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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 20:07:15 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 20:07:15 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/37125-8.txt b/37125-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e2e601a --- /dev/null +++ b/37125-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1807 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, +October 29, 1887, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, October 29, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 18, 2011 [EBook #37125] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, OCT 29, 1887 *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 93. + + + +October 29th, 1887. + + + + +QUITE A LITTLE HOLIDAY. + +EXTRACT FROM A GRAND OLD DIARY. MONDAY, OCT. 17. + +Self, wife, and HERBERT started early to escape our kind-hearted, +clear-headed admirers; so early, that I scarcely had time before +leaving to write thirty post-cards, seventy-six pages of notes for +my next magazine article, and to cut down half-a-dozen trees. Train +announced to leave Chester at 10:30, but got off at the hour. +This little joke (WATKIN'S notion) caused much amusement. Through +opera-glasses we could see bands of music, deputations, &c., +constantly coming to the railway-stations to meet our train after +it had passed. Too bad! However, to prevent disappointment, and as +CHAMBERLAIN has been imitating me and vulgarised my original idea, I +knocked off some speeches, in pencil, and HERBERT threw them out of +the window as fast as I could write them. So far as we could make out +with a telescope, some of them reached their destination, and seemed +to be well received. + +[Illustration: Master Willie Gladstone "really enjoying, and in some +measure appreciating and understanding," our Mr. Agnew's lectures on +Art. + +_Vide Times Report, Oct. 18._] + +Awfully pleased to meet Mr. WILLIAM AGNEW at Manchester. Odd +coincidence of Christian names. I shall speak of him and allude to him +as "The Other WILLIAM." He promised to keep by me, and show me all the +pictures worth seeing. + +"T'Other WILLIAM," said I, "you are very good. As you know, I take a +great and sincere interest in pictures and works of Art, although I +know very little about them." T'Other WILLIAM protested. "No, T'Other +WILLIAM, I am right. You have been the means of providing me with +a commodity most difficult of all others to procure if you do not +possess it yourself--that is to say, you have provided me with +brains." Further protests from T'Other One. "No, T'Other WILLIAM, +hear me out; for you know in all cases where a judgment has had to be +passed upon works of Art, I have been accustomed to refer a great deal +to you, and lean upon you, because you have been constantly the means +of enabling me really to see, and really to enjoy, and in some measure +to appreciate and understand, all that you have shown to me." + +I was so pleased with this little speech that I made HERBERT take it +down as I repeated it to him privately when T'Other was looking in +another direction. When I brought it out afterwards, at luncheon in +the Palm-house, it went wonderfully. So it should, because I felt +every word of it. T'Other WILLIAM is one of the kindest and most +courteous of my friends. + +I was very pleased with the Exhibition, although perhaps (I am not +certain of this) I might have seen it better had not about four +thousand visitors followed our little party everywhere, cheering +vociferously. I was consequently obliged to keep my attention most +carefully fixed upon the exhibits, as when I caught any stranger's +eye, the stranger immediately (but with an eagerness that did not +exceed the limits of good behaviour) called upon me to make a speech +then and there upon the subject of "Home Rule." I am sure I should +on each and every occasion have only been too delighted, had not Sir +ANDREW warned me not to indulge too much in that sort of thing. The +crowd, however, had its decided advantage, inasmuch as we were carried +off our feet everywhere. In this luxurious fashion we were wafted to +Messrs. DOULTON'S Pottery Manufactory, to Mr. JESSE HAWORTH'S loan +exhibition of Egyptian antiquities, the name "JESSE" recalled to me +the poor misguided JOE'S "JESSE," the second fiddle, but _toujours +fidèle_, and to a great many other shows of almost equal interest. + +But of course _the_ feature of the Exhibition was the collection +of pictures. I was absolutely delighted. T'Other WILLIAM explained +everything, and amongst other portraits showed me one of myself by +MILLAIS. I imagine that everybody must have thought it very like, +because when they observed me inspecting it, they cheered more +vigorously than ever. For my part I can't help feeling that Sir JOHN +might have done more with the collars. He has not (to my thinking, +although I confess I may be wrong) put quite enough starch in them. +This is my own idea, as I did not consult T'Other One upon the +subject. Great as my reliance is upon him concerning works of Art, I +reserve the right of using my own judgment in the matter of collars. +Passing through the galleries I was delighted with everything I saw. +The only drawback to my pleasure was the fact that I was followed (as +I have already hinted) by a cheering crowd, who occasionally, and, no +doubt, accidentally, drowned the voice of my kind Mentor. Under other +circumstances I should have drawn the distinction between the Mentor +and the Tor-mentors. Think this, but don't say it. For instance, when +we were standing in front of "_Ramsgate Sands_," this is what reached +my ears eager for instruction:-- + +"'_Ramsgate Sands_,' by FRITH--(_'Hooray!'_)--who, as you know, has +just written--(_'Speech! Speech!' 'Home Rule!' 'Three cheers for +MORLEY!'_)--full of anecdotes of all sorts of interesting people. If +you went to Ramsgate now, you would find----(_'We are going to give +you another carpet, old man!' 'Hooray, hooray, hooray!' 'Three +Cheers for Home Rule!--An extra one for Manchester!'_)--and +practically the sand-frequenters we are carefully examining in this +picture are of thirty years ago. (_'Speech! Speech!'_) You must +know----(_'Hooray, hooray, hooray!'_)" + +And at this period my dear friend was silenced by our being carried +away in an irresistible stream to the Palm-house, where we took part +in an excellent luncheon. Here I delivered my speech, which I +pride myself was first-rate. I called Manchester the Modern Athens, +explaining, however, that no offence was intended to the capital +of Midlothian. Take it all round, then, in spite of the "exuberant +interest" shown in me by my fellow-citizens, I have had a very +pleasant day, thanks chiefly to T'Other WILLIAM. + + * * * * * + +A PROGRESSIVE PROGRAMME. + +_October 25._--Lecture by amiable Police Magistrate to six hulking +rowdies, who have been assaulting the Police, on the duty of "bearing +distress patiently." Tells them "not to do it again," and dismisses +them with aid from the Poor Box and his blessing. Surprise of rowdies. + +_October 26._--Unemployed employ themselves in sacking portion of Bond +Street, during temporary withdrawal of Police for a little rest. + +_October 27._--Sitting Alderman at Mansion House gives a Socialist +Deputation some sympathetic and fatherly advice, and recommends them +to "study laws of supply and demand." Invites them to Lord Mayor's +Banquet. Deputation accepts invitation readily, and, on emerging +into street, is chivied down Cheapside by infuriated mob of other +Socialists, who have not received invitations. + +_October 28._--New Leaders of Mob (_vice_ Deputation, resigned) +denounce sympathetic Alderman as a "bloated exploiter." Nelson +Monument pulled down. Ten leading tradesmen, in neighbourhood of +Trafalgar Square, unable to do any business, owing to streets being +blocked with rioters, go into bankruptcy. + +_October 29._--Gathering of "Unemployed" in Westminster Abbey. +Unemployed complain bitterly because chairs have no cushions. The +Dean, conducted to pulpit under strong police escort, preaches very +conciliatory sermon on duty of Upper Classes, all, except Deans, to +give most of what they possess to poor; advises poor to wait patiently +till they get it. Retires under heavy shower of hymn-books. Unemployed +"remain to prey." + +_October 30._--Westminster Abbey sacked, in consequence of Dean's +conciliatory sermon. The Canons go off. + +_November 1._--Mansion House Relief Fund started. Fifty thousand +pounds subscribed the first day by leading philanthropists who +have had all their windows broken. Trade paralysed, and numbers of +Unemployed consequently increasing. Speech by celebrated Statesman, +contrasting disorder and lawlessness in Ireland with universal +contentment and order existing in England. + +_November 2._--Mob helps itself to chief pictures in National Gallery, +on ground that they "belong to the people." Raffle organised for the +Raffaelles. Fifteen policemen have their ribs broken. + +_November 3._--Whole Police Force disabled by angry mob armed with +bludgeons and revolvers. Sympathetic Alderman at Mansion House +ventures to ask Government if "matters are not really going a little +too far," and is ducked in Thames. All the West-End shops in-wested by +looters. + +_November 4._--Prime Minister declares that "much as he regrets the +depression of trade and want of employment, yet he thinks that on the +whole, recent proceedings have not been quite creditable to Capital +City of Empire." Military called out, and streets cleared in no time. +Ringleaders of mob arrested, and given a year's imprisonment with hard +labour. Trafalgar Square railed round and planted with prickly cactus. +Business resumed and confidence restored. Government begins to think +of a Bill to deal with _real_ London grievances--such as rack-rents, +slum-dwellings, and foreign pauper labour. [_And high time too!_ + + * * * * * + +A CLOUD OF YACHTS.--The account of the British owner published last +week, confirms the notion that the much-talked-of superiority of +the _Thistle_ over the _Volunteer_ was mere vapouring. This is not +surprising. All that could be appropriately expected from such a weed +was smoke! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PARALLELS. No. 3. + +[Illustration: DON CHAMBERLAIN QUIXOTE AND SANCHO JESSE PANZA. + +_Sancho Panza (to himself)._ "I CANNOT HELP IT,--FOLLOW HIM I MUST: +I HAVE EATEN HIS BREAD, I LOVE HIM: ABOVE ALL I AM FAITHFUL."--_Don +Quixote_, Part ii., Book iii., Ch. xxxiii.] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW QUIXOTE. + +_Fragments from a forthcoming Romance of (Political) Chivalry and +(Party) Knight-Errantry._ + + *** + +The age of our gentleman bordered upon fifty years. He was of a strong +constitution, spare-bodied, of a keen, not to say hatchet-like visage, +a very early (and rapid) riser, and a lover of the orchid. + + *** + +His judgment being somewhat obscured, he was seized with one of the +strangest fancies that ever entered the head of any naturally astute +person. This was a belief that it behoved him, as well for the +advancement of his own glory as the service of his country, to become +a knight-errant (though, indeed, there was, perhaps, about him more +of the errant than the knightly), and traverse the northern parts of +Hibernia, armed and mounted, in quest of adventures, redressing every +species of grievance save such as were not found in his own list, or +"programme," which latter, indeed, he would by no means admit to be +"grievances" at all. The poor gentleman imagined himself to be at +least crowned Autocrat of Orangeia by the valour of his arm; and +thus wrapt in these agreeable illusions, and borne away by the +extraordinary pleasure he found in them, he hastened to put his design +into execution. + +The first thing he did was to scour up some rusty armour which had +done service in the time of his great-grandfather, and had lain many +years neglected in a corner. This he cleaned and furbished up as well +as he could, but he found one great defect--it would not in any part +stand one stroke from modern steel, much less one shot from modern +gun. However, as he was rather fired with the yearning to attack than +impressed with the necessity for defence, this deficiency troubled him +but little. + +In the next place he visited his steed, which though but a hobby of +wooden aspect and no paces, yet in his eyes it surpassed any charger +that the Achilles of Hawarden ever bestrode, or the Automedon of Derby +ever handled. Many days was he deliberating upon what name he should +give it; for, as he said to himself, it would be very improper that +a horse so excellent appertaining to a Knight so famous should be +without an appropriate name; he therefore endeavoured to find one that +should express what he had been before he belonged to a knight-errant, +and also what he now was; nothing could, indeed, be more reasonable +than that, when the master changed his state, the horse should +likewise change his name, and assume one pompous and high-sounding, as +became the new order he now professed. Failing in this endeavour, he +called his hobby, provisionally at least, _Ne Plus Ulster_, a name +which if it suggested a sorry joke, was so far fitting that it was +bestowed upon a sorry nag. + + *** + +In the meantime our knight-errant had brought his persuasive powers to +bear upon a humble labourer in the fields which he himself had lately +left, a neighbour of his, some said of his own distant kin, and an +honest man, but somewhat shallow-brained and self-important. In short, +he said so much, used so many arguments, that the poor fellow resolved +to sally out with him, and serve him in the capacity of a Squire. +Among other things, DON QUIXOTE told him that he ought to be very glad +to accompany him, for such an adventure might some time or the other +occur, that, by one stroke, an Island might be won, where it was +within the bounds of possibility that he, the Squire, might one day +become Governor, or at least Viceroy. With this and other promises +SANCHO PANZA (for that was the rustic's name) left his well-beloved +three acres at home, not to name a favourite cow, for a time at least, +and engaged himself as Squire to his ambitious neighbour. + + *** + +Engaged in friendly discourse, they came in sight of eighty-five or +eighty-six windmills; and as DON QUIXOTE espied them he said to +his Squire, "Fortune favours us. Look yonder, friend JESSE--I mean +SANCHO--where thou mayest discover some more than eighty disloyal +giants, and monsters of sedition, whom I intend to encounter and +slay." "What giants?" said SANCHO PANZA. "These thou seest yonder," +answered his master, "with their long and far-reaching arms, for some +are wont to have them of the full length of a league. Fly not, ye +cowards, and vile caitiffs!" he cried, "for it is a single Knight +who assaults ye! Although ye should have more arms than the giant +Briareus, ye shall pay for it!" + + *** + +And the story, so far as it has gone (it is "to be continued"), +leaves DON QUIXOTE making a prodigiously plucky assault upon the +League-limbed "giants," with what result the sequel will show. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TORSION. + +_Irish Waiter (to Bow-legged Traveller in the Coffee-room)._ "BIG +PARDON, SOR. HADN'T YOUR HONOUR BETTER MOVE A LITTLE FURTHER FROM THE +FOIRE?" + +_Traveller (fiercely)._ "EH? WHA' FOR? WHA' D'YE MEAN?!" + +_Irish Waiter._ "OCH SHURE, SOR, YER LEGS IS WARPIN'!--OCH! PHEW! MOST +TURRIBLE!"] + + * * * * * + +TO A LADY DENTIST. + + [It is announced that Ladies are to be enabled to take + diplomas in Dentistry.] + + Lady Dentist, dear thou art, + Thou hast stolen all my heart; + Take too, I shall not repine, + Modest molars such as mine; + Draw them at thine own sweet will; + Pain can come not from thy skill. + + Lady Dentist, fair to see, + Are the forceps held by thee; + Lest those pretty lips should pout, + You may pull my eye-teeth out; + I'm regardless of the pangs, + When thy hand extracts the fangs. + + Lady Dentist, hear me pray + Thou wilt visit me each day; + Welcome is the hand that comes-- + Lightly hovering o'er my gums. + Not a throne, love, could compare + With thine operating chair. + + Lady Dentist, when in sooth + You've extracted every tooth, + Take me toothless to your arms, + For the future will have charms: + Artificial teeth shall be-- + Work for you and joy for me! + + * * * * * + +ALL THE DIFFERENCE.--The Statesmen used to be called "Pillars of the +State." _Pillars!_ They now seem to contribute to its support little +but endless (newspaper) _columns_! + + * * * * * + +THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + +FROM A HOODED EAGLE. + + _H-tf-ld House, Friday._ + +[Illustration:] + +DEAR TOBY, + +After a too brief holiday I am back again to H-tf-ld and to L-nd-n, +and take an early opportunity of dropping you a line. I call the +interval since the House was up a holiday for convenience sake; but +what with the daily arrival of despatch boxes and the delivery of the +morning papers, the repose has been intermittent. I fancy that since +the days of Old PAM the recess has always been a mockery for the +Premier of the day. D-ZZY had some bad times from 1874 to 1880, and +GL-DST-NE'S subsequent Premiership was not a bed of roses, even in the +recess. But they at least had the satisfaction of feeling that they +were in power as well as in office. If they decided upon a particular +line of policy, they could initiate it without first inquiring how it +might suit half-a-dozen people. Moreover, each was in varying degree +supported by capable colleagues, able to hold their own on the +platform or in the House. For unhappy Me things are quite otherwise. +I may devise a policy for Ireland and elsewhere, but before I can +announce it, I must humbly learn how it suits my Lord H-RT-NGT-N and +my good friend CH-MB-RL-N. As for my colleagues and the help I receive +from them----well, that is a matter of which of course I cannot write, +even in the confidence of correspondence with you. But I may tell you +that over at Châlet C-c-l I found some little time for reading other +literature than Blue Books. Looking through SHELLEY once again, I +came upon the line descriptive of COLERIDGE, "flagging wearily through +darkness and despair," + + "A hooded eagle among blinking owls." + +I don't exactly know why, but when I think of some things that have +taken place lately, I have a strong feeling of personal sympathy with +the hooded eagle. + +But this is a trifle melancholy, and will make you think I am in +low spirits, or even that there is truth in the newspaper rumours +of failing health. Nothing of the sort, dear boy; never better in my +life. Full of health and spirits, of hope for the coming time, and +eagerness for the fray of next Session. How I have envied GL-DST-NE +going about the country making speeches which would have been twice as +effective if they had been half as long, receiving the homage of the +masses, and driving in state through the streets of Derby, with his +led Captain, H-RC-RT, on the box-seat of his carriage! What a curious +man is GL-DST-NE, the Elephant of our political life, who can in the +morning crush a Ministry, and in the afternoon achieve a petty economy +by selling waste timber. There has been a good deal written about +NAPOLEON whilst involved in his fatal campaign in Russia occupying +spare moments in drawing up regulations for the Opera House at Paris. +But what is that compared with GL-DST-NE marching through the Midlands +to upset my Government, and, _en route_, drafting an announcement +that timber felled at Hawarden by his own hand would be on sale "at a +uniform charge, viz., 1s., 6d. for a small log, or 3s. per cubic foot, +exclusive of railway carriage." Of course I know that WILLIAM HENRY +has gallantly rushed into the breach, and avowed the authorship of +this remarkable proclamation. But if W. H. is allowed to do this kind +of thing without consultation or authority, all I can say is that +discipline at Hawarden is fatally faulty. Besides, amiable and +engaging as he is, I do not believe that W. H. is equal to the +unassisted concoction of this incomparable production. However it be, +no one but GL-DST-NE could stand the ridicule of the thing, and he +doubtless doesn't feel it. + +How is GR-ND-LPH getting on? Not so well as he used, I fancy. His new +attitude of friendly neutrality does not suit him, and is, moreover, +not nearly so attractive with the people as what I may call his +Malayan manner, when he used to run amuck at everybody, including +myself. It was a very dull speech he made at Sunderland on Thursday. +He must certainly wake up, if he means to keep his old place. Perhaps +he is, like me, getting aweary of the whole thing, and wishes he were +well out of it. If I had my will, I would cut the whole business, and +spend my days and nights in the laboratory here. But that cannot be, +for the present at least. So you will hear from me soon in the midst +of the fray; and, in the meantime, mind you understand that I am in +the best of spirits, confident in the present, and hopeful for the +future. + + Yours, faithfully, S-L-SB-RY. + + * * * * * + +"COLD ID BY DOZE." + +[Illustration] + + I've got such a hoddible cold id by head, + Upod by word, I wish I was dead; + I really thig I shall go to bed, + Ad tallow by doze, as the Doctor said; + He's cubig agaid this afterdood; + Why, it's half-past three, he'll be here sood, + Ad gib me sub bore of his beastly drugs, + Ad tell me to keep warb udder the rugs. + Achoo! Achoo! + Oh! what shall I do? + I've coughed ad sdeezed till I'be dearly blue, + Ad by doze is so sore, + I card blow it bore, + It feels as tedder as if it was raw; + Subbody told be he'd heard of sub stuff + Which you'd odely to sdiff, ad that was eduff; + What did he call it? Alkarab, + I'll sedd for sub--I suppose it's a shab-- + They always are. Achoo! Achoo! + I thig I'be dyig! Oh! what shall I do? + Yes, this is the stuff that fellow said + Was sure to cure a cold id the head; + Two or three sdiffs the beggar swore + Would bake you as well as you were before. + (_He sniffs._) Upod my soul, I believe he's right, + I'be gettig better--it's wonderful quite, + I albost feel as if I bight + Go out and dide at the Club to-dight. + + (_He continueth sniffing._) + + I really will, I feel quite well, + As fresh as a rose, and as sound as a bell, + And I'll always swear that the only balm + For a cold in the head is Alkaram. + "Here, JOHN, put out my evening clothes." + I'll take my grub + To-night at the Club. + Soup, fish, and a bird, with a pint of Larose, + I think that ought to complete the cure, + And make assurance double sure. + Achoo! Hullo! + Why here's a go! + Achoo! Atishoo! Oh dear! Oh dear! + It's all begiddig agaid, I fear; + You card get rid of a cold like bide + By sbellig a bottle of bedicide! + Soup ad fish! it's absurd, + Or to thigk of a bird, + When you card prodoudce a siggle word, + Ad as for Larose, the tipple for be + Is a cup of boilig lidseed tea. + I'll go to bed, + Ad wrap a red + Welsh fladdel baddage roud by head, + Ad stay at hobe for a budth at least, + Till this beastly widd's do logger East. + + _South Kedsigtod._ + + * * * * * + +PRO BONO PUBLICO. + +[Illustration] + +A Mob-Cap was once upon a time a picturesque finish to a pretty face, +and it was of home-manufacture. Now the Mob-Cap is a red abomination, +typical of bloodshed and crime, of foreign make, and is mis-called the +Cap of Liberty, which, properly translated, is the Cap of Licence. It +certainly is not "The Cap of Maintenance," as it is adopted by those +who would disdain work, even if it were offered them. + +Not for the first time has _Mr. Punch_ raised his voice against Street +Processions, which have developed into one of the greatest nuisances +of the present time, destructive of trade, detrimental to every kind +of regular business, and a disgrace to our orderly and respectable +London. All processions in London ought to be prohibited, with the +exception of such State, Civic, or Ecclesiastical processions as may +be deemed essential to the dignity of authority, and which have been, +and still are, a source of real pleasure to the Londoners, who dearly +love a show, when there is due and proper occasion for it. + +If the Salvationist Army processions, with their tambourines, drums, +and inharmonious bands, are permitted on Sunday (which English people +were wont to observe in peace and quietness), then consistently a +Socialist procession must be allowed. And what other processions? +Freemasons, Religious Guilds, Clubs,--why should not the members of +the Reform, the Athenæum, the Conservative, the National Liberal, +organise processions? Why not the Garrick Club, headed by Mr. HENRY +IRVING and Friend TOOLE, with banners emblazoned with playbills? No. +"Reform it altogether." + +And as to the liberty of out-of-door public meetings. Let Trafalgar +Square be explicitly forbidden to these mischievous anarchists, +of whom the majority are the dupes and tools of firebrand foreign +Communists. Let certain places be allotted to them for "airing their +grievances," and let each of these places be at least four miles +distant from Charing-Cross. Our Parks are the "Lungs of London," and +if these Lungs be congested, the health of London will materially +suffer. How many hundreds are now prevented from entering the Parks by +the fear of King Mob and his rabble rout? Children and nursery-maids +dare not take their recreation in our Parks. Think of that, ye +Privates of the Cavalry and Infantry, and to a man you will be the +first to declare for the freedom of the Parks. Let one of the first +enactments of the next Session be a Bill to Regulate Processions and +Out-of-door Meetings. Let it be a liberal measure--in the true sense +of liberal; that is, showing due consideration for everybody--and let +it come into operation as soon as possible. + + PUNCH + + * * * * * + +KNIGHT THOUGHTS. + +Sir HENRY KNIGHT seems to be of opinion that luxurious living, +Aldermanic and otherwise, must be a good thing for the poor, because +"Money spent in entertainment goes into the pockets of the working +classes." If that is so, Dives, in order to benefit Lazarus, can +hardly do better than go on faring sumptuously every day. And yet +somehow, as a matter of fact, the more Dives feeds the more Lazarus +famishes. How is this, O Knight of the Round (Dinner) Table? + +"Neither luxury, nor anything else," says the philosophical ex-Lord +Mayor, "can be indulged in without purchasing the materials which +contribute to or from which the luxury is obtained." _Argal_, the +more luxury among the rich the more money in the pockets of the poor. +Cheering thought!--for civic _gourmands_ and fashionable fine ladies! +Did not a great financier once suggest that England, which fought +itself into debt, might drink itself out of it? Here seems to be a +chance of eating ourselves out of poverty, of dining ourselves out of +destitution. Are there any real "Unemployed" about? Let those who have +money spend more of it in "entertainments" and the problem is solved +without recourse to Mansion House Funds, Public Works, Eight Hour +Movements, or other schemes philanthropical or revolutionary. + +KNIGHT'S panacea for poverty, this proposal to cure it by +"entertainment," is certainly, in one sense, entertaining. But it is +to be feared that it can hardly be entertained. + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +INVERTED DOMESTIC AND OTHER. + +A GOOD PLAIN MISTRESS WANTED by a competent and highly experienced +Cook. Must be a thorough lady, accustomed to making herself generally +agreeable, and to not prying into household matters which do not +concern her. She will not be expected to visit her own kitchen, +inquire into the amount of her own weekly books, keep the key of +the beer, or object to the occasional visits of members of the local +Police Force, in which the advertiser has several near relatives. A +little dinner on a small scale now and then will not be objected +to, but seeing much company cannot for a moment be entertained. An +unexceptionable character from the three last cooks who have filled +the place, indispensable. Apply, M.B. Eligible Family Supply Agency, +Walker Street, W. + + *** + +TRAVELLING NOBLEMAN WANTED. A Courier who has a slight acquaintance +with the French and German languages, and wishes to air them in the +course of a pleasant and enjoyable little outing, is desirous +of meeting with a well-recommended aristocrat of unquestionable +antecedents, who wishes to visit the leading towns of the Continent +in thoroughly first-class style. The advertiser, who would select the +routes, generally direct the character of the tour, and expect to have +charge of the cheque-book, would stipulate that under no circumstances +should any question be raised on the score of expense. None but +Noblemen of a confiding disposition, that can be vouched for by +testimonials from their near relatives, need apply. Communicate with +A. X., Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W. + + *** + +A REAL GENTLEMAN, who isn't too particular, wanted immediately by a +Coachman, who will, when sober, undertake to drive his carriage and +pair for him anywhere he likes about the Metropolis, and beyond, +without smashing him up. Mustn't be hasty and close over stable +expenses. Any quiet old duffer, who has been accustomed to let things +go their own way without interfering, preferred. Apply to JEHU, +Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W. + + *** + +A LADY OF TITLE WANTED by A COMPANION who would undertake to offer her +Society in consideration of sharing the carriage, home, recreations, +pleasures, friends, and general social _entourage_ of her employer. +As the Advertiser has for some years figured prominently as a garrison +hack, and has been somewhat blown upon in consequence, she will not be +too particular as to the character of the particular "Set" into which +her new surroundings may introduce her; but as she has, by outliving +her income, already run through the little money she possessed, she +will expect a salary of not less than £100 a year, to enable her to +dress up to the false position she has in contemplation to occupy. +No recognised old Dowagers, who live a quiet and retired life, need +answer this Advertisement. No references expected or offered. N. W., +Eligible Family Agency, Walker Street, W. + + *** + +SOFT-HEADED NOBLEMAN OR GENTLEMAN wanted by a shrewd, shifty, pushing, +out-at-elbows Adventurer, desirous of filling the post of Private +Secretary, and so worming himself into an assured position of intimate +family confidence. Would suit a Duke threatened with incipient +paralysis. Apply, DIPLOMATICUS, Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker +Street, W. + + *** + +CHEERFUL AND WILLING MISTRESS WANTED by an Under-Housemaid who wears +a fringe and latest form of Dress-Improver, and considers herself +generally attractive. State number of Men Servants, and furnish +particulars of the sort of society that may be expected down-stairs. +Advertiser will expect to receive her own friends on the afternoons of +not less than three days in each week. Mistress may refer to servants +at present staying in house, who can speak favourably as to her +character. Apply, HILDA, Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, +W. + + *** + +USEFUL AND ACTIVE MISTRESS REQUIRED by a General Servant who will +expect her to do her fair share of the work. Master must clean the +windows and his own boots, and as advertiser is not an early riser, +get up when necessary, and let in the sweeps. Entire Sundays expected +out and no interference with visits of the Marine Store Dealer. +Character Mutual. S. S. S., Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker +Street, W. + + *** + +THE ELIGIBLE FAMILY SUPPLY AGENCY undertake to provide exacting and +particular modern Domestics with thoroughly satisfactory Masters and +Mistresses. + + *** + +THE ELIGIBLE FAMILY SUPPLY AGENCY have at the present moment +applications from several Invalid Gentlemen who require care and +solicitude, and will be glad to hear from Widows with an eye to the +main chance, and "Superior" Housekeepers desirous of getting hold of +an unquestionably good thing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT. + +_Jones (of Hampstead)._ "THIS IS ONE OF OUR CELEBRATED PONDS. YOU'VE +HEARD OF THEM, EH, GRIGSBY?" + +_Grigsby (who has never been to Hampstead before)._ "_HEARD_ OF 'EM? I +SHOULD THINK SO--EVER SINCE I WAS A BOY! WHY, THE _PONDS ASINORUM_, OF +COURSE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE TWO VOICES. + + "That this representative body of Working-men, representing + the _bonâ fide_ Unemployed Workmen of the East and South-East + of London, beg to place on record their entire want of + sympathy, and their utter condemnation of the recent + conduct which has been made in the name of the + Unemployed."--_Resolution passed at a Meeting of + Representative Workmen, held in Whitechapel, for the purpose + "of considering the present position of the Unemployed + Workmen, and the grave events of last week."_ + + The Unemployed? Well, here I stand, + Have stood for many weary weeks, + With sinking heart and idle hand, + Hunger's white ensign on my cheeks. + I raise no howl + Like yon plump ruffian with the bull-dog jowl; + But the smug swells, with pleasure's honey cloyed, + May see in me the real Unemployed! + + Oh, yes! this hand is used to work, + The hardness has not left its palm. + I'm no black-coated spouting shirk, + Like him upon the tub there. Calm? + By Heaven, I choke! + Could I but fell the gang at one sharp stroke, + Ranters who rail, and roughs who watch for spoil, + 'Twere one good blow in the true cause of Toil. + + How shall I make my poor Voice heard + 'Midst this brute shindy, brainless, mad? + The slime-deeps of the town are stirred, + All that's bloodthirsty, blatant, bad, + Comes, surging up; + And I--ah! I hang back and drain the cup + Of bitter want in silence, blent with shame + At this base smirching of a Man's good name. + + And then the cynic cacklers crow + In their snug cushions; crow and cry: + "Oh, the whole thing's a farce, you know. + The old sham play of Poverty, + Pushed just once more + Upon the public boards. An awful bore!" + So (whilst we starve) the well-fed idlers scoff + At the spoilt tragedy, and cry, "Off! Off!" + + Ah! the sleek fops should take a turn + At the long, weary foot-sore tramp, + In search of work, till sick hearts burn, + Till the cold flags or footways damp, + Of London seem + The endless mazes of some devilish dream, + And tempting visions haunt the fevered head, + Of the sharp knife-edge or the river's bed. + + Wrong? Oh, of course! Our duty lies, + In dull endurance to the end. + The faces pale, the pleading eyes, + Of wife and children, looks that rend + A fellow's heart, + And make hot curses from his cold lips start, + These should not madden men unto the pitch, + Of _violent_ despair. So preach the rich! + + And yonder yelling fools contrive + To lend some truth to Mammon's text. + The laziest larrikin alive, + With babbling tongue and braid perplext, + Can help do _that_; + Whilst I?--a broken head or beaten hat + Will not so help me in my present state + That I should greatly care to "demonstrate." + + Only if such a Voice as mine + Could penetrate the public ear, + Deafened with all this windy shine, + And muddled 'twixt contempt and fear; + I rather think + I would tell some truths might make the scoffers shrink. + But _I_ compete with yonder wolf-eyed brute? + No; I can easier suffer and stand mute. + + If that's a strong, well-ordered state, + Where tens of thousands like myself, + With willing hands, must starve and wait, + Whilst piles of swiftly growing pelf, + Sweated from toil, + Swell for the lords of capital and soil, + Then--you may rear a city on foul slime, + And build Society on want and crime. + + My Voice! Men will not listen--yet; + And when they open ears at last, + Bludgeon won't cure, nor bayonet. + Meanwhile yon brayer at full blast + Belies my cause, + 'Midst foolish jeers and foolisher applause; + And preachers prose, and statesmen tinker on, + And we--we starve in gold-choked Babylon! + + * * * * * + +"My Nephew, who is very fond of pictures," said Mrs. RAM, "has +just purchased the finest Pot o' Jelly I have ever seen." Can it be +possible that the dear old lady meant Botticelli? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TWO VOICES. + +ONE OF THE REAL "UNEMPLOYED."--"HOW AM I TO MAKE _MY_ VOICE HEARD IN +THIS BLACKGUARD ROW!!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +SCENE--_Trafalgar Square. Several thousand loafers and roughs +discovered asserting right of free speech, free meeting and free +procession. A few hundred genuine artisans out of work standing about +moodily. Lines of Policemen drawn up in reserve look on impassively._ + +_A Lover of Liberty._ As an Englishman, Sir, I'm disgusted--it's +_un-English_, that's what it is, "dragooning" an inoffensive assembly +like this! I _used_ to think freedom of speech and action was the +right of every Briton--but it seems we're to be overawed by the Police +now--confounded impertinence on the part of the Government, I call it! + +[Illustration: "Hooky Walker!" + + "... The Leaders, H. George, _and the man whose name was said + to be_ Walker, put up their coat-collars and sneaked away + under the trees."--_Newspaper Report._ +] + +_An Orator (leaping suddenly on parapet)._ Feller Citizens, are you +_Men_ that you stand by with folded 'ands, while unlimited food and +wealth lays within a stone's throw? I want yer---- + +_Constables (behind)._ Ah, and we want _you_--off you go! + +[_Disappearance of Orator in direction of Police-station._ + +_Lover of Liberty._ Shame! Is a man to be punished for his opinions? +Oh, England, England! + +_Person in Search of Sensation (disappointedly)._ Well, there doesn't +seem much doing,--so far. + +_Squalid Vagabond (recognising_ Stalwart Constable, _whom he has +apparently met before in a professional capacity_). 'Ow _are_ yer, +pretty bobbish? + +[_Nods to show he bears no malice._ + +_Stalwart C. (good-humouredly)._ I'm much as usual, thankee. + +_Companion Constable (to S. C.)._ Well, you _do_ know some rough 'uns, +I must say! + +_Stalwart C._ Go on--that gentleman's a West-Ender. + +_Professional "Hook" (to line of Policemen)._ So _you_'re 'ere, are +you? Well, me and my pal must take _our_ little prominade some hother +arternoon, that's all! + +_Sympathiser (to Loafer)._ And so you've actually been out of +employment since last January? Monstrous! The Government ought to find +you work! + +_Loafer._ Jes' what _I_ say, Guv'nor. Let 'em gimme work, and I'll +_do_ it fast enough. _I_ don't want ter be idle. I ain't on'y my one +trade to earn my bread by--but I'll work at that, if I'm let! + +_Sympathiser._ Exactly, my poor fellow, and what _is_ your trade? + +_Loafer._ Why, I'm a skate-fastener, I am; puts on parties' skates for +'em,--and 'ere I am--not 'ad a job for months! + +_Truculent Ruffian (to Quiet Observer)._ Hunimployed? + +_Quiet Obs._ Yes--at present. + +_T. R._ Too many o' them bloomin' Coppers about, to _my_ mind--I'd +like to slug the lot--they're the ruin of _our_ bisness! + +_Quiet Obs._ Ah, you're right _there_! + +_Demagogue (to Police Sergeant)._ Now, don't you interfere--that's +all _I_ ask. _I'll_ speak to them--I have them thoroughly in hand +just now, but, if you offer them the least opposition, I--(_with much +solemnity_) well, I won't be responsible for what happens. (_He is +allowed to address the multitude._) Friends, you are met here in this +peaceful but imposing manner in the teeth of a brutal and overbearing +Constabulary, to show the bloated Capitalists, who are now trembling +behind their tills, that we mean to be taken seriously! Yes, in our +squalor and our rags---- + +[_Throws open frock-coat, and displays thick gold watch-chain._ + +_Mob._ Yah, pitch us over yer red slang! take orf that ere nobby coat! +Harristocrat! Yah! + +_Dem. (complacently)._ It is true that I myself am not in absolute +destitution.--But what of that, my friends? Can I not _feel_---- + +[_Here a turnip strikes him in the eye. Yells of "Down with him!" +"Duck him!" "Spy!" "Traitor!" Mob pulls him down and attempts to take +him to pieces._ + +_Dem. (faintly)._ Here, hi, Policemen, help! Why the devil don't you +use your staves? [_Is rescued and assisted home by Police._ + +_A Rough (to Policeman)._ Keep moving? ah, _I'll_ move! [_Kicks him on +the knee-cap. Policeman draws truncheon and hits back._ + +_Crowd (indignantly)._ Boo! Coward! Strikin' a unarmed man--down with +'im! [_They beat brutal Constable to a jelly._ + +_The Truculent Ruffian (to Quiet Obs.)_ Are you game for a merry ole +lark? + +_Quiet Obs._ You _try_ me--that's all! + +_T. R._ Then, as them cowards of cops 'ave as much on their 'ands as +they kin do with, now's the time for a bit of a loot! Pass the word to +them mates o' yourn--"Pall Mall and no tyranny!" + +_Quiet Obs._ I've done it--they're only waiting for _you._ + +_T. R. (suddenly producing red handkerchief)._ There--_now_, boys! +"Remember Mitchelstown and no brutal perlice!" Foller me! + +_Quiet Obs. (arresting him)._ No, you'll follow us, please--you won't +do no good kicking, all right, mates, we've got him. + +_T. R._ Oh, please, I didn't know you was a Policeman, Sir, or I +shouldn't ha' spoke! Strike me dead I was on'y in fun! (_Whimpers._) +And I've a good ole mother at 'ome, Sir. + +_The Person in Search of Sensation._ What, another arrest? and simply +for showing a red handkerchief! I shall write and describe these +atrocities. How abominably these police are behaving--actually +defending themselves, the blackguards! + +[_A Policeman accidentally lifts his arm, whereupon about fifty youths +scurry like rabbits; in the rush, the Person in search of Sensation +is hustled and slightly trampled on. He becomes annoyed, and hits out +right and left--eventually striking a Constable in his excitement._ + +_Const. (who has been without sleep for the last two days and has just +had his cheek laid open by a stone)._ 'Ere, you come along with me, +you're one of the wust, you are! + +_The Person._ But I assure you, I just came to see what there was to +be seen! + +_Const._ Well, you come along with me, and you'll see a Magistrit +presently. + +[The Person _resists; struggle; arrival of reinforcements; exit party, +in "frog's-marching" order, conveying him to fresh sensations._ + +_The Lover of Liberty (emerging from crush)._ My hat ruined, my coat +split down the back, and my watch gone! I _told_ the crowd I was with +them heart and soul--and they hit me in the stomach! What do we keep +our police _for_, I want to know? + +_Professional (emerging in opposite direction)._ Three red clocks, two +pusses, and a white slang, I ain't done so dusty! 'Ooray for the right +o' Free Meetin', _I_ sez! + +_Genuine Unemployed (wearily)._ Well, I dunno as I see what good all +this 'ere is a goin' to do _hus_! [_And no more does Mr. Punch._ + + * * * * * + +FROM MR. HENRY IRVING'S NOTE-BOOK. + +(_Published without permission._) + +_Stratford-on-Avon, October 18._--Speech at the Opening-of-Fountain +ceremony went very well. Some distinguished Americans were not there, +notably Mr. ABBEY. In consequence, had to omit all reference to "Abbey +Thought" and "Fountains Abbey," which, as J. L. T. suggested in his +letter, would have lightened the entertainment considerably. Also very +annoying, but I never thought of it till too late; I quite forgot to +say anything about BUFFALO BILL. CODY will be hurt; but I shall be in +America before he gets back there, so it doesn't much matter. Yet it +was a chance lost. WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, WILLIAM CODY, Buffalo BILL, +Swan SHAKSPEARE. No matter, keep it for another time. And at the last +moment I could not make out what I had written on my wristband as a +mem. for speech. It was _à propos_ of Mr. CHILD'S gift. I see now +it was something about "Child's the father to the man." And then an +allusion to the sympathy between America and England as not being mere +"Child's-play." Very odd, how I forgot that. Still, speech couldn't +have gone better. + +And how on earth I omitted to make any mention of Miss MARY ANDERSON I +can't understand! Yet the fact that this fair American is now playing +at the Lyceum ought to have stuck in my memory which yet holds its +seat in this distracted brain. And, dear me, there was the American +Minister present, and yet--bother it!--it never occurred to me, till +I was dressing this evening, hours afterwards, that I ought to have +remarked on the fact that America was represented here on this special +Dramatic occasion by a gentleman bearing a name so honoured alike by +English and American actors, and so dear to the theatrical profession +as must always be that of "PHELPS." But this will keep, too, for +another time. And, after all, in spite of these omissions, which of +course nobody noticed, the speech went admirably. + + * * * * * + +Nottingham v. Sunderland. + + "There's _no_ Liberal Party!" cries GRANDOLPH the bold. + "Hooray!" shout the Tories, "the straightest of shots!" + But the faithful who flock to the G. O. M.'s fold. + Say, "Our old party bonds are re-tied now--in _Notts_!" + + * * * * * + +THE AXE PREMIER'S AUCTION. + +[Illustration: _Auctioneer._ "FINE CHIPS OF THE OLD BLOCK, GENTLEMEN! +SPLENDID SPECIMENS OF THE HAWARDEN TIMBER, IN THE SALE OF WHICH, +GENTLEMEN, I ASSURE YOU, I HAVE 'NO INTEREST WHATEVER.'" ("_Hear! +hear!_") "NOW, GENTLEMEN, HOW MUCH SHALL WE SAY FOR THIS CHIP, WHICH I +LOPPED OFF WHEN I WAS LEAVING HAWARDEN--WHEN I WAS 'CUTTING MY STICK,' +IN FACT." (_Laughter._) "WHO BIDS FOR THIS? DON'T BE ALL FAGOT-VOTING +AT ONCE!" (_Laughter and Cheers._) "NOW THEN,--FIFTEEN SHILLINGS, TEN +SHILLINGS, SEVEN, FIVE, EIGHTEENPENCE,--ANY ADVANCE ON EIGHTEENPENCE? +GOING! GOING! GOING! GONE! GONE FOR EIGHTEENPENCE, AND CHIP AT THE +PRICE!" [_Auction Continues._] + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR THE UNEMPLOYED. + +SIR,--Excellent as is the suggestion of your Correspondent, "ONE WHO +WOULD ELEVATE THEM," that the Unemployed should be forthwith put into +the hands of some competent Ballet-Master, and after a proper course +of instruction, despatched to all the Board Schools in England for +the purpose of teaching every pupil who has passed the Sixth Standard, +dancing and deportment, yet I do not think he goes far enough. +Why stop at this comparatively subordinate art? Why not make them +musicians, teach them to play WAGNER, and despatch them straightway +through the length and breadth of the land as enthusiastic Apostles of +the great Master? What a glorious prospect to turn the three or four +thousand idle loafers who have lately been hulking about Trafalgar +Square for the purpose of breaking the peace, into a mighty army of +skilled fiddlers eager to wake the glad strains of the spirit-stirring +Music of the Future in every quiet village green through the three +Kingdoms. And the accomplishment of such a task need not be set aside +as the wild vision of some hopeless dreamer. I am convinced, Sir, that +if the authorities of the Royal College and Guildhall School of +Music, but set their shoulders to the wheel, the thing will soon be an +accomplished fact. Such, Sir, at all events, is the opinion of one who +believes firmly in + + "THE SOUL OF THE MASSES." + +SIR,--Why not paint the whole of London, public buildings and +all?--I'm sure they want it. The latter might be done in different +colours. St. Paul's, for instance, might be orange, Westminster Abbey +pea-green, and the Houses of Parliament a bright blue. If the effect +were found unsatisfactory, fresh colours could be tried, until +something were hit upon that should be considered suitable. This +would afford the additional advantage of providing fresh work for the +Unemployed. I don't see what else can be done. Everybody can use a +brush, and with a couple, or say, three coats all over the Metropolis, +there would be plenty to occupy everybody for the next six months. +As to expense, an extra 15s. tacked on to the rates would soon settle +that, and I'll be bound there's many a householder willing to face +that trifling alternative, together with + + Yours, practically, one who takes + "THE BULL BY THE HORNS." + +SIR,--I cannot but think that, if BUFFALO BILL were to introduce +the "Unemployed" into his Show, he would score a big success. The +introduction might take the shape of a contest between the "Wild East" +and the "Wild West." The former might be armed with brickbats and +park-railings, and the latter with their usual weapons; and, were it +known that a little genuine blood would be drawn in the entertainment, +it might be safely counted on to draw all London. I throw out the +suggestion for what it is worth. + + Your obedient servant, + "A COMMERCIAL WELL-WISHER." + +SIR,--As at the present season of the year nothing is more common than +to find the stalls of most of the leading West-End theatres empty, a +fact which has a very chilling effect on the efforts of the players, +why not fill the empty places with the so-called "Unemployed"? A warm +bath, a suit of evening clothes, clean shirt, and white tie would +instantly fit the veriest outcast that has recently come into +collision with the police in Hyde Park or elsewhere, at least +outwardly, for the social atmosphere of the place. A central committee +might at once be inaugurated for the supply of these necessary +preliminaries for admission, and a thousand or two excellent +substitutes for the ordinary _habitués_ forthwith launched nightly +among what is at the present moment left of the fashionable play-going +world in the Metropolis. The advantage would cut both ways. Not only +would the Management be blessed by the appearance of a perfectly +full house, but the loafers, professional thieves, and ruffians who +produced it would, no doubt, endeavour to play up to their clothes and +surroundings, and, on receipt of a small retaining-fee of 3s. 6d. a +head for their attendance, be proportionately softened and civilised +by the process. This, Sir, seems to me a very legitimate, humane, and +philosophical method of dealing with the present crisis, and as such I +trust it will as powerfully recommend itself to your readers as it has +to + + Yours thoughtfully, + "A PLEASURE-SEEKING SOCIALIST." + +SIR,--What are the authorities about that they do not at once embank +the river on both sides up to Richmond, and span it with five bridges +between this and Gravesend? Then there's the whole of Piccadilly +to come down and be rebuilt with the road properly levelled, to +say nothing of a great Central Terminus in Soho Square uniting the +Midland, North and Great Western, Great Northern with the Great +Eastern, and all the Great Southern lines. Add to this, that the +entire gas-piping of the Metropolis ought to come up bodily, and make +way for the installation of the Electric Light, to say nothing of the +fixing in all the leading thoroughfares of overhead railways on the +New York principle, and you have enough work at least to begin upon +and meet the present crisis. Let the Board of Works and the various +Vestries set to work at once, and as soon as Parliament assembles +let it be asked to vote Five-hundred Millions towards preliminary +expenses. This, Sir, is, I am convinced, the only reasonable and +efficient way of dealing with the present unsatisfactory aspect of the +labour question. Such is the opinion of + + Yours energetically, + "A ROUSED ALARMIST." + +SIR,--When the Police have fairly and effectually cleared off the +loafers, not-do-a-stroke-of-work gentry, and the sedition-mongers, +then we can turn our attention to the wants of the genuine Unemployed. +Their case is by no means beyond us. It only needs the active and +intelligent co-operation among the administrators of charitable funds +and agencies, the Poor-Law Authorities, employers of labour, and +others, to give immediate and practical effect to the wide-spread +sympathy felt for them by all classes of their more fortunate +fellow-countrymen, including your quite sober-minded and +charitably-disposed Correspondent, + + "COMMON SENSE." + + * * * * * + +DERBY AND GLADSTONE. + +(_A Speech summarised in a Stanza._) + +AIR--"_Darby and Joan._" + + DERBY, dear, I am old and grey, + Fifty-five years since my opening day, + "Ins" and "Outs" are for every one + As the world goes round. + Derby, dear, I must fain admit + I've altered my mind, just a little bit. + But I learnt freedom's lesson in Forty-five, + And I mean to be true to it whilst I'm alive. + Always the same, + Derby, my own, + Always the same + Is your old GLADSTONE! + + * * * * * + +THE ACTOR'S PROGRESS. + +Within the last half-century, the education of actors has advanced in +an extraordinary degree, inasmuch as some have been known to take +a degree, or try to, at the University. Therefore the following +advertisement in the _Era_ will probably cause little surprise:-- + + WANTED, for La Comédie Anglaise, a Light Comedian, for a few + Weeks, while a Member of the Company returns to Oxford to take + his degree. Must be a gentleman. Address, &c. + +This gentleman, to use the language of the _Era_, seems inclined to +"combine leading business with general utility." It is to be hoped he +will get his degree, and return to be an ornament to the stage. But if +this kind of thing goes on, we shall probably eventually see announced +in our theatrical contemporary--"Senior Wrangler and Light Comedian +open to engagement in first-class Company." + + * * * * * + +"THE REVERSIBLE PEN-CLEANER," recently invented by DE LA RUE & CO., +will be most useful to Leader-writers, Politicians, Journalists, and +everybody in the habit of using "reversible pens," or pens that can +write equally well on both sides. Such pens must occasionally require +cleaning; and to be cleaned in this pad they must remain upright. + + *** + +"A WINTER'S TALE."--That of poverty and distress, which we must do our +best to relieve. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MIDDLE AGE. + +"YOU'RE GETTING LONG-SIGHTED, DEAREST. YOU'LL HAVE TO WEAR GLASSES." + +"STUFF AND NONSENSE! IT'S NOT MY SIGHT THAT'S LONG--IT'S MY ARMS THAT +AREN'T LONG _ENOUGH_!"] + + * * * * * + +EUTHANASIA.--In a certain Western newspaper we read the following +startling announcement, in relation to the decease of a certain lady +whose obituary notice appears in its columns:-- + + "More or less an invalid for a considerable time past, + latterly she has been under the care of Mr. ---- and Mr. ----, + and her death was not therefore altogether unexpected." + +What a lift for the two Medicos mentioned! They, no doubt, are now +blessing that Western Editor for inserting this gratuitous tribute +to their curative skill. Their motto for the future should +be--"_Removals_ conducted with punctuality and dispatch." + + * * * * * + +STUDIES FROM MR. PUNCH'S STUDIO. + +NO. XXX.--MR. ALDERMAN SLOCOACH. + +[Illustration] + +What a strange, unreal, almost incomprehensible life must that of +a City Alderman be at the present time. Regarded in the light of +centuries ago, it all seems in accordance with the fitness of things, +and neither ludicrous nor out of place. But now, in these days of +earnestness and common sense, what a great sham it seems to the merely +superficial observer, and yet, however great an anomaly it may appear, +when tested by results it seems to work fairly well. + +Suppose we take Mr. Alderman SLOCOACH as an example. He was taken from +his warehouse, some years ago, and made an Alderman by the votes +of some three or four hundred of the rate-payers of his Ward, the +majority of whom knew little or nothing about him, and probably +cared less, and in a week or two, he found himself seated on the +Magistrate's Bench at Guildhall, to declare the Law, of which he +literally knew nothing, and to administer Justice under circumstances +so apparently absurd as to be hardly credible. Being probably a +conscientious man, and knowing his utter ignorance of the duties +that his position demanded of him, what was he to do? What he did was +probably the best he could do under the circumstances, and thinking, +as he told an old friend with whom he conversed on the matter, that it +was better, as err he must, to err on the side of mercy, he made it a +point always to consult the Clerk of the Court, and whatever amount of +punishment he advised him to inflict, he generally halved it. + +Having long since got thoroughly accustomed to the whole matter, and +having acquired a certain amount of dignity of demeanour, he is able +to go through the wondrous ceremony with comparative ease, but is +still greatly troubled with certain qualms of conscience in certain +special cases. For instance, when fining a poor working-man five +shillings for drunkenness,--he having met an old friend and been +persuaded to take more than was good for him,--and that amount +probably constituting a full day's income, his thoughts will revert +to that particularly jovial banquet with his worshipful Company +the previous evening, and whether some one or two of the guests not +sufficiently seasoned to these matters, were not quite as guilty as +the poor workman he had just fined, and how they would like to have to +pay a day's income for this folly, amounting in one case to probably +£100! and yet possibly the workman had the better excuse of the two! +And then, again, there is that very awkward and puzzling question, +that so troubles some of his more conscientious brethren as well as +himself, that of punishment for gambling. When inflicting some of +those very heavy fines and penalties, which he is told it is his +bounden duty to do in the case of betting in public houses, his +thoughts must revert to those two most intimate friends of his who are +regular visitors at TATTERSALL'S in the height of the racing season; +and also to the fact that he himself, as his stock-broker well knows, +after leaving the Bench, occasionally wends his way to Capel Court, +and buys or sells for the account to very very large amounts; and, +though he probably tries his best, as others do, to convince himself +that there is no doubt a very great difference between the cases +of Mr. BUNG and Mr. TATTERSALL, and between playing cards for +half-crowns, and buying or selling £50,000 Consols for the account, it +was not until his conscience had lost its natural elasticity that he +succeeded, and, even now its twinges are, occasionally, very sharp. + +When Alderman SLOCOACH was first elected to his high position, his +great delight was to attend at the Old Bailey, and occupy a seat on +the judicial Bench, and enjoy the supreme satisfaction of feeling +that, without his absolutely useless presence, the whole proceedings +must necessarily come to a stand-still, and fond memory still looks +back to the occasion on which one of Her MAJESTY'S Judges actually +said to him, in quite a friendly manner, "Shall _we_ say twelve +or fifteen months, Alderman?" On the other hand, he will probably +remember, to his dying day, the look of mingled anger and contempt +with which he was received by another of Her MAJESTY'S Judges, of +rather irascible temper, when he rushed breathless into Court, having, +by his absence, delayed the proceedings for more than an hour. + +Naturally, the one particular event to which an Alderman looks forward +with the most especial anticipations of honour and renown, is the +year of his Mayoralty, when he will have his otherwise humble name +associated with those of the famous men who, in very different times +to those in which we live, ruled the great City, with courage and +discretion. + +Much, however, depends upon the public events of his year of office, +as to its importance, or want of it, to himself personally, and Mr. +Alderman SLOCOACH was not particularly fortunate in that respect. +There was no European Monarch on a visit to this country, whom the +Corporation was requested by the Government to honour, with the +customary satisfactory result to the Lord Mayor of the day; there was +no public ceremonial of unusual importance that required the brilliant +surroundings of Civic pomp to give it full _éclat_, and as his year of +office approached its termination, his solemn look became more solemn, +and his hopes evidently grew fainter and fainter. But fortune was kind +to him, and a change of Government, which made it desirable to gain +the City's sweet voices, brought him the coveted honour. + +Like most of his colleagues who have what is technically called +"passed the Chair," he takes things very coolly, probably thinking +that nothing remains to be done after having passed through such an +ordeal. But there is one especial duty still left for Aldermen to +perform from which he is seldom absent. They have been deprived of +their control over prisons, and of their government of the Royal +Hospitals, their control of the Police is almost nominal, but they +still have charge of City Lunatics, and it is said that Alderman +SLOCOACH is seldom absent from the official visits to them, when the +reciprocity of feeling manifested between the poor patients and their +visitor is described as quite touching. He is also often seen at City +Banquets, and is always quite ready to return thanks for what he calls +the Grand Old Corporation, and repeats with painful iteration the old +bit of twaddle about the infallibility of Aldermanic judgments and +the increasing popularity of their order; but he is wonderfully +good-natured, devotes a great deal of time to the gratuitous +performance of public duties, assists very efficiently in brightening +up many an otherwise dull scene with the brilliancy of his handsome +scarlet robe, and would, with his worshipful Brethren, be much missed +if deprived of those civic functions that have been performed by them, +and such as they, for many centuries past, and which entitle them in +all respects to the esteem of their fellow citizens as a trustworthy, +sober and honourable body of men. + + * * * * * + +IMPERIAL INSTITUTORS. + +Sir F. ABEL, the organising Secretary of the Imperial Institute, +recently issued a very agreeable and pleasing memorandum to the +Chairmen of Provincial Committees and others who have assumed an +active part in support of the undertaking. After describing the +"large measure of success" that has attended the efforts of the local +Committees throughout the country, Sir FREDERICK goes on to say that +a "considerable number" of them have "signified their willingness +to prolong their operations with the especial object of obtaining +additions to the 'Endowment Fund' of the Institute which is about to +be created." This is but natural. Taking into consideration the fact +that in many quarters a handsome subscription to the funds of the +Institute has been regarded as a sure passport to honour, and that +the non-distribution of titles right and left among a lot of +small provincial celebrities has already occasioned a good deal of +heartburning and disappointment, this new lease of life, affording +them, as it does, a fresh opportunity of struggling for their +much-coveted prize, cannot but be hailed by the yet unsatisfied +"Chairmen of Provincial Committees and others" with genuine joy and +thankfulness. + +That plain Mr. JOHN BOPKINS, or Mr. PETER PICKLETUB, Mayor, should +suddenly blossom out into Sir JOHN BOPKINS, and, possibly, Sir PETER +PICKLETUB, Bart., would only seem to those indefatigable gentlemen an +appropriate finish to their labours in furtherance of the interests +of the Institute. Their readiness, therefore, to prolong their +operations, as it may be measured by the fact that it will have the +special object not only of "procuring additions" to the Endowment +Fund, but also of tacking them on to their own names, is likely to +be both hearty and enthusiastic. Whether anything will come of their +hopeful perseverance, remains to be seen; but it is tolerably certain +that if some sort of bureau for the sale of decorations, after the +latest French model, could be instituted on this side of the Channel, +there would be no lack of clients ready to besiege it. But----we +manage these things much better in England. + + * * * * * + +When the Deputation waited on him, Mr. MATTHEWS was the "Not-at-Home +Secretary." Quite right too. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +A small number of minor typographical errors have been corrected. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, October 29, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, OCT 29, 1887 *** + +***** This file should be named 37125-8.txt or 37125-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/1/2/37125/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, October 29, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 18, 2011 [EBook #37125] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, OCT 29, 1887 *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>Vol. 93.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>October 29th, 1887.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page193" id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span></p> + +<h2>QUITE A LITTLE HOLIDAY.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Extract from a Grand Old Diary. Monday, Oct. 17.</span></p> + +<p>Self, wife, and <span class="sc">Herbert</span> started early to escape our kind-hearted, +clear-headed admirers; so early, that I scarcely had time before +leaving to write thirty post-cards, seventy-six pages of notes for my +next magazine article, and to cut down half-a-dozen trees. Train +announced to leave Chester at +10:30, but got off at the hour. +This little joke (<span class="sc">Watkin’s</span> +notion) caused much amusement. +Through opera-glasses we could +see bands of music, deputations, +&c., constantly coming to the +railway-stations to meet our train +after it had passed. Too bad! +However, to prevent disappointment, +and as <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> has +been imitating me and vulgarised +my original idea, I knocked off +some speeches, in pencil, and +<span class="sc">Herbert</span> threw them out of the +window as fast as I could write +them. So far as we could make +out with a telescope, some of +them reached their destination, +and seemed to be well received.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:23%;"> +<a href="images/193.png"><img width="100%" src="images/193.png" alt="Master Willie Gladstone" /></a> +<p>Master Willie Gladstone “really enjoying, +and in some measure appreciating +and understanding,” our +Mr. Agnew’s lectures on Art.</p> +<p><i>Vide Times Report, Oct. 18.</i></p></div> + +<p>Awfully pleased to meet Mr. +<span class="sc">William Agnew</span> at Manchester. +Odd coincidence of Christian +names. I shall speak of him +and allude to him as “The Other +<span class="sc">William</span>.” He promised to keep +by me, and show me all the pictures +worth seeing.</p> + +<p>“T’Other <span class="sc">William</span>,” said I, +“you are very good. As you +know, I take a great and sincere +interest in pictures and works of Art, although I know very little +about them.” T’Other <span class="sc">William</span> protested. “No, T’Other <span class="sc">William</span>, +I am right. You have been the means of providing me with a commodity +most difficult of all others to procure if you do not possess it +yourself—that is to say, you have provided me with brains.” +Further protests from T’Other One. “No, T’Other <span class="sc">William</span>, hear +me out; for you know in all cases where a judgment has had to be +passed upon works of Art, I have been accustomed to refer a great +deal to you, and lean upon you, because you have been constantly the +means of enabling me really to see, and really to enjoy, and in some +measure to appreciate and understand, all that you have shown to me.”</p> + +<p>I was so pleased with this little speech that I made <span class="sc">Herbert</span> take +it down as I repeated it to him privately when T’Other was looking +in another direction. When I brought it out afterwards, at luncheon +in the Palm-house, it went wonderfully. So it should, because I felt +every word of it. T’Other <span class="sc">William</span> is one of the kindest and most +courteous of my friends.</p> + +<p>I was very pleased with the Exhibition, although perhaps (I am +not certain of this) I might have seen it better had not about +four thousand visitors followed our little party everywhere, cheering +vociferously. I was consequently obliged to keep my attention most +carefully fixed upon the exhibits, as when I caught any stranger’s +eye, the stranger immediately (but with an eagerness that did not +exceed the limits of good behaviour) called upon me to make a speech +then and there upon the subject of “Home Rule.” I am sure I should +on each and every occasion have only been too delighted, had not Sir +<span class="sc">Andrew</span> warned me not to indulge too much in that sort of thing. +The crowd, however, had its decided advantage, inasmuch as we were +carried off our feet everywhere. In this luxurious fashion we were +wafted to Messrs. <span class="sc">Doulton’s</span> Pottery Manufactory, to Mr. <span class="sc">Jesse +Haworth’s</span> loan exhibition of Egyptian antiquities, the name +“<span class="sc">Jesse</span>” recalled to me the poor misguided <span class="sc">Joe’s</span> “<span class="sc">Jesse</span>,” the +second fiddle, but <i>toujours fidèle</i>, and to a great many other shows +of almost equal interest.</p> + +<p>But of course <i>the</i> feature of the Exhibition was the collection of +pictures. I was absolutely delighted. T’Other <span class="sc">William</span> explained +everything, and amongst other portraits showed me one of myself by +<span class="sc">Millais</span>. I imagine that everybody must have thought it very like, +because when they observed me inspecting it, they cheered more +vigorously than ever. For my part I can’t help feeling that Sir +<span class="sc">John</span> might have done more with the collars. He has not (to my +thinking, although I confess I may be wrong) put quite enough +starch in them. This is my own idea, as I did not consult T’Other +One upon the subject. Great as my reliance is upon him concerning +works of Art, I reserve the right of using my own judgment in the +matter of collars. Passing through the galleries I was delighted +with everything I saw. The only drawback to my pleasure was the +fact that I was followed (as I have already hinted) by a cheering +crowd, who occasionally, and, no doubt, accidentally, drowned the +voice of my kind Mentor. Under other circumstances I should have +drawn the distinction between the Mentor and the Tor-mentors. +Think this, but don’t say it. For instance, when we were standing +in front of “<i>Ramsgate Sands</i>,” this is what reached my ears eager +for instruction:—</p> + +<p>“‘<i>Ramsgate Sands</i>,’ by <span class="sc">Frith</span>—(<i>‘Hooray!’</i>)—who, as you know, +has just written—(<i>‘Speech! Speech!’ ‘Home Rule!’ ‘Three +cheers for <span class="sc">Morley</span>!’</i>)—full of anecdotes of all sorts of interesting +people. If you went to Ramsgate now, you would find——(<i>‘We +are going to give you another carpet, old man!’ ‘Hooray, hooray, +hooray!’ ‘Three Cheers for Home Rule!—An extra one for +Manchester!’</i>)—and practically the sand-frequenters we are carefully +examining in this picture are of thirty years ago. (<i>‘Speech! +Speech!’</i>) You must know——(<i>‘Hooray, hooray, hooray!’</i>)”</p> + +<p>And at this period my dear friend was silenced by our being +carried away in an irresistible stream to the Palm-house, where we +took part in an excellent luncheon. Here I delivered my speech, +which I pride myself was first-rate. I called Manchester the +Modern Athens, explaining, however, that no offence was intended +to the capital of Midlothian. Take it all round, then, in spite of the +“exuberant interest” shown in me by my fellow-citizens, I have +had a very pleasant day, thanks chiefly to T’Other <span class="sc">William</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A PROGRESSIVE PROGRAMME.</h2> + +<p><i>October 25.</i>—Lecture by amiable Police Magistrate to six hulking +rowdies, who have been assaulting the Police, on the duty of “bearing +distress patiently.” Tells them “not to do it again,” and dismisses +them with aid from the Poor Box and his blessing. Surprise +of rowdies.</p> + +<p><i>October 26.</i>—Unemployed employ themselves in sacking portion of +Bond Street, during temporary withdrawal of Police for a little rest.</p> + +<p><i>October 27.</i>—Sitting Alderman at Mansion House gives a Socialist +Deputation some sympathetic and fatherly advice, and recommends +them to “study laws of supply and demand.” Invites them to +Lord Mayor’s Banquet. Deputation accepts invitation readily, and, +on emerging into street, is chivied down Cheapside by infuriated +mob of other Socialists, who have not received invitations.</p> + +<p><i>October 28.</i>—New Leaders of Mob (<i>vice</i> Deputation, resigned) +denounce sympathetic Alderman as a “bloated exploiter.” Nelson +Monument pulled down. Ten leading tradesmen, in neighbourhood +of Trafalgar Square, unable to do any business, owing to streets +being blocked with rioters, go into bankruptcy.</p> + +<p><i>October 29.</i>—Gathering of “Unemployed” in Westminster Abbey. +Unemployed complain bitterly because chairs have no cushions. The +Dean, conducted to pulpit under strong police escort, preaches very +conciliatory sermon on duty of Upper Classes, all, except Deans, to +give most of what they possess to poor; advises poor to wait +patiently till they get it. Retires under heavy shower of hymn-books. +Unemployed “remain to prey.”</p> + +<p><i>October 30.</i>—Westminster Abbey sacked, in consequence of Dean’s +conciliatory sermon. The Canons go off.</p> + +<p><i>November 1.</i>—Mansion House Relief Fund started. Fifty thousand +pounds subscribed the first day by leading philanthropists who +have had all their windows broken. Trade paralysed, and numbers +of Unemployed consequently increasing. Speech by celebrated +Statesman, contrasting disorder and lawlessness in Ireland with universal +contentment and order existing in England.</p> + +<p><i>November 2.</i>—Mob helps itself to chief pictures in National +Gallery, on ground that they “belong to the people.” Raffle organised +for the Raffaelles. Fifteen policemen have their ribs broken.</p> + +<p><i>November 3.</i>—Whole Police Force disabled by angry mob armed +with bludgeons and revolvers. Sympathetic Alderman at Mansion +House ventures to ask Government if “matters are not really going +a little too far,” and is ducked in Thames. All the West-End +shops in-wested by looters.</p> + +<p><i>November 4.</i>—Prime Minister declares that “much as he regrets +the depression of trade and want of employment, yet he thinks that +on the whole, recent proceedings have not been quite creditable to +Capital City of Empire.” Military called out, and streets cleared in +no time. Ringleaders of mob arrested, and given a year’s imprisonment +with hard labour. Trafalgar Square railed round and planted +with prickly cactus. Business resumed and confidence restored. +Government begins to think of a Bill to deal with <i>real</i> London +grievances—such as rack-rents, slum-dwellings, and foreign pauper +labour. <span class="stage">[<i>And high time too!</i></span></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">A Cloud of Yachts.</span>—The account of the British owner published +last week, confirms the notion that the much-talked-of superiority +of the <i>Thistle</i> over the <i>Volunteer</i> was mere vapouring. This is not +surprising. All that could be appropriately expected from such a +weed was smoke!</p> + +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page194" id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span></p> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH’S PARALLELS. No. 3.</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<a href="images/194.png"><img width="100%" src="images/194.png" alt="DON CHAMBERLAIN QUIXOTE AND SANCHO JESSE PANZA." /></a> +<h3>DON CHAMBERLAIN QUIXOTE AND SANCHO JESSE PANZA.</h3> + +<p><i>Sancho Panza (to himself).</i> <span class="sc">“I cannot help it,—follow him I must: +I have eaten his Bread, I love him: above all I +am faithful.”</span>—<i>Don Quixote</i>, Part ii., Book iii., Ch. xxxiii.</p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE NEW QUIXOTE.</h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Fragments from a forthcoming Romance of (Political) Chivalry and +(Party) Knight-Errantry.</i></p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The age of our gentleman bordered upon fifty years. He was of +a strong constitution, spare-bodied, of a keen, not to say hatchet-like +visage, a very early (and rapid) riser, and a lover of the orchid.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>His judgment being somewhat obscured, he was seized with one of +the strangest fancies that ever entered the head of any naturally +astute person. This was a belief that it behoved him, as well for the +advancement of his own glory as the service of his country, to become +a knight-errant (though, indeed, there was, perhaps, about him more +of the errant than the knightly), and traverse the northern parts of +Hibernia, armed and mounted, in quest of adventures, redressing +every species of grievance save such as were not found in his own list, +or “programme,” which latter, indeed, he would by no means admit +to be “grievances” at all. The poor gentleman imagined himself +to be at least crowned Autocrat of Orangeia by the valour of his +arm; and thus wrapt in these agreeable illusions, and borne away +by the extraordinary pleasure he found in them, he hastened to put +his design into execution.</p> + +<p>The first thing he did was to scour up some rusty armour which +had done service in the time of his great-grandfather, and had lain +many years neglected in a corner. This he cleaned and furbished +up as well as he could, but he found one great defect—it would not +in any part stand one stroke from modern steel, much less one shot +from modern gun. However, as he was rather fired with the yearning +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page195" id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span> +to attack than impressed with the necessity for defence, this +deficiency troubled him but little.</p> + +<p>In the next place he visited his steed, which though but a hobby +of wooden aspect and no paces, yet in his eyes it surpassed any +charger that the Achilles of Hawarden ever bestrode, or the +Automedon of Derby ever handled. Many days was he deliberating +upon what name he should give it; for, as he said to himself, it +would be very improper that a horse so excellent appertaining to a +Knight so famous should be without an appropriate name; he therefore +endeavoured to find one that should express what he had been +before he belonged to a knight-errant, and also what he now was; +nothing could, indeed, be more reasonable than that, when the +master changed his state, the horse should likewise change his name, +and assume one pompous and high-sounding, as became the new +order he now professed. Failing in this endeavour, he called his +hobby, provisionally at least, <i>Ne Plus Ulster</i>, a name which if it +suggested a sorry joke, was so far fitting that it was bestowed upon +a sorry nag.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>In the meantime our knight-errant had brought his persuasive +powers to bear upon a humble labourer in the fields which he himself +had lately left, a neighbour of his, some said of his own distant kin, +and an honest man, but somewhat shallow-brained and self-important. +In short, he said so much, used so many arguments, that the poor +fellow resolved to sally out with him, and serve him in the capacity +of a Squire. Among other things, <span class="sc">Don Quixote</span> told him that he +ought to be very glad to accompany him, for such an adventure +might some time or the other occur, that, by one stroke, an Island +might be won, where it was within the bounds of possibility that he, +the Squire, might one day become Governor, or at least Viceroy. +With this and other promises <span class="sc">Sancho Panza</span> (for that was the +rustic’s name) left his well-beloved three acres at home, not to +name a favourite cow, for a time at least, and engaged himself as +Squire to his ambitious neighbour.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Engaged in friendly discourse, they came in sight of eighty-five +or eighty-six windmills; and as <span class="sc">Don Quixote</span> espied them he said to +his Squire, “Fortune favours us. Look yonder, friend <span class="sc">Jesse</span>—I +mean <span class="sc">Sancho</span>—where thou mayest discover some more than eighty +disloyal giants, and monsters of sedition, whom I intend to encounter +and slay.” “What giants?” said <span class="sc">Sancho Panza</span>. “These +thou seest yonder,” answered his master, “with their long and far-reaching +arms, for some are wont to have them of the full length of +a league. Fly not, ye cowards, and vile caitiffs!” he cried, “for +it is a single Knight who assaults ye! Although ye should have +more arms than the giant Briareus, ye shall pay for it!”</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>And the story, so far as it has gone (it is “to be continued”), +leaves <span class="sc">Don Quixote</span> making a prodigiously plucky assault upon the +League-limbed “giants,” with what result the sequel will show.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<a href="images/195.png"><img width="100%" src="images/195.png" alt="TORSION." /></a> + +<h3>TORSION.</h3> + +<p><i>Irish Waiter (to Bow-legged Traveller in the Coffee-room).</i> +<span class="sc">“Big pardon, Sor. Hadn’t your Honour better move a little +further from the Foire?”</span></p> + +<p><i>Traveller (fiercely).</i> <span class="sc">“Eh? Wha’ for? Wha’ d’ye mean?!”</span></p> + +<p><i>Irish Waiter.</i> <span class="sc">“Och shure, Sor, yer Legs is warpin’!—Och! phew! Most turrible!”</span></p></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TO A LADY DENTIST.</h2> + +<blockquote><p> +[It is announced that Ladies are to be enabled to take diplomas in Dentistry.] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Lady Dentist, dear thou art,</p> +<p>Thou hast stolen all my heart;</p> +<p>Take too, I shall not repine,</p> +<p>Modest molars such as mine;</p> +<p>Draw them at thine own sweet will;</p> +<p>Pain can come not from thy skill.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Lady Dentist, fair to see,</p> +<p>Are the forceps held by thee;</p> +<p>Lest those pretty lips should pout,</p> +<p>You may pull my eye-teeth out;</p> +<p>I’m regardless of the pangs,</p> +<p>When thy hand extracts the fangs.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Lady Dentist, hear me pray</p> +<p>Thou wilt visit me each day;</p> +<p>Welcome is the hand that comes—</p> +<p>Lightly hovering o’er my gums.</p> +<p>Not a throne, love, could compare</p> +<p>With thine operating chair.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Lady Dentist, when in sooth</p> +<p>You’ve extracted every tooth,</p> +<p>Take me toothless to your arms,</p> +<p>For the future will have charms:</p> +<p>Artificial teeth shall be—</p> +<p>Work for you and joy for me!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">All the Difference.</span>—The Statesmen used to be called “Pillars +of the State.” <i>Pillars!</i> They now seem to contribute to its support +little but endless (newspaper) <i>columns</i>!</p> + +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page196" id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span></p> + +<h2>THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">From a Hooded Eagle.</span></p> + +<p class="right"><i>H-tf-ld House, Friday.</i></p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:56%;"><a href="images/196-1.png"> +<img width="100%" src="images/196-1.png" alt="Hooded Eagle" /></a></div> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Toby</span>,</p> + +<p>After a too brief holiday I +am back again to H-tf-ld and +to L-nd-n, and take an early +opportunity of dropping you a +line. I call the interval since the +House was up a holiday for +convenience sake; but what with +the daily arrival of despatch +boxes and the delivery of the +morning papers, the repose has +been intermittent. I fancy that +since the days of Old <span class="sc">Pam</span> the +recess has always been a mockery +for the Premier of the day. <span class="sc">D-zzy</span> +had some bad times from 1874 to +1880, and <span class="sc">Gl-dst-ne’s</span> subsequent +Premiership was not a bed of +roses, even in the recess. But +they at least had the satisfaction +of feeling that they were in power +as well as in office. If they decided upon a particular line of policy, they could +initiate it without first inquiring how it might suit half-a-dozen people. +Moreover, each was in varying degree supported by capable colleagues, able to +hold their own on the platform or in the House. For unhappy Me things are +quite otherwise. I may devise a policy for Ireland and elsewhere, but before I +can announce it, I must humbly learn how it suits my Lord <span class="sc">H-rt-ngt-n</span> and +my good friend <span class="sc">Ch-mb-rl-n</span>. As for my colleagues and the help I receive from +them——well, that is a matter of which of course I cannot write, even in the +confidence of correspondence with you. But I may tell you that over at Châlet +C-c-l I found some little time for reading other literature than Blue Books. +Looking through <span class="sc">Shelley</span> once again, I came upon the line descriptive of +<span class="sc">Coleridge</span>, “flagging wearily through darkness and despair,”</p> + +<p class="center">“A hooded eagle among blinking owls.”</p> + +<p>I don’t exactly know why, but when I think of some things that have taken +place lately, I have a strong feeling of personal sympathy with the hooded eagle.</p> + +<p>But this is a trifle melancholy, and will make you think I am in low spirits, +or even that there is truth in the newspaper rumours of failing health. Nothing +of the sort, dear boy; never better in my life. Full of health and spirits, of +hope for the coming time, and eagerness for the fray of next Session. How I +have envied <span class="sc">Gl-dst-ne</span> going about the country making speeches which would +have been twice as effective if they had been half as long, receiving the homage +of the masses, and driving in state through the streets of Derby, with his led +Captain, <span class="sc">H-rc-rt</span>, on the box-seat of his carriage! What a curious man is +<span class="sc">Gl-dst-ne</span>, the Elephant of our political life, who can in the morning crush +a Ministry, and in the afternoon achieve a petty economy by selling waste +timber. There has been a good deal written about <span class="sc">Napoleon</span> whilst involved in +his fatal campaign in Russia occupying spare moments in drawing up regulations +for the Opera House at Paris. But what is that compared with <span class="sc">Gl-dst-ne</span> +marching through the Midlands to upset my Government, and, <i>en route</i>, drafting +an announcement that timber felled at Hawarden by his own hand would be on +sale “at a uniform charge, viz., 1<i>s.</i>, 6<i>d.</i> for a small log, or 3<i>s.</i> per cubic foot, +exclusive of railway carriage.” Of course I know that <span class="sc">William Henry</span> has +gallantly rushed into the breach, and avowed the authorship of this remarkable +proclamation. But if W. H. is allowed to do this kind of thing without consultation +or authority, all I can say is that discipline at Hawarden is fatally +faulty. Besides, amiable and engaging as he is, I do not believe that W. H. is +equal to the unassisted concoction of this incomparable production. However it +be, no one but <span class="sc">Gl-dst-ne</span> could stand the ridicule of the +thing, and he doubtless doesn’t feel it.</p> + +<p>How is <span class="sc">Gr-nd-lph</span> getting on? Not so well as he +used, I fancy. His new attitude of friendly neutrality +does not suit him, and is, moreover, not nearly so attractive +with the people as what I may call his Malayan +manner, when he used to run amuck at everybody, +including myself. It was a very dull speech he made at +Sunderland on Thursday. He must certainly wake up, +if he means to keep his old place. Perhaps he is, like +me, getting aweary of the whole thing, and wishes he +were well out of it. If I had my will, I would cut the +whole business, and spend my days and nights in the +laboratory here. But that cannot be, for the present at +least. So you will hear from me soon in the midst of the +fray; and, in the meantime, mind you understand that +I am in the best of spirits, confident in the present, and +hopeful for the future.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Yours, faithfully, <span class="stage sc">S-l-sb-ry</span>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>“COLD ID BY DOZE.”</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width:28%;"> +<a href="images/196-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/196-2.png" alt="Cold id by doze." /></a></div> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I’ve got such a hoddible cold id by head,</p> +<p>Upod by word, I wish I was dead;</p> +<p>I really thig I shall go to bed,</p> +<p>Ad tallow by doze, as the Doctor said;</p> +<p>He’s cubig agaid this afterdood;</p> +<p>Why, it’s half-past three, he’ll be here sood,</p> +<p>Ad gib me sub bore of his beastly drugs,</p> +<p>Ad tell me to keep warb udder the rugs.</p> +<p class="i10">Achoo! Achoo!</p> +<p class="i10">Oh! what shall I do?</p> +<p>I’ve coughed ad sdeezed till I’be dearly blue,</p> +<p class="i10">Ad by doze is so sore,</p> +<p class="i10">I card blow it bore,</p> +<p>It feels as tedder as if it was raw;</p> +<p>Subbody told be he’d heard of sub stuff</p> +<p>Which you’d odely to sdiff, ad that was eduff;</p> +<p>What did he call it? Alkarab,</p> +<p>I’ll sedd for sub—I suppose it’s a shab—</p> +<p>They always are. Achoo! Achoo!</p> +<p>I thig I’be dyig! Oh! what shall I do?</p> +<p>Yes, this is the stuff that fellow said</p> +<p>Was sure to cure a cold id the head;</p> +<p>Two or three sdiffs the beggar swore</p> +<p>Would bake you as well as you were before.</p> +<p class="stageout">(<i>He sniffs.</i>) Upod my soul, I believe he’s right,</p> +<p>I’be gettig better—it’s wonderful quite,</p> +<p>I albost feel as if I bight</p> +<p>Go out and dide at the Club to-dight.</p> +<p><span class="stage">(<i>He continueth sniffing.</i>)</span></p> +<p>I really will, I feel quite well,</p> +<p>As fresh as a rose, and as sound as a bell,</p> +<p>And I’ll always swear that the only balm</p> +<p>For a cold in the head is Alkaram.</p> +<p>“Here, <span class="sc">John</span>, put out my evening clothes.”</p> +<p class="i10">I’ll take my grub</p> +<p class="i10">To-night at the Club.</p> +<p>Soup, fish, and a bird, with a pint of Larose,</p> +<p>I think that ought to complete the cure,</p> +<p>And make assurance double sure.</p> +<p class="i10">Achoo! Hullo!</p> +<p class="i10">Why here’s a go!</p> +<p>Achoo! Atishoo! Oh dear! Oh dear!</p> +<p>It’s all begiddig agaid, I fear;</p> +<p>You card get rid of a cold like bide</p> +<p>By sbellig a bottle of bedicide!</p> +<p class="i10">Soup ad fish! it’s absurd,</p> +<p class="i10">Or to thigk of a bird,</p> +<p>When you card prodoudce a siggle word,</p> +<p>Ad as for Larose, the tipple for be</p> +<p>Is a cup of boilig lidseed tea.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page197" id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span> +<p class="i10">I’ll go to bed,</p> +<p class="i10">Ad wrap a red</p> +<p>Welsh fladdel baddage roud by head,</p> +<p>Ad stay at hobe for a budth at least,</p> +<p>Till this beastly widd’s do logger East.</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>South Kedsigtod.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>PRO BONO PUBLICO.</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width:23%;"> +<a href="images/197.png"><img width="100%" src="images/197.png" alt="Pro Bono Publico." /></a></div> + +<p>A Mob-Cap was once upon a time a picturesque finish to a pretty +face, and it was of home-manufacture. Now the Mob-Cap is a red +abomination, typical of bloodshed +and crime, of foreign make, and is +mis-called the Cap of Liberty, +which, properly translated, is the +Cap of Licence. It certainly is not +“The Cap of Maintenance,” as it is +adopted by those who would disdain +work, even if it were offered them.</p> + +<p>Not for the first time has <i>Mr. +Punch</i> raised his voice against +Street Processions, which have developed +into one of the greatest +nuisances of the present time, destructive +of trade, detrimental to +every kind of regular business, and +a disgrace to our orderly and respectable +London. All processions +in London ought to be prohibited, +with the exception of such State, +Civic, or Ecclesiastical processions +as may be deemed essential to the dignity of authority, and which +have been, and still are, a source of real pleasure to the Londoners, +who dearly love a show, when there is due and proper occasion for it.</p> + +<p>If the Salvationist Army processions, with their tambourines, +drums, and inharmonious bands, are permitted on Sunday (which +English people were wont to observe in peace and quietness), then +consistently a Socialist procession must be allowed. And what other +processions? Freemasons, Religious Guilds, Clubs,—why should not +the members of the Reform, the Athenæum, the Conservative, the +National Liberal, organise processions? Why not the Garrick Club, +headed by Mr. <span class="sc">Henry Irving</span> and Friend <span class="sc">Toole</span>, with banners emblazoned +with playbills? No. “Reform it altogether.”</p> + +<p>And as to the liberty of out-of-door public meetings. Let +Trafalgar Square be explicitly forbidden to these mischievous anarchists, +of whom the majority are the dupes and tools of firebrand +foreign Communists. Let certain places be allotted to them for +“airing their grievances,” and let each of these places be at +least four miles distant from Charing-Cross. Our Parks are the +“Lungs of London,” and if these Lungs be congested, the health of +London will materially suffer. How many hundreds are now prevented +from entering the Parks by the fear of King Mob and his +rabble rout? Children and nursery-maids dare not take their recreation +in our Parks. Think of that, ye Privates of the Cavalry and +Infantry, and to a man you will be the first to declare for the freedom +of the Parks. Let one of the first enactments of the next Session be +a Bill to Regulate Processions and Out-of-door Meetings. Let it be a +liberal measure—in the true sense of liberal; that is, showing due +consideration for everybody—and let it come into operation as soon +as possible.</p> + +<p class="author">PUNCH</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>KNIGHT THOUGHTS.</h2> + +<p>Sir <span class="sc">Henry Knight</span> seems to be of opinion that luxurious living, +Aldermanic and otherwise, must be a good thing for the poor, because +“Money spent in entertainment goes into the pockets of the working +classes.” If that is so, Dives, in order to benefit Lazarus, can +hardly do better than go on faring sumptuously every day. And yet +somehow, as a matter of fact, the more Dives feeds the more Lazarus +famishes. How is this, O Knight of the Round (Dinner) Table?</p> + +<p>“Neither luxury, nor anything else,” says the philosophical ex-Lord +Mayor, “can be indulged in without purchasing the materials +which contribute to or from which the luxury is obtained.” <i>Argal</i>, +the more luxury among the rich the more money in the pockets of +the poor. Cheering thought!—for civic <i>gourmands</i> and fashionable +fine ladies! Did not a great financier once suggest that England, +which fought itself into debt, might drink itself out of it? Here +seems to be a chance of eating ourselves out of poverty, of dining +ourselves out of destitution. Are there any real “Unemployed” +about? Let those who have money spend more of it in “entertainments” +and the problem is solved without recourse to Mansion +House Funds, Public Works, Eight Hour Movements, or other +schemes philanthropical or revolutionary.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Knight’s</span> panacea for poverty, this proposal to cure it by “entertainment,” +is certainly, in one sense, entertaining. But it is to be +feared that it can hardly be entertained.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR ADVERTISERS.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Inverted Domestic and Other.</span></p> + +<p>A GOOD PLAIN MISTRESS WANTED by a competent and +highly experienced Cook. Must be a thorough lady, accustomed +to making herself generally agreeable, and to not prying into household +matters which do not concern her. She will not be expected to +visit her own kitchen, inquire into the amount of her own weekly +books, keep the key of the beer, or object to the occasional visits of +members of the local Police Force, in which the advertiser has several +near relatives. A little dinner on a small scale now and then will +not be objected to, but seeing much company cannot for a moment +be entertained. An unexceptionable character from the three last +cooks who have filled the place, indispensable. Apply, M.B. +Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>TRAVELLING NOBLEMAN WANTED. A Courier who has a +slight acquaintance with the French and German languages, +and wishes to air them in the course of a pleasant and enjoyable little +outing, is desirous of meeting with a well-recommended aristocrat of +unquestionable antecedents, who wishes to visit the leading towns of +the Continent in thoroughly first-class style. The advertiser, who +would select the routes, generally direct the character of the tour, +and expect to have charge of the cheque-book, would stipulate that +under no circumstances should any question be raised on the score of +expense. None but Noblemen of a confiding disposition, that can be +vouched for by testimonials from their near relatives, need apply. +Communicate with A. X., Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker +Street, W.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A REAL GENTLEMAN, who isn’t too particular, wanted immediately +by a Coachman, who will, when sober, undertake to +drive his carriage and pair for him anywhere he likes about the +Metropolis, and beyond, without smashing him up. Mustn’t be +hasty and close over stable expenses. Any quiet old duffer, who +has been accustomed to let things go their own way without interfering, +preferred. Apply to <span class="sc">Jehu</span>, Eligible Family Supply Agency, +Walker Street, W.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A LADY OF TITLE WANTED by A COMPANION who would +undertake to offer her Society in consideration of sharing the +carriage, home, recreations, pleasures, friends, and general social +<i>entourage</i> of her employer. As the Advertiser has for some years +figured prominently as a garrison hack, and has been somewhat +blown upon in consequence, she will not be too particular as to the +character of the particular “Set” into which her new surroundings +may introduce her; but as she has, by outliving her income, already +run through the little money she possessed, she will expect a salary +of not less than £100 a year, to enable her to dress up to the false +position she has in contemplation to occupy. No recognised old +Dowagers, who live a quiet and retired life, need answer this Advertisement. +No references expected or offered. N. W., Eligible +Family Agency, Walker Street, W.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>SOFT-HEADED NOBLEMAN OR GENTLEMAN wanted by a +shrewd, shifty, pushing, out-at-elbows Adventurer, desirous +of filling the post of Private Secretary, and so worming himself into +an assured position of intimate family confidence. Would suit a +Duke threatened with incipient paralysis. Apply, <span class="sc">Diplomaticus</span>, +Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>CHEERFUL AND WILLING MISTRESS WANTED by an +Under-Housemaid who wears a fringe and latest form of Dress-Improver, +and considers herself generally attractive. State number +of Men Servants, and furnish particulars of the sort of society that +may be expected down-stairs. Advertiser will expect to receive her +own friends on the afternoons of not less than three days in each +week. Mistress may refer to servants at present staying in house, +who can speak favourably as to her character. Apply, <span class="sc">Hilda</span>, +Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>USEFUL AND ACTIVE MISTRESS REQUIRED by a General +Servant who will expect her to do her fair share of the work. +Master must clean the windows and his own boots, and as advertiser +is not an early riser, get up when necessary, and let in the sweeps. +Entire Sundays expected out and no interference with visits of the +Marine Store Dealer. Character Mutual. S. S. S., Eligible Family +Supply Agency, Walker Street, W.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>THE ELIGIBLE FAMILY SUPPLY AGENCY undertake to +provide exacting and particular modern Domestics with thoroughly +satisfactory Masters and Mistresses.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>THE ELIGIBLE FAMILY SUPPLY AGENCY have at the +present moment applications from several Invalid Gentlemen +who require care and solicitude, and will be glad to hear +from Widows with an eye to the main chance, and “Superior” +Housekeepers desirous of getting hold of an unquestionably good +thing.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page198" id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<a href="images/198.png"><img width="100%" src="images/198.png" alt="" /></a> +<h3>HAPPY THOUGHT.</h3> + +<p><i>Jones (of Hampstead).</i> <span class="sc">“This is one of our celebrated Ponds. You’ve heard of them, eh, Grigsby?”</span></p> + +<p><i>Grigsby (who has never been to Hampstead before).</i> <span class="sc">“<i>Heard</i> of ’em? I should think so—ever since I was a Boy! Why, the +<i>Ponds Asinorum</i>, of course!”</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE TWO VOICES.</h2> + +<blockquote><p> +“That this representative body of Working-men, +representing the <i>bonâ fide</i> Unemployed Workmen of +the East and South-East of London, beg to place +on record their entire want of sympathy, and their +utter condemnation of the recent conduct which +has been made in the name of the Unemployed.”—<i>Resolution +passed at a Meeting of Representative +Workmen, held in Whitechapel, for the purpose +“of considering the present position of the Unemployed +Workmen, and the grave events of last week.”</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The Unemployed? Well, here I stand,</p> +<p class="i4">Have stood for many weary weeks,</p> +<p class="i2">With sinking heart and idle hand,</p> +<p class="i4">Hunger’s white ensign on my cheeks.</p> +<p class="i10">I raise no howl</p> +<p>Like yon plump ruffian with the bull-dog jowl;</p> +<p>But the smug swells, with pleasure’s honey cloyed,</p> +<p>May see in me the real Unemployed!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Oh, yes! this hand is used to work,</p> +<p class="i4">The hardness has not left its palm.</p> +<p class="i2">I’m no black-coated spouting shirk,</p> +<p class="i4">Like him upon the tub there. Calm?</p> +<p class="i10">By Heaven, I choke!</p> +<p>Could I but fell the gang at one sharp stroke,</p> +<p>Ranters who rail, and roughs who watch for spoil,</p> +<p>’Twere one good blow in the true cause of Toil.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">How shall I make my poor Voice heard</p> +<p class="i4">’Midst this brute shindy, brainless, mad?</p> +<p class="i2">The slime-deeps of the town are stirred,</p> +<p class="i4">All that’s bloodthirsty, blatant, bad,</p> +<p class="i10">Comes, surging up;</p> +<p>And I—ah! I hang back and drain the cup</p> +<p>Of bitter want in silence, blent with shame</p> +<p>At this base smirching of a Man’s good name.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And then the cynic cacklers crow</p> +<p class="i4">In their snug cushions; crow and cry:</p> +<p class="i2">“Oh, the whole thing’s a farce, you know.</p> +<p class="i4">The old sham play of Poverty,</p> +<p class="i10">Pushed just once more</p> +<p>Upon the public boards. An awful bore!”</p> +<p>So (whilst we starve) the well-fed idlers scoff</p> +<p>At the spoilt tragedy, and cry, “Off! Off!”</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Ah! the sleek fops should take a turn</p> +<p class="i4">At the long, weary foot-sore tramp,</p> +<p class="i2">In search of work, till sick hearts burn,</p> +<p class="i4">Till the cold flags or footways damp,</p> +<p class="i10"> Of London seem</p> +<p>The endless mazes of some devilish dream,</p> +<p>And tempting visions haunt the fevered head,</p> +<p>Of the sharp knife-edge or the river’s bed.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Wrong? Oh, of course! Our duty lies,</p> +<p class="i4">In dull endurance to the end.</p> +<p class="i2">The faces pale, the pleading eyes,</p> +<p class="i4">Of wife and children, looks that rend</p> +<p class="i10"> A fellow’s heart,</p> +<p>And make hot curses from his cold lips start,</p> +<p>These should not madden men unto the pitch,</p> +<p>Of <i>violent</i> despair. So preach the rich!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And yonder yelling fools contrive</p> +<p class="i4">To lend some truth to Mammon’s text.</p> +<p class="i2">The laziest larrikin alive,</p> +<p class="i4">With babbling tongue and braid perplext,</p> +<p class="i10">Can help do <i>that</i>;</p> +<p>Whilst I?—a broken head or beaten hat</p> +<p>Will not so help me in my present state</p> +<p>That I should greatly care to “demonstrate.”</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Only if such a Voice as mine</p> +<p class="i4">Could penetrate the public ear,</p> +<p class="i2">Deafened with all this windy shine,</p> +<p class="i4">And muddled ’twixt contempt and fear;</p> +<p class="i10">I rather think</p> +<p>I would tell some truths might make the scoffers shrink.</p> +<p>But <i>I</i> compete with yonder wolf-eyed brute?</p> +<p>No; I can easier suffer and stand mute.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">If that’s a strong, well-ordered state,</p> +<p class="i4">Where tens of thousands like myself,</p> +<p class="i2">With willing hands, must starve and wait,</p> +<p class="i4">Whilst piles of swiftly growing pelf,</p> +<p class="i10">Sweated from toil,</p> +<p>Swell for the lords of capital and soil,</p> +<p>Then—you may rear a city on foul slime,</p> +<p>And build Society on want and crime.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">My Voice! Men will not listen—yet;</p> +<p class="i4">And when they open ears at last,</p> +<p class="i2">Bludgeon won’t cure, nor bayonet.</p> +<p class="i4">Meanwhile yon brayer at full blast</p> +<p class="i10">Belies my cause,</p> +<p>’Midst foolish jeers and foolisher applause;</p> +<p>And preachers prose, and statesmen tinker on,</p> +<p>And we—we starve in gold-choked Babylon!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p>“My Nephew, who is very fond of pictures,” +said Mrs. <span class="sc">Ram</span>, “has just purchased the finest +Pot o’ Jelly I have ever seen.” Can it be +possible that the dear old lady meant Botticelli?</p> + +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page199" id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<a href="images/199.png"><img width="100%" src="images/199.png" alt="THE TWO VOICES." /></a> + +<h3>THE TWO VOICES.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">One of the Real “Unemployed.”</span>—“HOW +AM I TO MAKE <i>MY</i> VOICE HEARD IN THIS BLACKGUARD ROW!!”</p> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>—<i>Trafalgar Square. Several thousand loafers and roughs +discovered asserting right of free speech, free meeting and free +procession. A few hundred genuine artisans out of work +standing about moodily. Lines of Policemen drawn up in +reserve look on impassively.</i></p> + +<p><i>A Lover of Liberty.</i> As an Englishman, Sir, I’m disgusted—it’s +<i>un-English</i>, that’s what it is, “dragooning” an inoffensive assembly +like this! I <i>used</i> to think +freedom of speech and +action was the right of +every Briton—but it seems +we’re to be overawed by +the Police now—confounded +impertinence on the part of +the Government, I call it!</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:29%;"> +<a href="images/201.png"><img width="100%" src="images/201.png" alt="Hooky Walker!" /></a> + +<span class="sc">“Hooky Walker!”</span> + +<p>“... The Leaders, H. George, <i>and the +man whose name was said to be</i> Walker, put +up their coat-collars and sneaked away under +the trees.”—<i>Newspaper Report.</i> +</p> +</div> + +<p><i>An Orator (leaping suddenly +on parapet).</i> Feller +Citizens, are you <i>Men</i> that +you stand by with folded +’ands, while unlimited food +and wealth lays within a +stone’s throw? I want +yer——</p> + +<p><i>Constables (behind).</i> Ah, +and we want <i>you</i>—off you +go!</p> + +<p><span class="stage">[<i>Disappearance of Orator +in direction of Police-station.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Lover of Liberty.</i> +Shame! Is a man to be +punished for his opinions? +Oh, England, England!</p> + +<p><i>Person in Search of +Sensation (disappointedly).</i> +Well, there doesn’t seem +much doing,—so far.</p> + +<p><i>Squalid Vagabond (recognising</i> +Stalwart Constable, <i>whom he has apparently met before +in a professional capacity</i>). ’Ow <i>are</i> yer, pretty bobbish?</p> + +<p><span class="stage">[<i>Nods to show he bears no malice.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Stalwart C. (good-humouredly).</i> I’m much as usual, thankee.</p> + +<p><i>Companion Constable (to S. C.).</i> Well, you <i>do</i> know some rough +’uns, I must say!</p> + +<p><i>Stalwart C.</i> Go on—that gentleman’s a West-Ender.</p> + +<p><i>Professional “Hook” (to line of Policemen).</i> So <i>you</i>’re ’ere, are +you? Well, me and my pal must take <i>our</i> little prominade some +hother arternoon, that’s all!</p> + +<p><i>Sympathiser (to Loafer).</i> And so you’ve actually been out of +employment since last January? Monstrous! The Government ought +to find you work!</p> + +<p><i>Loafer.</i> Jes’ what <i>I</i> say, Guv’nor. Let ’em gimme work, and +I’ll <i>do</i> it fast enough. <i>I</i> don’t want ter be idle. I ain’t on’y my +one trade to earn my bread by—but I’ll work at that, if I’m let!</p> + +<p><i>Sympathiser.</i> Exactly, my poor fellow, and what <i>is</i> your trade?</p> + +<p><i>Loafer.</i> Why, I’m a skate-fastener, I am; puts on parties’ skates +for ’em,—and ’ere I am—not ’ad a job for months!</p> + +<p><i>Truculent Ruffian (to Quiet Observer).</i> Hunimployed?</p> + +<p><i>Quiet Obs.</i> Yes—at present.</p> + +<p><i>T. R.</i> Too many o’ them bloomin’ Coppers about, to <i>my</i> mind—I’d +like to slug the lot—they’re the ruin of <i>our</i> bisness!</p> + +<p><i>Quiet Obs.</i> Ah, you’re right <i>there</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Demagogue (to Police Sergeant).</i> Now, don’t you interfere—that’s +all <i>I</i> ask. <i>I’ll</i> speak to them—I have them thoroughly in hand just +now, but, if you offer them the least opposition, I—(<i>with much +solemnity</i>) well, I won’t be responsible for what happens. (<i>He is +allowed to address the multitude.</i>) Friends, you are met here in this +peaceful but imposing manner in the teeth of a brutal and overbearing +Constabulary, to show the bloated Capitalists, who are now +trembling behind their tills, that we mean to be taken seriously! +Yes, in our squalor and our rags——</p> + +<p><span class="stage">[<i>Throws open frock-coat, and displays thick gold watch-chain.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Mob.</i> Yah, pitch us over yer red slang! take orf that ere nobby +coat! Harristocrat! Yah!</p> + +<p><i>Dem. (complacently).</i> It is true that I myself am not in absolute +destitution.—But what of that, my friends? Can I not <i>feel</i>——</p> + +<p><span class="stage">[<i>Here a turnip strikes him in the eye. Yells of “Down with +him!” “Duck him!” “Spy!” “Traitor!” Mob +pulls him down and attempts to take him to pieces.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Dem. (faintly).</i> Here, hi, Policemen, help! Why the devil don’t +you use your staves? <span class="stage">[<i>Is rescued and assisted home by Police.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>A Rough (to Policeman).</i> Keep moving? ah, <i>I’ll</i> move! <span class="stage">[<i>Kicks +him on the knee-cap. Policeman draws truncheon and hits back.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Crowd (indignantly).</i> Boo! Coward! Strikin’ a unarmed man—down +with ’im! <span class="stage">[<i>They beat brutal Constable to a jelly.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>The Truculent Ruffian (to Quiet Obs.)</i> Are you game for a merry +ole lark?</p> + +<p><i>Quiet Obs.</i> You <i>try</i> me—that’s all!</p> + +<p><i>T. R.</i> Then, as them cowards of cops ’ave as much on their ’ands +as they kin do with, now’s the time for a bit of a loot! Pass the +word to them mates o’ yourn—“Pall Mall and no tyranny!”</p> + +<p><i>Quiet Obs.</i> I’ve done it—they’re only waiting for <i>you.</i></p> + +<p><i>T. R. (suddenly producing red handkerchief).</i> There—<i>now</i>, boys! +“Remember Mitchelstown and no brutal perlice!” Foller me!</p> + +<p><i>Quiet Obs. (arresting him).</i> No, you’ll follow us, please—you won’t +do no good kicking, all right, mates, we’ve got him.</p> + +<p><i>T. R.</i> Oh, please, I didn’t know you was a Policeman, Sir, or I +shouldn’t ha’ spoke! Strike me dead I was on’y in fun! (<i>Whimpers.</i>) +And I’ve a good ole mother at ’ome, Sir.</p> + +<p><i>The Person in Search of Sensation.</i> What, another arrest? and +simply for showing a red handkerchief! I shall write and describe +these atrocities. How abominably these police are behaving—actually +defending themselves, the blackguards!</p> + +<p><span class="stage">[<i>A Policeman accidentally lifts his arm, whereupon about fifty +youths scurry like rabbits; in the rush, the Person in search +of Sensation is hustled and slightly trampled on. He +becomes annoyed, and hits out right and left—eventually +striking a Constable in his excitement.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>Const. (who has been without sleep for the last two days and has +just had his cheek laid open by a stone).</i> ’Ere, you come along with +me, you’re one of the wust, you are!</p> + +<p><i>The Person.</i> But I assure you, I just came to see what there was +to be seen!</p> + +<p><i>Const.</i> Well, you come along with me, and you’ll see a Magistrit +presently.</p> + +<p><span class="stage">[The Person <i>resists; struggle; arrival of reinforcements; exit +party, in “frog’s-marching” order, conveying him to fresh +sensations.</i></span></p> + +<p><i>The Lover of Liberty (emerging from crush).</i> My hat ruined, my +coat split down the back, and my watch gone! I <i>told</i> the crowd I +was with them heart and soul—and they hit me in the stomach! +What do we keep our police <i>for</i>, I want to know?</p> + +<p><i>Professional (emerging in opposite direction).</i> Three red clocks, +two pusses, and a white slang, I ain’t done so dusty! ’Ooray for the +right o’ Free Meetin’, <i>I</i> sez!</p> + +<p><i>Genuine Unemployed (wearily).</i> Well, I dunno as I see what good +all this ’ere is a goin’ to do <i>hus</i>! <span class="stage">[<i>And no more does Mr. Punch.</i></span></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>FROM MR. HENRY IRVING’S NOTE-BOOK.</h2> + +<p>(<i>Published without permission.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Stratford-on-Avon, October 18.</i>—Speech at the Opening-of-Fountain +ceremony went very well. Some distinguished Americans were not +there, notably Mr. <span class="sc">Abbey</span>. In consequence, had to omit all reference +to “Abbey Thought” and “Fountains Abbey,” which, as J. L. T. +suggested in his letter, would have lightened the entertainment considerably. +Also very annoying, but I never thought of it till too late; +I quite forgot to say anything about <span class="sc">Buffalo Bill</span>. <span class="sc">Cody</span> will be +hurt; but I shall be in America before he gets back there, so it doesn’t +much matter. Yet it was a chance lost. <span class="sc">William Shakspeare</span>, +<span class="sc">William Cody</span>, Buffalo <span class="sc">Bill</span>, Swan <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span>. No matter, +keep it for another time. And at the last moment I could not make +out what I had written on my wristband as a mem. for speech. It +was <i>à propos</i> of Mr. <span class="sc">Child’s</span> gift. I see now it was something about +“Child’s the father to the man.” And then an allusion to the sympathy +between America and England as not being mere “Child’s-play.” +Very odd, how I forgot that. Still, speech couldn’t have gone better.</p> + +<p>And how on earth I omitted to make any mention of Miss <span class="sc">Mary +Anderson</span> I can’t understand! Yet the fact that this fair American +is now playing at the Lyceum ought to have stuck in my memory +which yet holds its seat in this distracted brain. And, dear me, +there was the American Minister present, and yet—bother it!—it +never occurred to me, till I was dressing this evening, hours afterwards, +that I ought to have remarked on the fact that America was +represented here on this special Dramatic occasion by a gentleman +bearing a name so honoured alike by English and American actors, +and so dear to the theatrical profession as must always be that of +“<span class="sc">Phelps</span>.” But this will keep, too, for another time. And, after +all, in spite of these omissions, which of course nobody noticed, the +speech went admirably.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>Nottingham v. Sunderland.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>“There’s <i>no</i> Liberal Party!” cries <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> the bold.</p> +<p class="i2">“Hooray!” shout the Tories, “the straightest of shots!”</p> +<p>But the faithful who flock to the G. O. M.’s fold.</p> +<p class="i2">Say, “Our old party bonds are re-tied now—in <i>Notts</i>!”</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span></p> + +<h2>THE AXE PREMIER’S AUCTION.</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<a href="images/202.png"><img width="100%" src="images/202.png" alt="" /></a> +<p><i>Auctioneer.</i> <span class="sc">“Fine Chips of the Old Block, Gentlemen! +Splendid specimens of the Hawarden Timber, in the Sale of +which, Gentlemen, I assure you, I have ‘no Interest whatever.’”</span> +(“<i>Hear! hear!</i>”) +<span class="sc">“Now, Gentlemen, how much shall +we say for this Chip, which I lopped off when I was leaving +Hawarden—when I was ‘cutting my stick,’ in fact.”</span> +(<i>Laughter.</i>) +<span class="sc">“Who bids for This? Don’t be all Fagot-voting at once!”</span> +(<i>Laughter and Cheers.</i>) +<span class="sc">“Now then,—Fifteen Shillings, Ten Shillings, Seven, Five, +Eighteenpence,—any advance on Eighteenpence? Going! Going! Going! Gone! +Gone for Eighteenpence, and chip at the Price!”</span> +<span class="stage">[<i>Auction Continues.</i>]</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>HINTS FOR THE UNEMPLOYED.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,—Excellent as is the suggestion of your Correspondent, “<span class="sc">One +who would Elevate Them</span>,” that the Unemployed should be +forthwith put into the hands of some competent Ballet-Master, and +after a proper course of instruction, despatched to all the Board +Schools in England for the purpose of teaching every pupil who has +passed the Sixth Standard, dancing and deportment, yet I do not +think he goes far enough. Why stop at this comparatively subordinate +art? Why not make them musicians, teach them to play +<span class="sc">Wagner</span>, and despatch them straightway through the length and +breadth of the land as enthusiastic Apostles of the great Master? +What a glorious prospect to turn the three or four thousand idle +loafers who have lately been hulking about Trafalgar Square for the +purpose of breaking the peace, into a mighty army of skilled fiddlers +eager to wake the glad strains of the spirit-stirring Music of the +Future in every quiet village green through the three Kingdoms. And +the accomplishment of such a task need not be set aside as the wild +vision of some hopeless dreamer. I am convinced, Sir, that if the +authorities of the Royal College and Guildhall School of Music, but +set their shoulders to the wheel, the thing will soon be an accomplished +fact. Such, Sir, at all events, is the opinion of one who +believes firmly in</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">“The Soul of the Masses.”</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,—Why not paint the whole of London, public buildings and +all?—I’m sure they want it. The latter might be done in different +colours. St. Paul’s, for instance, might be orange, Westminster +Abbey pea-green, and the Houses of Parliament a bright blue. If +the effect were found unsatisfactory, fresh colours could be tried, +until something were hit upon that should be considered suitable. +This would afford the additional advantage of providing fresh work +for the Unemployed. I don’t see what else can be done. Everybody +can use a brush, and with a couple, or say, three coats all over the +Metropolis, there would be plenty to occupy everybody for the next +six months. As to expense, an extra 15<i>s.</i> tacked on to the rates +would soon settle that, and I’ll be bound there’s many a householder +willing to face that trifling alternative, together with</p> + +<p class="center">Yours, practically, one who takes</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">“The Bull by the Horns.”</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,—I cannot but think that, if <span class="sc">Buffalo Bill</span> were to introduce +the “Unemployed” into his Show, he would score a big success. +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span> +The introduction might take the shape of a contest between the +“Wild East” and the “Wild West.” The former might be armed +with brickbats and park-railings, and the latter with their usual +weapons; and, were it known that a little genuine blood would be +drawn in the entertainment, it might be safely counted on to draw +all London. I throw out the suggestion for what it is worth.</p> + +<p class="center">Your obedient servant,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">“A Commercial Well-wisher.”</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,—As at the present season of the year nothing is more common +than to find the stalls of most of the leading West-End theatres +empty, a fact which has a very chilling effect on the efforts of the +players, why not fill the empty places with the so-called “Unemployed”? +A warm bath, a suit of evening clothes, clean shirt, and +white tie would instantly fit the veriest outcast that has recently +come into collision with the police in Hyde Park or elsewhere, at +least outwardly, for the social atmosphere of the place. A central +committee might at once be inaugurated for the supply of these +necessary preliminaries for admission, and a thousand or two excellent +substitutes for the ordinary <i>habitués</i> forthwith launched nightly +among what is at the present moment left of the fashionable play-going +world in the Metropolis. The advantage would cut both ways. +Not only would the Management be blessed by the appearance of a +perfectly full house, but the loafers, professional thieves, and ruffians +who produced it would, no doubt, endeavour to play up to their +clothes and surroundings, and, on receipt of a small retaining-fee of +3<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> a head for their attendance, be proportionately softened and +civilised by the process. This, Sir, seems to me a very legitimate, +humane, and philosophical method of dealing with the present crisis, +and as such I trust it will as powerfully recommend itself to your +readers as it has to</p> + +<p class="center">Yours thoughtfully,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">“A Pleasure-Seeking Socialist.”</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,—What are the authorities about that they do not at once +embank the river on both sides up to Richmond, and span it with +five bridges between this and Gravesend? Then there’s the whole +of Piccadilly to come down and be rebuilt with the road properly +levelled, to say nothing of a great Central Terminus in Soho Square +uniting the Midland, North and Great Western, Great Northern with +the Great Eastern, and all the Great Southern lines. Add to this, +that the entire gas-piping of the Metropolis ought to come up +bodily, and make way for the installation of the Electric Light, to +say nothing of the fixing in all the leading thoroughfares of overhead +railways on the New York principle, and you have enough work +at least to begin upon and meet the present crisis. Let the Board of +Works and the various Vestries set to work at once, and as soon as +Parliament assembles let it be asked to vote Five-hundred Millions +towards preliminary expenses. This, Sir, is, I am convinced, the +only reasonable and efficient way of dealing with the present unsatisfactory +aspect of the labour question. Such is the opinion of</p> + +<p class="center">Yours energetically,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="sc">“A Roused Alarmist.”</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,—When the Police have fairly and effectually cleared off the +loafers, not-do-a-stroke-of-work gentry, and the sedition-mongers, +then we can turn our attention to the wants of the genuine Unemployed. +Their case is by no means beyond us. It only needs the +active and intelligent co-operation among the administrators of +charitable funds and agencies, the Poor-Law Authorities, employers +of labour, and others, to give immediate and practical effect to the +wide-spread sympathy felt for them by all classes of their more fortunate +fellow-countrymen, including your quite sober-minded and +charitably-disposed Correspondent,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">“Common Sense.”</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>DERBY AND GLADSTONE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>A Speech summarised in a Stanza.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i8"><span class="sc">Air</span>—“<i>Darby and Joan.</i>”</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Derby</span>, dear, I am old and grey,</p> +<p>Fifty-five years since my opening day,</p> +<p>“Ins” and “Outs” are for every one</p> +<p class="i2">As the world goes round.</p> +<p>Derby, dear, I must fain admit</p> +<p>I’ve altered my mind, just a little bit.</p> +<p>But I learnt freedom’s lesson in Forty-five,</p> +<p>And I mean to be true to it whilst I’m alive.</p> +<p class="i8">Always the same,</p> +<p class="i10">Derby, my own,</p> +<p class="i8">Always the same</p> +<p class="i10">Is your old <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE ACTOR’S PROGRESS.</h2> + +<p>Within the last half-century, the education of actors +has advanced in an extraordinary degree, inasmuch as +some have been known to take a degree, or try to, at +the University. Therefore the following advertisement +in the <i>Era</i> will probably cause little surprise:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +WANTED, for La Comédie Anglaise, a Light Comedian, for +a few Weeks, while a Member of the Company returns to +Oxford to take his degree. Must be a gentleman. Address, &c. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>This gentleman, to use the language of the <i>Era</i>, seems +inclined to “combine leading business with general +utility.” It is to be hoped he will get his degree, and +return to be an ornament to the stage. But if this +kind of thing goes on, we shall probably eventually see +announced in our theatrical contemporary—“Senior +Wrangler and Light Comedian open to engagement in +first-class Company.”</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>“<span class="sc">The Reversible Pen-cleaner</span>,” recently invented +by <span class="sc">De la Rue & Co.</span>, will be most useful to Leader-writers, +Politicians, Journalists, and everybody in the +habit of using “reversible pens,” or pens that can +write equally well on both sides. Such pens must occasionally +require cleaning; and to be cleaned in this +pad they must remain upright.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>“<span class="sc">A Winter’s Tale.</span>”—That of poverty and distress, +which we must do our best to relieve.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:54%;"> +<a href="images/203.png"><img width="100%" src="images/203.png" alt="MIDDLE AGE." /> +</a> + +<h3>MIDDLE AGE.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">“You’re getting Long-sighted, Dearest. You’ll have to wear +Glasses.”</span></p> + +<p><span class="sc">“Stuff and nonsense! It’s not my sight that’s Long—it’s my Arms +that aren’t Long <i>enough</i>!”</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Euthanasia.</span>—In a certain Western newspaper we read the following +startling announcement, in relation to the decease of a certain +lady whose obituary notice appears in its columns:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +“More or less an invalid for a considerable time past, latterly she has been +under the care of Mr. —— and Mr. ——, and her death was not therefore +altogether unexpected.” +</p></blockquote> + +<p>What a lift for the two Medicos mentioned! They, no doubt, are +now blessing that Western Editor for inserting this gratuitous +tribute to their curative skill. Their motto for the future should be—“<i>Removals</i> +conducted with punctuality and dispatch.”</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page204" id="page204"></a>[pg 204]</span></p> + +<h2>STUDIES FROM MR. PUNCH’S STUDIO.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">No. XXX.—Mr. Alderman Slocoach.</span></p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:32%;"> +<a href="images/204-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/204-1.png" alt="Mr. Alderman Slocoach." /></a></div> + +<p>What a strange, unreal, almost incomprehensible life must that +of a City Alderman be at the present time. Regarded in the light of +centuries ago, it all seems in accordance with the fitness of things, +and neither ludicrous +nor out of place. But +now, in these days of +earnestness and common +sense, what a +great sham it seems to +the merely superficial +observer, and yet, +however great an anomaly +it may appear, +when tested by results +it seems to work fairly +well.</p> + +<p>Suppose we take Mr. +Alderman <span class="sc">Slocoach</span> as +an example. He was +taken from his warehouse, +some years ago, +and made an Alderman +by the votes of some +three or four hundred +of the rate-payers of +his Ward, the majority +of whom knew little or +nothing about him, and +probably cared less, +and in a week or two, +he found himself +seated on the Magistrate’s +Bench at Guildhall, +to declare the +Law, of which he literally knew nothing, and to administer Justice +under circumstances so apparently absurd as to be hardly credible. +Being probably a conscientious man, and knowing his utter ignorance +of the duties that his position demanded of him, what was he to do? +What he did was probably the best he could do under the circumstances, +and thinking, as he told an old friend with whom he conversed +on the matter, that it was better, as err he must, to err on the side of +mercy, he made it a point always to consult the Clerk of the Court, +and whatever amount of punishment he advised him to inflict, he +generally halved it.</p> + +<p>Having long since got thoroughly accustomed to the whole matter, +and having acquired a certain amount of dignity of demeanour, he is +able to go through the wondrous ceremony with comparative ease, +but is still greatly troubled with certain qualms of conscience in certain +special cases. For instance, when fining a poor working-man +five shillings for drunkenness,—he having met an old friend and +been persuaded to take more than was good for him,—and that +amount probably constituting a full day’s income, his thoughts will +revert to that particularly jovial banquet with his worshipful Company +the previous evening, and whether some one or two of the guests +not sufficiently seasoned to these matters, were not quite as guilty as +the poor workman he had just fined, and how they would like to have +to pay a day’s income for this folly, amounting in one case to probably +£100! and yet possibly the workman had the better excuse of +the two! And then, again, there is that very awkward and puzzling +question, that so troubles some of his more conscientious brethren as +well as himself, that of punishment for gambling. When inflicting +some of those very heavy fines and penalties, which he is told it is +his bounden duty to do in the case of betting in public houses, his +thoughts must revert to those two most intimate friends of his who +are regular visitors at <span class="sc">Tattersall’s</span> in the height of the racing season; +and also to the fact that he himself, as his stock-broker well knows, +after leaving the Bench, occasionally wends his way to Capel Court, +and buys or sells for the account to very very large amounts; and, +though he probably tries his best, as others do, to convince himself +that there is no doubt a very great difference between the cases of +Mr. <span class="sc">Bung</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Tattersall</span>, and between playing cards for half-crowns, +and buying or selling £50,000 Consols for the account, it was +not until his conscience had lost its natural elasticity that he succeeded, +and, even now its twinges are, occasionally, very sharp.</p> + +<p>When Alderman <span class="sc">Slocoach</span> was first elected to his high position, +his great delight was to attend at the Old Bailey, and occupy a seat +on the judicial Bench, and enjoy the supreme satisfaction of feeling +that, without his absolutely useless presence, the whole proceedings +must necessarily come to a stand-still, and fond memory still +looks back to the occasion on which one of Her <span class="sc">Majesty’s</span> Judges +actually said to him, in quite a friendly manner, “Shall <i>we</i> say +twelve or fifteen months, Alderman?” On the other hand, he will +probably remember, to his dying day, the look of mingled anger and +contempt with which he was received by another of Her <span class="sc">Majesty’s</span> +Judges, of rather irascible temper, when he rushed breathless into +Court, having, by his absence, delayed the proceedings for more than +an hour.</p> + +<p>Naturally, the one particular event to which an Alderman looks +forward with the most especial anticipations of honour and renown, +is the year of his Mayoralty, when he will have his otherwise humble +name associated with those of the famous men who, in very different +times to those in which we live, ruled the great City, with courage +and discretion.</p> + +<p>Much, however, depends upon the public events of his year of office, +as to its importance, or want of it, to himself personally, and Mr. +Alderman <span class="sc">Slocoach</span> was not particularly fortunate in that respect. +There was no European Monarch on a visit to this country, whom +the Corporation was requested by the Government to honour, with +the customary satisfactory result to the Lord Mayor of the day; there +was no public ceremonial of unusual importance that required the +brilliant surroundings of Civic pomp to give it full <i>éclat</i>, and as his +year of office approached its termination, his solemn look became +more solemn, and his hopes evidently grew fainter and fainter. But +fortune was kind to him, and a change of Government, which made +it desirable to gain the City’s sweet voices, brought him the coveted +honour.</p> + +<p>Like most of his colleagues who have what is technically called +“passed the Chair,” he takes things very coolly, probably thinking +that nothing remains to be done after having passed through such an +ordeal. But there is one especial duty still left for Aldermen to +perform from which he is seldom absent. They have been deprived +of their control over prisons, and of their government of the Royal +Hospitals, their control of the Police is almost nominal, but they still +have charge of City Lunatics, and it is said that Alderman <span class="sc">Slocoach</span> +is seldom absent from the official visits to them, when the reciprocity +of feeling manifested between the poor patients and their visitor is +described as quite touching. He is also often seen at City Banquets, +and is always quite ready to return thanks for what he calls the +Grand Old Corporation, and repeats with painful iteration the old bit +of twaddle about the infallibility of Aldermanic judgments and the +increasing popularity of their order; but he is wonderfully good-natured, +devotes a great deal of time to the gratuitous performance +of public duties, assists very efficiently in brightening up many an +otherwise dull scene with the brilliancy of his handsome scarlet robe, +and would, with his worshipful Brethren, be much missed if deprived +of those civic functions that have been performed by them, and such +as they, for many centuries past, and which entitle them in all +respects to the esteem of their fellow citizens as a trustworthy, +sober and honourable body of men.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>IMPERIAL INSTITUTORS.</h2> + +<p>Sir <span class="sc">F. Abel</span>, the organising Secretary of the Imperial Institute, +recently issued a very agreeable and pleasing memorandum to the +Chairmen of Provincial Committees and others who have assumed an +active part in support of the undertaking. After describing the +“large measure of success” that has attended the efforts of the local +Committees throughout the country, Sir <span class="sc">Frederick</span> goes on to say +that a “considerable number” of them have “signified their willingness +to prolong their operations with the especial object of +obtaining additions to the ‘Endowment Fund’ of the Institute which +is about to be created.” This is but natural. Taking into consideration +the fact that in many quarters a handsome subscription to the +funds of the Institute has been regarded as a sure passport to +honour, and that the non-distribution of titles right and left among +a lot of small provincial celebrities has already occasioned a good deal +of heartburning and disappointment, this new lease of life, affording +them, as it does, a fresh opportunity of struggling for their much-coveted +prize, cannot but be hailed by the yet unsatisfied “Chairmen +of Provincial Committees and others” with genuine joy and +thankfulness.</p> + +<p>That plain Mr. <span class="sc">John Bopkins</span>, or Mr. <span class="sc">Peter Pickletub</span>, Mayor, +should suddenly blossom out into Sir <span class="sc">John Bopkins</span>, and, possibly, +Sir <span class="sc">Peter Pickletub</span>, Bart., would only seem to those indefatigable +gentlemen an appropriate finish to their labours in furtherance of +the interests of the Institute. Their readiness, therefore, to prolong +their operations, as it may be measured by the fact that it will have +the special object not only of “procuring additions” to the Endowment +Fund, but also of tacking them on to their own names, is likely +to be both hearty and enthusiastic. Whether anything will come of +their hopeful perseverance, remains to be seen; but it is tolerably +certain that if some sort of bureau for the sale of decorations, after +the latest French model, could be instituted on this side of the +Channel, there would be no lack of clients ready to besiege it. +But——we manage these things much better in England.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>When the Deputation waited on him, Mr. <span class="sc">Matthews</span> was the +“Not-at-Home Secretary.” Quite right too.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:53px;"> +<a href="images/204-2.png"><img src="images/204-2.png" width="53" height="32" alt="Pointing finger" /></a> +</div> + +<p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will +in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule +there will be no exception.</p> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, October 29, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, OCT 29, 1887 *** + +***** This file should be named 37125-h.htm or 37125-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/1/2/37125/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, October 29, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 18, 2011 [EBook #37125] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, OCT 29, 1887 *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 93. + + + +October 29th, 1887. + + + + +QUITE A LITTLE HOLIDAY. + +EXTRACT FROM A GRAND OLD DIARY. MONDAY, OCT. 17. + +Self, wife, and HERBERT started early to escape our kind-hearted, +clear-headed admirers; so early, that I scarcely had time before +leaving to write thirty post-cards, seventy-six pages of notes for +my next magazine article, and to cut down half-a-dozen trees. Train +announced to leave Chester at 10:30, but got off at the hour. +This little joke (WATKIN'S notion) caused much amusement. Through +opera-glasses we could see bands of music, deputations, &c., +constantly coming to the railway-stations to meet our train after +it had passed. Too bad! However, to prevent disappointment, and as +CHAMBERLAIN has been imitating me and vulgarised my original idea, I +knocked off some speeches, in pencil, and HERBERT threw them out of +the window as fast as I could write them. So far as we could make out +with a telescope, some of them reached their destination, and seemed +to be well received. + +[Illustration: Master Willie Gladstone "really enjoying, and in some +measure appreciating and understanding," our Mr. Agnew's lectures on +Art. + +_Vide Times Report, Oct. 18._] + +Awfully pleased to meet Mr. WILLIAM AGNEW at Manchester. Odd +coincidence of Christian names. I shall speak of him and allude to him +as "The Other WILLIAM." He promised to keep by me, and show me all the +pictures worth seeing. + +"T'Other WILLIAM," said I, "you are very good. As you know, I take a +great and sincere interest in pictures and works of Art, although I +know very little about them." T'Other WILLIAM protested. "No, T'Other +WILLIAM, I am right. You have been the means of providing me with +a commodity most difficult of all others to procure if you do not +possess it yourself--that is to say, you have provided me with +brains." Further protests from T'Other One. "No, T'Other WILLIAM, +hear me out; for you know in all cases where a judgment has had to be +passed upon works of Art, I have been accustomed to refer a great deal +to you, and lean upon you, because you have been constantly the means +of enabling me really to see, and really to enjoy, and in some measure +to appreciate and understand, all that you have shown to me." + +I was so pleased with this little speech that I made HERBERT take it +down as I repeated it to him privately when T'Other was looking in +another direction. When I brought it out afterwards, at luncheon in +the Palm-house, it went wonderfully. So it should, because I felt +every word of it. T'Other WILLIAM is one of the kindest and most +courteous of my friends. + +I was very pleased with the Exhibition, although perhaps (I am not +certain of this) I might have seen it better had not about four +thousand visitors followed our little party everywhere, cheering +vociferously. I was consequently obliged to keep my attention most +carefully fixed upon the exhibits, as when I caught any stranger's +eye, the stranger immediately (but with an eagerness that did not +exceed the limits of good behaviour) called upon me to make a speech +then and there upon the subject of "Home Rule." I am sure I should +on each and every occasion have only been too delighted, had not Sir +ANDREW warned me not to indulge too much in that sort of thing. The +crowd, however, had its decided advantage, inasmuch as we were carried +off our feet everywhere. In this luxurious fashion we were wafted to +Messrs. DOULTON'S Pottery Manufactory, to Mr. JESSE HAWORTH'S loan +exhibition of Egyptian antiquities, the name "JESSE" recalled to me +the poor misguided JOE'S "JESSE," the second fiddle, but _toujours +fidele_, and to a great many other shows of almost equal interest. + +But of course _the_ feature of the Exhibition was the collection +of pictures. I was absolutely delighted. T'Other WILLIAM explained +everything, and amongst other portraits showed me one of myself by +MILLAIS. I imagine that everybody must have thought it very like, +because when they observed me inspecting it, they cheered more +vigorously than ever. For my part I can't help feeling that Sir JOHN +might have done more with the collars. He has not (to my thinking, +although I confess I may be wrong) put quite enough starch in them. +This is my own idea, as I did not consult T'Other One upon the +subject. Great as my reliance is upon him concerning works of Art, I +reserve the right of using my own judgment in the matter of collars. +Passing through the galleries I was delighted with everything I saw. +The only drawback to my pleasure was the fact that I was followed (as +I have already hinted) by a cheering crowd, who occasionally, and, no +doubt, accidentally, drowned the voice of my kind Mentor. Under other +circumstances I should have drawn the distinction between the Mentor +and the Tor-mentors. Think this, but don't say it. For instance, when +we were standing in front of "_Ramsgate Sands_," this is what reached +my ears eager for instruction:-- + +"'_Ramsgate Sands_,' by FRITH--(_'Hooray!'_)--who, as you know, has +just written--(_'Speech! Speech!' 'Home Rule!' 'Three cheers for +MORLEY!'_)--full of anecdotes of all sorts of interesting people. If +you went to Ramsgate now, you would find----(_'We are going to give +you another carpet, old man!' 'Hooray, hooray, hooray!' 'Three +Cheers for Home Rule!--An extra one for Manchester!'_)--and +practically the sand-frequenters we are carefully examining in this +picture are of thirty years ago. (_'Speech! Speech!'_) You must +know----(_'Hooray, hooray, hooray!'_)" + +And at this period my dear friend was silenced by our being carried +away in an irresistible stream to the Palm-house, where we took part +in an excellent luncheon. Here I delivered my speech, which I +pride myself was first-rate. I called Manchester the Modern Athens, +explaining, however, that no offence was intended to the capital +of Midlothian. Take it all round, then, in spite of the "exuberant +interest" shown in me by my fellow-citizens, I have had a very +pleasant day, thanks chiefly to T'Other WILLIAM. + + * * * * * + +A PROGRESSIVE PROGRAMME. + +_October 25._--Lecture by amiable Police Magistrate to six hulking +rowdies, who have been assaulting the Police, on the duty of "bearing +distress patiently." Tells them "not to do it again," and dismisses +them with aid from the Poor Box and his blessing. Surprise of rowdies. + +_October 26._--Unemployed employ themselves in sacking portion of Bond +Street, during temporary withdrawal of Police for a little rest. + +_October 27._--Sitting Alderman at Mansion House gives a Socialist +Deputation some sympathetic and fatherly advice, and recommends them +to "study laws of supply and demand." Invites them to Lord Mayor's +Banquet. Deputation accepts invitation readily, and, on emerging +into street, is chivied down Cheapside by infuriated mob of other +Socialists, who have not received invitations. + +_October 28._--New Leaders of Mob (_vice_ Deputation, resigned) +denounce sympathetic Alderman as a "bloated exploiter." Nelson +Monument pulled down. Ten leading tradesmen, in neighbourhood of +Trafalgar Square, unable to do any business, owing to streets being +blocked with rioters, go into bankruptcy. + +_October 29._--Gathering of "Unemployed" in Westminster Abbey. +Unemployed complain bitterly because chairs have no cushions. The +Dean, conducted to pulpit under strong police escort, preaches very +conciliatory sermon on duty of Upper Classes, all, except Deans, to +give most of what they possess to poor; advises poor to wait patiently +till they get it. Retires under heavy shower of hymn-books. Unemployed +"remain to prey." + +_October 30._--Westminster Abbey sacked, in consequence of Dean's +conciliatory sermon. The Canons go off. + +_November 1._--Mansion House Relief Fund started. Fifty thousand +pounds subscribed the first day by leading philanthropists who +have had all their windows broken. Trade paralysed, and numbers of +Unemployed consequently increasing. Speech by celebrated Statesman, +contrasting disorder and lawlessness in Ireland with universal +contentment and order existing in England. + +_November 2._--Mob helps itself to chief pictures in National Gallery, +on ground that they "belong to the people." Raffle organised for the +Raffaelles. Fifteen policemen have their ribs broken. + +_November 3._--Whole Police Force disabled by angry mob armed with +bludgeons and revolvers. Sympathetic Alderman at Mansion House +ventures to ask Government if "matters are not really going a little +too far," and is ducked in Thames. All the West-End shops in-wested by +looters. + +_November 4._--Prime Minister declares that "much as he regrets the +depression of trade and want of employment, yet he thinks that on the +whole, recent proceedings have not been quite creditable to Capital +City of Empire." Military called out, and streets cleared in no time. +Ringleaders of mob arrested, and given a year's imprisonment with hard +labour. Trafalgar Square railed round and planted with prickly cactus. +Business resumed and confidence restored. Government begins to think +of a Bill to deal with _real_ London grievances--such as rack-rents, +slum-dwellings, and foreign pauper labour. [_And high time too!_ + + * * * * * + +A CLOUD OF YACHTS.--The account of the British owner published last +week, confirms the notion that the much-talked-of superiority of +the _Thistle_ over the _Volunteer_ was mere vapouring. This is not +surprising. All that could be appropriately expected from such a weed +was smoke! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PARALLELS. No. 3. + +[Illustration: DON CHAMBERLAIN QUIXOTE AND SANCHO JESSE PANZA. + +_Sancho Panza (to himself)._ "I CANNOT HELP IT,--FOLLOW HIM I MUST: +I HAVE EATEN HIS BREAD, I LOVE HIM: ABOVE ALL I AM FAITHFUL."--_Don +Quixote_, Part ii., Book iii., Ch. xxxiii.] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW QUIXOTE. + +_Fragments from a forthcoming Romance of (Political) Chivalry and +(Party) Knight-Errantry._ + + *** + +The age of our gentleman bordered upon fifty years. He was of a strong +constitution, spare-bodied, of a keen, not to say hatchet-like visage, +a very early (and rapid) riser, and a lover of the orchid. + + *** + +His judgment being somewhat obscured, he was seized with one of the +strangest fancies that ever entered the head of any naturally astute +person. This was a belief that it behoved him, as well for the +advancement of his own glory as the service of his country, to become +a knight-errant (though, indeed, there was, perhaps, about him more +of the errant than the knightly), and traverse the northern parts of +Hibernia, armed and mounted, in quest of adventures, redressing every +species of grievance save such as were not found in his own list, or +"programme," which latter, indeed, he would by no means admit to be +"grievances" at all. The poor gentleman imagined himself to be at +least crowned Autocrat of Orangeia by the valour of his arm; and +thus wrapt in these agreeable illusions, and borne away by the +extraordinary pleasure he found in them, he hastened to put his design +into execution. + +The first thing he did was to scour up some rusty armour which had +done service in the time of his great-grandfather, and had lain many +years neglected in a corner. This he cleaned and furbished up as well +as he could, but he found one great defect--it would not in any part +stand one stroke from modern steel, much less one shot from modern +gun. However, as he was rather fired with the yearning to attack than +impressed with the necessity for defence, this deficiency troubled him +but little. + +In the next place he visited his steed, which though but a hobby of +wooden aspect and no paces, yet in his eyes it surpassed any charger +that the Achilles of Hawarden ever bestrode, or the Automedon of Derby +ever handled. Many days was he deliberating upon what name he should +give it; for, as he said to himself, it would be very improper that +a horse so excellent appertaining to a Knight so famous should be +without an appropriate name; he therefore endeavoured to find one that +should express what he had been before he belonged to a knight-errant, +and also what he now was; nothing could, indeed, be more reasonable +than that, when the master changed his state, the horse should +likewise change his name, and assume one pompous and high-sounding, as +became the new order he now professed. Failing in this endeavour, he +called his hobby, provisionally at least, _Ne Plus Ulster_, a name +which if it suggested a sorry joke, was so far fitting that it was +bestowed upon a sorry nag. + + *** + +In the meantime our knight-errant had brought his persuasive powers to +bear upon a humble labourer in the fields which he himself had lately +left, a neighbour of his, some said of his own distant kin, and an +honest man, but somewhat shallow-brained and self-important. In short, +he said so much, used so many arguments, that the poor fellow resolved +to sally out with him, and serve him in the capacity of a Squire. +Among other things, DON QUIXOTE told him that he ought to be very glad +to accompany him, for such an adventure might some time or the other +occur, that, by one stroke, an Island might be won, where it was +within the bounds of possibility that he, the Squire, might one day +become Governor, or at least Viceroy. With this and other promises +SANCHO PANZA (for that was the rustic's name) left his well-beloved +three acres at home, not to name a favourite cow, for a time at least, +and engaged himself as Squire to his ambitious neighbour. + + *** + +Engaged in friendly discourse, they came in sight of eighty-five or +eighty-six windmills; and as DON QUIXOTE espied them he said to +his Squire, "Fortune favours us. Look yonder, friend JESSE--I mean +SANCHO--where thou mayest discover some more than eighty disloyal +giants, and monsters of sedition, whom I intend to encounter and +slay." "What giants?" said SANCHO PANZA. "These thou seest yonder," +answered his master, "with their long and far-reaching arms, for some +are wont to have them of the full length of a league. Fly not, ye +cowards, and vile caitiffs!" he cried, "for it is a single Knight +who assaults ye! Although ye should have more arms than the giant +Briareus, ye shall pay for it!" + + *** + +And the story, so far as it has gone (it is "to be continued"), +leaves DON QUIXOTE making a prodigiously plucky assault upon the +League-limbed "giants," with what result the sequel will show. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TORSION. + +_Irish Waiter (to Bow-legged Traveller in the Coffee-room)._ "BIG +PARDON, SOR. HADN'T YOUR HONOUR BETTER MOVE A LITTLE FURTHER FROM THE +FOIRE?" + +_Traveller (fiercely)._ "EH? WHA' FOR? WHA' D'YE MEAN?!" + +_Irish Waiter._ "OCH SHURE, SOR, YER LEGS IS WARPIN'!--OCH! PHEW! MOST +TURRIBLE!"] + + * * * * * + +TO A LADY DENTIST. + + [It is announced that Ladies are to be enabled to take + diplomas in Dentistry.] + + Lady Dentist, dear thou art, + Thou hast stolen all my heart; + Take too, I shall not repine, + Modest molars such as mine; + Draw them at thine own sweet will; + Pain can come not from thy skill. + + Lady Dentist, fair to see, + Are the forceps held by thee; + Lest those pretty lips should pout, + You may pull my eye-teeth out; + I'm regardless of the pangs, + When thy hand extracts the fangs. + + Lady Dentist, hear me pray + Thou wilt visit me each day; + Welcome is the hand that comes-- + Lightly hovering o'er my gums. + Not a throne, love, could compare + With thine operating chair. + + Lady Dentist, when in sooth + You've extracted every tooth, + Take me toothless to your arms, + For the future will have charms: + Artificial teeth shall be-- + Work for you and joy for me! + + * * * * * + +ALL THE DIFFERENCE.--The Statesmen used to be called "Pillars of the +State." _Pillars!_ They now seem to contribute to its support little +but endless (newspaper) _columns_! + + * * * * * + +THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + +FROM A HOODED EAGLE. + + _H-tf-ld House, Friday._ + +[Illustration:] + +DEAR TOBY, + +After a too brief holiday I am back again to H-tf-ld and to L-nd-n, +and take an early opportunity of dropping you a line. I call the +interval since the House was up a holiday for convenience sake; but +what with the daily arrival of despatch boxes and the delivery of the +morning papers, the repose has been intermittent. I fancy that since +the days of Old PAM the recess has always been a mockery for the +Premier of the day. D-ZZY had some bad times from 1874 to 1880, and +GL-DST-NE'S subsequent Premiership was not a bed of roses, even in the +recess. But they at least had the satisfaction of feeling that they +were in power as well as in office. If they decided upon a particular +line of policy, they could initiate it without first inquiring how it +might suit half-a-dozen people. Moreover, each was in varying degree +supported by capable colleagues, able to hold their own on the +platform or in the House. For unhappy Me things are quite otherwise. +I may devise a policy for Ireland and elsewhere, but before I can +announce it, I must humbly learn how it suits my Lord H-RT-NGT-N and +my good friend CH-MB-RL-N. As for my colleagues and the help I receive +from them----well, that is a matter of which of course I cannot write, +even in the confidence of correspondence with you. But I may tell you +that over at Chalet C-c-l I found some little time for reading other +literature than Blue Books. Looking through SHELLEY once again, I +came upon the line descriptive of COLERIDGE, "flagging wearily through +darkness and despair," + + "A hooded eagle among blinking owls." + +I don't exactly know why, but when I think of some things that have +taken place lately, I have a strong feeling of personal sympathy with +the hooded eagle. + +But this is a trifle melancholy, and will make you think I am in +low spirits, or even that there is truth in the newspaper rumours +of failing health. Nothing of the sort, dear boy; never better in my +life. Full of health and spirits, of hope for the coming time, and +eagerness for the fray of next Session. How I have envied GL-DST-NE +going about the country making speeches which would have been twice as +effective if they had been half as long, receiving the homage of the +masses, and driving in state through the streets of Derby, with his +led Captain, H-RC-RT, on the box-seat of his carriage! What a curious +man is GL-DST-NE, the Elephant of our political life, who can in the +morning crush a Ministry, and in the afternoon achieve a petty economy +by selling waste timber. There has been a good deal written about +NAPOLEON whilst involved in his fatal campaign in Russia occupying +spare moments in drawing up regulations for the Opera House at Paris. +But what is that compared with GL-DST-NE marching through the Midlands +to upset my Government, and, _en route_, drafting an announcement +that timber felled at Hawarden by his own hand would be on sale "at a +uniform charge, viz., 1s., 6d. for a small log, or 3s. per cubic foot, +exclusive of railway carriage." Of course I know that WILLIAM HENRY +has gallantly rushed into the breach, and avowed the authorship of +this remarkable proclamation. But if W. H. is allowed to do this kind +of thing without consultation or authority, all I can say is that +discipline at Hawarden is fatally faulty. Besides, amiable and +engaging as he is, I do not believe that W. H. is equal to the +unassisted concoction of this incomparable production. However it be, +no one but GL-DST-NE could stand the ridicule of the thing, and he +doubtless doesn't feel it. + +How is GR-ND-LPH getting on? Not so well as he used, I fancy. His new +attitude of friendly neutrality does not suit him, and is, moreover, +not nearly so attractive with the people as what I may call his +Malayan manner, when he used to run amuck at everybody, including +myself. It was a very dull speech he made at Sunderland on Thursday. +He must certainly wake up, if he means to keep his old place. Perhaps +he is, like me, getting aweary of the whole thing, and wishes he were +well out of it. If I had my will, I would cut the whole business, and +spend my days and nights in the laboratory here. But that cannot be, +for the present at least. So you will hear from me soon in the midst +of the fray; and, in the meantime, mind you understand that I am in +the best of spirits, confident in the present, and hopeful for the +future. + + Yours, faithfully, S-L-SB-RY. + + * * * * * + +"COLD ID BY DOZE." + +[Illustration] + + I've got such a hoddible cold id by head, + Upod by word, I wish I was dead; + I really thig I shall go to bed, + Ad tallow by doze, as the Doctor said; + He's cubig agaid this afterdood; + Why, it's half-past three, he'll be here sood, + Ad gib me sub bore of his beastly drugs, + Ad tell me to keep warb udder the rugs. + Achoo! Achoo! + Oh! what shall I do? + I've coughed ad sdeezed till I'be dearly blue, + Ad by doze is so sore, + I card blow it bore, + It feels as tedder as if it was raw; + Subbody told be he'd heard of sub stuff + Which you'd odely to sdiff, ad that was eduff; + What did he call it? Alkarab, + I'll sedd for sub--I suppose it's a shab-- + They always are. Achoo! Achoo! + I thig I'be dyig! Oh! what shall I do? + Yes, this is the stuff that fellow said + Was sure to cure a cold id the head; + Two or three sdiffs the beggar swore + Would bake you as well as you were before. + (_He sniffs._) Upod my soul, I believe he's right, + I'be gettig better--it's wonderful quite, + I albost feel as if I bight + Go out and dide at the Club to-dight. + + (_He continueth sniffing._) + + I really will, I feel quite well, + As fresh as a rose, and as sound as a bell, + And I'll always swear that the only balm + For a cold in the head is Alkaram. + "Here, JOHN, put out my evening clothes." + I'll take my grub + To-night at the Club. + Soup, fish, and a bird, with a pint of Larose, + I think that ought to complete the cure, + And make assurance double sure. + Achoo! Hullo! + Why here's a go! + Achoo! Atishoo! Oh dear! Oh dear! + It's all begiddig agaid, I fear; + You card get rid of a cold like bide + By sbellig a bottle of bedicide! + Soup ad fish! it's absurd, + Or to thigk of a bird, + When you card prodoudce a siggle word, + Ad as for Larose, the tipple for be + Is a cup of boilig lidseed tea. + I'll go to bed, + Ad wrap a red + Welsh fladdel baddage roud by head, + Ad stay at hobe for a budth at least, + Till this beastly widd's do logger East. + + _South Kedsigtod._ + + * * * * * + +PRO BONO PUBLICO. + +[Illustration] + +A Mob-Cap was once upon a time a picturesque finish to a pretty face, +and it was of home-manufacture. Now the Mob-Cap is a red abomination, +typical of bloodshed and crime, of foreign make, and is mis-called the +Cap of Liberty, which, properly translated, is the Cap of Licence. It +certainly is not "The Cap of Maintenance," as it is adopted by those +who would disdain work, even if it were offered them. + +Not for the first time has _Mr. Punch_ raised his voice against Street +Processions, which have developed into one of the greatest nuisances +of the present time, destructive of trade, detrimental to every kind +of regular business, and a disgrace to our orderly and respectable +London. All processions in London ought to be prohibited, with the +exception of such State, Civic, or Ecclesiastical processions as may +be deemed essential to the dignity of authority, and which have been, +and still are, a source of real pleasure to the Londoners, who dearly +love a show, when there is due and proper occasion for it. + +If the Salvationist Army processions, with their tambourines, drums, +and inharmonious bands, are permitted on Sunday (which English people +were wont to observe in peace and quietness), then consistently a +Socialist procession must be allowed. And what other processions? +Freemasons, Religious Guilds, Clubs,--why should not the members of +the Reform, the Athenaeum, the Conservative, the National Liberal, +organise processions? Why not the Garrick Club, headed by Mr. HENRY +IRVING and Friend TOOLE, with banners emblazoned with playbills? No. +"Reform it altogether." + +And as to the liberty of out-of-door public meetings. Let Trafalgar +Square be explicitly forbidden to these mischievous anarchists, +of whom the majority are the dupes and tools of firebrand foreign +Communists. Let certain places be allotted to them for "airing their +grievances," and let each of these places be at least four miles +distant from Charing-Cross. Our Parks are the "Lungs of London," and +if these Lungs be congested, the health of London will materially +suffer. How many hundreds are now prevented from entering the Parks by +the fear of King Mob and his rabble rout? Children and nursery-maids +dare not take their recreation in our Parks. Think of that, ye +Privates of the Cavalry and Infantry, and to a man you will be the +first to declare for the freedom of the Parks. Let one of the first +enactments of the next Session be a Bill to Regulate Processions and +Out-of-door Meetings. Let it be a liberal measure--in the true sense +of liberal; that is, showing due consideration for everybody--and let +it come into operation as soon as possible. + + PUNCH + + * * * * * + +KNIGHT THOUGHTS. + +Sir HENRY KNIGHT seems to be of opinion that luxurious living, +Aldermanic and otherwise, must be a good thing for the poor, because +"Money spent in entertainment goes into the pockets of the working +classes." If that is so, Dives, in order to benefit Lazarus, can +hardly do better than go on faring sumptuously every day. And yet +somehow, as a matter of fact, the more Dives feeds the more Lazarus +famishes. How is this, O Knight of the Round (Dinner) Table? + +"Neither luxury, nor anything else," says the philosophical ex-Lord +Mayor, "can be indulged in without purchasing the materials which +contribute to or from which the luxury is obtained." _Argal_, the +more luxury among the rich the more money in the pockets of the poor. +Cheering thought!--for civic _gourmands_ and fashionable fine ladies! +Did not a great financier once suggest that England, which fought +itself into debt, might drink itself out of it? Here seems to be a +chance of eating ourselves out of poverty, of dining ourselves out of +destitution. Are there any real "Unemployed" about? Let those who have +money spend more of it in "entertainments" and the problem is solved +without recourse to Mansion House Funds, Public Works, Eight Hour +Movements, or other schemes philanthropical or revolutionary. + +KNIGHT'S panacea for poverty, this proposal to cure it by +"entertainment," is certainly, in one sense, entertaining. But it is +to be feared that it can hardly be entertained. + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +INVERTED DOMESTIC AND OTHER. + +A GOOD PLAIN MISTRESS WANTED by a competent and highly experienced +Cook. Must be a thorough lady, accustomed to making herself generally +agreeable, and to not prying into household matters which do not +concern her. She will not be expected to visit her own kitchen, +inquire into the amount of her own weekly books, keep the key of +the beer, or object to the occasional visits of members of the local +Police Force, in which the advertiser has several near relatives. A +little dinner on a small scale now and then will not be objected +to, but seeing much company cannot for a moment be entertained. An +unexceptionable character from the three last cooks who have filled +the place, indispensable. Apply, M.B. Eligible Family Supply Agency, +Walker Street, W. + + *** + +TRAVELLING NOBLEMAN WANTED. A Courier who has a slight acquaintance +with the French and German languages, and wishes to air them in the +course of a pleasant and enjoyable little outing, is desirous +of meeting with a well-recommended aristocrat of unquestionable +antecedents, who wishes to visit the leading towns of the Continent +in thoroughly first-class style. The advertiser, who would select the +routes, generally direct the character of the tour, and expect to have +charge of the cheque-book, would stipulate that under no circumstances +should any question be raised on the score of expense. None but +Noblemen of a confiding disposition, that can be vouched for by +testimonials from their near relatives, need apply. Communicate with +A. X., Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W. + + *** + +A REAL GENTLEMAN, who isn't too particular, wanted immediately by a +Coachman, who will, when sober, undertake to drive his carriage and +pair for him anywhere he likes about the Metropolis, and beyond, +without smashing him up. Mustn't be hasty and close over stable +expenses. Any quiet old duffer, who has been accustomed to let things +go their own way without interfering, preferred. Apply to JEHU, +Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W. + + *** + +A LADY OF TITLE WANTED by A COMPANION who would undertake to offer her +Society in consideration of sharing the carriage, home, recreations, +pleasures, friends, and general social _entourage_ of her employer. +As the Advertiser has for some years figured prominently as a garrison +hack, and has been somewhat blown upon in consequence, she will not be +too particular as to the character of the particular "Set" into which +her new surroundings may introduce her; but as she has, by outliving +her income, already run through the little money she possessed, she +will expect a salary of not less than L100 a year, to enable her to +dress up to the false position she has in contemplation to occupy. +No recognised old Dowagers, who live a quiet and retired life, need +answer this Advertisement. No references expected or offered. N. W., +Eligible Family Agency, Walker Street, W. + + *** + +SOFT-HEADED NOBLEMAN OR GENTLEMAN wanted by a shrewd, shifty, pushing, +out-at-elbows Adventurer, desirous of filling the post of Private +Secretary, and so worming himself into an assured position of intimate +family confidence. Would suit a Duke threatened with incipient +paralysis. Apply, DIPLOMATICUS, Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker +Street, W. + + *** + +CHEERFUL AND WILLING MISTRESS WANTED by an Under-Housemaid who wears +a fringe and latest form of Dress-Improver, and considers herself +generally attractive. State number of Men Servants, and furnish +particulars of the sort of society that may be expected down-stairs. +Advertiser will expect to receive her own friends on the afternoons of +not less than three days in each week. Mistress may refer to servants +at present staying in house, who can speak favourably as to her +character. Apply, HILDA, Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, +W. + + *** + +USEFUL AND ACTIVE MISTRESS REQUIRED by a General Servant who will +expect her to do her fair share of the work. Master must clean the +windows and his own boots, and as advertiser is not an early riser, +get up when necessary, and let in the sweeps. Entire Sundays expected +out and no interference with visits of the Marine Store Dealer. +Character Mutual. S. S. S., Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker +Street, W. + + *** + +THE ELIGIBLE FAMILY SUPPLY AGENCY undertake to provide exacting and +particular modern Domestics with thoroughly satisfactory Masters and +Mistresses. + + *** + +THE ELIGIBLE FAMILY SUPPLY AGENCY have at the present moment +applications from several Invalid Gentlemen who require care and +solicitude, and will be glad to hear from Widows with an eye to the +main chance, and "Superior" Housekeepers desirous of getting hold of +an unquestionably good thing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT. + +_Jones (of Hampstead)._ "THIS IS ONE OF OUR CELEBRATED PONDS. YOU'VE +HEARD OF THEM, EH, GRIGSBY?" + +_Grigsby (who has never been to Hampstead before)._ "_HEARD_ OF 'EM? I +SHOULD THINK SO--EVER SINCE I WAS A BOY! WHY, THE _PONDS ASINORUM_, OF +COURSE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE TWO VOICES. + + "That this representative body of Working-men, representing + the _bona fide_ Unemployed Workmen of the East and South-East + of London, beg to place on record their entire want of + sympathy, and their utter condemnation of the recent + conduct which has been made in the name of the + Unemployed."--_Resolution passed at a Meeting of + Representative Workmen, held in Whitechapel, for the purpose + "of considering the present position of the Unemployed + Workmen, and the grave events of last week."_ + + The Unemployed? Well, here I stand, + Have stood for many weary weeks, + With sinking heart and idle hand, + Hunger's white ensign on my cheeks. + I raise no howl + Like yon plump ruffian with the bull-dog jowl; + But the smug swells, with pleasure's honey cloyed, + May see in me the real Unemployed! + + Oh, yes! this hand is used to work, + The hardness has not left its palm. + I'm no black-coated spouting shirk, + Like him upon the tub there. Calm? + By Heaven, I choke! + Could I but fell the gang at one sharp stroke, + Ranters who rail, and roughs who watch for spoil, + 'Twere one good blow in the true cause of Toil. + + How shall I make my poor Voice heard + 'Midst this brute shindy, brainless, mad? + The slime-deeps of the town are stirred, + All that's bloodthirsty, blatant, bad, + Comes, surging up; + And I--ah! I hang back and drain the cup + Of bitter want in silence, blent with shame + At this base smirching of a Man's good name. + + And then the cynic cacklers crow + In their snug cushions; crow and cry: + "Oh, the whole thing's a farce, you know. + The old sham play of Poverty, + Pushed just once more + Upon the public boards. An awful bore!" + So (whilst we starve) the well-fed idlers scoff + At the spoilt tragedy, and cry, "Off! Off!" + + Ah! the sleek fops should take a turn + At the long, weary foot-sore tramp, + In search of work, till sick hearts burn, + Till the cold flags or footways damp, + Of London seem + The endless mazes of some devilish dream, + And tempting visions haunt the fevered head, + Of the sharp knife-edge or the river's bed. + + Wrong? Oh, of course! Our duty lies, + In dull endurance to the end. + The faces pale, the pleading eyes, + Of wife and children, looks that rend + A fellow's heart, + And make hot curses from his cold lips start, + These should not madden men unto the pitch, + Of _violent_ despair. So preach the rich! + + And yonder yelling fools contrive + To lend some truth to Mammon's text. + The laziest larrikin alive, + With babbling tongue and braid perplext, + Can help do _that_; + Whilst I?--a broken head or beaten hat + Will not so help me in my present state + That I should greatly care to "demonstrate." + + Only if such a Voice as mine + Could penetrate the public ear, + Deafened with all this windy shine, + And muddled 'twixt contempt and fear; + I rather think + I would tell some truths might make the scoffers shrink. + But _I_ compete with yonder wolf-eyed brute? + No; I can easier suffer and stand mute. + + If that's a strong, well-ordered state, + Where tens of thousands like myself, + With willing hands, must starve and wait, + Whilst piles of swiftly growing pelf, + Sweated from toil, + Swell for the lords of capital and soil, + Then--you may rear a city on foul slime, + And build Society on want and crime. + + My Voice! Men will not listen--yet; + And when they open ears at last, + Bludgeon won't cure, nor bayonet. + Meanwhile yon brayer at full blast + Belies my cause, + 'Midst foolish jeers and foolisher applause; + And preachers prose, and statesmen tinker on, + And we--we starve in gold-choked Babylon! + + * * * * * + +"My Nephew, who is very fond of pictures," said Mrs. RAM, "has +just purchased the finest Pot o' Jelly I have ever seen." Can it be +possible that the dear old lady meant Botticelli? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TWO VOICES. + +ONE OF THE REAL "UNEMPLOYED."--"HOW AM I TO MAKE _MY_ VOICE HEARD IN +THIS BLACKGUARD ROW!!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +SCENE--_Trafalgar Square. Several thousand loafers and roughs +discovered asserting right of free speech, free meeting and free +procession. A few hundred genuine artisans out of work standing about +moodily. Lines of Policemen drawn up in reserve look on impassively._ + +_A Lover of Liberty._ As an Englishman, Sir, I'm disgusted--it's +_un-English_, that's what it is, "dragooning" an inoffensive assembly +like this! I _used_ to think freedom of speech and action was the +right of every Briton--but it seems we're to be overawed by the Police +now--confounded impertinence on the part of the Government, I call it! + +[Illustration: "Hooky Walker!" + + "... The Leaders, H. George, _and the man whose name was said + to be_ Walker, put up their coat-collars and sneaked away + under the trees."--_Newspaper Report._ +] + +_An Orator (leaping suddenly on parapet)._ Feller Citizens, are you +_Men_ that you stand by with folded 'ands, while unlimited food and +wealth lays within a stone's throw? I want yer---- + +_Constables (behind)._ Ah, and we want _you_--off you go! + +[_Disappearance of Orator in direction of Police-station._ + +_Lover of Liberty._ Shame! Is a man to be punished for his opinions? +Oh, England, England! + +_Person in Search of Sensation (disappointedly)._ Well, there doesn't +seem much doing,--so far. + +_Squalid Vagabond (recognising_ Stalwart Constable, _whom he has +apparently met before in a professional capacity_). 'Ow _are_ yer, +pretty bobbish? + +[_Nods to show he bears no malice._ + +_Stalwart C. (good-humouredly)._ I'm much as usual, thankee. + +_Companion Constable (to S. C.)._ Well, you _do_ know some rough 'uns, +I must say! + +_Stalwart C._ Go on--that gentleman's a West-Ender. + +_Professional "Hook" (to line of Policemen)._ So _you_'re 'ere, are +you? Well, me and my pal must take _our_ little prominade some hother +arternoon, that's all! + +_Sympathiser (to Loafer)._ And so you've actually been out of +employment since last January? Monstrous! The Government ought to find +you work! + +_Loafer._ Jes' what _I_ say, Guv'nor. Let 'em gimme work, and I'll +_do_ it fast enough. _I_ don't want ter be idle. I ain't on'y my one +trade to earn my bread by--but I'll work at that, if I'm let! + +_Sympathiser._ Exactly, my poor fellow, and what _is_ your trade? + +_Loafer._ Why, I'm a skate-fastener, I am; puts on parties' skates for +'em,--and 'ere I am--not 'ad a job for months! + +_Truculent Ruffian (to Quiet Observer)._ Hunimployed? + +_Quiet Obs._ Yes--at present. + +_T. R._ Too many o' them bloomin' Coppers about, to _my_ mind--I'd +like to slug the lot--they're the ruin of _our_ bisness! + +_Quiet Obs._ Ah, you're right _there_! + +_Demagogue (to Police Sergeant)._ Now, don't you interfere--that's +all _I_ ask. _I'll_ speak to them--I have them thoroughly in hand +just now, but, if you offer them the least opposition, I--(_with much +solemnity_) well, I won't be responsible for what happens. (_He is +allowed to address the multitude._) Friends, you are met here in this +peaceful but imposing manner in the teeth of a brutal and overbearing +Constabulary, to show the bloated Capitalists, who are now trembling +behind their tills, that we mean to be taken seriously! Yes, in our +squalor and our rags---- + +[_Throws open frock-coat, and displays thick gold watch-chain._ + +_Mob._ Yah, pitch us over yer red slang! take orf that ere nobby coat! +Harristocrat! Yah! + +_Dem. (complacently)._ It is true that I myself am not in absolute +destitution.--But what of that, my friends? Can I not _feel_---- + +[_Here a turnip strikes him in the eye. Yells of "Down with him!" +"Duck him!" "Spy!" "Traitor!" Mob pulls him down and attempts to take +him to pieces._ + +_Dem. (faintly)._ Here, hi, Policemen, help! Why the devil don't you +use your staves? [_Is rescued and assisted home by Police._ + +_A Rough (to Policeman)._ Keep moving? ah, _I'll_ move! [_Kicks him on +the knee-cap. Policeman draws truncheon and hits back._ + +_Crowd (indignantly)._ Boo! Coward! Strikin' a unarmed man--down with +'im! [_They beat brutal Constable to a jelly._ + +_The Truculent Ruffian (to Quiet Obs.)_ Are you game for a merry ole +lark? + +_Quiet Obs._ You _try_ me--that's all! + +_T. R._ Then, as them cowards of cops 'ave as much on their 'ands as +they kin do with, now's the time for a bit of a loot! Pass the word to +them mates o' yourn--"Pall Mall and no tyranny!" + +_Quiet Obs._ I've done it--they're only waiting for _you._ + +_T. R. (suddenly producing red handkerchief)._ There--_now_, boys! +"Remember Mitchelstown and no brutal perlice!" Foller me! + +_Quiet Obs. (arresting him)._ No, you'll follow us, please--you won't +do no good kicking, all right, mates, we've got him. + +_T. R._ Oh, please, I didn't know you was a Policeman, Sir, or I +shouldn't ha' spoke! Strike me dead I was on'y in fun! (_Whimpers._) +And I've a good ole mother at 'ome, Sir. + +_The Person in Search of Sensation._ What, another arrest? and simply +for showing a red handkerchief! I shall write and describe these +atrocities. How abominably these police are behaving--actually +defending themselves, the blackguards! + +[_A Policeman accidentally lifts his arm, whereupon about fifty youths +scurry like rabbits; in the rush, the Person in search of Sensation +is hustled and slightly trampled on. He becomes annoyed, and hits out +right and left--eventually striking a Constable in his excitement._ + +_Const. (who has been without sleep for the last two days and has just +had his cheek laid open by a stone)._ 'Ere, you come along with me, +you're one of the wust, you are! + +_The Person._ But I assure you, I just came to see what there was to +be seen! + +_Const._ Well, you come along with me, and you'll see a Magistrit +presently. + +[The Person _resists; struggle; arrival of reinforcements; exit party, +in "frog's-marching" order, conveying him to fresh sensations._ + +_The Lover of Liberty (emerging from crush)._ My hat ruined, my coat +split down the back, and my watch gone! I _told_ the crowd I was with +them heart and soul--and they hit me in the stomach! What do we keep +our police _for_, I want to know? + +_Professional (emerging in opposite direction)._ Three red clocks, two +pusses, and a white slang, I ain't done so dusty! 'Ooray for the right +o' Free Meetin', _I_ sez! + +_Genuine Unemployed (wearily)._ Well, I dunno as I see what good all +this 'ere is a goin' to do _hus_! [_And no more does Mr. Punch._ + + * * * * * + +FROM MR. HENRY IRVING'S NOTE-BOOK. + +(_Published without permission._) + +_Stratford-on-Avon, October 18._--Speech at the Opening-of-Fountain +ceremony went very well. Some distinguished Americans were not there, +notably Mr. ABBEY. In consequence, had to omit all reference to "Abbey +Thought" and "Fountains Abbey," which, as J. L. T. suggested in his +letter, would have lightened the entertainment considerably. Also very +annoying, but I never thought of it till too late; I quite forgot to +say anything about BUFFALO BILL. CODY will be hurt; but I shall be in +America before he gets back there, so it doesn't much matter. Yet it +was a chance lost. WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, WILLIAM CODY, Buffalo BILL, +Swan SHAKSPEARE. No matter, keep it for another time. And at the last +moment I could not make out what I had written on my wristband as a +mem. for speech. It was _a propos_ of Mr. CHILD'S gift. I see now +it was something about "Child's the father to the man." And then an +allusion to the sympathy between America and England as not being mere +"Child's-play." Very odd, how I forgot that. Still, speech couldn't +have gone better. + +And how on earth I omitted to make any mention of Miss MARY ANDERSON I +can't understand! Yet the fact that this fair American is now playing +at the Lyceum ought to have stuck in my memory which yet holds its +seat in this distracted brain. And, dear me, there was the American +Minister present, and yet--bother it!--it never occurred to me, till +I was dressing this evening, hours afterwards, that I ought to have +remarked on the fact that America was represented here on this special +Dramatic occasion by a gentleman bearing a name so honoured alike by +English and American actors, and so dear to the theatrical profession +as must always be that of "PHELPS." But this will keep, too, for +another time. And, after all, in spite of these omissions, which of +course nobody noticed, the speech went admirably. + + * * * * * + +Nottingham v. Sunderland. + + "There's _no_ Liberal Party!" cries GRANDOLPH the bold. + "Hooray!" shout the Tories, "the straightest of shots!" + But the faithful who flock to the G. O. M.'s fold. + Say, "Our old party bonds are re-tied now--in _Notts_!" + + * * * * * + +THE AXE PREMIER'S AUCTION. + +[Illustration: _Auctioneer._ "FINE CHIPS OF THE OLD BLOCK, GENTLEMEN! +SPLENDID SPECIMENS OF THE HAWARDEN TIMBER, IN THE SALE OF WHICH, +GENTLEMEN, I ASSURE YOU, I HAVE 'NO INTEREST WHATEVER.'" ("_Hear! +hear!_") "NOW, GENTLEMEN, HOW MUCH SHALL WE SAY FOR THIS CHIP, WHICH I +LOPPED OFF WHEN I WAS LEAVING HAWARDEN--WHEN I WAS 'CUTTING MY STICK,' +IN FACT." (_Laughter._) "WHO BIDS FOR THIS? DON'T BE ALL FAGOT-VOTING +AT ONCE!" (_Laughter and Cheers._) "NOW THEN,--FIFTEEN SHILLINGS, TEN +SHILLINGS, SEVEN, FIVE, EIGHTEENPENCE,--ANY ADVANCE ON EIGHTEENPENCE? +GOING! GOING! GOING! GONE! GONE FOR EIGHTEENPENCE, AND CHIP AT THE +PRICE!" [_Auction Continues._] + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR THE UNEMPLOYED. + +SIR,--Excellent as is the suggestion of your Correspondent, "ONE WHO +WOULD ELEVATE THEM," that the Unemployed should be forthwith put into +the hands of some competent Ballet-Master, and after a proper course +of instruction, despatched to all the Board Schools in England for +the purpose of teaching every pupil who has passed the Sixth Standard, +dancing and deportment, yet I do not think he goes far enough. +Why stop at this comparatively subordinate art? Why not make them +musicians, teach them to play WAGNER, and despatch them straightway +through the length and breadth of the land as enthusiastic Apostles of +the great Master? What a glorious prospect to turn the three or four +thousand idle loafers who have lately been hulking about Trafalgar +Square for the purpose of breaking the peace, into a mighty army of +skilled fiddlers eager to wake the glad strains of the spirit-stirring +Music of the Future in every quiet village green through the three +Kingdoms. And the accomplishment of such a task need not be set aside +as the wild vision of some hopeless dreamer. I am convinced, Sir, that +if the authorities of the Royal College and Guildhall School of +Music, but set their shoulders to the wheel, the thing will soon be an +accomplished fact. Such, Sir, at all events, is the opinion of one who +believes firmly in + + "THE SOUL OF THE MASSES." + +SIR,--Why not paint the whole of London, public buildings and +all?--I'm sure they want it. The latter might be done in different +colours. St. Paul's, for instance, might be orange, Westminster Abbey +pea-green, and the Houses of Parliament a bright blue. If the effect +were found unsatisfactory, fresh colours could be tried, until +something were hit upon that should be considered suitable. This +would afford the additional advantage of providing fresh work for the +Unemployed. I don't see what else can be done. Everybody can use a +brush, and with a couple, or say, three coats all over the Metropolis, +there would be plenty to occupy everybody for the next six months. +As to expense, an extra 15s. tacked on to the rates would soon settle +that, and I'll be bound there's many a householder willing to face +that trifling alternative, together with + + Yours, practically, one who takes + "THE BULL BY THE HORNS." + +SIR,--I cannot but think that, if BUFFALO BILL were to introduce +the "Unemployed" into his Show, he would score a big success. The +introduction might take the shape of a contest between the "Wild East" +and the "Wild West." The former might be armed with brickbats and +park-railings, and the latter with their usual weapons; and, were it +known that a little genuine blood would be drawn in the entertainment, +it might be safely counted on to draw all London. I throw out the +suggestion for what it is worth. + + Your obedient servant, + "A COMMERCIAL WELL-WISHER." + +SIR,--As at the present season of the year nothing is more common than +to find the stalls of most of the leading West-End theatres empty, a +fact which has a very chilling effect on the efforts of the players, +why not fill the empty places with the so-called "Unemployed"? A warm +bath, a suit of evening clothes, clean shirt, and white tie would +instantly fit the veriest outcast that has recently come into +collision with the police in Hyde Park or elsewhere, at least +outwardly, for the social atmosphere of the place. A central committee +might at once be inaugurated for the supply of these necessary +preliminaries for admission, and a thousand or two excellent +substitutes for the ordinary _habitues_ forthwith launched nightly +among what is at the present moment left of the fashionable play-going +world in the Metropolis. The advantage would cut both ways. Not only +would the Management be blessed by the appearance of a perfectly +full house, but the loafers, professional thieves, and ruffians who +produced it would, no doubt, endeavour to play up to their clothes and +surroundings, and, on receipt of a small retaining-fee of 3s. 6d. a +head for their attendance, be proportionately softened and civilised +by the process. This, Sir, seems to me a very legitimate, humane, and +philosophical method of dealing with the present crisis, and as such I +trust it will as powerfully recommend itself to your readers as it has +to + + Yours thoughtfully, + "A PLEASURE-SEEKING SOCIALIST." + +SIR,--What are the authorities about that they do not at once embank +the river on both sides up to Richmond, and span it with five bridges +between this and Gravesend? Then there's the whole of Piccadilly +to come down and be rebuilt with the road properly levelled, to +say nothing of a great Central Terminus in Soho Square uniting the +Midland, North and Great Western, Great Northern with the Great +Eastern, and all the Great Southern lines. Add to this, that the +entire gas-piping of the Metropolis ought to come up bodily, and make +way for the installation of the Electric Light, to say nothing of the +fixing in all the leading thoroughfares of overhead railways on the +New York principle, and you have enough work at least to begin upon +and meet the present crisis. Let the Board of Works and the various +Vestries set to work at once, and as soon as Parliament assembles +let it be asked to vote Five-hundred Millions towards preliminary +expenses. This, Sir, is, I am convinced, the only reasonable and +efficient way of dealing with the present unsatisfactory aspect of the +labour question. Such is the opinion of + + Yours energetically, + "A ROUSED ALARMIST." + +SIR,--When the Police have fairly and effectually cleared off the +loafers, not-do-a-stroke-of-work gentry, and the sedition-mongers, +then we can turn our attention to the wants of the genuine Unemployed. +Their case is by no means beyond us. It only needs the active and +intelligent co-operation among the administrators of charitable funds +and agencies, the Poor-Law Authorities, employers of labour, and +others, to give immediate and practical effect to the wide-spread +sympathy felt for them by all classes of their more fortunate +fellow-countrymen, including your quite sober-minded and +charitably-disposed Correspondent, + + "COMMON SENSE." + + * * * * * + +DERBY AND GLADSTONE. + +(_A Speech summarised in a Stanza._) + +AIR--"_Darby and Joan._" + + DERBY, dear, I am old and grey, + Fifty-five years since my opening day, + "Ins" and "Outs" are for every one + As the world goes round. + Derby, dear, I must fain admit + I've altered my mind, just a little bit. + But I learnt freedom's lesson in Forty-five, + And I mean to be true to it whilst I'm alive. + Always the same, + Derby, my own, + Always the same + Is your old GLADSTONE! + + * * * * * + +THE ACTOR'S PROGRESS. + +Within the last half-century, the education of actors has advanced in +an extraordinary degree, inasmuch as some have been known to take +a degree, or try to, at the University. Therefore the following +advertisement in the _Era_ will probably cause little surprise:-- + + WANTED, for La Comedie Anglaise, a Light Comedian, for a few + Weeks, while a Member of the Company returns to Oxford to take + his degree. Must be a gentleman. Address, &c. + +This gentleman, to use the language of the _Era_, seems inclined to +"combine leading business with general utility." It is to be hoped he +will get his degree, and return to be an ornament to the stage. But if +this kind of thing goes on, we shall probably eventually see announced +in our theatrical contemporary--"Senior Wrangler and Light Comedian +open to engagement in first-class Company." + + * * * * * + +"THE REVERSIBLE PEN-CLEANER," recently invented by DE LA RUE & CO., +will be most useful to Leader-writers, Politicians, Journalists, and +everybody in the habit of using "reversible pens," or pens that can +write equally well on both sides. Such pens must occasionally require +cleaning; and to be cleaned in this pad they must remain upright. + + *** + +"A WINTER'S TALE."--That of poverty and distress, which we must do our +best to relieve. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MIDDLE AGE. + +"YOU'RE GETTING LONG-SIGHTED, DEAREST. YOU'LL HAVE TO WEAR GLASSES." + +"STUFF AND NONSENSE! IT'S NOT MY SIGHT THAT'S LONG--IT'S MY ARMS THAT +AREN'T LONG _ENOUGH_!"] + + * * * * * + +EUTHANASIA.--In a certain Western newspaper we read the following +startling announcement, in relation to the decease of a certain lady +whose obituary notice appears in its columns:-- + + "More or less an invalid for a considerable time past, + latterly she has been under the care of Mr. ---- and Mr. ----, + and her death was not therefore altogether unexpected." + +What a lift for the two Medicos mentioned! They, no doubt, are now +blessing that Western Editor for inserting this gratuitous tribute +to their curative skill. Their motto for the future should +be--"_Removals_ conducted with punctuality and dispatch." + + * * * * * + +STUDIES FROM MR. PUNCH'S STUDIO. + +NO. XXX.--MR. ALDERMAN SLOCOACH. + +[Illustration] + +What a strange, unreal, almost incomprehensible life must that of +a City Alderman be at the present time. Regarded in the light of +centuries ago, it all seems in accordance with the fitness of things, +and neither ludicrous nor out of place. But now, in these days of +earnestness and common sense, what a great sham it seems to the merely +superficial observer, and yet, however great an anomaly it may appear, +when tested by results it seems to work fairly well. + +Suppose we take Mr. Alderman SLOCOACH as an example. He was taken from +his warehouse, some years ago, and made an Alderman by the votes +of some three or four hundred of the rate-payers of his Ward, the +majority of whom knew little or nothing about him, and probably +cared less, and in a week or two, he found himself seated on the +Magistrate's Bench at Guildhall, to declare the Law, of which he +literally knew nothing, and to administer Justice under circumstances +so apparently absurd as to be hardly credible. Being probably a +conscientious man, and knowing his utter ignorance of the duties +that his position demanded of him, what was he to do? What he did was +probably the best he could do under the circumstances, and thinking, +as he told an old friend with whom he conversed on the matter, that it +was better, as err he must, to err on the side of mercy, he made it a +point always to consult the Clerk of the Court, and whatever amount of +punishment he advised him to inflict, he generally halved it. + +Having long since got thoroughly accustomed to the whole matter, and +having acquired a certain amount of dignity of demeanour, he is able +to go through the wondrous ceremony with comparative ease, but is +still greatly troubled with certain qualms of conscience in certain +special cases. For instance, when fining a poor working-man five +shillings for drunkenness,--he having met an old friend and been +persuaded to take more than was good for him,--and that amount +probably constituting a full day's income, his thoughts will revert +to that particularly jovial banquet with his worshipful Company +the previous evening, and whether some one or two of the guests not +sufficiently seasoned to these matters, were not quite as guilty as +the poor workman he had just fined, and how they would like to have to +pay a day's income for this folly, amounting in one case to probably +L100! and yet possibly the workman had the better excuse of the two! +And then, again, there is that very awkward and puzzling question, +that so troubles some of his more conscientious brethren as well as +himself, that of punishment for gambling. When inflicting some of +those very heavy fines and penalties, which he is told it is his +bounden duty to do in the case of betting in public houses, his +thoughts must revert to those two most intimate friends of his who are +regular visitors at TATTERSALL'S in the height of the racing season; +and also to the fact that he himself, as his stock-broker well knows, +after leaving the Bench, occasionally wends his way to Capel Court, +and buys or sells for the account to very very large amounts; and, +though he probably tries his best, as others do, to convince himself +that there is no doubt a very great difference between the cases +of Mr. BUNG and Mr. TATTERSALL, and between playing cards for +half-crowns, and buying or selling L50,000 Consols for the account, it +was not until his conscience had lost its natural elasticity that he +succeeded, and, even now its twinges are, occasionally, very sharp. + +When Alderman SLOCOACH was first elected to his high position, his +great delight was to attend at the Old Bailey, and occupy a seat on +the judicial Bench, and enjoy the supreme satisfaction of feeling +that, without his absolutely useless presence, the whole proceedings +must necessarily come to a stand-still, and fond memory still looks +back to the occasion on which one of Her MAJESTY'S Judges actually +said to him, in quite a friendly manner, "Shall _we_ say twelve +or fifteen months, Alderman?" On the other hand, he will probably +remember, to his dying day, the look of mingled anger and contempt +with which he was received by another of Her MAJESTY'S Judges, of +rather irascible temper, when he rushed breathless into Court, having, +by his absence, delayed the proceedings for more than an hour. + +Naturally, the one particular event to which an Alderman looks forward +with the most especial anticipations of honour and renown, is the +year of his Mayoralty, when he will have his otherwise humble name +associated with those of the famous men who, in very different times +to those in which we live, ruled the great City, with courage and +discretion. + +Much, however, depends upon the public events of his year of office, +as to its importance, or want of it, to himself personally, and Mr. +Alderman SLOCOACH was not particularly fortunate in that respect. +There was no European Monarch on a visit to this country, whom the +Corporation was requested by the Government to honour, with the +customary satisfactory result to the Lord Mayor of the day; there was +no public ceremonial of unusual importance that required the brilliant +surroundings of Civic pomp to give it full _eclat_, and as his year of +office approached its termination, his solemn look became more solemn, +and his hopes evidently grew fainter and fainter. But fortune was kind +to him, and a change of Government, which made it desirable to gain +the City's sweet voices, brought him the coveted honour. + +Like most of his colleagues who have what is technically called +"passed the Chair," he takes things very coolly, probably thinking +that nothing remains to be done after having passed through such an +ordeal. But there is one especial duty still left for Aldermen to +perform from which he is seldom absent. They have been deprived of +their control over prisons, and of their government of the Royal +Hospitals, their control of the Police is almost nominal, but they +still have charge of City Lunatics, and it is said that Alderman +SLOCOACH is seldom absent from the official visits to them, when the +reciprocity of feeling manifested between the poor patients and their +visitor is described as quite touching. He is also often seen at City +Banquets, and is always quite ready to return thanks for what he calls +the Grand Old Corporation, and repeats with painful iteration the old +bit of twaddle about the infallibility of Aldermanic judgments and +the increasing popularity of their order; but he is wonderfully +good-natured, devotes a great deal of time to the gratuitous +performance of public duties, assists very efficiently in brightening +up many an otherwise dull scene with the brilliancy of his handsome +scarlet robe, and would, with his worshipful Brethren, be much missed +if deprived of those civic functions that have been performed by them, +and such as they, for many centuries past, and which entitle them in +all respects to the esteem of their fellow citizens as a trustworthy, +sober and honourable body of men. + + * * * * * + +IMPERIAL INSTITUTORS. + +Sir F. ABEL, the organising Secretary of the Imperial Institute, +recently issued a very agreeable and pleasing memorandum to the +Chairmen of Provincial Committees and others who have assumed an +active part in support of the undertaking. After describing the +"large measure of success" that has attended the efforts of the local +Committees throughout the country, Sir FREDERICK goes on to say that +a "considerable number" of them have "signified their willingness +to prolong their operations with the especial object of obtaining +additions to the 'Endowment Fund' of the Institute which is about to +be created." This is but natural. Taking into consideration the fact +that in many quarters a handsome subscription to the funds of the +Institute has been regarded as a sure passport to honour, and that +the non-distribution of titles right and left among a lot of +small provincial celebrities has already occasioned a good deal of +heartburning and disappointment, this new lease of life, affording +them, as it does, a fresh opportunity of struggling for their +much-coveted prize, cannot but be hailed by the yet unsatisfied +"Chairmen of Provincial Committees and others" with genuine joy and +thankfulness. + +That plain Mr. JOHN BOPKINS, or Mr. PETER PICKLETUB, Mayor, should +suddenly blossom out into Sir JOHN BOPKINS, and, possibly, Sir PETER +PICKLETUB, Bart., would only seem to those indefatigable gentlemen an +appropriate finish to their labours in furtherance of the interests +of the Institute. Their readiness, therefore, to prolong their +operations, as it may be measured by the fact that it will have the +special object not only of "procuring additions" to the Endowment +Fund, but also of tacking them on to their own names, is likely to +be both hearty and enthusiastic. Whether anything will come of their +hopeful perseverance, remains to be seen; but it is tolerably certain +that if some sort of bureau for the sale of decorations, after the +latest French model, could be instituted on this side of the Channel, +there would be no lack of clients ready to besiege it. But----we +manage these things much better in England. + + * * * * * + +When the Deputation waited on him, Mr. MATTHEWS was the "Not-at-Home +Secretary." Quite right too. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +A small number of minor typographical errors have been corrected. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, October 29, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, OCT 29, 1887 *** + +***** This file should be named 37125.txt or 37125.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/1/2/37125/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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