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diff --git a/37111.txt b/37111.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5199b9c --- /dev/null +++ b/37111.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3542 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Zankiwank and The Bletherwitch, by +S. J. Adair Fitzgerald + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Zankiwank and The Bletherwitch + An Original Fantastic Fairy Extravaganza + +Author: S. J. Adair Fitzgerald + +Illustrator: Arthur Rackham + +Release Date: August 17, 2011 [EBook #37111] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ZANKIWANK AND THE BLETHERWITCH *** + + + + +Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + [Illustration: The Zankiwank & The Bletherwitch] + + + + The Zankiwank + and + The Bletherwitch + + An Original Fantastic Fairy Extravaganza + + + + "_Imagination is always the ruling and divine power, + and the rest of the man is only the instrument which + it sounds, or the tablet on which it writes._" + JOHN RUSKIN. + + + + [Illustration] + + + + THE ZANKIWANK & THE BLETHERWITCH + + BY S.J. ADAIR FITZGERALD + + WITH PICTURES BY ARTHUR RACKHAM + + [Illustration] + + LONDON J.M. DENT & Co. + ALDINE HOUSE E.C. 1896 + + + + _All Rights Reserved_ + + + + To + MY BLANCHE + + I AFFECTIONATELY INSCRIBE + THIS LITTLE BOOK + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PART I + A TRIP TO FABLE LAND 1 + + PART II + THE FAIRIES' FEATHER AND FLOWER LAND 33 + + PART III + A VISIT TO SHADOW LAND 91 + + PART IV + THE LAND OF TOPSY TURVEY 119 + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + + PAGE + + EVERYBODY MADE A RUSH FOR THE TRAIN _Frontispiece_ + + THE ZANKIWANK AND THE BLETHERWITCH _Title Page_ + + THE JACKARANDAJAM 5 + + MR SWINGLEBINKS 7 + + THEY WERE RUN INTO BY A DEMON ON A BICYCLE 17 + + BIRDS, BEASTS AND FISHES WERE HURRYING BY IN CONFUSING MASSES 19 + + THE FROGS ... PLAYING "KISS IN THE RING" 24 + + THEY WERE GLUED TO THE EARTH 27 + + THE ELFIN ORCHESTRA 37 + + I HAVE DISPATCHED THE JACKARANDAJAM AND MR SWINGLEBINKS IN A + FOUR-WHEELED CAB 41 + + A COMPANY OF FAIRIES ... LEAPT FROM THE PETALS OF THE FLOWERS 45 + + THE SLY JACKDAWS AND THE RAVENS ... EVIDENTLY PLOTTING MISCHIEF 51 + + ONE OF THE PRETTIEST DANCES YOU EVER SAW 55 + + TITANIA ARRIVED ... WITH A FULL TRAIN OF FAIRIES AND ELVES 61 + + WILLIE PINCHED HIS EXCEEDINGLY THIN LEGS, MAKING HIM JUMP + AS HIGH AS AN APRIL RAINBOW 64 + + PEASEBLOSSOM AND MUSTARD SEED 71 + + QUEEN TITANIA AND HER COURT OF FAIRIES WERE EATING PUDDINGS + AND PIES 75 + + THE TWO CHILDREN TUMBLED OFF NOTHING INTO A VACANT SPACE 79 + + "KEEP THE POT A-BOILING," BAWLED THE ZANKIWANK 83 + + SO INTO SHADOWLAND THEY TUMBLED 87 + + A WHOLE SCHOOL OF CHILDREN FOLLOWING MADLY IN THEIR WAKE 95 + + THE GOBLINS STARTED OFF ON HORSEBACK 101 + + "THE UNFORTUNATE DOLL" 103 + + THE WINNY WEG WAS DANCING IN A CORNER ALL BY HERSELF 106 + + MAUDE AND WILLIE WERE RECLINING PEACEFULLY ON A GOLDEN COUCH + WITH SILVER CUSHIONS 107 + + A GAME OF LEAP-FROG 108 + + A GREAT RED CAVERN OPENED AND SWALLOWED UP EVERYTHING 117 + + "NOW THEN, MOVE ON!" 123 + + THE WIMBLE AND THE WAMBLE 126 + + JORUMGANDER THE YOUNGER ... APPROACHED THEM WITH A CASE OF PENS 133 + + "WHY, HERE HE IS!" 138 + + THE ZANKIWANK ARGUING WITH THE CLERK OF THE WEATHER AND THE + WEATHER COCK 145 + + TIME WAS MEANT FOR SLAVES 151 + + CHILDREN WITH THE ODDEST HEADS AND FACES EVER SEEN 158, 159 + + IT WAS A SORT OF SKELETON 163 + + THE GRIFFIN AND THE PHOENIX 170 + + THEY SPRANG INTO THE HASH 173 + + DR PAMPLETON 177 + + NO ONE INDIVIDUAL GOT HIS OWN PROPER LIMBS FASTENED TO HIM 183 + + THERE WAS JOHN OPENING THE CARRIAGE DOOR FOR THEM TO GET OUT 187 + + + + +Part I + +A Trip to Fable Land + + + _By the Queen-Moon's mystic light, + By the hush of holy night, + By the woodland deep and green, + By the starlight's silver sheen, + By the zephyr's whispered spell, + Brooding Powers Invisible, + Faerie Court and Elfin Throng, + Unto whom the groves belong, + And by Laws of ancient date, + Found in Scrolls of Faerie Fate, + Stream and fount are dedicate. + Whereso'er your feet to-day + Far from haunts of men may stray, + We adjure you stay no more + Exiles on an alien shore, + But with spells of magic birth + Once again make glad the earth._ + PHILIP DAYRE. + + + + +A Trip to Fable Land + + +"Well," said the Zankiwank as he swallowed another jam tart, "I think we +had better start on our travels at once." + +They were all standing under the clock at Charing Cross Station when the +station was closed and everybody else had departed, except the train +which the Zankiwank had himself chartered. It was all so odd and +strange, and the gathering was so very motley, that if it had been +to-morrow morning instead of last night, Willie and Maude would +certainly have said they had both been dreaming. But, of course, they +were not dreaming because they were wide-awake and dressed. Besides, +they remembered Charing Cross Station quite well, having started +therefrom with their father and mother only last summer when they went +to the sea-side for their holidays--and what jolly times they had on the +sands! So Maude said promptly, "It is not Night-mare or Dreams or +Anything. We don't know what it is, but we must not go to sleep, Willie, +in case anything should happen." + +Willie replied that he did not want to go to sleep any more. "I believe +it's a show," he added, "and somebody's run away with us. How lovely! +I'm glad we are lost. Let us go and ask that tall gentleman, who looks +like the parlour-tongs in a bathing-suit, to give us some more buns." +For, being a boy, he could always eat buns, or an abundance of them, +only I hope you won't tell the nursery governess I told you. + +[Illustration] + +It was the Zankiwank, who was doing some conjuring tricks for the +benefit of the Jackarandajam and Mr Swinglebinks, to whom Willie +referred. The Zankiwank was certainly a very curious person to look at. +He had very long legs, very long arms, and a very small body, a long +neck and a head like a peacock. He was not wearing a bathing suit as +Willie imagined, because there were tails to his jacket, hanging down +almost to his heels. He wore a sash round his waist, and his clothes +were all speckled as though he had been peppered with the colours out of +a very large kaleidoscope. The Jackarandajam was also rather tall and +thin, but dressed in the very height of fashion, with a flower in his +coat and a cigarette in his mouth, which he never smoked because he +never lit it. He was believed by all the others--you shall know who all +the others were presently--to know more things than the Man-in-the-Moon, +because he nearly always said something that nobody else ever thought +of. And the Man-in-the-Moon knows more things than the Old Woman of +Mars. You have naturally heard all about Mars--at least, if you have not +heard all about her, you all have heard about her, which is just the +same thing, only reversed. + + There was an Old Woman of Mars + Who'd constantly say "Bless my stars, + There's the Sun and the Moon + And the Earth in a swoon, + All dying for par-tic-u-lars-u-lars! + Of this planet of mine called Mars!" + +Mr Swinglebinks, unlike his two companions, was short, stout, and +dreadfully important. In Fable Land, where we are going as soon as we +start for that happy place, he kept a grocer's shop once upon a time. As +nobody cared a fig for his sugar and currants, however, he retired from +business and took to dates and the making of new almanacks, and was now +travelling about for the benefit of his figures. He was very strong on +arithmetic, and could read, write, and arith-metise before he went to +school, so he never went at all. + +[Illustration] + +While the Zankiwank was talking to his friends an unseen porter rang an +unseen bell, and called out in an unknown tongue:-- + + "Take your seats for Fableland, + Which stands upon a Tableland, + And don't distress the guard. + And when you pass the Cableland + Say nothing to the Gableland + Because it hurts the guard." + +"We must put that porter back in the bottle," said the Jackarandajam, +"we shall want some bottled porter to drink on the road." + +"Well," said Maude, "what a ridiculous thing to say. We don't bottle +railway porters, I am sure." + +"I wish the Bletherwitch would come," exclaimed the Zankiwank, "we shall +miss the next train. She is most provoking. She promised to be here +three weeks ago, and we have been waiting ever since." + +This astounding statement quite disturbed Willie, who almost swallowed a +bun in his excitement. Had he and Maude been waiting there three weeks +as well? What would they think at home? You see Maude and Willie, who +were brother and sister, had been on a visit to their grandmama; and on +their way home they had fallen asleep in the carriage, after having +repeated to each other all the wonderful fairy tales their grandmama +had related to them. How long they had slept they could not guess, but +when they woke up, instead of finding themselves at home in St George's +Square, they discovered that they were at Charing Cross Station. Mary, +their nurse, had disappeared, so had John the coachman, and it was the +Zankiwank who had opened the door and assisted them to alight, saying at +the same time most politely-- + +"I assist you to alight, because it is so dark." + +Then he gave them buns and chocolates, icecreams, apples, pears, shrimps +and cranberry tarts. So it stands to reason that after such a mixture +they were rather perplexed. However, they did not seem very much +distressed, and as they were both fond of adventures, especially in +books, they were quite content to accept the Zankiwank's offer to take +them for a ride in the midnight-express to Fable Land, over which, as +everybody knows, King AEsop reigns. Maudie was nine and a half and Willie +was eight and a quarter. Very nice ages indeed, unless you happen to be +younger or older, and then your own age is nicer still. + +"I think," said the Zankiwank, "that we will start without the +Bletherwitch. She knows the way and can take a balloon." + +"If she takes a balloon she will lose it. You had better let the balloon +take her," exclaimed the Jackarandajam severely. + +"Take your places! Take your places!" cried the unseen porter. So +everybody made a rush for the train, and they all entered a Pullman Car +and sat down on the seats. + +"Dear me! How very incorrectly that porter speaks. He means, of course, +that the seats should take, or receive us." + +The Zankiwank only smiled, while Mr Swinglebinks commenced counting up +to a hundred, but as he lost one, he could only count up to +ninety-nine--so, to keep his arithmetic going, he subtracted a +time-piece from his neighbour's pocket, multiplied his foot-warmers, and +divided his attention between the Wimble and the Wamble, who were both +of the party, being left-handed and deaf. + +Maudie and Willie took their places in the car with all the other +passengers amid a perfect babel of chattering and laughing and crying, +and then, as the train began to slowly move out of the station, the +Zankiwank solemnly sang the following serious song:-- + + +OFF TO FABLE LAND. + + The midnight train departs at three, + To Fable Land we go, + For this express is nothing less + Than a steamer, don't you know! + We're sailing now upon the Thames, + All in a penny boat, + And we soon shall change for a mountain range, + In the atmosphere to float! + + So off we go to Fable Land-- + (Speak kindly to the guard!) + Which many think a Babel-land, + But this you disregard. + You'll find it is a Stable-land, + With stables in the yard-- + A possible, probable, Able-land, + So do not vex the guard! + + We've left behind us Charing Cross, + And all the town in bed; + For it is plain, though in this train, + We're standing on our head! + We're riding now in Bedfordshire, + Which is the Land of Nod; + And yet in the sky we are flying high, + Which seems extremely odd! + + So off we go to Fable Land-- + (Speak kindly to the guard!) + Which many think a Babel-land, + But this you disregard. + You'll find it is a Stable-land, + With stables in the yard-- + A possible, probable, Able-land, + So do not vex the guard! + +Maudie and Willie found themselves joining lustily in the chorus when +the Zankiwank pulled the cord communicating with the guard, and, +opening the window, climbed out on to the top of the carriage calling +all the time:-- + + "Guard! Guard! Guard! + Don't go so hard, + Just give the brake a hitch! + To Charing Cross return-- + Nay, do not look so stern-- + For I would not tell a cram, + I must send a telegram, + To my darling little Bletherwitch." + +So the guard turned the train round, and they went back to Charing Cross +as quick as lightning. + +"It's my fault," moaned the Jackarandajam, "I ought to have reminded +you. Never mind, we will put on another engine." + +So the Zankiwank got out and sent a telegram to the Bletherwitch, and +desired her to follow on in a balloon. + +Again they started, and everybody settled down until the train reached +the British Channel, when it dived through a tunnel into an uninhabited +country, where the post-office clerk popped his head into the carriage +window and handed in a telegram. + + "_From the Bletherwitch, + To the Zankiwank._ + + Don't wait tea. Gone to the Dentists." + +"Extremely thoughtful," exclaimed everybody. But the Zankiwank wept, and +explained to the sympathetic Maude that he was engaged to be married to +the Bletherwitch, and he had been waiting for her for fourteen years. +"Such a charming creature. I will introduce you when she comes. Fancy, +she is only two feet one inch and one third high. Such a suitable height +for a bride." + +"What," expostulated Willie and Maude together, "she's no bigger than +our baby! And you are quite----" + +"Eight feet and one half of an inch." + +"How disproportionate! It seems to me to be a most unequal match," +answered Maude. "What does her mother say?" + +"Oh, she hasn't got any mother, you know. That would not do. She has +been asleep for two thousand years, and has only just woke up to the +fact that I am her destiny." + +"She is only joking," declared Maude. "Two thousand years! She _must_ be +joking!" + +"No," replied the Zankiwank somewhat sadly, "she is not joking. She +never jokes. She is of Scottish descent," he added reflectively. "I hope +she will keep her appointment. I am afraid she is rather giddy!----" + +"Giddy! Well, if she has waited two thousand years before making up her +mind to go to the dentists she must be giddy. I am afraid you are not +speaking the truth." + +Before any reply could be given the Guard came to the window and said +they would have to go back to Charing Cross again as he forgot to pay +his rent, and he always paid his rent on Monday. + +"But this is _not_ Monday," said Willie. "Yesterday was Monday. To-day +is to-morrow you know, therefore it is Tuesday. Pay your landlady double +next Monday and that will do just as well." + +The Guard hesitated. + +"Don't vex the Guard," they all said in chorus. + +"I am not vexed," said the Guard, touching his hat. "Do you think it +would be right to pay double? You see my landlady is single. She might +not like it." + +"Write 'I. O. U.' on a post-card and send it to her. It will do just as +well, if not better," suggested Mr Swinglebinks. + +So the Guard sent the post-card; but in his agitation he told the +engineer driver to go straight ahead instead of round the corner. The +consequence was that they were run into by a Demon on a bicycle, and +thrown out of the train down a coal mine. Luckily there were no coals in +the mine so it did not matter, and they went boldly forward--that is to +say, Willie and Maude did, and knocked at the front door of a handsome +house that suddenly appeared before them. + +[Illustration] + +Nobody opened the door, so they walked in. They looked behind them, but +could not see the Zankiwank or any of the passengers in the train; +therefore, not knowing what else to do, they went upstairs. They +appeared to be walking up stairs for hours without coming to a landing +or meeting with anyone, and the interminable steps began to grow +monotonous. Presently they heard a scuffling and a stamping and a +roaring behind them and something or somebody began to push them most +rudely until at last the wall gave way, the stairs gave way, they gave +way, and tumbled right on to the tips of their noses. + +"Out of the way! Out of the way!" screamed a chorus of curious voices, +and Maude and Willie found themselves taken by the hand by a +weird-looking dwarf with a swivel eye and an elevated proboscis, and led +out of danger. + +The children could not help gazing upon their preserver, who was so +grotesquely formed, with a humped back, twisted legs, very long arms, +and such a funny little body without any neck. But his eyes atoned for +everything--they sparkled and glinted in their sockets like bright brown +diamonds--only there are no brown diamonds, you know, only white and +pink ones. + +[Illustration] + +The Dwarf did not appear to mind the wondering looks of the children at +all, but patted them on the cheeks and told them not to be frightened. +But whether he meant frightened of himself, or of the Birds, Beasts, and +Fishes that were hurrying by in such confusing masses, they could not +tell. One thing, however, that astonished them very much was the +deference with which they greeted their quaint rescuer, as they passed +by. For every creature from the Lion to the Mouse bowed most politely +as they approached him, and then went on their way gaily frisking, for +this was their weekly half-holiday. + +"How do you like my Menagerie," enquired the Dwarf. "Rough and ready, +perhaps, but as docile as a flat-iron if you treat them properly." + +"It is just like the Zoo," declared Willie. "Or the animals in AEsop's +Fables," suggested Maude. + +This delighted the Dwarf very much, for though he looked so serious, he +was full of good humour and skipped about with much agility. + +"Good! Good!" he cried. "AEsop and the Zoo! Ha! Ha! He! He! Anybody can +be a Zoo but only one can be AEsop, and I am he!" + +"AEsop! Are you really Mr AEsop, the Phrygian Philosopher?" cried Maude. + +"_King_ AEsop, I should say," corrected Willie. "I am glad we have met +you, because now, perhaps, you will kindly tell us what a Fable really +is." + +"A Fable," said the merry AEsop, with a twinkle in his witty eyes, "is a +fictitious story about nothing that ever happened, related by nobody +that ever lived. And the moral is, that every one is quite innocent, +only they must not do it again!" + +"Ah! that is only your fun," said Willie sagely, "because of the moral. +Why do they give you so many morals?" + +"I don't know," answered AEsop gravely. "But the Commentators and Editors +do give a lot of applications and morals to the tales of my animals, +don't they?" + +"I like a tale with a moral," averred Maude, "it finishes everything up +so satisfactorily, I think. Now, Mr AEsop, as you know so much, please +tell us what a proverb is?" + +"Ah!" replied Mr AEsop, "I don't make proverbs. There are too many +already, but a proverb usually seems to me to be something you always +theoretically remember to practically forget." + +Neither of the children quite understood this, though Maude thought it +was what her papa would call satire, and satire was such a strange word +that she could never fully comprehend the meaning. + +Willie was silent too, like his sister, and seeing them deep in thought, +King AEsop waved a little wand he had in his hand, and all the Birds and +Beasts and Fishes joined hands and paws, and fins and wings, and danced +in a circle singing to the music of a quantity of piping birds in the +trees:-- + + If you want to be merry and wise, + You must all be as bright as you can, + You never must quarrel, + Or spoil a right moral, + But live on a regular plan. + You must read, write and arith-metise, + Or you'll never grow up to be good; + And you mustn't say "Won't," + Or "I shan't" and "I don't," + Or disturb the Indicative Mood. + + So round about the Knowledge Tree, + Each boy and girl must go, + To learn in school the golden rule, + And Duty's line to toe! + + If you want to be clever and smart, + You must also be ready for play, + And don't be too subtle + When batting your shuttle, + But sport in a frolicsome way. + With bat and with ball take your part, + Or with little doll perched on your knee, + You sing all the time, + To a nursery rhyme, + Before you go in to your tea! + + So round about the Sunset Tree + Each boy and girl should go + To play a game of--What's its name? + That is each game--you know! + +After merrily joining in this very original song, with dancing +accompaniment, Maude and Willie thanked King AEsop for permitting his +animals to entertain them. + +"Always glad to please good little boys and girls, you know," he +replied pleasantly, "even in their play they furnish us with a new fable +and a moral." + +"And that is?" + +"All play and no work makes the world stand still." + +[Illustration] + +Before they could ask for an explanation, their attention was once more +drawn to the animals, who had commenced playing all kinds of games just +the same as they themselves played in the play-ground at school. The +Toads were playing Leap-frog; the Elephants and the Bears, Fly the +Garter; the Dromedaries, Hi! Spie! Hi! while the snakes were trundling +their hoops. The Lions and the Lambs were playing at cricket with the +Donkeys as fielders and the Wombat as umpire. + +The Frogs were in a corner by themselves playing "Kiss in the Ring," and +crying out:-- + + "It isn't you! It isn't you! + We none of us know what to do," + +in a very serio-comic manner. Then the Storks and the Cranes and the +Geese and the Ganders were standing in a circle singing:-- + + Sally, Sally Waters, + Sitting in the Moon, + With the camel's daughters, + All through the afternoon! + Oh Sally! Bo Sally! + Where's your dusting pan; + My Sally! Fie Sally! + Here is your young man! + +In another part the Crabs, the Sheep, and the Fox, were vowing that +London Bridge was Broken Down, because they had not half-a-crown, which +seemed a curious reason. Then all the rest of the wild creatures, Birds, +Beasts, and Fishes, commenced an extraordinary dance, singing, croaking, +flapping their fins and spreading their wings, to these words:-- + + We are a crowd of jolly boys, + All romping on the lea; + We always make this merry noise, + When we return from sea. + + So we go round and round and round, + Because we've come ashore; + For Topsy Turvey we are bound, + So round again once more. + + Go in and out of the coppice, + Go in and out at the door; + And do not wake the poppies, + Who want to have a snore. + +It was too ridiculous; they could recognise every animal they had read +about in AEsop, and they were all behaving in a manner they little +dreamed could be possible, out of a Night-mare. But it certainly was not +a Night-mare, though they could distinguish several horses and ponies. + +[Illustration] + +They never seemed to stop in their games, and even the Ants and the +Gnats were playing--and above all a game of football,--though as some +played according to Association and some to Rugby rules, of course it +was rather perplexing to the on-lookers. When they grew tired of +watching the Animal World enjoying their holiday, they turned to consult +King AEsop, but to their astonishment, he was not near them--he had +vanished! And when they turned round the other way the Animals had +vanished too, and they were quite alone. Indeed everything seemed to +disappear, even the light that had been their guide so long, and they +began to tremble with fear and apprehension. + +Not a sound was to be heard, and darkness gradually fell around them. +They held each other by the hand, and determined to go forward, but to +their dismay they could not move! They were glued to the earth. They +tried to speak, but their tongues stuck to the roofs of their mouths, +and they were in great distress. "Where, Oh where was the Zankiwank?" +they wondered in their thoughts. And a buzzing in their ears took up the +refrain:-- + + The Zankiwank, the Zankiwank, + Oh where, Oh where is the Zankiwank? + He brought us here, and much we fear + His conduct's far from Franky-wank! + The Zankiwank, the Zankiwank, + He has gone to seek the Bletherwitch, + Oh the Zankiwank, 'tis a panky prank + To leave us here to die in a ditch. + +"A telegram, did you say? For me, of course, what an age you have been. +How is my blushing bride? Let me see-- + + '_From the Bletherwitch, Nonsuch Street, + To the Zankiwank, Nodland._ + + Forgot my new shoes, and the housemaid's killed the parrot. Put the + kettle on.'" + +Then the children heard some sobbing sound soughing through the silence +and they knew that they were saved. Also that the Zankiwank was weeping. +So with a strong effort Maude managed to call out consolingly, +"Zankiwanky, dear! don't cry, come and let me comfort you." + +But the Zankiwank refused to be comforted. However, he came forward +muttering an incantation of some sort, and Maude and Willie finding +themselves free, rushed forward and greeted him. + +"Hush, my dears, the Nargalnannacus is afloat on the wild, wild main. We +must be careful and depart, or he will turn us into something +unpleasant--the last century or may be the next, as it is close at hand, +and inexpensive. Follow me to the ship that is waiting in the Bay +Window, and we will go and get some Floranges." + +Carefully Maudie and Willie followed the Zankiwank, each holding on by +the tails of his coat, glad enough to go anywhere out of the Blackness +of the Dark. + +Soon they found themselves in Window Bay, and climbing up the sides of a +mighty ship with five funnels and a red-haired captain. + +"Quick," called the Captain, "the Nargalnannacus is on the lee scuppers +just off the jibboom brace. Make all sail for the Straights of +Ballambangjan, and mind the garden gate." + +Then the Zankiwank became the man at the wheel, and the vessel scudded +before the wind as the two children went off into a trance. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Part II + +The Fairies' Feather and Flower Land + + + _Faery elves, + Whose midnight revels, by a forest side + Or fountain, some belated peasant sees, + Or dreams he sees, while overhead the moon + Sits arbitress._ + MILTON. + + + _O then I see Queen Mab hath been with you: + She is the fairies' midwife; and she comes + In shape no bigger than an agate-stone + On the fore-finger of an alderman, + Drawn with a train of little atomies, + Athwart men's noses as they lie asleep._ + SHAKESPEARE. + + + + +The Fairies' Feather and Flower Land + + +How long Maude and Willie had been rocking in the cradle of the deep +they could not tell, nor how long it took them to steam through the +Straits of Ballambangjan, for everything was exceptionally bleak and +blank to them. By the way, if you cannot find the Straits of +Ballambangjan in your Geography or on the Map, you should consult the +first sailor you meet, and he will give you as much information on the +subject as any boy or girl need require. + +Both children experienced that curious sensation of feeling asleep while +they were wide awake, and feeling wide awake when they imagined +themselves to be asleep, just as one does feel sometimes in the early +morning, when the sun is beginning to peep through the blinds, and the +starlings are chattering, and the sparrows are tweeting under the eaves, +outside the window. + +They were no longer on the vessel that had borne them away from +Fableland, and the approach of the Nargalnannacus, a fearsome creature +whom nobody has yet seen, although most of us may not have heard about +him. + +The obliging Zankiwank was with them, and when they looked round they +found themselves in a square field festooned with the misty curtains of +the Elfin Dawn. + +"Of course," said the Zankiwank, "this is Midsummer Day, and very soon +it will be Midsummer Night, and you will see some wonders that will +outwonder all the wonders that wonderful people have ever wondered both +before and afterwards. Listen to the Flower-Fairies--not the garden +flowers, but the wild-flowers; they will sing you a song, while I beat +time--not that there is any real need to beat Time, because he is a most +respectable person, though he always contrives to beat us." + +[Illustration] + +Both children would have liked to argue out this speech of the Zankiwank +because it puzzled them, and they felt it would not parse properly. +However, as just at that moment the Elfin Orchestra appeared, they sat +on the grass and listened:-- + + +THE ELFIN DAWN. + + This is the Elfin Dawn, + When ev'ry Fay and Faun, + Trips o'er the earth with joy and mirth, + And Pleasure takes the maun. + Night's noon stars coyly peep, + O'er dale and dene and deep, + And Fairies fair float through the air, + Love's festival to keep. + + We dance and sing in the Welkin Ring, + While Heather Bells go Ding-dong-ding! + To greet the Elfin Dawn. + The Flower-fairies spread each wing, + And trip about with mincing ging, + Upon the magic lawn. + + And so we frisk and play, + Like mortals, in the day; + From acorn cup we all wake up + Titania to obey. + We never, never die, + And this the reason why, + Of Fancy's art we are the part + That lives eternalie. + + We dance and sing in the Welkin Ring, + While Heather Bells go Ding-dong-ding! + To greet the Elfin Dawn. + The Flower-fairies spread each wing, + And trip about with mincing ging, + Upon the magic lawn. + +"They keep very good time, don't they?" said the Zankiwank to the +children, who were completely entranced with pleasure and surprise. + +"Lovely, lovely," was all they could say. + +[Illustration] + +Every wild flower they could think of, and every bird of the air, was to +be seen in this beautiful place with the purling stream running down the +centre, crossed by innumerable rustic bridges, while far away they could +see a fountain ever sending upward its cooling sprays of crystal water. + +"I think I shall spend my honeymoon here," said the Zankiwank. "I have +already bought a honeycomb for my bride. I am so impatient to have her +by my side that I have dispatched the Jackarandajam and Mr Swinglebinks +in a four-wheeled cab to fetch her. When the Bletherwitch arrives I will +introduce you, and you shall both be bridesmaids!" + +"But I can't be a bridesmaid, you know," corrected Willie. + +"Oh yes, you can. You can be anything here you like. You only have to +eat some Fern seeds and you become invisible, and nobody would know you. +It is so simple, and saves a lot of argument. And you should never argue +about anything unless you know nothing about it, then you are sure to +win." + +"But," interrupted Maude, "how can you know nothing about anything?" + +"'Tis the easiest thing out of the world," said the Zankiwank. "What is +nothing?" + +"Nothing." + +"Precisely. Nothing is nothing; but what is better than nothing?" + +"Something." + +"Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Where is your logic? Nothing is better than +something! I'll prove it:-- + + "Nothing is sweeter than honey, + Nothing's more bitter than gall, + Nothing that's comic is funny, + Nothing is shorter than tall." + +"That is nonsense and nothing to do with the case," exclaimed Maude. + +"Nonsense? Nonsense? Did you say nonsense?" + +"Of course she did," said Willie, "and so do I." + +"Nonsense! To me? Do you forget what my name is?" + +"Oh, no, nothing easier than to remember it. You are the Great +Zankiwank." + +"Thank you, I am satisfied. I thought you had forgotten. I am not cross +with you." + +Maude and Willie vowed they would not cross him for anything, let alone +nothing, and so the Zankiwank was appeased and offered to give them the +correct answer to his own unanswerable conundrum. Do you know what a +conundrum is though? I will tell you while the Zankiwank is curling his +whiskers:-- + +A conundrum is an impossible question with an improbable answer. Think +it over the next time you read "Robinson Crusoe." + + "Nothing is better than a good little girl; + But a jam tart is better than nothing, + Therefore a jam tart is better than the best little girl alive." + +"What do you think of that?" said the Zankiwank. + +"I have heard something like it before. But that is nothing. Anyhow I +would much rather be a little girl than a jam tart--because a jam tart +must be sour because it's tart, and a little girl is always sweet," +promptly replied Willie, kissing his sister Maude on the nose--but that +was an accident, because she moved at the wrong moment. + +"You distress me," said the Zankiwank. "Suppose I were to try to shoot +Folly as it flies, and hit a Fool's Cap and Bells instead, what would +you say?" + +"I should say that you had shot at nothing and missed it." + +[Illustration] + +At this Maude and Willie laughed girlsterously and boysterously, and the +Zankiwank wept three silent tears in the teeth of the wind and declared +that nothing took his fancy so much as having nothing to take. So they +took him by the arm and begged him, as he was so clever and had +mentioned the name, to take them to Fancy's dwelling-place. + +"I think Fancy must dwell amongst the wild flowers--the sweet beautiful +wild flowers that grow in such charming variety of disorder." Saying +this, Maude took Willie's hand and urged the Zankiwank forward. + +Before the Zankiwank could reply, a company of fairies, all dressed in +pink and green, leapt from the petals of the flowers and danced forward, +singing to the buzz of the bees and the breaking note of the +yellow-ammer with his bright gamboge breast:-- + + +WHERE IS FANCY BRED. + + O would you know where Fancy dwells? + And where she flaunts her head? + Come to the daisy-spangled dells, + And seek her in her bed. + For Fancy is a maiden sweet, + With all a maiden's whims; + As quick as thought--as Magic fleet-- + Like gossamer she skims. + + O seek among the birds and bees, + And search among the buds; + In babbling brook, in silver seas, + Or in the raging floods. + Gaze upward to the starry vault; + Or ask the golden sun: + Though ever you will be at fault + Before your task is done. + + O would you know where Fancy dwells? + It is not in the flow'rs; + It is not in the chime of bells, + Nor in the waking hours. + It is not in the learned brain, + Nor in the busy mart; + It lives not with the false and vain, + But in the tender heart. + +As mysteriously as they had appeared, the fairies vanished again, and +only the rustling of the leaves and the twittering of the birds making +melody all around, reminded the children that they were on enchanted +ground. Now and then the bull-frogs would set up a croaking chorus in +some marshy land far behind, but as no one could distinguish what they +said it did not matter. + + O to be here for ever, + With the fairy band, + O to wake up never + From this dreamy land! + For the humblest plant is weighted + With some new perfume, + And the scent of the air drops like some prayer + And mingles with the bloom. + O to be here for ever, and never, never wake. + +Was that the music of the spheres they wondered? Somehow it seemed as +though their own hearts' echo played to the words that fell so soft, +like a fair sweet tender melody of fairies long ago. + +The Zankiwank had left them again, to send another telegram, perhaps, +and Maude and Willie went rambling through the meadow and down by the +brook, where they gathered nuts and berries and sat them down to enjoy a +rural feast. + +Tiny elves and fairies were constantly coming and going, some driving in +wee chariots with ants for horses and oak leaves for carriages. And +while all the other flowers seemed quite gay and merry in the sunshine, +the Poppies were nodding their scarlet heads and gently dozing, what +time some wild Holly Hocks beat to and fro murmuring-- + + Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! + While the corn is ready to reap. + Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! + And the lightest hours a-creep. + Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! + On the edge of the misty deep. + +As they lay upon the bank, to their surprise a procession of birds came +along, the two foremost being fine handsome thrushes, carrying a large +banner of ivy leaves, on which was inscribed, in letters of red clover, +the following legend:-- + + BEAN-FEAST OF BIRDS + FROM LONDON AND + THE SUBURBS. + +"Fancy," said Maude, "all the birds of London Town come to Fairy-land +for a change of air!" + +"And why not?" asked a saucy Cock-sparrow. "We can't be always singing +the same song, so we come here for a change of air, and of course when +we get a change of air we return with new melodies. If you were to Reed +your books properly you would know that the Pipes of our Organs--our +vocal Organs--want tuning occasionally." + +Then, without any warning, they all struck up a new song, and marvel of +marvels, instead of merely singing like ordinary birds, they sang the +words as well. But before giving you the lyric that they voiced so +melodiously I must tell you the names of some of the birds they saw, and +if you live in London or any large town you will perhaps know several of +them by sight, as well as by cognomen. First in the throng were the +Mistle-Thrushes and the song Thrushes; the Redwing and the Fieldfare, +the Blackbird and the Redstart, and the Redbreast with faithful Jenny +Wren; the large family of Titmouse and the merry Chiff-chaff, with his +pleasant little song of "Chiff-chaff; chiff-chaff; chiv-chave." The +humoursome Wagtails and that rare visitant the Waxwing, hopped along +together, followed by the Swallows and the Martins, and a whole posse of +Finches of various orders, particularly the Chaffinches who were joking +with the Linnets. + +[Illustration] + +Then came the noisy Starlings, the Magpies and the Sparrows chattering +incessantly and evidently talking scandal. The sly Jackdaws and the +Ravens looking as sleek as Sunday Sextons, but evidently plotting +mischief, were also present, in close proximity to the Rooks and the +Crows, who were well able to take care of their own caws. Afterwards +came the Swifts and the Larks up to all sorts of games. A few +Woodpeckers joined their feathered friends, and one Cuckoo was there, +because Willie heard him, but he kept somewhere in the background as +usual. Owls and Bats and Millards with Wigeons and Pigeons brought up +the rear with a few Plovers, including the Lapwing. Jack Snipe came +tumbling after in a hurry, with a stranger called the Whimbrel and a +Puffin out of breath. There were other birds as well, but I don't think +you would know them if I mentioned them. Maude and Willie did not, and +they were quite authorities on ornithology, and perhaps you are not. + + +THE SONG OF THE BIRDS. + + We are the birds of London Town, + Come out to take the air, + To change our coats of grey and brown, + And trim our feathers rare. + + For London fogs so very black + Our tempers disarrange, + And so we skip with piping trip, + To have our yearly change. + + Pee wit! Tu! whoo! + How do you do? + Tweet! tweet! chip! chip! + Chiff! chaff! chiff chay! + Weet wee! weet weet! sweet way! + Cuckoo! + + We sing our songs in London Town, + To make the workers gay; + And seeds and crumbs they throw us down-- + 'Tis all we ask as pay. + + We make them think of fields all green + And long-forgotten things; + Of far-off hopes and dreams a-sheen + And love with golden wings. + + Pee wit! Tu! whoo! + How do you do? + Tweet! tweet! chip! chip! + Chiff! chaff! chiff chay! + Weet wee! weet weet! sweet way! + Cuckoo! + +After this very entertaining song each bird stood on one leg, spread one +wing, and joined partners for one of the prettiest dances you ever saw. +It was called the Birds' Quadrille, and was so charmingly executed that +even the flowers left their beds and borders to look on--the fairies +peeping meanwhile from the buds to join in the general enjoyment. The +voices of the flowers were lifted in gentle cadences to the rhythm of +the feathered dancers' featly twists and turns. + +[Illustration] + +How happy the children felt in this beautiful place with all Nature +vieing to show her sweetest charms. And how rich and rare were the gems +of foliage and tree and humble creeping plants. How easy to forget +everything--but joy--in this fairy paradise that Fancy so deftly +pictured for them! Could there be anything sad in Flower Land? They +could not believe it possible, and yet when a tiny little fairy stepped +from a cluster of wild flowers and sang them the song of the Lily and +the Rose, diamond tears stole down the cheeks of the little lass and the +little lad. + + +THE ROSE AND THE LILY. + + A tender Rose, so pretty and sleek, + Loved a Lily pure and white; + And paid his court with breathings meek-- + Watching o'er her day and night. + While the Lily bowed her virgin head, + The Rose his message sent; + The Lily clung to her lover red, + And gave her shy consent. + + The Violets cooed, and the Hare-bells rang, + And the Jasmine shook with glee; + While the birds high in the branches sang, + "Forget not true to be." + + Dear Flora came the wedding to see,-- + The Cowslips had decked the bride, + The Red Rose trembled so nervously-- + His blushes he could not hide. + The Daisies opened their wee white eyes, + The Pinks came down in rows; + "Forget-me-not!" the Lily cries, + "My own, my sweet Moss Rose!" + + The Violets cooed, and the Hare-bells rang, + And the Jasmine shook with glee; + While the birds high in the branches sang, + "O may you happy be!" + + The Flower-fairies were gathered there, + And every plant as well, + To attend the wedding of this pair + So sweet that no pen can tell. + But a cruel wind came sweeping by-- + The Lily drooped and died.... + Then the Red Rose gave one tearful sigh, + And joined his Lily bride. + + The Violets wept, and the Hare-bells sobbed, + The Myrtle and Jasmine sighed; + The birds were hushed as their hearts all throbbed + At the death of the Rose's bride. + +Before the children had time to grow too sorrowful, there was a +fluttering in the air and a rushing among the plants and flowers as the +Zankiwank bounded into their presence, cutting so many capers that they +were glad they were not to have mutton for dinner, as certainly all the +capers would be destroyed. + +The Zankiwank was in very high spirits, and gleefully announced that the +Court of the Fairies, with the Queen, was coming, as Sally who lived in +somebody's alley had just informed him. Then he burst out singing to a +tune, which I daresay you all know, the following foolish words:-- + + Of all the flowers that are so smart, + There's none like Daffydilly! + She'd be the darling of my heart, + But she has grown so silly! + There is no wild flower in the land + That's half so tame as Daisy; + To her I'd give my heart and hand, + But fear I'd drive her crazy! + + And then there is the Cabbage Rose, + Also the China Aster; + But Buttercup with yellow nose + Would cause jealous disaster. + Forget-me-not, O Violet dear! + Primrose, you know my passion! + For all the plants afar--anear + I court in flowery fashion! + +"Oh, please be serious!" cried Willie. "_What_ is the matter with you, +Mr Zankiwank?" + +You will perceive that Willie and Maude were quite at home in their new +surroundings, and nothing seemed to surprise them one whit, not even the +unexpected which they constantly anticipated. + +[Illustration] + +The Zankiwank only asked permission to send one more telegram to the +Bletherwitch, and then he condescended to inform them that Queen Titania +was about to pay a visit to the Flowers and the Birds, and sure enough, +before he had done speaking, Titania arrived all the way from Athens, +with a full train of fairies and elves, accompanied by a fairy band +playing fairy music. Robin Goodfellow skipped in advance, while +Peaseblossom, Cobweb, Moth, and Mustard-seed attended on the lovely +Queen. + +"Indeed, indeed this must be a Midsummer Night's Dream!" + +"Indeed and indeed then it is," mocked the impudent Robin Goodfellow. +"The fairies are not dead yet; and they never will die while good little +girls and boys, and poets with sweet imaginations, live. But quick, let +not the Queen see you! Eat of these Fern Seeds and you will become +invisible even to the fairies. They are special seeds of my own growing +and warranted to last as long as I choose." + +So Maude and Willie ate of the Fern Seeds and became invisible, even to +the Zankiwank, who was dreadfully distressed and went about calling them +by name. In a spirit of mischief Willie pinched his exceedingly thin +legs, making him jump as high as an April rain-bow, and causing him to +be called to order by the Court Usher. + +[Illustration] + +"And now," said Titania, waving her wand and calling the Flowers and +Birds to her Court, "let the Jackdaw sing his well-known War Song." + +[Illustration] + +"If you please, your majesty, I have left the music at home and +forgotten the words," pleaded the Jackdaw. + +"Very well, then sing it without either or you shall not have a new +coat until the Spring." + +So the Jackdaw stepped forth and sang as below, while the Rook +irreverently cleared his throat above for his friend, and cried "Caw! +Caw!" + + +THE JACKDAW'S JEST. + + If peaches grew on apple trees, + And frogs were made of glass; + And bulls and cows were turned to bees, + And rooks were made of grass; + If boys and girls were made of figs, + If figs were made of dates, + Upon the sands they'd dance like grigs + With bald and oval pates. + + If mortals had got proper sense + And were not quite so mad; + Their mood would make them more intense, + To make each other glad: + If only they would understand + The things that no one knows, + They'd live like fairies in the land, + And never come to blows. + +"That's a very nice War Song--it's so peaceful and soothing," spake the +Queen. "And now call the Poets from Freeland. This is the time for them +to renew their licences, though I greatly fear that they have been +taking so many liberties of late that any licence I can give them will +prove superfluous." + +"Superfluous! Superfluous! That _is_ a good word," muttered the +Zankiwank. "I wonder what it means?" Whereupon he went and asked Robin +Goodfellow and all the other Fairies, but as nobody knew, it did not +matter, and the Poets arriving at that moment he thought of a number and +sat on a toadstool. + +Maude recognised several of the Poets who came to have their licences +renewed--she had heard of "poetic licence" before, but never dreamed +that one had to get the unwritten freedom from Fairyland. But so it was. +Several of the Poets seemed to be exorbitant in their demands, and +wanted to make their poems all licence, but this Titania would not +consent to, so they went away singing, all in tune too, a little piece +that Robin Goodfellow said was a Rondel:-- + + Life is but a mingled song, + Sung in divers keys; + Sweet and tender, brave and strong, + As the heart agrees. + + Naught but love each maid will please + When emotions throng; + Life is but a mingled song, + Sung in divers keys. + + Youth and age nor deem it wrong, + Sing with joyous ease, + That your days you may prolong + Freed from Care's decrees. + Life is but a mingled song + Sung in divers keys. + +So on their way they went rejoicing--saying pretty things to the +fairies, the flowers and the birds, for they are their best friends you +know, and they love all Nature with a vast and all-embracing, +all-enduring love. + +One singer as he went along chanted half-sadly:-- + + To tell of other's joys the poet sings; + To tell of Love, its sweets and eke its pain; + The tenderest songs his magic fancy strings, + Of Love, perchance, that he may never gain. + Hearts may not break and passion may be weak, + But O the grief of Love that dare never speak! + +A light-hearted bard then took up the cue and carolled these lines:-- + + There's so much prose in life that now and then, + A tender song of pity stirs the heart, + A simple lay of love from fevered pen, + Makes in some soul the unshed tear-drops start. + Sing, poets! sing for aye your sweetest strain, + For life without its poetry were vain! + +Then they all sang together a song of May, although Queen Titania had +declared that it was Midsummer. Perhaps her Midsummer lasts all the year +round:-- + + When Winter's gone to rest, + And Spring is our dear guest; + The Merry May, at break of day, + Comes in gay garlands drest. + The brightest smiles she brings-- + Of sweetest hopes she sings + And trips a-pace with dainty grace + And lightest fairy wings. + + Joy is the song all Nature sighs, + Love is the light in maidens' eyes, + May is love alway: + The budding branch and nodding tree + Join in the revels and bow with glee + To greet the Virgin May. + + While songsters choose and mate, + And woo their brides in state, + The youth and maid stroll through the glade + The birds to emulate! + Then comes the Queen of May, + To hold her court and sway, + While gallant blades salute the maids, + And whisper secrets gay. + + Love is the song all Nature sighs, + While peace gleams in each maiden's eyes, + Youth is for joy alway! + The laughing rose and lily fair + Their fragrance shed upon the air, + As though 'twere ever May. + +As the Poets went on their happy way, the last one to depart turned to +where Maude was standing, and though he could not possibly see her, said +gently:-- + + O grant you, little maiden, your thoughts be aye sincere, + Your dreams turn into actions, + Your pleasures know no sear: + Your life be flowers and sunshine, + Your days be free from tear. + +How happy it made her! And what beautiful things these poets always +thought of and said! + +"Now, Peaseblossom and Mustard Seed, you may sing that little song that +I made for you when we were floating up near the Moon, and then we shall +soon have to depart as we have so many calls to make this Midsummer +Night." + +[Illustration] + +Neither Willie nor Maude could understand how it could be Midsummer +Night, because Midsummer Day was such a long way off--quite six weeks, +for this was only yet the month of May. But they did not say anything, +because Robin Goodfellow was looking at them, and they knew they were +invisible, because they could not even feel themselves--which is a +curious sensation, when you come to think of it. + +Now, this is the song that Peaseblossom and Mustard Seed sang together +in unison--the fairies, led by Robin Good fellow, joining in the +chorus:-- + + +WILL YOU WALK INTO THE GARDEN. + + Will you walk into the garden? + Said the Poppy to the Rose, + Your tender heart don't harden,-- + Do not elevate your nose. + For the Gilly-flower has sent us + All because of your perfume, + And the Box a case has lent us, + To make a little room. + + So Rosey! Rosey! sweet little posy + Come to our garden fete, + And our little Cock-roaches will lend you their coaches, + So that you mayn't be late. + + All the Waterblinks are waiting, + Just beneath the Dogwood's shade; + While the Teazle's loudly prating + To the Madder's little maid! + The old Cranberry grows tartish + All about a Goosefoot Corn, + But the Primrose, dressed quite smartish, + Will explain it's but a thorn. + + So Rosey! Rosey! sweet little posy + Come to our garden fete; + Our naughty young nettles shall be on their fettles, + All stinging things to bate. + + Now for tea there's Perrywinkles + And some Butterwort and Sedge, + House-leeks and Bird's-nest-binkles, + With some Sundew from the hedge, + There is Sorrel, Balsam, Mallow, + Some Milk Wort and Mare's Tail too, + With some Borage and some Sallow, + Figworts and Violets blue. + + So Rosey! Rosey! sweet little posy, + Come to our garden fete, + And the Iris and Crocus shall sing us and joke us + Some humorous things sedate. + +"That's all very well," exclaimed the Zankiwank. "Roses are always +delightful, especially the Cabbage Roses, because you can eat them for +breakfast, but every rose has its drawback.... Ho! and it's thorn," he +added, dancing with pain, for at that moment several rose bushes he was +passing by gave him a good pricking. + +"Ah!" said Queen Titania, "that is not the way to look at the beautiful +things of life. It is because the thorns have roses that we should be +thankful, and not find fault because the roses have thorns." + +"That is a sentiment that I can endorse--it is a true bill, and almost +as good as one of my own," replied Robin Goodfellow saucily; "and now +let us wander through the Florange grove and gather some Moranges and +Lemons." + +[Illustration] + +Neither Maude nor Willie had heard of Floranges or Moranges, and +wondered what sort of fruit they could be, when their attention was +drawn once more to Queen Titania and her court of fairies, who were all +seated beneath the greenwood tree eating puddings and pies that Mustard +Seed and Peaseblossom and Cobweb were making for them, chanting, as they +cooked the pastry by the fire of their own eloquence, this doggerel:-- + + First you take a little orange, + And you squeeze out all the pips; + Then you add a crimson florange, + Which you cut up into chips. + Then you stir them in a porringe, + With your tiny finger tips; + And you have the finest morange + Ever known to mortal lips. + +How Willie and Maude longed to taste a morange! The Zankiwank evidently +enjoyed the one he had, for he said it tasted just like mango, ice +cream, blackberries and plum tart all mixed up together, so that it must +have been nice. + +After the feast Titania said she must be going, as she felt certain +that there were some invisible mortals present. She could hear them +breathing! At this Robin Goodfellow grew nervous, and the children got +frightened lest the Queen should discover and punish them for their +temerity. + + "Where Christmas pudding's bliss + 'Tis folly to eat pies," + +cried Robin Goodfellow to divert attention and the fairies at the same +time, but the Queen was not satisfied, and ordered a special dress train +to carry them away again. + +[Illustration] + +At this moment the two children tumbled off nothing into a vacant space, +making the Zankiwank scream out--"It must be the Bletherwitch in the +clutches of the Nargalnannacus." But it wasn't, and if it had not been +for Robin Goodfellow's presence of mind, I am sure I do not know what +would have happened. That lively rascal, however, guessing that he had +used the wrong seeds, at once stepped forward, and taking Maude and +Willie each by the hand, boldly presented them to Her Majesty as being +favoured mortals who were friends of the Zankiwank, and so the Queen +received them and asked them more questions than you could find in any +school book. None of which they answered, because when they turned round +the Queen and all her court had vanished, and only the Zankiwank was to +be seen. + +The Zankiwank took no notice of them whatever, and behaved just as +though he could not see them. They called him by name without arousing +his attention, for he was once more writing a telegram, only he did not +know where to send it. In the distance Maude could hear the sound of +voices, and she declared she could recognise the Queen singing, though +Willie said it must have been her imagination because he could not. +However, this is what Maude said she heard:-- + + Dear little maid, may joy be thine + As through your life you go; + Let Truth and Peace each act design, + That Hope turn not to woe. + + Dream if you will in maiden prime, + But let each dream be true; + For idle hopes waste golden time, + That won't return to you. + + In after years when ways divide, + And Love dispels each tear, + Know in some breast there will abide + A thought for you sincere. + + So strive, dear maid, to play your part, + With noble aim and deed; + Let sweetness ever sway your heart, + And so I give you speed. + +[Illustration] + +While Maudie was pondering over the meaning of these words, she was +suddenly lifted off her feet, and, when she recovered from the shock, +found herself with Willie in a balloon, while down below the Zankiwank +was fondly embracing the Jackarandajam, who had just arrived with a +whole army of odd-looking people, including Jack-the-Giant-Killer, Tom +Thumb, Blue Beard, and all his wives, with Sister Anne, Dick +Whittington, and his black cat, and Tom Tiddler, and about three +thousand four hundred and five goblins and sprites, who all commenced +running a race up and down the valley from which they were fast +speeding. + +"Keep the pot a-boiling; keep the pot a-boiling," bawled the Zankiwank, +and away they all went again, helter skelter, in and out, and up and +down, like skaters on a rink. + +Gradually the balloon altered its course, and instead of going up it +went straight ahead to a large inpenetrable wall that seemed to threaten +them with destruction; while, to the annoyance of both Maude and Willie, +they could hear the revellers down below dancing and singing as though +they were in no jeopardy. And if the words had been correct they would +have declared that it was the Mariners of England who were singing their +own song:-- + + You sleepy little mortals, + High up in a balloon, + You soon will pass the portals, + Beyond the crescent moon. + Then Shadowland will come in view, + A dream within a dream; + So keep in your sleep + While we keep up the steam; + While the midnight hours are all a-creep, + And we are all a-beam. + + The spirits of the fairies + This eve are very bright, + For in your nest the mare is + Who only rides by night. + Into a magic sphere you go, + A dream within a dream. + So keep in your sleep, + While we keep up the steam, + For Shadow Land is deep and steep, + And we are all a-beam. + +With a bump, and a thump, and a jump, the balloon burst against the +wall, and Maude and Willie felt themselves dropping, dropping, dropping, +until the Zankiwank bounced up and caught them both in his arms, saying +as he rushed forward:-- + +[Illustration] + +"Quick, the gates are only open for five seconds once a week, and if we +don't get inside at once we shall be jammed in the door-way." + +So into Shadow Land they tumbled as the porter mumbled and grumbled and +shut the gate with a boom and a bang after them. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Part III + +A Visit to Shadow Land + + + _Swift as a shadow, short as any dream; + Bright as the lightning in the collied night, + That, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth, + And ere a man hath power to say "Behold!" + The jaws of darkness do devour it up: + So quick bright things come to confusion._ + SHAKESPEARE. + + + _There's a crushing and a crashing--there's a flaring and a flashing, + There's a rushing and a dashing, as if crowds were hurrying by-- + There's a screaming and a shouting, as a multitude was routing, + And phantom forms were flouting the blackness of the sky, + And in mockery their voices are lifted wild and high, + As they lilt a merry measure while they fly._ + J. L. FORREST. + + + + +A Visit to Shadow Land + + +"This," cheerily explained the Zankiwank, "is Shadow Land, where +everything is mist, though nothing is ever found, because nothing is +ever lost, for you cannot lose nothing unless you have nothing to gain. +Consequently I shall leave you to find out everything else," with which +nonsensical introduction the Zankiwank caught hold of the wings of a +house, sprang on to the gables, and flew down the nearest chimney, +followed by all the dancers they had seen below, including the +Jackarandajam and all the residents from Story-Book Land of whom you can +think. But if you cannot think of all of them yourself, ask your sisters +to think for you. + +It certainly was a Land of Shadows, where revolving lights like flashes +from a lighthouse sent all sorts of varying rays right through the +mists, presenting to them a fresh panorama of views every other minute +or so. The shadows danced all through the place, which seemed like a +large plateau or table-land, near a magnificent stretch of ocean which +they could see before them with ships passing to and fro incessantly. +And all the time, goblins, hob, nob and otherwise, red, blue, and green, +kept rushing backwards and forwards, sometimes with a whole school of +children following madly in their wake. Such a dashing and a crashing +was never seen or heard before, and as each creature carried his shadow +with him, you can just imagine what a lot of lights and shades there +must have been. Occasionally there would be a slight lull in the +excitement, and the racing and the rushing would cease for awhile. Each +time that there was a pause in the seemingly endless races, a quaint +round-faced little person, dressed in short petticoats, sky blue +stockings and a crimson peaked hat, stepped from Nowhere in particular, +and either sang a song herself or introduced a small girl spirit, or +boy spirit, who did so for her. + +[Illustration] + +The first time, she descended on to the plateau on a broom, and +introduced herself by throwing a light from the magic lantern which she +carried, on to a sheet of water which she unfolded, and thereon appeared +this announcement:-- + + I AM THE GREAT LITTLE WINNY WEG. + +But as neither Willie nor Maude knew what a Winny Weg was, they were +necessarily compelled to await further developments. However, as none +came, they listened carefully to her song, which, as far as I can +remember, was like this:-- + + +THE FUNNY LITTLE MAN. + + I am going to tell a story of a little girl I knew, + She had a little sweetheart no bigger than my shoe; + She used to sit and sew all day--he used to run and play, + And when she tried to chide him, this is all that he would say: + + O my! Here's such a jolly spree! + Sally Water's coming with Jack Sheppard into tea, + She's bringing Baby Bunting with old Mother Hubbard's Dog, + And little Jacky Horner with the Roly Poly Frog. + O my! it fills my heart with glee! + The House that Jack is building isn't big enough for me! + + In time these two got married and they took a little house, + And soon a tiny baby came, no bigger than a mouse; + But still the little husband played at skipping rope and top + With all the little girls and boys, and drank their ginger-pop. + + O my! this funny little Sam + Thought the world was bread and cheese, and all the trees were jam; + He stood his baby on its head, and played at shuttlecock, + And then he rocked himself to sleep with cakes of almond-rock. + O my! he was a sniggadee! + He went to bed at one o'clock and rose at half-past three. + + Now once they gave a party, and sweet Cinderella came + With Blue Beard and Red Riding Hood and little What's-His-Name; + And Nelly Bly who winked her eye and Greedy Tommy Stout, + Bo-Peep and Tam O'Shanter, and likewise Colin Clout. + + O my! it was a jolly spree! + Ev'ry one from Fairy Land and Fiddle Faddle Fee, + And Mary brought her Little Lamb, from which they all had chops, + While Puck and Cupid served them with some hot boiled acid drops. + O my! it was a happy spread, + They all sat down on toadstools and in mushrooms went to bed. + + As time went on, and he grew grey, he took to flying kites, + And then he took to staying out so very late o' nights! + One day he thought he was a bird and flew up in the air, + And if you listen you will hear singing now up there:-- + + O my! I'm such a funny Coon, + I'm going to get some green cheese away up in the Moon; + I'm going to see the Evening Star, to ask him why he blinks, + Also the Sun to ascertain about the things she thinks. + O my! I feel so gay and free, + I'm going to call on Father Time and then return to tea. + +[Illustration] + +The two children were so absorbed in listening to this rhyming rigmarole +that they did not observe the Winny Weg depart, though, when they came +to think of it, the last verse was sung in the clouds, and presumably +by the Funny Little Man himself, and they quite longed for him to pay +them a call. But he didn't, so the goblins started off once more on +their wild career, this time on horseback, making such a hammering and a +clattering as almost to deafen them. + +[Illustration] + +Quickly in the rear of the white horses and the spirits, who all wore +little round caps with tassels at the top, came a procession of +dolls--wax dolls, wooden dolls, and saw-dust dolls, very finely dressed, +with here and there a doll who had lost a leg, or an arm, or a head, +while some were quite cripples, and had to be carried by a train of tiny +girls in very short frocks and very long sashes. At the head of these +appeared the Winny Weg again, and just as they were vanishing in the +shadows, a regular shower of broken dolls came down in dreadful +disorder, causing the children to break from their ranks to gather up +their property, as the dolls, it was evident, were their own old +companions which they had discarded when new ones were given to them. +One particularly disreputable doll, with a broken nose and a very +battered body, was claimed by the prettiest child of all, and as she +picked it up, she stepped into the centre of a ring formed by her +school-fellows, and recited to them this pathetic poem:-- + + +THE UNFORTUNATE DOLL. + + O poor Dolly! O pitty sing! + An' did um have a fall? + Some more tourt plaster I must bling + Or else oo'll squeam and squall! + I never knew a doll like oo-- + Oo must have been made yong; + I don't fink oo were born twite new-- + Oo never have been stwong! + + I held oo to the fire one day + To make oose body warm; + And melted oose poor nose away-- + And then oo lost oose form. + Yen some yude boy, to my surplise, + Said oo had dot a stwint; + And yen he painted both oose eyes + And wapped oo up in lint. + + Your yosey cheeks were nets to fade, + Oose blush bedan to do; + And now I'm welly much aflaid + Oose lost oose big yight toe. + Oose left leg is no longer left, + Oose yight arm's left oo too; + And of your charm oo is beyeft, + And no doll tums to woo! + + And oose a hollow little fing, + Oose saw-dust has yun out; + Your stweak is gone, oo cannot sing, + Oose lips tan't form a pout. + Oose hair is dyed, an' all is done, + Oose ears are in oose neck; + An' so my Dolly, darling one, + Oo _is_ a fearful weck. + It is too bad--I loved oo so-- + That oo should die so soon, + An' to the told, told drave must do + This velly afternoon! + +[Illustration] + +After this affecting recital they all took out their "hankelwiches," as +the owner of the Unfortunate Doll said, and placing themselves in line, +they followed, as mourners, the remains of the deceased doll to the end +of a back garden, which some of the goblins had brought in with them. +Then everything faded away again, and more shadows danced on the land +and the sea, until nothing was to be seen but the galloping sprites and +the Winny Weg, who was dancing in a corner all by herself. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +A pink light now burst through the haze, the goblins rode off, and a +perfect fairy-land nursery was unfolded before Maude and Willie, who +were reclining peacefully on a golden couch with silver cushions. They +had no desire to talk, but were content to drink in all that they saw +rapturously and silently. The nursery was crowded, wee baby-kins were +crawling about everywhere, with a dozen coy cupid-like dots with bows +and arrows. And right away at the back a beautiful garden was disclosed, +in which happy young couples were seen perambulating arm-in-arm, talking +soft nothings to each other. Meanwhile the crawling babies in the +Universal Nursery began to stand up; and then commenced such a game of +leap-frog by these tiny mites, that made even the Cheshire Cat smile. It +was so funny to hear these dots call out to each other to tuck in their +"tuppennies," and to see them flying, without stopping to take breath, +over each other's backs. Even the little pink and blue cupids laughed +until the babies crept back to their cribs once more, and were rocked +off to sleep as the Winny Weg waved her wand, and an unseen choir of +little girls and boys was heard singing this Lullaby:-- + + +O WE ARE SO SLEEPY! + + O we are so sleepy! + Blinky, winky eyes: + Why are you so peepy + Ere the twilight dies? + See! the dustman calleth + As the shadows creep; + Eve's dark mantle falleth, + And we long to sleep. + + To sleep! To sleep! + O we are so sleepy! + Blinky, winky eyes: + Why are you so peepy + Ere the twilight dies? + + O we are so sleepy: + Nodding is each head, + Playing at bo-peepy, + Now the day is sped. + Birdies in their nesties + Rest in slumber deep; + Nodland's full of guesties + When we go to sleep. + + To sleep! To sleep! + O we are so sleepy! + Blinky, winky eyes: + Why are you so peepy + When the twilight dies? + +The slight mist that had descended went up just like a gauze curtain, +bringing into view again the lovely garden reposing in the rear in a +beautiful green bath of light. + +Then the merry Winny Weg caught hold of the cupids and incited them to +dance a slow gavotte, and as they danced they warbled lusciously:-- + + +CUPID'S GARDEN. + + O chaste and sweet are the flowers that blow + In Cupid's Garden fair; + Shy Pansies for thoughts in clusters grow, + And Lilies pure and rare. + Violets white, and Violets blue, + And budding Roses red, + With Orange-bloom of tend'rest hue + Their fragrance gently spread. + +Other voices, which seemed to belong to the lads and lasses in the +garden, joined in the chorus:-- + + Love is born of the Lily and Rose, + Love in a garden springs; + With maidens pure and bright it grows, + And in all hearts it sings. + + Love lies Bleeding with Maiden's Blush, + Sighing Forget-me-not; + While the Gentle Heart with crimson flush + Peeps from its cooling grot. + And Love lies dreaming in idleness + To gain its own Heart's-Ease; + The Zephyrs breathe with shy caress, + Each youthful breast to please. + + Love is born of the Lily and Rose, + Love in a garden springs; + With maidens pure and bright it grows, + And for all hearts it sings. + +How delicious and soothing Shadow Land was! Shadow Land! The Land of +Yesterday, To-Day and To-morrow. The Land of Hope, and Joy and Peace. +The two children wandered off, as it were, into a dream for a time, and +when they gazed again, the garden was more delightful than ever--a +joyous blend of Spring and Summer seemed to invade the grounds, while +many of the flowers and trees showed slight signs of Autumn tinting. In +one corner of the garden a magnificent marble and bronze fountain +unexpectedly sprang up through the ground and played unceasingly to the +ethereal skies. Merry children danced and played around its base, and +lovers young and old promenaded affectionately up and down the +innumerable groves, stopping now and then to offer each other a draught +of the sparkling water that fell so deliciously into the amber cups. + +There were no shadows now. All was bright and glorious; sunlight and +pleasure reigned supreme. From the clouds unseen singers sang softly to +the people as they passed and repassed, and this was the story of their +song:-- + + In a garden stood a fountain, + Sparkling in the noon-day sun, + Rising like a crystal mountain-- + Never ceasing--never done! + Happy children came there playing, + Laughing in their frolic glee; + 'Mong the flow'rs and brambles straying, + Tasting life's sweet ecstasy. + + O fountain pure and bright, + Dance in the joyous sun; + And sparkle in your might, + Until all life is done. + + In the summer came the lovers, + Plighting troth beneath its shade; + Warm heart's secret each discovers-- + Happy youth and happy maid! + Plays the fount so soft and featly + In the breeze of waning day, + As the lovers whisper sweetly, + "I will love you, love alway." + + O fountain pure and bright, + Dance in the joyous sun; + And sparkle in your might + Until all life is done. + + In the winter, cold and dreary, + Cease the waters in their play; + But the lovers, grey and weary, + Seek the tryst of yesterday! + Time and tide flow on for ever, + Heedless of man's joy or pain; + But beyond the tideless river + Trusting hearts will meet again. + + O fountain pure and bright, + Dance in the joyous sun; + And sparkle in your might, + Until all life is done. + +The voices faded and died away; the scene changed and a purple curtain +descended, hiding everything and everybody except the Winny Weg. An +extraordinary commotion outside warned the half-dozing children that a +fresh flight of goblins might be expected. And sure enough in stalked an +army of giants from one side, who were met by an army of dwarfs from the +other, the latter on stilts. But the curious thing about them was that +the giants had only got one eye, which was stuck on the ends of their +noses, while the dwarfs had their eyes where their ears ought to be, and +their ears in the place usually reserved for the eyes. Besides which +they each had a large horn fixed in the middle of their foreheads. + +Both armies expressed surprise at seeing each other, the leaders of +which said quite calmly, as though they were asking one another to have +a penny bun cut up in four between them--both said quite calmly-- + +"I suppose we must fight now we have met?" + +Upon hearing this the Winny Weg mounted her broom-stick and flew up out +of harm's way. + +And then commenced the most terrible battle ever seen on land or sea. +They fought with penknives and darning-needles, the battle lasted half +an hour, and only one stilt was injured. So they began again, using coal +scuttles and tongs, and the din was so fearful, and the giants and the +dwarfs got so mixed up that a railway train filled with Shadows of the +Past rushed on and sent both armies flying. Then the shadows deepened +and deepened, and the lightning flashed, the thunders crashed, the sea +roared, and a great red cavern opened and swallowed up everything, +including Maude and Willie, who certainly were not quite awake to what +was going forward, and all they could recollect of the occurrence was +that they saw the winkles and the shrimps on the sea-shore playing at +bowls with the cockles. + +[Illustration] + + + + +Part IV + +The Land of Topsy Turvey + + + _In the noon of night, o'er the stormy hills + The fairy minstrels play; + And the strains replete with fantastic dreams, + On the wild gusts flit away. + Then the sleeper thinks, as the dreamful song + On the blast to his slumber comes, + That his nose as the church's spire is long, + And like its organ hums!_ + R. D. WILLIAMS. + + + _Wouldst know what tricks, by the pale moonlight, + Are played by one, the merry little Sprite? + I wing through air from the camp to the court, + From King to clown, and of all make sport, + Singing I am the Sprite + Of the merry midnight + Who laughs at weak mortals and loves the moonlight._ + THOMAS MOORE. + + + + +The Land of Topsy Turvey + + +If Maude and Willie had been in a state of somnolency during their +sojourn in Shadow Land, they felt themselves very much awake on reaching +the land of Topsy Turvey. They knew they were in Topsy Turvey Land +because they were greeted with a jingling chorus to that effect +immediately they opened their eyes:-- + + O this is Topsy Turvey Land, + Where ev'ry one is gay and bland, + And day is always night. + We welcome to all strangers give, + For by their custom we must live, + Because we're so polite. + + O this is Topsy Turvey Land, + And all our goods are in demand, + By mortal, fay and sprite. + Our novelties are warranted, + And through the land their fame is spread, + Because we're so polite. + +[Illustration] + +Surely they had been whisked back to Charing Cross again without knowing +it? The long wide thoroughfare in which the children now found +themselves was just like one of the main shopping streets in London. +Some parts reminded them of Regent Street, some of the Strand, and some +of Oxford Street. Yes, and there was the Lowther Arcade, only somehow a +little different. It was odd. Toy shops, novelty stores, picture shops, +and shops of all sorts and sizes greeted them on either hand. Moreover, +there were the shopkeepers and their assistants, and crowds of people +hurrying by, jostling the loungers and the gazers; and the one +policeman, who was talking to a fat person in a print gown who was +standing at the area steps of the only private house they could see. +They were wondering what they should do when the policeman cried out:-- + +"Come along there! Now then, move on!" How rude of him. However, they +"moved on," and were nearly knocked down by the Zankiwank, who darted +into the post-office to receive a telegram and to send one in reply. + +They followed him, of course; they knew the telegram was from the +Bletherwitch, and the Zankiwank read it out to them:-- + + "Fashions in bonnets changed. Have ordered six mops. Don't + forget the cauliflower. Postpone the wedding at once. No + cards." + +"Now what does that mean," murmured the expectant bridegroom. "My +Bletherwitch cannot be well. I'll send her some cough lozenges." So he +wrote a reply and despatched it:-- + + "Take some cough drops every five minutes. Have ordered + cucumber for supper. Pay the cabman and come by electricity." + +"That certainly should induce her to come, don't you think so? She is so +very sensitive. Well, I must not be impatient, she is exceedingly +charming when you catch her in the right mood." + +[Illustration] + +Maude scarcely believed that the Bletherwitch could possess so many +charms, or she would not keep her future husband waiting so long for +her. But she knew it was useless offering any advice on so delicate a +subject, so she and Willie begged the Zankiwank to be their guide and to +show them the Lions of Topsy Turvey, which he readily agreed to do. + +And now, as they left the post-office, they turned their attention to +the shops and were surprised to read the names over the windows of +several individuals they had already met in the train. For instance, the +Wimble lived next door to the Wamble, and each one had printed in the +window a very curious legend. + +This is what the Wamble had:-- + + GOOD RESOLUTIONS BOUGHT, SOLD + AND EXCHANGED. + + A FEW BAD, AND SOME SLIGHTLY DAMAGED, + TO BE DISPOSED OF--A BARGAIN. + + _No connection with the business next door._ + +While the Wimble stated the nature of his wares as follows:-- + + BAD RESOLUTIONS BOUGHT, SOLD + AND EXCHANGED. + + A FEW GOOD, AND SOME SLIGHTLY INDIFFERENT, + TO BE DISPOSED OF--A BARGAIN. + + _No connection with the business next door._ + +"No connection with the business next door," repeated Willie. + +"Why, you told us that they were brothers--twins," indignantly cried +Maude. + +"So they are! So they are! Don't you see they are twins from a family +point of view only. In business, of course, they are desperately opposed +to each other. That is why they are so prosperous," explained the +Zankiwank. + +"Are they prosperous? I never heard of such a thing as buying and +selling Resolutions. How can one buy a Good Resolution?" enquired Maude. + +"Or exchange Bad Resolutions," said Willie. "It is quite wicked." + +"Not at all. Not at all. So many people make Good Resolutions and never +carry them out, therefore if there were no place where you could +dispose of them they would be wasted." + +"But Bad Resolutions? Nobody makes Bad Resolutions--at least they ought +not to, and I don't believe it is true!" + +"Pardon me," interrupted the Zankiwank. "If you make a Good Resolution +and don't carry it out--doesn't it become a Bad Resolution? Answer me +that." + +This, however, was an aspect of the question that had never occurred to +them, and they were unable to reply. + +"It seems to me to be nonsense--and worse than nonsense--for one brother +to deal in Bad Resolutions and the other in Good Resolutions. Why do not +they become a Firm and mix the two together?" responded Maude. + +"You horrify me! Mix the Good and the Bad together? That would never do. +The Best Resolutions in the world would be contaminated if they were all +warehoused under one roof. Besides, the Wimble is himself full of Good +Resolutions, so that he can mingle with the Bad without suffering any +evil, while the Wamble is differently constituted!" + +The children did not understand the Zankiwank's argument a bit--it all +seemed so ridiculous. A sudden thought occurred to Willie. + +"Who, then, collects the Resolutions?" + +"Oh, a person of no Resolution whatever. He commenced life with only one +Resolution, and he lost it, or it got mislaid, or he never made use of +it, or something equally unfortunate, and so he was christened Want of +Resolution, and he does the collecting work very well, considering all +things." + +No doubt the Zankiwank knew what he was talking about, but as the +children did not--what did it signify? Therefore they asked no more +questions, but went along the street marvelling at all they saw. The +next shop at which they stopped was kept by + + JORUMGANDER THE YOUNGER, + DEALER IN MAGIC AND MYSTERY. + +"Jorumgander the Younger is not of much use now," said the Zankiwank +sorrowfully. "He chiefly aims at making a mystery of everything, but so +many people not engaged in trade make a mystery of nothing every day, +that he is sadly handicapped. And most sensible people hate a mystery of +any kind, unless it belongs to themselves, so that he finds customers +very shy. Once upon a time he would get hold of a simple story and turn +it into such a gigantic mystery that all the world would be mystified. +But those happy days are gone, and he thinks of turning his business +into a company to sell Original Ideas, when he knows where to find +them." + +"I don't see what good can come of making a mystery of +anything--especially if anything is true," sagaciously remarked +Maude. + +"But _anything_ is not true. Nor is _anything_ untrue. There is the +difficulty. If anything were true, nothing would be untrue, and then +where should we be?" + +"Nowhere," said Willie without thinking. + +"Exactly. That is just where we are now, and a very nice place it is. +There is one thing, however, that Jorumgander the Younger--there he is +with the pink eye-brows and green nose. Don't say anything about his +personal appearance. What I was going to say he will say instead. It is +a habit we have occasionally. He is my grandfather, you know." + +"Your grandfather! What! that young man? Why, he is not more than +twenty-two and three quarters, I'm sure," replied Maude. + +"You are right. He _is_ twenty-two and three quarters. You don't quite +understand our relationships. The boy, as you have no doubt heard, is +father to the man. Very well. I am the man. When he was a boy on my +aunt's side he was father to me. That's plain enough. He has grown older +since then, though he is little more than a boy in discretion still, +therefore he is my grandfather." + +"How very absurdly you do talk, Mr Zankiwank," laughed Willie; "but here +is your grandfather," and at that moment Jorumgander the Younger left +his shop and approached them with a case of pens which he offered for +sale. + +"Try my Magic Pens. They are the best in the market, because there are +no others. There is no demand for them, and few folk will have them for +a gift. Therefore I can highly recommend them." + +[Illustration] + +"How can you recommend your pens, when you declare that nobody will buy +them?" demanded Willie. + +"Because they are a novelty. They are Magic Pens, you know, and of +course as nobody possesses any, they must be rare. That is logic, I +think." + +"Buy one," said the Zankiwank, "he has not had any supper yet." + +"In what way are they Magic Pens?" enquired Maude. + +"Ah! I thought I should find a customer between Michaelmas and May Day," +cried Jorumgander the Younger, quite cheerfully. "The beauty of these +pens is that they never tell a story." + +"But suppose you want to write a story?" + +"That is a different thing. If you have the ability to write a story you +won't want a Magic Pen. These pens are only for every-day use. For +example: if you want to write to your charwoman to tell her you have got +the toothache, and you haven't got the toothache, the Magic Pen refuses +to lend itself to telling a--a----" + +"Crammer," suggested Willie. + +"Crammer. Thank you. I don't know what it means, but crammer is the +correct word. The Magic Pen will simplify the truth whether you wish to +tell it or not." + +"I do not understand," whispered Maude. + +"Let me try to explain," said Jorumgander the Younger politely. "The +Magic Pen will only write exactly what you think--what is in your mind, +what you ought to say, whether you wish to or not." + +"A very useful article, I am sure," said the Zankiwank. "I gave six +dozen away last Christmas, but nobody used them after a few days, and I +can't think why." + +"Ah!" sighed Jorumgander the Younger, "and I have had all my stock +returned on my hands. The first day I opened my shop I sold more than I +can remember. And the next morning all the purchasers came and wanted +their money back. They said if they wanted to tell the truth, they knew +how to do it, and did not want to be taught by an evil-disposed nib. But +I am afraid they were not speaking the truth then, at any rate. Here, +let me make you a present of one a-piece, and you can write and tell me +all about yourselves when you go home. Meanwhile, as the streets are +crowded, and our policeman is not looking, let us sing a quiet song to +celebrate the event." + + We sing of the Magic Pen + That never tells a story, + That in the hands of men + Would lead them on to glory. + For what you ought to do, + And you should all be saying, + In fact of all things true + This pen will be bewraying. + + So let us sing a roundelay-- + Pop goes the Weazel; + Treacle's four pence a pound to-day, + Which we think should please all. + +What the chorus had to do with the song nobody knew, but they all sang +it--everybody in the street, and all the customers in the shops as well, +and even the policeman sang the last line. + + You take it in your hand + And set yourself a-writing; + No matter what you've planned, + The truth 'twill be inditing. + And thus you cannot fail, + To speak your mind correctly, + And honestly you'll sail, + But never indirectly. + + So let us sing a roundelay-- + Pop goes the Weazel; + Treacle's four pence a pound to-day, + Which we think will please all! + +Again everybody danced and sang till the policeman told them to "move +on," when Jorumgander the Younger put up his shutters and went away. + + * * * * * + +"A most original man," exclaimed the Zankiwank; "he ought to have been a +postman!" + +"A postman!--why?" + +"Because he was always such a capital boy with his letters. He knew his +alphabet long before he could spell, and now he knows every letter you +can think of." + +"I don't see anything very original in that," said Willie. "There are +only twenty-six letters in the English language that he can know!" + +"Only twenty-six letters! Dear me, why millions of people are writing +fresh letters every day, and he knows them all directly he sees them! I +hope you will go to school some day and learn differently from that! +Only twenty-six letters," repeated the Zankiwank in wonderment, "only +twenty-six letters." Then he cried suddenly, "How convenient it would be +if everybody was his own Dictionary!" + +[Illustration] + +"That is impossible. One cannot be a book." + +"Oh yes, nothing simpler. Let everybody choose his own words and give +his own meaning to them!" + +"What use would that be?" asked Willie. + +"None whatever, because if you always had your own meaning you would +not want anybody else to be meaning anything! What a lot of trouble that +would save! I'll ask the Jackarandajam to make one for me--why, here he +is!" + +The children recognised the Jackarandajam immediately and shook hands +with him. + +"I am so glad to see you all. I have just been suffering from a most +severe attack of Inspiration." + +"How very inexplicable--I beg your pardon," moaned the Zankiwank. "It is +a little difficult, but it is, I believe, a strictly proper word--though +I do not pretend to know its meaning." + +The Jackarandajam accepted the apology by gracefully bowing, though +neither felt quite at ease. + +"What is the use of saying things you don't mean?" asked Maude. + +"None at all, that is the best of it, because we are always doing +something without any reason." + +To attempt to argue with the Zankiwank Maude knew was futile, so she +merely enquired how the Jackarandajam felt after his attack of +Inspiration, and what he took for it. + +"Nothing," was the simple rejoinder. "It comes and it goes, and there +you are--at least most of the time." + +"What is Inspiration?" said Willie. + +The Zankiwank and the Jackarandajam both shook their heads in a solemn +manner, and looked as wise as the Sphinx. Then the former answered +slowly and deliberately-- + +"Inspiration is the sort of thing that comes when you do not fish for +it." + +"But," said Willie, who did not quite see the force of the explanation, +"you can't fish for a great many things and of course nothing comes. How +do you manage then?" + +This was a decided poser, beating them at their own game, so the +Zankiwank sent another telegram, presumably to the Bletherwitch, and the +Jackarandajam made a fresh cigarette, which he carefully refrained from +smoking. Then he turned to the two children and said mournfully-- + +"Have you seen my new invention? Ah! it was the result of my recent +attack of Inspiration. Come with me and I will show you." Thereupon he +led the way to a large square, with a nice garden in the centre, where +all the houses had bills outside to inform the passers by that these + + DESIRABLE REVOLVING RESIDENCES + WERE TO BE + LET OR SOLD. + +"All my property. I had the houses built myself from my own plans. Come +inside the first." + +So they followed the Jackarandajam and entered the first house. + +"The great advantage of these houses," he declared, "is that you can +turn them round to meet the sun at will. They are constructed on a new +principle, being fixed on a pivot. You see I turn this handle by the +hall door, and Hey Presto! we are looking into the back garden, while +the kitchen is round at the front!" + +And such was the fact! The house would move any way one wished simply by +turning the electric handle. + +"It is so convenient, you see, if you don't want to be at home to any +visitor. When you see anyone coming up the garden path, you move the +crank and away you go, and your visitor, to his well-bred consternation, +finds himself gazing in at the kitchen window. And then he naturally +departs with many misgivings as to the state of his health. Especially +if the cook is taken by surprise. You should never take a cook by +surprise. It always spoils her photograph." + +"Oh dear! Oh dear!" cried Maude, "why will you say such contradictory +things! I don't see the sense of having such a house at all. It would +upset things so." + +"Besides," chimed in Willie, "you would never have any aspect or +prospect." + +"Are they both good to eat?" said the Jackarandajam, eagerly. + +"Of course not. I meant that your house would first be facing the East, +and then South, and then West, and then North, and what would be the use +of that?" + +"No use whatever. That's why we do it. Oh, but do not laugh. We are not +quite devoid of reason, because we are all mad!" + +"Are you really mad?" + +"Yes," was the gay response, "we don't mind it a bit. We are all as +crooked as a teetotaler's corkscrew! I am glad you do not like the +Revolving Houses, because I am going to sell them to the Clerk of the +Weather and his eight new assistants!" + +"I did not know the Clerk of the Weather required any assistance," +exclaimed Willie, though personally he did not know the Clerk of the +Weather. + +"Oh yes, he must have assistants. He does things so badly, and with +eight more he will, if he is careful, do them worse." + +Here was another one of those contradictions that the children could not +understand. I hope you can't, because I don't myself, generally. The +Jackarandajam went on reflectively:-- + +"It is bound to happen. The Clerk of the Weather has only one +assistant now, and it takes the two of them to do a Prog--Prog--don't +interrupt me--a Prog--Prognostication!--phew, what a beautiful +word!--Prognostication ten minutes now. Therefore it stands to reason, +as the Sun Dial remarked, that nine could do it in much less time!" + +"You will excuse me," halloed the Zankiwank down the next door +dining-room chimney, "I beg to differ from you. That is to say on the +contrary. For instance:--If it takes two people ten minutes to do a +prog--you must fill in the rest yourself--prog--of course, as there are +so many more to do the same thing, it must take them forty-five +minutes." + +"What a brain," exclaimed the Jackarandajam, ecstatically; "he ought to +have been born a Calculating Machine. He beats Euclid and that fellow +named Smith on all points. I never thought of it in the light of +multiplying the addition." + +[Illustration] + +"More nonsense," observed Willie to Maude. "What does it all mean?" They +looked out of window and saw the Zankiwank arguing with the Clerk of +the Weather and the Weather Cock on top of the vane of a large building +outside. Every minute they expected to see them tumble down, but they +did not, so to cheer them up the Jackarandajam stood on his head and +sang them this comic song:-- + + +THE CLERK OF THE WEATHER. + + The Clerk of the Weather went out to walk + All down Victoria Street; + Of late his ways had caused much talk, + And chatter indiscreet. + So he donned a suit of mingled sleet, + With a dash of falling snow, + A rainy tie, and a streaky skye + Which barked where'er he'd go. + +Then, to the surprise of Willie and Maude, the Jackarandajam began to +dance wildly, while the Weather Cock sang as follows:-- + + O cock-a-doodle-doo! + The weather will be fine-- + If it does not sleet or hail or snow, + And if it does not big guns blow, + And the sun looks out to shine. + +The Jackarandajam stood on his head again and sang the second verse:-- + + Wrapt up in his thoughts he went along, + His manner sad and crossed; + With a windy strain he hummed a song, + Of thunderbolts and frost. + He strode with a Barometrical stride, + With forecasts on his brow; + Till he tripped up Short upon a slide, + Which made him vow a vow. + +The Weather Cock at once sang the chorus and the Jackarandajam danced as +before. + + O Cock-a-doodle-doo! + The weather will be fine-- + If there is no fog, or drenching rain, + And thunder does not boom again, + And the sun looks out to shine. + +Now came the third and last verse:-- + + His prophesies got all mixed and mulled, + The Moon began to blink; + And all his faculties were dulled + When he saw the Dog Star wink! + And up on the steeple tall and black + The Weather Cock he crew! + He crew and he crowed till he fell in the road, + O cock-a-doodle-doo! + +And sure enough the Weather Cock did tumble into the road, and the Clerk +of the Weather and the Zankiwank tumbled helter skelter after him. +Immediately they got up again and rushed through the window, and +catching hold of the children, they whirled them round and round, +singing the final chorus all together:-- + + O cock-a-doodle-doo! + The weather will be fine-- + If lightning does not flash on high, + Nor gloomy be the azure sky, + And the sun peeps out to shine. + +After which they all disappeared except the Zankiwank, and once again +they found themselves in the street. + +"They were both wrong," muttered the Zankiwank to himself, "and yet one +was right." + +"How could they both be wrong then? One was right? Very well. Then only +one was wrong," corrected Maude. + +"No, they were both wrong--because I was the right one after all. +Besides, you can't always prove a negative, can you?" + +"How tiresome of you! You only mentioned two and now say three. I do not +believe you know what you do mean." + +"Not often, sometimes, by accident, you know--only do not tell anybody +else." + +"You are certainly very extraordinary persons--that is all I can say," +said Willie. "You do not do anything quite rationally or naturally." + +[Illustration] + +"Naturally. Why should we? We are the great Middle Classes--neither +alive nor dead. Betwixt and between. Half and half, you know, for now we +are in the Spirit World only known to poets and children. But do come +along, or the bicycles will start without us, and we have an appointment +to keep." + +Now, how could one even try to tell such an eccentric creature as the +Zankiwank that he was all wrong and talking fables and fibs and +tarra-diddles? Neither of them attempted to correct these erroneous +ideas, but wondering where they were going next, Maude and Willie +mounted the bicycles that came as if by magic, and rode off at a +terrific rate, though they had never ridden a machine before. + +They were almost out of breath when the Zankiwank called out "stop," and +away went the bicycles, and they found themselves standing in front of +an immense edifice with a sign-board swinging from the gambrel roof, on +which was painted in large golden letters-- + + TIME WAS MEANT FOR SLAVES. + +There was no opportunity to ascertain what the sign meant, for all at +once there darted out of the shop Mr Swinglebinks with whom they had +travelled from Charing Cross. + +"Don't waste your time like that! Make haste, let me have five minutes. +I am in a hurry." + +"Have you got five minutes to spare?" asked the Zankiwank of Maude. + +"Oh yes," she replied. "Why?" + +"Let me have them at once then. A gentleman left twenty-five minutes +behind him yesterday and I want to make up half-an-hour for a regular +customer!" screamed Mr Swinglebinks to the bewildered children. + +"But--but--O what do you mean? I have got five minutes to spare and I'll +devote them to you if you like, but I _can't_ give them to you as though +they were a piece of toffee," answered Maude with much perplexity, while +Willie stood awe-struck, not comprehending Mr Swinglebinks in the least. + +"Time is a tough customer, you know. He is here, he is there, he is +gone! He is, he was, he will be. Yet you cannot trap Time, for he is +like a sunbeam," muttered the Zankiwank as though he never was short of +Time. + +"There, that five minutes is gone--wasted, passed into the vast vacuum +of eternity! With my friend Shakespeare of Stratford-on-Avon I can tell +you all about time! 'Time travels in divers paces with divers persons. +I'll tell you who Time ambles withal, who Time trots withal, who Time +gallops withal, and who he stands still withal!' Oh, I know Father Time +and all his tricks. I have counted the Sands of Time. I supply him with +his Hour Glass. Don't you apprehend me?" + +They certainly did not. Mr Swinglebinks was more mystifying than all the +other persons they had encountered put together. So they made no reply. + +"I am collecting Time. Time, so my copy books told me, was meant for +Slaves. I always felt sorry for the Slaves. They have no Time, you know, +because it is meant for them. Lots of things are meant for you, only you +won't get them. Britons never will be Slaves, so they'll never want for +Time. However, as Time was meant for Slaves, I mean to let them have as +much as I can. So every spare minute or two I can get, I of course send +them over to them." + +"It is ridiculous. You cannot measure time and cut off a bit like that," +ventured Willie. + +"Oh yes, you can. A client of mine was laid up the other day--in fact he +was in bed for a fortnight, so, as he had no use for the time he had on +hand before him, he just went to sleep and sent ten days round to me!" + +"Oh, Mr Zankiwank, what is this gentleman saying?" said Maude. + +"It's all perfectly true," answered the Zankiwank. "You often hear of +somebody who has half an hour to spare, don't you?" + +"Of course." + +"Very good. Sometimes you will hear, too, of somebody who has lost ten +minutes." + +"I see," said Willie. + +"And somebody else will tell you they do not know what to do with their +Time?" + +"Go on," cried both children, more puzzled than ever. + +"Well, instead of letting all the Time be wasted, Mr Swinglebinks has +opened his exchange to receive all the spare time he can, and this he +distributes amongst those who want an hour or a day or a week. But they +have to pay for it----" + +"Pay for it?" + +"Time is money," called out Mr Swinglebinks. + +"There you are. If Time is money you can exchange Time for money and +money for Time. Is not that feasible?" + +Did anybody ever hear of such queer notions? Maude and Willie were quite +tired through trying to think the matter out. + +Time was meant for slaves.--Time is money.--Time and Tide +wait for no man.--Take Time when Time is.--Take Time by the +forelock.--Procrastination is the thief of Time.--Killing Time is no +murder.--Saving Time is no crime. As quick as thought Mr Swinglebinks +exhibited these statements on his swinging sign, one after the other, +and then he came to them once again. + +"Are you convinced now? Let me have a quarter of an hour to send to the +poor slaves. Time was meant for them, you know, and you are using their +property without acknowledgment!" + +The Zankiwank looked on as wise as an owl, but said nothing. + +"Dear me, how you are wasting your time sitting there doing nothing!" +said Mr Swinglebinks distractedly. "Time is money--Time is money. Give +me some of the Time you are losing." + +[Illustration] + +"Let us go, Willie," said Maude. "Do not waste any more Time. We have no +Time to lose, let alone time to spare! Shall we kill Time?" + +She had barely finished speaking when Mr Swinglebinks and his Time +Exchange disappeared, and they were alone with the Zankiwank. But not +for long, for almost immediately a troop of school children came +bounding home from school, but children with the oddest heads and faces +ever seen. They were all carrying miniature bellows in their hands, +which they were working up and down with great energy. + +[Illustration] + +"Oh, Mr Zankiwank, what is the matter with those children in short +frocks and knickerbockers? Look at their heads!" + +The Zankiwank gazed, but expressed no surprise, and yet the children, if +they were children, certainly looked very queer, for the boys had got +aged, care-worn faces with moustaches and whiskers, while the little +girls, in frocks just reaching to their knees, had women's faces, with +their hair done up in plaits and chignons and Grecian knot fashion, with +elderly bonnets perched on the top. + +"That," said the Zankiwank, "is the force of habit." + +"What habit, please? It does not suit them," said Maude. + +"You are mistaken. Good habits become second nature." + +"And what do bad habits become?" queried Willie. + +"Bad habits," answered the Zankiwank severely, "become no one." + +"And these must be bad habits," exclaimed Willie, pointing to the +children, "for they do not become them." + +"I thought their clothes fitted them very well." + +"We don't mean their clothes," cried Maude. "We mean their general +appearance." + +"Ah! you are referring to the unnatural history aspect of the case. You +mean their heads, of course. They do _not_ fit properly. I have noticed +it myself. It comes of expecting too much, and overdoing it; it is all +the result of what so many people are fond of doing--putting old heads +on young shoulders." + +So the mystery was out. The old heads were unmistakably on young +shoulders. And how very absurd the children looked! Not a bit like happy +girls and boys, as they would have been had they possessed their own +heads instead of over-grown and over-developed minds and brains. Old +heads never do look well on young shoulders, and it is very foolish of +people to think they do. It makes them children of a larger growth +before their time, and is just as bad as having young heads on old +shoulders. The moral of which is, that you should never be older than +you are nor younger than you are not. + +"But what are they doing with those bellows?" enquired Willie and Maude +together. + +"Raising the wind," promptly responded the Zankiwank, "or trying to. +When folk grow old before their time you will generally find that it is +owing to the bother they had in raising the wind to keep the pot +boiling." + +"But you don't keep the pot boiling with wind," they protested. + +"Oh yes you do, in Topsy-Turvey Land, though personally I believe it to +be most unright!" + +"Un--what?" exclaimed Maude. + +"Unright. When a thing is wrong it must be unright. Just the same as +when a thing is right it is unwrong." + +While the Zankiwank was giving this very lucid explanation the "Old +heads on young shoulders" children went sedately and mournfully away, +just as a complete train of newspaper carts dashed up to a large +establishment with these words printed outside-- + + ATNAGAGDLINTIT RALINGINGINARMIK + LUSARUMINASSUMIK. + +"Good gracious, what awful looking words! It surely must be Welsh?" The +two children put the question to the Zankiwank. + +"No, that is not Welsh. That is the way the Esquimaux of Greenland +speak. It is the name of their paper, and means something to read, +interesting news of all sorts. But in this newspaper they never print +any news of any sort. They supply the paper to the Topsy-Turveyites +every morning quite blank, so that you can provide yourself with your +own news. Being perfectly blank, the editors succeed in pleasing all +their subscribers." + +[Illustration] + +"Well, I do not see any advantage in that." + +"There you go again!" cried the Zankiwank. "You always want something +with an advantage. What's the use of an advantage, I should like to +know? You can only lose it. You cannot give it away. Do try to be +original. But listen, Nobody's coming." + +They both looked round wondering what the Zankiwank meant by his strange +perversities, but could not see anyone. + +"We can see Nobody," they said. + +"Of course. Here he is!" + +Well! Was it a shadow? Something was there without a doubt, and +certainly without a body. It was a sort of skeleton, or a ghost, or +perhaps a Mahatma! But it was not a Mahatma--it was in fact Nobody, of +whom you have of course heard. + +"At last, at last!" screamed the delighted Zankiwank, "with your eyes +wide open and your faculties unimpaired you see NOBODY! And what a +memory Nobody has!" + +"How can Nobody have a memory? Besides, we can see Nobody!" said Maude, +more perplexed than she had ever been. + +"Exactly, Nobody has a charming memory. Memory, as you know, is the +sense you forget with it!" + +"Memory," corrected Willie, "is the sense, if it is a sense, or +impression you remember with." + +"Oh, what dreadful Grammar! Remember with! How can you finish a sentence +with a preposition? What do you remember with it?" demanded the +Zankiwank reprovingly. + +"Anything--everything you want to," replied Willie. + +"Another preposition! Ah, if we could only remember as easily as we +forget!" + +"You are wandering from the subject," suggested Maude. "The subject is +Nobody, and you have told us nothing about it." + +"H'm," said the Zankiwank. "You have confessed that you can see Nobody, +therefore I will request him to sing you a topical song. Now keep your +attention earnestly directed towards Nobody and listen." + +Knowing from past experience that the Zankiwank would have his own way, +Maude and Willie, having no one else to think about, thought of Nobody, +and to their amazement they heard these words sung as from a long way +off, in a very hollow tone of voice:-- + + +NOBODY'S NOTHING TO NOBODY. + + O Nobody's Nothing to Nobody, + And yet he is something too; + Though No-body's No-Body it yet is so odd he + Always finds nothing to do! + + When Nobody does nothing wrong, + They say it is the cat; + Though Nobody be long and strong + And very likely fat. + His name is heard from morn till night, + He's known in ev'ry place; + He does the deeds that are unright, + Though no one sees his face. + + Nobody broke the Dresden vase, + Nobody ate the cream; + Nobody smashed that pipe of pa's,-- + It happened in a dream. + Nobody lost Sophia's doll, + Nobody fired Jim's gun; + Nobody nearly choked poor Poll-- + Nobody saw it done! + + Nobody cracks the china cups, + Nobody steals the spoons; + Nobody in the kitchen sups, + Or talks of honeymoons! + Nobody courts the parlour-maid, + She told us so herself! + That Nobody, I'm much afraid, + Is quite a tricky elf. + + For Nobody is any one, + That must be very clear; + Yet Nobody's a constant dun, + Though no one saw him here. + As Nobody is ever seen + In Anybody's shape, + Nobody must be epicene + And very like an ape! + + For Nobody's Nothing to Nobody, + And yet he is something too; + Though No-body's No-Body it yet is so odd he + Always finds nothing to do! + +Just as the song was finished, the Zankiwank cried out in alarm-- + +"There's Somebody coming." + +And Nobody disappeared at once, for the children saw Nobody go! + +"And now," said the Zankiwank, "we may expect the Griffin from Temple +Bar and the Phoenix from Arabia." + +A dark shadow enveloped the square in which they were standing; then +there was a weird perfume of damp fireworks and saltpetre, and before +any one could say Guy Fawkes, the Phoenix rose from his own funeral pyre +of faded frankincense, mildewed myrrh, and similar luxuries, and flapped +his wings vigorously, just as the Griffin jumped off his pedestal, which +he had brought with him, and piped out-- + +"Here we are again!" + +"Once in a thousand years," responded the Phoenix somewhat hoarsely, for +he had nearly swallowed some of his own ashes. + +The Griffin, as everybody knows, is shaped like an eagle from its legs +to the shoulder and the head, while the rest of his body is like that of +a lion. The Phoenix is also very much like an intelligent eagle, with +gold and crimson plumage and an exceptionally waggish tail. It has the +advantage of fifty orifices in his bill, through which he occasionally +sings melodious songs to oblige the company. As he never appears to +anyone more than once in five hundred years, sometimes, when he has the +toothache for instance, only once in a thousand years--which is why he +is called a rara avis--if you ever meet him at any time take particular +notice of him. And if you can draw, if it is only the long bow, make a +sketch of him. He lives chiefly on poets--which is why so many refer to +him. He has been a good friend to the poets of all ages, as your cousin +William will explain. If you have not got a cousin William, ask some one +who has. + +[Illustration] + +Not having the gift of speech, neither of them spoke, but they could +sing, and this is what they intended to say, duet-wise:-- + + I am a sacred bird, you know, + And I am a Griffin bold; + In Arabia the blest + We feather our own nest, + To keep us from the cold. + + And we're so very fabulous-- + Oh, that's the Griffin straight! + We rise up from the flames, + To play old classic games, + Like a Phoenix up-to-date! + +Then they spread out their wings and executed the most diverting feather +dance ever seen out of a pantomime. + + I am a watchful bird, you know, + And I am a Phoenix smart; + From Shakespeare unto Jones-- + The Welsh one--who intones, + We have played a striking part. + For we're so very mystical, + Both off-springs of the brain; + The Mongoose is our _pere_, + And the Nightmare is our _mere_, + And we thrive on Fiction Plain! + +They repeated their dance and then knocked at the door of the nearest +house and begged pantomimically for money, but as it was washing day +they were refused. So they went into the cook shop and had some Irish +Stew, which did not agree with them. Consequently they sprang into the +hash that was simmering on the fire, and were seen no more. Whereupon +the Zankiwank looked gooseberrily out of his eyes and murmured as if +nothing out of the way or in the way had happened, or the Phoenix or the +Griffin had existed--"The Bletherwitch will send me a telegram to say +that she will be ready for the ceremony in half-an-hour." + +"But where is the Bletherwitch, and how do you know?" asked Maude, +somewhat incredulously. + +"She is being arrayed for the marriage celebration. At present she is in +Spain gathering Spanish onions." + +"But Spanish onions don't come from Spain!" + +"You are right. It is pickled walnuts she is gathering from the Boot +Tree in the scullery. However, that is of no consequence. Let us be +joyful as befits the occasion. Who has got any crackers?" + +[Illustration] + +Before any reply could be given a voice in the air screamed +out:--"Beware of the Nargalnannacus!" At which the Zankiwank +trembled and the whole place seemed to rock to and fro. + +"What _is_ the Nargalnannacus?" + +"It's a noun!" + +"How do you mean?" + +"A noun is the name of a person, place or thing, I believe?" + +"It was yesterday." + +"It is to-day. And that is what the Nargalnannacus is. He, She, or It is +a person, place or thing, and it travels about, and that is all I know +of it. Nobody has ever seen a Nargalnannacus, and nobody ever will, not +a real, proper, authen----" + +"Authenticated," assisted Maude. + +"Thank you--authenticated one. Directly they do they turn yellow and +green, and are seen no more." + +"What are we to do then?" anxiously enquired Willie. + +"The best that offers. We have been expecting an outbreak for a long +time, and here comes the Court Physician, Dr Pampleton, to happily +confirm my worst suspicions!" + +The children thought it extremely odd that having one's worst suspicions +confirmed should make any person happy. But they were accustomed to the +Zankiwank's curious modes of speech and lack of logic, so that they +wisely held their tongues in silence. The newcomer was of very +remarkable appearance. He was tall and slim like the Zankiwank, but +instead of having the ordinary shaped head and face, he carried on his +shoulders a sheep's head, and in his veins (so they heard afterwards) +ran sheep's blood. At one period of his existence he had been well-known +for his wool-gathering propensities, and he was now strongly recommended +as being able to commit more mistakes and blunders in half-an-hour than +a school boy could in a whole school term. He had one great virtue, +however, and that was that he would always instantly apologise for any +error he might make. + +[Illustration] + +He never travelled without his medicine chest, which he carried by +straps over his shoulders, and was prepared to give anybody a dose of +physic without the slightest provocation at double charges. + +"There is danger ahead," he whispered to the Zankiwank, "and a lot of +visitors are coming to fight to the bitter end." + +"Tell me their names," cried the Zankiwank excitedly. Whereupon, Dr +Pampleton recited them as follows, the Zankiwank groaning as each +cognomen was uttered:-- + + "The Wollypog" (_groan_) + "The Fustilug" (_groan_) + "What's-His-Name" (_groan_) + "Thing'um-a-Bob" (_groan_) + and + "The Woogabblewabble Bogglewoggle and all his Court." + +The last was too much for the Zankiwank, for he immediately climbed to +the top of the tallest steeple in the town, saying with much +discretion:-- + +"I will see that all is fair. I will be the judge." + +Maude had only just got time to eat some of the Fern Seeds she had saved +from what Robin Goodfellow had given her, and to give some to Willie, +when a rushing as of many waters and a roaring as of the bursting of +several gasometers were heard, and a noise of some two or three hundred +tramping soldiers smote upon their ears, and they knew that something +dreadful was going to happen. As the Bogglewoggle and the Wollypog and +all the others came upon the scene, both the children recognised them, +from what they had once read in a fairy book, as being the monsters of +the Secret Cavern. + +It was not going to be a battle, as they could see--it was only to be a +quiet fight between the important folk of the Secret Cavern and Topsy +Turvey Land. The Jorumgander was there, and so was the Jackarandajam and +Mr Swinglebinks and all the others they had been introduced to. The +Bogglewoggle was particularly noisy in calling out for the Zankiwank, +but as he was engaged to be married, of course he could not risk his +life just for the mere whim of a dragon, who was setting everything +alight with his torch-like tail. + +And then they all commenced to fight--cutting, slashing and crashing +each other with double-edged swords, while the inhabitants applauded and +the bands played the "Conquering Hero," although there was not any +creature who conquered, that one could distinguish. It was a terrible +sight. They never ceased for a minute, but went on cutting each other to +pieces until at last they all lay dead upon the ground. No one was left +alive to tell the awful news but the Zankiwank and Dr Pampleton. And +what was most remarkable about the fight was that it was all done out of +pure friendship--but friendship does not seem to be much good when all +your friends are scattered about, as these were. Heads and arms and legs +everywhere, and there certainly did not appear to be much hope of their +ever being able to do any more damage. + +The Zankiwank crept cautiously down from his pinnacle and joined Dr +Pampleton. + +"Our friends are very much cut up," said Dr Pampleton. + +"What is to be done?" the Zankiwank enquired. + +"Done? Why, with my special elixir I shall bring them all to life +again," said the Court Physician promptly. + +"Will you? Can you?" + +"Of course. You get all the bodies and lay them in a line. I'll gather +up the heads and stick 'em on with elastic glue. Then you find the arms +and legs and we will soon have them ready for another bout." + +So the Zankiwank sent the rest of the populace, that had been looking +on, indoors to get their tea, while he set to work and did as that +absurd old Doctor instructed him. + +[Illustration] + +Willie and Maude could scarcely keep their eyes open, but they were so +interested in the proceedings that they managed to see that the Court +Physician with his usual foresight was sticking the heads on the wrong +bodies, and the arms and legs he put on just as they were handed to him, +left on the right, and right on the left, and no one individual got +his own proper limbs fastened to him. + +It was the funniest thing they had ever seen--better than any pantomime, +for sure enough they all came to life again, and naturally, seeing +another person's arms and legs on their bodies, they imagined themselves +to be somebody else entirely. And then ensued the most deafening +confusion conceivable, each one accusing the other of having robbed him +in his sleep, for they were under the impression that they had been to +bed in a strange place--and so they had. + +It was the grandest transformation scene ever witnessed. The Zankiwank +was in deep distress, but Dr Pampleton was in high glee and laughed +immoderately. + +"Such a funny mistake to make!" he crowed hysterically to the hopping, +hobbling, jumping crowd of monsters and dwarfs, who were glaring at each +other in a very savage manner. + +"I beg your pardon--my fault--all lie down again, and I will cut you up +once more and put you together correctly this time," said the Court +Physician pleasantly. + +"So!" they all bellowed in chorus, "it is you who have done all this +mischief. Come on! We will soon rectify your blunder," and with a swish +and a swirl they made one simultaneous movement towards the unfortunate +Pampleton, and once again Pandemonium was let loose, when high above the +din the voice of the Zankiwank was heard calling upon them to have +patience and not to disturb the harmony, as the Bletherwitch had arrived +at last. Meanwhile everybody rushed madly down the street after the +Court Physician. + +But the children could see nothing now. Everything was growing dim and +dimmer, and the scene was fading, fading away into a blue light. And the +last they heard was the Zankiwank speaking tenderly to the Bletherwitch, +whom they were not destined to see after all, and saying:-- + +"Oh, my sweet Blethery, Blethery Bletherwitch! What a Bletherwitching +little thing you are!" + +Then there was a rumbling and a tumbling, and something stopped +suddenly. A light was flashed before their eyes, and hey presto! there +was John opening the carriage door for them to get out, and wonder of +wonders, there were their dear mother and father standing in the hall of +their own home waiting to receive them. And presently they were being +kissed and caressed and petted because, as Mary their nurse said, they +had slept in the carriage all the way home from the visit to their +grandmama. + +[Illustration] + +This, however, they stoutly denied. They knew better than that, and told +their parents of all their adventures, which, as they declared, if they +were not true they ought to be, and so they said goodnight and dreamt +their dreams, if they were dreams, all over again. + + +THE END. + + +TURNBULL & SPEARS, PRINTERS, EDINBURGH. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Zankiwank and The Bletherwitch, by +S. J. 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