diff options
Diffstat (limited to '37078.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 37078.txt | 1825 |
1 files changed, 1825 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/37078.txt b/37078.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..460aa45 --- /dev/null +++ b/37078.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1825 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93., +October 22, 1887, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93., October 22, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 14, 2011 [EBook #37078] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 93. + + + +October 22nd, 1887. + + + + +MR. PUNCH'S MANUAL FOR YOUNG RECITERS. + +[Illustration:] + +As has been observed earlier in this series, the Amateur Reciter is +influenced by a natural ambition to harrow his audience to the best of +his ability. + +And, be it said, the average audience is not at all averse to being +harrowed--provided this is done with any science and refinement. When +persons are met together for social enjoyment, nothing apparently +affords them keener pleasure than a performance which produces certain +peculiar sensations, such as the feeling of partial want of control +over the facial nerves, smarting behind the eyes, increasing +obstruction in the throat, and a general conviction that, unless +something occurs to make them laugh at once, they will be irresistibly +compelled to sob like so many seals. It is, perhaps, a little odd--but +the taste exists, and must be taken into account. The sole drawbacks +are that, too often, the means adopted to secure the desired result +depend more than should be upon sentiment which might almost be +described as false; that the incidents occasionally have too little +relation to real life; and that, what might have proved eminently +touching, is marred by some involuntary association with the ludicrous +and grotesque. In his anxiety to preserve his pupils from such +pitfalls as these, _Mr. Punch_ offers an example in which the +blemishes he has hinted at have been sedulously avoided. It is at once +homely, wholesome, and tear-compelling--like the common onion. You +will find you produce a favourable impression at once by announcing it +as,-- + +POSITIVELY THE LAST PERFORMANCE! + +(_You must come on with a general suggestion in your manner that +you are supposed to be the proprietor of an itinerant Cat and Canary +Troupe. Begin with a slow and somewhat depressed shake of the head, as +if in answer to imaginary inquirer._) + + No, we ain't performin' to-day, Sir, and the boys are all on the + gape + At seem' the mice in mournin', and the cats in chokers o' crape; + But I'm giving the Show a rest, d'ye see? for I didn't feel up to + the job, + (_Pause--then subdued_) For my leadin' comejian's left me, Sir-- + (_Explanatory, perceiving you are not understood_)--the brindle + kinairy--(_more impatiently_) Bob! + What, ye don't remember? (_Surprise._) Not him as wore the toonic + o' Turkey red? + What rode in a gilded kerridge with a 'at an' plumes on his 'ed? + And, as soon as we'd taken a tanner, 'ud fire a saloot from the + gun? [_Excitedly._ + There was Talent inside o' that bird, there was, or I never see it + in one! + (_Philosophic bitterness._) Well, he's soon forgot--but I've often + thought as a + _fish_ keeps longer than Fame! + (_Sudden comprehension and restored cordiality._) Oh, ye didn't + know him as _Bob_?... I see--no, that were his _private_ + name. + I used to announce him in public on a more long-winded-er scale-- + I christened him "Gineral Moultky," (_apologetically_) which he + _'ad_ rather gone at the tail; + And a bird more popilar never performed on a peripathetic stage, + He was allers sure of a round of applause as soon as he quitted + the cage! + For he thoroughly hentered into the part he was down for to play, + And he never got "fluffy" nor "queered the pitch,"--leastwise, + till the hother day. + I thought he'd bin hoverexertin' hisself, and 'ud better be out of + the bill, + But it wasn't till yesterday hevenin I'd any ideer he was _ill_! + Then I see he was rough on the top of his 'ed, and his tongue + looked dry at the tip, + And it dawned on me like a thunderbolt--"Great Evings!" I + groaned,--"THE PIP!" (_Pause here, to emphasise the + tremendous gravity of this discovery._) + Well, I _'ad_ bin trainin' a siskin to hunderstudy the part, + (_more ordinary tone for this_) + And I sent him on--(_tolerantly_)--which he done his best, but he + 'adn't no notion o' _Hart_! + So I left the pitch as soon as I could, and (meanin' to make more + 'aste) + I cut across one o' them buildin' sites as was left a runnin' to + waste. + There was yawning pits by the flinty road, as rendered the + prospeck dull, + And 'ere and there a winderless 'ouse, with the look of a grinning + skull, + (_Try to paint this scene visibly for the audience; background is + essential for what is to come._) + A storm had bin 'anging about all day (and it _broke_, you'll + remember, at last!) + So I 'urried on, it was gettin' late--and the Gineral sinking fast! + (_You are now approaching the harrowing part, but keep yourself in + reserve for the present._) + But all on a sudding I 'eard him give a kind of a feeble flap, + And I stops, and sez in a 'opeful way, "Why, you're up in yer + sterrups, old chap." + + (_A bold metapher applied to a bird, but characteristic in the + speaker._) + + (_Sink your voice._) Then I see by the look of his sorrowful eye + he was thinkin': "Afore I go, + I'd like to see one performance--for the last--of the dear old + Show!" + + (_Note, and make your audience feel, the touch of Nature here._) + + And I sez, with a ketch in my voice, "You _shall_!" and I whipped + the sheet off the board, + I stuck up the pair o' trestles, and fastened the tightrope cord; + Then I propped the Gineral up in a place from which he could see + the 'ole, + And I set the tabbies a-sparring, and the mice a-climbing the pole. + + (_Build up the whole scene gradually; the dreary neighbourhood, + the total absence of bystanders, the lurid threatening sky, and + the humble entertainment proceeding in the foreground._) + + I put my company through their tricks--and they made my hold eyes + dim, + For they never performed for no orjence like they did last night + for _him_! + Them tabbies sparred with a science you'd 'ardly expect from sich, + And the mouse (what usually boggles) fetched flags with never no + 'itch! + Aye, we worked the Show in that lonely place to the sound o' the + mutterin' storm, + Right through till we come to the finish--the part _he_ used to + perform. + He was out of the cage in a minnit--egged on by puffessional pride, + He pecked that incompitent siskin till he made him stand o' one + side! + Well, I felt like 'aving a good cry _then_--but the time + 'adn't come for that, + So I slipped his uniform over his 'ed, and tied on his little + cock-hat. [_With great tenderness._ + And he set in his tiny kerridge, and was drored along by the mice, + A-looking that 'appy and pleased with hisself, I got 'em to do it + twice! [_Tone of affectionate retrospection._ + The very tabbies they gazed on him then with their heyes dilatin' + in haw, + As he 'obbled along to the cannon, with the match in his wasted + claw! + I never 'eard that cannon afore give sech a tremenjious pop-- + (_Solemnly._) And a peal o' thunder responded, as seemed all over + the shop! + For a second Bob stood in the lightning, so noble, and bold, and + big;-- + Then ... a stagger ... a flutter ... a broken chirp--(_you can add + immensely to the effect here by a little appropriate action. + Pause,and give time for a solemn hush to fall upon the audience, + then, with a forced calm, as if you were doing violence to your + own feelings_)--he was orf, Sir,--(_a slight gulp_)--he'd 'opped + the twig! + + (_Second Pause: then more briskly, but still with strong + emotion to the close_) + + So now you've the hexplanation of the crape round the tabbies' + necks, + And kin understand why we close to-day "in token of our respecks." + + * * * * * + +The time has now come for _Mr. Punch_ to bid his pupils farewell, +which he does with a pleasure that he has some reason to hope will be +not unreciprocated. During the few months over which this course has +extended, he has made it his aim to furnish the young carpet-knight +for the fray as completely as possible, and, if the Amateur Reciter +be not (as some hold) already invulnerable, the panoply of pieces with +which he has been armed here should go far to render him so. + +All _Mr. Punch_ would ask in return is that, when any one of his young +friends is retiring, flushed with triumph, amidst an intoxicating +murmur of faint applause and renewed conversation, after delivering +some composition of his Preceptor's, he will not suffer himself to be +completely dazzled by success, but will remember the means which have +contributed thereto with such gratitude as he may be able to command. + + * * * * * + +"DISCOVERIES AT POMPEII."--Under this heading we read in the _Times_ +that four silver urns of fair size were found, also four smaller +vessels, eight open vases, four cups ornamented with leaves, &c. +"Urns" for hot water: "smaller vessels," tea-pots; "eight open vases," +sugar-basins; "four cups," tea-cups, "ornamented with leaves,"--very +fanciful design, probably tea-leaves,--and there we have before us +"Five o'clock Tea, as known to the Ladies of Pompeii." + + * * * * * + +THE LEGION OF DISHONOUR. + +[Illustration] + +_The Modern Autolycus sings_:-- + + When parvenus begin to peer, + With heigh! the ribbon on the coat! + Why, then the love of rank shines clear, + In base-blood, spite of the People's vote. + + The medal gleaming on the breast! + With heigh! the red coins how they ring! + The Citizens clamour with eager zest, + Despite their hate of crown and king! + + The _bourgeois_ soul star-honours wants, + With heigh! the peacock-aping jay! + The hunger for honours finds singular haunts, + Their sale is a traffic that's bound to pay. + +I have served Princes, and, in my time, worn Imperial livery, but now +I am in the Republic's service. + + But shall I mourn for that, or fear? + Gold glitters, silver's bright, + And decorations not _too_ dear + Citizen-souls delight. + + If pedlars may have leave to live, + Though "honours" cram their budget, + A good account I yet may give; + If caught,--I can but trudge it! + + Ribbons of all colours, lo! + Crosses--mark their gleam and glow! + Blue as violets, red as roses, + Buy them swift whilst power dozes! + Decorated thus you'll clamber + To court-height or lady's chamber. + Golden talismans are these. + _Parvenus_ may pass with ease + With these gauds to heights the leal + Buy with brain or stainless steel. + Come buy of me, come buy, come buy! + Cheap "honours" now is all the cry! + Buy ribbons--like tape, + Blue blood you may ape, + They're dainty, and not too dear-a! + With peers you may tread, + Yet hold up your head, + They're the newest and finest of wear-a! + Come to the pedlar, + Money's a meddler, + That gets _all_ men by the ear-a! + + [_Has HIS ear suddenly pulled by Madame La Republique._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RETALIATION. + +_Cabby._ "WHA'S THIS FOR, LADY? WHICH MY FARE'S TWO SHILL----" + +_Old Lady (quite able to take care of herself)._ "I BEG YOUR PARDON, +CABMAN. I KNOW THE DISTANCE--IT'S NOT THREE MILES BY TWO HUNDRED +YARDS. PLEASE KNOCK AT THE----" + +_Cabby._ "UGH! Y' 'ON'T HEV A DOUBLE KNOCK, I CAN TELL YER THAT!"] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON SPELLING. + +I've bin informed, on such orthority as I carnt for a moment dout, +wiz., Professor BASSINGHAM of the White Cross Brigade, that a cumpany +has bin formed in Amerrikey to perswade hewerybody as writes English +to spell it as I does. I never knowd afore but what I spelt my +spelling like other littery gennelmen, but I'm told now that I don't, +but that I spells it more nateral like, and so it appears that after +about 2 years thinkin of it over, the gratest Orthers in Amerrykey has +all resolved to follow my nobel xample and do as I does, as neer as +they can git to it. So they has formed theirselves into the "Spelling +Reform Association," and has got a Presedent, and Wise Presidents, +and a Counsel, and a Seketerry, and all the blooming luxurys of a rich +Cumpany, and has jest published their fust Number and charges fore +shillins for it, as I nose to my corst, cos I've jest bin and bort +one. + +Well, having jest a lezzure hour or 2, I've bin a trying to read my +noo book, witch is suttenly to me a dear book, but I greeves to say +as I don't find werry much in it, as I understands. They suttenly uses +sum werry powerful words, and sez sum werry powerful things, and +tries their werry best to spell like me, but I don't think as I can +troothfully say as they always suckeeds. They spels _hed_ like me, and +_helth_, and _dropt_, and _enuf_; but who ever seed me use sitch words +as _thru_, or _cof_, or _thuro_, or _tuf_, or _ughly_? + +Professor CHADBAND, L.L.D., says that "our senseless spelling makes +him ashamed of his language, and yet thru habit he continues it." +DAVID D. FIELD, L.L.D., of New York, talks of our Nobel English Tung +"being disfigured," and says I ought to be haild as a deliverer! + +Professor HADLEY says, "our language is shockingly speld." Lord LYTTON +says, "it is a lying round-about puzl-heded delusion!" and our own +heloqwent Sir C. E. TREVELYAN, K.C.B., says, "it is a labyrinth, a +chaos, an absurdity, and a disgrace!" and the Hedditer of the book +winds it all up by saying that "it is the wurst there is!" Poor old +English Langwidge! I ony wonders how SHAKESPEAR and MILTON, and +BURNS managed to get on with it, tho suttenly BURNS was a dredful +bad speller. Why he used to spell "who" _wha_, and "have" _hae_, and +"whom" _wham_! But then he was only a poor plowman, and not an Hed +Waiter. I of coarse little thort wen I fust commenced my umbel efforts +to instruckt and enliten the world with skimmings from my daily +dairy, that I shood ever be held up to the admirashun and gratitood of +English mankind as a deliverer of our nobel English Tung from its +many defecks, but I of course acceps the pursishun, and, I ope, with +becoming umility, and if the Spelling Reform Association chooses, as +seems ony nateral, to elect me as one of their Wice Presidents, with a +nice cumferal little salary paid quarterly, in adwance, I shall not at +all object to become also one of their regular contribbuters, or ewen +to hedit sum of their harticles as is really not quite hup to the mark +in the spelling line. + +Professor F. J. CHILD, P.D., L.H.D., cums it rayther strong when he +says, "Sum hav a religious aw, and sum hay an erth-born passion for +our establisht spelling. I don't much care how anybody spells, so +he spels different from that." But praps one of the werry greatest +staggerers in my four-shilling staggering book, is what the Heditter +says, wiz., "A filologist who should uphold our present mode of +spelling, would be like an astronomer who should teach that the Erth +is based on a Turtl." + +I think that's about the most wunderfullest sentense as ewen a +Hedhitter ever wrote, and they does sumtimes cum out with a startler +or 2. Fust with regard to the spelling. As I don't in the least know +what a Filologist means I carnt of course say much as to that, but if +there is one mortal thing in this butiful world of ours as I does know +sumthink about, I should think as all the ciwilized world woud agree +as it was Turtle, and I refuses at once, without no manner of dowt, +to pardon the man who coud carmly and cooly sit down and write that +almost sacred name without his final Hee! Turtl, indeed! why it amost +makes me shudder as I rites it down; and jest before Lord Mare's Day +too, why it's hadding hinsult to hinjury. But ewen that isn't all the +marwels of this most egstrordinary sentense. What in the world can he +mean by saying as the world is based on a Turtl? + +Of course no one can posserbly know better nor me, that without that +glorious addition to a gorgeous _Manu_, the werry hiest classes of +society, such as Princes, and Lord Mares, and Bishops, and Aldermen, +woud find it remarkabel difficult to git through their harduous +dooties, but ewen I should never have once thort of saying that the +hole world is _based_ upon it, which I spose means, carnt posserbly +git on without it. No, if there's one thing as I strongly objecs to, +it's xaggerashun, and in this werry partickler case I boldly charges +it against the Hedhitter of "Spelling," price four shillings, even +though he and his frends does do me the hi honour of holding me hup as +a bennyfacter to all English spelling races. + + ROBERT. + +Pose Cript.--I sees as how a gent of the xstrordinary name of "EIZAK +PITMAN" has been and gorn and rote to the _Times_ on this werry same +subjeck as me; but I'm two busy jest now with prepperrations for the +himportantest of all days--need I say the Ninth of Nowember--to be +abel to give all my hole mind to it, as it seems to require. But I at +once, without not no hezzytation and dowt, gives my caudial assent +to his Golden Rule, wiz: "When in dout, selekt the werry simpletonest +spelling." + + R. + + * * * * * + +"IRISH PROSECUTIONS."--In the _Times_ of Friday last, under the +foregoing heading, that most contentious and sledge-hammering +correspondent, Lord BRAMWELL, came down heavily, very heavily, on the +unfortunate "American Lawyer," Mr. MUNDY, who had presumed to express +an opinion opposed to that of my Lord BRAMWELL. Of course, after this, +there's an end of the American Lawyer, and, at all events, up to +the date abovementioned, Lord BRAMWELL may say, triumphantly, "_Sic +transit gloria Mundy!_" + + * * * * * + +THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + +FROM A YOUNG MAN STILL IN THE COUNTRY. + + _Eaton Hall, Saturday._ + +[Illustration:] + +DEAR TOBY,--I write to you from here where I stay a day or two on my +way to Dublin. I expect by the time it reaches you I will be installed +in the Chief Secretary's Lodge, and the National League may prepare to +sit up. I have been spending a week or two very agreeably in Scotland, +a little out of the way of letters or newspapers. I am told there has +been quite a demand for me, a sort of popular outcry that I should +forthwith proceed to Ireland. This is, of course, not unflattering. +It indicates a general belief which I, for one, am not disposed to +contest, that if Ireland is to be saved, I'm the man to do it. That's +all very well; but it is, doncha know, something of a boah to be thus +bothered at a time when one had two or three pleasant engagements on +hand. It used to be just the same in the House last Session. If I did +not really live there, entering with the Mace and the SPEAKER, and +leaving only at the cry of "Who goes home?" there were impetuous +protests. I put in KING-HARMAN at Question time, but they wouldn't +have him. Often, as I lay on the sofa in the Chief Secretary's room, +looking over _Punch_, or reading the proofs of the forthcoming new +edition of my _Defence of Philosophic Doubt_, I have heard the distant +growls of the Irish Members when KING-HARMAN rose to answer a question +addressed to me. Quite touching this personal attachment. At the same +time a little embarrassing. + +Now I am really going to Dublin, and shall spend a cheerful November +there. GRANDOLPH, in his genial way, has tried to make things pleasant +by reminding me that from the drawing-room window of the Chief +Secretary's Lodge I can see the place where poor FREDDY CAVENDISH +fell. "They're sure to take a pot shot at you," he says; "but you're +all right. Unless a man can make sure of hitting a lamp-post at +fifty paces, it will be no use his trying to bring you down." A nice +companionable man GRANDOLPH. Always tries to say something pleasant. +But really I don't pay much attention to his kindly apprehensions. I +shall be boahed, I daresay; but not by the passage of a bullet, or the +thrust of a knife. + +People evidently expect great things to follow on my arrival in +Dublin. To the accident of my holiday absence in Scotland they +attribute all the failures of the Executive. "If BALFOUR had been +there," they say, "W. O'BRIEN would now be comfortably in gaol and T. +D. S., Lord Mayor, would be laid by the heels." I weally don't +know. Fact is, I have not closely followed up affairs either in the +newspapers or despatches. There have been some rows, I understand. +But that is not unusual in Ireland. Where people are right in +kindly looking to me to restore peace and order in Ireland is in the +supposition that I have a plan. That is true, though I cannot claim +personal and private property in it. Fact is the plan is CROMWELL'S. +It worked admirably when originally put in practice, and I do not see +any reason why it should fail now. There are, of course, difficulties +in the way; prejudice to be overcome, legal forms to be dealt with, +and that sort of thing. There is also, next Session of Parliament to +be met, and awkward questions by TIM HEALY and the rest. But they +need not think to intimidate me by such reflections. I shall put +up KING-HARMAN to answer all inconvenient questions. Besides, it is +exceedingly probable that in the full development of my plan the Irish +Members who last Session distinguished themselves by "wanting to know" +will be unavoidably absent from their places. It is an awful nuisance +breaking in upon a man's holiday; but it is a difficulty that has to +be faced, and as there seems a popular inclination to look to me to +settle it, I suppose there is nothing to be done but to grapple with +it. + +One additional drawback from a quite unexpected source makes itself +known by correspondence with my colleagues. They are all in a dreadful +state of fussy alarm. My uncle the Markiss begs me to be careful. +"Firmness without Rashness" is an excellent copy-head, which W. H. +SMITH sends me in fine round-hand from the distant Mediterranean. I +wish they'd all mind their own affairs. In the intervals of my other +occupations I can answer for Ireland, and if any awkwardness arises, I +can put up KING-HARMAN to answer for me. So, dear TOBY, don't you +have any anxiety on my account. Some half-hour after dinner, with the +contemplative toothpick at hand, and my heels on the table, I will, if +the subject occurs to me, settle the Irish Question. + + Yours faithfully, + + ARTH-R B-LF-R. + + * * * * * + +BIG WORK AND LITTLE HANDS. + +That a child prodigy should have been able twice last week to fill St. +James's Hall to overflowing, may not perhaps speak at the first glance +very highly for the artistic instincts of the British Public, who, as +a thoughtful musical critic remarks in the pages of a contemporary, +are sometimes "more impressed by a little boy in an Eton jacket +than by the finest music that might be played in less exciting +circumstances;" still it cannot be denied that the couple of recitals +referred to, given by Master JOSEF HOFMANN, were altogether two +exceptionally brilliant performances. Commenting, however, on the +little fellow's efforts to give a good rendering of a slow movement, +the critic already alluded to asks how, in a long-drawn melody which +is a matter of passion and of feeling, "a child of eleven can have +much feeling or any passion?" Surely this is hypercriticism. Ask any +boy of eleven who has had a whipping, or has come off second best in a +fight with his little sister, whether he hasn't much feeling;--and as +for passion! Well: but, perhaps this is not exactly what the critic +means. Nevertheless, he proceeds rather pertinently to ask whether +this singularly gifted young artist will be suffered, "when he has +served the immediate purposes of those who have control over him, +to continue his studies in a rational manner and far from the +fierce light and the hot-house temperature pertaining to the concert +platform?" As Master JOSEF HOFMANN is already booked for an American +tour, there does not seem any prospect of this highly desirable +consummation, at least in the near future. Judging, therefore, from +little Master JOSEF'S present arrangements, one would be disposed to +apostrophise him sympathetically in the language of Dr. WATTS, and +say:-- + + "Night after night, you'll prove a sight + To draw the cute Yankee, + Because your little hands were made + To stretch from C to C!" + +Still, as he is an unquestionable genius who has a future before +him, it is to be hoped that he won't be "worked out" early at high +pressure, and stimulated by a success that will only blunt his powers +by depriving him of that desire for true progress in his art by which +alone they can be legitimately developed. "Not too much gaslight, some +practice, and plenty of battledore and shuttlecock," is the proper +_recipe_ for little Master JOSEF. With this he can't go wrong, and +will, without doubt, if he stick to it, command the musical world of +the future as surely as he has astonished that of to-day. + + * * * * * + +"NO MORE SEA-SICKNESS!" NO MORE "BAD QUARTERS-OF-AN-HOUR" IN CROSSING +THE CHANNEL! Try Mons. M. L. MAYER'S Remedy, to be provided on October +24 up to the middle of November, and probably longer, if all goes +well, at the Remedy Theatre--no--at the Royalty Theatre, where he +intends giving a season of French plays, and brings M. COQUELIN, Mmes. +CHAUMONT and JANE MAY,--not all at once but one at a time,--over to +afford amusement to those Londoners who can't afford amusement +in Paris, or who object to the sea-passage, or who cannot spare +sufficient time for the trip. M. COQUELIN has with him a fair-sized +bag of tricks which includes, among other things, _Don Caesar de +Bazan_, and he means to devote three-fourths of one evening's +entertainment to monologues, among which, Mr. BEERBOHM TREE will be +delighted to hear, is announced _Gringoire_. M. MAYER, will of course, +see that his stars are well supported, and the public, delighted to +save the sea-voyage, will support M. MAYER. + + * * * * * + +SHOWS VIEWS. + +_By Victor Who-goes-Everywhere._ + +[Illustration] + +THE suggestion made a month ago by a "Salubrity Abroad," (now happily +a "Salubrity at home") that the above title would make a good heading +for an all-round-about theatrical and entertainment article in _Mr. +Punch's_ pages, is at length carried out. In the character of a hero +conquering difficulties, I have been here, there, and everywhere. My +first triumph was at the Gaiety Theatre, where (after surmounting all +obstruction) I secured a place from whence _Miss Esmeralda_ could be +watched in comfort. This piece is called a "melodramatic burlesque," +in two Acts, but I confess I failed to distinguish either the +melodrama or the burlesque. It was, however, well mounted with +good scenery and pretty dresses. It had further the advantage of an +excellent stage-manager in Mr. CHARLES HARRIS, and a no less excellent +dance inventor in Mr. JOHN D'AUBAN, but of the book the less that is +said the better. Frankly, it is not amusing. This being the case I +was not surprised to find the names of its authors printed in the +programme in a type just half the size accorded to the style and title +of "the producer." The acting calls for no particular comment. Mr. +LONNEN sings an Irish song excellently well, but is less diverting +when he trusts to attitudinising as a provocative to merriment. Miss +MARION HOOD'S charming face is sweeter than her voice, and Miss FANNIE +LESLIE'S singing is as welcome now as ever it was--it recalls many +a vocal triumph of the past. Mr. GEORGE STONE as _Gringoire_ is more +broadly comic than Mr. BEERBOHM TREE in a somewhat similar _role_ in +the _Ballad Monger_. Both the Misses BLANCHE are all that could be +desired in two subordinate characters. In the last Act there is a +"Pyramid Ballet,"--which is slightly perplexing. Until my attention +was pointedly called to the fact that I was watching a terpischorean +demonstration of a game of billiards, I was under the impression that +some of the intricacies of the plot of VICTOR HUGO'S _Notre Dame_ +were being very cleverly explained to me in easily followed dumb show. +Perhaps the best thing (barring the Irish song) in the whole piece +is an ingenious dance of Warders and Prisoners in Scene I., Act 2. In +alluding to the list of the company I should not have forgotten to +say that the names of that admirable comedian Mr. H. LESLIE and that +evergreen queen of burlesque, Miss E. FARREN, are conspicuous by +their absence. In spite of this very serious drawback, no doubt Miss +_Esmeralda_ will be as successful as it deserves to be. The scenery, +dresses, and music, are alone worth a visit. And when I say this I +leave out the acting, the singing and the dancing. + +I also went to the Royal Aquarium the other afternoon, and witnessed +the performances of a troupe of genuine Russian Wolves. If I _had_ to +appear in public myself with a company of performing animals, I think +I should prefer poodles, or white mice, though, as a spectacle, wolves +are undoubtedly more thrilling. I don't know that these particular +wolves did much; but the really striking fact, of course, was their +condescension in doing anything, and it was certainly "pretty to see" +them jumping a gate, and arranging themselves picturesquely on chairs, +with just sufficient display of grinning jaws to make the audience +congratulate themselves that the stage was fenced round by temporary +iron railings. The creatures are evidently deeply attached to the +Professor, who has so ably prepared them for public life. I was +convinced of this by the effusion with which one after another +advanced and kissed his forehead, on receiving a slight hint to that +effect from a whip. But to be kissed--however tenderly--by a wolf, +must be a creepy sensation. On the occasion when I was present we were +afforded an additional, and I may say an unrehearsed, sensation after +the act-drop fell. There was a scurry behind, a shout, and then--a +great jagged rent in the curtain. People in the front row of stalls +looked uncomfortable--it did seem very much as if one of the wolves +had determined to "take a call" on his own account, but it was merely +a little mishap with one of the railings. However, there was no real +cause for alarm in any case, for an audience would have had ample +time to escape while the wolf was amusing himself with the orchestra, +which, fortunately, is a remarkably good one. + +After the Wolves, by way of contrast, I paid a visit to La Belle +FATMA. On delivery of a shilling, I, with other members of the Public, +was passed in to a screened-off portion of the Imperial Theatre. A +stout French gentleman seated himself at a piano below the stage, and +the curtain rose presently, disclosing the fair FATMA and her troupe +seated in a row, like a new variety of Christy Minstrels. With regard +to the principal lady, I am bound to say that her charms did not seem +to me to have been at all overestimated, and her portraits upon the +posters actually do her less than justice. But this is a matter of +opinion; and I must confess that, after all, it was not upon the +peerless FATMA that my eyes were most riveted. There was a stout +old lady in a turban, two places from her--_such_ an old lady! with +immense black eyebrows, meeting over flashing dark eyes, and a massive +Oriental nose, a wide sternly compressed mouth, and three chins. Upon +her knees she held a gourd-shaped drum, which she smacked severely +at intervals; she might have sat for CORNELIA polishing one of her +"jewels"; and when she sang, the illusion was complete! + +As to the performance, it was Oriental; and no description can +convey much more. We had an Overture on the familiar "Rum-tum-tum, +tum-a-tum-tum-tum, tum-a-tum" theme, which revealed considerable +"staying power" on both sides of the footlights. Then one member of +the _troupe_ after another advanced, and, if a lady, _chasse_'d and +revolved with slowly waving arms, and an expression that seemed to +imply that she would take more pains if it were only worth while; if +a man, he capered and grinned and shouted in a manner which, at all +events, infinitely amused the performer himself. While this was going +on, the old lady continued to "spank"--there really is no better term +for it--her drum in a sort of grim _reverie_, and a young person +by her side emitted piercing shrieks by way of enlivening the +proceedings. There was a mysterious One on the stage, who reminded me +of an immense dice-box muffled in muslin; this, it turned out, was the +COLOSSUS of SOUSSE, to whom was entrusted the function of "presenting" +Mademoiselle FATMA at the close of the performance. This seemed +superfluous, particularly as the excellent Colossus had no notion of +doing more than taking her by the hand and stalking two paces forward. +It was all over in a quarter of an hour or so; and, for my own part, I +considered the old lady in the turban alone worth the paltry shilling +charged for admission. + +I have also been to TERRY'S Theatre, where great precautions are taken +to prevent fire. Everything, more or less, is labelled "Exit," and, +instead of doors, in several parts of the house there are curtains. +On the whole it must be a good theatre to escape from. This is worth +noting, if the performances are wearisome. + + * * * * * + +BALLADE OF THE TIMID BARD. + +(_To Angelica, who bids him publish._) + + In Memory's mystical hazes + I see a vast Gander and grey, + I see the small boy that he chases + At the head of a hissing array: + How I wept when they brought me to bay, + How I pleaded in vain for a truce! + Too frightened to shoo them away, + I could never say Boh to a Goose! + + I have lived through a number of phases, + I have rhymed of the grave and the gay, + But the clatter of critical phrases, + But the moralist armed for the fray, + I have fled in unseemly dismay, + Since the Gander--'tis all my excuse-- + For, in brief, since that terrible day-- + I could never say Boh to a Goose! + + It was fabled of old that in places + Grow goose-bearing trees by the way, + Where bough within bough interlaces + Green geese flutter down from the spray; + In reviews, at first nights of the play, + These shrubs are in general use, + And I would not encounter them, nay, + I could _never_ say Boh to a Goose! + +_Envoy._ + + ANGELICA! bid me essay + The deeds of a WALLACE or BRUCE, + But talk not of _publishing_, pray-- + I could never say Boh to a Goose! + + * * * * * + +IRISH APPOINTMENT EXTRAORDINARY (_subject to the kind permission +of Sir Bernard Burke, C.B., LL.D._).--The Right Hon. JOSEPH +O'CHAMBERLAIN, M.P., to be Ulster-King-of-Arms. + + * * * * * + +NOTE BY AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS, AFTER THE GRANTING OF THE LICENCE TO +THE EMPIRE THEATRE.--"_L'Empire c'est la_ pay 46 per cent.--like the +Alhambra." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. + +_Professor Chatterleigh._ "BY GEORGE! I'M SO HUNGRY I CAN'T _TALK!_" + +_Fair Hostess (on hospitable thoughts intent)._ "OH, I'M _SO_ GLAD!"] + + * * * * * + +THE MESSENGER OF PEACE. + +(_With apologies to the Shade of the Author of "Al Aarof."_) + + [I have read ... that I have come to Ulster to revive + religious bigotry, to rekindle the embers of party strife, + and to revive ancient feuds which are now in a fair way to + be forgotten. I can assure you that these are not the objects + which I propose to myself. (_Laughter._)--_Report of Mr. + Chamberlain's Speech in Belfast._] + +_Erin's Guardian Angel sings_:-- + + I came (by the steamer) + A cross the wild spray. + No bigot, no dreamer, + To moon time away. + BRIGHT lingers to ponder, + And make tart replies; + But I come, from yonder, + Drawn down from the skies. + With love I am laden, + Peace sits on my brow. + No, sweet Ulster maiden, + My game is _not_ row! + Arise! from your dreaming, + In bright Orange bowers, + To duties beseeming, + Your fame and past powers. + My presence expresses + My fondness for you; + (My game no one guesses, + They read it askew) + Oh, how without you, love, + Can Ireland be blest? + _You_'re loyal, _you_'re true, love, + Mad traitors the rest. + I shake from my wing + Each hindering thing. + The black Parnellite + Would weigh down my flight. + The G. O. M.'s messes, + I leave them apart, + His lures and his jesses, + His tricks and his art. + + W. G.! W. G.! Ah! + My old artful one, + You had an idea + With you I should run. + No! it is my will + On the breezes to toss + At caprice, or be still + Like a lone albatross. + Daring duckling? That's past! + Stormy petrel? That's flown! + I'm a halcyon at last, + A new _role_,--and my own! + + W. G. Ah! Whoever + Thine "items" may be, + For ever I sever + My fortunes from thee. + Thou hast bound many eyes + In sophistical sleep, + But the angel that flies + Will _thy_ vigilance keep? + O Walker! (Again + A rhetorical flower + From thy full-teeming brain!) + I have passed a brief hour + In those same cipherings + Which you fudge--let that pass! + But my own view of things + Is not modell'd, alas! + On _yours_--none of the clearest-- + But then, that's your way-- + 'Tis one of the queerest; + _Do_ you find it pay? + Ah! love moved the smiles + That beamed forth on my rest + On the greenest of Isles. + Its _Scotch_ natives are best, + For they have in their keeping + Its wealth and its trade, + And Sedition, unsleeping, + Has spoilt, I'm afraid, + The true Pat of the Island. + _He_ burns to be free, + His bosom holds guile, and + His bonnet a bee. + Go to! Let them slumber, + The Home-Ruling lot + Are not the huge number + They tell us--that's rot! + I came to awaken, + An Angel of Peace! + I'm bound to be taken + For such ere I cease. + PARNELL'S spell makes PAT slumber, + Its witchery is test, + And your Orange-host's number + Must manage the rest! + + * * * * * + +A PROTEST. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Will you please ask the _Times_ not to allow such +unpleasant subjects to be introduced into its columns as there was +last Wednesday,--that is, judging by the heading on page 8, "The Birch +and the Primitive Seat," which of course none of us fellows read (one +line of it was enough for me), and if there is another of the sort, we +shall vote that the _Times_ isn't taken in here in future, and I don't +think the _Times_ would like that. A word from you will be sufficient, +I am sure. + + Your Constant Reader, + + UPPER LOWER MIDDLETON. + + _Eton College, Bucks, near Windsor, England._ + + * * * * * + +Mrs. RAM says she couldn't stop in an out-of-the-way country-place, +give up society, and live like a Helmet in the desert. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MESSENGER OF PEACE.] + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BRITISH FRENCH. + +_Emily._ "ASK HER TO GIVE US SOME MORE OF HER _SACRED_ MUSIC, GEORGE!" + +_George (a linguist)._ "OH, MADEMOISELLE, DONNEZ-NOUS ENCORE DE VOTRE +SACREE MUSIQUE."] + + * * * * * + +JOE'S JAUNT. + +_Off to Ireland!_--At last. COLLINGS with me, of course:--rather +grumpy, because SALISBURY'S got the credit of passing the Allotments +Bill, instead of himself. Still, JESSE better than nobody. Would +create bad impression to visit Belfast without an _entourage_. + +_In Steamer._--Look up my Irish History--or rather, JESSE'S Irish +History, which he's borrowed from Birmingham Free Library. An Alderman +_can_ do that sort of thing. Also examine revolver. Not accustomed to +carrying one. What is the best place for it? JESSE says, "left-hand +coat-tail pocket, decidedly, because then you can whip it out in +a twinkling." JESSE'S confidence contagious--he talks as if he +had always been in the habit of "whipping-out" revolvers, like a +cow-boy,--or a "three-acres-and-a-cow-boy." Do as he advises. +Very uncomfortable feeling. Sit down on revolver in a moment of +forgetfulness, and nearly blow Captain's head off. Captain irritated. +Asks me for "ransom." Ridiculous! + +_Belfast._--No end of a reception. Drive through the principal +streets. Enthusiastic populace insist on taking horses out of carriage +and pulling it themselves. Gratifying, but should feel safer with the +horses. Why _will_ COLLINGS bow? I'm the person to bow, obviously. +Bad taste, but don't like to stop him. Believe the mob _take_ him for +me--or why do they cheer him so? + +_At Hotel._--Just found out reason of enthusiasm evoked by appearance +of JESSE. _He's got on an Orange tie!_ Ask him, reproachfully, why +he did this? Pretends it was a mere accident--forgot that orange was +favourite Ulster colour. Don't want a religious riot, so make him take +it off. JESSE getting grumpier. Can't help it. + +_Evening._--Before going to meeting, had better find out what +Belfast chiefly famous for. Ask COLLINGS. Replies "linen-shirts and +handkerchiefs." Try to put him in good humour by remarking that "_he_ +seems shirty." Is there no other historical fact connected with place? +"Yes," he replies, "visit of Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL." Wish he hadn't +mentioned latter event. Dispiriting. Reminds one of proposed National +Party, with self and RANDOLPH as sole leaders--and sole followers, +too, it seems. + +_At Hotel--after Speech._--Great success. Felt horribly inclined to +start another Home Rule plan--my fifth--but fortunately refrained. +Instead of dismemberment of Empire, I offered more Members to Ulster. +Ulster people saw the justice of this arrangement at once. Told 'em +there were "two Irelands." Isn't one Ireland enough, however? + +_Coleraine._--A triumphal arch, with "Welcome to English Peasant +Emancipators" on it. Stupid to bracket COLLINGS with me in this way. +Receive threatening letter. Reminds me of my revolver. JESSE examines +it with the air of a professional gunsmith, critically. Appears quite +hurt at its condition; says, "I've sat on it so often he doubts if it +would go off now," and recommends my carrying a "bowie-knife" instead. +Am surprised at JESSE'S acquaintance with deadly weapons. Ask him what +historical event took place at Coleraine. Says he doesn't know and +doesn't care. But what's he here for except to keep me posted up in +local details? Hint to him that "I hope I may be able to offer him +post of President of Local Government Board in my future Ministry." +Replies (rudely, I think) that "he'll wait till I'm asked to form +one." _Query_--doesn't air of Ulster exercise demoralising effect on +English politicians? Is this the "Ulster Custom" one's heard so much +about? RANDOLPH a case in point. + +_Back again._--Coleraine speech excellent, though I say it, as +shouldn't. Cheered to the echo. So was JESSE, hang him! Shan't take +_him_ to Canada with me. Now for a study of the habits of deep-sea +fish in the pages of a Natural Science Primer. + + * * * * * + +AN AUTUMN LAY. + +(_By a Belated Oarsman._) + + Come, little Maid, to the cracked piano, + The semi-grand in the coffee-room; + We'll take your harmonies all _cum grano_, + For the strings vibrate like the crack of doom. + Over the lawn the flat clouds loom, + And when they lighten the rain falls faster; + Like gossips who relish a friend's disaster + The ducks quack loud in the rain-ruled gloom. + + I've studied the cracks in the ceiling-plaster, + And the statuettes with their stolid leer, + And the landscape visions of some Young Master, + Who viewed the world through a haze of beer. + We've done as much with the hostel's cheer + As sane men may _in corpore sano_; + So come, little Maid, to the cracked piano. + Play us "_The Battle of Prague_," my dear. + + The silence clouds, like a potion shaken, + As the limp strings jar to an ancient pain; + Their light and sweetness no touch can waken, + And only the dregs of a tone remain. + The silk-sewn music with fray and stain + Swoons on the keys at the urgent stages, + And the little Maid, as she props the pages, + Just murmurs, "Bother!" and starts again. + + And the streaming window again engages + The thoughts that stray from the field of Prague; + And the moping birds in their gauze-girt cages, + And the wax-work fruits of a genus vague; + And the flies that buzz like a lazy plague + Round the lone lorn jam, as it stands forsaken; + And the varnished pike in the mill-pool taken + About the year that they fought at Prague. + + But twilight falls, and its folds encumber + The misty mounds of the patient trees, + And sunset cheers with a touch of umber + The puddles of steel-gray Gruyere cheese. + And, interposing a little ease, + Our frail thoughts dally with false surmises + Of a morning as brilliant as mid July's is + With bravest sunshine and sweetest breeze. + + A soothing silence the soul surprises, + For the little Maid, like a hero true, + Has fought her fight through its poignant crises, + And shown what practice can dare and do. + And, tearing the moonlight in handfuls through, + A giant arm in the cloudland sombre + Scatters the light on a world of slumber, + Through snowy craters, from gulfs of blue. + + * * * * * + +BOGEY IN BOND STREET. + +(_A Legend of the Grosvenor Gallery._) + +[Illustration] + +The Spirit of Art glided through the streets of Modern London, seeking +a resting-place. She entered the Diploma Gallery of the Royal Academy, +but hurried away, affrighted at some of the terrible examples of the +illustrious Forty. + +"And these are the greatest English painters!" she murmured--"the +countrymen of SHAKSPEARE, MILTON, and ADDISON, TENNYSON, MACAULAY, and +DICKENS! How is it that Painting cannot keep pace with Literature?" + +It sounded like a Conundrum, and the Spirit of Art was not good +at Conundrums. So she gave it up. Then she passed into other +Exhibitions--there were quite a dozen in the neighbourhood at the +very least. But she was unsatisfied, and came away. She paused, and +considered. The Spirit of Art had one great English friend (of Irish +extraction), who was a Musician. + +"ARTHUR is a clever fellow," said the Spirit of Art to herself--there +was no one else to speak to--"and if he _does_ compose more comic +Operas than Oratorios, it is, I suppose, because there is a greater +demand for the former than the latter." + +From this it will be seen the Spirit of Art had, on the whole, a +good head for business. "Now," continued the Representative of the +Beautiful, "I distinctly recollect that the words to one of the songs +of my friend ARTHUR contained a pointed reference to the Greenery +Yallery Gallery. I fancy, from all I have heard, that the sort of +thing I want will be found in the Greenery Yallery Gallery." + +She was quite pleased at the notion. To tell the truth the Spirit of +Art was rather weary of perambulating the streets of London--not even +the advertisements of BUFFALO BILL on the hoardings gave her lasting +satisfaction. + +"Let me consider," she said, as she hovered on the threshold of the +Grosvenor Gallery, "now I shall find myself amongst the grandest works +of Mister JONES. I am never tired of that pale face with the pointed +chin--no more is Mister JONES. This frequently-reproduced portrait of +a lady is most interesting. No doubt it is a study of a chronic case +of dyspepsia that must have lasted for twenty years. Then I shall see +the choicest works of MORE and MILLAIS, and WATTS, and oh, joy! of Sir +COUTTS-LINDSAY! This is indeed the very spot for a resting-place." + +So the Spirit of Art glided up the staircase and into the Grosvenor +Gallery. For a moment she was puzzled. There was no dyspeptic +lady--"no greenery" and very little "yallery." Then she shivered, +for on all sides she found immense pictures of battles and executions +ghastly beyond description. + +"Why, what are these?" she gasped. "What are these?" + +"Catalogue, Miss?" replied a civil attendant. "Thank you, +Miss,--sixpence." + +And then the Spirit of Art read that such and such a picture +represented a dreadful defeat, that a pestilent hospital, yonder one a +scene of torture. She found representations of war treated in the most +prosaic and unbeautiful form. + +She was horrified and fainted! + +Then the vision, before her became more and more terrible and the +entire contents of the Catalogue was unfolded before her. Dying +soldiers defying vultures, mutilated Russians lying in an open grave, +old men being blown from the guns! Wounds, and fire, and blood! + + *** + +When she came to herself she hurried away. She thought it out. + +"I must gradually accustom myself to less horrible things," she +whispered. "I will begin at once. If I were not to do this by degrees, +I should go mad!" She called a hansom. + +"Where to, Miss?" + +"To the Marylebone Road," cried the Spirit of Art--in these days the +Spirit is a very self-assertive young person, and not at all like an +unprotected female--"Baker Street Station, Marylebone Road." + +Then she threw away her Catalogue. + +"I must see something less repulsive than this--I must gradually +resume my normal condition. Something less repulsive! I have it! I +will begin with the figures of Madame TUSSAUD'S--in the Chamber of +Horrors!" + + * * * * * + +CHAIRS TO MEND. + +Congregation at Oxford, having (in an empty House), for the sake +of economy, turned the old Professorship of Anglo-Saxon into one of +English Literature, and having, with a view to utilising its salary, +entirely suppressed the chair of Poetry, it is rumoured that the +Hebdomadal Council have already in contemplation a sweeping list of +curtailments in the same direction. + +The Professorships of Arabic, Archaeology, Astronomy, Botany, Celtic, +Chemistry, and Chinese, will, it is said, also be rolled into one. + +It is hoped that, by some spirited reforms in the direction indicated +above, the University that, from the fashion in which it has dealt +with the Chair of Poetry, appears indeed to be out at elbows, may +survive the financial crisis in which it is evidently involved. + + * * * * * + +CHANNEL TALK. + +_Arranged for the use of the returning British Passenger at +Breakfast-time. By a very Dyspeptic Contributor._ + +It is a glorious thing to think that one is leaving France and all +foreign kickshaws behind one, and is once more approaching dear honest +old England on the deck of a British steamer. + +But let us come into the cabin and have a bit of breakfast before we +get in. + +Surely that table covered with a dirty sheet instead of a tablecloth +is not prepared for our repast? + +Why, this stale loaf must have been on board quite a week. + +It has evidently made several passages backwards and forwards in +company with this extremely remarkable sample of butter. + +Why does this coffee the Steward has just brought us look like ink and +sawdust, and taste like something perplexing? + +The Frenchman, who has been expecting _dejeuner a la fourchette_, is +surveying with astonishment the dish of mutton-chops they have set +down before him. + +It is a great pity that they are all two inches thick, and are +underdone when cut. + +I wonder whether he is thinking, as I am, of the clean, fresh, and +trim _restaurant_ table, the excellent _cafe au lait, petits-pains_, +Normandy butter, and other "foreign kickshaws," that he has just left +behind him in France. + +Though he has had to pay three shillings for his hot breakfast, he has +informed me that he will wait till he arrives, and take "_le lunch_" +on shore. + +I wonder whether he is aware that, if he makes this meal at the +typical Refreshment-Room, he will have to content himself with stale +sponge-cakes, the day-before-yesterday's buns, and small tins of +lemon-drops. + +But let us get out of the Cabin. I certainly prefer the deck of an +excellent steamer to the arrangements made for providing one with +breakfast down below. + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION OF POLICE. + + "The rapid increase both of buildings and population which has + taken place in the Metropolitan Police district of late years + has outrun the increase which it has been possible to make + to the Police Force."--_Sir Charles Warren, in his Official + Reports, 1885, 1886._ + + "The average applications for admission to the Metropolitan + Police Force now amount to one hundred per diem." _Statistics, + October, 1887._ + +[Illustration: _Sergeant Punch (inspecting would-be ex-Unemployed)._ +"SO, MY LAD, YOU WANT TO BE A CONSTABLE! RATHER ENFORCE THE LAW THAN +BREAK IT, EH? THAT'S RIGHT! HEM! THE FORCE HAS LONG BEEN UNDERMANNED. +WE MUST SEE IF WE CAN'T MAKE ROOM FOR YOU!"] + + * * * * * + +NE PLUS ULSTER.--Mr. CHAMBERLAIN seems to find the heart of the Irish +Question in Ulster. Does he expect to find its solution there? He +appears to set little store by the wishes of those not inconsiderable +portions of Ireland which, as he says, "do not form a portion of the +Ulster plantation." All other parts, even of the favoured province, +"though geographically part of Ulster, are not parts of what we know +as political Ulster." This certainly narrows the Irish Question. But +does it simplify it? We have all heard of those who are "more Irish +than the Irishmen themselves." Mr. CHAMBERLAIN seems to be more +Ulsterish than the men of Ulster, though they, to be sure, on his own +showing, are virtually English and Scotch. In declining to look beyond +Ulster, it may be asked whether he looks into the Irish Question at +all. Altogether Irish--very! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Danvers Jewels_, published by RICHARD BENTLEY AND SON, and +written by an anonymous author who dedicates the work to his sister +"DI," (from whom he received some assistance in the story, otherwise +he would "never have said 'DI,'") is a short and well-told sensational +novelette in a shilling volume. There is a genuine vein of humour +running through it, which is so artistically managed as at first to +escape the reader's attention, who becoming more and more irritated +with the stupidity of the supposed narrator, gradually discovers that +the story which is being recounted by a middle-aged Indian Colonel, +who prides himself on being remarkably astute, and on possessing a +perfectly marvellous insight into character, is being recounted by a +conceited, shallow-pated old ass. I think it a fault that at the +very last, by some such accident as being in an assize town and being +invited to sit on the bench, he does not see the villain thoroughly +unmasked, placed in the dock, and condemned to death, or at least +penal servitude for life. The story, excellent as it is, seems to +me to want this finish. By the way, why, for no conceivable purpose, +quote on the title-page a line from the Old Testament which, as every +one remembering its context and after reading the book must see, has +no apparent bearing on the subject? Mistake this. + +[Illustration: A work by "Q."] + +_Deadman's Rock._ By "Q." Have Messrs. LOUIS STEVENSON and RIDER +HAGGARD combined under the signature of "Q." to write at all events +the first part of the weird and exciting Romance entitled _Deadman's +Rock_? If not let those two authors look to their laurels. There +is much in this book to remind the reader of _Treasure Island_, +especially the fiendish Sailor's uncouth chaunt, "Sing hey for the +deadman's eyes, my lads," which, however, is not a patch upon Mr. +STEVENSON'S "Ho! Ho! Ho! and a bottle of rum," in _Treasure Island_. +Then there is one line in "Q.'s" story, "And here a strange thing +happened," which must call to mind Mr. RIDER HAGGARD'S patent of "and +now a strange thing happened." "Q."--rious coincidence, isn't it? But +a "coincidence" is not likely to annoy Mr. HAGGARD. + +In the first part the most impatient reader will find that he cannot +afford to skip a couple of lines without detriment to the narrative, +but in the second part he may skip handfuls, as the lovemaking is +common-place, and time is wasted over the tragedy which is written by +one of the heroes, and over the description of their life in London. +But on the other hand the scene in the gambling-house is exciting +and artistically worked up,--and coming immediately after this, the +lovemaking is uncommonly tame,--and the scene at the Theatre is also +very good, but after this there is a lull in the excitement until +the end approaches, when there is one very strong situation. But the +actual finish is weak. So the summing up is that the first part is +first-rate, and the second part is, on the whole, second-rate. But who +is "Q."? + +That is the Q. and what is the A.? _Deadman's Rock_ is not a good book +for very nervous persons or children: for the latter _Almond Rock_ +would be far preferable. + + * * * * * + +THE MUSE IN MANACLES. + +(_By an Envious and Irritable Bard, after reading "Ballades and +Rondeaus," just published, and wishing he could do anything like any +of them._) + + Bored by the Ballade, vexed by Villanelle, + Of Rondeau tired, and Triolet as well! + +THE BALLADE. + +(_In Bad Weather._) + + Oh! I'm in a terrible plight-- + For how can I rhyme in the rain? + 'Tis pouring from morn until night: + So bad is the weather again, + My language is almost profane! + Though shod with the useful galosh, + I'm racked with rheumatical pain-- + I think that a Ballade is bosh! + + I know I am looking a fright; + That knowledge, I know, is in vain; + My "brolly" is not water-tight, + But hopelessly rended in twain + And spoilt by the rude hurri_cane_! + Though clad in a stout mackintosh, + My temper I scarce can restrain-- + I think that a Ballade is bosh! + + Oh, I'm an unfortunate wight! + The damp is affecting my brain; + My woes I would gladly recite, + In phrases emphatic and plain, + Your sympathy could I obtain. + I don't think my verses will wash, + They're somewhat effete and inane-- + I think that a Ballade is bosh! + +ENVOY. + + I fancy I'm getting insane, + I'm over my ankles in slosh; + But let me repeat the refrain-- + I think that a Ballade is bosh! + +THE VILLANELLE. + +(_With Vexation._) + + I do not like the Villanelle, + I think it somewhat of a bore-- + This tinkle of a Muffin-bell! + + The reason why I cannot tell; + Each day I fancy, more and more, + I do not like the Villanelle! + + It makes me stamp and storm and yell, + It makes me wildly rage and roar: + This tinkle of a Muffin-bell! + + I look upon it as a sell, + Its use I constantly deplore; + I do not like the Villanelle! + + Poetic thoughts it must dispel, + It very often tries me sore: + This tinkle of a Muffin-bell! + + For this I know, and know full well-- + Let me repeat it o'er and o'er!-- + I do not like the Villanelle, + This tinkle of a Muffin-bell! + +THE TRIOLET. + +(_In a Temper._) + + A triolet's scarcely the thing-- + Unless you would carol in fetters! + If lark-like you freely would sing, + A Triolet's scarcely the thing: + I miss the poetical ring, + I'm told that it has, by my betters! + A Triolet's scarcely the thing-- + Unless you would carol in fetters! + +THE RONDEAU. + +(_In a Rage._) + + Pray tell me why we can't agree + To bid the merry Muse run free? + Pray tell me why we should incline + To see her in a Rondeau pine, + Or sigh in shackled minstrelsy? + Why can't she sing with lark-like glee, + And revel in bright _jeux d'esprit_? + Where form can't fetter or confine-- + Pray tell me why? + + Pray tell me why that frisky gee, + Called Pegasus, should harnessed be? + Why bit and bridle should combine + To all his liveliness consign,-- + To deck the Rondeau's narrow line-- + Pray tell me why? + + * * * * * + +BAD NEWS FOR TEA-DRINKERS. + +[Illustration: A Simple Clearance under Protest.] + +We learn from a report of the proceedings of the City Commissioners of +Sewers last week, that those vigilant protectors of the health of our +ancient City had before them a case that fairly puzzled them, and in +its strangeness and difficulty would probably have puzzled even a more +judicial body than they probably pretend to be. It would seem that +they had received a note of warning from the eminent firm of FRANCIS +PEEK & CO., that a large parcel of tea was about to be submitted +to public auction which was "simple filth," and utterly unfit for +consumption. + +A Commissioner stated that he was present at the Sale that morning, +and that the whole quantity, consisting of 1000 Chests, had been +sold, duty paid (it must have been cleared at the Custom House with or +without protest), at one halfpenny per pound! The natural expectation +was that the "simple filth" as it had been termed by experts, would +be at once seized by the officials and destroyed, but this strange +difficulty arose. The Medical Officer of Health stated that he had +analyzed a sample of the tea in question, and could not swear before a +Magistrate that it was unfit for use! He stated too, as a specimen +of the wisdom of our legislators, that, by Act of Parliament, Tea +was specially exempted from the operations of Public Analysts! So the +willing Commissioners found themselves powerless to act, but referred +the whole matter to their Sanitary Committee, who, we understand, will +at their next meeting take tea, instead of luncheon, made from the +remains of the sample, and report the result. + +In the meantime _Mr. Punch_, ever ready to assist in a good cause, +dispatched one of his City young men to make further inquiries, who +reported that he had visited the Auction Mart on three successive days +at lunch-time, and had asked one or two of the sharpest-looking of the +crowd, as possible purchasers of the wondrous tea, to lunch with him, +which they had willingly done; but, although he says he lunched them +copiously, they one and all denied any knowledge of the tea sale in +question. + + * * * * * + +"SHEPHERD _V._ KEEVIL."--_Mem_; Christian maxim for a Pastor or +Shepherd, "Do not think eevil of your neighbour." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +On page 181, "influenced" was missing the letter "d", and on page 183, +"enliten" was missing its first "e". These have been corrected. + +On page 185, "Gringore" was changed to "Gringoire" for consistency. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +93., October 22, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 37078.txt or 37078.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/0/7/37078/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |