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diff --git a/36981.txt b/36981.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5dc55f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/36981.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2062 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 150, +April 19, 1916, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 150, April 19, 1916 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: August 5, 2011 [EBook #36981] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APR 19, 1916 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David Garcia and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 150. + +APRIL 19, 1916. + + +[Illustration: _Overworked and exasperated Colonel (who has told Adjutant +to answer the telephone)._ "WELL, WHAT THE BLAZES DO THEY WANT?" + +_Adjutant._ "IT'S THE C.O. OF THE BLANKSHIRES, SIR; WANTS YOU TO REPEAT +THE FUNNY STORY YOU TOLD HIM LAST NIGHT AT MESS."] + + * * * * * + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +The recent Zeppelin raids have not been without their advantages. In a +spirit of emulation an ambitious hen at Acton has laid an egg weighing +5-1/4 oz. + + * * * + +The opponents of Colonel ROOSEVELT regard the advice given in the title +of his new book, _Fear God and take your own part_, to be unusually +moderate as coming from one who, whatever he may have said to the contrary, +is very generally suspected of being prepared to take the part that is +at present being played by President WILSON. + + * * * + +At a meeting of the "No-Conscription Fellowship" last week, Mr. PHILIP +SNOWDEN referred to the Conscientious Objectors as the "Salt of the +Earth." Perhaps, but we don't care to have them rubbed into us. + + * * * + +Germany has addressed a Note to the United States explaining that the +_Sussex_ could not possibly have been torpedoed for the reason that the +submarine commander who sank the vessel had no difficulty in drawing +a picture of her which closely resembled a totally different ship. + + * * * + +It is announced that the care of the great vine at Hampton Court has been +taken over by the Office of Works from the Board of Green Cloth. It is +rumoured that the latter body, which has been of late somewhat lost sight +of, is to be entrusted with the general supervision of our aerial forces. + + * * * + +So successful have been the electrically-heated footwarmers supplied +to the police of Pittsburg, Pa, that the State Department is said to +be contemplating their adoption. + + * * * + +For shouting "The Zepps are coming!" a Grimsby girl has been fined +L1. It was urged in defence that the girl suffered from hallucinations, +one of which was that she was a daily newspaper proprietor. + + * * * + +While announcing in Parliament last week that the Zoo would have to +pay the Amusement Tax the CHANCELLOR promised to "keep an open mind in +regard to any representations that might be made on the subject." Mr. +MCKENNA, we understand, has since received a strong representation from +the hippopotamus, protesting that, while he and his fellow-pachyderms are +commonly considered as instructive, their natural dignity precludes them +from attempting to provide amusement in any form. + + * * * + +"In twenty years' time," says Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING, "the aeroplane will +bring about universal peace." This statement will come as a distinct shock +to many who imagined that with Mr. BILLING at Westminster it might be +expected to achieve this desirable result in about twenty days. + + * * * + +The Gaslight and Coke Co., in the interests of economy, are proposing +to abandon the painting of street lamp-posts. The chief patrons of +these institutions, they say, will be quite satisfied as long as the +lamp-posts still feel the same to the touch. + + * * * + +A woman doctor has lately advanced the theory that talking leads to long +life; but an attested married man of our acquaintance assures us that +this is a mistake, and that it merely makes it seem longer. + + * * * * * + + "BURY MARRIED MEN AND LORD DERBY." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +A tempting solution of the Government's problem, but perhaps a little +too mediaeval for these times. + + * * * * * + + + + +METHODS OF A GERMAN MISSIONARY. + +[See note to Cartoon on opposite page.] + +_The Sultan soliloquises:--_ + + + MEHMOUD, the gilt is off your idol's crown; + Clear shows the clay beneath the chipped enamel; + In sporting phrase, your dibs have been planked down + On the wrong camel. + + This WILLIAM had a God he called his peer, + And yet must needs take on a new religion; + Spoke well of ALLAH; in His Shadow's ear + Cooed like a pigeon; + + Pressed you to join him in a Holy War; + Advanced the wherewithal you badly needed; + And taught you how to go for Christian gore + The same as he did. + + And now, where Afric's fountains fling their balm, + In his last place within the sun, 'tis written + With how remote a love for dear Islam + Your Bosch was bitten. + + He hoped to stamp your creed out, branch and root; + This missionary meant to take your Arabs + And crush their souls beneath his mailed boot + Like crawling scarabs. + + And if they still ignored his ponderous heel, + If still their faith in ALLAH stood unshaken, + He looked to stimulate a local zeal + For heathen bacon! + + MEHMOUD, it is too much! Sick Man you are, + Yet in your veins I hope enough of vigour is + To tell this WILLIAM he has gone too far + With his damned piggeries! + + O. S. + + + * * * * * + + + + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +No. XXXVII. + +(_From Dr. LIEBKNECHT._) + + +If such trifling matters as the meeting of the Reichstag now occupy any +portion of your Majesty's attention, it may please you to learn that my +membership of that august body has been temporarily suspended. At the +same time I should be sorry that your Majesty should labour under any +misapprehension as to what happened. No doubt I was forbidden to speak, +though I am the representative of people whose voices have a right to be +heard even in the unhappy Parliament which is all that the German Empire +is allowed to provide for the subjects of the German KAISER. But I wish +you to understand that I was not silenced before I had said aloud nearly +everything that I had in my mind to say. It is true that I did not make +any formal speech. The bellowing blockheads who now arrogate to themselves +the name of patriots and all the virtues of patriotism were easily able +to prevent me from doing this, and I was forced, therefore, to confine +myself to short and sharp interjections thrown in at appropriate moments +while BETHMANN-HOLLWEG, that arch-impostor, was proving to the whole world +that even if Germany had a good case he is the last man who would be able +to place it in a convincing manner before the judgment of the world. + +Your Majesty has had a long practice in the use of words. You pride +yourself on the glorious and beneficial effect of such speeches as that +in which you condescendingly praised the Almighty for having allied +Himself with you, very much, as it appeared, to His own advantage, +or that other speech in which you announced to your conscripts their +duty to shoot down their parents if in some momentary whim you ordered +them to do it, or even that other brave and Imperial harangue in which +you declared your humane and merciful designs on the Chinese people. I +have no doubt, then, that if you could be induced to speak your opinion +fairly and openly you would admit that, though you yourself could, of +course, have done better, I did not do so very badly in my little bout +with poor BETHMANN. At any rate I spoke the truth, which is an inconvenient +course of conduct, and made BETHMANN look the fool that everybody (except, +perhaps, your Majesty) knows him to be. + +Indeed, your Majesty, a fool who is also arrogant is a very terrible +thing. When BETHMANN, for instance, spoke of Germany's love for her +neighbours, and in particular for the small nations, he delivered himself +into my hands. All I had to do--and I did it--was to remind him that he +proved his love by jumping upon them and strangling them. In a moment +the whole fabric of his stupid argument was shattered and he was left +gaping open-mouthed and without an answer before the whole world. The +incident showed the man's mind and his disposition in a lightning flash, +and from all countries, even from wretched Belgium and from ruined Serbia, +there came a laugh of hatred and contempt. Why are we so hated? Not +because we are great and powerful and prosperous, but because we make our +greatness an incubus, our power a tyranny and our prosperity an offence. + +Fools like BETHMANN do not see this. They and their fellow-fools, some +of them quite brilliant men, with high notions on literature and music and +the drama, are for ever in a state of jealous fear. They have the mania +of persecution and imagine that all other countries are leagued against +them for the purpose of wiping Germany off the map. Then they lose their +unfortunate heads and strike out blindly to right and left. The other +nations have no course open to them except to defend themselves as best +they may, and then Herr BETHMANN and his superior fools shout out that +this wicked defensive proves up to the hilt that when they spoke of +conspiracies they were fully justified and that Germany for her own safety +must smash and in the end control every other country under the sun. + +And yet, your Majesty, the time will come when we must have peace. This +pouring out of blood, this tremendous waste of money and lives must some +day have an end. Those are the best patriots who would put a stop to it +as soon as possible, for the longer you defer peace the more difficult +it becomes to make it. We have been told of great victories, but they +profit us not at all. All is desolation and cruelty and confusion. And +those who think most of Germany know best how bitterly she needs peace. + +Your truth-telling but suspended subject, + + LIEBKNECHT. + + * * * * * + + + "THE LIAR'S PUNISHMENT. + + "_The Matin_ points out the predicament in which the German High + Command must have found itself yesterday when editing its daily + _communique_. No doubt it wished to place on record with all + customary exaggeration the slight advantage gained on the slopes + of the Dead Man. But how can the German High Command state this + convincingly when for over a week it has solemnly announced the + complete capture of the Dead Man? It has therefore to maintain + silence as the only expedient."--_Evening News_. + +On the principle: "_De mortuis nil nisi bonum_." + + * * * * * + + + "We are told that the maximum of the income-tax duty will be + reached at five shillings in the pound, a figure that will recall + the Budgets of the Neapolitan wars."--_Irish Paper._ + + +When, as now, Vesuvians were so heavily taxed. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: LOVE ME, LOVE MY PIG. [Captured documents show that the +German Government had schemed to stamp out Mohammedanism in East Africa +both by force and by the encouragement of pig-breeding.]] + + + + +GRASS VALLEY ARMISTICE. + + +"'E didn't mean to do it," he said, touching the bandages on his head. +"Oh no, quite an accident. It was a foo-de-joy--doorin' the armistice. +Wot, haven't you 'eard of Grass Valley Armistice?" + +I said I couldn't recall it for the moment. + +"It was doorin' September," he said; lasted two hours. Sergeant Duffin +started it. + +"'E was out on a patrol one night, and suddenly 'e comes rashin' back +over the parapet and goes chargin' down to the Major's dug-out with a +face like this 'ere sheet. + +"'They'me comin',' ses Bints 'oo was next to me, and we were just goin' +to loose off a round or two, when we 'eard ole Duffy 'ollerin' in the +Major's bunk. + +"'Barbed wire's gone, Sir,' 'e ses. + +"'Wot?' ses the Major. + +"''Ave to report the wire's gone,' ses Duffy again. + +"'Tell Lootenant Bann,' drawls the ole man, as if someone 'ad told +'im tea was ready. + +"When Bann 'ears the noos, 'e fires a light up. + +"'Can't see none,' 'e mutters, quite annoyed, and off 'e goes over the +top to find out for sure. In 'alf-an-hour 'e was back again. + +"'The blighters 'ave pinched our wire,' 'e ses to the Major. 'They've +drawed across them chevoo-der-freezes I put out, and stuck them on their +own dirty scrap-'eap.' + +"'Fetch 'em back,' says the Major, very off-'and like. + +"'Right-O,' says Bann. 'Right-O.' For 'e'd spent three solid hours +puttin' the wire out. + +"'Fetch a pick an' some rope,' 'e ses to Duffy. 'I'm goin' to 'arpoon +our wire.' Then he ties the rope to the 'andle of the pick and trots +off over the parapet. + +"After a bit we 'ears the pick land amongst the barbed wire with a rattle +like a bike smash, an' the next minit back comes young Bann, sprintin' +like a 'are an' uncoilin' the rope on the way. + +"'Now then,' he shouts, jumpin' into the trench, 'man the rope!' an' we +lines up ready down the communication trench. ''Aul away,' 'e 'ollers, +an' back we goes, pullin' like transport-mules. + +"It give a few inches to start with, an' then a foot or two, an' then, +just when the wire must 'ave been 'alf-way 'ome it suddenly stuck fast. + +"'Must 'ave caught on summat,' ses Bann, an' sets off with 'is +wire-cutters to clear it. + +"''Eave,' grunts ole Jones at the end of the rope. ''Eave-o, my +'earties,' an' then 'e knocks up against the ration-party comin' +'ome down the communication trench. ''Ang on, mates,' 'e shouts to +them, an' down goes the bully bif, an' the next minit a loud rip an' +some bad language told us 'is coat couldn't stand it. + +"We got some more chaps at it then, but the rope never budged an inch. + +"Then Bann comes runnin' back again, very excited-lookin'. 'Look out!' +he shouts; 'the Bosches 'ave got a rope 'itched on, too.' + +"Sure enough, the next minit the Germans puts their weight on, and pulls +'alf of us right over the bloomin' parapet. + +"The Major comes along then, and when 'e sees the state of things 'e +looks quite solemn, for there was only Lootenant Bann and ole Jones +left in the trench. + +"Where's the team?' 'e snaps, as severe as if you'd come on parade +without your rifle. + +"'Fall in, tug-o-war team,' sings out Duffy, and our eight, 'oo 'ad been +lookin' on rather superior like, moistens their 'ands and stands to. + +"'This is your work,' ses the Major to them, very significant. + +"'Take the strain,' 'ollers Duffy, and the evenin' doo fair streamed +out of the rope when they put their weight on. Back goes our team, two +foot at least, whilst the lads cheers and yells as if we was winnin' +the divisional prize on Salisbury Plain again. + +"By this time the Bosches was just as excited as we were. They was +rushin' about in the open with our men, 'owling their lingo and firin' +off their rifles for encouragement. I stopped a shot somebody 'ad aimed +at the sky for joy. + +"When old Binks and the German chap 'oo 'ad done it was carryin' me +back to our trench, I saw the Major come rushin' past. + +"'Go it, men,' 'e sings out to our chaps, and then off 'e sprints again, +to finish a bet he was makin' with the German officer. + +"For an hour and a 'alf the excitement was awful. Up and down went that +wire until the place looked like a ploughed field. First we gained an +inch, then Germany 'ad a couple, then England gets one back, and up goes +our caps again. Everybody was rushin' about yellin', and ole Binks, +'oo knows a bit of German, made a nice bit of money at interpretin'. + +"Then things suddenly got worse. Our eight 'ung on like 'eroes, +everyone swearin' 'e wouldn't loose that rope if 'e was pulled into the +KAYSER's bloomin' bedroom; but sure enough the Huns was slowly winnin'. +Inch by inch we saw our chaps give way, black in the face at the notion of +bein' beat. The Bosches yelled like 'eathens, and was shakin' hands with +everybody. Then all of a sudden young Bann comes rushin' up to the Major, +'oo was takin' four to one with a chap from Coburg. + +"'Stop, Sir!' I 'ears 'im shout. 'Stop the contest! The dirty blighters +are usin' a _windlass_.' + +"'Wot?' 'owls the Major, goin' purple at the thought of international +laws bein' disregarded like that. + +"'Take the men off the rope,' 'e orders. 'We hunderstood we was pullin' +with gentlemen,' 'e ses very dignified, and then thinkin', no doubt, +of the four to one in dollars 'e 'd 'ave won if they'd played fair 'e +orders us to stand to and give them ten rounds rapid; and 'e used such +language on the telephone that the Artillery thought we was attacked, +and loosed off every shell they could lay hands on. So the War started +again, you see. + +He touched his head and thought a minute. "That was Grass Valley +Armistice," he said finally, and relapsed into silence. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: WAR ECONOMY. + +_Street Hawker (to chatty old lady)._ "YES, MUM, I'M BEING BADLY 'IT. YER +SEE, ALL MY BISNESS COMES UNDER THE 'EAD OF LUXURIES."] + + * * * * * + + "In Prize Court Attorney-General read affidavit showing there + were gangs in Germany, America and other neutral countries + engaged in evading our blockade." + + _Liverpool Echo._ + +It will take more than an affidavit to convince us that Germany is +a neutral. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: OUR ADOPTED ALIENS. + +_He._ "THAT'S MANNHEIM--CHAP I WAS SPEAKING ABOUT." + +_She._ "MADE IN GERMANY, I SUPPOSE?" + +_He._ "NO. MADE IN ENGLAND--ONLY BORN IN GERMANY."] + + * * * * * + + + + +SAINT GEORGE OF ENGLAND. + +_His Day, April 23rd._ + + + SAINT GEORGE he was a fighting man, as all the tales do tell; + He fought a battle long ago, and fought it wondrous well; + With his helmet and his hauberk and his good cross-hilted sword, + Oh, he rode a-slaying Dragons to the glory of the Lord. + And when his time on earth was done he found he could not rest + Where the year is always Summer in the Islands of the Blest, + So back he came to earth again to see what he could do, + And they cradled him in England-- + In England, April England-- + Oh, they cradled him in England where the golden willows blew! + + SAINT GEORGE he was a fighting man and loved a fighting breed, + And whenever England wants him now he's ready to her need; + From Crecy field to Neuve Chapelle, he's there with hand and sword, + And he sailed with DRAKE from Devon to the glory of the Lord. + His arm is strong to smite the wrong and break the tyrant's pride; + He was there when NELSON triumphed, he was there when GORDON died; + He sees his Red-Cross ensign float on all the winds that blow, + But ah! his heart's in England-- + In England, April England-- + His heart it dreams of England where the golden willows grow. + + SAINT GEORGE he was a fighting man; he's here and fighting still, + While any wrong is yet to right or Dragon yet to kill; + And faith! he's finding work this day to suit his war-worn sword, + For he's strafing Huns in Flanders to the glory of the Lord! + SAINT GEORGE he is a fighting man, but, when the fighting's past, + And dead amid the trampled fields the fiercest and the last + Of all the Dragons earth has known beneath his feet lies low, + Ah, his heart will turn to England-- + To England, April England-- + He'll come home to rest in England where the golden willows blow. + + * * * * * + + + + +GLORY O' ENGLAND. + +(_At the "Plough and Horses."_) + + +"Glory o' England, be passin', sure 'nough." + +"She been passin' ever since I been 'ere to tell o' it, seems to me. 'Ow +be she passin' now more 'n ordinary times, Luther Cherriman?" + +"Way as is nearest to sudden death, George. 'Er young men gettin' that +soft an' sloppy-like that there ain't no tellin' some of 'em from gals." + +"Gals be comin' 'long won'erful--not much to complain o' wi' they. +Drivin' motors, they be, an' diggin' an' all." + +"Times be changin' fast; nigh time women wore the breeches an' done wi' +it, now." + +"I did think as our lads was doin' their bit middlin' well, too, out +to Front. I did seem to 'ear they 'd counted f'r a German or two, +first an' last." + +"Fightin' Germans is a man's _work_ just to present--if 'e be strong +'nough an' young 'nough an' all rest of it. But ye can't judge a man by +'is work 'lone, not to make a proper man of 'im. Sport did used to be +the glory o' England, in my young days. An' now the young uns ain't +got spunk 'nough to shoot a rabbit." + +"That be an 'ard sayin', Luther, if ye like. 'Oo be you 'ludin' to +partic'lar?" + +"I be 'ludin' to young Squire--'oo did ought to set a good 'xample in this +'ere village, if anyone ought." + +"'E were th' first to go when th' War broke out, though 'e be th' only +son of 'is parents. An' more 'n 'alf of our chaps went 'cos of 'im, so +'tis said." + +"That's all right, far as it goes----" + +"I've 'eard say as 'e 've got a few more t' join ev'ry blessed time +'e've been 'ome on leave. They do say 'e be mortal keen." + +"I don't say nothin' 'bout 'im shootin' Germans--I knows nothin' +'bout that. But in these 'ome fields I 'ave seen what I 'ave seen--no +longer ago 'n yesterday." + +"Be it too much to ask ye, then, what ye 'ave seen, Luther?" + +"I seen a sight as tells me glory o' England be on th' wane. I seen +young Squire loppin' 'bout 'ome fields an' 'is bits o' span'els at +'is 'eels same as ever. An' yet 'e looked that strange like I couldn't +take m' eyes off of 'im. An' then it come over me all of a sudden what +'twas. 'Where be y'r gun, Sir?' I shouts to 'im over th' stile." + +"What did 'e say to question personal as that?" + +"'E come up to me an' I sees 'e got bunch o' daffodils in 'is 'and. 'These +things smell o' Heaven,' 'e says, smilin' quiet. 'My gun is in the +rack, Cherriman,' 'e says, 'where it's like to be.' 'Lor' love me, +Sir,' says I, 'that do be strange, surelye, wi' th' rabbits 'oppin' +'round y' feet like a lot o' gals courtin' o' ye.' 'Strange,' 'e says; +'but we lives in strange times now, Cherriman. An' I've seen slaughter +'nough in Flanders to serve me for th' moment,' 'e says." + +"'E said that?" + +"'E did. An' white 'e went as 'e said it--you see the white comin' +up under the brown of 'im." + +"Pickin daffs?" + +"Like some bloomin' gal." + +"Didn't 'e say nothin' more?" + +"'You dunno what it's like,' 'e says, 'to be back in this old place--to +smell the good old Sussex clay, to watch the plovers flyin', to pick +these flowers. You dunno what it's like, Cherriman,' 'e says, 'seein' +you ain't come back to it from 'ell. Rabbits be safe 'nough from me now,' +'e says, an' drops his daffs all unknowin' like an' goes off at a mooney +stride. An' 'e finest shot in th' county, some do say--an' I believes +'em!" + +"Teh, Luther--stop yer jaw! There be young Squire a-comin'. An' bless +me if 'e ain't ..." + +"Here, you two old rascals, I've been looking for you--for you, anyhow, +Cherriman. Here's a rabbit apiece for your suppers--shot 'em myself." + +"Thank ye kindly, Sir. But I thought as you'd give up shootin'?" + +"I thought so too, Cherriman--till I saw your face in the field yesterday. +And then I said to myself, I must regain Cherriman's respect if it means +the hardest bit of shooting I've ever done here or in Flanders." + +"That's right, Sir! Don't do to let glory o' England die. Thank ye kindly +for rabbits, Sir--us'll enjoy 'em proper." + +"Hope you'll break your last tooth on them, Cherriman--that's what +I hope." + +"Glory o' England's more to me, Sir, 'n an 'ole set o' teeth at my time +o' life." + + * * * * * + + "MARRIED MEN PROPOSALS EXPLAINED." + + _"Evening News" poster._ + +Are not these revelations just a little hard on our friends' wives? + + * * * * * + + +The Art of Journalistic Expansion. + + "The 'Russky Invalid' states: 'The Caucasus army has performed + a miracle which in military history will be remembered for years + to come.'"--_The Age (Melbourne)._ + + "'General Russky, though an invalid, and his Caucasus army,' + declares _The Messenger_, 'have performed a miracle which military + history will remember for years to come.'" + + _The Argus (Melbourne)._ + + * * * * * + + + + +THE ROLLING STONE. + + + At Cambridge, where on field or flood + He shone like a GOLDIE or a STUDD, + He was an intellectual "blood." + + He made the grimmest dons unbend, + And missed his First, right at the end, + For he cut his Tripos--to nurse a friend. + + Then he wrote a novel. The weekly press + Declared it was worthy of R.L.S.; + But it wasn't a great financial success. + + So, after a spell at the Bar, he flew + To the rubber-fields in remote Peru, + But stayed there only a month or two. + + For he suddenly conceived a plan + Of studying music at Milan, + Where he sang in the style of the great god Pan. + + I heard him sing in the Albert Hall + In the chorus of MENDELSSOHN's _St. Paul_, + And his voice was the loudest of them all. + + Next he leased a Colorado mine, + And dealt in Californian wine, + And rented a ranche in the Argentine. + + But whatever the job and whatever the pay + I certainly never knew him to stay + Anywhere as long as a year and a day-- + + Except one job, which is not yet done, + Though twenty months ago begun, + Of holding and hammering the Hun. + + His horoscope I have never scanned, + But as long as there's any fighting on hand + The rolling stone has come to a stand. + + * * * * * + + +Irreplaceable. + +Evidence of a conscientious and candid objector:-- + + "I am sure the Rector could not get anyone to take my place, + as Cowley is now empty, and there are no loafers about." + + _Gloucester Citizen._ + + * * * * * + + "The first cases to come before the tribunal were appeals from + three Thirsk butchers, for the exemption of their respective + slaughtermen. Mr. Johnson said he killed himself about 20 + years ago. He thought he would start again."--_Darlington and + Stockton Times._ + +Very difficult to repeat the first fine careless rapture of a successful +suicide. + + * * * * * + + "No, while it is a crime to spend money extravagantly on dress, + it is just as emphatically one to abstain from it altogether." + + _Daily Chronicle._ + +If _The Daily Chronicle_ says so, we accept it. There is no paper for +whose judgment we have a more profound regard. + + * * * * * + + +MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE DRAMA OF STUDIO LIFE. + + +[Illustration: CLARENCE ALLARDYCE, THE RISING YOUNG ARTIST, CANNOT IN +ALL LONDON FIND A MODEL WORTHY TO POSE FOR THE HAIR IN HIS MASTERPIECE, +"THE WOOD NYMPH." ON THE EVE OF THE EXHIBITION HE TELLS HIS TROUBLE +TO HIS FRIEND, CHARLES CARFAX, WHO, WITH HIS FIANCEE, HAS VISITED THE +STUDIO.] + +[Illustration: THAT EVENING, AS HE SITS IN HIS STUDIO BEWAILING HIS +LOT, A MYSTERIOUS VISITOR IS USHERED IN.] + +[Illustration: SHE UNVEILS HER HEAD, AND IN DUE COURSE THE MASTERPIECE +IS FINISHED.] + +[Illustration: THE NEXT DAY A FASHIONABLE CROWD THRONGS ALLARDYCE'S +STUDIO TO VIEW THE PICTURE BEFORE ITS DEPARTURE TO THE EXHIBITION. AMONG +THEM IS CARFAX, WHO, RECOGNISING HIS FIANCEE'S HAIR, IS OVERCOME WITH +RAGE AND THREATENS TO DESTROY THE PICTURE.] + +[Illustration: AS HE IS ABOUT TO EXECUTE HIS FELL PURPOSE HE IS +STOPPED BY HIS FIANCEE. "STAY!" SHE CRIES. "IT IS NOT AS YOU SUPPOSE. IT +_IS_ MY HAIR, BUT--I WEAR A WIG. I SENT IT TO HIM BY POST." BY THIS NOBLE +LIE SHE SAVES THE PICTURE AT THE COST OF HER MATRIMONIAL HOPES.] + +[Illustration: CAST OFF BY CARFAX, THE HEROINE VISITS THE EXHIBITION +ALONE. THERE SHE IS FOUND BY CLARENCE, WHO ASKS HER TO SHARE WITH HIM +THE FAME AND FORTUNE WHICH SHE HAS BROUGHT HIM.] + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Face Massage Specialist._ "NO DOUBT, SIR, YOUR SPEECHES +ON FRIGHTFULNESS HAVE AFFECTED YOUR EXPRESSION." + +_Prussian Orator._ "WELL, YOU MUST DO THE BEST YOU CAN FOR ME. TO-NIGHT +I HAVE TO SPEAK ON 'OUR LOVE FOR THE SMALLER NATIONS.'"] + + * * * * * + + + + +ROUND ABOUT THE RESTAURANTS. + + +The famous QUEX having relinquished the raree show of London--its lunches, +its beauties, its theatres, its celebrities and its suppers--to take part +in this boring and extremely inconvenient War, how proper that he should +be succeeded by a younger _flaneur_! Behold then QUEX MINIMUS busy as a +chronicler in your service. + + * * * * * + +Met Sir Loney Loon at the Fitz, where I had the greatest difficulty in +finding a host. Succeeded, however, at last, but as he was an unknown +person I do not mention him here. Sir Loney told me he was thinking of +standing as Independent candidate when next there is a vacancy, being so +utterly tired of the Coalition and all its incompetencies. Fancy, said he, +after at least ten years of existence, aviation not being perfect! And +the iniquity of any hitch whatever in any department after nearly two +years of war! All I can say is I hope the famous magnate wins. + + * * * * * + +Heard Lord and Lady Provender eating their soup at the Barlton grill, +where I had an excellent position behind the screen. His lordship looks +older than he did in 1893, when he was in India. Her ladyship was wearing +the famous Sheepshanks agates. + + * * * * * + +Talked to Dicky Post, the famous trainer, after Newmarket. He said it +was most gratifying to see how finely racing men took the War. No one +could visit the historic course and not realise what a wonderful country +England was. To see the jockeys doing their bit on this mount and that, +no matter how they might kick or plunge or buck, was a real tonic and +indicated what stuff they were made of. He said that M. HUMBERT's recent +article on the need for the Allies of France to be as much in earnest as +she was, had a very favourable reception on the Heath. + + * * * * * + +Met, at Liro's, Harry Wagtail, who is the author of most of the best _bons +mots_ of the day, although they go into circulation usually under other +men's names. Paying the new income-tax, he said, will be like selling +the gold in your teeth to discharge the dentist's bill. + + * * * * * + +Watched a famous millionaire at the Vasoy wondering whether he dare +flout public opinion and the economy campaign by eating a plover's egg. +Finally he got under the table to eat it unperceived, and was most +surprised to find me there. + + QUEX MINIMUS. + + * * * * * + + +"MIGHT BE DUE TO PICTURES. + + "Magistrate and three Leeds youths charged with warehouse-breaking," + + _Yorkshire Evening News._ + +We regret to see that the demoralizing influence of the cinema appears +to have extended to the Bench. + + * * * * * + + "On arrival at the Hook there was nothing left whatever in the + way of eatables, and even the greater part of those saved were + still in their nightdresses."--_Scotsman._ + +_Pommes de terre en robe de chambre_, we presume. + + * * * * * + + "A MEMORY.--Thirty-nine years ago Miss Mary Rorke was playing + with John Hare, now Sir John, in the famous old play, 'Old Men and + New Acres.'"--_Daily Paper._ + +A treacherous memory. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: THE REPUDIATION. + +MARTIN LUTHER (_to SHAKESPEARE_). "I SEE MY COUNTRYMEN CLAIM YOU AS ONE OF +THEM. YOU MAY THANK GOD THAT YOU'RE NOT THAT. THEY HAVE MADE MY +WITTENBERG--AY, AND ALL GERMANY--TO STINK IN MY NOSTRILS."] + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: GRANDFATHER'S NEW HAT.] + + + + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + + +_Monday, April 10th._--Some sadness mingled with the cheers that greeted +the moving of the writ for the Wimbledon Division. The House is pleased +that Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN's long services to the State should have received +the customary reward of a peerage, but it will miss his genial and +majestic presence. Though an unfortunate accident in 1906 (a year +prolific in electoral casualties) debarred him from becoming the titular +Father of the House, his venerable appearance, his courtly and old-world +bearing, and his full-bodied eloquence gave him an uncontested claim +to be regarded as its Grandfather. Lord CLAUD HAMILTON, the only other +survivor of the Parliament of 1868, will now feel very lonely. + +[Illustration: POP! + +MR. WILL THORNE.] + +The best things said at a public meeting are often uttered by an +anonymous "Voice." Mr. WILL THORNE is the "Voice" of the House of Commons. +Endowed with a fine pair of lungs and a style of delivery that resembles +the cork coming out of a ginger-beer bottle he frequently expresses in +his explosive style the collective opinion of his fellow-Members. At +Question time Lord ROBERT CECIL referred to the abominable treatment of +British prisoners of war at the Wittenberg camp, and said that steps were +being taken to circulate in neutral countries the report of Mr. Justice +YOUNGER's Committee. There was a sudden "Pop," and out came Mr. THORNE with +"Send it to the conscientious objectors." + +On the Second Reading of the Budget Mr. THOMAS O'CONNOR, as the SPEAKER +punctiliously calls him, led off with a vigorous attack upon the +match-tax. The discovery, made many years ago, that match-making as +then conducted caused a painful disease of the jaw first aroused T.P.'s +sympathetic interest. He now displayed an intimate acquaintance with +the details of the industry and discoursed learnedly on the shortage +of muriate of potash for the heads and of aspen for the splints. His +argument briefly amounted to this--that the manufacturers of matches, +like those of mustard, depended for their profits upon the amount wasted, +and that to check public extravagance would destroy the trade. + +The aspens on the Treasury Bench did not quiver visibly under +this assault. They were more amenable to the criticisms on the +railway-tax, which would fall very hardly upon commercial travellers +and other business people. Mr. MCKENNA promised to give careful +consideration to the criticisms before the Committee stage. Possibly it +has occurred to him that as the Government have undertaken to bring +the net receipts of the railway companies up to the 1914 level the +Exchequer might have to pay out of one pocket nearly as much as it puts +into the other. + +_Tuesday, April 11th._--One of the French Deputies visiting Westminster +thinks us a queer people. He had heard last night the PRIME MINISTER's +stout declaration of the Allies' resolve to bring Prussia's military +domination to an end. Again this afternoon he had been told on the same +high authority that the late Conference in Paris had reaffirmed the +entire solidarity of the Allies and established the complete identity +of their views. Then he had walked across the corridor to the House of +Lords, expecting, no doubt, to hear the same sentiments expressed in even +loftier language. Instead, he had to listen to Lord COURTNEY, in the +traditional yellow waistcoat, declaiming with all the vigour of his +_premiere jaunesse_ against the notion that we should enter into any +fiscal relations with our Allies that might imperil the sacred principles +of Free Trade. + +Lord COURTNEY believes that there is in Germany a large and powerful +peace-party, which must not be frightened by any threats of reprisals, +and he commends to the Allies in 1916 the example of BISMARCK in letting +the Austrians off easily in 1866. Our visitor was a little relieved by +the explanation that the orator was an interesting survival of a school +of thought now passed away, and represented no one but himself. But he +was again puzzled when Lord BRYCE, who knows as much about the manners +of the gentle Hun as anybody (witness his report on the atrocities in +Belgium), joined in the appeal that we should be nice to Germany after +the War. + +He was, however, somewhat comforted when Lord CREWE made it plain that +the Government did not share Lord COURTNEY's illusions about the strength +of the German peace-party, and, having regard to the manner in which +Germany had in the past combined commercial expansion with political +intrigue, could not hold out hopes that after the War we should do +business with her in the same old easy-going way. But if our French +friend is still not quite convinced that British statesmen fully realize +what the War means to him and his country I don't I think we can altogether +blame him. + +[Illustration: MARRIED MEN TRACKING DOWN THE SINGLE. + +"I am unable to say what steps the married men may take to track the +single."--_Mr. TENNANT, in the House._] + +In the Commons Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING developed his usual Tuesday "hate." +But on this occasion there was no reply from the Government heavy +batteries; little Mr. REA explaining that as the Hon. Member had failed +to warn them of his intention to bombard they had no ammunition ready. + +_Wednesday, April 12th._--Although, like another noble Earl, Lord SELBORNE +is "not an agricultural labourer," he does his best to play the part, and +save our food-producers from the maw of the hungry recruiting officer. +A representative of the Board of Agriculture now holds a watching brief +at every local Tribunal, to see that the Military representative does +not have things too much his own way. No wonder that the taxes mount +up faster than the recruiting returns. + +Time was when Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL successfully dissembled his affection +for the House of Lords. To-day his principal object in life is to purge +the roll of that illustrious House of the peerages now held by the +enemy Dukes of CUMBERLAND and ALBANY. The PRIME MINISTER was strangely +unsympathetic. Legislation would be necessary, and would occupy too much +time. "Three minutes," suggested Sir ARTHUR MARKHAM; but Mr. ASQUITH was +still obdurate, and seemed to think that as the Dukes in question had +lost their Garters they were sufficiently down-at-heel already. + +When packing his Budget a wise CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER always includes +some little tit-bit that he can throw to the wolves if they become too +insistent. In the present case the tax on railway tickets was marked +for abandonment at the outset, and to-day it met its expected fate. + +The Amusements tax was strenuously opposed by Mr. BARNES, on the ground +that most of the money would come from the poor; but Mr. MCKENNA frankly +replied that that was just what he intended. He agreed, however, to +consider the claim of the Zoo to exemption. The match-makers were partially +appeased by a promise that mechanical lighters should not be overlooked. +The CHANCELLOR is now in some doubt as to whether he or AESCHYLUS has +produced the more notable version of "Prometheus Bound." + +_Thursday, April 13th._--A provincial paper lately referred to Mr. MCKENNA +as the "Cancellor"--a humorous compositor's way, no doubt, of indicating +the modifications in the Budget. Hardly one of the proposed new taxes +has survived intact. Even the tax on mineral waters has had to undergo +considerable alteration. It was devised to get some contribution towards +the nation's needs from those who wear the blue ribbon of a beerless +life, and to that end the tax was to be collected by means of a stamp on +each individual bottle. But the manufacturers successfully protested that +the boys and girls who affix the labels already adorning these gaseous +wares could not be trusted to put on stamps as well. Mr. MONTAGU announced +this afternoon that the manufacturers would be taxed direct on their +certified output. But he did so with obvious reluctance, and as if what +was once a sparkling proposition had become indubitably flat and possibly +unprofitable. + + * * * * * + +Our Stylists. + + "Now and again a mirthless laugh rose silently to the red banks of + her lips." + + _Grand Magazine._ + + * * * * * + +Signature to a legal notice:-- + + "MONTGOMERYSHIRE HORSE REPOSITORY, E.C., Solicitors for the said + Administratrix." + + _Manchester Guardian._ + +If "the law is a hass" you are tempted to say, These equine attorneys +will answer, "Neigh, neigh." + + * * * * * + +Fashions for Female Humourists. + + "Blouses of the useful variety have jokes in various designs, the + sleeves cut in one with the joke are generally a modification." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +Our more subtle contributors prefer the latter kind, enabling them to +laugh up their sleeve. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: _Constable (failing to notice insignia of "Special")._ +"NAH, THEN, YOU! GET A MOVE ON YER UNLESS YER WANTS TO BE RUN IN FOR +LOITERING!"] + + + + +A NIGHT OUT WITH A ZEPPELIN. + +By Karl von Weekend + +(HYPHENATED NEUTRAL). + +PART I. + + _Somewhere in Germany,_ + _April 1st, 1916._ + + +I had just partaken of the frugal breakfast to which I had been invited +General Headquarters and was in the act of helping my distinguished +host, Feldmarschall von und zu Grosskopf-Esel, to remove some fragments +of sauerkraut from his ears, when a superbly-mounted orderly dashed +up and handed me a missive bearing the significant superscription, +"General Staff." I must confess that to me the messenger's manner +seemed sufficiently deferential. Not to my friend the Major-General, +who, with a sudden and well-placed kick in the stomach, sent the +unfortunate despatch-bearer hurtling down the steps. It was not for +me to inquire what the trouble was, and I mention the incident as one +more illustration of the iron discipline that has driven the gallant +troops of the Fatherland to victory on all fronts. + +Imagine my gratification on finding that the letter was an invitation to +inspect on the following morning the latest Zeppelin sheds at ---- and +to be a passenger on board one of the new airships that was scheduled +to pay a surprise visit to the fortress of London that same evening, +weather permitting. + +Punctually at seven on the following morning I found von und zu +Grosskopf-Esel waiting for me in the huge twenty-cylinder roadster +which the General Staff customarily places at the disposal of American +newspaper correspondents. Within the hour we were at ----, where I was +turned over to the good offices of Herr Ober-Leutnant von Dachswurst, +of the Imperial Flying Corps, who immediately conducted me to the shed +from which (when the weather is propitious) the aerial monsters depart +upon their errands of doom. + +I had expected to see two, or at most three, Zeppelins in the great +shed. Imagine my astonishment on beholding no fewer than a hundred +huge engines of destruction tugging impatiently at their moorings. I +was speechless. But the Ober-Leutnant read my thoughts. "What would you +say," he asked, smiling drily, "if I were to tell you that Germany to-day +possesses no fewer than one hundred such fleets of airships as you see +before you?" So overcome was I that I scarcely had the strength to ask +him why, up to that time, attacks had been usually carried out with +two or three ships only. He smiled still more at enigmatically. "You +must not ask me that," he said, "or at least you must first ask the +Grand Admiral why his five hundred submersible battle cruisers are +still at anchor in Kiel Harbour, or the General Staff why five million +of Germany's finest veteran troops are still doing the goose-step in +the Potsdam Thiergarten, or Herr HELFFERICH why the rate of exchange has +not been corrected by releasing some small portion of the ten thousand +billion marks that lie in the Imperial treasury at Spandau! Be patient," +he added. "Our perfidious enemies will bite the dust whenever it suits +our glorious leaders to say the word." + +I muttered something about the enormous German casualty lists. The +Ober-Leutnant smiled more enigmatically than ever. "A ruse to deceive +our enemies," he said. "Would it surprise you to know that up to date +the total German losses on all fronts amount to seventeen killed and +ninety-one wounded and missing, while our material losses have so far +been confined to three field guns left over from the Franco-German War +and five dozen cases of collapsible sausage rolls?" + +It was incredible, yet I could not but accept the statement as true, +and have in fact had ample opportunity since of verifying the assertions +of the gallant officer. + +"But come," he said; "it is time we were on board." + +The Zeppelins that were actually selected to conduct the proposed +operations were housed in another shed, and thither we repaired. We were +greeted at the gangway by the famous Captain Sigismund von Muenchhausen, +a gruff but hearty old mariner, who immediately escorted me into his +cabin and insisted on my enjoying a cigar and a glass of schnapps with +him. Once again I was struck with that almost Oriental charm of manner +which seems to lift the German Higher Command above the plane occupied +by the rest of the Occidental world. + +It was no doubt my impatience that caused me to interrupt the gallant +Captain's delightful flow of racy anecdote to ask when we should +start. My host smiled enigmatically. "By now," he said, "we should be +somewhere over the Dogger Bank." + +It was true. So perfectly had all things been appointed that while +I had been consuming a single glass of schnapps the huge airship had +completed half the journey. + +We now emerged from the cabin. As we approached the rail a sailor stepped +up to the Captain, saluted and asked permission to speak. As far as I +could gather, the wretched man complained of seasickness and asked to be +put ashore. There was no mistaking the Captain's answer. "Ja wohl!" he +roared, and with a mighty kick sent the luckless seaman hurtling over +the rail and into the abyss below. A momentary sense of pity seized me, +but it quickly occurred to me that only by such drastic means could be +kept alive the splendid spirit of chivalry that has made the German +airman victorious throughout the firmament. + +It was now quite dark, but far beneath us could be seen with the aid +of a telescope little points of light. Perfidious England, the author +of all Germany's troubles, lay helpless beneath us. + + (_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: "YOU ADVERTISED AS CHAUFFEURETTE-MAID." + +"YES, MADAM." + +"WHAT WERE YOUR DUTIES AT YOUR LAST PLACE?" + +"I DROVE AND CLEANED THE CARS SINGLE-HANDED." + +"AND AS MAID?" + +"I TOOK DOWN MY LADY AT NIGHT AND ASSEMBLED HER IN THE MORNING, MADAM."] + + * * * * * + + + + +TO CHARLOTTE BRONTE. + + + STRANGE that the most _farouche_ of all the ladies + Rightly renowned as drivers of the quill, + Who hated all publicity like Hades, + And showed in self-advancement little skill, + Who did not write for Smiths and Browns and Bradys, + But at the prompting of her own sweet will-- + Her most obsequious partisans should find + In penmen of the parasitic kind. + + In vain did Mrs. GASKELL, wise and gracious, + Paint us your portrait, delicate yet true; + Sensation-mongers, strident and voracious, + Must needs explore your inner life anew, + Clutching with fingers ruthlessly tenacious + At the remotest semblance of a clue; + Raking the dustbins for unprinted matter, + And prodigal of cheap and tasteless chatter. + + And now in days of endless storms and stresses + Comes your Centenary, with odes and lays, + And lantern slides and lectures and addresses, + And all the modern ritual of praise; + With columns in _The Sphere_ of C. K. S.'s + Comments upon your life and work and ways, + Judicial summings-up of old disputes + And photographs of PATRICK BRONTE's boots. + + And men and maids will doubtless march with banners + To prove their worship of your "massive brain"; + And intellectual Chicago "canners" + Will send their relics from across the main; + And critics will discuss your various manners, + And HAROLD BEGBIE will pronounce you "sane"; + In short, you'll be the bookman's prey and quarry + At many a high-class literary "swarry." + + Well, well, brave CHARLOTTE, though our admiration + Prompts some of us your memory to revere + In ways less vocal in their adulation, + You will not hold our homage less sincere + If we refrain from pouring a libation + In orthodox Centenary small-beer, + But choose to greet in silent awe and wonder + The stormy spirit of the child of Thunder. + + * * * * * + +Commercial Candour. + + + "Messrs. ---- & Co., Ltd., Court Dress-fakers, &c." + + _Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "OUR YOUNGEST GENERAL. + + "He was educated at Glasgow University and Gottingen University, + and entered the army in 1716."--_Bangalore Daily Post._ + +Our Indian contemporary is misinformed. Several of our Generals are +younger than that. + + * * * * * + + + + +AN UNRECORDED ENGAGEMENT. + + +The following interesting letter has been forwarded to us by the relatives +of one of our wounded heroes. It gives a vivid idea of his impressions +during a severe engagement, particulars of which have not so far appeared +in the Press. + + _"Red Cross Hospital,_ + _Somewhere in England._ + +"... And now I must tell you of a very hot time that our lot here had +recently. The attack was due to open at 5.30 in the afternoon. We had +been warned to expect it, and the appointed hour found us ready in our +positions. We were five deep, strongly posted on deck chairs; moreover, +the warning had given us opportunity to construct a defensive rampart +of evergreens and pot-plants before the front line. + +"The engagement opened fairly punctually with a furious pianoforte +bombardment, accompanied by asphyxiating footlights. Owing to the +closeness of the range and the weight of metal employed, our first rank +gave way a little, but subsequently rallied smartly. The attack now +became general, the enemy advancing first in detached units, subsequently +in column or quartette formation. A stubborn resistance was put up, +but we were nearly forced to recoil before a desperate charge by _The +Men of Harlech_. + +"Hardly had we contrived to withstand these, when, with blood-curdling +cries, the Funny Men dashed forward and fell upon us. The engagement +was at this point so fierce that it was impossible to obtain more +than a confused impression of it. I saw several of my brave comrades +doubled up. Puns and lachrymatory wheezes darkened the air. At last, +after a specially violent offensive, in which he was supported by the +full strength of his piano, the enemy retired, followed by salvoes from +our ranks, and left us, at least temporarily, masters of the situation. + +"A lull ensued, during which, however, in spite of the curtain +behind which the enemy endeavoured to mask his preparations, we were +convinced, from certain unmistakable signs, that a fresh and possibly +more violent attack was shortly to develop. Nor was this view wrong; +for, when the curtain lifted, we at once saw that our worst fears were +justified. Confronting us were the 1st Amateur Thespians, the most +dreaded battalion in the enemy's Volunteer forces, and one reputed to +have decimated more British classics than any two professional regiments. + +"The methods of this body have changed very little during the last +half-century. They still employ for choice the old _Box-and-Cox_ +attack, which has proved so effective in the past, followed frequently +by _A Case for Eviction_ or else _Gentlemen Boarders_. Bold to the +point of rashness, no difficulties are found to daunt them; and the +stoutest hearts might well quail at being exposed to the fury of their +onslaught. Indeed how any of us survived the half-hour that followed I +hardly know. It was a nightmare of smashed china, dropped cups, shouts +of 'Bouncer, Bouncer!' and general confusion. + +"But time was on our side; and when, towards seven o'clock, the curtain +fell again, we knew that, holding as we did almost our original positions, +we were victorious. Our exact casualties I have not yet heard, but they +are certain to have been heavy. The ground lately held by the enemy +presented a spectacle of appalling confusion; and everything pointed to +the struggle having been most determined. Restoratives were administered +to our men, and we turned in, exhausted but happy." + + * * * * * + + +PERSONALIA. + +It has been noticed by close observers that among curious developments +brought about by the War the personal advertisements have been growing +increasingly intimate. Mars and Venus again are associated. So far, +only the Classes have been conspicuous. Why not the Masses too? +Something like this:-- + +WILL LADY wearing handsome garnet necklace and ostrich feathers in large +hat in front row of gallery of Britannia Theatre, who threw orange at +Gordon Highlander in pit, injuring his left eye, meet him Sunday evening, +Marble Arch, 7 sharp?--Box F.3. + + * * * * * + +WILL GIRL seated second table on left at Lockhart's, 17th April, 6.30, +eating cold meat-pie, communicate with Bedfordshire Corporal with arm in +sling, two tables away?--Box 183. + + * * * * * + +LONELY MARRIED MAN invites correspondence while waiting for single men +to do their duty.--Box 84. + + * * * * * + +SAW YOU marching past Charing Cross Station, three a-breast, whistling +"Keep the Home Fires Burning," Saturday night at 10.15, and called out to +you from top of omnibus. Please write.--Box 10. + + * * * * * + + "LOST, gold CHAIN and PENDANT, + containing sailor and baby; 5/- reward." + + _Liverpool Echo._ + +Small enough, even for the baby. + + * * * * * + + + + +ECONOMY IN THE PRESS. + + +I.--THE EDITORIAL PAGE. + + Here upon our middle page, + Where the correspondents rage, + Grim and dour and dry, + Here with counsel bold and sage + War on lollipops we wage, + Smiting hip and thigh. + + "Pare potatoes very thin; + All the virtue's in the skin; + Save the peel for soups; + Drop cigars; abandon gin; + Leave the bristles on your chin; + Tie your hair in loops. + + "Golf and ties and collars shun; + Lunch upon a penny bun; + Butter not your bread; + Save your pennies--every one + Helps to crush the brutal Hun." + Thus and thus we've said. + + +II.--THE ADVERTISEMENT PAGES. + + Now the advertiser comes; + Hush the sound of warning drums; + Hear his siren song: + "Leave your economic sums; + Leave the task of saving crumbs; + Join the shopping throng. + + "Come to Blank's--the thing to do! + Here are chiffons, ninons too, + Quilts for Fido's cot; + Silken robe and satin shoe, + Figured fabrics, gold and blue, + Bangles, pearls--what not? + + "Bon-bons, perfumes, trifles gay-- + Still you'll find a fresh display + Where the last one ends; + New sensations every day! + Motor round without delay! + Come, and bring your friends!" + + * * * * * + + +In Its Proper Element. + + "No appointments have been made in the place of Lord Derby + and Lord Montagu [who have resigned their seats on the Joint + Air Committee], and the Committee is, for the present, _en + l'air._"--_The Times._ + + * * * * * + + "Amongst the sights which never fail to draw the attention of + curious Londoners is that of girls perched high up on enormous + vans manipulating the reins and guiding fresh nurses through + the maze of city traffic." + + _"Star" (Ch. Ch. N. Z.)_ + +There must be some mistake here. The nurses we see in London are always +perfectly sober. + + * * * * * + +Mr. BLATCHFORD on the match-tax:-- + + "In this insidious manipulation of the thin end of the Tory + wedge do we not perceive the cloven hoof of the serpent casting + its shadow before?"--_Weekly Dispatch._ + +No; all we see is Mr. BLATCHFORD laboriously trying to emulate Sir +BOYLE ROCHE. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: OUR SPOILT WARRIORS. + +_Tommy._ "I WENT TO A PLACE A BIT FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD FOR SUPPER LAST +NIGHT. I DON'T GO THERE AGAIN." + +_Lady Muriel Beltravers-Montmorency._ "OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH IT?" + +_Tommy._ "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH IT? WHY, THEY HAVE PAID WAITRESSES +THERE."] + + * * * * * + + + + +NOT RUNNING TO SEED. + +_To Reginald Cressingham, Esq._ + + +DEAR SIR (OR MADAM),--Looking over our records a few days ago, we noticed +that you had not been so good a customer of ours for Seeds during +the past twelve months as you used to be; and the more we looked at +that record the more we wondered what we had done that caused you to +practically stop dealing with us. + +Finally we decided to drop you a line and ask you whether you will kindly +tell us, personally, frankly, whether there is anything we have not done +that we should have done. + +Unfortunately accidents will happen at times, and if one has happened in +this case we hope you will tell us about it so that we can try to put it +right the day we get your letter. IT DOES NOT MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE +WHAT THE TROUBLE IS, WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO MAKE IT GOOD. + + Your faithful and obedient Servants, + GOODENOUGH & SONS. + + * * * * * + +_To Messrs. Goodenough & Sons._ + +DEAR SIRS,--I regret to say there _is_ a reason for discontinuing my seed +order, and I am pleased to hear you will do your best to make the trouble +good; but I am half afraid you will not be able to "put it right the day +you get my letter." + +The fact is there is a European War going on just now, and it has sadly +upset our gardening plans. Instead of having eight men (counting a +husband) about the place, I am now reduced to one gardener, and he +will shortly be called up in a married group, unless the flat foot he +is assiduously cultivating softens the heart of the Exemption Tribunal. + +I am sorry I have no time to tell you more about this War, but I must +now go and dig the vegetables. + +Yours faithfully, + + HELENA CRESSINGHAM. + + * * * * * + +"STABBING AFFRAY DUE TO A GIRL'S CHARM. + + "In the village of Sharwida, Zagazig district, lives a girl who + is a paragraph of beauty." + + _Egyptian Mail._ + +This barely does her justice. She seems to have been quite the penny +novelette. + + * * * * * + + "In the Argonne we carried out a coup domain this morning."--_Evening + Paper._ + +It is a good General who never puts off till to-morrow what he can do +this morning. + + * * * * * + + + + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + + +VI.--CHALK FARM. + + Certain farmers farm in fruit, and some farm in grain, + Others farm in dairy-stuff, and many farm in vain, + But I know a place for a Sunday morning's walk + Where the Farmer and his Family only farm in Chalk. + The Farmer and his Family before you walk back + Will bid you in to sit awhile and share their midday snack; + O they that live in Chalk Farm they live at their ease, + For the Farmer and his Family can't tell Chalk from Cheese. + + +VII.--THE SPANIARDS. + + Three Spaniards dwell on Hampstead Heath: + One has a scowl and a knife in a sheath; + One twangs a guitar in the bright moonlight; + One chases a bull round a bush all night! + + * * * * * + + "In talking of flying, Boillot only returned to a pastime that + he had been one of the first to practise."--_Pall Mall Gazette._ + +Just like our Mr. BILLING. + + * * * * * + + + + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + + +_Miss Pandora_ (HEINEMANN) is proclaimed by its publishers to be a first +novel. Probably, however, it will not also be a last, as the author, +M. E. NORMAN, has a considerable gift for tale-telling. Perhaps I may +be permitted to hope that he (or she) will use it next time to illuminate +a rather more attractive set of characters. I don't think that the circle +in which _Pandora_ moved contains a single person whom I should wish to +meet twice. There was _Pandora_ herself, who was dark and Spanish-looking, +with an origin wrapped in mild mystery. There was her friend, a futile +lady-novelist; there were three quite disagreeable men, a spoilt child +and an old lady suffering from senile dementia. Oh, and I nearly forgot +the sniffy neighbour, who, having cut _Pandora_ dead for half the book, +was revealed in the second half as her mother. Add to this that _Pandora_ +had a past (and a present too, for that matter) with the husband of +the lady novelist, and you will, I think, agree with me that they were +a queer lot. Also I have seldom read a novel with such an unsatisfactory +ending. It almost seemed as though M. E. NORMAN, having got the affair +into a tangle, was too bored to unravel it. I am by no means sure, +for example, that he (or she) had any clearer ideas about _Pandora's_ +paternity than I have. The depressing conclusion is that, while I +readily admit that the writing of it shows originality and promise, +_Miss Pandora_ is hardly the novel I should have expected to be produced +in a paper famine. + + * * * * * + +Before I began to unweave _The Web of Fraeulein_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) +a dreadful and, as it turned out, an unnecessary fear seized me that Miss +_Katharine Tynan_ had written a spy-novel of the present day. Imagine +then my relief when I found that the story dates back some thirty or +forty years, and that, although _Fraeulein_ was really as pestilential a +woman as ever became governess to a respectable British family, espionage +was not part of her game. With uncanny skill Miss TYNAN relates the +influence that this flat-footed German woman gained in the _Allanson_ +household; but I must protest, in justice to our race, that we have +not many families so lacking in enterprise as to allow themselves to be +enmeshed in such a web as this. In short I can dislike this German product +very cordially but without for a moment understanding the source of the +devastating power she had over others. You must not, however, imagine that +the web casts a gloom over the whole book, for when _Fraeulein_ is not +on the scene--and we do have some holidays from her--those _Allansons_ +whom she had not marked down could be attractively natural and gay; +and the younger _Allanson_ girl is as delightful a portrait as any in +Miss TYNAN's generous gallery. + + * * * * * + +I think I never met a writer who splashed language about with a greater +recklessness than Miss MARION HILL. I see that one of the reviews of that +previous best seller of hers, _The Lure of Crooning Water_, speaks of +its literary charm. Well, there are, of course, many varieties of charm, +but "literary" is hardly the epithet that I should myself apply to the +undoubted attractions of _A Slack Wire_ (LONG). This very bustling story +of the marriage between a variety artist and a quiet, not to say +somewhat prigsome, young engineer is told for the most part in the purest +American, an engaging and vivid medium with which I am but imperfectly +acquainted. Further, Miss HILL's command of words seems to be gloriously +unhampered by tradition. "It was with a supercargo of relief even heavier +than usual that he found it" is a sample that I select at random. No, +I certainly do not think that "literary" would be the epithet. But I +am far from saying that there is no charm in the tale, of a sort. Not +specially original perhaps the situation of the Bohemian wife brought +to an ultra-Philistine home; but Miss HILL manages to keep it going +briskly enough. And, as I have hinted, you never know what she will say +next, or how. The whole thing would make such an admirable film-play that +I can hardly believe this idea to have been absent from the intention of +its author. The final sensation-scene, in which _Violet_ uses her old +wire-walking agility to prevent a catastrophe (never ask me how!), +would make a fortune on the screen. Poor _Violet_, I may tell you, +had been born in England, and, on the death of her rightful guardians, +was "farmed off to peasants, who boarded her because it would cancel +their poor-tax." I feel somehow that if I could grasp this reference +it would make much in _Violet_ clear. But so far it eludes me. + + * * * * * + +If powers of absorption are still left to you for any battles save those +of to-day, you will find a vivid account of Flodden in _The Crimson +Field_ (WARD, LOCK). I won't believe it is Mr. HALLIWELL SUTCLIFFE's +fault that the fighting scenes of his story left me cold; the blame +lies rather with the Hunnish times in which we live. While describing +the beauty of the Yorkshire dales and the lives of their inhabitants, +Mr. SUTCLIFFE held me in the hollow of his hand. But when he started to +tell of the valiant deeds of the yeoman-hero, _Sylvester Demain_, who was +knighted on the field of battle and won the maiden of high degree, I was +released from that bondage. Indeed, I think Mr. SUTCLIFFE was no more +anxious to leave the dales than I was, for, when the march to Flodden +begins, his style becomes almost bewilderingly jumpy, so often does +he look over his shoulder to see--and let us know--what is happening +to those who were left behind. The fight, however, when it does come, +is strenuous enough, and in the midst of it KING JAMES--German papers +please copy--stands out as a pattern of chivalry. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HISTORICAL PARALLELS. + +_At the Siege of Carthage._ + +"LOOK OUT, BOYS! HERE COMES ANOTHER SAUCY SCIPIO!"] + + * * * * * + +A Dickens Revival. + + "WANTED--Fat Boy for yard: 10s. weekly." + + _Dublin "Daily Independent."_ + + * * * * * + +Eighteen tailors from Leeds have been arrested at Dublin as deserters from +the Army. As nine tailors make a man this is a net gain of two recruits. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +150, April 19, 1916, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APR 19, 1916 *** + +***** This file should be named 36981.txt or 36981.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/9/8/36981/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, David Garcia and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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