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diff --git a/36775-8.txt b/36775-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d4a0b68 --- /dev/null +++ b/36775-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7803 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Humorous Readings and Recitations, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Humorous Readings and Recitations + In prose and verse + +Author: Various + +Editor: Leopold Wagner + +Release Date: July 18, 2011 [EBook #36775] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMOROUS READINGS AND RECITATIONS *** + + + + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + HUMOROUS READINGS + AND + RECITATIONS. + + + + HUMOROUS READINGS + AND + RECITATIONS + + _IN PROSE AND VERSE_. + + + SELECTED AND EDITED + + BY + LEOPOLD WAGNER, + + EDITOR OF + "MODERN READINGS AND RECITATIONS," + "NEW READINGS FROM AMERICAN AUTHORS," ETC. + + + London and New York: + FREDERICK WARNE AND CO. + 1889. + + + + LONDON: + BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. + + + + +PREFACE. + + +In introducing to the public a Third Series of "Popular Readings," I +consider it merely necessary to state that the courtesy of authors and +publishers has enabled me to bring together a choice selection of +humorous pieces which have acquired a large share of popularity, in +addition to a number of others that may justly be regarded as novelties. + +Concerning the former, I have so often had occasion to answer inquiries +respecting particular pieces for recitation, that it occurred to me the +handy collection of those most generally sought after, but hitherto +scattered through various publications, would be welcomed by many; and I +took steps accordingly. How far I have succeeded in my purpose a glance +at the Contents-list will show. For the fresh matter admitted to these +pages, I sincerely trust that from among so many new candidates for +popularity, at least one or two of them may be elected to represent the +Penny Reading Constituents of each respective Borough for some time to +come. + +Once more I beg to express my indebtedness and thanks to those authors +and publishers who have so generously placed their copyright pieces at +my disposal. + + L. W. + +BROMPTON. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE + + ACCOMPANIED ON THE FLUTE _F. Anstey_ 1 + THE TROUBLES OF A TRIPLET _W. Beatty-Kingston_ 8 + SLIGHTLY DEAF _Bracebridge Hemming_ 10 + THE LADY FREEMASON _H. T. Craven_ 18 + WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT! _F. B. Harrison_ 24 + THE FATAL LEGS _Walter Browne_ 27 + THE CALIPH'S JESTER _From the Arabic_ 29 + A JOURNEY IN SEARCH OF NOTHING _Wilkie Collins_ 32 + GEMINI AND VIRGO _C. S. Calverley_ 37 + KING BIBBS _James Albery_ 41 + MOLLY MULDOON _Anonymous_ 48 + THE HARMONIOUS LOBSTERS _Robert Reece_ 52 + THE PROVINCIAL LANDLADY _H. Chance Newton_ 57 + MY MATRIMONIAL PREDICAMENT _Leopold Wagner_ 58 + ETIQUETTE _W. S. Gilbert_ 62 + A LOST SHEPHERD _Frank Barrett_ 65 + A MATHEMATIC MADNESS _F. P. Dempster_ 70 + WAITING AT TOTTLEPOT _J. Ashby-Sterry_ 72 + MARRIED TO A GIANTESS _Walter Parke_ 75 + THE VISION OF THE ALDERMAN _Henry S. Leigh_ 79 + THE DEMON SNUFFERS _Geo. Manville Fenn_ 80 + THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER _Lewis Carroll_ 86 + MY BROTHER HENRY _J. M. Barrie_ 89 + A NIGHT WITH A STORK _W. E. Wilcox_ 92 + THE FAITHFUL LOVERS _F. C. Burnand_ 95 + THE WAIL OF A BANNER-BEARER _Arthur Matthison_ 96 + THE DREAM OF THE BILIOUS BEADLE _Arthur Shirley_ 99 + MY FRIEND TREACLE _Watkin-Elliott_ 101 + THE VOICE OF THE SLUGGARD _Anonymous_ 107 + ARTEMUS WARD'S VISIT TO THE TOWER + OF LONDON _Chas. Farrar Browne_ 108 + MR. CAUDLE HAS LENT AN ACQUAINTANCE + THE FAMILY UMBRELLA _Douglas Jerrold_ 111 + DOMESTIC ASIDES _Tom Hood_ 113 + THE CHARITY DINNER _Litchfield Moseley_ 115 + ACTING WITH A VENGEANCE _W. Sapte, Jun._ 120 + MY FORTNIGHT AT WRETCHEDVILLE _George Augustus Sala_ 126 + THE SORROWS OF WERTHER _W. M. Thackeray_ 132 + MORAL MUSIC _Anonymous_ 133 + BILLY DUMPS, THE TAILOR _Charles Clark_ 136 + ON PUNNING _Theodore Hook_ 139 + SEASIDE LODGINGS _Percy Reeve_ 140 + + + + +HUMOROUS READINGS + +AND + +RECITATIONS. + + + + +ACCOMPANIED ON THE FLUTE. + +F. ANSTEY. + + +The Consul Duilius was entertaining Rome in triumph after his celebrated +defeat of the Carthaginian fleet at Mylę. He had won a great naval +victory for his country with the first fleet that it had ever +possessed--which was naturally a gratifying reflection, and he would +have been perfectly happy now if he had only been a little more +comfortable. + +But he was standing in an extremely rickety chariot, which was crammed +with his nearer relations, and a few old friends, to whom he had been +obliged to send tickets. At his back stood a slave, who held a heavy +Etruscan crown on the Consul's head, and whenever he thought his master +was growing conceited, threw in the reminder that he was only a man +after all--a liberty which at any other time he might have had good +reason to regret. + +Then the large Delphic wreath, which Duilius wore as well as the crown, +had slipped down over one eye, and was tickling his nose, while (as both +his hands were occupied, one with a sceptre the other with a laurel +bough, and he had to hold on tightly to the rail of the chariot whenever +it jolted) there was nothing to do but suffer in silence. + +They had insisted, too, upon painting him a beautiful bright red all +over, and though it made him look quite new, and very shining and +splendid, he had his doubts at times whether it was altogether becoming, +and particularly whether he would ever be able to get it off again. + +But these were but trifles after all, and nothing compared with the +honour and glory of it! Was not everybody straining to get a glimpse of +him? Did not even the spotted and skittish horses which drew the +chariot repeatedly turn round to gaze upon his vermilioned features? As +Duilius remarked this he felt that he was, indeed, the central personage +in all this magnificence, and that, on the whole, he liked it. + +He could see the beaks of the ships he had captured bobbing up and down +in the middle distance; he could see the white bulls destined for +sacrifice entering completely into the spirit of the thing, and +redeeming the procession from any monotony by occasionally bolting down +a back street, or tossing on their gilded horns some of the flamens who +were walking solemnly in front of them. + +He could hear, too, above five distinct brass bands, the remarks of his +friends as they predicted rain, or expressed a pained surprise at the +smallness of the crowd and the absence of any genuine enthusiasm; and he +caught the general purport of the very offensive ribaldry circulated at +his own expense among the brave legions that brought up the rear. + +This was merely the usual course of things on such occasions, and a +great compliment when properly understood, and Duilius felt it to be so. +In spite of his friends, the red paint, and the familiar slave, in spite +of the extreme heat of the weather and his itching nose, he told himself +that this, and this alone, was worth living for. + +And it was a painful reflection to him that, after all, it would only +last a day; he could not go on triumphing like this for the remainder of +his natural life--he would not be able to afford it on his moderate +income; and yet--and yet--existence would fall woefully flat after so +much excitement. + +It may be supposed that Duilius was naturally fond of ostentation and +notoriety, but this was far from being the case; on the contrary, at +ordinary times his disposition was retiring and almost shy, but his +sudden success had worked a temporary change in him, and in the very +flush of triumph he found himself sighing to think, that in all human +probability, he would never go about with trumpeters and trophies, with +flute-players and white oxen, any more in his whole life. + +And then he reached the Porta Triumphalis, where the chief magistrates +and the Senate awaited them, all seated upon spirited Roman-nosed +chargers, which showed a lively emotion at the approach of the +procession, and caused most of their riders to dismount with as much +affectation of method and design as their dignity enjoined and the +nature of the occasion permitted. + +There Duilius was presented with the freedom of the city and an address, +which last he put in his pocket, as he explained, to read at home. + +And then an Ędile informed him in a speech, during which he twice lost +his notes, and had to be prompted by a lictor, that the grateful +Republic, taking into consideration the Consul's distinguished services, +had resolved to disregard expense, and on that auspicious day to give +him whatever reward he might choose to demand--"in reason," the Ędile +added cautiously, as he quitted his saddle with an unexpectedness which +scarcely seemed intentional. + +Duilius was naturally a little overwhelmed by such liberality, and, like +every one else favoured suddenly with such an opportunity, was quite +incapable of taking complete advantage of it. + +For a time he really could not remember in his confusion anything he +would care for at all, and he thought it might look mean to ask for +money. + +At last he recalled his yearning for a Perpetual Triumph, but his +natural modesty made him moderate, and he could not find courage to ask +for more than a fraction of the glory that now attended him. + +So, not without some hesitation, he replied that they were exceedingly +kind, and since they left it entirely to his discretion, he would +like--if they had no objection--he would like a flute-player to attend +him whenever he went out. + +Duilius very nearly asked for a white bull as well; but, on second +thoughts, he felt it might lead to inconvenience, and there were many +difficulties connected with the proper management of such an animal. The +Consul, from what he had seen that day, felt that it would be imprudent +to trust himself in front of the bull, while, if he walked behind, he +might be mistaken for a cattle-driver, which would be odious. And so he +gave up that idea, and contented himself with a simple flute-player. + +The Senate, visibly relieved by so unassuming a request, granted it with +positive effusion; Duilius was invited to select his musician, and chose +the biggest, after which the procession moved on through the arch and up +the Capitoline Hill, while the Consul had time to remember things he +would have liked even better than a flute-player, and to suspect dimly +that he might have made rather an ass of himself. + + * * * * * + +That night Duilius was entertained at a supper given at the public +expense; he went out with the proud resolve to show his sense of the +compliment paid him by scaling the giddiest heights of intoxication. The +Romans of that day only drank wine and water at their festivals, but it +is astonishing how inebriated a person of powerful will can become, even +on wine and water, if he only gives his mind to it. And Duilius, being a +man of remarkable determination, returned from that hospitable board +particularly drunk; the flute-player saw him home, however, helped him +to bed, though he could not induce him to take off his sandals, and +lulled him to a heavy slumber by a selection from the popular airs of +the time. + +So that the Consul, although he awoke late next day with a bad headache +and a perception of the vanity of most things, still found reason to +congratulate himself upon his forethought in securing so invaluable an +attendant, and planned, rather hopefully, sundry little ways of making +him useful about the house. + +As the subsequent history of this great naval commander is examined with +the impartiality that becomes the historian, it is impossible to be +blind to the melancholy fact that in the first flush of his elation +Duilius behaved with an utter want of tact and taste that must have gone +far to undermine his popularity, and proved a source of much +gratification to his friends. + +He would use that flute-player everywhere--he overdid the thing +altogether: for example, he used to go out to pay formal calls, and +leave the flute-player in the hall tootling to such an extent that at +last his acquaintances were forced in self-defence to deny themselves to +him. + +When he attended worship at the temples, too, he would bring the +flute-player with him, on the flimsy pretext that he could assist the +choir during service; and it was the same at the theatres, where +Duilius--such was his arrogance--actually would not take a box unless +the manager admitted the flute-player to the orchestra and guaranteed +him at least one solo between the acts. + +And it was the Consul's constant habit to strut about the Forum with his +musician executing marches behind him, until the spectacle became so +utterly ridiculous that even the Romans of that age, who were as free +from the slightest taint of humour as a self-respecting nation can +possibly be, began to notice something peculiar. + +But the day of retribution dawned at last. Duilius worked the flute so +incessantly that the musician's stock of airs was very soon exhausted, +and then he was naturally obliged to blow them through once more. + +The excellent Consul had not a fine ear, but even he began to hail the +fiftieth repetition of "Pugnare nolumus," for instance--the great +national peace anthem of the period--with the feeling that he had heard +the same tune at least twice before, and preferred something slightly +fresher, while others had taken a much shorter time in arriving at the +same conclusion. + +The elder Duilius, the Consul's father, was perhaps the most annoyed by +it; he was a nice old man in his way--the glass and china way--but he +was a typical old Roman, with a manly contempt for pomp, vanity, music, +and the fine arts generally, so that his son's flute-player, performing +all day in the courtyard, drove the old gentleman nearly mad, until he +would rush to the windows and hurl the lighter articles of furniture at +the head of the persistent musician, who, however, after dodging them +with dexterity, affected to treat them as a recognition of his efforts +and carried them away gratefully to sell. + +Duilius senior would have smashed the flute, only it was never laid +aside for a single instant, even at meals; he would have made the +player drunk and incapable, but he was a member of the _Manus Spei_, and +he would with cheerfulness have given him a heavy bribe to go away, if +the honest fellow had not proved absolutely incorruptible. + +So he would only sit down and swear, and then relieve his feelings by +giving his son a severe thrashing, with threats to sell him for whatever +he might fetch; for, in the curious conditions of ancient Roman society, +a father possessed both these rights, however his offspring might have +distinguished himself in public life. + +Naturally, Duilius did not like the idea of being put up to auction, and +he began to feel that it was slightly undignified for a Roman general +who had won a naval victory and been awarded a first-class Triumph to be +undergoing corporeal punishment daily at the hands of an unflinching +parent, and accordingly he determined to go and expostulate with his +flute-player. + +He was beginning to find him a nuisance himself, for all his old shy +reserve and unwillingness to attract attention had returned to him; he +was fond of solitude, and yet he could never be alone; he was weary of +doing everything to slow music, like the bold, bad man in a melodrama. + +He could not even go across the street to purchase a postage-stamp +without the flute-player coming stalking out after him, playing away +like a public fountain; while, owing to the well-known susceptibility of +a rabble to the charm of music, the disgusted Consul had to take his +walks abroad at the head of Rome's choicest scum. + +Duilius, with a lively recollection of these inconveniences, would have +spoken very seriously indeed to his musician, but he shrank from hurting +his feelings by plain truth. He simply explained that he had not +intended the other to accompany him _always_, but only on special +occasions; and, while professing the sincerest admiration for his +musical proficiency, he felt, as he said, unwilling to monopolise it, +and unable to enjoy it at the expense of a fellow-creature's rest and +comfort. + +Perhaps he put the thing a little too delicately to secure the object he +had in view, for the musician, although he was deeply touched by such +unwonted consideration, waved it aside with a graceful fervour which was +quite irresistible. + +He assured the Consul that he was only too happy to have been selected +to render his humble tribute to the naval genius of so great a +commander; he would not admit that his own rest and comfort were in the +least affected by his exertions, for, being naturally fond of the flute, +he could, he protested, perform upon it continuously for whole days +without fatigue. And he concluded by pointing out very respectfully that +for the Consul to dispense, even to a small extent, with an honour +decreed (at his own particular request) by the Republic, would have the +appearance of ingratitude, and expose him to the gravest suspicions. +After which he rendered the ancient love-chant, "Ludus idem, ludus +vetus," with singular sweetness and expression. + +Duilius felt the force of his arguments. Republics are proverbially +forgetful, and he was aware that it might not be safe even for him, to +risk offending the Senate. + +So he had nothing to do but just go on, and be followed about by the +flute-player, and castigated by his parent in the old familiar way, +until he had very little self-respect left. + +At last he found a distraction in his care-laden existence--he fell +deeply in love. But even here a musical Nemesis attended him, to his +infinite embarrassment, in the person of his devoted follower. Sometimes +Duilius would manage to elude him, and slip out unseen to some sylvan +retreat, where he had reason to hope for a meeting with the object of +his adoration. He generally found that in this expectation he had not +deceived himself; but, always, just as he had found courage to speak of +the passion that consumed him, a faint tune would strike his ear from +afar, and, turning his head in a fury, he would see his faithful +flute-player striding over the fields in pursuit of him with +unquenchable ardour. + +He gave in at last, and submitted to the necessity of speaking all his +tender speeches "through music." Claudia did not seem to mind it, +perhaps finding an additional romance in being wooed thus; and Duilius +himself, who was not eloquent, found that the flute came in very well at +awkward pauses in the conversation. + +Then they were married, and, as Claudia played very nicely herself upon +the _tibię_, she got up musical evenings, when she played duets with the +flute-player, which Duilius, if he had only had a little more taste for +music, might have enjoyed immensely. + +As it was, beginning to observe for the first time that the musician was +far from uncomely, he forbade the duets. Claudia wept and sulked, and +Claudia's mother said that Duilius was behaving like a brute, and she +was not to mind him; but the harmony of their domestic life was broken, +until the poor Consul was driven to take long country walks in sheer +despair, not because he was fond of walking, for he hated it, but simply +to keep the flute-player out of mischief. + +He was now debarred from all other society, for his old friends had long +since cut him dead whenever he chanced to meet them. "How could he +expect people to stop and talk," they asked indignantly, "when there was +that confounded fellow blowing tunes down the backs of their necks all +the time?" + +Duilius had had enough of it himself, and felt this so strongly that one +day he took his flute-player a long walk through a lonely wood, and, +choosing a moment when his companion had played "Id omnes faciunt" till +he was somewhat out of breath, he turned on him suddenly. When he left +the lonely wood he was alone, and near it something which looked as if +it might once have been a musician. + +The Consul went home, and sat there waiting for the deed to become +generally known. He waited with a certain uneasiness, because it was +impossible to tell how the Senate might take the thing, or the means by +which their vengeance would declare itself. + +And yet his uneasiness was counterbalanced by a delicious relief: the +State might disgrace, banish, put him to death even, but he had got rid +of slow music for ever; and as he thought of this, the stately Duilius +would snap his fingers and dance with secret delight. + +All disposition to dance, however, was forgotten upon the arrival of +lictors bearing an official missive. He looked at it for a long time +before he dared to break the big seal, and cut the cord which bound the +tablets which might contain his doom. + +He did it at last; and smiled with relief as he began to read: for the +decree was courteously, if not affectionately, worded. The Senate, +considering (or affecting to consider) the disappearance of the +flute-player a mere accident, expressed their formal regret at the +failure of the provision made in his honour. + +Then, as he read on, Duilius dashed the tablets into small fragments, +and rolled on the ground, and tore his hair, and howled; for the +senatorial decree concluded by a declaration that, in consideration of +his brilliant exploits, the State hereby placed at his disposal two more +flute-players, who, it was confidently hoped, would survive the wear and +tear of their ministrations longer than the first. + +Duilius retired to his room and made his will, taking care to have it +properly signed and attested. Then he fastened himself in; and when they +broke down the door next day they found a lifeless corpse, with a +strange sickly smile upon its pale lips. + +No one in Rome quite made out the reason of this smile, but it was +generally thought to denote the gratification of the deceased at the +idea of leaving his beloved ones in comfort, if not in luxury; for, +though the bulk of his fortune was left to Carthaginian charities, he +had had the forethought to bequeath a flute-player apiece to his wife +and mother-in-law. + + (_From_ "THE BLACK POODLE," _by permission of Messrs. Longmans, + Green, & Co._) + + + + +THE TROUBLES OF A TRIPLET. + +W. BEATTY-KINGSTON. + + + I am, I really think, the most unlucky man on earth; + A triple sorrow haunts me, and has done so from my birth. + My lot in life's a gloomy one, I think you will agree; + 'Tis bad enough to be a twin--but I am one of three! + + No sooner were we born than Pa and Ma the bounty claimed; + I scarce can bear to think they did--it makes me feel ashamed, + They got it, too, within a week, and spent it, I'll be bound, + Upon themselves--at least, I know I never had _my_ pound. + + Our childhood's days in ignorance were lamentably spent, + Although I think we more than paid the taxes, and the rent; + For we were shown as marvels, and--unless I'm much deceived-- + The smallest contributions were most thankfully received. + + We grew up hale and hearty--would we never had been born!-- + As like to one another as three peas, or ears of corn. + Between my brothers _Ichabod_, _Abimelech_ and me + No difference existed which the human eye could see. + + This likeness was the cause of dreadful suffering and pain + To me in early life--it nearly broke my heart in twain; + For while my conduct as a youth was fervently admired, + That of my fellow-triplets left a deal to be desired. + + I was amiable, and pious, too--good deeds were my delight, + I practised all the virtues--some by day and some by night; + Whilst _Ichabod_ imbrued himself in crime, and, sad to say, + _Abimelech_, when quite a lad, would rather swear than pray. + + Think of my horror and dismay when, in the Park at noon, + An obvious burglar greeted me with, "Hullo, Ike, old coon!" + He vanished. Suddenly my wrists were gripped by Policeman X----, + "Young man, you are my prisoner on a charge of forgin' cheques." + + He ran me in, and locked me up, to moulder in a cell, + The reason why he used me thus, alas! I know too well. + He took me for _Abimelech_, my erring brother dear, + Who was "wanted" by the Bank of which he'd been the chief cashier. + + Next morn the magistrate remarked, "This is a sad mistake, + Though natural enough, I much regret it for your sake; + But if you will permit me to advise you, I should say + Leave England for some other country, very far away. + + "For if you go on living in this happy sea-girt isle, + Although your conduct (like my own) be pure and free from guile, + Your likeness to those sinful men, your brothers twain, will lead, + I fear, to very serious inconveniences indeed." + + I took the hint, and sailed next day for distant Owhyhee,-- + As might have been expected, I was cast away at sea. + A Pirate Lugger picked me up, and--dreadful to relate-- + _Abimelech_ her captain was, and _Ichabod_ her mate. + + I loved them and they tempted me. To join them I agreed, + Forsook the path of virtue, and did many a ghastly deed. + For seven years I wallowed in my fellow-creatures' gore, + And then gave up the business, to settle down on shore. + + My brothers on retiring from the buccaneering trade, + In which, I'm bound to say, colossal fortunes they had made, + Renounced their wicked courses, married young and lovely wives, + Went to church three times on Sundays, and led sanctimonious lives. + + As for me,--I somehow drifted into vileness past belief, + Earned unsavoury distinction as a drunkard and a thief; + E'en in crime, ill-luck pursued me: I became extremely poor, + And was finally compelled to beg my bread from door to door. + + I'm deep down in the social scale, no lower can I sink; + Upon the whole, experience induces me to think + That virtue is not lucrative, and honesty's all fudge,-- + For _Ichabod's_ a Bishop--and _Abimelech's_ a Judge! + + (_From_ "PUNCH," _by permission of the Proprietors_.) + + + + +SLIGHTLY DEAF. + +BRACEBRIDGE HEMMING. + + +Mr. Loyd was a retired shopkeeper residing at The Lodge, Norwood. He had +amassed a fortune of thirty thousand pounds in the grocery business, +principally by sanding his sugar and flouring his mustard, and other +little tricks of the trade. Yet he went to church every Sunday with a +clear conscience. At the time I introduce him to you he was a widower +with one son, Joseph, aged eighteen. + +Joseph was a shy, putty-faced youth, who had the misfortune to be deaf. +"Slightly deaf," his father called him, but he grew worse instead of +better, and threatened to become as deaf as a post or a beetle in time. +Of course his infirmity stood in the way of his getting employment, for +he was always making mistakes of a ludicrous and sometimes aggravating +nature. Add to this that Joseph was very lean and his father very fat, +and you will understand why people called them "Feast and Famine," or +"Substance and Shadow." + +One morning after breakfast, Mr. Loyd, who had been looking over some +paid bills, exclaimed, "Joe." + +Joseph was reading the paper, and made no answer. + +"Joe," thundered his father. + +This time the glasses on the sideboard rang, and Joseph got up, walked +to the window and looked out. + +"What are you doing?" shouted Mr. Loyd. + +"I thought I heard the wind blow," replied Joseph. + +"Well! I like that; it was I calling." + +"You!" + +"Yes, sir." + +Joseph invariably grew very angry if he did not hear anybody, for he was +ashamed of his deafness; but he often fell into a brown study and was as +deaf as an adder. + +Besides this he was more deaf on one side than on the other, as is often +the case, and he happened to have his very bad ear turned to his father. + +"Why don't you speak out?" said he. + +"I did," replied Mr. Loyd. + +"You always mumble." + +"I halloaed loud enough to wake the dead." + +"You know I'm slightly deaf." + +"Slightly! You'll have to buy an ear-trumpet." + +"Trumpet be blowed," answered Joseph. + +"Here, put these bills on the file," exclaimed Mr. Loyd, pointing to the +bundle. + +Joseph advanced to the table, took up the bills, and deliberately threw +them into the fire, where they were soon blazing merrily. + +Mr. Loyd uttered a cry of dismay, sprang up and ran to the grate, but he +was too late to save them. + +"You double-barrelled idiot!" he cried. + +"What's the fuss now?" asked Joseph calmly. + +He always was as cool as a cucumber, no matter what he did. + +"You'll never be worth your salt." + +"What's my fault?" + +"I said salt." + +"Keep quiet and I'll get you some." + +"No!" roared Mr. Loyd. + +"What did you say so for then? It seems to me you don't know your own +mind two minutes together." + +Mr. Loyd stamped his foot with impatience on the carpet. + +"Oh dear! what a trial you are," he exclaimed. "They are receipted +bills, and I told you to put them on the file. F. I. L. E. Do you hear +that?" + +"I hear it now," responded Joe. "It's a pity you won't speak up." + +"So I do." + +"They'll never call you leather-lungs." + +"Oh Joe, Joe! you'll be the death of me. You're a duffer, and it is no +use saying you're not. I was going to tell you I'd got a berth for you, +but I'm afraid you could not keep it." + +"What is it?" + +"Clerk in the office of my old friend, Mr. Maybrick, the stockbroker." + +"Eh!" said Joseph. "What's a mockstoker?" + +"A stockbroker," shouted Mr. Loyd. + +"Why didn't you say so at first. Do you think I don't know what that is? +I'm not quite such a fool as that comes to." + +"You'd aggravate a saint, Joe." + +"Paint your toe! Have you gone mad?" + +"Great heavens! I shall hit you; get out," shrieked his father. + +"Got the gout. Oh! that's another thing. I thought you'd have it. You +drink too much port after dinner." + +"I say, Joe," cried Mr. Loyd, "are you doing this on purpose? You don't +understand a word I say; in fact, you misconstrue everything." + +"If that is so I can't help it." + +"You're getting worse." + +"Don't do that," replied Joe gravely. + +"Eh?" + +"Don't curse me. If I am deaf, that is to say slightly deaf, it is my +misfortune, not my fault; you ought to make allowance for me, and speak +louder." + +"Do you want me to be a foghorn, or a river steam tug?" + +"Certainly not." + +"Or a cavalry man's trumpet, or a bellowing bull?" + +"No, father." + +"Or," continued Mr. Loyd with rising temper, "a spouting whale, an Old +Bailey barrister, a town-crier, a grampus, a locomotive blowing off +steam, an Australian bell-bird, or a laughing jackass?" + +"I'm sure I never laugh, so you needn't fling that at me." + +"I wish you were dumb as well as deaf," groaned Mr. Loyd. + +"Why?" + +"Because I might then get you into the asylum." + +"File 'em," muttered Joseph. "He's still thinking of the bills." + +"Confound him," muttered his father. "He's worse than a county court +judgment. I don't know what to do with him." + +To soothe his nerves he lighted a cigar, and looking in the fire puffed +away at the weed, while Joe again took up the paper and went on reading. + +Half-an-hour passed. + +Then Mr. Loyd said, "You know you're getting worse, but you're so +obstinate you won't admit it, and it's six to four you'll not yield." + +Joseph looked up with irritating calmness. + +"No, thanks," he exclaimed. + +"What do you mean?" + +"I never bet." + +"Who talked about betting?" yelled his father. + +"You offered six to four on the field, and----" + +"I didn't. Yah!" + +"Never mind; I sha'n't take you," replied Joseph. + +Mr. Loyd got up and did a war dance. + +"Who asked you to?" + +"You did. It only wants six weeks to the Derby, and----" + +Mr. Loyd lost all control over himself for the moment. He took up the +coal-scuttle and threw it at his son, which was a very reprehensible +thing to do; but it did not hurt Joseph, for that intelligent youth saw +it coming, and ducking his head, it went with a crash through the window +into the street. + +"That's a clever thing to do," said Joseph, without so much as winking. +"You need not get mad because I won't bet." + +His father shook his fist at him. + +"You'll be my death," he replied, sinking into a chair with a gasp. + +"I can't help it if I am deaf," rejoined the imperturbable Joseph. + +"You're sharper than a serpent's tooth." + +"It wasn't very sharp of you to break the window." + +"Go to Putney!" + +"Where am I to get putty?" said Joseph. "Send for a glazier." + +"Bless us and save us!" groaned Mr. Loyd. + +"There isn't much saving in having a broken window to catch cold by." + +Mr. Loyd rushed into the hall, and taking down his hat and coat from the +rack, put them on. + +"Come up to town at once," he exclaimed; "we'll go and see Mr. +Maybrick." + +"What's the good of a hayrick?" asked Joseph simply. + +"Eh?" + +"You can't stop a hole in a window with a hayrick." + +"I said Maybrick, the broker," roared Mr. Loyd, putting his hands to his +mouth. + +"I do wish you'd speak out." + +"Get a trumpet. Yah!" + +"Trump it! we're not playing whist." + +"Oh dear!" sighed Mr. Loyd. "He must be apprenticed to Maybrick. I'll +pay a premium if it's a hundred pounds. I'm not a hog, and don't want to +enjoy this all by myself. I'll share it with another. It's too much for +one to struggle with. I can't undertake the worry single-handed, it's +too much." + +He had to go close up to Joseph and bawl in his ear to make him +understand what he wanted, for he had never found his son's deafness so +bad as it was that day. + +Joseph was quite willing to go, and quitting the house, they took the +train and went to town together. + +It was yet early in the day, and they reached the broker's office about +twelve, finding him in and at leisure. During the journey, Mr. Loyd had +impressed upon Joseph the necessity of keeping his ears open as well as +he could, for if he made any mistakes he would soon get "chucked," as +they say in the City, and Joe promised to be as wideawake as his +infirmity would permit him. + +How wideawake this was, we shall see. + +Mr. Maybrick had done business with Mr. Loyd for many years, and +received him in his private office with all the cordiality of an old +friend. + +"Brought my boy to introduce to you," exclaimed the retired grocer. + +"Very glad to know the young gentleman," replied Mr. Maybrick; "take a +chair. Have a cigar. Quite a chip of the old block, I see; what's his +name?" + +"Joseph. Joe for short." + +"Very good; now what can I do for you, are you going to open stock?" + +"Not to-day." + +"Markets are very firm." + +"I didn't come for that purpose, Maybrick; I want to get the youngster +into your office." + +"Oh! yes," answered the broker, "I forgot; you spoke about it a little +while ago." + +"Last time I was up, when I bought those 'Russians'!" + +"Against my advice, and burnt your fingers over them." + +"True." + +"Well, I'll take him. One hundred pounds premium, no salary first year, +then seventy pounds and an annual rise according to ability." + +"That will do." + +"I hope he's smart." + +"Smart as a steel trap, though sometimes he's a little absent-minded; +and you've got to speak loudly, maybe more than once, but that's only +now and again. I'll write you a cheque and leave him here, so that he +will know the ropes." + +"Very well, I daresay we shall get on. I've ten clerks, and I've only +changed once in ten years." + +"That speaks well for you." + +"I read character, and I'm kind," said Mr. Maybrick. "Sit at my table, +you'll find pen and ink." + +While Mr. Loyd was getting out his cheque-book and writing the draft, +Mr. Maybrick turned his attention to his new clerk. + +"Have you ever been out before?" he queried. + +"Go out of the door?" replied Joe. "Yes sir, if you want to say anything +of a private nature, I'll go with pleasure." + +"No! no! do you understand work?" + +"I beg your pardon, I sha'n't shirk anything." + +"Bless me!" cried the broker, "I mean do you know business?" + +"No business," answered Joseph, with a solemn shake of the head; "I am +sorry for that; times are dull though, all round." + +"I've got plenty, you mistake me, don't run away with that idea, you +won't find this an easy place." + +"Got a greasy face, have I?" responded Joseph. "It's not very polite of +you to tell me that." + +"What the----" began Mr. Maybrick, when Joe's father handed him the +cheque. + +"There's the needful," exclaimed Mr. Loyd. + +"Thanks," replied the broker, adding, "I say, old friend isn't Master +Joseph a little hard of hearing?" + +"Oh! ah! not that exactly." + +"What then?" + +"He's got a cold in his head." + +"Is that all?" + +"Yes, he got his feet wet," said Mr. Loyd confidentially, "and I had to +bawl at him this morning." + +"I thought he was, ahem! a little deaf." + +"Bless you no, raise your voice, that's all you've got to do." + +"Ah! I see. It's bad to be like that," answered Mr. Maybrick, whose +doubts were removed. "The weather's been so bad, everyone has had cold +more or less." + +Telling the intelligent Joseph that he should expect him home to dinner +at seven, Mr. Loyd took leave of the broker, who gave his new clerk some +accounts to enter in a book, saying that he might sit in his office for +the remainder of that day and he would find him desk-room on the morrow, +after which he hurried away to see what was going on in the general +room. + +Joseph hung up his hat and coat, and set to work. He certainly meant to +do his best. They say a certain place, which the Hebrews call Sheol, is +paved with good intentions; anyhow the fates were against him. Never +before had his deafness been so bad. It seemed to have swooped down upon +and swamped him all at once. + +Scarcely had he begun his work than he was startled by the ringing of a +bell. + +It was just over his head and proceeded from the telephone. + +Now Joseph knew just as much about a telephone as he did about the +phonograph or the dot-and-dash system of telegraphy. + +He sprang from his chair, turned ghastly pale, and fancied it was an +alarm of fire. + +What should he do? + +For fully a minute he stood gazing vacantly at the box and the bell. + +Then it rang again. + +Joseph jumped half-a-foot in the air. + +Then he rushed into the general room, where he found Mr. Maybrick +talking to a client. + +"Please sir, can I disturb you for a moment?" he said. + +"I'm very particularly engaged, Loyd," replied the broker. + +"Excuse me, but----" + +"What is it?" + +"There's a bell ringing." + +"Oh! the telephone. I forgot to tell you to attend to it." + +"It's rung twice." + +"Then somebody is in a hurry. Answer and come and tell me what it is." + +"How do you do it, sir?" + +"Speak through the instrument, ask who it is, and what he wants, and put +the tube to your ear." + +The fright had somewhat stimulated Joseph's powers of hearing, for he +caught these instructions and hastened back to the inner office. After a +little experimenting he put himself in communication, and the following +colloquy ensued. + +"Who is it?" asked Joe. + +"Oliphant," was the reply. + +"Elephant," mused Joe. "That's funny." + +But he went at it again. + +"What do you want?" + +"By one o'clock, sell 10,000 Mex. Rails." + +Joe heard this order imperfectly. + +"Buy 10,000 ox-tails," he said to himself. "This is a queer business." + +Yet he was not discouraged. + +Joe had not come into the City for nothing. He meant to do his duty or +perish in the attempt. + +"Right," he answered. "Is that all?" + +"Yes. I'll call after lunch for the contract note." + +"Very well, sir." + +Having received his instructions, Joe, very proud of his success in +manipulating such a peculiar instrument as the telephone, sought his +employer. + +"Well, Loyd," exclaimed that gentleman. + +"It's all right, sir," replied Joe. + +"What is?" + +"The elephant wants you to buy him 10,000 ox-tails." + +Mr. Maybrick elevated his eyebrows. + +"Who did you say?" he demanded in a loud voice. + +"The elephant." + +"Mr. Oliphant, I suppose you mean." + +"Ah! it might have been Oliphant, or Boliphant, it was something like +that." + +"Ox-tails. Why not Mex. Rails.? Mexican Railways, you know." + +"Humph," said Joe, "very likely." + +"Are you sure he said 'buy?'" + +"Oh! yes, sir, that was distinct enough, and he said he'd come after +lunch for the distracting note." + +"Contract note." + +"It may be that. The gentleman did not speak very distinctly." + +"Oliphant has a low voice," said Mr. Maybrick, thoughtfully, "but he's +one of my best customers. Perhaps he's heard something; he must have got +some information. I'll have a bit in this myself. Oliphant is a very +shrewd and careful speculator. That will do, Loyd." + +Joseph departed, highly delighted. + +"Ha! ha! ha!" laughed Mr. Maybrick when Joe had gone, "my new clerk is +an odd one; 'Buy 10,000 ox-tails for the elephant,' that's good. I must +tell that story in the House." + +He beckoned to his manager, who was a man named Mappin, and told him to +buy the required quantity of Mexican railway stock. + +"Market's very weak, sir. It's fallen to-day one half already in +anticipation of a bad dividend," replied Mappin. + +"Can't help that." + +Mappin went away to execute the order. + +An hour elapsed, and a special edition of an evening paper was brought +into the office. + +It contained a telegram from Mexico, stating that there had not been one +revolution, and two earthquakes in that country before breakfast, as +usual, that morning. The railway dividend was remarkably good, and +Mexican Preference Stock went up five per cent., at which price the +broker took upon himself to close the account, thinking his client would +be well satisfied with his profits. + +"Clever fellow, Oliphant," muttered Mr. Maybrick; "up to every move on +the board. Deuced clever!" + +At that moment Mr. Oliphant, who was a stout, red-faced man, inclined to +apoplexy, rushed into the office. + +He was agitated, and looked as if he was going to have a fit. + +"Close the account," he gasped. + +"I have done so," was the reply. + +"What at?" + +"A rise of five per cent." + +"It will ruin me," groaned Oliphant. + +"How? you telephoned me to buy." + +"I said 'sell.'" + +"Then my clerk made a mistake," exclaimed Maybrick; "but it's a lucky +mistake for both you and I, for I followed your lead." + +"You're joking!" + +"Never was more serious in my life. I'll give you a cheque at once." + +Mr. Oliphant's face brightened. + +"And I'll give your wooden-headed clerk a ten pound note," he said. + +"That may console him for his dismissal," said Maybrick, dryly. + +"Are you going to get rid of him?" + +"Most decidedly. I cannot afford to keep a clerk who makes errors of +that kind. This time it has come out all right; next time it may be all +wrong." + +"Just so," replied Mr. Oliphant. + +He handed Maybrick the ten pounds, which the broker gave to Mappin, +telling him to present it to Joseph, and inform him that his services +would not be any longer required, and the premium his father had paid +should be returned by post. Then the broker gave Mr. Oliphant his +unexpected profits, and they went out to have a bottle of champagne +together. + +Mappin sought Joseph. + +"What are you doing?" he asked. + +"Doing sums," replied Joe, which was his idea of book-keeping. + +"Well, you need not do any more." + +"No, I don't think it a bore," said Joe. "It's all in the day's work, +don't you know?" + +"You're not wanted here." + +"Can't I hear? what do you know about it?" + +"The fool's deaf," cried Mappin, raising his voice. "Take this tenner +and go." + +Joe heard this plain enough. + +"Sacked!" he said, laconically. + +"Yes," replied Mappin, nodding his head vigorously. + +"What for?" + +"Playing the fool with the telephone. We've no use for you." + +"Oh! very well. I thought I shouldn't answer." + +"You see, we don't run our business on the silent system." + +Joe put on his hat and coat, with that perfect unconcern which always +distinguished him. + +"Good morning," he said, pocketing the note. "I say, I don't think much +of telephones, do you?" + +"Yes, it's a very clever invention." + +"Ah! there's no accounting for taste." + +With these words Joseph quitted the office, and took a walk in the City. + + (_From_ "AWFUL STORIES," _by permission of_ Messrs. DIPROSE & + BATEMAN.) + + + + +THE LADY FREEMASON. + +H. T. CRAVEN. + + + Vainly we seek it, Sanscrit or Greek writ + In hist'ry, the myst'ry of Solomon's secret:-- + The dark queen of Sheba p'raps tried to get hold of it, + But didn't; at least if she _did_, we're not told of it. + If McAbel of Lodge number one lets it slip, + His brother O'Cain of Lodge two, gives the grip + _Ą la garotte_ they say. Be that as it may, + The Cowan is somehow put out of the way. + So now if you've fear for my prudence, dispel it; + First place, I don't know--next, I don't mean to tell it + But praise a shrewd guess, if you think I deserve it, + The cream of the secret is--_how to preserve it_! + A sworn brother mason who'd ever disseminate + His knowledge, or blab, would be worse than effeminate! + On feminine weakness, though, let me be reticent, + Rememb'ring the tale of the famous Miss Betty St. + Ledger, whose name sheds a permanent grace on + One fifty--the Lodge of the Lady Freemason. + + My Lord Doneraile, Ne'er known to fail + In duties masonic, held land in entail + With a mansion near Dublin, of such wide dimension, + That a Freemason's Lodge of no little pretension + Was warranted, charter'd, and duly appointed, + And worshipful ruler my lord was anointed. + No master, 'twas said, ever laid down the law so; + No masons kept secrets so sacred--or swore so! + None drill'd and so skill'd were, in sep'rate degree, + By the P. M. presiding (of course my Lord D.) + It beggars description--you'd fail to appreciate + The hubbub within when they met to '_initiate_.' + + Such tyling and tapping, Such knocking and rapping, + Such shrieks and such squeaks--such clapping and slapping + Such mauling and hauling and tearing and swearing, + Such whisp'ring of secrets and 'tell-if-you-dare'-ing-- + Such groans and such yells, And such roast-goosey smells, + When the poker was used--like the scene in 'The Bells' + You doubtless have thought so appalling--enerving-- + You'd think 'twas some madman, who thought himself Irving; + The cauterization, On good information, + Amounted, I say, to a partial cremation; + And sore on the subject were all Erin's gay sons + Next day, when the boys gave 'em sauce for 'fried masons.' + + Be it known that Miss Betty was Doneraile's daughter, + And one Richard Aldworth aspired to court her, + Yet made his advances with progress so scanty, + He really remain'd much _in statu quo ante_; + His motto was '_Spero_,' But hope was at zero; + In the lady's eye Dick didn't pose as a hero + When her father, Lord Doneraile, ask'd of him, whether + He'd join the F.M.'s; he had shown the white feather! + Whereat the proud beauty declared that no other + Should e'er be _her_ slave than 'a man and a _brother_': + So Dick, having dined, and not quite _compos mentis_, + Agreed to go in for an 'entered apprentice.' + + The eve had arrived, and the hall so baronial, + Was deck'd in due form for the night's ceremonial; + Miss Betty, in passing downstairs, chanced to see + Tho' the Chubb had been lock'd, they had left in the key + Of a small ante-room of some minor utility, + But prized by the Lodge for its accessibility: + Miss said to herself, 'Tho' I fear the attempt, I + Should like just to see what a Lodge is like--empty!' + Oh! daughters of Eve, There are some who believe + Your tongues are your weakness--your failing, verbosity; + While others contend, You'll never amend + Of that fault Mrs. Bluebeard possess'd--curiosity! + Now I--though I'd fain dub such slanders as petty-- + Own they do say as much of dear, charming Miss Betty: + Tho' found to be equal, To hold tongue or speak well + With other good masons--but wait for the sequel! + + In through this outer door--closing it warily; + Out through an inner door--softly and fairyly-- + _She's there!_ In the Lodge, where wax tapers are blazing, + All deftly arranged with precision amazing:-- + In the east for the Worshipful Boss is a throne. + In the west, Senior Warden--the places all shown + (No doubt to prevent any squabbles or wrangles) + Initiall'd on chair-backs, in gilded triangles; + On a table deep myst'ries we must not unravel-- + The Mallet, the Plumb, and the Gauge, and the Gavel! + Other engines whose uses we fear to unriddle-- + The Thumb-screw--the Pincers--a Poker--a Griddle! + With tapers and papers and paraphernalia, + Blue ribbons and jewels and things call'd 'Regalia!' + The silence and solitude there were delicious; + And any one caring to feel superstitious, + Might fancy the ghosts of freemasons, translated + To Lodges above--or below--reinstated, + Array'd in their mouldy old aprons; each brother + Past Master, who'd passed from this world to another. + + But horror of horrors! whilst here she was musing, + Came footsteps without, and--oh! sound most confusing! + She heard the key turned. (That same key that beguiled + In the first-mention'd door.) _Now_ 'twas lock'd and fast tyled! + She rush'd to the ante-room, wild to get back, + But this cooled her courage, 'twas now _cul de sac_; + And hark! In the Lodge--to augment her disaster-- + The Masons assembling, escorting the Master! + To hide while she thought how to 'scape from mishap, + She closed t'other door of this snug little trap; + That door has a crevice, and thereby new woes arise, + To secrets forbidden in vain 'tis to close her eyes; + How can she but note the masonic particulars, + With no cotton-wool to cram in her auriculars? + She heard her dad ask, most distinctly--and trembled + At Dogberry's words--"Are we here all dissembled?" + + Then commenced ceremonials misty and mystical, + Questions and answers in form catechistical. + My lord, in a tone both emphatic and sonorous, + Impressing on each that his duties were onerous; + (One duty, to Betty, seem'd highly improper-- + 'Twas 'kill, without questioning, any eavesdropper!') + When the master, with sudden and well-feigned dismay, + For he very well knew that he'd got it to say, + Cried 'Hark, there is danger, I feel that a stranger + Who's seeking for knowledge is coming this way!' + Each took up a napkin--the end dipt in water, + And cried '_Porkitotius!_ Give him no quarter!' + While outside the door sundry knocks loud and clamorous + (As Vulcan might deal when in humour sledge-hammerous) + Were echoed within by three knocks--just the same, + With the pertinent query--'How now! What's your game?' + And a chap (_déshabillé_) in great perturbation + Is 'run in,' very much like a prig to a station. + + Disguised as he was, through the _ą-propos_ hole + The lady identified Aldworth's red poll, + And thought, 'Well, I wish you, poor fellow, good luck, + Or--more to the purpose--I wish you, good pluck!' + For her father was urging in solemn oration, + 'You need, my young friend, for your fearful probation + Endurance--true Courage--and strong Veneration! + We commence with (don't grin, sir!) a pleasant frivolity:-- + Just give of Endurance a taste of your quality; + 'Tis nothing--a towelling. Brothers, prepare!' + Then each had a flick at Dick's legs--which were bare: + He danced and he pranced at each cut of the towel + And prod from the rear with a sharp-pointed trowel, + And look'd--as he caper'd in lily-white kilt-- + The ghost of a Highlander dancing a lilt. + To Scotch eyes, however, The steps might seem clever, + Dick show'd less a hero in Betty's than ever, + And shock'd, when he cried--cutting up rather rough-- + 'D longstroke your optics--hold hard! That's enough!' + + 'Enough?' said the worshipful, 'Yes, of this fun! + Stern proof of your courage has not yet begun; + D'ye hear, sir, those knocks? Brothers, let in the stoker, + And form a procession to bring in the poker! + See the surgeon is ready to make all secure + With lancet and tourniquet, bandage and ligature!' + But why freeze your marrow--Your feelings why harrow? + Your hearts are too soft and our space is too narrow + To tell all the horrors! 'Twould fill you with awe + To listen to half that Elizabeth saw:-- + Let us come to Dick's howl--such a howl!--which as soon + As she heard it, Miss Betty fell down in a swoon + All in a lump, With a bump and a thump + That made all the brothers to gape and to jump. + And turn pale and cry, 'Bedad there's a spy + Shut up in that closet, and there he shall die! + + To rush to the chamber--to find what was in it + And seize the eavesdropper--was the work of a minute; + To lift up and shake her, To rouse up and wake her + To consciousness--then in the Lodge-room to take her, + Was work for six brothers, who cried as they brought her, + 'We've sought her and caught her!' My lord cried, 'My daughter!' + And sunk down as needing, himself, a supporter:-- + In rush'd the tylers, Crusty old file-ers! + With anger 'a busting their blessed old bilers;' + Looking so grim at her, One raised his cimeter, + And to very short shift was advancing to limit her, + As 'Hold!' cried my lord, 'Hear your master--or rather, + I'd speak to you all, as her judge--not her father! + Perchance she knows nothing, and, if she will swear it, + Her life shall be spared--_I_, your _Master_, will spare it! + Oh, tell me, my child, what you've seen--what you've heard?' + The truthful girl sobb'd, 'Ev'ry act! ev'ry word!' + 'Alas,' faltered he, 'you have seal'd your own doom!' + And 'Down with the spy!' cried each one in the room; + One raised a dagger, Some shouted 'Scrag her!' + Some raised a trap-door, and rush'd forward to drag her, + When a voice like a thunder-clap topp'd all the rest, + And Dick semi-dress'd Presented his breast + Before her, 'Strike _here_!' was his manly request: + 'Strike me if you dare, By jingo, I swear + Of her you shall touch not so much as a hair! + I mean, my good sirs, Whatever occurs + To your lives or mine, you shall not take _hers_! + Her white arm how dare you place finger or fist on?' + And Dick, shooting out his own arm like a piston, + Knock'd over a senior warden who held her; + Sent spinning a middle-aged junior--his elder, + Hit out at a tyler, A blatant reviler, + Mash'd the mug of a masher call'd 'Tim' the Beguiler; + 'Look out!' cried another, 'The Saxon's a bruiser!' + And straightway got one on his 'conk'--a confuser! + A dozen unitedly Shouted excitedly + 'Fell him, or else this young fellow will wallop us!' + Down went two deacons, Not very weak ones, + And a blow on the nose of the third burst a polypus, + When the hero (Dick now at the title arrives, + Denied him before he had handled his fives, + So many bawling, Reeling and sprawling, + For each brother knocked down another in falling), + Had 'flutter'd the Voices' from east to the west, + He paused like a warrior taking his rest, + Or Spartan who'd caused lots of Persians to topple, he + Took breath--as _he_ did at a place call'd Thermopylę. + + Now outspoke my lord in a masterful way, + 'A truce and a parley! I've something to say! + 'Tis writ in our laws "If an eavesdropper pries + And filches our secrets, he (mark the HE!) dies!" + Now this is a _she_--therefore _not_ an eavesdropper; + To kill her, I say, would be highly improper + Unless she objects. To do as directs + The master (c'est moi!). Now mark what I say next! + Let's make her a mason, And put a good face on + The matter, believing she'll prove not a base one; + I'll take on myself--ending doubt and confusion-- + To write to Great Queen Street and get absolution!' + Then upspake the stoker--A regular croaker, + 'I'd like to know how you'll get over the poker!' + 'Long ago,' said my lord---the precise _annus mundi_ + 'I can't call to mind--_regno Coli Jucundi_, + (A monarch whose province was Pipo-cum-Fiddlum-- + A part of the region of Great Tarrididdlom) + Sundry by-laws were pass'd for emergencies various + Whereby the submission to brand is vicarious: + Will some volunteer (_Her_ substitute here) + Submit to the crucial test? 'Tis severe!' + Dick on now spake, 'E'en to the stake + 'I'll go, like a martyr, as proxy to take + All over again for the dear lady's sake;-- + That is (here he tenderly glanced), she approving?' + 'I do!' said the maiden, in accent quite loving. + 'Agreed!' shouted all who'd been punch'd, 'Be it so!' + Glad, no doubt, of the chance to give Dick _quid pro quo_. + + The lady withdrew, in well-guarded condition; + The deck's quickly clear'd for the second edition + Of flicks and of kicks, Pinching and licks, + Twingeing and singeing--but murmur of Dick's + None heard e'en a word; he was truly heroic, + And went through it all with a smile, like a stoic; + And when he--so rumpled from processes recent-- + Retired to make himself decently decent, + Miss St. Ledger return'd--resolution her face on-- + Took the oaths, and was enter'd a 'Prenticed Freemason! + + +Moral. + + When you meet with a mason, just mention this lass; + I warrant she'll prove an excuse for a glass! + If he's a true brother, the toast is a favourite, + He's good for a bottle, but mind _you_ don't pay for it! + You've but to edge her Name in, and pledge her, + The Lady Freemason--MISS BETTY ST. LEDGER! + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT! + +_From the French of M. Charles Monselet, by_ F. B. HARRISON. + + +I cannot deceive myself--I was horribly tipsy last night. Let him who +has never been in the like case throw the first empty bottle at me! + +How did it happen? In this way. I, a civilian, reading law, was invited +to dine at the garrison mess. I had never been at a similar +entertainment, and I cannot but think, now that I look back on it, that +the officers played some trick on me. I only knew that they were +prodigiously polite, which always looks suspicious. From a certain +point, from the third course, I remember very little; a sort of cloudy +curtain intercepts the view like the curtains that come down in a +pantomime, and I don't know whether I was Clown, or Pantaloon, or +Columbine. + +Yet something must have happened to me, a great many things. I've been +sleeping in my white tie; and then my face! What a shockingly yellow, +dissipated face! Upon my word, it is a pretty affair! At my time, +one-and-twenty, to be overcome by wine like a schoolboy out for a +holiday! + +I cannot express what I think of it. + +How am I to know what happened last night? Ask my landlady? No; I cannot +let her see how ashamed I am. Besides, she would only know the condition +in which I came home; and that I can guess. + +They say that from a single bone Professor Owen can reconstruct an +entire antediluvian animal; I must try and do something similar to +reconstruct my existence during the last twelve or fourteen hours. I +must get hold of two or three clues. + +Where can I find them? + +In my pockets, perhaps. + +Since I was a small boy I have always had the habit of stuffing them +with all manner of things. Now, this is the time for me to search them. + +I tremble. What shall I find? + + [_Searches his waistcoat pocket._ + +I have gently insinuated two fingers into my waistcoat-pocket, +and have brought out my purse. Empty! Hang it! + + [_Lifts his overcoat from the floor._ + +On picking up my overcoat I have found my pocket-book, half open, and +the papers fallen from it on the carpet. + +The first of these papers which catches my eye is the _carte_ of last +night's dinner. Well, who was there? How many of us? Several of the +fellows I knew, of course; but which of them? Happy thought! The _menu_ +will remind me of their various tastes and reveal their names to me. + +'Oysters.' Well, I know that the Colonel is a tremendous hand at +oysters, so I am sure he was there. + +'Mulligatawny.' That is Captain Simpkin's soup, or rather liquid fire, +so Simpkins was there. Two of them. + +'Roast Beef.' Makes me think of little Dumerque, the Jersey man, who +wants to be a thorough Englishman. He was there. + +'Saddle of Mutton.' Tom Horsley, the inveterate steeple-chaser. + +'Charlotte Russe.' That is Ned Walker, who published his travels from +"Peterborough to Petersburg." Now I know pretty well who some of my +fellow-guests were. As for the others---- + + [_Picks up some photographs._ + +Hallo! were there women at the mess? No, certainly not. Then we must +have talked of women, and the men must have given me photographs of +their female relatives. Strange thing to do! especially as I don't know +the ladies. Here's an ancient and fish-like personage in a blue jersey. +Dumerque's grandmother, I'll be bound. Here a stout, middle-aged dame, +widow probably. I know Simpkins wants to marry a widow, but why give me +her portrait? + +And this--this is charming! Quite in the modern style--low forehead, +small nose, tiny mouth, all eyes, and what splendid eyes! and such +lashes! She is fair, as well as one can judge from a photograph. And the +little curls on her forehead are like rings of gold. And so young, a +mere child. A lovely figure; our forefathers would have compared her to +a rose-tree, but then our forefathers were not strong in similes. She +has neither ear-rings nor necklace; perhaps that gives her that look of +disdain. Disdain! she knows nothing yet of life, but tries to seem tired +of it. They are all like that. + +Who is she? She must be the Colonel's daughter; I've heard that his +daughter is a pretty girl. I must have expressed my warm admiration of +the photograph, and he must have responded by giving it to me. Did I ask +him for her hand? Did he refuse it? or did he put off his reply? Perhaps +that was why I drank too much. + +Now let me proceed. What further happened? Let me continue my +researches. + + [_Tries the pockets of his overcoat._ + +By Jingo! Two visiting cards! The first says: + + "Captain Wellington Spearman, + FIRST ROYAL LANCER DRAGOONS." + +The other: + + "Major Garnet Babelock Cannon, + RIFLE ARTILLERY." + +Now, what does it all mean? I do not know those military gentlemen. They +must have been guests like myself. How do I come to have their cards? +There must have been some dispute, some quarrel, some row. These two +cards must have been given in exchange for two of mine. + +It all comes back to me! + +A duel--perhaps two duels! + +But duels about what? Whom did I affront? I know I'm an awful fire-eater +when I've drank too much. But was I the challenger or the challenged? I +think my left cheek is rather swollen as if from a blow; but that is +mere fancy. What dreadful follies have I got myself into? + +I can make out some pencil marks on the first card, that of the Captain +in the Lancer Dragoons. Yes. "Ten o'clock, behind St. Martin's Church." + +Ah, a hostile meeting, that is clear. I must run, perhaps I shall be in +time. + +No, too late; it is half-past eleven. + +I am dishonoured, branded as a coward! No one will believe me when I say +that I had a headache, and overslept myself on the morning of a duel. + +I have no energy to look further in my pocket. Still, one never +knows---- + + [_Brings out a handkerchief._ + +A handkerchief--a very fine one--thin cambric. But it is not one of +mine. There is a coronet in the corner. How did I come by this +handkerchief? Could I have stolen it? I seem to be on the road to the +county gaol. + +Oh, how my head aches! + +A flower is in my button-hole. How did it come there? Forget-me-nots; +their blue eyes closed, all withered and drooping. I could not have +bought so humble a bouquet at the flower-shop; it must have been given +me. It was given me, it came to me from the fair one with golden curls. +Her father gave it to me from her, knowing that I was about to risk my +life--to risk my life for her sake, no doubt. + +Yes, that is it. My fears increase. I dread to know more. I am afraid to +prosecute my researches in my pockets. I may find my hands full of +forget-me-nots--or of blood! + +Oh! ah! by jove! + +What now? + +This overcoat is not mine. No, mine is dark grey, this is light grey. I +have not travelled through my pockets, but through the pockets of +somebody else. + +But then--if the coat is not mine, neither is the duel. + +Not mine the _carte_. + +Not mine the photographs. + +Not mine the forget-me-nots. + +Not mine the cards. + +I have not stolen the handkerchief. + +I am all right; thank goodness I am all right! + +And my romance about the Colonel's lovely daughter--I am sorry about it, +upon my word. At least, I am sorry for her, for I fear now she will +never make my acquaintance. + + (_By permission of_ MESSRS. R. BENTLEY & SON.) + + + + +THE FATAL LEGS. + +WALTER BROWNE. + + +I am an actor, or rather, I call myself one. I am, however, +"disengaged;" the more so since Widow Walker has----. But let me not +anticipate; which, by-the-bye, I never could have done--no matter. I +took apartments, comfortably furnished, with a widow lady named Walker. +I was "first floor back"; and "first floor front" was Mr. Simon Simpkin, +of the ---- Theatre. The widow always called us "first floors," either +"back" or "front," and never by our names, although we never called her +out of hers. If we had, she would not have come. She was an obstinate +woman, but at times she got confused. She always called me in the +morning, and once she called me "front," and then went to Simpkin with +my shaving water. When I called her back, she called me something else, +and threw the pitcher at me. I was in hot water for a while. + +The Widow Walker was fair, fat, and forty--that is, rather fair, +extremely fat, and very forty. She might be more; at any rate her voice +was forte too. The actor, Simpkin, was fragile and long. He played heavy +parts, which possibly was the cause of his constant complaint that he +had not got his share of "fat." Although lengthy, he was even less in +his various diameters than I was, still I longed for his length. And +why? The Widow Walker wallowed in wealth untold, and I could see she +smiled upon the suit of Simon Simpkin. Well she might. It was +second-hand. He, too, was a widower, or rather, he would have been if +his wife had lived. I mean, if she had lived to be his wife. But she +didn't. She died before the fatal knot was tied; in fact, it was not +tied at all. No matter, he had loved before, while my suit was brand +new. I determined to try it on. I longed to win the widow for my wife--I +should say for myself. One day I saw the actor kiss her through the +keyhole. We were rivals from that moment--at least I was. He didn't see +me, or he would have been one too; I mean one also. That is to say there +would have been two of us, whereas there was only one of me--no matter. + +The widow went a good deal to the theatre. She ordered him, and he gave +her orders--that is, "passes for two." He knew her size. She always took +"twos" in seats. He did the villains at the theatre, while I did the +hero at home. He bellowed in blank verse, while I blew the kitchen fire +with the bellows. He mashed her, while I mashed the potatoes for supper. +But I determined to beard the clean-shaved lion in his lair. In short, +or rather, at length, I obtained an engagement, and became an actor. My +rival and myself now stood on the same footing. I mean we should have +done, only, in a word, we didn't. Simon Simpkin, as before observed, +indeed observed anyhow, was slender as a willow wand, and appropriately +pliable, especially about the legs. Still, on the stage, his nether +limbs looked round and well proportioned. His calves might pass for +cows, and his knees were second elbows, or rather, "Elba's"--they held a +bony part in exile. + +On the other hand--I should say legs--my tights were always loose, and +while the widow smiled on his understanding, she smiled _at_ mine. I +thirsted for my hated rival's blood, or rather for his flesh, more +correctly speaking, for the shape of his legs--technically, for his +"leg-shapes." Having failed in an attempt to have his blood by means of +a darning-needle, I determined to go for his shapes. I went for them one +night before the performance. I went to his dressing-room and got them. +That night the Widow Walker was in front. I was desperate. I was +determined that she should see her Simpkin in all his naked--I should +say his unpadded--deformity, and that mine--that is, my limbs--should be +resplendent in his borrowed plumes. But alas, all my plans--and +myself--were violently overthrown--by Simpkin. + +I had merely insinuated one leg in the woolly pads, when he insinuated +another somewhere else. We argued the matter all over my dressing-room. +Meanwhile, time jogged merrily along. The curtain was raised, and so +were we eventually; but unfortunately I had only retained one half of +those precious pads. The right was left on my leg, but Simpkin had +carried off the left leg all right! What was I to do? My left leg would +not look right, or if it did, my right would be wrong. There was no +time, however, for consideration, as my face required sponging before +applying the sticking-plaster, and eventually I had to hobble on to the +stage with two odd understandings--that is, one odd one and one even +one. Even that was odd, which appears odd--no matter. + +Fortunately I went on from the O.P. side, which enabled me to put my +best leg foremost. In the centre of the stage I met Simpkin, who had +entered from the prompt side. The widow gazed with rapture on us both, +until, oh, horror! after a short scene it was necessary that each of us +should retire to the place from whence we came. We advanced towards it, +backwards, and mutually stumbling, our other legs became exposed to +view. A yell from the audience, the sack from the management, and a +week's notice from the widow, subsequently greeted us. Besides which, +Simpkin and myself are not on the best of terms. We get into argument +when we meet in the streets. I stay at home a good deal now. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +THE CALIPH'S JESTER. + +(FROM THE ARABIC.) + + + On a _musnud_ of state was reclining the Caliph, the Mighty Haroun; + His brow like the sun it was shining, his face it was like the full moon, + + And his courtiers around him were standing, like stars in an indigo sky, + And the _saki_ the wine-cup was handing--for the monarch, though pious, + was dry. + + And the poets their works were reciting in Arabic numbers divine, + The hearts of all hearers delighting with verses like Afdhal's or mine. + + Then the Caliph glared round the assembly, as a lion glares round on the + herd, + And the knees of the courtiers grew trembly, and their hearts fluttered + e'en as a bird; + + And cold drops were distilled from each forehead, and each tongue to its + palate did cling, + For their fear of their Caliph was horrid--he was such a passionate king! + + At length in a voice that with passion was shaking, it pleased him to + speak:-- + "Does he know whom he treats in this fashion? Did you e'er behold aught + like his cheek? + + "This poet, this jester, this chaffer, this pig's son, this bullock, + this ass, + This black-hearted, black-visaged Kaffir, this Infidel, ABU NUWAS!" + + "I bade him come hither to meet us, in this serious Council of State; + And this is the way he dares treat us. Ye dogs, he is five minutes late!" + + Then the heart of his Highness relented; Rashid was of changeable mood; + "Maybe he's been somehow prevented; to get in a rage does no good. + + "His jests, too, are always so pleasant, one somehow his impudence + stands; + Besides, poor Mesrour just at present has plenty of work on his hands. + + "But although I can't perfectly tame him till he goes to the Nita to + school, + At least I can thoroughly shame him, and make him appear like a fool. + + "Slaves, fetch me some eggs--not new laid--you can find some stale ones + that will do. + Now execute quick what I bade you, or else I will execute _you_." + + They brought him the eggs in a charger, all studded with many a pearl, + The same pattern--though just a bit larger--as that of Herodias' girl; + + And the Caliph took one egg, and hid it away in his cushion, which done, + He bade them all do so. They did it; and sat down awaiting the fun. + + With an air that was saucy and braggish, with a step that was jaunty and + spruce, + With a smile that was merry and waggish, with a mien that was reckless + and loose, + + With a "How is your high disposition to-morrow, if God should so will?" + With a "Here in our ancient position, your Majesty seeth us still!" + + With a face all be-chalked and be-painted, with a bound through the + portal doth pass + One with whom we're already acquainted, the world-renowned Abu Nuwas! + + "Right welcome! Right welcome! my brother!" his Majesty smilingly spake, + "We were just now in want of another, a nice game at forfeits to make. + + "Whatever I do you must watch it, and each do precisely the same-- + If I catch you chaps laughing you'll catch it! sit still and attend to + the game. + + "If you do just as I do, precisely, a _dīnār_ apiece shall ye gain, + If you don't, won't I give it you nicely--Mesrour you stand by with the + cane!" + + He spake: and the smile on his features was mischievous, cunning and + grim, + And the courtiers, poor awe-stricken creatures, smiled feebly and gazed + upon him. + + "Cluck, cluck, cluck aroo!" representing the note of a jubilant hen, + The Caliph arises, presenting an egg, to the sight of all men. + + "Cluck, cluck, cluck aroo!" and the rabble are all at once up on their + legs, + And with ornithological gabble display their mysterious eggs. + + Then without in the least hesitating steps Abu Nuwas before all. + "Cock-a-doodle doo doo!" imitating a rooster's hilarious call. + + "Now I know why it is that you cackle," said he, "when you're trying + to talk! + And you find me a hard one to tackle, because I am COCK OF THE WALK!" + + (_From_ "TEMPLE BAR," _by permission of the Editor_.) + + + + +A JOURNEY IN SEARCH OF NOTHING. + +WILKIE COLLINS. + + +"Yes," said the doctor, pressing the tips of his fingers with a +tremulous firmness on my pulse, and looking straight forward into the +pupils of my eyes, "yes, I see: the symptoms all point unmistakeably +towards one conclusion--Brain. My dear sir, you have been working too +hard; you have been following the dangerous example of the rest of the +world in this age of business and bustle. Your brain is over-taxed--that +is your complaint. You must let it rest--there is your remedy." + +"You mean," I said, "that I must keep quiet, and do Nothing?" + +"Precisely so," replied the doctor. "You must not read or write; you +must abstain from allowing yourself to be excited by society; you must +have no annoyances; you must feel no anxieties; you must not think; you +must be neither elated nor depressed; you must keep early hours and take +an occasional tonic, with moderate exercise, and a nourishing but not +too full a diet--above all, a perfect repose is essential to your +restoration, you must go away into the country, taking any direction you +please, and living just as you like, as long as you are quiet and as +long as you do Nothing." + +"I presume he is not to go away into the country without ME," said my +wife, who was present at the interview. + +"Certainly not," rejoined the doctor, with an acquiescent bow. "I look +to your influence, my dear madam, to encourage our patient in following +my directions. It is unnecessary to repeat them, they are so extremely +simple and easy to carry out. I will answer for your husband's recovery +if he will but remember that he has now only two objects in life--to +keep quiet, and to do Nothing." + +My wife is a woman of business habits. As soon as the doctor had taken +his leave, she produced her pocket-book, and made a brief abstract of +his directions for our future guidance. I looked over her shoulder and +observed that the entry ran thus:-- + + "RULES FOR DEAR WILLIAM'S RESTORATION TO HEALTH.--No reading; no + writing; no excitement; no annoyance; no anxiety; no thinking. Tonic. + No elation of spirits. Nice dinners. No depression of spirits. Dear + William to take little walks (with me). To go to bed early. To get up + early. _N.B._--Keep him quiet. _Mem._ Mind he does Nothing." + +Mind I do nothing? No need to mind that. I have not had a holiday since +I was a boy. Oh, blessed Idleness, after the years of merciless +industry that have separated us, are you and I to be brought together +again at last? Oh, my weary right hand, are you really to ache no longer +with driving the ceaseless pen? May I, indeed, put you in my pocket and +let you rest there, indolently, for hours together? Yes! for I am now, +at last, to begin--doing Nothing. Delightful task that performs itself! +Welcome responsibility that carries its weight away smoothly on its own +shoulders! + +These thoughts shine in pleasantly on my mind after the doctor has taken +his departure, and diffuse an easy gaiety over my spirits when my wife +and I set forth, the next day, for the journey. We are not going the +round of the noisy watering-places, nor is it our intention to accept +any invitations to join the circles assembled by festive country +friends. My wife, guided solely by the abstract of the doctor's +directions in her pocket-book, has decided that the only way to keep me +absolutely quiet, and to make sure of my doing nothing, is to take me to +some pretty, retired village, and to put me up at a little primitive, +unsophisticated country inn. I offer no objection to this project--not +because I have no will of my own, and am not master of all my +movements--but only because I happen to agree with my wife. Considering +what a very independent man I am naturally, it has sometimes struck me, +as a rather remarkable circumstance, that I always do agree with her. + +We find the pretty, retired village. A charming place, full of thatched +cottages, with creepers at the doors, like the first easy lessons in +drawing-masters' copy-books. We find the unsophisticated inn--just the +sort of house that the novelists are so fond of writing about, with the +snowy curtains, and the sheets perfumed by lavender, and the matronly +landlady, and the amusing signpost. + +This Elysium is called the Nag's Head. + +Can the Nag's Head accommodate us? Yes, with a delightful bedroom, and a +sweet parlour. My wife takes off her bonnet, and makes herself at home +directly. She nods her head at me with a look of triumph. "Yes, dear, on +this occasion also I quite agree with you. Here we have found perfect +quiet; here we may make sure of obeying the doctor's orders; here we +have at last discovered--Nothing." + +Nothing! Did I say Nothing? We arrive at the Nag's Head late in the +evening, have our tea, go to bed tired with our journey, sleep +delightfully till about three o'clock in the morning, and, at that hour, +begin to discover that there are actually noises, even in this remote +country seclusion. They keep fowls at the Nag's Head; and at three +o'clock, the cock begins to crow, and the hen to cluck, under our +window. Pastoral, my dear, and suggestive of eggs for breakfast whose +reputation is above suspicion; but I wish these cheerful fowls did not +wake quite so early. Are there, likewise, dogs, love, at the Nag's +Head, and are they trying to bark down the crowing and clucking of the +cheerful fowls? I should wish to guard myself against the possibility of +making a mistake, but I think I hear three dogs. A shrill dog, who barks +rapidly; a melancholy dog, who howls monotonously; and a hoarse dog, who +emits barks at intervals, like minute guns. Is this going on long? +Apparently it is. My dear, if you will refer to your pocket-book, I +think you will find that the doctor recommended early hours. We will not +be fretful and complain of having our morning sleep disturbed; we will +be contented, and will only say that it is time to get up. + +Breakfast. Delicious meal, let us linger over it as long as we can,--let +us linger, if possible, till the drowsy mid-day tranquillity begins to +sink over this secluded village. + +Strange! but now I think of it again, do I, or do I not, hear an +incessant hammering over the way? No manufacture is being carried on in +this peaceful place, no new houses are being built; and yet, there is +such a hammering, that, if I shut my eyes, I can almost fancy myself in +the neighbourhood of a dock-yard. Waggons, too. Why does a waggon which +makes so little noise in London, make so much noise here? Is the dust on +the road detonating powder, that goes off with a report at every turn of +the heavy wheels? Does the waggoner crack his whip or fire a pistol to +encourage his horses? Children, next. Only five of them, and they have +not been able to settle for the last half-hour what game they shall play +at. On two points alone do they appear to be unanimous--they are all +agreed on making a noise, and on stopping to make it under our window. I +think I am in some danger of forgetting one of the doctor's directions; +I rather fancy I am actually allowing myself to be annoyed. + +Let us take a turn in the garden, at the back of the house. Dogs again. +The yard is on one side of the garden. Every time our walk takes us near +it, the shrill dog barks, and the hoarse dog growls. The doctor tells me +to have no anxieties. I am suffering devouring anxieties. These dogs may +break loose and fly at us, for anything I know to the contrary, at a +moment's notice. What shall I do? Give myself a drop of tonic? or escape +for a few hours from the perpetual noises of this retired spot, by +taking a drive? My wife says, take a drive. I think I have already +mentioned that I invariably agree with my wife. + +The drive is successful in procuring us a little quiet. My directions to +the coachman are to take us where he pleases, so long as he keeps away +from secluded villages. We suffer much jolting in by-lanes, and +encounter a great variety of bad smells. But a bad smell is a noiseless +nuisance, and I am ready to put up with it patiently. Towards dinner +time we return to our inn. Meat, vegetables, pudding, all excellent, +clean and perfectly cooked. As good a dinner as ever I wish to +eat;--shall I get a little nap after it? The fowls, the dogs, the +hammer, the children, the waggons, are quiet at last. Is there anything +else left to make a noise? Yes: there is the working population of the +place. + +It is getting on towards evening, and the sons of labour are assembling +on the benches placed outside the inn, to drink. What a delightful scene +they would make of this homely everyday event on the stage! How the +simple creatures would clink their tin mugs, and drink each other's +healths, and laugh joyously in chorus! How the peasant maidens would +come tripping on the scene and lure the men tenderly to the dance! Where +are the pipe and tabour that I have seen in so many pictures; where the +simple songs that I have read about in so many poems? What do I hear as +I listen, prone on the sofa, to the evening gathering of the rustic +throng? Oaths,--nothing, on my word of honour, but oaths! I look out, +and see gangs of cadaverous savages drinking gloomily from brown mugs, +and swearing at each other every time they open their lips. Never in any +large town, at home or abroad, have I been exposed to such an incessant +fire of unprintable words, as now assail my ears in this primitive +village. No man can drink to another without swearing at him first. No +man can ask a question without adding a mark of interrogation at the end +in the shape of an oath. Whether they quarrel (which they do for the +most part), or whether they agree; whether they talk of their troubles +in this place, or their good luck in that; whether they are telling a +story, or proposing a toast, or giving an order, or finding fault with +the beer, these men seem to be positively incapable of speaking without +an allowance of at least five foul words for every one fair word that +issues from their lips. English is reduced in their mouths to a brief +vocabulary of all the vilest expressions in the language. This is an age +of civilisation; this is a Christian country; opposite me I see a +building with a spire, which is called, I believe, a church; past my +window, not an hour since, there rattled a neat pony chaise with a +gentleman inside clad in glossy black broad cloth, and popularly known +by the style and title of clergyman. And yet, under all these good +influences, here sit twenty or thirty men whose ordinary table-talk is +so outrageously beastly and blasphemous, that not a single sentence of +it, though it lasted the whole evening, could be printed as a specimen +for public inspection, in these pages. When the intelligent foreigner +comes to England, and when I tell him (as I am sure to do) that we are +the most moral people in the universe, I will take good care that he +does not set his foot in a secluded British village when the rural +population is reposing over its mug of small beer after the labours of +the day. + +I am not a squeamish person, neither is my wife, but the social +intercourse of the villagers drives us out of our room, and sends us to +take refuge at the back of the house. Do we gain anything by the change? +None whatever. + +The back parlour to which we have now retreated, looks out on a +bowling-green; and there are more benches, more mugs of beer, more +foul-mouthed villagers on the bowling-green. Immediately under our +window is a bench and table for two, and on it are seated a drunken old +man and a drunken old woman. The aged sot in trousers is offering +marriage to the aged sot in petticoats with frightful oaths of +endearment. Never before did I imagine that swearing could be twisted to +the purposes of courtship. Never before did I suppose that a man could +make an offer of his hand by bellowing imprecations on his eyes, or that +all the powers of the infernal regions could be appropriately summoned +to bear witness to the beating of a lover's heart under the influence of +the tender passion. I know it now, and I derive little satisfaction from +gaining the knowledge of it. The ostler is lounging about the +bowling-green, scratching his bare brawny arms and yawning grimly in the +mellow evening sunlight. I beckon to him, and ask him at what time the +tap closes? He tells me at eleven o'clock. It is hardly necessary to say +that we put off going to bed until that time, when we retire for the +night, drenched from head to foot, if I may so speak, in floods of bad +language. + +I cautiously put my head out of window, and see that the lights of the +tap-room are really extinguished at the appointed time. I hear the +drinkers oozing out grossly into the pure freshness of the summer night. +They all growl together; they all go together. All? + +Sinner and sufferer that I am, I have been premature in arriving at that +happy conclusion! Six choice spirits, with a social horror in their +souls of going home to bed, prop themselves against the wall of the inn, +and continue the evening's conversazione in the darkness. I hear them +cursing at each other by name. We have Tom, Dick, and Sam, Jem, Bill, +and Bob, to enliven us under our window after we are in bed. They begin +improving each other's minds, as a matter of course, by quarrelling. +Music follows, and soothes the strife, in the shape of a local duet, +sung by voices of vast compass, which soar in one note from howling bass +to cracked treble. Yawning follows the duet; long, loud, weary yawning +of all the company in chorus. This amusement over, Tom asks Dick for +"backer," and Dick denies that he has got any, and Tom tells him he +lies, and Sam strikes in and says, "No, he doan't," and Jem tells Sam he +lies, and Bill tells him that if he was Sam he would punch Jem's head, +and Bob, apparently snuffing the battle afar off, and not liking the +scent of it, shouts suddenly a pacific "good night" in the distance. The +farewell salutation seems to quiet the gathering storm. They all roar +responsive to the good night of Bob. Next, a song in chorus from Bob's +five friends. Outraged by this time beyond all endurance, I spring out +of bed and seize the water-jug. I pause before I empty the water on the +heads of the assembly beneath; I pause, and hear--O! most melodious, +most welcome of sounds!--the sudden fall of rain. The merciful sky has +anticipated me; the "clerk of the weather" has been struck by my idea of +dispersing the Nag's Head Night Club by water. By the time I have put +down the jug and got back to bed, silence--primeval silence, the first, +the foremost of all earthly influences--falls sweetly over our tavern at +last. + +That night, before sinking wearily to rest, I have once more the +satisfaction of agreeing with my wife. Dear and admirable woman! she +proposes to leave this secluded village the first thing to-morrow +morning. Never did I share her opinion more cordially than I share it +now. Instead of keeping myself composed, I have been living in a region +of perpetual disturbance; and, as for doing nothing, my mind has been so +agitated and perturbed that I have not even had time to think about it. +We will go, love--as you so sensibly suggest--we will go the first thing +in the morning to any place you like, so long as it is large enough to +swallow up small sounds. Where, over all the surface of this noisy +earth, the blessing of tranquility may be found, I know not; but this I +do know: a secluded English village is the very last place towards which +any man should think of turning his steps, if the main object of his +walk through life is to discover quiet. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +GEMINI AND VIRGO. + +C. S. CALVERLEY. + + + Some vast amount of years ago, + Ere all my youth had vanish'd from me, + A boy it was my lot to know, + Whom his familiar friends called Tommy. + + I love to gaze upon a child; + A young bud bursting into blossom; + Artless, as Eve yet unbeguiled, + And agile as a young opossum: + + And such was he. A calm-brow'd lad, + Yet mad, at moments, as a hatter: + Why hatters as a race are mad + I never knew, nor does it matter. + + He was what nurses call a "limb;" + One of those small misguided creatures + Who, tho' their intellects are dim, + Are one too many for their teachers: + + And, if you asked of him to say + What twice 10 was, or 3 times 7, + He'd glance (in quite a placid way) + From heaven to earth, from earth to heaven; + + And smile, and look politely round, + To catch a casual suggestion; + But make no effort to propound + Any solution of the question. + + And not so much esteemed was he + Of the authorities: and therefore + He fraternized by chance with me, + Needing a somebody to care for: + + And three fair summers did we twain + Live (as they say) and love together; + And bore by turns the wholesome cane + Till our young skins became as leather: + + And carved our names on every desk, + And tore our clothes, and inked our collars; + And looked unique and picturesque, + But not, it may be, model scholars. + + We did much as we chose to do; + We'd never heard of Mrs. Grundy; + All the theology we knew + Was that we mighn't play on Sunday; + + And all the general truths, that cakes + Were to be bought at half a penny, + And that excruciating aches + Resulted if we ate too many: + + And seeing ignorance is bliss, + And wisdom consequently folly, + The obvious result is this-- + That our two lives were very jolly. + + At last the separation came, + Real love, at that time, was the fashion; + And by a horrid chance, the same + Young thing was, to us both, a passion. + + Old Poser snorted like a horse: + His feet were large, his hands were pimply, + His manner, when excited, coarse:-- + But Miss P. was an angel simply. + + She was a blushing, gushing thing; + All--more than all--my fancy painted; + Once--when she helped me to a wing + Of goose--I thought I should have fainted. + + The people said that she was blue: + But I was green, and loved her dearly. + She was approaching thirty-two; + And I was then eleven, nearly. + + I did not love as others do; + (None ever did that I've heard tell of); + My passion was a byword through + The town she was, of course, the belle of: + + Oh sweet--as to the toilworn man + The far-off sound of rippling river; + As to cadets in Hindostan + The fleeting remnant of their liver-- + + To me was ANNA; dear as gold + That fills the miser's sunless coffers; + As to the spinster, growing old, + The thought--the dream--that she had offers. + + I'd sent her little gifts of fruit; + I'd written lines to her as Venus; + I'd sworn unflinchingly to shoot + The man who dared to come between us: + + And it was you, my Thomas you, + The friend in whom my soul confided, + Who dared to gaze on--to do, + I may say, much the same as I did. + + One night I saw him squeeze her hand; + There was no doubt about the matter; + I said he must resign, or stand + My vengeance--and he chose the latter. + + We met, we "planted" blows on blows: + We fought as long as we were able: + My rival had a bottle-nose, + And both my speaking eyes were sable. + + When the school-bell cut short our strife, + Miss P. gave both of us a plaister; + And in a week became the wife + Of Horace Nibbs, the writing-master. + + * * * * * + + I loved her then--I'd love her still, + Only one must not love Another's: + But thou and I, my Tommy, will, + When we again meet, meet as brothers. + + It may be that in age one seeks + Peace only: that the blood is brisker + In boys' veins, than in theirs whose cheeks + Are partially obscured by whisker; + + Or that the growing ages steal + The memories of past wrongs from us. + But this is certain--that I feel + Most friendly unto thee, oh Thomas! + + And whereso'er we meet again, + On this or that side the equator, + If I've not turned teetotaller then, + And have wherewith to pay the waiter, + + To thee I'll drain the modest cup, + Ignite with thee the mild Havannah; + And we will waft, while liquoring up, + Forgiveness to the heartless ANNA. + + (_By permission of_ MRS. CALVERLEY.) + + + + +KING BIBBS. + +JAMES ALBERY. + + +"It's all through that Liberal Government." + +These were the words uttered by King Bibbs as he stood in the rain +without an umbrella; and it was not the first time he had uttered them. + +Think of it! There stood King Bibbs in the rain without an umbrella. + +Once upon a time King Bibbs had a beautiful palace; but there came a +Liberal Government, and they promised the nation economy. + +Their policy was to save and censure, to cut down everything they did +pay for, and to cut up everything they did not. + +They contracted that every soldier in the army should have one nail less +in his boots, and they blamed the last Government for not having +soldiers who required no boots at all. They arranged that the royal +charwomen should clean the floors of the Government offices with soap +without sand or with sand without soap; and they censured the late +Government for having floors that wanted any cleaning. They cut down the +amount and the quality of the cheese required for the royal mousetraps, +and they pointed out to a plundered people that the last Government were +entirely to blame for there being any mice. They voted that the royal +weather-cock on the national stable should be re-gilt only once in six +years, instead of once in five, and they made it clear, at least to +their own party, that it was entirely owing to the tactics of the late +Government that weather-cocks were required at all; and it must be +admitted that upon this point the late Government were a little bit with +them. + +It was a _fine time_, and the nation that King Bibbs reigned over might +well feel proud. + +They did. + +But you know that if you keep the stove going by what you can spare from +your household furniture, the time will come when you will be a little +at a loss for firewood. + +What would you do? You cannot part with the comfortable chair you sit +in, and your friends must have their little places; so very likely, if +you had no respect for time-honoured things, you would break up some +grand old cabinet that your forefathers loved, but that to you appeared +useless, and so you'd keep the stove going. And as long as the fire +lasted, you and your friends would be warm and snug in your places. + +That's just what our Government did--not ours, of course--but the one I +am talking of. + +They turned their eyes on the king's palace, and they said the nation +cannot be saddled with this expense. + +They had already saved the nation about a farthing per head per annum, +and this new sacrifice would save about an eighth as much more. But you +must understand that every man looked at the amount saved in the lump; +he never thought of the farthing that was put in his pocket in return +for the time he wasted in attending public meetings, but had a vague +idea that the golden thousands talked of were in some remote way his +rescued property. + +What a splendid show of justice, wasn't it now, when bills were +plastered all over King Bibbs's palace, to say those desirable premises +would be sold by public auction on such a date? + +It touched the people to the core; they gave up half a day to flock +round the palace, and read the bills; they lost another half-day's work +to see the palace sold; they spent a day's wages to get drunk to +celebrate this crowning stroke of economy, and in their wild delight at +the justice done them, they quite forgot to bank the one-eighth of a +farthing which the generous Government had put into their pockets. + +How common it is to say, we go from bad to worse, and on that principle +I suppose it was that this Liberal Government went from good to better. + +If it was good that the poor king should give up his palace and live +like a private gentleman, would it not be better that he should go a +grade lower, and live like a retired tradesman? + +The odd fact was, that the more they stripped poor King Bibbs of the +sacred paraphernalia that once adorned his life, the more useless he +appeared in the eyes of his subjects; and he was cut down from a palace +to a mansion, and from a mansion to a villa; from having one hundred +horses to ten; and from ten to none. And so it was that King Bibbs came +to be walking in the rain without an umbrella; and so it was, as he +reflected on the past he exclaimed,-- + +"It's all through that Liberal Government." + +His most gracious Majesty had been to the reading-rooms to look at the +morning papers, and see what his Government were doing. It may seem +wrong that he should thus waste a penny; but remember, it was his duty +to see how his people were getting on. As he left the rooms there was a +quiet, sad smile on the king's face. + +"Ah," he muttered, "my prime minister is very clever, but he is all +ambition and vanity; he tries to sail the ship with nothing but flags. I +do wish he would take in the bunting and put out some canvas, so that we +might have a little real progress instead of so much show." + +At this time he was just turning the corner of Daisy Road on his way +home, when suddenly it began to rain. + +"Bless me," said his Majesty, "it's going to pour, and I've forgotten my +umbrella, I shall have my crown quite spoilt. Dear! dear! dear!" + +The rain fell faster, and the poor king had yet two miles to go. His +ermine was getting quite damp. + +"What am I to do?" he exclaimed. "I shall be wet through. Dear! dear! I +shall be obliged to take a cab." + +The king looked along the road, and saw one coming. "Hi! hi!" shouted +his most gracious Majesty, and he waved his sceptre till it almost flew +out of his hand. + +"Going home to change," said the cabman, with a careless air. + +"Don't you know I'm the king?" said poor Bibbs. + +"Oh, yes, you're know'd well enough," sneered the cabman; "give my love +to the old woman." + +"There, there!" said the poor monarch, appealing plaintively to the +empty street; "there, that comes of having a Liberal Government; as soon +as I get a change I'll be a despot." + +You see the true royal spirit in him was not quite crushed. + +The rain fell faster, and King Bibbs took off his crown and was looking +at the great wet spots on the red cotton velvet when a loud voice +exclaimed:--"Does your most gracious Majesty want a cab?" + +The king was about to enter the cab without a word, when a ragged boy +officiously stood by the wheel. + +"What do you want?" said the boy's sovereign. + +"To keep your most gracious Majesty's royal robe from touching the +wheel," said the boy. + +"I can do it myself," said the king, in quite an angry tone. + +Now in the ordinary way a monarch would look upon such an attention as +simply his due, but he knew this ragged young subject was looking for +patronage; he wanted a copper, and the king felt he could not afford it. +All who have studied the workings of the human heart know how we conceal +our motives even from ourselves. To look at King Bibbs you would have +thought he simply resented the boy's officiousness. He tried to persuade +himself so, but the underlying feeling was his annoyance at not having a +copper to spare. How he would have blushed if any of the Great Powers of +Europe could have seen him at that moment! + +"Go to the devil," said the king to his subject. "Go away! go away!" + +"Blow'd if I pay my income tax next week!" said the young traitor as he +made a very wicked face at the back of the cab. + +"That's a bad boy," muttered Bibbs, as the cab drove off. + +Now Bibbs, like many another proud spirit, had enjoyed the noble +pleasure of refusing, which is only felt when you have full power to +comply. When you are forced to refuse through weakness, it is very +galling to a monarch, or even to one of us. + +"A d--d bad boy!" he exclaimed, and as if the truth would out in spite +of him he muttered: "It's all thro' that Liberal Government." + +The house to which King Bibbs had directed the cabman to drive him, was +what is now called a villa. It was one of a row, and was certainly not +at all suggestive of a palace. Still it had a nice breakfast-parlour +underground, and a handsome little drawing-room, with folding doors, +upstairs. The rent was low, and the neighbourhood was considered, by +those who lived there, fashionable. + +At first poor Bibbs was treated with some respect, but after a time he +fell into contempt, for kings, like other people, must keep their +places. + +On arriving at his house the king stepped from the cab and took out his +purse. It would have done any Liberal Government good to see a +constitutional monarch like Bibbs rubbing the edges of certain light +coins to see if they were threepennies or fourpennies. But it would not +have done any one good to see the look on the cabman's face as he +received his fare. The king turned to go indoors. + +"Here, hi!" shouted the cabman. + +"What's the matter?" asked the king. + +"What's the matter? As if your most gracious Majesty did not know! I +want another sixpence." + +"You've got your fare," said the king. + +"Got my fare!" retorted the cabman; "you're a pretty gracious Majesty, +you are. You go about rolling in luxury and wealth out of the hard +earnings of sich as me, and that's the way you use the money. Bah! The +sooner you're done away with altogether the better. What good are you? +Why you ain't worth the crown on your head." + +The cabman drove away to swear, and the king paused to reflect. It took +the king some time to calculate, but he found he cost that cabman, at +his present rate of expenditure--he cost that cabman about an eighth of +a farthing every ten years. + +The king's lips moved, though he breathed no word; but any one who had +watched the kind mouth would have seen that he was muttering something +about that Liberal Government. + +He took out his latch-key and let himself in; he paused in the passage, +gently wiped his crown on the sleeve of his robe, and hung it on a +hat-peg, and, placing his sceptre in the stand beside his forgotten +umbrella--forgetfulness that had cost him a shilling--walked slowly into +the parlour. + +He sat down to meditate. You have only to read your Shakespeare to know +this is the way of kings. He soliloquised somewhat in this fashion: + +"It's quite clear the cheaper I get the more useless I appear. While I +was surrounded with pomp, the people ran after and applauded me; now I +get abused by a low cabman. I was like a grand ruin: while the columns +stand, and the broken entablatures lie about in picturesque profusion, +it is visited, made pictures of, and admired. But take away the old +adornments, clear away the ground, and leave only a little pile of +useless earth to mark the spot, and Admiration and Wonder, as they turn +their backs on it, will soon find Respect at their heels--I see my +fate." + +The king grew reckless, and ordered an egg for his tea. + +You have only to read your poets, and you will see that these sudden +desperate acts foreshadow impending doom. + +At the moment that Bibbs was wiping a small spot of egg from his beard, +his ministers were holding a cabinet council to determine what should be +their next move to keep up their popularity. + +There was nothing to cut down but the places of themselves and their +friends and relations. That was out of the question. The labourer is +worthy of his hire, and they had laboured hard to get into their present +position. + +How would it be if they determined that the king should no longer +receive any help from the State, but earn his own living? A little hard +work would be good for the king's constitution. + +The idea was a popular one. It was carried out. But poor King Bibbs was +too old to work, so it occurred to one of the ministers, who knew a City +gentleman who had an ugly daughter that he wanted to marry to a person +of rank, that by his influence the poor king might be got into an +almshouse. + +After some difficulty it was done, and his most gracious Majesty found +himself in possession of two small rooms and ten shillings a week. + +Any reasonable old monarch, you would think, might have been very +comfortable under these circumstances, but wherever he turned he met +unfriendly glances. People said almshouses were meant for industrious +but unfortunate tradesmen and their wives, and not for bloated old +emperors and kings. Here was a monarch not only grinding them down with +taxation, but actually taking from them the just reward of virtuous old +age. + +At last it happened that a shopkeeper died insolvent, and his aged widow +was destitute. There was nothing for it but to put her on the parish, +which would be an expense, or get her into an almshouse. + +The matter touched the pockets of the parishioners, and you may be +pretty sure that soon a fine clamour was raised. What had the king done +to deserve charity? Nothing. Meetings were held, bundles of letters were +sent to the newspapers, and at last the influential City gentleman, who +meant to stand for the borough at the next election, was forced to turn +out King Bibbs or lose his popularity. + +The influential gentleman assured his most gracious Majesty that he +turned him out with great reluctance. + +What was to be done now? It was pretty clear that the king must go on +the parish. But what parish? + +It mattered not where he had lived, he had never paid his rates, and not +a parish would have him. Vestries met and discussed the matter. It was +referred to committees, minutes were brought up and referred back again; +meantime poor Bibbs, who would not go in as a casual, was left, like old +Lear, to perish. + +It is true that on the first night an old Chartist, who was once +imprisoned for treason, took pity on him, and gave him a bed, but when +the king found out who his benefactor was, his old pride arose within +him, and he turned away. + +His most gracious Majesty might have been seen feeling with his +thumb-nail the edge of his last coin. It was smooth; King Bibbs had but +threepence in the world. + +At this moment he saw some men with advertising boards on their backs. +He looked at them; they were old and feeble. Ah! thought the king, I +think I am strong enough to carry boards. He went up to one of the men, +and asked him most respectfully where he got his employment. + +The man turned round and sneered out,-- + +"Oh, you want to rob _us_ now, do you? You want to take the crust out of +our mouths. You ain't content with grinding _us_ poor working men down +with taxes--you ain't content with having every luxury down to +almhouses, but you must interfere with _us_. If I catch your most +gracious Majesty with _half_ a board on your back, I'll just smash you. +There!" + +It will be observed that the people had lost nothing of the outward show +of respect, and always addressed the king in the proper way. + +Poor Bibbs bought a penny biscuit, and with the remaining twopence a +piece of card and a bit of string. He wrote on the card, + + "PRAY PITY A POOR CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCH." + +And with his crown in his hand to get whatever charity would give, he +went into the bitter world to beg his way down to the grave. + + * * * * * + +Things went on merrily with the ministry for years. They filled all the +old places and invented new. They put the king's head on the coin, and +put the coin in their pockets. + +But one fine day a certain Eastern despot with whom they had been +intriguing, thought it a politic thing to pay King Bibbs a visit IN +STATE. Here was a pretty kettle of fish! What were they to do for a +king? + +It would never do to tell the Eastern despot they didn't know where +their king was, and they did not care; he would have broken with them at +once. + +They sent in all directions to inquire for the king, but he was not to +be found. + +They then tried an advertisement:-- + + IF THIS SHOULD MEET THE EYE OF KING BIBBS, + he is requested to return to his disconsolate ministers, and + all shall be forgiven. + +But poor Bibbs had not seen a newspaper for years, and his ministers +were left disconsolate. + +Then appeared another advertisement:-- + + LOST, A KING ANSWERING TO THE NAME OF BIBBS. + If any one will take him to the Treasury he will be _liberally_ + rewarded. + +Now it so happened that a quiet man of business, as he was passing along +a country highway, saw a poor old half crazy man eating a few dry +crusts. By his side was a bent sceptre, and on his head an old and +battered crown, while his robe of royal purple was torn and soiled, and +the ermine on it worn nearly bare and black. + +As the stranger approached him, the old man took off his crown, and in a +feeble voice said, "Pray pity a poor constitutional monarch." + +The stranger looked in his face and exclaimed, "Good heaven, poor soul, +what has brought you to this?" + +The old man brushed a tear away from his sunken eye, and muttered-- + +"It was all through that Liberal Government!" + + * * * * * + +A week after a great city was all aglare with flags, and ablare with +trumpets. The streets were lined with people, and a procession passed, +at the head of which was a grand carriage drawn by eight horses. In the +carriage sat a feeble old man in a splendid robe, and with a new crown +that he kept taking off as he bowed to the multitude. At his side was +the splendid Eastern despot, who bowed too, for the people not only said +"Long live King Bibbs!" but they wished the splendid Eastern despot long +life as well. Near the palace gates as they returned, the king left off +bowing, and some were shocked at his pride and some at his pallor. + +A few days after there was a grand and solemn procession. + +And again, a few days after that, a grand and glorious procession. + + * * * * * + +The Government were true to their policy, and the wording of their +advertisement. The stranger who had found King Bibbs, after wasting +years in applications, received a note to say his affair was under +consideration. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +MOLLY MULDOON. + +ANONYMOUS. + + + Molly Muldoon was an Irish girl, + And as fine a one + As you'd look upon + In the cot of a peasant or hall of an earl. + Her teeth were white, though not of pearl,-- + And dark was her hair, but it did not curl; + Yet few who gazed on her teeth and her hair, + But owned that a power of beauty was there. + Now many a hearty and rattling gorsoon + Whose fancy had charmed his heart into tune, + Would dare to approach fair Molly Muldoon, + But for _that_ in her eye + Which made most of them shy + And look quite ashamed, though they couldn't tell why-- + Her eyes were large, dark blue, and clear, + And _heart_ and _mind_ seemed in them blended. + If _intellect_ sent you one look severe + _Love_ instantly leapt in the next to mend it-- + Hers was the eye to check the rude, + And hers the eye to stir emotion, + To keep the sense and soul subdued + And calm desire into devotion. + + There was Jemmy O'Hare, + As fine a boy as you'd see in a fair, + And wherever Molly was he was there. + His face was round and his build was square, + And he sported as rare + And tight a pair + Of legs, to be sure, as are found anywhere. + And Jemmy would wear + His _caubeen_ and hair + With such a peculiar and rollicking air, + That I'd venture to swear + Not a girl in Kildare + Nor Victoria's self, if she chanced to be there, + Could resist his wild way--called "Devil-may-care." + Not a boy in the parish could match him for fun, + Nor wrestle, nor leap, nor hurl, nor run + With Jemmy--No gorsoon could equal him--None, + At wake, or at wedding, at feast or at fight, + At throwing the sledge with such dext'rous sleight,-- + He was the envy of men, and the women's delight. + + Now Molly Muldoon liked Jemmy O'Hare, + And in troth Jemmy loved in his heart Miss Muldoon. + I believe in my conscience a purtier pair + Never danced in a tent at a pattern in June,-- + To a bagpipe or fiddle + On the rough cabin door + That is placed in the middle-- + Ye may talk as ye will + There's a grace in the limbs of the peasantry there + With which people of quality couldn't compare; + And Molly and Jemmy were counted the two + That would keep up the longest and go the best through + All the jigs and the reels + That have occupied heels + Since the days of the Murtaghs and Brian Boru. + + It was on a long bright sunny day + They sat on a green knoll side by side, + But neither just then had much to say; + Their hearts were so full that they only tried + To do anything foolish, just to hide + What both of them felt, but what Molly denied. + They plucked the speckled daisies that grew + Close by their arms,--then tore them too; + And the bright little leaves that they broke from the stalk + They threw at each other for want of talk; + While the heart-lit look and the sunny smile + Reflected pure souls without art or guile, + And every time Molly sighed or smiled, + Jem felt himself grow as soft as a child; + And he fancied the sky never looked so bright, + The grass so green, the daisies so white; + Everything looked so gay in his sight + That gladly he'd linger to watch them till night,-- + And Molly herself thought each little bird + Whose warbling notes her calm soul stirred,-- + Sang only his lay but by her to be heard. + + An Irish courtship's short and sweet, + It's sometimes foolish and indiscreet; + But who is wise when his young heart's heat + Whips the pulse to a galloping beat-- + Ties up his judgment neck and feet + And makes him the slave of a blind conceit? + Sneer not, therefore, at the loves of the poor, + Though their manners be rude their affections are pure; + They look not by art, and they love not by rule, + For their souls are not tempered in fashion's cold school. + Oh! give me the love that endures no control + But the delicate instinct that springs from the soul, + As the mountain stream gushes its freshness and force, + Yet obedient, wherever it flows to its source. + Yes, give me that but Nature has taught, + By rank unallured and by riches unbought; + Whose very simplicity keeps it secure-- + The love that illumines the heart of the poor. + + All blushful was Molly, or shy at least + As one week before Lent + Jem procured her consent + To go the next Sunday and spake to the priest, + Shrove-Tuesday was named for the wedding to be, + And it dawned as bright as they'd wish to see. + And Jemmy was up at the day's first peep + For the live-long night, no wink could he sleep; + A bran-new coat, with a bright big button, + He took from a chest, and carefully put on-- + And brogues as well _lampblacked_ as ever went foot on + Were greased with the fat of _a quare sort of mutton_! + Then a tidier _gorsoon_ couldn't be seen + Treading the Emerald sod so green-- + Light was his step and bright was his eye + As he walked through the _slobbery_ streets of Athy. + And each girl he passed, bid "God bless him," and sighed, + While she wished in her heart that herself was the bride. + + Hush! here's the Priest--let not the least + Whisper be heard till the father has ceased. + "Come, bridegroom and bride, + That the knot may be tied + Which no power upon earth can hereafter divide." + Up rose the bride, and the bridegroom too, + And a passage was made for them both to walk through! + And his Rev'rence stood with a sanctified face, + Which spread its infection around the place. + The bridesmaid bustled and whispered the bride, + Who felt so confused that she almost cried, + But at last bore up and walked forward, where + The Father was standing with solemn air; + The bridegroom was following after with pride, + _When his piercing eye something awful espied_! + He stooped and sighed, + Looked round and tried + To tell what he saw, but his tongue denied: + With a spring and a roar, + He jumped to the door, + AND THE BRIDE LAID HER EYES ON THE BRIDEGROOM NO MORE! + + Some years sped on + Yet heard no one + Of Jemmy O'Hare, or where he had gone. + But since the night of that widowed feast, + The strength of poor Molly had ever decreased; + Till, at length, from earth's sorrow her soul released, + Fled up to be ranked with the saints at least. + + And the morning poor Molly to live had ceased, + Just five years after the widowed feast, + An American letter was brought to the priest, + Telling of Jemmy O'Hare deceased! + Who ere his death, + With his latest breath, + To a spiritual father unburdened his breast + And the cause of his sudden departure confest,-- + "Oh! Father," says he, "I've not long to live, + So I'll freely confess, and hope you'll forgive-- + That same Molly Muldoon, sure I loved her indeed; + Ay, as well, as the Creed + That was never forsaken by one of my breed; + But I couldn't have married her after I saw"-- + "Saw what?" cried the Father desirous to hear-- + And the chair that he sat in unconsciously rocking-- + "Not in her 'karącter,' yer Rev'rince, a flaw"-- + The sick man here dropped a significant tear + And died as he whispered in the clergyman's ear-- + "But I saw, God forgive her, A HOLE IN HER STOCKING!" + + + + +THE HARMONIOUS LOBSTERS. + +ROBERT REECE. + + +It has always appeared to me as a remarkable fact that the practice of +Music does not promote amongst its devotees the harmony which is its own +very gist and soul. The "concord of sweet sounds" is not reflected in +the good fellowship and friendly cohesion of musicians; and the +spiritualising power of the divine art seems too often to evaporate with +the notes produced, and leave with its professors the hard _residuum_ of +an exact science and a mechanical art. + +The rivalry and jealousy so noticeable amongst musical people is +peculiar to them; and, though you may with impunity neglect to demand +from the actors, poets, painters, sculptors, preachers, physicians, +surgeons, or lawyers an exhibition of their skill in their respective +arts, you will make a foe for life if you omit to ask the musician to +perform. + +We all know the "musical people" at parties; how cordially we welcome +the production of that fatal waterproof roll, with its diabolical +contents of "pieces" and "ballads;" how enthusiastically we press Jones +to "give us another song," and how cheerfully and promptly (I might +almost say "hastily") Jones obliges us. It is of no use suggesting to +Miss Robinson that you "are afraid you are taxing her too far." Miss +Robinson has another ballad, or another "piece"--"Tricklings at Eve," or +"Wobblings at Noon," ready for you. + +I have belonged to several musical clubs in my time, and know something +of my subject, especially the amateur section of it. I once officiated +at a professional gathering to the great hurt of a very kind man. I was +invited by a genial music publisher to join a "professional dinner" +which he gave yearly to the principal musicians, his very good friends. +The profession mustered very strongly, and did ample justice to +excellent fare; on our repairing to the drawing-room, I expected, of +course, to be entertained with some really good music, but I found that +no one would "start the ball." + +In the full glare of professional eyes I opened the piano and the +proceedings myself. Before I had played forty bars every "professional" +was making for the instrument. I concluded. I had "started the ball," or +rather a musical "boomerang," which was to return viciously upon me and +my host. + +Every man present held the pianoforte in turn, and at half-past two in +the morning (_I_ had commenced at ten in the evening), there were still +some unwearied musicians insisting on playing their own compositions to +unappreciative audiences of rival professors. Perhaps they are still +playing. I never did any business with that music publisher again. + +Years ago I belonged to an amateur musical society which had its being +in a fashionable suburb, and was known by the felicitous title, "The +Harmonious Lobsters." To account for this name I may state that the +society owed its origin to certain jovial meetings held at a friend's +chambers, where these succulent _crustacea_ were discussed (to soft +music) at supper, twice a month. As the club grew, the suppers deceased; +and, as the society became important and pretentious, so the original +joviality evaporated. + +"The Harmonious Lobsters" were as pleasant amongst themselves as the +genuine uncooked articles are in a fishmonger's basket. Every member +struggled to be "top-sawyer;" every artist, down to the little doctor +who played the triangle regarded himself as the mainstay, sole prop, and +presiding genius of the society. + +We mustered a small orchestra, consisting of two flutes, two cornets, +two violins, one viola, one violoncello, a drum, a clarionet, and the +triangle above mentioned. + +The performances of this "limited band" were more remarkable for their +force than their precision; and a want of "tone" and completeness was +the result of an endeavour on the part of each performer to make the +instrument he played specially conspicuous. It didn't matter so much +with the flutes, violins, and clarionet; but the two cornets were a +serious nuisance. + +Gasper and Puffin (both "first" cornets, of course!) were deadly rivals, +implacable foes. Each aspired to be the ruler of the club, each regarded +himself as _the_ performer _par excellence_. The flutes were not +friendly, and the violoncello was crabbed and unpleasant, but those +cornets were insufferable. + +We all felt that a crisis was at hand, and we all devoutly wished it; +for while Puffin and Gasper asserted themselves, we others were, to a +defined extent, hiding our light under a bushel. + +The catastrophe was foreshadowed by a stormy meeting convened to arrange +the programme of our fourth and last annual concert. + +"Of course," premised the First Violin, who was also Secretary and +Librarian, "we have all a solo!" + +There was no doubt of _that_, except as regarded the "doubles," viz., +the two flutes and the two cornets. The first couple had so far +coalesced as to submit to the prowess being displayed in a duet, which +was destined to be less flute than elaborate flatulence. + +"Let's begin at the beginning," said Gasper. "No. 1: that's an overture +for _tutti_; say, 'The Caliph of Bagdad.'" + +"_I_ don't mind," responded the Secretary. "It's easy enough, and +there's lots of show for the violins." + +"The question now arises," jerked in Puffin, "who is to be the _first_ +soloist? _I_ won't." + +"Nor likely to be," sneered Gasper. + +"I understand your narrow-mindedness, Gasper," retorted Puffin; "but I +shall choose my own place and my own solo." + +"So shall _I_," announced Gasper; "go on." + +The Secretary proceeded. + +"Shall we say: SOLO (_Clarionet_)--Mr. R. Lipsey." + +"Anything for a quiet life," said Lipsey. "_I_'m not afraid." + +So it went on for four more items, when it became obvious that the "best +place," in the first part of the programme was open to competition. + +"_My_ solo," said Gasper, "comes in here." + +"Thank you," replied Puffin; "I claim it myself." + +"_Do_ you?" grinned Gasper; "I stick to this point." + +"So do _I_," said the undaunted Puffin. + +"No, but really, you know," argued the Secretary, "it must be settled: +let _me_ cut the knot. _I_'ll play _my_ solo here." + +A howl of opposition now arose. Every performer, exclusive of the Drum +and the Triangle, had decided to "go in" for the "show place" in the +programme. + +"I leave the Society if I do not play my solo here," said Gasper. "I +have no more to say!" and he sat down. + +"So do _I_," echoed Puffin, "and get on with 'The Caliph' if you can +without a second cornet." + +This was clinching matters with a vengeance. + +"Look here," interposed the Doctor. "_I_ don't play a solo, so I speak +impartially, I hope. Let Gasper play his solo in _this_ part, and Puffin +_his_ solo in the best place of the _second_ part of the programme. +That'll settle it." + +There was a tumult immediately; everybody seemed to be multiplied by +ten. + +"Don't be a fool," whispered the Doctor to Gasper. "Stick to your right +place in the first part; all the swells look for _that_. They'll be gone +before Puffin gets _his_ turn." + +Gasper was quiet in a moment. + +The Doctor, winking at me, got hold of the stony but still excited +Puffin. + +"Let him have his blessed solo _early_, my boy," said the Triangle. "The +big people won't have taken their seats by then. You'll have it all your +own way." + +To this day I believe the Doctor had a professional impulse in this +advice. + +During a lull Puffin spoke. + +"_Let_ Mr. Gasper have his solo in the first part. I flatter myself I +can face the inferior position without any fear." + +"You are _so_ modest," retorted the delighted Gasper. "Put it down, +Basscleff. SOLO (_Cornet_) 'The Wind from the Sea,' _Vulvini_--George +Gasper, Esq." + +"That's _my_ solo," shouted Puffin; "and I'll play it!" + + * * * * * + +Spare me the recital of the ensuing scene. + +"Listen to _me_," said the Triangle, maliciously. "We must come to hard +facts, I plainly see. The truth is, the difference between Mr. Gasper +and Mr. Puffin (both admirable performers) has assumed the aspect of +direct rivalry; I may go so far as to say, antagonism. Laudable, so far +as art is concerned; lamentable for the ill-feeling promoted. I suggest +that, for the setting at rest of the unfortunate dispute, and the better +spirit of the Society, it be arranged that the two gentlemen _do_ play +the same solo at the same concert." + +Loud shouts, of varied sentiment, followed this daring speech. + +"A moment, please," cried the Doctor; "as Treasurer of this Musical +Society I may state that our financial condition is not so satisfactory +as it might be: if this competition gets wind--I mean, of course, if +people get to know of it, we shall have an enormous house." + +After some disputing, it was agreed that there was cogency in the +Doctor's suggestion. + +Other members were appeased with situations in the programme more or +less prominent, but when the twenty-four items had been satisfactorily +arranged, and the club separated, the general feeling was that the +interest of the concert, and the stake at issue, were the competitive +performances of Messrs. Puffin and Gasper. + +The evening of the concert arrived: so did Doctor Martel at my rooms: +the little man was suffused with delight. + +"My dear fellow!" he chuckled, "it'll be the funniest thing you ever +saw. I've been running to and fro all the week. Now to Gasper, now to +Puffin. 'You should hear Puffin phrase that passage about the 'wind +moaning,' said I to Gasper, 'it's tiptop,' and Gasper grinds his teeth. +Then I go to Puffin and say, 'Gasper's devoting himself to making a hit, +old man; the way he imitates the surge of the wave in the passage 'The +wild wave answers the winds,' will 'fetch' them, and no mistake!' and +Puffin turns pale." + +"What does it all portend?" asked I. + +"Wait and see, my lad," said the sly Doctor. "Wait and see." + + * * * * * + +Eight o'clock! and I meet Puffin as I enter the "Artists' Room." I play +the _violino secondo_. I am nobody. + +"Well," say I, "how do you feel?" + +"Never mind," says the astute Puffin; "I bide my time! _Only_ (mark my +words), Gasper won't score as heavily as he expects." With these dark +words he vanishes. + +The next moment I am face to face with Gasper. + +"How do you feel?" I ask of _him_. + +"Don't worry about _me_," replies Gasper. "I'm not afraid that Puffin +will cover himself with glory, after all." And Gasper retires. + +We had a wonderful "house" that night. The "competition" _had_ been +noised abroad, and the wily doctor's surmises were fulfilled. There was +a Puffin and a Gasper faction ready to do battle for its respective +champion when the clarion of defiance rang out from the platform. + +I pass the overture, a solo on the clarionet, which reduced the pug-nose +of Lipsey to a severe aquiline during its performance; a flute and +violin _duo_, and etc. The time had come for "The Wind from the Sea" +(_George Gasper Esq._). The favourite performer was hailed with shouts +of delight. The Puffin faction smiled silently. + +The opening bars of the symphony were played by the pianist. + +Gasper advanced with a half-restrained smile of self-satisfaction, and +after some singular contortions of his lips began to play the _scena_ +for the cornet. + +But no sound followed his laboured effort! Again, and again, red in the +face, and furious, he essayed to produce a note from his silver +instrument. It was dumb! + +Not so the Puffin section of the audience; the titter soon became a +laugh, the laugh a shout, and finally with a stamp, and a diabolical +expression, Mr Gasper gave up the game, and retreated amidst a howl of +displeasure. + +Meanwhile where was Puffin? Never mind. + +Slowly went on the programme, till the item for which Mr. Puffin was +"set down" arrived in its place. + +More sensation in the audience. Puffin section cock-a-hoop. Similar +symphony on the part of the pianist, and the placid Puffin, a foregone +victory shaping his lips into a half-concealed smile, put his cornet to +his mouth, and---- + +Well! while the audience was fighting its way out, half hysterical with +laughter (for the performance of Mr. Puffin had only reproduced Mr. +Gasper's failure), I was the unwilling witness of a "set-to" between the +rival cornet-players, who, having discovered that each had, +respectively, placed a cork up the principal tube of his opponent's +instrument, so far agreed, as to differ as to the justice of the +process. From the appearance of their upper lips, I am sure no solos +were to be apprehended for weeks to come. But, before our next club +meeting, Messrs. Gasper and Puffin had retired. + +I don't belong to any musical clubs now. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +THE PROVINCIAL LANDLADY. + +H. CHANCE NEWTON. + + + Oh, dear Mister Editor, sir, if you please, they say you're a kind and + humanious gent, sir, + Which listens attentive to troubles and woes sech as worry an + 'ard-working woman like me; + I'm worrited dreadful from morning to night with working and toilin' + and sech,--which the rent, sir, + Is not always quite so forthcoming as I, with my fam'ly, would wish + it to be! + + Which I keeps a big house in the square, sir, not five minits' walk + from the R'yal Theaytre, + Jest oppersit Muggins's Music-hall, sir, which its "public" is known + as the "Linnet and Lamb"-- + But I am a lamb, sir, to stand it as I do, a-working away up till + midnight, or later, + For a lot of purfessional folks, which the best of the bunch, sir, is + nothing but sham! + + From them music-hall people as lodges with me is a set which I'm sure, + sir, is simply outragious, + A-rushin' all over the house when I've scrubbed it and cleaned it jest + like a new pin;-- + And as for them second-floor folks (which is niggers) believe me their + conduct is something rampagious, + A-larkin' all over the landing, a-spoilin' the paper,--it's really a sin! + + And the party wot sings comic songs, sir, goes in and out shouting + whenever he pleases, + And the next floor (the serio-comic)--well, there, she's a stuck-up, + impertinent miss, + Which the last ones as had them apartments wos folks as performed on + the "flyin' trapeeses," + And went away two pun' thirteen in my debt, and I've never beheld 'em + from that day to this. + + Than there's that ventrillikist party, as imitates different voices, + and that, sir,-- + He frightens me out of my wits, which I'm sure as I haven't too many + to spare; + And as for that Muggins's chairman, I frequently finds him asleep on + the mat, sir, + Which I characterises behaviour like that as werry disgraceful and + shocking--so there! + + Then the Sisters Mac-Jones (them duettists) comes bouncin' all over + the place, quite disdainful, + A fault-findin' day after day, sir, dressed up in their fal-de-rals, + looking like guys; + And the party that sings sentimental goes on in a way as to me, sir, + is painful, + He smokes a long pipe in the garding, which dreadful proceedings I + can't but despise. + + Then a troop which I think is called ackribacks, knocks my best parlour + to rack and to ruin, + A-chucking of summersets over my splendid meeogany tables and chairs; + Why to-day they all stood on their heads in the passage: "Good gracious," + I shouted, "why what are you doin'?" + When they twisted their legs round their necks, sir, made faces, and told + me to toddle downstairs! + + Which I don't wish to make a remark, sir, that might be unpleasant, but + while I was at it + I thought as I'd mention the matters that cause me continual worry and + din, + For if you excuse the expression, I ses, as for lettin' of lodgins',--oh, + drat it! + "_If it wasn't for makin' it out of their board_," sir,--by jingers, I'd + never let lodgins' agin! + + (_From_ "THE PENNY SHOWMAN," _by permission of the Author and_ + MR. SAMUEL FRENCH.) + + + + +MY MATRIMONIAL PREDICAMENT. + +LEOPOLD WAGNER. + + +I dare say a great many men in my situation would think themselves +highly honoured; but, however this may strike others, I fell bound to +confess that I am far from happy. The truth is, I have become so +entangled in the meshes of a really romantic love affair, that I can see +no possible hope of freeing myself. Let me hasten to explain. + +About twelve months ago I engaged myself to a pretty young girl, who, +out of sheer fickleness--it could have been nothing else--jilted me. I +was much cut up at the time, since I had learnt to grow very fond of +her. A little while after, I began to take an interest in another pretty +girl whom I came in contact with almost daily; but, as I had no means of +getting properly introduced to her, I never spoke. By-and-by she +disappeared, and I soon forgot her. Things went on with me in the usual +way until, suddenly growing tired of my lonely existence, I advertised +for "a nice young girl, thoroughly domesticated, able and willing to +make a good-looking young bachelor happy;" adding, "Previous experience +not necessary." In this way I actually found one who answered my +expectations to the letter. We met, took the usual walks; and in the +course of a week or two, I could see she loved me with her whole heart. +The arrangments for our wedding were soon made. I procured the ring and +keeper; then put up the banns. Now the house I live in is peculiarly +situated. When I lie in bed, my head is in Blankshire, while my feet +extend over the boundary-line into Chumpshire. This may appear a slight +matter enough; and yet, I fancy, that if hard times should ever overtake +me, I would have two different parishes to fall back upon. However, I +found it necessary to publish the banns in both parishes; added to which +my _fiancée_, who is, or rather was, a lady's maid, a mile or two away +in another direction, must needs put them up in her own parish also. So +that I ought to reckon myself very much married, when it's all over. But +here comes my predicament. + +I forgot to mention that the girl who jilted me is godmother to my +landlady's new baby. This slight relationship enables my landlady to +take the liberty of corresponding with her; and the other day, as it +transpires, she let slip the news of my approaching marriage. About the +same time, I not only met, but had the pleasure of being introduced to, +the second pretty girl at a concert. She, too, had heard of my marriage; +and presently confessed that she loved me herself; that, in fact, she +would never have left the neighbourhood if I had only once spoken to +her. This put me about considerably; and I heartily wished my wedding +was not so far advanced. Arrived home, I found a letter from the first +girl imploring me to pause before it was too late, and begging my +forgiveness for her past conduct. I took no notice of it; but the next +day brought her over, to stay, invited by my landlady. It was impossible +for me to offer any objection, as I was only a lodger myself. Still, the +girl's manner was convincing. She threw herself into my arms, and begged +I would postpone the ceremony, until she could really prove her devotion +to me. This was rather awkward; for, almost on the instant, all my old +love came back to me again, and I could not let her go. + +The following day I took her about a bit, when I fell in love with her +more than ever. In the afternoon I even went so far as to write to her +mother, asking her to drop over to tea on Sunday afternoon. That night +I also introduced her to the second pretty girl--whom I must now speak +of as Miss No. 3. To my great surprise, the two became fast friends. On +the Sunday morning, when the little godmother heard my banns called out +in church, she fainted right away, and had to be carried outside. For +myself, I felt like listening to my own death-warrant. At tea-time the +mother came over; so she and my landlady soon settled it between +themselves, that the little godmother had the greatest right to me. In +the middle of all this, my _fiancée_ turned up, when a lively scene +ensued. Eventually I left the house with her, to explain matters. But +nothing would satisfy her short of my marrying her, as she had the right +to demand. She swore that if I did not go through with the ceremony, she +would make away with herself. No; she had no intention of bringing up a +breach of promise case, for she loved me too much. Poor girl; I pitied +her from the bottom of my heart, and went straight back to my place to +give the little godmother her _congé_. But when we reached the house, I +found the latter stretched upon the floor in a dead faint; and my +courage completely gave way. I could not make up my mind which of the +two girls I liked the best, so begged for a little time to decide. My +_fiancée_ went into the back parlour to cry, while I, in a frenzy of +distraction, rushed first to one girl, then to the other; and at last +into the open air, full butt against the third girl, who, brokenhearted, +was coming to see me. I thought the best thing I could do would be to go +for a walk and try to console her. I did; but this little walk turned +out so delightful, that I forgot all about the other two girls, and fell +madly in love with _her_! On our way back to my place, we met my +_fiancée_ just leaving. I introduced and saw them both home. When I +reached home myself, Miss. No. 1 had been put to bed; her mother had +gone, while I was left to reflect upon my singular position. In the +morning at breakfast, the girl came to me crying; hanging round my neck, +and telling me how much she loved me. "Don't marry her, marry me!" she +pleaded, as I left the house on business. During the day I redeemed a +promise exacted from me by No. 3 to visit her, when she told me the same +tale. I also received a letter from my _fiancée_, demanding whether or +not I intended to go through the ceremony; failing which she would end +her life by poison. This was very dreadful; I went to see her, and +begged time for consideration. + +The fact is, I could not--nor can I yet--make up my mind which I like +best. I love them all, and am convinced they each love me. Position has +nothing whatever to do with it, for I am only a poor man. Had I money, I +might perhaps square the difficulty with the mothers; but the girls +themselves are above mercenary ideas. I am sure, nay, _positive_ that +they love me for myself alone. They are not even unfriendly disposed +towards each other, which is the most awkward part of the business. If +they would only consent to be locked up in a room together and fight it +out amongst themselves, I might be able to marry whichever one was left +alive. But no such thing. Each swears she will not stand in the others' +way, yet vows suicide if I do not individually marry _her_. The other +morning, because I would not give her a decided "Yes," No. 1 ran out of +the house to drown herself, and I arrived on the scene just in the nick +of time to pull her back at the water's edge, by the bustle. A day or so +afterwards, No. 3 put the same question to me, and noticing my +hesitation, had well-nigh leapt upon the railway metals before I could +prevent her. I didn't see my _fiancée_ that night: but at six o'clock +the next morning, my landlady knocked me up to say that according to a +message left with her late at night Miss No. 2 had poisoned herself. For +an hour or so I was completely stunned; but after that time I dressed +and ran to the house, to find that the whole affair was a hoax. I intend +to be even with the fellow who played it on me, yet. + +This kind of thing has been going on for more than a week, and I feel +worried to death. The latest is that, in addition to No. 1, both the +other girls have taken up their residence with my landlady. I would fly +if I could, but my business compels me to remain on the spot. The three +girls follow me about everywhere. I never have a minute's peace. Though +the greatest of friends, they are at the same time jealous of trusting +each other alone with me, lest I should commit myself to any rash +promise. I suppose I am one of those susceptible fellows who falls in +love with any girl who may encourage him. It must be so. Yet these girls +are every bit as nice as they are loving and _different_. No. 1 is very +young and pretty; my _fiancée_ has a splendid figure, and is thoroughly +domesticated; No. 3 is my counterpart in everything. I love them all, +and can't for the life of me tell which I like the best. Whatever I do, +it will be a case of suicide for two of them, or a couple of breach of +promise actions for me. I ought to have stated before that the mothers +have taken lodgings in the house as well, so that I am in for a nice +thing! I would marry all three if the law allowed me; but though the +girls themselves might not object, yet the prospect of _three_ +mothers-in-law is too much for one man to contemplate. The most sensible +arrangement would be, I think, not to marry anybody, but to go on loving +all three in a perfectly platonic manner until something happened to +make two of them throw the game up. I dare say the girls would be +willing enough--one of them even suggested it herself yesterday; but the +mothers won't hear of such a thing, their purpose being to bring me to +the point at once. I am a great favourite with the mothers too; and +their solicitations that I should marry their respective daughters are +almost as pressing as are those of the girls themselves. Really I am in +a most uncomfortable position. Out of doors, as I walk along followed by +these three young creatures, I am regarded as a noted character, and +the people everywhere whisper, "There goes the young man with his three +wives!" I shouldn't mind this in the least if only the mothers would +pack up their traps and go about their business. But they won't; here +they stick at my very elbow, calmly waiting for me to say whose daughter +I really mean to marry. So long as I refuse to give an answer to all +three, I am safe; but the business is getting just a little bit +tiresome, and I should heartily like to see my way out of it. + +Was there ever anybody in such a predicament before! What shall I do? +What can I do? Is there any charitably-disposed person here who can +advise me? No? Then I am a doomed man, and must meet my fate resignedly. +However, I vow and declare that if by any chance I _should_ get over +this, I'll not repeat the experiment as long as I live. + + (_Copyright of the Author._) + + + + +ETIQUETTE. + +W. S. GILBERT. + + + The _Ballyshannon_ foundered off the coast of Cariboo, + And down in fathoms many went the captain and the crew; + Down went the owners--greedy men whom hope of gain allured: + Oh, dry the starting tear, for they were heavily insured. + + Besides the captain and the mate, the owners and the crew, + The passengers were also drowned excepting only two: + Young PETER GRAY, who tasted teas for BARBER, CROOP, AND CO., + And SOMERS, who from Eastern shores imported indigo. + + These passengers, by reason of their clinging to a mast, + Upon a desert island were eventually cast. + They hunted for their meals, as ALEXANDER SELKIRK used, + But they couldn't chat together--they had not been introduced. + + For PETER GRAY, and SOMERS too, though certainly in trade, + Were properly particular about the friends they made; + And somehow thus they settled it without a word of mouth-- + That GRAY should take the northern half, while SOMERS took the south. + + On PETER'S portion oysters grew--a delicacy rare, + But oysters were a delicacy PETER couldn't bear. + On SOMERS' side was turtle, on the shingle lying thick, + Which SOMERS couldn't eat, because it always made him sick. + + GRAY gnashed his teeth with envy as he saw a mighty store + Of turtle unmolested on his fellow-creature's shore. + The oysters at his feet aside impatiently he shoved, + For turtle and his mother were the only things he loved. + + And SOMERS sighed in sorrow as he settled in the south, + For the thought of PETER'S oysters brought the water to his mouth. + He longed to lay him down upon the shelly bed, and stuff; + He had often eaten oysters, but had never had enough. + + How they wished an introduction to each other they had had + When on board the _Ballyshannon_! And it drove them nearly mad, + To think how very friendly with each other they might get, + If it wasn't for the arbitrary rule of etiquette! + + One day when out hunting for the _mus ridiculus_, + GRAY overheard his fellow-man soliloquising thus: + "I wonder how the playmates of my youth are getting on, + MCCONNELL, S. B. WALTERS, PADDY BYLES, and ROBINSON?" + + These simple words made PETER as delighted as could be, + Old chummies at the Charterhouse were ROBINSON and he! + He walked straight up to SOMERS, then he turned extremely red, + Hesitated, hummed and hawed a bit, then cleared his throat, and said: + + "I beg your pardon--pray forgive me if I seem too bold, + But you have breathed a name I knew familiarly of old. + You spoke aloud of ROBINSON--I happened to be by. + You know him?" "Yes, extremely well." "Allow me, so do I." + + It was enough: they felt they could more pleasantly get on, + For (ah, the magic of the fact!) they each knew ROBINSON! + And MR. SOMERS' turtle was at PETER'S service quite, + And MR. SOMERS punished PETER'S oyster-beds all night. + + They soon became like brothers from community of wrongs: + They wrote each other little odes and sang each other songs; + They told each other anecdotes disparaging their wives; + On several occasions, too, they saved each other's lives. + + They felt quite melancholy when they parted for the night, + And got up in the morning soon as ever it was light; + Each other's pleasant company they reckoned so upon, + And all because it happened that they both knew ROBINSON! + + They lived for many years on that inhospitable shore, + And day by day they learned to love each other more and more. + At last, to their astonishment, on getting up one day, + They saw a frigate anchored in the offing of the bay. + + To PETER an idea occurred, "Suppose we cross the main? + So good an opportunity may not be found again." + And SOMERS thought a minute, then ejaculated, "Done! + I wonder how my business in the City's getting on?" + + "But stay," said MR. PETER: "when in England, as you know, + I earned a living tasting teas for BARBER, CROOP, AND CO., + I may be superseded--my employers think me dead!" + "Then come with me," said SOMERS, "and taste indigo instead." + + But all their plans were scattered in a moment when they found, + The vessel was a convict ship from Portland outward bound; + When a boat came off to fetch them, though they felt it very kind, + To go on board they firmly but respectfully declined. + + As both the happy settlers roared with laughter at the joke, + They recognised a gentlemanly fellow pulling stroke: + 'Twas ROBINSON--a convict, in an unbecoming frock! + Condemned to seven years for misappropriating stock!!! + + They laughed no more, for SOMERS thought he had been rather rash + In knowing one whose friend had misappropriated cash; + And PETER thought a foolish tack he must have gone upon + In making the acquaintance of a friend of ROBINSON. + + At first they didn't quarrel very openly, I've heard; + They nodded when they met, and now and then exchanged a word: + The word grew rare, and rarer still the nodding of the head, + And when they meet each other now, they cut each other dead. + + To allocate the island they agreed by word of mouth, + And PETER takes the north again, and SOMERS takes the south; + And PETER has the oysters, which he hates in layers thick, + And SOMERS has the turtle--turtle always makes him sick. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +A LOST SHEPHERD. + +FRANK BARRETT. + + +Winklehaven was once a very bad place. Roads, trade, +drainage--everything was as bad as it could be. The fishermen were bad, +and beat their wives, and their wives were bad and deserved all the +beating they got, and more. The fish caught there was bad before it went +to market. The very parson was bad, and preached the excisemen to sleep +whilst Red Robert and Black Bill ran their cargo of smuggled bad brandy. + +Families who should have been respectable were not. Parents whipped +their children into rebellion and then cut them off with shillings--bad +ones, of course. Wards defied their guardians, and invariably fell in +love contrary to the arrangements of their seniors. All the young men +ran away with all the eligible young women. + +The natural result was that after a dozen years from the time when +Winklehaven stood at its worst, the population of the town consisted of +infirm old people suffering from remorse, gout, and other afflictions +proceeding from the excesses of youth, and such spinsters as were +rejected by the young rakes of the preceding era. The moral aspect of +the place changed in those years; it was no longer unholy, but, indeed, +the most virtuous of human settlements. + +The fishermen were too old and weak to beat their wives, and their +failing memories could supply them with no oaths suitable to express +their feelings. The wicked parson and the smugglers were no more; there +wasn't a young man in the place, and the ladies who called themselves +young were irreproachable. + +It might strike the unthinking as an extraordinary peculiarity that a +place so very, very good should require a curate in addition to a deaf +rector. Nevertheless such was the case--a curate was wanted, and wanted +very much by the congregation of St. Tickleimpit's--the unblemished +spinsters, who called themselves young. They would have a curate, and +Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., they had. + +Now as the snow falls like a veil of purity over the face of the earth, +only to melt and besmirch it before the lasting season of blossoming +sweetness, so Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., came to Winklehaven and passed +away before it attained to its present buttercup-and-daisy condition of +virtue; and the manner of his going this pen shall tell. + +Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., was a curate of the deepest dye. He had not +so much principle as a bankrupt, and he came to Winklehaven with the +settled purpose of marrying the richest and least objectionable of his +congregation. The difficulties in his way were few. In personal +appearance and demeanour he was so simple and sweet that even the rector +was mistaken and thought him a fool, and what more could a girl of +five-and-forty desire? + +It was not a question which he _could_ marry from amongst the eighteen +or twenty tempting creatures around him, but rather which he should +reject. They surrounded him like a glory wherever he went, waiting for +him at his coming out and never leaving him until his going in. Seldom +less than half-a-dozen spinsters accompanied him; they liked him too +much and each other too little to trust him with one alone. And they +wrote letters to him marked "private," containing the burning thoughts +they dared not express in the presence of their sisters. Each was +tantamount to an offer of marriage; but he was yet undecided in his +selection, and replied to all with touching yet ambiguous texts. At this +time he suffered somewhat from bile, for his most active exercise was +wool-winding, and the ladies buttered his toast on both sides and the +edges. + +But anon there came a man with a black beard and a devil-may-care aspect +to Winklehaven, and took for six months the cottage on the deserted West +Cliff, which had belonged to Black Bill in the bad old times. + +The stranger snubbed the inquisitive tradesman of whom he bought his +groceries; he ordered his bacon by the side, his beer by the barrel, and +his whisky by the largest of stone bottles. He laughed aloud when he +passed in the High Street Mr. Lambe with the three Misses Cockle on one +side of him, and the three Misses Crabbe on the other. The ladies had +not any doubt that he was a bold bad man, and declared one and all that +nothing would tempt them to venture upon that dreadful West Cliff. + +But, sinners being so few, they could not but feel interested in this +man with the black beard and dark eyes, and when he came not to church +on Sunday they implored the rector to visit him. + +The rector said he would not go (and privately swore it, in episcopal +terms, for he hated walking and sinners equally), but he offered the +services of his curate; and the congregation, though it fain would have +spared its pet curate so dangerous a mission, could not refuse to +accept. + +Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., found it difficult to conceal his delight at +the prospect before him, for an excess of ladies and butter was killing +him. He had not enjoyed half an hour's freedom in the open air since his +arrival at Winklehaven; it seemed to him years since he smoked a morning +pipe. His bowels yearned towards beer from the barrel and whiskey from +stone jars. + +That last evening he was ever to spend in his lodgings at Winklehaven he +occupied in preparations for the morrow. He looked up the pipe he had +brought with him but never smoked, and tobacco--dry and dusty, yet +fragrant as hay new mown, and pipe-lights, and a French novel; these he +stuffed into the pockets of his alpaca coat, ingeniously overlaying them +with his pamphlet confuting the doctrines of the Primitive Bedlamites. +In the morning he rose gaily; and when he had parted with his anxious +flock at the foot of the west hill, he ascended the steep path, like a +cherub climbing a cloud, without sense of exertion, and as one who is +resolved to make a day of it. + +A walk of two miles was before him, but he did not hurry himself after +he had lost sight of the spinsters and the church weathercock. He +stopped, took off his collar and band, bared his shirt front to the +breeze, and took a deep inspiration. Then he threw himself on the thymy +grass and tasted liberty. He smoked three pipes; he read two chapters +and a half of the novel, skipping the moral parts; he dropped the book, +turned over on his chest, and with his clerical hat tilted sideways over +his eyes, he watched the distant ships for half an hour; after that he +lay on his back, drew a handkerchief over his eyes and went to sleep. He +slumbered for two blessed hours, and then waking athirst, thought kindly +of the sinner who kept his beer in barrels and whisky in cool stoneware. + +So he pulled himself into Evangelical shape again and stepped out +briskly for the smuggler's cottage, smacking his lips. But, alas, the +cottage door was barred, and there was no trace of the black-bearded +sinner, save a flitch of bacon and the beer barrel which stood in the +most inaccessible of pantries. + +He must wait. Once more he sat upon the short grass, and to beguile the +time, drew out the budget of letters sent by his admiring congregation. +He read them through, one after another, with the view of forming a +comparative estimate of the writer's value, but the difficulty of +selecting one seemed greater than ever. + +The temporal and spiritual worth of each was represented by +_x_. With the chance of facilitating his choice he had recourse +to his pencil, with which he was tolerably skilful, and on the +back of each letter he drew a portrait of its sender. These +spinsters were beyond flattery, so he caricatured them to find +which must certainly be rejected as the worst looking. + +In this amusing occupation the time would have passed unheeded but for +Mr. Lambe's increasing dryness. There was no water to be had, no, nor +wine, and the interior of the young curate's mouth felt like brown paper +to his tongue. It suddenly came to his mind that a dip in the cool sea +would refresh his body, now suffering from external in addition to +internal dryness. For the hour was two, the month July, and the sun +unclouded, and he determined at once to bathe, wondering why he had not +availed himself of this blessing of freedom. Except in a footbath he had +not bathed during the term of his curacy at Winklehaven. How could he, +where there was neither seclusion nor bathing machine? + +The tide was at ebb, and a long stretch of sand lay between the cliff +and the sea; but near the water's edge stood a rock, and thither Mr. +Lambe betook himself. On the cliff side was a little shelf dried by the +sun, and on this he laid his clothes neatly; then with a smile +irradiating his countenance, he slapped his thin legs and ran down into +the bursting waves. Quickly he lost all thought of thirst--of +everything, save the enjoyment of the moment. He swam in every +conceivable position, bent in girlish fashion to meet the coming waves, +and floundered about like a porpoise. + +It was whilst turning over head and heels that he caught sight of that +which, in a moment, sobered him--a petticoat upon the cliff--another, +another! yet others, each with a wearer! They were not a thousand yards +from the cottage on the cliff--those ladies whose outlines he +recognised, even at their remote distance from him. Full well he knew +they had come to look for him. What was he to do? How could he face +them, how avoid? He had thought to dry himself like a raisin in the sun; +that now was impossible. Equally impracticable was it to clothe himself +wet; before he had a sock on he would be observed, for there was no +ledge upon the sea-ward side of the rock, and the flowing waves already +touched its base. + +The only place of concealment was behind the rock, and there he must +stay until the ladies retired. + +He lay in the water, and through a chink in the rock watched his +pursuers; their voices, in high-pitched consultation, reached his ear. + +They examined the cottage on the cliff, and then descended to the rocks +at its base. It was only natural that the ladies should think their +beloved curate murdered. They had not seen him for six hours; and his +destruction at the hands of the black-bearded man was the worst +explanation of his protracted absence that entered their imagination. +This fear had led them to follow in his footsteps; and now, as they +poked their sun-shades in the fissures of the rocks, it was with the +expectation of finding his corpse. + +Mr. Lambe was fervently thankful that the rising tide kept them from his +place of concealment, and watched their movements fixedly, until the +cramp seized his leg; and then, in the limited space of his seclusion, +he exercised his ingenuity to keep the vital heat within him. + +Occasionally he glanced at the shore. When the ladies were fatigued, +they systematically divided their number--one going to search, whilst +the other rested. Hour after hour passed, and every minute brought fresh +cramps and racking pains to the limbs of the sodden curate. He had to +put his lips between his teeth, lest their violent chattering should +proclaim his whereabouts; and he cried like a child when he found his +body assuming the blue tints of an unboiled lobster. + +But still those doting spinsters poked amongst the sea-weed with +unceasing zeal. + +The sun was wearing the horizon, when he heard a scream, and beheld the +second Miss Cockle pointing in the direction of his rock. + +Mr. Lambe was perplexed: it was impossible that his eye, peeping through +the small chink, had been discovered; but a moment later his perplexity +gave place to horror, as he perceived his hat bobbing gaily on the waves +between him and the shore. It was followed by his stockings, and behind +them in procession his waistcoat, coat--everything! all washed away from +the nice little ledge by the rising tide. He had never given his clothes +a thought from the moment he neatly packed them. But had that +consideration entered his mind, it could only have added to his anxiety: +for it would have been impossible to get them from the place where they +lay on the coast-side of the rock without displaying himself. Heedless +of their boots, the ladies hooked at the oncoming vestments with their +sunshades; and, now, one has his collar, another his dear hat, and a +third his blessed braces, whilst their cries of woe echo along the +coast. + +When his coat was fished out, what could be expected, but that the +ladies all should dash at his pockets with a view to gratifying their +curiosity, and rescuing the letters which betrayed their most private +feelings. + +With groans, Mr. Lambe beheld his pipe and tobacco brought forth, amidst +cries of astonishment, then the French novel; and, finally, the bundle +of letters. He could not bear to see the result, when each, seizing the +letter in her own handwriting, should find her caricature thereon; and +dropping his head, he beat it with his fist--partly in frenzy, partly to +promote the circulation of his stagnating blood. + + * * * * * + +The black-bearded man returned to the cottage as the ladies, carrying +the only remains they could find of their curate, were leaving his +vicinity. He was not displeased that he was later than usual in +returning; for although he loved the beautiful, he did not like the +ladies of Winklehaven. + +He lived by painting pictures, this pariah of the West Cliff; +nevertheless, he had some good qualities, and when half an hour later a +nude study, shivering and wet, presented itself in his doorway craving +to be taken in out of the night wind, he asked no question until he had +wrapped him in warm blankets, and filled him with strong liquors. + +Mr. Lillywhite Lambe never returned to his curacy, never married a rich +spinster. His disappearance was not inquired into deeply. Some people +preferred to think of him as dead and sainted. He was supposed to be +drowned, and his ghost was said to be visible at times upon the West +Cliff--generally with a pipe in his mouth. And as his costume was that +of the black man, who was habitually at his side, it was further +supposed that he had, in that first visit to the cottage on the cliff, +sold himself to the D----. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +A MATHEMATIC MADNESS. + +F. P. DEMPSTER. + + + For months I had been "grinding" Mathematics day and night + When Miss McGirton cast on my affections such a blight; + My mind unhinged now only creaks, and when I tell my woes + I'm forced to lisp in _numbers_ what I'd rather say in prose. + + Sweet maiden _perpendicular_! She gave a _slanting_ sigh + As o'er my kneeling form she cast a calculating eye. + "Ah! well" said I, "you _cipher_ me, for if you'll not be mine + From out this pocket next my heart I'll _straight produce a line_; + So ere you are, dear _Polly_, _gone_, pray heed your lover's vow, + Or he dangles _at right angles_ to some _horizontal_ bough." + + The maid flew in no _frustrum_--like your giddy gushing girls-- + But standing calm and frigid, shook her strictly _spiral_ curls, + And said, "You see we're equal as to station: very well! + _Our paths in life could never meet, because they're parallel._" + + Her voice was so serrated that I fled this maid antique; + Then, approaching her _obliquely_, _at a tangent_ took her cheek! + The kiss was too _elliptical_! She vanished into space! + And a circulating obelisk now marks the fatal place. + + Weeks fled. My doctor shook his head and said, "You must embark + For an utter change." I did: and went aboard a leaky _Arc_ + Bound for the hot _Quadratics_, where I landed for a week, + And joined the aborigines in every savage freak. + I felled primeval forests with the _axes of a cube_, + At the feathery _Parabolas_ I aimed the loaded tube; + (For while aboard the Arc, you see, I found on _deck a gun_, + And, cunning as a Crusoe, put it by for future fun.) + While safe within some _brackets_ I have watched those bulky brutes, + The snorting _Parallelograms_ that feed upon _square roots_; + Their noise would rouse the forest till each denizen therein + Woke up and did its "level best" to swell the horrid din. + Oh! the shrieking of the _Cylinder_! the _Pyramid's base_ moan, + The clucking of the _Sector_ and the cooing of the _Cone_! + Then a lull perhaps, while distant ululations would reveal + The natives chanting grace before their missionary meal. + In truth it was an evil place, for a _Vinculum_ might rise + At any moment in your path and wobble its wild eyes; + And oft, when looking for a _log_ I'd shake in ev'ry joint + For fear some deadly _Decimal_ might sting me with its _point_. + At last I plucked up courage, though, and even gained renown + In getting gallant trophies for my home in Camden Town: + I killed the cruel _Quatrefoil_ to take her snarling cub, + Or doubled up a cannibal to get his graven club; + I trapped the roaring _Rhombuses_, those beasts of fearful strength, + And the _Parallelopipedon_, a snake of awful length; + Oft I bestrode the _Algebra_ and charged in wild career + The proud opaque _Hypotenuse_ and jabbed him with my spear. + + 'Tis past! I'm now in London: yet my reason's all awry. + I'm yearning for a vanished maid who gave a slanting sigh. + Nor may we meet in Dreamland: e'en there I'm robbed of rest, + For a wizened old _Trapezium_ sits sulking on my chest; + Or two _triangles_ she jangles with a semilunar leer, + Till I wake--with hair erect--in one _diagonal_ of fear! + And mark to the clang of _symbols_, phantom figures march all day + In _co-efficient_ cohorts--_Major Axis_ leads the way. + In short, from early morn until I shuffle off to bed, + But one equation's clear to me,--_o_=_ayz_. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +WAITING AT TOTTLEPOT. + +J. ASHBY-STERRY. + + +An hour to wait! Well that's a nuisance, but I suppose there is no help +for it. + +I cannot possibly go on without my portmanteau. And they may send the +wrong one after all. I believe my friend the dismal porter--the faded +misanthrope in corduroys, only telegraphed for a brown portmanteau. +There are probably twenty brown portmanteaux at this present moment +waiting at Jigby Junction, and if I know anything of railway officials, +they will be sure to send the wrong one. So here I must wait. + +I suppose I must have made a mistake in the train. No trap, dog-cart, or +conveyance of any kind to meet me from Clewmere. Wonder whether they had +my telegram. The Faded Misanthrope says he is quite certain nothing has +been over from Clewmere since the day before yesterday. And then he says +Sir Charles and some of the young ladies came in the waggonette. They +waited to see two trains in, he told me, and then drove away saying +there must be some mistake. Hope I did not say Tuesday instead of +Thursday, or what is far more likely, write Thursday to look like +Tuesday. I ask my friend the porter if there is any other way of getting +to Clewmere. "No," he says, "it is a longish walk, a matter of twelve or +thirteen miles, and a pretty rough road too." + +"Now," he says "if it had only been Saturday instead of Thursday, there +is Smaggleton's 'bus, as 'ud put you down within five minutes' walk of +the lodge. Smaggleton don't run every day, he don't; he only runs o' +Saturdays, bein' market day at Stamborough, and a pooty full load he +gets there and back, which pays Smaggleton very well. And Smaggleton +wants it," he continues, "what with the branch line to Stamborough, +Smaggleton's business ain't what it was; he can't afford to turn up his +nose at a few farmers and their missusses now-a-days. Smaggleton must +take things as they come--the good and the bad, the rough and the +smooth--as well as the rest of us. Lor, bless you, Sir, I recollect when +Smaggleton used to drive about in his dog-cart, in a light top coat, a +white hat and a rose in his button-hole, he always was quite the----" + +As I do not feel particularly interested in the rise, progress or +downfall of Smaggleton, I am obliged to interrupt my garrulous friend, +and ask if they did not let out flys at the Crackleton Arms, hard by. He +informs me, they certainly do "in a usual way." But he adds, they have +only two flys. One is having something done to the wheels, and the other +went away early this morning to take some friends of Squire Bullamore's +to a pic-nic. He furthermore tells me that Cudgerry, the carrier, would +perhaps be able to give me a lift, but he would not be here till seven +o'clock this evening. As they dine at Clewmere at eight, of course +Cudgerry is quite out of the question. My friend shakes his head, he +retires into a dark, greasy room, which seems to be devoted to lamps, +and I continue my walk up and down the platform. + +Cannot imagine why they ever built a station at Tottlepot. Nobody ever +wants to stop at Tottlepot, there is no trade at Tottlepot--indeed, +nobody ought to be allowed to stop at Tottlepot; and Tottlepot as a +Station ought to be forthwith disestablished and erased from the railway +map of Great Britain. If I had left the train at Jigby Junction, I +should not have lost my portmanteau, I could have hired a fly, and +should by this time have been quietly lunching at Clewmere Court instead +of pacing up and down the Tottlepot platform like a wild beast in his +den. + +I have often waited at stations before. Every kind of station, little +and big, all over the Continent and England, and have generally found +that waiting productive of considerable amusement. But Tottlepot is +quite a different thing. I think it was Albert Smith who once spoke of +the depth of dulness being achieved by "spending a wet Sunday, all by +yourself, in a hack cab in the middle of Salisbury Plain." Had he been +compelled to wait on a fine Thursday at Tottlepot he would have +discovered a depth yet lower. The only thing in my favour is, it is +fine. If it were wet I cannot imagine what I should do. There is a small +room I see labelled "Waiting-Room." It is about the size of a +bathing-machine and half filled with parcels and bandboxes. If you had +to wait there you would be compelled to sit with your legs right across +the down platform; the only use of that waiting-room would be to keep +your hat dry. + +There is not a refreshment room, there is not even a book-stall. I cannot +even cheer myself with an ancient bath bun, a glass of cloudy beer, or +two penny-worth of acidulated drops. (If there happened to be a +refreshment room at Tottlepot that is exactly the kind of refreshment +they would give you). Neither can I pass away the time by purchasing a +penny paper, and taking a free read of all the novels and publications +awaiting purchasers. There are no advertisements, no lovely oil +paintings of sea-side resorts, which are all the more charming from +being not the least like the place they are supposed to represent; there +are no bills of entertainments; no auctioneers' and house-agents' +notices; no posters concerning hotels, nor glass-cases containing +photographic specimens. It is just the place for Mark Tapley to come to +as station-master. And he, with all his power of being jolly under the +most disadvantageous circumstances, would probably be found under the +wheels of a passing express within a fortnight. + +And talking about the station-master reminds me I have not yet seen +him. Possibly my friend, the Faded Misanthrope in corduroys, is +station-master. If so, he has to clean the lamps, send telegrams, take +and issue tickets, look after the baggage, attend to the signals, +cultivate his garden, pay visits to the Crackleton Arms, and superintend +the traffic of the station generally. I do not wonder at his appearing +to be somewhat depressed. The only thing of a lively nature I see about +the place is a fine black cat, with enormous green eyes, which might be +utilised as "caution" signals when the porter, in consequence of his +multifarious duties, was unable to reach the signal-box. This cat was +evidently very much pleased to see me indeed. It followed me up and down +the platform like a dog, and it purred like a saw-pit in full work. + +A very tiny pale governess, with two big bouncing rosy girls, in the +highest of spirits, the shortest of petticoats and the longest of hair, +cross the line. I fancy those young ladies are daughters of the Vicar, +and I may meet their excellent mamma at dinner to-night. The governess +passes demurely through the side wicket. One of her charges tries to do +a sort of Blondin feat by walking along the glistening iron rail and +falls down; the eldest boldly clambers over the five-barred gate and +shows a shapely pair of legs, clad in sable hose and snow-white frilled +pantalettes. "What did I tell you, Lil?" says the governess in the +mildest voice to the first. "Very well, Gil, wait till we get home!" she +remarks in yet sweeter tones to the second. The two children rejoin her +at once and take her hand, and disappear down the lane. I am left to +wonder how she acquires this influence over them, for they are as tall +as she is and infinitely stronger--they could eat her, were they so +minded. I wonder too what will happen to Gil when they get home? Will +mamma be told? No, I fancy this mild little governess is quite equal to +controlling, unaided, these big bouncing girls. + +My friend the porter has by this time got through a quantity of business +of a varied nature, and is enjoying a little light relaxation by digging +violently in his garden. He has taken off his jacket, and a good deal of +his depression seems to have been removed at the same time--it _must_ be +depressing to be compelled to reside in a somewhat tight corduroy jacket +all your life--and as he digs he hums to himself a sort of merry dirge. +I endeavour to enter into the spirit of the thing, and sympathise with +him in his relaxation. I say cheerfully, as if I knew all about it, "Ah! +nice fine weather for the----!" I cannot for the life of me think what +it is nice fine weather for. My friend says, "Eh?" I observe he is not +so respectful in his private as in his porterial capacity. I reply, +"Quite so!" whereupon he rejoins, "Ha! but we could do wi' a bit o' rain +for the----." Cannot catch remainder of his sentence; but I never yet +met a gardener who couldn't "do wi' a bit o' rain" for something or +other. + +We begin to be quite voluble on the subject of plants and crops. I find +he knows so much more on the subject than I do, but I merely nod my head +and smile weakly and presently move quietly away. When I reach the other +end of the platform I hear the sharp jingle of the telegraph bell and +the jerk of the signal levers. Presently a very prim and neat +station-master appears, who looks as if he had just been turned out of +one of the band-boxes in the waiting room. There is also a very active +boy porter, who is apparently trying to run over the station-master with +a truck. My old friend is walking slowly along the platform. He has left +the gay horticulturist in the garden, and has assumed the Faded +Misanthrope with his corduroy jacket. He tells me that the train is now +coming--the one that will bring my portmanteau. The train presently +stops; a few dazed agriculturists, and a very stout fussy old lady, +half-a-dozen milk cans, and my portmanteau are put out. + +I am gazing at the latter to be quite sure it is my own, when I hear +myself addressed by name. I turn round and see a smart groom whose face +I know well. "Anything else beside the portmanteau, sir?" he says, +touching his hat. "Sir Charles is outside with the waggonette; the new +pair is a little bit fresh, and he don't like to leave 'em." + +That is all right. I think to myself I shall dine at Clewmere after all. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +MARRIED TO A GIANTESS. + +WALTER PARKE. + + +I loved her with all my heart, and, indeed, it took all my heart to +accomplish the feat; for, in sooth, there was a great deal--a very great +deal--of her to love. Although only "sweet seventeen," she had reached +the commanding stature of nine feet nine inches, and, to use the words +of a familiar advertisement, she was "still growing." + +From my childhood I had doated on the gigantic, loved the lofty, admired +the massive, and had a weakness for strength. The tales I best loved +were those of giants. + +Can you wonder, then, that when I heard that the celebrated Samothracian +Giantess, Goliathina Immensikoff, from the wilds of Wallachia, the +largest woman in the world, was approaching London, my soul was stirred +by the news as by a trumpet-call? I read with the deepest interest the +accounts of her antecedents. I learnt how she was discovered in the +Wilds of Wallachia by Whiteley, the World's Provider, who had "taken her +from the bosom of her family"--and here I could not help exclaiming, +"What a stupendous 'bosom' that 'family' must have had!" + +As I reclined on my sofa, smoking the largest possible meerschaum, and +reading with absorbing interest these accounts of one who was certainly +"born to greatness," I suddenly came to a terrific and almost appalling +resolve. Involuntarily I exclaimed, aloud, "She shall be mine!" + +Yet how could I hope for success? To win so great a being one must be +not only a lady-killer, but a giant-killer also; and though I bear a +"big" name myself--Hector Gogmagog--Nature has denied me either +extraordinary personal attractions or lofty stature. How hopeless, then, +for me to aspire to the affection of the Monumental Maiden of +Samothracia! Five feet five pitted against nine feet nine is to be +pitted indeed! + +But love laughs at obstacles. That evening I went to the Royal Escurial +Theatre, where Mademoiselle Goliathina was performing, and sat +enthralled to witness her impersonation of the Queen of Brobdingnag. The +pictures had not exaggerated. She was "every inch a queen"--a phrase of +some significance when the number of inches mounts up to one hundred and +seventeen. + +The next step was to get an introduction. This I accomplished to my +satisfaction, and though at first naturally overawed by her Leviathan +aspect, thenceforward my wooing proceeded rapidly. I had several +interviews with the colossal charmer, at which I had the satisfaction of +discovering that I was more in her eyes than some other men who were +nearer to herself in point of stature. Words of encouragement coming +from those lips, so near and yet so far away, words spoken in soft +Wallachian, yet in tones that Stentor might have envied--elevated me to +the seventh heaven of pride and delight. I already felt taller by +inches--but what was _that_ to her nine feet nine? + +I sent her the very biggest bouquets, such as occupied a whole hansom +cab each; love letters, their weight barely covered by eight stamps; and +valentines that would only go by parcels delivery. + +All this had its effect. She would have been less than woman, instead of +a very great deal _more_--had she been insensible to my devotion. Can I +ever forget what the poet ecstatically calls "the first kiss of +love"--how, at considerable inconvenience to herself, she bent that +statuesque form to accommodate herself to my limited stature? That +_was_, indeed, "stooping to conquer." + +Yet with all this encouragement, it was in fear and trembling that I +approached the momentous question. Fancy a refusal from those lips. It +would be crushing indeed! + +"Dearest Goliathina," I said, standing upon the head of the sofa, in +order to place myself upon something like her own exalted level, "say, +oh, say you will be mine. You may be sure of my lifelong devotion. You +will be all in all to me, and, in fact, much more than all; for you are +far too large to be merely my better half. I shall always make much of +you, and look up to you as one infinitely above me. Fortunately, I have +a large heart; but as you occupy it entirely, it would be perfectly +impossible for me to find room for any other object. Were you to reject +me, there would be an immeasurable void in my life, and who else is +capable of filling it?" + +She was evidently affected; for what the poet calls a "big round +tear"--and goodness knows _how_ big round tear it was in this +case--could be perceived starting from each of her moonlike eyes. I +clasped her hand--which in point of length was a _foot_--and she did not +withdraw it. + +"Fondest Hector," she responded, "I am thine!" + +And she leant her head upon my shoulder. I staggered; but by the +exertion of all my strength I was able for some moments to sustain that +delicious burden. + +Our wedding took place before the Registrar, who, being of a nervous +temperament, was so overwhelmed at the towering dimensions of the bride, +that he could scarcely get through the ceremony. It was all as private +as so abnormal an affair could possibly be kept, and for a time the +famous female colossus figured no longer at the Royal Escurial as Queen +Brobdingnag, a substitute only six feet two inches having been provided. + +Marrying a giantess has its inconveniences. I had to have a house built +with exceptionally lofty rooms and doors ten feet high, with furniture +on a corresponding scale. An ordinary carriage was of no use to my wife, +whose size also frightened the horses; so we had a sort of triumphal car +built, drawn by a circus elephant. It was expensive, but an excellent +advertisement in a theatrical sense. She could never walk out without +being mobbed, and terrifying babies. She dared not visit a friend's +house for fear of frightening the children and destroying the furniture. +And fancy her at a dance! Moreover, our housekeeping expenses were +something frightful. + +Anon, darker shadows hovered around our domestic sphere. Her temper +proved to be at times uncertain. At the least attempt to thwart any of +her strange caprices, she grew infuriated; and when annoyed, she had a +way of putting me on the top of a high bookcase, or locking me up in a +cupboard, box, or trunk--for I have said all our belongings were on a +gigantic scale--which was peculiarly humiliating. + +About this time we became acquainted with Morlock Mastodon, Drum-Major +to his highness the Grand Duke of Samothracia. The Major, though of +small stature compared with my wife, was considered a giant by ordinary +men, being seven feet ten in height. My fondness for giants rendered +him an eligible acquaintance to me. Mrs. Gogmagog naturally took to one +of her own gigantic species; and the Major was pleased to say that ours +was the only comfortable and commodious house in England--he meant the +only one in which the doors were ten feet high, and the chair-seats four +feet from the ground. Anyhow, he soon made himself at home with us--too +_much_ at home, as I couldn't help thinking. I didn't mind him and my +wife being good friends; but when, in their gigantic loftiness, they +seemed to overlook me altogether, I began to entertain natural feelings +of jealousy. Besides, the Major owed me money--large sums in proportion +to his size, which he had borrowed under the obviously false pretence +that he was "_very short_ just now;" and he seemed in no hurry to pay it +back. What could I do? It was rather a risky thing to expostulate with a +man of seven feet ten; and to turn him out of the house would have been +a task altogether beyond my physical strength. At all events I could +resolve that he should never enter it again; and I gave strict +injunctions that always in future when Major Mastodon called there was +to be "nobody at home." + +Moreover, I actually summoned up courage to tell my wife of my +resolution, and even to remonstrate with her upon her own demeanour +towards the gallant and gigantic Major. Then she got into a rage. And +_such_ a rage! Heavens! what had I done? What would become of me? I was +as one who had called down upon his devoted head the wrath of the gods +or of the Titans. + +She drew herself up to her full height of nearly ten feet, her eyes +glared like those of a demoniac, and grasping my arm in her Herculean +clutch, she lifted me bodily from the ground. + +"Hands off!" I exclaimed, struggling. "Hit one your own size!" + +"_My_ own size!" she thundered, in a _contralto profundo_ voice that +shook the very roof. "Where am I to find 'em? The only person +approximating to my own size you have forbidden the house. You--_you_ +dare try and control my actions--you, whom I could crush like a +blue-bottle--attempt to dictate to _me_! I will stand this no longer. +You have offended me once too often. You die!" + +"Beware, fearful female!" I gasped. "Colossal as you are, the arm of the +law is still longer and even stronger than yours. Kill me, and you will +assuredly die for it!" + +She gave a laugh of scorn. + +"Me?" she cried. "Do you believe they would hang _me_? No; I am above +all laws, and I have sworn that you shall die!" + +And in spite of my struggles she flung me, as easily as if I had been a +doll, right out of the third storey window. Down I fell, down, down, +till I-- + +---- found myself on the floor. I had tumbled off the sofa, and so +awakened from my terrific dream. Heavens! what a relief to find that +after all I was _not_ married to a giantess, that it was all a vision +due to my falling asleep over the advertisement, and that Mdlle. +Goliathina was but a gigantic nightmare. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +THE VISION OF THE ALDERMAN. + +HENRY S. LEIGH. + + + An Alderman sat at a festive board, + Quaffing the blood-red wine, + And many a Bacchanal stave outpour'd + In praise of the fruitful vine. + Turtle and salmon and Strasbourg pie + Pippins and cheese were there; + And the bibulous Alderman wink'd his eye, + For the sherris was old and rare. + + But a cloud came o'er his gaze eftsoons, + And his wicked old orbs grew dim; + Then drink turn'd each of the silver spoons + To a couple of spoons for _him_. + He bow'd his head at the festive board, + By the gaslight's dazzling gleam: + He bow'd his head and he slept and snor'd, + And he dream'd a fearful dream. + + Far, carried away on the wings of Sleep, + His spirit was onward borne, + Till he saw vast holiday crowds in Chepe + On a ninth November morn. + Guns were booming and bells ding-dong'd, + Ethiop minstrels play'd; + And still, wherever the burghers throng'd, + Brisk jongleurs drove their trade. + + Scarlet Sheriffs, the City's pride, + With a portly presence fill'd + The whole of the courtyard just outside + The hall of their ancient Guild. + And in front of the central gateway there, + A marvellous chariot roll'd, + (Like gingerbread at a country fair + 'Twas cover'd with blazing gold). + + And a being, array'd in pomp and pride + Was brought to the big stone gate; + And they begg'd that being to mount and ride + In that elegant coach of state. + But, oh! he was fat, so ghastly fat, + Was that being of pomp and pride, + That, in spite of many attempts thereat, + He _couldn't_ be pushed inside. + + That being was press'd, but press'd in vain, + Till the drops bedew'd his cheek; + The gilded vehicle rock'd again, + And the springs began to creak. + The slumbering alderman groan'd a groan, + For a vision he seem'd to trace, + Some horrible semblance to _his own_ + In that being's purple face. + + And, "Oh!" he cried, as he started up; + "Sooner than come to _that_, + Farewell for ever the baneful cup + And the noxious turtle fat!"-- + They carried him up the winding-stair; + They laid him upon the bed; + And they left him, sleeping the sleep of care, + With an ache in his nightcapp'd head. + + (_By permission of_ MESSRS. CHATTO & WINDUS.) + + + + +THE DEMON SNUFFERS. + +GEO. MANVILLE FENN. + + +I'm not at all given to parading my troubles--nothing of the kind. I may +be getting old, in fact, I am; and I may have had disappointments such +as have left me slightly irritable and peevish; but I ask, as a man, who +wouldn't be troubled in his nerves if he had suffered from snuffers? + +Snuffers? Yes--snuffers--a pair of cheap, black, iron snuffers, that +screech when they are opened, and creak when they are shut; a pair that +will not stay open, nor yet keep shut; a pair that gape at you +incessantly, and point at you a horrid sharp iron beak, as a couple of +leering eyes turn the finger and thumb holes into a pair of spectacles, +and squint and wink at you maliciously. A word in your ear--this in a +whisper--those snuffers are haunted! their insignificant iron frame is +the habitation of a demon--an imp of darkness; and I've been troubled +till I've got snuffers on the brain, and I shall have them till I'm +snuffed out. + +It has been going on now for a couple of years, ever since my landlady +sent the snuffers up to me first in my shiney crockery-ware candlestick, +where those snuffers glide about like a snake in a tin pail. I remember +the first night as well as can be. It was in November--a weird, wet, +foggy night, when the river-side streets were wrapped in a yellow +blanket of fog--and I was going to bed, when, at my first touch of the +candlestick, those snuffers glided off with an angry snap, and lay, +open-mouthed, glaring at me from the floor. + +I was somewhat startled, certainly, but far from alarmed; and I seized +the fugitives and replaced them in the candlestick, opened the door, and +ascended the stairs. + +Mind, I am only recording facts untinged by the pen of romance! Before I +had ascended four steps, those hideous snuffers darted off, and plunged, +point downwards, on to my left slippered foot, causing me an agonising +pang, and the next moment a bead of starting blood stained my stocking. + +I will not declare this, but I believe it to be a fact: as I said +something oathish, I am nearly certain that I heard a low, fiendish +chuckle; and when I stooped to lift the snuffers, there was a bright +spark in the open mouth, and a pungent blue smoke breathed out to annoy +my nostrils! + +I was too bold in those days to take much notice of the incident, and I +hurried upstairs--not, however, without seeing that there was a foul, +black patch left upon my holland stair-cloth; and then I hurried into +bed, and tried to sleep. But I could not, try as I would. In the +darkness I could just make out the candlestick against the blind: and +from that point incessantly the demon snuffers gradually approached me, +till they sat spectacle-wise astride my nose, and a pair of burning eyes +gazed through them right into mine. + +Need I say that I arose next morning feverish and unrefreshed to go +about my daily duties? + +"I'll have no more of it to-night," I said to myself, as I rose early to +go to bed and make up for the past bad night; and I smiled sardonically +as I took up the highly-glazed candlestick and tried to shake the black, +straddling reptile out upon the sideboard. I say _tried_; for, to my +horror, the great eyeholes leered at me as they hugged round the upright +portion of the stick and refused to be dislodged. I shook them again, +and one part went round the extinguisher support, which the reptile +dislodged, so that the extinguisher rattled upon the sideboard top. But +the snuffers were there still. I tried again, and they, or it, dodged +round and thrust a head through the handle, where they stuck fast, +grinning at me till I set the candlestick down and stared. + +"Pooh!--stuff!--ridiculous!" I exclaimed, quite angry at my weak, +imaginative folly; and, determined to act like a man, I seized the +candlestick with one hand, the snuffers with the other, and, after a +hard fight, succeeded in wriggling them out of their stronghold, banged +them down upon the table cloth, seized them again, snuffed my candle +viciously before replacing them on the table, and then marched out of +the room, proud of my moral triumph, and rejoicing in having freed +myself of the demon. But, as I stood upon the stairs, I could see that +my hand was blackened; and the icy, galvanic feeling that assailed my +nerves when I first touched the snuffers still tingled right to my +elbow. + +But I was free of my enemy; and marching with freely playing lungs into +my bedroom, I closed and locked the door, set down my empty candlestick, +changed my coat and vest for a dressing-gown and began to brush my hair. + +It is my custom to brush my hair with a pair of brushes for ten minutes +every night before retiring to rest. I find it strengthening to the +brain. Upon this occasion I had brushed hard for five minutes, when +there was a loud knock at my bed-room door. + +"Can I speak to you a moment, sir?" said the voice of my landlady. + +I rose and opened the door, and then started back in disgust, as I was +greeted with-- + +"Please, sir, you forgot your snuffers!" + +My snuffers! It was too horrible; but there was more to bear. + +"And please, sir, I do hope you'll be more careful. It's a mussy we +warn't all burnt to death in our beds, for the snuffers have made a +great hole as big as your hand in the tablecloth, and scorched the +mahogany table; and it was a mussy I went into your room before I went +up to bed." + +I couldn't speak, for I was drawn irresistibly on to obey, as my +landlady held the snuffers-handle towards me, and pointed to the fungus +snuff upon the common candle. I thrust in a finger and thumb, closed the +door in desperation--for I could not refuse the snuffers--once more +locked myself in, and stalked to the dressing-table; and, as I heard my +landlady's retreating steps, I snuffed the candle, which started up +instantly with a brighter flame, as the snuffers' mouth closed upon the +incandescent wick. + +"I'm slightly nervous," I said to myself, as I essayed to put down my +enemies. "I want tone--iron--iodine--tonic bitters--and--curse the +thing!" I ejaculated, shaking my hand and trying to dislodge the +snuffers. My efforts were but vain, for the rings clung tightly to my +finger and thumb, cut into my flesh, and it was not until I had given +them a frantic wrench, which broke the rivet and separated the halves, +that I was able to tear out my bruised digits, and stand, panting, at +the broken instrument. + +There was relief, though, here. I felt as if I had crushed out the +reptile's life; and the two pieces--their living identity gone--lay +nerveless, and devoid of terrors, in the candle tray. + +I slept excellently that night, and smiled as I dressed beside the +broken fragments. I had achieved a victory over self, as well as over an +enemy. I enjoyed my breakfast, after raising the white cloth to look at +the damage, which I knew would appear as twenty shillings in the weekly +bill; but I did not care, though I shuddered slightly as I thought of +the snuffers' horrible designs. I dined that day with friends, played a +few games afterwards at pool, and then we had oysters. + +I was in the best of spirits as I opened the door with my latchkey, and +I laughed heartily at what I called my folly of the previous nights; +but, as I entered my room, there was the great black hole in the green +cloth table cover, and the charred wood beneath, while, upon the +sideboard---- + +I groaned as I stood, half transfixed. I could have imagined that I had +on divers leaden-soled boots; for there, maliciously grinning at me with +half-opened mouth, were the demon snuffers, joined together by a new, +glistening rivet, which only added to their weird appearance, as the +beak cocked itself at me, and the great eyes glared, as the black mouth +seemed to say-- + +"You'll never get rid of me!" + +Something seemed to draw me, and I went and took the candlestick, my +eyes being fixed the while upon the snuffers; and I came in contact with +several pieces of furniture as I went into the passage, where I held the +candlestick very much on one side as I lit the candle at the little +lamp. I hoped that the snuffers would fall out; but they grinned +maliciously, and did not stir. + +The next moment I was obliged to use them, for the candle began to +gutter; when, as nothing followed, I grew bolder, and began to ascend +the stairs. In a minute, though before I was half way up the second +flight, and though the candlestick was carried perfectly +straight--crash! the demon snuffers darted out, and dashed themselves +upon the floor. + +I did not stay to look, but hurried to my bed-room, closing and locking +the door. + +"Safe this time!" I thought; for it was late, and I knew that my +landlady must have been long in bed. Then I began to think of how they +had hopped out of the candlestick, and I remembered what they had done +on the previous night--how they had tried to set fire to the house. +Suppose they should do so now? The cold perspiration trickled down my +nose at the very thought. I dared not leave the demon, or twin +demons--the horrid Siamese pair. + +I would, though--I was safe here. But, fire! Suppose they set the house +on fire? + +Down I went in the dark--very softly, too, lest I should alarm the +landlady and the other lodgers; but, though the odour was strong, I went +right to the bottom, and stood upon the door-mat without finding my +enemies. + +I stood and thought for a few minutes, and then began slowly to ascend, +feeling carefully all over every step as I went up to my bed-room, where +I arrived, without ever my hand coming in contact with that which I +sought. + +"I'll go to bed and leave them!" I ejaculated, and I turned upon my +heel; but, at that moment, the pungent burning odour came up stronger +than ever, and I was compelled to descend, to find that the demon twins +had been lying in ambush half-way down, so that I trod upon them, +tripped, in my terror my foot glided, over them, and I fell with a crash +into the umbrella stand, which I upset with a hideous noise upon the +oilcloth--not so loud, though, but that I could hear the little black +imps take three or four grasshopper leaps along the passage, ending by +sticking the pointed beak into the street door. + +Before I could gather myself up, I heard doors opening upstairs, and +screaming from the girls below who slept in the kitchen; and the next +minute old Major O'Brien's voice came roaring down-- + +"An' if ye shtir a shtep I'll blow out yer brains!" + +Of course I had to explain; and I had the horrible knowledge that they +gave me the credit of being intoxicated--the Major saying he would not +stop in a house where people went prowling about at all hours, ending by +himself, at the landlady's request, examining the door to see if it was +latched securely, and then seeing me safely to my room. + +"An' if I did me duty, sor, I should lock you in," he said by way of +good night. "And now get into bed, sor, and at once; and--here are your +snuffers!" + +I could fill volumes with the tortures inflicted upon me by those +haunted snuffers, for they clung to me, and in spite of every effort +never left me free. It was in vain that I came home early and shifted +them into the Major's candlestick: they only came back. I threw them out +of the bedroom window once, and they were found by the maid in the area. +I threw them out again, and they were picked up by the policeman, and +they made him bring them back. Then I tried it at midday; but an old +woman brought them in, and made a row because they went through her +parasol, so that I had to pay ten shillings, besides being looked upon +by my landlady as a lunatic. + +I thrust them into the fire one night, and held them there with the +tongs, lest they should leap out; but they would not burn, and my +landlady, finding them in the ashes, had them japanned, and they were in +their old place next day. I had no better luck when I thrust +them--buried them--deep in a scuttle of ashes; they only turned up out +of the dusthole when Mary sifted the cinders. + +They always came off black on to my hands when they did not anoint my +fingers with soft tallow. If they fell out of the candlestick, it was +always on to oilcloth or paint, where they could make a noise jumping +about like a grasshopper, till they ended by standing upon the sharp +beak, with the spectacle-like holes in the air. If I went up to dress, +they would shoot into my collar-box, or amongst my clean shirts, +smutting them all over. If I tried to kill a wasp with them upon an +autumn evening, when the insect crept out of a plum at dessert, the +wretches only snipped him in two, as if rejoicing at the inflicted +torture. In short, they have worn me out--those snuffers; and, if it was +not from fear, I should take and drop them from the parapet of a bridge. + +But, there! it would be in vain; they would be certain to turn up; and +they are not mortal, so what can you expect? Let this communication be a +secret, for it is written wholly by day, when the snuffers lie in the +lower regions. + +A bright thought has occurred to me--the Major leaves this morning for +Berlin. + + * * * * * + +I have done it--his carpet bag stood in the hall, waiting for the cab. +The Major was in the drawing-room paying his bill. The maids were +upstairs making the beds. I stole down, like a thief, into the kitchen. +The snuffers were in my dirty candlestick upon the dresser. I seized the +grinning, tallow-anointed demons, flew up the stairs, and, as I heard +the drawing-room door open, tore the bag a little apart, and thrust them +in. The next minute they were on the roof of a cab, and on their way to +Berlin, where they will haunt the Major. + + * * * * * + +A month of uninterrupted joy has passed. On the day of the Major's +departure I seemed to wed pleasure; and this has been the honeymoon. +This morning, when I paid my bill, the landlady announced the coming +back of the Major to his old apartments. I have been in dread ever +since. But this is folly. I will be hopeful: my worst fears may not be +confirmed. + + * * * * * + +It's all over--he has brought them back! + +They grin at me as I write. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER. + +LEWIS CARROLL. + + + The sun was shining on the sea, + Shining with all his might; + He did his very best to make + The billows smooth and bright-- + And this was odd, because it was + The middle of the night. + + The moon was shining sulkily, + Because she thought the sun + Had got no business to be there + After the day was done. + "It's very rude of him," she said, + "To come and spoil the fun." + + The sea was wet as wet could be, + The sands were dry as dry. + You could not see a cloud, because + No cloud was in the sky: + No birds were flying over-head-- + There were no birds to fly. + + The Walrus and the Carpenter + Were walking close at hand; + They wept like anything to see + Such quantities of sand: + "If this were only cleared away," + They said, "It _would_ be grand!" + + "If seven maids, with seven mops, + Swept it for half a year, + Do you suppose," the Walrus said, + "That they could get it clear?" + "I doubt it," said the Carpenter, + And shed a bitter tear. + + "O, Oysters, come and walk with us!" + The Walrus did beseech. + "A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, + Along the briny beach: + We cannot do with more than four, + To give a hand to each." + + The eldest Oyster looked at him, + But never a word he said: + The eldest Oyster winked his eye, + And shook his heavy head-- + Meaning to say he did not choose + To leave the oyster-bed. + + But four young Oysters hurried up, + All eager for the treat: + Their coats were brushed, their faces washed, + Their shoes were clean and neat-- + And this was odd, because, you know, + They hadn't any feet. + + Four other Oysters followed them, + And yet another four; + And thick and fast they came at last, + And more, and more, and more-- + All hopping through the frothy waves, + And scrambling to the shore. + + The Walrus and the Carpenter + Walked on a mile or so, + And then they rested on a rock + Conveniently low: + And all the little Oysters stood + And waited in a row. + + "The time has come," the Walrus said, + "To talk of many things: + Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- + Of cabbages--and kings-- + And why the sea is boiling hot-- + And whether pigs have wings." + + "But wait a bit," the Oysters cried, + "Before we have our chat; + For some of us are out of breath, + And all of us are fat!" + "No hurry," said the Carpenter: + They thanked him much for that. + + "A loaf of bread," the Walrus said, + "Is what we chiefly need: + Pepper and vinegar besides + Are very good indeed-- + Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear, + We can begin to feed." + + "But not on us," the Oysters cried, + Turning a little blue. + "After such kindness, that would be + A dismal thing to do!" + "The night is fine," the Walrus said. + "Do you admire the view? + + "It was so kind of you to come, + And you are very nice!" + The Carpenter said nothing but + "Cut us another slice: + I wish you were not quite so deaf-- + I've had to ask you twice!" + + "It seems a shame," the Walrus said, + "To play them such a trick, + After we've brought them out so far, + And made them trot so quick!" + The Carpenter said nothing but + "The butter's spread too thick!" + + "I weep for you," the Walrus said: + "I deeply sympathize." + With sobs and tears he sorted out + Those of the largest size, + Holding his pocket-handkerchief + Before his streaming eyes. + + "O, Oysters," said the Carpenter, + "You've had a pleasant run! + Shall we be trotting home again?" + But answer came there none-- + And this was scarcely odd, because + They'd eaten every one. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +MY BROTHER HENRY. + +J. M. BARRIE. + + +At first sight it may not, perhaps, seem quite the thing that I should +be hilarious because I have at last had the courage to kill my brother +Henry. For some time, however, Henry had been annoying me. Strictly +speaking, I never had a brother Henry. It is just fifteen months since I +began to acknowledge that there was such a person. It came about in this +way:--I have a friend of the name of Fenton, who, like myself, lives in +London. His house is so conveniently situated that I can go there and +back in one day. About a year and a half ago I was at Fenton's, and he +remarked that he had met a man the day before who knew my brother Henry. +Not having a brother Henry, I felt that there must be a mistake +somewhere; so I suggested that Fenton's friend had gone wrong in the +name. My only brother, I pointed out with the suavity of manner that +makes me a general favourite, was called Alexander. "Yes," said Fenton, +"but he spoke of Alexander also." Even this did not convince me that I +had a brother Henry, and I asked Fenton the name of his friend. +Scudamour was the name, and the gentleman had met my brothers Alexander +and Henry some six years previously in Paris. When I heard this I +probably frowned; for then I knew who my brother Henry was. Strange +though it may seem, I was my own brother Henry. I distinctly remembered +meeting this man Scudamour at Paris during the time that Alexander and I +were there for a week's pleasure, and quarrelled every day. I explained +this to Fenton; and there, for the time being, the matter rested. I had, +however, by no means heard the last of Henry. Several times afterwards I +heard from various persons that Scudamour wanted to meet me because he +knew my brother Henry. At last we did meet, at a Bohemian supper-party +in Furnival's Inn; and, almost as soon as he saw me, Scudamour asked +where Henry was now. This was precisely what I feared. I am a man who +always looks like a boy. There are few persons of my age in London who +retain their boyish appearance as long as I have done; indeed, this is +the curse of my life. Though I am approaching the age of thirty, I pass +for twenty; and I have observed old gentlemen frown at my precocity when +I said a good thing or helped myself to a second glass of wine. There +was, therefore, nothing surprising in Scudamour's remark that, when he +had the pleasure of meeting Henry, Henry must have been about the age +that I had now reached. All would have been well had I explained the +real state of affairs to this annoying man; but, unfortunately for +myself, I loathe entering upon explanations to anybody about anything. +When I ring for my boots and my servant thinks I want a glass of water, +I drink the water and remain indoors. Much, then, did I dread a +discussion with Scudamour, his surprise when he heard that I was Henry +(my Christian name is Thomas), and his comments on my youthful +appearance. Besides, I was at that moment carving a tough fowl; and, as +I learned to carve from a handbook, I can make no progress unless I keep +muttering to myself, "Cut from A to B, taking care to pass along the +line C D, and sever the wing K from the body at the point F." There was +no likelihood of my meeting Scudamour again, so the easiest way to get +rid of him seemed to be to humour him. I therefore told him that Henry +was in India, married, and doing well. "Remember me to Henry when you +write to him," was Scudamour's last remark to me that evening. A few +weeks later someone tapped me on the shoulder in Oxford Street. It was +Scudamour. "Heard from Henry?" he asked. I said I had heard by the last +mail. "Anything particular in the letter?" I felt it would not do to say +there was nothing particular in a letter which had come all the way from +India, so I hinted that Henry had had trouble with his wife. By this I +meant that her health was bad; but he took it up in another way, and I +did not set him right. "Ah, ah!" he said, shaking his head sagaciously, +"I'm sorry to hear that. Poor Henry!" "Poor old boy!" was all I could +think of replying. "How about the children?" Scudamour asked. "Oh, the +children," I said, with what I thought presence of mind, "are coming to +England." "To stay with Alexander?" he asked; for Alexander is a married +man. My answer was that Alexander was expecting them by the middle of +next month; and eventually Scudamour went away muttering "Poor Henry!" +In a month or so we met again. "No word of Henry's getting leave of +absence?" asked Scudamour. I replied shortly that Henry had gone to live +in Bombay, and would not be home for years. He saw that I was brusque, +so what does he do but draw me aside for a quiet explanation. "I +suppose," he said, "you are annoyed because I told Fenton that Henry's +wife had run away from him. The fact is I did it for your good. You see +I happened to make a remark to Fenton about your brother Henry, and he +said that there was no such person. Of course I laughed at that, and +pointed out not only that I had the pleasure of Henry's acquaintance, +but that you and I had a talk about the old fellow every time we met. +'Well,' Fenton said, 'this is a most remarkable thing; for Tom,' meaning +you, 'said to me in this very room, sitting in that very chair, that +Alexander was his only brother.' I saw that Fenton resented your +concealing the existence of your brother Henry from him, so I thought +the most friendly thing I could do was to tell him that your reticence +was doubtless due to the fact that Henry's private affairs were +troubling you. Naturally, in the circumstances, you did not want to +talk about Henry." I shook Scudamour by the hand, telling him that he +had acted judiciously; but if I could have stabbed him quietly at that +moment I dare say I should have done it. I did not see Scudamour again +for a long time, for I took care to keep out of his way; but I heard +first from him and then of him. One day he wrote to me saying that his +nephew was going to Bombay, and would I be so good as to give the youth +an introduction to my brother Henry? He also asked me to dine with him +and his nephew. I declined the dinner, but I sent the nephew the +required note of introduction to Henry. The next I heard of Scudamour +was from Fenton. "By the way," said Fenton, "Scudamour is in Edinburgh +at present." I trembled, for Edinburgh is where Alexander lives. "What +has taken him there?" I asked, with assumed carelessness. Fenton +believed it was business; "but," he added, "Scudamour asked me to tell +you that he meant to call on Alexander, as he was anxious to see Henry's +children." A few days afterwards I had a telegram from Alexander, who +generally uses this means of communication when he corresponds with me. +"Do you know a man Scudamour? reply," was what Alexander said. I thought +of answering that we had met a man of that name when we were in Paris; +but, on the whole, replied boldly: "Know no one of the name of +Scudamour." About two months ago I passed Scudamour in Regent Street, +and he did not recognise me. This I could have borne if there had been +no more of Henry; but I knew that Scudamour was now telling everybody +about Henry's wife. By-and-by I got a letter from an old friend of +Alexander's, asking me if there was any truth in a report that Alexander +was going to Bombay. Soon afterwards Alexander wrote to me to say that +he had been told by several persons that I was going to Bombay. In +short, I saw that the time had come for killing Henry. So I told Fenton +that Henry had died of fever, deeply regretted; and asked him to be sure +to tell Scudamour, who had always been interested in the deceased's +welfare. The other day Fenton told me that he had communicated the sad +intelligence to Scudamour. "How did he take it?" I asked. "Well," Fenton +said, reluctantly, "he told me that when he was up in Edinburgh he did +not get on well with Alexander; but he expressed great curiosity as to +Henry's children." "Ah," I said, "the children were both drowned in the +Forth; a sad affair--we can't bear to talk of it." I am not likely to +see much of Scudamour again, nor is Alexander. Scudamour now goes about +saying that Henry was the only one of us he really liked. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +A NIGHT WITH A STORK. + +W. E. WILCOX. + + +Four individuals--namely, my wife, my infant son, my maid-of-all work, +and myself--occupy one of a row of very small houses in the suburbs of +London. I am a thoroughly domestic man, and notwithstanding that my +occupation necessitates absence from my mansion between the hours of +9 a.m. and 5 p.m., my heart is generally at home, with my diminutive +household. My wife, and I, love regularity and quiet above all things; +and although, since the arrival of my son, and heir, we had not enjoyed +that peace which we did during the first year of our married life, yet +his juvenile, though somewhat powerful, little lungs, had as yet failed +in making ours a noisy house. Our regularity had, moreover, remained +undisturbed, and we got up, went to bed, dined, breakfasted, and took +tea at the same time, day after day. + +We had been going on in this clockwork fashion for a year and a half, +when one morning the postman brought to our door a letter of ominous +appearance, and on looking at the direction, I found that it came from +an old, rich, and very eccentric uncle of mine, with whom, for certain +reasons, we wished to remain on the best of terms. "What can uncle +Martin have to write about?" was our simultaneous exclamation, and I +opened it with considerable curiosity. + + "MARTIN HOUSE, HERTS, _Oct._ 17, 18--. + + "DEAR NEPHEW,-- + + "You may perhaps have heard that I am forming an aviary here. A friend + in Rotterdam has written to me to say that he has sent by the boat, + which will arrive in London to-morrow afternoon, a very intelligent + parrot and a fine stork. As the vessel arrives too late for them to be + sent on the same night, I shall be obliged by your taking the birds + home, and forwarding them to me the next morning.--With my respects to + your good lady, + + "I remain your affectionate uncle, + "RALPH MARTIN." + +I said nothing, but got a book on natural history, and turned to +"Stork." With trembling fingers I passed over the fact of "his hind toe +being short, the middle too long, and joined to the outer one by a large +membrane, and by a smaller one to the inner toe," because that would not +matter much for one night; but I groaned out to my wife the pleasant +intelligence that "his height is four feet, his appetite extremely +voracious," and "his food--frogs, mice, worms, snails, and eels." Where +were we to provide a supper and breakfast of this description for him? + +I went to my office, and passed anything but a pleasant day, my thoughts +constantly reverting to our expected visitors. At four o'clock I took a +cab to the docks, and on arriving there, inquired for the ship, which +was pointed out to me as "the one with the crowd upon the quay." On +driving up, I discovered why there was a crowd, and the discovery did +not bring comfort with it. On the deck, on one leg, stood the stork. +Whether it was the sea-voyage, or the leaving his home, or, being a +stork of high moral principle, he was grieving at the continual, and +rather joyous and exulting swearing of the parrot, I do not know, but I +never saw a more melancholy looking object in my life. + +I went down on the deck, and did not like the expression of relief that +came over the captain's face when he found what I had come for. The +transmission of the parrot from the ship to the cab was an easy matter, +as he was in a cage, but the stork was merely tethered by one leg; and +although he did his best, when brought to the foot of the ladder, in +trying to get up, he failed utterly, and had to be half-shoved, +half-hauled, all the way--which, as he got astride, after the manner of +equestrians, on every other bar, was a work of some difficulty. I +hurried him into the cab, and ordering the man to drive as quickly as +possible, got in with my guests. At first, I had to keep dodging my head +about, to keep my face away from his bill as he turned round; but all of +a sudden he broke the little window at the back of the cab, thrust his +head through, and would keep it there, notwithstanding I kept pulling +him back. Consequently, when we drew up at my door, there was a mob of +about a thousand strong around us. I got him in as well as I could, and +shut the door. + +How can I describe the spending of that evening? how can I get +sufficient power out of the English language to let you know what a +nuisance that bird was to us? How can I tell you the cool manner in +which he inspected our domestic arrangements?--walking slowly into +rooms, and standing on one leg until his curiosity was satisfied; the +expression of wretchedness that he threw over his entire person when he +was tethered to the banisters, and had found out that, owing to our +limited accommodation, he was to remain in the hall all night; the way +in which he ate the snails specially provided for him, verifying to the +letter the naturalist's description of his appetite. How can you, who +have not had a stork staying with you, have any idea of the change which +came over his temper after his supper--how he pecked at everybody who +came near him; how he stood sentinel at the foot of the stairs; how my +wife and I made fruitless attempts to get past, followed by ignominious +retreats how; at last we outmanoeuvred him by throwing a table-cloth +over his head, and then rushing by him, gaining the top of the stairs +before he could disentangle himself. + +Added to all this, we had to endure language from that parrot which +would have disgraced a pothouse; indeed, so scurrilous did he become, +that we had to take him and lock him up in the coal-hole, where, from +fatigue, or the darkness of his bedroom, he soon swore himself to sleep. + +We were quite ready for rest, and the forgetfulness which, we hoped, +sleep, that "balm of hurt minds," would bring with it; but our peace was +not to last long. About 2 a.m., I was awakened by my wife, and told to +listen; I did so, and heard a sort of scrambling noise outside the door. +"What can that be?" thought I. "He has broken his string, and is coming +up stairs," said my wife; and then, remembering that the nursery door +was generally left open, she urged my immediately stopping his further +progress. "But, my dear," said I, "what am I to do in my present +defenceless state of clothing, if he should take to pecking?" My wife's +expression of the idea of my considering myself before the baby, +determined me at once, come what might, to go and do him battle. Out I +went, and sure enough there he was on the landing, resting himself, +after his unusual exertion, by tucking one leg up. He looked so subdued, +that I was about to take him by the string and lead him downstairs, when +he drew back his head, and in less time than it takes to relate, I was +back in my room, bleeding profusely from a very severe wound in my leg. +I shouted out to the nurse to shut the door, and determined to let the +infamous bird go where he liked. I bound up my leg and went to bed +again; but the thought that there was a stork wandering about the house, +prevented me from getting any more sleep. From certain sounds that we +heard, we had little doubt but that he was passing some of his time in +the cupboard where we kept our spare crockery, and an inspection the +next day confirmed this. + +In the morning I ventured cautiously out, and finding he was in our +spare bedroom, I shut the door upon him. I then went for a large sack, +and with the help of the table-cloth, and the boy who cleans our shoes, +we got him into it without any personal damage. I took him off in this +way to the station, and sent him and the parrot off to my uncle by the +first train. + +We have determined that, taking our chance about a place in my uncle's +will or not, we will never again have anything to do with any foreign +animals, however much he may ask and desire it. + + (_By permission of_ MESSRS. W. & R. CHAMBERS.) + + + + +THE FAITHFUL LOVERS. + +F. C. BURNAND. + + + I'd been away from her three years--about that-- + And I returned to find my Mary true, + And though I'd question her, I did not doubt that + It was unnecessary so to do. + + 'Twas by the chimney corner we were sitting, + "Mary," said I, "have you been always true?" + "Frankly," says she, just pausing in her knitting, + "I _don't_ think I've unfaithful been to you; + But for the three years past I'll tell you what + I've done; then say if I've been true or not. + + "When first you left, my grief was uncontrollable, + Alone I mourned my miserable lot, + And all who saw me thought me inconsolable, + Till Captain Clifford came from Aldershot; + To flirt with him amused me while 'twas new, + I don't count _that_ unfaithfulness. Do you? + + "The next--oh! let me see--was Frankie Phipps, + I met him at my uncle's Christmas-tide; + And 'neath the mistletoe, where lips met lips, + He gave me his first kiss"--and here she sighed; + "We stayed six weeks at uncle's--how time flew! + I don't count _that_ unfaithfulness. Do you? + + "Lord Cecil Fossmote, only twenty-one, + Lent me his horse. Oh, how we rode and raced! + We scoured the downs--we rode to hounds--such fun! + And often was his arm around my waist-- + That was to lift me up or down. But who + Would count _that_ as unfaithfulness? Do you? + + "Do you know Reggy Vere? Ah, how he sings! + We met--'twas at a picnic. Ah, such weather! + He gave me, look, the first of these two rings, + When we were lost in Cliefden Woods together. + Ah, what a happy time we spent, we two! + I don't count _that_ unfaithfulness to you. + + "I've yet another ring from him. D'you see + The plain gold circlet that is shining here?" + I took her hand: "Oh, Mary! Can it be + That you"--Quoth she, "that I am Mrs. Vere. + I don't count _that_ unfaithfulness. Do you?" + "_No," I replied, "for I am married, too._" + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +THE WAIL OF A BANNER-BEARER. + +ARTHUR MATTHISON. + + +Well, what if I am only a banner-bearer? There's bigger blokes than me +what begun as "supes," an' see where they've got to? _Why don't I get +there?_ Cause I ain't never had the chance. You just let me get a +"speaking part" as suits me, that's all! Oh--it "_would be all_," eh? +Why--but there! you're a baby in the purfession! you are! When you've +been Capting of the Guard, and Third Noble, and a Bandit Keerousin, and +First Hancient Bard, and Fourth in the Council of Ten what listens to +Otheller, and the Mob in the Capitol, and a Harcher of Merry England, +and a Peer of France, what doesn't speak, but has to look as if he could +say a lot; when you've been all this you may talk! _I needn't be +offended?_ All right, old pal; I ain't. Though I was 'urt when that +utilerty cove said as I was only a banner-bearer. "Only!" Why I should +like to know where they'd be without us--all them old spoutin' tragedy +merchants! They'd have no armies, consequently they couldn't rave at +'em, and lead 'em on to victory and things. They wouldn't 'ave no +sennits, so they'd 'ave to cut out their potent, grave, and reverent +seniors--an' that 'ud worry em. They wouldn't 'ave no hexited citizens, +and so they couldn't bury old Ceser nor praise him neither. They +couldn't strew no fields with no dead soldiers. They'd 'ave nobody to +chivy 'em when they come to the throne, or returned from the wars. They +couldn't 'ave no percessions; as for balls, and parties, and +torneymongs, why, they couldn't give 'em. And where 'ud they often be +without the "distant ollerings" behind the scenes, allus a-comin' nerer +and louder. Why, I remember a 'eavy lead one night, as had insulted his +army fearful, at rehearsal; he stops sudden, and thumps his breastplate, +and says, "'Ark, that toomult!" when there warn't no more toomult than +two flies 'ud make in a milk-jug. We jest cut off his toomult, and +quered his pitch, in a minnit, for the laugh come in 'ot. We're just as +much wanted as they are, make no error. + +Only a banner-bearer! "Only," be blow'd! Oh, don't you bother, I ain't +getting waxy. I'm only a standin' up for my purfession. What do you say? +_They could do without me in the modden drarmer?_ The modden drarmer, my +boy, ain't actin'! It's nothing but "cuff-shootin'." You just has to +stand against a mankel-shelf, with your hands in Poole's pockets, and +say nothing elegantly. You don't want no chest-notes; you don't want no +action; you don't want no exsitement; you don't want no lungs, no heart, +and no brain; only lungs an' soda, heart an' potash, brain an' selzer. +Everything's dilooted, my boy, for the modden drarmer; and the old +school, an' the old kostumes 'ud bust the sides and roof too of the +swell band-boxes, where they does the new school and the new kostumes. +_P'r'aps I'm right?_ Of course I'm right; and I'm in earnest, too! Why, +my boy, if they was to offer me an engagement as a "guest" in one of +them cuff-shootin' plays, and ask me to go on in evening-dress, I'm +blest if I wouldn't throw up the part. Trousers and white ties cramps +me. I wants a suit o' mail an' a 'alberd; a toonic, and my legs free; a +dagger in my teeth--not a tooth-pick; a battle-axe in my 'and--not a +crutch. I likes to be led to victory, I does. I likes to storm castles, +and trampel on the foe! I does. I likes to hang our banners on the +outward walls, I does. I'm a born banner-bearer, I am, and I glories in +it. No, my boy! none of your milk-and-water "guests," and such, for the +likes of me! An' if I was the Lord Chamberlain, I'd perhibit the modden +drarmer altogether. Them's my sentiments. If he don't perhibit it, +actin' 'ull soon be modden'd out of existence; an' we shall 'ave Macbeth +in a two guinea tourist suit, and Looy the Eleventh in nickerbockers, on +a bisykel. It's the old banner-bearing school as got us all our big +actors, an' it stands to reason, my boy; for a cove can't spred hisself +in a frock coat and droring-room langwidge. They're both on 'em too tame +for what I calls real actin'. What! you _have heard say as us +banner-bearers don't act--was only machines_? Well, some on us don't, +p'r'aps, but some on us does, and no mistake. + +You can't, as a rule, expect much feeling, much dignerty, much +patriertism, or much simperthy for a shillin' a night. If they was all +the real articles, they'd fetch a lot more than that; but there is +gentlemen in my line as goes in for all four--reg'lar comes nateral to +'em. Why, I've been that work'd on when I've seen Joan o'Hark goin' in a +perisher at the stake, an' makin' that last dyin' speech and confession +of hers, that I've felt a real 'art beat against my property +breast-plate, and felt real tears a tricklin' down to my false beard. +I've been so struck with admirashun for some Othellos, that when they've +been a addressin' of me as the sennit, I've felt as dignerfied as if I'd +been the Doag of Venice hisself, and I bet he looked it. + +As for patriertism, there isn't a man living as has died for his +country--willing, mind you--as often as I have; and I've strewed many a +bloody field of batel with a ernest corpse, I have. An' as far as +regards simperthy, it's stood in my way, for I've been that upset by +Queen Katherines and Prince Arthurs, and even old Shylock (for Grashyano +does giv' 'im a doin'), and Ophelias, and other sufferin' parties, as +I've often forgot my hexits and been fined a tanner; and if that ain't +actin', I should like to know what is. + +It's all very well for them noospaper crickets to harry us, and say as +we're a set o' this and a set o' the other, and that we ain't got no +hideas. They wouldn't 'ave many hideas if they wasn't paid more than a +shilling a night (with often twopence off to the hagent) for the use of +'em; the article's as good as the price, an' no mistake. Some on us gets +a bit more, and accordin' some on us gives a bit more; for there's first +heavy lead, and setterer, among the supes, just as there is among the +principles, don't make no error! _Have to do as the "stars" tell us?_ +Well, of course, we does, only if the stars don't treat us like gents, +we knows how to queer their pitches: rather! Why, it ain't so very long +since as I was a-playing a Roman Licktor in "Virginius," and when we was +a rehearsin' of it, 'im as played Happyus Clordyus called me a "pig." +"All right," says I, "aside" like, "I'll pig yer." Accordin', when night +comes, and he makes an exit in the third act, and says--didn't he enjoy +hisself with it--"And I shall surely see that they reseve it!" he chucks +his toger over his right shoulder, and turns round as magestick as a +beedle to walk off--well, some'ow, just then I drops my bundle of sticks +("fusses," they call 'em), all accidentle like, and Happyus Clordyus, +with his heyes in the hair, comes to grief, slap over 'em. He was the +un-happyest Clordyus all through that play as ever you see. What did he +call me a "pig" for, the idiot? + +"_Seem to be important, after all?_" Important! I should think we was! +There couldn't be no big drarmers without us, no gallant warryers, no +'owling mobs, no "Down with the tirants!" no briggands reposin', no +'appy pezzants, and no stage picturs of any account, if it warn't for +the supes and banner-bearers, as ought to be made more on and seen to a +bit better than they is; for what says the old Shyley, in the play, 'im +what old Phellups us'd to warm 'em up in? "What?" says he, "what! Hath +not a supe eyes, 'ands, horgans, somethin' else, and passions? fed with +the same food?--(no! Shakey, old man, he ain't!) Well, if you prick us, +don't us bleed? if we larf, don't you tickle us? and if you wrong us, +ain't we goin' to take it out of you, like I took it out o' Happyus +Clordyus?" _How I do wag?_ Well, ain't it enough to make me? Don't let +that 'ere utilerty cuff-shooter allood to me as "only a banner-bearer," +then! Let 'im, and all the others, treat us more respectful, and he and +them too 'ull find a feeling 'art and good manners too, at even a +shilling a night, though we could throw 'em in a lot; more of both for +an extra bob.--Good night, old man. + + (_By permission of_ MESSRS. ROUTLEDGE & SONS.) + + + + +THE DREAM OF THE BILIOUS BEADLE. + +ARTHUR SHIRLEY. + + + 'Twas in the grimy winter time, an evening cold and damp, + And four and twenty work'us boys, all of one ill-fed stamp, + Were blowing on blue finger tips, bent double with the cramp; + And when the skilly poured out fell into each urchin's pan + They swallowed it at such a pace as only boyhood can. + But the Beadle sat remote from all, a bilious-looking man-- + His hat was off, red vest apart, to catch the evening breeze: + He thought that that might cool his brow; it only made him sneeze, + So pressed his side with his hand, and tried to seem as if at ease. + + Heave after heave his waistcoat gave, to him was peace denied, + It tortured him to see them eat, he couldn't though he tried! + Good fare had made him much too fat, and rather goggle-eyed; + At length he started to his feet, some hurried steps he took, + Now up the ward, now down the ward, with wild dyspeptic look, + And lo! he saw a work'us boy, who read a penny book-- + "You beastly brat! What is't you're at? I warrant 'tis no good! + What's this? 'The life of Turpin Bold!' or 'Death of Robin Hood'?" + "It's '_Hessays on the Crumpet_,' sir, as a harticle of food!" + + He started from that boy as tho' in's ear he'd blown a trumpet, + His hand he pressed upon his chest, then with his fist did thump it, + And down he sat beside the brat and talked about The Crumpet. + How now and then that muffin men of whom tradition tells, + By pastry trade, fortunes had made, and come out awful swells, + While their old patrons suffered worse than Irving in "The Bells!" + "And well, I know," said he, "forsooth, for plenty have I bought, + The sufferings of foolish folk who eat more than they ought. + + "With pepsine pills and liver pads is their consumption fraught, + Oh! oh! my boy, my pauper boy! Take my advice, 'tis best shun + All such tempting tasty things, tho' nice beyond all question, + Unless you wish like me to feel the pangs of indigestion! + One, who had ever made me long--a muffin man and old-- + I watched into a public-house, he called for whisky cold, + And for one moment left his stock within green baize enrolled. + I crept up to them, thinking what an appetite I'd got, + I gloated o'er them lying there elastic and all hot; + I thought of butter laid on thick, and then I prigged the lot! + + "I took them home, I toasted them, p'raps upwards of a score, + And never had so fine a feast on luscious fare before, + 'And now,' I said, 'I'll go to bed, and dream of eating more.' + All night I lay uneasily, and rolled from side to side, + At first without one wink of sleep, no matter how I tried; + And then I dreamt I was a 'bus, and gurgled 'Full inside!' + I was a 'bus by nightmares drawn on to some giddy crest, + Now launched like lightning through the air, now stop'd and now + compressed; + I felt a million muffin men were seated on my chest! + + "I heard their bells--their horrid bells--in sound as loud as trumpets, + Oh, curses on ye, spongy tribe! Ye cruffins and ye mumpets! + I must be mad! I mean to say ye muffins and ye crumpets! + Then came a chill like Wenham ice; then hot as hottest steam; + I could not move a single limb! I could not even scream! + You pauper brat, remember that all this was but a dream!" + + The boy gazed on his troubled brow, from which big drops were oozing, + And for the moment all respect for his dread function losing, + Made this remark, "Well, blow me tight, our Beadle's been a-boozing!" + That very week, before the beak, they brought that beadle burly; + He pleaded guilty in a tone dyspeptically surly, + And he lives still at Pentonville with hair not long or curly! + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +MY FRIEND TREACLE. + +WATKIN-ELLIOTT. + + +"So Charley is going to marry 'the most charming girl in the world'!" I +ejaculated, after a hearty laugh over the following epistle from my old +friend:-- + + "DEAR BOB,-- + + "I am going to do for myself in earnest; no humbug this time. 'For + better or for worse,' and if it turns out the latter it will be a + scrape no one can get me out of. Of course, you understand I am about + to marry, and I need not add _she_ is the most charming girl in the + world: fair, sky-blue eyes, silk-worm--I mean spun silk hair, lovely + in fact! Come and be my best man: do, old fellow! You have backed me + up lots of times before, and although we have lost sight of one + another since 'we were boys together,' that goes for nothing between + us--does it? Write by return, and say you will support me: I have a + dread that I shall marry the wrong girl, or allow some one else to + marry Lucy--that's _her_ name!--or do something unlucky, unless you + look after me. + + "Yours, as ever, + "CHARLEY BOSTON. + + "P.S.--It comes off in a fortnight." + +"'It,'--well that is vague enough, but I suppose he means the happy +event. Ye gods and little fishes!--to call a marriage 'it'! but that is +like Boston. And 'sure to do something unlucky,' are you? Well, I guess +you are not the 'Treacle' of old unless you get into some quandary over +it," I muttered; and then I threw myself back in my chair and laughed +again as some of our adventures, when we were at Dr. Omega's school--I +mean college--presented themselves to my mind. + +Glorious times those! looking back upon them now, although we did not +value them, in our careless youth, at their full worth. + +Treacle's--_i.e._, Boston's--daring always led him to some adventure, +and I always backed him up--in a feeble way, perhaps,--and we always got +found out somehow, and got our deserts in a manner more satisfactory to +lovers of justice than to ourselves. Stunning times! + +The very fact of our being punished for the same crime, and at the same +time, was a bond of union between Treacle and myself. + +"One touch of sympathy," or one touch of the rod, made us kin in a +manner very peculiar;--a fellow feeling made us wondrous kind and +sympathetic. + +You talk of little dinners and little suppers in these days, and think +them epicurean feasts!--but, be really hungry--hungry as a school-boy, +and enjoy a little supper off kippered herring _on the sly_--that _is_ a +feast, if you like. Such feasts as these we enjoyed at Mother Kemp's, +down the village, when the Doctor, tutors, and monitors imagined us +safely tucked in our little beds. + +Looking upon Mother Kemp, in those days, I thought her a good fairy +disguised as a witch. Looking back upon her, with manhood's enlightened +judgment, I think she was an unprincipled old woman, who traded on our +weaknesses. I confess myself to have been a hungry boy,--Boston, with a +penitence which did him credit, used to confess the same: we both had a +propensity to come through our trouser-legs and sleeve-jackets, and, +what was worse, could not help ourselves doing so. + +Boston was of an ingenious turn of mind, and it was he who suggested +that those boys, who could afford to be hungry with any satisfaction to +themselves, should club together for a supper at Mother Kemp's once +a-week; and it was through one of these suppers, or the search for one, +that he got his sweet sobriquet of "Treacle." + +He having made the suggestion, we elected him chief of our expeditions, +and thus to a certain extent he held the fate of our appetites in his +hands. + +One night we had escaped, as usual, by means of a rope-ladder made by +Boston, from the window of the room of which I was senior boy, to Mother +Kemp's in the village. + +Mother Kemp kept a general shop--that is to say, she retailed tallow, +treacle, rope, bacon, herrings, soap, cottons, tops, balls, butter, +sweets, and so forth; and she not only, as a rule, sold us a supper out +of her heterogeneous store, but cooked it, if needs were, and served it +for us in her back parlour--that is, _if we could_ pay ready cash down. + +This night of which I speak we could not. We had appealed to Madame +Kemp's motherly heart for "trust," in vain, and we were returning home +in a state of double the hunger to that in which we had started, on +account of our hopes being unfulfilled, when Charlie Boston made a +remark in a melancholy tone: it was-- + +"I wonder if the pantry window is open." + +We eyed him askance and in silence. + +"And if," with a frown of determination on his brow, "there is +_anything_ inside!" + +Then we knew we were "in" for something, be it to eat or feel, and +followed him half in hope, half in fear. + +The window was open. Looking upon that casement from my point of view +now, I decide it was an architectural folly, being no more than seven +feet from the ground, and innocent of bars or protection of any kind, +and moreover large enough for any one of moderate size to creep through. + +From our point of view, then, we thought it a very jolly contrivance. + +"Hurrah!" shouted Boston, _sotto voce_--in fact, very much _sotto +voce_--"we will indeed sup at the doctor's expense to-night, bless +him!--eh, boys?" + +Either to the supper or blessing we assented, joyfully; but when our +chief asked who was for reconnoitring, the question was received in +silence. + +"Suppose it is missed in the morning--I mean, _what we eat_," suggested +some one, timidly. + +"Cats!" settled Boston with laconic contempt. + +"But cats don't eat cheese, and--" + +"Bah! cats eat _anything_, from mice to stewed-eels' feet. Who will +follow if I lead?" + +"Couldn't you get in and hand something out?" asked another, coolly. + +"Wish you may get it. Travers, _you_ will follow, will you not?" + +"Yes," I replied, with a little inward shudder. "'Lead on, Macduff, +and'--and, what you may call it, be him that first cries 'Hold, +enough!'" + +"Old enough for what?" queried the wit of the party. + +"Look here, Jenkins, don't you be a fool; this is not the time for vile +puns, or Shakspeare either," with a frown at me. + +"It will take a jolly long time for us all to get in one after the +other," I ruminated upon this snub. + +"And a jollier long time to get out, if we want to, in a hurry," +suggested the timid one. + +"That is true," agreed the chief. "We will toss up, and 'odd man' goes +in and hands out--eh?" + +Faint applause. + +But the idea was not carried out, because, upon reflection, we +remembered Mother Kemp had our last coin. + +"Never mind," cried Boston, in his happy dare-all way. "I'll do it! Lend +me a back, somebody, and keep a sharp look out, mind!" + +We lent him a back with alacrity, it being a cheap and easy loan, and he +drew himself up. + +"I see a pie!" he cried, and the words revived us. "Supposing it is +steak!" + +We supposed, and felt more hungry than ever. + +Then we watched him with increased interest, as he squeezed his body +through the casement, paused a moment to recover breath, descended +gradually and carefully, and--Heavens, what was that? There was a +scuffle and a gasp. Was it the doctor? + +I think at this juncture my knees began to tremble; so I cannot describe +what the other sounds in the pantry were--at least, not with any +accuracy. + +"I say," began some one of our party--he was always doing that, saying +"I say," and stopping short; a nasty habit, you know, for when one's +nerves are unstrung it makes you anxious, not to say alarmed. + +"Old Omega!" whispered another in an awed tone. + +"Can't be; there's no talking." + +"No, because he's such an artful old fox; he thinks he'll catch us +all!--Eh?" + +The "eh" was to one who thought he had "_better go and see if the ladder +was there all right_." + +It ended in their all going for the same commendable purpose, and +leaving me behind to look after Boston. I was very much inclined to +follow them, I confess, but I liked my friend too much to leave him, so, +having a regard for my own personal safety, I got behind a laurel and +waited. + +"Silence there, and nothing more." + +_Could_ it be the doctor! Could the doctor keep his anger so long +bottled up--even to catch the rest of us--without bursting? + +I thought not: he would have had a fit by this time. + +In those days I remember revolving in my mind the advantage I would gain +if Dr. Omega did have a fit and died. It was very horrible of me, of +course, but then I was a boy, and as I looked at the doctor's purple +visage--_was_ it coloured by the liquid et cetera?--I decided that if he +were removed, no matter how, I might have a jolly holiday until another +authority was placed over me, or I placed under another authority. + +O, it was wicked of me, I know, _terribly_ wicked!--but true. Mais +revenons ą Boston. If it is not the doctor in there with him, it may be +the cook, I revolved behind the bushes. The cook ought to be in bed, by +this time--so ought I: I was not, that was a certainty, perhaps the cook +was not; if not--why it was very wrong of her not to be, I concluded +virtuously. + +The moments passed, and still no sound from the pantry of voices. _Had_ +Charley fallen down in a fit instead of the doctor? I crept from my +hiding place and essayed a faint whistle, recognised by us all as a +call. + +No answer. + +"Boston!" I ejaculated, feeling sure now that the doctor could not +possibly be there. + +Then, as I watched the casement, as anxiously as any lover could that of +his mistress, I saw something appear at it: by the light of the moon it +looked _black_ and _shiny_. If the shock had not deprived me of motion I +should have fled. I could not flee, so I stood bravely to my post and +shook like a jelly. + +What was it? I felt like Hamlet when he saw the ghost of his father; but +I did not apostrophize it--I knew better,--at least I had not +sufficient choice Shakespearian language at my tongue's end to do so +becomingly. + +"Travers?" + +"Angels and ministers"--my name in Boston's voice. In a moment the +roaring in my ears ceased, and my muscles gained strength. + +"Is that _you_, Charley?" I asked, sensibly enough. + +"Phew!" + +"Why--why, hang it, Boston, what's up--eh?" + +"'Up!'--all over me--choking me--Treacle!" gasped my friend, creeping +through the window, with difficulty, as he spoke, and losing his +balance, as he reached the ground, he fell against me, stuck to me, +disengaged himself, and finally stood upright. + +"Treacle!" I ejaculated with a roar, which even though the doctor might +have heard I could not suppress, as Charley began clearing out his eyes +and mouth with his already sticky fists. + +"Yes, _treacle_," crossly. "You needn't laugh like that, Bob, and make +such a confounded fool of yourself," he growled. "I stumbled, somehow, +and fell face forward into a pan of it. Don't make such a row, Travers!" +as I continued my cachination and held my aching sides, "I might have +been smothered for all _you_ would have cared. By Jove! smothered in +treacle! Why a butt of Malmsey would be a natural death in comparison." + +"The treacle we have for our puddings and with our brimstone?" I gasped +at last. + +"Yes." Here the ludicrous aspect of affairs struck the martyr, and he +joined me in my merriment. + +"I didn't know where I was going until I was in it," he continued. "Ugh! +I shall hate treacle like poison for the rest of my life! Where are the +other fellows?" + +"Sneaked away; thought Omega had caught you." + +"Cowards!" + +At this moment a low whistle, a danger signal, from the boys just +denounced, caused us to hurry from the spot, and reaching the rope +ladder, we were up it like cats, gaining our room just in time to find +that, by the light shining under the door, some one was on the alert. + +"Get under my bed!" I whispered to Charley, as his escape to his own +room was cut off. + +In his hurry and confusion, he got _into_ it. I had no time to demur, +and jumped in after him, just as the doctor, suspicious and austere, +entered, candlestick in hand. + +"Noise in number three: senior boy, report." + +I, senior boy, reported, and replied by a nasal demonstration which I +flattered myself was a very good imitation of a sound snore. + +"Robert Travers!" in a voice which might, almost, have awakened the +dead. + +"Sir," replied I--Robert--as sleepily as I could. + +"Somebody walking about this room, and talking." + +If brevity is the soul of wit, then old Omega was the wittiest fellow I +ever came across,--although he never _looked_ it. + +He always spoke sharply and to the point, and gave us our due in the +same manner. + +Now, as he jerked his sentence out, he approached nearer. Charley, like +a certain big bird, seemed to fancy that, because his own face was +hidden and he could see no one, it followed that no one could see him; +whereas, half his head was exposed to view. + +I sat up in bed, hurriedly giving my companion a vicious kick of +caution, as I explained to the doctor that "little Simpson walked and +talked in his sleep;" at which "little Simpson," in a corner of the +room, groaned audibly. + +"Simpson, junior, what do you mean by walking in your sleep, sir?" + +Simpson groaned again, and the doctor, thinking he was snoring, +continued,-- + +"He eats too much; must diet him. A dose of brimstone and treacle (I +felt Boston jump) in the morning will do him good--cooling. Remind me, +Travers. By the way, sir, how comes it you are awake?" + +"Please, sir, you woke me--awakened me, sir," I stammered. + +"Hem," doubtfully. "Whom have you in bed with you--eh?" as Boston, +rendered uncomfortable by his sticky face, had moved. + +"With _me_, sir?" I murmured, vaguely. + +"Yes, sir, with you. Come out, whoever it is!" roared Omega, without +further parley. + +But Boston remained still as a mouse. + +Struck dumb with anger and astonishment, that a boy should have the +impudence to stop in when _he_ ordered him to come out, the doctor +strode round to Charley's side, and laid hands on the miscreant to have +him out by force; but, no sooner had he felt the viscous state of our +hero, than he withdrew them precipitately, with the pious ejaculation,-- + +"Good heavens! What is the matter with him!" + +"Necessitas non habet legem." + +I, being senior boy, had to report. I did so, tremblingly, and imitated +the doctor in my brevity. + +"Matter, sir--treacle, sir." + +"Treacle!" in a voice of concentrated thunder, if you know what that is +like. + +"His mother sent him a pot of treacle, sir, and he--and he thought it +was pomatum, sir, and--and----" my imaginative powers fell before the +lightning of the doctor's glance. + +"_Whose_ mother?" + +"Boston's, sir." + +"Boston, come out!" + +And Boston, after some little delay caused in having to detach himself +from surroundings, came forth like a lamb--I mean, like a black sheep. + +"What the dev----!" + +But I draw a curtain over the rest; the doctor was profane, and he hurt +my feelings _very much_. + +Poor old Treacle! The name stuck to him ever after. + +Well, I went to his wedding, and with the exception that at the critical +part of the ceremony he dropped the ring, which, after we had all +scrambled on our knees for, was found in the bride's veil, he went +through the "happiest day of his life" without a mistake. + +As for myself, in searching for that ring, I knocked my head against +Treacle's sister's, and it upset me. A thrill went through me, which was +most painfully pleasant. At the breakfast-table I became sentimental; in +making my speech for the ladies, I caught her--Treacle's sister's--eye, +she smiled, and I lost the thread of my discourse. It was a very slender +thread, and I never found it again until, one day, I was wandering round +somebody's garden with my arm round Treacle's sister's waist, and,--but +that doesn't matter! She is a jolly little thing, though--Treacle's +sister is. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +THE VOICE OF THE SLUGGARD. + +ANONYMOUS. + + + Have you brought my boots, Jemima? Leave them at my chamber door. + Does the water boil, Jemima? Place it also on the floor. + Eight o'clock already, is it? How's the weather--pretty fine? + Eight is tolerably early; I can get away by nine. + Still I feel a little sleepy, though I came to bed at one. + Put the bacon on, Jemima; see the eggs are nicely done! + I'll be down in twenty minutes--or, if possible, in less; + I shall not be long, Jemima, when I once begin to dress. + She is gone, the brisk Jemima; she is gone, and little thinks + How the sluggard yearns to capture yet another forty winks, + Since the bard is human only--not an early village cock-- + Why should he salute the morning at the hour of eight o'clock? + Stifled be the voice of Duty; Prudence, prythee, cease to chide, + While I turn me softly, gently, round upon my other side. + Sleep, resume thy downy empire; reassert thy sable reign! + Morpheus, why desert a fellow? Bring those poppies here again! + What's the matter, now, Jemima? Nine o'clock? It cannot be! + Hast prepared the eggs, the bacon, and the matutinal tea? + Take away the jug, Jemima, go, replenish it anon; + Since the charm of its caloric must be very nearly gone. + She has left me. Let me linger till she reappears again, + Let my lazy thoughts meander in a free and easy vein. + After Sleep's profoundest solace, nought refreshes like the doze. + Should I tumble off, no matter; she will wake me, I suppose. + Bless me, is it you, Jemima? Mercy on us, what a knock? + Can it be--I can't believe it--actually ten o'clock? + I will out of bed and shave me. Fetch me warmer water up! + Let the tea be strong, Jemima, I shall only want a cup! + Stop a minute! I remember some appointment by the way, + 'Twould have brought me mints of money; 'twas for ten o'clock to-day. + Let me drown my disappointment, Slumber, in thy seventh heaven! + You may go away, Jemima. Come and call me at eleven! + + (_From the "Leeds Mercury."_) + + + + +ARTEMUS WARD'S VISIT TO THE TOWER OF LONDON. + +CH. FARRAR BROWNE. + + +I skurcely need inform you that the Tower is very pop'lar with pe'ple +from the agricultooral districks, and it was chiefly them class which I +found waitin' at the gates the other mornin'. + +I saw at once that the Tower was established on a firm basis. In the +entire history of firm basises, I don't find a basis more firmer than +this one. + +"You have no Tower in America?" said a man in the crowd, who had somehow +detected my denomination. + +"Alars! no," I ansered; "we boste of our enterprise and improovements, +and yit we are devoid of a Tower. America, oh my onhappy country! thou +hast not got no Tower! It's a sweet Boon." + +The gates were opened after a while, and we all purchist tickets, and +went into a waitin' room. + +"My frens," said a pale-faced little man, in black close, "that is a sad +day." + +"Inasmuch as to how?" I said. + +"I mean it is sad to think that so many peple have been killed within +these gloomy walls. My frens, let us drop a tear." + +"No!" I said, "you must excuse me. Others may drop one if they feel like +it; but as for me, I decline. The early managers of this institootion +were a bad lot, and their crimes were trooly orful; but I can't sob for +those who died four or five hundred years ago. If they was my own +relations I couldn't. It's absurd to shed sobs over things which occurd +during the rain of Henry the Three. Let us be cheerful," I continnered. +"Look at the festiv Warders, in their red flannel jackets. They are +cheerful, and why should it not be thusly with us?" + +A Warder now took us in charge, and showed us the Trater's Gate, the +armers, and things. The Trater's Gate is wide enuff to admit about +twenty traters abrest, I should jedge; but beyond this, I couldn't see +that it was superior to gates in gen'ral. + +Traters, I will here remark, are an onforchunit class of pe'ple. If they +wasn't, they wouldn't be traters. They conspire to bust up a +country--they fail, and they're traters. They bust her, and they become +statesmen and heroes. + +Take the case of Gloster, afterwards Old Dick the Three, who may be seen +at the Tower on horseback, in a heavy tin overcoat--take Mr. Gloster's +case. Mr. G. was a conspirator of the basist dye, and if he'd failed, he +would have been hung on a sour apple tree. But Mr. G. succeeded and +became great. He was slewed by Col. Richmond, but he lives in history, +and his equestrian figger may be seen daily for a sixpence, in +conjunction with other em'nent persons, and no extra charge for the +Warder's able and bootiful lectur. + +There's one King in this room who is mounted onto a foaming steed, his +right hand graspin a barber's pole. I didn't learn his name. + +The room where the daggers and pistils and other weppins is kept is +interestin. Among this collection of choice cutlery I notist the bow and +arrer which those hot-heded old chaps used to conduct battles with. It +is quite like the bow and arrer used at this date by certain tribes of +American Injuns, and they shoot 'em off with such an excellent precision +that I almost sigh'd to be an Injun when I was in the Rocky Mountain +regin. They are a pleasant lot, them Injuns. Mr. Cooper and Dr. Catlin +have told us of the red man's wonderful eloquence, and I found it so. +Our party was stopt on the plains of Utah by a band of Shoshones, whose +chief said:-- + +"Brothers! the pale-face is welcome. Brothers! the sun is sinking in the +west, and Wa-na-bucky-she will soon cease speakin. Brothers! the poor +red man belongs to a race which is fast becomin extink." + +He then whooped in a shrill manner, stole our blankets, and whisky, and +fled to the primeval forest to conceal his emotions. + +I will remark here, while on the subjeck of Injuns, that they are in the +main a very shaky set, with even less sense than the Fenians; and when I +hear philanthropists bewailin the fack that every year "carries the +noble red man nearer the settin sun," I simply have to say I'm glad of +it, tho' it is rough on the settin sun. They call you by the sweet name +of Brother one minit, and the next they scalp you with their +Thomas-hawks. But I wander. Let us return to the Tower. + +At one end of the room where the weppins is kept, is a wax figger of +Queen Elizabeth, mounted on a fiery stuffed hoss, whose glass eye +flashes with pride, and whose red morocker nostril dilates hawtily, as +if, conscious of the royal burden he bears. I have associated Elizabeth +with the Spanish Armady. She's mixed up with it at the Surrey Theatre, +where _Troo to the Core_ is bein acted, and in which a full bally core +is introjooced on board the Spanish Admiral's ship, givin' the audiens +the idea that he intends openin a moosic-hall in Plymouth the moment he +conkers that town. But a very interestin drammer is _Troo to the Core_, +notwithstandin the eccentric conduct of the Spanish Admiral; and very +nice it is in Queen Elizabeth to make Martin Truegold a baronet. + +The Warder shows us some instrooments of tortur, such as thumbscrews, +throat collars, etc., statin' that these was conkered from the Spanish +Armady, and addin what a crooil peple the Spaniards was in them +days--which elissited from a bright-eyed little girl of about twelve +summers the remark that she tho't it was rich to talk about the crooilty +of the Spaniards usin thumbscrews, when he was in a tower where so many +poor peple's heads had been cut off. This made the Warder stammer and +turn red. + +I was so pleased with the little girl's brightness that I could have +kissed the dear child, and I would if she'd been six years older. + +I think my companions intended makin a day of it, for they all had +sandwiches, sassiges, etc. The sad-lookin man, who had wanted us to drop +a tear afore we started to go round, fling'd such quantities of sassige +into his mouth that I expected to see him choke hisself to death; he +said to me, in the Beauchamp Tower, where the poor prisoners writ their +onhappy names on the cold walls, "This is a sad sight." + +"It is indeed," I ansered. "You're black in the face. You shouldn't eat +sassige in public without some rehearsals beforehand. You manage it +orkwardly." + +"No," he said, "I mean this sad room." + +Indeed, he was quite right. Tho' so long ago all these drefful things +happened, I was very glad to git away from this gloomy room, and go +where the rich and sparklin Crown Jewils is kept. I was so pleased with +the Queen's Crown, that it occurd to me what a agree'ble surprise it +would be to send a sim'lar one home to my wife; and I asked the Warder +what was the vally of a good well-constructed Crown like that. He told +me, but on cypherin up with a pencil the amount of funs I have in the +Jint Stock Bank, I conclooded I'd send her a genteel silver watch +instid. + +And so I left the Tower. It is a solid and commandin edifis, but I deny +that it is cheerful. I bid it adoo without a pang. + + (_From_ "PUNCH," _by permission of the Proprietors_.) + + + + +MR. CAUDLE HAS LENT AN ACQUAINTANCE THE FAMILY UMBRELLA. + +DOUGLAS JERROLD. + + +"That's the third umbrella gone since Christmas. _What were you to do?_ +Why let him go home in the rain, to be sure. I'm very certain there was +nothing about _him_ that could spoil. Take cold, indeed! He doesn't look +like one of the sort to take cold. Besides, he'd have better taken cold +than take our only umbrella. Do you hear the rain, Mr. Caudle? I say, do +you hear the rain? And as I'm alive, if it isn't St. Swithin's day! Do +you hear it, against the windows? Nonsense; you don't impose upon me. +You can't be asleep with such a shower as that! Do you hear it, I say? +Oh, you _do_ hear it! Well, that's a pretty flood, I think, to last for +six weeks; and no stirring all the time out of the house. Pooh! don't +think me a fool, Mr. Caudle. Don't insult _me_. _He_ return the +umbrella! Anybody would think you were born yesterday. As if anybody +ever _did_ return an umbrella! There--do you hear it? Worse and worse? +Cats and dogs, and for six weeks--always six weeks. And no umbrella! + +"I should like to know how the children are to go to school to-morrow? +They shan't go through such weather, I'm determined. No: they shall +stop at home and never learn anything--the blessed creatures!--sooner +than go and get wet. And when they grow up, I wonder who they'll have to +thank for knowing nothing--who, indeed, but their father? People who +can't feel for their own children ought never to be fathers. + +"But I know why you lent the umbrella. Oh, yes; I know very well. I was +going out to tea at dear mother's to-morrow--you knew that; and you did +it on purpose. Don't tell me; you hate me to go there, and take every +mean advantage to hinder me. But don't you think it, Mr. Caudle. No, +sir; if it comes down in buckets-full, I'll go all the more. No: and I +won't have a cab, where do you think the money's to come from? You've +got nice high notions at that club of yours. A cab, indeed! Cost me +sixteen-pence at least--sixteen pence! two and sixpence, for there's +back again. Cabs, indeed! I should like to know who's to pay for 'em; I +can't pay for 'em; and I'm sure you can't, if you go on as you do; +throwing away your property, and beggaring your children--buying +umbrellas! + +"Do you hear the rain, Mr. Caudle? I say, do you hear it? But I don't +care--I'll go to mother's to-morrow, I will; and what's more, I'll walk +every step of the way--and you know that will give me my death. Don't +call me a foolish woman, it's you that's the foolish man. You know I +can't wear clogs; and with no umbrella, the wet's sure to give me a +cold--it always does. But what do you care for that? Nothing at all. I +may be laid up for what you care, as I dare say I shall--and a pretty +doctor's bill there'll be. I hope there will! It will teach you to lend +your umbrellas again. I shouldn't wonder if I caught my death; yes; and +that's what you lent the umbrella for. Of course! + +"Nice clothes I shall get too, trapesing through weather like this. My +gown and bonnet will be spoilt quite. _Needn't I wear 'em, then?_ +Indeed, Mr. Caudle, I _shall_ wear 'em. No, sir, I'm not going out a +dowdy to please you or anybody else. Gracious knows! it isn't often that +I step over the threshold; indeed, I might as well be a slave at +once,--better, I should say. But when I do go out, Mr. Caudle, I choose +to go like a lady. Oh! that rain--if it isn't enough to break in the +windows. + +"Ugh! I do look forward with dread for to-morrow! How I am to go to +mother's I'm sure I can't tell. But if I die, I'll do it. No, sir; I +won't borrow an umbrella. No; and you shan't buy one. Now, Mr. Caudle, +only listen to this; if you bring home another umbrella, I'll throw it +in the street. I'll have my own umbrella, or none at all. + +"Ha! and it was only last week I had a new nozzle put to that umbrella. +I'm sure, if I'd have known as much as I do now, it might have gone +without one for me. Paying for new nozzles, for other people to laugh at +you. Oh, it's all very well for you--you can go to sleep. You've no +thought of your poor patient wife, and your own dear children. You think +of nothing but lending umbrellas. + +"Men, indeed!--call themselves lords of the creation!--pretty lords, +when they can't even take care of an umbrella. + +"I know that walk to-morrow will be the death of me. But that's what you +want--then you may go to your club, and do as you like--and then, nicely +my poor dear children will be used--but then, sir, then you'll be happy. +Oh, don't tell me! I know you will. Else you'd never have lent the +umbrella! + +"You have to go on Thursday about that summons; and, of course, you +can't go. No, indeed, you _don't_ go without the umbrella. You may lose +the debt for what I care--it won't be so much as spoiling your +clothes--better lose it: people deserve to lose debts who lend +umbrellas! + +"And I should like to know how I'm to go to mother's without the +umbrella? Oh, don't tell me that I said I would go--that's nothing to do +with it; nothing at all. She'll think I'm neglecting her, and the little +money we were to have, we shan't have at all--because we've no umbrella. + +"The children, too! Dear things! They'll be sopping wet: for they shan't +stop at home--they shan't lose their learning; it's all their father +will leave 'em, I'm sure. But they _shall_ go to school. Don't tell me I +said they shouldn't: you are so aggravating, Caudle; you'd spoil the +temper of an angel. They _shall_ go to school; mark that. And if they +get their deaths of cold, it's not my fault--I didn't lend the +umbrella!" + + * * * * * + +"At length," writes Caudle, "I fell asleep; and dreamt that the sky was +turned into green calico, with whalebone ribs; that, in fact, the whole +world turned round under a tremendous umbrella!" + + (_By permission of_ MESSRS. BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO.) + + + + +DOMESTIC ASIDES. + +TOM HOOD. + + + "I really take it very kind, + This visit, Mrs. Skinner, + I have not seen you such an age-- + (The wretch has come to dinner!) + + "Your daughters, too, what loves of girls-- + What heads for painters' easels! + Come here, and kiss the infant, dears-- + (And give it, p'raps, the measles!) + + "Your charming boys I see are home + From Reverend Mr. Russell's; + 'Twas very kind to bring them both-- + (What boots for my new Brussels!) + + "What! little Clara left at home? + Well now, I call that shabby: + I should have loved to kiss her so-- + (A flabby, dabby, babby!) + + "And Mr. S., I hope he's well, + Ah! though he lives so handy, + He never drops in now to sup-- + (The better for our brandy!) + + "Come, take a seat--I long to hear + About Matilda's marriage; + You've come, of course, to spend the day! + (Thank heaven, I hear the carriage!) + + "What! must you go? Next time I hope + You'll give me longer measure; + Nay--I shall see you down the stairs-- + (With most uncommon pleasure!) + + "Good-bye! good-bye! remember all, + Next time you'll take your dinners! + (Now, David, mind I'm not at home + In future to the Skinners!") + + (_By permission of_ MESSRS. WARD, LOCK, & CO.) + + + + +THE CHARITY DINNER. + +LITCHFIELD MOSELEY. + + +TIME: half-past six o'clock. Place: The London Tavern. Occasion: +Fifteenth Annual Festival of the Society for the Distribution of +Blankets and Top-Boots among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands. + +On entering the room, we find more than two hundred noblemen, and +gentlemen already assembled; and the number is increasing every minute. +There are many well-known city diners here this evening. That very +ordinary looking personage, with the rubicund complexion and pimply +features, is old Moneypenny, senior partner of the great firm of +Moneypenny, Blodgers, and Wobbles, corn factors of Mark Lane. He began +the world as a fellowship porter, and always makes a rule of attending +the principal dinners at the London Tavern, "because," as he says +confidentially, to Wobbles, "don't you see, my boy, it's a very cheap +way of getting into society." He is talking now to Sir Sandy McHaggis, a +Scotch baronet, with a slender purse and a large appetite, with whom he +has scraped an acquaintance, and presented with a spare ticket for the +festival; knowing that the Scotchman is "varra fond o' a gude dinner, +specially when it costs a mon nothing at all." The preparations are now +complete, and we are in readiness to receive the chairman. After a short +pause, a little door at the end of the room opens, and the great man +appears, attended by an admiring circle of stewards and toadies, +carrying white wands, like a parcel of charity-school boys bent on +beating the bounds. He advances smilingly to his post at the principal +table, amid deafening and long-continued cheers. + +He is a very popular man, this chairman; for is he not the Earl of +Mount-Stuart, late one of Her Majesty's Cabinet Ministers? and his +wealth and party influence are known to be enormous. + +The dinner now makes its appearance, and we yield up ourselves to the +enjoyments of eating and drinking. These important duties finished, and +grace having been beautifully sung by the vocalists, the real business +of the evening commences. The usual loyal toasts having been given, the +noble chairman rises, and, after passing his fingers through his hair, +he places his thumbs in the armholes of his waistcoat, gives a short +preparatory cough, accompanied by a vacant stare round the room, and +commences as follows:-- + + "MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN--It is with mingled pleasure and regret that I + appear before you this evening: of pleasure, to find that this + excellent and world-wide-known society is in so promising a + condition; and, of regret, that you have not chosen a worthier + chairman; in fact, one who is more capable than myself of dealing with + a subject of such vital importance as this. (Loud cheers). But, + although I may be unworthy of the honour, I am proud to state that I + have been a subscriber to this society from its commencement; feeling + sure that nothing can tend more to the advancement of civilization, + social reform, fireside comfort, and domestic economy among the + cannibals, than the diffusion of blankets and top-boots. (Tremendous + cheering, which lasts for several minutes.) Here, in this England of + ours, which is an island surrounded by water, as I suppose you all + know--or, as our great poet so truthfully and beautifully expresses + the same fact, 'England bound in by the triumphant sea'--what, down + the long vista of years, have conduced more to our successes in arms, + and arts and song, than blankets? Indeed, I never gaze upon a blanket + without my thoughts reverting fondly to the days of my early + childhood. Where should we all have been now but for those warm and + fleecy coverings? My Lords and Gentlemen! Our first and tender + memories are all associated with blankets: blankets when in our + nurses' arms, blankets in our cradles, blankets in our cribs, blankets + to our French bedsteads in our schooldays, and blankets to our marital + four-posters now. Therefore, I say, it becomes our bounden duty as + men,--and, with feelings of pride, I add, as Englishmen--to initiate + the untutored savage, the wild and somewhat uncultivated denizen of + the prairie, into the comfort and warmth of blankets; and to supply + him, as far as practicable, with those reasonable, seasonable, + luxurious, and useful appendages. At such a moment as this, the lines + of another poet strike familiarly upon the ears. Let me see, they are + something like this-- + + "Blankets have charms to soothe the savage breast, + And to--to, do--a----" + + I forget the rest. (Loud cheers.) Do we grudge our money for such a + purpose? I answer, fearlessly, No! Could we spend it better at home? I + reply most emphatically, No! True, it may be said that there are + thousands of our own people who at this moment are wandering about the + streets of this great metropolis without food to eat or rags to cover + them. But what have we to do with them? Our thoughts, our feelings, + and our sympathies, are all wafted on the wings of charity to the dear + and interesting cannibals in the far-off islands of the green Pacific + Ocean. (Hear, hear.) Besides, have not our own poor the workhouses to + go to; the luxurious straw of the casual wards to repose upon, if they + please; the mutton broth to bathe in; and the ever toothsome, although + somewhat scanty, allowance of 'toke' provided for them? And let it + ever be remembered that our own people are not savages, and + man-eaters; and, therefore, our philanthropy would be wasted upon + them. (Overwhelming applause.) To return to our subject. Perhaps some + person or persons here may wonder why we should not send out + side-springs and bluchers, as well as top-boots. To those I will say, + that top-boots alone answer the object desired--namely, not only to + keep the feet dry, but the legs warm, and thus to combine the double + use of shoes and stockings. Is it not an instance of the remarkable + foresight of this society, that it purposely abstains from sending out + any other than top-boots? To show the gratitude of the cannibals for + the benefits conferred upon them, I will just mention that, within the + last few weeks, his Illustrious Majesty, Hokee Pokey Wankey Fum the + First, surnamed by his loving subjects, 'The Magnificent,' from the + fact of his wearing, on Sundays, a shirt-collar and an eye-glass as + full court costume--has forwarded the president of this society a very + handsome present, consisting of two live alligators, a boa + constrictor, and three pots of preserved Indian, to be eaten with + toast; and I am told, by competent judges, that it is quite equal to + Russian caviare. + + "MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN--I will not trespass on your patience by + making any further remarks; knowing how incompetent I am--no, no! I + don't mean that--how incompetent you all are--no! I don't mean + either--but you all know what I mean. Like the ancient Roman lawgiver, + I am in a peculiar position; for the fact is, I cannot sit down--I + mean to say, that I cannot sit down without saying that, if there ever + _was_ an institution, it is _this_ institution; and therefore, I beg + to propose, 'Prosperity to the Society for the Distribution of + Blankets and Top-boots among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands.'" + +The toast having been cordially responded to, his lordship calls upon +Mr. Duffer, the secretary, to read the report. Whereupon that gentlemen, +who is of a bland and oily temperament, and whose eyes are concealed by +a pair of green spectacles, produces the necessary document, and reads, +in the orthodox manner,-- + + "Thirtieth Half-yearly Report of the Society for the Distribution of + Blankets and Top-boots to the Natives of the Cannibal Islands. + + "The society having now reached its fifteenth anniversary, the + committee of management beg to congratulate their friends and + subscribers on the success that has been attained. + + "When the society first commenced its labours, the generous and + noble-minded natives of the islands, together with their king--a chief + whose name is well known in connexion with one of the most stirring + and heroic ballads of this country--attired themselves in the light + but somewhat insufficient costume of their tribe--viz., little before, + nothing behind, and no sleeves, with the occasional addition of a pair + of spectacles; but now, thanks to this useful association, the upper + classes of the cannibals seldom appear in public without their bodies + being enveloped in blankets and their feet encased in top-boots. + + "When the latter useful articles were first introduced into the + islands, the society's agents had a vast amount of trouble to prevail + upon the natives to apply them to their proper purposes; and, in their + work of civilization, no less than twenty of its representatives were + massacred, roasted, and eaten. But we persevered; we overcame the + natural antipathy of the cannibals to wear any covering to their feet; + until after a time, the natives discovered the warmth and utility of + boots; and now they can scarcely be induced to remove them until they + fall off through old age. + + "During the past half year, the society has distributed no less than + 71 blankets and 128 pairs of top-boots; and your committee, therefore, + feel convinced that they will not be accused of inaction. But a great + work is still before them; and they earnestly invite co-operation, in + order that they may be enabled to supply the whole of the cannibals + with these comfortable, nutritious, and savoury articles. + + "As the balance-sheet is rather a lengthy document, I will merely + quote a few of the figures for your satisfaction. We have received, + during the half-year, in subscriptions, donations, and legacies, the + sum of £5,403 6_s._ 8¾_d._ Rent, rates, and taxes, £305 10_s._ + 0¼_d._ Seventy-one pairs of blankets, at 20_s._ per pair, have + taken £71 exactly; and 128 pairs of tops-boots, at 21_s._ per pair, + cost us £134 some odd shillings. The salaries and expenses of + management amount to £1,307 4_s._ 2½_d._; and sundries, which + include committee meetings and travelling expenses, have absorbed the + remainder of the sum, and amount to £3,268 9_s._ 1¾_d._ So that we + have expended on the dear and interesting cannibals the sum of £205, + and the remainder of the sum--amounting to £5,198--has been devoted to + the working expenses of the society." + +The reading concluded, the secretary resumes his seat amid heavy +applause, which continues until Mr. Alderman Gobbleton rises, and, in a +somewhat lengthy and discursive speech--in which the phrases, "the +Corporation of the City of London," "suit and service," "ancient guild," +"liberties and privileges," and "Court of Common Council," figure +frequently, states that he agrees with everything the noble chairman has +said; and has, moreover, never listened to a more comprehensive and +exhaustive document than the one just read; which is calculated to +satisfy even the most obtuse and hard-headed of individuals. + +Gobbleton is a great man in the City. He has either been Lord Mayor, or +sheriff, or something of the sort; and, as a few words of his go a long +way with his friends and admirers, his remarks are very favourably +received. + +"Clever man, Gobbleton!" says a common councilman, sitting near us, to +his neighbour, a languid swell of the period. + +"Ya-as, vewy! Wemarkable style of owatowy--and gweat fluency," replies +the other. + +But attention, if you please!--for M. Hector de Longuebeau, the great +French writer, is on his legs. He is staying in England for a short +time, to become acquainted with our manners and customs. + + "MILORS AND GENTLEMANS!" commences the Frenchman, elevating his + eyebrows, and shrugging his shoulders. "Milors and Gentlemans--You + excellent chairman, M. le Baron de Mount-Stuart, he have say to me, + 'Make de toast.' Den I say to him dat I have no toast to us; but he + nudge my elbow ver soft, and say dat dere is von toast dat nobody but + von Frenchman can make proper; and, derefore, wid you kind permission, + I will make de toast. 'De breveté is de sole of de feet,' as you great + philosopher, Dr. Johnson, do say, in dat amusing little work of his, + de Pronouncing Dictionnaire; and derefore, I vill not say ver moch to + de point. Ven I vas a boy, about so moch tall, and used for to + promenade de streets of Marseilles et of Rouen, vid no feet to put + onto my shoe, I nevare to have exposé dat dis day vould to have + arrivé. I vas to begin de vorld as von garēon--or, vat you call in dis + countrie, von vaitaire in a café--vere I vork ver hard, vid no + habillemens at all to put onto myself, and ver little food to eat, + excep' von old bleu blouse vat vas give to me by de proprietaire, just + for to keep myself fit to be showed at, but, tank goodness, tings dey + have changé ver moch for me since dat time, and I have rose myself, + seulement par mon industrie et perseverance. (Loud cheers.) Ah! mes + amis! ven I hear to myself de flowing speech, de oration magnifique of + you Lor' Maire, Monsieur Gobbledown, I feel dat it is von great + privilige for von étranger to sit at de same table, and to eat de same + food, as that grand, dat majestique man, who are de terreur of de + voleurs and de brigands of de metropolis; and who is also, I for to + supposé, a halterman and de chef of you common scoundrel. Milors and + gentlemans, I feel dat I can perspire to no greatare honneur dan to be + von common scoundrelman myself; but hélas! dat plaisir are not for me, + as I are not freeman of your great cité, not von liveryman servant of + von of you compagnies joint-stock. But I must not forget de toast. + Milors and Gentlemans! De immortal Shakespeare he have write, 'De ting + of beauty are de joy for nevermore.' It is de ladies who are de toast. + Vat is more entrancing dan de charmante smile, de soft voice, de + vinking eye of de beautiful lady? It is de ladies who do sweeten de + cares of life. It is de ladies who are de guiding stars of our + existence. It is de ladies who do cheer but not inebriate; and, + derefore, vid all homage to dere sex, de toast dat I have to propose + is, 'De Ladies! God bless dem all!'" + +And the little Frenchman sits down amid a perfect tempest of cheers. + +A few more toasts are given, the list of subscriptions is read, a vote +of thanks is passed to the noble chairman; and the Fifteenth Annual +Festival of the Society for the Distribution of Blankets and Top-boots +among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands is at an end. + + (_Copyright of_ MESSRS. F. WARNE & CO.) + + + + +ACTING WITH A VENGEANCE. + +W. SAPTE, JUN. + + + Methinks 'tis a very remarkable "sign + Of the times"--I must own this expression's not mine-- + How in these latter days + The theatrical craze + Has obtained such a hold on all grades of society; + And this love of the stage + Is a mark of the age + Which is not in accord with _my_ views of propriety. + + 'Twas only last week a young lady I know + Invited the world in a body to go + (On a wretched wet day) + To a dull _matinée_, + When she made her _débūt_ in the "Hunchback," as Julia; + A part which to act is + A thing of long practice, + Surely ne'er was conceit more absurd or unrulier. + + How can amateur actors commence at the top + Of the Thespian Tree, and avoid coming flop? + It would seem very queer + If a young volunteer + Should begin by commanding the Royal Horse Artillery, + Or if babies should bilk + Their allowance of milk + And insist upon sucking from bottles of Sillery. + So it mostly occurs + That an amateur errs, + And gets chaffed for possessing less skill than audacity, + When he tackles a part + Without learning the art, + And exposes his natural want of capacity-- + And what is more painful, his lack of sagacity. + + I'm bound to admit + I was rather once bit + By the mania myself in a mild sort of way; + Paid a half-guinea fee + To the Zeus A.D.C., + And found myself cast for a part in a play. + I think 'twas the Bandit Brothers of Brighton-- + Or Eastbourne, or Yarmouth-- + Or Hastings, or Barmouth-- + I forget for the moment which place was the right 'un-- + But I know there's a chief, + Who at last comes to grief, + After numerous blood-curdling adventures and rescues, + Such as frequently writers in modern burlesque use. + + Now the part of the chief + Who comes to grief + Was secured by a hot-tempered youth, named O'Keefe; + In spite of the jealousy + Of two other fellows, he + Cast himself as the leader, without hesitation, + And resented remarks with extreme indignation. + So the others were fain + Their rage to contain, + And one e'en accepted the part which was reckoned + To be, on the whole, the one that ranked second. + + The local Town Hall was engaged, which would hold + Some three hundred people--the tickets were sold-- + The purchasers wishing to help the good charity + We played for; some adding + Donations, and gladding + The treasurer's heart to a state of hilarity. + Rehearsals galore + Were to take place before + The _débūt_ on the boards of the Zeus A.D.C.-- + For the members were earnest as earnest could be. + Well, the opening one + Was rather good fun, + For we found that the practice of vigorous fighting + 'Twixt Bandits and Coastguards was rather exciting; + But later, you know + It got rather slow + For those who were "supers" to constantly go + And lay the same victims perpetually low, + With time after time the identical blow. + + But Mr. O'Keefe, + Who played the chief, + Had a time less monotonous, greatly, than ours, + And always kept up the rehearsals for hours. + Still he wasn't quite happy, + And often got snappy, + For Richard McEwen, who'd wanted to play + The part of the chief, and used often to say + He'd have done it himself in a much better way, + Was by no means contented, thus feeling superior + To play "seconds" to Keefe, his decided inferior. + + So he did what he could + To annoy the great K., + And misunderstood, + In a scandalous way, + All the stage-manager's proper directions, + And refused to accept either hints or corrections. + + Now in the third act, the time being night, + The scene on the beach, there's a hand-to-hand fight + 'Twixt the Bandit chief + (That's Mr. O'Keefe) + And the coastguard captain, Mr. McEwen, + In which 'tis agreed + That the first shall succeed, + While the latter comes in for no end of a hewing. + + But Richard McEwen was strong and quick, + And a very good hand with the single-stick, + And he didn't see why + He should quietly die + By the sword of a man, much less clever at fencing. + So he _would_ give a twist + Of his muscular wrist, + Which disarmed the brave Bandit soon after commencing. + + The rage of O'Keefe + Exceeded belief, + For McEwen _would_ do it at ev'ry rehearsal; + The manager vowed + It could not be allowed, + And the company's protests became universal. + + McEwen explained + That he thought the piece gained + By his showing his skill--how could anyone doubt it? + "There's more credit," said he, + "To the chief than there'd be + If he killed a weak chap who knew nothing about it." + And he went on to say that O'Keefe wasn't fit + For the part of the chief, and could not fence a bit. + O'Keefe in reply, + Gave McEwen the lie, + And vowed he would kick him + Or otherwise "lick" him, + While his eyes flashed like those of a tiger or leopard. He + Induced us to think + That his rival must shrink + From placing himself in such obvious jeopardy. + + He did so--and afterwards things all went smoothly, + While O'Keefe played his part in a manner quite Booth-ly, + Or, as somebody said, without meaning to gush, + He'd have put Henry Irving himself to the blush. + + * * * * * + + As soon as the public performance drew nigh + The local excitement ran awfully high, + For reports had been spread + (By the club, be it said) + That something uncommonly good was expected, + And so on the day + We turned people away + From the doors, where quite early a crowd had collected. + + * * * * * + + Well, the overture over, the drama began, + But, thanks to our casual property man, + The rise of the curtain + Was somewhat uncertain. + In fact, for five minutes or so the thing _stuck_-- + Which was terrible luck! + And affected the play, + At least, so I should say, + For the opening act went decidedly tamely, + Though O'Keefe and his bandits stuck to it most gamely. + There was not much applause, + Which perhaps was because + Our audience was certainly very genteel, + And thought it was rude folks should show what they feel; + Still, we should have preferred + Some "bravos!" to have heard. + And two or three gentlemen seemingly napping, + We thought might have better employed themselves clapping. + + If first act went badly + The second quite dragged; + The actors worked sadly, + All interest flagged. + And though very often we caught people laughing, + The occasions they chose made us think they were chaffing. + + Next came act the third, in which the O'Keefe + Was to be very great as the terrible chief, + For in it he killed + His rival, and spilled + The gore of the coastguards all over the coast, + And eloped with a bride, + Who beheld him with pride + Though she could herself of a coronet boast. + As a matter of fact + We hoped that this act + Would redeem in a measure the ones that preceded, + And it opened so well, + And O'Keefe looked so swell, + That at last we obtained the encouragement needed. + And then came the fight. + No one thought, on that night, + That McEwen would dare try his vile _tour de force_; + And the battle began + On the well-rehearsed plan, + While the supers made ready to bear off his corse. + + * * * * * + + Whatever induced him to do it? Who knows? + He says 'twas an accident. Well, I suppose, + When a man tells you that, + A denial too flat + Might perhaps lead to arguments, even to blows. + But, be that as it may, + The O'Keefe _couldn't_ slay + His opponent, whose wrist + All at once gave a twist, + And the brave bandit's weapon went flying away! + The supers stood spellbound, as over the stage + Strode the maddened O'Keefe; in a frenzy of rage + He picked up his sword, and then went for his foe + In terrible earnest. + Oh, that was the sternest, + Most truculent fight + Ever fought in the sight + Of innocent people, who shouted "Bravo!" + Little knowing how soon the real blood was to flow. + + Thank Heaven, the swords + Were as blunt as two boards! + Otherwise the result would have been simply frightful. + As it was, every whack + Make the deuce of a crack, + While the audience considered it clearly delightful. + With th' applause at its height, + This most bloodthirsty fight, + By a blow from the skilful McEwen was ended. + O'Keefe fell as if dead, + With a gash on his head; + The supers rushed forward, the curtain descended. + + Talk about clapping! + And walking-stick rapping! + While even the gentlemen formerly napping, + "Bravoed" themselves hoarse + With the whole of their force, + And made their fat palms quite tender with slapping. + "O'Keefe! and McEwen!" was shouted by all, + Why the deuce don't they come and acknowledge the call? + Then some people said + "That blow on the head-- + Was it part of the play?--or"--ah, see, in the hall + A youth--he's a member, as that ribbon shows-- + See! to Doctor Pomander he stealthily goes-- + To the doctor, who sat + With his coat and his hat + Just under his seat, that he need not delay + If a patient should send to fetch him away; + But who never expected to find _in_ the hall + A patient--and much less a bandit--at all! + + Anxiety now + Takes the place of the row, + And people talk low + And ask "Shall they go?" + When before the dropped curtain there comes with a bow + The stage-manager suave, + With a countenance grave, + To announce that although there's nought serious the matter, + (Here applause and some chatter) + Still, in the late fight + The _wrong_ man beat the _right_, + And that therefore the show was at end for the night. + + Thus the bandit chief + Came duly to grief, + Though not in the way that the author intended, + And as for his head + Ere he went home to bed, + The doctor had seen that 'twas properly mended. + This, friends, was the end of the drama for me, + And for most, I believe, of the Zeus A.D.C., + Whose need of success + May indeed have been less + Than that usually obtained by such clubs and societies; + But be that as it may, + I have e'er from that day + Placed amateur acting among th' improprieties. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +MY FORTNIGHT AT WRETCHEDVILLE. + +GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA. + + +How I came to be acquainted with Wretchedville was in this wise. I was +in quest last autumn of a nice quiet place within a convenient distance +of town, where I could finish an epic poem--or stay, was it a five-act +drama?--on which I had been long engaged, and where I could be secure +from the annoyance of organ-grinders, and of reverend gentlemen leaving +little subscription books one day and calling for them the next. I pined +for a place where one could be very snug, and where one's friends didn't +drop in "just to look you up, old fellow," and where the post didn't +come in too often. So I picked up a bag of needments, and availing +myself of a mid-day train on the Great Domdaniel Railway, alighted +haphazard at a station. + +It turned out to be Sobbington. I saw at a glance that Sobbington was +too fashionable, not to say stuck-up for me. The waltz from "Faust" was +pianofortetically audible from at least half-a-dozen semi-detached +windows; and this, combined with some painful variations on "Take, +then, the sabre," and a cursory glance into a stationer's shop and fancy +warehouse, where two stern mammas of low-church aspect were purchasing +the back numbers of "The New Pugwell Square Pulpit," and three young +ladies were telegraphically inquiring, behind their parents' backs, of +the young person at the counter whether any letters had been left for +them, sufficed to accelerate my departure from Sobbington. The next +station on the road, I was told, was Doleful Hill, and then came +Deadwood Junction. I thought I would take a little walk, and see what +the open and what the covert yielded. + +I left my bag with a moody porter at the Sobbington Station, and trudged +along the road which had been indicated to me as leading to Doleful +Hill. It is true that I had not the remotest idea of where I was going +to live. I walked onwards and onwards, admiring the field cows in the +far-off pastures--cows the white specks on whose hides recurred so +artistically that one might have thought the scenic arrangement of the +landscape had been entrusted to Mr. Birket Foster. Anon I saw coming +towards me, a butcher-boy in his cart, drawn by a fast trotting pony. I +asked him when he neared me, how far it might be to Doleful Hill. + +"Good two mile," quoth the butcher-boy, pulling up. "But you'll have to +pass Wretchedville first. Lays in a 'ole a little to the left, 'arf a +mile on." + +"Wretchedville," thought I; what an odd name! "What sort of a place is +it?" I inquired. + +"Well," replied the butcher-boy; "it's a lively place, a werry lively +place. I should say it was lively enough to make a cricket burst himself +for spite: it's so uncommon lively." And with this enigmatical +deliverance the butcher-boy relapsed into a whistle of the utmost +shrillness, and rattled away towards Sobbington. + +I wish that it had not been quite so golden an afternoon. A little +dulness, a few clouds in the sky, might have acted as a caveat against +Wretchedville. But I plodded on and on, finding all things looking +beautiful in that autumn glow, until at last I found myself descending +the declivitous road into Wretchedville and to destruction. + +"Were there any apartments to let?" Of course there were. The very first +house I came to was, as regards the parlour-window, nearly blocked up by +a placard treating of "Apartments Furnished." Am I right in describing +it as the parlour-window? I scarcely know; for the front door, with +which it was on a level, was approached by such a very steep flight of +steps, that when you stood on the topmost grade, it seemed as though, +with a very slight effort, you could have peeped in at the bed-room +window, or touched one of the chimney-pots; while as concerns the +basement, the front kitchen--I beg pardon, the breakfast +parlour--appeared to be a good way above the level of the street. + +The space in the first-floor window not occupied by the placard, was +filled by a monstrous group of wax fruit, the lemons as big as pumpkins, +and the leaves of an unnaturally vivid green. The window below--it was a +single-windowed front--served merely as a frame for the half-length +portrait of a lady in a cap, ringlets, and a colossal cameo brooch. The +eyes of this portrait were fixed upon me; and before almost I had lifted +a very small light knocker, decorated, so far as I could make out, with +the cast-iron effigy of a desponding ape, and had struck this against a +door, which to judge from the amount of percussion produced, was +composed of Bristol board highly varnished, the portal itself flew open +and the portrait of the basement appeared in the flesh; indeed, it was +the same portrait. Downstairs it had been Mrs. Primpris looking out into +the Wretchedville Road for lodgers. Upstairs it was Mrs. Primpris +letting her lodgings and glorying in the act. + +She didn't ask for any references. She didn't hasten to inform me that +there were no children or any other lodgers. She didn't look doubtful +when I told her that the whole of my luggage consisted of a black bag +which I had left at the Sobbington Station. She seemed rather pleased +with the idea of the bag, and said that her Alfred should step round for +it. She didn't object to smoking; and she at once invested me with the +Order of the Latchkey--a latchkey at Wretchedville, ha! ha! She further +held me with her glittering eye, and I listened like a two-years' child +while she let me the lodgings for a fortnight certain. + +She had converted me into a single gentleman lodger of quiet and retired +habits--or was I a widower of independent means seeking a home in a +cheerful family?--so suddenly that I beheld all things as in a dream. +Thinking, perchance, that the first stone of that monumental edifice, +the bill, could not be laid too quickly, she immediately provided me +with tea. There was a little cottage-loaf, so hard, round, shiny, and +compact, that I experienced a well-nigh uncontrollable desire to fling +it up to the ceiling to ascertain whether it would chip off any portion +of a preposterous rosette in stucco in the centre, representing a +sunflower surrounded by cabbage-leaves. This terrible ornament was, by +the way, one of the chief sources of my misery at Wretchedville: I was +continually apprehensive that it would tumble down bodily on the table. +In addition to the cottage-loaf there was a pretentious tea-pot, which, +had it been of sterling silver, would have been worth fifty guineas, but +which in its ghastly gleaming, said plainly, "Sheffield" and +"imposture." There was a piece of butter in a "shape" like a diminutive +haystack, and with a cow sprawling on the top in unctuous plasticity. It +was a pallid kind of butter, from which with difficulty you shaved off +adipocerous scales, which would not be persuaded to adhere to the bread, +but flew off at tangents and went rolling about an intolerably large +tea-tray on whose papier-māché surface was depicted the death of Captain +Hedley Vicars. The Crimean sky was inlaid with mother-of-pearl, and the +gallant captain's face was highly enriched with blue and crimson +foil-paper. + +As for the tea, I don't think I ever tasted such a peculiar mixture. Did +you ever sip warm catsup sweetened with borax? _That_ might have been +something like it. And what was that sediment, strongly resembling the +sand at Great Yarmouth, at the bottom of the cup? I sat down to my meal, +however, and made as much play with the cottage-loaf as I could. Had the +loaf been varnished? It smelt and looked as though it had undergone that +process. Everything in the house smelt of varnish. I was uncomfortably +conscious, too, during my repast--one side of the room being all +window--that I was performing the part of a "Portrait of the Gentleman +on the first floor," and that, as such, I was "sitting" to Mrs. Lucknow +at Number Twelve opposite--I knew her name was Lucknow, for a brass +plate on the door said so--whose own half-length effigy was visible in +her own breakfast-parlour window glowering at me reproachfully because I +had not taken her first floor, in the window of which was, not a group +of wax fruit, but a sham alabaster vase full of artificial flowers. +Every window in Wretchedville exhibited one or other of these ornaments, +and it was from their contemplation that I began to understand how it +was that the "fancy goods" trade in the Minories and Houndsditch throve +so well. They made things there to be purchased by the housekeepers of +Wretchedville. + +The shades of evening fell, and Mrs. Primpris brought me in a monstrous +paraffin-lamp, the flame of which wouldn't do anything but lick the +chimney-glass till it smoked it to the proper hue to observe eclipses +by, and then splutter into extinction and charnel-like odour. After that +we tried a couple of composites (six to the pound) in green glass +candlesticks. I asked Mrs. Primpris if she could send me up a book to +read, and she favoured me, _per_ Alfred and Selina, with her whole +library, consisting of the Asylum Press Almanack for 1860; two odd +volumes of the Calcutta Directory; the Brewer and Distiller's Assistant; +Julia de Crespigny, or a Winter in London; Dunoyer's French Idioms; and +the Reverend Mr. Huntingdon's Bank of Faith. + +I took out my cigar-case after this and began to smoke; and then I heard +Mrs. Primpris coughing and a number of doors being thrown wide open. +Upon this I concluded that I would go to bed. My sleeping apartment--the +first-floor back--was a perfect cube. One side was a window overlooking +a strip of clay-soil hemmed in between brick walls. There were no +tombstones yet, but if it wasn't a cemetery, why, when I opened the +window to get rid of the odour of the varnish, did it smell like one? +The opposite side of the cube was composed of a chest of drawers. I am +not impertinently curious by nature, but as I was the first-floor +lodger, bethought myself entitled to open the top long drawer with a +view to the bestowal of the contents of my black bag. The drawer was not +empty; but that which it held made me feel very nervous. I suppose the +weird figure I saw stretched out there with pink arms and legs sprouting +from a shroud of silver paper, a quantity of ghastly auburn curls, and +two blue glass eyes unnaturally gleaming in the midst of a mask of +salmon-coloured wax, was Selina's best doll; the present perhaps of her +uncle, who was, haply, a Calcutta director, or an Asylum Press Almanack +maker, or a brewer and distiller, or a cashier in the Bank of Faith. I +shut the drawer again hurriedly, and that doll in its silver paper +cerecloth haunted me all night. + +The third side of my bedroom consisted of chimney--the coldest, hardest, +brightest-looking fire-place I ever saw out of Hampton Court Palace +guardroom. The fourth side was door. I forget into which corner was +hitched a wash-hand stand. The ceiling was mainly stucco rosette, of the +pattern of the one in my sitting-room. Among the crazes which came over +me at this time, was one to the effect that this bedroom was a cabin on +board ship, and that if the ship should happen to lurch or roll in the +trough of the sea, I must infallibly tumble out of the door or the +window, or into the drawer where the doll was--unless the drawer and the +doll came out to me--or up the chimney. I think that I murmured +"Steady!" as I clomb into bed. + +My couch--an "Arabian" one, Mrs. Primpris said proudly--seemingly +consisted of the Logan, or celebrated rocking-stone of Cornwall, loosely +covered with bleached canvas, under which was certain loose foreign +matter, but whether composed of flocculi of wool or of the halves of +kidney potatoes I am not in a position to state. At all events I awoke +in the morning veined all over like a scagliola column. I never knew, +too, before, that any blankets were manufactured in Yorkshire, or +elsewhere, so remarkably small and thin as the two seeming flannel +pocket-handkerchiefs with blue-and-crimson edging, which formed part of +Mrs. Primpris's Arabian bed-furniture. Nor had I hitherto been aware, as +I was when I lay with that window at my feet, that the moon was so very +large. The orb of night seemed to tumble on me flat, until I felt as +though I were lying in a cold frying-pan. It was a "watery moon," I have +reason to think; for when I awoke the next morning, much battered with +visionary conflicts with the doll, I found that it was raining cats and +dogs. + +"The rain," the poet tells us, "it raineth every day." It rained most +prosaically all that day at Wretchedville, and the next, and from Monday +morning till Saturday night, and then until the middle of the next week! +Dear me! dear me! how wretched I was! I hasten to declare that I have no +kind of complaint to make against Mrs. Primpris. Not a flea was felt in +her house. The cleanliness of the villa was so scrupulous as to be +distressing. It smelt of soap and scrubbing-brush like a Refuge. Mrs. +Primpris was strictly honest, even to the extent of inquiring what I +would like to have done with the fat of cold mutton-chops, and sending +me up antediluvian crusts, the remnants of last week's cottage-loaves, +with which I would play moodily at knock-'em-downs, using the +pepper-caster as a pin. I have nothing to say against Alfred's fondness +for art. India-rubber to be sure, is apter to smear than to obliterate +drawings in chalk; but a three-penny piece is not much; and you cannot +too early encourage the imitative faculties. And again, if Selina did +require correction, I am not prepared to deny that a shoe may be the +best implement and the blade bones the most fitting portion of the human +anatomy for such an exercitation. + +I merely say that I was wretched at Wretchedville, and that Mrs. +Primpris's apartments very much aggravated my misery. The usual +objections taken to a lodging-house are to the effect that the furniture +is dingy, the cooking execrable, the servant a slattern, and the +landlady either a crocodile or a tigress. Now my indictment against my +Wretchedville apartments simply amounts to this: that everything was too +new. Never were there such staring paper-hangings, such gaudily printed +druggets for carpets, such blazing hearthrugs--one representing the dog +of Montargis seizing the murderer of the Forest of Bondy--such gleaming +fire-irons, and such remarkably shiny looking-glasses with gilt halters +for frames. The crockery was new, and the glue on the chairs and tables +was scarcely dry. The new veneer peeled off the new chiffonier. The +roller-blinds to the windows were so new that they wouldn't work. The +new stair-carpeting used to dazzle my eyes so, that I was always +tripping myself up; the new oil-cloth in the hall smelt like the Trinity +House repository for new buoys; and Mrs. Primpris was always full +dressed by nine o'clock in the morning. She confessed once or twice +during my stay that her house was not quite "seasoned." It was not even +seasoned to sound. Every time the kitchen-fire was poked you heard the +sound in the sitting-room. As to perfumes, whenever the lid of the +copper in the wash-house was raised, the first-floor lodger was aware of +the fact. I knew by the simple evidence of my olfactory organs what Mrs. +Primpris had for dinner every day. Pork, accompanied by some green +esculent, boiled, predominated. + +When my fortnight's tenancy had expired--I never went outside the house +until I left it for good--and my epic poem, or whatever it was, had more +or less been completed, I returned to London, and had a rare bilious +attack. The doctor said it was painter's colic; I said at the time it +was disappointed ambition, for the booksellers had looked very coldly on +my poetical proposals, and the managers to a man had refused to read my +play; but at this present writing I believe the sole cause of my malady +to have been Wretchedville. I hope they will pull down the villas and +build the jail there soon, and that the rascal convicts will be as +wretched as I was. + + (_From_ "UNDER THE SUN," _by permission of_ MESSRS. VIZETELLY & CO.) + + + + +THE SORROWS OF WERTHER. + +W. M. THACKERAY. + + + Werther had a love for Charlotte + Such as words could never utter; + Would you know how first he met her + She was cutting bread and butter. + + Charlotte was a married lady, + And a moral man was Werther, + And for all the wealth of Indies + Would do nothing for to hurt her. + + So he sighed, and pined, and ogled, + And his passion boiled, and bubbled, + Till he blew his silly brains out, + And no more was by it troubled. + + Charlotte having seen his body + Borne before her on a shutter, + Like a well-conducted person, + Went on cutting bread and butter. + + + + +MORAL MUSIC. + +(BY AN EXPERIMENTER.) + + +I am in a humble sphere of life--a hairdresser's assistant, in fact; but +I have a thirst for improving my mind, and regularly attend the evening +classes at our institute. It was there I read in a magazine about morals +and music. The writer discussed the question whether music by itself, +unpolluted by words, had any "mental significance or moral power." I +left off reading, rather puzzled, but I am of a practical turn of mind. +I joined our bricklaying class at the institute last term, and, although +I nip my fingers a good deal, still it has made me inclined to put all +new truths to the test of experiment. So I determined to experiment on +myself, and see what mental significance and moral power music +possessed, if any. I regulated my life very carefully during the trial, +so that no outside influence should spoil the result. I weighed and +measured out my food and drink, abstained from pickles and sensation +literature, denied myself the exciting pleasure of Jemima's company on +Thursday and Sunday, and, to counterbalance the language of some of our +ruder customers, and to give morals an even chance, I slept with a tract +under my pillow. I started with a quite unprejudiced mind, for the +attention I had paid to music before was mostly measured by the loudness +of it. I took a seat at St. James's Hall in good time, and opened my +mind and morals for impressions. First of all, a man came on the +platform and began, as far as I could see, to tune the piano. I thought +he ought to have done this before the advertised time of opening, but +when he got off the stool, the people all began to applaud him, and on +inquiring, I found that the man I had taken for the tuner was really the +giver of the concert, and that he had been playing one of his own +compositions. So I lost this experiment altogether. However, soon after +the player returned with a violinist, and they started a duet. I set my +teeth. If there was any significance or moral in a violin and piano +mixed, I determined to have it. I had first fleeting visions before my +mind of all the creatures I had ever seen in pain. There was the squeak +of a rat caught in a trap; there was the same sort of shriek Jemima gave +when I took her to have a tooth out; and there was the loud wail which +accompanies the conversion of pig into pork. But this was only the first +chapter. The players stopped, and began again; and the next chapter +plunged me among the industrial arts. Under the influence of the magic +instruments I saw the foundation of England's greatness. There was an +athletic carpenter industriously sawing wood. There was a grindstone +putting an edge on an axe. There were a number of whirrs, which brought +back vividly a loom I had seen at work at an exhibition, and there was a +rather asthmatic smith striking his anvil and coughing between every +blow. + +But this was not all. They began a third chapter, and I was immediately +among lolly-pops. All the nicest things I had ever tasted stood before +me in a row. There was a pot full of apricot jam; there was some roast +beef gravy, than which, taken on the knife, I know nothing more +toothsome; there was a sixpenny strawberry ice, and a nice cut of lamb +and mint sauce to finish up with. I was sorry when they left off, but +glad to find I was on the trace of a moral. The piece was evidently a +musical embodiment of a clean shave: the first part was the misery of +laying your head back and having your nose tweaked; the second was the +being scraped; and the last was the happy moment when you stretch your +limbs, pass your satisfied hand over your smooth chin, and nod to +yourself complacently in the glass. The moral was obvious; that it is a +duty to get shaved, and not to shave yourself, but to go to the +professional man. My next experiment was to hear a young lady sing. She +came on the platform, looking lovely, and she had on a sash and a dress +improver that I never saw equalled for elegance. My hopes rose at the +sight of her. I felt sure that so much beauty could not be otherwise +than moral. "Oh, do be moral! do be moral!" I kept saying to myself, as +the accompanist opened fire on her song. A dreadful thought then arose: +the words of her song would taint the experiment, which was to be on +music alone. But, to my delight, I could not catch a word of what she +sang. It was all pure music. Her sweet song suggested to me as follows: +I first saw her running up stairs and down again as fast as ever she +could, and then she sat down on the mat to rest, while the piano panted. +Then she drew out from somewhere one long, straight note, thick in the +middle and tapering off at each end, so seductive that I fancied myself +a storm-tossed mariner listening to a mermaid. I could almost feel the +waves of the Margate boat gurgle around me. Then she drew a jug of hot +water out of the boiler--at least, that was its intellectual +significance to me, because the note went steadily rising upwards, with +little splashes in between, just like the sound of the water when I draw +a jug to shave a customer. Then she ran upstairs again like lightning, +and disappeared through the tiles, while the pianist banged the front +door to. I am sure there was a splendid moral to all this, for she +looked so beautiful and smiled so sweetly; but I am undecided whether +the moral was that I was to sign the pledge, or that I was not to go to +concerts without Jemima as a safeguard. + +I next gave myself up bodily to what they called a "concerto." When I +saw several gentlemen come on to the platform, with a variety of +instruments, I thought it would be a more serious experiment than the +others, and so it proved. I kept my eyes on them when they first began, +but they looked so comical--one with his cheeks blown out, another with +his hair as if it had just been machined, another trying to get his arm +round his fiddle's waist, and another jerking his eyes out of his +head--that I felt it was not giving the music a fair chance, so I shut +my own eyes tight. As soon as I had done so there was no end of +intellectual significance. I was in a pleasure van just starting for +Hampton Court, with Jemima. There was the jog trot of the horses, and +every now and then the skid put on; there was laughter and the puffing +of pipes, and occasionally a loud roar, as we crossed a big +thoroughfare. We soon got into the country and heard the birds chirping, +and there was a sweet gurgling sound, which intimated to me that the men +on the box had broached the four-gallon cask. I was just getting ready +for a glass, when all at once the whole scene vanished. The music had +stopped, and when it began again things were much altered for the worse. +With the first note I felt a shudder go down my vitals. Something was +coming, I did not know what. I felt just like being woke up in bed by a +strange noise, and no matches handy, and my razors open to everybody on +the table. Then I heard the bass fiddle say distinctly, "Prepare to meet +your doom" several times over, while the violins tried to sneer at me, +and the piano rattled chains in the corner. This was very trying, but +worse was to follow. There were faint cries and sobs from the next room, +as though murder was going on; there were long silences which were worse +to bear than any sound; then someone began to work softly at the door +with a centre bit, and there were rumblings as though someone else was +letting himself down the chimney. I fancied I could almost see his leg. +Then there was another hush, and thank heaven, I could tell by the +hand-clapping that that part was over. It was about time, for the mental +significance had got quite over-powering. There was then a total change. +The music took me back in a second to the last ball I had been to--the +eighteen-penny one, refreshments extra. I was dancing all the dances at +once, and all the girls were making up to me, and it only made Jemima +smile. That was a really delightful mental significance, and I could +have done with more of it. But I doubt whether the concerto on the whole +was moral. I am sure that ice down the back cannot be good for anyone, +nor can I see, in cool moments, that raising the animal spirits so many +degrees above proof is proper. I have not yet concluded my experiments. +I have still to try the effects of a cornet solo; and the flute, as well +as the concertina, the bones, and the banjo. But I have no doubt that if +more people would try my plan, and honestly state the results, we should +in time get at the truth of this matter of moral music. + + (_From the_ "EVENING STANDARD.") + + + + +BILLY DUMPS, THE TAILOR. + +CHARLES CLARK. + + +Billy Dumps was very fond of spending his evenings with his two cronies, +Natty Dyer, a shoemaker, and Neddy Tueson, an umbrella mender, at the +"Cunning Cat," just round the corner. This worthy trio seldom left their +favourite haunt before closing time, much to the disgust of their +respective helpmates, Mrs. Dumps in particular. + +Billy Dumps was a tailor, working as _he_ termed it on his own hook. As +his prices were moderate, and his work durable, he earned a pretty good +living, making and mending for his neighbours, chiefly of the dock +labouring class; but his nightly orgies at the "Cunning Cat" made sad +inroads into his hard earnings, which tended much to sour Betsy's +otherwise naturally good temper. + +The climax was reached one eventful evening, on the occasion of a +Free-and-Easy being held at the old quarters, after which, Billy, for +prudential reasons, was escorted home at midnight by his two associates, +all fully bent on informing the sleeping neighbourhood at the top of +their voices that they were "jolly good fellows," supplemented by a +further assertion of, "and so say all of us!" Finishing up by depositing +the confiding tailor at full length in his own front passage, through +the door being inadvertently left ajar, where he laid and snored in +blissful ignorance of the trials and troubles of this life until rather +rudely awakened, and then somewhat briskly assisted upstairs, by Betsy +and a broom handle. + +"Now, Mister Billy Dumps, I am tired of sitting up for you night after +night, and mean to do so no longer. So if you are not in when our clock +strikes ten, I locks the door and you finds other lodgings," exclaimed +Betsy his wife, on the morning after the Free-and-Easy. + +Tailor Dumps felt small after the previous night's dissipation, and +determined to get home earlier and sober that evening. But under the +influence of the soothing pipe, the nut-brown ale, and the merry laugh +and jest of his boon companions, he was induced to forget his late +resolution, and to prolong his stay at the "Cunning Cat" until aroused +to the fact that it was ten o'clock and closing-time. On reaching home, +all was still and dark. Strange! he went round to the back door and +thumped loudly. The bed-room casement flew open with a bang, from which +instantly protruded the night-capped head of the wife of his bosom. +Billy at once tried the high hand, shouting, "Now then, sleepy, what's +yer game? Be spry and open sharp!" + +No. She wasn't going to be spry, neither was she sleepy; and as to her +little game--she had locked him out according to promise, so didn't +intend unlocking again that night. Not if she knew it. Oh no! + +"Now, Betsy, don't be a fool, you'll repent it," he urged. + +_She_ wasn't a fool, she answered. In her opinion, he was the biggest +fool to be hammering and shivering outside at that time of night, when +he might have been comfortably lying in a warm bed hours ago. As for +repentance--she thought that would be more on his side of the door, for +she felt comfortable--very. + +Billy fumed and stormed, and fully felt the ridiculousness of his +position, especially as he heard sounds of the neighbouring casements +stealthily unclose, and suppressed indications of merriment issuing +therefrom. But Billy stormed to no purpose. Betsy coolly recommended him +to go back where he had spent such a pleasant evening. She was sure Mrs. +Mudge, the landlady, would be only too pleased to accommodate him with a +lodging. If she wasn't, she ought to be, considering the time and money +he spent in her house. + +But Billy had his own ideas of that arrangement, so still lingered, +determined to try another tack. He promised amendment, but Betsy was +sceptical. He appealed to her feelings. "Let me in, Betsy, for I am +cold!" That she could not help; as he had made his bed so he must lie. +He then became affectionate. "Oh Betsy, you are unkind: remember old +times, remember our wedding-day!" he pleaded, thinking to touch her that +way. But Betsy was not going to be had by soft sawder, for she promptly +rejoined, "Remember our wedding-day, you drunken sot? _I do_ to my +sorrow, no fear of my forgetting that great mistake. But, as I told you +before, into this house this blessed night you do not step. No, not if +you were to go on your knees and beg for it!" + +"Ah, Betsy. You'll be sorry for this when too late. I'm determined to +end my misery. I'll jump down the well and drown myself. And you'll be +the cause of it!" whined Billy. + +The night was dark. Betsy felt a little relenting as she heard her +husband groping about in the wood shed. Then she could dimly discern him +making for the well; plainly hear the creaking of the hinges and the lid +thrown back with a thud. Then came the cry of "Good bye, Betsy, I'm +gone!" The dull sound of a heavy body plunging into the water--a gasping +moan, and all was still. + +Betsy's old affection for her erring husband at once returned with +tenfold force, for she raced downstairs, rushing into the darkness, +shrieking for help. + +The neighbours were aroused. Men and women tumbled out of their back +doors in such scanty dishabille that would have charmed a sculptor. +Betsy, still screeching like a bagpipe, had to be forcibly restrained +from jumping to the rescue by the bystanders. + +Dick Ward, the blacksmith, thrust the bucket-pole into the well, singing +out, "Lay hold, Billy, if ye ain't too fur gone!" + +"I can feel un," shouted Dick, as the pole struck some hard substance +with a sounding smack. + +"My eye, Dick! he'll feel you too, if that's Billy's head you tapped," +said Nat; "it 'ud be one for his nob and no mistake." + +They caught a glimpse, by the uncertain light of a flaming candle, of a +something floating low on the surface of the water. + +"His head feels as hard as a koker nut," said Dick, as the pole rattled +on the dark object. + +"Why it seems off his shoulders, for it goes bobbing up and down like a +dumplin in a soup-kettle!" + +Just then, to the astonishment of all, the well known voice of Billy +Dumps was heard from the identical bed-room window that his wife had so +lately vacated, shouting, "Hullo, you people. What the deuce are ye +making such a rumpas for?" + +"A ghost! A ghost!" was the cry. + +"No fear," laughed the tailor. "But, Dick, as you have the pole in hand, +I should feel obliged if you'd fish up my chopping-block which I dropped +in there awhile ago!" + +Betsy Dumps at the sound of her husband's voice, made for the door, but +found it fastened. "Let me in! Let me in! I am so glad you are safe!" +she joyously exclaimed. + +"Not if I know it, Betsy. It's my turn now. _Into this house this +blessed night you do not step. No, not if you were to go on your knees +and beg for it!_" + +A loud laugh broke from the crowd, as the joke dawned on them. Betsy was +being paid back in her own coin. The neighbourhood had been sold. The +crafty tailor had secured the chopping-block from the wood shed, and +popped it down the well as his substitute, then, in the darkness and +confusion slipped back into the house unseen. Betsy, having been +accommodated for the night by a friendly neighbour, the crowd dispersed, +highly amused at the adventure. Early the next morning, Mrs. Dumps on +returning home was surprised to find her husband up, a cheerful fire +burning, and the breakfast ready. Taking her hand he gave her a hearty +kiss, with this greeting, "Dear old woman, let bygones be bygones!" And +they were, too; for from that time the "Cunning Cat" knew him no more. +It struck him strongly that his wife's true affection shown in the hour +of his supposed great danger was too precious to trifle with; as a proof +that he kept his word, let it be added that anyone visiting that large +thriving tailoring establishment in the High Street, would hardly +recognise in the respectable dapper proprietor, Mr. William Dumps, the +once drunken tailor so long a nightly nuisance to the neighbourhood. + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + + +ON PUNNING. + +THEODORE HOOK. + + + My little dears who learn to read, pray early learn to shun + That very silly thing indeed, which people call a pun. + Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found, how simple an offence + It is to make the self-same sound afford a double sense. + + For instance, _ale_ may make you _ail_, your _aunt_ an _ant_ may kill, + You in a _vale_ may buy a _veil_ and _Bill_ may pay the _bill_. + Or, if to France your bark may steer, at Dover it may be, + A _peer_ appears upon the _pier_, who, blind, still goes to _sea_. + + Thus, one might say, when to a treat good friends accept our greeting, + 'Tis _meet_ that men who _meet_ to eat should eat their _meat_ when + _meeting_. + Brawn on the _board's_ no bore indeed although from _boar_ prepared; + Nor can the _fowl_, on which we feed, _foul_ feeding he declared. + + Thus, one ripe fruit may be a _pear_, and yet be _pared_ again, + And still no _one_, which seemeth rare until we do explain. + It therefore should be all your aim to spell with ample care; + For who, however fond of _game_, would choose to swallow _hair_? + + A fat man's _gait_ may make us smile, who has no _gate_ to close; + The farmer, sitting on his _stile_ no _sty_lish person knows. + Perfumers, men of _scents_ must be, some _Scilly_ men are bright; + A _brown_ man oft _deep read_ we see, a _black_ a wicked _wight_. + + Most wealthy men good _manors_ have, however vulgar they; + And actors still the harder slave the oftener they _play_. + So poets can't the _baize_ obtain, unless their tailors choose; + While grooms and coachmen not in vain each evening seek the _Mews_. + + The _dyer_, who by _dying_ lives, a _dire_ life maintains; + The glazier, it is known, receives his profits for his _panes_. + By gardeners _thyme_ is tied, 'tis true, when spring is in its prime; + But _time_ and _tide_ won't wait for you if you are _tied_ for _time_. + + Thus now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun; + A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun. + The fault admits of no defence, for wheresoe'er 'tis found, + You sacrifice the _sound_ for _sense_; the _sense_ is never _sound_. + + So let your words and actions, too, one single meaning prove, + And just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love. + In mirth and play no harm you'll know when duty's task is done; + But parents ne'er should let ye go un_pun_ished for a PUN. + + + + +SEASIDE LODGINGS. + +PERCY REEVE. + + +"Oh!" said Georgina Honeybee one afternoon, just before Good Friday, +"_wouldn't_ it be nice to go away for Easter?" + +Now it so happened, that the notion was by no means displeasing to Mr. +Honeybee. He longed for a change; the thought of sea-breezes enchanted +him. He felt worried with work, and yearned to hie him away somewhere +without leaving his address behind him. So it fell out that, almost for +the first time in his married existence, he agreed to his wife's +proposition without demur--and long before a week was over, he never +regretted anything so much in all his life. + +With husband and wife of one mind (for a wonder), the preliminaries were +speedily arranged. Swineleigh-on-Sea was selected as their destination. +In less time than it takes to tell, Georgina was bustling about the +house, giving parting instructions to the servants as to what they were +to do during her absence (one would have thought she was going away for +a year at least). Fanny (Mrs. Honeybee's maid, if you please) was +packing-up her mistress's luggage, while John was being abused by his +master for having no more idea than a child of how to fill a +portmanteau. Everybody was hot and flurried, and the hall-door bell rang +four times before it received the attention to which it was accustomed. + +Honeybee stood in his shirt-sleeves, and in his dressing-room, while his +perspiring and nervous man endeavoured to put boots on the top of clean +shirts. Georgina flitted about her bedroom, saying--"Yes; thank you; if +you'll put in my tea-gown. Yes; thank you--now the linen. Yes; thank +you--no, I shouldn't lay the sponge-bag on the top of my handkerchief +case. Yes; thank you--now the braided dress;" and sundry pretty babble +of that kind. + +At length everything was ready. A four-wheeled cab was called, and Mr. +Honeybee, Georgina, and Fanny the maid, were soon driving across London +to the railway-station. Their tickets got, the trio proceeded without +adventure to Swineleigh, where, when she emerged from the slightly +inferior class in which she had travelled, Fanny remarked to her +mistress: + +"This don't seem half a bad sort of place, mum." + +Honeybee was beaming. His face seemed to say: "Ah! I tell you, when I +_do_ take it into my head to go out for a holiday with my wife and her +maid, I go to the right place, and I have things done properly." Poor +man--he little knew. + +Swineleigh is, fortunately, not a large place, or its death rate would +have more influence on the mortality statistics; but it is quite large +enough to be unpleasant, and to make those who have once visited it +swear they will never do so again. Honeybee had heard it was cheap from +a gentleman friend, and Georgina had gathered from a lady acquaintance +that it was quiet and respectable--hence the praiseworthy unanimity +which had characterised their selection of this spot for the enjoyment +of an Easter holiday. They had meant to put up at the Marine Hotel, but +when they reached that modest edifice they found that all the rooms were +engaged, excepting a couple of dog-holes somewhere near the roof, which, +from their description, our party did not care to inspect. Honeybee was, +however, directed to some lodgings which sounded as if they might suit, +and with a crack of the whip, and a curse from the flyman, who had +conveyed them thus far, the party started off on a fresh tack. When they +reached Cronstadt Villa--for it was hither they were referred--Mr. +Honeybee opened fire as follows upon the landlady who opened the door: + +"We come from the Marine Hotel. Can we have a large bed-room, a small +bed-room, a dressing-room and a sitting-room?" + +"Yes," replied the landlady, somewhat reflectively, as if she felt +inclined to add, "But what you mean by such impertinence I am at a loss +to inquire." + +"Good!" rejoined Honeybee. "Will you have our luggage sent up as soon as +may be? And we should like dinner pretty soon, as we have not had much +lunch." + +"Come inside, please," said the landlady, grandly, to the trio in +general. Then elbowing Fanny out of the way, she said to Mrs. Honeybee +particularly: "Would you like to see your room?" + +"Thank you very much," returned Georgina, "I should." + +Then the newly-made friends walked upstairs together, leaving Honeybee +and Fanny to get the luggage up, and to fight the flyman. Mercifully, a +loafer turned up and volunteered to carry the boxes. Mr. Honeybee only +paid the flyman three times his fare, but escaped without loss of blood. +It is true the driver thought proper to curse him to the nethermost +depths of hell, but what are you to do in a place like Swineleigh, where +you might as well look for the Pope as for a policeman? + +At last the baggage was stowed in the different rooms indicated by the +landlady. Fanny could not help smiling when the loafer set down +Honeybee's portmanteau with a plump on her bed; and Georgina could not +help saying "Oh!" when Fanny's box was hauled into _her_ room; but these +little mistakes were soon rectified, and the loafer being evidently one +of nature's noblemen, withdrew without further parley when he had +received all the loose silver there was in the house. The landlady had +not any change. + +"Now then," said Honeybee, when the door was fairly shut, "when can we +have dinner, and of what will it consist?" + +"Dinner!" repeated the landlady, as if recalling by an effort the +meaning of a word once familiar. "Have you not dined?" + +"Not to-day," replied Honeybee, jocosely; "but we do not want +much--anything will do. How about a fried sole and a roast chicken?" + +It was now seven o'clock, and the landlady verified the fact by +reference to a silver watch, which she plucked with a jerk from her +waistband. + +"Shops are all closed now," she said, as it seemed, with some relief. "I +might get you a steak, or a couple of chops." + +"If you will add bread and butter, the use of the cruets, and perchance +some cheese or jam," suggested Honeybee in his most caressing tones, +while his wife endeavoured vainly to prevent him treading upon what she +knew was volcanic ground, "I'm sure we could manage for to-night." + +"Well, you'll have to," replied the landlady, in a surly voice, and then +she rang the bell in the room, which was to be the Honeybee's dining, +drawing, and smoking room for a week. To this summons a most horrible +"maid" responded, and to her were consigned Georgina and her spouse. The +landlady never was seen again until she came eventually to present the +bill; but her voice was frequently heard. Honeybee's good-nature by this +time was giving out; but he controlled himself. + +"Will you," said he, "get us some food ready as soon as you can? We +would like a beef-steak. Will half-past seven be too early?" + +"No, sir," replied the maid, in a far-off voice; and she left the room. + +"Now," said Honeybee, "Georgina, my dearest, you must be tired. Come +upstairs and change your dress; Fanny will get you hot water and see to +you. I will just wash my hands and then take a short stroll. Come +along." + +When they reached the bedroom they found Fanny in a great undertaking. +Having unpacked Georgina's trunk, and littered the floor with dresses +and parcels, she was about to arrange the different articles in the +chest of drawers, when she found them all locked up. + +"This is absurd," said Honeybee; and he rang the bell. After a very +long time the horrible maid appeared, and when asked why all the drawers +were looked, replied, with a wild-eyed expression of face, that she +supposed "missus's things was there." Desired to ask missus to remove +them, or to provide other accommodation for her tenants, the wild-eyed +one remarked that she "dursen't do it." + +Georgina, always trying to soothe troubled waters, observed, "Never +mind; we shall get straight to-morrow somehow. I'm so tired; it does not +matter for to-night. Only unpack what I absolutely want, Fanny; and you, +dear," to her husband, "go and have a nice stroll, but be back by +half-past seven, as I'm famishing." + +So enjoined, Honeybee kissed his wife, and withdrew. + +A cursory inspection of the contents of his portmanteau soon convinced +him that John had omitted to put in a good many useful articles; and as +Mr. Honeybee made a hasty toilette, he was pained to observe that he had +brought with him an odd coat and waistcoat. Even this might have been +borne, if the bottle containing his boot-varnish had not broken over his +shirts; and with a heavy heart he sallied forth into the town to buy a +tooth-brush. + +Having made his purchase, and also ordered some wine, he returned to the +lodgings, where he found his wife waiting in the sitting-room warming +her feet, while the maid laid the table. About five minutes to eight +"dinner" was served. It consisted of a beef-steak that was raw, except +in those parts which had been burnt to a cinder; some potatoes which +were very black under the eyes, and extremely hard, were also served; +and some of last week's bread, together with some pale butterine, +completed the repast. The Honeybees endeavoured to eat a few mouthfuls, +washed down with cold and not particularly pure water. Although the wine +merchant had assured Honeybee that the rare vintage he had ordered would +be "there before he was," the young man did not arrive with the bottles +until the next morning. + +"Perhaps the night is too inclement for him to venture out," said +Honeybee; "or perhaps he reflects that we shall drink coffee with our +dinner, and only require wine at breakfast time." + +After dinner the Honeybees had a game of cribbage, but they did not +enjoy it, and soon Georgina went up to bed. Honeybee left her with +Fanny, and then came downstairs again to smoke. He rang the bell and +asked the maid if he could have a bottle of soda-water. + +"The public 'ouses is all closed now," said she, as if repeating a +lesson. + +"Then some plain water please," returned Honeybee dolefully. + +"You'll find some in your bedroom," was the reply. + +With a heavy heart Honeybee went upstairs and took a long and strong +drink of brandy from his flask, diluted from the bottle on his +wash-stand. A fearful night it was--the miserable couple passed it in +fear and trembling. Outside the wind howled and made the ill-fitting +windows rattle continuously. Within the blinds refused to draw down, and +the feather bed was so meagrely filled with feathers that when sleep +began to steal upon Honeybee, he awoke to find himself with his hip-bone +grating against the iron frame of the bedstead. The draught came in +under the door with some force. This was not surprising when one came to +examine the distance between it and the floor. The interval seemed +contrived so as to admit of the carpet being drawn out of the room +without opening the door. + +Bruised and weary, the Honeybees rose next morning. It was raining very +hard, as it had been all night. For breakfast they had some fried eggs +and bacon. The eggs would have been all right if they had been warmed +through; but Honeybee said raw egg was good for the voice. The bacon +would have brought its own punishment to the Jew wicked enough to +indulge in it. They read novels most of the morning. Georgina and Fanny +were occasionally in consultation as to some proposed alterations to a +dress. Honeybee looked out of the window like a caged lion. + +Ah, Heavens! but why should I follow further the agonies of these +wretched people. Indeed, I shrink from recording the sickening details +of their week's stay. The disgusting round of impertinence, +uncleanliness, stupidity, and brutality to which they were subjected is +too odious to recount. Suffice it to say that never had Waterloo Villa +looked so fair as when the Honeybees returned to it after their +"holiday," and Georgina literally danced round the bright clean +dining-room table laid ready for dinner, while Honeybee threw himself +groaning on to his bed, where he lay till aroused by the rattle of +plates and dishes. My goodness, how he did eat! And how Georgina beamed! + + (_By permission of the Author._) + + + THE END. + + + BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. + + + + * * * * * + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: Obvious misprints and punctuation errors have been +silently corrected. + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Humorous Readings and Recitations, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMOROUS READINGS AND RECITATIONS *** + +***** This file should be named 36775-8.txt or 36775-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/7/7/36775/ + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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