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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Humorous Readings and Recitations, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Humorous Readings and Recitations
+       In prose and verse
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Leopold Wagner
+
+Release Date: July 18, 2011 [EBook #36775]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMOROUS READINGS AND RECITATIONS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  HUMOROUS READINGS
+  AND
+  RECITATIONS.
+
+
+
+  HUMOROUS READINGS
+  AND
+  RECITATIONS
+
+  _IN PROSE AND VERSE_.
+
+
+  SELECTED AND EDITED
+
+  BY
+  LEOPOLD WAGNER,
+
+  EDITOR OF
+  "MODERN READINGS AND RECITATIONS,"
+  "NEW READINGS FROM AMERICAN AUTHORS," ETC.
+
+
+  London and New York:
+  FREDERICK  WARNE  AND  CO.
+  1889.
+
+
+
+  LONDON:
+  BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+In introducing to the public a Third Series of "Popular Readings," I
+consider it merely necessary to state that the courtesy of authors and
+publishers has enabled me to bring together a choice selection of
+humorous pieces which have acquired a large share of popularity, in
+addition to a number of others that may justly be regarded as novelties.
+
+Concerning the former, I have so often had occasion to answer inquiries
+respecting particular pieces for recitation, that it occurred to me the
+handy collection of those most generally sought after, but hitherto
+scattered through various publications, would be welcomed by many; and I
+took steps accordingly. How far I have succeeded in my purpose a glance
+at the Contents-list will show. For the fresh matter admitted to these
+pages, I sincerely trust that from among so many new candidates for
+popularity, at least one or two of them may be elected to represent the
+Penny Reading Constituents of each respective Borough for some time to
+come.
+
+Once more I beg to express my indebtedness and thanks to those authors
+and publishers who have so generously placed their copyright pieces at
+my disposal.
+
+                                                               L. W.
+
+BROMPTON.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+                                                                 PAGE
+
+  ACCOMPANIED ON THE FLUTE             _F. Anstey_                  1
+  THE TROUBLES OF A TRIPLET            _W. Beatty-Kingston_         8
+  SLIGHTLY DEAF                        _Bracebridge Hemming_       10
+  THE LADY FREEMASON                   _H. T. Craven_              18
+  WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!            _F. B. Harrison_            24
+  THE FATAL LEGS                       _Walter Browne_             27
+  THE CALIPH'S JESTER                  _From the Arabic_           29
+  A JOURNEY IN SEARCH OF NOTHING       _Wilkie Collins_            32
+  GEMINI AND VIRGO                     _C. S. Calverley_           37
+  KING BIBBS                           _James Albery_              41
+  MOLLY MULDOON                        _Anonymous_                 48
+  THE HARMONIOUS LOBSTERS              _Robert Reece_              52
+  THE PROVINCIAL LANDLADY              _H. Chance Newton_          57
+  MY MATRIMONIAL PREDICAMENT           _Leopold Wagner_            58
+  ETIQUETTE                            _W. S. Gilbert_             62
+  A LOST SHEPHERD                      _Frank Barrett_             65
+  A MATHEMATIC MADNESS                 _F. P. Dempster_            70
+  WAITING AT TOTTLEPOT                 _J. Ashby-Sterry_           72
+  MARRIED TO A GIANTESS                _Walter Parke_              75
+  THE VISION OF THE ALDERMAN           _Henry S. Leigh_            79
+  THE DEMON SNUFFERS                   _Geo. Manville Fenn_        80
+  THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER         _Lewis Carroll_             86
+  MY BROTHER HENRY                     _J. M. Barrie_              89
+  A NIGHT WITH A STORK                 _W. E. Wilcox_              92
+  THE FAITHFUL LOVERS                  _F. C. Burnand_             95
+  THE WAIL OF A BANNER-BEARER          _Arthur Matthison_          96
+  THE DREAM OF THE BILIOUS BEADLE      _Arthur Shirley_            99
+  MY FRIEND TREACLE                    _Watkin-Elliott_           101
+  THE VOICE OF THE SLUGGARD            _Anonymous_                107
+  ARTEMUS WARD'S VISIT TO THE TOWER
+        OF LONDON                      _Chas. Farrar Browne_      108
+  MR. CAUDLE HAS LENT AN ACQUAINTANCE
+        THE FAMILY UMBRELLA            _Douglas Jerrold_          111
+  DOMESTIC ASIDES                      _Tom Hood_                 113
+  THE CHARITY DINNER                   _Litchfield Moseley_       115
+  ACTING WITH A VENGEANCE              _W. Sapte, Jun._           120
+  MY FORTNIGHT AT WRETCHEDVILLE        _George Augustus Sala_     126
+  THE SORROWS OF WERTHER               _W. M. Thackeray_          132
+  MORAL MUSIC                          _Anonymous_                133
+  BILLY DUMPS, THE TAILOR              _Charles Clark_            136
+  ON PUNNING                           _Theodore Hook_            139
+  SEASIDE LODGINGS                     _Percy Reeve_              140
+
+
+
+
+HUMOROUS READINGS
+
+AND
+
+RECITATIONS.
+
+
+
+
+ACCOMPANIED ON THE FLUTE.
+
+F. ANSTEY.
+
+
+The Consul Duilius was entertaining Rome in triumph after his celebrated
+defeat of the Carthaginian fleet at Mylę. He had won a great naval
+victory for his country with the first fleet that it had ever
+possessed--which was naturally a gratifying reflection, and he would
+have been perfectly happy now if he had only been a little more
+comfortable.
+
+But he was standing in an extremely rickety chariot, which was crammed
+with his nearer relations, and a few old friends, to whom he had been
+obliged to send tickets. At his back stood a slave, who held a heavy
+Etruscan crown on the Consul's head, and whenever he thought his master
+was growing conceited, threw in the reminder that he was only a man
+after all--a liberty which at any other time he might have had good
+reason to regret.
+
+Then the large Delphic wreath, which Duilius wore as well as the crown,
+had slipped down over one eye, and was tickling his nose, while (as both
+his hands were occupied, one with a sceptre the other with a laurel
+bough, and he had to hold on tightly to the rail of the chariot whenever
+it jolted) there was nothing to do but suffer in silence.
+
+They had insisted, too, upon painting him a beautiful bright red all
+over, and though it made him look quite new, and very shining and
+splendid, he had his doubts at times whether it was altogether becoming,
+and particularly whether he would ever be able to get it off again.
+
+But these were but trifles after all, and nothing compared with the
+honour and glory of it! Was not everybody straining to get a glimpse of
+him? Did not even the spotted and skittish horses which drew the
+chariot repeatedly turn round to gaze upon his vermilioned features? As
+Duilius remarked this he felt that he was, indeed, the central personage
+in all this magnificence, and that, on the whole, he liked it.
+
+He could see the beaks of the ships he had captured bobbing up and down
+in the middle distance; he could see the white bulls destined for
+sacrifice entering completely into the spirit of the thing, and
+redeeming the procession from any monotony by occasionally bolting down
+a back street, or tossing on their gilded horns some of the flamens who
+were walking solemnly in front of them.
+
+He could hear, too, above five distinct brass bands, the remarks of his
+friends as they predicted rain, or expressed a pained surprise at the
+smallness of the crowd and the absence of any genuine enthusiasm; and he
+caught the general purport of the very offensive ribaldry circulated at
+his own expense among the brave legions that brought up the rear.
+
+This was merely the usual course of things on such occasions, and a
+great compliment when properly understood, and Duilius felt it to be so.
+In spite of his friends, the red paint, and the familiar slave, in spite
+of the extreme heat of the weather and his itching nose, he told himself
+that this, and this alone, was worth living for.
+
+And it was a painful reflection to him that, after all, it would only
+last a day; he could not go on triumphing like this for the remainder of
+his natural life--he would not be able to afford it on his moderate
+income; and yet--and yet--existence would fall woefully flat after so
+much excitement.
+
+It may be supposed that Duilius was naturally fond of ostentation and
+notoriety, but this was far from being the case; on the contrary, at
+ordinary times his disposition was retiring and almost shy, but his
+sudden success had worked a temporary change in him, and in the very
+flush of triumph he found himself sighing to think, that in all human
+probability, he would never go about with trumpeters and trophies, with
+flute-players and white oxen, any more in his whole life.
+
+And then he reached the Porta Triumphalis, where the chief magistrates
+and the Senate awaited them, all seated upon spirited Roman-nosed
+chargers, which showed a lively emotion at the approach of the
+procession, and caused most of their riders to dismount with as much
+affectation of method and design as their dignity enjoined and the
+nature of the occasion permitted.
+
+There Duilius was presented with the freedom of the city and an address,
+which last he put in his pocket, as he explained, to read at home.
+
+And then an Ędile informed him in a speech, during which he twice lost
+his notes, and had to be prompted by a lictor, that the grateful
+Republic, taking into consideration the Consul's distinguished services,
+had resolved to disregard expense, and on that auspicious day to give
+him whatever reward he might choose to demand--"in reason," the Ędile
+added cautiously, as he quitted his saddle with an unexpectedness which
+scarcely seemed intentional.
+
+Duilius was naturally a little overwhelmed by such liberality, and, like
+every one else favoured suddenly with such an opportunity, was quite
+incapable of taking complete advantage of it.
+
+For a time he really could not remember in his confusion anything he
+would care for at all, and he thought it might look mean to ask for
+money.
+
+At last he recalled his yearning for a Perpetual Triumph, but his
+natural modesty made him moderate, and he could not find courage to ask
+for more than a fraction of the glory that now attended him.
+
+So, not without some hesitation, he replied that they were exceedingly
+kind, and since they left it entirely to his discretion, he would
+like--if they had no objection--he would like a flute-player to attend
+him whenever he went out.
+
+Duilius very nearly asked for a white bull as well; but, on second
+thoughts, he felt it might lead to inconvenience, and there were many
+difficulties connected with the proper management of such an animal. The
+Consul, from what he had seen that day, felt that it would be imprudent
+to trust himself in front of the bull, while, if he walked behind, he
+might be mistaken for a cattle-driver, which would be odious. And so he
+gave up that idea, and contented himself with a simple flute-player.
+
+The Senate, visibly relieved by so unassuming a request, granted it with
+positive effusion; Duilius was invited to select his musician, and chose
+the biggest, after which the procession moved on through the arch and up
+the Capitoline Hill, while the Consul had time to remember things he
+would have liked even better than a flute-player, and to suspect dimly
+that he might have made rather an ass of himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+That night Duilius was entertained at a supper given at the public
+expense; he went out with the proud resolve to show his sense of the
+compliment paid him by scaling the giddiest heights of intoxication. The
+Romans of that day only drank wine and water at their festivals, but it
+is astonishing how inebriated a person of powerful will can become, even
+on wine and water, if he only gives his mind to it. And Duilius, being a
+man of remarkable determination, returned from that hospitable board
+particularly drunk; the flute-player saw him home, however, helped him
+to bed, though he could not induce him to take off his sandals, and
+lulled him to a heavy slumber by a selection from the popular airs of
+the time.
+
+So that the Consul, although he awoke late next day with a bad headache
+and a perception of the vanity of most things, still found reason to
+congratulate himself upon his forethought in securing so invaluable an
+attendant, and planned, rather hopefully, sundry little ways of making
+him useful about the house.
+
+As the subsequent history of this great naval commander is examined with
+the impartiality that becomes the historian, it is impossible to be
+blind to the melancholy fact that in the first flush of his elation
+Duilius behaved with an utter want of tact and taste that must have gone
+far to undermine his popularity, and proved a source of much
+gratification to his friends.
+
+He would use that flute-player everywhere--he overdid the thing
+altogether: for example, he used to go out to pay formal calls, and
+leave the flute-player in the hall tootling to such an extent that at
+last his acquaintances were forced in self-defence to deny themselves to
+him.
+
+When he attended worship at the temples, too, he would bring the
+flute-player with him, on the flimsy pretext that he could assist the
+choir during service; and it was the same at the theatres, where
+Duilius--such was his arrogance--actually would not take a box unless
+the manager admitted the flute-player to the orchestra and guaranteed
+him at least one solo between the acts.
+
+And it was the Consul's constant habit to strut about the Forum with his
+musician executing marches behind him, until the spectacle became so
+utterly ridiculous that even the Romans of that age, who were as free
+from the slightest taint of humour as a self-respecting nation can
+possibly be, began to notice something peculiar.
+
+But the day of retribution dawned at last. Duilius worked the flute so
+incessantly that the musician's stock of airs was very soon exhausted,
+and then he was naturally obliged to blow them through once more.
+
+The excellent Consul had not a fine ear, but even he began to hail the
+fiftieth repetition of "Pugnare nolumus," for instance--the great
+national peace anthem of the period--with the feeling that he had heard
+the same tune at least twice before, and preferred something slightly
+fresher, while others had taken a much shorter time in arriving at the
+same conclusion.
+
+The elder Duilius, the Consul's father, was perhaps the most annoyed by
+it; he was a nice old man in his way--the glass and china way--but he
+was a typical old Roman, with a manly contempt for pomp, vanity, music,
+and the fine arts generally, so that his son's flute-player, performing
+all day in the courtyard, drove the old gentleman nearly mad, until he
+would rush to the windows and hurl the lighter articles of furniture at
+the head of the persistent musician, who, however, after dodging them
+with dexterity, affected to treat them as a recognition of his efforts
+and carried them away gratefully to sell.
+
+Duilius senior would have smashed the flute, only it was never laid
+aside for a single instant, even at meals; he would have made the
+player drunk and incapable, but he was a member of the _Manus Spei_, and
+he would with cheerfulness have given him a heavy bribe to go away, if
+the honest fellow had not proved absolutely incorruptible.
+
+So he would only sit down and swear, and then relieve his feelings by
+giving his son a severe thrashing, with threats to sell him for whatever
+he might fetch; for, in the curious conditions of ancient Roman society,
+a father possessed both these rights, however his offspring might have
+distinguished himself in public life.
+
+Naturally, Duilius did not like the idea of being put up to auction, and
+he began to feel that it was slightly undignified for a Roman general
+who had won a naval victory and been awarded a first-class Triumph to be
+undergoing corporeal punishment daily at the hands of an unflinching
+parent, and accordingly he determined to go and expostulate with his
+flute-player.
+
+He was beginning to find him a nuisance himself, for all his old shy
+reserve and unwillingness to attract attention had returned to him; he
+was fond of solitude, and yet he could never be alone; he was weary of
+doing everything to slow music, like the bold, bad man in a melodrama.
+
+He could not even go across the street to purchase a postage-stamp
+without the flute-player coming stalking out after him, playing away
+like a public fountain; while, owing to the well-known susceptibility of
+a rabble to the charm of music, the disgusted Consul had to take his
+walks abroad at the head of Rome's choicest scum.
+
+Duilius, with a lively recollection of these inconveniences, would have
+spoken very seriously indeed to his musician, but he shrank from hurting
+his feelings by plain truth. He simply explained that he had not
+intended the other to accompany him _always_, but only on special
+occasions; and, while professing the sincerest admiration for his
+musical proficiency, he felt, as he said, unwilling to monopolise it,
+and unable to enjoy it at the expense of a fellow-creature's rest and
+comfort.
+
+Perhaps he put the thing a little too delicately to secure the object he
+had in view, for the musician, although he was deeply touched by such
+unwonted consideration, waved it aside with a graceful fervour which was
+quite irresistible.
+
+He assured the Consul that he was only too happy to have been selected
+to render his humble tribute to the naval genius of so great a
+commander; he would not admit that his own rest and comfort were in the
+least affected by his exertions, for, being naturally fond of the flute,
+he could, he protested, perform upon it continuously for whole days
+without fatigue. And he concluded by pointing out very respectfully that
+for the Consul to dispense, even to a small extent, with an honour
+decreed (at his own particular request) by the Republic, would have the
+appearance of ingratitude, and expose him to the gravest suspicions.
+After which he rendered the ancient love-chant, "Ludus idem, ludus
+vetus," with singular sweetness and expression.
+
+Duilius felt the force of his arguments. Republics are proverbially
+forgetful, and he was aware that it might not be safe even for him, to
+risk offending the Senate.
+
+So he had nothing to do but just go on, and be followed about by the
+flute-player, and castigated by his parent in the old familiar way,
+until he had very little self-respect left.
+
+At last he found a distraction in his care-laden existence--he fell
+deeply in love. But even here a musical Nemesis attended him, to his
+infinite embarrassment, in the person of his devoted follower. Sometimes
+Duilius would manage to elude him, and slip out unseen to some sylvan
+retreat, where he had reason to hope for a meeting with the object of
+his adoration. He generally found that in this expectation he had not
+deceived himself; but, always, just as he had found courage to speak of
+the passion that consumed him, a faint tune would strike his ear from
+afar, and, turning his head in a fury, he would see his faithful
+flute-player striding over the fields in pursuit of him with
+unquenchable ardour.
+
+He gave in at last, and submitted to the necessity of speaking all his
+tender speeches "through music." Claudia did not seem to mind it,
+perhaps finding an additional romance in being wooed thus; and Duilius
+himself, who was not eloquent, found that the flute came in very well at
+awkward pauses in the conversation.
+
+Then they were married, and, as Claudia played very nicely herself upon
+the _tibię_, she got up musical evenings, when she played duets with the
+flute-player, which Duilius, if he had only had a little more taste for
+music, might have enjoyed immensely.
+
+As it was, beginning to observe for the first time that the musician was
+far from uncomely, he forbade the duets. Claudia wept and sulked, and
+Claudia's mother said that Duilius was behaving like a brute, and she
+was not to mind him; but the harmony of their domestic life was broken,
+until the poor Consul was driven to take long country walks in sheer
+despair, not because he was fond of walking, for he hated it, but simply
+to keep the flute-player out of mischief.
+
+He was now debarred from all other society, for his old friends had long
+since cut him dead whenever he chanced to meet them. "How could he
+expect people to stop and talk," they asked indignantly, "when there was
+that confounded fellow blowing tunes down the backs of their necks all
+the time?"
+
+Duilius had had enough of it himself, and felt this so strongly that one
+day he took his flute-player a long walk through a lonely wood, and,
+choosing a moment when his companion had played "Id omnes faciunt" till
+he was somewhat out of breath, he turned on him suddenly. When he left
+the lonely wood he was alone, and near it something which looked as if
+it might once have been a musician.
+
+The Consul went home, and sat there waiting for the deed to become
+generally known. He waited with a certain uneasiness, because it was
+impossible to tell how the Senate might take the thing, or the means by
+which their vengeance would declare itself.
+
+And yet his uneasiness was counterbalanced by a delicious relief: the
+State might disgrace, banish, put him to death even, but he had got rid
+of slow music for ever; and as he thought of this, the stately Duilius
+would snap his fingers and dance with secret delight.
+
+All disposition to dance, however, was forgotten upon the arrival of
+lictors bearing an official missive. He looked at it for a long time
+before he dared to break the big seal, and cut the cord which bound the
+tablets which might contain his doom.
+
+He did it at last; and smiled with relief as he began to read: for the
+decree was courteously, if not affectionately, worded. The Senate,
+considering (or affecting to consider) the disappearance of the
+flute-player a mere accident, expressed their formal regret at the
+failure of the provision made in his honour.
+
+Then, as he read on, Duilius dashed the tablets into small fragments,
+and rolled on the ground, and tore his hair, and howled; for the
+senatorial decree concluded by a declaration that, in consideration of
+his brilliant exploits, the State hereby placed at his disposal two more
+flute-players, who, it was confidently hoped, would survive the wear and
+tear of their ministrations longer than the first.
+
+Duilius retired to his room and made his will, taking care to have it
+properly signed and attested. Then he fastened himself in; and when they
+broke down the door next day they found a lifeless corpse, with a
+strange sickly smile upon its pale lips.
+
+No one in Rome quite made out the reason of this smile, but it was
+generally thought to denote the gratification of the deceased at the
+idea of leaving his beloved ones in comfort, if not in luxury; for,
+though the bulk of his fortune was left to Carthaginian charities, he
+had had the forethought to bequeath a flute-player apiece to his wife
+and mother-in-law.
+
+    (_From_ "THE BLACK POODLE," _by permission of Messrs. Longmans,
+      Green, & Co._)
+
+
+
+
+THE TROUBLES OF A TRIPLET.
+
+W. BEATTY-KINGSTON.
+
+
+  I am, I really think, the most unlucky man on earth;
+  A triple sorrow haunts me, and has done so from my birth.
+  My lot in life's a gloomy one, I think you will agree;
+  'Tis bad enough to be a twin--but I am one of three!
+
+  No sooner were we born than Pa and Ma the bounty claimed;
+  I scarce can bear to think they did--it makes me feel ashamed,
+  They got it, too, within a week, and spent it, I'll be bound,
+  Upon themselves--at least, I know I never had _my_ pound.
+
+  Our childhood's days in ignorance were lamentably spent,
+  Although I think we more than paid the taxes, and the rent;
+  For we were shown as marvels, and--unless I'm much deceived--
+  The smallest contributions were most thankfully received.
+
+  We grew up hale and hearty--would we never had been born!--
+  As like to one another as three peas, or ears of corn.
+  Between my brothers _Ichabod_, _Abimelech_ and me
+  No difference existed which the human eye could see.
+
+  This likeness was the cause of dreadful suffering and pain
+  To me in early life--it nearly broke my heart in twain;
+  For while my conduct as a youth was fervently admired,
+  That of my fellow-triplets left a deal to be desired.
+
+  I was amiable, and pious, too--good deeds were my delight,
+  I practised all the virtues--some by day and some by night;
+  Whilst _Ichabod_ imbrued himself in crime, and, sad to say,
+  _Abimelech_, when quite a lad, would rather swear than pray.
+
+  Think of my horror and dismay when, in the Park at noon,
+  An obvious burglar greeted me with, "Hullo, Ike, old coon!"
+  He vanished. Suddenly my wrists were gripped by Policeman X----,
+  "Young man, you are my prisoner on a charge of forgin' cheques."
+
+  He ran me in, and locked me up, to moulder in a cell,
+  The reason why he used me thus, alas! I know too well.
+  He took me for _Abimelech_, my erring brother dear,
+  Who was "wanted" by the Bank of which he'd been the chief cashier.
+
+  Next morn the magistrate remarked, "This is a sad mistake,
+  Though natural enough, I much regret it for your sake;
+  But if you will permit me to advise you, I should say
+  Leave England for some other country, very far away.
+
+  "For if you go on living in this happy sea-girt isle,
+  Although your conduct (like my own) be pure and free from guile,
+  Your likeness to those sinful men, your brothers twain, will lead,
+  I fear, to very serious inconveniences indeed."
+
+  I took the hint, and sailed next day for distant Owhyhee,--
+  As might have been expected, I was cast away at sea.
+  A Pirate Lugger picked me up, and--dreadful to relate--
+  _Abimelech_ her captain was, and _Ichabod_ her mate.
+
+  I loved them and they tempted me. To join them I agreed,
+  Forsook the path of virtue, and did many a ghastly deed.
+  For seven years I wallowed in my fellow-creatures' gore,
+  And then gave up the business, to settle down on shore.
+
+  My brothers on retiring from the buccaneering trade,
+  In which, I'm bound to say, colossal fortunes they had made,
+  Renounced their wicked courses, married young and lovely wives,
+  Went to church three times on Sundays, and led sanctimonious lives.
+
+  As for me,--I somehow drifted into vileness past belief,
+  Earned unsavoury distinction as a drunkard and a thief;
+  E'en in crime, ill-luck pursued me: I became extremely poor,
+  And was finally compelled to beg my bread from door to door.
+
+  I'm deep down in the social scale, no lower can I sink;
+  Upon the whole, experience induces me to think
+  That virtue is not lucrative, and honesty's all fudge,--
+  For _Ichabod's_ a Bishop--and _Abimelech's_ a Judge!
+
+    (_From_ "PUNCH," _by permission of the Proprietors_.)
+
+
+
+
+SLIGHTLY DEAF.
+
+BRACEBRIDGE HEMMING.
+
+
+Mr. Loyd was a retired shopkeeper residing at The Lodge, Norwood. He had
+amassed a fortune of thirty thousand pounds in the grocery business,
+principally by sanding his sugar and flouring his mustard, and other
+little tricks of the trade. Yet he went to church every Sunday with a
+clear conscience. At the time I introduce him to you he was a widower
+with one son, Joseph, aged eighteen.
+
+Joseph was a shy, putty-faced youth, who had the misfortune to be deaf.
+"Slightly deaf," his father called him, but he grew worse instead of
+better, and threatened to become as deaf as a post or a beetle in time.
+Of course his infirmity stood in the way of his getting employment, for
+he was always making mistakes of a ludicrous and sometimes aggravating
+nature. Add to this that Joseph was very lean and his father very fat,
+and you will understand why people called them "Feast and Famine," or
+"Substance and Shadow."
+
+One morning after breakfast, Mr. Loyd, who had been looking over some
+paid bills, exclaimed, "Joe."
+
+Joseph was reading the paper, and made no answer.
+
+"Joe," thundered his father.
+
+This time the glasses on the sideboard rang, and Joseph got up, walked
+to the window and looked out.
+
+"What are you doing?" shouted Mr. Loyd.
+
+"I thought I heard the wind blow," replied Joseph.
+
+"Well! I like that; it was I calling."
+
+"You!"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+Joseph invariably grew very angry if he did not hear anybody, for he was
+ashamed of his deafness; but he often fell into a brown study and was as
+deaf as an adder.
+
+Besides this he was more deaf on one side than on the other, as is often
+the case, and he happened to have his very bad ear turned to his father.
+
+"Why don't you speak out?" said he.
+
+"I did," replied Mr. Loyd.
+
+"You always mumble."
+
+"I halloaed loud enough to wake the dead."
+
+"You know I'm slightly deaf."
+
+"Slightly! You'll have to buy an ear-trumpet."
+
+"Trumpet be blowed," answered Joseph.
+
+"Here, put these bills on the file," exclaimed Mr. Loyd, pointing to the
+bundle.
+
+Joseph advanced to the table, took up the bills, and deliberately threw
+them into the fire, where they were soon blazing merrily.
+
+Mr. Loyd uttered a cry of dismay, sprang up and ran to the grate, but he
+was too late to save them.
+
+"You double-barrelled idiot!" he cried.
+
+"What's the fuss now?" asked Joseph calmly.
+
+He always was as cool as a cucumber, no matter what he did.
+
+"You'll never be worth your salt."
+
+"What's my fault?"
+
+"I said salt."
+
+"Keep quiet and I'll get you some."
+
+"No!" roared Mr. Loyd.
+
+"What did you say so for then? It seems to me you don't know your own
+mind two minutes together."
+
+Mr. Loyd stamped his foot with impatience on the carpet.
+
+"Oh dear! what a trial you are," he exclaimed. "They are receipted
+bills, and I told you to put them on the file. F. I. L. E. Do you hear
+that?"
+
+"I hear it now," responded Joe. "It's a pity you won't speak up."
+
+"So I do."
+
+"They'll never call you leather-lungs."
+
+"Oh Joe, Joe! you'll be the death of me. You're a duffer, and it is no
+use saying you're not. I was going to tell you I'd got a berth for you,
+but I'm afraid you could not keep it."
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"Clerk in the office of my old friend, Mr. Maybrick, the stockbroker."
+
+"Eh!" said Joseph. "What's a mockstoker?"
+
+"A stockbroker," shouted Mr. Loyd.
+
+"Why didn't you say so at first. Do you think I don't know what that is?
+I'm not quite such a fool as that comes to."
+
+"You'd aggravate a saint, Joe."
+
+"Paint your toe! Have you gone mad?"
+
+"Great heavens! I shall hit you; get out," shrieked his father.
+
+"Got the gout. Oh! that's another thing. I thought you'd have it. You
+drink too much port after dinner."
+
+"I say, Joe," cried Mr. Loyd, "are you doing this on purpose? You don't
+understand a word I say; in fact, you misconstrue everything."
+
+"If that is so I can't help it."
+
+"You're getting worse."
+
+"Don't do that," replied Joe gravely.
+
+"Eh?"
+
+"Don't curse me. If I am deaf, that is to say slightly deaf, it is my
+misfortune, not my fault; you ought to make allowance for me, and speak
+louder."
+
+"Do you want me to be a foghorn, or a river steam tug?"
+
+"Certainly not."
+
+"Or a cavalry man's trumpet, or a bellowing bull?"
+
+"No, father."
+
+"Or," continued Mr. Loyd with rising temper, "a spouting whale, an Old
+Bailey barrister, a town-crier, a grampus, a locomotive blowing off
+steam, an Australian bell-bird, or a laughing jackass?"
+
+"I'm sure I never laugh, so you needn't fling that at me."
+
+"I wish you were dumb as well as deaf," groaned Mr. Loyd.
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Because I might then get you into the asylum."
+
+"File 'em," muttered Joseph. "He's still thinking of the bills."
+
+"Confound him," muttered his father. "He's worse than a county court
+judgment. I don't know what to do with him."
+
+To soothe his nerves he lighted a cigar, and looking in the fire puffed
+away at the weed, while Joe again took up the paper and went on reading.
+
+Half-an-hour passed.
+
+Then Mr. Loyd said, "You know you're getting worse, but you're so
+obstinate you won't admit it, and it's six to four you'll not yield."
+
+Joseph looked up with irritating calmness.
+
+"No, thanks," he exclaimed.
+
+"What do you mean?"
+
+"I never bet."
+
+"Who talked about betting?" yelled his father.
+
+"You offered six to four on the field, and----"
+
+"I didn't. Yah!"
+
+"Never mind; I sha'n't take you," replied Joseph.
+
+Mr. Loyd got up and did a war dance.
+
+"Who asked you to?"
+
+"You did. It only wants six weeks to the Derby, and----"
+
+Mr. Loyd lost all control over himself for the moment. He took up the
+coal-scuttle and threw it at his son, which was a very reprehensible
+thing to do; but it did not hurt Joseph, for that intelligent youth saw
+it coming, and ducking his head, it went with a crash through the window
+into the street.
+
+"That's a clever thing to do," said Joseph, without so much as winking.
+"You need not get mad because I won't bet."
+
+His father shook his fist at him.
+
+"You'll be my death," he replied, sinking into a chair with a gasp.
+
+"I can't help it if I am deaf," rejoined the imperturbable Joseph.
+
+"You're sharper than a serpent's tooth."
+
+"It wasn't very sharp of you to break the window."
+
+"Go to Putney!"
+
+"Where am I to get putty?" said Joseph. "Send for a glazier."
+
+"Bless us and save us!" groaned Mr. Loyd.
+
+"There isn't much saving in having a broken window to catch cold by."
+
+Mr. Loyd rushed into the hall, and taking down his hat and coat from the
+rack, put them on.
+
+"Come up to town at once," he exclaimed; "we'll go and see Mr.
+Maybrick."
+
+"What's the good of a hayrick?" asked Joseph simply.
+
+"Eh?"
+
+"You can't stop a hole in a window with a hayrick."
+
+"I said Maybrick, the broker," roared Mr. Loyd, putting his hands to his
+mouth.
+
+"I do wish you'd speak out."
+
+"Get a trumpet. Yah!"
+
+"Trump it! we're not playing whist."
+
+"Oh dear!" sighed Mr. Loyd. "He must be apprenticed to Maybrick. I'll
+pay a premium if it's a hundred pounds. I'm not a hog, and don't want to
+enjoy this all by myself. I'll share it with another. It's too much for
+one to struggle with. I can't undertake the worry single-handed, it's
+too much."
+
+He had to go close up to Joseph and bawl in his ear to make him
+understand what he wanted, for he had never found his son's deafness so
+bad as it was that day.
+
+Joseph was quite willing to go, and quitting the house, they took the
+train and went to town together.
+
+It was yet early in the day, and they reached the broker's office about
+twelve, finding him in and at leisure. During the journey, Mr. Loyd had
+impressed upon Joseph the necessity of keeping his ears open as well as
+he could, for if he made any mistakes he would soon get "chucked," as
+they say in the City, and Joe promised to be as wideawake as his
+infirmity would permit him.
+
+How wideawake this was, we shall see.
+
+Mr. Maybrick had done business with Mr. Loyd for many years, and
+received him in his private office with all the cordiality of an old
+friend.
+
+"Brought my boy to introduce to you," exclaimed the retired grocer.
+
+"Very glad to know the young gentleman," replied Mr. Maybrick; "take a
+chair. Have a cigar. Quite a chip of the old block, I see; what's his
+name?"
+
+"Joseph. Joe for short."
+
+"Very good; now what can I do for you, are you going to open stock?"
+
+"Not to-day."
+
+"Markets are very firm."
+
+"I didn't come for that purpose, Maybrick; I want to get the youngster
+into your office."
+
+"Oh! yes," answered the broker, "I forgot; you spoke about it a little
+while ago."
+
+"Last time I was up, when I bought those 'Russians'!"
+
+"Against my advice, and burnt your fingers over them."
+
+"True."
+
+"Well, I'll take him. One hundred pounds premium, no salary first year,
+then seventy pounds and an annual rise according to ability."
+
+"That will do."
+
+"I hope he's smart."
+
+"Smart as a steel trap, though sometimes he's a little absent-minded;
+and you've got to speak loudly, maybe more than once, but that's only
+now and again. I'll write you a cheque and leave him here, so that he
+will know the ropes."
+
+"Very well, I daresay we shall get on. I've ten clerks, and I've only
+changed once in ten years."
+
+"That speaks well for you."
+
+"I read character, and I'm kind," said Mr. Maybrick. "Sit at my table,
+you'll find pen and ink."
+
+While Mr. Loyd was getting out his cheque-book and writing the draft,
+Mr. Maybrick turned his attention to his new clerk.
+
+"Have you ever been out before?" he queried.
+
+"Go out of the door?" replied Joe. "Yes sir, if you want to say anything
+of a private nature, I'll go with pleasure."
+
+"No! no! do you understand work?"
+
+"I beg your pardon, I sha'n't shirk anything."
+
+"Bless me!" cried the broker, "I mean do you know business?"
+
+"No business," answered Joseph, with a solemn shake of the head; "I am
+sorry for that; times are dull though, all round."
+
+"I've got plenty, you mistake me, don't run away with that idea, you
+won't find this an easy place."
+
+"Got a greasy face, have I?" responded Joseph. "It's not very polite of
+you to tell me that."
+
+"What the----" began Mr. Maybrick, when Joe's father handed him the
+cheque.
+
+"There's the needful," exclaimed Mr. Loyd.
+
+"Thanks," replied the broker, adding, "I say, old friend isn't Master
+Joseph a little hard of hearing?"
+
+"Oh! ah! not that exactly."
+
+"What then?"
+
+"He's got a cold in his head."
+
+"Is that all?"
+
+"Yes, he got his feet wet," said Mr. Loyd confidentially, "and I had to
+bawl at him this morning."
+
+"I thought he was, ahem! a little deaf."
+
+"Bless you no, raise your voice, that's all you've got to do."
+
+"Ah! I see. It's bad to be like that," answered Mr. Maybrick, whose
+doubts were removed. "The weather's been so bad, everyone has had cold
+more or less."
+
+Telling the intelligent Joseph that he should expect him home to dinner
+at seven, Mr. Loyd took leave of the broker, who gave his new clerk some
+accounts to enter in a book, saying that he might sit in his office for
+the remainder of that day and he would find him desk-room on the morrow,
+after which he hurried away to see what was going on in the general
+room.
+
+Joseph hung up his hat and coat, and set to work. He certainly meant to
+do his best. They say a certain place, which the Hebrews call Sheol, is
+paved with good intentions; anyhow the fates were against him. Never
+before had his deafness been so bad. It seemed to have swooped down upon
+and swamped him all at once.
+
+Scarcely had he begun his work than he was startled by the ringing of a
+bell.
+
+It was just over his head and proceeded from the telephone.
+
+Now Joseph knew just as much about a telephone as he did about the
+phonograph or the dot-and-dash system of telegraphy.
+
+He sprang from his chair, turned ghastly pale, and fancied it was an
+alarm of fire.
+
+What should he do?
+
+For fully a minute he stood gazing vacantly at the box and the bell.
+
+Then it rang again.
+
+Joseph jumped half-a-foot in the air.
+
+Then he rushed into the general room, where he found Mr. Maybrick
+talking to a client.
+
+"Please sir, can I disturb you for a moment?" he said.
+
+"I'm very particularly engaged, Loyd," replied the broker.
+
+"Excuse me, but----"
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"There's a bell ringing."
+
+"Oh! the telephone. I forgot to tell you to attend to it."
+
+"It's rung twice."
+
+"Then somebody is in a hurry. Answer and come and tell me what it is."
+
+"How do you do it, sir?"
+
+"Speak through the instrument, ask who it is, and what he wants, and put
+the tube to your ear."
+
+The fright had somewhat stimulated Joseph's powers of hearing, for he
+caught these instructions and hastened back to the inner office. After a
+little experimenting he put himself in communication, and the following
+colloquy ensued.
+
+"Who is it?" asked Joe.
+
+"Oliphant," was the reply.
+
+"Elephant," mused Joe. "That's funny."
+
+But he went at it again.
+
+"What do you want?"
+
+"By one o'clock, sell 10,000 Mex. Rails."
+
+Joe heard this order imperfectly.
+
+"Buy 10,000 ox-tails," he said to himself. "This is a queer business."
+
+Yet he was not discouraged.
+
+Joe had not come into the City for nothing. He meant to do his duty or
+perish in the attempt.
+
+"Right," he answered. "Is that all?"
+
+"Yes. I'll call after lunch for the contract note."
+
+"Very well, sir."
+
+Having received his instructions, Joe, very proud of his success in
+manipulating such a peculiar instrument as the telephone, sought his
+employer.
+
+"Well, Loyd," exclaimed that gentleman.
+
+"It's all right, sir," replied Joe.
+
+"What is?"
+
+"The elephant wants you to buy him 10,000 ox-tails."
+
+Mr. Maybrick elevated his eyebrows.
+
+"Who did you say?" he demanded in a loud voice.
+
+"The elephant."
+
+"Mr. Oliphant, I suppose you mean."
+
+"Ah! it might have been Oliphant, or Boliphant, it was something like
+that."
+
+"Ox-tails. Why not Mex. Rails.? Mexican Railways, you know."
+
+"Humph," said Joe, "very likely."
+
+"Are you sure he said 'buy?'"
+
+"Oh! yes, sir, that was distinct enough, and he said he'd come after
+lunch for the distracting note."
+
+"Contract note."
+
+"It may be that. The gentleman did not speak very distinctly."
+
+"Oliphant has a low voice," said Mr. Maybrick, thoughtfully, "but he's
+one of my best customers. Perhaps he's heard something; he must have got
+some information. I'll have a bit in this myself. Oliphant is a very
+shrewd and careful speculator. That will do, Loyd."
+
+Joseph departed, highly delighted.
+
+"Ha! ha! ha!" laughed Mr. Maybrick when Joe had gone, "my new clerk is
+an odd one; 'Buy 10,000 ox-tails for the elephant,' that's good. I must
+tell that story in the House."
+
+He beckoned to his manager, who was a man named Mappin, and told him to
+buy the required quantity of Mexican railway stock.
+
+"Market's very weak, sir. It's fallen to-day one half already in
+anticipation of a bad dividend," replied Mappin.
+
+"Can't help that."
+
+Mappin went away to execute the order.
+
+An hour elapsed, and a special edition of an evening paper was brought
+into the office.
+
+It contained a telegram from Mexico, stating that there had not been one
+revolution, and two earthquakes in that country before breakfast, as
+usual, that morning. The railway dividend was remarkably good, and
+Mexican Preference Stock went up five per cent., at which price the
+broker took upon himself to close the account, thinking his client would
+be well satisfied with his profits.
+
+"Clever fellow, Oliphant," muttered Mr. Maybrick; "up to every move on
+the board. Deuced clever!"
+
+At that moment Mr. Oliphant, who was a stout, red-faced man, inclined to
+apoplexy, rushed into the office.
+
+He was agitated, and looked as if he was going to have a fit.
+
+"Close the account," he gasped.
+
+"I have done so," was the reply.
+
+"What at?"
+
+"A rise of five per cent."
+
+"It will ruin me," groaned Oliphant.
+
+"How? you telephoned me to buy."
+
+"I said 'sell.'"
+
+"Then my clerk made a mistake," exclaimed Maybrick; "but it's a lucky
+mistake for both you and I, for I followed your lead."
+
+"You're joking!"
+
+"Never was more serious in my life. I'll give you a cheque at once."
+
+Mr. Oliphant's face brightened.
+
+"And I'll give your wooden-headed clerk a ten pound note," he said.
+
+"That may console him for his dismissal," said Maybrick, dryly.
+
+"Are you going to get rid of him?"
+
+"Most decidedly. I cannot afford to keep a clerk who makes errors of
+that kind. This time it has come out all right; next time it may be all
+wrong."
+
+"Just so," replied Mr. Oliphant.
+
+He handed Maybrick the ten pounds, which the broker gave to Mappin,
+telling him to present it to Joseph, and inform him that his services
+would not be any longer required, and the premium his father had paid
+should be returned by post. Then the broker gave Mr. Oliphant his
+unexpected profits, and they went out to have a bottle of champagne
+together.
+
+Mappin sought Joseph.
+
+"What are you doing?" he asked.
+
+"Doing sums," replied Joe, which was his idea of book-keeping.
+
+"Well, you need not do any more."
+
+"No, I don't think it a bore," said Joe. "It's all in the day's work,
+don't you know?"
+
+"You're not wanted here."
+
+"Can't I hear? what do you know about it?"
+
+"The fool's deaf," cried Mappin, raising his voice. "Take this tenner
+and go."
+
+Joe heard this plain enough.
+
+"Sacked!" he said, laconically.
+
+"Yes," replied Mappin, nodding his head vigorously.
+
+"What for?"
+
+"Playing the fool with the telephone. We've no use for you."
+
+"Oh! very well. I thought I shouldn't answer."
+
+"You see, we don't run our business on the silent system."
+
+Joe put on his hat and coat, with that perfect unconcern which always
+distinguished him.
+
+"Good morning," he said, pocketing the note. "I say, I don't think much
+of telephones, do you?"
+
+"Yes, it's a very clever invention."
+
+"Ah! there's no accounting for taste."
+
+With these words Joseph quitted the office, and took a walk in the City.
+
+    (_From_ "AWFUL STORIES," _by permission of_ Messrs. DIPROSE &
+      BATEMAN.)
+
+
+
+
+THE LADY FREEMASON.
+
+H. T. CRAVEN.
+
+
+    Vainly we seek it, Sanscrit or Greek writ
+  In hist'ry, the myst'ry of Solomon's secret:--
+  The dark queen of Sheba p'raps tried to get hold of it,
+  But didn't; at least if she _did_, we're not told of it.
+  If McAbel of Lodge number one lets it slip,
+  His brother O'Cain of Lodge two, gives the grip
+    _Ą la garotte_ they say. Be that as it may,
+  The Cowan is somehow put out of the way.
+  So now if you've fear for my prudence, dispel it;
+  First place, I don't know--next, I don't mean to tell it
+  But praise a shrewd guess, if you think I deserve it,
+  The cream of the secret is--_how to preserve it_!
+  A sworn brother mason who'd ever disseminate
+  His knowledge, or blab, would be worse than effeminate!
+  On feminine weakness, though, let me be reticent,
+  Rememb'ring the tale of the famous Miss Betty St.
+  Ledger, whose name sheds a permanent grace on
+  One fifty--the Lodge of the Lady Freemason.
+
+    My Lord Doneraile, Ne'er known to fail
+  In duties masonic, held land in entail
+  With a mansion near Dublin, of such wide dimension,
+  That a Freemason's Lodge of no little pretension
+  Was warranted, charter'd, and duly appointed,
+  And worshipful ruler my lord was anointed.
+  No master, 'twas said, ever laid down the law so;
+  No masons kept secrets so sacred--or swore so!
+  None drill'd and so skill'd were, in sep'rate degree,
+  By the P. M. presiding (of course my Lord D.)
+  It beggars description--you'd fail to appreciate
+  The hubbub within when they met to '_initiate_.'
+
+    Such tyling and tapping, Such knocking and rapping,
+  Such shrieks and such squeaks--such clapping and slapping
+  Such mauling and hauling and tearing and swearing,
+  Such whisp'ring of secrets and 'tell-if-you-dare'-ing--
+    Such groans and such yells, And such roast-goosey smells,
+  When the poker was used--like the scene in 'The Bells'
+  You doubtless have thought so appalling--enerving--
+  You'd think 'twas some madman, who thought himself Irving;
+    The cauterization, On good information,
+  Amounted, I say, to a partial cremation;
+  And sore on the subject were all Erin's gay sons
+  Next day, when the boys gave 'em sauce for 'fried masons.'
+
+  Be it known that Miss Betty was Doneraile's daughter,
+  And one Richard Aldworth aspired to court her,
+  Yet made his advances with progress so scanty,
+  He really remain'd much _in statu quo ante_;
+    His motto was '_Spero_,' But hope was at zero;
+  In the lady's eye Dick didn't pose as a hero
+  When her father, Lord Doneraile, ask'd of him, whether
+  He'd join the F.M.'s; he had shown the white feather!
+  Whereat the proud beauty declared that no other
+  Should e'er be _her_ slave than 'a man and a _brother_':
+  So Dick, having dined, and not quite _compos mentis_,
+  Agreed to go in for an 'entered apprentice.'
+
+  The eve had arrived, and the hall so baronial,
+  Was deck'd in due form for the night's ceremonial;
+  Miss Betty, in passing downstairs, chanced to see
+  Tho' the Chubb had been lock'd, they had left in the key
+  Of a small ante-room of some minor utility,
+  But prized by the Lodge for its accessibility:
+  Miss said to herself, 'Tho' I fear the attempt, I
+  Should like just to see what a Lodge is like--empty!'
+    Oh! daughters of Eve, There are some who believe
+  Your tongues are your weakness--your failing, verbosity;
+    While others contend, You'll never amend
+  Of that fault Mrs. Bluebeard possess'd--curiosity!
+  Now I--though I'd fain dub such slanders as petty--
+  Own they do say as much of dear, charming Miss Betty:
+    Tho' found to be equal, To hold tongue or speak well
+  With other good masons--but wait for the sequel!
+
+  In through this outer door--closing it warily;
+  Out through an inner door--softly and fairyly--
+  _She's there!_ In the Lodge, where wax tapers are blazing,
+  All deftly arranged with precision amazing:--
+  In the east for the Worshipful Boss is a throne.
+  In the west, Senior Warden--the places all shown
+  (No doubt to prevent any squabbles or wrangles)
+  Initiall'd on chair-backs, in gilded triangles;
+  On a table deep myst'ries we must not unravel--
+  The Mallet, the Plumb, and the Gauge, and the Gavel!
+  Other engines whose uses we fear to unriddle--
+  The Thumb-screw--the Pincers--a Poker--a Griddle!
+  With tapers and papers and paraphernalia,
+  Blue ribbons and jewels and things call'd 'Regalia!'
+  The silence and solitude there were delicious;
+  And any one caring to feel superstitious,
+  Might fancy the ghosts of freemasons, translated
+  To Lodges above--or below--reinstated,
+  Array'd in their mouldy old aprons; each brother
+  Past Master, who'd passed from this world to another.
+
+  But horror of horrors! whilst here she was musing,
+  Came footsteps without, and--oh! sound most confusing!
+  She heard the key turned. (That same key that beguiled
+  In the first-mention'd door.) _Now_ 'twas lock'd and fast tyled!
+  She rush'd to the ante-room, wild to get back,
+  But this cooled her courage, 'twas now _cul de sac_;
+  And hark! In the Lodge--to augment her disaster--
+  The Masons assembling, escorting the Master!
+  To hide while she thought how to 'scape from mishap,
+  She closed t'other door of this snug little trap;
+  That door has a crevice, and thereby new woes arise,
+  To secrets forbidden in vain 'tis to close her eyes;
+  How can she but note the masonic particulars,
+  With no cotton-wool to cram in her auriculars?
+  She heard her dad ask, most distinctly--and trembled
+  At Dogberry's words--"Are we here all dissembled?"
+
+  Then commenced ceremonials misty and mystical,
+  Questions and answers in form catechistical.
+  My lord, in a tone both emphatic and sonorous,
+  Impressing on each that his duties were onerous;
+  (One duty, to Betty, seem'd highly improper--
+  'Twas 'kill, without questioning, any eavesdropper!')
+  When the master, with sudden and well-feigned dismay,
+  For he very well knew that he'd got it to say,
+    Cried 'Hark, there is danger, I feel that a stranger
+  Who's seeking for knowledge is coming this way!'
+  Each took up a napkin--the end dipt in water,
+  And cried '_Porkitotius!_ Give him no quarter!'
+  While outside the door sundry knocks loud and clamorous
+  (As Vulcan might deal when in humour sledge-hammerous)
+  Were echoed within by three knocks--just the same,
+  With the pertinent query--'How now! What's your game?'
+  And a chap (_déshabillé_) in great perturbation
+  Is 'run in,' very much like a prig to a station.
+
+  Disguised as he was, through the _ą-propos_ hole
+  The lady identified Aldworth's red poll,
+  And thought, 'Well, I wish you, poor fellow, good luck,
+  Or--more to the purpose--I wish you, good pluck!'
+  For her father was urging in solemn oration,
+  'You need, my young friend, for your fearful probation
+  Endurance--true Courage--and strong Veneration!
+  We commence with (don't grin, sir!) a pleasant frivolity:--
+  Just give of Endurance a taste of your quality;
+  'Tis nothing--a towelling. Brothers, prepare!'
+  Then each had a flick at Dick's legs--which were bare:
+  He danced and he pranced at each cut of the towel
+  And prod from the rear with a sharp-pointed trowel,
+  And look'd--as he caper'd in lily-white kilt--
+  The ghost of a Highlander dancing a lilt.
+    To Scotch eyes, however, The steps might seem clever,
+  Dick show'd less a hero in Betty's than ever,
+  And shock'd, when he cried--cutting up rather rough--
+  'D longstroke your optics--hold hard! That's enough!'
+
+  'Enough?' said the worshipful, 'Yes, of this fun!
+  Stern proof of your courage has not yet begun;
+  D'ye hear, sir, those knocks? Brothers, let in the stoker,
+  And form a procession to bring in the poker!
+  See the surgeon is ready to make all secure
+  With lancet and tourniquet, bandage and ligature!'
+    But why freeze your marrow--Your feelings why harrow?
+  Your hearts are too soft and our space is too narrow
+  To tell all the horrors! 'Twould fill you with awe
+  To listen to half that Elizabeth saw:--
+  Let us come to Dick's howl--such a howl!--which as soon
+  As she heard it, Miss Betty fell down in a swoon
+    All in a lump, With a bump and a thump
+  That made all the brothers to gape and to jump.
+    And turn pale and cry, 'Bedad there's a spy
+  Shut up in that closet, and there he shall die!
+
+  To rush to the chamber--to find what was in it
+  And seize the eavesdropper--was the work of a minute;
+    To lift up and shake her, To rouse up and wake her
+  To consciousness--then in the Lodge-room to take her,
+  Was work for six brothers, who cried as they brought her,
+    'We've sought her and caught her!' My lord cried, 'My daughter!'
+  And sunk down as needing, himself, a supporter:--
+    In rush'd the tylers, Crusty old file-ers!
+  With anger 'a busting their blessed old bilers;'
+    Looking so grim at her, One raised his cimeter,
+  And to very short shift was advancing to limit her,
+  As 'Hold!' cried my lord, 'Hear your master--or rather,
+  I'd speak to you all, as her judge--not her father!
+  Perchance she knows nothing, and, if she will swear it,
+  Her life shall be spared--_I_, your _Master_, will spare it!
+  Oh, tell me, my child, what you've seen--what you've heard?'
+  The truthful girl sobb'd, 'Ev'ry act! ev'ry word!'
+  'Alas,' faltered he, 'you have seal'd your own doom!'
+  And 'Down with the spy!' cried each one in the room;
+    One raised a dagger, Some shouted 'Scrag her!'
+  Some raised a trap-door, and rush'd forward to drag her,
+  When a voice like a thunder-clap topp'd all the rest,
+    And Dick semi-dress'd Presented his breast
+  Before her, 'Strike _here_!' was his manly request:
+    'Strike me if you dare, By jingo, I swear
+  Of her you shall touch not so much as a hair!
+    I mean, my good sirs, Whatever occurs
+  To your lives or mine, you shall not take _hers_!
+  Her white arm how dare you place finger or fist on?'
+  And Dick, shooting out his own arm like a piston,
+  Knock'd over a senior warden who held her;
+  Sent spinning a middle-aged junior--his elder,
+    Hit out at a tyler, A blatant reviler,
+  Mash'd the mug of a masher call'd 'Tim' the Beguiler;
+  'Look out!' cried another, 'The Saxon's a bruiser!'
+  And straightway got one on his 'conk'--a confuser!
+    A dozen unitedly Shouted excitedly
+  'Fell him, or else this young fellow will wallop us!'
+    Down went two deacons, Not very weak ones,
+  And a blow on the nose of the third burst a polypus,
+  When the hero (Dick now at the title arrives,
+  Denied him before he had handled his fives,
+    So many bawling, Reeling and sprawling,
+  For each brother knocked down another in falling),
+  Had 'flutter'd the Voices' from east to the west,
+  He paused like a warrior taking his rest,
+  Or Spartan who'd caused lots of Persians to topple, he
+  Took breath--as _he_ did at a place call'd Thermopylę.
+
+  Now outspoke my lord in a masterful way,
+  'A truce and a parley! I've something to say!
+  'Tis writ in our laws "If an eavesdropper pries
+  And filches our secrets, he (mark the HE!) dies!"
+  Now this is a _she_--therefore _not_ an eavesdropper;
+  To kill her, I say, would be highly improper
+    Unless she objects. To do as directs
+  The master (c'est moi!). Now mark what I say next!
+    Let's make her a mason, And put a good face on
+  The matter, believing she'll prove not a base one;
+  I'll take on myself--ending doubt and confusion--
+  To write to Great Queen Street and get absolution!'
+    Then upspake the stoker--A regular croaker,
+  'I'd like to know how you'll get over the poker!'
+  'Long ago,' said my lord---the precise _annus mundi_
+  'I can't call to mind--_regno Coli Jucundi_,
+  (A monarch whose province was Pipo-cum-Fiddlum--
+  A part of the region of Great Tarrididdlom)
+  Sundry by-laws were pass'd for emergencies various
+  Whereby the submission to brand is vicarious:
+    Will some volunteer (_Her_ substitute here)
+  Submit to the crucial test? 'Tis severe!'
+    Dick on now spake, 'E'en to the stake
+  'I'll go, like a martyr, as proxy to take
+  All over again for the dear lady's sake;--
+  That is (here he tenderly glanced), she approving?'
+  'I do!' said the maiden, in accent quite loving.
+  'Agreed!' shouted all who'd been punch'd, 'Be it so!'
+  Glad, no doubt, of the chance to give Dick _quid pro quo_.
+
+  The lady withdrew, in well-guarded condition;
+  The deck's quickly clear'd for the second edition
+    Of flicks and of kicks, Pinching and licks,
+  Twingeing and singeing--but murmur of Dick's
+  None heard e'en a word; he was truly heroic,
+  And went through it all with a smile, like a stoic;
+  And when he--so rumpled from processes recent--
+  Retired to make himself decently decent,
+  Miss St. Ledger return'd--resolution her face on--
+  Took the oaths, and was enter'd a 'Prenticed Freemason!
+
+
+Moral.
+
+  When you meet with a mason, just mention this lass;
+  I warrant she'll prove an excuse for a glass!
+  If he's a true brother, the toast is a favourite,
+  He's good for a bottle, but mind _you_ don't pay for it!
+    You've but to edge her Name in, and pledge her,
+  The Lady Freemason--MISS BETTY ST. LEDGER!
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!
+
+_From the French of M. Charles Monselet, by_ F. B. HARRISON.
+
+
+I cannot deceive myself--I was horribly tipsy last night. Let him who
+has never been in the like case throw the first empty bottle at me!
+
+How did it happen? In this way. I, a civilian, reading law, was invited
+to dine at the garrison mess. I had never been at a similar
+entertainment, and I cannot but think, now that I look back on it, that
+the officers played some trick on me. I only knew that they were
+prodigiously polite, which always looks suspicious. From a certain
+point, from the third course, I remember very little; a sort of cloudy
+curtain intercepts the view like the curtains that come down in a
+pantomime, and I don't know whether I was Clown, or Pantaloon, or
+Columbine.
+
+Yet something must have happened to me, a great many things. I've been
+sleeping in my white tie; and then my face! What a shockingly yellow,
+dissipated face! Upon my word, it is a pretty affair! At my time,
+one-and-twenty, to be overcome by wine like a schoolboy out for a
+holiday!
+
+I cannot express what I think of it.
+
+How am I to know what happened last night? Ask my landlady? No; I cannot
+let her see how ashamed I am. Besides, she would only know the condition
+in which I came home; and that I can guess.
+
+They say that from a single bone Professor Owen can reconstruct an
+entire antediluvian animal; I must try and do something similar to
+reconstruct my existence during the last twelve or fourteen hours. I
+must get hold of two or three clues.
+
+Where can I find them?
+
+In my pockets, perhaps.
+
+Since I was a small boy I have always had the habit of stuffing them
+with all manner of things. Now, this is the time for me to search them.
+
+I tremble. What shall I find?
+
+    [_Searches his waistcoat pocket._
+
+I have gently insinuated two fingers into my waistcoat-pocket,
+and have brought out my purse. Empty! Hang it!
+
+    [_Lifts his overcoat from the floor._
+
+On picking up my overcoat I have found my pocket-book, half open, and
+the papers fallen from it on the carpet.
+
+The first of these papers which catches my eye is the _carte_ of last
+night's dinner. Well, who was there? How many of us? Several of the
+fellows I knew, of course; but which of them? Happy thought! The _menu_
+will remind me of their various tastes and reveal their names to me.
+
+'Oysters.' Well, I know that the Colonel is a tremendous hand at
+oysters, so I am sure he was there.
+
+'Mulligatawny.' That is Captain Simpkin's soup, or rather liquid fire,
+so Simpkins was there. Two of them.
+
+'Roast Beef.' Makes me think of little Dumerque, the Jersey man, who
+wants to be a thorough Englishman. He was there.
+
+'Saddle of Mutton.' Tom Horsley, the inveterate steeple-chaser.
+
+'Charlotte Russe.' That is Ned Walker, who published his travels from
+"Peterborough to Petersburg." Now I know pretty well who some of my
+fellow-guests were. As for the others----
+
+    [_Picks up some photographs._
+
+Hallo! were there women at the mess? No, certainly not. Then we must
+have talked of women, and the men must have given me photographs of
+their female relatives. Strange thing to do! especially as I don't know
+the ladies. Here's an ancient and fish-like personage in a blue jersey.
+Dumerque's grandmother, I'll be bound. Here a stout, middle-aged dame,
+widow probably. I know Simpkins wants to marry a widow, but why give me
+her portrait?
+
+And this--this is charming! Quite in the modern style--low forehead,
+small nose, tiny mouth, all eyes, and what splendid eyes! and such
+lashes! She is fair, as well as one can judge from a photograph. And the
+little curls on her forehead are like rings of gold. And so young, a
+mere child. A lovely figure; our forefathers would have compared her to
+a rose-tree, but then our forefathers were not strong in similes. She
+has neither ear-rings nor necklace; perhaps that gives her that look of
+disdain. Disdain! she knows nothing yet of life, but tries to seem tired
+of it. They are all like that.
+
+Who is she? She must be the Colonel's daughter; I've heard that his
+daughter is a pretty girl. I must have expressed my warm admiration of
+the photograph, and he must have responded by giving it to me. Did I ask
+him for her hand? Did he refuse it? or did he put off his reply? Perhaps
+that was why I drank too much.
+
+Now let me proceed. What further happened? Let me continue my
+researches.
+
+    [_Tries the pockets of his overcoat._
+
+By Jingo! Two visiting cards! The first says:
+
+  "Captain Wellington Spearman,
+    FIRST ROYAL LANCER DRAGOONS."
+
+The other:
+
+  "Major Garnet Babelock Cannon,
+    RIFLE ARTILLERY."
+
+Now, what does it all mean? I do not know those military gentlemen. They
+must have been guests like myself. How do I come to have their cards?
+There must have been some dispute, some quarrel, some row. These two
+cards must have been given in exchange for two of mine.
+
+It all comes back to me!
+
+A duel--perhaps two duels!
+
+But duels about what? Whom did I affront? I know I'm an awful fire-eater
+when I've drank too much. But was I the challenger or the challenged? I
+think my left cheek is rather swollen as if from a blow; but that is
+mere fancy. What dreadful follies have I got myself into?
+
+I can make out some pencil marks on the first card, that of the Captain
+in the Lancer Dragoons. Yes. "Ten o'clock, behind St. Martin's Church."
+
+Ah, a hostile meeting, that is clear. I must run, perhaps I shall be in
+time.
+
+No, too late; it is half-past eleven.
+
+I am dishonoured, branded as a coward! No one will believe me when I say
+that I had a headache, and overslept myself on the morning of a duel.
+
+I have no energy to look further in my pocket. Still, one never
+knows----
+
+    [_Brings out a handkerchief._
+
+A handkerchief--a very fine one--thin cambric. But it is not one of
+mine. There is a coronet in the corner. How did I come by this
+handkerchief? Could I have stolen it? I seem to be on the road to the
+county gaol.
+
+Oh, how my head aches!
+
+A flower is in my button-hole. How did it come there? Forget-me-nots;
+their blue eyes closed, all withered and drooping. I could not have
+bought so humble a bouquet at the flower-shop; it must have been given
+me. It was given me, it came to me from the fair one with golden curls.
+Her father gave it to me from her, knowing that I was about to risk my
+life--to risk my life for her sake, no doubt.
+
+Yes, that is it. My fears increase. I dread to know more. I am afraid to
+prosecute my researches in my pockets. I may find my hands full of
+forget-me-nots--or of blood!
+
+Oh! ah! by jove!
+
+What now?
+
+This overcoat is not mine. No, mine is dark grey, this is light grey. I
+have not travelled through my pockets, but through the pockets of
+somebody else.
+
+But then--if the coat is not mine, neither is the duel.
+
+Not mine the _carte_.
+
+Not mine the photographs.
+
+Not mine the forget-me-nots.
+
+Not mine the cards.
+
+I have not stolen the handkerchief.
+
+I am all right; thank goodness I am all right!
+
+And my romance about the Colonel's lovely daughter--I am sorry about it,
+upon my word. At least, I am sorry for her, for I fear now she will
+never make my acquaintance.
+
+    (_By permission of_ MESSRS. R. BENTLEY & SON.)
+
+
+
+
+THE FATAL LEGS.
+
+WALTER BROWNE.
+
+
+I am an actor, or rather, I call myself one. I am, however,
+"disengaged;" the more so since Widow Walker has----. But let me not
+anticipate; which, by-the-bye, I never could have done--no matter. I
+took apartments, comfortably furnished, with a widow lady named Walker.
+I was "first floor back"; and "first floor front" was Mr. Simon Simpkin,
+of the ---- Theatre. The widow always called us "first floors," either
+"back" or "front," and never by our names, although we never called her
+out of hers. If we had, she would not have come. She was an obstinate
+woman, but at times she got confused. She always called me in the
+morning, and once she called me "front," and then went to Simpkin with
+my shaving water. When I called her back, she called me something else,
+and threw the pitcher at me. I was in hot water for a while.
+
+The Widow Walker was fair, fat, and forty--that is, rather fair,
+extremely fat, and very forty. She might be more; at any rate her voice
+was forte too. The actor, Simpkin, was fragile and long. He played heavy
+parts, which possibly was the cause of his constant complaint that he
+had not got his share of "fat." Although lengthy, he was even less in
+his various diameters than I was, still I longed for his length. And
+why? The Widow Walker wallowed in wealth untold, and I could see she
+smiled upon the suit of Simon Simpkin. Well she might. It was
+second-hand. He, too, was a widower, or rather, he would have been if
+his wife had lived. I mean, if she had lived to be his wife. But she
+didn't. She died before the fatal knot was tied; in fact, it was not
+tied at all. No matter, he had loved before, while my suit was brand
+new. I determined to try it on. I longed to win the widow for my wife--I
+should say for myself. One day I saw the actor kiss her through the
+keyhole. We were rivals from that moment--at least I was. He didn't see
+me, or he would have been one too; I mean one also. That is to say there
+would have been two of us, whereas there was only one of me--no matter.
+
+The widow went a good deal to the theatre. She ordered him, and he gave
+her orders--that is, "passes for two." He knew her size. She always took
+"twos" in seats. He did the villains at the theatre, while I did the
+hero at home. He bellowed in blank verse, while I blew the kitchen fire
+with the bellows. He mashed her, while I mashed the potatoes for supper.
+But I determined to beard the clean-shaved lion in his lair. In short,
+or rather, at length, I obtained an engagement, and became an actor. My
+rival and myself now stood on the same footing. I mean we should have
+done, only, in a word, we didn't. Simon Simpkin, as before observed,
+indeed observed anyhow, was slender as a willow wand, and appropriately
+pliable, especially about the legs. Still, on the stage, his nether
+limbs looked round and well proportioned. His calves might pass for
+cows, and his knees were second elbows, or rather, "Elba's"--they held a
+bony part in exile.
+
+On the other hand--I should say legs--my tights were always loose, and
+while the widow smiled on his understanding, she smiled _at_ mine. I
+thirsted for my hated rival's blood, or rather for his flesh, more
+correctly speaking, for the shape of his legs--technically, for his
+"leg-shapes." Having failed in an attempt to have his blood by means of
+a darning-needle, I determined to go for his shapes. I went for them one
+night before the performance. I went to his dressing-room and got them.
+That night the Widow Walker was in front. I was desperate. I was
+determined that she should see her Simpkin in all his naked--I should
+say his unpadded--deformity, and that mine--that is, my limbs--should be
+resplendent in his borrowed plumes. But alas, all my plans--and
+myself--were violently overthrown--by Simpkin.
+
+I had merely insinuated one leg in the woolly pads, when he insinuated
+another somewhere else. We argued the matter all over my dressing-room.
+Meanwhile, time jogged merrily along. The curtain was raised, and so
+were we eventually; but unfortunately I had only retained one half of
+those precious pads. The right was left on my leg, but Simpkin had
+carried off the left leg all right! What was I to do? My left leg would
+not look right, or if it did, my right would be wrong. There was no
+time, however, for consideration, as my face required sponging before
+applying the sticking-plaster, and eventually I had to hobble on to the
+stage with two odd understandings--that is, one odd one and one even
+one. Even that was odd, which appears odd--no matter.
+
+Fortunately I went on from the O.P. side, which enabled me to put my
+best leg foremost. In the centre of the stage I met Simpkin, who had
+entered from the prompt side. The widow gazed with rapture on us both,
+until, oh, horror! after a short scene it was necessary that each of us
+should retire to the place from whence we came. We advanced towards it,
+backwards, and mutually stumbling, our other legs became exposed to
+view. A yell from the audience, the sack from the management, and a
+week's notice from the widow, subsequently greeted us. Besides which,
+Simpkin and myself are not on the best of terms. We get into argument
+when we meet in the streets. I stay at home a good deal now.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+THE CALIPH'S JESTER.
+
+(FROM THE ARABIC.)
+
+
+  On a _musnud_ of state was reclining the Caliph, the Mighty Haroun;
+  His brow like the sun it was shining, his face it was like the full moon,
+
+  And his courtiers around him were standing, like stars in an indigo sky,
+  And the _saki_ the wine-cup was handing--for the monarch, though pious,
+          was dry.
+
+  And the poets their works were reciting in Arabic numbers divine,
+  The hearts of all hearers delighting with verses like Afdhal's or mine.
+
+  Then the Caliph glared round the assembly, as a lion glares round on the
+          herd,
+  And the knees of the courtiers grew trembly, and their hearts fluttered
+          e'en as a bird;
+
+  And cold drops were distilled from each forehead, and each tongue to its
+          palate did cling,
+  For their fear of their Caliph was horrid--he was such a passionate king!
+
+  At length in a voice that with passion was shaking, it pleased him to
+          speak:--
+  "Does he know whom he treats in this fashion? Did you e'er behold aught
+          like his cheek?
+
+  "This poet, this jester, this chaffer, this pig's son, this bullock,
+          this ass,
+  This black-hearted, black-visaged Kaffir, this Infidel, ABU NUWAS!"
+
+  "I bade him come hither to meet us, in this serious Council of State;
+  And this is the way he dares treat us. Ye dogs, he is five minutes late!"
+
+  Then the heart of his Highness relented; Rashid was of changeable mood;
+  "Maybe he's been somehow prevented; to get in a rage does no good.
+
+  "His jests, too, are always so pleasant, one somehow his impudence
+          stands;
+  Besides, poor Mesrour just at present has plenty of work on his hands.
+
+  "But although I can't perfectly tame him till he goes to the Nita to
+          school,
+  At least I can thoroughly shame him, and make him appear like a fool.
+
+  "Slaves, fetch me some eggs--not new laid--you can find some stale ones
+          that will do.
+  Now execute quick what I bade you, or else I will execute _you_."
+
+  They brought him the eggs in a charger, all studded with many a pearl,
+  The same pattern--though just a bit larger--as that of Herodias' girl;
+
+  And the Caliph took one egg, and hid it away in his cushion, which done,
+  He bade them all do so. They did it; and sat down awaiting the fun.
+
+  With an air that was saucy and braggish, with a step that was jaunty and
+          spruce,
+  With a smile that was merry and waggish, with a mien that was reckless
+          and loose,
+
+  With a "How is your high disposition to-morrow, if God should so will?"
+  With a "Here in our ancient position, your Majesty seeth us still!"
+
+  With a face all be-chalked and be-painted, with a bound through the
+          portal doth pass
+  One with whom we're already acquainted, the world-renowned Abu Nuwas!
+
+  "Right welcome! Right welcome! my brother!" his Majesty smilingly spake,
+  "We were just now in want of another, a nice game at forfeits to make.
+
+  "Whatever I do you must watch it, and each do precisely the same--
+  If I catch you chaps laughing you'll catch it! sit still and attend to
+          the game.
+
+  "If you do just as I do, precisely, a _dīnār_ apiece shall ye gain,
+  If you don't, won't I give it you nicely--Mesrour you stand by with the
+          cane!"
+
+  He spake: and the smile on his features was mischievous, cunning and
+          grim,
+  And the courtiers, poor awe-stricken creatures, smiled feebly and gazed
+          upon him.
+
+  "Cluck, cluck, cluck aroo!" representing the note of a jubilant hen,
+  The Caliph arises, presenting an egg, to the sight of all men.
+
+  "Cluck, cluck, cluck aroo!" and the rabble are all at once up on their
+          legs,
+  And with ornithological gabble display their mysterious eggs.
+
+  Then without in the least hesitating steps Abu Nuwas before all.
+  "Cock-a-doodle doo doo!" imitating a rooster's hilarious call.
+
+  "Now I know why it is that you cackle," said he, "when you're trying
+          to talk!
+  And you find me a hard one to tackle, because I am COCK OF THE WALK!"
+
+    (_From_ "TEMPLE BAR," _by permission of the Editor_.)
+
+
+
+
+A JOURNEY IN SEARCH OF NOTHING.
+
+WILKIE COLLINS.
+
+
+"Yes," said the doctor, pressing the tips of his fingers with a
+tremulous firmness on my pulse, and looking straight forward into the
+pupils of my eyes, "yes, I see: the symptoms all point unmistakeably
+towards one conclusion--Brain. My dear sir, you have been working too
+hard; you have been following the dangerous example of the rest of the
+world in this age of business and bustle. Your brain is over-taxed--that
+is your complaint. You must let it rest--there is your remedy."
+
+"You mean," I said, "that I must keep quiet, and do Nothing?"
+
+"Precisely so," replied the doctor. "You must not read or write; you
+must abstain from allowing yourself to be excited by society; you must
+have no annoyances; you must feel no anxieties; you must not think; you
+must be neither elated nor depressed; you must keep early hours and take
+an occasional tonic, with moderate exercise, and a nourishing but not
+too full a diet--above all, a perfect repose is essential to your
+restoration, you must go away into the country, taking any direction you
+please, and living just as you like, as long as you are quiet and as
+long as you do Nothing."
+
+"I presume he is not to go away into the country without ME," said my
+wife, who was present at the interview.
+
+"Certainly not," rejoined the doctor, with an acquiescent bow. "I look
+to your influence, my dear madam, to encourage our patient in following
+my directions. It is unnecessary to repeat them, they are so extremely
+simple and easy to carry out. I will answer for your husband's recovery
+if he will but remember that he has now only two objects in life--to
+keep quiet, and to do Nothing."
+
+My wife is a woman of business habits. As soon as the doctor had taken
+his leave, she produced her pocket-book, and made a brief abstract of
+his directions for our future guidance. I looked over her shoulder and
+observed that the entry ran thus:--
+
+  "RULES FOR DEAR WILLIAM'S RESTORATION TO HEALTH.--No reading; no
+  writing; no excitement; no annoyance; no anxiety; no thinking. Tonic.
+  No elation of spirits. Nice dinners. No depression of spirits. Dear
+  William to take little walks (with me). To go to bed early. To get up
+  early. _N.B._--Keep him quiet. _Mem._ Mind he does Nothing."
+
+Mind I do nothing? No need to mind that. I have not had a holiday since
+I was a boy. Oh, blessed Idleness, after the years of merciless
+industry that have separated us, are you and I to be brought together
+again at last? Oh, my weary right hand, are you really to ache no longer
+with driving the ceaseless pen? May I, indeed, put you in my pocket and
+let you rest there, indolently, for hours together? Yes! for I am now,
+at last, to begin--doing Nothing. Delightful task that performs itself!
+Welcome responsibility that carries its weight away smoothly on its own
+shoulders!
+
+These thoughts shine in pleasantly on my mind after the doctor has taken
+his departure, and diffuse an easy gaiety over my spirits when my wife
+and I set forth, the next day, for the journey. We are not going the
+round of the noisy watering-places, nor is it our intention to accept
+any invitations to join the circles assembled by festive country
+friends. My wife, guided solely by the abstract of the doctor's
+directions in her pocket-book, has decided that the only way to keep me
+absolutely quiet, and to make sure of my doing nothing, is to take me to
+some pretty, retired village, and to put me up at a little primitive,
+unsophisticated country inn. I offer no objection to this project--not
+because I have no will of my own, and am not master of all my
+movements--but only because I happen to agree with my wife. Considering
+what a very independent man I am naturally, it has sometimes struck me,
+as a rather remarkable circumstance, that I always do agree with her.
+
+We find the pretty, retired village. A charming place, full of thatched
+cottages, with creepers at the doors, like the first easy lessons in
+drawing-masters' copy-books. We find the unsophisticated inn--just the
+sort of house that the novelists are so fond of writing about, with the
+snowy curtains, and the sheets perfumed by lavender, and the matronly
+landlady, and the amusing signpost.
+
+This Elysium is called the Nag's Head.
+
+Can the Nag's Head accommodate us? Yes, with a delightful bedroom, and a
+sweet parlour. My wife takes off her bonnet, and makes herself at home
+directly. She nods her head at me with a look of triumph. "Yes, dear, on
+this occasion also I quite agree with you. Here we have found perfect
+quiet; here we may make sure of obeying the doctor's orders; here we
+have at last discovered--Nothing."
+
+Nothing! Did I say Nothing? We arrive at the Nag's Head late in the
+evening, have our tea, go to bed tired with our journey, sleep
+delightfully till about three o'clock in the morning, and, at that hour,
+begin to discover that there are actually noises, even in this remote
+country seclusion. They keep fowls at the Nag's Head; and at three
+o'clock, the cock begins to crow, and the hen to cluck, under our
+window. Pastoral, my dear, and suggestive of eggs for breakfast whose
+reputation is above suspicion; but I wish these cheerful fowls did not
+wake quite so early. Are there, likewise, dogs, love, at the Nag's
+Head, and are they trying to bark down the crowing and clucking of the
+cheerful fowls? I should wish to guard myself against the possibility of
+making a mistake, but I think I hear three dogs. A shrill dog, who barks
+rapidly; a melancholy dog, who howls monotonously; and a hoarse dog, who
+emits barks at intervals, like minute guns. Is this going on long?
+Apparently it is. My dear, if you will refer to your pocket-book, I
+think you will find that the doctor recommended early hours. We will not
+be fretful and complain of having our morning sleep disturbed; we will
+be contented, and will only say that it is time to get up.
+
+Breakfast. Delicious meal, let us linger over it as long as we can,--let
+us linger, if possible, till the drowsy mid-day tranquillity begins to
+sink over this secluded village.
+
+Strange! but now I think of it again, do I, or do I not, hear an
+incessant hammering over the way? No manufacture is being carried on in
+this peaceful place, no new houses are being built; and yet, there is
+such a hammering, that, if I shut my eyes, I can almost fancy myself in
+the neighbourhood of a dock-yard. Waggons, too. Why does a waggon which
+makes so little noise in London, make so much noise here? Is the dust on
+the road detonating powder, that goes off with a report at every turn of
+the heavy wheels? Does the waggoner crack his whip or fire a pistol to
+encourage his horses? Children, next. Only five of them, and they have
+not been able to settle for the last half-hour what game they shall play
+at. On two points alone do they appear to be unanimous--they are all
+agreed on making a noise, and on stopping to make it under our window. I
+think I am in some danger of forgetting one of the doctor's directions;
+I rather fancy I am actually allowing myself to be annoyed.
+
+Let us take a turn in the garden, at the back of the house. Dogs again.
+The yard is on one side of the garden. Every time our walk takes us near
+it, the shrill dog barks, and the hoarse dog growls. The doctor tells me
+to have no anxieties. I am suffering devouring anxieties. These dogs may
+break loose and fly at us, for anything I know to the contrary, at a
+moment's notice. What shall I do? Give myself a drop of tonic? or escape
+for a few hours from the perpetual noises of this retired spot, by
+taking a drive? My wife says, take a drive. I think I have already
+mentioned that I invariably agree with my wife.
+
+The drive is successful in procuring us a little quiet. My directions to
+the coachman are to take us where he pleases, so long as he keeps away
+from secluded villages. We suffer much jolting in by-lanes, and
+encounter a great variety of bad smells. But a bad smell is a noiseless
+nuisance, and I am ready to put up with it patiently. Towards dinner
+time we return to our inn. Meat, vegetables, pudding, all excellent,
+clean and perfectly cooked. As good a dinner as ever I wish to
+eat;--shall I get a little nap after it? The fowls, the dogs, the
+hammer, the children, the waggons, are quiet at last. Is there anything
+else left to make a noise? Yes: there is the working population of the
+place.
+
+It is getting on towards evening, and the sons of labour are assembling
+on the benches placed outside the inn, to drink. What a delightful scene
+they would make of this homely everyday event on the stage! How the
+simple creatures would clink their tin mugs, and drink each other's
+healths, and laugh joyously in chorus! How the peasant maidens would
+come tripping on the scene and lure the men tenderly to the dance! Where
+are the pipe and tabour that I have seen in so many pictures; where the
+simple songs that I have read about in so many poems? What do I hear as
+I listen, prone on the sofa, to the evening gathering of the rustic
+throng? Oaths,--nothing, on my word of honour, but oaths! I look out,
+and see gangs of cadaverous savages drinking gloomily from brown mugs,
+and swearing at each other every time they open their lips. Never in any
+large town, at home or abroad, have I been exposed to such an incessant
+fire of unprintable words, as now assail my ears in this primitive
+village. No man can drink to another without swearing at him first. No
+man can ask a question without adding a mark of interrogation at the end
+in the shape of an oath. Whether they quarrel (which they do for the
+most part), or whether they agree; whether they talk of their troubles
+in this place, or their good luck in that; whether they are telling a
+story, or proposing a toast, or giving an order, or finding fault with
+the beer, these men seem to be positively incapable of speaking without
+an allowance of at least five foul words for every one fair word that
+issues from their lips. English is reduced in their mouths to a brief
+vocabulary of all the vilest expressions in the language. This is an age
+of civilisation; this is a Christian country; opposite me I see a
+building with a spire, which is called, I believe, a church; past my
+window, not an hour since, there rattled a neat pony chaise with a
+gentleman inside clad in glossy black broad cloth, and popularly known
+by the style and title of clergyman. And yet, under all these good
+influences, here sit twenty or thirty men whose ordinary table-talk is
+so outrageously beastly and blasphemous, that not a single sentence of
+it, though it lasted the whole evening, could be printed as a specimen
+for public inspection, in these pages. When the intelligent foreigner
+comes to England, and when I tell him (as I am sure to do) that we are
+the most moral people in the universe, I will take good care that he
+does not set his foot in a secluded British village when the rural
+population is reposing over its mug of small beer after the labours of
+the day.
+
+I am not a squeamish person, neither is my wife, but the social
+intercourse of the villagers drives us out of our room, and sends us to
+take refuge at the back of the house. Do we gain anything by the change?
+None whatever.
+
+The back parlour to which we have now retreated, looks out on a
+bowling-green; and there are more benches, more mugs of beer, more
+foul-mouthed villagers on the bowling-green. Immediately under our
+window is a bench and table for two, and on it are seated a drunken old
+man and a drunken old woman. The aged sot in trousers is offering
+marriage to the aged sot in petticoats with frightful oaths of
+endearment. Never before did I imagine that swearing could be twisted to
+the purposes of courtship. Never before did I suppose that a man could
+make an offer of his hand by bellowing imprecations on his eyes, or that
+all the powers of the infernal regions could be appropriately summoned
+to bear witness to the beating of a lover's heart under the influence of
+the tender passion. I know it now, and I derive little satisfaction from
+gaining the knowledge of it. The ostler is lounging about the
+bowling-green, scratching his bare brawny arms and yawning grimly in the
+mellow evening sunlight. I beckon to him, and ask him at what time the
+tap closes? He tells me at eleven o'clock. It is hardly necessary to say
+that we put off going to bed until that time, when we retire for the
+night, drenched from head to foot, if I may so speak, in floods of bad
+language.
+
+I cautiously put my head out of window, and see that the lights of the
+tap-room are really extinguished at the appointed time. I hear the
+drinkers oozing out grossly into the pure freshness of the summer night.
+They all growl together; they all go together. All?
+
+Sinner and sufferer that I am, I have been premature in arriving at that
+happy conclusion! Six choice spirits, with a social horror in their
+souls of going home to bed, prop themselves against the wall of the inn,
+and continue the evening's conversazione in the darkness. I hear them
+cursing at each other by name. We have Tom, Dick, and Sam, Jem, Bill,
+and Bob, to enliven us under our window after we are in bed. They begin
+improving each other's minds, as a matter of course, by quarrelling.
+Music follows, and soothes the strife, in the shape of a local duet,
+sung by voices of vast compass, which soar in one note from howling bass
+to cracked treble. Yawning follows the duet; long, loud, weary yawning
+of all the company in chorus. This amusement over, Tom asks Dick for
+"backer," and Dick denies that he has got any, and Tom tells him he
+lies, and Sam strikes in and says, "No, he doan't," and Jem tells Sam he
+lies, and Bill tells him that if he was Sam he would punch Jem's head,
+and Bob, apparently snuffing the battle afar off, and not liking the
+scent of it, shouts suddenly a pacific "good night" in the distance. The
+farewell salutation seems to quiet the gathering storm. They all roar
+responsive to the good night of Bob. Next, a song in chorus from Bob's
+five friends. Outraged by this time beyond all endurance, I spring out
+of bed and seize the water-jug. I pause before I empty the water on the
+heads of the assembly beneath; I pause, and hear--O! most melodious,
+most welcome of sounds!--the sudden fall of rain. The merciful sky has
+anticipated me; the "clerk of the weather" has been struck by my idea of
+dispersing the Nag's Head Night Club by water. By the time I have put
+down the jug and got back to bed, silence--primeval silence, the first,
+the foremost of all earthly influences--falls sweetly over our tavern at
+last.
+
+That night, before sinking wearily to rest, I have once more the
+satisfaction of agreeing with my wife. Dear and admirable woman! she
+proposes to leave this secluded village the first thing to-morrow
+morning. Never did I share her opinion more cordially than I share it
+now. Instead of keeping myself composed, I have been living in a region
+of perpetual disturbance; and, as for doing nothing, my mind has been so
+agitated and perturbed that I have not even had time to think about it.
+We will go, love--as you so sensibly suggest--we will go the first thing
+in the morning to any place you like, so long as it is large enough to
+swallow up small sounds. Where, over all the surface of this noisy
+earth, the blessing of tranquility may be found, I know not; but this I
+do know: a secluded English village is the very last place towards which
+any man should think of turning his steps, if the main object of his
+walk through life is to discover quiet.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+GEMINI AND VIRGO.
+
+C. S. CALVERLEY.
+
+
+  Some vast amount of years ago,
+    Ere all my youth had vanish'd from me,
+  A boy it was my lot to know,
+    Whom his familiar friends called Tommy.
+
+  I love to gaze upon a child;
+    A young bud bursting into blossom;
+  Artless, as Eve yet unbeguiled,
+    And agile as a young opossum:
+
+  And such was he. A calm-brow'd lad,
+    Yet mad, at moments, as a hatter:
+  Why hatters as a race are mad
+    I never knew, nor does it matter.
+
+  He was what nurses call a "limb;"
+    One of those small misguided creatures
+  Who, tho' their intellects are dim,
+    Are one too many for their teachers:
+
+  And, if you asked of him to say
+    What twice 10 was, or 3 times 7,
+  He'd glance (in quite a placid way)
+    From heaven to earth, from earth to heaven;
+
+  And smile, and look politely round,
+    To catch a casual suggestion;
+  But make no effort to propound
+    Any solution of the question.
+
+  And not so much esteemed was he
+    Of the authorities: and therefore
+  He fraternized by chance with me,
+    Needing a somebody to care for:
+
+  And three fair summers did we twain
+    Live (as they say) and love together;
+  And bore by turns the wholesome cane
+    Till our young skins became as leather:
+
+  And carved our names on every desk,
+    And tore our clothes, and inked our collars;
+  And looked unique and picturesque,
+    But not, it may be, model scholars.
+
+  We did much as we chose to do;
+    We'd never heard of Mrs. Grundy;
+  All the theology we knew
+    Was that we mighn't play on Sunday;
+
+  And all the general truths, that cakes
+    Were to be bought at half a penny,
+  And that excruciating aches
+    Resulted if we ate too many:
+
+  And seeing ignorance is bliss,
+    And wisdom consequently folly,
+  The obvious result is this--
+    That our two lives were very jolly.
+
+  At last the separation came,
+    Real love, at that time, was the fashion;
+  And by a horrid chance, the same
+    Young thing was, to us both, a passion.
+
+  Old Poser snorted like a horse:
+    His feet were large, his hands were pimply,
+  His manner, when excited, coarse:--
+    But Miss P. was an angel simply.
+
+  She was a blushing, gushing thing;
+    All--more than all--my fancy painted;
+  Once--when she helped me to a wing
+    Of goose--I thought I should have fainted.
+
+  The people said that she was blue:
+    But I was green, and loved her dearly.
+  She was approaching thirty-two;
+    And I was then eleven, nearly.
+
+  I did not love as others do;
+    (None ever did that I've heard tell of);
+  My passion was a byword through
+    The town she was, of course, the belle of:
+
+  Oh sweet--as to the toilworn man
+    The far-off sound of rippling river;
+  As to cadets in Hindostan
+    The fleeting remnant of their liver--
+
+  To me was ANNA; dear as gold
+    That fills the miser's sunless coffers;
+  As to the spinster, growing old,
+    The thought--the dream--that she had offers.
+
+  I'd sent her little gifts of fruit;
+    I'd written lines to her as Venus;
+  I'd sworn unflinchingly to shoot
+    The man who dared to come between us:
+
+  And it was you, my Thomas you,
+    The friend in whom my soul confided,
+  Who dared to gaze on--to do,
+    I may say, much the same as I did.
+
+  One night I saw him squeeze her hand;
+    There was no doubt about the matter;
+  I said he must resign, or stand
+    My vengeance--and he chose the latter.
+
+  We met, we "planted" blows on blows:
+    We fought as long as we were able:
+  My rival had a bottle-nose,
+    And both my speaking eyes were sable.
+
+  When the school-bell cut short our strife,
+    Miss P. gave both of us a plaister;
+  And in a week became the wife
+    Of Horace Nibbs, the writing-master.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  I loved her then--I'd love her still,
+    Only one must not love Another's:
+  But thou and I, my Tommy, will,
+    When we again meet, meet as brothers.
+
+  It may be that in age one seeks
+    Peace only: that the blood is brisker
+  In boys' veins, than in theirs whose cheeks
+    Are partially obscured by whisker;
+
+  Or that the growing ages steal
+    The memories of past wrongs from us.
+  But this is certain--that I feel
+    Most friendly unto thee, oh Thomas!
+
+  And whereso'er we meet again,
+    On this or that side the equator,
+  If I've not turned teetotaller then,
+    And have wherewith to pay the waiter,
+
+  To thee I'll drain the modest cup,
+    Ignite with thee the mild Havannah;
+  And we will waft, while liquoring up,
+    Forgiveness to the heartless ANNA.
+
+    (_By permission of_ MRS. CALVERLEY.)
+
+
+
+
+KING BIBBS.
+
+JAMES ALBERY.
+
+
+"It's all through that Liberal Government."
+
+These were the words uttered by King Bibbs as he stood in the rain
+without an umbrella; and it was not the first time he had uttered them.
+
+Think of it! There stood King Bibbs in the rain without an umbrella.
+
+Once upon a time King Bibbs had a beautiful palace; but there came a
+Liberal Government, and they promised the nation economy.
+
+Their policy was to save and censure, to cut down everything they did
+pay for, and to cut up everything they did not.
+
+They contracted that every soldier in the army should have one nail less
+in his boots, and they blamed the last Government for not having
+soldiers who required no boots at all. They arranged that the royal
+charwomen should clean the floors of the Government offices with soap
+without sand or with sand without soap; and they censured the late
+Government for having floors that wanted any cleaning. They cut down the
+amount and the quality of the cheese required for the royal mousetraps,
+and they pointed out to a plundered people that the last Government were
+entirely to blame for there being any mice. They voted that the royal
+weather-cock on the national stable should be re-gilt only once in six
+years, instead of once in five, and they made it clear, at least to
+their own party, that it was entirely owing to the tactics of the late
+Government that weather-cocks were required at all; and it must be
+admitted that upon this point the late Government were a little bit with
+them.
+
+It was a _fine time_, and the nation that King Bibbs reigned over might
+well feel proud.
+
+They did.
+
+But you know that if you keep the stove going by what you can spare from
+your household furniture, the time will come when you will be a little
+at a loss for firewood.
+
+What would you do? You cannot part with the comfortable chair you sit
+in, and your friends must have their little places; so very likely, if
+you had no respect for time-honoured things, you would break up some
+grand old cabinet that your forefathers loved, but that to you appeared
+useless, and so you'd keep the stove going. And as long as the fire
+lasted, you and your friends would be warm and snug in your places.
+
+That's just what our Government did--not ours, of course--but the one I
+am talking of.
+
+They turned their eyes on the king's palace, and they said the nation
+cannot be saddled with this expense.
+
+They had already saved the nation about a farthing per head per annum,
+and this new sacrifice would save about an eighth as much more. But you
+must understand that every man looked at the amount saved in the lump;
+he never thought of the farthing that was put in his pocket in return
+for the time he wasted in attending public meetings, but had a vague
+idea that the golden thousands talked of were in some remote way his
+rescued property.
+
+What a splendid show of justice, wasn't it now, when bills were
+plastered all over King Bibbs's palace, to say those desirable premises
+would be sold by public auction on such a date?
+
+It touched the people to the core; they gave up half a day to flock
+round the palace, and read the bills; they lost another half-day's work
+to see the palace sold; they spent a day's wages to get drunk to
+celebrate this crowning stroke of economy, and in their wild delight at
+the justice done them, they quite forgot to bank the one-eighth of a
+farthing which the generous Government had put into their pockets.
+
+How common it is to say, we go from bad to worse, and on that principle
+I suppose it was that this Liberal Government went from good to better.
+
+If it was good that the poor king should give up his palace and live
+like a private gentleman, would it not be better that he should go a
+grade lower, and live like a retired tradesman?
+
+The odd fact was, that the more they stripped poor King Bibbs of the
+sacred paraphernalia that once adorned his life, the more useless he
+appeared in the eyes of his subjects; and he was cut down from a palace
+to a mansion, and from a mansion to a villa; from having one hundred
+horses to ten; and from ten to none. And so it was that King Bibbs came
+to be walking in the rain without an umbrella; and so it was, as he
+reflected on the past he exclaimed,--
+
+"It's all through that Liberal Government."
+
+His most gracious Majesty had been to the reading-rooms to look at the
+morning papers, and see what his Government were doing. It may seem
+wrong that he should thus waste a penny; but remember, it was his duty
+to see how his people were getting on. As he left the rooms there was a
+quiet, sad smile on the king's face.
+
+"Ah," he muttered, "my prime minister is very clever, but he is all
+ambition and vanity; he tries to sail the ship with nothing but flags. I
+do wish he would take in the bunting and put out some canvas, so that we
+might have a little real progress instead of so much show."
+
+At this time he was just turning the corner of Daisy Road on his way
+home, when suddenly it began to rain.
+
+"Bless me," said his Majesty, "it's going to pour, and I've forgotten my
+umbrella, I shall have my crown quite spoilt. Dear! dear! dear!"
+
+The rain fell faster, and the poor king had yet two miles to go. His
+ermine was getting quite damp.
+
+"What am I to do?" he exclaimed. "I shall be wet through. Dear! dear! I
+shall be obliged to take a cab."
+
+The king looked along the road, and saw one coming. "Hi! hi!" shouted
+his most gracious Majesty, and he waved his sceptre till it almost flew
+out of his hand.
+
+"Going home to change," said the cabman, with a careless air.
+
+"Don't you know I'm the king?" said poor Bibbs.
+
+"Oh, yes, you're know'd well enough," sneered the cabman; "give my love
+to the old woman."
+
+"There, there!" said the poor monarch, appealing plaintively to the
+empty street; "there, that comes of having a Liberal Government; as soon
+as I get a change I'll be a despot."
+
+You see the true royal spirit in him was not quite crushed.
+
+The rain fell faster, and King Bibbs took off his crown and was looking
+at the great wet spots on the red cotton velvet when a loud voice
+exclaimed:--"Does your most gracious Majesty want a cab?"
+
+The king was about to enter the cab without a word, when a ragged boy
+officiously stood by the wheel.
+
+"What do you want?" said the boy's sovereign.
+
+"To keep your most gracious Majesty's royal robe from touching the
+wheel," said the boy.
+
+"I can do it myself," said the king, in quite an angry tone.
+
+Now in the ordinary way a monarch would look upon such an attention as
+simply his due, but he knew this ragged young subject was looking for
+patronage; he wanted a copper, and the king felt he could not afford it.
+All who have studied the workings of the human heart know how we conceal
+our motives even from ourselves. To look at King Bibbs you would have
+thought he simply resented the boy's officiousness. He tried to persuade
+himself so, but the underlying feeling was his annoyance at not having a
+copper to spare. How he would have blushed if any of the Great Powers of
+Europe could have seen him at that moment!
+
+"Go to the devil," said the king to his subject. "Go away! go away!"
+
+"Blow'd if I pay my income tax next week!" said the young traitor as he
+made a very wicked face at the back of the cab.
+
+"That's a bad boy," muttered Bibbs, as the cab drove off.
+
+Now Bibbs, like many another proud spirit, had enjoyed the noble
+pleasure of refusing, which is only felt when you have full power to
+comply. When you are forced to refuse through weakness, it is very
+galling to a monarch, or even to one of us.
+
+"A d--d bad boy!" he exclaimed, and as if the truth would out in spite
+of him he muttered: "It's all thro' that Liberal Government."
+
+The house to which King Bibbs had directed the cabman to drive him, was
+what is now called a villa. It was one of a row, and was certainly not
+at all suggestive of a palace. Still it had a nice breakfast-parlour
+underground, and a handsome little drawing-room, with folding doors,
+upstairs. The rent was low, and the neighbourhood was considered, by
+those who lived there, fashionable.
+
+At first poor Bibbs was treated with some respect, but after a time he
+fell into contempt, for kings, like other people, must keep their
+places.
+
+On arriving at his house the king stepped from the cab and took out his
+purse. It would have done any Liberal Government good to see a
+constitutional monarch like Bibbs rubbing the edges of certain light
+coins to see if they were threepennies or fourpennies. But it would not
+have done any one good to see the look on the cabman's face as he
+received his fare. The king turned to go indoors.
+
+"Here, hi!" shouted the cabman.
+
+"What's the matter?" asked the king.
+
+"What's the matter? As if your most gracious Majesty did not know! I
+want another sixpence."
+
+"You've got your fare," said the king.
+
+"Got my fare!" retorted the cabman; "you're a pretty gracious Majesty,
+you are. You go about rolling in luxury and wealth out of the hard
+earnings of sich as me, and that's the way you use the money. Bah! The
+sooner you're done away with altogether the better. What good are you?
+Why you ain't worth the crown on your head."
+
+The cabman drove away to swear, and the king paused to reflect. It took
+the king some time to calculate, but he found he cost that cabman, at
+his present rate of expenditure--he cost that cabman about an eighth of
+a farthing every ten years.
+
+The king's lips moved, though he breathed no word; but any one who had
+watched the kind mouth would have seen that he was muttering something
+about that Liberal Government.
+
+He took out his latch-key and let himself in; he paused in the passage,
+gently wiped his crown on the sleeve of his robe, and hung it on a
+hat-peg, and, placing his sceptre in the stand beside his forgotten
+umbrella--forgetfulness that had cost him a shilling--walked slowly into
+the parlour.
+
+He sat down to meditate. You have only to read your Shakespeare to know
+this is the way of kings. He soliloquised somewhat in this fashion:
+
+"It's quite clear the cheaper I get the more useless I appear. While I
+was surrounded with pomp, the people ran after and applauded me; now I
+get abused by a low cabman. I was like a grand ruin: while the columns
+stand, and the broken entablatures lie about in picturesque profusion,
+it is visited, made pictures of, and admired. But take away the old
+adornments, clear away the ground, and leave only a little pile of
+useless earth to mark the spot, and Admiration and Wonder, as they turn
+their backs on it, will soon find Respect at their heels--I see my
+fate."
+
+The king grew reckless, and ordered an egg for his tea.
+
+You have only to read your poets, and you will see that these sudden
+desperate acts foreshadow impending doom.
+
+At the moment that Bibbs was wiping a small spot of egg from his beard,
+his ministers were holding a cabinet council to determine what should be
+their next move to keep up their popularity.
+
+There was nothing to cut down but the places of themselves and their
+friends and relations. That was out of the question. The labourer is
+worthy of his hire, and they had laboured hard to get into their present
+position.
+
+How would it be if they determined that the king should no longer
+receive any help from the State, but earn his own living? A little hard
+work would be good for the king's constitution.
+
+The idea was a popular one. It was carried out. But poor King Bibbs was
+too old to work, so it occurred to one of the ministers, who knew a City
+gentleman who had an ugly daughter that he wanted to marry to a person
+of rank, that by his influence the poor king might be got into an
+almshouse.
+
+After some difficulty it was done, and his most gracious Majesty found
+himself in possession of two small rooms and ten shillings a week.
+
+Any reasonable old monarch, you would think, might have been very
+comfortable under these circumstances, but wherever he turned he met
+unfriendly glances. People said almshouses were meant for industrious
+but unfortunate tradesmen and their wives, and not for bloated old
+emperors and kings. Here was a monarch not only grinding them down with
+taxation, but actually taking from them the just reward of virtuous old
+age.
+
+At last it happened that a shopkeeper died insolvent, and his aged widow
+was destitute. There was nothing for it but to put her on the parish,
+which would be an expense, or get her into an almshouse.
+
+The matter touched the pockets of the parishioners, and you may be
+pretty sure that soon a fine clamour was raised. What had the king done
+to deserve charity? Nothing. Meetings were held, bundles of letters were
+sent to the newspapers, and at last the influential City gentleman, who
+meant to stand for the borough at the next election, was forced to turn
+out King Bibbs or lose his popularity.
+
+The influential gentleman assured his most gracious Majesty that he
+turned him out with great reluctance.
+
+What was to be done now? It was pretty clear that the king must go on
+the parish. But what parish?
+
+It mattered not where he had lived, he had never paid his rates, and not
+a parish would have him. Vestries met and discussed the matter. It was
+referred to committees, minutes were brought up and referred back again;
+meantime poor Bibbs, who would not go in as a casual, was left, like old
+Lear, to perish.
+
+It is true that on the first night an old Chartist, who was once
+imprisoned for treason, took pity on him, and gave him a bed, but when
+the king found out who his benefactor was, his old pride arose within
+him, and he turned away.
+
+His most gracious Majesty might have been seen feeling with his
+thumb-nail the edge of his last coin. It was smooth; King Bibbs had but
+threepence in the world.
+
+At this moment he saw some men with advertising boards on their backs.
+He looked at them; they were old and feeble. Ah! thought the king, I
+think I am strong enough to carry boards. He went up to one of the men,
+and asked him most respectfully where he got his employment.
+
+The man turned round and sneered out,--
+
+"Oh, you want to rob _us_ now, do you? You want to take the crust out of
+our mouths. You ain't content with grinding _us_ poor working men down
+with taxes--you ain't content with having every luxury down to
+almhouses, but you must interfere with _us_. If I catch your most
+gracious Majesty with _half_ a board on your back, I'll just smash you.
+There!"
+
+It will be observed that the people had lost nothing of the outward show
+of respect, and always addressed the king in the proper way.
+
+Poor Bibbs bought a penny biscuit, and with the remaining twopence a
+piece of card and a bit of string. He wrote on the card,
+
+  "PRAY PITY A POOR CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCH."
+
+And with his crown in his hand to get whatever charity would give, he
+went into the bitter world to beg his way down to the grave.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Things went on merrily with the ministry for years. They filled all the
+old places and invented new. They put the king's head on the coin, and
+put the coin in their pockets.
+
+But one fine day a certain Eastern despot with whom they had been
+intriguing, thought it a politic thing to pay King Bibbs a visit IN
+STATE. Here was a pretty kettle of fish! What were they to do for a
+king?
+
+It would never do to tell the Eastern despot they didn't know where
+their king was, and they did not care; he would have broken with them at
+once.
+
+They sent in all directions to inquire for the king, but he was not to
+be found.
+
+They then tried an advertisement:--
+
+  IF THIS SHOULD MEET THE EYE OF KING BIBBS,
+  he is requested to return to his disconsolate ministers, and
+  all shall be forgiven.
+
+But poor Bibbs had not seen a newspaper for years, and his ministers
+were left disconsolate.
+
+Then appeared another advertisement:--
+
+  LOST, A KING ANSWERING TO THE NAME OF BIBBS.
+  If any one will take him to the Treasury he will be _liberally_
+  rewarded.
+
+Now it so happened that a quiet man of business, as he was passing along
+a country highway, saw a poor old half crazy man eating a few dry
+crusts. By his side was a bent sceptre, and on his head an old and
+battered crown, while his robe of royal purple was torn and soiled, and
+the ermine on it worn nearly bare and black.
+
+As the stranger approached him, the old man took off his crown, and in a
+feeble voice said, "Pray pity a poor constitutional monarch."
+
+The stranger looked in his face and exclaimed, "Good heaven, poor soul,
+what has brought you to this?"
+
+The old man brushed a tear away from his sunken eye, and muttered--
+
+"It was all through that Liberal Government!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A week after a great city was all aglare with flags, and ablare with
+trumpets. The streets were lined with people, and a procession passed,
+at the head of which was a grand carriage drawn by eight horses. In the
+carriage sat a feeble old man in a splendid robe, and with a new crown
+that he kept taking off as he bowed to the multitude. At his side was
+the splendid Eastern despot, who bowed too, for the people not only said
+"Long live King Bibbs!" but they wished the splendid Eastern despot long
+life as well. Near the palace gates as they returned, the king left off
+bowing, and some were shocked at his pride and some at his pallor.
+
+A few days after there was a grand and solemn procession.
+
+And again, a few days after that, a grand and glorious procession.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Government were true to their policy, and the wording of their
+advertisement. The stranger who had found King Bibbs, after wasting
+years in applications, received a note to say his affair was under
+consideration.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+MOLLY MULDOON.
+
+ANONYMOUS.
+
+
+  Molly Muldoon was an Irish girl,
+          And as fine a one
+          As you'd look upon
+  In the cot of a peasant or hall of an earl.
+  Her teeth were white, though not of pearl,--
+  And dark was her hair, but it did not curl;
+  Yet few who gazed on her teeth and her hair,
+  But owned that a power of beauty was there.
+      Now many a hearty and rattling gorsoon
+      Whose fancy had charmed his heart into tune,
+          Would dare to approach fair Molly Muldoon,
+          But for _that_ in her eye
+          Which made most of them shy
+      And look quite ashamed, though they couldn't tell why--
+  Her eyes were large, dark blue, and clear,
+      And _heart_ and _mind_ seemed in them blended.
+  If _intellect_ sent you one look severe
+      _Love_ instantly leapt in the next to mend it--
+          Hers was the eye to check the rude,
+            And hers the eye to stir emotion,
+          To keep the sense and soul subdued
+            And calm desire into devotion.
+
+          There was Jemmy O'Hare,
+          As fine a boy as you'd see in a fair,
+  And wherever Molly was he was there.
+  His face was round and his build was square,
+          And he sported as rare
+          And tight a pair
+  Of legs, to be sure, as are found anywhere.
+          And Jemmy would wear
+          His _caubeen_ and hair
+  With such a peculiar and rollicking air,
+          That I'd venture to swear
+          Not a girl in Kildare
+  Nor Victoria's self, if she chanced to be there,
+  Could resist his wild way--called "Devil-may-care."
+  Not a boy in the parish could match him for fun,
+  Nor wrestle, nor leap, nor hurl, nor run
+  With Jemmy--No gorsoon could equal him--None,
+      At wake, or at wedding, at feast or at fight,
+      At throwing the sledge with such dext'rous sleight,--
+  He was the envy of men, and the women's delight.
+
+  Now Molly Muldoon liked Jemmy O'Hare,
+      And in troth Jemmy loved in his heart Miss Muldoon.
+  I believe in my conscience a purtier pair
+      Never danced in a tent at a pattern in June,--
+        To a bagpipe or fiddle
+          On the rough cabin door
+        That is placed in the middle--
+          Ye may talk as ye will
+  There's a grace in the limbs of the peasantry there
+  With which people of quality couldn't compare;
+      And Molly and Jemmy were counted the two
+      That would keep up the longest and go the best through
+          All the jigs and the reels
+          That have occupied heels
+  Since the days of the Murtaghs and Brian Boru.
+
+  It was on a long bright sunny day
+    They sat on a green knoll side by side,
+  But neither just then had much to say;
+    Their hearts were so full that they only tried
+      To do anything foolish, just to hide
+      What both of them felt, but what Molly denied.
+    They plucked the speckled daisies that grew
+    Close by their arms,--then tore them too;
+  And the bright little leaves that they broke from the stalk
+    They threw at each other for want of talk;
+      While the heart-lit look and the sunny smile
+      Reflected pure souls without art or guile,
+          And every time Molly sighed or smiled,
+          Jem felt himself grow as soft as a child;
+  And he fancied the sky never looked so bright,
+  The grass so green, the daisies so white;
+  Everything looked so gay in his sight
+  That gladly he'd linger to watch them till night,--
+          And Molly herself thought each little bird
+          Whose warbling notes her calm soul stirred,--
+          Sang only his lay but by her to be heard.
+
+          An Irish courtship's short and sweet,
+          It's sometimes foolish and indiscreet;
+          But who is wise when his young heart's heat
+          Whips the pulse to a galloping beat--
+          Ties up his judgment neck and feet
+          And makes him the slave of a blind conceit?
+  Sneer not, therefore, at the loves of the poor,
+  Though their manners be rude their affections are pure;
+  They look not by art, and they love not by rule,
+  For their souls are not tempered in fashion's cold school.
+  Oh! give me the love that endures no control
+  But the delicate instinct that springs from the soul,
+  As the mountain stream gushes its freshness and force,
+  Yet obedient, wherever it flows to its source.
+  Yes, give me that but Nature has taught,
+  By rank unallured and by riches unbought;
+  Whose very simplicity keeps it secure--
+  The love that illumines the heart of the poor.
+
+  All blushful was Molly, or shy at least
+          As one week before Lent
+          Jem procured her consent
+  To go the next Sunday and spake to the priest,
+    Shrove-Tuesday was named for the wedding to be,
+    And it dawned as bright as they'd wish to see.
+  And Jemmy was up at the day's first peep
+  For the live-long night, no wink could he sleep;
+          A bran-new coat, with a bright big button,
+          He took from a chest, and carefully put on--
+          And brogues as well _lampblacked_ as ever went foot on
+  Were greased with the fat of _a quare sort of mutton_!
+          Then a tidier _gorsoon_ couldn't be seen
+          Treading the Emerald sod so green--
+          Light was his step and bright was his eye
+          As he walked through the _slobbery_ streets of Athy.
+  And each girl he passed, bid "God bless him," and sighed,
+  While she wished in her heart that herself was the bride.
+
+  Hush! here's the Priest--let not the least
+  Whisper be heard till the father has ceased.
+              "Come, bridegroom and bride,
+              That the knot may be tied
+          Which no power upon earth can hereafter divide."
+          Up rose the bride, and the bridegroom too,
+          And a passage was made for them both to walk through!
+          And his Rev'rence stood with a sanctified face,
+          Which spread its infection around the place.
+          The bridesmaid bustled and whispered the bride,
+          Who felt so confused that she almost cried,
+          But at last bore up and walked forward, where
+          The Father was standing with solemn air;
+          The bridegroom was following after with pride,
+          _When his piercing eye something awful espied_!
+            He stooped and sighed,
+            Looked round and tried
+        To tell what he saw, but his tongue denied:
+            With a spring and a roar,
+            He jumped to the door,
+  AND THE BRIDE LAID HER EYES ON THE BRIDEGROOM NO MORE!
+
+            Some years sped on
+            Yet heard no one
+          Of Jemmy O'Hare, or where he had gone.
+        But since the night of that widowed feast,
+        The strength of poor Molly had ever decreased;
+        Till, at length, from earth's sorrow her soul released,
+        Fled up to be ranked with the saints at least.
+
+        And the morning poor Molly to live had ceased,
+        Just five years after the widowed feast,
+        An American letter was brought to the priest,
+        Telling of Jemmy O'Hare deceased!
+            Who ere his death,
+            With his latest breath,
+        To a spiritual father unburdened his breast
+        And the cause of his sudden departure confest,--
+          "Oh! Father," says he, "I've not long to live,
+          So I'll freely confess, and hope you'll forgive--
+          That same Molly Muldoon, sure I loved her indeed;
+          Ay, as well, as the Creed
+          That was never forsaken by one of my breed;
+        But I couldn't have married her after I saw"--
+          "Saw what?" cried the Father desirous to hear--
+        And the chair that he sat in unconsciously rocking--
+        "Not in her 'karącter,' yer Rev'rince, a flaw"--
+        The sick man here dropped a significant tear
+        And died as he whispered in the clergyman's ear--
+        "But I saw, God forgive her, A HOLE IN HER STOCKING!"
+
+
+
+
+THE HARMONIOUS LOBSTERS.
+
+ROBERT REECE.
+
+
+It has always appeared to me as a remarkable fact that the practice of
+Music does not promote amongst its devotees the harmony which is its own
+very gist and soul. The "concord of sweet sounds" is not reflected in
+the good fellowship and friendly cohesion of musicians; and the
+spiritualising power of the divine art seems too often to evaporate with
+the notes produced, and leave with its professors the hard _residuum_ of
+an exact science and a mechanical art.
+
+The rivalry and jealousy so noticeable amongst musical people is
+peculiar to them; and, though you may with impunity neglect to demand
+from the actors, poets, painters, sculptors, preachers, physicians,
+surgeons, or lawyers an exhibition of their skill in their respective
+arts, you will make a foe for life if you omit to ask the musician to
+perform.
+
+We all know the "musical people" at parties; how cordially we welcome
+the production of that fatal waterproof roll, with its diabolical
+contents of "pieces" and "ballads;" how enthusiastically we press Jones
+to "give us another song," and how cheerfully and promptly (I might
+almost say "hastily") Jones obliges us. It is of no use suggesting to
+Miss Robinson that you "are afraid you are taxing her too far." Miss
+Robinson has another ballad, or another "piece"--"Tricklings at Eve," or
+"Wobblings at Noon," ready for you.
+
+I have belonged to several musical clubs in my time, and know something
+of my subject, especially the amateur section of it. I once officiated
+at a professional gathering to the great hurt of a very kind man. I was
+invited by a genial music publisher to join a "professional dinner"
+which he gave yearly to the principal musicians, his very good friends.
+The profession mustered very strongly, and did ample justice to
+excellent fare; on our repairing to the drawing-room, I expected, of
+course, to be entertained with some really good music, but I found that
+no one would "start the ball."
+
+In the full glare of professional eyes I opened the piano and the
+proceedings myself. Before I had played forty bars every "professional"
+was making for the instrument. I concluded. I had "started the ball," or
+rather a musical "boomerang," which was to return viciously upon me and
+my host.
+
+Every man present held the pianoforte in turn, and at half-past two in
+the morning (_I_ had commenced at ten in the evening), there were still
+some unwearied musicians insisting on playing their own compositions to
+unappreciative audiences of rival professors. Perhaps they are still
+playing. I never did any business with that music publisher again.
+
+Years ago I belonged to an amateur musical society which had its being
+in a fashionable suburb, and was known by the felicitous title, "The
+Harmonious Lobsters." To account for this name I may state that the
+society owed its origin to certain jovial meetings held at a friend's
+chambers, where these succulent _crustacea_ were discussed (to soft
+music) at supper, twice a month. As the club grew, the suppers deceased;
+and, as the society became important and pretentious, so the original
+joviality evaporated.
+
+"The Harmonious Lobsters" were as pleasant amongst themselves as the
+genuine uncooked articles are in a fishmonger's basket. Every member
+struggled to be "top-sawyer;" every artist, down to the little doctor
+who played the triangle regarded himself as the mainstay, sole prop, and
+presiding genius of the society.
+
+We mustered a small orchestra, consisting of two flutes, two cornets,
+two violins, one viola, one violoncello, a drum, a clarionet, and the
+triangle above mentioned.
+
+The performances of this "limited band" were more remarkable for their
+force than their precision; and a want of "tone" and completeness was
+the result of an endeavour on the part of each performer to make the
+instrument he played specially conspicuous. It didn't matter so much
+with the flutes, violins, and clarionet; but the two cornets were a
+serious nuisance.
+
+Gasper and Puffin (both "first" cornets, of course!) were deadly rivals,
+implacable foes. Each aspired to be the ruler of the club, each regarded
+himself as _the_ performer _par excellence_. The flutes were not
+friendly, and the violoncello was crabbed and unpleasant, but those
+cornets were insufferable.
+
+We all felt that a crisis was at hand, and we all devoutly wished it;
+for while Puffin and Gasper asserted themselves, we others were, to a
+defined extent, hiding our light under a bushel.
+
+The catastrophe was foreshadowed by a stormy meeting convened to arrange
+the programme of our fourth and last annual concert.
+
+"Of course," premised the First Violin, who was also Secretary and
+Librarian, "we have all a solo!"
+
+There was no doubt of _that_, except as regarded the "doubles," viz.,
+the two flutes and the two cornets. The first couple had so far
+coalesced as to submit to the prowess being displayed in a duet, which
+was destined to be less flute than elaborate flatulence.
+
+"Let's begin at the beginning," said Gasper. "No. 1: that's an overture
+for _tutti_; say, 'The Caliph of Bagdad.'"
+
+"_I_ don't mind," responded the Secretary. "It's easy enough, and
+there's lots of show for the violins."
+
+"The question now arises," jerked in Puffin, "who is to be the _first_
+soloist? _I_ won't."
+
+"Nor likely to be," sneered Gasper.
+
+"I understand your narrow-mindedness, Gasper," retorted Puffin; "but I
+shall choose my own place and my own solo."
+
+"So shall _I_," announced Gasper; "go on."
+
+The Secretary proceeded.
+
+"Shall we say: SOLO (_Clarionet_)--Mr. R. Lipsey."
+
+"Anything for a quiet life," said Lipsey. "_I_'m not afraid."
+
+So it went on for four more items, when it became obvious that the "best
+place," in the first part of the programme was open to competition.
+
+"_My_ solo," said Gasper, "comes in here."
+
+"Thank you," replied Puffin; "I claim it myself."
+
+"_Do_ you?" grinned Gasper; "I stick to this point."
+
+"So do _I_," said the undaunted Puffin.
+
+"No, but really, you know," argued the Secretary, "it must be settled:
+let _me_ cut the knot. _I_'ll play _my_ solo here."
+
+A howl of opposition now arose. Every performer, exclusive of the Drum
+and the Triangle, had decided to "go in" for the "show place" in the
+programme.
+
+"I leave the Society if I do not play my solo here," said Gasper. "I
+have no more to say!" and he sat down.
+
+"So do _I_," echoed Puffin, "and get on with 'The Caliph' if you can
+without a second cornet."
+
+This was clinching matters with a vengeance.
+
+"Look here," interposed the Doctor. "_I_ don't play a solo, so I speak
+impartially, I hope. Let Gasper play his solo in _this_ part, and Puffin
+_his_ solo in the best place of the _second_ part of the programme.
+That'll settle it."
+
+There was a tumult immediately; everybody seemed to be multiplied by
+ten.
+
+"Don't be a fool," whispered the Doctor to Gasper. "Stick to your right
+place in the first part; all the swells look for _that_. They'll be gone
+before Puffin gets _his_ turn."
+
+Gasper was quiet in a moment.
+
+The Doctor, winking at me, got hold of the stony but still excited
+Puffin.
+
+"Let him have his blessed solo _early_, my boy," said the Triangle. "The
+big people won't have taken their seats by then. You'll have it all your
+own way."
+
+To this day I believe the Doctor had a professional impulse in this
+advice.
+
+During a lull Puffin spoke.
+
+"_Let_ Mr. Gasper have his solo in the first part. I flatter myself I
+can face the inferior position without any fear."
+
+"You are _so_ modest," retorted the delighted Gasper. "Put it down,
+Basscleff. SOLO (_Cornet_) 'The Wind from the Sea,' _Vulvini_--George
+Gasper, Esq."
+
+"That's _my_ solo," shouted Puffin; "and I'll play it!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Spare me the recital of the ensuing scene.
+
+"Listen to _me_," said the Triangle, maliciously. "We must come to hard
+facts, I plainly see. The truth is, the difference between Mr. Gasper
+and Mr. Puffin (both admirable performers) has assumed the aspect of
+direct rivalry; I may go so far as to say, antagonism. Laudable, so far
+as art is concerned; lamentable for the ill-feeling promoted. I suggest
+that, for the setting at rest of the unfortunate dispute, and the better
+spirit of the Society, it be arranged that the two gentlemen _do_ play
+the same solo at the same concert."
+
+Loud shouts, of varied sentiment, followed this daring speech.
+
+"A moment, please," cried the Doctor; "as Treasurer of this Musical
+Society I may state that our financial condition is not so satisfactory
+as it might be: if this competition gets wind--I mean, of course, if
+people get to know of it, we shall have an enormous house."
+
+After some disputing, it was agreed that there was cogency in the
+Doctor's suggestion.
+
+Other members were appeased with situations in the programme more or
+less prominent, but when the twenty-four items had been satisfactorily
+arranged, and the club separated, the general feeling was that the
+interest of the concert, and the stake at issue, were the competitive
+performances of Messrs. Puffin and Gasper.
+
+The evening of the concert arrived: so did Doctor Martel at my rooms:
+the little man was suffused with delight.
+
+"My dear fellow!" he chuckled, "it'll be the funniest thing you ever
+saw. I've been running to and fro all the week. Now to Gasper, now to
+Puffin. 'You should hear Puffin phrase that passage about the 'wind
+moaning,' said I to Gasper, 'it's tiptop,' and Gasper grinds his teeth.
+Then I go to Puffin and say, 'Gasper's devoting himself to making a hit,
+old man; the way he imitates the surge of the wave in the passage 'The
+wild wave answers the winds,' will 'fetch' them, and no mistake!' and
+Puffin turns pale."
+
+"What does it all portend?" asked I.
+
+"Wait and see, my lad," said the sly Doctor. "Wait and see."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Eight o'clock! and I meet Puffin as I enter the "Artists' Room." I play
+the _violino secondo_. I am nobody.
+
+"Well," say I, "how do you feel?"
+
+"Never mind," says the astute Puffin; "I bide my time! _Only_ (mark my
+words), Gasper won't score as heavily as he expects." With these dark
+words he vanishes.
+
+The next moment I am face to face with Gasper.
+
+"How do you feel?" I ask of _him_.
+
+"Don't worry about _me_," replies Gasper. "I'm not afraid that Puffin
+will cover himself with glory, after all." And Gasper retires.
+
+We had a wonderful "house" that night. The "competition" _had_ been
+noised abroad, and the wily doctor's surmises were fulfilled. There was
+a Puffin and a Gasper faction ready to do battle for its respective
+champion when the clarion of defiance rang out from the platform.
+
+I pass the overture, a solo on the clarionet, which reduced the pug-nose
+of Lipsey to a severe aquiline during its performance; a flute and
+violin _duo_, and etc. The time had come for "The Wind from the Sea"
+(_George Gasper Esq._). The favourite performer was hailed with shouts
+of delight. The Puffin faction smiled silently.
+
+The opening bars of the symphony were played by the pianist.
+
+Gasper advanced with a half-restrained smile of self-satisfaction, and
+after some singular contortions of his lips began to play the _scena_
+for the cornet.
+
+But no sound followed his laboured effort! Again, and again, red in the
+face, and furious, he essayed to produce a note from his silver
+instrument. It was dumb!
+
+Not so the Puffin section of the audience; the titter soon became a
+laugh, the laugh a shout, and finally with a stamp, and a diabolical
+expression, Mr Gasper gave up the game, and retreated amidst a howl of
+displeasure.
+
+Meanwhile where was Puffin? Never mind.
+
+Slowly went on the programme, till the item for which Mr. Puffin was
+"set down" arrived in its place.
+
+More sensation in the audience. Puffin section cock-a-hoop. Similar
+symphony on the part of the pianist, and the placid Puffin, a foregone
+victory shaping his lips into a half-concealed smile, put his cornet to
+his mouth, and----
+
+Well! while the audience was fighting its way out, half hysterical with
+laughter (for the performance of Mr. Puffin had only reproduced Mr.
+Gasper's failure), I was the unwilling witness of a "set-to" between the
+rival cornet-players, who, having discovered that each had,
+respectively, placed a cork up the principal tube of his opponent's
+instrument, so far agreed, as to differ as to the justice of the
+process. From the appearance of their upper lips, I am sure no solos
+were to be apprehended for weeks to come. But, before our next club
+meeting, Messrs. Gasper and Puffin had retired.
+
+I don't belong to any musical clubs now.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+THE PROVINCIAL LANDLADY.
+
+H. CHANCE NEWTON.
+
+
+  Oh, dear Mister Editor, sir, if you please, they say you're a kind and
+        humanious gent, sir,
+  Which listens attentive to troubles and woes sech as worry an
+        'ard-working woman like me;
+  I'm worrited dreadful from morning to night with working and toilin'
+        and sech,--which the rent, sir,
+  Is not always quite so forthcoming as I, with my fam'ly, would wish
+        it to be!
+
+  Which I keeps a big house in the square, sir, not five minits' walk
+        from the R'yal Theaytre,
+  Jest oppersit Muggins's Music-hall, sir, which its "public" is known
+        as the "Linnet and Lamb"--
+  But I am a lamb, sir, to stand it as I do, a-working away up till
+        midnight, or later,
+  For a lot of purfessional folks, which the best of the bunch, sir, is
+        nothing but sham!
+
+  From them music-hall people as lodges with me is a set which I'm sure,
+        sir, is simply outragious,
+  A-rushin' all over the house when I've scrubbed it and cleaned it jest
+        like a new pin;--
+  And as for them second-floor folks (which is niggers) believe me their
+        conduct is something rampagious,
+  A-larkin' all over the landing, a-spoilin' the paper,--it's really a sin!
+
+  And the party wot sings comic songs, sir, goes in and out shouting
+        whenever he pleases,
+  And the next floor (the serio-comic)--well, there, she's a stuck-up,
+        impertinent miss,
+  Which the last ones as had them apartments wos folks as performed on
+        the "flyin' trapeeses,"
+  And went away two pun' thirteen in my debt, and I've never beheld 'em
+        from that day to this.
+
+  Than there's that ventrillikist party, as imitates different voices,
+        and that, sir,--
+  He frightens me out of my wits, which I'm sure as I haven't too many
+        to spare;
+  And as for that Muggins's chairman, I frequently finds him asleep on
+        the mat, sir,
+  Which I characterises behaviour like that as werry disgraceful and
+        shocking--so there!
+
+  Then the Sisters Mac-Jones (them duettists) comes bouncin' all over
+        the place, quite disdainful,
+  A fault-findin' day after day, sir, dressed up in their fal-de-rals,
+        looking like guys;
+  And the party that sings sentimental goes on in a way as to me, sir,
+        is painful,
+  He smokes a long pipe in the garding, which dreadful proceedings I
+        can't but despise.
+
+  Then a troop which I think is called ackribacks, knocks my best parlour
+        to rack and to ruin,
+  A-chucking of summersets over my splendid meeogany tables and chairs;
+  Why to-day they all stood on their heads in the passage: "Good gracious,"
+        I shouted, "why what are you doin'?"
+  When they twisted their legs round their necks, sir, made faces, and told
+        me to toddle downstairs!
+
+  Which I don't wish to make a remark, sir, that might be unpleasant, but
+        while I was at it
+  I thought as I'd mention the matters that cause me continual worry and
+        din,
+  For if you excuse the expression, I ses, as for lettin' of lodgins',--oh,
+        drat it!
+  "_If it wasn't for makin' it out of their board_," sir,--by jingers, I'd
+        never let lodgins' agin!
+
+    (_From_ "THE PENNY SHOWMAN," _by permission of the Author and_
+      MR. SAMUEL FRENCH.)
+
+
+
+
+MY MATRIMONIAL PREDICAMENT.
+
+LEOPOLD WAGNER.
+
+
+I dare say a great many men in my situation would think themselves
+highly honoured; but, however this may strike others, I fell bound to
+confess that I am far from happy. The truth is, I have become so
+entangled in the meshes of a really romantic love affair, that I can see
+no possible hope of freeing myself. Let me hasten to explain.
+
+About twelve months ago I engaged myself to a pretty young girl, who,
+out of sheer fickleness--it could have been nothing else--jilted me. I
+was much cut up at the time, since I had learnt to grow very fond of
+her. A little while after, I began to take an interest in another pretty
+girl whom I came in contact with almost daily; but, as I had no means of
+getting properly introduced to her, I never spoke. By-and-by she
+disappeared, and I soon forgot her. Things went on with me in the usual
+way until, suddenly growing tired of my lonely existence, I advertised
+for "a nice young girl, thoroughly domesticated, able and willing to
+make a good-looking young bachelor happy;" adding, "Previous experience
+not necessary." In this way I actually found one who answered my
+expectations to the letter. We met, took the usual walks; and in the
+course of a week or two, I could see she loved me with her whole heart.
+The arrangments for our wedding were soon made. I procured the ring and
+keeper; then put up the banns. Now the house I live in is peculiarly
+situated. When I lie in bed, my head is in Blankshire, while my feet
+extend over the boundary-line into Chumpshire. This may appear a slight
+matter enough; and yet, I fancy, that if hard times should ever overtake
+me, I would have two different parishes to fall back upon. However, I
+found it necessary to publish the banns in both parishes; added to which
+my _fiancée_, who is, or rather was, a lady's maid, a mile or two away
+in another direction, must needs put them up in her own parish also. So
+that I ought to reckon myself very much married, when it's all over. But
+here comes my predicament.
+
+I forgot to mention that the girl who jilted me is godmother to my
+landlady's new baby. This slight relationship enables my landlady to
+take the liberty of corresponding with her; and the other day, as it
+transpires, she let slip the news of my approaching marriage. About the
+same time, I not only met, but had the pleasure of being introduced to,
+the second pretty girl at a concert. She, too, had heard of my marriage;
+and presently confessed that she loved me herself; that, in fact, she
+would never have left the neighbourhood if I had only once spoken to
+her. This put me about considerably; and I heartily wished my wedding
+was not so far advanced. Arrived home, I found a letter from the first
+girl imploring me to pause before it was too late, and begging my
+forgiveness for her past conduct. I took no notice of it; but the next
+day brought her over, to stay, invited by my landlady. It was impossible
+for me to offer any objection, as I was only a lodger myself. Still, the
+girl's manner was convincing. She threw herself into my arms, and begged
+I would postpone the ceremony, until she could really prove her devotion
+to me. This was rather awkward; for, almost on the instant, all my old
+love came back to me again, and I could not let her go.
+
+The following day I took her about a bit, when I fell in love with her
+more than ever. In the afternoon I even went so far as to write to her
+mother, asking her to drop over to tea on Sunday afternoon. That night
+I also introduced her to the second pretty girl--whom I must now speak
+of as Miss No. 3. To my great surprise, the two became fast friends. On
+the Sunday morning, when the little godmother heard my banns called out
+in church, she fainted right away, and had to be carried outside. For
+myself, I felt like listening to my own death-warrant. At tea-time the
+mother came over; so she and my landlady soon settled it between
+themselves, that the little godmother had the greatest right to me. In
+the middle of all this, my _fiancée_ turned up, when a lively scene
+ensued. Eventually I left the house with her, to explain matters. But
+nothing would satisfy her short of my marrying her, as she had the right
+to demand. She swore that if I did not go through with the ceremony, she
+would make away with herself. No; she had no intention of bringing up a
+breach of promise case, for she loved me too much. Poor girl; I pitied
+her from the bottom of my heart, and went straight back to my place to
+give the little godmother her _congé_. But when we reached the house, I
+found the latter stretched upon the floor in a dead faint; and my
+courage completely gave way. I could not make up my mind which of the
+two girls I liked the best, so begged for a little time to decide. My
+_fiancée_ went into the back parlour to cry, while I, in a frenzy of
+distraction, rushed first to one girl, then to the other; and at last
+into the open air, full butt against the third girl, who, brokenhearted,
+was coming to see me. I thought the best thing I could do would be to go
+for a walk and try to console her. I did; but this little walk turned
+out so delightful, that I forgot all about the other two girls, and fell
+madly in love with _her_! On our way back to my place, we met my
+_fiancée_ just leaving. I introduced and saw them both home. When I
+reached home myself, Miss. No. 1 had been put to bed; her mother had
+gone, while I was left to reflect upon my singular position. In the
+morning at breakfast, the girl came to me crying; hanging round my neck,
+and telling me how much she loved me. "Don't marry her, marry me!" she
+pleaded, as I left the house on business. During the day I redeemed a
+promise exacted from me by No. 3 to visit her, when she told me the same
+tale. I also received a letter from my _fiancée_, demanding whether or
+not I intended to go through the ceremony; failing which she would end
+her life by poison. This was very dreadful; I went to see her, and
+begged time for consideration.
+
+The fact is, I could not--nor can I yet--make up my mind which I like
+best. I love them all, and am convinced they each love me. Position has
+nothing whatever to do with it, for I am only a poor man. Had I money, I
+might perhaps square the difficulty with the mothers; but the girls
+themselves are above mercenary ideas. I am sure, nay, _positive_ that
+they love me for myself alone. They are not even unfriendly disposed
+towards each other, which is the most awkward part of the business. If
+they would only consent to be locked up in a room together and fight it
+out amongst themselves, I might be able to marry whichever one was left
+alive. But no such thing. Each swears she will not stand in the others'
+way, yet vows suicide if I do not individually marry _her_. The other
+morning, because I would not give her a decided "Yes," No. 1 ran out of
+the house to drown herself, and I arrived on the scene just in the nick
+of time to pull her back at the water's edge, by the bustle. A day or so
+afterwards, No. 3 put the same question to me, and noticing my
+hesitation, had well-nigh leapt upon the railway metals before I could
+prevent her. I didn't see my _fiancée_ that night: but at six o'clock
+the next morning, my landlady knocked me up to say that according to a
+message left with her late at night Miss No. 2 had poisoned herself. For
+an hour or so I was completely stunned; but after that time I dressed
+and ran to the house, to find that the whole affair was a hoax. I intend
+to be even with the fellow who played it on me, yet.
+
+This kind of thing has been going on for more than a week, and I feel
+worried to death. The latest is that, in addition to No. 1, both the
+other girls have taken up their residence with my landlady. I would fly
+if I could, but my business compels me to remain on the spot. The three
+girls follow me about everywhere. I never have a minute's peace. Though
+the greatest of friends, they are at the same time jealous of trusting
+each other alone with me, lest I should commit myself to any rash
+promise. I suppose I am one of those susceptible fellows who falls in
+love with any girl who may encourage him. It must be so. Yet these girls
+are every bit as nice as they are loving and _different_. No. 1 is very
+young and pretty; my _fiancée_ has a splendid figure, and is thoroughly
+domesticated; No. 3 is my counterpart in everything. I love them all,
+and can't for the life of me tell which I like the best. Whatever I do,
+it will be a case of suicide for two of them, or a couple of breach of
+promise actions for me. I ought to have stated before that the mothers
+have taken lodgings in the house as well, so that I am in for a nice
+thing! I would marry all three if the law allowed me; but though the
+girls themselves might not object, yet the prospect of _three_
+mothers-in-law is too much for one man to contemplate. The most sensible
+arrangement would be, I think, not to marry anybody, but to go on loving
+all three in a perfectly platonic manner until something happened to
+make two of them throw the game up. I dare say the girls would be
+willing enough--one of them even suggested it herself yesterday; but the
+mothers won't hear of such a thing, their purpose being to bring me to
+the point at once. I am a great favourite with the mothers too; and
+their solicitations that I should marry their respective daughters are
+almost as pressing as are those of the girls themselves. Really I am in
+a most uncomfortable position. Out of doors, as I walk along followed by
+these three young creatures, I am regarded as a noted character, and
+the people everywhere whisper, "There goes the young man with his three
+wives!" I shouldn't mind this in the least if only the mothers would
+pack up their traps and go about their business. But they won't; here
+they stick at my very elbow, calmly waiting for me to say whose daughter
+I really mean to marry. So long as I refuse to give an answer to all
+three, I am safe; but the business is getting just a little bit
+tiresome, and I should heartily like to see my way out of it.
+
+Was there ever anybody in such a predicament before! What shall I do?
+What can I do? Is there any charitably-disposed person here who can
+advise me? No? Then I am a doomed man, and must meet my fate resignedly.
+However, I vow and declare that if by any chance I _should_ get over
+this, I'll not repeat the experiment as long as I live.
+
+    (_Copyright of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+ETIQUETTE.
+
+W. S. GILBERT.
+
+
+  The _Ballyshannon_ foundered off the coast of Cariboo,
+  And down in fathoms many went the captain and the crew;
+  Down went the owners--greedy men whom hope of gain allured:
+  Oh, dry the starting tear, for they were heavily insured.
+
+  Besides the captain and the mate, the owners and the crew,
+  The passengers were also drowned excepting only two:
+  Young PETER GRAY, who tasted teas for BARBER, CROOP, AND CO.,
+  And SOMERS, who from Eastern shores imported indigo.
+
+  These passengers, by reason of their clinging to a mast,
+  Upon a desert island were eventually cast.
+  They hunted for their meals, as ALEXANDER SELKIRK used,
+  But they couldn't chat together--they had not been introduced.
+
+  For PETER GRAY, and SOMERS too, though certainly in trade,
+  Were properly particular about the friends they made;
+  And somehow thus they settled it without a word of mouth--
+  That GRAY should take the northern half, while SOMERS took the south.
+
+  On PETER'S portion oysters grew--a delicacy rare,
+  But oysters were a delicacy PETER couldn't bear.
+  On SOMERS' side was turtle, on the shingle lying thick,
+  Which SOMERS couldn't eat, because it always made him sick.
+
+  GRAY gnashed his teeth with envy as he saw a mighty store
+  Of turtle unmolested on his fellow-creature's shore.
+  The oysters at his feet aside impatiently he shoved,
+  For turtle and his mother were the only things he loved.
+
+  And SOMERS sighed in sorrow as he settled in the south,
+  For the thought of PETER'S oysters brought the water to his mouth.
+  He longed to lay him down upon the shelly bed, and stuff;
+  He had often eaten oysters, but had never had enough.
+
+  How they wished an introduction to each other they had had
+  When on board the _Ballyshannon_! And it drove them nearly mad,
+  To think how very friendly with each other they might get,
+  If it wasn't for the arbitrary rule of etiquette!
+
+  One day when out hunting for the _mus ridiculus_,
+  GRAY overheard his fellow-man soliloquising thus:
+  "I wonder how the playmates of my youth are getting on,
+  MCCONNELL, S. B. WALTERS, PADDY BYLES, and ROBINSON?"
+
+  These simple words made PETER as delighted as could be,
+  Old chummies at the Charterhouse were ROBINSON and he!
+  He walked straight up to SOMERS, then he turned extremely red,
+  Hesitated, hummed and hawed a bit, then cleared his throat, and said:
+
+  "I beg your pardon--pray forgive me if I seem too bold,
+  But you have breathed a name I knew familiarly of old.
+  You spoke aloud of ROBINSON--I happened to be by.
+  You know him?" "Yes, extremely well." "Allow me, so do I."
+
+  It was enough: they felt they could more pleasantly get on,
+  For (ah, the magic of the fact!) they each knew ROBINSON!
+  And MR. SOMERS' turtle was at PETER'S service quite,
+  And MR. SOMERS punished PETER'S oyster-beds all night.
+
+  They soon became like brothers from community of wrongs:
+  They wrote each other little odes and sang each other songs;
+  They told each other anecdotes disparaging their wives;
+  On several occasions, too, they saved each other's lives.
+
+  They felt quite melancholy when they parted for the night,
+  And got up in the morning soon as ever it was light;
+  Each other's pleasant company they reckoned so upon,
+  And all because it happened that they both knew ROBINSON!
+
+  They lived for many years on that inhospitable shore,
+  And day by day they learned to love each other more and more.
+  At last, to their astonishment, on getting up one day,
+  They saw a frigate anchored in the offing of the bay.
+
+  To PETER an idea occurred, "Suppose we cross the main?
+  So good an opportunity may not be found again."
+  And SOMERS thought a minute, then ejaculated, "Done!
+  I wonder how my business in the City's getting on?"
+
+  "But stay," said MR. PETER: "when in England, as you know,
+  I earned a living tasting teas for BARBER, CROOP, AND CO.,
+  I may be superseded--my employers think me dead!"
+  "Then come with me," said SOMERS, "and taste indigo instead."
+
+  But all their plans were scattered in a moment when they found,
+  The vessel was a convict ship from Portland outward bound;
+  When a boat came off to fetch them, though they felt it very kind,
+  To go on board they firmly but respectfully declined.
+
+  As both the happy settlers roared with laughter at the joke,
+  They recognised a gentlemanly fellow pulling stroke:
+  'Twas ROBINSON--a convict, in an unbecoming frock!
+  Condemned to seven years for misappropriating stock!!!
+
+  They laughed no more, for SOMERS thought he had been rather rash
+  In knowing one whose friend had misappropriated cash;
+  And PETER thought a foolish tack he must have gone upon
+  In making the acquaintance of a friend of ROBINSON.
+
+  At first they didn't quarrel very openly, I've heard;
+  They nodded when they met, and now and then exchanged a word:
+  The word grew rare, and rarer still the nodding of the head,
+  And when they meet each other now, they cut each other dead.
+
+  To allocate the island they agreed by word of mouth,
+  And PETER takes the north again, and SOMERS takes the south;
+  And PETER has the oysters, which he hates in layers thick,
+  And SOMERS has the turtle--turtle always makes him sick.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+A LOST SHEPHERD.
+
+FRANK BARRETT.
+
+
+Winklehaven was once a very bad place. Roads, trade,
+drainage--everything was as bad as it could be. The fishermen were bad,
+and beat their wives, and their wives were bad and deserved all the
+beating they got, and more. The fish caught there was bad before it went
+to market. The very parson was bad, and preached the excisemen to sleep
+whilst Red Robert and Black Bill ran their cargo of smuggled bad brandy.
+
+Families who should have been respectable were not. Parents whipped
+their children into rebellion and then cut them off with shillings--bad
+ones, of course. Wards defied their guardians, and invariably fell in
+love contrary to the arrangements of their seniors. All the young men
+ran away with all the eligible young women.
+
+The natural result was that after a dozen years from the time when
+Winklehaven stood at its worst, the population of the town consisted of
+infirm old people suffering from remorse, gout, and other afflictions
+proceeding from the excesses of youth, and such spinsters as were
+rejected by the young rakes of the preceding era. The moral aspect of
+the place changed in those years; it was no longer unholy, but, indeed,
+the most virtuous of human settlements.
+
+The fishermen were too old and weak to beat their wives, and their
+failing memories could supply them with no oaths suitable to express
+their feelings. The wicked parson and the smugglers were no more; there
+wasn't a young man in the place, and the ladies who called themselves
+young were irreproachable.
+
+It might strike the unthinking as an extraordinary peculiarity that a
+place so very, very good should require a curate in addition to a deaf
+rector. Nevertheless such was the case--a curate was wanted, and wanted
+very much by the congregation of St. Tickleimpit's--the unblemished
+spinsters, who called themselves young. They would have a curate, and
+Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., they had.
+
+Now as the snow falls like a veil of purity over the face of the earth,
+only to melt and besmirch it before the lasting season of blossoming
+sweetness, so Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., came to Winklehaven and passed
+away before it attained to its present buttercup-and-daisy condition of
+virtue; and the manner of his going this pen shall tell.
+
+Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., was a curate of the deepest dye. He had not
+so much principle as a bankrupt, and he came to Winklehaven with the
+settled purpose of marrying the richest and least objectionable of his
+congregation. The difficulties in his way were few. In personal
+appearance and demeanour he was so simple and sweet that even the rector
+was mistaken and thought him a fool, and what more could a girl of
+five-and-forty desire?
+
+It was not a question which he _could_ marry from amongst the eighteen
+or twenty tempting creatures around him, but rather which he should
+reject. They surrounded him like a glory wherever he went, waiting for
+him at his coming out and never leaving him until his going in. Seldom
+less than half-a-dozen spinsters accompanied him; they liked him too
+much and each other too little to trust him with one alone. And they
+wrote letters to him marked "private," containing the burning thoughts
+they dared not express in the presence of their sisters. Each was
+tantamount to an offer of marriage; but he was yet undecided in his
+selection, and replied to all with touching yet ambiguous texts. At this
+time he suffered somewhat from bile, for his most active exercise was
+wool-winding, and the ladies buttered his toast on both sides and the
+edges.
+
+But anon there came a man with a black beard and a devil-may-care aspect
+to Winklehaven, and took for six months the cottage on the deserted West
+Cliff, which had belonged to Black Bill in the bad old times.
+
+The stranger snubbed the inquisitive tradesman of whom he bought his
+groceries; he ordered his bacon by the side, his beer by the barrel, and
+his whisky by the largest of stone bottles. He laughed aloud when he
+passed in the High Street Mr. Lambe with the three Misses Cockle on one
+side of him, and the three Misses Crabbe on the other. The ladies had
+not any doubt that he was a bold bad man, and declared one and all that
+nothing would tempt them to venture upon that dreadful West Cliff.
+
+But, sinners being so few, they could not but feel interested in this
+man with the black beard and dark eyes, and when he came not to church
+on Sunday they implored the rector to visit him.
+
+The rector said he would not go (and privately swore it, in episcopal
+terms, for he hated walking and sinners equally), but he offered the
+services of his curate; and the congregation, though it fain would have
+spared its pet curate so dangerous a mission, could not refuse to
+accept.
+
+Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., found it difficult to conceal his delight at
+the prospect before him, for an excess of ladies and butter was killing
+him. He had not enjoyed half an hour's freedom in the open air since his
+arrival at Winklehaven; it seemed to him years since he smoked a morning
+pipe. His bowels yearned towards beer from the barrel and whiskey from
+stone jars.
+
+That last evening he was ever to spend in his lodgings at Winklehaven he
+occupied in preparations for the morrow. He looked up the pipe he had
+brought with him but never smoked, and tobacco--dry and dusty, yet
+fragrant as hay new mown, and pipe-lights, and a French novel; these he
+stuffed into the pockets of his alpaca coat, ingeniously overlaying them
+with his pamphlet confuting the doctrines of the Primitive Bedlamites.
+In the morning he rose gaily; and when he had parted with his anxious
+flock at the foot of the west hill, he ascended the steep path, like a
+cherub climbing a cloud, without sense of exertion, and as one who is
+resolved to make a day of it.
+
+A walk of two miles was before him, but he did not hurry himself after
+he had lost sight of the spinsters and the church weathercock. He
+stopped, took off his collar and band, bared his shirt front to the
+breeze, and took a deep inspiration. Then he threw himself on the thymy
+grass and tasted liberty. He smoked three pipes; he read two chapters
+and a half of the novel, skipping the moral parts; he dropped the book,
+turned over on his chest, and with his clerical hat tilted sideways over
+his eyes, he watched the distant ships for half an hour; after that he
+lay on his back, drew a handkerchief over his eyes and went to sleep. He
+slumbered for two blessed hours, and then waking athirst, thought kindly
+of the sinner who kept his beer in barrels and whisky in cool stoneware.
+
+So he pulled himself into Evangelical shape again and stepped out
+briskly for the smuggler's cottage, smacking his lips. But, alas, the
+cottage door was barred, and there was no trace of the black-bearded
+sinner, save a flitch of bacon and the beer barrel which stood in the
+most inaccessible of pantries.
+
+He must wait. Once more he sat upon the short grass, and to beguile the
+time, drew out the budget of letters sent by his admiring congregation.
+He read them through, one after another, with the view of forming a
+comparative estimate of the writer's value, but the difficulty of
+selecting one seemed greater than ever.
+
+The temporal and spiritual worth of each was represented by
+_x_. With the chance of facilitating his choice he had recourse
+to his pencil, with which he was tolerably skilful, and on the
+back of each letter he drew a portrait of its sender. These
+spinsters were beyond flattery, so he caricatured them to find
+which must certainly be rejected as the worst looking.
+
+In this amusing occupation the time would have passed unheeded but for
+Mr. Lambe's increasing dryness. There was no water to be had, no, nor
+wine, and the interior of the young curate's mouth felt like brown paper
+to his tongue. It suddenly came to his mind that a dip in the cool sea
+would refresh his body, now suffering from external in addition to
+internal dryness. For the hour was two, the month July, and the sun
+unclouded, and he determined at once to bathe, wondering why he had not
+availed himself of this blessing of freedom. Except in a footbath he had
+not bathed during the term of his curacy at Winklehaven. How could he,
+where there was neither seclusion nor bathing machine?
+
+The tide was at ebb, and a long stretch of sand lay between the cliff
+and the sea; but near the water's edge stood a rock, and thither Mr.
+Lambe betook himself. On the cliff side was a little shelf dried by the
+sun, and on this he laid his clothes neatly; then with a smile
+irradiating his countenance, he slapped his thin legs and ran down into
+the bursting waves. Quickly he lost all thought of thirst--of
+everything, save the enjoyment of the moment. He swam in every
+conceivable position, bent in girlish fashion to meet the coming waves,
+and floundered about like a porpoise.
+
+It was whilst turning over head and heels that he caught sight of that
+which, in a moment, sobered him--a petticoat upon the cliff--another,
+another! yet others, each with a wearer! They were not a thousand yards
+from the cottage on the cliff--those ladies whose outlines he
+recognised, even at their remote distance from him. Full well he knew
+they had come to look for him. What was he to do? How could he face
+them, how avoid? He had thought to dry himself like a raisin in the sun;
+that now was impossible. Equally impracticable was it to clothe himself
+wet; before he had a sock on he would be observed, for there was no
+ledge upon the sea-ward side of the rock, and the flowing waves already
+touched its base.
+
+The only place of concealment was behind the rock, and there he must
+stay until the ladies retired.
+
+He lay in the water, and through a chink in the rock watched his
+pursuers; their voices, in high-pitched consultation, reached his ear.
+
+They examined the cottage on the cliff, and then descended to the rocks
+at its base. It was only natural that the ladies should think their
+beloved curate murdered. They had not seen him for six hours; and his
+destruction at the hands of the black-bearded man was the worst
+explanation of his protracted absence that entered their imagination.
+This fear had led them to follow in his footsteps; and now, as they
+poked their sun-shades in the fissures of the rocks, it was with the
+expectation of finding his corpse.
+
+Mr. Lambe was fervently thankful that the rising tide kept them from his
+place of concealment, and watched their movements fixedly, until the
+cramp seized his leg; and then, in the limited space of his seclusion,
+he exercised his ingenuity to keep the vital heat within him.
+
+Occasionally he glanced at the shore. When the ladies were fatigued,
+they systematically divided their number--one going to search, whilst
+the other rested. Hour after hour passed, and every minute brought fresh
+cramps and racking pains to the limbs of the sodden curate. He had to
+put his lips between his teeth, lest their violent chattering should
+proclaim his whereabouts; and he cried like a child when he found his
+body assuming the blue tints of an unboiled lobster.
+
+But still those doting spinsters poked amongst the sea-weed with
+unceasing zeal.
+
+The sun was wearing the horizon, when he heard a scream, and beheld the
+second Miss Cockle pointing in the direction of his rock.
+
+Mr. Lambe was perplexed: it was impossible that his eye, peeping through
+the small chink, had been discovered; but a moment later his perplexity
+gave place to horror, as he perceived his hat bobbing gaily on the waves
+between him and the shore. It was followed by his stockings, and behind
+them in procession his waistcoat, coat--everything! all washed away from
+the nice little ledge by the rising tide. He had never given his clothes
+a thought from the moment he neatly packed them. But had that
+consideration entered his mind, it could only have added to his anxiety:
+for it would have been impossible to get them from the place where they
+lay on the coast-side of the rock without displaying himself. Heedless
+of their boots, the ladies hooked at the oncoming vestments with their
+sunshades; and, now, one has his collar, another his dear hat, and a
+third his blessed braces, whilst their cries of woe echo along the
+coast.
+
+When his coat was fished out, what could be expected, but that the
+ladies all should dash at his pockets with a view to gratifying their
+curiosity, and rescuing the letters which betrayed their most private
+feelings.
+
+With groans, Mr. Lambe beheld his pipe and tobacco brought forth, amidst
+cries of astonishment, then the French novel; and, finally, the bundle
+of letters. He could not bear to see the result, when each, seizing the
+letter in her own handwriting, should find her caricature thereon; and
+dropping his head, he beat it with his fist--partly in frenzy, partly to
+promote the circulation of his stagnating blood.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The black-bearded man returned to the cottage as the ladies, carrying
+the only remains they could find of their curate, were leaving his
+vicinity. He was not displeased that he was later than usual in
+returning; for although he loved the beautiful, he did not like the
+ladies of Winklehaven.
+
+He lived by painting pictures, this pariah of the West Cliff;
+nevertheless, he had some good qualities, and when half an hour later a
+nude study, shivering and wet, presented itself in his doorway craving
+to be taken in out of the night wind, he asked no question until he had
+wrapped him in warm blankets, and filled him with strong liquors.
+
+Mr. Lillywhite Lambe never returned to his curacy, never married a rich
+spinster. His disappearance was not inquired into deeply. Some people
+preferred to think of him as dead and sainted. He was supposed to be
+drowned, and his ghost was said to be visible at times upon the West
+Cliff--generally with a pipe in his mouth. And as his costume was that
+of the black man, who was habitually at his side, it was further
+supposed that he had, in that first visit to the cottage on the cliff,
+sold himself to the D----.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+A MATHEMATIC MADNESS.
+
+F. P. DEMPSTER.
+
+
+  For months I had been "grinding" Mathematics day and night
+  When Miss McGirton cast on my affections such a blight;
+  My mind unhinged now only creaks, and when I tell my woes
+  I'm forced to lisp in _numbers_ what I'd rather say in prose.
+
+  Sweet maiden _perpendicular_! She gave a _slanting_ sigh
+  As o'er my kneeling form she cast a calculating eye.
+  "Ah! well" said I, "you _cipher_ me, for if you'll not be mine
+  From out this pocket next my heart I'll _straight produce a line_;
+  So ere you are, dear _Polly_, _gone_, pray heed your lover's vow,
+  Or he dangles _at right angles_ to some _horizontal_ bough."
+
+  The maid flew in no _frustrum_--like your giddy gushing girls--
+  But standing calm and frigid, shook her strictly _spiral_ curls,
+  And said, "You see we're equal as to station: very well!
+  _Our paths in life could never meet, because they're parallel._"
+
+  Her voice was so serrated that I fled this maid antique;
+  Then, approaching her _obliquely_, _at a tangent_ took her cheek!
+  The kiss was too _elliptical_! She vanished into space!
+  And a circulating obelisk now marks the fatal place.
+
+  Weeks fled. My doctor shook his head and said, "You must embark
+  For an utter change." I did: and went aboard a leaky _Arc_
+  Bound for the hot _Quadratics_, where I landed for a week,
+  And joined the aborigines in every savage freak.
+  I felled primeval forests with the _axes of a cube_,
+  At the feathery _Parabolas_ I aimed the loaded tube;
+  (For while aboard the Arc, you see, I found on _deck a gun_,
+  And, cunning as a Crusoe, put it by for future fun.)
+  While safe within some _brackets_ I have watched those bulky brutes,
+  The snorting _Parallelograms_ that feed upon _square roots_;
+  Their noise would rouse the forest till each denizen therein
+  Woke up and did its "level best" to swell the horrid din.
+  Oh! the shrieking of the _Cylinder_! the _Pyramid's base_ moan,
+  The clucking of the _Sector_ and the cooing of the _Cone_!
+  Then a lull perhaps, while distant ululations would reveal
+  The natives chanting grace before their missionary meal.
+  In truth it was an evil place, for a _Vinculum_ might rise
+  At any moment in your path and wobble its wild eyes;
+  And oft, when looking for a _log_ I'd shake in ev'ry joint
+  For fear some deadly _Decimal_ might sting me with its _point_.
+  At last I plucked up courage, though, and even gained renown
+  In getting gallant trophies for my home in Camden Town:
+  I killed the cruel _Quatrefoil_ to take her snarling cub,
+  Or doubled up a cannibal to get his graven club;
+  I trapped the roaring _Rhombuses_, those beasts of fearful strength,
+  And the _Parallelopipedon_, a snake of awful length;
+  Oft I bestrode the _Algebra_ and charged in wild career
+  The proud opaque _Hypotenuse_ and jabbed him with my spear.
+
+  'Tis past! I'm now in London: yet my reason's all awry.
+  I'm yearning for a vanished maid who gave a slanting sigh.
+  Nor may we meet in Dreamland: e'en there I'm robbed of rest,
+  For a wizened old _Trapezium_ sits sulking on my chest;
+  Or two _triangles_ she jangles with a semilunar leer,
+  Till I wake--with hair erect--in one _diagonal_ of fear!
+  And mark to the clang of _symbols_, phantom figures march all day
+  In _co-efficient_ cohorts--_Major Axis_ leads the way.
+  In short, from early morn until I shuffle off to bed,
+  But one equation's clear to me,--_o_=_ayz_.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+WAITING AT TOTTLEPOT.
+
+J. ASHBY-STERRY.
+
+
+An hour to wait! Well that's a nuisance, but I suppose there is no help
+for it.
+
+I cannot possibly go on without my portmanteau. And they may send the
+wrong one after all. I believe my friend the dismal porter--the faded
+misanthrope in corduroys, only telegraphed for a brown portmanteau.
+There are probably twenty brown portmanteaux at this present moment
+waiting at Jigby Junction, and if I know anything of railway officials,
+they will be sure to send the wrong one. So here I must wait.
+
+I suppose I must have made a mistake in the train. No trap, dog-cart, or
+conveyance of any kind to meet me from Clewmere. Wonder whether they had
+my telegram. The Faded Misanthrope says he is quite certain nothing has
+been over from Clewmere since the day before yesterday. And then he says
+Sir Charles and some of the young ladies came in the waggonette. They
+waited to see two trains in, he told me, and then drove away saying
+there must be some mistake. Hope I did not say Tuesday instead of
+Thursday, or what is far more likely, write Thursday to look like
+Tuesday. I ask my friend the porter if there is any other way of getting
+to Clewmere. "No," he says, "it is a longish walk, a matter of twelve or
+thirteen miles, and a pretty rough road too."
+
+"Now," he says "if it had only been Saturday instead of Thursday, there
+is Smaggleton's 'bus, as 'ud put you down within five minutes' walk of
+the lodge. Smaggleton don't run every day, he don't; he only runs o'
+Saturdays, bein' market day at Stamborough, and a pooty full load he
+gets there and back, which pays Smaggleton very well. And Smaggleton
+wants it," he continues, "what with the branch line to Stamborough,
+Smaggleton's business ain't what it was; he can't afford to turn up his
+nose at a few farmers and their missusses now-a-days. Smaggleton must
+take things as they come--the good and the bad, the rough and the
+smooth--as well as the rest of us. Lor, bless you, Sir, I recollect when
+Smaggleton used to drive about in his dog-cart, in a light top coat, a
+white hat and a rose in his button-hole, he always was quite the----"
+
+As I do not feel particularly interested in the rise, progress or
+downfall of Smaggleton, I am obliged to interrupt my garrulous friend,
+and ask if they did not let out flys at the Crackleton Arms, hard by. He
+informs me, they certainly do "in a usual way." But he adds, they have
+only two flys. One is having something done to the wheels, and the other
+went away early this morning to take some friends of Squire Bullamore's
+to a pic-nic. He furthermore tells me that Cudgerry, the carrier, would
+perhaps be able to give me a lift, but he would not be here till seven
+o'clock this evening. As they dine at Clewmere at eight, of course
+Cudgerry is quite out of the question. My friend shakes his head, he
+retires into a dark, greasy room, which seems to be devoted to lamps,
+and I continue my walk up and down the platform.
+
+Cannot imagine why they ever built a station at Tottlepot. Nobody ever
+wants to stop at Tottlepot, there is no trade at Tottlepot--indeed,
+nobody ought to be allowed to stop at Tottlepot; and Tottlepot as a
+Station ought to be forthwith disestablished and erased from the railway
+map of Great Britain. If I had left the train at Jigby Junction, I
+should not have lost my portmanteau, I could have hired a fly, and
+should by this time have been quietly lunching at Clewmere Court instead
+of pacing up and down the Tottlepot platform like a wild beast in his
+den.
+
+I have often waited at stations before. Every kind of station, little
+and big, all over the Continent and England, and have generally found
+that waiting productive of considerable amusement. But Tottlepot is
+quite a different thing. I think it was Albert Smith who once spoke of
+the depth of dulness being achieved by "spending a wet Sunday, all by
+yourself, in a hack cab in the middle of Salisbury Plain." Had he been
+compelled to wait on a fine Thursday at Tottlepot he would have
+discovered a depth yet lower. The only thing in my favour is, it is
+fine. If it were wet I cannot imagine what I should do. There is a small
+room I see labelled "Waiting-Room." It is about the size of a
+bathing-machine and half filled with parcels and bandboxes. If you had
+to wait there you would be compelled to sit with your legs right across
+the down platform; the only use of that waiting-room would be to keep
+your hat dry.
+
+There is not a refreshment room, there is not even a book-stall. I cannot
+even cheer myself with an ancient bath bun, a glass of cloudy beer, or
+two penny-worth of acidulated drops. (If there happened to be a
+refreshment room at Tottlepot that is exactly the kind of refreshment
+they would give you). Neither can I pass away the time by purchasing a
+penny paper, and taking a free read of all the novels and publications
+awaiting purchasers. There are no advertisements, no lovely oil
+paintings of sea-side resorts, which are all the more charming from
+being not the least like the place they are supposed to represent; there
+are no bills of entertainments; no auctioneers' and house-agents'
+notices; no posters concerning hotels, nor glass-cases containing
+photographic specimens. It is just the place for Mark Tapley to come to
+as station-master. And he, with all his power of being jolly under the
+most disadvantageous circumstances, would probably be found under the
+wheels of a passing express within a fortnight.
+
+And talking about the station-master reminds me I have not yet seen
+him. Possibly my friend, the Faded Misanthrope in corduroys, is
+station-master. If so, he has to clean the lamps, send telegrams, take
+and issue tickets, look after the baggage, attend to the signals,
+cultivate his garden, pay visits to the Crackleton Arms, and superintend
+the traffic of the station generally. I do not wonder at his appearing
+to be somewhat depressed. The only thing of a lively nature I see about
+the place is a fine black cat, with enormous green eyes, which might be
+utilised as "caution" signals when the porter, in consequence of his
+multifarious duties, was unable to reach the signal-box. This cat was
+evidently very much pleased to see me indeed. It followed me up and down
+the platform like a dog, and it purred like a saw-pit in full work.
+
+A very tiny pale governess, with two big bouncing rosy girls, in the
+highest of spirits, the shortest of petticoats and the longest of hair,
+cross the line. I fancy those young ladies are daughters of the Vicar,
+and I may meet their excellent mamma at dinner to-night. The governess
+passes demurely through the side wicket. One of her charges tries to do
+a sort of Blondin feat by walking along the glistening iron rail and
+falls down; the eldest boldly clambers over the five-barred gate and
+shows a shapely pair of legs, clad in sable hose and snow-white frilled
+pantalettes. "What did I tell you, Lil?" says the governess in the
+mildest voice to the first. "Very well, Gil, wait till we get home!" she
+remarks in yet sweeter tones to the second. The two children rejoin her
+at once and take her hand, and disappear down the lane. I am left to
+wonder how she acquires this influence over them, for they are as tall
+as she is and infinitely stronger--they could eat her, were they so
+minded. I wonder too what will happen to Gil when they get home? Will
+mamma be told? No, I fancy this mild little governess is quite equal to
+controlling, unaided, these big bouncing girls.
+
+My friend the porter has by this time got through a quantity of business
+of a varied nature, and is enjoying a little light relaxation by digging
+violently in his garden. He has taken off his jacket, and a good deal of
+his depression seems to have been removed at the same time--it _must_ be
+depressing to be compelled to reside in a somewhat tight corduroy jacket
+all your life--and as he digs he hums to himself a sort of merry dirge.
+I endeavour to enter into the spirit of the thing, and sympathise with
+him in his relaxation. I say cheerfully, as if I knew all about it, "Ah!
+nice fine weather for the----!" I cannot for the life of me think what
+it is nice fine weather for. My friend says, "Eh?" I observe he is not
+so respectful in his private as in his porterial capacity. I reply,
+"Quite so!" whereupon he rejoins, "Ha! but we could do wi' a bit o' rain
+for the----." Cannot catch remainder of his sentence; but I never yet
+met a gardener who couldn't "do wi' a bit o' rain" for something or
+other.
+
+We begin to be quite voluble on the subject of plants and crops. I find
+he knows so much more on the subject than I do, but I merely nod my head
+and smile weakly and presently move quietly away. When I reach the other
+end of the platform I hear the sharp jingle of the telegraph bell and
+the jerk of the signal levers. Presently a very prim and neat
+station-master appears, who looks as if he had just been turned out of
+one of the band-boxes in the waiting room. There is also a very active
+boy porter, who is apparently trying to run over the station-master with
+a truck. My old friend is walking slowly along the platform. He has left
+the gay horticulturist in the garden, and has assumed the Faded
+Misanthrope with his corduroy jacket. He tells me that the train is now
+coming--the one that will bring my portmanteau. The train presently
+stops; a few dazed agriculturists, and a very stout fussy old lady,
+half-a-dozen milk cans, and my portmanteau are put out.
+
+I am gazing at the latter to be quite sure it is my own, when I hear
+myself addressed by name. I turn round and see a smart groom whose face
+I know well. "Anything else beside the portmanteau, sir?" he says,
+touching his hat. "Sir Charles is outside with the waggonette; the new
+pair is a little bit fresh, and he don't like to leave 'em."
+
+That is all right. I think to myself I shall dine at Clewmere after all.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+MARRIED TO A GIANTESS.
+
+WALTER PARKE.
+
+
+I loved her with all my heart, and, indeed, it took all my heart to
+accomplish the feat; for, in sooth, there was a great deal--a very great
+deal--of her to love. Although only "sweet seventeen," she had reached
+the commanding stature of nine feet nine inches, and, to use the words
+of a familiar advertisement, she was "still growing."
+
+From my childhood I had doated on the gigantic, loved the lofty, admired
+the massive, and had a weakness for strength. The tales I best loved
+were those of giants.
+
+Can you wonder, then, that when I heard that the celebrated Samothracian
+Giantess, Goliathina Immensikoff, from the wilds of Wallachia, the
+largest woman in the world, was approaching London, my soul was stirred
+by the news as by a trumpet-call? I read with the deepest interest the
+accounts of her antecedents. I learnt how she was discovered in the
+Wilds of Wallachia by Whiteley, the World's Provider, who had "taken her
+from the bosom of her family"--and here I could not help exclaiming,
+"What a stupendous 'bosom' that 'family' must have had!"
+
+As I reclined on my sofa, smoking the largest possible meerschaum, and
+reading with absorbing interest these accounts of one who was certainly
+"born to greatness," I suddenly came to a terrific and almost appalling
+resolve. Involuntarily I exclaimed, aloud, "She shall be mine!"
+
+Yet how could I hope for success? To win so great a being one must be
+not only a lady-killer, but a giant-killer also; and though I bear a
+"big" name myself--Hector Gogmagog--Nature has denied me either
+extraordinary personal attractions or lofty stature. How hopeless, then,
+for me to aspire to the affection of the Monumental Maiden of
+Samothracia! Five feet five pitted against nine feet nine is to be
+pitted indeed!
+
+But love laughs at obstacles. That evening I went to the Royal Escurial
+Theatre, where Mademoiselle Goliathina was performing, and sat
+enthralled to witness her impersonation of the Queen of Brobdingnag. The
+pictures had not exaggerated. She was "every inch a queen"--a phrase of
+some significance when the number of inches mounts up to one hundred and
+seventeen.
+
+The next step was to get an introduction. This I accomplished to my
+satisfaction, and though at first naturally overawed by her Leviathan
+aspect, thenceforward my wooing proceeded rapidly. I had several
+interviews with the colossal charmer, at which I had the satisfaction of
+discovering that I was more in her eyes than some other men who were
+nearer to herself in point of stature. Words of encouragement coming
+from those lips, so near and yet so far away, words spoken in soft
+Wallachian, yet in tones that Stentor might have envied--elevated me to
+the seventh heaven of pride and delight. I already felt taller by
+inches--but what was _that_ to her nine feet nine?
+
+I sent her the very biggest bouquets, such as occupied a whole hansom
+cab each; love letters, their weight barely covered by eight stamps; and
+valentines that would only go by parcels delivery.
+
+All this had its effect. She would have been less than woman, instead of
+a very great deal _more_--had she been insensible to my devotion. Can I
+ever forget what the poet ecstatically calls "the first kiss of
+love"--how, at considerable inconvenience to herself, she bent that
+statuesque form to accommodate herself to my limited stature? That
+_was_, indeed, "stooping to conquer."
+
+Yet with all this encouragement, it was in fear and trembling that I
+approached the momentous question. Fancy a refusal from those lips. It
+would be crushing indeed!
+
+"Dearest Goliathina," I said, standing upon the head of the sofa, in
+order to place myself upon something like her own exalted level, "say,
+oh, say you will be mine. You may be sure of my lifelong devotion. You
+will be all in all to me, and, in fact, much more than all; for you are
+far too large to be merely my better half. I shall always make much of
+you, and look up to you as one infinitely above me. Fortunately, I have
+a large heart; but as you occupy it entirely, it would be perfectly
+impossible for me to find room for any other object. Were you to reject
+me, there would be an immeasurable void in my life, and who else is
+capable of filling it?"
+
+She was evidently affected; for what the poet calls a "big round
+tear"--and goodness knows _how_ big round tear it was in this
+case--could be perceived starting from each of her moonlike eyes. I
+clasped her hand--which in point of length was a _foot_--and she did not
+withdraw it.
+
+"Fondest Hector," she responded, "I am thine!"
+
+And she leant her head upon my shoulder. I staggered; but by the
+exertion of all my strength I was able for some moments to sustain that
+delicious burden.
+
+Our wedding took place before the Registrar, who, being of a nervous
+temperament, was so overwhelmed at the towering dimensions of the bride,
+that he could scarcely get through the ceremony. It was all as private
+as so abnormal an affair could possibly be kept, and for a time the
+famous female colossus figured no longer at the Royal Escurial as Queen
+Brobdingnag, a substitute only six feet two inches having been provided.
+
+Marrying a giantess has its inconveniences. I had to have a house built
+with exceptionally lofty rooms and doors ten feet high, with furniture
+on a corresponding scale. An ordinary carriage was of no use to my wife,
+whose size also frightened the horses; so we had a sort of triumphal car
+built, drawn by a circus elephant. It was expensive, but an excellent
+advertisement in a theatrical sense. She could never walk out without
+being mobbed, and terrifying babies. She dared not visit a friend's
+house for fear of frightening the children and destroying the furniture.
+And fancy her at a dance! Moreover, our housekeeping expenses were
+something frightful.
+
+Anon, darker shadows hovered around our domestic sphere. Her temper
+proved to be at times uncertain. At the least attempt to thwart any of
+her strange caprices, she grew infuriated; and when annoyed, she had a
+way of putting me on the top of a high bookcase, or locking me up in a
+cupboard, box, or trunk--for I have said all our belongings were on a
+gigantic scale--which was peculiarly humiliating.
+
+About this time we became acquainted with Morlock Mastodon, Drum-Major
+to his highness the Grand Duke of Samothracia. The Major, though of
+small stature compared with my wife, was considered a giant by ordinary
+men, being seven feet ten in height. My fondness for giants rendered
+him an eligible acquaintance to me. Mrs. Gogmagog naturally took to one
+of her own gigantic species; and the Major was pleased to say that ours
+was the only comfortable and commodious house in England--he meant the
+only one in which the doors were ten feet high, and the chair-seats four
+feet from the ground. Anyhow, he soon made himself at home with us--too
+_much_ at home, as I couldn't help thinking. I didn't mind him and my
+wife being good friends; but when, in their gigantic loftiness, they
+seemed to overlook me altogether, I began to entertain natural feelings
+of jealousy. Besides, the Major owed me money--large sums in proportion
+to his size, which he had borrowed under the obviously false pretence
+that he was "_very short_ just now;" and he seemed in no hurry to pay it
+back. What could I do? It was rather a risky thing to expostulate with a
+man of seven feet ten; and to turn him out of the house would have been
+a task altogether beyond my physical strength. At all events I could
+resolve that he should never enter it again; and I gave strict
+injunctions that always in future when Major Mastodon called there was
+to be "nobody at home."
+
+Moreover, I actually summoned up courage to tell my wife of my
+resolution, and even to remonstrate with her upon her own demeanour
+towards the gallant and gigantic Major. Then she got into a rage. And
+_such_ a rage! Heavens! what had I done? What would become of me? I was
+as one who had called down upon his devoted head the wrath of the gods
+or of the Titans.
+
+She drew herself up to her full height of nearly ten feet, her eyes
+glared like those of a demoniac, and grasping my arm in her Herculean
+clutch, she lifted me bodily from the ground.
+
+"Hands off!" I exclaimed, struggling. "Hit one your own size!"
+
+"_My_ own size!" she thundered, in a _contralto profundo_ voice that
+shook the very roof. "Where am I to find 'em? The only person
+approximating to my own size you have forbidden the house. You--_you_
+dare try and control my actions--you, whom I could crush like a
+blue-bottle--attempt to dictate to _me_! I will stand this no longer.
+You have offended me once too often. You die!"
+
+"Beware, fearful female!" I gasped. "Colossal as you are, the arm of the
+law is still longer and even stronger than yours. Kill me, and you will
+assuredly die for it!"
+
+She gave a laugh of scorn.
+
+"Me?" she cried. "Do you believe they would hang _me_? No; I am above
+all laws, and I have sworn that you shall die!"
+
+And in spite of my struggles she flung me, as easily as if I had been a
+doll, right out of the third storey window. Down I fell, down, down,
+till I--
+
+---- found myself on the floor. I had tumbled off the sofa, and so
+awakened from my terrific dream. Heavens! what a relief to find that
+after all I was _not_ married to a giantess, that it was all a vision
+due to my falling asleep over the advertisement, and that Mdlle.
+Goliathina was but a gigantic nightmare.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+THE VISION OF THE ALDERMAN.
+
+HENRY S. LEIGH.
+
+
+  An Alderman sat at a festive board,
+    Quaffing the blood-red wine,
+  And many a Bacchanal stave outpour'd
+    In praise of the fruitful vine.
+  Turtle and salmon and Strasbourg pie
+    Pippins and cheese were there;
+  And the bibulous Alderman wink'd his eye,
+    For the sherris was old and rare.
+
+  But a cloud came o'er his gaze eftsoons,
+    And his wicked old orbs grew dim;
+  Then drink turn'd each of the silver spoons
+    To a couple of spoons for _him_.
+  He bow'd his head at the festive board,
+    By the gaslight's dazzling gleam:
+  He bow'd his head and he slept and snor'd,
+    And he dream'd a fearful dream.
+
+  Far, carried away on the wings of Sleep,
+    His spirit was onward borne,
+  Till he saw vast holiday crowds in Chepe
+    On a ninth November morn.
+  Guns were booming and bells ding-dong'd,
+    Ethiop minstrels play'd;
+  And still, wherever the burghers throng'd,
+    Brisk jongleurs drove their trade.
+
+  Scarlet Sheriffs, the City's pride,
+    With a portly presence fill'd
+  The whole of the courtyard just outside
+    The hall of their ancient Guild.
+  And in front of the central gateway there,
+    A marvellous chariot roll'd,
+  (Like gingerbread at a country fair
+    'Twas cover'd with blazing gold).
+
+  And a being, array'd in pomp and pride
+    Was brought to the big stone gate;
+  And they begg'd that being to mount and ride
+    In that elegant coach of state.
+  But, oh! he was fat, so ghastly fat,
+    Was that being of pomp and pride,
+  That, in spite of many attempts thereat,
+    He _couldn't_ be pushed inside.
+
+  That being was press'd, but press'd in vain,
+    Till the drops bedew'd his cheek;
+  The gilded vehicle rock'd again,
+    And the springs began to creak.
+  The slumbering alderman groan'd a groan,
+    For a vision he seem'd to trace,
+  Some horrible semblance to _his own_
+    In that being's purple face.
+
+  And, "Oh!" he cried, as he started up;
+    "Sooner than come to _that_,
+  Farewell for ever the baneful cup
+    And the noxious turtle fat!"--
+  They carried him up the winding-stair;
+    They laid him upon the bed;
+  And they left him, sleeping the sleep of care,
+    With an ache in his nightcapp'd head.
+
+    (_By permission of_ MESSRS. CHATTO & WINDUS.)
+
+
+
+
+THE DEMON SNUFFERS.
+
+GEO. MANVILLE FENN.
+
+
+I'm not at all given to parading my troubles--nothing of the kind. I may
+be getting old, in fact, I am; and I may have had disappointments such
+as have left me slightly irritable and peevish; but I ask, as a man, who
+wouldn't be troubled in his nerves if he had suffered from snuffers?
+
+Snuffers? Yes--snuffers--a pair of cheap, black, iron snuffers, that
+screech when they are opened, and creak when they are shut; a pair that
+will not stay open, nor yet keep shut; a pair that gape at you
+incessantly, and point at you a horrid sharp iron beak, as a couple of
+leering eyes turn the finger and thumb holes into a pair of spectacles,
+and squint and wink at you maliciously. A word in your ear--this in a
+whisper--those snuffers are haunted! their insignificant iron frame is
+the habitation of a demon--an imp of darkness; and I've been troubled
+till I've got snuffers on the brain, and I shall have them till I'm
+snuffed out.
+
+It has been going on now for a couple of years, ever since my landlady
+sent the snuffers up to me first in my shiney crockery-ware candlestick,
+where those snuffers glide about like a snake in a tin pail. I remember
+the first night as well as can be. It was in November--a weird, wet,
+foggy night, when the river-side streets were wrapped in a yellow
+blanket of fog--and I was going to bed, when, at my first touch of the
+candlestick, those snuffers glided off with an angry snap, and lay,
+open-mouthed, glaring at me from the floor.
+
+I was somewhat startled, certainly, but far from alarmed; and I seized
+the fugitives and replaced them in the candlestick, opened the door, and
+ascended the stairs.
+
+Mind, I am only recording facts untinged by the pen of romance! Before I
+had ascended four steps, those hideous snuffers darted off, and plunged,
+point downwards, on to my left slippered foot, causing me an agonising
+pang, and the next moment a bead of starting blood stained my stocking.
+
+I will not declare this, but I believe it to be a fact: as I said
+something oathish, I am nearly certain that I heard a low, fiendish
+chuckle; and when I stooped to lift the snuffers, there was a bright
+spark in the open mouth, and a pungent blue smoke breathed out to annoy
+my nostrils!
+
+I was too bold in those days to take much notice of the incident, and I
+hurried upstairs--not, however, without seeing that there was a foul,
+black patch left upon my holland stair-cloth; and then I hurried into
+bed, and tried to sleep. But I could not, try as I would. In the
+darkness I could just make out the candlestick against the blind: and
+from that point incessantly the demon snuffers gradually approached me,
+till they sat spectacle-wise astride my nose, and a pair of burning eyes
+gazed through them right into mine.
+
+Need I say that I arose next morning feverish and unrefreshed to go
+about my daily duties?
+
+"I'll have no more of it to-night," I said to myself, as I rose early to
+go to bed and make up for the past bad night; and I smiled sardonically
+as I took up the highly-glazed candlestick and tried to shake the black,
+straddling reptile out upon the sideboard. I say _tried_; for, to my
+horror, the great eyeholes leered at me as they hugged round the upright
+portion of the stick and refused to be dislodged. I shook them again,
+and one part went round the extinguisher support, which the reptile
+dislodged, so that the extinguisher rattled upon the sideboard top. But
+the snuffers were there still. I tried again, and they, or it, dodged
+round and thrust a head through the handle, where they stuck fast,
+grinning at me till I set the candlestick down and stared.
+
+"Pooh!--stuff!--ridiculous!" I exclaimed, quite angry at my weak,
+imaginative folly; and, determined to act like a man, I seized the
+candlestick with one hand, the snuffers with the other, and, after a
+hard fight, succeeded in wriggling them out of their stronghold, banged
+them down upon the table cloth, seized them again, snuffed my candle
+viciously before replacing them on the table, and then marched out of
+the room, proud of my moral triumph, and rejoicing in having freed
+myself of the demon. But, as I stood upon the stairs, I could see that
+my hand was blackened; and the icy, galvanic feeling that assailed my
+nerves when I first touched the snuffers still tingled right to my
+elbow.
+
+But I was free of my enemy; and marching with freely playing lungs into
+my bedroom, I closed and locked the door, set down my empty candlestick,
+changed my coat and vest for a dressing-gown and began to brush my hair.
+
+It is my custom to brush my hair with a pair of brushes for ten minutes
+every night before retiring to rest. I find it strengthening to the
+brain. Upon this occasion I had brushed hard for five minutes, when
+there was a loud knock at my bed-room door.
+
+"Can I speak to you a moment, sir?" said the voice of my landlady.
+
+I rose and opened the door, and then started back in disgust, as I was
+greeted with--
+
+"Please, sir, you forgot your snuffers!"
+
+My snuffers! It was too horrible; but there was more to bear.
+
+"And please, sir, I do hope you'll be more careful. It's a mussy we
+warn't all burnt to death in our beds, for the snuffers have made a
+great hole as big as your hand in the tablecloth, and scorched the
+mahogany table; and it was a mussy I went into your room before I went
+up to bed."
+
+I couldn't speak, for I was drawn irresistibly on to obey, as my
+landlady held the snuffers-handle towards me, and pointed to the fungus
+snuff upon the common candle. I thrust in a finger and thumb, closed the
+door in desperation--for I could not refuse the snuffers--once more
+locked myself in, and stalked to the dressing-table; and, as I heard my
+landlady's retreating steps, I snuffed the candle, which started up
+instantly with a brighter flame, as the snuffers' mouth closed upon the
+incandescent wick.
+
+"I'm slightly nervous," I said to myself, as I essayed to put down my
+enemies. "I want tone--iron--iodine--tonic bitters--and--curse the
+thing!" I ejaculated, shaking my hand and trying to dislodge the
+snuffers. My efforts were but vain, for the rings clung tightly to my
+finger and thumb, cut into my flesh, and it was not until I had given
+them a frantic wrench, which broke the rivet and separated the halves,
+that I was able to tear out my bruised digits, and stand, panting, at
+the broken instrument.
+
+There was relief, though, here. I felt as if I had crushed out the
+reptile's life; and the two pieces--their living identity gone--lay
+nerveless, and devoid of terrors, in the candle tray.
+
+I slept excellently that night, and smiled as I dressed beside the
+broken fragments. I had achieved a victory over self, as well as over an
+enemy. I enjoyed my breakfast, after raising the white cloth to look at
+the damage, which I knew would appear as twenty shillings in the weekly
+bill; but I did not care, though I shuddered slightly as I thought of
+the snuffers' horrible designs. I dined that day with friends, played a
+few games afterwards at pool, and then we had oysters.
+
+I was in the best of spirits as I opened the door with my latchkey, and
+I laughed heartily at what I called my folly of the previous nights;
+but, as I entered my room, there was the great black hole in the green
+cloth table cover, and the charred wood beneath, while, upon the
+sideboard----
+
+I groaned as I stood, half transfixed. I could have imagined that I had
+on divers leaden-soled boots; for there, maliciously grinning at me with
+half-opened mouth, were the demon snuffers, joined together by a new,
+glistening rivet, which only added to their weird appearance, as the
+beak cocked itself at me, and the great eyes glared, as the black mouth
+seemed to say--
+
+"You'll never get rid of me!"
+
+Something seemed to draw me, and I went and took the candlestick, my
+eyes being fixed the while upon the snuffers; and I came in contact with
+several pieces of furniture as I went into the passage, where I held the
+candlestick very much on one side as I lit the candle at the little
+lamp. I hoped that the snuffers would fall out; but they grinned
+maliciously, and did not stir.
+
+The next moment I was obliged to use them, for the candle began to
+gutter; when, as nothing followed, I grew bolder, and began to ascend
+the stairs. In a minute, though before I was half way up the second
+flight, and though the candlestick was carried perfectly
+straight--crash! the demon snuffers darted out, and dashed themselves
+upon the floor.
+
+I did not stay to look, but hurried to my bed-room, closing and locking
+the door.
+
+"Safe this time!" I thought; for it was late, and I knew that my
+landlady must have been long in bed. Then I began to think of how they
+had hopped out of the candlestick, and I remembered what they had done
+on the previous night--how they had tried to set fire to the house.
+Suppose they should do so now? The cold perspiration trickled down my
+nose at the very thought. I dared not leave the demon, or twin
+demons--the horrid Siamese pair.
+
+I would, though--I was safe here. But, fire! Suppose they set the house
+on fire?
+
+Down I went in the dark--very softly, too, lest I should alarm the
+landlady and the other lodgers; but, though the odour was strong, I went
+right to the bottom, and stood upon the door-mat without finding my
+enemies.
+
+I stood and thought for a few minutes, and then began slowly to ascend,
+feeling carefully all over every step as I went up to my bed-room, where
+I arrived, without ever my hand coming in contact with that which I
+sought.
+
+"I'll go to bed and leave them!" I ejaculated, and I turned upon my
+heel; but, at that moment, the pungent burning odour came up stronger
+than ever, and I was compelled to descend, to find that the demon twins
+had been lying in ambush half-way down, so that I trod upon them,
+tripped, in my terror my foot glided, over them, and I fell with a crash
+into the umbrella stand, which I upset with a hideous noise upon the
+oilcloth--not so loud, though, but that I could hear the little black
+imps take three or four grasshopper leaps along the passage, ending by
+sticking the pointed beak into the street door.
+
+Before I could gather myself up, I heard doors opening upstairs, and
+screaming from the girls below who slept in the kitchen; and the next
+minute old Major O'Brien's voice came roaring down--
+
+"An' if ye shtir a shtep I'll blow out yer brains!"
+
+Of course I had to explain; and I had the horrible knowledge that they
+gave me the credit of being intoxicated--the Major saying he would not
+stop in a house where people went prowling about at all hours, ending by
+himself, at the landlady's request, examining the door to see if it was
+latched securely, and then seeing me safely to my room.
+
+"An' if I did me duty, sor, I should lock you in," he said by way of
+good night. "And now get into bed, sor, and at once; and--here are your
+snuffers!"
+
+I could fill volumes with the tortures inflicted upon me by those
+haunted snuffers, for they clung to me, and in spite of every effort
+never left me free. It was in vain that I came home early and shifted
+them into the Major's candlestick: they only came back. I threw them out
+of the bedroom window once, and they were found by the maid in the area.
+I threw them out again, and they were picked up by the policeman, and
+they made him bring them back. Then I tried it at midday; but an old
+woman brought them in, and made a row because they went through her
+parasol, so that I had to pay ten shillings, besides being looked upon
+by my landlady as a lunatic.
+
+I thrust them into the fire one night, and held them there with the
+tongs, lest they should leap out; but they would not burn, and my
+landlady, finding them in the ashes, had them japanned, and they were in
+their old place next day. I had no better luck when I thrust
+them--buried them--deep in a scuttle of ashes; they only turned up out
+of the dusthole when Mary sifted the cinders.
+
+They always came off black on to my hands when they did not anoint my
+fingers with soft tallow. If they fell out of the candlestick, it was
+always on to oilcloth or paint, where they could make a noise jumping
+about like a grasshopper, till they ended by standing upon the sharp
+beak, with the spectacle-like holes in the air. If I went up to dress,
+they would shoot into my collar-box, or amongst my clean shirts,
+smutting them all over. If I tried to kill a wasp with them upon an
+autumn evening, when the insect crept out of a plum at dessert, the
+wretches only snipped him in two, as if rejoicing at the inflicted
+torture. In short, they have worn me out--those snuffers; and, if it was
+not from fear, I should take and drop them from the parapet of a bridge.
+
+But, there! it would be in vain; they would be certain to turn up; and
+they are not mortal, so what can you expect? Let this communication be a
+secret, for it is written wholly by day, when the snuffers lie in the
+lower regions.
+
+A bright thought has occurred to me--the Major leaves this morning for
+Berlin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have done it--his carpet bag stood in the hall, waiting for the cab.
+The Major was in the drawing-room paying his bill. The maids were
+upstairs making the beds. I stole down, like a thief, into the kitchen.
+The snuffers were in my dirty candlestick upon the dresser. I seized the
+grinning, tallow-anointed demons, flew up the stairs, and, as I heard
+the drawing-room door open, tore the bag a little apart, and thrust them
+in. The next minute they were on the roof of a cab, and on their way to
+Berlin, where they will haunt the Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A month of uninterrupted joy has passed. On the day of the Major's
+departure I seemed to wed pleasure; and this has been the honeymoon.
+This morning, when I paid my bill, the landlady announced the coming
+back of the Major to his old apartments. I have been in dread ever
+since. But this is folly. I will be hopeful: my worst fears may not be
+confirmed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It's all over--he has brought them back!
+
+They grin at me as I write.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER.
+
+LEWIS CARROLL.
+
+
+  The sun was shining on the sea,
+    Shining with all his might;
+  He did his very best to make
+    The billows smooth and bright--
+  And this was odd, because it was
+    The middle of the night.
+
+  The moon was shining sulkily,
+    Because she thought the sun
+  Had got no business to be there
+    After the day was done.
+  "It's very rude of him," she said,
+    "To come and spoil the fun."
+
+  The sea was wet as wet could be,
+    The sands were dry as dry.
+  You could not see a cloud, because
+    No cloud was in the sky:
+  No birds were flying over-head--
+    There were no birds to fly.
+
+  The Walrus and the Carpenter
+    Were walking close at hand;
+  They wept like anything to see
+    Such quantities of sand:
+  "If this were only cleared away,"
+    They said, "It _would_ be grand!"
+
+  "If seven maids, with seven mops,
+    Swept it for half a year,
+  Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
+    "That they could get it clear?"
+  "I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
+    And shed a bitter tear.
+
+  "O, Oysters, come and walk with us!"
+    The Walrus did beseech.
+  "A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
+    Along the briny beach:
+  We cannot do with more than four,
+  To give a hand to each."
+
+  The eldest Oyster looked at him,
+    But never a word he said:
+  The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
+    And shook his heavy head--
+  Meaning to say he did not choose
+    To leave the oyster-bed.
+
+  But four young Oysters hurried up,
+    All eager for the treat:
+  Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
+    Their shoes were clean and neat--
+  And this was odd, because, you know,
+    They hadn't any feet.
+
+  Four other Oysters followed them,
+    And yet another four;
+  And thick and fast they came at last,
+    And more, and more, and more--
+  All hopping through the frothy waves,
+    And scrambling to the shore.
+
+  The Walrus and the Carpenter
+    Walked on a mile or so,
+  And then they rested on a rock
+    Conveniently low:
+  And all the little Oysters stood
+    And waited in a row.
+
+  "The time has come," the Walrus said,
+    "To talk of many things:
+  Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
+    Of cabbages--and kings--
+  And why the sea is boiling hot--
+    And whether pigs have wings."
+
+  "But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
+    "Before we have our chat;
+  For some of us are out of breath,
+    And all of us are fat!"
+  "No hurry," said the Carpenter:
+    They thanked him much for that.
+
+  "A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
+    "Is what we chiefly need:
+  Pepper and vinegar besides
+    Are very good indeed--
+  Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear,
+    We can begin to feed."
+
+  "But not on us," the Oysters cried,
+    Turning a little blue.
+  "After such kindness, that would be
+    A dismal thing to do!"
+  "The night is fine," the Walrus said.
+    "Do you admire the view?
+
+  "It was so kind of you to come,
+    And you are very nice!"
+  The Carpenter said nothing but
+    "Cut us another slice:
+  I wish you were not quite so deaf--
+    I've had to ask you twice!"
+
+  "It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
+    "To play them such a trick,
+  After we've brought them out so far,
+    And made them trot so quick!"
+  The Carpenter said nothing but
+    "The butter's spread too thick!"
+
+  "I weep for you," the Walrus said:
+    "I deeply sympathize."
+  With sobs and tears he sorted out
+    Those of the largest size,
+  Holding his pocket-handkerchief
+    Before his streaming eyes.
+
+  "O, Oysters," said the Carpenter,
+    "You've had a pleasant run!
+  Shall we be trotting home again?"
+    But answer came there none--
+  And this was scarcely odd, because
+    They'd eaten every one.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+MY BROTHER HENRY.
+
+J. M. BARRIE.
+
+
+At first sight it may not, perhaps, seem quite the thing that I should
+be hilarious because I have at last had the courage to kill my brother
+Henry. For some time, however, Henry had been annoying me. Strictly
+speaking, I never had a brother Henry. It is just fifteen months since I
+began to acknowledge that there was such a person. It came about in this
+way:--I have a friend of the name of Fenton, who, like myself, lives in
+London. His house is so conveniently situated that I can go there and
+back in one day. About a year and a half ago I was at Fenton's, and he
+remarked that he had met a man the day before who knew my brother Henry.
+Not having a brother Henry, I felt that there must be a mistake
+somewhere; so I suggested that Fenton's friend had gone wrong in the
+name. My only brother, I pointed out with the suavity of manner that
+makes me a general favourite, was called Alexander. "Yes," said Fenton,
+"but he spoke of Alexander also." Even this did not convince me that I
+had a brother Henry, and I asked Fenton the name of his friend.
+Scudamour was the name, and the gentleman had met my brothers Alexander
+and Henry some six years previously in Paris. When I heard this I
+probably frowned; for then I knew who my brother Henry was. Strange
+though it may seem, I was my own brother Henry. I distinctly remembered
+meeting this man Scudamour at Paris during the time that Alexander and I
+were there for a week's pleasure, and quarrelled every day. I explained
+this to Fenton; and there, for the time being, the matter rested. I had,
+however, by no means heard the last of Henry. Several times afterwards I
+heard from various persons that Scudamour wanted to meet me because he
+knew my brother Henry. At last we did meet, at a Bohemian supper-party
+in Furnival's Inn; and, almost as soon as he saw me, Scudamour asked
+where Henry was now. This was precisely what I feared. I am a man who
+always looks like a boy. There are few persons of my age in London who
+retain their boyish appearance as long as I have done; indeed, this is
+the curse of my life. Though I am approaching the age of thirty, I pass
+for twenty; and I have observed old gentlemen frown at my precocity when
+I said a good thing or helped myself to a second glass of wine. There
+was, therefore, nothing surprising in Scudamour's remark that, when he
+had the pleasure of meeting Henry, Henry must have been about the age
+that I had now reached. All would have been well had I explained the
+real state of affairs to this annoying man; but, unfortunately for
+myself, I loathe entering upon explanations to anybody about anything.
+When I ring for my boots and my servant thinks I want a glass of water,
+I drink the water and remain indoors. Much, then, did I dread a
+discussion with Scudamour, his surprise when he heard that I was Henry
+(my Christian name is Thomas), and his comments on my youthful
+appearance. Besides, I was at that moment carving a tough fowl; and, as
+I learned to carve from a handbook, I can make no progress unless I keep
+muttering to myself, "Cut from A to B, taking care to pass along the
+line C D, and sever the wing K from the body at the point F." There was
+no likelihood of my meeting Scudamour again, so the easiest way to get
+rid of him seemed to be to humour him. I therefore told him that Henry
+was in India, married, and doing well. "Remember me to Henry when you
+write to him," was Scudamour's last remark to me that evening. A few
+weeks later someone tapped me on the shoulder in Oxford Street. It was
+Scudamour. "Heard from Henry?" he asked. I said I had heard by the last
+mail. "Anything particular in the letter?" I felt it would not do to say
+there was nothing particular in a letter which had come all the way from
+India, so I hinted that Henry had had trouble with his wife. By this I
+meant that her health was bad; but he took it up in another way, and I
+did not set him right. "Ah, ah!" he said, shaking his head sagaciously,
+"I'm sorry to hear that. Poor Henry!" "Poor old boy!" was all I could
+think of replying. "How about the children?" Scudamour asked. "Oh, the
+children," I said, with what I thought presence of mind, "are coming to
+England." "To stay with Alexander?" he asked; for Alexander is a married
+man. My answer was that Alexander was expecting them by the middle of
+next month; and eventually Scudamour went away muttering "Poor Henry!"
+In a month or so we met again. "No word of Henry's getting leave of
+absence?" asked Scudamour. I replied shortly that Henry had gone to live
+in Bombay, and would not be home for years. He saw that I was brusque,
+so what does he do but draw me aside for a quiet explanation. "I
+suppose," he said, "you are annoyed because I told Fenton that Henry's
+wife had run away from him. The fact is I did it for your good. You see
+I happened to make a remark to Fenton about your brother Henry, and he
+said that there was no such person. Of course I laughed at that, and
+pointed out not only that I had the pleasure of Henry's acquaintance,
+but that you and I had a talk about the old fellow every time we met.
+'Well,' Fenton said, 'this is a most remarkable thing; for Tom,' meaning
+you, 'said to me in this very room, sitting in that very chair, that
+Alexander was his only brother.' I saw that Fenton resented your
+concealing the existence of your brother Henry from him, so I thought
+the most friendly thing I could do was to tell him that your reticence
+was doubtless due to the fact that Henry's private affairs were
+troubling you. Naturally, in the circumstances, you did not want to
+talk about Henry." I shook Scudamour by the hand, telling him that he
+had acted judiciously; but if I could have stabbed him quietly at that
+moment I dare say I should have done it. I did not see Scudamour again
+for a long time, for I took care to keep out of his way; but I heard
+first from him and then of him. One day he wrote to me saying that his
+nephew was going to Bombay, and would I be so good as to give the youth
+an introduction to my brother Henry? He also asked me to dine with him
+and his nephew. I declined the dinner, but I sent the nephew the
+required note of introduction to Henry. The next I heard of Scudamour
+was from Fenton. "By the way," said Fenton, "Scudamour is in Edinburgh
+at present." I trembled, for Edinburgh is where Alexander lives. "What
+has taken him there?" I asked, with assumed carelessness. Fenton
+believed it was business; "but," he added, "Scudamour asked me to tell
+you that he meant to call on Alexander, as he was anxious to see Henry's
+children." A few days afterwards I had a telegram from Alexander, who
+generally uses this means of communication when he corresponds with me.
+"Do you know a man Scudamour? reply," was what Alexander said. I thought
+of answering that we had met a man of that name when we were in Paris;
+but, on the whole, replied boldly: "Know no one of the name of
+Scudamour." About two months ago I passed Scudamour in Regent Street,
+and he did not recognise me. This I could have borne if there had been
+no more of Henry; but I knew that Scudamour was now telling everybody
+about Henry's wife. By-and-by I got a letter from an old friend of
+Alexander's, asking me if there was any truth in a report that Alexander
+was going to Bombay. Soon afterwards Alexander wrote to me to say that
+he had been told by several persons that I was going to Bombay. In
+short, I saw that the time had come for killing Henry. So I told Fenton
+that Henry had died of fever, deeply regretted; and asked him to be sure
+to tell Scudamour, who had always been interested in the deceased's
+welfare. The other day Fenton told me that he had communicated the sad
+intelligence to Scudamour. "How did he take it?" I asked. "Well," Fenton
+said, reluctantly, "he told me that when he was up in Edinburgh he did
+not get on well with Alexander; but he expressed great curiosity as to
+Henry's children." "Ah," I said, "the children were both drowned in the
+Forth; a sad affair--we can't bear to talk of it." I am not likely to
+see much of Scudamour again, nor is Alexander. Scudamour now goes about
+saying that Henry was the only one of us he really liked.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+A NIGHT WITH A STORK.
+
+W. E. WILCOX.
+
+
+Four individuals--namely, my wife, my infant son, my maid-of-all work,
+and myself--occupy one of a row of very small houses in the suburbs of
+London. I am a thoroughly domestic man, and notwithstanding that my
+occupation necessitates absence from my mansion between the hours of
+9 a.m. and 5 p.m., my heart is generally at home, with my diminutive
+household. My wife, and I, love regularity and quiet above all things;
+and although, since the arrival of my son, and heir, we had not enjoyed
+that peace which we did during the first year of our married life, yet
+his juvenile, though somewhat powerful, little lungs, had as yet failed
+in making ours a noisy house. Our regularity had, moreover, remained
+undisturbed, and we got up, went to bed, dined, breakfasted, and took
+tea at the same time, day after day.
+
+We had been going on in this clockwork fashion for a year and a half,
+when one morning the postman brought to our door a letter of ominous
+appearance, and on looking at the direction, I found that it came from
+an old, rich, and very eccentric uncle of mine, with whom, for certain
+reasons, we wished to remain on the best of terms. "What can uncle
+Martin have to write about?" was our simultaneous exclamation, and I
+opened it with considerable curiosity.
+
+                                "MARTIN HOUSE, HERTS, _Oct._ 17, 18--.
+
+  "DEAR NEPHEW,--
+
+  "You may perhaps have heard that I am forming an aviary here. A friend
+  in Rotterdam has written to me to say that he has sent by the boat,
+  which will arrive in London to-morrow afternoon, a very intelligent
+  parrot and a fine stork. As the vessel arrives too late for them to be
+  sent on the same night, I shall be obliged by your taking the birds
+  home, and forwarding them to me the next morning.--With my respects to
+  your good lady,
+
+    "I remain your affectionate uncle,
+      "RALPH MARTIN."
+
+I said nothing, but got a book on natural history, and turned to
+"Stork." With trembling fingers I passed over the fact of "his hind toe
+being short, the middle too long, and joined to the outer one by a large
+membrane, and by a smaller one to the inner toe," because that would not
+matter much for one night; but I groaned out to my wife the pleasant
+intelligence that "his height is four feet, his appetite extremely
+voracious," and "his food--frogs, mice, worms, snails, and eels." Where
+were we to provide a supper and breakfast of this description for him?
+
+I went to my office, and passed anything but a pleasant day, my thoughts
+constantly reverting to our expected visitors. At four o'clock I took a
+cab to the docks, and on arriving there, inquired for the ship, which
+was pointed out to me as "the one with the crowd upon the quay." On
+driving up, I discovered why there was a crowd, and the discovery did
+not bring comfort with it. On the deck, on one leg, stood the stork.
+Whether it was the sea-voyage, or the leaving his home, or, being a
+stork of high moral principle, he was grieving at the continual, and
+rather joyous and exulting swearing of the parrot, I do not know, but I
+never saw a more melancholy looking object in my life.
+
+I went down on the deck, and did not like the expression of relief that
+came over the captain's face when he found what I had come for. The
+transmission of the parrot from the ship to the cab was an easy matter,
+as he was in a cage, but the stork was merely tethered by one leg; and
+although he did his best, when brought to the foot of the ladder, in
+trying to get up, he failed utterly, and had to be half-shoved,
+half-hauled, all the way--which, as he got astride, after the manner of
+equestrians, on every other bar, was a work of some difficulty. I
+hurried him into the cab, and ordering the man to drive as quickly as
+possible, got in with my guests. At first, I had to keep dodging my head
+about, to keep my face away from his bill as he turned round; but all of
+a sudden he broke the little window at the back of the cab, thrust his
+head through, and would keep it there, notwithstanding I kept pulling
+him back. Consequently, when we drew up at my door, there was a mob of
+about a thousand strong around us. I got him in as well as I could, and
+shut the door.
+
+How can I describe the spending of that evening? how can I get
+sufficient power out of the English language to let you know what a
+nuisance that bird was to us? How can I tell you the cool manner in
+which he inspected our domestic arrangements?--walking slowly into
+rooms, and standing on one leg until his curiosity was satisfied; the
+expression of wretchedness that he threw over his entire person when he
+was tethered to the banisters, and had found out that, owing to our
+limited accommodation, he was to remain in the hall all night; the way
+in which he ate the snails specially provided for him, verifying to the
+letter the naturalist's description of his appetite. How can you, who
+have not had a stork staying with you, have any idea of the change which
+came over his temper after his supper--how he pecked at everybody who
+came near him; how he stood sentinel at the foot of the stairs; how my
+wife and I made fruitless attempts to get past, followed by ignominious
+retreats how; at last we outmanoeuvred him by throwing a table-cloth
+over his head, and then rushing by him, gaining the top of the stairs
+before he could disentangle himself.
+
+Added to all this, we had to endure language from that parrot which
+would have disgraced a pothouse; indeed, so scurrilous did he become,
+that we had to take him and lock him up in the coal-hole, where, from
+fatigue, or the darkness of his bedroom, he soon swore himself to sleep.
+
+We were quite ready for rest, and the forgetfulness which, we hoped,
+sleep, that "balm of hurt minds," would bring with it; but our peace was
+not to last long. About 2 a.m., I was awakened by my wife, and told to
+listen; I did so, and heard a sort of scrambling noise outside the door.
+"What can that be?" thought I. "He has broken his string, and is coming
+up stairs," said my wife; and then, remembering that the nursery door
+was generally left open, she urged my immediately stopping his further
+progress. "But, my dear," said I, "what am I to do in my present
+defenceless state of clothing, if he should take to pecking?" My wife's
+expression of the idea of my considering myself before the baby,
+determined me at once, come what might, to go and do him battle. Out I
+went, and sure enough there he was on the landing, resting himself,
+after his unusual exertion, by tucking one leg up. He looked so subdued,
+that I was about to take him by the string and lead him downstairs, when
+he drew back his head, and in less time than it takes to relate, I was
+back in my room, bleeding profusely from a very severe wound in my leg.
+I shouted out to the nurse to shut the door, and determined to let the
+infamous bird go where he liked. I bound up my leg and went to bed
+again; but the thought that there was a stork wandering about the house,
+prevented me from getting any more sleep. From certain sounds that we
+heard, we had little doubt but that he was passing some of his time in
+the cupboard where we kept our spare crockery, and an inspection the
+next day confirmed this.
+
+In the morning I ventured cautiously out, and finding he was in our
+spare bedroom, I shut the door upon him. I then went for a large sack,
+and with the help of the table-cloth, and the boy who cleans our shoes,
+we got him into it without any personal damage. I took him off in this
+way to the station, and sent him and the parrot off to my uncle by the
+first train.
+
+We have determined that, taking our chance about a place in my uncle's
+will or not, we will never again have anything to do with any foreign
+animals, however much he may ask and desire it.
+
+    (_By permission of_ MESSRS. W. & R. CHAMBERS.)
+
+
+
+
+THE FAITHFUL LOVERS.
+
+F. C. BURNAND.
+
+
+  I'd been away from her three years--about that--
+    And I returned to find my Mary true,
+  And though I'd question her, I did not doubt that
+    It was unnecessary so to do.
+
+  'Twas by the chimney corner we were sitting,
+    "Mary," said I, "have you been always true?"
+  "Frankly," says she, just pausing in her knitting,
+    "I _don't_ think I've unfaithful been to you;
+  But for the three years past I'll tell you what
+  I've done; then say if I've been true or not.
+
+  "When first you left, my grief was uncontrollable,
+    Alone I mourned my miserable lot,
+  And all who saw me thought me inconsolable,
+    Till Captain Clifford came from Aldershot;
+  To flirt with him amused me while 'twas new,
+  I don't count _that_ unfaithfulness. Do you?
+
+  "The next--oh! let me see--was Frankie Phipps,
+    I met him at my uncle's Christmas-tide;
+  And 'neath the mistletoe, where lips met lips,
+    He gave me his first kiss"--and here she sighed;
+  "We stayed six weeks at uncle's--how time flew!
+  I don't count _that_ unfaithfulness. Do you?
+
+  "Lord Cecil Fossmote, only twenty-one,
+    Lent me his horse. Oh, how we rode and raced!
+  We scoured the downs--we rode to hounds--such fun!
+    And often was his arm around my waist--
+  That was to lift me up or down. But who
+  Would count _that_ as unfaithfulness? Do you?
+
+  "Do you know Reggy Vere? Ah, how he sings!
+    We met--'twas at a picnic. Ah, such weather!
+  He gave me, look, the first of these two rings,
+    When we were lost in Cliefden Woods together.
+  Ah, what a happy time we spent, we two!
+  I don't count _that_ unfaithfulness to you.
+
+  "I've yet another ring from him. D'you see
+    The plain gold circlet that is shining here?"
+  I took her hand: "Oh, Mary! Can it be
+    That you"--Quoth she, "that I am Mrs. Vere.
+  I don't count _that_ unfaithfulness. Do you?"
+  "_No," I replied, "for I am married, too._"
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+THE WAIL OF A BANNER-BEARER.
+
+ARTHUR MATTHISON.
+
+
+Well, what if I am only a banner-bearer? There's bigger blokes than me
+what begun as "supes," an' see where they've got to? _Why don't I get
+there?_ Cause I ain't never had the chance. You just let me get a
+"speaking part" as suits me, that's all! Oh--it "_would be all_," eh?
+Why--but there! you're a baby in the purfession! you are! When you've
+been Capting of the Guard, and Third Noble, and a Bandit Keerousin, and
+First Hancient Bard, and Fourth in the Council of Ten what listens to
+Otheller, and the Mob in the Capitol, and a Harcher of Merry England,
+and a Peer of France, what doesn't speak, but has to look as if he could
+say a lot; when you've been all this you may talk! _I needn't be
+offended?_ All right, old pal; I ain't. Though I was 'urt when that
+utilerty cove said as I was only a banner-bearer. "Only!" Why I should
+like to know where they'd be without us--all them old spoutin' tragedy
+merchants! They'd have no armies, consequently they couldn't rave at
+'em, and lead 'em on to victory and things. They wouldn't 'ave no
+sennits, so they'd 'ave to cut out their potent, grave, and reverent
+seniors--an' that 'ud worry em. They wouldn't 'ave no hexited citizens,
+and so they couldn't bury old Ceser nor praise him neither. They
+couldn't strew no fields with no dead soldiers. They'd 'ave nobody to
+chivy 'em when they come to the throne, or returned from the wars. They
+couldn't 'ave no percessions; as for balls, and parties, and
+torneymongs, why, they couldn't give 'em. And where 'ud they often be
+without the "distant ollerings" behind the scenes, allus a-comin' nerer
+and louder. Why, I remember a 'eavy lead one night, as had insulted his
+army fearful, at rehearsal; he stops sudden, and thumps his breastplate,
+and says, "'Ark, that toomult!" when there warn't no more toomult than
+two flies 'ud make in a milk-jug. We jest cut off his toomult, and
+quered his pitch, in a minnit, for the laugh come in 'ot. We're just as
+much wanted as they are, make no error.
+
+Only a banner-bearer! "Only," be blow'd! Oh, don't you bother, I ain't
+getting waxy. I'm only a standin' up for my purfession. What do you say?
+_They could do without me in the modden drarmer?_ The modden drarmer, my
+boy, ain't actin'! It's nothing but "cuff-shootin'." You just has to
+stand against a mankel-shelf, with your hands in Poole's pockets, and
+say nothing elegantly. You don't want no chest-notes; you don't want no
+action; you don't want no exsitement; you don't want no lungs, no heart,
+and no brain; only lungs an' soda, heart an' potash, brain an' selzer.
+Everything's dilooted, my boy, for the modden drarmer; and the old
+school, an' the old kostumes 'ud bust the sides and roof too of the
+swell band-boxes, where they does the new school and the new kostumes.
+_P'r'aps I'm right?_ Of course I'm right; and I'm in earnest, too! Why,
+my boy, if they was to offer me an engagement as a "guest" in one of
+them cuff-shootin' plays, and ask me to go on in evening-dress, I'm
+blest if I wouldn't throw up the part. Trousers and white ties cramps
+me. I wants a suit o' mail an' a 'alberd; a toonic, and my legs free; a
+dagger in my teeth--not a tooth-pick; a battle-axe in my 'and--not a
+crutch. I likes to be led to victory, I does. I likes to storm castles,
+and trampel on the foe! I does. I likes to hang our banners on the
+outward walls, I does. I'm a born banner-bearer, I am, and I glories in
+it. No, my boy! none of your milk-and-water "guests," and such, for the
+likes of me! An' if I was the Lord Chamberlain, I'd perhibit the modden
+drarmer altogether. Them's my sentiments. If he don't perhibit it,
+actin' 'ull soon be modden'd out of existence; an' we shall 'ave Macbeth
+in a two guinea tourist suit, and Looy the Eleventh in nickerbockers, on
+a bisykel. It's the old banner-bearing school as got us all our big
+actors, an' it stands to reason, my boy; for a cove can't spred hisself
+in a frock coat and droring-room langwidge. They're both on 'em too tame
+for what I calls real actin'. What! you _have heard say as us
+banner-bearers don't act--was only machines_? Well, some on us don't,
+p'r'aps, but some on us does, and no mistake.
+
+You can't, as a rule, expect much feeling, much dignerty, much
+patriertism, or much simperthy for a shillin' a night. If they was all
+the real articles, they'd fetch a lot more than that; but there is
+gentlemen in my line as goes in for all four--reg'lar comes nateral to
+'em. Why, I've been that work'd on when I've seen Joan o'Hark goin' in a
+perisher at the stake, an' makin' that last dyin' speech and confession
+of hers, that I've felt a real 'art beat against my property
+breast-plate, and felt real tears a tricklin' down to my false beard.
+I've been so struck with admirashun for some Othellos, that when they've
+been a addressin' of me as the sennit, I've felt as dignerfied as if I'd
+been the Doag of Venice hisself, and I bet he looked it.
+
+As for patriertism, there isn't a man living as has died for his
+country--willing, mind you--as often as I have; and I've strewed many a
+bloody field of batel with a ernest corpse, I have. An' as far as
+regards simperthy, it's stood in my way, for I've been that upset by
+Queen Katherines and Prince Arthurs, and even old Shylock (for Grashyano
+does giv' 'im a doin'), and Ophelias, and other sufferin' parties, as
+I've often forgot my hexits and been fined a tanner; and if that ain't
+actin', I should like to know what is.
+
+It's all very well for them noospaper crickets to harry us, and say as
+we're a set o' this and a set o' the other, and that we ain't got no
+hideas. They wouldn't 'ave many hideas if they wasn't paid more than a
+shilling a night (with often twopence off to the hagent) for the use of
+'em; the article's as good as the price, an' no mistake. Some on us gets
+a bit more, and accordin' some on us gives a bit more; for there's first
+heavy lead, and setterer, among the supes, just as there is among the
+principles, don't make no error! _Have to do as the "stars" tell us?_
+Well, of course, we does, only if the stars don't treat us like gents,
+we knows how to queer their pitches: rather! Why, it ain't so very long
+since as I was a-playing a Roman Licktor in "Virginius," and when we was
+a rehearsin' of it, 'im as played Happyus Clordyus called me a "pig."
+"All right," says I, "aside" like, "I'll pig yer." Accordin', when night
+comes, and he makes an exit in the third act, and says--didn't he enjoy
+hisself with it--"And I shall surely see that they reseve it!" he chucks
+his toger over his right shoulder, and turns round as magestick as a
+beedle to walk off--well, some'ow, just then I drops my bundle of sticks
+("fusses," they call 'em), all accidentle like, and Happyus Clordyus,
+with his heyes in the hair, comes to grief, slap over 'em. He was the
+un-happyest Clordyus all through that play as ever you see. What did he
+call me a "pig" for, the idiot?
+
+"_Seem to be important, after all?_" Important! I should think we was!
+There couldn't be no big drarmers without us, no gallant warryers, no
+'owling mobs, no "Down with the tirants!" no briggands reposin', no
+'appy pezzants, and no stage picturs of any account, if it warn't for
+the supes and banner-bearers, as ought to be made more on and seen to a
+bit better than they is; for what says the old Shyley, in the play, 'im
+what old Phellups us'd to warm 'em up in? "What?" says he, "what! Hath
+not a supe eyes, 'ands, horgans, somethin' else, and passions? fed with
+the same food?--(no! Shakey, old man, he ain't!) Well, if you prick us,
+don't us bleed? if we larf, don't you tickle us? and if you wrong us,
+ain't we goin' to take it out of you, like I took it out o' Happyus
+Clordyus?" _How I do wag?_ Well, ain't it enough to make me? Don't let
+that 'ere utilerty cuff-shooter allood to me as "only a banner-bearer,"
+then! Let 'im, and all the others, treat us more respectful, and he and
+them too 'ull find a feeling 'art and good manners too, at even a
+shilling a night, though we could throw 'em in a lot; more of both for
+an extra bob.--Good night, old man.
+
+    (_By permission of_ MESSRS. ROUTLEDGE & SONS.)
+
+
+
+
+THE DREAM OF THE BILIOUS BEADLE.
+
+ARTHUR SHIRLEY.
+
+
+  'Twas in the grimy winter time, an evening cold and damp,
+  And four and twenty work'us boys, all of one ill-fed stamp,
+  Were blowing on blue finger tips, bent double with the cramp;
+  And when the skilly poured out fell into each urchin's pan
+  They swallowed it at such a pace as only boyhood can.
+  But the Beadle sat remote from all, a bilious-looking man--
+  His hat was off, red vest apart, to catch the evening breeze:
+  He thought that that might cool his brow; it only made him sneeze,
+  So pressed his side with his hand, and tried to seem as if at ease.
+
+  Heave after heave his waistcoat gave, to him was peace denied,
+  It tortured him to see them eat, he couldn't though he tried!
+  Good fare had made him much too fat, and rather goggle-eyed;
+  At length he started to his feet, some hurried steps he took,
+  Now up the ward, now down the ward, with wild dyspeptic look,
+  And lo! he saw a work'us boy, who read a penny book--
+  "You beastly brat! What is't you're at? I warrant 'tis no good!
+  What's this? 'The life of Turpin Bold!' or 'Death of Robin Hood'?"
+  "It's '_Hessays on the Crumpet_,' sir, as a harticle of food!"
+
+  He started from that boy as tho' in's ear he'd blown a trumpet,
+  His hand he pressed upon his chest, then with his fist did thump it,
+  And down he sat beside the brat and talked about The Crumpet.
+  How now and then that muffin men of whom tradition tells,
+  By pastry trade, fortunes had made, and come out awful swells,
+  While their old patrons suffered worse than Irving in "The Bells!"
+  "And well, I know," said he, "forsooth, for plenty have I bought,
+  The sufferings of foolish folk who eat more than they ought.
+
+  "With pepsine pills and liver pads is their consumption fraught,
+  Oh! oh! my boy, my pauper boy! Take my advice, 'tis best shun
+  All such tempting tasty things, tho' nice beyond all question,
+  Unless you wish like me to feel the pangs of indigestion!
+  One, who had ever made me long--a muffin man and old--
+  I watched into a public-house, he called for whisky cold,
+  And for one moment left his stock within green baize enrolled.
+  I crept up to them, thinking what an appetite I'd got,
+  I gloated o'er them lying there elastic and all hot;
+  I thought of butter laid on thick, and then I prigged the lot!
+
+  "I took them home, I toasted them, p'raps upwards of a score,
+  And never had so fine a feast on luscious fare before,
+  'And now,' I said, 'I'll go to bed, and dream of eating more.'
+  All night I lay uneasily, and rolled from side to side,
+  At first without one wink of sleep, no matter how I tried;
+  And then I dreamt I was a 'bus, and gurgled 'Full inside!'
+  I was a 'bus by nightmares drawn on to some giddy crest,
+  Now launched like lightning through the air, now stop'd and now
+        compressed;
+  I felt a million muffin men were seated on my chest!
+
+  "I heard their bells--their horrid bells--in sound as loud as trumpets,
+  Oh, curses on ye, spongy tribe! Ye cruffins and ye mumpets!
+  I must be mad! I mean to say ye muffins and ye crumpets!
+  Then came a chill like Wenham ice; then hot as hottest steam;
+  I could not move a single limb! I could not even scream!
+  You pauper brat, remember that all this was but a dream!"
+
+  The boy gazed on his troubled brow, from which big drops were oozing,
+  And for the moment all respect for his dread function losing,
+  Made this remark, "Well, blow me tight, our Beadle's been a-boozing!"
+  That very week, before the beak, they brought that beadle burly;
+  He pleaded guilty in a tone dyspeptically surly,
+  And he lives still at Pentonville with hair not long or curly!
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+MY FRIEND TREACLE.
+
+WATKIN-ELLIOTT.
+
+
+"So Charley is going to marry 'the most charming girl in the world'!" I
+ejaculated, after a hearty laugh over the following epistle from my old
+friend:--
+
+  "DEAR BOB,--
+
+  "I am going to do for myself in earnest; no humbug this time. 'For
+  better or for worse,' and if it turns out the latter it will be a
+  scrape no one can get me out of. Of course, you understand I am about
+  to marry, and I need not add _she_ is the most charming girl in the
+  world: fair, sky-blue eyes, silk-worm--I mean spun silk hair, lovely
+  in fact! Come and be my best man: do, old fellow! You have backed me
+  up lots of times before, and although we have lost sight of one
+  another since 'we were boys together,' that goes for nothing between
+  us--does it? Write by return, and say you will support me: I have a
+  dread that I shall marry the wrong girl, or allow some one else to
+  marry Lucy--that's _her_ name!--or do something unlucky, unless you
+  look after me.
+
+  "Yours, as ever,
+    "CHARLEY BOSTON.
+
+  "P.S.--It comes off in a fortnight."
+
+"'It,'--well that is vague enough, but I suppose he means the happy
+event. Ye gods and little fishes!--to call a marriage 'it'! but that is
+like Boston. And 'sure to do something unlucky,' are you? Well, I guess
+you are not the 'Treacle' of old unless you get into some quandary over
+it," I muttered; and then I threw myself back in my chair and laughed
+again as some of our adventures, when we were at Dr. Omega's school--I
+mean college--presented themselves to my mind.
+
+Glorious times those! looking back upon them now, although we did not
+value them, in our careless youth, at their full worth.
+
+Treacle's--_i.e._, Boston's--daring always led him to some adventure,
+and I always backed him up--in a feeble way, perhaps,--and we always got
+found out somehow, and got our deserts in a manner more satisfactory to
+lovers of justice than to ourselves. Stunning times!
+
+The very fact of our being punished for the same crime, and at the same
+time, was a bond of union between Treacle and myself.
+
+"One touch of sympathy," or one touch of the rod, made us kin in a
+manner very peculiar;--a fellow feeling made us wondrous kind and
+sympathetic.
+
+You talk of little dinners and little suppers in these days, and think
+them epicurean feasts!--but, be really hungry--hungry as a school-boy,
+and enjoy a little supper off kippered herring _on the sly_--that _is_ a
+feast, if you like. Such feasts as these we enjoyed at Mother Kemp's,
+down the village, when the Doctor, tutors, and monitors imagined us
+safely tucked in our little beds.
+
+Looking upon Mother Kemp, in those days, I thought her a good fairy
+disguised as a witch. Looking back upon her, with manhood's enlightened
+judgment, I think she was an unprincipled old woman, who traded on our
+weaknesses. I confess myself to have been a hungry boy,--Boston, with a
+penitence which did him credit, used to confess the same: we both had a
+propensity to come through our trouser-legs and sleeve-jackets, and,
+what was worse, could not help ourselves doing so.
+
+Boston was of an ingenious turn of mind, and it was he who suggested
+that those boys, who could afford to be hungry with any satisfaction to
+themselves, should club together for a supper at Mother Kemp's once
+a-week; and it was through one of these suppers, or the search for one,
+that he got his sweet sobriquet of "Treacle."
+
+He having made the suggestion, we elected him chief of our expeditions,
+and thus to a certain extent he held the fate of our appetites in his
+hands.
+
+One night we had escaped, as usual, by means of a rope-ladder made by
+Boston, from the window of the room of which I was senior boy, to Mother
+Kemp's in the village.
+
+Mother Kemp kept a general shop--that is to say, she retailed tallow,
+treacle, rope, bacon, herrings, soap, cottons, tops, balls, butter,
+sweets, and so forth; and she not only, as a rule, sold us a supper out
+of her heterogeneous store, but cooked it, if needs were, and served it
+for us in her back parlour--that is, _if we could_ pay ready cash down.
+
+This night of which I speak we could not. We had appealed to Madame
+Kemp's motherly heart for "trust," in vain, and we were returning home
+in a state of double the hunger to that in which we had started, on
+account of our hopes being unfulfilled, when Charlie Boston made a
+remark in a melancholy tone: it was--
+
+"I wonder if the pantry window is open."
+
+We eyed him askance and in silence.
+
+"And if," with a frown of determination on his brow, "there is
+_anything_ inside!"
+
+Then we knew we were "in" for something, be it to eat or feel, and
+followed him half in hope, half in fear.
+
+The window was open. Looking upon that casement from my point of view
+now, I decide it was an architectural folly, being no more than seven
+feet from the ground, and innocent of bars or protection of any kind,
+and moreover large enough for any one of moderate size to creep through.
+
+From our point of view, then, we thought it a very jolly contrivance.
+
+"Hurrah!" shouted Boston, _sotto voce_--in fact, very much _sotto
+voce_--"we will indeed sup at the doctor's expense to-night, bless
+him!--eh, boys?"
+
+Either to the supper or blessing we assented, joyfully; but when our
+chief asked who was for reconnoitring, the question was received in
+silence.
+
+"Suppose it is missed in the morning--I mean, _what we eat_," suggested
+some one, timidly.
+
+"Cats!" settled Boston with laconic contempt.
+
+"But cats don't eat cheese, and--"
+
+"Bah! cats eat _anything_, from mice to stewed-eels' feet. Who will
+follow if I lead?"
+
+"Couldn't you get in and hand something out?" asked another, coolly.
+
+"Wish you may get it. Travers, _you_ will follow, will you not?"
+
+"Yes," I replied, with a little inward shudder. "'Lead on, Macduff,
+and'--and, what you may call it, be him that first cries 'Hold,
+enough!'"
+
+"Old enough for what?" queried the wit of the party.
+
+"Look here, Jenkins, don't you be a fool; this is not the time for vile
+puns, or Shakspeare either," with a frown at me.
+
+"It will take a jolly long time for us all to get in one after the
+other," I ruminated upon this snub.
+
+"And a jollier long time to get out, if we want to, in a hurry,"
+suggested the timid one.
+
+"That is true," agreed the chief. "We will toss up, and 'odd man' goes
+in and hands out--eh?"
+
+Faint applause.
+
+But the idea was not carried out, because, upon reflection, we
+remembered Mother Kemp had our last coin.
+
+"Never mind," cried Boston, in his happy dare-all way. "I'll do it! Lend
+me a back, somebody, and keep a sharp look out, mind!"
+
+We lent him a back with alacrity, it being a cheap and easy loan, and he
+drew himself up.
+
+"I see a pie!" he cried, and the words revived us. "Supposing it is
+steak!"
+
+We supposed, and felt more hungry than ever.
+
+Then we watched him with increased interest, as he squeezed his body
+through the casement, paused a moment to recover breath, descended
+gradually and carefully, and--Heavens, what was that? There was a
+scuffle and a gasp. Was it the doctor?
+
+I think at this juncture my knees began to tremble; so I cannot describe
+what the other sounds in the pantry were--at least, not with any
+accuracy.
+
+"I say," began some one of our party--he was always doing that, saying
+"I say," and stopping short; a nasty habit, you know, for when one's
+nerves are unstrung it makes you anxious, not to say alarmed.
+
+"Old Omega!" whispered another in an awed tone.
+
+"Can't be; there's no talking."
+
+"No, because he's such an artful old fox; he thinks he'll catch us
+all!--Eh?"
+
+The "eh" was to one who thought he had "_better go and see if the ladder
+was there all right_."
+
+It ended in their all going for the same commendable purpose, and
+leaving me behind to look after Boston. I was very much inclined to
+follow them, I confess, but I liked my friend too much to leave him, so,
+having a regard for my own personal safety, I got behind a laurel and
+waited.
+
+"Silence there, and nothing more."
+
+_Could_ it be the doctor! Could the doctor keep his anger so long
+bottled up--even to catch the rest of us--without bursting?
+
+I thought not: he would have had a fit by this time.
+
+In those days I remember revolving in my mind the advantage I would gain
+if Dr. Omega did have a fit and died. It was very horrible of me, of
+course, but then I was a boy, and as I looked at the doctor's purple
+visage--_was_ it coloured by the liquid et cetera?--I decided that if he
+were removed, no matter how, I might have a jolly holiday until another
+authority was placed over me, or I placed under another authority.
+
+O, it was wicked of me, I know, _terribly_ wicked!--but true. Mais
+revenons ą Boston. If it is not the doctor in there with him, it may be
+the cook, I revolved behind the bushes. The cook ought to be in bed, by
+this time--so ought I: I was not, that was a certainty, perhaps the cook
+was not; if not--why it was very wrong of her not to be, I concluded
+virtuously.
+
+The moments passed, and still no sound from the pantry of voices. _Had_
+Charley fallen down in a fit instead of the doctor? I crept from my
+hiding place and essayed a faint whistle, recognised by us all as a
+call.
+
+No answer.
+
+"Boston!" I ejaculated, feeling sure now that the doctor could not
+possibly be there.
+
+Then, as I watched the casement, as anxiously as any lover could that of
+his mistress, I saw something appear at it: by the light of the moon it
+looked _black_ and _shiny_. If the shock had not deprived me of motion I
+should have fled. I could not flee, so I stood bravely to my post and
+shook like a jelly.
+
+What was it? I felt like Hamlet when he saw the ghost of his father; but
+I did not apostrophize it--I knew better,--at least I had not
+sufficient choice Shakespearian language at my tongue's end to do so
+becomingly.
+
+"Travers?"
+
+"Angels and ministers"--my name in Boston's voice. In a moment the
+roaring in my ears ceased, and my muscles gained strength.
+
+"Is that _you_, Charley?" I asked, sensibly enough.
+
+"Phew!"
+
+"Why--why, hang it, Boston, what's up--eh?"
+
+"'Up!'--all over me--choking me--Treacle!" gasped my friend, creeping
+through the window, with difficulty, as he spoke, and losing his
+balance, as he reached the ground, he fell against me, stuck to me,
+disengaged himself, and finally stood upright.
+
+"Treacle!" I ejaculated with a roar, which even though the doctor might
+have heard I could not suppress, as Charley began clearing out his eyes
+and mouth with his already sticky fists.
+
+"Yes, _treacle_," crossly. "You needn't laugh like that, Bob, and make
+such a confounded fool of yourself," he growled. "I stumbled, somehow,
+and fell face forward into a pan of it. Don't make such a row, Travers!"
+as I continued my cachination and held my aching sides, "I might have
+been smothered for all _you_ would have cared. By Jove! smothered in
+treacle! Why a butt of Malmsey would be a natural death in comparison."
+
+"The treacle we have for our puddings and with our brimstone?" I gasped
+at last.
+
+"Yes." Here the ludicrous aspect of affairs struck the martyr, and he
+joined me in my merriment.
+
+"I didn't know where I was going until I was in it," he continued. "Ugh!
+I shall hate treacle like poison for the rest of my life! Where are the
+other fellows?"
+
+"Sneaked away; thought Omega had caught you."
+
+"Cowards!"
+
+At this moment a low whistle, a danger signal, from the boys just
+denounced, caused us to hurry from the spot, and reaching the rope
+ladder, we were up it like cats, gaining our room just in time to find
+that, by the light shining under the door, some one was on the alert.
+
+"Get under my bed!" I whispered to Charley, as his escape to his own
+room was cut off.
+
+In his hurry and confusion, he got _into_ it. I had no time to demur,
+and jumped in after him, just as the doctor, suspicious and austere,
+entered, candlestick in hand.
+
+"Noise in number three: senior boy, report."
+
+I, senior boy, reported, and replied by a nasal demonstration which I
+flattered myself was a very good imitation of a sound snore.
+
+"Robert Travers!" in a voice which might, almost, have awakened the
+dead.
+
+"Sir," replied I--Robert--as sleepily as I could.
+
+"Somebody walking about this room, and talking."
+
+If brevity is the soul of wit, then old Omega was the wittiest fellow I
+ever came across,--although he never _looked_ it.
+
+He always spoke sharply and to the point, and gave us our due in the
+same manner.
+
+Now, as he jerked his sentence out, he approached nearer. Charley, like
+a certain big bird, seemed to fancy that, because his own face was
+hidden and he could see no one, it followed that no one could see him;
+whereas, half his head was exposed to view.
+
+I sat up in bed, hurriedly giving my companion a vicious kick of
+caution, as I explained to the doctor that "little Simpson walked and
+talked in his sleep;" at which "little Simpson," in a corner of the
+room, groaned audibly.
+
+"Simpson, junior, what do you mean by walking in your sleep, sir?"
+
+Simpson groaned again, and the doctor, thinking he was snoring,
+continued,--
+
+"He eats too much; must diet him. A dose of brimstone and treacle (I
+felt Boston jump) in the morning will do him good--cooling. Remind me,
+Travers. By the way, sir, how comes it you are awake?"
+
+"Please, sir, you woke me--awakened me, sir," I stammered.
+
+"Hem," doubtfully. "Whom have you in bed with you--eh?" as Boston,
+rendered uncomfortable by his sticky face, had moved.
+
+"With _me_, sir?" I murmured, vaguely.
+
+"Yes, sir, with you. Come out, whoever it is!" roared Omega, without
+further parley.
+
+But Boston remained still as a mouse.
+
+Struck dumb with anger and astonishment, that a boy should have the
+impudence to stop in when _he_ ordered him to come out, the doctor
+strode round to Charley's side, and laid hands on the miscreant to have
+him out by force; but, no sooner had he felt the viscous state of our
+hero, than he withdrew them precipitately, with the pious ejaculation,--
+
+"Good heavens! What is the matter with him!"
+
+"Necessitas non habet legem."
+
+I, being senior boy, had to report. I did so, tremblingly, and imitated
+the doctor in my brevity.
+
+"Matter, sir--treacle, sir."
+
+"Treacle!" in a voice of concentrated thunder, if you know what that is
+like.
+
+"His mother sent him a pot of treacle, sir, and he--and he thought it
+was pomatum, sir, and--and----" my imaginative powers fell before the
+lightning of the doctor's glance.
+
+"_Whose_ mother?"
+
+"Boston's, sir."
+
+"Boston, come out!"
+
+And Boston, after some little delay caused in having to detach himself
+from surroundings, came forth like a lamb--I mean, like a black sheep.
+
+"What the dev----!"
+
+But I draw a curtain over the rest; the doctor was profane, and he hurt
+my feelings _very much_.
+
+Poor old Treacle! The name stuck to him ever after.
+
+Well, I went to his wedding, and with the exception that at the critical
+part of the ceremony he dropped the ring, which, after we had all
+scrambled on our knees for, was found in the bride's veil, he went
+through the "happiest day of his life" without a mistake.
+
+As for myself, in searching for that ring, I knocked my head against
+Treacle's sister's, and it upset me. A thrill went through me, which was
+most painfully pleasant. At the breakfast-table I became sentimental; in
+making my speech for the ladies, I caught her--Treacle's sister's--eye,
+she smiled, and I lost the thread of my discourse. It was a very slender
+thread, and I never found it again until, one day, I was wandering round
+somebody's garden with my arm round Treacle's sister's waist, and,--but
+that doesn't matter! She is a jolly little thing, though--Treacle's
+sister is.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+THE VOICE OF THE SLUGGARD.
+
+ANONYMOUS.
+
+
+  Have you brought my boots, Jemima? Leave them at my chamber door.
+  Does the water boil, Jemima? Place it also on the floor.
+  Eight o'clock already, is it? How's the weather--pretty fine?
+  Eight is tolerably early; I can get away by nine.
+  Still I feel a little sleepy, though I came to bed at one.
+  Put the bacon on, Jemima; see the eggs are nicely done!
+  I'll be down in twenty minutes--or, if possible, in less;
+  I shall not be long, Jemima, when I once begin to dress.
+  She is gone, the brisk Jemima; she is gone, and little thinks
+  How the sluggard yearns to capture yet another forty winks,
+  Since the bard is human only--not an early village cock--
+  Why should he salute the morning at the hour of eight o'clock?
+  Stifled be the voice of Duty; Prudence, prythee, cease to chide,
+  While I turn me softly, gently, round upon my other side.
+  Sleep, resume thy downy empire; reassert thy sable reign!
+  Morpheus, why desert a fellow? Bring those poppies here again!
+  What's the matter, now, Jemima? Nine o'clock? It cannot be!
+  Hast prepared the eggs, the bacon, and the matutinal tea?
+  Take away the jug, Jemima, go, replenish it anon;
+  Since the charm of its caloric must be very nearly gone.
+  She has left me. Let me linger till she reappears again,
+  Let my lazy thoughts meander in a free and easy vein.
+  After Sleep's profoundest solace, nought refreshes like the doze.
+  Should I tumble off, no matter; she will wake me, I suppose.
+  Bless me, is it you, Jemima? Mercy on us, what a knock?
+  Can it be--I can't believe it--actually ten o'clock?
+  I will out of bed and shave me. Fetch me warmer water up!
+  Let the tea be strong, Jemima, I shall only want a cup!
+  Stop a minute! I remember some appointment by the way,
+  'Twould have brought me mints of money; 'twas for ten o'clock to-day.
+  Let me drown my disappointment, Slumber, in thy seventh heaven!
+  You may go away, Jemima. Come and call me at eleven!
+
+    (_From the "Leeds Mercury."_)
+
+
+
+
+ARTEMUS WARD'S VISIT TO THE TOWER OF LONDON.
+
+CH. FARRAR BROWNE.
+
+
+I skurcely need inform you that the Tower is very pop'lar with pe'ple
+from the agricultooral districks, and it was chiefly them class which I
+found waitin' at the gates the other mornin'.
+
+I saw at once that the Tower was established on a firm basis. In the
+entire history of firm basises, I don't find a basis more firmer than
+this one.
+
+"You have no Tower in America?" said a man in the crowd, who had somehow
+detected my denomination.
+
+"Alars! no," I ansered; "we boste of our enterprise and improovements,
+and yit we are devoid of a Tower. America, oh my onhappy country! thou
+hast not got no Tower! It's a sweet Boon."
+
+The gates were opened after a while, and we all purchist tickets, and
+went into a waitin' room.
+
+"My frens," said a pale-faced little man, in black close, "that is a sad
+day."
+
+"Inasmuch as to how?" I said.
+
+"I mean it is sad to think that so many peple have been killed within
+these gloomy walls. My frens, let us drop a tear."
+
+"No!" I said, "you must excuse me. Others may drop one if they feel like
+it; but as for me, I decline. The early managers of this institootion
+were a bad lot, and their crimes were trooly orful; but I can't sob for
+those who died four or five hundred years ago. If they was my own
+relations I couldn't. It's absurd to shed sobs over things which occurd
+during the rain of Henry the Three. Let us be cheerful," I continnered.
+"Look at the festiv Warders, in their red flannel jackets. They are
+cheerful, and why should it not be thusly with us?"
+
+A Warder now took us in charge, and showed us the Trater's Gate, the
+armers, and things. The Trater's Gate is wide enuff to admit about
+twenty traters abrest, I should jedge; but beyond this, I couldn't see
+that it was superior to gates in gen'ral.
+
+Traters, I will here remark, are an onforchunit class of pe'ple. If they
+wasn't, they wouldn't be traters. They conspire to bust up a
+country--they fail, and they're traters. They bust her, and they become
+statesmen and heroes.
+
+Take the case of Gloster, afterwards Old Dick the Three, who may be seen
+at the Tower on horseback, in a heavy tin overcoat--take Mr. Gloster's
+case. Mr. G. was a conspirator of the basist dye, and if he'd failed, he
+would have been hung on a sour apple tree. But Mr. G. succeeded and
+became great. He was slewed by Col. Richmond, but he lives in history,
+and his equestrian figger may be seen daily for a sixpence, in
+conjunction with other em'nent persons, and no extra charge for the
+Warder's able and bootiful lectur.
+
+There's one King in this room who is mounted onto a foaming steed, his
+right hand graspin a barber's pole. I didn't learn his name.
+
+The room where the daggers and pistils and other weppins is kept is
+interestin. Among this collection of choice cutlery I notist the bow and
+arrer which those hot-heded old chaps used to conduct battles with. It
+is quite like the bow and arrer used at this date by certain tribes of
+American Injuns, and they shoot 'em off with such an excellent precision
+that I almost sigh'd to be an Injun when I was in the Rocky Mountain
+regin. They are a pleasant lot, them Injuns. Mr. Cooper and Dr. Catlin
+have told us of the red man's wonderful eloquence, and I found it so.
+Our party was stopt on the plains of Utah by a band of Shoshones, whose
+chief said:--
+
+"Brothers! the pale-face is welcome. Brothers! the sun is sinking in the
+west, and Wa-na-bucky-she will soon cease speakin. Brothers! the poor
+red man belongs to a race which is fast becomin extink."
+
+He then whooped in a shrill manner, stole our blankets, and whisky, and
+fled to the primeval forest to conceal his emotions.
+
+I will remark here, while on the subjeck of Injuns, that they are in the
+main a very shaky set, with even less sense than the Fenians; and when I
+hear philanthropists bewailin the fack that every year "carries the
+noble red man nearer the settin sun," I simply have to say I'm glad of
+it, tho' it is rough on the settin sun. They call you by the sweet name
+of Brother one minit, and the next they scalp you with their
+Thomas-hawks. But I wander. Let us return to the Tower.
+
+At one end of the room where the weppins is kept, is a wax figger of
+Queen Elizabeth, mounted on a fiery stuffed hoss, whose glass eye
+flashes with pride, and whose red morocker nostril dilates hawtily, as
+if, conscious of the royal burden he bears. I have associated Elizabeth
+with the Spanish Armady. She's mixed up with it at the Surrey Theatre,
+where _Troo to the Core_ is bein acted, and in which a full bally core
+is introjooced on board the Spanish Admiral's ship, givin' the audiens
+the idea that he intends openin a moosic-hall in Plymouth the moment he
+conkers that town. But a very interestin drammer is _Troo to the Core_,
+notwithstandin the eccentric conduct of the Spanish Admiral; and very
+nice it is in Queen Elizabeth to make Martin Truegold a baronet.
+
+The Warder shows us some instrooments of tortur, such as thumbscrews,
+throat collars, etc., statin' that these was conkered from the Spanish
+Armady, and addin what a crooil peple the Spaniards was in them
+days--which elissited from a bright-eyed little girl of about twelve
+summers the remark that she tho't it was rich to talk about the crooilty
+of the Spaniards usin thumbscrews, when he was in a tower where so many
+poor peple's heads had been cut off. This made the Warder stammer and
+turn red.
+
+I was so pleased with the little girl's brightness that I could have
+kissed the dear child, and I would if she'd been six years older.
+
+I think my companions intended makin a day of it, for they all had
+sandwiches, sassiges, etc. The sad-lookin man, who had wanted us to drop
+a tear afore we started to go round, fling'd such quantities of sassige
+into his mouth that I expected to see him choke hisself to death; he
+said to me, in the Beauchamp Tower, where the poor prisoners writ their
+onhappy names on the cold walls, "This is a sad sight."
+
+"It is indeed," I ansered. "You're black in the face. You shouldn't eat
+sassige in public without some rehearsals beforehand. You manage it
+orkwardly."
+
+"No," he said, "I mean this sad room."
+
+Indeed, he was quite right. Tho' so long ago all these drefful things
+happened, I was very glad to git away from this gloomy room, and go
+where the rich and sparklin Crown Jewils is kept. I was so pleased with
+the Queen's Crown, that it occurd to me what a agree'ble surprise it
+would be to send a sim'lar one home to my wife; and I asked the Warder
+what was the vally of a good well-constructed Crown like that. He told
+me, but on cypherin up with a pencil the amount of funs I have in the
+Jint Stock Bank, I conclooded I'd send her a genteel silver watch
+instid.
+
+And so I left the Tower. It is a solid and commandin edifis, but I deny
+that it is cheerful. I bid it adoo without a pang.
+
+    (_From_ "PUNCH," _by permission of the Proprietors_.)
+
+
+
+
+MR. CAUDLE HAS LENT AN ACQUAINTANCE THE FAMILY UMBRELLA.
+
+DOUGLAS JERROLD.
+
+
+"That's the third umbrella gone since Christmas. _What were you to do?_
+Why let him go home in the rain, to be sure. I'm very certain there was
+nothing about _him_ that could spoil. Take cold, indeed! He doesn't look
+like one of the sort to take cold. Besides, he'd have better taken cold
+than take our only umbrella. Do you hear the rain, Mr. Caudle? I say, do
+you hear the rain? And as I'm alive, if it isn't St. Swithin's day! Do
+you hear it, against the windows? Nonsense; you don't impose upon me.
+You can't be asleep with such a shower as that! Do you hear it, I say?
+Oh, you _do_ hear it! Well, that's a pretty flood, I think, to last for
+six weeks; and no stirring all the time out of the house. Pooh! don't
+think me a fool, Mr. Caudle. Don't insult _me_. _He_ return the
+umbrella! Anybody would think you were born yesterday. As if anybody
+ever _did_ return an umbrella! There--do you hear it? Worse and worse?
+Cats and dogs, and for six weeks--always six weeks. And no umbrella!
+
+"I should like to know how the children are to go to school to-morrow?
+They shan't go through such weather, I'm determined. No: they shall
+stop at home and never learn anything--the blessed creatures!--sooner
+than go and get wet. And when they grow up, I wonder who they'll have to
+thank for knowing nothing--who, indeed, but their father? People who
+can't feel for their own children ought never to be fathers.
+
+"But I know why you lent the umbrella. Oh, yes; I know very well. I was
+going out to tea at dear mother's to-morrow--you knew that; and you did
+it on purpose. Don't tell me; you hate me to go there, and take every
+mean advantage to hinder me. But don't you think it, Mr. Caudle. No,
+sir; if it comes down in buckets-full, I'll go all the more. No: and I
+won't have a cab, where do you think the money's to come from? You've
+got nice high notions at that club of yours. A cab, indeed! Cost me
+sixteen-pence at least--sixteen pence! two and sixpence, for there's
+back again. Cabs, indeed! I should like to know who's to pay for 'em; I
+can't pay for 'em; and I'm sure you can't, if you go on as you do;
+throwing away your property, and beggaring your children--buying
+umbrellas!
+
+"Do you hear the rain, Mr. Caudle? I say, do you hear it? But I don't
+care--I'll go to mother's to-morrow, I will; and what's more, I'll walk
+every step of the way--and you know that will give me my death. Don't
+call me a foolish woman, it's you that's the foolish man. You know I
+can't wear clogs; and with no umbrella, the wet's sure to give me a
+cold--it always does. But what do you care for that? Nothing at all. I
+may be laid up for what you care, as I dare say I shall--and a pretty
+doctor's bill there'll be. I hope there will! It will teach you to lend
+your umbrellas again. I shouldn't wonder if I caught my death; yes; and
+that's what you lent the umbrella for. Of course!
+
+"Nice clothes I shall get too, trapesing through weather like this. My
+gown and bonnet will be spoilt quite. _Needn't I wear 'em, then?_
+Indeed, Mr. Caudle, I _shall_ wear 'em. No, sir, I'm not going out a
+dowdy to please you or anybody else. Gracious knows! it isn't often that
+I step over the threshold; indeed, I might as well be a slave at
+once,--better, I should say. But when I do go out, Mr. Caudle, I choose
+to go like a lady. Oh! that rain--if it isn't enough to break in the
+windows.
+
+"Ugh! I do look forward with dread for to-morrow! How I am to go to
+mother's I'm sure I can't tell. But if I die, I'll do it. No, sir; I
+won't borrow an umbrella. No; and you shan't buy one. Now, Mr. Caudle,
+only listen to this; if you bring home another umbrella, I'll throw it
+in the street. I'll have my own umbrella, or none at all.
+
+"Ha! and it was only last week I had a new nozzle put to that umbrella.
+I'm sure, if I'd have known as much as I do now, it might have gone
+without one for me. Paying for new nozzles, for other people to laugh at
+you. Oh, it's all very well for you--you can go to sleep. You've no
+thought of your poor patient wife, and your own dear children. You think
+of nothing but lending umbrellas.
+
+"Men, indeed!--call themselves lords of the creation!--pretty lords,
+when they can't even take care of an umbrella.
+
+"I know that walk to-morrow will be the death of me. But that's what you
+want--then you may go to your club, and do as you like--and then, nicely
+my poor dear children will be used--but then, sir, then you'll be happy.
+Oh, don't tell me! I know you will. Else you'd never have lent the
+umbrella!
+
+"You have to go on Thursday about that summons; and, of course, you
+can't go. No, indeed, you _don't_ go without the umbrella. You may lose
+the debt for what I care--it won't be so much as spoiling your
+clothes--better lose it: people deserve to lose debts who lend
+umbrellas!
+
+"And I should like to know how I'm to go to mother's without the
+umbrella? Oh, don't tell me that I said I would go--that's nothing to do
+with it; nothing at all. She'll think I'm neglecting her, and the little
+money we were to have, we shan't have at all--because we've no umbrella.
+
+"The children, too! Dear things! They'll be sopping wet: for they shan't
+stop at home--they shan't lose their learning; it's all their father
+will leave 'em, I'm sure. But they _shall_ go to school. Don't tell me I
+said they shouldn't: you are so aggravating, Caudle; you'd spoil the
+temper of an angel. They _shall_ go to school; mark that. And if they
+get their deaths of cold, it's not my fault--I didn't lend the
+umbrella!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"At length," writes Caudle, "I fell asleep; and dreamt that the sky was
+turned into green calico, with whalebone ribs; that, in fact, the whole
+world turned round under a tremendous umbrella!"
+
+    (_By permission of_ MESSRS. BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO.)
+
+
+
+
+DOMESTIC ASIDES.
+
+TOM HOOD.
+
+
+  "I really take it very kind,
+    This visit, Mrs. Skinner,
+  I have not seen you such an age--
+    (The wretch has come to dinner!)
+
+  "Your daughters, too, what loves of girls--
+    What heads for painters' easels!
+  Come here, and kiss the infant, dears--
+    (And give it, p'raps, the measles!)
+
+  "Your charming boys I see are home
+    From Reverend Mr. Russell's;
+  'Twas very kind to bring them both--
+    (What boots for my new Brussels!)
+
+  "What! little Clara left at home?
+    Well now, I call that shabby:
+  I should have loved to kiss her so--
+    (A flabby, dabby, babby!)
+
+  "And Mr. S., I hope he's well,
+    Ah! though he lives so handy,
+  He never drops in now to sup--
+    (The better for our brandy!)
+
+  "Come, take a seat--I long to hear
+    About Matilda's marriage;
+  You've come, of course, to spend the day!
+    (Thank heaven, I hear the carriage!)
+
+  "What! must you go? Next time I hope
+    You'll give me longer measure;
+  Nay--I shall see you down the stairs--
+    (With most uncommon pleasure!)
+
+  "Good-bye! good-bye! remember all,
+    Next time you'll take your dinners!
+  (Now, David, mind I'm not at home
+    In future to the Skinners!")
+
+    (_By permission of_ MESSRS. WARD, LOCK, & CO.)
+
+
+
+
+THE CHARITY DINNER.
+
+LITCHFIELD MOSELEY.
+
+
+TIME: half-past six o'clock. Place: The London Tavern. Occasion:
+Fifteenth Annual Festival of the Society for the Distribution of
+Blankets and Top-Boots among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands.
+
+On entering the room, we find more than two hundred noblemen, and
+gentlemen already assembled; and the number is increasing every minute.
+There are many well-known city diners here this evening. That very
+ordinary looking personage, with the rubicund complexion and pimply
+features, is old Moneypenny, senior partner of the great firm of
+Moneypenny, Blodgers, and Wobbles, corn factors of Mark Lane. He began
+the world as a fellowship porter, and always makes a rule of attending
+the principal dinners at the London Tavern, "because," as he says
+confidentially, to Wobbles, "don't you see, my boy, it's a very cheap
+way of getting into society." He is talking now to Sir Sandy McHaggis, a
+Scotch baronet, with a slender purse and a large appetite, with whom he
+has scraped an acquaintance, and presented with a spare ticket for the
+festival; knowing that the Scotchman is "varra fond o' a gude dinner,
+specially when it costs a mon nothing at all." The preparations are now
+complete, and we are in readiness to receive the chairman. After a short
+pause, a little door at the end of the room opens, and the great man
+appears, attended by an admiring circle of stewards and toadies,
+carrying white wands, like a parcel of charity-school boys bent on
+beating the bounds. He advances smilingly to his post at the principal
+table, amid deafening and long-continued cheers.
+
+He is a very popular man, this chairman; for is he not the Earl of
+Mount-Stuart, late one of Her Majesty's Cabinet Ministers? and his
+wealth and party influence are known to be enormous.
+
+The dinner now makes its appearance, and we yield up ourselves to the
+enjoyments of eating and drinking. These important duties finished, and
+grace having been beautifully sung by the vocalists, the real business
+of the evening commences. The usual loyal toasts having been given, the
+noble chairman rises, and, after passing his fingers through his hair,
+he places his thumbs in the armholes of his waistcoat, gives a short
+preparatory cough, accompanied by a vacant stare round the room, and
+commences as follows:--
+
+  "MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN--It is with mingled pleasure and regret that I
+  appear before you this evening: of pleasure, to find that this
+  excellent and world-wide-known society is in so promising a
+  condition; and, of regret, that you have not chosen a worthier
+  chairman; in fact, one who is more capable than myself of dealing with
+  a subject of such vital importance as this. (Loud cheers). But,
+  although I may be unworthy of the honour, I am proud to state that I
+  have been a subscriber to this society from its commencement; feeling
+  sure that nothing can tend more to the advancement of civilization,
+  social reform, fireside comfort, and domestic economy among the
+  cannibals, than the diffusion of blankets and top-boots. (Tremendous
+  cheering, which lasts for several minutes.) Here, in this England of
+  ours, which is an island surrounded by water, as I suppose you all
+  know--or, as our great poet so truthfully and beautifully expresses
+  the same fact, 'England bound in by the triumphant sea'--what, down
+  the long vista of years, have conduced more to our successes in arms,
+  and arts and song, than blankets? Indeed, I never gaze upon a blanket
+  without my thoughts reverting fondly to the days of my early
+  childhood. Where should we all have been now but for those warm and
+  fleecy coverings? My Lords and Gentlemen! Our first and tender
+  memories are all associated with blankets: blankets when in our
+  nurses' arms, blankets in our cradles, blankets in our cribs, blankets
+  to our French bedsteads in our schooldays, and blankets to our marital
+  four-posters now. Therefore, I say, it becomes our bounden duty as
+  men,--and, with feelings of pride, I add, as Englishmen--to initiate
+  the untutored savage, the wild and somewhat uncultivated denizen of
+  the prairie, into the comfort and warmth of blankets; and to supply
+  him, as far as practicable, with those reasonable, seasonable,
+  luxurious, and useful appendages. At such a moment as this, the lines
+  of another poet strike familiarly upon the ears. Let me see, they are
+  something like this--
+
+    "Blankets have charms to soothe the savage breast,
+    And to--to, do--a----"
+
+  I forget the rest. (Loud cheers.) Do we grudge our money for such a
+  purpose? I answer, fearlessly, No! Could we spend it better at home? I
+  reply most emphatically, No! True, it may be said that there are
+  thousands of our own people who at this moment are wandering about the
+  streets of this great metropolis without food to eat or rags to cover
+  them. But what have we to do with them? Our thoughts, our feelings,
+  and our sympathies, are all wafted on the wings of charity to the dear
+  and interesting cannibals in the far-off islands of the green Pacific
+  Ocean. (Hear, hear.) Besides, have not our own poor the workhouses to
+  go to; the luxurious straw of the casual wards to repose upon, if they
+  please; the mutton broth to bathe in; and the ever toothsome, although
+  somewhat scanty, allowance of 'toke' provided for them? And let it
+  ever be remembered that our own people are not savages, and
+  man-eaters; and, therefore, our philanthropy would be wasted upon
+  them. (Overwhelming applause.) To return to our subject. Perhaps some
+  person or persons here may wonder why we should not send out
+  side-springs and bluchers, as well as top-boots. To those I will say,
+  that top-boots alone answer the object desired--namely, not only to
+  keep the feet dry, but the legs warm, and thus to combine the double
+  use of shoes and stockings. Is it not an instance of the remarkable
+  foresight of this society, that it purposely abstains from sending out
+  any other than top-boots? To show the gratitude of the cannibals for
+  the benefits conferred upon them, I will just mention that, within the
+  last few weeks, his Illustrious Majesty, Hokee Pokey Wankey Fum the
+  First, surnamed by his loving subjects, 'The Magnificent,' from the
+  fact of his wearing, on Sundays, a shirt-collar and an eye-glass as
+  full court costume--has forwarded the president of this society a very
+  handsome present, consisting of two live alligators, a boa
+  constrictor, and three pots of preserved Indian, to be eaten with
+  toast; and I am told, by competent judges, that it is quite equal to
+  Russian caviare.
+
+  "MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN--I will not trespass on your patience by
+  making any further remarks; knowing how incompetent I am--no, no! I
+  don't mean that--how incompetent you all are--no! I don't mean
+  either--but you all know what I mean. Like the ancient Roman lawgiver,
+  I am in a peculiar position; for the fact is, I cannot sit down--I
+  mean to say, that I cannot sit down without saying that, if there ever
+  _was_ an institution, it is _this_ institution; and therefore, I beg
+  to propose, 'Prosperity to the Society for the Distribution of
+  Blankets and Top-boots among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands.'"
+
+The toast having been cordially responded to, his lordship calls upon
+Mr. Duffer, the secretary, to read the report. Whereupon that gentlemen,
+who is of a bland and oily temperament, and whose eyes are concealed by
+a pair of green spectacles, produces the necessary document, and reads,
+in the orthodox manner,--
+
+  "Thirtieth Half-yearly Report of the Society for the Distribution of
+  Blankets and Top-boots to the Natives of the Cannibal Islands.
+
+  "The society having now reached its fifteenth anniversary, the
+  committee of management beg to congratulate their friends and
+  subscribers on the success that has been attained.
+
+  "When the society first commenced its labours, the generous and
+  noble-minded natives of the islands, together with their king--a chief
+  whose name is well known in connexion with one of the most stirring
+  and heroic ballads of this country--attired themselves in the light
+  but somewhat insufficient costume of their tribe--viz., little before,
+  nothing behind, and no sleeves, with the occasional addition of a pair
+  of spectacles; but now, thanks to this useful association, the upper
+  classes of the cannibals seldom appear in public without their bodies
+  being enveloped in blankets and their feet encased in top-boots.
+
+  "When the latter useful articles were first introduced into the
+  islands, the society's agents had a vast amount of trouble to prevail
+  upon the natives to apply them to their proper purposes; and, in their
+  work of civilization, no less than twenty of its representatives were
+  massacred, roasted, and eaten. But we persevered; we overcame the
+  natural antipathy of the cannibals to wear any covering to their feet;
+  until after a time, the natives discovered the warmth and utility of
+  boots; and now they can scarcely be induced to remove them until they
+  fall off through old age.
+
+  "During the past half year, the society has distributed no less than
+  71 blankets and 128 pairs of top-boots; and your committee, therefore,
+  feel convinced that they will not be accused of inaction. But a great
+  work is still before them; and they earnestly invite co-operation, in
+  order that they may be enabled to supply the whole of the cannibals
+  with these comfortable, nutritious, and savoury articles.
+
+  "As the balance-sheet is rather a lengthy document, I will merely
+  quote a few of the figures for your satisfaction. We have received,
+  during the half-year, in subscriptions, donations, and legacies, the
+  sum of £5,403 6_s._ 8¾_d._ Rent, rates, and taxes, £305 10_s._
+  0¼_d._ Seventy-one pairs of blankets, at 20_s._ per pair, have
+  taken £71 exactly; and 128 pairs of tops-boots, at 21_s._ per pair,
+  cost us £134 some odd shillings. The salaries and expenses of
+  management amount to £1,307 4_s._ 2½_d._; and sundries, which
+  include committee meetings and travelling expenses, have absorbed the
+  remainder of the sum, and amount to £3,268 9_s._ 1¾_d._ So that we
+  have expended on the dear and interesting cannibals the sum of £205,
+  and the remainder of the sum--amounting to £5,198--has been devoted to
+  the working expenses of the society."
+
+The reading concluded, the secretary resumes his seat amid heavy
+applause, which continues until Mr. Alderman Gobbleton rises, and, in a
+somewhat lengthy and discursive speech--in which the phrases, "the
+Corporation of the City of London," "suit and service," "ancient guild,"
+"liberties and privileges," and "Court of Common Council," figure
+frequently, states that he agrees with everything the noble chairman has
+said; and has, moreover, never listened to a more comprehensive and
+exhaustive document than the one just read; which is calculated to
+satisfy even the most obtuse and hard-headed of individuals.
+
+Gobbleton is a great man in the City. He has either been Lord Mayor, or
+sheriff, or something of the sort; and, as a few words of his go a long
+way with his friends and admirers, his remarks are very favourably
+received.
+
+"Clever man, Gobbleton!" says a common councilman, sitting near us, to
+his neighbour, a languid swell of the period.
+
+"Ya-as, vewy! Wemarkable style of owatowy--and gweat fluency," replies
+the other.
+
+But attention, if you please!--for M. Hector de Longuebeau, the great
+French writer, is on his legs. He is staying in England for a short
+time, to become acquainted with our manners and customs.
+
+  "MILORS AND GENTLEMANS!" commences the Frenchman, elevating his
+  eyebrows, and shrugging his shoulders. "Milors and Gentlemans--You
+  excellent chairman, M. le Baron de Mount-Stuart, he have say to me,
+  'Make de toast.' Den I say to him dat I have no toast to us; but he
+  nudge my elbow ver soft, and say dat dere is von toast dat nobody but
+  von Frenchman can make proper; and, derefore, wid you kind permission,
+  I will make de toast. 'De breveté is de sole of de feet,' as you great
+  philosopher, Dr. Johnson, do say, in dat amusing little work of his,
+  de Pronouncing Dictionnaire; and derefore, I vill not say ver moch to
+  de point. Ven I vas a boy, about so moch tall, and used for to
+  promenade de streets of Marseilles et of Rouen, vid no feet to put
+  onto my shoe, I nevare to have exposé dat dis day vould to have
+  arrivé. I vas to begin de vorld as von garēon--or, vat you call in dis
+  countrie, von vaitaire in a café--vere I vork ver hard, vid no
+  habillemens at all to put onto myself, and ver little food to eat,
+  excep' von old bleu blouse vat vas give to me by de proprietaire, just
+  for to keep myself fit to be showed at, but, tank goodness, tings dey
+  have changé ver moch for me since dat time, and I have rose myself,
+  seulement par mon industrie et perseverance. (Loud cheers.) Ah! mes
+  amis! ven I hear to myself de flowing speech, de oration magnifique of
+  you Lor' Maire, Monsieur Gobbledown, I feel dat it is von great
+  privilige for von étranger to sit at de same table, and to eat de same
+  food, as that grand, dat majestique man, who are de terreur of de
+  voleurs and de brigands of de metropolis; and who is also, I for to
+  supposé, a halterman and de chef of you common scoundrel. Milors and
+  gentlemans, I feel dat I can perspire to no greatare honneur dan to be
+  von common scoundrelman myself; but hélas! dat plaisir are not for me,
+  as I are not freeman of your great cité, not von liveryman servant of
+  von of you compagnies joint-stock. But I must not forget de toast.
+  Milors and Gentlemans! De immortal Shakespeare he have write, 'De ting
+  of beauty are de joy for nevermore.' It is de ladies who are de toast.
+  Vat is more entrancing dan de charmante smile, de soft voice, de
+  vinking eye of de beautiful lady? It is de ladies who do sweeten de
+  cares of life. It is de ladies who are de guiding stars of our
+  existence. It is de ladies who do cheer but not inebriate; and,
+  derefore, vid all homage to dere sex, de toast dat I have to propose
+  is, 'De Ladies! God bless dem all!'"
+
+And the little Frenchman sits down amid a perfect tempest of cheers.
+
+A few more toasts are given, the list of subscriptions is read, a vote
+of thanks is passed to the noble chairman; and the Fifteenth Annual
+Festival of the Society for the Distribution of Blankets and Top-boots
+among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands is at an end.
+
+    (_Copyright of_ MESSRS. F. WARNE & CO.)
+
+
+
+
+ACTING WITH A VENGEANCE.
+
+W. SAPTE, JUN.
+
+
+  Methinks 'tis a very remarkable "sign
+  Of the times"--I must own this expression's not mine--
+              How in these latter days
+              The theatrical craze
+  Has obtained such a hold on all grades of society;
+              And this love of the stage
+              Is a mark of the age
+  Which is not in accord with _my_ views of propriety.
+
+  'Twas only last week a young lady I know
+  Invited the world in a body to go
+              (On a wretched wet day)
+              To a dull _matinée_,
+  When she made her _débūt_ in the "Hunchback," as Julia;
+              A part which to act is
+              A thing of long practice,
+  Surely ne'er was conceit more absurd or unrulier.
+
+  How can amateur actors commence at the top
+  Of the Thespian Tree, and avoid coming flop?
+              It would seem very queer
+              If a young volunteer
+  Should begin by commanding the Royal Horse Artillery,
+              Or if babies should bilk
+              Their allowance of milk
+  And insist upon sucking from bottles of Sillery.
+              So it mostly occurs
+              That an amateur errs,
+  And gets chaffed for possessing less skill than audacity,
+              When he tackles a part
+              Without learning the art,
+  And exposes his natural want of capacity--
+  And what is more painful, his lack of sagacity.
+
+              I'm bound to admit
+              I was rather once bit
+  By the mania myself in a mild sort of way;
+              Paid a half-guinea fee
+              To the Zeus A.D.C.,
+  And found myself cast for a part in a play.
+  I think 'twas the Bandit Brothers of Brighton--
+              Or Eastbourne, or Yarmouth--
+              Or Hastings, or Barmouth--
+  I forget for the moment which place was the right 'un--
+              But I know there's a chief,
+              Who at last comes to grief,
+  After numerous blood-curdling adventures and rescues,
+  Such as frequently writers in modern burlesque use.
+
+              Now the part of the chief
+              Who comes to grief
+  Was secured by a hot-tempered youth, named O'Keefe;
+              In spite of the jealousy
+              Of two other fellows, he
+  Cast himself as the leader, without hesitation,
+  And resented remarks with extreme indignation.
+              So the others were fain
+              Their rage to contain,
+  And one e'en accepted the part which was reckoned
+  To be, on the whole, the one that ranked second.
+
+  The local Town Hall was engaged, which would hold
+  Some three hundred people--the tickets were sold--
+  The purchasers wishing to help the good charity
+              We played for; some adding
+              Donations, and gladding
+  The treasurer's heart to a state of hilarity.
+              Rehearsals galore
+              Were to take place before
+  The _débūt_ on the boards of the Zeus A.D.C.--
+  For the members were earnest as earnest could be.
+              Well, the opening one
+              Was rather good fun,
+  For we found that the practice of vigorous fighting
+  'Twixt Bandits and Coastguards was rather exciting;
+              But later, you know
+              It got rather slow
+  For those who were "supers" to constantly go
+  And lay the same victims perpetually low,
+  With time after time the identical blow.
+
+              But Mr. O'Keefe,
+              Who played the chief,
+  Had a time less monotonous, greatly, than ours,
+  And always kept up the rehearsals for hours.
+              Still he wasn't quite happy,
+              And often got snappy,
+  For Richard McEwen, who'd wanted to play
+  The part of the chief, and used often to say
+  He'd have done it himself in a much better way,
+  Was by no means contented, thus feeling superior
+  To play "seconds" to Keefe, his decided inferior.
+
+              So he did what he could
+              To annoy the great K.,
+              And misunderstood,
+              In a scandalous way,
+  All the stage-manager's proper directions,
+  And refused to accept either hints or corrections.
+
+  Now in the third act, the time being night,
+  The scene on the beach, there's a hand-to-hand fight
+              'Twixt the Bandit chief
+              (That's Mr. O'Keefe)
+  And the coastguard captain, Mr. McEwen,
+              In which 'tis agreed
+              That the first shall succeed,
+  While the latter comes in for no end of a hewing.
+
+  But Richard McEwen was strong and quick,
+  And a very good hand with the single-stick,
+              And he didn't see why
+              He should quietly die
+  By the sword of a man, much less clever at fencing.
+              So he _would_ give a twist
+              Of his muscular wrist,
+  Which disarmed the brave Bandit soon after commencing.
+
+              The rage of O'Keefe
+              Exceeded belief,
+  For McEwen _would_ do it at ev'ry rehearsal;
+              The manager vowed
+              It could not be allowed,
+  And the company's protests became universal.
+
+              McEwen explained
+              That he thought the piece gained
+  By his showing his skill--how could anyone doubt it?
+              "There's more credit," said he,
+              "To the chief than there'd be
+  If he killed a weak chap who knew nothing about it."
+  And he went on to say that O'Keefe wasn't fit
+  For the part of the chief, and could not fence a bit.
+              O'Keefe in reply,
+              Gave McEwen the lie,
+              And vowed he would kick him
+              Or otherwise "lick" him,
+  While his eyes flashed like those of a tiger or leopard. He
+              Induced us to think
+              That his rival must shrink
+  From placing himself in such obvious jeopardy.
+
+  He did so--and afterwards things all went smoothly,
+  While O'Keefe played his part in a manner quite Booth-ly,
+  Or, as somebody said, without meaning to gush,
+  He'd have put Henry Irving himself to the blush.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  As soon as the public performance drew nigh
+  The local excitement ran awfully high,
+              For reports had been spread
+              (By the club, be it said)
+  That something uncommonly good was expected,
+              And so on the day
+              We turned people away
+  From the doors, where quite early a crowd had collected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Well, the overture over, the drama began,
+  But, thanks to our casual property man,
+              The rise of the curtain
+              Was somewhat uncertain.
+  In fact, for five minutes or so the thing _stuck_--
+              Which was terrible luck!
+              And affected the play,
+              At least, so I should say,
+  For the opening act went decidedly tamely,
+  Though O'Keefe and his bandits stuck to it most gamely.
+              There was not much applause,
+              Which perhaps was because
+  Our audience was certainly very genteel,
+  And thought it was rude folks should show what they feel;
+              Still, we should have preferred
+              Some "bravos!" to have heard.
+  And two or three gentlemen seemingly napping,
+  We thought might have better employed themselves clapping.
+
+              If first act went badly
+                The second quite dragged;
+              The actors worked sadly,
+                All interest flagged.
+  And though very often we caught people laughing,
+  The occasions they chose made us think they were chaffing.
+
+  Next came act the third, in which the O'Keefe
+  Was to be very great as the terrible chief,
+              For in it he killed
+              His rival, and spilled
+  The gore of the coastguards all over the coast,
+              And eloped with a bride,
+              Who beheld him with pride
+  Though she could herself of a coronet boast.
+              As a matter of fact
+              We hoped that this act
+  Would redeem in a measure the ones that preceded,
+              And it opened so well,
+              And O'Keefe looked so swell,
+  That at last we obtained the encouragement needed.
+              And then came the fight.
+              No one thought, on that night,
+  That McEwen would dare try his vile _tour de force_;
+              And the battle began
+              On the well-rehearsed plan,
+  While the supers made ready to bear off his corse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Whatever induced him to do it? Who knows?
+  He says 'twas an accident. Well, I suppose,
+              When a man tells you that,
+              A denial too flat
+  Might perhaps lead to arguments, even to blows.
+              But, be that as it may,
+              The O'Keefe _couldn't_ slay
+              His opponent, whose wrist
+              All at once gave a twist,
+  And the brave bandit's weapon went flying away!
+  The supers stood spellbound, as over the stage
+  Strode the maddened O'Keefe; in a frenzy of rage
+  He picked up his sword, and then went for his foe
+              In terrible earnest.
+              Oh, that was the sternest,
+              Most truculent fight
+              Ever fought in the sight
+  Of innocent people, who shouted "Bravo!"
+  Little knowing how soon the real blood was to flow.
+
+              Thank Heaven, the swords
+              Were as blunt as two boards!
+  Otherwise the result would have been simply frightful.
+              As it was, every whack
+              Make the deuce of a crack,
+  While the audience considered it clearly delightful.
+              With th' applause at its height,
+              This most bloodthirsty fight,
+  By a blow from the skilful McEwen was ended.
+              O'Keefe fell as if dead,
+              With a gash on his head;
+  The supers rushed forward, the curtain descended.
+
+              Talk about clapping!
+              And walking-stick rapping!
+  While even the gentlemen formerly napping,
+              "Bravoed" themselves hoarse
+              With the whole of their force,
+  And made their fat palms quite tender with slapping.
+  "O'Keefe! and McEwen!" was shouted by all,
+  Why the deuce don't they come and acknowledge the call?
+              Then some people said
+              "That blow on the head--
+  Was it part of the play?--or"--ah, see, in the hall
+  A youth--he's a member, as that ribbon shows--
+  See! to Doctor Pomander he stealthily goes--
+              To the doctor, who sat
+              With his coat and his hat
+  Just under his seat, that he need not delay
+  If a patient should send to fetch him away;
+  But who never expected to find _in_ the hall
+  A patient--and much less a bandit--at all!
+
+              Anxiety now
+              Takes the place of the row,
+              And people talk low
+              And ask "Shall they go?"
+  When before the dropped curtain there comes with a bow
+              The stage-manager suave,
+              With a countenance grave,
+  To announce that although there's nought serious the matter,
+              (Here applause and some chatter)
+              Still, in the late fight
+              The _wrong_ man beat the _right_,
+  And that therefore the show was at end for the night.
+
+              Thus the bandit chief
+              Came duly to grief,
+  Though not in the way that the author intended,
+              And as for his head
+              Ere he went home to bed,
+  The doctor had seen that 'twas properly mended.
+  This, friends, was the end of the drama for me,
+  And for most, I believe, of the Zeus A.D.C.,
+              Whose need of success
+              May indeed have been less
+  Than that usually obtained by such clubs and societies;
+              But be that as it may,
+              I have e'er from that day
+  Placed amateur acting among th' improprieties.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+MY FORTNIGHT AT WRETCHEDVILLE.
+
+GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA.
+
+
+How I came to be acquainted with Wretchedville was in this wise. I was
+in quest last autumn of a nice quiet place within a convenient distance
+of town, where I could finish an epic poem--or stay, was it a five-act
+drama?--on which I had been long engaged, and where I could be secure
+from the annoyance of organ-grinders, and of reverend gentlemen leaving
+little subscription books one day and calling for them the next. I pined
+for a place where one could be very snug, and where one's friends didn't
+drop in "just to look you up, old fellow," and where the post didn't
+come in too often. So I picked up a bag of needments, and availing
+myself of a mid-day train on the Great Domdaniel Railway, alighted
+haphazard at a station.
+
+It turned out to be Sobbington. I saw at a glance that Sobbington was
+too fashionable, not to say stuck-up for me. The waltz from "Faust" was
+pianofortetically audible from at least half-a-dozen semi-detached
+windows; and this, combined with some painful variations on "Take,
+then, the sabre," and a cursory glance into a stationer's shop and fancy
+warehouse, where two stern mammas of low-church aspect were purchasing
+the back numbers of "The New Pugwell Square Pulpit," and three young
+ladies were telegraphically inquiring, behind their parents' backs, of
+the young person at the counter whether any letters had been left for
+them, sufficed to accelerate my departure from Sobbington. The next
+station on the road, I was told, was Doleful Hill, and then came
+Deadwood Junction. I thought I would take a little walk, and see what
+the open and what the covert yielded.
+
+I left my bag with a moody porter at the Sobbington Station, and trudged
+along the road which had been indicated to me as leading to Doleful
+Hill. It is true that I had not the remotest idea of where I was going
+to live. I walked onwards and onwards, admiring the field cows in the
+far-off pastures--cows the white specks on whose hides recurred so
+artistically that one might have thought the scenic arrangement of the
+landscape had been entrusted to Mr. Birket Foster. Anon I saw coming
+towards me, a butcher-boy in his cart, drawn by a fast trotting pony. I
+asked him when he neared me, how far it might be to Doleful Hill.
+
+"Good two mile," quoth the butcher-boy, pulling up. "But you'll have to
+pass Wretchedville first. Lays in a 'ole a little to the left, 'arf a
+mile on."
+
+"Wretchedville," thought I; what an odd name! "What sort of a place is
+it?" I inquired.
+
+"Well," replied the butcher-boy; "it's a lively place, a werry lively
+place. I should say it was lively enough to make a cricket burst himself
+for spite: it's so uncommon lively." And with this enigmatical
+deliverance the butcher-boy relapsed into a whistle of the utmost
+shrillness, and rattled away towards Sobbington.
+
+I wish that it had not been quite so golden an afternoon. A little
+dulness, a few clouds in the sky, might have acted as a caveat against
+Wretchedville. But I plodded on and on, finding all things looking
+beautiful in that autumn glow, until at last I found myself descending
+the declivitous road into Wretchedville and to destruction.
+
+"Were there any apartments to let?" Of course there were. The very first
+house I came to was, as regards the parlour-window, nearly blocked up by
+a placard treating of "Apartments Furnished." Am I right in describing
+it as the parlour-window? I scarcely know; for the front door, with
+which it was on a level, was approached by such a very steep flight of
+steps, that when you stood on the topmost grade, it seemed as though,
+with a very slight effort, you could have peeped in at the bed-room
+window, or touched one of the chimney-pots; while as concerns the
+basement, the front kitchen--I beg pardon, the breakfast
+parlour--appeared to be a good way above the level of the street.
+
+The space in the first-floor window not occupied by the placard, was
+filled by a monstrous group of wax fruit, the lemons as big as pumpkins,
+and the leaves of an unnaturally vivid green. The window below--it was a
+single-windowed front--served merely as a frame for the half-length
+portrait of a lady in a cap, ringlets, and a colossal cameo brooch. The
+eyes of this portrait were fixed upon me; and before almost I had lifted
+a very small light knocker, decorated, so far as I could make out, with
+the cast-iron effigy of a desponding ape, and had struck this against a
+door, which to judge from the amount of percussion produced, was
+composed of Bristol board highly varnished, the portal itself flew open
+and the portrait of the basement appeared in the flesh; indeed, it was
+the same portrait. Downstairs it had been Mrs. Primpris looking out into
+the Wretchedville Road for lodgers. Upstairs it was Mrs. Primpris
+letting her lodgings and glorying in the act.
+
+She didn't ask for any references. She didn't hasten to inform me that
+there were no children or any other lodgers. She didn't look doubtful
+when I told her that the whole of my luggage consisted of a black bag
+which I had left at the Sobbington Station. She seemed rather pleased
+with the idea of the bag, and said that her Alfred should step round for
+it. She didn't object to smoking; and she at once invested me with the
+Order of the Latchkey--a latchkey at Wretchedville, ha! ha! She further
+held me with her glittering eye, and I listened like a two-years' child
+while she let me the lodgings for a fortnight certain.
+
+She had converted me into a single gentleman lodger of quiet and retired
+habits--or was I a widower of independent means seeking a home in a
+cheerful family?--so suddenly that I beheld all things as in a dream.
+Thinking, perchance, that the first stone of that monumental edifice,
+the bill, could not be laid too quickly, she immediately provided me
+with tea. There was a little cottage-loaf, so hard, round, shiny, and
+compact, that I experienced a well-nigh uncontrollable desire to fling
+it up to the ceiling to ascertain whether it would chip off any portion
+of a preposterous rosette in stucco in the centre, representing a
+sunflower surrounded by cabbage-leaves. This terrible ornament was, by
+the way, one of the chief sources of my misery at Wretchedville: I was
+continually apprehensive that it would tumble down bodily on the table.
+In addition to the cottage-loaf there was a pretentious tea-pot, which,
+had it been of sterling silver, would have been worth fifty guineas, but
+which in its ghastly gleaming, said plainly, "Sheffield" and
+"imposture." There was a piece of butter in a "shape" like a diminutive
+haystack, and with a cow sprawling on the top in unctuous plasticity. It
+was a pallid kind of butter, from which with difficulty you shaved off
+adipocerous scales, which would not be persuaded to adhere to the bread,
+but flew off at tangents and went rolling about an intolerably large
+tea-tray on whose papier-māché surface was depicted the death of Captain
+Hedley Vicars. The Crimean sky was inlaid with mother-of-pearl, and the
+gallant captain's face was highly enriched with blue and crimson
+foil-paper.
+
+As for the tea, I don't think I ever tasted such a peculiar mixture. Did
+you ever sip warm catsup sweetened with borax? _That_ might have been
+something like it. And what was that sediment, strongly resembling the
+sand at Great Yarmouth, at the bottom of the cup? I sat down to my meal,
+however, and made as much play with the cottage-loaf as I could. Had the
+loaf been varnished? It smelt and looked as though it had undergone that
+process. Everything in the house smelt of varnish. I was uncomfortably
+conscious, too, during my repast--one side of the room being all
+window--that I was performing the part of a "Portrait of the Gentleman
+on the first floor," and that, as such, I was "sitting" to Mrs. Lucknow
+at Number Twelve opposite--I knew her name was Lucknow, for a brass
+plate on the door said so--whose own half-length effigy was visible in
+her own breakfast-parlour window glowering at me reproachfully because I
+had not taken her first floor, in the window of which was, not a group
+of wax fruit, but a sham alabaster vase full of artificial flowers.
+Every window in Wretchedville exhibited one or other of these ornaments,
+and it was from their contemplation that I began to understand how it
+was that the "fancy goods" trade in the Minories and Houndsditch throve
+so well. They made things there to be purchased by the housekeepers of
+Wretchedville.
+
+The shades of evening fell, and Mrs. Primpris brought me in a monstrous
+paraffin-lamp, the flame of which wouldn't do anything but lick the
+chimney-glass till it smoked it to the proper hue to observe eclipses
+by, and then splutter into extinction and charnel-like odour. After that
+we tried a couple of composites (six to the pound) in green glass
+candlesticks. I asked Mrs. Primpris if she could send me up a book to
+read, and she favoured me, _per_ Alfred and Selina, with her whole
+library, consisting of the Asylum Press Almanack for 1860; two odd
+volumes of the Calcutta Directory; the Brewer and Distiller's Assistant;
+Julia de Crespigny, or a Winter in London; Dunoyer's French Idioms; and
+the Reverend Mr. Huntingdon's Bank of Faith.
+
+I took out my cigar-case after this and began to smoke; and then I heard
+Mrs. Primpris coughing and a number of doors being thrown wide open.
+Upon this I concluded that I would go to bed. My sleeping apartment--the
+first-floor back--was a perfect cube. One side was a window overlooking
+a strip of clay-soil hemmed in between brick walls. There were no
+tombstones yet, but if it wasn't a cemetery, why, when I opened the
+window to get rid of the odour of the varnish, did it smell like one?
+The opposite side of the cube was composed of a chest of drawers. I am
+not impertinently curious by nature, but as I was the first-floor
+lodger, bethought myself entitled to open the top long drawer with a
+view to the bestowal of the contents of my black bag. The drawer was not
+empty; but that which it held made me feel very nervous. I suppose the
+weird figure I saw stretched out there with pink arms and legs sprouting
+from a shroud of silver paper, a quantity of ghastly auburn curls, and
+two blue glass eyes unnaturally gleaming in the midst of a mask of
+salmon-coloured wax, was Selina's best doll; the present perhaps of her
+uncle, who was, haply, a Calcutta director, or an Asylum Press Almanack
+maker, or a brewer and distiller, or a cashier in the Bank of Faith. I
+shut the drawer again hurriedly, and that doll in its silver paper
+cerecloth haunted me all night.
+
+The third side of my bedroom consisted of chimney--the coldest, hardest,
+brightest-looking fire-place I ever saw out of Hampton Court Palace
+guardroom. The fourth side was door. I forget into which corner was
+hitched a wash-hand stand. The ceiling was mainly stucco rosette, of the
+pattern of the one in my sitting-room. Among the crazes which came over
+me at this time, was one to the effect that this bedroom was a cabin on
+board ship, and that if the ship should happen to lurch or roll in the
+trough of the sea, I must infallibly tumble out of the door or the
+window, or into the drawer where the doll was--unless the drawer and the
+doll came out to me--or up the chimney. I think that I murmured
+"Steady!" as I clomb into bed.
+
+My couch--an "Arabian" one, Mrs. Primpris said proudly--seemingly
+consisted of the Logan, or celebrated rocking-stone of Cornwall, loosely
+covered with bleached canvas, under which was certain loose foreign
+matter, but whether composed of flocculi of wool or of the halves of
+kidney potatoes I am not in a position to state. At all events I awoke
+in the morning veined all over like a scagliola column. I never knew,
+too, before, that any blankets were manufactured in Yorkshire, or
+elsewhere, so remarkably small and thin as the two seeming flannel
+pocket-handkerchiefs with blue-and-crimson edging, which formed part of
+Mrs. Primpris's Arabian bed-furniture. Nor had I hitherto been aware, as
+I was when I lay with that window at my feet, that the moon was so very
+large. The orb of night seemed to tumble on me flat, until I felt as
+though I were lying in a cold frying-pan. It was a "watery moon," I have
+reason to think; for when I awoke the next morning, much battered with
+visionary conflicts with the doll, I found that it was raining cats and
+dogs.
+
+"The rain," the poet tells us, "it raineth every day." It rained most
+prosaically all that day at Wretchedville, and the next, and from Monday
+morning till Saturday night, and then until the middle of the next week!
+Dear me! dear me! how wretched I was! I hasten to declare that I have no
+kind of complaint to make against Mrs. Primpris. Not a flea was felt in
+her house. The cleanliness of the villa was so scrupulous as to be
+distressing. It smelt of soap and scrubbing-brush like a Refuge. Mrs.
+Primpris was strictly honest, even to the extent of inquiring what I
+would like to have done with the fat of cold mutton-chops, and sending
+me up antediluvian crusts, the remnants of last week's cottage-loaves,
+with which I would play moodily at knock-'em-downs, using the
+pepper-caster as a pin. I have nothing to say against Alfred's fondness
+for art. India-rubber to be sure, is apter to smear than to obliterate
+drawings in chalk; but a three-penny piece is not much; and you cannot
+too early encourage the imitative faculties. And again, if Selina did
+require correction, I am not prepared to deny that a shoe may be the
+best implement and the blade bones the most fitting portion of the human
+anatomy for such an exercitation.
+
+I merely say that I was wretched at Wretchedville, and that Mrs.
+Primpris's apartments very much aggravated my misery. The usual
+objections taken to a lodging-house are to the effect that the furniture
+is dingy, the cooking execrable, the servant a slattern, and the
+landlady either a crocodile or a tigress. Now my indictment against my
+Wretchedville apartments simply amounts to this: that everything was too
+new. Never were there such staring paper-hangings, such gaudily printed
+druggets for carpets, such blazing hearthrugs--one representing the dog
+of Montargis seizing the murderer of the Forest of Bondy--such gleaming
+fire-irons, and such remarkably shiny looking-glasses with gilt halters
+for frames. The crockery was new, and the glue on the chairs and tables
+was scarcely dry. The new veneer peeled off the new chiffonier. The
+roller-blinds to the windows were so new that they wouldn't work. The
+new stair-carpeting used to dazzle my eyes so, that I was always
+tripping myself up; the new oil-cloth in the hall smelt like the Trinity
+House repository for new buoys; and Mrs. Primpris was always full
+dressed by nine o'clock in the morning. She confessed once or twice
+during my stay that her house was not quite "seasoned." It was not even
+seasoned to sound. Every time the kitchen-fire was poked you heard the
+sound in the sitting-room. As to perfumes, whenever the lid of the
+copper in the wash-house was raised, the first-floor lodger was aware of
+the fact. I knew by the simple evidence of my olfactory organs what Mrs.
+Primpris had for dinner every day. Pork, accompanied by some green
+esculent, boiled, predominated.
+
+When my fortnight's tenancy had expired--I never went outside the house
+until I left it for good--and my epic poem, or whatever it was, had more
+or less been completed, I returned to London, and had a rare bilious
+attack. The doctor said it was painter's colic; I said at the time it
+was disappointed ambition, for the booksellers had looked very coldly on
+my poetical proposals, and the managers to a man had refused to read my
+play; but at this present writing I believe the sole cause of my malady
+to have been Wretchedville. I hope they will pull down the villas and
+build the jail there soon, and that the rascal convicts will be as
+wretched as I was.
+
+    (_From_ "UNDER THE SUN," _by permission of_ MESSRS. VIZETELLY & CO.)
+
+
+
+
+THE SORROWS OF WERTHER.
+
+W. M. THACKERAY.
+
+
+  Werther had a love for Charlotte
+    Such as words could never utter;
+  Would you know how first he met her
+    She was cutting bread and butter.
+
+  Charlotte was a married lady,
+    And a moral man was Werther,
+  And for all the wealth of Indies
+    Would do nothing for to hurt her.
+
+  So he sighed, and pined, and ogled,
+    And his passion boiled, and bubbled,
+  Till he blew his silly brains out,
+    And no more was by it troubled.
+
+  Charlotte having seen his body
+    Borne before her on a shutter,
+  Like a well-conducted person,
+    Went on cutting bread and butter.
+
+
+
+
+MORAL MUSIC.
+
+(BY AN EXPERIMENTER.)
+
+
+I am in a humble sphere of life--a hairdresser's assistant, in fact; but
+I have a thirst for improving my mind, and regularly attend the evening
+classes at our institute. It was there I read in a magazine about morals
+and music. The writer discussed the question whether music by itself,
+unpolluted by words, had any "mental significance or moral power." I
+left off reading, rather puzzled, but I am of a practical turn of mind.
+I joined our bricklaying class at the institute last term, and, although
+I nip my fingers a good deal, still it has made me inclined to put all
+new truths to the test of experiment. So I determined to experiment on
+myself, and see what mental significance and moral power music
+possessed, if any. I regulated my life very carefully during the trial,
+so that no outside influence should spoil the result. I weighed and
+measured out my food and drink, abstained from pickles and sensation
+literature, denied myself the exciting pleasure of Jemima's company on
+Thursday and Sunday, and, to counterbalance the language of some of our
+ruder customers, and to give morals an even chance, I slept with a tract
+under my pillow. I started with a quite unprejudiced mind, for the
+attention I had paid to music before was mostly measured by the loudness
+of it. I took a seat at St. James's Hall in good time, and opened my
+mind and morals for impressions. First of all, a man came on the
+platform and began, as far as I could see, to tune the piano. I thought
+he ought to have done this before the advertised time of opening, but
+when he got off the stool, the people all began to applaud him, and on
+inquiring, I found that the man I had taken for the tuner was really the
+giver of the concert, and that he had been playing one of his own
+compositions. So I lost this experiment altogether. However, soon after
+the player returned with a violinist, and they started a duet. I set my
+teeth. If there was any significance or moral in a violin and piano
+mixed, I determined to have it. I had first fleeting visions before my
+mind of all the creatures I had ever seen in pain. There was the squeak
+of a rat caught in a trap; there was the same sort of shriek Jemima gave
+when I took her to have a tooth out; and there was the loud wail which
+accompanies the conversion of pig into pork. But this was only the first
+chapter. The players stopped, and began again; and the next chapter
+plunged me among the industrial arts. Under the influence of the magic
+instruments I saw the foundation of England's greatness. There was an
+athletic carpenter industriously sawing wood. There was a grindstone
+putting an edge on an axe. There were a number of whirrs, which brought
+back vividly a loom I had seen at work at an exhibition, and there was a
+rather asthmatic smith striking his anvil and coughing between every
+blow.
+
+But this was not all. They began a third chapter, and I was immediately
+among lolly-pops. All the nicest things I had ever tasted stood before
+me in a row. There was a pot full of apricot jam; there was some roast
+beef gravy, than which, taken on the knife, I know nothing more
+toothsome; there was a sixpenny strawberry ice, and a nice cut of lamb
+and mint sauce to finish up with. I was sorry when they left off, but
+glad to find I was on the trace of a moral. The piece was evidently a
+musical embodiment of a clean shave: the first part was the misery of
+laying your head back and having your nose tweaked; the second was the
+being scraped; and the last was the happy moment when you stretch your
+limbs, pass your satisfied hand over your smooth chin, and nod to
+yourself complacently in the glass. The moral was obvious; that it is a
+duty to get shaved, and not to shave yourself, but to go to the
+professional man. My next experiment was to hear a young lady sing. She
+came on the platform, looking lovely, and she had on a sash and a dress
+improver that I never saw equalled for elegance. My hopes rose at the
+sight of her. I felt sure that so much beauty could not be otherwise
+than moral. "Oh, do be moral! do be moral!" I kept saying to myself, as
+the accompanist opened fire on her song. A dreadful thought then arose:
+the words of her song would taint the experiment, which was to be on
+music alone. But, to my delight, I could not catch a word of what she
+sang. It was all pure music. Her sweet song suggested to me as follows:
+I first saw her running up stairs and down again as fast as ever she
+could, and then she sat down on the mat to rest, while the piano panted.
+Then she drew out from somewhere one long, straight note, thick in the
+middle and tapering off at each end, so seductive that I fancied myself
+a storm-tossed mariner listening to a mermaid. I could almost feel the
+waves of the Margate boat gurgle around me. Then she drew a jug of hot
+water out of the boiler--at least, that was its intellectual
+significance to me, because the note went steadily rising upwards, with
+little splashes in between, just like the sound of the water when I draw
+a jug to shave a customer. Then she ran upstairs again like lightning,
+and disappeared through the tiles, while the pianist banged the front
+door to. I am sure there was a splendid moral to all this, for she
+looked so beautiful and smiled so sweetly; but I am undecided whether
+the moral was that I was to sign the pledge, or that I was not to go to
+concerts without Jemima as a safeguard.
+
+I next gave myself up bodily to what they called a "concerto." When I
+saw several gentlemen come on to the platform, with a variety of
+instruments, I thought it would be a more serious experiment than the
+others, and so it proved. I kept my eyes on them when they first began,
+but they looked so comical--one with his cheeks blown out, another with
+his hair as if it had just been machined, another trying to get his arm
+round his fiddle's waist, and another jerking his eyes out of his
+head--that I felt it was not giving the music a fair chance, so I shut
+my own eyes tight. As soon as I had done so there was no end of
+intellectual significance. I was in a pleasure van just starting for
+Hampton Court, with Jemima. There was the jog trot of the horses, and
+every now and then the skid put on; there was laughter and the puffing
+of pipes, and occasionally a loud roar, as we crossed a big
+thoroughfare. We soon got into the country and heard the birds chirping,
+and there was a sweet gurgling sound, which intimated to me that the men
+on the box had broached the four-gallon cask. I was just getting ready
+for a glass, when all at once the whole scene vanished. The music had
+stopped, and when it began again things were much altered for the worse.
+With the first note I felt a shudder go down my vitals. Something was
+coming, I did not know what. I felt just like being woke up in bed by a
+strange noise, and no matches handy, and my razors open to everybody on
+the table. Then I heard the bass fiddle say distinctly, "Prepare to meet
+your doom" several times over, while the violins tried to sneer at me,
+and the piano rattled chains in the corner. This was very trying, but
+worse was to follow. There were faint cries and sobs from the next room,
+as though murder was going on; there were long silences which were worse
+to bear than any sound; then someone began to work softly at the door
+with a centre bit, and there were rumblings as though someone else was
+letting himself down the chimney. I fancied I could almost see his leg.
+Then there was another hush, and thank heaven, I could tell by the
+hand-clapping that that part was over. It was about time, for the mental
+significance had got quite over-powering. There was then a total change.
+The music took me back in a second to the last ball I had been to--the
+eighteen-penny one, refreshments extra. I was dancing all the dances at
+once, and all the girls were making up to me, and it only made Jemima
+smile. That was a really delightful mental significance, and I could
+have done with more of it. But I doubt whether the concerto on the whole
+was moral. I am sure that ice down the back cannot be good for anyone,
+nor can I see, in cool moments, that raising the animal spirits so many
+degrees above proof is proper. I have not yet concluded my experiments.
+I have still to try the effects of a cornet solo; and the flute, as well
+as the concertina, the bones, and the banjo. But I have no doubt that if
+more people would try my plan, and honestly state the results, we should
+in time get at the truth of this matter of moral music.
+
+    (_From the_ "EVENING STANDARD.")
+
+
+
+
+BILLY DUMPS, THE TAILOR.
+
+CHARLES CLARK.
+
+
+Billy Dumps was very fond of spending his evenings with his two cronies,
+Natty Dyer, a shoemaker, and Neddy Tueson, an umbrella mender, at the
+"Cunning Cat," just round the corner. This worthy trio seldom left their
+favourite haunt before closing time, much to the disgust of their
+respective helpmates, Mrs. Dumps in particular.
+
+Billy Dumps was a tailor, working as _he_ termed it on his own hook. As
+his prices were moderate, and his work durable, he earned a pretty good
+living, making and mending for his neighbours, chiefly of the dock
+labouring class; but his nightly orgies at the "Cunning Cat" made sad
+inroads into his hard earnings, which tended much to sour Betsy's
+otherwise naturally good temper.
+
+The climax was reached one eventful evening, on the occasion of a
+Free-and-Easy being held at the old quarters, after which, Billy, for
+prudential reasons, was escorted home at midnight by his two associates,
+all fully bent on informing the sleeping neighbourhood at the top of
+their voices that they were "jolly good fellows," supplemented by a
+further assertion of, "and so say all of us!" Finishing up by depositing
+the confiding tailor at full length in his own front passage, through
+the door being inadvertently left ajar, where he laid and snored in
+blissful ignorance of the trials and troubles of this life until rather
+rudely awakened, and then somewhat briskly assisted upstairs, by Betsy
+and a broom handle.
+
+"Now, Mister Billy Dumps, I am tired of sitting up for you night after
+night, and mean to do so no longer. So if you are not in when our clock
+strikes ten, I locks the door and you finds other lodgings," exclaimed
+Betsy his wife, on the morning after the Free-and-Easy.
+
+Tailor Dumps felt small after the previous night's dissipation, and
+determined to get home earlier and sober that evening. But under the
+influence of the soothing pipe, the nut-brown ale, and the merry laugh
+and jest of his boon companions, he was induced to forget his late
+resolution, and to prolong his stay at the "Cunning Cat" until aroused
+to the fact that it was ten o'clock and closing-time. On reaching home,
+all was still and dark. Strange! he went round to the back door and
+thumped loudly. The bed-room casement flew open with a bang, from which
+instantly protruded the night-capped head of the wife of his bosom.
+Billy at once tried the high hand, shouting, "Now then, sleepy, what's
+yer game? Be spry and open sharp!"
+
+No. She wasn't going to be spry, neither was she sleepy; and as to her
+little game--she had locked him out according to promise, so didn't
+intend unlocking again that night. Not if she knew it. Oh no!
+
+"Now, Betsy, don't be a fool, you'll repent it," he urged.
+
+_She_ wasn't a fool, she answered. In her opinion, he was the biggest
+fool to be hammering and shivering outside at that time of night, when
+he might have been comfortably lying in a warm bed hours ago. As for
+repentance--she thought that would be more on his side of the door, for
+she felt comfortable--very.
+
+Billy fumed and stormed, and fully felt the ridiculousness of his
+position, especially as he heard sounds of the neighbouring casements
+stealthily unclose, and suppressed indications of merriment issuing
+therefrom. But Billy stormed to no purpose. Betsy coolly recommended him
+to go back where he had spent such a pleasant evening. She was sure Mrs.
+Mudge, the landlady, would be only too pleased to accommodate him with a
+lodging. If she wasn't, she ought to be, considering the time and money
+he spent in her house.
+
+But Billy had his own ideas of that arrangement, so still lingered,
+determined to try another tack. He promised amendment, but Betsy was
+sceptical. He appealed to her feelings. "Let me in, Betsy, for I am
+cold!" That she could not help; as he had made his bed so he must lie.
+He then became affectionate. "Oh Betsy, you are unkind: remember old
+times, remember our wedding-day!" he pleaded, thinking to touch her that
+way. But Betsy was not going to be had by soft sawder, for she promptly
+rejoined, "Remember our wedding-day, you drunken sot? _I do_ to my
+sorrow, no fear of my forgetting that great mistake. But, as I told you
+before, into this house this blessed night you do not step. No, not if
+you were to go on your knees and beg for it!"
+
+"Ah, Betsy. You'll be sorry for this when too late. I'm determined to
+end my misery. I'll jump down the well and drown myself. And you'll be
+the cause of it!" whined Billy.
+
+The night was dark. Betsy felt a little relenting as she heard her
+husband groping about in the wood shed. Then she could dimly discern him
+making for the well; plainly hear the creaking of the hinges and the lid
+thrown back with a thud. Then came the cry of "Good bye, Betsy, I'm
+gone!" The dull sound of a heavy body plunging into the water--a gasping
+moan, and all was still.
+
+Betsy's old affection for her erring husband at once returned with
+tenfold force, for she raced downstairs, rushing into the darkness,
+shrieking for help.
+
+The neighbours were aroused. Men and women tumbled out of their back
+doors in such scanty dishabille that would have charmed a sculptor.
+Betsy, still screeching like a bagpipe, had to be forcibly restrained
+from jumping to the rescue by the bystanders.
+
+Dick Ward, the blacksmith, thrust the bucket-pole into the well, singing
+out, "Lay hold, Billy, if ye ain't too fur gone!"
+
+"I can feel un," shouted Dick, as the pole struck some hard substance
+with a sounding smack.
+
+"My eye, Dick! he'll feel you too, if that's Billy's head you tapped,"
+said Nat; "it 'ud be one for his nob and no mistake."
+
+They caught a glimpse, by the uncertain light of a flaming candle, of a
+something floating low on the surface of the water.
+
+"His head feels as hard as a koker nut," said Dick, as the pole rattled
+on the dark object.
+
+"Why it seems off his shoulders, for it goes bobbing up and down like a
+dumplin in a soup-kettle!"
+
+Just then, to the astonishment of all, the well known voice of Billy
+Dumps was heard from the identical bed-room window that his wife had so
+lately vacated, shouting, "Hullo, you people. What the deuce are ye
+making such a rumpas for?"
+
+"A ghost! A ghost!" was the cry.
+
+"No fear," laughed the tailor. "But, Dick, as you have the pole in hand,
+I should feel obliged if you'd fish up my chopping-block which I dropped
+in there awhile ago!"
+
+Betsy Dumps at the sound of her husband's voice, made for the door, but
+found it fastened. "Let me in! Let me in! I am so glad you are safe!"
+she joyously exclaimed.
+
+"Not if I know it, Betsy. It's my turn now. _Into this house this
+blessed night you do not step. No, not if you were to go on your knees
+and beg for it!_"
+
+A loud laugh broke from the crowd, as the joke dawned on them. Betsy was
+being paid back in her own coin. The neighbourhood had been sold. The
+crafty tailor had secured the chopping-block from the wood shed, and
+popped it down the well as his substitute, then, in the darkness and
+confusion slipped back into the house unseen. Betsy, having been
+accommodated for the night by a friendly neighbour, the crowd dispersed,
+highly amused at the adventure. Early the next morning, Mrs. Dumps on
+returning home was surprised to find her husband up, a cheerful fire
+burning, and the breakfast ready. Taking her hand he gave her a hearty
+kiss, with this greeting, "Dear old woman, let bygones be bygones!" And
+they were, too; for from that time the "Cunning Cat" knew him no more.
+It struck him strongly that his wife's true affection shown in the hour
+of his supposed great danger was too precious to trifle with; as a proof
+that he kept his word, let it be added that anyone visiting that large
+thriving tailoring establishment in the High Street, would hardly
+recognise in the respectable dapper proprietor, Mr. William Dumps, the
+once drunken tailor so long a nightly nuisance to the neighbourhood.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+ON PUNNING.
+
+THEODORE HOOK.
+
+
+  My little dears who learn to read, pray early learn to shun
+  That very silly thing indeed, which people call a pun.
+  Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found, how simple an offence
+  It is to make the self-same sound afford a double sense.
+
+  For instance, _ale_ may make you _ail_, your _aunt_ an _ant_ may kill,
+  You in a _vale_ may buy a _veil_ and _Bill_ may pay the _bill_.
+  Or, if to France your bark may steer, at Dover it may be,
+  A _peer_ appears upon the _pier_, who, blind, still goes to _sea_.
+
+  Thus, one might say, when to a treat good friends accept our greeting,
+  'Tis _meet_ that men who _meet_ to eat should eat their _meat_ when
+          _meeting_.
+  Brawn on the _board's_ no bore indeed although from _boar_ prepared;
+  Nor can the _fowl_, on which we feed, _foul_ feeding he declared.
+
+  Thus, one ripe fruit may be a _pear_, and yet be _pared_ again,
+  And still no _one_, which seemeth rare until we do explain.
+  It therefore should be all your aim to spell with ample care;
+  For who, however fond of _game_, would choose to swallow _hair_?
+
+  A fat man's _gait_ may make us smile, who has no _gate_ to close;
+  The farmer, sitting on his _stile_ no _sty_lish person knows.
+  Perfumers, men of _scents_ must be, some _Scilly_ men are bright;
+  A _brown_ man oft _deep read_ we see, a _black_ a wicked _wight_.
+
+  Most wealthy men good _manors_ have, however vulgar they;
+  And actors still the harder slave the oftener they _play_.
+  So poets can't the _baize_ obtain, unless their tailors choose;
+  While grooms and coachmen not in vain each evening seek the _Mews_.
+
+  The _dyer_, who by _dying_ lives, a _dire_ life maintains;
+  The glazier, it is known, receives his profits for his _panes_.
+  By gardeners _thyme_ is tied, 'tis true, when spring is in its prime;
+  But _time_ and _tide_ won't wait for you if you are _tied_ for _time_.
+
+  Thus now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun;
+  A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun.
+  The fault admits of no defence, for wheresoe'er 'tis found,
+  You sacrifice the _sound_ for _sense_; the _sense_ is never _sound_.
+
+  So let your words and actions, too, one single meaning prove,
+  And just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love.
+  In mirth and play no harm you'll know when duty's task is done;
+  But parents ne'er should let ye go un_pun_ished for a PUN.
+
+
+
+
+SEASIDE LODGINGS.
+
+PERCY REEVE.
+
+
+"Oh!" said Georgina Honeybee one afternoon, just before Good Friday,
+"_wouldn't_ it be nice to go away for Easter?"
+
+Now it so happened, that the notion was by no means displeasing to Mr.
+Honeybee. He longed for a change; the thought of sea-breezes enchanted
+him. He felt worried with work, and yearned to hie him away somewhere
+without leaving his address behind him. So it fell out that, almost for
+the first time in his married existence, he agreed to his wife's
+proposition without demur--and long before a week was over, he never
+regretted anything so much in all his life.
+
+With husband and wife of one mind (for a wonder), the preliminaries were
+speedily arranged. Swineleigh-on-Sea was selected as their destination.
+In less time than it takes to tell, Georgina was bustling about the
+house, giving parting instructions to the servants as to what they were
+to do during her absence (one would have thought she was going away for
+a year at least). Fanny (Mrs. Honeybee's maid, if you please) was
+packing-up her mistress's luggage, while John was being abused by his
+master for having no more idea than a child of how to fill a
+portmanteau. Everybody was hot and flurried, and the hall-door bell rang
+four times before it received the attention to which it was accustomed.
+
+Honeybee stood in his shirt-sleeves, and in his dressing-room, while his
+perspiring and nervous man endeavoured to put boots on the top of clean
+shirts. Georgina flitted about her bedroom, saying--"Yes; thank you; if
+you'll put in my tea-gown. Yes; thank you--now the linen. Yes; thank
+you--no, I shouldn't lay the sponge-bag on the top of my handkerchief
+case. Yes; thank you--now the braided dress;" and sundry pretty babble
+of that kind.
+
+At length everything was ready. A four-wheeled cab was called, and Mr.
+Honeybee, Georgina, and Fanny the maid, were soon driving across London
+to the railway-station. Their tickets got, the trio proceeded without
+adventure to Swineleigh, where, when she emerged from the slightly
+inferior class in which she had travelled, Fanny remarked to her
+mistress:
+
+"This don't seem half a bad sort of place, mum."
+
+Honeybee was beaming. His face seemed to say: "Ah! I tell you, when I
+_do_ take it into my head to go out for a holiday with my wife and her
+maid, I go to the right place, and I have things done properly." Poor
+man--he little knew.
+
+Swineleigh is, fortunately, not a large place, or its death rate would
+have more influence on the mortality statistics; but it is quite large
+enough to be unpleasant, and to make those who have once visited it
+swear they will never do so again. Honeybee had heard it was cheap from
+a gentleman friend, and Georgina had gathered from a lady acquaintance
+that it was quiet and respectable--hence the praiseworthy unanimity
+which had characterised their selection of this spot for the enjoyment
+of an Easter holiday. They had meant to put up at the Marine Hotel, but
+when they reached that modest edifice they found that all the rooms were
+engaged, excepting a couple of dog-holes somewhere near the roof, which,
+from their description, our party did not care to inspect. Honeybee was,
+however, directed to some lodgings which sounded as if they might suit,
+and with a crack of the whip, and a curse from the flyman, who had
+conveyed them thus far, the party started off on a fresh tack. When they
+reached Cronstadt Villa--for it was hither they were referred--Mr.
+Honeybee opened fire as follows upon the landlady who opened the door:
+
+"We come from the Marine Hotel. Can we have a large bed-room, a small
+bed-room, a dressing-room and a sitting-room?"
+
+"Yes," replied the landlady, somewhat reflectively, as if she felt
+inclined to add, "But what you mean by such impertinence I am at a loss
+to inquire."
+
+"Good!" rejoined Honeybee. "Will you have our luggage sent up as soon as
+may be? And we should like dinner pretty soon, as we have not had much
+lunch."
+
+"Come inside, please," said the landlady, grandly, to the trio in
+general. Then elbowing Fanny out of the way, she said to Mrs. Honeybee
+particularly: "Would you like to see your room?"
+
+"Thank you very much," returned Georgina, "I should."
+
+Then the newly-made friends walked upstairs together, leaving Honeybee
+and Fanny to get the luggage up, and to fight the flyman. Mercifully, a
+loafer turned up and volunteered to carry the boxes. Mr. Honeybee only
+paid the flyman three times his fare, but escaped without loss of blood.
+It is true the driver thought proper to curse him to the nethermost
+depths of hell, but what are you to do in a place like Swineleigh, where
+you might as well look for the Pope as for a policeman?
+
+At last the baggage was stowed in the different rooms indicated by the
+landlady. Fanny could not help smiling when the loafer set down
+Honeybee's portmanteau with a plump on her bed; and Georgina could not
+help saying "Oh!" when Fanny's box was hauled into _her_ room; but these
+little mistakes were soon rectified, and the loafer being evidently one
+of nature's noblemen, withdrew without further parley when he had
+received all the loose silver there was in the house. The landlady had
+not any change.
+
+"Now then," said Honeybee, when the door was fairly shut, "when can we
+have dinner, and of what will it consist?"
+
+"Dinner!" repeated the landlady, as if recalling by an effort the
+meaning of a word once familiar. "Have you not dined?"
+
+"Not to-day," replied Honeybee, jocosely; "but we do not want
+much--anything will do. How about a fried sole and a roast chicken?"
+
+It was now seven o'clock, and the landlady verified the fact by
+reference to a silver watch, which she plucked with a jerk from her
+waistband.
+
+"Shops are all closed now," she said, as it seemed, with some relief. "I
+might get you a steak, or a couple of chops."
+
+"If you will add bread and butter, the use of the cruets, and perchance
+some cheese or jam," suggested Honeybee in his most caressing tones,
+while his wife endeavoured vainly to prevent him treading upon what she
+knew was volcanic ground, "I'm sure we could manage for to-night."
+
+"Well, you'll have to," replied the landlady, in a surly voice, and then
+she rang the bell in the room, which was to be the Honeybee's dining,
+drawing, and smoking room for a week. To this summons a most horrible
+"maid" responded, and to her were consigned Georgina and her spouse. The
+landlady never was seen again until she came eventually to present the
+bill; but her voice was frequently heard. Honeybee's good-nature by this
+time was giving out; but he controlled himself.
+
+"Will you," said he, "get us some food ready as soon as you can? We
+would like a beef-steak. Will half-past seven be too early?"
+
+"No, sir," replied the maid, in a far-off voice; and she left the room.
+
+"Now," said Honeybee, "Georgina, my dearest, you must be tired. Come
+upstairs and change your dress; Fanny will get you hot water and see to
+you. I will just wash my hands and then take a short stroll. Come
+along."
+
+When they reached the bedroom they found Fanny in a great undertaking.
+Having unpacked Georgina's trunk, and littered the floor with dresses
+and parcels, she was about to arrange the different articles in the
+chest of drawers, when she found them all locked up.
+
+"This is absurd," said Honeybee; and he rang the bell. After a very
+long time the horrible maid appeared, and when asked why all the drawers
+were looked, replied, with a wild-eyed expression of face, that she
+supposed "missus's things was there." Desired to ask missus to remove
+them, or to provide other accommodation for her tenants, the wild-eyed
+one remarked that she "dursen't do it."
+
+Georgina, always trying to soothe troubled waters, observed, "Never
+mind; we shall get straight to-morrow somehow. I'm so tired; it does not
+matter for to-night. Only unpack what I absolutely want, Fanny; and you,
+dear," to her husband, "go and have a nice stroll, but be back by
+half-past seven, as I'm famishing."
+
+So enjoined, Honeybee kissed his wife, and withdrew.
+
+A cursory inspection of the contents of his portmanteau soon convinced
+him that John had omitted to put in a good many useful articles; and as
+Mr. Honeybee made a hasty toilette, he was pained to observe that he had
+brought with him an odd coat and waistcoat. Even this might have been
+borne, if the bottle containing his boot-varnish had not broken over his
+shirts; and with a heavy heart he sallied forth into the town to buy a
+tooth-brush.
+
+Having made his purchase, and also ordered some wine, he returned to the
+lodgings, where he found his wife waiting in the sitting-room warming
+her feet, while the maid laid the table. About five minutes to eight
+"dinner" was served. It consisted of a beef-steak that was raw, except
+in those parts which had been burnt to a cinder; some potatoes which
+were very black under the eyes, and extremely hard, were also served;
+and some of last week's bread, together with some pale butterine,
+completed the repast. The Honeybees endeavoured to eat a few mouthfuls,
+washed down with cold and not particularly pure water. Although the wine
+merchant had assured Honeybee that the rare vintage he had ordered would
+be "there before he was," the young man did not arrive with the bottles
+until the next morning.
+
+"Perhaps the night is too inclement for him to venture out," said
+Honeybee; "or perhaps he reflects that we shall drink coffee with our
+dinner, and only require wine at breakfast time."
+
+After dinner the Honeybees had a game of cribbage, but they did not
+enjoy it, and soon Georgina went up to bed. Honeybee left her with
+Fanny, and then came downstairs again to smoke. He rang the bell and
+asked the maid if he could have a bottle of soda-water.
+
+"The public 'ouses is all closed now," said she, as if repeating a
+lesson.
+
+"Then some plain water please," returned Honeybee dolefully.
+
+"You'll find some in your bedroom," was the reply.
+
+With a heavy heart Honeybee went upstairs and took a long and strong
+drink of brandy from his flask, diluted from the bottle on his
+wash-stand. A fearful night it was--the miserable couple passed it in
+fear and trembling. Outside the wind howled and made the ill-fitting
+windows rattle continuously. Within the blinds refused to draw down, and
+the feather bed was so meagrely filled with feathers that when sleep
+began to steal upon Honeybee, he awoke to find himself with his hip-bone
+grating against the iron frame of the bedstead. The draught came in
+under the door with some force. This was not surprising when one came to
+examine the distance between it and the floor. The interval seemed
+contrived so as to admit of the carpet being drawn out of the room
+without opening the door.
+
+Bruised and weary, the Honeybees rose next morning. It was raining very
+hard, as it had been all night. For breakfast they had some fried eggs
+and bacon. The eggs would have been all right if they had been warmed
+through; but Honeybee said raw egg was good for the voice. The bacon
+would have brought its own punishment to the Jew wicked enough to
+indulge in it. They read novels most of the morning. Georgina and Fanny
+were occasionally in consultation as to some proposed alterations to a
+dress. Honeybee looked out of the window like a caged lion.
+
+Ah, Heavens! but why should I follow further the agonies of these
+wretched people. Indeed, I shrink from recording the sickening details
+of their week's stay. The disgusting round of impertinence,
+uncleanliness, stupidity, and brutality to which they were subjected is
+too odious to recount. Suffice it to say that never had Waterloo Villa
+looked so fair as when the Honeybees returned to it after their
+"holiday," and Georgina literally danced round the bright clean
+dining-room table laid ready for dinner, while Honeybee threw himself
+groaning on to his bed, where he lay till aroused by the rattle of
+plates and dishes. My goodness, how he did eat! And how Georgina beamed!
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+  THE END.
+
+
+  BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: Obvious misprints and punctuation errors have been
+silently corrected.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Humorous Readings and Recitations, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMOROUS READINGS AND RECITATIONS ***
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+    .caption  {font-weight: bold;}
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+    .poem             {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;}
+    .poem br          {display: none;}
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+    .poem span.i2     {display: block; margin-left: 2em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem span.i3     {display: block; margin-left: 3em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem span.i4     {display: block; margin-left: 4em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem span.i5     {display: block; margin-left: 5em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
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+
+    </style>
+  </head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Humorous Readings and Recitations, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Humorous Readings and Recitations
+       In prose and verse
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Leopold Wagner
+
+Release Date: July 18, 2011 [EBook #36775]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMOROUS READINGS AND RECITATIONS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="600" height="776" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h2>HUMOROUS READINGS</h2>
+
+<h5>AND</h5>
+
+<h2>RECITATIONS.</h2>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h1>HUMOROUS READINGS</h1>
+
+<h5>AND</h5>
+
+<h1>RECITATIONS</h1>
+
+<h3><i>IN PROSE AND VERSE</i>.</h3>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>SELECTED AND EDITED</h4>
+
+<h5>BY</h5>
+
+<h2>LEOPOLD WAGNER,</h2>
+
+<h5>EDITOR OF<br />
+"MODERN READINGS AND RECITATIONS,"<br />
+"NEW READINGS FROM AMERICAN AUTHORS," ETC.</h5>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 253px;">
+<img src="images/i-003.jpg" width="253" height="235" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>London and New York:<br />
+
+FREDERICK  WARNE  AND  CO.<br />
+
+1889.</h4>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h5>LONDON:<br />
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, &amp; CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.</h5>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE"></a>PREFACE.</h2>
+
+
+<p>In introducing to the public a Third Series of "Popular Readings," I
+consider it merely necessary to state that the courtesy of authors and
+publishers has enabled me to bring together a choice selection of
+humorous pieces which have acquired a large share of popularity, in
+addition to a number of others that may justly be regarded as novelties.</p>
+
+<p>Concerning the former, I have so often had occasion to answer inquiries
+respecting particular pieces for recitation, that it occurred to me the
+handy collection of those most generally sought after, but hitherto
+scattered through various publications, would be welcomed by many; and I
+took steps accordingly. How far I have succeeded in my purpose a glance
+at the Contents-list will show. For the fresh matter admitted to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a></span> these
+pages, I sincerely trust that from among so many new candidates for
+popularity, at least one or two of them may be elected to represent the
+Penny Reading Constituents of each respective Borough for some time to
+come.</p>
+
+<p>Once more I beg to express my indebtedness and thanks to those authors
+and publishers who have so generously placed their copyright pieces at
+my disposal.</p>
+
+<p style='text-align: right'>L. W.</p>
+<p style='font-size: smaller'><span class="smcap">Brompton.</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span></p>
+<h2>CONTENTS.</h2>
+
+<div class="center">
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="">
+<tr><td align='left'>&nbsp;</td><td align='left'>&nbsp;</td><td align='right'><small>PAGE</small></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#ACCOMPANIED_ON_THE_FLUTE"><span class="smcap">Accompanied on the Flute</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>F. Anstey</i></td><td align='right'>1</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_TROUBLES_OF_A_TRIPLET"><span class="smcap">The Troubles of a Triplet</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>W. Beatty-Kingston</i></td><td align='right'>8</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#SLIGHTLY_DEAF"><span class="smcap">Slightly Deaf</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Bracebridge Hemming</i></td><td align='right'>10</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_LADY_FREEMASON"><span class="smcap">The Lady Freemason</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>H. T. Craven</i></td><td align='right'>18</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#WHAT_HAPPENED_LAST_NIGHT"><span class="smcap">What Happened Last Night!</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>F. B. Harrison</i></td><td align='right'>24</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_FATAL_LEGS"><span class="smcap">The Fatal Legs</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Walter Browne</i></td><td align='right'>27</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_CALIPHS_JESTER"><span class="smcap">The Caliph's Jester</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>From the Arabic</i></td><td align='right'>29</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#A_JOURNEY_IN_SEARCH_OF_NOTHING"><span class="smcap">A Journey in Search of Nothing</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Wilkie Collins</i></td><td align='right'>32</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#GEMINI_AND_VIRGO"><span class="smcap">Gemini and Virgo</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>C. S. Calverley</i></td><td align='right'>37</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#KING_BIBBS"><span class="smcap">King Bibbs</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>James Albery</i></td><td align='right'>41</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#MOLLY_MULDOON"><span class="smcap">Molly Muldoon</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Anonymous</i></td><td align='right'>48</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_HARMONIOUS_LOBSTERS"><span class="smcap">The Harmonious Lobsters</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Robert Reece</i></td><td align='right'>52</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_PROVINCIAL_LANDLADY"><span class="smcap">The Provincial Landlady</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>H. Chance Newton</i></td><td align='right'>57</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#MY_MATRIMONIAL_PREDICAMENT"><span class="smcap">My Matrimonial Predicament</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Leopold Wagner</i></td><td align='right'>58</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#ETIQUETTE"><span class="smcap">Etiquette</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>W. S. Gilbert</i></td><td align='right'>62</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#A_LOST_SHEPHERD"><span class="smcap">A Lost Shepherd</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Frank Barrett</i></td><td align='right'>65</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#A_MATHEMATIC_MADNESS"><span class="smcap">A Mathematic Madness</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>F. P. Dempster</i></td><td align='right'>70</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#WAITING_AT_TOTTLEPOT"><span class="smcap">Waiting at Tottlepot</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>J. Ashby-Sterry</i></td><td align='right'>72</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#MARRIED_TO_A_GIANTESS"><span class="smcap">Married to a Giantess</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Walter Parke</i></td><td align='right'>75</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_VISION_OF_THE_ALDERMAN"><span class="smcap">The Vision of the Alderman</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Henry S. Leigh</i></td><td align='right'>79</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_DEMON_SNUFFERS"><span class="smcap">The Demon Snuffers</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Geo. Manville Fenn</i></td><td align='right'>80</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_WALRUS_AND_THE_CARPENTER"><span class="smcap">The Walrus and the Carpenter</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Lewis Carroll</i></td><td align='right'>86</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#MY_BROTHER_HENRY"><span class="smcap">My Brother Henry</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>J. M. Barrie</i></td><td align='right'>89</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#A_NIGHT_WITH_A_STORK"><span class="smcap">A Night with a Stork</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>W. E. Wilcox</i></td><td align='right'>92</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_FAITHFUL_LOVERS"><span class="smcap">The Faithful Lovers</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>F. C. Burnand</i></td><td align='right'>95</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_WAIL_OF_A_BANNER-BEARER"><span class="smcap">The Wail of a Banner-Bearer</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Arthur Matthison</i></td><td align='right'>96</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_DREAM_OF_THE_BILIOUS_BEADLE"><span class="smcap">The Dream of the Bilious Beadle</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Arthur Shirley</i></td><td align='right'>99</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#MY_FRIEND_TREACLE"><span class="smcap">My Friend Treacle</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Watkin-Elliott</i></td><td align='right'>101<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</a></span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_VOICE_OF_THE_SLUGGARD"><span class="smcap">The Voice of the Sluggard</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Anonymous</i></td><td align='right'>107</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#ARTEMUS_WARDS_VISIT_TO_THE_TOWER_OF_LONDON"><span class="smcap">Artemus Ward's Visit to the Tower of London</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Chas. Farrar Browne</i></td><td align='right'>108</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#MR_CAUDLE_HAS_LENT_AN_ACQUAINTANCE_THE_FAMILY_UMBRELLA"><span class="smcap">Mr. Caudle has lent an Acquaintance the Family Umbrella</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Douglas Jerrold</i></td><td align='right'>111</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#DOMESTIC_ASIDES"><span class="smcap">Domestic Asides</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Tom Hood</i></td><td align='right'>113</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_CHARITY_DINNER"><span class="smcap">The Charity Dinner</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Litchfield Moseley</i></td><td align='right'>115</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#ACTING_WITH_A_VENGEANCE"><span class="smcap">Acting with a Vengeance</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>W. Sapte, Jun.</i></td><td align='right'>120</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#MY_FORTNIGHT_AT_WRETCHEDVILLE"><span class="smcap">My Fortnight at Wretchedville</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>George Augustus Sala</i></td><td align='right'>126</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#THE_SORROWS_OF_WERTHER"><span class="smcap">The Sorrows of Werther</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>W. M. Thackeray</i></td><td align='right'>132</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#MORAL_MUSIC"><span class="smcap">Moral Music</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Anonymous</i></td><td align='right'>133</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#BILLY_DUMPS_THE_TAILOR"><span class="smcap">Billy Dumps, the Tailor</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Charles Clark</i></td><td align='right'>136</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#ON_PUNNING"><span class="smcap">On Punning</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Theodore Hook</i></td><td align='right'>139</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#SEASIDE_LODGINGS"><span class="smcap">Seaside Lodgings</span></a></td><td align='left'><i>Percy Reeve</i></td><td align='right'>140</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h1>HUMOROUS READINGS</h1>
+
+<h5>AND</h5>
+
+<h1>RECITATIONS.</h1>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="ACCOMPANIED_ON_THE_FLUTE" id="ACCOMPANIED_ON_THE_FLUTE"></a>ACCOMPANIED ON THE FLUTE.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">F. Anstey.</span></h3>
+
+
+<p>The Consul Duilius was entertaining Rome in triumph after his celebrated
+defeat of the Carthaginian fleet at Myl&aelig;. He had won a great naval
+victory for his country with the first fleet that it had ever
+possessed&mdash;which was naturally a gratifying reflection, and he would
+have been perfectly happy now if he had only been a little more
+comfortable.</p>
+
+<p>But he was standing in an extremely rickety chariot, which was crammed
+with his nearer relations, and a few old friends, to whom he had been
+obliged to send tickets. At his back stood a slave, who held a heavy
+Etruscan crown on the Consul's head, and whenever he thought his master
+was growing conceited, threw in the reminder that he was only a man
+after all&mdash;a liberty which at any other time he might have had good
+reason to regret.</p>
+
+<p>Then the large Delphic wreath, which Duilius wore as well as the crown,
+had slipped down over one eye, and was tickling his nose, while (as both
+his hands were occupied, one with a sceptre the other with a laurel
+bough, and he had to hold on tightly to the rail of the chariot whenever
+it jolted) there was nothing to do but suffer in silence.</p>
+
+<p>They had insisted, too, upon painting him a beautiful bright red all
+over, and though it made him look quite new, and very shining and
+splendid, he had his doubts at times whether it was altogether becoming,
+and particularly whether he would ever be able to get it off again.</p>
+
+<p>But these were but trifles after all, and nothing compared with the
+honour and glory of it! Was not everybody straining to get a glimpse of
+him? Did not even the spotted and skittish<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> horses which drew the
+chariot repeatedly turn round to gaze upon his vermilioned features? As
+Duilius remarked this he felt that he was, indeed, the central personage
+in all this magnificence, and that, on the whole, he liked it.</p>
+
+<p>He could see the beaks of the ships he had captured bobbing
+up and down in the middle distance; he could see the white
+bulls destined for sacrifice entering completely into the spirit of
+the thing, and redeeming the procession from any monotony by
+occasionally bolting down a back street, or tossing on their
+gilded horns some of the flamens who were walking solemnly in
+front of them.</p>
+
+<p>He could hear, too, above five distinct brass bands, the
+remarks of his friends as they predicted rain, or expressed a
+pained surprise at the smallness of the crowd and the absence of
+any genuine enthusiasm; and he caught the general purport of
+the very offensive ribaldry circulated at his own expense among
+the brave legions that brought up the rear.</p>
+
+<p>This was merely the usual course of things on such occasions,
+and a great compliment when properly understood, and Duilius
+felt it to be so. In spite of his friends, the red paint, and the
+familiar slave, in spite of the extreme heat of the weather and
+his itching nose, he told himself that this, and this alone, was
+worth living for.</p>
+
+<p>And it was a painful reflection to him that, after all, it would
+only last a day; he could not go on triumphing like this for the
+remainder of his natural life&mdash;he would not be able to afford it
+on his moderate income; and yet&mdash;and yet&mdash;existence would
+fall woefully flat after so much excitement.</p>
+
+<p>It may be supposed that Duilius was naturally fond of ostentation
+and notoriety, but this was far from being the case; on
+the contrary, at ordinary times his disposition was retiring and
+almost shy, but his sudden success had worked a temporary change
+in him, and in the very flush of triumph he found himself sighing
+to think, that in all human probability, he would never go
+about with trumpeters and trophies, with flute-players and
+white oxen, any more in his whole life.</p>
+
+<p>And then he reached the Porta Triumphalis, where the chief
+magistrates and the Senate awaited them, all seated upon spirited
+Roman-nosed chargers, which showed a lively emotion at the
+approach of the procession, and caused most of their riders to
+dismount with as much affectation of method and design as their
+dignity enjoined and the nature of the occasion permitted.</p>
+
+<p>There Duilius was presented with the freedom of the city and
+an address, which last he put in his pocket, as he explained, to
+read at home.</p>
+
+<p>And then an &AElig;dile informed him in a speech, during which he twice lost
+his notes, and had to be prompted by a lictor, that the grateful
+Republic, taking into consideration the Consul's distinguished services,
+had resolved to disregard expense, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> on that auspicious day to give
+him whatever reward he might choose to demand&mdash;"in reason," the &AElig;dile
+added cautiously, as he quitted his saddle with an unexpectedness which
+scarcely seemed intentional.</p>
+
+<p>Duilius was naturally a little overwhelmed by such liberality, and, like
+every one else favoured suddenly with such an opportunity, was quite
+incapable of taking complete advantage of it.</p>
+
+<p>For a time he really could not remember in his confusion anything he
+would care for at all, and he thought it might look mean to ask for
+money.</p>
+
+<p>At last he recalled his yearning for a Perpetual Triumph, but his
+natural modesty made him moderate, and he could not find courage to ask
+for more than a fraction of the glory that now attended him.</p>
+
+<p>So, not without some hesitation, he replied that they were
+exceedingly kind, and since they left it entirely to his discretion,
+he would like&mdash;if they had no objection&mdash;he would like a flute-player
+to attend him whenever he went out.</p>
+
+<p>Duilius very nearly asked for a white bull as well; but, on
+second thoughts, he felt it might lead to inconvenience, and
+there were many difficulties connected with the proper management
+of such an animal. The Consul, from what he had seen
+that day, felt that it would be imprudent to trust himself in
+front of the bull, while, if he walked behind, he might be mistaken
+for a cattle-driver, which would be odious. And so he gave
+up that idea, and contented himself with a simple flute-player.</p>
+
+<p>The Senate, visibly relieved by so unassuming a request,
+granted it with positive effusion; Duilius was invited to select
+his musician, and chose the biggest, after which the procession
+moved on through the arch and up the Capitoline Hill, while
+the Consul had time to remember things he would have liked
+even better than a flute-player, and to suspect dimly that he
+might have made rather an ass of himself.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+
+<p>That night Duilius was entertained at a supper given at the public
+expense; he went out with the proud resolve to show his sense of the
+compliment paid him by scaling the giddiest heights of intoxication. The
+Romans of that day only drank wine and water at their festivals, but it
+is astonishing how inebriated a person of powerful will can become, even
+on wine and water, if he only gives his mind to it. And Duilius, being a
+man of remarkable determination, returned from that hospitable board
+particularly drunk; the flute-player saw him home, however, helped him
+to bed, though he could not induce him to take off his sandals, and
+lulled him to a heavy slumber by a selection from the popular airs of
+the time.</p>
+
+<p>So that the Consul, although he awoke late next day with a bad headache
+and a perception of the vanity of most things, still<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> found reason to
+congratulate himself upon his forethought in securing so invaluable an
+attendant, and planned, rather hopefully, sundry little ways of making
+him useful about the house.</p>
+
+<p>As the subsequent history of this great naval commander is examined with
+the impartiality that becomes the historian, it is impossible to be
+blind to the melancholy fact that in the first flush of his elation
+Duilius behaved with an utter want of tact and taste that must have gone
+far to undermine his popularity, and proved a source of much
+gratification to his friends.</p>
+
+<p>He would use that flute-player everywhere&mdash;he overdid the thing
+altogether: for example, he used to go out to pay formal calls, and
+leave the flute-player in the hall tootling to such an extent that at
+last his acquaintances were forced in self-defence to deny themselves to
+him.</p>
+
+<p>When he attended worship at the temples, too, he would bring the
+flute-player with him, on the flimsy pretext that he could assist the
+choir during service; and it was the same at the theatres, where
+Duilius&mdash;such was his arrogance&mdash;actually would not take a box unless
+the manager admitted the flute-player to the orchestra and guaranteed
+him at least one solo between the acts.</p>
+
+<p>And it was the Consul's constant habit to strut about the Forum with his
+musician executing marches behind him, until the spectacle became so
+utterly ridiculous that even the Romans of that age, who were as free
+from the slightest taint of humour as a self-respecting nation can
+possibly be, began to notice something peculiar.</p>
+
+<p>But the day of retribution dawned at last. Duilius worked the flute so
+incessantly that the musician's stock of airs was very soon exhausted,
+and then he was naturally obliged to blow them through once more.</p>
+
+<p>The excellent Consul had not a fine ear, but even he began to hail the
+fiftieth repetition of "Pugnare nolumus," for instance&mdash;the great
+national peace anthem of the period&mdash;with the feeling that he had heard
+the same tune at least twice before, and preferred something slightly
+fresher, while others had taken a much shorter time in arriving at the
+same conclusion.</p>
+
+<p>The elder Duilius, the Consul's father, was perhaps the most annoyed by
+it; he was a nice old man in his way&mdash;the glass and china way&mdash;but he
+was a typical old Roman, with a manly contempt for pomp, vanity, music,
+and the fine arts generally, so that his son's flute-player, performing
+all day in the courtyard, drove the old gentleman nearly mad, until he
+would rush to the windows and hurl the lighter articles of furniture at
+the head of the persistent musician, who, however, after dodging them
+with dexterity, affected to treat them as a recognition of his efforts
+and carried them away gratefully to sell.</p>
+
+<p>Duilius senior would have smashed the flute, only it was never laid
+aside for a single instant, even at meals; he would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> have made the
+player drunk and incapable, but he was a member of the <i>Manus Spei</i>, and
+he would with cheerfulness have given him a heavy bribe to go away, if
+the honest fellow had not proved absolutely incorruptible.</p>
+
+<p>So he would only sit down and swear, and then relieve his feelings by
+giving his son a severe thrashing, with threats to sell him for whatever
+he might fetch; for, in the curious conditions of ancient Roman society,
+a father possessed both these rights, however his offspring might have
+distinguished himself in public life.</p>
+
+<p>Naturally, Duilius did not like the idea of being put up to auction, and
+he began to feel that it was slightly undignified for a Roman general
+who had won a naval victory and been awarded a first-class Triumph to be
+undergoing corporeal punishment daily at the hands of an unflinching
+parent, and accordingly he determined to go and expostulate with his
+flute-player.</p>
+
+<p>He was beginning to find him a nuisance himself, for all his old shy
+reserve and unwillingness to attract attention had returned to him; he
+was fond of solitude, and yet he could never be alone; he was weary of
+doing everything to slow music, like the bold, bad man in a melodrama.</p>
+
+<p>He could not even go across the street to purchase a postage-stamp
+without the flute-player coming stalking out after him, playing away
+like a public fountain; while, owing to the well-known susceptibility of
+a rabble to the charm of music, the disgusted Consul had to take his
+walks abroad at the head of Rome's choicest scum.</p>
+
+<p>Duilius, with a lively recollection of these inconveniences,
+would have spoken very seriously indeed to his musician, but
+he shrank from hurting his feelings by plain truth. He simply
+explained that he had not intended the other to accompany him
+<i>always</i>, but only on special occasions; and, while professing the
+sincerest admiration for his musical proficiency, he felt, as he
+said, unwilling to monopolise it, and unable to enjoy it at the
+expense of a fellow-creature's rest and comfort.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps he put the thing a little too delicately to secure the
+object he had in view, for the musician, although he was deeply
+touched by such unwonted consideration, waved it aside with a
+graceful fervour which was quite irresistible.</p>
+
+<p>He assured the Consul that he was only too happy to have
+been selected to render his humble tribute to the naval genius
+of so great a commander; he would not admit that his own rest
+and comfort were in the least affected by his exertions, for,
+being naturally fond of the flute, he could, he protested, perform
+upon it continuously for whole days without fatigue. And he
+concluded by pointing out very respectfully that for the Consul
+to dispense, even to a small extent, with an honour decreed (at
+his own particular request) by the Republic, would have the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>
+appearance of ingratitude, and expose him to the gravest suspicions.
+After which he rendered the ancient love-chant,
+"Ludus idem, ludus vetus," with singular sweetness and
+expression.</p>
+
+<p>Duilius felt the force of his arguments. Republics are proverbially
+forgetful, and he was aware that it might not be safe
+even for him, to risk offending the Senate.</p>
+
+<p>So he had nothing to do but just go on, and be followed about
+by the flute-player, and castigated by his parent in the old
+familiar way, until he had very little self-respect left.</p>
+
+<p>At last he found a distraction in his care-laden existence&mdash;he
+fell deeply in love. But even here a musical Nemesis attended
+him, to his infinite embarrassment, in the person of his devoted
+follower. Sometimes Duilius would manage to elude him, and
+slip out unseen to some sylvan retreat, where he had reason to
+hope for a meeting with the object of his adoration. He
+generally found that in this expectation he had not deceived
+himself; but, always, just as he had found courage to speak of
+the passion that consumed him, a faint tune would strike his
+ear from afar, and, turning his head in a fury, he would see his
+faithful flute-player striding over the fields in pursuit of him
+with unquenchable ardour.</p>
+
+<p>He gave in at last, and submitted to the necessity of speaking
+all his tender speeches "through music." Claudia did not seem
+to mind it, perhaps finding an additional romance in being
+wooed thus; and Duilius himself, who was not eloquent, found
+that the flute came in very well at awkward pauses in the
+conversation.</p>
+
+<p>Then they were married, and, as Claudia played very nicely
+herself upon the <i>tibi&aelig;</i>, she got up musical evenings, when she
+played duets with the flute-player, which Duilius, if he had
+only had a little more taste for music, might have enjoyed
+immensely.</p>
+
+<p>As it was, beginning to observe for the first time that the musician was
+far from uncomely, he forbade the duets. Claudia wept and sulked, and
+Claudia's mother said that Duilius was behaving like a brute, and she
+was not to mind him; but the harmony of their domestic life was broken,
+until the poor Consul was driven to take long country walks in sheer
+despair, not because he was fond of walking, for he hated it, but simply
+to keep the flute-player out of mischief.</p>
+
+<p>He was now debarred from all other society, for his old friends had long
+since cut him dead whenever he chanced to meet them. "How could he
+expect people to stop and talk," they asked indignantly, "when there was
+that confounded fellow blowing tunes down the backs of their necks all
+the time?"</p>
+
+<p>Duilius had had enough of it himself, and felt this so strongly that one
+day he took his flute-player a long walk through a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> lonely wood, and,
+choosing a moment when his companion had played "Id omnes faciunt" till
+he was somewhat out of breath, he turned on him suddenly. When he left
+the lonely wood he was alone, and near it something which looked as if
+it might once have been a musician.</p>
+
+<p>The Consul went home, and sat there waiting for the deed to become
+generally known. He waited with a certain uneasiness, because it was
+impossible to tell how the Senate might take the thing, or the means by
+which their vengeance would declare itself.</p>
+
+<p>And yet his uneasiness was counterbalanced by a delicious relief: the
+State might disgrace, banish, put him to death even, but he had got rid
+of slow music for ever; and as he thought of this, the stately Duilius
+would snap his fingers and dance with secret delight.</p>
+
+<p>All disposition to dance, however, was forgotten upon the arrival of
+lictors bearing an official missive. He looked at it for a long time
+before he dared to break the big seal, and cut the cord which bound the
+tablets which might contain his doom.</p>
+
+<p>He did it at last; and smiled with relief as he began to read: for the
+decree was courteously, if not affectionately, worded. The Senate,
+considering (or affecting to consider) the disappearance of the
+flute-player a mere accident, expressed their formal regret at the
+failure of the provision made in his honour.</p>
+
+<p>Then, as he read on, Duilius dashed the tablets into small fragments,
+and rolled on the ground, and tore his hair, and howled; for the
+senatorial decree concluded by a declaration that, in consideration of
+his brilliant exploits, the State hereby placed at his disposal two more
+flute-players, who, it was confidently hoped, would survive the wear and
+tear of their ministrations longer than the first.</p>
+
+<p>Duilius retired to his room and made his will, taking care to have it
+properly signed and attested. Then he fastened himself in; and when they
+broke down the door next day they found a lifeless corpse, with a
+strange sickly smile upon its pale lips.</p>
+
+<p>No one in Rome quite made out the reason of this smile, but it was
+generally thought to denote the gratification of the deceased at the
+idea of leaving his beloved ones in comfort, if not in luxury; for,
+though the bulk of his fortune was left to Carthaginian charities, he
+had had the forethought to bequeath a flute-player apiece to his wife
+and mother-in-law.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>From</i> "<span class="smcap">The Black Poodle</span>," <i>by permission
+of Messrs. Longmans, Green, &amp; Co.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="THE_TROUBLES_OF_A_TRIPLET" id="THE_TROUBLES_OF_A_TRIPLET"></a>THE TROUBLES OF A TRIPLET.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">W. Beatty-Kingston.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I am, I really think, the most unlucky man on earth;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A triple sorrow haunts me, and has done so from my birth.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My lot in life's a gloomy one, I think you will agree;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis bad enough to be a twin&mdash;but I am one of three!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">No sooner were we born than Pa and Ma the bounty claimed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I scarce can bear to think they did&mdash;it makes me feel ashamed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They got it, too, within a week, and spent it, I'll be bound,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Upon themselves&mdash;at least, I know I never had <i>my</i> pound.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Our childhood's days in ignorance were lamentably spent,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Although I think we more than paid the taxes, and the rent;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For we were shown as marvels, and&mdash;unless I'm much deceived&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The smallest contributions were most thankfully received.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We grew up hale and hearty&mdash;would we never had been born!&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As like to one another as three peas, or ears of corn.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Between my brothers <i>Ichabod</i>, <i>Abimelech</i> and me<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No difference existed which the human eye could see.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">This likeness was the cause of dreadful suffering and pain<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To me in early life&mdash;it nearly broke my heart in twain;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For while my conduct as a youth was fervently admired,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That of my fellow-triplets left a deal to be desired.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I was amiable, and pious, too&mdash;good deeds were my delight,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I practised all the virtues&mdash;some by day and some by night;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whilst <i>Ichabod</i> imbrued himself in crime, and, sad to say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Abimelech</i>, when quite a lad, would rather swear than pray.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Think of my horror and dismay when, in the Park at noon,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An obvious burglar greeted me with, "Hullo, Ike, old coon!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He vanished. Suddenly my wrists were gripped by Policeman X&mdash;&mdash;,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Young man, you are my prisoner on a charge of forgin' cheques."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He ran me in, and locked me up, to moulder in a cell,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The reason why he used me thus, alas! I know too well.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He took me for <i>Abimelech</i>, my erring brother dear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who was "wanted" by the Bank of which he'd been the chief cashier.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Next morn the magistrate remarked, "This is a sad mistake,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Though natural enough, I much regret it for your sake;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But if you will permit me to advise you, I should say<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Leave England for some other country, very far away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"For if you go on living in this happy sea-girt isle,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Although your conduct (like my own) be pure and free from guile,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Your likeness to those sinful men, your brothers twain, will lead,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I fear, to very serious inconveniences indeed."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I took the hint, and sailed next day for distant Owhyhee,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As might have been expected, I was cast away at sea.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A Pirate Lugger picked me up, and&mdash;dreadful to relate&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Abimelech</i> her captain was, and <i>Ichabod</i> her mate.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I loved them and they tempted me. To join them I agreed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Forsook the path of virtue, and did many a ghastly deed.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For seven years I wallowed in my fellow-creatures' gore,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And then gave up the business, to settle down on shore.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My brothers on retiring from the buccaneering trade,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In which, I'm bound to say, colossal fortunes they had made,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Renounced their wicked courses, married young and lovely wives,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Went to church three times on Sundays, and led sanctimonious lives.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">As for me,&mdash;I somehow drifted into vileness past belief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Earned unsavoury distinction as a drunkard and a thief;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">E'en in crime, ill-luck pursued me: I became extremely poor,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And was finally compelled to beg my bread from door to door.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I'm deep down in the social scale, no lower can I sink;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Upon the whole, experience induces me to think<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That virtue is not lucrative, and honesty's all fudge,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For <i>Ichabod's</i> a Bishop&mdash;and <i>Abimelech's</i> a Judge!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>From</i> "<span class="smcap">Punch</span>,"
+<i>by permission of the Proprietors</i>.)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="SLIGHTLY_DEAF" id="SLIGHTLY_DEAF"></a>SLIGHTLY DEAF.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Bracebridge Hemming.</span></h3>
+
+<p>Mr. Loyd was a retired shopkeeper residing at The Lodge,
+Norwood. He had amassed a fortune of thirty thousand
+pounds in the grocery business, principally by sanding his sugar
+and flouring his mustard, and other little tricks of the trade.
+Yet he went to church every Sunday with a clear conscience.
+At the time I introduce him to you he was a widower with one
+son, Joseph, aged eighteen.</p>
+
+<p>Joseph was a shy, putty-faced youth, who had the misfortune
+to be deaf. "Slightly deaf," his father called him, but he grew
+worse instead of better, and threatened to become as deaf as a
+post or a beetle in time. Of course his infirmity stood in the
+way of his getting employment, for he was always making
+mistakes of a ludicrous and sometimes aggravating nature.
+Add to this that Joseph was very lean and his father very fat,
+and you will understand why people called them "Feast and
+Famine," or "Substance and Shadow."</p>
+
+<p>One morning after breakfast, Mr. Loyd, who had been
+looking over some paid bills, exclaimed, "Joe."</p>
+
+<p>Joseph was reading the paper, and made no answer.</p>
+
+<p>"Joe," thundered his father.</p>
+
+<p>This time the glasses on the sideboard rang, and Joseph got
+up, walked to the window and looked out.</p>
+
+<p>"What are you doing?" shouted Mr. Loyd.</p>
+
+<p>"I thought I heard the wind blow," replied Joseph.</p>
+
+<p>"Well! I like that; it was I calling."</p>
+
+<p>"You!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir."</p>
+
+<p>Joseph invariably grew very angry if he did not hear anybody,
+for he was ashamed of his deafness; but he often fell into
+a brown study and was as deaf as an adder.</p>
+
+<p>Besides this he was more deaf on one side than on the other,
+as is often the case, and he happened to have his very bad ear
+turned to his father.</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you speak out?" said he.</p>
+
+<p>"I did," replied Mr. Loyd.</p>
+
+<p>"You always mumble."</p>
+
+<p>"I halloaed loud enough to wake the dead."</p>
+
+<p>"You know I'm slightly deaf."</p>
+
+<p>"Slightly! You'll have to buy an ear-trumpet."</p>
+
+<p>"Trumpet be blowed," answered Joseph.</p>
+
+<p>"Here, put these bills on the file," exclaimed Mr. Loyd,
+pointing to the bundle.</p>
+
+<p>Joseph advanced to the table, took up the bills, and deliberately
+threw them into the fire, where they were soon blazing merrily.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Mr. Loyd uttered a cry of dismay, sprang up and ran to the
+grate, but he was too late to save them.</p>
+
+<p>"You double-barrelled idiot!" he cried.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the fuss now?" asked Joseph calmly.</p>
+
+<p>He always was as cool as a cucumber, no matter what he did.</p>
+
+<p>"You'll never be worth your salt."</p>
+
+<p>"What's my fault?"</p>
+
+<p>"I said salt."</p>
+
+<p>"Keep quiet and I'll get you some."</p>
+
+<p>"No!" roared Mr. Loyd.</p>
+
+<p>"What did you say so for then? It seems to me you don't
+know your own mind two minutes together."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Loyd stamped his foot with impatience on the carpet.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh dear! what a trial you are," he exclaimed. "They
+are receipted bills, and I told you to put them on the file.
+F. I. L. E. Do you hear that?"</p>
+
+<p>"I hear it now," responded Joe. "It's a pity you won't speak up."</p>
+
+<p>"So I do."</p>
+
+<p>"They'll never call you leather-lungs."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh Joe, Joe! you'll be the death of me. You're a duffer,
+and it is no use saying you're not. I was going to tell you I'd
+got a berth for you, but I'm afraid you could not keep it."</p>
+
+<p>"What is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Clerk in the office of my old friend, Mr. Maybrick, the
+stockbroker."</p>
+
+<p>"Eh!" said Joseph. "What's a mockstoker?"</p>
+
+<p>"A stockbroker," shouted Mr. Loyd.</p>
+
+<p>"Why didn't you say so at first. Do you think I don't
+know what that is? I'm not quite such a fool as that comes to."</p>
+
+<p>"You'd aggravate a saint, Joe."</p>
+
+<p>"Paint your toe! Have you gone mad?"</p>
+
+<p>"Great heavens! I shall hit you; get out," shrieked his father.</p>
+
+<p>"Got the gout. Oh! that's another thing. I thought you'd
+have it. You drink too much port after dinner."</p>
+
+<p>"I say, Joe," cried Mr. Loyd, "are you doing this on
+purpose? You don't understand a word I say; in fact, you
+misconstrue everything."</p>
+
+<p>"If that is so I can't help it."</p>
+
+<p>"You're getting worse."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't do that," replied Joe gravely.</p>
+
+<p>"Eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't curse me. If I am deaf, that is to say slightly deaf,
+it is my misfortune, not my fault; you ought to make allowance
+for me, and speak louder."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you want me to be a foghorn, or a river steam tug?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly not."</p>
+
+<p>"Or a cavalry man's trumpet, or a bellowing bull?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, father."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Or," continued Mr. Loyd with rising temper, "a spouting
+whale, an Old Bailey barrister, a town-crier, a grampus, a
+locomotive blowing off steam, an Australian bell-bird, or a
+laughing jackass?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'm sure I never laugh, so you needn't fling that at me."</p>
+
+<p>"I wish you were dumb as well as deaf," groaned Mr. Loyd.</p>
+
+<p>"Why?"</p>
+
+<p>"Because I might then get you into the asylum."</p>
+
+<p>"File 'em," muttered Joseph. "He's still thinking of the bills."</p>
+
+<p>"Confound him," muttered his father. "He's worse than a
+county court judgment. I don't know what to do with him."</p>
+
+<p>To soothe his nerves he lighted a cigar, and looking in the fire
+puffed away at the weed, while Joe again took up the paper and
+went on reading.</p>
+
+<p>Half-an-hour passed.</p>
+
+<p>Then Mr. Loyd said, "You know you're getting worse, but
+you're so obstinate you won't admit it, and it's six to four
+you'll not yield."</p>
+
+<p>Joseph looked up with irritating calmness.</p>
+
+<p>"No, thanks," he exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean?"</p>
+
+<p>"I never bet."</p>
+
+<p>"Who talked about betting?" yelled his father.</p>
+
+<p>"You offered six to four on the field, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't. Yah!"</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind; I sha'n't take you," replied Joseph.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Loyd got up and did a war dance.</p>
+
+<p>"Who asked you to?"</p>
+
+<p>"You did. It only wants six weeks to the Derby, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Loyd lost all control over himself for the moment. He
+took up the coal-scuttle and threw it at his son, which was a very
+reprehensible thing to do; but it did not hurt Joseph, for that
+intelligent youth saw it coming, and ducking his head, it went
+with a crash through the window into the street.</p>
+
+<p>"That's a clever thing to do," said Joseph, without so much
+as winking. "You need not get mad because I won't bet."</p>
+
+<p>His father shook his fist at him.</p>
+
+<p>"You'll be my death," he replied, sinking into a chair with a
+gasp.</p>
+
+<p>"I can't help it if I am deaf," rejoined the imperturbable
+Joseph.</p>
+
+<p>"You're sharper than a serpent's tooth."</p>
+
+<p>"It wasn't very sharp of you to break the window."</p>
+
+<p>"Go to Putney!"</p>
+
+<p>"Where am I to get putty?" said Joseph. "Send for a
+glazier."</p>
+
+<p>"Bless us and save us!" groaned Mr. Loyd.</p>
+
+<p>"There isn't much saving in having a broken window to
+catch cold by."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Mr. Loyd rushed into the hall, and taking down his hat and
+coat from the rack, put them on.</p>
+
+<p>"Come up to town at once," he exclaimed; "we'll go and see
+Mr. Maybrick."</p>
+
+<p>"What's the good of a hayrick?" asked Joseph simply.</p>
+
+<p>"Eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"You can't stop a hole in a window with a hayrick."</p>
+
+<p>"I said Maybrick, the broker," roared Mr. Loyd, putting his
+hands to his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>"I do wish you'd speak out."</p>
+
+<p>"Get a trumpet. Yah!"</p>
+
+<p>"Trump it! we're not playing whist."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh dear!" sighed Mr. Loyd. "He must be apprenticed
+to Maybrick. I'll pay a premium if it's a hundred pounds. I'm
+not a hog, and don't want to enjoy this all by myself. I'll
+share it with another. It's too much for one to struggle with.
+I can't undertake the worry single-handed, it's too much."</p>
+
+<p>He had to go close up to Joseph and bawl in his ear to make
+him understand what he wanted, for he had never found his
+son's deafness so bad as it was that day.</p>
+
+<p>Joseph was quite willing to go, and quitting the house, they
+took the train and went to town together.</p>
+
+<p>It was yet early in the day, and they reached the broker's
+office about twelve, finding him in and at leisure. During the
+journey, Mr. Loyd had impressed upon Joseph the necessity of
+keeping his ears open as well as he could, for if he made any
+mistakes he would soon get "chucked," as they say in the City,
+and Joe promised to be as wideawake as his infirmity would
+permit him.</p>
+
+<p>How wideawake this was, we shall see.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Maybrick had done business with Mr. Loyd for many
+years, and received him in his private office with all the cordiality
+of an old friend.</p>
+
+<p>"Brought my boy to introduce to you," exclaimed the retired
+grocer.</p>
+
+<p>"Very glad to know the young gentleman," replied Mr.
+Maybrick; "take a chair. Have a cigar. Quite a chip of the
+old block, I see; what's his name?"</p>
+
+<p>"Joseph. Joe for short."</p>
+
+<p>"Very good; now what can I do for you, are you going to
+open stock?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not to-day."</p>
+
+<p>"Markets are very firm."</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't come for that purpose, Maybrick; I want to get the
+youngster into your office."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! yes," answered the broker, "I forgot; you spoke
+about it a little while ago."</p>
+
+<p>"Last time I was up, when I bought those 'Russians'!"</p>
+
+<p>"Against my advice, and burnt your fingers over them."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"True."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll take him. One hundred pounds premium, no salary first year,
+then seventy pounds and an annual rise according to ability."</p>
+
+<p>"That will do."</p>
+
+<p>"I hope he's smart."</p>
+
+<p>"Smart as a steel trap, though sometimes he's a little absent-minded;
+and you've got to speak loudly, maybe more than once, but that's only
+now and again. I'll write you a cheque and leave him here, so that he
+will know the ropes."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well, I daresay we shall get on. I've ten clerks, and I've only
+changed once in ten years."</p>
+
+<p>"That speaks well for you."</p>
+
+<p>"I read character, and I'm kind," said Mr. Maybrick. "Sit at my table,
+you'll find pen and ink."</p>
+
+<p>While Mr. Loyd was getting out his cheque-book and writing the draft,
+Mr. Maybrick turned his attention to his new clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you ever been out before?" he queried.</p>
+
+<p>"Go out of the door?" replied Joe. "Yes sir, if you want to say anything
+of a private nature, I'll go with pleasure."</p>
+
+<p>"No! no! do you understand work?"</p>
+
+<p>"I beg your pardon, I sha'n't shirk anything."</p>
+
+<p>"Bless me!" cried the broker, "I mean do you know business?"</p>
+
+<p>"No business," answered Joseph, with a solemn shake of the head; "I am
+sorry for that; times are dull though, all round."</p>
+
+<p>"I've got plenty, you mistake me, don't run away with that idea, you
+won't find this an easy place."</p>
+
+<p>"Got a greasy face, have I?" responded Joseph. "It's not very polite of
+you to tell me that."</p>
+
+<p>"What the&mdash;&mdash;" began Mr. Maybrick, when Joe's father handed him the
+cheque.</p>
+
+<p>"There's the needful," exclaimed Mr. Loyd.</p>
+
+<p>"Thanks," replied the broker, adding, "I say, old friend isn't Master
+Joseph a little hard of hearing?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! ah! not that exactly."</p>
+
+<p>"What then?"</p>
+
+<p>"He's got a cold in his head."</p>
+
+<p>"Is that all?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, he got his feet wet," said Mr. Loyd confidentially,
+"and I had to bawl at him this morning."</p>
+
+<p>"I thought he was, ahem! a little deaf."</p>
+
+<p>"Bless you no, raise your voice, that's all you've got to do."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! I see. It's bad to be like that," answered Mr. Maybrick,
+whose doubts were removed. "The weather's been so
+bad, everyone has had cold more or less."</p>
+
+<p>Telling the intelligent Joseph that he should expect him home
+to dinner at seven, Mr. Loyd took leave of the broker, who gave
+his new clerk some accounts to enter in a book, saying that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>
+he might sit in his office for the remainder of that day and
+he would find him desk-room on the morrow, after which he
+hurried away to see what was going on in the general room.</p>
+
+<p>Joseph hung up his hat and coat, and set to work. He certainly
+meant to do his best. They say a certain place, which
+the Hebrews call Sheol, is paved with good intentions; anyhow
+the fates were against him. Never before had his deafness been
+so bad. It seemed to have swooped down upon and swamped
+him all at once.</p>
+
+<p>Scarcely had he begun his work than he was startled by the
+ringing of a bell.</p>
+
+<p>It was just over his head and proceeded from the telephone.</p>
+
+<p>Now Joseph knew just as much about a telephone as he did
+about the phonograph or the dot-and-dash system of telegraphy.</p>
+
+<p>He sprang from his chair, turned ghastly pale, and fancied
+it was an alarm of fire.</p>
+
+<p>What should he do?</p>
+
+<p>For fully a minute he stood gazing vacantly at the box and
+the bell.</p>
+
+<p>Then it rang again.</p>
+
+<p>Joseph jumped half-a-foot in the air.</p>
+
+<p>Then he rushed into the general room, where he found Mr.
+Maybrick talking to a client.</p>
+
+<p>"Please sir, can I disturb you for a moment?" he said.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm very particularly engaged, Loyd," replied the broker.</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me, but&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"What is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"There's a bell ringing."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! the telephone. I forgot to tell you to attend to it."</p>
+
+<p>"It's rung twice."</p>
+
+<p>"Then somebody is in a hurry. Answer and come and tell
+me what it is."</p>
+
+<p>"How do you do it, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"Speak through the instrument, ask who it is, and what he
+wants, and put the tube to your ear."</p>
+
+<p>The fright had somewhat stimulated Joseph's powers of hearing,
+for he caught these instructions and hastened back to the
+inner office. After a little experimenting he put himself in
+communication, and the following colloquy ensued.</p>
+
+<p>"Who is it?" asked Joe.</p>
+
+<p>"Oliphant," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>"Elephant," mused Joe. "That's funny."</p>
+
+<p>But he went at it again.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you want?"</p>
+
+<p>"By one o'clock, sell 10,000 Mex. Rails."</p>
+
+<p>Joe heard this order imperfectly.</p>
+
+<p>"Buy 10,000 ox-tails," he said to himself. "This is a queer business."</p>
+
+<p>Yet he was not discouraged.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Joe had not come into the City for nothing. He meant to do
+his duty or perish in the attempt.</p>
+
+<p>"Right," he answered. "Is that all?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes. I'll call after lunch for the contract note."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well, sir."</p>
+
+<p>Having received his instructions, Joe, very proud of his success
+in manipulating such a peculiar instrument as the telephone,
+sought his employer.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Loyd," exclaimed that gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>"It's all right, sir," replied Joe.</p>
+
+<p>"What is?"</p>
+
+<p>"The elephant wants you to buy him 10,000 ox-tails."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Maybrick elevated his eyebrows.</p>
+
+<p>"Who did you say?" he demanded in a loud voice.</p>
+
+<p>"The elephant."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Oliphant, I suppose you mean."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! it might have been Oliphant, or Boliphant, it was
+something like that."</p>
+
+<p>"Ox-tails. Why not Mex. Rails.? Mexican Railways, you
+know."</p>
+
+<p>"Humph," said Joe, "very likely."</p>
+
+<p>"Are you sure he said 'buy?'"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! yes, sir, that was distinct enough, and he said he'd
+come after lunch for the distracting note."</p>
+
+<p>"Contract note."</p>
+
+<p>"It may be that. The gentleman did not speak very
+distinctly."</p>
+
+<p>"Oliphant has a low voice," said Mr. Maybrick, thoughtfully,
+"but he's one of my best customers. Perhaps he's heard something;
+he must have got some information. I'll have a bit in
+this myself. Oliphant is a very shrewd and careful speculator.
+That will do, Loyd."</p>
+
+<p>Joseph departed, highly delighted.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha! ha!" laughed Mr. Maybrick when Joe had gone,
+"my new clerk is an odd one; 'Buy 10,000 ox-tails for the
+elephant,' that's good. I must tell that story in the House."</p>
+
+<p>He beckoned to his manager, who was a man named Mappin,
+and told him to buy the required quantity of Mexican railway
+stock.</p>
+
+<p>"Market's very weak, sir. It's fallen to-day one half already
+in anticipation of a bad dividend," replied Mappin.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't help that."</p>
+
+<p>Mappin went away to execute the order.</p>
+
+<p>An hour elapsed, and a special edition of an evening paper
+was brought into the office.</p>
+
+<p>It contained a telegram from Mexico, stating that there had
+not been one revolution, and two earthquakes in that country
+before breakfast, as usual, that morning. The railway dividend
+was remarkably good, and Mexican Preference Stock went up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>
+five per cent., at which price the broker took upon himself to
+close the account, thinking his client would be well satisfied with
+his profits.</p>
+
+<p>"Clever fellow, Oliphant," muttered Mr. Maybrick; "up to
+every move on the board. Deuced clever!"</p>
+
+<p>At that moment Mr. Oliphant, who was a stout, red-faced
+man, inclined to apoplexy, rushed into the office.</p>
+
+<p>He was agitated, and looked as if he was going to have a fit.</p>
+
+<p>"Close the account," he gasped.</p>
+
+<p>"I have done so," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>"What at?"</p>
+
+<p>"A rise of five per cent."</p>
+
+<p>"It will ruin me," groaned Oliphant.</p>
+
+<p>"How? you telephoned me to buy."</p>
+
+<p>"I said 'sell.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Then my clerk made a mistake," exclaimed Maybrick; "but
+it's a lucky mistake for both you and I, for I followed your
+lead."</p>
+
+<p>"You're joking!"</p>
+
+<p>"Never was more serious in my life. I'll give you a cheque
+at once."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Oliphant's face brightened.</p>
+
+<p>"And I'll give your wooden-headed clerk a ten pound note,"
+he said.</p>
+
+<p>"That may console him for his dismissal," said Maybrick,
+dryly.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you going to get rid of him?"</p>
+
+<p>"Most decidedly. I cannot afford to keep a clerk who makes
+errors of that kind. This time it has come out all right; next
+time it may be all wrong."</p>
+
+<p>"Just so," replied Mr. Oliphant.</p>
+
+<p>He handed Maybrick the ten pounds, which the broker gave
+to Mappin, telling him to present it to Joseph, and inform him
+that his services would not be any longer required, and the
+premium his father had paid should be returned by post. Then
+the broker gave Mr. Oliphant his unexpected profits, and they
+went out to have a bottle of champagne together.</p>
+
+<p>Mappin sought Joseph.</p>
+
+<p>"What are you doing?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Doing sums," replied Joe, which was his idea of book-keeping.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you need not do any more."</p>
+
+<p>"No, I don't think it a bore," said Joe. "It's all in the
+day's work, don't you know?"</p>
+
+<p>"You're not wanted here."</p>
+
+<p>"Can't I hear? what do you know about it?"</p>
+
+<p>"The fool's deaf," cried Mappin, raising his voice. "Take
+this tenner and go."</p>
+
+<p>Joe heard this plain enough.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Sacked!" he said, laconically.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," replied Mappin, nodding his head vigorously.</p>
+
+<p>"What for?"</p>
+
+<p>"Playing the fool with the telephone. We've no use for you."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! very well. I thought I shouldn't answer."</p>
+
+<p>"You see, we don't run our business on the silent system."</p>
+
+<p>Joe put on his hat and coat, with that perfect unconcern which
+always distinguished him.</p>
+
+<p>"Good morning," he said, pocketing the note. "I say, I
+don't think much of telephones, do you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, it's a very clever invention."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! there's no accounting for taste."</p>
+
+<p>With these words Joseph quitted the office, and took a walk
+in the City.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>From</i> "<span class="smcap">Awful Stories</span>," <i>by permission of</i>
+Messrs. <span class="smcap">Diprose &amp; Bateman</span>.)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="THE_LADY_FREEMASON" id="THE_LADY_FREEMASON"></a>THE LADY FREEMASON.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">H. T. Craven.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i1">Vainly we seek it, Sanscrit or Greek writ<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In hist'ry, the myst'ry of Solomon's secret:&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The dark queen of Sheba p'raps tried to get hold of it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But didn't; at least if she <i>did</i>, we're not told of it.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If McAbel of Lodge number one lets it slip,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His brother O'Cain of Lodge two, gives the grip<br /></span>
+<span class="i1"><i>&Agrave; la garotte</i> they say. Be that as it may,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Cowan is somehow put out of the way.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So now if you've fear for my prudence, dispel it;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">First place, I don't know&mdash;next, I don't mean to tell it<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But praise a shrewd guess, if you think I deserve it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The cream of the secret is&mdash;<i>how to preserve it</i>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A sworn brother mason who'd ever disseminate<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His knowledge, or blab, would be worse than effeminate!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On feminine weakness, though, let me be reticent,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Rememb'ring the tale of the famous Miss Betty St.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ledger, whose name sheds a permanent grace on<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One fifty&mdash;the Lodge of the Lady Freemason.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i1">My Lord Doneraile, Ne'er known to fail<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In duties masonic, held land in entail<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span><span class="i0">With a mansion near Dublin, of such wide dimension,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That a Freemason's Lodge of no little pretension<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was warranted, charter'd, and duly appointed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And worshipful ruler my lord was anointed.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No master, 'twas said, ever laid down the law so;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No masons kept secrets so sacred&mdash;or swore so!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">None drill'd and so skill'd were, in sep'rate degree,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By the P. M. presiding (of course my Lord D.)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It beggars description&mdash;you'd fail to appreciate<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The hubbub within when they met to '<i>initiate</i>.'<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i1">Such tyling and tapping, Such knocking and rapping,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Such shrieks and such squeaks&mdash;such clapping and slapping<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Such mauling and hauling and tearing and swearing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Such whisp'ring of secrets and 'tell-if-you-dare'-ing&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Such groans and such yells, And such roast-goosey smells,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When the poker was used&mdash;like the scene in 'The Bells'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You doubtless have thought so appalling&mdash;enerving&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You'd think 'twas some madman, who thought himself Irving;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The cauterization, On good information,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Amounted, I say, to a partial cremation;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And sore on the subject were all Erin's gay sons<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Next day, when the boys gave 'em sauce for 'fried masons.'<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Be it known that Miss Betty was Doneraile's daughter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And one Richard Aldworth aspired to court her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet made his advances with progress so scanty,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He really remain'd much <i>in statu quo ante</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">His motto was '<i>Spero</i>,' But hope was at zero;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the lady's eye Dick didn't pose as a hero<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When her father, Lord Doneraile, ask'd of him, whether<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He'd join the F.M.'s; he had shown the white feather!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whereat the proud beauty declared that no other<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Should e'er be <i>her</i> slave than 'a man and a <i>brother</i>':<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So Dick, having dined, and not quite <i>compos mentis</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Agreed to go in for an 'entered apprentice.'<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The eve had arrived, and the hall so baronial,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was deck'd in due form for the night's ceremonial;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Miss Betty, in passing downstairs, chanced to see<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Tho' the Chubb had been lock'd, they had left in the key<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of a small ante-room of some minor utility,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But prized by the Lodge for its accessibility:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Miss said to herself, 'Tho' I fear the attempt, I<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Should like just to see what a Lodge is like&mdash;empty!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Oh! daughters of Eve, There are some who believe<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Your tongues are your weakness&mdash;your failing, verbosity;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">While others contend, You'll never amend<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of that fault Mrs. Bluebeard possess'd&mdash;curiosity!<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span><span class="i0">Now I&mdash;though I'd fain dub such slanders as petty&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Own they do say as much of dear, charming Miss Betty:<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Tho' found to be equal, To hold tongue or speak well<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With other good masons&mdash;but wait for the sequel!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">In through this outer door&mdash;closing it warily;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Out through an inner door&mdash;softly and fairyly&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>She's there!</i> In the Lodge, where wax tapers are blazing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All deftly arranged with precision amazing:&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the east for the Worshipful Boss is a throne.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the west, Senior Warden&mdash;the places all shown<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(No doubt to prevent any squabbles or wrangles)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Initiall'd on chair-backs, in gilded triangles;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On a table deep myst'ries we must not unravel&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Mallet, the Plumb, and the Gauge, and the Gavel!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Other engines whose uses we fear to unriddle&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Thumb-screw&mdash;the Pincers&mdash;a Poker&mdash;a Griddle!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With tapers and papers and paraphernalia,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Blue ribbons and jewels and things call'd 'Regalia!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The silence and solitude there were delicious;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And any one caring to feel superstitious,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Might fancy the ghosts of freemasons, translated<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To Lodges above&mdash;or below&mdash;reinstated,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Array'd in their mouldy old aprons; each brother<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Past Master, who'd passed from this world to another.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But horror of horrors! whilst here she was musing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Came footsteps without, and&mdash;oh! sound most confusing!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She heard the key turned. (That same key that beguiled<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the first-mention'd door.) <i>Now</i> 'twas lock'd and fast tyled!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She rush'd to the ante-room, wild to get back,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But this cooled her courage, 'twas now <i>cul de sac</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And hark! In the Lodge&mdash;to augment her disaster&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Masons assembling, escorting the Master!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To hide while she thought how to 'scape from mishap,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She closed t'other door of this snug little trap;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That door has a crevice, and thereby new woes arise,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To secrets forbidden in vain 'tis to close her eyes;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How can she but note the masonic particulars,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With no cotton-wool to cram in her auriculars?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She heard her dad ask, most distinctly&mdash;and trembled<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At Dogberry's words&mdash;"Are we here all dissembled?"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Then commenced ceremonials misty and mystical,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Questions and answers in form catechistical.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My lord, in a tone both emphatic and sonorous,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Impressing on each that his duties were onerous;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(One duty, to Betty, seem'd highly improper&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twas 'kill, without questioning, any eavesdropper!')<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span><span class="i0">When the master, with sudden and well-feigned dismay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For he very well knew that he'd got it to say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Cried 'Hark, there is danger, I feel that a stranger<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Who's seeking for knowledge is coming this way!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Each took up a napkin&mdash;the end dipt in water,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And cried '<i>Porkitotius!</i> Give him no quarter!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While outside the door sundry knocks loud and clamorous<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(As Vulcan might deal when in humour sledge-hammerous)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Were echoed within by three knocks&mdash;just the same,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With the pertinent query&mdash;'How now! What's your game?'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a chap (<i>d&eacute;shabill&eacute;</i>) in great perturbation<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is 'run in,' very much like a prig to a station.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Disguised as he was, through the <i>&agrave;-propos</i> hole<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The lady identified Aldworth's red poll,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And thought, 'Well, I wish you, poor fellow, good luck,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Or&mdash;more to the purpose&mdash;I wish you, good pluck!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For her father was urging in solemn oration,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'You need, my young friend, for your fearful probation<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Endurance&mdash;true Courage&mdash;and strong Veneration!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'We commence with (don't grin, sir!) a pleasant frivolity:&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Just give of Endurance a taste of your quality;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">''Tis nothing&mdash;a towelling. Brothers, prepare!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then each had a flick at Dick's legs&mdash;which were bare:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He danced and he pranced at each cut of the towel<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And prod from the rear with a sharp-pointed trowel,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And look'd&mdash;as he caper'd in lily-white kilt&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The ghost of a Highlander dancing a lilt.<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">To Scotch eyes, however, The steps might seem clever,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dick show'd less a hero in Betty's than ever,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And shock'd, when he cried&mdash;cutting up rather rough&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'D longstroke your optics&mdash;hold hard! That's enough!'<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Enough?' said the worshipful, 'Yes, of this fun!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Stern proof of your courage has not yet begun;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'D'ye hear, sir, those knocks? Brothers, let in the stoker,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'And form a procession to bring in the poker!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'See the surgeon is ready to make all secure<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'With lancet and tourniquet, bandage and ligature!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">But why freeze your marrow&mdash;Your feelings why harrow?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Your hearts are too soft and our space is too narrow<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To tell all the horrors! 'Twould fill you with awe<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To listen to half that Elizabeth saw:&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let us come to Dick's howl&mdash;such a howl!&mdash;which as soon<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As she heard it, Miss Betty fell down in a swoon<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">All in a lump, With a bump and a thump<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That made all the brothers to gape and to jump.<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And turn pale and cry, 'Bedad there's a spy<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Shut up in that closet, and there he shall die!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span><span class="i0">To rush to the chamber&mdash;to find what was in it<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And seize the eavesdropper&mdash;was the work of a minute;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">To lift up and shake her, To rouse up and wake her<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To consciousness&mdash;then in the Lodge-room to take her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was work for six brothers, who cried as they brought her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">'We've sought her and caught her!' My lord cried, 'My daughter!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And sunk down as needing, himself, a supporter:&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">In rush'd the tylers, Crusty old file-ers!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With anger 'a busting their blessed old bilers;'<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Looking so grim at her, One raised his cimeter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And to very short shift was advancing to limit her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As 'Hold!' cried my lord, 'Hear your master&mdash;or rather,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'I'd speak to you all, as her judge&mdash;not her father!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Perchance she knows nothing, and, if she will swear it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Her life shall be spared&mdash;<i>I</i>, your <i>Master</i>, will spare it!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Oh, tell me, my child, what you've seen&mdash;what you've heard?'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The truthful girl sobb'd, 'Ev'ry act! ev'ry word!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Alas,' faltered he, 'you have seal'd your own doom!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And 'Down with the spy!' cried each one in the room;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">One raised a dagger, Some shouted 'Scrag her!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some raised a trap-door, and rush'd forward to drag her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When a voice like a thunder-clap topp'd all the rest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And Dick semi-dress'd Presented his breast<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Before her, 'Strike <i>here</i>!' was his manly request:<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">'Strike me if you dare, By jingo, I swear<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Of her you shall touch not so much as a hair!<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">'I mean, my good sirs, Whatever occurs<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'To your lives or mine, you shall not take <i>hers</i>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Her white arm how dare you place finger or fist on?'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And Dick, shooting out his own arm like a piston,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Knock'd over a senior warden who held her;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sent spinning a middle-aged junior&mdash;his elder,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Hit out at a tyler, A blatant reviler,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Mash'd the mug of a masher call'd 'Tim' the Beguiler;'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Look out!' cried another, 'The Saxon's a bruiser!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And straightway got one on his 'conk'&mdash;a confuser!<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">A dozen unitedly Shouted excitedly<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Fell him, or else this young fellow will wallop us!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Down went two deacons, Not very weak ones,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a blow on the nose of the third burst a polypus,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When the hero (Dick now at the title arrives,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Denied him before he had handled his fives,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">So many bawling, Reeling and sprawling,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For each brother knocked down another in falling),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Had 'flutter'd the Voices' from east to the west,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He paused like a warrior taking his rest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or Spartan who'd caused lots of Persians to topple, he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Took breath&mdash;as <i>he</i> did at a place call'd Thermopyl&aelig;.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Now outspoke my lord in a masterful way,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'A truce and a parley! I've something to say!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">''Tis writ in our laws "If an eavesdropper pries<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'And filches our secrets, he (mark the <small>HE</small>!) dies!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Now this is a <i>she</i>&mdash;therefore <i>not</i> an eavesdropper;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'To kill her, I say, would be highly improper<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">'Unless she objects. To do as directs<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'The master (c'est moi!). Now mark what I say next!<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">'Let's make her a mason, And put a good face on<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'The matter, believing she'll prove not a base one;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'I'll take on myself&mdash;ending doubt and confusion&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'To write to Great Queen Street and get absolution!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Then upspake the stoker&mdash;A regular croaker,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'I'd like to know how you'll get over the poker!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Long ago,' said my lord&mdash;-the precise <i>annus mundi</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'I can't call to mind&mdash;<i>regno Coli Jucundi</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">('A monarch whose province was Pipo-cum-Fiddlum&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'A part of the region of Great Tarrididdlom)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Sundry by-laws were pass'd for emergencies various<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Whereby the submission to brand is vicarious:<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">'Will some volunteer (<i>Her</i> substitute here)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Submit to the crucial test? 'Tis severe!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Dick on now spake, 'E'en to the stake<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'I'll go, like a martyr, as proxy to take<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'All over again for the dear lady's sake;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'That is (here he tenderly glanced), she approving?'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'I do!' said the maiden, in accent quite loving.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Agreed!' shouted all who'd been punch'd, 'Be it so!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Glad, no doubt, of the chance to give Dick <i>quid pro quo</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The lady withdrew, in well-guarded condition;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The deck's quickly clear'd for the second edition<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Of flicks and of kicks, Pinching and licks,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Twingeing and singeing&mdash;but murmur of Dick's<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">None heard e'en a word; he was truly heroic,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And went through it all with a smile, like a stoic;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And when he&mdash;so rumpled from processes recent&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Retired to make himself decently decent,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Miss St. Ledger return'd&mdash;resolution her face on&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Took the oaths, and was enter'd a 'Prenticed Freemason!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<h4>Moral.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">When you meet with a mason, just mention this lass;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I warrant she'll prove an excuse for a glass!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If he's a true brother, the toast is a favourite,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He's good for a bottle, but mind <i>you</i> don't pay for it!<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">You've but to edge her Name in, and pledge her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Lady Freemason&mdash;<span class="smcap">Miss Betty St. Ledger</span>!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="WHAT_HAPPENED_LAST_NIGHT" id="WHAT_HAPPENED_LAST_NIGHT"></a>WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!</h2>
+
+<h3><i>From the French of M. Charles Monselet, by</i><br />
+<span class="smcap">F. B. Harrison</span>.</h3>
+
+<p>I cannot deceive myself&mdash;I was horribly tipsy last night.
+Let him who has never been in the like case throw the first
+empty bottle at me!</p>
+
+<p>How did it happen? In this way. I, a civilian, reading law,
+was invited to dine at the garrison mess. I had never been at
+a similar entertainment, and I cannot but think, now that I look
+back on it, that the officers played some trick on me. I only
+knew that they were prodigiously polite, which always looks
+suspicious. From a certain point, from the third course, I
+remember very little; a sort of cloudy curtain intercepts the
+view like the curtains that come down in a pantomime, and I
+don't know whether I was Clown, or Pantaloon, or Columbine.</p>
+
+<p>Yet something must have happened to me, a great many
+things. I've been sleeping in my white tie; and then my face!
+What a shockingly yellow, dissipated face! Upon my word, it
+is a pretty affair! At my time, one-and-twenty, to be overcome
+by wine like a schoolboy out for a holiday!</p>
+
+<p>I cannot express what I think of it.</p>
+
+<p>How am I to know what happened last night? Ask my
+landlady? No; I cannot let her see how ashamed I am.
+Besides, she would only know the condition in which I came
+home; and that I can guess.</p>
+
+<p>They say that from a single bone Professor Owen can reconstruct
+an entire antediluvian animal; I must try and do something
+similar to reconstruct my existence during the last twelve
+or fourteen hours. I must get hold of two or three clues.</p>
+
+<p>Where can I find them?</p>
+
+<p>In my pockets, perhaps.</p>
+
+<p>Since I was a small boy I have always had the habit of
+stuffing them with all manner of things. Now, this is the time
+for me to search them.</p>
+
+<p>I tremble. What shall I find?<br />
+<span class='pdir'>[<i>Searches his waistcoat pocket.</i></span><br /></p>
+
+
+<p>I have gently insinuated two fingers into my waistcoat-pocket,
+and have brought out my purse. Empty! Hang it!<br />
+<span class='pdir'>[<i>Lifts his overcoat from the floor.</i></span><br /></p>
+
+
+<p>On picking up my overcoat I have found my pocket-book,
+half open, and the papers fallen from it on the carpet.</p>
+
+<p>The first of these papers which catches my eye is the <i>carte</i> of
+last night's dinner. Well, who was there? How many of us?
+Several of the fellows I knew, of course; but which of them?
+Happy thought! The <i>menu</i> will remind me of their various
+tastes and reveal their names to me.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'Oysters.' Well, I know that the Colonel is a tremendous
+hand at oysters, so I am sure he was there.</p>
+
+<p>'Mulligatawny.' That is Captain Simpkin's soup, or rather
+liquid fire, so Simpkins was there. Two of them.</p>
+
+<p>'Roast Beef.' Makes me think of little Dumerque, the
+Jersey man, who wants to be a thorough Englishman. He was
+there.</p>
+
+<p>'Saddle of Mutton.' Tom Horsley, the inveterate steeple-chaser.</p>
+
+<p>'Charlotte Russe.' That is Ned Walker, who published his
+travels from "Peterborough to Petersburg." Now I know
+pretty well who some of my fellow-guests were. As for the
+others&mdash;&mdash;<br />
+<span class='pdir'>[<i>Picks up some photographs.</i></span><br /></p>
+
+<p>Hallo! were there women at the mess? No, certainly not.
+Then we must have talked of women, and the men must have
+given me photographs of their female relatives. Strange thing
+to do! especially as I don't know the ladies. Here's an ancient
+and fish-like personage in a blue jersey. Dumerque's grandmother,
+I'll be bound. Here a stout, middle-aged dame, widow
+probably. I know Simpkins wants to marry a widow, but why
+give me her portrait?</p>
+
+<p>And this&mdash;this is charming! Quite in the modern style&mdash;low
+forehead, small nose, tiny mouth, all eyes, and what
+splendid eyes! and such lashes! She is fair, as well as one
+can judge from a photograph. And the little curls on her forehead
+are like rings of gold. And so young, a mere child. A
+lovely figure; our forefathers would have compared her to a
+rose-tree, but then our forefathers were not strong in similes.
+She has neither ear-rings nor necklace; perhaps that gives her
+that look of disdain. Disdain! she knows nothing yet of life,
+but tries to seem tired of it.  They are all like that.</p>
+
+<p>Who is she? She must be the Colonel's daughter; I've
+heard that his daughter is a pretty girl. I must have expressed
+my warm admiration of the photograph, and he must have
+responded by giving it to me. Did I ask him for her hand?
+Did he refuse it? or did he put off his reply? Perhaps that
+was why I drank too much.</p>
+
+<p>Now let me proceed. What further happened? Let me
+continue my researches.<br />
+<span class='pdir'>[<i>Tries the pockets of his overcoat.</i></span><br /></p>
+
+<p>By Jingo! Two visiting cards! The first says:</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+"Captain Wellington Spearman,<br />
+&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; <span class="smcap">First Royal Lancer Dragoons</span>."<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The other:</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+"Major Garnet Babelock Cannon,<br />
+&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; <span class="smcap">Rifle Artillery</span>."</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Now, what does it all mean? I do not know those military
+gentlemen. They must have been guests like myself. How
+do I come to have their cards? There must have been some
+dispute, some quarrel, some row. These two cards must have
+been given in exchange for two of mine.</p>
+
+<p>It all comes back to me!</p>
+
+<p>A duel&mdash;perhaps two duels!</p>
+
+<p>But duels about what? Whom did I affront? I know I'm
+an awful fire-eater when I've drank too much. But was I the
+challenger or the challenged? I think my left cheek is rather
+swollen as if from a blow; but that is mere fancy. What
+dreadful follies have I got myself into?</p>
+
+<p>I can make out some pencil marks on the first card, that of
+the Captain in the Lancer Dragoons. Yes. "Ten o'clock,
+behind St. Martin's Church."</p>
+
+<p>Ah, a hostile meeting, that is clear. I must run, perhaps I
+shall be in time.</p>
+
+<p>No, too late; it is half-past eleven.</p>
+
+<p>I am dishonoured, branded as a coward! No one will believe
+me when I say that I had a headache, and overslept myself on
+the morning of a duel.</p>
+
+<p>I have no energy to look further in my pocket. Still, one
+never knows&mdash;&mdash;<br />
+<span class='pdir'>[<i>Brings out a handkerchief.</i></span><br /></p>
+
+<p>A handkerchief&mdash;a very fine one&mdash;thin cambric. But it is
+not one of mine. There is a coronet in the corner. How did I
+come by this handkerchief? Could I have stolen it? I seem
+to be on the road to the county gaol.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, how my head aches!</p>
+
+<p>A flower is in my button-hole. How did it come there?
+Forget-me-nots; their blue eyes closed, all withered and drooping.
+I could not have bought so humble a bouquet at the
+flower-shop; it must have been given me. It was given me, it
+came to me from the fair one with golden curls. Her father
+gave it to me from her, knowing that I was about to risk my life&mdash;to
+risk my life for her sake, no doubt.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, that is it. My fears increase. I dread to know more.
+I am afraid to prosecute my researches in my pockets. I may
+find my hands full of forget-me-nots&mdash;or of blood!</p>
+
+<p>Oh! ah! by jove!</p>
+
+<p>What now?</p>
+
+<p>This overcoat is not mine. No, mine is dark grey, this is
+light grey. I have not travelled through my pockets, but
+through the pockets of somebody else.</p>
+
+<p>But then&mdash;if the coat is not mine, neither is the duel.</p>
+
+<p>Not mine the <i>carte</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Not mine the photographs.</p>
+
+<p>Not mine the forget-me-nots.</p>
+
+<p>Not mine the cards.</p>
+
+<p>I have not stolen the handkerchief.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I am all right; thank goodness I am all right!</p>
+
+<p>And my romance about the Colonel's lovely daughter&mdash;I am
+sorry about it, upon my word. At least, I am sorry for her,
+for I fear now she will never make my acquaintance.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of</i> <span class="smcap">Messrs. R. Bentley &amp; Son</span>.)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="THE_FATAL_LEGS" id="THE_FATAL_LEGS"></a>THE FATAL LEGS.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Walter Browne.</span></h3>
+
+<p>I am an actor, or rather, I call myself one. I am, however,
+"disengaged;" the more so since Widow Walker has&mdash;&mdash;. But let me not
+anticipate; which, by-the-bye, I never could have done&mdash;no matter. I
+took apartments, comfortably furnished, with a widow lady named Walker.
+I was "first floor back"; and "first floor front" was Mr. Simon Simpkin,
+of the &mdash;&mdash; Theatre. The widow always called us "first floors," either
+"back" or "front," and never by our names, although we never called her
+out of hers. If we had, she would not have come. She was an obstinate
+woman, but at times she got confused. She always called me in the
+morning, and once she called me "front," and then went to Simpkin with
+my shaving water. When I called her back, she called me something else,
+and threw the pitcher at me. I was in hot water for a while.</p>
+
+<p>The Widow Walker was fair, fat, and forty&mdash;that is, rather fair,
+extremely fat, and very forty. She might be more; at any rate her voice
+was forte too. The actor, Simpkin, was fragile and long. He played heavy
+parts, which possibly was the cause of his constant complaint that he
+had not got his share of "fat." Although lengthy, he was even less in
+his various diameters than I was, still I longed for his length. And
+why? The Widow Walker wallowed in wealth untold, and I could see she
+smiled upon the suit of Simon Simpkin. Well she might. It was
+second-hand. He, too, was a widower, or rather, he would have been if
+his wife had lived. I mean, if she had lived to be his wife. But she
+didn't. She died before the fatal knot was tied; in fact, it was not
+tied at all. No matter, he had loved before, while my suit was brand
+new. I determined to try it on. I longed to win the widow for my wife&mdash;I
+should say for myself. One day I saw the actor kiss her through the
+keyhole. We were rivals from that moment&mdash;at least I was.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> He didn't see
+me, or he would have been one too; I mean one also. That is to say there
+would have been two of us, whereas there was only one of me&mdash;no matter.</p>
+
+<p>The widow went a good deal to the theatre. She ordered him, and he gave
+her orders&mdash;that is, "passes for two." He knew her size. She always took
+"twos" in seats. He did the villains at the theatre, while I did the
+hero at home. He bellowed in blank verse, while I blew the kitchen fire
+with the bellows. He mashed her, while I mashed the potatoes for supper.
+But I determined to beard the clean-shaved lion in his lair. In short,
+or rather, at length, I obtained an engagement, and became an actor. My
+rival and myself now stood on the same footing. I mean we should have
+done, only, in a word, we didn't. Simon Simpkin, as before observed,
+indeed observed anyhow, was slender as a willow wand, and appropriately
+pliable, especially about the legs. Still, on the stage, his nether
+limbs looked round and well proportioned. His calves might pass for
+cows, and his knees were second elbows, or rather, "Elba's"&mdash;they held a
+bony part in exile.</p>
+
+<p>On the other hand&mdash;I should say legs&mdash;my tights were always loose, and
+while the widow smiled on his understanding, she smiled <i>at</i> mine. I
+thirsted for my hated rival's blood, or rather for his flesh, more
+correctly speaking, for the shape of his legs&mdash;technically, for his
+"leg-shapes." Having failed in an attempt to have his blood by means of
+a darning-needle, I determined to go for his shapes. I went for them one
+night before the performance. I went to his dressing-room and got them.
+That night the Widow Walker was in front. I was desperate. I was
+determined that she should see her Simpkin in all his naked&mdash;I should
+say his unpadded&mdash;deformity, and that mine&mdash;that is, my limbs&mdash;should be
+resplendent in his borrowed plumes. But alas, all my plans&mdash;and
+myself&mdash;were violently overthrown&mdash;by Simpkin.</p>
+
+<p>I had merely insinuated one leg in the woolly pads, when he insinuated
+another somewhere else. We argued the matter all over my dressing-room.
+Meanwhile, time jogged merrily along. The curtain was raised, and so
+were we eventually; but unfortunately I had only retained one half of
+those precious pads. The right was left on my leg, but Simpkin had
+carried off the left leg all right! What was I to do? My left leg would
+not look right, or if it did, my right would be wrong. There was no
+time, however, for consideration, as my face required sponging before
+applying the sticking-plaster, and eventually I had to hobble on to the
+stage with two odd understandings&mdash;that is, one odd one and one even
+one. Even that was odd, which appears odd&mdash;no matter.</p>
+
+<p>Fortunately I went on from the O.P. side, which enabled me to put my
+best leg foremost. In the centre of the stage I met Simpkin, who had
+entered from the prompt side. The widow<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> gazed with rapture on us both,
+until, oh, horror! after a short scene it was necessary that each of us
+should retire to the place from whence we came. We advanced towards it,
+backwards, and mutually stumbling, our other legs became exposed to
+view. A yell from the audience, the sack from the management, and a
+week's notice from the widow, subsequently greeted us. Besides which,
+Simpkin and myself are not on the best of terms. We get into argument
+when we meet in the streets. I stay at home a good deal now.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="THE_CALIPHS_JESTER" id="THE_CALIPHS_JESTER"></a>THE CALIPH'S JESTER.</h2>
+
+<h4>(FROM THE ARABIC.)</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">On a <i>musnud</i> of state was reclining the Caliph, the Mighty Haroun;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His brow like the sun it was shining, his face it was like the full moon,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And his courtiers around him were standing, like stars in an indigo sky,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the <i>saki</i> the wine-cup was handing&mdash;for the monarch, though pious, was dry.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And the poets their works were reciting in Arabic numbers divine,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The hearts of all hearers delighting with verses like Afdhal's or mine.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Then the Caliph glared round the assembly, as a lion glares round on the herd,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the knees of the courtiers grew trembly, and their hearts fluttered e'en as a bird;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And cold drops were distilled from each forehead, and each tongue to its palate did cling,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For their fear of their Caliph was horrid&mdash;he was such a passionate king!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">At length in a voice that with passion was shaking, it pleased him to speak:&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Does he know whom he treats in this fashion? Did you e'er behold aught like his cheek?<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"This poet, this jester, this chaffer, this pig's son, this bullock, this ass,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This black-hearted, black-visaged Kaffir, this Infidel, <span class="smcap">Abu Nuwas</span>!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I bade him come hither to meet us, in this serious Council of State;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And this is the way he dares treat us. Ye dogs, he is five minutes late!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Then the heart of his Highness relented; Rashid was of changeable mood;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Maybe he's been somehow prevented; to get in a rage does no good.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"His jests, too, are always so pleasant, one somehow his impudence stands;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Besides, poor Mesrour just at present has plenty of work on his hands.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"But although I can't perfectly tame him till he goes to the Nita to school,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At least I can thoroughly shame him, and make him appear like a fool.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Slaves, fetch me some eggs&mdash;not new laid&mdash;you can find some stale ones that will do.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Now execute quick what I bade you, or else I will execute <i>you</i>."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They brought him the eggs in a charger, all studded with many a pearl,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The same pattern&mdash;though just a bit larger&mdash;as that of Herodias' girl;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And the Caliph took one egg, and hid it away in his cushion, which done,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He bade them all do so. They did it; and sat down awaiting the fun.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">With an air that was saucy and braggish, with a step that was jaunty and spruce,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With a smile that was merry and waggish, with a mien that was reckless and loose,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">With a "How is your high disposition to-morrow, if God should so will?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With a "Here in our ancient position, your Majesty seeth us still!"<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">With a face all be-chalked and be-painted, with a bound through the portal doth pass<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One with whom we're already acquainted, the world-renowned Abu Nuwas!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Right welcome! Right welcome! my brother!" his Majesty smilingly spake,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"We were just now in want of another, a nice game at forfeits to make.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Whatever I do you must watch it, and each do precisely the same&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If I catch you chaps laughing you'll catch it! sit still and attend to the game.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"If you do just as I do, precisely, a <i>d&icirc;n&acirc;r</i> apiece shall ye gain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If you don't, won't I give it you nicely&mdash;Mesrour you stand by with the cane!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He spake: and the smile on his features was mischievous, cunning and grim,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the courtiers, poor awe-stricken creatures, smiled feebly and gazed upon him.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Cluck, cluck, cluck aroo!" representing the note of a jubilant hen,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Caliph arises, presenting an egg, to the sight of all men.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Cluck, cluck, cluck aroo!" and the rabble are all at once up on their legs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And with ornithological gabble display their mysterious eggs.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Then without in the least hesitating steps Abu Nuwas before all.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Cock-a-doodle doo doo!" imitating a rooster's hilarious call.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Now I know why it is that you cackle," said he, "when you're trying to talk!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And you find me a hard one to tackle, because I am <span class="smcap">Cock of the Walk</span>!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>From</i> "<span class="smcap">Temple Bar</span>," <i>by permission of the Editor</i>.)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="A_JOURNEY_IN_SEARCH_OF_NOTHING" id="A_JOURNEY_IN_SEARCH_OF_NOTHING"></a>A JOURNEY IN SEARCH OF NOTHING.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Wilkie Collins.</span></h3>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the doctor, pressing the tips of his fingers with
+a tremulous firmness on my pulse, and looking straight forward
+into the pupils of my eyes, "yes, I see: the symptoms all point
+unmistakeably towards one conclusion&mdash;Brain. My dear sir,
+you have been working too hard; you have been following the
+dangerous example of the rest of the world in this age of business
+and bustle. Your brain is over-taxed&mdash;that is your complaint.
+You must let it rest&mdash;there is your remedy."</p>
+
+<p>"You mean," I said, "that I must keep quiet, and do
+Nothing?"</p>
+
+<p>"Precisely so," replied the doctor. "You must not read or
+write; you must abstain from allowing yourself to be excited
+by society; you must have no annoyances; you must feel no
+anxieties; you must not think; you must be neither elated nor
+depressed; you must keep early hours and take an occasional
+tonic, with moderate exercise, and a nourishing but not too full
+a diet&mdash;above all, a perfect repose is essential to your restoration,
+you must go away into the country, taking any direction
+you please, and living just as you like, as long as you are quiet
+and as long as you do Nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"I presume he is not to go away into the country without
+<small>ME</small>," said my wife, who was present at the interview.</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly not," rejoined the doctor, with an acquiescent
+bow. "I look to your influence, my dear madam, to encourage
+our patient in following my directions. It is unnecessary to
+repeat them, they are so extremely simple and easy to carry
+out. I will answer for your husband's recovery if he will but
+remember that he has now only two objects in life&mdash;to keep
+quiet, and to do Nothing."</p>
+
+<p>My wife is a woman of business habits. As soon as the
+doctor had taken his leave, she produced her pocket-book, and
+made a brief abstract of his directions for our future guidance.
+I looked over her shoulder and observed that the entry ran
+thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="pblockquot">
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Rules for dear William's Restoration To Health.</span>&mdash;No
+reading; no writing; no excitement; no annoyance; no
+anxiety; no thinking. Tonic. No elation of spirits. Nice
+dinners. No depression of spirits. Dear William to take
+little walks (with me). To go to bed early. To get up early.
+<i>N.B.</i>&mdash;Keep him quiet. <i>Mem.</i> Mind he does Nothing."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mind I do nothing? No need to mind that. I have not had
+a holiday since I was a boy. Oh, blessed Idleness, after the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>
+years of merciless industry that have separated us, are you and
+I to be brought together again at last? Oh, my weary right
+hand, are you really to ache no longer with driving the ceaseless
+pen? May I, indeed, put you in my pocket and let you
+rest there, indolently, for hours together? Yes! for I am now,
+at last, to begin&mdash;doing Nothing. Delightful task that performs
+itself! Welcome responsibility that carries its weight away
+smoothly on its own shoulders!</p>
+
+<p>These thoughts shine in pleasantly on my mind after the
+doctor has taken his departure, and diffuse an easy gaiety over
+my spirits when my wife and I set forth, the next day, for the
+journey. We are not going the round of the noisy watering-places,
+nor is it our intention to accept any invitations to join
+the circles assembled by festive country friends. My wife,
+guided solely by the abstract of the doctor's directions in her
+pocket-book, has decided that the only way to keep me absolutely
+quiet, and to make sure of my doing nothing, is to take
+me to some pretty, retired village, and to put me up at a little
+primitive, unsophisticated country inn. I offer no objection to
+this project&mdash;not because I have no will of my own, and am not
+master of all my movements&mdash;but only because I happen to
+agree with my wife. Considering what a very independent
+man I am naturally, it has sometimes struck me, as a rather
+remarkable circumstance, that I always do agree with her.</p>
+
+<p>We find the pretty, retired village. A charming place, full of thatched
+cottages, with creepers at the doors, like the first easy lessons in
+drawing-masters' copy-books. We find the unsophisticated inn&mdash;just the
+sort of house that the novelists are so fond of writing about, with the
+snowy curtains, and the sheets perfumed by lavender, and the matronly
+landlady, and the amusing signpost.</p>
+
+<p>This Elysium is called the Nag's Head.</p>
+
+<p>Can the Nag's Head accommodate us? Yes, with a delightful bedroom, and a
+sweet parlour. My wife takes off her bonnet, and makes herself at home
+directly. She nods her head at me with a look of triumph. "Yes, dear, on
+this occasion also I quite agree with you. Here we have found perfect
+quiet; here we may make sure of obeying the doctor's orders; here we
+have at last discovered&mdash;Nothing."</p>
+
+<p>Nothing! Did I say Nothing? We arrive at the Nag's Head late in the
+evening, have our tea, go to bed tired with our journey, sleep
+delightfully till about three o'clock in the morning, and, at that hour,
+begin to discover that there are actually noises, even in this remote
+country seclusion. They keep fowls at the Nag's Head; and at three
+o'clock, the cock begins to crow, and the hen to cluck, under our
+window. Pastoral, my dear, and suggestive of eggs for breakfast whose
+reputation is above suspicion; but I wish these cheerful fowls did not
+wake quite so early. Are there, likewise, dogs, love, at the Nag's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>
+Head, and are they trying to bark down the crowing and clucking of the
+cheerful fowls? I should wish to guard myself against the possibility of
+making a mistake, but I think I hear three dogs. A shrill dog, who barks
+rapidly; a melancholy dog, who howls monotonously; and a hoarse dog, who
+emits barks at intervals, like minute guns. Is this going on long?
+Apparently it is. My dear, if you will refer to your pocket-book, I
+think you will find that the doctor recommended early hours. We will not
+be fretful and complain of having our morning sleep disturbed; we will
+be contented, and will only say that it is time to get up.</p>
+
+<p>Breakfast. Delicious meal, let us linger over it as long as we can,&mdash;let
+us linger, if possible, till the drowsy mid-day tranquillity begins to
+sink over this secluded village.</p>
+
+<p>Strange! but now I think of it again, do I, or do I not, hear an
+incessant hammering over the way? No manufacture is being carried on in
+this peaceful place, no new houses are being built; and yet, there is
+such a hammering, that, if I shut my eyes, I can almost fancy myself in
+the neighbourhood of a dock-yard. Waggons, too. Why does a waggon which
+makes so little noise in London, make so much noise here? Is the dust on
+the road detonating powder, that goes off with a report at every turn of
+the heavy wheels? Does the waggoner crack his whip or fire a pistol to
+encourage his horses? Children, next. Only five of them, and they have
+not been able to settle for the last half-hour what game they shall play
+at. On two points alone do they appear to be unanimous&mdash;they are all
+agreed on making a noise, and on stopping to make it under our window. I
+think I am in some danger of forgetting one of the doctor's directions;
+I rather fancy I am actually allowing myself to be annoyed.</p>
+
+<p>Let us take a turn in the garden, at the back of the house. Dogs again.
+The yard is on one side of the garden. Every time our walk takes us near
+it, the shrill dog barks, and the hoarse dog growls. The doctor tells me
+to have no anxieties. I am suffering devouring anxieties. These dogs may
+break loose and fly at us, for anything I know to the contrary, at a
+moment's notice. What shall I do? Give myself a drop of tonic? or escape
+for a few hours from the perpetual noises of this retired spot, by
+taking a drive? My wife says, take a drive. I think I have already
+mentioned that I invariably agree with my wife.</p>
+
+<p>The drive is successful in procuring us a little quiet. My directions to
+the coachman are to take us where he pleases, so long as he keeps away
+from secluded villages. We suffer much jolting in by-lanes, and
+encounter a great variety of bad smells. But a bad smell is a noiseless
+nuisance, and I am ready to put up with it patiently. Towards dinner
+time we return to our inn. Meat, vegetables, pudding, all excellent,
+clean and perfectly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> cooked. As good a dinner as ever I wish to
+eat;&mdash;shall I get a little nap after it? The fowls, the dogs, the
+hammer, the children, the waggons, are quiet at last. Is there anything
+else left to make a noise? Yes: there is the working population of the
+place.</p>
+
+<p>It is getting on towards evening, and the sons of labour are assembling
+on the benches placed outside the inn, to drink. What a delightful scene
+they would make of this homely everyday event on the stage! How the
+simple creatures would clink their tin mugs, and drink each other's
+healths, and laugh joyously in chorus! How the peasant maidens would
+come tripping on the scene and lure the men tenderly to the dance! Where
+are the pipe and tabour that I have seen in so many pictures; where the
+simple songs that I have read about in so many poems? What do I hear as
+I listen, prone on the sofa, to the evening gathering of the rustic
+throng? Oaths,&mdash;nothing, on my word of honour, but oaths! I look out,
+and see gangs of cadaverous savages drinking gloomily from brown mugs,
+and swearing at each other every time they open their lips. Never in any
+large town, at home or abroad, have I been exposed to such an incessant
+fire of unprintable words, as now assail my ears in this primitive
+village. No man can drink to another without swearing at him first. No
+man can ask a question without adding a mark of interrogation at the end
+in the shape of an oath. Whether they quarrel (which they do for the
+most part), or whether they agree; whether they talk of their troubles
+in this place, or their good luck in that; whether they are telling a
+story, or proposing a toast, or giving an order, or finding fault with
+the beer, these men seem to be positively incapable of speaking without
+an allowance of at least five foul words for every one fair word that
+issues from their lips. English is reduced in their mouths to a brief
+vocabulary of all the vilest expressions in the language. This is an age
+of civilisation; this is a Christian country; opposite me I see a
+building with a spire, which is called, I believe, a church; past my
+window, not an hour since, there rattled a neat pony chaise with a
+gentleman inside clad in glossy black broad cloth, and popularly known
+by the style and title of clergyman. And yet, under all these good
+influences, here sit twenty or thirty men whose ordinary table-talk is
+so outrageously beastly and blasphemous, that not a single sentence of
+it, though it lasted the whole evening, could be printed as a specimen
+for public inspection, in these pages. When the intelligent foreigner
+comes to England, and when I tell him (as I am sure to do) that we are
+the most moral people in the universe, I will take good care that he
+does not set his foot in a secluded British village when the rural
+population is reposing over its mug of small beer after the labours of
+the day.</p>
+
+<p>I am not a squeamish person, neither is my wife, but the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> social
+intercourse of the villagers drives us out of our room, and sends us to
+take refuge at the back of the house. Do we gain anything by the change?
+None whatever.</p>
+
+<p>The back parlour to which we have now retreated, looks out on a
+bowling-green; and there are more benches, more mugs of beer, more
+foul-mouthed villagers on the bowling-green. Immediately under our
+window is a bench and table for two, and on it are seated a drunken old
+man and a drunken old woman. The aged sot in trousers is offering
+marriage to the aged sot in petticoats with frightful oaths of
+endearment. Never before did I imagine that swearing could be twisted to
+the purposes of courtship. Never before did I suppose that a man could
+make an offer of his hand by bellowing imprecations on his eyes, or that
+all the powers of the infernal regions could be appropriately summoned
+to bear witness to the beating of a lover's heart under the influence of
+the tender passion. I know it now, and I derive little satisfaction
+from gaining the knowledge of it. The ostler is lounging about the
+bowling-green, scratching his bare brawny arms and yawning grimly in the
+mellow evening sunlight. I beckon to him, and ask him at what time the
+tap closes? He tells me at eleven o'clock. It is hardly necessary to say
+that we put off going to bed until that time, when we retire for the
+night, drenched from head to foot, if I may so speak, in floods of bad
+language.</p>
+
+<p>I cautiously put my head out of window, and see that the lights of the
+tap-room are really extinguished at the appointed time. I hear the
+drinkers oozing out grossly into the pure freshness of the summer night.
+They all growl together; they all go together. All?</p>
+
+<p>Sinner and sufferer that I am, I have been premature in arriving at that
+happy conclusion! Six choice spirits, with a social horror in their
+souls of going home to bed, prop themselves against the wall of the inn,
+and continue the evening's conversazione in the darkness. I hear them
+cursing at each other by name. We have Tom, Dick, and Sam, Jem, Bill,
+and Bob, to enliven us under our window after we are in bed. They begin
+improving each other's minds, as a matter of course, by quarrelling.
+Music follows, and soothes the strife, in the shape of a local duet,
+sung by voices of vast compass, which soar in one note from howling bass
+to cracked treble. Yawning follows the duet; long, loud, weary yawning
+of all the company in chorus. This amusement over, Tom asks Dick for
+"backer," and Dick denies that he has got any, and Tom tells him he
+lies, and Sam strikes in and says, "No, he doan't," and Jem tells Sam he
+lies, and Bill tells him that if he was Sam he would punch Jem's head,
+and Bob, apparently snuffing the battle afar off, and not liking the
+scent of it, shouts suddenly a pacific "good night" in the distance. The
+farewell salutation seems to quiet the gathering storm. They all roar
+responsive to the good night of Bob.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> Next, a song in chorus from Bob's
+five friends. Outraged by this time beyond all endurance, I spring out
+of bed and seize the water-jug. I pause before I empty the water on the
+heads of the assembly beneath; I pause, and hear&mdash;O! most melodious,
+most welcome of sounds!&mdash;the sudden fall of rain. The merciful sky has
+anticipated me; the "clerk of the weather" has been struck by my idea of
+dispersing the Nag's Head Night Club by water. By the time I have put
+down the jug and got back to bed, silence&mdash;primeval silence, the first,
+the foremost of all earthly influences&mdash;falls sweetly over our tavern at
+last.</p>
+
+<p>That night, before sinking wearily to rest, I have once more the
+satisfaction of agreeing with my wife. Dear and admirable woman! she
+proposes to leave this secluded village the first thing to-morrow
+morning. Never did I share her opinion more cordially than I share it
+now. Instead of keeping myself composed, I have been living in a region
+of perpetual disturbance; and, as for doing nothing, my mind has been so
+agitated and perturbed that I have not even had time to think about it.
+We will go, love&mdash;as you so sensibly suggest&mdash;we will go the first thing
+in the morning to any place you like, so long as it is large enough to
+swallow up small sounds. Where, over all the surface of this noisy
+earth, the blessing of tranquility may be found, I know not; but this I
+do know: a secluded English village is the very last place towards which
+any man should think of turning his steps, if the main object of his
+walk through life is to discover quiet.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="GEMINI_AND_VIRGO" id="GEMINI_AND_VIRGO"></a>GEMINI AND VIRGO.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">C. S. Calverley.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Some vast amount of years ago,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Ere all my youth had vanish'd from me,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A boy it was my lot to know,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Whom his familiar friends called Tommy.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I love to gaze upon a child;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">A young bud bursting into blossom;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Artless, as Eve yet unbeguiled,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And agile as a young opossum:<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And such was he. A calm-brow'd lad,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Yet mad, at moments, as a hatter:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why hatters as a race are mad<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">I never knew, nor does it matter.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He was what nurses call a "limb;"<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">One of those small misguided creatures<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who, tho' their intellects are dim,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Are one too many for their teachers:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And, if you asked of him to say<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">What twice 10 was, or 3 times 7,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He'd glance (in quite a placid way)<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">From heaven to earth, from earth to heaven;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And smile, and look politely round,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">To catch a casual suggestion;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But make no effort to propound<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Any solution of the question.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And not so much esteemed was he<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Of the authorities: and therefore<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He fraternized by chance with me,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Needing a somebody to care for:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And three fair summers did we twain<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Live (as they say) and love together;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And bore by turns the wholesome cane<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Till our young skins became as leather:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And carved our names on every desk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And tore our clothes, and inked our collars;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And looked unique and picturesque,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">But not, it may be, model scholars.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We did much as we chose to do;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">We'd never heard of Mrs. Grundy;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All the theology we knew<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Was that we mighn't play on Sunday;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And all the general truths, that cakes<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Were to be bought at half a penny,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And that excruciating aches<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Resulted if we ate too many:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And seeing ignorance is bliss,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And wisdom consequently folly,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The obvious result is this&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">That our two lives were very jolly.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">At last the separation came,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Real love, at that time, was the fashion;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And by a horrid chance, the same<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Young thing was, to us both, a passion.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Old Poser snorted like a horse:<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">His feet were large, his hands were pimply,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His manner, when excited, coarse:&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">But Miss P. was an angel simply.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">She was a blushing, gushing thing;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">All&mdash;more than all&mdash;my fancy painted;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Once&mdash;when she helped me to a wing<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Of goose&mdash;I thought I should have fainted.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The people said that she was blue:<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">But I was green, and loved her dearly.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She was approaching thirty-two;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And I was then eleven, nearly.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I did not love as others do;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">(None ever did that I've heard tell of);<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My passion was a byword through<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The town she was, of course, the belle of:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Oh sweet&mdash;as to the toilworn man<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The far-off sound of rippling river;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As to cadets in Hindostan<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The fleeting remnant of their liver&mdash;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">To me was <span class="smcap">Anna</span>; dear as gold<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">That fills the miser's sunless coffers;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As to the spinster, growing old,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The thought&mdash;the dream&mdash;that she had offers.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I'd sent her little gifts of fruit;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">I'd written lines to her as Venus;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'd sworn unflinchingly to shoot<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The man who dared to come between us:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And it was you, my Thomas you,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The friend in whom my soul confided,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who dared to gaze on&mdash;to do,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">I may say, much the same as I did.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">One night I saw him squeeze her hand;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">There was no doubt about the matter;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I said he must resign, or stand<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">My vengeance&mdash;and he chose the latter.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We met, we "planted" blows on blows:<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">We fought as long as we were able:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My rival had a bottle-nose,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And both my speaking eyes were sable.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">When the school-bell cut short our strife,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Miss P. gave both of us a plaister;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And in a week became the wife<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Of Horace Nibbs, the writing-master.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I loved her then&mdash;I'd love her still,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Only one must not love Another's:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But thou and I, my Tommy, will,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">When we again meet, meet as brothers.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">It may be that in age one seeks<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Peace only: that the blood is brisker<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In boys' veins, than in theirs whose cheeks<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Are partially obscured by whisker;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Or that the growing ages steal<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The memories of past wrongs from us.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But this is certain&mdash;that I feel<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Most friendly unto thee, oh Thomas!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And whereso'er we meet again,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">On this or that side the equator,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If I've not turned teetotaller then,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And have wherewith to pay the waiter,<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">To thee I'll drain the modest cup,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Ignite with thee the mild Havannah;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And we will waft, while liquoring up,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Forgiveness to the heartless <span class="smcap">Anna</span>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of</i> <span class="smcap">Mrs. Calverley</span>.)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="KING_BIBBS" id="KING_BIBBS"></a>KING BIBBS.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">James Albery.</span></h3>
+
+<p>"It's all through that Liberal Government."</p>
+
+<p>These were the words uttered by King Bibbs as he stood in
+the rain without an umbrella; and it was not the first time he
+had uttered them.</p>
+
+<p>Think of it! There stood King Bibbs in the rain without an
+umbrella.</p>
+
+<p>Once upon a time King Bibbs had a beautiful palace; but
+there came a Liberal Government, and they promised the nation
+economy.</p>
+
+<p>Their policy was to save and censure, to cut down everything
+they did pay for, and to cut up everything they did not.</p>
+
+<p>They contracted that every soldier in the army should have
+one nail less in his boots, and they blamed the last Government
+for not having soldiers who required no boots at all. They
+arranged that the royal charwomen should clean the floors of
+the Government offices with soap without sand or with sand
+without soap; and they censured the late Government for
+having floors that wanted any cleaning. They cut down the
+amount and the quality of the cheese required for the royal
+mousetraps, and they pointed out to a plundered people that the
+last Government were entirely to blame for there being any
+mice. They voted that the royal weather-cock on the national
+stable should be re-gilt only once in six years, instead of once
+in five, and they made it clear, at least to their own party, that
+it was entirely owing to the tactics of the late Government that
+weather-cocks were required at all; and it must be admitted
+that upon this point the late Government were a little bit with
+them.</p>
+
+<p>It was a <i>fine time</i>, and the nation that King Bibbs reigned
+over might well feel proud.</p>
+
+<p>They did.</p>
+
+<p>But you know that if you keep the stove going by what you
+can spare from your household furniture, the time will come
+when you will be a little at a loss for firewood.</p>
+
+<p>What would you do? You cannot part with the comfortable
+chair you sit in, and your friends must have their little places;
+so very likely, if you had no respect for time-honoured things,
+you would break up some grand old cabinet that your forefathers
+loved, but that to you appeared useless, and so you'd
+keep the stove going. And as long as the fire lasted, you and
+your friends would be warm and snug in your places.</p>
+
+<p>That's just what our Government did&mdash;not ours, of course&mdash;but
+the one I am talking of.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>They turned their eyes on the king's palace, and they said
+the nation cannot be saddled with this expense.</p>
+
+<p>They had already saved the nation about a farthing per head
+per annum, and this new sacrifice would save about an eighth as
+much more. But you must understand that every man looked
+at the amount saved in the lump; he never thought of the
+farthing that was put in his pocket in return for the time he
+wasted in attending public meetings, but had a vague idea that
+the golden thousands talked of were in some remote way his
+rescued property.</p>
+
+<p>What a splendid show of justice, wasn't it now, when bills
+were plastered all over King Bibbs's palace, to say those
+desirable premises would be sold by public auction on such a
+date?</p>
+
+<p>It touched the people to the core; they gave up half a day to
+flock round the palace, and read the bills; they lost another
+half-day's work to see the palace sold; they spent a day's wages
+to get drunk to celebrate this crowning stroke of economy, and
+in their wild delight at the justice done them, they quite forgot
+to bank the one-eighth of a farthing which the generous Government
+had put into their pockets.</p>
+
+<p>How common it is to say, we go from bad to worse, and on
+that principle I suppose it was that this Liberal Government
+went from good to better.</p>
+
+<p>If it was good that the poor king should give up his palace
+and live like a private gentleman, would it not be better that
+he should go a grade lower, and live like a retired tradesman?</p>
+
+<p>The odd fact was, that the more they stripped poor King
+Bibbs of the sacred paraphernalia that once adorned his life, the
+more useless he appeared in the eyes of his subjects; and he
+was cut down from a palace to a mansion, and from a mansion
+to a villa; from having one hundred horses to ten; and from
+ten to none. And so it was that King Bibbs came to be walking
+in the rain without an umbrella; and so it was, as he reflected
+on the past he exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"It's all through that Liberal Government."</p>
+
+<p>His most gracious Majesty had been to the reading-rooms to
+look at the morning papers, and see what his Government were
+doing. It may seem wrong that he should thus waste a penny;
+but remember, it was his duty to see how his people were getting
+on. As he left the rooms there was a quiet, sad smile on the
+king's face.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah," he muttered, "my prime minister is very clever, but
+he is all ambition and vanity; he tries to sail the ship with
+nothing but flags. I do wish he would take in the bunting and
+put out some canvas, so that we might have a little real progress
+instead of so much show."</p>
+
+<p>At this time he was just turning the corner of Daisy Road on
+his way home, when suddenly it began to rain.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Bless me," said his Majesty, "it's going to pour, and I've
+forgotten my umbrella, I shall have my crown quite spoilt.
+Dear! dear! dear!"</p>
+
+<p>The rain fell faster, and the poor king had yet two miles to
+go. His ermine was getting quite damp.</p>
+
+<p>"What am I to do?" he exclaimed. "I shall be wet through.
+Dear! dear! I shall be obliged to take a cab."</p>
+
+<p>The king looked along the road, and saw one coming. "Hi!
+hi!" shouted his most gracious Majesty, and he waved his
+sceptre till it almost flew out of his hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Going home to change," said the cabman, with a careless air.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you know I'm the king?" said poor Bibbs.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, you're know'd well enough," sneered the cabman; "give my love
+to the old woman."</p>
+
+<p>"There, there!" said the poor monarch, appealing plaintively to the
+empty street; "there, that comes of having a Liberal Government; as soon
+as I get a change I'll be a despot."</p>
+
+<p>You see the true royal spirit in him was not quite crushed.</p>
+
+<p>The rain fell faster, and King Bibbs took off his crown and was looking
+at the great wet spots on the red cotton velvet when a loud voice
+exclaimed:&mdash;"Does your most gracious Majesty want a cab?"</p>
+
+<p>The king was about to enter the cab without a word, when a ragged boy
+officiously stood by the wheel.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you want?" said the boy's sovereign.</p>
+
+<p>"To keep your most gracious Majesty's royal robe from touching the
+wheel," said the boy.</p>
+
+<p>"I can do it myself," said the king, in quite an angry tone.</p>
+
+<p>Now in the ordinary way a monarch would look upon such an attention as
+simply his due, but he knew this ragged young subject was looking for
+patronage; he wanted a copper, and the king felt he could not afford it.
+All who have studied the workings of the human heart know how we conceal
+our motives even from ourselves. To look at King Bibbs you would have
+thought he simply resented the boy's officiousness. He tried to persuade
+himself so, but the underlying feeling was his annoyance at not having a
+copper to spare. How he would have blushed if any of the Great Powers of
+Europe could have seen him at that moment!</p>
+
+<p>"Go to the devil," said the king to his subject. "Go away! go away!"</p>
+
+<p>"Blow'd if I pay my income tax next week!" said the young traitor as he
+made a very wicked face at the back of the cab.</p>
+
+<p>"That's a bad boy," muttered Bibbs, as the cab drove off.</p>
+
+<p>Now Bibbs, like many another proud spirit, had enjoyed the noble
+pleasure of refusing, which is only felt when you have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> full power to
+comply. When you are forced to refuse through weakness, it is very
+galling to a monarch, or even to one of us.</p>
+
+<p>"A d&mdash;d bad boy!" he exclaimed, and as if the truth would out in spite
+of him he muttered: "It's all thro' that Liberal Government."</p>
+
+<p>The house to which King Bibbs had directed the cabman to drive him, was
+what is now called a villa. It was one of a row, and was certainly not
+at all suggestive of a palace. Still it had a nice breakfast-parlour
+underground, and a handsome little drawing-room, with folding doors,
+upstairs. The rent was low, and the neighbourhood was considered, by
+those who lived there, fashionable.</p>
+
+<p>At first poor Bibbs was treated with some respect, but after a time he
+fell into contempt, for kings, like other people, must keep their
+places.</p>
+
+<p>On arriving at his house the king stepped from the cab and took out his
+purse. It would have done any Liberal Government good to see a
+constitutional monarch like Bibbs rubbing the edges of certain light
+coins to see if they were threepennies or fourpennies. But it would not
+have done any one good to see the look on the cabman's face as he
+received his fare. The king turned to go indoors.</p>
+
+<p>"Here, hi!" shouted the cabman.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter?" asked the king.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter? As if your most gracious Majesty did not know! I
+want another sixpence."</p>
+
+<p>"You've got your fare," said the king.</p>
+
+<p>"Got my fare!" retorted the cabman; "you're a pretty gracious Majesty,
+you are. You go about rolling in luxury and wealth out of the hard
+earnings of sich as me, and that's the way you use the money. Bah! The
+sooner you're done away with altogether the better. What good are you?
+Why you ain't worth the crown on your head."</p>
+
+<p>The cabman drove away to swear, and the king paused to reflect. It took
+the king some time to calculate, but he found he cost that cabman, at
+his present rate of expenditure&mdash;he cost that cabman about an eighth of
+a farthing every ten years.</p>
+
+<p>The king's lips moved, though he breathed no word; but any one who had
+watched the kind mouth would have seen that he was muttering something
+about that Liberal Government.</p>
+
+<p>He took out his latch-key and let himself in; he paused in the passage,
+gently wiped his crown on the sleeve of his robe, and hung it on a
+hat-peg, and, placing his sceptre in the stand beside his forgotten
+umbrella&mdash;forgetfulness that had cost him a shilling&mdash;walked slowly into
+the parlour.</p>
+
+<p>He sat down to meditate. You have only to read your Shakespeare to know
+this is the way of kings. He soliloquised somewhat in this fashion:</p>
+
+<p>"It's quite clear the cheaper I get the more useless I appear.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> While I
+was surrounded with pomp, the people ran after and applauded me; now I
+get abused by a low cabman. I was like a grand ruin: while the columns
+stand, and the broken entablatures lie about in picturesque profusion,
+it is visited, made pictures of, and admired. But take away the old
+adornments, clear away the ground, and leave only a little pile of
+useless earth to mark the spot, and Admiration and Wonder, as they turn
+their backs on it, will soon find Respect at their heels&mdash;I see my
+fate."</p>
+
+<p>The king grew reckless, and ordered an egg for his tea.</p>
+
+<p>You have only to read your poets, and you will see that these sudden
+desperate acts foreshadow impending doom.</p>
+
+<p>At the moment that Bibbs was wiping a small spot of egg from his beard,
+his ministers were holding a cabinet council to determine what should be
+their next move to keep up their popularity.</p>
+
+<p>There was nothing to cut down but the places of themselves and their
+friends and relations. That was out of the question. The labourer is
+worthy of his hire, and they had laboured hard to get into their present
+position.</p>
+
+<p>How would it be if they determined that the king should no longer
+receive any help from the State, but earn his own living? A little hard
+work would be good for the king's constitution.</p>
+
+<p>The idea was a popular one. It was carried out. But poor King Bibbs was
+too old to work, so it occurred to one of the ministers, who knew a City
+gentleman who had an ugly daughter that he wanted to marry to a person
+of rank, that by his influence the poor king might be got into an
+almshouse.</p>
+
+<p>After some difficulty it was done, and his most gracious Majesty found
+himself in possession of two small rooms and ten shillings a week.</p>
+
+<p>Any reasonable old monarch, you would think, might have been very
+comfortable under these circumstances, but wherever he turned he met
+unfriendly glances. People said almshouses were meant for industrious
+but unfortunate tradesmen and their wives, and not for bloated old
+emperors and kings. Here was a monarch not only grinding them down with
+taxation, but actually taking from them the just reward of virtuous old
+age.</p>
+
+<p>At last it happened that a shopkeeper died insolvent, and his aged widow
+was destitute. There was nothing for it but to put her on the parish,
+which would be an expense, or get her into an almshouse.</p>
+
+<p>The matter touched the pockets of the parishioners, and you may be
+pretty sure that soon a fine clamour was raised. What had the king done
+to deserve charity? Nothing. Meetings were held, bundles of letters were
+sent to the newspapers, and at last the influential City gentleman, who
+meant to stand for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> the borough at the next election, was forced to turn
+out King Bibbs or lose his popularity.</p>
+
+<p>The influential gentleman assured his most gracious Majesty that he
+turned him out with great reluctance.</p>
+
+<p>What was to be done now? It was pretty clear that the king must go on
+the parish. But what parish?</p>
+
+<p>It mattered not where he had lived, he had never paid his rates, and not
+a parish would have him. Vestries met and discussed the matter. It was
+referred to committees, minutes were brought up and referred back again;
+meantime poor Bibbs, who would not go in as a casual, was left, like old
+Lear, to perish.</p>
+
+<p>It is true that on the first night an old Chartist, who was once
+imprisoned for treason, took pity on him, and gave him a bed, but when
+the king found out who his benefactor was, his old pride arose within
+him, and he turned away.</p>
+
+<p>His most gracious Majesty might have been seen feeling with his
+thumb-nail the edge of his last coin. It was smooth; King Bibbs had but
+threepence in the world.</p>
+
+<p>At this moment he saw some men with advertising boards on their backs.
+He looked at them; they were old and feeble. Ah! thought the king, I
+think I am strong enough to carry boards. He went up to one of the men,
+and asked him most respectfully where he got his employment.</p>
+
+<p>The man turned round and sneered out,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, you want to rob <i>us</i> now, do you? You want to take the crust out of
+our mouths. You ain't content with grinding <i>us</i> poor working men down
+with taxes&mdash;you ain't content with having every luxury down to
+almhouses, but you must interfere with <i>us</i>. If I catch your most
+gracious Majesty with <i>half</i> a board on your back, I'll just smash you.
+There!"</p>
+
+<p>It will be observed that the people had lost nothing of the outward show
+of respect, and always addressed the king in the proper way.</p>
+
+<p>Poor Bibbs bought a penny biscuit, and with the remaining twopence a
+piece of card and a bit of string. He wrote on the card,</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"PRAY PITY A POOR CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCH."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And with his crown in his hand to get whatever charity would
+give, he went into the bitter world to beg his way down to
+the grave.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+
+<p>Things went on merrily with the ministry for years. They
+filled all the old places and invented new. They put the king's
+head on the coin, and put the coin in their pockets.</p>
+
+<p>But one fine day a certain Eastern despot with whom they
+had been intriguing, thought it a politic thing to pay King<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>
+Bibbs a visit <span class="smcap">in state</span>. Here was a pretty kettle of fish! What
+were they to do for a king?</p>
+
+<p>It would never do to tell the Eastern despot they didn't know
+where their king was, and they did not care; he would have
+broken with them at once.</p>
+
+<p>They sent in all directions to inquire for the king, but he was
+not to be found.</p>
+
+<p>They then tried an advertisement:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="pblockquot"><p>IF THIS SHOULD MEET THE EYE OF KING BIBBS,<br />
+he is requested to return to his disconsolate ministers, and
+all shall be forgiven.</p></div>
+
+<p>But poor Bibbs had not seen a newspaper for years, and his
+ministers were left disconsolate.</p>
+
+<p>Then appeared another advertisement:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="pblockquot"><p>LOST, A KING ANSWERING TO THE NAME OF BIBBS.<br />
+If any one will take him to the Treasury he will be
+<i>liberally</i> rewarded.</p></div>
+
+<p>Now it so happened that a quiet man of business, as he was passing along
+a country highway, saw a poor old half crazy man eating a few dry
+crusts. By his side was a bent sceptre, and on his head an old and
+battered crown, while his robe of royal purple was torn and soiled, and
+the ermine on it worn nearly bare and black.</p>
+
+<p>As the stranger approached him, the old man took off his crown, and in a
+feeble voice said, "Pray pity a poor constitutional monarch."</p>
+
+<p>The stranger looked in his face and exclaimed, "Good heaven, poor soul,
+what has brought you to this?"</p>
+
+<p>The old man brushed a tear away from his sunken eye, and muttered&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"It was all through that Liberal Government!"</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+
+<p>A week after a great city was all aglare with flags, and ablare with
+trumpets. The streets were lined with people, and a procession passed,
+at the head of which was a grand carriage drawn by eight horses. In the
+carriage sat a feeble old man in a splendid robe, and with a new crown
+that he kept taking off as he bowed to the multitude. At his side was
+the splendid Eastern despot, who bowed too, for the people not only said
+"Long live King Bibbs!" but they wished the splendid Eastern despot long
+life as well. Near the palace gates as they returned, the king left off
+bowing, and some were shocked at his pride and some at his pallor.</p>
+
+<p>A few days after there was a grand and solemn procession.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And again, a few days after that, a grand and glorious procession.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+
+<p>The Government were true to their policy, and the wording of their
+advertisement. The stranger who had found King Bibbs, after wasting
+years in applications, received a note to say his affair was under
+consideration.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="MOLLY_MULDOON" id="MOLLY_MULDOON"></a>MOLLY MULDOON.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Anonymous.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Molly Muldoon was an Irish girl,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And as fine a one<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">As you'd look upon<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the cot of a peasant or hall of an earl.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Her teeth were white, though not of pearl,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And dark was her hair, but it did not curl;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet few who gazed on her teeth and her hair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But owned that a power of beauty was there.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Now many a hearty and rattling gorsoon<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Whose fancy had charmed his heart into tune,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Would dare to approach fair Molly Muldoon,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">But for <i>that</i> in her eye<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Which made most of them shy<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And look quite ashamed, though they couldn't tell why&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Her eyes were large, dark blue, and clear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And <i>heart</i> and <i>mind</i> seemed in them blended.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If <i>intellect</i> sent you one look severe<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>Love</i> instantly leapt in the next to mend it&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Hers was the eye to check the rude,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">And hers the eye to stir emotion,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">To keep the sense and soul subdued<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">And calm desire into devotion.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">There was Jemmy O'Hare,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">As fine a boy as you'd see in a fair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And wherever Molly was he was there.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His face was round and his build was square,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And he sported as rare<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And tight a pair<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span><span class="i0">Of legs, to be sure, as are found anywhere.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And Jemmy would wear<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">His <i>caubeen</i> and hair<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With such a peculiar and rollicking air,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That I'd venture to swear<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Not a girl in Kildare<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor Victoria's self, if she chanced to be there,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Could resist his wild way&mdash;called "Devil-may-care."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Not a boy in the parish could match him for fun,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor wrestle, nor leap, nor hurl, nor run<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With Jemmy&mdash;No gorsoon could equal him&mdash;None,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">At wake, or at wedding, at feast or at fight,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">At throwing the sledge with such dext'rous sleight,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He was the envy of men, and the women's delight.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Now Molly Muldoon liked Jemmy O'Hare,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And in troth Jemmy loved in his heart Miss Muldoon.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I believe in my conscience a purtier pair<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Never danced in a tent at a pattern in June,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">To a bagpipe or fiddle<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">On the rough cabin door<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That is placed in the middle&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Ye may talk as ye will<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There's a grace in the limbs of the peasantry there<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With which people of quality couldn't compare;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And Molly and Jemmy were counted the two<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That would keep up the longest and go the best through<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">All the jigs and the reels<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That have occupied heels<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Since the days of the Murtaghs and Brian Boru.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">It was on a long bright sunny day<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">They sat on a green knoll side by side,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But neither just then had much to say;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Their hearts were so full that they only tried<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">To do anything foolish, just to hide<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">What both of them felt, but what Molly denied.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">They plucked the speckled daisies that grew<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Close by their arms,&mdash;then tore them too;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the bright little leaves that they broke from the stalk<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">They threw at each other for want of talk;<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">While the heart-lit look and the sunny smile<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">Reflected pure souls without art or guile,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">And every time Molly sighed or smiled,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Jem felt himself grow as soft as a child;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And he fancied the sky never looked so bright,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The grass so green, the daisies so white;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Everything looked so gay in his sight<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That gladly he'd linger to watch them till night,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span><span class="i4">And Molly herself thought each little bird<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Whose warbling notes her calm soul stirred,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Sang only his lay but by her to be heard.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">An Irish courtship's short and sweet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">It's sometimes foolish and indiscreet;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">But who is wise when his young heart's heat<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Whips the pulse to a galloping beat&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Ties up his judgment neck and feet<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And makes him the slave of a blind conceit?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sneer not, therefore, at the loves of the poor,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Though their manners be rude their affections are pure;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They look not by art, and they love not by rule,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For their souls are not tempered in fashion's cold school.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh! give me the love that endures no control<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But the delicate instinct that springs from the soul,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As the mountain stream gushes its freshness and force,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet obedient, wherever it flows to its source.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yes, give me that but Nature has taught,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By rank unallured and by riches unbought;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whose very simplicity keeps it secure&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The love that illumines the heart of the poor.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">All blushful was Molly, or shy at least<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">As one week before Lent<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Jem procured her consent<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To go the next Sunday and spake to the priest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Shrove-Tuesday was named for the wedding to be,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And it dawned as bright as they'd wish to see.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And Jemmy was up at the day's first peep<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the live-long night, no wink could he sleep;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">A bran-new coat, with a bright big button,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">He took from a chest, and carefully put on&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And brogues as well <i>lampblacked</i> as ever went foot on<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Were greased with the fat of <i>a quare sort of mutton</i>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Then a tidier <i>gorsoon</i> couldn't be seen<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Treading the Emerald sod so green&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Light was his step and bright was his eye<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">As he walked through the <i>slobbery</i> streets of Athy.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And each girl he passed, bid "God bless him," and sighed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While she wished in her heart that herself was the bride.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Hush! here's the Priest&mdash;let not the least<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whisper be heard till the father has ceased.<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">"Come, bridegroom and bride,<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">That the knot may be tied<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Which no power upon earth can hereafter divide."<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Up rose the bride, and the bridegroom too,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And a passage was made for them both to walk through!<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span><span class="i4">And his Rev'rence stood with a sanctified face,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Which spread its infection around the place.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The bridesmaid bustled and whispered the bride,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Who felt so confused that she almost cried,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">But at last bore up and walked forward, where<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The Father was standing with solemn air;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The bridegroom was following after with pride,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4"><i>When his piercing eye something awful espied</i>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">He stooped and sighed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Looked round and tried<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">To tell what he saw, but his tongue denied:<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">With a spring and a roar,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">He jumped to the door,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">And the bride laid her eyes on the bridegroom no more!</span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i5">Some years sped on<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Yet heard no one<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Of Jemmy O'Hare, or where he had gone.<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">But since the night of that widowed feast,<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">The strength of poor Molly had ever decreased;<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">Till, at length, from earth's sorrow her soul released,<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">Fled up to be ranked with the saints at least.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i3">And the morning poor Molly to live had ceased,<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">Just five years after the widowed feast,<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">An American letter was brought to the priest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">Telling of Jemmy O'Hare deceased!<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">Who ere his death,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">With his latest breath,<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">To a spiritual father unburdened his breast<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">And the cause of his sudden departure confest,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">"Oh! Father," says he, "I've not long to live,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">So I'll freely confess, and hope you'll forgive&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That same Molly Muldoon, sure I loved her indeed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Ay, as well, as the Creed<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That was never forsaken by one of my breed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">But I couldn't have married her after I saw"&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">"Saw what?" cried the Father desirous to hear&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">And the chair that he sat in unconsciously rocking&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">"Not in her 'kar&agrave;cter,' yer Rev'rince, a flaw"&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">The sick man here dropped a significant tear<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">And died as he whispered in the clergyman's ear&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">"But I saw, God forgive her, <span class="smcap">a hole in her stocking</span>!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="THE_HARMONIOUS_LOBSTERS" id="THE_HARMONIOUS_LOBSTERS"></a>THE HARMONIOUS LOBSTERS.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Robert Reece.</span></h3>
+
+<p>It has always appeared to me as a remarkable fact that the practice of
+Music does not promote amongst its devotees the harmony which is its own
+very gist and soul. The "concord of sweet sounds" is not reflected in
+the good fellowship and friendly cohesion of musicians; and the
+spiritualising power of the divine art seems too often to evaporate with
+the notes produced, and leave with its professors the hard <i>residuum</i> of
+an exact science and a mechanical art.</p>
+
+<p>The rivalry and jealousy so noticeable amongst musical people is
+peculiar to them; and, though you may with impunity neglect to demand
+from the actors, poets, painters, sculptors, preachers, physicians,
+surgeons, or lawyers an exhibition of their skill in their respective
+arts, you will make a foe for life if you omit to ask the musician to
+perform.</p>
+
+<p>We all know the "musical people" at parties; how cordially we welcome
+the production of that fatal waterproof roll, with its diabolical
+contents of "pieces" and "ballads;" how enthusiastically we press Jones
+to "give us another song," and how cheerfully and promptly (I might
+almost say "hastily") Jones obliges us. It is of no use suggesting to
+Miss Robinson that you "are afraid you are taxing her too far." Miss
+Robinson has another ballad, or another "piece"&mdash;"Tricklings at Eve," or
+"Wobblings at Noon," ready for you.</p>
+
+<p>I have belonged to several musical clubs in my time, and know something
+of my subject, especially the amateur section of it. I once officiated
+at a professional gathering to the great hurt of a very kind man. I was
+invited by a genial music publisher to join a "professional dinner"
+which he gave yearly to the principal musicians, his very good friends.
+The profession mustered very strongly, and did ample justice to
+excellent fare; on our repairing to the drawing-room, I expected, of
+course, to be entertained with some really good music, but I found that
+no one would "start the ball."</p>
+
+<p>In the full glare of professional eyes I opened the piano and the
+proceedings myself. Before I had played forty bars every "professional"
+was making for the instrument. I concluded. I had "started the ball," or
+rather a musical "boomerang," which was to return viciously upon me and
+my host.</p>
+
+<p>Every man present held the pianoforte in turn, and at half-past two in
+the morning (<i>I</i> had commenced at ten in the evening), there were still
+some unwearied musicians insisting on playing their own compositions to
+unappreciative audiences of rival professors. Perhaps they are still
+playing. I never did any business with that music publisher again.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Years ago I belonged to an amateur musical society which had its being
+in a fashionable suburb, and was known by the felicitous title, "The
+Harmonious Lobsters." To account for this name I may state that the
+society owed its origin to certain jovial meetings held at a friend's
+chambers, where these succulent <i>crustacea</i> were discussed (to soft
+music) at supper, twice a month. As the club grew, the suppers deceased;
+and, as the society became important and pretentious, so the original
+joviality evaporated.</p>
+
+<p>"The Harmonious Lobsters" were as pleasant amongst themselves as the
+genuine uncooked articles are in a fishmonger's basket. Every member
+struggled to be "top-sawyer;" every artist, down to the little doctor
+who played the triangle regarded himself as the mainstay, sole prop, and
+presiding genius of the society.</p>
+
+<p>We mustered a small orchestra, consisting of two flutes, two cornets,
+two violins, one viola, one violoncello, a drum, a clarionet, and the
+triangle above mentioned.</p>
+
+<p>The performances of this "limited band" were more remarkable for their
+force than their precision; and a want of "tone" and completeness was
+the result of an endeavour on the part of each performer to make the
+instrument he played specially conspicuous. It didn't matter so much
+with the flutes, violins, and clarionet; but the two cornets were a
+serious nuisance.</p>
+
+<p>Gasper and Puffin (both "first" cornets, of course!) were deadly rivals,
+implacable foes. Each aspired to be the ruler of the club, each regarded
+himself as <i>the</i> performer <i>par excellence</i>. The flutes were not
+friendly, and the violoncello was crabbed and unpleasant, but those
+cornets were insufferable.</p>
+
+<p>We all felt that a crisis was at hand, and we all devoutly wished it;
+for while Puffin and Gasper asserted themselves, we others were, to a
+defined extent, hiding our light under a bushel.</p>
+
+<p>The catastrophe was foreshadowed by a stormy meeting convened to arrange
+the programme of our fourth and last annual concert.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," premised the First Violin, who was also Secretary and
+Librarian, "we have all a solo!"</p>
+
+<p>There was no doubt of <i>that</i>, except as regarded the "doubles," viz.,
+the two flutes and the two cornets. The first couple had so far
+coalesced as to submit to the prowess being displayed in a duet, which
+was destined to be less flute than elaborate flatulence.</p>
+
+<p>"Let's begin at the beginning," said Gasper. "No. 1: that's an overture
+for <i>tutti</i>; say, 'The Caliph of Bagdad.'"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>I</i> don't mind," responded the Secretary. "It's easy enough, and
+there's lots of show for the violins."</p>
+
+<p>"The question now arises," jerked in Puffin, "who is to be the <i>first</i>
+soloist? <i>I</i> won't."</p>
+
+<p>"Nor likely to be," sneered Gasper.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I understand your narrow-mindedness, Gasper," retorted Puffin; "but I
+shall choose my own place and my own solo."</p>
+
+<p>"So shall <i>I</i>," announced Gasper; "go on."</p>
+
+<p>The Secretary proceeded.</p>
+
+<p>"Shall we say: <span class="smcap">Solo</span> (<i>Clarionet</i>)&mdash;Mr. R. Lipsey."</p>
+
+<p>"Anything for a quiet life," said Lipsey. "<i>I</i>'m not afraid."</p>
+
+<p>So it went on for four more items, when it became obvious that the "best
+place," in the first part of the programme was open to competition.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>My</i> solo," said Gasper, "comes in here."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you," replied Puffin; "I claim it myself."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Do</i> you?" grinned Gasper; "I stick to this point."</p>
+
+<p>"So do <i>I</i>," said the undaunted Puffin.</p>
+
+<p>"No, but really, you know," argued the Secretary, "it must be settled:
+let <i>me</i> cut the knot. <i>I</i>'ll play <i>my</i> solo here."</p>
+
+<p>A howl of opposition now arose. Every performer, exclusive of the Drum
+and the Triangle, had decided to "go in" for the "show place" in the
+programme.</p>
+
+<p>"I leave the Society if I do not play my solo here," said Gasper. "I
+have no more to say!" and he sat down.</p>
+
+<p>"So do <i>I</i>," echoed Puffin, "and get on with 'The Caliph' if you can
+without a second cornet."</p>
+
+<p>This was clinching matters with a vengeance.</p>
+
+<p>"Look here," interposed the Doctor. "<i>I</i> don't play a solo, so I speak
+impartially, I hope. Let Gasper play his solo in <i>this</i> part, and Puffin
+<i>his</i> solo in the best place of the <i>second</i> part of the programme.
+That'll settle it."</p>
+
+<p>There was a tumult immediately; everybody seemed to be multiplied by
+ten.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be a fool," whispered the Doctor to Gasper. "Stick to your right
+place in the first part; all the swells look for <i>that</i>. They'll be gone
+before Puffin gets <i>his</i> turn."</p>
+
+<p>Gasper was quiet in a moment.</p>
+
+<p>The Doctor, winking at me, got hold of the stony but still excited
+Puffin.</p>
+
+<p>"Let him have his blessed solo <i>early</i>, my boy," said the Triangle. "The
+big people won't have taken their seats by then. You'll have it all your
+own way."</p>
+
+<p>To this day I believe the Doctor had a professional impulse in this
+advice.</p>
+
+<p>During a lull Puffin spoke.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Let</i> Mr. Gasper have his solo in the first part. I flatter myself I
+can face the inferior position without any fear."</p>
+
+<p>"You are <i>so</i> modest," retorted the delighted Gasper. "Put it down,
+Basscleff. <span class="smcap">Solo</span> (<i>Cornet</i>) 'The Wind from the Sea,' <i>Vulvini</i>&mdash;George
+Gasper, Esq."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"That's <i>my</i> solo," shouted Puffin; "and I'll play it!"</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+
+<p>Spare me the recital of the ensuing scene.</p>
+
+<p>"Listen to <i>me</i>," said the Triangle, maliciously. "We must come to
+hard facts, I plainly see. The truth is, the difference between Mr.
+Gasper and Mr. Puffin (both admirable performers) has assumed the aspect
+of direct rivalry; I may go so far as to say, antagonism. Laudable, so
+far as art is concerned; lamentable for the ill-feeling promoted. I
+suggest that, for the setting at rest of the unfortunate dispute, and
+the better spirit of the Society, it be arranged that the two gentlemen
+<i>do</i> play the same solo at the same concert."</p>
+
+<p>Loud shouts, of varied sentiment, followed this daring speech.</p>
+
+<p>"A moment, please," cried the Doctor; "as Treasurer of this Musical
+Society I may state that our financial condition is not so satisfactory
+as it might be: if this competition gets wind&mdash;I mean, of course, if
+people get to know of it, we shall have an enormous house."</p>
+
+<p>After some disputing, it was agreed that there was cogency in the
+Doctor's suggestion.</p>
+
+<p>Other members were appeased with situations in the programme more or
+less prominent, but when the twenty-four items had been satisfactorily
+arranged, and the club separated, the general feeling was that the
+interest of the concert, and the stake at issue, were the competitive
+performances of Messrs. Puffin and Gasper.</p>
+
+<p>The evening of the concert arrived: so did Doctor Martel at my rooms:
+the little man was suffused with delight.</p>
+
+<p>"My dear fellow!" he chuckled, "it'll be the funniest thing you ever
+saw. I've been running to and fro all the week. Now to Gasper, now to
+Puffin. 'You should hear Puffin phrase that passage about the 'wind
+moaning,' said I to Gasper, 'it's tiptop,' and Gasper grinds his teeth.
+Then I go to Puffin and say, 'Gasper's devoting himself to making a hit,
+old man; the way he imitates the surge of the wave in the passage 'The
+wild wave answers the winds,' will 'fetch' them, and no mistake!' and
+Puffin turns pale."</p>
+
+<p>"What does it all portend?" asked I.</p>
+
+<p>"Wait and see, my lad," said the sly Doctor. "Wait and see."</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+
+<p>Eight o'clock! and I meet Puffin as I enter the "Artists' Room." I play
+the <i>violino secondo</i>. I am nobody.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," say I, "how do you feel?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind," says the astute Puffin; "I bide my time! <i>Only</i> (mark my
+words), Gasper won't score as heavily as he expects." With these dark
+words he vanishes.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The next moment I am face to face with Gasper.</p>
+
+<p>"How do you feel?" I ask of <i>him</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't worry about <i>me</i>," replies Gasper. "I'm not afraid that Puffin
+will cover himself with glory, after all." And Gasper retires.</p>
+
+<p>We had a wonderful "house" that night. The "competition" <i>had</i> been
+noised abroad, and the wily doctor's surmises were fulfilled. There was
+a Puffin and a Gasper faction ready to do battle for its respective
+champion when the clarion of defiance rang out from the platform.</p>
+
+<p>I pass the overture, a solo on the clarionet, which reduced the pug-nose
+of Lipsey to a severe aquiline during its performance; a flute and
+violin <i>duo</i>, and etc. The time had come for "The Wind from the Sea"
+(<i>George Gasper Esq.</i>). The favourite performer was hailed with shouts
+of delight. The Puffin faction smiled silently.</p>
+
+<p>The opening bars of the symphony were played by the pianist.</p>
+
+<p>Gasper advanced with a half-restrained smile of self-satisfaction, and
+after some singular contortions of his lips began to play the <i>scena</i>
+for the cornet.</p>
+
+<p>But no sound followed his laboured effort! Again, and again, red in the
+face, and furious, he essayed to produce a note from his silver
+instrument. It was dumb!</p>
+
+<p>Not so the Puffin section of the audience; the titter soon became a
+laugh, the laugh a shout, and finally with a stamp, and a diabolical
+expression, Mr Gasper gave up the game, and retreated amidst a howl of
+displeasure.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile where was Puffin? Never mind.</p>
+
+<p>Slowly went on the programme, till the item for which Mr. Puffin was
+"set down" arrived in its place.</p>
+
+<p>More sensation in the audience. Puffin section cock-a-hoop. Similar
+symphony on the part of the pianist, and the placid Puffin, a foregone
+victory shaping his lips into a half-concealed smile, put his cornet to
+his mouth, and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Well! while the audience was fighting its way out, half hysterical with
+laughter (for the performance of Mr. Puffin had only reproduced Mr.
+Gasper's failure), I was the unwilling witness of a "set-to" between the
+rival cornet-players, who, having discovered that each had,
+respectively, placed a cork up the principal tube of his opponent's
+instrument, so far agreed, as to differ as to the justice of the
+process. From the appearance of their upper lips, I am sure no solos
+were to be apprehended for weeks to come. But, before our next club
+meeting, Messrs. Gasper and Puffin had retired.</p>
+
+<p>I don't belong to any musical clubs now.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="THE_PROVINCIAL_LANDLADY" id="THE_PROVINCIAL_LANDLADY"></a>THE PROVINCIAL LANDLADY.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">H. Chance Newton.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Oh, dear Mister Editor, sir, if you please, they say you're a kind and humanious gent, sir,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which listens attentive to troubles and woes sech as worry an 'ard-working woman like me;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'm worrited dreadful from morning to night with working and toilin' and sech,&mdash;which the rent, sir,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is not always quite so forthcoming as I, with my fam'ly, would wish it to be!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Which I keeps a big house in the square, sir, not five minits' walk from the R'yal Theaytre,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Jest oppersit Muggins's Music-hall, sir, which its "public" is known as the "Linnet and Lamb"&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But I am a lamb, sir, to stand it as I do, a-working away up till midnight, or later,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For a lot of purfessional folks, which the best of the bunch, sir, is nothing but sham!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">From them music-hall people as lodges with me is a set which I'm sure, sir, is simply outragious,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A-rushin' all over the house when I've scrubbed it and cleaned it jest like a new pin;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And as for them second-floor folks (which is niggers) believe me their conduct is something rampagious,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A-larkin' all over the landing, a-spoilin' the paper,&mdash;it's really a sin!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And the party wot sings comic songs, sir, goes in and out shouting whenever he pleases,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the next floor (the serio-comic)&mdash;well, there, she's a stuck-up, impertinent miss,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which the last ones as had them apartments wos folks as performed on the "flyin' trapeeses,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And went away two pun' thirteen in my debt, and I've never beheld 'em from that day to this.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Than there's that ventrillikist party, as imitates different voices, and that, sir,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He frightens me out of my wits, which I'm sure as I haven't too many to spare;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And as for that Muggins's chairman, I frequently finds him asleep on the mat, sir,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which I characterises behaviour like that as werry disgraceful and shocking&mdash;so there!<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Then the Sisters Mac-Jones (them duettists) comes bouncin' all over the place, quite disdainful,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A fault-findin' day after day, sir, dressed up in their fal-de-rals, looking like guys;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the party that sings sentimental goes on in a way as to me, sir, is painful,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He smokes a long pipe in the garding, which dreadful proceedings I can't but despise.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Then a troop which I think is called ackribacks, knocks my best parlour to rack and to ruin,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A-chucking of summersets over my splendid meeogany tables and chairs;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why to-day they all stood on their heads in the passage: "Good gracious," I shouted, "why what are you doin'?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When they twisted their legs round their necks, sir, made faces, and told me to toddle downstairs!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Which I don't wish to make a remark, sir, that might be unpleasant, but while I was at it<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I thought as I'd mention the matters that cause me continual worry and din,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For if you excuse the expression, I ses, as for lettin' of lodgins',&mdash;oh, drat it!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"<i>If it wasn't for makin' it out of their board</i>," sir,&mdash;by jingers, I'd never let lodgins' agin!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>From</i> "<span class="smcap">The Penny Showman</span>," <i>by permission of the Author and</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Samuel French</span>.)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="MY_MATRIMONIAL_PREDICAMENT" id="MY_MATRIMONIAL_PREDICAMENT"></a>MY MATRIMONIAL PREDICAMENT.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Leopold Wagner.</span></h3>
+
+<p>I dare say a great many men in my situation would think themselves
+highly honoured; but, however this may strike others, I fell bound to
+confess that I am far from happy. The truth is, I have become so
+entangled in the meshes of a really romantic love affair, that I can see
+no possible hope of freeing myself. Let me hasten to explain.</p>
+
+<p>About twelve months ago I engaged myself to a pretty young girl, who,
+out of sheer fickleness&mdash;it could have been nothing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> else&mdash;jilted me. I
+was much cut up at the time, since I had learnt to grow very fond of
+her. A little while after, I began to take an interest in another pretty
+girl whom I came in contact with almost daily; but, as I had no means of
+getting properly introduced to her, I never spoke. By-and-by she
+disappeared, and I soon forgot her. Things went on with me in the usual
+way until, suddenly growing tired of my lonely existence, I advertised
+for "a nice young girl, thoroughly domesticated, able and willing to
+make a good-looking young bachelor happy;" adding, "Previous experience
+not necessary." In this way I actually found one who answered my
+expectations to the letter. We met, took the usual walks; and in the
+course of a week or two, I could see she loved me with her whole heart.
+The arrangments for our wedding were soon made. I procured the ring and
+keeper; then put up the banns. Now the house I live in is peculiarly
+situated. When I lie in bed, my head is in Blankshire, while my feet
+extend over the boundary-line into Chumpshire. This may appear a slight
+matter enough; and yet, I fancy, that if hard times should ever overtake
+me, I would have two different parishes to fall back upon. However, I
+found it necessary to publish the banns in both parishes; added to which
+my <i>fianc&eacute;e</i>, who is, or rather was, a lady's maid, a mile or two away
+in another direction, must needs put them up in her own parish also. So
+that I ought to reckon myself very much married, when it's all over. But
+here comes my predicament.</p>
+
+<p>I forgot to mention that the girl who jilted me is godmother to my
+landlady's new baby. This slight relationship enables my landlady to
+take the liberty of corresponding with her; and the other day, as it
+transpires, she let slip the news of my approaching marriage. About the
+same time, I not only met, but had the pleasure of being introduced to,
+the second pretty girl at a concert. She, too, had heard of my marriage;
+and presently confessed that she loved me herself; that, in fact, she
+would never have left the neighbourhood if I had only once spoken to
+her. This put me about considerably; and I heartily wished my wedding
+was not so far advanced. Arrived home, I found a letter from the first
+girl imploring me to pause before it was too late, and begging my
+forgiveness for her past conduct. I took no notice of it; but the next
+day brought her over, to stay, invited by my landlady. It was impossible
+for me to offer any objection, as I was only a lodger myself. Still, the
+girl's manner was convincing. She threw herself into my arms, and begged
+I would postpone the ceremony, until she could really prove her devotion
+to me. This was rather awkward; for, almost on the instant, all my old
+love came back to me again, and I could not let her go.</p>
+
+<p>The following day I took her about a bit, when I fell in love with her
+more than ever. In the afternoon I even went so far as to write to her
+mother, asking her to drop over to tea on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> Sunday afternoon. That night
+I also introduced her to the second pretty girl&mdash;whom I must now speak
+of as Miss No. 3. To my great surprise, the two became fast friends. On
+the Sunday morning, when the little godmother heard my banns called out
+in church, she fainted right away, and had to be carried outside. For
+myself, I felt like listening to my own death-warrant. At tea-time the
+mother came over; so she and my landlady soon settled it between
+themselves, that the little godmother had the greatest right to me. In
+the middle of all this, my <i>fianc&eacute;e</i> turned up, when a lively scene
+ensued. Eventually I left the house with her, to explain matters. But
+nothing would satisfy her short of my marrying her, as she had the right
+to demand. She swore that if I did not go through with the ceremony, she
+would make away with herself. No; she had no intention of bringing up a
+breach of promise case, for she loved me too much. Poor girl; I pitied
+her from the bottom of my heart, and went straight back to my place to
+give the little godmother her <i>cong&eacute;</i>. But when we reached the house, I
+found the latter stretched upon the floor in a dead faint; and my
+courage completely gave way. I could not make up my mind which of the
+two girls I liked the best, so begged for a little time to decide. My
+<i>fianc&eacute;e</i> went into the back parlour to cry, while I, in a frenzy of
+distraction, rushed first to one girl, then to the other; and at last
+into the open air, full butt against the third girl, who, brokenhearted,
+was coming to see me. I thought the best thing I could do would be to go
+for a walk and try to console her. I did; but this little walk turned
+out so delightful, that I forgot all about the other two girls, and fell
+madly in love with <i>her</i>! On our way back to my place, we met my
+<i>fianc&eacute;e</i> just leaving. I introduced and saw them both home. When I
+reached home myself, Miss. No. 1 had been put to bed; her mother had
+gone, while I was left to reflect upon my singular position. In the
+morning at breakfast, the girl came to me crying; hanging round my neck,
+and telling me how much she loved me. "Don't marry her, marry me!" she
+pleaded, as I left the house on business. During the day I redeemed a
+promise exacted from me by No. 3 to visit her, when she told me the same
+tale. I also received a letter from my <i>fianc&eacute;e</i>, demanding whether or
+not I intended to go through the ceremony; failing which she would end
+her life by poison. This was very dreadful; I went to see her, and
+begged time for consideration.</p>
+
+<p>The fact is, I could not&mdash;nor can I yet&mdash;make up my mind which I like
+best. I love them all, and am convinced they each love me. Position has
+nothing whatever to do with it, for I am only a poor man. Had I money, I
+might perhaps square the difficulty with the mothers; but the girls
+themselves are above mercenary ideas. I am sure, nay, <i>positive</i> that
+they love me for myself alone. They are not even unfriendly disposed
+towards each other, which is the most awkward part of the business. If<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span>
+they would only consent to be locked up in a room together and fight it
+out amongst themselves, I might be able to marry whichever one was left
+alive. But no such thing. Each swears she will not stand in the others'
+way, yet vows suicide if I do not individually marry <i>her</i>. The other
+morning, because I would not give her a decided "Yes," No. 1 ran out of
+the house to drown herself, and I arrived on the scene just in the nick
+of time to pull her back at the water's edge, by the bustle. A day or so
+afterwards, No. 3 put the same question to me, and noticing my
+hesitation, had well-nigh leapt upon the railway metals before I could
+prevent her. I didn't see my <i>fianc&eacute;e</i> that night: but at six o'clock
+the next morning, my landlady knocked me up to say that according to a
+message left with her late at night Miss No. 2 had poisoned herself. For
+an hour or so I was completely stunned; but after that time I dressed
+and ran to the house, to find that the whole affair was a hoax. I intend
+to be even with the fellow who played it on me, yet.</p>
+
+<p>This kind of thing has been going on for more than a week, and I feel
+worried to death. The latest is that, in addition to No. 1, both the
+other girls have taken up their residence with my landlady. I would fly
+if I could, but my business compels me to remain on the spot. The three
+girls follow me about everywhere. I never have a minute's peace. Though
+the greatest of friends, they are at the same time jealous of trusting
+each other alone with me, lest I should commit myself to any rash
+promise. I suppose I am one of those susceptible fellows who falls in
+love with any girl who may encourage him. It must be so. Yet these girls
+are every bit as nice as they are loving and <i>different</i>. No. 1 is very
+young and pretty; my <i>fianc&eacute;e</i> has a splendid figure, and is thoroughly
+domesticated; No. 3 is my counterpart in everything. I love them all,
+and can't for the life of me tell which I like the best. Whatever I do,
+it will be a case of suicide for two of them, or a couple of breach of
+promise actions for me. I ought to have stated before that the mothers
+have taken lodgings in the house as well, so that I am in for a nice
+thing! I would marry all three if the law allowed me; but though the
+girls themselves might not object, yet the prospect of <i>three</i>
+mothers-in-law is too much for one man to contemplate. The most sensible
+arrangement would be, I think, not to marry anybody, but to go on loving
+all three in a perfectly platonic manner until something happened to
+make two of them throw the game up. I dare say the girls would be
+willing enough&mdash;one of them even suggested it herself yesterday; but the
+mothers won't hear of such a thing, their purpose being to bring me to
+the point at once. I am a great favourite with the mothers too; and
+their solicitations that I should marry their respective daughters are
+almost as pressing as are those of the girls themselves. Really I am in
+a most uncomfortable position. Out of doors, as I walk along followed by
+these three young<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> creatures, I am regarded as a noted character, and
+the people everywhere whisper, "There goes the young man with his three
+wives!" I shouldn't mind this in the least if only the mothers would
+pack up their traps and go about their business. But they won't; here
+they stick at my very elbow, calmly waiting for me to say whose daughter
+I really mean to marry. So long as I refuse to give an answer to all
+three, I am safe; but the business is getting just a little bit
+tiresome, and I should heartily like to see my way out of it.</p>
+
+<p>Was there ever anybody in such a predicament before! What shall I do?
+What can I do? Is there any charitably-disposed person here who can
+advise me? No? Then I am a doomed man, and must meet my fate resignedly.
+However, I vow and declare that if by any chance I <i>should</i> get over
+this, I'll not repeat the experiment as long as I live.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>Copyright of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="ETIQUETTE" id="ETIQUETTE"></a>ETIQUETTE.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">W. S. Gilbert.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The <i>Ballyshannon</i> foundered off the coast of Cariboo,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And down in fathoms many went the captain and the crew;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Down went the owners&mdash;greedy men whom hope of gain allured:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh, dry the starting tear, for they were heavily insured.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Besides the captain and the mate, the owners and the crew,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The passengers were also drowned excepting only two:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Young <span class="smcap">Peter Gray</span>, who tasted teas for <span class="smcap">Barber, Croop, and Co.</span>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And <span class="smcap">Somers</span>, who from Eastern shores imported indigo.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">These passengers, by reason of their clinging to a mast,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Upon a desert island were eventually cast.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They hunted for their meals, as <span class="smcap">Alexander Selkirk</span> used,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But they couldn't chat together&mdash;they had not been introduced.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">For <span class="smcap">Peter Gray</span>, and <span class="smcap">Somers</span> too, though certainly in trade,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Were properly particular about the friends they made;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And somehow thus they settled it without a word of mouth&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That <span class="smcap">Gray</span> should take the northern half, while <span class="smcap">Somers</span> took the south.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">On <span class="smcap">Peter's</span> portion oysters grew&mdash;a delicacy rare,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But oysters were a delicacy <span class="smcap">Peter</span> couldn't bear.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On <span class="smcap">Somers'</span> side was turtle, on the shingle lying thick,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which <span class="smcap">Somers</span> couldn't eat, because it always made him sick.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Gray</span> gnashed his teeth with envy as he saw a mighty store<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of turtle unmolested on his fellow-creature's shore.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The oysters at his feet aside impatiently he shoved,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For turtle and his mother were the only things he loved.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And <span class="smcap">Somers</span> sighed in sorrow as he settled in the south,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the thought of <span class="smcap">Peter's</span> oysters brought the water to his mouth.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He longed to lay him down upon the shelly bed, and stuff;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He had often eaten oysters, but had never had enough.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">How they wished an introduction to each other they had had<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When on board the <i>Ballyshannon</i>! And it drove them nearly mad,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To think how very friendly with each other they might get,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If it wasn't for the arbitrary rule of etiquette!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">One day when out hunting for the <i>mus ridiculus</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Gray</span> overheard his fellow-man soliloquising thus:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I wonder how the playmates of my youth are getting on,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">McConnell</span>, <span class="smcap">S. B. Walters</span>, <span class="smcap">Paddy Byles</span>, and <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>?"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">These simple words made <span class="smcap">Peter</span> as delighted as could be,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Old chummies at the Charterhouse were <span class="smcap">Robinson</span> and he!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He walked straight up to <span class="smcap">Somers</span>, then he turned extremely red,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hesitated, hummed and hawed a bit, then cleared his throat, and said:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I beg your pardon&mdash;pray forgive me if I seem too bold,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But you have breathed a name I knew familiarly of old.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You spoke aloud of <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>&mdash;I happened to be by.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You know him?" "Yes, extremely well." "Allow me, so do I."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">It was enough: they felt they could more pleasantly get on,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For (ah, the magic of the fact!) they each knew <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And <span class="smcap">Mr. Somers'</span> turtle was at <span class="smcap">Peter's</span> service quite,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And <span class="smcap">Mr. Somers</span> punished <span class="smcap">Peter's</span> oyster-beds all night.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They soon became like brothers from community of wrongs:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They wrote each other little odes and sang each other songs;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They told each other anecdotes disparaging their wives;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On several occasions, too, they saved each other's lives.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They felt quite melancholy when they parted for the night,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And got up in the morning soon as ever it was light;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Each other's pleasant company they reckoned so upon,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And all because it happened that they both knew <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>!<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They lived for many years on that inhospitable shore,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And day by day they learned to love each other more and more.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At last, to their astonishment, on getting up one day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They saw a frigate anchored in the offing of the bay.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">To <span class="smcap">Peter</span> an idea occurred, "Suppose we cross the main?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So good an opportunity may not be found again."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And <span class="smcap">Somers</span> thought a minute, then ejaculated, "Done!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I wonder how my business in the City's getting on?"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"But stay," said <span class="smcap">Mr. Peter</span>: "when in England, as you know,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I earned a living tasting teas for <span class="smcap">Barber, Croop, and Co.</span>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I may be superseded&mdash;my employers think me dead!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Then come with me," said <span class="smcap">Somers</span>, "and taste indigo instead."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But all their plans were scattered in a moment when they found,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The vessel was a convict ship from Portland outward bound;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When a boat came off to fetch them, though they felt it very kind,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To go on board they firmly but respectfully declined.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">As both the happy settlers roared with laughter at the joke,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They recognised a gentlemanly fellow pulling stroke:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twas <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>&mdash;a convict, in an unbecoming frock!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Condemned to seven years for misappropriating stock!!!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They laughed no more, for <span class="smcap">Somers</span> thought he had been rather rash<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In knowing one whose friend had misappropriated cash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And <span class="smcap">Peter</span> thought a foolish tack he must have gone upon<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In making the acquaintance of a friend of <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">At first they didn't quarrel very openly, I've heard;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They nodded when they met, and now and then exchanged a word:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The word grew rare, and rarer still the nodding of the head,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And when they meet each other now, they cut each other dead.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">To allocate the island they agreed by word of mouth,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And <span class="smcap">Peter</span> takes the north again, and <span class="smcap">Somers</span> takes the south;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And <span class="smcap">Peter</span> has the oysters, which he hates in layers thick,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And <span class="smcap">Somers</span> has the turtle&mdash;turtle always makes him sick.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="A_LOST_SHEPHERD" id="A_LOST_SHEPHERD"></a>A LOST SHEPHERD.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Frank Barrett.</span></h3>
+
+<p>Winklehaven was once a very bad place. Roads, trade,
+drainage&mdash;everything was as bad as it could be. The fishermen
+were bad, and beat their wives, and their wives were bad and
+deserved all the beating they got, and more. The fish caught
+there was bad before it went to market. The very parson was
+bad, and preached the excisemen to sleep whilst Red Robert and
+Black Bill ran their cargo of smuggled bad brandy.</p>
+
+<p>Families who should have been respectable were not. Parents
+whipped their children into rebellion and then cut them off with
+shillings&mdash;bad ones, of course. Wards defied their guardians,
+and invariably fell in love contrary to the arrangements of their
+seniors. All the young men ran away with all the eligible
+young women.</p>
+
+<p>The natural result was that after a dozen years from the
+time when Winklehaven stood at its worst, the population of
+the town consisted of infirm old people suffering from remorse,
+gout, and other afflictions proceeding from the excesses of youth,
+and such spinsters as were rejected by the young rakes of the
+preceding era. The moral aspect of the place changed in those
+years; it was no longer unholy, but, indeed, the most virtuous
+of human settlements.</p>
+
+<p>The fishermen were too old and weak to beat their wives, and
+their failing memories could supply them with no oaths suitable
+to express their feelings. The wicked parson and the smugglers
+were no more; there wasn't a young man in the place, and the
+ladies who called themselves young were irreproachable.</p>
+
+<p>It might strike the unthinking as an extraordinary peculiarity
+that a place so very, very good should require a curate in
+addition to a deaf rector. Nevertheless such was the case&mdash;a
+curate was wanted, and wanted very much by the congregation
+of St. Tickleimpit's&mdash;the unblemished spinsters, who called
+themselves young. They would have a curate, and Mr.
+Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., they had.</p>
+
+<p>Now as the snow falls like a veil of purity over the face of
+the earth, only to melt and besmirch it before the lasting season
+of blossoming sweetness, so Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., came
+to Winklehaven and passed away before it attained to its
+present buttercup-and-daisy condition of virtue; and the
+manner of his going this pen shall tell.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., was a curate of the deepest dye.
+He had not so much principle as a bankrupt, and he came to
+Winklehaven with the settled purpose of marrying the richest
+and least objectionable of his congregation. The difficulties in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span>
+his way were few. In personal appearance and demeanour he
+was so simple and sweet that even the rector was mistaken and
+thought him a fool, and what more could a girl of five-and-forty
+desire?</p>
+
+<p>It was not a question which he <i>could</i> marry from amongst the
+eighteen or twenty tempting creatures around him, but rather
+which he should reject. They surrounded him like a glory
+wherever he went, waiting for him at his coming out and never
+leaving him until his going in. Seldom less than half-a-dozen
+spinsters accompanied him; they liked him too much and each
+other too little to trust him with one alone. And they wrote
+letters to him marked "private," containing the burning
+thoughts they dared not express in the presence of their sisters.
+Each was tantamount to an offer of marriage; but he was yet
+undecided in his selection, and replied to all with touching yet
+ambiguous texts. At this time he suffered somewhat from
+bile, for his most active exercise was wool-winding, and the
+ladies buttered his toast on both sides and the edges.</p>
+
+<p>But anon there came a man with a black beard and a devil-may-care aspect
+to Winklehaven, and took for six months the cottage on the deserted West
+Cliff, which had belonged to Black Bill in the bad old times.</p>
+
+<p>The stranger snubbed the inquisitive tradesman of whom he bought his
+groceries; he ordered his bacon by the side, his beer by the barrel, and
+his whisky by the largest of stone bottles. He laughed aloud when he
+passed in the High Street Mr. Lambe with the three Misses Cockle on one
+side of him, and the three Misses Crabbe on the other. The ladies had
+not any doubt that he was a bold bad man, and declared one and all that
+nothing would tempt them to venture upon that dreadful West Cliff.</p>
+
+<p>But, sinners being so few, they could not but feel interested in this
+man with the black beard and dark eyes, and when he came not to church
+on Sunday they implored the rector to visit him.</p>
+
+<p>The rector said he would not go (and privately swore it, in episcopal
+terms, for he hated walking and sinners equally), but he offered the
+services of his curate; and the congregation, though it fain would have
+spared its pet curate so dangerous a mission, could not refuse to
+accept.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., found it difficult to conceal his delight at
+the prospect before him, for an excess of ladies and butter was killing
+him. He had not enjoyed half an hour's freedom in the open air since his
+arrival at Winklehaven; it seemed to him years since he smoked a morning
+pipe. His bowels yearned towards beer from the barrel and whiskey from
+stone jars.</p>
+
+<p>That last evening he was ever to spend in his lodgings at Winklehaven he
+occupied in preparations for the morrow. He<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> looked up the pipe he had
+brought with him but never smoked, and tobacco&mdash;dry and dusty, yet
+fragrant as hay new mown, and pipe-lights, and a French novel; these he
+stuffed into the pockets of his alpaca coat, ingeniously overlaying them
+with his pamphlet confuting the doctrines of the Primitive Bedlamites.
+In the morning he rose gaily; and when he had parted with his anxious
+flock at the foot of the west hill, he ascended the steep path, like a
+cherub climbing a cloud, without sense of exertion, and as one who is
+resolved to make a day of it.</p>
+
+<p>A walk of two miles was before him, but he did not hurry himself after
+he had lost sight of the spinsters and the church weathercock. He
+stopped, took off his collar and band, bared his shirt front to the
+breeze, and took a deep inspiration. Then he threw himself on the thymy
+grass and tasted liberty. He smoked three pipes; he read two chapters
+and a half of the novel, skipping the moral parts; he dropped the book,
+turned over on his chest, and with his clerical hat tilted sideways over
+his eyes, he watched the distant ships for half an hour; after that he
+lay on his back, drew a handkerchief over his eyes and went to sleep. He
+slumbered for two blessed hours, and then waking athirst, thought kindly
+of the sinner who kept his beer in barrels and whisky in cool stoneware.</p>
+
+<p>So he pulled himself into Evangelical shape again and stepped out
+briskly for the smuggler's cottage, smacking his lips. But, alas, the
+cottage door was barred, and there was no trace of the black-bearded
+sinner, save a flitch of bacon and the beer barrel which stood in the
+most inaccessible of pantries.</p>
+
+<p>He must wait. Once more he sat upon the short grass, and to beguile the
+time, drew out the budget of letters sent by his admiring congregation.
+He read them through, one after another, with the view of forming a
+comparative estimate of the writer's value, but the difficulty of
+selecting one seemed greater than ever.</p>
+
+<p>The temporal and spiritual worth of each was represented by
+<i>x</i>. With the chance of facilitating his choice he had recourse
+to his pencil, with which he was tolerably skilful, and on the
+back of each letter he drew a portrait of its sender. These
+spinsters were beyond flattery, so he caricatured them to find
+which must certainly be rejected as the worst looking.</p>
+
+<p>In this amusing occupation the time would have passed unheeded but for
+Mr. Lambe's increasing dryness. There was no water to be had, no, nor
+wine, and the interior of the young curate's mouth felt like brown paper
+to his tongue. It suddenly came to his mind that a dip in the cool sea
+would refresh his body, now suffering from external in addition to
+internal dryness. For the hour was two, the month July, and the sun
+unclouded, and he determined at once to bathe, wondering why he had not
+availed himself of this blessing of freedom. Except in a footbath he had
+not bathed during the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> term of his curacy at Winklehaven. How could he,
+where there was neither seclusion nor bathing machine?</p>
+
+<p>The tide was at ebb, and a long stretch of sand lay between the cliff
+and the sea; but near the water's edge stood a rock, and thither Mr.
+Lambe betook himself. On the cliff side was a little shelf dried by the
+sun, and on this he laid his clothes neatly; then with a smile
+irradiating his countenance, he slapped his thin legs and ran down into
+the bursting waves. Quickly he lost all thought of thirst&mdash;of
+everything, save the enjoyment of the moment. He swam in every
+conceivable position, bent in girlish fashion to meet the coming waves,
+and floundered about like a porpoise.</p>
+
+<p>It was whilst turning over head and heels that he caught sight of that
+which, in a moment, sobered him&mdash;a petticoat upon the cliff&mdash;another,
+another! yet others, each with a wearer! They were not a thousand yards
+from the cottage on the cliff&mdash;those ladies whose outlines he
+recognised, even at their remote distance from him. Full well he knew
+they had come to look for him. What was he to do? How could he face
+them, how avoid? He had thought to dry himself like a raisin in the sun;
+that now was impossible. Equally impracticable was it to clothe himself
+wet; before he had a sock on he would be observed, for there was no
+ledge upon the sea-ward side of the rock, and the flowing waves already
+touched its base.</p>
+
+<p>The only place of concealment was behind the rock, and there he must
+stay until the ladies retired.</p>
+
+<p>He lay in the water, and through a chink in the rock watched his
+pursuers; their voices, in high-pitched consultation, reached his ear.</p>
+
+<p>They examined the cottage on the cliff, and then descended to the rocks
+at its base. It was only natural that the ladies should think their
+beloved curate murdered. They had not seen him for six hours; and his
+destruction at the hands of the black-bearded man was the worst
+explanation of his protracted absence that entered their imagination.
+This fear had led them to follow in his footsteps; and now, as they
+poked their sun-shades in the fissures of the rocks, it was with the
+expectation of finding his corpse.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lambe was fervently thankful that the rising tide kept them from his
+place of concealment, and watched their movements fixedly, until the
+cramp seized his leg; and then, in the limited space of his seclusion,
+he exercised his ingenuity to keep the vital heat within him.</p>
+
+<p>Occasionally he glanced at the shore. When the ladies were fatigued,
+they systematically divided their number&mdash;one going to search, whilst
+the other rested. Hour after hour passed, and every minute brought fresh
+cramps and racking pains to the limbs of the sodden curate. He had to
+put his lips between his teeth, lest their violent chattering should
+proclaim his where<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span>abouts; and he cried like a child when he found his
+body assuming the blue tints of an unboiled lobster.</p>
+
+<p>But still those doting spinsters poked amongst the sea-weed with
+unceasing zeal.</p>
+
+<p>The sun was wearing the horizon, when he heard a scream, and beheld the
+second Miss Cockle pointing in the direction of his rock.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lambe was perplexed: it was impossible that his eye, peeping through
+the small chink, had been discovered; but a moment later his perplexity
+gave place to horror, as he perceived his hat bobbing gaily on the waves
+between him and the shore. It was followed by his stockings, and behind
+them in procession his waistcoat, coat&mdash;everything! all washed away from
+the nice little ledge by the rising tide. He had never given his clothes
+a thought from the moment he neatly packed them. But had that
+consideration entered his mind, it could only have added to his anxiety:
+for it would have been impossible to get them from the place where they
+lay on the coast-side of the rock without displaying himself. Heedless
+of their boots, the ladies hooked at the oncoming vestments with their
+sunshades; and, now, one has his collar, another his dear hat, and a
+third his blessed braces, whilst their cries of woe echo along the
+coast.</p>
+
+<p>When his coat was fished out, what could be expected, but that the
+ladies all should dash at his pockets with a view to gratifying their
+curiosity, and rescuing the letters which betrayed their most private
+feelings.</p>
+
+<p>With groans, Mr. Lambe beheld his pipe and tobacco brought forth, amidst
+cries of astonishment, then the French novel; and, finally, the bundle
+of letters. He could not bear to see the result, when each, seizing the
+letter in her own handwriting, should find her caricature thereon; and
+dropping his head, he beat it with his fist&mdash;partly in frenzy, partly to
+promote the circulation of his stagnating blood.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+
+<p>The black-bearded man returned to the cottage as the ladies, carrying
+the only remains they could find of their curate, were leaving his
+vicinity. He was not displeased that he was later than usual in
+returning; for although he loved the beautiful, he did not like the
+ladies of Winklehaven.</p>
+
+<p>He lived by painting pictures, this pariah of the West Cliff;
+nevertheless, he had some good qualities, and when half an hour later a
+nude study, shivering and wet, presented itself in his doorway craving
+to be taken in out of the night wind, he asked no question until he had
+wrapped him in warm blankets, and filled him with strong liquors.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Lillywhite Lambe never returned to his curacy, never married a rich
+spinster. His disappearance was not inquired<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> into deeply. Some people
+preferred to think of him as dead and sainted. He was supposed to be
+drowned, and his ghost was said to be visible at times upon the West
+Cliff&mdash;generally with a pipe in his mouth. And as his costume was that
+of the black man, who was habitually at his side, it was further
+supposed that he had, in that first visit to the cottage on the cliff,
+sold himself to the D&mdash;&mdash;.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="A_MATHEMATIC_MADNESS" id="A_MATHEMATIC_MADNESS"></a>A MATHEMATIC MADNESS.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">F. P. Dempster.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">For months I had been "grinding" Mathematics day and night<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When Miss McGirton cast on my affections such a blight;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My mind unhinged now only creaks, and when I tell my woes<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'm forced to lisp in <i>numbers</i> what I'd rather say in prose.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Sweet maiden <i>perpendicular</i>! She gave a <i>slanting</i> sigh<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As o'er my kneeling form she cast a calculating eye.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Ah! well" said I, "you <i>cipher</i> me, for if you'll not be mine<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From out this pocket next my heart I'll <i>straight produce a line</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So ere you are, dear <i>Polly</i>, <i>gone</i>, pray heed your lover's vow,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or he dangles <i>at right angles</i> to some <i>horizontal</i> bough."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The maid flew in no <i>frustrum</i>&mdash;like your giddy gushing girls&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But standing calm and frigid, shook her strictly <i>spiral</i> curls,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And said, "You see we're equal as to station: very well!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Our paths in life could never meet, because they're parallel.</i>"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Her voice was so serrated that I fled this maid antique;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then, approaching her <i>obliquely</i>, <i>at a tangent</i> took her cheek!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The kiss was too <i>elliptical</i>! She vanished into space!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a circulating obelisk now marks the fatal place.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Weeks fled. My doctor shook his head and said, "You must embark<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For an utter change." I did: and went aboard a leaky <i>Arc</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Bound for the hot <i>Quadratics</i>, where I landed for a week,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And joined the aborigines in every savage freak.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I felled primeval forests with the <i>axes of a cube</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At the feathery <i>Parabolas</i> I aimed the loaded tube;<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span><span class="i0">(For while aboard the Arc, you see, I found on <i>deck a gun</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And, cunning as a Crusoe, put it by for future fun.)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While safe within some <i>brackets</i> I have watched those bulky brutes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The snorting <i>Parallelograms</i> that feed upon <i>square roots</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their noise would rouse the forest till each denizen therein<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Woke up and did its "level best" to swell the horrid din.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh! the shrieking of the <i>Cylinder</i>! the <i>Pyramid's base</i> moan,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The clucking of the <i>Sector</i> and the cooing of the <i>Cone</i>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then a lull perhaps, while distant ululations would reveal<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The natives chanting grace before their missionary meal.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In truth it was an evil place, for a <i>Vinculum</i> might rise<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At any moment in your path and wobble its wild eyes;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And oft, when looking for a <i>log</i> I'd shake in ev'ry joint<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For fear some deadly <i>Decimal</i> might sting me with its <i>point</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At last I plucked up courage, though, and even gained renown<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In getting gallant trophies for my home in Camden Town:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I killed the cruel <i>Quatrefoil</i> to take her snarling cub,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or doubled up a cannibal to get his graven club;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I trapped the roaring <i>Rhombuses</i>, those beasts of fearful strength,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the <i>Parallelopipedon</i>, a snake of awful length;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oft I bestrode the <i>Algebra</i> and charged in wild career<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The proud opaque <i>Hypotenuse</i> and jabbed him with my spear.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Tis past! I'm now in London: yet my reason's all awry.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'm yearning for a vanished maid who gave a slanting sigh.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor may we meet in Dreamland: e'en there I'm robbed of rest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For a wizened old <i>Trapezium</i> sits sulking on my chest;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or two <i>triangles</i> she jangles with a semilunar leer,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Till I wake&mdash;with hair erect&mdash;in one <i>diagonal</i> of fear!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And mark to the clang of <i>symbols</i>, phantom figures march all day<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In <i>co-efficient</i> cohorts&mdash;<i>Major Axis</i> leads the way.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In short, from early morn until I shuffle off to bed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But one equation's clear to me,&mdash;<i>o</i>=<i>ayz</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="WAITING_AT_TOTTLEPOT" id="WAITING_AT_TOTTLEPOT"></a>WAITING AT TOTTLEPOT.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">J. Ashby-Sterry.</span></h3>
+
+<p>An hour to wait! Well that's a nuisance, but I suppose there is no help
+for it.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot possibly go on without my portmanteau. And they may send the
+wrong one after all. I believe my friend the dismal porter&mdash;the faded
+misanthrope in corduroys, only telegraphed for a brown portmanteau.
+There are probably twenty brown portmanteaux at this present moment
+waiting at Jigby Junction, and if I know anything of railway officials,
+they will be sure to send the wrong one. So here I must wait.</p>
+
+<p>I suppose I must have made a mistake in the train. No trap, dog-cart, or
+conveyance of any kind to meet me from Clewmere. Wonder whether they had
+my telegram. The Faded Misanthrope says he is quite certain nothing has
+been over from Clewmere since the day before yesterday. And then he says
+Sir Charles and some of the young ladies came in the waggonette. They
+waited to see two trains in, he told me, and then drove away saying
+there must be some mistake. Hope I did not say Tuesday instead of
+Thursday, or what is far more likely, write Thursday to look like
+Tuesday. I ask my friend the porter if there is any other way of getting
+to Clewmere. "No," he says, "it is a longish walk, a matter of twelve or
+thirteen miles, and a pretty rough road too."</p>
+
+<p>"Now," he says "if it had only been Saturday instead of Thursday, there
+is Smaggleton's 'bus, as 'ud put you down within five minutes' walk of
+the lodge. Smaggleton don't run every day, he don't; he only runs o'
+Saturdays, bein' market day at Stamborough, and a pooty full load he
+gets there and back, which pays Smaggleton very well. And Smaggleton
+wants it," he continues, "what with the branch line to Stamborough,
+Smaggleton's business ain't what it was; he can't afford to turn up his
+nose at a few farmers and their missusses now-a-days. Smaggleton must
+take things as they come&mdash;the good and the bad, the rough and the
+smooth&mdash;as well as the rest of us. Lor, bless you, Sir, I recollect when
+Smaggleton used to drive about in his dog-cart, in a light top coat, a
+white hat and a rose in his button-hole, he always was quite the&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>As I do not feel particularly interested in the rise, progress or
+downfall of Smaggleton, I am obliged to interrupt my garrulous friend,
+and ask if they did not let out flys at the Crackleton Arms, hard by. He
+informs me, they certainly do "in a usual way." But he adds, they have
+only two flys. One is having something done to the wheels, and the other
+went away early this morning to take some friends of Squire Bullamore's
+to a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> pic-nic. He furthermore tells me that Cudgerry, the carrier, would
+perhaps be able to give me a lift, but he would not be here till seven
+o'clock this evening. As they dine at Clewmere at eight, of course
+Cudgerry is quite out of the question. My friend shakes his head, he
+retires into a dark, greasy room, which seems to be devoted to lamps,
+and I continue my walk up and down the platform.</p>
+
+<p>Cannot imagine why they ever built a station at Tottlepot. Nobody ever
+wants to stop at Tottlepot, there is no trade at Tottlepot&mdash;indeed,
+nobody ought to be allowed to stop at Tottlepot; and Tottlepot as a
+Station ought to be forthwith disestablished and erased from the railway
+map of Great Britain. If I had left the train at Jigby Junction, I
+should not have lost my portmanteau, I could have hired a fly, and
+should by this time have been quietly lunching at Clewmere Court instead
+of pacing up and down the Tottlepot platform like a wild beast in his
+den.</p>
+
+<p>I have often waited at stations before. Every kind of station, little
+and big, all over the Continent and England, and have generally found
+that waiting productive of considerable amusement. But Tottlepot is
+quite a different thing. I think it was Albert Smith who once spoke of
+the depth of dulness being achieved by "spending a wet Sunday, all by
+yourself, in a hack cab in the middle of Salisbury Plain." Had he been
+compelled to wait on a fine Thursday at Tottlepot he would have
+discovered a depth yet lower. The only thing in my favour is, it is
+fine. If it were wet I cannot imagine what I should do. There is a small
+room I see labelled "Waiting-Room." It is about the size of a
+bathing-machine and half filled with parcels and bandboxes. If you had
+to wait there you would be compelled to sit with your legs right across
+the down platform; the only use of that waiting-room would be to keep
+your hat dry.</p>
+
+<p>There is not a refreshment room, there is not even a book-stall. I cannot
+even cheer myself with an ancient bath bun, a glass of cloudy beer, or
+two penny-worth of acidulated drops. (If there happened to be a
+refreshment room at Tottlepot that is exactly the kind of refreshment
+they would give you). Neither can I pass away the time by purchasing a
+penny paper, and taking a free read of all the novels and publications
+awaiting purchasers. There are no advertisements, no lovely oil
+paintings of sea-side resorts, which are all the more charming from
+being not the least like the place they are supposed to represent; there
+are no bills of entertainments; no auctioneers' and house-agents'
+notices; no posters concerning hotels, nor glass-cases containing
+photographic specimens. It is just the place for Mark Tapley to come to
+as station-master. And he, with all his power of being jolly under the
+most disadvantageous circumstances, would probably be found under the
+wheels of a passing express within a fortnight.</p>
+
+<p>And talking about the station-master reminds me I have not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> yet seen
+him. Possibly my friend, the Faded Misanthrope in corduroys, is
+station-master. If so, he has to clean the lamps, send telegrams, take
+and issue tickets, look after the baggage, attend to the signals,
+cultivate his garden, pay visits to the Crackleton Arms, and superintend
+the traffic of the station generally. I do not wonder at his appearing
+to be somewhat depressed. The only thing of a lively nature I see about
+the place is a fine black cat, with enormous green eyes, which might be
+utilised as "caution" signals when the porter, in consequence of his
+multifarious duties, was unable to reach the signal-box. This cat was
+evidently very much pleased to see me indeed. It followed me up and down
+the platform like a dog, and it purred like a saw-pit in full work.</p>
+
+<p>A very tiny pale governess, with two big bouncing rosy girls, in the
+highest of spirits, the shortest of petticoats and the longest of hair,
+cross the line. I fancy those young ladies are daughters of the Vicar,
+and I may meet their excellent mamma at dinner to-night. The governess
+passes demurely through the side wicket. One of her charges tries to do
+a sort of Blondin feat by walking along the glistening iron rail and
+falls down; the eldest boldly clambers over the five-barred gate and
+shows a shapely pair of legs, clad in sable hose and snow-white frilled
+pantalettes. "What did I tell you, Lil?" says the governess in the
+mildest voice to the first. "Very well, Gil, wait till we get home!" she
+remarks in yet sweeter tones to the second. The two children rejoin her
+at once and take her hand, and disappear down the lane. I am left to
+wonder how she acquires this influence over them, for they are as tall
+as she is and infinitely stronger&mdash;they could eat her, were they so
+minded. I wonder too what will happen to Gil when they get home? Will
+mamma be told? No, I fancy this mild little governess is quite equal to
+controlling, unaided, these big bouncing girls.</p>
+
+<p>My friend the porter has by this time got through a quantity of business
+of a varied nature, and is enjoying a little light relaxation by digging
+violently in his garden. He has taken off his jacket, and a good deal of
+his depression seems to have been removed at the same time&mdash;it <i>must</i> be
+depressing to be compelled to reside in a somewhat tight corduroy jacket
+all your life&mdash;and as he digs he hums to himself a sort of merry dirge.
+I endeavour to enter into the spirit of the thing, and sympathise with
+him in his relaxation. I say cheerfully, as if I knew all about it, "Ah!
+nice fine weather for the&mdash;&mdash;!" I cannot for the life of me think what
+it is nice fine weather for. My friend says, "Eh?" I observe he is not
+so respectful in his private as in his porterial capacity. I reply,
+"Quite so!" whereupon he rejoins, "Ha! but we could do wi' a bit o' rain
+for the&mdash;&mdash;." Cannot catch remainder of his sentence; but I never yet
+met a gardener who couldn't "do wi' a bit o' rain" for something or
+other.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>We begin to be quite voluble on the subject of plants and crops. I find
+he knows so much more on the subject than I do, but I merely nod my head
+and smile weakly and presently move quietly away. When I reach the other
+end of the platform I hear the sharp jingle of the telegraph bell and
+the jerk of the signal levers. Presently a very prim and neat
+station-master appears, who looks as if he had just been turned out of
+one of the band-boxes in the waiting room. There is also a very active
+boy porter, who is apparently trying to run over the station-master with
+a truck. My old friend is walking slowly along the platform. He has left
+the gay horticulturist in the garden, and has assumed the Faded
+Misanthrope with his corduroy jacket. He tells me that the train is now
+coming&mdash;the one that will bring my portmanteau. The train presently
+stops; a few dazed agriculturists, and a very stout fussy old lady,
+half-a-dozen milk cans, and my portmanteau are put out.</p>
+
+<p>I am gazing at the latter to be quite sure it is my own, when I hear
+myself addressed by name. I turn round and see a smart groom whose face
+I know well. "Anything else beside the portmanteau, sir?" he says,
+touching his hat. "Sir Charles is outside with the waggonette; the new
+pair is a little bit fresh, and he don't like to leave 'em."</p>
+
+<p>That is all right. I think to myself I shall dine at Clewmere after all.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="MARRIED_TO_A_GIANTESS" id="MARRIED_TO_A_GIANTESS"></a>MARRIED TO A GIANTESS.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Walter Parke.</span></h3>
+
+<p>I loved her with all my heart, and, indeed, it took all my heart to
+accomplish the feat; for, in sooth, there was a great deal&mdash;a very great
+deal&mdash;of her to love. Although only "sweet seventeen," she had reached
+the commanding stature of nine feet nine inches, and, to use the words
+of a familiar advertisement, she was "still growing."</p>
+
+<p>From my childhood I had doated on the gigantic, loved the lofty, admired
+the massive, and had a weakness for strength. The tales I best loved
+were those of giants.</p>
+
+<p>Can you wonder, then, that when I heard that the celebrated Samothracian
+Giantess, Goliathina Immensikoff, from the wilds of Wallachia, the
+largest woman in the world, was approaching London, my soul was stirred
+by the news as by a trumpet-call?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> I read with the deepest interest the
+accounts of her antecedents. I learnt how she was discovered in the
+Wilds of Wallachia by Whiteley, the World's Provider, who had "taken her
+from the bosom of her family"&mdash;and here I could not help exclaiming,
+"What a stupendous 'bosom' that 'family' must have had!"</p>
+
+<p>As I reclined on my sofa, smoking the largest possible meerschaum, and
+reading with absorbing interest these accounts of one who was certainly
+"born to greatness," I suddenly came to a terrific and almost appalling
+resolve. Involuntarily I exclaimed, aloud, "She shall be mine!"</p>
+
+<p>Yet how could I hope for success? To win so great a being one must be
+not only a lady-killer, but a giant-killer also; and though I bear a
+"big" name myself&mdash;Hector Gogmagog&mdash;Nature has denied me either
+extraordinary personal attractions or lofty stature. How hopeless, then,
+for me to aspire to the affection of the Monumental Maiden of
+Samothracia! Five feet five pitted against nine feet nine is to be
+pitted indeed!</p>
+
+<p>But love laughs at obstacles. That evening I went to the Royal Escurial
+Theatre, where Mademoiselle Goliathina was performing, and sat
+enthralled to witness her impersonation of the Queen of Brobdingnag. The
+pictures had not exaggerated. She was "every inch a queen"&mdash;a phrase of
+some significance when the number of inches mounts up to one hundred and
+seventeen.</p>
+
+<p>The next step was to get an introduction. This I accomplished to my
+satisfaction, and though at first naturally overawed by her Leviathan
+aspect, thenceforward my wooing proceeded rapidly. I had several
+interviews with the colossal charmer, at which I had the satisfaction of
+discovering that I was more in her eyes than some other men who were
+nearer to herself in point of stature. Words of encouragement coming
+from those lips, so near and yet so far away, words spoken in soft
+Wallachian, yet in tones that Stentor might have envied&mdash;elevated me to
+the seventh heaven of pride and delight. I already felt taller by
+inches&mdash;but what was <i>that</i> to her nine feet nine?</p>
+
+<p>I sent her the very biggest bouquets, such as occupied a whole hansom
+cab each; love letters, their weight barely covered by eight stamps; and
+valentines that would only go by parcels delivery.</p>
+
+<p>All this had its effect. She would have been less than woman, instead of
+a very great deal <i>more</i>&mdash;had she been insensible to my devotion. Can I
+ever forget what the poet ecstatically calls "the first kiss of
+love"&mdash;how, at considerable inconvenience to herself, she bent that
+statuesque form to accommodate herself to my limited stature? That
+<i>was</i>, indeed, "stooping to conquer."</p>
+
+<p>Yet with all this encouragement, it was in fear and trembling that I
+approached the momentous question. Fancy a refusal from those lips. It
+would be crushing indeed!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Dearest Goliathina," I said, standing upon the head of the sofa, in
+order to place myself upon something like her own exalted level, "say,
+oh, say you will be mine. You may be sure of my lifelong devotion. You
+will be all in all to me, and, in fact, much more than all; for you are
+far too large to be merely my better half. I shall always make much of
+you, and look up to you as one infinitely above me. Fortunately, I have
+a large heart; but as you occupy it entirely, it would be perfectly
+impossible for me to find room for any other object. Were you to reject
+me, there would be an immeasurable void in my life, and who else is
+capable of filling it?"</p>
+
+<p>She was evidently affected; for what the poet calls a "big round
+tear"&mdash;and goodness knows <i>how</i> big round tear it was in this
+case&mdash;could be perceived starting from each of her moonlike eyes. I
+clasped her hand&mdash;which in point of length was a <i>foot</i>&mdash;and she did not
+withdraw it.</p>
+
+<p>"Fondest Hector," she responded, "I am thine!"</p>
+
+<p>And she leant her head upon my shoulder. I staggered; but by the
+exertion of all my strength I was able for some moments to sustain that
+delicious burden.</p>
+
+<p>Our wedding took place before the Registrar, who, being of a nervous
+temperament, was so overwhelmed at the towering dimensions of the bride,
+that he could scarcely get through the ceremony. It was all as private
+as so abnormal an affair could possibly be kept, and for a time the
+famous female colossus figured no longer at the Royal Escurial as Queen
+Brobdingnag, a substitute only six feet two inches having been provided.</p>
+
+<p>Marrying a giantess has its inconveniences. I had to have a house built
+with exceptionally lofty rooms and doors ten feet high, with furniture
+on a corresponding scale. An ordinary carriage was of no use to my wife,
+whose size also frightened the horses; so we had a sort of triumphal car
+built, drawn by a circus elephant. It was expensive, but an excellent
+advertisement in a theatrical sense. She could never walk out without
+being mobbed, and terrifying babies. She dared not visit a friend's
+house for fear of frightening the children and destroying the furniture.
+And fancy her at a dance! Moreover, our housekeeping expenses were
+something frightful.</p>
+
+<p>Anon, darker shadows hovered around our domestic sphere. Her temper
+proved to be at times uncertain. At the least attempt to thwart any of
+her strange caprices, she grew infuriated; and when annoyed, she had a
+way of putting me on the top of a high bookcase, or locking me up in a
+cupboard, box, or trunk&mdash;for I have said all our belongings were on a
+gigantic scale&mdash;which was peculiarly humiliating.</p>
+
+<p>About this time we became acquainted with Morlock Mastodon, Drum-Major
+to his highness the Grand Duke of Samothracia. The Major, though of
+small stature compared with my wife, was considered a giant by ordinary
+men, being seven feet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> ten in height. My fondness for giants rendered
+him an eligible acquaintance to me. Mrs. Gogmagog naturally took to one
+of her own gigantic species; and the Major was pleased to say that ours
+was the only comfortable and commodious house in England&mdash;he meant the
+only one in which the doors were ten feet high, and the chair-seats four
+feet from the ground. Anyhow, he soon made himself at home with us&mdash;too
+<i>much</i> at home, as I couldn't help thinking. I didn't mind him and my
+wife being good friends; but when, in their gigantic loftiness, they
+seemed to overlook me altogether, I began to entertain natural feelings
+of jealousy. Besides, the Major owed me money&mdash;large sums in proportion
+to his size, which he had borrowed under the obviously false pretence
+that he was "<i>very short</i> just now;" and he seemed in no hurry to pay it
+back. What could I do? It was rather a risky thing to expostulate with a
+man of seven feet ten; and to turn him out of the house would have been
+a task altogether beyond my physical strength. At all events I could
+resolve that he should never enter it again; and I gave strict
+injunctions that always in future when Major Mastodon called there was
+to be "nobody at home."</p>
+
+<p>Moreover, I actually summoned up courage to tell my wife of my
+resolution, and even to remonstrate with her upon her own demeanour
+towards the gallant and gigantic Major. Then she got into a rage. And
+<i>such</i> a rage! Heavens! what had I done? What would become of me? I was
+as one who had called down upon his devoted head the wrath of the gods
+or of the Titans.</p>
+
+<p>She drew herself up to her full height of nearly ten feet, her eyes
+glared like those of a demoniac, and grasping my arm in her Herculean
+clutch, she lifted me bodily from the ground.</p>
+
+<p>"Hands off!" I exclaimed, struggling. "Hit one your own size!"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>My</i> own size!" she thundered, in a <i>contralto profundo</i> voice that
+shook the very roof. "Where am I to find 'em? The only person
+approximating to my own size you have forbidden the house. You&mdash;<i>you</i>
+dare try and control my actions&mdash;you, whom I could crush like a
+blue-bottle&mdash;attempt to dictate to <i>me</i>! I will stand this no longer.
+You have offended me once too often. You die!"</p>
+
+<p>"Beware, fearful female!" I gasped. "Colossal as you are, the arm of the
+law is still longer and even stronger than yours. Kill me, and you will
+assuredly die for it!"</p>
+
+<p>She gave a laugh of scorn.</p>
+
+<p>"Me?" she cried. "Do you believe they would hang <i>me</i>? No; I am above
+all laws, and I have sworn that you shall die!"</p>
+
+<p>And in spite of my struggles she flung me, as easily as if I had been a
+doll, right out of the third storey window. Down I fell, down, down,
+till I&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&mdash;&mdash; found myself on the floor. I had tumbled off the sofa, and so
+awakened from my terrific dream. Heavens! what a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> relief to find that
+after all I was <i>not</i> married to a giantess, that it was all a vision
+due to my falling asleep over the advertisement, and that Mdlle.
+Goliathina was but a gigantic nightmare.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="THE_VISION_OF_THE_ALDERMAN" id="THE_VISION_OF_THE_ALDERMAN"></a>THE VISION OF THE ALDERMAN.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Henry S. Leigh.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">An Alderman sat at a festive board,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Quaffing the blood-red wine,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And many a Bacchanal stave outpour'd<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">In praise of the fruitful vine.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Turtle and salmon and Strasbourg pie<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Pippins and cheese were there;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the bibulous Alderman wink'd his eye,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">For the sherris was old and rare.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But a cloud came o'er his gaze eftsoons,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And his wicked old orbs grew dim;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then drink turn'd each of the silver spoons<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">To a couple of spoons for <i>him</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He bow'd his head at the festive board,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">By the gaslight's dazzling gleam:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He bow'd his head and he slept and snor'd,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And he dream'd a fearful dream.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Far, carried away on the wings of Sleep,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">His spirit was onward borne,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Till he saw vast holiday crowds in Chepe<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">On a ninth November morn.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Guns were booming and bells ding-dong'd,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Ethiop minstrels play'd;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And still, wherever the burghers throng'd,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Brisk jongleurs drove their trade.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Scarlet Sheriffs, the City's pride,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">With a portly presence fill'd<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The whole of the courtyard just outside<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The hall of their ancient Guild.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And in front of the central gateway there,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">A marvellous chariot roll'd,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Like gingerbread at a country fair<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">'Twas cover'd with blazing gold).<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And a being, array'd in pomp and pride<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Was brought to the big stone gate;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And they begg'd that being to mount and ride<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">In that elegant coach of state.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But, oh! he was fat, so ghastly fat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Was that being of pomp and pride,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That, in spite of many attempts thereat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">He <i>couldn't</i> be pushed inside.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">That being was press'd, but press'd in vain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Till the drops bedew'd his cheek;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The gilded vehicle rock'd again,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And the springs began to creak.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The slumbering alderman groan'd a groan,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">For a vision he seem'd to trace,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some horrible semblance to <i>his own</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i1">In that being's purple face.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And, "Oh!" he cried, as he started up;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"Sooner than come to <i>that</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Farewell for ever the baneful cup<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And the noxious turtle fat!"&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They carried him up the winding-stair;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">They laid him upon the bed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And they left him, sleeping the sleep of care,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">With an ache in his nightcapp'd head.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of</i> <span class="smcap">Messrs. Chatto &amp; Windus</span>.)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="THE_DEMON_SNUFFERS" id="THE_DEMON_SNUFFERS"></a>THE DEMON SNUFFERS.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Geo. Manville Fenn.</span></h3>
+
+<p>I'm not at all given to parading my troubles&mdash;nothing of the
+kind. I may be getting old, in fact, I am; and I may have
+had disappointments such as have left me slightly irritable and
+peevish; but I ask, as a man, who wouldn't be troubled in his
+nerves if he had suffered from snuffers?</p>
+
+<p>Snuffers? Yes&mdash;snuffers&mdash;a pair of cheap, black, iron snuffers,
+that screech when they are opened, and creak when they are
+shut; a pair that will not stay open, nor yet keep shut; a pair
+that gape at you incessantly, and point at you a horrid sharp<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span>
+iron beak, as a couple of leering eyes turn the finger and thumb
+holes into a pair of spectacles, and squint and wink at you
+maliciously. A word in your ear&mdash;this in a whisper&mdash;those
+snuffers are haunted! their insignificant iron frame is the
+habitation of a demon&mdash;an imp of darkness; and I've been
+troubled till I've got snuffers on the brain, and I shall have
+them till I'm snuffed out.</p>
+
+<p>It has been going on now for a couple of years, ever since
+my landlady sent the snuffers up to me first in my shiney
+crockery-ware candlestick, where those snuffers glide about
+like a snake in a tin pail. I remember the first night as well
+as can be. It was in November&mdash;a weird, wet, foggy night,
+when the river-side streets were wrapped in a yellow blanket
+of fog&mdash;and I was going to bed, when, at my first touch of the
+candlestick, those snuffers glided off with an angry snap, and
+lay, open-mouthed, glaring at me from the floor.</p>
+
+<p>I was somewhat startled, certainly, but far from alarmed;
+and I seized the fugitives and replaced them in the candlestick,
+opened the door, and ascended the stairs.</p>
+
+<p>Mind, I am only recording facts untinged by the pen of
+romance! Before I had ascended four steps, those hideous
+snuffers darted off, and plunged, point downwards, on to my
+left slippered foot, causing me an agonising pang, and the next
+moment a bead of starting blood stained my stocking.</p>
+
+<p>I will not declare this, but I believe it to be a fact: as I
+said something oathish, I am nearly certain that I heard a
+low, fiendish chuckle; and when I stooped to lift the snuffers,
+there was a bright spark in the open mouth, and a pungent
+blue smoke breathed out to annoy my nostrils!</p>
+
+<p>I was too bold in those days to take much notice of the
+incident, and I hurried upstairs&mdash;not, however, without seeing
+that there was a foul, black patch left upon my holland stair-cloth;
+and then I hurried into bed, and tried to sleep. But I
+could not, try as I would. In the darkness I could just make
+out the candlestick against the blind: and from that point
+incessantly the demon snuffers gradually approached me, till
+they sat spectacle-wise astride my nose, and a pair of burning
+eyes gazed through them right into mine.</p>
+
+<p>Need I say that I arose next morning feverish and unrefreshed
+to go about my daily duties?</p>
+
+<p>"I'll have no more of it to-night," I said to myself, as I rose
+early to go to bed and make up for the past bad night; and I
+smiled sardonically as I took up the highly-glazed candlestick
+and tried to shake the black, straddling reptile out upon the
+sideboard. I say <i>tried</i>; for, to my horror, the great eyeholes
+leered at me as they hugged round the upright portion of the
+stick and refused to be dislodged. I shook them again, and
+one part went round the extinguisher support, which the reptile
+dislodged, so that the extinguisher rattled upon the sideboard<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>
+top. But the snuffers were there still. I tried again, and
+they, or it, dodged round and thrust a head through the handle,
+where they stuck fast, grinning at me till I set the candlestick
+down and stared.</p>
+
+<p>"Pooh!&mdash;stuff!&mdash;ridiculous!" I exclaimed, quite angry at
+my weak, imaginative folly; and, determined to act like a man,
+I seized the candlestick with one hand, the snuffers with the
+other, and, after a hard fight, succeeded in wriggling them out
+of their stronghold, banged them down upon the table cloth,
+seized them again, snuffed my candle viciously before replacing
+them on the table, and then marched out of the room, proud of
+my moral triumph, and rejoicing in having freed myself of the
+demon. But, as I stood upon the stairs, I could see that my
+hand was blackened; and the icy, galvanic feeling that assailed
+my nerves when I first touched the snuffers still tingled right
+to my elbow.</p>
+
+<p>But I was free of my enemy; and marching with freely
+playing lungs into my bedroom, I closed and locked the door,
+set down my empty candlestick, changed my coat and vest for
+a dressing-gown and began to brush my hair.</p>
+
+<p>It is my custom to brush my hair with a pair of brushes for
+ten minutes every night before retiring to rest. I find it
+strengthening to the brain. Upon this occasion I had brushed
+hard for five minutes, when there was a loud knock at my
+bed-room door.</p>
+
+<p>"Can I speak to you a moment, sir?" said the voice of my
+landlady.</p>
+
+<p>I rose and opened the door, and then started back in disgust,
+as I was greeted with&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Please, sir, you forgot your snuffers!"</p>
+
+<p>My snuffers! It was too horrible; but there was more to
+bear.</p>
+
+<p>"And please, sir, I do hope you'll be more careful. It's a
+mussy we warn't all burnt to death in our beds, for the snuffers
+have made a great hole as big as your hand in the tablecloth,
+and scorched the mahogany table; and it was a mussy I went
+into your room before I went up to bed."</p>
+
+<p>I couldn't speak, for I was drawn irresistibly on to obey, as
+my landlady held the snuffers-handle towards me, and pointed
+to the fungus snuff upon the common candle. I thrust in a
+finger and thumb, closed the door in desperation&mdash;for I could
+not refuse the snuffers&mdash;once more locked myself in, and stalked
+to the dressing-table; and, as I heard my landlady's retreating
+steps, I snuffed the candle, which started up instantly with a
+brighter flame, as the snuffers' mouth closed upon the incandescent
+wick.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm slightly nervous," I said to myself, as I essayed to put
+down my enemies. "I want tone&mdash;iron&mdash;iodine&mdash;tonic bitters&mdash;and&mdash;curse
+the thing!" I ejaculated, shaking my hand and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span>
+trying to dislodge the snuffers. My efforts were but vain, for
+the rings clung tightly to my finger and thumb, cut into my
+flesh, and it was not until I had given them a frantic wrench,
+which broke the rivet and separated the halves, that I was able
+to tear out my bruised digits, and stand, panting, at the broken
+instrument.</p>
+
+<p>There was relief, though, here. I felt as if I had crushed
+out the reptile's life; and the two pieces&mdash;their living identity
+gone&mdash;lay nerveless, and devoid of terrors, in the candle tray.</p>
+
+<p>I slept excellently that night, and smiled as I dressed beside
+the broken fragments. I had achieved a victory over self, as well
+as over an enemy. I enjoyed my breakfast, after raising the
+white cloth to look at the damage, which I knew would appear
+as twenty shillings in the weekly bill; but I did not care,
+though I shuddered slightly as I thought of the snuffers'
+horrible designs. I dined that day with friends, played a few
+games afterwards at pool, and then we had oysters.</p>
+
+<p>I was in the best of spirits as I opened the door with my
+latchkey, and I laughed heartily at what I called my folly of
+the previous nights; but, as I entered my room, there was the
+great black hole in the green cloth table cover, and the charred
+wood beneath, while, upon the sideboard&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>I groaned as I stood, half transfixed. I could have imagined
+that I had on divers leaden-soled boots; for there, maliciously
+grinning at me with half-opened mouth, were the demon
+snuffers, joined together by a new, glistening rivet, which only
+added to their weird appearance, as the beak cocked itself at
+me, and the great eyes glared, as the black mouth seemed to
+say&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"You'll never get rid of me!"</p>
+
+<p>Something seemed to draw me, and I went and took the
+candlestick, my eyes being fixed the while upon the snuffers;
+and I came in contact with several pieces of furniture as I
+went into the passage, where I held the candlestick very much
+on one side as I lit the candle at the little lamp. I hoped
+that the snuffers would fall out; but they grinned maliciously,
+and did not stir.</p>
+
+<p>The next moment I was obliged to use them, for the candle
+began to gutter; when, as nothing followed, I grew bolder,
+and began to ascend the stairs. In a minute, though before I
+was half way up the second flight, and though the candlestick
+was carried perfectly straight&mdash;crash! the demon snuffers
+darted out, and dashed themselves upon the floor.</p>
+
+<p>I did not stay to look, but hurried to my bed-room, closing
+and locking the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Safe this time!" I thought; for it was late, and I knew
+that my landlady must have been long in bed. Then I began
+to think of how they had hopped out of the candlestick, and I
+remembered what they had done on the previous night&mdash;how<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>
+they had tried to set fire to the house. Suppose they should do
+so now? The cold perspiration trickled down my nose at the
+very thought. I dared not leave the demon, or twin demons&mdash;the
+horrid Siamese pair.</p>
+
+<p>I would, though&mdash;I was safe here. But, fire! Suppose they
+set the house on fire?</p>
+
+<p>Down I went in the dark&mdash;very softly, too, lest I should alarm
+the landlady and the other lodgers; but, though the odour was
+strong, I went right to the bottom, and stood upon the door-mat
+without finding my enemies.</p>
+
+<p>I stood and thought for a few minutes, and then began slowly
+to ascend, feeling carefully all over every step as I went up to
+my bed-room, where I arrived, without ever my hand coming
+in contact with that which I sought.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll go to bed and leave them!" I ejaculated, and I turned
+upon my heel; but, at that moment, the pungent burning odour
+came up stronger than ever, and I was compelled to descend, to
+find that the demon twins had been lying in ambush half-way
+down, so that I trod upon them, tripped, in my terror my foot
+glided, over them, and I fell with a crash into the umbrella stand,
+which I upset with a hideous noise upon the oilcloth&mdash;not so loud,
+though, but that I could hear the little black imps take three
+or four grasshopper leaps along the passage, ending by sticking
+the pointed beak into the street door.</p>
+
+<p>Before I could gather myself up, I heard doors opening
+upstairs, and screaming from the girls below who slept in the
+kitchen; and the next minute old Major O'Brien's voice came
+roaring down&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"An' if ye shtir a shtep I'll blow out yer brains!"</p>
+
+<p>Of course I had to explain; and I had the horrible knowledge
+that they gave me the credit of being intoxicated&mdash;the Major
+saying he would not stop in a house where people went prowling
+about at all hours, ending by himself, at the landlady's request,
+examining the door to see if it was latched securely, and then
+seeing me safely to my room.</p>
+
+<p>"An' if I did me duty, sor, I should lock you in," he said by
+way of good night. "And now get into bed, sor, and at once;
+and&mdash;here are your snuffers!"</p>
+
+<p>I could fill volumes with the tortures inflicted upon me by
+those haunted snuffers, for they clung to me, and in spite of
+every effort never left me free. It was in vain that I came
+home early and shifted them into the Major's candlestick: they
+only came back. I threw them out of the bedroom window once,
+and they were found by the maid in the area. I threw them out
+again, and they were picked up by the policeman, and they
+made him bring them back. Then I tried it at midday; but
+an old woman brought them in, and made a row because they
+went through her parasol, so that I had to pay ten shillings,
+besides being looked upon by my landlady as a lunatic.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I thrust them into the fire one night, and held them there
+with the tongs, lest they should leap out; but they would not
+burn, and my landlady, finding them in the ashes, had them
+japanned, and they were in their old place next day. I had no
+better luck when I thrust them&mdash;buried them&mdash;deep in a scuttle
+of ashes; they only turned up out of the dusthole when Mary
+sifted the cinders.</p>
+
+<p>They always came off black on to my hands when they did
+not anoint my fingers with soft tallow. If they fell out of the
+candlestick, it was always on to oilcloth or paint, where they
+could make a noise jumping about like a grasshopper, till they
+ended by standing upon the sharp beak, with the spectacle-like
+holes in the air. If I went up to dress, they would shoot into
+my collar-box, or amongst my clean shirts, smutting them all
+over. If I tried to kill a wasp with them upon an autumn
+evening, when the insect crept out of a plum at dessert, the
+wretches only snipped him in two, as if rejoicing at the inflicted
+torture. In short, they have worn me out&mdash;those snuffers;
+and, if it was not from fear, I should take and drop them from
+the parapet of a bridge.</p>
+
+<p>But, there! it would be in vain; they would be certain to
+turn up; and they are not mortal, so what can you expect?
+Let this communication be a secret, for it is written wholly by
+day, when the snuffers lie in the lower regions.</p>
+
+<p>A bright thought has occurred to me&mdash;the Major leaves this
+morning for Berlin.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+
+<p>I have done it&mdash;his carpet bag stood in the hall, waiting
+for the cab. The Major was in the drawing-room paying his
+bill. The maids were upstairs making the beds. I stole down,
+like a thief, into the kitchen. The snuffers were in my dirty
+candlestick upon the dresser. I seized the grinning, tallow-anointed
+demons, flew up the stairs, and, as I heard the drawing-room
+door open, tore the bag a little apart, and thrust them in.
+The next minute they were on the roof of a cab, and on their
+way to Berlin, where they will haunt the Major.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+
+<p>A month of uninterrupted joy has passed. On the day of
+the Major's departure I seemed to wed pleasure; and this has
+been the honeymoon. This morning, when I paid my bill, the
+landlady announced the coming back of the Major to his old
+apartments. I have been in dread ever since. But this is
+folly. I will be hopeful: my worst fears may not be confirmed.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+
+<p>It's all over&mdash;he has brought them back!</p>
+
+<p>They grin at me as I write.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="THE_WALRUS_AND_THE_CARPENTER" id="THE_WALRUS_AND_THE_CARPENTER"></a>THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Lewis Carroll.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The sun was shining on the sea,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Shining with all his might;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He did his very best to make<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The billows smooth and bright&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And this was odd, because it was<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The middle of the night.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The moon was shining sulkily,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Because she thought the sun<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Had got no business to be there<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">After the day was done.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"It's very rude of him," she said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"To come and spoil the fun."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The sea was wet as wet could be,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The sands were dry as dry.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You could not see a cloud, because<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">No cloud was in the sky:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No birds were flying over-head&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">There were no birds to fly.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The Walrus and the Carpenter<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Were walking close at hand;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They wept like anything to see<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Such quantities of sand:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"If this were only cleared away,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">They said, "It <i>would</i> be grand!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"If seven maids, with seven mops,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Swept it for half a year,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Do you suppose," the Walrus said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"That they could get it clear?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And shed a bitter tear.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"O, Oysters, come and walk with us!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The Walrus did beseech.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Along the briny beach:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We cannot do with more than four,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">To give a hand to each."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The eldest Oyster looked at him,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">But never a word he said:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The eldest Oyster winked his eye,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And shook his heavy head&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Meaning to say he did not choose<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">To leave the oyster-bed.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But four young Oysters hurried up,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">All eager for the treat:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Their shoes were clean and neat&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And this was odd, because, you know,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">They hadn't any feet.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Four other Oysters followed them,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And yet another four;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And thick and fast they came at last,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And more, and more, and more&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All hopping through the frothy waves,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And scrambling to the shore.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The Walrus and the Carpenter<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Walked on a mile or so,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And then they rested on a rock<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Conveniently low:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And all the little Oysters stood<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And waited in a row.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"The time has come," the Walrus said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"To talk of many things:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of shoes&mdash;and ships&mdash;and sealing-wax&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Of cabbages&mdash;and kings&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And why the sea is boiling hot&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And whether pigs have wings."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"Before we have our chat;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For some of us are out of breath,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And all of us are fat!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"No hurry," said the Carpenter:<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">They thanked him much for that.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"Is what we chiefly need:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pepper and vinegar besides<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Are very good indeed&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">We can begin to feed."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"But not on us," the Oysters cried,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Turning a little blue.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"After such kindness, that would be<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">A dismal thing to do!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"The night is fine," the Walrus said.<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"Do you admire the view?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"It was so kind of you to come,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And you are very nice!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Carpenter said nothing but<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"Cut us another slice:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I wish you were not quite so deaf&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">I've had to ask you twice!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"To play them such a trick,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">After we've brought them out so far,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And made them trot so quick!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Carpenter said nothing but<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"The butter's spread too thick!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I weep for you," the Walrus said:<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"I deeply sympathize."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With sobs and tears he sorted out<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Those of the largest size,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Holding his pocket-handkerchief<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Before his streaming eyes.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"O, Oysters," said the Carpenter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"You've had a pleasant run!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Shall we be trotting home again?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">But answer came there none&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And this was scarcely odd, because<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">They'd eaten every one.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="MY_BROTHER_HENRY" id="MY_BROTHER_HENRY"></a>MY BROTHER HENRY.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">J. M. Barrie.</span></h3>
+
+<p>At first sight it may not, perhaps, seem quite the thing that I should
+be hilarious because I have at last had the courage to kill my brother
+Henry. For some time, however, Henry had been annoying me. Strictly
+speaking, I never had a brother Henry. It is just fifteen months since I
+began to acknowledge that there was such a person. It came about in this
+way:&mdash;I have a friend of the name of Fenton, who, like myself, lives in
+London. His house is so conveniently situated that I can go there and
+back in one day. About a year and a half ago I was at Fenton's, and he
+remarked that he had met a man the day before who knew my brother Henry.
+Not having a brother Henry, I felt that there must be a mistake
+somewhere; so I suggested that Fenton's friend had gone wrong in the
+name. My only brother, I pointed out with the suavity of manner that
+makes me a general favourite, was called Alexander. "Yes," said Fenton,
+"but he spoke of Alexander also." Even this did not convince me that I
+had a brother Henry, and I asked Fenton the name of his friend.
+Scudamour was the name, and the gentleman had met my brothers Alexander
+and Henry some six years previously in Paris. When I heard this I
+probably frowned; for then I knew who my brother Henry was. Strange
+though it may seem, I was my own brother Henry. I distinctly remembered
+meeting this man Scudamour at Paris during the time that Alexander and I
+were there for a week's pleasure, and quarrelled every day. I explained
+this to Fenton; and there, for the time being, the matter rested. I had,
+however, by no means heard the last of Henry. Several times afterwards I
+heard from various persons that Scudamour wanted to meet me because he
+knew my brother Henry. At last we did meet, at a Bohemian supper-party
+in Furnival's Inn; and, almost as soon as he saw me, Scudamour asked
+where Henry was now. This was precisely what I feared. I am a man who
+always looks like a boy. There are few persons of my age in London who
+retain their boyish appearance as long as I have done; indeed, this is
+the curse of my life. Though I am approaching the age of thirty, I pass
+for twenty; and I have observed old gentlemen frown at my precocity when
+I said a good thing or helped myself to a second glass of wine. There
+was, therefore, nothing surprising in Scudamour's remark that, when he
+had the pleasure of meeting Henry, Henry must have been about the age
+that I had now reached. All would have been well had I explained the
+real state of affairs to this annoying man; but, unfortunately for
+myself, I loathe entering upon explanations<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> to anybody about anything.
+When I ring for my boots and my servant thinks I want a glass of water,
+I drink the water and remain indoors. Much, then, did I dread a
+discussion with Scudamour, his surprise when he heard that I was Henry
+(my Christian name is Thomas), and his comments on my youthful
+appearance. Besides, I was at that moment carving a tough fowl; and, as
+I learned to carve from a handbook, I can make no progress unless I keep
+muttering to myself, "Cut from A to B, taking care to pass along the
+line C D, and sever the wing K from the body at the point F." There was
+no likelihood of my meeting Scudamour again, so the easiest way to get
+rid of him seemed to be to humour him. I therefore told him that Henry
+was in India, married, and doing well. "Remember me to Henry when you
+write to him," was Scudamour's last remark to me that evening. A few
+weeks later someone tapped me on the shoulder in Oxford Street. It was
+Scudamour. "Heard from Henry?" he asked. I said I had heard by the last
+mail. "Anything particular in the letter?" I felt it would not do to say
+there was nothing particular in a letter which had come all the way from
+India, so I hinted that Henry had had trouble with his wife. By this I
+meant that her health was bad; but he took it up in another way, and I
+did not set him right. "Ah, ah!" he said, shaking his head sagaciously,
+"I'm sorry to hear that. Poor Henry!" "Poor old boy!" was all I could
+think of replying. "How about the children?" Scudamour asked. "Oh, the
+children," I said, with what I thought presence of mind, "are coming to
+England." "To stay with Alexander?" he asked; for Alexander is a married
+man. My answer was that Alexander was expecting them by the middle of
+next month; and eventually Scudamour went away muttering "Poor Henry!"
+In a month or so we met again. "No word of Henry's getting leave of
+absence?" asked Scudamour. I replied shortly that Henry had gone to live
+in Bombay, and would not be home for years. He saw that I was brusque,
+so what does he do but draw me aside for a quiet explanation. "I
+suppose," he said, "you are annoyed because I told Fenton that Henry's
+wife had run away from him. The fact is I did it for your good. You see
+I happened to make a remark to Fenton about your brother Henry, and he
+said that there was no such person. Of course I laughed at that, and
+pointed out not only that I had the pleasure of Henry's acquaintance,
+but that you and I had a talk about the old fellow every time we met.
+'Well,' Fenton said, 'this is a most remarkable thing; for Tom,' meaning
+you, 'said to me in this very room, sitting in that very chair, that
+Alexander was his only brother.' I saw that Fenton resented your
+concealing the existence of your brother Henry from him, so I thought
+the most friendly thing I could do was to tell him that your reticence
+was doubtless due to the fact that Henry's private affairs were
+troubling you.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> Naturally, in the circumstances, you did not want to
+talk about Henry." I shook Scudamour by the hand, telling him that he
+had acted judiciously; but if I could have stabbed him quietly at that
+moment I dare say I should have done it. I did not see Scudamour again
+for a long time, for I took care to keep out of his way; but I heard
+first from him and then of him. One day he wrote to me saying that his
+nephew was going to Bombay, and would I be so good as to give the youth
+an introduction to my brother Henry? He also asked me to dine with him
+and his nephew. I declined the dinner, but I sent the nephew the
+required note of introduction to Henry. The next I heard of Scudamour
+was from Fenton. "By the way," said Fenton, "Scudamour is in Edinburgh
+at present." I trembled, for Edinburgh is where Alexander lives. "What
+has taken him there?" I asked, with assumed carelessness. Fenton
+believed it was business; "but," he added, "Scudamour asked me to tell
+you that he meant to call on Alexander, as he was anxious to see Henry's
+children." A few days afterwards I had a telegram from Alexander, who
+generally uses this means of communication when he corresponds with me.
+"Do you know a man Scudamour? reply," was what Alexander said. I thought
+of answering that we had met a man of that name when we were in Paris;
+but, on the whole, replied boldly: "Know no one of the name of
+Scudamour." About two months ago I passed Scudamour in Regent Street,
+and he did not recognise me. This I could have borne if there had been
+no more of Henry; but I knew that Scudamour was now telling everybody
+about Henry's wife. By-and-by I got a letter from an old friend of
+Alexander's, asking me if there was any truth in a report that Alexander
+was going to Bombay. Soon afterwards Alexander wrote to me to say that
+he had been told by several persons that I was going to Bombay. In
+short, I saw that the time had come for killing Henry. So I told Fenton
+that Henry had died of fever, deeply regretted; and asked him to be sure
+to tell Scudamour, who had always been interested in the deceased's
+welfare. The other day Fenton told me that he had communicated the sad
+intelligence to Scudamour. "How did he take it?" I asked. "Well," Fenton
+said, reluctantly, "he told me that when he was up in Edinburgh he did
+not get on well with Alexander; but he expressed great curiosity as to
+Henry's children." "Ah," I said, "the children were both drowned in the
+Forth; a sad affair&mdash;we can't bear to talk of it." I am not likely to
+see much of Scudamour again, nor is Alexander. Scudamour now goes about
+saying that Henry was the only one of us he really liked.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="A_NIGHT_WITH_A_STORK" id="A_NIGHT_WITH_A_STORK"></a>A NIGHT WITH A STORK.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">W. E. Wilcox.</span></h3>
+
+<p>Four individuals&mdash;namely, my wife, my infant son, my maid-of-all work,
+and myself&mdash;occupy one of a row of very small houses in the suburbs of
+London. I am a thoroughly domestic man, and notwithstanding that my
+occupation necessitates absence from my mansion between the hours of 9
+a.m. and 5 p.m., my heart is generally at home, with my diminutive
+household. My wife, and I, love regularity and quiet above all things;
+and although, since the arrival of my son, and heir, we had not enjoyed
+that peace which we did during the first year of our married life, yet
+his juvenile, though somewhat powerful, little lungs, had as yet failed
+in making ours a noisy house. Our regularity had, moreover, remained
+undisturbed, and we got up, went to bed, dined, breakfasted, and took
+tea at the same time, day after day.</p>
+
+<p>We had been going on in this clockwork fashion for a year and a half,
+when one morning the postman brought to our door a letter of ominous
+appearance, and on looking at the direction, I found that it came from
+an old, rich, and very eccentric uncle of mine, with whom, for certain
+reasons, we wished to remain on the best of terms. "What can uncle
+Martin have to write about?" was our simultaneous exclamation, and I
+opened it with considerable curiosity.</p>
+
+<div class="pblockquot">
+<p style='text-align: right'>"<span class="smcap">Martin House</span>, <span class="smcap">Herts</span>, <i>Oct.</i> 17, 18&mdash;.</p>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Dear Nephew</span>,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; "You may perhaps have heard that I am forming an aviary here. A friend
+in Rotterdam has written to me to say that he has sent by the boat,
+which will arrive in London to-morrow afternoon, a very intelligent
+parrot and a fine stork. As the vessel arrives too late for them to be
+sent on the same night, I shall be obliged by your taking the birds
+home, and forwarding them to me the next morning.&mdash;With my respects to
+your good lady,</p>
+
+<p style='text-align: right'>
+"I remain your affectionate uncle, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;<br />
+"<span class="smcap">Ralph Martin</span>."<br />
+</p></div>
+
+<p>I said nothing, but got a book on natural history, and turned to
+"Stork." With trembling fingers I passed over the fact of "his hind toe
+being short, the middle too long, and joined to the outer one by a large
+membrane, and by a smaller one to the inner toe," because that would not
+matter much for one night; but I groaned out to my wife the pleasant
+intelligence that "his height is four feet, his appetite extremely
+voracious," and "his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> food&mdash;frogs, mice, worms, snails, and eels." Where
+were we to provide a supper and breakfast of this description for him?</p>
+
+<p>I went to my office, and passed anything but a pleasant day, my thoughts
+constantly reverting to our expected visitors. At four o'clock I took a
+cab to the docks, and on arriving there, inquired for the ship, which
+was pointed out to me as "the one with the crowd upon the quay." On
+driving up, I discovered why there was a crowd, and the discovery did
+not bring comfort with it. On the deck, on one leg, stood the stork.
+Whether it was the sea-voyage, or the leaving his home, or, being a
+stork of high moral principle, he was grieving at the continual, and
+rather joyous and exulting swearing of the parrot, I do not know, but I
+never saw a more melancholy looking object in my life.</p>
+
+<p>I went down on the deck, and did not like the expression of relief that
+came over the captain's face when he found what I had come for. The
+transmission of the parrot from the ship to the cab was an easy matter,
+as he was in a cage, but the stork was merely tethered by one leg; and
+although he did his best, when brought to the foot of the ladder, in
+trying to get up, he failed utterly, and had to be half-shoved,
+half-hauled, all the way&mdash;which, as he got astride, after the manner of
+equestrians, on every other bar, was a work of some difficulty. I
+hurried him into the cab, and ordering the man to drive as quickly as
+possible, got in with my guests. At first, I had to keep dodging my head
+about, to keep my face away from his bill as he turned round; but all of
+a sudden he broke the little window at the back of the cab, thrust his
+head through, and would keep it there, notwithstanding I kept pulling
+him back. Consequently, when we drew up at my door, there was a mob of
+about a thousand strong around us. I got him in as well as I could, and
+shut the door.</p>
+
+<p>How can I describe the spending of that evening? how can I get
+sufficient power out of the English language to let you know what a
+nuisance that bird was to us? How can I tell you the cool manner in
+which he inspected our domestic arrangements?&mdash;walking slowly into
+rooms, and standing on one leg until his curiosity was satisfied; the
+expression of wretchedness that he threw over his entire person when he
+was tethered to the banisters, and had found out that, owing to our
+limited accommodation, he was to remain in the hall all night; the way
+in which he ate the snails specially provided for him, verifying to the
+letter the naturalist's description of his appetite. How can you, who
+have not had a stork staying with you, have any idea of the change which
+came over his temper after his supper&mdash;how he pecked at everybody who
+came near him; how he stood sentinel at the foot of the stairs; how my
+wife and I made fruitless attempts to get past, followed by ignominious
+retreats how; at last we outman[oe]uvred him by throwing a table-cloth<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span>
+over his head, and then rushing by him, gaining the top of the stairs
+before he could disentangle himself.</p>
+
+<p>Added to all this, we had to endure language from that parrot which
+would have disgraced a pothouse; indeed, so scurrilous did he become,
+that we had to take him and lock him up in the coal-hole, where, from
+fatigue, or the darkness of his bedroom, he soon swore himself to sleep.</p>
+
+<p>We were quite ready for rest, and the forgetfulness which, we hoped,
+sleep, that "balm of hurt minds," would bring with it; but our peace was
+not to last long. About 2 a.m., I was awakened by my wife, and told to
+listen; I did so, and heard a sort of scrambling noise outside the door.
+"What can that be?" thought I. "He has broken his string, and is coming
+up stairs," said my wife; and then, remembering that the nursery door
+was generally left open, she urged my immediately stopping his further
+progress. "But, my dear," said I, "what am I to do in my present
+defenceless state of clothing, if he should take to pecking?" My wife's
+expression of the idea of my considering myself before the baby,
+determined me at once, come what might, to go and do him battle. Out I
+went, and sure enough there he was on the landing, resting himself,
+after his unusual exertion, by tucking one leg up. He looked so subdued,
+that I was about to take him by the string and lead him downstairs, when
+he drew back his head, and in less time than it takes to relate, I was
+back in my room, bleeding profusely from a very severe wound in my leg.
+I shouted out to the nurse to shut the door, and determined to let the
+infamous bird go where he liked. I bound up my leg and went to bed
+again; but the thought that there was a stork wandering about the house,
+prevented me from getting any more sleep. From certain sounds that we
+heard, we had little doubt but that he was passing some of his time in
+the cupboard where we kept our spare crockery, and an inspection the
+next day confirmed this.</p>
+
+<p>In the morning I ventured cautiously out, and finding he was in our
+spare bedroom, I shut the door upon him. I then went for a large sack,
+and with the help of the table-cloth, and the boy who cleans our shoes,
+we got him into it without any personal damage. I took him off in this
+way to the station, and sent him and the parrot off to my uncle by the
+first train.</p>
+
+<p>We have determined that, taking our chance about a place in my uncle's
+will or not, we will never again have anything to do with any foreign
+animals, however much he may ask and desire it.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of</i> <span class="smcap">Messrs. W. &amp; R.
+Chambers</span>.)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="THE_FAITHFUL_LOVERS" id="THE_FAITHFUL_LOVERS"></a>THE FAITHFUL LOVERS.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">F. C. Burnand.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I'd been away from her three years&mdash;about that&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And I returned to find my Mary true,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And though I'd question her, I did not doubt that<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">It was unnecessary so to do.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Twas by the chimney corner we were sitting,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"Mary," said I, "have you been always true?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Frankly," says she, just pausing in her knitting,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">"I <i>don't</i> think I've unfaithful been to you;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But for the three years past I'll tell you what<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've done; then say if I've been true or not.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"When first you left, my grief was uncontrollable,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Alone I mourned my miserable lot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And all who saw me thought me inconsolable,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Till Captain Clifford came from Aldershot;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To flirt with him amused me while 'twas new,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I don't count <i>that</i> unfaithfulness. Do you?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"The next&mdash;oh! let me see&mdash;was Frankie Phipps,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">I met him at my uncle's Christmas-tide;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And 'neath the mistletoe, where lips met lips,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">He gave me his first kiss"&mdash;and here she sighed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"We stayed six weeks at uncle's&mdash;how time flew!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I don't count <i>that</i> unfaithfulness. Do you?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Lord Cecil Fossmote, only twenty-one,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Lent me his horse. Oh, how we rode and raced!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We scoured the downs&mdash;we rode to hounds&mdash;such fun!<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And often was his arm around my waist&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That was to lift me up or down. But who<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Would count <i>that</i> as unfaithfulness? Do you?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Do you know Reggy Vere? Ah, how he sings!<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">We met&mdash;'twas at a picnic. Ah, such weather!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He gave me, look, the first of these two rings,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">When we were lost in Cliefden Woods together.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ah, what a happy time we spent, we two!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I don't count <i>that</i> unfaithfulness to you.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I've yet another ring from him. D'you see<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The plain gold circlet that is shining here?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I took her hand: "Oh, Mary! Can it be<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">That you"&mdash;Quoth she, "that I am Mrs. Vere.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I don't count <i>that</i> unfaithfulness. Do you?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"<i>No," I replied, "for I am married, too.</i>"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="THE_WAIL_OF_A_BANNER-BEARER" id="THE_WAIL_OF_A_BANNER-BEARER"></a>THE WAIL OF A BANNER-BEARER.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Arthur Matthison.</span></h3>
+
+<p>Well, what if I am only a banner-bearer? There's bigger blokes than me
+what begun as "supes," an' see where they've got to? <i>Why don't I get
+there?</i> Cause I ain't never had the chance. You just let me get a
+"speaking part" as suits me, that's all! Oh&mdash;it "<i>would be all</i>," eh?
+Why&mdash;but there! you're a baby in the purfession! you are! When you've
+been Capting of the Guard, and Third Noble, and a Bandit Keerousin, and
+First Hancient Bard, and Fourth in the Council of Ten what listens to
+Otheller, and the Mob in the Capitol, and a Harcher of Merry England,
+and a Peer of France, what doesn't speak, but has to look as if he could
+say a lot; when you've been all this you may talk! <i>I needn't be
+offended?</i> All right, old pal; I ain't. Though I was 'urt when that
+utilerty cove said as I was only a banner-bearer. "Only!" Why I should
+like to know where they'd be without us&mdash;all them old spoutin' tragedy
+merchants! They'd have no armies, consequently they couldn't rave at
+'em, and lead 'em on to victory and things. They wouldn't 'ave no
+sennits, so they'd 'ave to cut out their potent, grave, and reverent
+seniors&mdash;an' that 'ud worry em. They wouldn't 'ave no hexited citizens,
+and so they couldn't bury old Ceser nor praise him neither. They
+couldn't strew no fields with no dead soldiers. They'd 'ave nobody to
+chivy 'em when they come to the throne, or returned from the wars. They
+couldn't 'ave no percessions; as for balls, and parties, and
+torneymongs, why, they couldn't give 'em. And where 'ud they often be
+without the "distant ollerings" behind the scenes, allus a-comin' nerer
+and louder. Why, I remember a 'eavy lead one night, as had insulted his
+army fearful, at rehearsal; he stops sudden, and thumps his breastplate,
+and says, "'Ark, that toomult!" when there warn't no more toomult than
+two flies 'ud make in a milk-jug. We jest cut off his toomult, and
+quered his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> pitch, in a minnit, for the laugh come in 'ot. We're just as
+much wanted as they are, make no error.</p>
+
+<p>Only a banner-bearer! "Only," be blow'd! Oh, don't you bother, I ain't
+getting waxy. I'm only a standin' up for my purfession. What do you say?
+<i>They could do without me in the modden drarmer?</i> The modden drarmer, my
+boy, ain't actin'! It's nothing but "cuff-shootin'." You just has to
+stand against a mankel-shelf, with your hands in Poole's pockets, and
+say nothing elegantly. You don't want no chest-notes; you don't want no
+action; you don't want no exsitement; you don't want no lungs, no heart,
+and no brain; only lungs an' soda, heart an' potash, brain an' selzer.
+Everything's dilooted, my boy, for the modden drarmer; and the old
+school, an' the old kostumes 'ud bust the sides and roof too of the
+swell band-boxes, where they does the new school and the new kostumes.
+<i>P'r'aps I'm right?</i> Of course I'm right; and I'm in earnest, too! Why,
+my boy, if they was to offer me an engagement as a "guest" in one of
+them cuff-shootin' plays, and ask me to go on in evening-dress, I'm
+blest if I wouldn't throw up the part. Trousers and white ties cramps
+me. I wants a suit o' mail an' a 'alberd; a toonic, and my legs free; a
+dagger in my teeth&mdash;not a tooth-pick; a battle-axe in my 'and&mdash;not a
+crutch. I likes to be led to victory, I does. I likes to storm castles,
+and trampel on the foe! I does. I likes to hang our banners on the
+outward walls, I does. I'm a born banner-bearer, I am, and I glories in
+it. No, my boy! none of your milk-and-water "guests," and such, for the
+likes of me! An' if I was the Lord Chamberlain, I'd perhibit the modden
+drarmer altogether. Them's my sentiments. If he don't perhibit it,
+actin' 'ull soon be modden'd out of existence; an' we shall 'ave Macbeth
+in a two guinea tourist suit, and Looy the Eleventh in nickerbockers, on
+a bisykel. It's the old banner-bearing school as got us all our big
+actors, an' it stands to reason, my boy; for a cove can't spred hisself
+in a frock coat and droring-room langwidge. They're both on 'em too tame
+for what I calls real actin'. What! you <i>have heard say as us
+banner-bearers don't act&mdash;was only machines</i>? Well, some on us don't,
+p'r'aps, but some on us does, and no mistake.</p>
+
+<p>You can't, as a rule, expect much feeling, much dignerty, much
+patriertism, or much simperthy for a shillin' a night. If they was all
+the real articles, they'd fetch a lot more than that; but there is
+gentlemen in my line as goes in for all four&mdash;reg'lar comes nateral to
+'em. Why, I've been that work'd on when I've seen Joan o'Hark goin' in a
+perisher at the stake, an' makin' that last dyin' speech and confession
+of hers, that I've felt a real 'art beat against my property
+breast-plate, and felt real tears a tricklin' down to my false beard.
+I've been so struck with admirashun for some Othellos, that when they've
+been a addressin' of me as the sennit, I've felt as dignerfied as if I'd
+been the Doag of Venice hisself, and I bet he looked it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span>.</p>
+
+<p>As for patriertism, there isn't a man living as has died for his
+country&mdash;willing, mind you&mdash;as often as I have; and I've strewed many a
+bloody field of batel with a ernest corpse, I have. An' as far as
+regards simperthy, it's stood in my way, for I've been that upset by
+Queen Katherines and Prince Arthurs, and even old Shylock (for Grashyano
+does giv' 'im a doin'), and Ophelias, and other sufferin' parties, as
+I've often forgot my hexits and been fined a tanner; and if that ain't
+actin', I should like to know what is.</p>
+
+<p>It's all very well for them noospaper crickets to harry us, and say as
+we're a set o' this and a set o' the other, and that we ain't got no
+hideas. They wouldn't 'ave many hideas if they wasn't paid more than a
+shilling a night (with often twopence off to the hagent) for the use of
+'em; the article's as good as the price, an' no mistake. Some on us gets
+a bit more, and accordin' some on us gives a bit more; for there's first
+heavy lead, and setterer, among the supes, just as there is among the
+principles, don't make no error! <i>Have to do as the "stars" tell us?</i>
+Well, of course, we does, only if the stars don't treat us like gents,
+we knows how to queer their pitches: rather! Why, it ain't so very long
+since as I was a-playing a Roman Licktor in "Virginius," and when we was
+a rehearsin' of it, 'im as played Happyus Clordyus called me a "pig."
+"All right," says I, "aside" like, "I'll pig yer." Accordin', when night
+comes, and he makes an exit in the third act, and says&mdash;didn't he enjoy
+hisself with it&mdash;"And I shall surely see that they reseve it!" he chucks
+his toger over his right shoulder, and turns round as magestick as a
+beedle to walk off&mdash;well, some'ow, just then I drops my bundle of sticks
+("fusses," they call 'em), all accidentle like, and Happyus Clordyus,
+with his heyes in the hair, comes to grief, slap over 'em. He was the
+un-happyest Clordyus all through that play as ever you see. What did he
+call me a "pig" for, the idiot?</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Seem to be important, after all?</i>" Important! I should think we was!
+There couldn't be no big drarmers without us, no gallant warryers, no
+'owling mobs, no "Down with the tirants!" no briggands reposin', no
+'appy pezzants, and no stage picturs of any account, if it warn't for
+the supes and banner-bearers, as ought to be made more on and seen to a
+bit better than they is; for what says the old Shyley, in the play, 'im
+what old Phellups us'd to warm 'em up in? "What?" says he, "what! Hath
+not a supe eyes, 'ands, horgans, somethin' else, and passions? fed with
+the same food?&mdash;(no! Shakey, old man, he ain't!) Well, if you prick us,
+don't us bleed? if we larf, don't you tickle us? and if you wrong us,
+ain't we goin' to take it out of you, like I took it out o' Happyus
+Clordyus?" <i>How I do wag?</i> Well, ain't it enough to make me? Don't let
+that 'ere utilerty cuff-shooter allood to me as "only a banner-bearer,"
+then! Let 'im, and all the others, treat us more respectful, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> he and
+them too 'ull find a feeling 'art and good manners too, at even a
+shilling a night, though we could throw 'em in a lot; more of both for
+an extra bob.&mdash;Good night, old man.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of</i> <span class="smcap">Messrs. Routledge &amp; Sons</span>.)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="THE_DREAM_OF_THE_BILIOUS_BEADLE" id="THE_DREAM_OF_THE_BILIOUS_BEADLE"></a>THE DREAM OF THE BILIOUS BEADLE.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Arthur Shirley.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Twas in the grimy winter time, an evening cold and damp,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And four and twenty work'us boys, all of one ill-fed stamp,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Were blowing on blue finger tips, bent double with the cramp;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And when the skilly poured out fell into each urchin's pan<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They swallowed it at such a pace as only boyhood can.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But the Beadle sat remote from all, a bilious-looking man&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His hat was off, red vest apart, to catch the evening breeze:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He thought that that might cool his brow; it only made him sneeze,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So pressed his side with his hand, and tried to seem as if at ease.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Heave after heave his waistcoat gave, to him was peace denied,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It tortured him to see them eat, he couldn't though he tried!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Good fare had made him much too fat, and rather goggle-eyed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At length he started to his feet, some hurried steps he took,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Now up the ward, now down the ward, with wild dyspeptic look,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And lo! he saw a work'us boy, who read a penny book&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"You beastly brat! What is't you're at? I warrant 'tis no good!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What's this? 'The life of Turpin Bold!' or 'Death of Robin Hood'?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"It's '<i>Hessays on the Crumpet</i>,' sir, as a harticle of food!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He started from that boy as tho' in's ear he'd blown a trumpet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His hand he pressed upon his chest, then with his fist did thump it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And down he sat beside the brat and talked about The Crumpet.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How now and then that muffin men of whom tradition tells,<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span><span class="i0">By pastry trade, fortunes had made, and come out awful swells,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While their old patrons suffered worse than Irving in "The Bells!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"And well, I know," said he, "forsooth, for plenty have I bought,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The sufferings of foolish folk who eat more than they ought.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"With pepsine pills and liver pads is their consumption fraught,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh! oh! my boy, my pauper boy! Take my advice, 'tis best shun<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All such tempting tasty things, tho' nice beyond all question,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Unless you wish like me to feel the pangs of indigestion!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One, who had ever made me long&mdash;a muffin man and old&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I watched into a public-house, he called for whisky cold,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And for one moment left his stock within green baize enrolled.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I crept up to them, thinking what an appetite I'd got,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I gloated o'er them lying there elastic and all hot;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I thought of butter laid on thick, and then I prigged the lot!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I took them home, I toasted them, p'raps upwards of a score,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And never had so fine a feast on luscious fare before,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'And now,' I said, 'I'll go to bed, and dream of eating more.'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All night I lay uneasily, and rolled from side to side,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At first without one wink of sleep, no matter how I tried;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And then I dreamt I was a 'bus, and gurgled 'Full inside!'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I was a 'bus by nightmares drawn on to some giddy crest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Now launched like lightning through the air, now stop'd and now compressed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I felt a million muffin men were seated on my chest!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I heard their bells&mdash;their horrid bells&mdash;in sound as loud as trumpets,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh, curses on ye, spongy tribe! Ye cruffins and ye mumpets!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I must be mad! I mean to say ye muffins and ye crumpets!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then came a chill like Wenham ice; then hot as hottest steam;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I could not move a single limb! I could not even scream!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You pauper brat, remember that all this was but a dream!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The boy gazed on his troubled brow, from which big drops were oozing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And for the moment all respect for his dread function losing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Made this remark, "Well, blow me tight, our Beadle's been a-boozing!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That very week, before the beak, they brought that beadle burly;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He pleaded guilty in a tone dyspeptically surly,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And he lives still at Pentonville with hair not long or curly!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="MY_FRIEND_TREACLE" id="MY_FRIEND_TREACLE"></a>MY FRIEND TREACLE.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Watkin-Elliott.</span></h3>
+
+<p>"So Charley is going to marry 'the most charming girl in the
+world'!" I ejaculated, after a hearty laugh over the following
+epistle from my old friend:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="pblockquot">
+<p>
+"<span class="smcap">Dear Bob</span>,&mdash;<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; "I am going to do for myself in earnest; no humbug this time. 'For
+better or for worse,' and if it turns out the latter it will be a scrape
+no one can get me out of. Of course, you understand I am about to marry,
+and I need not add <i>she</i> is the most charming girl in the world: fair,
+sky-blue eyes, silk-worm&mdash;I mean spun silk hair, lovely in fact! Come
+and be my best man: do, old fellow! You have backed me up lots of times
+before, and although we have lost sight of one another since 'we were
+boys together,' that goes for nothing between us&mdash;does it? Write by
+return, and say you will support me: I have a dread that I shall marry
+the wrong girl, or allow some one else to marry Lucy&mdash;that's <i>her</i>
+name!&mdash;or do something unlucky, unless you look after me.</p>
+
+<p style='text-align: right'>
+"Yours, as ever, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; <br />
+"<span class="smcap">Charley Boston</span>.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>"P.S.&mdash;It comes off in a fortnight."</p></div>
+
+<p>"'It,'&mdash;well that is vague enough, but I suppose he means
+the happy event. Ye gods and little fishes!&mdash;to call a marriage
+'it'! but that is like Boston. And 'sure to do something unlucky,'
+are you? Well, I guess you are not the 'Treacle' of
+old unless you get into some quandary over it," I muttered; and
+then I threw myself back in my chair and laughed again as some
+of our adventures, when we were at Dr. Omega's school&mdash;I mean
+college&mdash;presented themselves to my mind.</p>
+
+<p>Glorious times those! looking back upon them now, although
+we did not value them, in our careless youth, at their full
+worth.</p>
+
+<p>Treacle's&mdash;<i>i.e.</i>, Boston's&mdash;daring always led him to some adventure,
+and I always backed him up&mdash;in a feeble way, perhaps,&mdash;and
+we always got found out somehow, and got our deserts in
+a manner more satisfactory to lovers of justice than to ourselves.
+Stunning times!</p>
+
+<p>The very fact of our being punished for the same crime, and
+at the same time, was a bond of union between Treacle and
+myself.</p>
+
+<p>"One touch of sympathy," or one touch of the rod, made us<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>
+kin in a manner very peculiar;&mdash;a fellow feeling made us
+wondrous kind and sympathetic.</p>
+
+<p>You talk of little dinners and little suppers in these days,
+and think them epicurean feasts!&mdash;but, be really hungry&mdash;hungry
+as a school-boy, and enjoy a little supper off kippered
+herring <i>on the sly</i>&mdash;that <i>is</i> a feast, if you like. Such feasts as
+these we enjoyed at Mother Kemp's, down the village, when the
+Doctor, tutors, and monitors imagined us safely tucked in our
+little beds.</p>
+
+<p>Looking upon Mother Kemp, in those days, I thought her a
+good fairy disguised as a witch. Looking back upon her, with
+manhood's enlightened judgment, I think she was an unprincipled
+old woman, who traded on our weaknesses. I confess
+myself to have been a hungry boy,&mdash;Boston, with a penitence
+which did him credit, used to confess the same: we both had a
+propensity to come through our trouser-legs and sleeve-jackets,
+and, what was worse, could not help ourselves doing so.</p>
+
+<p>Boston was of an ingenious turn of mind, and it was he who
+suggested that those boys, who could afford to be hungry with
+any satisfaction to themselves, should club together for a supper
+at Mother Kemp's once a-week; and it was through one of
+these suppers, or the search for one, that he got his sweet
+sobriquet of "Treacle."</p>
+
+<p>He having made the suggestion, we elected him chief of our
+expeditions, and thus to a certain extent he held the fate of our
+appetites in his hands.</p>
+
+<p>One night we had escaped, as usual, by means of a rope-ladder
+made by Boston, from the window of the room of which
+I was senior boy, to Mother Kemp's in the village.</p>
+
+<p>Mother Kemp kept a general shop&mdash;that is to say, she retailed
+tallow, treacle, rope, bacon, herrings, soap, cottons, tops,
+balls, butter, sweets, and so forth; and she not only, as a rule,
+sold us a supper out of her heterogeneous store, but cooked it, if
+needs were, and served it for us in her back parlour&mdash;that is, <i>if
+we could</i> pay ready cash down.</p>
+
+<p>This night of which I speak we could not. We had appealed
+to Madame Kemp's motherly heart for "trust," in vain, and we
+were returning home in a state of double the hunger to that in
+which we had started, on account of our hopes being unfulfilled,
+when Charlie Boston made a remark in a melancholy tone: it
+was&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I wonder if the pantry window is open."</p>
+
+<p>We eyed him askance and in silence.</p>
+
+<p>"And if," with a frown of determination on his brow, "there
+is <i>anything</i> inside!"</p>
+
+<p>Then we knew we were "in" for something, be it to eat or
+feel, and followed him half in hope, half in fear.</p>
+
+<p>The window was open. Looking upon that casement from my
+point of view now, I decide it was an architectural folly, being<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span>
+no more than seven feet from the ground, and innocent of bars
+or protection of any kind, and moreover large enough for any
+one of moderate size to creep through.</p>
+
+<p>From our point of view, then, we thought it a very jolly contrivance.</p>
+
+<p>"Hurrah!" shouted Boston, <i>sotto voce</i>&mdash;in fact, very much
+<i>sotto voce</i>&mdash;"we will indeed sup at the doctor's expense to-night,
+bless him!&mdash;eh, boys?"</p>
+
+<p>Either to the supper or blessing we assented, joyfully; but
+when our chief asked who was for reconnoitring, the question
+was received in silence.</p>
+
+<p>"Suppose it is missed in the morning&mdash;I mean, <i>what we eat</i>,"
+suggested some one, timidly.</p>
+
+<p>"Cats!" settled Boston with laconic contempt.</p>
+
+<p>"But cats don't eat cheese, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Bah! cats eat <i>anything</i>, from mice to stewed-eels' feet. Who
+will follow if I lead?"</p>
+
+<p>"Couldn't you get in and hand something out?" asked
+another, coolly.</p>
+
+<p>"Wish you may get it. Travers, <i>you</i> will follow, will you
+not?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I replied, with a little inward shudder. "'Lead on,
+Macduff, and'&mdash;and, what you may call it, be him that first
+cries 'Hold, enough!'"</p>
+
+<p>"Old enough for what?" queried the wit of the party.</p>
+
+<p>"Look here, Jenkins, don't you be a fool; this is not the
+time for vile puns, or Shakspeare either," with a frown at me.</p>
+
+<p>"It will take a jolly long time for us all to get in one after
+the other," I ruminated upon this snub.</p>
+
+<p>"And a jollier long time to get out, if we want to, in a
+hurry," suggested the timid one.</p>
+
+<p>"That is true," agreed the chief. "We will toss up, and
+'odd man' goes in and hands out&mdash;eh?"</p>
+
+<p>Faint applause.</p>
+
+<p>But the idea was not carried out, because, upon reflection, we
+remembered Mother Kemp had our last coin.</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind," cried Boston, in his happy dare-all way.
+"I'll do it! Lend me a back, somebody, and keep a sharp
+look out, mind!"</p>
+
+<p>We lent him a back with alacrity, it being a cheap and easy
+loan, and he drew himself up.</p>
+
+<p>"I see a pie!" he cried, and the words revived us. "Supposing
+it is steak!"</p>
+
+<p>We supposed, and felt more hungry than ever.</p>
+
+<p>Then we watched him with increased interest, as he squeezed
+his body through the casement, paused a moment to recover
+breath, descended gradually and carefully, and&mdash;Heavens,
+what was that? There was a scuffle and a gasp. Was it the
+doctor?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I think at this juncture my knees began to tremble; so I
+cannot describe what the other sounds in the pantry were&mdash;at
+least, not with any accuracy.</p>
+
+<p>"I say," began some one of our party&mdash;he was always doing
+that, saying "I say," and stopping short; a nasty habit, you
+know, for when one's nerves are unstrung it makes you anxious,
+not to say alarmed.</p>
+
+<p>"Old Omega!" whispered another in an awed tone.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't be; there's no talking."</p>
+
+<p>"No, because he's such an artful old fox; he thinks he'll
+catch us all!&mdash;Eh?"</p>
+
+<p>The "eh" was to one who thought he had "<i>better go and see
+if the ladder was there all right</i>."</p>
+
+<p>It ended in their all going for the same commendable purpose,
+and leaving me behind to look after Boston. I was very
+much inclined to follow them, I confess, but I liked my friend
+too much to leave him, so, having a regard for my own personal
+safety, I got behind a laurel and waited.</p>
+
+<p>"Silence there, and nothing more."</p>
+
+<p><i>Could</i> it be the doctor! Could the doctor keep his anger so
+long bottled up&mdash;even to catch the rest of us&mdash;without bursting?</p>
+
+<p>I thought not: he would have had a fit by this time.</p>
+
+<p>In those days I remember revolving in my mind the advantage
+I would gain if Dr. Omega did have a fit and died. It was
+very horrible of me, of course, but then I was a boy, and as I
+looked at the doctor's purple visage&mdash;<i>was</i> it coloured by the
+liquid et cetera?&mdash;I decided that if he were removed, no matter
+how, I might have a jolly holiday until another authority was
+placed over me, or I placed under another authority.</p>
+
+<p>O, it was wicked of me, I know, <i>terribly</i> wicked!&mdash;but true.
+Mais revenons &agrave; Boston. If it is not the doctor in there with
+him, it may be the cook, I revolved behind the bushes. The
+cook ought to be in bed, by this time&mdash;so ought I: I was not,
+that was a certainty, perhaps the cook was not; if not&mdash;why it
+was very wrong of her not to be, I concluded virtuously.</p>
+
+<p>The moments passed, and still no sound from the pantry of
+voices. <i>Had</i> Charley fallen down in a fit instead of the doctor?
+I crept from my hiding place and essayed a faint whistle, recognised
+by us all as a call.</p>
+
+<p>No answer.</p>
+
+<p>"Boston!" I ejaculated, feeling sure now that the doctor
+could not possibly be there.</p>
+
+<p>Then, as I watched the casement, as anxiously as any lover
+could that of his mistress, I saw something appear at it: by the
+light of the moon it looked <i>black</i> and <i>shiny</i>. If the shock had
+not deprived me of motion I should have fled. I could not flee,
+so I stood bravely to my post and shook like a jelly.</p>
+
+<p>What was it? I felt like Hamlet when he saw the ghost of
+his father; but I did not apostrophize it&mdash;I knew better,&mdash;at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span>
+least I had not sufficient choice Shakespearian language at my
+tongue's end to do so becomingly.</p>
+
+<p>"Travers?"</p>
+
+<p>"Angels and ministers"&mdash;my name in Boston's voice. In a
+moment the roaring in my ears ceased, and my muscles gained
+strength.</p>
+
+<p>"Is that <i>you</i>, Charley?" I asked, sensibly enough.</p>
+
+<p>"Phew!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;why, hang it, Boston, what's up&mdash;eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"'Up!'&mdash;all over me&mdash;choking me&mdash;Treacle!" gasped my
+friend, creeping through the window, with difficulty, as he spoke,
+and losing his balance, as he reached the ground, he fell against
+me, stuck to me, disengaged himself, and finally stood upright.</p>
+
+<p>"Treacle!" I ejaculated with a roar, which even though the
+doctor might have heard I could not suppress, as Charley began
+clearing out his eyes and mouth with his already sticky fists.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, <i>treacle</i>," crossly. "You needn't laugh like that, Bob,
+and make such a confounded fool of yourself," he growled. "I
+stumbled, somehow, and fell face forward into a pan of it. Don't
+make such a row, Travers!" as I continued my cachination and
+held my aching sides, "I might have been smothered for all
+<i>you</i> would have cared. By Jove! smothered in treacle! Why
+a butt of Malmsey would be a natural death in comparison."</p>
+
+<p>"The treacle we have for our puddings and with our brimstone?"
+I gasped at last.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes." Here the ludicrous aspect of affairs struck the
+martyr, and he joined me in my merriment.</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't know where I was going until I was in it," he continued.
+"Ugh! I shall hate treacle like poison for the rest of
+my life! Where are the other fellows?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sneaked away; thought Omega had caught you."</p>
+
+<p>"Cowards!"</p>
+
+<p>At this moment a low whistle, a danger signal, from the boys
+just denounced, caused us to hurry from the spot, and reaching
+the rope ladder, we were up it like cats, gaining our room just
+in time to find that, by the light shining under the door, some
+one was on the alert.</p>
+
+<p>"Get under my bed!" I whispered to Charley, as his escape
+to his own room was cut off.</p>
+
+<p>In his hurry and confusion, he got <i>into</i> it. I had no time to
+demur, and jumped in after him, just as the doctor, suspicious
+and austere, entered, candlestick in hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Noise in number three: senior boy, report."</p>
+
+<p>I, senior boy, reported, and replied by a nasal demonstration
+which I flattered myself was a very good imitation of a sound
+snore.</p>
+
+<p>"Robert Travers!" in a voice which might, almost, have
+awakened the dead.</p>
+
+<p>"Sir," replied I&mdash;Robert&mdash;as sleepily as I could.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Somebody walking about this room, and talking."</p>
+
+<p>If brevity is the soul of wit, then old Omega was the wittiest
+fellow I ever came across,&mdash;although he never <i>looked</i> it.</p>
+
+<p>He always spoke sharply and to the point, and gave us our
+due in the same manner.</p>
+
+<p>Now, as he jerked his sentence out, he approached nearer.
+Charley, like a certain big bird, seemed to fancy that, because
+his own face was hidden and he could see no one, it followed
+that no one could see him; whereas, half his head was
+exposed to view.</p>
+
+<p>I sat up in bed, hurriedly giving my companion a vicious kick
+of caution, as I explained to the doctor that "little Simpson
+walked and talked in his sleep;" at which "little Simpson," in
+a corner of the room, groaned audibly.</p>
+
+<p>"Simpson, junior, what do you mean by walking in your
+sleep, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>Simpson groaned again, and the doctor, thinking he was
+snoring, continued,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"He eats too much; must diet him. A dose of brimstone
+and treacle (I felt Boston jump) in the morning will do him
+good&mdash;cooling. Remind me, Travers. By the way, sir, how
+comes it you are awake?"</p>
+
+<p>"Please, sir, you woke me&mdash;awakened me, sir," I stammered.</p>
+
+<p>"Hem," doubtfully. "Whom have you in bed with you&mdash;eh?"
+as Boston, rendered uncomfortable by his sticky face, had
+moved.</p>
+
+<p>"With <i>me</i>, sir?" I murmured, vaguely.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir, with you. Come out, whoever it is!" roared
+Omega, without further parley.</p>
+
+<p>But Boston remained still as a mouse.</p>
+
+<p>Struck dumb with anger and astonishment, that a boy should
+have the impudence to stop in when <i>he</i> ordered him to come
+out, the doctor strode round to Charley's side, and laid hands on
+the miscreant to have him out by force; but, no sooner had he
+felt the viscous state of our hero, than he withdrew them precipitately,
+with the pious ejaculation,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens! What is the matter with him!"</p>
+
+<p>"Necessitas non habet legem."</p>
+
+<p>I, being senior boy, had to report. I did so, tremblingly, and
+imitated the doctor in my brevity.</p>
+
+<p>"Matter, sir&mdash;treacle, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Treacle!" in a voice of concentrated thunder, if you know
+what that is like.</p>
+
+<p>"His mother sent him a pot of treacle, sir, and he&mdash;and he
+thought it was pomatum, sir, and&mdash;and&mdash;&mdash;" my imaginative
+powers fell before the lightning of the doctor's glance.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Whose</i> mother?"</p>
+
+<p>"Boston's, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Boston, come out!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And Boston, after some little delay caused in having to detach
+himself from surroundings, came forth like a lamb&mdash;I
+mean, like a black sheep.</p>
+
+<p>"What the dev&mdash;&mdash;!"</p>
+
+<p>But I draw a curtain over the rest; the doctor was profane,
+and he hurt my feelings <i>very much</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Poor old Treacle! The name stuck to him ever after.</p>
+
+<p>Well, I went to his wedding, and with the exception that at
+the critical part of the ceremony he dropped the ring, which,
+after we had all scrambled on our knees for, was found in the
+bride's veil, he went through the "happiest day of his life"
+without a mistake.</p>
+
+<p>As for myself, in searching for that ring, I knocked my head
+against Treacle's sister's, and it upset me. A thrill went through
+me, which was most painfully pleasant. At the breakfast-table
+I became sentimental; in making my speech for the ladies, I
+caught her&mdash;Treacle's sister's&mdash;eye, she smiled, and I lost the
+thread of my discourse. It was a very slender thread, and I
+never found it again until, one day, I was wandering round
+somebody's garden with my arm round Treacle's sister's waist,
+and,&mdash;but that doesn't matter! She is a jolly little thing, though&mdash;Treacle's
+sister is.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="THE_VOICE_OF_THE_SLUGGARD" id="THE_VOICE_OF_THE_SLUGGARD"></a>THE VOICE OF THE SLUGGARD.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Anonymous.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Have you brought my boots, Jemima? Leave them at my chamber door.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Does the water boil, Jemima? Place it also on the floor.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Eight o'clock already, is it? How's the weather&mdash;pretty fine?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Eight is tolerably early; I can get away by nine.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Still I feel a little sleepy, though I came to bed at one.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Put the bacon on, Jemima; see the eggs are nicely done!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'll be down in twenty minutes&mdash;or, if possible, in less;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I shall not be long, Jemima, when I once begin to dress.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She is gone, the brisk Jemima; she is gone, and little thinks<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How the sluggard yearns to capture yet another forty winks,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Since the bard is human only&mdash;not an early village cock&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why should he salute the morning at the hour of eight o'clock?<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span><span class="i0">Stifled be the voice of Duty; Prudence, prythee, cease to chide,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While I turn me softly, gently, round upon my other side.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sleep, resume thy downy empire; reassert thy sable reign!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Morpheus, why desert a fellow? Bring those poppies here again!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What's the matter, now, Jemima? Nine o'clock? It cannot be!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hast prepared the eggs, the bacon, and the matutinal tea?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Take away the jug, Jemima, go, replenish it anon;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Since the charm of its caloric must be very nearly gone.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She has left me. Let me linger till she reappears again,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let my lazy thoughts meander in a free and easy vein.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">After Sleep's profoundest solace, nought refreshes like the doze.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Should I tumble off, no matter; she will wake me, I suppose.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Bless me, is it you, Jemima? Mercy on us, what a knock?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Can it be&mdash;I can't believe it&mdash;actually ten o'clock?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I will out of bed and shave me. Fetch me warmer water up!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let the tea be strong, Jemima, I shall only want a cup!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Stop a minute! I remember some appointment by the way,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twould have brought me mints of money; 'twas for ten o'clock to-day.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let me drown my disappointment, Slumber, in thy seventh heaven!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You may go away, Jemima. Come and call me at eleven!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>From the "Leeds Mercury."</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="ARTEMUS_WARDS_VISIT_TO_THE_TOWER_OF_LONDON" id="ARTEMUS_WARDS_VISIT_TO_THE_TOWER_OF_LONDON"></a>ARTEMUS WARD'S VISIT TO THE TOWER OF LONDON.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Ch. Farrar Browne.</span></h3>
+
+<p>I skurcely need inform you that the Tower is very pop'lar
+with pe'ple from the agricultooral districks, and it was chiefly
+them class which I found waitin' at the gates the other mornin'.</p>
+
+<p>I saw at once that the Tower was established on a firm basis.
+In the entire history of firm basises, I don't find a basis more
+firmer than this one.</p>
+
+<p>"You have no Tower in America?" said a man in the crowd,
+who had somehow detected my denomination.</p>
+
+<p>"Alars! no," I ansered; "we boste of our enterprise and
+improovements, and yit we are devoid of a Tower. America,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span>
+oh my onhappy country! thou hast not got no Tower! It's a
+sweet Boon."</p>
+
+<p>The gates were opened after a while, and we all purchist
+tickets, and went into a waitin' room.</p>
+
+<p>"My frens," said a pale-faced little man, in black close,
+"that is a sad day."</p>
+
+<p>"Inasmuch as to how?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"I mean it is sad to think that so many peple have been
+killed within these gloomy walls. My frens, let us drop a
+tear."</p>
+
+<p>"No!" I said, "you must excuse me. Others may drop
+one if they feel like it; but as for me, I decline. The early
+managers of this institootion were a bad lot, and their crimes
+were trooly orful; but I can't sob for those who died four or
+five hundred years ago. If they was my own relations I
+couldn't. It's absurd to shed sobs over things which occurd
+during the rain of Henry the Three. Let us be cheerful," I
+continnered. "Look at the festiv Warders, in their red flannel
+jackets. They are cheerful, and why should it not be thusly
+with us?"</p>
+
+<p>A Warder now took us in charge, and showed us the Trater's
+Gate, the armers, and things. The Trater's Gate is wide enuff
+to admit about twenty traters abrest, I should jedge; but
+beyond this, I couldn't see that it was superior to gates in
+gen'ral.</p>
+
+<p>Traters, I will here remark, are an onforchunit class of pe'ple.
+If they wasn't, they wouldn't be traters. They conspire to
+bust up a country&mdash;they fail, and they're traters. They bust
+her, and they become statesmen and heroes.</p>
+
+<p>Take the case of Gloster, afterwards Old Dick the Three, who
+may be seen at the Tower on horseback, in a heavy tin overcoat&mdash;take
+Mr. Gloster's case. Mr. G. was a conspirator of the
+basist dye, and if he'd failed, he would have been hung on a
+sour apple tree. But Mr. G. succeeded and became great. He
+was slewed by Col. Richmond, but he lives in history, and his
+equestrian figger may be seen daily for a sixpence, in conjunction
+with other em'nent persons, and no extra charge for
+the Warder's able and bootiful lectur.</p>
+
+<p>There's one King in this room who is mounted onto a foaming
+steed, his right hand graspin a barber's pole. I didn't learn
+his name.</p>
+
+<p>The room where the daggers and pistils and other weppins is
+kept is interestin. Among this collection of choice cutlery I
+notist the bow and arrer which those hot-heded old chaps used
+to conduct battles with. It is quite like the bow and arrer used
+at this date by certain tribes of American Injuns, and they
+shoot 'em off with such an excellent precision that I almost
+sigh'd to be an Injun when I was in the Rocky Mountain regin.
+They are a pleasant lot, them Injuns. Mr. Cooper and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span>
+Dr. Catlin have told us of the red man's wonderful eloquence,
+and I found it so. Our party was stopt on the plains of Utah
+by a band of Shoshones, whose chief said:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Brothers! the pale-face is welcome. Brothers! the sun is
+sinking in the west, and Wa-na-bucky-she will soon cease
+speakin. Brothers! the poor red man belongs to a race which
+is fast becomin extink."</p>
+
+<p>He then whooped in a shrill manner, stole our blankets, and
+whisky, and fled to the primeval forest to conceal his emotions.</p>
+
+<p>I will remark here, while on the subjeck of Injuns, that they
+are in the main a very shaky set, with even less sense than the
+Fenians; and when I hear philanthropists bewailin the fack that
+every year "carries the noble red man nearer the settin sun,"
+I simply have to say I'm glad of it, tho' it is rough on the settin
+sun. They call you by the sweet name of Brother one minit,
+and the next they scalp you with their Thomas-hawks. But I
+wander. Let us return to the Tower.</p>
+
+<p>At one end of the room where the weppins is kept, is a wax
+figger of Queen Elizabeth, mounted on a fiery stuffed hoss,
+whose glass eye flashes with pride, and whose red morocker
+nostril dilates hawtily, as if, conscious of the royal burden he
+bears. I have associated Elizabeth with the Spanish Armady.
+She's mixed up with it at the Surrey Theatre, where <i>Troo to the
+Core</i> is bein acted, and in which a full bally core is introjooced
+on board the Spanish Admiral's ship, givin' the audiens the
+idea that he intends openin a moosic-hall in Plymouth the
+moment he conkers that town. But a very interestin drammer
+is <i>Troo to the Core</i>, notwithstandin the eccentric conduct of the
+Spanish Admiral; and very nice it is in Queen Elizabeth to
+make Martin Truegold a baronet.</p>
+
+<p>The Warder shows us some instrooments of tortur, such as thumbscrews,
+throat collars, etc., statin' that these was conkered from the Spanish
+Armady, and addin what a crooil peple the Spaniards was in them
+days&mdash;which elissited from a bright-eyed little girl of about twelve
+summers the remark that she tho't it was rich to talk about the crooilty
+of the Spaniards usin thumbscrews, when he was in a tower where so many
+poor peple's heads had been cut off. This made the Warder stammer and
+turn red.</p>
+
+<p>I was so pleased with the little girl's brightness that I could have
+kissed the dear child, and I would if she'd been six years older.</p>
+
+<p>I think my companions intended makin a day of it, for they all had
+sandwiches, sassiges, etc. The sad-lookin man, who had wanted us to drop
+a tear afore we started to go round, fling'd such quantities of sassige
+into his mouth that I expected to see him choke hisself to death; he
+said to me, in the Beauchamp Tower, where the poor prisoners writ their
+onhappy names on the cold walls, "This is a sad sight."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"It is indeed," I ansered. "You're black in the face. You shouldn't eat
+sassige in public without some rehearsals beforehand. You manage it
+orkwardly."</p>
+
+<p>"No," he said, "I mean this sad room."</p>
+
+<p>Indeed, he was quite right. Tho' so long ago all these drefful things
+happened, I was very glad to git away from this gloomy room, and go
+where the rich and sparklin Crown Jewils is kept. I was so pleased with
+the Queen's Crown, that it occurd to me what a agree'ble surprise it
+would be to send a sim'lar one home to my wife; and I asked the Warder
+what was the vally of a good well-constructed Crown like that. He told
+me, but on cypherin up with a pencil the amount of funs I have in the
+Jint Stock Bank, I conclooded I'd send her a genteel silver watch
+instid.</p>
+
+<p>And so I left the Tower. It is a solid and commandin edifis, but I deny
+that it is cheerful. I bid it adoo without a pang.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>From</i> "<span class="smcap">Punch</span>," <i>by permission of the Proprietors</i>.)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="MR_CAUDLE_HAS_LENT_AN_ACQUAINTANCE_THE_FAMILY_UMBRELLA" id="MR_CAUDLE_HAS_LENT_AN_ACQUAINTANCE_THE_FAMILY_UMBRELLA"></a>MR. CAUDLE HAS LENT AN ACQUAINTANCE THE FAMILY UMBRELLA.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Douglas Jerrold.</span></h3>
+
+<p>"That's the third umbrella gone since Christmas. <i>What
+were you to do?</i> Why let him go home in the rain, to be sure.
+I'm very certain there was nothing about <i>him</i> that could spoil.
+Take cold, indeed! He doesn't look like one of the sort to take
+cold. Besides, he'd have better taken cold than take our only
+umbrella. Do you hear the rain, Mr. Caudle? I say, do you
+hear the rain? And as I'm alive, if it isn't St. Swithin's day!
+Do you hear it, against the windows? Nonsense; you don't
+impose upon me. You can't be asleep with such a shower as
+that! Do you hear it, I say? Oh, you <i>do</i> hear it! Well,
+that's a pretty flood, I think, to last for six weeks; and no
+stirring all the time out of the house. Pooh! don't think me a
+fool, Mr. Caudle. Don't insult <i>me</i>. <i>He</i> return the umbrella!
+Anybody would think you were born yesterday. As if anybody
+ever <i>did</i> return an umbrella! There&mdash;do you hear it?
+Worse and worse? Cats and dogs, and for six weeks&mdash;always
+six weeks. And no umbrella!</p>
+
+<p>"I should like to know how the children are to go to school
+to-morrow?  They shan't go through such weather, I'm<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>
+determined. No: they shall stop at home and never learn
+anything&mdash;the blessed creatures!&mdash;sooner than go and get wet.
+And when they grow up, I wonder who they'll have to thank
+for knowing nothing&mdash;who, indeed, but their father? People
+who can't feel for their own children ought never to be fathers.</p>
+
+<p>"But I know why you lent the umbrella. Oh, yes; I know
+very well. I was going out to tea at dear mother's to-morrow&mdash;you
+knew that; and you did it on purpose. Don't tell me;
+you hate me to go there, and take every mean advantage to
+hinder me. But don't you think it, Mr. Caudle. No, sir; if it
+comes down in buckets-full, I'll go all the more. No: and I
+won't have a cab, where do you think the money's to come
+from? You've got nice high notions at that club of yours. A
+cab, indeed! Cost me sixteen-pence at least&mdash;sixteen pence!
+two and sixpence, for there's back again. Cabs, indeed! I
+should like to know who's to pay for 'em; I can't pay for 'em;
+and I'm sure you can't, if you go on as you do; throwing away
+your property, and beggaring your children&mdash;buying umbrellas!</p>
+
+<p>"Do you hear the rain, Mr. Caudle? I say, do you hear it?
+But I don't care&mdash;I'll go to mother's to-morrow, I will; and
+what's more, I'll walk every step of the way&mdash;and you know
+that will give me my death. Don't call me a foolish woman,
+it's you that's the foolish man. You know I can't wear clogs;
+and with no umbrella, the wet's sure to give me a cold&mdash;it
+always does. But what do you care for that? Nothing at all.
+I may be laid up for what you care, as I dare say I shall&mdash;and
+a pretty doctor's bill there'll be. I hope there will! It will
+teach you to lend your umbrellas again. I shouldn't wonder if
+I caught my death; yes; and that's what you lent the umbrella
+for. Of course!</p>
+
+<p>"Nice clothes I shall get too, trapesing through weather like
+this. My gown and bonnet will be spoilt quite. <i>Needn't I
+wear 'em, then?</i> Indeed, Mr. Caudle, I <i>shall</i> wear 'em. No,
+sir, I'm not going out a dowdy to please you or anybody else.
+Gracious knows! it isn't often that I step over the threshold;
+indeed, I might as well be a slave at once,&mdash;better, I should say.
+But when I do go out, Mr. Caudle, I choose to go like a
+lady. Oh! that rain&mdash;if it isn't enough to break in the
+windows.</p>
+
+<p>"Ugh! I do look forward with dread for to-morrow! How
+I am to go to mother's I'm sure I can't tell. But if I die, I'll
+do it. No, sir; I won't borrow an umbrella. No; and you
+shan't buy one. Now, Mr. Caudle, only listen to this; if you
+bring home another umbrella, I'll throw it in the street. I'll
+have my own umbrella, or none at all.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! and it was only last week I had a new nozzle put to
+that umbrella. I'm sure, if I'd have known as much as I do
+now, it might have gone without one for me. Paying for new
+nozzles, for other people to laugh at you. Oh, it's all very well<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>
+for you&mdash;you can go to sleep. You've no thought of your poor
+patient wife, and your own dear children. You think of nothing
+but lending umbrellas.</p>
+
+<p>"Men, indeed!&mdash;call themselves lords of the creation!&mdash;pretty
+lords, when they can't even take care of an umbrella.</p>
+
+<p>"I know that walk to-morrow will be the death of me. But
+that's what you want&mdash;then you may go to your club, and do
+as you like&mdash;and then, nicely my poor dear children will be
+used&mdash;but then, sir, then you'll be happy. Oh, don't tell me!
+I know you will. Else you'd never have lent the umbrella!</p>
+
+<p>"You have to go on Thursday about that summons; and, of
+course, you can't go. No, indeed, you <i>don't</i> go without the
+umbrella. You may lose the debt for what I care&mdash;it won't be
+so much as spoiling your clothes&mdash;better lose it: people deserve
+to lose debts who lend umbrellas!</p>
+
+<p>"And I should like to know how I'm to go to mother's without
+the umbrella? Oh, don't tell me that I said I would go&mdash;that's
+nothing to do with it; nothing at all. She'll think I'm
+neglecting her, and the little money we were to have, we shan't
+have at all&mdash;because we've no umbrella.</p>
+
+<p>"The children, too! Dear things! They'll be sopping wet:
+for they shan't stop at home&mdash;they shan't lose their learning;
+it's all their father will leave 'em, I'm sure. But they <i>shall</i> go
+to school. Don't tell me I said they shouldn't: you are so
+aggravating, Caudle; you'd spoil the temper of an angel. They
+<i>shall</i> go to school; mark that. And if they get their deaths of
+cold, it's not my fault&mdash;I didn't lend the umbrella!"</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+
+<p>"At length," writes Caudle, "I fell asleep; and dreamt that
+the sky was turned into green calico, with whalebone ribs;
+that, in fact, the whole world turned round under a tremendous
+umbrella!"</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of</i> <span class="smcap">Messrs. Bradbury, Agnew, &amp; Co.</span>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="DOMESTIC_ASIDES" id="DOMESTIC_ASIDES"></a>DOMESTIC ASIDES.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Tom Hood.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I really take it very kind,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">This visit, Mrs. Skinner,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I have not seen you such an age&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">(The wretch has come to dinner!)<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Your daughters, too, what loves of girls&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">What heads for painters' easels!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Come here, and kiss the infant, dears&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">(And give it, p'raps, the measles!)<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Your charming boys I see are home<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">From Reverend Mr. Russell's;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twas very kind to bring them both&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">(What boots for my new Brussels!)<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"What! little Clara left at home?<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Well now, I call that shabby:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I should have loved to kiss her so&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">(A flabby, dabby, babby!)<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"And Mr. S., I hope he's well,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Ah! though he lives so handy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He never drops in now to sup&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">(The better for our brandy!)<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Come, take a seat&mdash;I long to hear<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">About Matilda's marriage;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You've come, of course, to spend the day!<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">(Thank heaven, I hear the carriage!)<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"What! must you go? Next time I hope<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">You'll give me longer measure;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nay&mdash;I shall see you down the stairs&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">(With most uncommon pleasure!)<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Good-bye! good-bye! remember all,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Next time you'll take your dinners!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">(Now, David, mind I'm not at home<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">In future to the Skinners!")<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of</i> <span class="smcap">Messrs. Ward, Lock, &amp; Co.</span>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="THE_CHARITY_DINNER" id="THE_CHARITY_DINNER"></a>THE CHARITY DINNER.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Litchfield Moseley.</span></h3>
+
+<p>Time: half-past six o'clock. Place: The London Tavern.
+Occasion: Fifteenth Annual Festival of the Society for the
+Distribution of Blankets and Top-Boots among the Natives of
+the Cannibal Islands.</p>
+
+<p>On entering the room, we find more than two hundred noblemen,
+and gentlemen already assembled; and the number is
+increasing every minute. There are many well-known city
+diners here this evening. That very ordinary looking personage,
+with the rubicund complexion and pimply features, is old
+Moneypenny, senior partner of the great firm of Moneypenny,
+Blodgers, and Wobbles, corn factors of Mark Lane. He began
+the world as a fellowship porter, and always makes a rule of
+attending the principal dinners at the London Tavern, "because,"
+as he says confidentially, to Wobbles, "don't you see, my boy,
+it's a very cheap way of getting into society." He is talking
+now to Sir Sandy McHaggis, a Scotch baronet, with a slender
+purse and a large appetite, with whom he has scraped an
+acquaintance, and presented with a spare ticket for the festival;
+knowing that the Scotchman is "varra fond o' a gude dinner,
+specially when it costs a mon nothing at all." The preparations
+are now complete, and we are in readiness to receive the chairman.
+After a short pause, a little door at the end of the room
+opens, and the great man appears, attended by an admiring
+circle of stewards and toadies, carrying white wands, like a
+parcel of charity-school boys bent on beating the bounds. He
+advances smilingly to his post at the principal table, amid
+deafening and long-continued cheers.</p>
+
+<p>He is a very popular man, this chairman; for is he not the
+Earl of Mount-Stuart, late one of Her Majesty's Cabinet
+Ministers? and his wealth and party influence are known to be
+enormous.</p>
+
+<p>The dinner now makes its appearance, and we yield up ourselves
+to the enjoyments of eating and drinking. These important
+duties finished, and grace having been beautifully sung
+by the vocalists, the real business of the evening commences.
+The usual loyal toasts having been given, the noble chairman
+rises, and, after passing his fingers through his hair, he places
+his thumbs in the armholes of his waistcoat, gives a short preparatory
+cough, accompanied by a vacant stare round the room,
+and commences as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="pblockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">My Lords and Gentlemen</span>&mdash;It is with mingled pleasure
+and regret that I appear before you this evening: of pleasure,
+to find that this excellent and world-wide-known society is in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>
+so promising a condition; and, of regret, that you have not
+chosen a worthier chairman; in fact, one who is more capable
+than myself of dealing with a subject of such vital importance
+as this. (Loud cheers). But, although I may be unworthy of
+the honour, I am proud to state that I have been a subscriber
+to this society from its commencement; feeling sure that nothing
+can tend more to the advancement of civilization, social reform,
+fireside comfort, and domestic economy among the cannibals,
+than the diffusion of blankets and top-boots. (Tremendous
+cheering, which lasts for several minutes.) Here, in this
+England of ours, which is an island surrounded by water, as I
+suppose you all know&mdash;or, as our great poet so truthfully and
+beautifully expresses the same fact, 'England bound in by the
+triumphant sea'&mdash;what, down the long vista of years, have
+conduced more to our successes in arms, and arts and song,
+than blankets? Indeed, I never gaze upon a blanket without
+my thoughts reverting fondly to the days of my early childhood.
+Where should we all have been now but for those warm and
+fleecy coverings? My Lords and Gentlemen! Our first and
+tender memories are all associated with blankets: blankets
+when in our nurses' arms, blankets in our cradles, blankets in
+our cribs, blankets to our French bedsteads in our schooldays,
+and blankets to our marital four-posters now. Therefore, I
+say, it becomes our bounden duty as men,&mdash;and, with feelings
+of pride, I add, as Englishmen&mdash;to initiate the untutored savage,
+the wild and somewhat uncultivated denizen of the prairie, into
+the comfort and warmth of blankets; and to supply him, as
+far as practicable, with those reasonable, seasonable, luxurious,
+and useful appendages. At such a moment as this, the lines
+of another poet strike familiarly upon the ears. Let me see,
+they are something like this&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Blankets have charms to soothe the savage breast,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And to&mdash;to, do&mdash;a&mdash;&mdash;"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>I forget the rest. (Loud cheers.) Do we grudge our money
+for such a purpose? I answer, fearlessly, No! Could we spend
+it better at home? I reply most emphatically, No! True, it
+may be said that there are thousands of our own people who
+at this moment are wandering about the streets of this great
+metropolis without food to eat or rags to cover them. But
+what have we to do with them? Our thoughts, our feelings,
+and our sympathies, are all wafted on the wings of charity to
+the dear and interesting cannibals in the far-off islands of the
+green Pacific Ocean. (Hear, hear.) Besides, have not our
+own poor the workhouses to go to; the luxurious straw of the
+casual wards to repose upon, if they please; the mutton broth
+to bathe in; and the ever toothsome, although somewhat
+scanty, allowance of 'toke' provided for them? And let it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span>
+ever be remembered that our own people are not savages, and
+man-eaters; and, therefore, our philanthropy would be wasted
+upon them. (Overwhelming applause.) To return to our
+subject. Perhaps some person or persons here may wonder
+why we should not send out side-springs and bluchers, as well
+as top-boots. To those I will say, that top-boots alone answer
+the object desired&mdash;namely, not only to keep the feet dry, but
+the legs warm, and thus to combine the double use of shoes
+and stockings. Is it not an instance of the remarkable foresight
+of this society, that it purposely abstains from sending
+out any other than top-boots? To show the gratitude of the
+cannibals for the benefits conferred upon them, I will just
+mention that, within the last few weeks, his Illustrious Majesty,
+Hokee Pokey Wankey Fum the First, surnamed by his loving
+subjects, 'The Magnificent,' from the fact of his wearing, on
+Sundays, a shirt-collar and an eye-glass as full court costume&mdash;has
+forwarded the president of this society a very handsome
+present, consisting of two live alligators, a boa constrictor, and
+three pots of preserved Indian, to be eaten with toast; and I
+am told, by competent judges, that it is quite equal to Russian
+caviare.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">My Lords and Gentlemen</span>&mdash;I will not trespass on your
+patience by making any further remarks; knowing how incompetent
+I am&mdash;no, no! I don't mean that&mdash;how incompetent you
+all are&mdash;no! I don't mean either&mdash;but you all know what I
+mean. Like the ancient Roman lawgiver, I am in a peculiar
+position; for the fact is, I cannot sit down&mdash;I mean to say,
+that I cannot sit down without saying that, if there ever <i>was</i>
+an institution, it is <i>this</i> institution; and therefore, I beg to
+propose, 'Prosperity to the Society for the Distribution of
+Blankets and Top-boots among the Natives of the Cannibal
+Islands.'"</p></div>
+
+<p>The toast having been cordially responded to, his lordship
+calls upon Mr. Duffer, the secretary, to read the report.
+Whereupon that gentlemen, who is of a bland and oily temperament,
+and whose eyes are concealed by a pair of green spectacles,
+produces the necessary document, and reads, in the
+orthodox manner,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="pblockquot"><p>"Thirtieth Half-yearly Report of the Society for the Distribution
+of Blankets and Top-boots to the Natives of the
+Cannibal Islands.</p>
+
+<p>"The society having now reached its fifteenth anniversary,
+the committee of management beg to congratulate their friends
+and subscribers on the success that has been attained.</p>
+
+<p>"When the society first commenced its labours, the generous
+and noble-minded natives of the islands, together with their
+king&mdash;a chief whose name is well known in connexion with
+one of the most stirring and heroic ballads of this country<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>&mdash;attired
+themselves in the light but somewhat insufficient costume
+of their tribe&mdash;viz., little before, nothing behind, and no
+sleeves, with the occasional addition of a pair of spectacles;
+but now, thanks to this useful association, the upper classes of
+the cannibals seldom appear in public without their bodies
+being enveloped in blankets and their feet encased in top-boots.</p>
+
+<p>"When the latter useful articles were first introduced into
+the islands, the society's agents had a vast amount of trouble to
+prevail upon the natives to apply them to their proper purposes;
+and, in their work of civilization, no less than twenty of its
+representatives were massacred, roasted, and eaten. But we
+persevered; we overcame the natural antipathy of the cannibals
+to wear any covering to their feet; until after a time, the
+natives discovered the warmth and utility of boots; and now
+they can scarcely be induced to remove them until they fall off
+through old age.</p>
+
+<p>"During the past half year, the society has distributed no
+less than 71 blankets and 128 pairs of top-boots; and your
+committee, therefore, feel convinced that they will not be
+accused of inaction. But a great work is still before them;
+and they earnestly invite co-operation, in order that they may
+be enabled to supply the whole of the cannibals with these
+comfortable, nutritious, and savoury articles.</p>
+
+<p>"As the balance-sheet is rather a lengthy document, I will
+merely quote a few of the figures for your satisfaction. We
+have received, during the half-year, in subscriptions, donations,
+and legacies, the sum of &pound;5,403 6<i>s.</i> 8&frac34;<i>d.</i> Rent, rates, and taxes,
+&pound;305 10<i>s.</i> 0&frac14;<i>d.</i> Seventy-one pairs of blankets, at 20<i>s.</i> per pair,
+have taken &pound;71 exactly; and 128 pairs of tops-boots, at 21<i>s.</i>
+per pair, cost us &pound;134 some odd shillings. The salaries and
+expenses of management amount to &pound;1,307 4<i>s.</i> 2&frac12;<i>d.</i>; and
+sundries, which include committee meetings and travelling
+expenses, have absorbed the remainder of the sum, and amount
+to &pound;3,268 9<i>s.</i> 1&frac34;<i>d.</i> So that we have expended on the dear and
+interesting cannibals the sum of &pound;205, and the remainder of
+the sum&mdash;amounting to &pound;5,198&mdash;has been devoted to the working
+expenses of the society."</p></div>
+
+<p>The reading concluded, the secretary resumes his seat amid
+heavy applause, which continues until Mr. Alderman Gobbleton
+rises, and, in a somewhat lengthy and discursive speech&mdash;in
+which the phrases, "the Corporation of the City of London,"
+"suit and service," "ancient guild," "liberties and privileges,"
+and "Court of Common Council," figure frequently, states that
+he agrees with everything the noble chairman has said; and
+has, moreover, never listened to a more comprehensive and
+exhaustive document than the one just read; which is calculated
+to satisfy even the most obtuse and hard-headed of
+individuals.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Gobbleton is a great man in the City. He has either been
+Lord Mayor, or sheriff, or something of the sort; and, as a few
+words of his go a long way with his friends and admirers, his
+remarks are very favourably received.</p>
+
+<p>"Clever man, Gobbleton!" says a common councilman,
+sitting near us, to his neighbour, a languid swell of the period.</p>
+
+<p>"Ya-as, vewy! Wemarkable style of owatowy&mdash;and gweat
+fluency," replies the other.</p>
+
+<p>But attention, if you please!&mdash;for M. Hector de Longuebeau,
+the great French writer, is on his legs. He is staying in
+England for a short time, to become acquainted with our
+manners and customs.</p>
+
+<div class="pblockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">Milors and Gentlemans!</span>" commences the Frenchman,
+elevating his eyebrows, and shrugging his shoulders. "Milors
+and Gentlemans&mdash;You excellent chairman, M. le Baron de
+Mount-Stuart, he have say to me, 'Make de toast.' Den I say
+to him dat I have no toast to us; but he nudge my elbow ver
+soft, and say dat dere is von toast dat nobody but von Frenchman
+can make proper; and, derefore, wid you kind permission,
+I will make de toast. 'De brevet&eacute; is de sole of de feet,' as
+you great philosopher, Dr. Johnson, do say, in dat amusing
+little work of his, de Pronouncing Dictionnaire; and derefore,
+I vill not say ver moch to de point. Ven I vas a boy, about
+so moch tall, and used for to promenade de streets of Marseilles
+et of Rouen, vid no feet to put onto my shoe, I nevare to have
+expos&eacute; dat dis day vould to have arriv&eacute;. I vas to begin de
+vorld as von gar&ccedil;on&mdash;or, vat you call in dis countrie, von
+vaitaire in a caf&eacute;&mdash;vere I vork ver hard, vid no habillemens at
+all to put onto myself, and ver little food to eat, excep' von old
+bleu blouse vat vas give to me by de proprietaire, just for to keep
+myself fit to be showed at, but, tank goodness, tings dey have
+chang&eacute; ver moch for me since dat time, and I have rose myself,
+seulement par mon industrie et perseverance. (Loud
+cheers.) Ah! mes amis! ven I hear to myself de flowing
+speech, de oration magnifique of you Lor' Maire, Monsieur
+Gobbledown, I feel dat it is von great privilige for von &eacute;tranger
+to sit at de same table, and to eat de same food, as that grand,
+dat majestique man, who are de terreur of de voleurs and de
+brigands of de metropolis; and who is also, I for to suppos&eacute;, a
+halterman and de chef of you common scoundrel. Milors and
+gentlemans, I feel dat I can perspire to no greatare honneur
+dan to be von common scoundrelman myself; but h&eacute;las! dat
+plaisir are not for me, as I are not freeman of your great cit&eacute;,
+not von liveryman servant of von of you compagnies joint-stock.
+But I must not forget de toast. Milors and Gentlemans! De
+immortal Shakespeare he have write, 'De ting of beauty are
+de joy for nevermore.' It is de ladies who are de toast. Vat
+is more entrancing dan de charmante smile, de soft voice, de
+vinking eye of de beautiful lady? It is de ladies who do<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span>
+sweeten de cares of life. It is de ladies who are de guiding
+stars of our existence. It is de ladies who do cheer but not
+inebriate; and, derefore, vid all homage to dere sex, de toast
+dat I have to propose is, 'De Ladies! God bless dem all!'"</p></div>
+
+<p>And the little Frenchman sits down amid a perfect tempest
+of cheers.</p>
+
+<p>A few more toasts are given, the list of subscriptions is read,
+a vote of thanks is passed to the noble chairman; and the
+Fifteenth Annual Festival of the Society for the Distribution
+of Blankets and Top-boots among the Natives of the Cannibal
+Islands is at an end.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>Copyright of</i> <span class="smcap">Messrs. F. Warne &amp; Co.</span>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="ACTING_WITH_A_VENGEANCE" id="ACTING_WITH_A_VENGEANCE"></a>ACTING WITH A VENGEANCE.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">W. Sapte, Jun.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Methinks 'tis a very remarkable "sign<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of the times"&mdash;I must own this expression's not mine&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">How in these latter days<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The theatrical craze<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Has obtained such a hold on all grades of society;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And this love of the stage<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Is a mark of the age<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which is not in accord with <i>my</i> views of propriety.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Twas only last week a young lady I know<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Invited the world in a body to go<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">(On a wretched wet day)<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">To a dull <i>matin&eacute;e</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When she made her <i>d&eacute;b&ucirc;t</i> in the "Hunchback," as Julia;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">A part which to act is<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">A thing of long practice,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Surely ne'er was conceit more absurd or unrulier.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">How can amateur actors commence at the top<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of the Thespian Tree, and avoid coming flop?<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">It would seem very queer<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">If a young volunteer<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Should begin by commanding the Royal Horse Artillery,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Or if babies should bilk<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span><span class="i4">Their allowance of milk<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And insist upon sucking from bottles of Sillery.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">So it mostly occurs<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That an amateur errs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And gets chaffed for possessing less skill than audacity,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">When he tackles a part<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Without learning the art,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And exposes his natural want of capacity&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And what is more painful, his lack of sagacity.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">I'm bound to admit<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">I was rather once bit<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By the mania myself in a mild sort of way;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Paid a half-guinea fee<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">To the Zeus A.D.C.,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And found myself cast for a part in a play.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I think 'twas the Bandit Brothers of Brighton&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Or Eastbourne, or Yarmouth&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Or Hastings, or Barmouth&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I forget for the moment which place was the right 'un&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">But I know there's a chief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Who at last comes to grief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">After numerous blood-curdling adventures and rescues,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Such as frequently writers in modern burlesque use.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Now the part of the chief<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Who comes to grief<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was secured by a hot-tempered youth, named O'Keefe;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">In spite of the jealousy<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Of two other fellows, he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Cast himself as the leader, without hesitation,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And resented remarks with extreme indignation.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">So the others were fain<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Their rage to contain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And one e'en accepted the part which was reckoned<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To be, on the whole, the one that ranked second.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The local Town Hall was engaged, which would hold<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some three hundred people&mdash;the tickets were sold&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The purchasers wishing to help the good charity<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">We played for; some adding<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Donations, and gladding<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The treasurer's heart to a state of hilarity.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Rehearsals galore<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Were to take place before<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The <i>d&eacute;b&ucirc;t</i> on the boards of the Zeus A.D.C.&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the members were earnest as earnest could be.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Well, the opening one<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Was rather good fun,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For we found that the practice of vigorous fighting<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twixt Bandits and Coastguards was rather exciting;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">But later, you know<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">It got rather slow<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For those who were "supers" to constantly go<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And lay the same victims perpetually low,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With time after time the identical blow.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">But Mr. O'Keefe,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Who played the chief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Had a time less monotonous, greatly, than ours,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And always kept up the rehearsals for hours.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Still he wasn't quite happy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And often got snappy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For Richard McEwen, who'd wanted to play<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The part of the chief, and used often to say<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He'd have done it himself in a much better way,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was by no means contented, thus feeling superior<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To play "seconds" to Keefe, his decided inferior.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">So he did what he could<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">To annoy the great K.,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And misunderstood,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">In a scandalous way,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All the stage-manager's proper directions,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And refused to accept either hints or corrections.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Now in the third act, the time being night,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The scene on the beach, there's a hand-to-hand fight<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">'Twixt the Bandit chief<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">(That's Mr. O'Keefe)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the coastguard captain, Mr. McEwen,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">In which 'tis agreed<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That the first shall succeed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While the latter comes in for no end of a hewing.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But Richard McEwen was strong and quick,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a very good hand with the single-stick,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And he didn't see why<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">He should quietly die<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By the sword of a man, much less clever at fencing.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">So he <i>would</i> give a twist<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Of his muscular wrist,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which disarmed the brave Bandit soon after commencing.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">The rage of O'Keefe<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Exceeded belief,<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span><span class="i0">For McEwen <i>would</i> do it at ev'ry rehearsal;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The manager vowed<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">It could not be allowed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the company's protests became universal.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">McEwen explained<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That he thought the piece gained<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By his showing his skill&mdash;how could anyone doubt it?<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">"There's more credit," said he,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">"To the chief than there'd be<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If he killed a weak chap who knew nothing about it."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And he went on to say that O'Keefe wasn't fit<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the part of the chief, and could not fence a bit.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">O'Keefe in reply,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Gave McEwen the lie,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And vowed he would kick him<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Or otherwise "lick" him,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While his eyes flashed like those of a tiger or leopard. He<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Induced us to think<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That his rival must shrink<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From placing himself in such obvious jeopardy.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He did so&mdash;and afterwards things all went smoothly,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While O'Keefe played his part in a manner quite Booth-ly,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or, as somebody said, without meaning to gush,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He'd have put Henry Irving himself to the blush.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">As soon as the public performance drew nigh<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The local excitement ran awfully high,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">For reports had been spread<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">(By the club, be it said)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That something uncommonly good was expected,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And so on the day<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">We turned people away<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From the doors, where quite early a crowd had collected.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Well, the overture over, the drama began,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But, thanks to our casual property man,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The rise of the curtain<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Was somewhat uncertain.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In fact, for five minutes or so the thing <i>stuck</i>&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Which was terrible luck!<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And affected the play,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">At least, so I should say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the opening act went decidedly tamely,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Though O'Keefe and his bandits stuck to it most gamely.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span>
+<span class="i4">There was not much applause,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Which perhaps was because<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Our audience was certainly very genteel,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And thought it was rude folks should show what they feel;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Still, we should have preferred<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Some "bravos!" to have heard.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And two or three gentlemen seemingly napping,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We thought might have better employed themselves clapping.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">If first act went badly<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">The second quite dragged;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The actors worked sadly,<br /></span>
+<span class="i5">All interest flagged.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And though very often we caught people laughing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The occasions they chose made us think they were chaffing.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Next came act the third, in which the O'Keefe<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was to be very great as the terrible chief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">For in it he killed<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">His rival, and spilled<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The gore of the coastguards all over the coast,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And eloped with a bride,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Who beheld him with pride<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Though she could herself of a coronet boast.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">As a matter of fact<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">We hoped that this act<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Would redeem in a measure the ones that preceded,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And it opened so well,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And O'Keefe looked so swell,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That at last we obtained the encouragement needed.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And then came the fight.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">No one thought, on that night,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That McEwen would dare try his vile <i>tour de force</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And the battle began<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">On the well-rehearsed plan,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While the supers made ready to bear off his corse.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<hr style='width: 25%;' />
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Whatever induced him to do it? Who knows?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He says 'twas an accident. Well, I suppose,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">When a man tells you that,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">A denial too flat<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Might perhaps lead to arguments, even to blows.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">But, be that as it may,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The O'Keefe <i>couldn't</i> slay<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">His opponent, whose wrist<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">All at once gave a twist,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the brave bandit's weapon went flying away!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The supers stood spellbound, as over the stage<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span><span class="i0">Strode the maddened O'Keefe; in a frenzy of rage<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He picked up his sword, and then went for his foe<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">In terrible earnest.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Oh, that was the sternest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Most truculent fight<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Ever fought in the sight<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of innocent people, who shouted "Bravo!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Little knowing how soon the real blood was to flow.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Thank Heaven, the swords<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Were as blunt as two boards!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Otherwise the result would have been simply frightful.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">As it was, every whack<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Make the deuce of a crack,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While the audience considered it clearly delightful.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">With th' applause at its height,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">This most bloodthirsty fight,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By a blow from the skilful McEwen was ended.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">O'Keefe fell as if dead,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">With a gash on his head;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The supers rushed forward, the curtain descended.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Talk about clapping!<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And walking-stick rapping!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While even the gentlemen formerly napping,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">"Bravoed" themselves hoarse<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">With the whole of their force,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And made their fat palms quite tender with slapping.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"O'Keefe! and McEwen!" was shouted by all,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why the deuce don't they come and acknowledge the call?<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Then some people said<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">"That blow on the head&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was it part of the play?&mdash;or"&mdash;ah, see, in the hall<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A youth&mdash;he's a member, as that ribbon shows&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">See! to Doctor Pomander he stealthily goes&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">To the doctor, who sat<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">With his coat and his hat<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Just under his seat, that he need not delay<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If a patient should send to fetch him away;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But who never expected to find <i>in</i> the hall<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A patient&mdash;and much less a bandit&mdash;at all!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Anxiety now<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Takes the place of the row,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And people talk low<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And ask "Shall they go?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When before the dropped curtain there comes with a bow<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The stage-manager suave,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">With a countenance grave,<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span><span class="i0">To announce that although there's nought serious the matter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">(Here applause and some chatter)<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Still, in the late fight<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The <i>wrong</i> man beat the <i>right</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And that therefore the show was at end for the night.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Thus the bandit chief<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Came duly to grief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Though not in the way that the author intended,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And as for his head<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Ere he went home to bed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The doctor had seen that 'twas properly mended.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This, friends, was the end of the drama for me,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And for most, I believe, of the Zeus A.D.C.,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Whose need of success<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">May indeed have been less<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Than that usually obtained by such clubs and societies;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">But be that as it may,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">I have e'er from that day<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Placed amateur acting among th' improprieties.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="MY_FORTNIGHT_AT_WRETCHEDVILLE" id="MY_FORTNIGHT_AT_WRETCHEDVILLE"></a>MY FORTNIGHT AT WRETCHEDVILLE.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">George Augustus Sala.</span></h3>
+
+<p>How I came to be acquainted with Wretchedville was in this wise. I was
+in quest last autumn of a nice quiet place within a convenient distance
+of town, where I could finish an epic poem&mdash;or stay, was it a five-act
+drama?&mdash;on which I had been long engaged, and where I could be secure
+from the annoyance of organ-grinders, and of reverend gentlemen leaving
+little subscription books one day and calling for them the next. I pined
+for a place where one could be very snug, and where one's friends didn't
+drop in "just to look you up, old fellow," and where the post didn't
+come in too often. So I picked up a bag of needments, and availing
+myself of a mid-day train on the Great Domdaniel Railway, alighted
+haphazard at a station.</p>
+
+<p>It turned out to be Sobbington. I saw at a glance that Sobbington was
+too fashionable, not to say stuck-up for me. The waltz from "Faust" was
+pianofortetically audible from at least half-a-dozen semi-detached
+windows; and this, com<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span>bined with some painful variations on "Take,
+then, the sabre," and a cursory glance into a stationer's shop and fancy
+warehouse, where two stern mammas of low-church aspect were purchasing
+the back numbers of "The New Pugwell Square Pulpit," and three young
+ladies were telegraphically inquiring, behind their parents' backs, of
+the young person at the counter whether any letters had been left for
+them, sufficed to accelerate my departure from Sobbington. The next
+station on the road, I was told, was Doleful Hill, and then came
+Deadwood Junction. I thought I would take a little walk, and see what
+the open and what the covert yielded.</p>
+
+<p>I left my bag with a moody porter at the Sobbington Station, and trudged
+along the road which had been indicated to me as leading to Doleful
+Hill. It is true that I had not the remotest idea of where I was going
+to live. I walked onwards and onwards, admiring the field cows in the
+far-off pastures&mdash;cows the white specks on whose hides recurred so
+artistically that one might have thought the scenic arrangement of the
+landscape had been entrusted to Mr. Birket Foster. Anon I saw coming
+towards me, a butcher-boy in his cart, drawn by a fast trotting pony. I
+asked him when he neared me, how far it might be to Doleful Hill.</p>
+
+<p>"Good two mile," quoth the butcher-boy, pulling up. "But you'll have to
+pass Wretchedville first. Lays in a 'ole a little to the left, 'arf a
+mile on."</p>
+
+<p>"Wretchedville," thought I; what an odd name! "What sort of a place is
+it?" I inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," replied the butcher-boy; "it's a lively place, a werry lively
+place. I should say it was lively enough to make a cricket burst himself
+for spite: it's so uncommon lively." And with this enigmatical
+deliverance the butcher-boy relapsed into a whistle of the utmost
+shrillness, and rattled away towards Sobbington.</p>
+
+<p>I wish that it had not been quite so golden an afternoon. A little
+dulness, a few clouds in the sky, might have acted as a caveat against
+Wretchedville. But I plodded on and on, finding all things looking
+beautiful in that autumn glow, until at last I found myself descending
+the declivitous road into Wretchedville and to destruction.</p>
+
+<p>"Were there any apartments to let?" Of course there were. The very first
+house I came to was, as regards the parlour-window, nearly blocked up by
+a placard treating of "Apartments Furnished." Am I right in describing
+it as the parlour-window? I scarcely know; for the front door, with
+which it was on a level, was approached by such a very steep flight of
+steps, that when you stood on the topmost grade, it seemed as though,
+with a very slight effort, you could have peeped in at the bed-room
+window, or touched one of the chimney-pots; while as concerns the
+basement, the front<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> kitchen&mdash;I beg pardon, the breakfast
+parlour&mdash;appeared to be a good way above the level of the street.</p>
+
+<p>The space in the first-floor window not occupied by the placard, was
+filled by a monstrous group of wax fruit, the lemons as big as pumpkins,
+and the leaves of an unnaturally vivid green. The window below&mdash;it was a
+single-windowed front&mdash;served merely as a frame for the half-length
+portrait of a lady in a cap, ringlets, and a colossal cameo brooch. The
+eyes of this portrait were fixed upon me; and before almost I had lifted
+a very small light knocker, decorated, so far as I could make out, with
+the cast-iron effigy of a desponding ape, and had struck this against a
+door, which to judge from the amount of percussion produced, was
+composed of Bristol board highly varnished, the portal itself flew open
+and the portrait of the basement appeared in the flesh; indeed, it was
+the same portrait. Downstairs it had been Mrs. Primpris looking out into
+the Wretchedville Road for lodgers. Upstairs it was Mrs. Primpris
+letting her lodgings and glorying in the act.</p>
+
+<p>She didn't ask for any references. She didn't hasten to inform me that
+there were no children or any other lodgers. She didn't look doubtful
+when I told her that the whole of my luggage consisted of a black bag
+which I had left at the Sobbington Station. She seemed rather pleased
+with the idea of the bag, and said that her Alfred should step round for
+it. She didn't object to smoking; and she at once invested me with the
+Order of the Latchkey&mdash;a latchkey at Wretchedville, ha! ha! She further
+held me with her glittering eye, and I listened like a two-years' child
+while she let me the lodgings for a fortnight certain.</p>
+
+<p>She had converted me into a single gentleman lodger of quiet and retired
+habits&mdash;or was I a widower of independent means seeking a home in a
+cheerful family?&mdash;so suddenly that I beheld all things as in a dream.
+Thinking, perchance, that the first stone of that monumental edifice,
+the bill, could not be laid too quickly, she immediately provided me
+with tea. There was a little cottage-loaf, so hard, round, shiny, and
+compact, that I experienced a well-nigh uncontrollable desire to fling
+it up to the ceiling to ascertain whether it would chip off any portion
+of a preposterous rosette in stucco in the centre, representing a
+sunflower surrounded by cabbage-leaves. This terrible ornament was, by
+the way, one of the chief sources of my misery at Wretchedville: I was
+continually apprehensive that it would tumble down bodily on the table.
+In addition to the cottage-loaf there was a pretentious tea-pot, which,
+had it been of sterling silver, would have been worth fifty guineas, but
+which in its ghastly gleaming, said plainly, "Sheffield" and
+"imposture." There was a piece of butter in a "shape" like a diminutive
+haystack, and with a cow sprawling on the top in unctuous plasticity. It
+was a pallid kind of butter, from which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> with difficulty you shaved off
+adipocerous scales, which would not be persuaded to adhere to the bread,
+but flew off at tangents and went rolling about an intolerably large
+tea-tray on whose papier-m&acirc;ch&eacute; surface was depicted the death of Captain
+Hedley Vicars. The Crimean sky was inlaid with mother-of-pearl, and the
+gallant captain's face was highly enriched with blue and crimson
+foil-paper.</p>
+
+<p>As for the tea, I don't think I ever tasted such a peculiar mixture. Did
+you ever sip warm catsup sweetened with borax? <i>That</i> might have been
+something like it. And what was that sediment, strongly resembling the
+sand at Great Yarmouth, at the bottom of the cup? I sat down to my meal,
+however, and made as much play with the cottage-loaf as I could. Had the
+loaf been varnished? It smelt and looked as though it had undergone that
+process. Everything in the house smelt of varnish. I was uncomfortably
+conscious, too, during my repast&mdash;one side of the room being all
+window&mdash;that I was performing the part of a "Portrait of the Gentleman
+on the first floor," and that, as such, I was "sitting" to Mrs. Lucknow
+at Number Twelve opposite&mdash;I knew her name was Lucknow, for a brass
+plate on the door said so&mdash;whose own half-length effigy was visible in
+her own breakfast-parlour window glowering at me reproachfully because I
+had not taken her first floor, in the window of which was, not a group
+of wax fruit, but a sham alabaster vase full of artificial flowers.
+Every window in Wretchedville exhibited one or other of these ornaments,
+and it was from their contemplation that I began to understand how it
+was that the "fancy goods" trade in the Minories and Houndsditch throve
+so well. They made things there to be purchased by the housekeepers of
+Wretchedville.</p>
+
+<p>The shades of evening fell, and Mrs. Primpris brought me in a monstrous
+paraffin-lamp, the flame of which wouldn't do anything but lick the
+chimney-glass till it smoked it to the proper hue to observe eclipses
+by, and then splutter into extinction and charnel-like odour. After that
+we tried a couple of composites (six to the pound) in green glass
+candlesticks. I asked Mrs. Primpris if she could send me up a book to
+read, and she favoured me, <i>per</i> Alfred and Selina, with her whole
+library, consisting of the Asylum Press Almanack for 1860; two odd
+volumes of the Calcutta Directory; the Brewer and Distiller's Assistant;
+Julia de Crespigny, or a Winter in London; Dunoyer's French Idioms; and
+the Reverend Mr. Huntingdon's Bank of Faith.</p>
+
+<p>I took out my cigar-case after this and began to smoke; and then I heard
+Mrs. Primpris coughing and a number of doors being thrown wide open.
+Upon this I concluded that I would go to bed. My sleeping apartment&mdash;the
+first-floor back&mdash;was a perfect cube. One side was a window overlooking
+a strip of clay-soil hemmed in between brick walls. There were no
+tomb<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span>stones yet, but if it wasn't a cemetery, why, when I opened the
+window to get rid of the odour of the varnish, did it smell like one?
+The opposite side of the cube was composed of a chest of drawers. I am
+not impertinently curious by nature, but as I was the first-floor
+lodger, bethought myself entitled to open the top long drawer with a
+view to the bestowal of the contents of my black bag. The drawer was not
+empty; but that which it held made me feel very nervous. I suppose the
+weird figure I saw stretched out there with pink arms and legs sprouting
+from a shroud of silver paper, a quantity of ghastly auburn curls, and
+two blue glass eyes unnaturally gleaming in the midst of a mask of
+salmon-coloured wax, was Selina's best doll; the present perhaps of her
+uncle, who was, haply, a Calcutta director, or an Asylum Press Almanack
+maker, or a brewer and distiller, or a cashier in the Bank of Faith. I
+shut the drawer again hurriedly, and that doll in its silver paper
+cerecloth haunted me all night.</p>
+
+<p>The third side of my bedroom consisted of chimney&mdash;the coldest, hardest,
+brightest-looking fire-place I ever saw out of Hampton Court Palace
+guardroom. The fourth side was door. I forget into which corner was
+hitched a wash-hand stand. The ceiling was mainly stucco rosette, of the
+pattern of the one in my sitting-room. Among the crazes which came over
+me at this time, was one to the effect that this bedroom was a cabin on
+board ship, and that if the ship should happen to lurch or roll in the
+trough of the sea, I must infallibly tumble out of the door or the
+window, or into the drawer where the doll was&mdash;unless the drawer and the
+doll came out to me&mdash;or up the chimney. I think that I murmured
+"Steady!" as I clomb into bed.</p>
+
+<p>My couch&mdash;an "Arabian" one, Mrs. Primpris said proudly&mdash;seemingly
+consisted of the Logan, or celebrated rocking-stone of Cornwall, loosely
+covered with bleached canvas, under which was certain loose foreign
+matter, but whether composed of flocculi of wool or of the halves of
+kidney potatoes I am not in a position to state. At all events I awoke
+in the morning veined all over like a scagliola column. I never knew,
+too, before, that any blankets were manufactured in Yorkshire, or
+elsewhere, so remarkably small and thin as the two seeming flannel
+pocket-handkerchiefs with blue-and-crimson edging, which formed part of
+Mrs. Primpris's Arabian bed-furniture. Nor had I hitherto been aware, as
+I was when I lay with that window at my feet, that the moon was so very
+large. The orb of night seemed to tumble on me flat, until I felt as
+though I were lying in a cold frying-pan. It was a "watery moon," I have
+reason to think; for when I awoke the next morning, much battered with
+visionary conflicts with the doll, I found that it was raining cats and
+dogs.</p>
+
+<p>"The rain," the poet tells us, "it raineth every day." It<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> rained most
+prosaically all that day at Wretchedville, and the next, and from Monday
+morning till Saturday night, and then until the middle of the next week!
+Dear me! dear me! how wretched I was! I hasten to declare that I have no
+kind of complaint to make against Mrs. Primpris. Not a flea was felt in
+her house. The cleanliness of the villa was so scrupulous as to be
+distressing. It smelt of soap and scrubbing-brush like a Refuge. Mrs.
+Primpris was strictly honest, even to the extent of inquiring what I
+would like to have done with the fat of cold mutton-chops, and sending
+me up antediluvian crusts, the remnants of last week's cottage-loaves,
+with which I would play moodily at knock-'em-downs, using the
+pepper-caster as a pin. I have nothing to say against Alfred's fondness
+for art. India-rubber to be sure, is apter to smear than to obliterate
+drawings in chalk; but a three-penny piece is not much; and you cannot
+too early encourage the imitative faculties. And again, if Selina did
+require correction, I am not prepared to deny that a shoe may be the
+best implement and the blade bones the most fitting portion of the human
+anatomy for such an exercitation.</p>
+
+<p>I merely say that I was wretched at Wretchedville, and that Mrs.
+Primpris's apartments very much aggravated my misery. The usual
+objections taken to a lodging-house are to the effect that the furniture
+is dingy, the cooking execrable, the servant a slattern, and the
+landlady either a crocodile or a tigress. Now my indictment against my
+Wretchedville apartments simply amounts to this: that everything was too
+new. Never were there such staring paper-hangings, such gaudily printed
+druggets for carpets, such blazing hearthrugs&mdash;one representing the dog
+of Montargis seizing the murderer of the Forest of Bondy&mdash;such gleaming
+fire-irons, and such remarkably shiny looking-glasses with gilt halters
+for frames. The crockery was new, and the glue on the chairs and tables
+was scarcely dry. The new veneer peeled off the new chiffonier. The
+roller-blinds to the windows were so new that they wouldn't work. The
+new stair-carpeting used to dazzle my eyes so, that I was always
+tripping myself up; the new oil-cloth in the hall smelt like the Trinity
+House repository for new buoys; and Mrs. Primpris was always full
+dressed by nine o'clock in the morning. She confessed once or twice
+during my stay that her house was not quite "seasoned." It was not even
+seasoned to sound. Every time the kitchen-fire was poked you heard the
+sound in the sitting-room. As to perfumes, whenever the lid of the
+copper in the wash-house was raised, the first-floor lodger was aware of
+the fact. I knew by the simple evidence of my olfactory organs what Mrs.
+Primpris had for dinner every day. Pork, accompanied by some green
+esculent, boiled, predominated.</p>
+
+<p>When my fortnight's tenancy had expired&mdash;I never went<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> outside the house
+until I left it for good&mdash;and my epic poem, or whatever it was, had more
+or less been completed, I returned to London, and had a rare bilious
+attack. The doctor said it was painter's colic; I said at the time it
+was disappointed ambition, for the booksellers had looked very coldly on
+my poetical proposals, and the managers to a man had refused to read my
+play; but at this present writing I believe the sole cause of my malady
+to have been Wretchedville. I hope they will pull down the villas and
+build the jail there soon, and that the rascal convicts will be as
+wretched as I was.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>From</i> "<span class="smcap">Under the Sun</span>," <i>by permission of</i>
+<span class="smcap">Messrs. Vizetelly &amp; Co.</span>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="THE_SORROWS_OF_WERTHER" id="THE_SORROWS_OF_WERTHER"></a>THE SORROWS OF WERTHER.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">W. M. Thackeray.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Werther had a love for Charlotte<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Such as words could never utter;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Would you know how first he met her<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">She was cutting bread and butter.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Charlotte was a married lady,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And a moral man was Werther,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And for all the wealth of Indies<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Would do nothing for to hurt her.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">So he sighed, and pined, and ogled,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And his passion boiled, and bubbled,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Till he blew his silly brains out,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And no more was by it troubled.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Charlotte having seen his body<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Borne before her on a shutter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like a well-conducted person,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Went on cutting bread and butter.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="MORAL_MUSIC" id="MORAL_MUSIC"></a>MORAL MUSIC.</h2>
+
+<h3>(<span class="smcap">By An Experimenter.</span>)</h3>
+
+<p>I am in a humble sphere of life&mdash;a hairdresser's assistant, in fact; but
+I have a thirst for improving my mind, and regularly attend the evening
+classes at our institute. It was there I read in a magazine about morals
+and music. The writer discussed the question whether music by itself,
+unpolluted by words, had any "mental significance or moral power." I
+left off reading, rather puzzled, but I am of a practical turn of mind.
+I joined our bricklaying class at the institute last term, and, although
+I nip my fingers a good deal, still it has made me inclined to put all
+new truths to the test of experiment. So I determined to experiment on
+myself, and see what mental significance and moral power music
+possessed, if any. I regulated my life very carefully during the trial,
+so that no outside influence should spoil the result. I weighed and
+measured out my food and drink, abstained from pickles and sensation
+literature, denied myself the exciting pleasure of Jemima's company on
+Thursday and Sunday, and, to counterbalance the language of some of our
+ruder customers, and to give morals an even chance, I slept with a tract
+under my pillow. I started with a quite unprejudiced mind, for the
+attention I had paid to music before was mostly measured by the loudness
+of it. I took a seat at St. James's Hall in good time, and opened my
+mind and morals for impressions. First of all, a man came on the
+platform and began, as far as I could see, to tune the piano. I thought
+he ought to have done this before the advertised time of opening, but
+when he got off the stool, the people all began to applaud him, and on
+inquiring, I found that the man I had taken for the tuner was really the
+giver of the concert, and that he had been playing one of his own
+compositions. So I lost this experiment altogether. However, soon after
+the player returned with a violinist, and they started a duet. I set my
+teeth. If there was any significance or moral in a violin and piano
+mixed, I determined to have it. I had first fleeting visions before my
+mind of all the creatures I had ever seen in pain. There was the squeak
+of a rat caught in a trap; there was the same sort of shriek Jemima gave
+when I took her to have a tooth out; and there was the loud wail which
+accompanies the conversion of pig into pork. But this was only the first
+chapter. The players stopped, and began again; and the next chapter
+plunged me among the industrial arts. Under the influence of the magic
+instruments I saw the foundation of England's greatness. There was an
+athletic carpenter industriously sawing wood. There was a grindstone
+putting an edge<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> on an axe. There were a number of whirrs, which brought
+back vividly a loom I had seen at work at an exhibition, and there was a
+rather asthmatic smith striking his anvil and coughing between every
+blow.</p>
+
+<p>But this was not all. They began a third chapter, and I was immediately
+among lolly-pops. All the nicest things I had ever tasted stood before
+me in a row. There was a pot full of apricot jam; there was some roast
+beef gravy, than which, taken on the knife, I know nothing more
+toothsome; there was a sixpenny strawberry ice, and a nice cut of lamb
+and mint sauce to finish up with. I was sorry when they left off, but
+glad to find I was on the trace of a moral. The piece was evidently a
+musical embodiment of a clean shave: the first part was the misery of
+laying your head back and having your nose tweaked; the second was the
+being scraped; and the last was the happy moment when you stretch your
+limbs, pass your satisfied hand over your smooth chin, and nod to
+yourself complacently in the glass. The moral was obvious; that it is a
+duty to get shaved, and not to shave yourself, but to go to the
+professional man. My next experiment was to hear a young lady sing. She
+came on the platform, looking lovely, and she had on a sash and a dress
+improver that I never saw equalled for elegance. My hopes rose at the
+sight of her. I felt sure that so much beauty could not be otherwise
+than moral. "Oh, do be moral! do be moral!" I kept saying to myself, as
+the accompanist opened fire on her song. A dreadful thought then arose:
+the words of her song would taint the experiment, which was to be on
+music alone. But, to my delight, I could not catch a word of what she
+sang. It was all pure music. Her sweet song suggested to me as follows:
+I first saw her running up stairs and down again as fast as ever she
+could, and then she sat down on the mat to rest, while the piano panted.
+Then she drew out from somewhere one long, straight note, thick in the
+middle and tapering off at each end, so seductive that I fancied myself
+a storm-tossed mariner listening to a mermaid. I could almost feel the
+waves of the Margate boat gurgle around me. Then she drew a jug of hot
+water out of the boiler&mdash;at least, that was its intellectual
+significance to me, because the note went steadily rising upwards, with
+little splashes in between, just like the sound of the water when I draw
+a jug to shave a customer. Then she ran upstairs again like lightning,
+and disappeared through the tiles, while the pianist banged the front
+door to. I am sure there was a splendid moral to all this, for she
+looked so beautiful and smiled so sweetly; but I am undecided whether
+the moral was that I was to sign the pledge, or that I was not to go to
+concerts without Jemima as a safeguard.</p>
+
+<p>I next gave myself up bodily to what they called a "concerto." When I
+saw several gentlemen come on to the platform, with a variety of
+instruments, I thought it would be a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> more serious experiment than the
+others, and so it proved. I kept my eyes on them when they first began,
+but they looked so comical&mdash;one with his cheeks blown out, another with
+his hair as if it had just been machined, another trying to get his arm
+round his fiddle's waist, and another jerking his eyes out of his
+head&mdash;that I felt it was not giving the music a fair chance, so I shut
+my own eyes tight. As soon as I had done so there was no end of
+intellectual significance. I was in a pleasure van just starting for
+Hampton Court, with Jemima. There was the jog trot of the horses, and
+every now and then the skid put on; there was laughter and the puffing
+of pipes, and occasionally a loud roar, as we crossed a big
+thoroughfare. We soon got into the country and heard the birds chirping,
+and there was a sweet gurgling sound, which intimated to me that the men
+on the box had broached the four-gallon cask. I was just getting ready
+for a glass, when all at once the whole scene vanished. The music had
+stopped, and when it began again things were much altered for the worse.
+With the first note I felt a shudder go down my vitals. Something was
+coming, I did not know what. I felt just like being woke up in
+bed by a strange noise, and no matches handy, and my razors open to
+everybody on the table. Then I heard the bass fiddle say distinctly,
+"Prepare to meet your doom" several times over, while the violins tried
+to sneer at me, and the piano rattled chains in the corner. This was
+very trying, but worse was to follow. There were faint cries and sobs
+from the next room, as though murder was going on; there were long
+silences which were worse to bear than any sound; then someone began to
+work softly at the door with a centre bit, and there were rumblings as
+though someone else was letting himself down the chimney. I fancied I
+could almost see his leg. Then there was another hush, and thank heaven,
+I could tell by the hand-clapping that that part was over. It was about
+time, for the mental significance had got quite over-powering. There was
+then a total change. The music took me back in a second to the last ball
+I had been to&mdash;the eighteen-penny one, refreshments extra. I was dancing
+all the dances at once, and all the girls were making up to me, and it
+only made Jemima smile. That was a really delightful mental
+significance, and I could have done with more of it. But I doubt whether
+the concerto on the whole was moral. I am sure that ice down the back
+cannot be good for anyone, nor can I see, in cool moments, that raising
+the animal spirits so many degrees above proof is proper. I have not yet
+concluded my experiments. I have still to try the effects of a cornet
+solo; and the flute, as well as the concertina, the bones, and the
+banjo. But I have no doubt that if more people would try my plan, and
+honestly state the results, we should in time get at the truth of this
+matter of moral music.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>From the</i> "<span class="smcap">Evening Standard</span>.")</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="BILLY_DUMPS_THE_TAILOR" id="BILLY_DUMPS_THE_TAILOR"></a>BILLY DUMPS, THE TAILOR.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Charles Clark.</span></h3>
+
+<p>Billy Dumps was very fond of spending his evenings with his two cronies,
+Natty Dyer, a shoemaker, and Neddy Tueson, an umbrella mender, at the
+"Cunning Cat," just round the corner. This worthy trio seldom left their
+favourite haunt before closing time, much to the disgust of their
+respective helpmates, Mrs. Dumps in particular.</p>
+
+<p>Billy Dumps was a tailor, working as <i>he</i> termed it on his own hook. As
+his prices were moderate, and his work durable, he earned a pretty good
+living, making and mending for his neighbours, chiefly of the dock
+labouring class; but his nightly orgies at the "Cunning Cat" made sad
+inroads into his hard earnings, which tended much to sour Betsy's
+otherwise naturally good temper.</p>
+
+<p>The climax was reached one eventful evening, on the occasion of a
+Free-and-Easy being held at the old quarters, after which, Billy, for
+prudential reasons, was escorted home at midnight by his two associates,
+all fully bent on informing the sleeping neighbourhood at the top of
+their voices that they were "jolly good fellows," supplemented by a
+further assertion of, "and so say all of us!" Finishing up by depositing
+the confiding tailor at full length in his own front passage, through
+the door being inadvertently left ajar, where he laid and snored in
+blissful ignorance of the trials and troubles of this life until rather
+rudely awakened, and then somewhat briskly assisted upstairs, by Betsy
+and a broom handle.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Mister Billy Dumps, I am tired of sitting up for you night after
+night, and mean to do so no longer. So if you are not in when our clock
+strikes ten, I locks the door and you finds other lodgings," exclaimed
+Betsy his wife, on the morning after the Free-and-Easy.</p>
+
+<p>Tailor Dumps felt small after the previous night's dissipation, and
+determined to get home earlier and sober that evening. But under the
+influence of the soothing pipe, the nut-brown ale, and the merry laugh
+and jest of his boon companions, he was induced to forget his late
+resolution, and to prolong his stay at the "Cunning Cat" until aroused
+to the fact that it was ten o'clock and closing-time. On reaching home,
+all was still and dark. Strange! he went round to the back door and
+thumped loudly. The bed-room casement flew open with a bang, from which
+instantly protruded the night-capped head of the wife of his bosom.
+Billy at once tried the high hand, shouting, "Now then, sleepy, what's
+yer game? Be spry and open sharp!"</p>
+
+<p>No. She wasn't going to be spry, neither was she sleepy; and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> as to her
+little game&mdash;she had locked him out according to promise, so didn't
+intend unlocking again that night. Not if she knew it. Oh no!</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Betsy, don't be a fool, you'll repent it," he urged.</p>
+
+<p><i>She</i> wasn't a fool, she answered. In her opinion, he was the biggest
+fool to be hammering and shivering outside at that time of night, when
+he might have been comfortably lying in a warm bed hours ago. As for
+repentance&mdash;she thought that would be more on his side of the door, for
+she felt comfortable&mdash;very.</p>
+
+<p>Billy fumed and stormed, and fully felt the ridiculousness of his
+position, especially as he heard sounds of the neighbouring casements
+stealthily unclose, and suppressed indications of merriment issuing
+therefrom. But Billy stormed to no purpose. Betsy coolly recommended him
+to go back where he had spent such a pleasant evening. She was sure Mrs.
+Mudge, the landlady, would be only too pleased to accommodate him with a
+lodging. If she wasn't, she ought to be, considering the time and money
+he spent in her house.</p>
+
+<p>But Billy had his own ideas of that arrangement, so still lingered,
+determined to try another tack. He promised amendment, but Betsy was
+sceptical. He appealed to her feelings. "Let me in, Betsy, for I am
+cold!" That she could not help; as he had made his bed so he must lie.
+He then became affectionate. "Oh Betsy, you are unkind: remember old
+times, remember our wedding-day!" he pleaded, thinking to touch her that
+way. But Betsy was not going to be had by soft sawder, for she promptly
+rejoined, "Remember our wedding-day, you drunken sot? <i>I do</i> to my
+sorrow, no fear of my forgetting that great mistake. But, as I told you
+before, into this house this blessed night you do not step. No, not if
+you were to go on your knees and beg for it!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, Betsy. You'll be sorry for this when too late. I'm determined to
+end my misery. I'll jump down the well and drown myself. And you'll be
+the cause of it!" whined Billy.</p>
+
+<p>The night was dark. Betsy felt a little relenting as she heard her
+husband groping about in the wood shed. Then she could dimly discern him
+making for the well; plainly hear the creaking of the hinges and the lid
+thrown back with a thud. Then came the cry of "Good bye, Betsy, I'm
+gone!" The dull sound of a heavy body plunging into the water&mdash;a gasping
+moan, and all was still.</p>
+
+<p>Betsy's old affection for her erring husband at once returned with
+tenfold force, for she raced downstairs, rushing into the darkness,
+shrieking for help.</p>
+
+<p>The neighbours were aroused. Men and women tumbled out of their back
+doors in such scanty dishabille that would have charmed a sculptor.
+Betsy, still screeching like a bagpipe, had to be forcibly restrained
+from jumping to the rescue by the bystanders.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Dick Ward, the blacksmith, thrust the bucket-pole into the well, singing
+out, "Lay hold, Billy, if ye ain't too fur gone!"</p>
+
+<p>"I can feel un," shouted Dick, as the pole struck some hard substance
+with a sounding smack.</p>
+
+<p>"My eye, Dick! he'll feel you too, if that's Billy's head you tapped,"
+said Nat; "it 'ud be one for his nob and no mistake."</p>
+
+<p>They caught a glimpse, by the uncertain light of a flaming candle, of a
+something floating low on the surface of the water.</p>
+
+<p>"His head feels as hard as a koker nut," said Dick, as the pole rattled
+on the dark object.</p>
+
+<p>"Why it seems off his shoulders, for it goes bobbing up and down like a
+dumplin in a soup-kettle!"</p>
+
+<p>Just then, to the astonishment of all, the well known voice of Billy
+Dumps was heard from the identical bed-room window that his wife had so
+lately vacated, shouting, "Hullo, you people. What the deuce are ye
+making such a rumpas for?"</p>
+
+<p>"A ghost! A ghost!" was the cry.</p>
+
+<p>"No fear," laughed the tailor. "But, Dick, as you have the pole in hand,
+I should feel obliged if you'd fish up my chopping-block which I dropped
+in there awhile ago!"</p>
+
+<p>Betsy Dumps at the sound of her husband's voice, made for the door, but
+found it fastened. "Let me in! Let me in! I am so glad you are safe!"
+she joyously exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"Not if I know it, Betsy. It's my turn now. <i>Into this house this
+blessed night you do not step. No, not if you were to go on your knees
+and beg for it!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>A loud laugh broke from the crowd, as the joke dawned on them. Betsy was
+being paid back in her own coin. The neighbourhood had been sold. The
+crafty tailor had secured the chopping-block from the wood shed, and
+popped it down the well as his substitute, then, in the darkness and
+confusion slipped back into the house unseen. Betsy, having been
+accommodated for the night by a friendly neighbour, the crowd dispersed,
+highly amused at the adventure. Early the next morning, Mrs. Dumps on
+returning home was surprised to find her husband up, a cheerful fire
+burning, and the breakfast ready. Taking her hand he gave her a hearty
+kiss, with this greeting, "Dear old woman, let bygones be bygones!" And
+they were, too; for from that time the "Cunning Cat" knew him no more.
+It struck him strongly that his wife's true affection shown in the hour
+of his supposed great danger was too precious to trifle with; as a proof
+that he kept his word, let it be added that anyone visiting that large
+thriving tailoring establishment in the High Street, would hardly
+recognise in the respectable dapper proprietor, Mr. William Dumps, the
+once drunken tailor so long a nightly nuisance to the neighbourhood.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="ON_PUNNING" id="ON_PUNNING"></a>ON PUNNING.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My little dears who learn to read, pray early learn to shun<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That very silly thing indeed, which people call a pun.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found, how simple an offence<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It is to make the self-same sound afford a double sense.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">For instance, <i>ale</i> may make you <i>ail</i>, your <i>aunt</i> an <i>ant</i> may kill,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You in a <i>vale</i> may buy a <i>veil</i> and <i>Bill</i> may pay the <i>bill</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or, if to France your bark may steer, at Dover it may be,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A <i>peer</i> appears upon the <i>pier</i>, who, blind, still goes to <i>sea</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Thus, one might say, when to a treat good friends accept our greeting,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis <i>meet</i> that men who <i>meet</i> to eat should eat their <i>meat</i> when <i>meeting</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Brawn on the <i>board's</i> no bore indeed although from <i>boar</i> prepared;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor can the <i>fowl</i>, on which we feed, <i>foul</i> feeding he declared.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Thus, one ripe fruit may be a <i>pear</i>, and yet be <i>pared</i> again,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And still no <i>one</i>, which seemeth rare until we do explain.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It therefore should be all your aim to spell with ample care;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For who, however fond of <i>game</i>, would choose to swallow <i>hair</i>?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">A fat man's <i>gait</i> may make us smile, who has no <i>gate</i> to close;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The farmer, sitting on his <i>stile</i> no <i>sty</i>lish person knows.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Perfumers, men of <i>scents</i> must be, some <i>Scilly</i> men are bright;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A <i>brown</i> man oft <i>deep read</i> we see, a <i>black</i> a wicked <i>wight</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Most wealthy men good <i>manors</i> have, however vulgar they;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And actors still the harder slave the oftener they <i>play</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So poets can't the <i>baize</i> obtain, unless their tailors choose;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While grooms and coachmen not in vain each evening seek the <i>Mews</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The <i>dyer</i>, who by <i>dying</i> lives, a <i>dire</i> life maintains;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The glazier, it is known, receives his profits for his <i>panes</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By gardeners <i>thyme</i> is tied, 'tis true, when spring is in its prime;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But <i>time</i> and <i>tide</i> won't wait for you if you are <i>tied</i> for <i>time</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Thus now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The fault admits of no defence, for wheresoe'er 'tis found,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You sacrifice the <i>sound</i> for <i>sense</i>; the <i>sense</i> is never <i>sound</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">So let your words and actions, too, one single meaning prove,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In mirth and play no harm you'll know when duty's task is done;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But parents ne'er should let ye go un<i>pun</i>ished for a <span class="smcap">Pun</span>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 80%;" />
+<h2><a name="SEASIDE_LODGINGS" id="SEASIDE_LODGINGS"></a>SEASIDE LODGINGS.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Percy Reeve.</span></h3>
+
+<p>"Oh!" said Georgina Honeybee one afternoon, just before Good Friday,
+"<i>wouldn't</i> it be nice to go away for Easter?"</p>
+
+<p>Now it so happened, that the notion was by no means displeasing to Mr.
+Honeybee. He longed for a change; the thought of sea-breezes enchanted
+him. He felt worried with work, and yearned to hie him away somewhere
+without leaving his address behind him. So it fell out that, almost for
+the first time in his married existence, he agreed to his wife's
+proposition without demur&mdash;and long before a week was over, he never
+regretted anything so much in all his life.</p>
+
+<p>With husband and wife of one mind (for a wonder), the preliminaries were
+speedily arranged. Swineleigh-on-Sea was selected as their destination.
+In less time than it takes to tell, Georgina was bustling about the
+house, giving parting instructions to the servants as to what they were
+to do during her absence (one would have thought she was going away for
+a year at least). Fanny (Mrs. Honeybee's maid, if you please) was
+packing-up her mistress's luggage, while John was being abused by his
+master for having no more idea than a child of how to fill a
+portmanteau. Everybody was hot and flurried, and the hall-door bell rang
+four times before it received the attention to which it was accustomed.</p>
+
+<p>Honeybee stood in his shirt-sleeves, and in his dressing-room, while his
+perspiring and nervous man endeavoured to put boots on the top of clean
+shirts. Georgina flitted about her bedroom, saying&mdash;"Yes; thank you; if
+you'll put in my tea-gown. Yes; thank you&mdash;now the linen. Yes; thank
+you&mdash;no, I shouldn't lay the sponge-bag on the top of my handkerchief
+case. Yes; thank you&mdash;now the braided dress;" and sundry pretty babble
+of that kind.</p>
+
+<p>At length everything was ready. A four-wheeled cab was called, and Mr.
+Honeybee, Georgina, and Fanny the maid, were soon driving across London
+to the railway-station. Their<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> tickets got, the trio proceeded without
+adventure to Swineleigh, where, when she emerged from the slightly
+inferior class in which she had travelled, Fanny remarked to her
+mistress:</p>
+
+<p>"This don't seem half a bad sort of place, mum."</p>
+
+<p>Honeybee was beaming. His face seemed to say: "Ah! I tell you, when I
+<i>do</i> take it into my head to go out for a holiday with my wife and her
+maid, I go to the right place, and I have things done properly." Poor
+man&mdash;he little knew.</p>
+
+<p>Swineleigh is, fortunately, not a large place, or its death rate would
+have more influence on the mortality statistics; but it is quite large
+enough to be unpleasant, and to make those who have once visited it
+swear they will never do so again. Honeybee had heard it was cheap from
+a gentleman friend, and Georgina had gathered from a lady acquaintance
+that it was quiet and respectable&mdash;hence the praiseworthy unanimity
+which had characterised their selection of this spot for the enjoyment
+of an Easter holiday. They had meant to put up at the Marine Hotel, but
+when they reached that modest edifice they found that all the rooms were
+engaged, excepting a couple of dog-holes somewhere near the roof, which,
+from their description, our party did not care to inspect. Honeybee was,
+however, directed to some lodgings which sounded as if they might suit,
+and with a crack of the whip, and a curse from the flyman, who had
+conveyed them thus far, the party started off on a fresh tack. When they
+reached Cronstadt Villa&mdash;for it was hither they were referred&mdash;Mr.
+Honeybee opened fire as follows upon the landlady who opened the door:</p>
+
+<p>"We come from the Marine Hotel. Can we have a large bed-room, a small
+bed-room, a dressing-room and a sitting-room?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," replied the landlady, somewhat reflectively, as if she felt
+inclined to add, "But what you mean by such impertinence I am at a loss
+to inquire."</p>
+
+<p>"Good!" rejoined Honeybee. "Will you have our luggage sent up as soon as
+may be? And we should like dinner pretty soon, as we have not had much
+lunch."</p>
+
+<p>"Come inside, please," said the landlady, grandly, to the trio in
+general. Then elbowing Fanny out of the way, she said to Mrs. Honeybee
+particularly: "Would you like to see your room?"</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you very much," returned Georgina, "I should."</p>
+
+<p>Then the newly-made friends walked upstairs together, leaving Honeybee
+and Fanny to get the luggage up, and to fight the flyman. Mercifully, a
+loafer turned up and volunteered to carry the boxes. Mr. Honeybee only
+paid the flyman three times his fare, but escaped without loss of blood.
+It is true the driver thought proper to curse him to the nethermost
+depths of hell, but what are you to do in a place like Swineleigh, where
+you might as well look for the Pope as for a policeman?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>At last the baggage was stowed in the different rooms indicated by the
+landlady. Fanny could not help smiling when the loafer set down
+Honeybee's portmanteau with a plump on her bed; and Georgina could not
+help saying "Oh!" when Fanny's box was hauled into <i>her</i> room; but these
+little mistakes were soon rectified, and the loafer being evidently one
+of nature's noblemen, withdrew without further parley when he had
+received all the loose silver there was in the house. The landlady had
+not any change.</p>
+
+<p>"Now then," said Honeybee, when the door was fairly shut, "when can we
+have dinner, and of what will it consist?"</p>
+
+<p>"Dinner!" repeated the landlady, as if recalling by an effort the
+meaning of a word once familiar. "Have you not dined?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not to-day," replied Honeybee, jocosely; "but we do not want
+much&mdash;anything will do. How about a fried sole and a roast chicken?"</p>
+
+<p>It was now seven o'clock, and the landlady verified the fact by
+reference to a silver watch, which she plucked with a jerk from her
+waistband.</p>
+
+<p>"Shops are all closed now," she said, as it seemed, with some relief. "I
+might get you a steak, or a couple of chops."</p>
+
+<p>"If you will add bread and butter, the use of the cruets, and perchance
+some cheese or jam," suggested Honeybee in his most caressing tones,
+while his wife endeavoured vainly to prevent him treading upon what she
+knew was volcanic ground, "I'm sure we could manage for to-night."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you'll have to," replied the landlady, in a surly voice, and then
+she rang the bell in the room, which was to be the Honeybee's dining,
+drawing, and smoking room for a week. To this summons a most horrible
+"maid" responded, and to her were consigned Georgina and her spouse. The
+landlady never was seen again until she came eventually to present the
+bill; but her voice was frequently heard. Honeybee's good-nature by this
+time was giving out; but he controlled himself.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you," said he, "get us some food ready as soon as you can? We
+would like a beef-steak. Will half-past seven be too early?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir," replied the maid, in a far-off voice; and she left the room.</p>
+
+<p>"Now," said Honeybee, "Georgina, my dearest, you must be tired. Come
+upstairs and change your dress; Fanny will get you hot water and see to
+you. I will just wash my hands and then take a short stroll. Come
+along."</p>
+
+<p>When they reached the bedroom they found Fanny in a great undertaking.
+Having unpacked Georgina's trunk, and littered the floor with dresses
+and parcels, she was about to arrange the different articles in the
+chest of drawers, when she found them all locked up.</p>
+
+<p>"This is absurd," said Honeybee; and he rang the bell.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> After a very
+long time the horrible maid appeared, and when asked why all the drawers
+were looked, replied, with a wild-eyed expression of face, that she
+supposed "missus's things was there." Desired to ask missus to remove
+them, or to provide other accommodation for her tenants, the wild-eyed
+one remarked that she "dursen't do it."</p>
+
+<p>Georgina, always trying to soothe troubled waters, observed, "Never
+mind; we shall get straight to-morrow somehow. I'm so tired; it does not
+matter for to-night. Only unpack what I absolutely want, Fanny; and you,
+dear," to her husband, "go and have a nice stroll, but be back by
+half-past seven, as I'm famishing."</p>
+
+<p>So enjoined, Honeybee kissed his wife, and withdrew.</p>
+
+<p>A cursory inspection of the contents of his portmanteau soon convinced
+him that John had omitted to put in a good many useful articles; and as
+Mr. Honeybee made a hasty toilette, he was pained to observe that he had
+brought with him an odd coat and waistcoat. Even this might have been
+borne, if the bottle containing his boot-varnish had not broken over his
+shirts; and with a heavy heart he sallied forth into the town to buy a
+tooth-brush.</p>
+
+<p>Having made his purchase, and also ordered some wine, he returned to the
+lodgings, where he found his wife waiting in the sitting-room warming
+her feet, while the maid laid the table. About five minutes to eight
+"dinner" was served. It consisted of a beef-steak that was raw, except
+in those parts which had been burnt to a cinder; some potatoes which
+were very black under the eyes, and extremely hard, were also served;
+and some of last week's bread, together with some pale butterine,
+completed the repast. The Honeybees endeavoured to eat a few mouthfuls,
+washed down with cold and not particularly pure water. Although the wine
+merchant had assured Honeybee that the rare vintage he had ordered would
+be "there before he was," the young man did not arrive with the bottles
+until the next morning.</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps the night is too inclement for him to venture out," said
+Honeybee; "or perhaps he reflects that we shall drink coffee with our
+dinner, and only require wine at breakfast time."</p>
+
+<p>After dinner the Honeybees had a game of cribbage, but they
+did not enjoy it, and soon Georgina went up to bed. Honeybee
+left her with Fanny, and then came downstairs again to smoke.
+He rang the bell and asked the maid if he could have a bottle
+of soda-water.</p>
+
+<p>"The public 'ouses is all closed now," said she, as if repeating a
+lesson.</p>
+
+<p>"Then some plain water please," returned Honeybee dolefully.</p>
+
+<p>"You'll find some in your bedroom," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>With a heavy heart Honeybee went upstairs and took a long<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> and strong
+drink of brandy from his flask, diluted from the bottle on his
+wash-stand. A fearful night it was&mdash;the miserable couple passed it in
+fear and trembling. Outside the wind howled and made the ill-fitting
+windows rattle continuously. Within the blinds refused to draw down, and
+the feather bed was so meagrely filled with feathers that when sleep
+began to steal upon Honeybee, he awoke to find himself with his hip-bone
+grating against the iron frame of the bedstead. The draught came in
+under the door with some force. This was not surprising when one came to
+examine the distance between it and the floor. The interval seemed
+contrived so as to admit of the carpet being drawn out of the room
+without opening the door.</p>
+
+<p>Bruised and weary, the Honeybees rose next morning. It was raining very
+hard, as it had been all night. For breakfast they had some fried eggs
+and bacon. The eggs would have been all right if they had been warmed
+through; but Honeybee said raw egg was good for the voice. The bacon
+would have brought its own punishment to the Jew wicked enough to
+indulge in it. They read novels most of the morning. Georgina and Fanny
+were occasionally in consultation as to some proposed alterations to a
+dress. Honeybee looked out of the window like a caged lion.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, Heavens! but why should I follow further the agonies of these
+wretched people. Indeed, I shrink from recording the sickening details
+of their week's stay. The disgusting round of impertinence,
+uncleanliness, stupidity, and brutality to which they were subjected is
+too odious to recount. Suffice it to say that never had Waterloo Villa
+looked so fair as when the Honeybees returned to it after their
+"holiday," and Georgina literally danced round the bright clean
+dining-room table laid ready for dinner, while Honeybee threw himself
+groaning on to his bed, where he lay till aroused by the rattle of
+plates and dishes. My goodness, how he did eat! And how Georgina beamed!</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">(<i>By permission of the Author.</i>)</p>
+
+
+<h4>THE END.</h4>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h5>BRADBURY, AGNEW, &amp; CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.</h5>
+
+<hr style="width: 25%;" />
+<div class="notebox">
+<p><b>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE:</b> Obvious misprints and punctuation errors have been silently corrected.</p>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Humorous Readings and Recitations, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMOROUS READINGS AND RECITATIONS ***
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Humorous Readings and Recitations, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Humorous Readings and Recitations
+       In prose and verse
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Leopold Wagner
+
+Release Date: July 18, 2011 [EBook #36775]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMOROUS READINGS AND RECITATIONS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  HUMOROUS READINGS
+  AND
+  RECITATIONS.
+
+
+
+  HUMOROUS READINGS
+  AND
+  RECITATIONS
+
+  _IN PROSE AND VERSE_.
+
+
+  SELECTED AND EDITED
+
+  BY
+  LEOPOLD WAGNER,
+
+  EDITOR OF
+  "MODERN READINGS AND RECITATIONS,"
+  "NEW READINGS FROM AMERICAN AUTHORS," ETC.
+
+
+  London and New York:
+  FREDERICK  WARNE  AND  CO.
+  1889.
+
+
+
+  LONDON:
+  BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+In introducing to the public a Third Series of "Popular Readings," I
+consider it merely necessary to state that the courtesy of authors and
+publishers has enabled me to bring together a choice selection of
+humorous pieces which have acquired a large share of popularity, in
+addition to a number of others that may justly be regarded as novelties.
+
+Concerning the former, I have so often had occasion to answer inquiries
+respecting particular pieces for recitation, that it occurred to me the
+handy collection of those most generally sought after, but hitherto
+scattered through various publications, would be welcomed by many; and I
+took steps accordingly. How far I have succeeded in my purpose a glance
+at the Contents-list will show. For the fresh matter admitted to these
+pages, I sincerely trust that from among so many new candidates for
+popularity, at least one or two of them may be elected to represent the
+Penny Reading Constituents of each respective Borough for some time to
+come.
+
+Once more I beg to express my indebtedness and thanks to those authors
+and publishers who have so generously placed their copyright pieces at
+my disposal.
+
+                                                               L. W.
+
+BROMPTON.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+                                                                 PAGE
+
+  ACCOMPANIED ON THE FLUTE             _F. Anstey_                  1
+  THE TROUBLES OF A TRIPLET            _W. Beatty-Kingston_         8
+  SLIGHTLY DEAF                        _Bracebridge Hemming_       10
+  THE LADY FREEMASON                   _H. T. Craven_              18
+  WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!            _F. B. Harrison_            24
+  THE FATAL LEGS                       _Walter Browne_             27
+  THE CALIPH'S JESTER                  _From the Arabic_           29
+  A JOURNEY IN SEARCH OF NOTHING       _Wilkie Collins_            32
+  GEMINI AND VIRGO                     _C. S. Calverley_           37
+  KING BIBBS                           _James Albery_              41
+  MOLLY MULDOON                        _Anonymous_                 48
+  THE HARMONIOUS LOBSTERS              _Robert Reece_              52
+  THE PROVINCIAL LANDLADY              _H. Chance Newton_          57
+  MY MATRIMONIAL PREDICAMENT           _Leopold Wagner_            58
+  ETIQUETTE                            _W. S. Gilbert_             62
+  A LOST SHEPHERD                      _Frank Barrett_             65
+  A MATHEMATIC MADNESS                 _F. P. Dempster_            70
+  WAITING AT TOTTLEPOT                 _J. Ashby-Sterry_           72
+  MARRIED TO A GIANTESS                _Walter Parke_              75
+  THE VISION OF THE ALDERMAN           _Henry S. Leigh_            79
+  THE DEMON SNUFFERS                   _Geo. Manville Fenn_        80
+  THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER         _Lewis Carroll_             86
+  MY BROTHER HENRY                     _J. M. Barrie_              89
+  A NIGHT WITH A STORK                 _W. E. Wilcox_              92
+  THE FAITHFUL LOVERS                  _F. C. Burnand_             95
+  THE WAIL OF A BANNER-BEARER          _Arthur Matthison_          96
+  THE DREAM OF THE BILIOUS BEADLE      _Arthur Shirley_            99
+  MY FRIEND TREACLE                    _Watkin-Elliott_           101
+  THE VOICE OF THE SLUGGARD            _Anonymous_                107
+  ARTEMUS WARD'S VISIT TO THE TOWER
+        OF LONDON                      _Chas. Farrar Browne_      108
+  MR. CAUDLE HAS LENT AN ACQUAINTANCE
+        THE FAMILY UMBRELLA            _Douglas Jerrold_          111
+  DOMESTIC ASIDES                      _Tom Hood_                 113
+  THE CHARITY DINNER                   _Litchfield Moseley_       115
+  ACTING WITH A VENGEANCE              _W. Sapte, Jun._           120
+  MY FORTNIGHT AT WRETCHEDVILLE        _George Augustus Sala_     126
+  THE SORROWS OF WERTHER               _W. M. Thackeray_          132
+  MORAL MUSIC                          _Anonymous_                133
+  BILLY DUMPS, THE TAILOR              _Charles Clark_            136
+  ON PUNNING                           _Theodore Hook_            139
+  SEASIDE LODGINGS                     _Percy Reeve_              140
+
+
+
+
+HUMOROUS READINGS
+
+AND
+
+RECITATIONS.
+
+
+
+
+ACCOMPANIED ON THE FLUTE.
+
+F. ANSTEY.
+
+
+The Consul Duilius was entertaining Rome in triumph after his celebrated
+defeat of the Carthaginian fleet at Mylae. He had won a great naval
+victory for his country with the first fleet that it had ever
+possessed--which was naturally a gratifying reflection, and he would
+have been perfectly happy now if he had only been a little more
+comfortable.
+
+But he was standing in an extremely rickety chariot, which was crammed
+with his nearer relations, and a few old friends, to whom he had been
+obliged to send tickets. At his back stood a slave, who held a heavy
+Etruscan crown on the Consul's head, and whenever he thought his master
+was growing conceited, threw in the reminder that he was only a man
+after all--a liberty which at any other time he might have had good
+reason to regret.
+
+Then the large Delphic wreath, which Duilius wore as well as the crown,
+had slipped down over one eye, and was tickling his nose, while (as both
+his hands were occupied, one with a sceptre the other with a laurel
+bough, and he had to hold on tightly to the rail of the chariot whenever
+it jolted) there was nothing to do but suffer in silence.
+
+They had insisted, too, upon painting him a beautiful bright red all
+over, and though it made him look quite new, and very shining and
+splendid, he had his doubts at times whether it was altogether becoming,
+and particularly whether he would ever be able to get it off again.
+
+But these were but trifles after all, and nothing compared with the
+honour and glory of it! Was not everybody straining to get a glimpse of
+him? Did not even the spotted and skittish horses which drew the
+chariot repeatedly turn round to gaze upon his vermilioned features? As
+Duilius remarked this he felt that he was, indeed, the central personage
+in all this magnificence, and that, on the whole, he liked it.
+
+He could see the beaks of the ships he had captured bobbing up and down
+in the middle distance; he could see the white bulls destined for
+sacrifice entering completely into the spirit of the thing, and
+redeeming the procession from any monotony by occasionally bolting down
+a back street, or tossing on their gilded horns some of the flamens who
+were walking solemnly in front of them.
+
+He could hear, too, above five distinct brass bands, the remarks of his
+friends as they predicted rain, or expressed a pained surprise at the
+smallness of the crowd and the absence of any genuine enthusiasm; and he
+caught the general purport of the very offensive ribaldry circulated at
+his own expense among the brave legions that brought up the rear.
+
+This was merely the usual course of things on such occasions, and a
+great compliment when properly understood, and Duilius felt it to be so.
+In spite of his friends, the red paint, and the familiar slave, in spite
+of the extreme heat of the weather and his itching nose, he told himself
+that this, and this alone, was worth living for.
+
+And it was a painful reflection to him that, after all, it would only
+last a day; he could not go on triumphing like this for the remainder of
+his natural life--he would not be able to afford it on his moderate
+income; and yet--and yet--existence would fall woefully flat after so
+much excitement.
+
+It may be supposed that Duilius was naturally fond of ostentation and
+notoriety, but this was far from being the case; on the contrary, at
+ordinary times his disposition was retiring and almost shy, but his
+sudden success had worked a temporary change in him, and in the very
+flush of triumph he found himself sighing to think, that in all human
+probability, he would never go about with trumpeters and trophies, with
+flute-players and white oxen, any more in his whole life.
+
+And then he reached the Porta Triumphalis, where the chief magistrates
+and the Senate awaited them, all seated upon spirited Roman-nosed
+chargers, which showed a lively emotion at the approach of the
+procession, and caused most of their riders to dismount with as much
+affectation of method and design as their dignity enjoined and the
+nature of the occasion permitted.
+
+There Duilius was presented with the freedom of the city and an address,
+which last he put in his pocket, as he explained, to read at home.
+
+And then an AEdile informed him in a speech, during which he twice lost
+his notes, and had to be prompted by a lictor, that the grateful
+Republic, taking into consideration the Consul's distinguished services,
+had resolved to disregard expense, and on that auspicious day to give
+him whatever reward he might choose to demand--"in reason," the AEdile
+added cautiously, as he quitted his saddle with an unexpectedness which
+scarcely seemed intentional.
+
+Duilius was naturally a little overwhelmed by such liberality, and, like
+every one else favoured suddenly with such an opportunity, was quite
+incapable of taking complete advantage of it.
+
+For a time he really could not remember in his confusion anything he
+would care for at all, and he thought it might look mean to ask for
+money.
+
+At last he recalled his yearning for a Perpetual Triumph, but his
+natural modesty made him moderate, and he could not find courage to ask
+for more than a fraction of the glory that now attended him.
+
+So, not without some hesitation, he replied that they were exceedingly
+kind, and since they left it entirely to his discretion, he would
+like--if they had no objection--he would like a flute-player to attend
+him whenever he went out.
+
+Duilius very nearly asked for a white bull as well; but, on second
+thoughts, he felt it might lead to inconvenience, and there were many
+difficulties connected with the proper management of such an animal. The
+Consul, from what he had seen that day, felt that it would be imprudent
+to trust himself in front of the bull, while, if he walked behind, he
+might be mistaken for a cattle-driver, which would be odious. And so he
+gave up that idea, and contented himself with a simple flute-player.
+
+The Senate, visibly relieved by so unassuming a request, granted it with
+positive effusion; Duilius was invited to select his musician, and chose
+the biggest, after which the procession moved on through the arch and up
+the Capitoline Hill, while the Consul had time to remember things he
+would have liked even better than a flute-player, and to suspect dimly
+that he might have made rather an ass of himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+That night Duilius was entertained at a supper given at the public
+expense; he went out with the proud resolve to show his sense of the
+compliment paid him by scaling the giddiest heights of intoxication. The
+Romans of that day only drank wine and water at their festivals, but it
+is astonishing how inebriated a person of powerful will can become, even
+on wine and water, if he only gives his mind to it. And Duilius, being a
+man of remarkable determination, returned from that hospitable board
+particularly drunk; the flute-player saw him home, however, helped him
+to bed, though he could not induce him to take off his sandals, and
+lulled him to a heavy slumber by a selection from the popular airs of
+the time.
+
+So that the Consul, although he awoke late next day with a bad headache
+and a perception of the vanity of most things, still found reason to
+congratulate himself upon his forethought in securing so invaluable an
+attendant, and planned, rather hopefully, sundry little ways of making
+him useful about the house.
+
+As the subsequent history of this great naval commander is examined with
+the impartiality that becomes the historian, it is impossible to be
+blind to the melancholy fact that in the first flush of his elation
+Duilius behaved with an utter want of tact and taste that must have gone
+far to undermine his popularity, and proved a source of much
+gratification to his friends.
+
+He would use that flute-player everywhere--he overdid the thing
+altogether: for example, he used to go out to pay formal calls, and
+leave the flute-player in the hall tootling to such an extent that at
+last his acquaintances were forced in self-defence to deny themselves to
+him.
+
+When he attended worship at the temples, too, he would bring the
+flute-player with him, on the flimsy pretext that he could assist the
+choir during service; and it was the same at the theatres, where
+Duilius--such was his arrogance--actually would not take a box unless
+the manager admitted the flute-player to the orchestra and guaranteed
+him at least one solo between the acts.
+
+And it was the Consul's constant habit to strut about the Forum with his
+musician executing marches behind him, until the spectacle became so
+utterly ridiculous that even the Romans of that age, who were as free
+from the slightest taint of humour as a self-respecting nation can
+possibly be, began to notice something peculiar.
+
+But the day of retribution dawned at last. Duilius worked the flute so
+incessantly that the musician's stock of airs was very soon exhausted,
+and then he was naturally obliged to blow them through once more.
+
+The excellent Consul had not a fine ear, but even he began to hail the
+fiftieth repetition of "Pugnare nolumus," for instance--the great
+national peace anthem of the period--with the feeling that he had heard
+the same tune at least twice before, and preferred something slightly
+fresher, while others had taken a much shorter time in arriving at the
+same conclusion.
+
+The elder Duilius, the Consul's father, was perhaps the most annoyed by
+it; he was a nice old man in his way--the glass and china way--but he
+was a typical old Roman, with a manly contempt for pomp, vanity, music,
+and the fine arts generally, so that his son's flute-player, performing
+all day in the courtyard, drove the old gentleman nearly mad, until he
+would rush to the windows and hurl the lighter articles of furniture at
+the head of the persistent musician, who, however, after dodging them
+with dexterity, affected to treat them as a recognition of his efforts
+and carried them away gratefully to sell.
+
+Duilius senior would have smashed the flute, only it was never laid
+aside for a single instant, even at meals; he would have made the
+player drunk and incapable, but he was a member of the _Manus Spei_, and
+he would with cheerfulness have given him a heavy bribe to go away, if
+the honest fellow had not proved absolutely incorruptible.
+
+So he would only sit down and swear, and then relieve his feelings by
+giving his son a severe thrashing, with threats to sell him for whatever
+he might fetch; for, in the curious conditions of ancient Roman society,
+a father possessed both these rights, however his offspring might have
+distinguished himself in public life.
+
+Naturally, Duilius did not like the idea of being put up to auction, and
+he began to feel that it was slightly undignified for a Roman general
+who had won a naval victory and been awarded a first-class Triumph to be
+undergoing corporeal punishment daily at the hands of an unflinching
+parent, and accordingly he determined to go and expostulate with his
+flute-player.
+
+He was beginning to find him a nuisance himself, for all his old shy
+reserve and unwillingness to attract attention had returned to him; he
+was fond of solitude, and yet he could never be alone; he was weary of
+doing everything to slow music, like the bold, bad man in a melodrama.
+
+He could not even go across the street to purchase a postage-stamp
+without the flute-player coming stalking out after him, playing away
+like a public fountain; while, owing to the well-known susceptibility of
+a rabble to the charm of music, the disgusted Consul had to take his
+walks abroad at the head of Rome's choicest scum.
+
+Duilius, with a lively recollection of these inconveniences, would have
+spoken very seriously indeed to his musician, but he shrank from hurting
+his feelings by plain truth. He simply explained that he had not
+intended the other to accompany him _always_, but only on special
+occasions; and, while professing the sincerest admiration for his
+musical proficiency, he felt, as he said, unwilling to monopolise it,
+and unable to enjoy it at the expense of a fellow-creature's rest and
+comfort.
+
+Perhaps he put the thing a little too delicately to secure the object he
+had in view, for the musician, although he was deeply touched by such
+unwonted consideration, waved it aside with a graceful fervour which was
+quite irresistible.
+
+He assured the Consul that he was only too happy to have been selected
+to render his humble tribute to the naval genius of so great a
+commander; he would not admit that his own rest and comfort were in the
+least affected by his exertions, for, being naturally fond of the flute,
+he could, he protested, perform upon it continuously for whole days
+without fatigue. And he concluded by pointing out very respectfully that
+for the Consul to dispense, even to a small extent, with an honour
+decreed (at his own particular request) by the Republic, would have the
+appearance of ingratitude, and expose him to the gravest suspicions.
+After which he rendered the ancient love-chant, "Ludus idem, ludus
+vetus," with singular sweetness and expression.
+
+Duilius felt the force of his arguments. Republics are proverbially
+forgetful, and he was aware that it might not be safe even for him, to
+risk offending the Senate.
+
+So he had nothing to do but just go on, and be followed about by the
+flute-player, and castigated by his parent in the old familiar way,
+until he had very little self-respect left.
+
+At last he found a distraction in his care-laden existence--he fell
+deeply in love. But even here a musical Nemesis attended him, to his
+infinite embarrassment, in the person of his devoted follower. Sometimes
+Duilius would manage to elude him, and slip out unseen to some sylvan
+retreat, where he had reason to hope for a meeting with the object of
+his adoration. He generally found that in this expectation he had not
+deceived himself; but, always, just as he had found courage to speak of
+the passion that consumed him, a faint tune would strike his ear from
+afar, and, turning his head in a fury, he would see his faithful
+flute-player striding over the fields in pursuit of him with
+unquenchable ardour.
+
+He gave in at last, and submitted to the necessity of speaking all his
+tender speeches "through music." Claudia did not seem to mind it,
+perhaps finding an additional romance in being wooed thus; and Duilius
+himself, who was not eloquent, found that the flute came in very well at
+awkward pauses in the conversation.
+
+Then they were married, and, as Claudia played very nicely herself upon
+the _tibiae_, she got up musical evenings, when she played duets with the
+flute-player, which Duilius, if he had only had a little more taste for
+music, might have enjoyed immensely.
+
+As it was, beginning to observe for the first time that the musician was
+far from uncomely, he forbade the duets. Claudia wept and sulked, and
+Claudia's mother said that Duilius was behaving like a brute, and she
+was not to mind him; but the harmony of their domestic life was broken,
+until the poor Consul was driven to take long country walks in sheer
+despair, not because he was fond of walking, for he hated it, but simply
+to keep the flute-player out of mischief.
+
+He was now debarred from all other society, for his old friends had long
+since cut him dead whenever he chanced to meet them. "How could he
+expect people to stop and talk," they asked indignantly, "when there was
+that confounded fellow blowing tunes down the backs of their necks all
+the time?"
+
+Duilius had had enough of it himself, and felt this so strongly that one
+day he took his flute-player a long walk through a lonely wood, and,
+choosing a moment when his companion had played "Id omnes faciunt" till
+he was somewhat out of breath, he turned on him suddenly. When he left
+the lonely wood he was alone, and near it something which looked as if
+it might once have been a musician.
+
+The Consul went home, and sat there waiting for the deed to become
+generally known. He waited with a certain uneasiness, because it was
+impossible to tell how the Senate might take the thing, or the means by
+which their vengeance would declare itself.
+
+And yet his uneasiness was counterbalanced by a delicious relief: the
+State might disgrace, banish, put him to death even, but he had got rid
+of slow music for ever; and as he thought of this, the stately Duilius
+would snap his fingers and dance with secret delight.
+
+All disposition to dance, however, was forgotten upon the arrival of
+lictors bearing an official missive. He looked at it for a long time
+before he dared to break the big seal, and cut the cord which bound the
+tablets which might contain his doom.
+
+He did it at last; and smiled with relief as he began to read: for the
+decree was courteously, if not affectionately, worded. The Senate,
+considering (or affecting to consider) the disappearance of the
+flute-player a mere accident, expressed their formal regret at the
+failure of the provision made in his honour.
+
+Then, as he read on, Duilius dashed the tablets into small fragments,
+and rolled on the ground, and tore his hair, and howled; for the
+senatorial decree concluded by a declaration that, in consideration of
+his brilliant exploits, the State hereby placed at his disposal two more
+flute-players, who, it was confidently hoped, would survive the wear and
+tear of their ministrations longer than the first.
+
+Duilius retired to his room and made his will, taking care to have it
+properly signed and attested. Then he fastened himself in; and when they
+broke down the door next day they found a lifeless corpse, with a
+strange sickly smile upon its pale lips.
+
+No one in Rome quite made out the reason of this smile, but it was
+generally thought to denote the gratification of the deceased at the
+idea of leaving his beloved ones in comfort, if not in luxury; for,
+though the bulk of his fortune was left to Carthaginian charities, he
+had had the forethought to bequeath a flute-player apiece to his wife
+and mother-in-law.
+
+    (_From_ "THE BLACK POODLE," _by permission of Messrs. Longmans,
+      Green, & Co._)
+
+
+
+
+THE TROUBLES OF A TRIPLET.
+
+W. BEATTY-KINGSTON.
+
+
+  I am, I really think, the most unlucky man on earth;
+  A triple sorrow haunts me, and has done so from my birth.
+  My lot in life's a gloomy one, I think you will agree;
+  'Tis bad enough to be a twin--but I am one of three!
+
+  No sooner were we born than Pa and Ma the bounty claimed;
+  I scarce can bear to think they did--it makes me feel ashamed,
+  They got it, too, within a week, and spent it, I'll be bound,
+  Upon themselves--at least, I know I never had _my_ pound.
+
+  Our childhood's days in ignorance were lamentably spent,
+  Although I think we more than paid the taxes, and the rent;
+  For we were shown as marvels, and--unless I'm much deceived--
+  The smallest contributions were most thankfully received.
+
+  We grew up hale and hearty--would we never had been born!--
+  As like to one another as three peas, or ears of corn.
+  Between my brothers _Ichabod_, _Abimelech_ and me
+  No difference existed which the human eye could see.
+
+  This likeness was the cause of dreadful suffering and pain
+  To me in early life--it nearly broke my heart in twain;
+  For while my conduct as a youth was fervently admired,
+  That of my fellow-triplets left a deal to be desired.
+
+  I was amiable, and pious, too--good deeds were my delight,
+  I practised all the virtues--some by day and some by night;
+  Whilst _Ichabod_ imbrued himself in crime, and, sad to say,
+  _Abimelech_, when quite a lad, would rather swear than pray.
+
+  Think of my horror and dismay when, in the Park at noon,
+  An obvious burglar greeted me with, "Hullo, Ike, old coon!"
+  He vanished. Suddenly my wrists were gripped by Policeman X----,
+  "Young man, you are my prisoner on a charge of forgin' cheques."
+
+  He ran me in, and locked me up, to moulder in a cell,
+  The reason why he used me thus, alas! I know too well.
+  He took me for _Abimelech_, my erring brother dear,
+  Who was "wanted" by the Bank of which he'd been the chief cashier.
+
+  Next morn the magistrate remarked, "This is a sad mistake,
+  Though natural enough, I much regret it for your sake;
+  But if you will permit me to advise you, I should say
+  Leave England for some other country, very far away.
+
+  "For if you go on living in this happy sea-girt isle,
+  Although your conduct (like my own) be pure and free from guile,
+  Your likeness to those sinful men, your brothers twain, will lead,
+  I fear, to very serious inconveniences indeed."
+
+  I took the hint, and sailed next day for distant Owhyhee,--
+  As might have been expected, I was cast away at sea.
+  A Pirate Lugger picked me up, and--dreadful to relate--
+  _Abimelech_ her captain was, and _Ichabod_ her mate.
+
+  I loved them and they tempted me. To join them I agreed,
+  Forsook the path of virtue, and did many a ghastly deed.
+  For seven years I wallowed in my fellow-creatures' gore,
+  And then gave up the business, to settle down on shore.
+
+  My brothers on retiring from the buccaneering trade,
+  In which, I'm bound to say, colossal fortunes they had made,
+  Renounced their wicked courses, married young and lovely wives,
+  Went to church three times on Sundays, and led sanctimonious lives.
+
+  As for me,--I somehow drifted into vileness past belief,
+  Earned unsavoury distinction as a drunkard and a thief;
+  E'en in crime, ill-luck pursued me: I became extremely poor,
+  And was finally compelled to beg my bread from door to door.
+
+  I'm deep down in the social scale, no lower can I sink;
+  Upon the whole, experience induces me to think
+  That virtue is not lucrative, and honesty's all fudge,--
+  For _Ichabod's_ a Bishop--and _Abimelech's_ a Judge!
+
+    (_From_ "PUNCH," _by permission of the Proprietors_.)
+
+
+
+
+SLIGHTLY DEAF.
+
+BRACEBRIDGE HEMMING.
+
+
+Mr. Loyd was a retired shopkeeper residing at The Lodge, Norwood. He had
+amassed a fortune of thirty thousand pounds in the grocery business,
+principally by sanding his sugar and flouring his mustard, and other
+little tricks of the trade. Yet he went to church every Sunday with a
+clear conscience. At the time I introduce him to you he was a widower
+with one son, Joseph, aged eighteen.
+
+Joseph was a shy, putty-faced youth, who had the misfortune to be deaf.
+"Slightly deaf," his father called him, but he grew worse instead of
+better, and threatened to become as deaf as a post or a beetle in time.
+Of course his infirmity stood in the way of his getting employment, for
+he was always making mistakes of a ludicrous and sometimes aggravating
+nature. Add to this that Joseph was very lean and his father very fat,
+and you will understand why people called them "Feast and Famine," or
+"Substance and Shadow."
+
+One morning after breakfast, Mr. Loyd, who had been looking over some
+paid bills, exclaimed, "Joe."
+
+Joseph was reading the paper, and made no answer.
+
+"Joe," thundered his father.
+
+This time the glasses on the sideboard rang, and Joseph got up, walked
+to the window and looked out.
+
+"What are you doing?" shouted Mr. Loyd.
+
+"I thought I heard the wind blow," replied Joseph.
+
+"Well! I like that; it was I calling."
+
+"You!"
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+Joseph invariably grew very angry if he did not hear anybody, for he was
+ashamed of his deafness; but he often fell into a brown study and was as
+deaf as an adder.
+
+Besides this he was more deaf on one side than on the other, as is often
+the case, and he happened to have his very bad ear turned to his father.
+
+"Why don't you speak out?" said he.
+
+"I did," replied Mr. Loyd.
+
+"You always mumble."
+
+"I halloaed loud enough to wake the dead."
+
+"You know I'm slightly deaf."
+
+"Slightly! You'll have to buy an ear-trumpet."
+
+"Trumpet be blowed," answered Joseph.
+
+"Here, put these bills on the file," exclaimed Mr. Loyd, pointing to the
+bundle.
+
+Joseph advanced to the table, took up the bills, and deliberately threw
+them into the fire, where they were soon blazing merrily.
+
+Mr. Loyd uttered a cry of dismay, sprang up and ran to the grate, but he
+was too late to save them.
+
+"You double-barrelled idiot!" he cried.
+
+"What's the fuss now?" asked Joseph calmly.
+
+He always was as cool as a cucumber, no matter what he did.
+
+"You'll never be worth your salt."
+
+"What's my fault?"
+
+"I said salt."
+
+"Keep quiet and I'll get you some."
+
+"No!" roared Mr. Loyd.
+
+"What did you say so for then? It seems to me you don't know your own
+mind two minutes together."
+
+Mr. Loyd stamped his foot with impatience on the carpet.
+
+"Oh dear! what a trial you are," he exclaimed. "They are receipted
+bills, and I told you to put them on the file. F. I. L. E. Do you hear
+that?"
+
+"I hear it now," responded Joe. "It's a pity you won't speak up."
+
+"So I do."
+
+"They'll never call you leather-lungs."
+
+"Oh Joe, Joe! you'll be the death of me. You're a duffer, and it is no
+use saying you're not. I was going to tell you I'd got a berth for you,
+but I'm afraid you could not keep it."
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"Clerk in the office of my old friend, Mr. Maybrick, the stockbroker."
+
+"Eh!" said Joseph. "What's a mockstoker?"
+
+"A stockbroker," shouted Mr. Loyd.
+
+"Why didn't you say so at first. Do you think I don't know what that is?
+I'm not quite such a fool as that comes to."
+
+"You'd aggravate a saint, Joe."
+
+"Paint your toe! Have you gone mad?"
+
+"Great heavens! I shall hit you; get out," shrieked his father.
+
+"Got the gout. Oh! that's another thing. I thought you'd have it. You
+drink too much port after dinner."
+
+"I say, Joe," cried Mr. Loyd, "are you doing this on purpose? You don't
+understand a word I say; in fact, you misconstrue everything."
+
+"If that is so I can't help it."
+
+"You're getting worse."
+
+"Don't do that," replied Joe gravely.
+
+"Eh?"
+
+"Don't curse me. If I am deaf, that is to say slightly deaf, it is my
+misfortune, not my fault; you ought to make allowance for me, and speak
+louder."
+
+"Do you want me to be a foghorn, or a river steam tug?"
+
+"Certainly not."
+
+"Or a cavalry man's trumpet, or a bellowing bull?"
+
+"No, father."
+
+"Or," continued Mr. Loyd with rising temper, "a spouting whale, an Old
+Bailey barrister, a town-crier, a grampus, a locomotive blowing off
+steam, an Australian bell-bird, or a laughing jackass?"
+
+"I'm sure I never laugh, so you needn't fling that at me."
+
+"I wish you were dumb as well as deaf," groaned Mr. Loyd.
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Because I might then get you into the asylum."
+
+"File 'em," muttered Joseph. "He's still thinking of the bills."
+
+"Confound him," muttered his father. "He's worse than a county court
+judgment. I don't know what to do with him."
+
+To soothe his nerves he lighted a cigar, and looking in the fire puffed
+away at the weed, while Joe again took up the paper and went on reading.
+
+Half-an-hour passed.
+
+Then Mr. Loyd said, "You know you're getting worse, but you're so
+obstinate you won't admit it, and it's six to four you'll not yield."
+
+Joseph looked up with irritating calmness.
+
+"No, thanks," he exclaimed.
+
+"What do you mean?"
+
+"I never bet."
+
+"Who talked about betting?" yelled his father.
+
+"You offered six to four on the field, and----"
+
+"I didn't. Yah!"
+
+"Never mind; I sha'n't take you," replied Joseph.
+
+Mr. Loyd got up and did a war dance.
+
+"Who asked you to?"
+
+"You did. It only wants six weeks to the Derby, and----"
+
+Mr. Loyd lost all control over himself for the moment. He took up the
+coal-scuttle and threw it at his son, which was a very reprehensible
+thing to do; but it did not hurt Joseph, for that intelligent youth saw
+it coming, and ducking his head, it went with a crash through the window
+into the street.
+
+"That's a clever thing to do," said Joseph, without so much as winking.
+"You need not get mad because I won't bet."
+
+His father shook his fist at him.
+
+"You'll be my death," he replied, sinking into a chair with a gasp.
+
+"I can't help it if I am deaf," rejoined the imperturbable Joseph.
+
+"You're sharper than a serpent's tooth."
+
+"It wasn't very sharp of you to break the window."
+
+"Go to Putney!"
+
+"Where am I to get putty?" said Joseph. "Send for a glazier."
+
+"Bless us and save us!" groaned Mr. Loyd.
+
+"There isn't much saving in having a broken window to catch cold by."
+
+Mr. Loyd rushed into the hall, and taking down his hat and coat from the
+rack, put them on.
+
+"Come up to town at once," he exclaimed; "we'll go and see Mr.
+Maybrick."
+
+"What's the good of a hayrick?" asked Joseph simply.
+
+"Eh?"
+
+"You can't stop a hole in a window with a hayrick."
+
+"I said Maybrick, the broker," roared Mr. Loyd, putting his hands to his
+mouth.
+
+"I do wish you'd speak out."
+
+"Get a trumpet. Yah!"
+
+"Trump it! we're not playing whist."
+
+"Oh dear!" sighed Mr. Loyd. "He must be apprenticed to Maybrick. I'll
+pay a premium if it's a hundred pounds. I'm not a hog, and don't want to
+enjoy this all by myself. I'll share it with another. It's too much for
+one to struggle with. I can't undertake the worry single-handed, it's
+too much."
+
+He had to go close up to Joseph and bawl in his ear to make him
+understand what he wanted, for he had never found his son's deafness so
+bad as it was that day.
+
+Joseph was quite willing to go, and quitting the house, they took the
+train and went to town together.
+
+It was yet early in the day, and they reached the broker's office about
+twelve, finding him in and at leisure. During the journey, Mr. Loyd had
+impressed upon Joseph the necessity of keeping his ears open as well as
+he could, for if he made any mistakes he would soon get "chucked," as
+they say in the City, and Joe promised to be as wideawake as his
+infirmity would permit him.
+
+How wideawake this was, we shall see.
+
+Mr. Maybrick had done business with Mr. Loyd for many years, and
+received him in his private office with all the cordiality of an old
+friend.
+
+"Brought my boy to introduce to you," exclaimed the retired grocer.
+
+"Very glad to know the young gentleman," replied Mr. Maybrick; "take a
+chair. Have a cigar. Quite a chip of the old block, I see; what's his
+name?"
+
+"Joseph. Joe for short."
+
+"Very good; now what can I do for you, are you going to open stock?"
+
+"Not to-day."
+
+"Markets are very firm."
+
+"I didn't come for that purpose, Maybrick; I want to get the youngster
+into your office."
+
+"Oh! yes," answered the broker, "I forgot; you spoke about it a little
+while ago."
+
+"Last time I was up, when I bought those 'Russians'!"
+
+"Against my advice, and burnt your fingers over them."
+
+"True."
+
+"Well, I'll take him. One hundred pounds premium, no salary first year,
+then seventy pounds and an annual rise according to ability."
+
+"That will do."
+
+"I hope he's smart."
+
+"Smart as a steel trap, though sometimes he's a little absent-minded;
+and you've got to speak loudly, maybe more than once, but that's only
+now and again. I'll write you a cheque and leave him here, so that he
+will know the ropes."
+
+"Very well, I daresay we shall get on. I've ten clerks, and I've only
+changed once in ten years."
+
+"That speaks well for you."
+
+"I read character, and I'm kind," said Mr. Maybrick. "Sit at my table,
+you'll find pen and ink."
+
+While Mr. Loyd was getting out his cheque-book and writing the draft,
+Mr. Maybrick turned his attention to his new clerk.
+
+"Have you ever been out before?" he queried.
+
+"Go out of the door?" replied Joe. "Yes sir, if you want to say anything
+of a private nature, I'll go with pleasure."
+
+"No! no! do you understand work?"
+
+"I beg your pardon, I sha'n't shirk anything."
+
+"Bless me!" cried the broker, "I mean do you know business?"
+
+"No business," answered Joseph, with a solemn shake of the head; "I am
+sorry for that; times are dull though, all round."
+
+"I've got plenty, you mistake me, don't run away with that idea, you
+won't find this an easy place."
+
+"Got a greasy face, have I?" responded Joseph. "It's not very polite of
+you to tell me that."
+
+"What the----" began Mr. Maybrick, when Joe's father handed him the
+cheque.
+
+"There's the needful," exclaimed Mr. Loyd.
+
+"Thanks," replied the broker, adding, "I say, old friend isn't Master
+Joseph a little hard of hearing?"
+
+"Oh! ah! not that exactly."
+
+"What then?"
+
+"He's got a cold in his head."
+
+"Is that all?"
+
+"Yes, he got his feet wet," said Mr. Loyd confidentially, "and I had to
+bawl at him this morning."
+
+"I thought he was, ahem! a little deaf."
+
+"Bless you no, raise your voice, that's all you've got to do."
+
+"Ah! I see. It's bad to be like that," answered Mr. Maybrick, whose
+doubts were removed. "The weather's been so bad, everyone has had cold
+more or less."
+
+Telling the intelligent Joseph that he should expect him home to dinner
+at seven, Mr. Loyd took leave of the broker, who gave his new clerk some
+accounts to enter in a book, saying that he might sit in his office for
+the remainder of that day and he would find him desk-room on the morrow,
+after which he hurried away to see what was going on in the general
+room.
+
+Joseph hung up his hat and coat, and set to work. He certainly meant to
+do his best. They say a certain place, which the Hebrews call Sheol, is
+paved with good intentions; anyhow the fates were against him. Never
+before had his deafness been so bad. It seemed to have swooped down upon
+and swamped him all at once.
+
+Scarcely had he begun his work than he was startled by the ringing of a
+bell.
+
+It was just over his head and proceeded from the telephone.
+
+Now Joseph knew just as much about a telephone as he did about the
+phonograph or the dot-and-dash system of telegraphy.
+
+He sprang from his chair, turned ghastly pale, and fancied it was an
+alarm of fire.
+
+What should he do?
+
+For fully a minute he stood gazing vacantly at the box and the bell.
+
+Then it rang again.
+
+Joseph jumped half-a-foot in the air.
+
+Then he rushed into the general room, where he found Mr. Maybrick
+talking to a client.
+
+"Please sir, can I disturb you for a moment?" he said.
+
+"I'm very particularly engaged, Loyd," replied the broker.
+
+"Excuse me, but----"
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"There's a bell ringing."
+
+"Oh! the telephone. I forgot to tell you to attend to it."
+
+"It's rung twice."
+
+"Then somebody is in a hurry. Answer and come and tell me what it is."
+
+"How do you do it, sir?"
+
+"Speak through the instrument, ask who it is, and what he wants, and put
+the tube to your ear."
+
+The fright had somewhat stimulated Joseph's powers of hearing, for he
+caught these instructions and hastened back to the inner office. After a
+little experimenting he put himself in communication, and the following
+colloquy ensued.
+
+"Who is it?" asked Joe.
+
+"Oliphant," was the reply.
+
+"Elephant," mused Joe. "That's funny."
+
+But he went at it again.
+
+"What do you want?"
+
+"By one o'clock, sell 10,000 Mex. Rails."
+
+Joe heard this order imperfectly.
+
+"Buy 10,000 ox-tails," he said to himself. "This is a queer business."
+
+Yet he was not discouraged.
+
+Joe had not come into the City for nothing. He meant to do his duty or
+perish in the attempt.
+
+"Right," he answered. "Is that all?"
+
+"Yes. I'll call after lunch for the contract note."
+
+"Very well, sir."
+
+Having received his instructions, Joe, very proud of his success in
+manipulating such a peculiar instrument as the telephone, sought his
+employer.
+
+"Well, Loyd," exclaimed that gentleman.
+
+"It's all right, sir," replied Joe.
+
+"What is?"
+
+"The elephant wants you to buy him 10,000 ox-tails."
+
+Mr. Maybrick elevated his eyebrows.
+
+"Who did you say?" he demanded in a loud voice.
+
+"The elephant."
+
+"Mr. Oliphant, I suppose you mean."
+
+"Ah! it might have been Oliphant, or Boliphant, it was something like
+that."
+
+"Ox-tails. Why not Mex. Rails.? Mexican Railways, you know."
+
+"Humph," said Joe, "very likely."
+
+"Are you sure he said 'buy?'"
+
+"Oh! yes, sir, that was distinct enough, and he said he'd come after
+lunch for the distracting note."
+
+"Contract note."
+
+"It may be that. The gentleman did not speak very distinctly."
+
+"Oliphant has a low voice," said Mr. Maybrick, thoughtfully, "but he's
+one of my best customers. Perhaps he's heard something; he must have got
+some information. I'll have a bit in this myself. Oliphant is a very
+shrewd and careful speculator. That will do, Loyd."
+
+Joseph departed, highly delighted.
+
+"Ha! ha! ha!" laughed Mr. Maybrick when Joe had gone, "my new clerk is
+an odd one; 'Buy 10,000 ox-tails for the elephant,' that's good. I must
+tell that story in the House."
+
+He beckoned to his manager, who was a man named Mappin, and told him to
+buy the required quantity of Mexican railway stock.
+
+"Market's very weak, sir. It's fallen to-day one half already in
+anticipation of a bad dividend," replied Mappin.
+
+"Can't help that."
+
+Mappin went away to execute the order.
+
+An hour elapsed, and a special edition of an evening paper was brought
+into the office.
+
+It contained a telegram from Mexico, stating that there had not been one
+revolution, and two earthquakes in that country before breakfast, as
+usual, that morning. The railway dividend was remarkably good, and
+Mexican Preference Stock went up five per cent., at which price the
+broker took upon himself to close the account, thinking his client would
+be well satisfied with his profits.
+
+"Clever fellow, Oliphant," muttered Mr. Maybrick; "up to every move on
+the board. Deuced clever!"
+
+At that moment Mr. Oliphant, who was a stout, red-faced man, inclined to
+apoplexy, rushed into the office.
+
+He was agitated, and looked as if he was going to have a fit.
+
+"Close the account," he gasped.
+
+"I have done so," was the reply.
+
+"What at?"
+
+"A rise of five per cent."
+
+"It will ruin me," groaned Oliphant.
+
+"How? you telephoned me to buy."
+
+"I said 'sell.'"
+
+"Then my clerk made a mistake," exclaimed Maybrick; "but it's a lucky
+mistake for both you and I, for I followed your lead."
+
+"You're joking!"
+
+"Never was more serious in my life. I'll give you a cheque at once."
+
+Mr. Oliphant's face brightened.
+
+"And I'll give your wooden-headed clerk a ten pound note," he said.
+
+"That may console him for his dismissal," said Maybrick, dryly.
+
+"Are you going to get rid of him?"
+
+"Most decidedly. I cannot afford to keep a clerk who makes errors of
+that kind. This time it has come out all right; next time it may be all
+wrong."
+
+"Just so," replied Mr. Oliphant.
+
+He handed Maybrick the ten pounds, which the broker gave to Mappin,
+telling him to present it to Joseph, and inform him that his services
+would not be any longer required, and the premium his father had paid
+should be returned by post. Then the broker gave Mr. Oliphant his
+unexpected profits, and they went out to have a bottle of champagne
+together.
+
+Mappin sought Joseph.
+
+"What are you doing?" he asked.
+
+"Doing sums," replied Joe, which was his idea of book-keeping.
+
+"Well, you need not do any more."
+
+"No, I don't think it a bore," said Joe. "It's all in the day's work,
+don't you know?"
+
+"You're not wanted here."
+
+"Can't I hear? what do you know about it?"
+
+"The fool's deaf," cried Mappin, raising his voice. "Take this tenner
+and go."
+
+Joe heard this plain enough.
+
+"Sacked!" he said, laconically.
+
+"Yes," replied Mappin, nodding his head vigorously.
+
+"What for?"
+
+"Playing the fool with the telephone. We've no use for you."
+
+"Oh! very well. I thought I shouldn't answer."
+
+"You see, we don't run our business on the silent system."
+
+Joe put on his hat and coat, with that perfect unconcern which always
+distinguished him.
+
+"Good morning," he said, pocketing the note. "I say, I don't think much
+of telephones, do you?"
+
+"Yes, it's a very clever invention."
+
+"Ah! there's no accounting for taste."
+
+With these words Joseph quitted the office, and took a walk in the City.
+
+    (_From_ "AWFUL STORIES," _by permission of_ Messrs. DIPROSE &
+      BATEMAN.)
+
+
+
+
+THE LADY FREEMASON.
+
+H. T. CRAVEN.
+
+
+    Vainly we seek it, Sanscrit or Greek writ
+  In hist'ry, the myst'ry of Solomon's secret:--
+  The dark queen of Sheba p'raps tried to get hold of it,
+  But didn't; at least if she _did_, we're not told of it.
+  If McAbel of Lodge number one lets it slip,
+  His brother O'Cain of Lodge two, gives the grip
+    _A la garotte_ they say. Be that as it may,
+  The Cowan is somehow put out of the way.
+  So now if you've fear for my prudence, dispel it;
+  First place, I don't know--next, I don't mean to tell it
+  But praise a shrewd guess, if you think I deserve it,
+  The cream of the secret is--_how to preserve it_!
+  A sworn brother mason who'd ever disseminate
+  His knowledge, or blab, would be worse than effeminate!
+  On feminine weakness, though, let me be reticent,
+  Rememb'ring the tale of the famous Miss Betty St.
+  Ledger, whose name sheds a permanent grace on
+  One fifty--the Lodge of the Lady Freemason.
+
+    My Lord Doneraile, Ne'er known to fail
+  In duties masonic, held land in entail
+  With a mansion near Dublin, of such wide dimension,
+  That a Freemason's Lodge of no little pretension
+  Was warranted, charter'd, and duly appointed,
+  And worshipful ruler my lord was anointed.
+  No master, 'twas said, ever laid down the law so;
+  No masons kept secrets so sacred--or swore so!
+  None drill'd and so skill'd were, in sep'rate degree,
+  By the P. M. presiding (of course my Lord D.)
+  It beggars description--you'd fail to appreciate
+  The hubbub within when they met to '_initiate_.'
+
+    Such tyling and tapping, Such knocking and rapping,
+  Such shrieks and such squeaks--such clapping and slapping
+  Such mauling and hauling and tearing and swearing,
+  Such whisp'ring of secrets and 'tell-if-you-dare'-ing--
+    Such groans and such yells, And such roast-goosey smells,
+  When the poker was used--like the scene in 'The Bells'
+  You doubtless have thought so appalling--enerving--
+  You'd think 'twas some madman, who thought himself Irving;
+    The cauterization, On good information,
+  Amounted, I say, to a partial cremation;
+  And sore on the subject were all Erin's gay sons
+  Next day, when the boys gave 'em sauce for 'fried masons.'
+
+  Be it known that Miss Betty was Doneraile's daughter,
+  And one Richard Aldworth aspired to court her,
+  Yet made his advances with progress so scanty,
+  He really remain'd much _in statu quo ante_;
+    His motto was '_Spero_,' But hope was at zero;
+  In the lady's eye Dick didn't pose as a hero
+  When her father, Lord Doneraile, ask'd of him, whether
+  He'd join the F.M.'s; he had shown the white feather!
+  Whereat the proud beauty declared that no other
+  Should e'er be _her_ slave than 'a man and a _brother_':
+  So Dick, having dined, and not quite _compos mentis_,
+  Agreed to go in for an 'entered apprentice.'
+
+  The eve had arrived, and the hall so baronial,
+  Was deck'd in due form for the night's ceremonial;
+  Miss Betty, in passing downstairs, chanced to see
+  Tho' the Chubb had been lock'd, they had left in the key
+  Of a small ante-room of some minor utility,
+  But prized by the Lodge for its accessibility:
+  Miss said to herself, 'Tho' I fear the attempt, I
+  Should like just to see what a Lodge is like--empty!'
+    Oh! daughters of Eve, There are some who believe
+  Your tongues are your weakness--your failing, verbosity;
+    While others contend, You'll never amend
+  Of that fault Mrs. Bluebeard possess'd--curiosity!
+  Now I--though I'd fain dub such slanders as petty--
+  Own they do say as much of dear, charming Miss Betty:
+    Tho' found to be equal, To hold tongue or speak well
+  With other good masons--but wait for the sequel!
+
+  In through this outer door--closing it warily;
+  Out through an inner door--softly and fairyly--
+  _She's there!_ In the Lodge, where wax tapers are blazing,
+  All deftly arranged with precision amazing:--
+  In the east for the Worshipful Boss is a throne.
+  In the west, Senior Warden--the places all shown
+  (No doubt to prevent any squabbles or wrangles)
+  Initiall'd on chair-backs, in gilded triangles;
+  On a table deep myst'ries we must not unravel--
+  The Mallet, the Plumb, and the Gauge, and the Gavel!
+  Other engines whose uses we fear to unriddle--
+  The Thumb-screw--the Pincers--a Poker--a Griddle!
+  With tapers and papers and paraphernalia,
+  Blue ribbons and jewels and things call'd 'Regalia!'
+  The silence and solitude there were delicious;
+  And any one caring to feel superstitious,
+  Might fancy the ghosts of freemasons, translated
+  To Lodges above--or below--reinstated,
+  Array'd in their mouldy old aprons; each brother
+  Past Master, who'd passed from this world to another.
+
+  But horror of horrors! whilst here she was musing,
+  Came footsteps without, and--oh! sound most confusing!
+  She heard the key turned. (That same key that beguiled
+  In the first-mention'd door.) _Now_ 'twas lock'd and fast tyled!
+  She rush'd to the ante-room, wild to get back,
+  But this cooled her courage, 'twas now _cul de sac_;
+  And hark! In the Lodge--to augment her disaster--
+  The Masons assembling, escorting the Master!
+  To hide while she thought how to 'scape from mishap,
+  She closed t'other door of this snug little trap;
+  That door has a crevice, and thereby new woes arise,
+  To secrets forbidden in vain 'tis to close her eyes;
+  How can she but note the masonic particulars,
+  With no cotton-wool to cram in her auriculars?
+  She heard her dad ask, most distinctly--and trembled
+  At Dogberry's words--"Are we here all dissembled?"
+
+  Then commenced ceremonials misty and mystical,
+  Questions and answers in form catechistical.
+  My lord, in a tone both emphatic and sonorous,
+  Impressing on each that his duties were onerous;
+  (One duty, to Betty, seem'd highly improper--
+  'Twas 'kill, without questioning, any eavesdropper!')
+  When the master, with sudden and well-feigned dismay,
+  For he very well knew that he'd got it to say,
+    Cried 'Hark, there is danger, I feel that a stranger
+  Who's seeking for knowledge is coming this way!'
+  Each took up a napkin--the end dipt in water,
+  And cried '_Porkitotius!_ Give him no quarter!'
+  While outside the door sundry knocks loud and clamorous
+  (As Vulcan might deal when in humour sledge-hammerous)
+  Were echoed within by three knocks--just the same,
+  With the pertinent query--'How now! What's your game?'
+  And a chap (_deshabille_) in great perturbation
+  Is 'run in,' very much like a prig to a station.
+
+  Disguised as he was, through the _a-propos_ hole
+  The lady identified Aldworth's red poll,
+  And thought, 'Well, I wish you, poor fellow, good luck,
+  Or--more to the purpose--I wish you, good pluck!'
+  For her father was urging in solemn oration,
+  'You need, my young friend, for your fearful probation
+  Endurance--true Courage--and strong Veneration!
+  We commence with (don't grin, sir!) a pleasant frivolity:--
+  Just give of Endurance a taste of your quality;
+  'Tis nothing--a towelling. Brothers, prepare!'
+  Then each had a flick at Dick's legs--which were bare:
+  He danced and he pranced at each cut of the towel
+  And prod from the rear with a sharp-pointed trowel,
+  And look'd--as he caper'd in lily-white kilt--
+  The ghost of a Highlander dancing a lilt.
+    To Scotch eyes, however, The steps might seem clever,
+  Dick show'd less a hero in Betty's than ever,
+  And shock'd, when he cried--cutting up rather rough--
+  'D longstroke your optics--hold hard! That's enough!'
+
+  'Enough?' said the worshipful, 'Yes, of this fun!
+  Stern proof of your courage has not yet begun;
+  D'ye hear, sir, those knocks? Brothers, let in the stoker,
+  And form a procession to bring in the poker!
+  See the surgeon is ready to make all secure
+  With lancet and tourniquet, bandage and ligature!'
+    But why freeze your marrow--Your feelings why harrow?
+  Your hearts are too soft and our space is too narrow
+  To tell all the horrors! 'Twould fill you with awe
+  To listen to half that Elizabeth saw:--
+  Let us come to Dick's howl--such a howl!--which as soon
+  As she heard it, Miss Betty fell down in a swoon
+    All in a lump, With a bump and a thump
+  That made all the brothers to gape and to jump.
+    And turn pale and cry, 'Bedad there's a spy
+  Shut up in that closet, and there he shall die!
+
+  To rush to the chamber--to find what was in it
+  And seize the eavesdropper--was the work of a minute;
+    To lift up and shake her, To rouse up and wake her
+  To consciousness--then in the Lodge-room to take her,
+  Was work for six brothers, who cried as they brought her,
+    'We've sought her and caught her!' My lord cried, 'My daughter!'
+  And sunk down as needing, himself, a supporter:--
+    In rush'd the tylers, Crusty old file-ers!
+  With anger 'a busting their blessed old bilers;'
+    Looking so grim at her, One raised his cimeter,
+  And to very short shift was advancing to limit her,
+  As 'Hold!' cried my lord, 'Hear your master--or rather,
+  I'd speak to you all, as her judge--not her father!
+  Perchance she knows nothing, and, if she will swear it,
+  Her life shall be spared--_I_, your _Master_, will spare it!
+  Oh, tell me, my child, what you've seen--what you've heard?'
+  The truthful girl sobb'd, 'Ev'ry act! ev'ry word!'
+  'Alas,' faltered he, 'you have seal'd your own doom!'
+  And 'Down with the spy!' cried each one in the room;
+    One raised a dagger, Some shouted 'Scrag her!'
+  Some raised a trap-door, and rush'd forward to drag her,
+  When a voice like a thunder-clap topp'd all the rest,
+    And Dick semi-dress'd Presented his breast
+  Before her, 'Strike _here_!' was his manly request:
+    'Strike me if you dare, By jingo, I swear
+  Of her you shall touch not so much as a hair!
+    I mean, my good sirs, Whatever occurs
+  To your lives or mine, you shall not take _hers_!
+  Her white arm how dare you place finger or fist on?'
+  And Dick, shooting out his own arm like a piston,
+  Knock'd over a senior warden who held her;
+  Sent spinning a middle-aged junior--his elder,
+    Hit out at a tyler, A blatant reviler,
+  Mash'd the mug of a masher call'd 'Tim' the Beguiler;
+  'Look out!' cried another, 'The Saxon's a bruiser!'
+  And straightway got one on his 'conk'--a confuser!
+    A dozen unitedly Shouted excitedly
+  'Fell him, or else this young fellow will wallop us!'
+    Down went two deacons, Not very weak ones,
+  And a blow on the nose of the third burst a polypus,
+  When the hero (Dick now at the title arrives,
+  Denied him before he had handled his fives,
+    So many bawling, Reeling and sprawling,
+  For each brother knocked down another in falling),
+  Had 'flutter'd the Voices' from east to the west,
+  He paused like a warrior taking his rest,
+  Or Spartan who'd caused lots of Persians to topple, he
+  Took breath--as _he_ did at a place call'd Thermopylae.
+
+  Now outspoke my lord in a masterful way,
+  'A truce and a parley! I've something to say!
+  'Tis writ in our laws "If an eavesdropper pries
+  And filches our secrets, he (mark the HE!) dies!"
+  Now this is a _she_--therefore _not_ an eavesdropper;
+  To kill her, I say, would be highly improper
+    Unless she objects. To do as directs
+  The master (c'est moi!). Now mark what I say next!
+    Let's make her a mason, And put a good face on
+  The matter, believing she'll prove not a base one;
+  I'll take on myself--ending doubt and confusion--
+  To write to Great Queen Street and get absolution!'
+    Then upspake the stoker--A regular croaker,
+  'I'd like to know how you'll get over the poker!'
+  'Long ago,' said my lord---the precise _annus mundi_
+  'I can't call to mind--_regno Coli Jucundi_,
+  (A monarch whose province was Pipo-cum-Fiddlum--
+  A part of the region of Great Tarrididdlom)
+  Sundry by-laws were pass'd for emergencies various
+  Whereby the submission to brand is vicarious:
+    Will some volunteer (_Her_ substitute here)
+  Submit to the crucial test? 'Tis severe!'
+    Dick on now spake, 'E'en to the stake
+  'I'll go, like a martyr, as proxy to take
+  All over again for the dear lady's sake;--
+  That is (here he tenderly glanced), she approving?'
+  'I do!' said the maiden, in accent quite loving.
+  'Agreed!' shouted all who'd been punch'd, 'Be it so!'
+  Glad, no doubt, of the chance to give Dick _quid pro quo_.
+
+  The lady withdrew, in well-guarded condition;
+  The deck's quickly clear'd for the second edition
+    Of flicks and of kicks, Pinching and licks,
+  Twingeing and singeing--but murmur of Dick's
+  None heard e'en a word; he was truly heroic,
+  And went through it all with a smile, like a stoic;
+  And when he--so rumpled from processes recent--
+  Retired to make himself decently decent,
+  Miss St. Ledger return'd--resolution her face on--
+  Took the oaths, and was enter'd a 'Prenticed Freemason!
+
+
+Moral.
+
+  When you meet with a mason, just mention this lass;
+  I warrant she'll prove an excuse for a glass!
+  If he's a true brother, the toast is a favourite,
+  He's good for a bottle, but mind _you_ don't pay for it!
+    You've but to edge her Name in, and pledge her,
+  The Lady Freemason--MISS BETTY ST. LEDGER!
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!
+
+_From the French of M. Charles Monselet, by_ F. B. HARRISON.
+
+
+I cannot deceive myself--I was horribly tipsy last night. Let him who
+has never been in the like case throw the first empty bottle at me!
+
+How did it happen? In this way. I, a civilian, reading law, was invited
+to dine at the garrison mess. I had never been at a similar
+entertainment, and I cannot but think, now that I look back on it, that
+the officers played some trick on me. I only knew that they were
+prodigiously polite, which always looks suspicious. From a certain
+point, from the third course, I remember very little; a sort of cloudy
+curtain intercepts the view like the curtains that come down in a
+pantomime, and I don't know whether I was Clown, or Pantaloon, or
+Columbine.
+
+Yet something must have happened to me, a great many things. I've been
+sleeping in my white tie; and then my face! What a shockingly yellow,
+dissipated face! Upon my word, it is a pretty affair! At my time,
+one-and-twenty, to be overcome by wine like a schoolboy out for a
+holiday!
+
+I cannot express what I think of it.
+
+How am I to know what happened last night? Ask my landlady? No; I cannot
+let her see how ashamed I am. Besides, she would only know the condition
+in which I came home; and that I can guess.
+
+They say that from a single bone Professor Owen can reconstruct an
+entire antediluvian animal; I must try and do something similar to
+reconstruct my existence during the last twelve or fourteen hours. I
+must get hold of two or three clues.
+
+Where can I find them?
+
+In my pockets, perhaps.
+
+Since I was a small boy I have always had the habit of stuffing them
+with all manner of things. Now, this is the time for me to search them.
+
+I tremble. What shall I find?
+
+    [_Searches his waistcoat pocket._
+
+I have gently insinuated two fingers into my waistcoat-pocket,
+and have brought out my purse. Empty! Hang it!
+
+    [_Lifts his overcoat from the floor._
+
+On picking up my overcoat I have found my pocket-book, half open, and
+the papers fallen from it on the carpet.
+
+The first of these papers which catches my eye is the _carte_ of last
+night's dinner. Well, who was there? How many of us? Several of the
+fellows I knew, of course; but which of them? Happy thought! The _menu_
+will remind me of their various tastes and reveal their names to me.
+
+'Oysters.' Well, I know that the Colonel is a tremendous hand at
+oysters, so I am sure he was there.
+
+'Mulligatawny.' That is Captain Simpkin's soup, or rather liquid fire,
+so Simpkins was there. Two of them.
+
+'Roast Beef.' Makes me think of little Dumerque, the Jersey man, who
+wants to be a thorough Englishman. He was there.
+
+'Saddle of Mutton.' Tom Horsley, the inveterate steeple-chaser.
+
+'Charlotte Russe.' That is Ned Walker, who published his travels from
+"Peterborough to Petersburg." Now I know pretty well who some of my
+fellow-guests were. As for the others----
+
+    [_Picks up some photographs._
+
+Hallo! were there women at the mess? No, certainly not. Then we must
+have talked of women, and the men must have given me photographs of
+their female relatives. Strange thing to do! especially as I don't know
+the ladies. Here's an ancient and fish-like personage in a blue jersey.
+Dumerque's grandmother, I'll be bound. Here a stout, middle-aged dame,
+widow probably. I know Simpkins wants to marry a widow, but why give me
+her portrait?
+
+And this--this is charming! Quite in the modern style--low forehead,
+small nose, tiny mouth, all eyes, and what splendid eyes! and such
+lashes! She is fair, as well as one can judge from a photograph. And the
+little curls on her forehead are like rings of gold. And so young, a
+mere child. A lovely figure; our forefathers would have compared her to
+a rose-tree, but then our forefathers were not strong in similes. She
+has neither ear-rings nor necklace; perhaps that gives her that look of
+disdain. Disdain! she knows nothing yet of life, but tries to seem tired
+of it. They are all like that.
+
+Who is she? She must be the Colonel's daughter; I've heard that his
+daughter is a pretty girl. I must have expressed my warm admiration of
+the photograph, and he must have responded by giving it to me. Did I ask
+him for her hand? Did he refuse it? or did he put off his reply? Perhaps
+that was why I drank too much.
+
+Now let me proceed. What further happened? Let me continue my
+researches.
+
+    [_Tries the pockets of his overcoat._
+
+By Jingo! Two visiting cards! The first says:
+
+  "Captain Wellington Spearman,
+    FIRST ROYAL LANCER DRAGOONS."
+
+The other:
+
+  "Major Garnet Babelock Cannon,
+    RIFLE ARTILLERY."
+
+Now, what does it all mean? I do not know those military gentlemen. They
+must have been guests like myself. How do I come to have their cards?
+There must have been some dispute, some quarrel, some row. These two
+cards must have been given in exchange for two of mine.
+
+It all comes back to me!
+
+A duel--perhaps two duels!
+
+But duels about what? Whom did I affront? I know I'm an awful fire-eater
+when I've drank too much. But was I the challenger or the challenged? I
+think my left cheek is rather swollen as if from a blow; but that is
+mere fancy. What dreadful follies have I got myself into?
+
+I can make out some pencil marks on the first card, that of the Captain
+in the Lancer Dragoons. Yes. "Ten o'clock, behind St. Martin's Church."
+
+Ah, a hostile meeting, that is clear. I must run, perhaps I shall be in
+time.
+
+No, too late; it is half-past eleven.
+
+I am dishonoured, branded as a coward! No one will believe me when I say
+that I had a headache, and overslept myself on the morning of a duel.
+
+I have no energy to look further in my pocket. Still, one never
+knows----
+
+    [_Brings out a handkerchief._
+
+A handkerchief--a very fine one--thin cambric. But it is not one of
+mine. There is a coronet in the corner. How did I come by this
+handkerchief? Could I have stolen it? I seem to be on the road to the
+county gaol.
+
+Oh, how my head aches!
+
+A flower is in my button-hole. How did it come there? Forget-me-nots;
+their blue eyes closed, all withered and drooping. I could not have
+bought so humble a bouquet at the flower-shop; it must have been given
+me. It was given me, it came to me from the fair one with golden curls.
+Her father gave it to me from her, knowing that I was about to risk my
+life--to risk my life for her sake, no doubt.
+
+Yes, that is it. My fears increase. I dread to know more. I am afraid to
+prosecute my researches in my pockets. I may find my hands full of
+forget-me-nots--or of blood!
+
+Oh! ah! by jove!
+
+What now?
+
+This overcoat is not mine. No, mine is dark grey, this is light grey. I
+have not travelled through my pockets, but through the pockets of
+somebody else.
+
+But then--if the coat is not mine, neither is the duel.
+
+Not mine the _carte_.
+
+Not mine the photographs.
+
+Not mine the forget-me-nots.
+
+Not mine the cards.
+
+I have not stolen the handkerchief.
+
+I am all right; thank goodness I am all right!
+
+And my romance about the Colonel's lovely daughter--I am sorry about it,
+upon my word. At least, I am sorry for her, for I fear now she will
+never make my acquaintance.
+
+    (_By permission of_ MESSRS. R. BENTLEY & SON.)
+
+
+
+
+THE FATAL LEGS.
+
+WALTER BROWNE.
+
+
+I am an actor, or rather, I call myself one. I am, however,
+"disengaged;" the more so since Widow Walker has----. But let me not
+anticipate; which, by-the-bye, I never could have done--no matter. I
+took apartments, comfortably furnished, with a widow lady named Walker.
+I was "first floor back"; and "first floor front" was Mr. Simon Simpkin,
+of the ---- Theatre. The widow always called us "first floors," either
+"back" or "front," and never by our names, although we never called her
+out of hers. If we had, she would not have come. She was an obstinate
+woman, but at times she got confused. She always called me in the
+morning, and once she called me "front," and then went to Simpkin with
+my shaving water. When I called her back, she called me something else,
+and threw the pitcher at me. I was in hot water for a while.
+
+The Widow Walker was fair, fat, and forty--that is, rather fair,
+extremely fat, and very forty. She might be more; at any rate her voice
+was forte too. The actor, Simpkin, was fragile and long. He played heavy
+parts, which possibly was the cause of his constant complaint that he
+had not got his share of "fat." Although lengthy, he was even less in
+his various diameters than I was, still I longed for his length. And
+why? The Widow Walker wallowed in wealth untold, and I could see she
+smiled upon the suit of Simon Simpkin. Well she might. It was
+second-hand. He, too, was a widower, or rather, he would have been if
+his wife had lived. I mean, if she had lived to be his wife. But she
+didn't. She died before the fatal knot was tied; in fact, it was not
+tied at all. No matter, he had loved before, while my suit was brand
+new. I determined to try it on. I longed to win the widow for my wife--I
+should say for myself. One day I saw the actor kiss her through the
+keyhole. We were rivals from that moment--at least I was. He didn't see
+me, or he would have been one too; I mean one also. That is to say there
+would have been two of us, whereas there was only one of me--no matter.
+
+The widow went a good deal to the theatre. She ordered him, and he gave
+her orders--that is, "passes for two." He knew her size. She always took
+"twos" in seats. He did the villains at the theatre, while I did the
+hero at home. He bellowed in blank verse, while I blew the kitchen fire
+with the bellows. He mashed her, while I mashed the potatoes for supper.
+But I determined to beard the clean-shaved lion in his lair. In short,
+or rather, at length, I obtained an engagement, and became an actor. My
+rival and myself now stood on the same footing. I mean we should have
+done, only, in a word, we didn't. Simon Simpkin, as before observed,
+indeed observed anyhow, was slender as a willow wand, and appropriately
+pliable, especially about the legs. Still, on the stage, his nether
+limbs looked round and well proportioned. His calves might pass for
+cows, and his knees were second elbows, or rather, "Elba's"--they held a
+bony part in exile.
+
+On the other hand--I should say legs--my tights were always loose, and
+while the widow smiled on his understanding, she smiled _at_ mine. I
+thirsted for my hated rival's blood, or rather for his flesh, more
+correctly speaking, for the shape of his legs--technically, for his
+"leg-shapes." Having failed in an attempt to have his blood by means of
+a darning-needle, I determined to go for his shapes. I went for them one
+night before the performance. I went to his dressing-room and got them.
+That night the Widow Walker was in front. I was desperate. I was
+determined that she should see her Simpkin in all his naked--I should
+say his unpadded--deformity, and that mine--that is, my limbs--should be
+resplendent in his borrowed plumes. But alas, all my plans--and
+myself--were violently overthrown--by Simpkin.
+
+I had merely insinuated one leg in the woolly pads, when he insinuated
+another somewhere else. We argued the matter all over my dressing-room.
+Meanwhile, time jogged merrily along. The curtain was raised, and so
+were we eventually; but unfortunately I had only retained one half of
+those precious pads. The right was left on my leg, but Simpkin had
+carried off the left leg all right! What was I to do? My left leg would
+not look right, or if it did, my right would be wrong. There was no
+time, however, for consideration, as my face required sponging before
+applying the sticking-plaster, and eventually I had to hobble on to the
+stage with two odd understandings--that is, one odd one and one even
+one. Even that was odd, which appears odd--no matter.
+
+Fortunately I went on from the O.P. side, which enabled me to put my
+best leg foremost. In the centre of the stage I met Simpkin, who had
+entered from the prompt side. The widow gazed with rapture on us both,
+until, oh, horror! after a short scene it was necessary that each of us
+should retire to the place from whence we came. We advanced towards it,
+backwards, and mutually stumbling, our other legs became exposed to
+view. A yell from the audience, the sack from the management, and a
+week's notice from the widow, subsequently greeted us. Besides which,
+Simpkin and myself are not on the best of terms. We get into argument
+when we meet in the streets. I stay at home a good deal now.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+THE CALIPH'S JESTER.
+
+(FROM THE ARABIC.)
+
+
+  On a _musnud_ of state was reclining the Caliph, the Mighty Haroun;
+  His brow like the sun it was shining, his face it was like the full moon,
+
+  And his courtiers around him were standing, like stars in an indigo sky,
+  And the _saki_ the wine-cup was handing--for the monarch, though pious,
+          was dry.
+
+  And the poets their works were reciting in Arabic numbers divine,
+  The hearts of all hearers delighting with verses like Afdhal's or mine.
+
+  Then the Caliph glared round the assembly, as a lion glares round on the
+          herd,
+  And the knees of the courtiers grew trembly, and their hearts fluttered
+          e'en as a bird;
+
+  And cold drops were distilled from each forehead, and each tongue to its
+          palate did cling,
+  For their fear of their Caliph was horrid--he was such a passionate king!
+
+  At length in a voice that with passion was shaking, it pleased him to
+          speak:--
+  "Does he know whom he treats in this fashion? Did you e'er behold aught
+          like his cheek?
+
+  "This poet, this jester, this chaffer, this pig's son, this bullock,
+          this ass,
+  This black-hearted, black-visaged Kaffir, this Infidel, ABU NUWAS!"
+
+  "I bade him come hither to meet us, in this serious Council of State;
+  And this is the way he dares treat us. Ye dogs, he is five minutes late!"
+
+  Then the heart of his Highness relented; Rashid was of changeable mood;
+  "Maybe he's been somehow prevented; to get in a rage does no good.
+
+  "His jests, too, are always so pleasant, one somehow his impudence
+          stands;
+  Besides, poor Mesrour just at present has plenty of work on his hands.
+
+  "But although I can't perfectly tame him till he goes to the Nita to
+          school,
+  At least I can thoroughly shame him, and make him appear like a fool.
+
+  "Slaves, fetch me some eggs--not new laid--you can find some stale ones
+          that will do.
+  Now execute quick what I bade you, or else I will execute _you_."
+
+  They brought him the eggs in a charger, all studded with many a pearl,
+  The same pattern--though just a bit larger--as that of Herodias' girl;
+
+  And the Caliph took one egg, and hid it away in his cushion, which done,
+  He bade them all do so. They did it; and sat down awaiting the fun.
+
+  With an air that was saucy and braggish, with a step that was jaunty and
+          spruce,
+  With a smile that was merry and waggish, with a mien that was reckless
+          and loose,
+
+  With a "How is your high disposition to-morrow, if God should so will?"
+  With a "Here in our ancient position, your Majesty seeth us still!"
+
+  With a face all be-chalked and be-painted, with a bound through the
+          portal doth pass
+  One with whom we're already acquainted, the world-renowned Abu Nuwas!
+
+  "Right welcome! Right welcome! my brother!" his Majesty smilingly spake,
+  "We were just now in want of another, a nice game at forfeits to make.
+
+  "Whatever I do you must watch it, and each do precisely the same--
+  If I catch you chaps laughing you'll catch it! sit still and attend to
+          the game.
+
+  "If you do just as I do, precisely, a _dinar_ apiece shall ye gain,
+  If you don't, won't I give it you nicely--Mesrour you stand by with the
+          cane!"
+
+  He spake: and the smile on his features was mischievous, cunning and
+          grim,
+  And the courtiers, poor awe-stricken creatures, smiled feebly and gazed
+          upon him.
+
+  "Cluck, cluck, cluck aroo!" representing the note of a jubilant hen,
+  The Caliph arises, presenting an egg, to the sight of all men.
+
+  "Cluck, cluck, cluck aroo!" and the rabble are all at once up on their
+          legs,
+  And with ornithological gabble display their mysterious eggs.
+
+  Then without in the least hesitating steps Abu Nuwas before all.
+  "Cock-a-doodle doo doo!" imitating a rooster's hilarious call.
+
+  "Now I know why it is that you cackle," said he, "when you're trying
+          to talk!
+  And you find me a hard one to tackle, because I am COCK OF THE WALK!"
+
+    (_From_ "TEMPLE BAR," _by permission of the Editor_.)
+
+
+
+
+A JOURNEY IN SEARCH OF NOTHING.
+
+WILKIE COLLINS.
+
+
+"Yes," said the doctor, pressing the tips of his fingers with a
+tremulous firmness on my pulse, and looking straight forward into the
+pupils of my eyes, "yes, I see: the symptoms all point unmistakeably
+towards one conclusion--Brain. My dear sir, you have been working too
+hard; you have been following the dangerous example of the rest of the
+world in this age of business and bustle. Your brain is over-taxed--that
+is your complaint. You must let it rest--there is your remedy."
+
+"You mean," I said, "that I must keep quiet, and do Nothing?"
+
+"Precisely so," replied the doctor. "You must not read or write; you
+must abstain from allowing yourself to be excited by society; you must
+have no annoyances; you must feel no anxieties; you must not think; you
+must be neither elated nor depressed; you must keep early hours and take
+an occasional tonic, with moderate exercise, and a nourishing but not
+too full a diet--above all, a perfect repose is essential to your
+restoration, you must go away into the country, taking any direction you
+please, and living just as you like, as long as you are quiet and as
+long as you do Nothing."
+
+"I presume he is not to go away into the country without ME," said my
+wife, who was present at the interview.
+
+"Certainly not," rejoined the doctor, with an acquiescent bow. "I look
+to your influence, my dear madam, to encourage our patient in following
+my directions. It is unnecessary to repeat them, they are so extremely
+simple and easy to carry out. I will answer for your husband's recovery
+if he will but remember that he has now only two objects in life--to
+keep quiet, and to do Nothing."
+
+My wife is a woman of business habits. As soon as the doctor had taken
+his leave, she produced her pocket-book, and made a brief abstract of
+his directions for our future guidance. I looked over her shoulder and
+observed that the entry ran thus:--
+
+  "RULES FOR DEAR WILLIAM'S RESTORATION TO HEALTH.--No reading; no
+  writing; no excitement; no annoyance; no anxiety; no thinking. Tonic.
+  No elation of spirits. Nice dinners. No depression of spirits. Dear
+  William to take little walks (with me). To go to bed early. To get up
+  early. _N.B._--Keep him quiet. _Mem._ Mind he does Nothing."
+
+Mind I do nothing? No need to mind that. I have not had a holiday since
+I was a boy. Oh, blessed Idleness, after the years of merciless
+industry that have separated us, are you and I to be brought together
+again at last? Oh, my weary right hand, are you really to ache no longer
+with driving the ceaseless pen? May I, indeed, put you in my pocket and
+let you rest there, indolently, for hours together? Yes! for I am now,
+at last, to begin--doing Nothing. Delightful task that performs itself!
+Welcome responsibility that carries its weight away smoothly on its own
+shoulders!
+
+These thoughts shine in pleasantly on my mind after the doctor has taken
+his departure, and diffuse an easy gaiety over my spirits when my wife
+and I set forth, the next day, for the journey. We are not going the
+round of the noisy watering-places, nor is it our intention to accept
+any invitations to join the circles assembled by festive country
+friends. My wife, guided solely by the abstract of the doctor's
+directions in her pocket-book, has decided that the only way to keep me
+absolutely quiet, and to make sure of my doing nothing, is to take me to
+some pretty, retired village, and to put me up at a little primitive,
+unsophisticated country inn. I offer no objection to this project--not
+because I have no will of my own, and am not master of all my
+movements--but only because I happen to agree with my wife. Considering
+what a very independent man I am naturally, it has sometimes struck me,
+as a rather remarkable circumstance, that I always do agree with her.
+
+We find the pretty, retired village. A charming place, full of thatched
+cottages, with creepers at the doors, like the first easy lessons in
+drawing-masters' copy-books. We find the unsophisticated inn--just the
+sort of house that the novelists are so fond of writing about, with the
+snowy curtains, and the sheets perfumed by lavender, and the matronly
+landlady, and the amusing signpost.
+
+This Elysium is called the Nag's Head.
+
+Can the Nag's Head accommodate us? Yes, with a delightful bedroom, and a
+sweet parlour. My wife takes off her bonnet, and makes herself at home
+directly. She nods her head at me with a look of triumph. "Yes, dear, on
+this occasion also I quite agree with you. Here we have found perfect
+quiet; here we may make sure of obeying the doctor's orders; here we
+have at last discovered--Nothing."
+
+Nothing! Did I say Nothing? We arrive at the Nag's Head late in the
+evening, have our tea, go to bed tired with our journey, sleep
+delightfully till about three o'clock in the morning, and, at that hour,
+begin to discover that there are actually noises, even in this remote
+country seclusion. They keep fowls at the Nag's Head; and at three
+o'clock, the cock begins to crow, and the hen to cluck, under our
+window. Pastoral, my dear, and suggestive of eggs for breakfast whose
+reputation is above suspicion; but I wish these cheerful fowls did not
+wake quite so early. Are there, likewise, dogs, love, at the Nag's
+Head, and are they trying to bark down the crowing and clucking of the
+cheerful fowls? I should wish to guard myself against the possibility of
+making a mistake, but I think I hear three dogs. A shrill dog, who barks
+rapidly; a melancholy dog, who howls monotonously; and a hoarse dog, who
+emits barks at intervals, like minute guns. Is this going on long?
+Apparently it is. My dear, if you will refer to your pocket-book, I
+think you will find that the doctor recommended early hours. We will not
+be fretful and complain of having our morning sleep disturbed; we will
+be contented, and will only say that it is time to get up.
+
+Breakfast. Delicious meal, let us linger over it as long as we can,--let
+us linger, if possible, till the drowsy mid-day tranquillity begins to
+sink over this secluded village.
+
+Strange! but now I think of it again, do I, or do I not, hear an
+incessant hammering over the way? No manufacture is being carried on in
+this peaceful place, no new houses are being built; and yet, there is
+such a hammering, that, if I shut my eyes, I can almost fancy myself in
+the neighbourhood of a dock-yard. Waggons, too. Why does a waggon which
+makes so little noise in London, make so much noise here? Is the dust on
+the road detonating powder, that goes off with a report at every turn of
+the heavy wheels? Does the waggoner crack his whip or fire a pistol to
+encourage his horses? Children, next. Only five of them, and they have
+not been able to settle for the last half-hour what game they shall play
+at. On two points alone do they appear to be unanimous--they are all
+agreed on making a noise, and on stopping to make it under our window. I
+think I am in some danger of forgetting one of the doctor's directions;
+I rather fancy I am actually allowing myself to be annoyed.
+
+Let us take a turn in the garden, at the back of the house. Dogs again.
+The yard is on one side of the garden. Every time our walk takes us near
+it, the shrill dog barks, and the hoarse dog growls. The doctor tells me
+to have no anxieties. I am suffering devouring anxieties. These dogs may
+break loose and fly at us, for anything I know to the contrary, at a
+moment's notice. What shall I do? Give myself a drop of tonic? or escape
+for a few hours from the perpetual noises of this retired spot, by
+taking a drive? My wife says, take a drive. I think I have already
+mentioned that I invariably agree with my wife.
+
+The drive is successful in procuring us a little quiet. My directions to
+the coachman are to take us where he pleases, so long as he keeps away
+from secluded villages. We suffer much jolting in by-lanes, and
+encounter a great variety of bad smells. But a bad smell is a noiseless
+nuisance, and I am ready to put up with it patiently. Towards dinner
+time we return to our inn. Meat, vegetables, pudding, all excellent,
+clean and perfectly cooked. As good a dinner as ever I wish to
+eat;--shall I get a little nap after it? The fowls, the dogs, the
+hammer, the children, the waggons, are quiet at last. Is there anything
+else left to make a noise? Yes: there is the working population of the
+place.
+
+It is getting on towards evening, and the sons of labour are assembling
+on the benches placed outside the inn, to drink. What a delightful scene
+they would make of this homely everyday event on the stage! How the
+simple creatures would clink their tin mugs, and drink each other's
+healths, and laugh joyously in chorus! How the peasant maidens would
+come tripping on the scene and lure the men tenderly to the dance! Where
+are the pipe and tabour that I have seen in so many pictures; where the
+simple songs that I have read about in so many poems? What do I hear as
+I listen, prone on the sofa, to the evening gathering of the rustic
+throng? Oaths,--nothing, on my word of honour, but oaths! I look out,
+and see gangs of cadaverous savages drinking gloomily from brown mugs,
+and swearing at each other every time they open their lips. Never in any
+large town, at home or abroad, have I been exposed to such an incessant
+fire of unprintable words, as now assail my ears in this primitive
+village. No man can drink to another without swearing at him first. No
+man can ask a question without adding a mark of interrogation at the end
+in the shape of an oath. Whether they quarrel (which they do for the
+most part), or whether they agree; whether they talk of their troubles
+in this place, or their good luck in that; whether they are telling a
+story, or proposing a toast, or giving an order, or finding fault with
+the beer, these men seem to be positively incapable of speaking without
+an allowance of at least five foul words for every one fair word that
+issues from their lips. English is reduced in their mouths to a brief
+vocabulary of all the vilest expressions in the language. This is an age
+of civilisation; this is a Christian country; opposite me I see a
+building with a spire, which is called, I believe, a church; past my
+window, not an hour since, there rattled a neat pony chaise with a
+gentleman inside clad in glossy black broad cloth, and popularly known
+by the style and title of clergyman. And yet, under all these good
+influences, here sit twenty or thirty men whose ordinary table-talk is
+so outrageously beastly and blasphemous, that not a single sentence of
+it, though it lasted the whole evening, could be printed as a specimen
+for public inspection, in these pages. When the intelligent foreigner
+comes to England, and when I tell him (as I am sure to do) that we are
+the most moral people in the universe, I will take good care that he
+does not set his foot in a secluded British village when the rural
+population is reposing over its mug of small beer after the labours of
+the day.
+
+I am not a squeamish person, neither is my wife, but the social
+intercourse of the villagers drives us out of our room, and sends us to
+take refuge at the back of the house. Do we gain anything by the change?
+None whatever.
+
+The back parlour to which we have now retreated, looks out on a
+bowling-green; and there are more benches, more mugs of beer, more
+foul-mouthed villagers on the bowling-green. Immediately under our
+window is a bench and table for two, and on it are seated a drunken old
+man and a drunken old woman. The aged sot in trousers is offering
+marriage to the aged sot in petticoats with frightful oaths of
+endearment. Never before did I imagine that swearing could be twisted to
+the purposes of courtship. Never before did I suppose that a man could
+make an offer of his hand by bellowing imprecations on his eyes, or that
+all the powers of the infernal regions could be appropriately summoned
+to bear witness to the beating of a lover's heart under the influence of
+the tender passion. I know it now, and I derive little satisfaction from
+gaining the knowledge of it. The ostler is lounging about the
+bowling-green, scratching his bare brawny arms and yawning grimly in the
+mellow evening sunlight. I beckon to him, and ask him at what time the
+tap closes? He tells me at eleven o'clock. It is hardly necessary to say
+that we put off going to bed until that time, when we retire for the
+night, drenched from head to foot, if I may so speak, in floods of bad
+language.
+
+I cautiously put my head out of window, and see that the lights of the
+tap-room are really extinguished at the appointed time. I hear the
+drinkers oozing out grossly into the pure freshness of the summer night.
+They all growl together; they all go together. All?
+
+Sinner and sufferer that I am, I have been premature in arriving at that
+happy conclusion! Six choice spirits, with a social horror in their
+souls of going home to bed, prop themselves against the wall of the inn,
+and continue the evening's conversazione in the darkness. I hear them
+cursing at each other by name. We have Tom, Dick, and Sam, Jem, Bill,
+and Bob, to enliven us under our window after we are in bed. They begin
+improving each other's minds, as a matter of course, by quarrelling.
+Music follows, and soothes the strife, in the shape of a local duet,
+sung by voices of vast compass, which soar in one note from howling bass
+to cracked treble. Yawning follows the duet; long, loud, weary yawning
+of all the company in chorus. This amusement over, Tom asks Dick for
+"backer," and Dick denies that he has got any, and Tom tells him he
+lies, and Sam strikes in and says, "No, he doan't," and Jem tells Sam he
+lies, and Bill tells him that if he was Sam he would punch Jem's head,
+and Bob, apparently snuffing the battle afar off, and not liking the
+scent of it, shouts suddenly a pacific "good night" in the distance. The
+farewell salutation seems to quiet the gathering storm. They all roar
+responsive to the good night of Bob. Next, a song in chorus from Bob's
+five friends. Outraged by this time beyond all endurance, I spring out
+of bed and seize the water-jug. I pause before I empty the water on the
+heads of the assembly beneath; I pause, and hear--O! most melodious,
+most welcome of sounds!--the sudden fall of rain. The merciful sky has
+anticipated me; the "clerk of the weather" has been struck by my idea of
+dispersing the Nag's Head Night Club by water. By the time I have put
+down the jug and got back to bed, silence--primeval silence, the first,
+the foremost of all earthly influences--falls sweetly over our tavern at
+last.
+
+That night, before sinking wearily to rest, I have once more the
+satisfaction of agreeing with my wife. Dear and admirable woman! she
+proposes to leave this secluded village the first thing to-morrow
+morning. Never did I share her opinion more cordially than I share it
+now. Instead of keeping myself composed, I have been living in a region
+of perpetual disturbance; and, as for doing nothing, my mind has been so
+agitated and perturbed that I have not even had time to think about it.
+We will go, love--as you so sensibly suggest--we will go the first thing
+in the morning to any place you like, so long as it is large enough to
+swallow up small sounds. Where, over all the surface of this noisy
+earth, the blessing of tranquility may be found, I know not; but this I
+do know: a secluded English village is the very last place towards which
+any man should think of turning his steps, if the main object of his
+walk through life is to discover quiet.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+GEMINI AND VIRGO.
+
+C. S. CALVERLEY.
+
+
+  Some vast amount of years ago,
+    Ere all my youth had vanish'd from me,
+  A boy it was my lot to know,
+    Whom his familiar friends called Tommy.
+
+  I love to gaze upon a child;
+    A young bud bursting into blossom;
+  Artless, as Eve yet unbeguiled,
+    And agile as a young opossum:
+
+  And such was he. A calm-brow'd lad,
+    Yet mad, at moments, as a hatter:
+  Why hatters as a race are mad
+    I never knew, nor does it matter.
+
+  He was what nurses call a "limb;"
+    One of those small misguided creatures
+  Who, tho' their intellects are dim,
+    Are one too many for their teachers:
+
+  And, if you asked of him to say
+    What twice 10 was, or 3 times 7,
+  He'd glance (in quite a placid way)
+    From heaven to earth, from earth to heaven;
+
+  And smile, and look politely round,
+    To catch a casual suggestion;
+  But make no effort to propound
+    Any solution of the question.
+
+  And not so much esteemed was he
+    Of the authorities: and therefore
+  He fraternized by chance with me,
+    Needing a somebody to care for:
+
+  And three fair summers did we twain
+    Live (as they say) and love together;
+  And bore by turns the wholesome cane
+    Till our young skins became as leather:
+
+  And carved our names on every desk,
+    And tore our clothes, and inked our collars;
+  And looked unique and picturesque,
+    But not, it may be, model scholars.
+
+  We did much as we chose to do;
+    We'd never heard of Mrs. Grundy;
+  All the theology we knew
+    Was that we mighn't play on Sunday;
+
+  And all the general truths, that cakes
+    Were to be bought at half a penny,
+  And that excruciating aches
+    Resulted if we ate too many:
+
+  And seeing ignorance is bliss,
+    And wisdom consequently folly,
+  The obvious result is this--
+    That our two lives were very jolly.
+
+  At last the separation came,
+    Real love, at that time, was the fashion;
+  And by a horrid chance, the same
+    Young thing was, to us both, a passion.
+
+  Old Poser snorted like a horse:
+    His feet were large, his hands were pimply,
+  His manner, when excited, coarse:--
+    But Miss P. was an angel simply.
+
+  She was a blushing, gushing thing;
+    All--more than all--my fancy painted;
+  Once--when she helped me to a wing
+    Of goose--I thought I should have fainted.
+
+  The people said that she was blue:
+    But I was green, and loved her dearly.
+  She was approaching thirty-two;
+    And I was then eleven, nearly.
+
+  I did not love as others do;
+    (None ever did that I've heard tell of);
+  My passion was a byword through
+    The town she was, of course, the belle of:
+
+  Oh sweet--as to the toilworn man
+    The far-off sound of rippling river;
+  As to cadets in Hindostan
+    The fleeting remnant of their liver--
+
+  To me was ANNA; dear as gold
+    That fills the miser's sunless coffers;
+  As to the spinster, growing old,
+    The thought--the dream--that she had offers.
+
+  I'd sent her little gifts of fruit;
+    I'd written lines to her as Venus;
+  I'd sworn unflinchingly to shoot
+    The man who dared to come between us:
+
+  And it was you, my Thomas you,
+    The friend in whom my soul confided,
+  Who dared to gaze on--to do,
+    I may say, much the same as I did.
+
+  One night I saw him squeeze her hand;
+    There was no doubt about the matter;
+  I said he must resign, or stand
+    My vengeance--and he chose the latter.
+
+  We met, we "planted" blows on blows:
+    We fought as long as we were able:
+  My rival had a bottle-nose,
+    And both my speaking eyes were sable.
+
+  When the school-bell cut short our strife,
+    Miss P. gave both of us a plaister;
+  And in a week became the wife
+    Of Horace Nibbs, the writing-master.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  I loved her then--I'd love her still,
+    Only one must not love Another's:
+  But thou and I, my Tommy, will,
+    When we again meet, meet as brothers.
+
+  It may be that in age one seeks
+    Peace only: that the blood is brisker
+  In boys' veins, than in theirs whose cheeks
+    Are partially obscured by whisker;
+
+  Or that the growing ages steal
+    The memories of past wrongs from us.
+  But this is certain--that I feel
+    Most friendly unto thee, oh Thomas!
+
+  And whereso'er we meet again,
+    On this or that side the equator,
+  If I've not turned teetotaller then,
+    And have wherewith to pay the waiter,
+
+  To thee I'll drain the modest cup,
+    Ignite with thee the mild Havannah;
+  And we will waft, while liquoring up,
+    Forgiveness to the heartless ANNA.
+
+    (_By permission of_ MRS. CALVERLEY.)
+
+
+
+
+KING BIBBS.
+
+JAMES ALBERY.
+
+
+"It's all through that Liberal Government."
+
+These were the words uttered by King Bibbs as he stood in the rain
+without an umbrella; and it was not the first time he had uttered them.
+
+Think of it! There stood King Bibbs in the rain without an umbrella.
+
+Once upon a time King Bibbs had a beautiful palace; but there came a
+Liberal Government, and they promised the nation economy.
+
+Their policy was to save and censure, to cut down everything they did
+pay for, and to cut up everything they did not.
+
+They contracted that every soldier in the army should have one nail less
+in his boots, and they blamed the last Government for not having
+soldiers who required no boots at all. They arranged that the royal
+charwomen should clean the floors of the Government offices with soap
+without sand or with sand without soap; and they censured the late
+Government for having floors that wanted any cleaning. They cut down the
+amount and the quality of the cheese required for the royal mousetraps,
+and they pointed out to a plundered people that the last Government were
+entirely to blame for there being any mice. They voted that the royal
+weather-cock on the national stable should be re-gilt only once in six
+years, instead of once in five, and they made it clear, at least to
+their own party, that it was entirely owing to the tactics of the late
+Government that weather-cocks were required at all; and it must be
+admitted that upon this point the late Government were a little bit with
+them.
+
+It was a _fine time_, and the nation that King Bibbs reigned over might
+well feel proud.
+
+They did.
+
+But you know that if you keep the stove going by what you can spare from
+your household furniture, the time will come when you will be a little
+at a loss for firewood.
+
+What would you do? You cannot part with the comfortable chair you sit
+in, and your friends must have their little places; so very likely, if
+you had no respect for time-honoured things, you would break up some
+grand old cabinet that your forefathers loved, but that to you appeared
+useless, and so you'd keep the stove going. And as long as the fire
+lasted, you and your friends would be warm and snug in your places.
+
+That's just what our Government did--not ours, of course--but the one I
+am talking of.
+
+They turned their eyes on the king's palace, and they said the nation
+cannot be saddled with this expense.
+
+They had already saved the nation about a farthing per head per annum,
+and this new sacrifice would save about an eighth as much more. But you
+must understand that every man looked at the amount saved in the lump;
+he never thought of the farthing that was put in his pocket in return
+for the time he wasted in attending public meetings, but had a vague
+idea that the golden thousands talked of were in some remote way his
+rescued property.
+
+What a splendid show of justice, wasn't it now, when bills were
+plastered all over King Bibbs's palace, to say those desirable premises
+would be sold by public auction on such a date?
+
+It touched the people to the core; they gave up half a day to flock
+round the palace, and read the bills; they lost another half-day's work
+to see the palace sold; they spent a day's wages to get drunk to
+celebrate this crowning stroke of economy, and in their wild delight at
+the justice done them, they quite forgot to bank the one-eighth of a
+farthing which the generous Government had put into their pockets.
+
+How common it is to say, we go from bad to worse, and on that principle
+I suppose it was that this Liberal Government went from good to better.
+
+If it was good that the poor king should give up his palace and live
+like a private gentleman, would it not be better that he should go a
+grade lower, and live like a retired tradesman?
+
+The odd fact was, that the more they stripped poor King Bibbs of the
+sacred paraphernalia that once adorned his life, the more useless he
+appeared in the eyes of his subjects; and he was cut down from a palace
+to a mansion, and from a mansion to a villa; from having one hundred
+horses to ten; and from ten to none. And so it was that King Bibbs came
+to be walking in the rain without an umbrella; and so it was, as he
+reflected on the past he exclaimed,--
+
+"It's all through that Liberal Government."
+
+His most gracious Majesty had been to the reading-rooms to look at the
+morning papers, and see what his Government were doing. It may seem
+wrong that he should thus waste a penny; but remember, it was his duty
+to see how his people were getting on. As he left the rooms there was a
+quiet, sad smile on the king's face.
+
+"Ah," he muttered, "my prime minister is very clever, but he is all
+ambition and vanity; he tries to sail the ship with nothing but flags. I
+do wish he would take in the bunting and put out some canvas, so that we
+might have a little real progress instead of so much show."
+
+At this time he was just turning the corner of Daisy Road on his way
+home, when suddenly it began to rain.
+
+"Bless me," said his Majesty, "it's going to pour, and I've forgotten my
+umbrella, I shall have my crown quite spoilt. Dear! dear! dear!"
+
+The rain fell faster, and the poor king had yet two miles to go. His
+ermine was getting quite damp.
+
+"What am I to do?" he exclaimed. "I shall be wet through. Dear! dear! I
+shall be obliged to take a cab."
+
+The king looked along the road, and saw one coming. "Hi! hi!" shouted
+his most gracious Majesty, and he waved his sceptre till it almost flew
+out of his hand.
+
+"Going home to change," said the cabman, with a careless air.
+
+"Don't you know I'm the king?" said poor Bibbs.
+
+"Oh, yes, you're know'd well enough," sneered the cabman; "give my love
+to the old woman."
+
+"There, there!" said the poor monarch, appealing plaintively to the
+empty street; "there, that comes of having a Liberal Government; as soon
+as I get a change I'll be a despot."
+
+You see the true royal spirit in him was not quite crushed.
+
+The rain fell faster, and King Bibbs took off his crown and was looking
+at the great wet spots on the red cotton velvet when a loud voice
+exclaimed:--"Does your most gracious Majesty want a cab?"
+
+The king was about to enter the cab without a word, when a ragged boy
+officiously stood by the wheel.
+
+"What do you want?" said the boy's sovereign.
+
+"To keep your most gracious Majesty's royal robe from touching the
+wheel," said the boy.
+
+"I can do it myself," said the king, in quite an angry tone.
+
+Now in the ordinary way a monarch would look upon such an attention as
+simply his due, but he knew this ragged young subject was looking for
+patronage; he wanted a copper, and the king felt he could not afford it.
+All who have studied the workings of the human heart know how we conceal
+our motives even from ourselves. To look at King Bibbs you would have
+thought he simply resented the boy's officiousness. He tried to persuade
+himself so, but the underlying feeling was his annoyance at not having a
+copper to spare. How he would have blushed if any of the Great Powers of
+Europe could have seen him at that moment!
+
+"Go to the devil," said the king to his subject. "Go away! go away!"
+
+"Blow'd if I pay my income tax next week!" said the young traitor as he
+made a very wicked face at the back of the cab.
+
+"That's a bad boy," muttered Bibbs, as the cab drove off.
+
+Now Bibbs, like many another proud spirit, had enjoyed the noble
+pleasure of refusing, which is only felt when you have full power to
+comply. When you are forced to refuse through weakness, it is very
+galling to a monarch, or even to one of us.
+
+"A d--d bad boy!" he exclaimed, and as if the truth would out in spite
+of him he muttered: "It's all thro' that Liberal Government."
+
+The house to which King Bibbs had directed the cabman to drive him, was
+what is now called a villa. It was one of a row, and was certainly not
+at all suggestive of a palace. Still it had a nice breakfast-parlour
+underground, and a handsome little drawing-room, with folding doors,
+upstairs. The rent was low, and the neighbourhood was considered, by
+those who lived there, fashionable.
+
+At first poor Bibbs was treated with some respect, but after a time he
+fell into contempt, for kings, like other people, must keep their
+places.
+
+On arriving at his house the king stepped from the cab and took out his
+purse. It would have done any Liberal Government good to see a
+constitutional monarch like Bibbs rubbing the edges of certain light
+coins to see if they were threepennies or fourpennies. But it would not
+have done any one good to see the look on the cabman's face as he
+received his fare. The king turned to go indoors.
+
+"Here, hi!" shouted the cabman.
+
+"What's the matter?" asked the king.
+
+"What's the matter? As if your most gracious Majesty did not know! I
+want another sixpence."
+
+"You've got your fare," said the king.
+
+"Got my fare!" retorted the cabman; "you're a pretty gracious Majesty,
+you are. You go about rolling in luxury and wealth out of the hard
+earnings of sich as me, and that's the way you use the money. Bah! The
+sooner you're done away with altogether the better. What good are you?
+Why you ain't worth the crown on your head."
+
+The cabman drove away to swear, and the king paused to reflect. It took
+the king some time to calculate, but he found he cost that cabman, at
+his present rate of expenditure--he cost that cabman about an eighth of
+a farthing every ten years.
+
+The king's lips moved, though he breathed no word; but any one who had
+watched the kind mouth would have seen that he was muttering something
+about that Liberal Government.
+
+He took out his latch-key and let himself in; he paused in the passage,
+gently wiped his crown on the sleeve of his robe, and hung it on a
+hat-peg, and, placing his sceptre in the stand beside his forgotten
+umbrella--forgetfulness that had cost him a shilling--walked slowly into
+the parlour.
+
+He sat down to meditate. You have only to read your Shakespeare to know
+this is the way of kings. He soliloquised somewhat in this fashion:
+
+"It's quite clear the cheaper I get the more useless I appear. While I
+was surrounded with pomp, the people ran after and applauded me; now I
+get abused by a low cabman. I was like a grand ruin: while the columns
+stand, and the broken entablatures lie about in picturesque profusion,
+it is visited, made pictures of, and admired. But take away the old
+adornments, clear away the ground, and leave only a little pile of
+useless earth to mark the spot, and Admiration and Wonder, as they turn
+their backs on it, will soon find Respect at their heels--I see my
+fate."
+
+The king grew reckless, and ordered an egg for his tea.
+
+You have only to read your poets, and you will see that these sudden
+desperate acts foreshadow impending doom.
+
+At the moment that Bibbs was wiping a small spot of egg from his beard,
+his ministers were holding a cabinet council to determine what should be
+their next move to keep up their popularity.
+
+There was nothing to cut down but the places of themselves and their
+friends and relations. That was out of the question. The labourer is
+worthy of his hire, and they had laboured hard to get into their present
+position.
+
+How would it be if they determined that the king should no longer
+receive any help from the State, but earn his own living? A little hard
+work would be good for the king's constitution.
+
+The idea was a popular one. It was carried out. But poor King Bibbs was
+too old to work, so it occurred to one of the ministers, who knew a City
+gentleman who had an ugly daughter that he wanted to marry to a person
+of rank, that by his influence the poor king might be got into an
+almshouse.
+
+After some difficulty it was done, and his most gracious Majesty found
+himself in possession of two small rooms and ten shillings a week.
+
+Any reasonable old monarch, you would think, might have been very
+comfortable under these circumstances, but wherever he turned he met
+unfriendly glances. People said almshouses were meant for industrious
+but unfortunate tradesmen and their wives, and not for bloated old
+emperors and kings. Here was a monarch not only grinding them down with
+taxation, but actually taking from them the just reward of virtuous old
+age.
+
+At last it happened that a shopkeeper died insolvent, and his aged widow
+was destitute. There was nothing for it but to put her on the parish,
+which would be an expense, or get her into an almshouse.
+
+The matter touched the pockets of the parishioners, and you may be
+pretty sure that soon a fine clamour was raised. What had the king done
+to deserve charity? Nothing. Meetings were held, bundles of letters were
+sent to the newspapers, and at last the influential City gentleman, who
+meant to stand for the borough at the next election, was forced to turn
+out King Bibbs or lose his popularity.
+
+The influential gentleman assured his most gracious Majesty that he
+turned him out with great reluctance.
+
+What was to be done now? It was pretty clear that the king must go on
+the parish. But what parish?
+
+It mattered not where he had lived, he had never paid his rates, and not
+a parish would have him. Vestries met and discussed the matter. It was
+referred to committees, minutes were brought up and referred back again;
+meantime poor Bibbs, who would not go in as a casual, was left, like old
+Lear, to perish.
+
+It is true that on the first night an old Chartist, who was once
+imprisoned for treason, took pity on him, and gave him a bed, but when
+the king found out who his benefactor was, his old pride arose within
+him, and he turned away.
+
+His most gracious Majesty might have been seen feeling with his
+thumb-nail the edge of his last coin. It was smooth; King Bibbs had but
+threepence in the world.
+
+At this moment he saw some men with advertising boards on their backs.
+He looked at them; they were old and feeble. Ah! thought the king, I
+think I am strong enough to carry boards. He went up to one of the men,
+and asked him most respectfully where he got his employment.
+
+The man turned round and sneered out,--
+
+"Oh, you want to rob _us_ now, do you? You want to take the crust out of
+our mouths. You ain't content with grinding _us_ poor working men down
+with taxes--you ain't content with having every luxury down to
+almhouses, but you must interfere with _us_. If I catch your most
+gracious Majesty with _half_ a board on your back, I'll just smash you.
+There!"
+
+It will be observed that the people had lost nothing of the outward show
+of respect, and always addressed the king in the proper way.
+
+Poor Bibbs bought a penny biscuit, and with the remaining twopence a
+piece of card and a bit of string. He wrote on the card,
+
+  "PRAY PITY A POOR CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCH."
+
+And with his crown in his hand to get whatever charity would give, he
+went into the bitter world to beg his way down to the grave.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Things went on merrily with the ministry for years. They filled all the
+old places and invented new. They put the king's head on the coin, and
+put the coin in their pockets.
+
+But one fine day a certain Eastern despot with whom they had been
+intriguing, thought it a politic thing to pay King Bibbs a visit IN
+STATE. Here was a pretty kettle of fish! What were they to do for a
+king?
+
+It would never do to tell the Eastern despot they didn't know where
+their king was, and they did not care; he would have broken with them at
+once.
+
+They sent in all directions to inquire for the king, but he was not to
+be found.
+
+They then tried an advertisement:--
+
+  IF THIS SHOULD MEET THE EYE OF KING BIBBS,
+  he is requested to return to his disconsolate ministers, and
+  all shall be forgiven.
+
+But poor Bibbs had not seen a newspaper for years, and his ministers
+were left disconsolate.
+
+Then appeared another advertisement:--
+
+  LOST, A KING ANSWERING TO THE NAME OF BIBBS.
+  If any one will take him to the Treasury he will be _liberally_
+  rewarded.
+
+Now it so happened that a quiet man of business, as he was passing along
+a country highway, saw a poor old half crazy man eating a few dry
+crusts. By his side was a bent sceptre, and on his head an old and
+battered crown, while his robe of royal purple was torn and soiled, and
+the ermine on it worn nearly bare and black.
+
+As the stranger approached him, the old man took off his crown, and in a
+feeble voice said, "Pray pity a poor constitutional monarch."
+
+The stranger looked in his face and exclaimed, "Good heaven, poor soul,
+what has brought you to this?"
+
+The old man brushed a tear away from his sunken eye, and muttered--
+
+"It was all through that Liberal Government!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A week after a great city was all aglare with flags, and ablare with
+trumpets. The streets were lined with people, and a procession passed,
+at the head of which was a grand carriage drawn by eight horses. In the
+carriage sat a feeble old man in a splendid robe, and with a new crown
+that he kept taking off as he bowed to the multitude. At his side was
+the splendid Eastern despot, who bowed too, for the people not only said
+"Long live King Bibbs!" but they wished the splendid Eastern despot long
+life as well. Near the palace gates as they returned, the king left off
+bowing, and some were shocked at his pride and some at his pallor.
+
+A few days after there was a grand and solemn procession.
+
+And again, a few days after that, a grand and glorious procession.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Government were true to their policy, and the wording of their
+advertisement. The stranger who had found King Bibbs, after wasting
+years in applications, received a note to say his affair was under
+consideration.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+MOLLY MULDOON.
+
+ANONYMOUS.
+
+
+  Molly Muldoon was an Irish girl,
+          And as fine a one
+          As you'd look upon
+  In the cot of a peasant or hall of an earl.
+  Her teeth were white, though not of pearl,--
+  And dark was her hair, but it did not curl;
+  Yet few who gazed on her teeth and her hair,
+  But owned that a power of beauty was there.
+      Now many a hearty and rattling gorsoon
+      Whose fancy had charmed his heart into tune,
+          Would dare to approach fair Molly Muldoon,
+          But for _that_ in her eye
+          Which made most of them shy
+      And look quite ashamed, though they couldn't tell why--
+  Her eyes were large, dark blue, and clear,
+      And _heart_ and _mind_ seemed in them blended.
+  If _intellect_ sent you one look severe
+      _Love_ instantly leapt in the next to mend it--
+          Hers was the eye to check the rude,
+            And hers the eye to stir emotion,
+          To keep the sense and soul subdued
+            And calm desire into devotion.
+
+          There was Jemmy O'Hare,
+          As fine a boy as you'd see in a fair,
+  And wherever Molly was he was there.
+  His face was round and his build was square,
+          And he sported as rare
+          And tight a pair
+  Of legs, to be sure, as are found anywhere.
+          And Jemmy would wear
+          His _caubeen_ and hair
+  With such a peculiar and rollicking air,
+          That I'd venture to swear
+          Not a girl in Kildare
+  Nor Victoria's self, if she chanced to be there,
+  Could resist his wild way--called "Devil-may-care."
+  Not a boy in the parish could match him for fun,
+  Nor wrestle, nor leap, nor hurl, nor run
+  With Jemmy--No gorsoon could equal him--None,
+      At wake, or at wedding, at feast or at fight,
+      At throwing the sledge with such dext'rous sleight,--
+  He was the envy of men, and the women's delight.
+
+  Now Molly Muldoon liked Jemmy O'Hare,
+      And in troth Jemmy loved in his heart Miss Muldoon.
+  I believe in my conscience a purtier pair
+      Never danced in a tent at a pattern in June,--
+        To a bagpipe or fiddle
+          On the rough cabin door
+        That is placed in the middle--
+          Ye may talk as ye will
+  There's a grace in the limbs of the peasantry there
+  With which people of quality couldn't compare;
+      And Molly and Jemmy were counted the two
+      That would keep up the longest and go the best through
+          All the jigs and the reels
+          That have occupied heels
+  Since the days of the Murtaghs and Brian Boru.
+
+  It was on a long bright sunny day
+    They sat on a green knoll side by side,
+  But neither just then had much to say;
+    Their hearts were so full that they only tried
+      To do anything foolish, just to hide
+      What both of them felt, but what Molly denied.
+    They plucked the speckled daisies that grew
+    Close by their arms,--then tore them too;
+  And the bright little leaves that they broke from the stalk
+    They threw at each other for want of talk;
+      While the heart-lit look and the sunny smile
+      Reflected pure souls without art or guile,
+          And every time Molly sighed or smiled,
+          Jem felt himself grow as soft as a child;
+  And he fancied the sky never looked so bright,
+  The grass so green, the daisies so white;
+  Everything looked so gay in his sight
+  That gladly he'd linger to watch them till night,--
+          And Molly herself thought each little bird
+          Whose warbling notes her calm soul stirred,--
+          Sang only his lay but by her to be heard.
+
+          An Irish courtship's short and sweet,
+          It's sometimes foolish and indiscreet;
+          But who is wise when his young heart's heat
+          Whips the pulse to a galloping beat--
+          Ties up his judgment neck and feet
+          And makes him the slave of a blind conceit?
+  Sneer not, therefore, at the loves of the poor,
+  Though their manners be rude their affections are pure;
+  They look not by art, and they love not by rule,
+  For their souls are not tempered in fashion's cold school.
+  Oh! give me the love that endures no control
+  But the delicate instinct that springs from the soul,
+  As the mountain stream gushes its freshness and force,
+  Yet obedient, wherever it flows to its source.
+  Yes, give me that but Nature has taught,
+  By rank unallured and by riches unbought;
+  Whose very simplicity keeps it secure--
+  The love that illumines the heart of the poor.
+
+  All blushful was Molly, or shy at least
+          As one week before Lent
+          Jem procured her consent
+  To go the next Sunday and spake to the priest,
+    Shrove-Tuesday was named for the wedding to be,
+    And it dawned as bright as they'd wish to see.
+  And Jemmy was up at the day's first peep
+  For the live-long night, no wink could he sleep;
+          A bran-new coat, with a bright big button,
+          He took from a chest, and carefully put on--
+          And brogues as well _lampblacked_ as ever went foot on
+  Were greased with the fat of _a quare sort of mutton_!
+          Then a tidier _gorsoon_ couldn't be seen
+          Treading the Emerald sod so green--
+          Light was his step and bright was his eye
+          As he walked through the _slobbery_ streets of Athy.
+  And each girl he passed, bid "God bless him," and sighed,
+  While she wished in her heart that herself was the bride.
+
+  Hush! here's the Priest--let not the least
+  Whisper be heard till the father has ceased.
+              "Come, bridegroom and bride,
+              That the knot may be tied
+          Which no power upon earth can hereafter divide."
+          Up rose the bride, and the bridegroom too,
+          And a passage was made for them both to walk through!
+          And his Rev'rence stood with a sanctified face,
+          Which spread its infection around the place.
+          The bridesmaid bustled and whispered the bride,
+          Who felt so confused that she almost cried,
+          But at last bore up and walked forward, where
+          The Father was standing with solemn air;
+          The bridegroom was following after with pride,
+          _When his piercing eye something awful espied_!
+            He stooped and sighed,
+            Looked round and tried
+        To tell what he saw, but his tongue denied:
+            With a spring and a roar,
+            He jumped to the door,
+  AND THE BRIDE LAID HER EYES ON THE BRIDEGROOM NO MORE!
+
+            Some years sped on
+            Yet heard no one
+          Of Jemmy O'Hare, or where he had gone.
+        But since the night of that widowed feast,
+        The strength of poor Molly had ever decreased;
+        Till, at length, from earth's sorrow her soul released,
+        Fled up to be ranked with the saints at least.
+
+        And the morning poor Molly to live had ceased,
+        Just five years after the widowed feast,
+        An American letter was brought to the priest,
+        Telling of Jemmy O'Hare deceased!
+            Who ere his death,
+            With his latest breath,
+        To a spiritual father unburdened his breast
+        And the cause of his sudden departure confest,--
+          "Oh! Father," says he, "I've not long to live,
+          So I'll freely confess, and hope you'll forgive--
+          That same Molly Muldoon, sure I loved her indeed;
+          Ay, as well, as the Creed
+          That was never forsaken by one of my breed;
+        But I couldn't have married her after I saw"--
+          "Saw what?" cried the Father desirous to hear--
+        And the chair that he sat in unconsciously rocking--
+        "Not in her 'karacter,' yer Rev'rince, a flaw"--
+        The sick man here dropped a significant tear
+        And died as he whispered in the clergyman's ear--
+        "But I saw, God forgive her, A HOLE IN HER STOCKING!"
+
+
+
+
+THE HARMONIOUS LOBSTERS.
+
+ROBERT REECE.
+
+
+It has always appeared to me as a remarkable fact that the practice of
+Music does not promote amongst its devotees the harmony which is its own
+very gist and soul. The "concord of sweet sounds" is not reflected in
+the good fellowship and friendly cohesion of musicians; and the
+spiritualising power of the divine art seems too often to evaporate with
+the notes produced, and leave with its professors the hard _residuum_ of
+an exact science and a mechanical art.
+
+The rivalry and jealousy so noticeable amongst musical people is
+peculiar to them; and, though you may with impunity neglect to demand
+from the actors, poets, painters, sculptors, preachers, physicians,
+surgeons, or lawyers an exhibition of their skill in their respective
+arts, you will make a foe for life if you omit to ask the musician to
+perform.
+
+We all know the "musical people" at parties; how cordially we welcome
+the production of that fatal waterproof roll, with its diabolical
+contents of "pieces" and "ballads;" how enthusiastically we press Jones
+to "give us another song," and how cheerfully and promptly (I might
+almost say "hastily") Jones obliges us. It is of no use suggesting to
+Miss Robinson that you "are afraid you are taxing her too far." Miss
+Robinson has another ballad, or another "piece"--"Tricklings at Eve," or
+"Wobblings at Noon," ready for you.
+
+I have belonged to several musical clubs in my time, and know something
+of my subject, especially the amateur section of it. I once officiated
+at a professional gathering to the great hurt of a very kind man. I was
+invited by a genial music publisher to join a "professional dinner"
+which he gave yearly to the principal musicians, his very good friends.
+The profession mustered very strongly, and did ample justice to
+excellent fare; on our repairing to the drawing-room, I expected, of
+course, to be entertained with some really good music, but I found that
+no one would "start the ball."
+
+In the full glare of professional eyes I opened the piano and the
+proceedings myself. Before I had played forty bars every "professional"
+was making for the instrument. I concluded. I had "started the ball," or
+rather a musical "boomerang," which was to return viciously upon me and
+my host.
+
+Every man present held the pianoforte in turn, and at half-past two in
+the morning (_I_ had commenced at ten in the evening), there were still
+some unwearied musicians insisting on playing their own compositions to
+unappreciative audiences of rival professors. Perhaps they are still
+playing. I never did any business with that music publisher again.
+
+Years ago I belonged to an amateur musical society which had its being
+in a fashionable suburb, and was known by the felicitous title, "The
+Harmonious Lobsters." To account for this name I may state that the
+society owed its origin to certain jovial meetings held at a friend's
+chambers, where these succulent _crustacea_ were discussed (to soft
+music) at supper, twice a month. As the club grew, the suppers deceased;
+and, as the society became important and pretentious, so the original
+joviality evaporated.
+
+"The Harmonious Lobsters" were as pleasant amongst themselves as the
+genuine uncooked articles are in a fishmonger's basket. Every member
+struggled to be "top-sawyer;" every artist, down to the little doctor
+who played the triangle regarded himself as the mainstay, sole prop, and
+presiding genius of the society.
+
+We mustered a small orchestra, consisting of two flutes, two cornets,
+two violins, one viola, one violoncello, a drum, a clarionet, and the
+triangle above mentioned.
+
+The performances of this "limited band" were more remarkable for their
+force than their precision; and a want of "tone" and completeness was
+the result of an endeavour on the part of each performer to make the
+instrument he played specially conspicuous. It didn't matter so much
+with the flutes, violins, and clarionet; but the two cornets were a
+serious nuisance.
+
+Gasper and Puffin (both "first" cornets, of course!) were deadly rivals,
+implacable foes. Each aspired to be the ruler of the club, each regarded
+himself as _the_ performer _par excellence_. The flutes were not
+friendly, and the violoncello was crabbed and unpleasant, but those
+cornets were insufferable.
+
+We all felt that a crisis was at hand, and we all devoutly wished it;
+for while Puffin and Gasper asserted themselves, we others were, to a
+defined extent, hiding our light under a bushel.
+
+The catastrophe was foreshadowed by a stormy meeting convened to arrange
+the programme of our fourth and last annual concert.
+
+"Of course," premised the First Violin, who was also Secretary and
+Librarian, "we have all a solo!"
+
+There was no doubt of _that_, except as regarded the "doubles," viz.,
+the two flutes and the two cornets. The first couple had so far
+coalesced as to submit to the prowess being displayed in a duet, which
+was destined to be less flute than elaborate flatulence.
+
+"Let's begin at the beginning," said Gasper. "No. 1: that's an overture
+for _tutti_; say, 'The Caliph of Bagdad.'"
+
+"_I_ don't mind," responded the Secretary. "It's easy enough, and
+there's lots of show for the violins."
+
+"The question now arises," jerked in Puffin, "who is to be the _first_
+soloist? _I_ won't."
+
+"Nor likely to be," sneered Gasper.
+
+"I understand your narrow-mindedness, Gasper," retorted Puffin; "but I
+shall choose my own place and my own solo."
+
+"So shall _I_," announced Gasper; "go on."
+
+The Secretary proceeded.
+
+"Shall we say: SOLO (_Clarionet_)--Mr. R. Lipsey."
+
+"Anything for a quiet life," said Lipsey. "_I_'m not afraid."
+
+So it went on for four more items, when it became obvious that the "best
+place," in the first part of the programme was open to competition.
+
+"_My_ solo," said Gasper, "comes in here."
+
+"Thank you," replied Puffin; "I claim it myself."
+
+"_Do_ you?" grinned Gasper; "I stick to this point."
+
+"So do _I_," said the undaunted Puffin.
+
+"No, but really, you know," argued the Secretary, "it must be settled:
+let _me_ cut the knot. _I_'ll play _my_ solo here."
+
+A howl of opposition now arose. Every performer, exclusive of the Drum
+and the Triangle, had decided to "go in" for the "show place" in the
+programme.
+
+"I leave the Society if I do not play my solo here," said Gasper. "I
+have no more to say!" and he sat down.
+
+"So do _I_," echoed Puffin, "and get on with 'The Caliph' if you can
+without a second cornet."
+
+This was clinching matters with a vengeance.
+
+"Look here," interposed the Doctor. "_I_ don't play a solo, so I speak
+impartially, I hope. Let Gasper play his solo in _this_ part, and Puffin
+_his_ solo in the best place of the _second_ part of the programme.
+That'll settle it."
+
+There was a tumult immediately; everybody seemed to be multiplied by
+ten.
+
+"Don't be a fool," whispered the Doctor to Gasper. "Stick to your right
+place in the first part; all the swells look for _that_. They'll be gone
+before Puffin gets _his_ turn."
+
+Gasper was quiet in a moment.
+
+The Doctor, winking at me, got hold of the stony but still excited
+Puffin.
+
+"Let him have his blessed solo _early_, my boy," said the Triangle. "The
+big people won't have taken their seats by then. You'll have it all your
+own way."
+
+To this day I believe the Doctor had a professional impulse in this
+advice.
+
+During a lull Puffin spoke.
+
+"_Let_ Mr. Gasper have his solo in the first part. I flatter myself I
+can face the inferior position without any fear."
+
+"You are _so_ modest," retorted the delighted Gasper. "Put it down,
+Basscleff. SOLO (_Cornet_) 'The Wind from the Sea,' _Vulvini_--George
+Gasper, Esq."
+
+"That's _my_ solo," shouted Puffin; "and I'll play it!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Spare me the recital of the ensuing scene.
+
+"Listen to _me_," said the Triangle, maliciously. "We must come to hard
+facts, I plainly see. The truth is, the difference between Mr. Gasper
+and Mr. Puffin (both admirable performers) has assumed the aspect of
+direct rivalry; I may go so far as to say, antagonism. Laudable, so far
+as art is concerned; lamentable for the ill-feeling promoted. I suggest
+that, for the setting at rest of the unfortunate dispute, and the better
+spirit of the Society, it be arranged that the two gentlemen _do_ play
+the same solo at the same concert."
+
+Loud shouts, of varied sentiment, followed this daring speech.
+
+"A moment, please," cried the Doctor; "as Treasurer of this Musical
+Society I may state that our financial condition is not so satisfactory
+as it might be: if this competition gets wind--I mean, of course, if
+people get to know of it, we shall have an enormous house."
+
+After some disputing, it was agreed that there was cogency in the
+Doctor's suggestion.
+
+Other members were appeased with situations in the programme more or
+less prominent, but when the twenty-four items had been satisfactorily
+arranged, and the club separated, the general feeling was that the
+interest of the concert, and the stake at issue, were the competitive
+performances of Messrs. Puffin and Gasper.
+
+The evening of the concert arrived: so did Doctor Martel at my rooms:
+the little man was suffused with delight.
+
+"My dear fellow!" he chuckled, "it'll be the funniest thing you ever
+saw. I've been running to and fro all the week. Now to Gasper, now to
+Puffin. 'You should hear Puffin phrase that passage about the 'wind
+moaning,' said I to Gasper, 'it's tiptop,' and Gasper grinds his teeth.
+Then I go to Puffin and say, 'Gasper's devoting himself to making a hit,
+old man; the way he imitates the surge of the wave in the passage 'The
+wild wave answers the winds,' will 'fetch' them, and no mistake!' and
+Puffin turns pale."
+
+"What does it all portend?" asked I.
+
+"Wait and see, my lad," said the sly Doctor. "Wait and see."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Eight o'clock! and I meet Puffin as I enter the "Artists' Room." I play
+the _violino secondo_. I am nobody.
+
+"Well," say I, "how do you feel?"
+
+"Never mind," says the astute Puffin; "I bide my time! _Only_ (mark my
+words), Gasper won't score as heavily as he expects." With these dark
+words he vanishes.
+
+The next moment I am face to face with Gasper.
+
+"How do you feel?" I ask of _him_.
+
+"Don't worry about _me_," replies Gasper. "I'm not afraid that Puffin
+will cover himself with glory, after all." And Gasper retires.
+
+We had a wonderful "house" that night. The "competition" _had_ been
+noised abroad, and the wily doctor's surmises were fulfilled. There was
+a Puffin and a Gasper faction ready to do battle for its respective
+champion when the clarion of defiance rang out from the platform.
+
+I pass the overture, a solo on the clarionet, which reduced the pug-nose
+of Lipsey to a severe aquiline during its performance; a flute and
+violin _duo_, and etc. The time had come for "The Wind from the Sea"
+(_George Gasper Esq._). The favourite performer was hailed with shouts
+of delight. The Puffin faction smiled silently.
+
+The opening bars of the symphony were played by the pianist.
+
+Gasper advanced with a half-restrained smile of self-satisfaction, and
+after some singular contortions of his lips began to play the _scena_
+for the cornet.
+
+But no sound followed his laboured effort! Again, and again, red in the
+face, and furious, he essayed to produce a note from his silver
+instrument. It was dumb!
+
+Not so the Puffin section of the audience; the titter soon became a
+laugh, the laugh a shout, and finally with a stamp, and a diabolical
+expression, Mr Gasper gave up the game, and retreated amidst a howl of
+displeasure.
+
+Meanwhile where was Puffin? Never mind.
+
+Slowly went on the programme, till the item for which Mr. Puffin was
+"set down" arrived in its place.
+
+More sensation in the audience. Puffin section cock-a-hoop. Similar
+symphony on the part of the pianist, and the placid Puffin, a foregone
+victory shaping his lips into a half-concealed smile, put his cornet to
+his mouth, and----
+
+Well! while the audience was fighting its way out, half hysterical with
+laughter (for the performance of Mr. Puffin had only reproduced Mr.
+Gasper's failure), I was the unwilling witness of a "set-to" between the
+rival cornet-players, who, having discovered that each had,
+respectively, placed a cork up the principal tube of his opponent's
+instrument, so far agreed, as to differ as to the justice of the
+process. From the appearance of their upper lips, I am sure no solos
+were to be apprehended for weeks to come. But, before our next club
+meeting, Messrs. Gasper and Puffin had retired.
+
+I don't belong to any musical clubs now.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+THE PROVINCIAL LANDLADY.
+
+H. CHANCE NEWTON.
+
+
+  Oh, dear Mister Editor, sir, if you please, they say you're a kind and
+        humanious gent, sir,
+  Which listens attentive to troubles and woes sech as worry an
+        'ard-working woman like me;
+  I'm worrited dreadful from morning to night with working and toilin'
+        and sech,--which the rent, sir,
+  Is not always quite so forthcoming as I, with my fam'ly, would wish
+        it to be!
+
+  Which I keeps a big house in the square, sir, not five minits' walk
+        from the R'yal Theaytre,
+  Jest oppersit Muggins's Music-hall, sir, which its "public" is known
+        as the "Linnet and Lamb"--
+  But I am a lamb, sir, to stand it as I do, a-working away up till
+        midnight, or later,
+  For a lot of purfessional folks, which the best of the bunch, sir, is
+        nothing but sham!
+
+  From them music-hall people as lodges with me is a set which I'm sure,
+        sir, is simply outragious,
+  A-rushin' all over the house when I've scrubbed it and cleaned it jest
+        like a new pin;--
+  And as for them second-floor folks (which is niggers) believe me their
+        conduct is something rampagious,
+  A-larkin' all over the landing, a-spoilin' the paper,--it's really a sin!
+
+  And the party wot sings comic songs, sir, goes in and out shouting
+        whenever he pleases,
+  And the next floor (the serio-comic)--well, there, she's a stuck-up,
+        impertinent miss,
+  Which the last ones as had them apartments wos folks as performed on
+        the "flyin' trapeeses,"
+  And went away two pun' thirteen in my debt, and I've never beheld 'em
+        from that day to this.
+
+  Than there's that ventrillikist party, as imitates different voices,
+        and that, sir,--
+  He frightens me out of my wits, which I'm sure as I haven't too many
+        to spare;
+  And as for that Muggins's chairman, I frequently finds him asleep on
+        the mat, sir,
+  Which I characterises behaviour like that as werry disgraceful and
+        shocking--so there!
+
+  Then the Sisters Mac-Jones (them duettists) comes bouncin' all over
+        the place, quite disdainful,
+  A fault-findin' day after day, sir, dressed up in their fal-de-rals,
+        looking like guys;
+  And the party that sings sentimental goes on in a way as to me, sir,
+        is painful,
+  He smokes a long pipe in the garding, which dreadful proceedings I
+        can't but despise.
+
+  Then a troop which I think is called ackribacks, knocks my best parlour
+        to rack and to ruin,
+  A-chucking of summersets over my splendid meeogany tables and chairs;
+  Why to-day they all stood on their heads in the passage: "Good gracious,"
+        I shouted, "why what are you doin'?"
+  When they twisted their legs round their necks, sir, made faces, and told
+        me to toddle downstairs!
+
+  Which I don't wish to make a remark, sir, that might be unpleasant, but
+        while I was at it
+  I thought as I'd mention the matters that cause me continual worry and
+        din,
+  For if you excuse the expression, I ses, as for lettin' of lodgins',--oh,
+        drat it!
+  "_If it wasn't for makin' it out of their board_," sir,--by jingers, I'd
+        never let lodgins' agin!
+
+    (_From_ "THE PENNY SHOWMAN," _by permission of the Author and_
+      MR. SAMUEL FRENCH.)
+
+
+
+
+MY MATRIMONIAL PREDICAMENT.
+
+LEOPOLD WAGNER.
+
+
+I dare say a great many men in my situation would think themselves
+highly honoured; but, however this may strike others, I fell bound to
+confess that I am far from happy. The truth is, I have become so
+entangled in the meshes of a really romantic love affair, that I can see
+no possible hope of freeing myself. Let me hasten to explain.
+
+About twelve months ago I engaged myself to a pretty young girl, who,
+out of sheer fickleness--it could have been nothing else--jilted me. I
+was much cut up at the time, since I had learnt to grow very fond of
+her. A little while after, I began to take an interest in another pretty
+girl whom I came in contact with almost daily; but, as I had no means of
+getting properly introduced to her, I never spoke. By-and-by she
+disappeared, and I soon forgot her. Things went on with me in the usual
+way until, suddenly growing tired of my lonely existence, I advertised
+for "a nice young girl, thoroughly domesticated, able and willing to
+make a good-looking young bachelor happy;" adding, "Previous experience
+not necessary." In this way I actually found one who answered my
+expectations to the letter. We met, took the usual walks; and in the
+course of a week or two, I could see she loved me with her whole heart.
+The arrangments for our wedding were soon made. I procured the ring and
+keeper; then put up the banns. Now the house I live in is peculiarly
+situated. When I lie in bed, my head is in Blankshire, while my feet
+extend over the boundary-line into Chumpshire. This may appear a slight
+matter enough; and yet, I fancy, that if hard times should ever overtake
+me, I would have two different parishes to fall back upon. However, I
+found it necessary to publish the banns in both parishes; added to which
+my _fiancee_, who is, or rather was, a lady's maid, a mile or two away
+in another direction, must needs put them up in her own parish also. So
+that I ought to reckon myself very much married, when it's all over. But
+here comes my predicament.
+
+I forgot to mention that the girl who jilted me is godmother to my
+landlady's new baby. This slight relationship enables my landlady to
+take the liberty of corresponding with her; and the other day, as it
+transpires, she let slip the news of my approaching marriage. About the
+same time, I not only met, but had the pleasure of being introduced to,
+the second pretty girl at a concert. She, too, had heard of my marriage;
+and presently confessed that she loved me herself; that, in fact, she
+would never have left the neighbourhood if I had only once spoken to
+her. This put me about considerably; and I heartily wished my wedding
+was not so far advanced. Arrived home, I found a letter from the first
+girl imploring me to pause before it was too late, and begging my
+forgiveness for her past conduct. I took no notice of it; but the next
+day brought her over, to stay, invited by my landlady. It was impossible
+for me to offer any objection, as I was only a lodger myself. Still, the
+girl's manner was convincing. She threw herself into my arms, and begged
+I would postpone the ceremony, until she could really prove her devotion
+to me. This was rather awkward; for, almost on the instant, all my old
+love came back to me again, and I could not let her go.
+
+The following day I took her about a bit, when I fell in love with her
+more than ever. In the afternoon I even went so far as to write to her
+mother, asking her to drop over to tea on Sunday afternoon. That night
+I also introduced her to the second pretty girl--whom I must now speak
+of as Miss No. 3. To my great surprise, the two became fast friends. On
+the Sunday morning, when the little godmother heard my banns called out
+in church, she fainted right away, and had to be carried outside. For
+myself, I felt like listening to my own death-warrant. At tea-time the
+mother came over; so she and my landlady soon settled it between
+themselves, that the little godmother had the greatest right to me. In
+the middle of all this, my _fiancee_ turned up, when a lively scene
+ensued. Eventually I left the house with her, to explain matters. But
+nothing would satisfy her short of my marrying her, as she had the right
+to demand. She swore that if I did not go through with the ceremony, she
+would make away with herself. No; she had no intention of bringing up a
+breach of promise case, for she loved me too much. Poor girl; I pitied
+her from the bottom of my heart, and went straight back to my place to
+give the little godmother her _conge_. But when we reached the house, I
+found the latter stretched upon the floor in a dead faint; and my
+courage completely gave way. I could not make up my mind which of the
+two girls I liked the best, so begged for a little time to decide. My
+_fiancee_ went into the back parlour to cry, while I, in a frenzy of
+distraction, rushed first to one girl, then to the other; and at last
+into the open air, full butt against the third girl, who, brokenhearted,
+was coming to see me. I thought the best thing I could do would be to go
+for a walk and try to console her. I did; but this little walk turned
+out so delightful, that I forgot all about the other two girls, and fell
+madly in love with _her_! On our way back to my place, we met my
+_fiancee_ just leaving. I introduced and saw them both home. When I
+reached home myself, Miss. No. 1 had been put to bed; her mother had
+gone, while I was left to reflect upon my singular position. In the
+morning at breakfast, the girl came to me crying; hanging round my neck,
+and telling me how much she loved me. "Don't marry her, marry me!" she
+pleaded, as I left the house on business. During the day I redeemed a
+promise exacted from me by No. 3 to visit her, when she told me the same
+tale. I also received a letter from my _fiancee_, demanding whether or
+not I intended to go through the ceremony; failing which she would end
+her life by poison. This was very dreadful; I went to see her, and
+begged time for consideration.
+
+The fact is, I could not--nor can I yet--make up my mind which I like
+best. I love them all, and am convinced they each love me. Position has
+nothing whatever to do with it, for I am only a poor man. Had I money, I
+might perhaps square the difficulty with the mothers; but the girls
+themselves are above mercenary ideas. I am sure, nay, _positive_ that
+they love me for myself alone. They are not even unfriendly disposed
+towards each other, which is the most awkward part of the business. If
+they would only consent to be locked up in a room together and fight it
+out amongst themselves, I might be able to marry whichever one was left
+alive. But no such thing. Each swears she will not stand in the others'
+way, yet vows suicide if I do not individually marry _her_. The other
+morning, because I would not give her a decided "Yes," No. 1 ran out of
+the house to drown herself, and I arrived on the scene just in the nick
+of time to pull her back at the water's edge, by the bustle. A day or so
+afterwards, No. 3 put the same question to me, and noticing my
+hesitation, had well-nigh leapt upon the railway metals before I could
+prevent her. I didn't see my _fiancee_ that night: but at six o'clock
+the next morning, my landlady knocked me up to say that according to a
+message left with her late at night Miss No. 2 had poisoned herself. For
+an hour or so I was completely stunned; but after that time I dressed
+and ran to the house, to find that the whole affair was a hoax. I intend
+to be even with the fellow who played it on me, yet.
+
+This kind of thing has been going on for more than a week, and I feel
+worried to death. The latest is that, in addition to No. 1, both the
+other girls have taken up their residence with my landlady. I would fly
+if I could, but my business compels me to remain on the spot. The three
+girls follow me about everywhere. I never have a minute's peace. Though
+the greatest of friends, they are at the same time jealous of trusting
+each other alone with me, lest I should commit myself to any rash
+promise. I suppose I am one of those susceptible fellows who falls in
+love with any girl who may encourage him. It must be so. Yet these girls
+are every bit as nice as they are loving and _different_. No. 1 is very
+young and pretty; my _fiancee_ has a splendid figure, and is thoroughly
+domesticated; No. 3 is my counterpart in everything. I love them all,
+and can't for the life of me tell which I like the best. Whatever I do,
+it will be a case of suicide for two of them, or a couple of breach of
+promise actions for me. I ought to have stated before that the mothers
+have taken lodgings in the house as well, so that I am in for a nice
+thing! I would marry all three if the law allowed me; but though the
+girls themselves might not object, yet the prospect of _three_
+mothers-in-law is too much for one man to contemplate. The most sensible
+arrangement would be, I think, not to marry anybody, but to go on loving
+all three in a perfectly platonic manner until something happened to
+make two of them throw the game up. I dare say the girls would be
+willing enough--one of them even suggested it herself yesterday; but the
+mothers won't hear of such a thing, their purpose being to bring me to
+the point at once. I am a great favourite with the mothers too; and
+their solicitations that I should marry their respective daughters are
+almost as pressing as are those of the girls themselves. Really I am in
+a most uncomfortable position. Out of doors, as I walk along followed by
+these three young creatures, I am regarded as a noted character, and
+the people everywhere whisper, "There goes the young man with his three
+wives!" I shouldn't mind this in the least if only the mothers would
+pack up their traps and go about their business. But they won't; here
+they stick at my very elbow, calmly waiting for me to say whose daughter
+I really mean to marry. So long as I refuse to give an answer to all
+three, I am safe; but the business is getting just a little bit
+tiresome, and I should heartily like to see my way out of it.
+
+Was there ever anybody in such a predicament before! What shall I do?
+What can I do? Is there any charitably-disposed person here who can
+advise me? No? Then I am a doomed man, and must meet my fate resignedly.
+However, I vow and declare that if by any chance I _should_ get over
+this, I'll not repeat the experiment as long as I live.
+
+    (_Copyright of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+ETIQUETTE.
+
+W. S. GILBERT.
+
+
+  The _Ballyshannon_ foundered off the coast of Cariboo,
+  And down in fathoms many went the captain and the crew;
+  Down went the owners--greedy men whom hope of gain allured:
+  Oh, dry the starting tear, for they were heavily insured.
+
+  Besides the captain and the mate, the owners and the crew,
+  The passengers were also drowned excepting only two:
+  Young PETER GRAY, who tasted teas for BARBER, CROOP, AND CO.,
+  And SOMERS, who from Eastern shores imported indigo.
+
+  These passengers, by reason of their clinging to a mast,
+  Upon a desert island were eventually cast.
+  They hunted for their meals, as ALEXANDER SELKIRK used,
+  But they couldn't chat together--they had not been introduced.
+
+  For PETER GRAY, and SOMERS too, though certainly in trade,
+  Were properly particular about the friends they made;
+  And somehow thus they settled it without a word of mouth--
+  That GRAY should take the northern half, while SOMERS took the south.
+
+  On PETER'S portion oysters grew--a delicacy rare,
+  But oysters were a delicacy PETER couldn't bear.
+  On SOMERS' side was turtle, on the shingle lying thick,
+  Which SOMERS couldn't eat, because it always made him sick.
+
+  GRAY gnashed his teeth with envy as he saw a mighty store
+  Of turtle unmolested on his fellow-creature's shore.
+  The oysters at his feet aside impatiently he shoved,
+  For turtle and his mother were the only things he loved.
+
+  And SOMERS sighed in sorrow as he settled in the south,
+  For the thought of PETER'S oysters brought the water to his mouth.
+  He longed to lay him down upon the shelly bed, and stuff;
+  He had often eaten oysters, but had never had enough.
+
+  How they wished an introduction to each other they had had
+  When on board the _Ballyshannon_! And it drove them nearly mad,
+  To think how very friendly with each other they might get,
+  If it wasn't for the arbitrary rule of etiquette!
+
+  One day when out hunting for the _mus ridiculus_,
+  GRAY overheard his fellow-man soliloquising thus:
+  "I wonder how the playmates of my youth are getting on,
+  MCCONNELL, S. B. WALTERS, PADDY BYLES, and ROBINSON?"
+
+  These simple words made PETER as delighted as could be,
+  Old chummies at the Charterhouse were ROBINSON and he!
+  He walked straight up to SOMERS, then he turned extremely red,
+  Hesitated, hummed and hawed a bit, then cleared his throat, and said:
+
+  "I beg your pardon--pray forgive me if I seem too bold,
+  But you have breathed a name I knew familiarly of old.
+  You spoke aloud of ROBINSON--I happened to be by.
+  You know him?" "Yes, extremely well." "Allow me, so do I."
+
+  It was enough: they felt they could more pleasantly get on,
+  For (ah, the magic of the fact!) they each knew ROBINSON!
+  And MR. SOMERS' turtle was at PETER'S service quite,
+  And MR. SOMERS punished PETER'S oyster-beds all night.
+
+  They soon became like brothers from community of wrongs:
+  They wrote each other little odes and sang each other songs;
+  They told each other anecdotes disparaging their wives;
+  On several occasions, too, they saved each other's lives.
+
+  They felt quite melancholy when they parted for the night,
+  And got up in the morning soon as ever it was light;
+  Each other's pleasant company they reckoned so upon,
+  And all because it happened that they both knew ROBINSON!
+
+  They lived for many years on that inhospitable shore,
+  And day by day they learned to love each other more and more.
+  At last, to their astonishment, on getting up one day,
+  They saw a frigate anchored in the offing of the bay.
+
+  To PETER an idea occurred, "Suppose we cross the main?
+  So good an opportunity may not be found again."
+  And SOMERS thought a minute, then ejaculated, "Done!
+  I wonder how my business in the City's getting on?"
+
+  "But stay," said MR. PETER: "when in England, as you know,
+  I earned a living tasting teas for BARBER, CROOP, AND CO.,
+  I may be superseded--my employers think me dead!"
+  "Then come with me," said SOMERS, "and taste indigo instead."
+
+  But all their plans were scattered in a moment when they found,
+  The vessel was a convict ship from Portland outward bound;
+  When a boat came off to fetch them, though they felt it very kind,
+  To go on board they firmly but respectfully declined.
+
+  As both the happy settlers roared with laughter at the joke,
+  They recognised a gentlemanly fellow pulling stroke:
+  'Twas ROBINSON--a convict, in an unbecoming frock!
+  Condemned to seven years for misappropriating stock!!!
+
+  They laughed no more, for SOMERS thought he had been rather rash
+  In knowing one whose friend had misappropriated cash;
+  And PETER thought a foolish tack he must have gone upon
+  In making the acquaintance of a friend of ROBINSON.
+
+  At first they didn't quarrel very openly, I've heard;
+  They nodded when they met, and now and then exchanged a word:
+  The word grew rare, and rarer still the nodding of the head,
+  And when they meet each other now, they cut each other dead.
+
+  To allocate the island they agreed by word of mouth,
+  And PETER takes the north again, and SOMERS takes the south;
+  And PETER has the oysters, which he hates in layers thick,
+  And SOMERS has the turtle--turtle always makes him sick.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+A LOST SHEPHERD.
+
+FRANK BARRETT.
+
+
+Winklehaven was once a very bad place. Roads, trade,
+drainage--everything was as bad as it could be. The fishermen were bad,
+and beat their wives, and their wives were bad and deserved all the
+beating they got, and more. The fish caught there was bad before it went
+to market. The very parson was bad, and preached the excisemen to sleep
+whilst Red Robert and Black Bill ran their cargo of smuggled bad brandy.
+
+Families who should have been respectable were not. Parents whipped
+their children into rebellion and then cut them off with shillings--bad
+ones, of course. Wards defied their guardians, and invariably fell in
+love contrary to the arrangements of their seniors. All the young men
+ran away with all the eligible young women.
+
+The natural result was that after a dozen years from the time when
+Winklehaven stood at its worst, the population of the town consisted of
+infirm old people suffering from remorse, gout, and other afflictions
+proceeding from the excesses of youth, and such spinsters as were
+rejected by the young rakes of the preceding era. The moral aspect of
+the place changed in those years; it was no longer unholy, but, indeed,
+the most virtuous of human settlements.
+
+The fishermen were too old and weak to beat their wives, and their
+failing memories could supply them with no oaths suitable to express
+their feelings. The wicked parson and the smugglers were no more; there
+wasn't a young man in the place, and the ladies who called themselves
+young were irreproachable.
+
+It might strike the unthinking as an extraordinary peculiarity that a
+place so very, very good should require a curate in addition to a deaf
+rector. Nevertheless such was the case--a curate was wanted, and wanted
+very much by the congregation of St. Tickleimpit's--the unblemished
+spinsters, who called themselves young. They would have a curate, and
+Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., they had.
+
+Now as the snow falls like a veil of purity over the face of the earth,
+only to melt and besmirch it before the lasting season of blossoming
+sweetness, so Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., came to Winklehaven and passed
+away before it attained to its present buttercup-and-daisy condition of
+virtue; and the manner of his going this pen shall tell.
+
+Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., was a curate of the deepest dye. He had not
+so much principle as a bankrupt, and he came to Winklehaven with the
+settled purpose of marrying the richest and least objectionable of his
+congregation. The difficulties in his way were few. In personal
+appearance and demeanour he was so simple and sweet that even the rector
+was mistaken and thought him a fool, and what more could a girl of
+five-and-forty desire?
+
+It was not a question which he _could_ marry from amongst the eighteen
+or twenty tempting creatures around him, but rather which he should
+reject. They surrounded him like a glory wherever he went, waiting for
+him at his coming out and never leaving him until his going in. Seldom
+less than half-a-dozen spinsters accompanied him; they liked him too
+much and each other too little to trust him with one alone. And they
+wrote letters to him marked "private," containing the burning thoughts
+they dared not express in the presence of their sisters. Each was
+tantamount to an offer of marriage; but he was yet undecided in his
+selection, and replied to all with touching yet ambiguous texts. At this
+time he suffered somewhat from bile, for his most active exercise was
+wool-winding, and the ladies buttered his toast on both sides and the
+edges.
+
+But anon there came a man with a black beard and a devil-may-care aspect
+to Winklehaven, and took for six months the cottage on the deserted West
+Cliff, which had belonged to Black Bill in the bad old times.
+
+The stranger snubbed the inquisitive tradesman of whom he bought his
+groceries; he ordered his bacon by the side, his beer by the barrel, and
+his whisky by the largest of stone bottles. He laughed aloud when he
+passed in the High Street Mr. Lambe with the three Misses Cockle on one
+side of him, and the three Misses Crabbe on the other. The ladies had
+not any doubt that he was a bold bad man, and declared one and all that
+nothing would tempt them to venture upon that dreadful West Cliff.
+
+But, sinners being so few, they could not but feel interested in this
+man with the black beard and dark eyes, and when he came not to church
+on Sunday they implored the rector to visit him.
+
+The rector said he would not go (and privately swore it, in episcopal
+terms, for he hated walking and sinners equally), but he offered the
+services of his curate; and the congregation, though it fain would have
+spared its pet curate so dangerous a mission, could not refuse to
+accept.
+
+Mr. Lillywhite Lambe, B.A., found it difficult to conceal his delight at
+the prospect before him, for an excess of ladies and butter was killing
+him. He had not enjoyed half an hour's freedom in the open air since his
+arrival at Winklehaven; it seemed to him years since he smoked a morning
+pipe. His bowels yearned towards beer from the barrel and whiskey from
+stone jars.
+
+That last evening he was ever to spend in his lodgings at Winklehaven he
+occupied in preparations for the morrow. He looked up the pipe he had
+brought with him but never smoked, and tobacco--dry and dusty, yet
+fragrant as hay new mown, and pipe-lights, and a French novel; these he
+stuffed into the pockets of his alpaca coat, ingeniously overlaying them
+with his pamphlet confuting the doctrines of the Primitive Bedlamites.
+In the morning he rose gaily; and when he had parted with his anxious
+flock at the foot of the west hill, he ascended the steep path, like a
+cherub climbing a cloud, without sense of exertion, and as one who is
+resolved to make a day of it.
+
+A walk of two miles was before him, but he did not hurry himself after
+he had lost sight of the spinsters and the church weathercock. He
+stopped, took off his collar and band, bared his shirt front to the
+breeze, and took a deep inspiration. Then he threw himself on the thymy
+grass and tasted liberty. He smoked three pipes; he read two chapters
+and a half of the novel, skipping the moral parts; he dropped the book,
+turned over on his chest, and with his clerical hat tilted sideways over
+his eyes, he watched the distant ships for half an hour; after that he
+lay on his back, drew a handkerchief over his eyes and went to sleep. He
+slumbered for two blessed hours, and then waking athirst, thought kindly
+of the sinner who kept his beer in barrels and whisky in cool stoneware.
+
+So he pulled himself into Evangelical shape again and stepped out
+briskly for the smuggler's cottage, smacking his lips. But, alas, the
+cottage door was barred, and there was no trace of the black-bearded
+sinner, save a flitch of bacon and the beer barrel which stood in the
+most inaccessible of pantries.
+
+He must wait. Once more he sat upon the short grass, and to beguile the
+time, drew out the budget of letters sent by his admiring congregation.
+He read them through, one after another, with the view of forming a
+comparative estimate of the writer's value, but the difficulty of
+selecting one seemed greater than ever.
+
+The temporal and spiritual worth of each was represented by
+_x_. With the chance of facilitating his choice he had recourse
+to his pencil, with which he was tolerably skilful, and on the
+back of each letter he drew a portrait of its sender. These
+spinsters were beyond flattery, so he caricatured them to find
+which must certainly be rejected as the worst looking.
+
+In this amusing occupation the time would have passed unheeded but for
+Mr. Lambe's increasing dryness. There was no water to be had, no, nor
+wine, and the interior of the young curate's mouth felt like brown paper
+to his tongue. It suddenly came to his mind that a dip in the cool sea
+would refresh his body, now suffering from external in addition to
+internal dryness. For the hour was two, the month July, and the sun
+unclouded, and he determined at once to bathe, wondering why he had not
+availed himself of this blessing of freedom. Except in a footbath he had
+not bathed during the term of his curacy at Winklehaven. How could he,
+where there was neither seclusion nor bathing machine?
+
+The tide was at ebb, and a long stretch of sand lay between the cliff
+and the sea; but near the water's edge stood a rock, and thither Mr.
+Lambe betook himself. On the cliff side was a little shelf dried by the
+sun, and on this he laid his clothes neatly; then with a smile
+irradiating his countenance, he slapped his thin legs and ran down into
+the bursting waves. Quickly he lost all thought of thirst--of
+everything, save the enjoyment of the moment. He swam in every
+conceivable position, bent in girlish fashion to meet the coming waves,
+and floundered about like a porpoise.
+
+It was whilst turning over head and heels that he caught sight of that
+which, in a moment, sobered him--a petticoat upon the cliff--another,
+another! yet others, each with a wearer! They were not a thousand yards
+from the cottage on the cliff--those ladies whose outlines he
+recognised, even at their remote distance from him. Full well he knew
+they had come to look for him. What was he to do? How could he face
+them, how avoid? He had thought to dry himself like a raisin in the sun;
+that now was impossible. Equally impracticable was it to clothe himself
+wet; before he had a sock on he would be observed, for there was no
+ledge upon the sea-ward side of the rock, and the flowing waves already
+touched its base.
+
+The only place of concealment was behind the rock, and there he must
+stay until the ladies retired.
+
+He lay in the water, and through a chink in the rock watched his
+pursuers; their voices, in high-pitched consultation, reached his ear.
+
+They examined the cottage on the cliff, and then descended to the rocks
+at its base. It was only natural that the ladies should think their
+beloved curate murdered. They had not seen him for six hours; and his
+destruction at the hands of the black-bearded man was the worst
+explanation of his protracted absence that entered their imagination.
+This fear had led them to follow in his footsteps; and now, as they
+poked their sun-shades in the fissures of the rocks, it was with the
+expectation of finding his corpse.
+
+Mr. Lambe was fervently thankful that the rising tide kept them from his
+place of concealment, and watched their movements fixedly, until the
+cramp seized his leg; and then, in the limited space of his seclusion,
+he exercised his ingenuity to keep the vital heat within him.
+
+Occasionally he glanced at the shore. When the ladies were fatigued,
+they systematically divided their number--one going to search, whilst
+the other rested. Hour after hour passed, and every minute brought fresh
+cramps and racking pains to the limbs of the sodden curate. He had to
+put his lips between his teeth, lest their violent chattering should
+proclaim his whereabouts; and he cried like a child when he found his
+body assuming the blue tints of an unboiled lobster.
+
+But still those doting spinsters poked amongst the sea-weed with
+unceasing zeal.
+
+The sun was wearing the horizon, when he heard a scream, and beheld the
+second Miss Cockle pointing in the direction of his rock.
+
+Mr. Lambe was perplexed: it was impossible that his eye, peeping through
+the small chink, had been discovered; but a moment later his perplexity
+gave place to horror, as he perceived his hat bobbing gaily on the waves
+between him and the shore. It was followed by his stockings, and behind
+them in procession his waistcoat, coat--everything! all washed away from
+the nice little ledge by the rising tide. He had never given his clothes
+a thought from the moment he neatly packed them. But had that
+consideration entered his mind, it could only have added to his anxiety:
+for it would have been impossible to get them from the place where they
+lay on the coast-side of the rock without displaying himself. Heedless
+of their boots, the ladies hooked at the oncoming vestments with their
+sunshades; and, now, one has his collar, another his dear hat, and a
+third his blessed braces, whilst their cries of woe echo along the
+coast.
+
+When his coat was fished out, what could be expected, but that the
+ladies all should dash at his pockets with a view to gratifying their
+curiosity, and rescuing the letters which betrayed their most private
+feelings.
+
+With groans, Mr. Lambe beheld his pipe and tobacco brought forth, amidst
+cries of astonishment, then the French novel; and, finally, the bundle
+of letters. He could not bear to see the result, when each, seizing the
+letter in her own handwriting, should find her caricature thereon; and
+dropping his head, he beat it with his fist--partly in frenzy, partly to
+promote the circulation of his stagnating blood.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The black-bearded man returned to the cottage as the ladies, carrying
+the only remains they could find of their curate, were leaving his
+vicinity. He was not displeased that he was later than usual in
+returning; for although he loved the beautiful, he did not like the
+ladies of Winklehaven.
+
+He lived by painting pictures, this pariah of the West Cliff;
+nevertheless, he had some good qualities, and when half an hour later a
+nude study, shivering and wet, presented itself in his doorway craving
+to be taken in out of the night wind, he asked no question until he had
+wrapped him in warm blankets, and filled him with strong liquors.
+
+Mr. Lillywhite Lambe never returned to his curacy, never married a rich
+spinster. His disappearance was not inquired into deeply. Some people
+preferred to think of him as dead and sainted. He was supposed to be
+drowned, and his ghost was said to be visible at times upon the West
+Cliff--generally with a pipe in his mouth. And as his costume was that
+of the black man, who was habitually at his side, it was further
+supposed that he had, in that first visit to the cottage on the cliff,
+sold himself to the D----.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+A MATHEMATIC MADNESS.
+
+F. P. DEMPSTER.
+
+
+  For months I had been "grinding" Mathematics day and night
+  When Miss McGirton cast on my affections such a blight;
+  My mind unhinged now only creaks, and when I tell my woes
+  I'm forced to lisp in _numbers_ what I'd rather say in prose.
+
+  Sweet maiden _perpendicular_! She gave a _slanting_ sigh
+  As o'er my kneeling form she cast a calculating eye.
+  "Ah! well" said I, "you _cipher_ me, for if you'll not be mine
+  From out this pocket next my heart I'll _straight produce a line_;
+  So ere you are, dear _Polly_, _gone_, pray heed your lover's vow,
+  Or he dangles _at right angles_ to some _horizontal_ bough."
+
+  The maid flew in no _frustrum_--like your giddy gushing girls--
+  But standing calm and frigid, shook her strictly _spiral_ curls,
+  And said, "You see we're equal as to station: very well!
+  _Our paths in life could never meet, because they're parallel._"
+
+  Her voice was so serrated that I fled this maid antique;
+  Then, approaching her _obliquely_, _at a tangent_ took her cheek!
+  The kiss was too _elliptical_! She vanished into space!
+  And a circulating obelisk now marks the fatal place.
+
+  Weeks fled. My doctor shook his head and said, "You must embark
+  For an utter change." I did: and went aboard a leaky _Arc_
+  Bound for the hot _Quadratics_, where I landed for a week,
+  And joined the aborigines in every savage freak.
+  I felled primeval forests with the _axes of a cube_,
+  At the feathery _Parabolas_ I aimed the loaded tube;
+  (For while aboard the Arc, you see, I found on _deck a gun_,
+  And, cunning as a Crusoe, put it by for future fun.)
+  While safe within some _brackets_ I have watched those bulky brutes,
+  The snorting _Parallelograms_ that feed upon _square roots_;
+  Their noise would rouse the forest till each denizen therein
+  Woke up and did its "level best" to swell the horrid din.
+  Oh! the shrieking of the _Cylinder_! the _Pyramid's base_ moan,
+  The clucking of the _Sector_ and the cooing of the _Cone_!
+  Then a lull perhaps, while distant ululations would reveal
+  The natives chanting grace before their missionary meal.
+  In truth it was an evil place, for a _Vinculum_ might rise
+  At any moment in your path and wobble its wild eyes;
+  And oft, when looking for a _log_ I'd shake in ev'ry joint
+  For fear some deadly _Decimal_ might sting me with its _point_.
+  At last I plucked up courage, though, and even gained renown
+  In getting gallant trophies for my home in Camden Town:
+  I killed the cruel _Quatrefoil_ to take her snarling cub,
+  Or doubled up a cannibal to get his graven club;
+  I trapped the roaring _Rhombuses_, those beasts of fearful strength,
+  And the _Parallelopipedon_, a snake of awful length;
+  Oft I bestrode the _Algebra_ and charged in wild career
+  The proud opaque _Hypotenuse_ and jabbed him with my spear.
+
+  'Tis past! I'm now in London: yet my reason's all awry.
+  I'm yearning for a vanished maid who gave a slanting sigh.
+  Nor may we meet in Dreamland: e'en there I'm robbed of rest,
+  For a wizened old _Trapezium_ sits sulking on my chest;
+  Or two _triangles_ she jangles with a semilunar leer,
+  Till I wake--with hair erect--in one _diagonal_ of fear!
+  And mark to the clang of _symbols_, phantom figures march all day
+  In _co-efficient_ cohorts--_Major Axis_ leads the way.
+  In short, from early morn until I shuffle off to bed,
+  But one equation's clear to me,--_o_=_ayz_.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+WAITING AT TOTTLEPOT.
+
+J. ASHBY-STERRY.
+
+
+An hour to wait! Well that's a nuisance, but I suppose there is no help
+for it.
+
+I cannot possibly go on without my portmanteau. And they may send the
+wrong one after all. I believe my friend the dismal porter--the faded
+misanthrope in corduroys, only telegraphed for a brown portmanteau.
+There are probably twenty brown portmanteaux at this present moment
+waiting at Jigby Junction, and if I know anything of railway officials,
+they will be sure to send the wrong one. So here I must wait.
+
+I suppose I must have made a mistake in the train. No trap, dog-cart, or
+conveyance of any kind to meet me from Clewmere. Wonder whether they had
+my telegram. The Faded Misanthrope says he is quite certain nothing has
+been over from Clewmere since the day before yesterday. And then he says
+Sir Charles and some of the young ladies came in the waggonette. They
+waited to see two trains in, he told me, and then drove away saying
+there must be some mistake. Hope I did not say Tuesday instead of
+Thursday, or what is far more likely, write Thursday to look like
+Tuesday. I ask my friend the porter if there is any other way of getting
+to Clewmere. "No," he says, "it is a longish walk, a matter of twelve or
+thirteen miles, and a pretty rough road too."
+
+"Now," he says "if it had only been Saturday instead of Thursday, there
+is Smaggleton's 'bus, as 'ud put you down within five minutes' walk of
+the lodge. Smaggleton don't run every day, he don't; he only runs o'
+Saturdays, bein' market day at Stamborough, and a pooty full load he
+gets there and back, which pays Smaggleton very well. And Smaggleton
+wants it," he continues, "what with the branch line to Stamborough,
+Smaggleton's business ain't what it was; he can't afford to turn up his
+nose at a few farmers and their missusses now-a-days. Smaggleton must
+take things as they come--the good and the bad, the rough and the
+smooth--as well as the rest of us. Lor, bless you, Sir, I recollect when
+Smaggleton used to drive about in his dog-cart, in a light top coat, a
+white hat and a rose in his button-hole, he always was quite the----"
+
+As I do not feel particularly interested in the rise, progress or
+downfall of Smaggleton, I am obliged to interrupt my garrulous friend,
+and ask if they did not let out flys at the Crackleton Arms, hard by. He
+informs me, they certainly do "in a usual way." But he adds, they have
+only two flys. One is having something done to the wheels, and the other
+went away early this morning to take some friends of Squire Bullamore's
+to a pic-nic. He furthermore tells me that Cudgerry, the carrier, would
+perhaps be able to give me a lift, but he would not be here till seven
+o'clock this evening. As they dine at Clewmere at eight, of course
+Cudgerry is quite out of the question. My friend shakes his head, he
+retires into a dark, greasy room, which seems to be devoted to lamps,
+and I continue my walk up and down the platform.
+
+Cannot imagine why they ever built a station at Tottlepot. Nobody ever
+wants to stop at Tottlepot, there is no trade at Tottlepot--indeed,
+nobody ought to be allowed to stop at Tottlepot; and Tottlepot as a
+Station ought to be forthwith disestablished and erased from the railway
+map of Great Britain. If I had left the train at Jigby Junction, I
+should not have lost my portmanteau, I could have hired a fly, and
+should by this time have been quietly lunching at Clewmere Court instead
+of pacing up and down the Tottlepot platform like a wild beast in his
+den.
+
+I have often waited at stations before. Every kind of station, little
+and big, all over the Continent and England, and have generally found
+that waiting productive of considerable amusement. But Tottlepot is
+quite a different thing. I think it was Albert Smith who once spoke of
+the depth of dulness being achieved by "spending a wet Sunday, all by
+yourself, in a hack cab in the middle of Salisbury Plain." Had he been
+compelled to wait on a fine Thursday at Tottlepot he would have
+discovered a depth yet lower. The only thing in my favour is, it is
+fine. If it were wet I cannot imagine what I should do. There is a small
+room I see labelled "Waiting-Room." It is about the size of a
+bathing-machine and half filled with parcels and bandboxes. If you had
+to wait there you would be compelled to sit with your legs right across
+the down platform; the only use of that waiting-room would be to keep
+your hat dry.
+
+There is not a refreshment room, there is not even a book-stall. I cannot
+even cheer myself with an ancient bath bun, a glass of cloudy beer, or
+two penny-worth of acidulated drops. (If there happened to be a
+refreshment room at Tottlepot that is exactly the kind of refreshment
+they would give you). Neither can I pass away the time by purchasing a
+penny paper, and taking a free read of all the novels and publications
+awaiting purchasers. There are no advertisements, no lovely oil
+paintings of sea-side resorts, which are all the more charming from
+being not the least like the place they are supposed to represent; there
+are no bills of entertainments; no auctioneers' and house-agents'
+notices; no posters concerning hotels, nor glass-cases containing
+photographic specimens. It is just the place for Mark Tapley to come to
+as station-master. And he, with all his power of being jolly under the
+most disadvantageous circumstances, would probably be found under the
+wheels of a passing express within a fortnight.
+
+And talking about the station-master reminds me I have not yet seen
+him. Possibly my friend, the Faded Misanthrope in corduroys, is
+station-master. If so, he has to clean the lamps, send telegrams, take
+and issue tickets, look after the baggage, attend to the signals,
+cultivate his garden, pay visits to the Crackleton Arms, and superintend
+the traffic of the station generally. I do not wonder at his appearing
+to be somewhat depressed. The only thing of a lively nature I see about
+the place is a fine black cat, with enormous green eyes, which might be
+utilised as "caution" signals when the porter, in consequence of his
+multifarious duties, was unable to reach the signal-box. This cat was
+evidently very much pleased to see me indeed. It followed me up and down
+the platform like a dog, and it purred like a saw-pit in full work.
+
+A very tiny pale governess, with two big bouncing rosy girls, in the
+highest of spirits, the shortest of petticoats and the longest of hair,
+cross the line. I fancy those young ladies are daughters of the Vicar,
+and I may meet their excellent mamma at dinner to-night. The governess
+passes demurely through the side wicket. One of her charges tries to do
+a sort of Blondin feat by walking along the glistening iron rail and
+falls down; the eldest boldly clambers over the five-barred gate and
+shows a shapely pair of legs, clad in sable hose and snow-white frilled
+pantalettes. "What did I tell you, Lil?" says the governess in the
+mildest voice to the first. "Very well, Gil, wait till we get home!" she
+remarks in yet sweeter tones to the second. The two children rejoin her
+at once and take her hand, and disappear down the lane. I am left to
+wonder how she acquires this influence over them, for they are as tall
+as she is and infinitely stronger--they could eat her, were they so
+minded. I wonder too what will happen to Gil when they get home? Will
+mamma be told? No, I fancy this mild little governess is quite equal to
+controlling, unaided, these big bouncing girls.
+
+My friend the porter has by this time got through a quantity of business
+of a varied nature, and is enjoying a little light relaxation by digging
+violently in his garden. He has taken off his jacket, and a good deal of
+his depression seems to have been removed at the same time--it _must_ be
+depressing to be compelled to reside in a somewhat tight corduroy jacket
+all your life--and as he digs he hums to himself a sort of merry dirge.
+I endeavour to enter into the spirit of the thing, and sympathise with
+him in his relaxation. I say cheerfully, as if I knew all about it, "Ah!
+nice fine weather for the----!" I cannot for the life of me think what
+it is nice fine weather for. My friend says, "Eh?" I observe he is not
+so respectful in his private as in his porterial capacity. I reply,
+"Quite so!" whereupon he rejoins, "Ha! but we could do wi' a bit o' rain
+for the----." Cannot catch remainder of his sentence; but I never yet
+met a gardener who couldn't "do wi' a bit o' rain" for something or
+other.
+
+We begin to be quite voluble on the subject of plants and crops. I find
+he knows so much more on the subject than I do, but I merely nod my head
+and smile weakly and presently move quietly away. When I reach the other
+end of the platform I hear the sharp jingle of the telegraph bell and
+the jerk of the signal levers. Presently a very prim and neat
+station-master appears, who looks as if he had just been turned out of
+one of the band-boxes in the waiting room. There is also a very active
+boy porter, who is apparently trying to run over the station-master with
+a truck. My old friend is walking slowly along the platform. He has left
+the gay horticulturist in the garden, and has assumed the Faded
+Misanthrope with his corduroy jacket. He tells me that the train is now
+coming--the one that will bring my portmanteau. The train presently
+stops; a few dazed agriculturists, and a very stout fussy old lady,
+half-a-dozen milk cans, and my portmanteau are put out.
+
+I am gazing at the latter to be quite sure it is my own, when I hear
+myself addressed by name. I turn round and see a smart groom whose face
+I know well. "Anything else beside the portmanteau, sir?" he says,
+touching his hat. "Sir Charles is outside with the waggonette; the new
+pair is a little bit fresh, and he don't like to leave 'em."
+
+That is all right. I think to myself I shall dine at Clewmere after all.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+MARRIED TO A GIANTESS.
+
+WALTER PARKE.
+
+
+I loved her with all my heart, and, indeed, it took all my heart to
+accomplish the feat; for, in sooth, there was a great deal--a very great
+deal--of her to love. Although only "sweet seventeen," she had reached
+the commanding stature of nine feet nine inches, and, to use the words
+of a familiar advertisement, she was "still growing."
+
+From my childhood I had doated on the gigantic, loved the lofty, admired
+the massive, and had a weakness for strength. The tales I best loved
+were those of giants.
+
+Can you wonder, then, that when I heard that the celebrated Samothracian
+Giantess, Goliathina Immensikoff, from the wilds of Wallachia, the
+largest woman in the world, was approaching London, my soul was stirred
+by the news as by a trumpet-call? I read with the deepest interest the
+accounts of her antecedents. I learnt how she was discovered in the
+Wilds of Wallachia by Whiteley, the World's Provider, who had "taken her
+from the bosom of her family"--and here I could not help exclaiming,
+"What a stupendous 'bosom' that 'family' must have had!"
+
+As I reclined on my sofa, smoking the largest possible meerschaum, and
+reading with absorbing interest these accounts of one who was certainly
+"born to greatness," I suddenly came to a terrific and almost appalling
+resolve. Involuntarily I exclaimed, aloud, "She shall be mine!"
+
+Yet how could I hope for success? To win so great a being one must be
+not only a lady-killer, but a giant-killer also; and though I bear a
+"big" name myself--Hector Gogmagog--Nature has denied me either
+extraordinary personal attractions or lofty stature. How hopeless, then,
+for me to aspire to the affection of the Monumental Maiden of
+Samothracia! Five feet five pitted against nine feet nine is to be
+pitted indeed!
+
+But love laughs at obstacles. That evening I went to the Royal Escurial
+Theatre, where Mademoiselle Goliathina was performing, and sat
+enthralled to witness her impersonation of the Queen of Brobdingnag. The
+pictures had not exaggerated. She was "every inch a queen"--a phrase of
+some significance when the number of inches mounts up to one hundred and
+seventeen.
+
+The next step was to get an introduction. This I accomplished to my
+satisfaction, and though at first naturally overawed by her Leviathan
+aspect, thenceforward my wooing proceeded rapidly. I had several
+interviews with the colossal charmer, at which I had the satisfaction of
+discovering that I was more in her eyes than some other men who were
+nearer to herself in point of stature. Words of encouragement coming
+from those lips, so near and yet so far away, words spoken in soft
+Wallachian, yet in tones that Stentor might have envied--elevated me to
+the seventh heaven of pride and delight. I already felt taller by
+inches--but what was _that_ to her nine feet nine?
+
+I sent her the very biggest bouquets, such as occupied a whole hansom
+cab each; love letters, their weight barely covered by eight stamps; and
+valentines that would only go by parcels delivery.
+
+All this had its effect. She would have been less than woman, instead of
+a very great deal _more_--had she been insensible to my devotion. Can I
+ever forget what the poet ecstatically calls "the first kiss of
+love"--how, at considerable inconvenience to herself, she bent that
+statuesque form to accommodate herself to my limited stature? That
+_was_, indeed, "stooping to conquer."
+
+Yet with all this encouragement, it was in fear and trembling that I
+approached the momentous question. Fancy a refusal from those lips. It
+would be crushing indeed!
+
+"Dearest Goliathina," I said, standing upon the head of the sofa, in
+order to place myself upon something like her own exalted level, "say,
+oh, say you will be mine. You may be sure of my lifelong devotion. You
+will be all in all to me, and, in fact, much more than all; for you are
+far too large to be merely my better half. I shall always make much of
+you, and look up to you as one infinitely above me. Fortunately, I have
+a large heart; but as you occupy it entirely, it would be perfectly
+impossible for me to find room for any other object. Were you to reject
+me, there would be an immeasurable void in my life, and who else is
+capable of filling it?"
+
+She was evidently affected; for what the poet calls a "big round
+tear"--and goodness knows _how_ big round tear it was in this
+case--could be perceived starting from each of her moonlike eyes. I
+clasped her hand--which in point of length was a _foot_--and she did not
+withdraw it.
+
+"Fondest Hector," she responded, "I am thine!"
+
+And she leant her head upon my shoulder. I staggered; but by the
+exertion of all my strength I was able for some moments to sustain that
+delicious burden.
+
+Our wedding took place before the Registrar, who, being of a nervous
+temperament, was so overwhelmed at the towering dimensions of the bride,
+that he could scarcely get through the ceremony. It was all as private
+as so abnormal an affair could possibly be kept, and for a time the
+famous female colossus figured no longer at the Royal Escurial as Queen
+Brobdingnag, a substitute only six feet two inches having been provided.
+
+Marrying a giantess has its inconveniences. I had to have a house built
+with exceptionally lofty rooms and doors ten feet high, with furniture
+on a corresponding scale. An ordinary carriage was of no use to my wife,
+whose size also frightened the horses; so we had a sort of triumphal car
+built, drawn by a circus elephant. It was expensive, but an excellent
+advertisement in a theatrical sense. She could never walk out without
+being mobbed, and terrifying babies. She dared not visit a friend's
+house for fear of frightening the children and destroying the furniture.
+And fancy her at a dance! Moreover, our housekeeping expenses were
+something frightful.
+
+Anon, darker shadows hovered around our domestic sphere. Her temper
+proved to be at times uncertain. At the least attempt to thwart any of
+her strange caprices, she grew infuriated; and when annoyed, she had a
+way of putting me on the top of a high bookcase, or locking me up in a
+cupboard, box, or trunk--for I have said all our belongings were on a
+gigantic scale--which was peculiarly humiliating.
+
+About this time we became acquainted with Morlock Mastodon, Drum-Major
+to his highness the Grand Duke of Samothracia. The Major, though of
+small stature compared with my wife, was considered a giant by ordinary
+men, being seven feet ten in height. My fondness for giants rendered
+him an eligible acquaintance to me. Mrs. Gogmagog naturally took to one
+of her own gigantic species; and the Major was pleased to say that ours
+was the only comfortable and commodious house in England--he meant the
+only one in which the doors were ten feet high, and the chair-seats four
+feet from the ground. Anyhow, he soon made himself at home with us--too
+_much_ at home, as I couldn't help thinking. I didn't mind him and my
+wife being good friends; but when, in their gigantic loftiness, they
+seemed to overlook me altogether, I began to entertain natural feelings
+of jealousy. Besides, the Major owed me money--large sums in proportion
+to his size, which he had borrowed under the obviously false pretence
+that he was "_very short_ just now;" and he seemed in no hurry to pay it
+back. What could I do? It was rather a risky thing to expostulate with a
+man of seven feet ten; and to turn him out of the house would have been
+a task altogether beyond my physical strength. At all events I could
+resolve that he should never enter it again; and I gave strict
+injunctions that always in future when Major Mastodon called there was
+to be "nobody at home."
+
+Moreover, I actually summoned up courage to tell my wife of my
+resolution, and even to remonstrate with her upon her own demeanour
+towards the gallant and gigantic Major. Then she got into a rage. And
+_such_ a rage! Heavens! what had I done? What would become of me? I was
+as one who had called down upon his devoted head the wrath of the gods
+or of the Titans.
+
+She drew herself up to her full height of nearly ten feet, her eyes
+glared like those of a demoniac, and grasping my arm in her Herculean
+clutch, she lifted me bodily from the ground.
+
+"Hands off!" I exclaimed, struggling. "Hit one your own size!"
+
+"_My_ own size!" she thundered, in a _contralto profundo_ voice that
+shook the very roof. "Where am I to find 'em? The only person
+approximating to my own size you have forbidden the house. You--_you_
+dare try and control my actions--you, whom I could crush like a
+blue-bottle--attempt to dictate to _me_! I will stand this no longer.
+You have offended me once too often. You die!"
+
+"Beware, fearful female!" I gasped. "Colossal as you are, the arm of the
+law is still longer and even stronger than yours. Kill me, and you will
+assuredly die for it!"
+
+She gave a laugh of scorn.
+
+"Me?" she cried. "Do you believe they would hang _me_? No; I am above
+all laws, and I have sworn that you shall die!"
+
+And in spite of my struggles she flung me, as easily as if I had been a
+doll, right out of the third storey window. Down I fell, down, down,
+till I--
+
+---- found myself on the floor. I had tumbled off the sofa, and so
+awakened from my terrific dream. Heavens! what a relief to find that
+after all I was _not_ married to a giantess, that it was all a vision
+due to my falling asleep over the advertisement, and that Mdlle.
+Goliathina was but a gigantic nightmare.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+THE VISION OF THE ALDERMAN.
+
+HENRY S. LEIGH.
+
+
+  An Alderman sat at a festive board,
+    Quaffing the blood-red wine,
+  And many a Bacchanal stave outpour'd
+    In praise of the fruitful vine.
+  Turtle and salmon and Strasbourg pie
+    Pippins and cheese were there;
+  And the bibulous Alderman wink'd his eye,
+    For the sherris was old and rare.
+
+  But a cloud came o'er his gaze eftsoons,
+    And his wicked old orbs grew dim;
+  Then drink turn'd each of the silver spoons
+    To a couple of spoons for _him_.
+  He bow'd his head at the festive board,
+    By the gaslight's dazzling gleam:
+  He bow'd his head and he slept and snor'd,
+    And he dream'd a fearful dream.
+
+  Far, carried away on the wings of Sleep,
+    His spirit was onward borne,
+  Till he saw vast holiday crowds in Chepe
+    On a ninth November morn.
+  Guns were booming and bells ding-dong'd,
+    Ethiop minstrels play'd;
+  And still, wherever the burghers throng'd,
+    Brisk jongleurs drove their trade.
+
+  Scarlet Sheriffs, the City's pride,
+    With a portly presence fill'd
+  The whole of the courtyard just outside
+    The hall of their ancient Guild.
+  And in front of the central gateway there,
+    A marvellous chariot roll'd,
+  (Like gingerbread at a country fair
+    'Twas cover'd with blazing gold).
+
+  And a being, array'd in pomp and pride
+    Was brought to the big stone gate;
+  And they begg'd that being to mount and ride
+    In that elegant coach of state.
+  But, oh! he was fat, so ghastly fat,
+    Was that being of pomp and pride,
+  That, in spite of many attempts thereat,
+    He _couldn't_ be pushed inside.
+
+  That being was press'd, but press'd in vain,
+    Till the drops bedew'd his cheek;
+  The gilded vehicle rock'd again,
+    And the springs began to creak.
+  The slumbering alderman groan'd a groan,
+    For a vision he seem'd to trace,
+  Some horrible semblance to _his own_
+    In that being's purple face.
+
+  And, "Oh!" he cried, as he started up;
+    "Sooner than come to _that_,
+  Farewell for ever the baneful cup
+    And the noxious turtle fat!"--
+  They carried him up the winding-stair;
+    They laid him upon the bed;
+  And they left him, sleeping the sleep of care,
+    With an ache in his nightcapp'd head.
+
+    (_By permission of_ MESSRS. CHATTO & WINDUS.)
+
+
+
+
+THE DEMON SNUFFERS.
+
+GEO. MANVILLE FENN.
+
+
+I'm not at all given to parading my troubles--nothing of the kind. I may
+be getting old, in fact, I am; and I may have had disappointments such
+as have left me slightly irritable and peevish; but I ask, as a man, who
+wouldn't be troubled in his nerves if he had suffered from snuffers?
+
+Snuffers? Yes--snuffers--a pair of cheap, black, iron snuffers, that
+screech when they are opened, and creak when they are shut; a pair that
+will not stay open, nor yet keep shut; a pair that gape at you
+incessantly, and point at you a horrid sharp iron beak, as a couple of
+leering eyes turn the finger and thumb holes into a pair of spectacles,
+and squint and wink at you maliciously. A word in your ear--this in a
+whisper--those snuffers are haunted! their insignificant iron frame is
+the habitation of a demon--an imp of darkness; and I've been troubled
+till I've got snuffers on the brain, and I shall have them till I'm
+snuffed out.
+
+It has been going on now for a couple of years, ever since my landlady
+sent the snuffers up to me first in my shiney crockery-ware candlestick,
+where those snuffers glide about like a snake in a tin pail. I remember
+the first night as well as can be. It was in November--a weird, wet,
+foggy night, when the river-side streets were wrapped in a yellow
+blanket of fog--and I was going to bed, when, at my first touch of the
+candlestick, those snuffers glided off with an angry snap, and lay,
+open-mouthed, glaring at me from the floor.
+
+I was somewhat startled, certainly, but far from alarmed; and I seized
+the fugitives and replaced them in the candlestick, opened the door, and
+ascended the stairs.
+
+Mind, I am only recording facts untinged by the pen of romance! Before I
+had ascended four steps, those hideous snuffers darted off, and plunged,
+point downwards, on to my left slippered foot, causing me an agonising
+pang, and the next moment a bead of starting blood stained my stocking.
+
+I will not declare this, but I believe it to be a fact: as I said
+something oathish, I am nearly certain that I heard a low, fiendish
+chuckle; and when I stooped to lift the snuffers, there was a bright
+spark in the open mouth, and a pungent blue smoke breathed out to annoy
+my nostrils!
+
+I was too bold in those days to take much notice of the incident, and I
+hurried upstairs--not, however, without seeing that there was a foul,
+black patch left upon my holland stair-cloth; and then I hurried into
+bed, and tried to sleep. But I could not, try as I would. In the
+darkness I could just make out the candlestick against the blind: and
+from that point incessantly the demon snuffers gradually approached me,
+till they sat spectacle-wise astride my nose, and a pair of burning eyes
+gazed through them right into mine.
+
+Need I say that I arose next morning feverish and unrefreshed to go
+about my daily duties?
+
+"I'll have no more of it to-night," I said to myself, as I rose early to
+go to bed and make up for the past bad night; and I smiled sardonically
+as I took up the highly-glazed candlestick and tried to shake the black,
+straddling reptile out upon the sideboard. I say _tried_; for, to my
+horror, the great eyeholes leered at me as they hugged round the upright
+portion of the stick and refused to be dislodged. I shook them again,
+and one part went round the extinguisher support, which the reptile
+dislodged, so that the extinguisher rattled upon the sideboard top. But
+the snuffers were there still. I tried again, and they, or it, dodged
+round and thrust a head through the handle, where they stuck fast,
+grinning at me till I set the candlestick down and stared.
+
+"Pooh!--stuff!--ridiculous!" I exclaimed, quite angry at my weak,
+imaginative folly; and, determined to act like a man, I seized the
+candlestick with one hand, the snuffers with the other, and, after a
+hard fight, succeeded in wriggling them out of their stronghold, banged
+them down upon the table cloth, seized them again, snuffed my candle
+viciously before replacing them on the table, and then marched out of
+the room, proud of my moral triumph, and rejoicing in having freed
+myself of the demon. But, as I stood upon the stairs, I could see that
+my hand was blackened; and the icy, galvanic feeling that assailed my
+nerves when I first touched the snuffers still tingled right to my
+elbow.
+
+But I was free of my enemy; and marching with freely playing lungs into
+my bedroom, I closed and locked the door, set down my empty candlestick,
+changed my coat and vest for a dressing-gown and began to brush my hair.
+
+It is my custom to brush my hair with a pair of brushes for ten minutes
+every night before retiring to rest. I find it strengthening to the
+brain. Upon this occasion I had brushed hard for five minutes, when
+there was a loud knock at my bed-room door.
+
+"Can I speak to you a moment, sir?" said the voice of my landlady.
+
+I rose and opened the door, and then started back in disgust, as I was
+greeted with--
+
+"Please, sir, you forgot your snuffers!"
+
+My snuffers! It was too horrible; but there was more to bear.
+
+"And please, sir, I do hope you'll be more careful. It's a mussy we
+warn't all burnt to death in our beds, for the snuffers have made a
+great hole as big as your hand in the tablecloth, and scorched the
+mahogany table; and it was a mussy I went into your room before I went
+up to bed."
+
+I couldn't speak, for I was drawn irresistibly on to obey, as my
+landlady held the snuffers-handle towards me, and pointed to the fungus
+snuff upon the common candle. I thrust in a finger and thumb, closed the
+door in desperation--for I could not refuse the snuffers--once more
+locked myself in, and stalked to the dressing-table; and, as I heard my
+landlady's retreating steps, I snuffed the candle, which started up
+instantly with a brighter flame, as the snuffers' mouth closed upon the
+incandescent wick.
+
+"I'm slightly nervous," I said to myself, as I essayed to put down my
+enemies. "I want tone--iron--iodine--tonic bitters--and--curse the
+thing!" I ejaculated, shaking my hand and trying to dislodge the
+snuffers. My efforts were but vain, for the rings clung tightly to my
+finger and thumb, cut into my flesh, and it was not until I had given
+them a frantic wrench, which broke the rivet and separated the halves,
+that I was able to tear out my bruised digits, and stand, panting, at
+the broken instrument.
+
+There was relief, though, here. I felt as if I had crushed out the
+reptile's life; and the two pieces--their living identity gone--lay
+nerveless, and devoid of terrors, in the candle tray.
+
+I slept excellently that night, and smiled as I dressed beside the
+broken fragments. I had achieved a victory over self, as well as over an
+enemy. I enjoyed my breakfast, after raising the white cloth to look at
+the damage, which I knew would appear as twenty shillings in the weekly
+bill; but I did not care, though I shuddered slightly as I thought of
+the snuffers' horrible designs. I dined that day with friends, played a
+few games afterwards at pool, and then we had oysters.
+
+I was in the best of spirits as I opened the door with my latchkey, and
+I laughed heartily at what I called my folly of the previous nights;
+but, as I entered my room, there was the great black hole in the green
+cloth table cover, and the charred wood beneath, while, upon the
+sideboard----
+
+I groaned as I stood, half transfixed. I could have imagined that I had
+on divers leaden-soled boots; for there, maliciously grinning at me with
+half-opened mouth, were the demon snuffers, joined together by a new,
+glistening rivet, which only added to their weird appearance, as the
+beak cocked itself at me, and the great eyes glared, as the black mouth
+seemed to say--
+
+"You'll never get rid of me!"
+
+Something seemed to draw me, and I went and took the candlestick, my
+eyes being fixed the while upon the snuffers; and I came in contact with
+several pieces of furniture as I went into the passage, where I held the
+candlestick very much on one side as I lit the candle at the little
+lamp. I hoped that the snuffers would fall out; but they grinned
+maliciously, and did not stir.
+
+The next moment I was obliged to use them, for the candle began to
+gutter; when, as nothing followed, I grew bolder, and began to ascend
+the stairs. In a minute, though before I was half way up the second
+flight, and though the candlestick was carried perfectly
+straight--crash! the demon snuffers darted out, and dashed themselves
+upon the floor.
+
+I did not stay to look, but hurried to my bed-room, closing and locking
+the door.
+
+"Safe this time!" I thought; for it was late, and I knew that my
+landlady must have been long in bed. Then I began to think of how they
+had hopped out of the candlestick, and I remembered what they had done
+on the previous night--how they had tried to set fire to the house.
+Suppose they should do so now? The cold perspiration trickled down my
+nose at the very thought. I dared not leave the demon, or twin
+demons--the horrid Siamese pair.
+
+I would, though--I was safe here. But, fire! Suppose they set the house
+on fire?
+
+Down I went in the dark--very softly, too, lest I should alarm the
+landlady and the other lodgers; but, though the odour was strong, I went
+right to the bottom, and stood upon the door-mat without finding my
+enemies.
+
+I stood and thought for a few minutes, and then began slowly to ascend,
+feeling carefully all over every step as I went up to my bed-room, where
+I arrived, without ever my hand coming in contact with that which I
+sought.
+
+"I'll go to bed and leave them!" I ejaculated, and I turned upon my
+heel; but, at that moment, the pungent burning odour came up stronger
+than ever, and I was compelled to descend, to find that the demon twins
+had been lying in ambush half-way down, so that I trod upon them,
+tripped, in my terror my foot glided, over them, and I fell with a crash
+into the umbrella stand, which I upset with a hideous noise upon the
+oilcloth--not so loud, though, but that I could hear the little black
+imps take three or four grasshopper leaps along the passage, ending by
+sticking the pointed beak into the street door.
+
+Before I could gather myself up, I heard doors opening upstairs, and
+screaming from the girls below who slept in the kitchen; and the next
+minute old Major O'Brien's voice came roaring down--
+
+"An' if ye shtir a shtep I'll blow out yer brains!"
+
+Of course I had to explain; and I had the horrible knowledge that they
+gave me the credit of being intoxicated--the Major saying he would not
+stop in a house where people went prowling about at all hours, ending by
+himself, at the landlady's request, examining the door to see if it was
+latched securely, and then seeing me safely to my room.
+
+"An' if I did me duty, sor, I should lock you in," he said by way of
+good night. "And now get into bed, sor, and at once; and--here are your
+snuffers!"
+
+I could fill volumes with the tortures inflicted upon me by those
+haunted snuffers, for they clung to me, and in spite of every effort
+never left me free. It was in vain that I came home early and shifted
+them into the Major's candlestick: they only came back. I threw them out
+of the bedroom window once, and they were found by the maid in the area.
+I threw them out again, and they were picked up by the policeman, and
+they made him bring them back. Then I tried it at midday; but an old
+woman brought them in, and made a row because they went through her
+parasol, so that I had to pay ten shillings, besides being looked upon
+by my landlady as a lunatic.
+
+I thrust them into the fire one night, and held them there with the
+tongs, lest they should leap out; but they would not burn, and my
+landlady, finding them in the ashes, had them japanned, and they were in
+their old place next day. I had no better luck when I thrust
+them--buried them--deep in a scuttle of ashes; they only turned up out
+of the dusthole when Mary sifted the cinders.
+
+They always came off black on to my hands when they did not anoint my
+fingers with soft tallow. If they fell out of the candlestick, it was
+always on to oilcloth or paint, where they could make a noise jumping
+about like a grasshopper, till they ended by standing upon the sharp
+beak, with the spectacle-like holes in the air. If I went up to dress,
+they would shoot into my collar-box, or amongst my clean shirts,
+smutting them all over. If I tried to kill a wasp with them upon an
+autumn evening, when the insect crept out of a plum at dessert, the
+wretches only snipped him in two, as if rejoicing at the inflicted
+torture. In short, they have worn me out--those snuffers; and, if it was
+not from fear, I should take and drop them from the parapet of a bridge.
+
+But, there! it would be in vain; they would be certain to turn up; and
+they are not mortal, so what can you expect? Let this communication be a
+secret, for it is written wholly by day, when the snuffers lie in the
+lower regions.
+
+A bright thought has occurred to me--the Major leaves this morning for
+Berlin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have done it--his carpet bag stood in the hall, waiting for the cab.
+The Major was in the drawing-room paying his bill. The maids were
+upstairs making the beds. I stole down, like a thief, into the kitchen.
+The snuffers were in my dirty candlestick upon the dresser. I seized the
+grinning, tallow-anointed demons, flew up the stairs, and, as I heard
+the drawing-room door open, tore the bag a little apart, and thrust them
+in. The next minute they were on the roof of a cab, and on their way to
+Berlin, where they will haunt the Major.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A month of uninterrupted joy has passed. On the day of the Major's
+departure I seemed to wed pleasure; and this has been the honeymoon.
+This morning, when I paid my bill, the landlady announced the coming
+back of the Major to his old apartments. I have been in dread ever
+since. But this is folly. I will be hopeful: my worst fears may not be
+confirmed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It's all over--he has brought them back!
+
+They grin at me as I write.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER.
+
+LEWIS CARROLL.
+
+
+  The sun was shining on the sea,
+    Shining with all his might;
+  He did his very best to make
+    The billows smooth and bright--
+  And this was odd, because it was
+    The middle of the night.
+
+  The moon was shining sulkily,
+    Because she thought the sun
+  Had got no business to be there
+    After the day was done.
+  "It's very rude of him," she said,
+    "To come and spoil the fun."
+
+  The sea was wet as wet could be,
+    The sands were dry as dry.
+  You could not see a cloud, because
+    No cloud was in the sky:
+  No birds were flying over-head--
+    There were no birds to fly.
+
+  The Walrus and the Carpenter
+    Were walking close at hand;
+  They wept like anything to see
+    Such quantities of sand:
+  "If this were only cleared away,"
+    They said, "It _would_ be grand!"
+
+  "If seven maids, with seven mops,
+    Swept it for half a year,
+  Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
+    "That they could get it clear?"
+  "I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
+    And shed a bitter tear.
+
+  "O, Oysters, come and walk with us!"
+    The Walrus did beseech.
+  "A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
+    Along the briny beach:
+  We cannot do with more than four,
+  To give a hand to each."
+
+  The eldest Oyster looked at him,
+    But never a word he said:
+  The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
+    And shook his heavy head--
+  Meaning to say he did not choose
+    To leave the oyster-bed.
+
+  But four young Oysters hurried up,
+    All eager for the treat:
+  Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
+    Their shoes were clean and neat--
+  And this was odd, because, you know,
+    They hadn't any feet.
+
+  Four other Oysters followed them,
+    And yet another four;
+  And thick and fast they came at last,
+    And more, and more, and more--
+  All hopping through the frothy waves,
+    And scrambling to the shore.
+
+  The Walrus and the Carpenter
+    Walked on a mile or so,
+  And then they rested on a rock
+    Conveniently low:
+  And all the little Oysters stood
+    And waited in a row.
+
+  "The time has come," the Walrus said,
+    "To talk of many things:
+  Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
+    Of cabbages--and kings--
+  And why the sea is boiling hot--
+    And whether pigs have wings."
+
+  "But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
+    "Before we have our chat;
+  For some of us are out of breath,
+    And all of us are fat!"
+  "No hurry," said the Carpenter:
+    They thanked him much for that.
+
+  "A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
+    "Is what we chiefly need:
+  Pepper and vinegar besides
+    Are very good indeed--
+  Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear,
+    We can begin to feed."
+
+  "But not on us," the Oysters cried,
+    Turning a little blue.
+  "After such kindness, that would be
+    A dismal thing to do!"
+  "The night is fine," the Walrus said.
+    "Do you admire the view?
+
+  "It was so kind of you to come,
+    And you are very nice!"
+  The Carpenter said nothing but
+    "Cut us another slice:
+  I wish you were not quite so deaf--
+    I've had to ask you twice!"
+
+  "It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
+    "To play them such a trick,
+  After we've brought them out so far,
+    And made them trot so quick!"
+  The Carpenter said nothing but
+    "The butter's spread too thick!"
+
+  "I weep for you," the Walrus said:
+    "I deeply sympathize."
+  With sobs and tears he sorted out
+    Those of the largest size,
+  Holding his pocket-handkerchief
+    Before his streaming eyes.
+
+  "O, Oysters," said the Carpenter,
+    "You've had a pleasant run!
+  Shall we be trotting home again?"
+    But answer came there none--
+  And this was scarcely odd, because
+    They'd eaten every one.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+MY BROTHER HENRY.
+
+J. M. BARRIE.
+
+
+At first sight it may not, perhaps, seem quite the thing that I should
+be hilarious because I have at last had the courage to kill my brother
+Henry. For some time, however, Henry had been annoying me. Strictly
+speaking, I never had a brother Henry. It is just fifteen months since I
+began to acknowledge that there was such a person. It came about in this
+way:--I have a friend of the name of Fenton, who, like myself, lives in
+London. His house is so conveniently situated that I can go there and
+back in one day. About a year and a half ago I was at Fenton's, and he
+remarked that he had met a man the day before who knew my brother Henry.
+Not having a brother Henry, I felt that there must be a mistake
+somewhere; so I suggested that Fenton's friend had gone wrong in the
+name. My only brother, I pointed out with the suavity of manner that
+makes me a general favourite, was called Alexander. "Yes," said Fenton,
+"but he spoke of Alexander also." Even this did not convince me that I
+had a brother Henry, and I asked Fenton the name of his friend.
+Scudamour was the name, and the gentleman had met my brothers Alexander
+and Henry some six years previously in Paris. When I heard this I
+probably frowned; for then I knew who my brother Henry was. Strange
+though it may seem, I was my own brother Henry. I distinctly remembered
+meeting this man Scudamour at Paris during the time that Alexander and I
+were there for a week's pleasure, and quarrelled every day. I explained
+this to Fenton; and there, for the time being, the matter rested. I had,
+however, by no means heard the last of Henry. Several times afterwards I
+heard from various persons that Scudamour wanted to meet me because he
+knew my brother Henry. At last we did meet, at a Bohemian supper-party
+in Furnival's Inn; and, almost as soon as he saw me, Scudamour asked
+where Henry was now. This was precisely what I feared. I am a man who
+always looks like a boy. There are few persons of my age in London who
+retain their boyish appearance as long as I have done; indeed, this is
+the curse of my life. Though I am approaching the age of thirty, I pass
+for twenty; and I have observed old gentlemen frown at my precocity when
+I said a good thing or helped myself to a second glass of wine. There
+was, therefore, nothing surprising in Scudamour's remark that, when he
+had the pleasure of meeting Henry, Henry must have been about the age
+that I had now reached. All would have been well had I explained the
+real state of affairs to this annoying man; but, unfortunately for
+myself, I loathe entering upon explanations to anybody about anything.
+When I ring for my boots and my servant thinks I want a glass of water,
+I drink the water and remain indoors. Much, then, did I dread a
+discussion with Scudamour, his surprise when he heard that I was Henry
+(my Christian name is Thomas), and his comments on my youthful
+appearance. Besides, I was at that moment carving a tough fowl; and, as
+I learned to carve from a handbook, I can make no progress unless I keep
+muttering to myself, "Cut from A to B, taking care to pass along the
+line C D, and sever the wing K from the body at the point F." There was
+no likelihood of my meeting Scudamour again, so the easiest way to get
+rid of him seemed to be to humour him. I therefore told him that Henry
+was in India, married, and doing well. "Remember me to Henry when you
+write to him," was Scudamour's last remark to me that evening. A few
+weeks later someone tapped me on the shoulder in Oxford Street. It was
+Scudamour. "Heard from Henry?" he asked. I said I had heard by the last
+mail. "Anything particular in the letter?" I felt it would not do to say
+there was nothing particular in a letter which had come all the way from
+India, so I hinted that Henry had had trouble with his wife. By this I
+meant that her health was bad; but he took it up in another way, and I
+did not set him right. "Ah, ah!" he said, shaking his head sagaciously,
+"I'm sorry to hear that. Poor Henry!" "Poor old boy!" was all I could
+think of replying. "How about the children?" Scudamour asked. "Oh, the
+children," I said, with what I thought presence of mind, "are coming to
+England." "To stay with Alexander?" he asked; for Alexander is a married
+man. My answer was that Alexander was expecting them by the middle of
+next month; and eventually Scudamour went away muttering "Poor Henry!"
+In a month or so we met again. "No word of Henry's getting leave of
+absence?" asked Scudamour. I replied shortly that Henry had gone to live
+in Bombay, and would not be home for years. He saw that I was brusque,
+so what does he do but draw me aside for a quiet explanation. "I
+suppose," he said, "you are annoyed because I told Fenton that Henry's
+wife had run away from him. The fact is I did it for your good. You see
+I happened to make a remark to Fenton about your brother Henry, and he
+said that there was no such person. Of course I laughed at that, and
+pointed out not only that I had the pleasure of Henry's acquaintance,
+but that you and I had a talk about the old fellow every time we met.
+'Well,' Fenton said, 'this is a most remarkable thing; for Tom,' meaning
+you, 'said to me in this very room, sitting in that very chair, that
+Alexander was his only brother.' I saw that Fenton resented your
+concealing the existence of your brother Henry from him, so I thought
+the most friendly thing I could do was to tell him that your reticence
+was doubtless due to the fact that Henry's private affairs were
+troubling you. Naturally, in the circumstances, you did not want to
+talk about Henry." I shook Scudamour by the hand, telling him that he
+had acted judiciously; but if I could have stabbed him quietly at that
+moment I dare say I should have done it. I did not see Scudamour again
+for a long time, for I took care to keep out of his way; but I heard
+first from him and then of him. One day he wrote to me saying that his
+nephew was going to Bombay, and would I be so good as to give the youth
+an introduction to my brother Henry? He also asked me to dine with him
+and his nephew. I declined the dinner, but I sent the nephew the
+required note of introduction to Henry. The next I heard of Scudamour
+was from Fenton. "By the way," said Fenton, "Scudamour is in Edinburgh
+at present." I trembled, for Edinburgh is where Alexander lives. "What
+has taken him there?" I asked, with assumed carelessness. Fenton
+believed it was business; "but," he added, "Scudamour asked me to tell
+you that he meant to call on Alexander, as he was anxious to see Henry's
+children." A few days afterwards I had a telegram from Alexander, who
+generally uses this means of communication when he corresponds with me.
+"Do you know a man Scudamour? reply," was what Alexander said. I thought
+of answering that we had met a man of that name when we were in Paris;
+but, on the whole, replied boldly: "Know no one of the name of
+Scudamour." About two months ago I passed Scudamour in Regent Street,
+and he did not recognise me. This I could have borne if there had been
+no more of Henry; but I knew that Scudamour was now telling everybody
+about Henry's wife. By-and-by I got a letter from an old friend of
+Alexander's, asking me if there was any truth in a report that Alexander
+was going to Bombay. Soon afterwards Alexander wrote to me to say that
+he had been told by several persons that I was going to Bombay. In
+short, I saw that the time had come for killing Henry. So I told Fenton
+that Henry had died of fever, deeply regretted; and asked him to be sure
+to tell Scudamour, who had always been interested in the deceased's
+welfare. The other day Fenton told me that he had communicated the sad
+intelligence to Scudamour. "How did he take it?" I asked. "Well," Fenton
+said, reluctantly, "he told me that when he was up in Edinburgh he did
+not get on well with Alexander; but he expressed great curiosity as to
+Henry's children." "Ah," I said, "the children were both drowned in the
+Forth; a sad affair--we can't bear to talk of it." I am not likely to
+see much of Scudamour again, nor is Alexander. Scudamour now goes about
+saying that Henry was the only one of us he really liked.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+A NIGHT WITH A STORK.
+
+W. E. WILCOX.
+
+
+Four individuals--namely, my wife, my infant son, my maid-of-all work,
+and myself--occupy one of a row of very small houses in the suburbs of
+London. I am a thoroughly domestic man, and notwithstanding that my
+occupation necessitates absence from my mansion between the hours of
+9 a.m. and 5 p.m., my heart is generally at home, with my diminutive
+household. My wife, and I, love regularity and quiet above all things;
+and although, since the arrival of my son, and heir, we had not enjoyed
+that peace which we did during the first year of our married life, yet
+his juvenile, though somewhat powerful, little lungs, had as yet failed
+in making ours a noisy house. Our regularity had, moreover, remained
+undisturbed, and we got up, went to bed, dined, breakfasted, and took
+tea at the same time, day after day.
+
+We had been going on in this clockwork fashion for a year and a half,
+when one morning the postman brought to our door a letter of ominous
+appearance, and on looking at the direction, I found that it came from
+an old, rich, and very eccentric uncle of mine, with whom, for certain
+reasons, we wished to remain on the best of terms. "What can uncle
+Martin have to write about?" was our simultaneous exclamation, and I
+opened it with considerable curiosity.
+
+                                "MARTIN HOUSE, HERTS, _Oct._ 17, 18--.
+
+  "DEAR NEPHEW,--
+
+  "You may perhaps have heard that I am forming an aviary here. A friend
+  in Rotterdam has written to me to say that he has sent by the boat,
+  which will arrive in London to-morrow afternoon, a very intelligent
+  parrot and a fine stork. As the vessel arrives too late for them to be
+  sent on the same night, I shall be obliged by your taking the birds
+  home, and forwarding them to me the next morning.--With my respects to
+  your good lady,
+
+    "I remain your affectionate uncle,
+      "RALPH MARTIN."
+
+I said nothing, but got a book on natural history, and turned to
+"Stork." With trembling fingers I passed over the fact of "his hind toe
+being short, the middle too long, and joined to the outer one by a large
+membrane, and by a smaller one to the inner toe," because that would not
+matter much for one night; but I groaned out to my wife the pleasant
+intelligence that "his height is four feet, his appetite extremely
+voracious," and "his food--frogs, mice, worms, snails, and eels." Where
+were we to provide a supper and breakfast of this description for him?
+
+I went to my office, and passed anything but a pleasant day, my thoughts
+constantly reverting to our expected visitors. At four o'clock I took a
+cab to the docks, and on arriving there, inquired for the ship, which
+was pointed out to me as "the one with the crowd upon the quay." On
+driving up, I discovered why there was a crowd, and the discovery did
+not bring comfort with it. On the deck, on one leg, stood the stork.
+Whether it was the sea-voyage, or the leaving his home, or, being a
+stork of high moral principle, he was grieving at the continual, and
+rather joyous and exulting swearing of the parrot, I do not know, but I
+never saw a more melancholy looking object in my life.
+
+I went down on the deck, and did not like the expression of relief that
+came over the captain's face when he found what I had come for. The
+transmission of the parrot from the ship to the cab was an easy matter,
+as he was in a cage, but the stork was merely tethered by one leg; and
+although he did his best, when brought to the foot of the ladder, in
+trying to get up, he failed utterly, and had to be half-shoved,
+half-hauled, all the way--which, as he got astride, after the manner of
+equestrians, on every other bar, was a work of some difficulty. I
+hurried him into the cab, and ordering the man to drive as quickly as
+possible, got in with my guests. At first, I had to keep dodging my head
+about, to keep my face away from his bill as he turned round; but all of
+a sudden he broke the little window at the back of the cab, thrust his
+head through, and would keep it there, notwithstanding I kept pulling
+him back. Consequently, when we drew up at my door, there was a mob of
+about a thousand strong around us. I got him in as well as I could, and
+shut the door.
+
+How can I describe the spending of that evening? how can I get
+sufficient power out of the English language to let you know what a
+nuisance that bird was to us? How can I tell you the cool manner in
+which he inspected our domestic arrangements?--walking slowly into
+rooms, and standing on one leg until his curiosity was satisfied; the
+expression of wretchedness that he threw over his entire person when he
+was tethered to the banisters, and had found out that, owing to our
+limited accommodation, he was to remain in the hall all night; the way
+in which he ate the snails specially provided for him, verifying to the
+letter the naturalist's description of his appetite. How can you, who
+have not had a stork staying with you, have any idea of the change which
+came over his temper after his supper--how he pecked at everybody who
+came near him; how he stood sentinel at the foot of the stairs; how my
+wife and I made fruitless attempts to get past, followed by ignominious
+retreats how; at last we outmanoeuvred him by throwing a table-cloth
+over his head, and then rushing by him, gaining the top of the stairs
+before he could disentangle himself.
+
+Added to all this, we had to endure language from that parrot which
+would have disgraced a pothouse; indeed, so scurrilous did he become,
+that we had to take him and lock him up in the coal-hole, where, from
+fatigue, or the darkness of his bedroom, he soon swore himself to sleep.
+
+We were quite ready for rest, and the forgetfulness which, we hoped,
+sleep, that "balm of hurt minds," would bring with it; but our peace was
+not to last long. About 2 a.m., I was awakened by my wife, and told to
+listen; I did so, and heard a sort of scrambling noise outside the door.
+"What can that be?" thought I. "He has broken his string, and is coming
+up stairs," said my wife; and then, remembering that the nursery door
+was generally left open, she urged my immediately stopping his further
+progress. "But, my dear," said I, "what am I to do in my present
+defenceless state of clothing, if he should take to pecking?" My wife's
+expression of the idea of my considering myself before the baby,
+determined me at once, come what might, to go and do him battle. Out I
+went, and sure enough there he was on the landing, resting himself,
+after his unusual exertion, by tucking one leg up. He looked so subdued,
+that I was about to take him by the string and lead him downstairs, when
+he drew back his head, and in less time than it takes to relate, I was
+back in my room, bleeding profusely from a very severe wound in my leg.
+I shouted out to the nurse to shut the door, and determined to let the
+infamous bird go where he liked. I bound up my leg and went to bed
+again; but the thought that there was a stork wandering about the house,
+prevented me from getting any more sleep. From certain sounds that we
+heard, we had little doubt but that he was passing some of his time in
+the cupboard where we kept our spare crockery, and an inspection the
+next day confirmed this.
+
+In the morning I ventured cautiously out, and finding he was in our
+spare bedroom, I shut the door upon him. I then went for a large sack,
+and with the help of the table-cloth, and the boy who cleans our shoes,
+we got him into it without any personal damage. I took him off in this
+way to the station, and sent him and the parrot off to my uncle by the
+first train.
+
+We have determined that, taking our chance about a place in my uncle's
+will or not, we will never again have anything to do with any foreign
+animals, however much he may ask and desire it.
+
+    (_By permission of_ MESSRS. W. & R. CHAMBERS.)
+
+
+
+
+THE FAITHFUL LOVERS.
+
+F. C. BURNAND.
+
+
+  I'd been away from her three years--about that--
+    And I returned to find my Mary true,
+  And though I'd question her, I did not doubt that
+    It was unnecessary so to do.
+
+  'Twas by the chimney corner we were sitting,
+    "Mary," said I, "have you been always true?"
+  "Frankly," says she, just pausing in her knitting,
+    "I _don't_ think I've unfaithful been to you;
+  But for the three years past I'll tell you what
+  I've done; then say if I've been true or not.
+
+  "When first you left, my grief was uncontrollable,
+    Alone I mourned my miserable lot,
+  And all who saw me thought me inconsolable,
+    Till Captain Clifford came from Aldershot;
+  To flirt with him amused me while 'twas new,
+  I don't count _that_ unfaithfulness. Do you?
+
+  "The next--oh! let me see--was Frankie Phipps,
+    I met him at my uncle's Christmas-tide;
+  And 'neath the mistletoe, where lips met lips,
+    He gave me his first kiss"--and here she sighed;
+  "We stayed six weeks at uncle's--how time flew!
+  I don't count _that_ unfaithfulness. Do you?
+
+  "Lord Cecil Fossmote, only twenty-one,
+    Lent me his horse. Oh, how we rode and raced!
+  We scoured the downs--we rode to hounds--such fun!
+    And often was his arm around my waist--
+  That was to lift me up or down. But who
+  Would count _that_ as unfaithfulness? Do you?
+
+  "Do you know Reggy Vere? Ah, how he sings!
+    We met--'twas at a picnic. Ah, such weather!
+  He gave me, look, the first of these two rings,
+    When we were lost in Cliefden Woods together.
+  Ah, what a happy time we spent, we two!
+  I don't count _that_ unfaithfulness to you.
+
+  "I've yet another ring from him. D'you see
+    The plain gold circlet that is shining here?"
+  I took her hand: "Oh, Mary! Can it be
+    That you"--Quoth she, "that I am Mrs. Vere.
+  I don't count _that_ unfaithfulness. Do you?"
+  "_No," I replied, "for I am married, too._"
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+THE WAIL OF A BANNER-BEARER.
+
+ARTHUR MATTHISON.
+
+
+Well, what if I am only a banner-bearer? There's bigger blokes than me
+what begun as "supes," an' see where they've got to? _Why don't I get
+there?_ Cause I ain't never had the chance. You just let me get a
+"speaking part" as suits me, that's all! Oh--it "_would be all_," eh?
+Why--but there! you're a baby in the purfession! you are! When you've
+been Capting of the Guard, and Third Noble, and a Bandit Keerousin, and
+First Hancient Bard, and Fourth in the Council of Ten what listens to
+Otheller, and the Mob in the Capitol, and a Harcher of Merry England,
+and a Peer of France, what doesn't speak, but has to look as if he could
+say a lot; when you've been all this you may talk! _I needn't be
+offended?_ All right, old pal; I ain't. Though I was 'urt when that
+utilerty cove said as I was only a banner-bearer. "Only!" Why I should
+like to know where they'd be without us--all them old spoutin' tragedy
+merchants! They'd have no armies, consequently they couldn't rave at
+'em, and lead 'em on to victory and things. They wouldn't 'ave no
+sennits, so they'd 'ave to cut out their potent, grave, and reverent
+seniors--an' that 'ud worry em. They wouldn't 'ave no hexited citizens,
+and so they couldn't bury old Ceser nor praise him neither. They
+couldn't strew no fields with no dead soldiers. They'd 'ave nobody to
+chivy 'em when they come to the throne, or returned from the wars. They
+couldn't 'ave no percessions; as for balls, and parties, and
+torneymongs, why, they couldn't give 'em. And where 'ud they often be
+without the "distant ollerings" behind the scenes, allus a-comin' nerer
+and louder. Why, I remember a 'eavy lead one night, as had insulted his
+army fearful, at rehearsal; he stops sudden, and thumps his breastplate,
+and says, "'Ark, that toomult!" when there warn't no more toomult than
+two flies 'ud make in a milk-jug. We jest cut off his toomult, and
+quered his pitch, in a minnit, for the laugh come in 'ot. We're just as
+much wanted as they are, make no error.
+
+Only a banner-bearer! "Only," be blow'd! Oh, don't you bother, I ain't
+getting waxy. I'm only a standin' up for my purfession. What do you say?
+_They could do without me in the modden drarmer?_ The modden drarmer, my
+boy, ain't actin'! It's nothing but "cuff-shootin'." You just has to
+stand against a mankel-shelf, with your hands in Poole's pockets, and
+say nothing elegantly. You don't want no chest-notes; you don't want no
+action; you don't want no exsitement; you don't want no lungs, no heart,
+and no brain; only lungs an' soda, heart an' potash, brain an' selzer.
+Everything's dilooted, my boy, for the modden drarmer; and the old
+school, an' the old kostumes 'ud bust the sides and roof too of the
+swell band-boxes, where they does the new school and the new kostumes.
+_P'r'aps I'm right?_ Of course I'm right; and I'm in earnest, too! Why,
+my boy, if they was to offer me an engagement as a "guest" in one of
+them cuff-shootin' plays, and ask me to go on in evening-dress, I'm
+blest if I wouldn't throw up the part. Trousers and white ties cramps
+me. I wants a suit o' mail an' a 'alberd; a toonic, and my legs free; a
+dagger in my teeth--not a tooth-pick; a battle-axe in my 'and--not a
+crutch. I likes to be led to victory, I does. I likes to storm castles,
+and trampel on the foe! I does. I likes to hang our banners on the
+outward walls, I does. I'm a born banner-bearer, I am, and I glories in
+it. No, my boy! none of your milk-and-water "guests," and such, for the
+likes of me! An' if I was the Lord Chamberlain, I'd perhibit the modden
+drarmer altogether. Them's my sentiments. If he don't perhibit it,
+actin' 'ull soon be modden'd out of existence; an' we shall 'ave Macbeth
+in a two guinea tourist suit, and Looy the Eleventh in nickerbockers, on
+a bisykel. It's the old banner-bearing school as got us all our big
+actors, an' it stands to reason, my boy; for a cove can't spred hisself
+in a frock coat and droring-room langwidge. They're both on 'em too tame
+for what I calls real actin'. What! you _have heard say as us
+banner-bearers don't act--was only machines_? Well, some on us don't,
+p'r'aps, but some on us does, and no mistake.
+
+You can't, as a rule, expect much feeling, much dignerty, much
+patriertism, or much simperthy for a shillin' a night. If they was all
+the real articles, they'd fetch a lot more than that; but there is
+gentlemen in my line as goes in for all four--reg'lar comes nateral to
+'em. Why, I've been that work'd on when I've seen Joan o'Hark goin' in a
+perisher at the stake, an' makin' that last dyin' speech and confession
+of hers, that I've felt a real 'art beat against my property
+breast-plate, and felt real tears a tricklin' down to my false beard.
+I've been so struck with admirashun for some Othellos, that when they've
+been a addressin' of me as the sennit, I've felt as dignerfied as if I'd
+been the Doag of Venice hisself, and I bet he looked it.
+
+As for patriertism, there isn't a man living as has died for his
+country--willing, mind you--as often as I have; and I've strewed many a
+bloody field of batel with a ernest corpse, I have. An' as far as
+regards simperthy, it's stood in my way, for I've been that upset by
+Queen Katherines and Prince Arthurs, and even old Shylock (for Grashyano
+does giv' 'im a doin'), and Ophelias, and other sufferin' parties, as
+I've often forgot my hexits and been fined a tanner; and if that ain't
+actin', I should like to know what is.
+
+It's all very well for them noospaper crickets to harry us, and say as
+we're a set o' this and a set o' the other, and that we ain't got no
+hideas. They wouldn't 'ave many hideas if they wasn't paid more than a
+shilling a night (with often twopence off to the hagent) for the use of
+'em; the article's as good as the price, an' no mistake. Some on us gets
+a bit more, and accordin' some on us gives a bit more; for there's first
+heavy lead, and setterer, among the supes, just as there is among the
+principles, don't make no error! _Have to do as the "stars" tell us?_
+Well, of course, we does, only if the stars don't treat us like gents,
+we knows how to queer their pitches: rather! Why, it ain't so very long
+since as I was a-playing a Roman Licktor in "Virginius," and when we was
+a rehearsin' of it, 'im as played Happyus Clordyus called me a "pig."
+"All right," says I, "aside" like, "I'll pig yer." Accordin', when night
+comes, and he makes an exit in the third act, and says--didn't he enjoy
+hisself with it--"And I shall surely see that they reseve it!" he chucks
+his toger over his right shoulder, and turns round as magestick as a
+beedle to walk off--well, some'ow, just then I drops my bundle of sticks
+("fusses," they call 'em), all accidentle like, and Happyus Clordyus,
+with his heyes in the hair, comes to grief, slap over 'em. He was the
+un-happyest Clordyus all through that play as ever you see. What did he
+call me a "pig" for, the idiot?
+
+"_Seem to be important, after all?_" Important! I should think we was!
+There couldn't be no big drarmers without us, no gallant warryers, no
+'owling mobs, no "Down with the tirants!" no briggands reposin', no
+'appy pezzants, and no stage picturs of any account, if it warn't for
+the supes and banner-bearers, as ought to be made more on and seen to a
+bit better than they is; for what says the old Shyley, in the play, 'im
+what old Phellups us'd to warm 'em up in? "What?" says he, "what! Hath
+not a supe eyes, 'ands, horgans, somethin' else, and passions? fed with
+the same food?--(no! Shakey, old man, he ain't!) Well, if you prick us,
+don't us bleed? if we larf, don't you tickle us? and if you wrong us,
+ain't we goin' to take it out of you, like I took it out o' Happyus
+Clordyus?" _How I do wag?_ Well, ain't it enough to make me? Don't let
+that 'ere utilerty cuff-shooter allood to me as "only a banner-bearer,"
+then! Let 'im, and all the others, treat us more respectful, and he and
+them too 'ull find a feeling 'art and good manners too, at even a
+shilling a night, though we could throw 'em in a lot; more of both for
+an extra bob.--Good night, old man.
+
+    (_By permission of_ MESSRS. ROUTLEDGE & SONS.)
+
+
+
+
+THE DREAM OF THE BILIOUS BEADLE.
+
+ARTHUR SHIRLEY.
+
+
+  'Twas in the grimy winter time, an evening cold and damp,
+  And four and twenty work'us boys, all of one ill-fed stamp,
+  Were blowing on blue finger tips, bent double with the cramp;
+  And when the skilly poured out fell into each urchin's pan
+  They swallowed it at such a pace as only boyhood can.
+  But the Beadle sat remote from all, a bilious-looking man--
+  His hat was off, red vest apart, to catch the evening breeze:
+  He thought that that might cool his brow; it only made him sneeze,
+  So pressed his side with his hand, and tried to seem as if at ease.
+
+  Heave after heave his waistcoat gave, to him was peace denied,
+  It tortured him to see them eat, he couldn't though he tried!
+  Good fare had made him much too fat, and rather goggle-eyed;
+  At length he started to his feet, some hurried steps he took,
+  Now up the ward, now down the ward, with wild dyspeptic look,
+  And lo! he saw a work'us boy, who read a penny book--
+  "You beastly brat! What is't you're at? I warrant 'tis no good!
+  What's this? 'The life of Turpin Bold!' or 'Death of Robin Hood'?"
+  "It's '_Hessays on the Crumpet_,' sir, as a harticle of food!"
+
+  He started from that boy as tho' in's ear he'd blown a trumpet,
+  His hand he pressed upon his chest, then with his fist did thump it,
+  And down he sat beside the brat and talked about The Crumpet.
+  How now and then that muffin men of whom tradition tells,
+  By pastry trade, fortunes had made, and come out awful swells,
+  While their old patrons suffered worse than Irving in "The Bells!"
+  "And well, I know," said he, "forsooth, for plenty have I bought,
+  The sufferings of foolish folk who eat more than they ought.
+
+  "With pepsine pills and liver pads is their consumption fraught,
+  Oh! oh! my boy, my pauper boy! Take my advice, 'tis best shun
+  All such tempting tasty things, tho' nice beyond all question,
+  Unless you wish like me to feel the pangs of indigestion!
+  One, who had ever made me long--a muffin man and old--
+  I watched into a public-house, he called for whisky cold,
+  And for one moment left his stock within green baize enrolled.
+  I crept up to them, thinking what an appetite I'd got,
+  I gloated o'er them lying there elastic and all hot;
+  I thought of butter laid on thick, and then I prigged the lot!
+
+  "I took them home, I toasted them, p'raps upwards of a score,
+  And never had so fine a feast on luscious fare before,
+  'And now,' I said, 'I'll go to bed, and dream of eating more.'
+  All night I lay uneasily, and rolled from side to side,
+  At first without one wink of sleep, no matter how I tried;
+  And then I dreamt I was a 'bus, and gurgled 'Full inside!'
+  I was a 'bus by nightmares drawn on to some giddy crest,
+  Now launched like lightning through the air, now stop'd and now
+        compressed;
+  I felt a million muffin men were seated on my chest!
+
+  "I heard their bells--their horrid bells--in sound as loud as trumpets,
+  Oh, curses on ye, spongy tribe! Ye cruffins and ye mumpets!
+  I must be mad! I mean to say ye muffins and ye crumpets!
+  Then came a chill like Wenham ice; then hot as hottest steam;
+  I could not move a single limb! I could not even scream!
+  You pauper brat, remember that all this was but a dream!"
+
+  The boy gazed on his troubled brow, from which big drops were oozing,
+  And for the moment all respect for his dread function losing,
+  Made this remark, "Well, blow me tight, our Beadle's been a-boozing!"
+  That very week, before the beak, they brought that beadle burly;
+  He pleaded guilty in a tone dyspeptically surly,
+  And he lives still at Pentonville with hair not long or curly!
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+MY FRIEND TREACLE.
+
+WATKIN-ELLIOTT.
+
+
+"So Charley is going to marry 'the most charming girl in the world'!" I
+ejaculated, after a hearty laugh over the following epistle from my old
+friend:--
+
+  "DEAR BOB,--
+
+  "I am going to do for myself in earnest; no humbug this time. 'For
+  better or for worse,' and if it turns out the latter it will be a
+  scrape no one can get me out of. Of course, you understand I am about
+  to marry, and I need not add _she_ is the most charming girl in the
+  world: fair, sky-blue eyes, silk-worm--I mean spun silk hair, lovely
+  in fact! Come and be my best man: do, old fellow! You have backed me
+  up lots of times before, and although we have lost sight of one
+  another since 'we were boys together,' that goes for nothing between
+  us--does it? Write by return, and say you will support me: I have a
+  dread that I shall marry the wrong girl, or allow some one else to
+  marry Lucy--that's _her_ name!--or do something unlucky, unless you
+  look after me.
+
+  "Yours, as ever,
+    "CHARLEY BOSTON.
+
+  "P.S.--It comes off in a fortnight."
+
+"'It,'--well that is vague enough, but I suppose he means the happy
+event. Ye gods and little fishes!--to call a marriage 'it'! but that is
+like Boston. And 'sure to do something unlucky,' are you? Well, I guess
+you are not the 'Treacle' of old unless you get into some quandary over
+it," I muttered; and then I threw myself back in my chair and laughed
+again as some of our adventures, when we were at Dr. Omega's school--I
+mean college--presented themselves to my mind.
+
+Glorious times those! looking back upon them now, although we did not
+value them, in our careless youth, at their full worth.
+
+Treacle's--_i.e._, Boston's--daring always led him to some adventure,
+and I always backed him up--in a feeble way, perhaps,--and we always got
+found out somehow, and got our deserts in a manner more satisfactory to
+lovers of justice than to ourselves. Stunning times!
+
+The very fact of our being punished for the same crime, and at the same
+time, was a bond of union between Treacle and myself.
+
+"One touch of sympathy," or one touch of the rod, made us kin in a
+manner very peculiar;--a fellow feeling made us wondrous kind and
+sympathetic.
+
+You talk of little dinners and little suppers in these days, and think
+them epicurean feasts!--but, be really hungry--hungry as a school-boy,
+and enjoy a little supper off kippered herring _on the sly_--that _is_ a
+feast, if you like. Such feasts as these we enjoyed at Mother Kemp's,
+down the village, when the Doctor, tutors, and monitors imagined us
+safely tucked in our little beds.
+
+Looking upon Mother Kemp, in those days, I thought her a good fairy
+disguised as a witch. Looking back upon her, with manhood's enlightened
+judgment, I think she was an unprincipled old woman, who traded on our
+weaknesses. I confess myself to have been a hungry boy,--Boston, with a
+penitence which did him credit, used to confess the same: we both had a
+propensity to come through our trouser-legs and sleeve-jackets, and,
+what was worse, could not help ourselves doing so.
+
+Boston was of an ingenious turn of mind, and it was he who suggested
+that those boys, who could afford to be hungry with any satisfaction to
+themselves, should club together for a supper at Mother Kemp's once
+a-week; and it was through one of these suppers, or the search for one,
+that he got his sweet sobriquet of "Treacle."
+
+He having made the suggestion, we elected him chief of our expeditions,
+and thus to a certain extent he held the fate of our appetites in his
+hands.
+
+One night we had escaped, as usual, by means of a rope-ladder made by
+Boston, from the window of the room of which I was senior boy, to Mother
+Kemp's in the village.
+
+Mother Kemp kept a general shop--that is to say, she retailed tallow,
+treacle, rope, bacon, herrings, soap, cottons, tops, balls, butter,
+sweets, and so forth; and she not only, as a rule, sold us a supper out
+of her heterogeneous store, but cooked it, if needs were, and served it
+for us in her back parlour--that is, _if we could_ pay ready cash down.
+
+This night of which I speak we could not. We had appealed to Madame
+Kemp's motherly heart for "trust," in vain, and we were returning home
+in a state of double the hunger to that in which we had started, on
+account of our hopes being unfulfilled, when Charlie Boston made a
+remark in a melancholy tone: it was--
+
+"I wonder if the pantry window is open."
+
+We eyed him askance and in silence.
+
+"And if," with a frown of determination on his brow, "there is
+_anything_ inside!"
+
+Then we knew we were "in" for something, be it to eat or feel, and
+followed him half in hope, half in fear.
+
+The window was open. Looking upon that casement from my point of view
+now, I decide it was an architectural folly, being no more than seven
+feet from the ground, and innocent of bars or protection of any kind,
+and moreover large enough for any one of moderate size to creep through.
+
+From our point of view, then, we thought it a very jolly contrivance.
+
+"Hurrah!" shouted Boston, _sotto voce_--in fact, very much _sotto
+voce_--"we will indeed sup at the doctor's expense to-night, bless
+him!--eh, boys?"
+
+Either to the supper or blessing we assented, joyfully; but when our
+chief asked who was for reconnoitring, the question was received in
+silence.
+
+"Suppose it is missed in the morning--I mean, _what we eat_," suggested
+some one, timidly.
+
+"Cats!" settled Boston with laconic contempt.
+
+"But cats don't eat cheese, and--"
+
+"Bah! cats eat _anything_, from mice to stewed-eels' feet. Who will
+follow if I lead?"
+
+"Couldn't you get in and hand something out?" asked another, coolly.
+
+"Wish you may get it. Travers, _you_ will follow, will you not?"
+
+"Yes," I replied, with a little inward shudder. "'Lead on, Macduff,
+and'--and, what you may call it, be him that first cries 'Hold,
+enough!'"
+
+"Old enough for what?" queried the wit of the party.
+
+"Look here, Jenkins, don't you be a fool; this is not the time for vile
+puns, or Shakspeare either," with a frown at me.
+
+"It will take a jolly long time for us all to get in one after the
+other," I ruminated upon this snub.
+
+"And a jollier long time to get out, if we want to, in a hurry,"
+suggested the timid one.
+
+"That is true," agreed the chief. "We will toss up, and 'odd man' goes
+in and hands out--eh?"
+
+Faint applause.
+
+But the idea was not carried out, because, upon reflection, we
+remembered Mother Kemp had our last coin.
+
+"Never mind," cried Boston, in his happy dare-all way. "I'll do it! Lend
+me a back, somebody, and keep a sharp look out, mind!"
+
+We lent him a back with alacrity, it being a cheap and easy loan, and he
+drew himself up.
+
+"I see a pie!" he cried, and the words revived us. "Supposing it is
+steak!"
+
+We supposed, and felt more hungry than ever.
+
+Then we watched him with increased interest, as he squeezed his body
+through the casement, paused a moment to recover breath, descended
+gradually and carefully, and--Heavens, what was that? There was a
+scuffle and a gasp. Was it the doctor?
+
+I think at this juncture my knees began to tremble; so I cannot describe
+what the other sounds in the pantry were--at least, not with any
+accuracy.
+
+"I say," began some one of our party--he was always doing that, saying
+"I say," and stopping short; a nasty habit, you know, for when one's
+nerves are unstrung it makes you anxious, not to say alarmed.
+
+"Old Omega!" whispered another in an awed tone.
+
+"Can't be; there's no talking."
+
+"No, because he's such an artful old fox; he thinks he'll catch us
+all!--Eh?"
+
+The "eh" was to one who thought he had "_better go and see if the ladder
+was there all right_."
+
+It ended in their all going for the same commendable purpose, and
+leaving me behind to look after Boston. I was very much inclined to
+follow them, I confess, but I liked my friend too much to leave him, so,
+having a regard for my own personal safety, I got behind a laurel and
+waited.
+
+"Silence there, and nothing more."
+
+_Could_ it be the doctor! Could the doctor keep his anger so long
+bottled up--even to catch the rest of us--without bursting?
+
+I thought not: he would have had a fit by this time.
+
+In those days I remember revolving in my mind the advantage I would gain
+if Dr. Omega did have a fit and died. It was very horrible of me, of
+course, but then I was a boy, and as I looked at the doctor's purple
+visage--_was_ it coloured by the liquid et cetera?--I decided that if he
+were removed, no matter how, I might have a jolly holiday until another
+authority was placed over me, or I placed under another authority.
+
+O, it was wicked of me, I know, _terribly_ wicked!--but true. Mais
+revenons a Boston. If it is not the doctor in there with him, it may be
+the cook, I revolved behind the bushes. The cook ought to be in bed, by
+this time--so ought I: I was not, that was a certainty, perhaps the cook
+was not; if not--why it was very wrong of her not to be, I concluded
+virtuously.
+
+The moments passed, and still no sound from the pantry of voices. _Had_
+Charley fallen down in a fit instead of the doctor? I crept from my
+hiding place and essayed a faint whistle, recognised by us all as a
+call.
+
+No answer.
+
+"Boston!" I ejaculated, feeling sure now that the doctor could not
+possibly be there.
+
+Then, as I watched the casement, as anxiously as any lover could that of
+his mistress, I saw something appear at it: by the light of the moon it
+looked _black_ and _shiny_. If the shock had not deprived me of motion I
+should have fled. I could not flee, so I stood bravely to my post and
+shook like a jelly.
+
+What was it? I felt like Hamlet when he saw the ghost of his father; but
+I did not apostrophize it--I knew better,--at least I had not
+sufficient choice Shakespearian language at my tongue's end to do so
+becomingly.
+
+"Travers?"
+
+"Angels and ministers"--my name in Boston's voice. In a moment the
+roaring in my ears ceased, and my muscles gained strength.
+
+"Is that _you_, Charley?" I asked, sensibly enough.
+
+"Phew!"
+
+"Why--why, hang it, Boston, what's up--eh?"
+
+"'Up!'--all over me--choking me--Treacle!" gasped my friend, creeping
+through the window, with difficulty, as he spoke, and losing his
+balance, as he reached the ground, he fell against me, stuck to me,
+disengaged himself, and finally stood upright.
+
+"Treacle!" I ejaculated with a roar, which even though the doctor might
+have heard I could not suppress, as Charley began clearing out his eyes
+and mouth with his already sticky fists.
+
+"Yes, _treacle_," crossly. "You needn't laugh like that, Bob, and make
+such a confounded fool of yourself," he growled. "I stumbled, somehow,
+and fell face forward into a pan of it. Don't make such a row, Travers!"
+as I continued my cachination and held my aching sides, "I might have
+been smothered for all _you_ would have cared. By Jove! smothered in
+treacle! Why a butt of Malmsey would be a natural death in comparison."
+
+"The treacle we have for our puddings and with our brimstone?" I gasped
+at last.
+
+"Yes." Here the ludicrous aspect of affairs struck the martyr, and he
+joined me in my merriment.
+
+"I didn't know where I was going until I was in it," he continued. "Ugh!
+I shall hate treacle like poison for the rest of my life! Where are the
+other fellows?"
+
+"Sneaked away; thought Omega had caught you."
+
+"Cowards!"
+
+At this moment a low whistle, a danger signal, from the boys just
+denounced, caused us to hurry from the spot, and reaching the rope
+ladder, we were up it like cats, gaining our room just in time to find
+that, by the light shining under the door, some one was on the alert.
+
+"Get under my bed!" I whispered to Charley, as his escape to his own
+room was cut off.
+
+In his hurry and confusion, he got _into_ it. I had no time to demur,
+and jumped in after him, just as the doctor, suspicious and austere,
+entered, candlestick in hand.
+
+"Noise in number three: senior boy, report."
+
+I, senior boy, reported, and replied by a nasal demonstration which I
+flattered myself was a very good imitation of a sound snore.
+
+"Robert Travers!" in a voice which might, almost, have awakened the
+dead.
+
+"Sir," replied I--Robert--as sleepily as I could.
+
+"Somebody walking about this room, and talking."
+
+If brevity is the soul of wit, then old Omega was the wittiest fellow I
+ever came across,--although he never _looked_ it.
+
+He always spoke sharply and to the point, and gave us our due in the
+same manner.
+
+Now, as he jerked his sentence out, he approached nearer. Charley, like
+a certain big bird, seemed to fancy that, because his own face was
+hidden and he could see no one, it followed that no one could see him;
+whereas, half his head was exposed to view.
+
+I sat up in bed, hurriedly giving my companion a vicious kick of
+caution, as I explained to the doctor that "little Simpson walked and
+talked in his sleep;" at which "little Simpson," in a corner of the
+room, groaned audibly.
+
+"Simpson, junior, what do you mean by walking in your sleep, sir?"
+
+Simpson groaned again, and the doctor, thinking he was snoring,
+continued,--
+
+"He eats too much; must diet him. A dose of brimstone and treacle (I
+felt Boston jump) in the morning will do him good--cooling. Remind me,
+Travers. By the way, sir, how comes it you are awake?"
+
+"Please, sir, you woke me--awakened me, sir," I stammered.
+
+"Hem," doubtfully. "Whom have you in bed with you--eh?" as Boston,
+rendered uncomfortable by his sticky face, had moved.
+
+"With _me_, sir?" I murmured, vaguely.
+
+"Yes, sir, with you. Come out, whoever it is!" roared Omega, without
+further parley.
+
+But Boston remained still as a mouse.
+
+Struck dumb with anger and astonishment, that a boy should have the
+impudence to stop in when _he_ ordered him to come out, the doctor
+strode round to Charley's side, and laid hands on the miscreant to have
+him out by force; but, no sooner had he felt the viscous state of our
+hero, than he withdrew them precipitately, with the pious ejaculation,--
+
+"Good heavens! What is the matter with him!"
+
+"Necessitas non habet legem."
+
+I, being senior boy, had to report. I did so, tremblingly, and imitated
+the doctor in my brevity.
+
+"Matter, sir--treacle, sir."
+
+"Treacle!" in a voice of concentrated thunder, if you know what that is
+like.
+
+"His mother sent him a pot of treacle, sir, and he--and he thought it
+was pomatum, sir, and--and----" my imaginative powers fell before the
+lightning of the doctor's glance.
+
+"_Whose_ mother?"
+
+"Boston's, sir."
+
+"Boston, come out!"
+
+And Boston, after some little delay caused in having to detach himself
+from surroundings, came forth like a lamb--I mean, like a black sheep.
+
+"What the dev----!"
+
+But I draw a curtain over the rest; the doctor was profane, and he hurt
+my feelings _very much_.
+
+Poor old Treacle! The name stuck to him ever after.
+
+Well, I went to his wedding, and with the exception that at the critical
+part of the ceremony he dropped the ring, which, after we had all
+scrambled on our knees for, was found in the bride's veil, he went
+through the "happiest day of his life" without a mistake.
+
+As for myself, in searching for that ring, I knocked my head against
+Treacle's sister's, and it upset me. A thrill went through me, which was
+most painfully pleasant. At the breakfast-table I became sentimental; in
+making my speech for the ladies, I caught her--Treacle's sister's--eye,
+she smiled, and I lost the thread of my discourse. It was a very slender
+thread, and I never found it again until, one day, I was wandering round
+somebody's garden with my arm round Treacle's sister's waist, and,--but
+that doesn't matter! She is a jolly little thing, though--Treacle's
+sister is.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+THE VOICE OF THE SLUGGARD.
+
+ANONYMOUS.
+
+
+  Have you brought my boots, Jemima? Leave them at my chamber door.
+  Does the water boil, Jemima? Place it also on the floor.
+  Eight o'clock already, is it? How's the weather--pretty fine?
+  Eight is tolerably early; I can get away by nine.
+  Still I feel a little sleepy, though I came to bed at one.
+  Put the bacon on, Jemima; see the eggs are nicely done!
+  I'll be down in twenty minutes--or, if possible, in less;
+  I shall not be long, Jemima, when I once begin to dress.
+  She is gone, the brisk Jemima; she is gone, and little thinks
+  How the sluggard yearns to capture yet another forty winks,
+  Since the bard is human only--not an early village cock--
+  Why should he salute the morning at the hour of eight o'clock?
+  Stifled be the voice of Duty; Prudence, prythee, cease to chide,
+  While I turn me softly, gently, round upon my other side.
+  Sleep, resume thy downy empire; reassert thy sable reign!
+  Morpheus, why desert a fellow? Bring those poppies here again!
+  What's the matter, now, Jemima? Nine o'clock? It cannot be!
+  Hast prepared the eggs, the bacon, and the matutinal tea?
+  Take away the jug, Jemima, go, replenish it anon;
+  Since the charm of its caloric must be very nearly gone.
+  She has left me. Let me linger till she reappears again,
+  Let my lazy thoughts meander in a free and easy vein.
+  After Sleep's profoundest solace, nought refreshes like the doze.
+  Should I tumble off, no matter; she will wake me, I suppose.
+  Bless me, is it you, Jemima? Mercy on us, what a knock?
+  Can it be--I can't believe it--actually ten o'clock?
+  I will out of bed and shave me. Fetch me warmer water up!
+  Let the tea be strong, Jemima, I shall only want a cup!
+  Stop a minute! I remember some appointment by the way,
+  'Twould have brought me mints of money; 'twas for ten o'clock to-day.
+  Let me drown my disappointment, Slumber, in thy seventh heaven!
+  You may go away, Jemima. Come and call me at eleven!
+
+    (_From the "Leeds Mercury."_)
+
+
+
+
+ARTEMUS WARD'S VISIT TO THE TOWER OF LONDON.
+
+CH. FARRAR BROWNE.
+
+
+I skurcely need inform you that the Tower is very pop'lar with pe'ple
+from the agricultooral districks, and it was chiefly them class which I
+found waitin' at the gates the other mornin'.
+
+I saw at once that the Tower was established on a firm basis. In the
+entire history of firm basises, I don't find a basis more firmer than
+this one.
+
+"You have no Tower in America?" said a man in the crowd, who had somehow
+detected my denomination.
+
+"Alars! no," I ansered; "we boste of our enterprise and improovements,
+and yit we are devoid of a Tower. America, oh my onhappy country! thou
+hast not got no Tower! It's a sweet Boon."
+
+The gates were opened after a while, and we all purchist tickets, and
+went into a waitin' room.
+
+"My frens," said a pale-faced little man, in black close, "that is a sad
+day."
+
+"Inasmuch as to how?" I said.
+
+"I mean it is sad to think that so many peple have been killed within
+these gloomy walls. My frens, let us drop a tear."
+
+"No!" I said, "you must excuse me. Others may drop one if they feel like
+it; but as for me, I decline. The early managers of this institootion
+were a bad lot, and their crimes were trooly orful; but I can't sob for
+those who died four or five hundred years ago. If they was my own
+relations I couldn't. It's absurd to shed sobs over things which occurd
+during the rain of Henry the Three. Let us be cheerful," I continnered.
+"Look at the festiv Warders, in their red flannel jackets. They are
+cheerful, and why should it not be thusly with us?"
+
+A Warder now took us in charge, and showed us the Trater's Gate, the
+armers, and things. The Trater's Gate is wide enuff to admit about
+twenty traters abrest, I should jedge; but beyond this, I couldn't see
+that it was superior to gates in gen'ral.
+
+Traters, I will here remark, are an onforchunit class of pe'ple. If they
+wasn't, they wouldn't be traters. They conspire to bust up a
+country--they fail, and they're traters. They bust her, and they become
+statesmen and heroes.
+
+Take the case of Gloster, afterwards Old Dick the Three, who may be seen
+at the Tower on horseback, in a heavy tin overcoat--take Mr. Gloster's
+case. Mr. G. was a conspirator of the basist dye, and if he'd failed, he
+would have been hung on a sour apple tree. But Mr. G. succeeded and
+became great. He was slewed by Col. Richmond, but he lives in history,
+and his equestrian figger may be seen daily for a sixpence, in
+conjunction with other em'nent persons, and no extra charge for the
+Warder's able and bootiful lectur.
+
+There's one King in this room who is mounted onto a foaming steed, his
+right hand graspin a barber's pole. I didn't learn his name.
+
+The room where the daggers and pistils and other weppins is kept is
+interestin. Among this collection of choice cutlery I notist the bow and
+arrer which those hot-heded old chaps used to conduct battles with. It
+is quite like the bow and arrer used at this date by certain tribes of
+American Injuns, and they shoot 'em off with such an excellent precision
+that I almost sigh'd to be an Injun when I was in the Rocky Mountain
+regin. They are a pleasant lot, them Injuns. Mr. Cooper and Dr. Catlin
+have told us of the red man's wonderful eloquence, and I found it so.
+Our party was stopt on the plains of Utah by a band of Shoshones, whose
+chief said:--
+
+"Brothers! the pale-face is welcome. Brothers! the sun is sinking in the
+west, and Wa-na-bucky-she will soon cease speakin. Brothers! the poor
+red man belongs to a race which is fast becomin extink."
+
+He then whooped in a shrill manner, stole our blankets, and whisky, and
+fled to the primeval forest to conceal his emotions.
+
+I will remark here, while on the subjeck of Injuns, that they are in the
+main a very shaky set, with even less sense than the Fenians; and when I
+hear philanthropists bewailin the fack that every year "carries the
+noble red man nearer the settin sun," I simply have to say I'm glad of
+it, tho' it is rough on the settin sun. They call you by the sweet name
+of Brother one minit, and the next they scalp you with their
+Thomas-hawks. But I wander. Let us return to the Tower.
+
+At one end of the room where the weppins is kept, is a wax figger of
+Queen Elizabeth, mounted on a fiery stuffed hoss, whose glass eye
+flashes with pride, and whose red morocker nostril dilates hawtily, as
+if, conscious of the royal burden he bears. I have associated Elizabeth
+with the Spanish Armady. She's mixed up with it at the Surrey Theatre,
+where _Troo to the Core_ is bein acted, and in which a full bally core
+is introjooced on board the Spanish Admiral's ship, givin' the audiens
+the idea that he intends openin a moosic-hall in Plymouth the moment he
+conkers that town. But a very interestin drammer is _Troo to the Core_,
+notwithstandin the eccentric conduct of the Spanish Admiral; and very
+nice it is in Queen Elizabeth to make Martin Truegold a baronet.
+
+The Warder shows us some instrooments of tortur, such as thumbscrews,
+throat collars, etc., statin' that these was conkered from the Spanish
+Armady, and addin what a crooil peple the Spaniards was in them
+days--which elissited from a bright-eyed little girl of about twelve
+summers the remark that she tho't it was rich to talk about the crooilty
+of the Spaniards usin thumbscrews, when he was in a tower where so many
+poor peple's heads had been cut off. This made the Warder stammer and
+turn red.
+
+I was so pleased with the little girl's brightness that I could have
+kissed the dear child, and I would if she'd been six years older.
+
+I think my companions intended makin a day of it, for they all had
+sandwiches, sassiges, etc. The sad-lookin man, who had wanted us to drop
+a tear afore we started to go round, fling'd such quantities of sassige
+into his mouth that I expected to see him choke hisself to death; he
+said to me, in the Beauchamp Tower, where the poor prisoners writ their
+onhappy names on the cold walls, "This is a sad sight."
+
+"It is indeed," I ansered. "You're black in the face. You shouldn't eat
+sassige in public without some rehearsals beforehand. You manage it
+orkwardly."
+
+"No," he said, "I mean this sad room."
+
+Indeed, he was quite right. Tho' so long ago all these drefful things
+happened, I was very glad to git away from this gloomy room, and go
+where the rich and sparklin Crown Jewils is kept. I was so pleased with
+the Queen's Crown, that it occurd to me what a agree'ble surprise it
+would be to send a sim'lar one home to my wife; and I asked the Warder
+what was the vally of a good well-constructed Crown like that. He told
+me, but on cypherin up with a pencil the amount of funs I have in the
+Jint Stock Bank, I conclooded I'd send her a genteel silver watch
+instid.
+
+And so I left the Tower. It is a solid and commandin edifis, but I deny
+that it is cheerful. I bid it adoo without a pang.
+
+    (_From_ "PUNCH," _by permission of the Proprietors_.)
+
+
+
+
+MR. CAUDLE HAS LENT AN ACQUAINTANCE THE FAMILY UMBRELLA.
+
+DOUGLAS JERROLD.
+
+
+"That's the third umbrella gone since Christmas. _What were you to do?_
+Why let him go home in the rain, to be sure. I'm very certain there was
+nothing about _him_ that could spoil. Take cold, indeed! He doesn't look
+like one of the sort to take cold. Besides, he'd have better taken cold
+than take our only umbrella. Do you hear the rain, Mr. Caudle? I say, do
+you hear the rain? And as I'm alive, if it isn't St. Swithin's day! Do
+you hear it, against the windows? Nonsense; you don't impose upon me.
+You can't be asleep with such a shower as that! Do you hear it, I say?
+Oh, you _do_ hear it! Well, that's a pretty flood, I think, to last for
+six weeks; and no stirring all the time out of the house. Pooh! don't
+think me a fool, Mr. Caudle. Don't insult _me_. _He_ return the
+umbrella! Anybody would think you were born yesterday. As if anybody
+ever _did_ return an umbrella! There--do you hear it? Worse and worse?
+Cats and dogs, and for six weeks--always six weeks. And no umbrella!
+
+"I should like to know how the children are to go to school to-morrow?
+They shan't go through such weather, I'm determined. No: they shall
+stop at home and never learn anything--the blessed creatures!--sooner
+than go and get wet. And when they grow up, I wonder who they'll have to
+thank for knowing nothing--who, indeed, but their father? People who
+can't feel for their own children ought never to be fathers.
+
+"But I know why you lent the umbrella. Oh, yes; I know very well. I was
+going out to tea at dear mother's to-morrow--you knew that; and you did
+it on purpose. Don't tell me; you hate me to go there, and take every
+mean advantage to hinder me. But don't you think it, Mr. Caudle. No,
+sir; if it comes down in buckets-full, I'll go all the more. No: and I
+won't have a cab, where do you think the money's to come from? You've
+got nice high notions at that club of yours. A cab, indeed! Cost me
+sixteen-pence at least--sixteen pence! two and sixpence, for there's
+back again. Cabs, indeed! I should like to know who's to pay for 'em; I
+can't pay for 'em; and I'm sure you can't, if you go on as you do;
+throwing away your property, and beggaring your children--buying
+umbrellas!
+
+"Do you hear the rain, Mr. Caudle? I say, do you hear it? But I don't
+care--I'll go to mother's to-morrow, I will; and what's more, I'll walk
+every step of the way--and you know that will give me my death. Don't
+call me a foolish woman, it's you that's the foolish man. You know I
+can't wear clogs; and with no umbrella, the wet's sure to give me a
+cold--it always does. But what do you care for that? Nothing at all. I
+may be laid up for what you care, as I dare say I shall--and a pretty
+doctor's bill there'll be. I hope there will! It will teach you to lend
+your umbrellas again. I shouldn't wonder if I caught my death; yes; and
+that's what you lent the umbrella for. Of course!
+
+"Nice clothes I shall get too, trapesing through weather like this. My
+gown and bonnet will be spoilt quite. _Needn't I wear 'em, then?_
+Indeed, Mr. Caudle, I _shall_ wear 'em. No, sir, I'm not going out a
+dowdy to please you or anybody else. Gracious knows! it isn't often that
+I step over the threshold; indeed, I might as well be a slave at
+once,--better, I should say. But when I do go out, Mr. Caudle, I choose
+to go like a lady. Oh! that rain--if it isn't enough to break in the
+windows.
+
+"Ugh! I do look forward with dread for to-morrow! How I am to go to
+mother's I'm sure I can't tell. But if I die, I'll do it. No, sir; I
+won't borrow an umbrella. No; and you shan't buy one. Now, Mr. Caudle,
+only listen to this; if you bring home another umbrella, I'll throw it
+in the street. I'll have my own umbrella, or none at all.
+
+"Ha! and it was only last week I had a new nozzle put to that umbrella.
+I'm sure, if I'd have known as much as I do now, it might have gone
+without one for me. Paying for new nozzles, for other people to laugh at
+you. Oh, it's all very well for you--you can go to sleep. You've no
+thought of your poor patient wife, and your own dear children. You think
+of nothing but lending umbrellas.
+
+"Men, indeed!--call themselves lords of the creation!--pretty lords,
+when they can't even take care of an umbrella.
+
+"I know that walk to-morrow will be the death of me. But that's what you
+want--then you may go to your club, and do as you like--and then, nicely
+my poor dear children will be used--but then, sir, then you'll be happy.
+Oh, don't tell me! I know you will. Else you'd never have lent the
+umbrella!
+
+"You have to go on Thursday about that summons; and, of course, you
+can't go. No, indeed, you _don't_ go without the umbrella. You may lose
+the debt for what I care--it won't be so much as spoiling your
+clothes--better lose it: people deserve to lose debts who lend
+umbrellas!
+
+"And I should like to know how I'm to go to mother's without the
+umbrella? Oh, don't tell me that I said I would go--that's nothing to do
+with it; nothing at all. She'll think I'm neglecting her, and the little
+money we were to have, we shan't have at all--because we've no umbrella.
+
+"The children, too! Dear things! They'll be sopping wet: for they shan't
+stop at home--they shan't lose their learning; it's all their father
+will leave 'em, I'm sure. But they _shall_ go to school. Don't tell me I
+said they shouldn't: you are so aggravating, Caudle; you'd spoil the
+temper of an angel. They _shall_ go to school; mark that. And if they
+get their deaths of cold, it's not my fault--I didn't lend the
+umbrella!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"At length," writes Caudle, "I fell asleep; and dreamt that the sky was
+turned into green calico, with whalebone ribs; that, in fact, the whole
+world turned round under a tremendous umbrella!"
+
+    (_By permission of_ MESSRS. BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO.)
+
+
+
+
+DOMESTIC ASIDES.
+
+TOM HOOD.
+
+
+  "I really take it very kind,
+    This visit, Mrs. Skinner,
+  I have not seen you such an age--
+    (The wretch has come to dinner!)
+
+  "Your daughters, too, what loves of girls--
+    What heads for painters' easels!
+  Come here, and kiss the infant, dears--
+    (And give it, p'raps, the measles!)
+
+  "Your charming boys I see are home
+    From Reverend Mr. Russell's;
+  'Twas very kind to bring them both--
+    (What boots for my new Brussels!)
+
+  "What! little Clara left at home?
+    Well now, I call that shabby:
+  I should have loved to kiss her so--
+    (A flabby, dabby, babby!)
+
+  "And Mr. S., I hope he's well,
+    Ah! though he lives so handy,
+  He never drops in now to sup--
+    (The better for our brandy!)
+
+  "Come, take a seat--I long to hear
+    About Matilda's marriage;
+  You've come, of course, to spend the day!
+    (Thank heaven, I hear the carriage!)
+
+  "What! must you go? Next time I hope
+    You'll give me longer measure;
+  Nay--I shall see you down the stairs--
+    (With most uncommon pleasure!)
+
+  "Good-bye! good-bye! remember all,
+    Next time you'll take your dinners!
+  (Now, David, mind I'm not at home
+    In future to the Skinners!")
+
+    (_By permission of_ MESSRS. WARD, LOCK, & CO.)
+
+
+
+
+THE CHARITY DINNER.
+
+LITCHFIELD MOSELEY.
+
+
+TIME: half-past six o'clock. Place: The London Tavern. Occasion:
+Fifteenth Annual Festival of the Society for the Distribution of
+Blankets and Top-Boots among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands.
+
+On entering the room, we find more than two hundred noblemen, and
+gentlemen already assembled; and the number is increasing every minute.
+There are many well-known city diners here this evening. That very
+ordinary looking personage, with the rubicund complexion and pimply
+features, is old Moneypenny, senior partner of the great firm of
+Moneypenny, Blodgers, and Wobbles, corn factors of Mark Lane. He began
+the world as a fellowship porter, and always makes a rule of attending
+the principal dinners at the London Tavern, "because," as he says
+confidentially, to Wobbles, "don't you see, my boy, it's a very cheap
+way of getting into society." He is talking now to Sir Sandy McHaggis, a
+Scotch baronet, with a slender purse and a large appetite, with whom he
+has scraped an acquaintance, and presented with a spare ticket for the
+festival; knowing that the Scotchman is "varra fond o' a gude dinner,
+specially when it costs a mon nothing at all." The preparations are now
+complete, and we are in readiness to receive the chairman. After a short
+pause, a little door at the end of the room opens, and the great man
+appears, attended by an admiring circle of stewards and toadies,
+carrying white wands, like a parcel of charity-school boys bent on
+beating the bounds. He advances smilingly to his post at the principal
+table, amid deafening and long-continued cheers.
+
+He is a very popular man, this chairman; for is he not the Earl of
+Mount-Stuart, late one of Her Majesty's Cabinet Ministers? and his
+wealth and party influence are known to be enormous.
+
+The dinner now makes its appearance, and we yield up ourselves to the
+enjoyments of eating and drinking. These important duties finished, and
+grace having been beautifully sung by the vocalists, the real business
+of the evening commences. The usual loyal toasts having been given, the
+noble chairman rises, and, after passing his fingers through his hair,
+he places his thumbs in the armholes of his waistcoat, gives a short
+preparatory cough, accompanied by a vacant stare round the room, and
+commences as follows:--
+
+  "MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN--It is with mingled pleasure and regret that I
+  appear before you this evening: of pleasure, to find that this
+  excellent and world-wide-known society is in so promising a
+  condition; and, of regret, that you have not chosen a worthier
+  chairman; in fact, one who is more capable than myself of dealing with
+  a subject of such vital importance as this. (Loud cheers). But,
+  although I may be unworthy of the honour, I am proud to state that I
+  have been a subscriber to this society from its commencement; feeling
+  sure that nothing can tend more to the advancement of civilization,
+  social reform, fireside comfort, and domestic economy among the
+  cannibals, than the diffusion of blankets and top-boots. (Tremendous
+  cheering, which lasts for several minutes.) Here, in this England of
+  ours, which is an island surrounded by water, as I suppose you all
+  know--or, as our great poet so truthfully and beautifully expresses
+  the same fact, 'England bound in by the triumphant sea'--what, down
+  the long vista of years, have conduced more to our successes in arms,
+  and arts and song, than blankets? Indeed, I never gaze upon a blanket
+  without my thoughts reverting fondly to the days of my early
+  childhood. Where should we all have been now but for those warm and
+  fleecy coverings? My Lords and Gentlemen! Our first and tender
+  memories are all associated with blankets: blankets when in our
+  nurses' arms, blankets in our cradles, blankets in our cribs, blankets
+  to our French bedsteads in our schooldays, and blankets to our marital
+  four-posters now. Therefore, I say, it becomes our bounden duty as
+  men,--and, with feelings of pride, I add, as Englishmen--to initiate
+  the untutored savage, the wild and somewhat uncultivated denizen of
+  the prairie, into the comfort and warmth of blankets; and to supply
+  him, as far as practicable, with those reasonable, seasonable,
+  luxurious, and useful appendages. At such a moment as this, the lines
+  of another poet strike familiarly upon the ears. Let me see, they are
+  something like this--
+
+    "Blankets have charms to soothe the savage breast,
+    And to--to, do--a----"
+
+  I forget the rest. (Loud cheers.) Do we grudge our money for such a
+  purpose? I answer, fearlessly, No! Could we spend it better at home? I
+  reply most emphatically, No! True, it may be said that there are
+  thousands of our own people who at this moment are wandering about the
+  streets of this great metropolis without food to eat or rags to cover
+  them. But what have we to do with them? Our thoughts, our feelings,
+  and our sympathies, are all wafted on the wings of charity to the dear
+  and interesting cannibals in the far-off islands of the green Pacific
+  Ocean. (Hear, hear.) Besides, have not our own poor the workhouses to
+  go to; the luxurious straw of the casual wards to repose upon, if they
+  please; the mutton broth to bathe in; and the ever toothsome, although
+  somewhat scanty, allowance of 'toke' provided for them? And let it
+  ever be remembered that our own people are not savages, and
+  man-eaters; and, therefore, our philanthropy would be wasted upon
+  them. (Overwhelming applause.) To return to our subject. Perhaps some
+  person or persons here may wonder why we should not send out
+  side-springs and bluchers, as well as top-boots. To those I will say,
+  that top-boots alone answer the object desired--namely, not only to
+  keep the feet dry, but the legs warm, and thus to combine the double
+  use of shoes and stockings. Is it not an instance of the remarkable
+  foresight of this society, that it purposely abstains from sending out
+  any other than top-boots? To show the gratitude of the cannibals for
+  the benefits conferred upon them, I will just mention that, within the
+  last few weeks, his Illustrious Majesty, Hokee Pokey Wankey Fum the
+  First, surnamed by his loving subjects, 'The Magnificent,' from the
+  fact of his wearing, on Sundays, a shirt-collar and an eye-glass as
+  full court costume--has forwarded the president of this society a very
+  handsome present, consisting of two live alligators, a boa
+  constrictor, and three pots of preserved Indian, to be eaten with
+  toast; and I am told, by competent judges, that it is quite equal to
+  Russian caviare.
+
+  "MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN--I will not trespass on your patience by
+  making any further remarks; knowing how incompetent I am--no, no! I
+  don't mean that--how incompetent you all are--no! I don't mean
+  either--but you all know what I mean. Like the ancient Roman lawgiver,
+  I am in a peculiar position; for the fact is, I cannot sit down--I
+  mean to say, that I cannot sit down without saying that, if there ever
+  _was_ an institution, it is _this_ institution; and therefore, I beg
+  to propose, 'Prosperity to the Society for the Distribution of
+  Blankets and Top-boots among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands.'"
+
+The toast having been cordially responded to, his lordship calls upon
+Mr. Duffer, the secretary, to read the report. Whereupon that gentlemen,
+who is of a bland and oily temperament, and whose eyes are concealed by
+a pair of green spectacles, produces the necessary document, and reads,
+in the orthodox manner,--
+
+  "Thirtieth Half-yearly Report of the Society for the Distribution of
+  Blankets and Top-boots to the Natives of the Cannibal Islands.
+
+  "The society having now reached its fifteenth anniversary, the
+  committee of management beg to congratulate their friends and
+  subscribers on the success that has been attained.
+
+  "When the society first commenced its labours, the generous and
+  noble-minded natives of the islands, together with their king--a chief
+  whose name is well known in connexion with one of the most stirring
+  and heroic ballads of this country--attired themselves in the light
+  but somewhat insufficient costume of their tribe--viz., little before,
+  nothing behind, and no sleeves, with the occasional addition of a pair
+  of spectacles; but now, thanks to this useful association, the upper
+  classes of the cannibals seldom appear in public without their bodies
+  being enveloped in blankets and their feet encased in top-boots.
+
+  "When the latter useful articles were first introduced into the
+  islands, the society's agents had a vast amount of trouble to prevail
+  upon the natives to apply them to their proper purposes; and, in their
+  work of civilization, no less than twenty of its representatives were
+  massacred, roasted, and eaten. But we persevered; we overcame the
+  natural antipathy of the cannibals to wear any covering to their feet;
+  until after a time, the natives discovered the warmth and utility of
+  boots; and now they can scarcely be induced to remove them until they
+  fall off through old age.
+
+  "During the past half year, the society has distributed no less than
+  71 blankets and 128 pairs of top-boots; and your committee, therefore,
+  feel convinced that they will not be accused of inaction. But a great
+  work is still before them; and they earnestly invite co-operation, in
+  order that they may be enabled to supply the whole of the cannibals
+  with these comfortable, nutritious, and savoury articles.
+
+  "As the balance-sheet is rather a lengthy document, I will merely
+  quote a few of the figures for your satisfaction. We have received,
+  during the half-year, in subscriptions, donations, and legacies, the
+  sum of L5,403 6_s._ 83/4_d._ Rent, rates, and taxes, L305 10_s._
+  01/4_d._ Seventy-one pairs of blankets, at 20_s._ per pair, have
+  taken L71 exactly; and 128 pairs of tops-boots, at 21_s._ per pair,
+  cost us L134 some odd shillings. The salaries and expenses of
+  management amount to L1,307 4_s._ 21/2_d._; and sundries, which
+  include committee meetings and travelling expenses, have absorbed the
+  remainder of the sum, and amount to L3,268 9_s._ 13/4_d._ So that we
+  have expended on the dear and interesting cannibals the sum of L205,
+  and the remainder of the sum--amounting to L5,198--has been devoted to
+  the working expenses of the society."
+
+The reading concluded, the secretary resumes his seat amid heavy
+applause, which continues until Mr. Alderman Gobbleton rises, and, in a
+somewhat lengthy and discursive speech--in which the phrases, "the
+Corporation of the City of London," "suit and service," "ancient guild,"
+"liberties and privileges," and "Court of Common Council," figure
+frequently, states that he agrees with everything the noble chairman has
+said; and has, moreover, never listened to a more comprehensive and
+exhaustive document than the one just read; which is calculated to
+satisfy even the most obtuse and hard-headed of individuals.
+
+Gobbleton is a great man in the City. He has either been Lord Mayor, or
+sheriff, or something of the sort; and, as a few words of his go a long
+way with his friends and admirers, his remarks are very favourably
+received.
+
+"Clever man, Gobbleton!" says a common councilman, sitting near us, to
+his neighbour, a languid swell of the period.
+
+"Ya-as, vewy! Wemarkable style of owatowy--and gweat fluency," replies
+the other.
+
+But attention, if you please!--for M. Hector de Longuebeau, the great
+French writer, is on his legs. He is staying in England for a short
+time, to become acquainted with our manners and customs.
+
+  "MILORS AND GENTLEMANS!" commences the Frenchman, elevating his
+  eyebrows, and shrugging his shoulders. "Milors and Gentlemans--You
+  excellent chairman, M. le Baron de Mount-Stuart, he have say to me,
+  'Make de toast.' Den I say to him dat I have no toast to us; but he
+  nudge my elbow ver soft, and say dat dere is von toast dat nobody but
+  von Frenchman can make proper; and, derefore, wid you kind permission,
+  I will make de toast. 'De brevete is de sole of de feet,' as you great
+  philosopher, Dr. Johnson, do say, in dat amusing little work of his,
+  de Pronouncing Dictionnaire; and derefore, I vill not say ver moch to
+  de point. Ven I vas a boy, about so moch tall, and used for to
+  promenade de streets of Marseilles et of Rouen, vid no feet to put
+  onto my shoe, I nevare to have expose dat dis day vould to have
+  arrive. I vas to begin de vorld as von garcon--or, vat you call in dis
+  countrie, von vaitaire in a cafe--vere I vork ver hard, vid no
+  habillemens at all to put onto myself, and ver little food to eat,
+  excep' von old bleu blouse vat vas give to me by de proprietaire, just
+  for to keep myself fit to be showed at, but, tank goodness, tings dey
+  have change ver moch for me since dat time, and I have rose myself,
+  seulement par mon industrie et perseverance. (Loud cheers.) Ah! mes
+  amis! ven I hear to myself de flowing speech, de oration magnifique of
+  you Lor' Maire, Monsieur Gobbledown, I feel dat it is von great
+  privilige for von etranger to sit at de same table, and to eat de same
+  food, as that grand, dat majestique man, who are de terreur of de
+  voleurs and de brigands of de metropolis; and who is also, I for to
+  suppose, a halterman and de chef of you common scoundrel. Milors and
+  gentlemans, I feel dat I can perspire to no greatare honneur dan to be
+  von common scoundrelman myself; but helas! dat plaisir are not for me,
+  as I are not freeman of your great cite, not von liveryman servant of
+  von of you compagnies joint-stock. But I must not forget de toast.
+  Milors and Gentlemans! De immortal Shakespeare he have write, 'De ting
+  of beauty are de joy for nevermore.' It is de ladies who are de toast.
+  Vat is more entrancing dan de charmante smile, de soft voice, de
+  vinking eye of de beautiful lady? It is de ladies who do sweeten de
+  cares of life. It is de ladies who are de guiding stars of our
+  existence. It is de ladies who do cheer but not inebriate; and,
+  derefore, vid all homage to dere sex, de toast dat I have to propose
+  is, 'De Ladies! God bless dem all!'"
+
+And the little Frenchman sits down amid a perfect tempest of cheers.
+
+A few more toasts are given, the list of subscriptions is read, a vote
+of thanks is passed to the noble chairman; and the Fifteenth Annual
+Festival of the Society for the Distribution of Blankets and Top-boots
+among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands is at an end.
+
+    (_Copyright of_ MESSRS. F. WARNE & CO.)
+
+
+
+
+ACTING WITH A VENGEANCE.
+
+W. SAPTE, JUN.
+
+
+  Methinks 'tis a very remarkable "sign
+  Of the times"--I must own this expression's not mine--
+              How in these latter days
+              The theatrical craze
+  Has obtained such a hold on all grades of society;
+              And this love of the stage
+              Is a mark of the age
+  Which is not in accord with _my_ views of propriety.
+
+  'Twas only last week a young lady I know
+  Invited the world in a body to go
+              (On a wretched wet day)
+              To a dull _matinee_,
+  When she made her _debut_ in the "Hunchback," as Julia;
+              A part which to act is
+              A thing of long practice,
+  Surely ne'er was conceit more absurd or unrulier.
+
+  How can amateur actors commence at the top
+  Of the Thespian Tree, and avoid coming flop?
+              It would seem very queer
+              If a young volunteer
+  Should begin by commanding the Royal Horse Artillery,
+              Or if babies should bilk
+              Their allowance of milk
+  And insist upon sucking from bottles of Sillery.
+              So it mostly occurs
+              That an amateur errs,
+  And gets chaffed for possessing less skill than audacity,
+              When he tackles a part
+              Without learning the art,
+  And exposes his natural want of capacity--
+  And what is more painful, his lack of sagacity.
+
+              I'm bound to admit
+              I was rather once bit
+  By the mania myself in a mild sort of way;
+              Paid a half-guinea fee
+              To the Zeus A.D.C.,
+  And found myself cast for a part in a play.
+  I think 'twas the Bandit Brothers of Brighton--
+              Or Eastbourne, or Yarmouth--
+              Or Hastings, or Barmouth--
+  I forget for the moment which place was the right 'un--
+              But I know there's a chief,
+              Who at last comes to grief,
+  After numerous blood-curdling adventures and rescues,
+  Such as frequently writers in modern burlesque use.
+
+              Now the part of the chief
+              Who comes to grief
+  Was secured by a hot-tempered youth, named O'Keefe;
+              In spite of the jealousy
+              Of two other fellows, he
+  Cast himself as the leader, without hesitation,
+  And resented remarks with extreme indignation.
+              So the others were fain
+              Their rage to contain,
+  And one e'en accepted the part which was reckoned
+  To be, on the whole, the one that ranked second.
+
+  The local Town Hall was engaged, which would hold
+  Some three hundred people--the tickets were sold--
+  The purchasers wishing to help the good charity
+              We played for; some adding
+              Donations, and gladding
+  The treasurer's heart to a state of hilarity.
+              Rehearsals galore
+              Were to take place before
+  The _debut_ on the boards of the Zeus A.D.C.--
+  For the members were earnest as earnest could be.
+              Well, the opening one
+              Was rather good fun,
+  For we found that the practice of vigorous fighting
+  'Twixt Bandits and Coastguards was rather exciting;
+              But later, you know
+              It got rather slow
+  For those who were "supers" to constantly go
+  And lay the same victims perpetually low,
+  With time after time the identical blow.
+
+              But Mr. O'Keefe,
+              Who played the chief,
+  Had a time less monotonous, greatly, than ours,
+  And always kept up the rehearsals for hours.
+              Still he wasn't quite happy,
+              And often got snappy,
+  For Richard McEwen, who'd wanted to play
+  The part of the chief, and used often to say
+  He'd have done it himself in a much better way,
+  Was by no means contented, thus feeling superior
+  To play "seconds" to Keefe, his decided inferior.
+
+              So he did what he could
+              To annoy the great K.,
+              And misunderstood,
+              In a scandalous way,
+  All the stage-manager's proper directions,
+  And refused to accept either hints or corrections.
+
+  Now in the third act, the time being night,
+  The scene on the beach, there's a hand-to-hand fight
+              'Twixt the Bandit chief
+              (That's Mr. O'Keefe)
+  And the coastguard captain, Mr. McEwen,
+              In which 'tis agreed
+              That the first shall succeed,
+  While the latter comes in for no end of a hewing.
+
+  But Richard McEwen was strong and quick,
+  And a very good hand with the single-stick,
+              And he didn't see why
+              He should quietly die
+  By the sword of a man, much less clever at fencing.
+              So he _would_ give a twist
+              Of his muscular wrist,
+  Which disarmed the brave Bandit soon after commencing.
+
+              The rage of O'Keefe
+              Exceeded belief,
+  For McEwen _would_ do it at ev'ry rehearsal;
+              The manager vowed
+              It could not be allowed,
+  And the company's protests became universal.
+
+              McEwen explained
+              That he thought the piece gained
+  By his showing his skill--how could anyone doubt it?
+              "There's more credit," said he,
+              "To the chief than there'd be
+  If he killed a weak chap who knew nothing about it."
+  And he went on to say that O'Keefe wasn't fit
+  For the part of the chief, and could not fence a bit.
+              O'Keefe in reply,
+              Gave McEwen the lie,
+              And vowed he would kick him
+              Or otherwise "lick" him,
+  While his eyes flashed like those of a tiger or leopard. He
+              Induced us to think
+              That his rival must shrink
+  From placing himself in such obvious jeopardy.
+
+  He did so--and afterwards things all went smoothly,
+  While O'Keefe played his part in a manner quite Booth-ly,
+  Or, as somebody said, without meaning to gush,
+  He'd have put Henry Irving himself to the blush.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  As soon as the public performance drew nigh
+  The local excitement ran awfully high,
+              For reports had been spread
+              (By the club, be it said)
+  That something uncommonly good was expected,
+              And so on the day
+              We turned people away
+  From the doors, where quite early a crowd had collected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Well, the overture over, the drama began,
+  But, thanks to our casual property man,
+              The rise of the curtain
+              Was somewhat uncertain.
+  In fact, for five minutes or so the thing _stuck_--
+              Which was terrible luck!
+              And affected the play,
+              At least, so I should say,
+  For the opening act went decidedly tamely,
+  Though O'Keefe and his bandits stuck to it most gamely.
+              There was not much applause,
+              Which perhaps was because
+  Our audience was certainly very genteel,
+  And thought it was rude folks should show what they feel;
+              Still, we should have preferred
+              Some "bravos!" to have heard.
+  And two or three gentlemen seemingly napping,
+  We thought might have better employed themselves clapping.
+
+              If first act went badly
+                The second quite dragged;
+              The actors worked sadly,
+                All interest flagged.
+  And though very often we caught people laughing,
+  The occasions they chose made us think they were chaffing.
+
+  Next came act the third, in which the O'Keefe
+  Was to be very great as the terrible chief,
+              For in it he killed
+              His rival, and spilled
+  The gore of the coastguards all over the coast,
+              And eloped with a bride,
+              Who beheld him with pride
+  Though she could herself of a coronet boast.
+              As a matter of fact
+              We hoped that this act
+  Would redeem in a measure the ones that preceded,
+              And it opened so well,
+              And O'Keefe looked so swell,
+  That at last we obtained the encouragement needed.
+              And then came the fight.
+              No one thought, on that night,
+  That McEwen would dare try his vile _tour de force_;
+              And the battle began
+              On the well-rehearsed plan,
+  While the supers made ready to bear off his corse.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Whatever induced him to do it? Who knows?
+  He says 'twas an accident. Well, I suppose,
+              When a man tells you that,
+              A denial too flat
+  Might perhaps lead to arguments, even to blows.
+              But, be that as it may,
+              The O'Keefe _couldn't_ slay
+              His opponent, whose wrist
+              All at once gave a twist,
+  And the brave bandit's weapon went flying away!
+  The supers stood spellbound, as over the stage
+  Strode the maddened O'Keefe; in a frenzy of rage
+  He picked up his sword, and then went for his foe
+              In terrible earnest.
+              Oh, that was the sternest,
+              Most truculent fight
+              Ever fought in the sight
+  Of innocent people, who shouted "Bravo!"
+  Little knowing how soon the real blood was to flow.
+
+              Thank Heaven, the swords
+              Were as blunt as two boards!
+  Otherwise the result would have been simply frightful.
+              As it was, every whack
+              Make the deuce of a crack,
+  While the audience considered it clearly delightful.
+              With th' applause at its height,
+              This most bloodthirsty fight,
+  By a blow from the skilful McEwen was ended.
+              O'Keefe fell as if dead,
+              With a gash on his head;
+  The supers rushed forward, the curtain descended.
+
+              Talk about clapping!
+              And walking-stick rapping!
+  While even the gentlemen formerly napping,
+              "Bravoed" themselves hoarse
+              With the whole of their force,
+  And made their fat palms quite tender with slapping.
+  "O'Keefe! and McEwen!" was shouted by all,
+  Why the deuce don't they come and acknowledge the call?
+              Then some people said
+              "That blow on the head--
+  Was it part of the play?--or"--ah, see, in the hall
+  A youth--he's a member, as that ribbon shows--
+  See! to Doctor Pomander he stealthily goes--
+              To the doctor, who sat
+              With his coat and his hat
+  Just under his seat, that he need not delay
+  If a patient should send to fetch him away;
+  But who never expected to find _in_ the hall
+  A patient--and much less a bandit--at all!
+
+              Anxiety now
+              Takes the place of the row,
+              And people talk low
+              And ask "Shall they go?"
+  When before the dropped curtain there comes with a bow
+              The stage-manager suave,
+              With a countenance grave,
+  To announce that although there's nought serious the matter,
+              (Here applause and some chatter)
+              Still, in the late fight
+              The _wrong_ man beat the _right_,
+  And that therefore the show was at end for the night.
+
+              Thus the bandit chief
+              Came duly to grief,
+  Though not in the way that the author intended,
+              And as for his head
+              Ere he went home to bed,
+  The doctor had seen that 'twas properly mended.
+  This, friends, was the end of the drama for me,
+  And for most, I believe, of the Zeus A.D.C.,
+              Whose need of success
+              May indeed have been less
+  Than that usually obtained by such clubs and societies;
+              But be that as it may,
+              I have e'er from that day
+  Placed amateur acting among th' improprieties.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+MY FORTNIGHT AT WRETCHEDVILLE.
+
+GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA.
+
+
+How I came to be acquainted with Wretchedville was in this wise. I was
+in quest last autumn of a nice quiet place within a convenient distance
+of town, where I could finish an epic poem--or stay, was it a five-act
+drama?--on which I had been long engaged, and where I could be secure
+from the annoyance of organ-grinders, and of reverend gentlemen leaving
+little subscription books one day and calling for them the next. I pined
+for a place where one could be very snug, and where one's friends didn't
+drop in "just to look you up, old fellow," and where the post didn't
+come in too often. So I picked up a bag of needments, and availing
+myself of a mid-day train on the Great Domdaniel Railway, alighted
+haphazard at a station.
+
+It turned out to be Sobbington. I saw at a glance that Sobbington was
+too fashionable, not to say stuck-up for me. The waltz from "Faust" was
+pianofortetically audible from at least half-a-dozen semi-detached
+windows; and this, combined with some painful variations on "Take,
+then, the sabre," and a cursory glance into a stationer's shop and fancy
+warehouse, where two stern mammas of low-church aspect were purchasing
+the back numbers of "The New Pugwell Square Pulpit," and three young
+ladies were telegraphically inquiring, behind their parents' backs, of
+the young person at the counter whether any letters had been left for
+them, sufficed to accelerate my departure from Sobbington. The next
+station on the road, I was told, was Doleful Hill, and then came
+Deadwood Junction. I thought I would take a little walk, and see what
+the open and what the covert yielded.
+
+I left my bag with a moody porter at the Sobbington Station, and trudged
+along the road which had been indicated to me as leading to Doleful
+Hill. It is true that I had not the remotest idea of where I was going
+to live. I walked onwards and onwards, admiring the field cows in the
+far-off pastures--cows the white specks on whose hides recurred so
+artistically that one might have thought the scenic arrangement of the
+landscape had been entrusted to Mr. Birket Foster. Anon I saw coming
+towards me, a butcher-boy in his cart, drawn by a fast trotting pony. I
+asked him when he neared me, how far it might be to Doleful Hill.
+
+"Good two mile," quoth the butcher-boy, pulling up. "But you'll have to
+pass Wretchedville first. Lays in a 'ole a little to the left, 'arf a
+mile on."
+
+"Wretchedville," thought I; what an odd name! "What sort of a place is
+it?" I inquired.
+
+"Well," replied the butcher-boy; "it's a lively place, a werry lively
+place. I should say it was lively enough to make a cricket burst himself
+for spite: it's so uncommon lively." And with this enigmatical
+deliverance the butcher-boy relapsed into a whistle of the utmost
+shrillness, and rattled away towards Sobbington.
+
+I wish that it had not been quite so golden an afternoon. A little
+dulness, a few clouds in the sky, might have acted as a caveat against
+Wretchedville. But I plodded on and on, finding all things looking
+beautiful in that autumn glow, until at last I found myself descending
+the declivitous road into Wretchedville and to destruction.
+
+"Were there any apartments to let?" Of course there were. The very first
+house I came to was, as regards the parlour-window, nearly blocked up by
+a placard treating of "Apartments Furnished." Am I right in describing
+it as the parlour-window? I scarcely know; for the front door, with
+which it was on a level, was approached by such a very steep flight of
+steps, that when you stood on the topmost grade, it seemed as though,
+with a very slight effort, you could have peeped in at the bed-room
+window, or touched one of the chimney-pots; while as concerns the
+basement, the front kitchen--I beg pardon, the breakfast
+parlour--appeared to be a good way above the level of the street.
+
+The space in the first-floor window not occupied by the placard, was
+filled by a monstrous group of wax fruit, the lemons as big as pumpkins,
+and the leaves of an unnaturally vivid green. The window below--it was a
+single-windowed front--served merely as a frame for the half-length
+portrait of a lady in a cap, ringlets, and a colossal cameo brooch. The
+eyes of this portrait were fixed upon me; and before almost I had lifted
+a very small light knocker, decorated, so far as I could make out, with
+the cast-iron effigy of a desponding ape, and had struck this against a
+door, which to judge from the amount of percussion produced, was
+composed of Bristol board highly varnished, the portal itself flew open
+and the portrait of the basement appeared in the flesh; indeed, it was
+the same portrait. Downstairs it had been Mrs. Primpris looking out into
+the Wretchedville Road for lodgers. Upstairs it was Mrs. Primpris
+letting her lodgings and glorying in the act.
+
+She didn't ask for any references. She didn't hasten to inform me that
+there were no children or any other lodgers. She didn't look doubtful
+when I told her that the whole of my luggage consisted of a black bag
+which I had left at the Sobbington Station. She seemed rather pleased
+with the idea of the bag, and said that her Alfred should step round for
+it. She didn't object to smoking; and she at once invested me with the
+Order of the Latchkey--a latchkey at Wretchedville, ha! ha! She further
+held me with her glittering eye, and I listened like a two-years' child
+while she let me the lodgings for a fortnight certain.
+
+She had converted me into a single gentleman lodger of quiet and retired
+habits--or was I a widower of independent means seeking a home in a
+cheerful family?--so suddenly that I beheld all things as in a dream.
+Thinking, perchance, that the first stone of that monumental edifice,
+the bill, could not be laid too quickly, she immediately provided me
+with tea. There was a little cottage-loaf, so hard, round, shiny, and
+compact, that I experienced a well-nigh uncontrollable desire to fling
+it up to the ceiling to ascertain whether it would chip off any portion
+of a preposterous rosette in stucco in the centre, representing a
+sunflower surrounded by cabbage-leaves. This terrible ornament was, by
+the way, one of the chief sources of my misery at Wretchedville: I was
+continually apprehensive that it would tumble down bodily on the table.
+In addition to the cottage-loaf there was a pretentious tea-pot, which,
+had it been of sterling silver, would have been worth fifty guineas, but
+which in its ghastly gleaming, said plainly, "Sheffield" and
+"imposture." There was a piece of butter in a "shape" like a diminutive
+haystack, and with a cow sprawling on the top in unctuous plasticity. It
+was a pallid kind of butter, from which with difficulty you shaved off
+adipocerous scales, which would not be persuaded to adhere to the bread,
+but flew off at tangents and went rolling about an intolerably large
+tea-tray on whose papier-mache surface was depicted the death of Captain
+Hedley Vicars. The Crimean sky was inlaid with mother-of-pearl, and the
+gallant captain's face was highly enriched with blue and crimson
+foil-paper.
+
+As for the tea, I don't think I ever tasted such a peculiar mixture. Did
+you ever sip warm catsup sweetened with borax? _That_ might have been
+something like it. And what was that sediment, strongly resembling the
+sand at Great Yarmouth, at the bottom of the cup? I sat down to my meal,
+however, and made as much play with the cottage-loaf as I could. Had the
+loaf been varnished? It smelt and looked as though it had undergone that
+process. Everything in the house smelt of varnish. I was uncomfortably
+conscious, too, during my repast--one side of the room being all
+window--that I was performing the part of a "Portrait of the Gentleman
+on the first floor," and that, as such, I was "sitting" to Mrs. Lucknow
+at Number Twelve opposite--I knew her name was Lucknow, for a brass
+plate on the door said so--whose own half-length effigy was visible in
+her own breakfast-parlour window glowering at me reproachfully because I
+had not taken her first floor, in the window of which was, not a group
+of wax fruit, but a sham alabaster vase full of artificial flowers.
+Every window in Wretchedville exhibited one or other of these ornaments,
+and it was from their contemplation that I began to understand how it
+was that the "fancy goods" trade in the Minories and Houndsditch throve
+so well. They made things there to be purchased by the housekeepers of
+Wretchedville.
+
+The shades of evening fell, and Mrs. Primpris brought me in a monstrous
+paraffin-lamp, the flame of which wouldn't do anything but lick the
+chimney-glass till it smoked it to the proper hue to observe eclipses
+by, and then splutter into extinction and charnel-like odour. After that
+we tried a couple of composites (six to the pound) in green glass
+candlesticks. I asked Mrs. Primpris if she could send me up a book to
+read, and she favoured me, _per_ Alfred and Selina, with her whole
+library, consisting of the Asylum Press Almanack for 1860; two odd
+volumes of the Calcutta Directory; the Brewer and Distiller's Assistant;
+Julia de Crespigny, or a Winter in London; Dunoyer's French Idioms; and
+the Reverend Mr. Huntingdon's Bank of Faith.
+
+I took out my cigar-case after this and began to smoke; and then I heard
+Mrs. Primpris coughing and a number of doors being thrown wide open.
+Upon this I concluded that I would go to bed. My sleeping apartment--the
+first-floor back--was a perfect cube. One side was a window overlooking
+a strip of clay-soil hemmed in between brick walls. There were no
+tombstones yet, but if it wasn't a cemetery, why, when I opened the
+window to get rid of the odour of the varnish, did it smell like one?
+The opposite side of the cube was composed of a chest of drawers. I am
+not impertinently curious by nature, but as I was the first-floor
+lodger, bethought myself entitled to open the top long drawer with a
+view to the bestowal of the contents of my black bag. The drawer was not
+empty; but that which it held made me feel very nervous. I suppose the
+weird figure I saw stretched out there with pink arms and legs sprouting
+from a shroud of silver paper, a quantity of ghastly auburn curls, and
+two blue glass eyes unnaturally gleaming in the midst of a mask of
+salmon-coloured wax, was Selina's best doll; the present perhaps of her
+uncle, who was, haply, a Calcutta director, or an Asylum Press Almanack
+maker, or a brewer and distiller, or a cashier in the Bank of Faith. I
+shut the drawer again hurriedly, and that doll in its silver paper
+cerecloth haunted me all night.
+
+The third side of my bedroom consisted of chimney--the coldest, hardest,
+brightest-looking fire-place I ever saw out of Hampton Court Palace
+guardroom. The fourth side was door. I forget into which corner was
+hitched a wash-hand stand. The ceiling was mainly stucco rosette, of the
+pattern of the one in my sitting-room. Among the crazes which came over
+me at this time, was one to the effect that this bedroom was a cabin on
+board ship, and that if the ship should happen to lurch or roll in the
+trough of the sea, I must infallibly tumble out of the door or the
+window, or into the drawer where the doll was--unless the drawer and the
+doll came out to me--or up the chimney. I think that I murmured
+"Steady!" as I clomb into bed.
+
+My couch--an "Arabian" one, Mrs. Primpris said proudly--seemingly
+consisted of the Logan, or celebrated rocking-stone of Cornwall, loosely
+covered with bleached canvas, under which was certain loose foreign
+matter, but whether composed of flocculi of wool or of the halves of
+kidney potatoes I am not in a position to state. At all events I awoke
+in the morning veined all over like a scagliola column. I never knew,
+too, before, that any blankets were manufactured in Yorkshire, or
+elsewhere, so remarkably small and thin as the two seeming flannel
+pocket-handkerchiefs with blue-and-crimson edging, which formed part of
+Mrs. Primpris's Arabian bed-furniture. Nor had I hitherto been aware, as
+I was when I lay with that window at my feet, that the moon was so very
+large. The orb of night seemed to tumble on me flat, until I felt as
+though I were lying in a cold frying-pan. It was a "watery moon," I have
+reason to think; for when I awoke the next morning, much battered with
+visionary conflicts with the doll, I found that it was raining cats and
+dogs.
+
+"The rain," the poet tells us, "it raineth every day." It rained most
+prosaically all that day at Wretchedville, and the next, and from Monday
+morning till Saturday night, and then until the middle of the next week!
+Dear me! dear me! how wretched I was! I hasten to declare that I have no
+kind of complaint to make against Mrs. Primpris. Not a flea was felt in
+her house. The cleanliness of the villa was so scrupulous as to be
+distressing. It smelt of soap and scrubbing-brush like a Refuge. Mrs.
+Primpris was strictly honest, even to the extent of inquiring what I
+would like to have done with the fat of cold mutton-chops, and sending
+me up antediluvian crusts, the remnants of last week's cottage-loaves,
+with which I would play moodily at knock-'em-downs, using the
+pepper-caster as a pin. I have nothing to say against Alfred's fondness
+for art. India-rubber to be sure, is apter to smear than to obliterate
+drawings in chalk; but a three-penny piece is not much; and you cannot
+too early encourage the imitative faculties. And again, if Selina did
+require correction, I am not prepared to deny that a shoe may be the
+best implement and the blade bones the most fitting portion of the human
+anatomy for such an exercitation.
+
+I merely say that I was wretched at Wretchedville, and that Mrs.
+Primpris's apartments very much aggravated my misery. The usual
+objections taken to a lodging-house are to the effect that the furniture
+is dingy, the cooking execrable, the servant a slattern, and the
+landlady either a crocodile or a tigress. Now my indictment against my
+Wretchedville apartments simply amounts to this: that everything was too
+new. Never were there such staring paper-hangings, such gaudily printed
+druggets for carpets, such blazing hearthrugs--one representing the dog
+of Montargis seizing the murderer of the Forest of Bondy--such gleaming
+fire-irons, and such remarkably shiny looking-glasses with gilt halters
+for frames. The crockery was new, and the glue on the chairs and tables
+was scarcely dry. The new veneer peeled off the new chiffonier. The
+roller-blinds to the windows were so new that they wouldn't work. The
+new stair-carpeting used to dazzle my eyes so, that I was always
+tripping myself up; the new oil-cloth in the hall smelt like the Trinity
+House repository for new buoys; and Mrs. Primpris was always full
+dressed by nine o'clock in the morning. She confessed once or twice
+during my stay that her house was not quite "seasoned." It was not even
+seasoned to sound. Every time the kitchen-fire was poked you heard the
+sound in the sitting-room. As to perfumes, whenever the lid of the
+copper in the wash-house was raised, the first-floor lodger was aware of
+the fact. I knew by the simple evidence of my olfactory organs what Mrs.
+Primpris had for dinner every day. Pork, accompanied by some green
+esculent, boiled, predominated.
+
+When my fortnight's tenancy had expired--I never went outside the house
+until I left it for good--and my epic poem, or whatever it was, had more
+or less been completed, I returned to London, and had a rare bilious
+attack. The doctor said it was painter's colic; I said at the time it
+was disappointed ambition, for the booksellers had looked very coldly on
+my poetical proposals, and the managers to a man had refused to read my
+play; but at this present writing I believe the sole cause of my malady
+to have been Wretchedville. I hope they will pull down the villas and
+build the jail there soon, and that the rascal convicts will be as
+wretched as I was.
+
+    (_From_ "UNDER THE SUN," _by permission of_ MESSRS. VIZETELLY & CO.)
+
+
+
+
+THE SORROWS OF WERTHER.
+
+W. M. THACKERAY.
+
+
+  Werther had a love for Charlotte
+    Such as words could never utter;
+  Would you know how first he met her
+    She was cutting bread and butter.
+
+  Charlotte was a married lady,
+    And a moral man was Werther,
+  And for all the wealth of Indies
+    Would do nothing for to hurt her.
+
+  So he sighed, and pined, and ogled,
+    And his passion boiled, and bubbled,
+  Till he blew his silly brains out,
+    And no more was by it troubled.
+
+  Charlotte having seen his body
+    Borne before her on a shutter,
+  Like a well-conducted person,
+    Went on cutting bread and butter.
+
+
+
+
+MORAL MUSIC.
+
+(BY AN EXPERIMENTER.)
+
+
+I am in a humble sphere of life--a hairdresser's assistant, in fact; but
+I have a thirst for improving my mind, and regularly attend the evening
+classes at our institute. It was there I read in a magazine about morals
+and music. The writer discussed the question whether music by itself,
+unpolluted by words, had any "mental significance or moral power." I
+left off reading, rather puzzled, but I am of a practical turn of mind.
+I joined our bricklaying class at the institute last term, and, although
+I nip my fingers a good deal, still it has made me inclined to put all
+new truths to the test of experiment. So I determined to experiment on
+myself, and see what mental significance and moral power music
+possessed, if any. I regulated my life very carefully during the trial,
+so that no outside influence should spoil the result. I weighed and
+measured out my food and drink, abstained from pickles and sensation
+literature, denied myself the exciting pleasure of Jemima's company on
+Thursday and Sunday, and, to counterbalance the language of some of our
+ruder customers, and to give morals an even chance, I slept with a tract
+under my pillow. I started with a quite unprejudiced mind, for the
+attention I had paid to music before was mostly measured by the loudness
+of it. I took a seat at St. James's Hall in good time, and opened my
+mind and morals for impressions. First of all, a man came on the
+platform and began, as far as I could see, to tune the piano. I thought
+he ought to have done this before the advertised time of opening, but
+when he got off the stool, the people all began to applaud him, and on
+inquiring, I found that the man I had taken for the tuner was really the
+giver of the concert, and that he had been playing one of his own
+compositions. So I lost this experiment altogether. However, soon after
+the player returned with a violinist, and they started a duet. I set my
+teeth. If there was any significance or moral in a violin and piano
+mixed, I determined to have it. I had first fleeting visions before my
+mind of all the creatures I had ever seen in pain. There was the squeak
+of a rat caught in a trap; there was the same sort of shriek Jemima gave
+when I took her to have a tooth out; and there was the loud wail which
+accompanies the conversion of pig into pork. But this was only the first
+chapter. The players stopped, and began again; and the next chapter
+plunged me among the industrial arts. Under the influence of the magic
+instruments I saw the foundation of England's greatness. There was an
+athletic carpenter industriously sawing wood. There was a grindstone
+putting an edge on an axe. There were a number of whirrs, which brought
+back vividly a loom I had seen at work at an exhibition, and there was a
+rather asthmatic smith striking his anvil and coughing between every
+blow.
+
+But this was not all. They began a third chapter, and I was immediately
+among lolly-pops. All the nicest things I had ever tasted stood before
+me in a row. There was a pot full of apricot jam; there was some roast
+beef gravy, than which, taken on the knife, I know nothing more
+toothsome; there was a sixpenny strawberry ice, and a nice cut of lamb
+and mint sauce to finish up with. I was sorry when they left off, but
+glad to find I was on the trace of a moral. The piece was evidently a
+musical embodiment of a clean shave: the first part was the misery of
+laying your head back and having your nose tweaked; the second was the
+being scraped; and the last was the happy moment when you stretch your
+limbs, pass your satisfied hand over your smooth chin, and nod to
+yourself complacently in the glass. The moral was obvious; that it is a
+duty to get shaved, and not to shave yourself, but to go to the
+professional man. My next experiment was to hear a young lady sing. She
+came on the platform, looking lovely, and she had on a sash and a dress
+improver that I never saw equalled for elegance. My hopes rose at the
+sight of her. I felt sure that so much beauty could not be otherwise
+than moral. "Oh, do be moral! do be moral!" I kept saying to myself, as
+the accompanist opened fire on her song. A dreadful thought then arose:
+the words of her song would taint the experiment, which was to be on
+music alone. But, to my delight, I could not catch a word of what she
+sang. It was all pure music. Her sweet song suggested to me as follows:
+I first saw her running up stairs and down again as fast as ever she
+could, and then she sat down on the mat to rest, while the piano panted.
+Then she drew out from somewhere one long, straight note, thick in the
+middle and tapering off at each end, so seductive that I fancied myself
+a storm-tossed mariner listening to a mermaid. I could almost feel the
+waves of the Margate boat gurgle around me. Then she drew a jug of hot
+water out of the boiler--at least, that was its intellectual
+significance to me, because the note went steadily rising upwards, with
+little splashes in between, just like the sound of the water when I draw
+a jug to shave a customer. Then she ran upstairs again like lightning,
+and disappeared through the tiles, while the pianist banged the front
+door to. I am sure there was a splendid moral to all this, for she
+looked so beautiful and smiled so sweetly; but I am undecided whether
+the moral was that I was to sign the pledge, or that I was not to go to
+concerts without Jemima as a safeguard.
+
+I next gave myself up bodily to what they called a "concerto." When I
+saw several gentlemen come on to the platform, with a variety of
+instruments, I thought it would be a more serious experiment than the
+others, and so it proved. I kept my eyes on them when they first began,
+but they looked so comical--one with his cheeks blown out, another with
+his hair as if it had just been machined, another trying to get his arm
+round his fiddle's waist, and another jerking his eyes out of his
+head--that I felt it was not giving the music a fair chance, so I shut
+my own eyes tight. As soon as I had done so there was no end of
+intellectual significance. I was in a pleasure van just starting for
+Hampton Court, with Jemima. There was the jog trot of the horses, and
+every now and then the skid put on; there was laughter and the puffing
+of pipes, and occasionally a loud roar, as we crossed a big
+thoroughfare. We soon got into the country and heard the birds chirping,
+and there was a sweet gurgling sound, which intimated to me that the men
+on the box had broached the four-gallon cask. I was just getting ready
+for a glass, when all at once the whole scene vanished. The music had
+stopped, and when it began again things were much altered for the worse.
+With the first note I felt a shudder go down my vitals. Something was
+coming, I did not know what. I felt just like being woke up in bed by a
+strange noise, and no matches handy, and my razors open to everybody on
+the table. Then I heard the bass fiddle say distinctly, "Prepare to meet
+your doom" several times over, while the violins tried to sneer at me,
+and the piano rattled chains in the corner. This was very trying, but
+worse was to follow. There were faint cries and sobs from the next room,
+as though murder was going on; there were long silences which were worse
+to bear than any sound; then someone began to work softly at the door
+with a centre bit, and there were rumblings as though someone else was
+letting himself down the chimney. I fancied I could almost see his leg.
+Then there was another hush, and thank heaven, I could tell by the
+hand-clapping that that part was over. It was about time, for the mental
+significance had got quite over-powering. There was then a total change.
+The music took me back in a second to the last ball I had been to--the
+eighteen-penny one, refreshments extra. I was dancing all the dances at
+once, and all the girls were making up to me, and it only made Jemima
+smile. That was a really delightful mental significance, and I could
+have done with more of it. But I doubt whether the concerto on the whole
+was moral. I am sure that ice down the back cannot be good for anyone,
+nor can I see, in cool moments, that raising the animal spirits so many
+degrees above proof is proper. I have not yet concluded my experiments.
+I have still to try the effects of a cornet solo; and the flute, as well
+as the concertina, the bones, and the banjo. But I have no doubt that if
+more people would try my plan, and honestly state the results, we should
+in time get at the truth of this matter of moral music.
+
+    (_From the_ "EVENING STANDARD.")
+
+
+
+
+BILLY DUMPS, THE TAILOR.
+
+CHARLES CLARK.
+
+
+Billy Dumps was very fond of spending his evenings with his two cronies,
+Natty Dyer, a shoemaker, and Neddy Tueson, an umbrella mender, at the
+"Cunning Cat," just round the corner. This worthy trio seldom left their
+favourite haunt before closing time, much to the disgust of their
+respective helpmates, Mrs. Dumps in particular.
+
+Billy Dumps was a tailor, working as _he_ termed it on his own hook. As
+his prices were moderate, and his work durable, he earned a pretty good
+living, making and mending for his neighbours, chiefly of the dock
+labouring class; but his nightly orgies at the "Cunning Cat" made sad
+inroads into his hard earnings, which tended much to sour Betsy's
+otherwise naturally good temper.
+
+The climax was reached one eventful evening, on the occasion of a
+Free-and-Easy being held at the old quarters, after which, Billy, for
+prudential reasons, was escorted home at midnight by his two associates,
+all fully bent on informing the sleeping neighbourhood at the top of
+their voices that they were "jolly good fellows," supplemented by a
+further assertion of, "and so say all of us!" Finishing up by depositing
+the confiding tailor at full length in his own front passage, through
+the door being inadvertently left ajar, where he laid and snored in
+blissful ignorance of the trials and troubles of this life until rather
+rudely awakened, and then somewhat briskly assisted upstairs, by Betsy
+and a broom handle.
+
+"Now, Mister Billy Dumps, I am tired of sitting up for you night after
+night, and mean to do so no longer. So if you are not in when our clock
+strikes ten, I locks the door and you finds other lodgings," exclaimed
+Betsy his wife, on the morning after the Free-and-Easy.
+
+Tailor Dumps felt small after the previous night's dissipation, and
+determined to get home earlier and sober that evening. But under the
+influence of the soothing pipe, the nut-brown ale, and the merry laugh
+and jest of his boon companions, he was induced to forget his late
+resolution, and to prolong his stay at the "Cunning Cat" until aroused
+to the fact that it was ten o'clock and closing-time. On reaching home,
+all was still and dark. Strange! he went round to the back door and
+thumped loudly. The bed-room casement flew open with a bang, from which
+instantly protruded the night-capped head of the wife of his bosom.
+Billy at once tried the high hand, shouting, "Now then, sleepy, what's
+yer game? Be spry and open sharp!"
+
+No. She wasn't going to be spry, neither was she sleepy; and as to her
+little game--she had locked him out according to promise, so didn't
+intend unlocking again that night. Not if she knew it. Oh no!
+
+"Now, Betsy, don't be a fool, you'll repent it," he urged.
+
+_She_ wasn't a fool, she answered. In her opinion, he was the biggest
+fool to be hammering and shivering outside at that time of night, when
+he might have been comfortably lying in a warm bed hours ago. As for
+repentance--she thought that would be more on his side of the door, for
+she felt comfortable--very.
+
+Billy fumed and stormed, and fully felt the ridiculousness of his
+position, especially as he heard sounds of the neighbouring casements
+stealthily unclose, and suppressed indications of merriment issuing
+therefrom. But Billy stormed to no purpose. Betsy coolly recommended him
+to go back where he had spent such a pleasant evening. She was sure Mrs.
+Mudge, the landlady, would be only too pleased to accommodate him with a
+lodging. If she wasn't, she ought to be, considering the time and money
+he spent in her house.
+
+But Billy had his own ideas of that arrangement, so still lingered,
+determined to try another tack. He promised amendment, but Betsy was
+sceptical. He appealed to her feelings. "Let me in, Betsy, for I am
+cold!" That she could not help; as he had made his bed so he must lie.
+He then became affectionate. "Oh Betsy, you are unkind: remember old
+times, remember our wedding-day!" he pleaded, thinking to touch her that
+way. But Betsy was not going to be had by soft sawder, for she promptly
+rejoined, "Remember our wedding-day, you drunken sot? _I do_ to my
+sorrow, no fear of my forgetting that great mistake. But, as I told you
+before, into this house this blessed night you do not step. No, not if
+you were to go on your knees and beg for it!"
+
+"Ah, Betsy. You'll be sorry for this when too late. I'm determined to
+end my misery. I'll jump down the well and drown myself. And you'll be
+the cause of it!" whined Billy.
+
+The night was dark. Betsy felt a little relenting as she heard her
+husband groping about in the wood shed. Then she could dimly discern him
+making for the well; plainly hear the creaking of the hinges and the lid
+thrown back with a thud. Then came the cry of "Good bye, Betsy, I'm
+gone!" The dull sound of a heavy body plunging into the water--a gasping
+moan, and all was still.
+
+Betsy's old affection for her erring husband at once returned with
+tenfold force, for she raced downstairs, rushing into the darkness,
+shrieking for help.
+
+The neighbours were aroused. Men and women tumbled out of their back
+doors in such scanty dishabille that would have charmed a sculptor.
+Betsy, still screeching like a bagpipe, had to be forcibly restrained
+from jumping to the rescue by the bystanders.
+
+Dick Ward, the blacksmith, thrust the bucket-pole into the well, singing
+out, "Lay hold, Billy, if ye ain't too fur gone!"
+
+"I can feel un," shouted Dick, as the pole struck some hard substance
+with a sounding smack.
+
+"My eye, Dick! he'll feel you too, if that's Billy's head you tapped,"
+said Nat; "it 'ud be one for his nob and no mistake."
+
+They caught a glimpse, by the uncertain light of a flaming candle, of a
+something floating low on the surface of the water.
+
+"His head feels as hard as a koker nut," said Dick, as the pole rattled
+on the dark object.
+
+"Why it seems off his shoulders, for it goes bobbing up and down like a
+dumplin in a soup-kettle!"
+
+Just then, to the astonishment of all, the well known voice of Billy
+Dumps was heard from the identical bed-room window that his wife had so
+lately vacated, shouting, "Hullo, you people. What the deuce are ye
+making such a rumpas for?"
+
+"A ghost! A ghost!" was the cry.
+
+"No fear," laughed the tailor. "But, Dick, as you have the pole in hand,
+I should feel obliged if you'd fish up my chopping-block which I dropped
+in there awhile ago!"
+
+Betsy Dumps at the sound of her husband's voice, made for the door, but
+found it fastened. "Let me in! Let me in! I am so glad you are safe!"
+she joyously exclaimed.
+
+"Not if I know it, Betsy. It's my turn now. _Into this house this
+blessed night you do not step. No, not if you were to go on your knees
+and beg for it!_"
+
+A loud laugh broke from the crowd, as the joke dawned on them. Betsy was
+being paid back in her own coin. The neighbourhood had been sold. The
+crafty tailor had secured the chopping-block from the wood shed, and
+popped it down the well as his substitute, then, in the darkness and
+confusion slipped back into the house unseen. Betsy, having been
+accommodated for the night by a friendly neighbour, the crowd dispersed,
+highly amused at the adventure. Early the next morning, Mrs. Dumps on
+returning home was surprised to find her husband up, a cheerful fire
+burning, and the breakfast ready. Taking her hand he gave her a hearty
+kiss, with this greeting, "Dear old woman, let bygones be bygones!" And
+they were, too; for from that time the "Cunning Cat" knew him no more.
+It struck him strongly that his wife's true affection shown in the hour
+of his supposed great danger was too precious to trifle with; as a proof
+that he kept his word, let it be added that anyone visiting that large
+thriving tailoring establishment in the High Street, would hardly
+recognise in the respectable dapper proprietor, Mr. William Dumps, the
+once drunken tailor so long a nightly nuisance to the neighbourhood.
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+
+
+ON PUNNING.
+
+THEODORE HOOK.
+
+
+  My little dears who learn to read, pray early learn to shun
+  That very silly thing indeed, which people call a pun.
+  Read Entick's rules, and 'twill be found, how simple an offence
+  It is to make the self-same sound afford a double sense.
+
+  For instance, _ale_ may make you _ail_, your _aunt_ an _ant_ may kill,
+  You in a _vale_ may buy a _veil_ and _Bill_ may pay the _bill_.
+  Or, if to France your bark may steer, at Dover it may be,
+  A _peer_ appears upon the _pier_, who, blind, still goes to _sea_.
+
+  Thus, one might say, when to a treat good friends accept our greeting,
+  'Tis _meet_ that men who _meet_ to eat should eat their _meat_ when
+          _meeting_.
+  Brawn on the _board's_ no bore indeed although from _boar_ prepared;
+  Nor can the _fowl_, on which we feed, _foul_ feeding he declared.
+
+  Thus, one ripe fruit may be a _pear_, and yet be _pared_ again,
+  And still no _one_, which seemeth rare until we do explain.
+  It therefore should be all your aim to spell with ample care;
+  For who, however fond of _game_, would choose to swallow _hair_?
+
+  A fat man's _gait_ may make us smile, who has no _gate_ to close;
+  The farmer, sitting on his _stile_ no _sty_lish person knows.
+  Perfumers, men of _scents_ must be, some _Scilly_ men are bright;
+  A _brown_ man oft _deep read_ we see, a _black_ a wicked _wight_.
+
+  Most wealthy men good _manors_ have, however vulgar they;
+  And actors still the harder slave the oftener they _play_.
+  So poets can't the _baize_ obtain, unless their tailors choose;
+  While grooms and coachmen not in vain each evening seek the _Mews_.
+
+  The _dyer_, who by _dying_ lives, a _dire_ life maintains;
+  The glazier, it is known, receives his profits for his _panes_.
+  By gardeners _thyme_ is tied, 'tis true, when spring is in its prime;
+  But _time_ and _tide_ won't wait for you if you are _tied_ for _time_.
+
+  Thus now you see, my little dears, the way to make a pun;
+  A trick which you, through coming years, should sedulously shun.
+  The fault admits of no defence, for wheresoe'er 'tis found,
+  You sacrifice the _sound_ for _sense_; the _sense_ is never _sound_.
+
+  So let your words and actions, too, one single meaning prove,
+  And just in all you say or do, you'll gain esteem and love.
+  In mirth and play no harm you'll know when duty's task is done;
+  But parents ne'er should let ye go un_pun_ished for a PUN.
+
+
+
+
+SEASIDE LODGINGS.
+
+PERCY REEVE.
+
+
+"Oh!" said Georgina Honeybee one afternoon, just before Good Friday,
+"_wouldn't_ it be nice to go away for Easter?"
+
+Now it so happened, that the notion was by no means displeasing to Mr.
+Honeybee. He longed for a change; the thought of sea-breezes enchanted
+him. He felt worried with work, and yearned to hie him away somewhere
+without leaving his address behind him. So it fell out that, almost for
+the first time in his married existence, he agreed to his wife's
+proposition without demur--and long before a week was over, he never
+regretted anything so much in all his life.
+
+With husband and wife of one mind (for a wonder), the preliminaries were
+speedily arranged. Swineleigh-on-Sea was selected as their destination.
+In less time than it takes to tell, Georgina was bustling about the
+house, giving parting instructions to the servants as to what they were
+to do during her absence (one would have thought she was going away for
+a year at least). Fanny (Mrs. Honeybee's maid, if you please) was
+packing-up her mistress's luggage, while John was being abused by his
+master for having no more idea than a child of how to fill a
+portmanteau. Everybody was hot and flurried, and the hall-door bell rang
+four times before it received the attention to which it was accustomed.
+
+Honeybee stood in his shirt-sleeves, and in his dressing-room, while his
+perspiring and nervous man endeavoured to put boots on the top of clean
+shirts. Georgina flitted about her bedroom, saying--"Yes; thank you; if
+you'll put in my tea-gown. Yes; thank you--now the linen. Yes; thank
+you--no, I shouldn't lay the sponge-bag on the top of my handkerchief
+case. Yes; thank you--now the braided dress;" and sundry pretty babble
+of that kind.
+
+At length everything was ready. A four-wheeled cab was called, and Mr.
+Honeybee, Georgina, and Fanny the maid, were soon driving across London
+to the railway-station. Their tickets got, the trio proceeded without
+adventure to Swineleigh, where, when she emerged from the slightly
+inferior class in which she had travelled, Fanny remarked to her
+mistress:
+
+"This don't seem half a bad sort of place, mum."
+
+Honeybee was beaming. His face seemed to say: "Ah! I tell you, when I
+_do_ take it into my head to go out for a holiday with my wife and her
+maid, I go to the right place, and I have things done properly." Poor
+man--he little knew.
+
+Swineleigh is, fortunately, not a large place, or its death rate would
+have more influence on the mortality statistics; but it is quite large
+enough to be unpleasant, and to make those who have once visited it
+swear they will never do so again. Honeybee had heard it was cheap from
+a gentleman friend, and Georgina had gathered from a lady acquaintance
+that it was quiet and respectable--hence the praiseworthy unanimity
+which had characterised their selection of this spot for the enjoyment
+of an Easter holiday. They had meant to put up at the Marine Hotel, but
+when they reached that modest edifice they found that all the rooms were
+engaged, excepting a couple of dog-holes somewhere near the roof, which,
+from their description, our party did not care to inspect. Honeybee was,
+however, directed to some lodgings which sounded as if they might suit,
+and with a crack of the whip, and a curse from the flyman, who had
+conveyed them thus far, the party started off on a fresh tack. When they
+reached Cronstadt Villa--for it was hither they were referred--Mr.
+Honeybee opened fire as follows upon the landlady who opened the door:
+
+"We come from the Marine Hotel. Can we have a large bed-room, a small
+bed-room, a dressing-room and a sitting-room?"
+
+"Yes," replied the landlady, somewhat reflectively, as if she felt
+inclined to add, "But what you mean by such impertinence I am at a loss
+to inquire."
+
+"Good!" rejoined Honeybee. "Will you have our luggage sent up as soon as
+may be? And we should like dinner pretty soon, as we have not had much
+lunch."
+
+"Come inside, please," said the landlady, grandly, to the trio in
+general. Then elbowing Fanny out of the way, she said to Mrs. Honeybee
+particularly: "Would you like to see your room?"
+
+"Thank you very much," returned Georgina, "I should."
+
+Then the newly-made friends walked upstairs together, leaving Honeybee
+and Fanny to get the luggage up, and to fight the flyman. Mercifully, a
+loafer turned up and volunteered to carry the boxes. Mr. Honeybee only
+paid the flyman three times his fare, but escaped without loss of blood.
+It is true the driver thought proper to curse him to the nethermost
+depths of hell, but what are you to do in a place like Swineleigh, where
+you might as well look for the Pope as for a policeman?
+
+At last the baggage was stowed in the different rooms indicated by the
+landlady. Fanny could not help smiling when the loafer set down
+Honeybee's portmanteau with a plump on her bed; and Georgina could not
+help saying "Oh!" when Fanny's box was hauled into _her_ room; but these
+little mistakes were soon rectified, and the loafer being evidently one
+of nature's noblemen, withdrew without further parley when he had
+received all the loose silver there was in the house. The landlady had
+not any change.
+
+"Now then," said Honeybee, when the door was fairly shut, "when can we
+have dinner, and of what will it consist?"
+
+"Dinner!" repeated the landlady, as if recalling by an effort the
+meaning of a word once familiar. "Have you not dined?"
+
+"Not to-day," replied Honeybee, jocosely; "but we do not want
+much--anything will do. How about a fried sole and a roast chicken?"
+
+It was now seven o'clock, and the landlady verified the fact by
+reference to a silver watch, which she plucked with a jerk from her
+waistband.
+
+"Shops are all closed now," she said, as it seemed, with some relief. "I
+might get you a steak, or a couple of chops."
+
+"If you will add bread and butter, the use of the cruets, and perchance
+some cheese or jam," suggested Honeybee in his most caressing tones,
+while his wife endeavoured vainly to prevent him treading upon what she
+knew was volcanic ground, "I'm sure we could manage for to-night."
+
+"Well, you'll have to," replied the landlady, in a surly voice, and then
+she rang the bell in the room, which was to be the Honeybee's dining,
+drawing, and smoking room for a week. To this summons a most horrible
+"maid" responded, and to her were consigned Georgina and her spouse. The
+landlady never was seen again until she came eventually to present the
+bill; but her voice was frequently heard. Honeybee's good-nature by this
+time was giving out; but he controlled himself.
+
+"Will you," said he, "get us some food ready as soon as you can? We
+would like a beef-steak. Will half-past seven be too early?"
+
+"No, sir," replied the maid, in a far-off voice; and she left the room.
+
+"Now," said Honeybee, "Georgina, my dearest, you must be tired. Come
+upstairs and change your dress; Fanny will get you hot water and see to
+you. I will just wash my hands and then take a short stroll. Come
+along."
+
+When they reached the bedroom they found Fanny in a great undertaking.
+Having unpacked Georgina's trunk, and littered the floor with dresses
+and parcels, she was about to arrange the different articles in the
+chest of drawers, when she found them all locked up.
+
+"This is absurd," said Honeybee; and he rang the bell. After a very
+long time the horrible maid appeared, and when asked why all the drawers
+were looked, replied, with a wild-eyed expression of face, that she
+supposed "missus's things was there." Desired to ask missus to remove
+them, or to provide other accommodation for her tenants, the wild-eyed
+one remarked that she "dursen't do it."
+
+Georgina, always trying to soothe troubled waters, observed, "Never
+mind; we shall get straight to-morrow somehow. I'm so tired; it does not
+matter for to-night. Only unpack what I absolutely want, Fanny; and you,
+dear," to her husband, "go and have a nice stroll, but be back by
+half-past seven, as I'm famishing."
+
+So enjoined, Honeybee kissed his wife, and withdrew.
+
+A cursory inspection of the contents of his portmanteau soon convinced
+him that John had omitted to put in a good many useful articles; and as
+Mr. Honeybee made a hasty toilette, he was pained to observe that he had
+brought with him an odd coat and waistcoat. Even this might have been
+borne, if the bottle containing his boot-varnish had not broken over his
+shirts; and with a heavy heart he sallied forth into the town to buy a
+tooth-brush.
+
+Having made his purchase, and also ordered some wine, he returned to the
+lodgings, where he found his wife waiting in the sitting-room warming
+her feet, while the maid laid the table. About five minutes to eight
+"dinner" was served. It consisted of a beef-steak that was raw, except
+in those parts which had been burnt to a cinder; some potatoes which
+were very black under the eyes, and extremely hard, were also served;
+and some of last week's bread, together with some pale butterine,
+completed the repast. The Honeybees endeavoured to eat a few mouthfuls,
+washed down with cold and not particularly pure water. Although the wine
+merchant had assured Honeybee that the rare vintage he had ordered would
+be "there before he was," the young man did not arrive with the bottles
+until the next morning.
+
+"Perhaps the night is too inclement for him to venture out," said
+Honeybee; "or perhaps he reflects that we shall drink coffee with our
+dinner, and only require wine at breakfast time."
+
+After dinner the Honeybees had a game of cribbage, but they did not
+enjoy it, and soon Georgina went up to bed. Honeybee left her with
+Fanny, and then came downstairs again to smoke. He rang the bell and
+asked the maid if he could have a bottle of soda-water.
+
+"The public 'ouses is all closed now," said she, as if repeating a
+lesson.
+
+"Then some plain water please," returned Honeybee dolefully.
+
+"You'll find some in your bedroom," was the reply.
+
+With a heavy heart Honeybee went upstairs and took a long and strong
+drink of brandy from his flask, diluted from the bottle on his
+wash-stand. A fearful night it was--the miserable couple passed it in
+fear and trembling. Outside the wind howled and made the ill-fitting
+windows rattle continuously. Within the blinds refused to draw down, and
+the feather bed was so meagrely filled with feathers that when sleep
+began to steal upon Honeybee, he awoke to find himself with his hip-bone
+grating against the iron frame of the bedstead. The draught came in
+under the door with some force. This was not surprising when one came to
+examine the distance between it and the floor. The interval seemed
+contrived so as to admit of the carpet being drawn out of the room
+without opening the door.
+
+Bruised and weary, the Honeybees rose next morning. It was raining very
+hard, as it had been all night. For breakfast they had some fried eggs
+and bacon. The eggs would have been all right if they had been warmed
+through; but Honeybee said raw egg was good for the voice. The bacon
+would have brought its own punishment to the Jew wicked enough to
+indulge in it. They read novels most of the morning. Georgina and Fanny
+were occasionally in consultation as to some proposed alterations to a
+dress. Honeybee looked out of the window like a caged lion.
+
+Ah, Heavens! but why should I follow further the agonies of these
+wretched people. Indeed, I shrink from recording the sickening details
+of their week's stay. The disgusting round of impertinence,
+uncleanliness, stupidity, and brutality to which they were subjected is
+too odious to recount. Suffice it to say that never had Waterloo Villa
+looked so fair as when the Honeybees returned to it after their
+"holiday," and Georgina literally danced round the bright clean
+dining-room table laid ready for dinner, while Honeybee threw himself
+groaning on to his bed, where he lay till aroused by the rattle of
+plates and dishes. My goodness, how he did eat! And how Georgina beamed!
+
+    (_By permission of the Author._)
+
+
+  THE END.
+
+
+  BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: Obvious misprints and punctuation errors have been
+silently corrected.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Humorous Readings and Recitations, by Various
+
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