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@@ -1 +1,6174 @@ -bab +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 366 *** + + + + +BAB: A SUB-DEB + +By Mary Roberts Rinehart + +Author Of "K," "The Circular Staircase," "Kings, Queens And Pawns," Etc. + + + + +CONTENTS + + +I. THE SUB-DEB + +II. THEME: THE CELEBRITY + +III. HER DIARY + + + + +CHAPTER I. THE SUB-DEB: A THEME WRITTEN AND SUBMITTED IN LITERATURE +CLASS BY BARBARA PUTNAM ARCHIBALD, 1917. + + +DEFINITION OF A THEME: + +A theme is a piece of writing, either true or made up by the author, +and consisting of Introduction, Body and Conclusion. It should contain +Unity, Coherence, Emphasis, Perspecuity, Vivacity, and Precision. It may +be ornamented with dialogue, description and choice quotations. + +SUBJECT OF THEME: + +An interesting Incident of My Christmas Holadays. + +Introduction: + +"A tyrant's power in rigor is exprest."--DRYDEN. + +I have decided to relate with precision what occurred during my recent +Christmas holiday. Although I was away from this school only four days, +returning unexpectedly the day after Christmas, a number of Incidents +occurred which I believe I should narrate. + +It is only just and fair that the Upper House, at least, should know +of the injustice of my exile, and that it is all the result of +circumstances over which I had no control. + +For I make this appeal, and with good reason. Is it any fault of mine +that my sister Leila is 20 months older than I am? Naturally, no. + +Is it fair also, I ask, that in the best society, a girl is a Sub-Deb +the year before she comes out, and although mature in mind, and even +maturer in many ways than her older sister, the latter is treated as a +young lady, enjoying many privileges, while the former is treated as a +mere child, in spite, as I have observed, of only 20 months difference? +I wish to place myself on record that it is NOT fair. + +I shall go back, for a short time, to the way things were at home when I +was small. I was very strictly raised. With the exception of Tommy Gray, +who lives next door and only is about my age, I was never permitted to +know any of the Other Sex. + +Looking back, I am sure that the present way society is organized is +really to blame for everything. I am being frank, and that is the way I +feel. I was too strictly raised. I always had a governess tagging along. +Until I came here to school I had never walked to the corner of the next +street unattended. If it wasn't Mademoiselle, it was mother's maid, and +if it wasn't either of them, it was mother herself, telling me to hold +my toes out and my shoulder blades in. As I have said, I never knew any +of the Other Sex, except the miserable little beasts at dancing school. +I used to make faces at them when Mademoiselle was putting on my +slippers and pulling out my hair bow. They were totally uninteresting, +and I used to put pins in my sash, so that they would get scratched. + +Their pumps mostly squeaked, and nobody noticed it, although I have +known my parents to dismiss a Butler who creaked at the table. + +When I was sent away to school, I expected to learn something of life. +But I was disappointed. I do not desire to criticize this institution of +learning. It is an excellent one, as is shown by the fact that the best +families send their daughters here. But to learn life one must know +something of both sides of it, male and female. It was, therefore, a +matter of deep regret to me to find that, with the exception of the +dancing master, who has three children, and the gardener, there were no +members of the sterner sex to be seen. + +The athletic coach was a girl! As she has left now to be married, I +venture to say that she was not what Lord Chesterfield so euphoniously +termed "SUAVITER IN MODO, FORTATER IN RE." + +When we go out to walk we are taken to the country, and the three +matinees a year we see in the city are mostly Shakespeare, arranged for +the young. We are allowed only certain magazines, the Atlantic Monthly +and one or two others, and Barbara Armstrong was penalized for having a +framed photograph of her brother in running clothes. + +At the school dances we are compelled to dance with each other, and the +result is that when at home at Holiday parties I always try to lead, +which annoys the boys I dance with. + +Notwithstanding all this it is an excellent school. We learn a great +deal, and our dear principal is a most charming and erudite person. But +we see very little of life. And if school is a preparation for life, +where are we? + +Being here alone since the day after Christmas, I have had time to think +everything out. I am naturally a thinking person. And now I am no longer +indignant. I realize that I was wrong, and that I am only paying the +penalty that I deserve although I consider it most unfair to be given +French translation to do. I do not object to going to bed at nine +o'clock, although ten is the hour in the Upper House, because I have +time then to look back over things, and to reflect, to think. + +"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." +SHAKESPEARE. + +BODY OF THEME: + +I now approach the narrative of what happened during the first four days +of my Christmas Holiday. + +For a period before the fifteenth of December, I was rather worried. All +the girls in the school were getting new clothes for Christmas parties, +and their Families were sending on invitations in great numbers, to +various festivities that were to occur when they went home. + +Nothing, however, had come for me, and I was worried. But on the 16th +mother's visiting Secretary sent on four that I was to accept, with +tiped acceptances for me to copy and send. She also sent me the good +news that I was to have two party dresses, and I was to send on my +measurements for them. + +One of the parties was a dinner and theater party, to be given by Carter +Brooks on New Year's Day. Carter Brooks is the well-known Yale Center, +although now no longer such but selling advertizing, ecetera. + +It is tragic to think that, after having so long anticipated that +party, I am now here in sackcloth and ashes, which is a figure of speech +for the Peter Thompson uniform of the school, with plain white for +evenings and no jewelry. + +It was with anticipatory joy, therefore, that I sent the acceptances and +the desired measurements, and sat down to cheerfully while away the time +in studies and the various duties of school life, until the Holidays. + +However, I was not long to rest in piece, for in a few days I received a +letter from Carter Brooks, as follows: + + +DEAR BARBARA: It was sweet of you to write me so promptly, although I +confess to being rather astonished as well as delighted at being called +"Dearest." The signature too was charming, "Ever thine." But, dear +child, won't you write at once and tell me why the waist, bust and hip +measurements? And the request to have them really low in the neck? Ever +thine, CARTER. + +It will be perceived that I had sent him the letter to mother, by +mistake. + +I was very unhappy about it. It was not an auspicious way to begin the +holidays, especially the low neck. Also I disliked very much having told +him my waist measure which is large owing to basket ball. + +As I have stated before, I have known very few of the Other Sex, but +some of the girls had had more experience, and in the days before we +went home, we talked a great deal about things. Especially Love. I felt +that it was rather over-done, particularly in fiction. Also I felt and +observed at divers times that I would never marry. It was my intention +to go upon the stage, although modified since by what I am about to +relate. + +The other girls say that I look like Julia Marlowe. + +Some of the girls had boys who wrote to them, and one of them--I refrain +from giving her name had--a Code. You read every third word. He called +her "Cousin" and he would write like this: + + +Dear Cousin: I am well. Am just about crazy this week to go home. See +notice enclosed you football game. + +And so on and on. Only what it really said was "I am crazy to see you." + +(In giving this code I am betraying no secrets, as they have quarreled +and everything is now over between them.) + +As I had nobody, at that time, and as I had visions of a career, I was +a man-hater. I acknowledge that this was a pose. But after all, what is +life but a pose? + +"Stupid things!" I always said. "Nothing in their heads but football and +tobacco smoke. Women," I said, "are only their playthings. And when they +do grow up and get a little intelligence they use it in making money." + +There has been a story in the school--I got it from one of the little +girls--that I was disappointed in love in early youth, the object of my +attachment having been the tenor in our church choir at home. I daresay I +should have denied the soft impeachment, but I did not. It was, although +not appearing so at the time, my first downward step on the path that +leads to destruction. + +"The way of the transgressor is hard"--Bible. + +I come now to the momentous day of my return to my dear home for +Christmas. Father and my sister Leila, who from now on I will term +"Sis," met me at the station. Sis was very elegantly dressed, and she +said: + +"Hello, Kid," and turned her cheek for me to kiss. + +She is, as I have stated, but 20 months older than I, and depends +altogether on her clothes for her beauty. In the morning she is plain, +although having a good skin. She was trimmed up with a bouquet of +violets as large as a dishpan, and she covered them with her hands when +I kissed her. + +She was waved and powdered, and she had on a perfectly new outfit. And +I was shabby. That is the exact word. Shabby. If you have to hang your +entire wardrobe in a closet ten inches deep, and put it over you on cold +nights, with the steam heat shut off at ten o'clock, it does not make it +look any better. + +My father has always been my favorite member of the family, and he was +very glad to see me. He has a great deal of tact, also, and later on he +slipped ten dollars in my purse in the motor. I needed it very much, +as after I had paid the porter and bought luncheon, I had only three +dollars left and an I. O. U. from one of the girls for seventy-five +cents, which this may remind her, if it is read in class, she has +forgotten. + +"Good heavens, Barbara," Sis said, while I hugged father, "you certainly +need to be pressed." + +"I daresay I'll be the better for a hot iron," I retorted, "but at least +I shan't need it on my hair." My hair is curly while hers is straight. + +"Boarding school wit!" she said, and stocked to the motor. + +Mother was in the car and glad to see me, but as usual she managed to +restrain her enthusiasm. She put her hands over some orchids she was +wearing when I kissed her. She and Sis were on their way to something or +other. + +"Trimmed up like Easter hats, you two!" I said. + +"School has not changed you, I fear, Barbara," mother observed. "I hope +you are studying hard." + +"Exactly as hard as I have to. No more, no less," I regret to +confess that I replied. And I saw Sis and mother exchange glances of +significance. + +We dropped them at the reception and father went to his office and I +went on home alone. And all at once I began to be embittered. Sis had +everything, and what had I? And when I got home, and saw that Sis had +had her room done over, and ivory toilet things on her dressing table, +and two perfectly huge boxes of candy on a stand and a ball gown laid +out on the bed, I almost wept. + +My own room was just as I had left it. It had been the night nursery, +and there was still the dent in the mantel where I had thrown a hair +brush at Sis, and the ink spot on the carpet at the foot of the bed, and +everything. + +Mademoiselle had gone, and Hannah, mother's maid, came to help me off +with my things. I slammed the door in her face, and sat down on the bed +and RAGED. + +They still thought I was a little girl. They PATRONIZED me. I would +hardly have been surprised if they had sent up a bread and milk supper +on a tray. It was then and there that I made up my mind to show them +that I was no longer a mere child. That the time was gone when they +could shut me up in the nursery and forget me. I was seventeen years and +eleven days old, and Juliet, in Shakespeare, was only sixteen when she +had her well-known affair with Romeo. + +I had no plan then. It was not until the next afternoon that the thing +sprung (sprang?) fullblown from the head of Jove. + +The evening was rather dreary. The family was going out, but not until +nine thirty, and mother and Leila went over my clothes. They sat, Sis +in pink chiffon and mother in black and silver, and Hannah took out my +things and held them up. I was obliged to silently sit by, while my rags +and misery were exposed. + +"Why this open humiliation?" I demanded at last. "I am the family +Cinderella, I admit it. But it isn't necessary to lay so much emphasis +on it, is it?" + +"Don't be sarcastic, Barbara," said mother. "You are still only a child, +and a very untidy child at that. What do you do with your elbows to rub +them through so? It must have taken patience and application." + +"Mother" I said, "am I to have the party dresses?" + +"Two. Very simple." + +"Low in the neck?" + +"Certainly not. A small v, perhaps." + +"I've got a good neck." She rose impressively. + +"You amaze and shock me, Barbara," she said coldly. + +"I shouldn't have to wear tulle around my shoulders to hide the bones!" +I retorted. "Sis is rather thin." + +"You are a very sharp-tongued little girl," mother said, looking up at +me. I am two inches taller than she is. + +"Unless you learn to curb yourself, there will be no parties for you, +and no party dresses." + +This was the speech that broke the camel's back. I could endure no more. + +"I think," I said, "that I shall get married and end everything." + +Need I explain that I had no serious intention of taking the fatal step? +But it was not deliberate mendacity. It was despair. + +Mother actually went white. She clutched me by the arm and shook me. + +"What are you saying?" she demanded. + +"I think you heard me, mother" I said, very politely. I was however +thinking hard. + +"Marry whom? Barbara, answer me." + +"I don't know. Anybody." + +"She's trying to frighten you, mother" Sis said. "There isn't anybody. +Don't let her fool you." + +"Oh, isn't there?" I said in a dark and portentous manner. + +Mother gave me a long look, and went out. I heard her go into father's +dressing-room. But Sis sat on my bed and watched me. + +"Who is it, Bab?" she asked. "The dancing teacher? Or your riding +master? Or the school plumber?" + +"Guess again." + +"You're just enough of a little simpleton to get tied up to some wretched +creature and disgrace us all." + +I wish to state here that until that moment I had no intention of going +any further with the miserable business. I am naturally truthful, +and deception is hateful to me. But when my sister uttered the above +disparaging remark I saw that, to preserve my own dignity, which I value +above precious stones, I would be compelled to go on. + +"I'm perfectly mad about him," I said. "And he's crazy about me." + +"I'd like very much to know," Sis said, as she stood up and stared at +me, "how much you are making up and how much is true." + +None the less, I saw that she was terrified. The family kitten, to speak +in allegory, had become a lion and showed its claws. + +When she had gone out I tried to think of some one to hang a love affair +to. But there seemed to be nobody. They knew perfectly well that the +dancing master had one eye and three children, and that the clergyman at +school was elderly, with two wives. One dead. + +I searched my past, but it was blameless. It was empty and bare, and +as I looked back and saw how little there had been in it but imbibing +wisdom and playing basket-ball and tennis, and typhoid fever when I +was fourteen and almost having to have my head shaved, a great wave of +bitterness agitated me. + +"Never again," I observed to myself with firmness. "Never again, if I +have to invent a member of the Other Sex." + +At that time, however, owing to the appearance of Hannah with a mending +basket, I got no further than his name. + +It was Harold. I decided to have him dark, with a very small black +mustache, and passionate eyes. I felt, too, that he would be jealous. +The eyes would be of the smoldering type, showing the green-eyed +monster beneath. + +I was very much cheered up. At least they could not ignore me any more, +and I felt that they would see the point. If I was old enough to have +a lover--especially a jealous one with the aforementioned eyes--I was old +enough to have the necks of my frocks cut out. + +While they were getting their wraps on in the lower hall, I counted my +money. I had thirteen dollars. It was enough for a plan I was beginning +to have in mind. + +"Go to bed early, Barbara," mother said when they were ready to go out. + +"You don't mind if I write a letter, do you?" + +"To whom?" + +"Oh, just a letter," I said, and she stared at me coldly. + +"I daresay you will write it, whether I consent or not. Leave it on the +hall table, and it will go out with the morning mail." + +"I may run out to the box with it." + +"I forbid your doing anything of the sort." + +"Oh, very well," I responded meekly. + +"If there is such haste about it, give it to Hannah to mail." + +"Very well," I said. + +She made an excuse to see Hannah before she left, and I knew THAT I WAS +BEING WATCHED. I was greatly excited, and happier than I had been for +weeks. But when I had settled myself in the library, with the paper +in front of me, I could not think of anything to say in a letter. So I +wrote a poem instead.= + +```"To H---- + +```"Dear love: you seem so far away, + +````I would that you were near. + +```I do so long to hear you say + +```Again, 'I love you, dear.'= + +```"Here all is cold and drear and strange + +````With none who with me tarry, + +```I hope that soon we can arrange + +````To run away and marry."= + +The last verse did not scan, exactly, but I wished to use the word +"marry" if possible. It would show, I felt, that things were really +serious and impending. A love affair is only a love affair, but marriage +is marriage, and the end of everything. + +It was at that moment, 10 o'clock, that the strange thing occurred which +did not seem strange at all at the time, but which developed into so +great a mystery later on. Which was to actually threaten my reason and +which, flying on winged feet, was to send me back here to school the +day after Christmas and put my seed pearl necklace in the safe deposit +vault. Which was very unfair, for what had my necklace to do with it? +And just now, when I need comfort, it--the necklace--would help to +relieve my exile. + +Hannah brought me in a cup of hot milk, with a Valentine's malted milk +tablet dissolved in it. + +As I stirred it around, it occurred to me that Valentine would be a good +name for Harold. On the spot I named him Harold Valentine, and I wrote +the name on the envelope that had the poem inside, and addressed it to +the town where this school gets its mail. + +It looked well written out. "Valentine," also, is a word that naturally +connects itself with AFFAIRS DE COUR. And I felt that I was safe, for as +there was no Harold Valentine, he could not call for the letter at the +post office, and would therefore not be able to cause me any trouble, +under any circumstances. And, furthermore. I knew that Hannah would not +mail the letter anyhow, but would give it to mother. So, even if there +was a Harold Valentine, he would never get it. + +Comforted by these reflections, I drank my malted milk, ignorant of +the fact that destiny, "which never swerves, nor yields to men the +helm"--Emerson, was stocking at my heels. + +Between sips, as the expression goes, I addressed the envelope to Harold +Valentine, and gave it to Hannah. She went out the front door with it, +as I had expected, but I watched from a window, and she turned right +around and went in the area way. So THAT was all right. + +It had worked like a Charm. I could tear my hair now when I think how +well it worked. I ought to have been suspicious for that very reason. +When things go very well with me at the start, it is a sure sign that +they are going to blow up eventually. + +Mother and Sis slept late the next morning, and I went out stealthily +and did some shopping. First I bought myself a bunch of violets, with a +white rose in the center, and I printed on the card: + +"My love is like a white, white rose. H." And sent it to myself. + +It was deception, I acknowledge, but having put my hand to the plow, +I did not intend to steer a crooked course. I would go straight to the +end. I am like that in everything I do. But, on deliberating things +over, I felt that Violets, alone and unsupported, were not enough. I felt +that If I had a photograph, it would make everything more real. After +all, what is a love affair without a picture of the Beloved Object? + +So I bought a photograph. It was hard to find what I wanted, but I got +it at last in a stationer's shop, a young man in a checked suit with a +small mustache--the young man, of course, not the suit. Unluckily, he +was rather blonde, and had a dimple in his chin. But he looked exactly +as though his name ought to be Harold. + +I may say here that I chose "Harold," not because it is a favorite name +of mine, but because it is romantic in sound. Also because I had never +known any one named Harold and it seemed only discrete. + +I took it home in my muff and put it under my pillow where Hannah would +find it and probably take it to mother. I wanted to buy a ring too, to +hang on a ribbon around my neck. But the violets had made a fearful hole +in my thirteen dollars. + +I borrowed a stub pen at the stationer's and I wrote on the photograph, +in large, sprawling letters, "To YOU from ME." + +"There," I said to myself, when I put it under the pillow. "You look +like a photograph, but you are really a bomb-shell." + +As things eventuated, it was. More so, indeed. + +Mother sent for me when I came in. She was sitting in front of her +mirror, having the vibrator used on her hair, and her manner was +changed. I guessed that there had been a family counsel over the poem, +and that they had decided to try kindness. + +"Sit down, Barbara," she said. "I hope you were not lonely last night?" + +"I am never lonely, mother. I always have things to think about." + +I said this in a very pathetic tone. + +"What sort of things?" mother asked, rather sharply. + +"Oh--things," I said vaguely. "Life is such a mess, isn't it?" + +"Certainly not. Unless one makes it so." + +"But it is so difficult. Things come up and--and it's hard to know what +to do. The only way, I suppose, is to be true to one's belief in one's +self." + +"Take that thing off my head and go out, Hannah," mother snapped. "Now +then, Barbara, what in the world has come over you?" + +"Over me? Nothing." + +"You are being a silly child." + +"I am no longer a child, mother. I am seventeen. And at seventeen there +are problems. After all, one's life is one's own. One must decide----" + +"Now, Barbara, I am not going to have any nonsense. You must put that +man out of your head." + +"Man? What man?" + +"You think you are in love with some driveling young Fool. I'm not +blind, or an idiot. And I won't have it." + +"I have not said that there is anyone, have I?" I said in a gentle +voice. "But if there was, just what would you propose to do, mother?" + +"If you were three years younger I'd propose to spank you." Then I +think she saw that she was taking the wrong method, for she changed her +tactics. "It's the fault of that silly school," she said. (Note: +These are my mother's words, not mine.) "They are hotbeds of sickly +sentimentality. They----" + +And just then the violets came, addressed to me. Mother opened them +herself, her mouth set. "My love is like a white, white rose," she said. +"Barbara, do you know who sent these?" + +"Yes, mother," I said meekly. This was quite true. I did. + +I am indeed sorry to record that here my mother lost her temper, and +there was no end of a fuss. It ended by mother offering me a string of +seed pearls for Christmas, and my party dresses cut V front and back, if +I would, as she phrased it, "put him out of my silly head." + +"I shall have to write one letter, mother," I said, "to--to break things +off. I cannot tear myself out of another's life without a word." + +She sniffed. + +"Very well," she said. "One letter. I trust you to make it only one." + +I come now to the next day. How true it is, that "Man's life is but a +jest, a dream, a shadow, bubble, air, a vapor at the best!" + +I spent the morning with mother at the dressmakers and she chose two +perfectly spiffing things, one of white chiffon over silk, made modified +Empire, with little bunches of roses here and there on it, and when she +and the dressmaker were haggling over the roses, I took the scissors and +cut the neck of the lining two inches lower in front. The effect was +positively impressive. The other was blue over orchid, a perfectly +passionate combination. + +When we got home some of the girls had dropped in, and Carter Brooks +and Sis were having tea in the den. I am perfectly sure that Sis threw +a cigarette in the fire when I went in. When I think of my sitting here +alone, when I have done NOTHING, and Sis playing around and smoking +cigarettes, and nothing said, all for a difference of 20 months, it +makes me furious. + +"Let's go in and play with the children, Leila," he said. "I'm feeling +young today." + +Which was perfectly silly. He is not Methuselah. Although thinking +himself so, or almost. + +Well, they went into the drawing room. Elaine Adams was there waiting +for me, and Betty Anderson and Jane Raleigh. And I hadn't been in the +room five minutes before I knew that they all knew. It turned out later +that Hannah was engaged to the Adams' butler, and she had told him, +and he had told Elaine's governess, who is still there and does the +ordering, and Elaine sends her stockings home for her to darn. + +Sis had told Carter, too, I saw that, and among them they had rather +a good time. Carter sat down at the piano and struck a few chords, +chanting "My Love is like a white, white rose." + +"Only you know" he said, turning to me, "that's wrong. It ought to be a +'red, red rose.'" + +"Certainly not. The word is 'white.'" + +"Oh, is it?" he said, with his head on one side. "Strange that both you +and Harold should have got it wrong." + +I confess to a feeling of uneasiness at that moment. + +Tea came, and Carter insisted on pouring. + +"I do so love to pour!" he said. "Really, after a long day's shopping, +tea is the only thing that keeps me going until dinner. Cream or lemon, +Leila dear?" + +"Both," Sis said in an absent manner, with her eyes on me. "Barbara, +come into the den a moment. I want to show you mother's Christmas gift." + +She stocked in ahead of me, and lifted a book from the table. Under it +was the photograph. + +"You wretched child!" she said. "Where did you get that?" + +"That's not your affair, is it?" + +"I'm going to make it my affair. Did he give it to you?" + +"Have you read what's written on it?" + +"Where did you meet him?" + +I hesitated because I am by nature truthful. But at last I said: + +"At school." + +"Oh," she said slowly. "So you met him at school! What was he doing +there? Teaching elocution?" + +"Elocution!" + +"This is Harold, is it?" + +"Certainly." Well, he WAS Harold, if I chose to call him that, wasn't +he? Sis gave a little sigh. + +"You're quite hopeless, Bab. And, although I'm perfectly sure you want +me to take the thing to mother, I'll do nothing of the sort." + +SHE FLUNG IT INTO THE FIRE. I was raging. It had cost me a dollar. It +was quite brown when I got it out, and a corner was burned off. But I +got it. + +"I'll thank you to burn your own things," I said with dignity. And I +went back to the drawing room. + +The girls and Carter Brooks were talking in an undertone when I got +there. I knew it was about me. And Jane came over to me and put her arm +around me. + +"You poor thing!" she said. "Just fight it out. We're all with you." + +"I'm so helpless, Jane." I put all the despair I could into my voice. +For after all, if they were going to talk about my private affairs +behind my back, I felt that they might as well have something to talk +about. As Jane's second cousin once removed is in this school and as +Jane will probably write her all about it, I hope this theme is read +aloud in class, so she will get it all straight. Jane is imaginative and +may have a wrong idea of things. + +"Don't give in. Let them bully you. They can't really do anything. And +they're scared. Leila is positively sick." + +"I've promised to write and break it off," I said in a tense tone. + +"If he really loves you," said Jane, "the letter won't matter." There +was a thrill in her voice. Had I not been uneasy at my deceit, I to +would have thrilled. + +Some fresh muffins came in just then and I was starving. But I waved +them away, and stood staring at the fire. + +I am writing all of this as truthfully as I can. I am not defending +myself. What I did I was driven to, as any one can see. It takes a real +shock to make the average family wake up to the fact that the youngest +daughter is not the family baby at seventeen. All I was doing was +furnishing the shock. If things turned out badly, as they did, it +was because I rather overdid the thing. That is all. My motives were +perfectly irreproachable. + +Well, they fell on the muffins like pigs, and I could hardly stand it. +So I wandered into the den, and it occurred to me to write the letter +then. I felt that they all expected me to do something anyhow. + +If I had never written the wretched letter things would be better now. +As I say, I overdid. But everything had gone so smoothly all day that I +was deceived. But the real reason was a new set of furs. I had secured +the dresses and the promise of the necklace on a poem and a photograph, +and I thought that a good love letter might bring a muff. It all shows +that it does not do to be grasping. + +HAD I NOT WRITTEN THE LETTER, THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NO TRAGEDY. + +But I wrote it and if I do say it, it was a LETTER. I commenced it +"Darling," and I said I was mad to see him, and that I would always love +him. But I told him that the family objected to him, and that this was +to end everything between us. They had started the phonograph in the +library, and were playing "The Rosary." So I ended with a verse from +that. It was really a most affecting letter. I almost wept over it +myself, because, if there had been a Harold, it would have broken his +Heart. + +Of course I meant to give it to Hannah to mail, and she would give it to +mother. Then, after the family had read it and it had got in its work, +including the set of furs, they were welcome to mail it. It would go +to the dead letter office, since there was no Harold. It could not come +back to me, for I had only signed it "Barbara." I had it all figured out +carefully. It looked as if I had everything to gain, including the furs, +and nothing to lose. Alas, how little I knew! + +"The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft allay." Burns. + +Carter Brooks ambled into the room just as I sealed it and stood gazing +down at me. + +"You're quite a Person these days, Bab," he said. "I suppose all the +customary Xmas kisses are being saved this year for what's his name." + +"I don't understand you." + +"For Harold. You know, Bab, I think I could bear up better if his name +wasn't Harold." + +"I don't see how it concerns you," I responded. + +"Don't you? With me crazy about you for lo, these many years! First as +a baby, then as a sub-sub-deb, and now as a sub-deb. Next year, when you +are a real debutante----" + +"You've concealed your infatuation bravely." + +"It's been eating me inside. A green and yellow melancholy--hello! A +letter to him!" + +"Why, so it is," I said in a scornful tone. + +He picked it up, and looked at it. Then he started and stared at me. + +"No!" he said. "It isn't possible! It isn't old Valentine!" + +Positively, my knees got cold. I never had such a shock. + +"It--it certainly is Harold Valentine," I said feebly. + +"Old Hal!" he muttered. "Well, who would have thought it! And not a word +to me about it, the secretive old duffer!" He held out his hand to me. +"Congratulations, Barbara," he said heartily. "Since you absolutely +refuse me, you couldn't do better. He's the finest chap I know. If it's +Valentine the family is kicking up such a row about, you leave it to +me. I'll tell them a few things." + +I was stunned. Would anybody have believed it? To pick a name out of the +air, so to speak, and off a malted milk tablet, and then to find that it +actually belonged to some one--was sickening. + +"It may not be the one you know" I said desperately. "It--it's a common +name. There must be plenty of Valentines." + +"Sure there are, lace paper and cupids--lots of that sort. But there's +only one Harold Valentine, and now you've got him pinned to the wall! +I'll tell you what I'll do, Barbara. I'm a real friend of yours. Always +have been. Always will be. The chances are against the family letting +him get this letter. I'll give it to him." + +"GIVE it to him?" + +"Why, he's here. You know that, don't you? He's in town over the +holidays." + +"Oh, no!" I said in a gasping Voice. + +"Sorry," he said. "Probably meant it as a surprise to you. Yes, he's +here, with bells on." + +He then put the letter in his pocket before my very eyes, and sat down +on the corner of the writing table! + +"You don't know how all this has relieved my mind," he said. "The poor +chap's been looking down. Not interested in anything. Of course this +explains it. He's the sort to take Love hard. At college he took +everything hard--like to have died once with German measles." + +He picked up a book, and the charred picture was underneath. He pounced +on it. "Pounced" is exactly the right word. + +"Hello!" he said, "family again, I suppose. Yes, it's Hal, all right. +Well, who would have thought it!" + +My last hope died. Then and there I had a nervous chill. I was compelled +to prop my chin on my hand to keep my teeth from chattering. + +"Tell you what I'll do," he said, in a perfectly cheerful tone that +made me cold all over. "I'll be the cupid for your Valentine. See? +Far be it from me to see love's young dream wiped out by a hardhearted +family. I'm going to see this thing through. You count on me, Barbara. +I'll arrange that you get a chance to see each other, family or no +family. Old Hal has been looking down his nose long enough. When's your +first party?" + +"Tomorrow night," I gasped out. + +"Very well. Tomorrow night it is. It's the Adams', isn't it, at the +Club?" + +I could only nod. I was beyond speaking. I saw it all clearly. I had +been wicked in deceiving my dear family and now I was to pay the +penalty. He would know at once that I had made him up, or rather he did +not know me and therefore could not possibly be in Love with me. And +what then? + +"But look here," he said, "if I take him there as Valentine, the family +will be on, you know. We'd better call him something else. Got any +choice as to a name?" + +"Carter" I said frantically. "I think I'd better tell you. I----" + +"How about calling him Grosvenor?". he babbled on. "Grosvenor's a good +name. Ted Grosvenor--that ought to hit them between the eyes. It's going +to be rather a lark, Miss Bab!" + +And of course just then mother came in, and the Brooks idiot went in +and poured her a cup of tea, with his little finger stuck out at a right +angel, and every time he had a chance he winked at me. + +I wanted to die. + +When they had all gone home it seemed like a bad dream, the whole thing. +It could not be true. I went upstairs and manicured my nails, which +usually comforts me, and put my hair up like Leila's. + +But nothing could calm me. I had made my own fate, and must lie in it. +And just then Hannah slipped in with a box in her hands and her eyes +frightened. + +"Oh, Miss Barbara!" she said. "If your mother sees this!" + +I dropped my manicure scissors, I was so alarmed. But I opened the box, +and clutched the envelope inside. It said "from H----." Then Carter was +right. There was an H after all! + +Hannah was rolling her hands in her apron and her eyes were popping out +of her head. + +"I just happened to see the boy at the door," she said, with her silly +teeth chattering. "Oh, Miss Barbara, if Patrick had answered the bell! +What shall we do with them?" + +"You take them right down the back stairs," I said. "As if it was an +empty box. And put it outside with the waist papers. Quick." + +She gathered the thing up, but of course mother had to come in just +then and they met in the doorway. She saw it all in one glance, and she +snatched the card out of my hand. + +"From H----!" she read. "Take them out, Hannah, and throw them away. No, +don't do that. Put them on the Servant's table." Then, when the door +had closed, she turned to me. "Just one more ridiculous episode of this +kind, Barbara," she said, "and you go back to school--Christmas or no +Christmas." + +I will say this. If she had shown the faintest softness, I'd have told +her the whole thing. But she did not. She looked exactly as gentle as a +macadam pavement. I am one who has to be handled with gentleness. A +kind word will do anything with me, but harsh treatment only makes me +determined. I then become inflexible as iron. + +That is what happened then. Mother took the wrong course and threatened, +which as I have stated is fatal, as far as I am concerned. I refused +to yield an inch, and it ended in my having my dinner in my room, and +mother threatening to keep me home from the party the next night. It was +not a threat, if she had only known it. + +But when the next day went by, with no more flowers, and nothing +apparently wrong except that mother was very dignified with me, I began +to feel better. Sis was out all day, and in the afternoon Jane called me +up. + +"How are you?" she said. + +"Oh, I'm all right." + +"Everything smooth?" + +"Well, smooth enough." + +"Oh, Bab," she said. "I'm just crazy about it. All the girls are." + +"I knew they were crazy about something." + +"You poor thing, no wonder you are bitter," she said. "Somebody's +coming. I'll have to ring off. But don't you give in, Bab. Not an inch. +Marry your heart's desire, no matter who butts in." + +Well, you can see how it was. Even then I could have told father and +mother, and got out of it somehow. But all the girls knew about it, and +there was nothing to do but go on. + +All that day every time I thought of the Party my heart missed a beat. +But as I would not lie and say that I was ill--I am naturally truthful, +as far as possible--I was compelled to go, although my heart was +breaking. + +I am not going to write much about the party, except a slight +description, which properly belongs in every theme. + +All Parties for the school set are alike. The boys range from +knickerbockers to college men in their freshmen year, and one is likely +to dance half the evening with youngsters that one saw last in their +perambulators. It is rather startling to have about six feet of black +trouser legs and white shirt front come and ask one to dance and then +to get one's eyes raised as far as the top of what looks like a +particularly thin pair of tree trunks and see a little boy's face. + +As this theme is to contain description I shall describe the ball room +of the club where the eventful party occurred. + +The ball room is white, with red hangings, and looks like a Charlotte +Russe with maraschino cherries. Over the fireplace they had put "Merry +Christmas," in electric lights, and the chandeliers were made into +Christmas trees and hung with colored balls. One of the balls fell +off during the cotillion, and went down the back of one of the girl's +dresses, and they were compelled to up-end her and shake her out in the +dressing room. + +The favors were insignificant, as usual. It is not considered good taste +to have elaborate things for the school crowd. But when I think of the +silver things Sis always brought home, and remember that I took away +about six Christmas stockings, a toy balloon, four whistles, a wooden +canary in a cage and a box of talcum powder, I feel that things are not +fair in this World. + +Hannah went with me, and in the motor she said: + +"Oh, Miss Barbara, do be careful. The family is that upset." + +"Don't be a silly," I said. "And if the family is half as upset as I +am, it is throwing a fit at this minute." + +We were early, of course. My mother believes in being on time, and +besides, she and Sis wanted the motor later. And while Hannah was on her +knees taking off my carriage boots, I suddenly decided that I could not +go down. Hannah turned quite pale when I told her. + +"What will your mother say?" she said. "And you with your new dress and +all! It's as much as my life is worth to take you back home now, Miss +Barbara." + +Well, that was true enough. There would be a riot if I went home, and I +knew it. + +"I'll see the steward and get you a cup of tea," Hannah said. "Tea sets +me up like anything when I'm nervous. Now please be a good girl, Miss +Barbara, and don't run off, or do anything foolish." + +She wanted me to promise, but I would not, although I could not have run +anywhere. My legs were entirely numb. + +In a half hour at the utmost I knew all would be known, and very likely +I would be a homeless wanderer on the earth. For I felt that never, never +could I return to my dear ones, when my terrible actions became known. + +Jane came in while I was sipping the tea and she stood off and eyed me +with sympathy. + +"I don't wonder, Bab!" she said. "The idea of your family acting so +outrageously! And look here" She bent over me and whispered it. "Don't +trust Carter too much. He is perfectly infatuated with Leila, and he +will play into the hands of the enemy. BE CAREFUL." + +"Loathsome creature!" was my response. "As for trusting him, I trust no +one, these days." + +"I don't wonder your faith is gone," she observed. But she was talking +with one eye on a mirror. + +"Pink makes me pale," she said. "I'll bet the maid has a drawer full of +rouge. I'm going to see. How about a touch for you? You look ghastly." + +"I don't care how I look," I said, recklessly. "I think I'll sprain my +ankle and go home. Anyhow I am not allowed to use rouge." + +"Not allowed!" she observed. "What has that got to do with it? I don't +understand you, Bab; you are totally changed." + +"I am suffering," I said. I was to. + +Just then the maid brought me a folded note. Hannah was hanging up my +wraps, and did not see it. Jane's eyes fairly bulged. + +"I hope you have saved the cotillion for me," it said. And it was +signed. H----! + +"Good gracious," Jane said breathlessly. "Don't tell me he is here, and +that that's from him!" + +I had to swallow twice before I could speak. Then I said, solemnly: + +"He is here, Jane. He has followed me. I am going to dance the cotillion +with him although I shall probably be disinherited and thrown out into +the world, as a result." + +I have no recollection whatever of going down the staircase and into the +ballroom. Although I am considered rather brave, and once saved one of +the smaller girls from drowning, as I need not remind the school, when +she was skating on thin ice, I was frightened. I remember that, inside +the door, Jane said "Courage!" in a low tense voice, and that I stepped +on somebody's foot and said "Certainly" instead of apologizing. The +shock of that brought me around somewhat, and I managed to find Mrs. +Adams and Elaine, and not disgrace myself. Then somebody at my elbow +said: + +"All right, Barbara. Everything's fixed." + +It was Carter. + +"He's waiting in the corner over there," he said. "We'd better go +through the formality of an introduction. He's positively twittering +with excitement." + +"Carter" I said desperately. "I want to tell you something first. I've +got myself in an awful mess. I----" + +"Sure you have," he said. "That's why I'm here, to help you out. Now +you be calm, and there's no reason why you two can't have the evening of +your young lives. I wish I could fall in love. It must be bully." + +"Carter----!" + +"Got his note, didn't you?" + +"Yes, I----" + +"Here we are," said Carter. "Miss Archibald, I would like to present Mr. +Grosvenor." + +Somebody bowed in front of me, and then straightened up and looked down +at me. IT WAS THE MAN OF THE PICTURE, LITTLE MUSTACHE AND ALL. My mouth +went perfectly dry. + +It is all very well to talk about Romance and Love, and all that sort +of thing. But I have concluded that amorous experiences are not always +agreeable. And I have discovered something else. The moment anybody is +crazy about me I begin to hate him. It is curious, but I am like that. I +only care as long as they, or he, is far away. And the moment I touched +H's white kid glove, I knew I loathed him. + +"Now go to it, you two," Carter said in cautious tone. "Don't be +conspicuous. That's all." + +And he left us. + +"Suppose we dance this. Shall we?" said H. And the next moment we were +gliding off. He danced very well. I will say that. But at the time I was +too much occupied with hating him to care about dancing, or anything. +But I was compelled by my pride to see things through. We are a very +proud family and never show our troubles, though our hearts be torn +with anguish. + +"Think," he said, when we had got away from the band, "think of our +being together like this!" + +"It's not so surprising, is it? We've got to be together if we are +dancing." + +"Not that. Do you know, I never knew so long a day as this has been. The +thought of meeting you--er--again, and all that." + +"You needn't rave for my benefit," I said freezingly. "You know +perfectly well that you never saw me before." + +"Barbara! With your dear little letter in my breast pocket at this +moment!" + +"I didn't know men had breast pockets in their evening clothes." + +"Oh well, have it your own way. I'm too happy to quarrel," he said. "How +well you dance--only, let me lead, won't you? How strange it is to think +that we have never danced together before!" + +"We must have a talk," I said desperately. "Can't we go somewhere, away +from the noise?" + +"That would be conspicuous, wouldn't it, under the circumstances? If we +are to overcome the family objection to me, we'll have to be cautious, +Barbara." + +"Don't call me Barbara," I snapped. "I know perfectly well what you +think of me, and I----" + +"I think you are wonderful," he said. "Words fail me when I try to tell +you what I am thinking. You've saved the cotillion for me, haven't you? +If not, I'm going to claim it anyhow. IT IS MY RIGHT." + +He said it in the most determined manner, as if everything was settled. +I felt like a rat in a trap, and Carter, watching from a corner, looked +exactly like a cat. If he had taken his hand in its white glove and +washed his face with it, I would hardly have been surprised. + +The music stopped, and somebody claimed me for the next. Jane came up, +too, and clutched my arm. + +"You lucky thing!" she said. "He's perfectly handsome. And oh, Bab, he's +wild about you. I can see it in his eyes." + +"Don't pinch, Jane," I said coldly. "And don't rave. He's an idiot." + +She looked at me with her mouth open. + +"Well, if you don't want him, pass him on to me," she said, and walked +away. + +It was too silly, after everything that had happened, to dance the next +dance with Willie Graham, who is still in knickerbockers, and a full +head shorter than I am. But that's the way with a Party for the school +crowd, as I've said before. They ask all ages, from perambulators up, +and of course the little boys all want to dance with the older girls. It +is deadly stupid. + +But H seemed to be having a good time. He danced a lot with Jane, who +is a wretched dancer, with no sense of time whatever. Jane is not pretty, +but she has nice eyes, and I am not afraid, second cousin once removed +or no second cousin once removed, to say she used them. + +Altogether, it was a terrible evening. I danced three dances out of four +with knickerbockers, and one with old Mr. Adams, who is fat and rotates +his partner at the corners by swinging her on his waistcoat. Carter did +not dance at all, and every time I tried to speak to him he was taking a +crowd of the little girls to the fruit-punch bowl. + +I determined to have things out with H during the cotillion, and tell +him that I would never marry him, that I would die first. But I was +favored a great deal, and when we did have a chance the music was making +such a noise that I would have had to shout. Our chairs were next to the +band. + +But at last we had a minute, and I went out to the verandah, which was +closed in with awnings. He had to follow, of course, and I turned and +faced him. + +"Now" I said, "this has got to stop." + +"I don't understand you, Bab." + +"You do, perfectly well," I stormed. "I can't stand it. I am going +crazy." + +"Oh," he said slowly. "I see. I've been dancing too much with the +little girl with the eyes! Honestly, Bab, I was only doing it to disarm +suspicion. MY EVERY THOUGHT IS OF YOU." + +"I mean," I said, as firmly as I could, "that this whole thing has got +to stop. I can't stand it." + +"Am I to understand," he said solemnly, "that you intend to end +everything?" + +I felt perfectly wild and helpless. + +"After that Letter!" he went on. "After that sweet Letter! You said, you +know, that you were mad to see me, and that--it is almost too sacred +to repeat, even to YOU--that you would always love me. After that +Confession I refuse to agree that all is over. It can NEVER be over." + +"I daresay I am losing my mind," I said. "It all sounds perfectly +natural. But it doesn't mean anything. There CAN'T be any Harold +Valentine; because I made him up. But there is, so there must be. And I +am going crazy." + +"Look here," he stormed, suddenly quite raving, and throwing out his +right hand. It would have been terribly dramatic, only he had a glass of +punch in it. "I am not going to be played with. And you are not going to +jilt me without a reason. Do you mean to deny everything? Are you going +to say, for instance, that I never sent you any violets? Or gave you my +Photograph, with an--er--touching inscription on it?" Then, appealingly, +"You can't mean to deny that Photograph, Bab!" + +And then that lanky wretch of an Eddie Perkins brought me a toy balloon, +and I had to dance, with my heart crushed. + +Nevertheless, I ate a fair supper. I felt that I needed Strength. It was +quite a grown-up supper, with bullion and creamed chicken and baked ham +and sandwiches, among other things. But of course they had to show it +was a 'kid' party, after all. For instead of coffee we had milk. + +Milk! When I was going through a tragedy. For if it is not a tragedy +to be engaged to a man one never saw before, what is it? + +All through the refreshments I could feel that his eyes were on me. And +I hated him. It was all well enough for Jane to say he was handsome. She +wasn't going to have to marry him. I detest dimples in chins. I always +have. And anybody could see that it was his first mustache, and +soft, and that he took it round like a mother pushing a new baby in a +perambulator. It was sickening. + +I left just after supper. He did not see me when I went upstairs, but +he had missed me, for when Hannah and I came down, he was at the door, +waiting. Hannah was loaded down with silly favors, and lagged behind, +which gave him a chance to speak to me. I eyed him coldly and tried to +pass him, but I had no chance. + +"I'll see you tomorrow, DEAREST," he whispered. + +"Not if I can help it," I said, looking straight ahead. Hannah had +dropped a stocking--not her own. One of the Christmas favors--and was +fumbling about for it. + +"You are tired and unnerved to-night, Bab. When I have seen your father +tomorrow, and talked to him----" + +"Don't you dare to see my father." + +"----and when he has agreed to what I propose," he went on, without +paying any attention to what I had said, "you will be calmer. We can plan +things." + +Hannah came puffing up then, and he helped us into the motor. He was +very careful to see that we were covered with the robes, and he tucked +Hannah's feet in. She was awfully flattered. Old Fool! And she babbled +about him until I wanted to slap her. + +"He's a nice young man. Miss Bab," she said. "That is, if he's the One. +And he has nice manners. So considerate. Many a party I've taken your +sister to, and never before----" + +"I wish you'd shut up, Hannah," I said. "He's a pig, and I hate him." + +She sulked after that, and helped me out of my things at home without a +word. When I was in bed, however, and she was hanging up my clothes, she +said: + +"I don't know what's got into you, Miss Barbara. You are that cross that +there's no living with you." + +"Oh, go away," I said. + +"And what's more," she added, "I don't know but what your mother ought +to know about these goings on. You're only a little girl, with all your +high and mightiness, and there's going to be no scandal in this family +if I can help it." + +I put the bedclothes over my head, and she went out. + +But of course I could not sleep. Sis was not home yet, or mother, and I +went into Sis's room and got a novel from her table. It was the story of +a woman who had married a man in a hurry, and without really loving him, +and when she had been married a year, and hated the very way her husband +drank his coffee and cut the ends off his cigars, she found some one she +really loved with her whole heart. And it was too late. But she wrote +him one letter, the other man, you know, and it caused a lot of trouble. +So she said--I remember the very words-- + +"Half the troubles in the world are caused by letters. Emotions are +changeable things"--this was after she had found that she really loved +her husband after all, but he had had to shoot himself before she found +it out, although not fatally--"but the written word does not change. It +remains always, embodying a dead truth and giving it apparent life. No +woman should ever put her thoughts on paper." + +She got the letter back, but she had to steal it. And it turned out that +the other man had really only wanted her money all the time. + +That story was a real illumination to me. I shall have a great deal of +money when I am of age, from my grandmother. I saw it all. It was a trap +sure enough. And if I was to get out I would have to have the letter. + +IT WAS THE LETTER THAT PUT ME IN HIS POWER. + +The next day was Christmas. I got a lot of things, including the necklace, +and a mending basket from Sis, with the hope that it would make me +tidy, and father had bought me a set of silver fox, which mother +did not approve of, it being too expensive for a young girl to wear, +according to her. I must say that for an hour or two I was happy enough. + +But the afternoon was terrible. We keep open house on Xmas afternoon, +and father makes a champagne punch, and somebody pours tea, although +nobody drinks it, and there are little cakes from the club, and the +house is decorated with poinsettias. + +At eleven o'clock the mail came in, and mother sorted it over, while +father took a gold piece out to the post-man. + +There were about a million cards, and mother glanced at the addresses +and passed them round. But suddenly she frowned. There was a small +parcel, addressed to me. + +"This looks like a gift, Barbara," she said. And proceeded to open it. + +My heart skipped two beats, and then hammered. Mother's mouth was set as +she tore off the paper and opened the box. There was a card, which she +glanced at, and underneath, was a book of poems. + +"Love Lyrics," said mother, in a terrible voice. "To Barbara, from +H----" + +"Mother----" I began, in an earnest tone. + +"A child of mine receiving such a book from a man!" she went on. +"Barbara, I am speechless." + +But she was not speechless. If she was speechless for the next half +hour, I would hate to hear her really converse. And all that I could do +was to bear it. For I had made a Frankenstein--see the book read last +term by the Literary Society--not out of grave-yard fragments, but from +malted milk tablets, so to speak, and now it was pursuing me to an early +grave. For I felt that I simply could not continue to live. + +"Now--where does he live?" + +"I--don't know, mother." + +"You sent him a letter." + +"I don't know where he lives, anyhow." + +"Leila," mother said, "will you ask Hannah to bring my smelling salts?" + +"Aren't you going to give me the book?" I asked. "It--it sounds +interesting." + +"You are shameless," mother said, and threw the thing into the fire. A +good many of my things seemed to be going into the fire at that time. I +cannot help wondering what they would have done if it had all happened +in the summer, and no fires burning. They would have felt quite +helpless, I imagine. + +Father came back just then, but he did not see the book, which was then +blazing with a very hot red flame. I expected mother to tell him, and I +daresay I should not have been surprised to see my furs follow the book. +I had got into the way of expecting to see things burning that do not +belong in a fireplace. But mother did not tell him. + + +I have thought over this a great deal, and I believe that now I +understand. Mother was unjustly putting the blame for everything on this +School, and mother had chosen the School. My father had not been much +impressed by the catalog. "Too much dancing room and not enough tennis +courts," he had said. This, of course, is my father's opinion. Not mine. + +The real reason, then, for mother's silence was that she disliked +confessing that she made a mistake in her choice of a School. + +I ate very little luncheon and my only comfort was my seed pearls. I was +wearing them, for fear the door-bell would ring, and a letter or flowers +would arrive from H. In that case I felt quite sure that someone, in a +frenzy, would burn the pearls also. + +The afternoon was terrible. It rained solid sheets, and Patrick, the +butler, gave notice three hours after he had received his Christmas +presents, on account of not being let off for early mass. + +But my father's punch is famous, and people came, and stood around and +buzzed, and told me I had grown and was almost a young lady. And Tommy +Gray got out of his cradle and came to call on me, and coughed all the +time, with a whoop. He developed the whooping cough later. He had on his +first long trousers, and a pair of lavender socks and a tie to match. He +said they were not exactly the same shade, but he did not think it would +be noticed. Hateful child! + +At half past five, when the place was jammed, I happened to look up. +Carter Brooks was in the hall, and behind him was H. He had seen me +before I saw him, and he had a sort of sickly grin, meant to denote +joy. I was talking to our bishop at the time, and he was asking me what +sort of services we had in the school chapel. + +I meant to say "non-sectarian," but in my surprise and horror I regret +to say that I said, "vegetarian." Carter Brooks came over to me like a +cat to a saucer of milk, and pulled me off into a corner. + +"It's all right," he said. "I phoned mama, and she said to bring him. +He's known as Grosvenor here, of course. They'll never suspect a thing. +Now, do I get a small 'thank you'?" + +"I won't see him." + +"Now look here, Bab," he protested, "you two have got to make this thing +up You are a pair of idiots, quarreling over nothing. Poor old Hal is +all broken up. He's sensitive. You've got to remember how sensitive he +is." + +"Go, away" I cried, in broken tones. "Go away, and take him with you." + +"Not until he had spoken to your Father," he observed, setting his jaw. +"He's here for that, and you know it. You can't play fast and loose with +a man, you know." + +"Don't you dare to let him speak to father!" + +He shrugged his shoulders. + +"That's between you two, of course," he said. "It's not up to me. Tell +him yourself, if you've changed your mind. I don't intend," he went on, +impressively, "to have any share in ruining his life." + +"Oh piffle," I said. I am aware that this is slang, and does not belong +in a theme. But I was driven to saying it. + +I got through the crowd by using my elbows. I am afraid I gave +the bishop quite a prod, and I caught Mr. Andrews on his rotating +waistcoat. But I was desperate. + +Alas, I was too late. + +The caterer's man, who had taken Patrick's place in a hurry, was at the +punch bowl, and father was gone. I was just in time to see him take H. +into his library and close the door. + +Here words fail me. I knew perfectly well that beyond that door H, whom +I had invented and who therefore simply did not exist, was asking for my +hand. I made up my mind at once to run away and go on the stage, and +I had even got part way up the stairs, when I remembered that, with +a dollar for the picture and five dollars for the violets and three +dollars for the hat pin I had given Sis, and two dollars and a quarter +for mother's handkerchief case, I had exactly a dollar and seventy-five +cents in the world. + +I WAS TRAPPED. + +I went up to my room, and sat and waited. Would father be violent, and +throw H. out and then come upstairs, pale with fury and disinherit me? +Or would the whole family conspire together, when the people had gone, +and send me to a convent? I made up my mind, if it was the convent, to +take the veil and be a nun. I would go to nurse lepers, or something, +and then, when it was too late, they would be sorry. + +The stage or the convent, nun or actress? Which? + +I left the door open, but there was only the sound of revelry below. +I felt then that it was to be the convent. I pinned a towel around my +face, the way the nuns wear whatever they call them, and from the side +it was very becoming. I really did look like Julia Marlowe, especially as +my face was very sad and tragic. + +At something before seven every one had gone, and I heard Sis and mother +come upstairs to dress for dinner. I sat and waited, and when I heard +father I got cold all over. But he went on by, and I heard him go into +mother's room and close the door. Well, I knew I had to go through with +it, although my life was blasted. So I dressed and went downstairs. + +Father was the first down. HE CAME DOWN WHISTLING. + +It is perfectly true. I could not believe my ears. + +He approached me with a smiling face. + +"Well, Bab," he said, exactly as if nothing had happened, "have you had +a nice day?" + +He had the eyes of a basilisk, that creature of fable. + +"I've had a lovely day, Father," I replied. I could be basilisk-ish +also. + +There is a mirror over the drawing room mantle, and he turned me around +until we both faced it. + +"Up to my ears," he said, referring to my height. "And lovers already! +Well, I daresay we must make up our minds to lose you." + +"I won't be lost," I declared, almost violently. "Of course, if you +intend to shove me off your hands, to the first idiot who comes along +and pretends a lot of stuff, I----" + +"My dear child!" said father, looking surprised. "Such an outburst! All +I was trying to say, before your mother comes down, is that I--well, +that I understand and that I shall not make my little girl unhappy +by--er--by breaking her heart." + +"Just what do you mean by that, father?" + +He looked rather uncomfortable, being one who hates to talk sentiment. + +"It's like this, Barbara," he said. "If you want to marry this young +man--and you have made it very clear that you do--I am going to see that +you do it. You are young, of course, but after all your dear mother was +not much older than you are when I married her." + +"Father!" I cried, from an over-flowing heart. + +"I have noticed that you are not happy, Barbara," he said. "And I shall +not thwart you, or allow you to be thwarted. In affairs of the heart, +you are to have your own way." + +"I want to tell you something!" I cried. "I will NOT be cast off! I----" + +"Tut, tut," said Father. "Who is casting you off? I tell you that I +like the young man, and give you my blessing, or what is the present-day +equivalent for it, and you look like a figure of tragedy!" + +But I could endure no more. My own father had turned on me and was +rending me, so to speak. With a breaking heart and streaming eyes I flew +to my chamber. + +There, for hours I paced the floor. + +Never, I determined, would I marry H. Better death, by far. He was a +scheming fortune-hunter, but to tell the family that was to confess all. +And I would never confess. I would run away before I gave Sis such a +chance at me. I would run away, but first I would kill Carter Brooks. + +Yes, I was driven to thoughts of murder. It shows how the first false +step leads down and down, to crime and even to death. Oh never, never, +gentle reader, take that first false step. Who knows to what it may +lead! + +"One false Step is never retrieved." Gray--On a Favorite Cat. + +I reflected also on how the woman in the book had ruined her life with +a letter. "The written word does not change," she had said. "It remains +always, embodying a dead truth and giving it apparent life." + +"Apparent life" was exactly what my letter had given to H. Frankenstein. +That was what I called him, in my agony. I felt that if only I had never +written the Letter there would have been no trouble. And another awful +thought came to me: Was there an H after all? Could there be an H? + +Once the French teacher had taken us to the theater in New York, and a +woman sitting on a chair and covered with a sheet, had brought a man out +of a perfectly empty cabinet, by simply willing to do it. The cabinet +was empty, for four respectable looking men went up and examined it, and +one even measured it with a Tape-measure. + +She had materialized him, out of nothing. + +And while I had had no cabinet, there are many things in this world +"that we do not dream of in our philosophy." Was H. a real person, or +a creature of my disordered brain? In plain and simple language, COULD +THERE BE SUCH A PERSON? + +I feared not. + +And if there was no H, really, and I married him, where would I be? + +There was a ball at the Club that night, and the family all went. No +one came to say good-night to me, and by half past ten I was alone with +my misery. I knew Carter Brooks would be at the ball, and H also, very +likely, dancing around as agreeably as if he really existed, and I had +not made him up. + +I got the book from Sis's room again, and re-read it. The woman in it +had been in great trouble, too, with her husband cleaning his revolver +and making his will. And at last she had gone to the apartments of the +man who had her letters, in a taxicab covered with a heavy veil, and had +got them back. He had shot himself when she returned--the husband--but +she burned the letters and then called a doctor, and he was saved. Not +the doctor, of course. The husband. + +The villain's only hold on her had been the letters, so he went to South +Africa and was gored by an elephant, thus passing out of her life. + +Then and there I knew that I would have to get my letter back from H. +Without it he was powerless. The trouble was that I did not know where +he was staying. Even if he came out of a cabinet, the cabinet would have +to be somewhere, would it not? + +I felt that I would have to meet guile with guile. And to steal one's own +letter is not really stealing. Of course if he was visiting any one and +pretending to be a real person, I had no chance in the world. But if he +was stopping at a hotel I thought I could manage. The man in the book +had had an apartment, with a Japanese servant, who went away and drew +plans of American forts in the kitchen and left the woman alone with the +desk containing the letter. But I daresay that was unusually lucky and +not the sort of thing to look forward to. + +With me, to think is to act. Hannah was out, it being Christmas and her +brother-in-law having a wake, being dead, so I was free to do anything I +wanted to. + +First I called the club and got Carter Brooks on the telephone. + +"Carter," I said, "I--I am writing a letter. Where is--where does H. +stay?" + +"Who?" + +"H.--Mr. Grosvenor." + +"Why, bless your ardent little heart! Writing, are you? It's sublime, +Bab!" + +"Where does he live?" + +"And is it all alone you are, on Christmas Night!" he burbled. (This is a +word from Alice in Wonder Land, and although not in the dictionary, is +quite expressive.) + +"Yes," I replied, bitterly. "I am old enough to be married off without +my consent, but I am not old enough for a real Ball. It makes me sick." + +"I can smuggle him here, if you want to talk to him." + +"Smuggle!" I said, with scorn. "There is no need to smuggle him. The +family is crazy about him. They are flinging me at him." + +"Well, that's nice," he said. "Who'd have thought it! Shall I bring him +to the 'phone?" + +"I don't want to talk to him. I hate him." + +"Look here," he observed, "if you keep that up, he'll begin to believe +you. Don't take these little quarrels too hard, Barbara. He's so happy +to-night in the thought that you----" + +"Does he live in a cabinet, or where?" + +"In a what? I don't get that word." + +"Don't bother. Where shall I send his letter?" + +Well, it seemed he had an apartment at the arcade, and I rang off. It +was after eleven by that time, and by the time I had got into my school +mackintosh and found a heavy veil of mother's and put it on, it was +almost half past. + +The house was quiet, and as Patrick had gone, there was no one around in +the lower hall. I slipped out and closed the door behind me, and +looked for a taxicab, but the veil was so heavy that I hailed our own +limousine, and Smith had drawn up at the curb before I knew him. + +"Where to, lady?" he said. "This is a private car, but I'll take you +anywhere in the city for a dollar." + +A flush of just indignation rose to my cheek, at the knowledge that +Smith was using our car for a taxicab! And just as I was about to speak +to him severely, and threaten to tell father, I remembered, and walked +away. + +"Make it seventy-five cents," he called after me. But I went on. It was +terrible to think that Smith could go on renting our car to all sorts of +people, covered with germs and everything, and that I could never report +it to the family. + +I got a real taxi at last, and got out at the arcade, giving the man a +quarter, although ten cents would have been plenty as a tip. + +I looked at him, and I felt that he could be trusted. + +"This," I said, holding up the money, "is the price of silence." + +But if he was trustworthy he was not subtle, and he said: + +"The what, miss?" + +"If any one asks if you have driven me here, YOU HAVE NOT" I explained, +in an impressive manner. + +He examined the quarter, even striking a match to look at it. Then he +replied: "I have not!" and drove away. + +Concealing my nervousness as best I could, I entered the doomed +building. There was only a hall boy there, asleep in the elevator, and +I looked at the thing with the names on it. "Mr. Grosvenor" was on the +fourth floor. + +I wakened the boy, and he yawned and took me to the fourth floor. My +hands were stiff with nervousness by that time, but the boy was half +asleep, and evidently he took me for some one who belonged there, for +he said "Goodnight" to me, and went on down. There was a square landing +with two doors, and "Grosvenor" was on one. I tried it gently. It was +unlocked. + +"FACILUS DESCENSUS IN AVERNU." + +I am not defending myself. What I did was the result of desperation. +But I cannot even write of my sensations as I stepped through that fatal +portal, without a sinking of the heart. I had, however, had sufficient +foresight to prepare an alibi. In case there was someone present in the +apartment I intended to tell a falsehood, I regret to confess, and to say +that I had got off at the wrong floor. + +There was a sort of hall, with a clock and a table, and a shaded +electric lamp, and beyond that the door was open into a sitting room. + +There was a small light burning there, and the remains of a wood fire in +the fireplace. There was no cabinet however. + +Everything was perfectly quiet, and I went over to the fire and warmed +my hands. My nails were quite blue, but I was strangely calm. I took off +mother's veil, and my mackintosh, so I would be free to work, and I then +looked around the room. There were a number of photographs of rather +smart looking girls, and I curled my lip scornfully. He might have +fooled them but he could not deceive me. And it added to my bitterness +to think that at that moment the villain was dancing--and flirting +probably--while I was driven to actual theft to secure the letter that +placed me in his power. + +When I had stopped shivering I went to his desk. There were a lot of +letters on the top, all addressed to him as Grosvenor. It struck me +suddenly as strange that if he was only visiting, under an assumed name, +in order to see me, that so many people should be writing to him as Mr. +Grosvenor. And it did not look like the room of a man who was visiting, +unless he took a freight car with him on his travels. + +THERE WAS A MYSTERY. All at once I knew it. + +My letter was not on the desk, so I opened the top drawer. It seemed to +be full of bills, and so was the one below it. I had just started on the +third drawer, when a terrible thing happened. + +"Hello!" said some one behind me. + +I turned my head slowly, and my heart stopped. + +THE PORTERES INTO THE PASSAGE HAD OPENED, AND A GENTLEMAN IN HIS EVENING +CLOTHES WAS STANDING THERE. + +"Just sit still, please," he said, in a perfectly cold voice. And he +turned and locked the door into the hall. I was absolutely unable to +speak. I tried once, but my tongue hit the roof of my mouth like the +clapper of a bell. + +"Now," he said, when he had turned around. "I wish you would tell me +some good reason why I should not hand you over to the police." + +"Oh, please don't!" I said. + +"That's eloquent. But not a reason. I'll sit down and give you a little +time. I take it, you did not expect to find me here." + +"I'm in the wrong apartment. That's all," I said. "Maybe you'll think +that's an excuse and not a reason. I can't help it if you do." + +"Well," he said, "that explains some things. It's pretty well known, I +fancy, that I have little worth stealing, except my good name." + +"I was not stealing," I replied in a sulky manner. + +"I beg your pardon," he said. "It IS an ugly word. We will strike it +from the record. Would you mind telling me whose apartment you intended +to--er--investigate? If this is the wrong one, you know." + +"I was looking for a letter." + +"Letters, letters!" he said. "When will you women learn not to write +letters. Although"--he looked at me closely--"you look rather young for +that sort of thing." He sighed. "It's born in you, I daresay," he said. + +Well, for all his patronizing ways, he was not very old himself. + +"Of course," he said, "if you are telling the truth--and it sounds +fishy, I must say--it's hardly a police matter, is it? It's rather one +for diplomacy. But can you prove what you say?" + +"My word should be sufficient," I replied stiffly. "How do I know that +YOU belong here?" + +"Well, you don't, as a matter of fact. Suppose you take my word for +that, and I agree to believe what you say about the wrong apartment, +Even then it's rather unusual. I find a pale and determined looking +young lady going through my desk in a business-like manner. She says she +has come for a letter. Now the question is, is there a letter? If so, +what letter?" + +"It is a love letter," I said. + +"Don't blush over such a confession," he said. "If it is true, be proud +of it. Love is a wonderful thing. Never be ashamed of being in love, my +child." + +"I am not in love," I cried with bitter fury. + +"Ah! Then it is not YOUR letter!" + +"I wrote it." + +"But to simulate a passion that does not exist--that is sacrilege. It +is----" + +"Oh, stop talking," I cried, in a hunted tone. "I can't bear it. If you +are going to arrest me, get it over." + +"I'd rather NOT arrest you, if we can find a way out. You look so young, +so new to crime! Even your excuse for being here is so naive, that +I--won't you tell me why you wrote a love letter, if you are not in +love? And whom you sent it to? That's important, you see, as it bears +on the case. I intend," he said, "to be judicial, unimpassioned, and +quite fair." + +"I wrote a love letter" I explained, feeling rather cheered, "but it was +not intended for any one, Do you see? It was just a love letter." + +"Oh," he said. "Of course. It is often done. And after that?" + +"Well, it had to go somewhere. At least I felt that way about it. So I +made up a name from some malted milk tablets----" + +"Malted milk tablets!" he said, looking bewildered. + +"Just as I was thinking up a name to send it to," I explained, +"Hannah--that's mother's maid, you know--brought in some hot milk and +some malted milk tablets, and I took the name from them." + +"Look here," he said, "I'm unprejudiced and quite calm, but isn't the +'mother's maid' rather piling it on?" + +"Hannah is mother's maid, and she brought in the milk and the tablets, +I should think," I said, growing sarcastic, "that so far it is clear to +the dullest mind." + +"Go on," he said, leaning back and closing his eyes. "You named the +letter for your mother's maid--I mean for the malted milk. Although you +have not yet stated the name you chose; I never heard of any one named +Milk, and as to the other, while I have known some rather thoroughly +malted people--however, let that go." + +"Valentine's tablets," I said. "Of course, you understand," I said, +bending forward, "there was no such person. I made him up. The Harold +was made up too--Harold Valentine." + +"I see. Not clearly, perhaps, but I have a gleam of intelligence." + +"But, after all, there was such a person. That's clear, isn't it? And +now he considers that we are engaged, and--and he insists on marrying +me." + +"That," he said, "is really easy to understand. I don't blame him at all. +He is clearly a person of discernment." + +"Of course," I said bitterly, "you would be on HIS side. Every one is." + +"But the point is this," he went on. "If you made him up out of the +whole cloth, as it were, and there was no such person, how can there +be such a person? I am merely asking to get it all clear in my head. It +sounds so reasonable when you say it, but there seems to be something +left out." + +"I don't know how he can be, but he is," I said, hopelessly. "And he is +exactly like his picture." + +"Well, that's not unusual, you know." + +"It is in this case. Because I bought the picture in a shop, and just +pretended it was him. (He?) And it WAS." + +He got up and paced the floor. + +"It's a very strange case," he said. "Do you mind if I light a +cigarette? It helps to clear my brain. What was the name you gave him?" + +"Harold Valentine. But he is here under another name, because of my +family. They think I am a mere child, you see, and so of course he took +a NOM DE PLUME." + +"A NOM DE PLUME? Oh I see! What is it?" + +"Grosvenor," I said. "The same as yours." + +"There's another Grosvenor in the building, That's where the trouble +came in, I suppose, Now let me get this straight. You wrote a letter, +and somehow or other he got it, and now you want it back. Stripped of +the things that baffle my intelligence, that's it, isn't it?" + +I rose in excitement. + +"Then, if he lives in the building, the letter is probably here. Why +can't you go and get it for me?" + +"Very neat! And let you slip away while I am gone?" + +I saw that he was still uncertain that I was telling him the truth. It +was maddening. And only the Letter itself could convince him. + +"Oh, please try to get it," I cried, almost weeping. "You can lock me in +here, if you are afraid I will run away. And he is out. I know he is. He +is at the club ball." + +"Naturally," he said "the fact that you are asking me to compound a +felony, commit larceny, and be an accessory after the fact does not +trouble you. As I told you before, all I have left is my good name, and +now----!" + +"Please!" I said. + +He stared down at me. + +"Certainly," he said. "Asked in that tone, murder would be one of the +easiest things I do. But I shall lock you in." + +"Very well," I said meekly. And after I had described it--the letter--to +him he went out. + +I had won, but my triumph was but sackcloth and ashes in my mouth. I had +won, but at what a cost! Ah, how I wished that I might live again the +past few days! That I might never have started on my path of deception! +Or that, since my intentions at the start had been so innocent, I had +taken another photograph at the shop, which I had fancied considerably +but had heartlessly rejected because of no mustache. + +He was gone for a long time, and I sat and palpitated. For what if H. +had returned early and found him and called in the police? + +But the latter had not occurred, for at ten minutes after one he came +back, entering by the window from a fire-escape, and much streaked with +dirt. + +"Narrow escape, dear child!" he observed, locking the window and drawing +the shade. "Just as I got it, your--er--gentleman friend returned and +fitted his key in the lock. I am not at all sure," he said, wiping his +hands with his handkerchief, "that he will not regard the open window +as a suspicious circumstance. He may be of a low turn of mind. However, +all's well that ends here in this room. Here it is." + +I took it, and my heart gave a great leap of joy. I was saved. + +"Now," he said, "we'll order a taxicab and get you home. And while it is +coming suppose you tell me the thing over again. It's not as clear to me +as it ought to be, even now." + +So then I told him--about not being out yet, and Sis having flowers sent +her, and her room done over, and never getting to bed until dawn. +And that they treated me like a mere child, which was the reason for +everything, and about the poem, which he considered quite good. And then +about the letter. + +"I get the whole thing a bit clearer now," he said. "Of course, it +is still cloudy in places. The making up somebody to write to is +understandable, under the circumstances. But it is odd to have had the +very person materialize, so to speak. It makes me wonder--well, how +about burning the letter, now we've got it? It would be better, I think. +The way things have been going with you, if we don't destroy it, it is +likely to walk off into somebody else's pocket and cause more trouble." + +So we burned it, and then the telephone rang and said the taxi was +there. + +"I'll get my coat and be ready in a jiffy," he said, "and maybe we can +smuggle you into the house and no one the wiser. We'll try anyhow." + +He went into the other room and I sat by the fire and thought. You +remember that when I was planning Harold Valentine, I had imagined him +with a small, dark mustache, and deep, passionate eyes? Well, this +Mr. Grosvenor had both, or rather, all three. And he had the loveliest +smile, with no dimple. He was, I felt, exactly the sort of man I could +die for. + +It was too tragic that, with all the world to choose from, I had not +taken him instead of H. + +We walked downstairs, so as not to give the elevator boy a chance to +talk, he said. But he was asleep again, and we got to the street and to +the taxicab without being seen. + +Oh, I was very cheerful. When I think of it--but I might have known, all +along. Nothing went right with me that week. + +Just before we got to the house he said: + +"Goodnight and goodbye, little Barbara. I'll never forget you and this +evening. And save me a dance at your coming-out party. I'll be there." + +I held out my hand, and he took it and kissed it. It was all perfectly +thrilling. And then we drew up in front of the house and he helped me +out, and my entire family had just got out of the motor and was lined +up on the pavement staring at us! + +"All right, are you?" he said, as coolly as if they had not been +anywhere in sight. "Well, good night and good luck!" And he got into the +taxicab and drove away, leaving me in the hands of the enemy. + +The next morning I was sent back to school. They never gave me a chance +to explain, for mother went into hysterics, after accusing me of having +men dangling around waiting at every corner. They had to have a doctor, +and things were awful. + +The only person who said anything was Sis. She came to my room that +night when I was in bed, and stood looking down at me. She was very +angry, but there was a sort of awe in her eyes. + +"My hat's off to you, Barbara," she said. "Where in the world do you +pick them all up? Things must have changed at school since I was there." + +"I'm sick to death of the other sex," I replied languidly. "It's no +punishment to send me away. I need a little piece and quiet." And I did. + + +CONCLUSION: + +All this holiday week, while the girls are away, I have been writing +this theme, for literature class. To-day is New Years and I am putting +in the finishing touches. I intend to have it typed in the village and +to send a copy to father, who I think will understand, and another copy, +but with a few lines cut, to Mr. Grosvenor. The nice one. There were +some things he did not quite understand, and this will explain. + +I shall also send a copy to Carter Brooks, who came out handsomely with +an apology this morning in a letter and a ten pound box of candy. + +His letter explains everything. H. is a real person and did not come +out of a cabinet. Carter recognized the photograph as being one of a +Mr. Grosvenor he went to college with, who had gone on the stage and +was playing in a stock company at home. Only they were not playing +Christmas week, as business, he says, is rotten then. When he saw me +writing the letter he felt that it was all a bluff, especially as he had +seen me sending myself the violets at the florists. + +So he got Mr. Grosvenor, the blonde one, to pretend he was Harold +Valentine. Only things slipped up. I quote from Carter's letter: + + +"He's a bully chap, Bab, and he went into it for a lark, roses and poems +and all. But when he saw that you took it rather hard, he felt it wasn't +square. He went to your father to explain and apologized, but your +father seemed to think you needed a lesson. He's a pretty good sport, +your father. And he said to let it go on for a day or two. A little +worry wouldn't hurt you." + + +However, I do not call it being a good sport to see one's daughter +perfectly wretched and do nothing to help. And more than that, to +willfully permit one's child to suffer, and enjoy it. + +But it was father, after all, who got the jolt, I think, when he saw me +get out of the taxicab. + +Therefore I will not explain, for a time. A little worry will not hurt +him either. + +I will not send him his copy for a week. + +Perhaps, after all, I will give him something to worry about eventually. +For I have received a box of roses, with no card, but a pen and ink +drawing of a gentleman in evening clothes crawling onto a fire-escape +through an open window. He has dropped his heart, and it is two floors +below. + +My narrative has now come to a conclusion, and I will close with a few +reflections drawn from my own sad and tragic Experience. I trust the +girls of this school will ponder and reflect. + +Deception is a very sad thing. It starts very easy, and without warning, +and everything seems to be going all right, and no rocks ahead. When +suddenly the breakers loom up, and your frail vessel sinks, with you on +board, and maybe your dear ones, dragged down with you. + + Oh, what a tangled Web we weave, + When first we practice to deceive. + Sir Walter Scott. + + + + +CHAPTER II. THEME: THE CELEBRITY + + +We have been requested to write, during this vacation, a true and +veracious account of a meeting with any celebrity we happened to meet +during the summer. If no celebrity, any interesting character would do, +excepting one's own family. + +But as one's own family is neither celebrated nor interesting, there is +no temptation to write about it. + +As I met Mr. Reginald Beecher this summer, I have chosen him as my +subject. + +Brief history of the Subject: He was born in 1890 at Woodbury, N. J. +Attended public high schools, and in 1910 graduated from Princeton +University. + +Following year produced first Play in New York, called Her Soul. +Followed this by the Soul Mate, and this by The Divorce. + +Description of Subject. Mr. Beecher is tall and slender, and wears a +very small dark Mustache. Although but twenty-six years of age, his hair +on close inspection reveals here and there a silver thread. His teeth +are good, and his eyes amber, with small flecks of brown in them. He has +been vaccinated twice. + +It has always been one of my chief ambitions to meet a celebrity. On one +or two occasions we have had them at school, but they never sit at the +Junior's table. Also, they are seldom connected with either the Drama +or The Movies (a slang term but apparently taking a place in our +literature). + +It was my intention, on being given this subject for my midsummer theme, +to seek out Mrs. Bainbridge, a lady author who has a cottage across the +bay from ours, and to ask the privilege of sitting at her feet for a few +hours, basking in the sunshine of her presence, and learning from her +own lips her favorite Flower, her favorite Poem and the favorite child +of her brain. + + Of all those arts in which the wise excel, + Nature's chief masterpiece is writing well. + Duke of Buckingham + +I had meant to write my theme on her, but I learned in time that she +was forty years of age. Her work is therefore done. She has passed her +active years, and I consider that it is not the past of American Letters +which is at stake, but the future. Besides, I was more interested in the +drama than in literature. + +Possibly it is owing to the fact that the girls think I resemble Julia +Marlowe, that from my earliest years my mind has been turned toward the +stage. I am very determined and fixed in my ways, and with me to decide +to do a thing is to decide to do it. I am not of a romantic nature, +however, and as I learned of the dangers of the theater, I drew back. +Even a strong nature, such as mine is, on occasions, can be influenced. +I therefore decided to change my plans, and to write plays instead of +acting in them. + +At first I meant to write comedies, but as I realized the gravity +of life, and its bitterness and disappointments, I turned naturally to +tragedy. Surely, as dear Shakespeare says: + + The world is a stage + Where every man must play a part, + And mine a sad one. + +This explains my sincere interest in Mr. Beecher. His works were all +realistic and sad. I remember that I saw the first one three years ago, +when a mere child, and became violently ill from crying and had to be +taken home. + +The school will recall that last year I wrote a play, patterned on The +Divorce, and that only a certain narrowness of view on the part of the +faculty prevented it being the class play. If I may be permitted to +express an opinion, we of the class of 1917 are not children, and should +not be treated as such. + +Encouraged by the applause of my class-mates, and feeling that I was of +a more serious turn of mind than most of them, who seem to think of +pleasure only, I decided to write a play during the summer. I would +thus be improving my vacation hours, and, I considered, keeping out of +mischief. It was pure idleness which had caused my trouble during the +last Christmas holidays. How true it is that the devil finds work for +idle hands! + +With a play and this theme I believed that the devil would give me up as +a total loss, and go elsewhere. + +How little we can read the future! + +I now proceed to an account of my meeting and acquaintance with Mr. +Beecher. It is my intention to conceal nothing. I can only comfort +myself with the thought that my motives were innocent, and that I was +obeying orders and securing material for a theme. I consider that the +attitude of my family is wrong and cruel, and that my sister Leila, +being only 20 months older, although out in society, has no need to +write me the sort of letters she has been writing. Twenty months is +twenty months, and not two years, although she seems to think it is. + +I returned home full of happy plans for my vacation. When I look back it +seems strange that the gay and innocent young girl of the train can have +been! So much that is tragic has since happened. If I had not had a +cinder in my eye things would have been different. But why repine? Fate +frequently hangs thus on a single hair--an eye-lash, as one may say. + +Father met me at the train. I had got the aforementioned cinder in my +eye, and a very nice young man had taken it out for me. I still cannot +see what harm there was in our chatting together after that, especially as +we said nothing to object to. But father looked very disagreeable about +it, and the young man went away in a hurry. But it started us off wrong, +although I got him--father--to promise not to tell mother. + +"I do wish you would be more careful, Bab," he said with a sort of sigh. + +"Careful!" I said. "Then it's not doing things, but being found out, +that matters!" + +"Careful in your conduct, Bab." + +"He was a beautiful young man, father," I observed, slipping my arm +through his. + +"Barbara, Barbara! Your poor mother----" + +"Now look here, father" I said. "If it was mother who was interested in +him it might be troublesome. But it is only me. And I warn you, here and +now, that I expect to be thrilled at the sight of a nice young man right +along. It goes up my back and out the roots of my hair." + +Well, my father is a real person, so he told me to talk sense, and gave +me twenty dollars, and agreed to say nothing about the young man to +mother, if I would root for Canada against the Adirondacks for the +summer, because of the fishing. + +Mother was waiting in the hall for me, but she held me off with both +hands. + +"Not until you have bathed and changed your clothing, Barbara," she +said. "I have never had it." + +She meant the whooping cough. The school will recall the epidemic which +ravaged us last June, and changed us from a peaceful institution to what +sounded like a dog show. + +Well, I got the same old room, not much fixed up, but they had put up +different curtains anyhow, thank goodness. I had been hinting all spring +for new furniture, but my family does not take a hint unless it is +chloroformed first, and I found the same old stuff there. + +They believe in waiting until a girl makes her debut before giving her +anything but the necessities of life. + +Sis was off for a week-end, but Hannah was there, and I kissed her. Not +that I'm so fond of her, but I had to kiss somebody. + +"Well, Miss Barbara!" she said. "How you've grown!" + +That made me rather sore, because I am not a child any longer, but they +all talk to me as if I were but six years old, and small for my age. + +"I've stopped growing, Hannah," I said, with dignity. "At least, almost. +But I see I still draw the nursery." + +Hannah was opening my suitcase, and she looked up and said: "I tried to +get you the blue room, Miss Bab. But Miss Leila said she needed it for +house parties." + +"Never mind," I said. "I don't care anything about furniture. I have +other things to think about, Hannah; I want the school room desk up +here." + +"Desk!" she said, with her jaw drooping. + +"I am writing now," I said. "I need a lot of ink, and paper, and a good +lamp. Let them keep the blue room, Hannah, for their selfish purposes. I +shall be happy in my work. I need nothing more." + +"Writing!" said Hannah. "Is it a book you're writing?" + +"A play." + +"Listen to the child! A play!" + +I sat on the edge of the bed. + +"Listen, Hannah," I said. "It is not what is outside of us that matters. +It is what is inside. It is what we are, not what we eat, or look like, +or wear. I have given up everything, Hannah, to my career." + +"You're young yet," said Hannah. "You used to be fond enough of the +boys." + +Hannah has been with us for years, so she gets rather talky at times, +and has to be sat upon. + +"I care nothing whatever for the Other Sex," I replied haughtily. + +She was opening my suitcase at the time, and I was surveying the chamber +which was to be the seen of my Literary Life, at least for some time. + +"Now and then," I said to Hannah, "I shall read you parts of it. Only +you mustn't run and tell mother." + +"Why not?" said she, peering into the Suitcase. + +"Because I intend to deal with Life," I said. "I shall deal with real +Things, and not the way we think them. I am young, but I have thought a +great deal. I shall mince nothing." + +"Look here, Miss Barbara," Hannah said, all at once, "what are you doing +with this whiskey flask? And these socks? And--you come right here, and +tell me where you got the things in this suitcase." I stocked over to +the bed, and my blood froze in my veins. IT WAS NOT MINE. + +Words cannot fully express how I felt. While fully convinced that there +had been a mistake, I knew not when or how. Hannah was staring at me +with cold and accusing eyes. + +"You're a very young lady, Miss Barbara," she said, with her eyes full +of Suspicion, "to be carrying a flask about with you." I was as puzzled +as she was, but I remained calm and to all appearances Spartan. + +"I am young in years," I remarked. "But I have seen Life, Hannah." + +Now I meant nothing by this at the time. But it was getting on my nerves +to be put in the infant class all the time. The Christmas before they had +done it, and I had had my revenge. Although it had hurt me more than it +hurt them, and if I gave them a fright I gave myself a worse one. As I +said at that time: + + Oh, what a tangled web we weave, + When first we practice to deceive. + Sir Walter Scott. + +Hannah gave me a horrified glare, and dipped into the suitcase again. +She brought up a tin box of cigarettes, and I thought she was going to +have delirium tremens at once. + +Well, at first I thought the girls at school had played a trick on me, +and a low down mean trick at that. There are always those who think it +is funny to do that sort of thing, but they are the first to squeal when +anything is done to them. Once I put a small garter snake in a girl's +muff, and it went up her sleeve, which is nothing to some of the things +she had done to me. And you would have thought the school was on fire. + +Anyhow, I said to myself that some Smarty was trying to get me into +trouble, and Hannah would run to the family, and they'd never believe +me. All at once I saw all my cherished plans for the summer gone, and +me in the country somewhere with Mademoiselle, and walking through the +pasture with a botany in one hand and a folding cup in the other, in +case we found a spring a cow had not stepped in. Mademoiselle was +once my Governess, but has retired to private life, except in cases of +emergency. + +I am naturally very quick in mind. The Archibalds are all like that, and +when once we decide on a course we stick to it through thick and +thin. But we do not lie. It is ridiculous for Hannah to say I said the +cigarettes were mine. All I said was: + +"I suppose you are going to tell the family. You'd better run, or +you'll burst." + +"Oh, Miss Barbara, Miss Barbara!" she said. "And you so young to be so +wild!" + +This was unjust, and I am one to resent injustice. I had returned home +with my mind fixed on serious things, and now I was being told I was +wild. + +"If I tell your mother she'll have a fit," Hannah said, evidently drawn +hither and thither by emotion. "Now see here, Miss Bab, you've just +come home, and there was trouble at your last vacation that I'm like to +remember to my dying day. You tell me how those things got there, like +a good girl, and I'll say nothing about them." + +I am naturally sweet in disposition, but to call me a good girl and +remind me of last Christmas holidays was too much. My natural firmness came +to the front. + +"Certainly NOT," I said. + +"You needn't stick your lip out at me, Miss Bab, that was only giving +you a chance, and forgetting my duty to help you, not to mention +probably losing my place when the family finds out." + +"Finds out what?" + +"What you've been up to, the stage, and writing plays, and now liquor +and tobacco!" + +Now I may be at fault in the narrative that follows. But I ask the school +if this was fair treatment. I had returned to my home full of high +ideals, only to see them crushed beneath the heal of domestic tyranny. + + Necessity is the argument of tyrants; + it is the creed of slaves. + William Pitt. + +How true are these immortal words. + +It was with a firm countenance but a sinking heart that I saw Hannah +leave the room. I had come home inspired with lofty ambition, and it +had ended thus. Heart-broken, I wandered to the bedside, and let my eyes +fall on the suitcase, the container of all my woe. + +Well, I was surprised, all right. It was not and never had been mine. +Instead of my blue serge sailor suit and my 'robe de nuit' and kimono +etc., it contained a checked gentleman's suit, a mussed shirt and a cap. +At first I was merely astonished. Then a sense of loss overpowered me. +I suffered. I was prostrated with grief. Not that I cared a rap for +the clothes I'd lost, being most of them to small and patched here and +there. But I had lost the plot of my play. My career was gone. + +I was undone. + +It may be asked what has this recital to do with the account of meeting +a celebrity. I reply that it has a great deal to do with it. A bare +recital of a meeting may be news, but it is not art. + +A theme consists of Introduction, Body and Conclusion. + +This is still the Introduction. + +When I was at last revived enough to think I knew what had happened. The +young man who took the cinder out of my eye had come to sit beside +me, which I consider was merely kindness on his part and nothing like +flirting, and he had brought his suitcase over, and they had got mixed +up. But I knew the family would call it flirting, and not listen to a +word I said. + +A madness seized me. Now that everything is over, I realize that it was +madness. But "there is a divinity that shapes our ends etc." It was to +be. It was Karma, or Kismet, or whatever the word is. It was written in +the Book of Fate that I was to go ahead, and wreck my life, and generally +ruin everything. + +I locked the door behind Hannah, and stood with tragic feet, "where the +brook and river meet." What was I to do? How hide this evidence of +my (presumed) duplicity? I was innocent, but I looked guilty. This, as +everyone knows, is worse than guilt. + +I unpacked the suitcase as fast as I could, therefore, and being just +about distracted, I bundled the things up and put them all together in +the toy closet, where all Sis's dolls and mine are, mine being mostly +pretty badly gone, as I was always hard on dolls. + +How far removed were those innocent years when I played with dolls! + +Well, I knew Hannah pretty well, and therefore was not surprised when, +having hidden the trousers under a doll buggy, I heard mother's voice at +the door. + +"Let me in, Barbara," she said. + +I closed the closet door, and said: "What is it, mother?" + +"Let me in." + +So I let her in, and pretended I expected her to kiss me, which she +had not yet, on account of the whooping cough. But she seemed to have +forgotten that. Also the kiss. + +"Barbara," she said, in the meanest voice, "how long have you been +smoking?" + +Now I must pause to explain this. Had mother approached me in a sweet +and maternal manner, I would have been softened, and would have told the +whole story. But she did not. She was, as you might say, steaming with +rage. And seeing that I was misunderstood, I hardened. I can be as hard +as adamant when necessary. + +"What do you mean, mother?" + +"Don't answer one question with another." + +"How can I answer when I don't understand you?" + +She simply twitched with fury. + +"You--a mere Child!" she raved. "And I can hardly bring myself to +mention it--the idea of your owning a flask, and bringing it into this +house--it is--it is----" + +Well, I was growing cold and more haughty every moment, so I said: "I +don't see why the mere mention of a flask upsets you so. It isn't +because you aren't used to one, especially when traveling. And since I +was a mere baby I have been accustomed to intoxicants." + +"Barbara!" she interjected, in the most dreadful tone. + +"I mean, in the family," I said. "I have seen wine on our table ever +since I can remember. I knew to put salt on a claret stain before I +could talk." + +Well, you know how it is to see an enemy on the run, and although I +regret to refer to my dear mother as an enemy, still at that moment she +was such and no less. And she was beating it. It was the reference to +my youth that had aroused me, and I was like a wounded lion. Besides, I +knew well enough that if they refused to see that I was practically grown +up, if not entirely, I would get a lot of Sis's clothes, fixed up with +new ribbons. Faded old things! I'd had them for years. + +Better to be considered a bad woman than an unformed child. + +"However, mother," I finished, "if it is any comfort to you, I did not +buy that flask. And I am not a confirmed alcoholic. By no means." + +"This settles it," she said, in a melancholy tone. "When I think of the +comfort Leila has been to me, and the anxiety you have caused, I wonder +where you get your--your DEVILTRY from. I am positively faint." + +I was alarmed, for she did look queer, with her face all white around +the rouge. So I reached for the flask. + +"I'll give you a swig of this," I said. "It will pull you around in no +time." + +But she held me off fiercely. + +"Never!" she said. "Never again. I shall empty the wine cellar. There +will be nothing to drink in this house from now on. I do not know what +we are coming to." + +She walked into the bathroom, and I heard her emptying the flask down +the drain pipe. It was a very handsome flask, silver with gold stripes, +and all at once I knew the young man would want it back. So I said: + +"Mother, please leave the flask here anyhow." + +"Certainly not." + +"It's not mine, mother." + +"Whose is it?" + +"It--a friend of mine loaned it to me." + +"Who?" + +"I can't tell you." + +"You can't TELL me! Barbara, I am utterly bewildered. I sent you away a +simple child, and you return to me--what?" + +Well, we had about an hour's fight over it, and we ended in a +compromise. I gave up the flask, and promised not to smoke and so forth, +and I was to have some new dresses and a silk sweater, and to be allowed +to stay up until ten o'clock, and to have a desk in my room for my work. + +"Work!" mother said. "Career! What next? Why can't you be like Leila, +and settle down to having a good time?" + +"Leila and I are different," I said loftily, for I resented her tone. +"Leila is a child of the moment. Life for her is one grand, sweet Song. +For me it is a serious matter. 'Life is real, life is earnest, and the +grave is not its goal,'" I quoted in impassioned tones. + +(Because that is the way I feel. How can the grave be its goal? THERE +MUST BE SOMETHING BEYOND. I have thought it all out, and I believe in a +world beyond, but not in a hell. Hell, I believe, is the state of mind +one gets into in this world as a result of one's wicked acts or one's +wicked thoughts, and is in one's self.) + +As I have said, the other side of the compromise was that I was not to +carry flasks with me, or drink any punch at parties if it had a stick +in it, and you can generally find out by the taste. For if it is what +Carter Brooks calls "loaded" it stings your tongue. Or if it tastes like +cider it's probably champagne. And I was not to smoke any cigarettes. + +Mother was holding out on the sweater at that time, saying that Sis had +a perfectly good one from Miami, and why not wear that? So I put up a +strong protest about the cigarettes, although I have never smoked but +once as I think the school knows, and that only half through, owing to +getting dizzy. I said that Sis smoked now and then, because she thought +it looked smart; but that, if I was to have a career, I felt that the +soothing influence of tobacco would help a lot. + +So I got the new sweater, and everything looked smooth again, and mother +kissed me on the way out, and said she had not meant to be harsh, but +that my great uncle Putnam had been a notorious drunkard, and I looked +like him, although of a more refined type. + +There was a dreadful row that night, however, when father came home. We +were all dressed for dinner, and waiting in the drawing room, and Leila +was complaining about me, as usual. + +"She looks older than I do now, mother," she said. "If she goes to the +seashore with us I'll have her always tagging at my heals. I don't see +why I can't have my first summer in peace." Oh, yes, we were going to +the shore, after all. Sis wanted it, and everybody does what she wants, +regardless of what they prefer, even fishing. + +"First summer!" I exclaimed. "One would think you were a teething baby!" + +"I was speaking to mother, Barbara. Everyone knows that a debutante +only has one year nowadays, and if she doesn't go off in that year she's +swept away by the flood of new girls the next fall. We might as well +be frank. And while Barbara's not a beauty, as soon as the bones in her +neck get a little flesh on them she won't be hopeless, and she has a +flippant manner that men like." + +"I intend to keep Barbara under my eyes this summer," mother said +firmly. "After last Christmas's happenings, and our discovery today, I +shall keep her with me. She need not, however, interfere with you, +Leila. Her hours are mostly different, and I will see that her friends +are the younger boys." + +I said nothing, but I knew perfectly well she had in mind Eddie Perkins +and Willie Graham, and a lot of other little kids that hang around the +fruit punch at parties, and throw the peas from the croquettes at each +other when the footmen are not near, and pretend they are allowed to +smoke, but have sworn off for the summer. + +I was naturally indignant at Sis's words, which were not filial, to my +mind, but I replied as sweetly as possible: + +"I shall not be in your way, Leila. I ask nothing but food and shelter, +and that perhaps not for long." + +"Why? Do you intend to die?" she demanded. + +"I intend to work," I said. "It's more interesting than dieing, and will +be a novelty in this house." + +Father came in just then, and he said: + +"I'll not wait to dress, Clara. Hello, children. I'll just change my +collar while you ring for the cocktails." + +Mother got up and faced him with majesty. + +"We are not going to have, any" she said. + +"Any what?" said father from the doorway. + +"I have had some fruit juice prepared with a dash of bitters. It is +quite nice. And I'll ask you, James, not to explode before the servants. +I will explain later." + +Father has a very nice disposition but I could see that mother's manner +got on his nerves, as it got on mine. Anyhow there was a terrific fuss, +with Sis playing the piano so that the servants would not hear, and in +the end father had a cocktail. Mother waited until he had had it, and +was quieter, and then she told him about me, and my having a flask in +my suitcase. Of course I could have explained, but if they persisted in +misunderstanding me, why not let them do so, and be miserable? + +"It's a very strange thing, Bab," he said, looking at me, "that +everything in this house is quiet until you come home, and then we get +as lively as kittens in a frying pan. We'll have to marry you off pretty +soon, to save our piece of mind." + +"James!" said my mother. "Remember last winter, please." + +There was no claret or anything with dinner, and father ordered mineral +water, and criticized the food, and fussed about Sis's dressmaker's +bill. And the second man gave notice immediately after we left the +dining room. When mother reported that, as we were having coffee in the +drawing room, father said: + +"Humph! Well, what can you expect? Those fellows have been getting the +best half of a bottle of claret every night since they've been here, and +now it's cut off. Damned if I wouldn't like to leave myself." + +From that time on I knew that I was watched. It made little or no +difference to me. I had my work, and it filled my life. There were times +when my soul was so filled with joy that I could hardly bare it. I had +one act done in two days. I wrote out the love scenes in full, because I +wanted to be sure of what they would say to each other. How I thrilled +as each marvelous burst of fantasy flowed from my pen! But the dialogue +of less interesting parts I left for the actors to fill in themselves. +I consider this the best way, as it gives them a chance to be original, +and not to have to say the same thing over and over. + +Jane Raleigh came over to see me the day after I came home, and I read +her some of the love scenes. She positively wept with excitement. + +"Bab," she said, "if any man, no matter who, ever said those things to +me, I'd go straight into his arms. I couldn't help it. Whose going to +act in it?" + +"I think I'll have Robert Edeson, or Richard Mansfield." + +"Mansfield's dead," said Jane. + +"Honestly?" + +"Honest he is. Why don't you get some of these moving picture actors? +They never have a chance in the Movies, only acting and not talking." + +Well, that sounded logical. And then I read her the place where the +cruel first husband comes back and finds her married again and happy, +and takes the children out to drown them, only he can't because they can +swim, and they pull him in instead. The curtain goes down on nothing but +a few bubbles rising to mark his watery grave. + +Jane was crying. + +"It is too touching for words, Bab!" she said. "It has broken my heart. +I can just close my eyes and see the theater dark, and the stage almost +dark, and just those bubbles coming up and breaking. Would you have to +have a tank?" + +"I daresay," I replied dreamily. "Let the other people worry about that. +I can only give them the material, and hope that they have intelligence +enough to grasp it." + +I think Sis must have told Carter Brooks something about the trouble I +was in, for he brought me a box of candy one afternoon, and winked at me +when mother was not looking. + +"Don't open it here," he whispered. + +So I was forced to control my impatience, though passionately fond of +candy. And when I got to my room later, the box was full of cigarettes. +I could have screamed. It just gave me one more thing to hide, as if a +man's suit and shirt and so on was not sufficient. + +But Carter paid more attention to me than he ever had before, and at +a tea dance somebody had at the country club he took me to one side and +gave me a good talking to. + +"You're being rather a bad child, aren't you?" he said. + +"Certainly not." + +"Well, not bad, but--er--naughty. Now see here, Bab, I'm fond of you, +and you're growing into a mighty pretty girl. But your whole social +life is at stake. For heaven's sake, at least until you're married, cut +out the cigarettes and booze." + +That cut me to the heart, but what could I say? + +Well, July came, and we had rented a house at Little Hampton and +everywhere one went one fell over an open trunk or a barrel containing +silver or linen. + +Mother went around with her lips moving as if in prayer, but she was +really repeating lists, such as sowing basket, table candles, headache +tablets, black silk stockings and tennis rackets. + +Sis got some lovely clothes, mostly imported, but they had a woman come +in and sew for me. Hannah and she used to interrupt my most precious +moments at my desk by running a tape measure around me, or pinning a +paper pattern to me. The sewing woman always had her mouth full of pins, +and once, owing to my remarking that I wished I had been illegitimate, +so I could go away and live my own life, she swallowed one. It caused a +grate deal of excitement, with Hannah blaming me and giving her vinegar +to swallow to soften the pin. Well, it turned out all right, for she +kept on living, but she pretended to have sharp pains all over her here +and there, and if the pin had been as lively as a tadpole and wriggled +from spot to spot, it could not have hurt in so many places. + +Of course they blamed me, and I shut myself up more and more in my +sanctuary. There I lived with the creatures of my dreams, and forgot for +a while that I was only a Sub-Deb, and that Leila's last year's tennis +clothes were being fixed over for me. + +But how true what dear Shakespeare says:= + +`````dreams, + +```Which are the children of an idle brain. + +```Begot of nothing but vain fantasy.= + +I loved my dreams, but alas, they were not enough. After a tortured +hour or two at my desk, living in myself the agonies of my characters, +suffering the pangs of the wife with two husbands and both living, +struggling in the water with the children, fruit of the first union, +dying with number two and blowing my last bubbles heavenward--after all +these emotions, I was done out. + +Jane came in one day and found me prostrate on my couch, with a light of +suffering in my eyes. + +"Dearest!" cried Jane, and gliding to my side, fell on her knees. + +"Jane!" + +"What is it? You are ill?" + +I could hardly more than whisper. In a low tone I said: + +"He is dead." + +"Dearest!" + +"Drowned!" + +At first she thought I meant a member of my family. But when she +understood she looked serious. + +"You are too intense, Bab," she said solemnly. "You suffer too much. You +are wearing yourself out." + +"There is no other way," I replied in broken tones. + +Jane went to the Mirror and looked at herself. Then she turned to me. + +"Others don't do it." + +"I must work out my own Salvation, Jane," I observed firmly. But she had +roused me from my apathy, and I went into Sis's room, returning with +a box of candy some one had sent her. "I must feel, Jane, or I cannot +write." + +"Pooh! Loads of writers get fat on it. Why don't you try comedy? It pays +well." + +"Oh--MONEY!" I said, in a disgusted tone. + +"Your FORTE, of course, is love," she said. "Probably that's because +you've had so much experience." Owing to certain reasons it is generally +supposed that I have experienced the gentle passion. But not so, alas! +"Bab," Jane said, suddenly, "I have been your friend for a long time. I +have never betrayed you. You can trust me with your life. Why don't you +tell me?" + +"Tell you what?" + +"Something has happened. I see it in your eyes. No girl who is happy +and has not a tragic story stays at home shut up at a messy desk when +everyone is out at the club playing tennis. Don't talk to me about a +career. A girl's career is a man and nothing else. And especially after +last winter, Bab. Is--is it the same one?" + +Here I made my fatal error. I should have said at once that there was +no one, just as there had been no one last winter. But she looked so +intense, sitting there, and after all, why should I not have an amorous +experience? I am not ugly, and can dance well, although inclined to lead +because of dancing with other girls all winter at school. So I lay back +on my pillow and stared at the ceiling. + +"No. It is not the same man." + +"What is he like? Bab, I'm so excited I can't sit still." + +"It--it hurts to talk about him," I observed faintly. + +Now I intended to let it go at that, and should have, had not Jane kept +on asking questions. Because I had had a good lesson the winter before, +and did not intend to deceive again. And this I will say--I really told +Jane Raleigh nothing. She jumped to her own conclusions. And as for her +people saying she cannot chum with me any more, I will only say this: If +Jane Raleigh smokes she did not learn it from me. + +Well, I had gone as far as I meant to. I was not really in love with +anyone, although I liked Carter Brooks, and would possibly have loved him +with all the depth of my nature if Sis had not kept an eye on me most of +the time. However---- + +Jane seemed to be expecting something, and I tried to think of some +way to satisfy her and not make any trouble. And then I thought of the +suitcase. So I locked the door and made her promise not to tell, and got +the whole thing out of the toy closet. + +"Wha--what is it?" asked Jane. + +I said nothing, but opened it all up. The flask was gone, but the +rest was there, and Carter's box too. Jane leaned down and lifted the +trousers and poked around somewhat. Then she straitened and said: + +"You have run away and got married, Bab." + +"Jane!" + +She looked at me piercingly. + +"Don't lie to me," she said accusingly. "Or else what are you doing with +a man's whole outfit, including his dirty collar? Bab, I just can't bare +it." + +Well, I saw that I had gone to far, and was about to tell Jane the truth +when I heard the sewing woman in the hall. I had all I could do to get +the things put away, and with Jane looking like death I had to stand +there and be fitted for one of Sis's chiffon frocks, with the low neck +filled in with net. + +"You must remember, Miss Bab," said the human pin cushion, "that you are +still a very young girl, and not out yet." + +Jane got up off the bed suddenly. + +"I--I guess I'll go, Bab," she said. "I don't feel very well." + +As she went out she stopped in the doorway and crossed her heart, +meaning that she would die before she would tell anything. But I was +not comfortable. It is not a pleasant thought that your best friend +considers you married and gone beyond recall, when in truth you are not, +or even thinking about it, except in idle moments. + +The seen now changes. Life is nothing but such changes. No sooner do +we alight on one branch, and begin to sip the honey from it, but we +are taken up and carried elsewhere, perhaps to the mountains or to the +sea-shore, and there left to make new friends and find new methods of +enjoyment. + +The flight--or journey--was in itself an anxious time. For on my +otherwise clear conscience rested the weight of that strange suitcase. +Fortunately Hannah was so busy that I was left to pack my belongings +myself, and thus for a time my guilty secret was safe. I put my things in +on top of the masculine articles, not daring to leave any of them in the +closet, owing to house-cleaning, which is always done before our return +in the fall. + +On the train I had a very unpleasant experience, due to Sis opening my +suitcase to look for a magazine, and drawing out a soiled gentleman's +collar. She gave me a very piercing glance, but said nothing and at the +next opportunity I threw it out of a window, concealed in a newspaper. + +We now approach the catastrophe. My book on play writing divides plays +into Introduction, Development, Crisis, Denouement and Catastrophe. And +so one may divide life. In my case the cinder proved the introduction, +as there was none other. I consider that the suitcase was the +development, my showing it to Jane Raleigh was the crisis, and the +denouement or catastrophe occurred later on. + +Let us then proceed to the catastrophe. + +Jane Raleigh came to see me off at the train. Her family was coming the +next day. And instead of flowers, she put a small bundle into my hands. +"Keep it hidden, Bab," she said, "and tear up the card." + +I looked when I got a chance, and she had crocheted me a wash cloth, +with a pink edge. "For your linen chest," the card said, "and I'm doing +a bath towel to match." + +I tore up the card, but I put the wash cloth with the other things I +was trying to hide, because it is bad luck to throw a gift away. But I +hoped, as I seemed to be getting more things to conceal all the time, +that she would make me a small bath towel, and not the sort as big as a +bed spread. + +Father went with us to get us settled, and we had a long talk while +mother and Sis made out lists for dinners and so forth. + +"Look here, Bab," he said, "something's wrong with you. I seem to have +lost my only boy, and have got instead a sort of tear-y young person I +don't recognize." + +"I'm growing up, father" I said. I did not mean to rebuke him, but ye +gods! Was I the only one to see that I was no longer a child? + +"Sometimes I think you are not very happy with us." + +"Happy?" I pondered. "Well, after all, what is happiness?" + +He took a spell of coughing then, and when it was over he put his arms +around me and was quite affectionate. + +"What a queer little rat it is!" he said. + +I only repeat this to show how even my father, with all his affection and +good qualities, did not understand and never would understand. My +heart was full of a longing to be understood. I wanted to tell him my +yearnings for better things, my aspirations to make my life a great and +glorious thing. AND HE DID NOT UNDERSTAND. + +He gave me five dollars instead. Think of the tragedy of it! + +As we went along, and he pulled my ear and finally went asleep with a +hand on my shoulder, the bareness of my life came to me. I shook with +sobs. And outside somewhere Sis and mother made dinner lists. Then and +there I made up my mind to work hard and achieve, to become great and +powerful, to write things that would ring the hearts of men--and women, +to, of course--and to come back to them some day, famous and beautiful, +and when they sued for my love, to be kind and haughty, but cold. I felt +that I would always be cold, although gracious. + +I decided then to be a writer of plays first, and then later on to act +in them. I would thus be able to say what came into my head, as it was +my own play. Also to arrange the scenes so as to wear a variety of gowns, +including evening things. I spent the rest of the afternoon manicuring +my nails in our state room. + +Well, we got there at last. It was a large house, but everything was +to thin about it. The school will understand this, the same being the +condition of the new freshman dormitory. The walls were to thin, and so +were the floors. The doors shivered in the wind, and palpitated if you +slammed them. Also you could hear every sound everywhere. + +I looked around me in despair. Where, oh where, was I to find my +cherished solitude? Where? + +On account of Hannah hating a new place, and considering the house an +insult to the servants, especially only one bathroom for the lot of them, +she let me unpack alone, and so far I was safe. But where was I to work? +Fate settled that for me however. + + There is no armor against fate; + Death lays his icy hand on Kings. + + J. Shirley; Dirge. + +Previously, however, mother and I had had a talk. She sailed into my +room one evening, dressed for dinner, and found me in my ROBE DE NUIT, +curled up in the window seat admiring the view of the ocean. + +"Well!" she said. "Is this the way you intend going to dinner?" + +"I do not care for any dinner," I replied. Then, seeing she did not +understand, I said coldly. "How can I care for food, mother, when the +sea looks like a dying opal?" + +"Dying pussycat!" mother said, in a very nasty way. "I don't know what +has come over you, Barbara. You used to be a normal child, and there was +some accounting for what you were going to do. But now! Take off that +nightgown, and I'll have Tanney hold off dinner for half an hour." + +Tanney was the butler who had taken Patrick's place. + +"If you insist," I said coldly. "But I shall not eat." + +"Why not?" + +"You wouldn't understand, mother." + +"Oh, I wouldn't? Well, suppose I try," she said, and sat down. "I am +not very intelligent, but if you put it clearly I may grasp it. Perhaps +you'd better speak slowly, also." + +So, sitting there in my room, while the sea throbbed in tireless beats +against the shore, while the light faded and the stars issued, one by +one, like a rash on the face of the sky, I told mother of my dreams. I +intended, I said, to write life as it really is, and not as supposed to +be. + +"It may in places be, ugly" I said, "but truth is my banner. The truth +is never ugly, because it is real. It is, for instance, not ugly if a +man is in love with the wife of another, if it is real love, and not the +passing fancy of a moment." + +Mother opened her mouth, but did not say anything. + +"There was a time," I said, "when I longed for things that now have no +value whatever to me. I cared for clothes and even for the attentions of +the other sex. But that has passed away, mother. I have now no thought +but for my career." + +I watched her face, and soon the dreadful understanding came to me. +She, too, did not understand. My literary aspirations were as nothing to +her! + +Oh, the bitterness of that moment. My mother, who had cared for me as a +child, and obeyed my slightest wish, no longer understood me. And saddest +of all, there was no way out. None. Once, in my youth, I had believed +that I was not the child of my parents at all, but an adopted +one--perhaps of rank and kept out of my inheritance by those who had +selfish motives. But now I knew that I had no rank or inheritance, save +what I should carve out for myself. There was no way out. None. + +Mother rose slowly, staring at me with perfectly fixed and glassy eyes. + +"I am absolutely sure," she said, "that you are on the edge of something. +It may be typhoid, or it may be an elopement. But one thing is certain. +You are not normal." + +With this she left me to my thoughts. But she did not neglect me. Sis +came up after dinner, and I saw mother's fine hand in that. Although not +hungry in the usual sense of the word, I had begun to grow rather empty, +and was nibbling out of a box of chocolates when Sis came. + +She got very little out of me. To one with softness and tenderness I +would have told all, but Sis is not that sort. And at last she showed +her claws. + +"Don't fool yourself for a minute," she said. "This literary pose has +not fooled anybody. Either you're doing it to appear interesting, or +you've done something you're scared about. Which is it?" + +I refused to reply. + +"Because if it's the first, and you're trying to look literary, you are +going about it wrong," she said. "Real Literary People don't go round +mooning and talking about the opal sea." + +I saw mother had been talking, and I drew myself up. + +"They look and act like other people," said Leila, going to the bureau +and spilling powder all over the place. "Look at Beecher." + +"Beecher!" I cried, with a thrill that started inside my elbows. (I +have read this to one or two of the girls, and they say there is no such +thrill. But not all people act alike under the influence of emotion, and +mine is in my arms, as stated.) + +"The playwright," Sis said. "He's staying next door. And if he does any +languishing it is not by himself." + +There may be some who have for a long time had an ideal, but without +hoping ever to meet him, and then suddenly learning that he is nearby, +with indeed but a wall or two between, can be calm and cool. But I am +not like that. Although long suppression has taught me to dissemble at +times, where my heart is concerned I am powerless. + +For it was at last my heart that was touched. I, who had scorned the +other sex and felt that I was born cold and always would be cold, that +day I discovered the truth. Reginald Beecher was my ideal. I had never +spoken to him, nor indeed seen him, except for his pictures. But the +very mention of his name brought a lump to my throat. + +Feeling better immediately, I got Sis out of the room and coaxed Hannah +to bring me some dinner. While she was sneaking it out of the pantry I +was dressing, and soon, as a new being, I was out on the stone bench at +the foot of the lawn, gazing with rapt eyes at the sea. + +But fate was against me. Eddie Perkins saw me there and came over. He +had but recently been put in long trousers, and those not his best +ones but only white flannels. He was never sure of his garters, and was +always looking to see if his socks were coming down. Well, he came over +just as I was sure I saw Reginald Beecher next door on the veranda, and +made himself a nuisance right away, trying all sorts of kid tricks, such +as snapping a rubber band at me, and pulling out hairpins. + +But I felt that I must talk to someone. So I said: + +"Eddie, if you had your choice of love or a career, which would it be?" + +"Why not both," he said, hitching the rubber band onto one of his front +teeth and playing on it. "Neither ought to take up all a fellow's time. +Say, listen to this! Talk about a ukelele!" + +"A woman can never have both." + +He played a while, strumming with one finger until the hand slipped off +and stung him on the lip. + +"Once," I said, "I dreamed of a career. But I believe love's the most +important." + +Well, I shall pass lightly over what followed. Why is it that a girl +cannot speak of love without every member of the other sex present, no +matter how young, thinking it is he? And as for mother maintaining that +I kissed that wretched child, and they saw me from the drawing-room, it +is not true and never was true. It was but one more misunderstanding +which convinced the family that I was carrying on all manner of affairs. + +Carter Brooks had arrived that day, and was staying at the Perkins' +cottage. I got rid of the Perkins' baby, as his nose was bleeding--but I +had not slapped him hard at all, and felt little or no compunction--when +I heard Carter coming down the walk. He had called to see Leila, but +she had gone to a beach dance and left him alone. He never paid any +attention to me when she was around, and I received him coolly. + +"Hello!" he said. + +"Well?" I replied. + +"Is that the way you greet me, Bab?" + +"It's the way I would greet most any left-over," I said. "I eat hash at +school, but I don't have to pretend to like it." + +"I came to see YOU." + +"How youthful of you!" I replied, in stinging tones. + +He sat down on a bench and stared at me. + +"What's got into you lately?" he said. "Just as you're getting to be +the prettiest girl around, and I'm strong for you, you--you turn into a +regular rattlesnake." + +The kindness of his tone upset me considerably, to who so few kind words +had come recently. I am compelled to confess that I wept, although I had +not expected to, and indeed shed few tears, although bitter ones. + +How could I possibly know that the chaste salute of Eddie Perkins and my +head on Carter Brooks' shoulder were both plainly visible against the +rising moon? But this was the case, especially from the house next door. + +But I digress. + +Suddenly Carter held me off and shook me somewhat. + +"Sit up here and tell me about it," he said. "I'm getting more scared +every minute. You are such an impulsive little beast, and you turn the +fellows' heads so--look here, is Jane Raleigh lying, or did you run away +and get married to someone?" + +I am aware that I should have said, then and there, No. But it seemed a +shame to spoil things just as they were getting interesting. So I said, +through my tears: + +"Nobody understands me. Nobody. And I'm so lonely." + +"And of course you haven't run away with anyone, have you?" + +"Not--exactly." + +"Bless you, Bab!" he said. And I might as well say that he kissed me, +because he did, although unexpectedly. Somebody just then moved a chair +on the porch next door and coughed rather loudly, so Carter drew a long +breath and got up. + +"There's something about you lately, Bab, that I don't understand," he +said. "You--you're mysterious. That's the word. In a couple of years +you'll be the real thing." + +"Come and see me then," I said in a demure manner. And he went away. + +So I sat on my bench and looked at the sea and dreamed. It seemed to +me that centuries must have passed since I was a lighthearted girl, +running up and down that beach, paddling, and so forth, with no thought +of the future farther away than my next meal. + +Once I lived to eat. Now I merely ate to live, and hardly that. The +fires of genius must be fed, but no more. + +Sitting there, I suddenly made a discovery. The boat house was near me, +and I realized that upstairs, above the bath-houses, et cetera, there +must be a room or two. The very thought intrigued me (a new word for +interest, but coming into use, and sounding well). + +Solitude--how I craved it for my work. And here it was, or would be when +I had got the place fixed up. True, the next door boat-house was close, +but a boat-house is a quiet place, generally, and I knew that nowhere, +aside from the desert, is there perfect silence. + +I investigated at once, but found the place locked and the boatman gone. +However, there was a lattice, and I climbed up that and got in. I had a +fright there, as it seemed to be full of people, but I soon saw it was +only the family bathing suits hung up to dry. Aside from the odor of +drying things it was a fine study, and I decided to take a small table +there, and the various tools of my profession. + +Climbing down, however, I had a surprise. For a man was just below, and +I nearly put my foot on his shoulder in the darkness. + +"Hello!" he said. "So it's YOU." + +I was quite speechless. It was Mr. Beecher himself, in his dinner +clothes and bareheaded. + +Oh fluttering heart, be still. Oh pen, move steadily. OH TEMPORA O MORES! + +"Let me down," I said. I was still hanging to the lattice. + +"In a moment," he said. "I have an idea that the instant I do you'll +vanish. And I have something to tell you." + +I could hardly believe my ears. + +"You see," he went on, "I think you must move that bench." + +"Bench?" + +"You seem to be so very popular," he said. "And of course I'm only a +transient and don't matter. But some evening one of the admirers may be +on the Patten's porch, while another is with you on the bench. And--the +Moon rises beyond it." + +I was silent with horror. So that was what he thought of me. Like all the +others, he, too, did not understand. He considered me a flirt, when my +only thoughts were serious ones, of immortality and so on. + +"You'd better come down now," he said. "I was afraid to warn you until I +saw you climbing the lattice. Then I knew you were still young enough to +take a friendly word of advice." + +I got down then and stood before him. He was magnificent. Is there +anything more beautiful than a tall man with a gleaming expanse of dress +shirt? I think not. + +But he was staring at me. + +"Look here," he said. "I'm afraid I've made a mistake after all. I +thought you were a little girl." + +"That needn't worry you. Everybody does," I replied. "I'm seventeen, but +I shall be a mere child until I come out." + +"Oh!" he said. + +"One day I am a child in the nursery," I said. "And the next I'm grown +up and ready to be sold to the highest bidder." + +"I beg your pardon, I----" + +"But I am as grown up now as I will ever be," I said. "And indeed more +so. I think a great deal now, because I have plenty of time. But my +sister never thinks at all. She is too busy." + +"Suppose we sit on the bench. The moon is too high to be a menace, and +besides, I am not dangerous. Now, what do you think about?" + +"About life, mostly. But of course there is death, which is beautiful +but cold. And--one always thinks of love, doesn't one?" + +"Does one?" he asked. I could see he was much interested. As for me, I +dared not consider whom it was who sat beside me, almost touching. That +way lay madness. + +"Don't you ever," he said, "reflect on just ordinary things, like +clothes and so forth?" + +I shrugged my shoulders. + +"I don't get enough new clothes to worry about. Mostly I think of my +work." + +"Work?" + +"I am a writer" I said in a low, earnest tone. + +"No! How--how amazing. What do you write?" + +"I'm on a play now." + +"A comedy?" + +"No. A tragedy. How can I write a comedy when a play must always end +in a catastrophe? The book says all plays end in crisis, denouement and +catastrophe." + +"I can't believe it," he said. "But, to tell you a secret, I never read +any books about plays." + +"We are not all gifted from berth, as you are," I observed, not to +merely please him, but because I considered it the simple truth. + +He pulled out his watch and looked at it in the moonlight. + +"All this reminds me," he said, "that I have promised to go to work +tonight. But this is so--er--thrilling that I guess the work can wait. +Well--now go on." + +Oh, the joy of that night! How can I describe it? To be at last in +the company of one who understood, who--as he himself had said in "Her +Soul"--spoke my own language! Except for the occasional mosquito, +there was no sound save the tumescent sea and his voice. + +Often since that time I have sat and listened to conversation. How flat +it sounds to listen to father conversing about Gold, or Sis about Clothes, +or even to the young men who come to call, and always talk about +themselves. + +We were at last interrupted in a strange manner. Mr. Patten came down +their walk and crossed to us, walking very fast. He stopped right in +front of us and said: + +"Look here, Reg, this is about all I can stand." + +"Oh, go away, and sing, or do something," said Mr. Beecher sharply. + +"You gave me your word of honor" said the Patten man. "I can only remind +you of that. Also of the expense I'm incurring, and all the rest of it. +I've shown all sorts of patience, but this is the limit." + +He turned on his heel, but came back for a last word or two. + +"Now see here," he said, "we have everything fixed the way you said you +wanted it. And I'll give you ten minutes. That's all." + +He stalked away, and Mr. Beecher looked at me. + +"Ten minutes of heaven," he said, "and then perdition with that bunch. +Look here," he said, "I--I'm awfully interested in what you are telling +me. Let's cut off up the beach and talk." + +Oh night of nights! Oh moon of moons! + +Our talk was strictly business. He asked me my plot, and although I had +been warned not to do so, even to David Belasco, I gave it to him fully. +And even now, when all is over, I am not sorry. Let him use it if he +will. I can think of plenty of plots. + +The real tragedy is that we met father. He had been ordered to give up +smoking, and I considered he had done so, mother feeling that I should be +encouraged in leaving off cigarettes. So when I saw the cigar I was sure +it was not father. It proved to be, however, and although he passed with +nothing worse than a glare, I knew I was in more trouble. + +At last we reached the bench again, and I said good night. Our relations +continued business-like to the last. He said: + +"Good night, little authoress, and let's have some more talks." + +"I'm afraid I've bored you," I said. + +"Bored me!" he said. "I haven't spent such an evening for years!" + +The family acted perfectly absurd about it. Seeing that they were going +to make a fuss, I refused to say with whom I had been walking. You'd +have thought I had committed a crime. + +"It has come to this, Barbara," mother said, pacing the floor. "You +cannot be trusted out of our sight. Where do you meet all these men? If +this is how things are now, what will it be when given your liberty?" + +Well, it is to painful to record. I was told not to leave the place for +three days, although allowed the boat-house. And of course Sis had to +chime in that she'd heard a rumor I had run away and got married, and +although of course she knew it wasn't true, owing to no time to do so, +still where there was smoke there was fire. + +But I felt that their confidence in me was going, and that night, after +all were in the land of dreams, I took that wretched suit of clothes and +so on to the boathouse, and hid them in the rafters upstairs. + +I come now to the strange event of the next day, and its sequel. + +The Patten place and ours are close together, and no other house near. +Mother had been very cool about the Pattens, owing to nobody knowing +them that we knew. Although I must say they had the most interesting +people all the time, and Sis was crazy to call and meet some of them. + +Jane came that day to visit her aunt, and she ran down to see me first +thing. + +"Come and have a ride," she said. "I've got the runabout, and after that +we'll bathe and have a real time." + +But I shook my head. + +"I'm a prisoner, Jane," I said. + +"Honestly! Is it the play, or something else?" + +"Something else, Jane," I said. "I can tell you nothing more. I am simply +in trouble, as usual." + +"But why make you a prisoner, unless----" She stopped suddenly and +stared at me. + +"He has claimed you!" she said. "He is here, somewhere about this place, +and now, having had time to think it over, you do not want to go to him. +Don't deny it. I see it in your face. Oh, Bab, my heart aches for you." + +It sounded so like a play that I kept it up. Alas, with what results! + +"What else can I do, Jane?" I said. + +"You can refuse, if you do not love him. Oh Bab, I did not say it +before, thinking you loved him. But no man who wears clothes like those +could ever win my heart. At least, not permanently." + +Well, she did most of the talking. She had finished the bath towel, +which was a large size, after all, and monogrammed, and she made me +promise never to let my husband use it. When she went away she left it +with me, and I carried it out and put it on the rafters, with the other +things--I seemed to be getting more to hide every day. + +Things went all wrong the next day. Sis was in a bad temper, and as much +as said I was flirting with Carter Brooks, although she never intends to +marry him herself, owing to his not having money and never having asked +her. + +I spent the morning in fixing up a studio in the boat-house, and felt +better by noon. I took two boards on trestles and made a desk, and +brought a dictionary and some pens and ink out. I use a dictionary +because now and then I am uncertain how to spell a word. + +Events now moved swiftly and terribly. I did not do much work, being +exhausted by my efforts to fix up the studio, and besides, feeling that +nothing much was worth while when one's family did not and never would +understand. At eleven o'clock Sis and Carter and Jane and some others +went in bathing from our dock. Jane called up to me, but I pretended not +to hear. They had a good time judging by the noise, although I should +think Jane would cover her arms and neck in the water, being very thin. +Legs one can do nothing with, although I should think stripes going +around would help. But arms can have sleeves. + +However--the people next door went in too, and I thrilled to the core +when Mr. Beecher left the bath-house and went down to the beech. What +a physique! What shoulders, all brown and muscular! And to think that, +strong as they were, they wrote the tender love scenes of his plays. +Strong and tender--what descriptive words they are! It was then that I +saw he had been vaccinated twice. + +To resume. All the Pattens went in, and a new girl with them, in a +one piece suit. I do not deny that she was pretty. I only say that she +was not modest, and that the way she stood on the Patten's dock +and posed for Mr. Beecher's benefit was unnecessary and well, not +respectable. + +She was nothing to me, nor I to her. But I watched her closely. I +confess that I was interested in Mr. Beecher. Why not? He was a public +character, and entitled to respect. Nay, even to love. But I maintain +and will to my dying day, that such love is different from that +ordinarily born to the other sex, and a thing to be proud of. + +Well, I was seeing a drama and did not even know it. After the rest +had gone, Mr. Patten came to the door into Mr. Beecher's room in the +bath-house--they are all in a row, with doors opening on the sand--and +he had a box in his hand. He looked around, and no one was looking +except me, and he did not see me. He looked very fierce and glum, and +shortly after he carried in a chair and a folding card table. I thought +this was very strange, but imagine how I felt when he came out carrying +Mr. Beecher's clothes! He brought them all, going on his tiptoes and +watching every minute. I felt like screaming. + +However, I considered that it was a practical joke, and I am no spoil +sport. So I sat still and waited. They stayed in the water a long time, +and the girl with the figure was always crawling out on the dock and +then diving in to show off. Leila and the rest got sick of her actions +and came in to lunch. They called up to me, but I said I was not hungry. + +"I don't know what's come over Bab," I heard Sis say to Carter Brooks. +"She's crazy, I think." + +"She's seventeen," he said. "That's all. They get over it mostly, but +she has it hard." + +I loathed him. + +Pretty soon the other crowd came up, and I could see every one knew the +joke but Mr. Beecher. They all scuttled into their doorways, and Mr. +Patten waited till Mr. Beecher was inside and had thrown out the shirt +of his bathing suit. Then he locked the door from the outside. + +There was a silence for a minute. Then Mr. Beecher said in a terrible +voice. + +"So that's the game, is it?" + +"Now listen, Reg," Mr. Patten said, in a soothing voice. "I've tried +everything but force, and now I'm driven to that. I've got to have that +third act. The company's got the first two acts well under way, and I'm +getting wires about every hour. I've got to have that script." + +"You go to Hell!" said Mr. Beecher. You could hear him plainly through +the window, high up in the wall. And although I do not approve of an +oath, there are times when it eases the tortured soul. + +"Now be reasonable, Reg," Mr. Patten pleaded. "I've put a fortune in +this thing, and you're lying down on the job. You could do it in four +hours if you'd put your mind to it." + +There was no answer to this. And he went on: + +"I'll send out food or anything. But nothing to drink. There's champagne +on the ice for you when you've finished, however. And you'll find pens +and ink and paper on the table." + +The answer to this was Mr. Beecher's full weight against the door. But it +held, even against the full force of his fine physic. + +"Even if you do break it open," Mr. Patten said, "you can't go very far +the way you are. Now be a good fellow, and let's get this thing done. +It's for your good as well as mine. You'll make a fortune out of it." + +Then he went into his own door, and soon came out, looking like a +gentleman, unless one knew, as I did, that he was a whited sepulcher. + +How long I sat there, paralyzed with emotion, I do not know. Hannah +came out and roused me from my trance of grief. She is a kindly soul, +although too afraid of mother to be helpful. + +"Come in like a good girl, Miss Bab," she said. "There's that fruit +salad that cook prides herself on, and I'll ask her to brown a bit of +sweetbread for you." + +"Hannah," I said in a low voice, "there is a crime being committed in +this neighborhood, and you talk to me of food." + +"Good gracious, Miss Bab!" + +"I cannot tell you any more than that, Hannah," I said gently, "because +it is only being done now, and I cannot make up my mind about it. But of +course I do not want any food." + +As I say, I was perfectly gentle with her, and I do not understand why +she burst into tears and went away. + +I sat and thought it all over. I could not leave, under the +circumstances. But yet, what was I to do? It was hardly a police matter, +being between friends, as one may say, and yet I simply could not bare +to leave my ideal there in that damp bath-house without either food or, +as one may say, raiment. + +About the middle of the afternoon it occurred to me to try to find a key +for the lock of the bath-house. I therefore left my studio and proceeded +to the house. I passed close by the fatal building, but there was no +sound from it. + +I found a number of trunk-keys in a drawer in the library, and was about +to escape with them, when father came in. He gave me a long look, and +said: + +"Bee still buzzing?" + +I had hoped for some understanding from him, but my spirits fell at this +speech. + +"I am still working, father," I said, in a firm if nervous tone. "I am +not doing as good work as I would if things were different, but--I am at +least content, if not happy." + +He stared at me, and then came over to me. + +"Put out your tongue," he said. + +Even against this crowning infamy I was silent. + +"That's all right," he said. "Now see here, Chicken, get into your +riding togs and we'll order the horses. I don't intend to let this +play-acting upset your health." + +But I refused. "Unless, of course, you insist," I finished. He only +shook his head, however, and left the room. I felt that I had lost my +last friend. + +I did not try the keys myself, but instead stood off a short distance +and threw them through the window. I learned later that they struck +Mr. Beecher on the head. Not knowing, of course, that I had flung them, +and that my reason was pure friendliness and idealism, he threw them +out again with a violent exclamation. They fell at my feet, and lay +there, useless, rejected, tragic. + +At last I summoned courage to speak. + +"Can't I do something to help?" I said, in a quaking voice, to the +window. + +There was no answer, but I could hear a pen scratching on paper. + +"I do so want to help you," I said, in a louder tone. + +"Go, away" said his voice, rather abstracted than angry. + +"May I try the keys?" I asked. Be still, my heart! For the scratching had +ceased. + +"Who's that?" asked the beloved voice. I say 'beloved' because an ideal +is always beloved. The voice was beloved, but sharp. + +"It's me." + +I heard him mutter something, and I think he came to the door. + +"Look here," he said. "Go away. Do you understand? I want to work. And +don't come near here again until seven o'clock." + +"Very well," I said faintly. + +"And then come without fail," he said. + +"Yes, Mr. Beecher," I replied. How commanding he was! Strong but tender! + +"And if anyone comes around making a noise, before that, you shoot them +for me, will you?" + +"SHOOT them?" + +"Drive them off, or use a bean-shooter. Anything. But don't yell at +them. It distracts me." + +It was a sacred trust. I, and only I, stood between him and his MAGNUM +OPUS. I sat down on the steps of our bath-house, and took up my vigil. + +It was about five o'clock when I heard Jane approaching. I knew it was +Jane, because she always wears tight shoes, and limps when unobserved. +Although having the reputation of the smallest foot of any girl in our +set in the city, I prefer comfort and ease, unhampered by heals--French +or otherwise. No man will ever marry a girl because she wears a small +shoe, and catches her heals in holes in the boardwalk, and has to soak +her feet at night before she can sleep. However---- + +Jane came on, and found me crouched on the doorstep, in a lowly +attitude, and holding my finger to my lips. + +She stopped and stared at me. + +"Hello," she said. "What do you think you are? A statue?" + +"Hush, Jane," I said, in a low tone. "I can only ask you to be quiet and +speak in whispers. I cannot give the reason." + +"Good heavens!" she whispered. "What has happened, Bab?" + +"It is happening now, but I cannot explain." + +"WHAT is happening?" + +"Jane," I whispered, earnestly, "you have known me a long time and I have +always been trustworthy, have I not?" + +She nodded. She is never exactly pretty, and now she had opened her +mouth and forgot to close it. + +"Then ask no questions. Trust me, as I am trusting you." It seemed to +me that Mr. Beecher threw his pen at the door, and began to pace the +bath-house. Owing of course to his being in his bare feet, I was not +certain. Jane heard something, too, for she clutched my arm. + +"Bab," she said, in intense tones, "if you don't explain I shall lose my +mind. I feel now that I am going to shriek." + +She looked at me searchingly. + +"Somebody is a prisoner. That's all." + +It was the truth, was it not? And was there any reasons for Jane Raleigh +to jump to conclusions as she did, and even to repeat later in public +that I had told her that my lover had come for me, and that father had +locked him up to prevent my running away with him, immuring him in the +Patten's bath-house? Certainly not. + +Just then I saw the boatman coming who looks after our motor boat, and I +tiptoed to him and asked him to go away, and not to come back unless he +had quieter boats and would not whistle. He acted very ugly about it, I +must say, but he went. + +When I came back, Jane was sitting thinking, with her forehead all +puckered. + +"What I don't understand, Bab," she said, "is, why no noise?" + +"Because he is writing," I explained. "Although his clothing has been +taken away, he is writing. I don't think I told you, Jane, but that is +his business. He is a writer. And if I tell you his name you will faint +with surprise." + +She looked at me searchingly. + +"Locked up--and writing, and his clothing gone! What's he writing, Bab? +His will?" + +"He is doing his duty to the end, Jane," I said softly. "He is writing +the last act of a play. The company is rehearsing the first two acts, +and he has to get this one ready, though the heavens fall." + +But to my surprise, she got up and said to me, in a firm voice: + +"Either you are crazy, Barbara Archibald, or you think I am. You've +been stuffing me for about a week, and I don't believe a word of it. And +you'll apologize to me or I'll never speak to you again." + +She said this loudly, and then went away, And Mr. Beecher said, through +the door. + +"What the devil's the row about?" + +Perhaps my nerves were going, or possibly it was no luncheon and +probably no dinner. But I said, just as if he had been an ordinary +person: + +"Go on and write and get through. I can't stew on these steps all day." + +"I thought you were an amiable child." + +"I'm not amiable and I'm not a child." + +"Don't spoil your pretty face with frowns." + +"It's MY face. And you can't see it anyhow," I replied, venting in +feminine fashion, my anger at Jane on the nearest object. + +"Look here," he said, through the door, "you've been my good angel. I'm +doing more work than I've done in two months, although it was a dirty, +low-down way to make me do it. You're not going back on me now, are +you?" + +Well, I was mollified, as who would not be? So I said: + +"Well?" + +"What did Patten do with my clothes?" + +"He took them with him." He was silent, except for a muttered word. + +"You might throw those keys back again," he said. "Let me know first, +however. You're the most accurate thrower I've ever seen." + +So I threw them through the window and I believe hit the ink bottle. +But no matter. And he tried them, but none availed. + +So he gave up, and went back to work, having saved enough ink to finish +with. But a few minutes later he called to me again, and I moved to the +doorstep, where I sat listening, while apparently admiring the sea. He +explained that having been thus forced, he had almost finished the last +act, and it was a corker. And he said if he had his clothes and some +money, and a key to get out, he'd go right back to town with it and +put it in rehearsal. And at the same time he would give the Pattens +something to worry about over night. Because, play or no play, it was a +rotten thing to lock a man in a bath-house and take his clothes away. + +"But of course I can't get my clothes," he said. "They'll take cussed +good care of that. And there's the key too. We're up against it, little +sister." + +Although excited by his calling me thus, I retained my faculties, and +said: + +"I have a suit of clothes you can have." + +"Thanks awfully," he said. "But from the slight acquaintance we have +had, I don't believe they would fit me." + +"Gentleman's clothes," I said frigidly. + +"You have?" + +"In my studio," I said. "I can bring them, if you like. They look quite +good, although creased." + +"You know" he said, after a moment's silence, "I can't quite believe +this is really happening to me! Go and bring the suit of clothes, +and--you don't happen to have a cigar, I suppose?" + +"I have a large box of cigarettes." + +"It is true," I heard him say through the door. "It is all true. I am +here, locked in. The play is almost done. And a very young lady on the +doorstep is offering me a suit of clothes and tobacco. I pinch myself. I +am awake." + +Alas! Mingled with my joy at serving my ideal there was also grief. My +idle had feet of clay. He was a slave, like the rest of us, to his body. +He required clothes and tobacco. I felt that, before long, he might even +ask for an apple, or something to stay the pangs of hunger. This I felt +I could not bare. + +Perhaps I would better pass over quickly the events of the next hour. I +got the suit and the cigarettes, and even Jane's bath towel, and threw +them in to him. Also I believe he took a shower, as I heard the water +running, At about seven o'clock he said he had finished the play. He put +on the clothes which he observed almost fitted him, although gayer than +he usually wore, and said that if I would give him a hair pin he thought +he could pick the lock. But he did not succeed. + +Being now dressed, however, he drew a chair to the window and we +talked together. It seemed like a dream that I should be there, on such +intimate terms with a great playwright, who had just, even if under +compulsion, finished a last act, I bared my very soul to him, such as +about resembling Julia Marlowe, and no one understanding my craving to +achieve a place in the world of art. We were once interrupted by Hannah +looking for me for dinner. But I hid in a bath-house, and she went away. + +What was food to me compared with such a conversation? + +When Hannah had disappeared, he said suddenly: + +"It's rather unusual, isn't it, your having a suit of clothes and +everything in your--er--studio?" + +But I did not explain fully, merely saving that it was a painful story. + +At half past seven I saw mother on the veranda looking for me, and I +ducked out of sight, I was by this time very hungry, although I did not +like to mention the fact, But Mr. Beecher made a suggestion, which was +this: that the Pattens were evidently going to let him starve until +he got through work, and that he would see them in perdition before +he would be the butt for their funny remarks when they freed him. He +therefore tried to escape out the window, but stuck fast, and finally gave +it up. + +At last he said: + +"Look here, you're a curious child, but a nervy one. How'd you like to +see if you can get the key? If you do we'll go to a hotel and have a +real meal, and we can talk about your career." + +Although quivering with terror, I consented. How could I do otherwise, +with such a prospect? For now I began to see that all other emotions +previously felt were as nothing to this one. I confess, without shame, +that I felt the stirring of the tender passion in my breast. Ah me, that +it should have died ere it had hardly lived! + +"Where is the key?" I asked, in a rapt but anxious tone. + +He thought a while. + +"Generally," he said, "it hangs on a nail at the back entry. But the +chances are that Patten took it up to his room this time, for safety, +You'd know it if you saw it. It has some buttons off somebody's bathing +suit tied to it." + +Here it was necessary to hide again, as father came stocking out, +calling me in an angry tone. But shortly after-wards I was on my way +to the Patten's house, on shaking knees. It was by now twilight, that +beautiful period of romance, although the dinner hour also. Through the +dusk I sped, toward what? I knew not. + +The Pattens and the one-piece lady were at dinner, and having a very +good time, in spite of having locked a guest in the bath-house. Being +used to servants and prowling around, since at one time when younger I +had a habit of taking things from the pantry, I was quickly able to see +that the key was not in the entry. I therefore went around to the front +door and went in, being prepared, if discovered, to say that someone was +in their bath-house and they ought to know it. But I was not heard among +their sounds of revelry, and was able to proceed upstairs, which I did. + +But not having asked which was Mr. Patten's room, I was at a loss and +almost discovered by a maid who was turning down the beds--much too +early, also, and not allowed in the best houses until nine-thirty, since +otherwise the rooms look undressed and informal. + +I had but time to duck into another chamber, and from there to a closet. + +I REMAINED IN THAT CLOSET ALL NIGHT. + +I will explain. No sooner had the maid gone than a woman came into the +room and closed the door. I heard her moving around and I suddenly felt +that she was going to bed, and might get her robe de nuit out of the +closet. I was petrified. But it seems, while she really WAS undressing +at that early hour, the maid had laid her night clothes out, and I was +saved. + +Very soon a knock came to the door, and somebody came in, like Mrs. +Patten's voice and said: "You're not going to bed, surely!" + +"I'm going to pretend to have a sick headache," said the other person, +and I knew it was the one-piece lady. "He's going to come back in a +frenzy, and he'll take it out on me, unless I'm prepared." + +"Poor Reggie!" said Mrs. Patten, "To think of him locked in there alone, +and no clothes or anything. It's too funny for words." + +"You're not married to him." + +My heart stopped beating. Was SHE married to him? She was indeed. My +dream was over. And the worst part of it was that for a married man +I had done without food or exercise and now stood in a hot closet in +danger of a terrible fuss. + +"No, thank heaven!" said Mrs. Patten. "But it was the only way to make +him work. He is a lazy dog. But don't worry. We'll feed him before he +sees you. He's always rather tractable after he's fed." + +Were ALL my dreams to go? Would they leave nothing to my shattered +illusions? Alas, no. + +"Jolly him a little, too," said----can I write it?--Mrs. Beecher. "Tell +him he's the greatest thing in the world. That will help some. He's +vain, you know, awfully vain. I expect he's written a lot of piffle." + +Had they listened they would have heard a low, dry sob, wrung from +my tortured heart. But Mrs. Beecher had started a vibrator, and my +anguished cry was lost. + +"Well," said Mrs. Patten, "Will has gone down to let him out, I expect +he'll attack him. He's got a vile temper. I'll sit with you till he +comes back, if you don't mind. I'm feeling nervous." + +It was indeed painful to recall the next half hour. I must tell the +truth however. They discussed us, especially mother, who had not called. +They said that we thought we were the whole summer colony, although +every one was afraid of mother's tongue, and nobody would marry Leila, +except Carter Brooks, and he was poor and no prospects. And that I was +an incorrigible, and carried on something ghastly, and was going to be put +in a convent. I became justly furious and was about to step out and tell +them a few plain facts, when somebody hammered at the door and then came +in. It was Mr. Patten. + +"He's gone!" he said. + +"Well, he won't go far, in bathing trunks," said Mrs. Beecher. + +"That's just it. His bathing trunks are there." + +"Well, he won't go far without them!" + +"He's gone so far I can't locate him." + +I heard Mrs. Beecher get up. + +"Are you in earnest, Will?" she said. "Do you mean that he has gone +without a stitch of clothes, and can't be found?" + +Mrs. Patten gave a sort of screech. + +"You don't think--oh Will, he's so temperamental. You don't think he's +drowned himself?" + +"No such luck," said Mrs. Beecher, in a cold tone. I hated her for it. +True, he had deceived me. He was not as I had thought him. In our two +conversations he had not mentioned his wife, leaving me to believe him +free to love "where he listed," as the poet says. + +"There are a few clues," said Mr. Patten. "He got out by means of a wire +hairpin, for one thing. And he took the manuscript with him, which he'd +hardly have done if he meant to drown himself. Or even if, as we fear, +he had no pockets. He has smoked a lot of cigarettes out of a candy box, +which I did not supply him, and he left behind a bath towel that does +not, I think, belong to us." + +"I should think he would have worn it," said Mrs. Beecher, in a +scornful tone. + +"Here's the bath towel," Mr. Patten went on. "You may recognize the +initials. I don't." + +"B. P. A.," said Mrs. Beecher. "Look here, don't they call that--that +flibbertigibbet next door 'Barbara'?" + +"The little devil!" said Mr. Patten, in a raging tone. "She let him out, +and of course he's done no work on the play or anything. I'd like to +choke her." + +Nobody spoke then, and my heart beat fast and hard. I leave it to +anybody, how they'd like to be shut in a closet and threatened with a +violent death from without. Would or would they not ever be the same +person afterwords? + +"I'll tell you what I'd do," said the Beecher woman. "I'd climb up the +back of father, next door, and tell him what his little daughter has +done, because I know she's mixed up in it, towel or no towel. Reg is +always sappy when they're seventeen. And she's been looking moon-eyed at +him for days." + +Well, the Pattens went away, and Mrs. Beecher manicured her nails,--I +could hear her filing them--and sang around and was not much concerned, +although for all she knew he was in the briny deep, a corpse. How true +it is that "the paths of glory lead but to the grave." + +I got very tired and much hotter, and I sat down on the floor. After what +seemed like hours, Mrs. Patten came back, all breathless, and she said: + +"The girl's gone too, Clare." + +"What girl?" + +"Next door. If you want excitement, they've got it. The mother is in +hysterics and there's a party searching the beach for her body. The +truth is, of course, if that towel means anything." + +"That Reg has run away with her, of course," said Mrs. Beecher, in a +resigned tone. "I wish he would grow up and learn something. He's becoming +a nuisance. And when there are so many interesting people to run away +with, to choose that chit!" + +Yes, she said that, And in my retreat I could but sit and listen, and +of course perspire, which I did freely. Mrs. Patten went away, after +talking about the "scandal" for some time. And I sat and thought of the +beach being searched for my body, a thought which filled my eyes with +tears of pity for what might have been, I still hoped Mrs. Beecher would +go to bed, but she did not. Through the key hole I could see her with a +book, reading, and not caring at all that Mr. Beecher's body, and mine +too, might be washing about in the cruel sea, or have eloped to New York. + +I loathed her. + +At last I must have slept, for a bell rang, and there I was still in the +closet, and she was answering it. + +"Arrested?" she said, "Well, I should think he'd better be, if what you +say about clothing is true.... Well, then--what's he arrested for?... +Oh, kidnapping! Well, if I'm any judge, they ought to arrest the +Archibald girl for kidnapping HIM. No, don't bother me with it tonight. +I'll try to read myself to sleep." + +So this was marriage! Did she flee to her unjustly accused husband's side +and comfort him? Not she. She went to bed. + +At daylight, being about smothered, I opened the closet door and drew a +breath of fresh air. Also I looked at her, and she was asleep, with her +hair in patent wavers. Ye gods! + +The wife of Reginald Beecher thus to distort her looks at night! I could +not bare it. + +I averted my eyes, and on my tiptoes made for the window. + +My sufferings were over. In a short time I had slid down and was making +my way through the dewy morn toward my home. Before the sun was up, +or more than starting, I had climbed to my casement by means of a wire +trellis, and put on my 'robe de nuit'. But before I settled to sleep I +went to the pantry and there satisfied the pangs of hunger having had +nothing since breakfast the day before. All the lights seemed to be on, +on the lower floor, which I considered wasteful of Tanney, the butler. +But being sleepy, gave it no further thought. And so to bed, as the +great English dairy-keeper, Pepys, had said in his dairy. + +It seemed but a few moments later that I heard a scream, and opening my +eyes, saw Leila in the doorway. She screamed again, and mother came and +stood beside her. Although very drowsy, I saw that they still wore their +dinner clothes. + +They stared as if transfixed, and then mother gave a low moan, and said +to Sis: + +"That unfortunate man has been in jail all night." + +And Sis said: "Jane Raleigh is crazy. That's all." Then they looked at +me, and mother burst into tears. But Sis said: + +"You little imp! Don't tell me you've been in that bed all night. I KNOW +BETTER." + +I closed my eyes. They were not of the understanding sort, and never +would be. + +"If that's the way you feel I shall tell you nothing," I said wearily. + +"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" mother said, in a slow and dreadful voice. + +Well, I saw then that a part of the truth must be disclosed, especially +since she has for some time considered sending me to a convent, although +without cause, and has not done so for fear of my taking the veil. So I +told her this. I said: + +"I spent the night shut in a clothes closet, but where is my secret. +I cannot tell you." + +"Barbara! You MUST tell me." + +"It is not my secret alone, mother." + +She caught at the foot of the bed. + +"Who was shut with you in that closet?" she demanded in a shaking voice. +"Barbara, there is another wretched man in all this. It could not have +been Mr. Beecher, because he has been in the station house all night." + +I sat up, leaning on one elbow, and looked at her earnestly. + +"Mother" I said, "you have done enough damage, interfering with +careers--not only mine, but another's imperiled now by not having a +last act. I can tell you no more, except"--here my voice took on a deep +and intense fiber--"that I have done nothing to be ashamed of, although +unconventional." + +Mother put her hands to her face, and emitted a low, despairing cry. + +"Come," Leila said to her, as to a troubled child. "Come, and Hannah can +use the vibrator on your spine." + +So she went, but before she left she said: + +"Barbara, if you will only promise to be a good girl, and give us a +chance to live this scandal down, I will give you anything you ask for." + +"Mother!" Sis said, in an angry tone. + +"What can I do, Leila?" mother said. "The girl is attractive, and +probably men will always be following her and making trouble. Think of +last winter. I know it is bribery, but it is better than scandal." + +"I want nothing, mother," I said, in a low, heart stricken tone, "save to +be allowed to live my own life and to have a career." + +"My heavens," mother said, "if I hear that word again, I'll go crazy." + +So she went away, and Sis came over and looked down at me. + +"Well!" she said. "What's happened anyhow? Of course you've been up to +some mischief, but I don't suppose anybody will ever know the truth +of it. I was hoping you'd make it this time and get married, and stop +worrying us." + +"Go away, please, and let me sleep," I said. "As to getting married, +under no circumstances did I expect to marry him. He has a wife already. +Personally, I think she's a total loss. She wears patent wavers at +night, and sleeps with her mouth open. But who am I to interfere with +the marriage bond? I never have and never will." + +But Sis only gave me a wild look and went away. + + +This, dear readers and schoolmates, is the true story of my meeting with +and parting from Reginald Beecher, the playwright. Whatever the papers +may say, it is not true, except the fact that he was recognized by Jane +Raleigh, who knew the suit he wore, when in the act of pawning his ring +to get money to escape from his captors (I. E., The Pattens). It +was the necktie which struck her first, and also his guilty expression. +As I was missing by that time, Jane put two and two together and made an +elopement. + +Sometimes I sit and think things over, my fingers wandering "over the +ivory keys" of the typewriter they gave me to promise not to elope with +anybody--although such a thing is far from my mind--and the world seems +a cruel and unjust place, especially to those with ambition. + +For Reginald Beecher is no longer my ideal, my night of the pen. I will +tell about that in a few words. + +Jane Raleigh and I went to a matinee late in September before returning +to our institutions of learning. Jane clutched my arm as we looked at our +programs and pointed to something. + +How my heart beat! For whatever had come between us, I was still loyal +to him. + +This was a new play by him! + +"Ah," my heart seemed to say, "now again you will hear his dear words, +although spoken by alien mouths. + +"The love scenes----" + +I could not finish. Although married and forever beyond me, I could +still hear his manly tones as issuing from the door of the Bath-house. +I thrilled with excitement. As the curtain rose I closed my eyes in +ecstasy. + +"Bab!" Jane said, in a quavering tone. + +I looked. What did I see? The bath-house itself, the very one. And as +I stared I saw a girl, wearing her hair as I wear mine, cross the stage +with a bunch of keys in her hand, and say to the bath-house door. + +"Can't I do something to help? I do so want to help you." + +MY VERY WORDS. + +And a voice from beyond the bath-house door said: + +"Who's that?" + +HIS WORDS. + +I could bare no more. Heedless of Jane's protests and anguish, I got up +and went out, into the light of day. My body was bent with misery. +Because at last I knew that, like mother and all the rest, he too, did +not understand me and never would! To him I was but material, the stuff +that plays are made of!= + +```And now we know that he never could know, + +```And did not understand. + +```Kipling.= + +Ignoring Jane's observation that the tickets had cost two dollars each, +I gathered up the scattered skeins of my life together, and fled. + + + +CHAPTER III. HER DIARY: BEING THE DAILY JOURNAL OF THE SUB-DEB + + +JANUARY 1st. I have today received this diary from home, having come +back a few days early to make up a French condition. + +Weather, clear and cold. + +New Year's dinner. Roast chicken (Turkey being very expensive), mashed +turnips, sweet potatoes and mince pie. + +It is my intention to record in this book the details of my Daily Life, +my thoughts which are to sacred for utterance, and my ambitions. Because +who is there to whom I can speak them? I am surrounded by those who +exist for the mere pleasures of the day, or whose lives are bound up in +recitations. + +For instance, at dinner today, being mostly faculty and a few girls +who live in the far West, the conversation was entirely on buying a +phonograph for dancing because the music teacher has the measles and +is quarantined in the infirmary. And on Miss Everett's cousin, who has +written a play. + +When one looks at Miss Everett, one recognizes that no cousin of hers +could write a play. + +New Year's resolution--to help someone every day. Today helped +Mademoiselle to put on her rubbers. + + +JANUARY 2ND. Today I wrote my French theme, beginning, "Les hommes +songent moins a leur ame qua leur corps." Mademoiselle sent for me and +objected, saying that it was not a theme for a young girl, and that I +must write a new one, on the subject of pears. How is one to develop in +this atmosphere? + +Some of the girls are coming back. They straggle in, and put the favors +they got at cotillions on the dresser, and their holiday gifts, and each +one relates some amorous experience while at home. Dear Diary, is there +something wrong with me, that love has passed me by? I have had offers +of devotion but none that appealed to me, being mostly either too young or +not attracting me by physical charm. I am not cold, although frequently +accused of it, Beneath my frigid exterior beats a warm heart. I intend +to be honest in this diary, and so I admit it. But, except for passing +fancies--one being, alas, for a married man--I remain without the divine +passion. + +What must it be to thrill at the approach of the loved form? To harken +to each ring of the telephone bell, in the hope that, if it is not +the idolized voice, it is at least a message from it? To waken in the +morning and, looking around the familiar room, to muse: "Today I may see +him--on the way to the post office, or rushing past in his racing car." +And to know that at the same moment HE to is musing: "Today I may see +her, as she exercises herself at basket ball, or mounts her horse for a +daily canter!" + +Although I have no horse. The school does not care for them, considering +walking the best exercise. + +Have flunked the French again, Mademoiselle not feeling well, and +marking off for the smallest thing. + +Today's helpful deed--assisted one of the younger girls with her +spelling. + + +JANUARY 4TH. Miss Everett's cousin's play is coming here. The school is +to have free tickets, as they are "trying it on the dog." Which means +seeing if it is good enough for the large cities. + +We have decided, if Everett marks us well in English from now on, to +applaud it, but if she is unpleasant, to sit still and show no interest. + + +JANUARY 5TH, 6TH, 7TH, 8TH. Bad weather, which is depressing to one of +my temperament. Also boil on nose. + +A few helpful deeds--nothing worth putting down. + + +JANUARY 9TH. Boil cut. + +Again I can face my image in my mirror, and not shrink. + +Mademoiselle is sick and no French. MISERICORDE! + +Helpful deed--sent Mademoiselle some fudge, but this school does not +encourage kindness. Reprimanded for cooking in room. School sympathizes +with me. We will go to Miss Everett's cousin's play, but we will damn it +with faint praise. + + +JANUARY 10TH. I have written this date, and now I sit back and regard +it. As it is impressed on this white paper, so, Dear Diary, is it +written on my soul. To others it may be but the tenth of January. To me +it is the day of days. Oh, tenth of January! Oh, Monday. Oh, day of my +awakening! + +It is now late at night, and around me my schoolmates are sleeping the +sleep of the young and heart free. Lights being off, I am writing by the +faint luminosity of a candle. Propped up in bed, my mackinaw coat over +my 'robe de nuit' for warmth, I sit and dream. And as I dream I still hear +in my ears his final words: "My darling. My woman!" + +How wonderful to have them said to one night after night, the while +being in his embrace, his tender arms around one! I refer to the heroine +in the play, to whom he says the above rapturous words. + +Coming home from the theater tonight, still dazed with the revelation of +what I am capable of, once aroused, I asked Miss Everett if her cousin +had said anything about Mr. Egleston being in love with the leading +character. She observed: + +"No. But he may be. She is very pretty." + +"Possibly," I remarked. "But I should like to see her in the morning, +when she gets up." + +All the girls were perfectly mad about Mr. Egleston, although pretending +merely to admire his Art. But I am being honest, as I agreed at the +start, and now I know, as I sit here with the soft, although chilly +breezes of the night blowing on my hot brow, now I know that this thing +that has come to me is Love. Moreover, it is the Love of my Life. He will +never know it, but I am his. He is exactly my ideal, strong and tall and +passionate. And clever, too. He said some awfully clever things. + +I believe that he saw me. He looked in my direction. But what does it +matter? I am small, insignificant. He probably thinks me a mere child, +although seventeen. + +What matters, oh Diary, is that I am at last in Love. It is hopeless. +Just now, when I had written that word, I buried my face in my hands. +There is no hope. None. I shall never see him again. He passed out of my +life on the 11:45 train. But I love him. MON DIEU, how I love him! + + +JANUARY 11TH. We are going home. WE ARE GOING HOME. WE ARE GOING HOME. +WE ARE GOING HOME! + +Mademoiselle has the measles. + + +JANUARY 13TH. The family managed to restrain its ecstasy on seeing me +today. The house is full of people, as they are having a dinner-dance +tonight. Sis had moved into my room, to let one of the visitors have +hers, and she acted in a very unfilial manner when she came home and +found me in it. + +"Well!" she said. "Expelled at last?" + +"Not at all," I replied in a lofty manner. "I am here through no fault +of my own. And I'd thank you to have Hannah take your clothes off my +bed." + +She gave me a bitter glance. + +"I never knew it to fail!" she said. "Just as everything is fixed, and +we're recovering from you're being here for the holidays, you come back +and stir up a lot of trouble. What brought you, anyhow?" + +"Measles." + +She snatched up her ball gown. + +"Very well," she said. "I'll see that you're quarantined, Miss Barbara, +all right. And If you think you're going to slip downstairs tonight +after dinner and WORM yourself into this party, I'll show you." + +She flounced out, and shortly afterward mother took a minute from the +florist, and came upstairs. + +"I do hope you are not going to be troublesome, Barbara," she said. "You +are too young to understand, but I want everything to go well tonight, +and Leila ought not to be worried." + +"Can't I dance a little?" + +"You can sit on the stairs and watch." She looked fidgety. "I--I'll +send up a nice dinner, and you can put on your dark blue, with a fresh +collar, and--it ought to satisfy you, Barbara, that you are at home and +possibly have brought the measles with you, without making a lot of fuss. +When you come out----" + +"Oh, very well," I murmured, in a resigned tone. "I don't care enough +about it to want to dance with a lot of souses anyhow." + +"Barbara!" said mother. + +"I suppose you have some one on the string for her," I said, with the +abandon of my thwarted hopes. "Well, I hope she gets him. Because if not, +I daresay I shall be kept in the cradle for years to come." + +"You will come out when you reach a proper age," she said, "if your +impertinence does not kill me off before my time." + +Dear Diary, I am fond of my mother, and I felt repentant and stricken. + +So I became more agreeable, although feeling all the time that she does +not and never will understand my temperament. I said: + +"I don't care about society, and you know it, mother. If you'll keep +Leila out of this room, which isn't much but is my castle while here, +I'll probably go to bed early." + +"Barbara, sometimes I think you have no affection for your sister." + +I had agreed to honesty January first, so I replied. + +"I have, of course, mother. But I am fonder of her while at school than +at home. And I should be a better sister if not condemned to her old +things, including hats which do not suit my type." + +Mother moved over majestically to the door and shut it. Then she came +and stood over me. + +"I've come to the conclusion, Barbara," she said, "to appeal to your +better nature. Do you wish Leila to be married and happy?" + +"I've just said, mother----" + +"Because a very interesting thing is happening," said mother, trying to +look playful. "I--a chance any girl would jump at." + +So here I sit, Dear Diary, while there are sounds of revelry below, and +Sis jumps at her chance, which is the Honorable Page Beresford, who is +an Englishman visiting here because he has a weak heart and can't fight. +And father is away on business, and I am all alone. + +I have been looking for a rash, but no luck. + +Ah me, how the strains of the orchestra recall that magic night in the +theater when Adrian Egleston looked down into my eyes and although +ostensibly to an actress, said to my beating heart: "My Darling! My +Woman!" + + +3 A. M. I wonder if I can control my hands to write. + +In mother's room across the hall I can hear furious voices, and I know +that Leila is begging to have me sent to Switzerland. Let her beg. +Switzerland is not far from England, and in England---- + +Here I pause to reflect a moment. How is this thing possible? Can I love +members of the other sex? And if such is the case, how can I go on +with my life? Better far to end it now, than to perchance marry one, and +find the other still in my heart. The terrible thought has come to me +that I am fickle. + +Fickle or polygamous--which? + +Dear Diary, I have not been a good girl. My New Year's Resolutions have +gone to airy nothing. + +The way they went was this: I had settled down to a quiet evening, +spent with his beloved picture which I had clipped from a newspaper. +(Adrian's. I had not as yet met the other.) And, as I sat in my chamber, +I grew more and more desolate. I love life, although pessimistic at +times. And it seemed hard that I should be there, in exile, while my +sister, only 20 months older, was jumping at her chance below. + +At last I decided to try on one of Sis's frocks and see how I looked in +it. I thought, if it looked all right, I might hang over the stairs and +see what I then scornfully termed "His Nibs." Never again shall I so +call him. + +I got an evening gown from Sis's closet, and it fitted me quite well, +although tight at the waste for me, owing to basketball. It was also +too low, so that when I had got it all hooked about four inches of my +lingerie showed. As it had been hard as anything to hook, I was obliged +to take the scissors and cut off the said lingerie. The result was good, +although very decollete. I have no bones in my neck, or practically so. + +And now came my moment of temptation. How easy to put my hair up on +my head, and then, by the servant's staircase, make my way to the scene +below! + +I, however, considered that I looked pale, although mature. I looked +at least nineteen. So I went into Sis's room, which was full of evening +wraps but empty, and put on a touch of rouge. With that and my eyebrows +blackened, I would not have known myself, had I not been certain it was I +and no other. + +I then made my way down the back stairs. + +Ah me, Dear Diary, was that but a few hours ago? Is it but a short time +since Mr. Beresford was sitting at my feet, thinking me a debutante, +and staring soulfully into my very heart? Is it but a matter of minutes +since Leila found us there, and in a manner which revealed the true +feeling she has for me, ordered me to go upstairs and take off Maddie +Mackenzie's gown? + +(Yes, it was not Leila's after all. I had forgotten that Maddie had +taken her room. And except for pulling it somewhat at the waist, I am +sure I did not hurt the old thing.) + +I shall now go to bed and dream. Of which one I know not. My heart is +full. Romance has come at last into my dull and dreary life. Below, the +revelers have gone. The flowers hang their herbaceous heads. The music +has flowed away into the river of the past. I am alone with my Heart. + + +JANUARY 14TH. How complicated my life grows, Dear Diary! How full and +yet how incomplete! How everything begins and nothing ends! + +HE is in town. + +I discovered it at breakfast. I knew I was in for it, and I got down +early, counting on mother breakfasting in bed. I would have felt better +if father had been at home, because he understands somewhat the way they +keep me down. But he was away about an order for shells (not sea; war), +and I was to bare my chiding alone. I had eaten my fruit and cereal, and +was about to begin on sausage, when mother came in, having risen early +from her slumbers to take the decorations to the hospital. + +"So here you are, wretched child!" she said, giving me one of her coldest +looks. "Barbara, I wonder if you ever think whither you are tending." + +I ate a sausage. + +What, Dear Diary, was there to say? + +"To disobey!" she went on. "To force yourself on the attention of Mr. +Beresford, in a borrowed dress, with your eyelashes blackened and your +face painted----" + +"I should think, mother," I observed, "that if he wants to marry into +this family, and is not merely being dragged into it, that he ought to +see the worst at the start." She glared, without speaking. "You know," I +continued, "it would be a dreadful thing to have the ceremony performed +and everything too late to back out, and then have ME sprung on him. It +wouldn't be honest, would it?" + +"Barbara!" she said in a terrible tone. "First disobedience, and now +sarcasm. If your father was only here! I feel so alone and helpless." + +Her tone cut me to the heart. After all she was my own mother, or at +least maintained so, in spite of numerous questions engendered by our +lack of resemblance, moral as well as physical. But I did not offer +to embarrass her, as she was at that moment poring out her tea. I hid my +misery behind the morning paper, and there I beheld the fated vision. +Had I felt any doubt as to the state of my affections it was settled +then. My heart leaped in my bosom. My face suffused. My hands trembled +so that a piece of sausage slipped from my fork. His picture looked out +at me with that well remembered gaze from the depths of the morning +paper! + +Oh, Adrian, Adrian! + +Here in the same city as I, looking out over perchance the same +newspaper to perchance the same sun, wondering--ah, what was he +wondering? + +I was not even then, in that first rapture, foolish about him. I knew +that to him I was probably but a tender memory. I knew, too, that he was +but human and probably very conceited. On the other hand, I pride myself +on being a good judge of character, and he carried nobility in every +lineament. Even the obliteration of one eye by the printer could only +hamper but not destroy his dear face. + +"Barbara," mother said sharply. "I am speaking. Are you being sulky?" + +"Pardon me, mother," I said in my gentlest tones. "I was but dreaming." +And as she made no reply, but rang the bell viciously, I went on, +pursuing my line of thought. "Mother, were you ever in love?" + +"Love! What sort of love?" + +I sat up and stared at her. + +"Is there more than one sort?" I demanded. + +"There is a very silly, schoolgirl love," she said, eying me, "that +people outgrow and blush to look back on." + +"Do you?" + +"Do I what?" + +"Do you blush to look back on it?" + +Mother rose and made a sweeping gesture with her right arm. + +"I wash my hands of you!" she said. "You are impertinent and indelicate. +At your age I was an innocent child, not troubling with things that did +not concern me. As for love, I had never heard of it until I came out." + +"Life must have burst on you like an explosion," I observed. "I suppose +you thought that babies----" + +"Silence!" mother shrieked. And seeing that she persisted in ignoring +the real things of life while in my presence, I went out, clutching the +precious paper to my heart. + + +JANUARY 15TH. I am alone in my boudoir (which is really the old +schoolroom, and used now for a sewing room). + +My very soul is sick, oh Diary. How can I face the truth? How write it +out for my eyes to see? But I must. For something must be done! The play +is failing. + +The way I discovered it was this. Yesterday, being short of money, I +sold my amethyst pin to Jane, one of the housemaids, for two dollars, +throwing in a lace collar when she seemed doubtful, as I had a special +purpose for using funds. Had father been at home I could have touched +him, but mother is different. + +I then went out to buy a frame for his picture, which I had repaired by +drawing in the other eye, although lacking the fire and passionate look +of the original. At the shop I was compelled to show it, to buy a frame +to fit. The clerk was almost overpowered. + +"Do you know him?" she asked, in a low and throbbing tone. + +"Not intimately," I replied. + +"Don't you love the Play?" she said. "I'm crazy about it. I've been back +three times. Parts of it I know off by heart. He's very handsome. That +picture don't do him justice." + +I gave her a searching glance. Was it possible that, without any +acquaintance with him whatever, she had fallen in love with him? It was +indeed. She showed it in every line of her silly face. + +I drew myself up haughtily. "I should think it would be very expensive, +going so often," I said, in a cool tone. + +"Not so very. You see, the play is a failure, and they give us girls +tickets to dress the house. Fill it up, you know. Half the girls in the +store are crazy about Mr. Egleston." + +My world shuddered about me. What--fail! That beautiful play, ending "My +darling, my woman"? It could not be. Fate would not be cruel. Was there +no appreciation of the best in art? Was it indeed true, as Miss Everett +has complained, although not in these exact words, that the Theater was +only supported now by chorus girls' legs, dancing about in utter abandon? + +With an expression of despair on my features, I left the store, carrying +the frame under my arm. + +One thing is certain. I must see the play again, and judge it with a +critical eye. IF IT IS WORTH SAVING, IT MUST BE SAVED. + + +JANUARY 16TH. Is it only a day since I saw you, Dear Diary? Can so much +have happened in the single lapse of a few hours? I look in my mirror, +and I look much as before, only with perhaps a touch of pallor. Who +would not be pale? + +I have seen HIM again, and there is no longer any doubt in my heart. +Page Beresford is attractive, and if it were not for circumstances as +they are I would not answer for the consequences. But things ARE as they +are. There is no changing that. And I have read my own heart. + +I am not fickle. On the contrary, I am true as steal. + +I have put his picture under my mattress, and have given Jane my gold +cuff pins to say nothing when she makes my bed. And now, with the house +full of people downstairs acting in a flippant and noisy manner, I shall +record how it all happened. + +My financial condition was not improved this morning, father having not +returned. But I knew that I must see the play, as mentioned above, even +if it became necessary to borrow from Hannah. At last, seeing no other +way, I tried this, but failed. + +"What for?" she said, in a suspicious way. + +"I need it terribly, Hannah," I said. + +"You'd ought to get it from your mother, then, Miss Barbara. The last +time I gave you some you paid it back in postage stamps, and I haven't +written a letter since. They're all stuck together now, and a total +loss." + +"Very well," I said, frigidly. "But the next time you break +anything----" + +"How much do you want?" she asked. + +I took a quick look at her, and I saw at once that she had decided to +lend it to me and then run and tell mother, beginning, "I think you'd +ought to know, Mrs. Archibald----" + +"Nothing doing, Hannah," I said, in a most dignified manner. "But I +think you are an old clam, and I don't mind saying so." + +I was now thrown on my own resources, and very bitter. I seemed to have +no friends, at a time when I needed them most, when I was, as one may +say, "standing with reluctant feet, where the brook and river meet." + +Tonight I am no longer sick of life, as I was then. My throws of anguish +have departed. But I was then utterly reckless, and even considered +running away and going on the stage myself. + +I have long desired a career for myself, anyhow. I have a good mind, and +learn easily, and I am not a parasite. The idea of being such has always +been repugnant to me, while the idea of a few dollars at a time doled +out to one of independent mind is galling. And how is one to remember +what one has done with one's allowance, when it is mostly eaten up +by small loans, carfare, stamps, church collection, rose water and +glycerin, and other mild cosmetics, and the additional food necessary +when one is still growing? + +To resume, Dear Diary; having utterly failed with Hannah, and having +shortly after met Sis on the stairs, I said to her, in a sisterly tone, +intimate rather than fond: + +"I daresay you can lend me five dollars for a day or so." + +"I daresay I can. But I won't," was her cruel reply. + +"Oh, very well," I said briefly. But I could not refrain from making a +grimace at her back, and she saw me in a mirror. + +"When I think," she said heartlessly, "that that wretched school may be +closed for weeks, I could scream." + +"Well, scream!" I replied. "You'll scream harder if I've brought the +measles home on me. And if you're laid up, you can say good-bye to the +dishonorable. You've got him tied, maybe," I remarked, "but not thrown +as yet." + +(A remark I had learned from one of the girls, Trudie Mills, who comes +from Montana.) + +I was therefore compelled to dispose of my silver napkin ring from school. +Jane was bought up, she said, and I sold it to the cook for fifty cents +and half a mince pie although baked with our own materials. + +All my fate, therefore, hung on a paltry fifty cents. + +I was torn with anxiety. Was it enough? Could I, for fifty cents, steal +away from the sordid cares of life, and lose myself in obliviousness, +gazing only it his dear face, listening to his dear and softly modulated +voice, and wondering if, as his eyes swept the audience, they might +perchance light on me and brighten with a momentary gleam in their +unfathomable depths? Only this and nothing more, was my expectation. + +How different was the reality! + +Having ascertained that there was a matinee, I departed at an early hour +after luncheon, wearing my blue velvet with my fox furs. White gloves +and white topped shoes completed my outfit, and, my own chapeau showing +the effect of a rainstorm on the way home from church while away at +school, I took a chance on one of Sis's, a perfectly maddening one of +rose-colored velvet. As the pink made me look pale, I added a touch of +rouge. + +I looked fully out, and indeed almost second season. I have a way of +assuming a serious and mature manner, so that I am frequently taken +for older than I really am. Then, taking a few roses left from the +decorations, and thrusting them carelessly into the belt of my coat, +I went out the back door, as Sis was getting ready for some girls to play +bridge, in the front of the house. + +Had I felt any grief at deceiving my family, the bridge party would +have knocked them. For, as usual, I had not been asked, although playing +a good game myself, and having on more than one occasion won most of the +money in the Upper House at school. + +I was early at the theater. No one was there, and women were going +around taking covers off the seats. My fifty cents gave me a good seat, +from which I opined, alas, that the shop girl had been right and business +was rotten. But at last, after hours of waiting, the faint tuning of +musical instruments was heard. + +From that time I lived in a daze. I have never before felt so strange. +I have known and respected the other sex, and indeed once or twice been +kissed by it. But I had remained cold. My pulses had never fluttered. +I was always concerned only with the fear that others had overseen +and would perhaps tell. But now--I did not care who would see, if only +Adrian would put his arms about me. Divine shamelessness! Brave Rapture! +For if one who he could not possibly love, being so close to her in her +make-up, if one who was indeed employed to be made love to, could submit +in public to his embraces, why should not I, who would have died for +him? + +These were my thoughts as the play went on. The hours flew on joyous +feet. When Adrian came to the footlights and looking apparently square +at me, declaimed: "The world owes me a living. I will have it," I almost +swooned. His clothes were worn. He looked hungry and gaunt. But how +true that= + + ``"Rags are royal raiment, when worn for virtue's sake."= + +(I shall stop here and go down to the pantry. I could eat no dinner, +being filled with emotion. But I must keep strong if I am to help Adrian +in his trouble. The mince pie was excellent, but after all pastry does +not take the place of solid food.) + + +LATER: I shall now go on with my recital. As the theater was almost +empty, at the end of Act One I put on the pink hat and left it on as +though absent-minded. There was no one behind me. And, although during +act one I had thought that he perhaps felt my presence, he had not once +looked directly at me. + +But the hat captured his errant gaze, as one may say. And, after capture, +it remained on my face, so much so that I flushed and a woman sitting +near with a very plain girl in a skunk collar, observed: + +"Really, it is outrageous." + +Now came a moment which I thrill even to recollect. For Adrian plucked +a pink rose from a vase--he was in the millionaire's house, and was +starving in the midst of luxury--and held it to his lips. + +The rose, not the house, of course. Looking over it, he smiled down at +me. + + +LATER: It is midnight. I cannot sleep. Perchance he too, is lying awake. +I am sitting at the window in my robe de nuit. Below, mother and Sis +have just come in, and Smith has slammed the door of the car and gone +back to the garage. How puny is the life my family leads! Nothing but +eating and playing, with no higher thoughts. + +A man has just gone by. For a moment I thought I recognized the +footstep. But no, it was but the night watchman. + + +JANUARY 17TH. Father still away. No money, as mother absolutely refuses +on account of Maddie Mackenzie's gown, which she had to send away to be +repaired. + + +JANUARY 18TH. Father still away. The Hon. sent Sis a huge bunch of +orchids today. She refused me even one. She is always tight with flowers +and candy. + + +JANUARY 19TH. The paper says that Adrian's play is going to close +the end of next week. No business. How can I endure to know that he +is suffering, and that I cannot help, even to the extent of buying one +ticket? Matinee today, and no money. Father still away. + +I have tried to do a kind deed today, feeling that perhaps it would +soften mother's heart and she would advance my allowance. I offered to +manicure her nails for her, but she refused, saying that as Hannah had +done it for many years, she guessed she could manage now. + + +JANUARY 20TH. Today I did a desperate thing, dear Diary. + + +"The desperate is the wisest course." Butler. + + +It is Sunday. I went to church, and thought things over. What a +wonderful thing it would be if I could save the play! Why should I feel +that my sex is a handicap? + +The rector preached on "The Opportunities of Women." The Sermon gave +me courage to go on. When he said, "Women today step in where men are +afraid to tread, and bring success out of failure," I felt that it was +meant for me. + +Had no money for the plate, and mother attempted to smuggle a half dollar +to me. I refused, however, as if I cannot give my own money to the +heathen, I will give none. Mother turned pale, and the man with the +plate gave me a black look. What can he know of my reasons? + +Beresford lunched with us, and as I discouraged him entirely, he was +very attentive to Sis. Mother is planing a big wedding, and I found Sis +in the store room yesterday looking up mother's wedding veil. + +No old stuff for me. + +I guess Beresford is trying to forget that he kissed my hand the other +night, for he called me "Little Miss Barbara" today, meaning little in +the sense of young. I gave him a stern glance. + +"I am not any littler than the other night," I observed. + +"That was merely an affectionate diminutive," he said, looking +uncomfortable. + +"If you don't mind," I said coldly, "you might do as you have +heretofore--reserve your affectionate advances until we are alone." + +"Barbara!" mother said. And began quickly to talk about a Lady Something +or other we'd met on a train in Switzerland. Because--they can talk +until they are black in the face, dear Diary, but it is true we do not +know any of the British Nobility, except the aforementioned and the man +who comes once a year with flavoring extracts, who says he is the third +son of a baronet. + +Every one being out this afternoon, I suddenly had an inspiration, and +sent for Carter Brooks. I then put my hair up and put on my blue silk, +because while I do not believe in woman using her feminine charm when +talking business, I do believe that she should look her best under any +and all circumstances. + +He was rather surprised not to find Sis in, as I had used her name in +telephoning. + +"I did it," I explained, "because I knew that you felt no interest in +me, and I had to see you." + +He looked at me, and said: + +"I'm rather flabbergasted, Bab. I--what ought I to say, anyhow?" + +He came very close, dear Diary, and suddenly I saw in his eyes the +horrible truth. He thought me in love with him, and sending for him while +the family was out. + +Words cannot paint my agony of soul. I stepped back, but he seized my +hand, in a caressing gesture. + +"Bab!" he said. "Dear little Bab!" + +Had my affections not been otherwise engaged, I should have thrilled at +his accents. But, although handsome and of good family, though poor, +I could not see it that way. + +So I drew my hand away, and retreated behind a sofa. + +"We must have an understanding, Carter" I Said. "I have sent for you, +but not for the reason you seem to think. I am in desperate trouble." + +He looked dumfounded. + +"Trouble!" he said. "You! Why, little Bab" + +"If you don't mind," I put in, rather pettishly, because of not being +little, "I wish you would treat me like almost a debutante, if not +entirely. I am not a child in arms." + +"You are sweet enough to be, if the arms might be mine." + +I have puzzled over this, since, dear Diary. Because there must be +some reason why men fall in love with me. I am not ugly, but I am not +beautiful, my nose being too short. And as for clothes, I get none +except Leila's old things. But Jane Raleigh says there are women like +that. She has a cousin who has had four husbands and is beginning on +a fifth, although not pretty and very slovenly, but with a mass of red +hair. + +Are all men to be my lovers? + +"Carter," I said earnestly, "I must tell you now that I do not care for +you--in that way." + +"What made you send for me, then?" + +"Good gracious!" I exclaimed, losing my temper somewhat. "I can send for +the ice man without his thinking I'm crazy about him, can't I?" + +"Thanks." + +"The truth is," I said, sitting down and motioning him to a seat in my +maturest manner, "I--I want some money. There are many things, but the +money comes first." + +He just sat and looked at me with his mouth open. + +"Well," he said at last, "of course--I suppose you know you've come to a +Bank that's gone into the hands of a receiver. But aside from that, +Bab, it's a pretty mean trick to send for me and let me think--well, no +matter about that. How much do you want?" + +"I can pay it back as soon as father comes home," I said, to relieve his +mind. It is against my principals to borrow money, especially from one who +has little or none. But since I was doing it, I felt I might as well ask +for a lot. + +"Could you let me have ten dollars?" I said, in a faint tone. + +He drew a long breath. + +"Well, I guess yes," he observed. "I thought you were going to touch me +for a hundred, anyhow. I--I suppose you wouldn't give me a kiss and call +it square." + +I considered. Because after all, a kiss is not much, and ten dollars is +a good deal. But at last my better nature won out. + +"Certainly not," I said coldly. "And if there is a string to it I do not +want it." + +So he apologized, and came and sat beside me, without being a nuisance, +and asked me what my other troubles were. + +"Carter" I said, in a grave voice, "I know that you believe me young +and incapable of affection. But you are wrong. I am of a most loving +disposition." + +"Now see here, Bab," he said. "Be fair. If I am not to hold your hand, +or--or be what you call a nuisance, don't talk like this. I am but +human," he said, "and there is something about you lately that--well, go +on with your story. Only, as I say, don't try me to far." + +"It's like this," I explained. "Girls think they are cold and distant, +and indeed, frequently are." + +"Frequently!" + +"Until they meet the right one. Then they learn that their hearts are, +as you say, but human." + +"Bab," he said, suddenly turning and facing me, "an awful thought has +come to me. You are in love--and not with me!" + +"I am in love, and not with you," I said in tragic tones. + +I had not thought he would feel it deeply--because of having been +interested in Leila since they went out in their perambulators together. +But I could see it was a shock to him. He got up and stood looking in +the fire, and his shoulders shook with grief. + +"So I have lost you," he said in a smothered voice. And then--"Who is +the sneaking scoundrel?" + +I forgave him this, because of his being upset, and in a rapt attitude I +told him the whole story. He listened, as one in a daze. + +"But I gather," he said, when at last the recital was over, "that you +have never met the--met him." + +"Not in the ordinary use of the word," I remarked. "But then it is +not an ordinary situation. We have met and we have not. Our eyes have +spoken, if not our vocal chords." Seeing his eyes on me I added, "if +you do not believe that soul can cry unto soul, Carter, I shall go no +further." + +"Oh!" he exclaimed. "There is more, is there? I trust it is not +painful, because I have stood as much as I can now without breaking +down." + +"Nothing of which I am ashamed," I said, rising to my full height. "I +have come to you for help, Carter. That play must not fail!" + +We faced each other over those vital words--faced, and found no +solution. + +"Is it a good play?" he asked, at last. + +"It is a beautiful play. Oh, Carter, when at the end he takes his +sweetheart in his arms--the leading lady, and not at all attractive. Jane +Raleigh says that the star generally hates his leading lady--there is not +a dry eye in the house." + +"Must be a jolly little thing. Well, of course I'm no theatrical +manager, but if it's any good there's only one way to save it. +Advertise. I didn't know the piece was in town, which shows that the +publicity has been rotten." + +He began to walk the floor. I don't think I have mentioned it, but that +is Carter's business. Not walking the floor. Advertising. Father says he +is quite good, although only beginning. + +"Tell me about it," he said. + +So I told him that Adrian was a mill worker, and the villain makes him +lose his position, by means of forgery. And Adrian goes to jail, and +comes out, and no one will give him work. So he prepares to blow up +a millionaire's house, and his sweetheart is in it. He has been to the +millionaire for work and been refused and thrown out, saying, just before +the butler and three footmen push him through a window, in dramatic +tones, "The world owes me a living and I will have it." + +"Socialism!" said Carter. "Hard stuff to handle for the two dollar +seats. The world owes him a living. Humph! Still, that's a good line to +work on. Look here, Bab, give me a little time on this, eh what? I may +be able to think of a trick or two. But mind, not a word to any one." + +He started out, but he came back. + +"Look here," he said. "Where do we come in on this anyhow? Suppose I do +think of something--what then? How are we to know that your beloved and +his manager will thank us for butting in, or do what we suggest?" + +Again I drew myself to my full height. + +"I am a person of iron will when my mind is made up," I said. "You think +of something, Carter, and I'll see that it is done." + +He gazed at me in a rapt manner. + +"Dammed if I don't believe you," he said. + +It is now late at night. Beresford has gone. The house is still. I take +the dear picture out from under my mattress and look at it. + +Oh Adrien, my Thespian, my Love. + + +JANUARY 21ST. I have a bad cold, Dear Diary, and feel rotten. But only +my physical condition is such. I am happy beyond words. This morning, +while mother and Sis were out I called up the theater and inquired the +price of a box. The man asked me to hold the line, and then came back +and said it would be ten dollars. I told him to reserve it for Miss +Putnam--my middle name. + +I am both terrified and happy, dear Diary, as I lie here in bed with a +hot water bottle at my feet. I have helped the play by buying a box, +and tonight I shall sit in it alone, and he will perceive me there, and +consider that I must be at least twenty, or I would not be there at +the theater alone. Hannah has just come in and offered to lend me three +dollars. I refused haughtily, but at last rang for her and took two. I +might as well have a taxi tonight. + + +1 A. M. The family was there! I might have known it. Never do I have +any luck. I am a broken thing, crushed to earth. But "Truth crushed to +earth will rise again."--Whittier? + +I had my dinner in bed, on account of my cold, and was let severely alone +by the family. At seven I rose and with palpitating fingers dressed +myself in my best evening frock, which is a pale yellow. I put my hair +up, and was just finished, when mother knocked. It was terrible. + +I had to duck back into bed and crush everything. But she only looked in +and said to try and behave for the next three hours, and went away. + +At a quarter to eight I left the house in a clandestine manner by means +of the cellar and the area steps, and on the pavement drew a long breath. +I was free, and I had twelve dollars. + +Act One went well, and no disturbance. Although Adrian started when he +saw me. The yellow looked very well. + +I had expected to sit back, sheltered by the curtains, and only visible +from the stage. I have often read of this method. But there were no +curtains. I therefore sat, turning a stoney profile to the audience, and +ignoring it, as though it were not present, trusting to luck that no +one I knew was there. + +He saw me. More than that, he hardly took his eyes from the box wherein +I sat. I am sure to that he had mentioned me to the company, for one and +all they stared at me until I think they will know me the next time they +see me. + +I still think I would not have been recognized by the family had I not, +in a very quiet scene, commenced to sneeze. I did this several times, and +a lot of people looked annoyed, as though I sneezed because I liked +to sneeze. And I looked back at them defiantly, and in so doing, +encountered the gaze of my maternal parent. + +Oh, Dear Diary, that I could have died at that moment, and thus, when +stretched out a pathetic figure, with tuber roses and other flowers, have +compelled their pity. But alas, no. I sneezed again! + +Mother was wedged in, and I saw that my only hope was flight. I had not +had more than between three and four dollars worth of the evening, but +I glanced again and Sis was boring holes into me with her eyes. Only +Beresford knew nothing, and was trying to hold Sis's hand under her +opera cloak. Any fool could tell that. + +But, as I was about to rise and stand poised, as one may say, for +departure, I caught Adrian's eyes, with a gleam in their deep depths. He +was, at the moment, toying with the bowl of roses. He took one out, +and while the leading lady was talking, he edged his way toward my box. +There, standing very close, apparently by accident, he dropped the rose +into my lap. + +Oh Diary! Diary! + +I picked it up, and holding it close to me, I flew. + +I am now in bed and rather chilly. Mother banged at the door some time +ago, and at last went away, muttering. + +I am afraid she is going to be pettish. + + +JANUARY 22ND. Father came home this morning, and things are looking up. +Mother of course tackled him first thing, and when he came upstairs I +expected an awful time. But my father is a real person, so he only sat +down on the bed, and said: + +"Well, chicken, so you're at it again!" + +I had to smile, although my chin shook. + +"You'd better turn me out and forget me," I said. "I was born for +trouble. My advice to the family is to get out from under. That's all." + +"Oh, I don't know," he said. "It's pretty convenient to have a family +to drop on when the slump comes." He thumped himself on the chest. +"A hundred and eighty pounds," he observed, "just intended for little +daughters to fall back on when other things fail." + +"Father," I inquired, putting my hand in his, because I had been bearing +my burdens alone, and my strength was failing: "do you believe in Love?" + +"DO I!" + +"But I mean, not the ordinary attachment between two married people. I +mean Love--the real thing." + +"I see! Why, of course I do." + +"Did you ever read Pope, father?" + +"Pope? Why I--probably, chicken. Why?" + +"Then you know what he says: 'Curse on all laws but those which Love has +made.'" + +"Look here," he said, suddenly laying a hand on my brow. "I believe you +are feverish." + +"Not feverish, but in trouble," I explained. And so I told him the +story, not saying much of my deep passion for Adrian, but merely that +I had formed an attachment for him which would persist during life. +Although I had never yet exchanged a word with him. + +Father listened and said it was indeed a sad story, and that he knew my +deep nature, and that I would be true to the end. But he refused to +give me any money, except enough to pay back Hannah and Carter Brooks, +saying: + +"Your mother does not wish you to go to the theater again, and who are +we to go against her wishes? And anyhow, maybe if you met this fellow +and talked to him, you would find him a disappointment. Many a +pretty girl I have seen in my time, who didn't pan out according to +specifications when I finally met her." + +At this revelation of my beloved father's true self, I was almost +stunned. It is evident that I do not inherit my being true as steel from +him. Nor from my mother, who is like steel in hardness but not in being +true to anything but social position. + +As I record this awful day, dear Dairy, there comes again into my mind +the thought that I DO NOT BELONG HERE. I am not like them. I do not even +resemble them in features. And, if I belonged to them, would they +not treat me with more consideration and less discipline? Who, in the +family, has my nose? + +It is all well enough for Hannah to observe that I was a pretty baby +with fat cheeks. May not Hannah herself, for some hidden reason, have +brought me here, taking away the real I to perhaps languish unseen and +"waste my sweetness on the desert air"? But that way lies madness. +Life must be made the best of as it is, and not as it might be or indeed +ought to be. + +Father promised before he left that I was not to be scolded, as I felt +far from well, and was drinking water about every minute. + +"I just want to lie here and think about things," I said, when he was +going. "I seem to have so many thoughts. And father----" + +"Yes, chicken." + +"If I need any help to carry out a plan I have, will you give it to me, +or will I have to go to total strangers?" + +"Good gracious, Bab!" he exclaimed. "Come to me, of course." + +"And you'll do what you're told?" + +He looked out into the hall to see if mother was near. Then, dear Dairy, +he turned to me and said: + +"I always have, Bab. I guess I'll run true to form." + + +JANUARY 23RD. Much better today. Out and around. Family (mother and +Sis) very dignified and nothing much to say. Evidently have promised +father to restrain themselves. Father rushed and not coming home to +dinner. + +Beresford on edge of proposing. Sis very jumpy. + + +LATER: Jane Raleigh is home for her cousin's wedding! Is coming over. We +shall take a walk, as I have much to tell her. + + +6 P. M. What an afternoon! How shall I write it? This is a Milestone in +my Life. + +I have met him at last. Nay, more. I have been in his dressing room, +conversing as though accustomed to such things all my life. I have +concealed under the mattress a real photograph of him, beneath which he +has written, "Yours always, Adrian Egleston." + +I am writing in bed, as the room is chilly--or I am--and by putting out +my hand I can touch his pictured likeness. + +Jane came around for me this afternoon, and mother consented to a walk. +I did not have a chance to take Sis's pink hat, as she keeps her door +locked now when not in her room. Which is ridiculous, because I am not +her type, and her things do not suit me very well anyhow. And I have +never borrowed anything but gloves and handkerchiefs, except Maddie's +dress and the hat. + +She had, however, not locked her bathroom, and finding a bunch of +violets in the washbowl I put them on. It does not hurt violets to wear +them, and anyhow I knew Carter Brooks had sent them and she ought to +wear only Beresford's flowers if she means to marry him. + +Jane at once remarked that I looked changed. + +"Naturally," I said, in a blase' manner. + +"If I didn't know you, Bab," she observed, "I would say that you are +rouged." + +I became very stiff and distant at that. For Jane, although my best +friend, had no right to be suspicious of me. + +"How do I look changed?" I demanded. + +"I don't know. You--Bab, I believe you are up to some mischief!" + +"Mischief?" + +"You don't need to pretend to me," she went on, looking into my very +soul. "I have eyes. You're not decked out this way for ME." + +I had meant to tell her nothing, but spying just then a man ahead who +walked like Adrian, I was startled. I clutched her arm and closed my +eyes. + +"Bab!" she said. + +The man turned, and I saw it was not he. I breathed again. But Jane was +watching me, and I spoke out of an overflowing heart. + +"For a moment I thought--Jane, I have met THE ONE at last." + +"Barbara!" she said, and stopped dead. "Is it any one I know?" + +"He is an actor." + +"Ye gods!" said Jane, in a tense voice. "What a tragedy!" + +"Tragedy indeed," I was compelled to admit. "Jane, my heart is breaking. +I am not allowed to see him. It is all off, forever." + +"Darling!" said Jane. "You are trembling all over. Hold on to me. Do +they disapprove?" + +"I am never to see him again. Never." + +The bitterness of it all overcame me. My eyes suffused with tears. + +But I told her, in broken accents, of my determination to stick to him, +no matter what. "I might never be Mrs. Adrian Egleston, but----" + +"Adrian Egleston!" she cried, in amazement. "Why Barbara, you lucky +thing!" + +So, finding her fuller of sympathy than usual, I violated my vow of +silence and told her all. + +And, to prove the truth of what I said, I showed her the sachet over my +heart containing his rose. + +"It's perfectly wonderful," Jane said, in an awed tone. "You beat +anything I've ever known for adventures! You are the type men like, +for one thing. But there is one thing I could not stand, in your +place--having to know that he is making love to the heroine every +evening and twice on Wednesdays and--Bab, this is Wednesday!" + +I glanced at my wrist watch. It was but two o'clock. Instantly, dear +Dairy, I became conscious of a dual going on within me, between love and +duty. Should I do as instructed and see him no more, thus crushing +my inclination under the iron heel of resolution? Or should I cast my +parents to the winds, and go? + +Which? + +At last I decided to leave it to Jane. I observed: "I'm forbidden to try +to see him. But I daresay, if you bought some theater tickets and did not +say what the play was, and we went and it happened to be his, it would +not be my fault, would it?" + +I cannot recall her reply, or much more, except that I waited in a +pharmacy, and Jane went out, and came back and took me by the arm. + +"We're going to the matinee, Bab," she said. "I'll not tell you which +one, because it's to be a surprise." She squeezed my arm. "First row," +she whispered. + +I shall draw a veil over my feelings. Jane bought some chocolates to +take along, but I could eat none. I was thirsty, but not hungry. And my +cold was pretty bad, to. + +So we went in, and the curtain went up. When Adrian saw me, in the front +row, he smiled although in the midst of a serious speech about the world +owing him a living. And Jane was terribly excited. + +"Isn't he the handsomest thing!" she said. "And oh, Bab, I can see that +he adores you. He is acting for you. All the rest of the people mean +nothing to him. He sees but you." + +Well, I had not told her that we had not yet met, and she said I could +do nothing less than send him a note. + +"You ought to tell him that you are true, in spite of everything," she +said. + +If I had not deceived Jane things would be better. But she was set on my +sending the note. So at last I wrote one on my visiting card, holding +it so she could not read it. Jane is my best friend and I am devoted to +her, but she has no scruples about reading what is not meant for her. I +said: + +"Dear Mr. Egleston: I think the play is perfectly wonderful. And you +are perfectly splendid in it. It is perfectly terrible that it is going +to stop. + +"(Signed) The girl of the rose." + + +I know that this seems bold. But I did not feel bold, dear Dairy. It was +such a letter as any one might read, and contained nothing compromising. +Still, I daresay I should not have written it. But "out of the fulness of +the heart the mouth speaketh." + +I was shaking so much that I could not give it to the usher. But Jane +did. However, I had sealed it up in an envelope. + +Now comes the real surprise, dear Dairy. For the usher came down and +said Mr. Egleston hoped I would go back and see him after the act was +over. I think a pallor must have come over me, and Jane said: + +"Bab! Do you dare?" + +I said yes, I dared, but that I would like a glass of water. I seemed to +be thirsty all the time. So she got it, and I recovered my savoir fair, +and stopped shaking. + +I suppose Jane expected to go along, but I refrained from asking her. +She then said: + +"Try to remember everything he says, Bab. I am just crazy about it." + +Ah, dear Dairy, how can I write how I felt when being led to him. The +entire scene is engraved on my soul. I, with my very heart in my eyes, +in spite of my efforts to seem cool and collected. He, in front of his +mirror, drawing in the lines of starvation around his mouth for the next +scene, while on his poor feet a valet put the raged shoes of Act II! + +He rose when I entered, and took me by the hand. + +"Well!" he said. "At last!" + +He did not seem to mind the valet, whom he treated like a chair or +table. And he held my hand and looked deep into my eyes. + +Ah, dear Dairy, Men may come and Men may go in my life, but never again +will I know such ecstasy as at that moment. + +"Sit down," he said. "Little Lady of the rose--but it's violets today, +isn't it? And so you like the play?" + +I was by that time somewhat calmer, but glad to sit down, owing to my +knees feeling queer. + +"I think it is magnificent," I said. + +"I wish there were more like you," he observed. "Just a moment, I have +to make a change here. No need to go out. There's a screen for that very +purpose." + +He went behind the screen, and the man handed him a raged shirt over the +top of it, while I sat in a chair and dreamed. What I reflected, would +the School say if it but knew! I felt no remorse. I was there, and +beyond the screen, changing into the garments of penury, was the only +member of the other sex I had ever felt I could truly care for. + +Dear Dairy, I am tired and my head aches. I cannot write it all. He was +perfectly respectful, and only his eyes showed his true feelings. +The woman who is the adventuress in the play came to the door, but he +motioned her away with a wave of the hand. And at last it was over, and +he was asking me to come again soon, and if I would care to have one of +his pictures. + +I am very sleepy tonight, but I cannot close this record of a +w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l d-a-y---- + + +JANUARY 24TH. Cold worse. + +Not hearing from Carter Brooks I telephoned him just now. He is sore +about Beresford and said he would not come to the house. So I have asked +him to meet me in the park, and said that there were only two more days, +this being Thursday. + + +LATER: I have seen Carter, and he has a fine plan. If only father will +do it. + +He says the theme is that the world owes Adrian a living, and that the +way to do is to put that strongly before the people. + +"Suppose," he said, "that this fellow would go to some big factory, and +demand work. Not ask for it. Demand it. He could pretend to be starving +and say: 'The world owes me a living, and I intend to have it.'" + +"But suppose they were sorry for him and gave it to him?" I observed. + +"Tut, child," he said. "That would have to be all fixed up first. It +ought to be arranged that he not only be refused, but what's more, that +he'll be thrown out. He'll have to cut up a lot, d'you see, so they'll +throw him out. And we'll have Reporters there, so the story can get +around. You get it, don't you? Your friend, in order to prove that the +idea of the play is right, goes out for a job, and proves that he cannot +demand labor and get it." He stopped and spoke with excitement: "Is he a +real sport? Would he stand being arrested? Because that would cinch it." + +But here I drew a line. I would not subject him to such humiliation. I +would not have him arrested. And at last Carter gave in. + +"But you get the idea," he said. "There'll be the deuce of a row, and +it's good for a half column on the first page of the evening papers. +Result, a jam that night at the performance, and a new lease of life +for the Play. Egleston comes on, bruised and battered, and perhaps +with a limp. The Labor Unions take up the matter--it's a knock out. I'd +charge a thousand dollars for that idea if I were selling it." + +"Bruised!" I exclaimed. "Really bruised or painted on?" + +He glared at me impatiently. + +"Now see here, Bab," he said. "I'm doing this for you. You've got +to play up. And if your young man won't stand a bang in the eye, for +instance, to earn his bread and butter, he's not worth saving." + +"Who are you going to get to--to throw him out?" I asked, in a faltering +tone. + +He stopped and stared at me. + +"I like that!" he said. "It's not my play that's failing, is it? Go and +tell him the scheme, and then let his manager work it out. And tell him +who I am, and that I have a lot of ideas, but this is the only one I'm +giving away." + +We had arrived at the house by that time and I invited him to come in. +But he only glanced bitterly at the windows and observed that they had +taken in the mat with 'Welcome' on it, as far as he was concerned. And +went away. + +Although we have never had a mat with 'Welcome' on it. + +Dear Diary, I wonder if father would do it? He is gentle and +kindhearted, and it would be painful to him. But to who else can I +turn in my extremity? + +I have but one hope. My father is like me. He can be coaxed and if +kindly treated will do anything. But if approached in the wrong way, or +asked to do something against his principals, he becomes a roaring lion. + +He would never be bully-ed into giving a man work, even so touching a +personality as Adrian's. + + +LATER: I meant to ask father tonight, but he has just heard of Beresford +and is in a terrible temper. He says Sis can't marry him, because he +is sure there are plenty of things he could be doing in England, if not +actually fighting. + +"He could probably run a bus, and release some one who can fight," he +shouted. "Or he could at least do an honest day's work with his hands. +Don't let me see him, that's all." + +"Do I understand that you forbid him the house?" Leila asked, in a cold +fury. + +"Just keep him out of my sight," father snapped. "I suppose I can't keep +him from swilling tea while I am away doing my part to help the Allies." + +"Oh, rot!" said Sis, in a scornful manner. "While you help your bank +account, you mean. I don't object to that, father, but for heaven's sake +don't put it on altruistic grounds." + +She went upstairs then and banged her door, and mother merely set her +lips and said nothing. But when Beresford called, later, Tanney had to +tell him the family was out. + +Were it not for our affections, and the necessity for getting married, so +there would be an increase in the population, how happy we could all be! + + +LATER: I have seen father. + +It was a painful evening, with Sis shut away in her room, and father +cutting the ends off cigars in a viscious manner. Mother was NON EST, and +had I not had my memories, it would have been a sickning time. + +I sat very still and waited until father softened, which he usually does, +like ice cream, all at once and all over. I sat perfectly still in a +large chair, and except for an occasional sneeze, was quiet. + +Only once did my parent address me in an hour, when he said: + +"What the devil's making you sneeze so?" + +"My nose, I think, sir," I said meekly. + +"Humph!" he said. "It's rather a small nose to be making such a racket." + +I was cut to the heart, Dear Diary. One of my dearest dreams has always +been a delicate nose, slightly arched and long enough to be truly +aristocratic. Not really acqualine but on the verge. I HATE my little +nose--hate it--hate it--HATE IT. + +"Father" I said, rising and on the point of tears. "How can you! To +taunt me with what is not my own fault, but partly hereditary and partly +carelessness. For if you had pinched it in infancy it would have been a +good nose, and not a pug. And----" + +"Good gracious!" he exclaimed. "Why, Bab, I never meant to insult your +nose. As a matter of fact, it's a good nose. It's exactly the sort of +nose you ought to have. Why, what in the world would YOU do with a Roman +nose?" + +I have not been feeling very well, dear Diary, and so I suddenly began to +weep. + +"Why, chicken!" said my father. And made me sit down on his knee. "Don't +tell me that my bit of sunshine is behind a cloud!" + +"Behind a nose," I said, feebly. + +So he said he liked my nose, even although somewhat swollen, and he kissed +it, and told me I was a little fool, and at last I saw he was about +ready to be tackled. So I observed: + +"Father, will you do me a favor?" + +"Sure," he said. "How much do you need? Business is pretty good now, +and I've about landed the new order for shells for the English War +Department. I--suppose we make it fifty! Although, we'd better keep it a +secret between the two of us." + +I drew myself up, although tempted. But what was fifty dollars to doing +something for Adrian? A mere bagatelle. + +"Father," I said, "do you know Miss Everett, my English teacher?" + +He remembered the name. + +"Would you be willing to do her a great favor?" I demanded intensely. + +"What sort of a favor?" + +"Her cousin has written a play. She is very fond of her cousin, and +anxious to have him succeed. And it is a lovely play." + +He held me off and stared at me. + +"So THAT is what you were doing in that box alone!" he exclaimed. "You +incomprehensible child! Why didn't you tell your mother?" + +"Mother does not always understand," I said, in a low voice. "I thought, +by buying a box, I would do my part to help Miss Everett's cousin's play +succeed. And as a result I was dragged home, and shamefully treated in the +most mortifying manner. But I am accustomed to brutality." + +"Oh, come now," he said. "I wouldn't go as far as that, chicken. Well, I +won't finance the play, but short of that I'll do what I can." + +However he was not so agreeable when I told him Carter Brooks' plan. He +delivered a firm no. + +"Although," he said, "somebody ought to do it, and show the fallacy of +the play. In the first place, the world doesn't owe the fellow a +living, unless he will hustle around and make it. In the second place +an employer has a right to turn away a man he doesn't want. No one can +force a business to employ Labor." + +"Well," I said, "as long as Labor talks and makes a lot of noise, and +Capitol is too dignified to say anything, most people are going to side +with Labor." + +He gazed at me. + +"Right!" he said. "You've put your finger on it, in true feminine +fashion." + +"Then why won't you throw out this man when he comes to you for work? He +intends to force you to employ him." + +"Oh, he does, does he?" said father, in a fierce voice. "Well, let him +come. I can stand up for my principals, too. I'll throw him out, all +right." + +Dear Diary, the battle is over and I have won. I am very happy. How true +it is that strategy will do more than violence! + +We have arranged it all. Adrian is to go to the mill, dressed like a +decayed gentleman, and father will refuse to give him work. I have said +nothing about violence, leaving that to arrange itself. + +I must see Adrian and his manager. Carter has promised to tell some +reporters that there may be a story at the mill on Saturday morning. I +am to excited to sleep. + +Feel horrid. Forbidden to go out this morning. + + +JANUARY 25TH. Beresford was here to lunch and he and mother and Sis had +a long talk. He says he has kept it a secret because he did not want his +business known. But he is here to place a shell order for the English War +Department. + +"Well," Leila said, "I can hardly wait to tell father and see him curl +up." + +"No, no," said Beresford, hastily. "Really you must allow me. I must +inform him myself. I am sure you can see why. This is a thing for men to +settle. Besides, it is a delicate matter. Mr. Archibald is trying to get +the order, and our New York office, if I am willing, is ready to place +it with him." + +"Well!" said Leila, in a thunderstruck tone. "If you British don't beat +anything for keeping your own Counsel!" + +I could see that he had her hand under the table. It was sickening. + +Jane came to see me after lunch. The wedding was that night, and I had +to sit through silver vegetable dishes, and after-dinner coffee sets and +plates and a grand piano and a set of gold vases and a cabushion sapphire +and the bridesmaid's clothes and the wedding supper and heaven knows +what. But at last she said: + +"You dear thing--how weary and wan you look!" + +I closed my eyes. + +"But you don't intend to give him up, do you?" + +"Look at me!" I said, in imperious tones. "Do I look like one who would +give him up, because of family objections?" + +"How brave you are!" she observed. "Bab, I am green with envy. When I +think of the way he looked at you, and the tones of his voice when he +made love to that--that creature, I am positively SHAKEN." + +We sat in somber silence. Then she said: + +"I daresay he detests the heroine, doesn't he?" + +"He tolerates her," I said, with a shrug. + +More silence. I rang for Hannah to bring some ice water. We were in my +boudoir. + +"I saw him yesterday," said Jane, when Hannah had gone. + +"Jane!" + +"In the park. He was with the woman that plays the Adventuress. Ugly old +thing." + +I drew a long breath of relief. For I knew that the adventuress was at +least thirty and perhaps more. Besides being both wicked and cruel, and +not at all feminine. + +Hannah brought the ice-water and then came in the most maddening way and +put her hand on my forehead. + +"I've done nothing but bring you ice-water for two days," she said. "Your +head's hot. I think you need a mustard foot bath and to go to bed." + +"Hannah," Jane said, in her loftiest fashion, "Miss Barbara is worried, +not ill. And please close the door when you go out." + +Which was her way of telling Hannah to go. Hannah glared at her. + +"If you take my advice, Miss Jane," she said. "You'll keep away from +Miss Barbara." + +And she went out, slamming the door. + +"Well!" gasped Jane. "Such impertinence. Old servant or not, she ought +to have her mouth slapped." + +Well, I told Jane the plan and she was perfectly crazy about it. I had +a headache, but she helped me into my street things, and got Sis's rose +hat for me while Sis was at the telephone. Then we went out. + +First we telephoned Carter Brooks, and he said tomorrow morning would +do, and he'd give a couple of reporters the word to hang around father's +office at the mill. He said to have Adrian there at ten o'clock. + +"Are you sure your father will do it?" he asked. "We don't want a +fliver, you know." + +"He's making a principal of it," I said. "When he makes a principal of a +thing, he does it." + +"Good for father!" Carter said. "Tell him not to be to gentle. And tell +your actor-friend to make a lot of fuss. The more the better. I'll see +the policeman at the mill, and he'll probably take him up. But we'll get +him out for the matinee. And watch the evening papers." + +It was then that a terrible thought struck me. What if Adrian considered +it beneath his profession to advertize, even if indirectly? What if he +preferred the failure of Miss Everett's cousin's play to a bruise on the +eye? What, in short, if he refused? + +Dear Dairy, I was stupified. I knew not which way to turn. For men are +not like women, who are dependable and anxious to get along, and will +sacrifice anything for success. No, men are likely to turn on the ones +they love best, if the smallest things do not suit them, such as cold +soup, or sleeves too long from the shirt-maker, or plans made which they +have not been consulted about beforehand. + +"Darling!" said Jane, as I turned away, "you look STRICKEN!" + +"My head aches," I said, with a weary gesture toward my forehead. It did +ache, for that matter. It is aching now, dear Dairy. + +However, I had begun my task and must go through with it. Abandoning +Jane at a corner, in spite of her calling me cruel and even sneaking, I +went to Adrian's hotel, which I had learned of during my seance in +his room while he was changing his garments behind a screen, as it was +marked on a dressing case. + +It was then five o'clock. + +How nervous I felt as I sent up my name to his chamber. Oh, Dear Diary, +to think that it was but five hours ago that I sat and waited, while +people who guessed not the inner trepidation of my heart past and +repast, and glanced at me and at Leila's pink hat above. + +At last he came. My heart beat thunderously, as he approached, striding +along in that familiar walk, swinging his strong and tender arms. And I! +I beheld him coming and could think of not a word to say. + +"Well!" he said, pausing in front of me. "I knew I was going to be lucky +today. Friday is my best day." + +"I was born on Friday," I said. I could think of nothing else. + +"Didn't I say it was my lucky day? But you mustn't sit here. What do you +say to a cup of tea in the restaurant?" + +How grown up and like a debutante I felt, Dear Diary, going to have +tea as if I had it every day at school, with a handsome actor across! +Although somewhat uneasy also, owing to the possibility of the family +coming in. But it did not and I had a truly happy hour, not at all +spoiled by looking out the window and seeing Jane going by, with her +eyes popping out, and walking very slowly so I would invite her to come +in. + +WHICH I DID NOT. + +Dear Diary, HE WILL DO IT. At first he did not understand, and looked +astounded. But when I told him of Carter being in the advertizing +business, and father owning a large mill, and that there would be +reporters and so on, he became thoughtful. + +"It's really incredibly clever," he said. "And if it's pulled off right +it ought to be a stampede. But I'd like to see Mr. Brooks. We can't have +it fail, you know." He leaned over the table. "It's straight goods, is +it, Miss er--Barbara? There's nothing phoney about it?" + +"Phoney!" I said, drawing back. "Certainly not." + +He kept on leaning over the table. + +"I wonder," he said, "what makes you so interested in the play?" + +Oh, Diary, Diary! + +And just then I looked up, and the adventuress was staring in the door +at me with the meanest look on her face. + +I draw a veil over the remainder of our happy hour. Suffice it to say +that he considers me exactly the type he finds most attractive, and that +he does not consider my nose too short. We had a long dispute about this. +He thinks I am wrong and says I am not an aquiline type. He says I am +romantic and of a loving disposition. Also somewhat reckless, and he +gave me good advice about doing what my family consider for my good, at +least until I come out. + +But our talk was all too short, for a fat man with three rings on came +in, and sat down with us, and ordered a whiskey and soda. My blood +turned cold, for fear some one I knew would come in and see me sitting +there in a drinking party. + +And my blood was right to turn cold. For, just as he had told the +manager about the arrangement I had made, and the manager said "Bully" +and raised his glass to drink to me I looked across and there was +mother's aunt, old Susan Paget, sitting near, with the most awful face +I ever saw! + +I collapsed in my chair. + +Dear Diary, I only remember saying, "Well, remember, ten o'clock. And +dress up like a gentleman in hard luck," and his saying: "Well, I hope +I'm a gentleman, and the hard luck's no joke," and then I went away. + +And now, Dear Diary, I am in bed, and every time the telephone rings +I have a chill. And in between times I drink ice-water and sneeze. How +terrible a thing is love. + + +LATER: I can hardly write. Switzerland is a settled thing. Father is not +home tonight and I cannot appeal to him. Susan Paget said I was drinking +too, and mother is having the vibrator used on her spine. If I felt +better I would run away. + + +JANUARY 26TH. How can I write what has happened? It is so terrible. + +Beresford went at ten o'clock to ask for Leila, and did not send in his +card for fear father would refuse to see him. And father thought, from +his saying that he had come to ask for something, and so on, that it +was Adrian, and threw him out. He ordered him out first, and Beresford +refused to go, and they had words, and then there was a fight. The +reporters got it, and it is in all the papers. Hannah has just brought +one in. It is headed "Manufacturer assaults Peer." Leila is in bed, and +the doctor is with her. + + +LATER: Adrian has disappeared. The manager has just called up, and with +shaking knees I went to the telephone. Adrian went to the mill a little +after ten, and has not been seen since. + +It is in vain I protest that he has not eloped with me. It is almost +time now for the matinee and no Adrian. What shall I do? + + +SATURDAY, 11 P.M. Dear Diary, I have the measles. I am all broken out, +and look horrible. But what is a sickness of the body compared to the +agony of my mind? Oh, Dear Diary, to think of what has happened since +last I saw your stainless pages! + +What is a sickness to a broken heart? And to a heart broken while trying +to help another who did not deserve to be helped. But if he deceived me, +he has paid for it, and did until he was rescued at ten o'clock tonight. + +I have been given a sleeping medicine, and until it takes affect I shall +write out the tragedy of this day, omitting nothing. The trained nurse +is asleep on a cot, and her cap is hanging on the foot of the bed. + +I have tried it on, Dear Diary, and it is very becoming. If they insist +on Switzerland I think I shall run away and be a trained nurse. It is +easy work, although sleeping on a cot is not always comfortable. But +at least a trained nurse leads her own life and is not bullied by her +family. And more, she does good constantly. + +I feel tonight that I should like to do good, and help the sick, and +perhaps go to the front. I know a lot of college men in the American +Ambulance. + +I shall never go on the stage, Dear Diary. I know now its deceitfulness +and vicissitudes. My heart has bled until it can bleed no more, as a +result of a theatrical Adonis. I am through with the theater forever. + +I shall begin at the beginning. I left off where Adrian had disappeared. + +Although feeling very strange, and looking a queer red color in my +mirror, I rose and dressed myself. I felt that something had slipped, and +I must find Adrian. (It is strange with what coldness I write that once +beloved name.) + +While dressing I perceived that my chest and arms were covered +with small red dots, but I had no time to think of myself. I slipped +downstairs and outside the drawing room I heard mother conversing in a +loud and angry tone with a visitor. I glanced in, and ye gods! + +It was the adventuress. + +Drawing somewhat back, I listened. Oh, Diary, what a revelation! + +"But I MUST see her," she was saying. "Time is flying. In a half hour +the performance begins, and--he cannot be found." + +"I can't understand," mother said, in a stiff manner. "What can my +daughter Barbara know about him?" + +The adventuress sniffed. "Humph!" she said. "She knows, alright. And +I'd like to see her in a hurry, if she is in the house." + +"Certainly she is in the house," said mother. + +"ARE YOU SURE OF THAT? Because I have every reason to believe she has +run away with him. She has been hanging around him all week, and only +yesterday afternoon I found them together. She had some sort of a scheme, +he said afterwards, and he wrinkled a coat under his mattress last +night. He said it was to look as if he had slept in it. I know nothing +further of your daughter's scheme. But I know he went out to meet her. He +has not been seen since. His manager has hunted for to hours." + +"Just a moment," said mother, in a frigid tone. "Am I to understand +that this--this Mr. Egleston is----" + +"He is my Husband." + +Ah, Dear Diary, that I might then and there have passed away. But I did +not. I stood there, with my heart crushed, until I felt strong enough to +escape. Then I fled, like a guilty soul. It was ghastly. + +On the doorstep I met Jane. She gazed at me strangely when she saw my +face, and then clutched me by the arm. + +"Bab!" she cried. "What on the earth is the matter with your +complexion?" + +But I was desperate. + +"Let me go!" I said. "Only lend me two dollars for a taxi and let me go. +Something horrible has happened." + +She gave me ninety cents, which was all she had, and I rushed down the +street, followed by her piercing gaze. + +Although realizing that my life, at least the part of it pertaining to +sentiment, was over, I knew that, single or married, I must find him. +I could not bare to think that I, in my desire to help, had ruined +Miss Everett's cousin's play. Luckily I got a taxi at the corner, and +I ordered it to drive to the mill. I sank back, bathed in hot +perspiration, and on consulting my bracelet watch found I had but twenty +five minutes until the curtain went up. + +I must find him, but where and how! I confess for a moment that I +doubted my own father, who can be very fierce on occasion. What if, +maddened by his mistake about Beresford, he had, on being approached by +Adrian, been driven to violence? What if, in my endeavor to help one who +was unworthy, I had led my poor paternal parent into crime? + +Hell is paved with good intentions. SAMUEL JOHNSTON. + + +On driving madly into the mill yard, I suddenly remembered that it was +Saturday and a half holiday. The mill was going, but the offices were +closed. Father, then, was immured in the safety of his club, and could +not be reached except by pay telephone. And the taxi was now ninety +cents. + +I got out, and paid the man. I felt very dizzy and queer, and was very +thirsty, so I went to the hydrant in the yard and got a drink of water. +I did not as yet suspect measles, but laid it all to my agony of mind. + +Having thus refreshed myself, I looked about, and saw the yard +policeman, a new one who did not know me, as I am away at school most of +the time, and the family is not expected to visit the mill, because of +dirt and possible accidents. + +I approached him, however, and he stood still and stared at me. + +"Officer" I said, in my most dignified tones. "I am looking for a--for a +gentleman who came here this morning to look for work." + +"There was about two hundred lined up here this morning, Miss," he said. +"Which one would it be, now?" + +How my heart sank! + +"About what time would he be coming?" he said. "Things have been kind of +mixed-up around here today, owing to a little trouble this morning. But +perhaps I'll remember him." + +But, although Adrian is of an unusual type, I felt that I could not +describe him, besides having a terrible headache. So I asked if he would +lend me carfare, which he did with a strange look. + +"You're not feeling sick, Miss, are you?" he said. But I could not stay +to converse, as it was then time for the curtain to go up, and still no +Adrian. + +I had but one refuge in mind, Carter Brooks, and to him I fled on the +wings of misery in the street car. I burst into his advertizing office +like a fury. + +"Where is he?" I demanded. "Where have you and your plotting hidden +him?" + +"Who? Beresford?" he asked in a placid manner. "He is at his hotel, I +believe, putting beefsteak on a bad eye. Believe me, Bab----" + +"Beresford!" I cried, in scorn and wretchedness. "What is he to me? Or +his eye either? I refer to Mr. Egleston. It is time for the curtain +to go up now, and unless he has by this time returned, there can be no +performance." + +"Look here," Carter said suddenly, "you look awfully queer, Bab. Your +face----" + +I stamped my foot. + +"What does my face matter?" I demanded. "I no longer care for him, but I +have ruined Miss Everett's cousin's play unless he turns up. Am I to be +sent to Switzerland with that on my soul?" + +"Switzerland!" he said slowly. "Why, Bab, they're not going to do that, +are they? I--I don't want you so far away." + +Dear Dairy, I am unsuspicious by nature, believing all mankind to be my +friends until proven otherwise. But there was a gloating look in Carter +Brooks' eyes as they turned on me. + +"Carter!" I said, "you know where he is and you will not tell me. You +WISH to ruin him." + +I was about to put my hand on his arm, but he drew away. + +"Look here," he said. "I'll tell you something, but please keep back. +Because you look like smallpox to me. I was at the mill this morning. +I do not know anything about your actor-friend. He's probably only +been run over or something. But I saw Beresford going in, and I--well, I +suggested that he'd better walk in on your father or he wouldn't get in. +It worked, Bab. HOW IT DID WORK! He went in and said he had come to ask +your father for something, and your father blew up by saying that he knew +about it, but that the world only owed a living to the man who would +hustle for it, and that he would not be forced to take any one he did +not want. + +"And in two minutes Beresford hit him, and got a response. It was a +million dollars worth." + +So he babbled on. But what were his words to me? + +Dear Diary, I gave no thought to the smallpox he had mentioned, although +fatal to the complexion. Or to the fight at the mill. I heard only +Adrian's possible tragic fate. Suddenly I collapsed, and asked for a +drink of water, feeling horrible, very wobbly and unable to keep my +knees from bending. + +And the next thing I remember is father taking me home, and Adrian's +fate still a deep mystery, and remaining such, while I had a warm sponge +to bring out the rest of the rash, followed by a sleep--it being measles +and not smallpox. + +Oh, Dear Diary, what a story I learned when having wakened and feeling +better, my father came tonight and talked to me from the doorway, not +being allowed in. + +Adrian had gone to the mill, and father, having thrown Beresford out +and asserted his principals, had not thrown him out, BUT HAD GIVEN HIM +A JOB IN THE MILL. And the Policeman had given him no chance to escape, +which he attempted. He was dragged to the shell plant and there locked +in, because of spies. The plant is under military guard. + +And there he had been compelled to drag a wheelbarrow back and forth +containing charcoal for a small furnace, for hours! + +Even when Carter found him he could not be released, as father was in +hiding from reporters, and would not go to the telephone or see callers. + +He labored until 10 p.m., while the theater remained dark, and people +got their money back. + +I have ruined him. I have also ruined Miss Everett's cousin. + +* * * * * + +The nurse is still asleep. I think I will enter a hospital. My career is +ended, my life is blasted. + +I reach under the mattress and draw out the picture of him who today +I have ruined, compelling him to do manual labor for hours, although +unaccustomed to it. He is a great actor, and I believe has a future. But +my love for him is dead. Dear Diary, he deceived me, and that is one +thing I cannot forgive. + +So now I sit here among my pillows, while the nurse sleeps, and I +reflect about many things. But one speech rings in my ears over and +over. + +Carter Brooks, on learning about Switzerland, said it in a strange +manner, looking at me with inscrutable eyes. + +"Switzerland! Why, Bab--I don't want you to go so far away." + +WHAT DID HE MEAN BY IT? + +* * * * * + +Dear Dairy, you will have to be burned, I daresay. Perhaps it is as well. +I have p o r e d out my H-e-a-r-t---- + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 366 *** |