diff options
Diffstat (limited to '36537-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 36537-8.txt | 1779 |
1 files changed, 1779 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/36537-8.txt b/36537-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e2906a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/36537-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1779 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93., +October 1, 1887, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93., October 1, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: June 27, 2011 [EBook #36537] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 93. +October 1, 1887. + + + THE WAIL OF MESSRS. BURT AND FENWICK. + + THE Northumberland Miners' U-ni-on + Have bidden their BURT bego-o-one. + It seems, by the ballot, we soon shall be all out, + And there'll be an end to our fun. + + [Illustration] + + _Chorus._--We've got no work to do-o-o-o! + We have no work to do-o-o! + We are poor Members, poor Working-Men Members, + Who've got no work to do! + + Oh, Morpeth and Wansbeck, o-o-oh! + This same is a pretty go-o-o! + The feelings why hurt of your FENWICK and BURT? + We wouldn't have served _you_ so! + _Chorus._--We've got no work, &c. + + The Working-Men's Members of la-a-ate + Were getting a power in the Sta-a-ate, + But now they're rejected, or coldly ejected, + Which same is a sorrowful fate. + _Chorus._--We've got no work, &c. + + JOE ARCH he had to go-o-o-o, + Then LEICESTER, the other JO-O-OE! + And now we two'll have to forfeit our "screw," + Which is jolly hard lines, you know. + _Chorus._--We've got no work, &c. + + It's hardly fair play to gi-i-ive, + To a Labour-Representati-i-ve, + For without your cash, O Miners most rash, + How, how shall we manage to live? + _Chorus._--We've got no work, &c. + + It is no doubt exceedingly tru-u-ue; + We've found little work to do-o-o, + In the House. For that same 'tis not _we_ who're to blame, + But the long Irish hullaballo. + _Chorus._--We've got no work, &c. + + We know these are very hard ti-i-imes, + To scrape up the dollars and di-i-imes; + But when _we_, dear Miners, are robbed of the shiners, + We're punished for other folks' crimes. + _Chorus._--We've got no work, &c. + + Of course if you give us the sa-a-ack, + Our Gladstone bags we must pa-a-ack, + But perhaps for this hurry some day you'll be sorry, + And wish BURT and FENWICK both back. + + _Chorus._--We've got no work to do-o-o-o! + We're ballotted out of our scre-e-ew; + Poor Working Men's Members, this worst of Septembers, + In sorrow we sigh and boho-o-o! + + + THE 'EAT OF DISCUSSION. + (_A Fancy founded on Facts._) + +HE left the court with his colleagues at twenty minutes to one o'clock. +He said nothing, but listened intently while the question of the Inquest +was canvassed. Was it to be a verdict of Manslaughter or Murder, or only +Accidental Death? He listened so intently that he was quite surprised +when the clock struck two. + +Yes two o'clock--time for his lunch! + +He rose from his seat, and went to the door. He spoke to one on the +other side, he talked of cuts from the joints, and chops and steaks. + +He was answered with laughter! + +Then he returned to his chair, rather put out at this ill-timed +pleasantry, and listened once more to the arguments of his colleagues. +They had got beyond the verdict now, and were discussing the "riders." +The first, elaborately blaming the Magistrates, had been framed and +passed, and the second dealing with the bye-laws of the Town Council was +under consideration. Before it was finally settled the clock struck +three! + +Yes, three! and since twenty-minutes to one he had been locked in +lunchless! He went to the door and beat it with his fists! + +"Might he have a cut off the joint?" + +"No!" + +Again he was silent, and again his colleagues continued their +discussion. They spoke in lower tones now, because they too were feeling +the want of food. Four struck, and then five. + +He staggered once more to the door, and in piteous tones made a last +request, + +Might he have a sandwich? + +No!!!!! + +It was too much! He ground his teeth in rage! Five hours had elapsed, +and then the last and eighth rider, suggesting that after its final +completion a theatre should be thrown open for public inspection for a +week before a licence was granted, was passed. The work of the Jury was +over. + +It was indeed a painful scene. The eleven men who had taken part in the +discussion were entirely exhausted. Some were slumbering from weakness, +others were wearily "talking on their fingers." Hunger had made these +last absolutely dumb. Reams of papers were scattered about covered with +writing. Here and there was a quill-pen partly consumed. Even the +blotting-pads testified to the presence of hungry men--some of the +leaves showed the traces of a stealthy nibble. In the heat of argument +hours before, a juryman, anxious to impress an opinion upon a sceptic +colleague, had offered to "eat his hat." He now gazed at the head-gear +with greedy eyes, as if anxious to carry out his proposition. + +The Foreman, in a whisper, asked if anyone had any further suggestions +to make. + +Then the rage of the starving one gave him fictitious strength. He stood +up, and shrieked out, "I express my opinion that the non-supply of +refreshments to the Jury for several hours is a blot on the legal system +of the country!" + +In a moment the Foreman and his colleagues sprang to their feet, and, +making a supreme effort, shouted out, "Agreed! agreed! agreed!" + +And what further did these poor famished men, these heroes of the long, +foodless day, these martyrs to a cruel system--a wretched system--these +victims to an abuse that should be swept away like chaff before the +wind--ay, what farther did they do after their trumpet-tongued cry of +indignant denunciation? + +Why (it is to be sincerely hoped) that they went home and had their +dinner! + + + THE BICYCLISTS OF ENGLAND. + + "Mr. STURMEY, in the preface to the new edition of his + _Handbook of Bicycling_, sketches the progress of this + enormously popular amusement since the appearance of his last + edition, rather more than five years ago."--_Daily Paper._ + + [Illustration] + + YE Bicyclists of England + Who stride your wheels with ease, + How little do you think upon + What Mr. STURMEY sees. + The wheelmen's standard rises high + With every year that goes. + Wheels sweep, fast and cheap, + Whereof STURMEY'S trumpet blows-- + Our cycles range more swift and strong, + And STURMEY'S trumpet blows. + + The Cycles of our fathers + Were "bone-shakers," and few, + But the cinder-path's broad field of fame + Shows what their sons can do. + When WYNDHAM rose, and STANTON fell, + The pace was cramped and slow; + Their creep to our sweep + Rouses STURMEY'S scorn, you know-- + Our Cycles now run fleet and strong, + And STURMEY'S trumpets blow. + + Britannia needs no bulwark-- + Tariffs her trade to keep, + Her "wheels" are found on every path; + Coventry's not asleep. + Our WOODS and HOWELLS wheel like fun, + JACK KEEN can make 'em go. + Foes we floor from each shore, + Whereof STURMEY'S trumpets blow-- + Our Cyclists lick the world by long, + And STURMEY'S trumpets blow. + + The "Meteor" wheels of England + Shall yet terrific turn; + 'Tis true that France gave us a start-- + Now she has much to learn. + To you, our brave wheel-warriors, + Our song and glass shall flow; + To the fame of your name + Mr. STURMEY'S trumpets blow-- + Cycles or Cyclists, _ours_ are best, + So why should we _not_ blow? + + * * * * * + + HEAVY LIGHTNING.--Lord GRIMTHORPE, _à propos_ of Lightning + Conductors, with his customary courtesy, writes to the _Times_ + of his opponent's (also a Correspondent to the leading journal) + desire "to display his own smartness," and speaks of that + opponent's opinions as "mere nonsense, due to his ignorance." + He concludes, "If he wants the last word, he is welcome to it." + Lord GRIMTHORPE'S last word (if really the last) is preferable. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: AMERICAN CHINA. + THE WILLOW PATTERN PLATE OF THE FUTURE] + + "The Mandarin had an only daughter, named LI-CHI, who fell in + love with CHANG, a young man who lived in the island-home + represented at the top of the pattern, and who had been her + father's secretary. The father overheard them one day making + vows of love under the orange-tree, and sternly forbade the + unequal match; but the lovers contrived to elope, lay concealed + for awhile in the gardener's cottage, and thence made their + escape in a boat to the island-home of the young lover. The + enraged Mandarin pursued them with a whip, and would have + beaten them to death, had not the gods rewarded their fidelity + by changing them both into turtle-doves. The picture is called + the Willow-Pattern, not only because it is a tale of disastrous + love, but because the elopement occurred 'when the willow + begins to shed its leaves.'"--_Legend of the Willow-Pattern._ + +SCENE--_that of the tradition. Season, willow-fall. Hour, sundown._ + +_Li-Chi_ (_sings_)-- + + The poor soul sat sighing by a rum-looking tree, + Sing, once a green willow; + But now all its leaves smell of base £ _s._ _d._; + Sing willow, willow, willow! + + The old stream runs by her, not with the old tones, + Sing willow, willow, willow! + But, churned by coarse paddles, it plashes and groans; + Sing willow, willow, willow! + +_Chang._ Ah, yellow and irradiant sunflower of my soul's secret shrine, +sing not thus dolefully, I entreat thee. What avails the permission to +escape awhile our old ornithological metamorphosis, and revisit once +again the glimpses of the Mandarin's country seat, the pavilion, the +peach and the orange-tree, the elegant wooden fence, the bridge, the +boat, and, above all, the willow, only to sing songs whose +spirit-cleaving cadences sting thy CHANG more than ever did the angry +Mandarin's whip-lash? + +_Li-Chi (mournfully)._ What, indeed? But O, sublimated saffron-bag of +my spirit's idolatry, who can help weeping at sight of _this_? + +_Chang (reading)._ "National and International Amalgamated Bank!" O, +mighty but much-too-free-with-the-whip-hand-of-parental-authority +Mandarin of the Middle Kingdom, what would you have thought of this +transformation? + +_Li-Chi._ Papa was impetuous. Our--our elopement angered him. But +Telegraph-poles, Telephone Exchanges, River Steamers, Banks and Blazing +Posters!!--Alas!!! + +_Chang (hotly)._ By the isolated button of Celestial supereminence, it +is too bad! What _can_ LI HUNG CHANG, that dragon-claw of the throne, +that amber-souled prop of imperial perpendicularity be about, I wonder? + +_Li-Chi (meditatively)._ We--e--ell,--perhaps he knows, after all. + +_Chang._ What meaneth the tintinnabulant tea-blossom of my trivial and +ephemeral personality? + +_Li-Chi (archly)._ The "Heathen Chinee," as the wanton Western scribe +insolently calls him, is indeed "peculiar," as perchance even Count +EUGENE STANISLOW KOSTKA DE MITKIEWICZ and Mr. JAY-GOULD, HOOD, MACKAY +the multi-millionnaire, and BARKER Brothers the Bankers, New York +Syndicates and Philadelphian Silver Rings, may yet discover as clearly +and completely as did _Bill Nye_ and _Truthful James_ of the ribald +ballad. + +_Chang (admiringly)._ Verily even the orbicular contractility of +dexter-optical semi-closure becometh those almond eyes, oh! +flesh-enshrined opium-ecstasy of my most transcendental inwardness. + +_Li-Chi (smartly)._ I should think it did, indeed! A wink is as good as +a nod to a blind lover. "Melican Man" is very 'cute and enterprising; +but whether he'll find it quite so easy as he fancies to "run" the +Celestial Kingdom, or "exploit" the Flowery Land, remains as the +never-sufficiently-to-be-commended-and-left-carefully-unread +KUNG-FOO-TZE would say, "to be duskily adumbrated in the spirit-speculum +of the yet To-be." + +_Chang._ Quite so. Still, O million-berried mulberry-tree of my mean and +inconsiderable soul-garden, to have our own secular love-legend and its +many-centuried Scene thus sordidly transmogrified, cannot, O, shining +one of my spirit's crepuscular gloom. O, beneficent betel-nut of my +supersensual Palate"-- + +_Li-Chi._ Well, CHANG, after all, novelty hath its charm--after a cycle +or two, you know. Marquis TSENG talks about "the awakening of China." As +if there was ever a Celestial who, for all his childlikeness and +blandness, was not very wide-awake indeed! Why, LI-CHI, if ever _we_ had +our time over again, _do_ you think that transmutation into a pair of +turtle-doves,--bird-beatitudes, my CHANG, are _so_ limited!--would form +the acme of our mutual aspirations? + +_Chang._ Well, per--haps not, LI-CHI. + + Better fifty years of Europe + Than a Cycle of Cathay,-- + +--as turtle-doves, you know. Still, that chuckling and cavorting +American fowl, that two-headed and vulturine Russo-Polish Eagle, do not +quite fit into the Mongolian Arcadia of the Willow-pattern plate; now do +they? We have fallen, lily of my life, upon sordid, and subversive, and +sceptical times, when millions of taels move our Mandarins to Modernism, +when Silver Rings and Syndicates, can set up a Party of Progress in the +Realm of the Immutable, and when doubts have been thrown by shallow +scribes upon the existence of the Great Wall of China itself! + +_Li-Chi (shuddering)._ Dreadful, dear! Let's turn back into turtle-doves +at once, and coo ourselves into truly Celestial obliviousness of this +colossal Yankee _coup_, which threatens--perchance prematurely--to fix +for all time _this_ preposterously Western and barbaric picture as the +Willow Pattern of the Future! [_They do so._ + + * * * * * + + + [Illustration: SAGACITY.] + +_Countryman._ "FI' POUNDS TOO MUCH FOR HIM? HE'S A WON'ERFUL GOOD +SPORTIN' DAUG, SIR! WHY HE COME TO A DEAD PINT IN THE STREET, SIR, CLOSE +AG'IN A OL' GEN'LEMAN, THE OTHER DAY--'FUST O' SEPTEMBER IT WAS, +SIR!--AN' THE GEN'LEMAN TOLD ME ARTERWARDS AS HIS NAME WERE +'PARTRIDGE'!" + +_Customer._ "YOU DON'T SAY SO!" [_Bargain struck!_ + + * * * * * + + + "PAYING THEIR SHOT." + +A PARTY of excursionists from the Tyne thought it a pleasant way of +spending a Bank-holiday to go wantonly shooting swarms of sea-birds on +the Farne Islands. When remonstrated with by the more humane man in +charge, they considered it still greater "sport" to threaten to push an +oar down his throat, and make a target of him. These sportive souls +indeed managed amongst them to "hit his felt hat and graze his left +thumb" with shot. But when 239 of them were summoned under the Wild +Birds Act, and had to pay fines and expenses to the tune of some £70, +they probably modified their notion of the nature and claim of "Sport," +and found that "paying the shot" in that sense was the least pleasant +part of shooting. Some of them were probably left without "a shot in the +locker." A few more such wholesome lessons, and the "Cad with a Gun," +the "Brute with a Double-Barrel," may no longer be found depopulating +Nature's feathered preserves and disgracing the name of honest Sport. + + * * * * * + + + SALUBRITIES ABROAD. + +AT last I have seen him!--the travelling Englishman, the English Milord +of the French Farce--"Oah, c'est moa!" of the _Journal Comique_. + + * * * * * + +But if the farce Milord is grotesque, the English "Mees" is equally +ridiculous. I met, the other day, a lady of Albion, who was strutting +about with an enormous "handled" _pince-nez_ raised to her eyes, while +she expressed her opinion "that those foreigners really _do_ dress _so_ +absurdly!" + + * * * * * + +_Diary of a Day._--At all these Stations Thermales the pleasantest hours +of the day are sacrificed to the interests of the band, the casinos, the +cercle, and the evening amusements. _Les Baigneurs sérieux_ ought not to +require any amusement after 9·30, and by ten they should be in bed. +Their hours for walking and other exercise should be very early in the +morning, or late in the evening before dinner. The remainder of the day +should be given up to baths, to drinking waters, _déjeuner à la +fourchette_, and rest. + + [Illustration: "L'Anglais pour rire."] + + [Illustration: Mees "O'Shocking!"] + + * * * * * + +By the way, at the top of the daily menu at the Continental Hotel the +_déjeuner à la fourchette_ at 11 A.M. is styled "LUNCH." PULLER resents +this as strongly as he does a waiter's answering him, "Yees, Sare," when +he has given an order in his best French. Now this meal at 11 A.M. is +not an English lunch, but is the French _déjeuner à la fourchette_. Is +it becoming the common practice in hotels on the Continent? If so, the +English will soon remember that they don't come abroad for lunch--they +can "lunch" well enough at home--but they do come abroad for _déjeuner à +la fourchette_, and, if they do not get it, they will stay away. + +"It's confoundedly insulting!" exclaims PULLER, indignantly. "Do they +think we don't know what a _déjeuner à la fourchette_ means? But, dash +it, you know," he goes on, in the tone of a man whom a very little more +of this sort of treatment would disgust with life generally, "they're +making everybody abroad so English." Then he repeats, "So English, you +know," in imitation of some American burlesque actor, and this has the +effect of restoring his good humour. He thinks the quotation so apt and +so humorous, that he expands in chuckles, and goes out of the +_salle-à-manger_ doing a step, and repeating, "So English, you know!" +The French, Spanish, and the visitors of various nationalities, shake +their heads, shrug their shoulders, and evidently hope he is harmless. +The waiters smile, and this reassures the guests. + + * * * * * + +The special merit of the Royat Drinking Waters and Baths consists in the +large amount of iron contained in them. Over the gates of the Park at +Royat, where the _Etablissement_ and _Buvettes_ are situated, should be +inscribed, for the benefit of English visitors, "Washing and Ironing +done here." + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: The Cravate au Moulin.] + +_The Uncertain Bather._--My acquaintance MORDEL is another variety of +the genus _baigneur_. He is dissatisfied only with himself. He is +perpetually having a row with himself. The Hotel is good enough, he +says; the Doctor is all that can be desired. The baths and waters are +managed very well; but the question is, he says to himself, "Was I right +in coming here at all? Ought I not to have gone to Aix? or to Vichy? or +to Homburg? or to Mont Dore, or to La Bourboule?" "Well, but"--I say to +him, with a view to reconciling him to himself--"are the waters doing +you good?" He reluctantly admits that they are not doing him any +harm--as yet. In this state of uncertainty he remains during the whole +course of treatment, and, to the last, he is of opinion that he ought to +have gone to some other place, no matter where. + + * * * * * + +It is a real pleasure to see SMITH, of the Colosseum Club, meet BROWN, +also a member of the same sociable institution. He greets BROWN +heartily,--never was so glad to see anybody. Yet they are anything but +inseparables in London; and it certainly was not owing to SMITH'S good +offices that BROWN was elected to the Colosseum. BROWN has just arrived +at Royat, and is not so effusive at the sight of SMITH, as SMITH, who +has been here ten days, is on beholding BROWN. "THOMPSON'S here, so's +JONES," SMITH tells BROWN, beamingly. "Are they?" returns BROWN, who +recognises the names as those of eminent Colosseum men. "And now," +exclaims SMITH, heartily, "in the evening we can have a rubber!" This +was why SMITH was so overjoyed at meeting BROWN; not because he was an +old friend, not even because he was a member of the same social set, but +because _he would make a fourth_! "You'll want a rubber," adds SMITH, +cajolingly. "If he does," interposes PULLER, in excellent spirits this +morning, "he'll have to go to Aix-les-Bains. They don't do the _massage_ +here. Aix is the place for Rubbers." The joke falls among us like a +bombshell, and the group disperses, each wondering how long PULLER is +going to remain at Royat. His movements may govern our own! + + * * * * * + +Uneventful! General BOULANGER has called here to-day. No, not on me, but +on a noble English poet, who is staying at the Continental. From the +portrait in the _Salon_ I should have expected a fine fellow of six feet +high, rather Saxon and swaggery. Had he resembled his portrait I should +not have believed in him. Now I do. There is hope for BOULANGER. He is a +short man. NAPOLEON was a short man. "_Il grandira!_" + + * * * * * + +_Encore des Pensées._--"There is a time to talk, and a time to be +silent." The first occasion is, when I have something to say, and an +audience to say it to; the other is, when I don't feel well, and hate +everybody equally. PULLER, when high-spirited, cannot understand this. +Undergoing these Royat Waters, PULLER and myself are on a see-saw. When +he is up, I am down, and _vice versâ_. After trying to breakfast +together, and to be mutually accommodating, which is done in the most +disagreeable manner possible, we separate, on account of incompatibility +of temper. Temporarily our relations are strained. This only applies to +the morning. I want to be quiet in the morning, and detest early +liveliness. JANE and myself, in future, breakfast together at our own +time, and at our own table, in a corner. (And this is also within the +first seven days of the _traitement_.) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The dear Old Things who won't have a Door or Window open +in our small Salle-à-manger.] + +By the way, what a chance of _réclame_ I lost on the occasion of +BOULANGER'S visit. It never occurred to me till too late. I ought to +have been at the front door, awaiting his departure. At the moment of +his leaving, I should have left too. Then the report could have been +spread about that I had "gone out with" General BOULANGER. How +astonished M. FERRY would have been. "Quite a Fairy tale for him," says +PULLER, who wishes to exhibit his acquaintance with the proper French +pronunciation of M. FERRY'S name. + + * * * * * + +_The Twenty-Second Morning._--I shall give myself three days' leave of +absence, and revisit La Bourboule and Le Mont Dore. These two places are +higher up in the mountains of Auvergne. + + * * * * * + +_La Bourboule Revisited._--Very beautiful the line of country between +Royat and La Bourboule. But the latter is an out-of-the-way place as +compared with Royat, which has the great advantage of being within a +quarter of an hour's ride, or walk, of such a real good town as +Clermont-Ferrand, whereas La Bourboule and Mont Dore are an +hour-and-a-half's drive each of them from their own station, Laqueuille, +which is nothing more than a mere country railway station, with a simple +buffet, and four hours from Clermont-Ferrand, which I suppose is the +market town, and certainly the only place of any importance to which one +can go, "there and back again," in a long day. + +Of course the descendants of BALBUS, who "_murum ædificavit" in_ our +old Latin Grammar--(Are BALBUS and CAIUS still at it in the Grammars of +the present day?)--could not leave La Bourboule alone, and villas have +been springing up in every direction. Shops, too. Already one side of a +Boulevard has been commenced, represented by half-a-dozen superior +shops, one of which, it is needless to say, is a sweet-stuff emporium, +and another a Tabac. Then they've a Hotel de Ville at La Bourboule. In +our time there was only a solitary Gendarme, in full cocked-hat and +sword, who, as an official, was a failure, but, as a playmate of the +children, and a friend of the bonnes, was a decided success. He looked +well, and inspired the stranger on his arrival. But the feeling of awe +soon wore off. Perhaps he, also, was a _baigneur_. Invalid Gendarmes +might be usefully employed in this manner, their imposing appearance at +various watering-places would inspire confidence, while they might be +benefiting their physique. Policemen could be also effectively used in +this way. "Recruiting Sergents-de-ville" they might be called, engaged +in recruiting their own health. + + * * * * * + +A storm of rain and wind swept us out of La Bourboule--we subsequently +heard that there was snow at Mont Dore--and drove us post-haste back to +Royat warmth--comparative warmth, that is, for they were having two or +three cold, rainy, and gusty days at Royat, too, preceding the day fixed +for the Eclipse. But such weather is bearable at Royat, if you have once +experienced it at La Bourboule. The valley of Royat is fairly high up, +and well sheltered; but as to the situation of La Bourboule and Mont +Dore, one may say, reversing the quotation, "And in the highest heights +a higher still!" "Only not, by any means still," says PULLER, who knows +the country, and whom no inducement will lead away from Royat. + + * * * * * + +I have mapped out a short tour by way of return from Royat, which is at +the disposition of anyone who is preparing to make himself a _baigneur_ +and a _titulaire_ next season. + + * * * * * + +My _itinéraire_ is this: London to Paris, taking care to travel by the +_Empress_ from Dover to Calais. Inquire beforehand at the L. C. and D. +Station. Victoria. Go by the A.M. Dine in Paris at 8·30. In a +forthcoming little work I contemplate benefiting the travelling public +generally with a few useful details, of which these are only hints. +Paris next morning, to Clermont-Ferrand, for Royat. At Royat, I should +naturally recommend the Hotel I know best. This is the Continental. It +may change hands next year; if it changes hands, it changes heads at the +same time, and my advice may or may not be useful. + + * * * * * + +Stay at Royat for cure; visit--as excursions easily done in a day, when +you're in fettle--La Bourboule and Mont Dore. For all information, ask +the most civil of men, and the most obliging, the agent, who has an +office in a line with the few shops situated on the upper terrace of the +Parc. He will tell you everything--and be delighted to do it. + + * * * * * + +By the way, when once you've settled your tour, take my advice, and +visit Messrs. COOK, of Ludgate Circus. Provide yourself with all your +tickets beforehand. It will save you a heap of trouble afterwards. Too +many Cooks can't spoil your journey, as you will take them on the "play +or pay" system, and it binds you to nothing, except, in case of not +using them, a slight discount; whereas, on the other hand, it helps the +person who is at all "infirm of purpose" to make up his mind, and keeps +him to his original plan, which any experienced traveller will agree +with me in saying, is, nine times out of ten, the wisest and best course +to pursue. Of this more anon in my forthcoming _parvum opus_ on this and +cognate subjects. + + * * * * * + +Royat (if you are a _baigneur_, recommended here by your Doctor) is an +easy place to get to, and to get away from. My friend SKURRIE, who, +immediately he has arrived at any place, passes all his time there in +consulting guide-books, maps, _Bradshaws_, COOK'S tourist books, and +local _indicateurs_, with a view to see how he can best get away, comes +to me with a paper full of closely-written details, and says, "Here's my +plan:--Royat, Lyon (why do we put an 's' on to it, and make it 'Lyons?' +it would be as sensible for the French to call Liverpool 'Liverpools,' +or Manchester 'Manchesters.' And why can't the French call London +'London,' instead of 'Londres?')--then Aix-les-Bains (for a _massage_, +and an excursion or two) ... then Geneva. This is, if you've got time to +spare. If not, in a week you can make a really refreshing tour by +pushing on from Lyon to Geneva, to Bâle, to Heidelberg, to Mainz, down +the Rhine to Cologne, then Antwerp, Flushing, Queenborough. This will +complete your week, and you will return to England with a store of +variety to last you a year." + + * * * * * + +VALUABLE MEM. FOR A CERTAIN ARCHITECT IN HIS NEXT BUILDING +OPERATION.--"To construct a much-more-_Exiter_ Theatre than the one +recently destroyed by fire." + + * * * * * + + + OUR ADVERTISERS. + + THEATRICAL AND RE-ASSURING. + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--The sole Lessee and Manager begs to +inform his patrons, the public, that he has left no stone unturned to +render it by a long way. + + * * * * * + +THE SAFEST THEATRE IN THE TWO HEMISPHERES. The mere perusal of the +advertisements appearing in the daily press, furnishing the intending +audience with a complete handbook of escape in the event of any sudden +catastrophe, must, he feels, afford them. + + * * * * * + +REAL PLEASURE, which, owing to the precautionary measures he has taken +for their protection, they may genuinely experience when securing their +places for a performance in the unique fireproof auditorium. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE EXITS.--A hop, skip and a jump will take +any member of the audience from any part of the house directly into the +street outside in five seconds. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE has all its doors taken off their hinges +the moment the performance commences. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE possesses concrete Stalls. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE, has its private boxes constructed with +perforated shower-bath ceilings that drench the occupants without +ceasing the entire evening. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--An "Apprehensive Playgoer" +writes:--"We were in one continual downpour from the rising of the +Curtain to its fall; and though we are all still suffering from +rheumatism, our party was enabled, with the aid of umbrellas and +waterproofs, to enjoy the evening's entertainment with a sense of +security that was as novel as it was refreshing." + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--The Management provides everyone +paying at the doors with a Fire-Escape, that can be left outside, and a +Life Assurance Policy, available for the duration of the evening's +entertainment. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE has, in every gangway, a steam +fire-engine served by a fully-equipped complement of members of the +London Fire Brigade, who inspire the audience with confidence by, from +time to time, playing on portions of them with a five-inch hose. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--People recommended a cold _douche_ by +their medical adviser, cannot do better than secure a front seat in the +upper boxes. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE is provided with cast-iron scenery, and +has, as its Stage Manager, a retired Fire-King. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE is surrounded by a network of balconies, +affording access, by iron staircases, to the roofs of all the adjacent +houses in the neighbourhood. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE has in effect no walls, and is +practically all "Exit." + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE can be virtually emptied before a +checktaker could say "Jack Robinson!" + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--A "NERVOUS FIRST-NIGHTER" writes: +"Being seized the other evening in the middle of the front row of the +stalls with a purely private and personal, but uncontrollable panic, I +rushed from my place, and made with all the haste I could command for +the street. Though, in my hurry I found it necessary to have a couple of +vigorous fights of several rounds each with two box-keepers in +succession, which resulted in my being eventually removed from the +house, struggling with three policemen, six refreshment-stall-keepers, +and nine firemen, it only took me twenty-seven minutes and a half from +the time I started from my place inside till I found myself deposited in +the midst of a jeering crowd on the steps of the principal entrance." + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE will set up chronic lumbago in the Dress +Circle. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE is the dampest Public Lounge in Europe. + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE may be visited freely by +pleasure-seekers, in whom, as Members of Burial Clubs, their families +take a lively interest. + + * * * * * + +REAL PLEASURE, to be experienced nightly by those who pay a visit to + + * * * * * + +THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE, affording the only recognised +Incombustible Entertainment on record. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: SEA-SIDE WEATHER STUDIES. STORMY. + THREE PIC-NIC PARTIES SUDDENLY INTERRUPTED BY THE RAIN.] + + * * * * * + + + WANTED, A THESEUS; + + _Or, The Betting Centaurs of the Race-Course and the Cinder-Path._ + + HALF-man, half-horse! A fitting blend indeed + To type the monster of a modern breed, + The mongrel thing, half Houyhnhnm to the view, + But fouler than the Swiftian Yahoo, + Who makes the race-course rascaldom's resort, + And shames the manliest scenes of British Sport. + + Sport? The Cad-Centaur hath as little sense + Of the fine joy to which he makes pretence, + The English glorying in a fair-fought fight, + A well-run race, a show of speed or sleight, + As of the love that males of British breed + Moves in the presence of a gallant steed. + No Sportsman's fervour his; he never thrills + To the contagious sentiment that fills + The solid Saxon when, with thundering stride, + _Ormonde_ and _Minting_ struggle side by side; + When Cam and Isis prow to prow contend; + When GEORGE and CUMMING strain from end to end + Of the long cinder-path in panting speed; + When wheelmen swift alternate lag and lead; + When white-plumed yachts spread emulative wings + To the salt wind that through the cordage sings; + When Notts and Surrey fight for pride of place, + Or the ring cheers the "many-centuried" GRACE. + Bound by his betting-book, the cynic churl-- + With coarse-gemmed hands and greasy frontal curl, + When fortune smiles, or frowsy when she frowns + As wolfish waifs that haunt the slums of towns-- + Is brute all through and ever; blatant, base, + "Rough" in his speech, and rascal in his face; + A radiant rowdy now when some base stroke + Of juggling skill has flushed him; now "stone-broke," + Black-hearted, beetle-browed, true gaolbird type, + Reeling and reeking, ever ruffian-ripe + For any coward act of ruthless greed + That craft may scheme, or violence may speed. + + Curse of the race-course and the cinder-path! + Roughdom no dirtier, darker danger hath,-- + Roughdom, that gulf of guilt with peril rife, + That lurks beneath our glittering civic life, + Like fires beneath the smiling southern wave, + Which, given volcanic vent, make earth a grave + And sea a sepulchre. Top bold it grows + In the neglect of its appointed foes, + The modern Fenris-wolf whose ravening maw + Needs muzzling with the Gleipner-chain of Law. + EURYTUS at the banquet gorged with glee; + "Most savage of the savage Centaurs," he, + As OVID sings. PIRITHOUS, lulled to trust, + Forgot the secret strength the lurking lust, + Until wine-freed and fury-fired they broke, + From sleek civility's too slender yoke; + Then tables overset, and feast disturbed, + Destructiveness unleashed, and wrath uncurbed, + "The appearance of a captured city," lent + To the late scene of concord and content; + Then disappointed craft and thwarted greed, + Broke law's frail barriers like a trampled reed, + And the tumultuous storm of wild desire, + Found vent in rioting force and ravening fire. + + Is there no moral in the classic tale? + Let vigilance but sleep and vigour fail, + Authority of prescience be bereft, + And, like HIPPODAMIA, Law is left + To battling, fierce brute forces, prone to blood, + Civilisation's coarser Centaur-brood. + Of old the heroes conquered. At the stroke + Of angered THESEUS' club of knotted oak, + The Centaurs feared and fled toward the sea, + Pursued by the triumphant Lapithæ, + Law's Lapithæ lay prone in our late fray. + Do we not need a THESEUS then to-day? + + * * * * * + + + NOT A "DEUS EX MACHINÂ." + +SOME philosophers are very anxious to demonstrate that man is a mere +Automaton. A man, however, can at any rate be regulated, and, at need, +"run in," which it seems that the Automatic Cigarette and Sweetmeat +Machines now so much in vogue cannot. Naughty little boys are convicted +of beguiling them of Butter Scotch by means of discs of card and base +metal, instead of coins of the realm. On the other hand the Automata are +charged with absorbing the coppers of honest would-be purchasers without +rendering up the proper portion of Toffee or Tobacco. Machines which are +at once dishonest themselves and the cause of dishonesty in others can +hardly be looked upon as an improvement upon living vendors, who if they +have little conscience to appeal to, have at least persons to be +punished. + + + [Illustration: WANTED, A THESEUS; + OR, THE BETTING CENTAUR.] + + * * * * * + + + HYGIENIC. + +No; that sickly-looking child that you notice entering the Board School +is not, as you imagine, "pining for the fresh air of the country." He is +recovering from an acute attack of scarlet fever, and is described by +his fond parent as "peeling wonderful." + +"Why does the medical man who attends the case,"--you ask--"not give +instant notice to the Local Sanitary Authority, the Parish Doctor, the +School Board Officials, and the nearest Fever Hospital?" Because +self-preservation (or preserving a case for oneself) is the first law of +nature, and also because in London neither the registration nor the +isolation of infectious disease is considered at all essential. + +Of course it is to be regretted that some of the fever patients who were +taken the other day first to the West London Hospital in Hammersmith, +then to the London Fever Hospital, and afterwards to Stockwell, and who +finally--as those institutions were quite full--spent the night in a +draughty corridor of the Homerton work-house, should have collapsed +owing to exhaustion; but then what an admirable thing it is that there +should be so many places for the reception--or rejection--of patients, +and that they should be scattered all over the Metropolis! + +It is really rather irritating that the laundress, whose services we +have had to dispense with owing to five of her children being down with +typhus, should call us "selfish" and "finicking," and threaten to summon +us to the Police Court for interfering with her business. + +Yes, a trip by steamer on the Thames can be confidently recommended to +delicate persons in search of health. Wrap the whole face in +cotton-wool, which has previously been soaked in some powerful +disinfectant. Get the man at the wheel to sprinkle your clothing every +ten minutes with the anti-cholera mixture. When passing "Barking +Outfall," be particularly careful to go below, and keep your head +completely buried in a basin containing a mixture of smelling salts in +solution and Eau de Cologne. Beyond a sore throat for a week or two, you +will probably--thanks to these precautions--experience no evil results. + + * * * * * + + + SUBJECT FOR A GRAND HISTORICAL CARTOON. + + [Illustration: THE SULTAN IMPLORING MR. PUNCH NOT "TO TAKE HIM OFF." + (_See Daily papers._)] + + * * * * * + + + ALL IN PLAY. + + MY DEAR MR. PUNCH, + + [Illustration] + +I THINK, however pleased you may look in your stall while listening to +the charming music of Mr. CELLIER in _The Sultan of Mocha_, you will +agree with me that that gifted gentleman has been most unfortunate in +the selection of his _librettos_. _Dorothy_ was certainly feeble, but +the revived opera at the Strand is feebler still. I admit that the work +is well staged, equally as to scenery, dresses, and _mise-en-scène_, but +the plot and the dialogue are unworthy of serious criticism. When the +curtain rose upon a capital "set" of the Thames near Greenwich Hospital, +when there were a lively chorus and a pretty dance, I imagined I was +"in" for what other occupants of the stalls would have called "a real +good thing." But the characters had only to talk to cause a sense of +depression to envelope me, that nearly moved me to tears. Ponderous +allusions to such recent "topics" as Lord CHARLES BERESFORD'S signal +from the Royal Yacht at the Naval Review, the ENDACOTT matter and +Turkish impecuniosity now and again attracted my attention, and I felt +that I would give worlds to slumber as does the hero in the Third Act +who appropriately sings himself to sleep. But Mr. CELLIER'S music made a +success of _Dorothy_, and it is not impossible that "the movement may be +continued" in the _Sultan of Mocha_. Of those who take part in the +performance I may single out Mr. CHARLES DANBY as fairly amusing. I do +not remember to have seen him before, and it is to be trusted that the +applause of a London audience will not cause him to favour a policy of +exaggeration. So far he is good--not too good (as Mr. BROUGH was wont to +amusingly observe), but just good enough. The voice of Miss VIOLET +CAMERON is as strong as ever, but at times I traced a _tremolo_ that +might wisely be abandoned. Mr. C. H. KENNEY has good intentions, and no +doubt some day will be seen and heard to greater advantage. I was not +surprised to learn from the playbill that as the _Sultan_ Mr. ERNEST +BIRCH was making "his first appearance." Of the remainder of the cast, +Mr. BRACY sang well and acted fairly as "a heart of oak," and the +sailors, villagers, and slaves were sufficiently comely to satisfy the +requirements of a Strand audience met together to enjoy an _opéra +bouffe_. + +A new _lever de rideau_ added to the programme of the Globe has called +attention to the merry moments of _The Doctor_. From the first this +piece went wonderfully well--now it goes better than ever. The house is +nightly full of patients, who seem willingly to give themselves over to +what I may call "the laughter cure and joke treatment." + +_Dandy Dick_ has moved from the Court to King William Street, Strand. +Mr. CLAYTON, capital as the Dean, and Mrs. JOHN WOOD inimitable, +exquisite, everything-superlative as the lady horse-owner. Mr. BISHOP +now plays Mr. ARTHUR CECIL'S part in a manner that reduces our regret at +the absence of his predecessor to a minimum. + +A wonderful piece called _Racing_, by the "Great MACDERMOTT," is being +performed at Islington. It is composed of a mixture of Comedy and +Tragedy. Both ingredients are equally funny. + +Removing my _gibus_, and laying down my programmes and opera-glasses, I +again sign myself + ONE WHO HAS GONE TO PIECES. + + * * * * * + + + GARDEN TALK. + +_As arranged for the neighbourhood of the Round Pond under existing +circumstances._ + + CAN this be Kensington Gardens, or is it Tophet? This perfume + is scarcely suggestive of flowers. + How nicely this little girl is burying the dead cat. + What a game at hide and seek those boys in white sailor suits + are having in that reeking garbage. + It is strange, but the morning breeze is laden with _Bacteria_. + Why, that is the fifth dust-cart that has emptied its contents + here this afternoon. + How merrily the dustmen are spreading the refuse over the + surface of the grass. + The haggard Park-keeper seems to be growing paler and paler + every day. + I wonder why that entire family of children have broken out + into green spots. + Who would have thought that the baby that had been brought + here for a little fresh air would have turned blue in the + perambulator! + Who is really responsible for the conversion of an open + pleasure-ground into a deadly centre for the dissemination of + fever? + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: A PRETTY KETTLE OF FISH. + +"The King of the BELGIANS is understood to be acting as his own +Ambassador in the matter of the North Sea Fishery disputes. His visit to +this country is stated to have for its object the prevention of future +conflicts between British and Belgian fishermen in the North +Sea."--_Times._] + + * * * * * + + _Mr. Punch._ Ah happy to see you, _mon Chef_! Here's a mess! + You'll soon put it all straight, Sir; you couldn't do less. + Your people you'll find are entirely to blame + For the kettle o'erboiling, the steam and the flame. + What is there in fish that in every quarter + So leads--in non-natural sense--to hot water? + And why should a Billingsgate dame, or a trawler, + Or Belgian or British, so oft be a brawler? + A Saint once held forth, Sir, the fishes to teach. + What a sermon to us, Sir, the fishes might preach! + The sea's lavish harvest was certainly sent + Man's palate to please, and his hunger content; + Not, _not_, my dear _Chef_, as mere strife-stirring spoil + His kitchen to slop, and his cooks to embroil. + _Verb. sap._--you are sapient, I know, like your Sire-- + And--you'll take this strange "kettle of fish" off the fire! + + * * * * * + +"MIGHTY POLITE."--Last week Mr. HARRINGTON, Barrister-at-Law (in +Ireland), was called to account by Mr. EATON, and threatened with +removal from the Court over which that Magistrate presided, for conduct +unworthy of a Counsel. Had "the learned gentleman" had the advantage of +the influence of another Eton earlier in his career, his manners would +doubtless have been less deficient in polish. + + * * * * * + +A PLANK OF THE WRONG PLATFORM.--The Plank-bed. + + * * * * * + +(NOT AT ALL) BAD HOMBURG. + +TRAVEL NOTES, FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_Thursday._--Homburg emptying and re-filling; but former process +decidedly winning race. Change in class of company moreover striking. +Natural order of things here reversed. The butterfly disappears and the +grub succeeds. Now have come to us young men and maidens from the +country. Elderly burgesses, wives and families from Frankfort, Coblentz +and more distant Cologne. Prices specially designed for English falling +away. Principal hotels humbly proffer pension at ten marks a day, and +proprietors are accused of rapacity by their fellow-countrymen. + +At _table d'hôte_ last night at Hotel Russie, overheard one of those +"things one would rather not have said," feigned by the fancy of English +Artist of world-wide renown. Gentleman of distinguished appearance opens +conversation with lady on his left: + +_He._ "Homburg still seems very full." + +_She._ "Yes, but they're a horrid lot now arriving compared with those +who have just left; doncha think so?" + +_He._ "Really, Madam, I cannot say, as I reached here only this +afternoon." Pause in conversation. + +_Friday._--There are compensations for everything. Weather has not +permanently recovered earthquake-breaking-up on day of our arrival. +Still sun occasionally comes out, making it worth while to be on foot at +seven o'clock in the night, when the sky is an unclouded arc of blue, +and the sun sparkles on dewy grass. Pleasant then at noon, or afternoon, +to stroll about under the lindens in the Park, still full of leaves, or +to lounge in Tennis grounds watching the play. Oftener it is cold and +rainy, and here's where philosophic mind finds its recompense. Homburg +perhaps most open-windowed town north of Alps. On sunny days not a +window in any house closed. Every home has its piano, more or less in +tune. Every piano has its relays of players. Pianist at No. 14A, Untere +Promenade, cannot help hearing pianiste next door, and plays loud to +hold the field. Next door hears practitioner on other side, and plays +louder still; so it goes on all up and down the street. Here and there +the uproar is pierced by the shrill voice of a singer. It is the same in +the next street, and in the street after, till all Homburg becomes a +Pandemonium of piano-pounding. Now I sit in my room, with windows +closed, listening with gratitude to the pelting rain and the soughing of +the wind through the dripping trees. All other windows are necessarily +closed, and above wind and rain is audible undertone of universal +piano-playing, like the sound of a barrel-organ in far-off back-street. +Perhaps not quite worth while coming all the way to Homburg for; but I +like to make best of things. + +_Monday._--His Serene and Blind Highness still here, dutifully taking +waters, and pluckily striding forth to complete regulation-turns. No one +would guess at his affliction, except upon close observation. A +photographic portrait of him on view in one of the Studios here, in +which he looks forth open-eyed as keenest-sighted of his subjects; a +kindly, genial, brave-hearted gentleman. All unconscious, he is made the +occasion for a little satire on Royalty which would have delighted +THACKERAY. To him ladies, entering into passing conversation, curtsey; +gentlemen doff their hats; and _Jeames de la Pluche_ stands bare-headed +as he hands him glass of water from spring. It is horrible to think that +JEAMES might, with impunity--there being no on-lookers--shake his fist +playfully in his Royal Master's face. Hope he never takes base advantage +of his opportunities. But there is a look in JEAMES'S eye, as he hands +the glass of water, which melikes not. + +_Tuesday._--Between one and two in afternoon of revolving days, great +centre of life in Homburg is Madame BRAHE'S little shop in +Louisen-strasse; little only on first glance: contains unsuspected +recesses in rear, whither surplus population flows. A model place for +light luncheon such as Dr. DEETZ ordains: also for English visitors +convenient exchange and mart for latest gossip and display of newest +dresses. Whilst season in full tide, Madame BRAHE'S painfully +reminiscent of Bourse at Paris. Evil communications have wrought +proverbial effect; Germans feared throughout Europe by reason of their +conversational shouting; but English ladies, and some gentlemen, met for +luncheon _chez_ Madame BRAHE, might give them odds and beat them. Three +or four girls, decently spoken at home one hopes, seated at small table +here, carry on conversation at top of voice; many small tables, and as +many friendly parties; one group not to be shouted down by a neighbour. +British ladies never acknowledge defeat; competition kept up all round, +till, dazed and deafened, the stray traveller gulps down luncheon and +rushes into street. + +[Illustration: A STRAIGHT TIP. + +"A--A--BOY! HAVE YOU SEEN ANY BIRDS ABOUT HERE THIS MORNING?" + +"EES, ZUR! I SEED A LOT OF 'EM ABOUT 'ARF AN HOUR BACK, A SITTIN' ON THE +TELEGRAPH WOIRES!"] + +_Wednesday._--Homburg really not Bad at all, but best part of it lies +outside. To the north are delightful walks through illimitable beech +woods and pathless pine forests. Messrs. BLANC, who created the place, +knew very well ruling passion of gamester. The green tables, the sound +of the roulette ball, the pattern on the cards, and the +brilliantly-lighted Casino, only ostensibly attractions for him. What +his heart desires is opportunity for communing with Nature. The solemn +silence of the beech wood, the fragrance of the pines, the modest beauty +of the wild flowers that gem the edges of the wood, are what he really +hankers for. So Messrs. BLANC took surrounding country in hand; planted +splendid pine woods with delightful footpaths, with benches wooing the +pensive and wearied traveller. + +Walked to-day by devious shady ways to Friedrichsdorf, a few miles out; +a quaint old-world village of charmingly-tiled houses, straggling down a +villanously paved street. Only one street in Friedrichsdorf, but more in +it than meets the eye. Houses have way of playing hide-and-seek; you +look up passage that seems entry to back of premises, when, lo! there +lurks a complete house, with tiny casement-windows, and +graciously-sloped red-tiled roof. JESSIE COLLINGS ought to know +Friedrichsdorf, and Right Hon. RITCHIE would find in it encouragement +for Amended Allotments Bill. It is, like many other villages hereabout, +home of colony of small land-proprietors. All the rich and smiling +country that lies around is theirs. Passed them working in the fields, +men and women, comfortably dressed, sturdy, and apparently happy as day +is long. Every man has at least his three acres, many more; the cow is +also there, but is chiefly in shaft of cart or plough. As we picked way +down awesome street, Friedrichsdorf, save for few children and old men, +seemed deserted village; all able-bodied inhabitants at work in field. +By-and-by, when sun goes down, they come trooping home, tramping down +stony street, a jocund throng. + +_Thursday._--Rain departed; for days in succession Homburg been at its +best; almost seems like early spring, save that we still have roses; sun +shining in cloudless sky, trees still rich in foliage; grass thick and +green, with here and there abundant crocuses. Still emptying process +going on with increasing rapidity. "Lawn tennis," writes anonymous +author of _Miss Bayle's Romance_, "has become the outdoor dissipation at +Homburg, and Dutch Top the indoor one." Only stray couples are left to +frequent the courts on the tennis-ground, and the rattle of the Dutch +Top is happily silenced. Still the band plays thrice a day. Springs go +on like The Brook, and the few who are left begin to think that, after +all, Homburg more enjoyable without the crowd than with it. + + * * * * * + +SOME NOTES AT STARMOUTH. + +[Illustration: Chill-sea.] + +MY Nautical Drama is not making much progress. Must go more amongst men +and things. That is the only way to gain ideas. World full of _dramatis +personæ_, who will provide their own dialogue, if you can only find them +a good part. Interview old sailor; capital character--the very man to be +"discovered drinking," (which must have frequently occurred to him) as +curtain rises. Talk to him half-an-hour, but without hearing a single +really telling line. Half-a-crown wasted! Pleasure-boat just "putting +off,"--which is naturally a dilatory operation--Skipper says they are +only waiting for me. I hesitate; does Art demand this sacrifice? +Hitherto my voyages have been chiefly confined to journeyings in a penny +steamer from Chelsea to Lambeth. But can I reasonably expect to become +familiar with marine matters without some actual experience? If M. ZOLA +could go and live for weeks down a coal-mine, surely I may trust myself +in a pleasure-boat for one short half-hour? It is only sixpence. + +I subdue my diffidence, and embark--that is, I fall over the stern, and +stumble to the only vacant seat--a thwart in the middle. Should have +_preferred_ a place nearer the gunwale.... We are off; boat pretty full, +twenty-four passengers, to crew of two boatmen and a cornet-player. +People enjoying what they call "a blow on the jetty," wave handkerchiefs +to us as we pass. Curious, this blind impulse to wave greetings to +perfect strangers--does it spring from vague enthusiasm for humanity? +Chatty old gentleman next to me _will_ talk: he tells me confidentially +that it is a singular thing, but it does so happen that he has never +been on the sea without an accident of some sort occurring,--never! +There is no superstitious nonsense about him, it seems, so he thought he +would "chance it" once more. Very creditable--but more considerate if he +would chance it in a canoe. The Cornet-player quite a cockney Arion +(though nobody thinks, somehow, of pitching him overboard). He performs +appropriate airs during trip. _A Life on the Ocean Wave_, as we start; +_Only a Pansy Blossom_, (though I don't see the precise connection of +this) as we tack; and the _Harbour Lights_, when we turn. Somehow, this +rather vulgarises the Ocean--for me. Sea fortunately smooth: nobody at +all unwell. I feel nothing--except perhaps a growing conviction that a +very young infant opposite should not be permitted to eat a jam-puff in +public. Boatmen use no nautical expressions. Passengers lively at first, +though, by time we turn, the expression on our features, like that of +young lady who wore the wreath of roses, seems "more thoughtful than +before." We are close in now--the musician is sending round his hat. +Resent this privately, it is _not_ seamanlike! In beaching, yacht swings +round with her broadside to breakers, causing sudden wave to drench the +Jonah gentleman and myself before we can disembark. He seems rather +gratified than otherwise by so apposite an illustration of his ill-luck. +The brown-eyed girl on sands watches me alight--on all fours, dripping. +Sea-trip a mistake, I feel damped rather than fired. + +_On the Beach again._--Cheap photographers, galvanic machines, +chiropodist, tea-stalls, grim old ladies eating shrimps, as if they were +cherries, out of paper bags. Open-air music-hall, where comic songs are +shouted from platform by dreary men in flaxen wigs to harmonium--this +always crowded. Enjoyment at Starmouth hearty perhaps--but hardly +refined. Constantly haunted by song from open-air platform about "The +Gurls," with refrain describing how "they squeeze, And they tease. And +they soy, 'Oh, what joy!'" (or perhaps it should be--"sigh, 'Oh, what +jy!'") Either way, it has hit the popular taste here. I may be +prudish--but, even if a couple _are_ engaged, it seems to me that a +nicer sense of propriety would deter them from dozing in a sand-pit, +_coram publico_, with their arms around one another's neck. Nobody +thinks anything of this at Starmouth, however. + +[Illustration: Lamb-bath.] + +What a matter of circumstance are our prejudices! I should once have +thought that nothing would induce me to drive about on a +_char-à-banc_--like one of the band in a circus procession. Yet I have +just returned from a drive in one--and enjoyed it! + +She--my brown-eyed divinity of the Phrenology lecture--was on one of the +seats, which redeemed a drive otherwise prosaic. We went to ruined +castle; scenery unpicturesque (she showed, I thought, delicate +perception of this by reading _Family Herald_ all the way). Starmouth +children ran by side of carriage, turning head-over-heels, and gasping +comic songs for coppers. Had last glimpse of them standing gratefully in +a row on their heads. + +We did not alight to see castle, as coachman said there was nothing to +see. On way home, conductor made collection on his own account. (The hat +is not much worn at Starmouth.) Yet I was happy--I have made _her_ +acquaintance! Charming as she is beautiful--so simple and _naïve_ in the +few remarks she made. She is called LOUISE, and the person I took to be +her maid is, it appears, her aunt--a most shrewd and sensible old lady, +full of quiet good sense. We became friendly at once. + +_A Week later._--No time for notes lately--too absorbed in study of +LOUISE'S character--most complex and fascinating. Am I drifting into +love? Why not--who could help it? The rank she occupies is not, perhaps, +a lofty one; but at least there is nothing unfeminine in the duty of +providing old ladies and children with light refreshment from behind the +counter of an Oxford Street confectioner. And her tastes are refined; +she is a gentlewoman by nature and instinct. The lady-phrenologist has +delineated her (privately), and declared that LOUISE "could learn +science easily, and play the piano, if she turns her attention that +way." As a matter of fact, she has not, because neither science nor the +piano is in demand at a confectioner's; but still she undoubtedly +possesses a superior intellect; no ordinary girl would enter into the +Nautical Drama, for instance, as she does. + +[Illustration: "A Blow on the Jetty."] + +We have been to see _Caste_ at the theatre. LOUISE very grave and +critical; she only laughed once, and that was when _Eccles_ blew rather +loudly down his pipe to clear it. So many girls have an inconvenient +sense of humour--quite unsexing, I have always thought. + +Her aunt is not precisely patrician in her manner, which would be +totally out of place in a Fancy Wool Repository--but, after all, I shall +not have to go through any experiences like poor _D'Alroy's_. And I am +sure my uncle's heart will warm to LOUISE at once. Why hesitate, then? I +will not. + +I have taken the plunge--LOUISE has consented. She tells me that she was +won by my appearance in the Professor's chair, and still more by the +character he gave me. How our choicest blessings masquerade! Drama, for +the moment, in the background--but only apparently so. Literature has no +stimulus like love, and I am constantly talking the play over with +LOUISE. She has made one suggestion that convinces me she has a keen +sense of dramatic effect--a hornpipe in one of the Acts. I am to read +her the first Scene, as soon as it is put into shape. + +Her brother "ALF" is expected down to-night. LOUISE is certain we shall +"take to one another," he has "such spirits," and is "quite a cure." +Always thought a "cure" was a kind of jumping clown--but ALF is a clerk +in a leading establishment, somewhere in Marylebone--a steady, +industrious young fellow, no doubt. However, I shall meet him to-morrow. + +I _have_ met ALF. Although I love LOUISE with the first real passion of +a lifetime, I cannot disguise from myself that her brother is an +unmitigated Blazer. I would almost rather that he did not take to +me--but he does. In half an hour he is addressing me as "Old +gooseberry-pudden." If he is going to do this often, I shall have to +hint that I do not like it. + +I have been strolling with him on the sands, where he has already found +several of his acquaintance. He _will_ introduce me to all of them. +Hearty, high-spirited fellows, full of rough but genuine British humour. +From the manner in which they all inquire "How my bumps are getting on," +I infer they were amongst Professor SKITTLES' audience the other day. +But they mean to be friendly enough--I must not let them see how they +annoy me.... It is absurd to be stiff at Starmouth. + + * * * * * + +THE TYMPANUM. + +(_A Remonstrance at a Railway Station._) + + _The_ tympanum! The tympanum! + Oh! who will save the aural drum + By softening to some gentler squeak + The whistle's shrill _staccato_ shriek? + Oh! Engine-driver, did you know + How your blast smites one like a blow, + An inward shock, a racking strain, + A knife-like thrust of poignant pain, + Whilst groping through the tunnel murk + You would not with that fiendish jerk + Let out that _sudden_ blast of steam + Whose screaming almost makes _us_ scream. + Thy whistle weird perchance may be + A sad and sore necessity, + But cannot Law and sense combine + To--well, in short, to draw the line?-- + Across the open let it shrill + From moor to moor, from hill to hill, + But in the tunnel's crypt-like gloom, + The Station's cramped reverberant room, + A gentler, _graduated_ blast! + Do let it loose, whilst dashing past, + So shall it spare us many a pang; + That dread explosive bursting "bang" + Which nearly splits the aural drum, + The poor long-suffering tympanum! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether +MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in +no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception. + + + + +TRANSCRIBER NOTES: + +On page 149, a period was added after "by a long way". + +On page 149, a period was added after "he feels, afford them". + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +93., October 1, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 36537-8.txt or 36537-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/5/3/36537/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |