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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of All Men are Ghosts, by L. P. Jacks
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: All Men are Ghosts
+
+Author: L. P. Jacks
+
+Release Date: June 26, 2011 [EBook #36518]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALL MEN ARE GHOSTS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Suzanne Shell, Mary Meehan and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
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+
+
+                        ALL MEN ARE GHOSTS
+
+                          BY L. P. JACKS
+
+AUTHOR OF "MAD SHEPHERDS," "AMONG THE IDOLMAKERS," "THE ALCHEMY OF
+THOUGHT"
+
+
+    LONDON
+    WILLIAMS & NORGATE
+    14 HENRIETTA STREET, COVENT GARDEN
+    1913
+
+
+           I DEDICATE THIS VOLUME
+                     TO
+              STOPFORD BROOKE
+    TO WHOM I OWE MORE THAN COULD BE TOLD
+          WERE MANY PAGES EMPLOYED
+               IN THE RECITAL
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+PANHANDLE AND THE GHOSTS:
+
+I. PANHANDLE LAYS DOWN A PRINCIPLE
+
+II. PANHANDLE NARRATES HIS HISTORY AND DESCRIBES THE HAUNTED HOUSE
+
+III. PANHANDLE'S REMARKABLE ADVENTURE. THE GHOST APPEARS
+
+
+THE MAGIC FORMULA
+
+
+ALL MEN ARE GHOSTS:
+
+I. DR PIECRAFT BECOMES CONFUSED
+
+II. "THE HOLE IN THE WATER-SKIN"
+
+III. DR PIECRAFT CLEARS HIS MIND
+
+
+THE PROFESSOR'S MARE
+
+
+FARMER JEREMY AND HIS WAYS
+
+
+WHITE ROSES
+
+
+
+
+Of the stories in this volume, "Farmer Jeremy and his Ways" has already
+appeared in the _Cornhill_; "The Magic Formula," "The Professor's Mare,"
+and "White Roses" in the _Atlantic Monthly_. These are reprinted with
+the permission of the respective Editors. Some additions have been made
+which were precluded by the shorter form of the magazine story.
+
+
+
+
+    "He that hath found some fledged bird's nest may know,
+      At first sight, if the bird be flown;
+    But what fair well or grove he sings in now,
+      That is to him unknown.
+
+    And yet, as angels in some brighter dreams
+      Call to the soul while man doth sleep;
+    So some strange thoughts transcend our wonted themes,
+      And into glory peep."
+
+    HENRY VAUGHAN, 1655.
+
+
+
+
+ALL MEN ARE GHOSTS
+
+
+
+
+PANHANDLE AND THE GHOSTS
+
+    "'Oh,' dissi lui, 'Or se' tu ancor morto?'
+        Ed egli a me, 'Come il mio corpo stea
+        Nel mondo su, nulla scienza porto.'"
+
+    DANTE, _Inferno_, Canto xxxiii.
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+PANHANDLE LAYS DOWN A PRINCIPLE
+
+
+"The first principle to guide us in the study of the subject," said
+Panhandle, "is that no genuine ghost ever recognised itself as what you
+suppose it to be. The conception which the ghost has of its own being is
+fundamentally different from yours. Because it lacks solidity you deem
+it less real than yourself. The ghost thinks the opposite. You imagine
+that its language is a squeak. From the ghost's point of view the
+squeaker is yourself. In short, the attitude of mankind towards the
+realm of ghosts is regarded by them as a continual affront to the
+majesty of the spiritual world, perpetrated by beings who stand on a low
+level of intelligence; and for that reason they seldom appear or make
+any attempt at open communication, doing their work in secret and
+disclosing their identity only to selected souls. Far from admitting
+that they are less real than you, they regard themselves as possessed of
+reality vastly more intense than yours. Imagine what your own feelings
+would be if, at this moment, I were to treat you as a gibbering bogey,
+and you will then have some measure of the contempt which ghosts
+entertain for human beings."
+
+"You must confess, my dear Panhandle," I answered, "that you are flying
+in the face of the greatest authorities, and have the whole literature
+of the subject against you. You tell me that no genuine ghost ever
+recognised itself as such."
+
+"I mean, of course," interrupted Panhandle, "that it never recognised
+itself as a ghost in your inadequate sense of the term."
+
+"Then," said I, "what do you make of the Ghost's words in _Hamlet_:
+
+     'I am thy father's spirit'?
+
+This one, at all events, recognised itself as such."
+
+"In attributing those words to the Ghost," said Panhandle, "Shakespeare
+was using him as a stage property and as a means of playing to the
+gallery, which is incapable of right notions on this subject. But there
+is another passage in the same group of scenes which shows that
+Shakespeare was not wholly ignorant of the inner mind of ghosts. Listen
+to this:--
+
+
+    '_Enter Ghost._
+
+    _Horatio._ What art thou, that usurp'st this time of night,
+    Together with that fair and warlike form
+    In which the majesty of buried Denmark
+    Did sometimes march? By Heaven I charge thee, speak!
+
+    _Marcellus._ It is offended.
+
+    _Bernardo._ See, it stalks away'"
+
+"Now, what does that mean?" he continued. "The words of Horatio imply
+that the Ghost has _usurped_ a reality which does not belong to him;
+that he is a wraith, a goblin, or some such absurdity--that, in short,
+he is going to be treated in the idiotic manner which is usual with men
+in the presence of such apparitions. Doubtless the Ghost saw that these
+men were afraid of him, that their hair was standing on end and their
+knees knocking together. Disgusted at such an exhibition of what to him
+would appear as a mixture of stupidity and bad manners, he turned up his
+nose at the lot of them and stalked away in wrath. No self-respecting
+ghost would ever consent to be so treated; and that may help you to
+understand why communications from the world of spirits are
+comparatively rare. Ghosts who believe in the existence of human beings
+often regard them as idiots. To communicate with such imbeciles is to
+court an insult, or at least to expose the communicating spirit to an
+exhibition of revolting antics and limited intelligence. From their
+point of view, men are a race of beings whose acquaintance is not worth
+cultivating."
+
+"Your words imply," I said, "that some of the ghosts do not believe in
+our existence at all."
+
+"The majority are of that mind," he answered. "Belief in the existence
+of beings like yourself is regarded among them as betokening a want of
+mental balance. A ghost who should venture to assert that you, for
+example, were real would certainly risk his reputation, and if he held a
+scientific professorship or an ecclesiastical appointment he would be
+sneered at by his juniors and made the victim of some persecution. I may
+tell you incidentally that the ghosts have among them a Psychical
+Research Society which has been occupied for many years in investigating
+the reality of the inhabitants of this planet. By the vast majority of
+ghosts the proceedings of the Society are viewed with indifference, and
+the claim, which is occasionally made, that communication has been
+established with the beings whom we know as men is treated with
+contempt. The critics point to the extreme triviality of the alleged
+communications from this world. They say that nothing of the least
+importance has ever come through from the human side, and are wont to
+make merry over the imbecility and disjointed nonsense of the messages
+reported by the mediums; for you must understand that there are mediums
+on that side as well as on this. I happen to know of two instances. Some
+time ago two questions, purporting to come from this world, reached the
+ghosts. One was, 'What will be the price of Midland Preferred on January
+1, 1915?' The other, 'Will it be a boy or a girl?' For months a
+committee of ghostly experts has been investigating these
+communications, the meaning of which proved at first sight utterly
+unintelligible in that world. The matter is still undecided; but the
+conclusion most favoured at the moment is that the messages are garbled
+quotations from an eminent poet among the ghosts. Meanwhile more than
+one great reputation has been sacrificed and the sceptics are jubilant."
+
+"As you speak, Panhandle," I said, "it suddenly occurs to me, with a
+kind of shock, that at this moment these beings may be investigating
+the reality of my own existence. It would be interesting if I could find
+out what they suppose me to be."
+
+"I doubt if the knowledge would flatter you," he answered. "It is highly
+probable that you would hear yourself interpreted in lower terms than
+even the most malicious of your enemies could invent. A friend of mine,
+who is a Doctor of Science, and extremely scornful as to the existence
+of spirits, is actually undergoing that investigation by the ghosts the
+results of which, if applied to yourself, you would find so interesting.
+Some assert that he is a low form of mental energy which has managed to
+get astray in the universe. Others declare that he is a putrid emanation
+from some kind of matter which science has not yet identified, without
+consciousness, but by no means without odour. They allege that they have
+walked through him."
+
+At this point of the conversation I suddenly remembered a question which
+I had several times had on the tip of my tongue to ask.
+
+"Panhandle," I said, "you seem to be on a familiar footing with the
+ghosts. How did you acquire it?"
+
+"Ah, my friend," he replied, "the answer to that is a long story. Come
+down to my house in the country, stay a fortnight, and I promise to give
+you abundant material for your next book."
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+PANHANDLE NARRATES HIS HISTORY AND DESCRIBES THE HAUNTED HOUSE
+
+
+Panhandle's residence was situated in a remote part of the country, and
+at this moment I have no clear recollection of the complicated journey,
+with its many changes at little-known junctions, which I had to make in
+order to find my friend.
+
+The residence stood in the midst of elevated woodlands, and was well
+hidden by the trees. An immense sky-sign, standing out high above all
+other objects and plainly visible to the traveller from whatever side he
+made his approach, had been erected on the roof. The sky-sign carried
+the legend "No Psychologists!" It turned with the wind, gyrating
+continually, and when darkness fell the letters were outlined in
+electric lamps. Only a blind man could miss the warning.
+
+This legend was repeated over the main entrance to the grounds, with the
+addition of the word "Beware!" I thought of mantraps and ferocious dogs,
+and for some minutes I stood before the gates, wondering if it would be
+safe for me to enter. At last, remembering how several friends had
+assured me that I was "no psychologist," I concluded that little harm
+awaited me, plucked up my courage, and boldly advanced.
+
+Beyond the gates I found the warning again repeated with a more emphatic
+truculence and a finer particularity. At intervals along the drive I saw
+notice-boards projecting from the barberries and the laurels, each with
+some new version of the original theme. "_Death to the Psychology of
+Religion_" were the words inscribed on one. The next was even more
+precise in its application, and ran as follows:--
+
+    "_Inquisitive psychologists take notice!
+            Panhandle has a gun,
+        And will not hesitate to shoot._"
+
+Somewhat shaken I approached the front door and was startled to see a
+long, glittering thing suddenly thrust through an open window in the
+upper storey; and the man behind the weapon was unquestionably Panhandle
+himself. "Can it be," I said aloud, "that Panhandle has taken me for an
+inquisitive psychologist?"
+
+"Advance," cried my host, who had a keen ear for such undertones.
+"Advance and fear nothing." A moment later he grasped me warmly by the
+hand, "Welcome, dearest of friends," he was saying. "You have arrived at
+an opportune moment. The house is full of guests who are longing to meet
+you."
+
+"But, Panhandle," I expostulated as we stood on the doorstep, "I
+understood we were to be alone. I have come for one purpose only, that
+you might explain your familiarity with--with _those people_."
+
+I used this expression, rather than one more explicit, because the
+footman was still present, knowing from long experience how dangerous it
+is to speak plainly about metaphysical realities in the hearing of the
+proletariat.
+
+"Those very people are now awaiting you," said Panhandle, as he drew me
+into the library. "I will be quite frank with you at once. _This house
+is haunted_; and if on consideration you find your nerves unequal to an
+encounter with ghosts, you had better go back at once, for there is no
+telling how soon the apparitions will begin."
+
+"I have been longing to see a ghost all my life," I answered; "and now
+that the chance has come at last, I am not going to run away from it.
+But I confess that with the encounter so near at hand my knees are not
+as steady as I could wish."
+
+"A turn in the open air will set that right," said he, "and we will take
+it at once; for I perceive an indication that the first ghost has
+already entered the room and is only waiting for your nerves to calm
+before presenting himself to your vision."
+
+I bolted into the garden, and Panhandle, with an irritating smile at the
+corners of his mouth, followed. As we walked among the lawns and
+shrubberies we both fell silent: he, for a reason unknown to me; I,
+because something in his plan of gardening had absorbed my attention and
+filled me with wonder. Presently I said, "Panhandle, I cannot refrain
+from asking you a question. I observe that in your style of gardening
+you have embodied an idea which I have long cherished but never dared to
+carry out lest people should think me morbid. You have planted cypress
+at the back of your roses; and the plan is so unusual and yet so
+entirely in accord with my own mind on the subject that I suspect
+telepathy between you and me."
+
+He looked at me closely for a few seconds, and then said:
+
+"It may be. I too have often suspected that throughout the whole of my
+gardening operations I was under the control of an intelligence other
+than my own. But I would never have guessed that it was yours. Anyhow,
+this particular idea, no matter what its origin may be, is admirable.
+No other background will compare with the cypress for bringing out the
+colour of the roses. See how gorgeous they look at this moment."
+
+"And the cypress too," I said, "are, thanks to the contrast, full of
+majesty. But, though you and I understand one another so completely at
+this point, there is another at which I confess you bewilder me." And I
+indicated the sky-sign, which at that moment had turned its legend--"No
+Psychologists"--full towards us.
+
+"You will not be surprised to learn," he answered, "that this house,
+like other haunted houses, has been the scene of a tragedy. The tragedy
+is the explanation of the sign, and it is essential you should know the
+story, as the ghosts are certain to refer to it. You remember that I
+once had a religion?"
+
+"I trust you have one still," I said.
+
+"I prefer to be silent on that point," he answered. "Whatever religion I
+may have at the present moment I am resolved to protect from the
+disasters which befell the religion I had long ago. A certain
+psychologist got wind of it, and I, in my innocence, granted his request
+to submit my religious consciousness to a scientific investigation. I
+was highly flattered by the result. The man, having completed his
+investigation, came to the conclusion that my religion was destined to
+be _the religion of the future_, and went up and down the country
+announcing his prophecy. But the strange thing was that as soon as we
+all knew that this was going to be the religion of the future it ceased
+to be the religion of the present. What followed? Why, in a couple of
+years I and my followers had no religion at all. Incidentally our minds
+had become a mass of self-complacency and conceit, and the public were
+coming to regard us as a set of intolerable wind-bags. Such was the
+tragedy, and ever since its occurrence I have led a haunted life."
+
+"There may be compensations in that," I suggested.
+
+"There are, and I am resolved to maintain them. This house and these
+grounds are kept as a strict preserve for spirits of every denomination;
+and you will understand the severity of my measures for their protection
+when I tell you that the slightest taint of an earth-born psychology in
+the atmosphere, or the footprint of one of its exponents on the
+greensward, would instantly cause a general exodus of my ghostly
+visitors, and thus deprive me of the company which is at once the solace
+and the inspiration of my declining years. On all such intrusions I
+decree the penalty of death, being fully determined that no psychology
+shall pollute this neighbourhood until such time as the ghosts, having
+completed a psychology of their own, are able to protect themselves. I
+assure you that my intercourse with the spirits more than makes amends
+for all that I lost when my former religion was destroyed."
+
+"Which never became the religion of the future after all?" I asked, more
+sarcastically perhaps than was quite decent.
+
+"Of course not. And the same cause, if suffered to operate, will prevent
+anything else from becoming the religion of the future. It is one of the
+signs of decadence in the present age that livelihoods should be
+procurable by the scientific analysis of religion. Had I the power, I
+would make it a penal offence to publish the results of such inquiries.
+As it is, we must protect ourselves. Arm, therefore, my friend--arm
+yourself with the like of this; and whenever you see one of those
+marauders, do not hesitate to shoot! The only good psychologist is a
+dead one."
+
+As Panhandle said this, he drew from his pocket quite the most
+formidable six-shooting pistol I have ever seen.
+
+I was about to protest against the atrocious obscurantism of this
+outburst, when my attention was caught by a strange sound of fluttering
+in the letters of the sky-sign above the house. Looking up, I saw to my
+amazement that the former legend had disappeared and a new one was
+gradually forming. "_Change the conversation_," were the words I read
+when the swaying letters had settled down into a position of rest.
+Immediately afterwards the letters fluttered again and the original
+legend reappeared. "Certainly," I said to myself, "this house is
+haunted."
+
+Obedient to the mandate of the fluttering letters, I began at once to
+cast about for an opening that would change the conversation. I could
+find none, and I was embarrassed by the pause. There was nothing for it
+but to break out suddenly on a new line. But in the sequel I was
+astonished to observe with what ease Panhandle, in spite of the violence
+of the transition, turned the conversation back to its original theme.
+
+"My dear Panhandle," I said, "you are doubtless familiar with the remark
+of Charles Dickens to the effect that writers of fiction seldom _dream_
+of the characters they have created, the reason being that they know
+those characters to be unreal."
+
+"I am perfectly familiar with the passage," he replied, "but I am
+astonished to hear it quoted by you. Have you not often insisted, in
+pursuance, I suppose, of the principles of your philosophy, that
+characters created by imaginative genius, such as Hamlet or Faust,
+possess a deeper reality than beings of flesh and blood? Did you not
+cite instances from Dickens himself and say that Sam Weller and Mr
+Micawber were more real to you than Louis XIV or George Washington?"
+
+"I certainly said so, and adhere to the statement."
+
+"Then you will not hesitate to admit that a character who is more real
+than George Washington is at least as capable of being interested in the
+problem of his own creation as George Washington could have been."
+
+"You are leading me into a trap," I replied.
+
+"I am only requiring you to be in earnest. Like many persons who express
+the opinion you have just reiterated, you have never taken the trouble
+to realise what it implies. But I will now show you its implications.
+Nor could a better means be found of introducing the revelations I am
+about to make as to what you may expect in this haunted house. It was
+your good genius who led you to this topic. You will learn presently
+that the phenomena peculiar to my house are entirely in harmony with
+your own philosophy on this point, that philosophy being, as I
+understand, some new brand of Idealism."
+
+"I desire you to proceed with the revelations immediately," I said. "We
+live in an age which abhors introductions as fiercely as Nature abhors a
+vacuum, and I beg you to leave it with me to adjust what you are about
+to deliver to the principles of my philosophy."
+
+"Know, then," said Panhandle, with a readiness that marked his approval
+of my attitude, "that your opinion as to the reality of these imaginary
+characters is entirely sound. Many of them are in the habit of haunting
+this very house, and I think it extremely probable that some will put
+in an appearance to-night. You have quoted Charles Dickens to the effect
+that their creators know them to be unreal--a remarkable error for so
+gifted a man. But it may astonish you to learn that they return the
+compliment by having no belief in the reality of their reputed creators.
+It is more than possible, after what you have said, that Mr Micawber,
+who has now become a philosopher, will appear to you during your stay in
+the house. Tell him by way of experiment that his creator was a certain
+Charles Dickens. You will find that he wholly fails to understand what
+you mean. He regards himself as a fortuitous concourse of ideas. Only
+this morning I tried the same experiment on Colonel Newcome. I told him
+all about Thackeray, who, said I, was the author of his being.[1] He was
+utterly amazed, and just as incredulous as it is possible for so perfect
+a gentleman to be. He accused me of talking metaphysics."
+
+[Footnote 1: "In the novel of _Pendennis_, written ten years ago, there
+is an account of a certain Costigan, whom I had invented.... I was
+smoking in a tavern-parlour one night, and this Costigan came into the
+room alone--the very man: the most remarkable resemblance of the printed
+sketches of the man, and of the rude drawings in which I had depicted
+him. He had the same little coat, the same battered hat, cocked on one
+eye, the same twinkle in that eye. 'Sir,' said I, knowing him to be an
+old friend whom I had met in unknown regions, 'sir,' I said, 'may I
+offer you a glass of brandy and water?' ... How had I come to know him,
+to divine him? Nothing shall convince me that I have not seen that man
+in the world of spirits." (Thackeray, _De Finibus_.) See the whole
+passage, from which it is evident that Costigan did not recognise his
+creator.]
+
+My long acquaintance with Panhandle had schooled me to betray no
+astonishment at anything he might say. So, assuming as cool an air as I
+could command, I merely asked:
+
+"Would you mind telling me, Panhandle, by what means you have managed to
+ascertain the views of these gentlemen concerning their creator?"
+
+"Like yourself," he answered, "I was convinced long ago that the
+creations of genius, Hamlet and the rest, are more real than the Johns,
+Toms, and Marys who seem to walk the earth. But, unlike you, I have not
+been content that so important a truth should remain at the level of a
+mere elegant opinion. By a course of spiritual exercises carefully
+devised, into which I shall presently initiate you, I have placed myself
+in direct communication with these personalities; and so successful has
+the discipline proved, that intelligent intercourse has become possible
+between them and me. I frequently invite them to haunt the house, and
+the response is always favourable. I am on terms of intimacy with the
+principal characters of the Classic Drama, of Shakespeare, Goethe, and
+many eminent novelists of modern times."
+
+On hearing this all my efforts to keep cool broke down.
+
+"Panhandle," I cried, "you must initiate me into those exercises without
+a moment's delay."
+
+"Be patient," he replied, "until you have heard the further results to
+which they will lead. I have not yet told you the half, and it may be
+that when you have heard the rest you will prefer to have no part in
+these Mysteries. The realm to which they will lead you has an immense
+population of ghosts; it is vastly more populous than our planet; and
+notwithstanding that my exercises have brought me abundant knowledge of
+them and their doings, I have not been able to classify more than a
+small portion of the inhabitants. The characters created by imaginative
+genius are only one among the orders of ghosts to whom you will
+presently be introduced. You will be haunted by _Ideas_ in every
+variety, all of them living organisms of high complexity, and all more
+or less ignorant of whence they come or whose they are. Possibly you
+will encounter your own ideas among them; and I must warn you against
+claiming to be the author of any of them, even the most original. There
+is nothing that offends them more deeply. They have their own notions as
+to their origin, which they conceive to lie in something infinitely
+superior to the brain of a being like yourself. By many of them their
+reputed authors are treated with contempt; some deny the existence of
+these 'authors' in any capacity whatsoever; others regard them as mere
+phrases, metaphors, or abstractions. A notable instance is that of your
+friend Professor Gunn, who wrote the famous treatise to prove the
+non-existence of God. The potent ideas projected in the course of that
+work had long enjoyed an independent being of their own in the spiritual
+world; and it may interest you--and Professor Gunn also, if you will be
+kind enough to tell him what I am now saying--to learn that these ideas
+of his have formed themselves into a congregation or society whose
+principal tenet is that there is no such being as Professor Gunn. They
+regard him alternatively as a sun-myth or an exploded fiction."
+
+"How absurd!" I cried.
+
+"In your present darkness," he answered, "the exclamation is to be
+excused. But I assure you that after passing one night in this house you
+will find that nothing in heaven or earth is less absurd than the
+statement you have just heard."
+
+"As to _your own_ Ideas," he continued, "know that their relation to
+yourself is, in their eyes, widely different from what you conceive it
+to be. Between yourself and them there is the utmost divergence of view
+on this matter. Under no circumstances whatsoever will they consent to
+regard themselves as your _property_, and no claim of that kind, nor
+even the semblance of a claim, must ever be suffered to appear in your
+dealings with these ghosts. Remember that your common-sense is their
+metaphysic, and their metaphysic your common-sense; what you dream of,
+they see; what you see, they dream of; and the consequence is that many
+truths, which appear to you as the least certain of your conclusions,
+are used by them as the familiar axioms of thought. On the other hand,
+what are axioms to you are often problems to them. Your _cogito ergo
+sum_, for example, will not go down in the spiritual world. For just as
+you, on your side of the theory of knowledge, are busy in trying to
+account for your Ideas, so they, on theirs, have much ado in their
+efforts to account for _you_; all of them find you the most illusive of
+beings, while some, as I have already hinted, deny your existence
+altogether, or treat you as a highly questionable hypothesis. With
+several of your leading Ideas I hope to make you personally acquainted
+this very night. To convince them of your identity will be no easy
+matter, and the most vigilant circumspection will be necessary on your
+part. I counsel an attitude of uttermost modesty; anything else is
+certain to give them the impression that you are an impostor. Betray,
+then, not the least surprise on finding yourself treated by your own
+Ideas as a being of little importance to their concerns. Above all, you
+must not expect them to take more than a passing interest in _your
+brain_. Your best course is to avoid all reference to that topic. 'The
+brain' is seldom, if ever, mentioned in the best circles of the
+spiritual world--to which circles, I assume, your leading Ideas belong.
+You must never forget that in the realm of Ideas class distinctions are
+rigidly observed; there is an aristocracy and a proletariat, with all
+the intermediate grades; and many topics which may be safely mentioned
+among the commons are an offence when introduced to the nobility. 'The
+brain' is one of these. Its use, among the ghosts, is confined
+exclusively to the working class; and you will commit a breach of good
+manners by flaunting its functions in the presence of august society.
+Were you, for example, in the course of some conversation with a noble
+Principle, to offer him the use of your own brain, or to suggest that he
+was in need of such an implement, or in the habit of using it, you would
+commit an indiscretion of the first magnitude; and it is certain the
+offended spirit would strike you off his visiting list and decline to
+haunt you any more. Pardon my insistence on this point. Knowing, as I
+do, how apt you are to talk about your brain, I am naturally
+apprehensive lest, in an unguarded moment, you should thrust that organ
+under the nose of some Great Idea. Believe me, it would be a fatal
+mistake. Remember, I implore you, what I have already said: that, in the
+spiritual world, the brain-habit is strictly confined to the working
+class."[2]
+
+[Footnote 2: "Ni pour le jugement, ni pour le raisonnement, ni pour
+aucune autre faculte de la pensee proprement dite nous n'avons la
+moindre raison de supposer qu'elle soit attachee a tels ou tels
+processus cerebraux determines.... Les phenomenes cerebraux sont en
+effet a la vie mentale ce que les gestes du chef d'orchestre sont a la
+symphonie: ils en dessinent les articulations motrices, ils ne font pas
+autre chose. On ne trouverait done rien des operations de l'esprit
+proprement dit a l'interieur du cerveau." (Professor Henri Bergson:
+Presidential Address to the Society for Psychical Research, 1913.)]
+
+"Before you can persuade me of all this," I said, "you will have to turn
+my intelligence clean inside out."
+
+"That is precisely what I intend doing, and the first step shall be
+taken this very instant. Begin the exercises by repeating the Formula of
+Initiation. It runs as follows:
+
+    '_Till another speaks to me I am nothing._'"
+
+"Why, Panhandle," I said laughing, "that is the very formula they taught
+me when I first entered a Public School. And they enforced it with
+kicks."
+
+"The Universe enforces it in the same manner. But let us keep to the
+matter in hand. Repeat the formula at once."
+
+"Wait," I said. "The situation is growing ominous, and I will not embark
+upon this enterprise till I know more of what it will lead to."
+
+"Take your own time," said Panhandle. "The rules of my system forbid me
+to hurry the neophyte. If what I have told you already is not enough,
+you shall hear more. Among the ghosts who haunt this house are beings
+far mightier than any I have so far described. For a long time their
+identification baffled me, until one night I overheard them in high
+debate, and found they were occupied in an attempt to account for their
+own existence in the scheme of things. Then I knew who they were."
+
+"These," I said, catching him up, "must assuredly be the ghosts of the
+great philosophies, or systems of thought, which in their earthly state
+accounted for the existence of everything else, but left the problem of
+their own existence untouched."
+
+"A most happy anticipation, and one that augurs well for your future
+success as an entertainer of ghosts. Have we not heard on high authority
+that no philosophy is complete until it has explained its own presence
+in the universe? Having neglected this at the first stage of their
+existence, the systems exercise their wits at the second in attempts to
+make good the oversight."
+
+"Do many of them succeed?" I asked.
+
+"Most of them fail; and for that reason their ghosts linger for ages in
+the neighbourhood of houses which, like my own, are hospitable to their
+presence. For it is a rule of the realm to which they now belong that so
+soon as any system succeeds in explaining its own origin it vanishes and
+passes on to a still higher state of existence."
+
+"Panhandle," I said, "you have identified these ghosts beyond the
+possibility of cavil. A more conclusive proof could not be given."
+
+"Beware, then, how you proceed!" said he. "It is possible that you will
+be haunted to-night not only by your Ideas in their severalty, but by
+your whole system of thought organised as one Synthetic Ghost. It will
+certainly question you on the subject of its creator, that being, as I
+have said, the central and absorbing interest of all these spirits. But
+again let me implore you to be on your guard against claiming to be its
+author. To inform such a ghost that it originates in a human
+intelligence, and that intelligence your own, would be treated as an
+outbreak of impudence deserving the highest resentment, and it is more
+than likely that the indignant phantom would put a lasting blight on
+your intellect or punish your presumption in ways yet more fearful to
+contemplate."
+
+The flow of Panhandle's speech had now become extremely rapid, and my
+intelligence was beginning to lag in the rear. "Give me a
+breathing-space," I cried; "I need an interval for silent meditation."
+Then, in a voice so low that he could not hear me, I repeated to myself
+the Formula of Initiation and, after musing for a few minutes, begged
+him to proceed. "A light is breaking," I said, "and your warnings are
+taking hold."
+
+"In this connection," he resumed, "I could relate many things that would
+surprise you. Just as the personalities created by genius are apt to
+repudiate their creators, so the great philosophies when translated to
+the higher state are apt to disown all connection with the persons to
+whom their origin is humanly attributed. The philosophy of Spencer, for
+example, believes its author to be absolutely inscrutable; that of von
+Hartmann suspects a Professor, but declares him to have been unconscious
+of what he was doing. Pessimism, again, ascribes its beginning to a
+desire on the part of the Primal Power to give away the secret of its
+conspiracies against its own subjects; the doctrine that mind is
+mechanism believes itself the outcome of a non-mechanical principle, and
+has become in consequence the most superstitious of all the ghosts; and
+a group of materialistic systems have concluded, after long debate,
+that all philosophies originate from Ink and a Tendency in the Ink to
+get itself transferred to Paper."
+
+"It is evident," I interposed, "that even in their higher existence the
+systems are by no means free from illusions."
+
+"Be cautious how you judge them," said Panhandle, "for it may be that in
+accounting for their origin they are less astray than yourself. None the
+less, you are right in declaring them defective. _Fallacies_ perpetrated
+in a system at the first stage of its existence become _diseases_ when
+translated to the second, and some of the ghosts in consequence live the
+life of invalids. The ghost of Evolution, for example, will appear
+before you in a deplorable condition. This ghost has recently learnt
+that it is suffering from an Undistributed Middle, a disease unamenable
+to treatment, being proof even against the Method of Eloquence, which as
+you know is a potent specific for most logical defects. You may easily
+identify the spirit by remembering what I have told you. If you
+encounter an apparition walking about with hands pressed hard on its
+Middle, and groaning heavily, know that the spectre of Evolution is
+before you."
+
+"Panhandle," I said, "your revelations have awakened my uttermost
+curiosity, and every nerve in my body is tense with eagerness to
+encounter an apparition. Heaven grant that the ghost of my own
+philosophy may appear! And yet, in a sense, I am disappointed. You
+promised that you would furnish me with material for my next book. But
+the public has no interest in the phantoms you have described, and will
+not believe in their existence."
+
+"That remains to be seen," he answered. "Meanwhile, I give you my solemn
+pledge that you shall see a ghost before the night is out."
+
+He said this in a tone so ominous that I could not refrain from
+starting. What could he mean? A sudden thought flashed upon me, and I
+cried aloud:
+
+"My dear friend, you fill me with alarm, and I am on the point of giving
+way! I begin to suspect that I shall never see the ghosts until I have
+passed to another world. I believe that I am doomed to die in this house
+to-night! It was indicated in the tone of your voice."
+
+With a quick motion Panhandle swung round in his chair and looked me
+full in the face.
+
+"How do you know," he said, "that you are not dead now, and already
+passed to the existence of which you speak?"
+
+The effort to answer his question revived my courage. But in all my life
+I have never found a problem half so difficult. To prove that I was not
+dead already and become a ghost! Forty or fifty times did I lay down a
+new set of premises, only to be reminded by Panhandle that I begged the
+question in every one. My ingenuity was taxed to breaking point, my
+voice was exhausted, the sweat was pouring from my brows, when, once
+again, from the upper airs where the sky-sign was swinging, I heard the
+same fluttering and rustling which had arrested my attention at a former
+crisis. It was growing dark, and the arc-lamps which outlined the
+letters were all aglow. I watched the transformation, and suddenly saw,
+flashed out for a moment into the gathering darkness, these words:
+
+     "_Give it up._"
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+PANHANDLE'S REMARKABLE ADVENTURE. THE GHOST APPEARS
+
+
+Dinner was now served. We dined alone, and, in the intervals when the
+footman was out of the room, I seized the opportunity to probe further
+into the mystery of the haunted house.
+
+"The ghosts," I said, "have not appeared. Neither in my own apartment,
+nor in the corridors, nor in the various empty rooms which I have
+visited, have I seen or heard anything to suggest that the house is
+haunted."
+
+"May I ask," said my companion, "for the grounds of your statement that
+so far the ghost has failed to appear?"
+
+"Save for yourself," I answered, "the only person I have seen since
+entering is the footman."
+
+"And how do you know that the footman is not a ghost?"
+
+"Why," said I, "he carried my bag upstairs, and pocketed the balance of
+half a crown I gave him to pay for a telegram."
+
+"I never heard a feebler argument," he replied. "It is obvious that you
+resemble the majority of mankind, who, if they were to see a thousand
+ghosts every day, would never recognise one of them for what it was.
+Now, as to the footman----"
+
+But at that moment the individual in question entered the room bringing
+coffee and cigars. When he had gone Panhandle resumed:
+
+"We were speaking of the footman. But perhaps it would be wiser to deal
+with the matter in general terms. I have already said enough to satisfy
+any reasonable judge of evidence that this is a genuinely haunted house.
+I have now to add that a doubt may be raised as to _who is the haunter
+and who the haunted_."
+
+I sat silent, staring at Panhandle with wide eyes of astonishment, for
+I had no universe of discourse to which I could relate the strange
+things I was hearing. He went on:
+
+"From what I have told you already you have no doubt drawn the inference
+that the ghosts are haunting _me_. But the ghosts themselves are not of
+that mind. In their opinion it is I who am haunting _them_. My first
+discovery of this, which is destined to revolutionise the whole theory
+of ghosts, was made under circumstances which I will now relate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Many years ago I was seated in the library late one night engaged in
+writing a report of certain mysterious phenomena which had been observed
+in this house. I had just completed a copy of the signed evidence of the
+cook, the gardener, and the housemaid, all of whom had left that day
+without notice in consequence of something they alleged they had seen.
+Suddenly I thought I heard a whispered voice from the further side of
+the room, and looking up I saw seated at a table two beings of human
+semblance, who were gazing intently in my direction.
+
+"'Do you not see something on yonder chair?' asked one.
+
+"'Yes,' answered the other, 'I certainly see something. Probably a gleam
+of light. Observe, the curtains are not quite closed, and this is about
+the time when they turn on the searchlight at the barracks. Draw the
+curtains close and it will instantly disappear.'
+
+"The speaker went to the window, leaving the other still staring
+fearfully in my direction. Having closed the curtains, the man returned
+to his place.
+
+"'By heaven!' he cried, 'the thing is still there!' And I could see the
+pallor creeping over his face.
+
+"A moment later I heard one of them say, 'It has gone. Well, whatever it
+was, I have had a shock. I am trembling all over.' And with that he rang
+the bell.
+
+"Presently a footman appeared with a bottle of spirits and a siphon.
+Having deposited the tray, he chanced to look towards the place where I
+was sitting. A piercing cry followed, and the man ran screaming out of
+the room. The two men also started to their feet and began shouting
+something I could not hear. I suppose they were calling to some person
+in the house, for the shouts were quickly followed by the entry of a
+young fellow of athletic build and truculent countenance.
+
+"'Show me your damned ghost,' he said, 'and I'll soon settle him.'
+
+"'He's over there--in that seat,' cried one. 'For heaven's sake, go up
+to him, Reginald, and see what he's made of.'
+
+"The truculent youth darted forward, but suddenly came to a dead stop,
+with a face as white as a sheet. Then with a trembling hand he whipped a
+revolver out of his pocket, and at five paces fired all six barrels
+point-blank at my body. At each shot I was aware of a painful feeling in
+the penumbra of my consciousness, like the sudden awakening of a buried
+sorrow."
+
+At this point Panhandle paused to relight his cigar, and I took the
+opportunity to make a remark.
+
+"Count it no grievance," I said, "if one who shoots at psychologists is
+himself occasionally shot at. I surmise that the truculent youth was the
+ghost of a promising psychologist, foully murdered by your nefarious
+gun."
+
+"Name it a righteous execution, and I shall agree," he answered.
+
+"Or it may be," I added, "that many of the sudden and inexplicable pains
+that break out in our minds and in our bodies are caused by ghosts, or
+whatever you call them, shooting at us, or stabbing us, to test our
+reality."
+
+Panhandle turned a keen glance at my face to see if I was serious, and,
+being satisfied that I was, continued:
+
+"I have heard more unlikely explanations of such pains, and your theory
+is precisely one of those which medical science will have to investigate
+when these discoveries of mine are made public. But let me resume the
+narrative.
+
+"At the sound of the firing the whole household seemed to be aroused.
+And what a household it was! In a few moments the room was crowded with
+beings of reverend countenance and stately carriage. Looking round with
+slow, grave eyes, they conversed in whispers. 'Science must investigate
+this,' one of them said. 'We will arrange that a committee of the
+Society shall make a thorough examination of the house and test the
+phenomena. Don't forget to engage two shorthand writers and an expert in
+spirit photography. And let the room be sealed up till the experts
+arrive.'
+
+"During the whole of these proceedings I remained absolutely still, my
+acquaintance with the other world having taught me the wisdom of
+reticence. At this point, however, I resolved to attempt communication
+with my visitors, and, looking round for a person to whom I might
+address myself, I observed a bright little fellow of twelve years old
+staring about him in an absent-minded way, quite inattentive to all that
+was going on. As I walked over to where he was standing he saw me
+plainly, and showed not the least surprise on being addressed.
+
+"'What is your name, my little man?' I asked.
+
+"'Billy Burst,' said he.
+
+"'And what are you thinking about while all those people are making such
+a fuss?'
+
+"'_I am wondering how people weigh the planets_,' he answered.
+
+"'Come along with me,' said I, 'and I will show you just what you want
+to know.'
+
+"Then taking him by the hand I led him across the room to the seat I had
+just left; but though the sages who were present saw him cross the room,
+not one of them saw me, who was leading him by the hand.
+
+"I took out a sheet of paper and began to draw figures and work formulae,
+the boy meanwhile standing by the side of my chair and saying not a
+word. When I had finished I said:
+
+"'Do you understand?'
+
+"'Perfectly,' he answered; 'I see it at last. Thank you ever so much.'
+
+"'Now Billy,' I said, 'there is something you can do for _me_. I want
+you to stand on that chair and tell the people that the person they are
+making the fuss about is named Panhandle, that you know him, that he is
+real and quite harmless, and that he hopes they won't shoot at him any
+more, because it hurts. Say you are _quite certain_ he is real, because
+he has just told you how the planets are weighed.'
+
+"'Dear Pan,' said Billy, 'don't ask me to do that. I never tell people
+about _you_; they would only laugh at me if I did. Let us keep just as
+we are, old fellow, and not tell our secret to anybody.'
+
+"Unprepared for a style of address so familiar, 'Why, Billy,' I said, 'I
+have never seen you before.'
+
+"'Are you quite sure you see me _now_?' he replied.
+
+"Our positions had become reversed--Billy sitting in my study chair that
+he might read over what I had written about the planets, I standing by
+his side. I looked down to answer his last question, and for the
+briefest fraction of a second a vision passed before me. The object
+beneath me was not my study chair, but a small iron bedstead on which
+there lay a boy, fast asleep. It passed in the twinkling of an eye, and
+I found myself seated as before at my desk; the half-finished report was
+before me, and, save myself, not a soul was in the room. 'It is
+certain,' thought I, 'that I am haunting somebody. In the name of all
+the secret Powers that guide the fates of men--whom am I haunting?'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A marvellous story," I cried; "and more significant than even you,
+Panhandle, are aware. I knew Billy Burst. He and I were schoolmates, and
+practised magic together under the guidance of a mysterious Power whose
+name Billy would never disclose."
+
+"You knew Billy Burst!" exclaimed Panhandle. "My friend, you fill me
+with astonishment and delight. Did I not say we were on the eve of great
+discoveries? Tell me all you know about Billy, for the matter is of the
+utmost importance."
+
+"You are making _me_ wait for the appearance of the ghost," said I, "and
+must not be aggrieved if I make _you_ wait for information about Billy."
+
+"I again pledge my word to you," he answered, "that you shall see a
+ghost this very night."
+
+"And I pledge mine to you that you shall hear all about Billy as soon as
+the ghost appears. But it is my turn first."
+
+"Let us make it a covenant," he said.
+
+"Agreed!" I answered.
+
+"Then shake hands over the bargain."
+
+As he said this he stood up and extended his hand.
+
+With the utmost eagerness I sprang to my feet and made the reciprocating
+gesture. For an instant I thought that excitement had unsteadied me, for
+my hand, seeking his, seemed to move at random in the vacant air. Then I
+made a second attempt, carefully noting the position of his extended
+palm, and this time the truth dawned upon me in a flash. My hand,
+indeed, grasped what seemed to be his. But there was no substance to
+resist my closing fingers, no hardness of interior bones, no softness of
+enveloping tissues, no pressure, no contact, no warmth.
+
+"Panhandle," I cried, "you are a ghost!"
+
+"Hush!" he answered; "we never use that term in addressing one another.
+Whatever I _am_, you are also in process of _becoming_. You have been
+slow in making the discovery. I thought you had found me out when we
+stood among the cypress in the garden."
+
+I was trembling all over and had no control over the next words that
+came to my tongue. What they were I cannot remember, but Panhandle's
+reply seems to indicate that I had been imploring him to tell me what
+kind of a ghost he was.
+
+"Certainly not a character taken out of a novel," he was saying. "Think
+of the other orders of spirits who I told you were haunting the house,
+and place me in the last and highest."
+
+"You are the ghost of a philosophy!" I said.
+
+"I am."
+
+"Whose philosophy are you?" I shouted, for the figure of Panhandle was
+rapidly sliding away into the distance.
+
+"Your own!" was the answer.
+
+"Come back, beloved Panhandle!" I called after the retreating figure.
+"Come back and let me fulfil my part of the compact before you go. I
+have yet to tell you the story of Billy Burst."
+
+"I shall read it in the next chapter of your book," was the reply, now
+almost inaudible, so great was the distance from which it came.
+
+I called yet louder, "I have a ghost-story to tell _you_, dear
+Panhandle. Very important. About the ghost of a novelist. Far better
+than yours about the novelist's characters!"
+
+"I shall read about that in the next chapter but one."
+
+Such, I am fain to believe, was the answer. But the voice had now become
+so faint that this rendering of the words is given with reserve. My
+first impression was that Panhandle said simply, "Pooh, pooh!"
+
+I was determined not to let him go. Raising my voice to the uttermost, I
+continued to call him. "Come back," I kept shouting, "and arm me with
+one more word of wisdom for the battle of life! Without you, Panhandle,
+I have no protector, and the psychologists will surely devour me."
+
+At the sound of the word "psychologists" Panhandle's flight was suddenly
+arrested. In one swoop he retraversed the vast space that now lay
+between us, and returned to his original position.
+
+"Hear, then, my last word," he said. "The chief errors of mankind issue
+from the notion that thinking is a solitary process and the thinker an
+isolated being. In writing their works or monologues the thinkers, with
+few exceptions, have mistaken the form which is proper to philosophy and
+thereby done violence to the true nature of thought. All thinking is the
+work of a community; its form is conversational and, in the highest
+stages, dramatic. For want of this knowledge many philosophers have gone
+astray. Ignorant of the other minds with which their own are in
+communion, deaf to the voices which mingle with theirs in the eternal
+dialogue of thought, they have uttered their message as a weary
+monologue, and the vivid interplay of mind with mind, the quick debate
+of reacting spirits, which is the very life of thought, has fallen dead.
+In the course of your education, which has properly begun to-day, you
+will become acquainted with a multitude of interlocutors whose existence
+you have never suspected, though they have been addressing you from the
+first moment you began to think and contributing much of what you
+consider most original in your thought. These are the ghosts by whom you
+will henceforth be haunted, until, finally, they make you one of
+themselves and carry you to heaven in a whirlwind of fire. Farewell."
+
+Having said this, he instantly vanished, leaving behind him a faint
+odour of Havana cigars.
+
+At the same moment a marvellous change, the stages of which have left no
+record on my memory, passed over me. I found myself in the place where
+I am at this moment, this identical sheet of paper was under my hand,
+this pen was writing, and the ink of the last paragraph was still wet.
+
+
+
+
+THE MAGIC FORMULA
+
+
+I
+
+Many years ago I had a schoolfellow and bosom friend whom I knew as
+Billy, but whose name as it stood in the Register was William Xavier
+Plosive. Where his family came from, or where they got their outlandish
+name, I know not. From its rarity I infer that the Plosive stock has not
+multiplied lavishly on the earth. Only twice, since the days of my
+friendship with Billy, have I encountered that name. There is, or was, a
+wayside public-house in Devonshire, the landlord of which was a Plosive;
+it bore the sign of the "Dog and Ladle," which the signboard interpreted
+by a picture of a large retriever in precipitate flight with a tin ladle
+tied to his tail. The other Plosive of my acquaintance kept a shop in a
+Canadian city; he was a French half-breed, and, as I have heard, a great
+rascal.
+
+Billy's father was said to have been a Roman Catholic; and I infer from
+the name he bestowed on his son that he had a turn for waggishness of a
+sort. Plosive senior must have foreseen what would happen. No sooner, of
+course, was the name William X. Plosive seen on the outside of the poor
+boy's copy-books than a whisper passed through the whole school--"Billy
+Burst." And that name remained with him to the end. It was more
+appropriate than its bestowers knew.
+
+"_When_ did Billy burst?" "_Why_ did Billy burst?" "Will Billy burst
+again?" and a hundred questions of the like order were asked all day
+long apropos of nothing. They were shouted in the playground. They were
+whispered in the class. They broke the silence of the dormitory in the
+dead of night. With them we relieved our pent-up feelings in hours of
+tedium or of gloom. Introduced _pianissimo_, they profaned the daily
+half-hour devoted to the study of Divinity. Innumerable impositions
+followed in their train. One morning the Rev. Cyril Puttock, M.A., who
+"took" us in Divinity, saw written large on the blackboard in front of
+him these words: "What burst Billy?" I spent my next half-holiday in
+writing out the Beatitudes a hundred times.
+
+Billy and I slept in the same dormitory and our beds were side by side.
+Both of us were bad sleepers, and many a deep affinity did our souls
+discover in the silent watches of the night. As a place to observe the
+workings of telepathy I know of no spot on earth to compare with the
+dormitory of a boarding-school. The atmosphere of our dormitory was, if
+I may say so, in a state of chronic telepathic saturation, and the area
+where the currents ran strongest was in the space between Billy's bed
+and mine. This is the sort of thing that would go on:
+
+"Billy, are you awake?"
+
+"Yes; I knew _you_ were."
+
+"Shall we talk?"
+
+"I want to, ever so."
+
+"I say, we are going to have that beastly pudding for dinner to-morrow."
+
+"That's just what I want to talk about."
+
+"I've got an idea. Billy, I found out yesterday where they cook those
+puddings. They boil them in the copper of the outhouse, and the cook
+leaves them there while she looks after the rest of the dinner."
+
+"Ripping!" answered Billy. "_I'll_ tell you what we'll do.--Hush! Is old
+Ginger awake?--All right. Well, we'll sneak into the outhouse to-morrow
+when the cook isn't looking, pinch the puddings out of the copper and
+chuck 'em in the pond."
+
+"Why, Billy, that's just what I was going to say to you. But won't we
+scald ourselves?"
+
+"I've thought of that. We'll get the garden fork and jab it into the
+puddings. They boil 'em in bags, you know."
+
+"There's a better way than that. We'll get in before the copper has
+begun to boil."
+
+"I hadn't thought of that, _but I was just going to_," said Billy.
+"Yes, that's the way."
+
+Enterprises such as these, however, were episodic, and merely serve to
+show how great souls, born under the same star, and united in the grand
+trend of their life-directions, share also the minor details of their
+activity. The seat of our affinities lay deeper. Both Billy and I were
+persons with an "end" in life, and breathed in common the atmosphere of
+great designs. We were like two young trees planted side by side on a
+breezy hill-top. Our roots were in the same soil; our branches swayed to
+the same rhythm; we heard the same secrets from the whispering winds. We
+were always on the heights. Few were the days of our companionship when
+we were not infatuated about something or other; and I sometimes doubt
+whether even yet I have outgrown the habit, so deep was its spring in my
+own nature and so strong the reinforcement it received from the
+influence of Billy. Sometimes we were infatuated about the same thing;
+and sometimes each of us struck out an independent line of his own; but
+always we were the victims of one mania or another.
+
+At the time this history begins the particular mania that afflicted me
+was the collecting of tramcar tickets. My friends used to save them for
+me; I begged them from passengers as they alighted from the cars; I
+picked them up in the street; and I had over seven thousand collected in
+a box. I thought that when the sum had risen to ten thousand the goal of
+my existence would be reached; and it may be said that I lived for
+little else.
+
+Billy's mania was astronomy. He would spend the hours of his playtime
+lying on his stomach with a map of the stars spread out before him on
+the floor. Billy was a great astronomer--in secret. On the very day when
+he and I were being initiated into the mysteries of Decimals, he
+whispered to me in class, "I say, I wonder how people found out the
+weight of the planets." He was an absent-minded boy, and many a clout on
+the head did he receive at this time for paying no attention to what
+was going on in class. Little did the master know what Billy was
+thinking of as he stared at the wall before him with his great, dreamy
+eyes--and not for ten thousand worlds would Billy have told him. He was
+thinking about the weight of the planets, and the problem lay heavy on
+his soul; and Billy grew ever more absent-minded, and spent more time on
+his stomach every day. At last he suddenly waked up and began to get
+top-marks not only in Arithmetic but in every other subject as well. And
+later on, when we came to the Quadratic Equations and the Higher
+Geometry, the master was amazed to find that Billy required no teaching
+at all.
+
+"What has happened to Billy?" asked somebody; and the answer came, "Why,
+of course, Billy has _burst_."
+
+So he had. Billy had found out "how they weighed the planets," and the
+mass of darkness that oppressed him had been blown away in the
+explosion. About the same time I burst also. On counting up my tickets
+I found there were ten thousand of them.
+
+Then came a pause, during which Billy and I wandered about in dry places
+seeking rest and finding none. Life lost its spring and the world seemed
+very flat, stale, and unprofitable. Conversation flagged, or became
+provocative of irritable rejoinders. "I say, what are you going to do
+with all those tramcar tickets?" asked Billy one day. "Oh, shut up!" I
+replied. Shortly afterwards it was my turn. "Billy, tell me what they
+mean by 'sidereal time.'" "Oh, shut up!" said he.
+
+We were both waiting for the new birth, or the new explosion, utterly
+unconscious of our condition. But the Powers-that-be were maturing their
+preparations, and, all being complete, they put the match to the train
+in the following manner.
+
+The usual exchange of measles and whooping-cough had been going on in
+our school, and Billy and I being convalescent from the latter
+complaint, to which we had both succumbed at the same time, were sent
+out one day to take an airing in the Park. On passing down a certain
+walk, shaded by planes, we noticed a very old gentleman seated in a
+bath-chair which had been wheeled under the shadow of one of the trees.
+He sat in the chair with his head bent forward on his chest, and his
+wasted hands were spread out on the cover. He seemed an image of
+decrepitude, a symbol of approaching death. He was absolutely still. A
+young woman on the bench beside him was reading aloud from a book.
+
+I think it was the immobility of the old man that first arrested our
+attention. The moment we saw him we stopped dead in our walk and stood,
+motionless as the figure before us, staring at what we saw. We just
+stared without thinking, but even at this long distance I can remember a
+vague emotion that stirred me, as though I had suddenly heard the wings
+of time beating over my innocent head, or as though a faint scent of
+death had arisen in the air around; such, I suppose, as horses or dogs
+may feel when they pass over the spot where a man has been slain.
+
+Suddenly Billy Burst clutched my arm--he had a habit of doing that.
+
+"I say," he whispered, "let's go up to him and _ask him to tell us the
+time_."
+
+We crept up to the bath-chair like two timid animals, literally sniffing
+the air as we went. Neither the old man nor his companion had noticed
+us, and it was not until we had both stopped in front of them that the
+reader looked up from her book. The old man was still unaware of our
+presence.
+
+"If you please," said Billy, "would you mind telling us the time?"
+
+At the sound of Billy's voice the old man seemed to wake from his dream.
+He lifted his head and listened, as though he heard himself summoned
+from a far point in space; and his eyes wandered vaguely from side to
+side unable to focus the speaker. Then they fell on Billy and his gaze
+was arrested.
+
+Now Billy was a beautiful person--_the very image of his mater_. The
+eyes of the houri were his, the lids slightly elevated at the outer
+angle; he had the mouth of them that are born to speak good things; and
+about his brow there played a light which made you dream of high Olympus
+and of ancestors who had lived with the gods. Yes, there was a star on
+Billy's forehead; and this star it was that arrested the gaze of the old
+man.
+
+A look of indescribable pleasure overspread the withered face. It almost
+seemed as if, for a moment, youth returned to him, or as if a breath of
+spring had awakened in the midst of the winter's frost.
+
+"The time, laddie?" said he, "Why, yes, of course I can give you the
+time; as much of it as you want. For, don't you see, I'm a very old
+fellow--ninety-one last birthday; which I should think is not more than
+eighty years older than you, my little man. So I've plenty of time to
+spare. But don't take too much of it, my laddie. It's not good for
+little chaps like you. Now, _how much_ of the time would you like?"
+
+"The _correct_ time, if you please, sir," said Billy, ignoring the
+quantitative form in which the question had been framed.
+
+So the old gentleman gave us the correct time. When we had passed on, I
+looked back and saw that he was talking eagerly to his companion and
+pointing at Billy.
+
+"I'll tell you what," said Billy as soon as we were out of hearing.
+"I've found out something. _It does old gentlemen good to ask them the
+time._ Let's ask some more."
+
+So for an hour or more we wandered about looking out for old
+gentlemen--"to do them good." Several whom we met were rejected by Billy
+on the ground that they were not old enough, and allowed to pass
+unquestioned. Some three or four came up to the standard, and at each
+experiment we found that our magic formula worked with wonderful
+success. It provoked smiles and kind words; it pleased the old
+gentlemen; it did them good. Old hands were laid on young shoulders; old
+faces lit up; old watches were pulled out of old pockets. One was a
+marvel with a long inscription on the gold back of it. And the old
+gentleman showed us the inscription, which stated that the watch had
+been presented to him by his supporters for his services to political
+progress and for the gallant way in which he had fought the election at
+So-and-so in 1867. Yes, it did the old gentlemen good. But, be it
+observed, Billy was the spokesman every time.
+
+From that time onward, Billy and I were Masters in Magic, no less,
+infatuated with our calling and devoted to our formula. The star-books
+were bundled into Billy's play-box; the ten thousand tramcar tickets
+were thrown into the fire.
+
+Never since the world began, thought we, had a more glorious game been
+invented, never had so important an enterprise been conceived by the wit
+of man and entrusted to two apostles twelve years old. A world-wide
+mission to old gentlemen was ours. Who would have believed there were so
+many of them? They seemed to spring into existence, to gather themselves
+from the four quarters of the earth, in order that they might receive
+the healing touch of our formula. We met them in the street, in the
+Park, by the river, at the railway station, coming out of
+church--everywhere. And all were completely in our power. Oh, it was
+magnificent!
+
+So it went on for three or four weeks. But a shock was in store for us.
+
+At first, as I have said, Billy was the spokesman. But there came a day
+when it seemed good that some independence of action should be
+introduced into the partnership. Billy went one way and I another.
+
+Going on alone, I presently espied an old gentleman, of promising
+antiquity, walking briskly down one of the gravel paths. He was
+intermittently reading a newspaper. Trotting up behind him, I observed
+that in the intervals of his reading he would be talking to himself. He
+would read for half a minute and then, whipping the newspaper behind his
+back, begin to declaim, as though he were making a speech, quickening
+his pace meanwhile, so that I was hard put to it to keep up with him.
+Indeed I had to run, and was out of breath when, coming up alongside, I
+popped out my question, "If you please, sir, what o'clock is it?"
+
+"Go to the devil!" growled the old ruffian. And without pausing even to
+look at me he strode on, continuing his declamation, of which I happen
+to remember very distinctly these words: "I cannot, my Lords, I will
+not, join in congratulating the government on the disgrace into which
+they have brought the country." I recall these words because they
+resembled something in a speech of Chatham's which I had to learn by
+heart at school, and I remember wondering whether the old gentleman was
+trying to learn the same speech and getting it wrong, or whether he was
+making up something of his own.
+
+Be that as it may, I had received a blow and my fondest illusion was
+shattered. I was personally insulted. As a professional magician I was
+flouted, and my calling dishonoured. And, worst of all, the magic had
+broken down. For the first time the formula had failed to work--had done
+the old gentleman _no good_. It cut me to the heart.
+
+I ran about in great distress, seeking Billy, whom finding presently I
+informed in general terms of what had happened.
+
+"What did you say to the old beast?" asked Billy.
+
+"I said, 'If you please, sir, what o'clock is it?'"
+
+"Oh, you ass!" cried Billy. "_Those are the wrong words._ If you'd said,
+'Would you mind telling me the time?' he'd have gone down like a
+ninepin. Only cads say 'what o'clock.' He thought you were a cad! Oh,
+you idiot! Leave me to do it next time."
+
+Thus it came to pass that the partnership was resumed on its old basis,
+with Billy as the predominant member and spokesman of the Firm.
+
+And now we entered on what I still regard as an enterprise of pith and
+moment. We determined, after long colloquy in the bedroom, to waylay
+this recalcitrant old gentleman once more, and repeat our question in
+its proper form, and with Billy as spokesman. Had I been alone, my
+courage would certainly have failed to carry me through. But with Billy
+at my side I was never afraid of anything either then or afterwards. O
+Billy, if only you had been with me--then--and then--if only I had felt
+your presence when the great waters went over me, if only I could have
+seen your tilted dreaming eyes when--I would have made a better thing of
+it, indeed I would! But one was taken and the other left; and I had to
+fight those battles alone--alone, but not forgetful of you. I did not
+fight them very well, Billy; and yet not so ill as I should have done
+had I never known you.
+
+Well, for several days the declaiming gentleman, whom we now knew as
+"the old beast," and never called by any other name, failed to appear.
+But at last we caught sight of him, striding along and violently
+whipping his newspaper behind his back, just as before.
+
+On the former occasion, when I was alone, I had operated from the rear,
+but with Billy in support, I proposed that we should attack from the
+front. So we threw ourselves in his path and marched steadily to meet
+him. On he came, and as he drew near, down went the newspaper, and, as
+though he were spitting poison, he hissed out from between his teeth a
+fearful sentence, of which the last words were: "the most iniquitous
+government that has ever betrayed and abused the confidence of a
+sovereign people"--staring meanwhile straight over our heads.
+
+"If you please, sir," said Billy in his singing voice, "would you mind
+telling us the time?"
+
+"Go to----" But at that moment the gentleman lowered his fierce old eyes
+and encountered the gaze of Billy, who was standing full in his path.
+
+Have you ever seen a wild beast suddenly grow tame? I have not, but I
+saw something like it on the occasion of which I speak. Never did a
+swifter or more astonishing change pass over the countenance of any
+human being. I really think the old fellow suffered a physical shock,
+for he stepped back two paces and looked for a moment like one who has
+been seriously hurt. Then he recovered himself; lowered his spectacles
+to the tip of his nose; gazed over them, at me for a moment, at Billy
+for a quarter of a minute, and finally broke out into a hearty laugh.
+
+"Well," he exclaimed, in the merriest of voices, "you're a couple of
+young rascals. What are your names, and how old are you, and what school
+do you belong to, and who are your fathers?"
+
+We answered his questions in a fairly business-like manner until we came
+to that about the fathers. Here there was an interlude. For Billy had to
+explain, in succession, that he had no father, and no mother, and no
+brothers, and no sisters--indeed, no relations at all that he knew of.
+And there was some emotion at this point.
+
+"Bless my soul," said the old gentleman, "that's very sad--very sad
+indeed. But who pays for your schooling?"
+
+"A friend of my mater's," said Billy. "He's very good to me and has me
+to his house for the holidays."
+
+"And gives you plenty of pocket-money?"
+
+"Lots," answered Billy.
+
+The old gentleman ruminated, and there was more emotion.
+
+"Then you are not an unhappy boy?" he said at length.
+
+"Not a bit," answered Billy.
+
+"Thank God for that! Thank God for that! I should be very sorry to learn
+you were unhappy. I hope you never will be. You don't _look_ unhappy."
+
+"I'm not," repeated Billy.
+
+All this time the old gentleman seemed quite unconscious of my
+existence. But I was not hurt by that. I was well used to being
+overlooked when Billy was with me, and never questioned for a moment the
+justice of the arrangement. But now the old gentleman seemed to
+recollect himself.
+
+"What was it you asked me just now?" said he.
+
+"We asked if you would mind telling us the time."
+
+"Ha, just so. Now are you quite sure that what you asked for is what you
+want? You said '_the_ time' not 'time.' For you must know, my dears,
+that there's a great difference between 'time' and '_the_ time.'"
+
+Billy and I looked at each other, perplexed and disgusted--perplexed by
+the subtle distinction just drawn by the old gentleman; disgusted at
+being addressed as "my dears." ("He might as well have given us a kiss
+while he was about it," we thought.)
+
+"We want _the_ time, if you please," we said at length.
+
+"What, _the whole of it_?" said the old gentleman.
+
+"No," answered Billy, "we only want the bit of it that's going on now."
+
+"Which bit is that?" said our venerable friend.
+
+"That's just what we want to know," answered Billy.
+
+This fairly floored the old gentleman. "You'll be a great Parliamentary
+debater one day, my boy," he said, "but the bit of time that's going on
+now is not an easy thing to catch. My watch can't catch it."
+
+"Give us the best your watch can do," answered Billy.
+
+This made the old fellow laugh again. "Better and better," said he.
+"Well, the best my watch can do is a quarter past twelve. And that
+reminds me that you two young scamps have made me late for an
+appointment. Now be good boys, both of you; and don't forget to write
+every week to your moth--to your friends. And put that in your pockets."
+Whereupon he gave each of us half-a-sovereign.
+
+We walked on in silence, not pondering what had happened, for we
+pondered nothing in those days, but serenely conscious of triumph. A
+potent secret was in our hands and the world was at our feet.
+
+"It worked," said Billy at length.
+
+"Rather!" I answered.
+
+"It did him good."
+
+"Rather!"
+
+"We beat him."
+
+"Rather!"
+
+Presently we were greeted by the Park-keeper, who was a friend of ours.
+
+"Well, young hopefuls," he said, "and who have you been asking the time
+of to-day?"
+
+We pointed to the old gentleman whose figure was still visible in the
+distance.
+
+"Him!" cried the Park-keeper. "Well, bless your rascal impudence! Do you
+know who _he_ is?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Why, he's Lord----."
+
+The name mentioned was that of a distinguished member of the Cabinet
+which had recently gone out of office.
+
+Did we quail and cower at the mention of that mighty name? Did we cover
+ourselves with confusion? Not we.
+
+"I'm awfully glad we asked him," said Billy as we walked away.
+
+"So am I--I say, Billy, I wish we could meet the Pope. He's jolly old,
+and I'll bet he's jolly miserable, too."
+
+"You shut up about his being miserable," answered Billy, who, as we
+know, was a Roman Catholic. "He ain't half as miserable as the
+Archbishop of Canterbury. I wish we could meet _him_!"
+
+"Or the Emperor of Germany," I suggested.
+
+"Yes, he'd do. I'd ask him, and you bet he'd tell us. But"--and here
+Billy's manner became explosive--"I'll tell you what! _I wish we could
+meet God!_ He's a jolly sight older than the Pope, or the Archbishop of
+Canterbury, or the Emperor of Germany. I believe he'd like to be asked
+more than any of them. And I'd ask him like a shot!"
+
+"But _he's_ not miserable," I interposed.
+
+"How do you know he isn't--_sometimes_? It would do him good anyhow."
+
+I was getting out of my depth. As a speculator I had none of the
+boldness which prompted the explosions of Billy, and an instinct of
+decency suggested a change of conversation.
+
+"What shall we do with those half-sovereigns?" I asked.
+
+"Hush!" said Billy, "_they'll_ hear you."
+
+"Who'll hear me?"
+
+"Never mind who. They're listening, you bet. Never say 'half-sovereigns'
+again."
+
+"But what are we to do with them?"
+
+"Keep them. Let's put a cross on each of them at once."
+
+So we took out the coins, and with our penknives we scratched a cross on
+the cheek of her gracious Majesty, Queen Victoria.
+
+Both coins are now in my possession. The cross on the cheek of Queen
+Victoria has worked wonders. It has brought me good luck. In return I
+have hedged the coins with safeguards both moral and material. When I am
+gone they will be----But I am anticipating.
+
+And now the fever was in full possession of our souls. I believe we were
+secretly determined to bring all the old gentlemen in the world under
+the sway of our formula. We were beneficent magicians. Had we been
+older, a vast prospect of social regeneration would have opened before
+us. But all we knew at the time was that we possessed a power for
+rejuvenating the aged. An ardent missionary fervour burned in our bones;
+and we were swept along as by a whirlwind. Never was infatuation more
+complete.
+
+As a preliminary step to the accomplishment of these great designs we
+resolved to ask ten thousand old gentlemen to tell us the time. Making a
+calculation, we reckoned that, at the normal rate of progress, nine
+years would be required to complete the task. We were a little
+disconcerted, and, in order to expedite matters, we resolved to include
+old ladies, and any young persons of either sex with grey hair, or who,
+in our opinion, showed other signs of prematurely growing old. This led
+on to further extensions. We agreed, first, that anyone who looked
+"miserable" should have the benefit of our formula; next, that all
+limitations whatsoever, save one, should be withdrawn, and the formula
+allowed a universal application. The outstanding limitation was that
+nobody should be asked the question until he had been previously viewed
+by Billy, who was a psychologist, and pronounced by him to be "the right
+sort." What constituted the "right sort" we never succeeded in
+defining; enough that Billy knew the "right sort" when he saw it and
+never made a mistake. We believed that all mankind were divided into two
+classes, the sheep and the goats; in other words, those who were worthy
+to be asked the time and those who were not, and Billy was the
+infallible judge for separating them the one from the other. To ask the
+question of any person was to seal that person's election and to put
+upon him the stamp of immortality.
+
+I believed, and still believe, that many whom we accosted were instantly
+conscious of a change for the better in their general conditions. Years
+afterwards I met a man who remembered these things and bore testimony to
+the good we had done him. "It so happened," said he, "that just before I
+met you boys, that day, I had been speculating heavily on the Stock
+Exchange and had had a run of infernal bad luck. But the moment that
+little chap with the tilted eyes spoke to me I said to myself, 'The
+clouds are breaking.' And, by George, sir, my luck turned that very
+day. I walked straight to the telegraph office and sent my broker a wire
+which netted me a matter of L7000."
+
+As became a firm of business-like magicians, Billy and I kept books,
+duly averaged and balanced, entering in them day by day the names of the
+persons to whom we had applied the formula. Are the names worthy of
+being recorded? Perhaps not. But a few specimens will do no harm and may
+incidentally serve to reveal the scope and catholicity of our
+operations. One of these books is before me now, and here are a few of
+the names, culled almost at random from its pages. It will be observed
+that in the last group our faculty of invention gave out and we were
+compelled to plagiarise.
+
+Mr Smoky, Mr Shinytopper, Uncle Jelly-bones, Aunt Ginger, Lady
+Peppermint, Bishop Butter, Canon Sweaty, Dirty Boots, Holy Toad, Satan,
+Old Hurry, Old Bless-my-soul, Old Chronometer, Miss No-watch, Dr Beard,
+Lord Splutters, Aurora, Mrs Proud, Polly Sniggers, Diamond Pin, Cigar,
+Cuttyperoozle, Jim, Alfred Dear! Mr Just-engaged, Miss Ditto, Mr
+Catch-his-train, Mr Hot, The Reverend Hum, The Reverend Ha-ha,
+So-there-you-be, Mrs Robin, Mr High-mind, Mr Love-lust, Mr Heady.
+
+
+II
+
+All of a sudden, and in the most unexpected manner, these vast designs
+of ours contracted their dimensions, or, as one might say, our outlook
+became focussed on a solitary point. From a world-wide mission to all
+mankind we narrowed down at a single stroke to a concentrated operation
+on a strictly limited class. But I can tell you that what our mission
+lost in scope it gained in intensity. You shall hear how all this
+happened and judge for yourself.
+
+One night Billy and I were lying awake as usual, and the question "shall
+we talk?" had been asked and duly answered in the affirmative. We had
+raised ourselves in bed, leaning toward each other, and the telepathic
+current was running strong.
+
+"Billy," I whispered, "I've got a ripping notion, a regular stunner. I'm
+bursting to tell you."
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"Put your ear a little closer, Billy, and listen like mad. Suppose you
+were to meet a beautiful woman--_what would you do_?"
+
+Quick as thought came the answer--"I should ask her to tell me the
+time."
+
+"Why, that's _exactly_ what _I_ should do. We'll do it, the very next
+time we meet one. And, Billy, I'm sure we shall meet one _soon_."
+
+"So am I."
+
+Next day, the instant we were freed from school we bolted for the Park,
+exalted in spirit and full of resolution. A lovely Presence floated in
+the light above us and accompanied us as we ran. Arrived in the Park, we
+seemed to have reached the threshold of a new world. We stood on a peak
+in Darien; and before us there shimmered an enchanted sea lit by the
+softest of lights and tinted with the fairest of colours. Forces as old
+as the earth and as young as the dawn were stirring within us; the
+breath of spring was in our souls, and a vision of living beauty, seen
+only in the faintest of glimpses, lured us on.
+
+Think not that we lacked discrimination. "Let's wait, Billy," I said, as
+he made a dart forward at a girl in a white frock, "till we find one
+beautiful _enough_. That one won't do. Look at the size of her feet."
+
+"_Whackers!_" said he, checking himself. And then he made a remark which
+I have often thought was the strangest thing Billy ever uttered. "I
+wouldn't be surprised," came the solemn whisper, "_if her feet were made
+of clay_."
+
+So day by day we ranged the Park, sometimes together, sometimes
+separate, possessed of one thought only--that of a woman beautiful
+enough _to be asked the time_. Hundreds of faces--and forms--were
+examined, sometimes to the surprise of their owners; but the more we
+examined, the more inexorable, the more difficult to satisfy, became our
+ideal. At each fresh contact with reality it rose higher and outran the
+facts of life, until we were on the point of concluding that the world
+contained no woman beautiful enough to be asked the time. Never were
+women stared at with greater innocence of heart, but never were they
+judged by a more fastidious taste. And yet we had no definable
+criterion. Of each new specimen examined all we could say was, "That one
+won't do." But _why_ she wouldn't do we didn't know. We never disagreed.
+What wouldn't do for Billy wouldn't do for me, and _vice versa_.
+
+Once we met a charming little girl about our own age, walking all alone.
+"That's the one!" cried I. "Come on, Billy."
+
+I started forward, Billy close behind. Presently he clutched my jacket,
+"Stop!" he said, "_What if she has no watch?_"
+
+The little girl was running away.
+
+"We've frightened her," said Billy, who was a little gentleman. "We're
+two beasts."
+
+"She heard what you said about the watch," I answered, "and thought we
+wanted to steal it. She had one after all. Billy, we've lost our
+chance."
+
+As we went home that day, something gnawed cruelly at our hearts. Things
+had gone wrong. An ideal world had been on the point of realisation, and
+a freak of contingency had spoiled it. In another moment "time" would
+have been revealed to us by one worthy to make the revelation. But the
+sudden thought of a watch had ruined all. Once more we had tasted the
+tragic quality of life.
+
+With ardour damped but not extinguished, we continued the quest day
+after day. But we were now half-hearted and we became aware of a strange
+falling-off in the beauty of the ladies who frequented the Park.
+
+"We shall never find her here," said Billy. "Let's try the walk down by
+the river. They are better-looking down there, especially on Sunday
+afternoon. And I'll bet you most of them have watches."
+
+The very day on which Billy made this proposal another nasty thing
+happened to us. We were summoned into the Headmaster's study and
+informed that complaints had reached him concerning two boys who were
+in the habit of walking about in the Park and staring in the rudest
+manner at the young ladies, and making audible remarks about their
+personal appearance. Were we the culprits? We confessed that we were.
+What did we mean by it? We were silent: not for a whole Archipelago
+packed full of buried treasure would we have answered that question. Did
+we consider it conduct worthy of gentlemen? We said we did not, though
+as a matter of fact we did. Dark hints of flagitiousness were thrown
+out, which our innocence wholly failed to comprehend. The foolish man
+then gave himself away by telling us that whenever we met Miss
+Overbury's school on their daily promenade we were to walk on the other
+side of the road.
+
+Billy and I exchanged meaning glances: we knew now who had complained
+(as though we would ever think of asking _them_ to tell us the time!).
+Finally we were forbidden, under threat of corporal chastisement, to
+enter the Park under any pretexts or circumstances whatsoever.
+
+"The old spouter doesn't know," said I to Billy as we left the room,
+"that we've already made up our minds not to go there again. What a
+'suck-in' for him!"
+
+Necessity having thus combined with choice, the scene of our quest was
+now definitely shifted to the river-bank, where a broad winding path,
+with seats at intervals, ran under the willows. Here a new order of
+beauty seemed to present itself, and our hopes ran high. Several
+promising candidates presented themselves at once. One, I remember, wore
+a scarlet feather; another carried a gray muff. The scarlet feather was
+my fancy; the gray muff Billy's.
+
+I think it was on the occasion of our third visit to the river that the
+crisis came. We sat down on the bank and held a long consultation.
+"Well," said Billy at last, "I'm willing to ask Scarlet Feather. She's
+ripping. Her _nose_ takes the cake; but, mind you, Gray Muff has the
+prettier _boots_. And I know Scarlet Feather has a watch--I saw the
+chain when we passed her just now. But before deciding I'm going to
+have another look at Gray Muff. She's just round the bend. You wait
+here--I'll be back in half a second."
+
+I was left alone, and for some minutes I continued to gaze at the
+flowing stream in front of me. Suddenly I saw, dancing about on the
+surface of the water--but doubtless the whole thing was hallucination!
+My nerves were in high tension at the moment, and in those days I could
+have dreams without going to sleep.
+
+The dream was interrupted by the sudden return of Billy. He was white as
+the tablecloth and trembling all over.
+
+"Come on!" he gasped. "I've found the very one! Quick, quick, or she'll
+be gone!"
+
+"Is it Gray Muff?" I asked.
+
+"No, no. It's another. The Very One, I tell you. The One we've been
+looking for."
+
+"Billy," I said, "I've just seen a Good One too. She was dancing about
+on the water."
+
+"Oh, rot!" cried Billy. "Mine's the One! Come on, I say! I'm certain she
+won't wait. She looked as though she wouldn't sit still for a single
+minute."
+
+"What is she like, Billy?" I asked as we hurried away.
+
+"She's--_oh, she's the exact image of my mater_!" he said.
+
+Billy's mater had died about a year ago. At the age of twelve I had been
+deeply in love with her, and to this hour her image remains with me as
+the type of all that is most lovely and commendable in woman. O Billy's
+mater, will these eyes ever see you again? How glad I am to remember
+you! I know where you lie buried, but I doubt if there lives another
+soul who could find your resting-place. Harshly were you judged and
+conveniently were you forgotten! But I will scatter lilies on your grave
+this very night.
+
+Well, we ran with all our might. Scarlet Feather, Gray Muff, and the
+dancing "good one" on the surface of the water were clean forgotten as
+if they had never existed--as perhaps one of them never did. "_Just_
+like my mater!" Billy kept gasping. "Hurry up! I tell you she won't
+wait! She's on the seat watching the water; no, not _that_ seat. It's
+round the next bend but one."
+
+We turned the bend and came in sight of the seat where Billy had seen
+what he saw. The seat was empty. We looked round us: not a soul was in
+sight. We checked our pace and in utter silence, and very slowly, crept
+up to the empty seat, gazing round us as we walked. Was there ever such
+a melancholy walk! Oh, what a _Via Dolorosa_ we found it! Arrived at the
+seat, Billy felt it all over with his hands and, finding nothing, flung
+himself face downwards on the turf and uttered the most lamentable cry I
+have ever heard.
+
+"I knew she wouldn't wait," he moaned. "Oh, why weren't we quicker! Oh,
+why didn't I ask her the time the minute I saw her!"
+
+As, shattered and silent, we crawled back to school, continually
+loitering to gaze at a world that was all hateful, I realised with a
+feeling of awe that I had become privy to something deep in Billy's
+soul. And I inwardly resolved that, so far as I could, I would set the
+matter right, and put friendship on a footing of true equality, by
+telling Billy the deepest secret of _mine_.
+
+"Billy," I said, as we lay wakeful in the small hours of the next
+morning, "come and stay with us next holidays, _and I will show you
+something_."
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"You wait and see."
+
+The great adventure was over. It had ended in disaster and tears. Never
+again did Billy and I ask any human being to tell us the time.
+
+
+III
+
+In those days I was a great metaphysician. Unassisted by any
+philosopher, ancient or modern, I had made a discovery in the
+metaphysical line. This discovery was _my_ secret.
+
+In the church-tower of the village where I was nurtured there was an
+ancient and curious clock, said to have been brought from Spain by a
+former owner of the parish. This clock was worked by an enormous
+pendulum which hung down, through a slit in the ceiling, into the body
+of the church, swinging to and fro at the west end of the nave. Its
+motion was even and beautiful; and the sight of it fascinated me
+continually through the hours of divine service. To those who were not
+attentive, the pendulum was inaudible; but if you listened you could
+detect a gentle tick, tock, between the pauses of the hymns or the
+parson's voice. "Let us pray," said the parson. "Tick," whispered the
+pendulum. "We beseech Thee--" cried the clerk, (tick!);--"to hear us,
+good Lord" (tock!). The clerk had unconsciously fallen into the habit of
+timing his cadence in the responses to correspond with these whispers of
+the pendulum. For my part, I used to think that this correspondence was
+the most beautiful arrangement in the universe. I loved the even motion
+of the pendulum; but I loved the faithful whispers more. To this day I
+have only to shut my eyes on entering a village church, and sit still
+for half a minute, and sure enough, stealing through the silence, comes
+the "tick, tock" of that ancient pendulum.
+
+Of all the religious instruction I received during the eight or nine
+years we attended that church I confess I have not the faintest
+recollection. I cannot remember whether the sermons were good or bad,
+long or short, high, low, or broad. I know they never wearied me, for I
+never listened to a word that was said. The pendulum saw to that. There
+were two parsons in our time. The first, I have heard, was a very good
+man, but by no effort of memory can I recall what he was like. The
+second I do remember, and could draw his face on this sheet of paper,
+were I to try. I respected and admired him, not, I am sorry to say, for
+the purity of his life or his faithfulness in preaching the Gospel, but
+because he had fought and licked our gardener, whom I detested, outside
+the village Pub. With a little concentration of mind I can reconstruct
+the scene in church during this parson's tenure of office. I can see the
+rascal eminent in his pulpit, plodding through his task. I can hear the
+thud of the hymn-book which my father used to toss into the clerk's pew
+when he thought the sermon had lasted long enough: immediately the
+sermon stops and a great bull-voice roars out, "Now to God the Father,"
+and so on. But all such incidents are as a fringe to the main theme of
+my memory--the restless curve of the swinging disc, and the whispered
+syllables of Time.
+
+The question that haunted me was this: Did the pendulum _stop_ on
+reaching the highest point of the ascending arc? Did it pause before
+beginning the descent? And if it stopped, did _time_ stop with it? I
+answered both questions in the affirmative. Well, then, what was a
+_second_? Did the stoppage at the end of the swing make the second, or
+was the second made by the swing, the movement between the two points of
+rest? I concluded that it was the stoppage. For, mark you, it _takes_ a
+second for the pendulum to reach the stopping point on either side;
+therefore there can be no second till that point is reached; the second
+must _wait_ for the stoppage to do the business. I saw no other way of
+getting _any_ seconds. And if no seconds, no minutes; and if no
+minutes, no hours, no days, and therefore no time at all--which is
+absurd.
+
+I found great peace in this conclusion; but none the less I continued to
+support it by collateral reasonings, and by observation. In particular I
+determined, for reasons of my own, to make a careful survey of the hands
+of the clock. With this object I borrowed my father's field-glass, and,
+retiring to a convenient point of observation, focussed it on the
+clock-face. Instantly a startling phenomenon sprang into view. I saw
+that the big hand of the clock, instead of moving evenly as it seemed to
+do when viewed by the naked eye, was visibly _jerking_ on its way, in
+time with the seconds that were being ticked off by the pendulum inside.
+By George, the hand was going jerk, jerk! The pendulum and the hand were
+moving together! Jerk went the hand: then a pause. What's happening now?
+thought I. Why the pendulum has just ticked and is going to tock. Tock
+it goes and--there you are!--jerk goes the hand again. "Why, of course,"
+I said to myself, "that proves it. The hand _stops_, as well as the
+pendulum. The evidence of the hand corroborates the evidence of the
+pendulum. The seconds _must_ be the stoppages. They can't be anything
+else. There's nothing else for them to be. I'll tell Billy Burst this
+very day! But no, I won't. I'll wait till the holidays and _show_ it
+him."
+
+Such was the secret which I resolved to impart to Billy in return for
+what he had disclosed to me.
+
+Some months after this amazing discovery Billy came down for the
+holidays. He arrived late in the afternoon, and I could hardly restrain
+my impatience while he was having his tea. Hardly had he swallowed the
+last mouthful when I had him by the jacket. "Come on, Billy," I cried.
+"I'm going to show you something"--and we ran together to the church.
+Arrived there, I placed him in front of the pendulum, which seemed to be
+swinging that afternoon with an even friendlier motion than usual.
+
+"There!" I said, "look at him."
+
+Billy stood spell-bound. Oh, you should have seen his face! You should
+have seen his eyes slowly moving their lambent lights as they followed
+the rhythm of the pendulum from side to side. If Billy was hypnotised by
+the pendulum, I was hypnotised by Billy. Suddenly he clutched my arm in
+his wonted way.
+
+"I say," he whispered, "_it knows us_. Here, old chap" (addressing the
+pendulum), "you know us, don't you? You're glad to see us, aren't you?"
+
+"Tick, tock," said the pendulum.
+
+"Can't he talk--just!" said Billy. "Look at his eye! He winked at me
+that time, I'll swear." And, by the Powers, the very next time the
+pendulum reached the top of the arc I saw the crumpled metal in the
+middle of the disc double itself up and wink at _me_ also, plain as
+plain.
+
+"Billy," I said, "if we stare at him much longer we shall both go
+cracked. Let's go into the churchyard. I've something else to show
+you."
+
+So to the churchyard we went, and there, among the mouldering
+tombstones, I expounded to Billy my new theory as to the nature of Time,
+reserving the crowning evidence until Billy had grasped the main
+principle.
+
+"So you see," I concluded, "the seconds are the stoppages."
+
+"There aren't any stoppages," said he. "Pendulums don't stop."
+
+"How can they go down after coming up unless they stop between?" I
+asked.
+
+"Wait till you get to the Higher Mathematics."
+
+"Then where do the seconds come in?"
+
+"They don't _come_ in: they _are_ in all along."
+
+"Then," I said triumphantly, "look at that clock face. Can't you see how
+the big hand goes jerk, jerk?"
+
+"Well, what of that?"
+
+"What of that? Why, if the seconds aren't the stoppages, what becomes of
+time between the jerks?"
+
+"Why," answered Billy, "_it's plugging ahead all the time_."
+
+"All _what_ time?" I countered, convinced now that I had him in a
+vicious circle.
+
+"Blockhead!" cried Billy. "Don't you remember what that old Johnny told
+us in the Park? There's all the difference in the world between _the_
+time and _time_."
+
+"I'll bet you can't tell me what the difference is."
+
+"Yes, I can. It's the difference between the pendulum and the
+clock-hand. Look at the jerking old idiot! _That_ thing can't talk;
+_that_ thing can't wink; _that_ thing doesn't know us. Why, you silly,
+it only does what the pendulum tells it to do. The pendulum _knows_ what
+it's doing. But _that_ thing doesn't. Here, let's go back into the
+church and have another talk with the jolly old chap!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ten years later when Billy, barely twenty-three, had half finished a
+book which would have made him famous, I handed him an essay by a
+distinguished philosopher, and requested him to read it. The title was
+"On translating Time into Eternity." When Billy returned it, I asked him
+how he had fared. "Oh," he answered, "I translated time into eternity
+without much difficulty. _But it was plugging ahead all the time._"
+
+Shortly after that, Billy rejoined his mater--a victim to the same
+disease. Poor Billy! You brought luck to others; God knows you had
+little yourself. He died in a hospital, without kith or kin to close his
+eyes. The Sister who attended him brought me a small purse which she
+said Billy had very urgently requested her to give me. On opening the
+purse I found in it a gold coin, marked with a cross. The nurse also
+told me that an hour before he died Billy sat up suddenly in his bed
+and, opening his eyes very wide, said in a singing voice:
+
+"If you please, Sir, would you mind telling me the time?"
+
+
+
+
+ALL MEN ARE GHOSTS
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+DR PIECRAFT BECOMES CONFUSED
+
+    "'To be or not to be--that is the _question_,' said Hamlet:
+    'To be is not to be--that is the _answer_,' said Hegel."
+
+
+Dr Phippeny Piecraft invented this couplet one night for his own
+edification, as, inert in body and despondent in mind, he lay back in
+the arm-chair of his consulting-room. "There is more point," he went on,
+"in Hamlet's 'question' than in Hegel's 'answer.' But the gospel is not
+in either. Both are futile as physic. At all events, neither of them
+brings any consolation to me."
+
+Dr Piecraft was reflecting on the hardness of his lot. Ten years had
+elapsed since he first mounted his brass plate, and he was still
+virtually without a practice. He earned just enough from casual
+patients to pay his rent and keep body and soul together. To be sure,
+his father had left him a hundred a year; but Piecraft had given the old
+man a promise "that he would look after Jim." Now Jim was a
+half-brother, many years younger than himself; and he was also the one
+being in the world whom Piecraft loved with an undivided heart. So the
+whole of his income from that source was ear-marked for the boy's
+education; not for worlds would the doctor have spent a penny of it on
+himself. He even denied himself cigars, of which he was exceedingly
+fond, restricting himself to the cheapest of tobacco, in order that Jim
+might have plenty of pocket-money; and whenever the question arose as to
+who was to have a new suit of clothes, Jim or the doctor, it was always
+Jim who went smart and the doctor who went shabby.
+
+He was over forty years of age, and, in his own eyes, a failure. Yet no
+man could have done more to deserve success. His medical qualifications
+were of the widest and highest; diplomas of all sorts covered the walls
+of his consulting-room; a gold medal for cerebral pathology lay in a
+glass case on his writing-table. He was actively abreast of advancing
+medical science; he had run into debt that he might keep himself
+supplied with the best literature of his profession, and he was prepared
+at a moment's notice to treat a difficult case in the light of the
+latest discoveries at Paris, St Petersburg, or New York. Moreover, he
+had led a clean life, and was known among his friends as a man of
+irreproachable honour. But somehow the patients seemed to avoid him, and
+only once in two years had he been summoned to a consultation.
+
+To account for Piecraft's failure as a medical man several theories were
+in circulation, and it is probable that each of them contained an
+element of truth. Some persons would set it down to the shabbiness of
+his appearance, or to the brusqueness of his manners, or to the fact
+that his consulting-room often reeked with the fumes of cheap tobacco.
+Others would say that Piecraft was constitutionally unable to practise
+those "intelligent hesitations" so often needed in the application of
+medical principles. They would remind you of his fatal tendency to
+determine diagnosis on a sudden impulse, which Piecraft called
+"psychological intuition," and in illustration of this they would tell
+you a story: how once, when the vicar's wife had brought her petted
+daughter to be treated for hysteria, the fit happening to come on in the
+consulting-room, Piecraft had cured the young lady on the spot by
+soundly boxing her ears. Concerning this incident he had been taken
+severely to task by an intimate friend of his, an old practitioner of
+standing. "It will be time enough to adopt those methods of treatment,"
+the friend had said to him, "when you are earning five thousand a year.
+At the present stage of your career it is almost fatal. Learn so to
+treat a patient that the story of the cure when subsequently related
+after dinner may have the characteristics of High Tragedy, or at all
+events may reflect some credit on the sufferer. Help him to create a
+drama, and see to it that he comes out ultimately as its hero. Don't
+you see that in the present instance you have spoilt a moving story,
+than which nothing gives greater offence, turning the whole situation
+into Low Comedy and making the patient a laughing-stock? People will
+never stand that, Piecraft. It is idle to insist that the cure was
+efficacious and permanent. So no doubt it was. A better remedy for that
+type of hysteria could not be devised. But reflect on the fact that you
+have deprived the vicar's family of a legitimate opportunity for
+dramatic expression and dethroned the vicar's daughter from her place as
+heroine. In short, you have committed an outrage on the artistic rights
+of medicine, and, mark my words, you will have to pay for it. Always
+remember, Piecraft, that in medicine, as in many other things, it is not
+the act alone which ensures success, but the gesture with which the act
+is accompanied."
+
+Moreover, Piecraft held a theory which he never took the least pains to
+conceal, though it was extremely provoking to his patients both rich
+and poor. His theory was that more than half the ailments of the human
+body are best treated by leaving them alone. For example, a certain old
+gentleman having consulted him about some senile malady, the doctor had
+dismissed him with the following remark: "My dear sir, the best remedy
+for the troubles of old age is to grow still older. The matter is in
+your own hands." Many suchlike epigrams were reported of him, and often
+they constituted the sole return which the patients received for the two
+guineas deposited on the table of the consulting-room. Obviously this
+kind of thing could not go on. As most of his patients consulted
+Piecraft because they wished to be extensively interfered with, and
+objected to nothing so much as being left alone, with or without an
+epigram to console them, it followed of course that they seldom
+consulted him a second time.
+
+But beneath these peripheral causes of irritation there lay a deeper
+offence. The truth is that Piecraft had made himself highly obnoxious to
+the members of his own profession, and had acquired--though I doubt if
+he fully deserved it--the reputation of a traitor. "Futile as physic"
+was a phrase constantly on his lips; and the words, offensive as they
+were, were only the foam that broke forth from the deeper waters of his
+treachery. He had gone so far as to embark on a propaganda for what he
+called "the Simplification of Medical Practice," publicly proposing that
+a Society should be founded for that object; and in pursuance of this
+proposal he had published a series of articles in which he had argued
+that the healing art is still dominated by the spirit of Magic and
+encumbered with a mass of dogmatic assumptions and superstitious
+observances. "The Seat of Authority in Therapeutics," "Medicine without
+Priest and without Ritual," "Big Words and Little Bottles," were the
+titles of some of these abominable essays. The last-named especially had
+aroused great indignation, not only by the excessively vehement language
+in which Piecraft pleaded for "simple and rational" principles, but far
+more by a caustic parallel he had drawn between the doings of a
+successful London practitioner and the ritual of a medicine-man among
+the Australian aborigines. The offence went deep, and the matter became
+the more serious for Piecraft because the indignation extended from the
+doctors to the theologians, who suspected--though the suspicion was
+utterly unfounded--that under the cover of an attack on orthodox
+medicine he was really engaged in putting a knife, from the back, into
+official religion; a suspicion which deprived the unfortunate doctor of
+every one of his clerical patients, including their wives and daughters,
+at a single stroke.
+
+The combined effect of all these causes was, of course, disastrous. If,
+for example, you happened to be suffering from a severe pain in the
+head--_le mal des beaux esprits_--which your family doctor had failed to
+cure, and suggested to the latter that Piecraft, as a distinguished
+cerebral pathologist, should be summoned to a consultation, you were
+pretty certain to be met with this rejoinder: "Yes, Piecraft has beyond
+all question an unrivalled knowledge of the human brain. But please
+understand that if you call him in I shall have to retire from the
+case." And if you pressed for further explanation you would at first be
+put off with airs of mystery which would gradually consolidate into some
+such statement as this: "Well, in the profession we don't regard
+Piecraft as a medical man in the strict sense of the term. He is really
+a literary man who has mistaken his vocation"; or, "Nature intended
+Piecraft for a popular agitator"; or, "Piecraft's forte is journalism";
+or, "Piecraft's title of 'doctor' should always be written in inverted
+commas"; or, "Piecraft is trying to live in two worlds, the world of
+imagination and the world of pure science; he will come to grief in both
+of them." And once the prophetic remark was made: "Piecraft's proper
+role is that of a character in the Arabian Nights." I have been told,
+too, that one day the Senior Physician of the hospital where Piecraft
+held a minor appointment overheard him muttering his favourite phrase by
+the bedside of a patient, "Futile as physic! futile as physic!"
+Whereupon the Senior Physician stepped up to him and, laying his hand on
+his shoulder in the kindest possible manner, whispered in his ear,
+"Resign, Piecraft; resign!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dr Phippeny Piecraft had no belief in the immortality of the soul: his
+studies in cerebral pathology had disposed of that question long ago.
+"What a philosopher most requires," he used to reflect, "is not so much
+a big brain of his own as a little knowledge of the brains of other
+people. Hamlet, for example, if he had studied Yorick's brain instead of
+sentimentalising over his skull, might have framed his question
+differently. And as to Hegel--well, that thing knocked all the Hegelism
+out of me," and he glanced at the gold medal in the glass case.
+
+But, like many another man who disbelieves in the future life, Dr
+Piecraft was not a little curious as to what might happen to him after
+death. He was indulging that curiosity on the very evening we first
+encounter him. "There is a pill in that little bottle," he was
+thinking, "which would end the whole wretched business in something less
+than thirty seconds. I wonder I don't swallow it. I should do it if it
+were not for Jim. But no, I shouldn't! Hamlet, old boy, you were quite
+right. I'm as big a coward as the rest of them. There's just a chance
+that if I were to swallow that pill I should find myself in hell-fire in
+half a minute--and I'm not fool enough, or not hero enough, to run it.
+Of course, there's just a chance of heaven too; for, after all, I've
+been a decent sort of chap, and, as Stevenson says, there's an ultimate
+decency in the Universe. _Heaven!_--my stars, heaven doesn't attract me!
+I've never yet heard a description of heaven which doesn't make it
+almost as bad as the other place. Extraordinary, that when people try to
+conceive a better world than this they almost invariably picture
+something infinitely worse! Mahomet knew that: 'cute fellow, Mahomet.
+And yet he was no more successful than the rest."
+
+Piecraft's reflections, once started on that line, plunged further. "I
+wonder what sort of heaven _would_ attract me," he thought. "Let me see.
+Why, yes! If I could be sure of going to a place where I should be
+professionally busy all day long, plenty of interesting and difficult
+cases, and no need to worry about Jim's education and his future--I'd
+swallow the pill this instant. _By heaven_, I would! I'd do harder
+things than that. I'd stick it out in this wretched hole for another ten
+years, I'd give up smoking shag, I'd give up everything, except Jim--if
+only at the end of the time I could go to some heaven where the stream
+of patients would never cease! I really don't think I could accept
+salvation on any other terms. But wait! Yes, there is just one other
+offer I would look at. If only they'd let me go back to the old home in
+Gower Street, if they'd make the old street _look_ as it did in those
+days, and _smell_ as it did, and give tobacco the same taste it had
+then, and show me Dad standing at the window with Jim in his arms, and
+let me be in love again with that nice girl at the Slade School--yes,
+and if they'd let me go into the shilling seats at the Lyceum to see
+Mary Anderson as Perdita--by Gad, I'd take the pill for that, indeed I
+would!"
+
+He was pursuing these reflections when his housekeeper entered the room
+with three or four letters. He looked them over, and his face brightened
+when he saw that one of them was from his half-brother Jim. A pipe was
+instantly filled and Piecraft re-settled himself in his arm-chair with
+the open letter in his hand. Jim's letter was dated from Harrow and ran
+as follows:--
+
+     "DEAR PHIP,--Many thanks for your congratulations on my
+     eighteenth birthday and for the enclosure of two pounds. Don't
+     be angry, old chap, when I tell you how I spent them. I got
+     leave at once to go down town, and bought you a silk hat, a
+     pair of gloves, some collars, and a couple of ties. You will
+     get them all to-morrow, and I hope the hat and gloves are the
+     right size. I am pretty sure they are. I was half inclined to
+     buy you a box of cigars, but I thought you needed the other
+     things more.
+
+     "The fact of the case is, Phip, I have definitely made up my
+     mind to be a burden on you no longer. True, I might get a
+     scholarship at the 'Varsity, as I got one at Harrow. But you
+     would still have to pinch to maintain me; and when I remember
+     how long you have done it already, I feel a perfect beast. I am
+     old enough now to understand what it means, and I tell you,
+     Phip, that nothing will induce me to come back to Harrow after
+     the present term. So please give notice at once. I mean to go
+     out to the Colonies with a man from the Modern Side, and I
+     shall earn my living somehow--as a labourer if need be, for I
+     am big and strong enough. Indeed, I would rather enlist than go
+     on with this.
+
+     "Have you ever thought of trying to make a bit _by writing_,
+     Phip? I believe you could write a novel. Don't you remember
+     what bully stories you used to tell me when I was a kid? Have a
+     shot at it, old boy. There's a person here in the Sixth who
+     has a knack that way, and he made a hundred pounds by a thing
+     he wrote. He got the tip for it out of a book on the art of
+     novel-writing, the advertisement of which I have cut out of the
+     _Daily Mail_ and send you enclosed. I would have sent you the
+     book itself had there been enough left out of the two pounds.
+     But there was only fourpence.
+
+     "The Head preached a capital sermon last night on the text, 'Of
+     such is the Kingdom of Heaven.' The instant he gave out the
+     words I thought of you, old Phip. And I went on thinking of you
+     till he had done. That's how I know the sermon was a good one,
+     though I didn't listen to another word. Anything that makes me
+     think of you _must_ be good. Phip, _you are a dead cert. for
+     heaven when you die_. But don't die yet, there's a good chap.
+     For if you go, I shall go too.--Ever yours, JIM.
+
+     "_P.S._--Don't forget to give notice that I am leaving this
+     term."
+
+When Dr Piecraft laid down the letter his eyes were full of tears. "The
+only bit of heaven that's left me," he said aloud, "is going to be
+taken away. There's one person in the world, anyhow, who doesn't think
+me a failure. If you go to the Colonies, Jim, I shall take the pill,
+come what may. You're a warm-hearted boy, Jim, but cruel too. I'd rather
+spend a hundred a year on you and go threadbare in consequence, than
+earn ten thousand a year and not have you to spend it on. At the same
+time, my only chance of making you relent is to earn some money.--What
+the deuce is all this about novel-writing?"
+
+He took up the advertisement which had fallen in his lap, and read as
+follows: "How to Write Novels--a Guide to Fortune in Literature.
+Containing Practical Instructions for Amateurs, whereby Success is
+assured. By an Old Hand."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Next morning Piecraft bought the book. As no patients came that day he
+had ample leisure to read it. "Easy as lying," he said to himself when
+he had finished. "I see the trick of it. And, by George, I'll make the
+first attempt this very night. I have half a dozen ideas already.
+Cerebral pathology is no bad training for a novelist."
+
+So he sat down to work, and by two in the morning had written the first
+chapter of a very promising novel. In ten days more the novel was
+complete.
+
+Reading over his manuscript, and severely criticising himself by the
+rules of his Manual, he found that he had put in too much scenery, had
+undercoloured the beauty of the heroine, had forgotten to describe her
+dress, and had introduced no action to break the tedious sentiment of
+the love-dialogues. These errors he at once set himself to correct,
+pruning down the excesses and making good the defects. Then, reviewing
+the whole, he satisfied himself that he had done well. The plot turned
+on a love affair, and was easily intelligible. The sexes were evenly
+balanced, and every character had its foil. There was plenty of incident
+and continuous action. And the whole was unified by a single purpose or
+controlling idea.
+
+This last gave Piecraft peculiar satisfaction. He had feared when he
+began that unity of purpose would be of all the rules the most difficult
+to satisfy. In the purpose of his life he had failed; was it likely, he
+asked himself, that he would do any better in romance? Judge, then, of
+his pleasure on discovering that a clear thread of intention ran through
+the novel from the first sentence to the last, and came to adequate
+fulfilment in the final catastrophe. "Purpose," he reflected, "is going
+to be my strongest point. I shall score heavily on that."
+
+He sent his manuscript to a publisher, and was rejoiced to hear of its
+acceptance within a week. In the six months that followed, having little
+else to do, he produced two more novels. Each of them had a Purpose. The
+publisher bought the manuscripts outright for fifty pounds apiece.
+
+"It's the Purpose that pays," thought Piecraft. "It's the Purpose that
+works the oracle. It's the Purpose the public like. Next time I'll
+introduce more Purpose and stand out for better terms with the
+publisher."
+
+Meanwhile he had been compelled, much against his will, to give notice
+of Jim's withdrawal from school. In spite of the brightening of his
+prospects the half-brother had proved inexorable. "I will borrow from
+you," wrote Jim, "enough to pay my third-class fare across the ocean and
+leave me with a pound or two on landing. After that, not another penny."
+"All right, Jim; have it your own way," was Phippeny's answer. "I shall
+work away until I have saved L500, and then, my boy, _I'll join you on
+the other side and life will begin again for both of us_. Meanwhile, I'm
+growing uncommonly prolific in the way of pot-boilers. But I'm not
+exactly in love with it, and shall abandon my new profession without a
+sigh. I wish I could produce something really good. Perhaps when I join
+you I shall get a new inspiration. I believe one can find a pen and ink
+in the Colonies."--Thus the matter was arranged.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dr Phippeny Piecraft was not in the habit of going to church, but one
+Sunday evening, shortly after these events, he found himself there by
+accident and heard a sermon, some sentences of which caught his
+attention. It happened that just then he was gravelled for lack of
+matter; and he was busy during the service in vainly attempting to
+construct a plot in which a gamekeeper's daughter was to be betrayed by
+a young lord under circumstances of excruciating novelty. In spite of
+the novelty of the circumstances he could not help recognising that the
+main theme was a trifle stale; and as they were singing the hymn before
+the sermon he confessed to himself that the plot was not worth
+elaboration, and began to think about other things.
+
+Piecraft's mind, indeed, was just then in a state of extreme confusion.
+Now he would be listening to the words of the preacher, now giving way
+to anxieties about Jim, now returning to the plot of his novel like a
+moth to a candle-light, and now reflecting, with the acute discomfort of
+a double consciousness, on his inability to concentrate his thoughts.
+"There is nothing," he mused, "which sooner demoralises a man's
+intelligence than the discovery that he can make money by following the
+demand of a degenerate public taste. It leads to mental incoherence and
+to the most extraordinary self-deception. I am afraid that that cursed
+Manual has undone me. It seems to have resurrected another personality
+who belongs to a lower order of being than my true and proper self.
+Having failed to earn my living by being the man I am, I am now in a way
+to make money by being the man I am not. What business have I to be
+constructing these ridiculous plots? And how is it that, once started on
+that line, I am unable to prevent myself going further? I had thought
+that a scientific training was the best safeguard against obsession. But
+I perceive it is no such thing. Is it possible that I am so far like
+Frate Alberigo--my proper soul expelled to another world, and perhaps
+practising medicine there, while a demon holds possession of my body and
+writes third-rate novels in this?"
+
+A moment later he was thinking about Jim.
+
+"I hope the boy won't forget to send me a cable when he reaches the
+port; somehow I feel unaccountably anxious about him." Then he turned to
+wondering how much he would be able to screw out of the publishers for
+the next novel, and how everything would depend on the breadth of the
+Purpose.
+
+Suddenly a sentence of the sermon caught his ear: "_Illusion is an
+integral part of Reality_."
+
+"Tip-top," thought Piecraft. "So it is." And in a moment his imagination
+began to cast about for a reality of which three parts should be
+illusion. But he could think of nothing that answered the description,
+and again he said to himself, "I am not in a normal condition to-day.
+One should never force a reluctant brain. And I can't help being anxious
+about Jim. I had better turn my attention to the sermon."
+
+"For example," the preacher was just then saying, "many a man who has
+determined to abandon the pursuit of happiness has subsequently realised
+that he was still pursuing happiness in another form. Others have found
+that actions which they thought they were doing for the love of God were
+really done out of hatred of the devil.... Nor can we ever be sure that
+we are the authors of our own acts. No doubt we usually think we are.
+But if the testimony of holy men--and of bad men too--counts for
+anything, we shall be forced to the conclusion that many acts which we
+think _we_ have performed have really been performed by some person who
+is not ourselves, or by some force or motivation whose source is not in
+our own souls. This, my friends, applies to our bad actions as well as
+to our good ones. Thus we see how of all reality, even of moral reality,
+illusion is an integral part."
+
+Dr Phippeny Piecraft did not trouble himself for one instant about the
+truth or error of these doctrines. An idea suddenly leaped into his mind
+as he heard them, and the preacher had hardly concluded the last period
+before the novelist saw himself secure of at least eighty pounds for his
+next manuscript. Such are the strange reactions which the best-meant
+sermons often provoke in the minds of the hearers, especially when there
+is genius in the congregation.
+
+The title of his new novel was the first thing that came into Piecraft's
+head. It was to be called _Dual Personality_, and cerebral pathology was
+to supply the atmosphere. The plot came next--at least the outline of
+it. The main actors were to be two young lords, or something of that
+sort, the one as good as they make them and the other as bad. Each of
+these young lords was to play the part of motivating force to the
+actions of the other. "We'll call them A and B," reflected Phippeny. "A,
+the good young lord, shall intend nothing but good and do nothing but
+evil. B, the bad one, shall intend nothing but evil and do nothing but
+good: that is, A's actions shall represent B's character, and _vice
+versa_. Each, of course, must be exhibited as under the influence of the
+other; and this mutual influence must be so strong that A's virtues are
+converted by B's influence into vices, and B's vices by A's influence
+into virtues. Thus each of them shall be the author, not of his own
+actions, but of the actions of his friend. A splendid idea, and one that
+has never yet occurred to any novelist living or dead! It is certain to
+lead to some tremendous situations."
+
+Before the sermon concluded the pot was beginning to simmer. Several
+situations had been rapidly sketched by way of experiment: a trial trip,
+so to say, had been taken. For example: Scene, a labyrinthine wood.
+Time, the dead of night. An intermittent moonlight, and a gale causing
+strange voices in the tree-tops. The bad young lord, on his way to the
+gamekeeper's daughter, is stealing among the trees. Suddenly a figure
+steps into his path. It is the good young lord. Conversation:
+upshot--the bad young lord resolves to take Holy Orders. Takes them, but
+becomes a worse villain than before; psychology to be arranged later.
+Second situation: good young lord now leader of Labour movement: the bad
+young lord (in Orders) persuades the other, by casuistry, to misapply
+trust funds to support coal-strike. And so on and so on. End:
+Archbishopric for villain, penal servitude for hero. Reader all the time
+kept in doubt as to which is villain and which hero; and sometimes led
+to think, by cerebral pathology, that the two men are one
+personality--the two halves of one brain. Counter-plot for the
+women--each lord in love with the woman who is matched to the other.
+Keynote of whole--tragic irony.
+
+Piecraft had advanced thus far when his mind received another jostle.
+His attention was again caught by the words of the sermon. "I have
+heard," the preacher was saying, "of a distinguished author who, on
+reading one of his own books ten years after it was written, entirely
+failed to recognise it as his own work, and insisted that it had been
+written by somebody else. Such is the force of illusion."
+
+"The fellow's an idiot," thought Piecraft, "to believe such a story. The
+thing couldn't happen. At least, I'm pretty sure it will never happen to
+_me_. None the less, it might be worked in for a literary effect." And
+again he fell to musing.
+
+The preacher was now coming to the end of his sermon. He had been saying
+something about the relations of St Paul to the older apostles, and
+about the various illusions current at the time; and then, after
+alluding to St Paul's sojourn in the wilderness of Arabia, was winding
+up a period with the following questions: "But meanwhile, my brethren,
+where is Peter? Where is John? Where is James? And what are they doing?"
+
+"_Where is James?_" These, and what followed them, were the only words
+that penetrated to Piecraft's intelligence, and they struck so sharply
+into the current of his thoughts that he almost forgot himself. He sat
+bolt upright, opened his mouth, and was on the point of shouting an
+answer to the question, when he suddenly remembered where he was and
+checked himself in time. The answer he had on the tip of his tongue was
+this: "_James, so far as I can judge, is just getting into wireless
+touch with New York, but I would to God I knew what he was doing!_"
+
+A moment later he was thinking, "I'm getting light-headed, and shall be
+making an ass of myself if I'm not careful. I'm certainly not in my
+usual health. What the deuce is the matter with me? When, I wonder,
+shall I have news of Jim's arrival?"
+
+When Piecraft left the church he was in a state of acute depression and
+distress. His pulse was throbbing and his head aching, and it seemed to
+him as he paced the streets that the preacher was following close behind
+him, and constantly repeating the question, "Where is James, where is
+James?" Sometimes the voice would sound like a distant echo, sometimes
+like a mocking cry.
+
+On reaching home he said to his housekeeper: "Mrs Avory, I shall be glad
+if you will sit up till you hear me go to bed. For the first time in my
+life I am afraid of being left alone. I can't imagine what has come over
+me."
+
+He tried to read the paper, to write a letter, to play the piano; paced
+the floor; wandered into the housekeeper's sitting-room; went out for a
+walk and came back after going twenty yards. Then he took up a volume of
+his favourite _Arabian Nights_ and found, after reading a page, that he
+had not understood a sentence of the print. Towards midnight his
+agitation was so great that he could bear it no longer. He rang the
+bell.
+
+"Mrs Avory," he said, "something has gone wrong with me--or with
+somebody else. I can't help thinking about James--and fancying all sorts
+of things. I believe I am going mad. In heaven's name, what am I to do?"
+
+"Well, sir," said the woman, "you are a doctor and should know better
+than I. But if I were you, sir, I'd take a sleeping draught and go to
+bed."
+
+In despair Piecraft took the woman's advice. As a doctor he avoided the
+use of every kind of drug on principle, and was terrified when he
+realised how much morphia he had put into the draught. "Now indeed I am
+mad," he thought, "for the smallest dose of morphia was always enough
+to give me the horrors."
+
+His fears were not ungrounded. There is no record of what he saw,
+fancied, or suffered during the night and the following day; but when he
+entered his dining-room late next evening, Mrs Avory started as though
+she had seen a ghost. "Give me the newspaper," he cried, and before she
+could prevent him he snatched it out of her hand.
+
+"_'Titanic' sinks after collision with iceberg. Enormous loss of
+life_"--were the first words he read.
+
+"I knew it!" he exclaimed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Those who saw the tragic throng of men and women who for the next few
+days hung round the doors of the White Star offices in London will not
+have forgotten that poor fellow who was beside himself--how he would
+walk among the crowd accosting this person and that, and how he would
+then take off his hat, or his gloves, or pull at his tie and say, "Look
+at this hat, sir; look at those gloves; look at that tie! Jim gave me
+those, sir. He bought them with two pounds I gave him to spend on
+himself. What do you think of that for a noble act? And I tell you that
+Jim's lying at this moment fathoms deep in the ocean. He's among the
+lost, sir; by God, I know it. A mere boy in years, madam, only eighteen
+last birthday; but a man in character. Loyal to the core! And take my
+word for one thing. Jim played the man at the last, sir; you bet your
+stars he did! He didn't wear a lifebelt; not he--that is, if there was a
+woman around who hadn't got one! A man who would spend his money as he
+spent those two pounds wouldn't keep a lifebelt for himself. Would he,
+now? Look at this hat! Look at these gloves! Look at that tie!...."
+
+For two whole days Piecraft maintained this requiem. On the evening of
+the second day some kind-hearted fellow-sufferer persuaded him to go
+home, and volunteered to bear him company. It was a long hour's journey
+to the other end of London. A telegraph boy arrived at the house at the
+same moment as the two men and handed Piecraft a telegram. He broke it
+open and read. Then he suddenly tore off his hat, and, handing it with a
+quick movement to his companion, staggered forward and collapsed on the
+doorstep.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When he came to himself he was lying on the sofa in his study. In the
+room were several people who, as soon as Piecraft opened his eyes, gazed
+upon him attentively for a few moments and then, nodding to each other,
+as though to say "all right," quietly withdrew.
+
+The novelist looked round him. Yes, he was assuredly in his own familiar
+room. But one thing struck him as strange. The room was usually in a
+state of extreme disorder--dust everywhere, books and papers lying about
+in confusion, hats, sticks, pipes, photographs and golf-balls mingling
+in the chaos. Now everything was neat and orderly. The furniture had
+been polished, the carpet cleaned, the hearth swept up and the
+fire-irons in their place. On the table, too, was a vase of flowers.
+"There must have been a spring cleaning," he thought.
+
+He felt remarkably well. "I believe that I fell asleep during a sermon.
+Well, the sleep has done me good and cleared my brain. But who on earth
+brought me here? Strange: but I'll think it out when I have time. Just
+now I want to write. That was a capital idea for my new novel. I must
+work it out at once while the inspiration is still active; for I never
+felt keener and fitter in my life. Let me see.--Yes, _Dual Personality_
+was to be the title." These were his first reflections.
+
+Then without more ado he sat down to the table; lit his pipe; ruminated
+for five minutes, and began to write.
+
+He wrote rapidly and continuously for many hours, and midnight had
+passed when Piecraft flung down the last sheet on the floor and uttered
+a triumphant "Done!"
+
+"I thought," he said aloud, "that it would run to at least 100,000
+words. But I don't believe there's a fifth that number. The thing has
+come out a Short Story. Never mind, I'm safe for a twenty-pound note
+anyhow. Not so bad for one day's work. I'll read it over in the
+morning." Then, feeling hungry, he rang the bell.
+
+To his great surprise there entered not the fussy old lady who usually
+waited on him, but a girl neatly dressed and with a remarkably
+intelligent face.
+
+"Are you the new servant?" said he.
+
+The girl made no reply, but, having placed food on the table, withdrew.
+"As modest as she is pretty," thought Piecraft as he ate his meal.
+"Well, I'll give her no cause to complain of me. And I hope she'll
+continue to wait on me. For in all my life I never knew bread and wine
+to taste so delicious."
+
+On the following morning he had barely finished his breakfast, supplied
+him in the same silent manner, when a tap came at the door and a young
+man stepped into the room. "Is there anything I can do for you, sir?"
+said he.
+
+"Who are you?" said Piecraft. "I have never seen you before."
+
+"Oh," said the young man, "I'm a messenger. Your friends have sent me to
+look after you."
+
+"It's the first time they have ever done such a thing," returned the
+other, "and I'm much obliged to them. Anyhow, you came at the right
+time. There _is_ something you can do for me; at least I think so. Can
+you read aloud?"
+
+"I like nothing better," said the young man.
+
+"Well, then, you are the very man I want. It so happens that I wrote a
+story for the press last night, and I was just wishing that I had a kind
+friend who would do me the service of reading it aloud. There's nothing
+that gives an author a better idea of the effect of his work than to
+hear it read aloud."
+
+"I will read it with the greatest pleasure," said the youth.
+
+"Then let us get to work at once," said Piecraft--and he handed his
+manuscript across the table.
+
+The young man settled himself in a good light and began to read. The
+first sentence ran as follows:
+
+"_For the fourth time that day, Abdulla, the water-seller of Damascus,
+had come to the river's bank to fill his water-skin._"
+
+"Stop!" cried Piecraft. "I never wrote that! I must have given you the
+wrong manuscript. What is the title on the outside?"
+
+"_The Hole in the Water-skin_," answered the reader.
+
+"It's not the title of my story," said Piecraft. "Here, hand the papers
+over to me and let me look at them. Extraordinary! Where did this thing
+come from? I presume you're attempting some kind of practical joke. What
+have you done with the manuscript I gave you?"
+
+"The confusion will soon pass," said the other.
+
+"Confusion, indeed!" answered Piecraft, as his eye glanced over the
+sheets. "You've hit the right word this time, my boy. For the odd thing
+is that the whole piece is written in my hand and on my paper, and is, I
+could swear, the identical bundle of sheets I laid away last night. And
+yet there is not a word in it I can recognise as my own. But
+wait--what's this on page 32? I see something about 'dual personality.'
+That was the title of my story. But no! The words are scratched out.
+Yes, a whole page--two pages--more pages--are deleted at that point.
+What on earth does it all mean?"
+
+"Perhaps," said the young man, "if you allow me to read the whole to
+you, your connection with the story will gradually become clear."
+
+"You had better do so," answered Piecraft. "At all events, read on till
+I stop you. For, from what I see, I don't like the fellow's style, and
+may soon grow tired of it. And make a point of reading the portions that
+are scratched out."
+
+"I shall remember your wishes," said the other; "and as to not liking
+the fellow's style, I think you may find that it is to some extent
+founded on your own."
+
+"I don't believe it," said Piecraft. "Anyhow, if he hasn't been copying
+my style, he has been stealing my ideas. The passage about 'dual
+personality' proves it. But go ahead, and let us hear what it's all
+about."
+
+The young man again settled himself in a good light and read as
+follows.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+"THE HOLE IN THE WATER-SKIN"
+
+
+For the fourth time that day Abdulla, the water-seller of Damascus, had
+come to the river's bank to fill his water-skin. The day was hot beyond
+endurance; the drinkers had been clamorous and trade had been brisk; and
+a bag of small money, the fruits of his merchandise, hung within the
+folds of his gaberdine.
+
+Weary with going to and fro in the burning streets, Abdulla seated
+himself under a palm tree, the last of a long line that ran down to the
+pool where the skins were filled. Resting his back against the cool side
+of the tree, the setting sun being behind him, he drew forth his bag and
+counted his coins. "One more journey," he said to himself, "and the bag
+will be full. Zobeida shall have sweetmeats to-morrow."
+
+The pleasing thought lingered in his mind; fled for a moment and then
+returned; Abdulla saw the shop of the infidel Greek, with boxes of
+chocolate in the window; he saw himself inside making his choice among
+innumerable boxes, and holding the bag of money in his hand. Then his
+head fell forward on his chest and he was asleep.
+
+The plunge into sleep had been so sudden, and its duration was so brief,
+that no memory of it was left, and Abdulla knew not that he had slept
+nor the moment when he awaked. Fluctuating images rose and wavered and
+vanished; and then, as though in answer to a signal, the incoherence
+ceased, the forms became defined, and a steady stream of consciousness
+began to flow.
+
+He was conscious of the figure of a man in the foreground whose presence
+he had not previously noticed. The man was sitting motionless on a low
+rock less than a stone-cast distant, and close to the river's brim; and
+he seemed to be watching the still flow of the stream. A moment later he
+stood upright, turned round, and crossed the fifty paces of sand that
+lay between him and Abdulla.
+
+As the man drew nearer, Abdulla observed that he bore a bewildering
+resemblance to himself. Not many minutes before he had been looking at
+his own reflection in a small pocket mirror which he had purchased that
+morning from a Jew as a present for Zobeida; and as he had looked at the
+image, still thinking of Zobeida, he wished that God had bestowed upon
+him a countenance of nobler cast. The face he now saw before him was the
+face he had just seen in the mirror, with the nobler cast introduced;
+and Abdulla, noticing the difference as well as the resemblance, was
+afraid.
+
+"Depart from me, O my master," said he, "for I am a man of no account."
+And he bowed himself to the ground.
+
+"Rise," said the other, "and make haste; for the sun is low, and scarce
+an hour remains for thy merchandise. Dip thy water-skin into the stream;
+and, as thou dippest, think on the hour of thy death, when the
+All-merciful will dip into the river of thy life, and thou shalt sleep
+for the twinkling of an eye, and know not when thou awakest, and there
+shall be no mark left on thee, even as no mark is left on the river when
+thou hast filled thy water-skin from its abundance."
+
+"I know not what thou sayest," said Abdulla, "for I am a poor man and
+ignorant."
+
+"Thou art young," said the other, "and there is time for thee to learn.
+Hear, then, and I will enlighten thee. Everything hath its double, and
+the double is redoubled again. To this world there is a next before and
+a next after, and to each next a nearest, through a counting that none
+can complete. Worlds without end lie enfolded one within another like
+the petals of a rose; and as the fragrance of one petal penetrates and
+intermingles with the fragrance of all the rest, so is the vision of the
+world thou seest now blended with the vision of that which was and of
+that which is to come. And I tell thee, O thou seller of water, that
+between this world and its next fellow the difference is so faint that
+none save the enlightened can discern it. A man may live a thousand
+lives, as thou hast already done, and dream but of one. Again thou shalt
+sleep and again thou shalt awake, and the world of thy sleeping shall
+differ from the world of thy waking no more than thy full water-skin
+differs from itself when two drops of water have fallen from its mouth."
+
+"Thou speakest like a devotee," answered Abdulla. "The matter of thy
+discourse is utterly beyond me, save for that thou sayest concerning the
+dipping of the water-skin. There thy thought is as the echo of mine own.
+But know that I am ashamed in thy presence; and again I entreat thee to
+depart." And Abdulla bowed himself as before.
+
+"Do, then, as I bid thee," said the man; "dip thy skin in the water of
+the flowing river, think on the hour of thy death, and forget not as
+thou dippest to pronounce the name of God."
+
+Then Abdulla rose up and did what he was commanded to do. While he was
+dipping the skin he tried to think of the hour of his death; but he
+could think only of the words, and dying seemed to him a thing of
+naught; for he was young and Zobeida was fair. Nevertheless, when he had
+lifted the full skin from the river, and saw that his taking left no
+mark, an old thought came back to him, and for the thousandth time he
+began to wonder at the ways of flowing water. "Only God can understand
+them," he murmured. "May the Compassionate have mercy upon the
+ignorant!"
+
+Then he adjusted the burden on his back and turned to the palm-belt. But
+the stranger was gone.
+
+As one who walks in sleep, Abdulla retraced the path on which for more
+than half the year he came and went three or four times a day. Now he
+pondered the words of his visitant; now the image of flowing water rose
+and glided before the inner eye.
+
+He passed under the gate of the city without noting where he was. But
+here a sudden jostle interrupted his reverie. A man driving a string of
+donkeys thrust him against the wall, cursing him as he passed. Abdulla
+looked up and, when he heard the curses, repeated the name of God as a
+protection against evil.
+
+Re-settling the water-skin in the position from which it had been
+displaced by the collision with the donkey, he took up the thread of his
+musing and went on. He thought of Zobeida, of the Cadi, of the contract
+of marriage, of the sweetmeats he would purchase on the morrow, of the
+shop of the Greek. But again his reverie was broken; this time by the
+sound of his own voice. The cry of his trade had burst automatically
+from his lips: "Water; sweet water! Ho, everyone that thirsteth, come
+and buy!"
+
+A vision lay before him, and he seemed to be gazing at it from a point
+in mid-air. He saw a street in Damascus; the crowd is coming and going,
+the merchants are in their shops, and some are crying their wares. Close
+by the door of a house a boy is holding forth a wooden bowl, and in
+front of him a water-seller is in the act of opening his water-skin.
+Abdulla watches the filling of the bowl, and sees the man put forth his
+hand to take the coin the boy is offering. The man touches the coin and
+instantly becomes Abdulla himself! Abdulla closes his water-skin and
+replaces it on his back, not without a momentary sense of bewilderment.
+He observes also that some of the water is spilt on the ground. But he
+has no memory of the spilling.
+
+Abdulla would fain have questioned himself. But he found no question to
+ask and could not begin the interrogation. Something seemed to have
+disturbed him, but so completely had it vanished that he could give the
+disturbance neither form nor name. Otherwise the chain of his memory was
+unbroken. He had finished his last round for the day; scarce a cup of
+water remained in the skin, and as he flung the flaccid thing over his
+shoulder he began to recall, one by one, the names and faces of his
+customers, forty in all, reflecting with satisfaction that the last
+skinful had brought him the best gains of the day. Then he remembered
+the driver of donkeys who had thrust him against the wall, and,
+examining the skin, found that it was frayed almost to bursting. And
+Abdulla uttered a curse on the driver and turned homewards.
+
+His road lay through narrow streets, crowded with people, and as he
+passed down one of them a veiled woman cried to him from the door of a
+hovel.
+
+"O compassionate water-seller, I have two children within who are sore
+athirst, for the fever is burning them. Give them, I pray thee, a
+mouthful of water, and Allah shall recompense thee in Paradise."
+
+"Woman," said Abdulla, "there is less water in the skin than would
+suffice to cool the tongue of a soul in hell. Nevertheless, what I have
+I will give thee." And he lowered the mouth of his water-skin into the
+woman's bowl.
+
+Not a drop came forth. In vain Abdulla shook the skin and pressed the
+corners between the palms of his hands. Then, discovering what had
+happened, he began to curse and to swear.
+
+"By the beard of the Prophet," he cried, "the skin has burst! A driver
+of donkeys, begotten of Satan, thrust me against the wall at the
+entering in of the city, and frayed the water-skin. And now, by the
+permission of God, the heat has dried up the remnant of the water and
+cracked the skin, thus completing the work of the Deviser of Mischief.
+Alas, alas! for the skin was borrowed. And to-morrow restitution will be
+demanded, for the lender is likewise a son of the Devil, and the bowels
+of mercy are not within him."
+
+"Verily thou raisest a great cry for a small evil," said the woman.
+"Bethink thee of them who are perishing with thirst, and hold thy
+peace."
+
+"Nay, but I am mindful of them," said Abdulla; "for had not the
+water-skin been burst, I would have had the wherewithal to give them to
+drink. But know, O mother of sorrows, that the motives of mankind are of
+a mixed nature, especially when grief oppresseth them. And my griefs are
+greater than thou deemest. Woe is me! Behold this bag of money, and
+raise thy voice with mine in lamentation over the miseries of the
+unfortunate. A damsel, more beautiful than the full moon seen beyond the
+summits of waving palms, is at this hour hungering for the sweetmeats of
+the infidel, even as the children of thy body are thirsting for water;
+and within this bag is the money which, by the favour of Allah, would
+have purchased abundance of all that she desireth. But ere to-morrow's
+sun has risen from the edge of the desert, four coins out of every five
+will be claimed as damages by the lender of the skin (whom may the
+Prophet utterly reject!), the rest being reserved for the daily food
+which the All-merciful provides for his creatures. And the damsel will
+sit in the corner of the house, rocking her goodly body, which was
+created for the angels to gaze upon; and she will bite her hands and
+beat them on the wall, and wail for the sweetmeats that come not, and
+curse the name of Abdulla, the breaker of vows!"
+
+"Most excellent of water-sellers," said the woman, "many are the damsels
+in this city addicted to the sweetmeats of the infidel, and of those
+that are beautiful as the full moon beyond the waving palms there are
+not a few. Thy description, therefore, availeth not for the
+identification of thy beloved. Describe her more narrowly, I beseech
+thee, that hereafter, when my children are dead, I may bring her the
+balm of consolation. For I am afflicted in her woes; and between women
+in sorrow there is ever a bond."
+
+"Yea, verily," answered Abdulla. "I will so describe my beloved that
+thou shall recognise her among ten thousand. Know, then, that her form
+is like unto a minaret of ivory built by the Waters of Silence in a
+king's garden; her eyes are as lighted lamps in the house of the
+Enchanter; the flowing of her hair is a troop of wild horses pursued by
+Bedouin in the wilderness of Arabia; and the fragrance of her coming is
+like an odour of precious nards wafted on the evening breeze from the
+Islands of Wak-Wak."
+
+"O Abdulla," replied the other, "of a truth I know this damsel. And now
+I perceive that the Devourer of Bliss hath taken thee in his net and
+multiplied thy sorrows upon thy head. But forget not the grief of this
+thy handmaid, and the suffering of those she has nursed at the breast.
+Hear even now the wailing that is within! Lo, a worker of spells has
+sent destruction among us, and the sickness is sore in the habitations
+of the poor. Press, then, thy skin once more, if peradventure Allah may
+have left there one drop of water, that the mouth of the little ones may
+be moistened before they die. And add a curse, I pray thee, on the
+Worker of Spells; for the Giver of Gifts hath made thy tongue of great
+alacrity, and taught thee the putting-together of wise judgments and the
+rounding-off of memorable sayings."
+
+By this time a crowd, attracted by the cries and the cursing, had
+gathered round the speakers, and so thick was the press that Abdulla had
+much ado to move his hands that he might press the water-skin as he was
+bidden.
+
+"O wise and much-enduring woman," he cried, "I greatly fear me that thy
+prayer is vain. But I will even do as thou biddest, if only these
+foolish ones will make room that I may pass my hands craftily over the
+skin. Thereafter I will add a goodly curse on the worker of spells, and
+at the last thou and I and all this multitude will wail and lament
+together, that the heart of the All-merciful may be moved to pity and
+his will turned to work us good."
+
+So spake Abdulla, and the crowd began to give way. But, behold, a
+marching squad of soldiery, going to the war, with drums beating and
+bayonets all aflash, suddenly swings down the street, filling its whole
+breadth from side to side. Instantly the crowd backs, and Abdulla and
+the woman, separated from one another, are swept along as driftwood by
+the torrent. Arrived in the open space into which the street discharged,
+Abdulla rushes hither and thither in search of the woman, examining
+every face in the crowd, and raising himself on tiptoe that he may look
+over their heads. But the woman is nowhere to be seen.
+
+Perturbed by the sudden disappearance of the woman, Abdulla turned once
+more into the homeward way. Before he had taken many steps it occurred
+to him to examine the rent in his water-skin. Standing quite still and
+holding the skin at arm's length before him, he gazed intently at the
+small hole, about the size of an olive-stone, which had resulted from
+the donkey-driver's assault. As he thus gazed, the incident which had so
+abruptly terminated a few minutes before seemed to retreat into the
+distant past. Then it became a story, heard he knew not where, about a
+water-seller who lived long ago. Next, it seemed a dream of the night
+before, the details of which he could not recall. Finally, it vanished
+from his memory altogether.
+
+Abdulla, realising that it was gone, turned quickly and found, with some
+surprise, that he was standing in front of a large shop with plate-glass
+windows, behind which were boxes of chocolate arranged in rows. A
+mirror--at least it seemed so to Abdulla,--of equal length with the shop
+front, was set at the back and doubled the objects in the window.
+
+The sight of the sweetmeats instantly brought back the memory of his
+misfortunes, and, in so doing, gave an occasion to the Tempter.
+
+"I will conceal what has happened from the lender of the skin," thought
+Abdulla. "I will insert a cunning patch, which will assuredly burst so
+soon as the skin is filled with water, and I will then swear by God and
+the Prophet that the skin was patched when I borrowed it. And now I will
+go in and bargain with the infidel for yonder box, the circumference
+whereof is wide as the belly of a well-fattened sheep."
+
+Raising his eyes from the great box of chocolates, Abdulla's attention
+was strangely arrested by the reflection of his own face and figure in
+the mirror at the back of the shop front. He noted, with a start, the
+unwonted dignity of the figure as thus presented, and immediately
+recalled the man who had accosted him but lately by the Water-sellers'
+Pool.
+
+Abdulla gazed on what was before him, and thought thus within himself,
+"Of a truth I knew not that Allah had bestowed so dignified a
+countenance on the least worthy of his servants. The eyes are the eyes
+of eagles; the nose is a promontory looking seawards; the brow is a
+tower of brass built for defence at the gateway of a kingdom. Verily,
+the mirror of Zobeida must have been at fault. Surely God hath now
+provided me, in my own countenance, with the means of endearment, and
+the sweetmeats of the infidel are needed not. Moreover, it becometh not
+one thus favoured to deal crookedly with the followers of the Prophet.
+Is Abdulla a man of violence, as the driver of the donkey; or a man of
+no bowels, as the lender of the skin? Is he an accursed Greek or a more
+accursed Armenian that he should play the cheat with his neighbour,
+inserting a cunning patch, which will assuredly produce leakage and make
+the rent worse than before? God forbid! Abdulla is a man of pure
+occupation, even as yonder image reveals him. Nevertheless, it may be
+that the Author of Deception has fashioned a lying picture in the
+mirror, that he may cause me to forgo the purchase of the box, and undo
+me with the beloved, who will soil her cheeks with rivers of tears, and
+rock her body in the corner of the house. Go to, now; I will see whether
+the Evil One be not hidden behind the mirror; or if, perchance, there be
+not here some witchcraft contrivance of the Franks."
+
+So thinking, Abdulla stepped into the entry of the shop, that he might
+examine the back of the mirror. What was his astonishment on discovering
+that there was no mirror at all, the boxes of chocolate he had taken for
+reflections being just as real as all the rest!
+
+The Greek proprietor, suspecting him to be a thief, rushed out to
+apprehend him. He was too late, for Abdulla had fled into the darkness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The sudden night had fallen; aloft, in a firmament of violet-black, the
+great stars were shining, and the city was still.
+
+Pursuing his way, Abdulla found himself in front of a lofty house with a
+solitary latticed window immediately beneath the roof. It was the
+appointed hour. Presently a handkerchief was waved from between the
+lattice, and the soft voice of a woman began to speak.
+
+"O Abdulla, my beloved," said the voice, "though it be dark in the
+street, yet there is a light round about thee so that I can see thy
+countenance as if it were noonday. Wherefore hast thou anointed thyself
+with radiance, and made thyself to shine like the sons of the morning?
+Where hast thou been? For thy fashion is passing strange, and my heart
+turns to water at the sight of thee."
+
+"I have been," said Abdulla, "in the company of the wise, who have
+taught me the way of understanding, and shown me all knowledge, and
+opened the dark things that are hidden in the secret parts of the earth.
+All day have I conversed with enlightened and honourable men, and they
+have made me the chief of their company and the father of their sect."
+
+"Begone, then," answered the woman, "for I know thee not, and thy
+comeliness makes me afraid. I had deemed that thou wert Abdulla, the
+seller of water; and I am even now prepared to let down a basket that he
+may place therein the thing for which my soul is an hungered, even the
+sweetmeats of the infidel, which I would then draw up again with a cord
+of silk, and be refreshed after my manner. But as for the ways of
+understanding, thou mayest tread them alone, and the opening up of that
+which is hidden is a thing that my soul hateth."
+
+"O thou that speakest behind the lattice," said Abdulla, "thy discourse
+is of matters that lack importance in the eyes of the sagacious. I
+perceive thou art possessed by a demon, and surmise that the Whetter of
+Appetite is leading thee in the path of destruction. Retire, therefore,
+to thy inner chamber, and recite quickly the Seven Exorcisms and the Two
+Professions of Faith."
+
+"O Abdulla, if indeed thou art he," replied the voice, "I discern thou
+art contending for a purpose. Peradventure, the eyes of the wanton have
+entangled thee in the way, and thou hast bestowed on another that which,
+when thy heart was upright, thou designedst for me. Come now and prove
+thine integrity, for I will presently let down the basket that thou
+mayest fill it with the delicacies of the Franks."
+
+"Thou fallest deeper into the snares of the demon," said Abdulla, "and
+thy voice soundeth afar off, even as the voice of one crying for water
+from the flames of the nethermost pit. Know that he to whom thou
+speakest is of them that walk in the light; and what have these to do
+with the delicacies of the Franks? Verily, I understand not thy topic,
+having heard but a rumour thereof among the conversations of the
+ignorant."
+
+"O despiser of the knowledge that sweetens life," said the woman,
+"verily, I deem thee a man of limited information and degenerate wit.
+But hearken unto my words, and I will enlighten thee concerning the
+topic of our discourse, that ignorance may excuse thee no further. Know,
+then, that the delicacies of the Franks are of many kinds, arranged in
+boxes that are tied with silver cords. And the chief of them all is a
+thing of two natures, cunningly blended, whereof one nature appertaineth
+to the outer shell, and the other to the inner substance. The outer
+shell tasteth bitter, and the colour is of the second degree of
+blackness, like unto the skin of the Ethiopian eunuch. The inner
+substance is sweeter than the honeycomb, and white as the wool of
+Helbon, interspersed with all manner of nuts. This is the chief among
+the delicacies of the Franks; and such is the marvel of the blending of
+the natures that the palate knoweth neither the bitterness of the shell,
+nor the sweetness of the kernel, but a third flavour of more eminent
+rank, to which Allah hath appointed no name. Hie thee, therefore, O man
+of no excuse, and buy from them that sell."
+
+"That for which thou askest," said Abdulla, "is utterly beneath the
+dignity of the enlightened to give thee. Ask for the wisdom of the
+ancients and thou shalt have it. Ask for the revelation of things
+hidden, and it shall be accorded thee. But the delicacies of the
+Franks, cunningly blended as to their two natures, and arranged in boxes
+that are tied with silver cords, shalt thou in no wise receive."
+
+"O raiser of false expectations," cried the lady, "and betrayer of her
+that has trusted thee, among all the sons of Adam there is none more
+utterly contemptible than thou. In the dignity of thy carriage thou
+appearest unto me as a thing abhorred; I like not thy wisdom; I have no
+fellowship with thy knowledge, and I despise the insolent shining of thy
+inner light."
+
+"O woman of a light mind and a debased appetite," said Abdulla, "thy
+wits have gone astray, and thou babblest like one asleep, confounding
+the things that are not with the things that are. Abdulla, the
+water-seller, of whom thou speakest, is long numbered with the dead, and
+the waters of forgetfulness have flowed over his record. Only this day I
+heard afar off the last rumour which the world hath concerning him. And
+this was the rumour: that, on a day, perceiving one athirst in the
+byways, Abdulla gave him freely three drops of water from the dregs of
+his water-skin, thereby earning the favour of Allah (whose name he
+exalted!) and the promise of Paradise. But going forth in the way he met
+a man having the Evil Eye; and lo, it straightway entered into the heart
+of Abdulla to fill his water-skin with the sweetmeats of the infidel,
+that he might find favour in the eyes of a frivolous woman--even one
+such as thou art. And God (than whom there is no other!), being angered
+at the folly of Abdulla, made a hole in the skin, and sent forth the
+Terminator of Delights to end his days. So the water-seller died, and
+the weight of his water-skin, laden with sweetmeats, went forth with his
+soul. And this, being heavy, dragged him down to the place of darkness,
+where the sweetmeats fell out through the hole in the skin and were
+eaten of devils."
+
+At this the woman banged-to the lattice and disappeared.
+
+Abdulla started at the sound of the closing lattice. He was in a
+standing posture on the roof of his house. The mat on which he slept was
+tossed into a heap, and the empty water-skin, which served him for a
+pillow, had been thrown some yards from its place. Abdulla looked over
+the parapet eastwards; and he saw the desert rose-red in the dawn.
+
+For a long time Abdulla walked to and fro on the roof of his house
+pondering the things that had happened to him both in the day and the
+night. To piece the story together was no easy matter, for there were
+gaps in his memory, and, though some of the incidents were clear, others
+were perplexingly dim. Moreover, the incidents that were clear seemed to
+change places with those that were dim, so that the line between his
+dreams and his waking experiences was now in one place and now in
+another. He could not be sure, for example, that the fraying of his
+water-skin belonged to the one class rather than the other, and so rapid
+was the transition from conviction to doubt that he examined the skin
+no less than five times to satisfy himself the hole was there.
+
+The longer he meditated on these things the greater became his confusion
+of mind, and by the time the sun was fully risen from the desert he was
+well-nigh distracted and beginning to doubt of his own identity. In vain
+did he repeat the Seven Exorcisms, the Four Prayers, the Tecbir, the
+Adan, and the Two Professions of Faith, calling on the name of Allah
+between the exercises, and extolling His majesty every time. At last
+Abdulla began to wring his hands and to cry aloud like one bereft of
+intelligence.
+
+While thus lamenting, it suddenly seemed to him that one from a far
+distance was calling him by name. Checking his cries, he listened. The
+voice came nearer and nearer, and presently broke out in familiar tones
+at his very side.
+
+"What aileth thee, O Abdulla?" said the voice. "Hast thou partaken of
+the intoxicating drug? Has the Evil Eye encountered thee? Or sufferest
+thou from a visitation of God?"
+
+"O my mother," answered Abdulla, "there is none else besides thee under
+heaven who can ease my pain and give me counsel in my perplexity. The
+sound of thy voice is to me like running waters to him that perisheth of
+thirst. Know that a great bewilderment has overtaken me, so that I
+discern no more the things that are not from the things that are."
+
+"That which was foreordained has come to pass," said the woman. "Thou
+wast marked on thy forehead in the hour of thy birth; and I saw it, and
+knew that things hidden from the foundation of the earth would be
+revealed unto thee. Lo, the mark is on thy forehead still. O Abdulla, my
+son, thou art no longer a seller of water, but a seer of the Inner
+Substance, and divulger of secrets."
+
+"O my mother," said Abdulla, "I know not what thou sayest. The Inner
+Substance is a thing whereof I have never heard, and there is no secret
+that I can divulge. Only a dream of the night season has troubled me,
+and even now it seemeth to mingle with the things that God makes
+visible, so that the desert floats like a yellow cloud, and thine own
+form undulates before me like the morning mist."
+
+"Thy confusion," said the woman, "is caused by the intermingling of the
+worlds, which few among the sons of men are permitted to note; and the
+undulations that bewilder thee are made by the river of Time. What thou
+seest is the passing of that which was into that which is, and of that
+which is into that which is to be. But rouse thy mind quickly, O my son,
+and betake thyself on the instant to a skilful Interpreter of Dreams,
+that the matter be resolved."
+
+"I hear and obey," said Abdulla; and he ran down the steps of his house
+into the street.
+
+As he passed through the door, Selim the courier called to him from the
+other side.
+
+"O thou that dwellest alone," cried Selim, "hast thou taken to thyself a
+wife? Has Zobeida proved gracious?"
+
+"Nay, verily," answered Abdulla. "I have broken a vow and Zobeida
+rejecteth me utterly. And know, O Selim, that I am a man sore troubled
+with dreams in the night season, so that a spirit of amazement hath
+possessed me, and I discern not the light from the darkness, nor the
+shadow from the substance."
+
+"Thou tellest a strange thing," said Selim. "Nevertheless, I heard thee
+speaking scarce a moment gone with one on the roof."
+
+"My mother was come from the lower parts of the house to comfort me,"
+said Abdulla, "and it was with her that I spake."
+
+"Verily, thou art bewitched," answered the other. "More than twenty
+years have passed since thy mother entered into the Mercy of God, and
+her body is dust within the tomb."
+
+Abdulla's answer was a piteous cry. He leaned for support against the
+wall of his house, spreading out his hands like one who would save
+himself from falling.
+
+"O Selim," he cried, "I am encompassed with forgetfulness, and my heart
+is eradicated within me. Said I not unto thee that I discern no more
+between the darkness and the light, between the shadow and the
+substance? But I swear to thee, by the beard of the Prophet, that she
+with whom I spake was the mother who bore me. She stretched out her arms
+towards me and touched the mark on my forehead, and bade me hasten to
+the Interpreter of Dreams that the matter might be resolved."
+
+"It is a sign from Allah," said Selim; "and I doubt not that thou wilt
+die the death at the hand of the infidel and be received into Paradise.
+For know that thou hast been called two days ago, and the sergeant is
+even now seeking for thee."
+
+"That also I had forgotten," said Abdulla. "I will hasten forthwith to
+the Interpreter of Dreams, and thereafter I will report me to the
+sergeant. And the rest shall be as Allah willeth."
+
+And Abdulla passed on his way to the Interpreter of Dreams.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Suddenly he realised that his path was blocked by a crowd, and looking
+up he saw above him, on the other side of the street, the lattice of
+Zobeida. "Verily," he thought, "I have made a long circuit; for this
+house lieth not in the way."
+
+Loud cries were coming from the house, mingled with curses and the sound
+of hands beaten against the wall. As soon as Abdulla appeared, one of
+the crowd called out towards the lattice:
+
+"O woman that cursest in the darkness, come now to the light, that we
+may hear thy maledictions more plainly, and be refreshed by the beauty
+of thy countenance. Lo, he who is thy enemy passeth even now beneath the
+window. Come forth, then, and the sight of him shall be as a fire in thy
+bones, inspiring thy tongue to the invention of disastrous epithets and
+calamitous imprecations. And we, on our part, will hold him fast, even
+the accursed Abdulla, that he run not away till his destiny is
+pronounced and his doom completed."
+
+At this the lattice was burst open, and Zobeida, tearing aside her veil,
+displayed a countenance of wrath. Her hair was dishevelled, her cheeks
+were soiled with ashes and tears, her eyes were like coals of fire, and
+her voice hissed and rang like the sword of a slayer in the day of
+battle.
+
+"O Abdulla," she cried, "of a truth thou art the Emperor of liars and
+the Sultan of rogues. May the Abaser of Pride rub thy nose in the dust!"
+
+"O my mistress," answered Abdulla, "impose upon thyself, I beseech thee,
+the obligation of good manners."
+
+"Dog and son of a dog----" cried Zobeida. But Abdulla heard no more. A
+distant confusion of sounds had arisen. It drew nearer with amazing
+rapidity, and finally broke forth into the tramp of marching feet, the
+rumbling of wheels, and the booming of a drum. The houses melted away,
+the sound of Zobeida's voice grew fainter and fainter, and the knot of
+bystanders was gone.
+
+Abdulla sprang to attention and looked about him. He was in the main
+street of the city, and opposite was the house of the Interpreter of
+Dreams. Coming down the street was a regiment of Turkish infantry, with
+a battery of guns following behind. And a dim memory passed, like a
+swift shadow, over the mind of Abdulla.
+
+For an instant he was bemused, and one who passed by heard him muttering
+broken words. "The long way round," he murmured; "the lattice of
+Zobeida--a caravan of camels laden with sweetmeats--dog and the son of a
+dog." Then a wind passed over his face, and it seemed to him that he had
+been thinking foolishly. "Well for me," he replied, "that I went not
+round by the house of Zobeida. For the time is short and I too am
+called." And with that he crossed over, making haste that he might reach
+the other side before the marching column blocked the street.
+
+The house of the Interpreter was built after the European fashion, and
+on the door was a large brass knocker after the manner of the Franks.
+Abdulla stretched forth his hand, and was about to raise the knocker
+when one plucked him by the sleeve. Turning round he saw a man in the
+uniform of an officer of artillery.
+
+"Wherefore hast thou not reported thyself?" said the officer. "Thy name
+was called two days ago, and verily thou runnest a risk of being shot."
+
+"O my master, a bewilderment hath overtaken me," said Abdulla, "so that
+I forget all things and know not the day from the night. Lo, even now, I
+seek the Interpreter of Dreams that the matter may be resolved."
+
+"Thou art in a way to have thy dreams interpreted by a bullet through
+the brain," said the officer. "Leave then thy dreaming and hold thy
+peace; or, by Allah, I will proclaim thy cowardice forthwith and order
+thy arrest. Fall in!"
+
+Abdulla had no choice. A moment later he was marching in step with a
+squad of reservists who followed in the rear of the guns.
+
+As the column passed down the street a veiled woman stepped out from the
+edge of the crowd, and, taking three paces by the side of Abdulla,
+whispered in his ear:
+
+"Play the man."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+They were now at the station, entraining for the seat of war. The
+carriages were crowded with shouting soldiery, and many, unable to find
+room within, had clambered on the roofs. Among these was Abdulla,
+crouching silent.
+
+Suddenly a man in European costume forced his way along the platform and
+called him by name.
+
+"Art thou Abdulla, the water-seller of Damascus?" said the man.
+
+"I am he."
+
+"Come down, then, that I may speak with thee. And hasten, for the time
+is short."
+
+"Stay thou behind and let these go," said the European, when Abdulla had
+descended from the roof. "I will purchase thy release from the Pasha.
+Nay, the matter is already arranged, and none of these will hinder thee
+if thou stayest."
+
+"And wherefore should I do this?" asked Abdulla.
+
+"For a weighty and good reason," said the European. "Know that the fame
+of thee has reached to London, to Paris, to New York. Thou art spoken
+of as one who hath a power upon thee which may aid in opening up the
+things that have been hidden from the foundation of the earth. And the
+probers of secrets have sent me that I may search thee out, and engage
+thee at a great salary, and take thee with me to the seats of the
+learned and the cities of the West."
+
+"Thou art in error," said Abdulla, "for power such as thou speakest of
+belongeth not to me. Of a truth, I am one who walketh in a great
+bewilderment, and the spirit of forgetfulness hath overpowered me. But
+withal I am a common man, of whom Allah hath created millions, and it
+was but yesterday I was seeking the Interpreter of Dreams, that I might
+pay him the fee and have the matter resolved."
+
+"I am the Interpreter of Dreams whom thou soughtest," said the other,
+"and I dwell in the house built in the European fashion, with the great
+knocker of brass, after the manner of the Franks."
+
+"Thy name?" said Abdulla.
+
+"My name is Professor----"--but an escape of steam from the panting
+locomotive drowned the next word,--"and I am come from London to fetch
+thee."
+
+"I go not with thee," said Abdulla, "for thou seemest to be one whom the
+Deluder of Intelligence is leading astray. I have but dreams to tell
+thee; and if thou wantest dreams, hast thou none of thine own? Verily, a
+dream is but a little thing."
+
+"Thou errest," shouted the other--for Abdulla had now climbed back on to
+the roof,--"a dream is a thing more wonderful than aught else the
+Creator hath appointed, and there is none among the sons of Adam who
+understandeth the coming and the going thereof. But if thou wilt come
+with me----"
+
+The Interpreter broke off in the middle of his sentence, for the train
+was moving out of the station, and he saw that Abdulla could no longer
+hear the words.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The battery to which Abdulla was attached lay in a hollow to the rear of
+the main battle, awaiting orders to take up a position in the front. It
+was the first time he had been under fire. Dead bodies, horridly
+mangled, lay around, and a straggling throng of wounded men, some
+silent, some unmanned by agony, and all terrible to look upon, was
+passing by. As Abdulla saw these things, the fear of death grew strong
+within him. His body trembled and his face was blanched.
+
+Seeing his state his companions began to deride him. Presently a gaily
+dressed officer, passing where he was, paused in front of him, and
+drawing a small mirror from his pocket held it in front of the trembling
+man, and said:
+
+"Look in this, O Abdulla, and thou wilt see the face of a coward."
+
+Abdulla looked in the mirror and saw there the very face which had
+confronted him not long ago in the shop window of the Greek.
+
+The soldiers around him burst into a roar of laughter as Abdulla looked
+in the mirror; but he heard them not.
+
+He was busy in inward colloquy. "O thou that tremblest in thy body," he
+was saying to himself, "O Abdulla the coward, hearken unto me. Behold
+yon rider coming swiftly, and know, O thou craven carcase, that he
+bringeth the order to advance. Thinkest thou to stay behind, and then
+run away stealthily, and get thee back to thy water-selling in Damascus
+and to thy dallyings with a woman? Yea, verily, thou thinkest it; and
+even now contrivest within thyself how thou mayest steal away and not be
+seen. But know thou that I who speak to thee will suffer not thy
+cowardice. I will force thee presently to carry thy trembling limbs to
+yonder line, whence come these whom thou seest in their pain. Thither
+will I take thee, and I will hold thee fast in a place where death
+cometh to four of every five. Not a step backward shalt thou go. Nay,
+rather, I will blow a flame through thy nostrils into the marrow of thy
+bones, driving thee forward, until I have thee firm in the very hottest
+of the fire. See, the signal rises! Hark, the trumpet sounds! Up then,
+thou quaking carrion, for thy hour is come.--Well done! Those behind
+thee are taking note that thou tremblest no more! By Allah, I have
+conquered thee and have thee utterly in my power!"
+
+Every man was in his place. Abdulla, firm and ready, the rebuking voice
+now silent within him, sat on the leading gun-horse; the traces that
+bound it to the gun were already taut, and the whip-hand of the driver
+was aloft in air. The word is given, the whips descend, and the whole
+thundering train of men and beasts, with Abdulla at its head, sweeps
+forward to the place of sacrifice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The battle was lost, and the long ridge on which Abdulla's battery had
+been posted was carpeted with dead and dying men. A pall of yellow
+smoke, broken from moment to moment by the flashes of exploding
+shrapnel, hung over the ridge, and a blazing house immediately behind
+the position shed a copper-coloured glare over the appalling scene. A
+cold and cursed rain was falling, and stricken men, in extremities of
+thirst, were lapping pools of water defiled with their own blood.
+
+Of the twelve guns that formed the battery, all were dismantled save
+one, and by this there stood a solitary man, the only upright figure
+from end to end of the ridge. It was Abdulla. For five hours he had done
+his duty untouched by shot, shell, or bayonet. He had continued the
+service of his gun till the last round of ammunition was expended; and
+when a cry arose among the survivors that they should save themselves,
+he had watched the last stragglers depart and refused to stir from his
+post. And now he stood inactive and motionless, alone in a
+copper-coloured wilderness of agony and death.
+
+Twice the enemy had attempted by desperate charges to storm the hill,
+and, save for the lull in the artillery fire which preceded these
+attacks, the work of death had hardly ceased for a moment. Even now it
+still went on, slaying those who were half slain. Unable to see clearly
+the state of things on the ridge, or behind it, and unaware that the
+defence was totally annihilated, the enemy had hardly slackened his
+fire. Scores of shrapnel were bursting overhead, and the singing of the
+rifle bullets was like the hum of bees in swarming time. As the shells
+exploded and the pitiless missiles came thrashing down, Abdulla noticed
+how, after each explosion, some portion of the human carpet would toss
+and undulate for a moment, as though the wind had got under it, and then
+subside again into its place. The numbness and exhaustion of other
+faculties had liberated his powers of observation, and at that moment
+they were abnormally acute.
+
+Fear, even the memory of fear, had long departed, and of mental distress
+there was none, save a sense of immobility and powerlessness, such as a
+man may have in an ugly dream. Abdulla leaned on the wheel of the
+gun-carriage, gazing on the scene around him as a spectacle to be
+studied; and he watched the shells bursting overhead with no more
+concern than he would have felt for a passing flight of birds. He was
+aware of his utter loneliness, and now and then a slight stir of
+self-compassion would ripple the lucid depths of his consciousness. With
+a certain repugnance, also, he noticed the copper-coloured light, which
+shed its glare in every direction as far as he could see.
+
+The tensest hours of his life, during which he had exerted his body with
+furious energy, and his senses had been incessantly assailed with every
+kind of shock, had ended in a feeling, amounting almost to conviction,
+that the events in which he had participated, the deeds he had done, and
+the spectacle now before him were the tissue of a dream.
+
+Blustering facts that bludgeon and bombard the senses, often provoke us,
+by the very violence of their self-announcement, to suspect them as
+illusory. Reality is a low-voiced, soft-footed thing; a mean between two
+extremes, clothed at all times in the garments of modesty and reserve,
+which neither strives nor cries nor lifts up its voice in the streets.
+But when the gods are drunk and the heavens in uproar, and the thing
+called "fact" is unrestrained, ranting and storming about the stage like
+an ill-mannered actor--then it is that the cup begins to pass away from
+us, and a still small voice whispers within that the whole performance
+is a masquerade.
+
+Thus had it happened to Abdulla. Dreamer as he was, he had never yet
+been able to detect himself in the act of dreaming. But now the waking
+state was over-wakeful, and at the very moment when each nerve in his
+body was strung to utmost tension, and the sense organs in full
+commission, and fact in its most brutal form thundering on the gates of
+his mind, there came to him a calm that was more than vacancy, a
+conviction that he was in the land of dreams, and a peaceful
+foreshadowing that he would soon awake.
+
+"And yet," he thought, "it is weary work, this waiting for the spell to
+break. Ha, that one would have done it, had I stood a span further to
+the left! Why cannot they wake me? Are not a hundred pieces of artillery
+sufficient to rouse one solitary man from his dreams? Stay! What if I am
+wakened already? And what if this be hell? If so, is it so much worse
+than earth? But please Allah that I stand not thus for all eternity,
+waiting for the dream to pass. Ah! I was hit that time"--and he put his
+hand to the region of his heart. "A mere graze. Perhaps the next will do
+better. Allah send me a thing to do! Ho, thou Selim! Hast thou life in
+thee to stand upright and do a thing? I saw thee raise thyself a moment
+ago. If thou hast strength, bestir thyself a little, and thou and I will
+find another round, and fire a last shot before we pass."
+
+Selim the courier was lying behind the gun with a dozen others, dead or
+wounded to death. Abdulla had hardly finished speaking when a shrapnel
+burst over the heap, and Selim, who had been lying face downward on the
+top, flung himself round in the last agony. As the bullets struck, the
+whole heap seemed to disperse, the bodies spreading outward into a ring
+with a hollow space in the midst.
+
+Then Abdulla saw a thing that caused his heart to leap for joy. Lying in
+the hollow made by the dispersion of the bodies was a round of
+ammunition which some man had been carrying at the moment he was
+stricken down, and which had hitherto been covered up by the dead. At
+the sight of it, a sudden inspiration fell like a thunderbolt upon
+Abdulla's dream. The sense of immobility was gone. "By Allah, thou art
+alive and awake!" he cried, addressing himself. "Quick, thou slave of a
+body! Thou hast yet strength in thee to open the breech-piece of the
+gun, and the cartridge is not so heavy but that these arms can lift it.
+Up, then, and act!"
+
+He sprang forward. Quick as thought he seized the cartridge and carried
+his burden back to the gun.
+
+Then he stretched forth his hand to grasp the lever which controlled the
+mechanism of the breech. But before his fingers closed on the metal he
+paused for the briefest instant to look around him. In one glance he
+took in the whole scene in all its extent and detail--the long ridge
+under the copper-coloured light, the carpet of moaning or silent forms,
+the dead body of Selim, the dismantled guns, the valley below, the
+enemy's position on the further side, and the red spurts of flame from
+his artillery. He noted also that the rain had ceased and the setting
+sun had broken through the cloud.
+
+Then, on a sudden, the vast view seemed to fall away into an
+immeasurable distance, and, as a landscape contracts when seen from the
+wrong end of the telescope, drew inwards from its edges with incredible
+rapidity until it occupied no more space than is enclosed by the
+circumference of the smallest coin. And in the same flash of time it was
+gone altogether.
+
+As it went, Abdulla felt his fingers close on the cold metal.
+
+They closed on the metal, and Abdulla saw without the least surprise
+that the thing he held in his hand was the knocker of brass on the door
+of the Interpreter of Dreams.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+He knew no shock, asked himself no questions, perceived no breach of
+continuity. He lifted the knocker, and its fall sounded in the street of
+Damascus at the very instant that the boom of the bursting shell, which
+had blown the water-seller to fragments, was reverberating over
+Tchatalja.
+
+Abdulla knocked. As he waited for the door to open he looked up and down
+the street. He had arrived in Damascus overnight, and his surroundings
+were yet strange to him. Nevertheless, as he continued to look at the
+houses and the passers-by, a suspicion crossed his mind that he had been
+in this place before. "Perhaps I have dreamed of such a place," he
+thought. "But surely the face of yonder man is familiar. Where did I see
+one like him? In Paris? In London? Ho thou, with the courier's badge on
+thine arm! A word with thee."
+
+The man paused at the doorstep, and Abdulla looked him full in the face.
+Instantly his mind became confused, his tongue began to stammer, and he
+heard himself speaking of he knew not what. "Hast thou life in thee?" he
+said. "If so, bestir thyself and thou and I----" But the words broke
+off, and Abdulla stood mouthing.
+
+"Thou babblest like one intoxicated," said the man. "May Allah preserve
+thy wits!" And he passed on.
+
+The door opened, and Abdulla's mind became clear. A moment later he
+stood in the presence of the Interpreter of Dreams.
+
+"Who art thou?" said the Interpreter, "and what is the occasion of thy
+coming?"
+
+"I am a Cairene," said Abdulla, "born of Syrian parentage in this city,
+but taken hence when I was an infant of five years. I am come to
+Damascus for a purpose which thou and I have in common. I, too, am a
+student of dreams."
+
+"Of which kind?" asked the Interpreter. "For know that dreams are of two
+kinds: dreams of the worlds that were, and dreams of the worlds that are
+to be. Of which hast thou knowledge?"
+
+"Of a world that was," said Abdulla.
+
+"Thou hast chosen a thankless study," answered the other. "Few will
+trust thy discoveries. For a thousand who will believe thee if thou
+teachest of a world that is to be, there is scarce one who will listen
+if thou speakest of a world that was. But tell me thy history, and name
+thy qualifications."
+
+"I have been educated in the Universities of the West," said Abdulla,
+"and there I sat at the feet of one who taught me a doctrine which he
+had learnt from a master of the ancient time. And the doctrine was this:
+that worlds without end lie enfolded one within the other like the
+petals of a rose; and the next world after differs from the next world
+before no more than a full water-skin differs from itself when two drops
+of water have fallen from its mouth. 'The world,' taught the master, 'is
+a memory and a dream, and at every stage of its existence it beholds the
+image of its past and the fainter image of its future reflected as in a
+glass.'"
+
+"And why makest thou the world that was before of more account than the
+world that comes after?"
+
+"I said not that I made it of more account," answered Abdulla, "but that
+my knowledge was of this rather than of that. But know that I am a
+dreamer of dreams, and it is the world before that my dreams have
+revealed to me."
+
+"Tell me thy dreams."
+
+"It is of them that I came to speak with thee. There is one dream that
+ever recurreth both in the day and the night. Seventy times seven have I
+seen a frayed water-skin, having a hole in a certain part, no larger
+than an olive-stone."
+
+"That is a small matter," said the Interpreter, "and such things concern
+us not. But I suspect that thou art not at the end of thy story. For,
+verily, thou hast not travelled from the cities of the West to speak of
+a thing so slight. Say, therefore, what has brought thee to Damascus."
+
+"That also I would tell thee; for it is a matter to be pondered. Thou
+art of the wise, and knowest, therefore, that there is a virtue in
+places and a power in localities. In one, the light of the soul is
+extinguished; in another, it is kindled; in one, the reason dies; in
+another, the half-thought becomes a whole, and the doctrine that is
+dimly apprehended becomes clear. Now, being in the city of Paris, I
+conversed with one of the French who had visited the holy places of his
+religion, where he had meditated in solitude and seen visions and
+dreamed dreams; and I told him that I had a doctrine newly born, half
+grown. 'O Abdulla,' he said, 'there is a virtue in places and a power in
+localities. Go thou, therefore, to the city of Damascus, for that is a
+place where, in days that are gone, the half-thought became a whole, and
+the doctrine dimly apprehended became clear. Put thyself on the way to
+Damascus and await the issue.'"
+
+At these words the Interpreter rose from his seat and paced the room in
+thought.
+
+"The man of whom thou speakest," he said at length, "is known to me; and
+many are they whom he has guided to this place. Rightly sayest thou that
+there is a virtue in places and a power in localities. And here the
+power still lingers which the world lost when mankind took to babbling.
+Thy reason for coming hither is mine also. Seest thou not that I have
+made my dwelling in the Street that is called Straight?"
+
+"I see and understand," said Abdulla.
+
+There was another pause, and again the Interpreter paced the room. Then
+he resumed:
+
+"Between thee and me there is need of little speech to attain a
+comprehension, and the short sentence meaneth more than the long
+explanation. Nevertheless, I would fain hear the rest of thy story.
+Proceed then, and tell me of the dreams that came to thee on the way to
+Damascus."
+
+"On the way itself," said Abdulla, "there came no dreams. But this very
+day I sat by the bank of the river, full of thought, and methinks sleep
+overpowered me--though I know not. And there came a poor man carrying a
+water-skin, and I, looking upon him, saw that his face was like unto
+mine own, but marred by his toil and his poverty. And the man sat
+himself down, leaning against a palm-tree on the side away from the sun,
+and slept. Then I arose and stood before him, and expounded to him my
+doctrine, and he seemed as one that saw and heard, though asleep. And
+when his eyes were opened he saw me no more, but took up his water-skin
+and filled it at the river, making mention of the name of God.
+
+"I followed him into the city, and saw one thrust him against the wall
+so that his water-skin was frayed. Thereafter the water-skin burst, and
+a hole appeared in a certain part the size of an olive-stone, and the
+remnant of the water flowed forth. But, passing a certain street, a
+woman called to him to give her little ones to drink. And I, being hard
+by, and seeming to know the woman, whispered to the man that he should
+pass his hands craftily over the skin, if peradventure a drop remained
+to moisten the lips of them that cried out for the thirst. But none
+remained, and the man went on his way sorrowing.
+
+"Then I lost him for a while; but as night fell I found him again,
+standing in front of a glass window and meditating a thing that was
+dishonest. And the man looking through the window saw me standing among
+the goods that were in the shop. Whereupon he changed his design and
+ran away.
+
+"I wandered through the streets of the city, and passing by a certain
+house, a frivolous woman looked out from a lattice and reviled me. I
+understood not the things that she spake, and having answered the woman
+I departed. Then I bethought me that she had taken me for another, and,
+remembering that the face of the water-seller was like unto mine own, I
+surmised that it was he.
+
+"Suddenly, I know not how, I found myself in a place of battle, armed
+like the rest, and, turning aside, I saw, standing among the harnessed
+horses of a gun-team, the man whose water-selling I had watched in the
+city. And the spirit of fear was upon him; his countenance was blanched
+and his body all aquake; and I, ashamed that one who bore my own
+semblance should stand disgraced among his fellows, rebuked him for his
+cowardice; and methought I blew a fire through his nostrils into the
+marrow of his bones. Then the man took courage and, mounting his horse
+with alacrity, went forward with the bravest to the place of death.
+
+"Thereafter I saw him no more. But this very hour, even as I lifted thy
+knocker of brass, a great light shone round about me, a sound of thunder
+shook the air, and a voice said, 'Lo! thy broken water-skin is mended
+and full of water. Go forth, therefore, and give to them that are
+athirst.' Whereupon it seemed to me that the half-thought became a
+whole, and the doctrine that was dimly apprehended grew clear. And now I
+am a man prepared to go forward, even as he was into whom I blew the
+breath of courage on the field of death. A thing that was holding me
+back is gone from me, and lo! I am free."
+
+"Perchance one has ministered unto thee, even as thou didst minister to
+that other in the hour when he was afraid," said the Interpreter.
+
+"That may be," said Abdulla. "But did I not tell thee that as yet I have
+no knowledge of the world that will be?"
+
+"The knowledge awaits thee, and will begin from this hour," said the
+Interpreter. "Most assuredly that which thou tellest is an image of the
+world that was; and he that dreameth of the one world dreameth also in
+due season of the other. But hearken now while I put thee to the
+question; and if thou answerest according to thy doctrine, peradventure
+the interpretation of thy vision will appear in the issue."
+
+"Say on," said Abdulla.
+
+"This, then, is the question. Thinkest thou, O Dreamer, that when a man
+dies and enters Paradise, he knows of his condition, as who should say,
+'Lo, I am now a disembodied spirit, having just passed through the
+article of death, and these before me are the Gates of Heaven, and
+yonder shining thing is the Throne of God?'"
+
+"Nay, verily," said Abdulla, "in this and in every world the Throne of
+God is revealed after one and the same manner, and never shall it be
+seen in any world save by such as follow there the Loyal Path whereby it
+is found in this. And he who beholdeth not the Gates of Paradise in the
+world where he is, will look for them in vain in the world where he is
+to be."
+
+"Art thou willing to think, then, that thou and I are in Paradise even
+at this hour?"
+
+"Thou hintest at the doctrine that has been revealed to me," said the
+other. "It may be even as thou sayest. For certain am I that thou and I
+have died many deaths; and as there is another world in respect of this,
+so is this world another in respect of them that went before. Great is
+the error which deemeth that the number of the worlds is but two, and
+that death, therefore, cometh once only to a man, when he passeth from
+the first to the second. Of death, as of life, the kinds are
+innumerable; and of these, that which destroyeth the body at the end is
+only one, and perhaps not the chief. Whatsoever changeth into its
+contrary must needs die in the act; so that except one die, grief cannot
+pass into joy, nor darkness into light, nor evil into good; neither can
+the lost be found, nor the sleeper awake. Wherefore it may be that thou
+and I are in Paradise even now."
+
+"Thou speakest to the question," said the Interpreter. "Some there are,
+as thou sayest, who, being in Paradise already, will still be asking
+whether Paradise awaits them. And if the enlightened go thus astray, how
+much deeper is the ignorance of the darkened! For in no place, O
+Abdulla, is Hell more doubted of than in Hell itself."
+
+"I have lived in the cities of the West and have observed that very
+thing," said Abdulla. "Many a damned soul have I heard making boast of
+his good estate, and many a doubt of Judgment shouted forth from the
+very flames of the Pit. For how shall a man know when he is now dead and
+come to Judgment? Doth he live in his dying, and, taking note of his
+last breath, say within himself, 'Lo, now I am dead'? And if he know not
+the single occasion of his dying, how should he remember even though
+death worketh upon him daily and passeth over him a thousand times?"
+
+"Death and forgetting are one," said the Interpreter, "and the memory of
+dying perisheth like a dream. But some there are to whom Allah hath
+appointed a station at the place of passage and set as watchmen at the
+intermingling of the worlds. These pass to and fro over the bridges,
+gathering tidings from forgotten realms; and much of majesty and worth
+that escapeth the common sort is apparent unto them. And of such, O
+Abdulla, thy dreams declare thee to be one."
+
+"Hast thou no further interpretation?" asked Abdulla.
+
+"Hark!" said the other. "The full interpretation cometh even now."
+
+And, as he spoke, the brass knocker sounded on the door.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Thus endeth "The Hole in the Water-skin."_
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+DR PIECRAFT CLEARS HIS MIND
+
+
+Throughout the whole of this long prelection Dr Phippeny Piecraft had
+scarcely moved a muscle, listening with ever deeper attention as the
+story went on. Once only had he interrupted the reader.
+
+"You are coming now," he had said, "to the deleted passage about Dual
+Personality. Don't forget to read it."
+
+"Pardon me," said the young man, "I passed that point some minutes
+since. The writer had pencilled against the passage, '_Omit, spoils the
+unity_.' So, from respect to his wishes, I left it out."
+
+"It was well done," Piecraft had answered. "Unity is all-important.
+Proceed."
+
+And now, the reading being over, the two men sat for several minutes
+facing one another in silence. Presently the reader said:
+
+"Well, have you identified the author?"
+
+"I have," said Piecraft. "The tale is a reminiscence of some old
+speculations of mine. I wrote every word of it myself, and I finished it
+last night."
+
+"How came you to think that it was written by somebody else?"
+
+"That is what puzzles me. But I can give a partial explanation.
+Last night, after finishing the tale, I had a dream, which was
+extremely vivid, though I find it impossible now to recall the details.
+I dreamt that I was writing a story under the title of _Dual
+Personality_--something about a gamekeeper and two young lords who
+interchanged their characters. It was a sort of nightmare, partly
+accounted for by the fact that my health, until to-day, has been
+indifferent. When you came in this morning the influence of the dream
+lingered in sufficient strength to make me think I had actually written
+the story dreamed about, and not the one you have just read out. It was
+an illusion."
+
+"Illusion is an integral part of reality," said the young man.
+
+"Is that an original remark?" asked Piecraft. "Somehow I seem to
+remember having heard it before."
+
+"It is a quotation," answered the other. "I am in the habit of using it
+for the enlightenment of new-comers."
+
+"New-comers!" exclaimed Piecraft. "My dear fellow, do you know that my
+brass plate has been on this house for over ten years. It is you who are
+the new-comer, not I."
+
+The young man smiled. "It has been on this house much longer than that,
+but you are a new-comer all the same," said he.
+
+"I don't catch your drift," said Piecraft. "What do you mean?"
+
+"It takes time to answer that," said the other. "Be content to learn
+gradually."
+
+"There's something strange about all this," said Piecraft, "which I
+should like to clear up at once. I don't seem to know exactly where I
+am. Do you mind shaking me? For I'm half inclined to think that I'm fast
+asleep and dreaming--like Abdulla, in the story."
+
+"You were never so wide-awake in your life. But if you wish for an
+immediate enlightenment, I can take you to a house in the next street,
+when the whole position will be cleared up at once."
+
+"Come along," said Piecraft. "I feel like a man who is in for a big
+adventure. There's something interesting in this."
+
+As they passed down the street, Piecraft said: "Would you mind telling
+me as we walk along what you think of the story you read just now? It's
+not in my usual style; in fact, it's quite a new departure, and I'm very
+anxious, before publishing, to know what impression it makes on good
+judges."
+
+"The story is not bad for a first attempt," said the young man. "You'll
+learn to express yourself better later on. It was a bold thing on your
+part to tackle that subject right away. To handle it properly requires
+much more experience than you have had. There are one or two points
+which you have presented in a false light, and you have mixed some
+things up which ought to have been kept separate. But, on the whole, you
+have no reason to be discouraged."
+
+"I'm surprised at what you say," returned Piecraft. "As to my being a
+beginner, I had a notion that I was a novelist of standing, as well as a
+Gold Medallist in Cerebral Pathology. But just now I'm not going to
+dogmatise about that or anything else. It's just possible that I'm still
+under the illusion produced by the dream of last night. Meanwhile, I'm
+really anxious to know what has happened. The things about me are
+familiar--and yet somehow not the same as I remember them. They look as
+though the old dirt had been washed out of them."
+
+"You are getting on remarkably well," said his companion. "The whole
+world has been spring-cleaned since you saw it last."
+
+"You have an original way of expressing yourself," said Piecraft. "Your
+style reminds me of a young half-brother of mine. He was lost in a
+steamer whose name I can't remember--when was it? His conversation was
+always picturesque. And, by the way, that suggests another thing. The
+young girl who waited on me, this morning--who is she?"
+
+"Why do you ask?"
+
+"Because she's so uncommonly like a girl I used to run after in the old
+days--a student at the Slade School of Art. And a wonderfully good, nice
+girl she was. Her father, who was said to be a scoundrel, got ten years
+for alleged embezzlement; and the girl gave me up because I wouldn't
+take his side. How she stuck to him through thick and thin! I tell you,
+my boy, she was a loyal soul! I wonder if she is still alive."
+
+"Such souls are hard to kill," said the other.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By this time the pair had arrived at the house indicated by the
+messenger. On the door of it was an enormous knocker of brass.
+
+"Knock, and it shall be opened," said the young man.
+
+Dr Piecraft had lifted the knocker and was about to let it fall when he
+heard his name called loudly down the street and saw a man running
+towards him with a piece of paper in his hand. The man approached and
+Piecraft, taking the paper, read as follows:
+
+"_Dr Phippeny Piecraft is needed at once for a matter of life and
+death._"
+
+"I must be off immediately," he said to his companion; "I am called to
+an urgent case. It's a matter of life and death. Duty first, my boy, and
+the clearing-up of mysteries afterwards! Remember what the sergeant said
+to Abdulla when he plucked him by the sleeve. Besides--who knows?--this
+may mean that the practice is going to revive."
+
+"That is precisely what it does mean," said the young man. "Matters of
+life and death are extremely common just now, and you are the very man
+to deal with them."
+
+"How do you know that?" said Piecraft with some astonishment; and, as he
+spoke the words, without thinking he released the lifted knocker from
+his hand.
+
+The knocker fell, and the instant it struck the door Dr Phippeny
+Piecraft knew where he was.
+
+"_It's wonderfully like the old home_," he said.
+
+A familiar laugh sounded behind him.
+
+He turned round; and the man who grasped his hand was Jim.
+
+
+
+
+THE PROFESSOR'S MARE
+
+
+I
+
+The Reverend John Scattergood, D.D., Professor of Systematic Theology,
+was of Puritan descent. The founder of the family was Caleb
+Scatter-the-good-seed, a cornet of horse in Cromwell's army, who had
+earned his master's favour by prowess at the battle of Dunbar. The
+family tradition averred that when Cromwell halted the pursuit of
+Leslie's shattered forces for the purpose of singing the 117th Psalm, it
+was Caleb Scatter-the-good-seed who gave out the tune and led the
+psalmody. This he did at the beginning of every verse by striking a
+tuning-fork on his bloody sword. He was mounted, said the tradition, on
+a coal-black horse.
+
+John Scattergood, D.D., was a hard-headed theologian. His lectures on
+Systematic Theology ended, as all who attended them will remember, in a
+cogent demonstration of the Friendliness of the Universe, firmly
+established by the Inflexible Method. This was a masterpiece of
+ratiocination. The impartial observation of facts, the even-handed
+weighing of evidence, the right ordering of principles and their
+application, the separation and weaving together of lines of thought,
+the careful disentangling of necessary pre-suppositions, the just
+treatment of objectors--all the qualities demanded of one who handles
+the deepest problems of thought were combined in Dr Scattergood's
+demonstration of the Friendliness of the Universe according to the
+Inflexible Method. Most of his hearers were convinced by his arguments,
+and went forth into the world to publish the good news that the Universe
+was friendly.
+
+Hard-headed as Scattergood was, it would be unjust to his character to
+describe him as free from superstition. Much of his life, indeed, had
+been spent in attacking the superstitions of the ignorant and the
+thoughtless; but this very practice had bred in him, as in so many
+others, a superstitious regard for the argumentative weapons used in the
+attack. Like his ancestor at Dunbar, he struck his tuning-fork on his
+sword. To be sure, he was a Rational Theist, and a cause of Rational
+Theism in others; but, unless I am much mistaken, the ultimate object of
+his faith, the Power behind his Deity, was the Inflexible Method.
+Superstition never dies; it merely changes its form. It is not a
+confession we make to ourselves so much as a charge we bring against
+others, and its greatest power is always exercised in directions where
+we are least aware of its existence. And Scattergood, of course, was
+unaware that his attitude towards the Inflexible Method was profoundly
+superstitious. It follows that he was unprepared for the part which
+superstition, changing its form, was destined to play in his life.
+
+Theology, then, was his vocation, but I have now to add, the horse was
+his hobby. Although he had taken to riding late in life, he was by no
+means an incapable rider or an ignorant horseman. Next to the Universe,
+the horse had been the subject of his profoundest study; and as he was a
+close reasoner in regard to the one, he was a tight rider in regard to
+the other. His seat, like his philosophy, was a trifle stiff; but what
+else could you expect in one who had passed his sixtieth year? He never
+rode to hounds, nor otherwise unduly jeopardised his neck; but for
+managing a high-spirited horse, when all the rest of us were in
+difficulties, I never knew his better. "Let Scattergood go first," we
+cried as the traction engine came snorting down the road and our elderly
+hacks were prancing on the pavement; and sure enough his young
+thoroughbred would walk by the monster without so much as changing its
+feet.
+
+"Scattergood," I once asked him, "what do you _do_ to that young mare of
+yours when you meet a traction engine or a military band?"
+
+"Nothing," he replied.
+
+"Then what do you _say_ to her?"
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"Then how do you manage it?"
+
+"I haven't the faintest idea."
+
+Needless to say, he was deeply respected in the stables. "A gen'l'man
+with a wonderful _'orse-sense_," said the old ostler one day,
+expatiating, as usual, on Scattergood's virtues. "If I'd had a
+'orse-sense like him, I'd be one o' the richest men in England. If ever
+there was a man as throwed himself away, there he goes! 'Orse-sense
+isn't a thing as you see every day, sir. The only other man I've ever
+knowed as had it was his Lordship, as I was his coachman in Ireland more
+than twenty years ago. His Lordship used to say to me, 'Tom,' he says,
+'Tom, it all comes of my grandfather and his father before him bein'
+jockeys.' And between you and me, sir, that's what's the matter with his
+Reverence. He's jockey-bred, sir, you take my word for it."
+
+"His father was a bishop," I interposed.
+
+"Well, his father may have been a bishop, for all I care," said Tom.
+"But what about his mother, and what about his mother's father, and his
+father before him, and all the rest on 'em? When it comes to a matter
+o' breedin', you don't stop at fathers; you take in the whole pedigree.
+Wasn't his Lordship's father a brewer? And what difference did that
+make? When 'orse-sense once gets started in a family it takes more than
+brewin' and more than bishopin' to wash it out o' the blood."
+
+"I've heard that gypsies have the same gift," I said.
+
+"I've 'eard it too, sir. But I never would have nothing to do with
+gypsies; though his Lordship was as thick as thieves with 'em. And
+thieves are just what they are, sir, and if it weren't for that I'd say
+as the gen'l'man was as like to be gypsy-bred as jockey. Don't you never
+let the gypsies sell _you_ a 'oss, sir; you'll be took in if you do. But
+they couldn't gypsy _him_! Why, I don't believe as there's a 'oss-dealer
+for twenty miles round as wouldn't go out for a walk if he 'eard as Dr
+Scattergood was comin' to buy a 'oss."
+
+That the ostler's last remark was true in the spirit if not in the
+letter the following incident seems to prove. Once I was myself
+entrapped into the folly of buying a horse, and I was on the point of
+concluding the bargain, which seemed to be all in my favour, when a
+friendly daimon whispered in my ear that I had better be cautious. So I
+said, "Yes, the horse seems all right. But before coming to a final
+decision, I'll bring Dr Scattergood round to have a look at him." And
+the dealer presently abated his price by twenty pounds, on the
+understanding that "that there interferin' Scattergood, as had already
+done him more bad turns than one, was not allowed to poke his nose into
+business which was none of his."
+
+"Pretty good," said the Professor when I showed him my purchase. "Pretty
+good. But I think I could have saved you another ten pounds, had you
+taken the trouble to consult me."
+
+He kept but one horse, and it was observed, as a strange thing in a
+lover of horses, that he never kept that one for long. He was constantly
+changing his mount. By superficial observers this was set down to a
+certain fickleness of disposition; but the truth seems rather to have
+been that Scattergood, consciously or unconsciously, was engaged in the
+quest for the Perfect Horse. No man knew better than he what equine
+perfection involved, and none was ever more painfully sensitive to the
+slightest deviation from the Absolute Ideal. Whatever good qualities his
+horse might possess--and they were always numerous--the presence of a
+single fault, however slight, would haunt and oppress him in much the
+same way as a venial sin will trouble the consciousness of a saint. I
+remember one beautiful animal in which the severest judges could find no
+defect save that it had half a dozen miscoloured hairs hidden away on
+one of its hind-legs. Every time the good doctor rode that horse he saw
+the miscoloured hairs through the back of his head; and away went the
+beast to Tattersall's after a week's trial. Another followed, and
+another after that; but we soon ceased to count them, and took it for
+granted that Scattergood's horse, seen once, would not be seen again. So
+it went on until in the fullness of time there appeared a horse, or
+more strictly a mare, which did not depart as swiftly as it came.
+
+Whatever perfection may be in other realms, perfection in horses seems
+after all to be a relative thing; for though Dr Scattergood himself
+regarded this one as perfect, I doubt if he could have found a single
+soul in the wide world to agree with him. To be sure, she was beautiful
+enough to cause a flutter of excitement as she passed down the street;
+but a beast of more dangerous mettle never pranced on two feet or kicked
+out with one. She was the terror of every stable she entered, and it was
+only by continual largesse on the part of Scattergood that any groom
+could be induced to feed or tend her. What she cost him monthly for
+tips, for broken stable furniture, and for veterinary attendance on the
+horses she kicked in the ribs, I should be sorry to say. But Scattergood
+paid it all without a murmur; no infatuated lover ever bore the
+extravagance of his mistress with a lighter heart. For the truth of the
+matter was, that he was deeply attached to this mare, and the mare was
+deeply attached to him.
+
+Why the mare was fond of Scattergood is a problem requiring for its
+solution more horse-sense than most of us possess; so we had better
+leave it alone. But Scattergood's reason for being fond of the mare can
+be stated in a sentence. She reminded him, constantly and vividly, of
+Ethelberta. Her high spirits, her dash, her unexpectedness, her
+brilliant eyes, her gait, and especially the carriage of her head, were
+a far truer likeness of Ethelberta than was the faded photograph, or
+even the miniature set in gold, which the reverend professor kept locked
+in his secret drawer.
+
+Now Ethelberta was the name of the lady whom Scattergood wished he had
+married. For five-and-thirty years he had never ceased wishing he had
+married _her_--and not someone else. Someone else! Ay, there was the
+rub! The lawful Mrs Scattergood was not a person whose portrait I should
+care to draw in much detail. Can you imagine a harder lot than that of
+a world-famous Systematic Theologian, publicly pledged to maintain the
+Friendliness of the Universe, but privately consumed with anxiety lest
+on returning home (_horresco referens!_) he should find a
+heavy-featured, blear-eyed, irredeemable woman, the woman who called
+herself his wife, narcotised on the drawing-room sofa, with an empty
+bottle of chloral at her side? That was the lot of John Scattergood,
+D.D., and he bore it like a man, keeping up a pathetic show of devotion
+to his intolerable wife, and concealing his personal misery from the
+world with an ingenuity only equal to that with which he published
+abroad the Friendliness of the Universe. To be sure, he had long
+abandoned the quest for happiness as a thing unworthy of a Systematic
+Theologian--what else, indeed, could he do? Still, it was hardly
+possible to avoid reflecting that he would have been happier if he had
+married Ethelberta. Each day something happened to convince him that he
+would. For example, his first duty every morning, before settling down
+to work, was to make a tour of the house, sometimes in the company of a
+trusted domestic, hunting for a concealed bottle of morphia; and when at
+last the servant, with her arm under a mattress, said, "I've got it,
+sir," he could not help reflecting that the burden of life would have
+been lighter had he married the high-souled Ethelberta. And with the
+thought a cloud seemed to pass between John Scattergood and the sun.
+
+He would often say to himself that he wished he could forget Ethelberta.
+But in point of fact he wished nothing of the kind. He secretly
+cherished her memory, and the efforts he made to banish her from his
+thoughts only served to incorporate her more completely with the
+atmosphere of his life.
+
+All through life John Scattergood had been a deeply conscientious man.
+But conscience--or rather something that called itself conscience, but
+was in reality nothing of the kind,--which had served him so well in
+other respects, had been his undoing in the matter of Ethelberta. At the
+age of twenty-five he was not aware that a man's evil genius, bent on
+doing its victim the deadliest turn, will often disguise itself in the
+robes of his heavenly guide. Later on in life he learned to penetrate
+these disguises, but at twenty-five he was at their mercy. He was, as we
+have seen, of Puritan descent; his evangelical upbringing had taught him
+to regard as heaven-sent all inner voices which bade him sacrifice his
+happiness; and this it was of which the enemy took advantage. In his
+relationship with Ethelberta the young man was radiantly happy; but that
+very circumstance aroused his suspicions. "You are not worthy of this
+happiness," said an inner voice; "and, what is far more to the point,
+you are not worthy of Ethelberta. She is too good for such as you."
+
+"Who are you?" said the young Scattergood, addressing the inner voice.
+"Who are you that haunt me night and day with this horrible fear?"
+
+"I am your conscience," answered the voice. "You are unworthy of
+Ethelberta; and it is I, your conscience, that tell you so. I am a
+voice from heaven, and beware of disregarding me."
+
+Had Scattergood been thirty years older, this strange anxiety on the
+part of his conscience to establish its claims as a voice from heaven
+would have put him on his guard; he would have lifted those shining
+robes and seen the hoofs beneath them. But these precautions had not
+occurred to him in the days when he and Ethelberta were walking hand in
+hand. So he listened to that inner voice with awe: he listened until its
+lying words became an obsession; until they darkened his mind; until
+they drowned the voices of love and began to find utterance in his
+manners, and even in his speech, with Ethelberta. She, on her part, did
+not understand--what woman ever could or would?--and a cloud came
+between them. "The cloud is from heaven," said the inner voice. "I have
+sent it; let it grow; you are not good enough for Ethelberta, and it
+will be a sin to link your life with hers."
+
+So the cloud grew, till one day a woman's wrath shot out of it; there
+was an explosion, a quarrel, a breach; and the two parted, never to
+meet again. "You have done your duty," said the false conscience. "You
+have dealt me a mortal hurt," said the soul. But Scattergood was still
+convinced that he was not good enough for Ethelberta.
+
+Within a year or two the usual results had followed. Scattergood married
+a woman who was not good enough for _him_; and that other man, who had
+been watching his opportunity, like a wolf around the sheepfold, married
+Ethelberta. And he was not good enough for _her_.
+
+And now many years had passed, and Ethelberta was long since dead. But
+that made no difference to the aching wound; for Professor Scattergood,
+who was intelligent about all things, and far too intelligent about
+Ethelberta, used to reflect that probably she would still be alive had
+she married him. "They went to Naples for their honeymoon," he would say
+aloud--for he was in the habit of talking to himself--"they went to
+Naples for their honeymoon; there she caught typhoid fever, and died
+six weeks after her marriage. But things would have happened differently
+had she married _me_. _We_ were not going to Naples for the honeymoon.
+We were going to Switzerland: we settled it that night after the dance
+at Lady Brown's--the night I first told her I was not worthy of her.
+Fool that I was!" Such were the meditations of Professor John
+Scattergood, D.D., as he trotted under the hedgerow elms and heard the
+patter of his horse's hoofs falling softly on the withered leaves.
+
+Thus we can understand how it came to pass that Dr Scattergood's
+imagination was abnormally sensitive to anything which could remind him
+of Ethelberta. And I have no doubt that his peculiar horse-sense was
+also involved in the particular reminder with which we have now to deal.
+
+Certain it is that he discerned the resemblance to Ethelberta the moment
+he cast eyes upon his mare. He was standing in the dealer's yard, and
+the dealer was leading the animal out of the stable. Suddenly catching
+sight of the strange black-coated figure, she stopped abruptly, lowered
+her head, curved her neck, and looked Scattergood straight between the
+eyes. For a moment he was paralysed with astonishment and thought he was
+dreaming. The movement, the attitude, the look were all Ethelberta's!
+Exactly thus had she stopped abruptly, lowered her head, curved her
+neck, and looked him in the face when thirty-five years ago he had been
+introduced to her at an Embassy Ball in Vienna. A vision swept over his
+inner eye: he saw bright uniforms, heard music, felt the presence of a
+crowd; and so completely was the actuality of things blotted out that he
+made a low reverence to the animal as though he were being introduced to
+some highborn dame. The dealer noticed the movement and wondered what
+"new hanky-panky old Scattergood was trying on the mare."
+
+"Now, that's a mare I raised myself," said the dealer. "I've watched her
+every day since she was foaled, and I'll undertake to say as there isn't
+another like her in----"
+
+"In the wide world: I know there isn't," said Scattergood, cutting him
+short. Then, suddenly, "What's her name?"
+
+"Meg," replied the dealer, who was expecting a very different question.
+
+"Meg--Meg," said the Doctor. "Why, it ought to be----Well, never mind,
+Meg will do. So you bred her yourself? Will you swear you didn't _steal_
+her?"
+
+This was too much even for a horse-dealer. "We're not a firm of
+horse-thieves," he said, and he was preparing to lead her back into the
+stable.
+
+"I'm only joking," said Scattergood in a tremulous voice which belied
+him. "She's the living likeness of one I remember years ago--one that
+_was_ stolen. Come, bring her back. I'm ready to buy that mare at her
+full value."
+
+"And what may that be?" replied the dealer, glad that the enemy had made
+the first move.
+
+"A hundred and twenty."
+
+The dealer was astonished; for his customer had offered the exact sum at
+which he hoped to sell the mare. For a moment he thought of standing
+out for a hundred and fifty, but he knew it was useless to bargain with
+Scattergood, so he said:
+
+"It's giving her away, sir, at a hundred and twenty. But for the sake of
+quick business, and you being a gentleman as knows a horse when you sees
+one, I'll take you at your own figure."
+
+"Done," said Scattergood. "I'll send you a cheque round in ten minutes."
+And without another word he walked out of the yard. He had found the
+perfect horse.
+
+The dealer stood dumbfoundered, halter in hand--he was unconscious that
+Meg had already caught his shirt-sleeve between her teeth. Could that
+retreating figure be the wary Scattergood, Scattergood of the thousand
+awkward questions, Scattergood the terror of every horse-dealer in the
+countryside? Never before had he found so prompt, so reckless a
+customer. Were his eyes deceiving him? Was it a dream? A violent jerk on
+his right arm, and the simultaneous sound of tearing linen, recalled him
+to himself. "You she-devil!" he said, "I'll take the skin off you for
+this. But I hope the old gentleman's well insured."
+
+Meanwhile the Professor was walking home in a state of profound mental
+perturbation. Visions of the Embassy Ball in Vienna, Buddhist theories
+of reincarnation, problems of animal psychology, doubts as to the
+validity of the Inflexible Method, vague and nameless feelings that
+accompanied the disappearance of his "horse-sense," a yet vaguer joy as
+of one who has found something precious which he had lost, and beneath
+all the ever-present subconscious fear that he would find his wife
+narcotised on the drawing-room sofa, were buzzing and dancing through
+his mind.
+
+"It's the _likeness_ that puzzles me," he began to reflect. "A universal
+resemblance, borne by particulars not one of which is really like the
+original. Quite unmistakable, and yet quite unthinkable. An indubitable
+fact, and yet a fact which no one who has not seen could ever be induced
+to believe."
+
+Had anyone half an hour earlier propounded the statement that a woman
+could bear a closer resemblance to a horse than to her own portrait, he
+would have treated the proposition as one which no amount of evidence
+could make good. So far from the evidence proving the proposition true,
+he would have said, it is the proposition which proves the evidence
+false. Otherwise, what is the use of the Inflexible Method? But now the
+thing was flashed on him with the brightness of authentic revelation,
+and there was no gainsaying its truth. Not once during the
+five-and-thirty years of his mourning for Ethelberta had anything
+happened to bring her so vividly to mind; not even among the dreams that
+haunt the borderland of sleep and waking; no, nor even when he listened
+to the great singer whose voice had pierced his heart with the sad and
+angry music of Heine's bitterest song. Professor Scattergood was a firm
+believer in the efficacy of _a priori_ thought; but though by means of
+it he had excogitated a system in which the plan of an entire Universe
+was sufficiently laid down, there was not one of his principles either
+primary or secondary which could have built a niche for the experience
+he had just undergone in the horse-dealer's yard.
+
+As he neared his doorstep the confusion of his mind suddenly ranged
+itself into form and gave birth to an articulate thought. "I'm sure," he
+said to himself, drawing his latch-key out of his pocket and inserting
+it in the keyhole--"I'm sure that Ethelberta is not far off. Yes, as
+sure as I am of anything in this world."
+
+
+II
+
+The "horse-sense," which gave Professor Scattergood his reputation in
+the stables, was always accompanied by a well-marked physical
+sensation--to wit, a continuous tingling at the back of the head,
+seemingly located at an exact spot in the cortex of the brain. So long
+as the back of his head was tingling, every horse was completely at
+Scattergood's mercy; he could do with it whatever he willed. But I have
+it on his own authority that at the moment he cast eyes on his new mare
+the sensation suddenly ceased and his horse-sense deserted him.
+
+Accordingly, the first time he took her out he mounted with trepidation,
+and fear possessed his soul that she would run away with him. Though
+nothing very serious followed, the fear was not entirely groundless. His
+daily ride, which usually occupied exactly two hours and five minutes,
+was accomplished on this occasion in one hour and twenty, and for a week
+afterwards the Professor's man rubbed liniment into his back three times
+a day. On the second occasion he had the ill luck to encounter the local
+Hunt in full career, a thing he would have minded not the least under
+ordinary circumstances, but extremely disconcerting at a moment when his
+horse-sense happened to be in abeyance. Before he had time to take in
+the situation, Meg joined the rushing tide, and for the next forty
+minutes the field was led by the first Systematic Theologian in Europe,
+who had given himself up for lost and was preparing for death. And
+killed he probably would have been but for two things: the first was the
+fine qualities of his mount, and the second was a literary reminiscence
+which enabled him to retain his presence of mind. Even in these
+desperate circumstances, the Professor's habit of talking to himself
+remained in force. A friend of mine who was riding close behind him told
+me that he distinctly heard Scattergood repeating the lines of the
+_Odyssey_ which tell how Ulysses, on the point of suffocation in the
+depths of the sea, kept his wits about him and made a spring for his
+raft the instant he rose to the surface. Again and again, as the
+Professor raced across the open, did he repeat those lines to himself;
+and whenever a dangerous fence or ditch came in sight he would break off
+in the middle of the Greek and cry aloud in English, "Now, John
+Scattergood, prepare for death and sit well back"--resuming the Greek
+the moment he was safely landed on the other side, and thus proving once
+more that the blood of the Ironsides still ran in his veins.
+
+Said a farmer to me one day:
+
+"Who's that gentleman as has just gone up the lane on the chestnut
+mare?"
+
+"That," said I, "is Professor Scattergood--one of our greatest men."
+
+"H'm," said the farmer; "I reckon he's a clergyman--to judge by his
+clothes."
+
+"He is."
+
+"Well, he's a queer 'un for a clergyman, danged if he isn't. He's allus
+talking aloud to himself. And what do you think I hear him say when he
+come through last Thursday? 'John Scattergood,' says he, 'you were a
+damned fool. Yes, there's no other word for it, John; you were a
+_damned_ fool!'"
+
+"That," I said, "is language which no clergyman ought to use, not even
+when he is talking to himself. But perhaps the words were not his own.
+They may have been used about him by some other person--possibly by his
+wife, who, people say, is a bit of a Tartar. In that case he would be
+just repeating them to himself, by way of refreshing his memory."
+
+The farmer laughed at this explanation. "I see you're a gentleman with
+a kind 'eart," said he. "But a man with a swearin' wife don't ride about
+the country lanes refreshin' his memory in that way. He knows his missus
+will do all the refreshin' he wants when he gets 'ome. No, you'll never
+persuade _me_ as them words weren't the gentleman's own. From the way he
+said 'em you could see as they tasted good. Why, he said 'em just like
+this----"
+
+And the farmer repeated the objectionable language, with a voice and
+manner that entirely disposed of my charitable theory. He then added:
+"Clergyman or no clergyman, I'll say one thing for him--he rides a good
+'oss. I'll bet you five to one as that chestnut mare cost him a hundred
+and twenty guineas, if she cost him a penny."
+
+From the tone in which the farmer said this I gathered that a gentleman
+whose 'oss cost him a hundred and twenty guineas was entitled to use any
+language he liked; and that my explanation, therefore, even if true, was
+superfluous.
+
+What did the Professor mean by apostrophising himself in the strong
+language overheard by the farmer? The exegesis of the passage, it must
+be confessed, is obscure, and, not unnaturally, there is a division of
+opinion among the higher critics. Some, of whom I am one, argue that the
+words refer to a long-past error of judgment in the Professor's life;
+more precisely, to the loss of Ethelberta. Others maintain that this
+theory is far-fetched and fanciful. The Professor, they say, was plainly
+cursing himself for the purchase of Meg. For, is there not reason to
+believe that at the very moment when the obnoxious words were uttered he
+was again in trouble with the mare, and therefore in a state of mind
+likely to issue in the employment of this very expression?
+
+Now, although I have always held the first of these two theories, I must
+hasten to concede the last point in the argument of the other side. It
+is a fact that at the very moment when the Professor cursed himself for
+a fool he was again in trouble with Meg. On previous occasions her
+faults had been those of excess; but to-day she was erring by defect:
+instead of going too fast she was going too slow, and occasionally
+refusing to go at all. She would neither canter nor trot; it was with
+difficulty that she could be induced to walk, and then only at a
+snail's-pace; apparently she wanted to fly. In consequence of which the
+Professor's daily ride promised to occupy at least three hours, thereby
+causing him to be twenty-five minutes late for his afternoon lecture.
+
+Meg's behaviour that day had been irritating to the last degree. She
+began by insisting on the wrong side of the road, and before Professor
+Scattergood could emerge from the traffic of the town he had been
+threatened with legal proceedings by two policemen and cursed by several
+drivers of wheeled vehicles. Arrived in the open country, Meg spent her
+time in examining the fields on either side of the road, in the hope
+apparently of again discovering the Hunt; she would dart down every lane
+and through every open gate, and now and then would stop dead and gaze
+at the scenery in the most provoking manner. Coming to a blacksmith's
+shop with which she was acquainted, a desire for new shoes possessed her
+feminine soul, and, suddenly whisking round through the door of the
+shoeing shed, she knocked off the Professor's hat and almost decapitated
+him against the lintel. The Professor had not recovered from the shock
+of this incident when a black Berkshire pig that was being driven to
+market came in sight round a turn of the road. Meg, as became a highbred
+horse, positively refused to pass the unclean thing, or even to come
+within twenty yards of it. She snorted and pranced, reared and curveted,
+and was about to make a bolt for home when the pig-driver, who had
+considerately driven his charge into a field where it was out of sight,
+seized Meg's bridle and led her beyond the dangerous pass.
+
+"Meg, Meg," said the professor, as soon as they were alone and order had
+been restored--"Meg, Meg, this will never do. You and I will have to
+part company. I don't mind your _looking_ like Ethelberta, but I can't
+allow you to _act_ as she did. To be sure, Ethelberta broke my heart
+thirty-five years ago. But that is no reason why I should suffer _you_
+to break my neck to-day. We'll go home, Meg, and I'll take an early
+opportunity of breaking off the engagement, just as I broke it off with
+Ethelberta--though, between you and me, Meg, I was a damned fool for
+doing it."
+
+Professor Scattergood spoke these words in a low, soft, musical voice;
+the voice he always used when talking to horses or to himself about
+Ethelberta. Even the obnoxious adjective was pronounced by the Professor
+with that tenderness of intonation which only a horse or a woman can
+fully understand. And here I must explain that this particular tone came
+to him naturally in these two connections only. In all others his voice
+was high-pitched, hard, and a trifle forced. Years of lecturing on
+Systematic Theology had considerably damaged his vocal apparatus. He had
+developed a throat-clutch; he had a distressing habit of ending all his
+sentences on the rising inflection; and whenever he was the least
+excited in argument he had a tendency to scream. It was in this voice
+that he addressed his class. But whenever he happened to be talking to
+horses, or to himself about Ethelberta--and you might catch him doing so
+almost any time when he was alone,--you would hear something akin to
+music, and would reflect what a pity it was that Professor Scattergood
+had never learned to sing.
+
+It was, I say, in this low, soft, musical voice that he addressed his
+mare, perhaps with some exceptional sadness, on the day when, sorely
+tried by her bad behaviour, he had come to the conclusion that the
+engagement must be broken off. And now I must once more risk my
+reputation for veracity; and if the pinch comes and I have to defend
+myself from the charge of lying, I shall appeal for confirmation to my
+old friend the ostler, who knows a great deal about 'osses, and believes
+my story through and through. What happened was this.
+
+The moment Professor Scattergood began to address his mare in the tones
+aforesaid, she stood stock-still, with ears reversed in the direction
+from which the sounds were coming. When he had finished, a gentle quiver
+passed through her body. Then, suddenly lowering her head, she turned it
+round with a quick movement towards the off stirrup, and slightly bit
+the toe of Professor Scattergood's boot. This done, she recovered her
+former attitude of attention, and again reversed her ears as though
+awaiting a response. Taking in the meaning of her act with a swift
+instinct which he never allowed to mar his treatment of Systematic
+Theology, the professor said one word--"Ethelberta"; and the word had
+hardly passed his lips when something began to tingle at the back of his
+head. Instantly the mare broke into the gentlest and evenest canter that
+ever delighted a horseman of sixty years; carried him through the
+remainder of his ride without a single hitch, shy, or other
+misdemeanour, and brought him to his own doorstep in exactly two hours
+and five minutes from the time he had left it. Thenceforward, until the
+last day of his life, he never had the slightest trouble with his mare.
+That is the story which the ostler believes through and through.
+
+Next day the Professor said to this man:
+
+"Tom, I'm going to change the name of my mare."
+
+"You can't do that, sir. You'll never get her to answer to a new name."
+
+"I mean to try, anyhow. Here"--and he slipped half a sovereign into the
+man's hand. "You make this mare answer to the name of _Ethelberta_, and
+I'll give you as much more when it's done."
+
+"Beg your pardon, sir," said the man, slipping the coin into his
+pocket--"Beg your pardon, sir, but there never was a 'oss with a name
+like that. It's not a 'oss's name at all, sir."
+
+"Never mind that. Do as I tell you, and you won't regret it.
+Ethelberta--don't forget."
+
+The groom touched his hat. Professor Scattergood left the stables, and
+presently the groom and his chief pal were rolling in laughter on a heap
+of straw.
+
+A fortnight later the groom said:
+
+"The mare answers wonderful well to that new name, sir. Stopped her
+kicking and biting altogether, sir. Why, the day before we give it her,
+she tore the shirt off my back and bit a hole in my breeches as big as a
+mangel-wurzel."
+
+"I'll pay for both of them," said Professor Scattergood.
+
+"Thank 'ee, sir. But since we give her the new name she's not even made
+as though she _wanted_ to bite anybody. And as for kicking, why, you
+might take tea with your mother-in-law right under her heels and she
+wouldn't knock a saucer over. I nivver see such a thing in all my life,
+and don't expect nivver to see such another! _Wonderful's_ what I calls
+it! Though, since I've come to think of it, there _was_ once a 'oss
+named Ethelberta as won the Buddle Stakes. Our foreman says as he
+remembers the year it won. Maybe as you had a bit yourself, sir, on that
+'oss--though beg your pardon for saying so."
+
+"Yes," said the Professor, "I backed Ethelberta for all I was worth,
+and won ten times as much. Only, some fellow stole the winnings out of
+my--my inner pocket just before I got home. It was thirty-five years
+ago."
+
+"So it was a bit o' bad luck after all, sir?"
+
+"It was," said Scattergood, "extremely bad luck."
+
+"Did they ever catch the man, sir?"
+
+"They did. They caught him within a year after the theft."
+
+"I expect they give it 'im 'ot, sir?"
+
+"Yes. He got a life-sentence, the same as mi--the same as that man got
+who was convicted the other day."
+
+At this lame conclusion the groom looked puzzled, and Scattergood had to
+extricate himself. "You see, Tom," he went on, "the value of what I lost
+was enormous."
+
+"It must have been a tidy haul to get the thief a sentence like that,"
+said Tom. "But maybe he give you a tap on the head into the bargain,
+sir."
+
+"He put a knife into me," said Scattergood, "and the wound aches to this
+day."
+
+For some reason he felt an unwonted pleasure in pursuing this
+conversation with the sympathetic groom, and inwardly resolved that he
+would give him a handsome tip.
+
+"Put a _knife_ into you, did he?" cried Tom. "Why, that's just like what
+happened to _me_ when I was coachman to his Lordship. We was livin' in
+Ireland, and it was the days of the Land League. Me and his Lordship had
+been to Ballymunny Races, and his Lordship had got his pockets stuffed
+full o' money as he'd won, and I don't say I hadn't won a bit myself,
+seein' as I allus backed the same 'osses as he did. Well, we had about
+fifteen miles to drive in the dark, and before we starts his Lordship
+says to me, 'Tom, my lad,' he says, 'go round the town and buy me the
+most grievous big stick you can find in the place.' 'What's that for, my
+Lord?' I says, for me and his Lordship was a'most like brothers. 'Tom,'
+he says, 'I've been losin' my 'orse-sense all day, and whenever that
+happens I knows there's trouble a-brewin'.' So I goes and buys him a
+stick, and a beauty it were, too, made o' bog oak, and that 'eavy that
+I couldn't 'elp feelin' sorry for the wife o' the man as was goin' to
+get it on the top of 'is 'ead. 'All right, Tom,' says his Lordship as he
+jumps on the car; 'and give the reins a turn round the palm o' your
+'and.' So off we starts, and we 'adn't gone more than four miles when
+three men springs out on us just like shadows. 'Look out, my Lord,' I
+shouts; 'there's three on 'em!' His Lordship, as was sitting just behind
+me, he hits out splendid, and I could 'ear his big stick going crack,
+crack on their 'eads. 'Well done, my Lord!' I shouts. '_Hit_ 'em, my
+Lord!' I says; 'give it 'em 'ome-brewed!' 'It's hittin' 'em that I'm
+after,' says he. 'I've made one on 'em comfortable. Tom, you're a great
+boy for choosin' a stick; but what's become o' that big fellow?' 'He's
+on the near side, creepin' under the car,' I says; 'look out for that
+one, my Lord; he's got a knife!' And I was just givin' the reins another
+turn round the palm o' my 'and when I feels summat sharp under my right
+shoulder-blade, and I begins catchin' my breath. The last as I remember
+was seein' his Lordship bendin' over me, like as if he'd been my own
+mother. 'Tom, my own darlin',' he says, 'if the black villains have
+killed you, it's a sorrowin' man I'll be for the rest of my days. But
+I've given that big one a sleepin'-draught as he won't wake up till the
+Angel Gabriel knocks at his bedroom door.'--I'd got it proper, I can
+tell you! Touched the lung, too, that it did; and whenever I catches a
+bit o' cold and begins coughin', it's that painful that I can't----'"
+
+"Ay, ay," said Scattergood. "Well, here's something that's good for an
+old wound--though," he muttered to himself, as he rode away, "it never
+made much difference to mine." He had given the man a sovereign.
+
+As the Professor walked his horse down the yard, Tom said to his pal,
+"'E must ha' bin a warm 'un in his young days. Good-'earted, too. But
+why the old bloke should call his 'oss Ethelberta, seeing he lost his
+money after all, licks me 'oller."
+
+"Just look at the pair on 'em!" said the pal. "Why, to see that mare
+walkin' down the yard, you might think as she was a little gel goin' to
+Sunday-school. But you'll never persuade _me_ as she isn't foxin'.
+She'll do a down on him yet, you mark my word! She's as tricky as a
+woman. I can see it in her eye."
+
+"Ha!" said Tom, "that reminds me of something his Lordship once said to
+me. It 'appened at the Dublin 'Orse Show, as his Lordship was one o' the
+judges, with me by to 'elp 'im. There was a roan mare just brought into
+the ring, and his Lordship says to me, lookin' 'ard at the mare all the
+time, 'Tom, my boy,' he says, 'did you ever 'ave a sweetheart?' 'Yes, my
+Lord,' I says, 'several.' 'Are they livin' or dead?' says he. 'I never
+killed none on 'em, my Lord,' I says; 'that's all _I_ knows about it.'
+'Treat 'em 'andsome, my boy, treat 'em 'andsome,' says he in the
+solemnest voice you ever 'eard; 'it's desperate bad luck on a man as has
+to do wi' 'osses when a' angry sweetheart dies on him. And look 'ere,
+Tom,' he says in a whisper, 'from the way the back o' my 'ead's
+a-tinglin', _it's a' angry sweetheart as we're judgin' now_.--Pass her
+down,' he says to the groom as were leadin' the mare, 'pass her down.
+Divil a prize shall that one have! She's a dangerous bad 'oss."
+
+
+III
+
+Among Professor Scattergood's numerous admirers there have always been
+some to whom his arguments for the Friendliness of the Universe proved
+unconvincing. They would begin by pulling his logic to pieces, and
+conclude by saying, with the air of people who keep their strongest
+argument to the last: "It looks, at all events, as though the friendly
+Universe had done our good Professor a most unfriendly turn by depriving
+him of Ethelberta and substituting the present Mrs Scattergood in her
+place." And there was no denying the force of the argument.
+
+For half a long lifetime John Scattergood had lived his earnest days
+with little aid from those sources of spiritual vitality upon which
+most of us depend. Love in all its finer essences had been denied
+him--denied him, as he knew better than anybody, by that very Universe
+whose friendliness he had set himself to prove. Among the many lonely
+souls who live in crowded places it would be hard to find one lonelier
+than he. Even the demonstrated friendliness of the Universe did not seem
+to thaw his heart, or to break down the barriers of his reserve. The
+surest means of discovering his inner mind was to put your ear to the
+keyhole on one of the many occasions when he was talking to himself.
+"_Wie brennt mein alte Wunde!_" is what you would often hear him say.
+
+Mrs Scattergood was said to have once been a very beautiful woman; and I
+can well believe it was even so. She was the daughter of a baronet, and
+had been brought up to think that the mission of women in this world is
+to have a good time. But her husband had thwarted this mission; at all
+events, he had not provided its fulfilment. And the lady made it a
+point of daily practice to remind him of the failure, driving the
+reminder home with the help of expletives learnt in her father's stables
+long ago. John Scattergood would retire from these interviews talking to
+himself. "If I could keep her from the morphia," he would say, "I think
+I could bear the rest." He would then shut himself up in his study,
+would take out the miniature of Ethelberta from his secret drawer--a
+foolish thing to do, but a thing which somehow he couldn't help; would
+shake his head and say for the thousandth time, "Wie brennt mein alte
+Wunde!" After which, having brushed aside a tear, he would take up his
+pen and continue his proof of the Friendliness of the Universe according
+to the Inflexible Method.
+
+If Scattergood could have seen himself, as I see him in memory, seated
+in his quiet study, with the household skeleton, the philosophical
+thesis, and the gold-rimmed miniature of Ethelberta, in their respective
+positions, forming as it were the three points of a mystic triangle, I
+think he might have discerned in the Universe something of deeper
+import than ever appeared within the four corners of his philosophy. But
+alas! All Q.E.D.'s are fatal to emotion, and it was Q.E.D. that
+Scattergood had placed at the end of his great thesis. In some respects
+he resembled that other great philosopher who became so absorbed in his
+proof of the existence of God that he forgot to say his prayers. The
+fact of the matter is, that after proving the ultimate nature of the
+Universe to be friendly his heart was no warmer than before. Indeed, his
+interest in that august Object had stiffened into the chill rigidity of
+a professional pose. His thesis, by becoming demonstrably true, had
+ceased to be morally exciting. He actually looked forward to his
+afternoon ride as a means of getting the taste of the Universe out of
+his mouth.
+
+By long and devious ways, John Scattergood had thus arrived at the point
+from which he had set out; he had arrived, I mean, at that extremely
+common state of mind when one actual smile seen on the face of the
+world, or a moment of contact with any one of the innumerable friendly
+presences which the world harbours, was worth more to him, both as
+philosopher and man, than were all the achievements of the Inflexible
+Method, past, present, and to come. And I have now to record that such a
+smile was vouchsafed to him, and such a living contact provided, by the
+mediation of a four-footed beast.
+
+Let no one suppose, however, that our Professor was led astray by
+fatuous fancies concerning his mare. He did not jump to the conclusion
+that she was a reincarnation of the long-lost Ethelberta. The Inflexible
+Method, thank God, saved him from that. But if you ask me how it all
+came about, I am bound to confess I don't know. All we can be sure of is
+that his mare did for Professor Scattergood something which a lifetime
+of reflection had been unable to accomplish. No doubt the lifetime of
+reflection had dried the fuel. But it was the influence of Ethelberta
+that brought the flame.
+
+"It's quite true," he said one day, "that I prepare my lectures on
+horseback; and people tell me that I have fallen into a habit of
+preparing them aloud. But the fact is, I am going to deliver a new
+course; and I find that horse-exercise quickens the action of the
+brain--a necessary thing at my time of life, when one's powers of
+expression are on the wane, and new ideas increasingly difficult to put
+into form."
+
+"You ride a beautiful animal," said his interlocutor.
+
+"Yes, and as good as she's beautiful." And then in his softest voice he
+repeated the line:
+
+    "Tra bell'e buona, non so qual fosse piu."
+
+This favourable view of Ethelberta's qualities was by no means
+convincing to Professor Scattergood's friends. We knew she was "bella";
+but we doubted the "buona." The spectacle of an elderly Doctor of
+Divinity setting out for his daily ride on a magnificent racehorse in
+the pink of condition was indeed a vision to fill the bold with
+astonishment and the timid with alarm. "The man is mad," said some;
+"will no one warn him of his danger?" Various attempts were made, but
+they came to nothing. Knowing myself to be the least cogent of
+advisers, I kept silence to the last; but when all the others had failed
+I resolved to try my hand.
+
+"Scattergood," I said, "that thoroughbred of yours is not a suitable
+mount for a man of your years. She ought to be ridden by a jockey. I
+wish to Heaven you would sell her."
+
+"Nothing in this world would induce me to part with Ethelberta," he
+answered.
+
+"I'm sorry to hear it. There's no man living in England at this moment
+whose life is more precious than yours. We can't afford to lose you.
+Then think of your----" I was going to say "your wife," but I checked
+myself in time: "Think of your work. It's a very serious matter. Sure as
+fate that brute"--("She's not a _brute_," he interrupted)--"sure as fate
+that beauty will run away with you one of these days and break your
+neck."
+
+"How do you know that?" he asked quietly.
+
+"Because she's run away with you twice already, and you escaped only by
+a miracle. She'll do it again, and next time you may not be quite so
+fortunate."
+
+"She'll never do it again," he said in the same quiet voice.
+
+"How do you know that?" I said, thinking that I had turned the tables on
+him.
+
+"Never mind how. I know it well enough."
+
+"By the Inflexible Method?"
+
+"Of course not," he said with some annoyance. "There are different kinds
+of certainty, and this is one of the most certain of all."
+
+"More certain than the Inflexible----?"
+
+"Oh, damn the Inflexible Method!" he cried. "I'm sick to death of it.
+You'll do me a kindness by not mentioning it again."
+
+"All right; I'm as sick of it as you are. After all, it's not your
+philosophy I'm thinking of; what I am concerned about is your life. Now,
+Scattergood," I added--for I was an old friend,--"frankly, between you
+and me, don't you think you're a fool?"
+
+"My dear fellow, I am and always have been a ----" and here he used that
+objectionable word--"always have been a certain sort of fool. But not
+about Ethelberta. We understand each other perfectly. She looks after
+me and takes care of me like a--like a mother. My life is absolutely
+safe in her hands--I mean, of course, on her back."
+
+"Confound those mixed metaphors!" I cried. "That's the seventh I've
+heard to-day, and they're horribly confusing, even when they are
+corrected as you corrected yours. Now, what on earth do you mean?"
+
+He looked at me curiously. "I mean," he said, "that Ethelberta may be
+trusted to the uttermost."
+
+"Scattergood," I said, "there's a sort of friendship in the Universe
+which does not scruple on occasion to break every bone in a man's body,
+and I greatly fear that Ethelberta may be one of its ministers. Now,
+here's a plain question. Would you be prepared to stand before your
+class to-morrow morning and bid them trust the Universe for no better
+reasons than those on which you trust your life to the tender mercies of
+that bru----of Ethelberta?"
+
+"I only wish I could find them reasons half as good."
+
+"Half as good as what?"
+
+"As those for which I trust my life to Ethelberta."
+
+"What are they?"
+
+"I can't tell you. If I did tell, the reasons would lose their force.
+But until they are uttered they are quite conclusive."
+
+"What!" I cried; "are the reasons _taboo_? Have you found a magic
+formula?"
+
+"Don't jest," he said. "The matter's far too serious. There is more at
+stake than the mere safety of my life."
+
+"Then you admit your life _is_ at stake," said I; and I thought I had
+scored a point.
+
+"No, I don't. But other things are--things of far greater importance. My
+life, however, runs no risk from Ethelberta."
+
+"Then tell me this. Who runs the bigger risk--you who trust your life to
+a beast for no reasons you can assign; or we, your disciples, who trust
+ourselves to the Universe in the name of your philosophy?"
+
+"By far the bigger risk," he answered, "is yours."
+
+"Then you mean to say that you have better reasons for trusting your
+beast than we have for trusting your system?"
+
+"I do."
+
+"You are quite serious?"
+
+"I am."
+
+"But follow this out," I said. "If we, your disciples, run the bigger
+risk in trusting ourselves to your system, you, its author, run the same
+risk yourself."
+
+"You're strangely mistaken," he answered.
+
+"Surely," said I, "we are all in the same boat. What reasons can you
+have, other than those you have given us, for trusting your conclusion
+as to the friendliness of the Universe?"
+
+"You forget," he said. "In addition to the reasons I have given you, I
+have all those which induce me to trust my life to Ethelberta."
+
+"But how do they affect your philosophy?"
+
+"They affect it vitally."
+
+"In the way of confirmation or otherwise?"
+
+"Confirmation."
+
+"You mean that your philosophy is already conclusively proved, and yet
+made more conclusive by Ethelberta?"
+
+"Put it that way, if you like."
+
+"Is there no hope," I asked, "that you will be able one day to
+communicate the reasons to _us_?"
+
+"None," he answered. "But what I can do, and will do, if I live long
+enough, is to show that all of you are acting much as I am acting in
+regard to Ethelberta."
+
+"But we are not all risking our lives on thoroughbred horses."
+
+"You are running far bigger risks than that," he said; "and you are
+fools not to see it. Did I not tell you that I am revising my lectures?"
+
+"Scattergood," I said, "it's plain to me that you will have to do one of
+two things. Either you must radically change your system--or you must
+sell Ethelberta. Personally, I hope you'll do the last."
+
+"In any case," he replied, "I shall not sell Ethelberta."
+
+"Then," said I, "may the friendly Universe preserve you from being
+killed." And with that I took my departure.
+
+
+IV
+
+That very afternoon, Professor Scattergood, arrayed in a pair of goodly
+riding-boots, went round to the stables to mount his mare. The groom met
+him as usual.
+
+"She's been wonderful restless all night, sir," said he. "She's broke
+her halter and a'most kicked the door out. And she's bitin' as though
+she'd just been married to the devil's son."
+
+"She wants exercise," said Scattergood. "Put the saddle on at once."
+
+"Not me, sir!" answered the groom. "It's as much as a man's life's worth
+to go near her."
+
+"Bring me the saddle, then, and I'll do it myself," said Scattergood. He
+opened the door of the stable, and the moment the light was let in
+Ethelberta announced her intentions by a smashing kick on the wooden
+partition.
+
+"Have a care, sir," cried the terrified groom, as Scattergood, with the
+saddle on his arm, passed through the door. "She'll give you no time to
+say yer prayers. Look out, sir! She'll whip round on you like a bit o'
+sin and put her heel through you before you know where you are. Good
+Lord!" he added, addressing another man, "it's a _hexecution_! The
+gen'l'man'll be in heaven in less than half a minute."
+
+"Ethelberta, Ethelberta, what's the meaning of all this?" said
+Scattergood in a quiet voice, as he faced the animal's blazing eyes.
+"Come, come, sweetheart, let us behave for once like rational beings."
+And he put his arm round Ethelberta's neck and rubbed his cheek against
+her nose.
+
+In five minutes the saddle was on, and Scattergood, seated on as quiet a
+beast as ever submitted to bridle, was riding down the stable-yard.
+
+"That ole Johnnie knows a trick or two about 'osses," said the groom as
+soon as the Professor was out of hearing. "I'd give a month's wages to
+know how he quieted that mare. Did ye 'ear 'im talkin' to 'er, Bill?
+Well, could you 'ear what 'e said? No? Well, you listen the next time
+you 'ear 'im talkin' to her and see if you can get the very words 'e
+says. It's the _words_ as does it; and if we can find out what they are,
+it'll be worth 'undreds o' pounds to you and me. I tell yer, it's the
+_words_ as does it! I reckon as it's summat out o' the Bible. Why, when
+I was groom to Lord Charles I knowed a man as give Scripture to 'osses
+regular. A Psalm-smitin' ole teapot he were; and whenever we'd got a
+kicker, he used to put his 'ead in at the stable-door and say a hymn.
+Then he'd go in and get 'old o' the oss's ear between his teeth and say
+texts o' Scripture right into it's ear-'ole. I've knowed a gen'l'man
+give him five pounds for scripturin' a 'oss. Only, don't you let on to
+the other blokes what I've told you now. Keep it quiet, Bill, and you be
+here wi' me when Dr Scattergood comes back at four o'clock."
+
+"All right," said Bill; "we'll get the _words_--but they won't be no
+use to _us_ when we've got 'em. I've 'eard all about scripturin' 'osses,
+but you won't ketch me tryin' it on--I can tell yer _that_! You know
+that saller-faced man as works for Bullivant--'im as limps on his left
+leg?"
+
+"Do you mean 'im wi' the watery eyes?" asked the other.
+
+"That's 'im. Well, he was takin' some polo-ponies to London, and one on
+'em was a bit o' reg'lar hot ginger, and begins buckin' one day in the
+middle o' the road. There was a chap workin' in a field as sees what was
+goin' on, and 'e comes up and offers to scripture the pony for a pint o'
+ale. So he takes the pony's ear in his teeth and scriptures 'im same as
+that man did as was workin' wi' you at Lord Charles's. '_Genesis and
+Revelations_,' he says, whispering into the pony's ear; and the pony
+became as quiet as a lamb. The saller-faced chap 'eard 'im, and says 'e
+to 'imself, 'I'll remember them words.' So the next time as they had a
+kicker at Bullivant's, the saller-faced chap thinks 'e'll try 'is 'and
+at scripturin' 'im. So out he goes for a drop o' whisky, to put a bit
+o' 'eart into 'im, for between you and me 'e didn't 'alf like his job.
+Then he goes into the stables and makes a grab at the 'oss's ear. But
+the 'oss catches 'old of his breeches with his teeth and pitches 'im to
+the back o' the stable in no time. The saller-faced chap, seeing 'imself
+under the 'oss's 'eels, roars out '_Genesis and Revelations_' just as
+though 'is 'ouse was on fire. And no sooner had 'e spoken them words
+than the 'oss let 'im 'ave it red-'ot. Broke 'is thigh in two places,
+that it did, and kep 'im in 'orspital three months. And that's 'ow 'e
+got 'is limp."
+
+"Looks as though it were no use gettin' the right words unless you're
+the _right sort o' man_," said the other groom.
+
+"That's what does it," answered Bill. "My old dad, as was in the
+Balaklava Charge, used to say as no man could scripture a 'oss unless
+he'd been _converted_."
+
+"I reckon that's what 'appened to old Shiny-boots and his Ethelberta.
+Haven't I always said that he must 'a been a warm 'un in his young
+days? What about 'im puttin' his money on that 'oss as won the Buddle
+Stakes? And what about 'im bein' robbed of his winnings just as 'e was
+gettin' 'ome? He 'adn't got 'is white tie on then, Bill, eh? What state
+must a man be in when 'e comes 'ome after a race and lets another feller
+pinch his money out of his inside pocket?"
+
+"Drunk as a lord, no doubt," said Bill; "though to see the old joker now
+you wouldn't think it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Meanwhile Professor Scattergood, after trotting three or four miles down
+the London Road, had turned into the by-lane that led to the villages of
+Medbury and Charlton Towers. Up to this point the behaviour of
+Ethelberta had been beyond reproach. But as they turned down the lane a
+tramp with a wooden leg, who was nursing a fire of sticks in the hedge,
+some fifty yards ahead, got up and stepped out into the road. For a few
+moments Ethelberta did not see him, and maintained her swinging trot.
+Professor Scattergood tightened his grip. The mare went on until the
+tramp was not more than five paces distant, and then, suddenly noticing
+his deformity, she planted her fore-feet and stopped dead. Scattergood,
+nearly unhorsed by the sudden stoppage, was thrown off his guard, and in
+momentary confusion of mind called out in his rasping voice, "Steady,
+Meg, steady!"
+
+"_Meg_": the sound stung Ethelberta like the lash of a whip, and in an
+instant she was off.
+
+Professor Scattergood did not lose his presence of mind. For a moment he
+tried to check the bolting mare, but feeling her mouth like iron he
+loosened his rein and let her race. He knew the road for the next five
+miles was fairly straight, except at one point; there was a long steep
+hill on this side of Charlton Towers, and he reflected that his mare was
+certain to be blown before she reached the top. He could keep his seat,
+and, barring a collision with some passing vehicle, the chances were
+that he would win through. He shouted, indeed, and tried such resources
+of language as his breathlessness allowed; but Ethelberta was far
+beyond the reach of endearments, and the race had to be run. So
+Scattergood sat tight and awaited the issue.
+
+His mind was perfectly clear. It seemed as if his desperate condition
+had given him a large quiet leisure for introspection. As objects on the
+road shot by him he noted each one; and, with a curious double
+consciousness, began watching the flow of his own thoughts. He even
+wondered at the calmness and lucidity of his mind, and asked himself the
+reason. "Perhaps it is the imminence of death," he reflected; "but
+death, now that it has come so near, has no terrors. That is John
+Hawksbury's cottage. I wonder if his son has returned from India. I must
+be careful on the bridge. God grant that we don't meet a cart!"
+
+They were nearing a village, and Scattergood heard the pealing of bells
+mingled with the roar of the wind in his ear. As they shot past the
+church he saw a wedding-party standing aghast in the churchyard. He saw
+the bride, leaning on the bridegroom's arm. The party had just emerged
+from the porch, and the look of terror on the bride's face was clearly
+visible to Scattergood. "Poor girl," he reflected; "she'll take this for
+a bad omen." He saw men running and heard their shouts. At the end of
+the village street a brave lad stood with arms outstretched. "A hero,"
+thought Scattergood; "he will surely be rewarded in the resurrection of
+the just."
+
+They were out of the village in a flash. A furlong beyond it the road
+turned sharply at right angles. "She will jump the hedge at that point,"
+thought Scattergood; "I must be ready." Ethelberta swung round the bend
+with hardly a check; but the rider, ready for that also, still kept his
+seat. A moment later she leapt over some obstacle in the road which
+Scattergood, short-sighted as he was, could not see. His glasses were
+gone, and the cold wind beating in his eyes had half blinded him. He was
+losing the sense of his whereabouts, and there were moments when he saw
+himself as a mere inanimate object held in the grip of the brute force
+that was pulsing beneath him. "And yet," he reflected, "I am not utterly
+abandoned after all. I know what is happening; the leaf on the torrent
+knows nothing. A point for a lecture on Necessity and Freedom--all the
+difference between the two involved in that single fact! To have one's
+wits about him and be unafraid--what a power is that to break the ruling
+of Fate! Nothing save a shock can unhorse me. It is a match between Pure
+Reason in Scattergood and madness in Ethelberta. Would that it had been
+so in the old days! But, please God, I shall beat her this time. Ha!
+She's giving in!" They were breasting the two-mile hill on this side
+Charlton Towers, and with the rise in the gradient came a slackening of
+the pace. Ethelberta, with head down, still held the bit between her
+teeth; but the first rush of her speed was exhausted. Scattergood felt
+the difference instantly, and marked its gradual increase, promising
+himself that he would have her in hand before they reached the level
+ground on the top of the hill. Some distance ahead of him he could
+dimly see the form of a tall tree. With admirable presence of mind he
+roughly measured the distance and said to himself: "On passing that
+tree, but not before, I will tighten the rein, and gradually tighten it
+until on reaching the summit I shall have completely pulled her up."
+
+They were almost abreast of the tree when a dark-plumaged bird,
+frightened from its roost, fluttered out of the upper branches and flew
+with a whir of wings right athwart the road. At the sight of the black
+object, flung as it were into her eyes, Ethelberta made a rapid swerve,
+and, placing her near fore-foot on a rolling stone, plunged forward with
+her head between her knees. Down she came, almost turning a somersault
+with the violence of her impetus, and Professor Scattergood, hurled far
+out of his saddle, fell prone with a terrific shock on the newly
+metalled road.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When consciousness at length returned it brought no pain of wounds; but
+cold pierced him like a knife and a shock of sounds was in his ears. A
+flood of memories was sweeping over him. Beginning in the distant past,
+and streaming through the years with incredible rapidity, they
+terminated abruptly in a vision seen far below him, as though he were a
+watcher in the skies. He saw a deeply wounded man lying outstretched, as
+it seemed, on the circumpolar ice, and a horse stood by him like a
+ministering priest. The horse was warming the man with its breath, and
+the steam of its body rose high into the frozen air. The consciousness
+of Scattergood, hovering in a present which had well-nigh become a past,
+was on the borderland which separates a running experience from a
+completed fact--vaguely suffering, yet aloof from the sufferer, whom he
+seemed to remember as one who long ago endured the bitterness of death.
+The vision was hardly more than a spectacle, the last link in a long
+chain of memories, and the past would have claimed it entirely had not
+the stunning sounds still fettered some fragment of conscious distress
+in the body of the freezing man.
+
+The din increased, and in great bewilderment of mind he began to seek
+for its cause. Now it was one thing, now another. "This sound," he
+thought, "is the grind and roar of colliding ice-floes and the crackle
+of the Northern Lights." The sounds thus identified immediately became
+something else. They seemed to scatter and retreat, and then,
+concentrating again, returned as the tolling of an enormous bell. Nearer
+and nearer it came till the quivering metal lay close against his ear
+and the iron tongue of the bell smote him like a bludgeon.
+
+A warmth passed over his face and a troubled thought began to disturb
+him. "I am sleeping through the summer; I must rouse myself before
+winter comes back." And with a great reluctant effort he opened his
+eyes.
+
+A scarlet veil hung before them. He tried to thrust it aside with his
+hands, which seemed to fail him and miss the mark. Succeeding at last,
+he saw a vast creature standing motionless above him, its hot breath
+mingling with his, its great eyes, only a hand-breadth away, looking
+with infinite tenderness into his own.
+
+He tried to recollect himself, and something in his hand gave him a
+clue. "This thing," he mused, "is surely my handkerchief. It belongs to
+John Scattergood. It is one of a dozen his poor drug-sodden wife gave
+him on Christmas Day. And here, close to me, is Ethelberta. How red her
+feet are!" And he stared vacantly at a deep gash on Ethelberta's chest,
+and watched the great gouts that were dripping from her knees and
+forming crimson pools around her hoofs.
+
+The crimson pools were full of mystery; they fascinated and troubled
+him; they were problems in philosophy he couldn't solve. "Surely," he
+thought, "I _have_ solved them, but forgotten the solution. I have lost
+the notes of my lecture. Dyed garments from Bozrah--red, red! The colour
+of my doctor's gown--I have trodden the wine-press alone. The colour of
+poppies--drowsy syrups--deadly drugs! The ground-tint of the Universe--a
+difficult problem! Strange that a friendly Universe should be so red.
+Gentlemen, I am not well to-day--don't laugh at a sick man. The red is
+quite simple. It only means that someone is hurt. Not I, certainly. Who
+can it be? Ah, now I see. Poor old girl!" And he feebly reached out his
+handkerchief, already soaked with his own blood, as though he would
+staunch the streaming wounds of Ethelberta.
+
+As he did this, the great bell broke out afresh. It fell away into the
+distance. A second joined it; a third, a fourth, a fifth, until a whole
+peal was ringing and the air seemed full of music and of summer warmth.
+
+Then Scattergood began to dream his last dream, ineffably content.
+
+He stood by the open door of a church: inside he could see the ringers
+pulling at the ropes. And Ethelberta, young and happy as himself, was
+leaning on his arm.
+
+"Sweetheart," she whispered, "let us behave ourselves like rational
+beings."
+
+He laughed and would have spoken. But a din of clattering hoofs, which
+drowned the pealing of the bells, struck him dumb. The swift image of a
+grey-headed man, riding a maddened horse, shot out of the darkness,
+passed by, and vanished; and the wedding-party stood aghast.
+
+"Who is yonder rider?" he said, with a great effort, bending over
+Ethelberta.
+
+"A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief," said a soft voice in his
+ear.
+
+A thousand echoes caught up the words and flung them far abroad. Then
+thunders awoke behind, and rolled after the echoes like pursuing
+cavalry. "_A man of sorrows_," cried the echoes. "_He has come through
+great tribulations_," the thunders shouted in reply.
+
+On went the chase, the flying echoes in retreat, the deep-voiced thunder
+in pursuit. Then Scattergood saw himself swept into the torrent of
+riders, and it seemed as if the solid frame of things were dissolved
+into a flight of whispers and a pursuit of shouts. A fugitive secret,
+that fled with unapproachable speed, was the quarry, and the hunters
+were billows of sound, and the rhythm of beating hoofs gave the time to
+their undulations. A tide of joy awoke within the dreamer; he was
+horsed on the thunder; he was leading the field; he was close on the
+heels of the game; he was captain of the host to an innumerable company
+of loud-voiced and meaningless things. Then would come expansions,
+accelerations, and sudden checks. Fissures yawned in front; mountains
+barred the way; the time was broken, and voices from the rear were
+calling a halt. But the thunders have the bit between their teeth; they
+are clearing the chasms; they are leaping over the mountain tops; and
+clouds of witnesses are shouting "Well done!" The wide heavens fill with
+the tumult; myriads of eager stars are watching, and great waters are
+clapping their hands.
+
+"Who is this that leads the chase?" a voice was asking. "Who is this
+that feels the thunder leap beneath him like a living thing?" "It is
+I--John Scattergood--it is I!" And ever before him fled the secret; it
+mocked the chasing squadrons, and the wild winds aided its flight.
+
+And now the pursuer perceived himself pursued. A swarm of troubled
+thoughts, on winged horses, was overtaking him. They swept by on either
+side; they forged ahead; they pressed close and jostled him on his
+rocking seat. There was a shock; the thunder collapsed beneath him, and
+he fell and fell into bottomless gloom.
+
+Suddenly his fall was stayed. A hand caught him; a presence encircled
+him, something touched him on the lips, and a voice said, "At last! At
+last!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Professor Scattergood was sitting on the stones, his body bowed forward,
+his hands feebly clasped round the head of his motionless horse; the
+breath of life was leaving him, and his heart was almost still. Then the
+dying flame flickered once more. He opened his eyes, gazing into the
+darkness like one who sees a long-awaited star. His fingers tightened;
+he seemed to draw the head of Ethelberta a little nearer his own; and it
+was as if they two were holding some colloquy of love.
+
+In the twinkling of an eye it was done, and the pallor of death crept
+over the wounded face. The clasped hands, with the blood-stained
+handkerchief still between them, slowly relaxed; the glance withered;
+the arms fell; the head drooped. It rested for a moment on the soft
+muzzle of the beast; and then, with a quiet breath, the whole body
+rolled backwards and lay face upward to the stars.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Clouds swept over the sky, the winds were hushed, and the dense darkness
+of a winter's night fell like a pall over the dead. Not a soul came nigh
+the spot, and for hours the silence was unbroken by the footfall of any
+living creature or by the stirring of a withered leaf. And far away in
+the dead's man's home lay an oblivious woman, drenched in the sleep of
+opium.
+
+It was near midnight when a carrier's cart, drawn by an old horse and
+lit by a feeble lantern, began to climb the silent hill. Weary with the
+labours of a long day, the carrier sat dozing among the village
+merchandise. Suddenly he woke with a start: his cart had stopped.
+Leaning forward, he peered ahead; and the gleam of his lantern fell on
+the stark figure of a man lying in the middle of the road. A larger
+mass, dimly outlined, lay immediately beyond. Raising his light a little
+higher, the carrier saw that the further object was the dead body of a
+horse.
+
+
+
+
+FARMER JEREMY AND HIS WAYS
+
+
+Mr Jeremy's system for the regulation of human life was summed up in the
+maxim, "Put your back into it"; and a lifetime of practising what he
+preached has endowed that part, or aspect, of his person with an
+astonishing vitality and developed it to an enormous size. Not without
+reason did our yeomanry sergeant exhibit his stock joke by informing
+Jeremy on parade that if only his head had been set the other way he
+would have had the finest chest in the British army.
+
+But the full significance of Jeremy's back was not to be perceived by
+one who looked upon it from the drill-sergeant's point of view. It was
+not only the broadest but the most expressive organ of the farmer's
+body, and a poet's eye was needed to interpret the meaning it conveyed.
+For myself, I should never have suspected that it meant anything more
+than great physical strength employed in a strenuous life, had not a
+poetical friend of mine taken the matter up and enlightened me. My
+friend and I were crossing a field by the footpath, and Jeremy, walking
+rapidly in the same direction, was a few yards ahead.
+
+"There goes a man," I whispered, "who is worth your study. You could
+write a poem about him. He's one of the few remaining specimens of a
+type that is becoming extinct. He represents agriculture as it was
+before the advent of science and Radical legislation. He is the most
+honest and prosperous farmer in the county: a man, moreover, who has
+endured many sorrows and conquered them. Let us overtake him, for I
+should like you to see him face to face."
+
+"Not so," said my friend. "The man's history, as you have told it, and
+much more beside, is written on his back. Let us remain, therefore, as
+we are, and study him where such men can best be studied, from the
+rear. His back, I perceive, especially the upper portion of it, is the
+principal organ of his intelligence. Observe, he is thinking with his
+back even now--he hitched his trousers up a moment ago. His thoughts are
+pleasant--you can see it in the rhythmical movement of the muscles under
+his coat. He has some great design on hand and is sure he can carry it
+through--see how his shoulders, as he swings along, seem to be tumbling
+forward over his chest. He has had great sorrows--the droop in the
+cervical vertebrae confirms it; he has conquered them--hence that forward
+plunge into his task. He understands his business; of course; for the
+back is the organ by which all business is understood. He is honest; he
+is temperate; he has never broken the seventh commandment. You can read
+his innocence in the back of his head--I wish mine were like his." And
+my poetical friend turned round and showed me his villainous cerebellum.
+
+Thus enlightened, I began a closer study of the farmer's habits. I saw
+a new significance in an odd trick he had of suddenly swinging round on
+his heels at the interesting point of a conversation and delivering his
+remarks, and sometimes shaking his fist, with his back to the
+interlocutor. I say his back, but functionally considered it was not so;
+since at those moments the functions of the two sides of his body were
+interchanged, the organ of expression being the side now towards you,
+with every smile and frown accurately registered in the creases of the
+coat as they followed the movements of the muscles beneath. So, too,
+when Jeremy laughed. No doubt his face, while laughing, was expressive
+enough, but you couldn't see it, because it was turned the other way.
+What you did see was the farmer's coat, _a tergo_, twitching up and down
+as though pulled by a cord and then suddenly released like a Venetian
+blind; and this was quite enough to ensure your hearty participation in
+the merriment.
+
+I also managed to take several interesting photographs from the rear;
+and (may the saints forgive him!) a young gentleman of my acquaintance
+once attempted to snapshot the hinder parts of Jeremy while in church.
+Unfortunately the light was bad, and the negative proved a failure.
+Otherwise my poetical friend, for whom I intended the photograph, would
+certainly have found in it material for a new poem. Be it recorded that
+Jeremy when engaged in devotion did not kneel, but stretched his body
+forward from the seat to the book-rest, presenting his back to the
+heavens and his face to the inner regions of the earth; and, as his body
+was very long and the pew very wide, the back formed a solid and
+substantial bridge over which you might have trundled a wheelbarrow
+laden with turnips. No photograph, indeed, save one of the cinematograph
+order, the apparatus for which was too large to lie concealed beneath
+the young gentleman's waistcoat, would have reproduced the creepings,
+ripplings, and dimplings of the farmer's coat. These gave animation to
+the picture; but even without them, the mere contour of the mass, thrust
+upwards like the back of a diving whale, was a spectacle of vigour and
+concentrated purpose of which my poetical friend would not have lost the
+significance.
+
+Jeremy was the oldest of the Duke's tenantry, and the land he farmed,
+which was of high quality throughout, had been held by his father, his
+grandfather, his great-grandfather, and by ancestors of yet remoter
+date. If there is any calling in which heredity is of importance to
+success it is surely the farmer's, and Jeremy was fully conscious that
+he "had it in the blood," and recognised the debt he owed to his fathers
+before him.
+
+People are wont to criticise the old-fashioned farmer as a stiff and
+unadaptable person; but what struck me about Jeremy, who was
+old-fashioned enough, was the adaptiveness and flexibility of his mind
+in dealing with the ever-varying conditions the farmer has to face. He
+had an extraordinary instinct for doing the right thing at the right
+time, and handled his land as though it were a living thing, with a kind
+of unconscious tact which seemed to me the exact opposite to that blind
+and mechanical following of habit which so often, but so mistakenly, is
+said to be the standing fault of his class. Obstinate and incredulous as
+he seemed to the new teachings of veterinary or agricultural science, I
+yet noticed that Jeremy managed to absorb enough of these things to
+produce the results he desired; and though he never absorbed as much of
+them as the experts required, his crops were always larger and his stock
+healthier than those of his neighbours whose farming was strictly
+according to the modern card.
+
+I have read one or two books on the nature of soils, and it is not
+without significance to me that the little, the very little, useful
+knowledge I have of these things was derived not from the books but from
+Mr Jeremy. There was a bit of ground in my garden where I could make
+nothing grow, and I hunted in vain through all the gardening books I
+could find for a remedy, and even went the length of consulting some of
+the gifted authors, two of whom were ladies. I sent them specimens of
+the soil for examination; they teased them with formulae and tormented
+them with acids; they boiled them in retorts and pickled them in glass
+tubes; they sent me the names of marauding bacteria whose lodgings they
+had discovered in that morsel of earth: and I, following their
+instructions, dosed the land with atrocious chemicals, until the
+earth-worms sickened and the very snails forsook the tainted spot. Still
+nothing would grow.
+
+Then came Mr Jeremy. He picked up a handful of the soil; gazed at it as
+a lapidary gazes at diamonds; smelt it; felt it tenderly with his
+forefinger; spat upon it; rubbed the mixture on his breeches; inspected
+the result, first on his breeches and then on his hand--and now my
+barren patch is blossoming like the garden of the Lord. The others had
+advised me to try I know not what--nitrates of this and phosphates of
+that, sulphates of the other and carbonates of something else. Mr Jeremy
+said, "Chuck a cart-load o' fine sand on her and then rip her up."
+
+Mr Jeremy, I have said, was aware that his roots struck deeply into the
+past, and this consciousness, I believe, helped to give him that
+confidence in himself without which no man can successfully till the
+earth or battle with destiny--the two things, I believe, being at bottom
+much the same.
+
+His farmhouse, so far as I could judge, was built--and built of almost
+imperishable stone--in the later years of the reign of Charles II., and
+had never been structurally modified since its erection. Some of the
+out-buildings were of yet earlier date. Scattered about in odd corners
+were not a few interesting relics of the past. For example, there was a
+case of coins, which had been arranged for Jeremy by the late Rector's
+wife, representing every reign from Charles I. to George IV., every one
+of which coins had been dug up on the farm. In the big courtyard there
+was a block of hard stone scored with grooves and notches, where the
+troopers in some forgotten battle were said to have sharpened their
+swords; on the outside wall was a row of rings and stables where the
+same troopers had tethered their horses. In the cellar there was a
+collection of large shot, which there was reason to think had been
+stored there at the time of the forgotten battle; and with these were a
+lot of iron buckles, and broken tobacco-pipes of ancient form, which had
+been dug up in a mound on the hillside through which Jeremy was cutting
+a drain. A good pint-measure of human teeth, in excellent preservation,
+had been discovered in the same place, and these were kept in an old
+tobacco-box. Connected with all this, I suppose, were the names of
+several of the fields on the farm: one of which was called "The
+Slaughters"; another, "Horses' Water"; another, "The Guns." And besides
+these, which reminded one of "old, unhappy, far-off things and battles
+long ago," there were two other fields, the names of which were also
+interesting to me. One, a beautiful meadow with a southern slope, was
+"Abbot's Vineyard," and the big pond with the aspens beside it was
+"Benedict's Pool." Of these names the explanation was utterly lost; nor
+could I invent a theory, for the nearest religious house of
+pre-Reformation times was many miles away. The other field was called
+"Quebec," and the coppice at its upper end was "Monckton Wood."
+
+These latter names I am able to explain. Several of Jeremy's ancestors
+had been to the wars, among them his great-great-grandfather Silas
+Jeremy, who had fought under Wolfe at the capture of Quebec, and
+probably under Monckton in some earlier campaign. In the house there
+were several mementoes of this man: the identical George II. shilling he
+had received on enlisting--proving, as Jeremy would often say, that his
+great-great-grandfather was a "sober" man; a gold watch with a
+beautifully executed design of the death of Wolfe engraved on the case,
+said to have been presented to Silas on his return from the wars by the
+reigning Duke; and, above all, a flint-lock musket, with bayonet
+attached, which Jeremy asserted his ancestor had used in the battle, but
+which I judged on examination to have been of French manufacture, and
+therefore most probably a relic picked up from the battle-field--perhaps
+the identical musket along whose barrel some French grenadier had taken
+aim at the noble heart of Wolfe--who knows?
+
+Another memorial of this ancestor--a pretty obvious one--I can myself
+claim to have identified. It was an obstinate rule of the farm that the
+annual "harvest-home" should be held on September 13; and even if the
+harvest was much belated and only a portion then gathered in, still
+September 13 was the date, provided only that it did not fall on a
+Sunday. September 13, I need hardly say, is the anniversary of the
+battle of the Heights of Abraham. The coincidence had been entirely
+forgotten by the Jeremys, and was unrecorded in the traditions of our
+village; but not many days after I had pointed it out, the gossips
+having been at work in the meantime, an old man came in from a
+neighbouring parish and told me "as how" his father had talked with a
+man who knew another man who had been present at the Jeremys'
+harvest-home in 1760, when Silas Jeremy, who had just come back from
+foreign parts, and whose tomb was in the churchyard, sang a song about
+the taking of Quebec, which the old man's father used to sing--though he
+himself couldn't remember it--and declared that for all time to come the
+feast should be held on Quebec Day, and on no other.
+
+This little circumstance, I may say in passing, was the beginning of my
+friendship with the Jeremy who forms the subject of the present story.
+My discovery of the coincidence gave him a most exaggerated opinion of
+my abilities and worth. To quote his own words, it proved me to be "a
+gentleman as knows what's what"--a characteristic which, so far as I am
+aware, has never been revealed to anybody else. And Jeremy's good
+opinion of me was yet further enhanced when he learnt that I had twice
+visited the Plains of Abraham; that I knew the place by heart; that I
+had climbed up the goat-path by which his ancestor had scaled the
+heights, and had laid my head on the spot where Wolfe met his most
+enviable death. He would have me into his house that very night to tell
+him all about it; showed me the George II. shilling and the gold watch;
+took down the old musket and let me handle it and put it to my shoulder
+and even pull the trigger; spent two hours in rapt attention while I
+read out Parkman's account of the battle; and finally summed up the
+whole campaign and its significance in one sweeping comment, "By Gum,
+sir, them fellers put their backs into it, and that's _just_ what they
+did!"
+
+The same held true, I should think, of Jeremy's grandfather, to judge by
+another relic carefully treasured in the house. This was an enormous
+iron crowbar, the mere lifting of which was a challenge to "put your
+back into it." With this weapon the Jeremy of that day had successfully
+defended himself against a crowd of rascals who came out to burn his
+ricks in '32. Some memories of that fight were still extant in the
+village, and a bonny fight it must have been. My informant, an
+eyewitness of the scene, was too nearly imbecile to stand
+cross-examination; but what he remembered was to the point. Aware of
+the impending danger, Jeremy had built his ricks that year within the
+defences of his courtyard, the walls of which he had rendered unscalable
+by various devices. It only remained, therefore, to defend the gate; and
+here were posted Timothy Caine with a maul, Job Henderson with a flail,
+an unnamed woman with a cauldron of flour to fling in the face of the
+enemy, and the farmer with the crowbar. These won the day; and more I
+cannot tell you, because my informant's language, which I could never
+induce him to vary, became extremely metaphorical at this point: "Master
+Jeremy, he give 'em pen and ink: pen and ink is what he give 'em with
+the crowbar, sir, that he did; there was none on 'em wanted hitting
+twice, no, not one; and, my eye! to see the flour a-flying! What a steam
+it made! I can see it now."
+
+Agricultural experts who visited our parish, though forced to admire the
+excellence of Jeremy's farming, were wont to criticise him for being
+"too slow." Now there, I think, they were distinctly wrong. I have
+nothing to say against Agricultural Science: I wish there was more of
+it; but if it has a weakness it lies in a certain tendency to be "quick"
+precisely at those points where Jeremy was triumphantly "slow." His
+slowness was simply the instinctive timing of his action to the
+movements of Nature, who is also "slow" in relation to yet higher
+powers. You would often think that he was dawdling; but if you looked
+into the matter you were sure to find that just then Nature was dawdling
+too, and that Jeremy was beating her at a waiting game. So, too, if you
+watched a python creeping from branch to branch or lying coiled in a
+glass case you would judge it to be the slowest of beasts; but not if
+you saw it springing on its prey. There was much of the wisdom of the
+serpent in Mr Jeremy, as there must be in every man who earns his living
+by battle with the natural order of the world. "I wakes regularly at
+five o'clock," he said. "But I never gets up till a quarter past. What
+do I think about in that quarter of an hour? Why, I spends it in
+_cutting out_." By "cutting out" he meant the process of mentally
+arranging the day's work for himself and for every man on the farm. The
+python on the branch, I imagine, is often engaged in "cutting out." "In
+farming," he added, for he was giving a lesson, "you ought to cut out
+fresh every day, and not every week, as some farmers do--though I've
+knowed them as never cut out at all. And cutting out's a thing you can
+never learn in books and colleges. It comes by experience--and a light
+hand. Sometimes you must cut out _rough_, and sometimes you must cut out
+_fine_--mostly according to the weather and the time o' year--and always
+_leave a bit somewhere as isn't cut out at all_. And when you've done
+the cutting out, take a look out o' the window and tap your glass. Do it
+the minute you jumps out o' bed. And if there's been a change in the
+wind during the night, cut out _again_ while you're pulling your
+breeches on and tear up what you've cut out already. And don't give no
+orders to anybody till you've had your breakfast--leastways a cup o'
+tea; it clears a man's head and lets you see if you've been making any
+mistakes. I've often cut out six or seven times between waking and
+giving the day's orders--what with the tricks of the weather and my head
+not being as clear as it ought to have been." And I wondered how often
+Napoleon had done the same thing.
+
+Indeed, if I may venture on a quite innocent paradox, there is a kind of
+slowness which takes the form of rapidity in reducing one's pace. Such
+slowness is nothing but inverted speed, and is highly effective in
+farming, in war, and in many other things. And of Mr Jeremy we may say
+that whereas, on the one hand, he was extremely slow in the acquisition
+of new knowledge, on the other he was equally quick to check himself in
+the application of such knowledge as he possessed already. This gave
+him, in the eyes of superficial observers, the appearance of being
+"slow." At the same time it enabled him to make a better thing out of
+farming than any of his neighbours, some of whom had been trained in
+Agricultural Colleges.
+
+I have to confess that my acquaintance with Mr Jeremy has not been
+without a certain demoralising effect. It has corrupted the brightness
+of many comfortable truths which excellent preceptors taught me in my
+youth. I will not say that my hold on these truths has altogether
+vanished; but, thanks to Mr Jeremy's influence, I have learned to see
+them in so many new lights, and with so many qualifications, that for
+purposes of platform oratory on all questions connected with the land
+and its uses I have entirely lost the very little effectiveness I once
+had. There was a time when if anyone mentioned the land I always wanted
+to make a speech. Now I feel--what no doubt I ought to have felt
+then--that I must hold my tongue. To be quite frank, my views on the
+land have become confused, hesitating, and politically ineffective. That
+a farmer owning his own land was _caeteris paribus_ necessarily better
+off than a tenant once seemed to me a truth so plain as not to be worth
+discussion. But if I had to speak on that point now, I should hesitate
+and hedge about to a degree which would force any intelligent audience
+to regard me as a fool. Instead of speaking out loud and strong for
+peasant proprietorship, I should be thinking all the time of the three
+peasant proprietors in our neighbourhood--George Corey, Charles
+Narroway, and Billy Hoare, who are the meanest, the stingiest, the most
+underhand and generally despicable rascals I have ever met. Were a
+resolution placed before the meeting in favour of bringing the
+townspeople back on to the land, I should say in support that while it
+is infinitely sad to see the real peasantry drifting into the towns, it
+is yet worse to see people like Prendergast, the ex-draper, drifting out
+of the towns and setting up as country gentlemen. I should want to tell
+the audience all about Prendergast and the hideous human packing-case he
+has built on the opposite hillside; how he swindled the village
+shopkeeper out of twenty pounds; how he sweats his labourers just as he
+sweated the poor girls who used to serve behind his counter; how he told
+me to go to the devil when I begged him not to build his abominable
+house where it would spoil the view: and then I should want to add a few
+details about his personal habits which I am afraid would cause the
+ladies to walk out of the room. And I should wind up by saying, amid the
+derisive laughter of the audience, that one reason, at all events, why
+the real peasants go _into_ the towns is to escape from slavery to these
+pinchbeck fellows who come _out_ of the towns. I should want to
+quote--but I am afraid my courage would have already broken down--what
+Jeremy once said to me:--"The Dook--when did you ever hear of any man
+going into the town as worked on _his_ estate? But as for this 'ere
+Prendergast, I wonder the very pigs stop in his stye."
+
+Undoubtedly it was due to Jeremy's influence that I came to appreciate
+this side of the matter. He also taught me to regard the tenant farmer
+as superior to all other varieties of his class. I know it is
+wrong-headed, generalising from a particular case and all that--but I
+would rather be wrong-headed with Jeremy, who took a back-view of
+everything, than right-headed with some forward spirits who treat the
+land as a _corpus vile_ for political experiments. And what logical mind
+could resist arguments like the following, back-views though they be?
+
+"It takes _two_, sir," said Jeremy, "for to handle the land. A nobleman
+to own it, and a farmer to cultivate it. There's nothing that gives you
+_confidence_ like having a real gentleman behind you--and the Dook's a
+real gentleman if ever there was one. And you want confidence in
+farming--and that's what these 'ere Radicals don't see. I don't want
+none o' _their_ safeguards! Give me the Dook--he's safeguard enough for
+me! And what safeguard have you when fellers like Prendergast begin
+buying up the land? Look at _his_ tenants--not a real farmer among 'em,
+no, and not one as can make both ends meet. These little landlords are
+the men they ought to shoot at, not the big 'uns. Now isn't it a
+wonderful thing that my family and the Dook's has kept step with one
+another for a matter of two hundred years? Eight Dooks in that time and
+eight Jeremys--one Jeremy to each Dook! But who'll ever keep step with
+Prendergast? Who'll ever _want_ to? Why, I wouldn't be seen walking down
+the street with him, no, not if you was to give me a thousand pounds.
+And if he was to offer me his best farm rent-free to-morrow, I'd tell
+him to go and boil hisself.
+
+"No, sir," he continued, "it don't pay to own the land you farm; and
+don't you believe them as tells you it does. Leastways, it pays a sight
+better to farm under a good landlord. Them as can't make farming pay
+under a landlord, can't make it pay at all. Now look at me and then look
+at Charley Shott. Me and Charley started the same year, him with 400
+acres of his own, and me with 380 acres under the Dook, rented all round
+at twenty-eight shillings an acre. And where are we both now after
+thirty years? Why, if Charley's land, and all he's made on it, and all
+he's put into it, were set at auction to-morrow, I could buy him up
+twice over! And me paying over five hundred pounds a year rent for
+thirty years, and him not paying a penny. How does that come about?
+Well, you're not a farmer, and you wouldn't understand if I told you.
+But I'll tell you one thing as perhaps you can understand. It hurts the
+land to break it up. And it _hurts_ the land still more to _sell_ it.
+Now I dare say you never heard of that before."
+
+I confessed that I had not.
+
+"Well, it's a fact. When you break land up it won't _keep_. It goes like
+rotten apples: first a bit goes rotten here and then a bit there; and
+the rottenness spreads and runs together. And as to _selling_, I tell
+you there's something in the land _as knows when you're goin' to sell
+it, and loses heart_. I've seen the same thing in 'osses. It takes the
+land longer to get used to a new master than it does a 'oss; and there's
+some land as never will.
+
+"No, sir, I say again, if you want to make farming _pay_, take a farm on
+a big estate, one that's never been broke up and's never likely to be,
+one that's been in the same hands for hundreds o' years, one that's
+never been shaken up and messed with and slopped all over with lawyer's
+ink, and made sour with lawyer's lies. Never mind if the rent's a bit
+stiffish. Rent never bothered _me_."
+
+I ventured to dissent from these opinions, for I had given lectures on
+Political Economy, and I knew of at least four different theories of
+Rent all at variance with Jeremy's--and with one another. Perhaps I
+should have succeeded better had I known of only one. But, knowing of
+four, I may have become a little confused in my attempts to confute
+Farmer Jeremy. Not that this made very much difference. On all questions
+relating to the nature of land and its uses Jeremy was a mystic, and
+orthodox Political Economy was as futile to his mind as it was to Mr
+Ruskin's. Every position I took up was immediately stormed by the
+rejoinder, "Ah, well, you're not a farmer, and you don't understand." I
+could not help remembering that I had often been overthrown in more
+abstruse arguments by the same sort of answer. I might, indeed, have
+countered by saying, "Ah, well, Mr Jeremy, you're not an economist, and
+_you_ don't understand." But it occurred to me that the reply would be
+feeble.
+
+"I tell you," he went on, "that good land _likes_ to be high-rented. It
+sort o' keeps it in humour. Land _likes_ to be owned by a gentleman, and
+keeps its heart up accordin'. Whenever the rent o' land goes down, the
+quality goes down too. I've noticed it again and again."
+
+I tried to indicate that this last statement was an inversion of cause
+and effect, but the argument made not the faintest impression on Mr
+Jeremy, who merely brushed away a fly that had settled on his nose, and
+continued:
+
+"I never spoke to the Dook but once. I met him one morning riding to
+hounds with Lady Sybil and Lady Agatha. As soon as he sees me he trots
+his horse up to where I was standing and holds out his hand. 'Jeremy,'
+says he, 'I want to shake hands with you. You're a splendid specimen of
+the British farmer.' 'Thank you, your Grace,' I says; 'and you're a
+splendid specimen of the British Dook,' for I was never afraid of
+speaking my mind to anyone. At that his Grace bursts out laughin', and
+so did Lady Sybil and Lady Agatha too. 'Let me introduce you to my two
+daughters,' says he. So he introduces me, and I can tell you I stood up
+to 'em like a man, though I did keep my hat in my hand all the time.
+'Well, Jeremy,' says he, 'you've got your farm in tip-top condition';
+and then he begins talking about putting up some new buildings, as me
+and the agent had been talking over before. 'We'll put 'em up next
+spring,' says his Grace; 'and remember, Jeremy, that in all that
+concerns the development of this farm you have me behind you.' 'I've
+never forgotten it, your Grace,' I says, 'and I never shall. And I'm not
+the only one who remembers it. _The land_ remembers it too, your Grace,'
+I says. 'I hope it does, Jeremy,' says he, 'for I love it.' And I never
+see a young lady look prettier than Lady Agatha did when she heard her
+father say them words."
+
+I had heard this story so often from Farmer Jeremy, and always with the
+same reference to Lady Agatha at the end, that I was familiar with every
+word of it. He was growing old, and I believe that in the course of the
+year he managed to tell the story a hundred times over. "I was coming
+home from market last Saturday," said he, "and a lot of other farmers
+was in the same compartment with me. We begins talkin' about the Dook,
+and I happened to tell 'em about that time when I met his Grace with
+Lady Sybil and Lady Agatha. There was a chap sitting in one corner as
+didn't belong to our lot, and as soon as he hears the Dook's name
+mentioned he drops his paper and begins listening. Well, I never see
+such a rage anywhere as that man got into when I told 'em how I kept my
+hat in my hand while talking to the ladies. Regular insultin' is what he
+was; and I can tell you I never came nearer giving a man one in the eye
+than I did him. I believe I'd ha' done it if there'd been room in the
+carriage for him to put up his hands and make a square fight on it. I
+don't say as he weren't a plucky chap too; for there wasn't a man in
+the carriage as couldn't ha' knocked his head off with the flat of his
+hand, if he'd had a mind to. 'Look here, you fellows,' he says, 'you're
+a lot of blasted idiots, that's what you are. It's because of the
+besotted ignorance of men like you that England has the worst
+land-system in the world. Slaverin' and grovellin' before a lot o'
+rotten Dooks--why, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves! I'll bet that
+Dook o' yours and his two painted gals was mounted on fine horses and
+dressed up to the nines.' 'Of course they was,' I says, 'and so they
+ought to be.' 'Well,' says he, 'who paid for the horses and the
+clothes--and the paint?' 'Here,' I says, jumping up from my seat, 'you
+drop the paint, or I'll pitch you out o' that winder.' 'Well, then,'
+says he, 'who paid for the horses and the clothes?' 'I neither know nor
+care,' says I; 'so long as they was paid for, it's no business of mine
+or yourn who paid for 'em.' '_You paid for 'em_, you fool,' says he.
+'Oh, indeed,' says I. 'And now, young man, perhaps you'll allow me to
+give you a word of advice.' 'Fire away,' says he. 'Well,' I says, 'the
+next time your missus has a washin' day, you just wait till she's made
+the copper 'ot, and then jump into it and boil yourself!'"
+
+The "chap" in the railway carriage was by no means the only person to
+whom Mr Jeremy addressed this drastic advice. It was his usual mode of
+clinching an argument when his instincts supported a conclusion to which
+his intelligence could not find the way. This method of arriving at
+truth was especially useful in regard to politics and theology, in both
+of which Mr Jeremy took a lively, or even violent, interest. Needless to
+say, his political aversions were of the strongest, and Mr Lloyd George
+was the statesman who had to bear the hottest flame of Jeremy's wrath.
+More than once I have seen him fling his weekly paper on the floor with
+the words, "I wish this 'ere Lloyd George would jump into the copper and
+boil hisself"; and on my remarking that I thought this a rather inhuman
+suggestion, he would wave his arm round the room, in a manner to
+indicate the entire Liberal Party, and say, "I wish the whole lot on
+'em would jump into coppers and boil themselves." As to theology, I
+seldom dared to address a hint of my heresies to Mr Jeremy. But on my
+once saying to another person, in his presence, something to the effect
+that I did not believe in eternal damnation, he quickly crossed over to
+where I was sitting, and, giving me a rather ugly dig with his powerful
+forefinger, said, "Look here! You just jump into the copper and boil
+yourself." A wise stupidity was the keynote of Mr Jeremy's life.
+
+Another expression reserved for occasions when great emphasis was
+needed, was "a finished specimen." A thing, in Mr Jeremy's eyes,
+deserved this title when its general condition was so bad that nothing
+worse of its kind could be conceived, and the expression accordingly was
+only used after the ordinary resources of descriptive language had given
+out. It was applied to persons as well as to things. Mr Lloyd George
+was, naturally, "a finished specimen": so was the German Emperor: so was
+Dr Crippen: so was a lady of uncertain reputation who "had taken a
+cottage" in the neighbourhood. A wet harvest, a badly built hayrick, a
+measly pig, a feeble sermon by the curate, were all "finished
+specimens." Once when the curate, getting gravelled for lack of matter
+at the end of five minutes--for he was preaching _ex tempore_--abruptly
+concluded his sermon by promising to complete the subject next week, I
+heard Jeremy whisper to his wife, "Well, _he_'s a finished specimen,
+that he is." Nothing irritated the good man so much as an unfinished
+job, and the fact that a thing was unfinished was precisely what he
+meant to express when he called it "a finished specimen." A great deal
+of human language, especially philosophical language, seems to be
+constructed on the same principle.
+
+Mr Jeremy was a regular church-goer. The Church in his eyes was part of
+the established order of Nature, on due observance of which the farmer's
+welfare depends, and merely extended into the next world those desirable
+results which sound instincts, punctuality, and "putting your back into
+it" produced in this. On week-days Mr Jeremy farmed the broad acres of
+the "Dook"; on Sundays he farmed Palestine, and occasionally drove a
+straight furrow clean across the back of the Universe. To both
+operations he applied the same methods, the same instincts, the same
+ideas. I confess that I have often smiled with the air of a superior
+person when listening to a highly trained Cathedral choir proclaiming to
+the strains of great music that "Moab was their washpot"; but when Mr
+Jeremy repeated the words in the village church I felt that he spoke the
+truth, and I went away with a clearer conception of Moab than I have
+ever gained from the works of Kuenen or Cheyne. "Moab," I reflected,
+"can be no other than the little field on the hillside, where Jeremy
+washes his sheep in the pool behind the willows." Again, I was morally
+certain that if Jeremy had lived in the neighbourhood of Edom he would
+have "cast out his shoe" upon that country, accurately aiming the
+missile at the head of any rascally Edomite who happened to be prowling
+about with a rabbit-snare in his pocket. So too when he shouted
+"Manasseh is mine"--he always shouted the Psalms--I was sure that
+Manasseh really was his, in a tenant-farmer way of speaking, and that
+next Thursday he would begin to rip up Manasseh with his great steam
+plough, and reap in due course a crop of forty bushels to the acre,
+paying the "Dook" a high rent for the privilege. Nor was Jeremy making
+any idle boast when he thundered out his further intentions, which were
+"to divide Sichem," "to mete out the valley of Succoth," and "to
+triumph" over Philistia. All this was Pragmatism of the purest water;
+you were sure he would keep his promise to the letter; you were glad for
+Sichem and Succoth, which were to be "divided" and "meted out," though
+perhaps a little sorry for the Philistines, who were to be "triumphed
+over," that a man like Jeremy should have undertaken the business; but
+you recognised that no better man for the job could be found anywhere
+than he. To be sure, Mr Jeremy, although he would have gladly boiled
+the whole Liberal Party in coppers, was much too tender-hearted to wish
+that anybody's little ones should be dashed against the stones; but I
+believe that in his innermost thought he launched the words against
+"them tarnation sparrers" and "that plague o' rats." On the whole, no
+one who listened to Mr Jeremy's repetition of these Psalms could doubt
+their entire appropriateness as a religious exercise for men such as he,
+or refrain from hoping that they would never be expunged from the Book
+of Common Prayer until the last British farmer had gone to church for
+the last time.
+
+So too with the Creeds. I believed every one of them as recited by Mr
+Jeremy, and I found the Athanasian the most convincing of them all. The
+Sundays set down for the use of that Creed--and its use was never
+omitted in our parish--were the most serious Sundays of the year to Mr
+Jeremy, and the vigour of his voice and his attitude, and the fervour of
+his participation, made a spectacle to be remembered. I wish William
+James might have seen it before he wrote his _Varieties of Religions
+Experience_; it would have given him a new chapter. At the very first
+words Jeremy joined in like a trained sprinter starting for a race; and
+though the clergyman rattled through the clauses as fast as he could
+pronounce, or mispronounce, the syllables, the farmer headed him by a
+word or two from the very first, gradually increasing his lead as the
+race proceeded until towards the end he was a full sentence to the good.
+It was evident that to Jeremy's mind, and perhaps to the clergyman's
+also, a subtle relation existed between the truth of the Creed and the
+speed with which it could be rendered. Long before the end was in sight,
+and while Jeremy was still battling with various "incomprehensibles,"
+the rest of the competitors had retired from sheer exhaustion; the
+children were munching sweets; the lads and lasses were ogling one
+another at the back of the church; Mrs Jeremy was staring in front of
+her, wondering perhaps if the careless Susan would remember that onion
+sauce _always_ went with a leg of mutton on Sundays; while Lady Agatha
+and Lady Sybil--I grieve to record this, but my historical conscience
+compels me--sat down. As to those of us who remained attentive to what
+was going on, our confidence in Catholic Truth gradually took the form
+of a certainty that the farmer would come in first and the clergyman be
+nowhere. So it always proved. Standing in the pew behind that of Jeremy,
+I could see the muscles of his mighty back working up and down beneath
+the broadcloth of his Sunday coat; and as I looked from him to the
+easily winded gentleman from Pusey House who was running against him in
+the chancel, I could not help reflecting how ridiculous, nay, how
+unsportsmanlike, it was to allow two men so ill matched to compete for
+the same event. This, no doubt, was the first symptom that, in spite of
+the standing attitude, I was going to sleep. But before it could happen
+I was suddenly brought to my senses by the _fortissimo e prestissimo_ of
+Jeremy's conclusion. "He _cannot_ be saved," he roared out, banging his
+prayer-book down on the book-rest, with a defiant look around him, as
+though the whole Liberal Party were in church. "He _cannot_ be
+saved,"--and visions of all sorts of people boiling in coppers filled
+the mental eye.
+
+Jeremy, for a farmer, was the most outrageous optimist I have ever met.
+He never grumbled, save at politicians, and the worst weather could
+hardly disconcert him. "You can always turn a bit o' bad weather to good
+account--if you put your back into it. Yes, it's been a _wet_ season, no
+doubt, but not what I should call a _bad_ season. It's true we've made
+but little hay, and that not good; but the meadows isn't dried up as
+they was last year, and there'll be feed for the stock in the open most
+of the winter. I bought fifty new head o' stock last Wednesday--bought
+'em cheap of a man as got frightened--and they'll be well fattened by
+Christmas." Serious setbacks, of course, often occurred; but Jeremy,
+unlike most of his kind, was not the man to talk about them. "What I
+believe in," he said, "is not only keeping your own heart up, but
+helping your neighbours to keep up theirs. I've no patience with all
+this 'ere grumbling and growling. Of course, a person has a lot to put
+up with in farming; but it doesn't do a person no good to be always
+thinking about that. Pleasant thoughts goes a long way in making money.
+And I tell you there's money to be made in farming, let folks say what
+they will. What farmers want is not for Parliament to help 'em, but for
+Parliament to leave 'em alone. That's why I can't stand this 'ere
+Liberal Government. Why can't they stop messing wi' things--messing wi'
+the land, messing wi' the landlords, messing wi' the tenants, messing
+wi' the farm-labourers? Why can't they leave it all alone and stick to
+what they understand, if there's anything they _do_ understand, which I
+doubt? No, sir; I don't want their laws, good or bad. Give me the custom
+of the county, and a good bench o' magistrates, and a cheerful
+disposition, and a farmyard full o' muck, and I've got all I want to
+make farming _pay_--always provided you put your back into it."
+
+But during the long-continued rain of last summer I could not help
+observing that Jeremy, in spite of his fidelity to these principles, was
+making an effort to keep up his heart. Not only was his hay ruined, but
+the finest crop of wheat he had ever raised was sprouting in the ear.
+There was sickness among the sheep and the pigs; and the standing crop
+in his great orchard was sold to a middleman for a quarter the usual
+price. But Jeremy made no complaint. Only, meeting the clergyman one day
+in the road, he said, "Parson, it's high time you put up the prayer for
+fine weather." Jeremy had a firm belief in the power of prayer--and
+especially of this one.
+
+On the first occasion when this prayer was used in the village church I
+was present in my usual place behind Jeremy. As the prayer proceeded it
+was evident that the farmer was putting his back into it. I could see
+the movement of the deltoid muscles, and I watched a great crease form
+itself in the lower portion of his coat and gradually creep upwards
+until it formed a straight line from one shoulder-blade to the other.
+When the prayer concluded Jeremy said "Amen _and_ Amen!" with the utmost
+fervour; and the crease in his coat slowly disappeared. I am afraid I
+was more occupied in watching this crease than in recalling the lesson
+that was taught to us sinners when it pleased Jehovah to "drown all the
+world, except eight persons."
+
+During the next ten days the rain fell with increasing volume and fury:
+the ditches were in flood; the roads were watercourses, and much damage
+was done on Jeremy's farm. Meeting him at this time, I said in the
+course of conversation, perhaps foolishly, "Mr Jeremy, the prayer for
+fine weather seems to have done us very little good." For a moment he
+looked at me rather angrily, as though suspecting that some lukewarmness
+on my part had deprived the prayer of its due effect. Then he checked
+himself and seemed to reflect. "No," he said at length, "it's done us no
+good at all. But what else can you expect, _with all them gigglin'
+wenches at the back of the church_?"
+
+For three miserable weeks the heavens were deaf to our entreaties, and
+matters began to look pretty black. A change for the better was
+confidently expected with the new moon; and though I have never been
+able to discover the origin of the superstition, nor a reason for it, I
+found myself as expectant as any of my neighbours--like that other great
+philosopher, who didn't believe in ghosts, but was desperately afraid of
+them. However, the new moon brought no relief to our sorry plight--and
+the superstition lives on in our parish, unimpaired. Ominous rumours
+about the end of the world spread from cottage to cottage, and our wits
+were busy in discovering the culprit whose misdeeds had precipitated the
+coming catastrophe. Most of us were persuaded that it was Tom Mellon the
+waggoner, a good workman but an irredeemable drunkard; and Tom, who was
+aware of our suspicions, became thoroughly scared. For the first time in
+twenty years Tom kept away from the public-house when his wages were
+paid, and went to bed sober but terribly depressed on Saturday night. On
+Monday morning, Mrs Mellon, whose face for once bore no trace of
+bruises, informed our cook that "her master had had a dreadful bad
+night. He would keep jumping out o' bed and going to the window, to look
+into the sky and _see if anything was up_." Tom had communicated his
+fears, when in an early stage of development, to his boon companion,
+Charley Stamp the ex-roadman, whose old-age pension went the way of
+Tom's wages and swelled the revenues of the public-house by the regular
+sum of five shillings per week. These two Arcadians, as they sat over
+their cups, concerted a plan, composed mainly of bad language, for
+defeating the ends of justice on the Day of Doom; and on the Saturday
+night previous to the one last mentioned came home together abominably
+intoxicated, waving their hats and roaring out as they went up the
+village that they were "ready" for Judgment--"with a tooral-ri-looral,
+and a rooral-li-ray." Subsequent events proved that neither of them was
+"ready." Tom's courage, as we have seen, went to pieces on hearing it
+definitely whispered that the universe was about to be wiped out in
+consequence of his bad habits. Charley's downfall was even more sudden.
+In the small hours of the very morning after his performance in the
+village street it happened that Farmer Jeremy's bull, scenting a cow in
+a neighbouring pasture, expressed his sentiments by emitting a loud
+bellow. The sound travelled to Charley's cottage, and, descending the
+chimney, mingled with his drunken dreams. "Get up, missis," he shouted,
+"get up; _the trumpet's sounding_!" and rushing into the garden he began
+to howl like a jackal. The howls woke the village, and a score of
+terrified souls, myself among them, convinced that "it was come at
+last," looked out of their windows--only to find that a lovely morning
+was breaking over the hills. Fine weather returned soon after; and I am
+sorry to say that with its coming the moral reformation which had begun
+so hopefully in Tom and Charley, and spread to several less hardened
+sinners in our village, was terminated at a stroke.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It must have been some four or five days before the change came in the
+weather that I took advantage of a bright interval in the evening to
+walk across the summit of the hill which shades my house from the
+setting sun. I pushed on into the upland until the dusk had fallen, and
+found myself at last in a deserted quarry--a long familiar spot, where
+in old days I used to meet Snarley Bob. There I sat down on the very
+heap of stones on which he sat as he talked to me of the stars. In due
+time the stars came out, and I wondered in which of them the great
+spirit of my old friend had found its abode. I imagined it was Capella;
+why I know not, unless it be that Capella was the star to which
+Snarley's finger often pointed when he lifted up his voice about the
+things on high. This has nothing to do with my story, and I mention it
+here only because I find myself wondering at this moment how spirits so
+diverse as those of Snarley Bob and Tom Mellon could have breathed the
+same atmosphere and drawn their sustenance from the same environment.
+
+I lingered in the quarry pondering my memories until the great
+rain-clouds, creeping up from different points of the horizon, had met
+in the zenith and every star had disappeared. A sullen rain began to
+fall, and black darkness was over the hill.
+
+I turned homewards, reflecting that it might not be easy to find my way
+by the sheep-tracks on so dark a night. I remembered that on the summit
+of the hill, some two miles from where I was, there stood an isolated
+barn surrounded by sheds for the shelter of cattle. From this point the
+way down into the village could hardly be missed, and thither
+accordingly I turned my steps. With some difficulty I found the barn;
+for the ways were wet and in some places impassable, and the night, as I
+have said, was very dark.
+
+On nearing the barn I was astonished to notice a gleam of light issuing
+from the half-closed door. I approached, and as I did so I was yet more
+astonished, and a little scared, to hear the loud and lamentable tones
+of a human voice. I listened, and at once recognised the voice as
+Jeremy's, though I could not hear what he was saying nor explain to
+myself the preternatural solemnity of the tone. It was not a cry of
+pain, nor that of a man in need of human help. I drew yet nearer, and it
+became plain to me that Jeremy was praying.
+
+Curiosity tempting me on, I crept up to the barn and looked in through
+the partly opened door. This is what I saw. Kneeling on the floor
+towards the further side of the barn, with a lighted stable-lantern
+suspended over his head, was Jeremy. His back was towards me, but I
+could see that he had a book in his hand. A glance was sufficient to
+show me that I was looking at a man in wrestle with his God. I knew the
+signs of Jeremy's earnestness; and they were there--intense,
+unmistakable. Never have I witnessed a more solemn spectacle, and, had
+not something held me spell-bound to the spot, I should have retreated
+in very shame of my intrusion.
+
+At the moment when I first caught sight of his figure Jeremy was silent.
+His head was bowed on his chest, his feet were drawn close together,
+and his right hand, holding the book--which I saw was the Book of Common
+Prayer--drooped on the ground. I noted the head of a steel rat-trap
+protruding from the big side-pocket of his coat. I also remember how the
+bright nails of his boots, of which the soles were turned towards me,
+glittered in the light of the lantern.
+
+Presently Jeremy raised the book, turned over the leaves--for he had
+lost the place--slightly readjusted his position, and in a deep and
+solemn voice again began to pray. And this was his prayer:
+
+     "O Almighty Lord God, who for the sin of man didst once drown
+     all the world, except eight persons, and afterward of thy great
+     mercy didst promise never to destroy it so again: we humbly
+     beseech thee, that although we for our iniquities have worthily
+     deserved a plague of rain and waters, yet upon our true
+     repentance thou wilt send us such weather, as that we may
+     receive the fruits of the earth in due season; and learn both
+     by thy punishment to amend our lives, and for thy clemency to
+     give thee praise and glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord.
+     _Amen._"
+
+It was enough. Quickly and silently as I could I slipped away into the
+darkness, filled with a sense of the sacrilege of my intrusion and the
+solemnity of the hour. I have listened in my time to many prayers of
+many men; I have heard the Almighty flattered, complimented, instructed
+in the metaphysics of his own nature, and insulted by the grovelling and
+insincere self-depreciation of his own creatures; I have heard him
+talked at, and talked about, by cowardly men-pleasers who had no more
+religion than a rhinoceros; and I have wondered much at the patience of
+heaven with all this detestable eloquence. I have heard also the short
+and stumbling prayers of the honest, of the Salvationist kneeling in the
+thoroughfare of a town full of sin, of the mother with her arms round
+the neck of a dying child; but none even of these have dealt so shrewd a
+thrust at my self-satisfaction as did the prayer of Farmer Jeremy. What
+strange secrets, I thought, are hidden in the human heart! Verily, the
+ways of man, like the ways of God, are past finding out.
+
+Now, it so happened that I had given Jeremy a promise that I would, that
+very night, join him at supper and "have a chat." I would gladly have
+found an excuse if I could. But it was not easy to excuse oneself to
+Jeremy; his discernments were keen. Moreover, I half feared that he
+might have discovered my footsteps outside the barn; and I knew that if
+he had, the only wise course was to face the situation, tell the truth,
+and have it out. It was soon evident, however, that he had discovered
+nothing; and I, of course, kept my counsel.
+
+I entered the farm kitchen and found Mrs Jeremy awaiting her husband by
+the fire. "Master's late in coming home," she said. "He's gone up the
+hill with a lantern, to set traps in the Grey Barn. He says it's full o'
+rats. But he ought to have come back half an hour ago."
+
+"He'll be back soon," I answered; and a moment later I heard the ring of
+his boots on the stone flags outside.
+
+Entering the room, Jeremy, without greeting me, walked across the floor
+and tapped the barometer on the wall. "It's rising," he said. "I thought
+it would by the look of the moon last night. Well, given a bit o' fine
+weather now, we shall not do so badly after all. The wheat's less
+sprouted than I thought it was; just a little down in 'the Guns,' but
+none at all in 'Quebec.' Please God, we shall get forty-five to the
+acre, up there; and all in tip-top condition."
+
+"How are the root-crops?" I asked.
+
+"Looking splendid; couldn't be better. You see, they're all on the high
+ground."
+
+"Did you set your traps?" said Mrs Jeremy.
+
+"I did. But there's too many rats for trappin' to do much good. We must
+try this 'ere new poison. That'll cook their gooses for 'em, according
+to what I hear."
+
+After supper the conversation turned once more on the weather. "It's
+bound to mend," said Jeremy; "there's a rising glass, and the wind's
+gone round to the north-west since I went up the hill. Just look out o'
+this winder at them clouds drifting across the sky. And they're a lot
+higher up than they were this afternoon. And I tell you these 'ere
+prayers as we've been puttin' up in church are bound to do _some_ good,
+though they mayn't do _all_ the good as we want. I've noticed it again
+and again, both wet seasons and droughty."
+
+"The prayer of a righteous man availeth much," said Mrs Jeremy, who,
+notwithstanding her mental wanderings during the Athanasian Creed, was a
+pious soul.
+
+I was sorry the conversation had taken this turn, being disinclined to
+discuss the subject just then. But Jeremy was only too ready to take the
+cue.
+
+"Yes," he said; "and the prayer of a sinner is sometimes _almost_ as
+good as the prayer of a righteous man; though, mind you, I don't say
+it's _quite_ as good. I'm a bit of a sinner myself; but I've had lots of
+answers to prayer in my life. _Lots_, I tell you. You see, it's this
+way. My belief is, that you've no business to want a thing unless you're
+ready to pray for it. Of course, you can't always tell what you ought to
+want and what you oughtn't--that's the difficulty. But my plan is to
+pray for everything as I wants and then leave the Lord to sort out the
+bad from the good. There's a Collect in church as puts it in that way.
+Mind you, I wouldn't pray for anything as I _knowed_ were bad. There'd
+be no sense in that. And as for fine weather, all points to that being
+_good_, and your prayer stands a fair chance of being answered. Of
+course, it may be bad for reasons we don't know about; though I don't
+think it is _myself_. So it's right to pray for it. Pray for everything
+you want--that's what I says; and leave the rest to the Lord."
+
+Jeremy would no doubt have said much more, for he was a great talker
+when started on his favourite themes, and this was one of them. But we
+were interrupted by a cry from Mrs Jeremy at the other side of the
+table. It was simply, "Oh dear!"
+
+Looking up, I saw that she was leaning forward with her face buried in
+her hands, sobbing violently.
+
+"Darn my gaiters!" said Jeremy, "I'm nought but a fool. I oughtn't to
+ha' talked about them things before my missus. I never do; but
+something's made me forget myself to-night. You see, it's reminded her
+of our trouble."
+
+I did not understand this last remark. But I asked no question, being
+too much occupied in watching the infinite tenderness of the good man as
+he sought to comfort his wife. I draw a veil over that. "Now go to bed,
+there's a good girl, and think no more about it," was the end of what he
+had to say.
+
+Mrs Jeremy retired, the tears standing in her eyes. She shook hands with
+me, but didn't speak.
+
+Jeremy resumed his seat, lit his pipe, and began to explain. His voice
+trembled and almost broke down with the first sentence.
+
+"You see," he said, waving his hand towards the fire, "it's a childless
+hearth.... It hasn't always been. There was one, once--fifteen years
+ago. He was six years of age--as bright a little nipper as ever you see.
+Oh yes, he said his prayers: said one too many, that he did.... O my
+God!... Well, it was this way. It was one Christmas Eve, and a young
+lady as we had for his governess had been telling the little nipper all
+about Father Christmas--I don't blame _her_; she's never got over it any
+more than we have, and never will--... all about Father Christmas, as I
+was saying; and he drinks it all in with his wide little eyes, as though
+it was Gospel truth. 'I'll tell Father Christmas to bring me something
+real nice,' he says. So just before they put him to bed that night he
+goes to that open fireplace, where you're sitting now, and pops his head
+up the chimney, and calls out, 'Father Christmas, please bring me
+to-night a magic lantern, a pair of roller skates, four wax candles, and
+a box o' them chocolates with the little nuts inside 'em, for Jesus
+Christ sake, Amen.' Then he goes away from the fire, and I says, 'All
+right, nipper, I'll bring 'em,' from behind that door, in a voice to
+make him believe as Father Christmas was answering. Well, he starts to
+go to bed; but just as he reached them stairs in the passage he runs
+back, and pops his little head up the chimney again. 'Father Christmas,'
+he says, 'don't forget the little nuts in the chocolates. I don't want
+none o' them pink 'uns.' And, O my God! he'd hardly spoken the words
+when more than half a hundredweight of blazing soot comes slathering
+down the chimney and falls right on the top of him just where he stood.
+I tell you there never was a thing seen like it since this world began!
+The room was filled with black smoke in a second; we were all blinded;
+we could neither breathe nor see. We couldn't see him, we couldn't find
+him; and we all stumbled up against one another; and the missus fell
+insensible on the floor. And him screaming with pain all the time--and I
+tell you I couldn't find him, though I rushed like a madman all over the
+room and groped everywhere, and put my hands into the very fire! Then I
+went too--dropped like a stone. It was all over in a minute. They pulled
+the rest of us out in the nick of time: but the poor little nipper was
+burned to death...."
+
+Farmer Jeremy rose from his seat and went to the window. He was shaking
+all over; but I averted my glance, for it is a terrible thing to see a
+strong man in the agony of his soul, and the eyes cannot bear it long.
+"The clouds are breaking," he said; "and, please God, I'll cut 'the
+Slaughters' to-morrow. But there's one harvest as will never be reaped:
+and there's one cloud that will never break. Not till the Resurrection
+Morn. Ah me!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the lovely afternoon of an autumn Sunday, about a fortnight after
+these things, I met Jeremy in the fields, walking the round with his
+terrier dog.
+
+"Grand weather for farmers," I cried.
+
+"Grand it is, sir," he answered, "and let us be thankful for it."
+
+"Yes," I said; "it has been long enough in coming, and is all the more
+welcome now it has come."
+
+I felt that the words struck the wrong note; or rather they struck none
+at all, where a note of music was needed. But I knew not what else to
+say. Jeremy with all his reserve was less timid and more affluent than
+I.
+
+"Have you never thought, sir," he said, drawing near to me, "what
+brought the fine weather?"
+
+I hesitated and was silent.
+
+"Then I'll tell you," said he. "_The power o' prayer._"
+
+That very day I had been reading a book on Primitive Religion; and as I
+parted from Jeremy a question flashed through my mind. "May it not be,"
+I asked myself, "that Primitive Religion is the only religion that has
+ever existed, or will exist, in the world?"
+
+
+
+
+WHITE ROSES
+
+
+Of all the conversations of the learned, those in which History and
+Philosophy maintain the dialogue are probably the most instructive. Such
+a conversation I was fortunate enough to hear not long ago at the
+dinner-table of a friend; and the occasion was the more interesting
+inasmuch as the Philosopher of the party was led by a turn of the
+argument to lay aside his mantle and assume the role of the
+story-teller; thereby providing us with a valuable comment on the very
+philosophy with which his own illustrious name has been long associated.
+
+We had been talking during dinner about a certain Expedition to the
+South Seas undertaken by the British Government in the eighteenth
+century; and the Historian had just finished a most surprising
+narration of the facts, based on his recent investigation of unpublished
+documents, when our Hostess glanced at the clock, and rising from her
+chair gave the signal to the ladies to depart.
+
+When we had resumed our places the Professor of Philosophy said to the
+Historian:
+
+"I wish you would tell us what in your opinion it was that caused the
+Expedition to turn out such an utter failure."
+
+"The Expedition failed," said the Historian, "because the commander was
+not allowed to select his own crews. The Government of the day was
+corrupt, and insisted on manning the ships with men of its own choosing.
+Some were diseased; others were criminals; many had never handled a rope
+in their lives. Before the fleet had doubled Cape Horn one-third of the
+crews had perished, and the rest were mutinous. The enterprise was
+doomed to failure from the start."
+
+"The whole planet is manned in the same manner," said the Pessimist, as
+he helped himself to one of our Host's superlative cigars. "I'm sorry
+for the Commander, whoever he is."
+
+"What precisely do you mean?" said the Professor of Philosophy, holding
+a lighted match to the end of the Pessimist's cigar.
+
+"I mean," said the Pessimist, "that the prospects of the Human
+Expedition can't be very bright so long as Society has to put up with
+anybody and everybody who happens to be born. I suppose there _is_ a
+Human Expedition," he went on. "At least, _you_ have written as though
+there were. But who selects the crew? Nobody. They come aboard as they
+happen to be born, and the unfortunate Commander has to put up with them
+as they come--broken men, jail-deliveries, invalids, sea-sick
+land-lubbers, and Heaven knows what. Who in his senses would put to sea
+with such a crowd? Humanity is always in a state like that of your
+Expedition when it doubled Cape Horn--incompetent, mutinous, or sick
+unto death. And what else can you expect in view of the conditions under
+which we all arrive on the planet?"
+
+The Host now glanced uneasily at the Professor of Philosophy, whose
+treatise on _The World Purpose_ was famous throughout three continents.
+The Professor was visibly arming himself for the fray: he had just
+filled his claret-glass with port.
+
+"Remember," said the Host, "that we must join the ladies in twenty
+minutes at the utmost."
+
+"I'm not going to argue," replied the Philosopher, after a resolute sip
+at his port; "I'm going to tell you a story."
+
+"Tell it in the drawing-room," said the Son of the House, who had taken
+his pretty cousin down to dinner, and was a little exhilarated by that
+and by the excellence of his father's wine; "that is to say,"--and he
+spoke eagerly, as if a bright idea had struck him,--"that is to say, of
+course, if it will bear telling in the presence of ladies."
+
+There was a roar of laughter, and the Son of the House blushed to the
+roots of his hair.
+
+"I am inclined to think," said the Professor, "that my story, so far
+from being unsuitable for the ladies, will be intelligible to no one
+else."
+
+"We'll join the ladies at once," said the Host, "and hear the
+Professor's story."
+
+The Pessimist, who was fond of talking, now broke in. "That," he said,
+"is most attractive, but not quite fair to me. I should like to finish
+what I have begun. And I doubt if my views will be quite in place in the
+drawing-room. Besides, the Professor must finish his port. I was only
+going to say," he went on, "that the having to put up with all that
+comes in human shape is a very serious affair. It seems to me that we
+all arrive in the world like dumped goods. Nobody has 'ordered' us, and
+perhaps nobody wants us. Our parents wanted us, did you say? Well, I
+suppose our parents wanted children; but it doesn't follow that they
+wanted _you_ or _me_. Somebody else might have filled the book as well,
+or better. Our birth is a matter of absolute chance. For example, my
+father has often told me how he met my mother. There was a picnic on a
+Swiss lake. My father's watch was slow, and when he arrived at the quay
+the boat that carried his party was out of sight. It so happened that
+there was another party--people my father didn't know--going to another
+island, and seeing him disconsolate on the quay they took pity on him
+and made him go with them. It was in that boat that he first met my
+mother. The moral is obvious. If my father's watch had kept better time
+I should never have been in existence. ["A jolly good thing, too,"
+whispered the Son of the House.] Neither would my six brothers, nor any
+of our descendants to the _n_th generation. Well, that's how the whole
+planet gets itself _manned_. That's how the crew is 'chosen.' And that's
+why the Expedition gets into trouble on rounding Cape Horn."
+
+"It's a capital introduction to my story," said the Professor, in whom,
+after his second claret-glass of port, _The World Purpose_ had assumed a
+new intensity. "I wish the ladies could have heard it."
+
+"I venture to think," said our Host, "that the ladies will understand
+the story all the better for not having heard the introduction. You see,
+I am assuming that the story is a good one--which is as much as to say
+that no introduction is needed."
+
+"Thank you," said the Professor.
+
+"I say," broke in the Son of the House, "I say, Professor, it's a pity
+you didn't take that question up in _The World Purpose_. That's an
+awfully good point of the Pessimist's, and a jolly difficult one to
+answer, too. I should like to see you tackle it. Why, I once heard the
+Pater here say to the Mater----"
+
+"We'll go upstairs," said our Host.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"About ten years ago," the Professor began, "I was travelling one night
+in a third-class carriage to a town on the North-east Coast. My two
+companions in the compartment were evidently mother and daughter. The
+mother had a singularly beautiful and intelligent face; and the
+daughter, who was about twelve years old, resembled her. They were
+dressed in good taste, without rings or finery, and, so far as I am
+able to judge such things, without expense.
+
+"Prior to the departure of the train from the London terminus, I had
+noticed the two walking up and down the platform and looking into the
+carriages, apparently endeavouring to find a compartment to themselves.
+They did not succeed, and finally entered the compartment where I was.
+Whether I ought to have been flattered by this, or the reverse, I knew
+not.
+
+"I could see they wanted to be alone, and I felt a brief impulse to
+leave them to themselves and go elsewhere. It would have been a
+chivalrous act; but whether from indolence, or curiosity, or some other
+feeling, I let the impulse die, and remained where I was.
+
+"The girl began immediately to arrange cushions for her mother in the
+corner of the carriage; and from the solicitude she showed, I gathered
+that the mother, though to all appearance in health, was either ill or
+convalescent. By the time I had come to this conclusion the train was
+already in motion, or I verily believe I should have obeyed my first
+impulse and left the carriage. I am glad, however, that I did not.
+
+"When all had been arranged I noticed that the two had settled
+themselves in the attitude of lovers, their hands clasped, the girl
+resting her head on the mother's shoulder and gazing into her face from
+time to time with a look of infinite tenderness. And it was some relief
+to me to observe that, lover-like, they seemed indifferent to my
+presence.
+
+"I was reading a book, though I confess that my eyes and mind would
+constantly wander to the other side of the carriage. I am not a
+sentimental person, and scenes of sentiment are particularly
+objectionable to my temper of mind; but for once in my life I was
+overawed by the consciousness that I was in the presence of deep and
+genuine emotion. Finally, I gave up the effort to read; a strange mental
+atmosphere seemed to surround me; I fell into a reverie, and I remember
+waking suddenly from a kind of dream, or incoherent meditation on the
+pathos and tragedy of human life.
+
+"I looked at my companions and I saw that both were weeping. The girl
+was in the same position as before. The mother had turned her face away,
+and was looking out into the blackness of the night. Tear after tear
+rolled down her cheek.
+
+"They must have become conscious that I was observing them, though God
+knows I had little will to do so. I took up my book and pretended to
+read; and I knew that an effort was being made, that tears were being
+checked, that some climbing sorrow was being held down. Presently the
+lady said, speaking in a steady voice--
+
+"'Do you know the name of the station we have just passed?'
+
+"I told her the name of the station; asked if I should raise the window;
+spoke to the girl; offered an illustrated paper, and so on through the
+usual preliminaries of a traveller's talk. The answers I received were
+such as one expects from people of charming manners. But nothing
+followed, for a time, and I again took up my book.
+
+"The book I was reading, or pretending to read, was a volume of the
+Ingersoll Lectures, bearing on the back the title _Human Immortality_.
+Once or twice I noticed the eyes of the woman resting on this, but I was
+greatly surprised when, in one of the pauses when I laid down the book,
+she said--
+
+"'Would you mind my asking you a question?'
+
+"'Certainly not.'
+
+"'Do you believe in the Immortality of the Soul?'
+
+"As a teacher of philosophy I am accustomed to leading questions at all
+sorts of inopportune moments, but never in my life was I so completely
+taken aback. However, I collected my thoughts as best I could, and,
+though the subject is one on which I never like to speak without
+prolonged preparation, I briefly told her my opinions on that great
+problem, as you may find them expressed in my published works. Possibly
+I spoke with some fervour; the more likely, because I spoke without
+preparation. She listened with great attention; and as for the young
+girl, her face was lit up with a look of intelligent eagerness which,
+had I seen it for one moment in my own class-room, would have rewarded
+me for the labour of a long course of lectures.
+
+"I had still much to say when the train drew up at the platform of St
+Beeds.
+
+"'I'm sorry not to hear more,' said the lady, 'but this is our
+destination.'
+
+"'And there's Dad!' cried the girl.
+
+"A man in working clothes stood at the carriage-door.
+
+"'Good-bye,' said the woman, warmly shaking me by the hand; 'you have
+been most kind to me.'
+
+"'Good-bye,' said the daughter; 'you're a dear old dear!'
+
+"And with that she threw her arms round my neck and kissed me fervently
+three or four times. I was greatly surprised, but not altogether
+displeased.
+
+"They were evidently a most affectionate family. As the train moved off
+the three stood arm in arm before the carriage-door.
+
+"'Got two sweethearts to-night, sir,' said the man.
+
+"'And without jealousy,' said I. 'I congratulate you on each of them.'
+
+"'I hope you'll forgive my daughter,' he said; 'she's an impulsive
+little baggage.'
+
+"'She may repeat the offence the next time we meet,' I replied; and we
+all laughed.
+
+"It was a joyful ending to what had been, in some respects, a painful
+experience."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I don't see the point of your story, Professor; and I am at a loss to
+imagine what it has to do with my introduction." This from the
+Pessimist.
+
+"The story has only begun," said the Professor, who was sipping his tea.
+
+"Those kisses at the end were jolly hard lines on a man who dislikes
+sentiment," said the Son of the House.
+
+"I didn't find them so," answered the Professor. "But remember, they
+were only the kisses of a child."
+
+"The best sort," growled the Pessimist.
+
+"True," said our Hostess. "The judgments of children are the judgments
+of God. But let the Professor go on."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"It was seven or eight months later," the Professor resumed, "when on
+opening the _Times_ one morning my attention was caught by an item of
+news relating to the town at which my two companions had alighted from
+the train. The news itself was of no importance, but the name of the
+town printed at the head of the paragraph strangely arrested me, and
+served to recall with singular vividness the incident of my former
+journey. I found myself repeating, in order and minute detail,
+everything that had happened in the carriage, some of the particulars of
+which I had forgotten till that moment. The end of it was that I became
+possessed with a strong desire to visit St Beeds, though I had no
+connections whatever with the place, and had never stayed there in my
+life. I knew, of course, that it was an interesting old town, with a
+famous Cathedral, and I remember persuading myself at the time, and
+indeed telling my wife, that I ought to visit that Cathedral without
+further delay. As the day wore on the impulse grew stronger, and
+eventually overpowered me. I travelled down to St Beeds that night, and
+put up at one of the principal hotels.
+
+"The next morning was spent in the usual manner of sight-seers in an
+ancient town. Reserving the Cathedral for the afternoon, I visited the
+old wall and the dismantled quays, and wandered among the narrow
+streets, reading history, as my habit is, from the monuments with which
+the place abounded. About noon I found my way to the spacious
+market-place, and began inspecting the beautiful front of the old Town
+Hall.
+
+"I suddenly became aware of a man on the opposite pavement, who was
+watching me with some interest. What drew my attention to him was a
+large mass of white roses which he was carrying in a basket; for, as you
+know, I have been for many years an enthusiastic rose-grower, and there
+is nothing which attracts the mind so rapidly as any circumstance
+connected with one's hobby. The man was dressed in good clothes; and it
+was this that prevented me at first from recognising him as the person
+who had met my two companions at the station seven months before.
+
+"Seeing that I had observed him, he crossed the street.
+
+"'You remember me?' he said. 'Well, I have been looking for you all over
+the town. Had I known your name I should have asked at the hotels.'
+
+"'But how did you know I had arrived?' I asked.
+
+"'My wife told me you were here.'
+
+"'She must have seen me, then,' I said.
+
+"'Yes, she saw you. She saw you arrive last night at the station. And
+she saw you later, standing under an electric lamp, in front of the
+Cathedral.'
+
+"This struck me as odd, for I had purposely waited till near midnight
+before going to the Cathedral, that I might see the exterior in the
+light of the moon; and I had been confident that not a soul was about.
+
+"'How is she?' I asked, for I remembered my previous impression that she
+was an invalid.
+
+"'Oh, much better,' he answered; 'in fact, quite restored. It's a great
+comfort.'
+
+"'It was very kind of her to send you to look for me,' I said. 'Perhaps
+I shall have the pleasure of seeing her later on in the day--and your
+daughter as well. You remember I congratulated you on your two
+sweethearts?'
+
+"'Yes,' he answered, 'and you were not far wrong in that. But wouldn't
+you like to take a turn round the old town first? It's a wonderful place
+and full of interest. And I know it through and through.'
+
+"I was greatly puzzled by his manner. His speech and address were
+certainly remarkable for a working man; and I confess that for a moment
+the thought crossed my mind that he was some sort of impostor, and that
+I should be well advised to have nothing to do with him. I suppose it
+was his basket of roses that reassured me.
+
+"'Well,' I said, 'I've seen a good deal already. But I've no objection
+to seeing it all again. I'll put myself in your hands.'
+
+"'Splendid!' he cried. 'It's an ideal day, and I'm hungering for
+sunlight and beauty, and thirsting for the peace of ancient memories.
+And it will please my wife to know that I've taken you round. What do
+you say to going up the river first? There's a glorious reach beyond the
+bridge. And the sun's in the right position to give you the best view of
+the Cathedral.'
+
+"'Nothing would please me better,' said I; and we set off at once toward
+the river.
+
+"On passing a certain building he bade me carefully examine the roof,
+the form of which was remarkable. While I was engaged in so doing,
+unconscious for a moment of his presence, I suddenly seemed to hear him
+groan behind me; and turning round I saw that he was holding tight to
+the iron railings on the other side of the foot-walk, and swaying his
+body backward and forward, as though he were in pain.
+
+"'Are you ill?' I asked, in some alarm.
+
+"'Not at all. This is just my way of resting when I'm tired. Come
+along.'
+
+"'That's a splendid lot of roses in your basket,' I said, as we took our
+places in the boat, he sculling and I steering. 'Frau Carl Druschki,
+unless I'm much mistaken.'
+
+"'Yes. I grew them on my allotment. I'm taking them home to my wife.'
+
+"For some time we talked roses. He had a theory of pruning, which
+differed from mine, and led to a good deal of argument. Finally, he
+dropped his sculls, and, taking a piece of paper from his pocket, drew
+on it the diagram of a rose-bush pruned according to his method. We had
+forgotten the Cathedral.
+
+"I took his drawing and began to criticise. 'Oh!' he said, 'let's drop
+it. We're missing one of the noblest sights in England. Look at that!'
+And he pointed to the heights.
+
+"As we dropped down the river half an hour later, my companion, who had
+been silent for some time, again broke out on the subject of roses.
+'Rose-growing is a thing that takes time and patience and thought,' he
+said. 'More perhaps than it's worth. If it were not for my wife, I
+should give it up. She's desperately fond of roses.'
+
+"'That's the best of reasons for not giving it up,' I answered. 'I
+happen to be a great admirer of your wife.'
+
+"'That's another link between us,' said he. 'She's the best wife man
+ever had. She's worthy of all the admiration you can give her.'
+
+"She's worthy of all the roses you can grow for her,' I said.
+
+"'By God, she is!' he answered with an emphasis that startled me.
+
+"We grew confidential, and a story followed. He told me that he was the
+illegitimate son of a baronet; that his father had made him an allowance
+to study art in London; that he had married his model, in opposition to
+the wishes of his father; that the baronet had thereupon thrown him
+over for good and all; that he had failed to make a living by his
+original art; that he had got an engagement with a great
+furnishing-house as a skilled painter; that he was earning four pounds a
+week in doing artistic work in rich men's houses and elsewhere; that he
+was now engaged in restoring some fifteenth-century frescoes in a parish
+church. His wife earned money too, though he did not tell me how, and
+his daughter was being trained as a singer. 'We're all more or less in
+art,' he said, 'and we are a very happy family.'
+
+"By this time we were back at the landing-place, and as the man stepped
+ashore he said: 'It's about time I took these roses to my wife. We'll
+just walk along to where I live, and I'll show you the rest of the
+sights afterwards. I'll take you to the Cathedral when the afternoon
+service is over.'
+
+"As we walked through the streets the man kept up an incessant stream of
+talk, pointing to this and that, and discoursing with great eagerness on
+the history and antiquities of the town. It struck me as strange that
+he never waited for any answer but passed from one thing to another
+without a pause. Presently we stopped in front of a small house, one of
+a row of villas.
+
+"'This is where I live,' he said, and stopped on the doorstep.
+
+"'Good!' I cried; 'and now you will take me in and reintroduce me to
+your charming wife.'
+
+"'I'm sorry,' he answered, 'but the thing's quite impossible.'
+
+"I was so startled by this unexpected answer that, without thinking, I
+blurted out the question, 'Why?'
+
+"'_Because_,' he said, '_she's in her coffin. She died at four o'clock
+this morning._'
+
+"At the words he sank down on his doorstep, put the basket of roses on
+his knees and bowed himself over them in a passion of tears.
+
+"The door opened, and the young girl, who had been with me in the train,
+ran down the steps. Sitting down beside her father she put her arms
+round his neck and said, 'Daddy, Daddy, don't cry!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Professor ceased and there was a long pause.
+
+"Did you discover," said the Pessimist at length, "why the two were
+weeping in the train?"
+
+"No need to ask that," said our Hostess. "The woman had received
+sentence of death."
+
+"Did you ever follow it up?" said the Historian. "What, for example,
+became of the young girl?"
+
+"_She was married to my eldest son last month_," said the Professor.
+
+"I knew the Pessimist's introduction would not be needed," said our
+Host.
+
+"Nevertheless, it was the introduction that reminded me of the story,"
+said the Professor. "And now," he continued, "can anyone here explain to
+me the strange conduct of the man with the white roses? For I confess
+that I can find no place for it in any system of Psychology known to
+me."
+
+At this question the Son of the House, who for some reason had become
+the gravest member of the party, looked up and seemed about to speak.
+But as he raised his eyes they met the bright glance of his pretty
+cousin, on whose cheek there was a tear. And when the Son of the House
+saw that, the impulse to speech died within him.
+
+No one else ventured an explanation. But my impression was that there
+were two persons in the room to whom the strange conduct of the man with
+the white roses presented no enigma.
+
+
+
+
+_By the Same Author_
+
+
+AMONG THE IDOLMAKERS
+
+"A MAN OF KENT" in _The British Weekly_. "Mr Jacks has written a book
+which, for sheer ability, for rightmindedness, and for driving force,
+will compare favourably with any book of the season.... This is a book
+which strongly makes for cleanness, for sanity, for Christianity."
+
+
+MAD SHEPHERDS: And Other Human Studies
+
+_With a Frontispiece Drawing by MR LESLIE BROOKE_
+
+"A series of highly original studies of some human types portrayed with
+a wealth of irony and humour. The character Snarley Bob, the old
+shepherd, is destined to take its place among the unforgettable figures
+of literature."--_Outlook._
+
+
+THE ALCHEMY OF THOUGHT
+
+Professor J. H. MUIRHEAD in _The Christian Commonwealth_ says: "It is a
+significant book ... eloquent, imaginative, humorous. Philosophy here
+forsakes its usual 'grey in grey.'"
+
+From _The Westminster Review_: "The book is one which no philosophical
+student of to-day can safely do without."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of All Men are Ghosts, by L. P. Jacks
+
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