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diff --git a/36517-h/36517-h.htm b/36517-h/36517-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a5ecac3 --- /dev/null +++ b/36517-h/36517-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,14981 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<!-- $Id: header.txt 236 2009-12-07 18:57:00Z vlsimpson $ --> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of AMUSING PROSE CHAP-BOOKS, by ROBERT HAYS CUNNINGHAM. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; +} + +p.indent { + display: block; + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; + padding-left: 2em; + text-indent: -2em; +} +p.break { margin-top: 6em; } + + +.xl { + font-size: 200%; + letter-spacing: 4px; +} + +.sm { + font-size: small; + letter-spacing: 2px; +} + +.smc { + font-variant: small-caps; + font-size: small; + letter-spacing: 2px; +} +.lg { + font-size: 150%; + letter-spacing: 3px; +} + + +hr { + width:45%; /* adjust to ape original work */ + margin-top: 1em; /* space above and below */ + margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-left: auto; /* these two ensure a.. */ + margin-right: auto; /* ..centered rule */ + clear: both; /* don't let sidebars and floats overlap rule */ +} +hr.major { width:65%; margin-top:2em; margin-bottom: 2em;} +hr.minor { width:30%; margin-top:0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em;} +/* get a double rule by putting borders on a blank rule! */ +hr.double { + /* width and margins inherited from default rule */ + padding: 4px 0 0 0; /* pad value creates inter-border space */ + border-top: 1px solid black; + border-bottom: 1px solid black; + border-left: none; border-right:none; +} + +table { + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; +} + +.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; +} /* page numbers */ + +.linenum { + position: absolute; + top: auto; + left: 4%; +} /* poetry number */ + +.blockquot { + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + + + +.bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + +.bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + +.bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + +.br {border-right: solid 2px;} + +.bbox {border: solid 2px;} + +.center {text-align: center;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + +.u {text-decoration: underline;} + +.caption {font-weight: bold;} + + +/* Poetry */ +.poem { + margin-left:10%; + /* margin-right:10%;*/ + /* text-align: left;*/ +} + +.poem br {display: none;} + +.poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + +.poem span.i0 { + display: block; + margin-left: 0em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.poem span.i2 { + display: block; + margin-left: 2em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + +.poem span.i4 { + display: block; + margin-left: 4em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} +.poem span.i5 { + display: block; + margin-left: 5em; + padding-left: 3em; + text-indent: -3em; +} + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Amusing Prose Chap Books, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Amusing Prose Chap Books + +Author: Various + +Editor: R. H. Cunningham + +Release Date: June 25, 2011 [EBook #36517] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMUSING PROSE CHAP BOOKS *** + + + + +Produced by Feòrag NicBhrìde, Ron Stephens, David Garcia +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images +generously made available by The Internet Archive/American +Libraries.) + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + +<h1>AMUSING</h1> + +<h1>PROSE CHAP-BOOKS</h1> + +<h4><i>Chiefly of Last Century</i></h4> + +<h5><span class="smcap">Edited by</span></h5> +<h3>ROBERT HAYS CUNNINGHAM</h3> + +<h4>LONDON: HAMILTON, ADAMS, & CO<br /> +GLASGOW: THOMAS D. MORISON<br /> +1889</h4> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p> + + + +<p class="break"></p> +<h2>EDITORIAL NOTE.</h2> + + +<p>Of late years there has been a largely increasing interest on +the subject of folklore in its various departments. In such +respects there has been a very considerable change in the +feelings and tastes of the educated middle-class population +of this country, from what there was several generations ago. +Formerly the educated classes appeared to think that anything +relating to the tastes or ideas of the common people was +of very little interest. And in the course of some two +hundred years back, leaving out the present time, the number +of writers who thought it worth their while to deal with +such topics were not much more than a dozen in number, +including such men as Aubrey, Bourne, Brand, Hone, +Strut, Halliwell, etc. Now, all that is changed, and it has +been discovered that much of extreme interest can be +learned from the superstitions, habits, beliefs, tastes, customs, +ideas, amusements, and general social life of the uneducated +or lower classes of previous times.</p> + +<p>Not the least interesting or least important of the +many sources from which information on these and similar +matters, can be obtained, is that of the <i>people's</i> earliest +popular literature—namely, the chap-book. Beginning at +little after the commencement of the eighteenth century, +and continuing for over a hundred years afterwards, right +up to the general introduction and use of cheap magazines +and cheap newspapers, the chap-book was almost the only +kind of reading within the reach of the poorer portion of +the nation.</p> + +<p>What adds greatly both to the interest attaching to the +chap-book literature and to its importance, is the fact, that +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span>these literary productions, if they may be so termed, were +almost entirely written by the people themselves; that is, +they were written by the people for the people. This fact +intensifies the conviction that they give a true and unvarnished +description of the lower orders and their ways. Then, +as now, every district had its proportion of local geniuses, +who had a gift above their fellows in the matter of storytelling, +or some other such way. And in many instances +these narratives became chap-books, and were printed and +reprinted times without number at the various printing +establishments over the country devoted to business of +that description.</p> + +<p>With regard to this feature in chap-book literature +already referred to—namely, that it was composed by the +people for the people, and thus gives a true portraiture of +many features in their social life—still more may be said. +It being the case that not a few of those who hawked these +cheap volumes over the country were themselves the +authors of some of them, and in the composition of the +chaps, to a considerable extent, just reproduced circumstances, +incidents, and narratives that they had met with in +their wanderings over the country.</p> + +<p>To a very marked degree was this the case in the most +prominent of all the Scottish chap-book writers—namely, +Dougal Graham. See his works, two volumes octavo, collected +and edited by George MacGregor in 1883. It would +appear that at an early period of Graham's peregrinations +he accompanied Prince Charlie's army in 1745-46 throughout +its various fortunes, pursuing his trade as a hawker of +sundry articles that might be in demand by the prince's +retainers. After that event was over, Graham continued the +calling of hawker and chapman, at the same time becoming +the author of a number of chap-books. But after a while he +got a step or two further on; for, finding such an immense +demand for his extremely amusing, though coarse, volumes, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span>he ultimately set up a printing press of his own, for the +purpose of producing his chaps and supplying the chapmen +with them, by whom they were spread broadcast over the +country. The knowledge of such instances as this lends +much additional value to the chap-book, as containing a forcible +description of the social life and ideas of the masses in +former times.</p> + +<p>A slight study of this department of literature will show +that there was, then as now, much variety in the tastes of +the people. And we also find that in this respect the +various tastes could be fairly well met from among the +stores of the chap-book publisher. In these days, just as at +the present time, there had been any amount of enterprise +on the part of authors and publishers in furnishing readers +with whatever their fancy might desire. The <i>Litteratura +Vulgi</i> may be fairly well divided into the following or +similar classifications:—Historical, biographical, religious, +romantic, poetical, humorous, fabulous, supernatural, diabolical, +legendary, superstitious, criminal, jest-books, etc.</p> + +<p>The strictly religious appear to be the fewest in number. +The supernatural and the superstitious elements appear to +have been more in demand, as the supply of such classes +seems to have been greater,—in these days the marvellous +had evidently very great charms. The romantic likewise +had been in great request,—the old romances handed down +from the days long before printing was invented continued up +till last century to be of undiminished interest. Also, from +the number of poetical chaps that have come down to us, it +is evident that the demand for them had been great all over +the country. The most popular of all, however, appears to +have been the humorous section, which again might be subdivided +into a variety of departments, each with numerous +representatives. The love of fun and frolic was apparently +as deeply implanted in the feelings and tastes of previous +generations as of the present.</p> + +<p>Printing establishments devoted to the production of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> +chap-books were pretty well scattered all over the country. +In England the principal places appear to have been London, +York, Birmingham, and Newcastle. In Scotland, the towns +of Glasgow, Stirling, Falkirk, and Montrose appear to have +carried off the palm in that respect. In Ireland there had +been few places besides Dublin and Belfast.</p> + +<p>The immense volume of business done in the production +of the chap-book, and its importance as an article of trade +all over the country, has been a matter of surprise; and the +more one investigates into the facts of the case, the more is +one impressed with the magnitude of the institution. It +appears to have given employment to many thousands of +chapmen and printers' employees. As an instance of the +profits derivable from the business as an article of trade, one +publisher of chap-books, and that not in an especially large +way, is known to have retired with accumulated profits +amounting to £30,000, which in these days would represent +a much larger sum than it does now.</p> + +<p>Notwithstanding the immense quantities of chap-books +circulated broadcast over the country, comparatively early +copies are now extremely rare. And the desire on the part of +the public for their possession is now so great that about sixty +times their original price is readily given—that is, what +originally was sold for one penny, now frequently fetches five +shillings, and sometimes more.</p> + +<p>In the present collection, which is chiefly of last century, +the reader will find considerable variety, containing as it +does interesting specimens of several classes or divisions of +the popular literature, mostly, however, of an amusing and +humorous nature; and from the perusal of the majority of +the chaps herein contained, a good deal of entertainment +may be derived.</p> + +<p>As a companion volume, it is the Editor's intention to +issue shortly a collection of <span class="smcap;lg">Amusing Poetical Chap-Books.</span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p> + + + +<p class="break"></p> + + + + + +<div class="center"> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary=""> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="xl">CONTENTS.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr style="width: 15%;"/><span class="smc">The Comical History of the</span></td><td align="left"><span class="smc">PAGE</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">KING AND THE COBBLER</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Containing the Entertaining and Merry Tricks and Droll Frolics +played by the Cobbler, how he got acquainted with the King, +became a Great Man and lived at Court ever after,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_13">13</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Merry Tales of the</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">WISE MEN OF GOTHAM,</span></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_23">23</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The History of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">THOMAS HICKATHRIFT,</span></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_35">35</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The History of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">JACK THE GIANT-KILLER</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Containing his Birth and Parentage; His Meeting with the +King's Son; His Noble Conquests over many Monstrous +Giants; and his rescuing a Beautiful Lady, whom he afterwards +married,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_53">53</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" />SIMPLE SIMON'S MISFORTUNES</td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="sm">AND HIS</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">WIFE MARGERY'S CRUELTY</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Which began the very next Morning after their Marriage,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_69">69</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Adventures of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">BAMFYLDE MOORE CAREW,</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Who was for more than forty years King of the Beggars,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_78">78</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Comical Sayings of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">PADDY FROM CORK</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">With his Coat Buttoned behind, being an Elegant Conference +between English Tom and Irish Teague; with Paddy's +Catechism, and his Supplication when a Mountain Sailor,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_95">95</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The History of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">DICK WHITTINGTON</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center">AND HIS CAT,</td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_117">117</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Mad Pranks of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">TOM TRAM,</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Son in Law to Mother Winter; to which are added his Merry +Jests and Pleasant Tales,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_127">127</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">A York Dialogue Between</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">NED AND HARRY:</span></td></tr> +<tr><td ><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Or Ned giving Harry an Account of his Courtship and Marriage +State,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_141">141</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" />DANIEL O'ROURKE'S WONDERFUL</td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">VOYAGE TO THE MOON.</span></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_150">150</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="lg">MOTHER BUNCH'S CLOSET</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="sm">NEWLY BROKE OPEN;</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Containing Rare Secrets of Nature and Art, tried and experienced +by Learned Philosophers, and recommended to all ingenious +young men and maids, teaching them, in a natural way, how +to get good wives and husbands. Approved by several that +have made trial of them; it being the product of forty-nine +years' study. By our loving Friend Poor Tom, for the King, +a lover of Mirth but a hater of Treason. In Two Parts,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_159">159</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Comical History of the</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">COURTIER AND TINKER,</span></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_178">178</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The History of the</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">FOUR KINGS</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Of Canterbury, Colchester, Cornwall, and Cumberland, their +Queens and Daughters; being the Merry Tales of Tom +Hodge and his School-Fellows,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_187">187</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" />THE PENNY</td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">BUDGET OF WIT</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center">AND PACKAGE OF DROLLERY,</td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_200">200</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smcap">The Merry Conceits of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">TOM LONG THE CARRIER,</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Being many Pleasant Passages and Mad Pranks which he observed +in his Travels. Full of Honest Mirth and Delight,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_219">219</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Story of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">BLUE BEARD</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Or the Effects of Female Curiosity,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_230">230</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smcap">The Life of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">MANSIE WAUCH</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Tailor in Dalkeith,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_236">236</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Life and Astonishing Adventures of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">Peter Williamson</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Who was carried off when a Child from Aberdeen and sold for a +Slave,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_254">254</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Famous Exploits of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">ROBIN HOOD,</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center">LITTLE JOHN, AND HIS MERRY MEN ALL,</td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Including an Account of his Birth, Education, and Death,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_269">269</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">History of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">DR. FAUSTUS</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Showing his wicked Life and horrid Death, and how he sold himself +to the Devil, to have power for twenty-four years to do +what he pleased, also many strange things done by him with +the assistance of</span></p></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center">MEPHISTOPHELES,</td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm"> With an account how the Devil came for him at the end of +twenty-four years, and tore him to pieces,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_286">286</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Whole Life and Death of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">LONG MEG</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Of Westminster,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_299">299</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Famous History of the Learned</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">FRIAR BACON</span></td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Giving a Particular Account of his Birth, Parentage, with the +many Wonderful Things he did in his Lifetime, to the +amazement of all the World,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_309">309</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The History of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">THE BLIND BEGGAR</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center">OF BETHNAL GREEN,</td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Containing his Birth and Parentage; how he went to the Wars +and Lost his Sight, and turned Beggar at Bethnal Green; +how he got Riches, and educated his Daughter; of her being +Courted by a rich, young Knight; how the Blind Beggar +dropt Gold with the Knight's Uncle; of the Knight and the +Beggar's Daughter being Married; and, lastly, how the +famous Pedigree of the Beggar was discovered, and other +Things worthy of Note,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_324">324</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><hr class="double" /><span class="smc">The Pleasant History of</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center"><span class="lg">POOR ROBIN</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="center">THE MERRY SADDLER OF WALDEN</td></tr> +<tr><td><p class="indent"><span class="sm">Showing the Merry Pranks he played during his Apprenticeship, +and how he Tricked a Rich Miser, etc. Very diverting for +a Winter Evening Fireside,</span></p></td><td align="left"><a href="#Page_337">337</a></td></tr> +</table></div> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p> +<hr class="double" /> +<p class="break"></p> + + +<h1><span class="smcap">Amusing</span></h1> +<h1><span class="smcap">Prose Chap-Books.</span></h1> +<hr class="double" /> +<div class="center">THE</div> +<h2>COMICAL HISTORY</h2> +<h5>OF THE</h5> +<h1>KING AND THE COBBLER</h1> +<h5>CONTAINING</h5> + +<div class="center">The Entertaining and Merry Tricks and Droll Frolics +played by the Cobbler</div> + +<div class="center">How he got acquainted with the King, +became a Great Man and lived at Court ever after.</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How King Henry VIII. used to visit the watches in the city +and how he became acquainted with a +merry, jovial cobbler.</i></div> + + +<p>It was the custom of King Henry the Eighth to walk late in +the night into the city disguised, to observe and take notice +how the constables and watch performed their duty, not only +in guarding the city gates, but also in diligently watching +the inner parts of the city, that so they might, in a great<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> +measure, prevent those disturbances and casualties which +too often happen in great and populous cities in the night; +and this he did oftentimes, without the least discovery who +he was, returning home to Whitehall early in the morning.</p> + +<p>Now, on his return home through the Strand, he took +notice of a certain cobbler who was constantly up at work +whistling and singing every morning. The king was resolved +to see him and be acquainted with him, in order to which he +immediately knocks the heel off his shoe by hitting it against +a stone, and having so done, he bounced at the cobbler's +stall.</p> + +<p>"Who's there?" cries the cobbler.</p> + +<p>"Here's one," cries the king. With that the cobbler +opened the stall door, and the king asked him if he could +put the heel on his shoe.</p> + +<p>"Yes, that I can," says the cobbler; "come in, honest +fellow, and sit thee down by me and I will do it for thee +straight," the cobbler scraping his awls and old shoes to one +side to make room for the king to sit down.</p> + +<p>The king being hardly able to forbear laughing at the +kindness of the cobbler, asked him if there was not a house +hard by that sold a cup of ale and the people up.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the cobbler, "there is an inn over the way, +where I believe the folks are up, for the carriers go from +thence very early in the morning."</p> + +<p>With that the king borrowed an old shoe off the cobbler +and went over to the inn, desired the cobbler would bring +his shoe to him thither as soon as he had put on the heel +again. The cobbler promised he would; so making what +haste he could to put on the heel, he carries it over to the +king, saying, "Honest blade, here is thy shoe again, and I +warrant thee it will not come off in such haste again."</p> + +<p>"Very well," says the king; "what must you have for +your pains?"</p> + +<p>"A couple of pence," replied the cobbler.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Well," said the king, "seeing thou art an honest merry +fellow, there is a tester for thee; come, sit down by me, I +will drink a full pot with thee; come, here's a good health to +the king."</p> + +<p>"With all my heart," said the cobbler, "I'll pledge thee +were it in water."</p> + +<p>So the cobbler sat down by the king and was very merry, +and drank off his liquor very freely; he likewise sung some +of his merry songs and catches, whereat the king laughed +heartily and was very jocund and pleasant with the cobbler, +telling him withal that his name was Harry Tudor, that he +belonged to the court, and that if he would come and see +him there, he would make him very welcome, because he was +a merry companion, and charged him not to forget his name, +and to ask any one for him about the court and they would +soon bring him to him; "For," said the king, "I am very +well known there."</p> + +<p>Now the cobbler little dreamt that he was the king that +spake to him, much less that the king's name was Harry +Tudor. Therefore, with a great deal of confidence, he stands +up and puts off his hat, makes two or three scrapes with his +foot and gives the king many thanks, also telling him that +he was one of the most honest fellows he ever met with in +all his lifetime, and although he never had been at court, yet +he should not be long before he would make a holiday to +come and see him.</p> + +<p>Whereupon the king paying for what they had drunk, +would have taken his leave of the cobbler; but he, not being +willing to part with him, took hold of his hand and said, +"By my faith you must not go, you shall not go, you shall +first go and see my poor habitation. I have there a tub of +good brown ale that was never tapped yet, and you must go +and taste it, for you are the most honest blade I ever met +withal, and I love an honest merry companion with all my +heart."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p> + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How the cobbler entertained the king in his cellar, and +of the disturbance they had like to have had +by his wife Joan.</i></div> + + +<p>So the cobbler took the king with him over the way, where +he had his cellar adjoining the stall, which was handsomely +and neatly furnished for a man of his profession. Into the +cellar he took the king. "There," said he, "sit down, you are +welcome; but I must desire you to speak softly, for fear of +waking my wife Joan, who lies hard by (showing the king +a close bed made neatly up at one corner of the cellar, much +like a closet), for if she should wake she will make our ears +ring again."</p> + +<p>At which speech of the cobbler the king laughed and +told him he would be mindful and follow his directions.</p> + +<p>Whereupon the cobbler kindled up a fire and fetched out +a brown loaf, from which he cut a lusty toast, which he sat +baking at the fire; then he brought out his Cheshire cheese. +"Now," says he, "there is as much fellowship in eating as in +drinking."</p> + +<p>Which made the king admire the honest freedom of the +cobbler. So having eaten a bit the cobbler began. "A +health to all true hearts and merry companions;" at which +the king smiled, saying, "Friend, I'll pledge thee."</p> + +<p>In this manner they ate and drank together till it was +almost break of day; the cobbler being very free with his +liquor, and delighting the king with several of his old stories, +insomuch that he was highly pleased with the manner of his +entertainment; when, on a sudden, the cobbler's wife Joan +began to awake. "I'faith," says the cobbler, "you must +begone, my wife Joan begins to grumble, she'll awake presently, +and I would not for half the shoes in my shop she +should find you here."</p> + +<p>Then taking the king by the hand, he led him up the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span> +stairs, saying, "Farewell, honest friend, it shan't be long +before I make a holiday to come and see thee at court."</p> + +<p>"Thou shalt be kindly welcome," replied the king.</p> + +<p>So they parted, the king on his way to Whitehall and the +cobbler to his cellar, and there putting all things to rights +before his wife Joan got up, he went to work again, whistling +and singing as merry as he used to be, being much satisfied +that he happened on so good and jovial a companion, still +pleasing himself in his thoughts how merry he should be +when he came to court.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How the cobbler prepared himself to go to court and how +he was set out in the best manner +by his wife Joan.</i></div> + + +<p>Now as soon as the king came home, he sent out orders +about the court, that if any one inquired for him by the +name of Harry Tudor, they should immediately bring him +before him, whatever he was, without any further examination.</p> + +<p>The cobbler thought every day a month till he had been +at court to see his new acquaintance, and was troubled how +he should get leave of his wife Joan, for he could not get +without her knowledge, by reason he did resolve to make +himself as fine as he could, for his wife always keeped the +keys of his holiday clothes; whereupon one evening, as they +sat at supper, finding her in a very good humour, he began +to lay open his mind to her, telling her the whole story of +their acquaintance, repeating it over and over again, that he +was the most honest fellow that ever he met withal. "Husband," +quoth she, "because you have been so ingenious as to +tell me the whole truth, I will give you leave to make a +holiday, for this once you shall go to court, and I will make +you as fine as I can."</p> + +<p>So it was agreed that he should go to court the next day;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> +whereupon Joan rose betime the next morning to brush up +her husband's holiday clothes and make him as fine as she +could. She washed and ironed the lace-band, and made his +shoes shine that he might see his face in them; having done +this she made her husband rise and pull off his shirt. Then +she washed him with warm water from head to foot, putting +on him a clean shirt; afterwards she dressed him in his +holiday clothes, pinning his laced band in prim.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>The cobbler's reception at court with the manner of his +behaviour before the king.</i></div> + + +<p>The cobbler being thus set forth, he strutted through the +street like a crow in a gutter, thinking himself as fine as the +best of them all.</p> + +<p>In this manner he came to the court, staring on this body +and on that body as he walked up and down, and not +knowing how to ask for Harry Tudor. At last he espied +one as he thought, in the habit of a servant-man, to whom +he made his address, saying—</p> + +<p>"Dost thou hear, honest fellow, do you know one Harry +Tudor who belongs to the court?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the man, "follow me and I will bring you to +him."</p> + +<p>With that he had him presently up into the guard chamber, +telling one of the yeomen of the guard there was one +that inquired for Harry Tudor.</p> + +<p>The yeoman replied: "I know him very well; if you +please to go along with me, I'll bring you to him immediately."</p> + +<p>So the cobbler followed the yeoman, admiring very much +the prodigious finery of the rooms which he carried him +through. He thought within himself that the yeoman was +mistaken in the person whom he inquired for; for, said he, +"He whom I look for is a plain, merry, honest fellow, his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> +name is Harry Tudor; we drank two pots together not long +since. I suppose he may belong to some lord or other about +the court?"</p> + +<p>"I tell you, friend," replied the yeoman, "I know him +very well, do you but follow me and I shall bring you to +him instantly."</p> + +<p>So going forward, he came into the room where the king +was accompanied by several of his nobles, who attended him.</p> + +<p>As soon as the yeoman had put up by the arras, he spoke +aloud, "May it please your majesty, here is one that inquires +for Harry Tudor."</p> + +<p>The cobbler hearing this, thought he had committed no +less than treason, therefore he up with his heels and ran for +it; but not being acquainted with the several turnings and +rooms through which he came, he was soon overtaken and +brought before the king, whom the cobbler little thought to +be the person he inquired after, therefore in a trembling condition +he fell down on his knees, saying—</p> + +<p>"May it please your grace, may it please your highness, I +am a poor cobbler, who inquired for one Harry Tudor, who +is a very honest fellow; I mended the heel of his shoe not +long since, and for which he paid me nobly and gave me two +pots to boot; but I had him afterwards to my cellar, where +we drank part of a cup of nappy ale and we were very +merry til my wife Joan began to grumble, which put an +end to our merriment for that time; but I told him I would +come to the court and see him as soon as conveniently I +could."</p> + +<p>"Well," said the king, "don't be troubled, would you know +this honest fellow again if you could see him?"</p> + +<p>The cobbler replied, "Yes; that I will among a thousand."</p> + +<p>"Then," said the king, "stand up and be not afraid, but +look well about you, peradventure you may find the fellow +in this company."</p> + +<p>Whereupon the cobbler arose and looked wistfully upon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span> +the king and the rest of the nobles, but it was to little or no +purpose; for, though he saw something in the king's face +which he thought he had seen before, yet he could not be +Harry Tudor, the heel of whose shoe he had mended and +who had been so merry a companion with him at the inn and +at his own cellar.</p> + +<p>He therefore told the king he did not expect to find Harry +Tudor among such fine folks as he saw there, but that the +person he looked for was a plain, honest fellow. Adding +withal, that he was sure that did Harry Tudor but know he +was come to court, he would make him very welcome, +"For," says the cobbler, "when we parted he charged me to +come to court soon and see him, which I promised I would, +and accordingly I have made a holiday on purpose to have +a glass with him."</p> + +<p>At which speech of the cobbler's the king had much ado +to forbear laughing out, but keeping his countenance as +steady as he could before the cobbler, he spoke to the yeoman +of the guard.</p> + +<p>"Here," said he, "take this honest cobbler down into my +cellar and let him drink my health, and I will give orders +that Harry Tudor shall come to him presently."</p> + +<p>So away they went, the cobbler being fit to leap out of +his skin for joy, not only that he had come off so well, but +that he should see his friend Harry Tudor.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>The cobbler's entertainment in the king's cellar.</i></div> + + +<p>The cobbler had not been long in the king's cellar, before +the king came to him in the same habit that he had on when +the cobbler mended his shoe; whereupon the cobbler knew +him immediately and ran and kissed him, saying, "Honest +Harry, I have made an holiday on purpose to see you, but I +had much ado to get leave of my wife Joan, who was loath +to lose so much time from my work; but I was resolved to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> +see you and therefore I made myself as fine as I could; but +I'll tell thee, Harry, when I came to court I was in a peck +of troubles how to find you out; but at last I met with a +man who told me he knew you very well and that he would +bring me to you, but instead of doing so he brought me before +the king, which almost frightened me out of my seven +senses; but faith, I'm resolved to be merry with you now, +since I have met you at last."</p> + +<p>"Aye, that we shall," replied the king; "we shall be as +merry as princes."</p> + +<p>Now after the cobbler had drunk about four or five good +healths, he began to be merry and fell a-singing his old songs +and catches, which pleased the king very much and made +him laugh heartily.</p> + +<p>When on a sudden several of the nobles came into the +cellar, extraordinary rich in apparel, and all stood uncovered +before Harry Tudor, which put the cobbler into great amazement +at first, but presently recovering himself, he looked +more wistfully upon Harry Tudor, and soon knowing him to +be the king, whom he saw in his presence chamber, though +in another habit, he immediately fell upon his knees +saying—</p> + +<p>"May it please your grace, may it please your highness, I +am a poor honest cobbler and mean no harm."</p> + +<p>"No, no," said the king, "nor shall receive any here, I +assure you."</p> + +<p>He commanded him therefore to rise and be merry as he +was before, and, though he knew him to be the king, yet he +should use the same freedom with him as he did before, +when he mended the heel of his shoe.</p> + +<p>This kind speech of the king's and three or four glasses of +wine made the cobbler be in as good humour as before, +telling the king several of his old stories and singing some +of his best songs, very much to the satisfaction of the king +and all his nobles.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2>THE COBBLER'S SONG IN THE KING'S</h2> +<h2>CELLAR.</h2> + + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">Come let us drink the other pot,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">Our sorrows to confound;<br /></span> +<span class="i4">We'll laugh and sing before the king,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">So let his health go round.<br /></span> +<span class="i4">For I am as bold as bold can be<br /></span> +<span class="i5">No cobbler e'er was ruder;<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Then here, good fellow, here's to thee,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">(Remembering Harry Tudor.)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">When I'm at work within my stall,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">Upon him I will think;<br /></span> +<span class="i4">His kindness I to mind will call,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">Whene'er I eat or drink.<br /></span> +<span class="i4">His kindness was to me so great,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5">The like was never known,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">His kindness I shall still repeat,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">And so shall my wife Joan.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">I'll laugh when I sit in my stall,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">And merrily will sing;<br /></span> +<span class="i4">That I with my poor last and awl,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">Am fellow with the king.<br /></span> +<span class="i4">But it is more I must confess,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">Than I at first did know;<br /></span> +<span class="i4">But Harry Tudor, ne'ertheless,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">Resolves it shall be so.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">And now farewell unto Whitehall,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">I homeward must retire;<br /></span> +<span class="i4">To sing and whistle in my stall,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">My Joan will me desire.<br /></span> +<span class="i4">I do but think how she shall laugh,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">When she hears of this thing,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">That he that drank her nut-brown ale,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">Was England's Royal King.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p> + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How the cobbler became a courtier.</i></div> + + +<p>Now the king considering the pleasant humour of the +cobbler, how innocently merry he was and free from any +design; that he was a person that laboured very hard, and +took a great deal of pains for a small livelihood, was pleased, +out of his princely grace and favour, to allow him a liberal +annuity of forty merks a year, for the better support of his +jolly humour and the maintenance of his wife Joan, and that +he should be admitted one of his courtiers, and that he might +have the freedom of his cellar whenever he pleased.</p> + +<p>Which being so much beyond expectation, did highly +exalt the cobbler's humour, much to the satisfaction of the +king.</p> + +<p>So after a great many legs and scrapes, he returned home +to his wife Joan, with the joyful news of his reception at +court, which so well pleased her that she did not think +much at the great pains she took in decking him for the +journey.</p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h2>THE MERRY TALES</h2> + +<h4>OF THE</h4> + +<h1>WISE MEN OF GOTHAM.</h1> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale I.</span></h3> + +<p>There were two men of Gotham, and one of them was going +to Nottingham market to buy sheep, and both met together +on Nottingham bridge. "Well met," said one to the other;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span> +"whither are you going?" said he that came from Nottingham. +"Marry," said he that was going thither, "I am going +to the market to buy sheep." "Buy sheep!" said the other, +"which way will you bring them home?" "Marry," said +the other, "I will bring them over this bridge." "By Robin +Hood," said he that came from Nottingham, "but thou shalt +not." "By my maid Margery," said the other, "but I will." +"You shall not," said the one. "I will," said the other. +Then they beat their staves one against the other and then +against the ground, as if a hundred sheep had been betwixt +them. "Hold there," said the one. "Beware of my sheep +leaping over the bridge," said the other. "I care not," said +the one. "They shall all come this way," said the other. +"But they shall not," said the one. "Then," said the other, +"if thou makest much ado, I will put my finger in thy +mouth." "A groat thou wilt," said the other. And as they +were in contention, another wise man that belonged to +Gotham, came from the market with a sack of meal on his +horse, and seeing his neighbours at strife about sheep and +none betwixt them, said he, "Ah! fools, will you never learn +wit? Then help me," continued he, "to lay this sack upon +my shoulder." They did so and he went to the side of the +bridge and shook out the meal into the river, saying, "How +much meal is there in my sack, neighbour?" "Marry," said +one, "there is none." "Indeed," replied this wise man, +"even so much wit is there in your two heads, to strive for +what you have not." Now which was the wisest of these +three I leave thee to judge.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale II.</span></h3> + +<p>There was a man of Gotham that rode to the market with +two bushels of wheat, and, lest his horse should be damaged +by carrying too great a burden, he was determined to carry +the corn himself upon his own neck, and still kept riding +upon his horse till he arrived at the end of his journey. I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span> +will leave you to judge which was the wisest, his horse or +himself.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale III.</span></h3> + +<p>On a time the men of Gotham fain would have pinned in the +cuckoo that she might sing all the year, and in the midst of +the town they had a hedge made round in compass, and got +a cuckoo and put her into it, and said, "Sing here and thou +shalt lack neither meat nor drink all the year." The cuckoo, +when she found herself encompassed by the hedge, flew +away. "A vengeance on her," said these wise men, "we +did not make our hedge high enough."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale IV.</span></h3> + +<p>There was a man of Gotham who went to Nottingham +market to sell cheese, and going down the hill to Nottingham +bridge, one of his cheeses fell out of his wallet and ran down +the hill. "Prithee," said the man, "can you run to the +market alone? I'll now send one after another." Then +laying his wallet down and taking out the cheeses, he +tumbled them down the hill one after another. Some ran +into one bush and some into another. He charged them, +however, to meet him at the market place. The man went +to the market to meet the cheeses and staying till the market +was almost over, then went and inquired of his neighbours +if they saw his cheeses come to the market. "Why, who +should bring them?" says one. "Marry, themselves," said +the fellow, "they knew the way very well. A vengeance on +them, they ran so fast I was afraid they would run beyond +the market; I am sure they are by this time as far as York." +So he immediately rode to York, but was much disappointed. +And to add to it he never found nor heard of one of his +cheeses.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale V.</span></h3> + +<p>A man of Gotham bought, at Nottingham market, a trevet +of bar iron, and going home with it his feet grew weary with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span> +the carriage. He set it down and seeing it had three feet +said, "Prithee, thou hast three feet and I but two; thou +shalt bear me home if thou wilt," so he set himself down upon +it and said to it, "Bear me as long as I have done thee, for +if thou dost not thou shalt stand still for me." The man of +Gotham saw his trevet would not move. "Stand still," said +he, "in the mayor's name and follow me if thou wilt and I +can show you the right way." When he went home his wife +asked where the trevet was. He said it had three legs and +he had but two and he had taught him the ready way to +his house, therefore he might come himself if he would. +"Where did you leave the trevet?" said the woman. "At +Gotham bridge," said he. So she immediately ran and +fetched the trevet herself, otherwise she must have lost it on +account of her husband's want of wit.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale VI.</span></h3> + + +<p>A certain smith of Gotham had a large wasp's nest in the +straw at the end of the forge, and there coming one of his +neighbours to have his horse shod, and the wasps being exceeding +busy the man was stung by one of them. The man, +being grievously affronted, said, "Are you worthy to keep +a forge or not, to have men stung with these wasps?" "O +neighbour," said the smith, "be content, and I will put them +from their nest presently." Immediately he took a coulter +and heated it red hot, and thrust it into the straw at the end +of his forge, and set it on fire and burnt it up. Then, said +the smith, "I told thee I'd fire them out of their nest."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale VII.</span></h3> + + +<p>On Good Friday the men of Gotham consulted together what +to do with their white herrings, sprats, and salt fish, and +agreed that all such fish should be cast into a pond or pool +in the midst of the town, that the number of them might increase +the next year. Therefore everyone that had any fish<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span> +left did cast them immediately into the pond. "Then," said +one, "I have gotten left so many red herrings." "Well," +said another, "and I have left so many whitings." Another +cried out, "I have as yet gotten so many sprats left." +"And," said the last, "I have gotten so many salt fishes, +let them go together in the great pond, without any distinction, +and we may be sure to fare like lords the next year." +At the beginning of the next Lent, they immediately went +about drawing the pond, imagining they should have the +fish, but were much surprised to find nothing but a great +eel. "Ah!" said they, "a mischief on this eel, for he hath +eaten up our fish." "What must we do with him?" said +one. "Chop him in pieces," said another. "Nay, not so," +said another; "but let us drown him." "Be it accordingly +so," replied they all. So they went immediately to another +pond and cast the eel into the water. "Lay there," said +these wise men, "and shift for thyself, since you may not +expect help from us." So they left the eel to be drowned.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale VIII.</span></h3> + +<p>On a time the men of Gotham had forgotten to pay their +rents to their landlord; so one said to the other, "To-morrow +must be pay-day, by whom can we send our money?" So +one said, "I have this day taken a hare and she may carry +it, for she is very quick-footed." "Be it so," replied the rest; +"she shall have a letter and a purse to put our money in, +and we can direct her the way." When the letter was +written and the money put into a purse, they tied them +about the hare's neck, saying, "You must first go to Loughborough +and then to Leicester, and at Newark is our landlord; +then commend us to him and there is his due." The +hare, as soon as she got out of their hands, ran quite a contrary +way. Some said, "Thou must first go to Loughborough." +Others said, "Let the hare alone, for she can +tell a nearer way than the best of us, let her go."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale IX.</span></h3> + + +<p>A man of Gotham, that went mowing in the meadow, found +a large grasshopper. He instantly threw down his scythe +and ran home to his neighbour and said that the devil was +at work in the field, and was hopping among the grass. +Then was every man ready with their clubs, staves, halberts, +and other weapons to kill the grasshopper. When they came +to the place where the grasshopper was, said one to the other, +"Let every man cross himself from the devil, for we will not +meddle with him." So they returned again and said, "We +are blest this day that we went no farther." "O, ye +cowards!" said he that left the scythe in the meadow, +"help me to fetch my scythe." "No," answered they, +"it is good to sleep in a whole skin. It is much better +for thee to lose thy scythe than to mar us all."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale X.</span></h3> + + +<p>On a certain time there were twelve men of Gotham that +went to fish; some waded in the water and some stood on +dry land. In going home, one said to the other, "We +have ventured wonderfully in wading, I pray God that +none of us did come from home to be drowned." "Nay, +marry," said one to the other, "let us see that, for +there did twelve of us come out." Then they told themselves +and every one told eleven. Said the one to the other, +"There is one of us drowned." Then they went back to the +brook where they'd been fishing, and sought up and down +for him that was drowned, making a great lamentation. +A courtier coming by asked what it was they sought for +and why they were sorrowful. "Oh," said they, "this day +we went to fish in the brook; twelve of us came out together +and one is drowned." The courtier said, "Tell how +many there be of you." One of them told eleven, but he did +not tell himself. "Well," said the courtier, "what will you +give me and I will find the twelfth man?" "All the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span> +money we have got," said they. "Give me the money," +said he. He began with the first and gave him a stroke +over the shoulders with his whip, that made him groan, +saying, "Here is one," and so he served them all, and they +groaned at the matter. When he came to the last, he paid +him well, saying, "Here is the twelfth man." "God's +blessings on thee," said they, "for finding our brother."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XI.</span></h3> + + +<p>A man of Gotham, riding along the highway, saw a cheese, +so drew his sword and pricked it with the point in order to +pick it up. Another man who came by alighted, picked +it up and rode away with it. The man of Gotham rides to +Nottingham to buy a long sword to pick up the cheese, and +returning to the place where it did lie, he pulled out his +sword, pricked the ground and said, "If I had had but this +sword I should have had the cheese myself, but now another +has come before me and got it."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XII.</span></h3> + + +<p>A man in Gotham that did not love his wife, and she having +fair hair he said divers times he would cut it off, but durst +not do it when she was awake, so he resolved to do it when +she was asleep; therefore, one night he took a pair of shears +and put them under his pillow, which his wife perceiving, +said to her maid, "Go to bed to my husband to-night, for +he intends to cut off my hair; let him cut off thy hair and +I will give thee as good a kirtle as ever thou didst see." +The maid did so and feigned herself asleep, which the man +perceiving, cut off her hair, wrapped it about the shears, +and laying them under the pillow, fell asleep. The maid +arose and the wife took the hair and shears and went to the +hall and burnt the hair. The man had a fine horse that he +loved, and the good wife went into the stable, cut off the hair +of the horse's tail, wrapped the shears up in it and laid them<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> +under the pillow again. Her husband, seeing her combing +her head in the morning, marvelled thereat. The girl, +seeing her master in a deep study, said, "What ails the +horse in the stable, he has lost his tail?" The man ran into +the stable and found the horse's tail was cut off; then going +to the bed, he found the shears wrapped up in his horse's +tail. He then went to his wife, saying, "I crave thy mercy, +for I intended to cut off thy hair, but I have cut off my own +horse's tail." "Yea," said she, "self do self have." Many +men think to do a bad turn, but it turneth oftimes to themselves.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XIII.</span></h3> + + +<p>A man of Gotham laid his wife a wager that she could not +make him a cuckold. "No," said she, "but I can." "Do +not spare me," said he, "but do what you can." On a time +she had hid all the spigots and faucets, and going into the +buttery, set a barrel of broach, and cried to her spouse, +"Pray, bring me a spigot and faucet or else the ale will all +run out." He sought up and down but could not find one. +"Come here then," said she, "and put thy finger in the tap-hole." +Then she called a tailor with whom she made a +bargain. Soon after she came to her husband and brought +a spigot and a faucet, saying, "Pull thy finger out of the tap-hole, +good cuckold. Beshrew your heart for your trouble," +said she, "make no such bargain with me again."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XIV.</span></h3> + + +<p>A man of Gotham took a young buzzard and invited four or +five gentlemen's servants to the eating of it; but the wife +killed an old goose, and she and two of her gossips ate up +the buzzard, and the old goose was laid to the fire for the +gentlemen's servants. So when they came the goose was +set before them. "What is this?" said one of them. The +goodman said, "A curious buzzard." "A buzzard! why it +is an old goose, and thou art an knave to mock us," and so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span> +departed in great anger. The fellow was sorry that he +had affronted them, and took a bag and put the buzzard's +feathers in it; but his wife desired him, before he went, to +fetch a block of wood, and in the interim she pulled out the +buzzard's feathers and put in the goose's. The man, taking +the bag, went to the gentlemen's servants and said, "Pray, +be not angry with me, you shall see I had a buzzard, for +here be the feathers." Then, he opened the bag and took +out the goose's feathers; upon which one of them took a +cudgel and gave him a dozen of stripes, saying, "Why, you +knave, could you not be content to mock us at home, but +you are come here to mock us also."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XV.</span></h3> + + +<p>A man's wife of Gotham was brought to bed of a male child, +and the father invited the gossips who were children of eight +or ten years of age. The eldest child's name was Gilbert, the +second's name was Humphrey, and the godmother was called +Christabel. Their relations admonished them divers times, +that they must all say after the parson. And when they +were come to the church, the priest said, "Be you all agreed +of the name?" "Gilbert, Humphrey, and Christabel," said +the same. The priest then said, "Wherefore came you +hither?" They immediately said the same. The priest +being amazed could not tell what to say, but whistled and +said, "Whey," and so did they. The priest being angry, +said, "Go home, you fools, go home." Then Gilbert, Humphrey, +and Christabel did the same. The priest then provided +godfathers and godmothers himself.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XVI.</span></h3> + + +<p>A young man of Gotham went a wooing a fair maid: his +mother warned him beforehand, saying, "Whenever you look +at her, cast a sheep's eye at her, and say, 'How dost thou, +my sweet pigmy?'" The fellow went to a butcher and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span> +bought seven or eight sheep eyes. And when this lusty +wooer was at dinner, he would look upon the fair wench +and cast in her face a sheep's eye, saying, "How dost thou +do, my sweet pigmy?" "How do I do," said the wench; +"swine's face, what do you mean by casting a sheep's eye +at me?" "O! sweet pigmy, have at thee with another." +"I defy thee, swine's face," said the wench. "What my +sweet old pigmy, be content, for if you live to next year +you will be a foul sow." "Walk, knave, walk," said she, +"for if you live till next year you will be a fool."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XVII.</span></h3> + + +<p>There was a man of Gotham who would be married, and +when the day of marriage was come they went to the church. +The priest said, "Do you say after me." The man said "Do +you say after me." The priest said, "Say not after me such +like, but say what I shall tell you; thou dost play the fool +to mock the holy scriptures concerning matrimony." The +fellow said, "Thou dost play the fool to mock the holy +scriptures concerning matrimony." The priest wist not +what to say, but answered, "What shall I do with this +fool?" and the man said, "What shall I do with this fool?" +So the priest took his leave and would not marry them. +The man was instructed by others how to do, and was afterwards +married. And thus the breed of the Gothamites has +been perpetuated even unto this day.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XVIII.</span></h3> + + +<p>There was a Scotsman who dwelt at Gotham, and he took +a house a little distance from London and turned it into an +inn, and for his sign he would have a boar's head. Accordingly +he went to a carver and said, "Can you make me a +bare head?" "Yes," said the carver. "Then," said he, +"make me a bare head, and thou'se hae twenty shillings for +thy hire." "I will do it," said the carver. On St. Andrew's +day before Christmas (called Yule in Scotland) the Scot<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> +came to London for his boar's head. "I say, speak," said +the Scotsman, "hast thou made me a bare head?" "Yes," +said the carver. He went and brought a man's head of wood +that was bare, and said, "Sir, there is your bare head." +"Ay," said the Scot, "the meikle de'il! is this a bare head?" +"Yes," said the carver. "I say," said the Scotsman, "I will +have a bare head like the head that follows a sow with gryces. +What, fool, know you not a sow that will greet and +groan and cry a-week, a-week." "What," said the carver, +"do you mean a pig?" "Yes," said the Scotsman, "let me +have her head made of timber, and set on her a scalp and let +her sing, 'Whip whire.'" The carver said he could not. +"You fool," said he, "gar her as she'd sing whip whire."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XIX.</span></h3> + + +<p>In old times, during these tales, the wives of Gotham were +got into an ale-house, and said they were all profitable to +their husbands. "Which way, good gossips?" said the ale-wife. +The first said, "I will tell you all, good gossips, I +cannot brew nor bake, therefore I am every day alike, and +go to the ale-house because I cannot go to church; and in +the ale-house I pray to God to speed my husband, and I +am sure my prayers will do him more good than my labour." +Then said the second, "I am profitable to my husband in +saving of candle in winter, for I cause my husband and all +my people to go to bed by daylight and rise by daylight." +The third said, "I am profitable in sparing bread, for I drink +a gallon of ale, and I care not much for meat." The fourth +said, "I am loath to spend meat and drink at home, so I go +to the tavern at Nottingham and drink wine and such other +things as God sends me there." The fifth said, "A man will +ever have more company in another's house than his own, +and most commonly in the ale-house." The sixth said, +"My husband has flax and wool to spare if I go to other +folk's houses to do their work." The seventh said, "I spare<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> +my husband's wood and clothes, and sit all day talking at +other folks' fires." The eighth said, "Beef, mutton, and +pork are dear, I therefore take pigs, chickens, conies, and +capons, being of a lesser price." The ninth said, "I spare +my husband's soap, for instead of washing once a week, I +wash but once a quarter." Then said the ale-wife, "I keep +all my husband's ale from souring; for as I was wont to +drink it almost up, now I never leave a drop."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale XX.</span></h3> + + +<p>On Ash Wednesday, the minister of Gotham would have a +collection from his parishioners, and said unto them. "My +friends, the time is come that you must use prayer, fasting, +and alms, but come ye to shrift, I will tell you more of +my mind, but as for prayer I don't think that two men +in the parish can say their paternoster. As for fasting, ye +fast still, for ye have not a good meal's meat in the year. +As for alm-deeds, what should they give that have nothing? +In Lent you must refrain from drunkenness and abstain +from drink." "No, not so," said one fellow, "for it is an +old proverb, 'That fish should swim.'" "Yes," said the +priest, "they must swim in the water." "I crave thy mercy," +quoth the fellow, "I thought it should have swam in fine +ale, for I have been told so." Soon after the men of Gotham +came to shrift, and being seven the priest knew not what +penance to give. He said, "If I enjoin you to pray, you +cannot say your paternoster. And it is but folly to make +you fast, because you never eat a meal's meat. Labour hard +and get a dinner on Sunday, and I will partake of it." Another +man he enjoined to fare well on Monday, and another +on Tuesday, and another on Wednesday, and so on one after +another, that one or other should fare well once in the week, +that he might have part of their meat, on every day during +the week. "And as for your alm-deeds," the priest said, +"ye be but beggars all, except one or two, therefore bestow +your alms on yourselves."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h2>THE HISTORY</h2> + +<h4>OF</h4> + +<h1>THOMAS HICKATHRIFT</h1> + + + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h2>PART THE FIRST.</h2> + + + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Tom's Birth and Parentage.</i></div> + + +<p>In the reign of William the Conqueror, having read in +ancient records, there lived in the Isle of Ely, in Cambridgeshire, +a man named Thomas Hickathrift, a poor labourer, +yet he was an honest, stout man, and able to do as much +work in a day as two ordinary men. Having only one son, +he called him after his own name, Thomas. The old man +put his son to school, but he would not learn anything.</p> + +<p>It pleased God to call the old man aside, and his mother +being tender of her son, she maintained him by her own +labour as well as she could; but all his delight was in the +corner; and he ate as much at once as would serve five +ordinary men.</p> + +<p>At ten years old he was near six feet high, and three in +thickness; his hand was much like to a shoulder of mutton, +and every other part proportionable; but his great strength +was yet unknown.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Thomas Hickathrift's Great Strength +Came to be Known.</i></div> + + +<p>Tom's mother, being a poor widow, went to a rich farmer's +house to beg a bundle of straw to shift herself and her son +Thomas. The farmer, being an honest charitable man, bid<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> +her take what she wanted. She going home to her son +Thomas, said, "Pray go to such a place, and fetch me a bundle +of straw; I have asked leave." He swore he would not go. +"Nay, prithee go," said the good old mother. He again swore +he would not go, unless she would borrow him a cart rope. +She being willing to please him, went and borrowed one.</p> + +<p>Then taking up the cart rope, away he went, and coming +to the farmer's house, the master was in the barn, and two +other men threshing.</p> + +<p>Said Tom, "I am come for a bundle of straw." "Tom," said +the farmer, "take as much as thou can'st carry." So he laid +down his cart rope, and began to make up his bundle.</p> + +<p>"Your rope, Tom," said they, "is too short," and jeered +him. But he fitted the farmer well for his joke; for when +he had made up his burden, it was supposed to be near a +thousand weight. "But," said they, "what a fool thou art; +for thou can'st not carry the tithe of it." But, however, he +took up his burden, and made no more of it than we do of +an hundred pounds weight, to the great astonishment of +both master and men.</p> + +<p>Now Tom's strength beginning to be known in the town, +they would not let him lie basking in the chimney corner, +every one hiring him to work, seeing he had so much +strength, all telling him it was a shame for him to lie idle +as he did from day to day; so that Tom finding them bait +at him as they did, went first to one to work and then to +another.</p> + +<p>One day a man came to him, desiring him to bring a tree +home. So Tom went with him and four other men.</p> + +<p>Now when they came to the wood they set the cart by +the tree, and began to draw it by pulleys; but Tom seeing +them not able to stir it, said, "Stand aside, fools," and so set +on the one end, and then put it into the cart. "There," +said he, "see what a man can do!" "Marry," said they, +"that is true indeed."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p> + +<p>Having done, and coming through the wood, they met the +woodman; and Tom asked him for a stick to make his +mother a fire with.</p> + +<p>"Aye," says the woodman, "take one."</p> + +<p>So Tom took up a bigger than that on the cart, and +putting it on his shoulder, walked home with it faster than +the six horses in the cart drew the other.</p> + +<p>Now this was the second instance of Tom showing his +strength; by which time he began to think that he had +more natural strength than twenty common men, and from +that time Tom began to grow very tractable; he would +jump, run, and take delight in young company, and would +ride to fairs and meetings, to see sports and diversions.</p> + +<p>One day going to a wake where the young men were met, +some went to wrestling, and some to cudgels, some to +throwing the hammer, and the like.</p> + +<p>Tom stood awhile to see the sport, and at last he joined +the company in throwing the hammer: at length he took +the hammer in his hand, and felt the weight of it, bidding +them stand out of the way, for he would try how far he could +throw it.</p> + +<p>"Ay," says the old smith, "you will throw it a great way, +I warrant you."</p> + +<p>Tom took the hammer, and giving it a swing, threw it +into a river four or five furlongs distant, and bid them go +and fetch it out.</p> + +<p>After this Tom joined the wrestlers, and though he had no +more skill than an ass, yet by main strength he flung all he +grasped with; if once he but laid hold they were gone; +some he threw over his head, and others he laid gently down.</p> + +<p>He did not attempt to look or strike at their heels, but +threw them two or three yards from him, and sometimes on +their heads, ready to break their necks. So that at last none +durst enter the ring to wrestle with him, for they took +him to be some devil among them.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p> + +<p>Thus was the fame of Tom's great strength spread more +and more about the country.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Tom became a Brewer's Servant; how he killed a +Giant, and came to be called Mr. Hickathrift.</i></div> + + +<p>Tom's fame being spread, no one durst give him an angry +word; for being foolhardy, he cared not what he did, so +that those who knew him would not displease him. At last +a brewer of Lynn, who wanted a lusty man to carry beer to +the Marsh and to Wisbeach, hearing of Tom, came to hire +him; but Tom would not hire himself till his friends +persuaded him, and his master promised him a new suit of +clothes from top to toe, and also that he should be his man; +and the master showed him where he should go, for there +was a monstrous giant who kept part of the Marsh, and +none dared to go that way; for if the giant found them he +would either kill them or make them his servants.</p> + +<p>But to come to Tom and his master, Tom did more in one +day than all the rest of his men did in three: so that his +master seeing him so tractable and careful in his business, +made him his head man, and trusted him to carry beer by +himself, for he needed none to help him. Thus Tom went +each day to Wisbeach, a journey of near twenty miles.</p> + +<p>Tom going this journey so often, and finding the other +road the giant kept nearer by the half, and Tom having +increased his strength by being so well kept, and improving +his courage by drinking so much strong ale; one day as he +was going to Wisbeach, without saying anything to his +master or any of his fellow servants, he resolved to make the +nearest road or lose his life; to win the horse or lose the +saddle; to kill or be killed, if he met with this giant.</p> + +<p>Thus resolved, he goes the nearest way with his cart, +flinging open the gates in order to go through; but the giant +soon spied him, and seeing him a daring fellow, vowed to +stop his journey and make a prize of his beer; but Tom<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span> +cared not a groat for him, and the giant met him like a roaring +lion, as though he would have swallowed him up.</p> + +<p>"Sirrah," said he, "who gave you authority to come this +way? Do you not know that I make all stand in fear of +my sight? and you, like an impudent rogue, must come and +fling open my gates at pleasure. Are you so careless of your +life that you do not care what you do? I will make you an +example to all rogues under the sun. Dost thou not see +how many heads hang upon yonder tree that have offended +my laws? Thine shall hang higher than any of them all."</p> + +<p>"A tod in your teeth," said Tom, "you shall not find me +like them."</p> + +<p>"No," said the giant; "why, you are but a fool if you +come to fight me, and bring no weapon to defend thyself."</p> + +<p>Cries Tom, "I have got a weapon here that shall make +you know I am your master."</p> + +<p>"Aye, say you so, sirrah," said the giant, and then ran to +his cave to fetch his club, intending to dash his brains out +at a blow.</p> + +<p>While the giant was gone for his club, Tom turned his +cart upside down, taking the axle tree and wheel for his +sword and buckler; and excellent weapons they were on +such an emergency.</p> + +<p>The giant coming out again began to stare at Tom, to see +him take the wheel in one of his hands and the axle tree in +the other.</p> + +<p>"Oh, oh!" said the giant, "you are like to do great things +with those instruments; I have a twig here that will beat +thee, thy axle tree, and wheel to the ground."</p> + +<p>Now that which the giant called a twig was as thick as a +mill post; with this the giant made a blow at Tom with +such force as made his wheel crack.</p> + +<p>Tom, not in the least daunted, gave him as brave a blow +on the side of the head, which made him reel again.</p> + +<p>"What," said Tom, "have you got drunk with my small<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> +beer already?" The giant recovering, made many hard +blows at Tom; but still as they came he kept them off with +his wheel, so that he received but very little hurt.</p> + +<p>In the meantime Tom plied him so well with blows that +sweat and blood ran together down the giant's face, who, +being fat and foggy, was almost spent with fighting so long, +so begged Tom to let him drink, and then he would fight +him again.</p> + +<p>"No," said Tom, "my mother did not teach me such wit. +Who is fool then?" Whereupon, finding the giant grew +weak, Tom redoubled his blows till he brought him to the +ground.</p> + +<p>The giant, finding himself overcome, roared hideously, +and begged Tom to spare his life and he would perform anything +he should desire, even yield himself unto him and be +his servant.</p> + +<p>But Tom, having no more mercy on him than a dog upon +a bear, laid on him till he found him breathless, and then +cut off his head, after which he went into his cave, and there +found great store of gold and silver, which made his heart +leap for joy.</p> + +<p>When he had rummaged the cave, and refreshed himself a +little, he restored the wheel and axle tree to their places, and +loaded his beer on his cart, and went to Wisbeach, where he +delivered his beer, and returned home the same night as +usual.</p> + +<p>Upon his return to his master, he told him what he had +done, which, though he was rejoiced to hear, he could not +altogether believe, till he had seen if it were true.</p> + +<p>Next morning Tom's master went with him to the place, +to be convinced of the truth, as did most of the inhabitants +of Lynn.</p> + +<p>When they came to the place they were rejoiced to find +the giant quite dead; and when Tom showed them the +head and what gold and silver there was in the cave, all of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> +them leaped for joy; for the giant had been a great enemy +to that part of the country.</p> + +<p>News was soon spread that Tom Hickathrift had killed +the giant, and happy was he that could come to see the +giant's cave; and bonfires were made all round the +country for Tom's success.</p> + +<p>Tom, by the general consent of the country, took possession +of the giant's cave and riches. He pulled down the cave, +and built himself a handsome house on the spot. He gave +part of the giant's lands to the poor for their common, and +the rest he divided and enclosed for an estate to maintain +him and his mother.</p> + +<p>Now Tom's fame was spread more and more through the +country, and he was no longer called plain Tom, but Mr. +Hickathrift, and they feared his anger now almost as much +as they did that of the giant before.</p> + +<p>Tom now finding himself very rich, resolved his neighbours +should be the better for it. He enclosed himself a park and +kept deer; and just by his house he built a church, which he +dedicated to St. James, because on that saint's day he killed +the giant.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Tom kept a pack of Hounds, and of his being attacked +by some Highwaymen.</i></div> + + +<p>Tom not being used to such a stock of riches, could hardly +tell how to dispose of it; but he used means to do it, for he +kept a pack of hounds and men to hunt them; and who but +Tom; he took much delight in sports and exercises, and he +would go far and near to a merry making.</p> + +<p>One day as Tom was riding he saw a company at football, +and dismounted to see them play for a wager; but he spoiled +all their sport, for meeting the football, he gave it such a +kick that they never found it more; whereupon they began +to quarrel with Tom, but some of them got little good by it; +for he got a spar, which belonged to an old house that had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span> +been blown down, with which he drove all opposition before +him, and made a way wherever he came.</p> + +<p>After this, going home late in the evening, he was met by +four highwaymen, well mounted, who had robbed all the +passengers that travelled on that road.</p> + +<p>When they saw Tom, and found that he was alone, they +were cock sure of his money, and bid him stand and deliver.</p> + +<p>"What must I deliver?" cries Tom. "Your money, +sirrah," said they. "Aye," said Tom, "but you shall give +me better words for it first, and be better armed too."</p> + +<p>"Come, come," said they, "we came not here to prate, but +for your money, and money we must have before we go." +"Is it so?" said Tom; "then get it and take it."</p> + +<p>Whereupon one of them made at him with a rusty sword, +which Tom immediately wrenched out of his hand, and +attacked the whole four with it, and made them set spurs +to their horses; but seeing one had a portmanteau behind +him, and supposing it contained money, he more closely +pursued them, and soon overtook them and cut their +journey short, killing two of them and sadly wounding the +other two, who, begging hard for their lives, he let them go, +but took away all their money, which was about two +hundred pounds, to bear his expenses home.</p> + +<p>When Tom came home he told them how he had served +the poor football players and the four thieves, which produced +much mirth and laughter amongst all the company.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Tom, meets with a Tinker and of the Battle +they Fought.</i></div> + + +<p>Some time afterwards, as Tom was walking about his +estate to see how his workmen went on, he met upon the +skirts of the forest a very sturdy tinker, having a good staff +on his shoulder and a great dog to carry his budget of tools. +So Tom asked the tinker from whence he came and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> +whither he was going, as that was no highway? Now the +tinker being a very sturdy fellow, bid him go look, what +was that to him? But fools must always be meddling.</p> + +<p>"Hold," said Tom, "before you and I part I will make +you know who I am."</p> + +<p>"Aye," says the tinker, "it is three years since I had a +combat with any man; I have challenged many a one, but +none dare face me, so I think they are all cowards in this +part of the country; but I hear there is a man lives hereabouts +named Thomas Hickathrift, who has killed a giant, +him I'd willingly see to have a bout with him."</p> + +<p>"Aye," said Tom, "I am the man. What have you to say +to me?"</p> + +<p>"Truly," said the tinker, "I am very glad we are so +happily met, that we may have one touch."</p> + +<p>"Surely," said Tom, "you are but in jest."</p> + +<p>"Marry," said the tinker, "but I am in earnest."</p> + +<p>"A match," said Tom.</p> + +<p>"It is done," said the tinker.</p> + +<p>"But," said Tom, "will you give me leave to get me a +twig?"</p> + +<p>"Aye," said the tinker, "I hate him that fights with a +man unarmed."</p> + +<p>So Tom stepped to a gate and took a rail for a staff. So +to it they fell. The tinker at Tom, and Tom at the tinker, +like two giants. The tinker had a leather coat on, so that +every blow Tom gave him made it roar again, yet the tinker +did not give way an inch till Tom gave him such a bang on +the side of the head that felled him to the ground.</p> + +<p>"Now, tinker, where art thou?" said Tom. But the +tinker being a nimble fellow, leaped up again, and gave Tom +a bang, the which made him reel, and following his blows, +took Tom on the other side, which made him throw down +his weapon and yield the mastery to the brave tinker.</p> + +<p>After this Tom took the tinker home to his house, where<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> +we shall leave them to improve their acquaintance, and get +themselves cured of the bruises they gave each other. And +for a further account of the merry pranks of Tom and the +tinker, the reader is referred to the Second Part, which is +far more entertaining than this.</p> + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<h2>PART THE SECOND.</h2> + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + + +<div class="center"><i>Tom Hickathrift and the Tinker conquer Ten Thousand +Rebels.</i></div> + + +<p>In and about the Isle of Ely, many disaffected persons, to +the number of ten thousand or upwards, drew themselves +together in a body, pretending to contend for their rights +and privileges, which they said had been greatly infringed; +insomuch that the civil magistrates of the country thought +themselves in great danger of their lives.</p> + +<p>Whereupon the sheriff by night came to the house of Mr. +Thomas Hickathrift, as a secure place of refuge in so +eminent a time of danger, where he laid open to Mr. +Hickathrift the unreasonableness of the complaint of these +rebels, and begged his protection and assistance.</p> + +<p>"Sheriff," said Tom, "what service my brother," meaning +the tinker, "and I can perform shall not be wanting."</p> + +<p>This said, in the morning, by break of day, with trusty +clubs, they both went out, desiring the sheriff to be their +guide in conducting them to the place where the rebels +were.</p> + +<p>When they came there, Tom and the tinker marched +boldly up to the head of them, and demanded the reason +why they disturbed the government? To which they +replied, "That their will was their law, and by that only we +will be governed."</p> + +<p>"Nay," said Tom, "if it be so, these are our weapons, and +by them ye shall be chastised." These words were no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> +sooner out of his mouth, but the tinker and he threw themselves +both together into the crowd, where with their clubs +they beat down all before them. Nay, remarkable it was, +the tinker struck a tall man upon the neck with such force +that his head flew off and was carried ten yards from him, +and struck the chief leader with such violence as levelled +him to the ground.</p> + +<p>Tom, on the other hand, pressing forward, beat down all +before him, making great havoc, till by an unfortunate blow +he broke his club; yet he was not in the least dismayed, for he +presently seized a lusty, stout, raw-boned miller, and so made +use of him for a weapon, till at last they cleared the field, +that not one of them durst lift up their hand against them.</p> + +<p>Shortly after Tom took some of them and exposed them +to public justice; the rest being pardoned at the request of +Tom and the tinker.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Tom Hickathrift and the Tinker are sent for up to Court; +and of their kind Entertainment.</i></div> + + +<p>The king being truly informed of the faithful services performed +by these his loving subjects, Tom Hickathrift and +the tinker, he was pleased to send for them and the nobility.</p> + +<p>Now after the banquet the king said, "These are my +trusty and well-beloved subjects, men of known courage and +valour, who conquered ten thousand persons who were met +together to disturb the peace of my realm.</p> + +<p>"According to the characters given of Thomas Hickathrift +and Henry Nonsuch, persons here present, which cannot be +matched in the world; all were it possible to have an army +of 20,000 such, I durst immediately venture to act the part +of great Alexander.</p> + +<p>"As a proof of my favour, kneel down and receive the order +of knighthood, Mr. Hickathrift; and as for Henry Nonsuch +I will settle upon him a reward of forty pounds a year +during life.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span>"</p> + +<p>So said, the king withdrew, and Sir Thomas Hickathrift +and Henry Nonsuch, the tinker, returned to their home. +But, to the great grief of Sir Thomas Hickathrift, he found +his mother dead and buried.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Tom, after the Death of his Mother, goes a-wooing; and of +a Trick he served a Gallant, who had offended him.</i></div> + + +<p>Tom's mother being dead, and he left alone in a spacious +house, he found himself strange; therefore began to consider +with himself that it would not be amiss to seek a wife; so, +hearing of a rich and young widow in Cambridge, he goes +to her and makes his addresses, and at the first coming she +seemed to show him much favour; but between that and +his coming again she gave entertainment to an airy, brisk, +and young spark that happened to come in while Tom was +there a second time.</p> + +<p>He looked very wistfully at Tom, and Tom stared as +fiercely at him again; so at last the young spark began to +abuse Tom with very affronting language, saying he was a +lubberly welp and a scoundrel.</p> + +<p>"A scoundrel!" said Tom. "Better sayings would +become you; and if you do not instantly mend your +manners, you will meet with correction."</p> + +<p>At which the young man challenged him; so to the yard +they went—the young man with his sword, and Tom with +neither stick nor staff.</p> + +<p>Said the spark, "Have you nothing to defend yourself? +Then I shall the sooner despatch you."</p> + +<p>So he made a pass at Tom, but that he butt by; and then, +wheeling round unto his back, Tom gave him such a nice +kick in the breech as sent the spark like a crow up in +the air, whence he fell upon the ridge of a thatched house, +and came down into a fish-pond, where he had certainly been +drowned if it had not been for a poor shepherd, who was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span> +walking by that road, and, seeing him floating on the water, +dragged him out with his hook, and home he returned like a +drowned rat; whilst Tom enjoyed the kind embraces of his +lady.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Tom served Two Troopers, whom the Spark had +hired to beset him.</i></div> + + +<p>Now the young gallant vexed himself to think how Tom +had conquered him before his new mistress, so was resolved +on speedy revenge, and, knowing he was not able to cope +with Tom, he hired two lusty troopers, well mounted, to lie +in ambush under a thicket, which Tom was to pass on his +way home, and so accordingly they both attempted to set +upon him.</p> + +<p>"How now, rascals!" said Tom; "what would you be +at? Are you indeed so weary of your lives that you so +unadvisedly set upon one who is able to crush you like a +cucumber?" The two troopers, laughing at him, said they +were not to be daunted at his high words. "High words!" +said Tom; "nay, now I will come to action," and so ran +between them, catching them in his arms, horses and men, +as easy as if they had been but two baker's bavins.</p> + +<p>In this manner he steered homewards, but, as he passed +through a company of haymakers, the troopers cried, "Stop +him! stop him! He runs away with two of the king's +troopers." But they laughed to see Tom hugging them, +frequently upbraiding them for their baseness, saying he'd +make mince meat of them for crows and jackdaws.</p> + +<p>This was a dreadful lecture to them, and the poor rogues +begged he would be merciful to them, and they would discover +the whole plot, and who was the person that employed +them, which they accordingly did, and gained favour in the +sight of Tom, who pardoned them on promise that they +would never be concerned in so villainous an action as that +was for the future.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Tom, going to be Married, is set upon by Twenty-one +Ruffians; and of the Havock he made.</i></div> + + +<p>In regard Tom had been hindered hitherto by the troopers, +he delayed his visit to his lady and love till the next day, +and, coming to her, he gave her a full account of what had +happened.</p> + +<p>She was much pleased at this relation, and received him +with joy and satisfaction, knowing it was safe for a woman +to marry with a man who was able to defend her against any +assault whatever; and so brave a man as Tom was found to be.</p> + +<p>The day of marriage being appointed, and friends and +relations invited, yet secret malice, which is never satisfied +but with revenge, had like to have prevented it; for, having +near three miles to go to church, the aforementioned gentleman +had provided one-and-twenty ruffians to destroy Tom, +for to put them to consternation.</p> + +<p>Howbeit, it so happened in a private place, all bolted out +upon Tom, and with a spear gave him a slight wound, +which made his sweetheart shriek out lamentably. Tom +endeavoured to pacify her, saying, "Stand you still, and I +will soon show you some pleasant sport."</p> + +<p>Here he catched hold of a broad-sword from the side of +one of the company, and behaved so gallantly with it that +at every stroke he took off a joint. He spared their lives, +but lopped off their legs and arms, that in less than a +quarter of an hour there was not one in the company but +had lost a limb. The grass was all stained with a purple +gore, and the ground was covered with legs and arms.</p> + +<p>His lover and the rest of the company were all this while +standing by and admiring his valour, crying out, "O, what +a sight of cripples has he made in a short time!"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Tom, "I verily believe that for every drop of +blood I have lost I have made the rascals pay me a limb, +as a just tribute."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p> + +<p>This said, he steps to a farmer's house, and hired a +servant, by giving him twenty shillings to carry the several +cripples home to their respective habitations in his cart, +and then posted to church with his love, when they were +heartily merry with their friends after this encounter.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Tom provides a Feast for all the poor Widows in the +adjacent Towns; and how he served an Old +Woman who Stole a Silver Cup.</i></div> + + +<p>Now Tom, being married, made a plentiful feast, to which +he invited all the poor widows in the parish, for the sake of +his mother, who had been lately buried.</p> + +<p>This feast was carried on with the greatest solemnity, +and, being ended, a silver cup was missing, and being asked +about it they all denied it.</p> + +<p>At last, all being searched, the cup was found on an old +woman named Strumbelow. Then all the rest were in a +rage; some were for hanging her, others for chopping the +old woman in pieces for ingratitude to such a generous +benefactor.</p> + +<p>But he entreated them all to be quiet, saying they should +not murder a poor old woman, for he would appoint a +punishment for her, which was this:—He bored a hole +through her nose, and put a string in it, and then ordered +her to be stripped; so commanding the rest of the old +women to lead her through all the streets and lanes in +Cambridge, which comical sight caused a general laughter.</p> + +<p>This being done, she had her clothes again, and so was +acquitted.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Sir Thomas and his Lady are sent for up to Court; +and of what happened at that Time.</i></div> + + +<p>Now, tidings of Tom's wedding was soon raised at court, +insomuch that they had a royal invitation there, in order +that the king might have a sight of his newly-married lady.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span> +Accordingly, they came, and were received with much joy +and triumph.</p> + +<p>Whilst they were in the midst of their mirth news was +brought the king by the Commons of Kent that a very +dreadful giant was landed in one of the islands, and had +brought with him a great number of bears, and also young +lions, with a dreadful dragon, upon which he always rode, +which said monster and ravenous beasts had much frighted +all the inhabitants of the said island. And, moreover, they +said, if speedy course was not taken to suppress them in due +time, they would destroy the country.</p> + +<p>The king, hearing of this relation, was a little startled; +yet he persuaded them to return home, and make the best +defence they could for the present, assuring them that he +would not forget them, and so they departed.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Tom is made Governor of East Angles, now called the Isle +of Thanet; and of the wonderful Achievements +he there performed.</i></div> + + +<p>The king, hearing these dreadful tidings, immediately sat +in council to consider what was best to be done for the +conquering this giant and wild beasts.</p> + +<p>At length Tom Hickathrift was pitched upon as being a +stout and bold subject, for which reason it was judged +necessary to make him Governor of that island, which place +of trust he readily accepted; and accordingly he went down +with his wife and family to take possession of the same, +attended by a hundred and odd knights and gentlemen at +least; they taking leave of him, and wishing him all health +and prosperity.</p> + +<p>Many days he had not been there before it was his +fortune to meet this monstrous giant, for thus it was:—Sir +Thomas, looking out at his own window, espied this giant +mounted on a dreadful dragon, and on his shoulder he bore +a club of iron. He had but one eye, which was in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span> +middle of his forehead, and was as large as a barber's basin, +and seemed like flaming fire, the hair of his head hanging +down like snakes, and his beard like rusty wire.</p> + +<p>Lifting up his eye, he saw Sir Thomas, who was viewing +him from one of the windows of the castle. The giant +then began to knit his brows, and to breathe forth some +threatening words to the Governor, who, indeed, was a little +surprised at the approach of such a monstrous and ill-favoured +brute.</p> + +<p>The monstrous giant, finding that Tom did not make +much haste to get down to him, alighted from his +dragon, and chained him to an oak tree, then marched to +the castle, setting his broad shoulders against the corner of +the wall as if he intended to overthrow the whole bulk of +the building at once. Tom, perceiving it, said, "Is this the +game you would be at? Faith, I shall spoil your sport, for +I have a tool to pick your teeth with."</p> + +<p>He then took the two-handed sword the king gave +him, down he went, and, flinging open the gate, he +there finds the giant, who, by an unfortunate slip in his +thrusting, was fallen along, and there lay, not able to defend +himself.</p> + +<p>"How now!" said Tom; "do you come here to take up +your lodging? This is not at all to be suffered." And +with that he ran his long broad sword between the giant's +tawny buttocks, and made the brute give a groan almost as +loud as thunder.</p> + +<p>Then Sir Thomas, pulling out his sword again, and at six +or seven blows he severed his head, which, when cut off, +seemed like the root of a great oak; then, turning to the +dragon, which was all this time chained to a tree, without +any more ado, at a few blows cut off that also.</p> + +<p>This adventure being over, he sent for a waggon and +horses, and loaded them with the heads, and then summoned +all the constables of the county for a safeguard, and sent<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span> +them to the court, with a promise to his Majesty that in a +short time he would clear the island of all the bears, lions, +etc., etc.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>The Tinker, hearing of Tom's Fame, he goes to his Partner; +and of his being unfortunately slain by a Lion.</i></div> + + +<p>Tom's victories rang so loud that they reached the ears of +his old acquaintance the tinker, who, being desirous of +honour, resolved to go down and visit him in his government; +and coming there he was kindly entertained.</p> + +<p>After a few days' pleasure, Tom told him he must go in +search of some bears and lions in the island.</p> + +<p>"Then," said the tinker, "I will go with you."</p> + +<p>"With all my heart," said Tom, "for I must own I shall +be glad of your company." On this they went forward—Tom +with his great sword and the tinker with his pike staff.</p> + +<p>After they had travelled four or five hours, it was their +fortune to meet all the wild beasts together, being in number +fourteen, six of which were bears, the other eight young +lions. When these creatures had set their eyes on them +they ran furiously, as if they would have devoured them at +a mouthful, but Tom and the tinker stood side by side, with +their backs against an oak, until the lions and bears came +within their reach. Tom, with his sword, clave all their +heads asunder, until they were all destroyed, except one +young lion, who, seeing the rest of his fellow-creatures dead, +he was making his escape; but the tinker, being too venturous, +ran hastily after him, and gave the lion a blow. +The beast turned upon him, and seized him with such +violence by the throat as soon ended his life.</p> + +<p>Tom's joy was now mingled with sorrow, for, though he +had cleared the island of those ravenous beasts, yet his grief +was intolerable for the loss of his friend.</p> + +<p>Home he returned to his lady, where, in token of joy for +the success he'd had in his dangerous enterprizes, he made<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span> +a very noble and splendid feast, to which he invited all his +friends and acquaintances, and then made the following +promises:—</p> + + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">"My friends, while I have strength to stand,<br /></span> +<span class="i5">Most manfully I will pursue<br /></span> +<span class="i4">All dangers, till I clear the land<br /></span> +<span class="i5">Of lions, bears, and tigers too."<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h2>THE HISTORY</h2> + +<h5>OF</h5> + +<h1>JACK</h1> + +<h5>THE</h5> + +<h1>GIANT-KILLER</h1> + +<h5>CONTAINING</h5> + +<div class="center"> +His Birth and Parentage<br /> +His Meeting with the King's Son; His Noble<br /> +Conquests over many Monstrous Giants<br /> +And his rescuing a Beautiful Lady, whom he<br /> +afterwards married.<br /> +</div> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<p>In the reign of King Arthur, near the Land's-End of England, +in the county of Cornwall, there lived a wealthy +farmer, who had only one son, commonly known by the +name of Jack. He was brisk, and of a lively, ready wit, +so that whatever he could not perform by strength he +completed by wit and policy. Never was any person heard +of that could worst him; nay, the learned he baffled by his +cunning and ready inventions.</p> + +<p>For instance, when he was no more than seven years of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span> +age, his father sent him into the field to look after his oxen. +A country vicar, by chance one day coming across the field, +called Jack, and asked him several questions; in particular, +"How many commandments were there?" Jack told him +there were nine. The parson replied, "There are ten." +"Nay," quoth Jack, "master parson, you are out of that; +it is true there were ten, but you have broken one of +them." The parson replied, "Thou art an arch wag, Jack." +"Well, master parson," quoth Jack, "you have asked +me one question, and I have answered it; let me ask +you another. Who made these oxen?" The parson +replied, "God." "You are out again," quoth Jack, "for +God made them bulls, but my father and his man Hobson +made oxen of them." The parson, finding himself fooled, +trudged away, leaving Jack in a fit of laughter.</p> + +<p>In those days the mount of Cornwall was kept by a huge +and monstrous giant of 27 feet high and of 3 yards in +compass, of a grim countenance, to the terror of all the +neighbouring towns. His habitation was a cave in the +midst of the mount; neither would he suffer any living +creature to inhabit near him. His feeding was upon other +men's cattle; for whensoever he had occasion for food he +would wade over to the main land, where he would furnish +himself with whatever he could find; for the people at his +approach would forsake their habitations; then he would +take their cows and oxen, of which he would make nothing +to carry over on his back half a dozen at a time; and as for +sheep and hogs, he would tie them round his waist. This +he had for many years practised in Cornwall.</p> + +<p>But one day Jack, coming to the Town Hall, when the +Magistrates were sitting in consternation about the giant, +he asked what reward they would give to any person that +would destroy him. They answered, "He shall have all +the giant's treasure in recompense." Quoth Jack, "Then +I myself will undertake the work."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p> + +<p>Jack furnished himself with a horn, a shovel, and a pick-axe, +and over to the mount he goes in the beginning of a dark +winter evening, where he fell to work, and before morning +had digged a pit 22 feet deep, and as broad, and covered +the same over with long sticks and straw; then strewed a little +mould upon it, so that it appeared like the plain ground.</p> + +<p>This done, Jack places himself on the contrary side of +the pit just about the dawning of the day, when, putting +his horn to his mouth, he then blew, "Tan twivie, tan twivie," +which unexpected noise roused the giant, who came roaring +towards Jack, crying out, "You incorrigible villain, are you +come hither to break my rest? You shall dearly pay for it; +satisfaction I will have, and it shall be this—I will take +you wholly and broil you for my breakfast," which words +were no sooner out of his mouth but he tumbled headlong +into the deep pit, whose heavy fall made the very foundation +of the mount to shake.</p> + +<p>"Oh! giant, where are you now? Faith, you are got +into Lobb's Pond, where I shall plague you for your +threatening words. What do you think now of broiling me +for your breakfast? Will no other diet serve you but poor +Jack?" Thus having tantalized the giant for a while, he gave +him a most weighty knock on the crown of his head with +his pick-axe, so that he immediately tumbled down, gave a +most dreadful groan, and died. This done, Jack threw the +earth in upon him, and so buried him; then, going and +searching the cave, he found a great quantity of treasure.</p> + +<p>Now, when the Magistrates who employed him heard the +work was over, they sent for him, declaring that he should +henceforth be called Jack the Giant-Killer. And in honour +thereof, they presented him with a sword, together with a +fine rich embroidered belt, on which these words were +wrought in letters of gold—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="poem i4">"Here's the right valiant Cornish man</span><br /> +<span class="poem i4"> Who slew the giant Cormillan."</span><br /> +</div></div> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p> + +<p>The news of Jack's victory was soon spread; when another +huge giant, named Blunderboar, hearing of it, vowed to +be revenged on Jack if ever it was his fortune to light upon +him. This giant kept an enchanted castle, situated in the +midst of a lonesome wood. Now, Jack, about four months +after, walking near the borders of the said wood, on his +journey towards Wales, grew weary, and therefore sat +himself down by the side of a pleasant fountain, where a +deep sleep suddenly seized on him, at which time the giant +coming for water, found him; and by the line on his belt +knew him to be Jack that killed his brother; and, without +any words, threw him upon his shoulder, to carry him to +his enchanted castle.</p> + +<p>Now, as they passed through a thicket, the ruffling of the +boughs awaked poor Jack, who, finding himself in the +clutches of the giant, was strangely surprised; for, at the +entering within the first walls of the castle, he beheld the +ground all covered with bones and skulls of dead men, +the giant telling Jack that his bones would enlarge the +number that he saw. This said, he brought him into a +large parlour, where he beheld the bloody quarters of some +who were lately slain, and in the next room were many +hearts and livers, which the giant, in order to terrify Jack, +told him "that men's hearts and livers were the choicest of +his diet, for he commonly ate them with pepper and vinegar, +and he did not question but his heart would make him a dainty +bit." This said, he locks up poor Jack in an upper room, while +he went to fetch another giant living in the same wood, that +he might partake in the destruction of poor Jack.</p> + +<p>Now, while he was gone, dreadful shrieks and cries affrighted +poor Jack, especially a voice which continually cried—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="poem i4">"Do what you can to get away,</span><br /> +<span class="poem i4"> Or you'll become the giant's prey;</span><br /> +<span class="poem i4"> He's gone to fetch his brother, who</span><br /> +<span class="poem i4"> Will kill and likewise torture you."</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span> +</div></div> + +<p>This dreadful noise so amazed poor Jack he was ready to +run distracted. Seeing from the window afar off the two +giants coming, "Now," quoth Jack to himself, "my death +or deliverance is at hand."</p> + +<p>There were strong cords in the room by him, of which +he takes two, at the end of which he makes a noose, and, +while the giant was unlocking the gate, he threw the ropes +over each of the heads, and, drawing the other end across +the beam, he pulled with all his strength until he had +throttled them; and then, fastening the rope to the beam, +turning towards the window he beheld the two giants to be +black in their faces. Sliding down by the rope, he came +close to their heads, where the helpless giants could not +defend themselves, and, drawing out his sword, slew them +both, and delivered himself from their intended cruelty; +then, taking out a bunch of keys, he unlocked the rooms, +where he found three fair ladies, tied by the hair of their +heads, almost starved to death, who told Jack that their husbands +were slain by the giant, and that they were kept +many days without food, in order to force them to feed upon +the flesh of their husbands.</p> + +<p>"Sweet ladies," quoth Jack, "I have destroyed this +monster, and his brutish brother, by which I have obtained +your liberties." This said, he presented them with the keys +of the castle, and so proceeded on his journey to Wales.</p> + +<p>Jack, having but very little money, thought it prudent +to make the best of his way by travelling as fast as he +could, but, losing his road, was benighted, and could not +get a place of entertainment until he came to a valley +placed between two hills, where stood a large house in a +lonesome place. He took courage to knock at the gate, and +to his great surprise there came forth a monstrous giant, +having two heads; yet he did not seem so fiery as the +others had been, for he was a Welsh giant, and what he did +was by secret malice, for Jack telling his condition he bid<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span> +him welcome, showing him a room with a bed in it, whereon +he might take his night's repose; therefore Jack undressed +himself, and, as the giant was walking to another apartment, +Jack heard him mutter forth these words to himself—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">"Though here you lodge with me this night,</span> +<span class="i4"> You shall not see the morning light;</span> +<span class="i4"> My club shall dash your brains out quite."</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>"Sayest thou so," quoth Jack; "this is like your Welsh +tricks; yet I hope to be cunning enough for you." Then +getting out of bed he put a billet in his stead, and hid +himself in a corner of the room; and in the dead time of +the night the Welsh giant came with his great knotty club, +and struck several heavy blows upon the head where Jack +had laid the billet, and then returned to his own chamber, +supposing he had broken all the bones in his body.</p> + +<p>In the morning Jack gave him hearty thanks for his +lodging. The giant said to him, "How have you rested? +Did you not feel something in the night?" "Nothing," +quoth Jack, "but a rat which gave me three or four slaps +with her tail." Soon after the giant arose and went to +breakfast with a bowl of hasty pudding, containing nearly +four gallons, giving Jack the like quantity, who, being +loath to let the giant know he could not eat with him, got +a large leathern bag, putting it very artfully under his loose +coat, into which he secretly conveyed his pudding, telling +the giant he could show him a trick; then, taking a large +knife, he ripped open the bag, which the giant supposed to +be his belly, when out came the hasty pudding, at which +the Welsh giant cried, "Cotsplut, hur can do dat trick +hurself." Then, taking his sharp knife, he ripped up his +own belly from the bottom to the top; and out dropped his +bowels, so that he fell down for dead. Thus Jack outwitted +the giant, and proceeded on his journey.</p> + +<p>About this time King Arthur's son only desired of his +father to furnish him with a certain sum of money, that he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span> +might go and seek his fortune in Wales, where a beautiful +lady lived, whom he heard was possessed with seven evil +spirits; but the king his father advised him utterly against +it, yet he would not be persuaded of it; so he granted what +he requested, which was one horse loaded with money, and +another for himself to ride on; thus he went forth without +any attendants.</p> + +<p>Now, after several days' travel, he came to a market +town in Wales, where he beheld a large concourse of people +gathered together. The king's son demanded the reason of +it, and was told that they had arrested a corpse for many +large sums of money which the deceased owed when he +died. The king's son replied, "It is a pity that creditors +should be so cruel; go bury the dead, and let his creditors +come to my lodging, and their debts shall be discharged." +Accordingly they came in great numbers, so that he left +himself moneyless.</p> + +<p>Now, Jack the Giant-Killer being there, and, seeing the +generosity of the king's son, he was taken with him, and +desired to be his servant. It was agreed upon the next +morning, when, riding out at the town-end, the king's son, +turning to Jack, said, "I cannot tell how I will subsist in +my intended journey." "For that," quoth Jack, "take you +no care: let me alone; I warrant you we will not want."</p> + +<p>Now, Jack, having a spell in his pocket, which served at +noon for a refreshment, when done, they had not one penny +left betwixt them. The afternoon they spent in travel and +discourse, till the sun began to grow low, at which time the +king's son said, "Jack, since we have no money, where can +we think to lodge this night?" Jack replied, "We'll do +well enough, for I have an uncle living within two miles of +this. He is a monstrous giant with three heads; he will +fight 500 men in armour, and make them to fly before him." +"Alas!" saith the king's son, "what shall we do there? +He will certainly chop us both up at one mouthful!" "It<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span> +is no matter for that," quoth Jack; "I will go before and +prepare the way for you. Tarry here."</p> + +<p>He waits, and Jack rides full speed; when he came to the +castle, he knocked with such a force that he made all the +neighbouring hills to resound. The giant, with a voice like +thunder, roared out, "Who's there?" He answered, "None +but your own cousin Jack. Dear uncle, heavy news, God wot." +"Prithee, what heavy news can come to me? I am a giant +with three heads, and besides thou knowest I can fight five +hundred men." "O! but," quoth Jack, "here's the king's +son coming with 1,000 men to kill you." "Oh! Jack, this +is heavy news indeed. I have a large vault under ground, +where I will hide myself, and thou shalt lock, bolt, and bar +me in, and keep the keys till the king's son is gone."</p> + +<p>Jack having secured the giant, he returned and fetched +his master. They were both heartily merry with the wine +and other dainties which were in the house; so that night +they rested in very pleasant lodgings, whilst the poor uncle +the giant lay trembling in the vault under ground.</p> + +<p>Early in the morning Jack furnished his master with a +supply of gold and silver, and set him three miles forward +on his journey, concluding he was then pretty well out of +the smell of the giant, and then returned to let his uncle +out of the hole, who asked Jack what he would give him +in reward, since his castle was not demolished. "Why," quoth +Jack, "I desire nothing but the old coat and cap, together +with the old rusty sword and slippers which are at your +bed-head." "Jack, thou shalt have them, and pray keep +them for my sake, for they are things of excellent use. The +coat will keep you invisible; the cap will furnish you with +knowledge; the sword cuts asunder whatever you strike, +and the shoes are of extraordinary swiftness: these may be +serviceable to you, and therefore pray take them with all +my heart." Jack takes them, thanking his uncle, and +follows his master.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p> + +<p>Jack, having overtaken his master, soon after arrived at +the lady's house, who, finding the king's son to be a suitor, +prepared a banquet for him, and, being ended, she wiped his +mouth with her napkin, saying, "You must show this +to-morrow, or else lose your head," and she put it safely +into her bosom.</p> + +<p>The king's son went to bed sorrowful, but Jack's cap of +knowledge instructed him how to obtain it. In the middle +of the night she called upon her familiar spirit to carry her to +Lucifer. Jack put on his coat of darkness, with his shoes of +swiftness, and was there as soon as her; by reason of his coat +they could not see him. When she entered the place she +gave the handkerchief to old Lucifer, who laid it carefully +upon a shelf, from whence Jack brought it to his master, +who showed it to the lady the next day.</p> + +<p>The next night she saluted the king's son, telling him he +must show her to-morrow morning the lips that she kissed +last this night, or lose his head. "Ah," replied he, "if you +kiss none but mine I will." "It is neither here nor there," +said she; "if you do not, death's your portion." At midnight +she went as before, and was angry with Lucifer for +letting the handkerchief go. "But now," said she, "I will +be too hard for the king's son, for I will kiss thee, and he's +to show thy lips." Jack, standing near him with his sword +of sharpness, cut off the devil's head, and brought it under his +invisible coat to his master, who was in bed, and laid it at +the end of his bolster. In the morning, when the lady came +up, he pulled it out by the horns, and showed her the devil's +lips, which she kissed last.</p> + +<p>Thus, having answered her twice, the enchantment broke, +and the evil spirits left her, at which time she appeared a +beautiful and virtuous creature. They were married next +morning in great pomp and solemnity, and returned with a +numerous company to the court of King Arthur, where they +were received with the greatest joy and loud acclamations<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span> +Jack, for the many and great exploits he had done for the +good of his country, was made one of the Knights of the +Round Table.</p> + +<p>Jack, having resolved not to be idle, humbly requested of +the king to fit him with a horse and money to travel, "for," +said he, "there are many giants alive in the remotest parts +of the kingdom, to the unspeakable damage of your Majesty's +liege subjects; wherefore, may it please your Majesty to +give me encouragement to rid the realm of these cruel and +devouring monsters of nature, root and branch."</p> + +<p>Now, when the king had heard these noble propositions, +and had duly considered the mischievous practices of these +blood-thirsty giants, he immediately granted what Jack requested; +and, being furnished with all necessaries for his +progress, he took his leave of King Arthur, taking with him +the cap of knowledge, sword of sharpness, shoes of swiftness, +and likewise the invisible coat, the better to perfect and +complete the dangerous enterprises that lay before him.</p> + +<p>Jack travelled over vast hills and mountains, when, at +the end of three days, he came to a large and spacious +wood, where, on a sudden, he heard dreadful shrieks and +cries, whereupon, casting his eyes around, he beheld a giant +rushing along with a worthy knight and his fair lady, whom +he held by the hair of their heads in his hands, wherefore +he alighted from off his horse, and then, putting on his +invisible coat, under which he carried his sword of sharpness, +he came up to the giant, and, though he made several +passes at him, yet he could not reach the trunk of his body, +by reason of his height, though it wounded his thighs in +several places; but at length, giving him a swinging stroke, +he cut off both his legs just below the knee, so that the +trunk of his body made the ground shake with the force of +his fall, at which the knight and the lady escaped; then +had Jack time to talk with him, and, setting his foot upon +his neck, said, "You savage and barbarous wretch, I am<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span> +come to execute upon you the just reward of your villainy." +And with that, running him through and through, the +monster sent forth a hideous groan, and yielded up his life, +while the noble knight and virtuous lady were joyful spectators +of his sudden downfall and their own deliverance.</p> + +<p>This being done, the courteous knight and his fair lady +returned him hearty thanks for their deliverance, but also +invited him home, there to refresh himself after the dreadful +encounter, as likewise to receive ample reward, by way of +gratitude for his good service. "No," quoth Jack, "I +cannot be at ease till I find out the den which was this +monster's habitation." The knight hearing this waxed +sorrowful, and replied, "Noble stranger, it is too much to +run a second risk, for this monster lived in a den under yon +mountain, with a brother of his, more fierce than himself; +therefore, if you go thither and perish in the attempt, it +would be the heartbreaking of both me and my lady. Let +me persuade you to go with us." "Nay," quoth Jack, "if +there were twenty I would shed the last drop of my blood +before one of them should escape my fury; but when I have +finished this task I will come and pay my respects to +you." So, taking directions to their habitation, he mounted +his horse, and went in pursuit of the deceased giant's +brother.</p> + +<p>Jack had not rode past a mile before he came in sight of +the cave's mouth, at the entrance of which he beheld the +other giant sitting upon a huge block of timber, with a +knotty iron club by his side, waiting for his brother's return +with his cruel prey. His goggle eyes appeared like terrible +flames of fire, his countenance grim and ugly, and his cheeks +appeared like a couple of large flitches of bacon; the bristles +of his head seemed to resemble rods of iron wire; his locks +hung down on his broad shoulders like curled snakes.</p> + +<p>Jack alighted from his horse, and put him into a thicket; +then, with his coat of darkness, he came near to behold his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span> +figure, and said, "Oh! are you here? It will not be long +before I take you by the beard." The giant could not see +him by reason of his invisible coat: so Jack, fetching a +blow at his head with his sword of sharpness, and missing +somewhat of his aim, cut off the giant's nose, whose nostrils +were wider than a pair of jack-boots. The pain was terrible; +he put up his hand to feel for his nose, and when he could +not find it he raved and roared louder than thunder; and, +though he turned up his large eyes, he could not see from +whence the blow came; nevertheless, he took up his iron-headed +club, and began to thrash about him like one stark +mad. "Nay," quoth Jack, "if you be for that sport, then +I will despatch you quickly, for fear of an accidental blow." +Then Jack makes no more to do, but runs his sword up to +the hilt in the giant's body, where he left it sticking +for a while, and stood himself laughing to see the giant +caper and dance with the sword in him, crying out he +should die with the pain in his body. Thus did the +giant continue raving for an hour or more, and at length +fell down dead.</p> + +<p>This being done, Jack cut off both the giants' heads, and +sent them to King Arthur by a waggoner, whom he hired +for the purpose.</p> + +<p>Jack, having despatched these two monsters, resolved to +enter the cave in search of the giant's treasure. He passed +through many turnings and windings, which led him at +length to a room paved with freestone, at the upper end of +which was a boiling cauldron; on the right hand stood a +large table, where the giants used to dine; then he came to +an iron gate, where was a window secured with bars of +iron, through which he looked, and beheld a vast many +captives, who, seeing Jack, said, "Young man, art thou +come to be one among us in this miserable den?" "Ay," +quoth Jack, "I hope I shall not tarry long here; but what +is the meaning of your captivity?" "Why," said one of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span> +them, "we have been taken by the giants, and here we are +kept till they have a feast, then the fattest among us is +slaughtered for their devouring jaws. It is not long since +they took three of us for the purpose." "Say you so," +quoth Jack; "well, I have given them both such a dinner +that it will be long enough ere they need any more. You may +believe me, for I have slain them both; and as for their +monstrous heads, I sent them to the court of King Arthur +as trophies of my victory." Then, leading them to the aforesaid +room, he placed them round the table, and set before +them two quarters of beef, also bread and wine, so that +they feasted there very plentifully. Supper being ended, +they searched the giant's coffers, where, finding a vast store +of gold, Jack divided it equally among them. They all returned +him hearty thanks for their treasure and miraculous +deliverance. That night they went to their rest, and in +the morning they arose and departed to their respective +places of abode, and Jack to the knight's house.</p> + +<p>Jack mounted his horse, and by his direction he came to +the knight's house, where he was received with all demonstrations +of joy by the knight and his lady, who, in respect +to Jack, prepared a feast, which lasted for many days, +inviting all the gentry in the adjacent parts. He presented +him with a ring of gold, on which was engraven by curious +art the picture of the giant dragging a distressed knight +and his fair lady by the hair of the head.</p> + +<p>Now, there were five aged gentlemen who were fathers +to some of those miserable captives whom Jack had set at +liberty, who immediately paid him their respects. The +smiling bowl was then pledged to the victorious conqueror, +but during their mirth a dark cloud appeared, which daunted +the assembly.</p> + +<p>A messenger brought the dismal tidings of the approach +of one Thunderful, a huge giant with two heads, who, +having heard of the death of his kinsmen, the above-named<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span> +giants, was come in search of Jack, to be revenged on him +for their terrible downfall, and was within a mile of the +knight's seat, the people flying before him from their habitations. +When they had related this, Jack said, "Let him +come. I am prepared with a tool to pick his teeth, and you, +gentlemen and ladies, walk forth into the garden, and you +shall be the joyful spectators of this monstrous giant's +death." To which they consented, wishing him good fortune +in that great enterprise.</p> + +<p>The situation of the knight's house was in a small island, +encompassed with a vast moat, thirty feet deep and twenty +feet wide, over which lay a draw-bridge. Wherefore Jack +employed two men to cut it on both sides, and then, dressing +himself in his coat of darkness, putting on his shoes of +swiftness, he marched against the giant, with his sword of +sharpness ready drawn. When he came close up, the giant +could not see Jack, by reason of his invisible coat; nevertheless, +he was sensible of approaching danger, which made +him cry out—</p> + +<p>"Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman; be he +living or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to mix my bread."</p> + +<p>"Sayest thou so," quoth Jack; "then thou art a monstrous +miller. But how? If I serve thee as I did the two +giants of late, I should spoil your practice for the future."</p> + +<p>At which time the giant spoke with a voice as loud as +thunder—"Art thou that villain which destroyed my kinsmen? +Then I will tear thee with my teeth, and suck thy +blood. I will grind thy bones to powder."</p> + +<p>"Catch me first," quoth Jack; and he threw off his coat of +darkness that the giant might see him, and then ran from him +as through fear, the giant, with glaring eyes, following after +like a walking castle, making the earth to shake at every +step. Jack led him a dance three or four times round the +moat, that the ladies and gentlemen might take a full view +of this huge monster who followed Jack, but could not over<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span>take +him by reason of his shoes of swiftness. At length +Jack took over the bridge, the giant, with full speed, pursuing +after him, with his iron club; but, coming to the +middle of the draw-bridge, the weight of his body, and the +most dreadful steps which he took, it broke down, and he +tumbled into the water, where he rolled and wallowed like +a whale. Jack, standing at the side of the moat, laughed +at the giant, and said, "You would grind my bones to +powder? You have water; pray, where is your mill?" +The giant foamed to hear him scoffing at that rate, though +he plunged from place to place in the moat. Jack at length +got a cart rope, and cast it over the giant's two heads with +a slip knot, and, by the help of horses, he dragged him out +again, nearly strangled. Before he would let him loose, he +cut off both his heads with his sword of sharpness, in the +view of all the assembly of knights and ladies, who gave a +shout when they saw the giant despatched. Then, before +he would either eat or drink, he sent these heads also to the +court of King Arthur.</p> + +<p>After some mirth and pastime, Jack, taking leave of the +noble knights and ladies, set off in search of new adventures. +Through many woods and groves he passed, till, +coming to the foot of a high mountain late at night, he +knocked at the door of a lonesome house, at which a man, +with a head as white as snow, arose and let him in.</p> + +<p>"Father," said Jack, "have you any entertainment for a +benighted traveller that has lost his way?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the old man; "if thou wilt accept of such as my +poor cottage afford, thou shalt be welcome." Jack returned +him thanks. They sat together, and the old man began to +discourse as follows—"Son, I am sensible thou art the +great conqueror of giants, and it is in thy power to free this +place; for there is an enchanted castle kept by a monstrous +giant, named Galligantus, who, by the help of a conjurer, +betrays knights and ladies into this strong castle, where, by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span> +magic art, they are transformed into sundry shapes; but, +above all, I lament the misfortune of a duke's daughter, +whom they fetched from her father's garden, carrying her +through the air in a charion drawn by fiery dragons. She +was immediately transformed into the shape of a white +hind. Many knights have endeavoured to break the +enchantment for her deliverance, yet none could accomplish +it, by reason of two griffins, who are at the entrance of the +castle gate, who destroy them as they see them; but you, +being furnished with an invisible coat, may pass them +undiscovered, where, on the gates of the castle, you will +find engraven in characters the means the enchantment +may be broken."</p> + +<p>Jack gave him his hand, with a promise that in the +morning he would break the enchantment and free the lady.</p> + +<p>Having refreshed themselves with a morsel of meat, they +laid down to rest. In the morning Jack arose, and put +on his invisible coat, his cap of knowledge, and shoes of +swiftness, and so prepared himself for the dangerous +enterprise.</p> + +<p>Now, when he had ascended the mountain he discovered +the two fiery griffins. He passed between them, for they +could not see him by reason of his invisible coat. When he +had got beyond them, he found upon the gate a golden +trumpet, hung in a chain of fine silver, under which were +engraven—</p> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">"Whoever shall this trumpet blow</span> +<span class="i4"> Shall soon the giant overthrow,</span> +<span class="i4"> And break the black enchantment straight,</span> +<span class="i4"> So all shall be in happy state."</span> +</div></div> +<p><br /></p> +<p>Jack had no sooner read this inscription, but he blew the +trumpet, at which the foundation of the castle trembled, +and the giant, with the conjurer, were tearing their +hair, knowing their wicked reign was at an end. At +which time the giant was stooping to take up his club;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span> +Jack, at one blow with his sword of sharpness, cut off his +head. The conjurer mounted into the air, and was carried +away by a whirlwind. Thus was the enchantment broken, +and every knight and lady who had been transformed into +birds and beasts returned to their proper shapes, and the +castle, though it seemed to be of a vast strength and +bigness, vanished away like a cloud, whereon universal joy +appeared among the released knights and ladies. This +being done, the head of Galligantus was conveyed to the +court of King Arthur the next day. Having refreshed the +knights and ladies at the old man's habitation, Jack set +forward to the court of King Arthur with those knights and +ladies whom he delivered.</p> + +<p>Coming to his Majesty, his fame rung through the +court, and; as a reward of his services, the duke bestowed +his daughter in marriage to Jack. The whole kingdom +was filled with joy at the wedding; after which the +king bestowed upon him a noble house, with a large estate, +where he and his lady passed their days in great joy and +happiness.</p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h2>SIMPLE SIMON'S MISFORTUNES</h2> + +<h5>AND HIS</h5> + +<h1>WIFE MARGERY'S CRUELTY</h1> + +<h5>WHICH BEGAN</h5> + +<div class="center">The very next Morning after their Marriage.</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>An Account of Simon's Wedding, and his Wife's +Behaviour the Day after their Marriage.</i></div> + + +<p>Simon, the subject of our ensuing discourse, was a man +very unfortunate many years after marriage, not only by +crosses, but by the cruelty of Margery his severe wife—his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span> +wedding day being the best he saw in seven years after, +for then he had all his friends about him. Rough Ralph +the Fiddler and Will the Piper were appointed to make him +and his guests merry.</p> + +<p>Singing, dancing, and good feasting attended the day, +which being ended, this loving couple went to bed, where +their friends all left them.</p> + +<p>But the morning was ushered in with a mighty storm, +only because Simon put on his roast-meat clothes.</p> + +<p>Thus she began the matter—"Why, how now, pray, and +what is to-day, that you must put on your holiday clothes, +with a pye-crust to you? What do you intend to do, say +you, tell me quickly."</p> + +<p>"Nothing," said Simon, "but to walk abroad with you, +sweet wife, as it is common on the day after marriage."</p> + +<p>"No, no," said Margery, "this must not, nor shall not be. +It is very well known that I have brought you a very considerable +fortune—forty shillings in money, and a good +milch cow, four fat wethers, with half a dozen ewes and +lambs; likewise, geese, hens, and turkeys; also a sow and +pigs, with other moveables, worth more than any of your +crook-back generation is able to give you. And do you +think you shall lead as lewd a life now as you did before +you married; but if you do, then say my name is not +Margery. Now I've got you in the bands of matrimony I +will make you know what it is to be married; therefore, to +work you rascal, and take care that what I brought is not +consumed; for, if you do not, what will become of your wife +and children?"</p> + +<p>Now, Simon looked liked one that had neither sense nor +reason, but stood amazed, as if there had been a whole army +of Billingsgate shrews. However, recollecting what he had +heard about scolds, he muttered to himself, "Udswagers, I +think I have got a woeful one now."</p> + +<p>"What is that you say, sirrah?" said she.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Nothing, dear wife, but what you say I allow to be true."</p> + +<p>And so, taking his bag and bottle, he went forward to his +daily labour: but, coming towards the lower end of the +town, he chanced to meet old Jobson, a cobbler, a merry +blade, who loved a cup of good ale.</p> + +<p>"What! honest Simon," said Jobson, "I am glad to see +you, for since our last meeting I hear you are married, and +now I wish thee much happiness."</p> + +<p>Now, old Jobson, being a merry fellow, invited Simon to +take a flaggon of the best liquor that the next ale-house +would afford, and there to drink to Margery's health.</p> + +<p>Being merry in discourse, talking of the tricks and pranks +they had played when bachelors.</p> + +<p>Jobson, taking up the flaggon in his hand, said, "Come, +here's to thee, honest Simon, and I wish thee better luck +than Randal, thy old father-in-law, had with his wife; for +she was such a scold that happy were they who lived out +of the clamour of her noise. But without doubt thy dear +wife may be of a milder spirit, and have more of her father's +meekness than her mother's fury in her; but come, Simon, +here's to thee and to thy dearly-beloved Margery."</p> + +<p>Cries Simon, "If she was present how merry we should +be; but, I fear, on the wrong side of the mouth."</p> + +<p>"Well," said Jobson, "I vow I long to see her; and I +verily believe she would be as glad to see me. I dare to +say she will prove a very good wife."</p> + +<p>"Truly, neighbour Jobson, I don't know; but if I have +no better ending than beginning, I wish I had ended my +life at the plough tail."</p> + +<p>No sooner were these words out of his mouth but in +comes Margery, with her gossips, whom Simon wished to +see, forsooth. He wished her much joy, but Margery, in a +woeful fury, snatched up Jobson's oaken staff from off the +table, and gave poor Simon such a clank upon the noddle +which made the blood spin out, saying, "Is this your work,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span> +sirrah?" Jobson, seeing so sudden an alteration, was +affrighted, not knowing how to escape.</p> + +<p>She then turned about to the left, saying, "Thou rogue +and rascal, it is you that ruins all the good women's husbands +in the town; therefore you shall not go unrewarded," giving +him such strokes over his back and shoulders as caused +poor Jobson to lay in bed almost a fortnight.</p> + +<p>Simple Simon all this while not having any power to run +away, but stood like one half frighted out of his wits, and +trembling before his bride, with his hat in one hand and +the flaggon in the other, begging her that she would be +patient, and he would never offend her any more.</p> + +<p>But she gave him a frown, and bid him begone about his +business, which he immediately did. So then Margery and +her friendly gossips had the whole apartment to themselves, +where they sat till they were all as drunk as fish-women.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>She drags him up into the Chimney, and hangs him +a Smoke-drying.</i></div> + + +<p>At night, when he returned to his own home, Margery, by +the help of a nap she had taken, was a little restored to her +senses again; but yet, not forgetting the fault he had committed, +she invented a new kind of punishment; for, having +a wide chimney, wherein they used to dry bacon, she, taking +him at a disadvantage, tied him hand and foot, bound him +in a basket, and, by the help of a rope, drew him up to the +beam in the chimney, and left him there to take his lodging +the second night after his wedding, with a small, smoky fire +under him, so that in the morning he almost reezed like to +a red-herring. But in length of time he prevailed with his +wife to show him so much pity as to let him down again.</p> + +<p> +"In love release me from this horrid smoke,<br /> +And I will never more my wife provoke;<br /> +She then did yield to let him down from thence,<br /> +And said, 'Be careful of the next offence.'"<br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Simon loses a Sack of Corn that he was carrying +to the Mill to have ground.</i></div> + + +<p>Not long after she sent him to the mill with a sack of +corn, and bade him remember what she said to him, or else +he should not go unpunished.</p> + +<p>"Well," said Simon, "I hope I shall never offend thee +any more."</p> + +<p>For this promise she gave him a mess of milk, and when +he had eaten all up he took the sack of corn upon his back, +and went towards the mill, which stood about two miles +from the house.</p> + +<p>When Simon was got about half way he began to be +weary, which was the forerunner of a great misfortune, for +a man riding by, leading an empty horse towards the mill, +perceived Simon weary of his load, told him he might lay +it upon his spare horse, to which Simon willingly consented.</p> + +<p>The man riding on, Simon could not pace with him, so +desired him to leave it for him at the mill. He promised +he would, but never intended to perform his promise.</p> + +<p>Simon, thus loosing his sack of corn, knew not how to go +home, or show his face before his wife, until he got two or +three of his neighbours to go with him to beg for his pardon, +and to help to make up the difference between them, which +they did after a long parley. So that for this crime he +passed unpunished.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Simon goes to the Market with his Basket of Eggs, breaks +them all by the Way, and is set in the Stocks.</i></div> + + +<p>But, although he was not punished according to the severe +correction he had formerly received, yet he did not escape +the continual railings in his ears for several days after, ever +and anon she crying out, "You sot, will you never be +wise?"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Yes, sweet Margery, dear Margery, I hope I shall some +time."</p> + +<p>"Well," says she, "I'll now try you once more. Here, +take this basket of eggs, and go to the market and sell them, +but be sure don't break them nor spend the money, for if +you do, sorrow will be your sops, and you may expect to +feel the weight of my hands more than ever you have done +before."</p> + +<p>At which harsh words he trembled much, and looked as +white as his dear Margery's shift, for fear that he should +miscarry with his basket of eggs, for he well knew that his +wife would be sure to be as good as her promise.</p> + +<p>Then Simon, taking his basket of eggs, trudged away to +the market, but was no sooner come there than, seeing a vast +crowd of people, he was resolved to see what was the matter.</p> + +<p>When he came to the place he found that two butter-women +had fallen out, and to that degree that they had +taken one another by the que of their hair, and their fillets +all flying about their ears; which Simon seeing he was +moved with compassion, and ran to part them, but in vain; +poor Simon was still unfortunate, and came off with a great +loss, for one of the women pushed him down and broke +his eggs.</p> + +<p>Poor Simon was now almost distracted to see the ground, +but whether it was the fear of the anger of his wife, or +whether it was courage, thus it was, Simon ran in amongst +them, and resolved to be revenged on them for the loss of +his eggs.</p> + +<p>Whilst they were in the fray the constable came, and, +supposing them drunk, gave orders that they should all be +set in the stocks together—Simon in the middle, and the +women on each side—which was accordingly done; but they +rang such a peal in Simon's ears that he was deaf for a +fortnight after.</p> + +<p>Being released, he ventured home again, dreading the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span> +impending storm; but this was his comfort in the midst of +all his hard fortune, that, though he might feel the force of +her blows, still he would be deaf to her noise, being stunned +by the women in the stocks.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Simon's Wife Cudgels him severely +for losing his Money.</i></div> + + +<p>At length Simon coming home he met with his beloved +wife Margery, who, seeing his dejected countenance, she +began to mistrust something, and so, taking hold of his arm, +she hauled him in for examination.</p> + +<p>When Simon saw this he could not forbear weeping, and +began to tell her a dismal story concerning the stocks; but +she wanted the money for the eggs; but Simon, being deaf, +could not hear her, which made her fall on him with such +fury that he was obliged to run up stairs and jump out of +the chamber window, which, when she saw, she followed +him down the town, with a hundred boys and girls after +them, Simon still crying out to the people, "You may see +what it is to be married."</p> + +<p>And her tone was, "You rascal; the money for my eggs," +often giving him a crack on the crown.</p> + +<p>At length it was his good hap to get away from her.</p> + +<p>Night drawing on, and Simon not having one penny to help +himself, was forced to make the best of a bad bargain, +resolved for to lodge that night in a hog-stye amongst the +swine.</p> + +<p>And so the next morning, in the presence of some of his +dearest friends, he begged pardon on his knees of his sweet, +kind, and loving wife, Margery.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Simon loses his Wife's Pail, and at the same time burns +out the Bottom of her Kettle.</i></div> + + +<p>Margery, being reconciled again on his humble petition, +she charged him to be careful for the future that he did not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span> +offend her as he had done before, which he promised to +observe. "Then, Simon," said she, "I am this day to go to +a gossiping, and shall leave you at home to make a fire +and hang on the kettle."</p> + +<p>"Yes, sweet wife."</p> + +<p>Now, Margery was no sooner gone but he made a fire and +hung on the kettle. Then, taking the pail, he goes to the +well to fetch some water, when there came an ox running +down, and a butcher and his boy close after him, who called +out to Simon to stop the ox, which he endeavoured to do, +but the ox, giving them the slip, Simon ran in pursuit of +him for the space of three or four miles, and, having secured +him, the butcher gave him many thanks for his kindness.</p> + +<p>So Simon returned back to the well, but his pail was lost, +and he made sad lamentation for it, inquiring about it, but +could not hear nothing of it; and as the old proverb says, +"One sorrow never comes alone," for on going in doors the +fire was flaming, and the bottom of the kettle was quite +burnt out.</p> + +<p>At the sight of this he fell to wringing his hands and +crying out with a lamentable tone; "None was so unfortunate +as poor Simon. What shall I say to my wife when +she comes? First, I have lost my pail; and, second, I have +let the bottom of the kettle be burnt out. Here will be a +sad reckoning for these misfortunes."</p> + +<p>Just in the middle of these lamentations in comes Margery, +who, having heard him, came armed and fitted for the +fray.</p> + +<p>"How now, sirrah," said she, "has this been the care you +promised of my business?" and with that let fly an earthen +pot at his head, which caused the blood to run about his +ears.</p> + +<p>This done, she took him by the collar, and cuft him about +the kitchen at a most terrible rate, Simon crying for mercy, +but cruel Margery still increased his misery, till the neigh<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span>bours +came, persuading Margery to be satisfied, "for," said +they, "it was but a mischance."</p> + +<p>"A rascal," said she, "for I can set him about nothing, +but thus he serves me."</p> + +<p>They still interceded for Simon, until at length she +excused him.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Simon's Wife sends him to buy Soap, but, going over a +Bridge, he lets his Money fall into the River; +and of a Ragman's running away with his Clothes.</i></div> + + +<p>Margery, calling Simon to her, said, "Will you never be +careful in anything I set you about?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear wife, I hope I shall."</p> + +<p>"Why, then," said she, "take this money. I have tied +it in a clout, that you may not lose it. Therefore, go you +to the market, and make all the haste you can, and get me +some soap."</p> + +<p>"I will, sweet wife," quoth he, and with that he went as +fast as he could.</p> + +<p>Now, on his way he was to pass over a bridge, and, +coming to the middle of it, a flight of crows flew over his +head, which so frightened him that he let fall his money.</p> + +<p>This was the beginning of a new sorrow. He stood +awhile, and knew not what course to take. At length he +resolved to pull off his clothes and jump into the water +and search for it. Now, as he was searching for his money, +an old ragman came by, and put his clothes into a bag.</p> + +<p>Simon, seeing this, pursued him, but in vain, and was +forced to return home naked, which his wife seeing fell in +a most horrible sweat, and, taking the dog-whip, she so +jerked poor Simon about, making him to dance the canaries +for two hours, till he cried out, "Good wife, forbear!" but +she cried out, "You rascal! where is my money, and your +clothes?" Thus she continued until she was tired, and he +heartily begged her pardon.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h2>THE ADVENTURES</h2> + +<h5>OF</h5> + +<h1>BAMFYLDE MOORE CAREW,</h1> + +<h5>WHO WAS FOR MORE THAN FORTY YEARS</h5> + +<h2>KING OF THE BEGGARS.</h2> + + + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Carew's Boyhood. And how he +became a Gipsy.</i></div> + + +<p>Mr. Bamfylde Moore Carew was the son of a clergyman +near Tiverton, in Devonshire, and born in 1693. He was +tall and majestic, his limbs strong and well-proportioned, +his features regular, and his countenance open and ingenious, +bearing the resemblance of a good-natured mind. At twelve +years old he was put to Tiverton school, where he soon got +a considerable knowledge of the Latin and Greek tongues, so +as to be fitted for the University, that in due time he might +be fitted for the church, for which his father designed him; +but here a new exercise engaged his attention, namely, that +of hunting, in which he soon made a prodigious progress. +The Tiverton scholars had command of a fine cry of hounds, +which gave Carew a frequent opportunity of exercising his +beloved employment, and getting acquainted with John +Martin, Thomas Coleman, and John Escott, young gentlemen +of the best rank and fortune. One day a farmer came to the +school and complained of a deer, with a collar round its +neck, that he had seen running through his grounds, and +had done him much damage, desiring them to hunt it down +and kill it. They, wishing for no better sport, on the next<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span> +day put the old farmer's request into execution, in doing of +which they did much damage to the neighbouring grounds, +whose owners, together with Colonel Nutcombe, to whom +the deer belonged, came and complained to the schoolmaster +of the injuries they had suffered by his scholars; they were +very severely reprimanded and hard threatened for the same. +The resentment of the present reproof and the fear of future +chastisement made them abscond from the school; and going +into a brick ale-house, about half a mile from Tiverton, there +they accidentally fell in company with some gipsies, who +were then feasting and carousing. This company consisted +of seventeen, who were met on purpose for festivity and +jollity; which, by plenty of meat, fowl, flowing cups of beer, +cider, etc., they seemed to enjoy to their hearts' content. In +short, the freedom, mirth, and pleasure that appeared among +them, invited our youngsters to enlist into their company; +which, on communicating to the gipsies, they would not believe +them, as thinking they jested; but on tarrying with +them all night and continuing in the same mind next morning, +they at length thought them serious and encouraged +them; and, after going through the requisite ceremonials +and administering to them the proper oath, they admitted +them into their number.</p> + +<p>The reader will, no doubt, wonder to hear of the ceremonials +and oaths among gipsies and beggars, but that will +cease on being informed, that these people are subject to a +form of government and laws peculiar to themselves, and +pay due obedience to one who is styled their king; to which +honour Carew in a short time arrived, after having by many +acts proved himself worthy of it. The substance of them is +this—Strong love and mutual regard for each member in +particular, and the whole community in general; which, +being taught them in their infancy, grows up with them, +prevents oppression, frauds, and over-reaching one another, +which is common among other people, and tends to the very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span> +worst of evils. This happiness and temper of mind so +wrought on Carew as to occasion the strongest attachment +to them for forty years, refusing very large offers that had +been made to him to quit their society.</p> + +<p>Being thus initiated into the ancient society of gipsies, +who take their name from Egypt—a place well known to +abound in learning, and the inhabitants of which country +travel about from place to place to communicate knowledge +to mankind—Carew did not long continue in it before he +was consulted in important matters; particularly Madam +Musgrove, of Monkton, near Taunton, hearing of his fame, +sent for him to consult him in an affair of difficulty. When +he was come, she informed him that she suspected a large +quantity of money was buried somewhere about her house, +and if he would acquaint her with the particular place, she +would handsomly reward him. Carew consulted the secrets +of his art on this occasion, and, after a long study, he informed +the lady that under a laurel tree in the garden lay +the treasure she sought for; but that she must not seek it +till such a day and hour. The lady rewarded him with +twenty guineas; but, whether Carew mistook his calculations +or the lady mistook her lucky hour, we cannot tell, +but truth obliges us to say, the lady having dug below the +root of the laurel tree she could not find the treasure.</p> + +<p>When he was further initiated, he was consulted in important +matters and met with better success; generally +giving satisfaction by his wise and sagacious answers. In +the meantime his parents sorrowed after him, as one that +was no more, having advertised him in all the public papers +and sent messengers after him to almost every part of the +kingdom; till about a year and a half afterwards, when +Carew, hearing of their grief, and being struck with tenderness +thereat, repaired to his father's house. He was so +disguised they did not know him, but when they did their +joy was beyond expressing, tenderly embracing him, bedew<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span>ing +his cheeks with tears and kisses, and all his friends and +neighbours showed every demonstration of joy at his return. +His parents did everything to render home agreeable to him; +but the uncommon pleasure he had enjoyed in the community +he had left, their simplicity, freedom, sincerity, mirth, and +frequent change of habitation, and the secret presages of the +honour he has since arrived at, sickened and palled all other +diversions, and at last prevailed over his filial duty, for one +day, without taking leave of his friends or parents, he went +back to them again, where he was heartily welcomed, both +to his own and their satisfaction, they being glad to regain +one who was likely to become so useful a member of their +community.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Carew's First Adventure in his New Profession.</i></div> + + +<p>Carew being again initiated among them, at the first +general assembly of the gipsies, took the oaths of allegiance +to their sovereign, by whom he was soon sent out on a cruise +against their enemies. Carew now set his wits to work how +to succeed: so equipping himself with an old pair of trousers, +a piece of a jacket, just enough to cover his nakedness, +stockings full of holes, and an old cap, he forgot both friends +and family and became nothing more or less than an unfortunate +shipwrecked seaman. In this, his first excursion, +he gained much credit, artfully imitating passes and certificates +that were necessary for him to travel unmolested. +After a month's travel he happened to meet with his old +school-fellow Coleman, who had once left the gipsies' +society, but, for the same reason as himself, returned to them +again. Great was their joy at meeting, and they agreed to +travel some time together; so entering Exeter, they, in one +day, raised a contribution of several pounds.</p> + +<p>Having obtained all he could from this stratagem, he then +became a plain, honest farmer, whose grounds had been overflowed, +and cattle drowned; his dejected countenance and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span> +mournful tale, together with a wife and seven helpless infants +being partakers of his misfortunes, gained him both +pity and profit.</p> + +<p>Having obtained a considerable booty by these two stratagems, +he returned to his companions, where he was received +with great applause; and, as a mark of their respect, seated +him next the king. He soon became a great man in the +profession and confined not himself from doing good to +others, when it did not infringe upon the community of +which he was a member.</p> + +<p>His next stratagem was to become a madman; so stripping +himself quite naked, he threw a blanket over him and then +he was, "Poor mad Tom, whom the foul fiend had led through +fire and through flame; through fire and whirlpool, over +bog and quagmire; that hath laid knives under his pillow, +and halters in his pew; set ratsbane for his porridge, and +made him proud at heart to ride on a bay trotting-horse +over four-inch bridges; to curse his own shadow for a traitor; +who eats the swimming-frog, the toad, the tadpole, the wall-newt, +and the water-newt; that in the fury of his heart, +when the foul fiend rages, swallows the old rat and ditch +dog; drinks the green mantle of the standing pool:</p> + +<p> +And mice and rats, and such like gear,<br /> +Have been Tom's food for seven long year.<br /> +</p> + +<p>"O do de, do de, do de! bless thee! from whirlwind, star-blasting, +and taking! Do poor Tom some charity, whom +the foul fiend vexes. There I could have him now—and +there!—and there!—and here again!—and there!—Through +the sharp hawthorn blows the cold wind—Tom's a cold!—who +gives anything to poor Tom?"</p> + +<p>In this character, with such like expressions, he entered +the houses of both small and great, claiming kindred to them, +and committing all kinds of frantic actions, such as beating +himself, offering to eat coals of fire, running against the wall, +and tearing to pieces whatever garments were given to him<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span> +to cover his nakedness; by which means he raised considerable +contributions.</p> + +<p>He never was more happy than when he was engaged in +some adventure; therefore he was always very diligent to +inquire when any accident happened, especially fire, to which +he would immediately repair, and, getting information of the +causes, names, trades, and circumstances of the unhappy +sufferers, he would assume one of them, and burning some +part of his clothes, by way of demonstration, run to some +place distant, pass for one of them, gain credit and get much +profit. Under this character he had once the boldness to +address a justice, who was the terror and professed enemy to +all the gipsies, yet he so well managed the affair, that in a +long examination he made him believe he was an honest +miller, whose house, mill and substance had been consumed +by fire, occasioned by the negligence of the apprentice; and +accordingly, got a bountiful sum for his relief, the justice +not in the least suspecting a defraud.</p> + +<p>He had such wonderful facility in every character he +assumed, that he even deceived those who thought themselves +so well acquainted with him, that it was impossible +for him to impose on them.</p> + +<p>Coming one day to Squire Portman's house at Blandford, +in the character of a rat-catcher, with a hair cap on his head, +a buff girdle about his waste, a little box by his side, and a +tame rat in his hand, he goes boldly up to the house, where +he had been well known before, and meeting the squire, +Parson Bryant, and one Mr. Pleydell, of Milbourn, and some +other gentlemen, he asked them if they had any rats to kill. +"Do you understand the business well?" says the squire. +"Yes, an please your honour," replied Carew, "I have been +a rat-catcher for many years, and I have been employed in +his majesty's yards and ships." "Well," says the squire, +"go in and get some vituals, and after dinner we will try +your abilities." He was accordingly called into the parlour,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span> +where were a large company of gentlemen and ladies. +"Well, honest rat-catcher," says the squire, "can you lay any +scheme to kill the rats without hurting my dogs?" "Yes, +yes," cries Carew, "I can lay it where even the rats cannot +climb to reach it." "What countryman are you?" "A +Devonshire man, an please your honour." "What is your +name?" Here our hero began to perceive that he was discovered, +by the smilings and whisperings of several gentlemen, +and he very composedly answered, "My name is +Bamfylde Moore Carew." This occasioned much mirth, +and Mr. Pleydell expressed extraordinary pleasure. He +had often wished to see him but never had. "Yes, you +have," replied Carew, "and given me a suit of clothes. Do +you not remember meeting a poor wretch one day at your +stable door, with a stocking round his head, an old mantle +over his shoulders, without shirt, stockings, or scarce any +shoes, who told you he was a poor unfortunate man, cast +away upon the coast, with sixteen more of the crew who +were all drowned; you, believing the story, generously relieved +me with a guinea and a good suit of clothes." "I +well remember it," said Mr. Pleydell, "but, on this discovery, +it is impossible to deceive me so again, come in whatever +shape you will." The company blamed him for thus boasting, +and secretly prevailed upon Carew to put his art in +practice to convince him of the fallacy thereof: to which he +agreed, and in a few days after appointing the company present +to be at Mr. Pleydell's house, he put the following scheme +into execution.</p> + +<p>He shaved himself closely, and clothed himself in an old +woman's apparel, with a high-crowned hat, and a large +dowdy under his chin; then, taking three children from +among his fraternity, he tied two on his back and one under +his arm. Thus accoutred, he comes to Mr. Pleydell's door, +and pinching one of the brats, set it a roaring; this gave the +alarm to the dogs, who came out with open mouths, so that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span> +the whole company was soon alarmed. Out came the maid +saying, "Carry away the children, good woman, they disturb +the ladies." "God bless their ladyships," said Carew, +"I am the poor unfortunate grandmother of these helpless +infants, whose mother and all they had were burnt at the +dreadful fire at Kirkton, and hope the good ladies, for +Heaven's sake, will bestow something on the poor, famishing, +starving infants." In goes the maid with this affecting +story to the ladies, while Carew keeps pinching the children +to make them cry, and the maid soon returned with half-a-crown +and some good broth, which he thankfully received, +and went into the court-yard to sit down and sup them, as +perceiving the gentlemen were not at home. He had not +long been there before they came, when one of them +accosted him thus—"Where do you come from, old +woman?" "From Kirkton, please your honours," said he, +"where the poor unhappy mother of these helpless infants +was burnt in the flames and all she had consumed." +"There has been more money collected for Kirkton than +ever Kirkton was worth," said the gentleman. However, +they gave the supposed old grandmother a shilling, commiserating +the hard case of her and her poor helpless infants, +which he thankfully received, pretending to go away; but +the gentlemen were hardly got into the house, before their +ears were suddenly saluted with a "tantivy, tantivy," and a +"halloo" to the dogs; on which they turned about, supposing +it to be some other sportsmen; but seeing nobody, they +imagined it to be Carew, in the disguise of the old Kirkton +grandmother; so bidding the servants fetch him back, he +was brought into the parlour among them all, and confessed +himself to be the famous Mr. Bamfylde Moore Carew, +to the astonishmet and mirth of them all; who well +rewarded him for the diversion he had afforded them.</p> + +<p>In like manner he raised a contribution twice in one day +of Mr. Jones, near Bristol. In the morning, with a sooty<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span> +face, leather apron, a dejected countenance, and a woollen +cap, he was generously relieved as an unfortunate blacksmith, +whose all had been consumed by fire. In the afternoon +he exchanged his legs for crutches, and, with a dejected +countenance, pale face, and every sign of pain, he became a +disabled tinner, incapable of maintaining a wife and seven +small children, by the damps and hardships he had suffered +in the mines; and so well acted his part, that the tinner got +as well relieved in the afternoon as the blacksmith in the +morning.</p> + +<p>These successful stratagems gained him high applause +and honour in the community of gipsies. He soon became +the favourite of their king, who was very old and decrepid, +and had always some honourable mark of distinction assigned +him at their assemblies.</p> + +<p>Being one morning near the seat of his good friend, Sir +William Courtney, he was resolved to pay him three visits +that day. He therefore puts on a parcel of rags, and goes to +him with a piteous, mean, dismal countenance, and deplorable +tale, and got half-a-crown from him, telling him he had +met with great misfortunes at sea. At noon he puts on a +leather apron scorched with fire, and with a dejected countenance +goes to him again, and was relieved as an unfortunate +shoemaker, who had been burnt out of his house and all he +had. In the afternoon he goes again in trimmed clothes, and +desiring admittance to Sir William, with a modest grace +and submissive eloquence, he repeats his misfortunes, as the +supercargo of a vessel which had been cast away and his +whole effects lost.</p> + +<p>Sir William, seeing his genteel appearance and behaviour, +treated him with respect and gave him a guinea at his departure. +There were several gentlemen at dinner with Sir +William at that time, none of whom had any knowledge of +him except the Rev. Mr. Richards, who did not discover +him till he was gone; upon which a servant was despatched<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span> +to desire him to come back, which he did; and when he +entered the room they were very merry with him and requested +him to give an account how he got his fine clothes, +and of his stratagems, with the success of them. He asked +Sir William if he had not given half-a-crown in the morning +to a beggar, and about noon relieved a poor unfortunate shoemaker. +"I did," said Sir William. "Behold him before +you," said Carew, "in this fine embroidered coat, as a broken +merchant." The company would not believe him; so to convince +them, he re-assumed those characters again, to their +no small mirth and satisfaction.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Carew made King of the Beggars.</i></div> + + +<p>On the death of the king of the gipsies, named Clause +Patch, our hero was a candidate to succeed him, and exhibited +to the electors a long list of bold and ingenious +stratagems which he had executed, and made so graceful +and majestic an appearance in his person, that he had a +considerable majority of voices, though there were ten +candidates for the same honour; on which he was declared +duly elected and hailed by the whole assembly—King of +the Gipsies. The public register of their acts being immediately +committed to his care, and homage done him by +all the assembly, the whole concluded by rejoicings.</p> + +<p>Though Mr. Carew was now privileged, by the dignity of +his office, from going on any cruise, and was provided with +everything necessary by the joint contribution of the community, +yet he did not give himself up to indolence. Our +hero, though a king, was as active in his stratagems as ever, +and ready to encounter any difficulty which seemed to promise +success.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carew being in the town of South Molton, in Devonshire, +and having been ill-used by an officer there called +the bellman, resolved on the following stratagem by way of +revenge. It was at that time reported that a gentleman of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span> +the town, lately buried, walked nightly in the churchyard; +and as the bellman was obliged by his nightly duty to go +through it just at the very hour of one, Mr. Carew repaired +thither a little before the time, and stripping in his shirt, +lay down upon the gentleman's grave. Soon after, hearing +the bellman approach, he raised himself up with a solemn +slowness, which the bellman beholding, by the glimmerings +of the moon through a dark cloud, was terribly frightened, +so took to his heels and ran away. In his fright he looked +behind him, and seeing the ghost following him, dropped his +bell and ran the faster; which Carew seized on as a trophy, +and forbore any further pursuit. The bellman did not stop +till he reached home, where he obstinately affirmed he had +seen the gentleman's ghost, who had taken away the bell, +which greatly alarmed the whole town.</p> + +<p>Coming to the seat of Squire Rhodes, in Devonshire, +and knowing he had lately married a Dorsetshire lady, he +thought proper to become a Dorsetshire man of Lyme, the +place of the lady's nativity; and meeting the squire and his +bride, he gave them to understand that he was lost in a +vessel belonging to Lyme, Captain Courtney, commander. +The squire and his lady gave him half-a-crown each, for +country sake, and entertained him at their house.</p> + +<p>Our hero, exercising his profession at Milbury, where the +squire's father lived, and to whom the son was come on a +visit, Mr. Carew made application to him, and knocking at +the door, on its being opened, saw the young squire sitting +alone, whom Mr. Rhodes interrupted by saying he "was twice +in one day imposed on by that rogue Carew, of whose gang +you may likely be: besides, I do not live here, but am a +stranger." In the meantime comes the old squire, with a +bottle of wine in his hand, giving Carew a wink to let him +understand he knew him, and then very gravely inquired +into the circumstances of his misfortunes, and also of the +affairs and inhabitants of Dartmouth, from whence he pretended<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span> +to have sailed several times, of all which he gave a +full and particular account, whereupon the old squire gave +him half-a-crown, and the young one the same; on which +Carew and the old man burst into laughter, and discovered +the whole affair, at which Squire Rhodes was a little +chagrined at being imposed on a third time; but, on recollecting +the expertness of the performer, was well satisfied, and +they spent the remainder of the day in mirth and jollity.</p> + +<p>At Bristol he dressed himself like a poor mechanic, and then +going out into the streets, acted the religious madman, talking +in a raving manner about Messrs. Whitfield and Wesley, +as though he was disordered in his mind by their preaching; +calling in a furious manner, every step, upon the Virgin +Mary, Pontius Pilate, and Mary Magdalene, and acting +every part of a man religiously mad; sometimes walking +with his eyes fixed upon the ground, and then on a sudden +he would break out in some passionate expressions about +religion. This behaviour greatly excited the curiosity and +compassion of the people; some of them talked to him, but +he answered everything they said in a wild and incoherent +manner; and, as compassion is generally the forerunner of +charity, he was relieved by most of them.</p> + +<p>Next morning he appeared in a morning gown, still acting +the madman, and addressed himself to all the posts of the +street, as if they were saints, lifting up his hands and eyes +to heaven, in a fervent but distracted manner, and making +use of so many extravagant gestures, that he astonished the +whole city. Going through Castle Street he met the Rev. +Mr. Bone, whom he accosted with his arms thrown around +him, and insisted, in a raving manner, he should tell him +who was the father of the morning star; which frightened +the parson so much, that he took to his heels and ran for it, +Carew running after him, till the parson was obliged to take +shelter in a house.</p> + +<p>Having well recruited his pocket by this stratagem, he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span> +left Bristol next day, and travelled towards Bath, acting the +madman all the way till he came to Bath: as soon as he came +there, he inquired for Dr. Coney's, and being directed to his +house, found two brother mendicants at the door. After +they had waited some time, the servant brought out each of +them a halfpenny, for which his brother mendicants were +very thankful. But Carew gave his halfpenny to one of +them; then knocking at the door, and the maid coming out +again, "Tell your master," says he, "I am not a halfpenny +man, but that my name is Bamfylde Moore Carew, king of +the mendicants;" which being told, the doctor came out +with one of his daughters and gave him sixpence and a mug +of drink, for which he returned them thanks.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carew happening to be in the city of Wells on a +Sunday, was told the bishop was to preach that morning, +on which he slipped on a black waistcoat and morning gown, +and ran out to meet the bishop as he was walking in procession, +and addressed himself to him as a poor unhappy man, +whose misfortunes had turned his brains; which the bishop +hearing gave him half-a-crown.</p> + +<p>It was in Newcastle-upon-Tyne that he became enamoured +with the daughter of Mr. Glady, an eminent apothecary +and surgeon there. This young lady had charms sufficient +to captivate the heart of any man susceptible of love; and +they made so deep an impression upon him, that they wholly +effaced every object which before had created any desire in +him, and never permitted any other to raise them afterwards; +for, wonderful to tell, we have, after about thirty years' enjoyment, +seen him lament her occasional absence, almost +with tears, and talk of her with all the fondness of one who +has been in love with her but three days. Our hero tried +all love's persuasions with his fair one in an honourable way, +and, as his person was very engaging and his appearance +genteel, he did not find her greatly averse to his proposals. +As he was aware that his being of the community of gipsies<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span> +might prejudice her against him, without examination, he +passed with her for the mate of a collier's vessel, in which he +was supported by Captain Lawn, in whose vessel they set +sail; and the very winds being willing to favour these +happy lovers, they had an exceedingly quick passage to +Dartmouth, where they landed. In a few days they set out +for Bath, where they lawfully solemnized their nuptials +with great gaiety and splendour; and nobody at that time +could conjecture who they were, which was the cause of +much speculation and false surmises.</p> + +<p>Some time after this he took his passage at Folkstone, in +Kent, for Boulogne, in France, where he arrived safe and +proceeded to Paris and other noted cities of that kingdom. +His habit was now tolerably good, his countenance grave, +his behaviour sober and decent—pretending to be a Roman +Catholic, who had left England, his native country, out of an +ardent zeal for spending his days in the bosom of the Catholic +church. This story readily gained belief: his zeal was universally +applauded, and handsome contributions made for +him. But, at the time he was so zealous a Roman Catholic, +with a little change of habit, he used to address those English +he heard of in any place, as a Protestant and shipwrecked seaman; +and had the good fortune to meet with an English +physician at Paris, to whom he told this deplorable tale, +who not only relieved him very handsomely, but recommended +him to that noble pattern of unexhausted benevolence, Mrs. +Horner, who was then on her travels, from whom he received +ten guineas, and from some other company with her five +more.</p> + +<p>It was about this time he became acquainted with the +Hon. Sir William Weem, in the following manner:—Being +at Watchett, in Somersetshire, near the seat of that +gentleman, he resolved to pay him a visit. Putting on, +therefore, a jacket and a pair of trousers, he made the best +of his way to Sir William's seat, and luckily met Sir William,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span> +Lord Bolingbroke, and several other gentlemen and clergy, +with some commanders of vessels, walking in the park. +Carew approached Sir William with a great deal of seeming +fearfulness and respect, and with much modesty acquainted +him he was a Silverton man, that he was the son of one of +his tenants named Moore—had been to Newfoundland, and +in his passage homeward, the vessel was run down by a +French ship in a fog, and only he and two more were +saved; but being put on board an Irish vessel, were carried +into Ireland, and from thence landed at Watchett. Sir +William hearing this, asked him a great many questions +concerning the inhabitants of Silverton, who were most of +them his own tenants, and of the principal gentlemen in the +neighbourhood; all whom Carew was well acquainted with +and therefore gave satisfactory answers. Sir William at +last asked him if he knew Bickley, and if he knew the +parson thereof. Carew replied that he knew him very well, +and so indeed he might as it was no other than his own +father. Sir William then inquired what family he had, and +whether he had not a son named Bamfylde, and what became +of him. "Your honour," replied he, "means the beggar +and dog-stealer—I don't know what has become of him, but +it is a wonder if he is not hanged by this time." "No, I +hope not," replied Sir William, "I should be glad, for his +family's sake, to see him at my house." Having satisfactorily +answered many other questions, Sir William generously +relieved him with a guinea, and Lord Bolingbroke followed +his example; the other gentlemen and clergy contributed +according to their different ranks. Sir William then ordered +him to go to his house and tell the butler to entertain him, +which he accordingly did, and set himself down with great +comfort.</p> + +<p>Having heard that young Lord Clifford, his first cousin +(who had just returned from his travels abroad), was at his +seat at Callington, about four miles from Bridgewater, he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span> +resolved to pay him a visit. In his way thither resided +parson Carson, who, being one whom nature had made up in +a hurry without a heart, Mr. Carew had never been able to +obtain anything off him, even under the most moving +appearance of distress, but a small cup of drink. Stopping +now in his way, he found the parson was gone to Lord +Clifford's; but, being saluted at the door by a fine black +spaniel, with almost as much crustiness as he would have +been had his master been at home, he thought himself under +no stronger obligation of observing the strict laws of honour, +than the parson did of hospitality; and therefore soon +charmed the crossness of the spaniel and made him follow +him to Bridgewater.</p> + +<p>Having secured the spaniel and passed the night merrily +at Bridgewater, he set out the next morning for Lord +Clifford's, and in his way called upon the parson again, +who very crustily told him he had lost his dog, and +supposed some of his gang had stolen him; to which Mr. +Carew very calmly replied, "What was he to his dog, or +what was his dog to him? if he would make him drink it +was well, for he was very dry." At last, with the use of +much rhetoric, he got a cup of small drink; then, taking +leave of him, he went to the Red Lion, in the same parish, +where he stayed some time. In the meantime, down ran the +parson to my Lord Clifford's, to acquaint him that Mr. Carew +was in the parish and to advise him to take care of his dogs; +so that Mr. Carew, coming down immediately after, found a +servant with one dog in his arms, and another with another, +here one stood whistling and another calling, and both my +lord and his brother were running about to seek after their +favourites.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carew asked my lord what was the meaning of this +hurry, and if his dogs were cripples, because he saw several +carried in the servants' arms, adding, he hoped his lordship +did not imagine he was come to steal any of them. Upon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span> +which his lordship told him, that parson Carson had advised +him to be careful, as he had lost his spaniel but the day +before. "It may be so," replied he, "the parson knows but +little of me, or the laws of our community, if he is ignorant +that with us ingratitude is unknown, and the property of +our friends always sacred." His lordship, hearing this, entertained +him very handsomely, and both himself and his +brother made him a present.</p> + +<p>On his return home, he reflected how idly he had spent +the prime of life; and recovering from a severe illness, he +came to a resolution of resigning the Egyptian sceptre. The +assembly, finding him determined, reluctantly acquiesced, +and he departed amidst the applause and sighs of his +subjects.</p> + +<p>Our adventurer, finding the air of the town not rightly to +agree with him, and the death of some of his relations rendering +his circumstances quite easy, he retired to the western +parts, to a neat purchase he had made, and there he ended his +days, beloved and esteemed by all; leaving his daughter (his +wife dying some time before him) a genteel fortune, who was +married to a neighbouring young gentleman.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span></p> + + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h5>THE</h5> +<h2>COMICAL SAYINGS</h2> +<h5>OF</h5> +<h1>PADDY FROM CORK</h1> +<h2>WITH HIS</h2> +<h3>COAT BUTTONED BEHIND</h3> + +<div class="center">Being an Elegant Conference between English Tom and +Irish Teague;</div> +<h4>WITH PADDY'S CATECHISM,</h4> +<div class="center">And his Supplication when a Mountain Sailor.</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<h2><span class="smcap">Part I.</span></h2> + + +<p><i>Tom.</i> GOOD morrow, sir. This is a very cold day.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, yesternight was a very cold +morning.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, brother traveller, of what nation art thou?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I came from my own kingdom.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Why, I know that; but where is thy kingdom?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Allelieu, dear honey, don't you know Cork in +Ireland?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> You fool, Cork is not a kingdom, but a city.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Then, dear shoy, I'm sure it is in a kingdom.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what is the reason you have come and left +your own dear country?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, by Shaint Patrick, they have got +such comical laws in our country that they will put a man +to death in perfect health; so, to be free and plain with you, +neighbour, I was obliged to come away, for I did not choose +to stay among such a people that can hang a poor man when +they please, if he either steals, robs, or kills a man.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Ay, but I take you to be more of an honest man +than to steal, rob, or kill a man.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Honest, I am perfectly honest. When I was but a +child my mother would have trusted me with a house full +of mill-stones.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> What was the matter? Was you guilty of +nothing?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I did harm to nobody, but +fancied an old gentleman's gun, and afterwards made it my +own.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Very well, boy, and did you keep it so?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Keep it? I would have kept it with all my heart +while I lived. Death itself could not have parted us; but +the old rogue, the gentleman, being a justice of peace himself, +had me tried for the rights of it, and how I came by it, +and so took it again.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you clear yourself without punishment?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I told him a parcel of lies, but they +would not believe me, for I said that I got it from my father +when it was a little pistol, and I had kept it till it had +grown a gun, and was designed to use it well until it had +grown a big cannon, and then sell it to the military. They +all fell a-laughing at me as I had been a fool, and bade me +go home to my mother and clean the potatoes.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> How long is it since you left your own country?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I do not mind whether it be a +fortnight or four months; but I think myself it is a long +time. They tell me my mother is dead since, but I won't +believe it until I get a letter from her own hand, for she is +a very good scholar, suppose she can neither write nor read.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Was you ever in England before?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, that I was, and in Scotland too.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And were they kind to you when you were in +Scotland?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> They were that kind that they kicked me, and the +reason was because I would not pay the whole of the liquor +that was drunk in the company, though the landlord and +his two sons got mouthful about of it all, and I told them +it was a trick upon travellers first to drink his liquor, and +then to kick him out of doors.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> I really think they have used you badly, but could +you not beat them.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> That's what I did, beat them all to their own contentment; +but there was one of them stronger than me who +would have killed me if the other two had not pulled me +away, and I had to run for it till his passion was over. +Then they made us drink and gree again; we shook hands, +and made a bargain never to harm other more; but this +bargain did not last long, for, as I was kissing his mouth, +by Shaint Patrick I bit his nose, which caused him to beat +me very sore for my pains.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, what calling was you when in Scotland?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, sir, I was no business at all, but what do you +call the green tree that's like a whin bush, people makes a +thing to sweep the house of it!</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> O, yes, Paddy, they call it the broom.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, ay, you have it, I was a gentleman's broom, +only waited on his horses, and washed the dishes for the +cook; and when my master rode a-hunting I went behind +with the dogs.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> O, yes, Paddy, it was the groom you mean. But I +fancy you was cook's mate or kitchen boy.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> No, no, it was the broom that I was; and if I had +stayed there till now I might have been advanced as high as +my master, for the ladies loved me so well that they laughed +at me.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> They might admire you for a fool.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> What, sir, do you imagine that I am not a fool?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span> +No, no; my master asked counsel of me in all his matters, and +I always give him a reason for everything. I told him one +morning that he went too soon to the hunting, that the +hares were not got out of their beds, and neither the barking +of horns nor the blowing of dogs could make them rise, it +was such a cold morning that night; so they all ran away +that we catched, when we did not see them. Then my +master told my words to several gentlemen that were at +dinner, and they admired me for want of judgment, for my +head was all of a lump, adding they were going a-fishing +along with my master and me in the afternoon; but I told +them that it was a very unhappy thing for any man to go +a-hunting in the morning and a-fishing in the afternoon. +They would try it, but they had better stayed at home, for it +came on a most terrible fine night of south-west rain, and +even down wind; so the fishes got all below the water to +keep themselves dry from the shower, and we catched them +all, but got none.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> How long did you serve that gentleman, Paddy?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I was with him six weeks, and +he beat me seven times.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> For what did he beat you? Was it for your +madness and foolish tricks?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear shoy, it was not, but for being too inquisitive, +and going sharply about business. First, he sent me to the +post office to inquire if there were any letters for him; so +when I came there, said I, "Is there any letters here for my +master to-day?" Then they asked who was my master. +"Sir," said I, "it is very bad manners in you to ask any +gentleman's name." At this they laughed, mocking me, and +said they could give me none if I would not tell my master's +name; so I returned to my master and told him the impudence +of the fellow, who would give me no letters unless I +would tell him your name, master. My master at this flew +in a passion, and kicked me down stairs, saying, "Go, you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span> +rogue, and tell my name directly. How can the gentleman +give letters when he knows not who is asking for them?" +Then I returned and told my master's name; so they told +me there was one for him. I looked at it, being very small, +and, asking the price of it, they told me it was sixpence. +"Sixpence," said I; "will you take sixpence for that small +thing, and selling bigger ones for twopence. Faith, I am not +such a big fool. You think to cheat me now. This is not a +conscionable way of dealing. I'll acquaint my master with +it first." So I came and told my master how they would +have sixpence for his letter, and was selling bigger ones for +twopence. He took up my head and broke his cane with +it, calling me a thousand fools, saying the man was more +just than to take anything but the right for it; but I was +sure there was none of them right, buying and selling such +dear pennyworths. So I came again for my dear sixpence +letter; and, as the fellow was shuffling through a parcel of +them, seeking for it again, to make the best of a dear +market, I picked up two, and home I comes to my master, +thinking he would be pleased with what I had done. +"Now," said I, "master, I think I have put a trick upon +them fellows for selling the letter to you." "What have +you done." "I have only taken other two letters. Here's +one for you, master, to help your dear penny-worth, and I'll +send the other to my mother to see whether she be dead or +alive, for she's always angry I don't write to her." I had +not the word well spoken till he got up his stick and beat +me heartily for it, and sent me back to the fellows again +with the two. I had a very ill will to go, but nobody would +buy them of me.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, I think you was to blame, and your +master, too, for he ought to have taught you how to go +about these affairs, and not beat you so.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I had too much wit of my own +to be teached by him, or anybody else. He began to in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span>struct +me after that how I should serve the table, and such +nasty things as those. One night I took ben a roasted fish +in one hand and a piece of bread in the other. The old +gentleman was so saucy he would not take it, and told me +I should bring nothing to him without a trencher below it. +The same night, as he was going to bed, he called for his +slippers; so I clapt a trencher below the slippers, and ben I +goes. No sooner did I enter the room than he threw the +trencher at me, which broke both my head and the trencher +at one blow. "Now," said I, "the evil one is in my master +altogether, for what he commands at one time he countermands +at another." Next day I went with him to the +market to buy a sack of potatoes. I went to the potato-monger, +and asked what he took for the full of a Scot's cog. +He weighed them in. He asked no less than fourpence. +"Fourpence!" said I; "if I were but in Dublin I could get +the double of that for nothing, and in Cork and Linsale far +cheaper. Them is but small things like pease," said I, "but +the potatoes in my country is as big as your head—fine +meat, all made up in blessed mouthfuls." The potato merchant +called me a liar, and my master called me a fool; so the +one fell a-kicking me and the other a-cuffing me. I was +in such bad bread among them that I called myself both a +liar and a fool to get off alive.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you carry your potatoes home from +the market?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I carried the horse and them both, +besides a big loaf, and two bottles of wine; for I put the +old horse on my back, and drove the potatoes before me; +and when I tied the load to the loaf, I had nothing to do +but to carry the bottle in my hand; but bad luck to the +way as I came home, for a nail out of the heel of my foot +sprung a leak in my brogue, which pricked the very bone, +bruised the skin, and made my brogue itself to blood; and I +having no hammer by me, but a hatchet I left at home, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span> +had to beat down the nail with the bottom of the bottle; +and by the book, dear shoy, it broke to pieces, and scattered +the wine in my mouth.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you recompense your master for the +loss of the bottle of wine?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I had a mind to cheat him, and +myself too, for I took the bottle to a blacksmith, and desired +him to mend it, that I might go to the butcher and get it full +of bloody water; but he told me he could not work in anything +but steel and iron. "Arra," said I, "if I were in my +own kingdom, I could get a blacksmith who would make a +bottle out of a stone, and a stone out of nothing."</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you trick your master out of it?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, the old rogue began to chide me, asking me +what way I broke it. Then I held up the other as high as +my head, and let it fall to the ground on a stone, which +broke it all to pieces likewise. "Now," said I, "master, +that's the way," and he beat me very heartily until I had to +shout out mercy and murder all at once.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Why did you not leave him when he used you so +badly?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I could never think to leave him +while I could eat; he gave me so many good victuals, and +promised to prefer me to be his own bone-picker. But, by +Shaint Patrick, I had to run away with my life or all was +done, else I had lost my dear shoul and body too by him, +and then come home much poorer than I went away. The +great big bitch dog, which was my master's best beloved, +put his head into a pitcher to lick out some milk, and +when it was in he could not get it out; and I, to save the +pitcher, got the hatchet and cut off the dog's head, and then +I had to break the pitcher to get out the head. By this I +lost both the dog and the pitcher. My master, hearing of +this, swore he would cut the head off me, for the poor +dog was made useless, and could not see to follow anybody<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span> +for want of his eyes. And when I heard of this, I ran away +with my own head, for, if I had wanted it, I had lost my +eyes too, then I would not have seen the road to Port +Patrick, through Glen-nap; but, by Shaint Patrick, I came +home alive in spite of them.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> O, rarely done, Paddy; you behaved like a man! +But what is the reason that you Irish people swear always +by Saint Patrick?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, he was the best shaint in the +world, the father of all good people in the kingdom. He +has a great kindness for an Irishman when he hears him +calling on his name.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> But, Paddy, is Saint Patrick yet alive?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I don't know whether he be dead +or alive, but it is a long time since they killed him. The +people all turned heathens, but he would not change his +profession, and was going to run the country with it, and +for taking the gospel away to England, so the barbarous +Tories of Dublin cutted off his head; and he swimmed over +to England, and carried his head in his teeth.</p> + +<h2><span class="smcap">Part II.</span></h2> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> How did you get safe out of Scotland?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> By the law, dear honey. When I came to Port +Patrick, and saw my own kingdom, I knew I was safe at +home, but I was clean dead, and almost drowned before I +could get riding over the water; for I, with nine passengers +more, leapt into a little young boat, having but four men +dwelling in a little house in the one end of it, which was all +thacked with deals; and, after they had pulled up her +tether-stick, and laid her long halter over her mane, they +pulled up a long sheet, like three pair of blankets, to the +rigging of the house, and the wind blew in that, which made +her gallop up one hill and down another, till I thought she +would have run to the world's end.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, and where did you go when you came +to Ireland again?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, and where did I go but to my +own dear cousin, who was now become very rich by the +death of the old buck, his father, who died but a few weeks +before I went over, and the parish had to bury him out of +pity; it did not cost him a farthing.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what entertainment did you get there?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> O, my dear shoy, I was kindly used as another +gentleman, and would have stayed there long enough, but +when a man is poor his friends think little of him. I told +him I was going to see my brother Harry. "Harry!" said +he, "Harry is dead." "Dead!" said I, "and who killed +him?" "Why," said he, "Death." "Allelieu, dear honey, +and where did he kill him?" said I. "In his bed," says he. +"Arra, dear honey," said I, "if he had been upon Newry +mountains, with his brogues on, and his broad sword by his +side, all the deaths in Ireland had not have killed him. O +that impudent fellow Death. If he had let him alone till he +died for want of butter milk and potatoes, I am sure he had +lived all the days of his life."</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> In all your travels when abroad, did you never see +none of your countrymen to inform you of what happened +at home concerning your relations?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I saw none but Tom Jack, one day +in the street; but when I came to him, it was not him, but +one just like him.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> On what account did you go a-travelling?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, a recruiting sergeant listed me to be a +captain, and after all advanced me no higher than a soldier +itself, but only he called me his dear countryman recruit, +for I did not know what the regiment was when I saw +them. I thought they were all gentlemen's sons and collegioners, +when I saw a box like a Bible upon their +bellies, until I saw G for King George upon it, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span> +R for God bless him. "Ho, ho," said I, "I shan't be +long here."</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> O, then, Paddy, you deserted from them?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> That's what I did, and ran to the mountains like a +buck, and ever since when I see any soldiers I close my +eyes, lest they should look and know me.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what exploits did you when you was a soldier?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I killed a man.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you do that?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, when he dropt his sword I drew +mine, and advanced boldly to him, and then cutted off his foot.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> O, then, what a big fool was you, for you ought +first to have cut off his head.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, his head was cutted off before I +engaged him, else I had not done it.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> O, then, Paddy, you acted like a fool; but you are +not such a big fool as many take you to be. You might +pass for a philosopher.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> A fulusipher. My father was a fulusipher; besides, +he was a man under great authority by law, condemning +the just and clearing the guilty. Do you know how they +call the horse's mother?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Why, they call her a mare.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> A mare, ay, very well minded. My father was a +mare in Cork.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what riches was left you by the death of your +mother?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> A bad luck to her own barren belly, for she lived in +great plenty, and died in great poverty; devoured up all or +she died, but two hens and a pockful of potatoes—a poor +estate for an Irish gentleman, in faith.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what did you make of the hens and potatoes? +Did you sow them?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I sowed them in my belly, and +sold the hens to a cadger.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> What business did your mother follow after?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Greatly in the merchant way.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what sort of goods did she deal in?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear honey, she went through the country and sold +small fishes, onions, and apples; bought hens and eggs, and +then hatched them herself. I remember of a long-necked +cock she had, of an oversea brood, that stood on the midden +and picked all the stars out of the north-west, so they were +never so thick there since.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Now, Paddy, that's a bull surpasses all; but is there +none of that cock's offspring alive now?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I don't think there are; but it is a +pity but that they had, for they would fly with people above +the sea, which would put the use of ships out of fashion, +and nobody would be drowned at all.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Very well, Paddy, but in all your travels did you +ever get a wife?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, that's what I did, and a wicked wife, too; and, +my dear shoy, I can't tell whether she is gone to Purgatory +or the parish of Pig-trantrum, for she told me she should +certainly die the first opportunity she could get, as this +present evil world was not worth the waiting on, so she +would go and see what good things is in the world to come; +so when that old rover called the Fever came raging over +the whole kingdom, she went away and died out of spite, +leaving me nothing.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> O, but, Paddy, you ought to have gone to a doctor, +and got some pills and physic for her.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> By Shaint Patrick, I had as good a pill of my own +as any doctor in the kingdom could give her.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> O, you fool, that is not what I mean. You ought +to have brought the doctor to feel her pulse, and let blood +off her if he thought it needful.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Yes, that's what I did, for I ran to the doctor whenever +she died, and sought something for a dead or dying<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span> +woman. The old foolish devil was at his dinner, and began +to ask me some stupid questions, and then kicked me down +stairs.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And in what good order did you bury your wife +when she died?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> O, my dear shoy, she was buried in all manner of +pomp, pride, and splendour—a fine coffin, with cords in it; +and within the coffin, along with herself, she got a pair of +new brogues, a penny candle, a good, hard-headed old hammer, +with an Irish sixpenny piece, to pay her passage at the gate, +and what more could she look for?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> I really think you gave her enough along with her, +but you ought to have cried for her, if it was no more but +to be in the fashion.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> And why should I cry without sorrow, when we +hired two criers to cry all the way before her to keep her in +the fashion?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what do they cry before a dead woman?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, they cry the common cry, or funeral lament, +that is used in our Irish country.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what manner of cry is that, Paddy?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear Tom, if you don't know I'll tell you. When +any person dies there is a number of criers goes before, +saying, "Luff, fuff, fou, allelieu, dear honey, what aileth +thee to die! It was not for want of good butter milk and +potatoes."</p> + +<h2><span class="smcap">Part III.</span></h2> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, and what did you do when your wife +died?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear honey, what would I do? Do you think I +was such a big fool as to die too? I am sure if I had I +would not have got fair play, when I am not so old yet as +my father was when he died.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> No, Paddy, it is not that I mean. Was you sorry, +or did you weep for her?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Weep for her! By Shaint Patrick, I would not +weep, nor yet be sorry, suppose my own mother and all the +women in Ireland had died seven years before I was born.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> What did you do with your children when she +died?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Do you imagine I was such a big fool as bury my +children alive along with a dead woman? Arra, dear honey, +we always commonly give nothing along with a dead person +but an old shirt, a winding sheet, a big hammer, with a long +candle, and an Irish silver threepenny piece.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Dear Paddy, and what do they make of all these +things?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Then, Tom, since you are so inquisitive, you must +go ask the priest.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> What did you make of your children, Paddy?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> And what should I make of them? Do you imagine +that I should give them into the hands of the butchers, as +they had been a parcel of young hogs. By Shaint Patrick, +I had more unnaturality in me than to put them in an +hospital as others do.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> No; I suppose you would leave them with your +friends?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, ay, a poor man's friends is sometimes worse +than a professed enemy. The best friend I ever had in the +world was my own pocket while my money lasted; but I +left two babes between the priest's door and the parish +church, because I thought it was a place of mercy, and then +set out for England in quest of another fortune.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> I fancy, Paddy, you came off with what they call a +moonshine flitting.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> You lie like a thief now, for I did not see sun, +moon, nor stars, all the night then, for I set out for Cork at +the dawn of night, and I had travelled twenty miles all +but twelve before gloaming in the morning.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And where did you go to take shipping?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I came to a country village called +Dublin, as big a city as any market town in all England, +where I got myself aboard of a little young boat with a +parcel of fellows and a long leather bag. I supposed them +to be tinklers, until I asked what they carried in that +leather sack. They told me it was the English mail they +were going over with. "Then," said I, "is the milns so +scant in England that they must send over their corn to +Ireland to grind it?" The comical, cunning fellows persuaded +me it was so. Then I went down to a little house +below the water, hard by the rigg-back of the boat, and +laid me down on their leather sack, where I slept myself +almost to death with hunger. And, dear Tom, to tell you +plainly, when I waked I did not know where I was, but +thought I was dead and buried, for I found nothing all +round me but wooden walls and timber above.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you come to yourself to know where +you was at last?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> By the law, dear shoy, I scratched my head in a +hundred parts, and then set me down to think upon it; so +I minded it was my wife that was dead, and not me, and +that I was alive in the young boat with the fellows that +carries over the English meal from the Irish milns.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Oh, then, Paddy, I am sure you was glad when you +found yourself alive?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I was very sure I was alive, but I +did not think to live long, so I thought it was better for me +to steal and be hanged than to live all my days and die +directly with hunger at last.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Had you no meat nor money along with you?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I gave all the money to the captain +of the house, or gudeman of the ship, to take me into the +sea or over to England; and when I was like to eat my +old brogues for want of victuals, I drew my hanger and cut +the lock of the leather sack to get a lick of their meal; but,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span> +allelieu, dear shoy, I found neither meal nor seeds, but a +parcel of papers and letters—a poor morsel for a hungry +man.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Oh, then, Paddy, you laid down your honesty for +nothing.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, ay, I was a great thief, but got nothing to +steal.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And how did you get victuals at last?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Allelieu, dear honey, the thoughts of meat and +drink, death and life, and everything else, was out of mind. +I had not a thought but one.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what was that, Paddy?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> To go down among the fishes and become a whale; +then I would have lived at ease all my days, having nothing +to do but to drink salt water and eat caller oysters.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> What was you like to be drowned again?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, ay, drowned, as cleanly drowned as a fish, for +the sea blew very loud, and the wind ran so high, that we +were all cast safe on shore, and not one of us drowned +at all.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Where did you go when you came on shore?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I was not able to go anywhere. +You might cast a knot on my belly, I was so hollow in the +middle, so I went into a gentleman's house and told him the +bad fortune I had of being drowned between Ireland and +the foot of his garden, where we came all safe ashore. But +all the comfort I got from him was a word of truth.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what was that, Paddy?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, he told me if I had been a good boy at home +I needed not to have gone so far to push my fortune with +an empty pocket, to which I answered, "And what magnifies +that so long as I am a good workman at no trade at all?"</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> I suppose, Paddy, the gentleman would make you +dine with him?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> I really thought I was when I saw them roasting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span> +and skinning so many black chickens, which was nothing +but a few dead crows they were going to eat. "Ho ho," +said I, "them is but dry meat at the best. Of all the fowls +that flee commend me to the wing of an ox; but all that +came to my share was a piece of boiled herring and a roasted +potato. That was the first bit of bread I ever ate in England."</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, what business did you follow after in +England when you was so poor?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> What, sir, do you imagine I was poor when I came +over on such an honourable occasion as to list, and bring +myself to no preferment at all? As I was an able-bodied +man in the face, I thought to be made a brigadeer, a grandedeer, +or a fuzeleer, or even one of them blew-gowns that +holds the fierry stick to the bung-hole of the big cannons +when they let them off to fright away the French. I was +as sure as no man alive ere I came from Cork, the least preferment +I could get was to be riding master to a regiment +of marines, or one of the black horse itself.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And where in England was it you listed?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I was going through a little +country village. The streets were very sore by reason of +the hardness of my feet and lameness of my brogues, so I +went but very slowly across the streets. From port to port +is a pretty long way; but I, being weary, thought nothing of +it. Then the people came all crowding to me as I had been +a world's wonder, or the wandering Jew, for the rain blew +in my face and the wind wetted all my belly, which caused me +to turn the back of my coat before and my buttons behind, +which was a good safeguard to my body, and the starvation +of my naked body, for I had not a good shirt.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> I am sure, then, Paddy, they would take you for a +fool?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> No, no, sir; they admired me for my wisdom, for I +always turned my buttons before when the wind blew<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span> +behind; but I wondered how the people knew my name +and where I came from, for every one told another that was +Paddy from Cork. I suppose they knew my face by seeing +my name in the newspapers.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, what business did you follow in the +village?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> To be sure I was not idle, working at nothing at +all, till a decruiting sergeant came to town with two or +three fellows along with him, one beating on a fiddle, and +another playing on a drum, tossing their airs through the +streets, as if they were going to be married. I saw them +courting none but young men, so, to bring myself to no +preferment at all, I listed for a soldier. I was too big for a +grandedeer.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> What listing money did you get, Paddy?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I got five thirteens and a pair of +English brogues. The guinea, and the rest of the gold, was +sent to London to the King, my master, to buy me new +shirts, a cockade, and common treasing for my hat. They +made me swear the malicious oath of devilry against the +king, the colours, and my captain, telling me if ever I desert +and not run away that I should be shot, and then whipt to +death through the regiment.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> No, Paddy; it is first whipt, and then shot, you +mean.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, it is all one thing at last; but it is +best to be shot and then whipt—the cleverest way to die +I'll warrant you.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> How much pay did you get, Paddy?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Do you know the little tall fat sergeant that feed +me to be a soldier?</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And how should I know them I never saw, you +fool?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear shoy, you may know him whether you see +him or not. His face is all bored in holes with the smallpox,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span> +his nose is the colour of a lobster-toe, and his chin like +a well washen potato. He's the biggest rogue in our kingdom. +You'll know him when you meet him again. The +rogue height me sixpence a day, kill or no kill; and when I +laid Sunday and Saturday both together, and all the days +in one day, I can't make a penny above fivepence of it.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> You should have kept an account, and asked your +arrears once a month.</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> That's what I did, but he reads a paternoster out +of his prayer book, wherein all our names are written; so +much for a stop-hold to my gun, to bucklers, to a pair of +comical harn-hose, with leather buttons from top to toe; +and, worst of all, he would have no less than a penny a +week to a doctor. "Arra," said I, "I never had a sore +finger, nor yet a sick toe, all the days of my life; then +what have I to do with the doctor, or the doctor to do with +me."</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And did he make you pay all these things?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Ay, ay, pay and better pay: he took me before his +captain, who made me pay all was in his book. "Arra, +master captain," said I, "you are a comical sort of a fellow +now; you might as well make me pay for my coffin before +I be dead, as to pay for a doctor before I be sick;" to which +he answered in a passion, "Sir," said he, "I have seen +many a better man buried without a coffin;" "Sir," said I, +"then I'll have a coffin, die when I will, if there be as much +wood in all the world, or I shall not be buried at all." Then +he called for the sergeant, saying, "You, sir, go and buy that +man's coffin, and put it in the store till he die, and stop sixpence +a week off his pay for it." "No, no, sir," said I, "I'll +rather die without a coffin, and seek none when I'm dead, +but if you are for clipping another sixpence off my pay, +keep it all to yourself, and I'll swear all your oaths of agreement +we had back again, and then seek soldiers where you +will."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> O then, Paddy, how did you end the matter?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, by the nights of Shaint Patrick +and help of my brogues, I both ended it and mended it, for +the next night before that, I gave them leg bail for my +fidelity, and went about the country a fortune-teller, dumb +and deaf as I was not.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> How old was you, Paddy, when you was a soldier +last?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear honey, I was three dozen all but two, +and it is only two years since, so I want only four years of +three dozen yet, and when, I live six dozen more, I'll be +older than I am, I warrant you.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> O but, Paddy, by your account you are three dozen +of years old already:</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> O what for a big fool are you now, Tom, when you +count the years I lay sick; which time I count no time at +all.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">PADDY'S NEW CATECHISM.</span></h3> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Of all the opinions professed in religion tell me +now, Paddy, of what profession art thou?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, my religion was too weighty a +matter to carry out of mine own country: I was afraid that +you English Presbyterians should pluck it away from me.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> What, Paddy, was your religion such a load that +you could not carry it along with you?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Yes, that it was, but I carried it always about with +me when at home, my sweet cross upon my dear breast, +bound to my dear button hole.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what manner of worship did you perform by +that?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, I adored the cross, the pope, and the priest, +cursed Oliver as black as crow, and swears myself a cut +throat against all Protestants and church of Englandmen.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what is the matter but you would be a church +of Englandmen, or a Scotch Presbyterian yourself, Paddy?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Because it is unnatural for an Irishman: but had +Shaint Patrick been a Presbyterian, I had been the same.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And for what reason would you be a Presbyterian +then, Paddy?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Because they have liberty to eat flesh in lent, and +everything that's fit for the belly.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> What, Paddy, are you such a lover of flesh that you +would change your profession for it?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> O yes, that's what I would. I love flesh of all +kinds, sheep's beef, swine's mutton, hare's flesh, and hen's +venison; but our religion is one of the hungriest in all the +world, ah! but it makes my teeth to weep, and my stomach +to water, when I see the Scotch Presbyterians, and English +churchmen, in time of lent, feeding upon bulls' and sheep's +young children.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> What reward will you get when you are dead, for +punishing your stomach so while you are alive?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> By Shaint Patrick I'll live like a king when I'm +dead, for I will neither pay for meat nor drink.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> What, Paddy, do you think that you are to come +alive again when you are dead?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> O yes, we that are true Roman Catholics will live +a long time after we are dead; when we die in love with the +priests, and the good people of our profession.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what assurance can your priest give you of that?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, our priest is a great shaint, a good +shoul, who can repeat a paternoster and Ave Maria, which +will fright the very horned devil himself, and make him run +for it, until he be like to fall and break his neck.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what does he give you when you are dying? +that makes you come alive again?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Why, he writes a letter upon our tongues, sealed +with a wafer, gives us a sacrament in our mouth, with a +pardon, and direction in our right hand, who to call for at +the ports of Purgatory.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what money design you to give the priest for +your pardon?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear shoy, I wish I had first the money he would +take for it, I would rather drink it myself, and then give +him both my bill and my honest word, payable in the other +world.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And how then are you to get a passage to the other +world, or who is to carry you there?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> O, my dear shoy, Tom, you know nothing of the +matter: for when I die, they will bury my body, flesh, +blood, dirt, and bones, only my skin will be blown up full +of wind and spirit, my dear shoul I mean; and then I will +be blown over to the other world on the wings of the wind; +and after that I'll never be killed, hanged, nor drowned, nor +yet die in my bed, for when any hits me a blow, my new +body will play buff upon it like a bladder.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> But what way will you go to the new world, or +where is it?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, the priest knows where it is, but +I do not, but the Pope of Rome keeps the outer-port, Shaint +Patrick the inner-port, and gives us a direction of the way +to Shaint Patrick's palace, which stands on the head of the +Stalian loch, where I'll have no more to do but chap at the +gate.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> What is the need for chapping at the gate, is it not +always open?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Dear shoy, you know little about it, for there is +none can enter but red hot Irishmen, for when I call Allelieu, +dear honey, Shaint Patrick countenance your own dear +countryman if you will, then the gates will be opened +directly for me, for he knows and loves an Irishman's voice, +as he loves his own heart.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> And what entertainment will you get when you +are in?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> O, my dear, we are all kept there until a general<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span> +review, which is commonly once in the week; and then we +are drawn up like as many young recruits, and all the blackguard +scoundrels is picked out of the ranks, and one half of +them is sent away to the Elysian fields, to curry the weeds +from among the potatoes, the other half of them to the River +sticks, to catch fishes for Shaint Patrick's table, and them +that is owing the priests any money is put in the black +hole, and then given to the hands of a great black bitch of a +devil, which is keeped for a hangman, who whips them up +and down the smoky dungeon every morning for six +months.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> Well, Paddy, are you to do as much justice to a +Protestant as a Papist?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> O, my dear shoy, the most justice we are commanded +to do a Protestant, is to whip and torment them +until they confess themselves in the Romish faith; and then +cut their throats that they may die believers.</p> + +<p><i>Tom.</i> What business do you follow after at present?</p> + +<p><i>Teag.</i> Arra, dear shoy, I am a mountain sailor and my +supplication is as follows—</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">PADDY'S HUMBLE PETITION, OR SUPPLICATION.</span></h3> + +<p>Good Christian people, behold me a man! who has com'd +through a world of wonders, a hell full of hardships, dangers +by sea, and dangers by land, and yet I am alive; you may +see my hand crooked like a fowl's foot, and that is no +wonder at all considering my sufferings and sorrows. Oh! +oh! oh! good people. I was a man in my time who had +plenty of the gold, plenty of the silver, plenty of the clothes, +plenty of the butter, the beer, beef, and biscuit. And now +I have nothing: being taken by the Turks and relieved by +the Spaniards, lay sixty-six days at the siege of Gibraltar, +and got nothing to eat but sea wreck and raw mussels; put +to sea for our safety, cast upon the Barbarian coast, among +the wicked Algerines, where we were taken and tied with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span> +tugs and tadders, horse locks, and cow chains: then cut and +castcate yard and testicle quite away, put in your hand and +feel how every female's made smooth by the sheer bone, +where nothing is to be seen but what is natural. Then +made our escape to the desart wild wilderness of Arabia; +where we lived among the wild asses, upon wind, sand, and +sapless ling. Afterwards put to sea in the hull of an old +house, where we were tossed above and below the clouds, +being driven through thickets and groves by fierce, coarse, +calm, and contrary winds: at last, was cast upon Salisbury +plains, where our vessel was dashed to pieces against a cabbage +stock. And now my humble petition to you, good +Christian people, is for one hundred of your beef, one +hundred of your butter, another of your cheese, a cask of +your biscuit, a tun of your beer, a keg of your rum, with a +pipe of your wine, a lump of your gold, a piece of your +silver, a few of your half-pence or farthings, a waught of +your butter milk, a pair of your old breeches, stockings, or +shoes, even a chaw of tobacco for charity's sake.</p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h2>THE HISTORY</h2> + +<h5>OF</h5> + +<h1>DICK WHITTINGTON</h1> + +<h5>AND</h5> + +<h1>HIS CAT.</h1> + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<div class="center">In the reign of the famous King Edward the Third, there +was a little boy called Dick Whittington, whose father and +mother died when he was very young, so that he remembered +nothing at all about them, and was left a dirty little<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span> +fellow running about a country village. As poor Dick was +not old enough to work, he was in a sorry plight. He got +but little for his dinner, and sometimes nothing at all for his +breakfast, for the people who lived in the village were very +poor themselves, and could spare him little more than the +parings of potatoes, and now and then a hard crust.</div> + +<p>For all this, Dick Whittington was a very sharp boy, and +was always listening to what every one talked about.</p> + +<p>On Sundays he never failed to get near the farmers, as +they sat talking on the tombstones in the churchyard before +the parson was come; and once a week you might be sure +to see little Dick leaning against the sign-post of the village +ale-house, where people stopped to drink as they came from +the next market town; and whenever the barber's shopdoor +was open Dick listened to all the news he told his +customers.</p> + +<p>In this manner Dick heard of the great city called +London; how the people who lived there were all fine +gentlemen and ladies; that there were singing and music +in it all day long; and that the streets were paved all over +with gold.</p> + +<p>One day a waggoner, with a large waggon and eight +horses, all with bells at their heads, drove through the +village while Dick was lounging near his favourite sign-post. +The thought immediately struck him that it must be +going to the fine town of London; and taking courage he +asked the waggoner to let him walk with him by the side +of the waggon. The man, hearing from poor Dick that he +had no parents, and seeing by his ragged condition that he +could not be worse off, told him he might go if he would; +so they set off together.</p> + +<p>Dick got safe to London; and so eager was he to see the +fine streets, paved all over with gold that he ran as fast as +his legs would carry him through several streets, expecting +every moment to come to those that were all paved with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span> +gold, for Dick had three times seen a guinea in his own +village, and observed what a great deal of money it brought +in change; so he imagined he had only to take up some +little bits of the pavement to have as much money as he +desired.</p> + +<p>Poor Dick ran till he was tired, and at last, finding it +grow dark, and that whichever way he turned he saw +nothing but dirt instead of gold, he sat down in a dark +corner and cried himself asleep.</p> + +<p>Little Dick remained all night in the streets; and next +morning, finding himself very hungry, he got up and walked +about, asking those he met to give him a halfpenny to keep +him from starving; but nobody stayed to answer him, and +only two or three gave him anything, so that the poor boy +was soon in the most miserable condition. Being almost +starved to death, he laid himself down at the door of one +Mr. Fitzwarren, a great rich merchant. Here he was soon +perceived by the cook-maid, who was an ill-tempered +creature, and happened just then to be very busy dressing +dinner for her master and mistress; so, seeing poor Dick, +she called out, "What business have you there, you lazy +rogue? There is nothing else but beggars; if you do not +take yourself away, we will see how you will like a sousing +of some dish water I have here that is hot enough to make +you caper."</p> + +<p>Just at this time Mr. Fitzwarren himself came home from +the city to dinner, and, seeing a dirty, ragged boy lying at +the door, said to him, "Why do you lie there, my lad? You +seem old enough to work. I fear you must be somewhat +idle." "No, indeed, sir," says Whittington, "that is not +true, for I would work with all my heart, but I know +nobody, and I believe I am very sick for want of food."</p> + +<p>"Poor fellow!" answered Mr. Fitzwarren.</p> + +<p>Dick now tried to rise, but was obliged to lie down again, +being too weak to stand, for he had not eaten anything for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span> +three days, and was no longer able to run about and beg a +halfpenny of people in the streets; so the kind merchant +ordered that he should be taken into his house, and have a +good dinner immediately, and that he should be kept to do +what dirty work he was able for the cook.</p> + +<p>Little Dick would have lived very happily in this worthy +family had it not been for the crabbed cook, who was finding +fault and scolding him from morning till night, and was +withal so fond of roasting and basting that, when the spit +was out of her hands, she would be at basting poor Dick's +head and shoulders with a broom, or anything else that +happened to fall in her way, till at last her ill-usage of him +was told to Miss Alice, Mr. Fitzwarren's daughter, who +asked the ill-tempered creature if she was not ashamed to +use a little friendless boy so cruelly; and added she would +certainly be turned away if she did not treat him with more +kindness.</p> + +<p>But though the cook was so ill-tempered, Mr. Fitzwarren's +footman was quite the contrary. He had lived in the family +many years, was rather elderly, and had once a little boy of +his own, who died when about the age of Whittington, so +he could not but feel compassion for the poor boy.</p> + +<p>As the footman was very fond of reading, he used generally +in the evening to entertain his fellow-servants, when +they had done their work, with some amusing book. The +pleasure our little hero took in hearing him made him very +much desire to learn to read too; so the next time the good-natured +footman gave him a halfpenny, he bought a hornbook +with it; and, with a little of his help, Dick soon +learned his letters, and afterwards to read.</p> + +<p>About this time Miss Alice was going out one morning +for a walk, and the footman happening to be out of the +way, little Dick, who had received from Mr. Fitzwarren a +neat suit of clothes to go to church on Sundays, was ordered +to put them on, and walk behind her. As they walked<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span> +along, Miss Alice, seeing a poor woman with one child in +her arms and another at her back, pulled out her purse, and +gave her some money; and, as she was putting it again into +her pocket, she dropped it on the ground, and walked on. +Luckily Dick, who was behind, saw what she had done, +picked it up, and immediately presented it to her.</p> + +<p>Besides the ill-humour of the cook, which now, however, +was somewhat mended, Whittington had another hardship +to get over. This was, that his bed, which was of flock, +was placed in a garret, where there were so many holes in +the floor and walls that he never went to bed without being +awakened in his sleep by great numbers of rats and mice, +which generally ran over his face, and made such a noise +that he sometimes thought the walls were tumbling down +about him.</p> + +<p>One day a gentleman who paid a visit to Mr. Fitzwarren +happened to have dirtied his shoes, and begged they might +be cleaned. Dick took great pains to make them shine, and +the gentleman gave him a penny. This he resolved to lay +out in buying a cat, if possible; and the next day, seeing a +little girl with a cat under her arm, he went up to her, +and asked if she would let him have it for a penny, to +which the girl replied she would with all her heart, for her +mother had more cats than she could maintain, adding that +the one she had was an excellent mouser.</p> + +<p>This cat Whittington hid in the garret, always taking +care to carry her a part of his dinner; and in a short time +he had no further disturbance from the rats and mice, but +slept as sound as a top.</p> + +<p>Soon after this the merchant, who had a ship ready to +sail, richly laden, and thinking it but just that all his +servants should have some chance for good luck as well as +himself, called them into the parlour, and asked them what +commodity they chose to send.</p> + +<p>All mentioned something they were willing to venture<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span> +but poor Whittington, who, having no money nor goods, +could send nothing at all, for which reason he did not come +in with the rest; but Miss Alice, guessing what was the +matter, ordered him to be called, and offered to lay down +some money for him from her own purse; but this, the +merchant observed, would not do, for it must be something +of his own.</p> + +<p>Upon this, poor Dick said he had nothing but a cat, +which he bought for a penny that was given him.</p> + +<p>"Fetch thy cat, boy," says Mr. Fitzwarren, "and let +her go."</p> + +<p>Whittington brought poor puss, and delivered her to +the captain with tears in his eyes, for he said, "He +should now again be kept awake all night by the rats and +mice."</p> + +<p>All the company laughed at the oddity of Whittington's +adventure; and Miss Alice, who felt the greatest pity for +the poor boy, gave him some half-pence to buy another +cat.</p> + +<p>This, and several other marks of kindness shown him by +Miss Alice, made the ill-tempered cook so jealous of the +favours the poor boy received that she began to use him +more cruelly than ever, and constantly made game of him +for sending his cat to sea, asking him if he thought it would +sell for as much money as would buy a halter.</p> + +<p>At last the unhappy little fellow, being unable to bear +this treatment any longer, determined to run away from +his place. He accordingly packed up the few things that +belonged to him, and set out very early in the morning on +Allhallow Day, which is the first of November. He travelled +as far as Holloway, and there sat down on a stone, which +to this day is called Whittington's Stone, and began to consider +what course he should take.</p> + +<p>While he was thus thinking what he could do, Bow Bells, +of which there were then only six, began to ring, and it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span> +seemed to him that their sounds addressed him in this +manner—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">"Turn again, Whittington,</span> +<span class="i4"> Lord Mayor of London."</span> +</div></div> + + +<p>"Lord Mayor of London!" says he to himself. "Why, +to be sure, I would bear anything to be Lord Mayor of +London, and ride in a fine coach! Well, I will go back, and +think nothing of all the cuffing and scolding of old Cicely +if I am at last to be Lord Mayor of London."</p> + +<p>So back went Dick, and got into the house, and set about +his business before Cicely came down stairs.</p> + +<p>The ship, with the cat on board, was long beaten about +at sea, and was at last driven by contrary winds on a part +of the coast of Barbary, inhabited by Moors that were +unknown to the English.</p> + +<p>The natives in this country came in great numbers, out +of curiosity, to see the people on board, who were all of so +different a colour from themselves, and treated them with +great civility, and, as they became better acquainted, showed +marks of eagerness to purchase the fine things with which +the ship was laden.</p> + +<p>The captain, seeing this, sent patterns of the choicest +articles he had to the king of the country, who was so much +pleased with them that he sent for the captain and his chief +mate to the palace. Here they were placed, as is the custom +of the country, on rich carpets flowered with gold and silver; +and, the king and queen being seated at the upper end of +the room, dinner was brought in, which consisted of the +greatest rarities. No sooner, however, were the dishes +set before the company than an amazing number of rats +and mice rushed in, and helped themselves plentifully from +every dish, scattering pieces of flesh and gravy all about the +room.</p> + +<p>The captain, extremely astonished, asked if these vermin +were not very offensive.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Oh, yes," said they, "very offensive; and the king +would give half his treasure to be free of them, for they +not only destroy his dinner, but they disturb him even in +his chamber, so that he is obliged to be watched while he +sleeps."</p> + +<p>The captain, who was ready to jump for joy, remembering +poor Whittington's hard case, and the cat he had entrusted +to his care, told him he had a creature on board his ship +that would kill them all.</p> + +<p>The king was still more overjoyed than the captain. +"Bring this creature to me," says he; "and if she can really +perform what you say I will load your ship with wedges of +gold in exchange for her."</p> + +<p>Away flew the captain, while another dinner was providing, +to the ship, and, taking puss under his arm, returned +to the palace in time to see the table covered with rats and +mice, and the second dinner in a fair way to meet with the +same fate as the first.</p> + +<p>The cat, at sight of them, did not wait for bidding, but +sprang from the captain's arms, and in a few moments laid +the greatest part of the rats and mice dead at her feet, while +the rest, in the greatest fright imaginable, scampered away +to their holes.</p> + +<p>The king, having seen and considered of the wonderful +exploits of Mrs. Puss, and being informed she would soon +have young ones, which might in time destroy all the rats +and mice in the country, bargained with the captain for his +whole ship's cargo, and afterwards agreed to give a prodigious +quantity of wedges of gold, of still greater value, for +the cat, with which, after taking leave of their Majesties, +and other great personages belonging to the court, he, with +all his ship's company, set sail, with a fair wind, for England, +and, after a happy voyage, arrived safely in the port +of London.</p> + +<p>One morning Mr. Fitzwarren had just entered his counting-house,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span> +and was going to seat himself at the desk, when +who should arrive but the captain and mate of the merchant +ship, the Unicorn, just arrived from the coast of Barbary, +and followed by several men, bringing with them a prodigious +quantity of wedges of gold that had been paid by +the King of Barbary in exchange for the merchandise, and +also in exchange for Mrs. Puss. Mr. Fitzwarren, the instant +he heard the news, ordered Whittington to be called, and, +having desired him to be seated, said, "Mr. Whittington, +most heartily do I rejoice in the news these gentlemen have +brought you, for the captain has sold your cat to the King +of Barbary, and brought you in return more riches than +I possess in the whole world; and may you long enjoy +them!"</p> + +<p>Mr. Fitzwarren then desired the men to open the immense +treasures they had brought, and added that Mr. Whittington +had now nothing to do but to put it in some place +of safety.</p> + +<p>Poor Dick could scarce contain himself for joy. He +begged his master to take what part of it he pleased, since +to his kindness he was indebted for the whole. "No, no, +this wealth is all your own, and justly so," answered Mr. +Fitzwarren; "and I have no doubt you will use it generously."</p> + +<p>Whittington, however, was too kind-hearted to keep all +himself; and accordingly made a handsome present to the +captain, the mate, and every one of the ship's company, +and afterwards to his excellent friend the footman, and the +rest of Mr. Fitzwarren's servants, not even excepting crabbed +old Cicely.</p> + +<p>After this, Mr. Fitzwarren advised him to send for trades +people, and get himself dressed as became a gentleman, and +made him the offer of his house to live in till he could provide +himself with a better.</p> + +<p>When Mr. Whittington's face was washed, his hair curled,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span> +his hat cocked, and he was dressed in a fashionable suit of +clothes, he appeared as handsome and genteel as any young +man who visited at Mr. Fitzwarren's; so that Miss Alice, +who had formerly thought of him with compassion, now +considered him as fit to be her lover; and the more so, no +doubt, because Mr. Whittington was constantly thinking +what he could do to oblige her, and making her the prettiest +presents imaginable.</p> + +<p>Mr. Fitzwarren, perceiving their affection for each other, +proposed to unite them in marriage, to which, without +difficulty, they each consented; and accordingly a day for +the wedding was soon fixed, and they were attended to +church by the lord mayor, the court of aldermen, the +sheriffs, and a great number of the wealthiest merchants in +London; and the ceremony was succeeded by a most elegant +entertainment and splendid ball.</p> + +<p>History tells us that the said Mr. Whittington and his +lady lived in great splendour, and were very happy; that +they had several children; that he was sheriff of London in +the year 1340, and several times afterwards lord mayor; that +in the last year of his mayoralty he entertained King Henry +the Fifth on his return from the battle of Agincourt. And +sometime afterwards, going with an address from the city +on one of his Majesty's victories, he received the honour +of knighthood.</p> + +<p>Sir Richard Whittington constantly fed great numbers +of the poor. He built a church and college to it, with a +yearly allowance to poor scholars, and near it erected an +hospital.</p> + +<p>The effigy of Sir Richard Whittington was to be seen, +with his cat in his arms, carved in stone, over the archway +of the late prison of Newgate that went across Newgate +Street.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>THE</b></span></div> +<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>MAD PRANKS</b></span></div> +<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF</b></span></div> +<div class="center"><span class="xl"><b>TOM TRAM,</b></span></div> +<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>SON IN LAW</b></span></div> +<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>TO</b></span></div> +<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>MOTHER WINTER.</b></span></div> +<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>TO WHICH ARE ADDED</b></span></div> +<div class="center"><b>HIS MERRY JESTS</b></div> +<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>AND</b></span></div> +<div class="center"><b>PLEASANT TALES.</b></div> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>A merry Jest betwixt old Mother Winter and her +Son-in-Law Tom.</i></div> + + +<p>There was an old woman named Mother Winter that had +but one son-in-law, and his name was Tom; and though he +was at man's estate, yet would do nothing but what he +listed, which grieved his old mother to the heart. Upon a +time being in the market, she heard a proclamation, "That +those that would not work should be whipped." At which +the old woman leapt, and with great joy home she comes +meets with her son, and tells him the mayor of the town had +made a decree, which was, "That all those that would not +work should be whipped." "Has he so," says he, "marry, +my blessing on his heart; for my part, I'll not break the +decree." So the old woman left her son, and went again to +the market; she was no sooner gone but her son looks into +the stone pots, which she kept small beer in; and when he +saw that the beer did not work, he takes the pot, strips off<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span> +his doublet, and with a carter's whip he lays on them as +hard as he could drive. The people who saw him do it, told +his mother what he had done; which made the old woman +cry out, "O! that young knave will be hanged." So in that +tone home she goes. Her son seeing her, came running and +foaming at the mouth to meet her, and told her, that he had +broke both the pots; which made the old woman to say, +"O thou villain! what hast thou done?" "O mother," +quoth he, "you told me it was proclaimed, 'That all those +that would not work must be whipped'; and I have often +seen our pots work so hard, that they have foamed so much +at the mouth, that they befouled all the house where they +stood; but these two lazy knaves," said he, "told me, that +they did never work, nor never meant to work; and therefore," +quoth he, "I have whipped them to death, to teach +the rest of their fellows to work, or never look me in the +face again."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Another Jest of old Mother Winter and her Son Tom.</i></div> + + +<p>Upon a time Mother Winter sent her son Tom into the +market to buy her a penny-worth of soap, and gave him +twelvepence, and charged him to bring it home safe. Tom +told her it should be so; and to that end it should be safe +brought home, according to his mother's charge, he goes and +buys a penny-worth of soap, and hired two men with a hand-barrow +to carry the soap, and four men with brown bills to +guard it along to her, giving them the elevenpence for their +pains, which made his mother in great fury go to the mayor +of the town, who committed him to prison. Now, the prison +window joining close to the mayor's chamber window, Tom +and some other merry prisoners like himself, getting a cup +of good liquor in their heads, began to sing and roar and +domineer, insomuch that the mayor heard them that night, +and charged them they should leave off drinking and singing +of loose songs, and sing good psalms. Tom told him that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span> +he should hear that he would amend his life if he would +pardon his fault. The mayor said that for their misdemeanours, +they should be that night in prison, and upon amendment, +being neighbours, he would release them in the +morning. They thanked the mayor, and Tom Tram prevailed +so far with a friend of his that he borrowed three +shillings; which three shillings he spent upon his fellow-prisoners, +which made the poor men be ruled by him, and +do what he enjoined them to do; so when the mayor was +gone to bed, the prison window as before observed, being +close to the chamber-window, they began to sing psalms so +loud that the mayor could take no rest, which made him +cause one of his servants forbid them leave off singing. Tom +Tram said that it was the mayor's good counsel that they +should sing psalms, and sing they would, as long as they +lived three. Which made the mayor bid the jailer turn +them out of prison, without paying their fees.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Tom served his Hostess and a Tobacco Seller—being +another of his Jests.</i></div> + + +<p>It happened that Tom was sent on an errand forty miles +from his abode, over heaths and plains, where having +dispatched his business, he chanced to be lodged in a room +that opened into a yard, where his hostess kept many +turkeys, which Tom seeing he thrusts pins into two of their +heads and in the night they died. The woman in the morning +wondered how the fowls should come to die. Tom persuaded +her that there was a great sickness where he dwelt +amongst all manner of fowls, and wished his hostess to fling +them away, which she did. Tom watched where she flung +them, and when he took his leave of his hostess, it was at +such a time when she was busy setting bread into the oven, +so that he was sure she could not look after him. So he +goes and wraps the turkeys in his coat, and away he runs; +but finding his two turkeys heavy, he sees a man that sold<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span> +tobacco up and down the country at the foot of a hill, +when he alighted to lead his horse down the hill, at the +bottom of which he falls down, and lies crying as if he had +broken one of his legs, and makes to the man a most piteous +lamentation; that he was six or seven miles from any town, +there being no house near; and that he was like to perish +for want of succour. The man asked where he dwelt. He +said with a knight, to whom Tom did live as a jester. The +man knowing the knight, and thinking Tom's leg had +really been broken, with much ado lifted him upon +the horse. When Tom was mounted, he prayed the man +to give him his master's turkeys. Tom made the horse +to gallop away, crying out, "I shall be killed! I shall +be killed! O my leg! What shall I do! O my leg!" +The man seeing him gone, stood in amaze, and knew +not what to think; nevertheless, he durst not leave his +turkeys behind him, for fear of displeasing the knight, +but carried them lugging along fretting and swearing in his +boots, till he came to the next town, where he hired a horse +to overtake Tom, but could not, until he came to the knight's +house, where Tom stood to attend his coming, looking out at +the window. When the man alighted, Tom then called to +him so loud, that most of the house heard him. "O," said +he, "now I see thou art an honest man, I had thought you had +set me, upon your headstrong horse, on purpose to deceive +me of my turkeys." The man replied, "A pox take you and +your turkeys, for I never was played the knave with so in +my life; I hope you will pay for the hire of the horse, +which I was forced to borrow to follow you withal." "That +I will," said Tom, "with all my heart."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Tom paid the Man for his Horse Hire.</i></div> + + +<p>Tom asked the man what way he intended to travel. +"Marry," said the man, "I must go back with the horse I +have hired." Quoth Tom, "What did you give for the hire<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span> +of him?" Said the man, "I gave five shillings." "Well," +said Tom, "I will set you to the next public-house, and then +we will eat one of the turkeys, and I will bring you in good +silver the five shillings for the horse hire." The place +appointed being two miles off, Tom appoints three or four +of his companions to meet him, who did not fail, for they +were there before Tom and his friend, who came riding upon +the horses—Tom upon the hired horse, and the man upon +his own. Tom alighted, and called the hostler to set up his +horse, and to give him oats enough, and caused a turkey to +be roasted with all possible haste, which, according as he +commanded, was performed. But Tom whispered to his +consorts, and wished them to ply the man with drink; while +he, in the meantime, went to the host and told him they +came to be merry, and money was short with him and +desired he would lend him ten shillings upon his horse. +The host having so good a pawn, lent it him, knowing it +would be spent in his house. So Tom went and gave the +man five shillings for the hire of the horse, and spends the +other five shillings freely upon him. By that time the day +was pretty nigh spent, so that the man could get no further +that night, but Tom and his companions took their leaves +and returned home, and the man went his way to bed little +suspecting the trick Tom had put upon him. In the morning +the man rising betimes, thinking to be gone, could have +but one horse unless he paid ten shillings, for Tom had left +word with his host, that paying the money he should have +both horses. The man seeing himself cozened again by Tom, +paid the ten shillings, and wished all such cheating knaves +were hanged, away he went fretting and foaming to see +himself abused.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Tom served a Company of Gentlemen.</i></div> + + +<p>It happened that a company of gentlemen being disposed to +create mirth, rode some miles from home to be merry. One<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span> +of them would need have Tom to wait upon him, and Tom +was as willing as he to be in that company, but as they +were coming home, one of them cut the reins of Tom's +bridle, so that when Tom mounted on his horse the reins +broke, and the horse ran away with him in the midst of a +great heath whereon stood a large gallows against which the +horse stood, and rubbed his neck, so that the gentleman +hooped and hallooed, and said, "Farewell, Tom, farewell." +But Tom alighted from his horse, and made fast his reins, +and with his sword cut three or four chips from off the gallows; +and at the next tavern Tom met with them, where they +jeer'd him not a little; but Tom very earnestly entreated +them to forbear, yet the more he entreated them, the more +they played upon him. But to be even with them, in the +morning Tom calls the hostler, and sends him for nutmegs +and ginger, and gets a grater, and when he had grated them +he also grated the chips off the gallows, and mixed with the +spice only a little nutmeg and ginger, he laid towards one +end of the trencher for himself, and with a gallon of ale into +the gentleman's chamber he goes, begging of them not to +mock him any more with the gallows; and he would give +them that ale and spice; and so, says he, "Gentlemen, I +drink to you all." Now, as soon as he had drank, the +hostler called him, as he gave him charge before so to do. +Down stairs runs Tom as fast as he could. The gentlemen +made all possible speed to drink up the ale and spice before +he came up again, and that was what Tom desired. When +he came again, seeing all the ale and spice gone, he says, +"Gentlemen, will you know why my horse carried me to +the gallows?" "Yes," says one of them. "Well," says +Tom, "it was to fetch you some spice to your ale, and if you +want, I have more for you:" and with that showed them the +chips out of his pocket, and away he runs, leaving the +gentlemen to look one upon another, studying how they +should be revenged on him.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Tom rode a-Gossiping.</i></div> + + +<p>Tom heard a company of women that would meet at the +place a house-warming, to welcome one of the house. These +women had formerly abused Tom, and now he thought to +be even with them, so he goes to an apothecary's shop, +buys a pound of purging comfits, and puts them in a cake +with other spices, and dresses himself in women's apparel, +and gets a horse and a pannel, and to the house he comes, +knocks at the door, and asked the maid, whether there +were any women come a house-warming? The maid said, +"Not yet." "I pray," says Tom, "take this cake, and if I +come not at the meeting, let them eat it and be merry, for I +must go to a woman that is exceedingly unwell," and away +he goes. The women came, and wondered what woman it +should be that left the cake. Some of them supposed that +it was some rich lady. They stayed a while and the person +they expected to be with them not coming, they fell to their +meat, and at last to the cake. But it was not long in their +stomach before it began to work, so that all began vomiting, +and were so sick, that they disordered the house. In which +time Tom shifts himself into man's apparel, and with a staff +in his hand came where his gossips were, and hearing them +groaning all the house over, opened the door and asked them +what was the matter? They answered they were all poisoned. +"Marry," quoth Tom, "I hope not; if you please to let me +have a horse, I will ride to Mr. Doctor's and fetch an antidote +to deaden the poison." "Take my horse," quoth one; +"Take my horse," said another; "Or mine," said a third. +"Well, well," said Tom, "I will take one." And into the +stable he goes and takes three horses, and to the doctor's he +rides, and told him that all the people in such a house had +eaten something that had poisoned them; and prayed +him that he would, without delay, carry them some +medicines, and that they had sent a horse for him and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span> +another for his man. The doctor, greedy of money, hastened +thither with his medicine bottles as fast as the horses could +carry him and his man. But the doctor no sooner came into +the house, but he saw there was no need of medicines. In +the meantime Tom told not only all he met with, that there +were such women met to be merry at such a place; and not +only they, but all the women of the house were poisoned, +but went likewise to their husbands, and told them the like, +so that all the people thereabouts repaired thither, which +made the women so ashamed that they knew not which way +to look, because all that saw them judged they were drunk; +so that instead of comforting them which they expected, +they fell a reviling them. The women also fell to scolding +among themselves, and would have fought, had not +their husbands parted them, by carrying them home.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Tom, served a Company of Gypsies.</i></div> + + +<p>It happened on a day, towards night, that there came a company +of gypsies into a town, and had not very long been +there till Tom met them, and asked them, "What they made +there?" They said they came to town to tell the people +their fortunes, that thereby they might understand ensuing +dangers. "Aye," says Tom, "and where do you lie to-night?" +They told him they could not tell. "Nay," said Tom, "if +you will be contented to lie in straw, I will bring you where +you may lie dry and warm." They thanked him, and told +him they would tell him his fortune in the morning for +nothing. Tom thanked them, and therefore conveys them +into a little thatched house which had a ditch round about +it, very close to the wall thereof. That house Tom helped +them to fill with straw, and saw them take their lodging; +and then, it being dark, Tom bade them good-night, and as +soon as he was over the bridge, which was a plank, he drew it +after him; and in the dead time of the night Tom gets a long +pole, with a wasp of straw at the end of it, and sets the straw on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span> +fire, calling out to the rest of the fellows to shift for themselves; +who, thinking to run over the bridge, fell into the +ditch, crying and calling out for help, while, by Tom's +means, most part of the town stood to see the jest; and as +the gypsies waded through the ditch, they took them and +carried them into a house, where there was a good fire, +for it was in the midst of winter; where Tom counsels them +that they should never make him believe that they could +tell him anything, that did not know what danger should +befall themselves. "But," says he, "because you cannot tell +me my fortune, I will tell you yours. For to-morrow in the +forenoon you shall be whipped for deceivers, and in the +afternoon be hanged for setting the house on fire." The +gypsies hearing this so strict sentence, made haste to dry +themselves, and next morning stole out of town, and +never came any more there.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Tom sold his Mother's Trevot, and cozened an +Acqua Vitæ Man that sold Hot Water.</i></div> + + +<p>In a winter night, coming home very late, Tom Tram fell +with his arms before him, and at the last run his nose against +a post. "What," quoth Tom, "is my nose longer than my +arms?" And afterwards he dropped into a well that was in +the yard, and crying out, "Help, help." All is not well that +is in the well. The neighbours came and pulled him out, +and he dropped like a pig that had been roasted on a spit; +but he was then in a cold condition, so he went to bed, and +covered himself, but before morning Tom became unwell; +and when some had discovered this, he told them that if +he died of that sickness he should be buried by torchlight, +because none should see him go to his grave. +Just as he had said, in came a hot water man, of whom +he requested to give him a sup, which having tasted, +he feigned himself to be in a hot fever, and rose up in his +clothes, ran away with the acqua vitæ man's bottle of hot<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span> +water, and took his mother's trevot, and sold it for a long +hawking pole, and a falconer's bag, which being tied to his +side, and having drank up the poor man's hot water, he +came reeling home with an owl upon his fist, saying, "It is +gentlemanlike to be betwixt hawk and buzzard;" and he +told the acqua vitæ man that he had sent the trevot, with +three legs, to the next town to fill you bottles again.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How he Hired himself to the Justice, and what Pranks +he played while with him.</i></div> + + +<p>The justice at this time being without a man, and finding +Tom to be a lively fellow, asked him if he would serve him. +"Yes," quoth Tom, "for I am a great many miles from the +country." As soon as they had agreed for wages, Tom was +immediately entertained. But he had not lived long there +before the justice and his family were obliged to go to +London, leaving nobody at home but Tom. Now in the +justice's absence, an officer brought a lusty young woman and +a little man with a complaint. So they knocked at the door, +and Tom let them in; then placing himself in his master's +chair, he asked the woman what she had to say, who told +him that the man whom she had brought before him +ill-used her. "Adzooks," quoth Tom, "is it possible that +such a little fellow as this could ill-use such a strapping +dame as you." "Alas! sir," said she, "although he is little he +is strong." "Well, little whipper-snapper," quoth Tom, +"what do you say to this." He replied, "Like your worship +it is false what she says. The truth is, I have been at sea, +and coming ashore, where I received my pay, I met with +this woman, and agreed with her for a pair of shoes for half +a crown, and when they were put on, I pulled out my purse +to pay her honestly what I had agreed for; but she seeing +that I had a considerable sum of money, contrary to our +bargain, would force me to give her ten shillings, and +because I would not, but struck her as she deserved, she has<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span> +brought me before your worship." "Have you got that +purse of money?" quoth Tom. "Yes, sir," said the seaman. +"Give it into my hand," said Tom. He receives it, and +turning to the woman, said, "Here take it and get about +your business." She replied, "I thank your worship, you +are an honest good man, and have done me justice." The +little seaman the meanwhile wrung his hands and bitterly +cried out, "I am ruined, for it is every penny I had in the +world." "Well," quoth Tom, "haste after her, and take it +from her again." According to Tom's order he runs after +her, and when he came after her, he said, "I must, and will +have my purse again." Then she fell about his ears and +cuffed him. Nay, this did not satisfy her, but she dragged +him back again to Tom, who sat as justice, and told him +that the fellow followed her for the purse, which he in +justice gave her. "Well," said Tom, "and has he got it?" +"No," said she, "I think not; before he should take it from +me, I'd tear out both his eyes." "Let me see it again," says +Tom. She gives it to him. "Is all the money in it?" +quoth he. "Yes, sir," said she, "every penny." "Why +then," said he, "here little whipper-snapper, take your +purse again; and as for you Mrs. Impudence, had you +kept your word as well as you did the money, I never +had been troubled with this complaint. Here, Mr. Constable, +give her a hundred lashes at the town's whipping +post." Which was accordingly done, and Tom was +applauded for his just proceedings.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Tom used a Singing Man of a Cathedral Church +in the West.</i></div> + + +<p>Once there was a cathedral singing man that had very much +angered Tom, and had made songs and jests upon him, +whereupon Tom got on his back an ox-hide, with the horns +set upon his head, and so lay in a hedge bottom, waiting +till the singing man came by, who he was sure must pass<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span> +that way. At last name the singing man. Up started Tom +out of the hedge bottom in his ox-hide, and followed him, +the singing man cried out, "The devil! the devil!" "No," +quoth Tom, "I am the ghost of goodman Johnson, living +hard by the Church stile, unto whose house ye came and +sung catches, and owes me five pounds for ale, therefore +appoint me a day when ye will bring me my money hither, +or else I will haunt thee still." The singing man promised +that day se'enight, and accordingly he did; and Tom made +himself brave clothes with the money, and sweethearts came +about him as bees do about a honey pot. But Tom wore a +rope in his pocket, and being asked if he would marry, he +would pull it out, and laugh, saying, "I have broken my +shins already, and will be wiser hereafter; for I am an old +colt, and now may have as much wit as a horse."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XI.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Of Tom Tram's wooing Cicily Summers, the neat Wench +of the West.</i></div> + + +<p>Cicily Summers, whose nose was then as fair as the midnight +sun, which shined as bright as Baconthine, was beloved +of young Tom Tram; and a sad story to tell, he grew +not worth the bread he ate, through pining away for her +love. Tom was loath to speak but still whistled. At +last, when Cicily made no answer, he burst out in thus:—"O +Cicily Summers, if I Tom Tram, son of Mother Winter, +and thou Cicily Summers be joined together what a quarter +shall we keep, as big as three half years; besides Cicily +Summers when thou scoldest, then Winter shall presently +cool thy temper; and when we walk on the street they'll say +yonder goes Summer and Winter; and our children, we +shall call a generation of almanacks. So they went +to the parson and were married; but they fell out so +extremely that they scolded all the summer season; and +Tom drank good ale, and told old tales all the winter time, +and so they could never but thrive all the year through.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span> +Tom lived by good ale, and his wife by eating oat-meal; +and when Tom went to be drunk in the morning, she put +oat-meal in the ale, and made caudle with mustard instead of +eggs, which bit Tom so by the nose, that it would run +water; but the next day he would be drunk again."</p> + + +<p><br /></p> + +<h3>TOM TRAM'S</h3> + +<h2>MERRY TALES.</h2> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale I.</span></h3> + +<div class="center"><i>Of a Scholar and a Tapster on a Winter Night.</i></div> + + +<p>The tapster said, "Sir, will you go to bed." "No," quoth +the scholar, "There are thieves abroad, and would not willingly +be caught napping." So the tapster left him, and being +gone, in came a spirit into the chamber, with his head under +his arm so that he durst not stir, but cried out, "Help! +help! fire! thieves! thieves!" "Oh," quoth he, "the devil +was here and spoke to me with his head under his arm; but +now I will go to bed, and if he comes again I will send him +to the tapster, to help him to make false reckonings. It +being a cold night," quoth he, "I will first put fire to toe, that +is, I will warm my toes by the fire, then I'll go to bed." And +so he did, and a great reckoning put the scholar out of his +jest saying, "That was in earnest made too large a reckoning," +he being but poor Sir John, of Oxford.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale II.</span></h3> + + +<p>Down in the west country a certain conceited fellow had a +great nose; so a country man by him with a sack of corn, +jostled him, saying, "Your nose stands in my way," whereupon +the other fellow with the great nose, took his nose in +his hand, and held it to the other side, saying, "A pox on +thee, go and be hanged."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span></p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale III.</span></h3> + + +<p>Once there was a company of gypsies that came to a country +fellow on the highway, and would needs tell Tom his fortune. +Amongst other things, they bade him assure himself that his +worst misfortunes were past, and that he would not be +troubled with crosses as he had been. So coming home, and +having sold the cow at the market, he looked into his purse +for the money, thinking to have told it to his wife; but he +found not so much as one cross in his purse; whereupon he +remembered the words of the gypsies, and said that the +gypsies had said true that he should not be troubled with +crosses, and that they had picked his pocket, and left not a +penny in his purse. Whereupon his wife basted and cudgelled +him so soundly, that he began to perceive that a man +that had a cursed wife should never be without a cross, +though he had never a penny in his purse; and because it +was winter-time, he sat a while by the fireside, and after +went to bed supperless and penniless.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale IV.</span></h3> + + +<p>A farmer's wife in the west had three pigs, which she +loved exceedingly well, and fed them with good butter milk +and whey; but they would come running into the house and +dirtied the rooms. Whereupon she resolved to sell them at the +market, because they were better fed than taught, but afterwards +they were stolen away from her; whereupon she +supposed they were driven up to London to learn manners; +"But," said she, "they were too old to learn to turn the spit +in Bartholemew fair," and therefore believed some butchers +had stolen them away.</p> + +<p>Her cock had a piece of cloth sewn about him, and was +left upon the porch, but afterwards stolen; whereupon she +said, that her cock was turned scholar in a black gown, and +so she went to Oxford to a conjurer, to know what was +become of her pigs and her cock. The scholar smiled, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span> +told her the three pigs were blown home, and the cock was +made a bachelor of arts in one of the colleges. "I thought so," +said the woman, "for sure bachelors of arts are very coxcombs."</p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h5>A</h5> + +<h2>YORK DIALOGUE</h2> + +<h5>BETWEEN</h5> + +<h1>NED AND HARRY:</h1> + +<h5>OR</h5> + +<div class="center">Ned giving Harry an Account of his Courtship +and Marriage State.</div> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Honest Harry, I am glad to see you. You're welcome +to York. You're a great stranger. When came you +to town?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—I came to your town last night, Ned, and am +glad to see you. I inquired after you of my landlord, and +he told me you was well, and had been married two or three +years. I wish you much happiness; but how d'ye like +matrimony?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—In good faith, Harry, scrubbing his shoulders, but +so, so; however, I will not discourage you.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—But don't you remember, Ned, that you and I +made an agreement that which of us two was married first, +should tell one another of the way of courtship, and how he +liked it and a married state.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—'Tis true we did so, Harry, but now I have not +time to tell you, for it will take me more than two or three +hours to give you a full account of both parts.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—What! are you in haste then, Ned? 'Tis a great +while since I have seen you, and shan't we have one mug +together?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Faith, Harry, I'm loath to deny you; but if I go +with you, I must send home to my wife, and let her know +where I am.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—So you may Ned, and tell her you are with an +old friend that would be glad to see her.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Not a word of that, Harry, for if I go with you and +stay any time, we shall have her company without sending +for her.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Say you so. Come then, let us go to Tom +Swan's. Well, Ned, I am glad to see thee—ring the bell. +Jenny, bring us a pint of your best ale. Come, Ned, sit +down. And how long was it before you got your wife into +the mind to marry; for if I speak to any of the female sex, +they are so very coy, I can't tell what to make of them?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—That's very true. They are so, Harry, for when I +spoke to my wife first, she was so very coy and huffish, and +told me she did not know what I meant. She was not for +marrying. She lived very well as she was, and if she should +marry, she must then be confined to the humours of a husband.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Well, but how then, Ned, tell me all.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Faith I have not time now, Harry, for I must go +home.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Come, my service t'ye, Ned, I will have you be +as good as your promise.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Then if I must, I will stay a little longer and tell +you. I told her I had as good a trade as any of my neighbours. +Upon these words she was called away.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—How then, Ned?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Faith I went home, but could not get her out of my +mind. The next day I went again to see her, and took her +by the hand, but she pulled it away with scorn, saying,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span> +"Pray don't banter me, for I know you men love to banter +us silly women." Upon my faith, madam, said I, I am in +good earnest, for a man of my trade must have both journeymen +and prentices, therefore I cannot well be without a +wife, and you are the only person I always thought would +make me happy. Then I took her by the hand again, and +with much ado got a kiss off her. "Pray be quiet," said she, +"Goodness! what do you mean? you are so troublesome!" +and looked very angry, and so left me.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Very well, Ned, go on, this is vastly pleasant.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—That very kiss made me think of her, and love +her more than ever I did, for after that kiss I was always +wishing myself in her company, and was never at rest. The +Sunday after, I saw her in the minster at prayers, and +thought everything handsome and pretty about her—her +face, her eyes, her mouth, her breast, her shape. I watched +her coming out of the choir, and walked with her in the +minster, and asked her if she would please to take a walk +into the Groves, but she told me she was engaged. Believe +me, Harry; I was so daft with that answer that my heart +was fit to break with fear that she should love another better +than myself. However, I went home with her. She told +me she was engaged, and I need not trouble myself any +further. Madam, said I, the first that ever I saw you, I was +struck with the thought that you was the woman that was +to make me a happy wife. "You men," said she, "say so to +all women you meet with." "Truly, madam," said I, "what +I say is really true, from the bottom of my heart, and I hope +you will find it so." "You men always promise fair," said +she, "before you are married, but when the job is over you +seldom or never perform your promise." "Pray, try me, +madam," said I, "for upon my word, you will find me +always as good as I have said, by this kiss." "Fye," said +she, "I swear I will never come into your company any more, if +you will not let me stand quietly by you." Then I asked<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span> +her again the favour to take a walk, for it was a fine evening, +and would do her a great deal of good. She told me at +last, she was to meet two or three of her acquaintances at +seven o'clock in the Groves, just to take a turn or two and +so come home again, so bid me good night.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Well, Ned, I hope you went to the Groves to +meet her, did you not?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Yes, you may be assured I did, and within a quarter +of an hour after I was there, my mistress came, but her +friends were not with her, as good luck would have it.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Were not you glad of that, Ned, though I dare +swear, she knew of nobody to meet her at that time.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Yes, faith, I was very glad of it; and when we +had taken a turn or two, I asked her if she would go to +the cheese-cake house, and with much ado I got her to consent +to go.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Well, Ned, what discourse had you there?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Why, faith, we were very merry. I called for some +cheese-cakes, and a bottle of cider, and at last began to +ask her about marrying me. She told me she heard I had a +good trade, and did mind it now very well, but how I would +mind it, if she should consent to marry me, was her fear. I +told her she need never fear that, for marrying of her +would be the only means to make me mind my business, if +possible, more than I have done. I do assure you, Harry, +that the servants which we call chamber-maids, stand as +much upon their honour, as some of them will call it, in +courting, as their mistress, nay, and more.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Why, Ned, I have observed that all along you +have called her madam whenever you named her, but I hope +it is not a custom here at York, to call your chamber-maids +madam at every word.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Yes, faith we do, and they themselves call one +another so, for if there be five or six of them together at the +parting with one another, you shall hear them take leave<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span> +of one another with, "Madam, good-night to you," says +one; "Madam, your servant," says another; "Pray my +service to you know who"——'Tis very true, Harry.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—How could you ever expect Ned, that such an +one would make you a good wife that minded nothing but +her pride.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Well, Harry, but you are mistaken, for some of +them do make very good wives and are very good housewives +too.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—How long were you a-courting her, before she +gave consent to marry you?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Why, about a year or more, and all that while I +very little did mind myself for minding of her, for I was +fain to watch her as a cat watcheth a mouse, for fear of a +rival. At last I told her I hoped now she would consent to +marry me, if not, to tell me so, for it was a great loss to me +to lose my time so day after day. Upon these words she +told me she thought I was in earnest, but she did not much +like the house I lived in. I told her it was a very pretty +house, and I should be glad to see her in it. Upon this she +smiled and gave me her consent.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Was you asked in the church, Ned, or had you a +license?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—I went on purpose to ask her that question, and +she told me she was a gentlewoman born, and did not care to +be asked in the church, for, she said, there was nobody asked +in the church but cook-maids and kitchen-maids, so it cost me +about twenty shillings for a license. Well, married we were, +and very merry were we that day.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—But now, Ned, in the second place, come tell me +how you and your wife agree together, for I think it is said +your York wives will be masters of their husbands in less +than a year's time if possible they can. Well then, Ned, I +do suppose it is with you as with most of your neighbours, +your wife is the master?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Faith, Harry, not much matter (scratching his head), +but I doubt she'll come and find us together, and then there +will be——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—What then, Ned, let her come, I have a mug or +two at her service and shall be glad to see her.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—So shall not I, Harry.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Why, Ned, how can she be angry with you when +she sees you with an old acquaintance you have not seen for +two or three years?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—That's nothing.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—What, Ned, do not you agree then really, and has +been married but three years. Suppose she should come, +what would or could she say to you?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Dear Harry, do not desire me to tell you, for if I +would, and if you should happen to tell it again, and it +should come to her ears that it was I told you, I might as +well run my country as stay at home.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Ned, my service to you, upon my honour, as the +gentleman says, I will never say anything of it to anybody.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Well then, Harry, if I be out at any time, as now +with you, when I go home, as soon as I get within doors +she'll begin with a pretty tone she has learned off her neighbours.</p> + +<p>"Oh! brave sir! You are a fine husband, you mind your +business and shop, as you promised me before we were +married: do you not, you drunken dog? you rogue, you +rascal, where have you been these six hours (though it were +but three), sirrah, give me account where you have been."</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Well, Ned, do you give her an account where you +were, or what answer do you make her?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—All that I say to her is, "Pray, my dear, be not in +such a passion, for I was with an old friend that I have +not seen two or three years." "A pox on your old friend," +says she, "and you too must go and fill your belly with good +meat and drink, and I and my poor children starve at home,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span> +with only a little bread and cheese. A curse on the first +day I saw you."</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Why, Ned, I hope your circumstances are not so +low in the world, but that you can afford your wife pretty +well to keep house with.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Why, Harry, there's hardly a day but we have a +joint of meat, either boiled or roasted, and I am sure she +never wants for good bread, cheese, eggs, and butter.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Pray, Ned, what does she do towards maintaining +your house, does she endeavour any ways to get a penny? +What portion had you with her?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Harry, never marry a chamber-maid, for they bring +nothing with them but a few old clothes of their mistresses, +and for house-keeping, few of them know anything of it; for +they can hardly make a pudding or a pie, neither can they +spin, nor knit, nor wash, except it be a few laces to make +themselves fine withal.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—What would she be at?</p> + +<p><i>Ned</i>—Why always a-gossiping, there is such a company +of them in our street that there's never a day but some or +other of them meet together.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Where do they meet?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Where the best country ale is.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—What, do they make a sitting of it when they +meet?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—A sitting of it; yes, yes, they will sit from three till +ten at night, and drink like fishes, and talk against their +husbands.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—What do you say when she comes home? Do +you not ask her where she has been that she stayed so late?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—I dare not say one word to her, but am glad she will +let me go to bed and sleep quietly.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—What becomes of your children those days; who +looks after them all this while?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Nobody but a silly maid she hired who can do<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span> +nothing; I am fain as well as I can, to boil them their milk +for their suppers and help to get them to bed.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Does not she ask when she comes home how her +children do, and who gave them their suppers and got them +to bed?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Never, never, Harry, but perhaps the next morning +will get them up herself, and put them on, poor things, the +same linen they had on three days before.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—How do you allow your wife? do you allow her +so much a week? how gets she the money to spare for +gossiping?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Why, she watches me; and if I sell anything in the +shop, then she comes to me and tells me, such a child wants +this, and such a one that, so I am fain to give her money for +quietness' sake.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Why, Ned, she makes a mere fool of you.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—'Tis not my case alone, Harry, for most of my +neighbours have not much better wives, for the better sort +they say, love carding and gossiping and cold tea.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Well, Ned, I think you have almost satisfied me, +and I promise you for your sake I will never marry any one +of that sort called chamber-maids.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—If ever you marry, Harry, marry one that's bred +up in business, I mean one that knows how to look after her +house? and as you endeavour to get a penny in your way +she will endeavour to get another in hers, such a one will +make both you and herself happy.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Pray then, Ned, what can your wife or any other +man's wife say against her husband if he takes all the pains, +as you say you do, to maintain her and her children handsomely?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—I know not but I hear this is their way. If any +new married wife come among them; first she must pay for +her admittance, then presently after, some of them will begin, +"Neighbour, your good health;" another, "Neighbour I wish<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span> +you health and happiness;" another, "Pray neighbour, what +kind of a humoured man is your husband?" another, "Is he +kind to you?" another, "Does he allow you as he should do? +If he does not, neighbour, let us know, and we will tell you +how to manage him I warrant you."</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Well, Ned, I pity thee, with all my heart, and +all them that have such wives; but now you must make the +best of it, and live as quietly as you can.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Harry, I must so. Well, come, let's know what's to +pay. I have stayed too long, so I am sure of a lecture when +I go home.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Come, Ned, I treat you this time because I +invited you, it may be you will find your wife in a better +humour than you think of.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—I wish I may, Harry. I am sure of it that it shall +make me stay at home and mind my business a great deal +better than I have done of late.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—How many children have you, Ned?</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Two boys, and I believe another coming.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Well, Ned, she cannot complain of the smallness +of her family.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Well, Harry, I must take my leave of you, and I thank +you for me, and if you do not go out of town to-morrow, I hope +I shall see you again; there is a great deal more in a married +state than I have told you of, that is all charges to the husband, +the sickening-day, the week-day, the christening-day, +three-week-day, the churching-day; all these days they have +their meetings and discourses, which would take half a day +to tell them all; and if the husband be not there to wait upon +them on those days, some of them will say, "Neighbour, +where is your husband? he should be here to wait on us." +"If my husband, should serve me so," says another, "when +I lie in, odds had." A third will say, "Indeed, neighbour, +you give your husband too much liberty, more than I would +do." So, Harry, when I go home she falls a-telling me what<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span> +such a one and such a one, and all the company said of me, +for my not being there to wait upon them.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Well, Ned, thou has satisfied me very well, and +for thy sake will never marry a chamber-maid. Come, ring +the bell, we'll see what there's to pay, and should be glad of +your company longer, if it stand to your conveniency.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Harry, I thank you, but home I must go now.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Jenny, what's to pay? "One shilling sir."—Ned, +good-night to you, my service to your spouse; and if I stay +to-morrow, I'll come and see you and her.</p> + +<p><i>Ned.</i>—Harry, good night to you, I thank you for me, and +I shall be glad to see you to-morrow; but whether my wife +will or no I cannot tell, for I doubt I will find her but so-and-so +in her humour.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i>—Good-night to you, Ned, thank you for your good +company; it has been very pleasant, and I hope you will +find all things easy and quiet at home.</p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h2>DANIEL O'ROURKE'S</h2> + +<h5>WONDERFUL</h5> + +<h1>VOYAGE TO THE MOON.</h1> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<p>People may have heard of the renowned adventures of +Daniel O'Rourke, but how few are there who know that +the cause of all his perils, above and below, was neither +more nor less than his having slept under the walls of the +Phooka's tower.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I am often axed to tell it, sir," said he, "so that this is +not the first time. The master's son, you see, had come +from beyond foreign parts in France and Spain, as young +gentlemen used to go, before Buonaparte or any such was +heard of; and, sure enough, there was a dinner given to all +the people on the ground, gentle and simple, high and low, +rich and poor. The ould gentlemen were the gentlemen +after all, saving your honour's presence. They'd swear at +a body a little, to be sure, and maybe give one a cut of a +whip now and then, but we were no losers by it in the +end;—and they were so easy and civil, and kept such +rattling houses, and thousands of welcomes; and there was +no grinding for rent, and few agents; and there was hardly +a tenant on the estate that did not taste of his landlord's +bounty often and often in the year;—but now it's another +thing; no matter for that, sir, for I'd better be telling you +my story.</p> + +<p>"Well, we had everything of the best, and plenty of it; +and we ate, and we drank, and we danced, and the young +master, by the same token, danced with Peggy Barry from +Bothereen—a lovely young couple they were, though they +are both long enough now. To make a long story short, I +got, as a body may say, the same thing as tipsy almost, for +I can't remember ever at all, no ways, how I left the place; +only I did leave it, that's certain. Well, I thought, for all +that, in myself, I'd just step to Molly Cronohan's, the fairy +woman, to speak a word about the bracket heifer that was +bewitched; and so as I was crossing the stepping stones at +the ford of Ballyashenogh, and was looking up at the stars, +and blessing myself—for why? it was Lady-day—I missed +my foot, and souse I fell into the water. 'Death alive!' +thought I, 'I'll be drowned now!' However, I began +swimming, swimming, swimming away for the dear life, +till at last I got ashore, somehow or other, but never the +one of me can tell how, upon a dissolute island.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I wandered and wandered about there, without knowing +where I wandered, until at last I got into a big bog. +The moon was shining as bright as day, or your fair lady's +eyes, sir (with your pardon for mentioning her), and I +looked east and west, and north and south, and every way, +and nothing did I see but bog, bog, bog. I could never find +out how I got into it, and my heart grew cold with fear, for +sure and certain I was that it would be my barrin place. +So I sat down upon a stone which, as good luck would have +it, was close by me, and I began to scratch my head and sing +the Ullagon, when all of a sudden the moon grew black, +and I looked up, and saw something for all the world as if +it was moving down between me and it, and I could not +tell what it was. Down it came with a pounce, and looked +at me full in the face. And what was it but an eagle—as +fine a one as ever flew from the kingdom of Kerry. So +he looked at me in the face, and says he to me, 'Daniel +O'Rourke,' says he, 'how do you do?' 'Very well, I thank +you, sir,' says I; 'I hope you're well,' wondering out of my +senses all the time how an eagle came to speak like a Christian. +'What brings you here, Dan?' says he. 'Nothing +at all, sir,' says I; 'only I wish I was safe home again.' +'Is it out of the island you want to go, Dan?' says he. +''Tis, sir,' says I; so I up and told him how I had taken a +drop too much, and fell into the water; how I swam to the +island; and how I got into the bog and did not know my +way out of it. 'Dan,' says he, after a minute's thought, +'though it is very improper for you to get drunk on Lady-day, +yet, as you are a decent sober man, who tends mass +well, and never flings stones at me or mine, nor cries out +after us in the fields—my life for yours,' says he; 'so get +up on my back, and grip me well for fear you'd fall off, and +I'll fly you out of the bog.' 'I am afraid,' says I, 'your +honour's making game of me; for who ever heard of riding +a-horseback on an eagle before?' ''Pon the honour of a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[153]</a></span> +gentleman,' says he, putting his right foot on his breast, 'I +am quite in earnest; and so, now, either take my offer or +starve in the bog; besides, I see that your weight is sinking +the stone.'</p> + +<p>"It was true enough as he said, for I found the stone +every minute going from under me. I had no choice; so +thinks I to myself, faint heart never won fair lady, and this +is fair persuadance. 'I thank your honour,' says I, 'for the +load of your civility, and I'll take your kind offer.' I therefore +mounted upon the back of the eagle, and held him tight +enough by the throat, and up he flew in the air like a lark. +Little I knew the trick he was going to serve me. Up—up—up—God +knows how far up he flew. 'Why, then,' said I +to him, thinking he did not know the right road home, very +civilly—because why? I was in his power entirely—'sir,' +says I, 'please your honour's glory, and with humble submission +to your better judgment, if you'd fly down a bit, +you're now just over my cabin, and I could be put down +there, and many thanks to your worship.'</p> + +<p>"'Arrah, Dan,' said he, 'do you think me a fool? Look +down in the next field, and don't you see two men and a +gun? By my word it would be no joke to be shot this +way, to oblige a drunken blackguard that I picked up off a +could stone in a bog." 'Bother you,' said I to myself, but I +did not speak out, for where was the use? Well, sir, up he +kept flying, flying, and I asking him every minute to fly +down, and all to no use. 'Where in the world are you +going, sir?' says I to him. 'Hold your tongue, Dan,' says +he; 'mind your own business, and don't be interfering with +the business of other people.' 'Faith, this is my business, +I think,' says I. 'Be quiet, Dan,' says he; so I said no +more.</p> + +<p>"At last, where should we come to but to the moon itself. +Now, you can't see it from this; but there is, or there was +in my time, a reaping-hook sticking out of the side of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span> +moon, this way (drawing the figure on the ground with the +end of his stick).</p> + +<p>"'Dan,' said the eagle, 'I'm tired with this long fly; I +had no notion 'twas so far.' 'And, my lord, sir,' said I, +'who in the world axed you to fly so far—was it I? Did +not I beg, and pray, and beseech you to stop half an hour +ago?' 'There's no use talking, Dan,' said he; 'I'm tired +bad enough, so you must get off, and sit down on the moon +until I rest myself.' 'Is it sit down on the moon?' said I. +'Is it upon that little round thing, then? Why, then, sure +I'd fall off in a minute, and be kilt and split, and smashed +all to bits; you are a vile deceiver, so you are.' 'Not at +all, Dan,' said he; 'you can catch fast hold of the reaping-hook +that's sticking out of the side of the moon, and 'twill +keep you up.' 'I won't, then,' said I. 'Maybe not,' said +he, quite quiet. 'If you don't, my man, I shall just give +you a shake, and one slap of my wing, and send you down +to the ground, where every bone of your body will be +smashed as small as a drop of dew on a cabbage-leaf in the +morning.' 'Why, then, I'm in a fine way,' said I to myself, +'ever to have come alone with the likes of you;' and so, +giving him a hearty curse in Irish, for fear he'd know what +I said, I got off his back with a heavy heart, took hold of +the reaping-hook, and sat down upon the moon; and a +mighty cold seat it was, I can tell you that.</p> + +<p>"When he had me there fairly landed, he turned about +on me, and said, 'Good morning to you, Daniel O'Rourke,' +said he; 'I think I've nicked you fairly now. You robbed +my nest last year ('twas true enough for him, but how he +found it out is hard to say), and in return you are freely +welcome to cool your heels dangling upon the moon like a +cockthrow.'</p> + +<p>"'Is that all, and is this the way you leave me, you brute, +you?' says I. 'You ugly unnatural baste, and is this the +way you serve me at last? Bad luck to yourself, with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[155]</a></span> +your hooked nose, and to all your breed, you blackguard.' +'Twas all to no manner of use; he spread out his great big +wings, burst out a-laughing, and flew away like lightning. +I bawled after him to stop, but I might have called and +bawled for ever without his minding me. Away he went, +and I never saw him from that day to this. Sorrow fly +away with him! You may be sure I was in a disconsolate +condition, and kept roaring out for the bare grief, when all +at once a door opened right in the middle of the moon, +creaking on its hinges as if it had not been opened for a +month before. I suppose they never thought of greasing +'em; and out there walks, who do you think, but the man +in the moon himself. I knew him by his busk.</p> + +<p>"'Good morrow to you, Daniel O'Rourke,' said he. 'How +do you do?' 'Very well, thank your honour,' said I. 'I +hope your honour's well.' 'What brought you here, Dan?' +said he. So I told him how I was a little overtaken in +liquor at the master's, and how I was cast on a dissolute +island, and how I lost my way in the bog, and how the +thief of an eagle promised to fly me out of it, and how, +instead of that, he had fled me up to the moon.</p> + +<p>"'Dan,' said the man in the moon, taking a pinch of +snuff when I was done, 'you must not stay here.' 'Indeed, +sir,' says I, ''tis much against my will I'm here at all; but +how am I to go back?' 'That's your business,' said he, +'Dan; mine is to tell you that here you must not stay, so +be off in less than no time.' 'I'm doing no harm,' says I, +'only holding on hard by the reaping-hook lest I fall off.' +'That's what you must not do, Dan,' says he. 'Pray, sir,' +says I, 'may I ask how many you are in family, that you +would not give a poor traveller lodgings? I'm sure 'tis not +so often you're troubled with strangers coming to see you, +for 'tis a long way.' 'I'm by myself, Dan,' says he; 'but +you'd better let go the reaping-hook.' 'Faith, and with +your leave,' says I, 'I'll not let go the grip; and the more<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[156]</a></span> +you bids me, the more I won't let go, so I will.' 'You had +better, Dan,' says he again. 'Why, then, my little fellow,' +says I, taking the whole weight of him with my eye from +head to foot, 'there are two words to that bargain; and I'll +not budge, but you may if you like.' 'We'll see how that +is to be,' says he; and back he went, giving the door such +a great bang after him (for it was plain he was huffed) that +I thought the moon and all would fall down with it.</p> + +<p>"Well, I was preparing myself to try strength with him, +when back again he comes with the kitchen cleaver in his +hand, and, without saying a word, he gives two bangs to +the handle of the reaping-hook that was keeping me up, +and whap! it came in two. 'Good morning to you, Dan,' +says the spiteful little old blackguard, when he saw me +cleanly falling down with a bit of the handle in my hand, +'I thank you for your visit, and fair weather after you, +Daniel.' I had no time to make any answer to him, for I +was tumbling over and over, and rolling and rolling at the +rate of a fox-hunt. 'God help me,' says I, 'but this is a +pretty pickle for a decent man to be seen in at this time of +night; I am now sold fairly.' The word was not out of my +mouth when whiz! what should fly by close to my ear but +a flock of wild geese, all the way from my own bog of +Ballyashenogh, else how should they know me? The ould +gander, who was their general, turning about his head, cried +out to me, 'Is that you, Dan?' 'The same,' said I, not a +bit daunted now at what he said, for I was by this time +used to all kinds of bedevilment, and, besides, I knew him +of ould. 'Good morrow to you,' says he, 'Daniel O'Rourke. +How are you in health this morning?' 'Very well, sir,' +says I; 'I thank you kindly,' drawing my breath, for I was +mightily in want of some. 'I hope your honour's the same.' +'I think 'tis falling you are, Daniel,' says he. 'You may +say that, sir,' says I. 'And where are you going all the +way so fast?' said the gander. So I told him how I had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[157]</a></span> +taken the drop, and how I came on the island, and how I +lost my way in the bog, and how the thief of an eagle flew +me up to the moon, and how the man in the moon turned +me out. 'Dan,' said he, 'I'll save you; put your hand out +and catch me by the leg, and I'll fly you home.' 'Sweet is +your hand in a pitcher of honey, my jewel,' says I, though +all the time I thought in myself that I don't much trust +you; but there was no help, so I caught the gander by the +leg, and away I and the other geese flew after him as fast as +hops.</p> + +<p>"We flew, and we flew, and we flew, until we came right +over the wide ocean. I knew it well, for I saw Cape Clear +to my right hand, sticking up out of the water. 'Ah! my +lord,' said I to the goose—for I thought it best to keep a +civil tongue in my head any way—'fly to land, if you +please.' 'It is impossible, you see, Dan,' said he, 'for a while, +because, you see, we are going to Arabia.' 'To Arabia!' +said I; 'that's surely some place in foreign parts, far away. +Oh! Mr. Goose, why, then, to be sure, I'm a man to be +pitied among you.' 'Whist, whist, you fool,' said he; 'hold +your tongue. I tell you Arabia is a very decent sort of +place, as like West Carbery as one egg is like another, only +there is a little more sand there.'</p> + +<p>"Just as we were talking a ship hove in sight, scudding so +beautiful before the wind. 'Ah! then, sir,' said I, 'will +you drop me on the ship, if you please?' 'We are not fair +over it,' said he. 'We are,' said I. 'We are not,' said he; +'if I dropped you now, you would go splash into the sea.' +'I would not,' says I; 'I know better than that, for it is +just clean under us, so let me drop now at once.'</p> + +<p>"'If you must, you must,' said he. 'There, take your +own way;' and he opened his claw, and faith he was right,—sure +enough, I came down plump into the very bottom of +the salt sea! Down to the very bottom I went, and I gave +myself up then for ever, when a whale walked up to me,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[158]</a></span> +scratching himself after his night's rest, and looked me full +in the face, and never the word did he say; but lifting up +his tail, he splashed me all over again with the cold salt +water, till there wasn't a dry stitch upon my whole carcase; +and I heard somebody saying—'twas a voice I knew too—'Get +up, you drunken brute, out of that,' and with that I +woke up, and there was Judy with a tub full of water, +which she was splashing all over me; for, rest her soul! +though she was a good wife, she never could bear to see me +in drink, and had a bitter hand of her own.</p> + +<p>"'Get up,' said she again; 'and of all places in the +parish, would no place sarve your turn to lie down upon +but under the ould walls of Carrigaphooka? An uneasy +resting I am sure you had of it.' And sure enough I had; +for I was fairly bothered out of my senses with eagles, and +men of the moons, and flying ganders, and whales, driving +me through bogs, and up to the moon, and down to the +bottom of the great ocean. If I was in drink ten times +over, long would it be before I'd lie down in the same spot +again, I know that."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[159]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h1>MOTHER BUNCH'S CLOSET</h1> + +<h2>NEWLY BROKE OPEN;</h2> + +<h5>CONTAINING</h5> + +<h3>RARE SECRETS OF NATURE AND ART,</h3> + +<h5>TRIED AND EXPERIENCED</h5> + +<h3>BY LEARNED PHILOSOPHERS,</h3> + +<div class="center">And recommended to all ingenious young men and maids, +teaching them, in a natural way, how to get good wives +and husbands.</div> + +<div class="center">Approved by several that have made trial of them; it being +the product of forty-nine years' study.</div> + +<div class="center"><i>By our loving Friend Poor Tom, for the King, a lover of +Mirth, but a hater of Treason.</i></div> + +<h3>IN TWO PARTS.</h3> + +<h3><span class="smcap">Part I.</span></h3> + + +<p>Reading over many ancient Histories, it was my chance to +meet with this story of an old woman who lived in the west, +who took delight in studying her fortune. When she found +herself full twenty years old, she thought her luck worse +than some who were married at fifteen or sixteen, which +much troubled her mind; but to prevent all doubts she resolved +to try a story she had often heard her mother talk of, +and, finding it true, she resolved to teach other maidens.</p> + +<p>On a time, this old woman having newly buried her +husband, was taking a walk in the fields, for the benefit of +the air, sometimes thinking of the loss of her husbands, for +she had had three, yet had a great desire for the fourth. So +it happened, as she was walking alone, she espied a young<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[160]</a></span> +maiden by the meadow-side. "Good morrow, maid," said +the old woman, "how do you do? are not you well?" +"Yes, mother, I am very well, but somewhat troubled in +mind." "What is it troubles you so much? If I can, I will +willingly relieve you, therefore be not ashamed to tell the +truth. Is it anything of great concern?" "Indeed, mother, +seeing you urge me so much, I will tell you the truth. We +are three sisters, the youngest was married about a year ago, +the middlemost last week, and I am the eldest, and no man +heeds me." "Well, daughter, if this be all, I believe I can +assist thee, for when I was young I was in the same condition, +and with reading some histories, found out the art to +know him that should be my husband, which, if you will +keep my counsel, I am ready to teach thee." "I will, truly, +and if you will do so much for me, I shall think myself +much obliged to you; and, if my fortune proves right, I will +make you amends."</p> + +<p>"Why, then, I will tell you, in the first place, you must +observe St. Agnes' day, which is the 21st of January, and on +that day let no man speak to thee, and at night, when +thou liest down lay thy right hand under thy head, and say +these words, 'Now the God of hope let me dream of my love'; +then go to sleep as soon as possible, and you shall be sure to +dream of him who will be your husband, and see him stand +before you, and may take notice of him and his complexion; +and if he offer to salute thee honourably, do not deny him, +but show him as much favour as thou canst; but if he offers +to be uncivil, be sure to send him away. And now, daughter, +the counsel I have given you, be sure to tell nobody. So, +fare you well, till I see you again."</p> + +<p>"I give you thanks for your advice; but one thing more +I have to say, What is your name? and where do you live?" +"I will tell you, daughter; my name is Mother Bunch, and I +live at a place called Bonadventure, where, if you come, I +will make you welcome."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[161]</a></span></p> + +<p>Now Mother Bunch having departed from the maid, she +met another pretty girl. "Good morrow, Mother Bunch." +"Good morrow, pretty maid, whither are you going this +morning? Methinks you are very fine to-day." "Fine! +Mother Bunch, you do not think so." "Nay, I cannot discommend +you; for such a brisk maid as you should go handsome, +or you will never get a sweetheart, though you think +the time long." "No, no, mother, I am too young." "How +old are you?" "I am eighteen." "Eighteen! then I know +thou thinkest thou hast stayed long enough, and wouldest +as willingly have a husband as another." "Aye, Mother +Bunch, but good husbands are hard to find, especially for +me, who have no skill in choosing, or else it may be I would +be glad of a good husband." "Be sure to take my advice: +be wise in choosing, that is to say, take no one that has got +a red head, for be sure he loveth a smock so well that he +will scarce let his wife have a good one to her back; nor of +yellow hair, as he is inclinable to be jealous; nor a black +man, for he is dogged." "Aye, but mother, if I must not +have yellow, black, nor red, what colour must I take?" +"Why, daughter, I tell you, if he is jealous, you will be +annoyed by his speeches, for how can a young woman forbear +when she is always provoked? And be sure, if he is +jealous of thee thou mayest well be so of him; for evil people +and thieves think ill of each other. But hold a little, one +thing more I have to say to you, and that is, to take notice +of thy sweethearts when they come a-wooing to thee, I mean +of their civil behaviour; for if they swear, vow, and make +great protestations, then have a care of thyself, for many +words breed dissimulation; therefore have a care of such: +but if a man come to thee that is sober and civil behaved, +there are hopes of his proving a good man." "Now, mother, +I will take my leave of you, giving you many thanks for +your good advice; and so, farewell, till I see you again, and +I intend to take this counsel."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[162]</a></span></p> + +<p>Another time Mother Bunch was in a little meadow, +not far from her house, on the 30th of April, before sunrising. +A handsome maid, seeing her alone, came to her, and +said, "Mother Bunch, good morrow, how do you do? Pray, +what makes you abroad so early in the morning? You +seem to be in a deep study." "Daughter, you say very +true; I am studying who shall be my next husband, and if +thou wilt but please to stay a little while, thou shalt see a +pretty art, which thou never saw before, to teach you how +to know your sweetheart." "This is a pretty art indeed, +and I should be glad to know it."</p> + +<p>"Hark! hark! daughter, is not yonder the cuckoo singing?" +"Yes, yes, and I have not heard her sing this year +before now." "Then, daughter, sit down by me, but hold, +Are you fasting?" "Yes." "But has no man kissed you?" +"No." Then sit thee down by me. "I think the cuckoo is +mad, what a life she leads; I think she is a witch; but no +matter: put off thy right shoe and stocking, and let me look +between thy great toe and the next: Now, daughter, see, +this hair is a long one; look well at it, and tell me what +colour it is." "I think it is really yellow." "The same +colour will thy husband's hair be." "But, Mother Bunch, I +do not matter the colour so much as the condition." "I +will tell you his condition: he may prove surly enough, +and perhaps make you do as you did not imagine: you +must give him good words, and give him good for evil." +"Mother Bunch, you make me smile, you talk so merrily." +"Come, daughter, it is no great matter; merry talk does no +harm, but drives the time away. But hark! daughter, I +have had three husbands myself, and I think to have +another; and do you think I am so mad to tell him all I +do? Then, my daughter, I have another way to tell you +who must be your husband; I have proved it true; and it +is the best time of the year to try it, therefore, observe what +I say: Take a St. Thomas' onion, pare it, and lay it on a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[163]</a></span> +clean handkerchief under your pillow; and as you lie down, +say these words—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">Good St. Thomas, do me right,</span> +<span class="i4">And bring my love in dreams this night,</span> +<span class="i4">That I may view him in the face.</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>Then go to sleep as soon as you can, and in your first +sleep you shall dream of him who is to be your husband. +This I have tried, and it has proved true. Yet I have another +pretty way for a maid to know her sweetheart, which is as +follows: Take a summer apple of the best fruit, stick pins +close into the apple, to the head, and as you stick them take +notice which of them is the middlemost, and give it what +name you fancy; put it into thy left hand glove, and lay it +under thy pillow on Saturday night; after thou gettest into +bed, then clap thy hands together, and say these words—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">If thou be he that must have me</span> +<span class="i5">To be thy wedded bride,</span> +<span class="i4">Make no delay, but come away,</span> +<span class="i5">In dream to my bedside.</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>And in thy sleep thou shalt see him, and be not afraid, +for it is a sign he will prove a good husband. And this is a +good way for a young man to know his sweetheart, giving +the middlemost pin the name he fancies best, putting the +apple in his right hand glove, and laying it under his pillow +when he is in bed, saying—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">If thou be she that must have me</span> +<span class="i5">In wedlock for to join,</span> +<span class="i4">Make no delay, but come away</span> +<span class="i5">So I may dream of mine.</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>"And that night he may see her, and if she come it is +a sign she will prove a good wife. And now, daughter, +the time passes away, and I must be gone, and so bid you +farewell." "Mother Bunch, I give you many thanks for +your good counsel, and intend to take your advice."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[164]</a></span></p> + +<p>Upon a time, Mother Bunch, being at a wedding, where +young men and maids were met, who had a mind for some +discourse with her, one young man said, "Mother Bunch, we +know you are a woman that has a judgment in many things, +I pray, tell my fortune." "I cannot tell fortunes," said she, +"but thou blinkest too much with one eye to be true to +one woman." "Aye, but, mother," says another, "what +think you of me?" "Thou mayest come to marry a +lady, if thou canst but lay a great wager with her, three +to one; and if she wagers with thee, thou wilt be very +likely to win, for thou hast mettle in thee; but have a care +she win not the odds, if she does thou art clean gone. So +farewell."</p> + +<p>Now Mother Bunch took her leave; and going home, she +met a maid going to a wedding. "How do you do, mother?" +"Thank you, daughter, whither are you going?" "To the +wedding, I believe; but hark you, mother, will you sit down +a little, I have something to say to you." "What is it, +daughter?" "When shall I be married?" "Would you +fain be married?" "Yes, mother, if I could get a good +husband." "Then, daughter, I will tell you the best I can, +if you will take my advice. In the month of January are +many dangerous days for thee to take notice of; these are +the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth: there are a great +many more; but if thou marriest on these days, thy husband +will cuckold thee, or thou wilt make him one, or else you +will soon be parted by one means or other; but for all +there be so many bad days in this month I can tell you of +one day which is lucky, and many young men and maids +have a deal of heart's ease on that day, or the day after, as I +shall let you understand; it is the 21st, called St. Agnes' +day. This St. Agnes has a great favour for young men and +maids, and will bring their sweethearts, if they follow my +rules: Upon this day you must be sure to keep a fast, and +neither eat nor drink all that day, nor at night; neither<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[165]</a></span> +let man, woman, nor child kiss thee on that day; and thou +must be sure, when thou goest to bed, to say—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">Now, St. Agnes, play thy part,</span> +<span class="i4">And send to me my own sweetheart;</span> +<span class="i4">And show me such a happy bliss,</span> +<span class="i4">This night to dream of a sweet kiss.</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>And be sure to fall asleep as soon as you can, and before +you awake out of your first sleep, you shall see him come +before you, and shall perceive by his habit what tradesman +he is; and be sure thou declare not thy dream unto any one +in ten days, and by that time thou mayest see thy dream +come to pass. All this I have proved three times; for I +have had three husbands, and they all proved tradesmen. +The first was a straw joiner, the second a louse-trap maker, +and the third a gentle craft, and he came to me with his awl +in his hand, and so I waked out of my dream; but I thought +the time long till he came again; as all maids do that desire +to be married. I know some maids would wait in order to +have a husband with the best conditions, and endowed with +the best qualifications; nay they would have impossibilities: +but I am afraid they will make good the old proverb, that +says—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">'If you will not when you may,</span> +<span class="i4"> When you would you shall have nay.'</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>Therefore, take my advice, if a young man comes to you +of a civil carriage, and you think you can love him, be not +scornful to him, but give him a civil encouragement, according +to his behaviour.</p> + +<p>And as to young men, my advice is, they be wary in +their choice, since there is as much danger in choosing of a +wife as a husband: wherefore, all young men, take my +advice: choose not one with a long nose, a scolding brow, +and thin lips, for in such there is great danger. He who is +tied to a scold is tied to sorrow; choose not one who is +counted a slut, if she be a slut, she is idle also, and these two<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[166]</a></span> +companions will bring thee to poverty; nay, besides this, the +old saying is, 'A slut will poison the gout, and if you can't +eat with her, you won't sleep with her.'</p> + +<p>But this is the best way of choosing a wife: Take one +for love, not for riches which fly away, for true love never +varies; and where that is, the blessing of God is. If you +desire to live a long life, be not overfond of riches, but +choose a civil handsome maid, who is not given to pride: +such a maid may make a fine wife. But she that brings a +handsome fortune, will be always throwing it in your teeth, +which often occasions great disturbances; therefore let this +suffice for those who desire to get good wives; and take +notice of what I have already said, and you may fare the +better.</p> + +<p>And as for young maids, this is my advice, if they will +not try St. Agnes, let them be sure to choose a clever, honest +man, who is able to support them in comfort.</p> + +<p><br /></p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Part II.</span></h3> + + +<p>On Michaelmas Day, Mother Bunch, sitting on the bank of +a river, joining to a neighbouring grove, beheld the late +flourishing branches in their decay, whose sapless leaves +were falling to the earth, from which she began seriously to +consider her own mortality; and since time had hurried on +the winter of her age, and covered her aged head with +snowy locks, she might expect, ere long, to fall, like the enfeebled +leaves. Therefore, she resolved, as she had been a +kind friend to young men and maids, to give a further +testimony of her regard before she left this world. For as +her painful study and strict observation had made a large +improvement in her stock of knowledge she would not +have it buried in the grave with her, but leave it to posterity +for the benefit of young men and maids, whereby they +might learn to understand their good and bad fortunes, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[167]</a></span> +by the directions of this book be thoroughly furnished with +many secret rarities never before published to the world.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, the next day she wrote letters of invitation +to the young men and maids to repair to her house on St. +Luke's Day. The maids she appointed to meet in the morning, +to be first instructed, and that for two reasons. First, +as she herself was a woman, she would teach them first, lest +the bachelors should be too hard for them before they had +learned their lessons. Secondly, that young women should +be first served in this, it being Horn Fair Day, many of the +bachelors would be employed in the morning, in handing +old citizens' young wives to the fair; and in the afternoon +they might be at liberty. This was the determination of +old Mother Bunch.</p> + +<p>Now against the time appointed, old Mother Bunch +decked up her house, neat and fine, and, getting up early in +the morning, placed herself in the closet, where her treasure +lay.</p> + +<p>Now the first that entered the room was one Margery +Loveman, a maltster's maid, who, with a low curtsey, said, +"Good morrow, Mother Bunch, I am come to partake of +your bounty; for I hear you have a second time opened your +Golden Closet of Curiosities for the benefit of young lovers." +"Yes, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "so I have, and thou +shalt partake of the same. Here is infallible rules and directions +to guide you in all manner of love intrigues; also, how +to know what sort of man you shall marry, and whither +he will prove loving or not."</p> + +<p>"Dear mother, these are things I fain would know; for, +believe me, I have many sweethearts, and I willingly choose +the best, lest I should marry in haste and repent at leisure. +'Tis true, I have near a hundred and fifty pounds to my +portion, the great noise of which has brought many sweethearts, +for I have no less than five or six at this time; and, +mother, I would fain know which of them comes for love of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[168]</a></span> +me, and which of them for money." "Daughter," quoth +Mother Bunch, "here is an experiment, if you will but try, +it will make a clear discovery of the reality of their love. +Let a report be spread that thou hast lately been robbed of +all that thou hast, both money and apparel. Now, if after +this, there is one of them that continues his love as before, +you may be very certain that he is faithful; but, be sure +that you keep this counsel to yourself, that the secret be not +discovered." "I will take care of that, dear mother," quoth +Margery, "and I heartily thank you for this kind and seasonable +advice."</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">"Good morrow, daughter," she replied,</span> +<span class="i4">"Young men are false, and must be tried."</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>She was no sooner gone, but in comes Mrs. Susan, a young +sempstress from Salisbury, with sorrowful lamentation, +weeping and wringing her hands. "How now!" quoth +good Mother Bunch; "what is the matter with you, +daughter, that you go on at this rate?" "Alas! Mother +Bunch," quoth Susan, "my—my—my—my—my—my!" +"What my?" said Mother Bunch. Quoth sobbing Susan, +"My sorrows are more than I am able to bear; for, mother, +dear Frank the fiddler, my old love, and I are fallen out, and +he swears he will not have me." "Come, daughter," quoth +Mother Bunch, "be of good comfort, for I will put thee in an +effectual way to find whither Frank the fiddler be really +angry with thee or not; and if he be, I will teach thee infallibly +how to obtain his favour again. 'She that is afraid +of every grass, must not think to go in a meadow.' Let +your angry love but alone for a season, and he will soon +come to himself again; for I know that love is a puny darling, +and wants very frequently to be humoured. Therefore, +let him alone, in time he will forget his anger, and return to +thee again, if he has any principle, good nature, or loyal +love in him; and if not, you had better be without him than +during your whole life to be tied to so sour an apple tree.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[169]</a></span> +Remember the old proverb, 'Set thy stool in the sun; if a +knave goes, an honest man may come.' I hope thou hast +not been playing the wanton wagtail with him, hast thou?" +"No, indeed, dear Mother Bunch; but yet, I must needs +confess that he fain would have played a lesson on my lute +last market day, but I would not let him; and that was the +cause of our falling out." "Sayest thou so, daughter? Why, +then, I will tell thee, that since he found thou withstood his +temptations, with so much resolution, take my word for it +he will never forget thee." "Well, dear mother," quoth +young Susan, "your words have been comfortable to me; +and when I find the good effects, I will return and give you +an account of it. And so farewell, dear mother, for the +present."</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">"Right happy, daughter, may you be,</span> +<span class="i4"> In guarding your true purity."</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>The next that entered the room was Eliza, the miller's +maid, who, after making a very low curtsey, and giving +Mother Bunch the time of the day, desiring to know +for what reason she sent her that letter? "Why," says the +old woman, "to the end that I might reveal to you some +secrets relating to love, which I have never discovered +to the world." "But, dear Mother Bunch," quoth +Margery, "I am a mere stranger to love, for I +never in my life knew what it meant." "That may +be," quoth Mother Bunch; "yet you know not how +soon you may receive the arrows of Cupid, then you +would be glad of some of my advice, for I know by myself, +that the best woman of you all, at one time or other, has a +desire to know what it is to be married." Quoth Margery, +"You talk merrily, Mother Bunch." "Well, daughter," +quoth Mother Bunch, "you may term it as you please; +but I will appeal to your own conscience whether or no you +would be glad, with all your heart, of a kind and loving +husband."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[170]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Dear Mother," quoth Margery, "you come quite close to +the matter; and if I may be so free as to speak my own +mind, I could willingly have such a one; for though +house-keeping is said to be very chargeable often, yet, on the +other hand, a married state is honourable." "Thou sayest +well, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "and if thou hast a +mind to see the man whom thou shalt marry, then follow +strictly my directions, and you shall not fail of your desire. +Let me see—this is St. Luke's Day, which I have found by +long study to be of greater use to that purpose than that of +the celebrated St. Agnes, which I formerly recommended +you to; and the ingredients now to be used are of a quite +different and finer quality, and far more excellent for performing +the same.</p> + +<p>Now I would have you take some marigold flowers, a +large sprig of sweet marjoram, a sprig of fresh thyme, and a +small quantity of wormwood; dry these together before the +fire, till you may rub them to a powder; then sift the same +through a piece of fine lawn. This being done, take a small +quantity of virgin honey, and right white wine vinegar, and +simmer them together in a new earthen porringer, over a +mild and gentle fire; all which being done, anoint your +forehead and cheeks, and lips, likewise, with the same, just +the moment you are lying down in your bed; always remembering +to repeat these words three times—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">St. Luke, St. Luke, be kind to me,</span> +<span class="i4">And let me now my true love see.</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>"This said, hasten to sleep with all speed; then in the +soft slumber of your night's repose the very man you are to +marry shall appear before you walking to and fro near to +your bedside, very plain and visible to be seen: you shall +perfectly behold the colour of his hair, his visage, stature, +and deportment. And if he be one that will prove faithful, +he will approach you with a smile, and offer to salute you; +which, when he does, do not seem to be overfond or peevishly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[171]</a></span> +froward, but receive the same with a becoming mild and +modest smile. Now, if he be one that will, after marriage, +forsake his house to wander after strange women, then will +he offer to be rude and uncivil with thee, at which time +thou shalt lift up thy hand to smite him; so doing, it will +go well with thee, and thy guardian angel will keep thee +ever safe. Daughter, these are rarities which I never before +divulged. Do but put this in execution, and I am certain +it will answer the desired effect." "I must needs thank you +for your love," quoth Margery; "and so farewell, Mother +Bunch." "Good-bye, daughter," she replied.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">"Let joy and pleasure crown your days,</span> +<span class="i4"> And a kind man your fortune raise."</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>The next that appeared was Kate, the cloth-worker's +daughter; then Doll, the dairymaid; Joan, Bridget, Nancy, +and Phillis, in number about forty together, each of them +crying out with a loud voice, "Dear Mother Bunch, remember +me." "O remember me," quoth another; and so did +they all, till they made the poor old woman's ears deaf with +the clamorous noise. "My dear daughters," quoth Mother +Bunch, "sit you all down and be quiet, for there is never a +one amongst you but will partake of my bounty. Daughters, +I will sit in the midst of you, where I shall read over a very +interesting lecture. My real motive is to give you a full +account of some rare and excellent curiosities, in my Golden +Closet, newly broke open; declaring that it is my opinion +that those things which are profitable to one maid may not be +prejudicial, in any respect, to another, and this I shall begin. +First, if any of you here desire to know the name of the +man whom you shall marry, let her seek in the summer time +for a green peasecod, in which there are nine pease; when +you have done this, either write, or cause to be written, on a +slip of paper, these words—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">Come in, my dear,</span> +<span class="i4">And never fear.</span> +</div></div> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[172]</a></span></p> + +<p>Writing which, you must carefully close within the aforesaid +peasecod, and lay the same under the threshold of the +door, and then observe the next man that comes into the +house; for you shall certainly be married to one of the same +name.</p> + +<p>Secondly, she that desires to be satisfied whether she +shall get the man desired or no, let her take two lemon-peels +in the morning, and wear them all the day under +her arm-pit, then at night let her not fail to take them +and rub the four posts of the bed with the same; which +being done, in your first sleep, he will seem to come and +present you with a couple of choice lemons, if not, there is +no hope.</p> + +<p>Thirdly, she that is desirous to know what manner of +fortune she shall marry, whether a gentleman, a tradesman, +or a traveller, the experiment is thus: Take a walnut, a +hazel nut, and a nutmeg; crack the two nuts, and take off the +scurf; peel them clear from the kernels, and grate part of the +nutmeg to them; this being done, bruise the kernels of the +nuts, and mix them with butter and sugar, making them up +into peels, which are to be taken just when you are lying +down in your bed. Then if your fortune be to marry a +gentleman, your sleep will be filled with fine golden dreams, +variety of sweet music, and many running footmen; if a +tradesman, great noise and tumults; if a traveller (who is a +seaman), then frightful visions of lightning and roaring +thunder will disturb your sleep. This has been often tried, +and as often approved.</p> + +<p>Fourthly, St. Agnes' Day I have not wholly blotted out of +my book; no, but I have found a more exact way of trial +than before: You shall not need to abstain from kisses, nor +be forced to keep a fast from a glance of your love in the +night. If you can rise to be at the parish church door +punctually between the hours of twelve and one in the +morning, and then and there put only the fore-finger of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[173]</a></span> +your right hand into the key-hole of the said door, repeating +the following words, three times over—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">O sweet St. Agnes, now draw near</span> +<span class="i4">With my true love, let him appear.</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>Then he will straight approach to you with a cheerful +and smiling countenance. This is a new and infallible way +of making the trial.</p> + +<p>Fifthly, my dear daughters, you all know the thirteenth +day of February is Valentine's Day, at which time the fowls +of the air couple together, and not only so, but the young +men and maidens are for choosing mates at the same time. +Now, that you may speed to your full satisfaction, follow +this approved direction: Take five bay leaves, lay one under +every corner of your pillow, and the fifth under the middle, +then laying yourself down to rest, repeat the following +words in the four lines, seven times over—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">Some guardian angel let me have</span> +<span class="i4">What I most earnestly do crave,</span> +<span class="i4">A valentine endowed with love,</span> +<span class="i4">Which will both kind and constant prove.</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>"Then to your great content, you shall either have the +valentine of him you desire, or, at least, one much more +excellent.</p> + +<p>"Sixthly, the experiment of the midsummer smock, found +in a better manner than before, by my painful study in +philosophy. And now, daughters," quoth she, "take particular +notice, for it is thus: Let seven of you together, on a +midsummer's eve, exactly at the sun's setting, go silently +into some garden, and gather each of you a sprig of red +sage, then return to some private room, prepared particularly +for that purpose, with a stool placed in the middle, +each one of you having a clean smock, turned the wrong +side outwards, hanging upon a line across the room, then let +every one lay her sprig of red sage on a clean plate of rosewater +set on a stool; which done, place yourselves in a row,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[174]</a></span> +where continue till twelve or one o'clock, saying nothing, +whatever you see, for after midnight, each one's sweetheart +or husband, that shall be, will take each maid's sprig out of +the rosewater, and sprinkle his love's smock, and those who +are so unfortunate as never to be married, their sprigs shall +not be moved; and in consequence hereof many sobs and +heavy sighs will be heard. This has been very often tried +in our own country, and never failed of the desired effect.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">These things I have found out of late,</span> +<span class="i4">To make young lovers fortunate.</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>"And now, my dear daughters, I have but a few more +words to say at this time, and they are by way of caution: +In the twelve months I find above one and thirty very unfortunate +days; and therefore, as you regard the future +happiness of your lives, take care that you do not enter into +wedlock upon those days. Now, for your better instruction, +I'll tell you which they be.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">"In January there are four; the 7th, 16th, 17th, and 18th.</span> +<span class="i4">February hath two; the 5th and 10th.</span> +<span class="i4">March hath three; the 9th, 10th, and 21st.</span> +<span class="i4">April hath two; the 6th and 7th.</span> +<span class="i4">May hath two; the 4th and 13th.</span> +<span class="i4">June hath three; the 7th, 9th, and 10th.</span> +<span class="i4">July hath two; the 9th and 17th.</span> +<span class="i4">August hath two; the 11th and 15th.</span> +<span class="i4">September hath three; the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th.</span> +<span class="i4">October hath three; the 4th, 14th, and 15th.</span> +<span class="i4">November hath two; the 5th and 24th.</span> +<span class="i4">December hath three; the 6th, 7th, and 9th.</span> +<span class="i5"> Observe my rules for all these days,</span> +<span class="i5"> And then you will your fortune raise."</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>This said, old Mother Bunch presented them with a cup +of her fine cordial water, and so dismissed them; and the +young damsels, with rapturous hearts, returned her their +hearty thanks.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[175]</a></span></p> + +<p>After Mother Bunch had done dinner, the young men +came, to wit, Tom the miller, Ralph the thatcher, and Robin +the ploughman, with a great number of other trades and +callings, all whom Mother Bunch invited to sit down that +she might deliver her wholesome counsels to them.</p> + +<p>And first she begins with Tom the miller, saying, "Ah, +Tom! thou art a sad wild young fellow; there is not a maid +that can come to the mill but thou will be fooling with them, +but take my word for it, if you do not leave off in time, you +will certainly spoil all your fortune. What woman do you +think, having a portion, will have such a one? She may +justly conclude that you will still run a catterwauling after +young wenches, and leave her to sigh and weep for want of +domestic happiness—you know what I mean, Tom."</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes, mother," quoth Tom, "but sure you do not +take me for such a one." "Yes, Tom, I do, and am seldom +mistaken. It is you millers that fill the country so full of +cracked-headed maidens, that when an honest husband comes +to marry he finds the hearts already stolen away. But +farewell, I'll have no more to say to such a fellow as you."</p> + +<p>Then turning to Ralph the thatcher, she said, "I find you +are very desirous of a wife, and your ambition is such that +she must be rich, young, and beautiful: cannot you content +yourself with honest Joan, to whom you gave promise of +marriage? And now I find you have a mind to leave her, +which if you do, and obtain such a one as you desire, I can +tell you what will follow. She won't stand picking of straws +with you, her fair face will find many friends in a corner, +and you may chance to be a cuckold, and indeed but justly +served in your kind; and, therefore, I advise you to return +to your old love, for she is a very honest girl, and therefore +far more fit for you than such a gay butterfly as you have +lately followed."</p> + +<p>Then she stretched forth her hand to Robin the ploughman, +saying, "Thou art an honest fellow, and good fortune<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[176]</a></span> +will always attend thee. I mean not bags of gold nor heaps +of silver; but thou shalt have a careful and industrious wife, +one that will ever be willing and ready to labour, a true and +faithful yoke-mate, and one that will be a cheerful partner +in thy weal and woe, to comfort and support thee under the +greatest and most severe trials. For, as the poet has it—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">That burden may be borne</span> +<span class="i5">By two with care,</span> +<span class="i4">Which is perhaps too much</span> +<span class="i5">For one to bear.</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>"Honest Robin, this is thy happy fortune, and as thou art +a downright honest fellow, I am glad to find it so."</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">Thus Mother Bunch went round the room,</span> +<span class="i4">And told them what would be their doom,</span> +<span class="i4">If they her daughters did betray,</span> +<span class="i4">And steal their maiden hearts away,</span> +<span class="i4">Each would be punished with a bride,</span> +<span class="i4">By whom he should be hornify'd;</span> +<span class="i4">But if they were right honest men,</span> +<span class="i4">Each of them should have fortune then.</span> +<span class="i4">This said, she did her blessing give,</span> +<span class="i4">In love and happiness to live;</span> +<span class="i4">Which when they did the same receive,</span> +<span class="i4">Of Mother Bunch they took their leave,</span> +<span class="i4">Declaring she had told them more,</span> +<span class="i4">Than e'er they understood before.</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>Now for these poor young creatures that have pined +themselves to death, and have no cure, the worst of +pretenders to physiognomy might prescribe them a remedy, +and all those of what constitution soever that have hoped +houses of their own, I will show you how you shall see the +person that is to give you one, collected from Trismegistus +and Cornelius Agrippa.</p> + +<p>On midsummer Eve three or four of you must dip your +dresses in fair water, then turn them wrong side outwards,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[177]</a></span> +and hang them on chairs before the fire, and lay some salt +in another chair, and speak not a word. In a short time +the likeness of him you are to marry will come and turn your +dresses, and drink to you; but if there be any of you will +never marry, they will hear a bell, but not the rest.</p> + +<div class="center"> +<i>Another way, quickly tried.</i><br /> +</div> + +<p>Take hemp-seed, and go into what place you will by yourself, +carry the seed in your apron, and with your right hand +throw it over your shoulder saying,</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">Hemp-seed I sow, hemp-seed I sow,</span> +<span class="i4">And he that must be my true love,</span> +<span class="i4">Come after me and mow.<br /><br /></span> + +</div></div> + +<p>And at the ninth time expect to see the figure of him you +are to wed, or else hear a bell as before.</p> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">Yet though you hear the sad and dismal bell</span> +<span class="i4">It is your own fault if you hear the horrid knell.</span> +</div></div> + + +<div class="center"><i>Another way.</i></div> + + +<p>You that dare venture into a churchyard, just as it strikes +twelve at night, take a naked sword in your hand, and go +nine times about the church, saying,</p> + + +<div class="center">Here's the sword, but where's the scabbard?<br /></div> + + +<p>Which continue the whole time you go round; and the +ninth time the person you are to marry will meet you with +a scabbard and so kiss you: if not, a bell as before.</p> + + +<div class="center"><i>Another, called the Dutch Cake.</i></div> + + +<p>Three, four, or more of you must make a cake of flour and +salt (no matter of what flour), and some of each of your own +baking; make your cake broad, and each of you set the two +first letters of your name with a pin, but leave such a distance +that it may be cut; then set it before the fire, but +speak not one word. Turn it each of you once; and the +person to be your husband will cut out your name; then +the next, unto the last.</p> + + +<div class="center"><i>Another way.</i></div> + + +<p>The first change of the new moon on the New Year, the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[178]</a></span> +first time you see it, hold your hands across, saying this +three times—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">New moon, new moon, I pray thee,</span> +<span class="i4">Tell me this night who my true love will be.</span> + +</div></div> + +<p>Then go to sleep without speaking a word, and you will certainly +dream of the person you shall marry.</p> + + +<div class="center"><i>Another way experienced often.</i></div> + + +<p>Young men and maids may take some rosemary flowers, +bay leaves, a little thyme, sweet marjoram, and southern-wood; +make these into powder, and with barley flour make +a cake, but do not bake it. Lay this under your head any +Friday night; and if you dream of music, you will wed +those you desire in a short time; if of the sea or ships, you +will travel first; if of a church, you must be contented to +die single.</p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h5>THE</h5> + +<h2>COMICAL HISTORY</h2> + +<h5>OF THE</h5> + +<h1>COURTIER AND TINKER</h1> + + + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + + +<div class="center"><i>The Courtier finds the Tinker asleep; he has him carried in<br /> +that posture to his house; lays him on a Bed in a<br /> +stately Room with rich Clothes by him; feasts and<br /> +entertains him with fine Music; makes him<br /> +drunk, and then conveys him<br /> +back again.</i><br /></div> + + + +<p>A Courtier one day riding along with his retinue espied a +Tinker who had been taking a very early draught to quench +the spark in his throat, lying fast asleep, and snoring under +a sunny bank, having made his budget into his pillow, to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[179]</a></span> +rest his drowsy head upon; and the Courtier's country +house not being far off, he immediately caused his servants +to take him up very softly, and carry him thither, then to +put him in a stately bed in the next chamber, pull off his +foul shirt, and put on him a clean one, then convey away his +old clothes, and lay rich ones by him. This was punctually +observed. The Tinker being thus laid, slept soundly till +evening; when rousing up between sleeping and waking, and +being dry, as drunkards usually are, he began to call for +some drink, but was greatly frighted to find himself in such +a palace, furnished with lights and attendants about him, +that bowed to him, and harmonious music, accompanied +with most charming voices, but none of them to be seen. +Whereupon looking for his old clothes and budget, he found +a muff and rich attire glistening with gold by him, which +made him fancy himself metamorphosed from a Tinker to a +Prince. He asked many questions, but in vain, yet being +willing to rise, the attendants arrayed him in the richest +attire; so then he looked on all sides admiring the sudden +change of fortune, and as proud as a peacock when he +spreads his tail against the glittering beams of the sun. And +being arrayed, they had him into another room, where was +a costly banquet prepared, and placed him in a chair, under +a fine canopy, fringed with gold, being attended with wine +in gilded cups. At first he strained courtesy, but being entreated +to sit down, the banquet being solely at his disposal, +he fell to most heartily. Then after supper they plied him +with so much wine, as to make him dead drunk, then stripped +him, and put on his old clothes; they carried him as they had +brought him, and laid him in the same posture they found +him, being all this time asleep; and when he awoke he took +all that had happened before for a vision, telling it wherever +he came, that he had really and verily dreamed he had +been a prince, telling them as well as he could all that had +happened, but plainly he saw now again his fortune would<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[180]</a></span> +raise him no higher than to mend old kettles; yet he made +the following song for the fraternity to sing at their leisure:—</p> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">All you that jovial Tinkers are,</span> +<span class="i5">Come listen unto me:</span> +<span class="i4">I dreamed a dream that was so rare,</span> +<span class="i4">That none to it I can compare,</span> +<span class="i5">No Tinker such did see.</span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">I thought I was a King indeed,</span> +<span class="i5">Attired gay and fine;</span> +<span class="i4">In a stately palace I did tread,</span> +<span class="i4">Was to a princely banquet led,</span> +<span class="i5">And had good cheer of wine.</span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">But soon I found me in a ditch,</span> +<span class="i5">That did no comfort lend;</span> +<span class="i4">This shows a Tinker, though he itch</span> +<span class="i4">To be a Prince, or to grow rich,</span> +<span class="i5">Must still old kettles mend.</span> +</div></div> + + + +<p><br /></p> + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + + +<div class="center"><i>The Courtier's Trick upon the Tinker for complaining that he<br /> +could get no drink at his house.</i><br /></div> + + + +<p>The Tinker I have before mentioned, not knowing the house +where he had been so nobly entertained, and which he only +took for a vision, and often walking that road and crying old +brass to mend, had been called in to work, and was often +asked various questions by the servants, and as often told +them his imaginary vision; but they giving him no strong +liquor, he often complained of it in the town, saying, +"Though some had praised Sir John's liberality, and how +free he was of his liquor, yet for his own part, he could say +no such thing, as having ever found him so stingy and +niggardly, that not so much as one sup of his famed March +or October beer could he get." This being babbled about +came to the Courtier's ears, who was resolved to punish +his sauciness, though in a comical way. So one day<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[181]</a></span> +as he was passing by, he ordered him to be called in to +do some work; and after he had done it to come to him (as +having laid all his schemes with his servants beforehand). +"Come, old fellow," said he, "you look as if you were as dry +as Vulcan. What say you if I should order you where you +may have your fill of good drink? Would not you be glad +of it?" "Ay, master," said he, making a nod and a scrape, +"God's blessing on your heart for it, and I thank you too."</p> + +<p>Upon this he ordered his butler to have him down, and +be sure not to stint him, and let him have his full swill. They +instantly went, and the Tinker followed them very joyfully. +But they had no sooner gotten him down, but shutting to +the door close, they ordered him to strip immediately; at +the which he much wondered, and began to make excuses +on account of the blackness of his hide, which would be very +undecent and unseemly. But they pretended it was the +way of the cellar, when a new comer was to be made free of +it, but never after, how oft soever he came. He being willing +to comply, that he might have his skin full of good +liquor, that might prove both as meat and cloth to him, off +went his leathern doublet, breeches, shoes, stockings, and +hat; as for shirt he had none, having pawned it to his +hostess that morning for three noggins of brandy. Then +taking a frisk or two in a merry vein, they surprisingly +whipped him up by the heels, and put him into a full butt of +strong beer, the upper head being taken up for that purpose. +So he dipped over head and ears like a duck that dives. Yet +after he had recovered his legs, it was but just shoulder +deep, for when upon winding of the horn, whilst he would +have been scrambling out, down came Sir John, demanding +what was the matter. They told him "the Tinker was not +content to drink full horns at the cock, but would needs go +in to drink all at a draught." "Aye," said he, "this is a +thirsty soul indeed; but since he undertakes to drink it, he +shall do it, for none of my servants shall drink it now, he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[182]</a></span> +has washed his dirty hide in it;" crying to him with an +angry voice, "Sirrah, you rogue, drink it as you proposed, +or it shall be worse for you," and while he stood shivering +up to his neck, and was endeavouring to lay the blame upon +others, the Courtier seemed impatient to be dallied with, +drew a broad sword that was two-edged, protesting his head +should go off for abusing his good liquor, was there no more +Tinkers in the world, and with that, making a full blow at +him, as the Tinker believed. And seeing him in such a +passion, he to avoid the coming stroke dropped down over +head and ears, staying under as long as he could, and peeping +up, and seeing the threatening danger, he dropped down +again for six or seven times. Till fearing to carry the jest +too far, he gave him a short respite, telling him, "Now he +could not report abroad he was so very niggardly of his drink, +for he had or might have enough of it." Then bidding his +servants to take him out, and ordered him to depart, or drink +it up, which he thought fit. And thus he went away +laughing. The Tinker, who was at first very angry, but +being cheered up with a cordial dram, and so made sensible +that all this was but a frolic, and that for the future their +master would be his good friend if he behaved civilly, he +was pacified, and so putting on his clothes, he beat the road +for a gang of merry fellows of his acquaintance, informing +them, there was a hogshead of March beer at Sir John's, +which they all might be partakers of if they choosed; they +came joyfully, and had it brought into the court-yard, in +black jacks. After they had drunk it, the Tinker told them +the cause of its being given away, was because there was a +swine that had unexpectedly fallen into it; but on further +inquiry he told them all the circumstances, which set them +a-laughing till their sides were almost cracked. Afterwards +they had plenty of victuals sent them, and the Tinker being +thus made free of the cellar, was ordered to call at the house, +and have victuals and drink as often as he came that way.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[183]</a></span> +And so they departed, spreading the fame of Sir John in +every place they came, as a bountiful benefactor; singing as +they went, the following song:—</p> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">Good house-keeping, they say, is fled,</span> +<span class="i5">Or hawks or hounds, and whores have rid her;</span> +<span class="i4">But we say she's not fled nor dead,</span> +<span class="i5">Who have so plentiful beheld her.</span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">Long may he flourish in this nation,</span> +<span class="i5">And get it praised as of old,</span> +<span class="i4">That we by following the French fashion,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5">May not make charity grow cold.</span> +</div></div> + + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>A Comical Trick he made the Tinker serve an old Farmer, +who used to ride sleeping, making him think +that his horse was the Devil.</i></div> + + +<p>The Tinker being better pleased with his treatment, often +frequented the house, making the Knight merry with his +pleasant songs, etc., so that he was much pleased with his +conversation, and often gave him money, and one day put +him upon a frolic, seeing him an apt fellow. He had seen +an old curmudgeon farmer, sleeping and nodding on his +horse, as he came from market, and giving the Tinker directions +what to do, when he should come by, knowing his +hour, and delivering him a parcel of crackers and other fireworks, +he caused him to be dressed in a raw hide with +horns, when the Tinker, according to order, with the help of +a servant, having stopped the farmer's horse, while the rider +was sleeping, pitched four stakes, one at each corner of the +pannel, and ungirting, he drew the horse from under, when +taking off the bridle, he put his own head into the headstal; +so then after he placed the fireworks under the pannel, he +put a fuse lighted to them, and so kept motion as the horse +used to do with the nodding farmer, who having the reins +about his wrist, by his kicking he awaked, and seeing him<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[184]</a></span>self +on a frightful beast, which he took for Beelzebub, he +cried out, when the fire-work taking, blew up him and the +pannel, and made him to fall quash to the ground, so that +the Tinker made off with the stakes and pannel. The old +man no sooner got up, but he fell to running, crying out, +"The Devil, the Devil," and never durst come that way +again but in company, rather choosing to go five miles +about.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>The Tinker complains to the Courtier of a Butcher's Dog +that often assaulted him. The Courtier, in the +Tinker's habit, fights and kills him; +and of his Examination before a Justice.</i></div> + + +<p>The Tinker being awarded with a crown for his dexterity, +went away; but one day being in merry talk with our +Courtier, he changed his tone sadly, and told him that a +butcher, on such a road, kept a lion-like mastiff dog; that he +was not so much afraid to encounter him, as that if he would +kill him, the butcher as he told him, would send him to jail, +and punish him at the next sessions, having one Justice +Clodpole on his side, who was his landlord, and whose house +he served with meat, and doubted not would hearken to anything +he said against him although ever so false and unjust.</p> + +<p>Sir John having listened to his complaint, and laughed, +bid him be of good cheer, for himself would try the dog +adventure. Upon this he ordered some clothes to be brought, +which the Tinker stripping, put on, and the Knight +put on his, except his shirt, and taking his budget, pike staff, +kettle, and hammer, away he went, beating his kettle, +and crying, "Work for a Tinker," till he came near the +butcher's house. The dog soon heard the tink, tink, and +away he runs open-mouthed to meet the Tinker, they laughing +to see how he would fright him; but Sir John having +now thrown down his budget, was ready to receive him with +the pike end of the staff, and after the dog wheeled, he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[185]</a></span> +returned and advanced eagerly to fly at his throat, but he +thrust the pike of his staff into his breast; upon which he +ran away howling, and tracing the ground with his blood, +till he came to his master's, where he died. At this he was so +much enraged, that he carried a constable, and seized the +Knight, who purposely made no resistance. So taking him +before a Justice, he made very great complaints against him.</p> + +<p>The Justice very gravely demanded what the fellow was +brought before him for? The butcher said, "An't please +your Worship, fur killing my servant." "Aye," said the +Justice, "he looks like a bloody-minded villain, therefore +write his mittimus, and see he be well-ironed, lest he make +his escape."</p> + +<p>"I beseech your good Worship not to be so rash and +hasty," said the Knight, "as to pass sentence upon me so +hard. Pray ask this butcher what servant of his I killed?" +"Ay," said the Justice, "let him speak." "Then in truth," +said the Butcher, "I ought in conscience to speak the truth; +it was but a dog, but such a dog, as I say I would not have +taken the best five guineas in the country for. Do you see me, +sir, he had rare qualities over other dogs; he would not only +fetch home my sheep out of the field when I wanted them, +and save me that trouble, but do you see, Mr. Justice, he +would go a sheep-hunting, and drive me home a couple, and +sometimes half a dozen of wild sheep, which nobody owned +or I did not think fit to inquire after, or they after me; so +that he made me a thriving man: besides he was the safeguard +of my house, and I believe that he killed him on purpose +that he might rob me."</p> + +<p>"Ay, ay," said the Justice; "all this is true, and you +speak like an honest man, and he looks indeed like a rogue, +and I believe you; but, however, we can't, indeed hang +men for a dog, but I'll send him to jail, and there he shall lie +and rot in his lousy linen, and drink kennel-water, and not +one bit of meat, unless now and then a roasted turnip, cooled<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[186]</a></span> +on a burdock leaf." "This is a very hard sentence, indeed, +Mr. Justice," said our counterfeit Tinker. "No, no," replied +the Justice, "it is too mild a one for such a villain as you +are." But added, "I had like to have forgot a material +point in his examination. Tell me, sirrah, how you came +to kill this honest man's dog?" "Why, sir," said he, "with +the pike end of my staff for running at me to bite me." +"Aye, aye," said the Justice, "that was villainous in you; +could you not have turned the other end, and given him a +rap upon the pate?" "Yes," replied he, "if he had come +to me with his tail foremost."</p> + +<p>"Prithee, show me," said the Justice, "how he came at +thee?"—"I will show your worship; he came open mouthed, +as I do to you now, crying, bow, wow, wow." And here +running against the Justice, overthrew him in his chair to +the ground; so that he most loudly cried out, "Murder!" +and being got up he ordered his mittimus to be made, reviling +him at a desperate rate. But all on a sudden the tables +were turned; for no sooner being asked, but he told his +name. When up starts the Justice, and coming unto him with +a low reverence, "Oh! Sir John," said he, "Is it you! who +could ever have thought it! I am heartily sorry for what I +have said." Then turning to the butcher, who stood wondering, +said, "Sirrah, you rascal, do you keep dogs to assault +gentlemen? but I will teach you better manners; come bind +him over to the sessions directly, and if he has no bail, take +him to jail. This is a pretty thing indeed, that people cannot +pass the road peaceably for such rogues as you keeping +dogs." But Sir John interposing, all was pacified, and the +butcher went home with a flea in his ear.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[187]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h5>THE</h5> + +<h2>HISTORY</h2> + +<h5>OF THE</h5> + +<h1>FOUR KINGS</h1> + +<h5>OF</h5> + +<h4>Canterbury, Colchester, Cornwall, and Cumberland,</h4> + +<h4><i>Their Queens and Daughters;</i></h4> + +<h4>BEING</h4> + +<h4>The Merry Tales of <span class="smcap">Tom Hodge</span> and his School-Fellows.</h4> + + + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h2><span class="smcap">The Preface.</span></h2> + + +<p>Not to detain the reader with many words to little purpose, +I shall only here observe that Tom Hodge, with the rest of +his old companions, belonging to the school of Cockermouth, +were walking on a very pleasant morning in May, and +having tired themselves with pranks and intrigues, towards +evening they sat themselves down on a green bank, beneath +a lovely oak, where they agreed amongst themselves that +everyone should tell a tale, or pay a fine; and because Tom +was the eldest scholar, it was concluded and agreed upon +that he should begin first.</p> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">Says Tom, "With all my heart,</span> +<span class="i4">So I'll begin my part."</span> +</div></div> + + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale I.</span></h3> + + +<p>Once upon a time, when the opinion was common in England +that those whose age and experience enabled them to +determine the consequences of certain actions were wizards +and witches, there was a queen in this realm, whose name<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[188]</a></span> +was Elizabeth; and by reason that the famous town of Lancaster +was strangely pestered with witches, the queen sent +some judges down to arraign and try them in order to bring +them to justice.</p> + +<p>Now the news of this court being to be kept in Lancaster, +spread through all the country, so that a husbandman living +near forty miles from that place, hearing of this, news, and +believing they were come to tell the folks whether they +were witches or not, resolved to go to be satisfied in himself, +for he was possessed with a fear that he was a witch, because +he had a wart grew on his neck, which he imagined +to be a dug.</p> + +<p>His wife, who had a friend in a corner, and was therefore +glad of his absence, did not only give her consent, but also +dressed him in his best leathern suit and broad-brimmed +hat. So taking leave of his good wife Joan, he trudged on +day and night until he came to the place where the court +was kept; so rushing on and pressing through the crowd, +the crier of the court believing him to be some evidence, +gave orders that they should let him in, which was soon +done, and he was required to speak what he had to say. +"Why," says the countryman, "d'ye see, I've a dug upon my +neck, which makes me afraid I am a witch, and volks tell +me that these vine gentlemen (pointing to the judges) can +tell a body whether one is a witch or no." The crier of the +court seeing the simplicity of the man, said, "No, no, my +friend, I can assure thee thou art no witch; thou lookest +more like a cuckold than a witch or a conjurer." "I thank +you, zur; and zo zays these vine gentlemen." Then having +given three or four scrapes and half a dozen congees, he +came back as wise as Waltham's calf. The next day he was +met by his wife, who waited for his return at the town's +end, to whom she said, "Well, husband, what do the gentlemen +say? are you a witch or no?" "A witch, sweet wife, +no; they tells a body one looks more like a cuckold than a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[189]</a></span> +witch, or a conjurer." "Why say you so?" replied she; "I +prithee go back and have them taken up for witches; for +except they had been so, they would not have known you +were a cuckold."</p> + +<p>This merry tale so pleased them that they set up a hearty +laugh, which, being ended, the second boy began his tale in +the following manner.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale II.</span></h3> + + +<p>In the days of yore, when this land was governed by many +kings, among the rest the king of Canterbury had an only +daughter, and she was wise, fair, and beautiful. Her father +sent forth a decree that whoever would watch one night +with his daughter, and neither sleep nor slumber, he should +have her the next day in marriage; but if he did either, he +should lose his head. Many knights and squires attempted +it, but lost their heads.</p> + +<p>Now, it happened a young shepherd, grazing his flock near +the road, said to his master, "Zur, I zee many gentlemen +ride to the court at Canterbury, but ne'er see 'em return +again." "O, shepherd!" said his master, "I know not how +they should; for they attempt to watch with the king's +daughter, according to the decree, and not performing it, +they are all beheaded." "Well," said the shepherd, "I'll +try my vorton; zo now vor a king's daughter or a headless +shepherd." And taking his bottle and bag, he trudged to +court. Now, in his way, he was to cross a river, over which +lay a plank; down he sits, and pulls off his shoes and stockings +to wash his feet, lest the smell of his toes might be the +means of keeping her awake. While he was washing his +feet a fish came smelling and biting his toes; he caught it and +put it into his bag: after which came a second, a third, and +a fourth, which he caught and put in his bag likewise. This +done, and dried his feet, he put on his stockings and shoes, +and pursued his journey till he came to the palace, where<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[190]</a></span> +he knocked loudly with his crook. He was no sooner let in, +and having told his business, but he was conducted to a +hall, prepared for that purpose, where the king's daughter +sat ready to receive him; and the better to lull his senses, +he was placed in a rich easy chair, having delicious wines +for his supper, with many fine dishes of fruit, etc., of which +the shepherd ate and drank plentifully, insomuch that he +began to slumber before midnight. "O shepherd," said the +lady, "I have caught you napping?" "Not, zweet ally, I +was busy." "At what?" said she. "Why a feeshing." +"Nay, shepherd, there is no fish-pond in the hall," "No +matter vor that, I have been feeshing." Says the lady, +"Where do you fish?" "O," quoth he, "in my bag." "O +me, have you catched e'er a one?" "Ay, lady," said he. +"I'd willingly see it," replied she. "Ay, an't please you, +you shall with all my heart." This said, he slyly drew one +of the fishes out of his bag, at the sight of which she was +greatly pleased, and praised it for a pretty fish: and withal +said, "Dear shepherd, do you think you could catch one in +mine too?" "Ay, ay, doubtless I can." Then he fell to fishing, +and in a short time drew a second fish out of the bag pretending +he drew it from her. The king's daughter was so +pleased with it that she kissed it, declaring it was the finest +she ever saw. And about half an hour after she said, +"Shepherd, do you think you could get me one more?" +He answered, "Mayhap I may, when I have baited my +hook." "Then make haste, for I am impatient till I have +another." Then the shepherd acted as before, and so presented +her with another fish, which she also extolled and +praised, saying, "It was ten times finer than the other;" +and then gave him leave to sleep, promising to excuse him +to her father.</p> + +<p>In the morning the king came into the hall as usual, followed +by the headsman with a hatchet; but the lady cried +out, "You may return with your hatchet, here is no work<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[191]</a></span> +for you." "How so," said the king, "has he neither slumbered +nor slept?" "No, royal father, he has not." "How +has he employed himself?" "In fishing." "Why, there is +never a fish-pond; where did he catch them?" "One in +his own bag, and two in this one of mine." "Say you so? +Well, friend, dost thou think thou can'st catch one in +mine?" "An't please you, my liege, I believe I can." Then +directing the king to lie down, he poked him with a +packing needle, which made him cry out exceedingly; at +which time he drew the other fish out of the bag, and showed +it to the king. His majesty said, "He never knew such +sort of fishing before; however, take my daughter, according +to my royal decree." And so they were married, and the +wedding kept in great triumph, and the shepherd became a +king's son.</p> + +<p>"O that was mighty well," said the third boy, "he had +wonderful good fortune. This puts me in mind of a story, +which I will now tell in my turn."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale III.</span></h3> + + +<p>If I may believe my old grandmother, there lived in the +county of Cumberland a nobleman, who had three sons. +Two of them were comely and tall youths, wise and learned; +the third a merry fool, and went often in a party-coloured +coat and steeple crowned hat, at the top of which was a +tassel In this dress he made a comical figure. At this +time the king of Canterbury had a fine daughter, adorned +with all the gifts of nature, joined to an ingenious education, +she being very ripe-witted, as appeared by her ready +answers and the comical questions she put forth. The king, +her father, published a decree, that whoever should come to +the court, and answer his daughter three questions, without +study or stumbling, should have her in marriage, and also +be heir to the crown at his decease. On publishing this +decree, the said gentleman's two sons agreed between themselves<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[192]</a></span> +to go and try how favourable fortune might be to +them in this undertaking; but all their care was what they +should do with their silly brother Jack; for, as they said, if +he follows us, he will out with some foolish bolt, and so spoil +our business. At length it was agreed on going to the court, +to go out of the back door, which led to the road over several +fields, about a mile from the house. They did so, but were +no sooner got into the highway, but looking behind, they +saw their brother Jack coming capering and dancing after +them, saying, with a loud laughter, "So you are going to +get a king's daughter, but I will pursue you." They saw +there was no way to get rid of him, but by walking fast and +leaving him behind, hoping thereby to get entrance before +Jack, and then have the gates shut against him. They had +not gone half a mile before Jack set up a great fit of laughter, +at which one of his brothers said, "What's the fool found +out now?" "Why, I've found an egg." "Put it in thy +pocket," said his brothers. "Adad, and so I will," says +Jack. Presently after he was taken with another fit of +laughter. "What's the fool found now?" "What have I +found!" says Jack, "why a crooked stick." They bid him +put that in his pocket also. "Ay, marry, will I." They +had not walked much farther before Jack burst into a +greater fit of laughter than before. His brothers said, +"What's the fool found now?" "Found! why an +orange." "Put that in your pocket likewise." "I intend +it," says Jack. Now, by this time they were come near the +palace gate, at which they no sooner knocked but they +were admitted. But Jack never stood for ceremonies, but +ran through the midst of the court, and as the wise brothers +were making their addresses, Jack was laughing at the +ladies, unto whom he said, "What a troop of fair ladies are +got here!" "O yes, yes," said the king's daughter, who was +among them, "we are fair ladies, for we carry fire in our +bosom." "Do you?" said Jack; "then roast me an egg."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[193]</a></span> +"How will you get it out again?" "By a crooked stick +which I have." "Ay, you will?" said she. "I have it in my +pocket," says Jack. In this Jack answered the three +questions proposed. Then he was preferred to that honour +which was mentioned in the decree. His two wise brothers +then went home like two fools, and left foolish Jack to be +reverenced at court with the king's fair daughter.</p> + +<p>Said the fourth boy, "This verifies the old proverb, +'Fools have fortune'; besides, it has put me in mind of a +story that was told me by my aunt."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale IV.</span></h3> + + +<p>Long before Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, +here reigned, in the easterly part of this land, a king who +kept his court at Colchester. He was witty, strong and +valiant, by which means he subdued his enemies abroad +and planted peace among his subjects at home.</p> + +<p>Nevertheless, in the midst of all his earthly glory, his +queen died, leaving behind her an only daughter, about +fifteen years of age under the care of her royal husband. +This lady, from her courtly carriage, beauty, and affability, +was the wonder of all that knew her; but, as covetousness +is the root of all evil, so it happened here.</p> + +<p>The king hearing of a lady who had likewise an only +daughter, for the sake of her riches had a mind to marry +her, though she was old, ugly, hook-nosed, and hump-backed, +yet all could not deter him from marrying her. The +daughter of the said piece of deformity was a yellow dowdy, +full of envy and ill-nature; and, in short, was much of the +same mould as her mother. This signified nothing, for in a +few weeks the king, attended by the nobility and gentry, +brought the said piece of deformity to his palace, where the +marriage rites were performed. Long they had not been in +the court before they set the king against his own beautiful +daughter, which was done by false reports and accusations.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[194]</a></span> +The young princess, having lost her father's love, grew +weary of the court, and on a certain day meeting with her +father in the garden, she desired him, with tears in her +eyes, to give her a small subsistence and she would go and +seek her fortune, to which the king consented, and ordered +her mother-in-law to make up a small sum according to her +discretion. To her she went, who gave her a canvas bag of +brown bread, a hard cheese, with a bottle of beer. Though +this was but a very pitiful dowry for a king's daughter, she +took it, returned thanks, and so proceeded, passing through +groves, woods, and valleys, till at length she saw an old man +sitting on a stone at the mouth of a cave, who said, "Good +morning, fair maiden, whither away so fast?" "Aged +father," says she, "I am going to seek my fortune." "What +hast thou in thy bag and bottle?" "In my bag I have got +bread and cheese, and in my bottle good small beer; will +you please to partake of either?" "Yes," said he, "with +all my heart." With that the lady pulled out her provision, +and bid him eat and welcome. He did, and gave her many +thanks, telling her there was a thick thorny hedge before +her, which will appear to you impassable, but take this wand +in your hand, strike three times, and say, "Pray hedge, let +me come through;" and it will open immediately. Then a +little further you will find a well, sit down on the brink of +it, and there will come up three golden heads which will +speak; and what they require, that do. Then promising +she would, she took her leave of him. Coming to the hedge, +and following the old man's direction, the hedge divided +and gave her a passage. Then coming to the well, she had +no sooner sitten down, but a golden head came up with a +singing note, "Wash me, comb me, lay me down softly." +"Yes," said the young lady; then putting forth her hand +with a silver comb performed the office, placing it upon a +primrose bank. Then came up a second, and a third, saying +as the former, which she complied with; and then pulling<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[195]</a></span> +out her provision, ate her dinner. Then said the heads one +to another, "What shall we do for this lady, who hath used +us so very kindly?" The first said, "I will cause such addition +to her beauty as shall charm the most powerful prince +in the world." The second said, "I will endow her with +such perfume, both in body and breath, as shall far exceed +the sweetest flowers." The third said, "My gift shall be +none of the least, for as she is a king's daughter. I'll make +her so fortunate that she shall become queen to the greatest +prince that reigns." This done, at their request she let them +down into the well again, and so proceeded on her journey. +She had not travelled long before she saw a king hunting in +the park with his nobles. She would have shunned him, +but the king having a sight of her, made towards her, and +between her beauty and perfumed breath, was so powerfully +smitten that he was not able to subdue his passion, but proceeded +on his courtship, where, after some compliments and +kind embraces, he gained her love. And bringing her to his +palace, he caused her to be clothed in the most magnificent +manner.</p> + +<p>This being ended, and the king finding that she was the +king of Colchester's daughter, ordered some chariots to be +got ready that he might pay him a visit. The chariot in +which the king and queen rode was beautified with rich +ornamental gems of gold. The king, her father, was at first +astonished that his daughter had been so fortunate as she +was till the young king made him sensible of all that happened. +Great was the joy at court among the nobility, +except the queen and her club-footed daughter, who were +ready to burst with malice, and envied her happiness; and +the greater was their madness because she was now above +them all. Great rejoicings, with feasting and dancing, continued +many days. Then at length, with the dowry that +her father gave her, they returned home.</p> + +<p>"Well," said the fifth boy, "had she not been kind and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[196]</a></span> +beautiful, such good fortune had never come to her lot. And +pray what became of her hump-backed sister-in-law?" +"Indeed I know not." "Why, then," said the fifth boy, "I +can tell you something of her."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale V.</span></h3> + + +<p>She, perceiving that her sister was so happy in seeking her +fortune, would needs do the same; so disclosing her mind to +her mother, all preparations were made; not only rich +apparel, but sweetmeats, sugar, almonds, etc., in great quantities, +and a large bottle of Malaga sack. Thus furnished +she went the same road as her sister, and coming near the +cave, there sat the old man, who said, "Young woman, +whither, so fast?" "What is that to you?" said she. +Then said he, "What have you in your bag and bottle?" +She answered, "Good things, what you shall not be troubled +with." "Won't you give me some?" said he. "No, not a +bit nor a drop, unless it would choke you." The old man +frowned, saying, "Evil fortune attend thee." Going on, she +came to the hedge, through which she espied a gap, where +she thought to pass, but going in the hedge closed, and the +thorns run into her flesh, so that with great difficulty she +got out. Being now in a bloody condition, she looks for +water to wash herself, and looking round she saw a well, +and sitting down, one of the heads came up to her, saying, +"Wash me, comb me, lay me down softly." But she banged +it with her bottle, saying, "Hang you, take this for your +washing." So the second and third heads came up, and met +with no better welcome than the first. Whereupon the +heads consulted among themselves what evils to plague her +with for such usage. The first said, "Let her be struck +with leprosy in her face." The second said, "Let an additional +stink be added to her breath." The third bestowed +on her a husband, though but a poor country cobbler. This +done, she goes on till she came to a market town, and it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[197]</a></span> +being market day, the people smelt a stink, and seeing such +a mangy face, all fled but a poor cobbler, who not long before +had mended the shoes of an old hermit, who, having no +money, gave him a box of ointment for the cure of the +leprosy, and a bottle of spirits for a stinking breath. Now +the cobbler having a mind to do an act of charity, was +minded to try an experiment; so going up to her, asked her +who she was? "I am," said she, "the king of Colchester's +daughter-in-law." "Well," said the cobbler, "if I restore +you to your natural complexion, and make a sound cure +both in face and breath, will you in reward take me for a +husband?" "Yes, friend," replied she, "with all my +heart." With this the cobbler applied the remedies, and +they worked the effect in a few weeks, which being done, +they were married. After some few days spent in town, +they set forward for the court at Colchester. At length +coming there, and the queen understanding she had married +nothing but a poor cobbler, fell into distraction, and in wrath +hanged herself. The death of the queen pleased the king +much, who was glad he had got rid of her so soon. Having +buried her, he gave the cobbler one hundred pounds, on condition +that he and his lady would quit the court. The +cobbler received it, and promised he would. Then setting +up his trade in a remote part of the kingdom, they lived +many years, he mending shoes, and she spinning thread.</p> + +<p>Quoth the sixth boy, "I think for a king's daughter she +hath spun a very fine thread, but now for my story."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale VI.</span></h3> + + +<p>A tinker in our town had but one daughter, whose name +was Tib, and because her father would not let her marry a +miller's man named Jobson, nothing would serve her but she +must go and seek her fortune, so over hills and mountains, +through groves and lonesome woods she passed, till at length +she met with an old woman, who said unto Tib, "Where are<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[198]</a></span> +you going?" "To seek service," says Tib. "Will you live +with me?" replied the old woman; "my family is small, +myself, my cat, and my dog." Tib answered, "With all my +heart." So home they went to her cottage, which stood by +the side of a grove on the bank of a pleasant river. She no +sooner entered in at the door than she beheld the shelves +furnished with abundance of earthen ware and glasses. She +had not lived long with her before Tib had committed a +fault, for which the old woman was resolved to break every +bone in her skin. For that end she put her into a sack, and +having tied the mouth of the same, she went to the grove to +cut a stick; but while she was gone, Tib with a penknife +opened the sack and got out; and put the dog and cat into +it, filling it up with pans, pipkins, etc., then dragged it to +the door, that the old woman might not come in to miss +them, who, on her return, thinking that Tib had rolled +thither, began to lay on like fury, when the dog howled, the +cat mewed, and the pipkins cracked; while the old woman +cries out, "Ah! howl if you will and be poxed, for before you +come out of this sack I'll thrash your bones to chaff." Now +Tib stood at a distance laughing to see how busy she was in +destroying her own furniture, then fled for it, and never +after returned.</p> + +<p>"It was well she did," replied the seventh boy, "or else +the old woman would certainly have been revenged on Tib +at last. But now for my story, which shall be the last at +this meeting."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale VII.</span></h3> + + +<p>A young man having found a purse in which was five +pounds, he made a proclamation that if anyone would lay +any just claim to it to come to such a tavern, and they +would have it again. To the tavern he went, where, in +meat and drink, he spent a crown. At last when the young +man was ready to go the owner came and demanded the +purse, which he was ready to surrender; but the owner, on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[199]</a></span> +knowing a crown was spent, would not receive it, unless +he made up the whole sum. The young man told him he +could not; so an officer was sent for, but before he came the +youth took to his heels, and ran for it with that swiftness, +that, an ass standing in his way, he took hold of his tail to +swing himself by, and twitched it off. A little farther he +overthrew a woman with a child and caused her to fall. +At length he was taken and brought before a justice by the +three sufferers. Having heard their complaints he turned to +the young man, and said, "Young man, several complaints +are here laid against you, which I shall clear up. First, +keep the money you have found, and trade with it till you +have improved it so far as to make him satisfaction, and +then let him have it. You take the ass, and work him till +a new tail grows, then give him to his owner. And you +take the woman home, till she is as quite recovered as +she was before, and then send her home to her husband. +So with these determinations he dismissed them."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">Tale VIII.</span></h3> + + +<p>In the reign of King Arthur, near the Land's End of England, +namely the county of Cornwall, there lived a wealthy +farmer, who had one only son, commonly known by the +name Jack Hornby. He was brisk and of a ready wit, so +that whatever he could not perform by strength, he completed +by ingenious wit and policy.</p> + +<p>For instance, when he was no more than seven years of +age, his father sent him into the field to look after his oxen. +The laird, by chance coming across the field, asked Jack +many questions, particularly, "How many commands there +were?" Jack told him there were nine. The laird replied +there were ten. "Nay," quoth Jack, "sir, you are out of +that; it is true there were ten, but you broke one of them +when you coveted my father's bull." The landlord replied, +"Thou art an arch wag, Jack."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[200]</a></span></p> + +<p>"But, sir," says Jack, "can you tell me how many sticks +goes to build a crow's nest?" "Why," says the landlord, +"there are as many goes as are sufficient for the size of the +nest." "Oho, you are out again, sir," quoth Jack, "there is +none goes, they are all carried."</p> + +<p>The landlord finding himself so fooled, trudged away, +leaving Jack in a fit of laughter.</p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h4>THE PENNY</h4> + +<h1>BUDGET OF WIT</h1> + +<h5>AND</h5> + +<h2>PACKAGE OF DROLLERY.</h2> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h3><i>Scottish Prudence.</i></h3> + + +<p>A parish clerk in the north of England, not long ago, hired +a Scotchman for his servant, who was to go to the cart and +plough, and do other occasional jobs when wanted. In the +course of conversation at hiring, the clerk asked him, if he +could submit to the unpleasant business of digging graves; +to which he exclaimed, "I'll warrant ye, maister, I could dig +doon the kirk for that matter; but let me see, I hasn't been +put to that wark yet; aye, our auld bellman at Jedburgh +used to say, he never had better pay nor better jobs than +howking holes for fowk—faith he was aye merry when folk +dee'd." It happened soon after entering on his service, that +there was a severe storm of snow, which impeded all out-door +work. One morning he came to his master, and asked +him what employment he was to go to that day. The employer +hesitated for some moments, and at last told him, he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[201]</a></span> +could find nothing for him to do. Sawney, with great +gravity, replied, "I think, maister, I'll awa up to the kirkyard +an' howk some graves; we may as weel hae a wheen +ready, for they may come faster in when they ken we are +prepared for them."</p> + + +<h3><i>Scottish Atmosphere.</i></h3> + +<p>An English gentleman on a tour through Scotland, was unfortunately +accompanied by wet weather most of the time +When he set out from Glasgow to Greenock, the morning +was very fine. However, before he had proceeded half way, +he was overtaken by a heavy shower. "Boy," says he to +a little fellow herding near the road-side, "does it always +rain in this country!" "Na," replied the boy, "it sometimes +snaws."</p> + + +<h3><i>Liberty of the Press.</i></h3> + +<p>A master tailor in Glasgow, lately reading the newspapers +to his family, and when expressing the title "Liberty of the +Press in France," one of his daughters interrupted him by +asking what the liberty of the press meant? "I'll soon +answer that question," said he: "You know when your +mother goes out, and leaves the key in the cupboard door, +where the bread, butter, and sugar lies, then you have +access—That's the liberty o' the press."</p> + + +<h3><i>Donald and the Laird.</i></h3> + +<p>A Scottish Laird and his man Donald, travelling southward; +at the first English Inn, the room in where they were +to sleep contained a bed for the master and a truckle for the +man, which drew forth from beneath the larger couch. Such +furniture being new to the Highlanders, they mistook the +four-posted pavilion for the two beds, and the Laird mounted +the tester, while the man occupied the comfortable lodging +below. Finding himself wretchedly cold in the night, the +Laird called to Donald to know how he was accommodated. +"Ne'er sae weel a' my life," quoth the gilly. "Ha, mon,"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[202]</a></span> +exclaimed the Laird, "if it wasna for the honour of the +thing, I could find in my heart to come down."</p> + + +<h3><i>How to read a Sign-Board.</i></h3> + +<p>A Highland Drover passing through a certain town, +noticed a sign-board above an entry, with the following +inscription:—</p> + + +<div class="center">Green Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades, Jellies,<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Capped Biscuits, and all sorts of</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">Confectionery Goods</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">sold down this entry,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">read it as follows:—</span><br /> +Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids, Jades.<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Scabbed Bitches, and all sorts of</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">Confusionery Goods,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">sold down this entry.</span><br /></div> + + + +<h3><i>How to Escape Robbery.</i></h3> + +<p>A person extremely hard of hearing, travelling between +Paisley and Greenock on horseback, some time since, had +occasion to come off his horse, when the reins slipped from +among his fingers: the horse finding himself at liberty +immediately ran off. The deaf man quickly followed, determined +to inquire at all he met if they had seen his horse. +The night was very dark; however, he had not gone far till +he met with two men, whom he accosted with, "Did you see +a horse without a rider?" when he was immediately collared. +He thought it diversion; says he, "That's no a way to use a +man in the dark;" and endeavouring to shake himself clear, +when instead of slackening their hold they took fresh and +firmer holds, and no doubt used violent language, of which +his deafness deprived him of hearing; seeing all attempts to +get clear fruitless, and dreading they had nothing in +view but an intention to rob him, it instantly occurred to +him his having an ear trumpet sticking in the top of his +boot, which he used in conversation. He immediately pulled<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[203]</a></span> +it up, laid the muzzle of it across the fellow's arm, and +exclaimed, "If you don't let go your grups I'll blaw your +brains out in a moment!" They jumped over a hedge, and +were put of sight in an instant, the deaf man called after +them, "Set aff, set aff, my lads or I'll be the death o' baith o' +you, learn never to meddle wi' a man i' the dark, for ye +dinna ken what deadly weapons he carries."</p> + + +<h3><i>Daft Will Speirs.</i></h3> + +<p>Will, one day, upon his journey to Eglinton Castle to pay +his regular daily visit, met his Lordship, who seemed not to +notice him. The Earl being only on a walk of pleasure +through his policies, soon came in contact with Will again +sitting at the bottom of a tree, picking a huge bone. "Ay, +ay;" says the Earl, "what this you've got noo, Will." "Ay, +ay," says Will, "anew o' frien's whan folk has ocht: ye gaed +by me awee sin' an' ne'er loot on ye saw me."</p> + + +<h3><i>How to find Work.</i></h3> + +<p>A slater being employed by a gentleman to repair his +house in the country, took along with him a prentice, when +they set to work, and continued to work for some days. The +gentleman having no conception the job was to be of such +duration, came out one morning, and found the apprentice at +work alone, when he expressed himself as surprised at the +continuation of them working so long, and inquired what +had become of his master, to which the boy replied, "He's +awa to Glasgow to look for a job, and if he got ane, this ane +would be done the morn, and if he didna get ane, he didna +ken when it would be done."</p> + + +<h3><i>Will Scott.</i></h3> + +<p>A celebrated attendant upon the sheriff, well known for +his activity in the execution of his orders, as well as for +taking a bit comfortable guzzle when finances would afford +it, was one Sabbath day snugly seated in a pew behind the +bailies at church. Will had not been there long till he was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[204]</a></span> +soon lulled into a sweet slumber, and found himself seated +along with his companions over a good imperial half-mutchkin; +and in a short time the reckoning came a-paying +when some of the party insisted it was already paid. However, +Will happened not to be of that opinion, and true to +his integrity, bawled out with all his might in the midst of +the sermon, "No, no, by my faith it's no pay't, we have had +just ae half-mutchkin, an' twa bottles o' ale, an' there's no a +fardin o't pay't."</p> + + +<h3><i>Grave-Digger of Sorn.</i></h3> + +<p>The grave-digger of Sorn, Ayrshire, was as selfish and +as mean a sinner as ever handled mattock or carried +mortcloth. He was a very querulous and discontented old +man, with a voice like the whistle of the wind through +a key-hole. On a bleak Sunday afternoon in the country, +an acquaintance from a neighbouring parish accosted him +one day, and asked how the world was moving with him. +"Oh, very puirly, sir, very puirly indeed," was the answer, +"the yard has done nothing ava for us this summer,—if you +like to believe me I havena buriet a leevin' soul this sax +weeks."</p> + + +<h3><i>Scottish Parrot.</i></h3> + +<p>A parrot perched upon a pole at a cottage door, beaking +itself in the sun, was observed by a rapacious hawk, which +happened to be passing over it, suddenly dived down and +seized poor Poll by the back; away the hawk flew with his +prey. When passing over a garden Poll observed his old +friend the gardener, and exclaimed, "I'm ridin' noo, John +Laurie." Hawky alarmed at hearing a voice so near, darted +into a tree for safety, when after recovering a little, commenced +to devour poor Poll, when it roared out with all its +might, "Will you bite, you rascal." The hawk terrified +out of its wits, flew off with a birr, leaving Poll to proceed +homewards at pleasure.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[205]</a></span></p> + + +<h3><i>The Restless Haggis.</i></h3> + +<p>Daft Will Callander lived with his sister Babie, in Port-Glasgow. +Babie kept a lodging-house for sailors. One +Saturday night Babie was making a Haggis for Sunday's +dinner, when one of her lodgers put four ounces of quick-silver +into the haggis unknown to Babie. On Sunday Will +was left at home to cook the dinner; but when the pot +began to boil, the haggis would be out of the pot. Will, +faithful to his charge, held the lid on the pot until his +patience was exhausted; at last Will ran off to the church +for Babie. She sat in one of the back pews. Will beckoned +to her two or three times; Babie as often nodded and winked +to Will to be quiet. At last he bawled out, "Babie, come +hame, for I believe the de'il's got into the haggis, it'll no +bide in the pat; it's out dancing on the floor, and if I had +not locked the door, I think it would have been at the kirk +as soon's mysel."</p> + + +<h3><i>Expense of a Wife.</i></h3> + +<p>An old bachelor who lived in a very economical style, both +as regards food and clothing, and not altogether so very trig +as some bachelors sometimes appear, was frequently attacked +by his acquaintances on the propriety of taking a wife. He +was very smartly set upon one day, and told how snod a +wife would keep him, and many other fine things to induce +him to take a wife, and among the rest, what a comfort it +would be to him, if it was for naething else but to make his +parritch in the morning. Says he, "I dinna doubt but she +wad mak my parritch, but the plague is, she wad be fair to +sup the hauf o' them."</p> + + +<h3><i>An Honest M'Gregor.</i></h3> + +<p>Donald M'Gregor, a notorious sheep-lifter (alias sheep-stealer), +in the north Highlands, being at last overtaken by +the grim tyrant of the human race, was visited by the +minister of the parish, whose appearance, however, was by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[206]</a></span> +no means agreeable to Donald. The holy man warmly exhorted +the dying Highlander to reflect upon the long and +black catalogue of his sins, before it was too late, otherwise +he would have a tremendous account to give at the great +day of retribution, when all the crimes he had committed in +this world would appear in dreadful array, as evidence of his +guilt. "Och! sir," cries the dying man, "an' will a' the +sheeps an' the cows, an' ilka thing Tonal has helped hersel to, +be there?" "Undoubtedly," replied the parson. "Then let +ilka shentleman tak her nain, an' Tonal will be an honest +man again."</p> + + +<h3><i>Negro and the Musquito.</i></h3> + +<p>A West Indian who had a remarkably fiery nose, having +fallen asleep in his chair, a negro boy who was waiting, +observed a musquito hovering round his face. Quasi eyed +the insect very attentively; at last he saw him alight on his +master's nose, and immediately fly off. "Ah! bless your +heart," exclaimed the negro, "me right glad see you burn +your foot."</p> + + +<h3><i>A Brush for the Barber.</i></h3> + +<p>A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop +in Glasgow a few days since to get shaved. The barber +bought one of his brooms, and after having shaved him, asked +the price of it. "Twopence," said the Highlander. "No, +no," said the barber, "I'll give you a penny, if that does not +satisfy you take your broom again." The Highlander took +it, and asked what he had got to pay? "A penny," said strap. +"I'll gie you a bawbee," said Duncan, "an' if that dinna +satisfy ye, put on my beard again."</p> + + +<h3><i>The Kellochsyde Grace.</i></h3> + +<p>The following is preserved traditionally as the grace of the +farmer of Kellochsyde, or Killocsyde, in Clydesdale:—"O +Lord, we'r ay gangan, an we'r ay gettan. We soud ay be +coman to thee, but we'r ay forgettan. We leive in the gude +mailen o' Kellochsyde, suppan thy gude peisie kale, puir<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[207]</a></span> +sinfou sons of evil that we are. Monie mercies we receive +gude trowth; and we're little thankfou for them, gude feth +Janet, rax by the spunes, and a' praise and glory sall be +thine. Amen."</p> + + +<h3><i>New Method of Teaching Music.</i></h3> + +<p>A Highland piper having a scholar to teach, disdained to +crack his mind with the names of semibreves, minims, +crotchets, and quivers—"Here, Donald," said he, "tak your +pipies, lad, and gi's a blast—so, very weel blaun indeed; but +what is sound Donald without sense?—ye may blaw for +ever, without makin' a tune o't, if I dinna tell you how thae +queer things on the paper maun help you—you see that big +fellow wi' a round open face (pointing to a semibreve +between the two lines of the bar), he moves slowly, slowly, +from that line to this, while you beat ane wi' your fit, and +gi'e a blast: if now ye put a leg to him, ye mak' twa o' him +and he'll move twice as fast; gif ye black his face, he'll rin +four times faster than the fallow wi' the white face; but if, +after blackin' his face, ye'll bend his knee, or tie his legs, +he'll trop eight times faster than the white faced chap that +I showed you first. Now, whene'er you blaw your pipes, +Donald, remember this, the tighter the fallow's legs are tied, +the faster they will rin, and the quicker they are sure to +dance."</p> + + +<h3><i>Long-Winded Preacher.</i></h3> + +<p>A Parson in the country taking his text in St. Matthew, +chapter viii. verse 14, "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of +a fever," preached for three Sundays together on the same +subject. Soon after two fellows going across the churchyard, +and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other who it +was for. "Nay I can't tell; perhaps," replied he, "it's for +Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these +three weeks."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[208]</a></span></p> + + +<h3><i>Distinction of Sons and Daughters.</i></h3> + +<p>About the year thretty-sax, a company differed "Whether +it was better for a man to ha'e sons or dochters." They +could not 'gree, but disputed it <i>pro</i> and <i>con</i>. At last one of +them said to Graham of Kinross (wha hadna yoked wi' them +in the argument), "Laird, what's your opinion?" Quo' he, +"I had three lads and three lassies; I watna whilk o' them +I liked best say lang as they sucket their mither; but de'll +ha'e my share o' the callants when they cam to suck their +father."</p> + + +<h3><i>Patrimony and Matrimony.</i></h3> + +<p>At an examination of a school in Edinburgh, a gentleman +asked one of the scholars by what name they called property +that descended from a father? "Patrimony," answered the +scholar; "And what do you call it when descended from a +mother?" "Matrimony," was the reply.</p> + + +<h3><i>An Officer's Wife.</i></h3> + +<p>One of the town's officers of Ayr was struck severely by +accident on the head by his wife. After the fray was adjusted, +the wife said to her husband, "Henry, had I killed +you, and I been hanged for it, would you marry Kate +M'Lauchlan?"</p> + + +<h3><i>Highlander and Parrot.</i></h3> + +<p>An honest Highlander walking along Holborn, heard a cry, +"Rogue Scot, Rogue Scot." His northern blood fired at the +insult, drew his broad sword, looking round him on every +side to discover the object of indignation. At last he found +it came from a parrot, perched on a balcony within his +reach, but the generous Scot disdaining to stain his trusty +blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword again, with +a sour smile, saying, "Gin ye were a man, as ye're a green +geese, I would split your weem."</p> + + +<h3><i>An Irishman.</i></h3> + +<p>An Irishman one day was walking on the streets of Belfast, +found a light guinea, and got 18s. for it. Next day he was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[209]</a></span> +walking, and sees another, and says, "Allelieu, dear honey, +I'll have nothing to do with you, for I lost 3s. by your +brother yesterday."</p> + + +<h3><i>Captain Silk.</i></h3> + +<p>In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain +Silk had arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, +"What a name for a soldier!" "The fittest name in the +world," replied a witty female, "for Silk can never be +Worsted."</p> + + +<h3><i>A Clever Son.</i></h3> + +<p>A Farmer's son, who had been some time at the university, +came home to visit his father and mother; and being one +night with the old folks at supper on a couple of fowls, he +told them, that by the rules of logic and arithmetic, he +could prove these two fowls to be three. "Well, let us +hear," said the old man. "Why, this," said the scholar, "is +one and this," continued he, "is two; two and one, you +know, make three." "Since you ha'e made it out sae weel," +answered the old man, "your mother shall ha'e the first +fowl, I'll ha'e the second, and the third you may keep to +yoursel."</p> + + +<h3><i>Breaking the Commandments.</i></h3> + +<p>A Clergyman who wished to know whether the children of +the parishioners understood their Bibles, asked a lad that he +one day found reading the Old Testament, who was the +wickedest man? "Moses, to be sure," said the boy. +"Moses!" exclaimed the parson, "how can that be?" +"Why," said the lad, "because he broke all the commandments +at once."</p> + + +<h3><i>Not Lost but Drowned.</i></h3> + +<p>A Leith merchant being on his usual ride to the south, +came to the ford of a dark river, at the side of which a boy +was diverting himself. The traveller addressed him as +follows:—"Is this water deep?" "Ay, gaen deep," answered<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[210]</a></span> +the boy. "Is there ever any person lost here?" "No," +replied the boy, "there was never any lost; there has been +some drowned, but we aye get them again."</p> + + +<h3><i>A Just Remark.</i></h3> + +<p>A certain son of St. Crispian, who resides in Paisley, lifting +up his four cornered hat the other morning in a hurry, +found it filled with his wife's fal-de-ral-lals; in a fit of +wrath he exclaimed "Gudesake, Janet, what the de'il gars +you stap a' the trash in the house intil a body's hat." +"Trash, indeed!" exclaimed the indignant spouse, "stap it +on your ain head, and the biggest trash in the house'll be +in't."</p> + + +<h3><i>Scotchman and Irishman.</i></h3> + +<p>A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleeping at an inn +together. The weather being rather warm, the Scotchman +in his sleep put his leg out of the bed. A traveller, in passing +the room door, saw him in this situation, and having a +mind for a frolic, gently fixed a spur upon Sawney's heel; +who drawing his leg into the bed, so disturbed his companion, +that he exclaimed, "Arrah, honey, have a care of your +great toe, for you have forgot to cut your nails I belaiv." +The Scotchman being sound asleep, and sometimes, perhaps, +not a little disturbed by other companies, still kept scratching +poor Pat, till his patience being quite spent, he succeeded +in rousing Sawney, who, not a little surprised at finding +the spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed, "De'il tak' the daft +chiel of a hostler, he's ta'en my boots aff last night and left +on the spur."</p> + + +<h3><i>Charity.</i></h3> + +<p>A person who resides in the ancient town of Kilwinning, was +proverbial for his liberality in meat and drink to friends and +acquaintances. Strangers, too, seldom passed without experiencing +a due share of kindness. Lately while feasting +nearly a dozen of random visitors on "Pat Luck," a beggar +called at the door soliciting charity, when he very good<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[211]</a></span> +humouredly called out, "I canna help you the day, I ha'e +plenty o' your kin' here already."</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Shooting the Devil.</i></h3> + + +<p>A Scotch parson preaching upon these words, "Resist the +devil, and he will fly from you," began thus:—"My beloved, +you are all here to-day, but wot ye who is among ye, even +the meikle horned devil. You cannot see him, but by the +eye of faith I see him. But some of you say, what will we +do with him now we have him here? How shall we destroy +him? We will hang him. Alas, my beloved, there are not +so many tows in the parish as will hang him, he is as light +as a feather. Then some of you will say we will drown +him. Humph, my beloved, there is owre muckle cork in +his leg, he's as souple as an eel, he will not sink. Others of +you will say, we will burn him. Na, na, sirs, you may scald +yourselves, but you canna burn him, for a' the fire in Hades +could never yet singe a hair o' his tail. Now, sirs, ye canna +find a way among you all to kill him, but I will find +it. What way will this be, sirs? We will even shoot +him. Wherewith shall we shoot him? We shall shoot +him with the Bible. Now, sirs, I shall shoot him presently." +So, presenting the Bible, as soldiers do their muskets, he +cries out, "Toot! toot! toot! Now he is shot. There +lies the foul thief as dead as a herring."</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Long Credit.</i></h3> + + +<p>Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming +through the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm house +of Swanston, near the Pentland Hills, where they found no +one at home but an old woman. They immediately proceeded +to search the house, and soon finding a web of coarse +home-spun cloth, made no scruple to unroll and cut off as +much as they thought would make a coat to each. The +woman was exceedingly incensed at their rapacity, roared +and cried, and even had the hardihood to invoke divine<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[212]</a></span> +vengeance upon their heads. "Ye villains!" she cried, +"ye'll ha'e to account for this yet." "And when will we +pe account for't?" asked one of the Highlanders. "At the +last day, ye blackguards!" exclaimed the woman. "Ta +last day," replied the Highlander; "Tat be coot lang chredit-we'll +e'en pe tak a waistcoat too!" at the same time +cutting off a few additional yards of the cloth.</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Bird's Nest.</i></h3> + + +<p>The mother of a respectable grocer in a town in the west, +called her son to her, while on her death bed, and declared +to him that his reputed father was not really his father; but +that such a one (naming him) really was his father; and +that the deed was done one night when travelling from +Greenock, when at the Clun-Brae-Head. This story got +wing, and ran through the town like wildfire, and was a fine +source of amusement for some time. One day a boy vulgarly +named the "Linty," went into the said grocer's shop to purchase +some article, when he was assailed with "Weel Linty, +whar is'tu gaun to big thy nest the year?" The boy +replied, "I was thinkin' to big it doon about the Clun-Brae-Head."</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Elder's Hours.</i></h3> + + +<p>A cunning carle invested with the semi-sacred office of +"Ruling Elder," or practically seemingly identified with +that office, in order to gratify an inclination, scratched wi' +the neb o' a fork the figure 10 on the one side of his outer +door, and figure 11 on the other; by which plan he was able +to say wi' "a good conscience," at a' times, and on a' +occasions, that he came aye hame atween ten and eleven.</p> + + + + +<h3><i>The Thistle.</i></h3> + + +<p>A few Scotch and English travellers being met together, +an Englishman took it upon him to run down the Thistle, +exclaimed against the empty boast of its motto, "Nemo me +impune lacessit," when a Scotchman present observed,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[213]</a></span> +"The Thistle, sir, is the pride of the Scotish nation, but it +is nothing in the mouth of an ass."</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Cold Gentleman.</i></h3> + + +<p>In the west of Scotland, some time ago, there happened to +be an auction of books. A book-buyer who attended the +sale, was summoned by his son to supper, according to the +directions of his mother. The boy flurried by the presence +of the audience, and in his attempt to be as explicit as +possible, thus cried out, "Fayther, yer parritch is ready." +"Very well, my dear," said the father, and at the door gave +him a salute <i>a posteriori</i>, which was repeated with the following +injunction—"Recollect rascal, when you come again, to +say <i>a gentleman</i> wants me." Next evening up comes the +boy according to direction. "Is my Fayther here?" "Yes," +said the father. "<i>A gentleman</i> wants ye." "Very +well, my man," was repeated by the boy's parent; but little +time elapsed when the boy returned; "What now, my +man," said the old book worm. "Oh naething," said his +son, "but gin ye dinna rin fast <i>the gentleman</i> will be quite +cauld."</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Dougal Graham.</i></h3> + + +<p>Dougal Graham, author of the well-known metrical history +of the rebellion in 1745, being candidate for the place of +town bellman in the City of Glasgow, was desired to call +"Gude fresh herrings new come in at the Broomielaw." It +not being the season for herrings, Dougal added,</p> + +<p>"But, indeed, my friends, it's a blaeflum,</p> + +<p>"For the herrings no catch'd, and the boats no come," +which procured for Dougal the situation.</p> + +<p>Dougal was a kind of Scotch Æsop, he had a large humph +on one of his shoulders, and like his patrotype had wit. +Calling in the street of the Gallowgate, opposite the Saracen's +Head Inn, where several officers of the gallant 42d regiment +were dining, at the close of the American war, some of whom<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[214]</a></span> +knew Dougal before they went abroad, opening the window, +called out, "What's that you've got on your back, Dougal?" +Knowing what the regiment suffered at Bunker's Hill, +Dougal replied, "It's <i>Bunker's Hill</i>; do you choose to +mount?"</p> + + + + +<h3><i>A New Way to Wauken Sleepers in Church.</i></h3> + + +<p>Mr. Ogilvie, minister of the parish of Lunan in the county +of Forfar, had a great deal of eccentricity in his composition. +One Sunday an old woman, who kept a public-house in the +parish, with whom Mr. Ogilvie was well acquainted, fell +asleep in the church during sermon—not an uncommon +occurrence. Her neighbour kept jogging in order to awake +her. Mr. Ogilvie observing this, cried out, "Let her alane, +I'll wauken her mysel', I'll warrant ye." "Phew! Phew! +(<i>whistling</i>) a bottle o' ale and a dram, Janet." "Comin', +sir," was instantly replied. "There now," says the minister, +"I tald ye it wadna be lang afore I waken'd her."</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Sage Instruction.</i></h3> + + +<p>A labouring Highlandman, who lived in the upper parts of +Perthshire, whose wife was taken in labour, wished him to +retire out of the house. Janet says to him—"Oh! you be +gang awa', Duncan, gang awa'!" The man, however, kept +loitering about the door, seemingly impressed with something +of great importance. At last he cries to his wife, +"You speak a me, Shanet! you speak a me." The wife asks, +"What you say, Duncan?" "Gie the cummer (the midwife) +a dram, Shanet, gie the cummer a dram!" "What +for Duncan?" "Gie the cummer a dram, Shanet, an' tell +<i>him to make her a laddie</i>."</p> + + + + +<h3><i>The Purse and the Penny Siller.</i></h3> + + +<p>Three young Highlanders, some years ago, set out from +their native hills, to seek a livelihood amongst their countrymen +in the Lowlands. They had hardly learned any English. +One of them could say, "We three Highlandmen;" the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[215]</a></span> +second, "For the purse and the penny siller;" and the third +had properly learned, "And our just right too;" intending +thus to explain the motives o' their journey. They trudged +along, when, in a lonely glen, they saw the body of a man +who had been recently murdered. The Highlanders stopped +to deplore the fate of the unhappy mortal, when a gentleman +with his servant came up to the spot. "Who murdered this +poor man?" said the gentleman, "We three Highlandmen," +answered the eldest of the brothers (thinking the gentleman +inquired who they were). "What could induce you to commit +so horrid a crime?" continued the gentleman. "The +Purse and the Penny Siller," replied the second of the +travellers. "You shall be hanged, you miscreants!" "And +our just right too," returned the third. The poor men were thus +brought to the gallows on their own evidence, and presumption +of guilt.</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Lump of Old Wood.</i></h3> + + +<p>An aged man, named Thomas Wood, sitting on a high three-footed +stool in the gallery of the old Church of Falkirk, +during divine service happened to fall asleep, tumbled on +the floor with a great noise. The preacher stopped and +demanded the reason of the noise. "Nothing, sir," cries a +wag, "but a lump of Old Wood fallen down."</p> + + + + +<h3><i>The Great Want.</i></h3> + + +<p>A female pauper lately made a very strong and forcible +appeal to the elders and heritors of a certain parish, for an +advance of 4s. 6d. Some one of the grave quorum inquired +what made her so urgent on this occasion, when she had +lately got a supply of coals, shoes, etc. To this she replied, +"Why, deed, sirs, it's just to buy a pair o' corsets to my +daughter Tibbie, ilk lass that's ocht respectable has them but +hersel', so ye see she canna do wantin them, an' ye maun +e'en let me ha't sirs."</p> + + + + +<h3><i>The Devil Defined.</i></h3> + + +<p>The Rev. Mr. Shirra, burgher minister in Kirkcaldy, once<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[216]</a></span> +gave the following curious definition of the devil:—"The +devil, my brethren, is ill ony way ye'll tak him. Tak' the +D from his name, he's <i>evil</i>; tak' the E from his name, he's +<i>vil</i>; tak' the V from his name, he's <i>il</i>;" then shrugging up +his shoulders, and lengthening his sanctified snout, he said +with peculiar emphasis, "He's naething but an <i>il</i>, <i>vil</i>, <i>evil</i>, +Devil, ony way ye'll tak' him!"</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Mark me Well.</i></h3> + + +<p>A gentleman having missed his way, fortunately met a boy +going with a pot of tar to mark his master's sheep, asked +the road to Banff, but was directing by so many turnings, +right and left, that he agreed to take the boy behind him on +the horse as he was going near to the same place. Finding +the boy pert and docile, he gave him some wholesome +advice relative to his future conduct, adding occasionally, +"Mark me well, my boy." "Yes, sir, I do." He repeated +the injunction so often, that the boy at last cried out, "Sir, +I have no more tar!"</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Death of a Watch.</i></h3> + + +<p>After the battle of Falkirk, in 1746, a Highlandman was +observed extracting a gold watch from the fob of an English +officer, who had been killed. His comrade viewed him with +a greedy eye, which the man taking notice of said to him, +"Tamn you gapin' greedy bitch, gang and shoot a shentleman +for hersel', an' no envie me o' my pit watch."</p> + +<p>Next morning finding his watch motionless, and meeting +his comrade, says to him, "Och! she no be care muckle +about a watch, an' you be like mine, what will ye gi'e me for +her?" The other replied, "I be venture a kinny." "Weel +then," said the other, "Shust tak her, an' welcome, for she be +die yester night."</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Our Lawful Sovereign.</i></h3> + + +<p>An English Officer Dining With Lord Saltoon Some Years After +the Battle of Culloden, his Lordship was adverting to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[217]</a></span> +strong attachment manifested by the generality of Buchan +to the unfortunate house of Stuart, and particularly remarked +the devoted loyalty of his gardener, whom no bribe or entreaty +could in the smallest degree influence. "I'll bet 50 +guineas," said the Englishman, "that I shall make him +drink the health of King George." "Done!" replied his +Lordship. The honest gardener was called in. The officer +began by praising his fidelity and loyalty to his prince; +pressed him to drink some glasses of wine; and when he +thought him a little off his guard from the effects of the +generous liquor, he began thus:—"Now, my friend, I know +you are a good Christian and wish well to every human +being; you can certainly have no objection to drink the +health of King George? Come, my worthy fellow, a bumper +to the health of his Majesty." "Here's to the health of our +<i>lawful</i> Sovereign," said the gardener. "Bless you, sir," +cried the officer, "That's not King George?" "I am very +much of your opinion," replied the man, making a profound +bow and retiring.</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Down the Rotten Row.</i></h3> + + +<p>A few years ago, when resurrectionists throughout the +country were become very common, a person of respectability +was interred in the High Church burying ground of +Glasgow. The relatives who were persons of property, hired +a few hungry weavers, who generally at that time were +<i>atomies</i> ready made, to watch the grave of their deceased +relative; these, as they were one night on duty, perceived +some persons enter, the churchyard; they kept snug till such +time as they could learn the object of their visit. It was not +long before the intruders opened a grave, took out the corpse, +put it into a sack and left it at the grave, and went in search +of something else. One of the weavers, a droll fellow, said +to his comrade, "Take out the corpse, and I'll go into the +sack, but do you observe the proceedings." In a little time +the resurrection men returned, and one of them getting the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[218]</a></span> +sack upon his back marched off. When they got to the +street, the one says to the other, "Which way will we +take?" When the weaver putting out his hand and gripping +the fellow who was carrying him, by the hair, bawled out, +"Down the Rotten Raw, ye beggar." He was soon set down, +and the man who carried him went mad of the fright.</p> + + + + +<h3><i>Resurrection Men.</i></h3> + + +<p>Some years ago, a poor boy, whose mother was buried in the +churchyard of Falkirk, used frequently to sit on her grave, +and when destitute of other accommodation, would crawl in +below one of the gravestones, and slept there for the night. +On one of these occasions, the boy was roused from his sleep +by the noise of some voices in the churchyard. This was +nothing more than a couple of resurrection men who had come +on purpose to begin that great work rather prematurely; +and as those who are raised before their due time cannot +be supposed capable of standing on their legs, they had provided +themselves with a horse to gi'e them a lift. They +were then disputing about how they could secure the beast, +while they were raising the corpse. The lad hearing this, +and creeping out of his hole, cries, "I'll haud him," expecting +some remuneration no doubt. The fellows seeing a resurrection +commencing from under a stone, and hearing the offer of +holding the horse, scampered off and left the animal, with a +couple of sacks; and although the horse and sacks were +advertised, they were never claimed, but sold for the benefit +of the boy, which procured him better lodging than beneath +a grave stone.</p> + + + + +<h3><i>March of Intellect.</i></h3> + + +<p>Two country carters, passing the entrance to the Arcade, +Argyle Street, Glasgow, observed painted on the wall, "No +dogs to enter here." "No dogs to enter here!" exclaimed +one of them, "I'm sure there's no use for that there." "What +way, Jock," replied the other. "'Cause dogs canna read<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[219]</a></span> +signs," said he. "Ha, ha, Jock, ye're maybe wrang, I'se +warran ye gentle folks' dogs 'ill ken't brawly, for there's +schools, noo, whar they learn the dumb baith to read and +speak."</p> + + +<hr class="double" /> + +<div class="center"><b>THE</b><br /></div> +<div><br /></div> +<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>MERRY CONCEITS</b></span></div> +<div><br /></div> +<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF</b></span><br /></div> + +<h1>TOM LONG</h1> + +<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>THE CARRIER</b></span></div> + +<p class="center">Being many Pleasant Passages and Mad Pranks which +he observed in his Travels.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Full of Honest Mirth and Delight.</i></p> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<p> +Of all the Toms that ever yet was named,<br /> +Was ever any Tom like Tom Long framed?<br /> +Tom Tram, who now as many mad pranks shows,<br /> +Unto Tom Long will prove a mere goose.<br /> +<br /> +Tom Thumb is dumb, until the pudding creep,<br /> +In which he was entomb'd, then out doth peep;<br /> +Tom Fool may go to school, but ne'er be taught,<br /> +Such rare conceits with which Tom Long is fraught.<br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[220]</a></span></p> + +<p> +Tom Ass may pass, but only for his ears,<br /> +No such rich jewels as our Tom Long he wears;<br /> +Tom Tell-truth is but froth, but truth to tell,<br /> +From all these Toms, Tom Long doth bear the bell.<br /> +</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"> +<i>How Tom Long at first set up the trade of being a Carrier,<br /> +and where he took up his Lodging.</i><br /> +</p> + + +<p>Tom Long, the subject of this discourse, having spent some +few years like a wandering Jew, oft visiting the coasts of +Essex and Kent, where he did many notable exploits, sometimes +cheating the calves-heads of their money, by the +virtue of hocus pocus, having learned the art of legerdemain. +Other times he used, as opportunity served, to rob the hen-roost. +At last, his cheating tricks were so well known, that +the country kicked him out like a knave as he was, and he +was willing to be gone as they to be rid of him, soon gave +them three slips for a teaster, and travelled towards Gotham, +where he, well knowing what wit those wise men had in +their noddles, took up his abode near the place where the +men made a hedge to keep in the cuckoo all the year. Not +long after, he set up his trade of being a carrier; under +pretence of which he with ease played his pranks, and the +wisdom of these men was such, that he cheated them of all, +and yet the fools had no mistrust of him. And having set +him up, he found great store of small doings, and above all +others, the men of Gotham and Dunstable would employ him; +who, being more knave than fool, ever advised some cheating +trick or other to gull those idiots; for let him go out +ever so full, he would be sure to come home empty, telling +them one mischance or other had befallen him. He took +up his lodging at the sign of the Whip and Egg-Shell in +Thieving Lane, not far from Charing Cross, where Dunstable +men are sure to find him; if not, they may go into Turn-again +Lane, and come back again as wise as they went in.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[221]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"> +<i>How Tom Long the Carrier met with a Young Man upon<br /> +the way, with what happened to them,<br /> +and how they were entertained by an Hostess.</i><br /> +</p> + + +<p>Tom Long being newly set up a carrier, as he was travelling +he happened to take up a young lad, who had straggled +from his parents to play the truant, which Tom perceiving, +entertained him into his service; but they had not gone far +before their stomachs were up, so they resolved at the next +place to take a bit, where, as soon as they came, they +demanded what was for to eat. The hostess, being one of +Seldom Cleanly's daughters, said there was nothing but +eggs, of which, she said, she would make them a froize; and +seeing them to come in, in a full breast and an empty +stomach, she (like a slut as she was) resolved to give them +their bellies full before they went; and so, with some three +or four good eggs, she mixed as many bad ones, some addle +and rotten, and others ready for to hatch; and having set +them down at a certain wash block, which served instead of +a table, she set before them as good a froize as any woman +possibly could make of coarse materials, making her sauce +alike suitable, being nothing else but kitchen stuff melted a +little—oil as good as ever was burned. Tom and the young +man fell presently to it, with stomachs as greedy as hogs, +swallowing down all by wholesale, tag-rag and long-tail, +without any chewing, although they conceited something +cracking in their teeth like young bones. Yet hunger, +which is the best sauce, made every morsel sweet, although +it had but an ill going down with it, and worse troubled +their patience afterwards, for they had no sooner eaten of it, +but like squeezy stomachs they began to cast backwards +and forwards; and being in this pitiful pickle, they called +for their hostess, who, thinking to receive her reckoning, +was paid in her own coin; for, having some of their froize +left, Tom furiously cast it on her face, which stuck as fast<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[222]</a></span> +as a plaister to the wall, insomuch that for a while she lost +her eyesight; which being done, Tom departed without +paying anything for his dinner.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"> +<i>How Tom and his Young Man discoursed of their Dinner,<br /> +and how they resolved to mend the matter at night,<br /> +but met with as bad Entertainment.</i><br /> +</p> + + +<p>Tom and his man being now on their way, began to discourse +of their dinner, and how prettily they served their hostess; +but still conceited that they heard these young chickens +which they had eaten in their froize cry, "Peep, peep, peep," +and having cast up all again, their bellies began to cry +"Cupboard," whereupon Tom, to comfort his young man, +told him they would be sure to have a good host at night, +and good fare to. But "like to like," quoth the devil to the +collier, out of the frying-pan into the fire; for their new +host proved not only a knave, but a thief, and instead of +dainty veal, provided for them part of a young colt, which, +being foaled before its time, ate very tenderly; and going +to supper, the host, like a flattering knave, told them he +would feast them bravely; and they, not mistrusting anything, +fed most courageously, having for to please their +pallets several kinds of dishes made thereof, the host still +crying, "You are welcome, gentlemen,"—all which they +swallowed down as greedily as the lawyer his fee. And +having filled their ungodly guts with this supposed good +cheer, they hastened to bed, where the fleas fed as fast on +their corpse as they had done upon this new found veal, +insomuch that they looked as if they had the smallpox. In +the morning (thinking to have breakfast of the same) they +missed their coats and other things, which their host had +thievishly deprived them of. So, searching the house about, +they found hanging in a corner some pieces of flesh, which +they supposed to be part of the veal they had eaten of; but +by the ears of the skin which hanged by, they saw plainly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[223]</a></span> +it was an ass, and that they were once more made fools of; +whereupon Tom caused his host to be apprehended, who +was committed to prison about their goods, where Tom left +him and departed.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"> +<i>Tom relates how a certain counterfeit Merchant cheated<br /> +divers Gentlemen of very great sums of Money.</i><br /> +</p> + + +<p>In the North of England arrived a pretended merchant, but, +indeed, a very cheating knave, who, residing there a while, +came to be greatly acquainted with divers gentlemen, who, +looking on him as one of great account, at last he received +several great sums of money which he was to pay at London, +upon the receipt of which he gave every man a bill of exchange, +receiving of some twenty pounds, some thirty, some +forty, fifty, some a hundred pounds; and, having pretty well +feathered his nest, leaving those gentlemen to receive their +money where they could get it, he departed beyond sea; +and when the gentlemen came to receive their money, they +could neither find nor hear of their merchant: whereat they +were very much vexed, as well as they might be, to see how +they were cheated of their money. But their hopes are +that they shall have it brought them again by Tom Long +the Carrier.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"> +<i>Of the great request that Tom Long was in, and how the<br /> +wise Mayor of Huntingdon seized on Tom's<br /> +ragged Colt for a Sturgeon.</i><br /> +</p> + + +<p>Tom Long having been a carrier for many years, grew in +great request, and though he was not very well beloved, yet +he was sure to have many customers that he got carriage +of, especially the country farmers, who often used to send +tokens by him to their friends, as gammons of bacon, collars +of brawn, pies, and other good things, and now and then +small pieces of silver from Dunstable men: all which Tom +ever made use of himself, though they perceived it not; for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[224]</a></span> +by reason they sent by Tom Long the Carrier, they could +never receive any answer about what he brought. Also, all +the broken shopkeepers and decayed gentlemen sent their +creditors' debts by Tom Long the Carrier.</p> + +<p>But it happened that, as Tom was going to London, he +chanced to be at Huntingdon, where, putting his horses to +grass, amongst which he had a young ragged colt,—this colt +having straggled down into the river, certain wise men of +the town coming by, that had been at Gotham, thought it +had been a sturgeon, and thereupon acquainted the Right +Wisdom-Fool the Mayor of it, who assembled together his +wise brethren, made a very wise speech to them, and acquainted +them therewith, who very unanimously accompanied +his foolship; and, after a deep consultation, they all +agreed to seize the poor colt for a sturgeon; but carrying it +with great triumph into the town, the inhabitants, who +were wiser than the rest, exceedingly laughed them to scorn +for their great folly. And so Tom, promising the Mayor to +bring him a piece of sturgeon at his return, he had his colt +again.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"> +<i>A Story of the Seven Sleepers, who slept above three<br /> +hundred years, and not yet awakened.</i><br /> +</p> + + +<p>In a great city there lived several men who for their religion +were forced to fly for their lives, and not far from the city +was an ancient cave under a hill, in which these men entered +to secure and refresh themselves; but their persecutors, +hearing where they were, stopped up the mouth of the cave, +intending to famish them therein; and they, not knowing +what was done, so soon as they had refreshed their bodies +with victuals, laid themselves down to sleep, and so continued +sleeping very sound a long season, until such time as +in after ages a shepherd, intending to make himself a harbour, +set divers masons to work to dig in this cave, who, +with the noise, awakened the men who had been asleep so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[225]</a></span> +long therein. The cave being opened, they, thinking it to +be day, and had slept but one night, sent one of their company +privately into the city for food, for in all this time +they had eaten nothing, and well they might be hungry; +so, coming to the town; he found all things altered, the +inhabitants being other kind of people, as he supposed, than +he left the night before. So going to buy some bread, the +people refused to take his money, saying they knew not the +coin, at which he greatly marvelled. But inquiring further, +he found that since their being there three generations had +been dead and gone, and a fourth in being; and by computation of +time, it appeared they had slept above three hundred +years, and lay all this time in their clothes, which were no +whit decayed, whereat the people all wondered; and Tom +Long the Carrier, staying all the time they slept to see when +they would awake, at last brought the news with him.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"> +<i>How Tom Long the Carrier sold his Horse for the Skin,<br /> +supposing him to be dead; and how a crafty<br /> +fellow coming by knew what the Horse ailed, and so<br /> +bought him.</i><br /> +</p> + + +<p>Tom Long the Carrier, travelling on the road, chances to +put his horse in a field that was overgrown with hemlock, +which Tom's horse, having had no meat all day, ate so +greedily on, that it cast him into so sound a sleep that Tom +thought he had been dead. Being thus sorely crossed, as +he supposed, he began to flay his skin off to sell, whereupon +a crafty fellow coming by that way, well knew what the +horse ailed, bought him for the price of the skin, and paid +Tom the money. He departed, appointing to fetch the horse +the very next morning. And when he came on the morrow, +the horse was awakened out of his sleep, and got upon his +legs again; which, when Tom perceived, he was sorely vexed +at his foolish bargain; but his chapman laughed him to +scorn for his folly, and so departed with his horse.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[226]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"> +<i>How Tom, Long the Carrier converted all his Carriage to<br /> +his own use, and thereby recruited himself with another<br /> +Horse, and of a sad mischance that befel his Horse.</i><br /> +</p> + + +<p>Tom Long the Carrier, seeing himself thus fooled out of his +horse, resolved not to bear all the loss himself, and so converted +all his carriage into money, and returning home, +pretended he had been robbed of his horse and all his carriage. +Not long after, Tom being willing to set up again, +purchased with his money a new horse; but ill-gotten goods +seldom thrive. So Tom, having a horse again, received +divers things to carry from divers places, especially from +the wise men of Gotham, who were the best customers Tom +Long the Carrier had. But being on his way not far from +his inn, he chanced to spy a fine plot of grass under a hedge +in a corn field, under which Tom, to save charges, secretly +conveyed his mare, tying her to the hedge with a cord, and +so left her. But the mare, like an unruly jade, not being +willing to be confined in so narrow a compass, was minded +to see what fare was on the other side of the hedge, and +foolishly venturing to leap over, very unfortunately hanged +herself, whose untimely death had then nigh broke the heart +of poor Tom Long; and his grief was the more by reason +she died without any visitation.</p> + +<p> +Tom nine ways looks, and needs must vexed be;<br /> +Now bought wit's best, Tom Long doth plainly see.<br /> +Tom tells he's robbed, and counteth all his losses,<br /> +And is in hopes he shall have no more crosses.<br /> +"Come, lads, all's gone," Tom takes his comfort then;<br /> +He will be repaid by other men.<br /> +Now many men do Tom Long dispraise,<br /> +Saying, "He has small conscience in his ways,<br /> +But sure I'll lay no such fault to his charge;<br /> +I rather think his conscience was too large."<br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[227]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"> +<i>How Tom Long the Carrier was assaulted by a Dog, and<br /> +how valiantly he defended himself, and killed him.</i><br /> +</p> + + +<p>As Tom Long the Carrier was travelling between Dover +and Westchester, he fortuned to pass something near a +house, where was kept a great mastiff dog, who, as soon as +he had espied Tom, came running open mouthed at him, +and so furiously assaulted him, as if he meant to devour +him at a bite. But Tom, having in his hand a good pikestaff, +most valiantly defended himself like a man, and to +withstand the danger, he thrust the pike-end of his staff +into his throat, and so killed him. Whereupon the owner +thereof, seeing his dog lost, comes earnestly unto Tom, and +between threatening and chiding, asking him why he struck +him not with the great end of the staff? "Marry," quoth +he, "because your dog runs not at me with his tail."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Of a merry conceited Jest brought to Town by Tom.</i></p> + + +<p>A certain king kept a fool to be his jester, whose manner +was to set down in a note-book, which he kept for that +purpose, all the follies that he saw committed in or about +the court, or at least write so many as he discovered. So, +upon a time, a certain Italian horse-courser arrived at the +court who professed great skill in horsemanship, and it +being declared unto the king, he presently sent him with +three thousand pounds to buy horses in a far country, which +this fool hearing of, put down in his note-book among the +rest. When the king heard that, he was much offended, +and would needs know of Jack Lackwit why he had set +him down in his note. "Because," quoth the fool, "I think +he will come no more to you." "But what if he does come +again?" said the king. "Why, then," said the fool, "I will +take you out and put him in."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[228]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XI.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"> +<i>Of the Hard Lodging which Tom Long the Carrier found on<br /> +the Ground, having under him but one Poor Feather.</i><br /> +</p> + + +<p>Tom Long, by reason of the great loss of his horses, became +very poor, and so turned foot-post; and being in a wearisome +condition, he was forced, having not coin to pay for +better, to take up his lodging on the ground, where, tumbling +and tossing, he could hardly rest all night; and stirring +himself betimes in the morning, he espied under him one +feather. "Now," quoth Tom, "I see what was the cause of +my trouble that I could not sleep all the night. I wonder, +seeing I found such hard lodging upon one feather, how they +do that lie upon thousands."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"> +<i>How Tom Long cozened two Shoemakers out of a<br /> +pair of Shoes.</i><br /> +</p> + + +<p>Tom Long being now a foot-post, with hard travelling had +worn his shoes so very thin that he was in great danger to +lose soles and all; whereupon Tom came to refresh himself, +after which he sent for a shoemaker to bring him a pair of +shoes.</p> + +<p>Now Tom, having no coin left, resolved to try his wits; +so drawing on one of the shoes, he said it fitted well; but +drawing on the other, he complained that it pinched his +foot and was too low in the instep; whereupon he desired +the shoemaker to take that shoe home and let it stand in +the last for an hour or two, and he would stay so long. As +soon as he was gone Tom pulled off the other shoe, and sent +for another shoemaker to bring him a pair of shoes, which +he did; so, drawing on one of them on the other foot, he +said it pinched him likewise, and so wished him also to +take that shoe home, and let it stand for an hour on the +last, and then come again. But the shoemakers saw the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[229]</a></span> +last of their shoes, for when they came again Tom Long was +gone, leaving these verses behind them:—</p> + +<p> +"Whom seek ye, sirs—Tom Long? Oh, fie upon<br /> +Your tediousness, he's long since gone;<br /> +He went a good while since, no question store<br /> +Are glad, who vex'd he did not go before;<br /> +And some are griev'd he went so soon away,<br /> +The reason was, he could no longer stay;<br /> +Nor is it a wonder that he thus is gone,<br /> +Since all men know he long was drawing on."<br /> +</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Witty Conceits of Tom Long the Carrier.</i></p> + + +<p>Tom Long the Carrier, upon a time, asked a merry conceited +fellow which was the best husband for a young wench to +marry. "Marry," quoth the fellow, "an old man, for then +he shall be sure to be proud of her." Another standing +by asked Tom Long the Carrier what trade he thought to +be best? "Marry," quoth Tom, "a cut-purse; for he hath +no sooner done his work but he hath his money in his +hand."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIV.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"> +<i>The Conclusion of the Merry Conceits of Tom Long<br /> +the Carrier.</i><br /> +</p> + +<p> +Tom Long the Carrier coming to an inn,<br /> +Asked the maid what meat there was within?<br /> +"Cow-heels," said she, "and a fine breast of mutton."<br /> +"Then," said Tom, "since that I am no glutton,<br /> +Either or both shall serve—to-night the breast,<br /> +The heels in the morning, when light meat is best."<br /> +At night he took the breast, and did not pay,<br /> +And in the morning took his heels and ran away.<br /> +When the worst is past, all things begin to mend,<br /> +And here the brave story of Tom Long doth end.<br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[230]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>THE</b></span></div> +<div><br /></div> +<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>STORY OF</b></span></div> + +<h1>BLUE BEARD</h1> + +<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OR THE</b></span></div> +<div><br /></div> +<div class="center"><b>EFFECTS OF FEMALE CURIOSITY.</b></div> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<p>There was, some time ago, a gentleman who was extremely +rich. He had elegant town and country houses; his dishes +and plates were of gold and silver; his rooms were hung +with damask; his chairs and sofas were covered with the +richest silks, and his carriages were all magnificently gilt +with gold.</p> + +<p>But, unfortunately, this gentleman had a blue beard, +which made him so very frightful and ugly that none of the +ladies in the neighbourhood would venture to go into his +company.</p> + +<p>It happened that a lady of quality, who lived very near +him, had two daughters, who were both extremely beautiful. +Blue Beard asked her to bestow one of them upon him in +marriage, leaving to herself the choice which of the two it +should be.</p> + +<p>They both, however, again and again refused to marry +Blue Beard; but, to be as civil as possible, they each pretended +that they refused because she would not deprive her +sister of the opportunity of marrying so much to her advantage. +But the truth was they could not bear the thoughts +of having a husband with a blue beard, and, besides, they +had heard of his having already been married to several +wives, and nobody could tell what had afterwards become +of them.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[231]</a></span></p> + +<p>As Blue Beard wished very much to gain their favour, he +invited the lady and her daughters, and some ladies who +were on a visit at their house, to accompany him to one of +his country seats, where they spent a whole week, during +which nothing was thought of but parties for hunting and +fishing, music, dancing, collations, and the most delightful +entertainments. No one thought of going to bed, and the +nights were passed in merriment of every kind.</p> + +<p>In short, the time had passed so agreeably that the +youngest of the two sisters began to think that the beard +which had so much terrified her was not so very blue, and +that the gentleman to whom it belonged was vastly civil +and pleasing.</p> + +<p>Soon after they returned home she told her mother that +she had no longer any objection to accept of Blue Beard for +her husband, and, accordingly, in a short time they were +married.</p> + +<p>About a month after the marriage had taken place, Blue +Beard told his wife that he should be obliged to leave her +for a few weeks, as he had some business to do in the +country. He desired her to be sure to procure herself every +kind of amusement, to invite as many of her friends as she +liked, and to treat them with all sorts of delicacies that the +time might pass agreeably during his absence. "Here," +said he, "are the keys of the two large wardrobes. This is +the key of the great box that contains the best plate, which +we use for company; this belongs to my strong box, where +I keep my money; and this to the casket in which are all +my jewels. Here also is a master key to all the apartments +in my house, but this small key belongs to the closet at the +end of the long gallery on the ground floor. I give you leave," +continued he, "to open or do what you like with all the rest +excepting this closet: this, my dear, you must not enter, nor +even put the key into the lock, for all the world. Should you +disobey me, expect the most dreadful of punishments."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[232]</a></span></p> + +<p>She promised to obey his orders in the most faithful +manner; and Blue Beard, after tenderly embracing her, +stepped into his carriage and drove away.</p> + +<p>The friends of the bride did not, on this occasion, wait +to be invited, so impatient were they to see all the riches +and magnificence she had gained by marriage; for they had +been prevented from paying their wedding visit by their +aversion to the blue beard of the bridegroom.</p> + +<p>No sooner were they arrived than they impatiently ran from +room to room, from cabinet to cabinet, and then from wardrobe +to wardrobe, examining each with the utmost curiosity, +and declaring that the last was still richer and more beautiful +than what they had seen the moment before. At length +they came to the drawing-rooms, where their admiration and +astonishment were still increased by the costly splendour of +the hangings, of the sofas, the chairs, carpets, tables, girandoles, +and looking-glasses, the frames of which were silver +gilt, most richly ornamented, and in which they saw themselves +from head to foot.</p> + +<p>In short, nothing could exceed the magnificence of what +they saw; and the visitors did not cease to extol and envy +the good fortune of their friend, who all this time was far +from being amused by the fine compliments they paid her, +so eagerly did she desire to see what was in the closet her +husband had forbidden her to open. So great indeed was +her curiosity that, without recollecting how uncivil it would +be to leave her guests, she descended a private staircase that +led to it, and in such a hurry that she was two or three times +in danger of breaking her neck.</p> + +<p>When she reached the door of the closet she stopped for +a few moments to think of the charge her husband had +given her, and that he would not fail to keep his word in +punishing her very severely should she disobey him. But +she was so very curious to know what was in the inside +that she determined to venture in spite of everything.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[233]</a></span></p> + +<p>She accordingly, with a trembling hand, put the key into +the lock, and the door immediately opened. The window +shutters being closed, she at first saw nothing; but in a +short time she perceived that the floor was covered with +clotted blood, on which the bodies of several dead women +were lying. These were all the wives whom Blue Beard +had married and murdered, one after another. She was +ready to sink with fear, and the key of the closet door, +which she held in her hand, fell on the floor. When she had +somewhat recovered from her fright she took it up, locked +the door, and hastened to her own room that she might have +a little time to get into humour for amusing her visitors; +but this she found impossible, so greatly was she terrified +by what she had seen.</p> + +<p>As she observed that the key of the closet had got stained +with blood in falling on the floor, she wiped it two or three +times over to clean it; still, however, the blood remained +the same as before. She next washed it, but the blood did +not stir at all; she then scoured it with brickdust, and +afterwards with sand, but notwithstanding all she could do, +the blood was still there; for the key was a fairy, who was +Blue Beard's friend, so that as fast as she got it off on one +side it appeared again on the other.</p> + +<p>Early in the evening Blue Beard returned home, saying he +had not proceeded far on his journey before he was met by +a messenger who was coming to tell him that his business +was happily concluded without his being present, upon +which his wife said everything she could think of to make +him believe she was transported with joy at his unexpected +return.</p> + +<p>The next morning he asked her for the keys. She gave +them to him; but as she could not help showing her fright, +Blue Beard easily guessed what had happened. "How is +it," said he, "that the key of the closet upon the ground +floor is not here?" "Is it not? then I must have left it on<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[234]</a></span> +my dressing-table," said she, and left the room in tears. +"Be sure you give it me by-and-bye," cried Blue Beard.</p> + +<p>After going several times backwards and forwards, pretending +to look for the key, she was at last obliged to give +it to Blue Beard. He looked at it attentively, and then +said—"How came the blood upon the key?" "I am sure +I do not know," replied the lady, turning at the same time +as pale as death. "You do not know," said Blue Beard +sternly; "but I know well enough. You have been in the +closet on the ground floor. Vastly well, madam; since you +are so mightily fond of this closet, you shall certainly take +your place among the ladies you saw there."</p> + +<p>His wife, almost dead with fear, fell upon her knees, asked +his pardon a thousand times for her disobedience, and +entreated him to forgive her—looking all the time so very +sorrowful and lovely that she would have melted any heart +that was not harder than a rock.</p> + +<p>But Blue Beard answered, "No, no, madam; you shall +die this very minute!"</p> + +<p>"Alas!" said the poor trembling creature, "if I must die, +allow me, at least, a little time to say my prayers."</p> + +<p>"I give you," replied the cruel Blue Beard, "half a +quarter of an hour; not one moment longer."</p> + +<p>When Blue Beard had left her to herself, she called her +sister, and after telling her, as well as she could for sobbing, +that she had but half a quarter of an hour to live, "Prithee," +said she, "sister Ann" (this was her sister's name), "run up +to the top of the tower, and see if my brothers are yet in sight, +for they promised to come and visit me to-day; and if you see +them, make a sign for them to gallop as fast as possible."</p> + +<p>Her sister instantly did as she was desired, and the terrified +lady every minute called out to her, "Ann! sister Ann! +do you see any one coming?" and her sister answered, "I +see nothing but the sun, which makes a dust, and the grass, +which looks green.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[235]</a></span>"</p> + +<p>In the meanwhile Blue Beard, with a great scimitar in +his hand, bawled as loud as he could to his wife, "Come +down instantly, or I will fetch you."</p> + +<p>"One moment longer, I beseech you," replied she; and +again called softly to her sister—"Sister Ann, do you see +any one coming?" To which she answered, "I see nothing but +the sun, which makes a dust, and the grass, which looks green."</p> + +<p>Blue Beard now again bawled out, "Come down, I say, +this very moment, or I shall come and fetch you."</p> + +<p>"I am coming; indeed I will come in one minute," sobbed +his unhappy wife. Then she once more cried out—"Ann! +sister Ann! do you see any one coming?" "I see," said +her sister, "a cloud of dust a little to the left." "Do you +think it is my brothers?" continued the wife. "Alas! no, +dear sister," replied she; "it is only a flock of sheep."</p> + +<p>"Will you come down or not, madam?" said Blue Beard, +in the greatest rage imaginable.</p> + +<p>"Only one single moment more," answered she. And +then she called out for the last time—"Sister Ann! do you +see any one coming?"</p> + +<p>"I see," replied her sister, "two men on horseback coming +to the house, but they are still at a great distance."</p> + +<p>"God be praised!" cried she; it is my brothers; give +them a sign to make what haste they can.</p> + +<p>At the same moment Blue Beard cried out so loud for her +to come down that his voice shook the whole house.</p> + +<p>The poor lady with her hair loose, and her eyes swimming +in tears, instantly came down, and fell on her knees to Blue +Beard, and was going to beg him to spare her life; but he +interrupted her saying—"All this is of no use at all, for +you shall die." Then, seizing her with one hand by the +hair, and raising the scimitar he held in the other, was going +with one blow to strike off her head.</p> + +<p>The unfortunate creature turning towards him, desired to +have a single moment allowed her to recollect herself.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[236]</a></span></p> + +<p>"No, no," said Blue Beard, "I will give you no more time, +I am determined—you have had too much already;" and +again raising his arm. Just at this instant a loud knocking +was heard at the gates, which made Blue Beard wait for a +moment to see who it was. The gates were opened, and two +officers, dressed in their regimentals, entered, and, with their +swords in their hands, ran instantly to Blue Beard, who, +seeing they were his wife's brothers, endeavoured to escape +from their presence; but they pursued and seized him +before he had gone twenty steps, and, plunging their swords +into his body, he immediately fell down dead at their feet.</p> + +<p>The poor wife, who was almost as dead as her husband, +was unable at first to rise and embrace her brothers. She +soon, however, recovered; and as Blue Beard had no heirs, +she found herself the lawful possessor of his great riches.</p> + +<p>She employed a portion of her vast fortune in giving a +marriage dowry to her sister Ann, who soon after became +the wife of a young gentleman by whom she had long been +beloved. Another part she employed in buying captains' +commissions for her two brothers, and the rest she presented +to a most worthy gentleman, whom she married soon after, +and whose kind treatment soon made her forget Blue Beard's +cruelty.</p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<div class="center"><b>THE</b></div> +<div><br /></div> +<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>LIFE OF</b></span></div> + +<h1>MANSIE WAUCH</h1> + +<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>TAILOR IN DALKEITH.</b></span></div> + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<p>I was born during the night of the 15th of October, 1765, +in that little house, standing by itself, not many yards from +the eastmost side of the Flesh Market Gate, Dalkeith. Long<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[237]</a></span> +was it spoken about that something mysterious would +happen on that dreary night, as the cat, after washing her +face, gaed mewing about with her tail sweeing behind her +like a ramrod; and a corbie, from the Duke's woods, tumbled +down Jamie Elder's lum when he had set the little still a-going—giving +them a terrible fright, as they took it for the +deevil and then for an exciseman—and fell with a great +cloud of soot and a loud skraigh into the empty kail-pot.</p> + +<p>The first thing that I have any clear memory of was my +being carried out on my auntie's shoulder, with a leather +cap tied under my chin, to see the Fair Race. Oh! but it +was a grand sight! I have read since then the story of +Aladdin's Wonderful Lamp, but this beat it all to sticks. +There was a long row of tables, covered with carpets of +bonny patterns, heaped from one end to the other with shoes +of every kind and size, some with polished soles and some +glittering with sparables and cuddyheels, and little red +worsted boots for bairns with blue and white edgings, +hinging like strings of flowers up the posts at each end; and +then what a collection of luggies! The whole meal in the +market sacks on a Thursday did not seem able to fill them, +and horn spoons, green and black freckled, with shanks clear +as amber, and timber caups, and ivory egg cups of every +pattern. Have a care of us! all the eggs in Smeaton dairy +might have found resting places for their seats in a row. +As for the gingerbread, I shall not attempt a description. +Sixpenny and shilling cakes, in paper tied with skinie, and +roundabouts, and snaps, brown and white quality, and parliaments +on stands covered with calendered linen clean from +the fold. To pass it was just impossible; it set my teeth a-watering, +and I skirled like mad until I had a gilded lady +thrust into my little nieve—the which, after admiring for a +minute, I applied my teeth to and of the head I made no +bones, so that in less than no time she had vanished, petticoats +and all, no trace of her being to the fore save and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[238]</a></span> +except long treacly daubs extending east and west from ear +to ear, and north and south from cape nep of the nose to the +extremity of beardyland.</p> + +<p>But what of all things attracted my attention on that +memorable day was the show of cows, sheep, and horses, +mooing, baaing, and neighering; and the race—that was +the best! Od, what a sight! We were jammed in the +crowd of auld wives with their toys and shining ribbons, +and canter lads with their blue bonnets, and young wenches +carrying home their fairings in napkins as muckle as would +hold their teeth going for a month. There scarcely could be +muckle for love when there was so much for the stomach, +and men with wooden legs and brass virls at the end of +them playing on the fiddle, and a bear that roared and +danced on its hind feet with a muzzled mouth, and Punch +and Polly, and puppie shows, and mair than I can tell, when +up came the horses to the starting-post. I shall never forget +the bonny dresses of the riders. One had a napkin tied +round his head, another had on a black velvet hunting cap +and his coat stripped—oh, but he was a brave lad—and +sorrow was the folks for him when he fell off in taking ower +sharp a turn, by which auld Pullen, the bell-ringer, wha was +holding the post, was made to coup the creels. And the last +was all life, as gleg as an eel. Up and down he went, and +up and down gaed the beast on its hind legs and its fore +legs, funking like mad. Yet though he was not aboon +thirteen, or fourteen at most, he did not cry out for help +more than five or six times, but grippit at the mane with +one hand and at the back of the saddle with the other, till +daft Robie, the hostler at the stables, caught hold of the +beast by the head, and off they set. The young birkie had +neither hat nor shoon, but he did not spare the stick; round +and round they flew like daft. Ye would have thought +their een would have loupen out, and loudly all the crowd +were hurrahing when young hatless came up foremost, stand<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[239]</a></span>ing +in the stirrups, the long stick between his teeth, and +his white hair fleeing behind him in the wind like streamers +on a frosty night.</p> + + +<p class="center">CALF-LOVE.</p> + +<p>Just after I was put to my apprenticeship, having made +free choice of the tailoring trade, I had a terrible stound of +calf-love. Never shall I forget it. I was growing up long +and lank as a willow-wand, brawns to my legs there were +none, as my trousers of other years too visibly effected to +show. The long yellow hair hung down, like a flax-wig, the +length of my lantern jaws, which looked, notwithstanding +my yapness and stiff appetite, as if eating and they had +broken up acquaintanceship. My blue jacket seemed in the +sleeves to have picket a quarrel with the wrists and had +retreated to a tait below the elbows. The haunch-buttons, +on the contrary, appeared to have taken a strong liking to the +shoulders, a little below which they showed their tarnished +brightness. At the middle of the back the tails terminated, +leaving the well-worn rear of my corduroys like a full moon +seen through a dark haze. Oh! but I must have been a +bonny lad.</p> + +<p>My first flame was the minister's lassie, Jess, a buxom and +forward queen, two or three years older than myself. I +used to sit looking at her in the kirk, and felt a droll confusion +when our een met. It dirled through my heart like +a dart, and I looked down at my psalm-book sheepish and +blushing. Fain would I have spoken to her, but it would +not do; my courage aye failed me at the pinch, though she +whiles gave me a smile when she passed me. She used to +go to the well every night with her twa stoups to draw +water after the manner of the Israelites at gloaming, so I +thought of watching to give her the two apples which I had +carried in my pouch for more than a week for that purpose. +How she laughed when I stappit them into her hand and +brushed by without speaking. I stood at the bottom of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[240]</a></span> +close listening, and heard her laughing till she was like to +split. My heart flap flappit in my breast like a pair of fanners. +It was a moment of heavenly hope; but I saw Jamie +Coom, the blacksmith, who I aye jaloused was my rival, +coming down to the well. I saw her give him one of the +apples, and hearing him say with a loud gaffaw, "Where is +the tailor?" I took to my heels, and never stopped till I +found myself on the little stool by the fireside, and the +hamely sound of my mother's wheel bum-bumming in my +lug like a gentle lullaby.</p> + +<p>Every noise I heard flustered me, but I calmed in time, +though I went to my bed without my supper. When I was +driving out the gaislings to the grass on the next morn who +was it my ill fate to meet but the blacksmith. "Ou, +Mansie," said Jamie Coom, "are ye gaun to take me for +your best man? I hear you are to be cried in the kirk on +Sunday."</p> + +<p>"Me!" answered I, shaking and staring.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said he; "Jess, the minister's maid, told me last +night that you had been giving up your name at the manse. +Ay, it's ower true, for she showed me the apples ye gied her +in a present. This is a bonny story, Mansie, my man, and +you only at your apprenticeship yet."</p> + +<p>Terror and despair had struck me dumb. I stood as still +and as stiff as a web of buckram. My tongue was tied, and +I couldna contradict him. Jamie faulded his arms and gaed +away whistling, turning every now and then his sooty face +over his shoulder and mostly sticking his tune, as he could +not keep his mouth screwed for laughing. What would I +not have given to have laughed too!</p> + +<p>There was no time to be lost; this was the Saturday. +The next rising sun would shine on the Sabbath. Ah, what +a case I was in; I could mostly have drowned myself had I +not been frighted. What could I do? My love had +vanished like lightning; but oh, I was in a terrible gliff!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[241]</a></span> +Instead of gundy, I sold my thrums to Mrs. Walnut for a +penny, with which I bought at the counter a sheet of paper +and a pen, so that in the afternoon I wrote out a letter to +the minister telling him what I had been given to hear, and +begging him, for the sake of mercy, not to believe Jess's +word, as I was not able to keep a wife, and as she was a +leeing gipsy.</p> + + +<p class="center">PUSHING MY FORTUNE.</p> + +<p>The days of the years of my apprenticeship having glided +cannily over on the working board of my respected maister, +James Hosey, where I sat working cross-legged like a busy +bee in the true spirit of industrious contentment, I found +myself at the end of the seven year so well instructed in the +tailoring trade, to which I had paid a near-sighted attention, +that, without more ado, I girt myself round about with a +proud determination of at once cutting my mother's apron +string and venturing to go without a hold. Thinks I to +myself "faint heart never won fair lady," so, taking my stick +in my hand, I set out towards Edinburgh as brave as a +Hielander in search of a journeyman's place. I may set it +down to an especial providence that I found one, on the very +first day, to my heart's content in by at the Grassmarket +where I stayed for the space of six calendar months.</p> + +<p>Had it not been from a real sense of the duty I owed to +my future employers, whomsoever they might be, in making +myself a first-rate hand in the cutting, shaping, and sewing +line, I would not have found courage in my breast to have +helped me out through such a long and dreary time.</p> + +<p>Never let us repine, howsomever, but consider that all is +ordered for the best. The sons of the patriarch Jacob found +out their brother Joseph in a foreign land, and where they +least expected it, so it was here—even here where my heart +was sickening unto death, from my daily and nightly +thoughts being as bitter as gall—that I fell in with the +greatest blessing of my life, Nanse Cromie!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[242]</a></span></p> + +<p>In the flat below our workshop lived Mrs. Whitterraick, +the wife of Mr. Whitterraick, a dealer in hens and hams in +the poultry market, who, coming from the Lauder neighbourhood, +had hired a bit wench of a lassie that was to +follow them come the term. And who think ye should this +lassie be but Nanse Cromie, afterwards, in the course of a +kind providence, the honoured wife of my bosom, and the +mother of bonny Benjie.</p> + +<p>In going up and down the stairs—it being a common +entry, ye observe—me may be going down with my everyday +hat on to my dinner, and she coming up carrying a +stoup of water or half-a-pound of pouthered butter on a +plate, with a piece of paper thrown over it—we frequently +met half-way, and had to stand still to let one another pass. +Nothing came of these forgetherings, howsomever, for a +month or two, she being as shy and modest as she was bonny, +with her clean demity short gown and snow-white morning +mutch, to say nothing of her cherry mou, and me unco +douffie in making up to strangers. We could not help, +nevertheless, to take aye a stoun look of each other in passing, +and I was a gone man, bewitched out of my seven +senses, falling from my claes, losing my stomach, and over +the lugs in love, three weeks and some odd days before ever +a single syllable passed between us.</p> + +<p>If ever a man loved, and loved like mad, it was me, +Mansie Wauch, and I take no shame in the confession; but, +kenning it all in the course of nature, declared it openly and +courageously in the face of the wide world. Let them laugh +who like; honest folk, I pity them. Such know not the +pleasures of virtuous affection. It is not in corrupted, sinful +hearts that the fire of true love can ever burn clear. +Alas, and ohon orie! They lose the sweetest, completest, +dearest, truest pleasure that this world has in store for its +children. They know not the bliss to meet that makes the +embrace of separation bitter. They never dreamed the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[243]</a></span> +dreams that make awakening to the morning light unpleasant. +They never felt the raptures that can dirl like +darts through a man's soul from a woman's e'e. They never +tasted the honey that dwells on a woman's lip, sweeter than +yellow marigolds to the bee; or fretted under the fever of +bliss that glows through the frame on pressing the hand of +a suddenly met and fluttering sweetheart. But tuts-tuts—hech-how! +my day has long since passed; and this is stuff +to drop from the lips of an auld fool. Nevertheless, forgive +me, friends; I cannot help all-powerful nature.</p> + +<p>Nanse's taste being like my own, we amused one another +in abusing great cities, and it is curious how soon I learned +to be up to trap—I mean in an honest way; for when she +said she was wearying the very heart out of her to be home +again to Lauder, which, she said, was her native and the +true land of Goshen, I spoke back to her by way of answer—"Nancy, +my dear," says I, "believe me that the real land of +Goshen is out at Dalkeith, and if ye'll take up house wi' me, +and enter into a way of doing, I daursay in a while ye'll +come to think so too."</p> + +<p>What will you say there? Matters were by-and-bye +settled full tosh between us, and though the means of both +parties were small, we were young and able and willing to +help one another. For two three days, I must confess, after +Nanse and me found ourselves in the comfortable situation +of man and wife I was a dowie and desponding, thinking we +were to have a numerous small family and where work was +to come from; but no sooner was my sign nailed up with +four iron handfasts by Johnny Hammer, painted in black +letters on a blue ground, with a picture of a jacket on one +side and a pair of shears on the other, and my shop door +opened to the public with a wheen ready-made waistcoats, +gallowses, leather caps, and Kilmarnock cowls, hung up at +the window, than business flowed in upon us in a perfect +torrent. First one came in for his measure and then another.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[244]</a></span> +A wife came in for a pair of red worsted boots for her bairn, +but would not take them for they had not blue fringes. A +bare-headed lassie, hoping to be hansel, threw down twopence +and asked tape at three yards a halfpenny. The +minister sent an old black coat beneath his maid's arm, +preened up in a towel, to get docked in the tails down into +a jacket, which I trust I did to his entire satisfaction, +making it fit to a hair. The duke's butler himself patronized +me by sending me a coat which was all hair powder +and pomate to get a new neck put to it.</p> + +<p>No wonder than we attracted customers, for our sign was +the prettiest ye ever saw, though the jacket was not just so +neatly painted as for some sand-blind creatures not to take +it for a goose. I daresay there were fifty half-naked bairns +glowering their een out of their heads at it from morning +till night, and after they all were gone to their beds both +Nanse and me found ourselves so proud of our new situation +in life that we slipped out in the dark by ourselves and had +a prime look at it with a lantern.</p> + + +<p class="center">MANSIE WAUCH'S FIRST AND LAST PLAY.</p> + +<p>Mony a time and often had I heard of play-acting and +of players making themselves kings and queens, and saying +a great many wonderful things, but I had never before an +opportunity of making myself a witness to the truth of these +hearsays. So Maister Glen, being as fu' of nonsense and as +fain to have his curiosity gratified, we took upon us the stout +resolution to gang ower thegither, he offering to treat me and +I determined to run the risk of Maister Wiggie, our minister's +rebuke, for the transgression, hoping it would make na +lasting impression on his mind, being for the first and only +time. Folks shouldna at a' times be ower scrupulous.</p> + +<p>After paying our money at the door, never, while I live +and breathe, will I forget what we saw and heard that night. +It just looks to me by a' the world, when I think on't, like +a fairy dream. The place was crowded to the e'e, Maister<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[245]</a></span> +Glen and me having nearly gob our ribs dung in before we +fand a seat, and them behint were obliged to mount the back +benches to get a sight. Right to the fore hand of us was a +large green curtain some five or six ells wide, a guid deal the +waur of the wear, having seen service through two or three +simmers, and just in the front of it were eight or ten penny +candles stuck in a board fastened to the ground to let us see +the players' feet like when they came on the stage, and even +before they came on the stage, for the curtain being scrimpit +in length we saw legs and feet moving behind the scenes +very neatly, while twa blind fiddlers they had brought with +them played the bonniest ye ever heard. Od, the very music +was worth a sixpence of itsel'.</p> + +<p>The place, as I said before, was choke full, just to excess, +so that ane could scarcely breathe. Indeed I never saw ony +pairt sae crowded, not even at a tent preaching when Mr. +Roarer was giving his discourses on the building of Solomon's +Temple. We were obligated to have the windows opened +for a mouthful of fresh air, the barn being as close as a +baker's oven, my neighbour and me fanning our red faces +with our hats to keep us cool; and, though all were half +stewed, we had the worst o't, the toddy we had ta'en having +fomented the blood of our bodies into a perfect fever.</p> + +<p>Just at the time that the twa blind fiddlers were playing +the "Downfall of Paris" a hand bell rang, and up goes the +green curtain, being hauled to the ceiling, as I observed wi' +the tail o' my e'e, by a birkie at the side that had hand o' a +rope. So, on the music stopping and all becoming as still +as that you might have heard a pin fall, in comes a decent +old gentleman at his leesure, weel powdered, wi' an auld-fashioned +coat and waistcoat wi' flap pockets, brown breeches +with buckles at the knees, and silk stockings with red +gushets on a blue ground. I never saw a man in sic distress. +He stampit about, and better stampit about, dadding the end +of his staff on the ground, and imploring all the powers of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[246]</a></span> +heaven and yearth to help him to find out his runawa' +daughter that had decampit wi' some ne'er-do-well loon of a +half-pay captain that keppit her in his arms frae her bedroom +window up twa pair o' stairs. Every father and head +of a family maun ha'e felt for a man in his situation thus +to be rubbit of his dear bairn, and an only daughter, too, as he +telt us ower and ower again, as the saut, saut tears ran +gushing down his withered face, and he aye blew his nose on +his clean calendered pocket napkin. But, ye ken, the thing +was absurd to suppose that we should ken onything about +the matter, having never seen either him or his daughter +between the een afore, and no kenning them by head mark; +so, though we sympathized with him, as folks ought to do +with a fellow-creature in affliction, we thought it best to +haud our tongues to see what might cast up better than he +expected. So out he gaed stamping at the ither side, determined, +he said, to find them out though he should follow +them to the world's end, Johnny Groat's House, or something +to that effect.</p> + +<p>Hardly was his back turned, and amaist before ye could +cry Jack Robison, in comes the birkie and the very young +leddy the auld gentleman described arm and arm thegither, +smoodging and lauching like daft. Dog on it, it was a +shameless piece of business. As true as death, before all the +crowd of folk he pat his arm round her waist and ca'ed her +his sweetheart, and love, and dearie, and darling, and everything +that is sweet. If they had been courting in a close +thegither on a Friday night they couldna ha'e said mair to +ane anither, or gaen greater lengths. I thought sic shame +to be an e'e-witness to sic ongoings that I was obliged at +last to haud up my hat afore my face and look down, though, +for a' that, the young lad, to be sic a blackguard as his conduct +showed, was weel enough faured and had a guid coat +on his back wi' double gilt buttons and fashionable lapels, +to say little o' a very weel-made pair of buckskins a little<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[247]</a></span> +the waur o' the wear, to be sure, but which, if they had been +cleaned, would ha'e looked amaist as good as new. How +they had come we never could learn, as we neither saw +chaise nor gig; but, from his having spurs on his boots, it is +mair than likely that they had lighted at the back door of +the barn frae a horse, she riding on a pad behint him, maybe +with her hand round his waist.</p> + +<p>The faither lookit to be a rich auld bool, baith from his +manner of speaking and the rewards he seemed to offer for +the apprehension of his daughter; but, to be sure, when so +many of us were present that had an equal right to the +spulzie it wadna be a great deal a thousand pounds when +divided, still it was worth the looking after. So we just +bidit a wee.</p> + +<p>Things were brought to a bearing, whosoever, sooner than +either themsel's, I daursay, or onybody else present seemed +to ha'e the least glimpse of; for just in the middle of their +fine going on the sound of a coming fit was heard, and the +lassie, taking guilt to her, cried out, "Hide me, hide me, for +the sake of gudeness, for yonder comes my old father!"</p> + +<p>Nae sooner said than done. In he stappit her into a +closet, and, after shutting the door on her, he sat down upon +a chair, pretending to be asleep in a moment. The auld +faither came bouncing in, and seeing the fellow as sound as +a tap he ran forrit and gaed him sich a shake as if he wad +ha'e shooken him a' sundry, which sune made him open his +een as fast as he had steekit them. After blackguarding the +chiel at no allowance, cursing him up hill and down dale, +and ca'ing him every name but a gentleman, he haddit his +staff ower his crown and, gripping him by the cuff o' the +neck, askit him what he had made o' his daughter. Never +since I was born did I ever see sic brazen-faced impudence! +The rascal had the brass to say at ance that he hadna seen +word or wittens o' his daughter for a month, though mair +than a hundred folk sitting in his company had seen him<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[248]</a></span> +dauting her with his arm round her jimpy waist not five +minutes before. As a man, as a father, as an elder of our +kirk, my corruption was raised, for I aye hated leeing as a +puir cowardly sin and an inbreak on the ten commandments, +and I fand my neebour, Mr. Glen, fidgetting on the seat as +weel as me, so I thocht that whaever spoke first wad ha'e +the best right to be entitled to the reward; whereupon, just +as he was in the act of rising up, I took the word out of his +mouth, saying, "Dinna believe him, auld gentleman, dinna +believe him, friend; he's telling a parcel of lees. Never saw +her for a month! It's no worth arguing or ca'ing witnesses; +just open that press door and ye'll see whether +I'm speaking truth or no."</p> + +<p>The auld man stared and lookit dumbfoundered, and +the young man, instead of rinning forrit wi' his double +nieves to strike me, the only thing I was feared for, began +a-laughing, as if I had dune him a good turn. But never +since I had a being did I ever witness an uproar and noise +as immediately took place. The haill house was sae glad +that the scoundrel had been exposed that they set up siccan +a roar o' lauchter and thumpit away at siccan a rate at the +boards wi' their feet that, at lang and last, wi' pushing and +fidgetting and hadding their sides, down fell the place they +ca' the gallery, a' the folk in't being hurled tapsy-turvy head +foremost amang the saw-dust on the floor below, their guffawing +sune being turned to howling, ilka ane crying louder +than anither at the tap of their voices, "Murder! murder! +haud off me; murder! my ribs are in; murder! I'm killed—I'm +speechless!" and ither lamentations to that effect; so +that a rush to the door took place, in which everything was +overturned—the door-keeper being wheeled away like wildfire, +the furms strampit to pieces, the lights knockit out, and +the twa blind fiddlers dung head foremost ower the stage, +the bass fiddle cracking like thunder at every bruise. Siccan +tearing, and swearing, and tumbling, and squeeling was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[249]</a></span> +never witnessed in the memory of man sin' the building of +Babel, legs being likely to be broken, sides staved in, een +knocked out, and lives lost—there being only ae door, and +that a sma' ane—so that when we had been carried off our +feet that length my wind was fairly gane, and a sick dwam +cam' ower me, lights of a' manner of colours, red, blue, green, +and orange dancing before me that entirely deprived me o +common sense till, on opening my een in the dark, I fand +mysel' leaning wi' my braid side against the wa' on the +opposite side of the close. It was some time before I mindit +what had happened, so, dreading scaith, I fand first the ae +arm and then the ither to see if they were broken, syne my +head, and syne baith o' my legs; but a', as weel as I could +discover, was skinhale and scart free—on perceiving which, +my joy was without bounds, having a great notion that I +had been killed on the spot. So I reached round my hand +very thankfully to tak' out my pocket napkin to gi'e my +brow a wipe when, lo and behold, the tail of my Sunday's +coat was fairly aff and away, dockit by the haunch buttons.</p> + + +<p class="center">PHILISTINE IN THE COAL-HOLE.</p> + +<p>It was about the month of March, in the year of grace +anno domini eighteen hunder, that the haill country trummelled, +like a man ill of the interminable fiver, under the +consternation of Bonapartie and all the French vagabonds +emigrating ower and landing in the firth. Keep us a'! the +folk, dydit bodies, pat less confidence than became them in +what our volunteer regiments were able and willing to do +though we had a remnant amang us of the true bluid that +with loud lauchter lauched the creatures to scorn, and I for +ane keepit up my pluck like a true Hielander. Does ony +leeving soul believe that Scotland could be conquered, and +the like o' us sold, like Egyptian slaves, into captivity? +Fie, fie; I could spit on siccan havers. Are we no +descended, faither and son, frae Robert Bruce and Sir +William Wallace, having the bright bluid of freemen in our<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[250]</a></span> +veins and the Pentland Hills, as weel as our ain dear hames +and firesides, to fight for? The fief that wadna gi'e cut-and-thrust +for his country as lang as he had a breath to draw or +a leg to stand on should be tied neck and heels, without +benefit o' clergy, and thrown ower Leith Pier to swim for +his life like a mangy dog!</p> + +<p>It was sometime in the blasty month of March, the +weather being rawish and rainy, wi' sharp frosty nights that +left all the window soles whitewashed ower with frost-rind +in the morning, that as I was going out in the dark, afore +lying doun in my bed, to gi'e a look into the hen-house door +and lock the coal cellar, so that I might pit the bit key intil +my breek pouches, I happened to gi'e a keek in, and, lo and +behold, the awfu' apparition of a man wi' a yellow jacket +lying sound asleep on a great lump o' parrot coal in a +corner.</p> + +<p>In the hurry of my terror and surprise at seeing a man +with a yellow jacket and a blue foraging cap in such a situation, +I was like to drap the guid twopenny candle and faint +clean away; but, coming to mysel' in a jiffy, I determined, +in case it might be a highway rubber, to thraw about the +key, and, rinning up for the firelock, shoot him through the +head instantly, if found necessary. In turning round the +key the lock, being in want of a feather o' oil, made a noise, +and waukened the puir wretch, who, jumping to the soles of +his feet in despair, cried out in a voice that was like to break +my heart, though I couldna make out ae word of his paraphernally. +It minded me, by a' the world, of a wheen cats +fuffing and feighting through ither, and whiles something +that sounded like "Sugar, sugar, measure the cord," and +"dabble, dabble." It was waur than the maist outrageous +Gaelic ever spoken in the height o' passion by a Hieland +shearer.</p> + +<p>"Oho!" thinks I, "friend, ye cannot be a Christian from +your lingo, that's one thing poz; and I would wager tippence<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[251]</a></span> +you're a Frenchy. Who kens keeps us all, but ye may be a +Bonaparte himself in disguise, come over in a flat-bottomed +boat, to spy the nakedness of the land. So ye may just +rest content, and keep your quarters good till the morn's +morning."</p> + +<p>It was a wonderful business, and enough to happen to a +man in the course of his lifetime to find Mounseer from +Paris in his coal neuk, and have the enemy of his country +snug under lock and key; so while he kept rampaging, +fuffing, stamping, and diabbling away I went in and brought +out Benjie with a blanket row'd round him, and my journeyman, +Tommy Bodkin—who, being an orphan, I made a kind +of parlour boarder of, he sleeping on a shake-down beyond +the kitchen fire—to hold a consultation and be witness of +the transaction.</p> + +<p>I got my musket, and Tommy Bodkin armed himself with +the goose, a deadly weapon, whoever may get a clour with +it, and Benjie took the poker in one hand and the tongs in +the other; and out we all marched briskly to make the +Frenchman that was locked up from the light of day in +the coal house surrender. After hearkening at the door +for a while, and finding all quiet, he gave a knock to rouse +him up and see if we could bring anything out of him by +speering him cross-questions. Tammy and Benjie trembled +from top to toe, like aspen leaves, but fient a word could we +make common sense of it all. I wonder wha edicates thae +foreign creatures? It was in vain to follow him, for he just +gab, gabbled away like ane o' the stone masons at the tower +of Babel. At first I was completely bamboozled and amaist +dung stupid, though I kent a word of French which I wantit +to pit till him, so I cried through—"Canna you speak +Frencha, Mounseer?"</p> + +<p>He hadna the politeness to stop and mak' answer, but +just gaed on wi' his string of havers, without either rhyme +or reason, which we could mak' neither tap, tail, nor main o'.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[252]</a></span></p> + +<p>It was a sair trial to us a', putting us to our wit's end, and +hoo to come on was past all visible comprehension, when +Tammy Bodkin, gi'eing his elbow a claw, said—"Od, +maister, I wager something that he's broken loose frae +Pennycuick. We have him like a rotten in a fa'." On +Pennycuick being mentioned, we heard the foreign crature +in the coal house groaning out, "Och" and "ohone," and +"parbleu," and "Mysie Rabbie"—that, I fancy, was his +sweetheart at hame, sum bit French queen that wondered he +was never like to come frae the wars and marry her. I +thocht on this, for his voice was mournfu', though I couldna +understand the words; and, kenning he was a stranger in a +far land, my bowels yearned within me with compassion +towards him.</p> + +<p>I wad ha'e gien half-a-crown at that blessed moment to +ha'e been able to wash my hands free o' him, but I swithered, +and was like the cuddie between the twa bundles of hay. +At lang and last a thocht struck me, which was to gi'e the +deluded, simple cratur a chance of escape, reckoning that if +he fand his way hame he wad see the shame and folly of +feighting against us ony mair, and, marrying Maysie Rabbie, +live a contented and peacefu' life under his ain feg and bay +tree. So, wishing him a sound sleep, I cried through the +door—"Mounseer, gooda nighta," decoying away Benjie and +Tammy Bodkin into the house and dispatching them to +their beds like lamplighters, bidding them never fash their +thumbs, but sleep like taps, as I would keep a sharp lookout +till morning.</p> + +<p>As soon, hoosomever, as I fand a' things snug I slippit awa +to the coal-hole, and, giein' the key a canny turn in the lock, +I went to my bed beside Nanse.</p> + +<p>At the dawn o' day, by cock-craw, Benjie and Tammy +Bodkin, keen o' the ploy, were up and astir as anxious as if +their life depended on it, to see that all was safe and snug +and that the prisoner hadna shot the lock. They agreed to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[253]</a></span> +march sentry over him half-an-hour the piece, time about, +the ane stretching himsel' out on a stool beside the kitchen +fire by way of a bench in the guard-house, while the other +gaed to and fro like the ticker of a clock.</p> + +<p>The back window being up a jink, I heard the two confabbing. +"We'll draw cuts," said Benjie, "which is to walk +sentry first. See, here's twa straes; the langest gets the +choice." "I've won," cried Tammy, "so gang you in a +while, and if I need ye, or grow frightened, I'll beat leatherty +patch wi' my knuckles on the back door. But we had +better see first what he is about, for he may be howking a +hole through aneath the foundations. Thae fiefs can work +like moudiewards." "I'll slip forrit," said Benjie, "and gi'e +a'peep." "Keep to a side," cried Tammy Bodkin, "for, +dog on it, Moosey'll maybe ha'e a pistol; and, if his birse be +up, he would think nae mair o' shooting ye as dead as a +mawkin than I would do of taking my breakfast."</p> + +<p>"I'll rin past and gi'e a knock at the door wi' the +poker to rouse him up?" askit Benjie.</p> + +<p>"Come away then," answered Tammie, "and ye'll hear +him gi'e a yowl and commence gabbling like a goose."</p> + +<p>As all this was going on I rose and took a vizzy +between the chinks of the window shutters, so just as I +got my neb to the hole I saw Benjie as he flew past give +the door a drive. His consternation, on finding it flee half +open, may be easier imagined than described; for, expecting +the Frenchman to bounce out like a roaring lion, they +hurried like mad into the house, couping the creels ower +ane anither, Tammie spraining his thumb against the back +door, and Benjie's foot going into Tammie's coat pocket, +which it carried away with it like a cloth sandal. What +became o' the French vagrant is a matter o' surmise—nae +mortal kens.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[254]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>THE LIFE AND</b></span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>ASTONISHING ADVENTURES</b></span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF</b></span></p> + +<h1>PETER WILLIAMSON</h1> + +<p class="center"><span class="sm"><b>WHO WAS</b></span></p> + +<p class="center"><i>Carried off when a Child from Aberdeen</i></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>AND SOLD FOR A SLAVE.</b></span></p> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<p>I was born in the parish of Aboyne, Aberdeenshire, of +respectable parents, who sent me very early to live with +an aunt at Aberdeen. When, under the years of pupilarity, +once playing on the quay with others of my companions—being +of a stout robust constitution—I was taken notice of +by two fellows belonging to a vessel in the harbour employed +in the trade called kidnapping—that is, stealing +young children from their parents, and selling them as +slaves in plantations abroad. Being marked out by those +monsters of impiety as their prey, I was cajoled on board +the ship by them, where I was no sooner got than they +conducted me between the decks to some others they had +kidnapped in the same manner. At that time I had no +sense of the fate that was destined for me, and spent the +time in childish amusements with my fellow-sufferers in +the steerage, being never suffered to go upon deck whilst +the vessel lay in the harbour.</p> + +<p>In about a month's time the ship set sail for America. I +cannot forget that, when we arrived on the coast we were<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[255]</a></span> +destined for, a hard gale of wind sprung up from the S.E., +and, to the captain's great surprise (he not thinking he was +near land, although having been eleven weeks on the passage), +about twelve o'clock at night, the ship struck on a +sandbank off Cape May, near the Capes of Delaware, and, +to the great terror and affright of the ship's company, in a +short time was almost full of water. The boat was then +hoisted out, into which the captain and his fellow villains, +the crew, got with some difficulty, leaving me and my +deluded companions to perish, as they then naturally concluded +inevitable death to be our fate. Often in my distresses +and miseries since, have I wished that such had been +the consequence, when in a state of innocence! But Providence +thought proper to reserve me for future trials of its +goodness. Thus abandoned and deserted, without the least +prospect of relief, but threatened every moment with death, +did these villains leave us. The cries, the shrieks and tears +of a parcel of infants had no effect on, or caused the least +remorse in, the breasts of these merciless wretches. Scarce +can I say to which to give the preference, whether to such +as these who have had the opportunity of knowing the +Christian religion, or to the savages hereinafter described—who +profane not the gospel or boast of humanity; and if +they act in a more brutal and butcherly manner, yet it is to +their enemies, for the sake of plunder and the rewards +offered them—for their principles are alike, the love of +sordid gain being both their motives. The ship being on +a sandbank, which did not give way to let her deeper, we +lay in the same deplorable condition until morning, when, +though we saw the land of Cape May at about a mile's +distance, we knew not what would be our fate.</p> + +<p>The wind at length abated, and the captain, unwilling to +lose all her cargo, about ten o'clock sent some of his crew in +a boat to the ship's side to bring us on shore, where we lay +in a sort of a camp, made of the sails of the vessel, and such<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[256]</a></span> +other things as we could get. The provisions lasted us until +we were taken in by a vessel bound to Philadelphia, lying +on this island, as well as I can recollect, near three weeks. +Very little of the cargo was saved undamaged, and the +vessel was entirely lost.</p> + +<p>When arrived and landed at Philadelphia, the capital of +Pennsylvania, the captain had people enough who came to +buy us. He sold us at about £16 per head. What became +of my unhappy companions I never knew. It was my lot +to be sold to one of my countrymen, whose name was Hugh +Wilson, a North Briton, who had in his youth undergone +the same fate as myself, having been kidnapped from St. +Johnstown, in Scotland.</p> + +<p>Happy was my lot in falling into my countryman's power, +as he was, contrary to many others of his calling, a humane, +worthy, honest man. Having no children of his own, and +commiserating my unhappy condition, he took great care of +me until I was fit for business, and about the twelfth year +of my age, set me about little trifles, in which state I continued +until my fourteenth year, when I was more fit for +harder work. During such my idle state, seeing my fellow-servants +often reading and writing, it incited in me an inclination +to learn, which I intimated to my master, telling +him I should be very willing to serve a year longer than +the contract by which I was sold, if he would indulge me in +going to school; this he readily agreed to, saying that winter +would be the best time. It being then summer, I waited +with impatience for the other season; but, to make some +progress in my design, I got a Primer, and learned as much +from my fellow-servants as I could. At school, where I +went every winter for five years, I made a tolerable proficiency, +and have ever since been improving myself at +leisure hours. With this good master I continued till I +was seventeen years old, when he died; and as a reward +for my faithful service, he left me £200 currency, which<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[257]</a></span> +was then about £150 sterling, his best horse, saddle, and all +his wearing apparel.</p> + +<p>Being now my own master, having money in my pocket, +and all other necessaries, I employed myself in jobbing +about the country, working for any one that would employ +me, for near seven years, when, thinking I had money sufficient +to follow some better way of life, I resolved to settle, +but thought one step necessary thereto was to be married; +for which purpose I applied to the daughter of a substantial +planter, and found my suit was not unacceptable to her or +her father, so that matters were soon concluded upon, and +we married. My father-in-law, in order to establish us in +the world in an easy, if not affluent manner, made me a +deed of gift of a tract of land, that lay, unhappily for me, as +it has since proved, on the frontiers of the province of Pennsylvania, +near the forks of Delaware, in Berks County, containing +about two hundred acres, thirty of which were well +cleared and fit for immediate use, whereon was a good house +and barn. The place pleasing me well, I settled on it, +though it cost me the major part of my money in buying +stock, household furniture, and implements for out-door +work. And happy as I was in a good wife, yet did my +felicity last me not long, for about the year 1754, the Indians +in the French interest, who had for a long time before +ravaged and destroyed other parts of America unmolested, +I may very properly say, began to be very troublesome on +the frontiers of our province, where they generally appeared +in small skulking parties, with yellings, shoutings, and antic +postures, instead of trumpets and drums, committing great +devastations. The Pennsylvanians little imagined at first +that the Indians, guilty of such outrages and violence, were +some of those who pretended to be in the English interest, +which, alas! proved to be too true to many of us; for, like +the French in Europe, without regard to faith or treaties, +they suddenly break out into furious, rapid outrages and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[258]</a></span> +devastations, but soon retire precipitately, having no stores +nor provisions but what they meet with in their incursions. +Some, indeed, carry a bag with biscuit or Indian corn therein, +but not unless they have a long march to their destined +place of action. And those French who were sent to dispossess +us in that part of the world, being indefatigable in +their duty, and continually contriving and using all manner +of ways and means to win the Indians to their interest, +many of whom had been too negligent, and sometimes, I +may say, cruelly treated by those who pretend to be their +protectors and friends, found it no very difficult matter to +get over to their interest many who belonged to those +nations in amity with us, especially as the rewards they +gave them were so great, they paying for every scalp of an +English person £15 sterling.</p> + +<p>Shocking to human nature were the barbarities daily +committed by the savages, and are not to be parallelled in +all the volumes of history! Scarce did a day pass but some +unhappy family or other fell victims to savage cruelty. +Terrible indeed it proved to me, as well as to many others. +I that was now happy in an easy state of life, blessed with +an affectionate and tender wife, who was possessed of all +amiable qualities, to enable me to go through the world +with that peace and serenity of mind which every Christian +wishes to possess, became on a sudden one of the most unhappy +and deplorable of mankind. Scarce can I sustain +the shock which for ever recoils on me, at thinking on the +last time of seeing that good woman. The fatal 2nd of +October, 1754, she that day went from home to visit some +of her relations. As I stayed up later than usual, expecting +her return, none being in the house besides myself, how +great was my surprise, terror, and affright, when, about +eleven o'clock at night, I heard the dismal war-cry, or war-whoop +of the savages, and to my inexpressible grief, soon +found my house was attacked by them. I flew to my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[259]</a></span> +chamber window, and perceived them to be twelve in +number. They making several attempts to get in, I asked +them what they wanted. They gave me no answer, but +continued beating and trying to get the door opened. +Judge, then, the condition I must be in, knowing the +cruelty and merciless disposition of those savages, should I +fall into their hands. To escape which dreadful misfortune, +having my gun loaded in my hand, I threatened them with +death if they should not desist. But how vain and fruitless +are the efforts of one man against the united force of so +many, and of such merciless, undaunted, and blood-thirsty +monsters as I had here to deal with. One of them that +could speak a little English threatened me in return, that if +I did not come out they would burn me alive in the house, +telling me farther, that they were no friends to the English, +but if I would come out and surrender myself prisoner, they +would not kill me. My terror and distraction at hearing +this is not to be expressed by words, nor easily imagined +by any person, unless in the same condition. Little could I +depend on the promises of such creatures, and yet if I did +not, inevitable death, by being burnt alive, must be my lot. +Distracted as I was, in such deplorable circumstances, I +chose to rely on the uncertainty of their fallacious promises +rather than meet with certain death by rejecting them, and, +accordingly, went out of my house with my gun in my hand, +not knowing what I did, or that I had it. Immediately on +my approach, they rushed on me like so many tigers, and +instantly disarmed me. Having me thus in their power, +the merciless villains bound me to a tree near the door; +they then went into the house and plundered and destroyed +everything, carrying off what moveables they could; the +rest, together with the house, they set fire to, and consumed +before my eyes. The barbarians, not satisfied with this, set +fire to my barn, stable, and outhouses, wherein were about +two hundred bushels of wheat, six cows, four horses, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[260]</a></span> +five sheep, which were entirely consumed to ashes. During +the conflagration, to describe the thoughts, the fears, and +misery that I felt, is utterly impossible; after this they untied +me, and gave me a great load to carry on my back, +under which I travelled all that night with them, full of +the most terrible apprehensions, and oppressed with the +greatest anxiety of mind, lest my unhappy wife should +likewise have fallen a prey to those cruel monsters. +At daybreak my infernal masters ordered me to lay down +my load, when, tying my hands again round a tree with a +small cord, they then forced the blood out of my finger-ends. +They then kindled a fire near the tree whereto I was bound, +which filled me with dreadful agonies, concluding I was +going to be made a sacrifice to their barbarity.</p> + +<p>The fire being thus made, they for some time danced +round me after their manner, with various odd motions and +antic gestures, whooping, hallooing, and crying in a frightful +manner, as it is their custom. Having satisfied themselves +in this sort of their mirth, they proceeded in a more tragical +manner, taking the burning coals and sticks, flaming with +fire at the ends, holding them near my face, head, hands, +and feet, with a deal of monstrous pleasure and satisfaction, +and at the same time threatening to burn me entirely if I +made the least noise or motion of my body. Thus tortured, +as I was, almost to death, I suffered their brutal pleasure +without being allowed to vent my inexpressible anguish +otherwise than by shedding tears; even which, when these +inhuman tormentors observed, with a shocking pleasure and +alacrity, they would take fresh coals and apply near my +eyes, telling me my face was wet, and that they would dry +it for me. How I suffered these tortures I have here faintly +described has been matter of wonder to me many times; +but God enabled me to wait with more than common +patience for a deliverance I daily prayed for.</p> + +<p>Having at length satisfied their brutal pleasure, they sat<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[261]</a></span> +round the fire and roasted their meat, of which they had +robbed my dwelling. When they had prepared it, and +satisfied their voracious appetites, they offered some to me; +though it is easily imagined I had but little appetite to eat, +after the tortures and miseries I had undergone; yet was I +forced to seem pleased with what they offered me, lest, by +refusing it, they had again resumed their hellish practices. +What I could not eat, I contrived to get between the bark +and the tree where I was fixed, they having unbound my +hands until they imagined I had ate all they gave me; but +then they again bound me as before, in which deplorable +condition was I forced to continue all that day. When the +sun was set they put out the fire and covered the ashes +with leaves, as is their usual custom, that the white people +might not discover any traces or signs of their having been +there.</p> + +<p>Going from thence along by the river, for the space of +six miles, loaded as I was before, we arrived at a spot near +the Apalachian mountains, where they hid their plunder +under logs of wood; and oh! shocking to relate, from thence +did these hellish monsters proceed to a neighbouring house, +occupied by one Joseph Suider and his unhappy family—consisting +of his wife, five children, and a young man, his +servant. They soon got admittance into the unfortunate +man's house, where they immediately, without the least +remorse, and with more than brutal cruelty, scalped the +tender parents and the unhappy children. Nor could the +tears, the shrieks, or cries of these unhappy victims prevent +their horrid massacre; for having thus scalped them, and +plundered the house of everything that was moveable, they +set fire to the same, where the poor creatures met their final +doom amidst the flames, the hellish miscreants standing at +the door, or as near the house as the flames would permit +them, rejoicing and echoing back, in their diabolical manner, +the piercing cries, heart-rending groans, and paternal and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[262]</a></span> +affectionate soothings, which issued from this most horrid +sacrifice of an innocent family. Not contented with what +they had already done, they still continued their inordinate +villainy, in making a general conflagration of the barn and +stables, together with all the corn, horses, cows, and everything +on the place.</p> + +<p>Thinking the young man belonging to this unhappy +family would be of some service to them in carrying part +of their plunder, they spared his life, and loaded him and +myself with what they had here got, and again marched to +the Blue Hills, where they stowed their goods as before. +My fellow-sufferer could not long bear the cruel treatment +which we were both obliged to suffer, and complaining bitterly +to me of being unable to proceed any farther, I endeavoured +to condole him as much as lay in my power, to bear +up under his afflictions, and wait with patience till, by the +divine assistance, we should be delivered out of their +clutches; but in vain, for he still continued his moans and +tears, which one of the savages perceiving as we travelled +on, instantly came up to us, and with his tomahawk gave +him a blow on the head, which felled the unhappy youth to +the ground, where they immediately scalped and left him. +The suddenness of this murder shocked me to that degree, +that I was in a manner like a statue, being quite motionless, +expecting my fate would soon be the same; however, recovering +my distracted thoughts, I dissembled the uneasiness +and anguish which I felt as well as I could from the +barbarians; but such was the terror that I was under, that +for some time I scarce knew the days of the week, or what +I did, so that, at this period, life indeed became a burden to +me, and I regretted being saved from my first persecutors, +the sailors.</p> + +<p>The horrid fact being completed, they kept on their course +near the mountains, where they lay skulking four or five +days, rejoicing at the plunder and store they had got. When<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[263]</a></span> +provisions became scarce, they made their way towards +Susquehana, where still, to add to the many barbarities +they had already committed, passing near another house +inhabited by an unhappy old man, whose name was John +Adams, with his wife and four small children; and, meeting +with no resistance, they immediately scalped the unhappy +wife and her four children before the good old man's eyes. +Inhuman and horrid as this was, it did not satiate them, for +when they had murdered the poor woman, they acted with +her in such a brutal manner as decency, or the remembrance +of the crime, will not permit me to mention, and this even +before the unhappy husband, who, not being able to avoid +the sight, and incapable of affording her the least relief, +entreated them to put an end to his miserable being. But +they were as deaf and regardless to the tears, prayers, and +entreaties of this venerable sufferer as they had been to +those of the others, and proceeded in their hellish purpose +of burning and destroying his house, barn, cattle, hay, corn, +and everything the poor man a few hours before was master +of. Having saved what they thought proper from the +flames, they gave the old man, feeble, weak, and in the +miserable condition he then was, as well as myself, burdens +to carry, and loading themselves likewise with bread and +meat, pursued their journey on towards the Great Swamp, +where, being arrived, they lay for eight or nine days, sometimes +diverting themselves in exercising the most atrocious +and barbarous cruelties on their unhappy victim, the old +man. Sometimes they would strip him naked and paint +him all over with various sorts of colours, which they extracted +or made from herbs and roots; at other times they +would pluck the white hairs from his venerable beard, and +tauntingly tell him he was a fool for living so long, and +that they would show him kindness in putting him out of +the world; to all which the poor creature could but vent +his sighs, his tears, his moans, and entreaties, that, to my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[264]</a></span> +affrighted imagination, were enough to penetrate a heart of +adamant, and soften the most obdurate savage. In vain, +alas! were all his tears, for daily did they tire themselves +with the various means they tried to torment him—sometimes +tying him to a tree and whipping him, at others +scorching his furrowed cheeks with red-hot coals, and +burning his legs quite to the knees. But the good +old man, instead of repining or wickedly arraigning +the divine justice, like many others in such cases, +even in the greatest agonies, incessantly offered up +his prayers to the Almighty; with the most fervent +thanksgivings for his former mercies, and hoping the flames, +then surrounding and burning his aged limbs, would soon +send him to the blissful mansions of the just, to be a partaker +of the blessings there. And during such pious ejaculations, +his infernal plagues would come round him, mimicking +his heart-rending groans and piteous wailings. One +night, after he had thus been tormented, whilst he and I +were sitting together, condoling each other at the misfortunes +and miseries we daily suffered, twenty scalps and +three prisoners were brought in by another party of Indians. +They had unhappily fallen into their hands in Cannojigge, a +small town near the river Susquehana, chiefly inhabited by +the Irish. These prisoners gave us some shocking accounts +of the murders and devastations committed in their parts. +The various and complicated actions of these barbarians +would entirely fill a large volume; but what I have already +written, with a few other instances which I shall select from +the information, will enable the reader to guess at the horrid +treatment the English, and Indians in their interest, suffered +for many years past. I shall therefore only mention, in a +brief manner, those that suffered near the same time with +myself. This party who now joined us, had it not, I found, +in their power to begin their wickedness as soon as those +who visited my habitation, the first of their tragedies being<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[265]</a></span> +on the 25th day of October, 1754, when John Lewis, with +his wife and three small children, fell sacrifices to their +cruelty, and were miserably scalped and murdered, his +house, barn, and everything he possessed being burnt and +destroyed. On the 28th, Jacob Miller, with his wife and +six of his family, together with everything on his plantation, +underwent the same fate. The 30th—the house, mill, +barn, twenty head of cattle, two teams of horses, and everything +belonging to the unhappy George Folke, met with the +like treatment—himself, wife, and all his miserable family, +consisting of nine in number, being inhumanly scalped, then +cut in pieces and given to the swine, which devoured them. +I shall give another instance of the numberless and unheard +of barbarities they related of the savages, and proceed to +their own tragical end. In short, one of the substantial +traders belonging to the province, having business that +called him some miles up the country, fell into the hands of +these devils, who not only scalped him, but immediately +roasted him before he was dead; then, like cannibals for +want of other food, ate his whole body, and of his head +made what they called an Indian pudding.</p> + +<p>From these few instances of savage cruelty, the deplorable, +situation of the defenceless inhabitants, and what they +hourly suffered in that part of the globe, must strike the +utmost terror to a human soul, and cause in every breast +the utmost detestation, not only against the authors of such +tragic scenes, but against those who, through perfidy, inattention, +or pusillanimous and erroneous principles, suffered +these savages at first, unrepelled, or even unmolested, to +commit such outrages and incredible depredations and murders; +for no torments, no barbarities that can be exercised +on the human sacrifices they get into their power, are left +untried or omitted.</p> + +<p>The three prisoners that were brought with these additional +forces, constantly repining at their lot, and almost<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[266]</a></span> +dead with their excessive hard treatment, contrived at last +to make their escape; but being far from their own settlements, +and not knowing the country, were soon after met +by some others of the tribes or nations at war with us, and +brought back to their diabolical masters, who greatly rejoiced +at having them again in their infernal power. The +poor creatures, almost famished for want of sustenance, +having had none during the time of their elopement, were +no sooner in the clutches of the barbarians, than two of +them were tied to a tree, and a great fire made round them, +where they remained till they were terribly scorched and +burnt, when one of the villains, with his scalping knife, +ripped open their bellies, took out their entrails, and burnt +them before their eyes, whilst the others were cutting, +piercing, and tearing the flesh from their breasts, hands, +arms, and legs, with red-hot irons, till they were dead. The +third unhappy victim was reserved a few hours longer, to +be, if possible, sacrificed in a more cruel manner. His arms +were tied close to his body, and a hole being dug deep +enough for him to stand upright, he was put therein, and +earth rammed and beat in all round his body, up to the +neck, so that his head only appeared above the ground; +they then scalped him, and there let him remain for three +or four hours in the greatest agonies; after which they +made a small fire near his head, causing him to suffer the +most excruciating torments imaginable, whilst the poor +creature could only cry for mercy in killing him immediately, +for his brains were boiling in his head. Inexorable +to all his plaints, they continued the fire, whilst, shocking +to behold, his eyes gushed out of their sockets; and such +agonizing torments did the unhappy creature suffer for near +two hours, till he was quite dead! They then cut off his +head and buried it with the other bodies, my task being to +dig the graves, which, feeble and terrified as I was, the +dread of suffering the same fate enabled me to do. I shall<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[267]</a></span> +not here take up the reader's time in vainly attempting to +describe what I felt on such an occasion, but continue my +narrative, as more equal to my abilities.</p> + +<p>A great snow now falling, the barbarians were a little +fearful lest the white people should, by their traces, find out +their skulking retreats, which obliged them to make the +best of their way to their winter quarters, about two hundred +miles farther from any plantation or inhabitants, where, +after a long and tedious journey, being almost starved, I +arrived with this infernal crew. The place where we were +to rest, in their tongue, is called Alamingo. There were +found a number of wigwams full of their women and children. +Dancing, shooting, and shouting were their general +amusements; and in all their festivals and dances they +relate what successes they have had, and what damages +they have sustained in their expeditions, in which I became +part of their theme. The severity of the cold increasing, +they stripped me of my clothes, for their own use, and gave +me such as they usually wore themselves, being a piece of +blanket, a pair of mogganes, or shoes, with a yard of coarse +cloth to put round me instead of breeches. To describe +their dress and manner of living may not be altogether unacceptable +to some of my readers; but, as the size of this +book will not permit me to be so particular as I might +otherwise be, I shall just observe that they in general wear +a white blanket, which in war-time they paint with various +figures, but particularly the leaves of trees, in order to +deceive their enemies when in the woods. Their mogganes +are made of deer-skins, and the best sort have them bound +round the edges with little beads and ribbands. On their +legs they wear pieces of blue cloth for stockings, some like +our soldiers' splatter-dashes. They reach higher than their +knees, but not lower than their ancles. They esteem them +easy to run in. Breeches they never wear, but instead +thereof, two pieces of linen, one before and another behind.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[268]</a></span> +The better sort have shirts of the finest linen they can get, +and to these some wear ruffles; but these they never put on +till they have painted them of various colours, which they +get from the pecone root and bark of trees, and never pull +them off to wash, but wear them till they fall to pieces. +They are very proud, and take great delight in wearing +trinkets, such as silver plates round their wrists and necks, +with several strings of wampum, which is made of cotton, +interwoven with pebbles, cockleshells, etc., down to their +breasts, and from their ears and noses they have rings or +beads, which hang dangling an inch or two. The men have +no beards, to prevent which they use certain instruments +and tricks as soon as it begins to grow. The hair of their +heads is managed differently; some pluck out and destroy +all, except a lock hanging from the crown of the head, +which they interweave with wampum and feathers of +various colours. The women wear it very long, twisted +down their backs with beads, feathers, and wampum, and +on their heads most of them wear little coronets of brass or +copper; round their middle they wear a blanket instead of +a petticoat. The females are very chaste and constant to +their husbands; and if any young maiden should happen to +have a child before marriage, she is never esteemed afterwards. +As for their food, they get it chiefly by hunting +and shooting, and boil or roast all the meat they eat. Their +standing dish consists of Indian corn soaked, then bruised +and boiled. Their bread is likewise made of wild oats, or +sunflower seeds. Their gun, tomahawk, scalping-knife, +powder, and shot, they carry with them in time of war. +They in war decline open engagements—bush-fighting or +skulking is their discipline. They are brave when engaged, +having great fortitude in enduring tortures, and are the +most implacably vindictive people upon the earth; for they +revenge the death of any relation, or any affront, whenever +occasion presents, let the distance of time be ever so remote.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[269]</a></span> +After long enduring the greatest of hardships with these +Indians, I at last escaped out of their hands, and went to +Quebec, where I was put on board a French packet bound +for England; and after a passage of six weeks, we at last, +to our great joy, arrived at Plymouth on the 6th of November, +1756.</p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>THE</b></span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>FAMOUS EXPLOITS</b></span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF</b></span></p> + +<h1>ROBIN HOOD</h1> + +<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>LITTLE JOHN</b></span><span class="sm"> <b>AND</b></span> <span class="lg"><b>HIS MERRY MEN ALL.</b></span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sm"><b>INCLUDING AN ACCOUNT OF HIS</b></span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>BIRTH, EDUCATION, AND DEATH.</b></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>The Birth and Parentage of Robin Hood.</i></p> + + +<p>Kind gentlemen, listen a while to my story, and I will tell +you the bold exploits of the famous Robin Hood and his +comrade, Little John.</p> + +<p>All England was filled with the renown of Robin Hood, +and the great and the valiant stood in fear of him. He +never harmed the poor, for he pitied their fate, and only +spoiled the wealthy and proud, or nobles and slothful +bishops, who lived in state on the fruit of the husbandman's +toil. Robin was born in the merry town of Locksley, in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[270]</a></span> +Nottinghamshire. His father was a stout forester, and kept +the deer of King Richard the First; his mother was niece to +the celebrated Sir Guy of Warwick, and was sister to Squire +Gamewell, of Great Gamewell Hall.</p> + +<p>One day (when Robin was about fourteen years old) his +mother thus spoke to her spouse—"Dear husband, to-morrow +is Christmas Day, therefore let Robin and I take a ride +to Gamewell Hall this morning to see my brother and taste +his good ale and pudding. The squire was overjoyed to see +his sister, and young Robin learned the use of the bow, and +became the best marksman in the place."</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Robin's Progress to Nottingham. Being an Account of his +Adventures with the Fifteen Foresters.</i></p> + + +<p>Robin Hood was now about fifteen years old; in person +tall and stout, and of a good countenance; in courage and +strength few equalled him. One day he determined to take +a journey to Nottingham, hearing that the king had appointed +a shooting match in that town, to be disputed by +the best archers. When he came thither he happened to +fall into company with fifteen stout foresters, who sat drinking +and laughing together. "What news, what news?" +said bold Robin Hood, "that you drink and talk so merrily." +The foresters who despised him on account of his youth, +answered roughly, "We are come to win the king's prize, +which we are resolved to carry off, in spite of all opposition, +and will not be questioned by boys." "I have as good a +bow as the best," said Robin Hood, "and will contest the +prize with you." "We hold thee and thy bow in scorn," +said they; "shall a stripling like thee bear a bow before the +king's archers, that is not able to draw the string?" "I'll +lay a bet of twenty crowns," said Robin, "that I win the +king's prize, and hit the mark at a hundred yards distance."</p> + +<p> +"Doubt not I'll make the wager good,<br /> +Or ne'er believe bold Robin Hood."<br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[271]</a></span></p> + +<p>The mark was a running hart, let loose for the purpose; +and when the other bowmen had tried their skill, Robin +took his bow, and his well-made arrows, and taking good +aim, fairly hit the mark, at a hundred yards distance, the +multitude shouted, and hailed the young victor with joy. +"The prize is mine," said Robin Hood, "I claim it; the +wager, too, is mine, give it me." "The prize is none of +thine," said the fifteen foresters, "and the wager shall be +none of thine. Take up thy bow, insolent boy, and begone, +or we will break thy bones." Robin Hood, full of rage, +cried out, "You said I was no archer, but you have found me +one, and you now deny me my reward."</p> + +<p>He then took up his bow and departed, but having learnt +which way the foresters must take at their return home, he +repaired to the place where he had left his merry men, and, +consulting together, they resolved to lie in ambush in the +road. After a while they saw the foresters approaching, +shouting and singing, because they had brought off the +king's prize; but when Robin Hood and his men presented +themselves in battle array, their mirth was quickly changed +into terror and amazement. At first they made a show of +resistance, but finding the number of their adversaries to be +more than treble their own, they threw down their arms and +begged for mercy. "You said I was no archer," cried Robin +Hood; "now say so again, and let him that chooses it fly +for his life, and see if my arrows can overtake him." "We +beg for mercy," cried the foresters; "lo! here is the prize +that you won, and the wager of twenty crowns." "Well," +said Robin, "as you submit quietly, I will grant you your +lives, but you shall not escape without some reward for your +deeds." He and his men then stripped them of their clothes, +leaving them no covering but their trousers, and having cut +off their hair and their ears, daubed their faces with a mixture +of yellow and red; afterwards they bound their hands, +and tied a large pair of antlers on each of their heads, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[272]</a></span> +in this most ridiculous state drove them back into the town, +telling them if they offered to return they should not escape +with their lives. As soon as they entered the streets the +whole place was in an uproar, and, what with the barking +of a hundred dogs, the squalling of women, and hooting of +boys and men, there was such a hubbub as never before had +been known in the town of Nottingham.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and Little John. Being an Account of their +First Meeting, and how their Acquaintance +and Friendship began, with their Merry Reception in +Sherwood Bower.</i></p> + + +<p>When bold Robin Hood was about twenty years old he +happened to meet with a jolly stranger, whom he afterwards +called Little John. This man, though called little, was a +lusty young blade; his limbs were large, and his person +seven feet high. Wherever he went people quaked at his +name, and he made all his enemies to fly before him. 'Twas +thus their acquaintance began:—</p> + +<p>Robin and his men had built, in Sherwood Forest, a strong +and secret bower, so artfully contrived and hidden among +the woods, that none but themselves could ever find them +out, and to which they retreated in cases of need. Here +Robin once continued fourteen days with his merry bowmen, +and then he said to them—"Tarry a while in this +grove, my brave men; we have had no sport for these many +long days, therefore, I will wander abroad a short way to +seek some amusement. But do you be attentive, and hear +whenever I blow an alarm with my loud bugle horn, for by +this means I will let you know if I want your assistance."</p> + +<p>After he had strayed some time near a brook, he espied a +tall and lusty stranger coming towards him. They happened +to meet on a long, narrow wooden bridge, and neither of +them would give way to let the other pass. Robin Hood at +length, being enraged, drew an arrow from his quiver, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[273]</a></span> +threatened to shoot at the stranger's breast. "You dare +not," said the other, "for if you offer to touch the string, I'll +beat out your teeth and tumble you into the brook. You +see I have nothing but a staff in my hand, and none but a +coward would offer to fight with weapons so different." +"The name of a coward," said Robin, "I scorn; I will +therefore lay aside my bow and arrows and take a stout +staff to prove thy manhood." The stranger accepted the +challenge, and the sport was quickly begun. At first Robin +gave the man such a stroke that it made his sides ring. The +other said, "I must pay you for this, friend, and give you as +good as you send, for as long as I am able to handle a staff +I scorn to die in your debt." He then gave Robin so hearty +a knock on the crown, that the blood ran trickling down to +his ears. Robin now engaged more fiercely, and laid on his +blows so thick and fast, that he made his adversary's coat +smoke as if it had been on fire; but the stranger waxing +most furious and strong, at length gave Robin such a terrible +side-blow, that it quite beat him down and tumbled him +into the brook. Then, in laughter, he called out to his +fallen foe, "Prithee, where art thou now, my good fellow!" +"Why, faith," said Robin, "I swim with the tide, as every +man should do." He now swam along to the bank, and +pulled himself out by a thorn, and then said to the conqueror, +"Thou art a brave soul, I will contend no longer +with thee."</p> + +<p>He then took up his horn and blew such a blast with it +as made the hills echo all around. Presently they saw coming +hastily down the hillside a band of brave archers, +clothed in a livery of green. They quickly came up to +Robin Hood, and Will Stuckley (their leader) cried out, +"Pray, what is the matter, good master? why, you seem wet +to the skin!" "No matter for that," said Robin, "the man +that stands by has, in fighting, tumbled me into the brook." +"If that be the case," said his men, "he shall not escape<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[274]</a></span> +without a good ducking in the same stream." "Not so, my +brave men," said Robin Hood, "he is a stout, hearty fellow, +that fought me fairly. My friend," said he to the stranger, +"pray be not afraid, for no harm shall befall thee; all these are +my bowmen, that come at my call, and if thou wilt live with +me, and be one of them, thou shalt quickly put on such a dress +as theirs; we will teach thee the use of the bow to shoot the +fat deer, for we live gloriously, without any restraint, and +fear not the laws." "Then here is my hand," replied the +stranger, "I'll serve thee with a willing mind, for I perceive +you are all brave, hearty fellows. My name is John Little, I +am a man of some skill, and at all times will play my part +well."</p> + +<p>"His name shall be altered," said Will Stuckley, "I like +not the sound of John Little, his name shall be called Little +John."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and the Butchers, with his Comical Behaviour +to the Sheriff of Nottingham.</i></p> + + +<p>One day as Robin Hood was taking his walk through the +forest, he happened to behold a jolly butcher, sitting between +his hampers, on a stout young mare, going to sell his meat +at market. "Good morrow, honest fellow," said Robin; +"prithee, what food hast thou in thy hampers, and from +whence comest thou? for I seem to have a liking to thy +company." The butcher replied, "No matter from whence +I come, master, nor where I dwell; you may see that I am +a butcher, and am going to Nottingham to sell my meat." +"Wilt thou sell thy meat to me?" said Robin; "tell me the +price of it altogether; also, what thou wilt have for the +mare that carries thee, and all thy other accoutrements; we +will not differ about the cost, for I would fain be a butcher +for once." "The price of my meat and the price of my +mare," said the butcher, "shall be twenty good marks; and +I think they are nothing too dear." Robin agreed, and set<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[275]</a></span> +out to Nottingham to begin his butcher's trade; and when +he came thither, took up his inn next door to the sheriff's +house. When other butchers began to open their shops he +opened his; but was at a loss how to sell his meat, being so +young a butcher; however he was determined not to be +undersold, and he found customers plenty. When the other +butchers could not sell a joint Robin's trade went on briskly, +and no butcher could match him; for he sold more meat for +one penny than others could do for five. He sold his meat +so fast that the butchers of Nottingham were at a stand to +know who this bold fellow was. "Surely," said they, "he is +some prodigal that has sold his father's land; and is thus +sporting away his money." They then, stepped up to him +to make acquaintance. "Come, brother," said they, "we +are all of one trade, let us go and dine together; the sheriff +has provided a treat for the butchers to-day; and you must +go with us." "Agreed," said bold Robin, "may that butcher +be hanged that can deny the request of his brethren."</p> + +<p>After dinner the sheriff said to Robin, "Hast thou any +cattle or horned beasts to sell, my good fellow? if thou hast +I would fain buy them of thee." "Yes, that I have, Master +Sheriff," said Robin; "I have eight or ten score of horned +beasts that I long to have sold, and they are fat and fair." +The sheriff then saddled his dappled grey horse and set out +with Robin Hood to behold his horned cattle, taking with +him plenty of gold to complete his bargain. When they +came to Sherwood Forest the sheriff began to be apprehensive +of some danger, and trembled for fear, saying, "Heaven +defend us from a wonderful bold man that is called Robin +Hood, who plays a thousand wicked pranks in this country, +and empties the pockets of every rich man he meets." They +had not gone much farther before they beheld an hundred +head of fat deer that came tripping along the road; and +then Robin cried out, "Look here, Master Sheriff, behold my +herd of horned beasts; how like you their colour and their<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[276]</a></span> +make? they seem fat and fair to the eye." "What dost +thou mean, fellow?" said the sheriff; "I wish I was safe +out of this forest, for I like not thy company." "Then will +you not buy?" said Robin Hood; "however, since you came +hither to buy my cattle, you must pay whether you take +them or not." He then put his horn to his mouth and blew +a loud blast with it. Quickly Little John and his company +appeared, and said, "Pray, what is your pleasure, good +master?" Said Robin, "I have brought the sheriff of Nottingham +to eat with you to-day, and I hope you will make +him right welcome." "He is welcome, kind master," said +John; "but I hope he will honestly pay for cooking." Robin +now bade the sheriff dismount, and, taking his mantle from +his back, quickly told out his gold; then he took him to his +bower and feasted him well; afterwards he set him again on +his dapple grey horse and brought him back through the +wood. "Commend me to your wife at home, my kind sir," +said Robin; so he turned and went laughing away.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and Allen Adale, with his Generous Behaviour +to Two Distressed Lovers.</i></p> + + +<p>As bold Robin Hood one day was standing in the forest +just under the green oaken tree, he espied a gallant young +man, clothed in scarlet and white, as gay as a lark, who +came tripping along the road singing a roundelay. He +seemed in great haste and quickly was out of sight. Next +morning as Robin Hood stood in the same place he beheld +the same young man coming over the plain, but his carriage +was totally changed; he now passed slowly along and his +head hung drooping upon his breast. Little John stepped +towards him, to know who he was, but when the young man +saw him coming he bent his bow and said, "Stand off, thou +bold forester; what wouldest thou have with me?" "You +must come before our master," he replied, "who is standing +under the green oaken tree; come without delay and no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[277]</a></span> +harm shall befall thee." And when he was come before +Robin Hood, Robin said to him, "Hast thou any money to +spare for my merry men and me? Come, answer without +fear." "Indeed I have no money to spare," said the young +man; "I have but five shillings and a little gold ring, and +this ring I have kept for these seven long years to present +to my bride on my wedding day. Yesterday I should have +married the maid that I love, but she was chosen to be an +old knight's wife, and taken from me by force; therefore my +heart is nearly broken?"</p> + +<p>Robin Hood now set out, with fifty stout archers in his +train, nor did they stop till they came near to the church +where Allen should have been married. He then concealed +his men while he went boldly into the church. "What dost +thou here, bold man?" said the bishop. "I am a merry +harper," said Robin, "as good as any in the north." "O, +welcome then," said the bishop, "for that music is my delight." +Presently there came in a wealthy old knight leading +a young damsel by the hand, of a fair though sorrowful +countenance, dressed in her glittering attire. "This is not +a fit match," said bold Robin Hood, "the bridegroom is +much too old and uncomely; but since I am here, and the +bride is prepared, she shall now choose her own mate."</p> + +<p>Robin then applied the horn to his mouth, and blew twice +and thrice with it, at the sound of which his fifty stout +bowmen came leaping over the churchyard, and the first +man was Allen Adale, who gave bold Robin his bow. "This +is thy true lover," said Robin; "come, take her, and be +married before we depart." "That never shall be," said the +bishop; "thy speech is too bold, and the law of our country +requires that they be three times asked in the church." Robin +Hood then pulled off the bishop's rich apparel, and put it +upon Little John, and made him appear like a priest. "By +my faith," said Robin, laughing, "that clothing becomes thee +well; thou now lookest like a man and a bishop; therefore<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[278]</a></span> +begin thy office." When Little John went to the desk the +people began to laugh and seemed to enjoy the joke; he +asked them full seven times over to make the banns sure, +lest three times should not be enough. "Who gives this fair +maid to Allen Adale for a wife?" said Little John. "I give +her to him with all my heart," said Robin Hood, "and he +that dare to oppose, or take her away from her spouse, shall +buy her dearly."</p> + +<p>Thus ended this merry wedding, and the new married +pair returned with Robin Hood to Sherwood bower.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and his Kinsman. Showing how he met and +fought with a Stranger, who afterwards proved to +be his Cousin Scarlet.</i></p> + + +<p>As Robin walked about the forest one day he met with a +comely young man, dressed in a doublet of silk, with scarlet +hose, travelling boldly along with a stout bow in his hand. +A herd of fat deer happened to be feeding not far distant, +which, when the stranger saw, he bent his bow, and shot the +best of them through the heart. "Well shot, well shot," +said Robin Hood, "thy aim was good and sure; I like a bold +archer well; and if thou wilt be one of my comrades, and +live in my bower, I will treat thee with noble entertainment, +and pay thee well besides." "Go, talk with thy grandame," +said the stranger, "and make no such wild offers to me, or +else I shall use thee somewhat rudely." "Thou hadst better +be quiet," said Robin, "for if thou shouldest offer to make an +assault, thou wilt dearly repent of the deed; my arm is not +weak, and thou mayest see that I carry a bow; besides, +though I am now alone, should I blow an alarm with my +loud bugle-horn, I should quickly have at my command a +hundred brave men." "I defy all thy power," said the other, +"and if thou offerest to touch thy horn, my good broad-sword +shall cut it in two, and strike thee to the dust." Bold Robin<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[279]</a></span> +Hood then bent his stout bow, and stood ready to shoot at +his foe. The stranger also took his strong bow and as +readily stood on his guard. "Prithee, let us hold our hands," +said Robin Hood, "for if we attempt to shoot, one of us +must infallibly die; let us now lay aside our bows and try +each other's skill with bucklers and good broadswords." +These rivals in skill then fought stoutly and boldly, and +many a hard blow resounded upon their bucklers. They +aimed their strong blows above and below, from the head +to the feet, but neither of them could make the other give +way. Robin Hood at length gave the stranger such a mighty +stroke that it made the fire fly from his eyes, and almost +deprived him of his senses. "I hope to give thee a blow," +said the stranger, "that shall shame all the rest, and put an +end to the fray." Then presently, taking good aim with his +sword, he struck Robin upon the head with such force, that +the blood soon appeared and ran trickling down his cheeks. +"By my faith," said Robin Hood, "I must now beg for +quarter; prithee, my brave fellow, tell me who thou art, and +what is thy name, for I love and respect a brave man." The +stranger answered, "I was born and bred in the town of +Maxfield, and my name is Gamewell; I am forced to fly +from home and to hide myself for having killed my father's +steward, who had falsely accused me; and I came to this +forest to seek a bold uncle of mine, who goes by the name +of bold Robin Hood." "Art thou then a cousin of bold +Robin Hood's?" answered he; "had I known it before, our +fight would have been sooner done." "On my life," said the +stranger, "I am his first kin, and son to his mother's second +brother, who now lives at court with the king, and for gallant +deeds he performed in Palestine he is soon to be made +a noble peer." When Robin heard this he embraced him +with great joy, and soon let him know that he himself was +his uncle Robin Hood. They then set out for the green +shady bower, and met Little John by the way.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[280]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and Bishop of Hereford. Robin Hood in +Distress changes Clothes with an old Woman to Escape from +the Bishop, whom he afterwards takes Prisoner, and +obliges him to sing Mass.</i></p> + + +<p>Robin Hood and all his men were now outlawed, because +they had broken the forest laws (which were very severe), +and had killed the king's fat deer.</p> + +<p>As Robin walked out one fine summer's day, when the +fields were pleasant and green, and the birds sang sweetly in +the bushes, he was tempted to wander beyond the skirts of +the forest, far away from his bower; and as he was thinking +of going back he was espied by the proud bishop of Hereford, +who was passing along with a great company. "Oh, +what shall I now do?" said Robin to himself. "If the +bishop should take me I shall be hanged without mercy." +Then Robin turned nimbly about and ran with full speed to +the house of an old woman whom he knew. "Good woman," +said Robin, "I pray you let me in, for yonder is the bishop +and all his men, and if I am taken, I must die." "Why, +who art thou," said the old woman, "that comest hither in +such a fright?" "I am Robin Hood," he replied; "canst +thou not recollect me?" "I think I now do," said the old +woman, "and if thou art even Robin Hood, I will provide +for thy safety and hide thee from the proud bishop and his +company." "Then give me thy gown and thy female attire," +said Robin, "and put thee on my livery of green: give me +also thy distaff and spindle, and take my arrows and bow."</p> + +<p>When Robin Hood was thus arrayed he went forth without +fear, and returned to his men in the wood. When Little +John saw him thus dressed, coming over the forest, he cried, +"Behold, who is yonder, that seems approaching this way; +the old woman looks like a witch, and I will send an arrow +to meet her." "Hold thy hand, hold thy hand," said Robin +Hood, "I am thy master in disguise, and this habit I was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[281]</a></span> +forced to put on to escape from a strong enemy who had me +in chase."</p> + +<p>Now, in the meantime, the bishop went to the old woman's +house, and with a loud, furious voice, cried, "Bring that +traitor, Robin Hood, that I may take him along with me +and make him pay the forfeit of all his bad deeds." The +old woman then came out dressed like Robin, and the bishop +placed her upon a grey steed, while he rode along laughing +for joy that he had seized upon bold Robin Hood. But as they +were riding through the forest in which their road lay, the +bishop espied a hundred tall men, stout and brave, coming +out of the wood, with their arrows in their hands. "Oh, +who are all these bowmen?" said the bishop, "and who is +that man that leads them towards us so boldly?" "In good +faith," said the old woman, "I think it is bold Robin Hood." +"Then who art thou," said the bishop, trembling with fear. +"I am only a poor old woman, proud bishop," said she: +"hast thou any occasion for me now?" Robin Hood coming +up, took the bishop by the hand, and placing him upon +the stump of a tree made him tune his voice and sing a full +mass to all the company; afterwards they brought him +through the wood, and having set him upon his horse with +his face towards the tail, they charged him for ever after to +pray for Robin Hood, and putting the tail in his hand, bid +him begone.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and the Three Yeomen. Robin delivers Three +Yeomen from Nottingham Gallows, who were going +to be Hanged for Killing the King's Deer.</i></p> + + +<p>As Robin Hood wandered about the fields one day he met +a fair lady who came weeping along the road in great distress. +"Oh, why do you weep so pitifully," said Robin, "and +what is the cause of your great distress?" "I weep," she +replied, "for the sorrowful fate of three brothers, the bravest +and dearest of men, who are all condemned to die." "What<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[282]</a></span> +church have they robbed?" said Robin, "or what parish +priest have they killed? or have they in treason been caught +against the rightful king?" "Woe is me!" said the lady, +"for my brothers must die, and only for killing the king's +fallow deer." "They shall not die," said bold Robin Hood; +"therefore go your way quickly home, and I will hasten to +Nottingham for the sake of your three hapless brothers."</p> + +<p>Robin Hood then set out to Nottingham, and in his way +met with a poor beggar man, who came walking slowly and +mournfully along the highway. "What news, my old +man?" said Robin, "what news dost thou bring from the +town?" "Oh! there is weeping and wailing in Nottingham +town," cried the old beggar man, "for the sake of three yeomen +who are condemned to die, for they are greatly beloved."</p> + +<p>The beggar had a tattered old coat upon his back which +was neither green, yellow, nor red, but some of every colour; +and Robin Hood thought it would be no disgrace, for once, +to be in the beggar's dress. "Come, pull off thy coat, my +old beggar," said he, "and thou shalt put on mine, and +thirty shillings beside I will give thee to buy bread and +beer." When Robin was thus arrayed, away he went to the +town, and when he came thither he soon found the sheriff +and his men, and likewise the three sorrowful yeomen who +were going to die. "One favour I humbly beg," said bold +Robin Hood to the sheriff, "that I may be the hangman +when the three yeomen are to die." "'Tis granted with free +goodwill," said the sheriff; "therefore go and prepare thyself +for thine office, for they have but few hours to live."</p> + +<p>Robin then returned to his brave band of archers, whom +he brought and placed in ambush near the field where the +gallows was fixed; afterwards going again to the sheriff, the +three yeomen were led to the appointed spot. "Now, begin +thine office, my jolly hangman," said the sheriff, "for these +yeomen no longer must live; and thou shalt have all their +good clothing, and all their money besides."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[283]</a></span></p> + +<p>Then Robin mounted the gallows, with his horn in his +hand, and he made it sound loud and shrill, when quickly +came marching over the field a hundred and more of his +faithful bowmen, all clothed in green. "Whose men are all +these," said the sheriff, "that come marching so boldly this +way?" "Oh, these are all Robin Hood's men," said he, "and +they are come to fetch me, and likewise to take the three +yeomen, who are going to die." "Oh, take them, pray take +them, without more ado," said the sheriff; "for there is not +a man in all Nottingham that can do the like of thee."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood and the Tinker of Banbury.</i></p> + + +<p>In summer time when the leaves were green and birds +sang merrily upon every tree, Robin Hood set out to Nottingham +in disguise, and as he went along the road he overtook +a jolly tinker. Robin greeted him kindly, and after +some discourse, said, "Tell me whence thou comest, my jolly +fellow, and in what town thou wast bred, for I hear there +is sad news in Nottingham, and when thou knowest it thou +may not choose to go thither." "I come from Banbury," +said the other, "where I was born and bred, and am a tinker +by trade; now tell me the news thou hast heard." "My +news is only this," said Robin, "two tinkers were yesterday +set in the stocks for drinking ale and strong beer." "If +that be all," said the tinker, "I value not your news a farthing; +for in drinking good ale and beer I am sure never to +be outdone, and resolve to have my share; and if I may +judge by your looks, you often take a good part." "Now," +said Robin Hood, "tell me what news has come to thy ears, +for, as thou travellest from town to town, thou canst never be +in want of good stories." "All the news that I lately have +heard," said the tinker, "relates to a bold outlaw who is +called Robin Hood; the king has given out warrants to apprehend +him, and I have one in my pocket to take him, +whenever I can find him; and if thou canst tell me where<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[284]</a></span> +he is, and assist me to seize him, it will make us rich men, +for a hundred pounds, or more, will be our reward." "Let +me see the warrant," said Robin, "that I may know if it be +good, and I will do the best that I can to assist thee in +taking him this very night." "My warrant I shall not let +thee see," said the tinker, "for I dare not trust it out of my +hand."</p> + +<p>As soon as they came to Nottingham they went to a good +inn, and calling for strong ale and wine, the tinker drank so +much that he forgot what he had to do, so that at night +Robin made haste away, taking the tinker's warrant, and +left him in the lurch to pay all the reckoning. When the +tinker awoke in the morning and found that his comrade +was gone, he called for the host and said, "I had a warrant +from the king that might have done me good, for it was to +take a bold outlaw called Robin Hood; but now my warrant +is stolen away from me, and I have not money enough to +pay the score, for the man that came with me last night is +fled away; therefore tell me what I have got to pay, and I +will leave my tools with thee in pledge till I return."</p> + +<p>The tinker then went his way, and soon learnt in the town +that the only way to find out bold Robin Hood was to seek +him in the parks, killing the king's deer. Away then he +went, and made no delay till he found Robin Hood chasing +the deer through the woods. "What bold knave is that," +said Robin, "that comes so freely to hinder my sport." "No +knave am I," cried the tinker, "and that you soon will know +to your cost; which of us have done wrong my crab-tree +shall decide." The tinker and Robin then fought manfully, +and the fray lasted three hours, or more, but at length the +tinker thrashed Robin's bones so sore, that he made him cry +out for peace. "One favour I have to beg," said Robin +Hood, "and I pray thee to grant it me." "The only favour I +will grant," said the tinker, "is to hang thee on a tree." +But while the tinker turned round, Robin blew his horn, at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[285]</a></span> +the sound of which Little John and Will Scarlet quickly appeared, +and said, "What is the matter, dear master, that +you look so forlorn?" "Here is a tinker standing by," said +Robin, "that has thrashed my bones sore." When they +heard this they were going to seize him by the throat, but +Robin said, "Let our quarrel now cease, that henceforth we +may be friends with the tinker, and he with us; and if he +will consent to be one of us, I will yearly give him fifty +pounds, as long as he lives, which he may spend in the way +which he likes best." So at last the tinker consented, and +went along with them to their bower.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Robin Hood's Death.</i></p> + + +<p>And now I must bring my stories to a close, and the unhappy +death of valiant Robin Hood.</p> + +<p>Robin fell ill, and because he required to be treated with +skill, he went to Kirkley Abbey, where they sent for a +monk to bleed him, and this monk being eager to get the +reward that King Henry had set upon Robin Hood's head, +most treacherously bled him to death.</p> + +<p>Thus he that never feared a sword or a bow, or any man +that lived, was basely killed, in letting of blood, and died +without a friend to close his eyes. As soon as his men heard +of his death they were filled with grief and dismay, and fled +away in haste. Some of them crossed the seas and went +to Flanders, some to France, and some to Spain and Rome.</p> + +<p> +Robin, Earl of Huntingdon,<br /> +Lies underneath this marble stone;<br /> +No archer ever was so good—<br /> +His name it was bold <span class="smcap">Robin Hood</span>.<br /> +Full thirty years, and something more,<br /> +These northern parts he vexed sore.<br /> +Such outlaws as he, in any reign,<br /> +May England never see again.<br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[286]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>HISTORY OF</b></span></p> + +<h1>DR. FAUSTUS</h1> + +<p class="center"><span class="sm"><b>SHOWING</b></span></p> + +<p class="indent">His wicked Life and horrid Death, and how he sold himself +to the Devil, to have power for twenty-four years to do +what he pleased, also many strange things done by him +with the assistance of</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>MEPHISTOPHELES.</b></span></p> + +<p class="indent">With an account how the Devil came for him at the end of +twenty-four years, and tore him to pieces.</p> + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Dr. Faustus' birth and education, with an account of his +falling from the Scriptures.</i></p> + + +<p>Dr. John Faustus was born in Germany. His father was +a poor labouring man, not able to bring up his son John; +but he had a brother in the same country, who was a very +rich man, but had never a child, and took a great fancy to +his cousin, and he resolved to make a scholar of him; +and in order thereunto, put him to the Latin school, where +he took his learning extraordinary well. Afterwards he put +him to the University to study divinity; but Faustus could +in no ways fancy that employment; wherefore he betook himself +to the studying of that which his inclination is most for, +viz., necromancy and conjuration, and in a little time few or +none could outstrip him in the art. He also studied divinity, +of which he was made Doctor; but within a short time fell +into such deep fancies and cogitations that he resolved to +throw the Scriptures from him, and betake himself wholly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[287]</a></span> +to the studying of necromancy and conjuration, charms and +soothsaying, witchcraft, and the like.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Dr. Faustus conjured up the Devil, making him appear +at his own house.</i></p> + + +<p>Faustus, whose mind was to study conjuration, the which +he followed night and day, he took the wings of an eagle, +and endeavoured to fly over the world, to see and know all +the secrets of heaven and earth; so that in a short time he +attained power to command the Devil to appear before him +when he pleased. One day as Dr. Faustus was walking in +a wood near to Wurtemberg, in Germany, he having a friend +with him who was desirous to know of the doctor's art, he +desired him to let him see if he could then and there bring +Mephistopheles before him; all which the doctor immediately +did, and the devil upon the first call made such a +noise in the wood as if heaven and earth would have come +together; then the devil made such a roaring as if the wood +had been full of wild beasts. The doctor made a circle for +the devil, the which circle the devil ran round, making a +noise as if ten thousand waggons had been running upon +paved stones. After this it thundered and lightened, as if +the whole world had been on fire. Faustus and his friend, +amazed at this noise, and the devil's long tarrying, thought +to leave his circle; whereupon he made him such music, the +like was never heard in the world. This so ravished Faustus +that he began again to conjure Mephistopheles in the name +of the prince of the devils to appear in his own likeness; +whereupon in an instant hung over his head a mighty +dragon. Faustus calls again after his former manner, after +which there was a cry in the wood as if hell had opened, +and all the tormented souls had been there. Faustus, in the +meanwhile, asked the devil many questions, and commanded +him to show many diabolical tricks.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[288]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Mephistopheles came to Dr. Faustus' house, and what +happened between them.</i></p> + + +<p>Faustus commanded the spirit to meet him at his house by +ten of the clock the next day. At the hour appointed he +came into his chamber asking Faustus what he would have. +Faustus told him it was his will and pleasure to conjure +him to be obedient to him in all points of those articles, +viz.:—</p> + +<p>First, That the spirit should serve him in all things he +asked, from that time till his death.</p> + +<p>Secondly, Whatsoever he would have, he should bring +him.</p> + +<p>Thirdly, Whatsoever he desired to know, he should tell +him.</p> + +<p>The spirit answered him and said he had no such power +of himself, until he had acquainted his prince that ruled +over him. "For," said he, "we have rulers over us that +send us out, and command us home when they please; and +we can act no further than our power is, which we receive +from Lucifer, who, you know, for his pride, was thrust out of +heaven. But," saith the spirit, "I am not to tell you any +more except you make yourself over to us."</p> + +<p>Whereupon Faustus said, "I will have my request? but +yet I will not be damned with you." Then said the spirit, +"You must not, nor shall not have your desire, and yet thou +art mine, and all the world cannot save thee out of my +hands." Then said Faustus, "Get thee hence, and I conjure +thee that thou come to me at night." The spirit then +vanished. Faustus then began to consider how he might +obtain his desire, and not give his soul to the devil.</p> + +<p>And while Faustus was in these his devilish cogitations +night drew on, and this hellish spirit appeared to Faustus, +acquainting him that now he had got orders from his prince +to be obedient to him, and to do for him whatsoever he de<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[289]</a></span>sired, +provided he would promise to be his, and withal to +acquaint him first what he would have of him? Faustus +replied that his desire was to become a spirit, and that +Mephistopheles should be always, at his command; that +whatsoever he called for him, he shall appear invisible to all +men, and that he should appear in what shape he pleased, +to which the spirit answered that all his desires should be +granted if he would sign those articles he should wish or ask +for. Whereupon Dr. Faustus withdrew and stabbed his +wrist, receiving the blood in a small saucer, which cooled so +fast, as if it forewarned him of the hellish act he was going +to commit; nevertheless he put it over embers to warm it, +and wrote as follows:—</p> + +<p>"I, John Faustus, approved doctor of divinity, with my +own hand do acknowledge and testify myself to become a +servant to Lucifer, Prince of Septentrional and Oriental, and +to him I freely and voluntarily give both soul; in consideration +for the space of twenty-four years, if I be served in all +things which I shall require, or which is reasonable by him +to be allowed; at the expiration of which time from the +date ensuing, I give to him all power to do with me at his +pleasure; to rule to retch and carry me where he pleases +body and soul. Hereupon I defy God and Christ, and the +hosts of angels and good spirits, all living creatures that +bear his shape, or on whom his image is imprinted; and to +the better strengthening the validity of this covenant and +firm agreement between us, I have writ it with my blood, +and subscribe my name to it, calling all the powers and +infernal potentates to witness it is my true intent and +meaning." JOHN FAUSTUS.</p> + + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>What happened to Faustus after the signing of the articles.</i></p> + + +<p>When Faustus had made an end of his writing he called +Mephistopheles to him, and delivered him the bond; whereupon +the spirit told, him if he did not repent of what he had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[290]</a></span> +done, he should enjoy all the pleasure his thoughts could +form, and that he would immediately divert him. He caused +a kennel of hounds to run down a hart in the hall, and +vanished; then a bull danced before Faustus, also there was +a lion and a bear, which fell to fighting before Faustus, and +the lion destroyed the bear; after that came a dragon and +destroyed the lion. And this, with abundance of more +pastime, did the spirit present to the doctor's view, concluding +with all manner of music, with some hundreds of spirits, +which came and danced before Faustus. After the music +was over, and Faustus began to look about him, he saw ten +sacks full of silver, which he went to dispose of, but could +not, for none could handle it but himself, it was so hot. This +pastime so pleased Faustus, that he gave Mephistopheles the +will that he had made, and kept a copy of it in his own +hands. The spirit and Faustus being agreed, they dwelt +together, and the devil was in their house-keeping, for there +was never anything given away to poor, which before +Faustus made this contract was frequently done, but the +case is now altered.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Faustus served the Duke of Bavaria.</i></p> + + +<p>Faustus having sold his soul to the devil, it was reported +among his neighbours, so that none would keep him company +but his spirit playing merry tricks for to please him. +Not far from Faustus' house lived the Duke of Bavaria, the +Duke of Saxony, and the Bishop of Salisburgh, whose houses +and cellars Mephistopheles used to visit, and to bring the +best of everything they had. One day the Duke of Bavaria +invited most of the gentry of the country to dinner, for +whose entertainment there was abundance of provision got +ready. The gentry being come, and ready to sit down +to dinner, in an instant Mephistopheles came and took +all away with him, leaving them full of admiration. If any +time Faustus had a mind for wild fowl, the spirit would call<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[291]</a></span> +whole flocks in at a window; also the spirit did teach +Faustus to do the like so that no lock nor key could keep +them out. The devil also taught Faustus to fly in the air, +and to act many things that are incredible and too large for +this small book to contain.</p> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Dr. Faustus dreamed of Hell in his Sleep and what he +saw there.</i></p> + + +<p>After Faustus had a long conference with his spirit concerning +the fall of Lucifer, and the state and condition of all +the fallen angels, he, in a vision or dream, saw hell and all +the devils and souls that were tormented there; he saw hell +divided into several cells, or deep holes; and for every cell, +or deep ward, there was a devil appointed to punish those +that were under his custody. Having seen this sight, he +much marvelled at it; and at that time Mephistopheles +being with him, he asked him what sort of people they were +that lay in the first dark pit; then Mephistopheles told him +they were those who pretended themselves to be physicians, +and who had poisoned many thousands to try practice; "and +now," saith the spirit, "they have just the same administered +to them which they gave to others, though not with the same +effect, for they will never die here," saith he. Over their +heads was a shelf laden with gallipots full of poison. Having +passed them he came to a long entry exceeding dark where +there was a mighty crowd. He asked him what those were? +and the spirit told him they were pick-pockets, who loved +to be in a crowd, when they were in the other world, and to +content them they put them in a crowd there. Amongst +them were some padders on the highway, and those of that +function. Walking farther he saw many thousands of vintners, +and some millions of tailors, in so much that they could +not feel where to get stowage for them; a great number of +pastry cooks with peels on their heads. Walking farther, +the spirit opening a great cellar door, from which arose a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[292]</a></span> +terrible noise, he asked what they were. The spirit told him +they were witches, and those who had been pretended saints +in the other world; but how they did squabble, fight, and +tear one another! Not far from them lay the whoremongers +and adulterers, who made such a hideous noise that he was +very much startled. Walking down a few steps he espied +an incredible number almost hid with smoke. He asked +what they were? The spirit told him they were millers and +bakers; but good lack, what a noise was there among +them! The millers crying to the bakers, and the bakers +crying to the millers for help, but all was in vain, for there +was none to help them. Passing on still farther, he saw +thousands of shopkeepers, some of whom he knew, who were +tormented for defrauding and cheating their customers. +Having taken this prospect of hell, the spirit Mephistopheles +took him in his arms, and carried him home to his own +house, when he awaking, he was amazed at what he saw in +his dream. So being come to himself, he asked the spirit in +what place hell was, and who made it? Mephistopheles +answered, "Knowest thou, that before the fall of Lucifer, +there was no hell, but upon his fall was hell ordained. As +for the substance of hell, we devils do not know. It is the +wrath of God that makes hell so furious, and what we procured +by our fall; but where hell is, or how it is governed, +and whatsoever thou desirest to know, when thou comest +there thou shalt be satisfied as far as we know ourselves."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Containing some Tricks of Dr. Faustus.</i></p> + + +<p>Dr. Faustus having attained the desire of his spirit, had +now full power to act or do anything whatever he pleased. +Upon a time the Emperor had a desire to see him, and likewise +some of the doctor's tricks; whereupon he was requested +by the Emperor to do somewhat to make him merry; but +the doctor in the meanwhile looking around him he at last +espied a great lord looking out at a window, and the doctor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[293]</a></span> +calling his spirit to help him, he in an instant fastened a +large pair of horns upon the lord's head, that he could not +get his head in till Faustus took off the horns again, which +were soon taken off invisibly. The lord whom Faustus +served so was extremely vexed, and resolved to be revenged +on the doctor, and to that end lay a mile out of town for +Faustus' passing by, he being that day to depart for the +country. Faustus coming by a wood side, beheld that lord +mounted upon a mighty warlike horse, who ran full drift +against Faustus, who, by the assistance of his spirit, took +him and all, and carried before the Emperor's palace, and +grafted a pair of horns on his head as big as an ox's, which +he could never be rid of, but wore them to his dying day.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Faustus ate a load of Hay.</i></p> + + +<p>Faustus upon a time having many doctors and masters of +arts with him, went to walk in the fields, where they met +with a load of hay. "How now, good fellow," saith Faustus, +"what shall I give thee to fill my belly with hay?" The +clown thought he had been a madman to talk of eating hay, +told him he should fill his belly for one penny, to which the +doctor agreed, and then fell to eating, and quickly devouring +half of the load; at which the doctor's companions laughed, +to see how simply the poor country fellow looked, and to +hear how heartily he prayed the doctor to forbear. So +Faustus pitying the poor man, went away, and before the +man got near his house all the hay was in the cart that the +doctor had eaten, which made the country fellow very much +admire.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How he struck a parcel of Students, who were fighting +together, blind; and how he served a parcel of Clowns +who were singing and ranting at an inn.</i></p> + + +<p>Thirteen students meeting with seven more near Dr. +Faustus' house, fell to, extremely, first in words and at last to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[294]</a></span> +blows. The thirteen being too hard for the seven, and Dr. +Faustus looking out at his window and seeing the fray, and +how much they were overmatched, conjured them all blind, +so that the one could not see the other, and in this manner +they fought one another, which made all that saw them +laugh. At length the people parted them, and led them to +their chambers, they instantly received their sight. The +doctor coming into an inn with some friends, was disturbed +by the hallowing and bawling of a parcel of drunken clowns, +whereupon, when their mouths were wide open, he so conjured +them, that by no means they could shut them again: +and after they had stared one upon another, without being +able to speak, thinking they were bewitched, they dropped +away in a confused fear, one by one, and never could be got +to the house afterwards.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Faustus helped a Young Man to a Fair Lady.</i></p> + + +<p>There was a gallant young gentleman who was in love with +a fair lady, living at Wurtemberg, near the doctor's house. +This gentleman had long sought this lady in marriage, but +could not attain his desire, and having placed his affections +so much upon her, he was ready to pine away, and had certainly +died with grief, had he not made his address to the +doctor, to whom he opened the whole matter. Now no +sooner had the gentleman told his cause to the doctor, but +he told him that he need not be afraid, for his desire should +be fulfilled, and that he should have her whom he so much +desired, and that this gentlewoman should have none but +him, which was accordingly done, for the doctor so changed +her mind that she could think of nothing else but him whom +before she hated; and Faustus' desire was this: He gave +him an enchanted ring which he ordered him to put into the +lady's hand, or to slip it on her finger, which he did; and +no sooner had she got the ring than her heart burned with +love to him. She, instead of frowns, could do nothing but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[295]</a></span> +smile upon him, and not be at rest till she asked him if he +thought he could love her, and make her his wife? He +gladly answered with all his heart. So they were married +the next day, and all by the help of Dr. Faustus.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XI.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Faustus made Seven Women dance naked in the +Market-place.</i></p> + + +<p>Faustus walking in the market-place, saw seven women +sitting all in a row, selling eggs, butter, etc. Of every one +he bought something and departed. No sooner was he gone +but all the eggs and butter were gone out of their baskets, +and they knew not how. At last they were told that Dr. +Faustus had conjured their goods away. They thereupon +ran speedily to the doctor's house, and so demanded satisfaction +for the ware. He resolving to make himself and the +town's people merry by his conjuring art, made them return +to their baskets naked as ever they were born; and having +danced a while in the market-place every one's goods were +conjured into their baskets again, and they set at liberty.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Faustus served a Country Fellow who was driving +Swine.</i></p> + + +<p>Dr. Faustus, as he was going to Wurtemberg, overtook a +country fellow driving a hundred swine, who were very +headstrong, some running one way and some another; so +that the driver could not tell how to get them drove along. +The doctor taking notice of it, so by his conjuring art he +made every one of them dance upon their two hind legs, +with a fiddle in one of their fore feet, and with the other fore +foot they played upon the fiddle, and so they danced and +fiddled all the way until they came into Wurtemberg +market, the driver of them dancing all the way before them, +which made the people wonder. After the doctor had satisfied +himself with the spirit he conjured all of the fiddles +away, and the driver then offered them for sale, and quickly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[296]</a></span> +sold them all, and took the money; but before he was gone +out of the house Faustus had conjured all the hogs out of the +market-place, and sent them all home to the driver's house. +The man who bought them, seeing all the swine gone, stopped +the man who sold them and would have his money, which +he was forced to pay, and so returned home sorrowful, and +not knowing what to do; but, to his great surprise, found +all the swine in their sties.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Faustus begun to bethink himself of the near +approach of his End.</i></p> + + +<p>Faustus having spun out his twenty-four years, within a +month or two, began to consider what he should do to cheat +the devil, but could not find any way to prevent his miserable +end, which was now near, whereupon he thus cries out +to himself, "Oh! miserable wretch that I am, I have given +myself to the devil for a few years' pleasure, and now I must +pay full dear. I have had my desires; my filthy lusts I +have satisfied, and I must be tormented for ever and ever."</p> + +<p>A neighbour of his, a very good old man, hearing of his +way of living, in compassion to his soul came to him, and +with tears in his eyes besought him to have more regard to +his most precious soul, laying before him the promise of +God's grace and mercy, freely offered to repenting sinners, +and spake so feelingly that Faustus shed tears, and promised +to him that he would try to repent. This good man +was no sooner gone away than Mephistopheles found him +pensive and on his bed. Now Mephistopheles mustering +what had happened, began to reproach him with breach of +covenant to his lord Lucifer, and thereupon almost twisted +his neck behind him, which made him cry out very lamentable; +in the meantime threatening to tear him to pieces +unless he renewed his obligation, which for fear, with much +sorrow he did, in a manner the same as the former, which +he confirmed by the latter.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[297]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIV.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Dr. Faustus was warned of the Spirit to prepare for +his End.</i></p> + + +<p>Faustus' full time being come, the spirit appeared to him, +and showed him his writing, and told him that the next +night the devil would fetch him away, which made the +doctor's heart to ache. But to divert himself, he sent for +some doctors and master bachelors of arts, and other students +to take dinner with him, for whom he provided great store +of varieties, with music and the like. But all would not +keep up his spirits, for the hour drew near; whereupon his +countenance changing, the doctors and masters of arts inquired +of him the reasons of his melancholiness? to which +Faustus answered, "My friends, you have known me these +many years, and how I have practised all manner of wickedness. +I have been a great conjurer, which devilish art I obtained +of the devil; and also to obtain power to do whatever +I pleased I sold myself to the devil for twenty-four +years' time, which full time being out this night, makes me +full of horror. I have called you, my friends, to see this my +dreadful end; and I pray let my miserable death be a warning +to you all how you study the devilish art of conjuring; +for if once you begin it, a thousand to one but it will lead +you to the devil, whither I am this night to go, whether I +will or not." They hearing of this sad story blamed him +for concealing it so long, telling him if he had made them +acquainted before that they thought it might have been prevented. +He told them he had a desire several times to have +disclosed this intrigue; but the devil told him that if he did +he would presently fetch him away. He also told them he +had a desire to join with the godly, and to leave off that +wicked course; but immediately the devil used to come and +torment him, etc. "But now," saith Faustus, "it is but in +vain for me to talk of what I did intend, for I have sold +myself to the devil; body and soul is his." No sooner had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[298]</a></span> +he spoken these words, but suddenly it fell a thundering +and lightning, the like was never heard; whereupon Faustus +went into the great hall, the doctors and masters staying in +the next room intending to hear his end. About twelve +o'clock the house shook so terribly that they thought it +would have been down upon them, and suddenly the house +windows were broken to pieces, so that they trembled and +wished themselves elsewhere, whereupon a great clap of +thunder, with a whirlwind the doors flew open, and a +mighty rushing of wind entered with the hissing of serpents, +shrieks and cries, upon which he lamentably cried out +"Murder," and there was such roaring in the hall as if all +the devils in hell had been there. When daylight appeared +they took the boldness to enter into the room, and found his +brains beaten out against the wall and the floor sprinkled +with blood; but missing his body, they went in search of it, +and found it on the dunghill mangled and mashed to pieces. +So ended this miserable wretch's life, forsaking God and all +goodness, and given up to his implacable enemy, which we +hope may stand not only as a fearful, but lasting monument +and warning to others.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[299]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<div class="center"><b>THE WHOLE</b></div> + +<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>LIFE AND DEATH</b></span></div> + +<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF</b></span></div> + +<h1>LONG MEG</h1> + +<div class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF</b></span></div> + +<div class="center"><span class="lg"><b>WESTMINSTER.</b></span></div> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Where Meg was Born, her coming up to London, and +her Usage to the Honest Carrier.</i></p> + + +<p>In the reign of Henry VIII. was born in Lancashire a maid +called Long Meg. At eighteen years old she came to London +to get her a service—Father Willis, the carrier, being the +waggoner—and her neighbour brought her up with some +other lasses. After a tedious journey, being in sight of the +desired city, she demanded why they looked sad. "We +have no money," said one, "to pay our fare." So Meg +replies, "If that be all, I shall answer your demands," and +this put them in some comfort. But as soon as they came to +St. John's Street, Willis demanded their money. "Say what +you will have," quoth she. "Ten shillings a piece," said he. +"But we have not so much about us," said she. "Nay, +then, I will have it out of your bones." "Marry, content," +replied Meg, and, taking a staff in her hand, so belaboured +him and his man that he desired her for God's sake to hold +her hand. "Not I," said she, "unless you bestow an angel +on us for good luck, and swear e'er we depart to get us good +addresses."</p> + +<p>The carrier, having felt the strength of her arm, thought it +best to give her the money and promised not to go till he had +got them good places.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[300]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Of her being placed in Westminster, and what she did at +her Place.</i></p> + + +<p>The carrier, having set up his horses, went with the lasses to +the Eagle in Westminster, and told the landlady he had +brought her three fine Lancashire lasses; and seeing she +often asked him to get her a maid, she might now take her +choice. "Marry," said she, "I want one at present, and here +are three gentlemen who shall give their opinions." As soon +as Meg came in they blessed themselves, crying,</p> + +<blockquote><p>"Domine, Domine, viee Originem."</p></blockquote> + +<p>So her mistress demanded what was her name. "Margaret, +forsooth," said she briskly. "And what work can you do?" +She answered she had not been bred unto her needle, but to +hard labour, as washing, brewing, and baking, and could +make a house clean. "Thou art," quoth the hostess, "a +lusty wench, and I like thee well, for I have often persons +that will not pay." "Mistress," said she, "if any such come +let me know, and I'll make them pay I'll engage." "Nay, +this is true," said the carrier, "for my carcase felt it;" and +then he told them how she served him. On this Sir John +de Castile, in a bravado, would needs make an experiment +of her vast strength; and asked her "if she durst exchange +a box o' the ear with him." "Yes," quoth she, "if my mistress +will give me leave." This granted, she stood to receive +Sir John's blow, who gave her a box with all his might, but +it stirred her not at all; but Meg gave him such a memorandum +on his ear that Sir John fell down at her feet. "By my +faith," said another, "she strikes a blow like an ox, for she +hath knocked down an ass." So Meg was taken into service.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>The method Meg took to make one of the Vicars pay his +Score.</i></p> + + +<p>Meg so bestirred herself that she pleased her mistress, and +for her tallness was called Long Meg of Westminster.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[301]</a></span></p> + +<p>One of the lubbers of the Abbey had a mind to try her +strength, so, coming with six of his associates one frosty +morning, calls for a pot of ale, which, being drank, he asked +what he owed. To which Meg answers, "Five shillings and +threepence."</p> + +<p>"O thou foul scullion, I owe thee but three shillings and +one penny, and no more will I pay thee." And, turning to +his landlady, complained how Meg had charged him too +much. "The foul ill take me," quoth Meg, "if I misreckon +him one penny, and therefore, vicar, before thou goest out +of these doors I shall make thee pay every penny;" and +then she immediately lent him such a box on the ears as +made him reel again. The vicar then steps up to her, and +together both of them went by the ears. The vicar's head +was broke, and Meg's clothes torn off her back. So the +vicar laid hold of her hair, but, he being shaved, she could +not have that advantage; so, laying hold of his ears and +keeping his pate to the post, asked him how much he owed +her. "As much as you please," said he. "So you knave," +quoth she, "I must knock out of your bald pate my reckoning." +And with that she began to beat a plain song between +the post and his pate. But when he felt such pain he roared +out he would pay the whole. But she would not let him +go until he laid it down, which he did, being jeered by his +friends.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Of her fighting and conquering Sir James of Castile, a +Spanish Knight.</i></p> + + +<p>All this time Sir James continued his suit to Meg's mistress, +but to no purpose. So, coming in one day and seeing her +melancholy, asked what ailed her, for if anyone has wronged +you I will requite you. "Marry," quoth she, "a base knave +in a white satin doublet has abused me, and if you revenge +my quarrel I shall think you love me." "Where is he?"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[302]</a></span> +quoth Sir James. "Marry," said she, "he said he would be +in St. George's Fields." "Well," quoth he, "do you and the +doctor go along with me, and you shall see how I'll pummel +the knave."</p> + +<p>Unto this they agreed, and sent Meg into St. George's +Fields beforehand. "Yonder," said she, "walks the fellow +by the windmill." "Follow me, hostess," said Sir James; +"I will go to him." But Meg passed as if she would have +gone by. "Nay, stay," said Sir James; "you and I part not +so. I am this gentlewoman's champion, and fairly for her +sake will have you by the ears." With that Meg drew her +sword, and to it they went.</p> + +<p>At the first blow she hit him on the head, and often +endangered him. At last she struck his weapon out of his +hands, and, stepping up to him, swore all the world should +not save him. "O save me, sir," said he; "I am a knight, +and it is but a woman's matter; do not spill my blood." +"Wert thou twenty knights," said Meg, "and was the king +here himself, I would not spare thy life unless you grant me +one thing." "Let it be what it will, you shall be obeyed." +"Marry," said she, "that this night you wait on my +plate at this woman's house and confess me to be your +master."</p> + +<p>This being yielded to and a supper provided, Thomas +Usher and others were invited to make up the feast, and unto +whom Sir James told what had happened. "Pho!" said +Usher jeeringly, "it is no such great dishonour for to be +foiled by an English gentleman since Cæsar the Great was +himself driven back by their extraordinary courage." At +this juncture Meg came in, having got on her man's attire. +"Then," said Sir James, "this is that valiant gentleman +whose courage I shall ever esteem." Hereupon, she pulling +off her hat, her hair fell about her ears, and she said "I am +no other than Long Meg of Westminster, and so you are +heartily welcome."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[303]</a></span></p> + +<p>At this they all fell a-laughing. Nevertheless, at supper +time, according to agreement, Sir James was a proper page; +and she, having leave of her mistress, sat in state like her +majesty. Thus Sir James was disgraced for his love, and +Meg was counted a proper woman.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Her Usage to the Bailiff of Westminster, who came into +her Mistress's and arrested her Friend.</i></p> + + +<p>A bailiff, having for the purpose took forty shillings, +arrested a gentleman in Meg's mistress's house, and desired +the company to keep peace. She, coming in, asked what +was the matter. "O," said he, "I'm arrested." "Arrested! +and in our house? Why this unkind act to arrest one in +our house; but, however, take an angel and let him go." +"No," said the bailiff, "I cannot, for the creditor is at the +door." "Bid him come in," said she, "and I'll make up the +matter." So the creditor came in; but, being found obstinate, +she rapped him on the head with a quart pot and bid +him go out of doors like a knave. "He can but go to +prison," quoth she, "where he shall not stay long if all the +friends I have can fetch him out."</p> + +<p>The creditor went away with a good knock, and the bailiff +was going with his prisoner. "Nay," said she, "I'll bring a +fresh pot to drink with him." She came into the parlour +with a rope, and, knitting her brows, "Sir Knave," said she, +"I'll learn thee to arrest a man in our house. I'll make thee +a spectacle for all catchpoles;" and, tossing the rope round +his middle, said to the gentleman, "Sir, away, shift for yourself; +I'll pay the bailiff his fees before he and I part." +Then she dragged the bailiff unto the back side of the house, +making him go up to his chin in a pond, and then paid him +his fees with a cudgel, after which he went away with the +amends in his hands, for she was so well beloved that no +person would meddle with her.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[304]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Of her meeting with a Nobleman, and her Usage to +him and to the Watch.</i></p> + + +<p>Now it happened she once put on a suit of man's apparel. +The same night it fell out that a young nobleman, being disposed +for mirth, would go abroad to see the fashions, and, +coming down the Strand, espies her; and, seeing such a tall +fellow, asked him whither he was going. "Marry," said +she, "to St. Nicholas's to buy a calve's head." "How much +money hast thou?" "In faith," said she, "little enough; +will you lend me any?" "Aye," said he; and, putting his +thumb into her mouth, said, "There's a tester." She gave +him a good box on the ear, and said, "There's a groat; now +I owe you twopence." Whereupon the nobleman drew, and +his man too; and she was as active as they, so together +they go. But she drove them before her into a little +chandler's shop, insomuch that the constable came in to part +the fray, and, having asked what they were, the nobleman +told his name, at which they all pulled off their caps. +"And what is your name?" said the constable. "Mine," +said she, "is Cuthbert Curry Knave." Upon this the constable +commanded some to lay hold on her and carry her to +the compter. She out with her sword and set upon the +watch, and behaved very resolutely; but the constable calling +for clubs, Meg was forced to cry out, "Masters, hold +your hands, I am your friend; hurt not Long Meg of Westminster." +So they all stayed their hands, and the nobleman +took them all to the tavern; and thus ended the fray.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Meg goes a shroving, fights the Thieves of St. James's +Corner, and makes them restore Father Willis, +the Carrier, his hundred marks.</i></p> + + +<p>Not only the cities of London and Westminster, but Lancashire +also, rung of Meg's fame, so they desired old Willis, the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[305]</a></span> +carrier, to call upon her, which he did, taking with him the +other lasses. Meg was joyful to see them, and it being +Shrove Tuesday, Meg went with them to Knightsbridge, and +spent most of the day with repeating tales of their friends +in Lancashire; and so tarried the carrier, who again and +again inquired how all did there, and made the time seem +shorter than it was. The night growing on, the carrier and +the two other lasses were importunate to be gone, but Meg +was loath to set out, and so stayed behind to discharge the +reckoning, and promised to overtake them.</p> + +<p>It was their misfortune at St. James's Corner to meet +with two thieves who were waiting there for them, and took +a hundred marks from Willis, the carrier, and from the +two wenches their gowns and purses. Meg came up immediately +after, and then the thieves, seeing her also in a female +habit, thought to take her purse also; but she behaved herself +so well that they began to give ground. Then said +Meg, "Our gowns and purses against your hundred marks; +win all and wear all." "Content," quoth they. "Now, +lasses, pray for me," said Meg. With that she buckled with +these two knaves, beat one and so hurt the other that they +entreated her to spare their lives. "I will," said she, "upon +conditions." "Upon any condition," said they. "Then," +said she, "it shall be thus—</p> + +<p> +1. That you never hurt a woman nor any company she<br /> +is in.<br /> +2. That you never hurt lame or impotent men.<br /> +3. That you never hurt any children or innocents.<br /> +4. That you rob no carrier of his money.<br /> +5. That you rob no manner of poor or distressed.<br /> +</p> + +<p>"Are you content with these conditions?" "We are," said +they. "I have no book about me," said she, "but will you +swear on my smock tail?" which they accordingly did, and +then she returned the wenches their gowns and purses, and +old Father Willis, the carrier, a hundred marks.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[306]</a></span></p> + +<p>The men desiring to know who it was had so lustily +beswinged them, said—"To alleviate our sorrow, pray tell +us your name." She smiling replied—"If anyone asks you +who banged your bones, say Long Meg of Westminster once +met with you."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Meg's Fellow Servant pressed; her Usage of the Constable; +and of her taking Press Money to go to Boulogne.</i></p> + + +<p>In those days were wars between England and France, and +a hot press about London. The constables of Westminster +pressed Meg's fellow servant, and she told them if they took +him her mistress was undone.</p> + +<p>All this could not persuade the constable, but Harry must +go, on which she lent the constable a knock. Notice being +given to the captain, he asked who struck him. "Marry," +quoth Meg, "I did, and if I did not love soldiers I'd serve +you so too." So, taking a cavalier from a man's hand, she +performed the exercise with such dexterity that they +wondered, whereupon she said—"Press no man, but give +me press money and I will go myself." At this they all +laughed, and the captain gave her an angel, whereupon she +went with him to Boulogne.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Of her Beating the Frenchman off the Walls of Boulogne, for +which gallant behaviour she is rewarded by the King +with Eightpence per Day for Life.</i></p> + + +<p>King Henry, passing the seas, took Boulogne. Hereupon +the Dauphin with a great number of men surprised and retook +it. Meg, being a laundress in the town, raised the best +of the women; and, with a halberd in her hand, came to the +walls, on which some of the French had entered, and threw +scalding water and stones at them that she often obliged +them to quit the town before the soldiers were up in arms.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[307]</a></span> +And at the sally she came out the foremost with her halberd +in her hand to pursue the chase.</p> + +<p>The report of this deed being come to the ears of the king, +he allowed her for life eightpence a day.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2> + +<p><i>Of her fighting and beating a Frenchman before Boulogne.</i></p> + + +<p>During this she observed one who in a bravado tossed his +pike. She, seeing his pride, desired a drum to signify that +a young soldier would have a push at pike with him. It +was agreed on, and the place appointed life against life.</p> + +<p>On the day the Frenchman came, and Meg met him, and +without any salute fell to blows; and, after a long combat, +she overcame him, and cut off his head. Then, pulling off +her hat, her hair fell about her ears.</p> + +<p>By this the Frenchman knew it was a woman, and the +English giving a shout, she, by a drummer, sent the Dauphin +his soldier's head, and said, "An English woman sent it."</p> + +<p>The Dauphin much commended her, sending her a +hundred crowns for her valour.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XI.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Of her coming to England and being Married.</i></p> + + +<p>The wars in France being over, Meg came to Westminster +and married a soldier, who, hearing of her exploits, took her +into a room, and, making her strip to her petticoat, took one +staff and gave her another, saying, "As he had heard of her +manhood, he was determined to try her." But Meg held +down her head, whereupon he gave her three or four blows, +and she in submission fell down upon her knees desiring him +to pardon her. "For," said she, "whatever I do to others, +it behoves me to be obedient to you; and it shall never be +said, if I cudgel a knave that injures me, Long Meg is her +husband's master; and therefore use me as you please." So +they grew friends, and never quarrelled after.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[308]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Long Meg's Usage to an angry Miller.</i></p> + + +<p>Meg going one day with her neighbours to make merry, a +miller near Epping looking out, the boy they had with them, +about fourteen years old, said—"Put out, miller, put out." +"What must I put out?" said he. "A thief's head and +ears," said the other.</p> + +<p>At this the miller came down and well licked him, which +Meg endeavoured to prevent, whereupon he beat her. But +she wrung the stick from him, and then cudgelled him +severely; and having done, sent the boy to the mill for an +empty sack, and put the miller in all but his head; and +then, fastening him to a rope, she hauled him up half way, +and there left him hanging. The poor miller cried out for +help, and if his wife had not come he had surely been killed, +and the mill, for want of corn, set on fire.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIII.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Of her keeping House at Islington, and her Laws.</i></p> + + +<p>After marriage she kept a house at Islington. The constable +coming one night, he would needs search Meg's house, +whereupon she came down in her shift with a cudgel, and +said—"Mr. Constable, take care you go not beyond your +commission, for if you do I'll so cudgel you as you never was +since Islington has been." The constable, seeing her frown, +told her he would take her word, and so departed.</p> + +<p>Meg, because in her house there should be a good decorum, +hung up a table containing these principles:—</p> + +<p>First. If a gentleman or yeoman had a charge about him, +and told her of it, she would repay him if he lost it; but if +he did not reveal it, and said he was robbed, he should have +ten bastinadoes, and afterwards be turned out of doors.</p> + +<p>Secondly. Whoever called for meat and had no money to +pay should have a box on the ear and a cross on the back +that he might be marked and trusted no more.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[309]</a></span></p> + +<p>Thirdly. If any good fellow came in and said he wanted +money, he should have his belly full of meat and two pots of +drink.</p> + +<p>Fourthly. If any raffler came in and made a quarrel, and +would not pay his reckoning, to turn into the fields and take +a bout or two with Meg, the maids of the house should dry +beat him, and so thrust him out of doors.</p> + +<p>These and many such principles she established in her +house, which kept it still and quiet.</p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>THE</b></span></p> + +<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>FAMOUS HISTORY</b></span></p> +<p class="center"><span class="sm"><b>OF THE LEARNED</b></span></p> +<h1>FRIAR BACON</h1> +<p class="center"><span class="lg"><b>GIVING</b></span></p> + +<p class="center">A Particular Account of his Birth, Parentage, +with the many Wonderful Things he did in his Lifetime, +to the amazement of all the World.</p> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>Friar Bacon's Birth and Parentage, and by what means +he came to be so great a Scholar. How the King sent +for him from Oxford, and in what wonderful manner he +pleased the King's Five Senses; also the Comical +Pranks he played with a Courtier sent to fetch him.</i></p> + + +<p>The famous Friar Bacon, whose name has spread through +the world, was born in Lancashire; his father's name was +Ralph Bacon, and his name Roger. From his infancy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[310]</a></span> +he was observed to have a profound, pregnant wit; as he +grew up, a great reader of books and desirous of learning, +which to admiration he took so fast that his schoolmaster +could teach him no further, and being about to send him +home, with commendations, to his father, he, fearing the +worst, humbly besought him to prevail, if possible, with his +father that he might be sent to the University, where +he had a desire to go and learn the liberal sciences.</p> + +<p>His schoolmaster denied him not his request, but went +home with him, and, taking the old man aside, told him he +had learned his son as far as he was able, that he took it in +extremely well, and was willing to improve it at the +University, and that he was verily persuaded, by the +promptness he perceived in him, if he would be at a little +charge with him there, he would be so great a proficient as +would advance him to an eminent station.</p> + +<p>The old man heard this with some indignation, but concealed +his anger till the schoolmaster was gone, and then, +taking his son to task, said, "How now, sirrah! have not I +been at cost enough already, but are you itching to put me +to more? Methinks I have given you such learning as to +enable you, in time, to be a constable or churchwarden of +the parish, and far outdo those in the office that can neither +read nor write; let that suffice. As for the rest of your +business for the future, it is to learn horse language and +whistle well, that you may be dexterous at driving the +plough and cart and managing the sheep and oxen; for, +sirrah," continued he, "have I anybody else to leave my +farm to but you, and yet you take upon you, forsooth, to be +a scholard, and consequently a gentleman; for they all +profess themselves so, though never so beggarly, living +lazily, and eating up the fat of other men's labours, marry +gaup! Goodman Twoshoes, your great-grandfather, your +grandfather, and I, have thought it no scorn to dig and +delve; and pray what better are you than us? Here,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[311]</a></span> +sirrah, take this whip and go with me to plough, or I'll so +lace your fine scholarship that you had better this had +never been mentioned to me."</p> + +<p>Young Bacon was much displeased and highly grieved, +but durst not reply, knowing his father to be a very hasty, +choleric old man; however, this sort of living so little +agreed with his sprightly genius that in a short time he +gave him the slip, and going to a monastery, making his +desires known to the superior, he kindly entertained him, +and made him a brother of the Augustin Friars. There he +profited so much that in a few years he was sent to Oxford +to study at their charge, where he soon grew such a proficient +that his fame soon spread, not only in the University, +but also over all England, and came to the ears of King +Edward the Third, who then reigned; and he, taking a +progress with his queen and nobles, was desirous to see +him, and have an experiment of his art; so that, being at a +nobleman's house within four miles of the city of Oxford, +he sent a gentleman of his bedchamber to desire him to +come to him. The knight delayed not the message, and, +finding him at his study, did his errand. The friar told +him he would be with his majesty, and bid him make haste +or he should be there before him. At this he smiled, being +well mounted, saying scholars and travellers might lie by +authority. "Well," said Friar Bacon, "to convince you, I +will not only be there before you, ride as fast as you can, +but I will there show you the cook-maid you lay with last, +though she is now busy dressing the dinner at Sir William +Belton's, a hundred miles distance from this place." +"Well," said the gentleman of the bedchamber, "I doubt +not but one will be as true as the other;" so, mounting, +rode laughing away, and thinking to be at the king's +quarters in a short space, he spurred his horse valiantly; +but suddenly a mist arose, that he knew not which way to +go, and, missing the way, he turned down a bye-lane and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[312]</a></span> +rode over hedge and ditch, backwards and forwards, till the +charm was dissolved.</p> + +<p>When the friar came into the king's presence he did him +obeisance, and was kindly welcomed by him. Then said +the king, "Worthy Bacon, having heard much of your +fame, the cause of my sending for you was to be a spectator +of some fine curiosities in your art." The friar excused +at first; but the king pressing it, promised on his royal +word no harm should come to him, he bid all keep silence, +and, waving his magic wand, there presently to their great +amazement, ensued the most melodious music they had ever +heard, which continued very ravishing for nearly half +an hour. Then, waving his wand, another kind of music +was heard, and presently dancers in antic shapes at a +masquerade entered the room, and having danced incomparably +well, they vanished. Waving his wand the third +time, louder music was heard, and whilst that played, a +table was placed by an invisible hand, richly spread with +all the dainties that could be thought of. Then he desired +the king and queen to draw their seats near, and partake of +the repast he had prepared for their highnesses: which, +after they had done, all vanished. He waved the fourth +time, and thereupon the place was perfumed with all the +sweets of Arabia, or that the whole world could produce. +Then waving the fifth time, there came in Russians, +Persians, and Polanders, dressed in the finest soft fur, silks, +and downs of rare fowls, that are to be found in the +universe, which he bid them feel, and then the strangers, +having danced after their own country fashion, vanished.</p> + +<p>In this sort Friar Bacon pleased their five senses, to their +admiration and high satisfaction; so that the king offered +him money, but he refused it, saying he could not take it. +However, the king pressed on him a jewel of great value, +commanding him to wear it as a mark of his favour. +Whilst this was doing, the gentleman of the bedchamber<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[313]</a></span> +came in, puffing and blowing, all bemired and dirty, and +his face and hands scratched with the bushes and briars. +The king, at this sight, demanded why he stayed so long, +and how he came in that condition? "Oh, plague," said +he, "take Friar Bacon and all his devils! they have led me +a fine dance, to the endangering of my neck. But is the +dog here? I'll be revenged on him!" Then he laid his +hand on his sword, but Bacon, waving his wand, charmed +it in his scabbard, so he could not draw it out, saying, "I +fear not your anger; 'tis best for you to be quiet, lest a +worse thing befall you." Then he told the king how he +gave him the lie, when he told him he would be there +before him.</p> + +<p>Whilst he was thus speaking, in came the cook-maid, +brought by a spirit, at the window, with a spit and a +roasted shoulder of mutton on it, being thus surprised +as she was taking it from the fire; and wishfully staring +about her, and espying the gentleman, she cried, "O my +sweet knight, are you here? Pray, sir, remember you promised +to provide linen and other necessaries for me. Our secret +sins have grown, and I've two months to reckon," and +hereupon she ran towards him to embrace him; but he +turning aside, she was carried out at another window to +her master's house again.</p> + +<p>This was the cause of both amazement and laughter, +though the gentleman was much ashamed and confounded +to be thus exposed, still muttering revenge; but Friar +Bacon told him his best way was to put up all, since he +had verified all his promises, and bid him have a care how +he gave a scholar the lie again.</p> + +<p>The king and queen, well pleased with the entertainment, +highly commending his art, and promising him +their favour and protection, took their leave of the friar, +returning to London, and he to his study at Brazen Nose +College.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[314]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Friar Bacon put a Comical Trick upon his man Miles, +who, pretending Abstinence on a Fast Day, concealed +Victuals in his Pocket to eat in a Corner.</i></p> + + +<p>Friar Bacon kept a man to wait on him who, though but +a simple fellow, yet a merry droll and full of waggeries. +His name was Miles, and though his master and those +of the order often fasted on set days, Miles loved his guts +too well to pinch them, and though outwardly he seemed to +fast for compliance, he always kept a private reserve to eat +in a corner, which Bacon knew by art, and resolved to put +a trick upon him. It so happened on Good Friday, in Lent, +a strict fast was held, and Miles seemed very devout; for +when his master bid him, however, take a bit of bread and +a sip of wine early in the morning to keep him from +fainting, he refused it, saying he was a great sinner, and +therefore ought to do more than this for his mortification, and +to gain absolution, making a great many pretences of sanctity, +and how well he was inclined to keep the holy fast. "'Tis +well," said the friar, "if I catch you not tripping." Hereupon +Miles went to his cell, pretending to pray, but indeed +to eat a fine pudding he had concealed: which he had no +sooner put into his mouth at one end, but it stuck there; +he could neither eat it nor get it out. The use of his hands +failed, and he was taken with a shivering all over, so that, +thinking he should have died presently, he cried piteously +out for help; whereupon Friar Bacon, calling the scholars +together, went in to see what was the matter, and perceiving +him in that plight said, smiling, "Now I see what +a penitent servant I have, who was so conscientious he +would not touch a bit of bread, but would willingly have +devoured two pounds of pudding to have broke his fast." +He piteously entreated him to dissolve the charm and +deliver him, and he would never do so again. "Nay," said +the friar, "you shall do penance for this;" so, taking hold<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[315]</a></span> +of the end of the pudding, he led him out to the scholars, +saying, "See, here's a queasy-stomached fellow, that would +not touch a bit of bread to-day!" When they saw him in +this plight, they all fell heartily a-laughing; but Friar +Bacon, not so contented, led him to the college gate, and by +enchantment fixing the end of the pudding to the bar, he +was made so fast to it as if it had been by a cable rope, and +on his back were placed these lines:—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">"This is Friar Bacon's man, who vow'd to fast,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> But, dissembling, thus it took at last;<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> The pudding more religion had than he;<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Though he would eat it, it will not down, you see.<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Then of hypocrisy pray all beware,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Lest like disgrace be each dissembler's share.<br /><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Miles all the while was jeered and sported with by all the +scholars and town's people, but, after four hour's penance, +his master dissolved the charm, and released him, and he +ever after kept the fasts, not so much out of religion as +for fear that a worse trick should be put upon him.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Friar Bacon saved a Gentleman who had sold +himself to the Devil for Money, and put a Trick +upon the Old Deceiver of Mankind.</i></p> + + +<p>When Friar Bacon flourished at Oxford, a young gentleman, +by his prodigality, having run out his estate and involved +himself in debt, grew exceeding pensive and melancholy, +purposing to make himself away, in order to put an end to his +miseries and the scorns that were put daily upon him by his +former companions, being also utterly cast off by his friends; +so, walking by a wood side, full of sorrow, he met, as he +thought, an old man in good clothing, who saluted him and +demanded the cause of his melancholy, and why he walked +so solitary. At first he refused to tell him, as thinking he +could do him no good; but the other urging it, promised<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[316]</a></span> +to assist him if he wanted anything. He said, "I am in +want. I want fine clothes, as I used to have; I want +money to buy food, pay debts, redeem my mortgaged land, +and many things more. Can you help me to enough to +do it?" "I can," said the old man, "on one condition." +"What's that?" said the gentleman. "If it be anything +tolerable I shall not refuse it, for I cannot be well worse or +in greater hardship than I am now." "Why," said the +other, "the matter is not so much; you shall only oblige +yourself when I have furnished you with money to do all +you have named and you have paid every one you owe +a farthing to, to become obedient to me, and be disposed of +at my pleasure." Now the young man, taking him for +a usurer, and very rich, supposed this obligation was only a +fetch to marry his daughter or some kinswoman of his, +which he could be well contented to do, not doubting to +have a good portion, and therefore scrupled not to do as he +desired. Upon this he bid him meet him the next morning, +about the same time, when he would have the writing +ready; and on signing he should have the money. So they +parted, and the gentleman delayed not coming, without +asking advice, and was as punctually met; but when he saw +the writing in blood he was startled a little, but the old man +told him it was only a whim of his own to have it so +written to distinguish it from other men's, and put his +debtors more in mind to repay the money he lent them. +Upon this speech, and the gentleman's seeing store of gold +and silver brought by three or four of whom he supposed +to be servants, he believed it. "But how," said he, "shall I +write with the same?" "Oh," said he, "let me see. I'll +prick your right vein," which he did, whilst the gentleman +found an unusual trembling and an inward remorse in his +mind. However, taking the bloody pen in his hand, he +desperately subscribed and sealed the writing. Then, +telling the money into a cloak bag, he laid it on his horse,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[317]</a></span> +and they, with much ceremony, took leave of each other. +The gentleman laughed in his sleeve to think how he would +find him out, seeing he had not asked, nor himself told him, +where he lived.</p> + +<p>Soon after he summoned all his creditors, paid them to a +farthing, redeemed his land, went gallant, and recovered +his esteem in the world; but one evening as he was looking +over his writings in his closet, he heard somebody rap at +the door, when, opening it, he saw the party he had +borrowed the money of, with the writing in his hand, who +told him he was now come to demand him, and he must +now go along with him; for to his knowledge he had paid +his debts, and done whatever was agreed to. The gentleman, +wondering how he should know this so soon, denied +it. "Nay," replied he, fiercely, "deny it not, for I'll not be +cheated of my bargain," and thereupon changed into a +horrible shape, struck him almost dead with fear, for now +he perceived it was the devil. Then he told him if he did +not meet on the morrow, in the same place he had lent him +the money, he would come the next day and tear him +to pieces. "And," says he, "if I prove not what I say, you +shall be quiet"; and so vanished out of the window in a +flash of flame, with horrible bellowings. The gentleman, +seeing himself in this case, began to weep bitterly, and +wished he had been contented in his sad condition, rather +than have taken such a desperate way to enrich himself, +and was almost at his wits' end.</p> + +<p>Friar Bacon, knowing by his art what had passed, came to +comfort him, and having heard the whole story, bid him +not despair, but pray and repent of his sins, and he would +contrive to show the devil a trick that should release him +from his obligation. This greatly comforted the gentleman, +and he promised to do whatever the friar should order him. +"Then," says he, "meet at the time appointed, and I +will be near. Offer to put the decision of the controversy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[318]</a></span> +to the next that comes by, and that shall be myself, and +I will find a way infallibly to give it on your side." Accordingly +he met, and the devil consented to put it to arbitration. +Then Friar Bacon appearing, "Lo," said the gentleman, +"here's a proper judge. This learned friar shall determine +it, and if it goes against me, you have free liberty to do +with me as you please." "Content," said the devil. Then +each of them told their story, and the writing was produced, +with all the acquittances he had taken; for the devil, contrary +to his knowledge, had stolen them and the other +writings belonging to his estate out of his closet. The +friar, weighing well the matter, asked the gentleman +whether he had paid the devil any of the money he +borrowed of him. "No," replied he, "not one farthing." +"Why then," said he, "Mr. Devil, his debts are not discharged; +you are his principal creditor, and, according to +this writing, can lay no claim to him till every one of his +debts are discharged." "How! how!" replied the devil, +"am I outwitted then? O friar, thou art a crafty knave!" +and thereupon vanished in a flame, raising a mighty +tempest of thunder, lightning, and rain; so that they were +wet through before they could get shelter. Then Bacon +charged him he should never pay the devil a farthing of his +debt, whatever shape he came in, or artifice he used to +wheedle him out of it, and then he could have no power +over him. The gentleman on this, living a temperate frugal +life, grew very rich, and leaving no children at his death, +bequeathed his estate to Brazen Nose College, because Friar +Bacon, a member of it, had delivered him from so great a +danger of body and soul.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[319]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<p class="center"><i>How Friar Bacon framed a Brazen Head which, by +Enchantment, was to Speak; by that means +all England had been walled with Brass, if the Folly +of his man Miles, who was set to watch the Head, +had not disappointed it, not timely calling +his Master to answer it, for which he +was struck Dumb many Days.</i></p> + + +<p>Friar Bacon, being now a profound proficient in the art +of magic and many other sciences, contrived, with one Friar +Bungey, who was his pupil, to do something memorable +for the good of his country, and many things they cast in +their minds. At last they remembered that England had +often been harassed and invaded by the Romans, Saxons, +Danes, Normans, and other nations at sundry times, to the +great effusion of blood, and often alteration of the constitution +of governments; and if anything might be contrived +to prevent the like for the future, they should thereby raise +a lasting monument to their names.</p> + +<p>Bacon, upon this, concluded to frame a head of brass, and +if, by their art, they could cause it to speak, and answer +their demands, they required that all the sea-girt shores of +England and Wales should be walled with brass, and brazen +towers be raised on the frontiers of Scotland, to hinder the +incursions and rovings of the hardy Scots.</p> + +<p>They laboured to do this by art, but could not; so they +conjured up a spirit, to inquire of the infernal council +whether it might be done or not. The spirit, however, was +unwilling to answer, till Friar Bacon threatened with his +charms to bind him in chains in the Red Sea or to a burning +rock, and make him the sport of wrecking whirlwinds.</p> + +<p>Terrified by this means, he said of himself he could give +no answer, but must inquire of his lord, Lucifer. They +granted him two days for an answer. Accordingly he +returned this:—"If they for two months would carefully<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[320]</a></span> +watch the head, it should in that time speak, but the certain +time should not be known to them, and then, if they did +hear it, they should be answered."</p> + +<p>At this they much rejoiced, and watched by turns very +carefully for six weeks, and no voice was uttered. At +length, tired out, and broken for want of their natural rest, +they concluded some other might watch as well as they, +till they refreshed themselves in repose, and call them when +the head began to speak, which would be time enough; and +because this was a secret they did not care for having it +known till they saw what they should make of it. Bacon +thereupon proposed his man Miles, and Bungey approved +of it; so they called Miles, told him the nature of the +brazen head and what was intended, by giving him a strict +charge on his life, to awake them as soon as ever he heard +it speak.</p> + +<p>"For that, master," said he, "let me alone. I warrant you +I'll do your business effectually, never fear it." So he got him +a long sword by his side, and a tabor and pipe to play, and +keep him awake if any drowsiness or the like should overtake +him.</p> + +<p>The charge being given, and he thus accoutred, the two +friars went to rest in the next apartment. Miles then +began to pipe and sing songs of his sweethearts and +frolics:—</p> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">"Bessy, that is so frolic and gay,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Like a cat she loves with her tail to play;<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Though sometimes she'll pant and frown,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> All's well when her anger goes down.<br /><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">"She'll never say nay, but sport and play;<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> O, Bessy to me is the queen of the May;<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> For Margery she is peevish and proud;<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Come, fiddlers, then, and scrape the crowd."<br /><br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p>Whilst his merriment passed, after a hoarse noise, like<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[321]</a></span> +thunder almost spent, the head spoke distinctly, "<span class="smcap">Time Is</span>." +"Oh ho!" says Miles, "is this all the news you can tell me? +Well, copper nose, has my master taken all this pains +about you, and you can speak no wiser? Dost thou think +I am such a fool to break his sweet slum for this? No, +speak wiser, or he shall sleep on. Time is, quotha! Why, +I know time is, and that thou shalt hear, goodman +kettle jaws.</p> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">"Time is for some to gain,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5"> Time is for some to lose;<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Time is for some to hand,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5"> But then they cannot choose.<br /><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4"> Time is to go a score,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5"> Time is when one should pay:<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Time is to reckon, too,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5"> But few care for that day.<br /><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4"> Time is to graft the born<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5"> Upon another's head;<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Time is to make maids' hearts swell,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5"> Oh, then 'tis time they're wed.<br /><br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p>"Hear'st thou this, goodman copper nose? We scholars +know when time is, without thy babbling. We know +when time is to drink good sack, eat well, kiss our hostesses, +and run on the score. But when time is to pay them is +indeed but seldom."</p> + +<p>While thus he merrily discoursed, about half an hour +after the same noise began as before, and the head +said, "TIME WAS." "Well," said Miles, "this blockish head +is the foolishest thing my wise master ever troubled himself +about. How would he have laughed, had he been here, to +hear it prat so simply! Therefore, thou brazen-faced ass, +speak wiser, or I shall never trouble my head to awake him. +Time was, quotha! thou ass thou! I know that, and so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[322]</a></span> +thou shalt hear, for I find my master has watched and +tutored thee to a fine purpose.</p> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">"Time was when thou, a kettle,<br /></span> +<span class="i5"> Was wont to hold good matter;<br /></span> +<span class="i4"> But Friar Bacon did thee spoil<br /></span> +<span class="i5"> When he thy sides did batter.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4"> Time was when conscience dwelt<br /></span> +<span class="i5"> With men of each vocation;<br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Time was when lawyers did not thrive<br /></span> +<span class="i5"> So well by men's vexations.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4"> Time was when charity<br /></span> +<span class="i5"> Was not denied a being;<br /></span> +<span class="i4"> Time was when office kept no knaves;<br /></span> +<span class="i5"> That time was worth the seeing.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p>"Ay, ay, and time was for many other things. But what +of that, goodman brazen face? I see my master has placed +me here on a very foolish account. I think I'd as good go to +sleep, too, as to stay watching here to no purpose." Whilst +he thus scoffed and taunted, the head spoke a third time, +and said, "<span class="smcap">Time is past!</span>" and so, with a horrid noise, fell +down and broke to pieces. Whereupon ensued lamentable +shrieks and cries, flashes of fire, and a rattling as of +thunder, which awaking the two friars, they came running +in, in great disorder found Miles rolling on the floor, in +a stinking pickle, almost dead with fear, and the head lying +shattered about the room in a thousand pieces. Then, +having brought him to his senses again, they demanded how +this came. "Nay, the devil knows better than I," said +Miles, "I believe he was in this plaguy head: for when it +fell, it gave a bounce like a cannon." "Wretch that thou +art!" said Bacon, "trifle not with my impatience. Didst +thou hear it speak, varlet! answer me that."</p> + +<p>"Why, truly," said Miles, "it did speak, but very simply,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[323]</a></span> +considering you have been so long a-tutoring it. I protest +I could have taught a jackdaw to have spoke better in two +days. It said, '<span class="smcap">Time is</span>.'" "Oh, villain!" says Bacon, +"had'st thou called me then, all England had been walled +with brass, to my immortal fame." "Then," continued +Miles, "about half an hour after, it said, '<span class="smcap">Time was</span>.'" +"O, wretch! how my anger burns against thee. Had you +but called me then, it might have done what I desired." +"Then," said he, "it said, '<span class="smcap">Time's past</span>'; and so fell down +with the horrid noise that waked you and made me, I am +sure, befoul my breeches; and since here's so much to do +about time, I think it's time for me to retire and clean +myself." "Well, villain," says Bacon, "thou has lost all our +cost and pains by thy foolish negligence." "Why," said +Miles, "I thought it would not have stopped when it once +began, but would have gone on and told me some pleasant +story, or have commanded me to have called you, and I +should have done it; but I see the devil is a cunning +sophister, and all hell would not allow him tinkers and +brass enough to do the work, and therefore has put this +trick upon us to get oft from his promise." "How, slave," +said the friar, "art thou at buffoonery, now thou hast done +me this great injury? Sirrah! because you think the head +spake not enough to induce you to call us, you shall speak +less in two months' space," and with that, by enchantment, +he struck him dumb to the end of that time, and would +have done worse had not Bungey had compassion on the +fellow's simplicity and persuaded him from it.</p> + +<p>And thus ends the history of that famous Friar Bacon, +who had done a deed which would have made his fame ring +through all ages yet to come, had it not been for the +simplicity of his man Miles.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[324]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h2>THE HISTORY</h2> + +<h5>OF</h5> + +<h1>THE BLIND BEGGAR</h1> + +<h2>OF BETHNAL GREEN,</h2> + +<h5>CONTAINING</h5> + +<blockquote><p style="margin-left:.1in;text-indent:-.3in">His Birth and Parentage; how he went to the Wars and +Lost his Sight, and turned Beggar at Bethnal Green; +how he got Riches, and educated his Daughter; of her +being Courted by a rich, young Knight; how the Blind +Beggar dropt Gold with the Knight's Uncle; of the +Knight and the Beggar's Daughter being Married; +and, lastly, how the famous Pedigree of the Beggar was +discovered, with other Things worthy of Note.</p></blockquote> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Monford went to the Wars of France, where he lost his +Sight; how he was accompanied with his Wife, who +preserved his Life, and of his Return to England, etc.</i></div> + + +<p>In former days, when the rose of England eclipsed the +lilies of France, and true English valour made that nation +stoop, among other brave gallants that went over to try +their fortune, Monford was one, a person well descended, +who, being naturally inclined to war and greedy of fame, +neither the entreaty of friends nor the marriage he had +contracted with a kind, beautiful woman, could alter his +purpose; but taking his wife Margaret with him, he, with +many hundreds more, crossed the seas, and with the help of +a prosperous wind, arriving at Calais, marched to the royal<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[325]</a></span> +standard, accompanied with his loving wife, who, in manlike +attire, became his inseparable companion, and was the +cause of saving his life; for many skirmishes happened +between the English and French, wherein young Monford +behaved himself with wondrous courage; and in one, +following too hot the pursuit, was, with divers others, +entrapped into ambush, late in the evening; and though he +manfully disputed it, making great slaughter of the enemy, +yet in spite of resistance he was beaten from his horse by a +forcible stroke, and left in the field for dead among the +dying men; where he had undoubtedly perished through +loss of blood, and the anguish of his wounds, had not his +tender-hearted love, upon hearing what had happened and +his not returning, hasted to the field, where, among the +slain, she by moonlight discovered him, stripped and +struggling for life, and by the help of a servant brought +him to a shepherd's cottage, where she carefully dressed his +wounds and administered such cordials as brought him to +himself, to her unspeakable joy; though this joy was something +abated when she found he had lost his sight, but true +love working in her heart, the alteration or disfigurement of +his countenance did not alter her affection; but comforting +him in the best manner she could, though his natural +courage would not admit of any dejection, she procured him +a homely suit of apparel, and brought him (unfit for service) +back to England, of whose entertainment and settlement at +Bethnal Green, in the county of Middlesex, and course of +life, you shall hear in the following chapter.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Monford arrived in England and of the Cold +Entertainment he found among his relations. +How he settled in Bethnal Green, where he continued to beg +for his Living.</i></div> + + +<p>Monford, having escaped a dreadful storm at sea, landed +with his wife on the coast of Essex, where he had some<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[326]</a></span> +considerable relations, to whom, in his necessity, they +applied themselves for succour; but they, who, after the +death of his parents, had wasted much of his patrimony, +or fearing he might be chargeable to them, would not know +him, and those that were convinced he was the same +Monford that went over to France gave him but cold entertainment; +insomuch that, scorning to rely upon their +charity, he told his wife that he intended, early in the +morning, to haste towards London, and that he would +rather trust to Providence than the ingratitude of those +who, in his prosperous days, had caressed him. His wife +declared she would labour at her spinning-wheel or do what +she was capable for a living. In two days travelling they +spent what little money they had saved, so necessity obliged +them to ask charity of the people as he passed through the +country towns and villages; who, understanding that he came +by his misfortune in fighting for the honour of his country, +gave liberally to him; and considering that the loss of his +sight had rendered him incapable of business, he resolved to +embrace what providence had cast in his way, which was +to live upon charity. Whereupon, arriving at Bethnal +Green, near London, he hired a small cottage for his wife +and himself, and daily appearing publicly to crave alms, +was from thence called "The Beggar of Bethnal Green," +and in a short time found it a thriving trade, insomuch +that his bed of straw was changed into down, and his +earthen platters and other utensils into a better sort of +decent furniture.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Monford happened to meet with Snap, an old, +experienced Beggar, who gave him an Insight +into the Mystery of the Canting Tribe; and how he +invited him to the Rendezvous.</i></div> + + +<p>Monford resolving in this kind of way to spend the +remainder of his days, being very well contented with his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[327]</a></span> +trade, having played it with great success in the place +where he lived, one day he was encountered by an old +proficient in the art of begging, who, seeing him very +diligent, did greatly covet his acquaintance, and to know +what gang he did belong to. He therefore accosts him in +their canting method, which is a sort of speech or rather a +gibberish peculiar to themselves. Monford, being ignorant, +could make him no direct answer, which the other, whose +name was Snap, perceiving, and thereby knowing him to be +a young beginner, invited him to their feasts or rendezvous +in Whitechapel, whither he having promised to come, and +they between them tripped off four black pots of rum, they +parted that time.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Monford went to the Beggars' Feast, and of his +Entertainment, and also the Presents they made.</i></div> + + +<p>Monford, upon his coming home, declared to his wife what +a merry companion he met with, and what discourse he +had, and likewise what he had promised, entreating her to +get things in readiness, that she might conduct him thither, +where appeared, instead of a ragged regiment of lame, blind, +and dumb, there was a rout of jovial dancers, as gay as the +spring, and as merry as the maids; which made them +imagine they were mistaken in the place or was imposed +upon, and therefore turned to go away, had not Snap +started from his chair, where he sat as supervisor, in all +his gallantry, and taking him by the hand, let him know +who it was introduced him into the assembly, where he +was received as brother of their society, every member +saluting him with a compliment, and, that he might not +want a guide for the future, Snap, in the name of the +society, presented him with a dog and a bell trained to the +business. So his wife and he, being splendidly entertained, +were dismissed, upon his promise that he would not be +absent at their yearly meeting.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[328]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>What Success he had in the Begging Trade. How his +Wife was brought to Bed of a Daughter, and +Christened by the Name of Elizabeth.</i></div> + + +<p>The blind beggar soon became master of his trade, and, by +the help of his dog, trudged often to London, and having +the perfect tone, had the luck to return with his pockets +well lined with chink. His way of begging became so +pleasing to him that he would often sing as follows—</p> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">A beggar lives a merry life,</span> +<span class="i5">And has both wealth and ease;</span> +<span class="i4">His days are free from care and strife,</span> +<span class="i5">He does whate'er he please.</span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">While others labour, sweat, and toil,</span> +<span class="i5">His tongue does get him pelf;</span> +<span class="i4">He travels with his dog and bell,</span> +<span class="i5">And brings home store of wealth.</span> +</div></div> + + +<p>He being by this time in a warm condition, to add +further to his joy, his loving wife fell in labour, and was +delivered of a daughter, whose birth made him think he +was the happiest man alive, and hundred times he kissed +her and dandled her in his arms, whom he christened by +the name of Elizabeth, and as she increased in years, so her +beauty and modesty caused her to be called "Pretty Betty." +Some began to dote upon her admirable perfections, and the +better to qualify her gave her such learning as was suitable +to her degree, which she improved; so that her beauty and +wit, her skill in singing, dancing, and playing on instruments +of music, procured her the envy of the young +maidens thereabouts, who supposed themselves much superior +in birth and fortune, would often reflect upon her birth, and +call her a beggar's brat. She bore all their ill language +without returning it, and endeavoured to win them to her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[329]</a></span> +by gentle persuasions; but not prevailing, and her patience +spent, she said, "I never injured any of you, but have strove +to do you all the good offices which I was capable of doing; +why, then, do you envy and abuse me? What if my +parents are in a mean station, yet they pay for my education +of dancing and singing which they bestow upon me, +and though, perhaps, I am not so well descended as some of +you, though you may be mistaken, yet Heaven might have +made your case the same had it thought fit." Yet, finding +that they did not cease to rail at her, and being by this +time about fifteen years of age, she prevailed with her +parents to grant her leave to seek her fortune.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How handsome Betty took Leave of her Parents, and +the Entertainment she met with.</i></div> + + +<p>Now the time of Betty's departure being come, her parents +furnished her with clothes and other necessaries, whereupon +she fell upon her knees and craved their blessing, which being +given, with many prayers for her prosperity, they took a +sad farewell.</p> + +<p>Pretty Betty, having now left her father's house, or +rather smoke-loft, went pensive along the road towards +Stradford, relying only on Providence to direct her. Having +walked all night, at sunrise she came to Rumford, in Essex +and being ready to faint, betook herself to an inn, and +called for something to refresh her. The mistress of the +house, taking notice of her garb, beautiful face, and modest +behaviour, though dejected, began to ask her from whence +she came, and whither she was bound. Betty replied, "I +am going to seek my fortune. I am very well educated by +my indulgent parents, who live near London; but I am +now obliged, contrary to my former expectation, to get my +livelihood in some honest way of working." The good +woman, being more and more taken with her carriage, +demanded if she would be content to stay with her till she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[330]</a></span> +could better provide to her advantage, and that she would +use her as a daughter rather than a servant. Betty thankfully +accepted the offer, and in the performance of whatever +she undertook discharged herself so well that she gained +the love and applause of all that observed her, insomuch +that her name for beauty and ingenuity began to spread, +and abundance of young men resorted to the house, which +created a great trade, on purpose to see her, who generally +took a liking to her; for nature had made her so lovely +and charming that she could not but be admired, insomuch +that many of them, as they found opportunity, began to +buzz love stories in her ears, to which she gave but little +heed, till four suitors of greater worth beat off these little +assailants, and laid close siege, as in the following chapter +will appear.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Pretty Betty, living at an Inn at Rumford, was +Courted by Persons of Fortune.</i></div> + + +<p>It being whispered about that pretty Betty must needs be +some great person's daughter, it highly increased her reputation. +At last the inn-keeper's son, a very rich London +merchant, courted her. But she modestly declined his +offers, as also the offers of all other suitors, by representing +to them the inequality of her fortune to theirs; but this +served only to increase their passions. And being every +day importuned, she at last resolved to discover who her +parents were, judging that way to be the most sure means +to try the sincerity of their love and affection which they +pretended to have for her.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Pretty Betty being Woo'd by her Master's Son, a +Merchant, a Gentleman, and a Knight; how, +upon her declaring her Parentage, was slighted by all but +the Knight; and of their Agreement.</i></div> + + +<p>Our beautiful virgin, being hardly pressed for love and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[331]</a></span> +enjoyment, found herself obliged to take a course that +might rid her of her lovers, or allot one of them to her +share; wherefore she told them she was not really at her +own disposal, her parents being alive; therefore, if they +loved her as they said, and seeing but one could enjoy her, +she was contented her father should choose one for her, of +whose choice she would approve.</p> + +<p>This set them almost at daggers drawing, who should get +thither first, but whither to go they knew not, therefore +desired to be informed, every one's heart being filled with +joy, not doubting to carry the prize; when thus she +began:—"My parents, worthy sirs, live on Bethnal Green. +My father is left with a dog and a bell, living upon the +charity of good people, and my mother a poor woman that +spins for bread. Thus I have declared to you my parents, +and though I might have the richest person in the world +for a husband, yet I would not marry him without their +consent, which I think myself bound in duty to obtain."</p> + +<p>Most of her suitors seemed thunderstruck at this plain +declaration, every one, except the knight, despising her +now as much as they seemed to love her before, each of +them swearing they would not undervalue themselves to +marry a beggar's child. But the knight was more inflamed +than ever, and having a large estate, did not regard interest +or a portion so much as he did the pleasing of his fancy +with a beautiful, modest, young, and virtuous maid, all of +which centred in Pretty Betty. Therefore, after he had +paused a while took the blushing virgin by the hand, and +said, "You see, fair creature, how they that pretended to +love you did it only in expectation of your being descended +from wealthy parents, and that they might get a large +portion. Though they have left you, if you will accept +of me for a husband, who truly love you on account +of your virtue and beauty, I will make you my wife and +settle on you a jointure." To this she replied, "Alas, sir, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[332]</a></span> +dare not hope for so much happiness, or, if I durst, yet +would not dispose of myself without my parents' consent; +though I must confess," says she, blushing, "I ever did +esteem you above all the gentlemen who did make love and +offer themselves to me." This modesty kindled his passion +more, and therefore, after many vows of constancy, it was +agreed that he should provide horses and servants, and conduct +her the next morning to Bethnal Green, to ask and +obtain her father's consent; yet this affair was not so +secretly managed but spies being abroad soon discovered it, +who not only discovered to the knight's uncle, who was +guardian and trustee for him, and had the sole care of his +estate, but to most of the young men in Rumford who were +her admirers, as the following chapter will inform you.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Pretty Betty rid behind the Knight to her Father's +House, and what happened on the Road; also +what happened between the Knight's Uncle and Betty's +Father.</i></div> + + +<p>Pretty Betty, having met the knight according to appointment, +did not scruple to ride behind him; but they had +scarce got out of town when his uncle came to the inn, but +not finding either of them there, was confirmed that what +had been told him was true, and therefore he followed +them to prevent the match, being accompanied with +several of Betty's lovers, who suspected the knight had +taken her away by force. Their hurry and confusion was +great, and the townsmen going a nearer way, overtook and +fell foul upon the knight and his servants, without giving +him leave to speak for himself or suffering his mistress to +excuse him, so that a sharp conflict ensued, till at length +divers persons that were travelling the road came and +parted them, whereby they came to a right understanding, +which made those that had misused him beg his pardon,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[333]</a></span> +which he granted, and, dismissing them, kept on his way +till, coming to the old man's door, they alighted; which +made him, upon hearing the noise of horses trampling, being +a thing very unusual, start from the fire, and put his head +out of the window, and not understanding the meaning of +it, ere the knight's uncle came puffing and blowing at a +strange rate crying, "Why, how now nephew? what's this +I hear of you? Are you mad to disgrace your family by +marrying a beggar's brat? For shame, for shame! consider +better than to make yourself a laughing stock to the world +by such an unseemly match." Then, turning about to +Pretty Betty, said, "Pray how came this about, you +baggage you? But, however, I say, nephew, leave her and +come along with me and I will provide a rich wife for you +suitable to your condition."</p> + +<p>To this the young knight would have replied, but the +blind beggar Monford, not being able to bear his taunts and +reproaches any longer, said, "I cannot see you at all, but +sir, whatever you are I hear you too much, and more than +becomes a civil gentleman; nor do I count my girl so mean +to suffer her to be railed on at my door; therefore, pray sir, +hold your prating, or I shall fell you with my staff. I have +seen the day when a taller fellow than you durst not put +me in a passion. If your kinsman does not think my child +a fit match for him, let him let her alone and welcome. I +am satisfied she hath her share of beauty and good breeding, +and those are enough to recommend her. But know, sir, +that I, her father, am willing and ready to lay down as +many guineas for my child as you are to drop for your +nephew, and therefore care not how soon you begin." The +knight's uncle was something surprised at this speech of the +blind beggar's; but, however, he accepted of the challenge, +and sent to London for a bag of gold. As soon as it was +brought, Monford pulled out two large cat skins stuffed with +gold from under a bundle of rags, whereby it appeared his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[334]</a></span> +trade had been advantageous. Both parties being ready, +they rained a golden shower so plentifully that the gentleman's +stock failed him, and the beggar, not hearing it +chink, fell into laughter and said, "How, sir, is your money +done so soon? I thought at first you had more words than +money. Pray, for your credit's sake, try your friends, for +I have three or four cat skins with golden puddings in +their bellies yet." "Indeed," said the gentleman, "I am +content to own you have outdone me, and think you have +the philosopher's stone, or keep a familiar to bring it to you +from the golden mountain. But seeing the world goes so +well with you, I shall no further go about to persuade my +nephew from being your son-in-law, but beg pardon for +what I have done." "Oh, do you so," said the beggar, +"then may things be better, perhaps, than you expect." +Then, turning to the knight, "Gather up," said he, "the +loose coin I have scattered, and here's a cat skin filled +which will make up the sum of three thousand pounds, +beside a hundred more to buy her a wedding gown. Take +this as her present portion, and, as you behave yourself, +expect more hereafter. I give her to you, and with her a +blessing. Go to church and be married, in God's name, +and I wish you both success and prosperity." When he +had thus spoken, the knight and bride fell upon their +knees, and gave him a thousand thanks and departed, +whilst those that had been suitors, hearing what had +happened, were ready to hang themselves for madness.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Pretty Betty was Married to the Knight, and her +true Pedigree discovered.</i></div> + + +<p>Things being come to pass, great preparations were made +for the wedding. The bride and bridegroom were dressed +in rich apparel, and as soon as the ceremony was ended +they went to the place appointed for keeping their wedding<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[335]</a></span> +dinner. Hither resorted abundance of persons of distinction, +who had been invited, yet none of them surpassed the bride +in modesty and beauty. At length her father and mother +came in, dressed in silks and embroidered velvets. The +company was pleased with the entertainment, which was +very costly, and when the music, dancing, and masquerading +was ended, the old man Monford sung a song, wherein he +discovered his pedigree and his valour in the wars of +France, which also filled the company full of admiration.</p> + +<h4>OLD MONFORD'S SONG.</h4> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> + +<span class="i4">You gallants all, that here are come</span> +<span class="i5">To make this day more happy prove;</span> +<span class="i4">Know, though I'm blind, I am not dumb,</span> +<span class="i5">But wish you happiness and love.</span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">The bride, although her birth seems mean,</span> +<span class="i5">Is born of a noble race;</span> +<span class="i4">Her predecessors great have been,</span> +<span class="i5">If you her pedigree do trace.</span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">Know she is Monford's daughter fair,</span> +<span class="i5">Who lost his sight in the wars of France,</span> +<span class="i4">Who ever since, in begging here,</span> +<span class="i5">Did take this happy, thriving chance.</span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">Consider, bridegroom, then her birth,</span> +<span class="i5">Which some think mean and low,</span> +<span class="i4">As much of honour can bring forth</span> +<span class="i5">As you have power to show.</span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +</div></div> + +<p>The name of Monford, which had been held so famous for +virtue and valour in those days, did not a little cause +wonder in the hearers, who, desiring him to explain himself, +and give the company a particular account of all his adventures +from his youth till the present time, and immediately +a profound silence ensued, the noble company sitting in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[336]</a></span> +full expectation of being diverted with the surprising +achievements and glorious exploits of old Monford, especially +his son-in-law, who was more desirous than all the +rest to hear this seemingly so much pleasing relation, and his +beautiful bride was no less anxious to hear more of her pedigree; +for till now she had been kept in the dark with regard +to her high birth. Monford, hearing all were silent, begun to +relate first, his marriage; second, his going over to France, +accompanied by his beloved spouse, his adventures there; +and, lastly, how he lost his sight in an engagement, with +his return to England, and the success he had by begging; +all which caused a general joy, since those who had +formerly known him by that name supposed him to be +dead; and the bridegroom was pronounced now more happy +than ever, whose lovely bride in both birth and fortune +equalled his in all degrees, and her father, for the credit of +his daughter, promised to leave off his begging trade and +live upon what he had got. This day was concluded to the +joy and satisfaction of all parties.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[337]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr class="double" /> +<h2>THE</h2> + +<h2>PLEASANT HISTORY</h2> + +<h5>OF</h5> + +<h1>POOR ROBIN</h1> + +<h5>THE</h5> + +<h3>MERRY SADDLER OF WALDEN</h3> + +<h5>SHOWING</h5> + +<div class="center">The Merry Pranks he played during his Apprenticeship, +and how he Tricked a rich Miser, etc. +Very diverting for a Winter Evening Fireside.</div> +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter I.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>The birth of Poor Robin, how he was bound Apprentice to +a Saddler, and what a trick he served his Master.</i></div> + + +<p>Poor Robin was born in Saffron-Walden, in the county of +Essex, of honest, plain parents, who brought him up not as +our nice dames do now-a-days, by directing him how much +he should eat, but, as the fashion was then, full fed with +gross meat, so that in a few years he grew a sturdy lad; +and considering his growth and manners, a man might well +say better fed than taught. His father being willing he +should be able to live in the world another day, bound him +an apprentice to a Saddler, one who fitted poor Robin's +humour to a hair; for the master loving drink, he thought +it should go hard if the man likewise did not also wet his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[338]</a></span> +lips with it. It fortuned one time his master had brewed a +barrel of beer stronger than ordinary, to the drinking of +which poor Robin one night invites five or six of his comrades, +who, before the next morning, drank it all up. Poor +Robin to excuse himself, draws the spiggot out, and throws +a pailful of small beer and two or three pails full of water +under the tap, and by a wile gets a great sow into the +cellar; so the next morning when his master arose all was +quiet, and the sow was blamed for what the boar pig had +done.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter II.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Poor Robin served his Master for sitting up late at +Nights.</i></div> + + +<p>Poor Robin's master had gotten a custom that the man did +not at all like, which was, that after he had tippled all day, +sometimes till ten or eleven o'clock at night, he would then +come home and fall asleep in a chair, during which time his +man must not go to bed, but wait until his master awakened. +Poor Robin to break him of this evil custom, one night when +his master came home soundly fuddled, and falling asleep in +his chair as usual; so he made a great fire, and then drew +his master's legs so near thereto, that his toes touched some +of the coals; which being done, he sits him down in the +other corner to observe the sequel. He had not sat long till +his master's shoes began to fry, whereupon he suddenly +awakes, and jumps about as if he had been mad. The man +all the while counterfeits himself asleep, and seemed not to +awake for a good space. At last, seeming much to pity his +master's misfortune, they went to bed. But never after +that would his master sit up to sleep in his chair.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter III.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Poor Robin served a rich Miser.</i></div> + + +<p>In the same town lived a rich miser who had wealth enough +to have been treasurer of the town, and wisdom answerable<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[339]</a></span> +to a beadle of a parish. This man, fuller of faith than good +works, would neither feast the poor nor relieve their wants, +nor hold brotherly unity with any. Poor Robin being +resolved to put a trick upon him, it being then Christmas, +made it fit for his purpose; and so counterfeiting himself to +be the gentleman's man, about ten or eleven o'clock at +night, just when people were in bed, he calls at sundry +men's doors, inviting them the next day to his master's +(naming the gentleman's name) to dinner. Whereupon the +next day appeared the number of two and twenty in their +roast-meat apparel; but, contrary to their expectations, +finding small preparations towards a dinner, they began to +wonder wherefore he had invited them; the gentleman as +much wondered wherefore they came. At last the truth +was cleared on both sides, some laughed, and some frowned; +and so they all departed home.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IV.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Robin Married and set up for Himself.</i></div> + + +<p>Poor Robin having served out his apprenticeship would +needs set up for himself, and thereupon hires a house and +shop; yet thinking it inconvenient for him to live alone, +and that two heads were better than one, he resolved to do +as many others did, marry in haste though he should repent +at leisure. But his fortune was better than his deserts, for +though she was but a homely woman, with whom he joined +in matrimony, yet she was provident to live in the world, +and for his own part he stood not much on beauty, but had +rather have a fat purse than a fair wife, seeing there was +great profit in the one, and less danger of being made a +cuckold by the other. Never did a couple more lovingly +agree together than did this pair at first, insomuch that +duck and lamb were the ordinary terms he bestowed upon +her; whereupon a wit of the town hearing this loving<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[340]</a></span> +language betwixt them, made this epigram to be read by +any that can understand it.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">Poor Robin thinks his wife excels most dames,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">And calls her duck and lamb, with such kind names,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">A duck's a bird, a lamb's a beast we know,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Poor Robin's wife's a foul beast then I trow.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter V.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Poor Robin served one of his Companions a +Slovenous Trick.</i></div> + + +<p>Poor Robin having set up for himself (as you have heard), +he would oftentimes travel abroad in the country to get +acquaintance amongst the gentry. It happened one time, +being belated homeward, and his brain intoxicated with the +juice of Bacchus, that he took up his quarters in a country +ale-house, where notwithstanding he had gotten a lusty jug +before, yet fell he to drinking of beer and cider, as if his +belly was bottomless; at last growing sleepy he went to +bed, where it was his chance to be lodged in the same +chamber where one of his acquaintances was already in bed, +who as he lay down sooner than poor Robin, so the next +morning was he no sooner got up providing a pot and toast +ready against poor Robin arose, but a foul mischance befel +poor Robin in the meantime, for the wine, beer, and cider +not agreeing in his belly, he very mannerly, sir-reverence +vomited on the bed. Whereupon not knowing what to do, +and being loth to be discredited, a crotchet came into his +crown, which he presently put in execution. He takes +the dirty sheets from off his own bed, and lays them on his +friend's, and then takes his and lays them on his own bed, +so spreading the coverlet as if nothing was amiss, he makes +himself ready and downstairs he goes. No sooner was he +below but his friend arrests him at Mr. Fox's suit, and by +all means would make him pay his groat for being drunk. +Poor Robin excused himself as well as he could, and would<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[341]</a></span> +be judged by the landlord whether he was fuddled or no; +whilst they were wrangling about paying the groat, the maid +went up into the chamber to make the beds; but finding one +of them in a pitiful pickle, she came chafing down, calling +the man beastly fellow and nasty knave, with other Billingsgate +language, such as came first to her tongue's end. The +man thought her mad, thus to scold for nothing, till at last +she told him plainly he had vomited the bed. "Nay," +quoth poor Robin, "I will be judged by my landlord which +of us was most fuddled last night." "Truly," said the host, +"I can judge no otherwise but that he was, or he would +not have played such a nasty trick." Whereupon it was +judged by all the company that the man should pay his +groat, and poor Robin got free.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VI.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Of a sad Disaster that befel Poor Robin.</i></div> + + +<p>It happened on a time, during the late unhappy wars, that +all the Essex Trainband were assembled at Walden, to +resist the king's forces, who, in a bravado, had made their +excursions as far as Huntingdon. Amongst other military +weapons of destruction, they brought a drake, which they +planted under poor Robin's chamber-window, to be shot off +at nine o'clock at night, for a warning for all people to +repair home. Poor Robin and his wife were at that time +newly gone to bed; now it is to be understood, the chamber +where they lay went out half over the room below, a rail of +about four feet high being set up by the side to keep them +from falling, close by the rail was poor Robin's bed. But +whilst they were going to sleep, the drake was shot off, +which poor Sarah, his wife, hearing, with the fright gave a +sudden start, and threw poor Robin quite over the rail into +the room below. Poor Robin was much bruised in body and +half dead. At length he got up, but his courage was so +cooled with the greatness of his fall that he had more need +of a doctor than a sleep.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[342]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VII.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Poor Sarah was cheated of her Mutton Pie.</i></div> + + +<p>Poor Sarah on a time made a very great pie, into which +she had put a whole loin of mutton besides other things, so +that it was valued worth five or six shillings at least. This +pie she sent to the common oven to bake, which, being perceived +by three or four merry blades, they resolved, if they +could possibly, to cheat her of the pie, which at last they +brought to pass on this manner. At such time as the baker +used to draw, two of them went and held poor Sarah in a +tale, whilst the other sent one of her neighbour's boys to the +baker's with a pail, a napkin, and money to pay for the +baking. The baker mistrusting no knavery, delivered the +boy the pie, which was presently carried to the next ale-house, +whether inviting some more of their companions unto +them, with much mirth and laughter; and because the jest +should be publicly known they set the crier to work, who +published the same in every corner of the town.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter VIII.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Poor Robin ate Dog-stones instead of Lamb-stones.</i></div> + + +<p>As Poor Robin was more addicted to flesh than fish, so of +all sorts of flesh he loved a dish of lamb-stones best. A +merry disposed companion knowing his appetite, resolved to +put a trick upon him. A gentleman of the town who kept +a pack of hounds, having gelt his dogs, he gets the stones, +and with a few sweet breads presents them to poor Robin as +a dainty dish. Poor Robin very thankful for so great kindness +would not stay, but presently had them dressed, making +all the haste he could, for fear any should come in to be +partakers with him in his dinner. But having eaten them, +and understood the truth, he fell a-spewing as if his gall +would come up with it. Poor Sarah, in like manner, disgorged +her stomach, so that who should have seen them, +would have concluded them drunk with eating.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[343]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter IX.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>A witty Jest that Poor Robin gave a Sergeant.</i></div> + + +<p>The Blue Regiment of Train-Soldiers being on a time at +Walden, one of the sergeants, to show his bravery, had +gotten a great blue scarf about his middle, being as much +or more than the ensign had in his colours. Poor Robin +thinking him too fine to fight, would venture to put a jeer +upon him, and calling him, asked if he wanted any work? +"Why," said the sergeant, "what makes you ask?" "Pray +your pardon," quoth poor Robin, "I was mistaken in you, +I took you for a shoemaker, because you had gotten your +blue apron before you."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter X.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>How Poor Robin won Five Shillings by kissing his +Hostess.</i></div> + + +<p>Poor Robin, with some other of his mates, being drinking +in an ale-house, where was an exceeding tall hostess, one of +them offered to lay five shillings (because Poor Robin was +low) that he should not kiss her as he stood on the ground. +Poor Robin accepted the challenge, and covered the money. +But when he went to kiss her, his mouth would not reach +higher than her apron string. Whereupon dropping a +shilling on the ground he made her stoop to lift it, then he +clasped his arms round her neck, gave her a kiss, and so won +the wager.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XI.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Poor Robin's sayings of Ambitious Men.</i></div> + + +<p>Poor Robin, being in company with some gentlemen who +were talking of the ambition of some men now-a-days, that +would venture the loss of their souls for the possession of a +kingdom: "Yea," quoth poor Robin, "but the success of +many of them is far different from King Saul's, for he +seeking asses found a kingdom, and they seeking a kingdom +find themselves to be asses."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[344]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XII.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Poor Robin's Journey to London.</i></div> + +<p>Poor Robin having never been in London in his life, and +being very desirous to see the city whose fame rang so loud +in every man's mouth, he resolved to make a jonrney +thither, and spend some time in viewing the rarities of the +same; but because he was unacquainted with the city customs, +he got a companion of his to go along with him. No +sooner were they past Aldgate, but poor Robin seeing such +a number of signs, he whispered with his friend, "Certainly," +quoth he, "they must needs be all drunkards that live in +this place. I never saw so many ale-houses together in my +life." And thereupon beckoning to his companion, enters +one of the shops and calls for a jug of beer; but they making +him acquainted with his error, how they sold no drink, but +if he wanted anything else they could furnish him with it. +He presently without any studying asks them to show him +a pair of hedging gloves, whereupon changing their opinion, +instead of a fool they took him for a jeering companion; +and to fit him for his gloves had him to the pump and +soundly bedrenched him from head to foot. And having +occasion to go through Birching Lane, and being asked by +the salesmen, "Countrymen, what lack you?" "Marry," +quoth he, "that which I fear you cannot furnish me +withal," and being importuned of them to know what it was: +"Why," quoth he, "that which you have none of I want, +honesty." Night approaching, poor Robin and his walking +mate repaired to their inn, where, after they had supped and +drunk five or six jugs of beer with the host of the house, +and some of his men (for inn-keeper's servants drink most +of their beer at other men's cost), his friend loving no tobacco, +and poor Robin desiring the heathenish weed to pass away +the time, they agreed among themselves that every one of the +company should either tell a tale or sing a song. Poor Robin, +who first mentioned the same, beginning in this manner.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[345]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIII.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>A Tale of a Pair of Cards.</i></div> + + +<p>Not many ages since a parson of a country village was +accused to a committee that he was a great gamester at +cards, being so addicted thereunto that he would ofttimes +play on Sundays. The committee thus informed, sent for +the parson to answer this accusation; who receiving the +warrant made no excuse nor delay, but with all haste made +his appearance before them; with him also came the informer +to justify his accusation. Being thus met together, +the committee began to reprove the parson for being +addicted to such a vice, as to be noted for a common player +at cards. "Indeed," said the parson, "I am so far from it, +that I know not what a pair of cards meaneth." "Sir," +quoth the informer, "if you please to search his pockets, I +believe you will find a pair there at present, for he seldom +goeth without such tackling." Whereupon the committee +commanding his pocket to be searched, they found a pair of +cards there indeed, but the parson denied them to be cards, +saying, "They may be cards to you, but to me they are an +almanack." And being demanded how he could make it +appear, he answered thus: "First," quoth he, "here is +as many suits of cards as there be quarters in a year, +and as many court cards as there be months in a year, and +as many cards as there be weeks in a year, and as many +spots as there be days in a year. Then when I look upon +the king it puts me in mind of the allegiance that I owe to +my sovereign lord the king; looking upon the queen puts me +in mind of the allegiance that I owe to the queen; the ten +puts me in mind of the Ten Commandments; the nine, of +the nine muses; the eight, of the eight altitudes; the +seven, of the seven liberal sciences; the six, of six days +we ought to labour in; the five, of the five senses; the four, +of the four evangelists; the three, of the Trinity; the two, +of the two sacraments; and the ace, that we ought to wor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[346]</a></span>ship +but one God." Quoth the committee, "If this be all +the use you make of them we can find no fault with you. +But Mr. Parson, of all the cards you have nominated, you +have forgot the knave; pray, what use make you of him?" +"O sir," said he (pointing to his accuser), "that is your +worship's informer."</p> + +<p>"Poor Robin having ended his tale," says his friend, "I +suppose that was the same parson that used to read his +litany every day of the week excepting Sunday, and I being +constant hearer of him, learnt it as perfectly as my pater +noster."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XIV.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Poor Robin's Litany.</i></div> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">From being turned out of doors,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From town-rats, and ale-house scores,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From lowsie queans and pocky bores,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5"><i>Libera nos.</i></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">From tailors' bills and drapers' books,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From sluttish maids and nasty cooks,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From froward wives and crabbed looks,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5"><i>Libera nos.</i></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">From breaking pipes and broken glasses,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From drinking healths and drunken asses,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From lying lubbers and lisping lasses,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5">;<i>Libera nos.</i></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">From paying of lawyers' fees,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From mouldy bread and musty cheese,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From trotting jades and scorning shes,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5"><i>Libera nos.</i></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">From fetters, chains, bolts, and gyves,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From pointless needles and broken knives,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From thievish servants and drunken wives,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5"><i>Libera nos.</i></span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[347]</a></span><br /> + +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">From tailors' bodkins and butchers' pricks,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From tenpenny nails and headless spikes,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">And from attorneys' knavish tricks,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5"><i>Libera nos.</i></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">From being taken in disguise,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From believing of a poet's lies,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">And from the devil and the excise,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5">5<i>Libera nos.</i></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">From brown bread and small beer,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From being taken stealing deer,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">From all that hath been named here,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i5">5<i>Quesemus te.</i></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +</div></div> + +<p>The litany being ended the tapster comes for his reckoning, +but poor Robin made answer that he should do as the +rest had done, either tell a tale or sing a song. Says he, +"Sing I cannot, but I will tell you how they marry in +Scotland, as a Scotch priest told me that lay here, and got +me to engage for him to my master for twenty shillings, +and he running away, I was forced to pay his score for him."</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XV.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>A Scotch Marriage.</i></div> + + +<p>We don't use to wad in Scotland as you wad in England. +Jockey comes to the kirk and takes Sir Donkyn by the rocket, +and says, "Good morn, Sir Donkyn." "What's the matter, +Jockey, what's the matter?" "A wadding, a wadding," +says he, "don't you see the hoppers and the skippers, and +all the lads of the gang?" "I'se don't, I'se come to you +belyve." Then Sir Donkyn gangs to the kirk, "I spee and +I spee, wha a deil do you spee; Jockey of the high lane, +and Jenny of the long cliff; if any know why these twa +may not be wadded together, let them now speak or hold their +tongue in the deil's name. Jockey wilt thou ha'e Jenny to +thy wadded wife? I say, Jockey, say after me, Jockey<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[348]</a></span> +wilt thou ha'e Jenny to thy wadded wife, forsaking all +loons, lubberloons, swing-bellied calves, black lips, and blue +noses? Ay, forsooth. If these twa be not as well wadded +as e'er I wadded twa these seven years, the deil and St. +Andrew part them."</p> + +<p>The wedding being ended, all the company went to bed, +where we will leave them till the next morning, to relate +poor Robin's perambulation about the city.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XVI.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Poor Robin's perambulation about the City.</i></div> + + +<p>No sooner did Apollo begin to appear in the eastern horizon, +but poor Robin, shaking off melancholy sleep, roused his +companion to prepare himself for their intended perambulation; +and having armed themselves with a pot of nappy +ale, they took their first walk to see the Royal Exchange, a +most magnificent structure, built by Sir Thomas Gresham. +From thence they went to take a view of Leadenhall, but +the exceeding bravery of the Exchange had so dimmed the +beauty of the place, that it was nothing pleasing to poor +Robin's eye. He made no tarrying there, but went presently +down to the Tower, where having seen the lions, and from +the wharf taken a superficial view of the bridge, as also the +ships upon the river Thames, he became weary of beholding +so many surprising objects. He had, however, far more content +in seeing the ships, so admirably pleasing to his fancy +it was to see how these little pretty things hopped about. +But lest he should take a surfeit with such ravishing +delights, his friend persuaded him to go to see the ancient +cathedral of St. Paul's, being at present made a horse-guard +by the soldiers, which poor Robin beholding, "What a +blessed reformation," quoth he, "have we here! For in our +country we can scarce persuade men to go to church, but +here come men and horses too." Having satisfied himself +with the sight of St. Paul's, they would in the next place go<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[349]</a></span> +to visit Westminster, the rather because it was at term +time, where, beholding so great a number of lawyers in their +gowns, he cried out, "Oh, let us begone from this place, for +if two or three make such a quarrel in our town, certainly +there is no abiding here for men in their wit." A country +gentleman overhearing him, "I remember," quoth he, "once +I heard a story of a man that went down to hell, wherein he +beheld men of all professions, ages, and conditions, saving +only lawyers, which made him the more to wonder, because +he imagined them all there, and asking the devil the reason, +he made this reply, 'We have them here though you see +them not, but we are forced to keep them in a room by +themselves lest they should set all the devils in hell at +variance.'" Poor Robin laughed very heartily at this tale, +and having now satisfied his inn, and having discharged all +reckonings, his friend and he returned home.</p> + + + + +<h2><span class="smcap">Chapter XVII.</span></h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Many odd Whimsies and Conceits of Poor Robin.</i></div> + + +<p>Poor Robin daily frequenting the tavern and ale-house had +learned of his companions many drunken whimsies and +other odd conceits, as the five properties that belong to an +host, that he must have the head of a stag, the bag of a +nag, the belly of a hog, skip up and down like a frog, and +fawn like a dog. As also the four ingredients whereof a +woman's tongue is made, viz.: The sound of a great bell, the +wagging of a dog's tail, the shaking of an aspen leaf tempered +with running water.</p> + +<p>When poor Robin had gotten a cup in his crown, as it +oftentimes happened, he would then be playing the poet, +and nothing but rhymes could then come out of his mouth; +for as one writes:</p> + +<p> +Poet and pot doth differ but one letter,<br /> +And that makes poets love the pot the better.<br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[350]</a></span></p> + +<p>Amongst other of his conceits, this following comparison +was much used by him:—</p> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">Like a purse that hath no chink in't,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">Or a cellar and no drink in't,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">Like a jewel never worn,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">Or a child untimely born,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">Like a song without a foot,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">Or a bond and no hand to't,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">Such doth she seem unto mine eyes,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">That lives a virgin till she dies.<br /><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i4">The money doth entice the purse,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">The drink in the cellar quencheth thirst,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">The jewel decks, if worn it is,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">The child soon dies, abortive is;<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">The end o' the song doth sweetest sound,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">The hand doth make the party bound.<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">So she that marries e'er death takes her,<br /><br /></span> +<span class="i4">Answers that for which Nature makes her.<br /><br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<p>"Women," said he, "are all extremes, either too willing, +or too wilful; too forward or too froward; too courteous or +too coy; too friendly or too fiendly." This made Arminius, +a ruler in Carthage, refuse to marry, saying, "If I marry a +wife, she will be wilful; if wealthy, then wanton; if poor, +then peevish; if beautiful, then proud; if deformed, then +loathsome; and the least of these is able to plague a thousand +men."</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">The End.</span></h3> + +<h5>PRINTED BY ROBERT MACLEHOSK, GLASGOW.</h5> + + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<p>Transcriber's Notes:</p> + +<p>Punctuation has been normalized.</p> +<p>Hyphenation has been made consistent.</p> +<p>Bonaparte is spelled three ways, two are in dialect, left as is.</p> +<p>Page 18, changed "yoeman" to "yeoman" (The yeoman replied:)</p> +<p>Page 19, changed "tiil" to "til" (merry til my wife)</p> +<p>Page 149, changed "the mall" to "them all" (tell them all;)</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Amusing Prose Chap Books, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK AMUSING PROSE CHAP BOOKS *** + +***** This file should be named 36517-h.htm or 36517-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/5/1/36517/ + +Produced by Feòrag NicBhrìde, Ron Stephens, David Garcia +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images +generously made available by The Internet Archive/American +Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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