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diff --git a/36365-h/36365-h.htm b/36365-h/36365-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d4cd24b --- /dev/null +++ b/36365-h/36365-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,7809 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of J. Poindexter, Colored, by Irvin S. Cobb. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body {margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + } /* page numbers */ + + .extraspace {padding-top: 4em; } + .center {text-align: center;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .cap:first-letter {float: left; clear: left; margin: -0.2em 0.1em 0; margin-top: 0%; + padding: 0; line-height: .75em; font-size: 300%; text-align: justify;} + .cap {text-align: justify;} + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + .fnanchor {vertical-align: super; font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;} + + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's J. Poindexter, Colored, by Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: J. Poindexter, Colored + +Author: Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb + +Release Date: June 9, 2011 [EBook #36365] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK J. POINDEXTER, COLORED *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Dianna Adair, Mary Meehan and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net +(This file was produced from images generously made +available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="400" height="624" alt="Cover" title="" /> +<span class="caption"></span> +</div> + + + +<h1><i>J. Poindexter, Colored</i></h1> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><i>By Irvin S. Cobb</i></h2> + +<div class='center extraspace'><i>Fiction</i><br /><br /><br /></div> +<div class='center'> +J. POINDEXTER, COLORED<br /> +SUNDRY ACCOUNTS<br /> +FROM PLACE TO PLACE<br /> +THOSE TIMES AND THESE<br /> +LOCAL COLOR<br /> +OLD JUDGE PRIEST<br /> +BACK HOME<br /> +THE ESCAPE OF MR. TRIMM<br /><br /><br /> +</div> + + +<div class='center'><i>Wit and Humor</i><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<div class='center'> +ONE THIRD OFF<br /> +A PLEA FOR OLD CAP COLLIER<br /> +THE ABANDONED FARMERS<br /> +THE LIFE OF THE PARTY<br /> +EATING IN TWO OR THREE LANGUAGES<br /> +"OH, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN ARE!"<br /> +FIBBLE D.D.<br /> +"SPEAKING OF OPERATIONS—"<br /> +EUROPE REVISED<br /> +ROUGHING IT DE LUXE<br /> +COBB'S BILL OF FARE<br /> +COBB'S ANATOMY<br /><br /><br /> +</div> + + +<div class='center'><i>Miscellany</i><br /><br /><br /></div> + +<div class='center'> +THE THUNDERS OF SILENCE<br /> +THE GLORY OF THE COMING<br /> +PATHS OF GLORY<br /> +"SPEAKING OF PRUSSIANS—"<br /><br /> +</div> + + +<div class='center extraspace'> +<i>New York<br /> +George H. Doran Company</i><br /> +</div> + + + + +<div class='center extraspace'> +<i>J. Poindexter, Colored</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>By</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>Irvin S. Cobb</i><br /> +</div> + +<div class='center extraspace'> +<i>Author of</i><br /> +"<i>Old Judge Priest</i>," "<i>Speaking<br /> +of Operations—</i>," <i>Etc.</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>New York</i><br /> +<i>George H. Doran Company</i><br /><br /><br /> +</div> + +<div class='center extraspace'> +<i>Copyright, 1922</i>,<br /> +<br /> +<i>By George H. Doran Company</i><br /> +</div> +<div class="figcenter extraspace" style="width: 79px;"> +<img src="images/004a.png" width="79" height="77" alt="Publisher Logo" title="" /> +<span class="caption"></span> +<br /><br /></div> + + +<div class='center'> +<i>Copyright, 1922</i>,<br /> +<br /> +<i>By The Curtis Publishing Company</i><br /> +<br /> +<i>Printed in the United States of America</i><br /><br /> +</div> + + +<div class='center extraspace'> +<i>J. Poindexter, Colored</i><br /> +<br /> +TO<br /> +MARGARET ILLINGTON BOWES<br /> +</div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="8" summary="Table of Contents"> + +<tr><td align='left'><h2><i>CONTENTS</i></h2></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left' colspan='4'>CHAPTER</td><td align='left'> </td><td align='right'>PAGE</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>ONE:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Down Yonder</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_11">11</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>TWO:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>North-Bound</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_27">27</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>THREE:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Manhattan Isle</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_41">41</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>FOUR:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Harlem Heights</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_61">61</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>FIVE:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Local Colored</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_88">88</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>SIX:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Gold Coast</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_94">94</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>SEVEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Country Side</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_103">103</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>EIGHT:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Dark Secrets</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_114">114</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>NINE:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Movie-Land</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_120">120</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>TEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Black Belt</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_140">140</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>ELEVEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Afric Shores</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_151">151</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>TWELVE:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Business Deals</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_162">162</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>THIRTEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Private Life</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_167">167</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>FOURTEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Oiled Skids</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_173">173</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>FIFTEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Vet to Zym</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_193">193</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>SIXTEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Lady-Like!</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_201">201</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>SEVENTEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Sable Plots</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_210">210</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>EIGHTEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>White Hopes</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_224">224</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>NINETEEN:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Pistol Plays</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_235">235</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>TWENTY:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Piebald Joys</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_247">247</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>TWENTY-ONE:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Headed Home</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_252">252</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>TWENTY-TWO:</td><td align='left' colspan='4'><i>Last Words</i></td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_264">264</a></td></tr> +</table></div> + + + + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><i>J. Poindexter, Colored</i></h1> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p> + + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter I</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Down Yonder</i></div> + + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>MY name is J. Poindexter. But the +full name is Jefferson Exodus +Poindexter, Colored. But most +always in general I has been known as Jeff, +for short. The Jefferson part is for a white +family which my folks worked for them one +time before I was born, and the Exodus is +because my mammy craved I should be +named after somebody out of the Bible. +How I comes to write this is this way:</div> + +<p>It seems like my experiences here in New +York is liable to be such that one of my +white gentleman friends he says to me I +should take pen in hand and write them out +just the way they happen and at the time +they is happening, or right soon afterwards, +whilst the memory of them is clear in my +brain; and then he'll see if he can't get them +printed somewheres, which on top of the +other things which I now is, will make<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span> +me an author with money coming in steady. +He says to me he will fix up the spelling +wherever needed and attend to the punctuating; +but all the rest of it will be my own +just like I puts it down. I reads and writes +very well but someway I never learned to +puncture. So the places where it is necessary +to be punctual in order to make good +sense and keep everything regulation and +make the talk sound natural is his doings +and also some of the spelling. But everything +else is mine and I asks credit.</p> + +<p>My coming to New York, in the first +place, is sort of a sudden thing which starts +here about a month before the present time. +I has been working for Judge Priest for +going on sixteen years and is expecting to +go on working for him as long as we can get +along together all right, which it seems like +from appearances that ought to be always. +But after he gives up being circuit judge on +account of him getting along so in age he +gets sort of fretful by reasons of him not +having much to do any more and most of +his own friends having died off on him. +When the state begins going Republican<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span> +about once in so often, he says to me, kind +of half joking, he's a great mind to pull up +stakes and move off and go live somewheres +else. But pretty soon after that the whole +country goes dry and then he says to me +there just naturally ain't no fitten place left +for him to go to without he leaves the +United States.</p> + +<p>The old boss-man he broods a right smart +over this going-dry business. Being a judge +and all, he's always been a great hand for +upholding the law. But this here is one +law which he cannot uphold and yet go on +taking of his sweetening drams steady the +same as he's been used to doing all his life. +And from the statements which he lets fall +from time to time I gleans that he can't +hardly make up his mind which one of the +two of them—law or liquor—he's going to +favor the most when the pinch comes and +the supply in the dineroom cupboard begins +running low. Every time he starts off +for a little trip somewheres and has to tote +a bottle along in his hip pocket instead of +being able to walk into a grocery and refresh +himself over the bar like he's been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> +doing for mighty nigh sixty years, I hears +him speaking mumbling<a name="FNanchor_1_4" id="FNanchor_1_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_4" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> words to himself. +I hears him saying it's come to a pretty pass +when a Kentucky gentleman has either got +to compromise with his conscience or play +a low-down trick on his appetite. Off and +on it certainly does pester him mightily.</p> + +<p>But just about the middle of the present +summer he gets a letter from his married +niece, her which used to be Miss Sally +Fanny Priest but is now married to a Yankee +gentleman named Fairchild and living +in Denver, Colorado. Miss Sally Fanny +is the closest kin-folks the old judge has got +left in the world; and she ups and writes to +him and invites him to come on out there +where she lives and stay a spell with them +and then toward winter go along with her +to a place called Bermuda which it seems +like from what she says in the letter, Bermuda +is one of these here localities where +you can still keep on having a toddy when +you feels like it without breaking the law.</p> + +<p>So he studies about it awhile and then he +says to me one night he believes he'll go, +which he does along about four weeks ago, +leaving me behind to sort of look out for +the home place out on Clay Street. My +wages goes on the same as if he was there, +and I has but little to do, but the place seems +mighty lonesome to me without the old boss-man +pottering 'round doing this and that +and the other thing. I certainly does miss +seeing the sight of him. Every time I +walks through the front part of the house, +and it all empty and closed up and smelling +kind of musted, and sees his old umbrella +hanging on the front hall hat-rack where he +forgot and left it there the day he went +away, I gets a sort of a low feeling in my +mind. It's like having the toothache in a +place where there ain't no tooth to have it +in.</p> + +<p>And I keeps on thinking about the old +days when he'd be setting out on the front +porch as night-time come on, with some of +them old-time friends of his dropping in on +him, and me bringing them drinks from the +sideboard, and them laughing and smoking +and joking and carrying on; or else maybe<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span> +talking about the Confederate War and the +Battle of Shiloh and all. But most of them +is now dead and gone and the old judge is +away out yonder in Denver, Colorado, a-many +and a-many a mile from me; and all +I can hear as I comes up the walk from the +front gate after dark is the katy-dids calling +in the silver-leaf trees and all I can hear +when I unlocks the door and goes inside +is one of them old chimney swifts up the +chimney, going: "<i>Whoosh, whoosh, +whoosh!</i>" I've took notice before now that +an empty house which it has always been +empty ain't half so lonesome for you to be +in it as one which has been lived in by +people you knowed but they have now gone +entirely away.</p> + +<p>So, after about two weeks of being alone, +I gets so restless I feels like I can't stand it +very much longer without breaking loose +someway. So one Sunday about half past +two o'clock in the evening, I'm going on +past a young white gentleman by the name +of Mr. Dallas Pulliam's house and he +comes out on his front porch and calls over +to me and tells me to come on in there<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span> +'cause he wants to talk to me about something. +So I crosses over from the other +side of the street and walks up to the porch +steps and takes off my hat and asks him how +he is getting along and he says he ain't got +no complaint and he asks me how is I getting +along my own self and I tells him just +sort of toler'ble so-and-so, and then he says +to me how would I like to take a trip to +New York City? I thinks he must be funning. +But I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"How come New York City, Mr. +Dallas?"</p> + +<p>So he tells me that here lately he's been +studying a right smart about going to New +York and staying there a spell on a sort of +a vacationlike, and if he likes it maybe he'll +settle there and go into business. He says +he's about made up his mind to take some +likely black boy along with him for to be +his body-servant and look after his clothes +and things and everything and he's thinking +that maybe I might be the one to fill the +bill; and then he says to me:</p> + +<p>"How about it, Jeff—want to go along<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> +and give the big town the once-over or +not?"</p> + +<p>I then sees he is not funning but is making +me a straight business proposition. I +thanks him and says to him that I has ever +had the crave to travel far and wide and +that I likewise has often heard New York +spoke of as a very pleasant place to go to, +by them which has done so, and also a place +where something or other is going on most +of the time. But I says to him I'm afraid +I can't go on account I'm under obligations +to Judge Priest by reasons of us having been +together so long and him having left me in +complete utter charge of our house. He +says, though, he thinks maybe he can attend +to that part of it all right; he says he'll +write a letter to the Judge specifying about +what's come up and he's pretty sure it can +be fixed up so's I can go. He says if I don't +like the job after I gets there, he'll pay my +way back home again any time I wants to +come, or when the old judge needs me, +either one. He says he ain't adopting me, +he's just borrowing me.</p> + +<p>I always has liked Mr. Dallas Pulliam,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> +him being one of the most freehanded +young white gentlemen in town. Of course, +off and on, I've heard the rest of the white +folks hurrahing him behind his back about +the way he's handled all that there money +which was left to him here a few years back +when his paw died. There was that time +when he bought a sugar plantation down in +Louisiana, sight onseen, and when he went +down to see it, couldn't do so without he'd +a-done a whole heap of bailing-out first, by +reason of its being under three feet of standing +water. Anyway, that's what I heard +tell; thought I reckon it wasn't noways as +bad as what some of the white folks let on. +And there was that other time only a few +months back when he decided to start up a +buggy-factory. I overhears Judge Priest +speaking about that one day to Dr. Lake.</p> + +<p>"That young man, Dallas Pulliam, certainly +is a sagacious and a farseein' person," +he says. "Jest when automobiles has got so +cheap that every hill-billy in the county kin +afford to own at least one, he's fixin' to go +into the buggy-factory business on an extensive +scale. Next time I run into him I'm<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span> +goin' to suggest to him that when the buggy +trade seems to sort of slack up, ez possibly +it may, that instid of layin' off his hands he +might start in to turnin' out flint-lock muskets +fur the U. S. Army."</p> + +<p>I suspicions that Judge Priest or somebody +else must have spoke to Mr. Dallas +along those lines because he didn't go into +the buggy business after all. For the past +several months he ain't been doing much +of anything, so far as I knows of, except +pranking 'round and courting Miss Henrietta +Farrell.</p> + +<p>Well, white folks may poke their fun at +him unbeknownst, but he's got manners +suitable to make him popular with me. +He's the kind of a white gentleman that's +this here way: He'll wear a new necktie +or a fancy vest about three or four times +and then he'll get tired of it and pass it on +to the first one which comes along. Moreover, +him and me is mighty near the same +size and I knows full well in advance, just +from looking at him that Sunday evening +standing there on his porch, that the very +same suit of clothes which he's got on then<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> +will fit me without practically no alterations. +It's a checked suit, too, and mighty +catchy to the eye. So right off I tells him +if Judge Priest gives his free will and consent +I'll certainly be down at the depot +when that there old engine whistle blows +for to get aboard for New York City. +Which he then asks me for Miss Sally +Fanny's address and promises he'll write +out there that very night to find out can I +go.</p> + +<p>It's curious how news does travel 'round +in a place that's the right size for everybody +in it to know everybody else's business. +Before night it has done leaked out somehow +that I is seriously considering accepting +going to New York with young Mr. +Dallas Pulliam; and by next morning, lo +and behold, if it ain't all over town! +Wherever I goes, pretty near everybody I +meets, whites and blacks alike, asks me how +about it and allows I'm powerful lucky to +get such a chance. Mostly, in times gone +by, when my race goes North they heads for +Chicago, Illinois, or maybe Detroit, Michigan, +or Indianapolis, Indiana. No sooner<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span> +do they get there than they begins writing +back saying that up North is the only fitten +place for colored folks to be at; wages high, +times easy, and white folks calling you +"Mister" and everything pleasant like that. +They writes that there is not no Jim Crow +cars nor separate seats for colored at the +moving-pictures nor nothing like that. But +I has taken notice that after awhile most of +'em quits writing back and starts coming +back. Some stays but more returns—and is +verging on shouting-happy when they +crosses the Ohio River coming in. From +what I hears some of 'em say after they gets +home and has got a full meal of vittles inside +of them, and so is got more time to +talk, I has made up my mind that so far as +my own color is concerned, the main difference +from the South is this: Up North +they calls you "Mister" but they don't feed +you!</p> + +<p>Still, New York City ain't Chicago, Illinois, +nor yet it ain't Detroit, Michigan; and +besides, working for Mr. Dallas Pulliam, +I won't have to be worrying about when +does I eat next. Still, even so, I says to myself<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span> +that it won't be no harm to inquire +round now that the word is done leaked out +anyhow, and learn something more than +what little I knows about New York City. +But it seems like, outside of some few white +folks, there is not nobody I knows who's +ever been there, excusing a few head of +draft-boys which went there enduring of +the early part of the war; and they wouldn't +scarcely count neither on account of them +just passing through and not staying over +only just a short time whilst waiting for the +boat to start. Howsomever, they tells me, +one and all, that from what they did see of +it they is willing to recommend it very +highly.</p> + +<p>One or two of the white gentlemen which +I is well acquainted with, they tells me +the same, too. Mr. Jere Fairleigh he takes +me into his law office when I meets him on +the street and speaks to him about it; and +he gets a book all about New York down +off of one of his shelves and he reads to me +where the book says that in New York there +is more of these here Germans than there is +in any German city except one, and more<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span> +Russians than there is in any Russia city +except none, and more Italians than there +is in any Italy city except one, and more +Hungarians than there is in any Hungry +city at all, and so on and so forth. I says to +him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Jere, it seems lak they is mo' of +ever' nation in Noo Yawk 'en whut they is +anywhars else. But they does not 'pear to +be nothin' said 'bout 'Merikins. How +come, suh?"</p> + +<p>He says he reckons there's so few of them +there that the man which wrote the book +didn't figure it was worth while putting +them in. Still, he says I'll probably run +into somebody once in awhile which speaks +the United States language.</p> + +<p>"'Most every policeman does," he says, +"I understand it's the law that they have to +be able to speak it before they'll let 'em go +on the force, so as they can understand the +foreigners that come over from the mainland +of North America to visit in New +York."</p> + +<p>The way he looks—so sort of serious—when +he says that, I can't tell if he's in earnest<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span> +or not. I judges, though, that he's just +having his fumdiddles with me. And then +he goes on and tells me that the biggest of +everything and the tallest and the richest +and the grandest is found there and if I +don't believe it is, I can just ask any New +Yorker after I gets there and he'll tell me +the same.</p> + +<p>So, taking one thing with another, I'm +mighty much pleased when the word comes +along in about a week from then that the +old judge says I can go and sends me his +best wishes and a twenty-dollar bill as a +parting gift and friendship offering. He +says in the letter, which Mr. Dallas reads +to me, to tell me to be sort of careful about +sampling the stock of liquor and cigars on +the sideboard of any New York family +when I'm in their house, and also not to +start in wearing a strange Yankee gentleman's +clothes without telling him about it +first. He says people up there probably +don't understand local customs as they have +ever prevailed down our way, and if I ain't +careful, first thing I know there'll be a +skinny black nigger named Jeff locked up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span> +in the county jail hollowing for help and +not no help handy.</p> + +<p>But that's just the old boss-man's joke. +He always is been the beatenest one for +twitting me about little things around the +house! Mr. Dallas he knows how to take +what the Judge says and so does I and we +has quite a laugh together over the letter.</p> + +<p>And lessen twenty-four hours from that +time we is both all packed up and on our +way, New York bound, me wearing one of +Mr. Dallas' suits of clothes which I figures +he ain't had it on his back more than five +or six times before altogether. It's a suit +of a most pleasing pattern, too. And cut +very stylish, with a belt in the back.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter II</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>North Bound</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>NEXT morning after we gets across +into Ohio, Mr. Dallas he fetches +me into the Pullman car where +he's riding. I finds myself more comfortable +there than I has been riding up front +in the colored compartment, but lesser easy +in my mind. I enjoys the feel of them soft +seats and yet I gets sort of uneasy setting +amongst so many strange white folks. Still, +there ain't nobody telling me to roust myself +out from there and after a while I gets +more used to being where I now is. Also +I gets acquainted with two of the porters, +the one on our car and the one on the car +which is hitched on next to us. When they +ain't busy, we all three gets out in the little +porches betwixt the cars and confabs together. +'Course I don't let on to them, but +all the time I studies them two boys.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span> + +The one on our car, which his given name +is Roscoe, is short and chunky and kind of +fatted out; he's black as the pots and powerful +nappy-headed besides. His head looks +like somebody has done dipped it in a kettle +of grease and then throwed a handful of +buckshot at it and they all stuck. But he's +smart; he knows what's service. I sees that +plain.</div> + +<p>With Roscoe it's this way: A lady gets +on board the car. No sooner does she sit +down and begin to fumble with the hat-pins +than there's old Roscoe standing right +alongside of her holding a big paper bag +in his hands all opened out for her to put +her hat in it and keep it out of the dust. A +gentleman setting in the smoking-room +reaches in his pocket and gets a cigar out. +Before he rightly can bite the end of it off, +here is this here same Roscoe at his elbow +with a match ready. Roscoe he ain't hanging +back waiting for folks to ask him for +something and then have them getting all +fretful whilst he's running to find whatever +'tis they wants. No sir, not him. He's +there with the materials almost before they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span> +is made up their minds what it is they +craves next. He just naturally beats 'em +to it; which I'll tell the world that's service.</p> + +<p>He's powerful crafty about his tips, too. +When he does something for a passenger +and the passenger reaches in his pocket to +get a little piece of chicken-feed out to hand +over to Roscoe, he smiles and holds up his +hand.</p> + +<p>"No, suh," he says to him, "keep yore +funds whar they now is, please, suh. There +ain't no hurry—we're goin' travel quite a +piece together. W'en we gits to whar you +gits off, ef you is puffec'ly satisfied wid all +whut has been done in yore behalf then you +kin slip me a lil' reward, ef you's a-mind to."</p> + +<p>He tells me in confidences that working it +that-a-way he gets dollars where he would +a-got dimes. He calls it his deferred payment +plan. He says some months his tips +run three times what his wages is. I'll say +that old tar-baby certainly is got something +in his head besides sockets for his teeth to +set in.</p> + +<p>The other porter, the one which is on the +car next behind, is as different from Roscoe<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> +as day is from night. He calls himself +Harold. But I knows just from looking at +him that he's too old for such a fancy entitlement +as that. 'Cause Harold is a new-issue +name amongst us colored, and this +here boy must be rising of forty years old, +if he's a day. This Harold is yellow-complected +and yet he ain't the pure high yellow, +neither; he's more the shade of a slice +of scorched sponge cake. He's plenty uppidity. +And I takes notice that the further +North the train goes the more uppidity he +gets. He quits saying "No, ma'am," and +"Yas, suh," almost before we leaves Cincinnati. +He quits saying "Thanky, <i>suh</i>," +and he starts saying "<i>I</i> thank you," in such +a way it sounds like he was actually doing +you a favor to accept your two bits. He +starts talking back to passengers which complains +about something. He acts more and +more begrudgeful until it looks like it must +actually hurt him to step along and do something +which somebody on the train wants +done. Along about Pittsburgh he's got so +brash that I keeps watching for some white +man to rise up and knock that boy's mouth<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span> +so far round from the middle of his face +it'll look like his side-entrance. But nothing +like that don't happen and I is most +deeply surprised and marvels greatly. I +says to myself, I says:</p> + +<p>"Harold," I says, "I aims to git yore likeness +well fixed in my mind 'cause I got a +presentermint 'at you ain't goin' be 'round +yere so very much longer an' I wants to be +able to remember how you looked, after you +is gone frum us. Some these times you is +goin' git yore system mixed an' start bein' +biggotty on yore way South an' 'en you is +due to wake up at the end of yore run all +organized to attend yore own fune'l. Yas, +suh, man, w'en you comes to in Newerleans +you'll a-been daid fully twelve hours. I +kin jest shut my eyes right now an' see the +cemetery sexton pattin' you in the face wid +a spade."</p> + +<p>I talks to him about the way he acts. +Course I does not come right out and ask +him about it; but I leads him up to it gentle +and roundabout. He tells me he don't aim +to let nobody run over him. He tells me he +considers himself just as good as they is, if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span> +not better. He says he lives in a place +called Jersey City where the colored race +gets their bounden rights and if they don't +get 'em they up and contends for 'em until +they do. I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Harold," I says, "I ain't never been +about nowhars much till this present trip +an' I ain't never seen much, so you must excuse +of my ign'ence but the way it looks to +me, I'd ruther be happy amongst niggers +then miser'ble amongst w'ite folks."</p> + +<p>He says to me ain't I got no respect for +my color? I says to him I's got so much +respect for it that I ain't aiming to jam myself +into places where I ain't desired. He +says that ain't the point; he says the point is +that I is got to stand up for the entitled +rights and privileges of the colored race. I +says where I comes from I also has got to +think about keeping from getting my head +all peeled. He says to me I'll find out before +I has been long up North that there is +a sight of difference betwixt Kentucky and +New Jersey. I says to him that most doubtless +he is right. And then he says I should +also be careful about speaking the word<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> +"nigger." He says the word ain't never +used no more amongst colored folks which +respects themselves. I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Huh!" I says. "Well, then, whut does +you call a boy w'en you's blabbin' 'long wid +him friendly-lak?"</p> + +<p>He says it is different when I is strictly +amongst my own color, but that I mustn't +never speak the word "nigger" in front of +white folks nor never allow no white man +to call me that and get away with it.</p> + +<p>I says:</p> + +<p>"Not even ef you is wu'kin' fur him an' +he don't call it to you to hurt yore feelin's +nor to demean you but jest sez it sociable +an' so-an'-so?"</p> + +<p>He says:</p> + +<p>"Not under no circumstances whutsomever."</p> + +<p>I says:</p> + +<p>"How is I goin' stop him?"</p> + +<p>He says:</p> + +<p>"Wid yore fists. Or half of a loose brick. +Or somethin'."</p> + +<p>I says to Harold:</p> + +<p>"Harold," I says, "you shore wuz right<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> +jest now w'en you norrated 'at they wuz a +diff'ience betwixt Kintucky an' up-North. +Well, live an' learn," I says, "live an' learn. +Only, ef I aims to learn frum you I has +doubts whether I'll live so ver' much +longer."</p> + +<p>We talks some more about making +money, too. It seems like the closer you +gets to New York City the more you thinks +about money. I noticed it then and I notices +it since, frequent. He says to me that some +of the boys in the sleeping-car portering +business don't depend just on their wages +and their tips alone. He says they has another +way for to pick up loose change. He +says he don't follow after it himself; he says +he has got one or two other boys in mind +which he has talked with 'em and knows +how they does it.</p> + +<p>I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Specify?"</p> + +<p>He says:</p> + +<p>"The way these yere boys gits they money +is 'at they gits it late at night after ever'body +has done went to baid. Most gin'elly a man +'at's travelin' he don't keep track of his loose<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span> +change. Anyhow, he don't keep near ez +close track of it ez he do w'en he's home. +He's buyin' hisse'f a cigar yere an' a paper-back +book there an' a apple in this place an' +a sandwitch in 'at place, an' he jest stick the +change in his pants pocket an' goes on 'bout +his bus'ness. Well, come baid-time, he +turns in. We'll say you is the porter on his +car. You goes th'ough the car till you +comes to his berth. You parts the curtains +jest ez easy ez you kin an' you peeps in +th'ough the crack an' see ef he's sleepin' +good. Ef his pants is all folded up smooth +you better ramble along an' leave 'at man +be. Folded pants is most gine'lly a sign of +a careful man w'ich the chances is he knows +how much he's got to a cent. But ef his +pants is kind of wadded-up in the lil' hammock +or flung to one side sort of keerless-lak, +you reaches in an' you lifts 'em out. +But fust you wants to be shore he's sleepin' +sound. Them w'ich sleeps on the back wid +the mouth open is the safetest."</p> + +<p>I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Yes, but s'posen' he do wake up an' ketch<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> +you fumblin' 'round insides of his berth. +Whut then?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," he says, "tha's all purvided fur in +the ritual. You sez to him: ''Scuse me, +mister, I med a mistake. I thought you +wuz the gen'lman 'at lef' a early call fur to +git off at Harrisburg.' But most in gine'l +he don't wake up. So you gits his pants out +into the aisle an' goes th'ough 'em. Ef he's +got somewhars 'round five dollars in loose +change in his pockets, you teks fifty cents, +no mo' an' no less, an' 'en you slips his pants +back whar you found 'em an' go 'long. Ef +he's got somewhars 'round ten dollars in +chicken-feed an' in ones an' twos, you assesses +him dues of jest one dollar even. Ef you +plays yore system right an' don't git greedy +they ain't one chanc't in a thousand 'at he'll +miss the money w'en he wakes up. But," he +says, "they's one fatal exception to the rule. +W'en you come to him, don't touch a cent +of his money no matter how much he's carryin' +on him. 'Cause ef you do he's shore +to mek a hollow the very fust thing in the +mornin' an' next thing you know you's in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> +trouble an' they's beckonin' you up on the +cyarpet."</p> + +<p>I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Wait a minute," I says. "Lemme see ef +I can't name you the exception my own se'f. +The exception," I says, "is the w'ite man +w'ich he carries all his small change in one +of these yere lil' screwed-up leather purses. +Ain't it?"</p> + +<p>And he says yes, for a fact, that's so. But +he says how come I is knowing so much +when I ain't never done no portering my +own self. And I says to him, a man don't +need to be wearing railroading clothes to +know that any white man which totes +around one of them little tight patent purses +knows at all times, sleeping or waking, just +exactly how much money he's got.</p> + +<p>Well, when we gets to New York City +it's morning again. When we comes out of +the depot onto the street I takes one look +round and I allows to myself that these here +New York folks certainly is got powerfully +behind someway with their hauling. Excusing +the time we had the cyclone down +home, I ain't never in my whole life seen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> +so much truck and stuff and things moving +in all different directions at the same time. +And people—<i>who-ee</i>! Every which-a-way +I looks all I can see is a multitude of strangers. +And I says to myself there certainly +must be a big convention going on in this +town for the streets to be so full of visiting +delegates and it's a mighty good thing for +us Mr. Dallas is done sent a telegram on +ahead for rooms at the hotel, else we'd have +to camp out with some private family same +as they does down home in county-fair week +or when the district Methodist conference +meets.</p> + +<p>The white gentleman that's going to fix +up what I writes, he told me that I should +set down my first impressions of New York +before I begins to forget 'em. He says +they'll make good local color, whatever that +is. Which I will now do so:</p> + +<p>The thing which impresses me first and +foremost is a steamboat I sees on the river +which runs alongside New York City on +the side nearest to Paducah. She is not no +side-wheeler nor yet she ain't no stern-wheeler, +which all the steamboats I has ever<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span> +seen before is naturally bound to be one or +the other. As near as I can tell, she has not +got no wheel at all, side- or stern-. It would +seem that what runs her is a kind of a big +hump-back timber which sticks up out of +the middle of her hurricane deck and works +up and down, and which Mr. Dallas tells +me is known as a walking-beam. But it +seems like to me that's certainly a most curiousome +way to run a steamboat and I says +to myself that wonders will never cease!</p> + +<p>And the thing which impresses me next +most is a snack-stand on a sidewalk where +they is selling watermelons by the slice—and +it the middle of August!</p> + +<p>And next to that the most impressiveness +is when I sees a gang of black fellows working +on a levee down by this same river, only +it's mighty flat-looking for a levee. These +boys is working there roustabouting freight, +and there ain't a single one of 'em which is +singing as he goes back and forth. When a +river-nigger down our way don't sing whilst +he's loading, it's a sign something is wrong +with him and next thing he knows he don't +know nothing by reason of the mate having<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> +lammed him across the head with a hickory +gad. But this here gang is going along just +as dumb as if they was white. I wonders +to myself if thereby they is hoping to fool +somebody into believing they is white?</p> + +<p>I will therefore state that these three +things is the things which impresses me the +most highly on my first arrival in New +York. I also takes notice of the high buildings. +They strikes me as being quite high; +but of course when you starts in to build a +high building, highness is naturally what +you aims for, ain't it?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter III</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Manhattan Isle</i></div> + + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>THE day we gets to New York is the +day before yesterday and we has +been on the go so constant ever since +and I has seen so much it seems like my +ideas is all mixed up together same as a +mess of scrambled eggs. The way it looks +to me, the mainest difficulty with an author, +especially if he's kind of new at the authorizing +business, is not so much to find something +to write up as 'tis to pick out the +special things which should be wrote up +and just leave the rest be. So it is now my +aim to set forth the main points which +sticks out in my mind.</div> + +<p>Well, first off, soon as we gets in, we goes +to the hotel. Beforehand, Mr. Dallas he +says to me it's a quiet hotel up-town; but +when we arrives at it I takes a look around +and I says to myself that if this here is a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span> +quiet hotel they shore must have to wear +ear-mufflers at one of the noisy ones if they +hopes to hear themselves think. To begin +with, she don't look like no hotel I've ever +been used to. She rears herself away up in +the air, same as a church steeple, only with +windows all the way up, and although the +weather is pleasant there is not no white +folks setting in chairs under the front gallery. +In the first place, there is not nothing +which looks like a gallery, excusing it's a +little glass to-do which sticks out over the +pavement at the main entrance, and if anybody +was to try setting there the only way +he could save his feet from being mashed +off by people trampling on 'em would be +for him to have both legs sawed off at the +ankles. You'd think that, being up-town, +the neighborhood would be kind of quiet, +with shade trees and maybe some vacant +lots here and there, but, no, sir; it's all built +up solid and the crowds is mighty near as +thick as what they was down around the +depot and in just as much of a hurry to get +to wherever it is they is bound for.</p> + +<p>Even with all the jamming and all the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> +excitement going on they must a-been expecting +us. The way they fusses over Mr. +Dallas is proof to my mind that somebody +must a-told 'em in advance that he belongs +to the real quality down where we comes +from, and I certainly is puffed up with +pride to be along with him. Because if he +had been the King of Europe they could not +have showed him no higher honors than +what they does.</p> + +<p>No sooner does we pull up at the curb-stone +in front than a huge big tall white +man dressed up something like a Knights +of Templar is opening the taxihack door +for us to get out; and two or three white +boys in militia suits comes a-running at his +call and snatches the baggage away from +me; and another member of the Grand +Lodge, in full uniform, is standing just inside +the front door to give us the low bow of +welcome as we walks into a place which it +is all done up with marble posts and with +red wallpaper on the walls and gold +chicken-coops on every side until it puts me +in mind of a country nigger's notion of +Heaven. Over at the clerk's enclosure three<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> +white men is waiting very eager to receive +us, which each and every one of 'em is wearing +his dress-up clothes with a standing collar +and long-tailed coat the same as though +he was fixing to be best man at a wedding or +pall-bearer at a funeral or something else +extra special and fancy. For all it's summer-time +there is not nobody loafing round +there in his shirt sleeves—I bet you there +ain't!</p> + +<p>One of the pall-bearing gentlemen shoves +the book round for Mr. Dallas to write his +name in it and the second one he reaches for +the keys and the third one he looks to see +if there is not some mail or telegrams for +him. It takes no lessen a number than three +of them white boys in the soldier clothes to +escort Mr. Dallas upstairs and a fourth +one he grabs up my valise and takes me on +an elevator to the servants' annex. He don't +have to run the elevator himself, neither. +There's another hand just to do that alone +and all my white boy is got to do is wrestle +my baggage. It's the first time in my life +ever I has had a white person toting my belongings +for me and it makes me feel kind<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> +of abovish and important. Also, I takes +notice that when he gets to my room he +keeps hanging round fussing with the window +shade and first one thing and then another, +same as if he was one of the bell-boys +at the hotel down home waiting on a traveling +man. Course he's lingering round till he +gets his tip. For quite a spell I lets him +linger on and suffer. I lets on like I don't +suspicion what he's hanging about that-a-way +for. Then I slips him two-bits and I +don't begrudge it to him, neither, account +of it giving me such a satisfactory feeling to +be high-toning a white boy.</p> + +<p>I says to myself that if this here is the +annex where they boards the transom<a name="FNanchor_2_4" id="FNanchor_2_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_4" class="fnanchor">[2]</a> help, +what must the main part of the hotel where +the regular guests stays at be like? Because +my room certainly is mighty stylish-looking +and full of general grandeur. But I ain't +got no time to be staying there and enjoying +the furniture, because I knows Mr. Dallas +will be needing me for to come and wait on +him. So I starts right out to find him and +it seems like I travels half a mile through +them hallways before I does so. He's got a +big setting-room all to himself and a fashionable +bedroom and a special bath and a +little special hall and all.</p> + +<p>I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dallas, they shore must be monstrous +set-up over havin' you pick out they +hotel fur us to stop at. Look how the reception +committee turned out fur you downstairs +in full regalia? Look how they mouty +nigh broke they necks fur to usher you in in +due state? And now ef they ain't done gone +an' 'sign you to the bridal chamber an' give +you the upstairs parlor fur yore own use, +mo' over! It p'intedly indicates to me 'at +they sets a heap of store by you."</p> + +<p>He sort of laughs at that.</p> + +<p>"Why, Jeff," he says, "if you think this is +a fine lay-out you should see some of the +other <i>suites</i> they have here."</p> + +<p>I says:</p> + +<p>"I ain't cravin' to see 'em. I done seen +sweetness 'nuff ez 'tis. They su'ttinly is +usin' us noble."</p> + +<p>He says they should ought to use us noble<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span> +seeing what the price is they charges us. +He says:</p> + +<p>"Do you know what I'm paying here for +the accommodations for the two of us? I'm +paying twenty-seven dollars and a half."</p> + +<p>I says to him if that's the case he better +let me clear out of there right brisk and +skirmish round and find me a respectable +colored boarding house somewheres handy +by, so's to cut down the expenses, because, I +don't care what anybody says, twenty-seven +dollars and a half is a sight of money to be +paying out every week.</p> + +<p>He says:</p> + +<p>"Twenty-seven and a half a week—huh! +Remember, Jeff, we are in New York now +where everything runs high. This stands +me twenty-seven and a half a day."</p> + +<p>I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"<i>Who-ee!</i>" I says. "No wonder they kin +purvide fancy garments fur all the hands +an' buy solid gold bars fur the cage whar +they keeps them clerks penned up. Mr. +Dallas," I says, "it shore is behoovin' on +us to eat hearty th'ee times a day in awder<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span> +fur to git our money's worth whilst we's +boardin' yere."</p> + +<p>He says, though, for me not to overtax +my appetite just on that account because the +eating is besides; he says we pays twenty-seven +dollars and a half a day just for our +rooms.</p> + +<p>I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dallas, let's git out of yere befo' +they begins chargin' us up fur the air we +breathes!"</p> + +<p>He says:</p> + +<p>"You're too late with your suggestion; +they do charge us for that. The air is all +cleaned and cooled before it comes into +these rooms."</p> + +<p>Then I knows for sure he is burlesqueing +me. Who's going to hold the air whilst +they cleans it? And the Good Lord Himself +can't chill air to order in the middle of +a August hot spell, let alone a lot of folks +running a hotel—can He? I asks Mr. Dallas +them questions.</p> + +<p>But he just laughs and say to me that +there's not no need to worry, because he +won't be staying there only just a day or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span> +so. He says Mr. H. C. Raynor, which is +his principalest friend in New York and +the one which he's thinking about maybe +going into business with, has done devised +for us to hire some ready-furnished quarters +still higher up-town. He says something +about 'em being Sublette quarters in a department-house; +leastwise that's what I +makes out of what he says. That's news to +me in more ways than one because, in the +first place, I didn't know any of the Sublettes, +which is a very plentiful white connection +in our county, had done moved up +here to live, and in the second place it +seemed like to me there just naturally +couldn't be no more up-town to New York +City than what I already had done observed +coming from the train.</p> + +<p>He goes on to say he is expecting to hear +from the gentleman almost any minute now +and then he'll know better what the program +is. Almost before he gets the words +out of his mouth the telephone bell rings +and sure enough, it is this here Mr. Raynor +which is on the wire, and it turns out that +the place where we're going is ready for us<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span> +now on account of the folks which owns it +having gone away sooner than what they +expected, and the further tidings is that we +can move up there that same day, which we +does—along about an hour before supper-time. +I notices they don't make near as +much fuss over us going thence from there +as they did whilst ushering of us in. I +judges the man what owns the hotel must +be feeling kind of put-out about losing of +all that there money which we'd be paying +him had we a-stayed on.</p> + +<p>We gets into a taxihack and we rides for +what seems like to me it's several miles and +still are not nowheres near the outskirts as +far as I can judge, and when finally we +gets to the new location I has another astonishment. +For here all day I've been +expecting we'd land at a private residence +but this place to which we've come at don't +look like no private residence to me. It's +more like the hotel we just left only more +bigger and mighty near as tall. In all other +respects additional it certainly is a grand +establishment.</p> + +<p>It's got a kind of a private road so's carriages<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span> +can drive in under shelter off the +sidewalk and 'way back inside is a round +piece of ground all fixed up with solid +marble benches and little cedar trees and +flowerbeds, like a cemetery. I thinks to +myself that maybe this here is the private +burying-plot for the owner's family; but +still there ain't no tombstones in sight excepting +one over the front door with words +cut on it, and since I figures I has done +showed ignorance enough for one day, I +don't ask no fool questions about it. The +help here also wears fancy clothes, but is +my own color. I'm glad of that because I +counts now on having some black folks to +get acquainted with and to talk to; but just +as soon as one of 'em opens his mouth and +speaks I knows they is not my kind even if +they is my complexion. Because he don't +talk like no white folks ever I knowed and +yet he don't talk like none of the black folks +does at home. Still, just from his conversation +I can place him. There was two just +like him which was brought along once by +a Northern family staying in our town but +they didn't linger long amongst us. They<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span> +didn't like the place and no more the place +didn't like them. They claimed they was +genuine West Indians, whatever that is, and +they made their brags constant that they +also was British subjects. But Aunt Dilsey +Turner she always said they looked more +like objects to her. Aunt Dilsey, which she +was Judge Priest's cook for going on twenty +years, is mighty plain-spoken about folks +and things which she don't fancy. And she +did not fancy these two none whatsomever.</p> + +<p>When we gets upstairs to our section I'm +sort of disappointed in it. The furniture +ain't new and shiny like what I naturally +expected 'twould be. Most of it is kind of +old and dingy and hacked-up-looking. The +curtains at the setting-room windows is all +frayed-like and mighty near wore through +in spots. And the Sublette family must +a-run out of money before they got round to +buying the carpets because they is not no +carpets at all but only a passel of old faded +rugs scattered about the floor here and +there. Some of the chairs—the best company +chairs, too—is so old they is actually +decrepit. I'd say that by rights they belonged<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span> +in a second-hand store, or leastways +up in the attic. Moreover, they ain't no upstairs +to our department nor yet there is not +no downstairs nor no cellar, but instead, +everything, kitchen, pantry, and the rooms +for the help and all, runs on one floor. But +Mr. Dallas he deports himself like he is +satisfied and it ain't for me to be finding +fault if he sees fitten not to find any.</p> + +<p>Anyway, I is so busy for a little while +flying round and getting things unpacked +that I has no time to utter complaints. +Pretty soon, though, I has to knock off +hanging up Mr. Dallas' suits to mix a batch +of cocktails from the private stock he has +brought along with him in one of his trunks, +because this here Mr. Raynor he telephones +he's bringing some of his friends for a round +of drinks with Mr. Dallas and then Mr. +Raynor says they'll ride out in his motor-car +to a road-house to get 'em some dinner. +I takes his message off the telephone and I +knows that's what he says, surprising though +it do sound.</p> + +<p>That's a couple of new ones on me—eating +dinner when it's already mighty near<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span> +past supper-time and eating it at a road-house, +too! I says to myself that New York +City is getting to act more curiouser to me +every minute I stays in it. Because the +only road-house ever I knowed of by that +name used to stand alongside the toll-gate +just outside the corporation limits on the +Mayfield road and the old white man +which collected the tolls lived in it, his +name being Mr. Gip Bayless. But the gate +is done torn down since the public government +taken over the gravel roads, and anyhow, +even in its most palmiest days, none of +the quality wouldn't never think of stopping +there at that little old rusty house for their +vittles. They'd mighty near as soon think +of having a picnic at the pest-house.</p> + +<p>Still and notwithstanding, Mr. Dallas +ain't indicating no surprise when I conveys +to him what Mr. Raynor says, so I reflects +to myself that if toll-gate houses up here is +in proportion to everything else this one +which they're aiming to go to, must probably +be about the size of a county courthouse, +with a slate roof on it and doubtless +a cupola. So I just gets busy and mingles<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span> +up a batch of powerful tasty cocktails in the +shaker. I knows they is tasty from a couple +of private samples which I pours off for +myself out in the pantry. My experience +has been that the only way you can tell is a +cocktail just right is to taste it from time to +time as you goes along.</p> + +<p>Immediately soon here comes Mr. Raynor +with his friends which there is four of +them, besides himself—one other gentleman +named Bellows and three ladies. One of +the ladies is older than the other two, but +decorated more younger, if anything, than +what they is. Introducing her to Mr. Dallas, +Mr. Raynor says her name is Mrs. Gaylord +but they all calls her Jerry. She's +pretty near entirely out of eyebrows, but she +has got more than a bushel of hair which is +all kind of frozen-looking and curled up +tight on her head. It don't look natural to +me and I knows it ain't natural a little bit +later when Mr. Raynor sets down on the +arm of her chair and throws his arm around +her sort of offhand and sociable-like, and +she up and tells him for Heaven's sake to be +careful and not muss her up because she<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span> +says she's only just that day spent forty dollars +and four hours getting a permanent +wave put in.</p> + +<p>At that I says to myself, I says:</p> + +<p>"Well, betwixt w'ites an' blacks we su'ttinly +is mekin' the world safe fur them +beauty doctors. Niggers down South +spendin' all the money they kin rake an' +scrape togither gittin' the kinkiness tuck out +of they haids an' fashionable ladies up yere +spendin' their'n gittin' it put in! It's a compliment +to one race or the other, but jest +w'ich I ain't purpared to say."</p> + +<p>The other ladies is named Miss O'Brien +and Miss DeWitt but it's kind of hard for +me at first to remember which from which +seeing that the rest of the party scarcely +ever calls 'em anything except Pat and Bill-Lee. +They is both mighty nice and friendly +but they is exclusively different one from +the other. Miss Pat she's got her hair +chopped off short like a little boy's and she +acts kind of like a boy does, too—free and +easy and laughing a lot and smoking a cigarette +so natural that it's like as if she must +a-been born with one in her mouth and it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span> +lighted. And yet for all that, I seems to +get the impression that way down underneath +she's kind of tired of herself and +everything around her.</p> + +<p>But this here Miss DeWitt she is tall and +slender and kind of quiet. She must a-been +feeling poorly lately because her face is +just dead-white and her lips is still bright +red from the fever and when she sets down +in a chair she just seems to kind of fall back +into it, all limp-like. She ain't saying much +with her mouth but she does a sight of talking +with her eyes which is big and black +and sort of lazy-like most of the +time. She sure is decked up with jewelry +like the Queen of Sheba, too. She's got big +heavy necklaces round her neck and great +long ear-rings in her ears and many bracelets +on both her arms. She's even got two +big bracelets clamped round one of her +ankles, which I judges she didn't have room +for 'em nowheres else and so put 'em there +to keep from losing 'em; and when she +moves the jewelry all jingles freely and advertises +her. She walks with a kind of a +limber swimming gait, soft and glideful; of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span> +course it ain't exactly like swimming and +yet that's the only way I can designate what +her walking puts me in mind of. She wears +dead black clothes and that makes her paleness +seem all the more so.</p> + +<p>Right from the first jump I can see that +Mr. Dallas is drawed to her powerful, and +I thinks to myself that if he's fixing to favor +this here languid lady with his attentions it +proves he's got a changeable taste because +she ain't nothing at all similar to Miss Henrietta +Farrell, which she is the one that he's +been courting these past few months down +in Kentucky. In fact, she's most teetotally +unsimilar.</p> + +<p>This Mr. Bellows which came with Mr. +Raynor he don't detain my attention much. +If he wasn't there you wouldn't scarcely +miss him; and when he is there you don't +scarcely observe him. He makes me think +of a neat haircut and nothing else. You +just appreciate him being present and that's +all. But I studies Mr. Raynor every chance +I gets, the more especially because he's the +one which is more or less responsible for us +having come North. He's very cheering in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span> +his ways; laughing and whooping out loud +at everything and poking fun and telling +Mr. Dallas that he must be good friends +with Mr. Bellows and the three ladies because +they is all four of 'em his friends. +But I takes note that when he laughs he +don't laugh with his eyes but only with his +mouth, and when he sort of smiles to himself, +quiet-like, it puts me in mind of a man +drawing a knife. I can't keep from having +a kind of a feeling when I looks at him!</p> + +<p>Well, they imbibes up all the cocktails +that I has waiting for them and a batch +more which I makes by request and then +they packs up a couple of bottles—one +Scotch and one Bourbon—to take along +with 'em for to refresh themselves with at +the road-house and off they puts. And the +last thing I hears as they goes down the hall +is Mr. Raynor still laughing from off the +top of his palates and the sickly one, Miss +DeWitt's necklaces and things all jingling +like a road-gang. Mr. Dallas he calls back +to me from the elevator that I needn't wait +up for him because it is liable to be pretty +late when he gets in. But it's a good thing I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span> +does wait up, dozing off and on between +times, because when he arrives back, along +about half past three in the morning, he certainly +does need my assistance getting his +clothes off of him. Not since Dryness come +in has I seen a young white gentleman more +thoroughly overtaken than what he is. And +we got a-plenty vigorous drinkers down our +way, too! And always did have!</p> + +<p>So then I goes to bed myself and that's +the end of our first day. And the following +day, which it was yesterday, is the day +I gets lost.</p> + +<p>Which I will tell about that, next.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter IV</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Harlem Heights</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>WELL, in the morning I arranges a +snack of nuturious breakfast on a +tray and takes it in to Mr. Dallas. +But he ain't craving nothing solid to eat. +He's just craving to lay still and favor his +headache. Soon as he opens his eyes he +starts in groaning like he's done got far behind +with his groaning and is striving for +to catch up. And I knows he must a-felt +powerful good last night to be feeling so +bad this morning. Misery may love company, +as some say it do, but I takes notice +that very often she don't arrive till after the +company is gone.</div> + +<p>He tells me to take them vittles out of his +sight and fix him up about a gallon of good +cold ice-water and set it alongside his bed +in easy reach and then I can leave him be +where he is and go on out for awhile and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span> +seek amusement looking at the sights and +scenes of New York City. But when I gets +to the door he calls out to me I better make +it two gallons. Which I knows by that he +ain't so far gone but what he still can joke.</p> + +<p>So I goes on out, just strolling along in a +general direction, a-looking at this and admiring +of that; and there certainly is a heap +for to see and for to admire. The houses is +so tall it seems like the sky is resting almost +on the tops of 'em and it's mighty near the +bluest sky and the clearest ever I seen. It +makes you want to get up there and fly +round in it. But down below in the street +there ain't so very much brightness by reasons +of the buildings being so high they +cuts off the daylight somewhat. It's like +walking through a hollow betwixt steep +hills.</p> + +<p>People is stirring around every which-a-way, +both on foot and in automobiles; +and most of the automobiles is all shined +up nice and clean like as if the owners was +going to take part in an automobile parade +in connection with the convention. Everybody +is extensively well-dressed, too, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span> +most all is wearing a kind of a brooding +look like they had family troubles at home +or something else to pester 'em. And they +ain't stopping one another when they meets +and saying ain't it a lovely morning and +passing the time of day, like we does down +home. Even some of them which comes +out of the same house together just goes +bulging on without a word to nobody, and +I remarks to myself that a lot of the neighbors +in this district must a-had a falling-out +amongst themselves and quit speaking. +The children on the sidewalk ain't playing +much together, neither. Either they plays +off by themselves or they just walks along +with their keepers.</p> + +<p>And there is almost as many dogs as there +is children, mostly small, fool-looking dogs; +and the dogs is all got keepers, too, dragging +'em on chains and jerking 'em up +sharp when they tries to linger and smell +round for strange smells and confab with +passing dogs. Near as I can make out, the +dogs here ain't allowed to behave like regulation +dogs, and the children mainly tries +to act like as if they was already growed-up,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span> +and the growed-up ones has caught the +prevailing glumness disease and I is approximately +almost the only person in sight +that's getting much enjoyment out of being +in New York.</p> + +<p>All of a sudden I hears the dad-blamedest +<i>blim-blamming</i> behind me. I turns +round quick and here comes the New York +City paid fire department going to a fire. +The biggest fire-engine ever I sees goes +scooting by, tearing the road wide open and +making a most awful racket. Right behind +comes the hook-and-ladder wagon +with the firemen hanging onto both sides +of it, trying to stick fast and put their rubber +coats on at the same time; and right behind +it comes a big red automobile, <i>licketty-split</i>. +Setting up alongside the driver +of it is a gentleman in blue clothes and +brass buttons, which he's got a big cigar +clamped betwixt his teeth and looks highly +important. But he ain't wearing a flannel +shirt open at the throat, but has got his +coat on and it buttoned up, so I assumes it +can't be the chief of the department but +probably must be the mayor. And in lessen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span> +no time they all has swung off into a +side street, two squares away, with me taking +out after 'em down the middle of the +street fast as I can travel.</p> + +<p>Now, every town where I've been at +heretofore to this, when the fire-bell rings +everybody drops whatever they is doing +and goes to the fire. Elsewhere from New +York, enjoying fires is one of the main +pleasures of people; but soon I is surprised +to see that I'm pretty near the only person +which is trailing along after the department. +Whilst I'm still wondering over +this circumstance, but still running also, a +police grabs me by the arm and asks me +where is I going in such a big hurry?</p> + +<p>I tells him I is going to the fire. And he +says to me that I might as well slow up +and save my breath because it's liable to be +quite a long trip for me. I asks him how +come, and he says the fire is probably three +or four miles from here and maybe even +considerable further than that. And I +says to him, that must make it mighty inconvenient +for all concerned, having the +fires so far away from the engine-house.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span> +At that he sort of chuckles and tells me to +be on my way, but to keep my eyes open +and not let the cows nibble me. Well, as +I says to myself going away from him, I +may be green, but I is getting some enjoyment +out of being here which is more'n I +can say for some folks round these parts, +judging by what I has seen up to this here +present moment.</p> + +<p>So I meanders along, looking at this and +that, and turning corners every once in +awhile; and after a spell it comes to me +that I has meandered myself into an exceedingly +different neighborhood from the +one I started out from. The houses is not +so tall and is more or less rusty-looking; +and there's a set of railroad tracks running +through, built up on a high trestle; and +whilst there has been a falling-off in dogs +there has been an ample increase in children; +the place just swarms with 'em. These +here children is running loose all over the +sidewalks and out in the streets, too, but it +seems like to me they spends more time +quarreling than what they does playing. +Or maybe it sounds like quarreling because<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span> +they has to hollow so loud on account of all +the noises occurring round 'em.</p> + +<p>I decides to go back, but the trouble is +I don't rightly know which is the right way +to turn. I've been sashaying about so, +first to the right and then to the left, that +I ain't got no more sense of direction than +one of these here patent egg-beaters. So +I rambles on, getting more and more bewilded-like +all the time, till I comes to +another police and I walks up to him and +states my perdicterment to him very polite +and tells him I needs help getting back to +where I belongs at.</p> + +<p>He looks at me very strict, like he can't +make up his mind whether he'd better run +me in for vagromcy or let me go, and then +he says, kind of short:</p> + +<p>"Make it snappy, then. Where d'ye +live?"</p> + +<p>I tells him I has done forgot the name of +the street, if indeed I ever heard it, but +from the looks of it I judges it must be the +chief resident street where the best families +resides. I tells him we has just moved +in there, Mr. Dallas Pulliam and me, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span> +has started up housekeeping in the department-house +which stands on the principal +corner. I tells him it's the department-house +where the inmates all lives in layers, +one upon top of the other, like martins in +a martin box.</p> + +<p>"You mean apartment-house," he says; +"department store, but apartment-house. +Well, what's the name of this apartment-house, +then, if you can't remember the +street?"</p> + +<p>That makes me scratch under my hat, +too. 'Cause I pointedly doesn't know that +neither.</p> + +<p>"Nummine the name, boss," I says, +"jest you, please suh, tell me whar'bouts is +the leadin' apartment-house of this yere +city of Noo Yawk; that'll be it—the leadin'est +one. 'Cause Mr. Dallas Pulliam he +is accustom' to the best whar'ever he go."</p> + +<p>But he only acts like he's getting more +and more impatient with me.</p> + +<p>"Describe it," he says, "describe it! +There's one chance in a thousand that +might help. What does it look like?"</p> + +<p>So I tells him what it looks like—how<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span> +a little private road winds in and circles +round a little place which is like a family-burying-ground, +and about the hands +downstairs at the front door all being from +West Indiana, and about there being two +elevators for the residenters and one more +for the help, and about us having took over +the Sublette family's outfit and all.</p> + +<p>"No use," he says, when I gets through, +"that sounds just like most of the expensive +ones." He starts walking off like he has +done lost all interest in my case. Then he +calls back to me over his shoulder:</p> + +<p>"I'll tell you what's the matter with +you," he says; "you're lost."</p> + +<p>"Yas, suh," I says; "thanky, suh—tha's +whut I been suspicionin' my own se'f," I +says, "but I'm much oblige' you agrees wid +me."</p> + +<p>Still, that ain't helping much, to find out +this here police thinks the same way I does +about it. Whilst I is lingering there wondering +what I better do next, if anything, +I sees a street-car go scooting by up at the +next crossing, and I gets an idea. If street +cars in New York is anything like they is at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span> +home, sooner or later they all turns into +the main street and runs either past the +City Hall or to the Union Depot. So I +allows to myself that go on up yonder +and climb aboard the next car which comes +along and stay on her, no matter how far +she goes, till she swings back off the branch +onto the trunk-line, and watch out then, +and when she goes past our corner drop +off. Doing it that-a-way I figures that +sooner or later I'm bound to fetch up back +home again.</p> + +<p>Anyhow, the scheme is worth trying, +'specially as I can't seem to think of no better +one. So I accordingly does so.</p> + +<p>But I ain't staying on that car so very +long; not more than a mile at the most. +The reason I gets off her so soon is this: +All at once I observes that I is skirting +through a district which is practically exclusively +all colored. On every side I +sees nothing but colored folks, both big and +little. Seemingly, everything in sight is +organized by and for my race—colored +barber-shops, colored undertaking parlors, +colored dentists' offices, colored doctors'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span> +offices. On one corner there is even a +colored vaudeville theatre. And out in +the middle of the streets stands a colored +police. Excusing that the houses is different +and the streets is wider, it's mighty +near the same as being on Plunkett's Hill +of a Saturday evening. I almost expects +to see that there Aesop Loving loafing +along all dressed up fit to kill; or maybe +Red Hoss Shackleford setting in a door-way +following after his regular business of +resting, or old Pappy Exall, the pastor of +Zion Chapel, rambling by, with that big +stomach of his'n sticking out in front of +him like two gallons of chitterlings +wrapped up in a black gunny-sack. It +certainly does fill me with the homesickness +longings!</p> + +<p>And then a big black man on the pavement +opens his mouth wide, nigger-like, +and laughs at something till you can hear +him half-a-mile, pretty near it; which it is +the first sure-enough laugh I has heard +since I hit New York. And right on top +of that I catches the smell of fat meat frying +somewheres.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span></p> + +<p>I just naturally can't stand it no longer. +Anyhow, if I'm predestinated to be lost in +New York City it's better I should be lost +amongst my own kind, which talks my native +language, rather than amongst plumb +strangers. I give the conductor the high +sign and I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Cap'n, lemme off, befo' I jumps off!"</p> + +<p>So he rings the signalling bell and she +stops and lets me off. And verily, before +I has went hardly any distance at all, somebody +hails me. I is wandering along, +sort of miscellaneous, looking in the store +windows and up at the tops of the buildings, +when a brown-complected man steps +up to me and sticks out his hand and he +says:</p> + +<p>"Hello thar', Alfred Ricketts!—whut +you doin' so fur 'way frum ole Lynchburg?"</p> + +<p>I says to him he must a-made a mistake. +And he says:</p> + +<p>"Go on 'way, boy, an' quit yore foolin'! +This is bound to be Alfred Ricketts 'at I +uster know down in Lynchburg, Furginia.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span> +Leas'wise, ef 'tain't him it's his duplicate +twin brother."</p> + +<p>I tells him no, my name ain't Alfred +Ricketts—it's Jeff Poindexter from Paducah, +and I ain't never been in no place +called Lynchburg in my whole life as I +knows of.</p> + +<p>He looks at me a minute in a kind of an +onbelieving way and then he says he begs +my pardon, but his excuse is that I'm the +exact spit-and-image of this here Alfred +Ricketts, which he says he's done played +with him many's the time, when they was +both boys together. He says he ain't never +in all his born days seen two fellows which +they wasn't no kin to each other and yet +looked so much similar as him and me +does. He says the way we favors each +other is absolutely unanimous. He asks +me to tell him again what my name is and +I does so, and then he says to me:</p> + +<p>"Whar'bouts you say you hails frum?"</p> + +<p>I says:</p> + +<p>"Paducah—tha's whar."</p> + +<p>He shakes his head kind of puzzled.</p> + +<p>"Paducah?" he says. "I ain't never<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span> +heared tell of it. Whar is it—Tennessee +or Arkansaw?"</p> + +<p>I pities his ignorance, but I tells him +where Paducah is located at. It seems +like the very sound of the name detains his +curiosity. He just shoots the inquiring +questions at me. He wants to know how +big is Paducah and what is its main business, +and what river is it on or close to, +and what railroads run in there, and a lot +more things. So, seeing he's a seeker after +truth, I pumps him full. I tells him we +not only is got one river at Paducah, we is +got two; and I tells him about what railroads +we've got running in; and about the +big high water of 1913, and about the +night-rider troubles some years before that. +I tells him a heap else besides; mainly recent +doings, such as Judge Priest having +retired, and the Illinois Central having +built up their shops to double size. Then +he excuses himself some more and steps +away pretty brisk, and goes into a colored +billiard parlor, and I continues on my +lonesome way.</p> + +<p>But inside of five minutes another fellow<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span> +speaks to me, and by my own entitled name, +too. Only, this one is a kind of a pale tallow-color +with a lot of gold teeth showing +and very sporty dressed. He comes busting +up to me like he's overjoyed to see me, +and says:</p> + +<p>"Hello, Jeff Poindexter—w'en did you +git yere? You shore is a sight fur the sore +eyes! How you leave ever'body down in +ole Paduke? An' how does yore own +copperosity seem to sagashuate?"</p> + +<p>All the time he's saying this he's clamping +my hand very affectionate, like I was +his long-lost brother or something. I tells +him his manner is familiar, but that I can't +place him. He acts surprised at that—surprised +and sort of hurt-like. He asks +me don't I remember George Harris from +down home? I tells him the onlyest +George Harris of color I remembers is an +old man which he does janiting for the +First National Bank. And he speaks up +very prompt and says that's his uncle which +he is named for him and used to live with +him out by the Illinois Central shops. He +says he really don't blame me so much for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span> +not placing him, because he left there it's +going on eight or nine years ago just before +the big high water; but he claims he used +to meet me frequent, and says I ain't +changed much from the time when I used +to be working for Judge Priest. He says +he's sure he'd a-recognized me if he'd a-met +up with me in China, let alone it's New +York. He says he's been living up North +for quite a spell now, and is chief owner +of a pants-pressing emporium down the +street a piece, and has a fine trade and is +doing well. And then, before I can get a +stray word in edgeways, he goes on to speak +of several important things which has happened +down home of late. I breaks in and +asks him how come he keeps such close +track of events 'way down there seeing he's +been away so long; and he says he's just +naturally so dog-gone fond of that town he +subscribes regular for one of the local +papers and reads it faithful and hence that's +how come he keeps up so well with what's +going on.</p> + +<p>"W'ich, speakin' of papers, 'minds me +of somethin'," he says; "it 'minds me 'at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span> +on 'count of readin' the papers so stiddy I +has a sweet streak of luck comin' to me this +ver' day. I'd lak to tell you 'bout it, Poindexter?"</p> + +<p>"Perceed," I says, "perceed."</p> + +<p>"I'm goin' to," he says, "but s'posen' fust +we gits in off this yere street an' sets down +somewhars whar we kin be comfor'able +an' not be interrupted. Trouble wid me +is," he says, "I knows so dad-blame many +people round yere, bein' prominent in business +the way I is, 'at ef I stands still more'n +a minute somebody is shore to be comin' +up an' slappin' me on the back. Does you +feel lak a light snack, Poindexter?"</p> + +<p>Well, it's getting to be close onto eleven +o'clock now and I has not et nothing since +breakfast except fifteen cents' worth of peanut +candy, so I tells him I is agreeable. +We goes into a restaurant run by, for and +with colored, and we sets down by ourselves +off at a little table and he insists that he's +doing the paying-for on account of my being +a boy from his old home-town, and he +says for me to go the limit, ordering. So +I calls for a bone sirloin and some fried<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span> +potatoes and coffee and a mess of hot biscuits +and a piece of mushmelon and one +thing and another. It seems like, though, +he ain't got much appetite himself. He +takes just a cup of coffee, and whilst I is +eating all of that provender of his generous +providing, he tells me about this here +streak of luck which has come his way.</p> + +<p>First off, he begins by asking me has I +heard tell about the Colored Arabian +Prince, which he is now staying in New +York? I says no. He says then I will +be hearing about him if I sojourns long, because +the Colored Arabian Prince is the +talk of one and all. He's stopping at the +Palace Afro-American Hotel, and he's got +more money than what he can spend, and +he's going round the world studying how +black folks lives in every clime, and he's +got thousands and thousands of dollars +worth of jewelry which he wears constant. +But the piece of jewelry which he prizes +as the most precious of all, he lost it only +yesterday; which it is a solid gold pin +shaped like a four-leaf clover with a +genuine real Arabian ruby set in the middle<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span> +of it. This here gold-tooth boy he tells +me this while I is sauntering through the +steak. And I can tell from the way he +says it that he's leading up to something.</p> + +<p>"Yas-suh," he says, "yistiddy is w'en he +lose it. An' this mornin' he's got a advertisement +notice inserted in the cullid +newspapers sayin' ez how he stan' ready +an' willin' to pay fifty dollars fur its return +to the hotel whar he is stoppin' at, an' +no questions asted. An' yere 'bout half-an-hour +befo' I runs into you, I'm walkin' +'long the street right up yere a lil' ways, an' +I sees somethin' shiny layin' in the gutter +an' I stoops down an' picks it up, an' ef it +ain't the Cullid Arabian Prince's four-leaf +clover pin, dog-gone me! An' yere it is, +safe an' sound."</p> + +<p>And with that he reach in his pocket and +pull it out and let me look at it a brief +second. And I says to him that I don't begrudge +him his good luck none, only I +wishes it might a-been me which had found +it, because fifty dollars would come in +mighty handy. Then I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"I s'pose you is now on yore way to hand<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span> +him back his belongin' an' claim the reward?"</p> + +<p>But he shakes his head kind of dubiousome.</p> + +<p>"I tell you how 'tis, Poindexter," he says. +"To begin wid, an' speakin' in confidences +ez one ole-time frien' to 'nother, I prob'ly is +the onlyest pusson in this yere city of Noo +Yawk w'ich the Cullid Arabian Prince +might mek trouble fur me ef I wuz the one +w'ich come bringin' him back his lost pin. +Ever since he's been yere he's been sendin' +his clothes over to my 'stablishment, w'ich +it is right round the corner frum the Palace +Afro-American Hotel, to be pressed. An' +ef I should turn up now wid this yere pin +he'd most likely ez not claim 'at I found it +stuck in one of his coat lapels an' taken it +out an' kep' it. An' the chances is he'd not +only refuse fur to pay over the reward, but +furthermo' might raise a rookus an' cast a +shadder on my good name w'ich it su'ttinly +would hurt my perfessional reppitation +fur a Cullid Arabian Prince to be low-ratin' +me at-a-way. He's lak so many +wealthy pussons is—he's suspicious in his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span> +mind. So I don't keer to take no chances, +much ez I craves to feel them fifty dollars +warmin' in the pa'm of my hand. But ef +a pusson w'ich wuz a puffec' stranger to +him wuz to fetch the pin in an' say he wuz +walkin' 'long an' seen it shinin' an' picked +it up, he'd jes' hand the reward right over +widout a mumblin' word."</p> + +<p>"Yas," I says, "tha's so, I reckin."</p> + +<p>"'Tain't no manner of doubt but whut +hit's so," he says. "Poindexter," he says, +brisker-like, "I got an idee—it jest this +yere secont come to me: Whut's the reason +w'y you can't be the ordained stranger +w'ich teks the pin back to him? You does +so an' I'll low you ten dollars out of the +fifty fur yore time an' trouble. Whut +say?"</p> + +<p>I studies a minute and then I says I is +sociable to the notion. He says he'll go +along with me and point out to me the hotel +where the Colored Arabian Prince is stopping +at and then tarry outside until I gets +back to him with the money. I says I'll go +just as soon as I has et another piece of +mushmelon, which the first piece certainly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span> +was very tasty. So he waits until I has +done so and then he pays the check, which +comes to one-eighty for me and ten cents +for him, and we gets up to start forth. But +just as we gets to the door, going out, he +takes a look at a clock on the wall and he +says:</p> + +<p>"I can't go 'long wid you—you'll have +to go by yo'se'f."</p> + +<p>I says:</p> + +<p>"Whyfore you can't go?"</p> + +<p>He says:</p> + +<p>"I jes' this minute remembers 'at I got +to ketch the 'leven-forty-two fur Hartford, +Connecticut, whar I is gittin' ready to open +up a branch 'stablishment—tha's whyfore. +I been enjoyin' talkin' wid somebody frum +my own dear state so much 'at I lets the +time slip by unbeknownst an' now I jes' +about kin git abo'de the train at the up-town +station ef I hurries." He scratches his +head. "Lemme see," he says, "whut-all is +we goin' do 'bout 'at now?" Then it seems +like he scratches an idea loose. "I got it," +he says. "Mainly on 'count of my bein' in +sech a rush, an' you bein' frum my home-town,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span> +I'm goin' mek you a heap sweeter +proposition 'en de one w'ich I already has +made. I'm goin' halfen this yere reward +wid you; 'at's whut I'm goin' do. Yere's +the plan: You jes' hands me over twenty-five +dollars now fur my sheer an' 'en you +keeps the ontire fifty w'ich he'll pay you. +See? I knows I is a fool to be doin' it, but +gittin' to Hartford on time today 'll mean +a heap mo' to me in the long run 'en whut +de diff'unce in the money would. How +'bout it, ole boy?"</p> + +<p>I says to him that it listens all right to +me, and I'd give him the twenty-five in a +minute, only I ain't got it with me. When +I says that his face falls so far his under-jaw +mighty near grazes the ground, and +then he says:</p> + +<p>"Well, how much is you got? Is you got +twenty—or even fifteen?"</p> + +<p>I says I ain't got nothing on me in the +way of ready cash, only carfare. But I +says I is got something on me that's worth +a heap more than twenty-five dollars.</p> + +<p>And he says:</p> + +<p>"Whut is it?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span></p> + +<p>I says:</p> + +<p>"It's this yere solid gold watch," I says. +And I hauls it out and waves it before his +eyes. "It's wuth fully forty dollars," I +says, "but I ain't needin' it on 'count of +havin' a still mo' handsomer one in my +trunk, w'ich it wuz give to me by a committee +of the w'ite folks two yeahs ago fur +savin' a lil' w'ite boy from drowndin' off +the upper wharf-boat. You tek the watch +an' give me, say ten dollars boot," I says, +"an' I'll collect the reward an' thar'by both +of us 'll be mekin' money," I says; "'cause +you kin sell the watch anywhars fur not +lessen forty dollars. I done been offered +'at fur it befo' now."</p> + +<p>He studies a minute and then he says that +whilst he ain't doubting my word about the +watch being worth that much money, still, +business is business, and before he consents +we'll have to take it to a jewelry-store half-a-square +down the street and have it valued.</p> + +<p>I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Tha's suitable to me, but," I says, "I +thought you wuz in a sweat to ketch a +train?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I'll tek the time," he says. "I kin hurry +an' mek it. Come to think of it," he says, +"'at train don't leave the up-town station +'twell 'leven-fifty-fo'. 'Leven-forty-two is +w'en she leaves frum down-town."</p> + +<p>"I'm glad to hear it," I says, "'cause +w'en the jewelry-store man has got th'ough +'zaminin' my watch we kin ast him to look +at the pin, too, an' tell us ef it's the genuwine +article. It mout possibly be," I says, +"'at they wuz two of these yere clover-leaf +pins floatin' round loose an' one of 'em a +imitation. By havin' it 'zamined 'long wid +my watch, we both plays safe."</p> + +<p>He stops right dead in his tracks.</p> + +<p>"Look yere, Poindexter," he says, +"whut's the use of all 'is yere projectin' +round an' wastin' of time? You trusts +me," he says, "an' I trusts you—tha's fair. +Yere, boy, you teks the pin an' collects the +reward. I teks the watch an' sells it fur +whut I kin git fur it. Le's close the deal +'cause I p'intedly is got to hurry frum +yere."</p> + +<p>"Hole on!" I says. "How 'bout my ten +dollars boot?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I'll mek it five," he says.</p> + +<p>"Gimme the five," I says.</p> + +<p>So he counts out five ones and yells something +to me about the Palace Afro-American +Hotel being straight down the street +about half-a-mile, on the left-hand side, +and in another second he's gone from view +round the nearest corner.</p> + +<p>But I does not go to look for no Afro-American +Hotel, nor yet for no Colored +Arabian Prince, neither. Something +seems to warn me 'twould only be a waste +of time, so instead of which, as I steps +along, I figures out where I stands in the +swap. And it comes to this: I is in to the +extent of five dollars in cash, also one dollar +and eighty cents' worth of nourishing +vittles, and a clover-leaf pin, which it must +be worth all of seventy-five cents unless the +price of brass has took a big fall.</p> + +<p>I is out to the extent of telling one lie +about saving a little boy from drowning +and also one old imitation-gold watchcase +without any mechanical works in it. Likewise +and furthermore, I can imagine the +look on that gold-tooth nigger's face when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span> +he gets time to take a good look at what +he's traded for, and that alone I values at +fully two dollars more in private satisfaction +to J. Poindexter. So, taking one +thing and another, getting lost has been +worth pretty close on to ten dollars, besides +which it has taught me the lesson that when +a trusting stranger goes forth in the Great +City he's liable to fall amongst thieves, but +if only he stays honest himself and keeps +his eye skinned, he cannot possibly suffer +no harm at the hands of the wicked deceiver.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter V</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Local Colored</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>IT seems like having dealings with designing +persons of my own color must've +made my mind act more keen. All +at once I remembers that I seen the name of +our apartment-house carved on a big square +tombstone over the front door, and it comes +to me that the same's name has got something +to do with grist-mills and something +to do with lawsuits. I studies and studies +and then, like a flash, I gets it:</div> + +<p>Wheatley Court.</p> + +<p>With this much to work on, the rest is +plenty easy. A man in a drugstore consults +in a telephone book and gives me the full +specifications for getting back to where I +has strayed from, which it turns out it is +fully three miles away from there in a +southeast direction. But I buys an ice-cream +soda and a pack of chewing-gum<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span> +before I asks the drugstore man for his +friendly aid. Already I has took note of +the fact that most of the folks in New York +acts like they hates to answer your questions +without you has done 'em some kind of a +favor first. So I places this man under +obligations to me by trading with him and +then he's willing to help me. That is, +he's willing, but he ain't right crazy with +joy over the idea of it. If I'd a-bought +two ice-cream sodas I think probably he's +a-moved more brisk-like. Still, he does it. +So, inside of an hour more, what with riding +part of the ways on street-cars and +walking the rest, I is home again and glad +to be there.</p> + +<p>Even so, my being gone so long ain't put +nobody out, because Mr. Dallas is yet in +bed, but is now thinking seriously about +getting up. He complains of feeling +slightly better than what he did awhile +back. Still, he ain't got so very much appetite. +Orange juice and black coffee +seems ample to satisfy his desires; he also +continues to remain very partial to the ice-water. +He says he must hurry up and dress<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span> +and get outdoors because he's got an engagement +to go with one of the ladies which +he met the night before and look at a little +car which she's thinking about buying it, +but wants to get his expert opinion on it +first. He don't specify her name, but I +guesses it's the puny one of the two—this +here Miss Bill-Lee DeWitt.</p> + +<p>Whilst I is laying out his clothes for him +to put on he calls out to me from the bathroom +that I will doubtless be interested to +know that we'll be staying on in New York +permanent. I asks him how come, and he +says he's passed his word to go in partners +with this here Mr. H. C. Raynor selling +oil-properties.</p> + +<p>I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"'Scuse me, Mr. Dallas, but it sho' does +look lak to me we is movin' powerful fast. +Only yistiddy we gits yere, an' today we is +fixin' to bust into bus'ness. Tha's travelin'!"</p> + +<p>He says you have to move fast in New +York if you don't want to get run over and +trompled on and I says that certainly is the +Gospel truth. And he says when you +meets up with an attractive proposition up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span> +here in this country you is just naturally +obliged to grab holt of it quick or else +somebody else 'll be beating you to it. I +feels myself bound to agree with that, too; +and then he goes on shaving himself and +abusing of his skin for being so tender.</p> + +<p>I ponders a spell and then I asks him, +sort of casual and accidental-like, when +was it that Mr. Raynor displayed this here +desirable business notion to him and he +give his promise for to enter into it?</p> + +<p>"Oh," he says, "it was late last night—after +we started back from the road-house. +He's going to let me have a full half interest," +he says.</p> + +<p>I don't say nothing out loud to that. But +I casts my rolling eyes up to the ceiling +and I says in low tones to myself, I says: +"<i>Uh</i> huh, uh <i>huh</i>!" just like that.</p> + +<p>That's all I says. And I makes sure he +ain't overhearing me, but all the time I'm +doing considerable thinking. I'm thinking +that, excusing one of 'em is white folks +and the other is mulatto-complected and +excusing that one has got decorated teeth +and the other one just plain teeth, there's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span> +something mighty similar someway betwixt +this here Mr. Raynor and that there colored +imposer, which he called himself George +Harris. I can't make up my mind whether +it's their expressions or the way they looks +at you out of their eyes, or the engaging +way they both has of being so generous-like +on short notice. But it pointedly must +be something or other, because when I +broods about one I can't keep from brooding +about the other.</p> + +<p>But, naturally, I keeps all that to myself. +After Mr. Dallas has done gone out I fixes +myself up something solid to eat and then, +along about three o'clock I drifts downstairs +and engages in friendly conversation +with two of them West Indian boys. Before +very long the subject of the educated +bones gets introduced into the talk someway, +and it so happens I has a set in my +pocket and I gets 'em out and sort of cuddles +'em in my hand and rattles 'em gentle; +and one of the two boys feels persuaded to +suggest that, seeing as the work ain't pressing, +us three might ramble on back into a +little kind of a store-room back of the main<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span> +hall downstairs and make a few passes just +to keep the time from hanging heavy on our +hands.</p> + +<p>Now, privately I has always contended +that craps-dice is meant for home folks +only. These here foreigners should not +never toy with 'em if they expects to get +ahead in the world. So the entertainment +turns out just like I expected 'twould. +When fifteen minutes, or maybe twenty, +has gone by very pleasantly there is not no +reason why I should linger with 'em, and +I piroots back on upstairs taking along +with me twenty-two dollars and fifty cents +of strange money to get acquainted with the +spare change in my pants pocket and leaving +them two West Indian delegates holding +a grand lodge of sorrow betwixt themselves.</p> + +<p>So that is all of undue importance which +happens on our second day.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter VI</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Gold Coast</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>TIME certainly does flitter by here +in little old New York, as I has +now taken to calling it. Here it has +been nearly six weeks since last I done any +authorizing, and a whole heap of things +has come to pass since then; yet, when I +looks back at it, it seems like 'twas only yesterday +when last I held my pen in hand.</div> + +<p>Also in that time I has learned much. +When I reflects back on how sorghum-green +I was when we landed here off the +steam-cars, I actually feels right sorry for +myself—not knowing what a road-house +was, and figuring that when somebody +mentioned sub-let apartments they was describing +the name of a family, and getting +lost in Harlem the first time I went forth +rambling, and all them other fool things +which I done and said at the outsetting of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span> +our experiences! No longer ago than last +evening I was saying to some of the fellow-members +up at the Pastime Colored Pleasure +and Recreation Club, on One-Hundred +and Thirty-fifth street, that it's a born wonder +they didn't throw a loop over me and +cart me off to the idiotic asylum for safety +keeping till the newness had done wore off.</p> + +<p>I must also say for Mr. Dallas that he's +progressed very rapid, too. And likewise +the new business must be paying him +powerful well right from the go-off, because +we certainly is rolled up in the lap-robes +of luxury and living off the top skimmings +of the cream.</p> + +<p>Before we has been here a week I notices +there's a change taking place in Mr. Dallas. +He's beginning to get dissatisfied +with things as they is and craving after +things as they ain't. Near as I can figure +it out, he's caught a kind of restlessness disease +which it appears to afflict everybody +up in these parts, one way or another. It +seems like to me, though, he must a-taken +it early and in a violent form.</p> + +<p>The first symptoms is when he fetches in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span> +one of these here little slick-headed Japanee +boys to do the cooking and et cetera, +so's I can wait on him more exclusively. +Anyway, that's the reason which he assigns +to me, but all the same I retains my own +personal views on the matter. We don't +need no extra hands to help run our establishment +no more'n we needs water in our +shoes, and my onspoken opinion is that Mr. +Dallas thinks maybe the place look more +high-tonish by having an imported strange +foreigner fussing round. Privately, I +don't lose no time designating to this here +Koga, which is the slick-headed boy's name, +where he gets off so far as I is concerned. +No sooner does he arrive in amongst our +midst than I tolls him back into the far end +of the butler's pantry and I says to him, I +says:</p> + +<p>"Yaller kid, lis'sen: I ain't 'sponsible fur +yore comin' yere, but jest so shorely ez you +starts messin' in my bus'ness I'm goin' be +'sponsible fur yore everlastin' departure. +You 'tends to yore wu'k an' I 'tends to mine +an' tharby we gits along harmonious. But +one sign of meddlin' frum you an' I'll jest<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span> +reach back yere to my flank pocket whar I +totes me a hosstile razor an' 'en you better +pick out w'ich one of these yere winders +you perfurs to jump out of."</p> + +<p>He just sort of grins at that and sucks +some loose air in betwixt his front teeth.</p> + +<p>"Tha's right," I says, "save up yore +breathin', 'cause ef I teks after you you'll +shore require to have plenty of it on hand +fur pu'pposes of fast travelin'. Chile," I +says, "you's had yore warnin'—so harken +an' give heed or else you'll find yo'se'f +carved up so fine they'll have to fune'lize +you on the 'stallment plan. Mr. Dallas +he may be the big boss," I says, "but you +lakwise better pay a heap of 'tention to the +fust assistant deputy sub-boss w'ich I'm," +I says, "him."</p> + +<p>Saying thus I gives him a savigrous look +backward over my shoulder and walks +away stepping kind of light on my feet like +a cat fixing for to pounce. He ain't saying +a word; he's just standing there reserving +some more breath.</p> + +<p>Of course I ain't really aiming to start +no race war. Always it has been my constant<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span> +aim to keep out of rough jams with +one and all but, even so, I figures that it's +just as well to get the jump on that there +Japanee human-siphon and render him +tame and docile from the beginning.</p> + +<p>Next thing is that Mr. Dallas begins +faulting the clothes he brought along with +him from home. He says to me they appeared +all right when he was having 'em +made to order for him by M. Marcus & +Son, corner of Third and Kentucky Avenue, +which that is our leading merchant-tailor, +but he can see now that they ain't got the +real New York snap to 'em. And the ensuing +word is that one of them swell Fifth +Avenue shops is making him a full new +outfit. Well, I must admit that suits me +from the ground up; it's a sign to me I'm +about to inherit.</p> + +<p>And the next thing is that he invests in +several cases of fancy drinkings which a +bootlegging white man fetches it up to us +under cover of the darkness. I sees Mr. +Dallas counting out the money for to pay +him, and it certainly amounts to an important +sum. I ain't questioning the wisdom<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span> +of this step neither, seeking that the stock +we fetched along with us from the South is +vanishing very brisk, and the new supply +ought to last me and him for no telling +how long, if we both is careful.</p> + +<p>The trouble with Mr. Dallas, though, is +he ain't careful. Scarcely a day passes +without some of his new-made Northern +friends dropping in on him and sopping up +highballs and cocktails and this and that. +That there Mr. Bellows is one of our most +earnest customers. He'll set down empty +alongside a full bottle and stay right there +till the emptiness and the fullness has done +changed places. Also, when it comes to +liberal consuming of somebody else's +liquor, Mr. H. C. Raynor has his ondoubted +merits. And when Mr. Dallas +gives a party, which he does frequent and +often, the wines and such just flows like +manna from the rod of Jonah. Still, that +ain't pestering me much. When white +folks lives high in the front parlor niggers +gets fat back in the kitchen.</p> + +<p>Then on top of all this he buys himself +an automobile and hires a white chauffeur<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span> +for to run her. She's one of these here +low-cut, high-powerful cars which when +you wants to go somewheres in a hurry you +just steps on her and—<i>b-z-z-z</i>—you is done +arrived! But she's plenty costive to run. +Every time she takes a deep breath there's +another half-gallon of gasoline gone. If +the truth must be known, Mr. Dallas has +not only bought one car; he's bought two. +But we don't see the second one, which is a +dark blue runabout, only when Miss Bill-Lee +comes round, because it seems Mr. +Dallas has loaned it out to her for her own +use, him paying the garage bills. Betwixt +themselves they speaks of it as a loan, but +I thinks to myself that this probably is predestinated +to be one of the most permanent +loans in the history of the entire loaning +business.</p> + +<p>So it goes. Every day, pretty near it, +delivery boys comes knocking at the service +door bringing this and that for Mr. Dallas. +If it ain't half a dozen fresh pairs of shoes +it's a sack-full of these here golf utensils +or some new silk pyjamas; and if it ain't +another motoring coat or an elaborous<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span> +smoking jacket, it's a set of silver-topped +brushes and combs and bottles and things +for his toilet table, with his initials cut on +'em. It seems like he must stop in somewheres +every morning on his way down-town +to business and buy himself something. +So I judges the money must be +coming in mighty brisk at the bung-hole, +because it certainly is pouring out mighty +steady from the spigots.</p> + +<p>It also must be a powerful handy and +convenient business to be in, for not only +does it appear to pay so well, but it practically +almost runs itself. Often Mr. Dallas +ain't starting down-town till the morning +is 'most gone, and sometimes he gets +back home as early as four o'clock in the +evening. Come Saturday, he don't go near +the headquarters at all. That astonishes +me deeply, because down home on a Saturday +the stores all stays open till late at +night on account of the country people +coming into town and the hands at the tobacco +warehouses and the factories and all +being paid off, and the niggers being out +doing their trading. Especially the niggers.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span> +You take the average one of 'em, +and if he can't spend all he's got on Saturday +night, it practically spoils his Sunday +for him. He ain't aiming to waste none of +his money, saving it. So, with us, Saturday +is the busiest day in the week. But +seemingly not so in this locality.</p> + +<p>In fact, so far as I observes to date, the +folks up here has got a special separate system +of their own for doing pretty near +everything. More times than one enduring +this past month I has said to myself +that there certainly is a big difference betwixt +Paducah and New York City. You +don't notice it so much in Paducah, but, +lawsy, how it does prone into you when +you gets to New York!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span></p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter VII</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Country Side</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>FOR instances, now, take this here Saturday +last past. Down home Mr. +Dallas would a-been down to that +there oil-office of his bright and early +shaking hands with the paying customers +and helping boss the clerks whilst they +drawed off the oil, and all. But nothing like +that don't happen here with us—no sir, not +none whatsomever. He lays in bed until it's +going on pretty near ten o'clock and then he +gets up and I packs him, and along about +dinner-time, which they calls it lunch-time +round this town, we puts out in the car to +the country for a week-end. Only, for the +amount of baggage we totes with us you'd +a-thought it was going to be a month-end. +I'm tooken along to look after his clothes +and to do general valetting for him.</div> + +<p>We takes Mr. Raynor and Mr. Bellows<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span> +and the permanent-wavy lady, Mrs. Gaylord, +along with us. Miss DeWitt and +Miss O'Brien is also headed for the same +place we is, but they comes in the blue runabout +traveling close behind us. By now, +I has done learned not to expect Mrs. Gaylord +to bring a husband with her. It seems +like she can get 'em, but she can't keep 'em. +She's been married three times in all; but +from what I can hear, her first husband +hauled off and died on her and the second +one kind of strayed off and never come +back. I ain't heard 'em say what happened +to the present incumbent but since he ain't +never been produced, I judge he must've +got mislaid someway, so now she's practically +all out of husbands again. Still, she +seems to be bearing up very serene at all +times. If she misses 'em she don't let on.</p> + +<p>Well, we loads up the car with the white +folks, and with valises and golf-sacks and +one thing and another and starts for the +country. But I must say for it that it's +totally unsimilar to any country like what +I has been used to heretofore. The front +yards which we passes all looks like the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span> +owners must take 'em in at nights and in +the mornings brush 'em off good and put +'em back outdoors again; and most of the +residences is a suitable size to make good +high-school buildings or else feeble-mind +institutes, and even the woodlots +has a slicked-up appearance like as if they'd +just come back that same day from the dry-cleaner's. +In more'n an hour's steady +travel I don't see a single rail fence nor a +regulation weed-patch nor a lye kettle nor +an ash-hopper nor a corn-crib nor a martin-box +nor a hound-dog nor a smoke-house +nor scarcely anything which would +signify it to be sure-enough country. I +thinks to myself that if a cotton-tail rabbit +was aiming to camp out here he'd naturally +be obliged to pack his bedding along with +him.</p> + +<p>When we arrives where we is headed for +I is still further surprised because, beforehand, +Mr. Dallas tells me we is going to +stop at a country-place, but it looks to me +more like a city-hall which has done strayed +far off from its functions and took root in +a big clump of trees alongside the river.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span> +Why, it's got more rooms in it than our +new county infirmary's got and grounds +around it all beautiful like a cemetery. It +belongs to a very spry-acting lady named +Mrs. Banister, which she is a friend of Mrs. +Gaylord's. There's a Mr. Banister, too, +but as far as I can judge, the lady is the +sole proprietor and his job is just being +Mrs. Banister's Mr. and helping with the +drinks when the butler is busy doing something +else. I hears the cook saying out in +the kitchen that he can also mix a very tasty +salad-dressing. Well, that's what he looks +like to me, just a natural-born salad-dressing +mixer.</p> + +<p>But we don't arrive there until it's getting +towards four o'clock by reason of us +stopping for quite a sojourn at a tea-house +along the road. Leastwise, they calls it a +tea-house, but its principalest functions, +so far as I can note, is to provide accommodations +for folks to dance and to drink up +the refreshments which they've fetched +along with 'em in pocket flasks; and you +might call that tea if you prefers to, but it's +the kind of tea which now sells by the case<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span> +for cash down and is delivered at your +house after dark.</p> + +<p>That's mainly what our outfit does there—dance +and refresh themselves with what +the gentlemen brought along on their hips. +From where I'm setting in the car outside +I can see 'em weaving in and out amongst +the tables whilst a string-band plays jazzing +tunes for 'em to dance by. But Mr. +Dallas don't appear to be getting the hang +of it so very well and the chauffeur, who's +setting there with me, he allows probably +the boss ain't caught on to these here new +dances yet.</p> + +<p>I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Huh! Does you call 'at a new dance?"</p> + +<p>He says:</p> + +<p>"Sure—the newest one of 'em all. That's +the Reitzenburger Grapple—it's just hit +town."</p> + +<p>And I says:</p> + +<p>"Then it shore must a-been a long time +on the road, gittin' yere; 'cause niggers +down my way," I says, "wuz dancin' 'at air +dance fully ten yeahs ago—only they done +so behind closed doors," I says, "bein'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span> +'feared the police mout claim disawd'ly +conduct an' stop 'em frum it."</p> + +<p>He says:</p> + +<p>"Did you ever dance it?"</p> + +<p>I says to him:</p> + +<p>"Who, me? Many's a time. But not +lately," I says.</p> + +<p>"What made you stop?" he says.</p> + +<p>"I got religion," I says.</p> + +<p>There was also considerable careless +dancing done at the Banister place that +night and early the following morning. +In fact, there was considerable of a good +many things done there that Saturday and +Sunday—tennis and golf and horseback-riding +and billiards and pool and going in +swimming in a private lake on the premises +and playing a card game which they calls it +auction-bridge, and eating and drinking +and smoking. Everybody is so busy all +day changing clothes for the next event they +ain't got very much time for the thing +that's on at the time being. But when the +night-time comes the ladies strips down to +full-dress and all hands just settles in for +the three favorite sports, which is dancing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span> +and cards and drinks, both long and short. +I has seen thirsty gentlemen before in my +day but to the best of my recollection I ain't +never encountered no ladies that seemed so +parched-like as one or two of these here +ladies was. I'm thinking in particular of +Mrs. Gaylord. She certainly is suffering +from a severe attack of the genuine parchments. +But I'll say this much for her—she's +doing her level best to get shut of it +by taking the ordained treatment. That +Saturday evening whilst I is upstairs in +Mr. Dallas' room laying out his dress-clothes, +the guests, about a dozen of 'em is +out in the front yard setting round little +tables where I can see 'em from the window, +and every time I passes the window +and looks out it seems like she's being +served with a little bit more. She carries +it just beautiful, though; she certainly has +my deep personal admirations for her capacity. +But next day when she comes down +stairs she acts dauncy and low-spirited for +awhile. She's got on a fresh complexion, to +be sure, but even so she looks sort of weather-beaten +'round the eyes. You take 'em<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span> +when they is either prematurely old or else +permanently young and the morning is always +the most tellingest time on 'em. Well, +several of those present ain't feeling the +best in the world, seemingly, that Sunday +when they strolls forth for late breakfast +'long about half past eleven. It was after +three o'clock before they dispersed and +some of 'em ain't entirely got over it yet—they +is still kind of dispersed-looking, if +you gets my meaning.</p> + +<p>Well, all day Sunday is just like Saturday +evening was, only if anything, more so; and +late Sunday night the party busts up and +scatters and we starts back to town. Mr. +Dallas he elects for to ride back in the runabout +with Miss Bill-Lee so that throws +Miss O'Brien, the one which they calls Pat +for short, into the big car with the rest of +our crowd. Starting off she quarrels right +peart with Mrs. Gaylord. I gathers that +they was partners at the bridging game part +of the time and they can't get reconciled +with one another over the way each one of +'em handled her cards. The more they +scandalizes about it the more onreconciled<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span> +they gets, too. It seems like each one thinks +the other don't scarcely know how to deal, +let alone play the hands after she gets 'em. +Setting there listening to 'em carrying on +I thinks to myself these here Northern white +folks must hate to lose even a little bit of +money. I knows these two ladies couldn't +a-lost much neither—I heard Mr. Raynor +saying beforehand they was going to play +five cents a point. But to overhear 'em debating +now, you'd a-thought it had been a +real stiff game, like dollar-limit poker, say, +or set-back at six bits a corner.</p> + +<p>After awhile Miss Pat she quits argufying +and drops off to sleep and Mr. Bellows +he likewise drifts off into a doze and that +leaves Mrs. Gaylord and Mr. Raynor talking +together in the back seat kind of confidential. +But the hood of the car being +over 'em it seems like it throws their voices +forward, and setting up with the chauffeur +I can't keep from eavesdropping on part +of what they is confabbing about.</p> + +<p>Presently I hears Mr. Raynor saying:</p> + +<p>"Well, you never can guess in advance +what a sap will like, can you? You would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span> +have thought he'd fall for a kiddo with a +good, strong up-to-date tomboy line, like +little Patsy here. But no—not at all! He +takes one look into those languishing eyes +of our other friend and goes down and out +for the count. Funny—eh, what? Well, +it only goes to show that while the vamp +stuff is getting a trifle old-fashioned it still +pays dividends—if only you pick the right +customer."</p> + +<p>Then I hears Mrs. Gaylord saying:</p> + +<p>"Her system may be a bit <i>passé</i> but you +can't say she doesn't work fast once she gets +under way. Clever, I call it."</p> + +<p>"Clever?" he says, "you bet! She works +fast and she works clean, tidying up as she +goes along and burying her own dead. I +always did say for her that when it came to +being a gold-digger she had the original +Forty-niners looking like inmates of the +Bide-a-Wee Home. Fast? I'll say so!"</p> + +<p>"She has need to be fast, working opposition +to you, Herby, dear," says Mrs. Gaylord. +"Speaking of expert blood-suckers, I +shouldn't exactly call you a vegetarian."</p> + +<p>"Hush, honey," he says, "let's not talk<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span> +shop out of business hours. And anyhow," +he says, "I don't mind a little healthy competition +on the side. It stimulates trade +under the main tent—if it's done in moderation."</p> + +<p>"You should know, Herby," she says sort +of laughing; "with your experience you +should know if anybody does."</p> + +<p>Then he laughs, too, a kind of a low and +meaning chuckle, and they goes to talking +about something else.</p> + +<p>But I has done heard enough to set me to +studying mighty earnest. Neither one of +'em ain't specifying who they means by "he" +and "she" but I can guess. Once more I +says to myself, I says:</p> + +<p>"<i>Uh huh, uh huh!</i>"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter VIII</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Dark Secrets</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>SOME of the folks which has been following +our experiences, as I has +wrote them down, might think it was +my bounden duty to go straight-away to +Mr. Dallas and promulgate to him these +here remarks which I hears pass betwixt +Mr. H. C. Raynor and the permanent-wavy +lady on that Sunday night six weeks ago, +coming back from our week-end in the +country. But I does not by no means see +my way clear to doing so. In the first place, +I ain't never been what you might call a +professional promulgator. In the second +place, I figures the time ain't ripe to start +in telling what I believes and what I suspicions. +In the third place, I don't know +yet if it ever will be ripe.</div> + +<p>Some white folks, seems like, is just naturally +beset with a craving to bust into<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span> +colored folkses' business and try for to run +their personal affairs for 'em. Mr. Dallas, +he is not gaited that way in no particular +whatsoever; him having been born and +raised South and naturally knowing better +anyhow; but some I might mention is. +Still, and even so, most white folks don't +care deeply for anybody at all, much less +it's somebody which is colored, to be telling +'em onpleasant and onwelcome tidings. +And he is white and I is black—and there +you is!</p> + +<p>Another way I looks at it is this way: +There's a whole heap of white folks, mainly +Northerners, which thinks that because us +black folks talks loud and laughs a-plenty +in public that we ain't got no secret feelings +of our own; they thinks we is ready and +willing at all times to just blab all we knows +into the first white ear that passes by. +Which I reckon that is one of the most monstrous +mistakes in natural history that ever +was. You take a black boy which he working +for a white family. Being on close relations +that-a-way with 'em he's bound to +know everything they does—what they is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span> +thinking about, what-all they hopes and +what-all they fears. But does they, for +their part, know anything about how he +acts amongst his own race? I'll say contrary! +They maybe might think they +knows but you take it from J. Poindexter +they positively does not do nothing of the +kind. All what they gleans about him—his +real inside emotions, I means—is exactly +what he's willing for 'em to glean; that and +no more. And usually that ain't so much.</p> + +<p>Yes sir, the run of colored folks is much +more secretious than what the run of the +white folks give 'em credit for. I reckon +they has been made so. In times past they +has met up with so many white folks which +taken the view that everything black men +and black women done in their lodges or +their churches or amongst their own color +was something to joke about and poke fun +at. Now, you take me. I is perfectly willing +to laugh with the white folks and I can +laugh to order for 'em, if the occasion appears +suitable, but I is not filled up with no +deep yearnings to have 'em laughing at me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span> +and my private doings. 'Specially if it's +strange white folks.</p> + +<p>Furthermore there's this about it: I've +taken due notice that, whites and blacks +alike, pretty near anybody will resent your +coming to 'em on your own say-so and telling +'em right out of a clear sky that they is +making a grievous big mistake in doing this +or that. If they themselves takes the lead—if +they seeks you out of their own accord +and says to you, confidential-like, they is in +a peck of trouble and craves to know how +they is going to get out from under the load—why, +that's different. Then you can step +in, in friendship's name, and do your best +to help 'em unravel the tangle which they +has got themselves snarled up in it. If you +asks me, I would say that advice gets a heap +warmer welcome where you goes hunting +for it than where it comes hunting for you. +And, likewise, sympathy is something +which you appreciates all the more if you +went out shopping for it yourself. You +don't want it to come knocking at the door +like one of these here old peddlers taking +orders for enlarging crayon portraits and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span> +forcing its way right into your fireside +circle whether or no, and camping there in +your lap.</p> + +<p>Moreover, speaking in particular of our +own case, what right has I got to be intimating +to Mr. Dallas my private beliefs about +the private characters of this here brisk +crowd which he has gone and got so thick +with since we arrived here on the scene? +Right from the first I has had my own personal +convictions about the set he's in with. +I has made up my mind that they ain't the +genuine real quality; that they is just a +slicked-up, highly-polished imitation of the +real quality; that they ain't doing things so +much as they is overdoing 'em. The way I +looks at it, they bears the same relation to +regulation high-toney folks which a tin minnow +does to sure-enough live bait. You +maybe might fool a fish with it but you +couldn't fool the world at large for so very +long. And as for me, I ain't been fooled at +all, not at no time. But I naturally can't go +stating my presenterments to Mr. Dallas +without he the same as practically invites +me first for to do so. Now, can I? But if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span> +he finds it out for himself and approaches +me, that's a roan horse of another color.</p> + +<p>So the above reasons is why I is at present +keeping my mouth shut in front of him +about what concerns him solely. Besides, +so many things continues to happen from +day to day here in New York it keeps me +right busy just staying up with the procession +and not overlooking the stray bets. +For instances, now, there's my moving-picture +scheme which I thinks up out of my +own head and which promises to turn out +mighty profitable if everything goes well.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter IX</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Movie-Land</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>HAVING so much else to keep track +of I has plumb forgot up till now +to set forth how comes it we gets +ourselves interested in the movies. You +see, both Miss Pat and Miss Bill-Lee is in +that line, although not working at it very +steady. In fact, practically all our crowd +lets on to be doing something or other for to +earn a living when they can't think of nothing +else to do. It seems like Mr. Bellows +sets himself up to be one of these here interior +decorators, which I don't know exactly +what that is, though I has my notions +for I has seen him decorating.</div> + +<p>Let somebody else provide the materials +and he's right there with the interior. Mrs. +Gaylord she's an alimony-collector by profession +and doing right well at her trade, +too, from all I can gather. And Mr. Raynor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span> +he calls himself a broker. I hears Mrs. Gaylord +saying once, sort of joking, that being a +broker is the present tense of being broke, +which I reckon that is not only grammar +but facts, except when somebody like Mr. +Dallas comes along with ready cash on +hand. But the two young ladies has both +been in theatricals for going on several years +now, first on the old-fashioned talking stage +and more lately with the films; so naturally +there's a right smart talk about films and +screens and all, going on from time to time.</p> + +<p>It seems like all hands amongst 'em +agrees there's a heap of money in the film +business if only the right folks was to take +hold of it and get it away from the parties +which is now trying to run it. It also seems +that if only Miss Bill-Lee could get the +proper sort of a chance, which she can't on +account of jealousy and one thing and another, +she'd be a brightly shining star in no +time. All she needs is for somebody to put +her out in a piece which'll suit her and then +she'll be a sensational success and all concerned +will make more money than they'll +know what to do with. I hears her saying<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span> +so more than once to Mr. Dallas, all the +time looking at him with them yearning big +black eyes of hers. It seems like that is the +one thing which she requires for to make +her perfectly happy. And seeing as how +that appears to be Mr. Dallas' chief aim in +life these times—making Miss Bill-Lee +more happy—I says to myself that first +thing we know we'll be investing in a new +line on the side. Mr. Raynor, though, he +ain't so favorable to the notion. I can tell +that he don't want Mr. Dallas to be spreading +his play 'round so promiscuous. It ain't +so much what he says; it's by the way he +looks when the subject comes up that I can +figure out what his private emotions is.</p> + +<p>Anyhow, the upshot is that Mr. Dallas +takes to spending considerable of his spare +time at a studio up-town where the two +young ladies works, getting pointers and so +on. One evening—I should say, one afternoon—he +telephones down to the apartment +for me to bring one of his heavy overcoats +up there to him because, what with late +fall-time being here now, the weather has +turned off sort of cold; and that's how befalls<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span> +that I gets my look at the insides of +one of these here studio places, which I +must say, alongside of the one I seen, a +crazy-house is plumb rational and abounding +in restfulness.</p> + +<p>From the outsides it looks to be like +something suitable for a tobacco stemmery +or maybe a skating-rink, but once I gets +past the watchman on the outer door—<i>Who-ee!</i> +That's all—<i>Who-ee!</i> I stops close +by the door and for a spell I watches what's +going on and I thinks to myself that whilst +there may be a-plenty of money in the moving-picture +business, and doubtless is, the +bulk of it is liable to stay in it permanent. +Never before in my whole life has I seen so +many folks letting on like they was fixing +for to transact something important and +then not doing it. If they was all on piece-work +they couldn't earn enough to pay for +half-soling the shoes which they wears out +running about getting in one another's way. +But as I understands it, they mainly is hired +by the day and not by the job, and my heart +certainly goes out in sympathetical feelings +for the man, whoever he may be, that's footing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span> +the bills at the end of the week. If I +was him I'd charge general admittance for +the public to come in and witness these here +carryings-on, and thereby get some part of +my wastage back.</p> + +<p>Almost the first thing which distracts my +attention is a pestered-looking man with a +pair of these here high leather leggings on, +like he was fixing to go horse-back riding +but in his frenzy has mislaid the horse; +which he is full of authority and dashing +to and fro with a big megaphone in one +hand and in the other a bunch of wadded-up +paper with writing on it. He appears +to be in sole charge; and if hollowing loud +was worth fifty cents a hollow he'd be a +millionaire inside of a month if his voice +didn't give out on him. I finds out a little +later that he's what they calls the director. +Well, he certainly does directicate.</p> + +<p>One minute he's yelling at a couple of the +hands up in the loft overhead, which their +job is to handle some of the lights and then +he's yelling at the little fellow which is running +the picture-taking machinery, and then +he's yelling at a bunch of men which has<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span> +charge of the scenery, only this crowd don't +pay no attention to him but just goes on +doing their work very languid-like; so I +judges they must belong to a union and +therefore can afford to be independent. +But most in general he devotes his yelling +to a whole multitude of folks all dressed up +in acting clothes with their faces painted +the curiousest ever I seen. And, at that, I +seen a sight of face-painting since I come to +New York! Under them funny lights their +skins is an awful corpsy greenish-yellowish-whitish +and their lips is purple, like as if +they has been drownded nine days and has +just now come to the top.</p> + +<p>He herds all these people together and +gets 'em set to act a piece. And then something +goes wrong. Either he ain't satisfied +with the lights or with their actions or else +he remembers something important which +has been forgotten and he yells for somebody +to fetch it, and six or eight runs to get +it and brings the wrong thing back, and he +raves and cusses under his breath and tells +everybody to go back to their marks and +start in all over again.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span></p> + +<p>And the next try is just the same as the +first. And the third try is not no more successful +than the other two was. So then the +director he shooes the whole crowd back +out of the way and walks up and down and +waves his arms and wildly states that he +hopes he may be hanged if he's going to go +on until they learns how to rehearse. And +I remarks to myself that if I was them +white folks I certainly would give him his +wish and hang him!</p> + +<p>So then everybody loafs round a spell, +whilst the director confabs with a little thin +nervoused-looking man called Mr. Simons, +with glasses on. And then the director announces +that they won't try to shoot the mob +scene today and all the extras can go till +nine o'clock tomorrow morning, and in the +meantime he trusts and prays that they may +get a little sense or something in their heads. +So, accordingly, most of the multitude departs +leaving only about a dozen or more +actor ladies and gentlemen setting round on +odds and ends and seemingly very grateful +for the peaceful lull.</p> + +<p>By this time I has done localized Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span> +Pulliam where he's standing over in a corner +talking with Miss Bill-Lee and a couple +more ladies, and I makes my way to him. +Doing so, I has to pass behind some of the +scenery. On the other side it's just like a +row of houses with roofs and porches and +all, but here on the behind-side of it there +ain't nothing only plastering laths and raggedy +ends of burlaps and chicken-coop wire +and naked joists. It puts me right sharply +in mind of some of these folks we has been +associating with up here—everything in +stock devoted to making a show for the +front and nothing except the rubbish left +over for the backing. Well, I reckons it's always +like that when you is making-believe +to be something you truly ain't, whether +it's in a moving-picture studio or out in the +great world at large.</p> + +<p>After I gives Mr. Dallas his coat he tells +me to hang round if I wishes to do so and +watch 'em working. So I hangs round. +But there ain't much working done for +quite a spell but, instead, a lot of general +speechifying and explaining betwixt this +one and that one. Finally though, the pestered<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span> +man he yells out something about being +ready to shoot an interior. All hands +rambles over to another part of the building +where there is more scenery which is +fixed up to look like the insides of a short-order +restaurant. One of the young ladies +and one of the young gentlemen sets down +at a table in front of the camera and lets on +to be eating a quick snack whilst a white +man, which is dressed up like a waiter and +blacked up to look like he's colored, waits +on 'em. The two at the table appears to be +giving satisfaction but the ruler of the roost +ain't pleased with the way the waiter acts +out his part.</p> + +<p>I ain't blaming him for not being pleased, +neither. To start with, the waiter is blacked +up too much. He don't look like he's genuine +colored; he looks more like he's been +shining up a cook stove and got most of the +polish rubbed off onto his face and hands. +He don't act like he's genuine colored, +neither. I judges he must have studied the +business of acting like colored folks from +watching nigger minstrel shows. He keeps +rolling his eyes up in his head and smacking<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span> +his lips, the same as an end-man does, +which is all right, I reckon, when you is an +end-man but which does not fill the bill +when you is letting on to be a sure-enough +black person; because for years past I ain't +never seen scarsely no minstrel man which +really deported himself as though he had +colored feelings inside of him.</p> + +<p>Still, I must say for him that he's doing +his level best to oblige. But what with him +trying to remember to keep the eyes rolling +and the lips smacking, and the director yelling +at him through that megaphome to do +the next step this-a-way or that-a-way, he's +presently so muddled up in his mind that it +seems like he can't get nothing at all accomplished. +It makes me feel actually sorry +for him; but I ain't sorry for the director. +One of 'em is ignorant and willing to admit +it; the other one is ignorant but is trying to +cover it up by behaving bossified and making +loud sounds and laying the blame on +somebody else. Leastwise, that's how I +figures it out. I says to myself, I says:</p> + +<p>"It's all wrong frum who laid the rail. +Yas suh, I'll tell the waitin' world they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span> +don't neither one of 'em onderstan' the leas' +particle 'bout nigger actions an' nigger depotemint."</p> + +<p>I must've said it out loud without thinking, +because right alongside me somebody +speaks up and says:</p> + +<p>"What do you know about this business?"</p> + +<p>I turns my head and looks, and it's that +there quiet little man with the big glasses +on, name of Mr. Simons.</p> + +<p>I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"I don't know nothin' 'bout this yere bus'ness, +but I does know somethin' 'bout bein' +cullid, seein' ez I is one myse'f."</p> + +<p>He sort of squints up his eyes like he's +got an idea. He says:</p> + +<p>"Could you take the director's place there +and show that man how to get through with +his scene?"</p> + +<p>"Who, boss, me?" I says. "No suit! I +mebbe mout could tek his place pervidin' +w'ite folkses didn't mind havin' me th'owin' +awders at 'em, but even so, I couldn't never +plant the right idees in 'at other gen'elman's +mind."</p> + +<p>"Why not?" he says.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span></p> + +<p>"'Cause it's plain to me," I says, "'at in +the fust place he ain't got no notion ez to +how a black boy would carry hisse'f whilst +waitin' on a table. 'Scuse me fur sayin' so +ef he's a friend of yours, but tha's the facts +of the case, boss—the feelin's ain't thar."</p> + +<p>"All right," he says, "then could you play +the waiter's part yourself?"</p> + +<p>"Well suh," I says, "mebbe I could ef +they wouldn't 'spect me to act lak a actor +but just 'lowed me to act lak a human bein'. +I ain't never done no actin'," I says, "but I +been a human bein' fur ez fur back ez I kin +remember."</p> + +<p>"You've got it!" he says. "What this +business needs in it is fewer people trying +to act and more people willing to behave +like human beings. How would you like +to put on the jacket and the apron that man +is wearing and see if you could get away +with the job he's trying to do?"</p> + +<p>"Ef 'twould be a favor to you—yas, suh," +I says. "But I'm' skeered the directin' +gen'elman mout object."</p> + +<p>"I think possibly I could fix that," he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span> +says. "I happen to be the owner of this +plant. I'll go speak to him."</p> + +<p>"Hole on," I says, "ef you please, suh. +The onliest way I could do it," I says, +"would be fur you to tell me jest whut you +wanted done an' 'en you'd have to mek all +hands stand back an' keep quiet whilst I +wuz tryin' to do it. It sho'," I says, "would +git me all razzle-dazzled to have some +gen'elman yellin' at me th'ough 'at megaphome +ever' half secont or so."</p> + +<p>"There's another idea that's worth experimenting +with," he says. "I've thought +the same thing myself before now. You +stay right here a minute."</p> + +<p>Well, to make a long story no longer, he +goes over and whispers something to the +director and first-off the director he shakes +his head like he's dead set against the proposition +but Mr. Simons keeps on arguing +with him and after a little bit the director +flings up both hands sort of despairful and +goes over and sets down at a little table, +looking very sulky. Then, Mr. Simons he +tells the blacked-up man to take off his +apron and his jacket and tells me to put<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span> +'em on me and then he tells me very slow +just what he wants me to do, but he says I'm +to do it my own way and if, as I goes along, +I thinks of anything else which a real colored +waiter would do under such-like circumstances, +why, I'm to stick that in, too.</p> + +<p>"Try to forget that it's all pretending," +he says, "and try to forget that there's a +camera grinding in front of you. Just remember +that you're a waiter in a cheap +dump serving a couple of young people +that have run away from home to be married +and are in a hurry to get something to +eat. Try to register your expectations of +getting a nice big tip from the young fellow. +And when you slip the girl the note +that'll tip her off to the fact that her old +sweetheart is waiting outside and wants to +see her, you want to make sure that the man +at the table with her can't see you, but that +people sitting out in the audience watching +the show will see the note pass. Get +me? We won't have any rehearsals—too +much preliminary stuff might make you +self-conscious. I'll have 'em start shooting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span> +just as soon as you come on. Now go to +it!"</p> + +<p>Which I does it all according to orders. +I must've gave utter satisfaction, too, because +when we gets through, everybody setting +round claps their hands and applauses +me same as if they was at a regular show—that +is, everybody does so except the director; +which he continues to act peevish. +This here Mr. Simons he goes yet farther +than applausing; he comes over to me and +he says I has put him under obligations to +me by helping him out and if ever I feels +like doing some more moving-picture work +just to call on him either down at his office +or up here at the studios, because he says +there ain't no telling when he may have another +show with a part in it for a smart +spry colored person. And with that he slips +his card into my hand and along with it a +ten dollar bill, which that is more money +than ever I has earned before in my whole +life for a light job, let alone just acting +natural for about five or six minutes.</p> + +<p>He starts on away then but suddenly he +turns round like a notion had just hit him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span> +between the eyes and he comes back to me +and says he wants to speak to me a minute +and I follows him back around a corner +where nobody won't be liable to hear us.</p> + +<p>"I want to ask you about something," he +says, when we arrives there. "You seem to +be a person who keeps his eyes and his ears +open; besides, you're colored yourself and +what I need here, I think, is somebody who +can look at a proposition from a colored +man's slant rather than from a white man's. +And finally, my guess is that you haven't +been away from your own part of the country +very long and that probably means you +haven't lost your perspective. Do you get +my drift?"</p> + +<p>I wouldn't know a perspective if I met +up with one in the big road but I ain't aiming +to expose my ignorance before this +strange gentleman. I tries to look like I'm +mighty glad that I've been so careful as not +to lose it and I tells him yes, sir, I gets his +drift.</p> + +<p>"Good," he says. "Well, making it +snappy, the idea is just this: New York +City is full of colored actors—not merely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span> +singers and dancers but real artists, some of +'em, who can act and are especially strong +in comedy. That's point number one. In +nearly every good-sized town in this country, +North and South, there's at least one +moving-picture house catering to your +people. That's point number two. But +day after day and night after night those +patrons see nothing but pictures written by +white people, directed by white men, and +acted by white people. That's point number +three. Now, I've been carrying round +a scheme in my head for quite awhile—a +scheme to try the experiment of turning out +a line of two-reelers, say, done by colored +casts, and selling them, if I can, to these +three or four thousand houses run by colored +people and playing to colored +people. I've got the studio right here—I've +got the organization and the equipment. +And at any time I need it I can put +my hand on plenty of acting material—colored +people, I mean—who'll only need +a little training to make 'em fit for my purposes. +Some of 'em have already had some +training—as extras around the local plants.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span> +As I dope it out, if I can produce pictures +which will appeal particularly to your +people I'll have a steady market through +the big exchanges; because, if I know anything +about the tastes of the general public, +white people will enjoy all-colored comedies—if +they're done right—almost as much +as colored people will. And that's point +number four. Now then, give me your idea +of the value of the notion?"</p> + +<p>"Mister," I says, "I kin only tell you how +one cullid pusson feels, w'ich 'at one is me: +The way I looks at it, you ain't needin' to +bother much 'bout fancy scenery an' special +fixin's—wid a crowd of niggers the mainest +p'int will be the actin'. The actin' part is +whar you can't fool 'em. An'," I says, "ef +you kin git holt of a crowd of cullid actors +w'ich is willin' to ack lak the sho'-nuff ole-time +cullid an' not lak onbleached imitations +of w'ite folks, it seems lak to me the +rest of it oughter be plum' easy. Mostly +I'd mek the pitchers comical, ef I wuz you. +You kin do 'at an' still not hurt nobody's +feelin's, w'ite nur black. Ef you wants to +perduce a piece showin' a lot of niggers<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span> +gittin' skinned, let it be another nigger +w'ich skins 'em. Then," I says, "w'en, at +the last, they gits even wid him it'll still be +nigger ag'inst nigger. An' ef, once't in +awhile, you meks a kind of a serious-lak +pitcher, showin', mebbe, how the race is +a-strivin' to git ahaid in the world, 'at ought +to fetch these yere new-issue cullid folks +w'ich," I says, "is seemin'ly become so +plentiful up Nawth. But mainly I'd stick +to the laffin' line ef I wuz you—niggers is +one kind of folks in 'is country w'ich they +ain't afeard to laff. An' whutever else you +does," I says, "don't mess wid no race problem. +We gits mouty tired, sometimes, of +bein' treated the way we of'en is. Tek my +own case," I says. "I ain't no problem, I's +a pusson. I craves to be so reguarded. An' +tha's the way I alluz is been reguarded by +my own kind of w'ite folks down whar I +comes frum," I says.</p> + +<p>"Say," he says, when I gets through saying +this, "I think you've earned another ten-spot." +And with that he shoves one more of +them desirable bills at me; which he don't +have no real struggle inducing me to take<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span> +it. Because I'm a powerful easy person to +control in such matters. And always has +been, from a child up.</p> + +<p>"I was practically convinced all along +that the proposition was worth trying," he +says. "What you say helps to confirm a +judgment I already had. Well, don't forget +about coming to see me if you want work +in my line—there may be plenty of it if this +thing pans out." And he shakes hands with +me again and walks off.</p> + +<p>Right after that a young white gentleman +he comes looking for me to take down my +full entitlements and he says I will be honorably +mentioned by name on the program +of the picture which they now is making, +when it's done. And Mr. Dallas he tells +me I can take the rest of the day off for to +celebrate having broke into the movies.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter X</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Black Belt</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>BUT I figures I has got something better +to do than just to be gallivanting +to and fro on a frolic. A notion has +busted out insides of my brains. So right +off I puts off across town for West One-Hundred +and Thirty-fifth Street hoping +for to find one U. S. G. Petty, Colored.</div> + +<p>Some time back, as I remembers, I made +brief mention about having affiliated myself +into the Pastime Colored Pleasure and +Recreation Club, Inc. Only, the last word—<i>Inc.</i>—is +not usually spoke when you is +naming the club, by reason of its sounding +so much like a personal reflection upon the +prevailing complexion of some of the members. +Still, that is the way it is wrote out +on the letter-heads and the initiation blanks.</p> + +<p>I has belonged for going on more than a +month now and I spends much of my spare<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span> +time in the club-rooms. I feels more comfortable +among my fellow-affiliators than I +does any place else in this town. Looking +back on it I'm convinced 'twas up there I +first began to get shut of the grievous homestick +pangs which afflicted me so sorefully +following after our advent into these parts. +Up to now I has not spoke of my being +homesick because it seemed like to me the +mainest job was to set down what come to +pass without paying much heed to private +sensations upon the part of the scribe +thereof, but, if the truth must now be confessed, +I oftentimes was mighty nigh completely +overcome by my sufferings from +the same during them opening weeks of the +present sojourn.</p> + +<p>At the beginning I used to get so tired, +night-times, tramping about streets which +was full of utter strangers and not never +speaking a word to nobody nor seeing a +friendly face, that I liked to died, dad-blame +if I didn't! If I stood still they'd run +right on over me and if I walked on I didn't +have nowheres to go and I'd be so exhaustified +from looking at sights all by myself<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span> +that I'd get to wishing I'd never see another +sight again as long as I lived, without +I had somebody I knowed along with me to +help me look at it. And then I'd come +morosing on back to the apartment and +probably Mr. Dallas he'd be out and nobody +there but that there slick-headed Japanee +boy. I tried sociable talk with him +once or twice but you really don't derive no +great amount of nourishment from talking +with somebody which thinks language is +sucking your breath in through your front +teeth and once in awhile grinning like one +of these here pumpkin Jack-mer-lanterns. +So I soon learned the lesson of just letting +him be.</p> + +<p>I'd go on back to my room and take off +my shoes for to ease my aching feet; but +whilst taking off your shoes is good for your +feet it don't help the ache in your soul none. +I'd set at the window and look out on them +millions and millions of lights, all winking +and blinking at me like hostile bright eyes, +and away down below me in the street I +could hear old automobile horns blatting +like lost ghosts, and every now and then<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span> +there'd rise up to my ears a sort of a rumble +and a roar, like as if New York City was +having indigestion pains; and I'll say it +positively was lonesome. I could shut my +eyes and see my own home-town with the +shade trees leaning down towards the sidewalks +like they was interested in what went +on underneath them, and I could hear the +voices of the neighbors, both white and +black, calling back and forth to one another +and I could seem to smell frying cat-fish +spitting in the skillet at old Uncle Isom +Woolfolk's hot snack-stand down back of +the Market House, and I also could smell +that damp, soothing kind of a smell which +it rolls in off the river on a warm night and +then—oh, my Blessed Maker!—something +would hurt me like having the misery in +your side.</p> + +<p>That's the way it was very frequent at the +outsetting. But pretty soon I gets acquainted +with a couple of colored boys +which works in the apartment house next +door to ours—not West Indians but regulation +colored boys, one being from Macon, +Georgia, and one from Memphis, Tennessee—and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span> +they takes to escorting me round +with 'em at night, mainly in what the white +folks calls the Harlem Black Belt. Fussing +back and forth, thuslike, I makes yet more +acquaintances and then—<i>bam</i>!—all at once +there's a quick change in me and I ain't +so choked up with lonesomeness like I was. +All of a sudden my having lived heretofore +always down in Kentucky has become to me +just a kind of a far-off dream and it's almost +like as if I had been a New York residenter +for years past. 'Specially does I feel +so when I goes up to the Pastime Club; +which I joins it by invitation about a month +ago and is now already being talked of for +one of the honory offices at the next annual +election which will come along in about +five or six weeks from now.</p> + +<p>I finds that the most of my race up here +aims to copy their actions after white folks +when they is showing themselves off in public. +They is forever trying to talk like +whites and trying to appear deeply oninterested +in passing things, the same as some +white folks does, and even trying to think +like whites, I expect. But when they gets<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span> +off amongst themselves their natural feelings +comes out on 'em and the true coloredism +breaks forth and they cuts loose and enjoys +themselves regardless. That's the way +it is behind the closed doors of our club-rooms. +Also, there's suitable games and indoor +sports such as coon-can and two-bit-limit +poker with the joker running wild and +a round of rumdoodlums after every face-full; +and when hunger gnaws at you there's +a Chinee restaurant right handy by, which +it caters 'specially to the colored trade. +Here is where I first meets a crock of this +here chop suey face to face; which it may +be a Chinee dish but certainly is got a kind +of an African flavor to it. If you can't get +a mess of cow-peas and some real corn-pones +and maybe half a fried young spring +chicken with an abundance of gravy, I +don't know of nothing which makes a more +desirable light snack between meals than +about fifty cents worth of chop suey with a +double order of boiled rice on the side and +some of that there greasy black Chinee +sauce to sop it in.</p> + +<p>It's one time in the front room of the club<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span> +that I first takes special notice of this here +U. S. G. Petty, which he is the same person +I goes a-seeking upon leaving the studios +on this day in question. The way he +comes to bring himself to my attention is +this way: One night five or six of us Pastimers +in good standing is setting round not +doing nothing in particular, but just setting, +when talk arises concerning of Gabriel, the +Black Prophet of Abyssinia, which his name +is now on everybody's tongue, more or less.</p> + +<p>It seems that the Black Prophet come +a-projecting himself onto the local scene last +spring, him claiming to hail from a far-off +latitude called Abyssinia, and immediately +he creates a big to-do, which is only to be +expected considering of his general aspect. +In the first place, he's a powerful orator and +just overflowing with noble large words. +In the second place, he's a great big over-bearing-looking +man and wearing at all +times a flowing garment of purple like the +night-shirt of a king, and instead of having +a hat on he's got his head all bandaged up +in many silken folds like he's got scalp-trouble. +Naturally, folks turns out to look<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span> +at him; but language and curious clothes +is not the sole things by which he recommends +himself. He's got something even +more compelling to the colored mind than +what these two is—he's had a glorious vision, +so he states, and he craves for to tell +about it on all occasions where folks'll give +heed; which they freely does, because he +certainly can explain the whyfores and +'numerate the whereases and show the +whereins. But showing wherein is his +main hold.</p> + +<p>From the way he tells it, he laid down +one night in his native country for to sleep +and whilst he slept an angel appeared before +him in a dream bearing a flaming scroll +and a golden sword, and the angel anointed +his brows with the oils of understanding +and wiped the scales of blindness from off +his eyes and smeared his lips with the salves +of eloquence—altogether, it seem like the +angel must a-been working on him half the +night getting him greased-up to suit. And +along towards morning the command is +laid on him to go forth into the world and +deliver his race from bondage in every<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span> +hemisphere there is. So it transpires that +he takes his foot in his hand and he comes +on across the seas over to these here United +States of North America and starts in his +ministrations in New York. Leastwise, +that is the account as he lays it down; which +he calls it an inspired prophecy from On +High but it sounds more to me like an inspired +real-estate scheme, because the plan +as he preaches it is that all us black folks +everywhere must straight-away rise ourselves +up and follow after him, which he +will then lead us back to our original own +country of Affika where he will cause all +the white folks which has settled there to +pull out and leave us in sole charge for to +rule the state and run our own government +and be a free and independent people from +thenceforth on forever. So you pays down +so much for to join and so much every +month in dues and soon then—to hear him +tell it—you will be happy on your way +across the ocean to find your haven in the +Promised Land.</p> + +<p>But not me! I ain't lost no haven. +Moreover, if ever anybody does promise me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span> +one-such I ain't aiming to go seeking after +it under the guidnance of a dark stranger +which he ain't no credentials for to endorse +him in my eyes, excusing it's a purple silk +night-shirt and a tale about him having +been lubricated all over with a lot of different +kinds of fancy ointments by an Abyssinian +angel. No sir, if I has to do traveling in +extreme foreign-off parts I'll go along with +some of my own white folks which I can put +trust in their words and dependence on their +acts. And, finally, the idea of my returning +to Affika does not seem to appeal to me in +no way nor at no time whatsomever. +What's the use of returning to a place +where you ain't never been? As I says to +myself the first time the notion is expounded +to me, I says:</p> + +<p>"I ain't frum Affika, I is frum Paducah, +Kintucky. Some of my former folks may +a-hailed frum there—leas'wise, tha's the +common rumor—but the Poindexter fambly +is been away so long it seems lak I ain't inherited +the taste to 'go traipsin' back. Mo'over, +ef whut I heahs 'bout it is correc', Affika +is full of alligators an' lions an' onreconciled<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span> +Bengal tigers an' man-eatin' cannibals, +w'ich I wouldn't be surprised but +whut they all of 'em 'specially favors the +dark meat. An' yere I is, a pernounced +brunette! So, w'en they starts makin' up +the excursion list they kin kin'ly leave my +name off, 'cause I 'spects to be very busily +engaged stayin' right whar I dog-goned +is!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter XI</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Afric Shores</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>THUS is what I says to myself, very +first crack out of the box and I subsequent +sees no reason for to change +my views. But this night at the Pastime +when the subject is brung forward for discussion, +I just lurks in a corner, not saying +nothing myself but doing some very vigorous +listening. Being a new member, the +way I is, I prefers not to declare myself in +at the go-off but just to sort of hang back +and catch the general drift of the old heads +before I commits myself.</div> + +<p>Regardless of your private convictions it +don't hurt you none, sometimes, to throw in +with the majority. Traveling with the current +instead of against it, you maybe is not +so prominent but you gets fewer bumps +across your head. A minnow sliding downstream +with a passel of other minnows<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</a></span> +stands a heap better chance of leading a +pleasant life than if he strives for to conspicious +himself by swimming upstream all +by himself. Old Brother Channel Cat is +liable to come sauntering down past the +towhead and see him going along there all +alone, and open wide that there big mouth +of his and then, little Mr. Minnow, I asks +you, where is you?</p> + +<p>So I sets and hearkens to the pow-wowing. +It seems that two or three present has +been swept right off their feet by the masterful +preachments of this here Gabriel the +Black Prophet. They is all organized up +for to accept him as the chosen apostle of +the colored race. It looks like they can't +hardly wait for the blessed day to come +when they'll pull out with him. They +'lows a lot of these here overbearing white +folks is going to feel mighty funny the +morning they wakes up and finds that all +the black folks is done up and gone from +'em and there ain't nobody left for to pack +their heavy burdens for 'em and wait on +'em, without they turns in and does it themselves. +They says a lot more like that.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[153]</a></span> +And pretty soon the old camp-meeting tone +comes creeping into their voices and their +eyes starts shining like they was repentant +sinners gathered at the mourners' bench +and they begins to sort of sing their words +and generally work themselves up into a +state of grace.</p> + +<p>Right about then this here U. S. G. Petty, +which they calls him 'Lisses for short, +speaks up. Until now he has been reared +back in his chair listening, the same as I is. +But now he opens up and his words hits +them onthusiastic ones like a dipperful of +ice-water throwed in their faces.</p> + +<p>He says to 'em, he says:</p> + +<p>"W'en does all you niggers 'at's so homesick +fur the sight of the dear Affikin shore +aims to start on yore jubilatin' way? I is +heared a lot tonight an' other times, too, +'bout this yere journey. I is heared it called +a crusade an' a pilgrimage an' a whole +passel of other fancy names. But so fur, +nobody ain't confided to me the details of +the departure."</p> + +<p>"The fust batch goes ez soon ez the fust +boat is ready," says one of the true believers,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span> +name of Oscar Jordan. "An' the rest +will follow wid rejoicin' on the other boats +of the fleet, ez they is made ready."</p> + +<p>"Well, me, I ain't seen hair nur hide of +one boat yit," says 'Lisses, "let alone it's a +whole fleet."</p> + +<p>"But ain't you seen the pitcher of her in +the litrychure w'ich the Black Prophet give +out?" says Oscar.</p> + +<p>"I has, Brother," says 'Lisses; "I suttinly +has. I also has seen pitchers of the late +Kaiser Ex-Wilhellum of Germany, but +that ain't no sign I 'spects to meet him strollin' +up Lenox Avenue some pleasant mawnin' +this comin' week."</p> + +<p>"Yas, but the bindin' paymints is done +been made on the fust ship," says Oscar. +"The Grand Treasurer, w'ich he is the +Black Prophet's brother-in-law by marriage, +he announce' the full perticulars at +the las' monster mass meetin'. He specify +she is to have a cullid brass-band on bode +an' a cullid string-band an' a cullid crew an' +a cullid cap'n an'——"</p> + +<p>"Uh huh!" says 'Lisses, "A cullid cap'n, +huh? All right, boy, you kin give yore confidences<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[155]</a></span> +to a cullid cap'n ef you's a-mind to. +But, speakin' ez yore friend an' well-wisher +I should advise you at the same time w'en +you is pickin' out your fav'rit' cullid cap'n +'at you lakwise also picks out yore fav'rit' +flower fur display at the memorial services +in case of a storm comin' up on the way +acrost the high seas. 'Cause," he says, "it +stands to reason the higher them seas is the +deeper they is; an' ef you gits yo'se'f +drownded out yonder it'll be a tho'ough +job. Mind you," he says, "I ain't sayin' +nothin' agin my own race so long ez they remains +whar they natchelly belongs, w'ich is +on the solid ground. But ef I'm goin' journey +acros't the broad Newlantic Ocean I +craves me a w'ite cap'n—yas, an' a w'ite +crew, too."</p> + +<p>One or two, including this here Oscar, +tries to break in on him but he keeps right +on. He says to 'em, he says:</p> + +<p>"I wonder is you Ole Home-Weekers +been figgerin' out how you is goin' git control +of yore beloved native Affika w'en you +arrives safely tharin? Seems lak to me tha's +a p'int w'ich you better be payin' a right<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[156]</a></span> +smart attention to it befo'hand. 'Cause, +frum whut I kin gather, w'ite folks is done +already laid claim to the most part of Affika +w'ich is fit fur a Christian to live in. +I bet you wharever they is a diamond-mine +or a gold diggin's or an ivory-mine or anythin' +wuth havin', you'll find a bunch of +w'ite men roostin' close't by, wid 'Posted' +signs up on every hand. Whut does you aim +to do 'en?"</p> + +<p>"They ain't got no right fur to be thar in +the fust place," says Oscar. "The Prophet +done oratate fully 'bout that. Didn't Affika +belong to us black folkses to begin wid? +Has we ever deeded it away? No, that we +ain't! Then it's still our'n, ain't it? So, +therefo', we goes back in force an' th'ough +our chosen leaders we demands 'at these +yere trespassers re-hands it back over to its +rightful owners, w'ich," he says, "tha's us."</p> + +<p>"Even so," says 'Lisses, "even so. You +lands an' you demands—an' 'en whut? +This yere country belonged once't upon a +time to the Injuns. An' w'ite folks come +along an' chiseled 'em out of it, didn't they? +They shore did so! But I ain't heared 'bout<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[157]</a></span> +no gin'el movemint in favor of turnin' it +back over ag'in to the Injuns. The Injuns +mout feel that-a-way but I ain't 'spectin' to +see many w'ite folkses votin' in favor of it.</p> + +<p>"Lis'sen: Once't you let w'ite folks git +they feets rooted in the ground an' they +stays fast, reguardless of whut the former +perprietors may think 'bout it. W'ite folks +in gin'el is very funny that way an' more +'specially ef they is Angler-Saxons. I don't +know, myse'f, whar this yere Angler-Saxony +is. I done look fur it on the map an' +'tain't thar. I reckin so many Angler-Saxons +must a-moved off to other parts of the +world seekin' whut they could confisticate +unto theyselves 'at the 'riginal country they +hailed frum has done vanish'. Jedgin' by +they names, some of 'em must a-been Scotch +an' some of 'em must a-been Irish and plenty +more of 'em must a-been English; but no +matter whut they names is, they is all alak +in one respec': an' tha's clingin' fast to all +the onimproved real-estate w'ich they gits +they hands on. I knows, 'cause I wuz born +and brung up 'mongst 'em down in No'th +Ca'lina. An' they is still a right smart<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[158]</a></span> +sprinklin' of 'em lef' 'round these yere +No'the'n parts, too. You jest try to mek +'em give up somethin' w'ich they desires fur +to keep on keepin' it, an' you'll find 'em a +powerful onhealthy crowd to prank wid. +They's a heap of talk," he says, "'bout the +other races, w'ich is pourin' in yere, crowdin' +'em plum out of Noo Yawk City in time, +notwithstandin' of 'em havin' been amongst +the fust settlers yere. But lemme tell you +somethin': Ef they wuzn' but two of them +Angler-Saxons lef' in this whole town I bet +you one of 'em would be the mayor an' the +other'd be the chief of police. Next to +holdin' on to the land, runnin' the gov'mint +is the most fav'rit' sport they follows after.</p> + +<p>"An'," he says, "ef 'at is true of this yere +country, you tek it frum me it's true of Affika. +Me, I looks fur a lot of cullid fun'els +to tek place befo' you has yore wish 'bout +regainin' yore former homestids over thar," +he says. Then his tone sort of changes. +"But," he says, "I has jest been statin' the +argumints on the No side. I wants to be +fair, so I will lakwise 'low there's somethin' +to be said on yore side, too. In fact," he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[159]</a></span> +says, "ef only the suitable 'rangemints kin +be made befo'hand, I aims to onlist myse'f +in wid the movemint an' give to it," he +says, "my most hearties' suppo't."</p> + +<p>That seems to sort of take 'em by surprise. +This here Oscar Jordan, being the +most gabby one, is the first to get over his +surprisement.</p> + +<p>"How come you kin feel that way, 'Lisses," +he says, "w'en fur the pas' ten minutes +you been preachifyin' agin the whole notion? +How come you willin' fur to remove +yo'se'f off to the perposed All-Affikin Republic +ef you holds them views w'ich you +jest expound?"</p> + +<p>"Who, me?" says 'Lisses. "You got me +wrong! I ain't aimin' to remove myse'f nowhars. +I is mos' comfor'ble whar I is at. +No suh, what I aims to do is to 'tach myse'f +to the collector's office yere at home an' +handle the money-dues ez they comes a-rollin' +in frum the rest of you niggers. That's +goin' be me an' my job—collectin' an' also +disbursin'—'specially the las'-named."</p> + +<p>I rises from where I is setting and I +crosses to him and I extends to him the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[160]</a></span> +right hand of fellowship and I says to him, +I says:</p> + +<p>"You," I says, "an' me both! I nominates +myse'f to he'p you wid them duties. +Brother Petty," I says, "you speaks words +of wisdom w'ich they sounds lak my own. +Le's us two promenade fo'th into the fresh +air of the evenin'," I says, "an' exchange +mo' views on the subjec's of the day. I +feels," I says, "'at we is goin' be agreeable +companions one to the other an' vice or +versa."</p> + +<p>So from that hour we becomes good +friends and sees quite much of one another. +And the more I sees of him the better the +cut of his jib seems to suit me. He follows +after cornet-playing for a living. He plays +in the orchestra at the Colored Crescent +Vaudeville Theatre on the corner below +where the Pastime Club is, so, what with +him being in the profession and us friends +and all, I thinks of him the next minute +after this big idea comes to me up at the +studio and that's why I goes seeking for him +in West One-Hundred and Thirty-fifth +Street; which without much trouble I finds<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[161]</a></span> +him. I takes him aside and I starts telling +him what I has in my mind. Before I has +been speechifying to him more than a minute +I can tell he's getting interested and he +begs me for to continue. And when I gets +through he's just acclamatious over the notion +of going in partners with me on the +proposition. So we spends the rest of the +day and until far into the night discussing +the thing from every angle.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[162]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter XII</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Business Deals</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>BRIGHT and early next morning, +along about half past ten o'clock, +which is bright and early for New +York, I is at Mr. Simons' offices down on +Broadway. I sends my name in to him by +a white boy which is on guard in an outside +room amongst a lot of gold railings. +In lessen no time at all the word comes +back that I is to walk right in. I walks in +and I finds Mr. Simons setting behind the +largest desk that ever I seen, in a room +mighty near big enough for a church. He +acts like he's glad to see me again and he +invites me for to have a seat and tell him +what's on my mind because, he says, he +found my conversation the day previous to +be most edifying and helpful.</div> + +<p>So I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Boss, I wants to ast you a question an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[163]</a></span> +'pun yore answer depends whither or no +I'm goin' ast you a favor lakwise?"</p> + +<p>"Shoot," he says.</p> + +<p>I says:</p> + +<p>"The question comes fust, w'ich it is ez +follows: Ef you is earnest 'bout goin' into +the mekin' of cullid pitchers fur cullid audiences, +lak you told me yistiddy, I desires +please, suh, to know w'en you aims to give +out yore plans to the public at large th'ough +the newspapers?"</p> + +<p>He says:</p> + +<p>"Pretty soon, I guess—just as soon as I +get the scheme sort of shaped up. Why—did +you want a job when we open up?"</p> + +<p>"Naw suh, not 'at so much," I says. "I +got a stiddy job now, valettin' fur Mr. Dallas +Pulliam. But I has a right smart extra +time on my hands an' I is been kind of +figgerin' on mebbe doin' a little somethin' +on the side in my sparin' hours. An' so, +whut I 'specially craves to know frum you +is whether, w'en you gits ready, you intends +fur to 'nounce yore plans in the cullid +papers yere in this town?"</p> + +<p>"Well," he says, "I hadn't thought of it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[164]</a></span> +before. But if it would mean anything to +you I'd see to it, personally, that it was +done and also that in the press notices your +name was mentioned in a complimentary +way as having given us valuable aid and +advice—something of that sort. I suppose +you'd like to be put in a favorable light +among your friends. Well, I don't blame +you. I'm somewhat addicted to printers' +ink myself. Was that the favor you wanted +to ask of me?"</p> + +<p>"Yas suh," I says, "in a way it 'tis an' then +again, in a way, it 'tain't. Yere's the idee, +boss: I wants to know frum you befo'hand, +ef you please, w'en you perposes to mek the +'nouncemint 'cause on 'at se'f-same day +they'll be 'nother 'nouncemint in the cullid +papers settin' fo'th 'at the new firm of +Poindexter & Petty 'spectfully desires to +state 'at they is openin' a bookin'-agency fur +cullid movin'-pitcher actors in the neighborhood +an' 'at lakwise also, in connection +wid it, a school fur trainin' cullid folks how +to ack fur the screen will later on be added +on."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[165]</a></span></p> + +<p>He rears back in his chair and sort of +smiles to himself, quiet-like.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I see," he says. "I congratulate you +on being wide-awake, anyhow. But," he +says, "what do you know about training +people to act for the screen?"</p> + +<p>"Well, suh," I says, "I wuz aimin' to pick +up a few p'inters yere an' thar fur future +use. An' ef the wust comes to the wust," I +says, "I kin get me a pair of these yere tall +yaller leather leggin's an' a megaphome an' +ack influential an' mebbe I could thar'by +git by," I says.</p> + +<p>"Some of the white directors are getting +by with about that much equipment," he +says. "Perhaps you could, too. Well, anyhow, +the venture has my best wishes for its +success. I can promise you a little more +than that: It's probable that later on I can +throw some business in your way."</p> + +<p>"Thanky, suh, mos' kindly," I says. "'At +wuz mainly whut I wuz hopin' fur."</p> + +<p>"Do you need any funds to help you out +in financing your undertaking?" he says.</p> + +<p>"Naw suh, I thinks not," I says. "I got +some ready cash on hand an' my partner<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[166]</a></span> +he's goin' put in a amount ekel to whut I +risks. Ef I needs any more on top of 'at, +I aims to ast Mr. Dallas Pulliam fur a small +loan."</p> + +<p>Then I tells him we lives at the Wheatley +Court so he can write to me there as soon +as he is ready to proceed ahead, and I bids +him good-bye and goes back on up-town +with hope singing inside of me like one of +these here yellow-breast field-larks down +home.</p> + +<p>It turns out though it's a good thing we +don't need no borrowed capital from Mr. +Dallas' pocketbook at the outsetting because +in lessen two months from that time Old +Miss Bad Luck starts shooting at him with +the scatter-gun of trouble, both barrels at +once.</p> + +<p>Which I will go into full details about +all that mess the next time I takes my pen +in hand.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[167]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter XIII</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Private Life</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>IT seems to me it's highly suitable that +I should get to the edge of telling about +Mr. Dallas' misfortunate visitations +just as Chapter the Thirteenth is starting, +which, as everybody knows full well already, +thirteen is the unluckiest number +there is in the whole alphabet.</div> + +<p>When you projects with old Lady Thirteen +you flirts with sudden disaster. With +Mr. Dallas, though, his troubles don't come +on all at once, like a stroke; they comes on +sort of gradual, one behind the other, like +the symptoms of a lingering complaint.</p> + +<p>Up to a certain point everything with us +has gone along very lovely, the same as usual, +with parties occurring regular at the +apartment and the Japanee boy cooking up +fancy mixtures, and me serving drinks by +the drove. Thanksgiving time we has a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[168]</a></span> +special blow-out with twelve setting down +to the table at once.</p> + +<p>But Christmas is when we cuts loose and +just naturally out-todos all previous todos. +All day long folks is dropping in to sample +the available refreshments and most of 'em +likes the sample so well they camps right +there till far into the night. I mingles up +a big glass reservoir full of egg-nog, which +it seems to give 'special satisfaction to one +and all. The way these here guests of ours +bails it up you'd think they was in a sinking +skiff half a mile from shore. As he ladles +out the first batch Mr. Dallas states that this +here egg-nog is made according to a recipe +which has been handed down in his family +since right after the Revolutionizing War. +But when she's took the second helping, +Miss O'Brien, who's got a mighty peart +way about her of saying things, allows that +it shore must be older even than that—she +says she's willing to bet it had a good deal +to do with bringing on the revolution.</p> + +<p>Of all the crowd that Mr. Dallas is in +with, I likes her the best. She's got a powerful +high temper and is prone to flare up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[169]</a></span> +when matters don't go to suit her; but it +seems like to me she ain't devoting so much +of her time as some of the others is to seeing +what she can get for nothing. Sometimes +I catches her looking at Mr. Dallas like as +if she's sort of sorry for him on account of +some reason or other. But to look at him +on this Christmas Day, doing his entertainingest +best, you'd think nothing had ever +bothered him and that nothing ever would. +As long as that egg-nog holds out he's +bound and determined the party shall be a +success. Which it is!</p> + +<p>But Mr. Bellows he ain't got no storage +room for egg-nogs. Seemingly he figures +that all them eggs and that rich cream and +sugar and stuff will take up space which is +needed for chambering the hard liquor. +He just sets off in a corner with a bottle of +Scotch and a bottle of squirtwater handy +by, curing his drought, or striving to. He +may not be such very good company but +one thing they've got to say for him—he's a +man of regular habits. You may not like +the habits, but they certainly is regular. I +hears Mrs. Gaylord saying once that Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[170]</a></span> +Bellows can hold any given number of +drinks, sort of pressing her voice down on +the word "given." She don't need to say +it twice, neither, so far as I personally is +concerned.</p> + +<p>I got her the first time.</p> + +<p>It's maybe two or three days after Christmas—anyhow +it's somewheres around the +middle of Christmas week—that I first +takes notice of a sort of a change coming +over Mr. Dallas' feelings. When there's +nobody else round but just me and him he +acts plumb bothered. His appetite is more +picky-and-choosy than it used to be; and by +these signs I can tell something is on his +mind a-preying. On New Year's Eve he +goes forth with his friends for a party but +first they all stops by our place for what +they calls appetizers and whilst they is gathered +together it comes out that him and +Miss Bill-Lee is now engaged. Not no +regular announcement is made but all of a +sudden, seems like, everybody present appears +to know how things stand with him +and her. Also, Miss Bill-Lee starts in +treating him more or less like he belonged<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[171]</a></span> +to her. I don't scarcely know how to state +it in words, but it's like as if up until now +she's been holding a piece of property under +mortgage but has finally decided for to +foreclose on it and is eager for the papers +to be fixed up in order for to begin making +improvements and alterations. She's what +you might call proprietary.</p> + +<p>Well, I can't say the news is much of a +shock to me, seeing what has been the general +drift of events since last August when +we first got here. But, on the other hand, +neither I can't say that, considering everything, +I'm actually overcome with joyfulness +on Mr. Dallas' personal account.</p> + +<p>I can't keep from thinking to myself that +he's fixing to marry himself off into a +mighty different set of folks from the kind +he was born and brung up amongst. And +I can't keep from thinking what a sight of +difference there is betwixt this here Miss +DeWitt and Miss Henrietta Farrell, which, +as I said before, he was courting her before +we moved to New York. One of 'em sort +of puts me in mind of a rosebud picked out +of the garden in the dew of the morning and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[172]</a></span> +the other, which I means by that, Miss De +Witt, reminds me of one of these here big +pale magnolia blooms which has growed +on the edge of a swamp. I ain't meaning +no disrespect by having these thoughts; +only I can't keep from having 'em.</p> + +<p>I reckon it's having them ideas floating +round in my head which makes me study +Mr. Dallas 'specially close that New Year's +Eve. For all that he's laughing and joking +and carrying on, I figures that way down +deep insides of him he ain't entirely happy +over what's come out. By my calculations, +he ain't got the true feelings which a forthcoming +bridegroom should have. As near +as I can judge, he ain't hopeful so much as +he's sort of resignated. Also and furthermore, +likewise, he's got a kind of a puzzled-up +beflusterated look on his face as if he'd +been took up short by something he wasn't +exactly expecting to happen so soon, if at +all. It ain't exactly bewildedment and it +ain't exactly distressfulness; but it's something +that's distant kinsfolks to both of 'em.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[173]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter XIV</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Oiled Skids</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>ANYWAY, that's that, as we says up +here. I will now pass along to +what comes to pass about two weeks +later on. All along through them two +weeks Mr. Dallas don't impress me like a +young man should which he is starting out +in the New Year full of good cheer and +bright prospects. As the catch-word goes, +he ain't at himself. At the breakfast table +when I'm passing things to him he's often +looking hard at nothing at all. It's plain +his thoughts is far away and not so very +happy in the place where they've strayed +off to, neither.</div> + +<p>Well, on this particular day, which it is +along toward the middle of the present +month of January, he don't get home from +down-town until long after dinner-time and +when he does get in he don't scarcely touch<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[174]</a></span> +a morsel to eat; he just pecks at the vittles. +After dinner is over and the dishes washed +up I passes through the hall on the way out, +being bound for the Pastime Club to consultate +with 'Lisses Petty touching on our +own private affairs. Mr. Dallas had +told me at dinner that I could have the evening +off and there was not no reason why +I should linger on. But as I passes the setting-room +door I looks in and he's setting +there, sort of haunched down in his chair, +with his elbows resting on a little table and +his face in his hands, seemingly mighty +lonesome. Something seems to come over +me and I steps in and I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"'Scuse me, Mr. Dallas, fur interruptin' +yore ponderin's, but is they anythin' I kin +do fur you befo' I goes on out?"</p> + +<p>He sort of starts and looks up at me, and +if ever I sees miserableness staring forth +from a person's eyes I sees it now. He +speaks to me then and what he says hits me +with a jolt. Because this is what he says:</p> + +<p>"Jeff, why is it that white people are forever +committing suicide on account of their +private worries but you never hear of a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[175]</a></span> +darky killing himself for the same reason?"</p> + +<p>I studies for a minute and then I says:</p> + +<p>"Well, Mr. Dallas, I reckin it's 'is yere +way: A w'ite man gits hisse'f in trouble an' +he can't seem to see no way to git shet of it. +An' so he sets down an' he thinks an' he +thinks an' he thinks, and after 'w'ile he +shoots hisse'f. A nigger-man gits in trouble +an' he sets down an' he thinks an' he thinks +an' he thinks—an' after 'w'ile he goes to +sleep!"</p> + +<p>He smiles the least little bit at that. But +it is not no regulation smile—it's more like +the ha'nting ghost of one.</p> + +<p>"But suppose you're brooding so hard +you can't sleep?" he says.</p> + +<p>"I ain't never seen no nigger yit," I says, +"but whut he could sleep ef the baid wuz +soft 'nuff. They may not be many 'vantages +in bein' black, the way the country is organized," +I says, "but this is shore one place +whar my culler has it the best."</p> + +<p>He don't say anything back at me. So +after lingering a little bit I starts to move +on out. And then another one of them inmost +promptings leads me to speak again:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[176]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "sometimes we kin +lif' the load of our pestermints ef only we +talks 'bout 'em to somebody else. Sometimes," +I says, "it's keepin' 'em all corked +up tight on the insides of us w'ich meks the +burden bear down so heavy.... Wuz they +anything else, suh, 'at you wished fur to +ast me?"</p> + +<p>It seems like my words must have put a +fresh notion in his head.</p> + +<p>"Jeff," he says, "you're right. I've got +to confide in somebody—or else explode. +Besides," he says, "I figure that if there is +one person in all the five or six million +people in this town who's likely to be a +real friend to me, it's you. And while my +talking to you probably can't do any good, +it certainly can't do any harm."</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "I is yore frien' an' +yore desperit well-wisher, besides. Sence +I been wukkin' fur you you shore is used me +mouty kind. I ain't never had nary speck +nur grain of complaint to find wid yore +way of treatin' me. You's w'ite an' I is +black," I says, "an' sometimes, seems lak +to me, the two races is driftin' fu'ther apart<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[177]</a></span> +day by day; but all that ain't henderin' me +frum havin' yore bes' intrusts at heart.</p> + +<p>"An' so, suh, ef you feels lak givin' me +yore confidences I'm yere to heed an' to +hearken an' do my humble but level bes' fur +to aid you, ef so be ez I kin."</p> + +<p>"I believe you," he says, "and I'm grateful +to you.... Well, Jeff, to put it plainly, +I've gone and got myself tangled up in a +bad mess."</p> + +<p>"Whut way, suh?" I says.</p> + +<p>"In two ways," he says; "in business—and +in another way. I've been an ass, Jeff—a +blind, witless ass. This life here was +so different from any I'd ever known—so +different and so fascinating—that it just +swept me off my feet. I've been drifting +along with my eyes shut, having my fling, +letting today take care of itself and with +no thought of tomorrow. As I look back +on it, it strikes me I always have been more +or less of a drifter. Down yonder, among +our own people, there always was somebody +who'd step in once in awhile and +check me up. But up here in this big selfish +greedy town, among strangers, I've had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[178]</a></span> +nobody to advise me or to show me where +I was making a fool of myself. And, believe +me, I have made a fool of myself. I +guess what I need is a guardian—only I +doubt whether I'd find the money eventually +to pay for his services.... Jeff, if +I was free of these—these—well, these entanglements—I +tell you right now I'd be +willing to quit New York tomorrow and +take the next train back home where I belong."</p> + +<p>He studies a minute and then he continues +to resume:</p> + +<p>"Yes," he says, "I'd head for home in the +morning—if I could. It has taken a hard +jolt to open my eyes but, believe me, they're +opened now. The chief trouble is, though, +that even with them opened I can't see any +way out of the tangle I'm in. Jeff, the big +mistake I made at the start was that I tied +up with the wrong outfit. I thought I was +joining in with a group of typical successful +live New Yorkers; I know now how +wrong I was. There must be plenty of +real people here—people who take life in +moderation; people who are fair and kindly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[179]</a></span> +and reasonable; people who can find +pleasure in simple things and who don't +pretend to know all there is to know, or to +be what they're not. But I haven't met +them; I've been too busy running with the +other kind."</p> + +<p>Down in my soul I says to myself there's +a chance for him to pull out yet if he's beginning +to see the brass-work shining +through the gold plating which has so +dazzled him up heretofores. Yes sir, if he's +found out all by himself that New York +City ain't exclusively and utterly composed +of the Mr. H. C. Raynorses and the Mr. +Hilary Bellowses and such, there certainly +is hope for him still. All along, up to now, +I've been saying to myself that it looks like +the only future Mr. Dallas has to look forward +to, is his past; but now I rejoices that +he's done woke up from his happy trance. +But of course I don't let on to him that such +is my feelings. I merely says to him, I +says:</p> + +<p>"I ain't the one to 'spute wid you on 'at +p'int, suh. Naw suh, not me! But whut's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[180]</a></span> +the reason you can't pull out frum yere, ef +you's a-mind to?"</p> + +<p>At that he lights in and the language just +pours out from him like a flood. There's +a lot of rigmarole about business, and some +parts of this I cannot seem to rightly get +the straight of it into my head, but I'm +pretty sure I gets the hang of all the main +points clear enough. To begin with, I +learns now for the first time that him and +Mr. Raynor ain't actually been selling oil +down-town; they've been selling oil-stocks, +which as near as I can figure it out, an oil-stock +is the same kin to oil that a milk-ticket +is to milk, only it's like as if the man +which sells you the milk-tickets ain't really +got no cows rounded up yet but trusts in +due time he'll be able to do so. Still, if +there is folks scattered about who's willing +to take the risk that the milkman will amass +some cows somewhere and that the cows +won't go dry or die on him or be grabbed by +the sheriff and thereby leave the customers +with a lot of nice new onusable milk-tickets +on their hands why, the way I looks at it,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[181]</a></span> +there ain't no reason why their craving for +to invest should not be gratified.</p> + +<p>It seems, furthermore, that Mr. Raynor +ain't actually been selling as many oil stocks +in the general market as he has let on. +Leastwise, that is what Mr. Dallas suspicions, +even if he can't prove it. When +first they went into partners together last +August, Mr. Dallas tells me he put up a +large jag of money for his half-interest. +He was content to let Mr. Raynor manage +the business and keep the run of the books +and all that, seeing as how Mr. Raynor had +the experience in such matters and he +didn't. Anyhow, he felt most amply satisfied +with the gratifying amounts which Mr. +Raynor kept handing over to him, saying it +all was from the profits. But this very day +there's been a show-down at the office growing +out of Mr. Raynor having called on him +to put up another big chunk of cash for +running expenses, and whilst all the figures +and all the details ain't been made manifest +to Mr. Dallas yet, he's got mighty strong +reasons to believe there really wasn't no +profits to speak of and that the money he's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[182]</a></span> +been drawing out all along was just his own +money, which Mr. Raynor let him have it +in order to keep him happy and contented +whilst he was being sucked in deeper and +deeper.</p> + +<p>And so now, Mr. Dallas says, that's how +it stands. If he goes on and on along the +way he seems to be headed it's only a question +of time till all his money will be plumb +drained from him. He tells me that he'd +be willing to pull out now and take his +losses and charge 'em up to the expenses of +getting a Wall Street education only, he +says, he can't. I asks him then what's the +reason he can't? He says because when the +papers was drawed up—by Mr. Raynor—he +obligated himself in such a twistified +way that it seems he's bound hard and fast +to stick to the bitter end. Of course, he +says, he might start a lawsuit and throw the +whole thing into the courthouse, but, even +so, he's afraid he wouldn't have a leg left +to stand on by reason of his having tied himself +up so tight in writing; and anyway, he +says, before he got through with a lawsuit<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[183]</a></span> +most doubtless the lawyers would have all +the leavings.</p> + +<p>To myself I says there is still another +reason. I knows how much it would hurt +Mr. Dallas' pride to have all the folks +down home finding out that he's made another +disasterful move in business. By +roundabout ways it has come to my ears +that he's been writing letters back telling +about how well he's doing up here in New +York and now, if it should come out in the +papers that he's made one more bad bustup +on top of all them finance mistakes he +committed before he come North, and he +should have to go South again, broke and +shamed at being broke, I reckons it would +just about kill him. Besides which I knows +full well from hearing Judge Priest talking +in the past, that even in medium-sized +towns lawyers is plenty costive persons to +hire for an important lawsuit, and in the +biggest town of all, where the lawyers +naturally run bigger, they'd cost a mighty +heap more.</p> + +<p>When he gets through specifying the situation +I gets another notion:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[184]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I wonder," I says, sort of casual-like, +"I wonder, Mr. Dallas, w'y it wuz 'at Mr. +H. C. Raynor should a-picked this pertic'lar +moment fur callin' on you fur a big +bunch of cash, 'specially w'en ef he'd a-kept +silence you'd a-prob'ly gone on wid him, +never 'spicionin' anything wuz wrong?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I'm not so stupid but what I can +figure that out," he says. "He's afraid so +much of my money will be spent soon in +another direction that he'll be deprived of +the lion's share of what is left. He wants +to strip me down close while the stripping +is good."</p> + +<p>"In 'nother direction?" I says, kind of +musing. "I wonder whut 'at other direction +kin be?"</p> + +<p>"Can't you guess?" he says.</p> + +<p>"Yas suh," I says, "I kin; but I didn' +think 'twould be seemly fur me to start +guessin' along 'at line widout you opened +up the way fust."</p> + +<p>"Jeff," he says, "I feel like a low-down +dog to be dragging in a woman's name, +even indirectly; and so I guess the best +thing I can do in that direction is to keep<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[185]</a></span> +my mouth shut and take my medicine. It +appears that here lately I've acquired the +habit of committing myself to serious obligations +at times when I'm not exactly +aware of what I'm doing. At the moment, +I don't seem to remember how it all comes +about; then I wake up and I find I'm +signed, sealed and delivered. I may be +the damndest fool alive, but at least I'm an +honorable fool. I was raised that way. +Where my sense of personal honor is concerned +I'm going to stick, no matter what +the costs may be. I've been fed fat on +flattery; now it's time for me to sup on sorrow +awhile. Do you get my drift?"</p> + +<p>"Yas suh, I think I does," I says. "Mr. +Dallas," I says, "'scuse me fur persumin' +to keep on 'long 'is yere track, but is you +right downright shore 'at you solemnly engaged +yo'se'f in the holy bonds of wedlock +to the lady in question?"</p> + +<p>"I suppose I did," he says. "I must +have. She assumes to think so—everybody +else assumes to think so. And yet, as +Heaven is my judge, I never intended to +lead anybody to believe that I wanted to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[186]</a></span> +make a marriage up here. It—it just happened, +Jeff—that's all. I can see now how +a lot of things have been happening and +why. But what can I do to clear myself +from either one of these two tangles? I've +asked myself the question a hundred times +since noon today and there's no answer. I +can't lick Raynor at his own game; he's +too wise; he's covered his prints too well. +When I hinted at a lawsuit this afternoon +he laughed in my face and told me to go +ahead and sue. And, as for the other thing—well, +unless I go through with it, against +my will and my better judgment, it means +a breach of promise suit, or I miss my guess. +Besides, I still have some shreds of self-respect +left. I can't deliberately try to break +an engagement which, I suppose, I must +have made in good faith."</p> + +<p>"S'posen' the lady herse'f wuz to up an' +brek it on her own 'sponsibility?" I says. +He laughed kind of scornful.</p> + +<p>"No chance," he says; "no such luck for +me! I've walked blindfolded into every +trap that was set for me and now it's up to +me to play the string out till the last penny<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[187]</a></span> +is gone. At the present rate that shouldn't +take long. But see here, Jeff, I wonder +why I sit here unburdening my woes on +you? I know you would help me if you +could, but what can you do? What can +anybody do?"</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "you can't never +tell. Sometimes the humblest he'ps out the +greates'. Seems lak I heared tell 'at once't +'pon a time 'twuz the gabblin's of a flock of +geese w'ich saved one of these yere up-state +towns—Utica, or maybe 'twas Rome. +I don't rightly remember now whut 'twas +ailed 'at town; mebbe 'twuz fixin' to go fur +William Jinnin's Bryant?—somethin' lak +'at! Anyway, the geese gits the credit in +the records fur the savin' of it. An' ain't +you never read whur a mouse comes moseyin' +'long one time an' gnawed a lion loose +frum the bindin' snares w'ich helt him? +So, ez I says, you can't never tell. But I +wonder would you do me a small favor? +I wonder would you read a piece out of a +su'ttin book ef I wuz to bring it to you out +of the liberary, an' w'en you'd done 'at ef +you would go on to baid an' try to compose<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[188]</a></span> +yore min' an' git some needful sleep?"</p> + +<p>"What's the idea?" he says.</p> + +<p>"Nummine," I says. "Wait 'twell I +fetches you the book."</p> + +<p>So I goes and gets it down from the shelf +where it belongs. It's the furtherest one +of a long row of big shiny black books, +which all of them has got different names. +But the name of this one is: <i>Vet to Zym</i>.</p> + +<p>He takes a look at it when I lays it before +him, and he says:</p> + +<p>"Why, this is a volume of the Encyclopedia! +What bearing can this possibly +have on what we've just been talking +about?"</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "you's no doubt +of'en seen ole Pappy Exall, w'ich he is the +pastor of Zion Chapel, struttin' round the +streets at home in times gone by? Well, +the Rev'n. Exall may look lak one-half of +a baby-elephant runnin' loose, but lemme +tell you, suh, he ain't nobody's bawn fool. +One time yere some yeahs back he got hisse'f +into a kind of a jam wid his flock 'count +of some of 'em bein' mos' onhighly dissatisfied +wid the way he wuz handlin' the funds<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[189]</a></span> +fur to buy a new organ fur the church. +Nigh ez they could figger it out, he'd done +confisticated the organ money to his own +pussonal an' private pu'pposes. Try ez +they mout, they couldn't nobody in the congregation +git no satisfaction out of him reguardin' +of it. So one evenin', unbeknownst +to him, a investigatin' committee +formed itse'f, an' whilst he was settin' at +the supper-table they come bustin' in on +him an' demanded then an' thar how 'bout +it? Wid one voice they called on him to +perduce an' perduce fast, else they gwine +start yellin' fur the police. Wid that he +jest rise up frum his cheer an' he look 'em +right in the eye an' he say to 'em, very ca'mlak: +'My pore bernighted brethren, in response +to yore questions I directs yore +prayerful considerations to Acts twenty-eighth +an' seventeenth, also Timothy fust +an' fifth, lakwise Kings sixth an' fust. +Return to yore homes in peace an' read the +messages w'ich is set fo'th in the 'foresaid +Scriptures an' return to me yere on the +morrow fur fu'ther guidance.' Well, they +all dashes off fur to dig up they Bibles an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[190]</a></span> +see whut the answer is. Bright an' early +next mawnin' they comes back to say 'at +w'ile them is mighty fine-soundin' verses +w'ich he bade 'em to read, still they ain't +nary one of 'em w'ich seems to relate in any +way whutsomever to a missin' organ fund. +Then he smiles sort of pitiful-lak an' he +reaches his fat hand down in his britches +pocket an' he hauls out the money to the +las' cent. The trick w'ich he had done +played on 'em had give him a chanc't to +slip out an' borrow 'nuff frum a couple of +w'ite gen'elmen frien's of his'n fur to mek +up the shortage. Whut he needed wuz time +an' time wuz whut he got.</p> + +<p>"Now, Mr. Dallas, I aims to borrow a +lesson frum the example of ole Pappy Exall. +I asts you to set yere an' read a chapter +out of 'is yere book. It don't mek no +diff'ence to me w'ich chapter 'tis you reads, +jes' so it's a good long one. I done looked +th'ough 'at book the other day an' most of +the chapters in it is long an' all of 'em is +tiresome. You jes' read 'twell you gits +good an' sleepy an' 'en you go on to baid<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[191]</a></span> +an' refresh yo'se'f in slumber. An' in the +meanwhile I aims to steddy right hard over +these yere pressin' matters of your'n an' see +ef I can't see the daylight breakin' th'ough +somewhars."</p> + +<p>I can tell by his looks that he ain't got +no hope of success on my part, but he's so +plumb wore out from worrying that he ain't +got the spirit for to resist me. He says to +me he won't promise to read the book, but +he will promise to try to lay aside his +botherments and go to bed early, which +that is sufficient for me.</p> + +<p>I leaves him there and I goes back to my +room, after telephoning to 'Lisses Petty +that something important has come up at +our place which will detain me away from +him for the time being. And then, when +I gets to my room, I sets down and takes +off my shoes. It seems like I always could +think better when my feet was freed from +them binding shoes.</p> + +<p>When a nigger boy is fixing to run his +fastest he's got to snatch his hat off and sail +bareheaded; and I'm much the same way<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[192]</a></span> +about my feet when I craves to think. So, +my shoes being off, I just rears back and +sets in for to give the problems before me +the fullest considerations.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[193]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter XV</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Vet to Zym</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>THE way it looks to me, here is Mr. +Dallas Pulliam, one of the most +free-hearted, good-willingest young +white gentlemen that ever lived, about to +be throwed to the raveling wolves. He's +elected to be the live meat, with a two-sided +race on to see which one of the contesters +can pick and clean him the quickest. And +so, if he's going to be saved for future references, +something is got to be done and done +mighty speedy, too, else there won't be nothing +left but the polished bones.</div> + +<p>I therefore splits up my thinking into +two parts; first I studies a spell about the +one proposition and then I studies a spell +about the other. To tell the truth, though, +I don't need to have so very many concernings +over the case of Mr. H. C. Raynor. +I did not let on to Mr. Dallas what was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[194]</a></span> +passing through my mind, but at the very +same instant when he turned to me for help +after telling about the row down-town at +the oil offices with Mr. Raynor, I hit spang +on what might turn out to be proper medicine +for what ails the gentleman. It ain't +so very long, setting there in my room by +myself, before the scheme begins to sort of +routine itself out and look like something.</p> + +<p>With regards to him I'm going mainly +on the facts that he's like a lot of these here +Northerners which ain't never been down +South to speak of, and is therefore got curious +ideas about the South in general. Long +time before this I has took note that he +thinks a colored person naturally enjoys +being called "a dam black rabbit" or "a +worthless black scoundrel" whilst he's +waiting on white folks. Also, he can't +seem to get over my failing to say "Yas, +Massa" and "No, Massa" when Mr. Dallas +asks me a question; and I can tell he's kind +of put out because I don't go round speaking +of myself as "dis nigga" this and "dis +nigga" that and "dis nigga" the other thing. +In other words, I ain't living up to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[195]</a></span> +character of the imaginary kind of a Southern-raised +black man, which he's been led +to expect I'd be from reading some of these +here foolish writings which they gets out +up here from time to time.</p> + +<p>I knows full well what his sensations is +in these matters, not only from the look on +his face, but from one or two things which +I has overheard him saying in times past. +So now I just puts two and two together, +and I says to myself that if he's entertaining +them misled ideas about my race, he doubtless +is also got the notion in his head that +every quality white gentleman from down +South, and more especially them which +hails from Kentucky, totes a pistol on the +flank and is forever looking for a chance to +massacrete somebody against which he's +took a disfancy. I remembers now that he +asked me once how many feuds there was +going on in our part of the state at the present +time. Rather than disappoint him, I +tells him several small ones and one large +one. And another time he wants to know +from me whether they ever tried anybody +in earnest for shooting somebody down our<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[196]</a></span> +way. Secretively, at the time, I pities his +ignorance, but I ain't undertaking to wean +him from his delusions, because if that's his +way of thinking it ain't beholden on me to +try to educate him different. Looking back +on it now, I'm mighty glad I didn't try +neither, because in the arose situation I +figures that his prevailing beliefs is going +to fall right in with my plans.</p> + +<p>Inside of half an hour I is through with +him and ready to tackle the other matter, +which is a harder one, any way you look at +it. I takes my head in both my hands and +I says to myself: What kind of a lady is this +here one we got to deal with? With her +raisings, what does she probably like the +best in the world? What does she probably +hate the most in the world? What +would scare her off and what would make +her mad, and what is it would probably +only just egg her on? What would she shy +from, and what would she jump at? +Where would she be reckless, and where +would she be careful? And so on and so +forth.</p> + +<p>All of a sudden—<i>bam</i>!—a notion busts<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[197]</a></span> +right in my face. Casting round this way +and that for a starter to go by, I recalls to +mind what I heard Judge Priest norrating +years ago touching on a funny will which +a rich man in an adjoining county to ours +drawed up on his death-bed, and how the +row over it was fit out in the courts, and +with that I says to myself, I says:</p> + +<p>"Hallelujah to my soul, ole problem, I +shore does believe I's got you whar the wool +is short—dog-gone me ef I don't!"</p> + +<p>It's getting on towards eleven o'clock +when I puts my shoes back on and slips in +to see what Mr. Dallas is doing. He's still +setting right where I left him, with the +book in front of him. But his eyes, seems +to me, is beginning to droop a little. Well, +there ain't nobody living could linger two +hours over that there old <i>Vet to Zym</i> without +getting all drowsied up.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "I thinks the daylight +is startin' to sift in th'ough the cloakin' +clouds. I seems to see a bright streak, +in fact a couple of streaks. But, even so, +I is got to be lef' free to wu'k things out my +own way. Is you agreeable, suh?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[198]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Jeff," he says, "I'm in your hands. +There's no one else into whose hands I can +put myself. What do you want me to do?"</p> + +<p>"Well suh," I says, "first I wants you fur +to go tek off yore things an' git yo'se'f +settled in baid fur the night. Tha's the +starter."</p> + +<p>"Agreed," he says—"and then, what?"</p> + +<p>"Well, next," I says, "I don't want you +to go down-town a-tall tomorrow. I want +you fur to stay right whar you now is. In +the mawnin' keep 'way frum the telephone. +Ef I ain't yere to answer it jes' you an' +Koga let it ring its haid off an' don't pay it +no mind. In the afternoon you may have +a 'portant visitor answerin' to the entitlemints +of Mr. H. C. Raynor, Esquire. Befo' +he gits yere tell you whut's to come +off betwixt you two, purvided the perliminary +'rangemints, ez conducted by me, has +wukked out all right. But I ain't aimin' +to tell you the full plans yit—too much is +got to happen in the meantime. Tomorrow +is plenty time."</p> + +<p>"Just as you say," he says. "I'm going +to my room now."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[199]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Wait jes' one minute, please suh," I +says, as he gets up. "Mr. Dallas, you +ain't ownin' no pistol, is you?"</p> + +<p>"What would I be doing with a pistol?" +he says, sort of puzzled. "I never owned +one in my life—I don't believe I ever shot +one off in my life." Then a kind of a +shamed smile comes onto his face. "Why +Jeff," he says, "you aren't taking seriously +what I said early tonight about suicides, +are you? You needn't worry—I'm not +thinking of shooting myself yet awhile."</p> + +<p>"I ain't worryin' 'bout 'at," I says; "I +ain't figgerin' on you shootin' yo'se'f, +neither I ain't figgerin' on yore havin' to +shoot nobody else. Never'less, though," I +says, "an' to the contrary notwidstandin', +sence you ain't got no pistol, you's goin' to +have one befo' you is many hours older—a +great big shiny fretful-lookin' one."</p> + +<p>"What am I to do with it after I get it?" +he says.</p> + +<p>"Mr Dallas," I says, "please, suh, go on +to bed lak you promised me. I got a haidache +now, clear down to the quick, jes' +frum answerin' my own questions."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[200]</a></span></p> + +<p>I speaks this to him just like he is a little +boy and I is his nurse. And off he goes, +just like a wore-out, desponded, onhappy +little boy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[201]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter XVI</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Lady-Like!</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>AS I looks back on it now, after the +passing of two weeks or so, it seems +to me I never traveled so fast and +covered so much ground in all my born +days as I did on the next day following +immediately along after this here night +before. For awhile you just naturally +couldn't see me for the dust.</div> + +<p>In the first place, right after breakfast-time, +I glides out and I scoots up-town and +I puts up ten dollars for security and thereby +I borrows the loan of one of his extra +spare revolvers off of a yellow-complected +person named Snake-Eye Jamison, which +it is his habit to go round the colored districts +recommending himself as the coroner's +friend and acting very gunnery towards +parties that he gets dissatisfied with. +I don't know how many folkses he's killed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[202]</a></span> +in his life, but he must bury his dead where +they falls, because I ain't never had none +of the gravestones pointed out to me. But, +anyway, he goes heeled on both hips at all +times. But I makes him onload her before +he turns her over to me, because I is not +taking no chances on having that thing going +off accidental and maybe crippling +somebody. I totes this here large and +poisonous-looking chunk of dark-blue +hardware back to the apartment and stores +it in a safe place where I can put my hand +upon it on short notices.</p> + +<p>Then I waits till Mr. Dallas is in the +bathroom with the water running so as to +hide the sound of my voice, and I goes to +the telephone and I calls up Miss Bill-Lee's<a name="FNanchor_3_4" id="FNanchor_3_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_4" class="fnanchor">[3]</a> +number over on Riverside Drive.</p> + +<p>She must've rose early so as to have her +complexion laid on so it'll get set good before +she goes out for the day; because it's her +which answers my call instead of the maid. +I tells her it's me on the wire and I asks +her, as a special favor, can I run over to +her flat as soon as it's agreeable, to speak +to her on a very important matter? She +says yes, so eager-like it must be she's expecting +I'm fetching a present from Mr. +Dallas same as I has done quite often before +this. She says I can come at ten +o'clock.</p> + +<p>Ten o'clock and I'm at the door. She's +in her sitting-room waiting for me. She +looks sort of disappointed when she sees I +ain't brought along no flowers nor no candy +nor no jewelry-box nor nothing with me; +but she welcomes me very kindly. I don't +lose no time getting going.</p> + +<p>"Miss DeWitt," I says, making my voice +as winning as I can, "now 'at you an' Mr. +Dallas is fixin' to git married to one 'nother +I been wonderin' 'bout what's goin' become +of me in the shuffle. I 'preciates 'at he laks +me fuss-rate; but he idolizes you so deeply +'at I knows he wouldn't keep on keepin' me +nur nobody else round him widout he wuz +shore 'at you laked 'em, too. Tha's what's +been worryin' me—the question whether<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[204]</a></span> +you felt disposed agreeable to me? An' +so, after broodin' over the matter fur goin' +on it's nearly a week, I finally has tuck the +liberty of comin' to speak to you 'bout it. +Yassum!"</p> + +<p>"Jefferson," she says kind of indifferent +and yet not hostile, "I have nothing against +you—in fact I rather like you. If your +services are satisfactory to Dallas I shall +have not the slightest objection to his keeping +you on as his servant."</p> + +<p>"Thanky, ma'am," I says, "hearin' you +say 'at frum yore own lips su'ttinly teks a +big load offen my mind. I strives ever to +please. 'Sides, I got a mighty winnin' +way wid chillen. I'll come in handy w'en +it comes to he'pin' out wid the nursin' an' +all lak 'at."</p> + +<p>She sets up straight from where she's +been kind of half-laying down and some of +that chain-gang jewelry of hers gives a +brisk rattle.</p> + +<p>"Children!" she says, plenty startled. +"What in the world are you talking about?"</p> + +<p>I answers back like I'm expecting of +course she'll understand.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[205]</a></span></p> + +<p>"W'y," I says, "the chillen w'ich enshores +'at Mr. Dallas don't lose out none in the +final cuttin' up of the estate," I says.</p> + +<p>By now she's rose bolt upright on her +feet. All that languidsome manner is fled +from her, and her voice is sharper than +what I ever has heard it before.</p> + +<p>"What's that?" she says, quite snappy. +"What's that you are saying? Do you +mean to tell me that Dallas has been married +before—that he has a child, or more +than one child, hidden away somewhere?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, nome," I says, very soothing, "nuthin' +lak 'at. 'Course Mr. Dallas ain't never +been married—up 'twell now he's practically +been heart-whole an' fancy-free. +Yassum! I wuz merely speakin'—ef you'll +please, ma'am, 'scuse me—of the chillen, +w'ich natchelly 'll be comin' long ez purvided +fur onder the terms of the ole gen'elman's +will, you know. Tha's all I meant."</p> + +<p>"Will!" she says. "What will? Whose +will? Here, you, give me the straight of +this thing! I haven't the faintest idea what +it's all about."</p> + +<p>"Now!" I says, acting like I'm overcome<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[206]</a></span> +with a sudden great regret. "Ain't that +jes' lak me, puttin' my big foot in it, gabblin' +'bout somethin' w'ich it ain't none of +my affairs? Most doubtless, Mr. Dallas, +he's been savin' it all up ez a happy surprise +fur you. An' now, in my innocence +an' my ign'ence, I starts blabbin' it fo'th +unbeknowst. Lemme git out of yere, +please ma'am, 'fore I gits myse'f in any +deeper 'en whut already I is in!"</p> + +<p>She comes sailing across the floor right at +me. Them big floating black eyes of hers +seems to get smaller and sharper until they +bores into me the same as a pair of sharp +gimblets.</p> + +<p>"You stay right where you are," she says, +commanding as a major's-general. "You +don't leave this room until I get this mystery +straightened out."</p> + +<p>"Please, ma'am, I'd a heap ruther you +spoke to Mr. Dallas 'bout it," I says, pretending +to be pleading hard. "No doubt +in due time he'll confide to you all 'bout +the way the property is tied up an' 'bout +his paw's views ez 'spressed in the will, an' +also 'bout the way the matter stands betwixt<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[207]</a></span> +him an' his twin brother, Mr. Clarence, +an' all the rest of it."</p> + +<p>"Twin brother!" she says, and by now +she's been jolted so hard she's mighty near +to the screeching point. "Where is this +twin brother? I never heard of him—never +dreamed there was such a person. +Say, are you crazy or am I?"</p> + +<p>"W'ich 'at do settle it!" I says, very lamentful. +"Ef Mr. Dallas ain't told you +'bout his twin brother neither, it suttinly +is a shore sign to me 'at he wuz aimin' to +purserve ever'thing ez a precious secret +frum you fur the time bein'. I 'spects he'll +jest more'n snatch me ball-haided fur this, +Miss DeWitt. Please, ma'am, don't say +nothin' to him 'bout my havin' give you the +tip, will you?"</p> + +<p>"I don't want tips," she says, "I want +facts. And I'm going to have them here +and now—and from you! If you want to +get out of here with a whole skin you'll +quit your vague mumblings about wills and +children and estates and twin brothers that +I never heard of before, and you'll tell me +in plain words the entire story, whatever it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[208]</a></span> +is, that has been held back from me so carefully. +You tell it beginning to end!"</p> + +<p>"Yassum," I says, "jest ez you wishes, +ma'am." I tries to make my voice sound +like I'm scared half to death, which it don't +call for no great amount of putting-on on +my part neither, because she has done shed +all her laziness and all her silkiness and all +her smoothness same as a blue-racer sheds +his skin in the spring of the year, and she's +done bared her real het-up dangersome +self before me. "Jest ez you wishes," I +says, "only I do trus' an' pray at you'll purtec' +me frum Mr. Dallases' wrath w'en he +finds out I done spilt ever'thin' so premanture-lak."</p> + +<p>"Forget it!" she says. "It strikes me I'm +the one who needs protection if anybody +does. Now, without any more dodging or +ducking you give me the truth, understand? +No original embroidery of your own, either—the +cold truth, all of it! And if I find +out afterwards that you've been holding +back a single detail from me——!"</p> + +<p>With that she stops short and pins me +with them eyes of hers. I can't hardly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[209]</a></span> +keep from flinching back from before her. +If she was a hornet it'd be high time to +start one of the hands off to the nearest +drugstore after the soothing ointments, because +somebody certainly would be due to +get all stung up. Rejoiceful though I is +inside of me to see how nice she's grabbed +at all the hints which I has flung out to her +like fishing-baits, one after another, I'd be +almost as glad if I was outside that room +talking to her through the keyhole. But +it's shore dependent on me to set easy and +keep on play-acting and not make no slips. +Things is going well, but they has got to go +still better yet if she's to swallow down the +main dose.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[210]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter XVII</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Sable Plots</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>SO I spreads out both my hands like as +if I'm plumb cowed down and licked, +and then I starts in handing out to +her the yarn which I'd spent half the night +before piecing it together in my mind. It's +a mighty nice kind of romancing, if I do +say so, and full of plausibleness, 'specially +that part of it which is built up on what I +remembers the old judge having told me +about the curious case which come up that +time in one of the adjoining counties. But +the rest of it, including the most fanciest +touches, such as Mr. Clarence and the old +maiden-lady aunt and the two sets of triplets +and all, has been made up to order right +out of my own head, and I asks credit.</div> + +<p>And now, whilst I'm setting there telling +it to her and watching her close to see +how she's taking it, I'm praying to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[211]</a></span> +Good Lord, asking Him will He please, +Master, forgive me for onloading such a +monstrous pack of what-ain't-so on an onsuspecting +and worked-up lady. And at +the same time I'm hoping the spirit of Mr. +Dallases' dear departed father, which he +was one of the nicest, quietest old gentlemen +that ever breathed, won't come ha'nting +me for low-rating his memory so scandalous. +I knows full well he must be turning +over in the grave faster and faster every +minute which passes. I only can trust he +don't see fit to rise from it.</p> + +<p>"Miss DeWitt," I says, "lissen, please, +an' you shell know all: You see, ma'am, +ever'thin' in this connection dates back to +the time w'en Mr. Dallases' paw made his +dyin' will some six or seven yeahs ago. +'Course, as you doubtless has learned befo' +now, he lef' the bigges' part of the estate +tied up."</p> + +<p>"I don't know any such thing," she says, +breaking in again and even more savage-like +than before. "Do you mean to tell +me Dallas is not the sole master of his own +property?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[212]</a></span></p> + +<p>I sort of stammers and hesitates like I'm +astonished that she don't know that part of +it, neither. My hanging back only makes +her yet more fierce to hear the rest.</p> + +<p>"Wellum," I goes on to say when finally +I sees she's liable to blow clean up if I delays +further, "the real facts of the case is +'at he ain't actually got no property a-tall, +ez you mout say. He only draws down +one-ha'f the intrust frum it. He don't get +nigh ez much income, neither, ez whut +folkses mout think frum his free way +of spendin' his money right an' lef'. Ez a +matter of fact, an' in the strictes' confidences, +Miss DeWitt," I says, "he is mos' +gin'elly alluz in debt to the trustees by reason +of him bein' overdrawed. But, +course," I says, "'at part of it ain't neither +yere nor thar, is it? Ef Mr. Dallas wants +to slather his money 'bout so fast that ever' +dollar he spends looks to outsiders lak it's +ten or twelve, tha's his bus'ness. Lemme +git back on the main track. Le's see, now? +I wuz specifyin' to you 'bout the will, +wuzn' I?</p> + +<p>"Well, it's lak this: W'en folkses down<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[213]</a></span> +our way heared the terms of the will they +wuz a heap of 'em said the old gen'elman's +mind must a-went back on him in his last +sickness fur him to be layin' down any sech +curious 'quiremints ez them wuz. Yassum, +some even went fu'ther 'en 'at. Some +went so fur ez to say it wuz the streak of +onsanity w'ich runs in the Pulliam fambly +croppin' out ag'in in a fresh place."</p> + +<p>"Oh, so it's insanity now!" she says. +"The longer you talk the more interesting +things I learn. Go on—go on!"</p> + +<p>"Yassum," I says, "I'm goin'. Yassum, +they wuz quite a host of folkses w'ich come +right out an' said Mr. Dallas an' Mr. Clarence, +ary one or both of 'em, would be amply +justified in contestin' the will on the +grounds 'at the late lamentable wuz out of +his haid at the time he drawed it up. But +no, ma'am, not them two! I figgers they +knowed they own dear paw well 'nuff to +know the idee w'ich he toted in his mind. +'Sides w'ich, all the members of that fambly +is sort of techy on the subjec' of the lil' +trickle of onsanity 'at flows in the blood, +w'ich, I reckin, they natchelly is to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[214]</a></span> +'scused fur that. An' ef one or the other of +'em went to the big cotehouse tryin' to bust +up the will on the claim 'at the ole gen'elman +didn't rightly know whut he wuz doin' +to'des the last, it'd only quicken up the +talk 'bout the craziness strain. An' so, on +'count of the Pulliam pride an' all, they +jes' lef' it stand lak it wuz. An' 'en, on top +of 'at, Mr. Clarence he turned sort of onsatisfactory +in the haid an' he strayed off an' +wuzn' heared of ag'in till yere recently. +An' 'en, soon ez Mr. Clarence wuz found, +Mr. Dallas he come on up yere an' you an' +him met an'——"</p> + +<p>"In Heaven's name, quit drooling and +get somewhere," she says, making her +words pop like one of these here whip-lashes. +"What did the will say?"</p> + +<p>"Yassum," I says, "yassum, I jest is +reached 'at p'int, now. The will say 'at +the estate is to be helt in trust fur the time +bein' an' 'en w'en the two sons comes of age +they is free to marry, only they is both +bound to marry somebody or other befo' +they reaches they twenty-fif' birthday. An' +the one w'ich has the most chillen to his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[215]</a></span> +credit at the end of five yeahs frum his +weddin' day, he gits the main chunk of the +prop'ty, whilst the other is cut down to +jest——"</p> + +<p>"The most children?" she says; only by +now she's saying it so savigrous that she +practically is yelling it. "The most——?"</p> + +<p>"Yassum," I says, "tha's it—the most +chillen. You see, ma'am, they seems to +run to chillen, someway, the Pulliamses +does. When a Pulliam gits married, look +out fur baby-carriages, tha's all. They +don't seem to have chillen by driblets, +neither, lak some people does. They is +more apt to have 'em by triplets. They is +two complete sets of triplets on record in +times gone past, an' ever' generation kin +be depended on to perduce at leas' one set +of twins.</p> + +<p>"Or even more! Now, f'rinstances, you +tek Mr. Dallas an' Mr. Clarence—both +twins. Tek they father befo' 'em an' they +maiden aunt, Miss Sarah Pulliam, deceasted—twins +some mo'. Only, you +never heared much 'bout Miss Sarah in her +lifetime owin' to her bein' kep' onder lock<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[216]</a></span> +an' key fur spasms of a kind of wildness +comin' over her now an' then. Then ag'in, +amongst Mr. Dallases' own brothers an' +sisters, tek his two lil' twin sisters, not to +mention the four or five singles w'ich come +'long right stiddy an' reg'lar. Yassum, +it's been 'at way in the famby fur ez fur +back ez the oldest inhabitant kin remember.</p> + +<p>"But the gineration w'ich Mr. Dallas +belongs to, it turned out sickly fur the most +part, an' so, by the time the ole gen'elman +come to die, all his chillen had died off on +him, 'scusin' Mr. Dallas an' Mr. Clarence, +w'ich them two wuz all they wuz left out +of a big swarm. Oh, I jedges the paw +knowed whut he wuz 'bout! I reckin he +craved 'at his breed should once more +multiply freely an' replenish the earth wid +a whole multitude of lil' Pulliamses. An' +so he purvided fur a healthy competition +betwixt his two sons to see——"</p> + +<p>"Wait!" she says. "Let me see if I understand +you? You say that by the terms +of that old maniac's will the bulk of his +estate was tied up so to go eventually to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[217]</a></span> +son who had the most children five years +after marriage. Well, then, what does the +remaining son—the loser—get?"</p> + +<p>"He gits a hund'ed an' fifty dollars a +month fur life—I think tha's whut it come +to," I says. "Mebbe it mout be a hund'ed +an' sebenty-five, I won't be shore. An' he +also draws down fifty dollars a month extry +fur each chile he's got livin'. But tha's +all. The home place an' the tobacco bus'ness +an' the money in the bank an' all else, +they goes to the winner, onlessen each one, +at the end of them five yeahs is got a ek'el +number of chillen in w'ich case the estate +is divided even-stephen betwixt 'em. Yassum!"</p> + +<p>"Then why didn't both brothers marry +as soon as they came of age?" she asks me, +sort of suspicious. But I was expecting +that very question to come forth sooner or +later, and I was prepared beforehand for +it.</p> + +<p>"Wellum," I says, "you see, I reckin Mr. +Dallas figgered they wuzn' no need to be +in a rush seein' 'at Mr. Clarence wuz so +kind of ondependable. Ef the truth must<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[218]</a></span> +be knowed, Mr. Clarence wuz downright +flighty. He had spells w'en he'd furgit his +own name an' go wanderin'. Yassum! +An' right after he come of age he took a +'specially severe spell an' he sauntered so +fur away they plum' lost track of him. It +wasn't 'twell last July 'at he wuz located +ag'in. It seems lak he'd been detained +somewhars out West in a sort of a home +whar they keeps folks w'ich is liable to fits +of chronic oneasiness in the haid. But +now, suddenly, his refreshed memory had +come back to him an' the doctors pernounced +him cured an' turned him loose +ag'in; an' the latest word wuz 'at he wuz +thinkin' 'bout gittin married down in Texas +or one of 'em other distant places, out yonderways. +So Mr. Dallas must a-realized +'at 'twuz up to him to stir his stumps an' +git hisse'f married off, too; 'specially ez he +had done passed his twenty-fo'th birthday +the month befo'. Well, seemed lak, he +couldn't find no young lady down home +w'ich wuz suitable to his fancies, although +some folks did say, quiet-lak, 'at they wuz +a local prejudice springin' up on the part<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[219]</a></span> +of parents ag'inst havin' they daughters +marryin' him. But betwixt you an' me, +ma'am, I never tuk no stock in 'at, 'cause +most of the time Mr. Dallas is jest ez +rationable ez whut you an' me is. It's only +w'en he gits excited 'at he behaves a lil' +peculiar-lak. Well, anyways, Mr. Dallas +he come on up yere an' he met you. So +now it looks lak ever'thing is goin' turn out +all right, an' mebbe we'll beat out Mr. +Clarence after all, in w'ich case Mr. Dallas +won't have to be worryin' at the end of five +yeahs 'bout whar he's gain' to rake up the +cash to pay back the money w'ich he's overdrawed +out of the estate, nur nuthin'. So +that's how come me to mention chillen +w'en I fust come in, ma'am. An' I trusts +you understan's?"</p> + +<p>And with that I smiles at her like I'm +expecting that now, seeing she knows all +the tidings, she'll be jubilated over the +prospects, too.</p> + +<p>But she ain't smiling—I lay she ain't got +a smile left in her entire system. She's +mighty nigh choking, but it ain't no happy +emotion that she's choked up with; if you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[220]</a></span> +was a blind man you could a-told that much +from the sounds she's making. She's saying +things fast and furious. Remarks is +just foaming from her; but the trouble is +she keeps on getting her statements all +jumbled up together so they don't make +good sense. And yet, notwithstanding, I +still can follow her thoughts. I catches +the words: "<i>most</i> children"—she duplicates +that several times—and "twins" and "triplets" +and "insanity" and "one hundred and +fifty dollars a month." And all mixed in +with this is loose odds and ends of language +which seems to indicate she thinks somebody +has been withholding something back +on her or trying to take an unfair advantage +of her, or something. She certainly is in a +swivit. A little more and she'd be delirious—she +would so!</p> + +<p>All of a sudden she flings herself out of +the room, with her necklaces and things +clashing till she sounds like a runaway +milk-wagon, and she makes for the telephone +in the hall, and I can hear her trying +very frantic to get our number rung up. +For a minute my heart swarms up in my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[221]</a></span> +throat; anyhow, some of my organs swarms +up there where I can taste 'em. I'm so +afraid Mr. Dallas may forget his promise +to me and come to the 'phone! If he does, +the whole transaction is liable to be busted +up just when I've strove so hard to fix +everything nice and lovely. That's why +my heart climbs up in my windpipes. But +after a little bit I can breathe easy some +more because it's plain, from what I overhears, +that Central tells her she can't get +no responsives from the other end of the +wire. So then, after one or two more tries, +she gives up trying and she comes back into +the setting-room, still spilling mumbling +words, but "children" continues to be the +one she seems to favor the most, and she +says to me that she has a message to send +to Mr. Dallas, which she wants me for to +take it to him.</p> + +<p>Still playing my part, I says to her I +truly hopes there ain't going to be nothing +in the message which will put Mr. Dallas +in a bad humor with me. But she don't +appear to hear my pleading voice. She's +already set down over at a little writing-desk<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[222]</a></span> +in the corner, and she's got a pen in +her hand and she's writing away like a +house on fire. The pen is squeaking the +same as if it was in torment, and them five +or six bracelets on her arm is clinking +sweet music to my ear. I ain't no seventh +son of a seventh gun, which they tells me +they has the gift of prophecy laid upon +them at birth, nor yet I ain't no mind-reader, +but, even so, I says to myself that +I don't need but one guess at the true nature +of what 'tis she's writing.</p> + +<p>She gets through quite soon—there's only +just one single sheet of paper, and she folds +it up and creases it hard like she's trying to +mash it in two, and she jams it in an enveloper +and seals the enveloper and shoves it +into my waiting hand, and she says to me:</p> + +<p>"There! Now you take this note to the +man you work for, immediately!"</p> + +<p>"Yassum," I says; "is they any answer to +come back?"</p> + +<p>"Answer?" she says, "No—no—<i>no</i>—NO!"</p> + +<p>So I goes right out, leaving her still saying +it at the top of her voice. It seems to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[223]</a></span> +me it's high time to go, if not higher. Besides, +it's mighty hard trying to carry on a +conversation with an overwrought-up lady +which she has only got one word left in +stock, which that one is a little short word +like "No."</p> + +<p>So I takes my foot in my hand and I +marvils thence from there fast as ever my +willing legs can take me. And as I goes +along on my way, speeding 'cross-town +bound for our quarters, I'm trying to think +of a stylish word which in times gone by I +has heard some of the white folks use as a +pet name for a note from one loving soul +to another. Pretty soon it comes to me—<i>billet +doux</i>!</p> + +<p>I stops right still where I is at:</p> + +<p>"Bill-Lee do, huh?" I says to myself. +"Yas, sometimes Bill-Lee do. But this +time—glory, hallelujah, amen!—Bill-Lee +do not!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[224]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter XVIII</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>White Hopes</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>WHEN you is engaged in going to +and fro in the world doing good +deeds you certainly can cover a +surpassing lot of ground in a short time. +It's striking ten when I knocks at +the lady's door; it ain't eleven yet, by +the lacking of a few minutes, when I is +home again and has handed over the note +to Mr. Dallas and is watching his face +whilst he reads it. He's got one of these +here open faces, and I can tell, easy enough, +exactly what thoughts goes through his +mind. Mostly he's full of a great relief—that's +plain to see—but mixed in with it is +a faint kind of a lurking regretfulness that +she should a-broke loose from him so +abrupt this-a-way. If folks has got the +least crumb of vanity in 'em it shows forth +when a love affair is going to pieces on 'em.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[225]</a></span> +And Mr. Dallas is not no mite different in +this matter from the run of creation. Even +so, he's displayed more joysomeness than +anything else when it comes to the end of +what she's wrote him. He reaches out after +my hand for to shake it good and hard +and hearty.</div> + +<p>"Jeff," he says, "my hat's off to you—you're +the outstanding wonder of the century. +I judge it's hardly necessary for me +to tell you what's in this note?"</p> + +<p>"I been able," I says, "to mek my own +calculations, suh. I reckins ef I wuz put +to it, I could guess."</p> + +<p>"How did you ever succeed in doing it?" +he says.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "the main p'int is +'at it's done—ain't 'at so, suh?"</p> + +<p>"Agreed," he says; "but there are hints +here—hints is a mild word—at things I +don't in the least understand. Now, for +example——"</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "ast me no questions, +please suh, an' I'll tell you no lies. +Lyin' don't come natchel to me, ez you +knows—I has to strain fur it."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[226]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Very well," he says, "have it your own +way; I won't press you. The proof is in +my hand that you accomplished what you +set out to do; and seeing that I had no part +or parcel in it I figure it's up to me to +show less curiosity and more gratitude."</p> + +<p>"Nummine the gratitudes part yit +aw'ile," I says. "Us is got a heap more to +'complish 'fore the sun goes down tonight. +It's only jest a part of the load w'ich is +been lifted—bear 'at in mind, suh. The +case of Mr. H. C. Raynor is yit remainin' +to be 'tended to."</p> + +<p>"You've already shown me what you can +do, even though I'm left in the dark, as +to the exact methods you use in these big +emergencies," he says. "I'm still following +your lead. What comes next?"</p> + +<p>All through this he's been walking up +and down the floor like he was drilling for +the militia. So I induces him for to set +down and be still, and I proceeds to specify +further.</p> + +<p>I says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dallas," I says, "these here chronic +Noo Yawkers is funny people—some of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[227]</a></span> +'em. 'Cause they knows they own game +they thinks they ain't no other games wu'th +knowin'. 'Cause they thinks the Noo +Yawk way of doin' things must be the only +suitable way, they don't concern theyselves +'bout the way an outsider mout tackle the +same proposition. To be so bright ez they +is in some reguards, they is the most ign'ent +in others ever I seen. Now, 'cordin' to my +notions, w'en you gits 'em on strange +ground, w'en you flings a novelty slam-bang +in they faces, they ain't got no ways an' +means figgered out fur meetin' it an' they's +liable to git all mommuxed up an' swep' +right off they feet."</p> + +<p>"Jeff," he says, "you have gifts which I +never fully appreciated before. You are +not only a philosopher but a psychologist +as well."</p> + +<p>"Boss," I says, "you does me too much +honor. So fur ez I knows, I ain't nary +one of them two things w'ich you jest called +me. I only merely strives fur to use the +few grains of common-sense w'ich the +Good Lawd give me, tha's all 'tis. Tubby +shore, I got one 'vantage on my side: I kin<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[228]</a></span> +look at w'ite folkses' affairs frum a cullid +stan'p'int whar'as they kin only look at 'em +frum they own. Ef the shoe wuz on +t'other foot you doubtless could he'p me; +but in the present case it's possible I kin +he'p you. I's on the outside lookin' in, +whilst you is on the inside lookin' out, ez +you mout say; so mebbe I kin 'scover things +w'ich you'd utterly overlook. The fly be-holes +whut 'scapes the elephant's eye an' +the minner gives counsel to the whale. +Mebbe I ain't gittin' the words routined +right fur to 'spress my meanin's, but, even +so, I reckin you gits my drift, don't you, +suh?"</p> + +<p>"I follow you perfectly, with an ever-increasing +admiration," he says. "Go ahead. +This look like our lucky day anyhow—let's +press the luck!"</p> + +<p>"Yas suh," I says. "Now, f'rinstances," +I says, "you tek the 'foresaid Mr. H. C. +Raynor. Wen you spoke to him of lawsuits +yistiddy he mouty nigh laffed in yore +face, didn't he? Well, 'at shows he ain't +got no dread of lawsuits. Prob'ly he's +been mixed up in 'em befo'; most doubtless<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[229]</a></span> +he knows the science of lawsuitin' frum the +startin'-tape to the home-stretch. An' lakwise +he'd have the bulge on you w'en it +come to makin' figgers wu'k out lak he +wanted 'em to, so he'd 'pear to be inside +his rights an' you'd 'pear to be on the wrong +side of the docket. I persume he's had a +'bundance of 'sperience in sech matters, +w'ich you ain't. He knows his own system +an' he knows you don't know it, w'ich fortifies +him yit fu'ther. All right, suh, so +much fur that. But s'posen, now, on the +other hand, we wuz to layway him an' jump +out of ambushmint at him wid a brand-new +notion? I jedges he ain't got no rippertation +to speak of, so losin' whut lil' scraps of +it he mout have left wouldn't keep him +'wake nights worryin', 'specially effen he'd +already salted away the cash w'ich he +craved. But he do own somethin' w'ich he +prizes most highly or elsewise I misses my +guess—he's got a skin w'ich he's managed +some way, by hook, or crook, to keep it +whole up to now. An' ef right out of a +clear sky he suddenly wuz faced wid +prospect of havin' it all punctured up in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[230]</a></span> +mebbe fo', five, or six places, I figgers he +mout start singin' a diff'unt song frum the +one w'ich at the present 'pears to be his +fav'rit' selection.</p> + +<p>"There's just one thing more," I says, +"Prob'ly it's 'scaped yore 'tention, Mr. Dallas, +but I's been steddyin' Mr. H. C. Raynor +off an' on an' I has took note 'at he's +got some very curiousome idees in his haid +'bout the kind of folkses you an' me is. +Didn't it never occur to you, suh, 'at he +thinks practically all Southern w'ite gen'elmen +is a heap more hot-haided an' fiery-blooded +'en whut the run of 'em really is? +Didn't it never occur to you frum his talk, +'at he figgers 'at most ev'ry thorough-bred +Kintuckian is prone to settle his argumints +wid fo'ty-fo' calliber ca'tridges? Well, +I's read his thoughts 'long them lines, even +ef you ain't, an' I'm shore I got him placed +right. Tha's whut I'm countin' on now, +suh," I says; "tha's whar'in lays our maindest +dependince. Does you see whut I'm +aimin' at, suh? Or does you don't?"</p> + +<p>He ain't needing to answer. His face is +beginning to light up and his eyeballs is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[231]</a></span> +starting to dance in his head. So I knows +the time is come for me to cease from preambling +and get right down to cases. +Which I accordingly does so.</p> + +<p>I tells him the greatest part of what I +aims to do. I tells him what-all he's to do. +I tells him what 'll be the signal for him +to bust into the picture. I tells him how +he should deport hisself after he's done +so. I can tell him what should be done +up to a certain point, but, past that, as I +says to him, he'll just have to let Nature take +its coarseness.</p> + +<p>I labors over him until I can tell he's +getting his mad up—his hands begins to +twitch a little and his jaw sort of locks and +there's a kind of a reckless spunky look +stealing onto his expression. That suits +me. I wants him to be even more nervous +than what he is now when the performance +starts—the nervouser he is the better for +our purposes.</p> + +<p>When his dander is worked up to suit +and getting more worked-up and more +danderish every minute, I leaves him there +and I goes out into the hall and I rings up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[232]</a></span> +the oil office. One of the help answers to +my call and I tells him to please get Mr. +Raynor on the line right speedy. In about +a minute his voice comes to me over the +wire.</p> + +<p>"Hello!" he says, very sharp-like, "hello!—who +is it?"</p> + +<p>"Mr Raynor," I says, "this yere is Jeff +Poindexter, speakin' fur Mr. Dallas. He +desires 'at you will please run on up yere +to our place soon ez you kin git yere. He +ain't seemin' to be hisse'f today an' so he +ain't aimin' to come down-town. In fac', +right now he's layin' down, but he p'intedly +insists on seein' you 'mediately. He says +it's most highly important. 'At's the message +he tells me fur to convey, suh."</p> + +<p>"Well," he says, sort of grumbling, "it's +getting on toward my lunch-time; but I +suppose I could come. Tell him I'll be +there in half-an-hour from now."</p> + +<p>"Yas suh," I says, "thanky suh.... Hole +on, Mr. Raynor; they's jest one thing else." +And now I lets my voice slink down, sort +of cautious-like. "Mr. Raynor," I says, +"I done deliver Mr. Dallases' word to you—now<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[233]</a></span> +I wishes fur to say a lil somethin' +on my own 'count. W'en you gits yere, +please suh, come straight on up to the 'partmint +widout bein' 'nounced frum downstairs +an' walk right on in widout knockin' +or ringin' the bell—the do' 'll be onlatched. +I'll be waitin' fur you in the privit hall to +'scort you into the front room. I craves to +speak wid you a minute, jest by ourselves."</p> + +<p>"What's the big idea?" he says.</p> + +<p>"I can't 'splain over the 'phone by reason +'at I mout be over-heared," I says; "but I +allus has lakked you, suh, frum the fust—an' +mebbe I mout give you a few p'inters +'at you sh'd oughter know befo'hand."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I see," he said. "There's been some +loose talking going on up there and you've +heard something you think might interest +me, eh? Fine and dandy! Well, Jeff, +you're wise to line up with me—it shows +you've got sense. You won't lose by it, +either. I'm always willing to pay the top +market-price for valuable inside information."</p> + +<p>"Yas, suh," I says, "thanky, suh—'at's +partially whut I wuz figgerin' on. I'll be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[234]</a></span> +hoverin' 'bout on the look-out fur you, suh, +'cause it shorely is mouty essential——"</p> + +<p>Right here I breaks off sudden, like as if +I'd suddenly got scared that I might be +eavesdropped on or interrupted or something.</p> + +<p>Well, the fruitful seed has done been +planted. Almost before I has time to hang +up and get up from that there telephone it +seems like to me I can feel 'em organizing +to sprout under my feet.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[235]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter XIX</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Pistol Plays</i></div> + +<div class='cap extraspace'>I has fully half an hour to wait and I +puts it in going over the program, as +it has already done been mapped out, +just to make absolute sure nothing ain't +been left out. There's one switch in the +plans, which I decides to make it right at +the last minute, mighty near it. This here +decision is that I'll shove things along powerful +brisk once we gets going good and +under way; which naturally this means I've +got to change my Riverside Drive system. +But circumstances alters cases and what's +side-meat for one is cold poison for another. +The way I looks at it, it all depends on the +anigosity<a name="FNanchor_4_4" id="FNanchor_4_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a> of the occasion. + +Now, with the lady, the best scheme, +seemed like to me, was not to crowd the +mourners, as the saying is, but just to lazy +along in a weaving way, letting the specifications +sink into her one by one and thereby +thus giving her time to brood over each separate +point as it come forth. But with him +I figures the best plan is the quick-rushing +plan. I figures I've got to take him short +from the go-off and keep on shocking him +so fast and so hard with promises of devastations +that he won't have time to catch up +with his thinking, and then at the proper +time dash the mainest jolt of all right <i>bang</i> +in his face.</div> + +<p>But before that proper minute comes he's +got to be rightly prepared in his mind for +it. He's got to be hearing mournful music +and muffled drums beating in his ears. He's +got to feel an icy cold breath blowing on +his overhet temples. He's got to have a +raging fever in his forehead, but a heavy +frost congealing his feet. And most of all +he's got to have a sad picture dancing before +his eyes of from six to twelve of his +most intimate friends getting measured for +white gloves. Just let them things come to +pass, sort of simultaneous, and it's sure going<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[237]</a></span> +to be a case of Sukey, bar the door, with +our gentleman friend!</p> + +<p>Leastwise, that is the way I organizes it +in my head whilst I'm setting in that there +little hall of ours waiting watchfully. Before +a great while I hears one of the elevators +stopping at our floor and I hears +slinky kitty-cat steps coming along towards +our door. So I knows that must be him and +I gets back and sort of squats in the side +passage leading off into the service wing, so +I can come slipping out like as if I was in +a hurry to meet him as he come in, but had +been detained.</p> + +<p>The door opens right easy and in slides +Mr. Raynor, same as a mouse into a trap. +I can almost see his nose wrinkling up like +he's smelling of the cheese and craving to +start nibbling at it. He looks round him +and sees me and he gives me a meaning +wink. I makes motions to him to be quiet, +which that ain't necessary but it helps the +play along for me to be plenty warnful in +my manners; and then I tiptoes on up the +hall towards the setting-room, leading the +way for him; and he takes the hint and tiptoes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[238]</a></span> +along behind me. But at the setting-room +door I slows up and steps to one side +to let him pass on in first and that gives me +a chance to spring the catch-bolt on the door +behind us, unbeknownst to him. I takes his +hat and coat, all the time rolling my eyes +round on every side like I'm apprehentious +somebody else might be breaking in on us +from the back part of the apartment, and +then I says to him in a kind of a significating +whisper, I says:</p> + +<p>"Oh, Mr. Raynor, I been truly oneasy in +my mind 'bout you—I'm mouty sorry 'at +you come!"</p> + +<p>"Sorry?" he says, sort of startled. "Why, +you telephoned me yourself."</p> + +<p>"Yas, suh, I knows I did," I says; "but I +wuz only obeyin' awders—an' anyways 'at +wuz befo' things begun to tek the more serious +turn w'ich they has took. I'd a-halted +you at the front do' yonder an' turned you +back ef I could've, but I wuz delayed back +in the boss' baid-room tryin' to argue him +out of his notion an' tha's how come I didn't +git thar to give you the warnin' word. Or," +I says, "ef they'd a-been time an' I'd a-got<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[239]</a></span> +the chance—both of w'ich I had neither—I'd +a-ketched you on the telephone an' +stopped you befo' ever you started up-town +frum the office. So this move—tollin' you +in yere an' fortifyin' you up, suh,—is the +onliest other one I could think of," I says; +"an' so, no matter how it may turn out," I +says, "I want you to carry wid you the +'membrunces 'at I done the level best I +could fur you."</p> + +<p>"Say," he says, "what's all this palaver +about?" He's speaking quite bluffy, but +even so I can tell that the uneasiness is beginning +to seep into his ankles. "Why +shouldn't I come here? I was sent for, +wasn't I? For that matter, why shouldn't +I come without being sent for? I'm not +worried about my position in this row—I'm +safe."</p> + +<p>"<i>Sh-h-h!</i>" I says, "please, suh, <i>sh-h-h!</i> +Keep yore voice down," I says, "whutever +else you may do. This ain't no time to be +talkin' loud," I says.</p> + +<p>"I'll swear I don't get you," he says. But +he's took heed and now his notes is low and +more worried-like. "I'm asked to come up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[240]</a></span> +here on a matter of business, as I suppose. +I gather from your hints over the telephone +you think you've found out something +which I might be willing to give money for, +as an exclusive advance tip. So far, so +good; I'm always open to reason. Then I +get here and you behave as mysteriously as +a ghost and go <i>sh-h-hing</i> about as though +somebody was dead on the premises. +What's the——"</p> + +<p>"Oh, Mr. Raynor," I says, "don't speak +of nobody bein' daid on these premises. It +sounds too much lak a dreadin' perdiction. +Mr. Raynor," I says, "fur the sakes of all, +please lis'sen an' lemme say my say whilst +they's yit time!"</p> + +<p>"All right," he says; "go ahead. I won't +interrupt again, although I still don't see +why you should take the matter so seriously." +But in spite of the fact that when +he says this he's grinning at me I judges +that by now the uneasiness has started +crawling up his legs. It's one of them sickly, +pestered grins.</p> + +<p>"Well, suh," I says, "all last night an' +th'ough the early parts of this mawnin' Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[241]</a></span> +Dallas is been carryin' on lak he was mouty +nigh distracted. Frum words w'ich he lets +fall, partly to me an' partly w'en he's tawkin' +to hisse'f, I meks out 'at the trouble is +on 'count of bus'ness dealin's 'twixt you an' +him, an' also 'at he's harborin' a 'special pet +gredge ag'in you on 'count of somethin' or +other. Fur a spell he tawked right smart +'bout a compermise settlemint an' 'at wuz +whut I wanted to tell you pussonally in +privit—'at the idee of a compermise settlemint +wuz floatin' in his mind. He didn't +sleep none las' night but he walked the floor +stiddy till pas' daylight; an' all th'ough +these mawnin' hours, seemed lak to me, he's +been gittin' mo' an' mo' antagonized ez the +time went by. Frum the symptoms I should +a-knowed whut wuz brewin'. But I reckin +I must a-been blinded, whut wid things +bein' so out of kelter round the 'partmint. +W'en he bidden me fur to call you up an' +invite yore presence yere right away I still +didn't 'spicion the true facts. But right +after I'd got th'ough telephonin' down to +the office I went back to his room to say +you'd be cumin' shortly an' ez I stepped in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[242]</a></span> +the do' an' seen him fumblin' in 'at dressin'-table +drawer an' seen the rampagious look +w'ich wuz on his face—oh, Mr. Raynor, +suh, right 'en wuz w'en my heart upset itse'f +insides my chist!</p> + +<p>"'Cause I done seen 'at look on his face +befo' now; I seen it fo' yeahs ago, the time +w'en 'at electioneerin' fuss of his wid the +late Mr. Dave Townsend come up. At leas' +once't I seen it on his paw's face an' I seen +it mo' times 'en once't on the face of his +uncle, Mr. Z. T. Pulliam, w'ich they called +him Hell-Roarin' Zack fur short. It runs +in the blood an' it ripens in the breedin'—'at +look do. You don't never want to tamper +wid a Pulliam—they comes untamped too +easy! They goes 'long jest ez peaceable an' +quiet ez a onborn lamb up to a suttin p'int +an' 'en 'at look comes over 'em an' the by-standers +starts removin' theyselves to a place +of safety. They calls it the deadly sign of +the Pulliam fambly down our way 'cause +they knows whut it means—they's seen it +loomin' th'ough the pistol-smoke too of'en. +An' so——"</p> + +<p>"What sort of a bluff is this you're trying<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[243]</a></span> +to hand me?" he says. But his face all of a +sudden has turned just the color of chalk +and his voice is quivering so the words +comes forth from between his lips all sort +of broken up. The man's looks don't match +his language. "Are you trying to tell me +there's gun-play threatening around here? +Well, that's not done any more!"</p> + +<p>"You's right!" I says. "Wid the Pulliamses, +after the fust shot, it ain't necessary fur +it to be done any mo'—jest once't is ample! +They lets go frum the hip an' they don't +rarely nor never miss—I reckin it comes +natchel to 'em. Oh, Mr. Raynor, I knows +whut the danger is better'n you possibly +kin! An' oh, Mr. Raynor, I's so skeered on +yore 'count—you havin' been alluz mouty +friendly to me an' you still so young, too! +An' I's skeered on Mr. Dallases' 'count lakwise, +'cause these cotehouse folks up yere +they prob'ly won't 'preciate whut is the custom +of our locality fur the settlin' of privit +misunderstandin's betwixt gen'elmen. I'm +most crazy in my mind, ez you kin see! Ef +only I could a-got him cooled off an' +ca'mmed down befo' you got yere! I tried<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[244]</a></span> +an' I tried but 'twuzn't no use—it never is +no use tryin', wid a Pulliam. An' even now +ef only we could onduce him to hole off an' +lis'sen to reasonable argumints frum you befo' +he cuts loose! Oh, Mr. Raynor, I do +hope an' pray he see fit to give you a chanc't +to 'splain 'way the diffe'nces! But, oh, I +dreads the wust! 'Cause he's crouchin' back +yonder waitin', wid his trigger-finger +twitchin', an' w'en he sees you——"</p> + +<p>"Let me out of here!" he says. And +though he says it kind of half-whispering +yet he says it kind of half-screeching, too.</p> + +<p>And with that he makes a break for the +door behind him, aiming to bust out down +the hall. But it's locked.</p> + +<p>And with that, likewise I turns over a +little centre-table and it goes down on its +side with a bang, which that is the ordained +signal agreed on previous, and I lets a yell +out of me.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Lawsy," I yells, "it's too late—yere +he is now!"</p> + +<p>And then Mr. Raynor ceases from pawing +at the latch and spins round and plasters +himself flat against the door-panels like<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[245]</a></span> +he was pinned there, with his arms stretched +wide and his fingers clawing at the wood-work. +And here, in through the curtains +of the library door comes Mr. Dallas, that's +all, stepping light on the balls of his feet, +with his eyes blazing and his hair all +mussed-up, and down at his right side, it +swinging loose and free, he's carrying that +three-pound chunk of Snake-Eye Jamison's +shootlery. I don't know whether it's the +excitement, or the spell of the play-acting +on him, or the righteous mad which is in +him, but he looks so perilous I'm mighty +near scared of him my own self. And even +though he ain't never toted no pistol before +in his life he's handling this here big blue +borrowed smoke-wagon like he'd cut his +milk-teeth on one. And I'm mighty glad +she ain't loaded, neither; else he might start +living up to the reputation I've done endowed +him with.</p> + +<p>That's all, but that's plenty! As Mr. +H. C. Raynor's knees begins giving way +under him he starts in to pleading at the +top of his voice. You could a-heard him +plumb down in the street I reckon.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[246]</a></span></p> + +<p>"For God's sake," he begs, "don't shoot! +For God's sake, don't shoot yet! Give me +a minute—give me time to explain! I'll +do anything you say, Pulliam—we can +square this thing! Only, for God's sake, +don't shoot!"</p> + +<p>By the time he's got this much out of him +he's setting down flat against the door, with +his legs stretched out straight in front of +him and his feet kind of dancing on the floor +so that his heels makes little knocking +sounds. He looks like he's fixing to faint +away. Maybe he did faint, but if he did, +I know the faintfulness didn't get no higher +up than his throat, because the last thing I +heard as I went on out from there through +the library, was him still babbling away.</p> + +<p>Up till the time I left, Mr. Dallas hadn't +spoke nary word—just stood there wagging +that there chunk of hardware in the general +direction of Mr. Raynor and licking at his +lips with his tongue, sort of eager-like. +Well, thus far, it hadn't been necessary for +him to say nothing—Mr. Raynor was doing +enough talking for any number you might +care to name, up to half a dozen.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[247]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter XX</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Piebald Joys</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>IT'S maybe twenty minutes later on when +Mr. Dallas calls to me to come to him +and bring Koga with me, him saying +the both of us is required for to witness an +agreement which has been drawed up. +Right then and there for the first and last +time in my life, that there Japanee boy wins +my admirations. He don't bat a single eye-lash +as he follows me in where they is. He +acts like all his life he'd been used to walking +into a setting-room and finding two gentlemen +there, one of 'em with a pistol and +the other with a hard chill. He just sucks +his breath in once or twice and starts smiling +very pleasant upon one and all. I +judges he must a-been brought up in a kind +of a rough neighborhood over in his own +country.</div> + +<p>Mr. Raynor has done rose up from the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[248]</a></span> +floor by this time, and is setting in a chair +where he can be more comfortable; at that, +he ain't seeming totally comfortable. His +teeth and his hands and his feet keeps on +misbehaving, and he looks to me like he's +been losing considerable flesh even in that +short time since I left him. His complexion +also remains very bad. You'd say, offhand, +here was a gentleman fixing to be +taken down with a severe spell of illness, or +else just getting over one and still far from +well.</p> + +<p>He puts his name to a piece of writing +which is spread out on the table, Mr. Dallas +standing over him and sort of indicating +the place to him with the nozzle of that +there trusty old forty-four. He has some +difficulty in getting his name set down by +reason of him keeping flinching away from +the gun and also on account of his fingers +being so out of control. Then me and Koga +likewise signs and whilst I is so doing I rejoices +to note that the document is all done +in Mr. Dallases' handwriting.</p> + +<p>When this has been attended to there does +not seem to be no reason why Mr. Raynor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[249]</a></span> +should linger longer amongst us. He indicates +that he craves to go but still don't actually +go till Mr. Dallas gives him the +word. For such a previously brash white +man he certainly has been rendered very +docile. And dumb—huh! Alongside of +him guinea-pigs is plumb rambunctuous.</p> + +<p>I helps him on with his overcoat, which +he has trouble getting into it by reason of +not seeming to be able to stick his arms into +the sleeves until after several tries; and such +is his agitated feelings that he starts off forgetting +his hat. I puts it on his head for +him, him not saying a word but just staring +about him kind of null and void, and now +and then shivering slightly; and as he goes +down the hall towards the elevator he's got +one hand sort of pressed up against the wall +for to support him on his way. If I'd been +him I should a-went right straight on home +and laid down for a spell. Probably that's +what he did do. I know I ain't seen hair +nor hide of him since and I ain't expecting +to do so, neither, without we should run into +one another by accident on the street sometime.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[250]</a></span></p> + +<p>As I comes back from the front door after +seeing him safely off, Mr. Dallas is waiting +for me in the middle of the floor with +a grin on his face, which it mighty near +splits his face in half across the middle. +He lays down the agreement paper and the +artillery so he can shake hands with me +with both hands.</p> + +<p>"Jeff," he says, "for the second time in +less than two hours let me tender you my +earnest congratulations and my everlasting +gratitude. Thanks to you," he says, "and +you alone, I'm getting out of the double-barreled +hole I was in, reasonably intact. +What's gone I'll gladly charge up to profit +and loss and valuable experience. What's +left is a whole lot more than I had dared to +hope it would be before you took a hand. +When I look back on my feelings last night +and contrast them with my feelings today—say, +by Jupiter!" he says, "come to think of +it, it's all happened between late dinner-time +of one day and late lunch-time of the +next! It doesn't seem possible! What can +I do to square myself with you for the debt +I owe you?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[251]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Well, suh," I says, "you mout start in +to please me by eatin' a lil' somethin'. Yore +speakin' of lunch-time 'minds me 'at you +ain't been right constant at yore meals lately. +Whut you needs," I says, "is to git yore appetite +back an' stow a smidgin' of warm +vittles down yore insides."</p> + +<p>"Jeff," he says, still hanging onto my +hands and pumping 'em so fervent it makes +me feel right diffident for him to be doing +so, "you're the doctor and your prescriptions +suit me. Bring on the grub! Say it +with chowders! We'll celebrate," he says, +"over the festal hot biscuits! What, ho, for +the wassail waffles!"</p> + +<p>And with that he goes prancing about +over the room dragging me along with him, +like he was, say, about nine years old, going +on ten.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[252]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter XXI</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Headed Home</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>FOR a fact, that meal which he eats is +more like a celebration than a regulation +meal, but considering of everything, +I reckon that's no more than what is +to be expected.</div> + +<p>He's half way through with his second +helpings of the lamb chops when he looks +up at me where I'm standing back of his +chair and he says to me with one of them +old-time little-boy twinkles in his eye, like +he used to have:</p> + +<p>"Jeff," he says, "you certainly can paint +a fanciful picture when you set yourself to +it. When I think of the blood-thirsty characteristics +which you bestowed upon those +devout and peace-loving ancestors of mine +I have to stop eating and laugh again."</p> + +<p>"You must a-been lis'senin' 'en," I says.</p> + +<p>"I overheard part of the tale from behind<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[253]</a></span> +the portieres," he says. "Oh, but it was +great stuff, and highly convincing! Even +in that crucial moment I could appreciate +your deft touches."</p> + +<p>"You ain't knowin' the ha'f of it yit, suh," +I says. "Wait till you hears tell 'bout them +fictionary kinsfolks I's conferred 'pon you +in 'nother quarter an' how I endowed the +whole passil of 'em wid the chronic failin' +of bein' onreliable in the haid. I 'spects +you'll want to use 'at pistol shore-'nuff in +earnest 'en."</p> + +<p>"Not me," he says; "not me. I'll give +three ringing cheers for your superior inventive +qualities. If I had your power of +imagination I'd charge admission," he says.</p> + +<p>"I'm glad you feels 'at way, suh," I says, +"but I shore does aim to walk wide of the +deceasted members of the Pulliam fambly +w'en I crosses over to the fur side of the +deep River of Jordan," I says. "I ain't +cravin' to git in no jam wid any ole residenter +angels till I's used to bein' one myse'f. +I wonder," I says, "whut Mr. H. C. +Raynor'd think ef he knowed 'at yore Uncle +Zachary wuz a Persistin' Elder of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[254]</a></span> +Southe'n Meth'dis' Church fur goin' on +twenty yeahs?"</p> + +<p>"Never mind what he thinks now or hereafter," +he says. "It's what my late partner +did that counts. Anyhow, you didn't deceive +him when you told him Uncle Zach's +nickname."</p> + +<p>"'At did fit in nice," I says; "me rememb'rin', +jest in the nick of time, 'at they called +the ole gen'elman Hell Roarin' Zach by +reason of his exhortin' powers w'en 'scribin' +them brimstones an' them hot fires bein' so +potent 'at the sinners could smell 'em an' +shiver. Well, suh, tha's all part of my system: +Stir a slight seasonin' of truthfulness +into the mixture frum time to time an' it +meks the batter stand up stiffer. An' also +don't never waste a good lie widout you has +to—save 'em till you needs 'em. Tha's my +motto, suh."</p> + +<p>"And I subscribe to it," he says, and he +chuckles some more. In fact he's chuckling +right straight along till he gets up from +the table. Then he rears back in a chair and +sets a cigar going. He makes me take a +cigar, too, which it is the first time I has<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[255]</a></span> +ever smoked in a white gentleman's presence +whilst serving him. But this is a special +occasion and more like a jollification +than anything else. So I starts puffing on +her when my Young Cap'n insists upon it; +and then, at his command, I just lit in and +told him all what had happened at Miss +DeWitt's flat that morning and about a lot +of other things—things I'd overheard and +things I'd suspicioned—which it had not +seemed fitten to tell 'em to him before this, +but now both time and place appears suitable.</p> + +<p>Talking about one thing leads to talking +about another, as it will, and presently I +finds myself confiding to him the expective +undertakings of the firm of Poindexter & +Petty, which that is all news out of a clear +sky to him, seeing as I'd kept this to myself +as a private matter in the early stages. He +says he'd sort of figured, though, I had +something up my sleeves, by reason of my +having seemed so interested in the moving-picture +business and all. And though he +don't say so, I judges he figures out, too, +that here lately I maybe has refrained from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[256]</a></span> +speaking to him about my own affairs when +he was so pesticated about his own—which +also, more or less, is the truth of it.</p> + +<p>But now he's deeply interested and 'lows +he wants to hear more. He states that while +he's sorry on his own account that I is not +going back home with him when he goes, +which that will be just as soon as he can +clean up things here and sell off the lease on +the apartment and so forth, still, he says, +he's glad for my sake that I'm going to stay +on since I've got bright prospects ahead of +me for to break into the business life of the +Great City. Him saying this so kindly inspires +me to go on and tell him all about +our plans and purposes. I says that the outlook +is that me and 'Lisses Petty will be +ready to open up pretty soon, seeing as I has +had word just two days before from Mr. +Simons that he's almost ready to cut loose +with his announcements in the papers. I'm +going on further along this line when all +of a sudden he busts in to ask me what about +the old judge coming home in the spring-time +from foreign-off parts and not finding +me there to meet him?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[257]</a></span></p> + +<p>Well, sirs, that do fetch me up short with +a jar! Because, if it must be confessed, I've +got to admit I has been so carried away with +my own pet schemes that the thought of my +obligations to Judge Priest is done entirely +escaped out of my foolish mind. I +hates to draw back from them new ambitions +of mine and yet, seems like, I can't +hardly bear the notion of breaking my +bounden promises to my old boss-man after +the way we'd been associated together under +the same roof for going on it's sixteen years. +What with the one thing pulling me this +here way and the other thing pulling me +that there way, all of a sudden I now gets a +kind of a choked-up feeling in my breast. +I don't know whether it's the wrench at my +heart or the strain on my wishbone. But it's +there! So I ups and puts the proposition +before the Young Cap'n and I asks what he +thinks I should do?</p> + +<p>He studies a minute and then he says to +me, he says:</p> + +<p>"Jeff," he says, "I'll tell you how I feel +about it and if, in view of the lack of judgment +I've shown recently in certain other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[258]</a></span> +matters, you still regard my advice as being +worth anything, you're welcome to it. You +believe you've got a chance to make good +up here, don't you? Well, then, I believe +it's your duty to yourself, regardless of almost +every other consideration, to take advantage +of that chance. And I'm positive +Judge Priest will feel the same way about +it when he learns the situation. I believe +he'll gladly release you from any obligations +you may owe him. In fact, knowing +him so well, I'll bank on it. With your consent +I'll write him tonight, a long letter, +setting forth the exact conditions. How +does that strike you."</p> + +<p>I tells him I is agreeable to that. But I +says to him, I says:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Dallas, one thing more, please, suh? +In yore letter tell the Jedge 'at w'en he gits +back, ef he finds the home-place ain't runnin' +to suit him widout me on hand to he'p +look after his comfort, w'y all he's got do +is jest lemme know an' I'll ketch the next +train fur home. Ef the bus'ness yere can't +run herse'f aw'ile wid 'Lisses Petty alone<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[259]</a></span> +on the job by hisse'f, then let the whole she-bang +go busted—tha's all.</p> + +<p>"Lis'sen, Mr. Dallas," I says, "I got yit +'nother idee in my haid—I craves to demerstrate +one thing! They's some w'ite +folkses w'ich claims the run of black folks +nowadays ain't got no proper sense of gratitudes +nor faithfulness, neither. They +claims 'at the new-issue cullid ain't lak the +ole-timers of the race wuz—'at they furgits +favors an' bre'ks pledges an' sometimes +turns an' bites the hand w'ich has fed an' +fondled 'em. Mebbe they is right—I ain't +'sputin' they ain't, in some cases. But I is +sayin' they is one shiny black nigger jest +rearin' to prove the contrarywise so fur ez +he pussonally is concern', w'ich I'm," I says, +"him!</p> + +<p>"An' in fu'ther proof whar'of," I says, +"I begs you to mek me a solemn promise, +yere an' now. I asts you, please, suh, to keep +yo eye on the ole boss-man an' ef he sh'd +show the onfailin' signs of feeblin'-up an' +bre'kin' down—w'ich is only to be 'spected, +seein' ez he is gittin' 'long so in yeahs—I +don't want you to wait 'twell he notifies me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[260]</a></span> +hisse'f 'at he's needin' me. 'Cause the +chances is he wouldn't do it, noways, effen +he feared it mout mean a sacrifice on my +part fur me to come to him. I wants you +to send me the word on yore own 'sponsibility +an' I'll git to his side jest ez fast ez +them steam-cyars kin tote me."</p> + +<p>He says he is glad I feels thus-and-so +about it and he gladly passes his word to do +like I asked him, if the situation arises. +With this here point settled he guides me +back to tell him yet more about the prospects +of Poindexter & Petty. Which I +ain't needing much prompting there, seeing +as the said projects lays close to my heart +and my mind. I tells him we has reached +the point where we is about to close the deal +for the office. In fact, I says, I has been +calculating some on running up-town to see +'Lisses about that very detail this same afternoon +providing he don't need me round +the apartment to do something or other for +him. Whereupon he up and says an astonishing +thing:</p> + +<p>"I'll go along with you if you don't +mind," he says. "I want to have a look at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[261]</a></span> +this associate of yours and get his views. +I'd like to do more than that if it can be arranged; +I'd like to lend my aid in helping +to put this enterprise on its feet—to feel +that, in one way or another, I had a friendly +hand in it. I'm your eternal debtor, you +know, Jeff."</p> + +<p>"Go 'way frum yere, Mr. Dallas," I says, +"an' quit yore foolin'. Whut bus'ness has +you got gittin' yo'se'f mixed in wid a pack +of nigger-rubbage? Whut would the rest +of the high-toned folks down home say ef +they heared of any sech goings-on 'pon yore +part? Tell me 'at, suh?"</p> + +<p>"Never mind what they'd think or what +they'd say," he says; "that's my look-out. +Tell me the truth now, Jeff,—have you two +boys got all the money you need to start you +up and to keep you going until your agency +begins to pay?"</p> + +<p>At that I has to admit to him that the +prior expenses has been right smart heavier +than what us two had figured on at the +start-off.</p> + +<p>"That's what I rather suspected," he says. +"Now then, I've got out of my own complications<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[262]</a></span> +in much better shape than I'd ever +dreamed I could. I still have a sizeable +stake left. In fact I figure I've got just +about a thousand dollars to spare. If you +don't feel like taking a thousand dollars +from me as a gift, or in part payment for +your services to me during the past twenty-odd +hours, why not take it as a loan without +interest until you get on your feet, or until +you've had ample opportunity to try this +new venture out thoroughly—No, by Jove, +I've got a better plan than that! I want to +stick that thousand in as an investment along +with you two boys. If I never get it back, or +any part of it, count it money well-spent. +I've made a number of other investments in +my bright young life that didn't pay either, +and I'll be drawing regular dividends on +this one, even though they may not be in +terms of dollars and cents. Come on—let's +go see this friend, Petty, of yours. You +can't keep me out of the deal on anything +short of an injunction."</p> + +<p>What is you going to do with a hard-headed +white man when he gets his neck +bowed that-a-way? You is going to do just<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[263]</a></span> +what we done, that's what you going do! +So that's how come Poindexter & Petty is +now got for their silent partner a member +of one of the oldest families in West Kentucky +and pure quality from the feet up.</p> + +<p>I has come mighty close to forgetting one +other thing which happens before we leaves +the place to go on up to Harlem. I is helping +him on with his coat when he says:</p> + +<p>"Wait a minute! I want to write out some +telegrams first. I want to send one to my +lawyer, Mr. Jere Fairleigh, stating that the +Prodigal will shortly be on his way back, +and one to my cousin to have the home-place +opened up for me—and one other. +I've gotten rather behind with my correspondence +lately; I'll do some letter-writing +tonight. But I'll wire on ahead first. You +call a messenger-boy, Jeff."</p> + +<p>I trusts I is not no spy but I just can't +keep from peeping over his shoulder whilst +he's writing out that there third telegram—which +it is pretty near long enough to be a +letter itself—and I is rejoiced in my soul +to note that it's being sent to the one I hoped +'twas—and that's Miss Henrietta Farrell.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[264]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>Chapter XXII</h2> + +<div class="center"><i>Last Words</i></div> + + +<div class='cap extraspace'>WELL, I got my Young Cap'n off +this morning. I has to admit that +I begun contracting a kind of a +let-down feeling in my mind as the time +drawed near for us to say our farewells to +one another. You couldn't exactly call it +homesickness nor yet downright sorrowfulness; +it was kind of a mixed sensation, +with regretitude and lonesomeness and +gladsomeness all scrambled up together, +and running through it, a knowledge that +I'm going to miss him mighty much for +awhile, anyhow. I certainly has grown +powerful devoted to him since last summer +and I knows full well that, from his standpoint, +he must have similar regards towards +me. I reckon our own kind of folks can +appreciate how this attachment could<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[265]</a></span> +a-sprung up betwixt us, even if most of +these here Northerners can't.</div> + +<p>It must be that my looks more or less betrays +my emotions as the parting time draws +closer, because he keeps on speaking cheering +utterances to me about other matters, +without mentioning the nearby separation; +which I appreciates the spirit behind his +words as much as I does the words themselves. +If I told it to him once at that depot +I suppose I must a-told it to him a dozen +times, to give my most respectful regards to +the old boss-man when next he sees him. +And he keeps saying to me I must write +regular and keep him posted on everything +in general.</p> + +<p>"I's shore countin' on seein' you down +home next summer wen I comes down on a +visit," I says; "I's already mekin' my plans +'cordin'ly. Mebbe," I says, "you mout +ketch me sneakin' in even sooner 'en 'at, ef +so be this yere bookin' agency bus'ness teks +a notion to blow up on us."</p> + +<p>"I've got a conviction you'll make good," +he says. "If the first venture doesn't pan +out I'll trust in you to light on your feet<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[266]</a></span> +somewhere else—I've seen you in operation, +you know." Then he goes on, speaking +now a little bit wistful-like: "You seem +able to figure out a way to beat this New +York game, by playing it according to your +own set of rules. But I couldn't do it—I +had it proven to me and the proof cost me +money. I'm through—and ought to be glad +of it. You're just starting."</p> + +<p>"Well, suh," I says, "I does my best. The +way I looks at this town," I says, "is this +yere way: Jest ez soon ez you gits over bein' +daunted-up by the size of her, the best +scheme is to start in lettin' on lak you knows +mo' 'bout 'most ever'thin' 'en whut the folkses +does w'ich has been livin' yere all along. +That'll fetch 'em ef anything will, or else +I misses my guess. This is the onliest place +I knows of," I says, "whar a shined-up +counterfeit passes muster jest ez well ez the +pyure gold, ef not better, 'specially ef the +gold happens to be sort of dulled-down an' +tarnished-lookin'. The very way the town +is laid out he'ps to clarify my p'int, suh," +I says. "She's fenced in betwixt a bluff on +one side an' a Sound on the other, an' she's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[267]</a></span> +sufferin' frum the effects of her own joggraphy. +Jest combine in yore daily actions +the biggest of bluffs an' the most roarin' of +sounds an' she's liable to lay down at yore +feet an' roll over at yore command. Leas'wise," +I says, "them's my beliefs."</p> + +<p>"Probably you are right," he says. +"Well, Jeff, try not to let these people up +here spoil you and make you fresh and impudent. +I don't believe they will, though."</p> + +<p>"Oh, but you is wrong thar, suh," I says. +"I kin tek spilin' ez well ez the nex' one. Ef +they aims to come edgin' 'crost the culler-line +in my direction, I ain't the one to +hender 'em. Whut they gives, I'll tek an' +a bit mo'. Ef they ain't had the 'vantage +of bein' raised the way you an' me is, an' +wants fur to pamper me all up, I'm goin' to +let 'em do so. Fact is, Mr. Dallas," I says, +"I's gittin' pampered already. Lemme +show you somethin', suh, in strictes' confidences—yere's +a perfessional callin'-cyard, +w'ich I had a lot of em struck off yistiddy +at a printin'-shop over on Columbus Avenue." +And I deals the top one off of the +pack in my vest pocket and hands it over to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[268]</a></span> +him. "See whut it sez," I says. "It sez, +'Col. J. Exeter Poindexter, Esq.'"</p> + +<p>"How did you work that arrangement +out?" he says, smiling.</p> + +<p>"Mouty easy-lak," I says. "'Col.' is short +for 'cullid', ain't it? So I jest shortens up +'cullid' into 'Col.' an' switches it frum the +caboose end to the front end. An' I changes +my middle name to 'Exeter' w'ich it has a +mo' stylish sound to it 'en whut 'Exodus' +had. An' I tacks on the 'Esq.' at the fur +endin' to mek it still mo' bindin', lak the +button on a rattle-snake's tail. An' thar +you is, suh!"</p> + +<p>"But you are not a colonel—yet," he says.</p> + +<p>"Whut's the diff'unce," I says, "so long +ez these yere folkses don't know no better. +They fattens on bein' deceived. An', anyway," +I says, "I aims fur to cultivate the +military manner. Mr. Dallas," I says, +"don't mek no mistek 'bout it—I's gittin' +fresh already, w'ich it is the customary custom +yere, an' the chances is I'll git still +fresher yit. But it'll be fur Noo Yawk +pu'pposes 'sclusively. W'en I meets up wid +one of my own kind of w'ite folks in these<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[269]</a></span> +parts or w'en I goes back ag'in amongst my +own folks down below the Line, I'll know +my place an' my station an' I'll respec' 'em +both; an' I'll be jest the same plain reg'lar +ole J. Poindexter, Cullid, w'ich you alluz +has knowed. Please, suh, tell Jedge Priest +'at fur me, too!" I says.</p> + +<p>The time comes for him to get aboard +without he wants to miss his train. So we +says our parting words. I reckons some of +them white foreigners standing there gaping +at us can't understand why it is that Mr. +Dallas, and him a Southern-born white +gentleman, should throw his arm around +my shoulder at the farewell moment and pat +me on the back. But then, of course, that's +due to the ignorance of their raisings and +probably they is not to blame so much after +all.</p> + +<p>I will now draw to a close with the above +accounts. Writing is a sight harder work +than I thought it would be when I set in +to do this authorizing, and I is not sorry +to be shut of the job. Anyway, from now +on, I'm a New York business man, which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[270]</a></span> +I counts on it paying better than writing for +a living, if only I've got the right salt for +sprinkling on the Luck-Bird's tail.</p> + +<p>I think I has.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>THE END</h2> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="caption, center">Footnotes:</div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_4" id="Footnote_1_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_4"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> Note by Jeff's amanuensis.—In the part of the Union +from which Jeff hails and among his race the word <i>mumbling</i> +denotes complaint, peevishness, a querulous utterance.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_4" id="Footnote_2_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_4"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> Note.—It is believed that Jeff +meant "transient."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span></p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3_4" id="Footnote_3_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_4"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> Note.—It has just dawned upon Jeff's volunteer amanuensis +that throughout the preceding pages of this narrative, +Jeff's more or less phonetic rendering of this word was an +effort on his part to deal with the Gallicized pronunciation +of an English diminutive for a common proper name, +to wit: <i>Billy</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[203]</a></span></p></div> + + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_4_4" id="Footnote_4_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_4_4"><span class="label">[4]</span></a> Note.—The word is believed to be one of Jeff's own +coinage. It is left as written. Its meaning may be doubtful +but who will deny that it is a good word?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[236]</a></span></p></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<div class="caption, center">Transcriber's Notes:</div> + + +<p>No changes have been made to the original document. The following are +documented to clarify the instances where the original book used +variations of words or words spelled in a way to convey the speech +pattern.</p> + +<blockquote> +<ol> +<li>Hungry city - possible typo for Hungary City</li> + +<li>homestick - possible typo for homesick (used in other places)</li> + +<li>Look how they mouty nigh broke they necks fur to usher you in in due +state? - in in -- possible typo</li> +</ol> + +</blockquote> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's J. Poindexter, Colored, by Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK J. 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