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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Letters of the Motor Girl, by Ethellyn Gardner
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Letters of the Motor Girl
+
+Author: Ethellyn Gardner
+
+Release Date: May 30, 2011 [EBook #36280]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LETTERS OF THE MOTOR GIRL ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Roger Frank
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                       LETTERS OF THE MOTOR GIRL
+
+                                   BY
+
+                            ETHELLYN GARDNER
+
+                    BRILLIANT, THRILLING, STARTLING
+
+             The breeziest bunch of letters ever published
+
+
+                      Distributed to the trade by
+                        The New England News Co.
+                        14 to 20 Franklin Street
+                             Boston, Mass.
+
+
+
+
+                       Letters of the Motor Girl
+                                   BY
+                            Ethellyn Gardner
+
+                            Copyright, 1906
+                          By Ethellyn Gardner
+
+                             Colonial Press
+                          C. H. Simonds & Co.
+                            Boston, U. S. A.
+
+
+
+
+LETTERS OF THE MOTOR GIRL
+
+
+
+
+LETTER I
+
+
+I am fourteen years old to-day, June 17th, 1905. Pa said he hoped I
+would live to be at least one hundred, because my Aunt Annie wanted me
+to be a boy, so she could name me Jack; she had a beau by that name and
+then married him, and he married some one else, so had two wives at
+once, and got put in jail. Pa says he's a live wire. I have seen his
+picture, but I thought he looked too stupid to get two wives at once. I
+would think a man would have to be very smart and step lively to get two
+wives at once. Pa says he has stepped over all the good he had in him he
+reckons.
+
+I am learning to drive a big touring car, the Franklin, Model G. It's a
+cracker jack car, just let me tell you. The manager is the nicest man I
+ever saw. He said I looked like Pa--that's why I think he is so nice--my
+Pa is the very nicest man I ever saw. Then Levey Cohen comes next to the
+Franklin car manager. If you want a good car that can pick up her feet
+and fly on the road, you get a Franklin, and you will find that the
+finest car made is the Franklin. I am in love with my car. Pa says I
+know a whole lot for my age, almost as much as a boy. I am glad I am a
+girl, boys are horrid sometimes; they don't like to spend all their
+money to buy chocolates for the girls. Ma says Pa sent her a five-pound
+box every Sunday. Pa says nearly all boys are good for is to play ball,
+and smash windows, and cry, if they have to pay for them. Pa says I will
+change my mind when I grow up, but I am not going to grow up. I have
+seen Peter Pan, and I like wings, and angel cake, very much indeed. Next
+to my Pa, comes chocolates--I like all the good ones. Levey Cohen says I
+am a sugar-plum, but Pa says I need a whole lot of sugar yet, to be very
+sweet. I told him I knew flies could tell the boys that were sweet,
+because some of their mothers put molasses on their hair to keep it
+smooth,--Johnnie Alton has lots of flies around his head,--and I wondered
+why, so one day I put my finger on his hair when he wasn't looking, and
+pressed just a little, and the hair cracked. My, he was mad. He said,
+"Cut-it-out," and I said, "Oh, Johnnie, you would look too funny."
+
+Now about my motor car. I took my first lesson of the manager the other
+day; he says I will be going up the sides of the houses before long if I
+don't look to the wheel more. I like to let the machine go after she
+starts. Surely those lights ought to show the way. My, how she will go.
+Levey Cohen says I am a nice girl and when I get big he is going to
+marry me. Well, I don't think I will get married. Pa says I had better
+stick to him and Ma, and, anyway, I am having lots of fun. I went out
+alone in my car. I went all right for awhile, but there always comes a
+time when a car won't go, and I got that time out in Brookline near Dr.
+Jones' house. I went in and telephoned for the manager to come for me--he
+came in another car and towed me home. I don't like that. I told Pa I
+hoped that car wouldn't lose its breath again, and now in four weeks she
+has done fine.
+
+I can't write always every day. I write a whole lot when I feel like it,
+then I don't think of it again for weeks. Pa says he nearly died
+laughing reading the diary Ma made. I shall give my diary to Levey Cohen
+when we are married--I suppose I shall have to marry him some day, just
+to prove to him that I don't like him any too well. Pa says that you had
+better not marry any one you really care for, then you won't need to
+expect to find any letters in their pockets--Pa's pockets are always full
+of letters, he never thinks to mail them--and every week Ma and I take
+them to the post-office in a bag. When Pa begins to look like a bundle
+of straw with a string tied in the middle, Ma will say, "Elsie, it's
+mail-time." Sure as you live, Pa says he's a walking post-office, but Ma
+says, "Yes, a dead-letter office out of date." Now I will go for a spin
+in my car. It's a fine day and the sooner I get started the longer I can
+be out, so bye-bye till later on, as we are going to see Barnum's
+circus.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Pa and Levey Cohen and Ma and I all went to the circus. Really, it was
+very good--we all enjoyed it very much. Ma fed chocolates to the pet
+elephant and so did I. Pa and I took in some of the side-shows. What an
+awful cheat they are! We saw a sign that read: "Come in and see the
+$50,000 Horse, his tail where his head ought to be." We paid our money
+and went in, and we saw the wonderful horse turned around in his
+stall--true, his head where his tail ought to be. Pa said he knew it was
+a big sell, and he laughed; said he would try again. A little further on
+we saw another sign that read: "See the wonder Dog--half bear." Pa said
+that must be a novelty, so we went in, and saw a big Newfoundland black
+dog standing on a box half-shaved close. Pa said, "Which half is bear?"
+and the man said, "The half that was shaved, mister." We looked up and
+saw a sign that read "Sciddoo!" We did. Pa said Barnum was a smart
+man--said he had fooled more people than any one man on earth, but the
+best of it all was they were just as eager to be fooled the next year.
+Pa says if that law about whiskers gets into force it will be mighty
+interesting for some good men like Dr. Parkhurst and Anthony Comstock.
+Neither of them poor devils will dare go out, except in the evening, and
+then the cop may get them for carrying about nude faces. Pa says it's a
+bad place for microbes to settle down in a man's beard. All the wise men
+I know goes smooth face and that's the best way, I think. We have a
+Frenchman who is our gardener. He can't talk very good English. He told
+Pa the other day, speaking of his memory of his childhood, that he could
+remember backwards very far. When he tried to harness the horse on our
+little farm he said to the horse: "You, good huss, just open your face
+now and take in your harness." Pa says, brush away and come to dinner,
+so,
+
+                                                                So long,
+                                                                  ELSIE.
+
+P. S. Pa says here are some questions that half of the Public are asking
+the other half: Question--What is an automobile? Answer--A wagon with big
+rubbers on its feet. Name two uses of the automobile? Ans. To run people
+down and to run them in. What is the horn used for? Ans. To frighten the
+life out of one, so he will stand still and get run over. What's the
+difference in running over a dog and a man? Ans. If you run over a dog
+it costs you $5, or if a man, 5 years. What is a constable? A man with
+the hoe who is too lazy to work, so arrests every man he sees in an
+automobile.
+
+Pa says these are all for now.
+
+                                                                      E.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER II
+
+
+Well, what do you think! I have been to Atlantic City for the Automobile
+races. Had I been older Pa says I could have entered my Franklin car for
+the race, but he said "no use for a girl to try," so I just looked on. I
+fell in love with Miss Rogers, she is a smart woman, a real
+thoroughbred, Pa says. Ma don't dare to drive a car; she is a
+'fraid-cat, won't even shoot the shoots at Coney Island. Why, they don't
+make anything I wouldn't try! I got old Deacon Weston to ride the flying
+horses with me at Coney Island, and the band played "There will be a Hot
+Time in the Old Town To-night." Deacon Weston's coat-tails blew out
+behind him like the American flag in a gale of wind, and the boys nearly
+died to see how hard he held on. It's jolly fun to live! I heard Pa say
+Mrs. Pat Campbell and her poodle had solved the joy of living, but I
+don't believe she has half the fun I do. Why, I can climb a tree if I
+like to. Pa says I shouldn't, else I'll be a tomboy. I don't see how I
+can be a tomboy when I am a girl, but Pa says that there are lots of
+things you don't learn in school. I like school pretty well, but like
+most girls, I am more fond of vacations. In vacation, in summer, we go
+to grandpa's in the country, out in Pennsylvania. I stepped on a
+bumblebee one day--that is, I tried to, but I didn't step heavy. He saw
+my foot coming and it was bare, and he made me dance good, for a little.
+I don't think I'll walk in the dewy grass any more in the morning. Pa
+told Ma it would keep me always young, and as I don't want to grow up I
+just went out to try it, but I believe I will even be willing to wear
+long dresses and grow up, if I have to dance to a bumblebee sting; I
+don't like the music at all, too much pain in it, for harmony.
+
+My grandma has a pet little cow. Pa says it's a calf, and I got the
+pony's harness and put it on the calf, and he didn't like to be a pony
+at all. He just kicked and tipped me all over the yard. Ma screamed and
+Pa laughed. Pa said, "Let them alone, both those kids are just alike,"
+meaning me and the calf. We are better friends than when I first came
+here, for he would run when I came in sight, but now he runs to meet me,
+'cause he expects me to give him some sugar. He likes it just as well as
+my pony does. I often feel sad to think that I can't feed sugar to my
+automobile--don't it seem a real shame?--but they are built to live on
+electricity or gasoline. I just pity them. Think of not being able to
+eat ice-cream and chocolates. My Uncle Smith is coming to see me from
+Buffalo. He is the dearest man. He has a camera and the first time I saw
+him he had on a brown suit and his camera slung over his shoulder, and
+oh, my! but he looked the professional. I was almost scared of him, but
+he is a mighty nice man. He has taken lots of pictures of me with my
+Franklin car, and he got a snap shot of Deacon Weston on the flying
+horses, and I nearly died myself when I saw it. He looked worse than a
+scotcher after a highball, Pa said. I never saw a highball, but Pa says
+it's a live wire, so I shall keep in the middle of the good path. I
+heard a Salvation Army man say that, so it is on the level. Pa says
+slang forms too great a part of the present-day conversation, but I
+don't think I am any joke, only I know my Pa knows all that is worth
+knowing. My Pa is a very wise man for his years--he's been married twice,
+and he says two marriages will either make or break a man, depends on
+his disposition. Pa says he made a mess of his first marriage, but the
+second one was good. I belong to the second house. Pa says a man who is
+married twice can learn to manage the worst kind of an automobile. He
+says none of them could have more kinks than some women, and do such
+unexpected stunts. I guess the man I read about in the automobile
+magazine that never swears under any condition has been married twice.
+Pa says two marriages will smooth out a man's disposition as nice as a
+hot iron will a shirt-bosom. They asked Pa to run for Governor of New
+York State; said he could govern anything, but Pa is very modest. He
+said his wife didn't like society and he considered her happiness first;
+said all men should. Pa knows which side his bread is buttered on, Ma
+has all the money I I sang that song one night called "Everybody Works
+but Father," and Pa nearly lost his temper. He took it personally to
+himself, so for the last few days he gets up at five o'clock and goes up
+Commonwealth Ave. with his car and blows his Gabriel horn for all he is
+worth all the way. Once I heard him say as he went out: "Yes, everybody
+works but Father, do they? Well, I guess they will think Father's
+working some to-day."
+
+Isn't life a queer problem? My, I wonder what it all means! Sometimes it
+seems like a continuous vaudeville show, then it changes and becomes
+serious, clouds and tears, and, oh, dear, I don't understand it at all.
+I will try to be a good girl, but being a real Sunday girl isn't any
+fun. I think I am a little related to Buster Brown, anyway, I would like
+to have his dog. Levey Cohen said he would get him for me, but I thought
+Buster would be lonesome, and I have my Pa, and automobile. Why is it
+that girls like their Pas so much? I have got a beautiful mother, she is
+too handsome and queenly for anything, but I seem to be Pap's own girl.
+He says I am the light of his eyes. Pa's as much of a boy as I am, only
+he's grown up. He has beautiful brown hair; he isn't bald on the top of
+his head. I have always been told when a man is bald-headed it was
+because his wife was a tartar and robbed his pockets while he slept, and
+pulled his hair out, if he noticed the loss of his money. Pa has plenty
+of money. Pa said he settled the money question with Ma's Pa before they
+were married; he said all men making second marriages should see about
+the financial end of the game. I never knew just how it ended, but I do
+know that Pa is considered very swell, and rich, and he says Levey Cohen
+has his eyes on his pocketbook, but I don't see how that is, for Pa
+never carries it out of the house. It's in the safe in the billiard-room
+and Pa has never asked Levey to play billiards because he always calls
+in the late afternoon, and Pa always plays billiards at noon, or early
+in the day. Pa says the ice man would be as much of a gentleman as an
+actor, if he had the free advertising that some of them get. I like
+actors because they can be anything they like from a beggar to a king,
+and all they do is to put on different clothes. One would think it was
+an easy thing to be an actor, but I guess they have their ups and downs;
+they are not all kings, but I like some of them tip-top, say, for
+instance, Mr. Edmund Breese and Mr. George Coen. All the girls like
+them. I heard Pa say that they understood the real act of impersonating
+as well as any he knew of on the boards--and the women on the stage are
+all fine, that I have seen. I think Elsie Janis is a darling. I just
+love her. I would be almost willing to let her marry Levey Cohen if I
+didn't think I really wanted him myself. I am pretty willing he should
+take her out in his car. Levey Cohen is a very handsome chap; he is four
+years older than I am, and Pa says he's doing well for a kid. I don't
+like to be called a kid, and I don't think Levey does either, but it's
+Pa's way of talking. My Pa is a cousin to Bill Nye that used to write
+for the papers so much. Pa said he was better than he looked in the
+papers; I hope he was, because he looked in the papers, poor man, like a
+bean-pole with a rubber ball on the top of it for a head. He was a funny
+man, on paper, but Pa says in his home he was Mr. Edgar Nye, loved and
+respected by all, and that's saying a good deal in this age of rush and
+tear.
+
+Well, good-bye, little book, I have told you all my secrets for four
+weeks past now, and I will say good night. It's 6 P. M. and we are going
+to the Touraine for dinner as the cook got dopy, Pa says, and let the
+fire go out in the kitchen. Ma, poor dear, can't cook, so we are going
+out to dine and then to see some circus on Mars they have here. Pa says
+I must learn to cook if I want to keep Levey at home after we get
+married, and I am going to learn. I boiled some eggs for Pa the other
+morning when the cook went to market. I thought they would cook in three
+hours, most meats will, in that time, but Pa said, "Nay, nay, Pauline,
+make it three minutes," so I did. My Pa can cook, but he won't. He says
+it's the cook's work. Pa objects to doing other people's work for them;
+he says they must all do it some time, and why not begin here, now, so
+that's how we stand on the cook-book question.
+
+                                                                  ELSIE.
+
+P. S. Pa says he's from Missouri when the cook says the air is bad and
+the coal won't burn. He says it's more likely it's her breath that stuns
+even the coal and that it's 23 for ourn, as far as dinner goes, that's
+why we go to a hotel.
+
+                                                                  ELSIE.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER III
+
+
+Well, here I am again, little book. Pa and I went to Harvard Class Day,
+out to Cambridge. I took him in my Franklin car. I have never had any
+trouble since that Brookline adventure, and was towed home. My! but I
+felt cheap. I would have sold that car that day for 99 cents, but she's
+all right ever since--has just been making up for past bad behavin', just
+like a naughty little girl I know of. Pa says of all the colleges in the
+land Haryard is the best. Pa graduated from Harvard and Levey Cohen is a
+junior, and they are worse than ten old women about the old days Pa
+spent at Harvard. Of course I like Harvard because Pa does; I never
+question Pa's judgment because he says it's so, and there is nothing to
+do but believe him, especially when Levey Cohen always backs him up.
+It's two men against one little girl, and I don't have a bit of a show
+if I don't side in. Pa is a Democrat and Levey and I are both staunch
+Republicans--so is Ma--Pa don't dare mention politics in the house, he
+goes over to South Boston or down to Salem Willows when he feels a
+political spell coming on. He don't have our company then. Ma says two
+marriages ought to change any man from a Democrat to a Republican, but
+it hasn't worked on Pa's constitution yet. Harvard is just a dear, so
+many really handsome men, and fine fellows. Lots of them have
+automobiles and they make them hum. They say it's lots more fun driving
+a car above the speed limit and being chased by a policeman than it is
+to steal barber poles and store signs; they all have drop numbers on
+their cars, so no one has ever been caught yet. I have one on my
+Franklin. I had to use it one day, for I run a race with Harold Hill, of
+Brookline, and beat him by two miles, but I also beat the policeman, and
+Pa said he would give me credit for being my father's daughter. But you
+will laugh when I tell you Pa has been fined three times for fast
+speeding, but he has forgotten all about that and I haven't the heart to
+refresh his memory, Pa's such a dear. I went to a football game a year
+ago, and Alice Roosevelt was there, and a big crowd beside. I don't care
+for football. I think it's too much of a mush for comfort. I like golf.
+Pa is a cracker jack on golf; he has friends in New Jersey who are fine
+players. Pa won a cup one year. It's a beauty. I like that sport. I can
+beat Levey Cohen every time. I rather play with him because I always get
+the game. Pa says Levey knows his business, but I don't care, so long as
+I get the game. Pa says: "Just wait, little girl, till you are married,
+and you will be surprised how much faster Levey will pick up his feet in
+golf than he does now." That's about the meanest thing Pa ever said to
+me in all his life. He won't get but two kisses, for saying that, this
+day. I usually count 80, but he will see that kisses have had a big
+slump since this morning, and he will be out altogether. He won't have
+margin enough to cover, I'll bet you, he'll be taken so off his feet. Pa
+has dabbled in stocks enough to know all the points of loss. He says he
+was a hoodoo on the market; when he sold stock went up, and when he
+bought they slumped, so he will say it's his regular luck. Poor, dear
+Pa, no one will ever know how much I love my father. He's the dearest
+man on earth--except Levey Cohen--he is next best. It would be an awfully
+bad thing if I didn't marry Levey Cohen, after all, but I will; he's the
+only right sort. I know others are good, but--he is goodiest of all. He
+always lets me have my own way and any girl likes that. My Pa thinks
+it's just awful to put any money on a horse, but my Uncle Smith from
+Buffalo is a live wire, and he took me to a race at Readville this
+spring and he put a thousand, 10 to 1, on Bumshell, for me, and a
+thousand dollars for himself. When he gave me the $10,000 I took it home
+and showed it to Pa and he said: "Elsie, where did you get that money?"
+and I said, "Off Bumshell, he won the race." "Did your Uncle Smith back
+you?" "Sure he did, Pa" "Thunder! What does he mean? My daughter
+learning to gamble on the racetrack? Your Uncle Smith ought to know
+better than that." "Well, Pa, he said if we lost it would be a gamble,
+but if we won, why, it was O. K., so we won." Well, Pa put the money in
+the Charity box on Sunday and said he hoped it would do some poor cuss
+good, for I didn't need it, neither did he. I don't know what he will
+say to Uncle Smith when he sees him, but I am going to write and tell
+him to wait a little till Pa cools off. Ma said I had better tell Uncle
+Smith that Pa had suddenly gone up above par in gambling stock, and to
+wait till the excitement was over before he came in. Well, I telephoned
+him instead, and he waited two weeks and then asked me to ask Pa how the
+market was. That was too much for Pa. He laughed and said, "Tell Uncle
+Smith to come over to dinner now the cook's breath don't put the fire
+out." So we will have a jolly dinner and go to Keith's this evening.
+
+So good-bye, for I hear Pa asking where his little girl is.
+
+                                                                  ELSIE.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER IV
+
+
+Well, dear little book, here I am again. We have all been down in Maine
+for six weeks. What a fine place "In the Good Old Summer Time." We went
+first to Rockland, then to Portland and Bangor. We used the Eastern
+Steamship Co. boats. They are certainly very nice, and have all the
+comforts of home, except bath-tubs. Pa says if they would only put in
+bath-tubs the public would call them blessed forever. At Bangor we were
+introduced to Mr. Lorison Appletree Booker; he is one of the youngest
+and smartest lawyers in New England. Pa says he knew his father and they
+were of fine stock. I had my Franklin car, so Pa asked Mr. Booker to
+show us about the city. Bangor is a nice city, but it don't have any
+barrooms in sight like most cities do. Pa says it's a matter of
+legislation whether they are in sight or not. Pa says a glass of their
+whiskey down there will make a man think he owns the State. Pa says he
+has never delivered any lectures on the temperance question, so he won't
+begin now. Pa says if you want to shoot big game go to Maine; if you
+want the finest trout in the world you will find them at Moosehead Lake,
+Maine; and if you want to tramp miles over hills and dales after golf
+balls, go to Kineo, Maine, it's one of the grandest of all places in New
+England. If you want to see the ugliest woman on earth go to Lowell,
+Mass., she's there. I saw some fine automobiles in Bangor and Portland.
+The people down there are all up-to-date; they know a good thing when
+they see it advertised. Pa says you can't do anything, these days, in
+business, if you don't advertise. Pa is great on advertising business of
+all sorts, he has helped many a firm out on ads to sell and display
+goods. Pa has his own ideas, and when he has sold them they have come
+high, but the one that followed them got a big pile of dough. Pa says
+the business man to-day must spend money to make money, and the one who
+places the best and most judicious advertising gets the most business.
+Pa says even a business that's no good can be made good by advertising.
+Advertising makes people think--some think right, some wrong, some look
+and wonder. Pa says there is only one sure way to get rich quick, and
+that is to marry a rich woman, any other way is a snare and delusion. Pa
+knows by experience that this is true, so he gives his knowledge free to
+save others from expensive experiences. Pa says that women should be
+very careful about getting married to strangers that can't really
+account for their silver and their business. He says to especially
+beware of any slick good talker you might meet in a bank where your hard
+earnings are deposited and you are afterwards made acquainted with the
+same man you saw hanging around at the bank. You remember noticing him
+because he looked pleasant and dressed nice. Well, Pa says look out and
+don't think of getting married to such a man, for he's only another
+hawk, and is after your bank-book; perhaps he's had twenty or fifty
+wives, one cannot tell. If you want to marry, grow up with the man, Pa
+says, as I have with Levey Cohen. I have known him ever since I was five
+years of age and I know he's the best and dearest boy that was ever--even
+Pa thinks Levey is a sparkling light, and I know I do, for he brings so
+many boxes of chocolates. I don't know which kind I like best yet, but
+sometime I will decide.
+
+Well, so long, we are going to Bar Harbor in our car from here, so I
+won't write again for some days.
+
+                                                                  ELSIE.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER V
+
+
+We didn't go to Bar Harbor; we came back to Boston, for Pa had to see
+about one of his inventions--Pa's a wonderful man, he has invented lots
+of things--I don't dare record the name of his motor car, for he has
+arranged by phonography and electricity a whole band, and when he goes
+out by himself always turns on the power and a band plays wonderfully
+clear--sounds as if it were just coming up the street. People rush to the
+doors and throw up the windows, and look up and down the street, but no
+band appears, and as Pa rides up the street the sound gets fainter and
+fainter, till it vanishes into silence; then he will put on the echo,
+and they hear it all over again as distinct as before. They never
+connect Pa with the band, and I have been with him several times early
+in the morning and Levey Cohen has gone in the evening, and people are
+wondering what it all means. They wrote it up in the papers, but no one
+has yet found out what it is, or where it comes from. When they do I
+don't know what will happen. I am very sure I don't want to be around.
+The other night we were coming home real late from a trip to Wonderland
+(say, that's a good name for that place; I have wondered a whole lot
+since I saw it). We had had a wonderful day, Pa and I (Pa is a dear. He
+will shoot the shoots, ride the roller coaster or stand on his head if I
+say so to have fun). Well, we were riding real slow in Pa's automobile,
+the nameless wonder, when all of a sudden I heard something that scared
+me. I heard a man's rough voice shout, "Hi, there! stop or I'll shoot!"
+Pa stopped so quick that it shook the machine good and the band struck
+up "Where Is My Wandering Boy To-night?" The burglar listened for a
+moment, spellbound, took off his hat and bowed his head and said,
+"That's my sainted mother's favorite song, I have always been bad and my
+poor mother has died of a broken heart." Then as he proceeded with his
+story, Pa pulled out a second stop and the cornet played the second
+verse and a fine sweet tenor voice sang with such feeling that I nearly
+cried myself. The burglar was entirely broken up, and when the song
+ended and one of Sousa's marches began, the man pulled himself together
+and said, "Well, that song saved your garl darned neck, for I intended
+murder to get money. Good-bye, that band will be in sight in a minute
+and I don't care to be seen." So off he went; then we moved on. Pa put
+on the echo and it all came back, the moon came out and it was the most
+dreamy thing you ever heard. The burglar waited some moments by the
+roadside in the bushes for the band to appear, but none came. He
+pondered a moment, then said, "Strung, by gosh." When I got home I told
+Ma she had missed the best fun of her life, for I had had dreamland all
+day and all the way home besides. We didn't tell Ma about the burglar,
+she would have had a real fit. Pa says Ma is too timid for a real modern
+1906 woman--said she should have been born in ye olden days, but I don't
+think so, my Ma is a darling and no one knows it better than Pa, either.
+Sometimes I sing, "Where Is My Wandering Boy To-night," and Pa always
+laughs, and Ma don't see the point at all. She says it's sad, but Pa
+gets a fit of the giggles just like a girl and Levey Cohen and I have
+our hands full to keep Ma pleasant, for she thinks Pa is making fun of
+that poor wandering boy, when in reality Pa's only giving thanks in a
+vocal way of his scalp and pocketbook being saved by his wonderful
+invention of a band. We have a fine burglar-alarm, Pa made it. It's a
+cracker jack, I tell you what. When it is set, woe be to the one who
+tries to rob our house, he won't try only once. A stranger is sure to
+bump into a wire, but they are very small, yet they work wonders; they
+run about the walls and floors so close that no one sees them, but we
+put down the plates under the rugs at each door. When one steps on one
+of them plates it turns on the lights, opens the telephone to the police
+station and in three seconds any burglar would wish himself electrocuted
+for the things that happen before he can say Jack Robinson. If he isn't
+out of the house before three minutes the police get him, and there you
+are. Our gate has a red mark on it, small, but distinct. Pa says it is a
+warning for tramps and burglars to go by and not take the trouble to
+call. No one of that profession has ever called on us but once, and the
+police got them. They got 20 years and it is not time for them to call
+again for 19 years, they won't be out till then. All of that profession
+know that, and they think that the Shaw Mansion is a very nice place to
+let alone, so we surely are blessed. We don't put the silver away at
+night, for we feel sure it will be right where it was left the night
+before, even if that were out on the piazza.--or under the trees. Pa is a
+big man so he can do anything he likes.
+
+We all went fishing out in a catboat and I love that sport. I caught 10
+fish all myself, except Levey Cohen baited my hook and took off the
+fish. I don't like to do that part. Pa got more than I did, and bigger
+ones, too, one weighed 20 pounds--it was a cod. I got small fish, mostly,
+for I didn't think I could handle a big one, so I told the little fishes
+to bite my hook and for all the big ones to go to Pa's side, and they
+did. Ma don't fish, she says she never went but once and that's when she
+caught Pa. She said it was easy to land him and I said, "What bait did
+you use, Ma?" and she said, "I just baited the hook with five million
+dollars." Pa says that's the biggest fish story he ever heard, so does
+Levey Cohen, and Pa says he has been on exhibition ever since, as a good
+catch. Ma says Pa is the only man she ever could love, so I am glad she
+married him. We are all very happy and have such jolly times, all the
+time. It's a picnic for four all the time. When Uncle Smith and Levey
+Cohen is here I have heaps of friends that we see once in awhile, but I
+am too much taken up with my dear Pa to be much away from him. I go
+along with him everywhere I can because he likes to have me so much.
+
+He is calling me now for a drive in my Franklin car, so
+
+                                                                Bye-bye,
+                                                                  ELSIE.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VI
+
+
+Well, little book, it has been some few days since I made you a call. Pa
+and I went over to New York City. We went in Pa's nameless motor, and
+such a trip, I won't forget in a hurry. Pa had the misfortune to kill a
+Jersey cow and had to pay $60 in hard cash for the privilege. Pa said he
+was more sorry for the cow than for the man who owned her. He said the
+cow looked like a good one, while the man looked altogether to the bad.
+When we got to New York City we went to the New Astor House,
+up-town--that's a very decent place to stop at, Pa says. Ma seemed
+pleased with our suite of three rooms and bath. We stayed three days--Ma
+had some shopping to do and Pa and I had some sightseeing to do--so we
+were all busy. Pa and I started to walk up Broadway a little below the
+Herald Building, when we came to a poor, old blind beggar playing a very
+squeaky organ. I gave him some pennies, so did Pa, and asked him how
+business was. The beggar said, "Bad, very bad, haven't taken 10 cents
+all day." I told Pa I would sing if he would grind the organ. I thought
+Pa would choke for a moment, but he concluded he would grind the organ
+while I sang. We moved up a little from the old man and then tuned up. I
+sang "Pickles for Two," and Pa ground out "Sally in Our Alley" on the
+organ. The singing and the playing didn't go on very well together, so I
+told Pa to play and I would dance. Well, that went better. The organ
+piped out, "Coming through the Rye," and I danced the Highland dance;
+some swell guys went by and dropped in several silver pieces and some
+that wasn't so swell did the same. One asked how long I had been in the
+business, and I told him about a half-hour. I had my automobile veil
+over my face so they couldn't see me much. Pa had on a false mustache
+and goggles, so his own mother would not have known him. Well, any way,
+we had the fun of earning eight dollars for the beggar man. Pa said it
+wasn't a good example, but I told him we were commanded in the Good Book
+to help the poor. Pa never objects to do anything when I tell him it's
+in the Good Book. He says he don't know the Book any too well at best
+and is always glad to have me remind him when he does anything it says
+to do. A man tried to steal my purse in New York, but he didn't get it.
+Pa gave him a cut that changed his mind quick. He picked up his feet and
+flew. Pa said that was just the way, help a beggar on one corner and be
+knocked down on the next one. I told Pa, yes, it seemed so, but not to
+mind, as long as the thief didn't get my purse. Pa said all he minded
+was because the policeman didn't arrest him and get his dollar
+commission in court the next morning. I never saw so many pails and
+pitchers in commission as we saw in New York the three days we were
+there. Pa says if all the beer was put together, sold those three days,
+it would cause the Charles River here in Boston to be a Johnstown flood,
+and if all the cigarettes were put in a line that they smoke over there
+in a week they would belt the globe. Pa says beer and cigarettes ought
+to be cut off the map. Pa don't smoke because Ma objects to the odor of
+tobacco, and Pa says a model husband won't make himself a weed to please
+some man. Pa says it will count for more in the end to please one's
+wife--I wouldn't think Pa was half so sweet to kiss if he smoked--Pa is
+such a darling; I wish every little girl had such a nice Pa as mine. Pa
+tells such fine stories; Pa says when he was a little boy he lived with
+his grandma and he went to the edge of the woods to get some berries
+that grew there and he heard a growl and looked up and saw a big black
+bear as big as a horse--he ran like fun for home and told his grandma a
+bear chased him. He looked out of the window and told his grandma the
+bear was coming down the road. Well, grandma looked out and said, "Why,
+my dear boy, that's Green's black dog." Pa says that's all the bear he
+ever was chased by, and I guess it was enough as it nearly scared him to
+death. Pa and I have heaps of fun flying kites. We have had some
+splendid ones and they go up like the wind. Pa fills them with a new
+discovery he has, and they go up like a shot. Pa won't tell what he puts
+in, and no one can find out. We rented a balloon and we went up till I
+thought I could see people on Mars, then we came slowly down to earth
+again--we had a glorious time among the stars, seemed as if they were
+very near, and we could almost touch them. I am fond of everything Pa
+is, I guess, and he has splendid taste.
+
+Well, good-bye, little book, it's time for dinner.
+
+                                                                  ELSIE.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VII
+
+
+Well, I have been having a very remarkable experience, and not only
+myself and Pa, but all the United States as well; the excitement spread
+all over the country. I am going to put this down to tell my
+grandchildren about, for I hope they never will have such a time as we
+all have had for the past few weeks. I went with Pa to do a little
+shopping because my dearest girl friend, Mary Potter, of Brookline, had
+a birthday, and I did, at last, but such a time. I went to the counter
+where diamond rings were displayed and selected a beauty--Pa said he
+could not have picked out a better one for the money himself--and I took
+my purse, opened it to get the $200 to pay for my friend's present, when
+I found my purse empty but for a few small silver pieces. I gasped for
+breath and told Pa. He looked at the purse and declared he knew it was
+clasped tight when he took it from his pocket inside his vest to give
+me, and I knew I placed three hundred in one hundred dollar bills in the
+purse before I started. Pa got the three new bills at my bank that very
+morning, but they were gone, and no sign of how, or when.
+
+Pa said: "Never mind, Elsie, I have some money myself, also I happen to
+have my check-book, so you can have the ring just the same. I don't care
+for the loss of that three hundred dollars so much as the peculiar way
+of its disappearance, but perhaps you left it at home in your room." The
+clerk said I could telephone and ask, which I did. Ma answered the phone
+and looked in my room and asked the servants, but no money was found, or
+had been seen. Well, Pa took out his pocketbook and said I could have
+what bills he had, which was one hundred and fifty dollars, and give a
+check for the other fifty, so while he was talking he was opening his
+pocketbook, and he too started, and gasped for breath, for no bills were
+to be found, nothing but two silver quarters did Pa's pocketbook
+contain, and they were as mum as oysters. Pa said: "Elsie, I don't
+understand this. Child, we have been robbed since we left home, but I am
+at a loss how and when; I am also sure I had one hundred and fifty
+dollars, besides these quarters, in my pocketbook, but they are all that
+is left to tell the tale, and they don't tell it." We both laughed like
+two kids--I felt like crying, and Pa said the cold shivers were playing
+up and down his spine. So he wrote a check for the two hundred dollars
+and I took the ring and we went directly home and told Ma. Poor Ma
+couldn't understand it any more than we did.
+
+Pa went to the police station and reported his loss, also my loss, too.
+The sergeant said it did look queer. However, we looked all over the
+house, but not a sign of the missing bank-notes. Before twelve o'clock
+that day the police were nearly wild, for hundreds had reported losses
+of from five dollars to one thousand in bills, no one had a sign of a
+bill on his person--people seemed to be going mad, for every one would
+swear they had so much money in the morning and some time during the day
+it disappeared like the dew before a hot August sun. The police were at
+work on the case, so were the newspapers.
+
+Hearst's "American" got the real first news; said a man in a big house
+in the suburbs had all the money that had been lost, but not much came
+to light till some days later, for the house had a high stone wall and
+was guarded by big men, who said Mr. Worthington, the author, was busy
+writing a book on his European travels and could not be disturbed, so no
+one was let into the author's house. Mr. Worthington was also a clever
+scientist--although no one knew that except his servants. He was always
+seeking to find some new hidden power he believed to be attraction, that
+was yet unsolved, so he spent his life among his books in study, also
+making experiments and writing when nothing of greater interest came to
+hand. For a few days he had been operating a peculiar machine that in
+appearance looked like a telegraph instrument, with the result that had
+caused all the commotion in town those few days. It seemed he had
+dreamed that a combination of chemicals, used with the peculiar machine,
+would attract money to it on account of the silk in the paper money was
+made of. It would go through everything except a vault; leather was no
+protection at all, and no one could explain it, and when the servants
+waited till ten A. M. on the fifth day, not having seen or heard of the
+author after leaving his food in the dining-room that was eaten always,
+till the dinner the night before--which was the general cause of
+alarm--they pushed in the door. Well, they tried. It would not yield
+much, but it was dark and stuffy, so they got a ladder and went to the
+window. They could see nothing but one solid mass of green, with now and
+then a gleam of yellow. What to do they did not know, so they telephoned
+the police, and they came and saw--what? Why, the poor man actually dead
+in the middle of a room crowded, packed down, with greenbacks, of all
+denominations from one dollar to one thousand dollars. The police said
+there were millions of bills; some of them went crazy looking at it, and
+some wondered how it could have been done. No one had an idea. The
+servants declared that Mr. Worthington had not left his house in ten
+days, and had not left his room except to go to the dining-room for five
+days, but he was in the midst of millions, and it had smothered him to
+death. A man was found who tried to explain how the machine attracted
+that silk in the money. Some believed him, others said he was a fool.
+The money was restored, as far as it could be. Pa and I got ours back
+because we had the first experience, but oh, my! such excitement I never
+heard or witnessed before. People didn't dare carry any greenbacks in
+their purses or pockets for weeks after the whole thing was over. Pa
+said his check-book would be his closest friend for a time; said that
+infernal machine might go off any minute and make another collection,
+and he was going, for one, to be on the safe side. I am glad it couldn't
+attract automobiles, for Pa would have lost his Brass Band and the whole
+business, and my car might have gone, too, then I would have had a good
+cry, for I most surely love my dear old Franklin. She is such a flyer,
+and I have had so much fun touring in that car.
+
+I am glad, however, to be settled down once more to our normal life, and
+I feel much better. I, with many more, have had a horrible nightmare. I
+have related these facts as well as one could expect of a girl fourteen
+years of age; anything one may wish to know more about, my Pa can tell
+them, he's a very learned and wise man, and he says he fully understands
+all about the attraction of the money to that machine--but I am sure I
+don't and Levey Cohen says he don't see any sense in it at all, and so I
+don't feel so awfully alone in not understanding all such high science.
+Pa is way up in science.
+
+I hear Pa calling for his girlie, so
+
+                                                               Good-bye,
+                                                                  ELSIE.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VIII
+
+
+I have been very much interested in a Benefit for the Sufferers of the
+late California Earthquake. It was held in Mechanics Building and twenty
+thousand dollars was raised. It was all done by the young people of
+Boston. We had the Salem Cadet Band as a foundation, and then the
+children gave pretty dances, marches, songs, readings, etc. It was a
+vaudeville and pop concert show all in one and it lasted two days. Such
+gay crowds I never saw. Pa said the ladies were lovelier than ever and
+every one was glad to help, by her presence, and also many brought
+friends who were strangers here. I think that the Salem Cadet Band is a
+peach. Every one enjoyed listening to the band and then they made a
+splendid orchestra for the fancy dancing; so that it all together was a
+fine success. I have jotted down two of the selections given by children
+present. David Westfield, six years of age, gave a wonderful selection
+which I shall put right here; it was called "Esau Buck and the
+Buck-saw." Pa said how a boy six years old could recite a piece so
+complicated was a wonder. He said that David Westfield was a live wire,
+and he should keep track of him to see what end he made. He says he is
+liable to be a big man some day, and something will drop at City Hall if
+he got power there. Now for the selection. David made a low bow to the
+big audience, stood up on the seat of a big automobile that was on the
+stage as one of the props, and began thus: "An old farmer, way out in
+Kansas, whose sons had all grown up and left him, hired a young man by
+the name of Esau Buck to help him on his farm. On the evening of the
+first day they hauled up a load of poles for wood and unloaded them
+between the garden and the barnyard. The next morning the old man said
+to the hired man, 'Esau, I'm going to town this morning, and while I'm
+gone you may saw up the wood and keep the old Buck out of the garden.'
+When the old man was gone, Esau went out to saw the wood, but when he
+saw the saw, he didn't saw it. When Esau saw the saw he saw he couldn't
+saw with that saw, so he didn't saw it. When the old man came home, he
+said, 'Esau, did you saw the wood?' and Esau said, 'I saw the wood but I
+didn't saw it, for when I saw the saw, I saw I couldn't saw with that
+saw, so I didn't saw it.' Then the old man went out to see the saw, and
+when he saw the saw, he saw that Esau couldn't saw with that saw. Now
+when Esau saw that the old man saw that he couldn't saw with that saw,
+he picked up the ax, and chopped up the wood and made a seesaw. The next
+day the old man went to town and bought a new Buck-saw for Esau Buck and
+when he came home he hung the new Buck-saw for Esau Buck on the sawbuck,
+by the seesaw. At this time Esau Buck saw the old Buck eating cabbage in
+the garden, and when driving him from the garden Esau Buck stopped to
+examine the new Buck-saw that hung on the sawbuck, by the seesaw. Now
+when Esau stopped to examine the new Buck-saw that hung on the sawbuck,
+by the seesaw, the old Buck made a dive for Esau, missed Esau, hit the
+seesaw, and knocked the seesaw against Esau Buck, who was getting up
+with the Buck-saw, which hung on the sawbuck, by the seesaw. Now when
+the old man saw the old Buck make a dive for Esau Buck, miss Esau, hit
+the seesaw, and knock Esau over the sawbuck, by the seesaw, he picked up
+the ax to kill the old Buck, but the old Buck saw him coming, dodged the
+blow, knocked the old man on to Esau Buck, who fell on the Buck-saw,
+over the sawbuck by the seesaw. Now, when the old Buck saw Esau Buck
+knock the old man over the sawbuck, by the seesaw, and break the
+Buck-saw and the sawbuck, and the seesaw, he went into the garden and
+ate up the old man's cabbage." You should have heard that crowd cheer
+that kid; he had a big bouquet of daisies. Pa said he ought to have had
+a whole field for that piece of work. I liked one very much that Millie
+Green read, it was called "Naughty Zell." Pa said it was the limit for a
+saucy girl. Pa said it was the best he ever heard, so here it is: "The
+other day, Kep Elbert, that's my beau, was goin' to go fishing on Soap
+Creek, and he said I could go long too, if I would be real good, and not
+scare the fishes, so we got up dest as early. Kep thinks an awful lot of
+me, so he does, he let me dig all the fish worms. I got mamma's
+milking-pail half-full of 'em--it's lots of fun to dig fish worms. I
+heard the old milkman coming and I had to run like everything and put
+the pail back quick, 'cause he might ask Bridget for a pan and then she
+wouldn't let us go fishing. Bridget is awful mean--t'other day she just
+up and slapped me 'cause I put a toad in my grandmother's bed, to see if
+she wouldn't scream like everything when she saw it. I knew it wouldn't
+bite her all the time, so I did, but the man poured the milk in the pail
+all right and I breathed easier again. I had to dig a whole lot more,
+though, before we went. First thing, we had our breakfast, 'cause we'se
+awful hungry, then I put the bait on the hook, and Kepie fished. We had
+to drink water out of Kep's shoe--it didn't have but a teeny, weeny,
+little hole in the toe--'cause I had to leave the pail at home. Kep was
+awful cross, though, he wouldn't let me whisper for an hour--guess it was
+more than two hours. I just had to keep a-biting my tongue, atween my
+teeth, 'cause I wanted to know so awful bad why he didn't catch any. I
+was kind of glad when a snake runned over my bare foot, so I had to
+scream, and then Kep said, 'twas no use a-trying to fish where girls
+was. I guess Kep had a good time, but I don't think I care for fishin'
+much, it's too much like Sunday school for me. My mamma tells me when
+I'm naughty to tell Satan to get behind me, and I did tell him, and he
+pushed me right into the creek. I don't think I'll tell him that no
+more, 'cause I had on my best apron and stockings, and when I got home,
+why, there was a lot of company there, and mam's face got awful red and
+everybody didn't say nothin' for a long time, an' then pretty soon I
+heard an old man say, 'H'm, that young one is a regular torment, she
+needs a rawhide to guide her for awhile;' and I said, 'Oho, ol' man, was
+that you a-talkin'? You had not better get too smart around here, I'll
+fire you out bodily. Who do you think you are talkin' to, anyhow, ha?
+You old crank, you!' You bet I scared him, he never said no more about
+me, you bet you. I don't care, he's dead now, and I am glad. Would you
+believe it, my mother sent me to bed without my dinner. Don't you think
+she did, I don't care, 'cause some day I'm going to die, then she'll
+wish she had been kinder to me when I was just taking my own part, so
+she will--she will too. I never stayed up there neither, I run over to
+Nettie Bell's house, and when I came back, why, the company wasn't gone
+yet, and I said, 'Mamma says city folks is always coming here three
+times to her once, and always staying all night, and the boys have to
+sleep out in the barn,' Then everybody looked funny, and Mrs. Hull said,
+'William, children and fools always speak the truth, let's go home at
+once,' and I says, 'No one wants you here.' Then mamma cried, and papa
+laughed, and big brother Fred got a big stick, but he didn't catch me
+'cause I run awful fast, when I was going to get a licking. I had to run
+outside into the yard and hid under the rose-bushes, close to the
+hammock, until they forgot. That's where Mary and Slicer does their
+sparking, an' they don't 'low us children round there neither, don't you
+think they do, and I knowed I either had to hide under the rose-bush or
+skip, and what do you think I did? I bet you can guess. I hid under the
+rose-bush, so I could take notes, 'cause Kep thinks an awful lot of me,
+and why, if we'd ever get big, why, an' if we'd ever want to spark any,
+and if Kep didn't know how, I'd know, but I couldn't hear what they was
+saying 'cause they never said nothing for a long time, and then pretty
+soon they would be a-talking just as low, and just as low, and then
+pretty soon, Slicer said, 'My Precious Darling! I couldn't in the world
+ever love any one else but you,' and then he gave her a great big kiss,
+and she never said quit that, or nothing, an' I jumped right out and
+said, 'That's a great big fib, 'cause I saw you taking another girl out
+riding on Soap Creek, so I did,' and he said, 'You rattlesnake, where do
+you spect to go for tellin' such great, big fibs, what ain't so,' and I
+said, 'I don't expect to go to no place where you are, you old smart
+crank. I just hate all men and boys except my Dad, and Kep, so I do,
+that's my mind right now, see?' Say, I know something, something good,
+about some one. I ain't going to say who said it, but the one that did
+don't tell lies. 'Twasn't so, though. I was walking t'other day
+down-town when I heard some one talking about me, and I knew if I didn't
+go back I'd never know, so I went back, and some one what knows very
+much said, 'There goes the prettiest and smartest girl in town,' and
+that was me; just 'cause my Dad's rich is no sign I am smart. Why, my
+Dad's got ever so much money, he could just throw it away if he wanted
+to, but he don't want to. This is about the worsest dress I got--'taint
+the very worsest, I guess it's about the best one I got, tho I can have
+better dresses than this if I want 'em, but I don't want 'em, 'cause I
+have got better sense than to want things I can't get. I guess folks
+think 'cause my ma dresses me up so nice that they can get me to speak
+every place, but I don't ever want to speak, 'cause I don't guess they
+want to hear me, all the time. On Kep's birthday he had a great big
+party to his house, and they got Kep to speak first, 'cause I guess they
+wanted to save the best for the last, and pretty soon they didn't ask me
+to speak. I know they wanted to hear me awful bad, but they didn't ask
+me, so pretty soon I said I guessed I'd speak my piece now, and I did. I
+guess everybody thought I spoke it awful good. I didn't hear no one say
+they did, but I guess they did. I'll speak a teeny, weeney little bit of
+what I spoke at Kep's birthday party. I won't speak all of it 'cause I
+guess you don't want to hear all of it. (Bows) I know it but I can't
+think of it--now I know: 'Mary had a little wool,'--no, that isn't
+it--'Mary had a little lamb, its wool was black as dew'--oh, no--'Mary
+fleeced a little lamb,' no (not as bad as that), 'Mary had a little
+lamb, its fleece was wool, and died.' Oh, I don't know what Mary did
+have, boo-hoo." So ended that. Then a boy gave a monologue called,
+"Every Little Bit Helps." It was fine, and was received with much
+applause and laughter.
+
+                         EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS
+
+Did you see that old maid? Holly Gee, isn't she ancient? She belongs to
+a very old family. Just think she is a cousin to Lydia Pinkham, of Lynn,
+Mass., and a sister to Josiah Allen's wife. She's looking for a man, and
+I reckon she will have to look till she gets on two pairs of glasses,
+and we have sunsets in the east. Really she must feel like shooting the
+shoots, when she sees all the summer beaux, in Central Park.
+
+Did you ever go fishing with dried apples for bait? It beats the flies
+all to smithereens. A boat and a bag of dried apples is all you need.
+When you find plenty of fish, just throw in a few handfuls of dried
+apples, and the fish will gobble it up and then the dried apples will
+swell and they will come up to the surface to see the sun set in the
+north, and wink at the stars, and you can pick them as fast as
+strawberries in a cabbage patch.
+
+I went to church last Sunday, and, as they were short of teachers, they
+asked me to take a class of boys. I tried to tell them about Daniel in
+the lion's den, and Alexander, the coppersmith, etc., and then a boy
+began to tell me the biggest lie I ever heard, and I asked him if he
+didn't know it was awfully wicked to tell lies, and he said, "Didn't you
+ever tell a lie?" and I said, "No," and he said, "Great Caesar's ghost!
+Won't you be lonesome, though, when you get up to heaven, with no one
+but George Washington for company?"
+
+I went to a reception the other night, and was introduced to the great
+Prof. Bobs. "So glad to meet you, old chap. They tell me, Prof., you
+have mastered all tongues." "Well, all but my wife's and her mother's."
+
+I met Mr. Dooley on the street the other day and he began to tell me a
+tale of woe, and I said, "Now see here, cheer up, don't make mountains
+out of mole-hills." "Well," said he, "that's all right, but I knew a man
+that made a whole barrel out of a bucket shop."
+
+I went to a school exhibition the other day, and the teacher said, "The
+class in 'spasms' will recite," so John Jones was asked to tell what a
+straight was, and he said, "Just the plain stuff with nothing in it."
+Then the teacher said, "If 32 deg. is freezing-point, what is
+squeezing-point?" and Johnny said, "2 deg. in the shade." Then the teacher
+says, "Johnny, how old are you?" and Johnny says, "I ain't but 12, but
+my pants are marked 16." Then Danny Jones was asked to give the
+positive, comparative, and superlative of "sick." Danny--Sick, worse,
+dead.
+
+Oh, say, Prof., what letter would you say if your mother-in-law fell
+into the ocean? (Prof.) "Well, I don't know." "Why, letter B."
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Pa and Levey said it was a howling success. I had a fine spin in my
+automobile to-day. I go out every day generally with Pa, unless he wants
+to have his band along, then I go by myself. Pa says we'll go to the
+Empire Races later on--I hope so, it's great sport to see a good live
+race between fine-built autos. Makes one feel one's a live wire, to keep
+up. Levey Cohen has a new machine, a Sparklet. It's a new make, but Pa
+says it's the real goods. Ma says Pa always thinks Levey is all right
+and so he is, bless his dear heart. My birthday is soon coming and I
+will have a big celebration. Pa says the district attorneys are looking
+for whiskey within four hundred feet of schoolhouses to get the people
+to think they are doing something. Pa says that's a rummy way to get a
+living. I guess Pa don't think much of that kind of popularity. Levey
+Cohen says a man can find enough that will help the people, and keep
+them busier, and not have such a bad smell as whiskey. I hear politics
+discussed nearly every day at dinner when Levey Cohen dines here, that
+is if it's on the Republican side--Democrats are not allowed to talk in
+our house. Ma, Levey Cohen, and I are good Republicans, so,
+
+                                                             Good night,
+                                                                  ELSIE.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER IX
+
+
+Now, little book, I am going on a trip to Europe and this is my last
+letter till we come back in October. Pa and Levey Cohen have become
+personally interested in the queerest boy I ever saw. He is fourteen
+years of age, and a newsboy, from New York City, and Coney Island. He
+has bright gleaming red hair, large brown eyes, more freckles than Dr.
+Woodbridge could ever count, and two front teeth knocked down his throat
+in a fight in which he says, for once, he got licked by a Chink, which
+hurts his feelings more than the lickin'. Pa got him a new suit and a
+hair cut. You couldn't tell where his hair began and his face left off.
+Pa says, like good whiskey, he will improve with age, and I should hope
+he might. Up to now he has slept in barrels and boxes mostly and never
+had a human being kind to him in his life. He's got a common yellow dog
+named Teddy--he said he wouldn't come unless Pa adopted Teddy, the dog,
+and Pa said there was room for the dog, so when "Jimmy Jones" got that
+letter he wired back to Pa saying: "Dear Sir: Your offer accepted,
+quicker than instantly. I telegraph you my answer, but I expect to get
+there before the telegram does." He told the telegraph man to collect on
+the other end, that was the end the money pot was, and he sent the
+message, also the bill. Pa said he had great hopes of "Jimmy," after he
+got that telegram. "Jimmy Jones" boards with our gardener, and Pa had a
+nice room fitted up for him, and when it was shown him he looked at the
+bed all made up nice, and white, and said: "Hully gee! what's that? a
+dining-table! Gosh, but ain't it grand?" When told it was a bed he said,
+"Gosh, I couldn't get on to that, I would soil the top right off." Pa
+told him after he had a bath and was scrubbed off--which he didn't like
+at all--he was left to his first night's rest in a bed that he could
+remember. He told Pa the next day that he could sleep a hundred years
+and never want to wake up to the bad world in that bed. He said he
+wondered why people wanted to go home, but now he said it was clear to
+his mind that they wanted to just sleep in a nice comfortable bed. He
+told every policeman he met to come and rest their lamps on his bed,
+said it was good for sore eyes, etc. Pa took Jimmy to Dr. Atwood on
+Boylston Street to have two teeth put in on a bridge. Jimmy didn't like
+the process, but he stood it fine; the gardener says he's a brave boy.
+Anyway, he looks better with the teeth in. Before he looked for all the
+world like that yellow kid boy I saw when I was a very little girl, that
+was before Buster Brown appeared in the Sunday papers. Pa says he will
+let Jimmy learn to drive his automobile--thinks he can learn in time, all
+but his slang. I never heard such a string of slang in all my life. The
+other day he was telling the gardener about his summer at Coney Island;
+I heard a part of what he said: "Yes, Coney Island is de place where all
+de swells go to dat tink they are swells. Hully gee! all that is swell
+about them is their heads. They are, all told, a rummy lot. Lots of
+times they steal a paper or a shoe shine. Yes, I blacked the President's
+boots for him. Naw, not the President of the United States of freedom,
+but dis was a President of a peanut trust, he gave me Mary a handful of
+his hot peanuts and I don't forget it, you bet your best hat. I have
+sold papers to the elete of New York. I can lick any kid on the Row. The
+policemen never tells me to move on, now, they know I'm de real ting,
+see? and a live wire. They don't let on they see me, half of de time,
+'cause I know a lot of de monkey shines going on and dey let me alone. I
+gits along wid de push all right. I stand up for all de newsboys, 'cause
+dey will be all men some day, and may even own a automobile. My! but dey
+are de live ting, don't dey hum and kick up de dust, though. I sold
+papers for de sufferers of de Cal earthquake, and I got a heap of money.
+It would do your old lamps good to have seen de pile I took in. I got
+ever so much money--too much to count. I never seed so much all to once
+in my whole life. I most wish I had been killed in an earthquake, bad as
+it was, and got a handful of dat dough. I never kept a cent for myself,
+no sirree, I'm honest if I am only 'Jimmy' de newsboy. Dey all knows me
+in New York. I have found good friends here, just tink, I am going to
+school at night and git learning, so I can do tings and propel a
+automobile. Hully gee! you bet your last year's top hat I'll sit up
+straight and go like de dickens, no snale creeping for mine. I tink I
+will be a good driver for that kind of a water wagern. De Governor has a
+brass band on his wagern and dat takes my blinkers and thinkers, most
+awfully much. Hully gee! but the natives of this town will stare when
+dey sees 'Jimmy' go out for a spin up Tremont Street--dat's de toney
+street of Boston, ain't it, Cap? Oh, ye don't tell me it's Commonwealth
+Avenue, dat is de swellest, is it? Well, I've heard of Tremont Street
+and the Old Howard Theatre and of Austin and Stone's and that's all I
+know of Boston. I don't read de papers much, you see, 'cause I'se too
+busy selling 'em, but now I am here and going to become a natural sized
+sitizen of dis United States of Boston America, why, cos I has to git on
+to de place wid both feet. Now don't scowl and find fault wid me talk,
+for I let you say what ye like and I'll do the same, unless de cops git
+on to me game and shut out me lights. I don't tink I will ever want to
+vote, 'cause ye have to wait till yers are twenty-one and dat's too
+long. I can't git old but a year at a leap, and any furreigner can be
+natural and made a American sitizen here just before each election and
+vote. Some of dem get to be new natural Americans every voting time, so
+I will stick to de automobile and de papers, for my daily grub. Well,
+course, if de Governor says I am to keep shut up tight when I am on de
+box all right, I can. I can tink and say so to myself, quiet, so no one
+will hear me express myself only in silence. Well, good-bye, I am goin'
+to try on me new suit the Governor sent me. I will be a real Tremont
+Street swell sure's yer live."
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Well, now Jimmy has disappeared and I will just note that I am perfectly
+shocked at his way of talking, but Pa and Levey Cohen both says he is a
+diamond in the rough, and I do hope they can polish off some of the
+rough corners soon. Pa has always wanted to take just such a character
+and tame him. Now he has got the raw material and I shall be waiting
+anxiously to see what comes up next. Uncle Smith is coming soon and I
+expect when he sees the boy Jimmy--well, Uncle Smith will say words I
+won't write. I can hear that Jimmy talking yet with the gardener, that
+is, Jimmy is talking and the gardener just listening. I will put down
+what I can hear: "Say, Harvard College is a swell place I guess. I have
+read in de papers dis mornin' dat dey want twenty million dollars to
+make de place solid. Gee whiz! what do dey do wid all de money dey gets?
+I know a lot of dem Harvard fellows; in New York dey always gives a
+fellow a few extra pennies and dinner, on holidays. I likes dem Harvard
+fellows 'cause dey has got a generous vein in der hand. Guess dey are
+taught to be generous to us kids in college, dat's why dey need so much
+money to carry dem along. Say, wouldn't you like to get your lamps on
+twenty million dollars all in one bunch? Don't it make ye faint to think
+of it? Gives me a hungry pain in de left side of me liver. Say, Mr.
+Gardner, dat waking suit of yourn (scuse me for saying so) in New York
+would be called loud enough for a talking machine reckord. Say, I'se got
+a best girl, I has. She's a cracker jack; she's got the beautifullest
+hair yer ever saw. It's a high-toned shade; they call it ashes and
+roses, but I don't see why, but they do. Her eyes are violet, oh, so
+find. Hully gee! but they snap when she gits mad. She boxed my ears one
+day 'cause I tried to kiss her. She got awful mad and threw a wash-tub
+at my head, but I dodged it and it went plunk into a big policeman who
+was stooping down to look into a barroom window. Peg said it served him
+right for snooping, but she run like anything and so did I, and when de
+policeman got up we war way off. He took de wash-tub wid him, but no one
+saw any one fire it, so it was never reclaimed. Peg said the tub cost a
+dollar and twenty-five cents and if she claimed it, why, she was likely
+to get pinched, and get thirty days, so she said the policeman was
+welcome to de tub; said she bet a button de next time dat policeman
+stooped down to look at anything he would hire a man to watch behind
+him. Oh, I tell you what, de papers are all de time having excitement.
+Why don't all de people go to Sunday school and be good? If dey would de
+papers would be put out of biz. Dey are watching all de time for de man
+or womans dat do wicked. All de good ones are never spoken of except
+when dey die, and den only a few lines way back in de paper in small
+print, but let a man give a lot of money like some fellows rocks I heard
+of, and dey will put de heading in capital letters, a little bigger den
+de common readin', den you notice dat de oil we use to feed our lamps on
+goes up, perhaps only a quarter of a cent, but if you can get a few
+billion quarter of cents together all to once it would buy a good many
+turkeys for Thanksgiving. Say, mister, Christmas and Thanksgiving are de
+only two days in de year I can git full. Naw, I don't mean full of
+liquor. (I never drink anyting but milk and cold water.) I mean get full
+of grub, wid all de good tings de rich people has. Wouldn't I like to be
+rich? No, I don't tink money is all dare is, but it is a whole lot to
+fill in wid. A pocket full of greenbacks would make me feel better than
+a pocket full of emptiness with a big appetite. Say, mister, I can sing
+and dance to beat the cars. I singed 'De Pride of Newspaper Row,' last
+winter in New York and I got an applecore to sing another verse. Ought
+to be encore? They said I did fine. Say, mister, if you saw an
+automobile coming down the street at sixty miles an hour and a deaf man
+crossing the street, what's the answer? Not yet, but soon! Did you hear
+about the new Irishman over to East Boston last week? Well, Mike
+McCarthy told me about it. He said he and Pat Murphy was working on Mr.
+Smith's house, the one that married Mary Jones, of Salem, and Pat was
+working on the roof when all of a sudden the staging broke and Pat
+slipped and slid, till at the very edge he caught on to the tin gutter
+and hung in the air, six stories from the ground. Mike and the other
+yelled to Pat to hold on till they got something to catch him in. In a
+couple of minutes they had a big canvas sheet by the corners and told
+Pat to drop into the canvas, and Pat cried: 'How in the devil can I let
+go when it's all I can do to hold on?' Oh, did yer hear the one about
+Pat and the ants? Well, Pat, after eating his lunch, lay down under a
+tree to get forty winks before the whistle for one o'clock blew and he
+layed on top of an ants' nest, which he didn't dream of, but pretty soon
+the whole ant family came out to see what kind of a lobster was in their
+yard, so they crawled all over Pat and bit him to see if he was good
+eating, etc., and pretty soon Pat brushed them off and went to sleep
+again as best he could. They all came for another look at Pat, and he
+brushed them all off again, till bime by a big spider dropped on Pat's
+bald head and bit him good. That was enough for Pat. He got up and said:
+'Now, then, all of yers get off.' Did you hear about Mr. Burbank's
+Jersey cow? Well, a vishus dog bit off her tail so she looked so funny
+that Burbank concluded to fat her and sell her for beef, so in four
+months she was in prime order and he took her to the stock yard to sell
+her, but when the man saw her he said, 'Mr. Burbank, we don't retail any
+cows here.' Oh, did you hear the description of Noah's wife? Well, the
+minister read that Noah took unto himself a wife; her hight was three
+hundred cubits, her breadth fifty cubits, made of Gopher wood, pitched
+within and without with pitch. He looked rather surprised as he read on,
+then paused, and in a solemn voice said, ''Tis true, we are fearfully
+and wonderfully made.' (Some bad boys had pasted the leaves together,
+hence the good old man's surprise.) Oh, say, mister, I know a real funny
+piece about balls. Ever hear it? Well, here it is. I went to the
+newsboys' ball in New York last spring given by Mr. Frank Ball, of
+Chicago. I know of several kinds, for instance, there are snow balls,
+foot balls, rubber balls, rifle balls, base balls, cartridge balls,
+cannon balls, basket balls, croquet balls, Ping Pong balls, pool balls,
+fish balls, billiard balls, tennis balls, bowling balls, camphor balls,
+and some policeman bawls, and if you miss hearing me bawl you will want
+to eat some raw dough balls to make you remember to go to our ball next
+year, sir."
+
+Good night, I'm twenty-three for bed.
+
+                                                                  ELSIE.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER X
+
+
+Now, little book, I am feeling a little too proud, I expect, for Pa is
+going to take us all over to London in his new air-ship. It's called the
+Margaret, and she looks like a couple of large cigars tied together. Pa
+made a scientific combination of steel and aluminum, which, with some
+secret liquid added, makes the lightest and strongest metal ever
+produced. The whole ship, with all its apparatus for a trip across the
+ocean, only weighs one thousand pounds and will carry six hundred
+pounds. We will start at nine o'clock Monday, and we expect to be in
+London by Wednesday eve, at ten P. M., so I will stop for a little till
+we are on board. I will write on board if we don't rock too much. I hope
+we don't go to the bottom of the sea, that's all. We are to have a
+wireless telegraph to let the people know how we get on. No one knows
+when we are to start, or where, because it got into the papers that the
+trip was to be made, and many would gather to see us start, but Pa says
+no, he wants to be far away before any one knows it, and I guess it is
+better so, too. Pa is calling, so I must run to see what he wishes.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+4 P. M., Tuesday. My goodness, we are skimming over the top of the ocean
+like a large white bird. My, but this is the most beautiful trip I ever
+had. We are sailing about two hundred feet up above the water, Pa
+thinks; he hasn't asked the captain to be sure, but it is glorious. We
+have passed several steamers and they saluted with all their power. We
+waved the Stars and Stripes to them in reply, and sent a message that we
+were going fine, and without any hitching. We have heard from Boston and
+will soon have a message from the King. A big reception is to be given
+to us, but I dread that, for our luggage had to go over by steamer, and
+although it was sent a week ahead, if it don't arrive when we do I guess
+we won't be much to be seen. My, how grand the sun is, and the moon and
+stars, when you are up above the earth some ways. The ocean is a dream
+of delight to look upon. Pa planned to come when the moon was full so we
+could see all the wonderful beauty of sea and sky. No tongue or pen
+could ever fully describe this journey. We have sailed along as smooth
+as any one could wish. Ma is delighted. She said she was just frightened
+to death, but felt it her duty to come if Pa went to kill himself, and
+Levey Cohen and I--that she Couldn't live without us, so she was willing
+to die too. I don't think she is bothering much about dying by the way
+she is laughing with Levey Cohen. I have to write now or when we land I
+would forget half of the fun we are having. Pa says a big crowd is
+waiting to meet us in London. I wonder where Pa will keep this machine
+when we get to London, probably it will be kept on the top of some
+automobile garage. Pa don't say; I bet he don't have any idea where it
+will be kept. We seem to be attracting a great deal of attention. Why, I
+don't think this is such a wonderful thing because Pa did it. Pa is a
+wonderful man, but when you live with such a wonderful man I guess you
+forget a good deal about the wonderful part till you hear other people
+say so. We don't eat as much up here as when we are on earth, because we
+are nearer heaven, and are looking up and thinking of higher things than
+material eating. My, how fast we go, the clouds fly by and we go right
+through them like everything. They seem to fly like the trees and fields
+in an automobile race. I don't care if we don't ever stop, or come down.
+I could go on forever like this. Jimmy went over in the steamer with the
+luggage. Pa says we will land now in a few hours. Pa had a band made by
+phonographs, so we have had music, and Ma brought the pol parrot. He has
+heard Jimmy talk and to-day he has shouted several times what Jimmy said
+when his steamer went out. "Hully gee, don't git drownded." I don't
+think we will, but it would be an awful drop if we did bust up; however,
+I don't feel afraid now any more. Huray! we can see London. Pa says it's
+a fine sight. The stars bright and the moon like a big golden ball in
+the sky, and all London lighted up. They have sighted our ship, for I
+can hear their bells ringing.
+
+Well, we are on the good earth once more. We had a fine greeting and
+this afternoon we will look over London a bit. We are to be presented at
+Court, and I don't know what all. I have seen the Shontworths. They are
+still here and made much of. We have our trunks and now we can go out
+and look and feel well groomed. Jimmy was so glad to see us safe and
+sound he forgot to use slang for once. Pa and Levey was pleased enough,
+but it didn't last, for soon he got into a fight with a London newsboy
+and it took a policeman to separate them. Jimmy told the English newsboy
+that "America was de onliest place fit to live in on earth," and
+naturally the English boy resented it, so it was a free fight to settle
+the matter. As the policeman dragged those boys apart Jimmy screamed to
+the top of his voice, "America ahead, by thunder!" Pa made Jimmy promise
+to be good else he would send him back on the next ship. I guess he
+will; he felt cheap to think he was caught in a street fight, as soon as
+he landed, nearly. Jimmy means all right, but he has a queer way of
+showing it, his fists seem to be his most familiar mode of expressing
+internal feelings.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Well, I have been presented to a real live King and Queen. It was rather
+a trying thing, after all, so different from home, but we liked it, as
+it's the fashion. We have been invited to several affairs and Pa
+delivered a talk before the King and Queen and the Royal House about his
+air ship. To-morrow he is to take the King and Queen out for a short
+sail. It seems strange, to talk about sailing through the air, but it is
+so, and I reckon air ships will become somewhat popular; but Pa says
+most people will rather dangle their feet in the water in a boat than
+take chances in sailing in an air ship. It is majestic to sail through
+the air like a big bird, I think.
+
+                   *       *       *       *       *
+
+Well, here we are in Spain and we have been presented to Spain's King
+and Queen. Pa won't display his air ship here. We are to stay only ten
+days, then return back to London for our homeward trip. We shall stay in
+Liverpool some weeks, I expect, as Pa has a cousin there who is crazy
+about air ships, so Pa will stay with them and I expect he and Pa will
+plan another wonder.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XI
+
+
+Well, dear little book, nine busy and happy months have passed since I
+have been able to find you. I have lots more stories to put down when I
+get time, but I will only record the one that seems to me most wonderful
+to-day. Pa has had the most wonderful success with his air ship, but I
+somehow cling pretty strongly to earth and my dear old darling Franklin
+car. She's a beauty and just as fine as ever, and I like her better
+every day. She is like a dear friend, the more you know their beautiful
+traits of character the more you love them, and that's the way with my
+Franklin--a royal friend, proved solid, true and loyal--what more could
+one ask of an automobile. Pa says Jimmy is getting on fine in his
+studies. He is learning to be a valued boy for Pa, and his nameless
+wonder. The only trouble with Jimmy is that he wants the band going all
+the time, and he to dance. Pa asked him how he expected to dance and
+motor both at the same time, but he will; he will dance and hop and keep
+his hands on the wheel. It's a funny sight.
+
+Well, what I started out to say was that "Jimmy Jones" has a newspaper
+record. His picture was in the paper and he got dozens of them and had
+them all pinned up all over our private garage last Sunday week. We had
+an awful, awful thunder-storm and Jimmy was in the garage with Teddy,
+the yellow dog. Well, all of a sudden an awful flash of lightning came
+and the thunder was so loud that we were all most stunned. Jimmy
+declared it clean knocked him off his pins. A few seconds after the
+flash and thunder was over Jimmy noticed a ball the size of a large
+orange and about the same color, bobbing against the window pane, like a
+grampa longlegs in summer. Jimmy said it crackled and sputtered like
+anything, as it bobbed against the pane, like a rubber ball. When he
+opened the window the ball bounced into the room and floated about the
+room like a balloon. Jimmy grabbed the broom used to sweep the garage,
+and struck at it. He hit it several times, but it would bound off again,
+but at last the blow went home and the ball busted, and hundreds of the
+most beautiful stones I ever saw fell on the floor. Jimmy ran for Pa and
+we all went out to see the wonder--which was a wonder. A note was found
+written in French, saying the Ball and Jewels were from the Planet
+Jupiter; that the people were men very like us, only they were all
+golden blonds, both men and women, and that they all spoke the French
+language; that they had had automobiles and air ships for over five
+thousand years, and that their best speeder was the Franklin touring
+car; said the roads were smooth and level, and that they were just
+natural; that they had been watching this world for a long time, and
+said we were getting on; said Jupiter had many more men than women, and
+would like to send some of them here, perhaps they could in 2906, also
+that precious stones were as thick on Jupiter as fleas are here in
+haying-time; that the ball of jewels sent was shot out of a lightning
+cannon, which they hoped would shoot far enough to reach this earth;
+said if it wasn't back in six months, they would know some one got it;
+said the jewels were the finest, but not so expensive there as here,
+because there they are very plentiful; said the "Man from Now" once
+lived in Jupiter and they kicked him out, that's how he was showing
+around Boston; said there was a man who spent heaps of Jupiter Globe
+funds and declared he was a brother to Fitzgerald here; said automobiles
+don't kill the people in Jupiter because they can all fly, and get out
+of the way; said they would make it very homelike for any Boston
+schoolmarms that want husbands; said there were no rum-shops up there
+(some people of Boston would have to get a new job that are saloon
+hunters); that the Golden Rule was all the religion they needed, and was
+signed "Weston Franklin," the maker of the noted Franklin Automobile.
+
+When Jimmy was telling the gardener about it he said, "Hully gee, how am
+I to let dose guys know I got de rocks, de Governor says dey are worth a
+big pile of dough here and he will sell them and invest de money and I
+will have to study hard and be a man. Golly, does he tink I am a cow? I
+don't care. I wouldn't know what to do with de money, so de Governor
+might des as well keep it for me. I will go up to Jubator myself some
+day when dey gits de air ships going safe. I didn't ever expect to see
+de one dat went ober across de pond, a few months ago, but it came down
+safe and all on board. Yes, I'm getting along fine on de automobile. I
+can run it all right but I can't keep me feet still when I hear dat band
+of de Governor's, though. Say, dat's a peach you bet yer boots. It's a
+hummer. I reckon de Franklin car is de best on de street. Now dey has it
+on de planet Jubator all de swells will have one here; it will be more
+de rage dan ever before. Miss Elsie, she says she always felt it was de
+best one, and she knows what's good. Yes, I will turn in now. Good
+night."
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XII
+
+
+"Jimmy" has been relating more of his troubles to the gardener. Last
+night it was so unusual that I will record it, as he seems to be a part
+of our life in a way. Pa and Levey Cohen say he is naturally a good
+foundation to build on--and they must know. "Say, Mr. Gardner, what you
+tink, de boys are calling me Mr. Jones, since de Governor sold dem rocks
+and got fifty thousand dollars for de lump, and I have had my picture in
+de Boston 'American.' Say Hearst is a pretty good man; he would be all
+right if he was a Republican, but Dick says he's on de wrong side of de
+pump in politics. Anyway he treated me white--made a very decent picture
+of me. It looks a sight better any day, than I does, Peg says, and she
+has good eyes, she has. Well, as I was saying, fancy me being called Mr.
+Jones. Hully gee, it made me sick to me stomach. I wonder if de push
+tinks I am going to swell up and bust 'cause I've got a few dollars now?
+I ain't seen it, de Governor says I'se got it, all right, but I don't
+feel no different than I did before, except I have de faith dat if I
+gets a college ice once a week I won't miss de five cents when I needs a
+pair of shoes, or a handkerchief. Say, mister, I notices some charge ten
+cents for dem college ices. I had one what cost ten cents de other week
+and 'tween you and me I couldn't see a might of difference in de two,
+except de price. Dick says I'm like de Irishman. Said all de taste I had
+was in me mouth. I've got on fine at de night school--de teachers say I
+must drop my slang, but, hully gee! I don't use any slang, much. I told
+de Professor to go oil his lamps, and he got mad and kept me after
+school. I be hanged if I notice that I use much slang. Wouldn't it bust
+de buttons off your vest how perticular some folks be? Hully gee! I
+don't want to be mean, nor nothing, but I must have time to git my own
+lamps trimmed, 'cause I'se always had to bump up against it hard, ever
+since I was born. I would like awful well if I could run up on de silver
+rays of de moon to dat planet Jubator; it must be a fine place up dare.
+Just tink, no rivers, and seas, to git drownded in, just deep wells,
+thick as peas in a pod, but no boats, or ships. Hully gee! only land,
+land everywhere. I would feel lonesome without de oder of de Charles
+River here. Sometimes it smells pretty bad, but I could even stand that
+than no smell at all. Oh, I want to tell yer before I forgit it. I went
+out in de country last night with Dick, to see his granny what lives out
+to Salem Willows. Well, they have a little patch of land there behind
+the house and Dick's granny keeps a few hens, and she had some nice
+custards in old cups and we had a feast, let me tell you. Dick's granny
+keeps a goat, and a male sheep with big horns. He's an awful ugly cuss,
+and we saw ample proof of his ugliness. Dick went out to feed him and he
+broke his chain and came for Dick lickety slap bang and bunted Dick all
+over the yard. He tried to get up, but every time he moved the old he
+sheep would draw back and knock him down. He kept him there for more
+than an hour, I guess. Last his granny missed him and went to the door
+and Dick yelled for me to come out and drive the old he sheep off. I got
+the poker and went for Mr. Sheep. I gave him a good clip over his nose
+and he didn't feel like bunting any more; then I turned to Dick and
+said, 'Button, button, who got the button?' and Dick said, 'Well, if you
+had been here when I first came out you would have seen plain enough who
+it was.' Then we came back home and Dick says he's no friend to that he
+sheep any more. I don't blame him at all. That he sheep ought to have
+had more sense, but he didn't. Dat he sheep seemed to have a heap of
+respect for me after I gave him a rap over his nose. I reckon he would
+have called me Mr. Jones, if he could talk, with the accent on the Mr.
+
+"The Governor told me if I wanted to get ahead I must get the bulldog
+grip. I told him I never seed one, and he said, 'Jimmy, didn't you ever
+see an old maid in the country set the bulldog on a tramp and see with
+what a grip the dog held on to the seat of the tramp's trousers as he
+tried to get over the fence?' I said I had, and he said that was what a
+bulldog grip means. Just get a strong, good hold and hang on. He said
+the Mason's grip wasn't so strong; said I ought to see a Mason ride the
+lodge goat. He said it was more fun to see the other fellow do it than
+to ride yourself."
+
+We are planning for the Automobile Magazine Cup race. The cup is a
+stunner; it cost five thousand dollars, the most unique cup ever offered
+for a race. Pa says I can enter my Franklin Flyer as I am set on it so
+much. Levey Cohen says I'll win, so does Jimmy. I hope I do, then folks
+would have to say a girl can do some things, too, as well as boys and
+men.
+
+Oct. 15, 1907. Say, but I am excited, for I have won the race. Fifteen
+hundred miles with not one bad mark--a perfect score for a kid is rather
+good, I think. I feel more pleased than I can tell. They had a plate
+made with brilliants that spelled "Franklin, Model G," and put on to the
+space left for the name in the cup. It's a dandy, let me tell you that.
+Jimmy Jones yelled himself sick shouting for the Franklin at the end of
+the tournament when the trophy was awarded. He said it took a live fish
+to go up stream and the Franklin car was it. I never saw a boy so crazy
+before. He said he would like to see the maker of the Franklin car
+President of the United States, but I told him I guessed he would rather
+turn out fast cars than to be president of anything but his own company.
+There's only one President ever got rich while sitting in the
+Presidential chair and he ought to have been in better business, Pa
+says. Jimmy says we have a bully President now, and I guess that's
+right, anyway, Pa and Levey Cohen say so, and they know. Jimmy was
+telling our gardener more yarns and I will write what I can hear: "Say,
+mister, wouldn't de new style of trousers put a feller on de bum,
+though? I never seed such big wide trousers. Be gosh, I believe dey are
+trying to git skirts on to de men. When I put me new suit on de Governor
+got me last week, I thought it looked mighty queer, yet I never gave it
+much thought till Peg got her peepers on them. She jest hollowed and she
+says, 'Git on to de dude, trying to be a womens; almost petticoats,'
+says she, 'not yet but soon. See de crease warble when ye walks. Hully
+gee! Jimmy, if yese can walk and keep dat crease straight de cops will
+pull yese in for talking too much boose. Ye will walk like a streak of
+greased lightning to keep up wid ye pants, bet ye life, it will be more
+work for ye than for a womens to keep her hat on straight, see?' Well, I
+did see, and I asked de Governor to send dem to de dressmakers and git
+de seam took in, but de Governor said, 'Jimmy, dat's de style,' but I
+says, 'Scuse me, sir, but I want me pants to look like they were cut for
+me and not for John L. Sullivan.' Peg says all de swell guys look like a
+pole wid de cloth draped on to cover up dar slimness. Now what I want to
+know is what de fat man can do wid all dat extra cloth around his pegs.
+He will look like he was sent for and didn't come at all. De tailor what
+made dat style must have been down East somewhere, perhaps down to
+Wonderland or Lynn, and got too many drinks, so he thought everyting
+went, even to de cloth for de trousers. I don't know whether he gits his
+money by de week or per. Oh, I saw dat fine actor, Mr. Edmund Breese, in
+de 'Lion and de Mouse.' Say, dat Breese man is a peach. He is mighty
+good actor, mister. I wish you would go and see him. Peg says she wishes
+I could make love like he can on de stage. She says she saw him at de
+Castle Square, Boston, and he was de handsomest lover on de stage--so de
+papers said, but you see I ain't it for polished manners. De Governor
+says I've got to watch out all de time so not to git throwed down. I am
+doing the best I can to stand on both me pins at once, but it must be
+mighty find to be really born a gentleman like Mr. Breese. He bought a
+paper of me several times when he was at de Park Theatre and he's a good
+sort, all right. Got lots of good sense in his head, and he's popular.
+Oh, I say, mister, did you ever hear one of them vaudeville fellows what
+talks down in his boots and then yer think somebody's under the stage,
+or in a trunk, or something awful. I mean one of them ventriloquists.
+Well, mister, I have seen 'em all from Dan Harrington to dat English
+chap what dey call Charlie Prince, but dey can't any of dem fellows hold
+a candle to Harry Kane. Kane he styles hisself on de bill at de theatre.
+He does de best act wid dem dummies I ever seed. Peg says all de others
+are dead slow, but Kane makes his Irishman mighty mad at de nigger boy
+he has. Dat Irish doll boy nearly gits alive, really, mister, he is so
+mad at being near a nigger. Gosh, I never seed such a fight as dey gits
+into. Makes ye wish you could go right down on de stage and give dat
+black nigger a big punch in de eye, so if ye wants to see a good A1
+ventriloquist see Kane. Say, you will miss me gab 'cause de Governor has
+given me three weeks' vacation. Me salary goes on just the same. I feel
+like a bank clerk or a cashier of a swell bank. So long, now, till
+Christmas, which is not yet, but soon."
+
+I reckon I'll say good night, too, little book, for my eyes are heavy
+with sleep.
+
+                                                                  ELSIE.
+
+                                THE END.
+
+
+
+
+                              TESTIMONIAL
+
+I am a pupil of the International Correspondence School of Scranton,
+Pa., in Complete Advertising, and am very much pleased with their course
+of instruction. It is plain, thorough, and meets every need of the
+student. I am sure it's the "Open Sesame" to a successful business life
+if one is in earnest and willing to study. Study is the only password to
+success. This school is a mighty ally with one when willing to work to
+reach the very top of the tree of knowledge, and have a part in the
+world of successful men and women. The prizes in life are only for those
+that work for them, and I am heartily in the race, and advise earnestly
+any one wishing to gain knowledge and position, to come with us. Your
+highest ambition can be attained if you will only work, and the teachers
+of this school will show you how and aid you in your desire to better
+yourself, and the world, by your work.
+
+                                          A grateful student,
+                                               ETHELLYN GARDNER,
+                              Author of "The Letters of the Motor Girl."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Letters of the Motor Girl, by Ethellyn Gardner
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