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diff --git a/36280-h/36280-h.htm b/36280-h/36280-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..81a1374 --- /dev/null +++ b/36280-h/36280-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2849 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" > +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> + <meta content="Letters of the Motor Girl" name="DC.Title"/> + <meta content="Ethellyn Gardner" name="DC.Creator"/> + <meta content="en" name="DC.Language"/> + <meta content="1906" name="DC.Created"/> + <meta name="generator" content="ppgen (1.09) generated May 29, 2011 07:20 PM" /> + <title>Letters of the Motor Girl</title> + <style type="text/css"> + body {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%;} + p {margin-top:1ex; margin-bottom:0; text-align:justify;} + div.center p {margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto; text-align:center;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size:x-small; text-align:right; text-indent:0; + position:absolute; right:2%; padding:1px 3px; font-style:normal; + font-variant:normal; font-weight:normal; text-decoration:none; + background-color:inherit; border:1px solid #eee;} + .pncolor {color:silver;} + h1 {text-align:center; font-weight:normal;} + h2 {text-align:left; font-weight:normal;} + h1 {font-size:1.4em; margin-top:4em; margin-bottom:2em;} + h2 {font-size:1.2em; margin-top:4em; margin-bottom:2em;} + hr.pb {margin:30px 0; width:100%; border:none; border-top:thin dashed silver; clear:both;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto; text-align:center;} + .larger {font-size:larger;} + .smaller {font-size:smaller;} + .caption {font-size: 80%;} + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + div.center p {margin: 0 auto; text-align:center;} + .larger {font-size: larger;} + hr.tb {border:none; border-bottom: 1px solid black; margin: 20px auto; width:35%} + .mt20 {margin-top: 20px;} + .smaller {font-size: smaller;} + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Letters of the Motor Girl, by Ethellyn Gardner + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Letters of the Motor Girl + +Author: Ethellyn Gardner + +Release Date: May 30, 2011 [EBook #36280] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LETTERS OF THE MOTOR GIRL *** + + + + +Produced by Roger Frank + + + + + +</pre> + +<div class='figcenter' style='padding-top: 1em; padding-bottom: 1em'> +<a name='i001' id='i001'></a> +<img src='images/illus-fpc.jpg' alt='' title=''/><br /> +</div> +<p> + <br /> + <br /> + <br /> +</p> +<p> + <br /> + <br /> + <br /> +</p> +<div class='center'> +<p><span style='font-size:1.4em;font-weight:bold;'>LETTERS OF THE MOTOR GIRL</span></p> +<p> </p> +<p>BY</p> +<p> </p> +<p><span style='font-size:larger;'>ETHELLYN GARDNER</span></p> +<p> </p> +<p>BRILLIANT, THRILLING, STARTLING</p> +<p> </p> +<p>The breeziest bunch of letters ever published</p> +</div> +<div class='figcenter' style='padding-top: 1em; padding-bottom: 1em'> +<a name='i002' id='i002'></a> +<img src='images/illus-emb.png' alt='' title=''/><br /> +</div> +<div class='center'> +<p><span style='font-size:smaller;'>Distributed to the trade by</span></p> +<p>The New England News Co.</p> +<p><span style='font-size:smaller;'>14 to 20 Franklin Street</span></p> +<p><span style='font-size:smaller;'>Boston, Mass.</span></p> +</div> +<p> + <br /> + <br /> + <br /> +</p> +<div class='center'> +<p><b>Letters of the Motor Girl</b></p> +<p>BY</p> +<p>Ethellyn Gardner</p> +<p> </p> +<p><i>Copyright, 1906</i></p> +<p>By Ethellyn Gardner</p> +<p> </p> +<p><b>Colonial Press</b></p> +<p><i>C. H. Simonds & Co.</i></p> +<p><i>Boston, U. S. A.</i></p> +</div> +<h1><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_1'></a>1</span>LETTERS OF THE MOTOR GIRL</h1> +<h2><a name='letter1' id='letter1'></a>LETTER I</h2> +<p> +I am fourteen years old to-day, June 17th, +1905. Pa said he hoped I would live to be at +least one hundred, because my Aunt Annie +wanted me to be a boy, so she could name me +Jack; she had a beau by that name and then +married him, and he married some one else, +so had two wives at once, and got put in +jail. Pa says he’s a live wire. I have seen +his picture, but I thought he looked too stupid +to get two wives at once. I would think a +man would have to be very smart and step +lively to get two wives at once. Pa says he +has stepped over all the good he had in him +he reckons. +</p> +<p> +I am learning to drive a big touring car, the +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_2'></a>2</span> +Franklin, Model G. It’s a cracker jack car, +just let me tell you. The manager is the +nicest man I ever saw. He said I looked like +Pa—that’s why I think he is so nice—my +Pa is the very nicest man I ever saw. Then +Levey Cohen comes next to the Franklin car +manager. If you want a good car that can +pick up her feet and fly on the road, you get +a Franklin, and you will find that the finest +car made is the Franklin. I am in love with +my car. Pa says I know a whole lot for my +age, almost as much as a boy. I am glad I +am a girl, boys are horrid sometimes; they +don’t like to spend all their money to buy +chocolates for the girls. Ma says Pa sent her +a five-pound box every Sunday. Pa says +nearly all boys are good for is to play ball, +and smash windows, and cry, if they have to +pay for them. Pa says I will change my +mind when I grow up, but I am not going +to grow up. I have seen Peter Pan, and I +like wings, and angel cake, very much indeed. +Next to my Pa, comes chocolates—I like all +the good ones. Levey Cohen says I am a +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_3'></a>3</span> +sugar-plum, but Pa says I need a whole lot +of sugar yet, to be very sweet. I told him +I knew flies could tell the boys that were +sweet, because some of their mothers put +molasses on their hair to keep it smooth,—Johnnie +Alton has lots of flies around his head,—and +I wondered why, so one day I put my +finger on his hair when he wasn’t looking, and +pressed just a little, and the hair cracked. +My, he was mad. He said, “Cut-it-out,” and +I said, “Oh, Johnnie, you would look too +funny.” +</p> +<p> +Now about my motor car. I took my first +lesson of the manager the other day; he says +I will be going up the sides of the houses +before long if I don’t look to the wheel more. +I like to let the machine go after she starts. +Surely those lights ought to show the way. +My, how she will go. Levey Cohen says I +am a nice girl and when I get big he is going +to marry me. Well, I don’t think I will get +married. Pa says I had better stick to him +and Ma, and, anyway, I am having lots of +fun. I went out alone in my car. I went all +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_4'></a>4</span> +right for awhile, but there always comes a +time when a car won’t go, and I got that +time out in Brookline near Dr. Jones’ house. +I went in and telephoned for the manager to +come for me—he came in another car and +towed me home. I don’t like that. I told Pa +I hoped that car wouldn’t lose its breath again, +and now in four weeks she has done fine. +</p> +<p> +I can’t write always every day. I write a +whole lot when I feel like it, then I don’t +think of it again for weeks. Pa says he nearly +died laughing reading the diary Ma made. I +shall give my diary to Levey Cohen when we +are married—I suppose I shall have to marry +him some day, just to prove to him that I +don’t like him any too well. Pa says that +you had better not marry any one you really +care for, then you won’t need to expect to +find any letters in their pockets—Pa’s pockets +are always full of letters, he never thinks to +mail them—and every week Ma and I take +them to the post-office in a bag. When Pa +begins to look like a bundle of straw with a +string tied in the middle, Ma will say, “Elsie, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_5'></a>5</span> +it’s mail-time.” Sure as you live, Pa says he’s +a walking post-office, but Ma says, “Yes, a +dead-letter office out of date.” Now I will go +for a spin in my car. It’s a fine day and the +sooner I get started the longer I can be out, +so bye-bye till later on, as we are going to see +Barnum’s circus. +</p> +<hr class='tb' /> +<p> +Pa and Levey Cohen and Ma and I all went +to the circus. Really, it was very good—we +all enjoyed it very much. Ma fed chocolates +to the pet elephant and so did I. Pa and I +took in some of the side-shows. What an +awful cheat they are! We saw a sign that +read: “Come in and see the $50,000 Horse, +his tail where his head ought to be.” We +paid our money and went in, and we saw +the wonderful horse turned around in his +stall—true, his head where his tail ought to +be. Pa said he knew it was a big sell, and +he laughed; said he would try again. A little +further on we saw another sign that read: +“See the wonder Dog—half bear.” Pa said +that must be a novelty, so we went in, and saw +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_6'></a>6</span> +a big Newfoundland black dog standing on +a box half-shaved close. Pa said, “Which +half is bear?” and the man said, “The half +that was shaved, mister.” We looked up and +saw a sign that read “Sciddoo!” We did. +Pa said Barnum was a smart man—said he +had fooled more people than any one man on +earth, but the best of it all was they were just +as eager to be fooled the next year. Pa says +if that law about whiskers gets into force it +will be mighty interesting for some good men +like Dr. Parkhurst and Anthony Comstock. +Neither of them poor devils will dare go out, +except in the evening, and then the cop may +get them for carrying about nude faces. Pa +says it’s a bad place for microbes to settle +down in a man’s beard. All the wise men +I know goes smooth face and that’s the best +way, I think. We have a Frenchman who is +our gardener. He can’t talk very good English. +He told Pa the other day, speaking of +his memory of his childhood, that he could +remember backwards very far. When he tried +to harness the horse on our little farm he +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_7'></a>7</span> +said to the horse: “You, good huss, just open +your face now and take in your harness.” +Pa says, brush away and come to dinner, so, +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>So long,</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>ELSIE.</p> +<p> +P. S. Pa says here are some questions that +half of the Public are asking the other half: +Question—What is an automobile? Answer—A +wagon with big rubbers on its feet. +Name two uses of the automobile? Ans. To +run people down and to run them in. What +is the horn used for? Ans. To frighten the +life out of one, so he will stand still and get +run over. What’s the difference in running +over a dog and a man? Ans. If you run over +a dog it costs you $5, or if a man, 5 years. +What is a constable? A man with the hoe +who is too lazy to work, so arrests every man +he sees in an automobile. +</p> +<p> +Pa says these are all for now. +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>E.</p> +<h2><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_8'></a>8</span>LETTER II</h2> +<p> +Well, what do you think! I have been to +Atlantic City for the Automobile races. Had +I been older Pa says I could have entered my +Franklin car for the race, but he said “no +use for a girl to try,” so I just looked on. I +fell in love with Miss Rogers, she is a smart +woman, a real thoroughbred, Pa says. Ma +don’t dare to drive a car; she is a ’fraid-cat, +won’t even shoot the shoots at Coney Island. +Why, they don’t make anything I wouldn’t +try! I got old Deacon Weston to ride the +flying horses with me at Coney Island, and +the band played “There will be a Hot Time +in the Old Town To-night.” Deacon Weston’s +coat-tails blew out behind him like the +American flag in a gale of wind, and the boys +nearly died to see how hard he held on. It’s +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_9'></a>9</span> +jolly fun to live! I heard Pa say Mrs. Pat +Campbell and her poodle had solved the joy +of living, but I don’t believe she has half the +fun I do. Why, I can climb a tree if I like +to. Pa says I shouldn’t, else I’ll be a tomboy. +I don’t see how I can be a tomboy when I am +a girl, but Pa says that there are lots of +things you don’t learn in school. I like school +pretty well, but like most girls, I am more +fond of vacations. In vacation, in summer, +we go to grandpa’s in the country, out in +Pennsylvania. I stepped on a bumblebee one +day—that is, I tried to, but I didn’t step +heavy. He saw my foot coming and it was +bare, and he made me dance good, for a little. +I don’t think I’ll walk in the dewy grass any +more in the morning. Pa told Ma it would +keep me always young, and as I don’t want +to grow up I just went out to try it, but I +believe I will even be willing to wear long +dresses and grow up, if I have to dance to a +bumblebee sting; I don’t like the music at +all, too much pain in it, for harmony. +</p> +<p> +My grandma has a pet little cow. Pa says +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_10'></a>10</span> +it’s a calf, and I got the pony’s harness and +put it on the calf, and he didn’t like to be a +pony at all. He just kicked and tipped me all +over the yard. Ma screamed and Pa laughed. +Pa said, “Let them alone, both those kids are +just alike,” meaning me and the calf. We are +better friends than when I first came here, +for he would run when I came in sight, but +now he runs to meet me, ’cause he expects +me to give him some sugar. He likes it just +as well as my pony does. I often feel sad +to think that I can’t feed sugar to my +automobile—don’t it seem a real shame?—but +they are built to live on electricity or gasoline. +I just pity them. Think of not being able +to eat ice-cream and chocolates. My Uncle +Smith is coming to see me from Buffalo. He +is the dearest man. He has a camera and the +first time I saw him he had on a brown suit +and his camera slung over his shoulder, and +oh, my! but he looked the professional. I +was almost scared of him, but he is a mighty +nice man. He has taken lots of pictures of +me with my Franklin car, and he got a snap +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_11'></a>11</span> +shot of Deacon Weston on the flying horses, +and I nearly died myself when I saw it. He +looked worse than a scotcher after a highball, +Pa said. I never saw a highball, but Pa +says it’s a live wire, so I shall keep in the +middle of the good path. I heard a Salvation +Army man say that, so it is on the level. Pa +says slang forms too great a part of the +present-day conversation, but I don’t think I am +any joke, only I know my Pa knows all that +is worth knowing. My Pa is a very wise +man for his years—he’s been married twice, +and he says two marriages will either make or +break a man, depends on his disposition. Pa +says he made a mess of his first marriage, +but the second one was good. I belong to +the second house. Pa says a man who is +married twice can learn to manage the worst +kind of an automobile. He says none of +them could have more kinks than some +women, and do such unexpected stunts. I +guess the man I read about in the automobile +magazine that never swears under any +condition has been married twice. Pa says two +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_12'></a>12</span> +marriages will smooth out a man’s disposition +as nice as a hot iron will a shirt-bosom. They +asked Pa to run for Governor of New York +State; said he could govern anything, but Pa +is very modest. He said his wife didn’t like +society and he considered her happiness first; +said all men should. Pa knows which side +his bread is buttered on, Ma has all the +money I I sang that song one night called +“Everybody Works but Father,” and Pa +nearly lost his temper. He took it personally +to himself, so for the last few days he gets +up at five o’clock and goes up Commonwealth +Ave. with his car and blows his Gabriel horn +for all he is worth all the way. Once I heard +him say as he went out: “Yes, everybody +works but Father, do they? Well, I guess +they will think Father’s working some to-day.” +</p> +<p> +Isn’t life a queer problem? My, I wonder +what it all means! Sometimes it seems like +a continuous vaudeville show, then it changes +and becomes serious, clouds and tears, and, +oh, dear, I don’t understand it at all. I will +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_13'></a>13</span> +try to be a good girl, but being a real Sunday +girl isn’t any fun. I think I am a little +related to Buster Brown, anyway, I would like +to have his dog. Levey Cohen said he would +get him for me, but I thought Buster would be +lonesome, and I have my Pa, and automobile. +Why is it that girls like their Pas so much? +I have got a beautiful mother, she is too +handsome and queenly for anything, but I seem to +be Pap’s own girl. He says I am the light of +his eyes. Pa’s as much of a boy as I am, only +he’s grown up. He has beautiful brown hair; +he isn’t bald on the top of his head. I have +always been told when a man is bald-headed +it was because his wife was a tartar and +robbed his pockets while he slept, and pulled +his hair out, if he noticed the loss of his +money. Pa has plenty of money. Pa said +he settled the money question with Ma’s Pa +before they were married; he said all men +making second marriages should see about +the financial end of the game. I never knew +just how it ended, but I do know that Pa is +considered very swell, and rich, and he says +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_14'></a>14</span> +Levey Cohen has his eyes on his pocketbook, +but I don’t see how that is, for Pa never +carries it out of the house. It’s in the safe in +the billiard-room and Pa has never asked +Levey to play billiards because he always +calls in the late afternoon, and Pa always +plays billiards at noon, or early in the day. +Pa says the ice man would be as much of a +gentleman as an actor, if he had the free +advertising that some of them get. I like actors +because they can be anything they like from a +beggar to a king, and all they do is to put on +different clothes. One would think it was an +easy thing to be an actor, but I guess they +have their ups and downs; they are not all +kings, but I like some of them tip-top, say, +for instance, Mr. Edmund Breese and Mr. +George Coen. All the girls like them. I +heard Pa say that they understood the real +act of impersonating as well as any he knew +of on the boards—and the women on the +stage are all fine, that I have seen. I think +Elsie Janis is a darling. I just love her. I +would be almost willing to let her marry +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_15'></a>15</span> +Levey Cohen if I didn’t think I really wanted +him myself. I am pretty willing he should +take her out in his car. Levey Cohen is a very +handsome chap; he is four years older than +I am, and Pa says he’s doing well for a kid. +I don’t like to be called a kid, and I don’t +think Levey does either, but it’s Pa’s way of +talking. My Pa is a cousin to Bill Nye that +used to write for the papers so much. Pa +said he was better than he looked in the +papers; I hope he was, because he looked in +the papers, poor man, like a bean-pole with +a rubber ball on the top of it for a head. He +was a funny man, on paper, but Pa says in +his home he was Mr. Edgar Nye, loved and +respected by all, and that’s saying a good deal +in this age of rush and tear. +</p> +<p> +Well, good-bye, little book, I have told you +all my secrets for four weeks past now, and +I will say good night. It’s 6 P. M. and we +are going to the Touraine for dinner as the +cook got dopy, Pa says, and let the fire go +out in the kitchen. Ma, poor dear, can’t cook, +so we are going out to dine and then to see +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_16'></a>16</span> +some circus on Mars they have here. Pa says +I must learn to cook if I want to keep Levey +at home after we get married, and I am going +to learn. I boiled some eggs for Pa the other +morning when the cook went to market. I +thought they would cook in three hours, most +meats will, in that time, but Pa said, “Nay, +nay, Pauline, make it three minutes,” so I +did. My Pa can cook, but he won’t. He says +it’s the cook’s work. Pa objects to doing +other people’s work for them; he says they +must all do it some time, and why not begin +here, now, so that’s how we stand on the +cook-book question. +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>ELSIE.</p> +<p> +P. S. Pa says he’s from Missouri when the +cook says the air is bad and the coal won’t +burn. He says it’s more likely it’s her breath +that stuns even the coal and that it’s 23 for +ourn, as far as dinner goes, that’s why we go +to a hotel. +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>ELSIE.</p> +<h2><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_17'></a>17</span>LETTER III</h2> +<p> +Well, here I am again, little book. Pa and +I went to Harvard Class Day, out to Cambridge. +I took him in my Franklin car. I +have never had any trouble since that Brookline +adventure, and was towed home. My! +but I felt cheap. I would have sold that car +that day for 99 cents, but she’s all right ever +since—has just been making up for past bad +behavin’, just like a naughty little girl I know +of. Pa says of all the colleges in the land Haryard +is the best. Pa graduated from Harvard +and Levey Cohen is a junior, and they are +worse than ten old women about the old days +Pa spent at Harvard. Of course I like Harvard +because Pa does; I never question Pa’s judgment +because he says it’s so, and there is +nothing to do but believe him, especially when +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_18'></a>18</span> +Levey Cohen always backs him up. It’s two +men against one little girl, and I don’t have +a bit of a show if I don’t side in. Pa is a +Democrat and Levey and I are both staunch +Republicans—so is Ma—Pa don’t dare mention +politics in the house, he goes over to +South Boston or down to Salem Willows +when he feels a political spell coming on. +He don’t have our company then. Ma says +two marriages ought to change any man from +a Democrat to a Republican, but it hasn’t +worked on Pa’s constitution yet. Harvard +is just a dear, so many really handsome men, +and fine fellows. Lots of them have automobiles +and they make them hum. They +say it’s lots more fun driving a car above +the speed limit and being chased by a +policeman than it is to steal barber poles and store +signs; they all have drop numbers on their +cars, so no one has ever been caught yet. I +have one on my Franklin. I had to use it +one day, for I run a race with Harold Hill, +of Brookline, and beat him by two miles, but +I also beat the policeman, and Pa said he +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_19'></a>19</span> +would give me credit for being my father’s +daughter. But you will laugh when I tell +you Pa has been fined three times for fast +speeding, but he has forgotten all about that +and I haven’t the heart to refresh his memory, +Pa’s such a dear. I went to a football game +a year ago, and Alice Roosevelt was there, +and a big crowd beside. I don’t care for +football. I think it’s too much of a mush for +comfort. I like golf. Pa is a cracker jack +on golf; he has friends in New Jersey who +are fine players. Pa won a cup one year. It’s +a beauty. I like that sport. I can beat Levey +Cohen every time. I rather play with him +because I always get the game. Pa says +Levey knows his business, but I don’t care, +so long as I get the game. Pa says: “Just +wait, little girl, till you are married, and you +will be surprised how much faster Levey will +pick up his feet in golf than he does now.” +That’s about the meanest thing Pa ever said +to me in all his life. He won’t get but two +kisses, for saying that, this day. I usually +count 80, but he will see that kisses have had +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_20'></a>20</span> +a big slump since this morning, and he will +be out altogether. He won’t have margin +enough to cover, I’ll bet you, he’ll be taken +so off his feet. Pa has dabbled in stocks +enough to know all the points of loss. He +says he was a hoodoo on the market; when +he sold stock went up, and when he bought +they slumped, so he will say it’s his regular +luck. Poor, dear Pa, no one will ever know +how much I love my father. He’s the dearest +man on earth—except Levey Cohen—he is +next best. It would be an awfully bad thing +if I didn’t marry Levey Cohen, after all, but +I will; he’s the only right sort. I know others +are good, but—he is goodiest of all. He +always lets me have my own way and any +girl likes that. My Pa thinks it’s just awful +to put any money on a horse, but my Uncle +Smith from Buffalo is a live wire, and he +took me to a race at Readville this spring +and he put a thousand, 10 to 1, on Bumshell, +for me, and a thousand dollars for himself. +When he gave me the $10,000 I took it home +and showed it to Pa and he said: “Elsie, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_21'></a>21</span> +where did you get that money?” and I said, +“Off Bumshell, he won the race.” “Did +your Uncle Smith back you?” “Sure he did, +Pa” “Thunder! What does he mean? My +daughter learning to gamble on the racetrack? +Your Uncle Smith ought to know +better than that.” “Well, Pa, he said if we +lost it would be a gamble, but if we won, why, +it was O. K., so we won.” Well, Pa put the +money in the Charity box on Sunday and said +he hoped it would do some poor cuss good, +for I didn’t need it, neither did he. I don’t +know what he will say to Uncle Smith when +he sees him, but I am going to write and tell +him to wait a little till Pa cools off. Ma said +I had better tell Uncle Smith that Pa had +suddenly gone up above par in gambling +stock, and to wait till the excitement was +over before he came in. Well, I telephoned +him instead, and he waited two weeks and +then asked me to ask Pa how the market was. +That was too much for Pa. He laughed and +said, “Tell Uncle Smith to come over to dinner +now the cook’s breath don’t put the fire +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_22'></a>22</span> +out.” So we will have a jolly dinner and go +to Keith’s this evening. +</p> +<p> +So good-bye, for I hear Pa asking where +his little girl is. +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>ELSIE.</p> +<h2><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_23'></a>23</span>LETTER IV</h2> +<p> +Well, dear little book, here I am again. +We have all been down in Maine for six +weeks. What a fine place “In the Good Old +Summer Time.” We went first to Rockland, +then to Portland and Bangor. We used the +Eastern Steamship Co. boats. They are certainly +very nice, and have all the comforts +of home, except bath-tubs. Pa says if they +would only put in bath-tubs the public would +call them blessed forever. At Bangor we +were introduced to Mr. Lorison Appletree +Booker; he is one of the youngest and smartest +lawyers in New England. Pa says he +knew his father and they were of fine stock. +I had my Franklin car, so Pa asked Mr. +Booker to show us about the city. Bangor +is a nice city, but it don’t have any barrooms +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_24'></a>24</span> +in sight like most cities do. Pa says it’s a +matter of legislation whether they are in sight +or not. Pa says a glass of their whiskey down +there will make a man think he owns the +State. Pa says he has never delivered any +lectures on the temperance question, so he +won’t begin now. Pa says if you want to +shoot big game go to Maine; if you want the +finest trout in the world you will find them at +Moosehead Lake, Maine; and if you want to +tramp miles over hills and dales after golf +balls, go to Kineo, Maine, it’s one of the +grandest of all places in New England. If +you want to see the ugliest woman on earth +go to Lowell, Mass., she’s there. I saw some +fine automobiles in Bangor and Portland. +The people down there are all up-to-date; +they know a good thing when they see it +advertised. Pa says you can’t do anything, +these days, in business, if you don’t advertise. +Pa is great on advertising business of all +sorts, he has helped many a firm out on ads +to sell and display goods. Pa has his own +ideas, and when he has sold them they have +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_25'></a>25</span> +come high, but the one that followed them got +a big pile of dough. Pa says the business +man to-day must spend money to make +money, and the one who places the best and +most judicious advertising gets the most business. +Pa says even a business that’s no good +can be made good by advertising. Advertising +makes people think—some think right, some +wrong, some look and wonder. Pa says there +is only one sure way to get rich quick, and +that is to marry a rich woman, any other way +is a snare and delusion. Pa knows by experience +that this is true, so he gives his +knowledge free to save others from expensive +experiences. Pa says that women should be +very careful about getting married to +strangers that can’t really account for their +silver and their business. He says to especially +beware of any slick good talker you +might meet in a bank where your hard earnings +are deposited and you are afterwards +made acquainted with the same man you saw +hanging around at the bank. You remember +noticing him because he looked pleasant and +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_26'></a>26</span> +dressed nice. Well, Pa says look out and +don’t think of getting married to such a man, +for he’s only another hawk, and is after your +bank-book; perhaps he’s had twenty or fifty +wives, one cannot tell. If you want to marry, +grow up with the man, Pa says, as I have +with Levey Cohen. I have known him ever +since I was five years of age and I know he’s +the best and dearest boy that was ever—even +Pa thinks Levey is a sparkling light, and I +know I do, for he brings so many boxes of +chocolates. I don’t know which kind I like +best yet, but sometime I will decide. +</p> +<p> +Well, so long, we are going to Bar Harbor +in our car from here, so I won’t write again +for some days. +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>ELSIE.</p> +<h2><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_27'></a>27</span>LETTER V</h2> +<p> +We didn’t go to Bar Harbor; we came back +to Boston, for Pa had to see about one of his +inventions—Pa’s a wonderful man, he has +invented lots of things—I don’t dare record +the name of his motor car, for he has arranged +by phonography and electricity a whole band, +and when he goes out by himself always turns +on the power and a band plays wonderfully +clear—sounds as if it were just coming up +the street. People rush to the doors and +throw up the windows, and look up and down +the street, but no band appears, and as Pa +rides up the street the sound gets fainter and +fainter, till it vanishes into silence; then he +will put on the echo, and they hear it all over +again as distinct as before. They never connect +Pa with the band, and I have been with +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_28'></a>28</span> +him several times early in the morning and +Levey Cohen has gone in the evening, and +people are wondering what it all means. +They wrote it up in the papers, but no one +has yet found out what it is, or where it +comes from. When they do I don’t know +what will happen. I am very sure I don’t +want to be around. The other night we were +coming home real late from a trip to Wonderland +(say, that’s a good name for that place; +I have wondered a whole lot since I saw it). +We had had a wonderful day, Pa and I (Pa +is a dear. He will shoot the shoots, ride the +roller coaster or stand on his head if I say +so to have fun). Well, we were riding real +slow in Pa’s automobile, the nameless wonder, +when all of a sudden I heard something that +scared me. I heard a man’s rough voice +shout, “Hi, there! stop or I’ll shoot!” Pa +stopped so quick that it shook the machine +good and the band struck up “Where Is My +Wandering Boy To-night?” The burglar +listened for a moment, spellbound, took off +his hat and bowed his head and said, “That’s +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_29'></a>29</span> +my sainted mother’s favorite song, I have +always been bad and my poor mother has +died of a broken heart.” Then as he proceeded +with his story, Pa pulled out a second +stop and the cornet played the second verse +and a fine sweet tenor voice sang with such +feeling that I nearly cried myself. The burglar +was entirely broken up, and when the +song ended and one of Sousa’s marches began, +the man pulled himself together and said, +“Well, that song saved your garl darned neck, +for I intended murder to get money. Good-bye, +that band will be in sight in a minute +and I don’t care to be seen.” So off he went; +then we moved on. Pa put on the echo and +it all came back, the moon came out and it +was the most dreamy thing you ever heard. +The burglar waited some moments by the +roadside in the bushes for the band to appear, +but none came. He pondered a moment, then +said, “Strung, by gosh.” When I got home +I told Ma she had missed the best fun of her +life, for I had had dreamland all day and all +the way home besides. We didn’t tell Ma +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_30'></a>30</span> +about the burglar, she would have had a real +fit. Pa says Ma is too timid for a real modern +1906 woman—said she should have been born +in ye olden days, but I don’t think so, my Ma +is a darling and no one knows it better than +Pa, either. Sometimes I sing, “Where Is My +Wandering Boy To-night,” and Pa always +laughs, and Ma don’t see the point at all. +She says it’s sad, but Pa gets a fit of the +giggles just like a girl and Levey Cohen and +I have our hands full to keep Ma pleasant, +for she thinks Pa is making fun of that poor +wandering boy, when in reality Pa’s only giving +thanks in a vocal way of his scalp and +pocketbook being saved by his wonderful +invention of a band. We have a fine burglar-alarm, +Pa made it. It’s a cracker jack, I tell +you what. When it is set, woe be to the one +who tries to rob our house, he won’t try only +once. A stranger is sure to bump into a wire, +but they are very small, yet they work +wonders; they run about the walls and floors so +close that no one sees them, but we put down +the plates under the rugs at each door. When +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_31'></a>31</span> +one steps on one of them plates it turns on +the lights, opens the telephone to the police +station and in three seconds any burglar +would wish himself electrocuted for the things +that happen before he can say Jack Robinson. +If he isn’t out of the house before three +minutes the police get him, and there you are. +Our gate has a red mark on it, small, but +distinct. Pa says it is a warning for tramps and +burglars to go by and not take the trouble +to call. No one of that profession has ever +called on us but once, and the police got them. +They got 20 years and it is not time for them +to call again for 19 years, they won’t be out +till then. All of that profession know that, +and they think that the Shaw Mansion is a +very nice place to let alone, so we surely are +blessed. We don’t put the silver away at +night, for we feel sure it will be right where +it was left the night before, even if that were +out on the piazza.—or under the trees. Pa +is a big man so he can do anything he likes. +</p> +<p> +We all went fishing out in a catboat and I +love that sport. I caught 10 fish all +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_32'></a>32</span> +myself, except Levey Cohen baited my hook and +took off the fish. I don’t like to do that part. +Pa got more than I did, and bigger ones, too, +one weighed 20 pounds—it was a cod. I got +small fish, mostly, for I didn’t think I could +handle a big one, so I told the little fishes to +bite my hook and for all the big ones to go to +Pa’s side, and they did. Ma don’t fish, she +says she never went but once and that’s when +she caught Pa. She said it was easy to land +him and I said, “What bait did you use, Ma?” +and she said, “I just baited the hook with five +million dollars.” Pa says that’s the biggest +fish story he ever heard, so does Levey Cohen, +and Pa says he has been on exhibition ever +since, as a good catch. Ma says Pa is the only +man she ever could love, so I am glad she +married him. We are all very happy and have +such jolly times, all the time. It’s a picnic +for four all the time. When Uncle Smith +and Levey Cohen is here I have heaps of +friends that we see once in awhile, but I am +too much taken up with my dear Pa to be +much away from him. I go along with him +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_33'></a>33</span> +everywhere I can because he likes to have me +so much. +</p> +<p> +He is calling me now for a drive in my +Franklin car, so +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>Bye-bye,</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>ELSIE.</p> +<h2><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_34'></a>34</span>LETTER VI</h2> +<p> +Well, little book, it has been some few days +since I made you a call. Pa and I went over +to New York City. We went in Pa’s nameless +motor, and such a trip, I won’t forget in a +hurry. Pa had the misfortune to kill a Jersey +cow and had to pay $60 in hard cash for the +privilege. Pa said he was more sorry for the +cow than for the man who owned her. He +said the cow looked like a good one, while +the man looked altogether to the bad. When +we got to New York City we went to the New +Astor House, up-town—that’s a very decent +place to stop at, Pa says. Ma seemed pleased +with our suite of three rooms and bath. We +stayed three days—Ma had some shopping to +do and Pa and I had some sightseeing to do—so +we were all busy. Pa and I started to +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_35'></a>35</span> +walk up Broadway a little below the Herald +Building, when we came to a poor, old blind +beggar playing a very squeaky organ. I gave +him some pennies, so did Pa, and asked him +how business was. The beggar said, “Bad, +very bad, haven’t taken 10 cents all day.” I +told Pa I would sing if he would grind the +organ. I thought Pa would choke for a moment, +but he concluded he would grind the +organ while I sang. We moved up a little +from the old man and then tuned up. I sang +“Pickles for Two,” and Pa ground out “Sally +in Our Alley” on the organ. The singing and +the playing didn’t go on very well together, +so I told Pa to play and I would dance. Well, +that went better. The organ piped out, +“Coming through the Rye,” and I danced the +Highland dance; some swell guys went by +and dropped in several silver pieces and some +that wasn’t so swell did the same. One asked +how long I had been in the business, and I +told him about a half-hour. I had my automobile +veil over my face so they couldn’t see +me much. Pa had on a false mustache and +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_36'></a>36</span> +goggles, so his own mother would not have +known him. Well, any way, we had the fun +of earning eight dollars for the beggar man. +Pa said it wasn’t a good example, but I told +him we were commanded in the Good Book +to help the poor. Pa never objects to do +anything when I tell him it’s in the Good Book. +He says he don’t know the Book any too +well at best and is always glad to have me +remind him when he does anything it says +to do. A man tried to steal my purse in New +York, but he didn’t get it. Pa gave him a cut +that changed his mind quick. He picked up +his feet and flew. Pa said that was just the +way, help a beggar on one corner and be +knocked down on the next one. I told Pa, +yes, it seemed so, but not to mind, as long +as the thief didn’t get my purse. Pa said all +he minded was because the policeman didn’t +arrest him and get his dollar commission in +court the next morning. I never saw so many +pails and pitchers in commission as we saw in +New York the three days we were there. Pa +says if all the beer was put together, sold +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_37'></a>37</span> +those three days, it would cause the Charles +River here in Boston to be a Johnstown flood, +and if all the cigarettes were put in a line +that they smoke over there in a week they +would belt the globe. Pa says beer and +cigarettes ought to be cut off the map. Pa don’t +smoke because Ma objects to the odor of +tobacco, and Pa says a model husband won’t +make himself a weed to please some man. +Pa says it will count for more in the end to +please one’s wife—I wouldn’t think Pa was +half so sweet to kiss if he smoked—Pa is +such a darling; I wish every little girl had +such a nice Pa as mine. Pa tells such fine +stories; Pa says when he was a little boy he +lived with his grandma and he went to the +edge of the woods to get some berries that +grew there and he heard a growl and looked +up and saw a big black bear as big as a horse—he +ran like fun for home and told his +grandma a bear chased him. He looked out +of the window and told his grandma the bear +was coming down the road. Well, grandma +looked out and said, “Why, my dear boy, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_38'></a>38</span> +that’s Green’s black dog.” Pa says that’s all +the bear he ever was chased by, and I guess +it was enough as it nearly scared him to +death. Pa and I have heaps of fun flying +kites. We have had some splendid ones and +they go up like the wind. Pa fills them with +a new discovery he has, and they go up like +a shot. Pa won’t tell what he puts in, and no +one can find out. We rented a balloon and +we went up till I thought I could see people +on Mars, then we came slowly down to earth +again—we had a glorious time among the +stars, seemed as if they were very near, and +we could almost touch them. I am fond of +everything Pa is, I guess, and he has splendid +taste. +</p> +<p> +Well, good-bye, little book, it’s time for +dinner. +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>ELSIE.</p> +<h2><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_39'></a>39</span>LETTER VII</h2> +<p> +Well, I have been having a very remarkable +experience, and not only myself and Pa, but +all the United States as well; the excitement +spread all over the country. I am going to +put this down to tell my grandchildren about, +for I hope they never will have such a time +as we all have had for the past few weeks. +I went with Pa to do a little shopping because +my dearest girl friend, Mary Potter, of Brookline, +had a birthday, and I did, at last, but +such a time. I went to the counter where +diamond rings were displayed and selected a +beauty—Pa said he could not have picked out +a better one for the money himself—and I +took my purse, opened it to get the $200 to +pay for my friend’s present, when I found +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_40'></a>40</span> +my purse empty but for a few small silver +pieces. I gasped for breath and told Pa. He +looked at the purse and declared he knew it +was clasped tight when he took it from his +pocket inside his vest to give me, and I knew +I placed three hundred in one hundred dollar +bills in the purse before I started. Pa got the +three new bills at my bank that very morning, +but they were gone, and no sign of how, or +when. +</p> +<p> +Pa said: “Never mind, Elsie, I have some +money myself, also I happen to have my +check-book, so you can have the ring just the +same. I don’t care for the loss of that three +hundred dollars so much as the peculiar way +of its disappearance, but perhaps you left it +at home in your room.” The clerk said I +could telephone and ask, which I did. Ma +answered the phone and looked in my room +and asked the servants, but no money was +found, or had been seen. Well, Pa took out +his pocketbook and said I could have what +bills he had, which was one hundred and fifty +dollars, and give a check for the other fifty, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_41'></a>41</span> +so while he was talking he was opening his +pocketbook, and he too started, and gasped +for breath, for no bills were to be found, +nothing but two silver quarters did Pa’s +pocketbook contain, and they were as mum as +oysters. Pa said: “Elsie, I don’t understand +this. Child, we have been robbed since we +left home, but I am at a loss how and when; +I am also sure I had one hundred and fifty +dollars, besides these quarters, in my pocketbook, +but they are all that is left to tell the +tale, and they don’t tell it.” We both laughed +like two kids—I felt like crying, and Pa +said the cold shivers were playing up and +down his spine. So he wrote a check for the +two hundred dollars and I took the ring and +we went directly home and told Ma. Poor +Ma couldn’t understand it any more than we +did. +</p> +<p> +Pa went to the police station and reported +his loss, also my loss, too. The sergeant +said it did look queer. However, we looked +all over the house, but not a sign of the +missing bank-notes. Before twelve o’clock +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_42'></a>42</span> +that day the police were nearly wild, for +hundreds had reported losses of from five dollars +to one thousand in bills, no one had a sign +of a bill on his person—people seemed to be +going mad, for every one would swear they +had so much money in the morning and some +time during the day it disappeared like the +dew before a hot August sun. The police +were at work on the case, so were the newspapers. +</p> +<p> +Hearst’s “American” got the real first +news; said a man in a big house in the suburbs +had all the money that had been lost, +but not much came to light till some days +later, for the house had a high stone wall and +was guarded by big men, who said Mr. Worthington, +the author, was busy writing a book +on his European travels and could not be +disturbed, so no one was let into the author’s +house. Mr. Worthington was also a clever +scientist—although no one knew that except +his servants. He was always seeking to find +some new hidden power he believed to be +attraction, that was yet unsolved, so he spent +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_43'></a>43</span> +his life among his books in study, also +making experiments and writing when nothing of +greater interest came to hand. For a few +days he had been operating a peculiar machine +that in appearance looked like a telegraph +instrument, with the result that had caused +all the commotion in town those few days. +It seemed he had dreamed that a +combination of chemicals, used with the peculiar +machine, would attract money to it on account +of the silk in the paper money was made of. +It would go through everything except a +vault; leather was no protection at all, and +no one could explain it, and when the +servants waited till ten A. M. on the fifth day, +not having seen or heard of the author after +leaving his food in the dining-room that was +eaten always, till the dinner the night before—which +was the general cause of alarm—they +pushed in the door. Well, they tried. +It would not yield much, but it was dark and +stuffy, so they got a ladder and went to the +window. They could see nothing but one +solid mass of green, with now and then a +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_44'></a>44</span> +gleam of yellow. What to do they did not +know, so they telephoned the police, and they +came and saw—what? Why, the poor man +actually dead in the middle of a room crowded, +packed down, with greenbacks, of all denominations +from one dollar to one thousand dollars. +The police said there were millions of +bills; some of them went crazy looking at it, +and some wondered how it could have been +done. No one had an idea. The servants declared +that Mr. Worthington had not left his +house in ten days, and had not left his room +except to go to the dining-room for five days, +but he was in the midst of millions, and it had +smothered him to death. A man was found +who tried to explain how the machine attracted +that silk in the money. Some believed +him, others said he was a fool. The money +was restored, as far as it could be. Pa and +I got ours back because we had the first experience, +but oh, my! such excitement I never +heard or witnessed before. People didn’t dare +carry any greenbacks in their purses or +pockets for weeks after the whole thing was +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_45'></a>45</span> +over. Pa said his check-book would be his +closest friend for a time; said that infernal +machine might go off any minute and make +another collection, and he was going, for one, +to be on the safe side. I am glad it couldn’t +attract automobiles, for Pa would have lost +his Brass Band and the whole business, and +my car might have gone, too, then I would +have had a good cry, for I most surely love +my dear old Franklin. She is such a flyer, +and I have had so much fun touring in that +car. +</p> +<p> +I am glad, however, to be settled down once +more to our normal life, and I feel much +better. I, with many more, have had a horrible +nightmare. I have related these facts as +well as one could expect of a girl fourteen +years of age; anything one may wish to know +more about, my Pa can tell them, he’s a very +learned and wise man, and he says he fully +understands all about the attraction of the +money to that machine—but I am sure I +don’t and Levey Cohen says he don’t see any +sense in it at all, and so I don’t feel so awfully +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_46'></a>46</span> +alone in not understanding all such high science. +Pa is way up in science. +</p> +<p> +I hear Pa calling for his girlie, so +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>Good-bye,</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>ELSIE.</p> +<h2><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_47'></a>47</span>LETTER VIII</h2> +<p> +I have been very much interested in a Benefit +for the Sufferers of the late California +Earthquake. It was held in Mechanics Building +and twenty thousand dollars was raised. It +was all done by the young people of Boston. +We had the Salem Cadet Band as a foundation, +and then the children gave pretty dances, +marches, songs, readings, etc. It was a vaudeville +and pop concert show all in one and it +lasted two days. Such gay crowds I never +saw. Pa said the ladies were lovelier than +ever and every one was glad to help, by her +presence, and also many brought friends who +were strangers here. I think that the Salem +Cadet Band is a peach. Every one enjoyed +listening to the band and then they made a +splendid orchestra for the fancy dancing; so +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_48'></a>48</span> +that it all together was a fine success. I have +jotted down two of the selections given by +children present. David Westfield, six years +of age, gave a wonderful selection which I +shall put right here; it was called “Esau +Buck and the Buck-saw.” Pa said how a boy +six years old could recite a piece so complicated +was a wonder. He said that David +Westfield was a live wire, and he should keep +track of him to see what end he made. He +says he is liable to be a big man some day, +and something will drop at City Hall if he +got power there. Now for the selection. +David made a low bow to the big audience, +stood up on the seat of a big automobile that +was on the stage as one of the props, and +began thus: “An old farmer, way out in +Kansas, whose sons had all grown up and +left him, hired a young man by the name of +Esau Buck to help him on his farm. On the +evening of the first day they hauled up a load +of poles for wood and unloaded them between +the garden and the barnyard. The next morning +the old man said to the hired man, ‘Esau, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_49'></a>49</span> +I’m going to town this morning, and while I’m +gone you may saw up the wood and keep the +old Buck out of the garden.’ When the old +man was gone, Esau went out to saw the +wood, but when he saw the saw, he didn’t saw +it. When Esau saw the saw he saw he couldn’t +saw with that saw, so he didn’t saw it. When +the old man came home, he said, ‘Esau, did +you saw the wood?’ and Esau said, ‘I saw +the wood but I didn’t saw it, for when I saw +the saw, I saw I couldn’t saw with that saw, +so I didn’t saw it.’ Then the old man went +out to see the saw, and when he saw the saw, +he saw that Esau couldn’t saw with that saw. +Now when Esau saw that the old man saw +that he couldn’t saw with that saw, he picked +up the ax, and chopped up the wood and made +a seesaw. The next day the old man went to +town and bought a new Buck-saw for Esau +Buck and when he came home he hung the +new Buck-saw for Esau Buck on the sawbuck, +by the seesaw. At this time Esau Buck saw +the old Buck eating cabbage in the garden, +and when driving him from the garden Esau +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_50'></a>50</span> +Buck stopped to examine the new Buck-saw +that hung on the sawbuck, by the seesaw. +Now when Esau stopped to examine the new +Buck-saw that hung on the sawbuck, by the +seesaw, the old Buck made a dive for Esau, +missed Esau, hit the seesaw, and knocked the +seesaw against Esau Buck, who was getting +up with the Buck-saw, which hung on the sawbuck, +by the seesaw. Now when the old man +saw the old Buck make a dive for Esau Buck, +miss Esau, hit the seesaw, and knock Esau +over the sawbuck, by the seesaw, he picked +up the ax to kill the old Buck, but the old +Buck saw him coming, dodged the blow, +knocked the old man on to Esau Buck, who +fell on the Buck-saw, over the sawbuck by +the seesaw. Now, when the old Buck saw +Esau Buck knock the old man over the sawbuck, +by the seesaw, and break the Buck-saw +and the sawbuck, and the seesaw, he went +into the garden and ate up the old man’s +cabbage.” You should have heard that crowd +cheer that kid; he had a big bouquet of +daisies. Pa said he ought to have had a whole +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_51'></a>51</span> +field for that piece of work. I liked one very +much that Millie Green read, it was called +“Naughty Zell.” Pa said it was the limit for +a saucy girl. Pa said it was the best he +ever heard, so here it is: “The other day, +Kep Elbert, that’s my beau, was goin’ to go +fishing on Soap Creek, and he said I could go +long too, if I would be real good, and not +scare the fishes, so we got up dest as early. +Kep thinks an awful lot of me, so he does, he +let me dig all the fish worms. I got mamma’s +milking-pail half-full of ’em—it’s lots of fun +to dig fish worms. I heard the old milkman +coming and I had to run like everything and +put the pail back quick, ’cause he might ask +Bridget for a pan and then she wouldn’t let +us go fishing. Bridget is awful mean—t’other +day she just up and slapped me ’cause I put +a toad in my grandmother’s bed, to see if she +wouldn’t scream like everything when she saw +it. I knew it wouldn’t bite her all the time, +so I did, but the man poured the milk in the +pail all right and I breathed easier again. I +had to dig a whole lot more, though, before +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_52'></a>52</span> +we went. First thing, we had our breakfast, +’cause we’se awful hungry, then I put the bait +on the hook, and Kepie fished. We had to +drink water out of Kep’s shoe—it didn’t have +but a teeny, weeny, little hole in the +toe—’cause I had to leave the pail at home. Kep +was awful cross, though, he wouldn’t let me +whisper for an hour—guess it was more than +two hours. I just had to keep a-biting my +tongue, atween my teeth, ’cause I wanted to +know so awful bad why he didn’t catch any. +I was kind of glad when a snake runned over +my bare foot, so I had to scream, and then +Kep said, ’twas no use a-trying to fish where +girls was. I guess Kep had a good time, but +I don’t think I care for fishin’ much, it’s too +much like Sunday school for me. My mamma +tells me when I’m naughty to tell Satan to +get behind me, and I did tell him, and he +pushed me right into the creek. I don’t think +I’ll tell him that no more, ’cause I had on my +best apron and stockings, and when I got +home, why, there was a lot of company there, +and mam’s face got awful red and everybody +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_53'></a>53</span> +didn’t say nothin’ for a long time, an’ then +pretty soon I heard an old man say, ‘H’m, +that young one is a regular torment, she needs +a rawhide to guide her for awhile;’ and I +said, ‘Oho, ol’ man, was that you a-talkin’? +You had not better get too smart around here, +I’ll fire you out bodily. Who do you think you +are talkin’ to, anyhow, ha? You old crank, +you!’ You bet I scared him, he never said no +more about me, you bet you. I don’t care, +he’s dead now, and I am glad. Would you +believe it, my mother sent me to bed without +my dinner. Don’t you think she did, I don’t +care, ’cause some day I’m going to die, then +she’ll wish she had been kinder to me when +I was just taking my own part, so she will—she +will too. I never stayed up there neither, +I run over to Nettie Bell’s house, and when +I came back, why, the company wasn’t gone +yet, and I said, ‘Mamma says city folks is +always coming here three times to her once, +and always staying all night, and the boys +have to sleep out in the barn,’ Then everybody +looked funny, and Mrs. Hull said, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_54'></a>54</span> +‘William, children and fools always speak the truth, +let’s go home at once,’ and I says, ‘No one +wants you here.’ Then mamma cried, and +papa laughed, and big brother Fred got a +big stick, but he didn’t catch me ’cause I run +awful fast, when I was going to get a licking. +I had to run outside into the yard and hid +under the rose-bushes, close to the hammock, +until they forgot. That’s where Mary and +Slicer does their sparking, an’ they don’t ‘low +us children round there neither, don’t you +think they do, and I knowed I either had to +hide under the rose-bush or skip, and what +do you think I did? I bet you can guess. I +hid under the rose-bush, so I could take notes, +’cause Kep thinks an awful lot of me, and why, +if we’d ever get big, why, an’ if we’d ever want +to spark any, and if Kep didn’t know how, +I’d know, but I couldn’t hear what they was +saying ’cause they never said nothing for a +long time, and then pretty soon they would be +a-talking just as low, and just as low, and +then pretty soon, Slicer said, ‘My Precious +Darling! I couldn’t in the world ever love +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_55'></a>55</span> +any one else but you,’ and then he gave her +a great big kiss, and she never said quit that, +or nothing, an’ I jumped right out and said, +‘That’s a great big fib, ’cause I saw you taking +another girl out riding on Soap Creek, so +I did,’ and he said, ‘You rattlesnake, where +do you spect to go for tellin’ such great, big +fibs, what ain’t so,’ and I said, ‘I don’t expect +to go to no place where you are, you old +smart crank. I just hate all men and boys +except my Dad, and Kep, so I do, that’s my +mind right now, see?’ Say, I know something, +something good, about some one. I +ain’t going to say who said it, but the one +that did don’t tell lies. ’Twasn’t so, though. +I was walking t’other day down-town when +I heard some one talking about me, and I +knew if I didn’t go back I’d never know, so +I went back, and some one what knows very +much said, ‘There goes the prettiest and +smartest girl in town,’ and that was me; just +’cause my Dad’s rich is no sign I am smart. +Why, my Dad’s got ever so much money, he +could just throw it away if he wanted to, but +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_56'></a>56</span> +he don’t want to. This is about the worsest +dress I got—’taint the very worsest, I guess +it’s about the best one I got, tho I can have +better dresses than this if I want ’em, but I +don’t want ’em, ’cause I have got better sense +than to want things I can’t get. I guess folks +think ’cause my ma dresses me up so nice that +they can get me to speak every place, but I +don’t ever want to speak, ’cause I don’t guess +they want to hear me, all the time. On Kep’s +birthday he had a great big party to his house, +and they got Kep to speak first, ’cause I guess +they wanted to save the best for the last, and +pretty soon they didn’t ask me to speak. I +know they wanted to hear me awful bad, but +they didn’t ask me, so pretty soon I said I +guessed I’d speak my piece now, and I did. +I guess everybody thought I spoke it awful +good. I didn’t hear no one say they did, but +I guess they did. I’ll speak a teeny, weeney +little bit of what I spoke at Kep’s birthday +party. I won’t speak all of it ’cause I guess +you don’t want to hear all of it. (Bows) I +know it but I can’t think of it—now I know: +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_57'></a>57</span> +‘Mary had a little wool,’—no, that isn’t it—‘Mary +had a little lamb, its wool was black +as dew’—oh, no—‘Mary fleeced a little +lamb,’ no (not as bad as that), ‘Mary had a +little lamb, its fleece was wool, and died.’ Oh, +I don’t know what Mary did have, boo-hoo.” +So ended that. Then a boy gave a monologue +called, “Every Little Bit Helps.” It was fine, +and was received with much applause and +laughter. +</p> +<div class='center'> +<p>EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS</p> +</div> +<p> +Did you see that old maid? Holly Gee, +isn’t she ancient? She belongs to a very old +family. Just think she is a cousin to Lydia +Pinkham, of Lynn, Mass., and a sister to +Josiah Allen’s wife. She’s looking for a man, +and I reckon she will have to look till she +gets on two pairs of glasses, and we have +sunsets in the east. Really she must feel like +shooting the shoots, when she sees all the +summer beaux, in Central Park. +</p> +<p> +Did you ever go fishing with dried apples +for bait? It beats the flies all to smithereens. +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_58'></a>58</span> +A boat and a bag of dried apples is all you +need. When you find plenty of fish, just +throw in a few handfuls of dried apples, and +the fish will gobble it up and then the dried +apples will swell and they will come up to the +surface to see the sun set in the north, and +wink at the stars, and you can pick them as +fast as strawberries in a cabbage patch. +</p> +<p> +I went to church last Sunday, and, as they +were short of teachers, they asked me to take +a class of boys. I tried to tell them about +Daniel in the lion’s den, and Alexander, the +coppersmith, etc., and then a boy began to +tell me the biggest lie I ever heard, and I +asked him if he didn’t know it was awfully +wicked to tell lies, and he said, “Didn’t you +ever tell a lie?” and I said, “No,” and he said, +“Great Caesar’s ghost! Won’t you be lonesome, +though, when you get up to heaven, +with no one but George Washington for company?” +</p> +<p> +I went to a reception the other night, and +was introduced to the great Prof. Bobs. “So +glad to meet you, old chap. They tell me, +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_59'></a>59</span> +Prof., you have mastered all tongues.” “Well, +all but my wife’s and her mother’s.” +</p> +<p> +I met Mr. Dooley on the street the other +day and he began to tell me a tale of woe, +and I said, “Now see here, cheer up, don’t +make mountains out of mole-hills.” “Well,” +said he, “that’s all right, but I knew a man +that made a whole barrel out of a bucket +shop.” +</p> +<p> +I went to a school exhibition the other day, +and the teacher said, “The class in ‘spasms’ +will recite,” so John Jones was asked to tell +what a straight was, and he said, “Just the +plain stuff with nothing in it.” Then the +teacher said, “If 32° is freezing-point, what +is squeezing-point?” and Johnny said, “2° in +the shade.” Then the teacher says, “Johnny, +how old are you?” and Johnny says, “I ain’t +but 12, but my pants are marked 16.” Then +Danny Jones was asked to give the positive, +comparative, and superlative of “sick.” +Danny—Sick, worse, dead. +</p> +<p> +Oh, say, Prof., what letter would you say +if your mother-in-law fell into the ocean? +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_60'></a>60</span> +(Prof.) “Well, I don’t know.” “Why, letter +B.” +</p> +<hr class='tb' /> +<p> +Pa and Levey said it was a howling success. +I had a fine spin in my automobile to-day. +I go out every day generally with Pa, +unless he wants to have his band along, then +I go by myself. Pa says we’ll go to the Empire +Races later on—I hope so, it’s great +sport to see a good live race between fine-built +autos. Makes one feel one’s a live wire, to +keep up. Levey Cohen has a new machine, +a Sparklet. It’s a new make, but Pa says it’s +the real goods. Ma says Pa always thinks +Levey is all right and so he is, bless his dear +heart. My birthday is soon coming and I +will have a big celebration. Pa says the district +attorneys are looking for whiskey within +four hundred feet of schoolhouses to get the +people to think they are doing something. +Pa says that’s a rummy way to get a living. I +guess Pa don’t think much of that kind of +popularity. Levey Cohen says a man can +find enough that will help the people, and +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_61'></a>61</span> +keep them busier, and not have such a bad +smell as whiskey. I hear politics discussed +nearly every day at dinner when Levey Cohen +dines here, that is if it’s on the Republican +side—Democrats are not allowed to talk in +our house. Ma, Levey Cohen, and I are good +Republicans, so, +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>Good night,</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>ELSIE.</p> +<h2><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_62'></a>62</span>LETTER IX</h2> +<p> +Now, little book, I am going on a trip to +Europe and this is my last letter till we come +back in October. Pa and Levey Cohen have +become personally interested in the queerest +boy I ever saw. He is fourteen years of age, +and a newsboy, from New York City, and +Coney Island. He has bright gleaming red +hair, large brown eyes, more freckles than +Dr. Woodbridge could ever count, and two +front teeth knocked down his throat in a fight +in which he says, for once, he got licked by +a Chink, which hurts his feelings more than +the lickin’. Pa got him a new suit and a hair +cut. You couldn’t tell where his hair began +and his face left off. Pa says, like good +whiskey, he will improve with age, and I +should hope he might. Up to now he has +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_63'></a>63</span> +slept in barrels and boxes mostly and never +had a human being kind to him in his life. +He’s got a common yellow dog named Teddy—he +said he wouldn’t come unless Pa adopted +Teddy, the dog, and Pa said there was room +for the dog, so when “Jimmy Jones” got that +letter he wired back to Pa saying: “Dear +Sir: Your offer accepted, quicker than instantly. +I telegraph you my answer, but I +expect to get there before the telegram does.” +He told the telegraph man to collect on the +other end, that was the end the money pot +was, and he sent the message, also the bill. +Pa said he had great hopes of “Jimmy,” after +he got that telegram. “Jimmy Jones” boards +with our gardener, and Pa had a nice room +fitted up for him, and when it was shown him +he looked at the bed all made up nice, and +white, and said: “Hully gee! what’s that? a +dining-table! Gosh, but ain’t it grand?” +When told it was a bed he said, “Gosh, I +couldn’t get on to that, I would soil the top +right off.” Pa told him after he had a bath +and was scrubbed off—which he didn’t like +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_64'></a>64</span> +at all—he was left to his first night’s rest +in a bed that he could remember. He told +Pa the next day that he could sleep a +hundred years and never want to wake up to the +bad world in that bed. He said he wondered +why people wanted to go home, but now he +said it was clear to his mind that they wanted +to just sleep in a nice comfortable bed. He +told every policeman he met to come and rest +their lamps on his bed, said it was good for +sore eyes, etc. Pa took Jimmy to Dr. Atwood +on Boylston Street to have two teeth put in on +a bridge. Jimmy didn’t like the process, but +he stood it fine; the gardener says he’s a +brave boy. Anyway, he looks better with the +teeth in. Before he looked for all the world +like that yellow kid boy I saw when I was a +very little girl, that was before Buster Brown +appeared in the Sunday papers. Pa says he +will let Jimmy learn to drive his automobile—thinks +he can learn in time, all but his +slang. I never heard such a string of slang +in all my life. The other day he was telling +the gardener about his summer at Coney +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_65'></a>65</span> +Island; I heard a part of what he said: “Yes, +Coney Island is de place where all de swells +go to dat tink they are swells. Hully gee! all +that is swell about them is their heads. They +are, all told, a rummy lot. Lots of times they +steal a paper or a shoe shine. Yes, I blacked +the President’s boots for him. Naw, not the +President of the United States of freedom, +but dis was a President of a peanut trust, he +gave me Mary a handful of his hot peanuts +and I don’t forget it, you bet your best hat. +I have sold papers to the elete of New York. +I can lick any kid on the Row. The policemen +never tells me to move on, now, they +know I’m de real ting, see? and a live wire. +They don’t let on they see me, half of de time, +’cause I know a lot of de monkey shines going +on and dey let me alone. I gits along wid +de push all right. I stand up for all de newsboys, +’cause dey will be all men some day, and +may even own a automobile. My! but dey +are de live ting, don’t dey hum and kick up +de dust, though. I sold papers for de sufferers +of de Cal earthquake, and I got a heap of +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_66'></a>66</span> +money. It would do your old lamps good to +have seen de pile I took in. I got ever so +much money—too much to count. I never +seed so much all to once in my whole life. I +most wish I had been killed in an earthquake, +bad as it was, and got a handful of dat dough. +I never kept a cent for myself, no sirree, I’m +honest if I am only ‘Jimmy’ de newsboy. +Dey all knows me in New York. I have found +good friends here, just tink, I am going to +school at night and git learning, so I can do +tings and propel a automobile. Hully gee! +you bet your last year’s top hat I’ll sit up +straight and go like de dickens, no snale +creeping for mine. I tink I will be a good +driver for that kind of a water wagern. De +Governor has a brass band on his wagern +and dat takes my blinkers and thinkers, most +awfully much. Hully gee! but the natives of +this town will stare when dey sees ‘Jimmy’ +go out for a spin up Tremont Street—dat’s +de toney street of Boston, ain’t it, Cap? Oh, +ye don’t tell me it’s Commonwealth Avenue, +dat is de swellest, is it? Well, I’ve heard of +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_67'></a>67</span> +Tremont Street and the Old Howard Theatre +and of Austin and Stone’s and that’s all I +know of Boston. I don’t read de papers much, +you see, ’cause I’se too busy selling ’em, but +now I am here and going to become a natural +sized sitizen of dis United States of Boston +America, why, cos I has to git on to de place +wid both feet. Now don’t scowl and find fault +wid me talk, for I let you say what ye like and +I’ll do the same, unless de cops git on to me +game and shut out me lights. I don’t tink I +will ever want to vote, ’cause ye have to wait +till yers are twenty-one and dat’s too long. I +can’t git old but a year at a leap, and any +furreigner can be natural and made a American +sitizen here just before each election and vote. +Some of dem get to be new natural Americans +every voting time, so I will stick to de automobile +and de papers, for my daily grub. +Well, course, if de Governor says I am to +keep shut up tight when I am on de box all +right, I can. I can tink and say so to myself, +quiet, so no one will hear me express myself +only in silence. Well, good-bye, I am goin’ +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_68'></a>68</span> +to try on me new suit the Governor sent me. +I will be a real Tremont Street swell sure’s +yer live.” +</p> +<hr class='tb' /> +<p> +Well, now Jimmy has disappeared and I will +just note that I am perfectly shocked at his +way of talking, but Pa and Levey Cohen both +says he is a diamond in the rough, and I do +hope they can polish off some of the rough +corners soon. Pa has always wanted to take +just such a character and tame him. Now +he has got the raw material and I shall be +waiting anxiously to see what comes up next. +Uncle Smith is coming soon and I expect +when he sees the boy Jimmy—well, Uncle +Smith will say words I won’t write. I can +hear that Jimmy talking yet with the gardener, +that is, Jimmy is talking and the gardener +just listening. I will put down what I can +hear: “Say, Harvard College is a swell place +I guess. I have read in de papers dis mornin’ +dat dey want twenty million dollars to make +de place solid. Gee whiz! what do dey do +wid all de money dey gets? I know a lot of +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_69'></a>69</span> +dem Harvard fellows; in New York dey always +gives a fellow a few extra pennies and +dinner, on holidays. I likes dem Harvard +fellows ’cause dey has got a generous vein +in der hand. Guess dey are taught to be +generous to us kids in college, dat’s why dey +need so much money to carry dem along. +Say, wouldn’t you like to get your lamps on +twenty million dollars all in one bunch? +Don’t it make ye faint to think of it? Gives +me a hungry pain in de left side of me liver. +Say, Mr. Gardner, dat waking suit of yourn +(scuse me for saying so) in New York would +be called loud enough for a talking machine +reckord. Say, I’se got a best girl, I has. +She’s a cracker jack; she’s got the beautifullest +hair yer ever saw. It’s a high-toned +shade; they call it ashes and roses, but I don’t +see why, but they do. Her eyes are violet, +oh, so find. Hully gee! but they snap when +she gits mad. She boxed my ears one day +’cause I tried to kiss her. She got awful mad +and threw a wash-tub at my head, but I +dodged it and it went plunk into a big +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_70'></a>70</span> +policeman who was stooping down to look into a +barroom window. Peg said it served him +right for snooping, but she run like anything +and so did I, and when de policeman got up +we war way off. He took de wash-tub wid +him, but no one saw any one fire it, so it was +never reclaimed. Peg said the tub cost a dollar +and twenty-five cents and if she claimed +it, why, she was likely to get pinched, and +get thirty days, so she said the policeman was +welcome to de tub; said she bet a button de +next time dat policeman stooped down to look +at anything he would hire a man to watch +behind him. Oh, I tell you what, de papers +are all de time having excitement. Why don’t +all de people go to Sunday school and be +good? If dey would de papers would be put +out of biz. Dey are watching all de time +for de man or womans dat do wicked. All +de good ones are never spoken of except when +dey die, and den only a few lines way back in +de paper in small print, but let a man give a +lot of money like some fellows rocks I heard +of, and dey will put de heading in capital +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_71'></a>71</span> +letters, a little bigger den de common readin’, +den you notice dat de oil we use to feed our +lamps on goes up, perhaps only a quarter of +a cent, but if you can get a few billion quarter +of cents together all to once it would buy a +good many turkeys for Thanksgiving. Say, +mister, Christmas and Thanksgiving are de +only two days in de year I can git full. Naw, +I don’t mean full of liquor. (I never drink +anyting but milk and cold water.) I mean +get full of grub, wid all de good tings de rich +people has. Wouldn’t I like to be rich? No, +I don’t tink money is all dare is, but it is a +whole lot to fill in wid. A pocket full of +greenbacks would make me feel better than +a pocket full of emptiness with a big appetite. +Say, mister, I can sing and dance to beat the +cars. I singed ‘De Pride of Newspaper Row,’ +last winter in New York and I got an applecore +to sing another verse. Ought to be +encore? They said I did fine. Say, mister, +if you saw an automobile coming down the +street at sixty miles an hour and a deaf man +crossing the street, what’s the answer? Not +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_72'></a>72</span> +yet, but soon! Did you hear about the new +Irishman over to East Boston last week? +Well, Mike McCarthy told me about it. He +said he and Pat Murphy was working on Mr. +Smith’s house, the one that married Mary +Jones, of Salem, and Pat was working on the +roof when all of a sudden the staging broke +and Pat slipped and slid, till at the very edge +he caught on to the tin gutter and hung in the +air, six stories from the ground. Mike and +the other yelled to Pat to hold on till they +got something to catch him in. In a couple +of minutes they had a big canvas sheet by the +corners and told Pat to drop into the canvas, +and Pat cried: ‘How in the devil can I let go +when it’s all I can do to hold on?’ Oh, did +yer hear the one about Pat and the ants? +Well, Pat, after eating his lunch, lay down +under a tree to get forty winks before the +whistle for one o’clock blew and he layed on +top of an ants’ nest, which he didn’t dream of, +but pretty soon the whole ant family came out +to see what kind of a lobster was in their +yard, so they crawled all over Pat and bit +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_73'></a>73</span> +him to see if he was good eating, etc., and +pretty soon Pat brushed them off and went +to sleep again as best he could. They all +came for another look at Pat, and he brushed +them all off again, till bime by a big spider +dropped on Pat’s bald head and bit him +good. That was enough for Pat. He got up +and said: ‘Now, then, all of yers get off.’ Did +you hear about Mr. Burbank’s Jersey cow? +Well, a vishus dog bit off her tail so she +looked so funny that Burbank concluded to fat +her and sell her for beef, so in four months +she was in prime order and he took her to +the stock yard to sell her, but when the man +saw her he said, ‘Mr. Burbank, we don’t retail +any cows here.’ Oh, did you hear the +description of Noah’s wife? Well, the +minister read that Noah took unto himself a wife; +her hight was three hundred cubits, her +breadth fifty cubits, made of Gopher wood, +pitched within and without with pitch. He +looked rather surprised as he read on, then +paused, and in a solemn voice said, ‘’Tis true, +we are fearfully and wonderfully made.’ +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_74'></a>74</span> +(Some bad boys had pasted the leaves +together, hence the good old man’s surprise.) +Oh, say, mister, I know a real funny piece +about balls. Ever hear it? Well, here it is. +I went to the newsboys’ ball in New York +last spring given by Mr. Frank Ball, of Chicago. +I know of several kinds, for instance, +there are snow balls, foot balls, rubber balls, +rifle balls, base balls, cartridge balls, cannon +balls, basket balls, croquet balls, Ping Pong +balls, pool balls, fish balls, billiard balls, +tennis balls, bowling balls, camphor balls, and +some policeman bawls, and if you miss hearing +me bawl you will want to eat some raw +dough balls to make you remember to go to +our ball next year, sir.” +</p> +<p> +Good night, I’m twenty-three for bed. +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>ELSIE.</p> +<div><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_75'></a>75</span></div> +<h2><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_76'></a>76</span>LETTER X</h2> +<p> +Now, little book, I am feeling a little too +proud, I expect, for Pa is going to take us all +over to London in his new air-ship. It’s called +the Margaret, and she looks like a couple of +large cigars tied together. Pa made a +scientific combination of steel and aluminum, +which, with some secret liquid added, makes +the lightest and strongest metal ever +produced. The whole ship, with all its apparatus +for a trip across the ocean, only weighs one +thousand pounds and will carry six hundred +pounds. We will start at nine o’clock +Monday, and we expect to be in London by +Wednesday eve, at ten P. M., so I will stop +for a little till we are on board. I will write +on board if we don’t rock too much. I hope +we don’t go to the bottom of the sea, that’s +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_77'></a>77</span> +all. We are to have a wireless telegraph to +let the people know how we get on. No one +knows when we are to start, or where, +because it got into the papers that the trip was +to be made, and many would gather to see +us start, but Pa says no, he wants to be far +away before any one knows it, and I guess +it is better so, too. Pa is calling, so I must +run to see what he wishes. +</p> +<hr class='tb' /> +<p> +4 P. M., Tuesday. My goodness, we are +skimming over the top of the ocean like a +large white bird. My, but this is the most +beautiful trip I ever had. We are sailing +about two hundred feet up above the water, +Pa thinks; he hasn’t asked the captain to be +sure, but it is glorious. We have passed several +steamers and they saluted with all their +power. We waved the Stars and Stripes to +them in reply, and sent a message that we +were going fine, and without any hitching. +We have heard from Boston and will soon +have a message from the King. A big reception +is to be given to us, but I dread that, for +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_78'></a>78</span> +our luggage had to go over by steamer, and +although it was sent a week ahead, if it don’t +arrive when we do I guess we won’t be much +to be seen. My, how grand the sun is, and +the moon and stars, when you are up above +the earth some ways. The ocean is a dream +of delight to look upon. Pa planned to come +when the moon was full so we could see all +the wonderful beauty of sea and sky. No +tongue or pen could ever fully describe this +journey. We have sailed along as smooth as +any one could wish. Ma is delighted. She +said she was just frightened to death, but felt +it her duty to come if Pa went to kill +himself, and Levey Cohen and I—that she +Couldn’t live without us, so she was willing to +die too. I don’t think she is bothering much +about dying by the way she is laughing with +Levey Cohen. I have to write now or when +we land I would forget half of the fun we are +having. Pa says a big crowd is waiting to +meet us in London. I wonder where Pa will +keep this machine when we get to London, +probably it will be kept on the top of some +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_79'></a>79</span> +automobile garage. Pa don’t say; I bet he +don’t have any idea where it will be kept. +We seem to be attracting a great deal of +attention. Why, I don’t think this is such a +wonderful thing because Pa did it. Pa is +a wonderful man, but when you live with +such a wonderful man I guess you forget a +good deal about the wonderful part till you +hear other people say so. We don’t eat as +much up here as when we are on earth, +because we are nearer heaven, and are looking +up and thinking of higher things than material +eating. My, how fast we go, the clouds fly +by and we go right through them like +everything. They seem to fly like the trees and +fields in an automobile race. I don’t care if +we don’t ever stop, or come down. I could +go on forever like this. Jimmy went over in +the steamer with the luggage. Pa says we +will land now in a few hours. Pa had a band +made by phonographs, so we have had music, +and Ma brought the pol parrot. He has heard +Jimmy talk and to-day he has shouted several +times what Jimmy said when his steamer went +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_80'></a>80</span> +out. “Hully gee, don’t git drownded.” I +don’t think we will, but it would be an awful +drop if we did bust up; however, I don’t feel +afraid now any more. Huray! we can see +London. Pa says it’s a fine sight. The stars +bright and the moon like a big golden ball in +the sky, and all London lighted up. They +have sighted our ship, for I can hear their +bells ringing. +</p> +<p> +Well, we are on the good earth once more. +We had a fine greeting and this afternoon we +will look over London a bit. We are to be +presented at Court, and I don’t know what +all. I have seen the Shontworths. They are +still here and made much of. We have our +trunks and now we can go out and look and +feel well groomed. Jimmy was so glad to +see us safe and sound he forgot to use slang +for once. Pa and Levey was pleased enough, +but it didn’t last, for soon he got into a fight +with a London newsboy and it took a policeman +to separate them. Jimmy told the +English newsboy that “America was de onliest +place fit to live in on earth,” and naturally +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_81'></a>81</span> +the English boy resented it, so it was a free +fight to settle the matter. As the policeman +dragged those boys apart Jimmy screamed +to the top of his voice, “America ahead, by +thunder!” Pa made Jimmy promise to be +good else he would send him back on the +next ship. I guess he will; he felt cheap to +think he was caught in a street fight, as soon +as he landed, nearly. Jimmy means all right, +but he has a queer way of showing it, his fists +seem to be his most familiar mode of +expressing internal feelings. +</p> +<hr class='tb' /> +<p> +Well, I have been presented to a real live +King and Queen. It was rather a trying +thing, after all, so different from home, but +we liked it, as it’s the fashion. We have been +invited to several affairs and Pa delivered a +talk before the King and Queen and the Royal +House about his air ship. To-morrow he is +to take the King and Queen out for a short +sail. It seems strange, to talk about sailing +through the air, but it is so, and I reckon air +ships will become somewhat popular; but Pa +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_82'></a>82</span> +says most people will rather dangle their feet +in the water in a boat than take chances in +sailing in an air ship. It is majestic to sail +through the air like a big bird, I think. +</p> +<hr class='tb' /> +<p> +Well, here we are in Spain and we have +been presented to Spain’s King and Queen. +Pa won’t display his air ship here. We are +to stay only ten days, then return back to +London for our homeward trip. We shall +stay in Liverpool some weeks, I expect, as +Pa has a cousin there who is crazy about air +ships, so Pa will stay with them and I +expect he and Pa will plan another wonder. +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_83'></a>83</span> +</p> +<h2><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_84'></a>84</span>LETTER XI</h2> +<p> +Well, dear little book, nine busy and happy +months have passed since I have been able +to find you. I have lots more stories to put +down when I get time, but I will only record +the one that seems to me most wonderful to-day. +Pa has had the most wonderful success +with his air ship, but I somehow cling pretty +strongly to earth and my dear old darling +Franklin car. She’s a beauty and just as fine +as ever, and I like her better every day. She +is like a dear friend, the more you know their +beautiful traits of character the more you love +them, and that’s the way with my Franklin—a +royal friend, proved solid, true and loyal—what +more could one ask of an automobile. +Pa says Jimmy is getting on fine in his studies. +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_85'></a>85</span> +He is learning to be a valued boy for Pa, and +his nameless wonder. The only trouble with +Jimmy is that he wants the band going all the +time, and he to dance. Pa asked him how he +expected to dance and motor both at the same +time, but he will; he will dance and hop and +keep his hands on the wheel. It’s a funny +sight. +</p> +<p> +Well, what I started out to say was that +“Jimmy Jones” has a newspaper record. His +picture was in the paper and he got dozens +of them and had them all pinned up all over +our private garage last Sunday week. We +had an awful, awful thunder-storm and Jimmy +was in the garage with Teddy, the yellow +dog. Well, all of a sudden an awful flash +of lightning came and the thunder was so +loud that we were all most stunned. Jimmy +declared it clean knocked him off his pins. A +few seconds after the flash and thunder was +over Jimmy noticed a ball the size of a large +orange and about the same color, bobbing +against the window pane, like a grampa longlegs +in summer. Jimmy said it crackled and +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_86'></a>86</span> +sputtered like anything, as it bobbed against +the pane, like a rubber ball. When he opened +the window the ball bounced into the room +and floated about the room like a balloon. +Jimmy grabbed the broom used to sweep the +garage, and struck at it. He hit it several +times, but it would bound off again, but at +last the blow went home and the ball busted, +and hundreds of the most beautiful stones I +ever saw fell on the floor. Jimmy ran for +Pa and we all went out to see the wonder—which +was a wonder. A note was found +written in French, saying the Ball and Jewels +were from the Planet Jupiter; that the people +were men very like us, only they were all +golden blonds, both men and women, and that +they all spoke the French language; that +they had had automobiles and air ships for +over five thousand years, and that their best +speeder was the Franklin touring car; said +the roads were smooth and level, and that +they were just natural; that they had been +watching this world for a long time, and said +we were getting on; said Jupiter had many +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_87'></a>87</span> +more men than women, and would like to +send some of them here, perhaps they could +in 2906, also that precious stones were as +thick on Jupiter as fleas are here in haying-time; +that the ball of jewels sent was shot +out of a lightning cannon, which they hoped +would shoot far enough to reach this earth; +said if it wasn’t back in six months, they +would know some one got it; said the jewels +were the finest, but not so expensive there as +here, because there they are very plentiful; +said the “Man from Now” once lived in +Jupiter and they kicked him out, that’s how +he was showing around Boston; said there +was a man who spent heaps of Jupiter Globe +funds and declared he was a brother to +Fitzgerald here; said automobiles don’t kill the +people in Jupiter because they can all fly, and +get out of the way; said they would make it +very homelike for any Boston schoolmarms +that want husbands; said there were no rum-shops +up there (some people of Boston would +have to get a new job that are saloon +hunters); that the Golden Rule was all the +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_88'></a>88</span> +religion they needed, and was signed “Weston +Franklin,” the maker of the noted Franklin +Automobile. +</p> +<p> +When Jimmy was telling the gardener about +it he said, “Hully gee, how am I to let dose +guys know I got de rocks, de Governor says +dey are worth a big pile of dough here and he +will sell them and invest de money and I will +have to study hard and be a man. Golly, does +he tink I am a cow? I don’t care. I wouldn’t +know what to do with de money, so de Governor +might des as well keep it for me. I +will go up to Jubator myself some day when +dey gits de air ships going safe. I didn’t ever +expect to see de one dat went ober across de +pond, a few months ago, but it came down +safe and all on board. Yes, I’m getting along +fine on de automobile. I can run it all right +but I can’t keep me feet still when I hear dat +band of de Governor’s, though. Say, dat’s a +peach you bet yer boots. It’s a hummer. I +reckon de Franklin car is de best on de street. +Now dey has it on de planet Jubator all de +swells will have one here; it will be more de +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_89'></a>89</span> +rage dan ever before. Miss Elsie, she says +she always felt it was de best one, and she +knows what’s good. Yes, I will turn in now. +Good night.” +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_90'></a>90</span> +</p> +<h2><span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_91'></a>91</span>LETTER XII</h2> +<p> +“Jimmy” has been relating more of his +troubles to the gardener. Last night it was +so unusual that I will record it, as he seems +to be a part of our life in a way. Pa and +Levey Cohen say he is naturally a good +foundation to build on—and they must know. +“Say, Mr. Gardner, what you tink, de boys +are calling me Mr. Jones, since de Governor +sold dem rocks and got fifty thousand dollars +for de lump, and I have had my picture in de +Boston ‘American.’ Say Hearst is a pretty +good man; he would be all right if he was +a Republican, but Dick says he’s on de wrong +side of de pump in politics. Anyway he +treated me white—made a very decent picture +of me. It looks a sight better any day, +than I does, Peg says, and she has good eyes, +she has. Well, as I was saying, fancy me +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_92'></a>92</span> +being called Mr. Jones. Hully gee, it made me +sick to me stomach. I wonder if de push +tinks I am going to swell up and bust ’cause +I’ve got a few dollars now? I ain’t seen it, +de Governor says I’se got it, all right, but I +don’t feel no different than I did before, +except I have de faith dat if I gets a college +ice once a week I won’t miss de five cents +when I needs a pair of shoes, or a handkerchief. +Say, mister, I notices some charge ten +cents for dem college ices. I had one what +cost ten cents de other week and ’tween you +and me I couldn’t see a might of difference +in de two, except de price. Dick says I’m +like de Irishman. Said all de taste I had was +in me mouth. I’ve got on fine at de night +school—de teachers say I must drop my +slang, but, hully gee! I don’t use any slang, +much. I told de Professor to go oil his lamps, +and he got mad and kept me after school. +I be hanged if I notice that I use much slang. +Wouldn’t it bust de buttons off your vest how +perticular some folks be? Hully gee! I don’t +want to be mean, nor nothing, but I must +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_93'></a>93</span> +have time to git my own lamps trimmed, +’cause I’se always had to bump up against it +hard, ever since I was born. I would like +awful well if I could run up on de silver rays +of de moon to dat planet Jubator; it must be +a fine place up dare. Just tink, no rivers, and +seas, to git drownded in, just deep wells, +thick as peas in a pod, but no boats, or ships. +Hully gee! only land, land everywhere. I +would feel lonesome without de oder of de +Charles River here. Sometimes it smells +pretty bad, but I could even stand that than +no smell at all. Oh, I want to tell yer before +I forgit it. I went out in de country last +night with Dick, to see his granny what lives +out to Salem Willows. Well, they have a +little patch of land there behind the house +and Dick’s granny keeps a few hens, and she +had some nice custards in old cups and we +had a feast, let me tell you. Dick’s granny +keeps a goat, and a male sheep with big +horns. He’s an awful ugly cuss, and we saw +ample proof of his ugliness. Dick went out to +feed him and he broke his chain and came for +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_94'></a>94</span> +Dick lickety slap bang and bunted Dick all +over the yard. He tried to get up, but every +time he moved the old he sheep would draw +back and knock him down. He kept him there +for more than an hour, I guess. Last his +granny missed him and went to the door and +Dick yelled for me to come out and drive +the old he sheep off. I got the poker and +went for Mr. Sheep. I gave him a good clip +over his nose and he didn’t feel like bunting +any more; then I turned to Dick and said, +‘Button, button, who got the button?’ and +Dick said, ‘Well, if you had been here when +I first came out you would have seen plain +enough who it was.’ Then we came back +home and Dick says he’s no friend to that +he sheep any more. I don’t blame him at all. +That he sheep ought to have had more sense, +but he didn’t. Dat he sheep seemed to have +a heap of respect for me after I gave him a +rap over his nose. I reckon he would have +called me Mr. Jones, if he could talk, with +the accent on the Mr. +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_95'></a>95</span> +</p> +<p> +“The Governor told me if I wanted to get +ahead I must get the bulldog grip. I told +him I never seed one, and he said, ‘Jimmy, +didn’t you ever see an old maid in the country +set the bulldog on a tramp and see with what +a grip the dog held on to the seat of the +tramp’s trousers as he tried to get over the +fence?’ I said I had, and he said that was +what a bulldog grip means. Just get a strong, +good hold and hang on. He said the Mason’s +grip wasn’t so strong; said I ought to see a +Mason ride the lodge goat. He said it was +more fun to see the other fellow do it than to +ride yourself.” +</p> +<p> +We are planning for the Automobile Magazine +Cup race. The cup is a stunner; it cost +five thousand dollars, the most unique cup +ever offered for a race. Pa says I can enter +my Franklin Flyer as I am set on it so much. +Levey Cohen says I’ll win, so does Jimmy. +I hope I do, then folks would have to say +a girl can do some things, too, as well as boys +and men. +</p> +<p> +Oct. 15, 1907. Say, but I am excited, for I +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_96'></a>96</span> +have won the race. Fifteen hundred miles +with not one bad mark—a perfect score for +a kid is rather good, I think. I feel more +pleased than I can tell. They had a plate +made with brilliants that spelled “Franklin, +Model G,” and put on to the space left for +the name in the cup. It’s a dandy, let me tell +you that. Jimmy Jones yelled himself sick +shouting for the Franklin at the end of the +tournament when the trophy was awarded. +He said it took a live fish to go up stream +and the Franklin car was it. I never saw a +boy so crazy before. He said he would like +to see the maker of the Franklin car President +of the United States, but I told him I guessed +he would rather turn out fast cars than to be +president of anything but his own company. +There’s only one President ever got rich while +sitting in the Presidential chair and he ought +to have been in better business, Pa says. +Jimmy says we have a bully President now, +and I guess that’s right, anyway, Pa and +Levey Cohen say so, and they know. +Jimmy was telling our gardener more yarns +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_97'></a>97</span> +and I will write what I can hear: “Say, mister, +wouldn’t de new style of trousers put a feller +on de bum, though? I never seed such big +wide trousers. Be gosh, I believe dey are +trying to git skirts on to de men. When I +put me new suit on de Governor got me last +week, I thought it looked mighty queer, yet +I never gave it much thought till Peg got +her peepers on them. She jest hollowed and +she says, ‘Git on to de dude, trying to be a +womens; almost petticoats,’ says she, ‘not +yet but soon. See de crease warble when +ye walks. Hully gee! Jimmy, if yese can +walk and keep dat crease straight de cops +will pull yese in for talking too much boose. +Ye will walk like a streak of greased lightning +to keep up wid ye pants, bet ye life, it +will be more work for ye than for a womens +to keep her hat on straight, see?’ Well, I +did see, and I asked de Governor to send dem +to de dressmakers and git de seam took in, +but de Governor said, ‘Jimmy, dat’s de style,’ +but I says, ’Scuse me, sir, but I want me +pants to look like they were cut for me and +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_98'></a>98</span> +not for John L. Sullivan.’ Peg says all de +swell guys look like a pole wid de cloth +draped on to cover up dar slimness. Now +what I want to know is what de fat man can +do wid all dat extra cloth around his pegs. +He will look like he was sent for and didn’t +come at all. De tailor what made dat style +must have been down East somewhere, perhaps +down to Wonderland or Lynn, and got +too many drinks, so he thought everyting +went, even to de cloth for de trousers. I +don’t know whether he gits his money by +de week or per. Oh, I saw dat fine actor, +Mr. Edmund Breese, in de ‘Lion and de +Mouse.’ Say, dat Breese man is a peach. He +is mighty good actor, mister. I wish you +would go and see him. Peg says she wishes +I could make love like he can on de stage. +She says she saw him at de Castle Square, +Boston, and he was de handsomest lover on +de stage—so de papers said, but you see I +ain’t it for polished manners. De Governor +says I’ve got to watch out all de time so not +to git throwed down. I am doing the best +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_99'></a>99</span> +I can to stand on both me pins at once, but +it must be mighty find to be really born a +gentleman like Mr. Breese. He bought a +paper of me several times when he was at +de Park Theatre and he’s a good sort, all +right. Got lots of good sense in his head, +and he’s popular. Oh, I say, mister, did you +ever hear one of them vaudeville fellows what +talks down in his boots and then yer think +somebody’s under the stage, or in a trunk, or +something awful. I mean one of them ventriloquists. +Well, mister, I have seen ’em all +from Dan Harrington to dat English chap +what dey call Charlie Prince, but dey can’t +any of dem fellows hold a candle to Harry +Kane. Kane he styles hisself on de bill at +de theatre. He does de best act wid dem +dummies I ever seed. Peg says all de others +are dead slow, but Kane makes his Irishman +mighty mad at de nigger boy he has. Dat +Irish doll boy nearly gits alive, really, mister, +he is so mad at being near a nigger. Gosh, +I never seed such a fight as dey gits into. +Makes ye wish you could go right down on +<span class='pagenum pncolor'><a id='page_100'></a>100</span> +de stage and give dat black nigger a big +punch in de eye, so if ye wants to see a +good A1 ventriloquist see Kane. Say, you will +miss me gab ’cause de Governor has given +me three weeks’ vacation. Me salary goes +on just the same. I feel like a bank clerk or +a cashier of a swell bank. So long, now, till +Christmas, which is not yet, but soon.” +</p> +<p> +I reckon I’ll say good night, too, little book, +for my eyes are heavy with sleep. +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>ELSIE.</p> +<div class='center'> +<p>THE END.</p> +</div> +<p> + <br /> + <br /> + <br /> +</p> +<div class='center'> +<p>TESTIMONIAL</p> +</div> +<p> +I am a pupil of the International Correspondence +School of Scranton, Pa., in Complete Advertising, +and am very much pleased +with their course of instruction. It is plain, +thorough, and meets every need of the student. +I am sure it’s the “Open Sesame” to +a successful business life if one is in earnest +and willing to study. Study is the only password +to success. This school is a mighty +ally with one when willing to work to reach +the very top of the tree of knowledge, and +have a part in the world of successful men +and women. The prizes in life are only for +those that work for them, and I am heartily +in the race, and advise earnestly any one wishing +to gain knowledge and position, to come +with us. Your highest ambition can be attained +if you will only work, and the teachers +of this school will show you how and aid you +in your desire to better yourself, and the +world, by your work. +</p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>A grateful student, </p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>ETHELLYN GARDNER, </p> +<p style='text-align:right; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;'>Author of “The Letters of the Motor Girl.”</p> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Letters of the Motor Girl, by Ethellyn Gardner + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LETTERS OF THE MOTOR GIRL *** + +***** This file should be named 36280-h.htm or 36280-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/2/8/36280/ + +Produced by Roger Frank + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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