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diff --git a/36277-8.txt b/36277-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..030c5e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/36277-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7364 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Piccadilly, by Laurence Oliphant + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Piccadilly + A Fragment of Contemporary Biography + +Author: Laurence Oliphant + +Illustrator: Richard Doyle + +Release Date: June 1, 2011 [EBook #36277] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PICCADILLY *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + + PICCADILLY + + A FRAGMENT OF CONTEMPORARY BIOGRAPHY + + BY LAURENCE OLIPHANT + + + WITH _EIGHT ILLUSTRATIONS BY RICHARD DOYLE_ + + ELEVENTH EDITION + + WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS + EDINBURGH AND LONDON + MDCCCXCII + + _This Work originally appeared in 'Blackwood's Magazine,' + and has been since revised and altered by the Author._ + + + "Some make love in poetry, + And some in--Piccadilly." + + --PRAED. + + + "FAITHFUL.--'I say, then, in answer to what Mr Envy hath + spoken, I never said aught but this, That what rule, or laws, + or customs, or people, were flat against the Word of God, are + diametrically opposed to Christianity. If I have said amiss in + this, convince me of my error, and I am ready here, before you + all, to make my recantation.'"--BUNYAN'S 'Pilgrim's Progress.' + + +[Illustration] + + + + +PREFACE. + + +Five years have elapsed since the following pages were penned, and +periodically issued, under an impulse which seemed at the time +irresistible. I found myself unable, by any conscious act of volition, +to control either the plot or the style. Nor from my present point of +view do I particularly admire either the one or the other. At the same +time, I have reason to hope that the republication of this sketch now, +with all its defects, is calculated to do more good than harm to the +society it attempts to delineate. + +This conviction must be my apology for again forcing upon the public a +fragment so hostile to it in tone and spirit. I would reiterate the +observation made elsewhere in the work, that none of the characters are +intended to represent any members of society who were then, or are now, +alive. + + +[Illustration] + + + + +CONTENTS. + + +I. LOVE + +II. MADNESS + +III. SUICIDE + +IV. THE WORLD + +V. THE FLESH + +VI. THE "----" + +CONCLUSION--MORAL + + + + +PICCADILLY. + + + + +PART I. + +LOVE. + + + PICCADILLY, _2d February 1865_. + +In a window, a few doors from Cambridge House, the following placard +some time since invited, apparently without much effect, the notice of +the passers-by,--"To let, this desirable family mansion," After a +considerable period the "desirable family" seem to have been given up in +despair, and the words vanished from the scene; but the board in the +window, beginning "to let" remained, while the "mansion" itself was +converted upon it into "unfurnished chambers." + +As, in the words of that "humble companion," whose life was rendered a +burden to her by my poor dear mother, "Money was not so much an object +as a comfortable home," I did not hesitate to instal myself in the first +floor, which possessed the advantage of a bay-window, with a double sash +to keep out the noise, together with an extensive view of Green Park, +and a sailor without legs perpetually drawing ships upon the opposite +pavement, as a foreground. My friend Lord Grandon, who is an Irish peer +with a limited income, took the floor above, as I was desirous of +securing myself against thumping overhead; moreover, I am extremely fond +of him. When I say that the position which I enjoy socially, is as well +adapted for seeing life as the locality I selected for my residence, +most of my more fashionable readers will intuitively discover who I am; +fortunately, I have no cause to desire to maintain an incognito which +would be impossible, though, perhaps, I ought to explain the motives +which induce me now to bring myself even more prominently before the +public than I have been in the habit of doing. + +Sitting in my bay-window the other evening, and reading the 'History of +Civilisation,' by my late lamented friend Mr Buckle, it occurred to me +that I also would write a history of civilisation--after having seen the +world, instead of before doing so, as was the case with that gifted +philosopher. Having for many years past devoted myself to the study of +my fellow-men in all countries, I thought the time had come when I +could, with profit to myself and the world, give it the benefit of my +extended experience and my quick observation. No sooner had I arrived at +this determination, than with characteristic promptitude I proceeded to +put it into execution; and singular though it may appear, it was not +until then that I found myself quite incompetent to carry out the vast +project I had undertaken. The reason was at once apparent--I had seen +and thought too much; and was in the position which my predecessor had +failed to reach, of experimentally discovering that the task was beyond +the human power of accomplishment. Not easily vanquished, I then thought +of subdividing it, and dealing exclusively with a single branch of +civilisation. Mr Thomas Taylor Meadows, thought I, has written a very +elaborate chapter upon the progress of civilisation as regarded from a +Chinese point of view, why should not I look upon it from a purely +Piccadillean?--so I immediately looked at it. The hour 11 P.M.; a long +string of carriages advancing under my windows to Lady Palmerston's; +rain pelting; horses with ears pressed back, wincing under the storm; +coachmen and footmen presenting the crowns of their hats to it; streams +running down their waterproofs, and causing them to glitter in the +gaslight; now and then the flash of a jewel inside the carriages; +nothing visible of the occupants but flounces surging up at the windows, +as if they were made of some delicious creamy substance, and were going +to overflow into the street; policemen in large capes, and if I may be +allowed the expression, "helmetically" sealed from the wet, keeping +order; draggled women on foot "moving" rapidly on. The fine ladies in +their carriages moving on too--but not quite so fast. + +This Piccadillean view of the progress of civilisation suggested to me +many serious reflections; among others, that if I intended to go to +Cambridge House myself, the sooner I went to dress the better. Which way +are we moving? I mused, as I made the smallest of white bows immediately +over a pearl stud in my neck. I gave up the "history" of civilisation. I +certainly can't call it "the progress" of civilisation; that does all +very well for Pekin, not for London. Shall I do the Gibbon business, and +call it "the decline and fall" of civilisation?--and I absently thrust +two right-hand gloves into my pocket by mistake, and scrambling across +the wet pavement into my brougham, drove in it the length of the file +and arrived before I had settled this important question. + +While Lady Veriphast, having planted me _en tête-à-tête_ in a remote +corner, was entertaining me with her accustomed vivacity, I am conscious +of having gazed into those large swimming eyes with a vacant stare so +utterly at variance with my usual animated expression, that she said at +last, rather pettishly, "What _are_ you thinking about?" + +"Civilisation," I said, abruptly. + +"You mean Conventionalism," she replied; "have you come to the +conclusion, as I have, that all conventionalism is vanity?" + +"No; only that it is 'vexation of spirit;' that is the part that belongs +to us--we leave the 'vanity' to the women." + +"Dear me, I never heard you so solemn and profound before. Are you in +love?" + +"No," I said; "I am thinking of writing a book, but I don't see my way to +it." + +"And the subject is the Conventionalism which you call civilisation. +Well, I don't wonder at your looking vacant. You are not quite up to it, +Lord Frank. Why don't you write a novel?" + +"My imagination is too vivid, and would run away with me." + +"Nothing else would," she said, laughing; "but if you don't like +fiction, you can always fall back upon fact; be the hero of your own +romance, publish your diary, and call it 'The Experiences of a Product +of the Highest State of Civilisation.' Thus you will be able to write +about civilisation and yourself at the same time, which I am sure you +will like. I want some tea, please; do you know you are rather dull +to-night?" And Lady Veriphast walked me into the middle of the crowd, +and abandoned me abruptly for somebody else, with whom she returned to +her corner, and I went and had tea by myself. + +But Lady Veriphast had put me on the right track: why, I thought as I +scrambled back again from my brougham across the wet pavement to my +bay-window, should I not begin at once to write about the civilisation +of the day? 'The Civilisation of the British Isles, as exhibited in +Piccadilly, a Fragment of Contemporaneous Biography,' that would not be +a bad title; people would think, if I called it a biography, it must be +true; here I squared my elbows before a quantity of foolscap, dipped my +pen in the ink, and dashed off the introduction as above. + +Next morning I got up and began again as follows: Why should I commit +the ridiculous error of supposing that the incidents of my daily life +are not likely to interest the world at large? Whether I read the diary +of Mr Pepys, or of Lady Morgan--whether I wade through the Journal of Mr +Evelyn, or pleasantly while away an hour with the memoirs of "a Lady of +Quality," I am equally struck with this traditional practice of the +bores and the wits of society, to write at length the records of their +daily life, bottle them carefully up in a series of MS. volumes, and +leave them to their grandchildren to publish, and to posterity to +criticise. Now it has always appeared to me that the whole fun of +writing was to watch the immediate effect produced by one's own literary +genius. If, in addition to this, it is possible to interest the public +in the current events of one's life, what nobler object of ambition +could a man propose to himself? Thus, though the circle of my personal +acquaintances may not be increased, I shall feel my sympathies are +becoming enlarged with each succeeding mark of confidence I bestow upon +the numerous readers to whom I will recount the most intimate relations +of my life. I will tell them of my aspirations and my failures--of my +hopes and fears, of my friends and my enemies. I shall not shrink from +alluding to the state of my affections; and if the still unfulfilled +story of my life becomes involved with the destiny of others, and +entangles itself in an inextricable manner, that is no concern of mine. +I shall do nothing to be ashamed of, or that I can't tell; and if truth +turn out stranger than fiction, so much the better for my readers. It +may be that I shall become the hero of a sensation episode in real life, +for the future looks vague and complicated enough; but it is much better +to make the world my friend before anything serious occurs, than allow +posterity to misjudge my conduct when I am no longer alive to explain +it. Now, at least, I have the satisfaction of knowing that whatever +happens I shall give my version of the story first. Should the daily +tenor of my life be undisturbed, I can always fall back upon the +exciting character of my opinions. + +As I write, the magnitude of the task I propose to myself assumes still +larger proportions. I yearn to develop in the world at large those +organs of conscientiousness and benevolence which we all possess but so +few exercise. I invoke the cooperation of my readers in this great work: +I implore them to accompany me step by step in the crusade which I am +about to preach in favour of the sacrifice of self for the public good. +I demand their sympathy in this monthly record of my trials as an +uncompromising exponent of the motives of the day, and I claim their +tender solicitude should I writhe, crushed and mangled by the iron hand +of a social tyranny dexterously concealed in its velvet glove. I will +begin my efforts at reform with the Church; I may then possibly diverge +to the Legislature, and I will mix in the highest circles of society in +the spirit of a missionary. I will endeavour to show everybody up to +everybody else in the spirit of love; and if they end by quarrelling +with each other and with me, I shall at least have the satisfaction of +feeling myself divested of all further responsibility in the matter. In +my present frame of mind apathy would be culpable and weakness a +crime.... + +Candour compels me to state that when, as I told Lady Veriphast, my +imagination becomes heated, my pen travels with a velocity which fails +to convey any adequate impression of the seething thoughts which course +through my brain. I lose myself in my subject, and become almost +insensible to external sensations; thus it happened that I did not hear +the door open as I was writing the above, and I was totally unconscious +as I was reading fervently aloud the last paragraph, containing those +aspirations which I promised to confide to the public, that I had +already a listener. Judge of my surprise--I may say dismay--when, just +as I had finished, and was biting the end of my pen for a new +inspiration, I heard the voice of Grandon close behind my chair. "Well +done, my dear Frank," he said--and as he has known me from my boyhood, +he can make allowances for my fervent nature. "Your programme is very +complete, but I doubt your being able to carry it out. How, for +instance, do you propose to open the campaign against the Church?" + +If there is one quality upon which I pride myself more than another it +is readiness. I certainly had not formed the slightest conception of how +these burning thoughts of mine should be put into execution; but I did +not hesitate a second in my answer. "I shall go down to a bishop and +stay with him in his palace," I replied, promptly. + +"Which one?" said Grandon. + +I was going to say "Oxbridge," as he is the only one I happen to know; +but, in the first place, I am a little afraid of him; and, in the +second, I am hardly on sufficiently intimate terms with him to venture +to propose myself--so I said, with some effrontery, "Oh, to a colonial +bishop, whom you don't know." + +"Nor you either, I suspect," laughed Grandon. "Just at present colonial +bishops are rather scarce articles, and I have never heard of one in +England with a palace, though there are a good many of them dotted about +in snug livings, retaining only their lawn sleeves, either to laugh in +or remind them of the dignity and the hardships of which they did not +die abroad. Their temptations are of a totally different nature from +theirs who are members of the House of Peers, and they must be treated +apart; in fact, you will have to take them with the missionaries and +colonial clergy. I quite agree with you that if there is one thing that +is more urgently needed than a missionary to the ball-room, it is a +missionary to the missionaries; and as you have had so much experience +of their operations abroad, you might become a very useful labourer in +the ecclesiastical vineyard." + +I need scarcely say that my heart leaped at the thought; it was a work +for which I felt myself specially qualified. "Why," I have thought, +"should there be a set of men who preach to others, and are never +preached at themselves? Every class and condition of life has its +peculiar snares and temptations, and one class is set apart to point +them out--surely there should be somebody to perform that kind office +for them which they do for others. He who is paid to find out the mote +that is in his brother's eye, and devotes his energies to its discovery, +is of all men the one who requires the most kind and faithful friend to +show him the beam which is in his own. I will be that friend, and charge +nothing for it," thought I. + +Grandon saw the flush of enthusiasm which mounted to my brow, and looked +grave. + +"My impulsive friend," he said, "this is a very serious subject; we must +beware lest we fall into the error which we blame in others. It is one +thing to see the need of the missionary, it is another to rush headlong +upon the work. However, I am able to offer you an opportunity of +beginning at once, for I have just come to tell you that Dickiefield has +given us a joint invitation to go down to-morrow to Dickiefield, to stay +till Parliament opens; we shall be certain to find a choice assortment +of pagan and theological curiosities in that most agreeable of +country-houses, and you may possibly meet the identical colonial bishop +at whose palace you proposed staying. The three o'clock train lands us +exactly in time for dinner. Will you come?" + +"Of course I will. Nothing would justify my neglecting so promising a +vineyard in which to commence my labours;" and I rubbed my hands +enthusiastically, and sat down to write a series of those "consecrated +lies" by means of which dinner engagements, already accepted, are at the +last moment evaded. + + DICKIEFIELD, _4th February_. + +The party here consists of old Lady Broadhem, with that very aspiring +young nobleman, her son, the young Earl (old Lord Broadhem died last +year), and his sisters, Ladies Bridget and Ursula Newlyte, neither of +whom I have seen since they emerged from the nursery. + +They had all disappeared to dress for dinner, however, and Dickiefield +had not come home from riding, so that when Grandon and I entered the +drawing-room, we found only the deserted apparatus of the afternoon tea, +a Bishop, and a black man--and we had to introduce ourselves. The Bishop +had a beard and an apron, his companion a turban, and such very large +shoes, that it was evident his feet were unused to the confinement. The +Bishop looked stern and determined; perhaps there was just a dash of +worldliness about the twist of his mustache. His companion wore a +subdued and unctuous appearance; his face was shaved; and the whites of +his eyes were very bloodshot and yellow. Neither of them was the least +embarrassed when we were shown in; Grandon and I both were slightly. +"What a comfort that the snow is gone," said I to the Bishop. + +"Yes," said his lordship; "the weather is very trying to me, who have +just arrived from the Caribbee Islands." + +"I suppose you have accompanied his lordship from the Caribbee Islands," +said I, turning to the swarthy individual, whom I naturally supposed to +be a specimen convert. + +"No," he said; "he had arrived some months since from Bombay." + +"Think of staying long in England?" said Grandon. + +"That depends upon my prospects at the next general election. I am +looking out for a borough." + +"Dear me!" said Grandon; and we all, Bishop included, gazed on him with +astonishment. + +"My name is Chundango," he went on. "My parents were both Hindoos. +Before I was converted my other name was Juggonath; now I am John. I +became acquainted with a circle of dear Christian friends in Bombay, +during my connection, as catechist, with the Tabernacle Missionary +Society, was peculiarly favoured in some mercantile transactions into +which I subsequently entered in connection with cotton, and have come to +spend my fortune, and enter public life, in this country. I was just +expressing to our dear friend here," pointing in a patronising way +towards the Bishop, "my regret at finding that he shares in views which +are becoming so prevalent in the Church, and are likely to taint the +Protestantism of Great Britain and part of Ireland." + +"Goodness," thought I, "how this complicates matters! which of these two +now stands most in need of my services as a missionary?" As Dickiefield +was lighting me up to my bedroom, I could not resist congratulating him +upon his two guests. "A good specimen of the 'unsound muscular,' the +Bishop," said I. + +"Not very," said Dickiefield; "he is not so unsound as he looks, and he +is not unique, like the other. I flatter myself I have under my roof the +only well-authenticated instance of the Hindoo converted millionaire. It +is true he became a 'Government Christian' when he was a poor boy of +fifteen, and began life as a catechist; then he saw a good mercantile +opening, and went into cotton, out of which he has realised an immense +fortune, and now is going into political life in England, which he could +not have done in an unconverted condition. Who ever heard before of a +Bombay man wanting to get into Parliament, and coming home with a _carte +du pays_ all arranged before he started? He advocates extension of the +franchise, ballot, and the Evangelical Alliance, so I thought I would +fasten him on to Broadhem--they'll help to float each other." + +"Who else have you got here besides?" I asked. + +"Oh, only a petroleum aristocrat from the oil regions of +America--another millionaire. He is a more wonderful instance even than +Chundango, for he was a poor man three months ago, when he 'struck oil.' +You will find him most intelligent, full of information; but you will +look upon him, of course, as the type of the peculiar class to which he +belongs, and not of Americans generally." And my warm-hearted and +eccentric friend, Lord Dickiefield, left me to my meditations and my +toilet. + +"I shall probably have to take one of these Broadhem girls in to +dinner," thought I, as I followed the rustle of their crinolines +down-stairs back to the drawing-room. So I ranged myself near the one +with dark hair and blue eyes--I like the combination--to the great +annoyance of Juggonath, who had got so near her for the same purpose +that his great foot was on her dress. + +"I beg your pardon, Mr Juggernaut," said I, giving him a slight shove, +"I think you are standing----" + +"Chundango, sir, if you please," said he, unconsciously making way for +me, "Juggonath is the name which my poor benighted countrymen----" + +"Juggernaut still speaking, as they say in the telegraphic reports from +the House of Commons," I remarked to Lady Ursula, as I carried her off +triumphantly; and the Indian's voice was lost in the hum of the general +movement towards the dining-room. + +I have promised not to shrink from alluding to those tender +sensibilities which an ordinary mortal jealously preserves from the +rough contact of his fellow-men; but I am not an ordinary mortal, and I +have no hesitation in saying, that never in my life have I gone through +such a distinct change of feeling in the same period as during the two +hours we sat at that dinner. Deeply versed as I am in every variety of +the sex, married or single, how was I to know that Lady Ursula was as +little like the rest of the species as our Bombay friend was to wealthy +Hindoos generally? What reason had I to suppose that Lady Broadhem's +daughter could possibly be a new type? + +Having been tolerably intimate at Broadhem House before she was out, I +knew well the atmosphere which had surrounded her youth, and took it for +granted that she had imbibed the family views. + +"Interesting creature, John Chundango, Esq.," said I, for I thought she +had looked grave at the flippancy of my last remark; "he has quite the +appearance of a 'Brand.'" + +"A what?" said Lady Ursula, as she looked up and caught him glaring +fixedly at her with his great yellow eyeballs from the other side of the +table. + +"Of course I don't mean of the 'whipper-in' of the Liberal party, but of +one rescued from fire. I understand that his great wealth, so far from +having proved a snare to him, has enabled him to join in many companies +for the improvement of Bombay, and that his theological views are quite +unexceptionable." + +"If his conversion leads him to avoid discussing either his neighbours +or their theology, Lord Frank, I think he is a person whom we may all +envy." + +Is that a hit at her mother or at me? thought I. At Broadhem House, +society and doctrine used to be the only topics of discussion. My fair +friend here has probably had so much of it that she has gone off on +another tack; perhaps she is a "still deep fast" one. As I thought thus, +I ran over in my mind my young-lady categories, as follows:-- + + {The wholly worldly + First, { and + {The worldly holy. + +In this case the distinction is very fine; but though they are bracketed +together, there is an appreciable difference, which perhaps, some day +when I have time, I shall discuss. + +Second, "The still deep fast." + +This may seem to be a contradiction in terms; but the fact is, while the +upper surface seems tranquil enough, there is a strong rapid +undercurrent. The danger is, in this case, that you are very apt to go +in what is called a "header." The moment you dive you get caught by the +undercurrent, and the chances are you never rise to the surface again. + +Third, "The rippling glancing fast." + +This is less fatal, but to my mind not so attractive as the other. The +ripples are produced by quantities of pebbles, which are sure to give +one what is called in America "a rough time." The glancing is only +dangerous to youths in the first stage, and is perfectly innocuous after +one season. + +Fourth, "The rushing gushing fast." + +This speaks for itself, and may be considered perfectly harmless. + +There are only two slows--the "strong-minded blue slow," and the "heavy +slow." + +The "strong-minded blue slow" includes every branch of learning. It is +extremely rare, and alarming to the youth of the day. I am rather +partial to it myself. + +The "heavy slow" is, alas! too common. + +To return to Lady Ursula: not "worldly holy," that was quite clear; +certainly neither of the "slows," I could see that in her eye, to say +nothing of the retort; not "rippling glancing," her eye was not of that +kind either; certainly not "rushing gushing." What remained? Only +"Wholly worldly," or "still deep fast." + +These were the thoughts that coursed through my mind as I pondered over +her last remark. I had not forgotten that I had a great work to +accomplish. The missionary spirit was ever burning within me, but it was +necessary to examine the ground before attempting to prepare it for +seed. I'll try her as "still deep," thought I. + +"Did you go out much last season?" I said, by way of giving an easy turn +to the conversation. + +"No; we have been very little in London, but we are going up this year. +We have always resisted leaving the country, but mamma wants to make a +home for Broadhem." + +"Ah! it is his first season, and naturally he will go out a great deal. +Of course you know the three reasons which take men into society in +London," I said, after a pause. + +"No, I don't. What are they?" + +"Either to find a wife, or to look after one's wife, or to look after +somebody else's." + +I was helping myself to potatoes as I made this observation in a tone of +easy indifference; but as she did not immediately answer, I glanced at +her, and was at once overcome with remorse and confusion; her neck and +face were suffused with a glow which produced the immediate effect upon +my sensitive nature of making me feel a brute; her very eyelids trembled +as she kept them steadily lowered: and yet what had I said which I had +not repeatedly said before to both the "slows," one of the "worldlies," +and all the "fasts"? Even some of the "worldly holies" rather relish +this style of conversation, though I always wait for them to begin it, +for fear of accidents. Fortunately, however much I am moved, I never +lose my presence of mind; so I deliberately upset my champagne-glass +into her plate, and, with the delicacy and tact of a refined nature, so +worded the apologies with, which I overwhelmed her, that she forgave my +first _gaucherie_ in laughing over the second. + +She can be nothing now, thought I, but "wholly worldly," but she should +be ticketed, like broadcloth, "superfine;" so I must tread cautiously. + +"I hear Lord Broadhem is going to make his political _début_ in a few +days," I remarked, after a pause. "What line does he think of taking?" + +"He has not told me exactly what he means to say, as I am afraid we do +not quite agree in what philosophers call 'first principles,'" she +replied, with a smile and a slight sigh. + +"Ah!" I said, "I can guess what it is; he is a little too Radical for +you, but you must not mind that; depend upon it, an ambitious young peer +can't do better than ally himself with the Manchester school. They have +plenty of talent, but have failed as yet to make much impression upon +the country for lack of an aristocrat. It is like a bubble company in +the City; they want a nobleman as chairman to give an air of +respectability to the direction. He might perhaps be a prophet without +honour if he remained in his own country, so he is quite right to go to +Manchester. I look upon cotton, backed by Exeter Hall, as so strong a +combination, that they would give an immense start in public life to a +young man with great family prestige, even of small abilities; but as +Broadhem has good natural talents, and is in the Upper House into the +bargain, the move, in a strategical point of view, so far as his future +career is concerned, is perfect." + +"I cannot tell you, Lord Frank," said Lady Ursula, "how distressed I am +to hear you talk in this way. As a woman, I suppose I am not competent +to discuss politics; and if Broadhem conscientiously believes in manhood +suffrage and the Low Church, and considers it his duty before God to +lose no opportunity of propagating his opinions, I should be the first +to urge his using all the influence which his name and wealth give him +in what would then become a sacred duty; but the career that you talk +about is not a sacred duty. It is a wretched Will-o'-the-wisp that +tempts men to wade through mire in its pursuit, not the bright star +fixed above them in the heavens to light up their path. I firmly +believe," she went on, as she warmed to her theme, "that that one word +'Career,' has done more to demoralise public men than any other word in +the language. It is one embodiment of that selfishness which we are +taught from our cradles. Boys go to school with strict injunctions if +possible to put self at the top of it. They take the highest honours at +the university purely for the sake of self. How can we expect when they +get into Parliament that they should think of anything but self, until +at last the most conscientious of them is only conscientious by +contrast? Who is there that ever tells them that personal ambition is a +sin the most hateful in the sight of God, the _first_ and not the last +'infirmity of noble minds'? I know you think me foolish and unpractical, +and will tell me mine is an impossible standard; but I don't believe in +impossible standards where public morality is concerned. At all events, +let us make some attempt in an upward direction; and as a first step I +propose to banish from the vocabulary that most pernicious of all words, +'A Career.'" + +She stopped, with eyes sparkling and cheeks flushed; by the way, I did +not before remark, for I only now discovered, that she was +lovely--"wholly worldly"--what sacrilege! say rather "barely mortal;" +and I forthwith instituted a new category. My own ideas, thought I, +expressed in feminine language; she is converted already, and stands in +no need of a missionary. Grandon himself could not take higher ground; +as I thought of him I looked up, and found his eyes fixed upon us. "My +friend Grandon would sympathise most cordially in your sentiments," I +said, generously; for I had fallen a victim in preparing the ground; I +had myself tumbled into the pit which I had dug for her; for had I not +endeavoured to entrap her by expressing the most unworthy opinions, in +the hope that by assenting to them she would have furnished me with a +text to preach upon? + +"Yes," she replied, in a low tone, and with a slight tremor in her +voice, "I know what Lord Grandon's views are, for he was staying with us +at Broadhem a few weeks ago, and I heard him upon several occasions +discussing the subject with my brother." + +"Failed to convert him, though, it would appear," said I, thinking what +a delightful field for missionary operations Broadhem House would be. +"Perhaps I should be more successful. Grandon wants tact. Young men +sometimes require very delicate handling." + +"So do young women," said Lady Ursula, laughing. "Will you please look +under the table for my fan?" and away sailed the ladies, leaving me +rather red from having got under the table, and very much in love +indeed. + +I was roused from the reverie into which I instantly fell by Dickiefield +telling me to pass the wine, and asking me if I knew my next neighbour. +I looked round and saw a young man with long flaxen hair, blue eyes, and +an unhealthy complexion, dexterously impaling pieces of apple upon his +knife, and conveying them with it to his mouth. "Mr Wog," said +Dickiefield, "let me introduce you to Lord Frank Vanecourt." + +"Who did you say, sir?" said Mr Wog, in a strong American accent, +without taking the slightest notice of me. + +"Lord Frank Vanecourt," said Dickiefield. + +"Lord Frank Vanecourt, sir, how do you do, sir?--proud to make your +acquaintance, sir," said Mr Wog. + +"The same to you, sir," said I. "Pray, where were you raised?" I wanted +to show Mr Wog that I was not such a barbarian as he might imagine, and +knew how to ask a civil question or two. + +"Well, sir, I'm a Missouri man," he replied. "I was a captain under +Frank Blair, till I was taken bad with chills and fever; then I gave up +the chills and kept the fever--'oil-fever' they call it down to +Pithole--you've heard of Pithole?" + +"Yes," I said, I had heard of that magical city. + +"Well, just as I struck oil, one of your English lords came over there +for the purpose of what he called 'getting up petroleum' and we were +roommates in the same hotel for some time, and got quite friendly; and +when he saw my new kerosene lamp, and found I was coming to have it +patented in this country, he promised to help me to get up a Patent Lamp +Company, and gave me letters to some of your leading aristocracy; so, +before leaving, I saw the President, and told him I would report on the +state of feeling in your highest circles about our war. We know what it +is in your oppressed classes, but it aint every one has a chance, like +me, of finding out how many copperheads there are among your lords. My +father, sir, you may have heard of by name--Appollonius T. Wog, the +founder, and, I may say, the father of the celebrated 'Pollywog +Convention,' which was named after him, and which unfortunately burst up +just in time to be too late to save our country from bursting up too." + +I expressed to Mr Wog my condolences on the premature decease of the +Pollywog Convention, and asked him how long he had been in England, and +whom he had seen. + +"Well, sir," he said, "I have only been here a few days, and I have seen +considerable people; but none of them were noblemen, and they are the +class I have to report upon. The Earl of Broadhem, here, is the first +with whom I have conversed, and he informs me that he has just come from +one of your universities, and that the sympathies of the great majority +of your rising youth are entirely with the North." + +"You may report to your Government that the British youth of the present +day, hot from the university, are very often prigs." + +"Most certainly I will," said Mr Wog; "the last word, however, is one +with which I am not acquainted." + +"It is an old English term for profound thinker," I replied. + +Mr Wog took out a pocket-book, and made a note; while he was doing so, +he said, with a sly look, "Have you an old English word for 'quite a +fine gurl'?" + +"No," I said; "they are a modern invention." + +"Well, sir, I can tell you the one that sat 'twixt you and me at dinner +would knock the spots out of some of our 'Sent' Louis belles." + +In my then frame of mind the remark caused me such acute pain that I +plunged into a conversation that was going on between Grandon and +Dickiefield on the present state of our relations with Brazil, and took +no further notice of Mr Wog for the rest of the evening; only, as my +readers may possibly hear more of him in society during this season, I +have thought it right to introduce him to them at once. + +We all went to hear Broadhem's speech next day, and whatever might have +been our private opinion upon the matter, we all, with the exception of +Grandon and Lady Ursula, warmly congratulated him upon it afterwards. +John Chundango and Joseph Caribbee Islands both made most effective +speeches, but we did not feel the least called upon to congratulate +them: they each alluded with great affection to the heathen and to Lord +Broadhem. Chundango drew a facetious contrast between his lordship and +an effeminate young Eastern prince, which was highly applauded by the +audience that crowded the town-hall of Gullaby; and Joseph made a sort +of grim joke about the probable effect of the "Court of Final Appeal" +upon the theological tenets of the Caribbee Islanders, that made Lady +Broadhem cough disapprobation, and everybody else on the platform feel +uncomfortable. I confess I have rather a weakness for Joseph. He has a +blunt off-hand way of treating the most sacred topics, that you only +find among those who are professionally familiar with the subject. There +is something refreshingly muscular in the way he lounges down to the +smoking-room in an old grey shooting-coat, and lights the short black +meerschaum, which he tells you kept off fever in the Caribbee Islands, +while the smoke loses itself in the depths of his thick beard, which he +is obliged to wear because of his delicate throat. There is a force and +an ease in his mode of dealing with inspiration at such a moment which +you feel must give him an immense ascendancy over the native mind. + +He possesses what may be termed a dry ecclesiastical humour, differing +entirely from Chundango's, whose theological fun takes rather the form +of Scriptural riddles, picked up while he was a catechist. Neither he +nor Broadhem smoke, so we had Wog and the Bishop to ourselves for half +an hour before going to bed. "You must come and breakfast with me some +morning in Piccadilly to meet my interesting friend Brother Chrysostom, +my lord," said I. + +I always like to give a bishop his title, particularly a missionary +bishop; it is a point of ecclesiastical etiquette about which I have +heard that the propagators of Christianity were very particular. + +"If you will allow me, sir, I will join the party," said Mr Wog, before +the Bishop could reply; "and as I don't know where Piccadilly is, I'll +just ask the Bishop to bring me along. There is a good deal of law going +on between your bishops just now," our American friend went on, "and I +should like to know the rights of it. We in our country consider that +your Ecclesiastical Court is a most remarkable institution for a +Christian land. Why sir, law is strictly prohibited in a certain place; +and it seems to me that you might as well talk of a good devil as a +religious court. If it is wrong for a layman to go to law, it must be +wrong for a bishop. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander; +that proverb holds good in your country as well as mine, don't it?" + +"The Ecclesiastical Court is a court of discipline and doctrine rather +than of law," said Dickiefield. + +"Well, it's a court anyhow you fix it; and your parsons must be a bad +lot to want a set of lawyers reg'larly trained to keep them in order." + +"Perhaps Parson Brownlow would have been the better of a court of some +kind," said the Bishop. "It seems to me that to be a minister of the +Gospel at one moment, a colonel at another, and the Governor of a State +at a third, illustrates the abuses which arise when such courts don't +exist. With us, now, when a man once takes orders, he remains in them +for the rest of his life." + +"Even after he has concluded not to obey them, eh?" asked Mr Wog. + +"Ah, Mr Wog," I interrupted, "before you return to the oil regions, you +must make yourself acquainted with the enormous advantages connected +with a State Church. You must grasp the idea that it is founded chiefly +upon Acts of Parliament--that the clergy are only a paid branch of the +Civil Service, exercising police functions of a very lofty and important +character. The 'orders' come from the Queen, the 'Articles' are +interpreted by the Privy Council, and 'England expects every clergyman +to do his duty.' As I think some of the late doctrinal decisions of the +judicial committee are questionable, I am drawing up a bill for the +reform of the Protestant religion, and for the addition of a fortieth +article to the existing thirty-nine. If I can carry it through both +Houses of Parliament, all the convocations in Christendom cannot prevent +the nation from accepting it as absolute divine truth; and I shall have +the extreme satisfaction of feeling that I am manufacturing a creed for +the masses, and thus securing a theological progress commensurate with +our educational enlightenment. As long as the law of the land enables a +majority of the Legislature to point out the straight and narrow way to +the archbishops and bishops who have to lead their flocks along it, I +have no fear for the future. It must be a comfort to feel, that if the +worst comes to the worst, you have, as in the House of Commons, to lean +upon 'my lord.'" + +But the "dry ecclesiastical humour" of the Bishop, to which I have +referred, did not evidently run in the same channel as mine. + +"I don't think," he said, sternly, "that this is either the place or the +mode in which to discuss subjects of so solemn a nature." + +"I was only speaking of the system generally," I retorted, "and did not +propose to enter here upon any doctrinal details of a really sacred +character; those I leave to ecclesiastical dignitaries and learned +divines with initials, to ventilate in a sweet Christian spirit in the +columns of the daily press." + +But the Bishop had already lit his candle, and with an abrupt "good +night," vanished. + +"Really, Frank," said Dickiefield, "it is not fair of you to drive my +guests to bed before they have finished their pipes in that way. What +you say may be perfectly true, but there can be no sort of advantage in +stating it so broadly." + +"My dear Dickiefield, how on earth is our friend Wog here to understand +what his southern countryman would call 'our peculiar institution,' if +somebody does not enlighten him? I want him, on his return, to point out +to the President the advantage of substituting a State Church for the +State rights which are so rapidly disappearing." Whereupon we diverged +into American politics; and I asked Grandon an hour later, as we went to +bed, what he thought of my first missionary effort. + +"If the effect of your preaching is to drive your listeners away," he +said, laughing, "I am afraid it will not meet with much success." + +"It is a disagreeable task, but somebody must do it," I replied, feeling +really discouraged. "It makes me quite sad to look at these poor +wandering shepherds, who really mean to do right, but who are so utterly +bewildered themselves, that they have lost all power of guiding their +flocks without the assistance of lawyers. When did these latter bring +back 'the key of knowledge,' that one of old said they had 'taken away?' +or why are they not as 'blind leaders of the blind' now as they were +then? If I speak harshly, it is because I fancy I see a ditch before +them. I shall feel bound to trouble the Bishop again with a few +practical remarks. There is no knowing whether even he may not be +brought to perceive that you might as well try to extract warmth from an +iceberg as divine inspiration from the State, and that a Church without +inspiration is simply a grate without fire. The clergy may go on +teaching for doctrine the commandments of men, and stand and shiver in a +theology which comes to them filtered through the Privy Council, and +which is as cold and gloomy as the cathedrals in which it is preached. +But the congregations who are crying aloud for light and heat will go +and look for them elsewhere." + +"You are a curious compound, Frank," said Grandon; "I never knew a man +whose moods changed so suddenly, or whose modes of thinking were so +spasmodic and extreme; however, I suppose you are intended to be of some +use in the world"--and he looked at me as a philosopher might at a +mosquito. + +"By the way, we must leave by the early train to-morrow if we want to +get to town in time for the opening of Parliament." + +"I think I shall stay over to-morrow," I answered. "Broadhem is going +up, but the ladies are going to stay two days longer, and the House can +open very well without me; besides, Chundango and the Bishop are going +to stay over Sunday." + +"That is an inducement, certainly," said Grandon. "Come, you must have +some other reason!" + +"My dear old fellow," said I, putting my hand on Grandon's shoulder, "my +time is come at last. Haven't you remarked what low spirits I have been +in since dinner? I can't bear it for another twenty-four hours! You know +my impulsive sensitive nature. I must know my fate at once from her own +lips." + +"Whose own lips?" said Grandon, with his eyes very wide open. + +"Lady Ursula's, of course!" I replied. "I knew her very well as a child, +so there is nothing very sudden about it. + +"Well, considering you have never seen her since, I don't quite agree +with you," he said, in a deeper tone than usual. "In your own interest, +wait till you know a little more of her." + +"Not another day! Good-night!" and I turned from him abruptly. + +"I'll put myself out of suspense to-morrow, and keep the public in it +for a month," thought I, as I penned the above for their benefit, after +which I indulged in two hours of troubled sleep. + +[Illustration] + + + + +PART II. + +MADNESS. + + + FLITYVILLE, _March 20_. + +As the event which I am about to recount forms the turning-point of my +life--unless, indeed, something still more remarkable happens, which I +do not at present foresee, to turn me back again--I do not feel that it +would be either becoming, or indeed possible, for me to maintain that +vein of easy cheerfulness which has characterised my composition +hitherto. What is fun to you, O my reader! may be death to me; and +nothing can be further from my intention than to excite the smallest +tendency to risibility on your part at my misfortunes or trials. You +will already have guessed what these are; but how to recur to those +agonising details, how to present to you the picture of my misery in its +true colours,--nothing but the stern determination to carry out my +original design, and the conscientious conviction that "the story of my +life from month to month" may be made a profitable study to my +fellow-men, could induce me in this cold-blooded way to tear open the +still unhealed wound. + +I came down to breakfast rather late on the morning following the events +narrated in the last chapter. Broadhem and Grandon had already vanished +from the scene; so had Mr Wog, who went up to town to see what he called +"the elephant,"--an American expression, signifying "to gain experience +of the world." The phrase originated in an occurrence at a menagerie, +and as upon this occasion Mr Wog applied it to the opening of +Parliament, it was not altogether inappropriate. I found still lingering +over the _debris_ of breakfast my host and hostess, Lady Broadhem and +her daughters, the Bishop and Chundango. The latter appeared to be +having all the talk to himself, and, to give him his due, his +conversation was generally entertaining. + +"My dear mother," he was saying, "still unconverted, has buried all my +jewellery in the back verandah. After I had cleared a million sterling, +I divided it into two parts; with one part I bought jewels, of which my +mother is an excellent judge, and the other I put out at interest. Not +forgetting," with an upward glance, "a sum the interest of which I do +not look for here." + +"Then, did you give all your jewels to your mother?" asked Lady +Broadhem. + +"Oh no; she is only keeping them till I can bestow them upon the woman I +choose for her daughter-in-law." + +"Are you looking out for her now?" I asked, somewhat abruptly. + +"Yes, my dear friend," said John; "I hope to find in England some +Christian young person as a yoke-mate." + +There was a self-satisfied roll of his eye as he said this, which took +away from me all further desire for the bacon and eggs I had just put on +my plate. + +"Dear Mr Chundango," said Lady Broadhem, "tell us some of your +adventures as a catechist in the Bombay Ghauts. Did you give up all when +you became one? Was your family noble? and did you undergo much +persecution from them?" + +"The Rajah of Sattara is my first cousin," said Chundango, unblushingly; +"but they repudiated me when I became a Christian, and deny the +relationship." + +"Are you going up to Convocation?" said Dickiefield to the Bishop, to +divert attention from Chundango's last barefaced assertion. "I hear they +are going to take some further action about the judgment on the 'Essays +and Reviews.'" + +"Yes," said Joseph; "and I see there is a chance of three new sees being +created. I should like to talk over the matter with you. Considering how +seriously my health has suffered in the tropics, and how religiously I +have adhered to my Liberal opinions in politics even in the most trying +climates, it might be worth while----" + +"Excuse me for interrupting you, my dear lord," said Dickiefield, "but +the present Government are not so particular about the political as the +theological views of their bishops. When you remember that the Prime +Minister of this country is held morally accountable for the orthodoxy +of its religious tenets, you must at once perceive how essential it is, +not only that he should be profoundly versed in points of Scriptural +doctrine himself, but that he should never appoint a bishop of whose +soundness he is not from personal knowledge thoroughly satisfied." + +"I have no objection to talk over the more disputed points with him," +said the Bishop. "When do you think he could spare a moment?" + +"The best plan would be," replied Dickiefield, with a twinkle in his +eye, "to catch him in the lobby of the House some evening when there is +nothing particular going on. What books of reference would you require?" + +The Bishop named one, when I interrupted him, for I felt Dickiefield had +not put the case fairly as regarded the first Minister of the Crown. + +"It is not the Premier's fault at all," said I; "he may be the most +liberal theologian possible, but he has nothing to do with doctrine; +that lies in the Chancellor's department. As the supreme arbiter in +points of religious belief, and as the largest dispenser of spiritual +patronage in the kingdom, it is evident that the qualifications for a +Lord Chancellor should be not so much his knowledge of law, as his +unblemished moral character and incapacity for perpetrating jobs. He is, +in fact, the principal veterinary surgeon of the ecclesiastical stable, +and any man in orders that he 'warrants sound' cannot be objected to on +the score of orthodoxy. The Prime Minister is just in the same position +as the head of any other department,--whoever passes the competitive +examination he is bound to accept, but may use his own discretion as to +promotion, and, of course, sticks to the traditions of the service. The +fact is, if you go into the Colonial Episcopal line you get over the +heads of a lot of men who are steadily plodding on for home promotion, +and, of course they don't think it fair for an outsider to come back +again, and cut them out of a palace and the patronage attached to it on +the strength of having been a missionary bishop. It is just the same in +the Foreign Office,--if you go out of Europe you get out of the regular +line. However, we shall have the judgment on the Colenso case before +long, and, from the little I know of the question, it is possible you +may find that you are not legally a bishop at all. In that case you will +have what is far better than any interest--a grievance. You can say that +you were tempted to give up a good living to go to the heathen on false +pretences, and they'll have to make it up to you. You could not do +better than apply for one of the appointments attached to some +cathedrals, called 'Peculiars.' I believe that they are very comfortable +and independent. If you will allow me I will write to my solicitor about +one. Lawyers are the men to manage these matters, as they are all in +with each other, and every bishop has one attached to him." + +"Thank you, my lord--my observation was addressed to Lord Dickiefield," +said the Bishop, very stiffly; for there was an absence of that +deference in my tone to which those who love the uppermost seats in the +synagogues are accustomed, but which I reserve for some poor labourers +who will never be heard of in this world. + +"Talking of committees," I went on, "how confused the Lord Chancellor +must be between them all. He must be very apt to forget when he is +'sitting' and when he is being 'sat upon.' If he had not the clearest +possible head, he would be proving to the world that Mr E---- was +competent to teach the Zulus theology in spite of the Bishop of Cape +Town, and that he was justified in giving Dr Colenso a large retiring +pension. What with having to quote texts in one committee-room, and +arithmetic in another, and having to explain the law of God, the law of +the land, and his own conduct alternately, it is a miracle that he does +not get a softening of the brain. Depend upon it," said I, turning to +the Bishop, who looked flushed and angry, "that a 'Peculiar' is a much +snugger place than the Woolsack." + +"Lord Frank, permit me to say," broke in Lady Broadhem, who had several +times vainly endeavoured to interrupt me, "that your manner of treating +sacred subjects is most disrespectful and irreverent, and that your +allusions to an ecclesiastical stable, 'outsiders,' and other racing +slang, is in the worst possible taste, considering the presence of the +Bishop." + +"Lady Broadhem," said I, sternly, "when the money-changers were scourged +out of the Temple there was no want of reverence displayed towards the +service to which it was dedicated; and it seems to me, that to sell 'the +Temple' itself, whether under the name of an 'advowson,' a 'living,' or +a 'cure of souls,' is the very climax of irreverence, not to use a +stronger term; and when the Lord Chancellor brings in an Act for the +purpose of facilitating this traffic in 'souls,' and 'augmenting the +benefices' derived from curing them, I think it is high time, at the +risk of giving offence to my friend the Bishop, and to the +ecclesiastical establishment generally, to speak out. What times have we +fallen upon that the priesthood itself, once an inspiration, has become +a trade?"[1] + +[Footnote 1: "Let the Church," says the 'Times,' in a recent leading +article, "increase the number of her good things, and her ranks will be +largely and _worthily_ filled up."] + +Lady Broadhem seemed a little cowed by my vehemence, which some might +have thought amounted to rudeness, but would not abandon the field. "The +result," she said, "of impoverishing the Church will be, that you will +only get literates to go into it; as it is, compared with other +professions, it holds out no inducement for young men of family. +Fortunately our own living, being worth £1200 a-year, always secures us +a member of the family, and therefore a gentleman; but if you did away +with them you would not have holier men, but simply worse-bred ones. I +am sure we should not gain by having the Church filled with clergy of +the class of Dissenting preachers." + +"I don't think you would, any more than the Pharisees would have gained +by being reduced to the level of the Sadducees; not that I would wish to +use either term offensively towards the conscientious individuals who +were, doubtless, comprised in the above sects in old time, still less as +a reproach to the excellent men who fill the churches and chapels of +this country now; but it has possibly not occurred to them that the +Churchianity of the present day bears as little resemblance to the +Christianity of eighteen hundred years ago, as the latter did to the +worship it came to supersede;" and I felt I had sown seed in the +ecclesiastical vineyard, and would leave it to fructify. "Good fellow, +Frank!" I overheard Dickiefield say, as I left the room; "it is a pity +his head is a little turned!" "Ah," I thought, "something is upside +down; perhaps it is my head, but I rather think it is the world +generally, including always the religious world. It seemed to have taken +a start in the right direction nearly two thousand years ago, and now it +has all slipped back again worse than ever, and is whirling the wrong +way with a rapidity that makes one giddy. I feel more giddy than usual +to-day, somehow," I soliloquised; "and every time I look at Lady Ursula, +I feel exactly as if I had smoked too much. It can't be really that, so +I'll light a cigar and steady my nerves before I come to the tremendous +issue. She is too sensible to mind my smelling of tobacco." These were +the thoughts that passed through my somewhat bewildered brain, as I +stepped out upon the terrace and lit my cigar. So far from my nerves +becoming steadier, however, under the usually soothing influence, I felt +my heart beating more rapidly each time I endeavoured to frame the +sentence upon which was to depend the happiness of my life, until at +last my resolution gave way altogether, and I determined to put upon +paper, in the form of an interrogatory, the momentous question. A glass +door opened from a recess in the drawing-room upon the terrace on which +I was walking, and in it, on my former visits, I had been in the daily +habit of writing my letters. It was a snug retreat, with a fire all to +itself, a charming view, and a _portière_ which separated it or not from +the drawing-room, according to the wish of the occupant. The first +question I had to consider when I put the writing materials before me +was, whether I ought to begin, "Dear Lady Ursula," or, "My dear Lady +Ursula." I should not have entertained the idea of beginning "My dear," +did I not feel that having known her as a child entitled me to assume a +certain intimacy. However, on further consideration, I adopted the more +distant form, and then my real difficulty began. While looking for an +inspiration at the further end of the avenue which stretched from the +lawn, I became conscious of a figure moving slowly towards me, which I +finally perceived to be that of Lady Broadhem herself. In my then frame +of mind, any escape from my dilemma was a relief, and I instinctively +left the still unwritten note and joined her. + +"This is a courageous proceeding, Lady Broadhem; the weather is scarcely +mild enough for strolling." + +"I determined to make sure of some exercise," she replied,--"the clouds +look threatening; besides, I have a good deal on my mind, and I can +always think better when I am walking _alone_." + +She put a marked emphasis on the last word, I can't imagine why, so I +said, "That is just my case. If you only knew the torture I am enduring, +you would not wonder at my wanting to be alone. As for exercise, it +would not be of the slightest use." + +"Dear me," said Lady Broadhem, pulling a little box like a card-case out +of her pocket, "tell me your exact symptoms, and I'll give you some +globules." + +"It is not altogether beyond the power of homoeopathy," I said, with a +sigh. "Hahnemann was quite right when he adopted as the motto for his +system, 'Like cures like,' It applies to my complaint exactly. Love will +cure love, but not in homoeopathic doses." + +"How very odd! I was thinking the very same thing when you joined me. My +dear girls are of course ever uppermost in my mind, and I really am +troubled about Ursula. I think," she said, looking with a sidelong +glance into my face, "I know who is on the point of declaring himself," +and she stopped suddenly, as though she had spoken under some +irresistible impulse. + +I don't remember having blushed since I first went to school, but if +Lady Broadhem could have seen the colour of my skin under my thick +beard, she would have perceived how just her penetration had been. Still +I was a good deal puzzled at the quickness with which she had made a +discovery I imagined unknown, even to the object of my affections, to +say nothing of the coarseness of her alluding to it to me in that direct +manner. What had I said or done that could have put her on the scent? I +pondered in vain over the mystery. My conduct had been most circumspect +during the few hours I had been in love; nothing but the sagacity with +which the maternal instinct is endowed could account for it. + +"Do you think Lady Ursula returns the affection?" said I, timidly. + +"Ursula is a dear, well-principled girl, who will make any man who is +fortunate enough to win her happy. I am sure she will be guided by my +wishes in the matter. And now, Lord Frank, I think we have discussed +this subject sufficiently. I have said more, perhaps, than I ought; but +we are such old friends that, although I entirely disagree with your +religious opinions, it has been a relief to me even to say thus much. I +trust my anxieties will soon be at an end;" with which most encouraging +speech Lady Broadhem turned towards the house, leaving me overcome with +rapture and astonishment, slightly tinged with disgust at finding that +the girl I loved was thrown at my head. + +I did not delay, when I got back to my recess in the drawing-room, to +tear up with a triumphant gesture my note beginning "Dear," and to +commence another, "My dear Lady Ursula." + +"The conversation which I have just had with Lady Broadhem," I went on, +"encourages me to lose no time in writing to you to explain the nature +of those feelings which she seems to have detected almost as soon as +they were called into existence, and which gather strength with such +rapidity that a sentiment akin to self-preservation urges me not to lose +another moment in placing myself and my fortune at your disposal. If I +allude to the latter, it is not because I think such a consideration +would influence you in the smallest degree, but because you may not +suspect, from my economical habits, the extent of my private resources. +I am well aware that my impulsive nature has led me into an apparent +precipitancy in writing thus; but if I cannot flatter myself that the +short time I have passed in your society has sufficed to inspire you +with a reciprocal sentiment, Lady Broadhem's assurance that I may depend +upon your acceding to her wishes in this the most important act of your +life, affords me the strongest encouragement.--Believe me, yours most +faithfully, + + "FRANK VANECOURT." + +I have already observed that, when my mind is very deeply absorbed in +composition, I become almost insensible to external influences: thus it +was not until I had finished my letter, and was reading it over, that I +became conscious of sounds in the drawing-room. I was just thinking that +I had got the word "sentiment" twice, and was wondering what I could +substitute for that expressive term, when I suppose I must have +overheard, for I insensibly found myself signing my name "Jewel." Then +came the unmistakable sound of Chundango's voice mentioning the name +dearest to me. "Remember, Lady Ursula," said that regenerate pagan, +"there are very few men who could offer their brides such a collection +of jewels as I can. Think, that although of a different complexion from +yourself, I am of royal blood. You are surely too enlightened and +noble-minded to allow the trivial consideration of colour to influence +you." + +"Mr Chundango," said Lady Ursula, and I heard the rustle of her dress as +she rose from her chair, "you really must excuse me from listening to +you any more." + +"Stop one moment," said Chundango; and I suspect he tried to get hold of +her hand, for I heard a short quick movement; "I have not made this +proposal without receiving first the sanction of Lady Broadhem." +"Deceitful old hypocrite"; thought I, with suppressed fury. "When I told +her ladyship that I would settle a million's worth of pounds upon you in +jewellery and stock, that my blood was royal, and that all my +aspirations were for social distinction, she said she desired no higher +qualification. 'What, dear Mr Chundango,' she remarked, 'matters the +colour of your skin if your blood is pure? If your jewellery and your +conversion are both genuine, what more could an anxious mother desire +for her beloved daughter?'" + +"Spare me, I implore you," said Ursula, in a voice betraying great +agitation. "You don't know the pain you are giving me." + +Whether Chundango at this moment fell on his knees, which I don't think +likely, as natives never thus far humble themselves before the sex, or +whether he stumbled over a footstool in trying to prevent her leaving +the room--which is more probable--I could not discover. I merely heard a +heavy sound and then the door open. I think the Indian must have hurt +himself, as the next time I heard his voice it was trembling with +passion. + +"Lady Broadhem," he said--for it appears she it was who had entered the +room--"I do not understand Lady Ursula's conduct. I thought obedience to +parents was one of the first precepts of the Christian religion; but +when I tell her your wishes on the subject of our marriage, she forbids +me to speak. I will now leave her in your hands, and I hope I shall +receive her from them in the evening in another and a better frame of +mind;" and Chundango marched solemnly out and banged the door after him. + +"What have you done, Ursula?" said Lady Broadhem, in a cold, hard voice. +"I suppose some absurd prejudice about his colour has influenced you in +refusing a fortune that few girls have placed at their feet. He is a man +of remarkable ability; in some lights there is a decided richness in his +hue; and Lord Dickiefield tells me he fully expects to see him some day +Under-Secretary for India, and ultimately perhaps in the Cabinet. +Moreover, he is very lavish, and would take a pride in giving you all +you could possibly want, and in meeting all our wishes. He would be most +useful to Broadhem, whose property, you know, was dreadfully involved by +his father in his young days-in fact, he promised me to pay off £300,000 +of the debt upon his personal security, and not ask for any interest for +the first few years. All this you are throwing away for some girlish +fancy for some one else." + +Here my heart bounded. "Dear girl," thought I, "she loves me, and I'll +rush in and tell her that I return her passion. Moreover, I will +overwhelm that old woman with confusion for having so grossly deceived +me." A scarcely audible sob from Lady Ursula decided me, and to the +astonishment of mother and daughter I suddenly revealed myself. Lady +Ursula gave a start and a little exclamation, and before I could explain +myself, had hurried from the room. Lady Broadhem confronted me, stern, +defiant, and indignant. + +"Is it righteous,--Lady Broadhem----" I began, but she interrupted me. + +"My indignation? Yes, Lord Frank, it is." + +"No, Lady Broadhem; I did not allude to your indignation, which is +unjustifiable. I was about to express my feelings in language which I +thought might influence you with reference to the deception you have +practised upon me. You gave me to understand only half an hour ago that +you approved of my attachment to your daughter; you implied that that +attachment was returned--indeed, I have just overheard as much from her +own lips; and now you deliberately urge her to ally herself with--the +thought is too horrible!" and I lifted my handkerchief to my eyes to +conceal my unaffected emotion. + +"Lord Frank," said Lady Broadhem, calmly, "you had no business to +overhear anything; however, I suppose the state of your feelings must be +your excuse. It seems that we entirely misunderstood each other this +morning. The attachment I then alluded to was the one you have just +heard Mr Chundango declare. I did so, because I thought of asking you to +find out some particulars about him which I am anxious to know. I was +utterly ignorant of your having entertained the same feelings for +Ursula. What settlements are you prepared to make?" + +This question was put so abruptly that a mixed feeling of indignation +and contempt completely mastered me. At these moments I possess the +faculty of sublime impertinence. + +"I shall make Broadhem a liberal allowance, and settle an annuity upon +yourself, which my solicitor will pay you quarterly. I know the family +is poor; it will give me great pleasure to keep you all." + +Lady Broadhem's lips quivered with anger; but the Duke of Dunderhead's +second son, who had inherited all the Flityville property through his +mother, was a fish worth landing, so she controlled her feelings with an +effort of self-possession which commanded my highest admiration, and +said in a gentle tone as she held out her hand with a subdued smile,-- + +"Forgive the natural anxiety of a mother, Lord Frank, as I forgive you +for that last speech." Here she lifted her eyes and remained silent for +a few moments, then she sighed deeply. She meant me to understand by +this that she had been permitted to overcome her feelings of resentment +towards me, and was now overflowing with Christian charity. + +"Dear Lady Broadhem," I replied, affectionately, for I felt +preternaturally intelligent, and ready for the most elaborate maternal +strategy, "how thankful we ought to be that on an occasion of this kind +we can both so thoroughly command our feelings! Believe me, your anxiety +for your daughter's welfare is only equalled by the fervour of my +affection for her. Shall we say £100,000 in stock, and Flityville Park +as a dower-house?" + +"What stock, Lord Frank?" asked her ladyship, as she subsided languidly +into a chair; "not Mexicans or Spanish passives, I do most fervently +trust." + +"No," said I, maliciously; "nearly all in Confederate and Greek loans." + +"Oh!" she ejaculated, with a little scream, as if something had stung +her. + +"What is the matter, Lady Broadhem?" and she looked so unhappy and +disconcerted that I had compassion on her. "I was only joking; you need +be under no apprehension as to the securities--they are as sound as your +own theology, and would satisfy the Lord Chancellor quite as well." + +"Oh, it was not that! Perhaps some day when you and dear Ursula are +married, I will tell you all about it; for you have my full consent; and +I need not say what an escape I think she has had from that black man. +_Entre nous_, as it is most important you should understand exactly the +situation, I must correct one error into which you have fallen; she is +not in love with you, Lord Frank; you must expect a little opposition at +first; but that will only add zest to the pursuit, and my wishes will be +paramount in the end. The fact is, but this is a profound secret, your +friend Lord Grandon has behaved most improperly in the matter. He came +down on some pretence of instilling his ridiculous notions into +Broadhem, who took a fancy to him when we were all staying at Lady +Mundane's, and I strongly opposed it, as I fancied, even then, he was +paying Ursula too much attention; but she has such influence with +Broadhem that she carried her point, because, she said, her brother +could only get good from him. What exactly passed at Broadhem I don't +know; but I was so angry at the idea of an almost penniless Irish peer +taking advantage of his opportunities as a visitor to entrap my girl's +affections, that I told him I expected some people, and should want his +bedroom. He left within an hour, and Ursula declares he never uttered a +word which warranted this decisive measure; but people can do a good +deal without 'uttering,' as she calls it; and I am quite determined not +to let them see anything of each other during the season. Fortunately +Lord Grandon scarcely ever goes out, and Broadhem, whose eyes are opened +at last, has promised to watch him. Whoever Ursula marries must do +something for Broadhem." + +Although I am able to record this speech word for word, I am quite +unable to account for the curious psychological fact, that it has become +engraven on my memory, while, at the time, I was unconscious of +listening to it. The pattern of the carpet, a particular curl of Lady +Broadhem's "front," the fact that the clock struck one, are all stamped +upon the plate of my internal perceptive faculties with the vividness of +a photograph. The vision of happiness which I had conjured up was +changing into a hideous contrast, and reminded me of the Diorama at the +Colosseum in my youth, where a fairy landscape, with a pastoral group at +lunch in the foreground, became gradually converted into a pandemonium +of flames and devils. + +I felt borne along by a mighty torrent which was sweeping me from +elysian fields into some fathomless abyss. Love and friendship both +coming down together in one mighty crash, and the only thing left +standing--Lady Broadhem--right in front of me--a very stern reality +indeed. I don't the least know the length of time which elapsed between +the end of her speech and when I returned to consciousness--probably not +many seconds, though it seemed an age. I gasped for breath, so she +kindly came to my relief. + +"My dear Lord Frank," she said, "after all it might have been worse. +Supposing that Lord Grandon had not been your friend, or had not had the +absurd Quixotic ideas which I understand he has of the duties of +friendship, he might have given you immense trouble; as it is, I am sure +he has only to know the exact state of the case to retire. I know him +quite well enough for that. I look upon it as providential. Had it been +Mr Chundango, Grandon would most probably have persevered. Now he is +quite capable of doing all he can to help you with Ursula." + +I groaned in spirit. How well had Lady Broadhem judged the character of +the man to whom she would not give her daughter! + +"I am so glad to think, Lady Broadhem," said I, with a bitter laugh, +"that you do not suspect me of such a ridiculous exaggeration of +sentiment. So far from it, it seems to impart a peculiar piquancy to the +pursuit when success is only possible at the sacrifice of another's +happiness; and when that other is one's oldest friend, there is a +refinement of emotion, a sort of pleasurable pain, which is quite +irresistible. To what element in our nature do you attribute this?" + +"To original sin, I am afraid," said Lady Broadhem, looking down, for my +manner seemed to puzzle, and make her nervous. + +"Oh, it is not at all 'original,'" said I. "Whatever other merit it +possesses, it can't claim originality--it is the commonest thing in the +world; but I think it is an acquired taste at first--it grows upon you +like caviar or olives. I remember some years ago, in Australia, running +away with the wife of a charming fellow----" + +"Oh, Lord Frank, Lord Frank, please stop! Have you repented? and where +is she?" + +"No," I said, "I never intend to repent; and I'll tell you where she is +after the marriage." + +At this crisis the demon of recklessness which had sustained me, and +prompted the above atrocious falsehood, deserted me suddenly, so I leant +against the mantelpiece and sobbed aloud. I remember deriving a +malicious satisfaction from the idea that Lady Broadhem thought I was +weeping for my imaginary Australian. + +"How very dreadful!" said she, when I became somewhat calmer. "We must +forget the past, and try and reform ourselves, mustn't we?" she went on, +caressingly; "but I had no idea that you had passed through a _jeunesse +orageuse_. Do you know, I think men, when they do steady, are always the +better for it." + +"Well, I hope Lady Ursula may keep me quiet; nothing else ever has yet. +I suppose you won't expect me to go to church?" + +"We'll talk about that after the marriage, to use your own expression," +replied Lady Broadhem, with a smile. + +"Because, you know, I am worse than Grandon as regards orthodoxy. Now, +Chundango is so thoroughly sound, don't you think, after all, that that +is the first consideration?" + +"To tell you the truth--but of course I never breathed it to Ursula--I +attach a good deal of importance to colour." + +"Ah, I see; you classify us somewhat in this way: first, if you can get +it, rich, orthodox, and white; second, rich, heterdox, and white; third, +rich, orthodox, and black. Now, in my opinion, to attach any importance +whatever to colour is wicked. My objections to Mr Chundango do not apply +to his skin, which is as good as any other, but to his heart, which I am +afraid is black. I prefer a pure heart in a dark skin to a black heart +in a white one," and I looked significantly at her ladyship. "Supposing +that out of friendship for Grandon I should do the absurd thing of +withdrawing my pretensions, what would happen?" + +"I should insist upon Ursula's marrying Mr Chundango. I tell you in +confidence, Lord Frank, that pecuniary reasons, which I will explain +more fully at another time, render it absolutely necessary that she +should marry a man with means within the next six months. The credit of +our whole family is at stake; but it is impossible for me to enter into +details now." At this moment the luncheon was announced. I followed Lady +Broadhem mechanically towards the dining-room, but instead of entering +it went up-stairs like one in a dream, and ordered my servant to make +arrangements for my immediate departure. I pulled an arm-chair near my +bedroom fire, and gazed hopelessly into it. + +People call me odd. I wonder really whether the conflicts of which my +brain is the occasional arena are fiercer than those of others. I wonder +whether other people's thoughts are as like clouds as mine +are--sometimes, when it is stormy, grouping themselves in wild fantastic +forms; sometimes chasing each other through vacancy, for no apparent +purpose; sometimes melting away in "intense inane;" and again +consolidating themselves, black and lowering, till they burst in a +passionate explosion. What are they doing now? and I tried in vain to +stop the mental kaleidoscope which shifted itself so rapidly that I +could not catch one combination of thought before it was succeeded by +another; but always the same prominent figures dodging madly about the +chambers of my brain--Chundango, Ursula, Lady Broadhem, and Grandon; +Lady Broadhem, Chundango, Grandon, and Ursula--backwards and forwards, +forwards and backwards, like some horrid word that I had to spell in a +game of letters, and could never bring right. Love, friendship, hate, +pity, admiration, treachery--more words to spell, ever combining +wrongly, and never letting me rest, till I thought something must crack +under the strain. Then mockingly came a voice ringing in my ears--Peace, +peace, peace--and I fancied myself lulled to rest in her arms, and I +heard the cooing of doves mingle with the soft murmur of her voice as +she leant wistfully over me, and I revelled in that most fatal of all +nightmares--the nightmare of those who, perishing of hunger and thirst, +die of imaginary banquets. "Sweet illusion," I said, "dear to me as +reality, brood over my troubled spirit, deaden its pain, heal its +wounds, and weave around my being this delicious spell for ever." Then +suddenly, as though my brain had been a magazine into which a spark had +fallen, it blazed up; my hair bristled, and drops stood upon my +forehead, for a great fear had fallen upon me. It had invaded me with +the force of an overwhelming torrent, carrying all before it. It said, +"Whence is the calm that soothes you? Infatuated dreamer, think you it +is the subsiding of the storm, and not rather the lull that precedes it? +Beware of the sleep of the frozen, from which there is no waking." What +was this? was my mind regaining its balance, or was it going to lose it +for ever? Most horrid doubt! the very thought was so much in the scale +on the wrong side. Oh for something to lean upon--some strong stay of +common-sense to support me! I yearned for the practical--some fact on +which to build. "I have got it," I exclaimed suddenly. "There must be +some osseous matter behind my dura mater!" I shall never forget the +consolation which this notion gave me: it relieved me from any further +psychological responsibility, so to speak; I gave up mental analysis. I +attributed the keen susceptibility of my æsthetic nature to this cause, +and accepted it as I would the gout, without a murmur. Still I needed +repose and solitude, so I determined to go to Flityville and arrange my +ideas, no longer alarmed at the confusion in which they were, but with +the steadfast purpose of disentangling them quietly, as I would an +interesting knot. Hitherto I had been tearing at it madly and making it +worse; now I had got the end of the skein--"osseous matter"--and would +soon unravel it. So I descended calmly to the drawing-room. + +I found it empty, but it occurred to me I had left my letter to Lady +Ursula in the recess, and in the agitation attending my interview with +Lady Broadhem, had forgotten to go back for it. I pushed back the +_portière_, and saw seated at the writing-table Lady Ursula herself. She +looked pale and nervous, while I felt overwhelmed with confusion and +embarrassment. This was the more trying, as many years have elapsed +since I have experienced any such sensations. + +"Oh, you don't happen to have seen a letter lying about anywhere, do +you, Lady Ursula?" said I. "It ought to be under your hand, for I left +it exactly on that spot." + +"No," she said; "I found mamma writing here when I came, and she took a +packet of letters away with her; perhaps she put yours among them by +mistake. She will be back from her drive almost immediately." + +"I hope so," said I. "I should be sorry to leave without seeing her." + +"To leave, Lord Frank! I thought you were going to stay till Monday." +She looked up rather appealingly, I thought, as if my presence would +have been a satisfaction to her under the circumstances; and I saw, as I +returned her steady earnest gaze, that she little guessed the purport of +the missing letter. + +At that moment my head began to swim, and the figures to dance about in +my brain again. Chundango and Grandon seemed locked in a death-struggle, +and Ursula, with dishevelled hair, trying to separate them, while Lady +Broadhem, in the background, was clapping her hands and urging them on. +I seemed spinning round the group with such rapidity that I was obliged +to steady myself with one hand against the back of Lady Ursula's chair. + +"What's the matter? what's the matter, Lord Frank?" she exclaimed. + +"Osseous matter, osseous matter," I murmured mechanically, and it +sounded so like an echo of her words that I am sure she thought me going +mad. Should I throw myself at her feet and tell her all? If she would +only trample upon me and my feelings together, it would be a luxury +compared to the agony of self-control I was inflicting upon myself. If I +could only pour myself out in a torrent of passionate expression, and +wind up with a paroxysm of tears, she was welcome to treat me as a +raving lunatic, but I should be much less likely to become one. But how, +knowing what I did, could I face Grandon afterwards? Before that fatal +conversation with Lady Broadhem, I should have had the satisfaction of +hearing my fate from Lady Ursula herself, and I know that she would have +treated me so tenderly that rejection would have been a thousand times +preferable to this. She would have known then the intensity of my +affection, she would have heard from my own lips the burning words with +which I would have pleaded my cause, and, whatever might have been the +result, would have pitied and felt for me. Now, if I say nothing, and +Lady Broadhem tells her when I am gone that she considers us engaged, +what will Ursula think of me? Again, if Lady Broadhem thinks I am really +going to do what my conscience urges, and sacrifice myself for Grandon, +then, poor girl, she will be sacrificed to Chundango. + +Nothing but misery will come out of that double event: if I do what is +right, it will bring misery; if I do what is wrong, it will bring misery +too,--that is one consolation--it makes the straight and narrow path +easier. The only difficulty is, I can't find it--and standing here with +my hand on her chair, my head swimming, and Lady Ursula looking +anxiously up at me, I am not likely to find it. + +"Lord Frank, do let me ring the bell and send for a glass of water," she +said at last. + +"Thanks, no; the fact is, that letter I have lost causes me the greatest +anxiety, and when I thought what the consequences might be of its going +astray I felt a little faint for a moment." + +"Dear me," said Lady Ursula, kindly, "I will make mamma look for it at +once, and I am sure if it is a matter in which my sympathy could be of +any use, you will appreciate my motive in offering it; but I do think in +this world people might be of so much more use to each other than they +are, if they would only trust one another, and believe in the sincerity +of friendship. Although you did try to shock me last night," she said, +with a smile, "I have heard so much of you from Lord Grandon, and know +how kind and good you are, although he says you are too enthusiastic and +too fond of paradoxes, but I assure you I consider you quite an old +friend. You remember, years ago, when I was a little girl, how you used +to gallop about with me on my pony in the park at Broadhem? You won't +think me inquisitive, I am sure, in saying this, but there are moments +sometimes when it is a relief to find a listener to the history of one's +troubles." + +"But when, by a curious fatality, that listener is the cause of them +all, these moments are not likely to arrive," I thought, but did not +say. Is it not enough to love a woman to distraction, and be obliged by +every principle of honour to conceal it from her, without her pressing +upon you her sympathy, and inviting your confidence? and the very +tenderness which had prompted her speech rose up against her in judgment +in my mind. So ready with her friendship, too! Should I tell her +bitterly that she was the only being in the whole world whose friendship +could aggravate my misery? Should I congratulate her upon the ingenuity +she had displayed in thus torturing me? or should I revenge myself by +giving her the confidence she asked, and requesting her to advise me how +to act under the circumstances? Then I looked at the gentle earnest +face, and my heart melted. My troubles! Do I not know too well what hers +are? Perhaps it would be a relief to her to hear, that if worse comes to +worst, she can always escape Chundango by falling back upon me. If she +is driven to begging me to offer myself up on her shrine, what a very +willing sacrifice she would find me! As she knows that I must have +overheard what passed between her and Chundango this morning, shall I +make a counter-proposition of mutual confidence, and allude delicately +to that most painful episode! If she is generous enough to forget her +own troubles and think of me, why should not I forget mine and think of +her? The idea of this contradiction in terms struck me as so exquisitely +ludicrous, that I laughed aloud. + +"Ha! ha! ha! Lady Ursula, if you only knew what a comic aspect that last +kind speech of yours has given to the whole affair. Don't think me +ungrateful or rude, but--ha! ha! ha!" Here I went off again. "When once +my sense of humour is really touched, I always seem to see the point of +a joke to quite a painful degree. Upon two occasions I have suffered +from fits after punning, and riddles always make me hysterical; but I +assure you, you unconsciously made a joke just now when you asked me to +tell you exactly what I felt, which I shall remember as long as I live, +for it will certainly be the death of me--ha! ha! ha!" But Lady Ursula +had risen from her chair and rung the bell before I had finished my +speech, and I was still laughing when the servant came into the room, +followed by Lady Broadhem and Lady Bridget. + +"Dear me," said Lady Broadhem, with her most winning smile, "how very +merry you are!--at least Lord Frank is. You seem a little pale, dear," +turning to Ursula; "what is the matter?" + +"Oh, nothing, mamma. Lord Frank has been looking for a letter in the +recess. You don't happen to have put it up with yours, do you?" + +"No, my dear, I think not," said Lady Broadhem, looking through a +bundle. "Who was it to, Lord Frank, if you will pardon my curiosity? I +shall find it more easily if you will give me the address." + +"Nobody in particular," said I, "so it does not matter; you can keep it +and read it. It is a riddle; that is what has been amusing us so much. +Lady Ursula has been making such absurd attempts to guess it. Good-bye, +Lady Broadhem. Here is the servant come to say that my fly is at the +door." + +"Good gracious! Why, where are you going?" said she, evidently imagining +that her daughter and I had had some thrilling episode, and that I was +going away in a huff, so I determined to mystify her still more. + +"Oh, only to Flityville to get everything ready; you know what a state +the place is in. Now," and I looked tenderly into the amazed face of +Lady Ursula, "I shall indeed have an object in putting it in order, and +I shall expect you and Lady Ursula to come some day soon and suggest the +improvements. I have only one request to make before leaving, and I do +so, Lady Ursula, in the presence of your mother and sister; and that is, +that until I see you again, the subject of our conversation just now may +never be alluded to between yourselves. Trust in me, Lady Broadhem," I +said, taking her hand affectionately, "and promise me you will not ask +Lady Ursula what I have just told her; if you do," I whispered, "you +will spoil all," and I looked happy and mysterious. "Do you promise?" + +"I do," said Lady Broadhem. + +"And now, Lady Ursula," I said, crossing over to her and taking her +hand, "once more good-bye, and"--I went on in so low a tone that it was +impossible for Lady Broadhem to overhear it, but it made her feel sure +that all was arranged between us--"you have got the most terrible secret +of my life. I know I can trust you. You have seen me"--and I formed the +word with my lips rather than uttered it with my breath--"MAD! Hush!" +for Lady Ursula gave a quick exclamation, and almost fainted with alarm; +"I am myself again now. Remember my happiness is in your keeping"--this +out loud for Lady Broadhem's benefit. "I am going to say good-bye to +Lady Dickiefield, and you shall hear from me when I can receive you at +Flityville." + +I am endowed with a somewhat remarkable faculty, which I have not been +in the habit of alluding to, partly because my friends think me +ridiculous if I do, and partly because I never could see any use in it, +but I do nevertheless possess the power of seeing in the dark. Not after +the manner of cats--the objects which actually exist--but images which +sometimes appear as the condensations of a white misty-looking +substance, and sometimes take a distinctly bright luminous appearance. +As I gaze into absolute darkness, I first see a cloud, which gradually +seems to solidify into a shape, either of an animal or some definite +object. In the case of the more brilliant image, the appearance is +immediate and evanescent. It comes and goes like a flash, and the +subject is generally significant and beautiful. Perhaps some of my +readers may be familiar with this phenomenon, and may account for it as +being the result of what they call imagination, which is only putting +the difficulty one step back; or may adopt the wiser course which I have +followed, and not endeavour to account for it at all. Whatever be its +origin, the fact remains, and I only advert to it now, as it is the best +illustration I can think of to describe the mental process through which +I passed in the train on my way to Flityville. My mind seemed at first a +white mist--a blank sheet of paper. My interview with Lady Ursula had +produced this effect upon it. Gradually, and quite unconsciously to +myself, so far as any mental effort was concerned, my thoughts seemed to +condense into a definite plan of action; now and then a brilliant idea +would appear like a flash, and vanish sometimes before I could catch it; +but in so far as the complication in which Grandon, Ursula, the Broadhem +family, and myself were concerned, I seemed to see my way, or at all +events to feel sure that my way would be shown to me, if I let my +inspirations guide me. When once one achieves this thorough confidence +in one's inspirations, the journey of life becomes simplified. You never +wonder what is round the next corner, and begin to prepare for unknown +contingencies; but you wait till the corner is turned, and the +contingency arrives, and passively allow your mind to crystallise itself +into a plan of action. At this moment, of course, I have no more notion +what is going to happen to me than you have. Divest your mind, my +friend, that I know anything more of the plot of this story of my life +which you are reading than you do. I positively have not the slightest +idea what either I or any of the ladies and gentlemen to whom I have +introduced you are likely to do, or how it is all going to end. I have +told you the mental process under which I act; and, of course, this is +the mere record of those inspirations. Very often the most unlikely +things occur to me all of a sudden: thus, while my mind was, as it were, +trifling with the events which I have recounted, and throwing them into +a variety of combinations, it flashed upon me in the most irrelevant +manner that I would send £4000 anonymously to the Bishop of London's +fund. In another second the unconscious train of thought which led me to +this determination revealed itself. "Here," said I, "have I been +attacking this poor colonial bishop and the Establishment to which he +belongs, and what have I given him in return? I expose the abuses of his +theological and ecclesiastical system, but I provide him with no remedy. +I fling one big stone at the crystal palace in which Protestantism is +shrivelling away, and another big stone at the crystal palace in which +Catholicism is rotting, and I offer them in exchange the cucumber-frame +under which I am myself squatting uncomfortably. I owe them an apology. +Unfortunately I have not yet found either the man or the body of men who +do not prefer hard cash to an apology--provided, of course, it be +properly proportioned to the susceptibility of their feelings or the +delicacy of their sense of honour. Fairly, now," I asked myself, "if it +was put to the Bench of Bishops, would they consider £5000 sufficient to +compensate the Church for the expressions I made use of to one of their +order?" "More than sufficient," myself replied. "Then we will make it +four thousand." But the whole merit of the action lies in the anonymous, +and so nobody knows till they read this who it was made that munificent +donation. That I should have afterwards changed my mind, and answered +the advertisement of the committee, which appeared in the "agony" column +of the 'Times,' who wanted to know how I wished the money applied, by a +request that it should be paid back to my account at the Bank, does not +affect the question; I merely wished to show the nature of my impulses, +and the readiness with which I act upon them. + +Some days elapsed after my arrival at Flityville before I felt moved to +write to Grandon. The fact is, I was writing this record of my trials +for the world in general, and did not know what to say to him in +particular. At length, feeling that I owed him an explanation, I wrote +as follows:-- + + "FLITYVILLE, _March 19_. + +"You are doubtless surprised, my dear fellow," I began, "at my turning +myself into a hermit at this most inopportune season of the year; but +the fact is, that shortly after you left Dickiefield, I became so deeply +impressed with the responsibility of the great work I had undertaken, +that I perceived that a period of retirement and repose was absolutely +necessary with a view to the elaboration of some system which should +enable me to grapple with the great moral and social questions upon +which I am engaged. + +"Diverting my anxious gaze from Christendom generally, I concentrated it +upon my own country, in the hope that I might discover the root of its +disease. Morbid activity of the national brain, utterly deranged action +of the national heart. Those were the symptoms--unmistakable. Proximate +cause also not difficult to arrive at. Due to the noxious influence of +tall chimneys upon broad acres, whereby the commercial effluvium of the +Plutocracy has impregnated the upper atmosphere, and overpowered the +enfeebled and enervated faculties of the aristocracy; lust of gain has +supervened upon love of ease. Hence the utter absence of those noble and +generous impulses which are the true indications of healthy national +life. Expediency has taken the place of principle; conscience has been +crushed out of the system by calculation. The life-blood of the country, +instead of bounding along its veins, creeps sluggishly through them, +till it threatens to stagnate altogether, and congestion becomes +imminent. + +"Looked at from what I may term 'externals,' we simply present to the +world at large the ignoble spectacle of a nation of usurers trembling +over our money-bags; looked at from internals, I perceive that we are +suffering from a moral opiate, to the action of which I attribute the +unhappy complaints that I have endeavoured to describe. This pernicious +narcotic has been absorbed by us for hundreds of years unsuspected and +unperceived under the guise of a popular theology. We have become so +steeped in the insane delusion, now many centuries old, that we are a +Christian nation, that I anticipate with dread the reaction which will +take place when men awaken to the true character of the religious +quackery with which they have been duped, and, overlooking in their +frenzy the distinction which exists between ancient and modern +Christianity, will repudiate the former with horror, which, after all, +does not deserve to be condemned, for it has never yet been tried as a +political system in any country. Individuals only profess to be +theoretically governed by it. Nor would it be possible, as society is at +present constituted, for any man to carry out its principles in daily +life. That any statesman would be instantly ruined who should openly +announce that he intended to govern the country on purely Christian +principles, may be made clear to the simplest comprehension. For +instance, imagine our Foreign Minister getting up in the House of +Commons and justifying his last stroke of foreign policy upon the ground +that we should 'love our neighbours better than ourselves, or penning a +despatch to any power that we felt 'persecuted' by blessing it. When do +we even do good to anybody in our national capacity, much less to them +'that hate us'? We certainly pray like Chinamen when we want to +propitiate an angry Deity about the cattle-plague; but who ever heard of +'a form of prayer to be used' for nations 'who despitefully use us.' +Fancy the Chancellor of the Exchequer informing us that instead of +laying up for the nation treasures upon earth, he proposed realising all +that the country possessed and giving it to the poor. Christian +Churchmen and statesmen do not therefore sufficiently believe in the +power and efficacy of the Christian moral code to trust the nation to it +alone. Hence they have invented ecclesiastical organisations and +theological dogmas as anodynes; and the people have been lulled into +security by the singular notion, that if they supported the one and +professed to believe in the other, they were different from either +Mohammedans or Bhuddists. In a word, it is the curse of England that its +intellect can see truths which its heart will not embody. The more I +think of it the more I am disposed to risk the assertion, that if, as is +supposed, the moral code called Christian is divine, it is only not +practicable, literally, by the nation for lack of national heart-faith. +I tell you this in confidence, for I am already considered so wild and +visionary upon all these matters, and so thoroughly unsound, that I +should not like it to be generally known, for fear of its injuring my +political prospects. In the mean time it will very much assist me in +arriving at some of my conclusions, if you will kindly procure for me, +from any leading member of the Legislature, lay or clerical, answers to +the following questions:-- + +"First, Whether Jonah could possibly have had anything to say to Nineveh +which would not apply with equal force to this Christian +metropolis?--and if so, What? + +"Second, Specify the sins which were probably committed in Chorazin or +Bethsaida, but which have not yet been perpetrated in London. + +"Third, As statecraft (assisted by priestcraft) consists not in making +the State better but richer, explain why it is easier for a collection +of rich men--called a nation--to be saved, than for a camel to go +through the eye of a needle, but not so easy for one man. + +"Fourth, Does the saying that the love of money is the root of all evil +apply to a nation as well as to an individual?--and if not, how does it +happen that the more we accumulate wealth, the more we increase poverty +and misery and crime? + +"That is enough for the present. But oh! what a string of questions I +could propound to these stumbling pagans, stupefied by the fatuous +superstition that their country is safer than other countries which have +come to judgment, because they are called by a particular name! Is there +among them all not the faintest consciousness of an impending doom? or +is the potency of the drug such that it is impossible to raise a cry +loud enough to rouse them? Why will they go on vainly trying to solve +the impossible problem of Government, never seeing that whatever system +is introduced is merely a rearrangement of sinners; that voters are like +cards--the more you shuffle them the dirtier they get; and that it is of +no use agitating for a reform in the franchise without first agitating +for a reform in the consciences of those who are to exercise it, and in +the fundamental principles of the policy upon which we are to be +governed. + +"Wisely saith the greatest poet of the age, as yet, alas! unknown to +fame:-- + + "Reformers fail because they change the letter, + And not the spirit, of the world's design. + Tyrant and slave create the scourge and fetter-- + As is the worshipper, will be the shrine. + The ideal fails, though perfect were the plan, + World-harmony springs through the perfect man. + + We burn out life in hot impatient striving; + We dash ourselves against the hostile spears: + The bale-tree, that our naked hands are riving, + Unites to crush us. Ere our manhood's years, + We sow the rifled blossoms of the prime, + Then fruitlessly are gathered out of time. + + We seek to change souls all unripe for changes; + We build upon a treacherous human soil + Of moral quicksand, and the world avenges + Its crime upon us, while we vainly toil. + In the black coal-pit of the popular heart + Rain falls, light kindles, but no flowers upstart. + + Know this! For men of ignoble affection, + The social scheme that is, were better far + Than the orbed sun's most exquisite perfection, + Man needs not heaven till he revolves a star. + Why seek to win the mad world from its strife? + Grow perfect in the sanity of life."[2] + +[Footnote 2: 'The Great Republic: a Poem of the Sun.' By Thomas Lake +Harris. New York and London: published by the "The Brotherhood of the +New Life."] + +"Ah, my dear friend! how often, from my humble seat below the gangway, +have I gazed upon the Treasury Bench, and wondered how it was that right +hon. gentlemen, struggling to retain their dignity by sitting on each +other's knees, did not perceive that the reason why great reforms +perpetually fail is, not because they have not their root in some +radical injustice--not because the despotisms against which they rise +are in themselves right--but because those who attempt to inaugurate new +and better conditions upon the surfaces of society are themselves, for +the most part, desolate, darkened, and chaotic within! I am under the +impression, therefore, that no reform-agitation will ever do good which +is not preceded by an agitation, throughout the length and breadth of +the land, in favour of the introduction, for the first time, of this old +original moral code, not merely into the government of the country, but +into the life of every individual. Unless that is done, and done +speedily, those who are now morally stupefied will die in their torpor, +and the rest who are harmless lunatics will become gibbering and +shrieking demoniacs.-- + + Yours affectionately, + + "F. V." + +I had become so absorbed by the train of considerations into which I had +been led, that I never thought of mentioning to Grandon the +circumstances which attended my departure from Dickiefield. It was not +until after I had posted my letter that it occurred to me how singular, +considering the last words which passed between us, this silence would +appear. If to be odd has its drawbacks, it also has its advantages; and +I felt that Grandon would be as unable to draw any conclusions from my +silence as from any other erratic act of my life. After all, what could +I have said? It will be time, I thought, to venture upon that very +delicate ground when I get his reply. But this I was destined never to +receive, and the questions I had propounded are likely to remain +unanswered, for on the very next day I received the following telegram +from Lady Broadhem:-- + + "Your immediate presence here is absolutely necessary. Delay + will be fatal. + + "MARY BROADHEM. + + "GROSVENOR SQUARE, _20th March_." + + +[Illustration] + + + + +PART III. + +SUICIDE. + + +PICCADILLY, _April_. + +Considering the extent to which I have been digressing, it will be +perhaps desirable, before I plunge again into the stormy current of my +narrative, to define in a few words what, in the language of diplomacy, +is termed "the situation." After I have done so, I shall feel much +obliged if you will kindly "grasp" it. Briefly, it is as follows: I am +telegraphed for in frantic terms by an old lady who is under the firm +impression that I am engaged to be married to her daughter. I am +violently in love with that daughter, but for certain reasons I have +felt it my duty to account for my extraordinary conduct by informing her +confidentially that I have occasional fits of temporary insanity. That +daughter, I am positively assured by her mother, is no less violently +attached to my most dear and intimate friend. My most dear and intimate +friend returns the affection. Mamma threatens that if I do not marry her +daughter, rather than allow my most dear and intimate friend to do so, +she will ally the young lady to an affluent native of Bombay. So much is +known. On the following points I am still in the dark:-- + +First, What on earth does Lady Broadhem mean by telling me to come +immediately, as delay may be fatal?--to whom? to me or to Lady Ursula, +or herself? My knowledge of her ladyship induces me to incline towards +the latter hypothesis; the suspense is, however, none the less trying. + +Second, Does Lady Ursula imagine that I know how she and Grandon feel +towards each other? + +Third, Is Grandon under the impression that I have actually proposed and +been accepted by Lady Ursula? + +Fourth, Does my conduct occasionally amount to something more than +eccentricity or not? + +Fifth--and this was very unpleasant--Shall I find Grandon at our joint +abode? And if so, what shall I say to him? + +Sixth, Have Grandon and Lady Ursula met, and did anything pass between +them? + +Thank goodness Grandon was at the House. So, after a hurried toilet, I +went on to Grosvenor Square. The young ladies were both out. Lady +Bridget had taken advantage of the _chaperonage_ of a newly-married +rather fast female cousin, to go to a ball. Lady Ursula had gone to a +solitary tea with a crabbed old aunt. Lady Broadhem was in her own +sitting-room, lying on a couch behind a table covered with papers. She +looked wearily up when I entered, and held out a thin hand for me to do +what I liked with. "How good of you to come, dear Frank!" she said. It +was the first time she had ever called me Frank, and I knew she expected +me to acknowledge it by pressing her fingers, so I squeezed them +affectionately. "Broadhem said if I wanted to make sure of you I ought +to have brought Ursula's name into the telegraph, but I told him her +mother's would do as well." + +"What does the----" I am afraid I mentally said 'old girl'--"want, I +wonder? It must be really serious, or she would have shammed agitation. +There is something about this oily calm which is rather portentous. Then +she has taken care to have every member of the family out of the house. +What is she ringing the bell for now?" + +"Tell Lady Ursula when she comes home that I am engaged particularly, +and will come up and see her in her bedroom before she goes to bed," +said Lady Broadhem to the servant who answered it. + +"Does not Lady Ursula know of my having come to town in answer to your +summons?" I asked. + +"No, dear child; why should I inflict my troubles upon her? Even +Broadhem, to whom I was obliged to speak more openly, only suspects the +real state of the case. I have reserved my full confidence for my future +son-in-law." + +I lifted up my eyes with a rapturous expression, and played with a +paper-knife. She wanted me to help her on with an obvious remark, which +I declined to make; so, after a pause, she went on, with a deep +sigh,---- + +"What sad news we keep on getting of those poor dear Confederates, +Frank!" + +"Let us hope they will recover," said I, encouragingly. + +"Oh, but they do keep on falling so, it is quite dreadful." + +"There was no great number of them fell at Wilmington." + +"How stupid I am!" she said; "my poor mind gets quite bewildered. I was +thinking of stock, not men; they went down again three more yesterday, +and my broker declines altogether to carry them on from one account to +another any more. I bought at 60, and they have done nothing but go down +ever since. I generally go by Lord Staggerton's advice, and he +recommended me to sell a bear some months ago; but that stupid little +Spiffy Goldtip insisted that it was only a temporary depression, and now +he says how could he know that President Davis would replace Johnston by +Hood." + +"Very tiresome of Davis: but you should have employed more than one +broker," I remarked. "Persons of limited capital and speculative +tendencies should operate mysteriously. Your right hand should not know +what your left hand is doing." + +"Hush, Frank! you can surely be business-like without being profane. I +was completely in Spiffy's hands; Lady Mundane told me she always let +him do for her, and"--here Lady Broadhem lowered her voice--"I _know_ he +has access to the best sources of information. I used to employ +Staggerton, but he is so selfish that he never told me the best things; +besides which, of course, I was obliged to have him constantly to +dinner; and his great delight was always to say things which were +calculated to shock my religious friends. Moreover, he has lately been +doing more as a promoter of new companies than in buying and selling. +Now Spiffy is so very useful in society, and has so much tact, that +although there are all kinds of stories against him, still I did not +think there was any sufficient reason to shut him out of the house. +There was quite a set made against the poor little man at one +time--worldly people are so hard and uncharitable; so, partly for the +sake of his aunt, Lady Spiffington, who was my dear friend, and partly, +indeed, because Staggerton had really become useless and intolerable, I +put my affairs entirely into Spiffy's hands." + +"And the result is?" I asked. + +"That I must pay up £27,000 to-morrow," said Lady Broadhem, with the +impenitent sigh of a hardened criminal. + +"You should have kept his lordship to act as a check on the Honourable +Spiffington," I said; "but I cannot advise now, unless I know +everything." + +A faint tinge suffused Lady Broadhem's cheek as she said, "What more do +you want to know?" + +"Exactly what money you possess, and exactly how it is invested." + +"I don't see that that is at all necessary. Here is Spiffington's +letter, from which you will see how much I must pay to-morrow; my +assurance that I cannot produce so large a sum at such short notice is +enough." + +"You can surely have no difficulty in finding some one who would lend +you the money, provided you were to pay a sufficiently high rate of +interest." + +The tinge which had not left Lady Broadhem's cheek deepened as she +answered me, "Frank, it was on no hasty impulse that I telegraphed for +you. I do not feel bound to enter into all the details of my private +affairs, but I do feel that if there is one man in the world upon whom, +at such a crisis, I have a right to rely, it is he to whom I have +promised my daughter, and who professes to be devotedly attached to +her." + +"In short, Lady Broadhem," said I, rising and taking up my hat, "you are +willing to part with your daughter to me on condition of my paying a +first instalment of £27,000 down, with the prospect of 'calls' to an +unlimited extent looming in the background. I doubt whether you will +find Chundango prepared to go into such a very hazardous speculation, +but I should recommend you to apply to him." + +At that moment I heard Lady Ursula's voice in the hall, and the rustle +of her dress as she went up-stairs. I was on my way to the door, but I +stopped abruptly, and turned upon Lady Broadhem. She was saying +something to which I was not attending, but now was suddenly paralysed +and silenced as I looked at her fixedly. If a glance can convey meaning, +I flatter myself my eyes were not devoid of expression at that moment. +"What!" I thought, "is it reserved for the mother of the girl I love to +make me call her 'a hazardous speculation'?" It is impossible for me to +describe the intensity of the hatred which I felt at this moment for the +woman who had caused me for one second to think of Ursula as a +marketable commodity, who should be offered for purchase to an Oriental +adventurer. The only being I despised more than Lady Broadhem was +myself;--because she chose to take my angel off the pedestal on which I +had placed her and throw her into the dirt, was I calmly to acquiesce in +the proceeding? The storm raging within me seemed gradually to blind me +to external objects; my great love was battling with remorse, +indignation, and despair; and I stood wavering and distracted, looking, +as it were, within for rest and without for comfort, till the light +seemed to leave my eyes, and the fire which had flashed from them for a +moment became suddenly extinguished. + +I was recalled to consciousness by an exclamation from Lady Broadhem. +"Heavens, Frank, don't stare so wildly--you quite frighten me! I have +only asked for your advice, and you make use of expressions and fly off +in a manner which nothing but the excitability of your temperament can +excuse. I assure you I am worried enough without having my cares added +to by your unkindness. There, if you want to know the exact state of my +affairs, look through my papers--you will find I am a woman of business; +and I have got an accurate list which I shall be able to explain. Of +course all the more important original documents are at my solicitor's." + +I sat moodily down without answering this semi-conciliatory, +semi-plaintive speech. I did not even take the trouble to analyse it. I +felt morally and physically exhausted. The long journey, the suspense, +and this _dénouement_, had prostrated me. I took up the papers Lady +Broadhem offered me, and turned them vacantly over. I read the list, but +failed to attach any meaning to the items over which my gaze listlessly +wandered. I felt that Lady Broadhem was watching me curiously, but every +effort I made to grasp the details before me failed hopelessly. At last +I threw the packet down in despair, and, leaning over the table, clasped +my bursting forehead with my hands. + +"Dear Frank," said Lady Broadhem, and for the first time her voice +betrayed signs of genuine emotion, "I know I have been very imprudent, +but I did it all for the best. You can understand now why I hesitated to +tell you everything at first. You don't know how much it has cost me, +and to what means I am obliged to resort to keep up my courage; besides, +I have got into such a habit of concealment that I could not bear that +even you should know the desperate state of our affairs, though I had no +idea that in so short a time you could have unravelled such complicated +accounts and arrived at the terrible result. Perhaps you would like me +to leave you for a few moments. I will go and say good-night to Ursula, +whom I heard going up-stairs just now." + +I heard Lady Broadhem leave the room, but did not raise my head, and +indeed only slowly comprehended the purport of her last speech. As it +dawned upon me, the hopelessness of the whole situation seemed to +overwhelm me. Chaos and ruin like gaunt spectres stared me in the face! +What mattered it if the Broadhem family were bankrupt in estate, if I +was to become bankrupt in mind? What matter if they lost all their +worldly possessions? Had I not lost all hope of Ursula since I had heard +of her attachment to Grandon, and with her every generous impulse of my +nature? Why should I save the family, even if I could? Why in this +desert of my existence spend a fortune on an oasis I was forbidden ever +to enter or enjoy? Why should I bring offerings to the shrine at which I +might never worship? The whole temple that enclosed it was tottering. +Instead of helping to prop it up, why not, like Samson, drag it down and +let it bury me in its ruin? I threw myself on the couch from which Lady +Broadhem had risen, and, turning my face to the wall, longed with an +intense desire for an eternal release. At that moment my hand, which I +had thrust under the pillow, came in contact with something hard and +cold. I drew it out, and was startled to find that it was a small vial +labelled "POISON." I am not naturally superstitious, but this immediate +response to my thoughts seemed an indication so direct as to be almost +supernatural. I had hardly framed in definite terms the idea of a +suicide which should at once end my agony, when the means thereto were +actually placed in my very hand. Even had I doubted, the inward sense, +the inspiration to which I trust, and which has never yet failed me, +said, Drink! It even whispered aloud, Drink! From every corner of the +room came soft pleasant murmurs of the same word. Beautiful sirens +floating round me bade me drink. Every thought of moral evil vanished in +connection with this final act. I looked forward with rapture to the +long sleep before me, and with a smile of the most intense and fervent +gratitude I raised the bottle to my lips. I remember thinking at the +moment, "The smile is very important--it shall play upon my lips to the +end. Ursula, I die happy, for my last thought is, that in the spirit I +shall soon revisit thee," and the liquid trickled slowly down my throat. +It was not until I had drained the last drop that I suddenly recognised +the taste. It was the "pick-me-up" I always get at Harris's, the +apothecary in St James's Street, when my fit of nervous exhaustion come +on, but there seemed rather more of the spirituous ingredient in it than +usual. The life-stream began to tingle back through all my fibres--my +miseries took grotesque forms. "Ha! ha! Lady Broadhem! the means you +take to keep up your courage, which you so delicately alluded to just +now, have come in most opportunely. What a fool I was to make mountains +out of molehills, and call the little ills of life miseries! We will +soon see what these little imprudences are the old lady talks of." And I +took up the papers with a hand rapidly becoming steady, and glanced over +them with an eye no longer confused and dim. Oh the pleasure of the +sensation of this gradual recovery of vigour of mind and force of body! + +I was engaged in this task, and making the most singular and startling +discoveries, the nature of which I shall shortly disclose, when I heard +Lady Broadhem coming down-stairs. I felt so angry with her for having +been the means of tempting me to commit a great sin, and for the trouble +she was causing me generally, that I followed the first impulse which my +imagination suggested as the best means of revenging myself upon her. +Accordingly, when the door opened, she found me stretched at full length +on the sofa, my form rigid, my face fixed, my eyes staring, my hands +clenched, and my whole attitude as nearly that of a person in a fit as I +had time to make it. + +"Gracious, what is the matter?" said she. + +My lips seemed with difficulty to form the word "poison." + +"Frank, speak to me!" and she seized my hand, which was not so cold as I +could have wished it, but which fell helplessly by my side as she let it +drop. + +"Poison!" I this time muttered audibly. + +"Where did you get it?" said she, snappishly. For it began to dawn upon +her that I was not poisoned at all, but had discovered her secret. I +turned my thumb languidly in the direction of under the pillow. She +hastily thrust in her hand and pulled out the empty bottle. "You +fool"--she actually used this expression; I have heard other ladies do +the same--"you fool," and she was literally furious, "what did you go +poking under the pillow for? You are no more poisoned than I am; it is a +draught I am obliged to take for nervous depression, and your +imagination has almost frightened you into a fit. I put 'poison' on it +to keep the servants from prying. Come, get up, be a man--do," and Lady +Broadhem gave me her hand, in consideration for my weakness to help +myself up by. + +"Dearest Lady Broadhem," said I, pressing it to my lips, "I cannot tell +what comfort you give me. I was just beginning to regret the world I +thought I was about to leave for ever, when your assurance that I have +not taken poison, but a tonic, makes me feel as grateful to you as if +you had saved my life. I confess that, when I found that you considered +your affairs to be so desperate that you had provided the most effectual +mode of escape from them, I envied the superior foresight which you had +displayed, and determined to repair my error. If it is worth dear Lady +Broadhem's while to poison herself, I thought, it is surely worth mine. +But, after all, suicide is a cowardly act either in a man or a woman; +better far face the ills of life with the aid of stimulants, than fly +for refuge in the agony of a financial crisis to the shop of an +apothecary." + +"You are an incomprehensible creature, Frank," said Lady Broadhem; "I am +sure I hope for her own sake that Ursula will understand you better than +I do; but as your humours are uncertain, and you seem able to go into +these affairs now, I think we had better not waste any more time; only I +do wish" (with a wistful glance at the bottle) "you would provide +yourself with your own draughts in future." + +"How lucky," thought I, as I put on a business-like air, and +methodically began arranging the papers according to their docquets. +"Now, if it had been just the other way, and her ladyship had taken the +draught instead of me, how completely I should have been at her mercy? +Now I am master of the situation." + +"'Greek loan, thirty thousand,'" I read, going down the list; "I am +afraid this is rather a losing business. I see they have been already +held over for some months. I suppose some of the £27,000 is to be +absorbed there." + +"Yes," said Lady Broadhem; "because if I can carry on for another +fortnight, I have got information which makes it certain I shall recover +on them." + +"What is this? five hundred pounds' worth of dollar bonds?" I went on. + +"Oh, I only lost a few pounds on them. I bought them at threepence +apiece and sold them at twopence. Spiffy got me to take them off his +hands, and, in fact, made a great favour of it, as he says there is +nothing people make money more surely out of than dollar bonds." + +"Bubbs's Eating-house and Cigar Divan Company, Holborn. Well, there is a +strong direction. How do you come by so many shares?" + +"Lord Staggerton was one of the promoters, and had them allotted to me," +said Lady Broadhem. "He also was kind enough to put me into two Turkish +baths, a monster hotel, and a music-hall. You will see that I lost +heavily in the Turkish baths and the hotel, but the music-hall is paying +well. Spiffy says I ought never to stay so long in anything as I do; in +and out again, if it is only half a per cent, is his system; but +Staggerton used to look after my interests, and managed them very +successfully. I am afraid that all my troubles commenced when I +quarrelled with him. He is now promoting two companies which I hear most +highly spoken of, but he says I must take my chance with others about +shares, and he won't advise me in the matter. One is 'The Metropolitan +Crossing-Sweeping Company,' of which he's to be chairman, and the other +is the 'Seaside Bathing-Machine Company.' Spiffy says they will both +fail, because Staggerton has not the means of having them properly +brought out. Bodwinkle won't speak to him, and unless either he or the +Credit Foncier bring a thing out, there is not the least chance of its +taking with the public. They don't so much look at the merits of the +speculation as at the way in which it is put before them; and with this +system of rigging the market, so many people go in like me only to get +out again, that it is becoming more and more difficult every day to +start anything new. Oh dear," said Lady Broadhem, "how exhausted it +always makes me to talk 'City!' I only want to show you that I +understand what I am about, and that if you can only help to tide me +over this crisis, something will surely turn up a prize." + +"I know you disapprove of cards, but perhaps you will allow me to +suggest the word 'trump' as being more expressive than 'prize,'" I said. +"Well, now we have got through the companies, what have we here? Why, +Lady Broadhem, you have positively taken no less than seven unfurnished +houses this year. What on earth do you intend to do with them all?" + +"My dear Frank, where have you been living for the last few years? Do +with them? Exactly what dozens of smart people, with very little to live +on, do with houses--let them, to be sure. I made £1100 last year in four +houses, and all by adding it on to the premiums. I don't like furnishing +and putting it in the rent. In the first place, one is apt to have +disagreeable squabbles about the furniture, which, however good you give +people, they always say is shabby; and in the second, you get much more +into the hands of the house-agents." + +"Well, but," I said, "here is one of the largest houses in London--rent, +unfurnished, £1500 a-year. That is rather hazardous: who do you expect +will take that?" + +"Oh, that is the safest speculation of them all," said Lady Broadhem. "I +had an infinity of trouble to get it. Spiffy first suggested the plan to +me, and we found it succeed admirably last year. It was we who brought +out Mrs Gorgon Tompkins and her daughters. She took the house from me at +my own rent on condition that Spiffy managed her balls, and got all the +best people in London to go to them. This year we are going to bring out +the Bodwinkles. It will be much easier, because she is young, and has no +family. He, you know, is a man of immense wealth in the City--in fact, +as I said before, his name is almost essential to the success of any new +company. I told his wife I could have nothing to do with them unless he +came into Parliament, for they are horridly vulgar, and they were bound +to do what they could for themselves before I could think of taking them +up. Lady Mundane positively refused to have anything to do with them, +and, in fact, I live so little in the world, though I keep it up to some +extent for the sake of my girls, that it was quite an accident my +hearing of them. Now, however, he has got into the House of Commons, and +it is arranged that she is to take the house, and Bodwinkle is to help +Spiffy in City matters, on condition that he gets all Lady Mundane's +list to her first party. Poor Spiffy is a little nervous, as Bodwinkle +actually wanted to put it in writing on a stamped paper; but he is so +immensely useful to society, that the least people can do is to be +good-natured on an occasion of this kind." + +"No fear of them," said I; "if Bodwinkle is the only man who can launch +a company in the City, no one can compete with Spiffy in launching a +snob in Mayfair. But I thought you never went to balls." + +"I never do; but because I do not approve of dancing, there is no reason +why I should not let houses for the purpose. You might as well say a +religious banker ought not to open an account with a theatre, or a good +brewer live by his beer, because some people drink too much of it. If +any one was to leave a gin-palace to me in a legacy, I should not refuse +the rent." + +"Any more than you do the interest of your shares in the music-hall. And +now," said I, coolly, gathering up all her papers and putting them in my +pocket, "as it is past one o'clock, and I see you are tired, I will take +these away with me, and let you know to-morrow what I think had better +be done under the circumstances." + +"What are you doing, Frank? what an unheard-of proceeding! I insist upon +your leaving my papers here." + +"If I do, you must look elsewhere for the money. No, Lady Broadhem"--I +felt that my moral ascendancy was increasing every moment, and that I +should never have such another opportunity of establishing it--"we had +better understand each other clearly. You regard me at this moment in +the light of your future son-in-law, and in that capacity expect me to +extricate you and your family from your financial difficulties. Now I am +quite capable of 'behaving badly,' as the world calls it, at the +shortest notice. I told you at Dickiefield that I was totally without +principle, and we are both trusting to Ursula to reform me. But I will +relinquish the pleasure of paying your debts, and the advantage of being +reformed by your daughter, unless you agree to my terms." + +"And they are?" said her ladyship, doggedly. + +"First, that from this evening you put the entire management of your +affairs into my hands, and, as a preliminary measure, allow me to take +away these papers, giving me a note to your lawyer authorising him to +follow my instructions in everything; and, secondly, that you never, +under any pretence, enter into any company or speculation of any kind +except with my permission." + +A glance of very evil meaning shot across her ladyship's eyes as they +met mine after this speech, but I frightened it away by the savageness +of my gaze, till she was literally obliged to put her hand up to her +forehead. The crisis was exciting me, for Ursula was at stake, and it +was just possible my conditions might be refused; but I felt the +magnetism of my will concentrating itself in my eyes as if they were +burning-glasses. It seemed to dash itself upon the reefs and barriers of +Lady Broadhem's rocky nature; the inner forces of our organisms were +engaged in a decisive struggle for the mastery; but the field of battle +was in her, not in me. I had invaded the enemy's country, and her +frontier was as long and difficult to defend as ours is in Canada. So I +kept on pouring in mesmeric reinforcements, as she sat with her head +bent, and her whole moral being in turmoil. Never before had any man +ventured to dictate to this veteran campaigner. The late Lord had been +accustomed to regard her as infallible, and Broadhem has not yet known +the pleasures of independence. She never had friends who were not +servile, or permitted herself to be contradicted, except by a few +privileged ecclesiastics, and then only in unctuous and deprecatory +tones. That I, of whom the world was accustomed to speak in terms of +compassion, and whom she inwardly despised at this moment, should stand +over her more unyielding and imperious than herself, caused her to +experience a sensation nearly allied to suffocation. I seemed +instinctively to follow the mental processes through which she was +passing, and a certain consciousness that I did so demoralised her. Now, +I felt, she is going to take me to task in a "sweet Christian spirit" +about the state of my soul, and I brought up "will" reinforcements which +I poured down upon her brain through the parting of her front, till she +backed suddenly out of the position, and took up a hostile, I might +almost say an abusive, attitude. Here again I met her with such a shower +of invective, "uttered not, yet comprehended," that after a silent +contest she gave this up too, and finally fell back on the flat +rejection of me and my money altogether. This, I confess, was the +critical moment. She took her hand down when she came to this mental +resolution, and she looked at me, I thought, but it might have been +imagination, demoniacally. What had I to oppose to it? My love for +Ursula? No; that would soften me. My aversion to Lady Broadhem? No; for +it was not so great as hers for me. For a moment I wavered; my will +seemed paralysed; her gaze was becoming fascinating, while mine was +getting clouded, till a mist seemed to conceal her from me altogether. +And now, at the risk of being misunderstood and ridiculed, I feel bound +to describe exactly the most remarkable occurrence of my life. At that +moment I saw distinctly, in the luminous haze which surrounded me, a +fiery cross. I have already said that objects of this kind often +appeared to me in the dark, apropos of nothing; but upon no former +occasion had a lighted room become dim, and a vision manifested itself +within which seemed to answer to the involuntary invocation for +assistance that I made when I found the powers of my own will beginning +utterly to fail me; and, what was still more strange, never before had +any such manifestation effected an immediate revolution in my +sentiments. Up to that moment I had been internally fierce and +overbearing in my resolution to subdue the nature with which I was +contending, and I was actually defeated when I received this +supernatural indication of assistance. Before the dazzling vision had +vanished, it had conveyed its lesson of self-sacrifice, and created +within me a new impulse, under the influence of which I solemnly vowed +that if I triumphed now I should use my victory for the good not only of +those I loved, but of her then sitting before me. The demon of my own +nature, which had evidently been struggling with the demon of hers, +suddenly deserted me, and his place seemed occupied by an angel of +light, furnishing me with the powers of exorcism, which were to be +gained only at the sacrifice of self. My very breath seemed instantly +charged with prayers for her, at the moment I felt she regarded me with +loathing and hate. + +An ineffable calm pervaded my whole being. A sense of happiness and +gratitude deprived the consciousness of the conquest which I had gained +of any sentiment of exultation; on the contrary, I felt gentle and +subdued myself--anxious to soothe and comfort her with that consolation +I had just experienced. Ah, Lady Broadhem! at that moment, had I not +been in the presence of a "saint," I should have fallen upon my knees. +Perhaps as it was I might have done so, had she not suddenly leant back +exhausted. + +"Frank," she said, "I seem to have been dreaming. I am subject to fits +of violent nervous depression, and the agitation of this scene has +completely overcome me; my brain seems stunned, and all my faculties +have become torpid. I can think of nothing more now, do what you like; +all I want is to go to sleep. If you ring the bell in that corner, +Jenkins will come down. Good-night; I shall see you to-morrow. Take the +papers with you." + +I took Lady Broadhem's hand--it was cold and clammy--and held it till +her maid came down. She had already fallen into a half-mesmeric sleep, +but was not conscious of her condition. I saw her safely on her way to +her bedroom on the arm of her maid, and left the house with my pockets +full of papers, more fresh and invigorated than I had felt for weeks. A +new light had indeed dawned upon me. For the first time one of these +"hallucinations," as medical men usually term them, to which I am +subject, had contained a lesson. Not only had I profited from it upon +the spot, but it had suggested to me an entirely new line of conduct in +the great question which most nearly affected my own happiness, and +seemed to guarantee me the strength of will and moral courage which +should enable me to carry it out. + +As I walked home, with the piercing March wind cutting me through, +solemn thoughts and earnest aspirations arose within me, and, struggling +into existence amid the wreck that seemed to strew the disturbed +chambers of my brain, came the prayer of an old saint, which, in years +gone by, had fixed itself permanently in some vacant niche of my mind:-- + + "Great God! I ask Thee for no meaner pelf, + Than that I may not disappoint myself, + That in my actions I may soar as high + As I can now discern with this clear eye; + And next in value what Thy kindness lends, + That I may greatly disappoint my friends, + Howe'er they think or hope that it might be, + They may not dream how Thou'st distinguished me; + That my weak hand may equal my firm faith, + And my life practise more than my tongue saith; + That my low conduct may not show, + Nor my relenting lines, + That I Thy purpose did not know, + Or overrated Thy designs." + +Time alone will show whether the project I formed under the new +influences which were now controlling me, will ever be realised. + + * * * * * + +There is one point which I have in common with Archimedes,--my most +brilliant inspirations very often come to me in my tub, or while I am +dressing. On the morning following the scene above described, I trusted +to this moment to furnish me with an idea which should enable me to put +my plan into operation, but I sought in vain. + +In the first place, though I assumed in the presence of Lady Broadhem a +thorough knowledge of the peculiar description of the transaction in +which she was engaged, I feel bound not to conceal from my readers that +I have made it a rule through life to confine my knowledge of business +strictly to theory, and though I am as thoroughly conversant with the +terms of the Stock Exchange as with the language of the swell mob, I +avoid, in ordinary life, making use either of one or the other. Hence I +have always treated debentures, stock, scrip, coupons, and all the +jargon connected with such money-making and money-losing contrivances, +as pertaining to the abstract science of finance; nor do I ever desire +to know anything of them practically, feeling assured that the +information thus acquired is of a character calculated to exercise an +injurious influence upon the moral nature. I do not for a moment wish to +reflect upon those honest individuals who devote their whole lives to +the acquisition of money and nothing else. Had one of my own ancestors +not done so, I should not now be the millionaire I am, and able to write +thus of the pursuit of wealth. But let no man tell me that the supreme +indifference to it which I entertain, does not place me upon a higher +platform than a gold-hunter can possibly aspire to. When, therefore, I +looked forward to an interview with the Honourable Spiffington Goldtip, +I felt that I incurred a very serious responsibility. Not being versed +in the Capel Court standard of morality, or being in the habit of +treading those delicate lines upon which Spiffy had learnt to balance +himself so gracefully, I might, instead of doing him good, be the means +of encouraging him in that pecuniary scramble which enabled him to gain +a precarious livelihood. + +"After all," I thought, "why not hover about the City with one's hands +full of gold, as one used to after dinner at Greenwich, when showers of +copper delighted the ragged crowd beneath, and have the fun of seeing +all the mud-larking Spiffys, fashionable and snobbish, scrambling in +wild confusion, and rolling fraternally over each other in the dirt? If +I can't convert them, if I must be 'done' by them, I will 'do' to them +as I would be 'done' by; and rather than leave them to perish, will +adopt an extreme measure, and keep on suffocating them with the mud they +delight to revel in, till they cry aloud for help. What a pleasure it +would be to wash Spiffy all over afterwards, and start him fresh and +sweet in a new line of life!" As I said before, I was in my tub myself +as I made this appropriate reflection; then my thoughts involuntarily +reverted to Chundango. When I had threatened Lady Broadhem with the +mercenary spirit of that distinguished Oriental, I inwardly doubted +whether, indeed, it were possible for her to propose any pecuniary +sacrifice which he was not prepared to make, in order to gain the +social prize upon which he had set his heart; and I dreaded lest I +should have driven her in despair to have recourse to this "dark" +alternative,--whether, in order to save the Broadhem family from ruin +and disgrace--for I suspected that the papers I had carried away +contained evidence that the one was as possible as the other--Ursula +would accede to the pressure of the family generally, and of her mother +in particular, whose wish none of her children had ever dared to thwart, +was a consideration which caused me acute anxiety. I must prepare myself +shortly for a conversation on the subject with Grandon. What should I +say to him? Granting that the means occasionally justify the end, which +I do not admit, what would be the use of making a false statement either +in the sense that I was, or that I was not, going to marry Ursula? If I +said I was, he would think me a traitor and her a jilt; if I said I was +not, I must go on and tell him that the family would be ruined and +disgraced, or that she must marry Chundango to save it. He would obtain +comfort neither way. He had evidently not seen the Broadhems, and was +therefore sure now to be in blissful ignorance that anything has +happened at all. Better leave him so. If he is convinced that Ursula +loves him, he would never dream of her accepting me. Even had our +acquaintance been longer than it was, before I was so mad as to think of +proposing to her, the best thing I can do is certainly to hold my +tongue; but then, I thought, how will he account for my reserve? what +can he think except that it arises from an unworthy motive?--and I +brushed my hair viciously. At that instant I heard a thump at the door, +and before I could answer, in walked the subject of my meditation. + +"Well, my dear old fellow," said Grandon, as he grasped my hand warmly, +"how mysterious and spasmodic you have been in your movements! I was +afraid even now, if I had not invaded the sanctity of your +dressing-room, that you would have slipped through my fingers. I know +you have a great deal to tell me, of interest to us both, and we are too +fast friends to hesitate to confide in each other on any matters which +affect our happiness. True men never have any reticence as between +themselves; they only have recourse to that armour when they happen to +be cursed with false friends." I cannot describe my feelings during this +speech. How on earth was I to avoid reticence? how show him that I loved +and trusted him when I had just been elaborately devising a speech which +should tell him nothing? and I thought of our school and then our +college days--how I never seemed to be like other boys or other men of +my own age--and how when nobody understood me Grandon did, and how when +nobody defended my peculiarities Grandon did--how he protected and +advised me at first out of sheer compassion, until at last I had become +as a younger brother to him. How distressed he was when I gave up +diplomacy, and how anxious during the five years that I was exploring in +the Far West and gold-digging in Australia! and how nothing but his +letters ever induced me to leave the wild reckless life that possessed +such a wonderful charm for me; and how he bore with my wilfulness and +vanity--for the faults of my character at such moments would become +painfully apparent to me; and how now I was going to return it all, by +allowing him to suppose that I had deliberately plotted against his +happiness, and ruthlessly sapped the solid foundations upon which our +life's friendship had been built. He saw these painful thoughts +reflected but too accurately upon my face, for he had been accustomed to +read it for so many years, and he smiled a look of encouragement and +kindliness. "Come," he said, "I will tell you exactly, first, everything +I suspect, and then everything I know, and then what I think about it, +so that you will have as little of the labour of revelation as possible. +First of all, I suspect that you imagine that I had proposed to Lady +Ursula Newlyte before we met the other day at Dickiefield: I need not +say that in that case I should have told you as much upon the evening we +parted; I pledge you my word I have never uttered a syllable to Lady +Ursula from which she could suspect the state of my feelings towards +her, and she has never given me any indication that she returned my +affection; I therefore did not mention myself when you told me your +intention of proposing to her at Dickiefield; I only do so now in +consequence of a letter which I received from Lady Broadhem last night." + +"A letter from Lady Broadhem?" said I, aghast. + +"Yes," he said, "in which she encloses a copy of one of yours containing +a proposal to Lady Ursula, and informs me that you were aware, when you +made it, of the difficulties you might have to encounter through me. She +goes on to say that, whatever may have been her daughter's feelings +towards me at one time, they have completely changed, as she at once +accepted you; and she winds up with the rather unnecessary remark that +this is the less to be regretted by me, as under no circumstances would +I have obtained either her consent or that of Lord Broadhem. And so," my +poor friend went on, but his lips were quivering, and I turned away my +eyes to avoid seeing the effort it cost him--"and so, you see, my dear +Frank, it is all for the best. In the first place, she never loved me. I +have too high an opinion of her to suppose that if she had, she would +have accepted you; in the second, she would never have married me +against her mother's consent--and so, even if she had loved me, we +should have both been miserable; and thirdly, if there is one thing that +could console me under such a blow, it is, that the man she loves, and +the family approve, is my dear old friend, who is far more worthy the +happiness in store for him than I should have been." He put his hand +kindly on my shoulder as his strong voice shook with the force of his +suppressed emotion, and I bowed my head. I felt utterly humiliated by a +magnanimity so noble, and by a tenderness surpassing that of women. I +thanked God at that moment that Lady Ursula did _not_ love me, and I +vowed that Lady Broadhem should bitterly expiate her sins against us +both. Here, then, was the secret of her refusing to acknowledge that she +had stolen my missing letter at Dickiefield, and this was the precious +use she had made of it. The question now was, What was to be done? But +my mind was paralysed--all its strength seemed expended in vowing +vengeance against Lady Broadhem. When I tried to form a sentence of +explanation to Grandon, my brain refused its functions; I felt as if I +were in a net, and that the slightest movement on my part would entangle +me more inextricably in its meshes. The last resolution I had come to +before he entered the room was on no account to tell him anything, and +this resolution had now become an _idée fixe_. I had not clearness of +mind at the moment to decide whether it was right or wrong. I felt that +when my head was clear I had come to the conclusion that it was best, so +I stuck to it now. True, it involved leaving him in the delusion that +Ursula and I were engaged--but was it altogether certain to remain a +delusion? Did Lady Ursula really care for him? I had only Lady +Broadhem's word for it. Again, had I anything better to give him? would +it be a comfort to him to hear the Chundango alternative? These in a +confused way were the thoughts which flitted across my brain in this +moment of doubt and difficulty, so I said nothing. He misinterpreted my +silence, and thought me overwhelmed with remorse at the part I had +played. "Believe me," he said, "I do not think one particle the worse of +you for what you have done; I know how difficult it is to control one's +feelings in moments of passion; and you see you were quite right not to +believe Lady Broadhem when she told you Ursula cared for me." + +"I had already written the letter," I stammered out. + +"Of course you had: I never supposed you could do the dishonourable +thing of hearing she cared about me first, and writing to her +afterwards, although Lady Broadhem said so. When you did make the +discovery that Lady Ursula's affections were not already engaged, you +were perfectly right to win her if you could. I only bargain that you +ask me to be your best man." + +This was a well-meant but such a very unsuccessful attempt at +resignation on Grandon's part, that it touched me to the quick. "My dear +Grandon," I said--and I saw my face in the glass opposite, looking white +and stony with the effort it cost me not to fall upon his neck and cry +like a woman--"I solemnly swear, whatever you may think now, that the +day will come when you will find that I was worthy the privilege of +having been even your friend. I was going to say, Till then, believe me +and trust me; but I need not, for I know that, however unnatural it +seems for me to ask you not to allude again to the subject we have just +been discussing, you will be satisfied that I would not ask it without +having a reason which if you knew you would approve. On my conscience I +believe that I am right in reserving from you my full confidence for the +first time in my life; but do not let the fact of one forbidden topic +alienate us--let it rather act as another link, hidden for the moment, +but which may some day prove the most powerful to bind us together." + +Grandon's face lit up with a bright frank smile. "I trust and believe in +you from the bottom of my soul, and you shall bury any subject you like +till it suits you to exhume it. Come, we will go to breakfast, and I +will discourse to you on the political and military expediency of +spending £200,000 on the fortifications of Quebec." + +"Well," thought I, as I followed Grandon down-stairs, "for a man who is +yearning to be honest, and to do the right thing by everybody, I have +got into as elaborate a complication of lies as if I were a Russian +diplomatist. First, I have given both Lady Broadhem and Grandon +distinctly to understand that I am at this moment engaged to Ursula, +which I am not; and secondly, I have solemnly assured that young lady +herself that I am conscious of being occasionally mad." + +In this tissue of falsehoods, it is poor consolation to think that the +only one in which there may be some foundation of truth is the last. +Supposing I was to go in for dishonesty, perhaps I could not help +telling the truth by the rule of "contraries." I will go and ask the +Honourable Spiffington whether he finds this to be the case, and I +parted from Grandon in the hope of catching that gentleman before he had +betaken himself to his civic haunts. I was too late, and pursued him +east of Temple Bar. Here he frequented sundry "board-rooms" of companies +which by a figure of speech he helped to "direct," and was also to be +found in the neighbourhood of Hercules Passage and the narrow streets +which surround the Stock Exchange, in the little back dens of pet +brokers upon whom he relied for "good things." Spiffy used to collect +political news in fashionable circles all through the night and up to an +early hour of the morning, and then come into the City with it red-hot, +so as to "operate." He was one of the most lively little rabbits to be +found in all that big warren of which the Bank is the centre, and popped +in and out of the different holes with a quickness that made him very +difficult to catch. At last I ran him to a very dingy earth, where he +was pausing, seated on a green baize table over a glass of sherry and a +biscuit, and chaffing a rising young broker who hoped ultimately to be +proposed by Spiffy for the Piccadilly Club. He was trying to establish a +claim thereto now, on the strength of having been at Mrs Gorgon +Tompkins's ball on the previous evening. "It is rather against you than +otherwise," said Spiffy, who was an extremely off-hand little fellow, +and did not interrupt his discourse after he had nodded to me +familiarly; "I can't afford to take you up yet; indeed, what have you +ever done to merit it? and Mrs Gorgon Tompkins has enough to do this +season to keep her own head above water without attempting to float you. +I did what I could for her last night, but she can't expect to go on +with her successes of last year. We had a regular scene at 6 A.M. this +morning, 'in banquet halls deserted'--tears, and all that sort of +thing--nobody present but self, Gorgon, and partner. We took our last +year's list, and compared them with the invitations sent out this year. +The results were painful; only the fag-end of the diplomatic corps had +responded--none of the great European powers present, and our own +Cabinet most slenderly represented. Obliged to resort for young men to +the byways and hedges; no expense spared, and yet the whole affair a +miserable failure." + +"Have you tried lobsters boiled in champagne at supper, as a draw?" said +I. + +"No," said Spiffy, looking at me with admiration; "I did not know this +sort of thing was in your line, Frank." He had not the least right to +call me Frank; but as everybody, whether they knew him or not, called +him Spiffy, he always anticipated this description of familiarity. + +"To tell you the truth, I could pull the Tompkinses through another +season, but I am keeping all my best ideas for the Bodwinkles. +Bodwinkles' first ball is to cost £2000. He wanted me to do it for +£1500, and I should have been able to do it for that if Mrs Bodwinkle +had had any _h_'s; but the _crême, de la crême_ require an absence of +aspirations to be made up to them somehow. Oh, with the extra £500 I can +do it easily," said Spiffy, with an air of self-complacency. "She is a +comparatively young woman, you see, without daughters; that simplifies +matters very much. And then Bodwinkle can be so much more useful to +political men than Gorgon Tompkins; the only fear is that he may commit +himself at a late hour at the supper-table, but I have hit on a notion +which will overcome all these possible _contretemps_." + +"What is that?" said I, curiously. + +"In confidence, I don't mind telling you, as you are not in the line +yourself; but it is a master-stroke of genius. Like all great ideas, its +merit lies in its simplicity." + +"Don't keep us any longer in suspense; I promise not to appropriate it." + +"Well," said Spiffy, triumphantly, "I am going to _pay_ the aristocracy +to come!" + +"Pay them!" said I, really astounded; "how on earth are you going to get +them to take the money?" + +"Ah, that is the secret. Wait till the Bodwinkles' ball. You will see +how delicately I shall contrive it; a great deal more neatly than you do +when you leave your doctor's fee mysteriously wrapped in paper upon his +mantelpiece. I shall no more hurt that high sense of honour, and that +utter absence of anything like snobbism which characterises the best +London Society, than a French cook would offend the nostrils of his +guests with an overpowering odour of garlic; but it is a really grand +idea." + +"Worthy of Julius Cæsar, Charlemagne, or the first Napoleon," said I; +"posterity will recognise you as a social giant with a mission, if the +small men and the envious of the present day refuse to do so." + +"I don't mind telling you," Spiffy went on, "that the idea first +occurred to me in a Scotch donkey-circus, where I won, as a prize for +entering the show, a red plush waistcoat worth five shillings. The fact +is, Bodwinkle is so anxious to get people, he would go to any expense; +he has even offered me a commission on all the accepted invitations I +send out for him, graduated on a scale proportioned to the rank of the +acceptor. I am afraid it would not be considered quite the right thing +to take it; what do you think?" + +"I doubt whether society would stand that. You must bring them to it +gradually. At present, I feel sure they would draw the line at a +'commission.' Apropos of the Bodwinkles, I want to have a little private +conversation with you." + +"I am awfully done," said Spiffy. "I never went to bed at all last +night. I got some information about Turkish certificates before I went +to the Tompkinses; then I stayed there till past six, and had to come on +here at ten to turn what I knew to account. However, go ahead; what is +it in? Jones here will do it for you. No need of mystery between us. +'Cosmopolitan district' is the sort of thing I can conscientiously +recommend--I'll tell you why: I went down to the lobby of the House last +night on purpose to hear what the fellows were saying who prowl about +there pushing what my wretched tailor would call 'a little bill' through +Committee. It is becoming a sort of 'ring,' and the favourites last +night were light Cosmopolitans." + +"What on earth are they as distinguished from heavy?" I asked. + +"Jones, show his lordship the stock-list," said Spiffy, with a swagger. + +The investigation of the "list" completely bewildered me. Why a £10 +share should be worth £19, and a £100 share worth £99, 10s., in the same +company, was not evident on the face of the document before me, so I +looked into Spiffy's. + +"Puzzling, isn't it?" said Spiffy. + +"Very," I replied. "Now tell me," and I turned innocently towards Mr +Jones, for Spiffy's expression was secretive and mysterious--"explain to +me how it is that a share upon which only £10 has been paid, should be +so much more valuable than one which has been fully paid up." + +"Ask the syndicate," said Jones, looking at Spiffy in a significant way. + +I felt quite startled, for I expected to see a group of foreigners +composing this institution walk into the room. It was not until I had +looked again to Spiffy for information, and was met by the single open +eye of that gentleman, that I drew an inference and a very long breath. + +"Spiffy," I said, "I am getting stifled--the moral atmosphere of this +place is tainted; take me to the sweetest board-room in the +neighbourhood--I want to speak to you on private business." + +"Haven't time," said Spiffy, looking at his watch. + +"Not to settle little Lady Broadhem's little affair?" said I, in a +whisper. + +Spiffy got uncommonly pale, but recovered himself in a second. "All +right, old fellow;" and he poured a few hurried words in an +incomprehensible dialect into Jones's ear, and led the way to the +Suburban Washing-ground Company's board-room, which was the most minute +apartment of the kind I had ever seen. + +I shall not enter into the particulars of what passed between Spiffy and +myself on this occasion. In the first place, it is so dry that it would +bore you; in the second place, it was so complicated, and Spiffy's +explanations seemed to complicate it so much the more, that I could not +make it clear to you if I wished; and, in the last, I do not feel +justified in divulging all Lady Broadhem's money difficulties and +private crises. Suffice it to say, that in the course of our +conversation Spiffy was obliged to confide to me many curious facts +connected with his own line of life, and more especially with the +peculiar functions which he exercised in his capacity of a "syndic," +under the seal of solemn secrecy. Without the hold over him which this +little insight into his transactions has given me, I should not be able +to report so much of our conversation as I have. Nevertheless I thought +it right to tell him how much of it he would shortly see in print. + +"Gracious, Frank," said Spiffy, petrified with alarm, "you don't mean to +say you are going to publish all I told you about the Gorgon Tompkinses +and the Bodwinkles? How am I ever to keep them going if you do? Besides, +there are a number of other fellows in the same line as I am. Just +conceive the injury you will inflict upon society generally--nobody will +thank you. The rich 'middles' who are looking forward to this kind of +advancement will be furious; all of us 'promoters' will hate you, and +'_la haute_' will probably cut you. Why can't you keep quiet, instead of +trying to get yourself and everybody else into hot water?" + +"Spiffy," said I, solemnly, "when I devoted myself to 'mission work,' as +they call it in Exeter Hall, I counted the cost, as you will see on +referring back to my first chapter. I am still only at the beginning. I +have a long and heavy task before me; but my only excuse for remaining +in society is that I am labouring for its regeneration." + +"You won't remain in it long," said Spiffy, "if you carry on in your +present line. What do you want to do? Eradicate snobbism from the +British breast?--never! We should all, from the highest to the lowest, +perish of inanition without it." + +"Society," said I, becoming metaphorical, "is like a fluid which is +pervaded by that ingredient which you call 'snobbism,' the peculiarity +of which is that you find it in equal perfection when it sinks to the +bottom and becomes dregs, and when it rises to the surface and becomes +_crême_--though of course it undergoes some curious chemical changes, +according to its position. However, that is only one of the elements +which pollute what should be a transparent fluid. I am subjecting it +just now to a most minute and careful analysis, and I feel sure I shall +succeed in obtaining an interesting 'precipitate.' I do most earnestly +trust both you and the world at large will profit by my experiments." + +"Frank, you are a lunatic," said Spiffy, with a yawn, for I was +beginning to bore him. "I suppose I can't help your publishing what you +like, only you will do yourself more harm than me. Let me know when +society has 'precipitated' you out of it, and I will come and see you. +Nobody else will. Good-bye!" + +"He calls me a lunatic," I murmured, as I went down-stairs; "I thought +that I should be most likely to hear the truth by applying to the +Honourable Spiffington." + +The same reasons which have compelled me to maintain a certain reserve +in relating my conversation with this gentleman prevent me fully +describing the steps which I am at present taking to arrange Lady +Broadhem's affairs, and which will occupy me during the Easter recess. +Now, thank goodness, I think I see my way to preventing the grand crash +which she feared, but I decline to state the amount of my own fortune +which will be sacrificed in the operation. The great inconvenience of +the whole proceeding is the secrecy which it necessarily involves. +Grandon is under the impression that I am gambling on the Stock +Exchange, and is miserable in consequence, because he fancies I add to +that sin the more serious one of denying it. Lady Ursula, whom I have +avoided seeing alone, but who knows that I am constantly plotting in +secret with her mother, is no doubt beginning to think that I am wicked +as well as mad, and is evidently divided between the secret obligation +of keeping the secret of my insanity, and her dread lest in some way or +other her mother should be the victim of it. Lady Bridget is +unmistakably afraid of me. The other day when I went into the +drawing-room and found her alone, she turned as pale as a sheet, jumped +up, and stammered out something about going to find mamma, and rushed +out of the room. Did I not believe in Ursula as in my own existence, I +could almost fancy she had betrayed me. Then there is Broadhem. He is +utterly puzzled. He knows that I am come to pull the family out of the +mess, and put his own cherished little person into a financially sound +condition; and he is equally well assured that I would not make this +sacrifice without feeling certain of marrying his sister. But, in the +first place, that any man should sacrifice anything, either for his +sister or any other woman, is a mystery to Broadhem; and, in the second, +I strongly suspect that Ursula has said something which makes him very +doubtful whether she is engaged to me or not. Poor girl! I feel for her. +Was ever a daughter and sister before placed in the embarrassing +position of leaving her own mother and brother in the delusion that she +was engaged to be married to a man who had never breathed to her the +subject of his love, much less of matrimony? Then Spiffy and Lady +Broadhem's lawyer both look upon the marriage as settled: how else can +they account for the trouble I am taking, and the liberality I am +displaying? There is something mysterious, moreover, in the terms upon +which I am in the house. Lady Broadhem is beginning to think it +unnatural that I should not care to see more of Ursula; and whenever she +is not quite absorbed with considering her own affairs, is making the +arrangement known among mammas by the expression, "bringing the young +people together"--as if any young people who really cared to be +together, could not bring themselves together without mamma or anybody +else interfering. Fortunately Lady Broadhem is so much more taken up +with her own speculations than with either her daughter's happiness or +mine, that I am always able to give the conversation a City turn when +she broaches the delicate subject of Ursula. How Ursula manages on these +occasions I cannot conceive, but I do my best to prevent Lady Broadhem +talking about me to her, as I always say mysteriously, that if she does, +"it will spoil everything"--an alarming phrase, which produces an +immediate effect. Still it is quite clear that this kind of thing can't +continue long. If I can only keep matters going for a few days more, +they will all be out of town for Easter, and that will give me time to +breathe. As it is, it is impossible to shut my eyes to the fact, that my +best friend is beginning to doubt me--that the girl I love dreads +me--and that the rest of the family, and those sufficiently connected +with it to observe my proceedings, either pity, laugh at, or despise me. +This, however, by no means prevents their using their utmost endeavours +to ruin me. That is the present state of matters. The situation cannot +remain unchanged during the next four weeks. Have I your sympathies, +dear reader? Do you wish me well out of it? + + + + +PART IV. + +THE WORLD. + + + PICCADILLY, _May_. + +The great difficulty which I find in this record of my eventful +existence is, that I have too much to say. The sensations of my life +will not distribute themselves properly. It is quite impossible for me +to cram all that I think, say, and do every month into the limited space +at my disposal. Thus I am positively overwhelmed with the brilliant +dialogues, the elevating reflections, and the thrilling incidents, all +of which I desire to relate. No one who has not tried this sort of thing +can imagine the chronological, to say nothing of the crinological, +difficulties in which I find myself. For instance, the incidents which +occupied the whole of my last chapter took place in twenty-four hours, +and yet how could I have left out either the poison-scene, or my +interview with Grandon, or Spiffy's interesting social projects? Much +better have left out the poison-scene, say some of my critical friends. +It was not natural--too grotesque; but is that my fault? If nature has +jammed me into a most unnatural and uncomfortable niche in that single +step which is said to lead from the sublime to the ridiculous, am I +responsible for it? If, instead of taking merely a serio-comic view of +life, like some of my acquaintances, I regard it from a tragic-burlesque +aspect, how can I help it? I did not put my ideas into my own head, nor +invent the extraordinary things that happen to me,--and this is the +reflection which renders me so profoundly indifferent to criticism. I +shall have reviewers finding out that I am inconsistent with myself, and +not true to nature here--as, for instance, when I fell violently in love +with Ursula in one evening; or to the first principles of art there--as +when I wrote to propose to her next morning: as if both art and nature +could not take care of themselves without my bothering my head about +them. Once for all, then, my difficulties do not arise from this source +at all; they are, as I have said before, of the most simple character. +In fact, they resolve themselves into Kant's two great _a priori_ ideas, +time and space. Now I could quite easily run on in the moral reflective +vein to the end of the chapter, but then what should I do with the +conversations which I ought to record, but to which I shall not be able +to do justice, because I am so bound and fettered by the chain of my +narrative? What an idea of weakness it conveys of an author who talks of +"the thread of his narrative!" I even used to feel it when I was in the +diplomatic service, and received a severe "wigging" once for writing in +one of my despatches, "My lord, I have the honour to resume the 'tape' +of my narrative"--so wedded is the Foreign Office to the traditions of +its own peculiar style. I was glad afterwards they kept me to "the +thread," as when I wanted finally to break it I found no difficulty. By +the way, after I have done with society, I am going to take up the +departments of the public service. If I let them alone just now, it is +only because I am so desperately in love, and my love is so desperately +hopeless; and the whole thing is in such a mess, that one mess is +enough. At present I am setting my dwelling-house in order. When that is +done I will go to work to clean out the "offices." + +[Illustration] + +I may also allude here to another somewhat embarrassing circumstance +which, had I not the good of my fellow-creatures at heart, might +interfere with the progress of my narrative; and this is the morbid +satisfaction which it seems to afford some people to claim for +themselves the credit of being the most disagreeable or unworthy of +those individuals with whom I am at present in contact. They would +pretend, for instance, that there is no such person in society as +Spiffington Goldtip, but that I mean him to represent some one else; and +they take the 'Court Guide,' and find that no Lady Broadhem lives in +Grosvenor Square, so they suppose that she too stands for some one else +who does. Now, if I hear much of this sort of thing I shall stop +altogether. In the first place, neither Spiffy nor Lady Broadhem will +like it; and in the second, it is very disagreeable to me to be supposed +to caricature my acquaintances under false names. The cap is made a +great deal too large to fit any particular individual, so there is no +use in trying it on; but when, perchance, I find groups of people acting +unworthily, I should be falling into the same error for which I blame +the parsonic body of the present day, if I shrank from exposing and +cutting straight into the sores that they are fain to plaster and +conceal. In these days of amateur preaching in theatres and other +unconsecrated buildings, I feel I owe no apology to my clerical brethren +for taking their congregations in hand after they have quite done with +them. + +People may call me a "physician" or any other name they like, and tell +me to heal myself; but it is quite clear that a sick physician who needs +rest, and yet devotes all his time and energies to the curing of his +neighbours, is a far more unselfish individual than one who waits to do +it till he is robust. Therefore, if I am caught doing myself the very +things I find fault with in others, "that has nothing at all to do with +it," as Lady Broadhem always says when all her arguments are exhausted. + +Those of my readers who have taken an interest in her ladyship's +speculations and in my endeavours to extricate her from her pecuniary +embarrassments, may conceive our feelings upon hearing of the surrender +of General Lee. I regret to say that, in spite of every device which the +experience of Spiffy, of Lady Broadhem's lawyer, and of Lady B. herself +could suggest, her liabilities have increased to such an extent in +consequence of the rapid fall of Confederate stock, that I was obliged +to take advantage of the Easter recess to run over to Ireland to make +arrangements for selling an extremely encumbered estate which I +purchased as a speculation some years ago, but have never before +visited. This trip has given me an opportunity of enabling me thoroughly +to master the Irish question. I need scarcely say how much I was +surprised at the prosperous condition of the peasants of Connemara after +the accounts I had received of them. When I "surveyed" my own estate, +which consists of seven miles of uninterrupted rock, I regarded with +admiration the population who could find the means of subsistence upon +it, and whose rags were frequently of a very superior quality. I also +felt how creditable it was to the British Government, that by a +judicious system of legislation it should succeed in keeping people +comparatively happy and contented, whose principal occupation seemed to +me to consist in wading about the sea-beach looking for sea-weed, and +whose diet was composed of what they found there. That every Irishman I +met should expect me to lament with him the decrease by emigration in +the population of a nation which subsists chiefly on peat and +periwinkles, illustrated in a striking manner the indifference which the +individuals of this singular race have for each other's sufferings; and +it is quite a mistake, therefore, to suppose that absentee landlords, +who are for the most part Irish, live away from their properties because +they are so susceptible to the sight of distress that they cannot bear +to look upon their own tenantry. To an Englishman nothing is more +consoling than to feel that the Irish question is essentially an Irish +question, and that Englishmen have nothing at all to do with it--that +the tenant-right question is one between Irish landlords and Irish +tenants--that the religious question is one between Irish Catholics and +Irish Protestants--and that the reason that no Englishman can understand +them is, because they are Irish, and inverted brains would be necessary +to their comprehension. These considerations impressed themselves +forcibly upon my notice at a meeting of the National League, which I +attended in Dublin, the object of which was to secure the national +independence of Ireland, and to free it from the tyranny of British +rule. One of the speakers made out so strong a case for England, that I +could only account for it by the fact that he was an Irishman arguing +the case of his own country. "How," he asked, "is the English Parliament +to know our grievances, when out of 105 members that we send up to it, +there are not two who are honest? Why is not the O'Donoghue in the chair +to-day? he is the only real patriot, and we can't trust him. Why are the +Irish Protestants not true to themselves and the cause? Why, in fact, is +there not a single man of the smallest position and influence either on +the platform or in the body of the house, except myself, who am a +magistrate of the county of Cork, and therefore unable to advocate those +violent measures by which alone our liberties are to be gained? Is it +because we have got them already? No; but because Irishmen do not care a +farthing about them. Shame on them for their apathy," &c. It was +pleasant to listen to this Irish patriot inveighing against his +countrymen, and finally making England responsible for Irishmen being +what they are. Bless them! my heart warmed towards them as I saw them at +Queenstown trooping on board an emigrant-ship, looking ruddy and +prosperous, bound on the useful errand of propagating Fenianism, of +exhibiting themselves as choice specimens of an oppressed nationality, +and of devoting their brilliant political instincts, their indefatigable +industry, and their judicial calmness, to the service of that country +which is at present in danger of suffering from a determination of blood +to the head in the person of Andy Johnson. If anything can trim that +somewhat crank craft "United States," let us hope that it will be by +taking in Irishmen at the rate of one thousand per week to serve as +ballast; for most certainly the best means of increasing the sailing +qualities of the leaky old tub, "British Constitution," will be by +inducing the ballast aforesaid to throw itself overboard. I was pitching +and rolling abominably between Kingston and Holyhead as I drew this +appropriate nautical parallel, and was not in a mood to relish the +following announcement, which appeared in the pages of a fashionable +organ, that happened to be the first journal I bought in England:-- + +"We are in a position to state that a marriage is arranged between Lord +Frank Vanecourt, M.P., second son of the late Duke of Dunderhead, and +Lady Ursula Newlyte, eldest daughter of the late Earl of Broadhem." + +How I envied "our position," and what a very different one mine was! +However, the notice served its purpose, for it prepared me for what I +should have to encounter in London--the sort of running fire of +congratulation I must expect to undergo all along Piccadilly, down St +James's Street, and along Pall Mall. Should I simper a coy admission, or +storm out an indignant denial? On the whole, the most judicious line +seemed to be to do each alternately. The prospect of puzzling the +gossip-mongers generally almost consoled me for the feeling of extreme +annoyance which I had experienced. "The imbroglio must clear itself at +last," thought I, "but it will be a curious amusement to see how long I +can keep it from doing so;" and I bought an evening paper as I +approached London, by way of distracting my mind. The first news which +thrilled me as I opened it was the announcement of the assassination of +President Lincoln. I am not going to moralise on this event now, and +only allude to it as it affects the story of my own life. It saved me +that evening from the embarrassment I had anticipated; for even when I +went to the Cosmopolitan, I found everybody listening to Mr Wog, so that +nobody cared about my private affairs, and it induced Lady Broadhem to +make a secret expedition into the City of a speculative nature next +morning, as I accidentally discovered from Spiffy. It is not impossible +that the knowledge of this breach of faith on her part may prove a +valuable piece of information to me. + +I sauntered into "the Piccadilly" on the following afternoon, armed at +all points, and approached the bay-window, in which I observed Broadhem +and several others seated round the table, with the utmost +_insouciance_. They had evidently just talked my matter over, for my +appearance caused a momentary pause, and then a general chorus of +greeting. Broadhem, with an air of charming _naïveté_ and brotherly +regard, almost rushed into my arms; but his presence restrained that +general expression of frank opinion on the part of the rest of the +company, with reference to my luck, with which the fortunate _fiancé_ is +generally greeted. Still, the characters of my different so-called +"friends," and their forms of congratulation, were amusing to watch. +There was the patronising, rather elderly style--"My dear Vanecourt, I +can't tell you how happy the news has made me. I was just saying to +Broadhem,"--and so on; then the free and easy "Frank, old fellow" and +"slap on the back" style; then the "knowing shot" and "poke in the ribs" +style; then the "feelings too much for me" style--severe pressure of the +hands, and silence, accompanied by upturned eyes; then the "serious +change of state and heavy responsibilities" style. Oh, I know them all, +and am thankful to say the peculiar versatility of my talents enabled me +to give as many different answers as there are styles. I am not such a +fool as not to know exactly what all my friends said of the match behind +my back: "Sharp old woman, Lady Broadhem; she'll make that flat, Frank +Vanecourt, pay all the Broadhem debts;" or, "Odd thing it is that such a +nice girl as Ursula Newlyte should throw herself away on such a maniac +as Frank Vanecourt;" then, "Oh, she'd marry anybody to get away from +such a mother;" again, "I always thought Vanecourt a fool, but I never +supposed he would have deliberately submitted to be bled by the +Broadhems." That is the sort of thing that will go on with variations in +every drawing-room in London for the next few evenings. Now I am +striking out quite a new line to meet the humbug, the hypocrisy, the +scandal, and the ill-nature of which both Ursula and myself are the +subjects. Thus, when Broadhem greeted me in the presence of the company, +after I had received their congratulations with a good deal of ambiguous +embarrassment, I appeared to be a little overcome, and, linking my arm +in that of my future brother-in-law, walked him out of the room. "My +dear Broadhem," said I, "for reasons which it is not necessary for me +now to enter into, but which are connected with the pecuniary +arrangements I am making to put your family matters straight, this +announcement is a most unfortunate occurrence--we must take measures to +contradict it immediately." + +"Why," said Broadhem, "if it is the case, as you know it is, I don't see +the harm of announcing it. To tell you the truth, I think it ought to +have been announced sooner, and that you have been putting Ursula lately +in rather a false position, by seeming to avoid her so much in society, +because, you know, it has been talked of for some time past." + +"Ah, then, I fancy the announcement was made on your authority," I said. +"It is a pity, as I had made up my mind to postpone the ceremony until I +had not only completed all my arrangements for putting your family +matters square, but could actually see my way towards gradually clearing +off the more pressing liabilities with which the estate is encumbered. +You know what a crotchety fellow I am. Now, my plan is, clear everything +off first, and marry afterwards; and unless you positively contradict +the report of my marriage with your sister, I shall immediately +countermand the instructions under which my lawyers are acting, and take +no further steps whatever in the matter." I felt a malicious pleasure in +watching Broadhem's face during this speech, as I was sure that he had +done his best to spread the report of my marriage with his sister for +fear of my backing out, and escaping from my obligations in respect to +his financial embarrassments. It is only fair to him to state, that +these were none of his own creating--he had been a perfect model of +steadiness all his life. "It will be pleasanter for us both," I went on, +"that the world should never be able to say, after my marriage with your +sister, that you and your mother continue to live upon us. Now, I tell +you fairly, that, for family reasons, this premature announcement +renders it impossible for me to proceed with those arrangements which +must precede my connection with your family." + +Broadhem's face grew very long while he listened to this speech. "But," +he said, "it is not fair to Ursula that everybody should suppose that +you are engaged to her, and refuse to acknowledge it." + +"Pray, whose fault is it," said I, "that anybody supposes anything about +it? I have never told a soul that I was engaged to be married, and if +you and your mother choose to go spreading unauthorised reports, you +must take the consequences; but"--and a sudden inspiration flashed upon +me--"I will tell you what I will do, I will be guided entirely by Lady +Ursula's wishes in the matter. If she wishes the report contradicted, I +must insist most peremptorily on both Lady Broadhem and yourself taking +the necessary steps to stop the public gossip; but if she is willing +that the marriage should be announced, I pledge you my word that I will +allow no preconceived plans to influence me, or pecuniary difficulties +to stand in the way, but will do whatever she, your mother, and yourself +wish." + +"Very well," said Broadhem, "that sounds fair enough. I'll go and see +Ursula at once." + +"Not quite so fast; please take me with you," I said. "As it is a matter +most closely affecting my future happiness, I must be present at the +interview, and so must Lady Broadhem." + +"I don't think that is an arrangement which will suit Ursula at all. In +fact, both she and my mother are so incomprehensible and mysterious, +that I am sure they will object to any such meeting. Whenever I have +spoken to my mother about it, she always meets me with, 'For goodness' +sake, don't breathe a word to Ursula, or you will spoil all;' and when, +in defiance of this injunction, I did speak to Ursula, she said, in a +lackadaisical way, that she had no intention of marrying any one at +present; and when I went on to say that in that case she had no business +to accept you, she asked me what reason I had for supposing that she +ever had done so; and when I said, 'the assurance of my mother's ears in +the drawing-room at Dickiefield,' she stared at me with amazement, and +burst into a flood of tears." + +"Under these circumstances, don't you think you would have done better +not to meddle in the matter at all?" I remarked. "However, the mischief +is done now, and perhaps the best plan will be for you to bring about a +meeting between your sister and myself. I suppose whatever we arrange +will satisfy you and Lady Broadhem?" + +"Well, I don't know," said Broadhem, doubtfully; "she does not seem to +know her own mind, and I don't feel very sure of you. However, you are +master of the situation, and can arrange what you like. My mother is +going to a May meeting at Exeter Hall to-morrow to hear Caribbee Islands +and Chundango hold forth. I know the latter is to call for her at +eleven, so if you will come at half-past, I will take care that you have +an opportunity of seeing Ursula alone." + +This conversation took place as we were strolling arm-in-arm down St +James's Street on our way to the House, thereby enabling the groups of +our friends who inspected us from divers club-windows to assert +confidently the truth of the report. + +Just as I was parting from Broadhem at the door of the lobby we were +accosted suddenly by Grandon. He looked very pale as he grasped my hand +and nodded to my companion, who walked off towards "another place" +without waiting for a further greeting. "I suppose, now that your +marriage is publicly announced, Frank, it need no longer be a tabooed +subject between us, and that you will receive my congratulations." + +My first impulse was to assure him that the announcement was +unauthorised so far as I was concerned, but the prospect of the +impending interview with Ursula restrained me, and I felt completely at +a loss. "Don't you think, Grandon," I said, "that I should have told you +as much as gossip tells the public, had I felt myself entitled to do so? +I only ask you to trust me for another twenty-four hours, and I will +tell you everything." + +Grandon looked stern. "You are bound not to allow the report to go one +moment uncontradicted if there is nothing in it; and if there is, you +are now equally bound to acknowledge it." + +"Surely," I said, in rather a piqued tone, "Broadhem is as much +interested in the matter as you are, and he is satisfied with my +conduct." + +"I tell you fairly I am not," said Grandon. "You will do Lady Ursula a +great injustice, and yourself a great injury, if you persist in a course +which is distinctly dishonourable." + +At that moment who should come swaggering across the lobby where we +happened to be standing but Larkington and Dick Helter! "Well, Frank, +when is it to be?" said the latter. "You were determined to take the +world by surprise, and I must congratulate you on your success." + +"Thanks," said I, calmly, for I was smarting under Grandon's last words: +"the day is not yet fixed. What between Lady Broadhem's scruples about +Lent and some arrangements I had to make in Ireland, there has been a +good deal of delay, but I think," I went on, with a slight simper, "that +it has nearly come to an end." + +"There," said I to Grandon, when they had favoured me with a few +_banalités_, and passed on, "that is explicit enough, surely; will that +satisfy you, or do you like this style better?" and I turned to receive +Bower and Scraper, who generally hunt tufts and scandal in couples, and +were advancing towards us with much _empressement_. + +"My dear Lord Frank, charmed to see you; no wonder you are looking +beaming, for you are the luckiest man in London," said Bower. + +"How so?" said I, looking unconscious. + +"Come, come," said Scraper, and he winked at me respectfully; "we have +known all about it for the last two months. I got it out of Lord +Broadhem very early in the day." + +"Then you got a most deliberate and atrocious fabrication, for I suppose +you mean the report of my marriage to his sister, and I beg you will +contradict it most emphatically whenever you hear it," said I, very +stiffly. And I walked on into the House, leaving Grandon more petrified +than the two little toadies I had snubbed. I can generally listen to +Gladstone when he is engaged in keeping the House in suspense over the +results of his arithmetical calculations; but the relative merits of a +reduction of the tax on tea and on malt fell flat on my ears that +evening, and even the consideration of twopence in the pound off the +income-tax failed to exercise that soothing influence on my mind which +it seemed to produce on those around. I looked in vain for Grandon; his +accustomed seat remained empty, and I felt deeply penitent and +miserable. What is there in my nature that prompts me, when I am trying +to act honestly and nobly, to be impracticable and perverse? Grandon +could not know the extent of the complication in which I am involved, +and was right in saying what he did; yet I could no more at the moment +help resenting it as I did, than a man in a passion who is struck can +help returning the blow. Then the fertility and readiness of invention +which the demon of perverseness that haunts me invariably displays, +fairly puzzles me. And you too, I thought, as I looked up and saw little +Scraper whispering eagerly to Dick Helter, who was regarding me with a +bewildered look, quite unconscious that the Chancellor of the Exchequer +had become poetical in regard to rags, and was announcing that we were +about + + "To serve as model for the mighty world, + And be the fair beginning of a time," + +--"ah," thought I, as I gazed on that brilliant and ingenious orator, +"he is the only man in the House, who, if he was in such a mess as I am, +would find a way out of it." + +My first impulse on the following morning, before going to Grosvenor +Square, was to go and apologise to Grandon; and I had an additional +reason for doing so after reading the following paragraph in the +'Morning Post':-- + +"The Earl and Countess of Whitechapel had the honour of entertaining at +dinner last night the Marquess and Marchioness of Scilly, the Countess +(Dowager) of Broadhem, the Earl of Broadhem and Lady Ursula Newlyte, Mr +and Lady Jane Helter, Lord Grandon, the Honourable Spiffington Goldtip, +and Mr Scraper." + +To have made it thoroughly unlucky I ought to have been there as a +thirteenth. As it is, I wonder what conclusion the company in general +arrived at in reference to the affair in which I am so nearly +interested, and I told them off in the order in which they must have +gone in to dinner. The Scillys and Whitechapels paired off; Helter took +down old Lady Broadhem; Broadhem took Lady Jane; Grandon, Lady Ursula; +and Spiffy and Scraper brought up the rear. I pictured the delight with +which Helter would mystify Lady Broadhem, by allowing her to extract +from him what he had heard first from me and then from Scraper, and how +Spiffy and Scraper would each pretend to have the right version of the +story, and be best informed on this important matter. All this was easy +enough, but my imagination failed to suggest what probably passed +between Grandon and Ursula; so I screwed up my courage and determined to +go up to Grandon's room and find out We often used to breakfast +together, and I sent up my servant to tell him to expect me. Under the +circumstances I thought it right to give him the opportunity of refusing +to see me, but I knew him too well to think that he would take advantage +of it. + +He was sitting at his writing-table looking pale and haggard, as I +entered, and turned wearily towards me with an air of reserve very +foreign to his nature. + +"My dear Grandon," I said, "I have come to apologise to you for my +unjustifiable conduct yesterday, but you cannot conceive the worry and +annoyance to which I have been subject by the impertinent curiosity and +unwarrantable interference of the world in my private affairs. When you +told me I was acting dishonourably, an impulse of petulance made me +forget what was due to Ursula, and answer my inquisitive friends as I +did; but I am on my way to Grosvenor Square now, and will put matters +straight in an hour." + +"The mischief is done," said Grandon, gloomily, "and it is not in your +power to undo it. Whatever may have been the motives by which you have +been actuated--and far be it from me to judge them--you have caused an +amount of misery which must last as long as those whom you have chosen +as your victims live." + +"I beseech you be more explicit," I said; "what happened last night?--I +insist upon knowing." + +"You know perfectly well that as you stand in no nearer relation to Lady +Ursula than I do," and Grandon's voice trembled, while his eye gleamed +for a second with a flash of triumph, "you have no right to insist upon +anything; but I have no objection to tell you that as Lady Ursula was +quite in ignorance of any such report having currency as that which has +now received a certain stamp of authority, by virtue of the conspiracy +into which you seem to have entered with her mother and brother, she was +overwhelmed with confusion at the congratulations which it seems the +ladies heaped upon her after dinner last night, and finally fainted. Of +course all London will be talking of it to-day, as the Helters went away +early on purpose to get to Lady Mundane's before Scraper could arrive +there with his version of the catastrophe." + +"Did she tell you she did not care for me, Grandon?" said I, very +humbly. + +"She told me to forgive you, and love you as I used to, God help me!" +burst out Grandon, and he covered his face with his hands. "Frank," he +said, "she is an angel of whom neither you nor I is worthy; but oh, +spare her! Don't, for God's sake hold her up to the pity and curiosity +of London. I would do anything on earth she told me; but what spell have +you thrown over her that in spite of your heartless conduct she should +still implore me to love and cherish you? How can I obey her in this +when your acts are so utterly at variance with all that is noble and +honourable? I have at least one cause for gratitude," he continued, in a +calmer tone, "and that is, that the doubt which would force itself upon +me when I vainly tried to account for her conduct in accepting you so +suddenly has been removed." + +I had discovered what I wanted, for in spite of every effort to conceal +it, I detected a mixture of jealousy and of triumph in Grandon's last +speech. Ursula, in her moment of agony, had unconsciously allowed him to +perceive that he alone was loved, and had urged him still to love and +cherish me, because as an irresponsible being she had thought me more +than ever in need of sympathy and protection For a moment I wavered in +my resolution. Should I open my heart and give my dearest friend a +confidence which should justify me in his eyes, at the risk of +destroying the project I had formed on that night when, walking home +from my interview with Lady Broadhem, I had determined to devote my +energies to the happiness of others and not of myself? or should I +maintain that flippant, heartless exterior which seemed for the time +necessary to the success of my plans? As usual, my mind made itself up +while I was doubting what to do, and in spite of myself I said jauntily, +"Well, now that you know that she cares about you and not about me, I +suppose you have nothing to do but to return her affection?" + +"I have done that for some time," he replied, "but you know how +perfectly hopeless our love is; and yet," and his voice deepened and his +face flushed with enthusiasm, "I am happier loving hopelessly and +knowing that I am loved, than I have ever been before. Forgive me, +Frank, but I do not feel for you as I should have done had you behaved +differently. You had no right to let me suppose that she had accepted +you when the subject had never been breathed between you. Your +conscience must tell you that you have acted in an unworthy manner +towards us both." + +"Grandon," I said, sententiously, "my conscience works on a system +utterly incomprehensible to an ordinary intelligence, and I am quite +satisfied with it. I will have a metaphysical discussion with you on the +matter on some other occasion. Meantime you think Ursula has decided on +preferring the ruin and disgrace of the Broadhem family to a _mariage de +convenance_ either with me or any one else?" + +"I did not know it was a question of disgrace," said Grandon, "and I am +quite sure that Lady Ursula will do the right thing. I would rather not +discuss the subject any further; we shall certainly not agree, and I am +afraid that we might become more widely estranged than I should wish. +Here is breakfast. It was you who last asked me to bury this unhappy +subject, it is my turn now to make the same request. I wish to heaven it +had never arisen between us." + +"What a lucky fellow you are!" said I, looking at him with the eye of a +philosopher; "now you would never imagine yourself to be one of the most +enviable men in London, with the most charming of women and the most +devoted of friends ready to sacrifice themselves at your feet--she +_incomprise_, I _incompris_." + +"Don't trifle," said Grandon, sternly, interrupting me; "my patience is +not inexhaustible." + +"Luckily mine is," said I, with my mouth full of grilled salmon, +"otherwise I should not be the right stuff for a social missionary. +Apropos, you have never asked me what I have been doing in that line; +nor told me what you thought of the long letter I wrote you from +Flityville. Did you get me the answers to those questions?" + +"No," he replied, "I must honestly tell you, Frank, that it pains me to +discuss so serious a subject with one who makes so fair and earnest a +pretence of having deep convictions as you do, and whose acts are so +diametrically opposed to them; and now I must be off, for I have a +committee of the House to attend." + +"And I a rendezvous of a still more interesting character to keep;" and +as I left Grandon I observed a shade of disgust and disappointment cross +his face at my last speech. I always overdo it, I thought, as I walked +towards Grosvenor Square, but Grandon ought to make allowances for me. +He has known me all my life, but it was reserved for us both to be in +love with the same woman to bring out the strong points in each of us. +Lavater says you never know whether a man is your friend until you have +divided an inheritance with him; but it is a much more ticklish thing to +go halves in a woman's love. Never mind, I will astonish them both yet. +Now then, to begin with her; and I boldly knocked at the door. I found +Broadhem in his own little den. + +"It is all right," he said, as I entered; "I have told Ursula you are +coming, and she will see you in the drawing-room." + +I had not been for two minutes alone with Lady Ursula since we parted at +Dickiefield; indeed, when it is remembered that my whole intercourse +with her upon that occasion extended over little more than twenty-four +hours, and that we had never been on any other terms since than those of +the most casual acquaintances, the embarrassing nature of the impending +interview presented itself to me in a somewhat unpleasant aspect. Now +that it had come to the point, I could not make up my mind exactly what +to say. I tried to collect my ideas and go over the history of the +events which had resulted in the present predicament. Why was I in the +singular position of having to make a special appointment with a young +lady with whom I was desperately in love, whom I knew but slightly, but +who supposed me to be mad, for the purpose of asking her, first, whether +she considered herself engaged to be married to me or not; and secondly, +if not, whether she would have any objection to the world supposing that +such was the case? Now my readers will remember that the sudden impulse +which induced me in the first instance to delude Lady Broadhem into +believing that Lady Ursula had accepted me, arose from the desire to +save her from the tender mercies of Chundango. Lady Ursula had in fact +owed the repose she had enjoyed for the last two months entirely to her +supposed engagement to me. The moment that is at an end, her fate +becomes miserable. If she will but consider herself drowning, and me the +straw, I shall only be too happy to be clutched. If I cannot propose +myself as a husband, I will at least suggest that she should regard me +in the light of a straw. + +I had got thus far when I found myself in her presence. She looked very +pale, and there was an expression of decision about the corners of her +mouth which I had not before remarked. It did not detract from its +sweetness, nor did the slight tremor of the upper lip as she greeted me +detract from its force. It is a great mistake to suppose that a tremor +of the lip denotes weakness; on the contrary, it often arises from a +concentration of nervous energy. I am not quite so sure about a tremor +of the knees. That was what I suffered from at the moment, together with +a very considerable palpitation of the heart. Now the difficulty at such +a moment is to know how to begin. I have often heard men say that when +they have obtained an interview with a great statesman for the purpose +of asking a favour, and he waits for them to begin without helping them +out with a word, they have experienced this difficulty. That arises from +the consciousness that they are sacrificing their self-respect to their +"career." If they would never go near a statesman except when they +wanted to confer a favour upon him, they would have no difficulty in +finding words. Fortunately the great majority of our public _employés_ +are not yet hardened beggars like the Neapolitans, and are not, like +them, dead to any sentiment of shame upon these occasions, though it is +to be feared that they will soon become so. The responsibility of +demoralising the servants of the public lies entirely with the heads of +the departments. In proportion as these gentlemen are not ashamed of +sacrificing their subordinates in order to keep themselves in office, +will those subordinates become as unblushing place-hunters as their +masters are place-keepers. Once accustom a man to being a scapegoat, and +you destroy at a blow his respect for himself and for the man who offers +him up. I could become very eloquent upon this subject, if I was not +afraid of keeping Ursula waiting. There are few men who need having +their duties pointed out to them more constantly than Cabinet Ministers. +Attacks in the House of Commons do them no good, as they are generally +the result of party tactics, and spring from as unworthy a motive as +does the defence. Men who have got place do not pay much attention to +attacks from men who want it. Then, as I said before, the Church utterly +ignores its duties in this respect. Who ever heard of a bishop getting +up and pointing out to her Majesty's Ministers the necessity of +considering the interests of the country before their own? It would be +immediately supposed that he was bullying them, because he wanted to be +"translated;" and this would be considered the only excuse for the same +want of "good taste" which I, who am only desirous for their good, am +now displaying. I put it to you, my lords, in all humility, do you ever +get up in your places, not in the House of Peers, but in another House, +and point out to the rulers of the country that no personal +consideration should ever interfere with their doing the right thing at +the right moment? Do you ever explain to the noble lords among whom you +sit, that when a committee is chosen from both sides of the House to +inquire into a simple question of right or wrong, the members of it are +bound to vote upon its merits and according to their consciences, rather +than according to the political parties to which they belong? and do you +ever ask yourselves what you would do in the same circumstances? Do you +ever tell the heads of departments that they are responsible for the +_morale_ which pervades the special services over which they preside? +that the tone of honour, the amount of zeal and of disinterestedness +which subordinates display must depend in a great measure upon the +example set them by their chief? that you can no more expect an +orchestra to play in tune with a leader devoid of a soul for music, than +a department to work well without the soul of honour at its head? Do you +ever tell the leaders of the party with which you "act" that it is +wicked openly to collect funds to give candidates to bribe with at +general elections? Do you ever faithfully tell these great men, that +just in proportion as their position is elevated, so is their power for +good or for evil? and when you see their responsibilities sit lightly +upon them, do you ever take them to task for trifling with the highest +interests of the country, and stifling the consciences of its servants? +If the fact that in your ecclesiastical capacity you are beholden to one +or other of the political parties makes it delicate for you to attack +your opponents, then let the Liberal Episcopacy jealously guard the +honour of the Liberal Cabinets, and the Tory bishops watch over the +public morality of their own side so soon as it shall come into office. + +Of course I was not thinking of all this as I entered the drawing-room, +but I had thought it often before, and feel impelled to mention it now. +What I actually did was to blush a good deal, stammer a good deal, and +finally make the unpleasant discovery that that presence of mind which +my readers will ere this have perceived I possess to an eminent degree, +had entirely deserted me. I think this arose from the extreme desire I +felt that Lady Ursula should not at that moment imagine that I was mad. +Perhaps, my reader, it may have happened to you to have to broach the +most delicate of all topics to a young lady who regarded you in the +light of a rather dangerous lunatic, and you can therefore enter into my +feelings. I was not sorry to find myself blushing and stammering, as it +might have the effect of reassuring her, and making her feel that for +the moment at least I was quite harmless. + +"I am glad, Lord Frank," she said, observing my confusion, "that you +have given me this opportunity of seeing you, as I am sure you would not +willingly inflict pain, and should you find that you have +unintentionally done so, will make all the reparation in your power." + +At this moment I glanced significantly at Broadhem, who left the room. + +"Unfortunately it too often happens, Lady Ursula," I said, "that it is +necessary to inflict a temporary pain to avert what might become a +permanent misery." + +"I cannot conceive," replied she, "to what permanent misery, as +affecting myself, you can allude, in which your intervention should be +necessary, more especially when exhibited in a form which places me in +such a false position. I need not say that the announcement which I saw +for the first time in a newspaper caused me the greatest annoyance; but +when I found afterwards that my mother, my brother, and even Lord +Grandon, had heard it from your own lips many weeks before, and that in +fact you had given my mother, under a promise that she would not allude +to the subject to me, such a totally erroneous idea of what passed at +our interview at Dickiefield,--when I thought of all this, I could only +account for it by the last revelation you made to me there." + +She maintained her self-possession perfectly until she was obliged to +allude to my insanity, then she dropped her eyelids, and the colour for +the first time rushed into her cheeks as she shrank from touching on +this delicate subject. At the moment I almost felt inclined to tell her +that I was as sane as she was, but refrained, partly because I was not +sure of it myself, partly because I did not think she would believe me, +partly because, after all, it might be the best justification I could +offer for my conduct, and partly because I was not quite ready to enter +upon an explanation of the ruse by which I had hoped to save her from +the persecution of her mother to marry Chundango. This suddenly reminded +me of my idea that she was in the position of one drowning. I therefore +said, in a careless way, for the purpose of showing her that her +allusion to my insanity had produced no unfavourable impression upon +me,---- + +"Lady Ursula, would you have any objection to regarding me in the light +of a straw?" + +"A what!" said Lady Ursula, in a tone in which amazement seemed blended +with alarm. + +"A straw," I repeated; "I assure you you are drowning, and even an +unworthy being like myself may be of use to you, if you would but +believe it. Remember Chundango's conduct at Dickiefield--remember the +view Lady Broadhem took of it, until I interposed, or as I should more +accurately say, until the current swept me past her--remember that up to +this moment she has never recurred to the subject of Mr Chundango, who, +although he comes to the house constantly, now devotes himself entirely +to Lady Broadhem herself; and, allow me to say it, you owe it all to a +timely straw." + +Lady Ursula seemed struck by the graphic way in which I put her position +before her, and remained silent for a few moments. It had evidently +never occurred to her, that I had indirectly been the means of securing +her tranquillity. She little thought it possible that her mother could +have talked her matrimonial prospects over with a comparative stranger +in the mercantile terms which Lady Broadhem had used in our interview at +Dickiefield. And I am well aware that society generally would consider +such conduct on the part of her ladyship coarse and unladylike. It +showed a disregard of _les convenances_ which good society is the first +to resent. Those who have never secretly harboured the designs which +Lady Broadhem in the agony of a financial crisis avowed, might justly +repudiate her conduct; but "conscience does make cowards of us all," and +fashionable mothers will naturally be the first to censure in Lady +Broadhem a practice to which, in a less glaring and obnoxious form, they +are so strongly addicted. If in silvery accents she had confided her +projects to Lady Mundane, the world would have considered it natural and +ladylike enough; the coarseness consisted in her telling them to me. O +generation of slave-owners! why persist in deluding yourselves into the +belief, that so long as you buy and sell your own flesh and blood in a +whisper there is no harm in it? + +My gentle critics, I would strongly advise you not to place me on my +defence in these matters; I have every disposition to let you down as +gently as possible, but if you play tricks with the rope, I shall have +to let you down by the run. Why, it was only last year that all the +world went to Mrs Gorgon Tompkins's second ball. They no more cared than +she did, that she had lost one of her daughters early in the season, +just after she had given the first. I remember Spiffy Goldtip taking +public opinion in the club about it, and asking whether an interval of +four months was not enough to satisfy the requirements of society in the +matter, as it would be so sad if, after having made such good social +running before Easter, Mrs Gorgon Tompkins were to lose it all +afterwards through an unfortunate domestic _contretemps_ of this kind. +Now I doubt whether Lady Broadhem could surpass that. However, she is +capable of great feats, and I fully expect she will strike out a new +line soon; there has been a lurking demon in her eye of late which +alarms me. Fortunately I am not yet finally committed, financially. It +is true it has cost me a few thousands, which I shall never see again, +to tide the family over its difficulties thus far, but I can still let +it down with a crash if it suits me. + +"Lord Frank," said Lady Ursula, after a pause, "I have already alluded +to the circumstance which has induced me to treat you with a forbearance +which I could not have extended to one whom I regarded as responsible +for conduct unwarrantable towards myself, and certainly not to be +justified by any possible advantage which I might be supposed to derive +from it. I consented to see you now, because I feel sure that when you +know from my own lips that I wish you at once to deny the rumour you +have been the means of originating, I may depend upon your doing so." + +"May I ask," I said, with much contrition in my tone, "what explanation +you gave Lady Broadhem on the subject?" + +"If you mean," said Lady Ursula, "whether I accounted to mamma for your +conduct as I do to myself--in other words, whether I betrayed your +secret--I have carefully refrained from discussing the subject with her. +Fortunately, after dinner at the Whitechapels' last night, Broadhem told +me that he had seen you, and that you were coming here to-day, so I +assured mamma that she would hear from you the true state of the case; +though, of course, I felt myself bound to let her understand that, owing +to a fact which I was unable to explain, she had been completely misled +by you." + +"And what did Lady Broadhem say?" I asked. + +"She said that had it not been for a meeting she was obliged to attend +this morning, she would have waited to see you to-day; but that she was +sure I laboured under some strange delusion, and that a few words of +explanation from you would smooth everything." + +"Will you allow me to tell you what those few words are?" said I. "Lady +Broadhem little imagines the real state of the case, because she knows +what you do not know, that I am engaged in clearing off her own +pecuniary liabilities, and making arrangements by which the old-standing +claims on the Broadhem estates may be met. You may never have heard how +seriously the family is embarrassed, and how unlucky all Lady Broadhem's +attempts to retrieve its fortunes by speculation have been. I could only +account to her for the pecuniary sacrifices she knows I am making by +allowing her to suppose that I was incurring them for your sake." I +could not resist letting a certain tone of pique penetrate this speech, +and the puzzled and pained expression of Lady Ursula's face afforded me +a sense of momentary gratification, of which I speedily repented. As she +looked at me earnestly, her large blue eyes filled slowly with tears. +"Is she crying because this last speech of mine proves me hopelessly +mad?" thought I; "or does she feel herself in a pecuniary trap, and is +she crying because she does not see her way out of it?" and I felt the +old sensation coming over me, and my head beginning to swim. Why, oh +why, am I denied that method in my madness which it must be such a +comfort to possess? It is just at the critical moment that my osseous +matter invariably plays me a trick. I seemed groping for light and +strength, and mechanically put out my hand; the soft touch of one placed +gently in it thrilled through my nerves with an indescribable current, +and instantaneously the horrid feeling left me, and I emerged from the +momentary torpor into which I had fallen. I don't think Ursula remarked +it, for she said, and her eyes were now overflowing, in a voice of +surpassing sweetness, "Lord Frank, I have discovered your _real_ secret; +it is no longer possible for you to conceal the noble motives which have +actuated you under your pretended----" + +"Hush!" I said, interrupting her; "what I did, whether rightly or +wrongly, I did for the best. Now I will be guided by your wishes. What +am I to do?" + +"Allow no worldly consideration, however unselfish, either for myself or +those dearest to me, to induce you to swerve from the course which truth +and honour distinctly point out. Whatever may seem to be the +consequences, we are both bound to follow this, and we have but to feel +that, if need be, we are ready to make great sacrifices to receive the +requisite faith and strength. Believe me," she concluded, and her voice +trembled slightly, "whatever happens, I shall feel that you have given +me proofs of a friendship upon which I may depend." + +I pressed the hand I still held, and I felt the touch was sacred. "Ah," +thought I, as I left the room, and was conscious that the gentle +influence of her I had parted from was still resting upon me, "that is +the right kind of spirit-medium. There is a magnetism in that slender +finger which supports and purifies." O my hardened and material readers! +don't suppose that because I know you will laugh at the idea of a +purifying or invigorating magnetism I shall hesitate to write exactly +what I feel on such matters. If I refrain from saying a great deal more, +it is not because I shrink from your ridicule but from your ignorance. +You may not believe that the pearls exist; I honestly admit that they +are not yet in my possession, but I have seen those who own them, and, +unfortunately, also I have seen the animals before whom they have been +cast. And you, my dear young ladies, do not ignore the responsibility +which the influence you are able to exercise over young men imposes upon +you. You need not call it magnetism unless you like, but be sure that +there is that conveyed in a touch or a glance which elevates or degrades +him upon whom it is bestowed, according as you preserve the purity and +simplicity of your inmost natures. If you would only regard yourselves +in the light of female missionaries to that benighted tribe of +lavender-gloved young gentlemen who flutter about you like moths round a +candle, you would send them away glowing and happy, instead of singeing +their wings. If, when these butterflies come to sip, you would give them +honey instead of poison, they would not forsake you as they do now for +the gaudy flowers which are too near you. I know what you have to +contend against--the scheming mothers who bring you up to the +"Daughticultural Show," labelled and decorated, and put up to +competition as likely prize-winners--who deliberately expose you to the +first rush of your first seasons, and mercilessly watch you as you are +swept along by the tearing stream--who see you without compunction cast +away on sandbanks of worldliness, where you remain till you become as +"hard" and as "fast" as those you find stranded there before you. Here +your minds become properly, or rather improperly, opened. You hear, for +the first time, to your astonishment, young men talked of by their +Christian or nick names--their domestic life canvassed, their +eligibility discussed, and the varied personal experiences through which +your "hard and fast" friends have passed, related. + +Then, better prepared for the rest of the voyage, you start again, and +venture a little on your own account. What bold swimmers you are +becoming now! How you laugh and defy the rocks and reefs upon which you +are ultimately destined to split! Already you look back with surprise to +the time when almost everything you heard shocked you. What an immense +amount of unnecessary knowledge you have acquired since then, and how +recklessly you display it! Do you think it has softened and elevated +you? Do you think the moral contact which should be life-giving to those +who know you, benefits them? + +It is not true, because young men behave heartlessly, that you must +flirt "in self-defence," as you call it. When a warfare of this kind +once begins, it is difficult to fix the responsibility; but if one side +left off, the occupation of the other would be gone. If you want to +revenge yourselves on these fickle youths--_strike!_ as they do in the +manufacturing districts. Conceive the wholesome panic you would cause, +if you combined into "unions" like the working-classes, and every girl +in London bound herself not to flirt for the entire season! + +Unless you do something of this kind soon, you will reverse the whole +system of nature. The men will be the candles and you the moths; they +will be the flowers, and you the butterflies. If all the brothers in +London persist in trying to imitate their sisters, and all the sisters +ape their brothers, what a nice confusion we shall arrive at! The reason +I preach to you and not to them now, is, because I think I have a better +chance with the mind of a masculine young woman than with that of a +feminine young man. If you only knew what a comfort it would be to talk +sense instead of that incessant chaff, you would read a little more. I +don't object to your riding in the Park--the abominable constitution of +society makes it almost the only opportunity of seeing and talking to +those you like without being talked about; but you need not rush off for +a drive in the carriage immediately after lunch, just because you are +too restless to stay at home. + +First, the Park and young men, then lunch, then Marshall and Snelgrove, +then tea and young men again, then dinner, drums, and balls, and young +men till three A.M. That is the tread-wheel you have chosen to turn +without the smallest profit to yourself or any one else. If I seem to +speak strongly, it is because my heart yearns over you. I belonged once +to the lavender-gloved tribe myself, and though I have long since +abandoned the hunting-grounds of my youth, I would give the world to see +them happy and innocent. Moreover, I know you too well to imagine that I +have written a word which will offend you. Far from it. We shall be +warmer and closer friends ever after; but I am strongly afraid mamma +will disapprove. She will call 'Piccadilly' "highly improper," and say +that it is a book she has not allowed any of "her girls" to read. I +don't want to preach disobedience; but there are modes well known to my +fair young friends of reading books which mamma forbids, and I trust +that they will never read one against her wish which may leave a more +injurious impression upon their minds than 'Piccadilly.' + +[Illustration] + + + + +PART V. + +THE FLESH. + + + PICCADILLY, _June_. + +Somebody ought to compile a handbook for _débutants_ and _débutantes_, +setting forth the most approved modes of procuring invitations to balls +and parties during the London season. Not only would it be a very +invaluable guide now, but it would be interesting for posterity to refer +to as illustrating the manners and customs of their ancestors, and +accounting for the hereditary taint of snobbism which is probably +destined to characterise in an eminent degree the population of the +British Isles. "En Angleterre," said a cynical Dutch diplomatist, +"numéro deux va chez numéro un, pour s'en glorifier auprès de numéro +trois." Had he gone to the Bodwinkle ball, he would have remarked a +curious inversion of his aphorism, for there it was _numéro un_ who went +down to _numéro deux_. But I must leave it to Van den Bosch (that, I +think, was his name) to discover what there was to boast about to number +three. He was evidently a profound philosopher, but I doubt his getting +to the bottom of this great social problem. To do so he would have to +look at it free from all petty prejudice, recognising its sublime as +well as its ridiculous features. Why did Duchesses struggle to be asked +to Bodwinkle's? I almost think a new phase of snobbism is cropping out, +and the rivalry will be to try, not who can rise highest, but who can +sink lowest, in the social scale. The fashionable world is so _blasé_ of +itself that it has positively become tired of worshipping wealth, unless +its owners possess the charm of extreme vulgarity. Its taste has become +so vitiated by being unnaturally excited and pandered to, that we shall +have to invent some new object of ambition. Why, for instance, should +not a select clique of Oxford Street shopkeepers give a series of +parties which might become the rage for one season? They have only to +get two or three leaders of _ton_ to patronise them at first, and be +very exclusive and select in their invitations afterwards, to insure +success. A year or two ago the thing to do was Cremorne; why not have an +Oxford Street year? The Bodwinkle tendency will result at last in its +being the great ambition of a man's life to get his daughters asked to +"a little music and a few friends" at his bootmaker's. + +In Paris, which is becoming rapidly impregnated with this spirit, that +city being in a very receptive condition for everything bad from all +parts of the world--in Paris, I say, they have made a very good start, +as any of my fair friends who have patronised Mr Worth's afternoon +tea-parties in the Rue de la Paix will readily acknowledge. They will +bear testimony to the good taste of the milliner, and I to the bad taste +of his customers. That vain women in the highest circles of Parisian +fashion can, in an eager rivalry to display as much of their backs as +possible, endeavour to obtain the especial patronage of a +man-dressmaker, by accepting his invitations to tea, should be a warning +to you, O gentle English dames! of what you may come to. Why sacrifice +self-respect and propriety to shoulder-straps? Why insist upon it that +there is only one man in the world who knows how to cut out a dress +behind? Supposing he can bring it an inch lower down than anybody +else--if you give that inch, beware of the ell. Why, oh why, advertise +your clothes in the newspapers? Is it not enough to puff your +dinner-parties in the public journals at so much a "notice," without +paying 15s. apiece to your dressmaker to put your names into the +'Morning Post,' coupled with your wearing apparel, every time you go to +Court? If you persist in the practice, let me recommend you, as a +measure of economy, to put in your own advertisements. The press charge +is 10s. 6d.; the dressmaker pockets the other 4s. 6d. Or else be +generous: why keep the whole advertisement to yourself? let the poor +dressmaker put her name in as having furnished the raiment, and she +will, perhaps, let you off the 4s. 6d.; otherwise, you may do it still +cheaper by bills on hoardings-- + + IMMENSE ATTRACTION! + + The Marchioness of Scilly will appear at Court on the ---- + inst. Train glacé--poult de soie bouillionée, &c. + +I am not sure that to attend the professional social gatherings of a +Parisian "undressmaker" and pay him twenty francs a "look" is not less +objectionable, but this is the British way of worshipping the same idol. +This vein of reflection was suggested to me by Bodwinkle's ball. Talk of +sermons in stones! they are nothing to the sermons contained in drums +and balls. + +First, I have already let my readers into the secret history of that +ball. I have told them how Lady Broadhem and Spiffy Goldtip combined +their resources and launched the Bodwinkles in Vanity Fair with a +gorgeous mansion and Lady Mundane's invitation list. To describe all +Spiffy's exertions in the Bodwinkle cause for some days prior to the +ball would be impossible. To tell of the extraordinary suggestions that +Bodwinkle was continually making with reference to the decoration of the +banisters, the arrangements for supper, and the utter ignorance he +displayed throughout of the nature of the enterprise upon which he had +embarked, would occupy more space than I can afford. To give a list of +the guests would be superfluous, as they were very accurately reported +in the columns of the 'Morning Post.' In spite of all Spiffy could do, +Bodwinkle would insist upon inviting a number of his own friends, and +nearly ruined the party irretrievably by allowing one man to bring his +daughters. However, as Mrs B. did not take the slightest notice of them, +and as they knew nobody, they went away early. Nevertheless, as Lady +Veriphast said, "There were all kinds of people that one had never seen +in one's life before." This was the great mistake. People don't yet +humiliate themselves to get invitations to meet people they never saw +before. They may come to that, but at present nothing is worth going to +unless all society wants to go: then anything is. Now Spiffy had so +managed, that by a judicious system of puffing he had excited immense +interest in the Bodwinkle ball--he had been morally bill-sticking it in +all the clubs for weeks past. He had told the most _répandu_ young +dancing men that it would be impossible for him to get them invitations. +If Bodwinkle had been General Tom Thumb, and Spiffy had been Barnum, he +could not have achieved a greater success. He had insisted upon +Bodwinkle having Mrs B. painted by the most fashionable artist and +exhibited in the Academy, where the hanging committee, some of whom were +at the ball afterwards, gave it a good place, and the 'Times' critic +gave it half a column. Until then he had kept her dark. No one had ever +seen Mrs Bodwinkle, except three or four literary men, who discreetly +and mysteriously alluded to her intellect, and a naughty duke, who +indiscreetly and less mysteriously alluded to her charms. People began +to want to make Mrs Bodwinkle's acquaintance some time before the ball, +but she resolutely denied herself. The only men who were let into the +secret were Bower, Scraper, and a few others skilled in the art of +socially advertising. Their principal function consisted in asking every +one of their friends for some time before whether they were going to the +Bodwinkle ball. It oozed out, through Spiffy, that I knew something of +Bodwinkle, and the result was that I was bombarded with requests to +procure invitations. This was the style of note that arrived +incessantly. This is from Mary, Marchioness of Pimlico:-- + + "DEAR LORD FRANK,--Lady Mundane tells me that you are one of + the privileged few who can get invitations to the Bodwinkles'. + Please exert your interest in my favour. You know this is + Alice's first season.--Yours truly, + + "MARY PIMLICO." + +Here is another one:-- + + "DEAR LORD FRANK,--Do _please_ get an invitation for _my very + great friend_, Amy Rumsort, for the Bodwinkles'. She is most + anxious to go, _for very particular_ reasons. I will tell you + them when we meet. Spiffy Goldtip sent mamma mine, but declines + to come to the front about Amy.--Yours most sincerely, HARRIET + WYLDE." + +"Wild Harrie" is the name by which this young lady is usually known +among her sporting friends. She is a promising _débutante_, and very +properly calls herself "first favourite" of the season. + +"Dear me," thought I, as I opened a series of similar epistles, "if I +were the head of a public department, who only recommended honours to be +given to those who applied for them oftenest, and if all these were +meritorious public servants wanting C.B.'s, or gallant soldiers anxious +for Victoria Crosses, they could not beg more pertinaciously and +unblushingly." And I made a list of the petitioners, leaving out those +who had written to me without knowing me, and went to the club, where I +intrusted them to Spiffy, with a peremptory request that he would +distribute the required invitations upon pain of my financial +displeasure. + +Spiffy gave me some curious statistics about invitations and the means +employed to obtain them. Three ladies who never asked him to their +parties, and whom he had therefore left out, though all more or less +leaders of the _beau monde_, actually wrote to Mrs Bodwinkle in various +strains--one was a threatening, the other an appealing letter, and the +third assumed that she had been omitted by mistake. Two young gentlemen +had the impertinence, after trying every other mode in vain, actually to +call on Mrs Bodwinkle, and extract invitations from that bewildered +woman, who was too much frightened to refuse them. Bodwinkle was not +idle in the House, and two Liberals and an extreme Radical, all young, +unable to resist temptation, voted against the Government on the promise +of invitations. As for Spiffy, even he was acquiring fresh social +experience, and tells me he can scarcely resist entering upon a +pecuniary _exploitation_ of his position in society. "There is," said +that enterprising and original individual, "so much to be done by a man +of genius. Just look what is open to me in this line,---- + +"'Families in the country anxious that their sons should be well +_lancés_ in the society of the metropolis, are requested to apply to the +Honourable Spiffington Goldtip. Invitations to the most fashionable +parties obtained at a reasonable amount. Charges moderate for +introductions to Clubs. No charge whatever for introductions to +noblemen.' + +"Or in this line,-- + +"'To Debutantes and Others in want of Chaperonage.--Young ladies whose +mothers are invalids, or are from some cause considered objectionable by +society, or who have only step-mothers, or who are orphans with unkind +or Evangelical relations, or who are unexpectedly at the last moment +deprived of their natural protectors, on applying to the undersigned +will be provided with suitable chaperons. The undersigned begs to notify +that his stock of chaperons will bear the strictest examination as to +character, and have all at one time or other moved in the highest +circles of society. No debutante or young lady whose birth and +antecedents do not entitle her to the same privilege need apply. +SPIFFINGTON GOLDTIP.' + +"Then the _pendant_ to this would be,-- + +"'To Married Women or Widows without Daughters.--Married women, or +widows without daughters, who have either dropped out of society or are +in danger of dropping out, in consequence of there being no special +reason why they should be kept in, and who are capable of undertaking +the duties of chaperon, are requested to apply to the Honourable +Spiffington Goldtip. The Hon. S. G. has a large stock of debutantes, and +other young ladies in want of chaperons, always on hand. The strictest +references given and required.' + +"You may laugh," Spiffy went on, "but I assure you the sort of successes +I have in my own line are quite astonishing. Look what a hit I've made +with Wild Harrie--her mother, Lady Wylde, you remember, was her +husband's brother's governess. Well, I said plainly to her, 'You will +ruin that girl's chances if you attempt to force her on society in your +own way. You can't afford to entertain upon the right scale, and you +won't be asked anywhere unless you do, for there is a set going to be +made against Harriet. If you will leave her to me, I know her strong +points, and will see her through the whole business as if she was my own +sister.'" I must here remark _en passant_ that Spiffy is apparently +capable of doing the most unselfish things, and of taking an infinity of +trouble upon himself out of pure good-nature. + +"What was your _modus operandi_?" I asked. + +"Oh, it was all plain sailing enough. The first thing to provide was a +popular chaperon, and the second a special reputation. Now Harrie is a +wonderful rider, and knows a horse thoroughly. Then she looks like a +high-bred Arab herself, though her mother was a governess, and I felt +sure Dick Helter would fall a victim. So I introduced her to the +Helters. As Lady Jane goes in for safeness, she does not like married +women, and always smiles most kindly upon any girl that pleases her +husband; so I knew if I could get Harrie by her side on the top of +Helter's drag, the next step was a certainty, and that I had secured my +chaperon. The result has fully justified my expectations. Harrie has +secured the box-seat _en permanence_, went down to the Derby on Helter's +drag, and won a pot on the French horse under his judicious advice. +Little Haultort, and all the other men who lost to her, adore her of +course, and all the girls in London hate her; but whenever the mammas +object to asking her on account of 'that horrid Lady Wylde,' I floor all +opposition by saying, 'Oh, Lady Jane Helter will bring her.' I wonder," +said Spiffy, with a sigh, "when she has made her little game, whether +she will remember to whom she owed it?" + +"Now, do you find much ingratitude of this kind?" I asked, inquiringly. + +"No," said Spiffy. "I must say on the whole my experience of the world +in this respect is, that it is not so black as it is painted. It is true +that I attribute its gratitude chiefly to laziness. For instance, in my +own case, so long as I hold the position I do in society, people who +insisted upon being ungrateful to me would find it hard work. By the +way, I observe you don't go out as much as you used--how's that?" This +was no business of Spiff's, so I said sublimely, "Because the +aristocracy bore me, and the middle classes grate upon my nerves.--But +about this little girl: she is rather an ally of mine, so you must see +that her friend, Miss Rumsort, has the card." + +"It is too bad!" broke out Spiffy. "The way that girl and her married +sister are trying to take the world by storm is intolerable. It does not +matter whether they know the people they apply to or not, it is always +the same story. She pretends she is tremendously in love with Larkington +because he goes everywhere, and her sister looks sentimental, and tries +to work upon your feelings about 'poor Amy,' whose only object in life +is to meet him; but it is all a dodge to get asked. She cares no more +for Larkington than for me. Now, I'll be bound Wild Harrie put something +about _very particular reasons_ in her note to you." + +"Well," said I, astonished at Spiffy's penetration, and at the new views +of life he was placing before me, "I must admit that that phrase did +occur." + +"Of course it did; why, it is one of the regular forms of 'extorting +invitations under false pretences.' I want the police to interfere, but +it seems, although they are doubtless begging-letters, containing +fraudulent misrepresentations, there is some difficulty about bringing +them within the terms of the Act." + +"Never mind--live and let live--send her the invitation. It seems to me, +my dear Spiffy, that you and the Bodwinkles and Miss Rumsort are all in +the same line of life, so you should not be too hard upon her. As a +matter of policy, social adventurers should do what they can for each +other." + +Spiffy's face flushed, for if he had lost the conscience, he still +retained the consciousness, of a gentleman, and he felt the reproach. + +Just at this moment, Mr Wog, who had been elected an honorary member of +the "Piccadilly," and was standing, unconsciously to us, listening to +our conversation, struck in, and averted the retort which was rising to +Spiffy's lips. + +"I guess," he said, turning to Spiffy, for whose talents he evidently +entertained a high admiration, "that I could give you a few hints, from +my own experiences in New York, that might help you in your line of +business. My own, sir, in that city, was quite similar to yours in this. +You operate at night in Mayfair, and by day 'On 'Change.' Well, sir, I +had two spheres of operation, one was on Wall Street, and the other on +Fifth Avenue. In fact, I may say that Wall Street is the broad and +flowery road that leads to Fifth Avenue. The trouble with operators in +this country is, they don't understand how to do things on a large +scale. Now the first thing I did when I went to do business in New York, +was to keep a judge." + +"To keep a judge?" said Spiffy with amazement. + +"Why, yes. How can you operate freely if you are afraid of the law? +Besides his regular monthly allowance, my judge gets a percentage on +every one of my financial enterprises which are fraudulent according to +the letter of the statute. Then it costs me a good deal to manage to get +all my lawsuits tried in his court. Besides, I have to keep a number of +members of both the Houses of the Legislature at Albany regularly +retained, and to put a big pile on one side for lobby operations at +Washington, to say nothing about keeping the pockets of police and +custom-house officers and other small fry well lined. The press alone +swallows up the fifth of all I make. How do you suppose I could ever +have accomplished my celebrated combination by which I got four large +railroads under my control, and sold a secret issue of twenty millions +of stock for fifteen millions, without ever paying one dime of it to any +of the companies, if I had not stopped the mouths of the lawyers, +politicians, and newspapers with greenbacks? Why, sir, I have ruined +more whole families in one day by one of my financial operations, than +any other man in the United States has in a month; and by the +extraordinary novelty, grandeur, variety, and success of my +undertakings, I have won the admiration, envy, and respect of the +majority of my countrymen." + +Spiffy seemed deeply impressed by the superior force and originality of +conception displayed by Mr Wog--no indication of these qualities +appearing on his calm exterior. "Of what nature are your operations in +Fifth Avenue?" he asked. + +"Oh, purely social," Mr Wog replied. "You see the aristocracy of New +York require to be approached in a very special way. You can enter into +the ranks of the upper ten, either by becoming a pillar of a fashionable +church, or by driving the fastest trotters and handsomest four-in-hand +teams in Central Park, or by the help of Mr Pink." + +"By the help of Mr Pink?" said I, interrogatively. + +"Yes. He corresponds to our friend Spiffy here. He is the sexton of St +Grace's, the most fashionable church in New York; and when you have made +your pile, and want to start in fashionable life, and don't know who to +invite, he makes out your list, and puts the invitations to your first +ball in the prayer-books of the congregation. It imparts a sort of odour +of sanctity to our entertainments, which is exceedingly gratifying to +our most refined circles." + +"I suppose," said I, "now that your social and financial position are +secured, you will run for Congress." + +"Sir," said Mr Wog, sternly, "when I explained to you the nature of my +commercial success, it was to convey to you the idea of my smartness, +not of my meanness. I am not aware of having said anything to lead you +to suppose that I could so far degrade myself as to become a +politician." + +"What a comfort it will be," I remarked, "when the rotten old despotisms +of Europe, and the political ambitions that belong to them, shall have +crumbled to the dust, and when we have instead the free and glorious +institutions of the West, which seem to offer nothing to tempt a man +from the ennobling pursuit of hard cash!" But Mr Wog failed to +appreciate the force of my remark, as he was intently endeavouring to +catch the purport of a very private conversation carried on by a group a +few yards off, towards which he gradually edged, in the hope that he +might be able either to acquire or impart some interesting information. + +Spiffy looked more humbled and crestfallen than I had ever seen him; but +remembering that he had still a score unsettled, in consequence of the +remark which Mr Wog's arrival had interrupted, he said, maliciously,-- + +"By the way, what is the real state of the case about you and Lady +Ursula? I don't apologise for asking, as I am sure you must want the +right version to be known both for your sake and hers." + +"The right version is simply that I neither am at this moment nor ever +have been engaged to Lady Ursula." + +"Then why did you tell Helter you were, and why are you pulling the +family through their difficulties?" + +"Because Helter was provoking me almost as much as you are, though I +admit that is no reason why I should not have told the truth. As for the +motives which actuate me in meddling in those pecuniary transactions in +which you and Lady Broadhem are implicated, I am afraid you would not +understand them if I were to attempt to explain them. It is a +complicated business altogether. We shall get through it most +satisfactorily by each minding our own share of it," I said +significantly, and I walked off to a table where Broadhem was writing +letters. I had not seen him since my interview with his sister. He +looked gloomy and discontented, and gave me a cold glance of +recognition. "How are you, Broadhem? I suppose Lady Ursula told you the +result of our conversation," I said in a low tone, and took a chair by +his side. + +He nodded sulkily, and showed a disposition to cut me. My last few words +with Spiffy had not left me in a mood to be cut unresistingly, so I said +sharply, "Well, I hope both you and Lady Broadhem will contradict the +perfectly unfounded report you were the means of spreading. I need not +say that I shall do my share, and I trust that you will profit by the +lesson you have received not to interfere in matters of this sort +again." + +"I tell you what it is, Frank," said Broadhem, who felt that somehow I +was more to blame than he was, but who was taken aback by my turning the +tables upon him so suddenly; "if it was not that duelling is exploded, +and that it would be against my principles at any rate, I would shoot +you." + +"By way of helping to clear your property of its encumbrances," I added. +"Your mother has put everything into my hands, and I can do pretty much +what I please with the whole family." + +"Can you?" said Broadhem, with a grim smile. "The only thing that +consoles me in the whole affair is, that you will find that you have got +a little score to settle with my mother. If you knew her as well as I +do, you would not anticipate the interview with pleasure. As for Ursula, +I suppose she knows her own business best, but I don't envy her the life +she is likely to lead either." + +"The alarming interview you threaten me with gives me no uneasiness," I +said, "but perhaps it may be as well that you should let Lady Broadhem +know that the fact of my not being engaged to her daughter will not +interfere with the arrangements I am making to put the money matters of +the family right." + +"Why! you can't mean that!" said Broadhem, thunderstruck at this +unexpected announcement; and he looked at me with a glance of +affectionate interest. "You must be mad." + +"Did your sister tell you so?" I asked. + +"Once she did make a mysterious speech, and I really think she meant to +imply something of the sort. However, of course, I am only joking. I +need not say I hope, under the circumstances, it will be long before you +recover your sanity." + +"Are you going to the Bodwinkles' to-morrow?" said I, doing a little of +Bower and Scraper's work. + +"Good gracious, no! I am bored to death with having to answer the +question. The trouble my mother has taken to get those people +invitations is something amazing. She even wanted me to go, though she +does not approve of balls, and never let me learn to dance." + +"Let me introduce you to Miss Geary. You are not too old to begin." + +"No," said Broadhem; "I have started on the other tack, and people would +say it was inconsistent; besides, none of the young thinking men of the +day dance, even though they may not be religious. I don't suppose that +there is a single man in the Century dances." + +This observation struck me as so preposterous that I could only account +for it by supposing that, for the first time in his life, Broadhem had +condescended to "chaff." + +"Not 'a man' in the ideal sense, I daresay; but the boys are not more +backward in this century than in any former one." + +"Boys!" said Broadhem, indignantly; "there are no boys in the 'Century;' +the 'Century' is a club that meets twice a-week. I don't go on Sunday +nights myself; but some Thursday night I will take you," and Broadhem +plunged back into the correspondence in which I had interrupted him, +while I strolled home down Piccadilly moralising on--the Century. + +I don't frequent balls now, but I went to Bodwinkle's for a variety of +reasons. One was, that I knew I should see everybody, and have an +opportunity of informing the public correctly about my own affairs. +Another, that I should be able to talk over some business matters with +Bodwinkle, at a moment when he might possibly be more pliant than I +usually found him in the City. + +Every soul was at Bodwinkle's--coroneted carriages filled the square; a +crowd of draggled men and women formed a line six or eight deep on each +side of the awning, and between them fine ladies hurried across the +pavement, encouraged and complimented by familiar linkmen, and very +particular that the 'Morning Post' reporter, seated at a table in the +hall, should take down their names accurately. The stairs were so +crowded that Bodwinkle, who looked like one of his own footmen, and +stood at the top of them, facing his wife, was red and apoplectic from +pressure. His "lady," as I heard one of his City friends call her, had +achieved the greatest object of her ambition in this life, which +consisted in grinning vacantly, and curtsying perpetually to people she +had never seen in her life before, and every one of whom despised her +for entertaining them. + +"Curious idea of the climax of earthly enjoyment," I remarked to Lady +Veriphast, who was so tightly wedged between the banisters and a rather +highly-scented ambassador from Central Asia, that she spoke with +difficulty; "I suppose it must be a pleasure to be at the top of one's +own ladder, like our hostess there, when so many are trying to climb +it." + +"Do _not_ philosophise in that ridiculous way; don't you see I am +suffering agonies?" said Lady Veriphast, in a tone of suppressed +anguish. "Pinch this horrid barbarian in front of me or I shall faint." + +"Madam," I overheard a well-known voice say in a nasal tone close to me, +"allow me to remark, that for a hand, arm, and wrist, I have not seen +anything since I have been in England like that owned by your daughter +Mary;" and Mr Wog complacently edged himself from the side of Lady +Mundane to that of the daughter he had eulogised, and who audibly asked +Scraper to get between her and that horrid man. + +"Just what one deserves for coming to such a place," said Lady Mundane +furiously, who, by the way, had repeatedly asked Wog to her own parties. + +"I have often remarked, sir," said Mr Wog, who I think overheard this +observation, turning to me, "that the ladies in your country allow quite +a singular effect to be produced in their hair. If you will cast your +eye down the stair you will observe a young person on the landing, the +parting of whose hair, for the space of one inch on either side, is +black, while the two large bunches on her temples are red. That, sir, is +a phenomenon I have not remarked in my own country." + +"Don't you know how it happens?" said that spiteful old Lady Catchpole, +whose eyes twinkled with malice as she explained to Mr Wog that, when +the hair had been thoroughly dyed it could only recover its natural +colour by this slow process, but that usually the effect was concealed +by a _postiche_; and she looked hard at Lady Veriphast, whose hair was +suspiciously _crepé_, and who wished it to be supposed that she blushed +because she was still under the pressure of the Asiatic ambassador. + +"What is the exact meaning of the term _postiche_?" asked Mr Wog, who +observed Lady Veriphast's confusion, and whose thirst for information +seemed to increase with his powers of making himself disagreeable; "I +guess it must mean some kind of wig." + +"No," said Lady Catchpole; "anything false which is well made up we call +a _postiche_; it need not be exactly a wig." + +"Nor yet a Tory," interrupted Wog, with more readiness than I gave him +credit for. "I calculate you should call a Liberal Conservative a +_postiche_. It seems to me the most popular political platform in this +country at your next elections is going to be _postiche_." + +"Look, my dear," said Lady Pimlico to Lady + +Mundane, "there are the two Frenchwomen," and she directed universal +attention to the last importations from the Continent, Madame la +Princesse de Biaisée à la Queue, and La Baronne de Colté, whose fame had +preceded them from Paris, and who created such a sensation that the +general hum on the stairs increased, and the whole society collected +there audibly criticised the new-comers. "Why, positively the tall one +has got her hair done _en papillon_--I thought it had gone out--I +suppose her face won't bear being _coiffé à la grècque_; and the other +is outrageously painted." This remark was made so loud that both ladies +looked up, but failed to check the running fire of comments which their +dress and appearance suggested. + +"They say the Princess makes up for her want of looks by her legs," +drawled out Larkington to Lady Veriphast; "but I am afraid we shall not +have an opportunity of seeing them to-night, it is so crowded." + +"They are not worth looking at; I saw them at a fancy ball in Paris," +said Lady Veriphast, "and I assure you you would be disappointed. By the +way, have you the least notion who the Bodwinkles are?" + +"Not I," replied Larkington. "I did not come here to make their +acquaintance, nor I hope did you." + +I think Mrs Bodwinkle heard the speech--for it is customary in good +society to make remarks about one's neighbours in rather a loud tone--as +she coloured a little when she was pointed out to Larkington by the fat +butler as the person to whom he was expected to bow. Poor woman! she +probably thought he would be embarrassed when he found out his +proximity; but Larkington is above any such weakness, and sauntered on +after Lady Veriphast, with whom he has _affichéd_ himself for the last +few weeks, to the great comfort of Veriphast, who has long been desirous +of making his wife share the scandal which has attached to his name for +some time past. + +"And it is for this, my dear Mrs Bodwinkle," I thought, "that you have +given up your villa at Clapham, and the friends that respectfully +worshipped at the Bodwinkle shrine, who gazed upon you with reverend +upturned eyes, instead of irreverent upturned noses, like the present +company! Do you think, when you have blazed for a moment and gone out +like a blue-light, that you will know how to find your way in the dark +back to Clapham, or that you will be able to collect your old +congregation? Will not new Bodwinkles have arisen above the suburban +horizon, or will the departed glories of your rapid but bright passage +across the firmament of fashion always secure you an audience who will +gladly listen to your wonderful experiences in the great world, to whom +you will recount the devotion manifested towards you by certain +noblemen, and the slights you received at the hands of certain +noblewomen, and who will stare when you describe the Broadhem-Spiffy +combination which sent you up like a rocket, and the sudden collapse of +that combination which will assuredly bring you down like a stick? Never +mind, Mrs B.; whatever happens, nothing short of a fire can deprive you +of the basket of fashionable cards which will be left upon you during +the season, and which, carefully treasured with your dinner _menus_, +will be a lasting evidence of the reality of that social triumph which +might otherwise seem like the 'baseless fabric of a dream.'" + +And this consideration reminds me that I possess middle-class readers, +who may positively doubt the truth of the picture which I am +endeavouring to give them of the society in which Mrs Bodwinkle now +found herself. They will not have the advantage of hearing from the lips +of that good lady these wonderful traits of the manners and customs of +this, to them, mysterious class. And therefore they will fail to see any +particular merit in what they may suppose to be merely a flippant +delineation of a purely ideal state of society. My dear readers, I +should be no more competent to invent a state of society so eccentric in +its habits and constitution as this of London cream, than I should be to +write an account of lion-hunting like the late lamented Jules Gerard. +That was a real strain upon the imaginative and constructive faculties; +I aspire to no such talent, but simply contemplate hyperbolically a +certain phase of contemporary civilisation. If, by way of a little +pastime, I put Mayfair into a fancy dress, it only appears in its true +colours and becomes fancy-fair, with a great deal of show and very +little substance; so I dress it up as it pleases me, but I invent +nothing. I confine myself strictly to the stage properties. You in the +pit or gallery may be too far off to see, but I assure you I have +avoided anything beyond the exaggeration permissible in a caricature. As +I know your imitative faculties, dear middle classes, I can +conscientiously assure you that you may take 'Piccadilly' as a guide +upon which to frame your own society. Take the most successful +costermonger of the neighbourhood and erect him into a Bodwinkle, and +fall down upon your knees before the most opulent pawnbroker of your +parish; and you will feel that you are only performing, on a humble +scale, the same act of worship as those above you. + +Lady Jane Helter, followed by Wild Harrie, came up while I was thus +musing. "So, Lord Frank," she said, "you are not to be congratulated +after all? I suppose you heard of our dinner at the Whitechapels'? We +all thought your conduct very incomprehensible. I assure you Lady +Broadhem seemed as much in the dark as the rest of us." + +"And you want to be enlightened?" said I. "Well, it has been a social +_canard_ throughout, which I did not at first think worth contradicting. +There must be a certain number every season." + +"I am sure we want them more than ever now," said Wild Harrie. "Was +there ever such an utterly flat season? I only went to two balls last +week, and, as they say at 'the corner,' 'there was positively nothing +doing.'" + +"It is not the same in every corner," said I; "look opposite," and I +pointed out Larkington and Lady Veriphast snugly ensconced in a recess. + +"Poor Amy! I am afraid that won't suit her book," said Wild Harrie. "She +is really devoted to Lord Larkington. I told her to hedge, but she says +she has too much heart. By the way, I want to have a little private +conversation with you. Take me to have a cup of tea, or a quadrille, or +something"--this in rather a low tone, not for Lady Jane's benefit; and +we sidled off through the throng, leaving Lady Jane at the doorway, +which, in the absence of her ladyship, does duty as chaperon. + +"Do you know, Lord Frank," said my companion, "that it really was very +kind of you to get me the invitation you did, and that I can appreciate +kindness; can you guess how?" + +"By asking me to do something else for you," I said. + +"Exactly," she said, laughing; "but this time it will not perhaps be +quite so easy. I want you to get me a card for Lady Broadhem's on +Thursday week." + +"For Lady Broadhem's!" said I, astounded. "How on earth did you come to +hear of it? Why, it is a meeting, not a party. A few Christian friends +are going to hear the Bishop of the Caribbee Islands describe the state +of mission-work in his diocese. You would be bored to death." + +"Indeed I should not," said Wild Harrie. "I have a brother in India; and +I have heard so much about the heathen. Besides, I want to make Lady +Ursula's acquaintance." + +"I really don't think," said I, a good deal puzzled, "that you will find +it a very congenial atmosphere, but I am sure nobody can know Lady +Ursula without deriving benefit, so I should feel too glad to be the +means of making you acquainted; but Lady Jane will never take you." + +"Oh, mamma will; you know her brother was a clergyman. Promise. Don't +forget--one for me and one for mamma. Now I must leave you; I quite +forgot I was engaged to little Haultort for this dance, and there he is +hunting for me everywhere," and she dragged me to the spot where that +young gentleman was stroking a fluffy mustache, with an imbecile air. + +"Do you call that hunting?" said I; "He must be in chase of ideas." + +"Of course he is. Now watch him catch big _idée fixe_," and she placed +herself before him. Poor youth! how he coloured and stammered, as a ray +of intelligence illumined his countenance! "So that is the way you keep +your engagements, Lord Haultort, is it? Well, you have forfeited your +dance"--the ray went out--"but you may take me back to Lady Jane." The +ray came back again; he was sufficiently experienced to know what that +meant, and Lord Haultort disappeared into the next room with his _idée +fixe_ on his arm, and I looked the other way half an hour after, when I +passed the corresponding recess in which Larkington and Lady Veriphast +were still sitting, and saw who were there. + +"I wonder what that little girl wants to know the Broadhems for?" I +ruminated, and for some time I was positively fool enough to continue to +wonder. + +"I tell you what it is, Goldtip," I overheard Bodwinkle say, "that idea +of yours about giving presents is all humbug; we've got the people here, +what do you want to give them presents for?" + +"In the first place," retorted Spiffy, "they will never come again +unless you keep faith with them now, for I have been giving it out +specially that no expense was to be spared; and in the second place, as +you have got all the presents made up in ribbons, &c., what else are you +to do with them? The girls will be terribly disappointed." + +Bodwinkle shook his head sulkily, and Spiffy, seeing me, adroitly turned +the conversation. "I was talking over the prospects of the approaching +election, Frank, with Bodwinkle, and telling him how much you could +assist us with your influence in Shuffleborough; it seems to me that he +is likely to be turned out unless your brother-in-law, Sir John Stepton, +will come to the rescue. It would be well worth your while, Bodwinkle, +to let Lady Broadhem's matter stand over until you have made sure of +your seat," said Spiffy, looking significantly at me. + +"Oh, certainly," said Bodwinkle, "if you will secure your +brother-in-law's adhesion to our plans. You will find me very amenable +in that unfortunate affair of Lady Broadhem's. I know what an interest +you take in it, and I am sure, for your sake, if not for hers--ahem," +and Bodwinkle, quite unconscious that he was behaving like a scoundrel, +smiled upon me blandly. + +"It seems to me," said I, "that, considering what you owe to Lady +Broadhem," and I looked round the crowded room, "you ought not to be too +hard upon her." + +"Ah, well, I must admit that her ladyship and our friend Goldtip here +are doing their best to balance the account; but I have made it a +principle through life never to be satisfied with anything short of my +full money's worth; and I don't even feel now, if you make my election a +certainty, that we shall be more than square." + +"What are your other principles besides that of getting your full +money's worth?" said I, with a sneer, that was lost upon Bodwinkle. + +"High Tory," he replied, promptly. "None of your Liberal Conservatives +for me this time--that did well enough last election." + +"But Stepton is an absolute Radical," said I. + +"Exactly: that is why he is so important. You see the fact is--here, +Goldtip, explain our little game; it is all his idea, and he can put it +better than me." + +I knew from the bold defiant way in which Spiffy raised his eyes to mine +that his original and unscrupulous genius had conceived a _coup d'état_ +of some kind, so I listened curiously. + +"I am going to stand for Shuffleborough, and it is I who want Sir John +Stepton's vote and influence," he announced, calmly. + +"You!" said I, amazed; "what are you going to stand as? and who is going +to pay your expenses?" + +"I am going to stand as an extreme Liberal, and Bodwinkle as a regular +old Tory. He is going to pay my expenses. We are going to strike out an +entirely new line, and have convictions. He can't come the Liberal +Conservative this time, as one of the Liberals who is very popular has +gone in rather extensively for the Moderate Conservatives. So there is +nothing for it but to come forward as an out-and-out Tory, and put me up +as a Radical; by these means we hope to floor both the fellows that are +trying the trimming game. Of course I am not intended to come in--I only +split the party." + +"But if you stand, one of the others will retire. Look at what has just +happened at Westminster." + +"Then Bodwinkle starts his wife's cousin Tom--why, he is rich enough to +keep all three Liberals in the field to fight him if necessary; and you +are pluck to the backbone, aint you, old fellow?" and Spiffy slapped +Bodwinkle on the back. + +"Perhaps you would like to see our addresses," he went on,--"here they +are; I wrote them both. I shall issue mine first, and Bodwinkle's a day +or two after." + +"May I take them home to read?" I asked. + +"Oh, certainly, and frame your own on their model if you like," said +Spiffy, laughing; "they'll be the neatest thing out in addresses, I +assure you." + +"Mr Goldtip, I wish you would exert yourself, instead of talking +politics with Mr B.," said Mrs Bodwinkle, coming up; "there are all +sorts of things to arrange, and I am sure I don't know who is to take +who down to supper;" and Spiffy was carried away upon special service. + +"Good-night, Bodwinkle," said I; "your ball is a great success, but I am +an early man, and hot rooms don't suit me. I understand the political +situation thoroughly now, and without pledging myself to anything, will +see what is to be done." + +"Of course, all in the most perfect confidence; it would never do for +Stepton to suspect what we were at." + +"Oh, it would be absolute ruin. There is just one question I should like +to ask, Can you give me your solemn word that in all this you have no +other motive but the single one of being of use to your country?" + +"Eh!" said Bodwinkle, with his eyes rather wide open. + +"I repeat," said I, slowly, "Is your only object in getting into +Parliament that you may be of use to the country? or is it that the +country may be of use to you?" + +"I must ask you one in return," said Bodwinkle: "Will it depend upon my +answer whether or not you exert yourself in my favour?" + +"Entirely," said I. + +"Then, my dear Lord Frank," said Bodwinkle, affectionately grasping my +hand, "believe me, that so far as I am concerned, and I can say the same +for Goldtip, our only single desire is to do that which England expects +of every man at such a crisis,--our duty, entirely irrespective of all +personal considerations." + +I wrung Bodwinkle's hand warmly (I could have crushed every bone in it), +and threw an expression of tender interest into my glance as I said, "I +wonder, Bodwinkle, how many candidates are actuated by these lofty views +in the coming election; but you must not let yourself be too much +carried away by your Quixotic convictions. Remember, my friend, what you +owe to your party." + +"I never forget it," said Bodwinkle, readily. "I have four things to +consider--my country, my party, my family, and my conscience. I begin by +asking my conscience what are the interests of my country. My conscience +replies promptly that my party should be in power. I then ask my +conscience what are the interests of my family, and my conscience +invariably says the same thing. I then ask my conscience whether it has +any political views of its own, and my conscience responds that it is a +mercantile conscience, which has always been absorbed in commerce, and +that takes no interest in abstract politics; so that practically, you +see, I have no difficulty, so far as my conscience is concerned." + +"Wog is right," I mused as I walked home--"_postiche_ is everywhere. We +certainly do 'make up' well. I suppose this country never looked more +fair and flourishing in the eyes of the world in general than it does at +this moment. We have made a great _succès_ by means of _postiche_--there +is no denying it. But we shall fall to pieces all of a sudden like old +Lady Pimlico; and the wrinkles will appear before long in the national +cheeks in spite of the rouge. Ah, the taunts we shall have to endure +when the _postiche_ is discovered, from the rivals that have always been +jealous and are still under the prestige of our former charms! Then the +kings of the earth with whom we have lived delicately will turn against +us, for they will remember our greed and our pride and our egotism, in +the days when we sold our virtue for gold, and our honour for a mess of +pottage. Is there no one who will cry aloud in the streets while there +is yet time?--will there not be one man in these coming elections who +will have the courage to tell the people that their senses are so +drugged by prosperity that they are blind to the impending doom, and +that the only way to avert it will be by a policy diametrically opposed +to that which has fascinated the nation for the last few years, because +it has conducted them so pleasantly along those smooth and flowery paths +that lead to destruction? Be sure, oh my countrymen, that for you +collectively, as well as individually, there is a broad and a narrow +way, and that as surely as a nation ignores its duties towards God and +its obligations towards its neighbours, so surely will a swift judgment +overtake it!" I was interrupted by a policeman at this point, who kindly +called my attention to the fact that in my prophetic fervour I had +myself been crying aloud in the streets, and accompanying my +denunciations with appropriate action. "I will throw off a few of these +ideas for the benefit of my constituents, while the sacred fire is still +upon me," thought I, as I stood at my bay-window, and watched the grey +dawn of the June morning breaking over Green Park. Sleep at such a +moment is impossible, and I pulled the addresses of Spiffy and Bodwinkle +from my pocket. + +"Gentlemen," says Spiffy to the independent electors of Shuffleborough, +"in soliciting the favour of your suffrages at the approaching general +election, I am aware that I labour under the disadvantage of coming +before you as an untried man, but I ask you all the more confidently on +this account to substitute me for one who has been tried and found +wanting. Still more painfully conscious am I of the fact that I am open +to the charge of causing a fatal split in that Liberal party to which I +have the honour to belong. Gentlemen, I regret to say that in some +instances the members of that party have not been true to the principles +which they profess, and have issued addresses almost identical in the +terms they employ and in the measures they advocate with those of the +Liberal Conservative party. It is no satisfaction to me to be told that +there are as many false Conservatives as there are false Liberals. As a +friend of the people I am opposed to all compromises, and will +unflinchingly expose treachery in the camp. You will find that my +political views are clear and decided. + +"Though a member of the Church of England, I am in favour of the total +abolition of Church-rates, as I believe that you will spiritualise the +Church precisely in proportion as you starve it. + +"I am in favour of an extension of the franchise to such an extent as +will comprise all the working-classes, and thus pave the way to that +universal suffrage in which I myself shall be included, and for the +first time enjoy the privilege of voting. + +"Should I fail to be returned as your member upon this occasion, I shall +be in favour of a redistribution of seats. + +"I believe that an era of universal peace is dawning upon the world, and +I am therefore an advocate of the total suppression of our armaments +both by sea and land. + +"T think that the Christian spirit displayed in our foreign policy which +has induced us to court national insult for the purpose of setting an +example of forbearance, and which has enabled us humbly but surely to +extend our commercial relations, has procured for us the highest moral +position which has ever yet been accorded to a people. To increase the +wealth of the nation and to foster its Christian spirit, will be +recognised by me as a primary duty, if I am honoured with the high trust +of being your representative in the Commons House of Parliament." + +Now comes Bodwinkle's address, written by the versatile author of the +last:-- + +"GENTLEMEN,--The appearance of a third candidate in the Liberal interest +within the last few days induces me to break the silence which I have up +to this time preserved. I have observed with pain that in many instances +the addresses issued by gentlemen calling themselves Liberal +Conservatives or Conservative Reformers, are of the most subversive +tendency, and entirely opposed to the spirit of that old and enlightened +party to which I have the honour to belong. I repudiate, therefore, +entirely that temporising language which a large number of candidates +calling themselves Conservatives hold, and which it has suited one of my +opponents, who calls himself a Liberal, to adopt. I believe I shall best +recommend myself to this constituency by an honest and unswerving +advocacy of those views which the Tory party of this country have +invariably maintained. More fondly attached, if possible, to the Church +of England than I was upon the occasion when I last addressed you, I am +more than ever convinced that money is the only thing that keeps it +going. I am therefore entirely opposed to the abolition of those rates +which form the foundation of that pillar upon which the State has been +accustomed securely to repose. + +"I am opposed to the enfranchisement of the working man, as, in the +probable event of a combination between the labouring classes and the +aristocracy, that middle class to which I have the honour to belong +would cease to direct the destinies of the country. Any lateral measure +of reform, unattended, however, by a vertical movement, which should +exclude this possibility, will have my entire concurrence. + +"I am in favour of a measure which shall largely increase the armaments +of the country, and at the same time reduce the cost of their +maintenance. + +"I have profound confidence in the policy of the great Conservative +party in their relations with foreign nations. The fact that they have +hitherto declined to define what that policy is, renders it impossible +for me to enter more fully into this subject at present. + +"In a word, should you do me the honour to return me as your member, you +will find me Liberal only in my views as to the modes in which money may +be acquired, and Conservative always when there is a question of +expenditure." + +It is a grand idea but a great experiment this of having convictions, +which Spiffy has just started, thought I. I have been cursed with them +all my life, but never could turn them to account. Now in this case, for +instance, he is using convictions--_postiche_ convictions certainly--to +get Bodwinkle into Parliament; the result of my convictions is, that if +I express them they will turn me out. A prophet is without honour in his +own country, more especially when the whole constituency has become +sceptical and apathetic. I shall issue an address to the free and +independent electors of Dunderhead. And under the inspiration of the +moment I wrote as follows:-- + + "PICCADILLY, _June 20, 1865_. + +"GENTLEMEN,--In announcing my intention not to solicit your suffrages at +the approaching general election, I feel that it is due to you that I +should state the reason why I do not again seek the high honour which +you have upon two previous occasions conferred upon me, of representing +you in Parliament. The prosperity of the country is now so great that I +feel it has no further need of my services. In default of any great +question of national importance, the rival political parties are reduced +to the lamentable predicament of having nothing to fight for except +office. As I have never taken the slightest interest in the fortunes of +either party, except as embodying or representing the triumph of certain +principles, the disappearance of those principles, and the difficulty of +distinguishing by their expressed opinions between one party and the +other, renders it quite impossible for me to follow the example of the +candidates on both sides, and to stand upon--nothing! Gentlemen, I have +no doubt that before very long something will turn up for me to stand +upon. I will wait till then. Meantime, I feel that to profess any +decided convictions upon matters either of home or foreign politics at +this juncture would be considered in bad taste, if not impertinent, and +I shall therefore reserve whatever I have to say for a future occasion, +when the exigencies of the country may render it absolutely necessary +that some individual in it should have an opinion." + +There, I don't think I need say anything more. I meant to have written +these Dunderheadians something that would have made them remember me +after I was gone; but I am getting sleepy, and they would not have +understood it. I will give £1000 to be applied to the wants of the +municipality instead. "In conclusion," I went on, "I beg to offer a +tribute to the only article of political faith in which you still +believe, and to place £1000 at the disposal of the mayor and +corporation, which, in addition to the money spent in the contest that +my retirement will render inevitable, will, I trust, not only be of +substantial service to the borough, but secure my re-election upon any +future occasion. + + "FRANK VANECOURT." + +Good-night, Dunderheadians. If in spite of this you send me a +requisition to stand again, I will decline on a ground simple enough +even for your comprehension--It is too hot! + +It was no business of mine, after the explanation which I had had with +Lady Ursula upon the subject of our rumoured engagement, to revert to +the topic with any of her family. If Lady Broadhem was dissatisfied with +the position of affairs, I supposed that I should hear of it quite soon +enough; my only anxiety was about Ursula herself. I trembled for her +domestic peace and comfort. Broadhem's few words about his sister's +happiness under the altered circumstances were very significant, and I +determined therefore to get her ladyship as much in my power as +possible, by exercising to its utmost extent the right which I had wrung +from her of a full control over her pecuniary affairs. If my wealth did +not enable me to purchase my own happiness, it should at least enable me +to secure the happiness of her whom I loved best in the world. I had +never wavered in my resolution somehow or other to effect this great +end, but my plans must of necessity undergo some change now that Lady +Broadhem's eyes were opened to the real state of the case. I was much +puzzled what to do about Grandon. Sometimes I felt a yearning to take +him fully into my confidence and consult with him upon that delicate +topic which touched us both so nearly; but though he was kind and +considerate as ever, there was a constraint about our intercourse of +which we were both painfully conscious. We avoided all allusion to the +Broadhems, and he never called in Grosvenor Square, nor, so far as I +know, had met Lady Ursula since the memorable dinner which had +terminated so disagreeably for us all. Under the circumstances, I had +also thought the wisest, and for many reasons the most proper, course +for me was, to abstain from going there until I should hear from Lady +Broadhem; and although I was anxious to consult her upon many business +matters, I preferred letting them remain in abeyance to courting an +interview which I dreaded. At last I began to think Lady Broadhem's +silence rather ominous. I felt that a thunder-cloud had been gathering +for some time past, and that the sooner it burst the better. I +occasionally found myself walking past the door of the house, and +wondering what was going on inside it. I felt that there would be +something undignified about pumping Broadhem, and yet every time I met +him I experienced an irresistible desire to do so. + +At last one day he volunteered a remark, from which I gathered that he +was as anxious for information as I was. "Have you seen my mother +lately?" he began. + +"Not for weeks." + +"Do you know she is carrying on a lot of things just the same as ever?" + +"I don't think that possible," I said; "she could do nothing without my +knowledge." + +"She is, though," said Broadhem; "I can't quite make out what is going +on, because, you know, she never condescends to discuss her affairs with +any of us; but I feel certain there is some new scheme afloat." + +"Is she kind to your sister?" I asked. + +"She is neither kind nor unkind: she is very little at home, and seems +to have lost all interest in her own family. She wants us to believe +that it is the heathen; but I must say that she never used to neglect +her daughters for them, and always said, what so many good people +forget, that the first duty of a Christian woman was to attend to her +own family. I am getting very uneasy," said Broadhem, with a sigh; "I +feel a presentiment that there is some sort of a crash coming; I wish +you would go and see her." + +"I did not intend going to her conversazione next week, but as she has +sent me a card I suppose she wants to see me. I will come and hear my +friend Joseph Caribbee Islands hold forth. By the way, I quite forgot I +promised to ask Lady Broadhem for a card for Lady Wylde and her +daughter; will you send one when you get home? You don't know Miss +Wylde, do you?" + +"Yes," said Broadhem, and he coloured and looked away; "I have just met +her, and that is all. Did she ask you for the invitation?" + +"What! you have met her, and she did not tell you the interest she takes +in missions? I see you are half converted already. Take care, Broadhem; +you are no great catch; but she does not, perhaps, exactly know that, +and all is fish that comes to her net. Nevertheless, don't forget to +send her the invitation;" and I saw the flush of gratified vanity mount +to the brow of Broadhem, and no longer wondered why Wild Harrie had +expressed a wish to make Lady Ursula's acquaintance. Poor Ursula! what +Broadhem had said about his mother's change of manner decided me not to +neglect the opportunity which presented itself of going to her +"meeting," and coming to a distinct understanding with Lady Broadhem +upon the present position of affairs. I had no doubt that that veteran +campaigner had not been idle; and I was afraid, under the circumstances, +that too much time had already been allowed her. + +"Do you think Miss Wylde is going down to Ascot?" asked Broadhem, who +had maintained an embarrassed silence during this interval. + +"She went down yesterday with the Helters; she stays the week with them +at their cottage," I replied. + +"I have never been to Ascot," he said, awkwardly--"in fact I never saw a +race in my life. I think a man, even though he does not approve of +racing, ought to have seen it once--don't you?" + +"Certainly," said I, "especially when you can see Wild Harrie at the +same time." + +"I say," said Broadhem, and he stopped short. + +"Well?" + +"I wish to goodness there was some way of going to Ascot without being +seen. I suppose one is sure to come across a lot of men one knows." + +"Not if you go and stay with the clergyman of the parish," I said. + +"I don't know him. It is not for myself, but I don't think my mother +would like my going." + +"Then don't go." + +"What an unsatisfactory fellow you are! I shall go and talk over the +matter with Ursula--she always helps me out of my difficulties." + +"What does she know about Ascot?" I asked. + +"Oh, she does not know about Ascot, but somehow or other she always +tells me what is the best thing to do about everything." + +"I suppose, then, you tell her everything?" + +"Almost," he said. + +"Take my advice, and make a clean breast of it, my dear boy;" and I felt +kindly towards him for the way he spoke about his sister. "Depend upon +it, no half confidences do in such a case. Tell her that I shall come to +you on Thursday of next week;" and I pressed his hand. I had never cared +about him for his own sake, but my heart warmed towards him for hers. + +[Illustration] + + + + +PART VI. + +THE "----." + + + PICCADILLY, _July 1_. + +I am now about to venture upon the very thinnest ice upon which fool +ever rushed. The fact is, I am morally trembling like an aspen; but +somebody must do it. I have put it off for five months, and tried to +work up my courage by hammering away at the fashionable world, but they +take it like lambs. Dear people, whatever their vices may be, they never +resent criticism. Whether their consciences tell them they are superior +to it, or whether they have not got consciences, I don't know, but, on +the whole, the fashionable world is an easy, good-natured world; but oh, +not so that other world, which is still essentially "the world," and +very necessary to keep unspotted from, though it is thankful that it is +not as that other world is, from which in its humility it takes care to +distinguish itself by the self-applied epithet of "religious." It +grieves me to think of the number of my friends whom I shall pain by +presuming to touch upon this subject, to say nothing of the righteous +indignation I shall call down from those whose function it has been to +give, not take, reproof. The great art of the "worldly-holies"--not, I +believe, deliberately practised, but insensibly acquired--is to confuse +in the minds of the poor dear "wholly-worldlies" the sublime religion +which they profess, with their mode of professing it. So they would have +it to be understood that, when you find fault with their practices, you +are reflecting upon that very religion, the precepts of which they seem +to some utterly to ignore. The "religious world" is no more composed of +exclusively good men and women than the Episcopalian Church is. I will +even venture to go further, and say that the good men and women in it +are a very small minority, judging only from the public performances of +the "worldly-holies" in matters in which humility, sincerity, +self-sacrifice, and toleration, are concerned. And if you want a proof +of it, ask your friends in the religious world if they agree in what I +say of it, and the very few you may find who do, will be that small +minority of whom I speak. + +I am perfectly ready to admit that I have no more right to preach to +them than they have to preach to me. I only ask those among them who are +sincere, to believe that I am actuated by the same desire to improve +them that they are to do good to me. It is not merely in their own +interest, but in the interest of their fellow-men, that I venture to +write thus, and to point out to them that, if they "lived the life," +instead of talking the talk, they might attract instead of repelling +that other world which they condemn. It is not living the life to form a +select and exclusive society, with its vanities and its excitements, and +its scandals and its envyings and jealousies, which keeps itself aloof +from the worldly world, on the ground that it professes and represents a +religion of love. Those who sit in Moses' seat are not on that account +examples of the "life;" on the contrary, "whatsoever they bid you +observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works, for they +say and do not." + +Above all, do not confound the Pharisee with the religion, or suppose +that an attack on the one in any way implies irreverence towards the +other. This is a very important distinction to make, as I am about to +describe a religious entertainment at Lady Broadhem's with the religion +left out, which will draw down upon me much odium. There is, in fact, no +stronger proof of the force and despotic power of the Phariseeism of the +present day, than the unpopularity which one incurs by attempting to +expose it. Christians, in the real sense of the term, were always told +to expect persecution and now, as in old time, the quarter from which it +comes is the religious world. It is a hard saying, and one which, +unfortunately, nobody has yet been found worthy to prove; but whenever +he comes into this city of London, who can embody in himself the life +and live it, he will be repudiated by the "worldly holies." + +"The Countess of Broadhem requests the pleasure of Lord Frank +Vanecourt's company at a conversazione on Thursday the 22d, at nine +o'clock. + +"The Bishop of the Caribbee Islands will give some account of the +mission-work in his diocese." + +That was the form of the card; and at nine punctually I responded to the +invitation which it contained. + +For the benefit of those of my readers who have never been admitted +within the sacred precincts of the religious world, I should tell them +that there is nothing in their outward appearance to distinguish them +from the other world. The old ladies come in, followed by trains of +daughters, furbelowed and flounced by the same dressmakers who clothe +worldly people; but there is a greater variety of men--the older ones +are often snuffy, and look unwashed. They constantly wear thick boots, +and their black waistcoats are not embroidered, and button higher up, +which gives them a more staid appearance. They are generally pervaded by +an air of complacency and calm superiority, and converse in measured +unctuous accents, checkered by beaming smiles when they are not +contradicted. The youths, on the other hand, present in most cases an +intellectually weak aspect. They are quite as much addicted to flirting +with the young ladies as if they belonged to the other world, but want +that hardihood, not to say impertinence, which characterises the +lavender-gloved tribe who are still heathens. The arrangement of the +room is somewhat that of a private concert, only instead of a piano is a +table, behind which are seated Joseph Caribbee Islands, Chundango, and +several other lay and clerical performers. In the centre of this table +is a vase, which Joseph hopes to see filled with subscriptions before +the proceedings terminate. There is a suspicion, however, that things +may not go off quite smoothly, as a lay member present, who does a good +deal of amateur preaching, intends to take him to task about certain +unsound views which we knew our friend Joseph entertains. I am sorry to +say that some of the young gentlemen leaning in the doorway, where I +stand, anticipate this encounter with apparent satisfaction. Among them +is Broadhem, who has never once taken his eyes off Wild Harrie. That +young lady is more plainly dressed than anybody else in the room. Her +hair is neatly and modestly drawn back. She might have risked a larger +chignon, but she had never been to an entertainment of this kind before, +and did not know how they dressed; her eyes are only now and then +furtively raised, and she takes a quick glance round the room, winding +up with Broadhem; and a twitching at the corners of her mouth makes me +envy Amy Rumsort, who will, no doubt, receive a most graphic and +embellished report of the whole affair. There is a good deal of +murmuring and rustling and getting into places, and a few hardy men +manage to squeeze themselves next the crinoline of their especial +desire, and then they go on whispering and tittering to each other, till +Joseph says in a very loud tone--Ahem! + +On which a general silence. It seems as impossible and incongruous for +me to write here what now takes place, as it did at the time to take +part in it. It requires no stretch of imagination on the part of my +readers to divine what movement it was which caused the next general +rustle. Remember that a great proportion of these young ladies were +brought here by their mammas, and in their secret souls would have +rather been at a ball; but their mammas disapproved of balls, and made +them do this instead. Now, tell me, which was most wrong? I knew of one +young lady, at least, whose object in coming was not to do what she was +then doing. How many young men would have been there had there been no +young ladies? and what were they all thinking about now? And as I looked +at the subscription-vase, and listened to the monotonous voice of a +"dear Christian friend" behind it, who had been called upon to open the +proceedings, I thought, Can it be possible that these are those of whom +it is said, "they devour widows' houses, and for a pretence make long +prayer"? Can it be possible to put anything into that vase without the +right hand knowing what the left hand is doing, and all the people +seeing both hands? Is not "the trumpet" even now being "sounded" by "the +hypocrites" that they may have "glory of men"? Is there, in fact, any +difference, practically, between kneeling in Lady Broadhem's +drawing-room, by way of an after-dinner entertainment, and loving "to +pray standing in the synagogues, and in the corners of the streets, that +you may be seen of men"? Is there any part of a clergyman's dress called +a phylactery; and if so, when he becomes a bishop, does the hem of it +become broader? and if it was wrong for a priest in Jerusalem, eighteen +hundred years ago, to be called "Rabbi, Rabbi," is it less wrong for one +in London now to be called "My lord, My lord"? + +I was thinking how much more usefully Bishop Colenso would have been +employed in pointing out those anomalies in the practice of his +religion, instead of the discrepancies in its records, and what a much +stronger case the Zulu might have made out against Christians if he had +known as much of the countries which they inhabit as I do, when the +rustling again became general, and the monotonous voice ceased. + +"Dear Christian friends," began Joseph--and here I may remark that this +epithet is only applied by the worldly-holies to one another--one of the +chief characteristics of those who belong to the religious world being +constantly to talk as though they were a privileged few, a chosen flock, +and as though that new commandment, "that ye love one another," was +applicable only as among themselves, and consisted chiefly in addressing +one another in affectionate and complimentary terms. Even these they +withhold, not merely from the wholly-worldlies, but from those who +differ from them upon all points of doctrine which they assume to be +vital. Hence, by constantly toadying and flattering each other, they +insensibly foster that description of pride which apes humility, and +acquire that air of subdued arrogance which is so displeasing to society +at large. So when Joseph said, "Dear Christian friends," there was +clearly written on the self-satisfied faces of most of the audience, +"that is the least you can say of us," or words to that effect. + +Now let me in a little more detail tell who some of these friends were. +The religious world in London being a very large and well-to-do world, +they want religious lawyers, and religious bankers, and religious +doctors; they like to get their wine from somebody who holds sound +views, but I think they cease to be so particular about the principles +of those from whom they get their bonnets. + +However that may be about trades, the demand is immediately met in all +the professions, and young men starting in life with a "connection" in +the religious world must belong to it if they wish to succeed. This is +another anomaly. In former times it involved stripes, persecution, +poverty, and contumely to be a "Christian," but a "dear Christian +friend" of the present day need be afraid of none of these things. He +would never be called mad for making a profession of the views of the +early Christians; but he would if, with a good religious opening in a +professional point of view, he declined to take advantage of it. Then +look what society it gets you into--you become a sort of brother; and, I +am sorry to say, I know several young men who saw no chance of getting +into the fashionable world, and who took to the other as a good +introduction. In fact there was one standing in the doorway with me, the +son of a solicitor I knew at Dunderhead, who was in the office of his +uncle, who was Lady Broadhem's solicitor. Do you think either he or his +uncle were sincere, or that he would have ever had the slightest chance +of paying attention to Lady Bridget, which he positively had the +presumption to do, if he had not enrolled himself in the band of "dear +Christian friends"? He is a very good hand at the doctrine of love when +the people to be loved are the aristocracy. He has just invited me on +the part of his uncle to a conversazione, at which will be exhibited a +converted Aztec, and at which that Christian solicitor, whose wife is a +fat woman fanning herself in the front row, will positively induce the +great majority of those now here, including a fair sprinkling of persons +with titles, to be present. + +Now far be it from me to imply that there are not earnest, sincere, and +to some extent self-sacrificing, professors of the Christian religion, +who I know will persist in mistaking me, and imagine that by writing +this I bring the religion itself into contempt. I say again that those +who bring it into the most contempt are those who profess it most, and +that it is to counteract their prejudicial influence upon society that I +venture to incur their animosity. + +I shall not report Joseph's speech at length, still less attempt to +follow Chundango in his unctuous remarks, in the course of which he +lavished flattery upon his audience to an extent even beyond what they +could bear; they swallowed it, however, with tea and ices, which were +handed round, but I got so worked up at last by a smooth-faced man who +was describing what he had gone through for the sake of the heathen, +while he was living luxuriously in one of the most charming little +mission establishments which I have ever visited, that I made the +following remarks:-- + +"Ladies and Gentlemen,--When I came here this evening nothing was +farther from my purpose than to address you. I cannot allow, however, +the remarks of the Bishop of the Caribbee Islands, of Mr Chundango, or +of the Rev. Mr Beevy, to pass unnoticed. + +"The Bishop of the Caribbee Islands, in the course of the very graphic +account which he has given you of the progress of conversion in his +diocese, and of the number of interesting and instructive deathbeds +which he has witnessed, has entered into a calculation by which it would +appear that the average cost of the conversion of a human soul in those +islands is a little over £6. Ladies, you pretend to believe that, but +you don't. It would be impossible for you to sit there with strings of +lost human souls round your necks, and what would keep an infant school +in each ear, if you really believed that you could save a soul for £6. +You come here and listen to gentlemen who give you an account of the +sacrifices they make for the heathen, and of results which do not look +so well on the spot as on paper; and because you throw a pound into that +vase in the presence of the company, you think that you have done +something for them too. 'They may give up all,' you say, 'but we can't +afford to save more than two or three souls per annum.' + +"Ladies and gentlemen, as far as my experience goes, you neither of you +as a rule give up anything for the heathen. I cannot, therefore, share +in your wonder at the barren results of your missionary efforts. The +Tabernacle Missionary Society, for instance, offers to a young man of +the lower middles" (Mr Beevy's father was a butcher, so I did not like +to enter more fully into this part of the subject) "the opportunity of +becoming a reverend and a gentleman, and thus advancing a step in +society. It gives him £300 a-year to begin with, £80 a-year more with +his wife, £20 a-year with his first child, and £10 a-year with each +succeeding olive-branch. It educates these free of expense at Holloway, +and it pays an indefinite number of passages between England and the +'mission-field,' according as the health of the family requires it; and +permit me to say that, if to receive between £400 and £500 a-year in a +tolerable climate, with a comfortable house rent-free, and the prospect +of a pension at the end, is to give up all for the heathen, I have +myself made the experiment without personal discomfort. Perhaps I speak +with a certain feeling of bitterness on this subject, for I cannot +forget that upon one occasion while residing among the heathen, a +gentleman who is now present, and who had sacrificed his all for them, +outbid me for a horse at an auction after I had run him up to sixty +guineas. With such a magnificent institution as this for supplying +'purse' and 'scrip,' and for 'taking thought for the morrow' in the way +of pensions, &c., tell me honestly whether you think you deserve real, +not nominal conversions? You have instituted a sort of 'civil service,' +with which 'you compass sea and land to make one proselyte.' You go to +him with a number of bibles, Armstrong guns, drunken sailors, and +unscrupulous traders, a combination which goes to make up what you call +'civilisation,' and you wonder that your converts are actuated by the +same motive which my own Hindoo servant once told me induced him to +leave his own religion, in which he could not venture to get drunk, and +become a Christian. + +"Do you think it is the fault of the religion that you don't make +converts, or the fault of the system under which it is propagated? If +you gave up 'the enticing words of man's wisdom,' and tried a little of +'the demonstration of the spirit and of power,' don't you think the +result would be different? If you are only illumined by 'a dim religious +light' yourselves, how do you expect to dissipate the gross darkness of +paganism? You have only got an imitation blaze that warms nobody at +home, and you wonder when you take it abroad that it leaves everybody as +cold and as dead as it finds them. + +"My dear Christian friends, in the face of the living contradiction +which we all present in our conduct to the religion we profess, our +missionaries can only convince the heathen of the truth of Christianity +by living the life upon which that religion is based, by means of which +it can alone be powerful, and which is only now not lived by Christians, +because, as was prophesied, there is no 'faith on the earth.' I have +spoken to you faithfully, even harshly, but, believe me, I have done so +in a spirit of love. If you can take it in the same spirit, I shall feel +I have done you a great injustice." + +I was so excited while delivering myself of these observations that I +was quite unconscious of the effect I was producing. I remember there +was a deathlike silence, and that when I sat down the gentlemen behind +the table looked flushed and agitated. Mr Beevy first rose to reply to +observations which, he said, reflected upon him personally, no less than +upon the society to which he was proud to say he belonged. He then +explained the circumstances under which he had been induced to give £65 +for the horse; and retaliated upon me in language which I will spare my +readers now, as they will see it in the 'Discord,' when that organ of +the "worldly-holies" does me the honour to review this veracious +history. The religious world has a more choice catalogue of epithets for +their enemies than any other section of the community. I need not +therefore suggest "ribald" as appropriate to the present occasion. It +was the term applied to me by the amateur lay-preacher after Mr Beevy +sat down. Finally, the proceedings terminated in some confusion; before +they did, however, I rose again to point out how completely the conduct +of those present had proved my case--either the faults to which I +alluded existed, and there was nothing more to be said; or I had +buffeted them without cause, and they had _not_ "taken it patiently," a +course of conduct quite inexcusable in a meeting composed exclusively of +dear Christian friends. If there is a thing I yearn for, it is the love +of my fellow-men. By making the "worldly-holies" consider me an enemy, I +ought to secure an unusual share of their affection. Remember, now, if +you abuse me for this, it is unchristian; if you leave me alone, you +will be treating me "with the contempt I deserve," and that is +unchristian too; the right thing for you to do is to take the charitable +view, to admit that my motives may be good, even if the means employed +are injudicious. When I am abruptly asked in an omnibus, by an entire +stranger, who may happen to belong to the "straitest sect," the most +solemn question which one man can put to another, I do not resent it. I +believe he is sincerely trying to "awaken me" with a "word in season." I +question the taste, but I respect the motive. Do the same to me, dear +friends. We are all bad, and I am far worse than any of you; but still I +may show how bad the best of us are. By living in a fool's paradise +here, we shall not qualify ourselves for the other one to come. Depend +upon it, we are all a great deal too comfortable to be safe. + +"Lord Frank," said Lady Broadhem while Joseph was emptying the vase and +pocketing the contents, and the rest of the world was beginning to +circulate, "had I known that your object in coming here this evening was +to insult my guests, I certainly should not have asked you." + +"You do me an injustice, Lady Broadhem," I said. "Nothing was further +from my purpose when I came here this evening than to have said +anything. I supposed by your sending me the card that you wanted to see +me, and came; but my conscience would not allow me to remain silent +under the circumstances." + +"Nothing can justify such conduct," said her ladyship, more angry than I +had ever seen her. "I cannot say how truly grateful I am that it is all +at an end between you and Ursula;" and Lady Broadhem shuddered at the +idea of having exhibited myself as I had done, if I had been her +son-in-law. + +"It was to show you what an escape you had made, and reconcile you to +the disappointment, that I expressed my sentiments so strongly," I said +maliciously. All my better nature seemed to leave me as I found myself +involved in a fresh encounter with this woman, who certainly possesses +the art of raising my devil beyond any one I ever met. + +"I can't talk to you now," said Lady Broadhem, who did not wish to be +too manifestly discovered without her Christian spirit, though there was +not much of it left in anybody in the room. "I see Mr Beevy coming this +way, and to avoid any unpleasantness you had better not stay any longer +just now. Come to-morrow at twelve;" and she intercepted the missionary +as he was advancing towards me with a somewhat truculent air. All this +time I had seen, but not had an opportunity of exchanging a word with +Ursula, who occupied an obscure corner, and seemed anxious to attract as +little notice as possible. I made my way to her now. She looked careworn +and nervous. + +"I am afraid your remarks do not seem to have given satisfaction, Lord +Frank," she said; "and if I may venture to say so, I think you might +have said what you did in language less calculated to give offence. I +quite agreed with you in the main, but do you think you will do good by +thrusting truths home with little ceremony?" + +"I caught the habit from the class I was attacking, I suppose. They +seldom realise the harm they do by their disagreeable mode of +inculcating precepts they don't practise, and they never get preached +to, though they listen to sermons twice every Sunday." + +"But don't you think you fairly lay yourself open to the charge of +presumption in thus taking to task men who have made theology their +study, and in condemning a whole set of people, who, if they +occasionally are indiscreet, are most of them sincere, and certainly do +a great deal of good? Are you sure your own religious opinions are +sufficiently formed to warrant you in commenting so strongly on the +views of others?" + +"I don't comment on their views, but on their conduct. While we are not +to judge others, we are also told that by their fruits we shall know +them. It does not require a profound knowledge of the dogmas of a creed +to perceive the effect it has upon those who profess it. Fortunately I +have thought for myself, and have come at last firmly to believe in the +religion, but I should never have done so had I continued to judge of it +by its professors." + +"Then you think the form in which Christianity is professed and +practised prejudices the cause of true religion?" said Lady Ursula. + +"I have not a doubt of it. Our friends here 'bind heavy burdens and +grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders, but they +themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.' If you will +substitute charitable bazaars for races, oratorios for operas, +conversaziones like this for balls, and otherwise conform to the +'letter' which they have established, they accept you as a brother, but +there is very little difference in the 'spirit' which pervades the +so-called religious, and that which pervades the worldly excitements. +The 'mint, anise, and cummin' are there; but the 'judgment' is +perverted, the 'mercy' limited, and the 'faith' barren. However, we are +getting into rather too theological a discussion, and Broadhem looks as +if he was anxious to interrupt us." + +"I think he is quite happy where he is," replied Lady Ursula. "You know +Miss Wylde, whom he got mamma to ask here to-night, don't you?" + +"A little. By the way, did he go down to Ascot after all, and did he +tell you the especial motive he had in view?" + +"Yes, I recommended him to go, as I think he is too much accustomed to +walk in the groove in which he has always found himself, and as I do not +see much difference, in a matter of that kind, between wanting to go and +going. He came back thoroughly dissatisfied, having failed to do more +than exchange a few words with Miss Wylde, by whom he seems quite +infatuated. Can you tell me something about her?" + +I gave Ursula an account of Wild Harrie, based on Spiffy's information, +not very flattering, I am afraid, to that young lady, and wound up with +something about putting Broadhem on his guard. + +"I don't quite agree with you there," she replied; "opposition will not +improve matters in his case, and you must forgive me for not taking the +unfavourable view of Miss Wylde's character that you have given me. I +really think Broadhem has, for the first time in his life, fallen in +love, and the best way to take care of him will be to know intimately +the lady of his choice, so I shall interrupt their _tête-à-tête_ with +the view of cultivating Miss Wylde." + +"But what will Lady Broadhem say to such an alliance? Miss Wylde has not +got a farthing." + +"I don't think he need anticipate any opposition from mamma,--at all +events not just now," said Lady Ursula, with a sigh, and I knew there +was a secret grief which she could not tell hidden in her words. "I am +so glad that Broadhem is above the consideration of money, and has +really allowed himself to be carried away by his feelings, that I feel +quite grateful to Miss Wylde, and inclined to love her already." + +"I think they are going to commence operations of some sort again," I +said, as I saw the enemies I love, but who don't return the affection, +ranging themselves behind the table; "part two is about to begin, so I +shall make my escape. Perhaps I shall see you to-morrow; I am coming to +call on Lady Broadhem," and I left Lady Ursula, and had to squeeze past +Broadhem and Wild Harrie. "You seem interested," I said to the latter, +"as you are going to stay." + +"I suppose you don't intend to show any more sport, Lord Frank, as you +are going, so the best of the fun is over. I was just telling Lord +Broadhem how I enjoyed that brilliant burst of yours; it was worth +anything to watch the expressions on the countenances of all our friends +here who have 'given up the world,' and who thought they were having it +all their own way till you got up. I want Lord Broadhem to follow your +lead, but it seems he considers himself 'a dear Christian friend.' We +must break him of that, mustn't we? It is a very bad 'form.' I suppose +you don't know what that expression means," Wild Harrie went on, her +eyes dancing with mischief as she turned to Broadhem. + +The struggles which that young gentleman's conscience was having with +his affections were manifestly portrayed on his countenance, and Wild +Harrie evidently was amusing herself by shocking his feelings. I must do +her the justice to say that I don't think she could play the hypocrite +if she tried; and I began to hope, as I looked at her frank reckless +face, that her sins were more on the surface than in the heart. "I +suppose you mean a form of worship," said Broadhem; "I wish you would +not talk in this way. Whenever I try to have a little serious +conversation with you, you turn it off with a joke. I must say," he +added, sententiously, "that the style of young ladies' conversation in +the present day is open to great improvement." + +"I tell you what, Lord Broadhem," she retorted, "we will put each other +through a course of training; you shall improve my conversation and +'style of going' generally, while I try to bring you into a little +harder condition than you are at present. You have no idea of his +innocence, Lord Frank, considering that he is a rising statesman upon +whom the hopes of the Liberal party are fixed. I asked him just now, +apropos of the speech he threatens us with, 'if he felt fit,' and he +blushed to that degree that I felt quite shy. There was no harm in my +saying that, was there?" + +"None that I know of," said I; "but we are attracting general attention +by talking so loud. Good-bye, Miss Wylde. I am afraid I must disturb +you, Broadhem; your sister can't hear where she is, and wants your +place;" and I walked off the young gentleman, to Wild Harrie's disgust, +and saw with satisfaction that Lady Ursula took his vacated seat. + +"What a curious thing it is," said Broadhem, "that I should find in Miss +Wylde something which is to me so attractive! I daresay you think it odd +my taking you so much into my confidence; but, except Ursula, I have no +one to whom I can speak openly, and it is such a relief sometimes." + +"On these occasions specially," said I. + +"Do you know, I think that if I had her all to myself I could cure her +faults, for I am quite alive to them. Don't you think there is something +very fresh and natural about her?" + +"Fresh, certainly, in what she would call the 'skittish' sense. As for +the natural part of it, I should require to know her better before +giving my opinion." + +"You know," he went on, "she is the last person in the world with whom I +imagined it possible I could have been in love: she says the most +dreadful things sometimes--and I am afraid they amuse me more than they +should; there is no doubt about her being immensely clever, but she is +quite taken up with the world as yet." + +"Not more than you are, my dear Broadhem; come and walk home with me: +you will be back in time to put the Wyldes into their carriage, and I +want to speak to you." I led him unresistingly to his coat and hat in +the hall, and braved the stern gaze of a butler who apparently dressed +after Mr Beevy, and who, when I arrived, had smiled blandly upon me as +being 'one of us,' for all the servants in Lady Broadhem's establishment +were guaranteed converted. "No servants, whose principles are not +strictly Evangelical, and who are unable to produce unexceptionable +testimony as to their personal piety, need apply"--that was the form of +the advertisement, and the consequence was, that every menial in the +house had brought a certificate of his or her entire change of heart +from their last place. Lady Broadhem was also very particular about the +theological views of the family they had just left. + +The butler frowned severely upon me now, for he had been standing in the +doorway with the curaçoa when I was addressing the meeting, no doubt +sympathising keenly with Mr Beevy (I found out afterwards that Lady +Broadhem was educating his son for the "work"), and said to Broadhem, +"Does her ladyship know you are going away, my lord?" + +"No," said Broadhem, with some hesitation; "I don't think she does. I am +coming back again soon." + +"I think, my lord, I shall have to let her ladyship know--perhaps your +lordship will wait. James, mind the door." This meant that James was not +to open it. + +"Stop, my friend," I said; "your conscience tells you that you should +not be a party to this irregularity on the part of his lordship,--is not +that so?" I asked. + +"Yes, my lord," said the butler, rigidly. + +"I will accompany you to Lady Broadhem, then, to explain the +circumstances. Be good enough to follow me," and I led the way +up-stairs. + +Now it so happens that I have a remarkable faculty of remembering faces, +and I had been conscious for some weeks past of being familiar with the +particularly ill-favoured countenance of Lady Broadhem's butler; but it +was not until now that the circumstances under which I had first seen it +flashed upon me. Not many years have elapsed since I achieved +considerable renown in Australia as an amateur hunter of bushrangers. +The sport exhilarated me, combining, as it did, an exciting physical +with a wholesome moral exercise. I now remembered distinctly having +caught Lady Broadhem's butler with a lasso. Indeed I had good reason not +to forget it, for a shot he fired at me at the moment killed my +favourite horse. That he should have failed to recognise in Lord Frank +Vanecourt the notorious Mr Francis who had been the means of capturing +not only himself, but a good many of his fraternity, was not wonderful. +The discovery tickled me, and restored my good temper, which had been +slightly ruffled. + +"What a delightful change you must find it to be in the society of all +these good people after having passed so many years in the bush!" I +said, and my tone of anger suddenly became one of easy familiarity, as I +turned sharply upon him, and, leaning against the banisters, +benevolently scanned his distorted physiognomy. The play of his facial +muscles, and changes of hue, interested me, so I continued--"But I will +venture to say that you have never since paid such attention to any +sermon as you did to mine that Sunday morning when I had you and your +seven friends strapped to eight trees in a semicircle, and concluded my +remarks, you may remember, with a few strokes of 'practical +application.' I should like to hear the story of your escape from +prison." + +"Oh, my lord," he groaned, and his teeth chattered and his knees +trembled, "I'm a reformed character--I am indeed. Perhaps if your +lordship would kindly please to walk this way," and he opened a side +door off the landing. "Knowing your lordship's generosity, and your +lordship's interest in the family, and my own unworthiness, your +lordship wouldn't be too hard upon a poor man whose repentance is +genuine, and I could tell your lordship something of the very highest +importance to her ladyship, and to Lady Ursula, and to your lordship, +and to the whole family." + +I knew the man to be a clever scoundrel, and saw that he evidently had +some information which might prove of value. A mystery did exist--of +that I had had abundant evidence. Was I justified in refusing to find +the key?--besides, if this man really possessed some secret, could it be +in more dangerous hands? This last consideration decided me, and I +followed the returned convict to a little sanctum of his own, which +opened off the pantry, from which I emerged five minutes later a wiser +if not a better man. + +"What a time you have been!" said Broadhem. "I suppose you have been +arguing the point with my mother?" + +"No, I left that to Drippings here." I did not know his name, but my +spirits were high, and I gave him the first my imagination suggested. +"You have no idea what a treasure your mother has got in this man. I +assure you there is no knowing what you may not owe to the influence for +good of one devoted Christian servant of this kind--the proof of it is, +as you see, that Lady Broadhem is perfectly willing that you should do +what you like for the rest of the evening. Good-night, Drippings," and I +passed the bewildered James, who evidently thought that both I and the +terrified-looking butler had gone suddenly mad. + +"Broadhem," said I, "I have hit upon an entirely new and original idea. +I am thinking of trying it myself, and I want you to try it too." + +"Well," said Broadhem, "I am never surprised at anything you say or do; +what is it?" + +"It has been suggested to me by what I have seen at your mother's this +evening--and you may depend upon it there is a great deal to be said in +its favour; it is an odd thing it has not occurred to anybody before, +but that leaves all the better opening for you and me." + +"Go on," said Broadhem, whose curiosity was getting excited. + +"Don't be in a hurry; it is possible you may not like the idea when you +hear it, and under no circumstances must you tell it to anybody." + +"All right," said Broadhem, "but I hope it has nothing to do with +companies--I hate dabbling in companies. I believe one does more harm to +one's name by making it common than one gets good through the money one +pockets." + +"Well, there is more truth than elegance of expression in that remark: +it needs not have to do with companies unless you like." + +"Now, if it has anything to do with politics, I am your man." + +"You would make a great _coup_ in politics with it; it is especially +adapted for politics, and has never been tried." + +"You don't say so," said Broadhem, delighted; "don't go on making one +guess as if it was a game. Has it anything to do with the suffrage?" + +"It has to do with everything," I said; "I don't think I can do it +myself; I made a lamentable failure just now by way of a start," and I +paused suddenly--"Who am I," I thought, "that I should venture to +preach? What act have I done in life which should give weight to my +words?" but the fervour was on me, and I could no more check the burning +thoughts than the trumpet can control the sound it emits. + +"Well," he said impatiently. + +"LIVE THE LIFE." + +"I don't understand you," said Broadhem. + +"If you did," I said, "do you suppose I should feel my whole nature +yearning as it is? What better proof could I desire that the life has +yet to be lived than that you don't understand me? Supposing, now, that +you and I actually put into practice what all these friends of your +mother profess, and, instead of judging people who go to plays, or play +croquet on Sunday, or dance, we tried to live the _inner_ life +ourselves. Supposing, in your case, that your own interest never entered +your head in any one thing you undertook; supposing you actually felt +that you had nothing in common with the people around you, and belonged +neither to the world of publicans and sinners, nor to the world of +scribes and Pharisees, but were working on a different plane, in which +self was altogether ignored--that you gave up attempting to steer your +own craft any longer, but put the helm into other hands, and could +complacently watch her drive straight on to the breakers, and make a +deliberate shipwreck of every ambition in life,--don't you think you +would create rather a sensation in the political world? Supposing you +could arrive at the point of being as indifferent to the approval as to +the censure of your fellow-men, of caring as little for the highest +honours which are in their power to bestow now, as for the fame which +posterity might award to you hereafter; supposing that wealth and power +appeared equally contemptible to you for their own sakes, and that you +had no desire connected with this earth except to be used while upon it +for divine ends, and that all the while that this motive was actuating +you, you were striving and working and toiling in the midst of this busy +world, doing exactly what every man round you was doing, but doing it +all from a different motive,--it would be curious to see where you would +land--how you would be abused and misunderstood, and what a perplexity +you would create in the minds of your friends, who would never know +whether you were a profound intriguer or a shallow fool. How much you +would have to suffer, but what a balance there would be to the credit +side! For instance, as you could never be disappointed, you would be the +only free man among slaves. There is not a man or woman of the present +day who is not in chains, either to the religious world or the other, or +to family or friends, and always to self. Now, if we could get rid of +the bonds of self first, we could snap the other fetters like +packthread. What a grand sensation it would be to expand one's chest and +take in a full, free, pure breath, and uplift the hands heavenward that +have been pinioned to our sides, and feel the feeble knees strong and +capable of enabling us to climb upwards! With the sense of perfect +liberty we should lose the sense of fear, no man could make us ashamed, +and the waves of public opinion would dash themselves in vain against +the rock upon which we should then be established. The nations of the +earth are beating the air for freedom, and inventing breech-loaders +wherewith to conquer it, and they know not that the battlefield is self, +and the weapons for the fight not of fleshly make. Have you ever been in +an asylum for idiots, Broadhem?" I asked, abruptly. + +"No," he said, timidly. + +"Then you are in one now. Look at them; there is the group to which you +belong playing at politics. Look at the imbecile smile of gratified +vanity with which they receive the applause that follows a successful +hit. That poor little boy has just knocked a political tobacco-pipe out +of Aunt Sally's mouth, and he imagines himself covered with a lasting +glory. There is another going to try a jump: he makes a tremendous +effort before he gets to the stick, but balks, and carries it off in his +hand with a grin of triumph. Look, there is a man with a crotchet; he +keeps on perpetually scratching his left ear and his right palm +alternately, and then touching the ground with the tips of his fingers. +He never varies the process. Look at the gluttons who would do nothing +but eat if they were allowed, like men who have just got into office, +and see how spiteful they are, and what faces they make at each other, +and how terribly afraid they are of their masters, and how they cringe +for their favour, and how naughty they are when their backs are turned. +Look, again, at these groups drawing, and carpentering, and gardening, +imagining that they are producing results that are permanently to +benefit mankind; but they are drawing with sticks, and carpentering with +sham tools, and planting stones. And see, there is a fire-balloon going +up; how delighted they all are, and how they clap their hands as the +gaudy piece of tissue-paper inflated with foul gas sails over their +heads. Is there one of the noisy crowd that knows what its end will be +or that thinks of to-morrow? Is there one of them, I wonder, that +suspects he is an idiot? If you find out, Broadhem, that you are not one +of them, they will call you an idiot--be prepared for that. The life of +a sound and sane man in such company cannot be pleasant. Every act of it +must be an enigma to those around him. If he is afraid of them, they +will turn and rend him; if he is fearless, they will hate him, because +'he testifies of the evil.' His life will be a martyrdom, but his spirit +will be free, his senses new-born; and think you he would exchange the +trials and labours which his sanity must entail upon him for the +drivelling pleasures which he has lost? Tell me, Broadhem, what you +think of my idea?" + +"It is not altogether new to me, though I did not exactly understand +what you meant at first," said Broadhem, who spoke with more feeling +than I gave him credit for possessing. "I have never heard it put in +such strong language before, but I have seen Ursula practise it, and I +was wondering all the time you were talking whether you did." + +"I never have yet," I said. "I began by telling you that the idea only +occurred to me lately in its new form. I had often thought of it as a +speculation. I began by assuming that purely disinterested honesty might +pay, because an original idea well applied generally succeeds; but when +I came to work the thing out, I found that there was a practical +difficulty in the way, and that you could not be unselfish from a +selfish motive a bit more than you could look like a sane man while you +were really still an idiot. And so the fact is, I have talked the notion +out to you as it has been suggested to me, though Drippings nearly drove +it out of my head. I think the reason I felt impelled to do so was, that +had it not been for your sister I should never have thought upon such +subjects as I do now. I know her love for you, and the value of her +influence over you. Even now she is devoting herself to guarding your +interests in the most important step of a man's life, and I seem +instinctively to feel how I can best please her. Don't you think she +agrees in what I have said to-night, and would approve of the +conversation we have had?" + +"Yes," said Broadhem. "Do you know you are quite a different sort of +fellow from what I imagined. I always thought that you did not believe +in anything." + +"That was because I lived exactly like my neighbours, without adding to +my daily life the sin of professing belief in a religion to which it was +diametrically opposed. Most of the sceptics of the present day are +driven to their opinions by their consciences, which revolt against the +current hypocrisy and glaring inconsistencies that characterise the +profession of the popular theology. As a class I have found them +honester, and in every way better men than modern Christians." + +"Do you know why?" + +"No," said Broadhem. + +"Because modern Christians don't really believe much more than +sceptics--a man's life is the result of his internal, not his external +belief. There can be no life separate from internal belief, and the +lives of men are imperfect because their belief is external. The right +thing believed the right way must inevitably produce the perfect life. +Either, then, the civilised world believes the wrong thing, or it +believes the right thing the wrong way. In other words, faith and +charity are inseparable, and when one is perfect the other is too. That +is what I mean by 'living the life.'" + +"According to that, you would make out that nobody rightly believes the +Christian religion who is not perfect; that, you know, is ridiculous," +said Broadhem. + +"That is, nevertheless, exactly what I do mean. To know the doctrine, it +is necessary to do the will. Christians of the present day adopt certain +theological dogmas intellectually and call them their religious belief. +This has a superficial and varying influence upon their lives, for it +consists merely of opinions which are liable to change. The only kind of +faith which is inseparable from life is a divine conviction of truth +imparted to the intellect through the heart, and which becomes as +absolute to the internal conscience as one's existence, and as +impossible of proof. It may be added to, but what has once been thus +accepted can never be changed. Such a faith cannot be selfish, for it +has been derived from the affections, hence the life must be charitable. +But the modern Christian belief, received by an effort of pure reason +directly through the intellect, is not a divine intuition, which, if +embodied, would result in a perfect life and a united Church, but a +theological problem which professors of religion, unlike professors of +mathematics, are at liberty to solve for their own benefit, according to +their own taste, and to quarrel about incessantly, thereby giving +occasion to the thoughtless to scoff, and to the thoughtful to reject +all revelation as 'foolishness'--since it is incapable of demonstration +by the Baconian method,--the only one known to these 'wise and prudent' +philosophers, but one by which, fortunately for them, 'babes' are not +expected to prove their relationship before believing in their mothers." + +"Then," said Broadhem, "you actually mean to say that the whole of +Christendom is wanting in this faith?" + +"I fear that almost universally they mistake a bare belief for faith. +Their theology thus becomes an _act_ of memory instead of a rule of +life, and Christianity is reduced to a superstition. The only way of +distinguishing superstition from true religion is by an examination of +results. But where are the fruits of modern Christianity? If it be +absolutely true, and all-sufficient for purposes of regeneration, how am +I to account for the singular fact that there is as much wickedness in +London in the year 1865 A.D., as there was in Jerusalem in the year 1 +B.C.? If the object of the last revelation was to take the place of the +one before it, and to reform the world, why are the best modern +Christians of my acquaintance no holier than the best modern Jews whom I +have the honour to know?" + +"But the object of the last revelation was not to reform the world, but +to save it," he replied. + +"Thanks, Broadhem, for having put in rather too epigrammatic a form, +perhaps, to please those who believe it, the most diabolical sophism +that was ever invented to beguile a Church--the doctrine that men can be +saved by opinion without practice: that a man's practice may be bad, and +yet because his faith is good his salvation is sure--that he can, by +such a miserable philosophy as would disgrace the justice of the earth, +escape the just sentence to be passed upon all his deeds. The results of +so fatal a dogma must be a Church that tends to atheism, and that loves +corruption. There is in every heart a something that speaks against +this, and speaks with a burning language that sweeps the invisible +chords of the inmost consciousness, and awakens a torrent of indignant +denial of the shallow sophistry that a man can be saved if his thoughts +and life are bad. If he cherish self-love, and the love of ruling +others, though he intrench the intellect in the midst of all creeds, and +span the reason with all faiths, making a sacred public profession +before all men, he but adds to the heinousness of his crime, and makes +more terrible the fast-coming and final judgment." + +Broadhem stopped suddenly in the street as I finished in a somewhat +excited tone, and gasped rather than spoke, "Frank, you literally +astound me. I could never have believed it possible you would have come +out in that line. Are those your own ideas or another's?" + +"Another's," I replied, coolly. "I believe they are rather unsound, but +I commend them to your notice, because, if they are not correct, +Christianity will soon cease to exist, even in name; but if they are, +then it contains within it a regenerating power hitherto undeveloped, +whereby the world may be absolutely reformed. I will venture to assert +that Christian nations will make no moral progress so long as they +continue to cherish the pagan superstition that religion consists in +trying to save themselves by virtue of a creed, instead of in trying to +save others by the virtues of a life." + +"But that's works," said Broadhem. + +"Yes," I repeated, "that's works, but of a kind only possible when +accompanied by intuitive living faith, which I have just endeavoured to +describe. There is a promise that 'greater works than these shall they +do' who 'believe.' Why, I want to know, have these 'works,' greater than +any that were then accomplished, and which would reform the world, never +been attempted? Because people don't believe in the tremendous power of +disinterestedness, and they can't face the severe training which the +perfection of self-sacrifice involves. So one set of 'worldly-holies' +regard all personal discipline as a tempting snare to be avoided, and +entertain a great horror of what they conceitedly term 'their own +merits.' This very superfluous sentiment, combined with a selfish belief +in certain doctrinals (of which they usually do make a merit), is +enough, they imagine--the 'works' will follow; and so they do, and take +the form we have just seen in your mother's drawing-room. Another set +delight in a mild æsthetic sort of training, to be performed in a +particular costume, according to the obsolete ceremonial rules of a +Church 'which is divided against itself,' and their works take the +fatuous form of ecclesiastical high art. Others, again, go to a still +further extreme, and consider discipline not the means but the end. +Hence they go through their drill in seclusion, exclusively for their +own benefit, and their works take the form of scourgings and horse-hair +shirts, and other mortifications of the flesh, which do no good to +themselves nor to anybody else. And then, in strong contrast, are those +who train enough in all conscience with 'gloves,' single-stick, sculls, +and all suchlike appliances, and whose works take the form of tubbing, +volunteering, and a general jovial philanthropy. I am not sure that they +are not the most hopeful set after all; they believe in severe muscular +training as necessary to produce great physical results. Get them to +accept, the possibility of the world's regeneration by a +divinely-directed effort of heroic spiritual discipline on the part of +its inhabitants, and you might convert them from 'physical' into 'moral +force' Christians. They understand the efficacy of 'a long pull, and a +strong pull, and a pull all together;' and they might be shown that the +real place for a 'biceps' is the will, not the arms; and instead of a +body 'as hard as nails,' the chief aim of one's life should be to bring +one's spirit to that condition--'hard,' be it understood, in the sense +of being impervious to the influences which weaken and demoralise +it--hard in its resistance to the tyranny of society, to the claims of +family or friends, and to the force of 'natural' ties, where any of +these things interfere with the 'spiritual' training. It is only by thus +remaining in the world, and yet refusing to concede a jot to it upon any +pretence, however plausible, that it is possible to acquire the internal +isolation and strength of will necessary to the achievement of 'these +greater works.' Depend upon it, the task of performing them is not +hopeless because it seems stupendous. There are spiritual forces now +latent in humanity powerful enough to restore a fallen universe; but +they want to be called into action by fire. They are in a cold fluid +state, and must be turned into stone. Sublime moment! when, conscious of +the Titanic agency within them, and burning with desire to give it +expression, men first unite to embody, and then with irresistible +potency to impart to others that 'Life' which is 'the Light of men.'" + +As I was thus speaking, we turned into Piccadilly, and an arm was passed +through mine. + +"Why is it," asked Broadhem, "that men are not yet at all conscious of +possessing this spiritual agency?" + +"Why is it, ask you?"--and the clear solemn voice of my new companion +startled Broadhem, who had not seen him join me, so that I felt his arm +tremble upon mine. "Ask rather why sects are fierce and intolerant; why +worship is formal and irreverent; why zealots run to fierce frenzies and +react to atheistic chills; why piety is constrained and lifeless, like +antique pictures painted by the old Byzantines upon a golden ground; why +Puseyism tries to whip piety to life with scourges, and starve out sin +with fasts; why the altar is made a stage where Ritualists delight a +gaping crowd, and the pulpit a place where the sleek official drones +away the sleepy hour; why religious books are the dullest; why the +clergyman is looked upon by the millions as a barrel-organ, whom the +sect turns like the wandering Savoyard, unable to evolve a free-born +note. There is but one answer----" and he stopped abruptly. + +"What is it?" I said, timidly, for I was overwhelmed by the torrent of +his eloquence. + +"We have lost our God! That is why men are unconscious of His force +within them. It is a terrible thing for a nation to lose its God. +History shows that all nations wherein the religious inspiration has +gone down beneath formalism, infidelity, a warlike spirit, an enslaving +spirit, or a trading spirit, have burst like so many gilded bubbles, +most enlarged and gorgeous at the moment of their close. Think of the +old Scripture, 'The wicked shall be turned into hell, and all the +nations that forget God.'" + +"Who is that?" whispered Broadhem. "I never saw him before." + +"I want to be alone with him," I replied. "Good night, Broadhem. You had +better go back now, or you will find your friends gone. Think over what +I have said. Once realise the '_mystery_ of godliness,' and the +martyrdom which it must entail will lose its terrors." + +"Let him sacrifice us if He will," said he who had before spoken. "The +true man is but a cannon-shot, rejoicing most of all when the Divine +Artillerist shall send him irresistible and flaming against some foeman +of the race risen from Pandemonium. Man--the true man--is like the +Parthian's arrow, kindling into fiery flames as it leaves the bow. +Man--the true man--is the Spirit-sword, but the sword-arm is moved by +the heart of the Almighty." + +Ah Piccadilly! hallowed recollections may attach to those stones worn by +the feet of the busy idiots in this vast asylum, for one sane man has +trodden them, and I listened to the words of wisdom as they dropped from +the lips of one so obscure that his name is still unknown in the land, +but I doubted not who at that moment was the greatest man in Piccadilly. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CONCLUSION. + +MORAL. + + + PICCADILLY, _July 15_. + +It will be seen by the date at which I am writing this, that I have been +compelled to increase the pace I have been keeping up during the season. +The fact is, my episode, like those of my neighbours, seems likely to be +prematurely concluded by the course of political events, which will no +doubt act prejudicially this year upon the happiness of many interesting +members of society. Towards the close of the London season it is only +natural that everything should culminate; but generally the actors in +the scenes of real life so calculate that the curtain falls just at the +right moment; or rather, that they shall be doing just the right thing +when the curtain falls. The artists insensibly group themselves for the +_grand tableau_. All over the stage episodes are occurring, any one of +which taken separately would make a good sensation finale. There are +wily mothers and desperate daughters throwing with unerring aim their +nets over youths who have become reckless or imbecile. And there are +unprincipled poachers setting snares for the pretty game they hope to +destroy. Look at the poor victims, both male and female, trying to get +disentangled. What a rush, and shuffle, and conflict of feelings and +affections it is! The hearts that for the first time feel they have been +touched as the moment of separation draws near; the "histories" which in +all future time will form the most marked page in his or her life, and +which have begun and ended in the season; the intimacies that have been +formed, and which are to last for ever; those that have been broken; the +fatal friendships which have been cemented this year, and the disastrous +results of which, suspected on neither side, we shall read of in the +newspapers years to come. What a curious picture would be the mind of +London society if we could photograph it in February, and how strangely +different would it be from a photograph of the same subject taken in +July, more especially when, as now, the elections throw everything into +confusion; and little Haultort gets so bewildered, that he encloses, by +mistake, his address to his constituents to Wild Harrie, instead of his +proposal to her, which he has forwarded to his local attorney for +publication in the Liberal organ of that borough which is honoured by +possessing him as a representative! + +In these days when good taste requires that our affections should be as +shallow as our convictions, we are puzzled, at a crisis like this, to +know which we love most, our seats or our mistresses. There is a general +disposition on the part of the lavender-gloved tribe to resent the extra +wear and tear of mind suddenly imposed upon them this hot weather. Why +should they unexpectedly be called away from the corners devoted to +_tête-à-têtes_, to stand on hotel balconies, and stammer, in +unintelligible language, their views upon Reform to crowds of free and +independent electors? "For goodness' sake," says Larkington to Lady +Veriphast, "give me some ideas; I've got to go and meet these wretched +constituents of mine, and I had promised myself a much more agreeable +occupation with you at Richmond. Couldn't you get Veriphast to go down? +I should be delighted to retire in his favour; and with his abilities it +is ridiculous his not being in Parliament." + +"How absurdly you talk about my persuading Veriphast to do anything? the +only person, as you know, who has any influence over him is Mrs +Loveton," responds her ladyship, with a sigh--arising from dyspepsia. + +"I have hit it;" and for a moment Larkington looks animated. +"Squabbleton is close to the coast, and we will make a party, and I will +take you all round in my yacht, the Lovetons and you and Veriphast; +we'll go and do the electioneering business together, and keep the yacht +as a sort of _pied à terre_, or rather _pied à mer_;" and Larkington +chuckled, partly at his joke, and partly at this brilliant solution of +his dilemma. + +And so, while all the world is trying to reconcile their pleasure with +what they are pleased to term their duty, being always the duty they owe +to themselves, my thoughts are diverted into a very different channel. I +am beginning daily to feel, while in the world, that I am less of it. +Already I have cut myself off from the one great source of interest +which Parliament afforded me, and I have not succeeded in my love as a +compensation--that is why Larkington's arrangement to secure both seemed +a sort of mockery of my misery. For it was impossible to resist the +occasional fits of depression which reduced my mind to the condition of +white paper, and the world to that of a doll stuffed with sawdust. I was +suffering in this manner the day following the evening entertainment at +Lady Broadhem's, which I have already described. The interview which +impended inspired me with vague terrors. The night before I had looked +forward to it with positive enjoyment. There is no greater bore than to +get up morally and physically unhinged, upon the very day that you +expect an unusual strain upon your faculties. The days it does not +matter, you feel up to anything; but nature too often perversely deserts +you at the most critical moment. + +Now, upon the morning in question it was necessary as a preliminary +measure for me to go into the City and acquire some information +essential to the success of my interview with Lady Broadhem, but before +starting I was anxious to gain a few particulars from Grandon, the +knowledge of which would materially aid me in disentangling the +complicated skein of our joint affairs. I therefore looked in upon him +for a moment _en passant_. + +"I went to Lady Broadhem's last night, Grandon," I said, "and I have +reasons for wishing to know whether you have had any communication with +the family lately. I think the time is coming when I shall be able to +explain much of my conduct which I can well understand has perplexed and +distressed you." + +"It would be a relief to me to feel that there was no more mystery +between us," he replied. "You have certainly at last most effectually +contradicted the report you were the means of originating, but the +reparation was tardy, and should never have been rendered necessary. +However, there is no use in recurring to the past; but I am entitled to +ask what your object is in making your present inquiries?" + +"I am to see Lady Broadhem this afternoon," I said, "and I wish to be +prepared on all points. I heard something last night which may influence +your future far more seriously than mine; and it is in fact in your +interests, and not in my own, that I wish to be well informed." + +"What do you want to know?" + +"I want to know whether you have ever actually proposed to Lady Ursula, +and, if so, what was the result?" + +"Frank," said Grandon, "after what has passed you are pushing my +confidence in you, and my friendship for you, to their utmost limits, in +expecting me to answer you in this matter. Still I cannot believe your +motives to be unworthy, though they may be unintentionally perverted; +nor do I think that it is in your power to affect the position of +affairs either for good or harm. The fact is, then, that Lady Ursula +does know precisely the state of my feelings towards her, and I feel +that, though there may be insuperable obstacles to our union at present, +she would never consent to yield to any pressure exercised by her mother +in favour of another." + +"In other words, the situation is unchanged, for I think I knew as much +as that before. Have you never spoken to Lady Broadhem directly on the +subject?" + +"No," said Grandon--"never." + +"I think," said I, "the time is coming when you will be able to do so +with advantage. I cannot tell you more now, but this afternoon I shall +hope to retrieve myself in your estimation by being the bearer of some +good news. By the way, what are you going to do about your +election?--they say your prospects are getting cloudy." + +"Say rather utterly obscured," he replied. "You know the borough I sit +for is in Lord Scilly's pocket, and he says I have not sufficiently +stuck to my party. They have never forgiven me for understanding the +Schleswig-Holstein question; and Scilly has extracted a promise from his +new nominee that he is never to inform himself upon any question of +foreign politics. The Government is so weak in this department that they +are more afraid of their own _enfants terribles_ than they are of the +Opposition, which is not saying much for the latter." + +"Who is Scilly's new nominee?" I asked. + +"No less a person than our old friend Chundango," he replied. "It seems +Lady Broadhem put pressure upon his lordship in his favour, and he at +last consented, though I suspect it was with a bad grace." + +"Well, I don't think the Government need be afraid of Chundango on +foreign policy, though he probably knows as much as the others." + +It required no little effort to reach Bodwinkle's office at 10 A.M. I +found that great millionaire in a peculiarly amiable frame of mind. +Though two or three of his neighbours had been smashing around him, his +superior foresight had enabled him to escape the calamities which had +overtaken them; and he was sitting chuckling in that rather dingy alley, +from the recesses of which he had dug his fortune, when I entered. + +"Ah, Lord Frank," he said, affably; "come to give me some of your +valuable advice and assistance in my election affairs, I feel sure. +Don't forget your promise about Stepton. I have already given the +necessary instructions about that matter of Lady Broadhem's; there is +nothing going to be done about it for the present." + +"It is just with reference to Lady Broadhem's affairs that I have come +to consult you," I said. "You have a pretty extensive Indian connection, +I think?" + +"Rather," said Bodwinkle, in a tone which meant to imply gigantic. + +"Now I have reason to believe that her ladyship is interested in some +Bombay houses, and I shall be able to throw some light upon her affairs +which may be of use to us both, if you will give me the benefit of a +little of that exclusive information with reference to cotton and those +who are embarked in its trade which I know you possess." + +Bodwinkle was loath at first to let me into those mysteries which he +speedily revealed to me on my explaining more fully my reasons for +requiring to know them, and I jumped into a hansom and drove off to +Grosvenor Square, planning a little plot which I completed ere I +arrived, and the construction of which had acted as beneficially upon my +nerves as one of Lady Broadhem's own "pick-me-ups." Drippings let me in, +and his countenance wore an expression of anxious consciousness. As he +led the way up-stairs he whispered, "I trust, my lord, that under the +circumstances your lordship will not betray me--my own livelihood, not +to say that of my wife and little ones, depends upon my keeping this +place; and I would not have mentioned what had come to my knowledge with +respect to her ladyship if it had not been that, knowing the interest +your lordship takes in the family, and more especially when I come to +consider Lady Ursula----" + +"Hold your tongue," I interrupted, angrily. "If you wish me to reduce +you and your family to beggary, dare to open your lips to me again +unless you're spoken to." I felt savage with him for ruffling my temper +at the moment when I desired to have my faculties completely under +control; and as my readers will have perceived, though my intentions are +always excellent, my course is occasionally, under any unusual strain, +erratic. + +I never saw Lady Broadhem looking better. One or two wrinkles were +positively missing altogether, and an expression of cheerful benevolence +seemed to play about the corners of her mouth. She greeted me with an +_empressement_ totally at variance with the terms on which we had parted +upon the previous evening. I must say that, when Lady Broadhem chooses, +there is nobody of my acquaintance whose manner is more attractive, and +whose conversation is more agreeable. She had been a _belle_ in her day, +and had achieved some renown among the "wholly-worldlies" when she first +married the late lord. Her "history," connected chiefly with another +lord of that period, is not yet altogether forgotten. The end of it was, +that the world looked coldly upon her ladyship for a few seasons, and +she scrambled with some difficulty into the society of the +"worldly-holies," among whom she has ever since remained. There are +occasions when a certain amount of coquetry of manner betrays the +existence of some of those "devil's leavings" which she is still engaged +in sacrificing. Had it not been for the information I had derived from +Drippings, her cordial reception and unembarrassed manner would have +puzzled me. As it was, I felt assured by the indications they furnished, +that the butler had told me the truth. + +"My dear Lady Broadhem," I said, with enthusiasm, "how well you are +looking! I am sure you must have some charming news to tell me. Is some +near and wealthy relation dead, or what?" + +"For shame, Frank! what a satirical creature you are! Do you know I only +discovered lately that irony was your strong point? I am positively +beginning to be afraid of you." + +"Come now," I said, "own frankly, what you have to tell me to-day makes +you feel more afraid of me than you ever did before." + +Lady Broadhem blushed--yes, actually blushed. It was not the flush of +anger which I had often seen dye her cheeks, or of shame, which I never +did; but it was a blush of maiden consciousness, if I may so express it, +though it is occasionally to be observed in widows. It mounted slowly +and suffused her whole neck and face, even unto the roots of her hair; +it was a blush of that kind which I have seen technically described by a +German philosopher as a "rhythm of exquisite sweetness." + +The effect of this hardened old lady indulging in a rhythm of this +description struck me as so ludicrous that I was compelled to resort to +my pocket-handkerchief and pretend to sneeze behind it. At the same +moment Lady Broadhem resorted to hers, and applied it with equal +sincerity to her eyes. "Dear Frank," she said, and sobbed. "Dear Lady +Broadhem," I responded, and nearly choked with suppressed laughter, for +I knew what was coming. + +"All my money difficulties are at an end at last, and if I am affected, +it is that I feel I am not worthy of the happiness that is in store for +me," and she lifted up her eyes, in which real tears were actually +glistening, and said, "What have I done to deserve it?" + +"Well, really," I replied, "if you ask me that question honestly, I must +wait till I know what 'it' is; perhaps you would have been better +without--'it.'" + +"I assure you, Frank, one of the uppermost feelings in my mind is that +of relief. I fully appreciate the warm-hearted generosity which has +prompted you to take so much interest in my affairs; but when it was all +over between you and Ursula, my conscience would not allow me to let you +make pecuniary sacrifices on so large a scale for my sake. When Broadhem +told me that you had determined to persevere in your munificence, +notwithstanding Ursula's most inexplicable conduct, I made up my mind at +once to adopt a course which, I am happy to say, not merely my sense of +propriety but my feelings told me was the right one. I must therefore +relieve you from all further anxiety about my business matters. You +have, I think, still got some papers of mine, which you may return to +me; and I will see that my solicitor not only releases you from any +engagements which you may have entered into for me, but will repay those +sums which you have so kindly advanced on my account already." + +There was a tone of triumph pervading this speech which clearly meant, +"Now we are quits. I don't forget the time when you drank my +'pick-me-up' first, and biologised me afterwards. And this is my +revenge." + +I must say I looked at Lady Broadhem with a certain feeling of +admiration. She was a woman made up of "forces." Last night passionate +and intemperate under the influence of the society she had called round +her: to-day calm and wily, using her advantages of situation with a +judgment and a moderation worthy of a great strategist. She is only +arrogant and insolent in the hour of disaster; but she can conquer +magnanimously. I assumed an air of the deepest regret and +disappointment. "Of course, Lady Broadhem, any change in your +circumstances which makes you independent, even of your friends, must be +agreeable to you; but I cannot say how deeply disappointed I feel that +my labour of love is over, and that I shall no longer have the pleasure +of spending my resources in a cause so precious to me." The last words +almost stuck in my throat; but I wanted to overdo it, to see the effect. + +"My dear Frank," she said, laughing, and her eyes would have twinkled +had they not become too watery from age, "I shall never make you out; I +am so stupid at reading character, and I suppose so dull altogether, +that sometimes I am not sure when you're joking and when you are in +earnest. Now I want you seriously to answer me truly one question, not +as people of the world, you know, making pledges to each other, but as +old friends, as we are, who may dispense with mystery." She held out her +hand with an air of charming candour. "Tell me," she said, as she +pressed mine,--"tell me honestly, what could possibly have been your +motive in being prepared to go on sacrificing your fortune for me when +you had no chance of Ursula?" + +"Tell me honestly, Lady Broadhem," I said, and pressed her hand in +return, "how you are going to render yourself independent of my +assistance hence-forward, and I will tell you the motives which have +actuated me in proffering it." + +"It is only just settled, and I have not even told it yet either to +Broadhem or my daughters. I am quite prepared for the sensation it will +make when it is known, and the ill-natured things people will say of me; +but my mind is made up, and we are told to expect persecution. I am +going to be married to Mr Chundango!" + +Lady Broadhem evidently expected to stun me with this announcement, but +as I had already been prepared for it by Drippings on the occasion of +our first private interview, which the reader will remember, I received +it with perfect equanimity. + +"I had no conception," her ladyship went on, "of the sterling worth and +noble character of that man until I had an opportunity of observing it +closely. The munificence of his liberality, and the good uses to which +he applies his enormous wealth, the cultivation of his mind, the +excellence of his principles, and the perfect harmony of feeling upon +religious subjects which exists between us, all convince me that I shall +best consult my own happiness and the interests of my dear children by +uniting my fate to his. I suppose you know Lord Scilly is going to put +him into Parliament for the Scilly boroughs instead of Lord Grandon?" + +"No one could congratulate you more sincerely than I do, Lady Broadhem," +I said. "I can conceive no greater happiness than an alliance in which +that perfect harmony of thought and feeling you describe reigns +paramount; and now it is my turn to tell you why I have acted the part +which seems so incomprehensible to you. Grandon is, as you know, my +dearest friend, but he is poor. Ursula cares for him more, if possible, +than I do. And I need not tell you that my own attachment to your +daughter is the strongest sentiment of my nature. Now, I determined to +prove the depth of my affection for these two people by making them both +happy, and when all my arrangements were completed I intended to make a +final stipulation with you, that you should give your consent to their +marriage, and that I should play the part of a bountiful prince in the +Arabian Nights, and that we should all live happy ever after." + +"A very pretty little plot indeed," said Lady Broadhem, with a sneer. +"You are too good and disinterested for this planet, Frank. So you +thought you could coerce me into giving my consent to a marriage I never +have approved, and never shall?" + +"Don't be too sure of that," I said, and I allowed the faintest tinge of +insolence to appear in my manner, for the sentiments and the sneer that +accompanied it both irritated me, and I felt that we were morally +drawing our revolvers, and looking at the caps. + +"Why not? What do you mean?" she said, sharply. "Who do you suppose is +to dictate to me upon such a subject? Ursula will be very well off, and +I shall take care that she marries suitably." + +"I don't know where she is to get her money from," I said, calmly. + +"You need give yourself no anxiety about her for the future, I assure +you. Mr Chundango has been most liberal in his arrangements about both +my girls." + +"But, unfortunately, it is not in Mr Chundango's power to make any such +arrangements," I retorted. "I am sure nothing will alter your feelings +towards a man you really love, and that your own personal conduct will +not be influenced by the fact that Mr Chundango is a beggar. You could +go back to India with him, you know, and make a home for him in a +bungalow in the Bombay Ghauts." + +Lady Broadhem's face had become rigid and stony; so had my whole nature. +I did not feel a particle of compassion or of triumph. I was cold, hard, +and judicial. Her hour was come, and I had to pass the sentence. "Yes," +I said, "there is no doubt about it. I got it from Bodwinkle this +moment. The Bombay mail arrived last night, and you know the way +everything has been crashing there through speculations in Back Bay +shares, cotton, &c. Well, the great Parsee house of Burstupjee Cockabhoy +has come down with a grand crash, and all our friend Chundango's jewels +in the back verandah, added to everything else he possesses in the +world, will fail to meet his liabilities. Terrible thing, isn't it? but +we must bear up, you know." + +But Lady Broadhem had done bearing up some time ago, and had sunk gently +back on the couch, in a dead faint. As there was not the slightest sham +about it, I rang the bell for Jenkins, and felt under the pillow for the +"pick-me-up," which I failed to make her swallow; so I slapped the soles +of her feet with her shoes, till her maid arrived, followed by +Drippings, who, I suspect, had spent some portion of his time in the +neighbourhood of the keyhole. + +"I will go and look for Lady Ursula," I said; "where shall I find her?" + +"In her own 'boudwore,'" said Jenkins--"first door on the right, at the +top of the stairs," and I left Lady Broadhem being ministered to with +sal-volatile, and went in search of her daughter. + +Lady Ursula was writing, and as she looked up I saw the traces of tears +upon her cheeks, though she smiled as she frankly gave me her hand. "I +half expected you, Lord Frank, as I knew you were to call on mamma +to-day, and I thought you would not leave without seeing me; but I +expected to have been sent for. Don't you know that this is very sacred +ground, and that the privilege of treading upon it is accorded to very +few?" + +"I have that to tell you," I said, gravely, "which I can only talk of +privately. I have left Lady Broadhem down-stairs, and it is the result +of my interview with her that I want to communicate to you. Do you know +that she contemplated taking a very serious step?" + +I did not know how to approach the subject, and felt embarrassed now +that I found myself obliged to explain to a daughter that her mother was +going to marry the man that daughter had rejected, as an act of revenge. + +"No," said Lady Ursula. "I have suspected by her preoccupied manner for +many days past that mamma had decided upon something, but I have shrunk +from speaking to her of her own plans. Indeed she seemed to have avoided +me in a way which she never did before." + +"Before telling you what she intended doing, I must premise that she has +quite abandoned the idea; therefore don't let yourself be distressed by +what might have been, but won't be now." + +I risked this assertion as, though Lady Broadhem had not told me that +she had abandoned the idea, and was at that moment in a dead faint, I +felt certain that her first impulse on "coming to" would be to abandon +it. "Well," said Lady Ursula, with her lip trembling and her eye cast +down, "if you think it right that you should tell me, do so; remember +she is my mother." + +"It was nothing so very dreadful after all," I said, and tried to +reassure her by a careless manner--for I saw how much she dreaded the +unknown. + +"The fact is, Lady Broadhem has been driven to despair by the family +embarrassments, and we must make allowances for her under the +circumstances. Then perhaps she was under the influence of pique. At all +events, she has made up her mind to accept a proposal which Mr Chundango +had the audacity to make." + +Lady Ursula raised her eyes in a bewildered way to mine. It was evident +that she had failed even now to comprehend me. What business, I thought, +had I to come up here after all? It is a piece of impertinence in me; +and I trembled at my rashness. What will she think? I shall shock her, +and ruin myself in her estimation irretrievably; and I wished myself +back again, slapping the soles of Lady Broadhem's feet; but Lady +Broadhem was already making use of those very soles, and was marching +up-stairs at that identical moment; for before I could find words to +explain my meaning more fully to Lady Ursula, and while I was yet +doubting whether I should not back out of the whole subject, in stalked +her ladyship, very white, with lips compressed, and an expression on her +face which so terrified Ursula that she forgot my speech in the +amazement and alarm which her mother's aspect caused her. "What are you +doing in my daughter's private sitting-room, Lord Frank?" said Lady +Broadhem, between her teeth. + +"I came to tell her of your sudden illness, and explain the cause of +it," I replied, calmly. + +"And have you done so?" and I saw how much depended on my answer by the +nervous way in which Lady Broadhem clenched her hand to control her +emotion: she has given me a good many _mauvais quarts d'heures_, I +thought--I will give her one now. + +"I was just telling Lady Ursula," I said, "that Mr Chundango had +positively had the impudence to propose to you"--Lady Broadhem gave a +sort of suppressed scream--"when you came in." + +"Then you did not tell her what he proposed?" she said. + +"No, I leave that to you," I said, maliciously. + +"My dear Ursula, I would not tell you, because I know you do not approve +of speculations, and I feel myself that they are questionable, if not +actually sinful. My dear child, I did it for the best; Chundango wanted +me to join him in one of his Indian speculations, and proposed to me +to"--Lady Broadhem paused, coloured, looked me full in the face, and +then said slowly--"to unite my resources to his. Fortunately, Lord Frank +has just discovered in time that he is a bankrupt, so of course all +partnership arrangements between us are at an end, and I am most +thankful for the lesson. You know I promised you once before that I +would give up trying to retrieve my own fortunes by commercial +speculation, even of the most legitimate description; and now, my dear +Frank, and you, my sweet child, forgive me for having even thought of +yielding to this temptation. You must have seen how much it has weighed +upon me, Ursula dear, for some time past; but let us be thankful that I +have been saved from it," and the handkerchief was again called into +requisition. + +Well done, Lady Broadhem! that was a triumph of white-lying, and the +best piece of acting you have done in my presence; it so touched Lady +Ursula that she threw herself on her mother's neck. + +"Never mind, mamma; I know that whatever you do is out of love for us; +but indeed we don't want to be rich. Broadhem has no expensive tastes, +and I would only be too glad to get away from London. Let us let the +house, and take a little cottage somewhere in the country,--we shall be +so much happier;" and Lady Ursula nestled herself on her mother's cheek, +little dreaming that she had nearly had Chundango for a father-in-law, +and evidently much relieved at finding that this dreadful intelligence, +for which I was preparing her, was not some horrid crime, but only +another money affair. As I looked at the mother and daughter, clasped in +each other's arms, and pictured to myself the thoughts that were hidden +in those hearts now palpitating against each other, I felt that it would +almost be a righteous act to tear them asunder for ever. + +Never mind, you have given me a hold over you that I shall turn to +account; that lie was dexterously worded, and evidenced infinite +presence of mind; but you will have first to throw over Chundango, and +then to shut his mouth, and then you will have to shut mine, and finally +to shut Drippings his mouth. Oh, my dear Lady Broadhem, what a very +slimy and disagreeable course you have marked out for yourself! + +"Mr Chundango is in the drawing-room, my lady," said Drippings, +appearing at the door at this critical juncture; and he took a survey of +the group as one who should say within himself, "Here is some new start +which I am not yet up to, but which I soon shall be," and he waited at +the door to observe the effect of his intelligence. + +"I shall be down immediately," said Lady Broadhem, coldly; and Drippings +vanished. "Perhaps, under the circumstances, you had better leave Mr +Chundango to my tender mercies," I said, significantly. "There can be no +reason why you should _ever_ see him again." I emphasised the word +"ever" purposely, and assumed a tone of authority under which Lady +Broadhem winced. Our eyes met for a moment, and then I looked at her +nose, and I am sure she read my thought, which was "I must keep it on +the grindstone," for she sighed and acquiesced. + +"How do, my dear Mr Chundango?" said I, gaily, to the Oriental, who +seemed rather taken aback when he saw me enter the drawing-room instead +of Lady Broadhem, and whose lips got paler than was altogether +consistent with their usual colour. "I must congratulate you on the +prospect of becoming a legislator. I hear Lord Scilly is going to put +you in for his boroughs." + +"Yes," said Chundango, affectedly. "His lordship has been good enough to +press them upon me, but I have determined not to go in as any man's +nominee. The fact is, I wanted to ask Lady Broadhem's advice upon that +very matter, and have come here expressly to do so." + +"She is not very well, and has deputed me to consult with you instead. +Come," I said, confidentially. "What is it all about? I shall be too +glad to assist you." + +The puzzled expression of Chundango's face at this moment was a study: +"Has Lady Broadhem told him everything or not?--How much does he +know?--What line shall I take?" and he stroked his chin doubtfully. + +"Come, out with it," I said, sharply; "I haven't time to stand here all +day waiting till you decide how much you will tell me and how much you +won't." Now this is the kind of speech which disturbs a native more than +any other, but which would be inexcusable in polite society. I had lived +too much in the East to be trammelled with the conventionalities of +Europe, and my friend felt as much, for he cringed at once after the +manner of his race. + +"I have no intention of deceiving you," he said. "I don't know whether +Lady Broadhem has told you that we are to be united in matrimony?" + +"Yes," I said, "she has." + +"Well, I want to make arrangements by which the ceremony may be +accomplished without delay, for I feel the suspense is trying. Might I +ask you to find out the earliest moment which would suit her +convenience? I need not say that I hope you will be present." + +"I suppose you would prefer it, if possible, before the arrival of the +next mail from Bombay?" I said. + +Chundango, who is by no means deficient in intelligence, saw at a glance +that it was useless to attempt to deceive me. "I see that you know," he +said, meekly, "the terrible misfortune by which I have been overtaken, +through no fault of my own. I am quite sure it will not affect Lady +Broadhem's resolution." + +"I am quite sure it will," I said; "and the fact is, as she did not want +a scene, she sent me down to give you to understand that everything is +at an end between you. You look surprised," I went on, for Chundango was +not yet so familiar with the customs of polite society, as to believe +such heartless conduct on the part of Lady Broadhem possible; "but I +assure you this is the usual form among ladies in London. I am well +aware no Hindoo woman would have done it; but you must remember, Mr +Chundango, that you are in a Christian and a civilised country, where +money is essential to make the pot boil--not in a tropical heathen land +where a pocket-handkerchief is sufficient for clothing, and a few +plantains for sustenance. We don't keep our hearts in a state of nature +in this country a bit more than our bodies--it would not be considered +proper; you'll soon get over it"--but Chundango's eyes were gleaming +with revenge. + +"Ah!" he said, drawing his breath with a sibilant sound, "everybody in +London shall hear how I have got over it." + +"Nobody would believe you, and you would only be laughed at. Lady +Broadhem would flatly deny it. We always do deny those little episodes. +My good innocent Chundango, how much you have to learn, and how simple +and guileless they are in your native country to what we are here! No, +no! come with me; I will do the best for everybody, and send you back to +your mother dutiful and repentant--you had no business ever to desert +her;" and I rang the bell. + +"Tell Lady Broadhem," I said to Drippings, "that I have gone with Mr +Chundango into the City, and will call again to-morrow." I took +Chundango straight to Bodwinkle's, and found the millionaire in close +confabulation with Spiffy Goldtip. Between them was the address to the +electors of Shuffleborough, with which my readers are already familiar. + +"We must alter it slightly," said Spiffy as I entered. + +"What! haven't you issued it yet?" I asked. + +"No," he said; "we were just going to send it out to-day." + +"Then I am in time to stop you. Your address, Spiffy, so outraged +Stepton, that he has determined to stand himself, and neither you nor +Bodwinkle have a chance; so I would advise you to keep that document +back," I said, turning to Bodwinkle, who looked dumbfounded and +crestfallen. + +"A nice mess you have got me into between you," he said, sulkily gazing +at us both. + +"Spiffy has, but my turn has yet to come. Bodwinkle, I think you know +more of Mr Chundango's affairs than any one else; in fact, I suppose you +have what the tradesmen call 'a little account' between you. He wishes +to say a few words confidentially to you, while I want to have a moment +alone with Spiffy." + +"You know all about him?" I said, nodding towards Chundango. + +"Collapsed, hasn't he?" said Spiffy. + +"Yes," I said, "but it won't be known for a day or two. At present he is +Lord Scilly's nominee. Bodwinkle wants a borough. He may either ignore +his last programme, as it is not yet issued, and adopt Scilly's +political views, or, if he is too conscientious, when Chundango retires +at the last moment, he may snatch the seat. All that is your affair--you +know Scilly and Bodwinkle both better than I do. Now I have reasons for +wanting Chundango shipped back at once to Bombay, and for wishing to +close this long-standing affair of Lady Broadhem's with Bodwinkle. Make +the best terms you can for Chundango, and see what Bodwinkle is disposed +to do in the other matter; and let me know the result to-morrow. Keep +Chundango here now to refer to. Good-bye, Bodwinkle," I called out; +"Spiffy has got some good news to give you, but be merciful to our +friend here," and I passed my arm through Chundango's and drew him to a +corner. "Now, look here," I said, in a whisper, "if you will bury the +recollection of what has passed between you and Lady Broadhem, and never +breathe a word of it even in your dreams, I will get Bodwinkle to start +you again in Bombay, but you must go back at once and stay there. Now +you may stay here, for you will be wanted." I saw Spiffy meantime +imparting to Bodwinkle his projects for turning to account the new +prospects I had been the means of opening out to him. + +"Dear me," I thought, as I for the second time that day threaded my way +westwards from the City, "all this is unravelling itself very neatly, +considering how much dirt is mixed up in it, but it is not quite far +enough advanced to be communicated to Grandon." The fact is, I had a +sort of suspicion that he would not altogether approve of my mode of +carrying my point, even when my only desire was to secure his and +Ursula's happiness. No, I thought; he would have scruples, and object, +and bother. I won't tell him anything till it is all done; but I must +tell him something, as I promised him some good news to-day, and he is +waiting at home on purpose. + +"Well, old fellow, I think I have got a borough for you, after all. It +stupidly did not occur to me before, but you are just the man for the +constituency." + +"I thought you had been to Lady Broadhem's, and were to bring me back +some good news," said Grandon, with a disappointed air. + +"So I have," I replied, "but I am bound to secrecy for another +twenty-four hours; meantime, listen! I am going to retire from +Dunderhead. I wrote my address a few days ago, but did not send it. They +are therefore quite unprepared. I will retire to-morrow; the nomination +is to be in two or three days; and what with the suddenness of the +affair and my influence, your return is certain." + +"You going to retire!" said Grandon, astounded. "Why, you never told me +of this. When did you make up your mind?" + +"It made itself up, as it always does," I said, laughing. "It never puts +me in the painful position of having to decide, but takes its own line +at once. I am going to America by the next steamer." Now, when I tell my +readers that when I began to talk to Grandon I had no intention whatever +of going to America, they will be able to form some idea, if they have +not done so already, of what a funny mind mine is. It came upon me with +the irresistible force of an inspiration, and from that moment I was +morally booked and bound at all hazards to go. + +Grandon knew me so well that he was less surprised than he might have +been, and only sighed deeply. He felt at that moment that there was +something hopelessly wrong about me. He had been so often encouraged by +a certain steadiness which I maintained for some time, and which led him +to think me changed, and so often disappointed; for when he least +expected it I broke the slender fetters of common-sense and +conventionalism, which he and society between them had woven round me, +and went off at a tangent. + +"Never mind, old fellow," I said, laughing, "there is no use sighing +over me. I have pleasures and satisfactions arising from within that I +should not have if I was like everybody else. Now, for instance:"--and +the eagerness and turmoil which my new project excited within me seemed +to reduce every other consideration to insignificance, for I began to +feel conscious that, somehow or other, though I had often been in +America before, this time it was to be to me a newer world than ever. + +"Are you going alone?" said Grandon; for I had not finished my sentence. + +"No," I said; and I guessed who my companion was to be, though no words +had been exchanged between us. + +"Who IS going with you?" he asked, wonderingly, for my manner struck +him, and I scarcely heard his question, so wrapt at that instance seemed +all my faculties. I think I fell asleep and dreamt, but I can't recall +exactly what I seemed to see. Grandon was shaking me, I thought, in the +most heartless manner, and I told him as much when I opened my eyes. The +fact was, I was a little knocked up with excitement; but I would not go +and lie down till he promised me to stand for Dunderhead. Then I went to +bed, and did not get up till the lamps were being lighted in Piccadilly. + +The result of such irregular hours was that I was in bed next morning +when Spiffy Goldtip knocked at my bedroom-door. He had worked very hard +in Lady Broadhem's interest, and explained to me the scheme which he had +arranged with Bodwinkle, by means of which, at a very considerable +sacrifice of my own capital, I could start Lady Broadhem and her son +afresh in the world, on a very limited income, but devoid of +encumbrances of a threatening or embarrassing nature. I would far rather +have invested the same amount in securing a larger income to Grandon and +Ursula, if they were ever destined to be united; but I knew that, in the +first place, nothing would induce them to take it from me; and in the +second, that I could only even now hope to extort Lady Broadhem's +consent to the match by the prospect I was enabled to hold out to her of +a period of financial repose. After all, my own wants were moderate, and +£15,000 a-year satisfied them as well as £20,000. + +"We accomplished great things yesterday," said Spiffy, rubbing his hands +gleefully, for he had himself benefited by the settlement above alluded +to. "When I showed Bodwinkle that we could make the Scilly boroughs a +certainty, he behaved like a gentleman, and our friend Chundango is to +go out to Bombay by the next mail, under more favourable conditions than +he could have possibly expected. Of course I shall retire from +contesting Shuffleborough to the more congenial atmosphere of Homburg. +Heigho!" sighed Spiffy, "I have gone through a good deal of wear and +tear this season, and want to recruit." + +I got rid of Spiffy as soon as I had heard what he had to say, and I was +so satisfied with his intelligence that I determined at once to see +Grandon, and to take him with me to Lady Broadhem's. "Grandon," I said, +abruptly entering his room, "I want you to come with me at once to +Grosvenor Square." + +"Did Lady Broadhem tell you to ask me?" He looked up with such a sad, +wistful gaze as he said this, that my heart melted towards him, for I +felt I had spoken roughly; so I drew a chair close to him, and, sitting +by his side, placed my arm in his as we did in the old school-days. + +"My dear old fellow, the moment is come for you to prove your friendship +by trusting me thoroughly. I know how rudely Lady Broadhem has always +behaved to you whenever you have met--I know how my conduct has +perplexed and grieved you. Well, now, I have come to ask you to forgive +us both." + +"I have nothing to forgive; but it would be an utter want of taste in me +to go there unless she expects me, and wishes to see me, and I can +hardly hope that," he said, with a forced smile. + +For a moment I doubted whether I dared to risk it, but I had placed Lady +Broadhem in a position upon which I could venture a good deal, and I +longed for the triumph and gratification of enjoying the success of my +own handiwork. It would be a triumph full of alloy, but I wanted to see +how much I could achieve and--bear; so my hesitation vanished. + +"I will take the responsibility on myself," I said; "and believe me, I +would not urge it if I was not perfectly certain that I was doing what +is right. Remember how many times I have blindly followed your advice. I +only ask you this once to follow mine, and secure your own happiness." + +The temptation was too strong, and Grandon yielded; but it was with a +reluctant, doubtful step that he approached the door he had not this +year ventured to enter. It was opened by Drippings, and I took the +opportunity of having a little private conversation with him in the +hall, in the course of which it was arranged that he should exchange her +ladyship's service for mine, and accompany me to America: the truth is, +I proposed settling him there, and making him send for his wife and +family. He knew too much of Lady Broadhem's affairs to be at all a +desirable domestic either to herself or to her friends in this country. + +"Lady Broadhem is in her own sitting-room, my lord," said Drippings; +"shall I show your lordship up to her?" + +"No; if there is nobody in the drawing-room, take us there first. Now, +Grandon, I will send for you when you are wanted; keep quiet, and don't +get impatient;" and I left him and knocked at Lady Broadhem's door. + +The events of the last twenty-four hours had told upon her, and the old +wrinkles had come back, with several new ones. She was at that critical +age when a great grief or anxiety can make an elderly person antiquated +in a night--just as hair will turn grey in a few hours. She put out her +hand without speaking, but with an expression of resignation which +seemed to say, "I acknowledge myself beaten; be a brute or anything else +you like; trample upon me, pray--I am down without the possibility of +retaliating, but you will get very little sport out of me; badger me if +you like, I don't mean to show fight." All this I read in her face as +plainly as if she had said it; and I thought this a moment when +generosity on the part of the victor will prove one to be a true +strategist; and no one will appreciate it more than Lady Broadhem. With +great gentleness, and without allowing a shade of self-satisfaction to +cross my face or to penetrate my tones, I told her how I had propitiated +Bodwinkle, banished Chundango, provided for Drippings, and succeeded at +last in placing her affairs generally on a sound footing. + +"Your genius will never be appreciated by the world, Frank," she said, +smiling half ironically, half sadly. + +"I am quite aware of that," I replied; "nor will this record of my +experiences in it--except by you and one or two others who know how true +it is. And now, Lady Broadhem, you know the wish which is nearest my +heart, but which I don't venture to put in words,"--and I held out my +hand. + +"Yes," she said--and I saw the slender nostril dilate with the effort it +cost her to yield the point upon which she had been so long +inflexible--"you want my consent to Ursula's marriage with Grandon. I +give it." + +"Wait a minute; I should like Lady Ursula to be present," I said; for +even now I did not feel that I could trust the old lady thoroughly, and +I rang the bell. It was delightful to see how submissively Lady Broadhem +sent for Lady Ursula, and how kindly she greeted both son and daughter +as they entered, for Broadhem accompanied his sister. + +"I have sent for you, my dear," she said, "to tell you how much we owe +to our kind friend here, who has completely relieved my mind from all +those anxieties which have been weighing upon it for the last few years, +by his noble and generous conduct. Ursula, dear, you will never know +really how much you owe him, for he has shown me that I have not done my +duty to you as a mother;" and Lady Broadhem's voice trembled. "Upon my +word," I thought, "I do believe the old woman is sincere;" and I looked +at her fixedly. The tears were filling her eyes. Now pray heaven that we +have got to heart at last--it is like sinking a well in a thirsty +desert, and coming on water. Yes, there they are welling out, honest +large drops, chasing each other to the point of her nose. Oh, my dear +Lady Broadhem, I am beginning to love you, and my eyes are beginning to +swim too; and before she knew where she was, I threw my arms round her +neck and kissed her--an example which was rapidly followed both by +Ursula and Broadhem, and which so overcame their mother that she buried +her face in a pillow and sobbed out--in tears that might at first have +been bitter, but were assuredly sweet and refreshing at last--her +repentance. I don't think Broadhem had any very definite idea why he +wept, beyond a feeling of sympathy with his mother, and the fact, which +I afterwards heard, that Wild Harrie had taken Spiffy's advice, and +refused him; so he mingled his tears with hers, but Lady Ursula's eyes +were dry and supernaturally brilliant. As I gazed on the group, my own +heart seemed to swell to bursting. I do really believe and trust that +Lady Broadhem will give up the worldly-holies, and become a pious good +woman; and that those talents and that force of character which she +possesses may be dedicated to a higher service than they have heretofore +been. If I have been the humble instrument of working the change, the +sooner I send Grandon here and vanish myself from the scene, the better, +or I shall become vain and conceited, I thought; and I rose from my +seat. + +"Good-bye, Lady Broadhem," I said, "you will not see me again. I am +going to America in three days, and must go to Flityville to-morrow; but +I never thought I could have bid you all farewell and felt so happy at +the prospect of parting;" and I threw one yearning glance on Ursula in +spite of myself. "Your happiness is secured, I do most firmly believe," +I said to her; "and as for you," and I laid my hand on Broadhem's +shoulder, "remember the experiment I proposed to you the other night, +and try it;" and I was moving off when Ursula seized my hand, and almost +dragged me back to her mother's side. She lifted up her eyes like one +inspired, and the radiancy of her expression seemed to dazzle and blind +me. Then she knelt down, and I knelt by her side, while her mother lay +before us, her whole frame heaving with convulsive sobs, and Broadhem +stood by wondering and awestruck. I can't repeat that prayer here, but +there was a power in those gentle accents which stilled the stormy +elements, as the waves of the sea were once stilled before; and when the +thrilling voice ceased there was a great calm, and we knew that a change +had been affected in that place. Then the floodgates were opened which +had been to that moment barred, and Lady Ursula threw herself on her +mother's bosom, and wept tears of gratitude, and I stole silently away +to the drawing-room, and led Grandon by the hand, without uttering a +word, to that room into which a new atmosphere had descended, and a new +breath had called into existence a new nature. He started back on the +threshold at the picture before him. Lady Broadhem, apparently scarcely +conscious, clasped in the arms of her weeping daughter; and +Broadhem--poor Broadhem--bewildered at the sight of the strong woman he +had dreaded and worshipped thus suddenly breaking down, was sitting on a +footstool at his mother's side, holding one of her hands, helplessly. + +"Good God! Frank," said Grandon, in a whisper, for neither Lady Broadhem +nor her daughter saw us, "what have you been doing?" + +"Beginning the work which is left for you to finish;" and I gently +disengaged one of Lady Ursula's hands, and drew it towards me. "On you," +I said to her solemnly, "has been bestowed a great gift; use it as you +have done, and may he share it with you, and support you in the lifelong +trial it must involve, and in the ridicule to which you will both be +exposed. For myself, I go to seek it where I am told I shall alone find +it." I placed her hand in Grandon's, kissed her mother on the forehead, +and hurried from the room. Then the strain on my nervous system suddenly +relaxed. I am conscious of Drippings helping me into a cab, and going +with me to Piccadilly, and of one coming in and finding me stretched on +my bed, and of his lifting me from it by a single touch, just as +Drippings was going off in quest of the doctor. It was he who had met me +that night when I was walking with Broadhem, but his name I am unable to +divulge. "Stay here, my friend," he said to Drippings, "and pack your +master's things: there is no need for the doctor; I will take him to +America." And my heart leaped within me, for its predictions were +verified, and the path lay clear before me. + +And now, on this last night in England, as I pen the last lines of this +record of my life during the six months that are past, and look back to +the spirit in which it was begun, and examine the influences which +impelled me to write as I have, I see that I too have undergone a +change, and that the time has come when, if I wished, I can no more +descant as heretofore on the faults and foibles of the day. Among those +who have read me there may be some who have so well understood, that +they will see why this is so. If in what I have said I have hurt the +feelings of any man or woman in my desire to expose the vices of society +at large, they will be of those who have failed to detect why I have +said thus much, and needs must stop here; but none the less earnestly +would I assure them that it has been against my will and intention to +wound any one. As I began because I could not help it, so I end because +I am obliged. My task is done. The seed which I found in my hand, such +as it was, I have sown. Whether it rots and dies in the ground, or +springs up and brings forth fruit, is a matter in which I cannot, and +ought not, to have the smallest personal interest. + + +THE END. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Piccadilly, by Laurence Oliphant + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PICCADILLY *** + +***** This file should be named 36277-8.txt or 36277-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/2/7/36277/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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