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diff --git a/36187.txt b/36187.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d2d47b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/36187.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1771 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, +October 15th 1887, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, October 15th 1887 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: May 22, 2011 [EBook #36187] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jane Robins, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 93, OCTOBER 15, 1887. + + _edited by Sir Francis Burnand._ + + + + + 'ARRY ON OCHRE. + +[Illustration] + + DEAR CHARLIE, + + Hoctober, my 'arty, and 'ARRY, wus luck! 's back in town, + Where it's all gitting messy and misty; the boollyvard trees is all + brown, + Them as ain't gone as yaller as mustard. I _do_ 'ate the Autumn, + dear boy, + When a feller 'as spent his last quid, and there's nothink to do or + enjoy. + + Cut it spicy, old man, by the briny, I did, and no error. That Loo + Was a rattler to keep up the pace whilst a bloke 'ad a brown left to + blue. + Cleared me out a rare bat, I can tell yer; no Savings Bank lay about + _her_. + Yah!--Women is precious like cats, ony jest while you strokes 'em they + purr. + + Lor', to think wot a butterfly beauty I was when I started, old pal! + Natty cane, and a weed like a hoop-stick, and now!--oh, well, jigger + that gal! + Cut me slap in the Strand ony yesterday, CHARLIE, so 'elp me, + she did. + Well, of sech a false baggage as Loo is, yours truly is jolly well rid. + + Wot a thing this yer Ochre is, CHARLIE! The yaller god rules + us all round. + Parsons patter of poverty's pleasures! I tell yer they ain't to be + found. + If you 'aven't the ha'pence you're nothink; bang out of it, slap up + a tree. + That's a moral, as every man as is not a mere mug must agree. + + They talks of "the Masses and Classes,"--old Collars is red on that + rot!-- + There is ony two classes, old pal, them as 'as it and them as 'as not. + The Ochre, I mean, mate, the spondulicks, call the dashed stuff wot + you please. + It's the Lucre as makes Life worth livin', without it things ain't + wuth a sneeze. + + O CHARLIE, I wish I'd got millions! I _ought_ to be rich, and no kid. + + I feel I wos made for it, CHARLIE. To watch every bloomin' arf quid, + + Like a pup at a rat 'ole is beastly. Some stingy 'uns _carn't_ go the + pace, + But I know I should turn out a flyer, and so ought to be in the race. + + Oh, it ain't every juggins, I tell yer, who's built for the bullion, + dear boy! + You must know the snide game that's called "Grab," you must know what + it means to "enjoy." + Neither one without tother's much use, but the true Ochre Kings are + the chaps + As can squeeze millions out of "the Masses." They win in life's game, + mate, by laps. + + That's jest wot "the Masses" is made for; _them asses_ I calls 'em, + old man, + Same letters, same thing, dontcher know. Yus, Socierty's built on this + plan. + Many littles makes lots, that's the maxim; and he is the snide 'un, + no doubt, + Who can squeeze his lot out of the littles of half the poor mugs + who're about. + + Twig, CHARLIE, old twister? Yer sweaters, yer Giant + Purviders, and such + Is all on that lay. Many buds, and one big bloated Bee, that's the + touch! + Wy, if bees was as many as blossoms, or blossoms as few as the bees, + Him as nicked a whole hive to hisself would find dashed little honey + to squeeze. + + The honey--or money--wants _massing_, that's jest wot the Masses + can do-- + And the "Classes," my boy, are the picked 'uns, as know 'ow to put on + the screw. + That's the doctrine of "DANNEL the Dosser," a broken-down + toff, as I know; + And if DANNEL ain't right, I'm a Dutchman. _That's_ ow + yer big money-piles grow. + + Rum party the Dosser is, CHARLIE--I can't make him out, mate, + not quite. + Laps beer, when he can, like a bricky, though brandy's his mark. His + delight + Is to patter to me about Swelldom, Socierty, wot he calls gammon-- + That's Ochre, dear boy, dontcher know. I suppose arf his gab is sheer + mammon. + + He eyes me in sech a rum style, CHARLIE, sort of arf smile and + arf sneer, + Though he owns I'm a Dasher right down to the ground--when he's well + on the beer. + A pot and a pipe always dror him, and I'm always game to stand Sam, + For his patter's A1, and I pump 'im,--a lay as he stands like a lamb. + + "You _ought_ to be rich, my young Cloten!" sez he. It's a part of + his game + To call me nicknames out of _Shakspeare_, and so on; but "Wot's in + a name?" + "My brain and your 'eart now together, would make a rare Dives," says + "Dosser." + I don't always know wot he means, and I doubt if _he_ does, poor + old josser! + + 'Owsomever, the Ochre's my toppic. Some jugginses talk about "Thrift," + Penny Savings' Bank bosh, and that stuff. Wouldn't 'ave their dashed + brains at a gift. + _Save_, hay,--out of two quid a week! No, it doesn't fetch me in + that shape. + You must _swag_ in this world to get rich; if yer carn't, it's no + bottles to _scrape_. + + The Turf or the Stock Exchange, CHARLIE, would suit me, I'd trust + to my luck, + And my leariness, _not_ to get plucked like that silly young + Ailesbury duck, + Wot's life without sport? Wy, like billiards without e'er a bet or a + fluke, + And that's wy I'd be a Swell Bookie--that is if I carn't be a Dook. + + In fact if I 'ad my own chice, I should jest like to _double the + part_, + As I fancy a few on 'em do. Oh, Jemimer! jest give me a start. + With a 'undered or two, and the Ochre I'd pile 'twould take waggons to + carry. + The world loses larks, mate, you bet, when among the stone-brokers is + + 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +TURNING TO THE LEFT.--At a recent meeting of the Court of Common Council +(in the teeth of a strong opposition of some of the members of the +Board) it was decided to exclude strangers and the Press during a part +of the proceedings. The matter under secret consideration, it is said, +was the appointment by the Recorder of the Assistant-Judge of the +Mayor's Court. It is rumoured that, acting on the opinion of Mr. R. S. +WRIGHT, (with him the Attorney-General) the Court decided not to confirm +that appointment. But why all this mystery? What had the Councillors to +fear? Obviously, they could be doing nothing wrong if they were +sustained by WRIGHT! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JUMPING AT CONCLUSIONS. + +"WHO'S THAT _TINY_ LITTLE GENTLEMAN TALKING TO MAMMA, TOM?" + +"MR. SCRIBBINS, THE WRITING MASTER AT OUR SCHOOL." + +"AH! I SUPPOSE HE TEACHES _SHORT-HAND!_"] + + * * * * * + +A LORD MAYOR'S DAY IN DUBLIN. + +(_A Lay of the Criminal Law Amendment Act._) + + "Shure it's BALFOUR would be troublin', meeself Lord Mayor o' Dublin, + But every charge he makes I'll meet in fashion you'll call nate; + For I'll face the accusation that he brings against the _Nation_, + Attired from head to foot, my boys, in all my robes of State. + + "So on with hat and gown, boys, for we're goin' through the town, boys, + And you must help your City's Chief to make a real display," + Thus TIM SULLIVAN he cried out, as straightway he did ride out, + In civic pomp to near the Court on that eventful day. + + And Town Councillors in numbers, woke from their normal slumbers, + And, donning gowns and tippets, rose and put on all they knew, + And with approbation glancing at the City Marshal, prancing + On a hired hack, they followed him, a rather motley crew. + + At length the Court they entered, when attention soon was centred, + On a squabble that had risen about the Sword and Mace: + For some swore they were not able to lie upon the table, + Though the Lord Mayor hotly argued it was their proper place. + + So when 'twas shown quite plainly, after pushing for it vainly, + Beyond the "bar" the civic baubles had to be conveyed, + With vow that none should floor them, their guardians upstairs bore + them, + And in the front seats flaunted them conspicuously displayed. + + Then up stood Mr. CARSON, quite as quiet as a parson, + And read out his indictment with a settled, stone-like face, + Till TIM HEALY, quick replying, rose then and there, denying + That the Counsel for the Crown had a shadow of a case. + + And then as legal brother argued each against the other, + The while TIM SULLIVAN reclined in all his civic blaze, + O'DONEL he looked vexed there, and he seemed somewhat perplexed there, + As if the matter struck him as involved in doubtful haze. + + But after some reflection, with a _soupcon_ of dejection, + He announced that he had settled (though, doubtless, mid some fears + He might stir up BALFOUR'S fury), there was no case for a jury. + His judgment was received in Court with hearty ringing cheers. + + Then, wild with exultation, up rose Mayor and Corporation, + And, greeted by the crowd without, were cheered along the way, + Til the Mansion House on nearing, the mob cried, 'midst their cheering, + A speech they wanted, and would hear what he had got to say. + + Then TIM SULLIVAN he spouted;--the mob they surged and shouted, + And the upshot of the speech was this, that if, through legal flaws, + By any chance your way you see, to battle with the powers that be, + You're hero both and martyr if you break the Saxon's laws. + + So it's no use, BALFOUR, troublin' the Civic powers of Dublin; + For if you do, you know that they will meet you just half way; + And if fresh accusation you but bring against the _Nation_, + The City shure will answer with another Lord Mayor's Day! + + * * * * * + +THE REAL GRIEVANCE OFFICE. + +(_Before_ Mr. Commissioner PUNCH.) + +_An Official of Epping Forest introduced._ + +_The Commissioner._ Now, Sir, what can I do for you? + +_Witness._ You can confer a favour upon me, Sir, by correcting some +sensational letters and paragraphs on "Deer-Maiming in Epping Forest," +that have lately appeared in the newspapers. + +_The Commissioner._ Always pleased to oblige the Corporation. Well, what +is it? + +_Witness._ I wish to say, Sir, that deer-shooting in Epping Forest, so +far as its guardians are concerned, is not a sport, but a difficult and +disagreeable duty? + +_The Commissioner._ A duty? + +_Witness._ Yes, Sir, a duty; because, in fulfilment of an agreement with +the late Lords of the Forest Manors (to whom we have to supply annually +a certain amount of venison), and in justice to the neighbouring +farmers, whose crops are much damaged by the deer, we are obliged to +keep down the herd to a fixed limit. + +_The Commissioner._ But how about the stories of the wounded animals +that linger and die? + +_Witness._ We have nothing to do with them--we are not in fault. I mean +by "we" those who have a right to shoot by the invitation of the proper +Authorities. + +_The Commissioner._ But are not the poor animals sometimes wounded? + +_Witness._ Alas, yes! Unhappily the forest is infested by a gang of +poachers of the worst type, and it is at their door that any charge of +cruelty must be laid. So far as we are concerned, we kill the deer in +the most humane manner. We use rifles and bullets, and our guns are +excellent shots. As no doubt you will have seen from the report of the +City Solicitor, such deer as it has been necessary to kill, have been +shot by, or in the presence of, two of the Conservators renowned for +their humanity and shooting skill. + +_The Commissioner._ It seems to me that you should put down the +poachers. + +_Witness._ We do our best, Sir. You must remember the Corporation has +not been in possession very long. We have to protect nearly ten square +miles of forest land, close to a city whose population is counted by +Millions. + +_The Commissioner._ Very true. Can I do anything more for you? + +_Witness._ Nothing, Sir. Pray accept my thanks for affording me this +opportunity of offering an explanation. I trust the explanation is +satisfactory? + +_The Commissioner._ Perfectly. (_The Witness then withdrew._) + + * * * * * + +THE OCTOPUS OF ROMANCE AND REALITY. + +(AS MUCH FACT AS FANCY.) + +[Illustration: "I had one curried, and found it most +excellent--something like tender tripe."--_Extract from Mr. Tuer's +Letter_.] + + "Devil-fish" of VICTOR HUGO, + Dread _Pieuvre_ of caves where few go + But are made your palsied prey, + Where are now your gruesome glories, + Dwelt upon in shocking stories? + Realism a big bore is + "Octopus is cheap to-day!" + + You who, worst of ocean's gluttons, + Swallowed man, his boots, and buttons, + Cooked in this familiar way? + You who, in the tales of dreamers, + Sucked down ships and swallowed steamers, + Made the prey of kitchen schemers? + "Octopus _is_ cheap to-day!" + + Swallowed, _you_ colossal cuttle? + Nemesis is really subtle! + Carted on the Coster's tray, + Dressed in fashions culinary, + Which the cunning _chef_ will vary + After every vain vagary? + "Octopus is cheap to-day!" + + Your huge arms, so strong, so many, + Like tarantula's _antennae_, + Just like tenderest tripe, they say! + Only wait a little longer, + Turtle soup--as from the Conger-- + They will make from _you_, but stronger. + "Octopus is cheap to-day!" + + Octopus--or is't Oct[=o]pus?-- + Fame, that should outshine CANOPUS, + All too swiftly fleets away. + Yet our feelings it must harrow, + That _your_ demon-fame should narrow + To cook-bench and coster barrow. + "Devil-fish is cheap to-day!" + + * * * * * + +SALUBRITIES ABROAD. + +("Is this the Hend?"--_Miss Squeers_.) + +[Illustration] + +SKURRIE puts us in the train, gives us our COOK'S tickets all ready +stamped and dated. No trouble. Then he insists on comparing his notes of +our route with mine, to see that all is correct. + +"Wednesday," he says, "that's to-day. Geneva _dep_. 12, Bale _arr_. +7.45." He speaks a _Bradshaw_ abbreviated language. "Change twice, +perhaps three times, Lausanne, Brienne, Olten. Not quite sure; but you +must look out." Oh, the trouble and anxiety of looking out for where you +change! "Then," he goes on, "Thursday, Bale _dep_. 9.2 A.M., Heidelberg +_arr_. 1.55." + +"Any change?" I ask, as if I wanted twopence out of a shilling. + +"No; at least I don't think so. But you had better ask," he replies. Ah! +this asking! if you are not quite well, and don't understand the +language (which I do not in German Switzerland), and get hold of an +austere military station-master, or an imbecile porter, and then have to +carry that most inconvenient article of all baggage, a hand-bag, which +you have brought as "so convenient to hold everything you want for a +night," and which is so light to carry until it is packed! "Then," goes +on the imperturbable SKURRIE, "you'll 'do' Heidelberg, dine there, sleep +there, and on Friday Heidelberg _dep_. 6 A.M.----" + +Here I interrupt with a groan--"Can't we go later?" + +"No," says SKURRIE, sternly. "Impossible. You'll upset all the +calculations if you do." + +JANE says, meekly, that when one is travelling, and going to bed early, +it is not so difficult to get up very early, and, for her part, she +knows she shall be awake all night. Ah! so shall I, I feel, and already +the journey begins to weigh heavily on me, and I do not bless SKURRIE +and his plan. "But," I say aloud, knowing he has done it all for the +best, and that I cannot now recede, "go on." + +He does so, at railroad pace:--"Heidelberg _dep_. 6. Mannheim _arr_. +7.5, _dep_. 7.15. Mayence _arr_. 8.22, in time for boat down the Rhine +8.55. Cologne _arr_. 4.30. And there you are." + +"Yes," I rejoin, rather liking the idea of Cologne, "there we are--and +then?" + +"Well, you'll have a longish morning at Cologne; rest, see Cathedral, +breakfast," and here he refers to his notes, "Cologne _dep_. 1.13 P.M., +and Antwerp _arr_. 6.34." + +"Change anywhere?" I inquire, helplessly. "Yes," he answers, +meditatively. "At this moment I forget where, but you've got examination +of baggage on the Belgian frontier, and you have two changes, I think. +However, it's all easy enough." + +"I'm glad of that," I say, trying to cheer up a bit, only somehow I am +depressed: and Cousin JANE isn't much better, though she tries to put +everything in the pleasantest possible light, and remarks that at all +events "the travelling will soon be over." + +SKURRIE continues reading off his paper and comparing the details with +my notes, "Sunday--Antwerp _dep_. 6.34 P.M. Rosendael _arr_. +7.45--yes--then Rosendael _dep_. 8.44, and catch the 10.10 P.M. boat at +Flushing. Queenborough _arr_. 5.50, fresh as a lark, and up to town by +7.55." + +"But we don't want to go up to town, we want to go to Ramsgate." + +"Ha!" he says slowly, giving this idea as just sprung upon him his full +consideration. "Ha!--let me see----" Then, as if by inspiration, he +continues quickly--"sacrifice your London tickets, book luggage for +Flushing, only then at Flushing re-book it for Queenborough, and once +you're there you catch an early train to Ramsgate, and you'll be there +nearly as soon as you would have arrived in London. Train just off. Wish +you _bon voyage_." + +I thank him for all his trouble, and ask, with some astonishment, if he +is not going to accompany us? + +"Can't--wish I could," returns SKURRIE, "but I've got to go off to +Petersburgh by night mail. Business. Should have been delighted to have +looked after you and seen you through, but you've got it all down and +can't make any mistake. _Au plaisir!_" + +And he is off. So are we. + +Oh, this journey!! Everything changes. My health, the scenery, the +weather, all becoming worse and worse. Poor Cousin JANE, too. + +Oh, the changes of carriage! The rushing about from platform to +platform, carrying that confounded bag, and sticks, and umbrellas, and +small things, of which JANE--poor JANE!--has her share, and, but for her +sticking to every basket and package, I should, in despair, have +surrendered to chance, left them behind me somewhere, and should have +never seen them again. All aches and pains, and weariness! At last at +Bale, rattled over stones and bridge in a jolting omnibus, through +pouring rain to the hotel of "The Three Kings." + +Our treatment in the _salle-a-manger_ of that Monarchical Hostelrie is +enough to make the most loyal turn republican. A willing head-waiter +with insubordinate assistants--and we are miserable. + +Off early to Heidelberg. Delighted, at all events, to bid farewell to +the worthy Monarchs. This trip seemed to invigorate us, and if civility, +polite attention, good rooms, and an excellent _cuisine_ could make any +invalid temporarily better, then our short stay at the Prinz Karl +Hotel--a really perfectly managed establishment--ought to have revived +us both considerably. And so it did. A lovely drive to the heights among +the pine woods and in the purest air went for something, but alas the +knowledge that we had to rise at 5 A.M., to be off by six--it turned out +to be a 6.30 train--drove slumber from our eyes, and only by means of a +cold bath, the first thing on tumbling out of bed, could I brace myself +for the effort. Then on we went, taking SKURRIE'S pre-arranged tour. + +Let the remainder be a blank. + +When abroad I had bought a French one-volume novel which I had seen +praised in the _Figaro_. I will not give its name, nor that of its +author. If it indeed portrays persons really living in Paris, and if +these persons are not wholly exceptional (but, if so, why this novel, +which implies the contrary and denounces them?) then is the latest state +of Republican Paris worse than its former state in the days of the +_degringolade_ of the Empire, and Paris must undergo a fearful purgation +before she will once again possess _mens sana in corpore sano_. I read +this disgusting novel half-way through until its meaning became quite +clear to me, and then I proceeded by leaps and bounds, landing on dry +places and skipping over the filth in order to see how the author worked +out a moral and punished his infamous scoundrel of a chief personage. +No. Moral there was none, except an eloquent appeal to Paris to rise and +crush these reptiles and their brood. On the wretched night when +feverish, ill, and sleepless, I lay miserably in the saloon of the +Flemish steamer crossing to Queenborough, I opened the porthole above me +and threw this infernal book into the sea. After this I bore the +sufferings of that night with a lighter heart. + + * * * * * + +Suffice it that I arrived at home--and how glad I was to get +there--broken down, prostrate and only fit for bed----where with +railways running round and round my head, steamboats dashing and +thumping about my brain, the shrieks of German and Flemish porters +ringing in my ears, SKURRIE always forcing me to travel on, on, on, +against my will, I remained for about three weeks. + +_Advice gratis to all Drinkers of Waters_.--"The story shows," as the +Moral to the fables of AESOP used to put it, that when you have finished +your cure, make straight by the easiest stages for the seaside at +home. Avoid all exertion: and ask your medical man before leaving to +tell you exactly what to eat, drink, and avoid, for the next three weeks +at least after the completion of your cure. + + * * * * * + +While ill, but when beginning to crave for some amusement or +distraction, I asked that my dear old BOZ'S _Sketches_ should be read to +me, to which in years gone by I had been indebted for many a hearty +laugh. Alas! what a disappointment! Except for a little descriptive bit +here and there, the fun of these _Sketches_ sounded as wearisome and +old-fashioned as the humours of the now forgotten "Adelphi screamers" in +which Messrs. WRIGHT and PAUL BEDFORD used to perform, and at which, as +a boy, I used to scream with delight, when the strong-minded mistress of +the house, speaking while the comic servant was laying the cloth for +dinner, would say of her husband, "When I see him I'll give him----" +"Pepper," says the comic servant, accidentally placing that condiment on +the table. "He shan't," resumes the irate lady, "come over me with +any----" "Butter," interrupts the comic servant, quite unconsciously, of +course, as he deposits a pat of Dorset on the table. And so on. Later +on, I tried THACKERAY'S _Esmond_. How tedious, how involved, and full of +repetitions! It is enlivened here and there by the introduction of such +real characters as _Dick Steele_, _Lord Mohun_, _Dean Atterbury_, and +others, and by the mysterious melodramatic appearances and +disappearances of _Father Holt_, a typical Jesuit of the "penny +dreadful" style of literature. But the work had lost whatever charm it +ever possessed for me, and, indeed, I had always considered it an +over-rated book, not by any means to be compared with _Vanity Fair_, +_Pendennis_, or even with _Barry Lyndon_, which last is repulsively +clever. + + * * * * * + +Then I asked for a book that I never yet could get through, and to which +I thought that now, with leisure and a craving for distraction, I might +take a liking. This was _Little Dorrit_. I tried hard, but it made my +head ache even more than _Esmond_ had done, and I laid it down, utterly +unable to comprehend the mystery which takes such an amount of dreary, +broken-up, tedious dialogue in the closing chapters to unravel. + + * * * * * + +I took down WASHINGTON IRVING'S _Sketch-book_, and read it with +delight. Fresh as ever! It did me good. So did CHARLES LAMB'S Essays. +And then guess what moved me to laughter, to tears, and to real +heartfelt gratitude that we should have had a writer who could leave us +such an immortal work? What? It is a gem. It is very small, but to my +mind, and not excepting any one of all he ever wrote, the most precious +in every way for its true humour, for its natural pathos, and for its +large-hearted Christian teaching, is _The Christmas Carol_, by CHARLES +DICKENS. Had this been his only book, it would have sufficed for his +imperishable fame. + + * * * * * + +And then what made me chuckle and laugh? Why, THACKERAY'S _Sultan Stork_, +which, somehow or other, I never remembered having read before this time +of convalescent leisure. It is THACKERAY in his most frolicsome humour, +and, therefore, THACKERAY at his best. + + * * * * * + +I am almost recovered, and am finding my "Salubrity at Home." + + * * * * * + +THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + +FROM AN ANXIOUS HOUSEHOLDER. + +[Illustration] + +DEAR TOBY,--It was in my mind to write to you some days ago, but I have +had my time much occupied with a subject of domestic interest. In fact, +I have just been laying the carpet presented to me by our +fellow-citizens of the ancient and important community of Kidderminster. +The carpet, regarded individually, is a desirable and an acceptable +thing. It is, as you have observed in the newspaper reports, woven of +the wool known to the trade as the Queen's Clip. In colour it is a rich +damson, and in quality Wilton. Apart from its suitability and +acceptability, we here see in it the beginning of what I confess we +should be inclined to regard as a pleasing habit on the part of our +fellow-countrymen. As you are aware, my wife and myself have for some +years been the recipients of gifts consisting of what a well-known +person of the name of _Wemmick_ was accustomed to call, articles of +portable property. Our journeys to Scotland were always marked by the +presentation of gifts that even became embarrassing by reason of their +quantity and variety. We have quite a stock of Paisley shawls. Dundee +marmalade is a drug in our domestic market. Plaids, snuff-boxes, +walking-sticks, and, above all, axes I have in abundance. Through the +medium of an interesting periodical, of which you may have heard--(it is +known as _Exchange and Mart_)--we have managed to average our +possessions, a process not entirely free from adventure. In one instance +an unscrupulous individual, probably a member of the Primrose League, +succeeded in obtaining a two-dozen case of marmalade and a Scotch plaid +presented by the working-men of Glasgow, in promise, yet unfulfilled, of +delivery of a bicycle warranted new. I have rather a hankering after +trying a bicycle. LOWE gave his up with the ultimate remainder of his +Liberal principles. But in old times I have heard him speak with +enthusiasm of the exercise. When I noticed this person advertising in +_Exchange and Mart_ his desire of bartering his bicycle, we entered upon +the negotiation which has ended so unfortunately. He has our Paisley +plaid and Dundee marmalade, and we have not his bicycle. + +This, however, by the way. What I had at heart to write to you about, +suggested by the Kidderminster carpet, is the new opening here offered +for manifestations of political sympathy at a serious political crisis. +We are, to tell the truth, towards the close of a long career, a little +overburdened with articles of portable property of the kind already +indicated. But our residence is large, and, if I may say so, receptive. +Carpets, though a not unimportant feature in the furnishing of a house, +do not contain within themselves the full catalogue of a furnishing +establishment. + +If Kidderminster has its carpets, there are other localities throughout +the Kingdom which have their tables and chairs, their bed-room +furniture, their curtains, their brass stair-rods, and their +gas-fittings. History will, I believe, look with indulgent eye upon an +ex-Premier, the Counsellor of Kings, the leader of a great Party, +assisting at the hauling in and laying down of an eleemosynary carpet, +the wool of which is made from Queen's Clip, has a rich damson colour, +and is of Wilton quality. Why should I not give a back to an arm-chair +presented by an admiring Liberal Association? or walk upstairs with a +bolster under either arm, token of the esteem and admiration of the West +of England Home Rulers? + +I throw out these thoughts to you, dear TOBY, as I sit in my study and +survey the carpet of Wilton quality, which covers the floor. As you will +have seen in the newspaper reports, "on entering the room where the +carpet was displayed the Right Honourable Gentleman remarked that it had +a quiet tone, which was so pleasant to the eye; adding that it was a +great mistake, (which used to be committed about fifty years ago) when +carpets were made with staring patterns." It is, I need hardly say, the +growth of Liberal principles which has effected this change in the +public taste for carpets. Whether indeed, suppose we were in need of a +battle-cry, "Our Quiet Tones and Our Liberal Principles," would not +serve as opposed to "Toryism and Staring Patterns," I am not certain. +These things we must leave to the evolution of time. Meanwhile I will +not deny in the confidence of a friendly letter that we could very well +do with a sofa, the tone and construction of which should, of course, +match the carpet from Kidderminster. If you are attending any public +meeting and you find the popular indignation against the Government of +Lord SALISBURY rising to an ungovernable pitch, you might gently and +discreetly guide it in this direction. + + Always yours faithfully, + + _H-w-rd-n C-stle._ W. E. GL-DST-NE. + +P.S.--A mangle and a garden-roller might later, and in due order, occupy +your kindly thought. + + * * * * * + +GENTLE SHEPHERD + +_A Ballade for the Board._ + + "The lobby of the Metropolitan Board of Works offices was + recently the scene of a serious assault, committed by Mr. + KEEVIL, upon Mr. SHEPHERD."--_Daily Paper_. + + Gentle SHEPHERD, tell me true, + Did, selecting time and place, + Wary KEEVIL go for you,-- + Hit you on the chest and face? + Did he, waiting on the stairs, + Watch until you passed him by, + Then adroitly, unawares, + Plant one on your weather eye? + Did, O SHEPHERD, tell me true, + Wary KEEVIL get at you! + + Gentle SHEPHERD, answer me, + Say, did you, when last you spoke, + Language use that possibly + Wary KEEVIL might provoke? + If so, p'raps 'twas not too wise, + Though it could involve no right + To attempt to black your eyes + In a stand-up Board-Room fight! + Ah! sweet SHEPHERD, sure his due + He will get who went for you! + + * * * * * + + "PROUD O' THE TITLE."--The Bishop of LICHFIELD, + in one of his speeches at the Church Congress last week, + included the English Roman Catholics among the "other + Nonconformists." Then his Lordship was graciously + pleased to observe that he was very willing to acknowledge + the QUEEN as supreme, but objected to the authority + of Parliament, in Church matters. It is very evident on + which side Dr. MACLAGAN would have been in the reign + of the pure and pious HENRY THE EIGHTH, when that + amiable monarch ordered the decapitation of those + bigoted and obtuse "Nonconformists," Bishop FISHER, + and Sir THOMAS MORE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HARDLY FAIR. +OUR ARTIST PAINTS AN INTERESTING STUDY OF A FURZE BUSH.] + + * * * * * + + THE NEW NORTH-WEST PASSAGE. + + _A Colloquy on the Canadian Shore._ + + _Canada._ "Westward the course of empire takes its way." + + _Britannia._ The Bishop's famous line, dear, bears to-day + Modified meaning; westward runs indeed + The route of empire,--ours! + + _Canada._ If I succeed + In drawing hither Trade's unfaltering feet + And _yours_, my triumph then will be complete. + + _Britannia._ Across your continent from sea to sea + All is our own, my child, and all is free. + No jealous rivals spy around our path + With watchfulness not far remote from wrath. + The sea-ways are my own, free from of old + To keels adventurous and bosoms bold. + Now, from my western cliffs that front the deep + To where the warm Pacific waters sweep + Around Cathay and old Zipangu's shore, + My course is clear. What can I wish for more? + To your young enterprise the praise is due. + + _Canada._ The praise, and profit, I would share with you. + Canadian energy has felt the spur + Of British capital; the flush and stir + Of British patriot blood is in our heart; + Still I am glad you think I've done my part. + + _Britannia._ Bravely! Yon Arctic wastes no more need slay + My gallant sons. Had FRANKLIN seen this day + He had not slept his last long lonely sleep + Where the chill ice-pack lades the frozen deep. + "It can be done; England should do it!" Yes, + That is the thought which urges to success + Our struggling sore-tried heroes. WAGHORN knew + Such inspiration. Many a palsied crew + Painfully creeping through the Arctic night + Have felt it fill their souls like fire and light. + Well, it _is_ done, by men of English strain, + Though in such shape as they who strove in vain + With Boreal cold and darkness never dreamed + When o'er the Pole the pale aurora gleamed + Perpetual challenge. + + _Canada._ Here's your Empire route! + A right of way whose value to compute + Will tax the prophets. + + _Britannia._ Links me closer still + With all my wandering sons who tame and till + The world's wild wastes, and throng each paradise + In tropic seas or under southern skies, + See, Halifax, Vancouver, Sydney, set + Fresh steps upon a path whose promise yet + Even ourselves have hardly measured. Lo! + Far China brought within a moon or so, + Of tea-devouring London! Here it lies, + The way for men and mails and merchandise, + Striking athwart your sea-dividing sweep + Of land; one iron road from deep to deep! + Well thought, well done! + + _Canada._ No more need you depend + On furtive enemy or doubtful friend. + Your home is on the deep, and when you come, + To the Dominion's land you're still at home. + + _Britannia._ And woe to him the Statesman cold or blind, + Of clutching spirit or of chilling mind, + Pedantic prig or purse-string tightening fool, + Who'd check such work and such a spirit cool! + Yours is the praise and may the profit flow + In fullest stream, 'midst your Canadian snow + A true Pactolus. Trade's prolific fruit, + Should freely flourish on our Empire Route. + + * * * * * + +LOADED WITH PRESENTS.--In the account given in the _Times_ (Oct. 7) of +the unveiling of Mr. BOEHM'S statue of the QUEEN in the presence of its +donors, HER MAJESTY'S tenants and servants on the Balmoral Estates +assembled at Crathie, there is a funny misprint:-- + + "At this point (_i.e._ after HER MAJESTY'S reply to the Prince + of WALES'S address) the soldiers saluted and fired a _feu de + foie_." + +As refreshments were supplied by the QUEEN'S command immediately +afterwards, perhaps the guns had been loaded with "_foie gras_," tightly +compressed into cartridges. + +[Illustration] + + THE NEW NORTH-WEST PASSAGE. + + BRITANNIA. "NOW, FROM MY WESTERN CLIFFS THAT FRONT THE DEEP + TO WHERE THE WARM PACIFIC WATERS SWEEP + AROUND CATHAY AND OLD ZIPANGU'S SHORE, + MY COURSE IS CLEAR. WHAT CAN I WISH FOR MORE?" + + * * * * * + +SOME NOTES AT STARMOUTH. + +ETHEL DERING has not recognised me yet. Naturally she would not expect +to find me being photographed on the beach with such a crew as this--but +she _will_ in another instant, unless,--ah, LOUISE'S sunshade! my +presence of mind never _quite_ deserts me. There is a slit in the +silk--through which I can see ETHEL. As soon as she discovers what the +excitement is all about, she turns away.... Thank goodness, she is gone! +I have saved the situation--but ruined the group ... they are all +annoyed with me. I had really no idea LOUISE looked so plain when out of +temper! + +As we go back, ALF wants to know whether I noticed that "clipping girl." +He means ETHEL. LOUISE says, he "ought to know better than to ask me +such things, considering my situation." Agree with LOUISE. + +_Evening_. I am staying at home; _nominally_, to work at the Drama +(still in very elementary stage) _really_, to think out the situation. +Remember now the DERINGS have a yacht; they _may_ only have put in here +for a day or two--if not, can I avoid being seen by her sooner or later? +The mere idea of meeting _her_ when I am with ALF or PONKING, and my +Blazer acquaintances, makes me ill. (Not that I need distress myself, +for she would probably cut me!) Can't think in Mrs. SURGE'S little front +parlour. I must get out, into the air! Let me see, LOUISE and her Aunt +(and no doubt PONKING and ALF) will be at the Music Hall this evening, +as there is a "benefit" with the usual "galaxy of talent." If I keep +away from the sands (where I might see ETHEL), I shall be safe enough. + +[Illustration: "Why, he's a man of whacks!" _Shakspeare_.] + +Turn into Public Gardens; nobody here just now, except a couple in +front, who seem to have quarrelled--at least the lady's voice sounds +displeased. Too dark to see, but as I come nearer--is it only my nervous +fancy that--? No, I can't be mistaken, that _is_ ETHEL speaking now! +"Why will you persist in speaking to me?" she is saying, "I don't know +you--have the goodness to go away at once." Some impudent scoundrel is +annoying her! Didn't know anything could make me so angry. I don't stop +to think--before I know where I am, I have knocked the fellow down ... +he can't be more surprised than _I_ am! It is all very well--but what is +to become of me when he _gets up again?_ He is sure to make a row, and I +can't go _on_ knocking him down! Must get ETHEL away first, should not +like to be pounded into shapelessness before her eyes. "Miss DERING," I +say, "you--you had better go on--leave him to me," (it will probably be +the other way, though!) "Mr. CONEY!" she cries. "Oh, I am so glad!--but +don't hurt him any more--_please_." He is getting up, as well as I can +make out in the darkness, I am not _likely_ to hurt him any more ... I +wish he would begin, this suspense is very trying. He _has_ begun--to +weep bitterly! Never was so surprised in my life; he is too much upset +even to swear, simply sits in the gutter boohooing. If he knew how +grateful I am to him! However, I tell him sternly to "think himself +lucky it is no worse," and leave him to recover. + +Must see ETHEL safe home after this. She and her father _did_ come in +the yacht--they are at the Royal Hotel, and she missed her way and her +maid somehow, trying to find a Circulating Library. She really seems +pleased to meet me. It is not an original remark--but _what_ a delight +it is to listen to the clear fresh tones of a well-bred girl--not that +ETHEL's voice is anything to me _now!_ She "can't imagine what I find to +do in Starmouth,"--then she did _not_ recognise me this afternoon, which +is some comfort! I should like to tell her all, but it would be rather +uncalled-for just now, perhaps. We talk on general matters, as we used +to do. Singular how one can throw off one's troubles for the time--I am +actually _gay!_ I can make _her_ laugh, and what a pretty rippling laugh +she has! We have reached the Hotel--_already!_ + +[Illustration: "So many guests invite as here are writ."--_Shakspeare_.] + +Now I am here, it would be rude not to go in and see old DERING. I do. +He is most cordial. Am I alone down here? Critical, this. After all, I +_am_ alone--in my lodgings. "Then I must come to luncheon on board the +_Amaryllis_ to-morrow." ETHEL (I _must_ get into the way of thinking of +her as "Miss DERING") looks as if she expects me to accept. I had better +go, and find an opportunity of telling her about LOUISE--who knows--they +might become bosom friends. No, hang it, _that's_ out of the question! + +The DERINGS' private room opens on to the Esplanade; old DERING comes to +the French windows, and calls out after me, "Don't forget. Lunch at two. +On board the _Amaryllis_--find her at the quay." "Thanks very much--I +_won't_ forget. Good-night!" "Good-night!" Someone is waiting for me +under a lamp. It is ALF, but I did not know him at first. "Why, where on +earth!"--I begin. He regards me reproachfully with his one efficient +eye, and I observe his nose is much swollen. Good heavens, I see it +all--I have knocked down my _future brother-in-law!_ Well, it serves him +right. + +He explains, sulkily; he meant no harm; never thought anyone would be +offended by being spoken to civil; _he_ never met girls like that before +(which is likely enough); and to think I should have treated him that +savage and brutal--it was _that_ upset him. Tell him I am sorry, but I +can't help it now. "Yes you can," he says, hoarsely. "You know this +girl--this Miss DERIN'," (he has followed us, it appears, and caught her +name)--"you don't ought to play dog in the manger _now_--I want you to +introduce me in a reg'lar way. I tell yer I'm down-right smitten." +Introduce _him_--to ETHEL! Never, not if I won the V.C. for it! "Then +you _look out!_" + +He has gone off growling--the cub! He will tell LOUISE. On second +thoughts, his own share in the business may prevent that--but it is +unfortunate. + +_Next Day_.--Have got leave of absence (without mentioning reason). I +believe I pleaded the Drama, as usual, and I _have_ jotted down a line +or two. Am dressing for luncheon--somehow I take longer than usual. +Ready at last; the coast is clear, I am a trifle early, but I can stroll +gently down to the quay.... Turn a corner, and come upon PONKING, with +LOUISE. Fancy both look rather confused, but they are delighted to see +me. "Was I going any where in particular?" "No--nowhere in particular." +"Then I'd better come along with them--they have dined early, and are +doing the lions." LOUISE makes such a point of it that I can't +refuse--must watch my chance, and slip off when I can. + +_Later_.--We have done an ancient gaol, the church, and a fishermen's +almshouse--and I have not seen my chance _yet_. PONKING determined to +see all he can for his money. LOUISE, more demonstrative than she has +been of late, clings to my arm. It is past two, but we are working our +way, slowly, towards the quay. PONKING suggests visit to Fisherring +Establishment. Now is my chance; say I won't go in--don't like +herrings--will wait outside. To my surprise, they actually meet me +half-way! "If you want to get back to your play-writing, old chap," says +PONKING (really not a bad fellow, PONKING!) "don't you mind _us_--we'll +take care of one another!" Just as deliverance is at hand, that infernal +ALF comes up from the quay, with an eye that is positively _iridescent!_ +"Oh, look at his poor eye!" cries LOUISE. I look--and I see that he +means "_being nasty_." He addresses me: "Why ain't you on board your +swell yacht, taking lunch along with that girl, eh?" he inquires. +Exclamations from LOUISE: "Girl? yacht? who? what?" and then--it all +comes out! + +[Illustration: Thrown over at a Watering-place.] + +Painful scene; fortunate there are so few looking on. LOUISE renounces +me for ever opposite the Town-hall. "She knew I was a muff, but she had +thought I was too much the gentleman to act deceitful!" PONKING is of +opinion I "haven't a gentlemanly action in me." So is ALF, who adds that +he "always felt somehow he could never make a pal of me." There is balm +in _that!_ + +Thank goodness, it is over! I am _free_--free to think of ETHEL as much +as I like! I see now what a wretched infatuation all this has been. I +can tell her about it some day--if I think it necessary. I am not sure I +_shall_ think it necessary--at all events, just yet. + +I am a little late, but I can apologise for that. Odd--but I can't find +the _Amaryllis_ anywhere! Ask. A seaman on a post says "There _was_ a +yacht he see being towed out 'bout 'arf an hour back--he didn't take no +partickler notice of her name." No doubt I mistook the moorings--better +ask at hotel, perhaps. I do. Waiter says if I am the gentleman by name +of CONEY, there are two notes for me in Coffee-Room. + +Open first--from Mr. DERING. + +"Regrets; unforeseen circumstances--compelled to sail at once, and give +up pleasure, &c." + +Second--from ETHEL; there is hope still--or would she write? + +[Illustration: A love-lorn Romeo ready for his Beer.] + +"Dear Mr. CONEY,--So sorry to go away without seeing you. You might have +told me of your engagement yourself, I think--I should have been so +interested. Your brother-in-law and his aunt thought it necessary to +call and inform us. We are delighted that you are having a pleasanter +time here than you gave us to understand last night. With best wishes +for all possible happiness," &c. + +So _that_ was ALF'S revenge--it was a good one! After that, I shake off +the sand of Starmouth--for ever! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A GOOD EXAMPLE. + +_John Bull (loq)._ "VERY KIND OF HER MAJESTY TO LET ME SEE HER JUBILEE +GIFTS; BUT I WONDER WHEN HER ADVISERS WILL ALLOW ME TO SEE MY OWN!"] + + * * * * * + +ECHOES FROM ST. JAMES'S PALACE. (JUBILEE DEPARTMENT.) + +_Crowd discovered besieging entrance to Staircase. Policeman examines +bags for concealed Dynamite._ + +_Loyal Old Lady (presenting reticule for inspection)._ Which there's +nothing in it but a few cough-drops. + +_Policeman (exercising a very wise discretion)._ Pass on, Mother! + +ON THE STAIRS. + +_'Arry (to Halfred--taxing his memory)._ I dunno as I was ever 'ere +before--was _you?_ + +_Halfred (conscientiously)._ Not to remember. + +_A Deliberate Old Gentleman, full of suppressed general information (to +his two boys)._ Now, the great thing is not to hurry--we shall find much +deserving of careful study here. + [_Faces of boys lengthen perceptibly._ + +_An Aunt (to Niece)._ You'd better go first, ELIZA; then you can read it +all out to me as we go along. + +_Confused Murmurs_--"Where's Grandma?"--"It _is_ ridiklous to go pushing +like that!"--"Well, the Pit's a joke to this!" &c., &c. + +IN THE STATE APARTMENTS. + +_Delib. O. G._ This, boys, is the ante-room, and here, you see, is a +trophy presented by the Maha---- + [_Puts on glasses, to inspect label._ + +_Policeman (loudly)._ Now then, Sir, don't block the way, please,--keep +moving! + [_O. G. moves on, under protest, to secret relief of boys._ + +_The Aunt (examining pair of Elephant Tusks set in carved Buffalo's +Head)._ They may call them "tusks" if they like, ELIZA,--but anyone can +see they're horns. They belong to one of them "Cow-Elephants," depend +upon it! + [_Peers anxiously about in vain attempt to discover it._ + +_Loyal Old Lady._ There's nothing here but these caskets. I thought +they'd the Jubilee Cake on view! + +_Visitor (in state of general gratification)._ Ha! they've given her +some nice things among 'em, I must say. There, you see,--an +arm-chair,--always come in useful, they do! + +_Female V._ JANE, come here, quick! (_They gaze reverentially on carved +chest full of slippers._) That's what I call a _nice_ present, +now,--but, if they were mine, I should unpick all that raised embroidery +inside the soles before ever I put 'em on! + +_Jane._ Well, I suppose she wouldn't only wear them when she's in +_state_. + +_Policeman._ Now, Ladies, please don't linger! Pass along, there! + +_The Well-informed Old G._ You see this device, formed of green and +yellow feathers, boys. Well, these feathers come from---- + +_Policeman (as before)._ Don't stop the way, Sir, please! + +_Old G. (hanging on obstinately to barrier)_----The Sandwich Islands, +and are worn exclusively by--(_is swept on by crowd, and wedged tightly +against case containing samples of woollen products--boys dive under red +cord, and escape_). + +_Two Ladies (from the country)._ Those Policemen is like so many +parrots, with their "Keep moving;" they don't give you time for a good +look! _That's_ a handsome pair of jugs the Crown Prince and Princess +give her, a little like the pair old Mr. SPUDDER won with his Shorthorns +at the Show, don't you think? Only more elaborate, p'raps. Tell me if +you can see the Cake anywhere, my dear. I don't want to go away, and not +see _that!_ + +_Intelligent Visitor._ That's a curious thing, now. Look at that label, +"Presented by----" and the name left blank! + +_A Jocular Visitor (seeing an opportunity)._ Too bad, MARIA! I'm sure we +wrote our names plainly enough! + +[_Sensation amongst bystanders, who regard the couple with respectful +interest._ + +_Maria (who considers this trifling with a serious subject)._ If I had +known you were going to be so _foolish_, GEORGE, I should not have come! + +[_Collapse of_ GEORGE. + +_A Practical Visitor._ Now, there's a neat idea--d'ye see? A crown, made +all out of tobaccer. There's some _sense_ in giving a thing like that! + +_The Jocular Visitor (reviving at sight of embroidered Child's Frock in +case)._ Pretty costume, that, eh, MARIA? But do you think HER GRACIOUS +MAJESTY will ever be able to _get it on?_ + +_Maria (horrified)._ I tell you what it is, GEORGE, if you go on making +these stupid jokes, you will get us both turned out--if not _worse!_ I'm +sure that Policeman heard! + +_Loyal Old Lady._ They've given her scent, and little brass-nailed +boots, and cotton reels enough to set her up for life. But there, she +deserves it all, bless her! + +_Party of Philistines (to one another.)_ You don't want to go in +there--there's only a lot of water-colours presented by the British +Institute. Let's see if we can find the Jubilee Cake! + +FINAL TABLEAU.--AT THE GENERAL EXIT. + +_Crush of enthusiastic Britons, gazing at a gigantic ornament from the +Jubilee Cake. Various exclamations._ "All of it pure sugar, I shouldn't +wonder!"--"What do you think of _that_ for a cake, JEMMY?"--"Lift JOEY +up to have a look!"--"Well, I do call that grand!" + +_Loyal Old Lady (forcing her way to the front--disappointedly)._ But +that's only the _trimmings!_ + +_A Bystander (correctively)._ You can't expect any Cake to keep long, +with so many in the family; and, even as it is, you get some ideer what +it must have been! + +_All (deeply impressed)._ Ah, you do, indeed--you get that! Well, I'm +glad I came; I shan't forget this as long as I live! + +[_Exeunt awestruck--their places are taken by others, who gaze long and +respectfully on the Cake. Scene closes in._ + + * * * * * + +BOB SAWYER REDIVIVUS. + +(_At the Middlesex Hospital._) + +Just been given what the newspapers call "the privileges and status of a +true Collegian,"--in other words find I'm no longer to be allowed to +live in the jolly old free-and-easy way, in one's own diggings, but am +to be boxed up inside the Hospital instead! Hang the Authorities! Should +like to cup them all. + +Anyhow, got a decent room: can show it off to visitors. Visit from +Oxbridge friend. Seems surprised at smallness of my apartment. Says it's +"not _his_ idea of living in College: more like living in _Quad_," he +adds, humorously. "Do I really mean to say," he asks, "that I am to +sleep in same room I live in, with only a curtain between?" Have to +confess such is the intention of the architect. He says, "if he was me, +he'd complain to the Dean." Don't like to show ignorance--so don't ask +him if he means Dean of WESTMINSTER or ST. PAUL'S. Oxbridge friend +declines my invitation to "dine in Hall," and disappears. + +Ah! They've given us a Smoking-room, anyhow. Is it a smoking-room? No--a +"Library and Reading-room." Disgusting! Ring for brandy-and-soda. Nobody +answers the bell! It seems the "Collegiate servants" go out of College +between meals. Nothing to do, so amuse myself for an hour in +Dissecting-room. Pine for freedom. Go to entrance and am stopped by +Porter. Porter says, "Gentlemen not allowed to leave Hospital after dark +without leave of House Surgeon." Tell Porter I'm a child of nature, and +that I want to visit a dying relative. Porter incredulous--proposes +sending one of the resident Physicians instead. No, thanks! Retire to +room and think of old rollicking days. Nothing to do. Wonder if Porter +would let me bleed him. No, perhaps he's not in the vein. + +_Hall Dinner._--Hate dining in common--reminds one of the Zoo. Student +next to me very sloppy. Brings a bone in with him, and puts it on table, +studying it between courses. Tell him, pleasantly, it'll be a bone of +contention if he does not remove it. He doesn't understand. Replies, +quite seriously, that it's the "_os humeri_." + +_After Dinner._--Tedious. Just the time when the "Lion Comique" is +"coming on" at the Parthenon Music Hall. And I can't get out to hear +him! + +_Later._--Had jolly spree, after all--also after Hall. Tied new curtains +together and let myself down into street, amid yells of large crowd. +Rather damaged right scapula, but can't be helped. Went to Gaiety; jolly +supper, met Ben Allen and a lot of chappies, who are at Bart's and +haven't any of these ridiculous Collegiate regulations, and had high old +time. How to get back, though? Ay, "there's the rub,"--worse than +rubbing scapula, too. + +Boldest plan best. Rap Porter up. Porter surprised to see me. Says it's +"past one o'clock," and wants to know how I got out. Tell him I'm a +child of nature, and if he reports me to House Surgeon I shall certainly +cup him to-morrow. Porter asserts, quite untruly, that I am intoxicated. + +_Next Day._--Authorities have heard how I escaped from Hospital last +night. Also Porter--the idiot!--has complained that he goes in fear of +his life because of my threats. On the whole, Hospital Authorities come +to conclusion to ask me to leave, as "they think I am not fitted for +Collegiate life," and I quite agree with them. Pack up, and pack off. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "UNCO GUID!" + +_Southerner (in Glasgow, to Friend)._ "BY THE WAY, DO YOU KNOW MCSCREW?" + +_Northerner._ "KEN MCSCREW? Oo' FINE! A GRAUND MAN, MCSCREW! KEEPS THE +SAWBATH,--AN' EVERYTHING ELSE HE CAN LAY HIS HANDS ON!"] + + * * * * * + +QUITE A LITTLE HOLIDAY.--The unfortunate Vacation Judge this year has +been detained at Court or Chambers five times a week instead of (as in +the olden days) thrice a fortnight. He must appreciate the meaning of +"getting his head into Chancery"--and his wig too! + + * * * * * + +THE TWO GOATS. + +AN OLD FABLE WITH A NEW APPLICATION. + +(_For the benefit of Bolton._) + +Two bellicose goats once encountered each other in the middle of a +narrow bridge spanning a deep gulf and a raging torrent. To pass each +other seemed (to them) impossible, at least without much more careful +and courteous mutual self-adjustment than either was at all disposed +for. For one or the other to make way by temporarily backing, was, of +course--to bellicose goats--entirely out of the question. The only +alternative was clearly a butting-match. + +[Illustration] + +Our angry goats entered upon it with great gusto. Heads hotly +encountered, horns angrily collided. The harder the hits the less did +either feel disposed to give way. + +But a narrow bridge over a deep gulf is a bad place for a battle _a +outrance_. The infuriated animals quickly settled the point at issue, in +a way as final as unpleasant, by butting each other over into the gulf, +leaving the disputed path clear for the passage of creatures more +conciliatory and less cantankerous. + +APPLICATION. + +Two objects cannot occupy the same space--even in Bolton. Battles upon +bridges--even iron bridges--are bad things. A quarrel between two +parties--even if they represent Capital and Labour--cannot be regarded +as satisfactorily settled by the destruction of both--unless they are +thieves, or Kilkenny cats. It is much easier to get into a gulf--even +the gulf of Bankruptcy--than out of it. To parties expiring at the +bottom of a gulf, into which they have hurled each other, it is small +consolation to see more peaceful persons--though they be +foreigners--making better use of the bridge which might have carried +them both safely over. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_A Collection of Thackeray's Letters_ (1847 to 1855. SMITH & ELDER).--It +must have cost Mrs. BROOKFIELD a good deal of mental anxiety before she +decided upon giving publicity to this correspondence. But she has +undoubtedly done well and wisely, as everybody interested in the +personal THACKERAY, outside and away from his works, will gratefully +acknowledge. THACKERAY was always fond of alluding to himself as the +Showman with the puppets, or portraying himself as taking off the +cap-and-bells when, from behind the grinning mask, peep out the sad eyes +and the rueful countenance. Now in these Letters we are sometimes +admitted behind the scenes, as, for instance, when he is just going to +work; but, as a rule, we see him in his leisure, out for a holiday, +amusing himself and others, and enjoying himself like an overgrown +schoolboy full of fun and frolic, not a bit of a cynic, and there are no +sad eyes and rueful countenance when the mask is off. The peculiar charm +of these Letters is that they are so evidently private; there is nothing +of the _poseur_ about them. They were never intended to be addressed +_urbi et orbi_. + +One favourite style of amusing himself in writing he had, which, by the +way, rather calls to mind the way _Mr. Peter Magnus_ had of amusing his +friends, and that was mis-spelling, and spelling in Cockney fashion. How +he must have revelled in writing _Jeames's Diary!_ The burlesque element +of humour was irrepressible in THACKERAY, and found vent through pen and +pencil. Nearly all his sketches, with remarkable exceptions, are, more +or less, grotesque. Many of his Vignettes, with which he illustrated his +novels, cannot fail to suggest a kind of Dicky-Doyleian humour. Two +characteristics of the man are brought out strongly in these letters; +first, his humility as regards his own work (he was proud in other +matters), and, secondly, his generosity as exhibited in his unaffected +admiration for the work of CHARLES DICKENS. + +Occasionally we catch a glimpse of his religious tendencies, which are +at one time influenced by J. H. NEWMAN, at another by J. S. MILL; and it +is interesting to read his _naive_ utterances about Scripture, showing +that whatever lectures he may have attended at Cambridge, those on +Divinity, or on the Greek Testament, could not have been among them. And +this indeed is highly probable. His kindness of heart is evident +throughout. His laughing at himself as a Snob when affecting the company +of great people is delightful, though there seems to be in this +self-ridicule something of the true word spoken in jest. He makes a +burlesque flourish--so like him--about sending in "his resignation" to +_Mr. Punch_. As a matter of fact, he remained an honorary member of _Mr. +Punch's_ Cabinet Council, and retained his seat at _Mr. Punch's_ table, +up to the time of his death. The present writer remembers WILLIAM +MAKEPEACE THACKERAY being frequently present in _Mr. Punch's_ Council +Chamber, _Consule Marco_. A most interesting, amusing, and instructive +book, especially to literary men--(some novelists must be delighted at +finding THACKERAY reading over the previous portions of his own serial +in order to recall the names of his characters, and his frantic joy at +hitting on the title of _Vanity Fair_)--is this collection of +THACKERAY'S Letters. To Mrs. BROOKFIELD our heartiest thanks are due. + +_Like and Unlike_. By Miss BRADDON. Everybody who cares about a novel +with a good plot so well worked out that the excitement is kept up +through the three volumes and culminates with the last chapter of the +story, must "Like" and can never again "Unlike," this the latest and +certainly one of the best of Miss BRADDON'S novels. Miss BRADDON is our +most dramatic novelist. Her method is to interest the reader at once +with the very first line, just as that Master-Dramatist of our time DION +BOUCICAULT would rivet the attention of an audience by the action at the +opening of the piece, even before a line of the dialogue had been +spoken. This authoress never wastes her own time and that of her reader, +by giving up any number of pages at the outset to a minute description +of scenery, to a history of a certain family, to a wearisome account of +the habits and customs of the natives, or to explaining peculiarities in +manners and dialect which are to form one of the principal charms of the +story. No: Miss BRADDON is dramatic just as far as the drama can assist +her, and then she is the genuine novelist. A few touches present her +characters living before the reader, and the story easily developes +itself in, apparently, the most natural manner possible. _Like and +Unlike_ will make many people late for dinner, and will keep a number of +persons up at night when they ought to be soundly sleeping. These are +two sure tests of a really well-told sensational novel. _Vive_ Miss +BRADDON! + + YOUR OWN BOOK-WORM. + + * * * * * + +A LICHFIELD HOUSE OF CALL. + +Shade of BOSWELL, awake, arise! Know that the Lord Mayor of Lichfield, +Mr. A. C. BAXTER, has announced in the _Times_ that the house Dr. JOHNSON +was born in is put up for sale by auction on the 20th inst. Now, then, +is the time for a big brewer who would like to get bigger, or any +licensed victualler, with command of a moderate capital, to invest it in +the purchase of the premises in which the great Lexicographer and +Moralist first saw the light, and in the conversion of them into a +public-house, to be called and known by the sign and name of "The +Johnson's Head." A likeness of Dr. JOHNSON, copied by a competent Artist +from the best of Sir JOSHUA REYNOLDS'S portraits, and mounted on the +signboard, would be sure to attract multitudes of respectable people, +and others, besides forming a decoration of the tavern at Lichfield, and +an ornament to that town. A pub. associated with one of the highest +names in literature could hardly fail to be frequented by numerous +bookmakers. The memory of Dr. JOHNSON might, however, be honoured by the +preservation of his home for what many may consider a nobler purpose +than that of a liquor-shop; and those who are of that opinion should +look sharp and secure his birthplace by coming forward, and taking care +that, when under the hammer, it shall be knocked down on their own +account to the highest bidder. "The man who could make a pun would pick +a pocket;" true, but he might prefer putting his hand in his own to +commemorate the name of the great SAMUEL, by helping to stand Sam. + + * * * * * + +FAVOURITE SEASONING AT THE GUILDHALL BANQUET ON THE 9TH OF +NOVEMBER.--_Sauce a la Maitre d'Hotel_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + +------------------------------------- +Transcriber's notes: + +P. 179. changed shoppy to sloppy. + +p. 180. 'developes' (sic): probably not an error. +"and the story easily developes itself" + +------------------------------------- + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +93, October 15th 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 36187.txt or 36187.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/1/8/36187/ + +Produced by Jane Robins, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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