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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch On Tour, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch On Tour
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: Various
+
+Release Date: May 20, 2011 [EBook #36177]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH ON TOUR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  MR PUNCH ON TOUR.
+
+  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR.
+
+  Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON.
+
+Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
+cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
+draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its
+beginning in 1841 to the present day.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. AND MRS. JONES'S WALKING TOUR.--(_At the Shakspeare
+Hotel_). _Voice from the office_: "Porter, take this lady and gentleman
+to the Romeo and Juliet room."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+
+THE HUMOUR OF TRAVEL AT HOME AND ABROAD
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DEPICTED BY
+
+PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL, BERNARD
+PARTRIDGE, F. H. TOWNSEND, DUDLEY HARDY, REGINALD CLEAVER, GORDON
+BROWNE, LEWIS BAUMER, G. D. ARMOUR, A. WALLIS MILLS, LANCE THACKERAY,
+AND OTHERS
+
+_WITH 153 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HUMOUR OF TRAVEL
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There is nothing insular about MR. PUNCH. Judging by his features,
+familiar though these be and long as they have been typical of English
+humour, he is not without some trace of foreign origin. Indeed, we fancy
+that were a very searching enquiry to be made into his ancestry we might
+find he had a far-off forebear who was, let us say, Italian! Perhaps we
+have here the explanation of his breadth of mind and wide sympathy
+which, however deeply rooted in the good soil of old England, are by no
+means absolutely delimited by our coast line.
+
+It is thus that we find him consistently the best of travelling
+companions, for there is none he is more ready to castigate with the
+whip of his satire than the insular Englishman abroad. This is as it
+should be, and in these days of the _entente cordiale_ especially, when
+the inducements to Continental travel are steadily increasing, all
+patriotic Englishmen are anxious that their fellow-countrymen should
+give as good an account of themselves as possible when visiting the fair
+lands of our friends across the silver streak.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MR. PUNCH, while always ready to stand for English ideals of right and
+fair-dealing, has equally endeavoured throughout his long career to show
+that all the good manners of Europe are not to be found on the
+Continent. But above all, wherever he goes, let his travels be within
+those green isles where he reigns as king of fun or as far afield as the
+land of the Sphinx, he diffuses that good humour which is the essential
+characteristic of the Englishman and adds so much to the joy of life.
+The present collection, illustrative of the humours of travel at home
+and abroad, certainly does not bear out the ancient criticism as to the
+English taking their pleasures sadly. Like many another book in this
+same library it proves rather that they take their misadventures
+joyously.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MRS. RAMSBOTHAM IN ROME.--When Mrs. R. was in Rome she insisted on the
+guide taking her and her party to see the Papal Bulls of which she had
+always heard so much. "I suppose," she said, "they're kept on some farm,
+and are exhibited for prizes just like the King's or the Prince of
+Wales'." The worthy lady added that she couldn't help laughing to think
+what a mistake she made in Holland when she was taken to see "Paul
+Potter's Bull," which turned out to be only a picture.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CURIOUS LANDSCAPE FEATURE OBSERVABLE AT MONTE CARLO IN THE EARLY
+SPRING.--Blue Rocks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HINTS TO TOURISTS
+
+If you are put with a friend in a double-bedded room, bear in mind that
+inside walls are only lath and plaster, and that every word you say will
+be heard in the next room. Therefore carry on your conversation at the
+tip-top of your voice, and make as much noise as you can in packing, and
+in splashing, and in stumping round your room.
+
+Always give to beggars who waylay you on the road, and if you know their
+language, accompany your gift with a little stagey speech to the effect
+that all we English have more money than we know how to spend, and it is
+our duty when we travel to succour the distressed. This will mightily
+encourage the impostors in their trade, and engender a great nuisance
+for tourists who are poorer or less foolish than yourself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHE MEANT NOTHING WRONG.--_Curate to American Visitor._ How do you like
+our church, Mrs. Golightly? It is very generally admired.
+
+_Mrs. Golightly._ Yes, it's very pretty, but if it only had a clock
+fitted on the tower, it would be _useful_ as well as ornamental.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TACTFUL SYMPATHY
+
+_Genial Friend._ "Hullo, old man, getting on all right?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Our artist, while staying in the country, thinks it would
+be a good opportunity for studying _calves_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Yachting Man._ "Well, I always said you were a plucky
+fellow, Splinter; but really, now, I did not give you credit----"
+
+_Splinter_ (_not displeased_). "How do you mean?"
+
+_Yachting Man._ "Why, with your spars, to put out in such a gale o' wind
+as this."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRAVELLERS' TALES
+
+_First Traveller_ (_in the smoking-room_). I think the most marvellous
+sight I ever saw was when I was crossing the Bight of Benin. You know
+the Bight?
+
+_Second Traveller._ Perfectly. Shot two sea-serpents there last year.
+
+_Third Traveller._ I landed hard by when I cycled across Africa.
+
+_First Traveller._ Well, it was there we sighted a man who had crossed
+from Buenos Ayres on a hen-coop, with a cotton umbrella for a sail,
+and----
+
+_Other Travellers_ (_jealously in chorus_). Oh! Come, I say!
+
+_Quiet Man_ (_in corner_). Oh, I'll vouch for the truth of the
+assertion.
+
+_First Traveller_ (_nettled_). How's that?
+
+_Quiet Man._ Why, _I_ was the man.
+
+    [_Company disperses._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEXT BEST THING TO THE PERSIAN LOCOMOTIVE CARPET OF EASTERN FABLE.--The
+"Travelling Rug" of Western fact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Brown, who has had a hard day sight-seeing, in Tunis,
+goes to a cafe for a quiet drink and rest. Result!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HAPPY HOLIDAY
+
+  Now I really do not care a
+  Hang about the Riviera,
+  In the daytime you've a gay time,
+    But the nights are very cold.
+  And for any kind of touring,
+  Which I used to find alluring,
+  I for biking had a liking,
+    But I now have grown too old.
+
+  Then the constant change of weather
+  To my thinking, altogether
+  Knocked the notion of an ocean
+    Trip completely on the head;
+  I've a horror, too, of "trippers,"
+  'Arrys, 'Arriets, and "nippers,"
+  So a jolly quiet holi-
+    Day I spent at home in bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NO DIFFERENCE.--_English Customer_ (_to Manager of restaurant_). I see,
+Signor Maraschino, that the American gentleman and his wife who have
+just left drank nothing but water with their dinner. Does that make much
+difference in their bill?
+
+_Signor Maraschino._ Noting, sir. They pay same as yourself and lady,
+who 'ave champagne. Oderwise 'ow should we live?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE GREAT LOAN LAND."--Russia.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT DID MR. PUNCH DO IN THE EASTER RECESS?--Volunteer
+review! Not a bit of it! He just popped over, and had a few days of
+delightful _dolce far niente_ at Venice.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Papa, Maman, et Bebe s'en vont a la peche aux crevettes.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FIN DE LA SAISON.--(_At a Cercle Anglais. "Le Fiv'
+o'clock," i.e., Afternoon Tea._)
+
+_Britisher._ "_Coming to the ball to-night, Count?_"
+
+_Monsieur le Comte._ "Moi, mon cher? Ah, non. I am tired. I have the
+ache everywhere. I have play the football!"
+
+_Britisher._ "Good! What?--Forward, half-back?"
+
+_Monsieur le Comte._ "Forward! Half-back! Par exemple, I am
+'Arbitre'--how you say it?--Referee!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPRESSIONS FROM ABROAD
+
+(_By Our Susceptible Subscriber_)
+
+Impressions on my hat after going down the salt mine at Berchtesgaden.
+
+Impressions on my alpenstock after looking at the Alpine Peaks from
+below with an opera-glass.
+
+Impressions on my nose and forehead by the mosquitoes, when I would be
+poetical and stay all the evening on the Rialto at Venice.
+
+Impressions on my ears by the bad language of my guide, when I refused
+to pay for the echoes awakened on the Rhine by an ancient howitzer.
+
+Impressions on my heart by memories of that pretty little Frenchwoman I
+travelled with from Turin.
+
+Impressions on my feet by her sweet little _bottines_.
+
+Impression on my mind, after Mrs. P. detected those _bottines_ too near
+my boots, that it would be better not to be so susceptible another time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THOUGHT BY A TOURIST.--Too many Cook's Excursionists spoil the _table
+d'hote_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION
+
+_Customs Official._ "Have you anything to declare?"
+
+_Absent-minded Traveller_ (_Bridge-player, just catching last word_).
+"Oh, leave it to you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:: INTERNATIONAL COMPARISONS
+
+_Henri Dubois_ (_who can speak English_) _to his friend 'Arry Smith_
+(_who can't_). "Pardon me, mon ami! You are very pretty boy, you dress
+in ze most perfect 'chic'; but vy do you speak your own language so
+ungrammaticalle?"
+
+'_Arry._ "Why do I speak my hown langwidge so hungrammatical? 'Ang it,
+yer down't suppowse as I were hedgerkited at Heton or 'Arrow like a
+bloomin' swell, do yer?"
+
+_Henri._ "Voyez donc ca! Now in France zere is no Eton, no Harrow: all
+ze public schools are ze same, and ze butcher and baker's little boys go
+zere, and ze little candlestick-makers, and ze little boys of ze
+merchants of cheese like you and me!"
+
+'_Arry._ "Come, I s'y, Walker, yer know! And where do their customers'
+little boys go?"
+
+_Henri._ "Parbleu! Zey go zere too!!"
+
+    ['_Arry, suddenly conscious of his deficiencies, feels
+    bitterly towards his country._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES"
+
+_Old Gentleman._ "Are you certain that these life-belts are cork, and
+not half sawdust?"
+
+_Storeman._ "They are the best quality. We have sold hundreds, and never
+had a complaint!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAPPY GEOGRAPHICAL THOUGHT (_when crossing the Channel in exceptionally
+rough weather_).--"Oh dear! What a pity that the sea everywhere can't be
+the Pacific Ocean!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE TRAVELLERS' CLUB."--An alpenstock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FOREIGN HOTELS.--"WHAT!--NO SOAP!"--"Oh--er--juste
+regardez ici, mademoiselle! Vous nous avez charge pour le _savon_--et
+nous ne l'avons pas _use_, vous savez, car----"
+
+"Oh, mamma! How _can_ you!"
+
+    [_Poor things! they had brought their own._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LAST THING OUT.--Sensation created every morning at
+Crevetteville-sur-Mer by Colonel F---- (of the Guards) and the lovely
+Lady Magnolia D----.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION.--_Ducal Butler_ (_showing art
+treasures of Stilton Castle_). "The three Graces--after Canova!"
+
+_Mrs Ramsbotham._ "How interesting! And pray, which is the _present_
+Duchess?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Her Husband_ (_going on the Continent_). "Look here,
+Arabella, from now you and I will speak nothing but French."
+
+_Arabella._ "_Oui._"
+
+_Her Husband._ "What did you say?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EASIER SAID THAN DONE"
+
+_Stout Traveller_ (_in the Eastern Counties_). "My lad--which is
+the--quickest way--for me to get to the station?"
+
+_Street Arab._ "Wh' run bo'! 'th' else yeow'll sartain'y lewse th'
+tr'ine! There goo th' bell!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DESPAIR!
+
+Brown has locked his portmanteau with one of those letter padlocks and
+forgotten the word that opens it.
+
+    [_Only ten minutes to dinner!_
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VIATOR'S VADE MECUM
+
+(_Or Compendious Weather-Guide for the British Tourist_)
+
+  When the wind is in the North,
+  Gingham take if you go forth.
+  If to Eastward veer the wind,
+  Gingham do not leave behind.
+  If to West the wind should tend,
+  Gingham is your surest friend.
+  If it seek the South, of course,
+  Gingham is your sole resource.
+  Intermediate points demand
+  Gingham constantly in hand.
+  If there be no wind at all,
+  Gingham take, for rain will fall.
+  At all other times, no doubt,
+  Gingham you may do without,
+  Yet e'en then an hour may bring 'em,--
+  Showers I mean,--so take your Gingham!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_English Tourist_ (_in the far North, miles from anywhere_). "Do you
+mean to say that you and your family live here all the winter? Why, what
+do you do when any of you are ill? You can never get a doctor!"
+
+_Scotch Shepherd._ "Nae, sir. We've just to dee a natural death!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The_ PLACE IN HOT WEATHER.--Lazistan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WATER CURE
+
+_Young Lady._ "So you've been on the Continent, Professor?"
+
+_The Professor._ "Yes, I've been to Marienbad, taking the baths, you
+know."
+
+_Young Lady._ "Really? That _was_ a change for you, wasn't it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Oh! con-found these country looking-glasses, though!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HOT WEATHER
+
+_Traveller_ (_bedtime, thermometer 100 deg.!_). "Waiter, go' sh'ch a thing
+as a warmin'-pan?"
+
+_Waiter_ (_astounded_). "A warming-pan, sir!"
+
+_Traveller._ "And got any ice?"
+
+_Waiter._ "Ice, sir? Yessir!"
+
+_Traveller._ "Then tell 'chamb'maid to run a pan of ice through my bed,
+and let me have my candle. I'll turn in!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_An Indian Station, on the eve of a Fancy
+Ball._--_Globe-trotting "Bounder"_ (_newly arrived_). "You're running
+this ball, ain't you? Is fancy dress _de rigueur_?"
+
+_Choleric Colonel_ (_who is Ball Secretary_). "Fancy dress, sir, is not
+_de rigueur_, but an invitation _is_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UP COUNTRY JOYS IN INDIA.--_The Mem Sahib_ (_with a view
+to seasonable festivities_). "I wonder if you have got such a thing as
+lemon peel or candied peel in your shop?"
+
+_"Europe Shop" Keeper._ "Ah, no, Mem Sahib. Onlee got it 'cockle' peel
+and 'beesham' peel!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLERS' PROTECTION LEAGUE
+
+The T. P. L. commenced operations last week with regard to the
+unpunctuality of certain railway companies, and should be encouraged to
+go a little farther. We want protection against:--
+
+1. Passengers who try to keep us out of carriages by fictitiously
+placing hats and wraps on more seats or corners than they will
+themselves occupy.
+
+2. Passengers who endeavour to enter carriages when we have fictitiously
+placed hats and wraps on more seats or corners than we shall ourselves
+occupy.
+
+3. People who smoke bad tobacco in compartments where there are ladies.
+
+4. Ladies who ride in compartments where we smoke bad tobacco.
+
+5. Parties who insist upon having the window open when we wish it shut.
+
+6. Parties who insist upon having the window shut when we wish it open.
+
+7. Persons who try to squeeze in when our carriage is full.
+
+8. Persons who try to keep us out when their carriage is full.
+
+9. Objectionable babies.
+
+10. Objectors to babies.
+
+And a job lot of grievances, viz.:--
+
+11. The British landscape, now consisting of pill advertisements.
+
+12. Clapham Junction.
+
+13. Bank Holiday traffic and excursionists, racing and football crowds.
+
+14. The weather.
+
+15. Nasty smelling smoke.
+
+16. Irritatingly uncertain lamps.
+
+17. The increase in the income-tax.
+
+18. The cussedness of things in general.
+
+19. And, lastly, the Billion Dollar Trust.
+
+If the T. P. L. will abate or abolish any or all of these nuisances we
+shall be very greatly obliged.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TIGHT FIT
+
+_Chorus of Girls_ (_to popular party on bank_). "Oh, do come with us,
+there's _plenty_ of room!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAMSBOTHAM was asked if she liked yachting, and she replied that
+she preferred _terra-cotta_. She probably meant _terra-firma_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"
+
+When, after lunching sumptuously at a strange hotel in a strange part of
+the country, it suddenly occurs to him that he has left his purse, with
+all his money in it, in the mail train going North.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT MUNICH.--_Mr. Joddletop_ (_to travelling companion at Bierhalle_).
+What they call this larger beer for I'm blessed if I know! Why, it's
+thinner than what I drink at home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S COUNTRY RAMBLES
+
+(_With acknowledgments to the "Daily Chronicle"_)
+
+A memorable afternoon may be spent by taking the train to Muggleton, and
+walking from there by way of Mudford, Sloppington,
+Stickborough-in-the-Marsh, Drencham, St. Swithuns, and Swillingspout to
+Poddleton-on-the-Slosh. The whole district is full of memories of the
+great Hodge family (before it migrated into the towns). Quite a number
+of mute, inglorious Miltons are buried in Poddleton churchyard, but a
+few people may still be seen in the market-place on Saturdays.
+
+_Route of Ramble._--Alighting at Muggleton Station (too much
+reliance should not be placed upon the elocution of the local
+railway porter) leave the refreshment room resolutely on the left
+(as you will need to keep your intelligence clear), and proceed in a
+north-north-east-half-northerly direction along a winding lane, until
+Mudford Beacon appears in the rear. Then turn back across six meadows
+and a ploughed field, following alternately the bed of a stream and the
+right bank of the canal until Sloppington is reached. From there follow
+the boundary line between the counties of Mudshire and Slopshire as far
+as Stickborough: from two to seven miles further on (according to the
+best local computation) lies Drencham, where is a remarkable pump.
+Leaving this landmark south-west-by-west, veer sharply to the left
+twice, and pursue a zig-zag course. If, at the twenty-second field, you
+are not within easy reach of Swillingspout it will be because you are
+incapable of following this brief chronicle. From the last-named place
+the nearest way to Poddleton is through the railway tunnel. It is not
+public, but persons have sometimes succeeded in getting through.
+Poddleton is nine miles from a station, but an omnibus walks the
+distance occasionally, when the horse is not required for funerals or
+other purposes.
+
+_Length of Ramble._--Doubtful. Has only been done in sections.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISS-GUIDED FOLKS IN PARIS.--Evidently those who are personally
+conducted by "Lady Guides."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BY THE CARD"
+
+_Pedestrian._ "How far is it to Sludgecombe, boy?"
+
+_Boy._ "Why, 'bout twenty 'underd theausan' mild 'f y' goo 's y'are
+agooin' now, an' 'bout half a mild 'f you turn right reaound an' goo
+t'other way!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Traveller._ "Can you direct me to Hollow Meadows?"
+
+_Hodge_ (_who stutters frightfully_). "Ye-ye-ye-yes. You t-t-t-t-take
+the f-f-f-first t-t-t-t-turning on th-the right, and ku-ku-ku-keep
+straight on ower th' b-b-b-brig. Bu-bub-bub-but you'd bub-bub-bub-better
+be gu-gu-gu-gangin' on. You'll gu-gu-get there quicker th-th-th-than I
+can t-t-t-tell you!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUCH PLEASANTER FOR ALFRED
+
+_Constance_ (_adding the last straw_). "There, darling! I hope I've
+forgotten nothing. And oh, Alfred! how much, _much_ pleasanter to carry
+our things ourselves, and be alone together, than to have a horrid
+servant trotting behind us, and listening to every word we say!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOMETHING FROM THE PROVINCES
+
+_Excursionist_ (_politely_). "Can you kindly direct me the nearest way
+to Slagley?"
+
+_Powerful Navvy._ "Ah can poonch th' head o' thee!"
+
+    _[Excursionist retires hastily._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON THE COLONIAL TOUR
+
+_Famous Pianist._ "Himmel! how hot it is! I really think I might just
+have half an inch cut off--just round the nape of my neck you know. Just
+_thinned_ a little----"
+
+_His Agent._ "Out of the question, my boy. Remember clause seven in the
+agreement--'Your hair not to be cut till the last concert in Australia
+is over'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EVOLUTION EXTRAORDINARY
+
+_British Tourist_ (_who has been served with a pig's foot_). "What's
+this? I ordered quail!"
+
+_Negro Waiter._ "Wall--y'ev got quail!"
+
+_British Tourist._ "Quail! Why a quail's a bird!"
+
+_Negro Waiter._ "_Not here!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IDEAL HOLIDAY
+
+  Come, Phyllis, for the season is already on the wane,
+  And the question of our holiday perplexes once again;
+  Now every jaded Londoner fresh stores of vigour seeks,
+  Our problem is how best to pass these few and fleeting weeks.
+
+  As one by one each watering-place we call to mind in turn
+  As promptly some objection to each one we discern;
+  Thus Scarborough's too chilly, and Ilfracombe too hot,
+  And this too near, and that too dear, that sandy and this not.
+
+  The Alps are always overrun and crowded as Cheapside,
+  And the garlic-reeking South I own I never could abide;
+  The _Bads_--Aix, Vichy, Taunus, Homburg, Carlsbad, Neuenahr,
+  Are either vulgar, crowded, dull, expensive, or too far.
+
+  Oh, for some new and lone retreat, nor far away nor near,
+  With lovely sights to charm the eye, soft sounds to soothe the ear;
+  Where vexed and wearied spirits, such as yours and mine, might rest,
+  And find in life new purpose, in its joys unwonted zest;
+
+  Some Aidenn, some Elysium of rapturous delight,
+  Where peace should reign unbroken from the dawn to fall of night!
+  Yet since for the impossible in vain we yearn, 'tis clear,
+  It will end no doubt as usual, in "Good old Margate," dear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE _VALET_ OF THE NILE"
+
+Much talked about, but very seldom seen!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A railway from Joppa to Jerusalem" sounds like a Scriptural line. In
+future, "going to Jericho" will not imply social banishment, as the
+party sent thither will be able to take a return-ticket.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SO NICE AND SYMPATHETIC.--A gentleman, whose one glass eye had served
+him for years, had the misfortune to drop it. It smashed to atoms. This
+happened when he was far away in the country. He inquired of a friend
+where was the nearest place for him to go and get refitted.
+
+"Why don't you call upon the girl you were flirting with all last
+night?" his friend inquired. "She has a first-class reputation for making
+eyes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BALLOONERY.--"We went spinning through the air!" said an enthusiastic
+aeronaut, describing his recent trial trip.
+
+"Indeed!" observed his companion, meditatively. "Judging by your
+description it sounds as if you had been in an 'heir-loom' instead of an
+'air-ship.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT BRUSSELS.--_Mrs. Trickleby_ (_pointing to an announcement in grocer's
+window, and spelling it out_). _Jambon d'Yorck._ What's that mean, Mr.
+T.?
+
+_Mr. T_. (_who is by way of being a linguist_). Why, good Yorkshire
+preserves, of course. What did you suppose it was--Dundee marmalade?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CAUTION! THIS HILL IS DANGEROUS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO ABSENT FRIENDS.
+
+(_By a Fox without a Tail._)
+
+  Dear Brown and Jones and Robinson and many thousands more,
+  Now spending dismal holidays on some dank sea-girt shore,
+  You, who affect to pity those compelled in town to stay,
+  Should rather envy us, because we cannot get away.
+
+  While you are hiring tiny rooms at many pounds a week,
+  And huddle there and watch parades that run with rain, and reek,
+  Contrast my cheerful aspect with your discontented looks,
+  As here I stay at ease among my pictures and my books.
+
+  Here in the trains the traveller can now find ample space,
+  Enjoying elbow-room without a struggle for a place:
+  The choicest dishes are not "off" at half-past one to lunch,
+  And no one spoils our appetite with--"After you with _Punch_!"
+
+  The dainty shops of Regent Street teem with their treasures still,
+  The Park with all its beauties we can now enjoy at will;
+  No longer do the jostling crowds provoke an angry frown,
+  But leisurely we relish the amenities of town.
+
+  Thus basking in the keen delights that empty London owns
+  (Though from my heart I pity you--Brown, Robinson and Jones),
+  So long as you may care to stay, and business is slack,
+  I cannot honestly declare I long to see you back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRIPPERS
+
+_Tommy_ (_his first visit_). "Will it be like this all d-d-d-day
+daddy?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Billiard Enthusiast_ (_having mistaken his room at the
+hotel, holding on to knobs of bed_). "Which do you prefer, sir? Spot or
+plain?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When the chairman of a railway company speaks of "the diversion of
+traffic," may it be understood that "pleasure trips and excursions" are
+covered by this expression?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ENGLAND AND GERMANY
+
+_British Nimrod_ (_who has shot tigers in India, and lions in South
+Africa_). "The fact is, Herr Muller, that I don't care much for sport
+unless it contains the element of danger."
+
+_German Nimrod._ "Ach zo? you are vont of _taincher_? Den you should gom
+ant shood mit _me_! Vy, only de oder tay I shoodet my broder-in-law in
+de shdomag!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUTTING A NEW ACQUAINTANCE.--_Major Longi'th'Bow._ I met a Brahmin once
+with "John Smith, London," carved on his back. You see he was standing
+motionless in one of those pious trances which nothing is allowed to
+interrupt. In this state he was found by a cheap-tripper, who took him
+for a statue and cut his name as usual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT FLORENCE.--_First Tourist._ Hullo! Barkins, what brought you here?
+
+_Second Tourist_ (_facetiously_). The railway, of course. And you?
+
+_First Tourist_ (_getting mixed, but thinking he has his friend_). My
+wife's wish to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Gainsborough_--for greedy tradesmen; _Gnosall_--for
+wiseacres; _Gravesend_--for sextons; _Great Barr_--for constant topers;
+_Grind-on_--for crammers; _Halt-whistle_--for football umpires;
+_Hastings_--for wasps; _Hawkshead_--for falconers; _Honi-ton_--for busy
+bees; _Hoot-on_--for owls.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRY OF THE TRAVELLING SMOKER.--_En_ briar root!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SNUB FOR A SNOB
+
+_English Tourist._ "Aw--that buttermilk was very nice, my dear. What
+payment do you expect for it?"
+
+_Cottage Girl._ "We wouldn't be after asking any payment. Sure we _give_
+it to the pigs!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MISPLACED SYMPATHY
+
+(_The "Boots" at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of
+Australia, on seeing a pair of boot-trees for the first time._)
+
+"I say, Billy, that poor bloke in the bed-room must 'ave ad a terrible
+accident. He's got two wooden feet!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Mrs. Tripper_ (_examining official notice on the walls of Boulogne_).
+What's that mean, Tripper, "Pas de Calais"?
+
+_Tripper_ (_who is proud of his superior acquaintance with a foreign
+language_). It means--"Nothing to do with Calais," my dear. These rival
+ports are dreadfully jealous of one another.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS, &c.
+
+_Jones._ "I say, what's the exact meaning of 'voila'?"
+
+_Brown._ "Well, I should translate it as 'behold,' or 'there you are,'
+or something like that."
+
+_Jones._ "Confound it! I've been using it for the last month and
+thinking I've been swearing in French!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BASHAN, NEAR BARMOUTH
+
+The worst of Wales is, the wild beasts are so numerous and inquisitive.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GEOLOGY.--_Scientific Pedestrian._ "Do you find any
+fossils here?"
+
+_Excavator._ "Dunno what you calls 'vossuls.' We finds nowt here but
+muck and 'ard work!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MUSIC ON THE WATERS.--_Parker._ "Beg pardon, my lady, but
+the band can't play the selection your ladyship asked for."
+
+_Her Ladyship_ (_astonished_). "But it's in their programme!"
+
+_Parker._ "Yes, my lady, but they can't play it till we get into still
+water, and _then they'll try_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE COMFORTER.--"I say, old man, I've just been down in
+the saloon, and they give you the finest half-crown lunch I've ever
+struck!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A MOOT POINT.--_Mrs. Brown_ (_on her honeymoon_). "Oh,
+aren't you glad, darling, we have come this delightful tour, instead of
+going to one of those stupid foreign places?"
+
+    [_Darling is not quite sure about it, as the hills are of terrible
+    frequency, and, naturally, he tows his bride up every one._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BAD HABITS GROW APACE.--_Traveller_ (_whose train is
+due_). "Look here, I'm going to get out and walk. That brute will make
+me miss my train!"
+
+_Jarvey._ "Kape still, surr. For the love av' Moses, kape still. Sure
+an' if the ould blayguard bates us, I'll niver get him up to the station
+no more!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLERS TRICKED
+
+(_An a propos Duologue_)
+
+_She_ (_with resolution_). Charlie, I want to ask your pardon. I have
+made a mistake.
+
+_He._ Yes, dear; which of them?
+
+_She._ You shall not put me out by sneering. Yes, I have made a mistake;
+and when I make a mistake, I do not fail to acknowledge it.
+
+_He._ Quite right, dear. Nothing like having a congenial occupation.
+
+_She._ Charlie, we came back to town prematurely.
+
+_He._ Yes, dear; we certainly curtailed our stay in Paris a little to
+allow of your purchasing that pretty bonnet.
+
+_She._ It cost a lot of money, Charlie.
+
+_He._ It did, dear; but I did not grudge it, as you and the shop girl
+said it was of the first mode and the greatest novelty in Paris.
+
+_She._ Yes, Charlie; and I believed her.
+
+_He._ Well, I am sure that the three or four days we cut off were well
+worth it, to buy the bonnet.
+
+_She._ How good, how noble of you to say so!
+
+_He._ Not at all; I was really glad to get back to the club. And you
+have your bonnet--a real genuine French bonnet! And the most Parisian
+shape imaginable.
+
+_She_ (_with an effort_). The shape is not Parisian.
+
+_He._ Not Parisian! Where does it come from?
+
+_She._ I see from a ticket in the lining it was made in the Edgware
+Road.
+
+    [_Tears and curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT WINDSOR.--_American Traveller_ (_to Waiter at the "Blue Stag"_). Say,
+is it true that you've got a real live ghost here?
+
+_Waiter._ Yessir. Believed to be either Cardinal Garnet Wolseley, 'Erne
+the 'Untsman, Queen Elizabeth, or the late King of the Belgiums.
+
+_American Traveller._ Thanks. Send for the local reporter, if off duty
+in any one capacity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Ware-ham_--for abstainers from pork;
+_Whits-table_--for facetious gourmets; _Wig-more_--for bald men;
+_Wig-ton_--for perruquiers; _Winfarthing_--for small gamblers;
+_Wo-burn_--for firemen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOSE IN EGITTO; OR, AUTOMOBILITY IN THE LAND OF THE
+SPHINX.
+
+"One touch of _Punch_ makes the whole world kin."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A QUESTION OF PROPORTION.--_Colonel Peppercorn_ (_who is
+touring in France with a hired chauffeur and car, which has broken
+down_). "Confound it all, you say it's nothing? Then why don't you
+repair it?"
+
+_Alphonse Legros._ "Mais, monsieur, pas possible, he break below! I
+cannot arrive there! He is only quinze centimetres from ze ground; but
+me--voila--I have one metre round ze chest!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SKELETON TOURIST'S VADE MECUM
+
+_Question._ What is your object this year?
+
+_Answer._ To follow the precedent of former Summers, and get over as
+much ground as possible.
+
+_Q._ How do you manage this?
+
+_A._ With the assistance of a ticket guaranteed to make distance a
+greater consideration than scenery.
+
+_Q._ Is it necessary to examine the places _en route_ with much careful
+consideration?
+
+_A._ Certainly not, as the Guide-book of the place visited will supply
+the compulsory omissions.
+
+_Q._ What are compulsory omissions?
+
+_A._ Objects of interest left out for want of time to give them an
+inspection.
+
+_Q._ How long would you give St. Peter's at Rome?
+
+_A._ A quarter of an hour, and the Colosseum at the same place ten
+minutes.
+
+_Q._ Could you not spare more time than this from your holiday?
+
+_A._ No; for luncheon and dinner have to be taken into consideration in
+the touring table.
+
+_Q._ What object of interest would you examine in the Land of the
+Midnight Sun?
+
+_A._ The sun at midnight, if it happened to be shining.
+
+_Q._ And if you visited the Rhine by the railway, what object of
+interest would chiefly attract your attention?
+
+_A._ The interior of the compartment in which you happened to be
+travelling.
+
+_Q._ What advantage would you derive from your tour?
+
+_A._ The satisfaction of explaining to non-tourists where you had been
+rather than what you had seen.
+
+_Q._ Do you consider that your mind would derive much benefit from your
+rapid locomotion?
+
+_A._ Not much, nor my body either.
+
+_Q._ But I presume your outing would justify the title of this Vade
+Mecum?
+
+_A._ Most certainly; because, by the end of your journey, you might
+accurately describe your condition as one who had been reduced to a
+skeleton.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nervous Tourist._ "Stop, driver, stop! There's something
+wrong! I am sure a wheel's coming off!"
+
+_Driver._ "Arrah, be aisy then, yer honour. Sure, it's the same one's
+been comin' off thin these three days back!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: (_Sketched on the pier just after the arrival of the
+boat._)
+
+_'Arry_ (_viewing stormy sea in a mutoscope_). "My eye, Maria, come an'
+'ave a look 'ere. The motion of the waives is simply grand!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONTINENTAL TRIP.--_First Man_ (_tasting beer_).
+"Hullo! I ordered lager. This isn't lager!"
+
+_Second Man_ (_tasting_). "No; but it's jolly good, all the same!"
+
+_Third Man_ (_tasting_). "C'est magnifique! mais ce n'est pas
+lager-r-r!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON THE GRAND TOUR.--Scene--_Staircase of the Palazzo
+Bianco._--(_Enter the Joneses of London._) _Chorus of Maidens._ "O, ma,
+dear! O, papa! do look! _Isn't_ this charming? _Isn't_ it delightful?
+Only fancy--the _Bragginton Smiths_ were here last month!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FAULT OF THE FOWL
+
+SCENE--_Coffee-Room, Hotel, Guernsey._
+
+_Visitor_ (_gazing at a guinea-fowl's egg_). "Waiter! Can you tell me
+what egg this is?"
+
+_Waiter._ "Oh, sir, it's a Guernsey egg. They sometimes lays them like
+that. It's not done in the boiling!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CORRECTED.--_Lady Tourist_ (_doing the cathedrals of
+Scotland_). "This is _Gothic_, isn't it, John?"
+
+_Juvenile Vendor of "Guides"_ (_severely_). "No, mem, _this is
+Presbyterian_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At HOMBURG-V.-D.-H.--_Colonel Twister_ (_in the hotel smoking-room_).
+Yes! I once played a game of pool at Senecarabad, holding the cue in my
+teeth, and captured all the loot!
+
+_Captain Longbow._ Pooh! That's nothing! About a month ago I matched
+myself at shell-out against Fred Fandango, and clutching the cue between
+my toes, walked in lying on my back!
+
+_Colonel Twister_ (_taken unawares_). But how the deuce did you manage
+to see the table?
+
+_Captain Longbow._ See the table? Why, had the cloth lighted with
+Roentgen rays, of course! Saw through the slate!
+
+     [_The Colonel abruptly says "Good Night" to the company, and leaves
+     for Schlangenbad next morning._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FORCE OF HABIT.--Recently two bankers met abroad. They at once began to
+compare notes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW NAME FOR SEA-SICKNESS.--_Mal de Little Mary._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. RAMSBOTHAM wants to know whether the inhabitants of the Fiji
+Islands are called the Fijits.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: YOUNG AUSTRALIA
+
+SCENE--_Highland Gathering in the Antipodes._
+
+"Well, my little man, so you're Scotch, eh?"
+
+"Nae, nae, a'am nae Scotch, but ma pairents is."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SENSATIONAL DRAMA IN THREE ACTS AND FIVE TABLEAUX.
+
+(_Showing how he got in for it and how he came out of it rather the
+worse for "wear"._)
+
+MR. JOGGLES HAVING CAREFULLY SELECTED A RETIRED SPOT DEPOSITED HIS
+CLOTHES IN A CAVE SEES A LITTLE WAY BELOW HIM A SPARKLING POOL FED BY A
+TORRENT FROM ABOVE--A NATURAL SHOWER BATH, INTO WHICH HE WILL JOYFULLY
+DESCEND.
+
+THIS IS WHAT HE EXPECTED BEFORE TAKING A DIP.
+
+BUT A PICNIC PARTY HAVING TERMINATED THEIR LUNCHEON, UNWITTINGLY
+REARRANGE MATTERS.
+
+MR. JOGGLES IS COMPELLED TO REMAIN OVER HIS USUAL TIME IN HIS BATH.
+
+IN THE MEANTIME THE GOATS HAVE BEEN BUSY WITH HIS CLOTHES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR A CHANGE
+
+  Fagged and jaded, Daphne mine,
+  For our annual change I pine.
+  Once again the problem's here,
+  Whither we shall go this year.
+  Let who will seek lake or moor,
+  "_Bad_" or hydro, spa or "_kur_,"
+  Switzerland and Germany
+  Have no charms for you and me.
+  There while restless tourists haste,
+  "Good old Margate" suits our taste.
+  On its old familiar ground
+  We will make the usual round.
+  Meet Smith, Robinson and Brown,
+  Whom we daily see in town;
+  Hear the niggers or the bands
+  On the pier, the fort, the sands;
+  Revel in each well-known joy,
+  Then, when these enchantments cloy,
+  And for change again we yearn,
+  Why, then, Daphne, we'll return.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE number of stowaways who secrete themselves in big vessels is
+becoming a growing evil. A Norwegian barquantine reached Plymouth on
+Friday with an entire cargo of hides.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VERY REVOLTING PLACE.--Brazil.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: French Tourist, on a visit to London for the first time,
+makes a note in his pocket-book of the name of the street in which his
+hotel is situated.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BERLIN.--Although Berlin is "on the Spree," its cheerfulness is
+considerably discounted by "the Oder" in its vicinity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "JOINT OCCUPATION"
+
+(_Suggested by Cook's Tourist in Egypt._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVERHEARD AT CHAMONIX.--_Stout British Matron_ (_in a broad British
+accent, to a slim diligence driver_). Etes-vous la diligence?
+
+_Driver._ Non, madame, mais j'en suis le cocher.
+
+_Matron_ (_with conviction_). C'est la meme chose; gardez pour moi trois
+places dans votre interieur demain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PHILLIPOPOLIS
+
+_Toper Major_ (_over their third bottle of a Grand Vin_). "I shay, ol'
+f'ler, neksh year thinksh'll go see ex'bishun at Ph-Phipp at
+Philup-popple----"
+
+_Toper Minor._ "I know, ol' f'ler. You mean Philipoppoppo--poppo----"
+
+_Toper Major._ "Thatsh it--shame place. Have 'nother bo'l!"
+
+    [_They drink._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT SO PRETTY IN ENGLISH
+
+(_Three Friends meet at Monte Carlo._)
+
+_First Friend._ No, I'm not staying here. Just run over from Canes.
+
+_Second F._ And I from Fat.
+
+_Third F._ And I'm with my people at Chin.
+
+     [We presume the travellers referred to Cannes, Grasse, and
+     Menton.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WHITSUN HOLIDAY.
+
+(_A Page from a Modern Diary._)
+
+_Monday._--Up with the lark. Breakfast not ready. Spent my spare time in
+closing the boxes. Got the family into the train with difficulty.
+Devoted the day to travelling. Reached our destination tired out. Glad
+to get to bed.
+
+_Tuesday._--Up with the lark. Did the sights. Had no time to look at
+anything, as I had to attend to the tickets. Saw all the museums. My
+party coming out when I had got the catalogues. So managed our visits
+that there was no opportunity of discussing meals. Got back in time for
+_table d'hote_, but preferred sleep to food. Went to bed.
+
+_Wednesday._--Up with the lark. Off again travelling. On the road all
+day. Having to fit in the corresponding trains, had no leisure for
+meals. Arrived at our new resting-place late at night. So off as quickly
+as possible to bed.
+
+_Thursday._--Up with the lark. Spent the morning in sight-seeing under
+the customary conditions. Waited upon the family. Looked after the
+catalogues and umbrellas. Food again at a discount. Dispensed with
+dinner. Glad to get to bed.
+
+_Friday._--Up with the lark. Time to return. Back again by a train. No
+food. No rest. Halfway home. Arrived in time to see the lights being put
+out. Off to bed.
+
+_Saturday._--Up with the lark. Continued my journey post-haste. Wrote up
+my diary. Find that I have got over several hundreds of miles; but for
+the life of me cannot remember anything that I have seen. Don't
+recollect any square meal. Back again, tired, and only pleased to be in
+bed.
+
+_Sunday._--Sleeping.
+
+_Monday._--Up with the lark. Recovered from my week's "rest," and glad
+to get back again to work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY A SEA-SICK PASSENGER
+
+      _MARE! Mare_!
+      Most contrary,
+  Why do you tumble so?
+      While you heave and swell
+      One can't feel well,
+  And--I think I'll go below!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR AMERICAN MILLIONAIRESSES.--
+
+"Marry, come up!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Scientific and Nervous Visitor at Country Hotel._ "I
+suppose there's no 'ptomaine' in this pie?"
+
+_Waiter_ (_equal to the occasion_). "No, sir. We never puts that in
+unless specially ordered!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DARTMOOR WAY.--_Tourist_ (_in background_). "I say!
+Percy! We'd better be going now--unless you can see anything striking
+from where you are!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_Railway Refreshment Room. Thermometer 90 deg. in the
+Shade._
+
+_Waiter_ (_to traveller taking tea_). "Beg pardon, sir, I shouldn't
+recommend that milk, sir; leastways not for _drinking_ purposes."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HALCYON PROSPECTS.--_Romantic Bride_ (_ecstatically_).
+"Such a waste of waters almost appals me!"
+
+_Prudent Husband_ (_fondly_). "What a dear little economist it is!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tourist._ "Wasn't there a great battle fought about
+here?"
+
+_Village Dame._ "Ah, I do mind it when I were a gell, I do. They
+was----"
+
+_Tourist._ "But, my good woman, that was nearly six hundred years ago!"
+
+_Village Dame_ (_unabashed_). "Dear, dear! How time do fly!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "And she only charged eight-and-a-half guineas,
+and"--(_Interruption from Husbands._ "Isn't the view marvellous!"
+
+_General chorus in reply._ "Oh--er--_Yes!_")--"and now I simply go there
+for everything!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FRENCH AND ENGLISH (_as zey are spoke at ze country
+'ouse_).--_Hostess._ "Oh--er--j'espair ker voos avvy troovy
+votre--votre--er--er--votre _collar stud_, barrong?"
+
+_M. le Baron._ "Oh, I zank you, yes! I find 'eem on my _chest of
+trowsers_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PERAMBULATORS NOT ADMITTED
+
+A DISAPPOINTMENT. [To _perambulate_; v.n., in German, _spazieren_; in
+French, _se promener_; in Italian, _passeggiare_.]--_Johann Schmidt._
+"Ach! vat a bitty, Mister Chones! Zen ve must not go therein to
+berampulate?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Chatty Tourist._ "Beautiful specimen of a Roman camp,
+this, isn't it?"
+
+_Grim Stranger._ "_No_, sir, _no_! I decline to admit that there can be
+_any_ true beauty about anything _Roman_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TWO LAST WORDS TO SWITZERLAND
+
+(_By a British Tourist and Family Man_)
+
+  On Uri's lake, in Kuesnacht's dell,
+  What is the thought can almost quell
+  Thy patriot memory, oh TELL?
+                          _Hotel!_
+
+  Whether by blue crevasse we reel,
+  Or list the avalanche's peal,
+  What question blends with all we feel?--
+                          _Wie Viel?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LUSUS NATURAE
+
+_Excursion Tourist._ "Most extr'or'nary cre'char!"
+
+_Facetious Rustic._ "Ah! that a be, measter, bred on this 'ere wery
+fa-arm he wor, tew!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE.--At an hotel at Socrabaja in Java is this
+notice:--
+
+"From the hours fixed for meals on no account will be deviated. For
+damage to furniture the proprietor will avenge himself on the person
+committing the same."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TIRED NATURE."--A yawning gulf.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR BORES, NATIVE AND FOREIGN
+
+"Ach! I schbeague Enklish not vell, not vell at all! Pot, py a leadle
+bractice, I imbrove ver kvick! Vait till I haf talk to you for a gopple
+of hours, and you shall see!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SCENE AT THE "LUCULLUS"
+
+_Mrs. Blunderby._ "Now, my dear Monty, let me order the luncheon
+ar-la-fraingsy. Gassong! I wish to begin--as we always do in Paris, my
+dears--with some _chef-d'oeuvres_--you understand--some
+_chef-d'oeuvres_."
+
+    [_Emile, the waiter, is in despair. It occurs to him, however,
+    presently that the lady probably meant "Hors d'oeuvres,"
+    and acts accordingly._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A WELSH LADY
+
+(_Written at Clovelly_)
+
+  The reason why I leave unsung
+  Your praises in the Cymric tongue
+      You know, sweet Nelly;
+  You recollect your poet's crime--
+  How, when he tried to sing "the time,"
+  He made "the place" and "loved one" rhyme,
+      You and Dolgelly!
+
+  But now, although a shocking dunce,
+  I've learnt, in part, the Welsh pronunc-
+      iation deathly.
+  I dream of you in this sweet spot,
+  And for your sake I call it what
+  Its own inhabitants do not--
+      That is "Clovethly"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT WHITBY.--_Visitor_ (_to Ancient Mariner, who has been relating his
+experiences to crowd of admirers_). Then do you mean to tell us that you
+actually reached the North Pole?
+
+_Ancient Mariner._ No, sir; that would be a perwersion of the truth. But
+I seed it a-stickin' up among the ice just as plain as you can this
+spar, which I plants in the sand. It makes me thirsty to think of that
+marvellous sight, we being as it were parched wi' cold.
+
+    [_A. M.'s distress promptly relieved by audience._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WALKING ENGLISHWOMAN ON THE ALPS
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  You who look at home so charming--
+    Angel, goddess, nothing less--
+  Do you know you're quite alarming
+          In that dress?
+
+  Such a garb should be forbidden;
+    Where's the grace an artist loves?
+  Think of dainty fingers hidden
+          In those gloves!
+
+  Gloves! A housemaid would not wear them,
+    Shapeless, brown and rough as sacks,
+  Thick! And yet you often tear them
+          With that axe!
+
+  Worst of all, unblacked, unshiny--
+    Greet them with derisive hoots--
+  Clumsy, huge! For feet so tiny!
+          Oh, those boots!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--_Verandah of Swiss Hotel_
+
+_Brown_ (_finishing very lengthy account of Alpine adventure_).
+
+"And then, Miss Jones, then, just as dawn was breaking, I heard the
+voices of the guides above me, and I knew that I was saved--actually
+saved! My feelings, as I realised this, may be more easily imagined than
+described!"
+
+_Miss Jones_ (_fervently_). "Thank Heaven!"
+
+    [_And Brown fondly imagined she was alluding to his escape_.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CAUTIOUS
+
+_Visitor_ (_at out-of-the-way Inn in the North_). "Do you know anything
+about salmon-poaching in the neighbourhood?"
+
+_Landlady_ (_whose son is not above suspicion_). "Eh--no, sir. Maybe
+it's a new style of cooking as we haven't heard of in these parts, as
+you see, sir, we only do our eggs that way; and"--(_brightening
+up_)--"if you like 'em, I can get you a dish at once!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SEVEN AGES OF LUGGAGE
+
+_Baby._ Perambulator, bottle, robe, fingerless gloves and woollen shoes.
+
+_Schoolboy._ Bat, ball, and aids to education.
+
+_Lover._ Guitar, music-book, writing materials, and fur-lined overcoat.
+
+_Justice._ Capon in basket, robes, and treatise upon ancient saws and
+modern instances.
+
+_Soldier._ Sword, uniform case, standard work upon Reputation.
+
+_Pantaloon._ Sausages, property red-hot poker, costume of motley,
+slippers and spectacle case.
+
+_Veteran._ Travels without luggage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GREAT TRAVELLER.--Dr. Watts was evidently in the habit of making
+pedestrian excursions on the Continent, for in one of his noblest lines,
+he expressly says--
+
+     "Whene'er I take my walks abroad."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INNOCENT ABROAD.--You are misled in your view that the _Cours de
+Cuisine_, mentioned in the prospectus of a French school, means the run
+of the kitchen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE SWISS HIGHLANDS.--_Brown._ "This is rather a
+pretty figure. You start on the left foot, cut a drop three--then----"
+(_Bump_)
+
+_Little Girl_ (_unmoved_). "Oh, _that's_ why it's called a drop three,
+Mr. Brown!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Photographer_ (_on tour, absent-mindedly_). "Now smile,
+please!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT.--_Customer_ (_indignantly_). Hi! waiter,
+what do you call this soup?
+
+_Waiter_ (_meekly_). I not know, sir, but ze padrone tell me to describe
+'im Cockstail!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Traveller_ (_snap-shotting tropical river, suddenly
+confronted by hippopotamus_). "Just keep like that one moment, please!"
+(_Rapturously_) "Such a delightful expression!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE BY OUR TRAVELLER--At a station on the Elham Valley Line, "Kentish
+Pianos" are advertised. Are these adapted for playing only dance tunes,
+and therefore specially serviceable in a "Hop" county?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EASTER HOLIDAYS
+
+(_By One who has tried them_)
+
+Must really decide where to go for five or six days at Easter. Weather
+always awful. Usual Springtime. North-east wind, frost, snow and dust.
+Something like last week. Can't stop in London. One Sunday or Bank
+Holiday in London mournful enough. But four of them consecutively!
+Impossible!
+
+Innocent persons go to the south coast of England, thinking that fifty
+miles nearer the equator one is in quite a different climate.
+Bournemouth? Bosh! All sandy dust and depressing invalids. Torquay?
+Twaddle! Probably rain all the time, if not snow. England no good.
+Scotland or Ireland? Worse!
+
+Must go, as people say vaguely, "abroad." How about Paris? North-east
+wind, frost, snow and dust, worse than here. Streets windy, theatres
+draughty, cafes and restaurants suffocating. Brussels? Nothing but rain.
+Aix-les-Bains? Probably snow. Nice? That might do. No frost or snow,
+but very likely a north-east wind and certainly lots of dust. Besides,
+thirty hours' journey out and thirty hours' journey back, would only
+leave about sixty hours there. No good. Rome, Seville, Constantinople,
+Cairo? Still farther. Should have to leave on the return journey before
+I arrived. Where can I go to at Easter to be warm and comfortable,
+without so much trouble? I know. To bed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REGARDLESS OF THE TEMPERATURE.--_Facetious Australian_ (_off Calshot
+Castle, to indisposed friend_). What arm of the sea reminds one of a
+borrowed boot?
+
+_The "I. F."_ (_feebly_). Give it--anything--up.
+
+_F. A._ Why, the _Sole-lent_, to be sure.
+
+    [_The "I. F." is promptly carried below._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT BATH.--_Wiffling_ (_sympathetically_). Here on account of the waters?
+
+_Piffling._ No, unhappily. Here on account of the whiskies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A QUESTION OF THE HOUR."--Asking a railway porter the time of the next
+train's departure for your holiday resort.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Scene--_The Summit of Vesuvius_
+
+_American Tourist_ (_to the world at large_). "Great snakes, it reminds
+me of hell!"
+
+_English Tourist._ "My dear, how these Americans _do_ travel!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Friend_ (_below_). "All you've got to do when I throw
+you the rope is to make it fast to that projection over your head, and
+lower yourself down!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE CHURCH-GOING BELL"
+
+Sunday morning, coast of Norway. (_By our Yachting Artist._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Parson._ "Yes, on one occasion I married four couples in
+a quarter of an hour. Quick work, wasn't it?"
+
+_Nautical Young Lady._ "Yes, rather! Sixteen knots an hour!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MY AIRSHIP
+
+     [_The poet is being piloted on his aerial flight by a prosaic
+     mechanician. It is to the latter that the interpolations are due._]
+
+  Thou elfin Puck, thou child of master mind!
+  (Look out! the ballast's slipping off behind.)
+  Thou swanlike Siren of the blue sublime!
+  (Screw up that nut, and never mind the rhyme.)
+
+  Thine 'tis to fathom AEther's highest pole!
+  (This wind will fairly get us in a hole.)
+  Thine to explore the azure-vaulted dome!
+  (I wonder how the deuce we're going home.)
+
+  Up, up, thou speedest, flaunting, flaunting high,
+  Thy glist'ring frame emblazon'd 'gainst the sky;
+  And myriad-minded fancies still pursue
+  Thy gliding--(Blow! the anchor's fouled the screw!)
+
+  Thou stormy petrel, kissing heaven's height,
+  (Petrol! The rotten stuff declines to light)
+  Onward thou soarest o'er the City's dust
+  Shimmering, triumphant. (Gad! The motor's bust!)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ Give the French for "a policeman's beat." _A._ _Un tour de Force._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ What is the difference between a traveller and a popular vegetable?
+
+_A._ One has been abroad and the other's a broad bean.
+
+    [_Exit Querier rapidly._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE AMERICAN RUSH.--_American Tourist._ "Say, how long
+will it take to see over the ruins?"
+
+_Caretaker._ "About an hour, sir."
+
+_American Tourist._ "And how long will it take you to tell us about
+it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Is this your favourite view, poppa darling?"
+
+"Why, certainly. But--ahem!--I prefer it _unframed_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COLD COMFORT.--_Visitor to the West Indies_ (_who has
+been warned against bathing in the river because of alligators, but has
+been told by the boatman that there are none at the river's mouth_). "By
+jove, this is ripping! But, I say, how do you know there are no
+alligators here?"
+
+_Boatman._ "Well, you see, sah, de alligator am so turr'ble feared ob de
+shark!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVER THE SEA.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I read that two new cures for sea sickness have just
+been discovered: the one the eating of bananas; the other, found out by
+Professor Heinz, of Erlangen, who declares that the malady proceeds from
+the lobe of the brain, and that to avert it one has only to breathe
+freely. As to the Professor's theory about breathing freely, I can
+safely assert that I never open my mouth so wide as when crossing the
+Channel, but the experiment is an unpleasant failure.
+
+  Your obedient servant,
+
+  DIONYSIUS DABELRISK.
+
+  _Peckham Rye._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE GRAND HOTEL, PARIS.--_Blithers_ (_of romantic turn of mind, to
+Smithers, after observing a young couple in close conversation in the
+court yard_). I'm sure they're engaged. I heard her call him Harry!
+
+_Smithers_ (_a matter-of-fact man_). What of that? I call my housemaid
+Emily! He's most probably her footman.
+
+    [_Smithers calls for absinthe._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WELL MEANT, BUT----. _Motorist_ (_with heated
+cylinders_). "Where can I get some water?"
+
+_Rustic._ "There beant noo watter hereaboots--but ye can have a sup at
+my tea!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A difficult pass]
+
+[Illustration: A kneesy climb]
+
+[Illustration: A smiling valley]
+
+[Illustration: A magnificent gorge]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY THE SILVER SEA.--_Seaside. Tripper--none too clean in
+appearance--charters bathing machine. Smart-looking schoolboy_ (_about
+to enter next machine_), _loq._ I say, ma, I wish that dirty fellow
+wouldn't bathe here.
+
+_Mamma._ Why, Tommy? If people of that sort were to bathe, they'd be as
+clean as you, you know.
+
+_Tommy_ (_eyeing Tripper closely_). Not in once, mamma!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN APPRECIATION
+
+(_Train entering Venice_)
+
+_Fair American._ "Waal, I guess this is where the Adriatic slops over!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUMMER RESORTS
+
+DREARDON-CUM-SLOOZE.
+
+Spring weather, in pleasing variety of sun and snow-shower, now prevails
+in this highly fla--favoured locality. Mr. Josiah Jorker, Chairman of
+the Rural District Council here, has bought four black Berkshire pigs,
+and to lean over the yard gate and inspect them is now a regular
+afternoon occupation. Discussion as to their merits runs high amongst
+our local magnates. Situate as this health-giving village is, it offers
+to the tired brain-worker complete rest, as there is no railway station
+within six miles, and only the day-before-yesterday's newspaper is
+obtainable.
+
+CHAWBOODLECUM.
+
+A fine bracing N.E. wind has dried the roads, and, amongst the aged and
+sick, made a clearance, thoroughly in accord with the "survival of the
+fittest" doctrine. Trade has never been more brisk with the local
+undertaker and the much-respected sexton. The cricket club opens its
+season to-day with a match against the neighbouring village of Sludgely.
+A "Sing-Song," or "Free and Easy," is held every Saturday night at the
+"Pig and Puppy-Dog," at which well-known hostelry visitors can find
+every accommodation.
+
+SLACKINGTON.
+
+In this genial and mild air, where a steady, gentle rain falls on very
+nearly every day in the year, the Londoner, fleeing from the trying east
+winds of Spring, may find a welcome refuge. It is quite a pretty sight
+on Sundays to watch the people with their different coloured waterproofs
+stream out of church. There is a rumour that the present supply of cabs
+will shortly be augmented by one, if not two, fresh vehicles. On Monday
+last a German band played a charming selection of music in the market
+place, and there was a dog-fight in the High Street.
+
+PORKBURY.
+
+This charming spot only requires to be known, to insure plenty of
+patronage from visitors. The new pump is being pushed forward rapidly,
+and the Vicar intends to hold jumble sales once a week throughout the
+summer. This, in itself, will, it is expected, prove a great attraction.
+
+Police-Constable Slummers, whose urbanity and great consideration for
+the inhabitants (especially on Saturday nights) have always been so
+conspicuous, is about to leave, and some of the more prominent townsmen
+have taken the opportunity of marking their sense of his valuable
+services by presenting him with a handsome pewter pot, engraved with his
+name and the date.
+
+A piano-organist now regularly attends the weekly market, and his music
+is greatly appreciated by those engaged in buying and selling.
+
+At the Farmer's Eighteenpenny Ordinary, last week, Mr. Chumpjaw stated
+that his mangolds were "the whackin'est big 'uns" grown in the county.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT BOULOGNE.--_Mrs. Sweetly_ (_on her honeymoon_). Isn't it funny,
+Archibald, to see so many foreigners about? And all talking French!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PATRON SAINT OF MESSRS. COOK.--St. Martin of "Tours."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Englishman_ (_to friend_). "There goes that awful liar,
+who says he has climbed everything under the sun."
+
+_Friend._ "Don't call him a liar. Rather say he has a great talent for
+exaggerating things that never happened."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PLEASANT UNCERTAINTY.--_Gigantic Guide._ "Ze last party
+zat was 'ere--no one knew whezzer zey _shumped_ over or was _thrown_
+over!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SLIGHT "MALONGTONGDEW"
+
+_Angelina._ "There are to be illuminations and fireworks, and they're to
+finish up with an 'ombrasmong general.' What can that be?"
+
+_Edwin._ "Well, 'ombasser' means to 'kiss'; so I suppose it means a kind
+of a sort of a general kissing all round."
+
+_Angelina._ "Horrid idea! I won't go near the place, and I'm sure you
+shan't, Edwin!"
+
+    [Our readers, who know French better than E. and A., are aware that
+    embrasement, with only one "s," has a totally different meaning.
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HONEYMOONING IN PARIS.--_Mrs. Jones._ "Am I not an
+expensive little wifie?"
+
+_Jones_ (_who has spent the morning and a small fortune at the Magasin
+du Louvre_). "Well, you _are_ a little dear!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUID PRO QUO.--_Madame Gaminot._ "Oh yes, Monsieur Jones,
+J'_adore_ les Anglais! Zey understand bisnesse! For example, zey pay me
+sixty pound--fifteen 'undred franc--to sing 'La Blanchisseuse du
+Tambour-Major' at a evening party! It seem a great deal! But zey laugh,
+and zey say, 'Oh, sharmong! Oh, ravissong!' and it mek everybody sink
+zat everybody else know French--it almost mek zem sink zat zey know it
+zemselfs!!! Ca vaut bien quinze cents francs, j'espere!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tourist_ (_at small Irish inn, miles from anywhere_).
+"Look here, what does this mean? I left my boots out last night, and
+they haven't been touched."
+
+_Landlord_ (_with honest pride_). "Thrue for ye, sorr! An' begorr', if
+ye'd left your _gowld watch an' chain_ out, div'l a sowl wud 'a touched
+them nayther!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: 'ARRY ABROAD.--_Guide._ "Monsieur finds eet a vairy
+eenteresting old place, ees eet not?" _'Arry_ (_who will speak French_).
+"Pas demi!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY THE SILVER SEA
+
+DRAINSMOUTH.
+
+This popular health resort is now filled to over-flowing. The
+entertainments on the pier include animated photographs of a procession
+to the Woking Crematorium, and other cheerful and interesting subjects.
+The smells of the harbour may still be enjoyed to perfection at low
+water.
+
+SHRIMPLEY.
+
+The question of mixed bathing here has at length been set at rest by the
+Town Council issuing an order that nobody is to bathe at all. A decision
+so impartial as between the rival factions cannot fail to give
+satisfaction to all except the captious. Professor De Bach, with his
+performing dogs, gives an exhibition twice each day at the Pier
+Pavilion.
+
+LODGINGTON-ON-SEA.
+
+Warm and sunny weather still continues in this favoured spot. People
+wait half the morning for a bathing-machine and then look rather
+disappointed when they get it. The Simperton-Swaggeringtons arrived
+yesterday, travelling first-class from the junction, two miles off (up
+to which point they had come third). This has excited some unfavourable
+comment in the town.
+
+SMELLINGTON-SUPER-MARE.
+
+Large numbers of tripp--visitors, I mean, continue to pour into the town
+from Saturdays to Mondays, benefiting greatly by their small change. The
+lodging-house keepers also derive considerable benefit from their (the
+visitors') small change, especially when left lying about on the
+mantelpiece. No one could complain of dulness here now, for as I write,
+twenty-three barrel-organs, eleven troupes of nigger minstrels and four
+blind beggars with fiddles are amusing and delighting their listeners on
+the sands. The place is thoroughly lively, hardly an hour of the day
+passing without at least two street rows between inebriated
+excursionists taking place. The police force has been doubled, and the
+magistrates have given notice that, for the future, they will give no
+"option," and that all sentences for assaults in the streets will be
+with hard labour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PHILOLOGICAL.--_First English Groom_ (_new to Paris_).
+"And the French gent as he drives round the corner, he pulls up quick,
+and calls out 'Woa!'"
+
+_Second ditto_ (_who has been in Paris some time_). "He couldn't have
+said _'Woa!'_ as there ain't no 'W' in French."
+
+_First ditto._ "No 'W' in French? Then 'ow d'yer spell 'wee'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Alarming appearance of a harmless guana just as he has
+found a nice corner of Sydney Harbour for a sketch.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Townmouse takes lodgings for his family at a
+farmhouse in a remote district. Delightful spot; but they weren't so
+well off for butcher's meat as they could wish.
+
+_Farmer._ "Now, if your lady 'ud like some nice pork--Oh! she does like
+pork?--Well, then, we shall kill a pig the week arter next."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NICE PROSPECT.--_Traveller_ (_benighted in the Black
+Country_). "Not a bed-room disengaged! Tut-t-t-t!"
+
+_Landlady_ (_who is evidently in the coal business as well_). "Oh, we'll
+accommodate you somehow, sir, if me and my 'usband gives you up our own
+bed, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Professor
+Chatterleigh._ "By George! I'm so hungry I can't _talk!_"
+
+_Fair Hostess_ (_on hospitable thoughts intent_). "Oh, I'm _so_ glad!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AESTHETICS
+
+_Indiscreet Sister._ "Why, Harry, your legs are getting more
+_Chippendale_ than ever!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE JOYS OF TOURING
+
+_Traveller._ "I say, your razor's pulling most confoundedly!"
+
+_Local Torturer._ "Be it, zur? Wull, 'old on tight to the chair, an'
+we'll get it off zummow!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHEERING.--_First Artist_ (_on a pedestrian tour_). "Can
+you tell which is the best inn in Baconhurst?"
+
+_Rustic_ (_bewildered_). "Dunno."
+
+_Second Artist_ (_tired_). "But we can get beds there, I suppose? Where
+do travellers generally go?"
+
+_Rustic._ "Go to the union moostly!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MIND AND MATTER-OF-FACT
+
+_Cotton-Man_ (_fro' Shoddydale_). "What dun yo' co' that wayter?"
+
+_Coachman._ "Ah, ain't it beautiful? That's Grassmere Lake, that is----"
+
+_Cotton-Man._ "Yo' co'n 'um all la-akes an' meres i' these pa-arts. We
+co'n 'um rezzer-voyers where ah com' fro'!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Would the epigrammatic translation of "_sede vacanti_" as "Not well and
+gone away for a holiday" be accepted by an examiner?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WINTER RESORT FOR BRONCHIALLY-AFFECTED PERSONS.--Corfe Castle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor._ "And so you've never been to London! Oh, but
+you must go. It's quite an easy journey, you know."
+
+_Gaffer Stokes._ "Ah, Oi'd main loike to see Lunnon, Oi wud. Reckon Oi
+must go afore Oi'm done for. _Now which moight be their busy day there,_
+mister?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO INTENDING TOURISTS--"Where shall we go?" All depends on the "coin of
+'vantage." Switzerland? Question of money. Motto.--_"Point d'argent
+point de Suisse."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCENE--_On the Quay. Ocean liner's syren fog-horn emitting short,
+sharp grunts._
+
+_Little Girl._ Oh, mamma, that _poor_ ship must have a drefful pain in
+its cabin!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WASTED SYMPATHY.--SCENE--_Interior of Railway Carriage. Lady_ (_to
+gentleman who has just entered and is placing one of his fellow
+passenger's bags on the floor where there is a hot-water bottle_). Oh!
+Excuse me, sir, but, _please_ don't put _that_ near the hot-water
+bottle. I've got a little bird in the bag.
+
+_Elderly Gentleman_ (_who is an enthusiastic Anti-Vivisectionist and
+prominent member of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals_).
+Good Heavens, madam! a bird in there! Please consider! How cruel! how
+inhuman! how----(_gasps for words_).
+
+_Lady._ Not at all, my dear sir. _It's a roast partridge, cold, for
+lunch._
+
+    [_Collapse of Enthusiast._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNPLEASANTLY SUGGESTIVE NAMES OF "CURE" PLACES ABROAD.--_Bad Gastein._
+Which must be worse than the first day's sniff at Bad-Eggs-la-Chapelle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROTATORY KNIFE (AND FORK) MACHINES.--Pullman dining cars.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LINE WHICH IS OFTEN DRAWN.--The Equator.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THOROUGH BUT NOT PEDANTIC. (_Overheard at the
+Louvre._)--_American Tourist_ (_suspiciously_). "Say, guide, haven't we
+seen this room before?"
+
+_Guide._ "Oh no, monsieur."
+
+_Tourist._ "Well, see here. We want to see everything, but we don't want
+to see anything twice!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MODERN ACCOMPLISHMENTS.--_Captain Brown_ (_narrating his
+trip to the Continent_). "Then, of course, we ran down to Granada, and
+saw the Alhambra----"
+
+_Captain Jinks_ (_untravelled athlete_). "No!! What, have they got one
+there too!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FILIAL ANXIETY. "Going to Paris to-morrow, Tom!"
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"My poor old governor's taken ill there!"
+
+"Going by Dieppe or Boulogne?"
+
+"Rather think I shall go _via Monaco_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERDOING IT
+
+_Sympathiser._ "Sorry you look so seedy after your holiday, old chap!"
+
+_Too Energetic Sight-seer._ "Well, I am a bit done up, but the doctor
+says that with rest and great care I may be well enough to have a
+run-round as usual next year."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gushing Young Lady_ (_to Mr. Dunk, who has just returned
+from Rome_). "They say, Mr. Dunk, that when one sets foot in Rome for
+the first time, one experiences a profound feeling of awe. The chaos of
+ruined grandeur, the magnificent associations, seem too much for one to
+grasp. Tell me, oh tell me, Mr. Dunk, what did _you_ think of it all?"
+
+_Mr. Dunk_ (_deliberately, after considering awhile_). "_Very_ nice!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Carry your trunk, sir?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.--_Miss Tomboy._ Mamma, I think those French women
+were beastly rude.
+
+_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong.
+And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?
+
+_Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage
+(_mon petit chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old
+French beans.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TOURIST SEASON. HOTEL BRIGANDAGE]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DE GUSTIBUS----
+
+  I am an unadventurous man,
+  And always go upon the plan
+  Of shunning danger where I can.
+
+  And so I fail to understand
+  Why every year a stalwart band
+  Of tourists go to Switzerland,
+
+  And spend their time for several weeks,
+  With quaking hearts and pallid cheeks,
+  Scaling abrupt and windy peaks.
+
+  In fact, I'm old enough to find
+  Climbing of almost any kind
+  Is very little to my mind.
+
+  A mountain summit white with snow
+  Is an attractive sight, I know,
+  But why not see it _from below_?
+
+  Why leave the hospitable plain
+  And scale Mont Blanc with toil and pain
+  Merely to scramble down again?
+
+  Some men pretend they think it bliss
+  To clamber up a precipice
+  Or dangle over an abyss,
+
+  To crawl along a mountain side,
+  Supported by a rope that's tied,
+  --Not too securely--to a guide;
+
+  But such pretences, it is clear,
+  In the aspiring mountaineer
+  Are usually insincere.
+
+  And many a climber, I'll be bound,
+  Whom scarped and icy crags surround,
+  Wishes himself on level ground.
+
+  So I, for one, do not propose,
+  To cool my comfortable toes
+  In regions of perpetual snows,
+
+  As long as I can take my ease,
+  Fanned by a soothing southern breeze,
+  Under the shade of English trees.
+
+  And anyone who leaves my share
+  Of English fields and English air
+  May take the Alps for aught I care!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPORT MOST APPROPRIATE TO THE LOCALITY.--Shooting pigeons at Monte
+Carlo.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PLEASURE A LA RUSSE.--_Q._ When does a Russian give a Polish peasant a
+holiday?
+
+_A._ When he gives him _a kn_outing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CRY OF THE HOLIDAY-LOVING CLERK.--"Easterward Ho!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISH THAT DISAGREES WITH MOST PERSONS WHEN TRAVELLING.--The Chops of
+the Channel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREATEST BORE IN CREATION.--The Simplon Tunnel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The Brown family resolve to spend their vacation each
+after his own fashion, instead of _en famille_.
+
+Jack took his motor car of course.
+
+Maud and Ethel started on a Biking Tour.
+
+Pater preferred "Cooks".
+
+"My Dear Sir, I tell you there is not a city in the whole of Europe that
+is a patch upon Florence. Why I found the finest English chemists there
+that I have come across in all my travels."
+
+Mater had "quiet time" in Devonshire.
+
+Bob went canoeing.
+
+While Mary Ann says 'Give me good ole Margit'.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ANTIQUARY.--_Tourist_ (_in Cornwall_). "May I be
+permitted to examine that interesting stone in your field? These ancient
+Druidical remains are most interesting!"
+
+_Farmer._ "Sart'nly, sir. 'May be very int'restin' an' arnshunt, but we
+do stick 'em oup for the cattle, an' call 'em roubbin' pusts!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Smithson, having read and heard much of the pleasures of
+a driving tour, determines to indulge in that luxury during his
+Whitsuntide holidays. He therefore engages a trap, with a horse that can
+"get over the ground," and securing the services of an experienced
+driver, he sets forth._
+
+_Smithson._ "A--a--isn't he--a--a--hadn't I better help you to pull at
+him?"
+
+_Driver._ "Pull at 'im? Why yer'd set 'im crazed! Jist you let me keep
+is 'ead straight. Lor' bless yer, there ain't no cause to be affeared,
+as long as we don't meet nothing, and the gates ain't shut at
+Splinterbone crossing, jist round the bend."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Stout Party._ "Is this path safe?"
+
+_Flippant Youth._ "Yes, the path is--but I can't answer for _you_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Will you 'urry up paintin' that tree, sir? Cause I'm
+goin' to cut it down in a quarter of an hour."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tourist_ (_in search of "the unique," after admiring old
+cottage_). "Is there anything else to look at in the village?"
+
+_Village Dame._ "Lor' bless 'ee, why there's the beautiful new
+recr'ation ground as we've just 'ad made!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PASTORAL REBUKE.--_First Pedestrian_ (_they've lost
+their way_), "Look here. This must be the east, mustn't it? There's the
+chancel window--that's always east; then the south must be----"
+
+_High-Church Priest_ (_"turning up" suddenly out of the vestry_), "I beg
+your pardon, gentlemen, but I can't allow my church to be used for a
+secular purpose. You'll find an unconsecrated weathercock on the barn
+yonder!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor._ "Will you tell me where I shall find a seat?"
+
+_Verger._ "Weel, sir, there's a guid wheen veesitors in Inverness the
+noo: so sit whaur ye can see yer umbrella!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIPS FOR TRAVELLERS
+
+Toddlekins is anxious to take his family to Mars this summer, and
+inquires where he can hire a speedy balloon for the purpose. He is
+anxious to know whether he can obtain golf there, and also whether the
+roads are good for bicycling. He is recommended to apply for information
+to the Astronomer-Royal. But why should Toddlekins trouble to go so far
+afield? He would be sure to find congenial society in the neighbourhood
+of Hanwell, and by selecting this spot as his destination, the expense
+of a return ticket would be saved.
+
+ANXIOUS MOTHER.--So glad that you intend taking your dear ten children
+to Poppleton-on-Sea for three weeks' change of air. And all that you
+tell me about Timothy's pet rabbit and Selina's last attack of measles
+is so deeply interesting. Unfortunately I cannot answer all your
+questions myself, but I will print them here, so that some of my kind
+readers may be able to assist you. You want to know, in regard to
+Poppleton--
+
+(1) Whether the pavements (if any) are stone or asphalte.
+
+(2) What is the mean temperature, the annual rain-fall, and the
+death-rate.
+
+(3) What are the Rector's "views," and if there is a comfortable pew in
+the church, out of draughts, calculated to hold eleven.
+
+(4) What time the shops at Poppleton close on Saturdays.
+
+DUBIOUS.--As you say, it _is_ difficult to make up one's mind where to
+spend the holidays, because there are so many places from which to
+choose. And you were so wise to write and ask me to give you the name of
+one single place which I could thoroughly recommend, and so save you all
+further worry. How about Brighton, Hastings, Eastbourne, Bexhill,
+Seaford, Cowes, Weymouth, Exmouth, Penzance, Lynton, or Tenby? I am
+delighted to give you this real and valuable help!
+
+PICNIC-PARTY.--You have my full sympathy. It is most churlish of
+riparian owners to refuse to allow strangers to land on their property.
+Fancy any one objecting to having his lawn covered with broken bottles
+and paper bags!
+
+OWNER.--I feel deeply for you. The way in which trippers on the river
+invade riverside gardens is outrageous. The bags and pieces of glass
+they leave about must be a gross disfigurement to your lawn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INTRODUCTION MADE EASY.--_Invalid-Chair Attendant._ "If
+you should have a fancy for any partickler party, I can easily bump
+'em."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Miss Binns_ (_breathless, hurrying to catch London train
+after week-end trip_). "Can you please tell me the _exact_ time?"
+
+_Old Salt._ "'Alf ebb."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOUNTAIN RAMBLER
+
+(_By a Returned Traveller_)
+
+  I've scanned and penned an Ode on
+  Thy snowy glories, Snowdon
+  My honeymoon with Helen,
+  Was spent near "dark" Helvellyn,
+  Afar from all the _beau monde_
+  I've rambled round Ben Lomond,
+  At noontide on Ben Nevis,
+  I've roved and read _Sir Bevis_,
+  I've stretched each tired thin limb on
+  Thy summit, O Plinlimmon,
+  And once I tore my breeks
+  On Macgillycuddy's Reeks.
+    Those glorious mountain scalps,
+  The tiptops of the Alps,
+  I've seen--their pines and passes,
+  Their glaciers and crevasses--
+  With fools, philosophers and wits,
+  I've scrambled up the Ortler Spitz,
+  Made sketches on St. Gothard,
+  Like Turner and like Stothard,
+  And with my _cara sposa_
+  Ascended Monte Rosa:
+  But not content with Europe,
+  I've roamed with staff and new rope
+  As far away as Ararat,
+  Where _savants_ say there's ne'er a rat;
+  The Kuen Lun and Thian Shan
+  I know as well as any man;
+  I've boiled my evening kettle
+  On Popocatapetl,
+  And on the highest Andes
+  I've sodas mixed and brandies;
+  I've slumbered snug and cosey
+  On silvery Potosi;
+  I've stood on Peter Botto,
+  A rather lonely spot;
+  And--crowning feat of all
+  My mountaineerings on this ball--
+  I've smoked--O weed for ever blest!
+  My pipe upon Mount Everest.
+    And now my ramble's over,
+  Here's Shakspeare's Cliff and Dover!
+  All Alpine risks and chances,
+  All Ultramontane fancies,
+  I've put away and done with;
+  I'll stay my wife and son with,
+  And never more will roam
+  From Primrose Hill and home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.--_Visitor to the District_ (_who has
+missed his way_). "Can you tell me, my good man, if I shall pass the
+'Red Lion' inn along this road?"
+
+_The Village Toper._ "Oi wouldn't like to be saying wut a gen'leman
+loike ye wud be doin'; but Oi'm parfect sartin Oi shouldn't!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUEEN'S HOTEL, AMBLESIDE, 3 O'CLOCK, A.M.--"Tom!" (_No
+response._) "I say, Tom!" (_No answer._) "Tom!" (_A muffled grunt._)
+"Tom--Fire!"
+
+"Eh? What? What do you say?"
+
+"I say Tom, do you think your key will fit my bag?"
+
+"_No_--'t won't--Chubb!"
+
+    [_Objurgations, and midnight disturber retires._
+
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD.--"And how did you like
+Switzerland?"
+
+"Oh, immensely! It was our first visit, you know!"
+
+"And did you go on into Italy?"
+
+"Well, no. We found a hotel at Lausanne where there was a first-rate
+tennis-lawn, you know--quite as good as ours at home. So we spent the
+whole of our holiday there, and played lawn-tennis all day long."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY
+
+_The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole)._ "----
+and the fauna of these inhospitable regions is as poor as the flora! You
+couldn't name a dozen animals who manage to live there."
+
+_Mrs. Malapert._ "Oh--I dare say I could!"
+
+_The Professor._ "Really--what _are_ they?"
+
+_Mrs. Malapert._ "Well, now--five polar bears, let us say, and--and
+seven seals!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Traveller._ "Can we have beds here to-night?"
+
+_Obliging Hostess._ "Oh, yes, sir."
+
+_First Traveller._ "Have you--er--any--er--_insects_ in this house?"
+
+_Obliging Hostess._ "No, sir. _But we can get you some!"_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_to her travelling companion, who has just had
+his finger-nail pinched badly_). "How horrid! I always think anything
+wrong with one's nails sets one's teeth on edge all down one's back!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEARING THE ENGLISH COAST
+
+_Jones._ (_Returning to England_). "We are quite fifty miles from the
+Scilly Isles, Miss Brown. They say the odour of the flowers they
+cultivate there travels that distance over the sea. I can detect it
+distinctly now--can't you?"
+
+_Miss Brown_ (_from America_). "I guess it hasn't _quite_ reached me
+yet, Mr. Jones!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON A CERTAIN CONDESCENSION IN FOREIGNERS.--_He._ "Oh,
+you're from America, are you? People often say to me, 'Don't you dislike
+Americans?' But I always say 'I believe there are some very nice ones
+among them.'"
+
+_She._ "Ah, I dare say there _may_ be two or three nice people amongst
+millions!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR COUNTRYMEN ABROAD.--_Mr. Shoddy._ "_I_ always say,
+Mrs. Sharp, that I never feel really safe from the ubiquitous British
+snob till I am south of the Danube!"
+
+_Mrs. Sharp_ (_innocently_). "And what do the--a--_South Danubians_ say,
+Mr. Shoddy?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Waiter._ "Did you ring, Sir?"
+
+_Traveller_ (_as a gentle hint to previous arrival_). "_Another fire_,
+waiter!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Smith._ "Oh, I was wondering whether you and your
+husband would care to accompany our party to Hadrian's Villa to-morrow?"
+
+_Young American Bride._ "Why, yes; we'd just love to go. George and I
+will be furnishing as soon as we get back to Noo York, and maybe we'd be
+able to pick up a few notions over at this villa."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNANSWERABLE
+
+_Pompous Magnate_ (_making speech at public luncheon in provincial
+town_). "Speaking of travel reminds me how greatly I have admired the
+scenery round Lake Geneva, and also what pleasant times I have spent in
+the neighbourhood of Lake Leman."
+
+_Cultured Neighbour_ (_in audible whisper_). "Pardon me, but the two
+places are synonymous."
+
+_P. M._ (_patronisingly_). "Ah! So _you_ may think, sir--so _you_ may
+think! But, from my point of view, I consider Lake Geneva to be far the
+most synonymous of the two."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "IT'S AN ILL WIND," &c.--"Oh, papa! what _do_ you think?
+Four out of our twelve boxes are missing."
+
+"Hurrah! By George! that's the best piece of news I've had for a long
+time."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EPICURE.--"Oh, George, I'm ashamed of you--rubbing
+your lips like that, after that dear little French girl has given you a
+kiss!"
+
+"I'm not rubbing it _out_, mammy--I'm rubbing it _in_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COWES WEEK EXPERIENCE
+
+_Monday._--Dear old Bluewater--what a good fellow he is!--asks me to
+join his yacht, the _Sudden Jerk_, for Cowes week. Never been yachting
+before.
+
+_Tuesday._--Arrive Ryde Pier, correctly (I hope) "got up"; blue serge,
+large brass anchor buttons, and peaked cap. Fancy Bluewater rather
+surprised to see how _au fait_ I am at nautical dress. "Ah! my dear
+fellow, delighted to see you. Come along; the gig is lying alongside the
+steps. One of the hands" (why "hands"?) "shall look to your traps." We
+scramble into gig and are rowed out to 50-ton yawl. Climb up side.
+Bluewater says, "Come below. Take care--two steps down, then turn round
+and---- Oh! by Jove! what a crack you've caught your head. Never mind,
+old boy, you'll soon get accustomed to it." Devoutly hope I shall _not_
+get accustomed to knocking my head. Arrive at foot of "companion" (why
+"companion"?) stairs. Bluewater pulls aside curtains and says, "_There_
+you are!" Reply, "Oh! yes, there I am. Er--is--do you lie on the
+shelf--oh! berth, is it!--beg pardon--or underneath it?" He explains.
+"You'll find it very jolly, you know; you can lie in your bunk, and look
+right up the companion to the sky above." "Oh! awfully jolly," I say.
+We repair on deck. Get under weigh to run down to Cowes. Dear old
+Bluewater very active. Pulls at ropes and things, shouting
+"leggo-your-spinach-and-broom,"[A] and other unintelligible war-cries.
+Stagger across deck. Breeze very fresh. "Lee oh!" shouts Bluewater;
+"mind the broom!"--or it might have been boom--and next moment am
+knocked flat on my back by enormous pole.
+
+Arrive Cowes. Crowd of yachts. Drop anchor for night. Go below, damp
+face in tiny iron basin; yacht lurches and rolls all the water out over
+new white shoes. Enter saloon, tripping over some one's kit-bag at the
+door. Try to save myself by clutching at swing-table, which upsets and
+empties soup tureen all over my trousers. Retire, change, return. Host
+and I sit down and proceed to chase fried soles backwards and forwards
+across treacherous swing-table. "_Now_, my dear fellow isn't this
+jolly? Isn't this worth all your club dinners?" Reply "Oh, yes,"
+enthusiastically. Privately, should prefer club in London. Weather gets
+worse. Try to smoke. Don't seem to care for smoking, somehow. Feel
+depressed, and ask dear old Bluewater to describe a sailor's grave.
+Tries to cheer me up by saying, "Don't waste the precious moments, my
+friend, on such sad subjects. You are not born to fill a seaman's grave.
+There's a class of man not born to be drowned, you know." Then he laughs
+heartily. Try to smile; fail. Pitching and rocking motion increases.
+Retire early and lie down on shelf. Fall off twice. Manage to reach
+perch again. Weather gets worse. Shall never sleep with noise of
+trampling on deck and waves washing yacht's sides. Shall never----
+Sudden misgiving. _Am_ I going to be----? Oh! no, must be passing
+dizziness. It cannot possibly be.... IT IS!!!
+
+Am rowed ashore, bag and baggage, next morning. Dear old Bluewater tries
+to keep me from going, and says, "What, after all, _is_ sea-sickness?"
+Dear old Bluewater must be an ass. Confound old Bluewater!
+
+[Footnote A: Qy. spinnaker boom.--ED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE EXCURSION.
+
+_Head of Family._ "I reckon some of us'll have to stand, or we shan't
+all get seats!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CAUSE AND EFFECT
+
+_Mrs. Brown._ "I had such a lovely bathe last Thursday, dear."
+
+_Niece._ "That was the day of the tidal wave, wasn't it, Auntie?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: How Stonehenge might be popularised if the Government
+bought it. Suggestion gratis.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Full-sized Tripper._ "How does one get into the
+churchyard, please?"
+
+_Simple Little Native._ "Through this 'ere 'ole!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Walking Tourist._ "What's the name of this village, my
+man?"
+
+_Yokel._ "Oi dunno, zur. Oi only bin 'ere a month!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD WORLD AND THE NEW
+
+_Fair Yankee_ (_in Egypt_). "I say, uncle, can yew tell me, air there
+ever any new camels? I guess all I've seen must be second-hand!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN UNCONGENIAL SPOT FOR TEETOTALERS.--Barmouth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MAN WHO BEATS ABOUT THE BUSH.--An Australian.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "IN PERIL OF PRECIPITATION"--_Coriolanus_, iii. 3.
+
+_Stout Party._ "Hi! boy, stop! I'm going to get off."
+
+_Donkey Boy._ "Yer carn't, marm. There ain't room!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DETECTED.--_Clerical Tourist_ (_visiting cathedral_).
+"Always open, eh? And do you find that people come here on week-days for
+rest and meditation?"
+
+_Verger._ "Ay, that they do, odd times. Why, I catched some of 'em at it
+only last Toosday!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "Well, if that's David, what a size Goliath
+must a' been."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOLIDAY FARE IN CORNWALL
+
+  A Roll on the billow,
+    A Loaf by the shore,
+  A Fig for fashion,
+    And Cream galore!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROAD TO THE NIAGARA FALLS.--_Via Dollarosa._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE THE FELLAH'S SHOE PINCHES.--Where the corn used to be--in Egypt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch On Tour, by Various
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