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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Letters of Major Jack Downing, of the
+Downingville Militia, by Seba Smith
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Letters of Major Jack Downing, of the Downingville Militia
+
+Author: Seba Smith
+
+Release Date: May 20, 2011 [EBook #36175]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LETTERS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Yours till deth
+               Majer Jack Downing]
+
+
+
+LETTERS OF MAJOR JACK DOWNING,
+
+OF THE DOWNINGVILLE MILITIA.
+
+
+"The Constitution is a Dimmycratic machine, and it's got to be
+run as a Dimmycratic machine, or it _won't run at all_!"
+
+--MAJER JACK DOWNING TO LINCOLN.
+
+
+THIRD EDITION.
+
+NEW YORK:
+VAN EVRIE, HORTON & CO.,
+No. 162 NASSAU STREET,
+PRINTING HOUSE SQUARE.
+1866.
+
+
+Entered according to Act of Congress, by BROMLEY & CO., in the year
+1864, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States
+for the Southern District of New York
+
+LOVEJOY & SON,
+ELECTROTYPERS & STEREOTYPERS,
+15 Vandewater st., N.Y.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+
+                                                                PAGE.
+
+LETTER I.
+
+The Major Announces that he "Still Lives"--The Reason why he has not
+Spoken before--Writes to "President Linkin," who at once Sends for
+him--How Lincoln Shakes Hands--His Troubles--The Major's Advice--
+Lincoln to get an "Appintment on Gineral McClellan's Staff"--A Story
+About Old Rye, from Mr. Lincoln.                                   15
+
+
+LETTER II.
+
+Deacon Jenkins, of Downingville, Sent for to Cut and Make the
+President's Uniform--A Provoking Accident--Mr. Lincoln Tells a
+Story--The Major as a "Commentater" on the Constitution--Mrs.
+Lincoln's Party--"Insine Stebbins, of the Downingville Insensibles,
+Writes a Paradox for the Occasion"--The Major gets Angry--Lincoln
+Tells a Story About Virginia Mud.                                  23
+
+
+LETTER III.
+
+The Major has an Attack of the Ague and Fever--Begins to get the
+Hang of Matters at Washington--Mr. Lincoln's Improvement in
+"Military Nollege"--Studying "Stratygims" for Gen. McClellan--The
+Major Suggests a Difficulty--Mr. Stanton Called on--The Negroes at
+Port Royal--"The Nigger-Teachin Fever"--Deacon Jenkins' Daughter
+goes to Port Royal to Teach the Negroes.                           32
+
+
+LETTER IV.
+
+A Delegation Calls upon the President--The Major Indignant--Mr.
+Lincoln Tells a Story--Curious Composition of the Republican
+Party--Difficulty of Keeping it Together--The President Hopes to do
+it by "Sloshin About"--Deacon Jenkins Again--He is a Temperance Man,
+but Takes a Glass of Old Rye.                                      40
+
+
+LETTER V.
+
+A Blue Time--The Major Wins a Hat of the President--The Richmond
+Expedition of Gen. McClellan--Mr. Lincoln's Trick on the Major--A
+Letter from Jerusha Matilda Jenkins--She gives her Experience in
+Negro-Teaching--Priscella Huggins and Elder Sniffles--Cloe, the
+Negro Girl who "Could not be Good unless she was Licked"--A Negro
+Meeting--Dancing and Singing--The Unpleasant Odor--Negroes Steal
+Miss Huggins' Clothes--They Purloin Jerusha's Petticoat--It is
+Thought that their Religion is not "Very Deep"--Mr. Lincoln Hears
+the Letter Read--He Declares that Port Royal is a "Cussed Hole"
+--Deacon Jenkins Shocked--He Proves it by the Scriptures.          48
+
+
+LETTER VI.
+
+The Question of the "Contrybands"--Lincoln and the Major Discuss
+it--The Major tells a Story--Shows Mr. Lincoln That the Government
+is out of Order--Says it's a "Dimmycratic Machine," and that
+Seward and Chase don't know How to Run it--They are Like Old Jim
+Dumbutter and the Thrashing Machine--The Major Tells Another
+Story--"The Kernel" Gets a Joke on Seward--Tells a Story about the
+"Giascutis."                                                       59
+
+
+LETTER VII.
+
+War "Noose"--The President's Anxiety--Mr. Lincoln Determines to
+Apply "the Principle"--The Story of Zenas Homespun--The Major's
+Views on Negroes--Poetry--The Emancipation Ball--The Major going to
+"Cifer" on the Finances.                                           67
+
+
+LETTER VIII.
+
+Matters get Confused--The "Kernel and the Major" Compelled to go
+to Fortress Monroe to Straighten Things Out--Mr. Lincoln takes his
+Revolver--The Major Sticks to His Hickory--Arrival at Fort Monroe
+--They go on a "Tippergraphical Rekonnisanze"--A Night Alarm--
+Secretary Stanton tries to get on the President's Pantaloons.      75
+
+
+LETTER IX.
+
+The Major Figures on the "Nashinal Debt"--Horse Contracts and
+"Abolishin Preechers"--Banks Defeated--The Major Suggests a
+New-Fashioned Shield, expressly for Retreats--A Wheelbarrow for
+every Soldier!--Excitement in Washington--The President not Scared
+"a Hooter."                                                        82
+
+
+LETTER X.
+
+The Major Troubled with his Old Complaint, the "Rumatics"--He
+Examines the Finances--Mr. Chase Frightened--The Major Figures up
+the Accounts on His Slate--Returns and Shows the Result to Mr.
+Lincoln--He is Astounded--The "Kernel and the Major" take some Old
+Rye--The Major Proposes to Return to Downingville to Spend the
+Fourth of July.                                                    88
+
+
+LETTER XI.
+
+The Major does not go to Downingville--Loses His Hickory--Gets a
+Bottle of Whiskey by Adams Express Co.--The Major declines to Sign
+the Receipt at First--Whiskey and the Constitution--"The
+Constitushinal Teliskope"--A Magical Change--Mr. Seward's Trick--
+The Major discovers it--A Negro in It.                             99
+
+
+LETTER XII.
+
+The Major Disappointed--Meets the President at West Point--Sees Gen.
+Scott--They Talk over Strategy--Returns to Philadelphia with the
+President--Makes a Speech at Jersey City--Mr. Lincoln also
+Speaks--Meets Seward at the Astor House--A Wheel within a Wheel--
+Mr. Seward Caught.                                                108
+
+
+LETTER XIII.
+
+The Major Returns to Washington--Things Get Mixed Up--Lincoln and
+the Panther--Splitting Rails and the Union--The Major and the
+President Visit Gen. McClellan's Army--Going up James River--Alarm
+of the Rebels--Exciting Scene on Board the Boat--Nobody hurt--The
+President Reviews the Troops at Harrison's Landing--The Return
+Trip--The President and Party Bathe in the Potomac--Almost a
+Catastrophe--The Major's Life-Preserver--The Moral of it--The
+President Proposes a Conundrum.                                   116
+
+
+LETTER XIV.
+
+The President has an Attack of Fever and Ague--The Major Prescribes
+Elder-Bark Tea--A Fearful Mistake--The Bark Scraped the Wrong
+Way--Mr. Lincoln has to be Rolled--Stanton, Seward and the Major--
+A Ludicrous Scene--The "Kernel" comes to and Begins to Joke--The
+Moral of taking the wrong Medicine--"The Irrepressible Conflict." 125
+
+
+LETTER XV.
+
+Gen. McClellan's Change of Base--A Bear Story--A Delegation of
+Clergymen--The Major's Opinion on Negroes and "Edecated Peepel"--How
+General Jackson Saw Through Them--How the War is to End--Mr. Lincoln
+tells Another Story.                                              133
+
+
+LETTER XVI.
+
+The Science of "Military Strutegy"--The Major's Opinion upon it--A
+Call from the Secretary of the American and Foreign Benevolent
+Society for Ameliorating the Condition of the Colored Race--His
+Speech--The President's Reply--A Curious Prayer--The Major's Opinion
+on Slavery--The Critical Condition of Affairs--Mr. Lincoln Tells a
+Story.                                                            141
+
+
+LETTER XVII.
+
+A Cabinet Meeting--The President Calls for the Opinion of Each
+Member--Speeches of Seward, Chase, Stanton, Blair, Welles, Smith
+and Bates--The Major Called on for an Opinion--The Peperage Log
+Story--The Major Proposes an Armistice--No Conclusion Arrived at. 150
+
+
+LETTER XVIII.
+
+The Major not Ill--The President has "the Gripes"--The Witch-Hazel
+Medicine--Going to the bottom of a Subject--The Democrats and the
+War--The Emancipation Proclamation--A Visit to Gen. McClellan's
+Army--The Soldiers Cool--Mr. Lincoln tells a Story--"Sloshing
+About."                                                           159
+
+
+LETTER XIX.
+
+The President Nervous--The State Elections--Mr. Lincoln Astonished
+--He takes Cordial--Mr. Seward Turns Democrat--The Major tells a
+Story--Mr. Seward and the Major Take a Drink--How John Van Buren
+got Gen. Scott's Letter--Mr. Stanton on the Elections.            168
+
+
+LETTER XX.
+
+The New York Election--Mr. Lincoln tells a Story--Cannot do Justice
+to the Subject--Mr. Lincoln Feels Bad--The Major Amuses him by a
+Joke--How to get up a Message--Keeping a Party Together--The
+Excelsior Political Prepared Glue--The Different Stripes of
+Abolitionists--Boating on the Mississippi River--Poleing Along.   175
+
+
+LETTER XXI.
+
+The Message--A Cabinet Council--Speeches of Seward, Chase, Stanton,
+Welles, Blair and Bates--Mr. Lincoln tells a Story--The Major gives
+His Opinion--Mr. Chase Accuses Him of Disloyalty--The Major Demands
+a Retraction--It is Given.                                        182
+
+
+LETTER XXII.
+
+The Message Finished--Mr. Sumner says it is not Grammatical--The
+Major's Excuse--Mr. Sumner Finds Fault with the Major's Spelling
+--The Major Stumps Him--He Gives His Views on "Edication"--Mr.
+Lincoln Proposes a Conundrum--The Major tells a Story--Mr.
+Seward's Opinion on the War.                                      191
+
+
+LETTER XXIII.
+
+The Major Goes to See the Postmaster-General about Stopping
+Papers--Mr. Blair Promises to Release Them--The President Again in
+Trouble--A Change in the Cabinet Demanded--The Major Suggests a
+Remedy for "the Crysis."                                          199
+
+
+LETTER XXIV.
+
+The Emancipation Proclamation--The Way to Get to Richmond--Splitting
+the Union--The Major tells a Story about Splitting--The President
+Gets Indignant--Seizes the Boot-jack--The Major Pacifies Him--A
+Dream--The Major Returns to Downingville.                         207
+
+
+LETTER XXV.
+
+The Major Feels Sorrowful over the Fate of His Country--The Story of
+the Black Heifer--The Man who Made a "Siss"--The Union--"Insine"
+Stebbins Again--His Reception at Downingville--"The Insensibles"--A
+Provoking Accident.                                               214
+
+
+LETTER XXVI.
+
+The Democratic Party Whipped--Things as bad as they can be--A Story
+in Point--Mr. Lincoln sends for the Major again--The Major writes
+him a Letter--The Return of "Kernel" Stebbins, formerly "Insine"
+--His Reception at Downingville--"Kernel" Doolittle's Speech--
+"Kernel" Stebbins' Reply--Elder Sniffles' Preaches a Sermon.      221
+
+
+LETTER XXVII.
+
+The Major starts for Washington--Takes his Axe with Him--Mr. Lincoln
+Glad to see Him--The Cabinet in Session--The opinion of Seward,
+Chase, Stanton and others--The Major called on for an opinion--The
+Story of Old Sam Odum--Mr. Stanton gets Excited.                  228
+
+
+LETTER XXVIII.
+
+The Major and the "Kernel" at work on the Message--The Major visits
+Mr. Chase again--Sees the Machines for Printing Greenbacks--A
+Machine for every General--The Accounts mixed Up--Mr. Lincoln gets
+Flighty over them--The Major Puts him to bed, and applies a
+mustard-plaster--He Revives, and proposes a Conundrum--The Major
+also proposes one.                                                235
+
+
+LETTER XXIX.
+
+The Trouble about the Message--Chase and Seward Find Fault with
+it--The Story of Old Deacon Grimes' Oven--Mr. Lincoln Overrun with
+Visitors--The Major Suggests a Way to Get Rid of Them--The Small Pox
+dodge--The Message Finished--Mr. Lincoln tells a Story.           242
+
+
+LETTER XXX.
+
+The Major visits Parson Blair--The Loyal Leaguers of the White
+House--A Wonderful Dream--The Grave of the Union--The President
+Don't Like It--About Leather--How the Capital Looks.              248
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION.
+
+
+DOWNINGVILLE, July 15, 1864.
+
+_To the Editors of the Da-Book_:
+
+SURS: I got your letter tellin me that Mister Bromley and Kumpany
+wanted to print my letters in book form, and as you seem to think they
+understand such kind of work, and are proper persons to do it, I ain't
+got eny perticaler objecshins. It is now jest thirty years sence my
+first Book of Letters was printed by Harper and Kumpany, but I hear
+that they have turned Abolishinists sence then, and if that is so, I
+wouldn't let 'em print a book of mine for love nor money.
+
+After I got your letter, I sot down and writ the Kernel, askin his
+opinion as to printin the Letters in book form, and he wrote back to me
+rite off, saying I must do it without fale. The Kernel has got 'em all
+cut out of the papers and put in a scrap book, but it's kinder onhandy,
+and he wants to get 'em in better shape. I've promised him that you
+would send him a copy jest as soon as it was out, and you must not fale
+to tell Bromley and Kumpany to do so. I also writ the Kernel that I
+thought it would be a good idee to issue a Proclamashin, ordering all
+the people to buy the book, espeshilly the Loyal Leegers, the soldiers
+in the army, all the Tax-Collectors, Custom-House Officers,
+Provo-Marshalls, Postmasters, Copperheads, War Dimmecrats,
+Abolishinists, Black Republikins, etc., etc. The Kernel sed it was a
+capital idee, and he told me to write it for him. He sed Seward had
+wrote most all of his Proclamashins, but he would trust me to write
+this. He sed he looked upon my letters as "Pub. Doc," and hence
+Congrissmen ought to frank 'em, and reed 'em, too. He said he didn't
+mind the little jokes in 'em on him, for ef there was anything on arth
+he could forgive a man for, it was for makin a joke. He didn't see how
+eny one who knew enuf to make one could help doin it.
+
+So I have writ a Proclamashin, which you will find at the bottom of
+this letter, which you can print with it. I think when Ginneral Banks,
+and Rosykrans, and all them Ginnerals who sometimes stop books and
+papers, read it, they will understand that it will not answer to
+interfere with my book.
+
+There is one thing that makes me a little bashful about publishin a
+book. My eddicashin was not very well taken keer of when I was a boy,
+and the consequence is, I ain't quite so smart in grammer and spellin
+as sum peepil. But one thing is certain, I allers make myself
+understood, and that, after all, is the main thing. I want Bromley and
+Kumpany to fix up the spellin a leetle, and then I think the book will
+pass muster.
+
+I don't ever expect to live to write anuther book; in fact, I don't
+want to. I have labored as hard for the good of my kentry as any man in
+it, and yet I've lived to see it all go to rack and ruin. I don't raly
+know whether I shall write anuther letter, for a man of my years don't
+feel like such work. But there is one thing I feel sure of. Though the
+clouds look dark and black now, and though I don't expect to live to
+see everything all rite again, yet the Dimmocracy will triumph in the
+end. There is no blottin that out. It is in the natur of things. Peepel
+are naterally Dimmocrats, so old Ginneral Jackson used to say, and it
+takes a good deal of hard lying to make 'em enything else. Sometimes
+the liars get the upper-hand for a time, jest as they have now, but it
+can't last always.
+
+I don't want you to put any preface to my book, for I have most always
+found that prefaces are filled full of falsehoods. I jest want my book
+to go on its merits, if it has eny. I've tried to tell the truth about
+politics, as I understand it, and ef Linkin had only taken my advice,
+the kentry would now be nigh about as good as new. But he wouldn't do
+it, and so I've left him to get out of the scrape he is in the best way
+he can. The Kernel, however, don't think any the less of me because
+I've been plane with him. He thinks my idees of niggers are all rong,
+and I think his are all rong, and there is jest where we split, for
+turn this question upside down or inside out, and, after all, the
+nigger is at the bottom of it. Jest as a man's idees run on niggers,
+jest about in that style will be his views on the war. Take an
+out-an-out Abolishinist, who thinks niggers are a little better than
+white folks, and he is for subjugashin, confiskashin, and exterminashin
+to the bitter end. Ef he thinks niggers are jest as good as white
+folks, but no better, then he is a little milder on the South; and so
+on down through every grade of a war man, the bitterness agin the South
+runs jest about even with the ignorince about niggers. Finally, the man
+who knows jest what niggers are fit for and what they need to make 'em
+useful and happy, is the strongest opponent of the war. So you see this
+proves that the nigger is at the bottom of the hull war.
+
+There are, however, a good many things that make matters worse.
+Greenbacks, offices, &c. are terribul upon corruptin the peepul. Almost
+every other man has an office now-a-days, and them that ain't got
+office are interested in greenbacks. It will take a hard pull to get
+the present party out of power; but ef the Dimmocrats will only be
+honest and plucky, they can do it. I want to live long enuff to vote
+the Dimmocratic ticket this fall, and help do it.
+
+Yours till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING
+
+                 *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A. LINKIN'S PROCLAMASHIN CONCERNING MAJER JACK DOWNING'S BOOK.
+
+    "WASHINGTON, July 15, 1864.
+
+    "Whereas, my friend, Majer Jack Downing, of the Downingville
+    Milisha, has issued a Book of Letters, containing his views on
+    Public Affairs, the War, &c., &c.
+
+    "Now, therefore, I do hereby issue this my Proclamashin, enjoyning
+    upon every loyal as well as disloyal citisen, includin Loyal
+    Leegers, Abolishinists, Republikans, War Dimmocrats, Copperheads,
+    Clay Banks, Charcoals, &c., to buy this book and to read the same,
+    under penalty of the confiscation of all their property, including
+    niggers of every decripshin. Furthermore, all officers under me,
+    whether civil, military, or otherwise, are hereby ordered, under
+    penalty of court marshal, to purchase the sed book and read it.
+    This order applies to all Postmasters and their clerks (who are
+    also ordered to assist in the sale of the book), to all
+    Custom-House officials, to all Provo-Marshalls, to all Tax
+    Collectors, Assessors, Recruteing officers, Runners, Brokers,
+    Bounty Jumpers, and espeshally to all Government Swindlers,
+    Contractors, Defaulters, &c., to all Furrin Ambassadors, Ministers
+    Penetentiaries, and their Secretaries of Litigation, also to
+    Ministers of the Gospil, Tract Distributers, Nigger Missionaries,
+    male and female, &c., &c. Furthermore, Ginnerals Grant, Sherman,
+    and all other Ginnerals, includin Ginneral Banks, will see to it
+    that the Majer's letters are widely circulated in their armies, as
+    the menny good stories of mine, as well as the Majer's, in the
+    book, will keep the sojers in good sperits.
+
+    "Furthermore, if eny disloyal edditer shall presume to say enything
+    against this book, or advise eny person not to sell or circulate
+    the same, or aid and abet them in so doing, he shall at once be
+    arrested and his paper stopped.
+
+    "Further, if eny person, in order to avoid the penalties mentioned
+    above, shall borrow said book, he shall, if it be proved, be fined
+    $1000 in gold. If there be no proof, he shall be sent to Fort La
+    Fayette.
+
+    "Finally, every person purchasing a copy of the Majer's Letters
+    shall be exempt from the draft. All others are at once to be seized
+    and sent to the front.
+
+    "Done in this my city of Washington, in the fourth year of my
+    reign.
+
+    "A. LINKIN."
+
+
+
+
+LETTERS OF MAJOR JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER I.
+
+_The Major Announces that he "Still Lives"--The Reason why he has
+not Spoken before--Writes to "President Linkin," who at once Sends
+for him--How Lincoln Shakes Hands--His Troubles--The Major's Advice
+--Lincoln to get an "Appintment on Gineral McClellan's Staff"--A
+Story About Old Rye, from Mr. Lincoln._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Feb. 4th, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin, New York:_
+
+SURS: I 'spose eenamost everybody believed I wus ded, 'cause they 'aint
+seen any letters of mine in the papers for a good while. But it taint
+so. I'me alive, and though I can't kick quite as spry as I used to, yet
+I kin ride a hossback about as good as I could twenty year ago. I am
+now nigh on eighty years old, and yet, except getting tuckered out
+easier than I used to, I believe I feel jest about as smart as I did
+when I was a boy. The last letters I writ fer the papers was about ten
+years ago, when I went all around the country with Kossoot, and showed
+him the sights. Sence then I've been livin' in Downingville, county of
+Penobscot, State of Maine, and enjoyin' in gineral a good state of
+helth. But if the public haint heard from me it taint because I wasn't
+keepin' a close eye on matters and things. But the sartin truth is jest
+here: I seen, a good while ago, how things was shapin'. I told Kossoot
+that the pesky Abolishunests would ruin him, and thay did, and I've
+knowed for a long time that thay would run this country off the
+Dimokratic track and smash it all to flinders. Wall, they've done it.
+You may wunder why I haint spoke and told the country all this before.
+Wall, the reason is jest here: I saw that the breechin' was broke some
+years ago, and there is no use of talkin or hollerin "whoa!" "whoa!"
+after that. I've seen the laziest old hoss that ever lived kick and run
+like all possessed as soon as the shafts tetched his heels, and that's
+jest the condishun we've been in in this country for some time. We've
+been kickin' and runnin' and raisin' the old scratch ginerally for ten
+years, all about these darned kinky-heded niggers. As there is no use
+of tryin' to stop a runaway hoss after the breechin' brakes until he
+gets to the bottom of the hill, so there is no use of talkin' to a
+country while it is goin' in the same direcshun. Didn't Noah preech to
+a hull generashun of aunty-Deluvens, and it warn't any use. They lafed
+him rite in the face; and cum round him and axed what he intended to do
+with a boat full of chicken coops, hoss stables, and so on. And at
+last, when the rain begun to cum down like all possessed, they swore it
+"warn't much of a freshet arter all." Wall, jest so it is with this
+generashun. I spect the _aunty_-slaveryites are sum relashun to the
+_aunty_-Deluvens, and that accounts for their simelur behaveyur.
+
+But I think that we've got most to the bottom of the hill now, and it
+is about time to get things rited up in some sort of shape. Havin come
+to this conclushin, about ten days ago I wrote a letter to President
+Linkin, tellin him how that Gineral Jackson's old friend was yet alive,
+and that if he wanted my sarvices or advice I would come on to
+Washington and help him thro'. Wall, I got a letter rite back, in which
+Linkin said he "was tickled all into a heap to hear that Gineral
+Jackson's old friend, Major Jack Downing, was still alive, and that he
+wanted me to cum on to Washington rite off." So I put off, like shot
+off a shovel, and dident even stop in York a day, or I should have
+called to see you. The truth is, I'me darned glad I cum. I went rite up
+to the White House, which looks as nateral as when Gineral Jackson and
+I lived there, and sent in my keerd. In a minnit the sarvent cum back,
+and ses he, "walk up." I went up-stairs, and then into Linkin's room,
+and you never seed a feller gladder to see a man than he was to see me.
+He got hold of my hand, and ses he, "Major, you are a brick. I've
+thought a thousand times that if I only had such a friend as Gineral
+Jackson had in you, that I could git along as easy as snuff. But ye
+see, Major, all these pollyticens are a set of tarnel hyppercrits, and
+I hate 'em." And he kept talkin and shakin my hand until I thot hed
+sprain my rist. So I ses, "Mr. Linkin, I can't stand hard squeezin as
+well as I used to, so don't hold on quite so hard." Then he apologized,
+and said "how he was so anxus to see me that he was almost crazy." I
+told him that "I hed cum to see him through, jist as I did Gineral
+Jackson, and that I would stick by him as long as their was a shirt to
+his back, if he would only do rite."
+
+"Wall," ses he, "Major, that is jist what I want to do. But its awful
+hard work to tell what is rite. Here I am pulled first one way and then
+tother."
+
+Now, ses I, "Linkin, I'me goin to talk rite out to you. The fact is,
+there never was a President that had such a party at his back as you've
+got. You see its made up of old Whigs, Abolitionists and free sile
+Dimmycrats. Now, there ain't any more rale mixture to this
+conglommyrate than there is to ile and water. The truth is, I'd as soon
+take Illinoy muck, and Jersey mud, and Massachusetts cobble stuns to
+make a fine coat mortar of, as I would to get such materials to put
+into a pollytical party. You can't never make them gee."
+
+"Wal," ses he, "Major, I've began to think that way myself. The truth
+is, I've been trying all summer to please everybody, and the more I try
+to do it the more I don't succeed. When I am conservative, then the
+aunty-slaveryites come down on me like all possessed, with old Hor_ass_
+Gree_lie_ at their hed. When I go a little t'other way, then the
+conservatives and my old neighbors, the Kentuckians, they come down
+upon me, and that takes me right off the handle. I can't stand it. So
+you see, Major, I'm in hot water all the time."
+
+"I see your troubles," ses I, "Mr. Linkin, and I'll have to look about
+some days afore I can get the exact hang of things, but as soon as I
+do, I'll make matters as clear as a pipe stem."
+
+"Wal," ses he, "Major, I want you to make yourself to hum, and jist
+call for anything you want."
+
+I told him there warn't but two things that I keered for except
+victuals, and that was a pipe and tobacco, and jist a little old rye,
+now and then. That gave him the hint, and Linkin rang a bell, and a
+sneakin lookin feller, in putty bad clothes, made his appearance.
+Linkin told him to get some tobacco and the black bottle. The feller
+soon fetched them in, and Linkin said that that "old rye" was twenty
+years old, and jist about the best licker he ever drank. He said he
+found it very good to quiet his nerves after a hard day's work. I told
+him that that was jist what Gineral Jackson always said--"Did he?" ses
+Linkin; "Wal," ses he, "I only want to imitate Jackson. That would be
+glory enough for me."
+
+"Wal, now," ses I, "Linkin, the first thing you must do, in order to be
+poplar, is to be a military man. That was the way Jackson got up in the
+world, and if I had never been a Major, I really believe I'de never
+been heerd of out of Downingville. Now, jist as soon as the people
+believe you are an officer, with epaulettes on, they'll think you are
+the greatest man that ever lived."
+
+"Wal," ses Linkin, "I think that is a first chop idea. How can it be
+carried out?"
+
+"Wal," ses I, "you must get _an appintment on Gin. McClellan's staff_!
+with the rank of _Kernel_. Nothing short of that will answer at all.
+Then get a splendid uniform and a fine hoss, and have the papers
+describe them, and get up pictures, and the shop-keepers will have
+their windows full of lithographs, and in six months you will be the
+most poplar man in the country, and sure to be next President."
+
+When I sed that, he jumped right up, and ses he, "Major, you're worth
+your weight in gold. You have hit the nail right on the head. I'll do
+it; by the Eternal, I'll settle this trouble yet."
+
+"That's the talk," ses I. "Just put your foot down, and let it stay
+down, and you may be sure it will all come out right."
+
+Then Linkin sed to me, ses he, "Major, take a good swig of this old
+rye. If you feel sick, have got a cold, or looseness in the bowells, or
+need physic, or have got the rheumatiz, or pane in the back, or the
+headache, there's nothen like old rye to set you on your pins just as
+good as new. Why, Major, let me tell you a story:--There was a feller
+out West, who got a splinter in his foot. He was splittin' rails one
+day, and the axe glanced off, and sent a piece of chestnut timber in
+his heel about as big as an axe-handle. Wal, he tried everything on
+'arth. Finally, he came to me, and I gave him some old rye, and the
+splinter came out in five minutes afterwards."
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Linkin, that is a purty good story, and old rye is a
+capital drink, but as for medicin', giv' me my old stuff, elderberry
+bark tea. It's handy to use. Scrape it downwards, and it makes a fust
+rate fisic, and scrape it upwards it is a capital emetic. The only
+danger is that you scrape it round-about-ways, when it stirs up a young
+earthquake in a man's bowells equal to Mount Vesuvius on a bust.
+Kossoot made a mistake of this kind once, and I had to hed him up in a
+flour barrel, and roll him round the room afore he cum to."
+
+When Linkin heard how I rolled Kossoot in a flour barrel, he laid back
+and larfed as hard as he could roar, and said he hadn't felt in such
+good spirits since he had been in Washington.
+
+I telled him he musn't get the blews, and that I should cheer him up.
+Then he tuk me by the han' and bid me a very feelin' good-night, and
+the feller in bad clothes showed me to my room. I slept as sound as a
+bug in a rug all night, and feel good as new this mornin'.
+
+I shall soon get things straightened out here, I hope, and if anything
+interestin' happens, you may hear from me agin.
+
+Your friend till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER II.
+
+_Deacon Jenkins, of Downingville, Sent for to Cut and Make the
+President's Uniform--A Provoking Accident--Mr. Lincoln Tells a
+Story--The Major as a "Commentater" on the Constitution--Mrs. Lincoln's
+Party--"Insine Stebbins, of the Downingville Insensibles, Writes a
+Paradox for the Occasion"--The Major gets Angry--Lincoln Tells a Story
+About Virginia Mud._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Feb. 15, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin_:
+
+SURS:--Didn't I tell you that, as soon as I got here, I would straiten
+things out? You never see a happier man, now-a-days, than Linkin is.
+When I cum here he was eenamost reddy to go into a hasty consumpshin.
+He had been lettin things go on at loose eends, with two or three
+fellers managing things, and they were eternally pullin' jest as many
+ways. Linkin had been in the habit of sayin' that he warnt no military
+man. I telled him he must stop that at onct--that he knowed jest as
+much as eny of 'em. So when I told him he must be a Kernel, he at once
+went in for it. Wal, I hev bin jist as busy as a bee in a tar bucket
+gettin' his solger clothes reddy. I sent clear to Maine to get Deacon
+Jenkins, who made all the clothes for the Downingville Insensibles, and
+he arrived here last week. It ain't no easy matter to cut for Linkin's
+figer, but I knowed the Deacon could do it, if eny body on arth could.
+But Deacon Jenkins, you see, is a small, stumpy man, not much longer
+than he is wide--while Linkin is eenamost as tall as a rail, and mity
+near as slim. Wal, I hadn't thought of this; so when the Deacon cum he
+couldn't measure Linkin round the neck for a military stand up coller,
+eny more than he could climb a been pole. Linkin sed he'd git down on
+his nees, or on all fores, if necessary, but I wouldn't let him, 'cause
+it would be wantin' in dignity. So I got two cheers, and laid a board
+acrost 'em, and Deacon Jenkins got up on 'em. While he was standin'
+ther, the board broke, and down come the Deacon rite on the floor,
+makin' the White House all shake agin. He turned dredful red in the
+face, but Linkin sed "it warnt a suckemstance to a fall he onct had out
+of a chestnut tree. He sed, when he was a boy he used to go out, and
+jest for a breakfast spell split a load of rails. One mornin' he clumb
+a tree to get some young crows out of a nest, and the lim broke and
+down he cum full thirty feet. Sum people thought he was ded, but he
+allers believed it was the resin he was so tall, for he started groin
+rite off after that, and didn't stop till he was six feet five inches!"
+
+[Illustration: "While he was standin' there, the boord broke, and down
+cum the Deacon rite on the floor."--Page 24.]
+
+By the time Linkin got tru tellin' his story, the Deacon hed got up on
+the cheers agin and tuk the measure. Then he hed the clothes made, and
+in three days they cum hum all rite. Wal, I wish the hull country could
+see the Kernel (I call him Kernel all the time now) in his new clothes.
+He looks like a new man, and, what is more, he acts like a new one.
+
+The other day I telled him he must giv the orders to the new Seckretary
+of War, but he kinder held back, and sed he didn't like tu take too
+much on his shoulders at onct. Besides, he didn't feel it was right for
+a Kernel tu dictate in that way. Then I telled him that the place was
+only a complimentery one, but that he was raley a Ginneral and a
+Commydore all in one. Wal, he sed "he couldn't see intu that." Them I
+telled him how that the Constetushin sed that he was "Commander-in-Cheef
+of the Army and Navy," and that that made him a Ginneral and a
+Commydore. Wen I sed that, he jumped out of his cheer and ses he,
+"Majer, you are jest about the keenest commentater on the Constetushin
+I ever heerd talk. Why, Majer, ef I had only thought of that, I would
+hev put it into my Inaugerole. Wouldn't it hev made a sensashin?"
+
+Wal, ever since the Kernel has tuk the ribbins into his hands, he has
+been puttin' things rite thru, and victeries hev cum along jest as fast
+as possibul. Linkin is a terribul feller to work wen he has a mind to.
+He run Secketary Stantin into a fit of the vertegris the very furst
+week he went into the harniss, and as for the other members of the
+Cabbynet, there ain't one that kin hold a kandil to him.
+
+Ther's bin a terribul time about the financies since I hev bin here;
+but the victeries in Kentuckee and Rowingoak hev made a good many long
+faces look as good-natured as ef the Union was all rite agin. I telled
+Ginneral Wilsin, from Massa-chew-sits, the other day, that he orter
+vote a gold meddle to the President in honer of the good noose, but
+Somnure wanted to insart the Wilmut Proviso in the bill, and so I
+wouldn't hev nothin to du with it. I don' expec' that, after all,
+they'll be willin' to giv' Linkin the credit he desarves, for ther'
+ain't a man here, from a Senatur in Congriss down to a sargant of the
+hoss mareens, who don't expec' tu be next President.
+
+Wall, I hev run on so about politicks and so forth, that I eenamost
+forgot to tell you about Mrs. Linkin's party. I've seen a good many big
+things in that way sence I was a boy, but this was a leetle ahead of
+all. The sojers, and the wimmen, and the cabbynet, and the forren
+Ministers Pennitenshery, with their Seckateries of Litegashin, were all
+ther. The tables were all kivered over with sugar frost, eenamost as
+white as a Maine snow bank, and Mrs. Linkin luked like a young gal jest
+out of schule. The way she did intertane the kumpany was a caushin to
+peepul who don't know the ropes. Insine Stebbins, of the Downingville
+Insensibles, was ther, and ef ther is a smart feller in the army, the
+Insine is one. He kin rite poetry almost equil to Longfeller, and as
+for singin', the Italian band-ditty can't begin with him. Wen the
+kumpany were sot down to the table, Deacon Jenkins was kalled on to say
+grace, and wen they got thru, the hull kumpany kalled on Insine
+Stebbins to sing a paradox which he had kumposed specially for the
+occashin, as follers:
+
+    From Varmount's icy mountins,
+      From licker hatin' Maine,
+    Where streems of goldin wisky
+      Go strate agin the grane;
+    From menny a country cawkis,
+      From menny a country shop,
+    We cum to greet thee, Linkin,
+      At this here Linkin hop!
+
+    Wot tho' the Nor'-West breezes
+      Blow sum o'er Georgetown hill,
+    And likewise also freezes
+      The troops at Turner's Mill?
+    Wat tho' the army hosses
+      Die off for want of food?
+    We'll drink Old Rye with Abram,
+      Because Old Rye is good.
+
+    Wot tho' the Yankee nashin
+      Pores out the warlike flud,
+    And sogers of all stashin
+      Are stashined in the mud?
+    Wot tho' the sly contracters
+      Defraud us rite and left,
+    And Uncle Sam's old stockin'
+      Of all his cash is reft?
+
+    Wot tho' the taxis plague us,
+      And heeps of corn must spile,
+    Wile poor folks three times over
+      Their coffee-grounds must bile?
+    Does not grate Dr. Cheever,
+      (And shall he speke in vain?)
+    Command us to delivur
+      The land from slavery's chane?
+
+    Shall we whose harts are litened
+      With Rye, and cake and wine,
+    Shall we to Cuff and Dinah
+      Give nought but crust and rine?
+    Abolition! Abolition!
+      The joyful sound proclame,
+    Till each remotest nigger
+      Has learned the Linkin name!
+
+"Amen! seel-er!" yelled out Deacon Jenkins, at the very tip-top of his
+voice, wile nigh about the hull kumpany seemed to be hily tickled,
+except Linkin and his wife and me. I was so mad that I eenamost bust my
+biler. I went rite strate up to the Insine, and ses I, "Insine
+Stebbins, I knowed you and Deacon Jenkins was both red-hot
+Abolishunests, but I tho't all the folks in Downingville had kommun
+sence, and wood know better than to interduce pollyticks on a festiv
+occashin, specially anything faverabul to Cheever and Gree-lie and
+kumpany, who are the hull time abusin' Linkin and Mrs. Linkin." Then
+the Insine said that Sumnure had helped him rite the paradox, jest on
+purpose to see how Linkin wood like it. "Wal," I told him, "that that
+was jest as much sence as well as manners as I shud expect from
+Sumnure." Then Deacon Jenkins cum up and sed sumthing, and I lit on him
+for hollerin' "Amen" rite afore the hull diplomatick core, jest as ef
+he'd been at a prayer meetin' in the Downingville schule house. Mrs.
+Linkin was very much pleased at the way I laid down the law to the
+Deacon. The Kernel didn't say much, but looked daggers out of his ize,
+and seemed nigh about as cross as a cross-cut saw all the rest of the
+evenin'. The bawl, how-sumever, went off in all other respecs in furst
+rate stile, and Mrs. Linkin is now regarded as the very a-leet of
+fashin.
+
+There's not much else that's new this week. The roads have been in an
+impassabul condishin for some time, and unless some feller kin invent a
+patent rite for settin' them up edge ways to drene, I don't believe
+they'll be scasely settled before the summer solstis. I telled Linkin I
+never seed such mud in my born days. "Wal," ses he, "let me tell you a
+story about mud. Virginny can't hold a kandel to Illinoy in that
+respect. One time a man was travellin' 'long the road jest a little
+nor-east of Springfield, wen he found a hat layin' in the mud, rite in
+the middel of the road. He stepped out keerful to get it, and he was
+all struck up a heep to find a man's hed under it, and he in the mud
+clean up to his very chin. 'Darn my pectur, nabor, if you ain't in a
+fix. Cum, let me git hold of you, and I'll help pull you out.' 'No!
+No!' sed the feller in the mud, spittin' out the dirty water; 'No! No!
+I don't want your help--much ableeged to you--for I've got a good hoss
+under me, and he'll fetch me out as sure as preachin!'"
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I shan't try to match that story to-day." The
+truth is, that I didn't feel like it. I've bin kinder under the wether
+since the bawl. Washington is a terrible place for nager and fever, and
+all kinds of billyus kemplantes. One of the President's leetle shavers
+has bin dangrus sick for sum daze, but I hope he'll rekiver.
+
+I got yuere letter tellin' me that sum of yuere subscriburs wanted me
+to rite a letter every week for yuere paper. Wal, I will, if I kin, but
+I can't promis sartin. You see an old man nigh on eighty years old
+don't feel jest limber enuf to rite at any and all times, but wenever I
+hevn't got the lumbager or rumatiz, and my ideas ain't froze up, you'll
+heer from me, once in two weeks, and perhaps oftener, wen the weather
+gets more stedy.
+
+Your friend,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER III.
+
+_The Major has an Attack of the Ague and Fever--Begins to get the
+Hang of Matters at Washington--Mr. Lincoln's Improvement in "Military
+Nollege"--Studying "Stratygims" for Gen. McClellan--The Major Suggests
+a Difficulty--Mr. Stanton Called on--The Negroes at Port Royal--"The
+Nigger Teachin Fever"--Deacon Jenkins' Daughter goes to Port Royal to
+Teach the Negroes._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, March 1st, 1862.
+
+_To the Editurs of The Cawcashin:_
+
+I've had a terribul fit of the ager sence I writ yu last, and one time
+I thought it was about "nip and go tuck" wether the ager or natur wud
+whip, but I've got a strong constetushin and it cum out best, as it
+allers has so far in life. Linkin, too, has been kinder under the
+wether. The loss of his little boy affected him terribully. Ef it
+hadn't ben for the good noose and the Union victories I don't know how
+we could have got along. But we are all gettin' better very fast now,
+and things begin to look brighter.
+
+I begin to get the hang of matters here now, and the way Linkin and
+Stantin and me will settle affairs before long will be a cawshin.
+Stantin is a steem injine in breeches. The grate trubbul Linkin now has
+is the Abolishinests. They are tryin' to drive him to free all the
+niggers down South, and all the preechers, moril reformers and
+lecterers are constantly writin' letters here prayin' Linkin to go rite
+on and turn the niggers all loose. Sometimes we get as many as three
+bushels of letters in one mornin', from the strong-minded wimmin and
+week-minded men in the North, who don't know any more about niggers
+than they do about the man in the moon. Linkin don't pretend to read
+'em or even take a look at 'em. He told me one day that I might look
+'em over, and see ef thar wus enny sence in enny of 'em, but I couldn't
+find ennything but texts of Scriptur, and sams and hims and extracts
+from Gree_lie's_ paper and Cheevur's sarmons. Wen I told Linkin that he
+sed he didn't want to know enny more about 'em, for he had had about
+enuff of such pesky fanaticks. I kin jist tell them fellers that are
+writin' here such long letters, that it aint any use.
+
+But the grate subject that has occupied the attenshin of all of us for
+two weeks past, has ben the grand forrard movement. Linkin improves
+mitey fast in military nollige, and is eenamost reddy to graduate from
+a Kernel into a Ginneral. Wal, as I was sayin', we've been as bizzy as
+bees in gittin things reddy for a start. Ef Stantin and Ginneral
+McClellin, and the Kernal and me didn't work hard at stratygims, then
+thar aint any such word in the dickshinnery. We had charts, and maps,
+and diaphragms, and kumpasses to measure the distances with, and all
+sorts of queer looking instruments that I can't remember the name of.
+But Ginneral McClellin knew all about 'em, I tell you. He could tell
+how fur it wus from one place to tother on the map, jest as easy as if
+he'd been over the ground and measured it with a ten foot pole. Wal,
+wen he'd tell the distense from one place to tother, the Kernel would
+put it down on a piece of paper so as to see jest how fur the grand
+army would have to travil afore they got to Richmond. Wal, bime by
+Linkin had got a string of figers which kivered a hull page of writin
+paper, and then he undertook to ad 'em up. It warn't long, however,
+before he got things so mixed up that he couldn't tell hed from tale.
+Finally he turned to me and ses he, "Majer, can't you help me out of
+this scrape?" I told him I would ef he would only send for a slate, but
+that I couldn't figer on paper, that I larned to sifer on a slate, and
+that it allers cum terribel onhandy for me to figer in enny uther
+stile. So he called that feller in purty bad clothes, and told him to
+get a slate. Wen it cum I went to work, and tho' my hand aint ben in
+the business much sense I sifered up the ackounts for Ginneral Jackson
+in Squire Biddle's bank, yet I soon stratened matters out, and Linkin
+was dredful tickeled at it. He sed "Apostle Paul couldn't beet it
+himself." I forgot to tell you that the Kernel calls Ginneral McClellin
+his Apostle Paul, so you needn't believe enny of the stories in the
+Abolishin papers about the Kernel and Ginneral McClellin being at
+logger-heds. Even General Jackson and Mr. Van Buren were never better
+friends than Linkin and McClellin. Wal, to make a long story short, we
+got every thing all settled, tho' it took the last night till eenamost
+mornin before we got thru. I had bent over the tabil so long, lookin at
+the diaphragms, that I had a stitch in my back, and Linkin was bent
+eenamost dubil.
+
+After it was all over with and every thing had been decided on, ses
+Linkin, ses he, "Majer, don't you think that that is a capytal
+stratygim?" Ses I, "Yes, Kernel, that is jest about as nigh rite as you
+kin get it; but," ses I, "there's one thing you ain't provided for."
+Ses he, "What's that?" "Wal," ses I, "for a fire in the rear!" "Wal,"
+ses Linkin, "now the Majer is gettin off a joke on us, for thar ain't
+no chance for a fire in the rear, except it comes from John Bull, and
+ain't Seward spiked his guns?" "Now," ses I, "Kernel, you ain't as old
+as I am; ef you was you would see jest what I mean." Ses I, "Don't you
+know that the Aboleshin papers hate Ginneral McClellan as bad as they
+do Jeff Davis, and jest as soon as the grand army begins to move
+they'll expose all his plans, and the rebils will have em all in
+Richmund in time to defeat em?" "Wal, that is a fact," ses Linkin, "I
+never thought of that; but they will as sure as preachen do jest what
+the Majer ses; but what kin we do?" "Wal," ses I, "I'll tell you what
+to do. Jest let Secketary Stantin issu an order stopping all war news,
+and put every Aboleshin editer that dares to disobey it into Fort La
+Fayette. Giv em a dose of their own fisic, and see how they'll like
+it."
+
+When Linkin heard that he jumped rite up, and ses he, "that is jest the
+checker. These Aboleshinests have bin as much trubble to me as the
+secesh, and I don't know but a leetle more. I spect I'll have to hang a
+few on em yet before I can git a settled peece."
+
+Then Linkin asked Secketary Stantin what he thought of my idee, and he
+sed it was jest what was needed, and so Linkin told him to draw up the
+order and put it thru strong. Wal, so you see how the "Youkase," as sum
+of our York editors call it, cum to be issued. I see sum of em growled
+and snarled over it like mad dogs, but it warn't no use. They know now
+how it feels to be put under the thum screws. So ef you can git the
+news, jest keep quiet a leetle while and you'll hear music.
+
+There ain't much else that's new here jest now. But tother day there
+was a feller cum on here from York to see Linkin about what should be
+done for the niggers at Port Royal. He asked Linkin what could be done?
+"Wal," ses Linkin, "I spose you've heerd the story about a feller who
+won an elephant at a raffle, and after he got him didn't know what to
+do with him? Wal, so it is with the niggers we've got. There they are,
+but ef any live man kin tell what to do with em, I'de like to hear him.
+They eat more than the sojers, are lazy, and cost more than they cum
+to, jest like the old Injin's dog."
+
+Then this feller, who seemed to be a spirital chap, something like a
+dominy, put on a long face, and sed how these culered peepal were our
+bretheren in the Lord, and that they had been brought up as hethens,
+hed never been taught reedin, or ritin, or rithmetic, but ground down
+to the arth with chains and slavery. He said he felt deeply for 'em,
+and that his conshence wouldn't let him rest day nor nite, but he was
+willin' tu devote his dazs tu preachin' the Gospel tu 'em, &c., &c.,
+but the cute feller wound up by axing Linkin wether he wouldn't
+reckermend Congress tu approprate sum money for the good of these poor
+creturs. Wen he sed that I seen rite thru' him, and I give Linkin the
+wink. So he put him off by sayin' he would think it over. Wen he went
+away I told Linkin jest what I thought of him. How that he was one of
+that kind of salm singin' Yankees who was allers lookin' out for sum
+way tu git a livin' without workin.'
+
+It is astonishin' tho' how this nigger teachin' fever is goin'. It has
+broke out even here in Washin'ton. Deacon Jenkins' darter, Jerushy
+Matilda, who cum on with her par, when he was sent for tu make Linkin's
+sojer clothes, cum across that feller, an he talked her intu goin' down
+to Port Royal tu tech nigger schules. Now, Jerushy is a smart gal; her
+mother an my wife were second cuzzins. She kin rite poetry purty good
+for a gal of her age, for she ain't more than twenty-two, but she's got
+all the nigger nonsense in her hed, and I can't no more drive it out
+than I kin fly. Somehow Abolishin gits hold of the feelins of the
+wimmin folks, an it cums from their not knowin' what the nigger realy
+is; so I telled Jerushy tu go, an ef she didn't get sick of tryin' to
+make niggers do an act, and larn, an sifer, an read, like white folks,
+then I would pay all her expenses, an turn nigger misheenery myself.
+But she sed I was an old fogy. It appears that solem feller told her
+that the niggers hed been whipped by their masters every mornin' before
+breakfast, with a cat-a'-nine-tailes, an that all they had tu eat was
+corn-stalks and cotton seeds! This tuck hold of Jerushy's feelins
+amazinly, an she packed up her best clothes, an went off with him. She
+promised tu rite me how she got along, an what she thinks of things
+down there. Ef ther's eny thing interestin' in the letter, I'll send it
+tu you tu print.
+
+Your friend,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER IV.
+
+_A Delegation calls Upon the President--The Major Indignant--Mr.
+Lincoln Tells a Story--Curious Composition of the Republican Party
+--Difficulty of Keeping it Together--The President Hopes to do it
+by "Sloshin About"--Deacon Jenkins Again--He is a Temperance Man, but
+Takes a Glass of Old Rye._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, March 18th, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--We've all ben at sixes and sevens here since I writ you last.
+The rebils have knocked all our stratygims into a kocked hat. The fact
+was, we had the plan fixed to catch 'em jest as easy as you can kill a
+rabbit under a ded fall, but they wouldn't stay to be catched. Linkin
+ses "they are like to Paddy's flee, when you git where they are they
+ain't ther." It is ginerally believed here that some of the Somnure
+click who hate Ginneral McClellan so much, ralely informed the inemy of
+our movements, and that that give 'em time to pack up their trumpery
+and git out of the trap. You see Somnure, Gree_lie_ & Co. are afeerd
+that McClellen will be the next President, and they are doin all they
+kin to brake him down. The other day a hull boodle of these
+Abolishinists come in a boddy to the President to demand "justis to
+Freemount." I was standin jest back of Linkin up in the office room,
+when old Moril, of my State, and Luvjoy, and Somnure, and Hale, and
+Julian, and Ashley, and a hull lot more of the same stripe, cum in.
+They sed "they cum as a committy from a cawkis of the party to
+_demand_, as an act of justis, that Freemount should be appointed
+to sum kommand." Wen I heered 'em say that they demanded it, I felt my
+blud bileing away down to my bootes; in fac, it seemed as ef my bootes
+was full of bileing water. They sed they represented the Republican
+party, and that the party demanded it, that the peopul demanded it, and
+that the noosepapers demanded it, and that ef he didn't do it, they
+would consider that he intended to forsake his party, and go over to
+the Dimmycrats. All the wile I felt as ef I'd giv a thousan dollars for
+one hour of Old Hickery. How he would hev made the fur fly ef any body
+had undertuk to dictate to him in that way. But Linkin didn't say
+nothing until after they got all thro, then he rez up kinder limpsey,
+and ses he, "Gentlemen, I will considder this ere matter over, and see
+what I kin do. I reckon I kin kinder fix things out to suit you." Then
+they went off.
+
+After they were gone Linkin turned to me and ses he, "Majer, what do
+you think of that?" "Wal," ses I. "Kernel, I tell you jest what I was
+thinkin while that insultin feller was talkin. I was wishin that
+Ginneral Jackson was alive and President for about twenty-four hours.
+Why, ef that feller had talked to him in that way, he would have seized
+his hickery and kaned him out of the room." Ses I, "Kernel, you are too
+good-natured. These pesky pollyticians will driv you to perdishin, and
+the country, too, ef you ain't kerful."
+
+"Wal," ses Linkin, "what am I to do? There ain't no doubt that my party
+are all aunty-slavery, and a good menny of 'em out and out immediate
+Abolishinists. They are a pullin me like all possessed. They've got
+hold of my feet, my toes, my cote tale, my trowsers, and pullin away as
+ef they ment to rip every rag of clothin off me, and I don't feel sure
+but they'll pull my legs off my boddy. I am holdin on as hard as I kin,
+but I feel as ef my hold was slippin. Now, what on arth am I to do?"
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, there's nothin like getten a fresh hold wen you
+feel that you are slippin. So jest spit on your hands, as the sailyers
+do, and take a new hold."
+
+"Now, Majer," says Linkin, "that reminds me of a story. Some Irishmen
+were once diggin a well, and by sum means the rope on the windless
+broke, and the bucket went down to the bottom. How to get it was the
+questshin. After plannin and thinkin for some time, Paddy O'Brien, who
+was the boss, he ses to Teddy O'Flanagan, ses he, 'I will take hold of
+the windless with my hands, and Teddy, you take hold of my legs, and
+let Patrick take hold of Teddy's legs, and so on, until we can git down
+to the bucket and rache it up.' So they all went at it, but it warnt
+long before Paddy found that the heft was too grate for him, an he felt
+that his hold on the windless was slippin. So he sung out tu Teddy, who
+was below him, ses he, 'Teddy, me boy, hould fast there till I spit on
+me hands,' an as he let go tu spit on his hands, down the hull party
+went tu the bottom of the well. Now," ses Linkin, ses he, "that would
+be jest the way with me. Ef I let go to spit on me hands, down my hull
+party will go, and no one will ever see it agin."
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, ef you do go down in that way you will be _on
+top_!" "That's a fact," ses Linkin. "I didn't think of that, but then,
+who would want tu be on the top of _such_ a party! You see, ef the
+party had any timber in it that you could use tu make another out of,
+there would be sum prospec ahed. But ye see thar aint. The stuff is
+cross-grained and knotty, and a good deal of it mity rotten. Ef I could
+split it about half in two, so as tu weld one piece on tu the
+Demmycratic party, I would do that. But you can't split it any more
+than you kin a pepperage log. I know sumthin about splittin, and ef any
+man could do it I could. No, Majer, ef my party goes tu pieces at all,
+it will brake up intu a thousand splinters, jest like a chesnut tree
+wen it is struck by lightnin."
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, are you goin to give Freemount a kommand?" Wal,
+ses he, "I 'spose I'll hev tu do sumthin for him. I'll give him some
+place where he can't do any harm; ef I don't, these fellers will stop
+the wheels of government, an I can't run it any longer." Wal, ses I,
+"Kernal, ef they stop the _wheels_ of the government then I'de run
+it on the axletrees afore I'de giv in tu these pesky critters. You
+kinder giv in tu em on your emancipashin proclamashin, and ef yu keep
+on your gone, and the government is gone tu. You can't restore the
+Union in that way enny more than you can build a stone wall out of clam
+shells. Besides, you'll break off your Kentuckee frends.
+
+"Wal, yes, that's so," ses Linkin, "but don't you see, Majer, I've got
+to break off with _sumbody_? Ef I do as the Kentuckians want me tu,
+then I shall break with my party, and ef I don't, then I shall have to
+break off with them. Now which shall it be? That's the question. Now,
+thar ain't Dimmycrats enuff in Congress tu be of enny sarvice to me,
+and the few that are thar are most of em like the last run of shad,
+very poor and very mean. Thar aint more than three or four that dare
+say their souls are their own, and I can't git along with such a party
+as that. I hope I'll git thru by sloshin first one way and then tother,
+without havin a rumpus with enny of em, but ef I don't, 'sufficient to
+the day is the evil of it,' as the Scriptur ses."
+
+I aint had a letter from Jerushy Matilda, the darter of Deacon Jenkins,
+sense she went off to Port Royil with that solem feller. Her par,
+Deacon Jenkins, who made Linkin's sojer clothes, is still here. He is a
+very pious man, the Deacon is, and he thinks Jerusha is goin to do a
+heep of good to the niggers in turning mishinary. He thinks the niggers
+are all brought up as hethens, and never heerd the name of God. I
+telled him "I guessed ef they went around much whar the Maine sojers
+were, that they would here his name pretty often, for they kin outsware
+any set of men I ever heerd talk." Wen the Deacon heerd how that
+Mannassah was taken, he cum rite up to the White House and
+congratulated Linkin on his success. Linkin felt kinder tickled at
+first about it, but wen I telled him how it warent much of a victory to
+let a hull army slip thru our fingers, Linkin seemed to think so, too.
+But Deacon Jenkins, he sed he could prove it frum Scriptur, and so he
+got a big Bibil and red the 61st Sam, which is all about Manassah and
+Gil-ed and Mo-abe and washpots, and so on. I telled him I could'nt see
+no simurlarity in it, but he stuck to it that it tiperfied the retreat
+of the rebils. Linkin red it over two or three times, and sed it red
+for all the world like one of Seward's non-committal letters. First he
+thought it did, and then he thought it didn't, and finally he giv it up
+in dispare. I telled 'em them they might try to draw conserlashin from
+the Bibil, but I felt down about the matter, and didn't know as I could
+sleep. Linkin sed he felt bad, too, but the Deacon declared he felt
+first rate. I telled Linkin I must have sum Old Rye afore I could go to
+bed, and he sed his nerves were very oneasy too. So the feller in bad
+clothes fetched in the black bottle, and we tuk a good swig. I telled
+the Deacon that he needn't take enny, as he felt so good, but he would
+have sum. The Deacon pretends to be a grate temperance man wen he is
+hum, but I find he likes a glass of wisky now and then, espeshily if he
+thinks the Downingville folks won't heer of it. I hope I shall heer
+frum Jerusha by the time I rite to you agin.
+
+Your frend,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER V.
+
+_A Blue Time--The Major Wins a Hat of the President--The Richmond
+Expedition of Gen. McClellan--Mr. Lincoln's Trick on the Major--A
+Letter From Jerusha Matilda Jenkins--She Gives Her Experience in Negro
+Teaching--Priscella Huggins and Elder Sniffles--Cloe, the Negro Girl
+who "Could not be Good unless she was Licked"--A Negro Meeting--Dancing
+and Singing--The Unpleasant Odor--Negroes Steal Miss Huggins' Clothes
+--They Purloin Jerusha's Petticoat--It is Thought that their Religion
+is not "Very Deep"--Mr. Lincoln Hears the Letter Read--He Declares
+that Port Royal is a "Cussed Hole"--Deacon Jenkins Shocked--He Proves
+it by the Scriptures._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, April 1st, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin_:
+
+SURS:--I've ben awfully down in the mouth sence I writ you last. Things
+don't move nigh as fast as we all expected they would a spell ago; but
+I can't tell you the resin, for it wouldn't do to rite noose, for the
+rebils would get it. Linkin has ben feelin amazin bad; one day, wen we
+both had the dumps, Seward cum in, and ses he, "cheer up; its all goin
+to be over in thirty days." Linkin ses Seward reminds him of fellers
+he's seen out West who had the ager and fever. One day they think they
+are well, and the next they are shakin agin like all possessed. Wal,
+Linkin ralely did think that McClellan would be in Richmond by the 1st
+of April, even McClellan thought so. I telled Linkin he wouldn't, and
+bet him a bran new hat on it. So to-day I won it, but will you believe
+it, Linkin got a bet on me. He's a dredful cute critter in his way. Ses
+he to me, kinder funnin me I thought, ses he, "Majer, will you make a
+bet with me?" Ses I, "Yes, Kernel, I've jest won a bet of you, and
+taint more than fair to let you have a chanst now." "Wal," ses he,
+"I'll bet you a hat that I kin sneeze jest wen I've a mind to." Ses I,
+"Kernel, I don't believe it, and so I'll bet you. Now," ses I, "let's
+see you sneeze." "Wal," ses he, "I aint a _mind_ to now. So," ses he,
+"hand over that new hat." Ses he, "Majer, you aint quite as smart as
+you thought you was." Ses I, "Kernel, now jest hold on about the
+forty-leventh part of a minit. You bet me a _new_ hat, but I only bet
+you a _hat_, so," ses I, "you kin take the _old one_!" "Wal," ses
+Linkin, "Majer, you are jest the keenest Yankee I ever heerd tell on.
+You allers contrive to git ahed of me after all."
+
+The other day I got a letter from Jerushy Matilda, Deacon Jenkins'
+darter, and Linkin was eenamost crazy to see how Chase's missionaries
+cum on. So I sot down, Deacon Jenkins was thar too, and read it all to
+Linkin, and I send it to you to print, jest as I promised. So here it
+is in full. Jerushy is a proper smart gal, and I guess thar aint menny
+of her age who can beat her:
+
+
+    BEAUFORT, S.C., March 25, 1862.
+
+    DEER UNCLE--I take my pen in hand to fulfil my promise to you. Now,
+    I'm goin to rite you the hull truth about things in this part of
+    the Lord's vinyard. I shall tell you some grate news, so you must
+    not tell par of it, for ef you do he'll rite hum about it, and then
+    it will soon be all over Downingville. I jest as live mar would
+    know it as not, but then she'll tell aunt Betsy Wiggles, and aunt
+    Betsy will go rite over to old Deliverance Grimes, and tell her,
+    and then Deliverance she'll put on her bonnet and start all over
+    town, and ef Jim Pendergrass gets hold of it he'll hector me to
+    death, for he's a rale pro-slavery Dimmycrat, and thinks that our
+    colored brethren and sisters are fit only for slaves. I can't deny
+    that I've been much disencurriged sence I've been here. You see
+    we've got a very queer set of gals and men here with us. Some of
+    'em are quite old gals, who haint been very lucky in life, and
+    naturally they feel kinder sour towards men in gineral. Some of 'em
+    have been schule marms for a good many years, and some have been
+    milliner gals. Two of 'em had a rale spat on the boat while we were
+    comin here. The way it happened was this: There is a spruce looking
+    old maid by the name of Priscilla Huggins, from Bosting, who is
+    very gifted in prayer, and she tuk a great notion to Elder
+    Sniffles, a young preacher, who is one of the piesest men I ever
+    see. She is quite an old gal, and there was another gal, a nice
+    looking and quite young gal, from York. Her name was Melissy Buggs.
+    One day Melissy giv Miss Huggins a terribel slap by tellin her that
+    she guessed she made believe being so pious jest to ketch Elder
+    Sniffles. When Miss Huggins heerd this, she sed something
+    unrespectful of milliner gals. "She didn't believe," she sed, "that
+    eny of 'em had religion, and what's more than that, they want eny
+    more respectable than they oughter be." When she sed that, Melissy
+    she jumped rite at her with both her hands, and ketched hold of her
+    har, and bless me, if she didn't pull nigh about all the har off
+    her hed, for it turned out it was false har and not genoine. When
+    Miss Huggins see her har on the floor, she turned as red as a beet,
+    and Melissy said she guessed her hart was jest as false as her har.
+    This made her redder yet, and jest at this point Elder Sniffles
+    came along. He cum up, and ses he, "My dear sis-ters, this is not
+    the way to walk in the fear of the Lord, and with gordly
+    conversashen edefin one another. I fear that the Lo-rd will not
+    bless your labors with our dear col-ored brethren, who have so long
+    been groanin and cryin to the saints for deliverance from chains
+    and slavery." This sort of rebuked them, but there's been a
+    constant jingle in our company ever since.
+
+    When we arrived here, we were all very much disappented not to find
+    a stage reddy to take us to the hotel, but las me! they aint got
+    any kind of decent livin here. Instead of a hotel, they telled us
+    we must cook our own vitals, and what do you think they giv us? The
+    government promised to board us an lodge us for teachin the poor
+    dear colored people, and takin keer of their souls, an we thought
+    they would do it in decent stile. Instead of that, all we could get
+    was sum salt pork and dry bread, jest the same as they giv to the
+    common sojers. I tell you, didn't all of us feel hoppin, when the
+    feller in brass buttons told us that was all he had for us. To
+    think of turnin ladies an gentlemen with such stuff was shockin. I
+    tell you, didn't Elder Sniffles giv him a piece of his mind, an
+    brothers Sleek and Goodenough, and Elder Wattles, and young Deacon
+    Dolittle all jined in, but they couldn't move the feller a mite. So
+    we took a house, the best one we could find empty, an commenced
+    doing for ourselves.
+
+    But I must tell you something about our colored brethren an
+    sisters. The sojers here treat 'em very badly, kick and cuff 'em,
+    an swear at 'em such horribel oaths that it makes the blood run
+    cold. But we have taken 'em by the hand and leadin 'em by love.
+    That old gal from Bosting, Priscella Huggins, actually hugged and
+    kissed one old colored lady, until all the others laughed and
+    jumped as if they thought it was very funny. For my part, I took a
+    great notion to a young black gal, wen I first come here. She sed
+    her name was Cloe, but she acted so much like Topsey, in that dear
+    good novel of that dear good woman, Miss Stowe, that I took Topsey
+    for me to teach. First off, I got along very with her. I axed her a
+    good many questions, among others, where she was born. She sed she
+    warn't born at all, but "was _raised_ over on the Edisto." But
+    jest as soon as I got done talkin to her, she seemed to forget all
+    about it, an would go to dancin an cuttin up Jim Crow capers. In a
+    day or two she got rale sassy, an I couldn't do nothin with her.
+    One day I had to actually drive her out of my room, but it warn't
+    but a little while before she put her wooly head in again. Then I
+    told her again "how that I had come down there on purpose to
+    elevate her, an to educate her, that she was jest as free as I was,
+    and that she would never have to mind her old mistress agin." Wen I
+    sed that, she bust out a cryin jest like a baby. Ses I, "What is
+    the matter, dear Topsey?" "Oh," ses she, "I can't nebber hear ole
+    missus talked of, but I bust rite out cryin. Oh! what a good missus
+    she was! boo! boo! boo!" an she kept on cryin as if her heart would
+    break. I thought it was dredful queer that she should be cryin to
+    go back to bondage. But pretty soon it was all over, an she began
+    to dance around the room jest as if she never thought of cryin.
+    Pretty soon she upset a chair, on which I had laid some things, an
+    I was awfully provoked. I took hold of her, and felt jest like
+    shakin her to pieces, wen I axed her, ses I, "Topsey, why don't you
+    be good?" "Las me! missus," she replied, "_I can't be good unless
+    I'm lickt_." I tell you I was discurriged. That night I went to
+    a colored meeting. The colored people are very religious, though
+    their religion don't seem to be so deep as it ought to be. They
+    danced and sung somethin like the Shaking Quakers, and I can't say
+    that it was very edefyin. There was nothing spiritual about it, and
+    the smell in the room was very unpleasant. Somehow colored people
+    have a very singular smell, that I never knew of before I come down
+    here, and the brothers and sisters don't like it at all. I had
+    actually to hold my nose all through meeting in my pocket
+    handkerchief, and yet it was almost more than I could stand. When
+    meeting was over I was mighty glad to get out, I tell you. I don't
+    know what we will do here all summer, but I expect we shall soon
+    get used to it. The very next day after the meeting, what do you
+    think happened? Why, we all went out to see a plantation, and while
+    we were gone, the colored brethren that we made so much of, and who
+    had pretended to be so pious, stole all the provisions that the
+    government gave us! They were all gone, and what is more, I lost my
+    best dress and a bran new petticoat that aunt Betsey Wiggles gave
+    me just before I started for Washington. But you would have laughed
+    to see old Miss Huggins go on about what she lost. They took all
+    but one pair of stockings, and the best night gown she had. When
+    Melisy Buggs heered of it she jumped rite up, and slapped her hands
+    and cried good. They also took off old Miss Huggins' stuff for
+    cleaning her false teeth, and you never heerd a woman go on so in
+    all your life. I guess if Elder Sniffles had heerd her rave and
+    tare as I did, he would think her piety warn't very deep. I didn't
+    keer so much for the loss of my petticoat, but if aunt Betsey finds
+    it out I'll never heer the last of it, and then if Jim Pendergrass
+    gets hold of it, what shall I do? He is the most awful hectorer
+    that ever lived, and he sets in church at Downingville, rite in
+    front of par's pew. He'll grin at me the hull time. But I cum off
+    good, I tell you. The other gals had to divide up with Miss
+    Huggins, or I don't know what she would have done. As it is, ef
+    much more is stolen from us we will all have to come home and get
+    new wardrobes. All the brothers and sisters have been very much
+    puzzled about this strange affair. The colored people all seem to
+    be so very pious that was not believed for a long time that they
+    could have stolen the things, but it seems they did, for old Miss
+    Huggins was determined to find out, and she went off to some of the
+    cabins, and there she found them tryin to comb their woolly heads
+    with one of her fine teeth combs!
+
+    I tell you what it is, uncle Jack, I am afraid I've come on a
+    fool's errand. Some how there aint the right look to things here,
+    and ef we don't succeed better in the future than we have so far,
+    in educating these colored people, I fear our labor will be lost.
+    They will talk well enough before your face, but it don't last. But
+    don't you let on to the Downingville folks that I'm at all
+    disencouraged. If I come home it will be on the excuse that the
+    climate don't agree with me. Elder Sniffles says no one must leave
+    for any other reason, for that would bring down odium on the great
+    cause. Elder Sniffles is going to preach hereafter regularly to the
+    colored brethren, and he hopes he will soon teach them how wicked
+    it is to steal. As soon as he teaches them that, then he is going
+    on to other subjects, but that must be taught them at once, for one
+    or two more hauls on us would send us all home with "nothing to
+    wear."
+
+    Your affectionate neece,
+
+    JERUSHA MATILDA JENKINS.
+
+Wen I got thrue, Linkin jumped rite up out of his cheer and stomped his
+foot so as to make the house shake. Ses he, "What a cussed hole that
+Port Royal must be!" Decon Jenkins ses he, "Don't speak wickedly with
+your lips, Mr. President." "Wal," ses Linkin, "it _is_ a _cussed_ hole,
+and I ken prove it by the Scriptur." "I guess not," ses the Decon.
+"Wal," ses Linkin, "didn't the Lord cuss the earth for man's sins?"
+"Yes," ses the Decon. "Wal, I'de like to know," ses Linkin, "whether
+you think Port Royal _was an excepshin_?" I never seed a feller look so
+chop-fallen as the Decon did, and I snorted rite out a laughin, for the
+Decon thinks he's so smart on Scriptur. Linkin, however, declares that
+he ain't got nothin to do with this nigger schule teachin, but that it
+is all Chase's plans. But its turnin out jest as I expected; Jerusha
+now begins to see that what I telled her was true. The gal will be
+comin back afore long, you may be sure, but she'll be cured of
+niggerism; that will be one good thing. I only wish I could send all
+the old maids and silly gals in New England down there. They would soon
+get the nigger notions out of their heads.
+
+Your frend,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VI.
+
+_The Question of the "Contrybands"--Lincoln and the Major Discuss
+It--The Major Tells a Story--Shows Mr. Lincoln That the Government is
+out of Order--Says It's a "Dimmycratic Machine" and that Seward and
+Chase Don't Know How to Run It--They are Like Old Jim Dumbutter and the
+Threshing Machine--The Major Tells Another Story--"The Kernel" Gets a
+Joke on Seward--Tells a Story About the "Giascutis."_
+
+
+WASHINGTON, April 15th, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS: I've ben kinder sick sence I writ you last. The truth is, this
+clymate in the spring is ralely very weeknin to the constitushin.
+Linkin, too, has been terribully anxus about war noose, and the nigh
+approach of hot weather. But the great subjeck which the Kernel and I
+have been considerin is the "contrybands." What is to be done with 'em?
+That's the questshin, and Linkin ses he'd like to see the feller that
+can tell him. One night Linkin got a big map, an he sot down, and
+"Now," ses he, "Majer, let's take a look at all creashin, an see ef
+ther aint sum place whar we kin send these pesky kinky heds, and git
+red of 'em." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I'm agreed." So we went at it.
+First Linkin put his finger on Haty. "Now," ses he, "ther's an iland
+that jest suits the nigger constitushin. Suppose they go thar?" "But,"
+ses I, "Kernel, they won't go, an ef they did, they wouldn't do
+nothin." "Wal," ses he, "no matter, ef they won't trouble us here enny
+longer." "But," ses I, "ther's one more resin. The iland aint large
+enuff to hold all the niggers--four millions or thereabouts." "Wal,"
+ses he, "ther's Centril Ameriky--what do you think of that spot?"
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that's a fine country, naterally. The Creator
+fixed it up on a grand skale, but you can't make a treaty with it, enny
+more than you can count the spots on a little pig, when he keeps runin
+about the hull time. The truth is, you can't tell who'll be President
+of it from one mornin to the next, and the niggers you send there might
+all git their throats cut jest as soon as they landed." "Wal," ses
+Linkin, "that's a _slight_ objecshin. But let's turn over to Afriky.
+There's Libery, how would that do, Major?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that
+country is about the biggest humbug of the hull lot. Fust off, sum raly
+good peopul thought it was goin to amount to sumthin, but after forty
+years of spendin money on it, ther aint enny more chanst of civilizin
+Afriky in that way than ther is of makin a rifled cannon out of a
+basswood log. A few dominys, who can't git enny boddy willin to hear
+'em preach, hev got hold of it, an are makin a good thing out of it. As
+for sending our niggers ther, why it would take all the shippin of the
+world, and more money than Chase could print by steam in a year."
+"Wal," ses Linkin, "where on arth kin we send 'em?" "Now," ses I,
+"Kernel, I've got an idee of my own about that matter. I think they are
+best off where they are and jest as they are, but ef you must git red
+of 'em, I would send 'em all to Massa-chews-its! Peepul who are so
+anxus to have other folks overrun with free niggers ought to be willin
+to share sum of the blessins themselves. So let all that are here in
+Washington be sent rite off to Boston." "Yes, that might do," ses
+Linkin, "but then, ef they are entitled to their freedom, they orter be
+allowed to go where they are a mind to." "But," ses I, "sum States
+won't have 'em at all, an they can't go there. So what's to be done?"
+"Wal," ses Linkin, "I tell you what it is, Majer, this is an almighty
+tuff subjeck. I know somethin about splittin rails, and what hard work
+is ginerally, but this nigger questshin has puzzled me more than enny
+thing I ever got hold of before." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I kin explain
+the resin why." Ses he, "Let's hear you, Majer." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel,
+where do you carry your pocket-book?" Ses he, "What on arth has that to
+do with the subjeck?" Ses I, "Hold on, you'll see." "Wal," ses he, "I
+always carry it rite there, in my left hand trowsers pocket." Ses I,
+"Didn't you ever have a hole in that pocket for a day or two, and had
+to put your pocket-book in sum other?" Ses he, "Majer, I have." Ses I,
+"What did you do with it then?" "Wal," ses he, "I put it in my right
+hand pocket, but it kinder chafed my leg there, cause it warn't used to
+it, and it also felt mity onhandy. So I put it in my side coat pocket,
+but every time I stooped over it would drop out. Then I put it in my
+coat tail pocket, but I was kept all the time on the _qui vivers_,
+afeerd sum pickpocket would steal it. At last, in order to make it
+safe, and sure, I put it in the top of my hat, under sum papers, but
+the hat was too top-heavy, and over it went, spilling everything. I
+tell you I was glad when my pocket was fixed, and I got it back in the
+old spot."
+
+"Now," ses I, "Kernel, that's jest the case with the niggers. The
+minnit you get 'em out of ther place, you don't know what on arth to do
+with 'em. Now, we've been here all the evenin sarchin over the map to
+see ef we can't find sum place to put 'em. But it is all no manner of
+use. You've got to do with 'em jest as you did with your pocket-book.
+Put 'em whar they belong, an then you won't have any more trubbil."
+
+Linkin didn't see eggzatly how I was gwin to apply the story, an wen he
+did, he looked kinder struck up. Wen I saw that I hed made a hit on
+him, I follered it up. Ses I, "Kernel, this government ain't out of
+order, as Seward an Chase kontend. They are only tryin to run it _the
+rong way_--that's what makes all the trubbil. I once hed a thrashin
+machine, an I sold it to old Jim Dumbutter, an after he got it he sed
+it warn't good for nothin--that it wouldn't run, &c. So I went over to
+see it, an I vow ef he didn't have the machine all rong eend foremist.
+I went to work at it, an, after a leetle wile, it went off like grease,
+jest as slick as a whistle. You see, old Dumbutter didn't onderstand
+the machine, an, therefore, he couldn't make it go. Now," ses I,
+"Kernel, our Constitushin is a Dimmycratic machine, an its got to be
+run as a Dimmycratic machine, or it _won't run at all_! Now, you see,
+Seward is tryin to run it on his 'higher law' principle, but it warn't
+made for that, an the consekence is, the thing is pretty nigh smashed
+up."
+
+"Wal," ses Linkin, "things do look kinder dark. I don't know whar we
+will come out, but I guess I'll issoo a proclamashin for the ministers
+to pray for us. Perhaps they will do sum good." Ses I, "Kernel, that
+reminds me of old Elder Doolittle, who cum along the road one day rite
+by whar old Sol Hopkins, a very wicked old sinner, was hoein corn. The
+season was late, as the corn was mity slim. Ses the Elder: 'Mr.
+Hopkins, your corn is not very forrard this year.' 'No, its monstrus
+poor,' ses Hopkins, 'an I guess I shan't have half a crop.' 'Wal,' ses
+the Elder, 'Mister Hopkins, you ought to pray to the Lord for good
+crops; perhaps He will hear you.' 'Wal, perhaps He will, an perhaps He
+won't;' ses old Sol, 'but I'll be darned ef I don't beleave that this
+corn needs _manure_ a tarnel sight more than it does prayin for.' Now,"
+ses I, "Linkin, I think this country is somethin like old Hopkinses
+corn. _It_ needs _statesmanship a good deal more than prayin for._"
+Linkin didn't seem to like that observashin of mine much, for he turned
+the subjick, an he ain't axed me what it was best to do with the
+niggers sence.
+
+The other day the Kernel got off a good joke on Seward. You know what a
+solem looking chap he is naterally. Wal, since he has got to be Chief
+Clark of the President, he seems to look solemer than ever. He cum into
+Linkin's room, an the Kernel ses, "Have you heerd the news, Boss?"
+"No," ses Seward, "what is it?" "Wal," ses Linkin, "the Giascutis is
+loose." "What's that?" ses Seward. "Why," ses Linkin, "ain't you never
+heerd the story of the Giascutis?" Seward sed he never had. "Wal," ses
+the Kernel, "I must tell you. Several years ago, a couple of Yankees
+were travellin out West, an they got out of money. So they koncluded to
+'raise the wind' as follers:--They were to go into a village; an
+announce a show, pretendin that they had a remarkabul animal, which
+they had jest captured on the Rocky Mountings. A bran new beast such as
+was never seen before. The name was the 'Giascutis.' It was to be shown
+in a room, and one of the fellers was to play 'Giascutis.' He was put
+behind a screen an had some chains to shake, an he also contrived to
+growl or howl as no critter ever did before. Wal, the peeple of the
+village all cum to see the Giascutis, an, after the room was filled,
+his companion began to explain to the audience what a terribul beast he
+had, how he killed ten men, two boys and five hosses in ketchin him, an
+now how had got him, at 'enormous expense,' to show him. Jest as
+everybody was gapin an starin, thar was, all at once, a most terrific
+growlin, and howlin, an rattlin of chains; an, in the excitement, the
+showman, almost breathless, yelled out, at the top of his voice, 'the
+Giascutis is loose. Run! run! run!' An away went the people down
+stairs, heels over head, losin all they had paid, an seein nothin.
+Now," ses Linkin, "'the Merrymac is out,' an when I read about the
+vessels, an tug-boats, an steamers, all scamperin off as soon as she
+was seen, I thought she was the 'Giascutis,' sure, only I'm afraid she
+is a real Giascutis, an no mistake." Since then, Linkin calls the
+Merrymac the Giascutis all the time.
+
+Your friend,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VII.
+
+_War "Noose"--The President's Anxiety--Mr. Lincoln Determines to
+Apply "the Principle"--The Story of Zenas Homespun--The Major's Views
+on Negroes--Poetry--The Emancipation Ball--The Major Going to "Cifer"
+on the Finances._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, April 29th, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--We are all on the _qui vivers_ here for war noose. Linkin gets
+up sometimes in the middul of the nite to hear a dispach received by
+Sekratary Stantin, and as much of it as is thought good for the health
+of the peepil is sent to the papers. The other nite Linkin called me.
+This was very unushul for him, for he ginrally tells me in the mornin,
+at the breckfast tabel, and axes my opinion, but he sent for me that
+nite and sed that I must git up and read the noose. So I went down and
+he showed me the dispach that Gennerral Mitchell got of Bowregards.
+"Now," ses the Kernel, "you see, Majer, we've got the raskils in a
+korner. They've got to fite or run, and if they fite they're licked,
+and if they run they're licked. We shall now soon have Memfus, and that
+jest pens up Jeff Davis in Virginny. You see, Majer, Bowregard ses he
+ain't got but 35,000 troops." Ses I, "Kernel, let me take a look at
+that dispach." I put on my specs and read it over twice or three times
+very kerfully, and then ses I, "Kernel, I don't think you orter put
+grate faith in that. As Elder Doolittle used to say, 'it may be a bee,
+and then agin it may be a wasp.' That Bowregard is a grate feller at
+stratagy, and it might be another dodge of his. And then agin, Kernel,
+that was afore you signed the bill abolishin slavery in the District of
+Columby. As sure as your born that will be worth a hundred thousan
+sojers to Jeff Davis." "Wal," ses Linkin, "let it, who cares? The truth
+is, Majer, we Republicans have been talkin about the great principle of
+the equality of all men, includin Injins, niggers, Chinees and so on,
+and now they want me to apply the principle, and I'm goin to do it. I
+think there is sum humbug in it sumwhere, but I don't exactly see
+where, and as they will give me no peace, and will never be satisfied
+ennyhow until it is dun, I'm goin to put it thru." "Wal," ses I,
+"Kernel, go ahed, but look out for squalls. Perhaps," ses I, "you never
+heerd the story about Zenas Humspum 'applyin the principle. I hope you
+won't hev as bad luck as he did." "No," ses Linkin, "I never heerd that
+story. What was it?" "Wal," ses I, "Zenas was a good-natered feller,
+who lived in Downingville, and a wonderful inquirin sort of a chap,
+allers and forever prying into things. If he bought a clock he'd take
+it all apart with his jack-nife, jest to see how it went together. So
+about the time that the telegraph was started and an offis was set up
+in our town, Zenas was eenamost puzzled to deth to get the hang of the
+critter, as he called it. One day he went to the offis and axed the
+feller to show him all about it. The chap was very perlite, and
+explained to him the grate principle on which it worked, but Zenas
+didn't exactly see through it, and kept axing questions and botherin
+the feller till he got clean out of pashins. Finally, ses he to Zenas,
+'Perhaps you would like to see me apply the principle.' Zenas said he
+would, of course. 'Wal,' ses he, 'then you jest take hold of them brass
+nobs and stick to 'em tight.' So Zenas grabbed hold of 'em like all
+possessed, but he hadn't more than fairly got hold before he lay
+sprawlin on the floor. The 'principle' had knocked him clean over. Now,
+Zenas was a terribul feller to smoke, and allers carried his pockets
+full of lusifer matches to lite his pipe with. It so happened that he
+had a hull box-full in his coat-tail pocket as he keeled over on the
+floor, and as he fell they scratched agin one another so strong that
+they all got afire. It warn't but a little while afore Zenas' coat-tail
+was all in a blaze, and before it could be put out it had burnt an
+awful big hole in the seat of his trowsers, and schorched him
+thereabouts amazinly. Zenas yelled and hollered awful, and sed he
+didn't want to know enthing more about 'applyin the principle.' Now,"
+ses I, "Kernel, I hope you won't hev as bad luck as Zenas did, but
+depend on't, this applyin principles you don't exactly understand is
+dangerous business. If you don't get burnt somewhere it will be a
+wonder."
+
+"Wal," ses Linkin, "Majer, you are a cute chap in tellin a story, but
+now, tell me, do you think the nigger an the white man didn't cum from
+the same parrient?" "Now," ses I, "Kernel, that's axin a deep question.
+You see its onpossibul to tell what the Creatur may have done. He might
+have made only one kind of man at fust, an then altered their
+constitushins, an complexions, an brains afterwards. You see everything
+is possibul to the Creatur. Or the nigger may have cum from Ham, who
+was cussed for his sins, but then I don't see that it is enything agin
+the scriptoors to believe that all the kinds of men were made at the
+beginnin jest as they are now. But it don't make eny difference how
+they cum so, so long as they _are_ different. You can't eny more
+make a white man out of a nigger now than you can breed a lion out of a
+polecat. You see, it's clar agin natur to expect to make the nigger
+enything but a nigger. You can't get a peach out of a crab-apple, nor a
+pumpkin out of a watermelon, nor eagles out of ducks' eggs. You can't
+raise chickens from egg-plants, or produce goslins from gooseberries.
+You see, Kernel, everything in natur must go accordin to natur. If the
+nigger had been intended to be equil to the white man, hed been made
+jest like a white man, and the very fact that he ain't made so, is
+proof positive that he warn't intended to be put in a white man's
+place. Trying to make a nigger act like a white man is jest like old
+Sol Hopkins, one year harnessing his off ox an his hoss together to
+plow corn. The ox was lazy as he could be, an the hoss was a young,
+high-strung animil, an such a pullin an haulin team you never did see.
+It almost killed both. You see, it was workin agin natur. It was tryin
+to make a hoss an ox, and an ox a hoss, neither of which things can be
+did. You see, Kernel, _everything in natur must go according to
+natur_."
+
+"Wal," ses Linkin, "there is a good deal in what you say, but then the
+peepil don't believe it. They think the nigger is only accidentally
+black, and if he lacks in mind and capacity, it is all owin to slavery,
+an they won't believe eny other way until they see for themselves. I
+tell you, Majer, the principle has got to be applied, no matter how
+meny coat-tails or how meny trowsers are burnt."
+
+"But," ses I, "Kernel, can't they see how the thing has worked in
+places whar nigger equality has been tried?" "That don't settle the
+question, Majer. Peepil are jest like hogs in that respect. Did you
+ever see a lot of hot swill put in a trough, an every single hog in the
+pen would go an stick in his snoot an get it burned? Not one would larn
+from the others. After we've tried nigger equality, we'll know what it
+is, an how we like it. We must apply the principle, an in some way, you
+may depend upon it Majer, all the niggers down South will be sot free."
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I guess that there are other folks who think
+jest as you do, for somebody has sent me some varses in relashin to the
+nex great emancipashin which is to cum off, cut from some noospaper. I
+will read 'em to you:
+
+    THE EMANCIPATION BALL,
+
+    GIVEN TO FOUR MILLIONS OF NEGROES, BY THE GREAT REPUBLICAN
+    P-A-I-R-T-Y.
+
+           *       *       *
+
+    Anodder Great Ball is soon to be,
+    De like of which you nebber did see,
+    De bids is out I's seen a few,
+    De guests I know, and so do you.
+        Lubly Rosa! Sambo come!
+        Don't you hear de banjo?
+          Tum! Tum! Tum!
+
+    De fust on de list is Mistah Snow,
+    And de nex is Jeemes and Dinah Crow;
+    Chalk and ivory! heels and shins!
+    White man wait till the dance begins!
+        Lubly Rosa! Sambo come!
+        Don't you hear de banjo?
+          Tum! Tum! Tum!
+
+    Pompey Smash, and his lady fair!
+    You may bet your life dey will bofe be dare!
+    And Mistah Ducklegs--bully for he!
+    Such a gizzard foot you nebber did see.
+        Lubly Rosa! Sambo come!
+        Don't you hear de banjo?
+          Tum! Tum! Tum!
+
+    And Gumbo Squash wid his bressed grin,
+    His curling har, and his cho-shin--
+    De King ob Hearts will come to de Bal,
+    Let the gals look out for dare feckshuns all!
+        Lubly Rosa! Sambo come!
+        Don't you hear de banjo?
+          Tum! Tum! Tum!
+
+    Ole Uncle Ned, frow down dat hoe!
+    And Dinah, drop dat kitchen dough!
+    All Dixie's free, wid noffin to do
+    But to dance all night, and all day too.
+        Lubly Rosa! Sambo come!
+        Don't you hear de banjo?
+          Tum! Tum! Tum!
+
+    De white trash dey have nuffin to say,
+    But to work! work! and de taxes pay;
+    While the bressed darkies dance dere fill,
+    Let de white trash foot de fiddler's bill!
+        Lubly Rosa! Sambo come!
+        Don't you hear de banjo!
+          Tum! Tum! Tum!
+
+    White Men! White Men! Sure as you're born,
+    The crows are going to take your corn!
+    They surround your fields on every tree,
+    And they blacken the sky as far as we see.
+        Lubly Rosa! Sambo stay,
+        In the land of Dixie,
+          Far away."
+
+Linkin laughed at it when I got thru, an sed it done very well for some
+sore-hed Dimmycrat, but that Whittiur could write one on 'tother side
+that this would not be a primin to. I telled him Whittiur might make
+better poetry, but I doubted whether ther would as much truth in it as
+this had.
+
+Linkin ses he wants me to study up the finances for him. He ses the
+debt is gettin fearful, an as I am good at cyferin, he ses I must try
+to help him out on that subject. He wants to put it in his nex message.
+It is some time since I did such work, but if I feel like it, I will go
+into it, an will write you how I get along.
+
+Your frend,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER VIII.
+
+_Matters get Confused--The "Kernel and the Major" Compelled to go to
+Fortress Monroe to Straighten Things Out--Mr. Lincoln Takes his
+Revolver--The Major Sticks to His Hickory--Arrival at Fort Monroe--They
+go on a "Tippergraphical Rekonnisanze"--A Night Alarm--Secretary
+Stanton Tries to get on the President's Pantaloons._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, May 13th, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--Wal, if I ain't eenamost tired out, I wouldn't say so. Wen I
+writ you last, I told you that Linkin wanted me to look into the
+financies and cifer where we was a comin to, but I ain't had time to do
+it yet. Things have ben in a kind of a dubbel and twisted snarl here
+lately. Sekretary Stantin and Gins. McClellin and McDowell have been
+almost by the ears. One of em halls Linkin one way and another t'other
+way, until he got eenamost crazy. McClellin wanted more sojers. Stantin
+sed he didn't have em for him. McDowell sed he wanted more, and Banks
+wanted more. So you see here was a pretty kittle of fish. Finally, Mr.
+Linkin, ses he, "Majer, wat on erth shall I do?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel,
+I tell you my idee. You better go down to Fort Monrow, an see for
+yourself. I allers found, when I had a lot of hands in the field a
+mowin, there was nothin like havin the boss on hand. If he ain't there,
+they all want to be boss." "Wal," ses Linkin, "I think that is a good
+plan, Majer; and if you will go along with me, I will go down there,
+and if I don't straiten things out there, my name ain't Abe Linkin.
+But, Major, how shall we go?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, do jist as
+Ginneral Jackson used to; step of kinder unbeknown to eny one, but you
+kin invite all your a mind to go along." "Wal," ses he, "I guess I'll
+take Chase and Stantin along. I want Stantin so as to ask questions; an
+if I leave Chase here, he an Seward will git a quarrelin sure as you
+live. I never see two men so jealous of each other. They both want to
+be President so bad, that I expect nothin else but some day they'll
+steal my old boots."
+
+The next day Linkin got all ready, put on his best close, and slicked
+up so he looked purty nice. Then he got his six-barreled revolver, and
+put it in his side coat pocket. Ses I, "Kernel, what on arth do want of
+revolvers?" "Wal," ses he, "Majer, aint we goin down to the land of the
+Secesh, and who knows but we may git in an ambushcade?" "Wal," ses I,
+"Kernel, that's a fact; but I shan't carry anything but my old hickory.
+Ginneral Jackson cum pretty nigh killin a man once with his hickory,
+and I believe, Kernel, old as I am, I'de give any Secesher a pretty
+good tussel with that old shag bark."
+
+"Wal," ses Linkin, "I wan't brought up that way. I'de rather have an ax
+than any other weepin, for I believe I could split the Southern
+Confederacy into rails in a week, and fence it in, if it were only
+fashionable to warfare in that manner; but you see, Majer, we've got to
+lick the rebils according to science, or John Bull and Looe Napoleon
+will kick up a rumpus. So I'll have to stick to revolvers."
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that's right; but give me the hickory. If I
+don't defend myself with that, then my name ain't Majer Jack Downing. I
+ain't goin to make a masked battery of myself."
+
+So we all got reddy and went off in the Miamy, so quiet like, that
+Washington peeple didn't scasely know it. Ginneral Wool was terribully
+tickled to see us, and he shook me by the hand jest as hard as he
+could. I hadn't seen the old Ginneral for a great manny years, but he
+don't seem a mite older than he did nigh on twenty years ago. The next
+day after we got there, we had a council of war, and it was decided to
+attack Norfolk. But how to do it was the question. "Wal," ses Linkin,
+"I tell you what, I know somethin about boatin, and the Majer here he
+is quick at eenamost anything. So we'll go on a tippergraphical
+rekonnisanze to-morrow." Ses I, "Kernel, them big words may be all
+right, but I'll be darned if I believe they're English." Ses I, "Ain't
+it jist as easy to say that we're goin on a military tower of
+obsevashin?"
+
+The next mornin we started off in the Miamy, and went towards Norfolk.
+Every place we cum to, the naval offesers sed wouldn't answer to land
+troops on. It couldn't be done. Finerally, I showed Linkin a spot close
+in shore, and ses he, "Them old canal-botes up there at the Fort, that
+you sed looked as if they were the runin gear of Noah's ark, are fit
+for nothin else but to be towed over here for the troops to land on."
+Ses I, "Kernel, that's so, and if the sea captains can't do it, I kin,
+for I sailed a sloop once down in Maine, and I know sumthin about the
+bizness." So wen Linkin pinted out the spot, they tried to find fault
+agin, and talked about the tide and the sinkin of the boats, etc. Just
+then I stepped up, and ses I, "Mr. President, I'm an old man, but if
+you want sojers landed there, I'll land 'em safe and sound as a pipe
+stem; if I don't, then my name ain't Majer Jack Downing." Wen the brass
+button, pompous chaps heered me say that I was Majer Jack Downing, you
+never seen a wisker set of fellers. They all at once began to make
+apologys, and sed that they would try it, that they guessed it could be
+done, and so on. I see thru the fellers at once. They didn't want
+Linkin to have _eny_ of the credit of it; but when they see that I was
+goin to do it, and take _all_ the credit, then they were willin to go
+to work. I ralely believe there ain't a officer in the navy or army but
+what expects to get glory enuff in this war to make him a President.
+Wal, after we fixed on this place, we all went back to the Fort, and
+Ginneral Wool give us all first rate rooms in the offiser's quarters.
+The next mornin, bright and arly, the sojers were off, and Ginneral
+Wool leadin 'em. As it turned out, everything went off jest as slick as
+could be. The rebils had cut sticks and run, and there was no one to
+take. The Ginneral went into town, run up the stars and stripes, and it
+was all over with. Norfolk was ours.
+
+[Illustration: "I'm darned if the critter warnt bizzy tryin' to git on
+Linkin's trowsers."--Page 80.]
+
+Ginneral Wool was so tickled with his success that the old man cum post
+haste back agin, late at nite, to tell Linkin and Stantin of it. We had
+all got to bed. We slept in rooms that jined each other, Linkin
+occupyin the middle room, an myself an Stantin one on each side, with
+the doors openin into Linkin's room. Wen we went to bed, ses the Kernel
+to me, kinder jokin, ses he, "Majer, if the Secesh attack us to-nite,
+you must have your hickory reddy." Ses I, "Kernel, look out for your
+revolver, an put it under your piller, so you kin grab it handy." Wal,
+what should happen along towards mornin but a most terribul noise, some
+one beatin, an stampin, an yellin, like all possessed. First, I thought
+of the Secesh, and I grabbed my hickory at once, an made for the
+Kernel's room in my nite-shirt to see how he was feelin. I came pretty
+nigh bustin my sides a laughin, for there Linkin stood up on a cheer,
+lookin for all the world like a treed porcupine; his hair stood on
+eends, and he was a shaking his pistol around as if he meant to shoot.
+Ses I, "Hold on, Kernel; don't fire. Let's see what this rumpus is all
+about before you shoot." Stantin, was in Linkin's room, lookin like a
+spook in his white nite-gown; an I'm darned if the critter warn't bizzy
+trying to git on Linkin's trowsers! He got 'em on after a fashen, but
+his legs didn't more than go half thru 'em, an there he stood kinder
+tangled up like, lookin awful sorry about somethin, as if he'ed wanted
+to issue a bulletin an couldn't? All the while the noise kept growin
+louder, an finally ses I, "Who on arth is that makin such a tarnal
+racket?" "It's me. It's me," ses a voice. Ses I, "Who is me? Are you
+Union or Secesh?" "I'm Ginneral Wool," ses he, "an I want to tell you
+the noose." Now, we didn't no more expect to see Ginneral Wool than we
+did Jeff Davis; but sure enuff, it was him, and he cum thunderin in an
+brought his old cane down on the floor with a ring. Ses he, "Norfolk is
+ours, by ----." I won't put in the swearing part. You never did see
+such a change. Linkin jumped down out of the cheer, and ketched the old
+Ginneral by the hand, and cum pretty nigh shakin it off, while Stantin
+took him rite in his arms. Wen the story had all been heerd, and Linkin
+went to look for his trowsers, there was Stantin with his legs in 'em,
+holden them up by his hands. Ses I, "Kernel, Mr. Stantin will get to be
+President if you ain't kerful, for I see he's got on the President's
+trowsers." Wen I sed that, I thought Stantin would wilt. He looked
+awfully struck up, but sed he'd no idee them was Linkin's trowsers, and
+he backed out of them quick.
+
+The next day there was great rejoicing in the hull army, and we all cum
+back to Washington in the Miamy. I've jist got back, and have only had
+time to write you this letter. Wen yew hear from me agin I hope I
+shan't be so tired, and try to give you a more interesting letter.
+
+Your friend,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER IX.
+
+_The Major Figures on the "Nashinal Debt"--Horse Contracts and
+"Abolishin Preechers"--Banks Defeated--The Major Suggests a New
+Fashioned Shield expressly for Retreats--A Wheelbarrow for every
+Soldier!--Excitement in Washington--The President not Scared "a
+Hooter"_
+
+
+WASHINGTON, May 26th, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--Sence I writ you last, I've been figering on the nashinul debt,
+and I tell you what it is, it is jest about the most intricit subjec I
+ever got hold of. I've used up two duzzen slates and about a cart load
+of slate pencils. Linkin has sent on to York for a fresh supply, and
+wen they cum I'm goin' at it agin. Squire Biddle's Bank warn't a primin
+to this war debt. You see the contracters and the pollyticians, and the
+Members of Congress and the Guvernors of the States, and the editers
+and even the Abolishin preechers are mixed up in it cleen to their ize.
+It's very queer how so many of these preechers have had hoss contracts.
+It seems as if Abolishin and hoss jockeying goes together. One pius
+chap wrote on the back of his contract, "An horse is a vain thing for
+safety. Put your trust in the Lord." I should think that such hosses as
+he furnished would be a vain thing for safety, for nigh about the hull
+of 'em was spavined, or ring-boned, or foundered, or had the blind
+staggers. I tell you it's edefyin to look over these contracts. Linkin
+has giv me a cart blank to pry into the hull subjec, but Chase squirms
+terribully wen I questshin him close. But I ain't got half done. The
+other day, as I was porerin over my last slate, which was pretty nigh
+sifered full, Linkin sent for me in a grate hurry. I started rite off,
+wunderin what on arth was up. Wen I went in, the Kernel had his cote
+off and his sleeves rolled up, an ses he, "Majer, do you know where I
+kin get a first-rate axe?" Ses I, "Kernel, I know where there is the
+best axe that ever chopped wood, but," ses I, "it's way up in
+Downingville." Ses he, "That won't do, Majer; I must have an axe rite
+off, or I shall bust; I can't live unless I work off this steem." I see
+the Kernel had on a high-pressure excitement, and ses I, "Hold on a
+minnit, Kernel, and tell me what on arth's the matter?" "Matter!" ses
+he, "jest read that, Majer, and tell me whether you don't think that
+that infernal cuss, Stantin, ought to be kicked out of the Cabinet?" I
+took up the paper and there was a despatch from Ginneral Banks, sayin
+how the rebils had licked him and was drivin him back like all
+possessed, and all because Stantin had takin away his troops and sent
+'em away where they warn't wanted. Ses I, "Kernel, I have had a good
+deal of doubt about that feller, Stantin, ever sence he tried to get on
+your trowsers down at Fort Munrow. You see you can't never depend a
+grate deal on a turn coat. He once perfessed to be a pro-slavery man,
+but now he goes in for the Abolishinists even stronger than the
+Simon-pures. I tell you, Kernel, you better look out for him." "Wal,"
+ses Linkin, "we ain't got no time to talk about that. The Secesh are
+almost on Washington agin, and jest think what France and England will
+say. Why, Seward rote 'em at the last steamer that it was all
+over--that New Orleans was open--that Richmond would be taken in a few
+days; and here, by this stupid blunder, we are agin jest back where we
+were a year ago, and I've got to call fer more troops to defend the
+Capital. What on arth will we do?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, if swarein or
+even choppin wood do any good, I would advise you to do one or both;
+but you see they won't. So put on your coat and let's talk this matter
+over." So we jest went over the subjec, and soon decided what to do. I
+tell you we made the telegraff fly all day Sunday, and by night we all
+began to feel a grate deal easier. That nite the Kernel and I had a
+long talk, and I told him I had invented a new military system to
+prevent the dangers of a retreat, and that, ef it had been adopted in
+Ginneral Banks' case he would have come off with all his men, and
+almost without a scratch. The Kernel he was dredful anxious to know
+what it was. So I told him that my idee was to have every man supplied
+with a sheet-iron shield, about five foot long and about two foot wide,
+to strap rite on his back when he commenced to retreat. Then the enemy
+might fire as hard as they pleased, while our sojers could take their
+time and not be compelled to run themselves out of breath.
+
+"Wal," ses Linkin, "how would they carry it when marchin?" He thought
+he had me there, but ses I, "Kernel, my plan involves a hull change in
+the art of war. Insted of so many baggage waggins and such long trains,
+I would have a wheelbarrow for every sojer! Don't you see," ses I,
+"Kernel, how nice that would work? Every man could carry his own
+vittals, and his ammunition, his shield, &c., &c., jest as complete as
+could be. Wen there was any fighten to be done, the wheelbarrows could
+all be placed in the rear, the sojers arm themselves and go out and
+fight. If they were whipped all they would have to do would be to fall
+back to the wheelbarrows, strap on their shield and walk off! There
+would be no runnin then to get out of the reach of bullets, and
+retreats of thirty-five miles a day would be useless. With an army of
+that kind, Kernel, we could subdue the Southern Confederacy in 'sixty
+days,' and make out Seward a prophet after all." "I'm afraid, Majer,
+it's too late in the day to introduce your new military system. This
+infernal Southern Confederacy has got to be whipped pretty soon with
+such old hosses and waggins as we have got, or this Union is split jest
+as sure as my name is Abe Linkin. You see, Majer, you can't make a
+whistle out of a pig's tail, and it seems to me jest about impossibul
+ever to make Union men agin out of the rebils. However, they shan't
+have Washington, ef I have to call every man in the North here to
+defend it." Ses I, "Kernel, that's right. I'de stick to the White House
+until the top blowed off and the cellar caved in."
+
+You better believe we've been in an awful excitement here sence the
+news about Banks cum. Seward looks paler than ever, while Chase is
+skeert half to deth for fear of its effect on the Treasury. The Kernel
+and I, however, keep cool, and we are getting things pretty well
+straightened out, so ef the Secesh come here now, they may wish they
+had never got so nigh Washington.
+
+Linkin ses "he warn't skeered a hooter, but was only rarin mad." At any
+rate, he looked awful savage, and ef he had had my axe, I ralely
+believe he might have split rails enough to fence the Southern
+Confederacy in.
+
+I had intended to be back to Downingville before the first of June, but
+Linkin says he won't hear of my goin until he sees more daylight down
+South. I must be there the 4th of July, at any rate, for I never allow
+that day to go by without reviewin the Downingville melisha.
+
+Your friend,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER X.
+
+_The Major Troubled with his old Complaint, the "Rumatics"--He
+Examines the Finances--Mr. Chase Frightened--The Major Figures up the
+Accounts on His Slate--Returns and Shows the Result to Mr. Lincoln--He
+is Astounded--The "Kernel and the Majer" Take Some Old Rye--The Major
+Proposes to Return to Downingville to Spend the 4th of July._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, June 8th, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--It has been mity onpleasant wether sence I writ you last, an I
+have had a rale sharp twinge of the rumatics. These cold rains in June
+are hard on a constitushin that has had a tussle with nigh on to about
+eighty winters; but howsever, with a little elder bark tee, my favorit
+remedy wen it's mixed with a good deal of old rye, I've got now about
+as good as new agin. So the other day I telled Linkin I was going to
+finish up my sifering on the financies. He sed he wished I would, for
+he was alreddy beginning to think about laying the foundashin for his
+nex message, an he wanted the facts to put in. So I telled him he must
+give me a letter of authority that I might show the Seckatary of the
+Treasury, so that he would see that I warn't eny common chap coming to
+pry into what was none of my business. So Linkin sat down an writ a
+letter as follows:
+
+    "DEAR SUR:--Majer Jack Downing is authorized to examine into the
+    state of the financies _in partickelar_.
+
+    "A. LINKIN."
+
+Wen the Kernel first writ the letter, he didn't have on the last two
+words in italicks. I asked him to put 'em on, an he did. "Majer, what
+do you want them words for?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, them words will
+puzzle Chase eenamost to death, an will so trubbel him that he will
+think ef he dares to keep back the truth, that you'll be sure to give
+him his walkin papers. You see, Kernel, you must be a little mysterous
+with these pollyticians, or else they don't get afeered of you."
+
+I then put the letter in my hat, rite under the linin, an, takin my
+slate under my arm, and my hickory in my hand, I started for the
+Treasury buildin. It aint far from the White House, an I soon got
+there. It's a mity big pile of stones, I tell you, and must have cost a
+heep of money to have got it fixed up so nice. Jest as I was goin in
+the door, I met Mr. Chase comin out. He knew me an I knew him, tho' he
+didn't suspect for a minnit what I was after. Ses he, "Majer, I'm
+mighty tickled to see you. It does my heart good to see a genuwine
+loyal man in these days of rebellyn, an I know you're one." "Wal," says
+I, "Mr. Seckatary, ef Ginneral Jackson was a loyal man, then I'm one,
+and ef he warn't loyal then there ain't eny sich thing as loyalty." Ses
+he, "Majer, you're rite, an what kin I do for you this mornin?" "Wal,"
+says I, "Mr. Seckatary, I've come around to inquire into the state of
+the financies. The President ses he's very busy, an bein as I was good
+at figers, he wanted me to jest take a look at the books an see how the
+ackounts stand."
+
+Wen I sed this, I see he didn't look pleased at all. He began to make
+sum sort of apologies, that the ackounts were behindhand, and so on,
+but I telled him I warn't partickelar about all the little items, an
+that I only wanted to get at the ginneral sum; but as he still seemed
+to be hesitatin, thinks I to myself, now's the time to show him the
+President's letter--that will fix him, sure. So I took off my hat and
+showed it to him. Wen he red it he was as perlite as a nigger wen he
+wants to humbug you. He looked at it a long time before he sed
+enything. Wen he did speak, ses he, "Majer, what do these last words
+'in partickelar' mean?" "Wal," ses I, "I don't know as I can tell. The
+President put 'em in there, and I didn't ask him what he meant by 'em."
+You see, I warn't goin to be fool enough to let him think I had
+suggested his putting 'em there, for that would have spoilt all my
+plans. I see he was worried, an that was jest what I wanted.
+
+After that he asked me to come in his office, and he began to tell me
+that the financies were in a very prosperous condishun. He took down a
+big book which he sed his clarks had prepared for him, so that he could
+see every Saturday night jest how much the Government was in debt. I
+took a look at it, but I couldn't tell head nor tail to it. He sed they
+kept their books by dubbel entry. I telled him that I should think that
+a single entry would be as many times as such a debt as ours ought to
+be chalked down. "Now," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, I want to get at this
+subject in a way that 'plain people,' as the Kernel says, can
+understand it." Ses I, "What is the debt now?" "Wal," ses he, "it is
+$491,000,000." "Is that all?" ses I. "Why, in your report last winter
+you estimated that it would be $517,000,000, and you don't say that it
+is less than the estimate." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, that is what the
+books say." "Now," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, them books by dubbel entry ain't
+worth a peck of saw-dust. There was Deacon Doolittle's son, Hosea, of
+Downingville, who went to York and set up the dry-goods business. Wen
+he failed, his books showed that he was worth two hundred thousand
+dollars, and yet he didn't have money enough to get his wife hum to his
+father's. You see dubbel entry is a good deal like riding two horses at
+once; you can't manage 'em, and things get so kinder mixed up in profit
+and loss, and notes payable and notes receevable, that you can't tell
+how you stand. Now," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, I want to ask you some
+questshins by single entry, and I will put the ansers down on the
+slate." Ses I, "Didn't you say in your report that the estemate for the
+army was for 400,000 soldiers, $400,000,000; for 500,000 soldiers,
+$500,000,000, and so on?" "Yes, Majer, that was the statement, I
+beleeve." "Wal, now," ses I, "we can figer this down in short meter.
+How many soldiers have you had?" "Wal," ses he, "over 600,000 have been
+paid for, nigh about 700,000." "Now," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, you don't
+want any dubbel entry, or threbbel entry to get at that; the
+multiplicashun tabel is just as good a document as I want. Take that
+and my slate, and I ken figer it up in a minnit. You see, there is
+$700,000,000 at one slap. Your books may show what you have paid, but
+you see, Mr. Seckatary, you are running this war on credit, and because
+you ain't paid all your debts, that is no sign that you won't have to.
+Besides," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, you have made, you know, some
+miscalculashuns, and mebby you may make more. In your first report in
+July, 1861, I've ben readin it keerfully, and I've got it marked down
+on the slate here, you sed the expenses for 1862 would be $318,000,000,
+but in December, you said they would be $543,000,000. Now, here was
+mistake of over $200,000,000. You sed in July, the tariff would yield
+$57,000,000. In December you said you could not calculate on over
+$32,000,000. You estemated the receipts from land sales, in July, at
+$3,000,000. You cut it down in December to $2,300,000; and now
+Congress, by passing the Homestead bill, will whittle it all off. Here,
+you see, are some great mistakes, but there are some on the other side
+of the account. There are some items of expenses, too, which you have
+omitted. There's the $30,000,000 recently passed to settle up Cameron's
+ackounts. Then there is a $100,000,000 of outstandin debts. Then there
+is $100 bounty to each soldier, which, by the time the war is over will
+amount to $100,000,000 anyhow. Then there is $1,000,000 given to buy
+the niggers in this District. Let us see how much that makes. I'll add
+it up--$250,000,000, which, added to the $700,000,000, makes
+$950,000,000, as the present debt Uncle Sam has on his shoulders. You
+might just as well call it a THOUSAND MILLION OF DOLLARS and be done
+with it."
+
+Wen I got through, the Seckatary looked amazin red in the face, and ses
+he, "Majer, the truth is, where there is so many peopul spendin money
+its mity hard to keep track of all the items." "Wal," ses I, "there
+ain't only one more pint on which I want to show you you have made a
+mistake. In December last, you calkelated that the war expenses for
+1863 would be $360,000,000, but the House has already passed bills for
+the army amounting to $520,000,000. Then you thought, Mr. Seckatary,
+that the war would be ended by July, but here it is about that time,
+and we only seem to be jest fairly getting into the shank of the
+fight."
+
+"Wal, to tell the truth, Majer, this war has disappinted the hull of
+us, but I think I havn't been so foolish as Seward. I never sed it
+would end in 'sixty days.'"
+
+"That's so," ses I, "but you see there's nothin like tellin the truth
+rite out, and its allus very bad to deceive the people on money
+matters. You may love the niggers, Mr. Seckratary, as much as you want
+to, but don't try to pull _the wool_ over white folks' eyes, or let
+other people do it, for it will break down the administration as sure
+as my name is Majer Jack Downing."
+
+"Wal," ses he, "Majer, that's so, and when I send in my next report,
+I'm goin to jest speak rite out. I've tried to do my best to keep down
+expenses, but I can't, and when I get another chance I'me goin to put
+the blame where it belongs."
+
+Ses I, "That's rite, Mr. Seckratary. Don't let the raskils git clear
+without bein exposed. But ef you undertake to cover up their tracks,
+you will come out jest as old Squire Biddle did in that United States
+Bank matter."
+
+I then bid the Seckratary "good mornin," and started back to the White
+House. He was very perlite to me, and said he hoped the President and
+me would look at the subjeck favorably. I telled him that the Kernel
+would do what was jest rite, and that ef he would only keep a sharp
+lookout on the plunderers and stealers, I would be his friend till
+deth. He sed he would, and we shook hands and parted.
+
+Wen I got back Linkin sot in a cheer fast asleep, with his feet up on a
+tabel. I giv the tabel a rap with my hickory, and the Kernel stratened
+up jest like openin a jack nife, and ses he, "Was I asleep, Majer?"
+"Yes, jest as solid as a saw-log. What on arth makes you sleep," ses I,
+"rite in the middle of the day?" "Wal," ses he, "Majer, the truth is, I
+was readin the Nashinal _Intelligencer!_" "Sure enuf," ses I, "that's
+worse than opium." "But," says he, "what about the finances?" Then I
+showed him the slate, and how I had figered up the debt, and told him
+all I sed to Mr. Chase. I never see a man so flustrated as Linkin was.
+"Wal," ses he, "Majer, ef I was only back to Illinoy safe and sound,
+you wouldn't never ketch me a runnin for President agin. I had no idee
+that the debt was anything like this. But ef the music has to be faced,
+I'll face it. There's one thing, Majer, that we've got the advantage of
+any other administrashin in. We can say that this debt was a 'military
+necessity!' That cuts off debate." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, perhaps the
+people will be satisfied with that, and perhaps they won't. Any how,
+that won't make it any easier to pay the taxis." "Wal," says Linkin,
+"we'll leave that subjec to posterity." Ses I, "Is that fair, Kernel,
+to burden posterity in that fashun?" "Wal," ses he, "what's posterity
+ever done for us?"
+
+The Kernel then took down the figers off my slate in his book, and sed
+he would keep 'em for his nex message.
+
+Then Linkin, ses he, "Majer, you've worked like a nailer on these
+figers, an it's an awful dry an tough subjec. So I think you better
+have some old rye to sort of top off with." Then he called the feller
+in purty bad clothes, who does arrands, and telled him to bring out the
+black bottle. "Now, Majer," ses the Kernel, "take a good swig. It will
+be healthy for your rumatiz. As for me, I'll jest take a little for
+company sake. I don't drink myself, you know, Majer, but I like to have
+a little old rye aroun; an I allus tell the old woman ef there's eny of
+it missin not to ask eny questshins." After we got dun drinking, ses I,
+"Kernel, I have been here with you ever sence the 1st of February, an
+wen I cum I didn't expec to stay more than a month. Now, the 4th of
+July is comin along close at hand, an I must be thinking about gettin
+back to Downingville, for I must be there before the 4th. Now," ses I,
+"Kernel, ef you'll only go along with me down there, as Ginneral
+Jackson did, I'll promise you a great recepshun."
+
+"Wal," ses he, "Majer, I can't go. The truth is, the rebils need
+watchin. But you tell the Downingville folks that jest as soon as the
+rebelyun is put down, I'm comin down ther. A town that can turn out
+such a loyall regiment as the 'Downingville Insensibles,' and such
+talented officers as Insine Stebbins, must be, as we Westerners say, 'a
+heep of a place.' I'm sorry to have you go, Majer, but I hope you'll be
+able to cum back after the nashinul annyversary."
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I can't promis, but I'll see how my rumatiz gets
+on."
+
+I shall pack up in a few days, onless somethin onexpected occurs, and
+it may be the next time you heer from me, will be from Downingville. If
+you print this letter, I hope you'll apologize for its dullness, for
+figgers are mity dry readin for most peepel. However, ef they don't
+study into figgers about these days, it won't be long, I'me afeered,
+before they'll be sorry they didn't.
+
+Your frend,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XI.
+
+_The Major Does not go to Downingville--Loses His Hickory--Gets a
+Bottle of Whiskey by Adams Express Co.--The Major Declines to Sign the
+Receipt at First--Whiskey and the Constitution--"The Constitushinal
+Teliskope"--A Magical Change--Mr. Seward's Trick--The Major Discovers
+it--A Negro in It._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, June 18, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--I expect you'll be struck all aback to git anuther letter from
+me, dated Washington, and I'm kinder surprised myself, for I expected
+to be in Downingville, long afore this. But you'll see by the time you
+git through this letter, that it was impossibul for me to leave. I got
+my trunks all packed up and ready to start, when lo! and beheld, my
+hickery, that Ginneral Jackson give me, was missin! Now, I couldn't no
+more travil without my hickery cane then I could sodder up this broken
+Union with skim milk. I told Linkin I was all ready, but that my
+hickery was missin. So he called the feller in putty bad close, who
+does chores around the White House, and asked him if he'd seen it? He
+sed he hadn't. Then I reckollected that there had been a Cabbynet
+meetin the night before, and it struck me that some of the members had
+walked off with it. So Linkin sent the feller around to see. After he'd
+gone, I told Linkin ef any of 'em had it that I'd bet it was Stantin,
+for ses I, "Kernel, ever sense he tried to get on your trowsers down to
+Fort Monrow, he's acted jest as ef he wanted to play Ginneral Jackson,
+and ef he can git a piece of hickery that the old Ginneral has handled,
+he'd think that he was on the road to glory." Sure enuf he had it, but
+pretended it was all a mistake, jest as he did when I caught him in the
+Kernel's trowsers. Depend upon it, Stantin needs watchin, for he is one
+of them kind of fellers who's got it into ther head that they are
+forordained for somethin, and they don't know what.
+
+The loss of my hickery kept me over one day longer, and the next day I
+got the bottle of Borebon whiskey which you sent to me. A feller by the
+name of Adams fetched it, and he wouldn't take any pay for his trubble
+either. I asked him ef he was eny relashin to Phil Adams, who used to
+keep a tanyard in Downingville, as he was a very clever man, and used
+to do enything for his naybors for nothin. The chap laughed rite out
+loud at this, and sed "He didn't see it." Ses I, "What don't you see?"
+"Wal," sed he, "never mind, old feller, about tellin long stories, but
+jest put your name rite down there," and he handed out a big book full
+of writin. Ses I, "Mr. Adams, I never put my name to enything that I
+don't understand." Ses I, "That may be a secesh docyment for all I
+know." Ses the feller, ses he, "Git out! this is only a receipt for
+that bottle." "Wal," ses I, "ef that's all, then here goes." So I got
+my spectacles and a quill pen, for I never rite with eny of the
+new-fangled kinds, and I jest rote out "Majer Jack Downing" in a stile
+that made the fellow stare. Ses I, "Mr. Adams, you have some awful poor
+riters among the fellers you deal with, but I ain't ashamed of that
+ritin enywhere." The chap he looked at it a moment, and then he looked
+at me, and finally ses he, "Bully for you," and in a jiffy he was off,
+without even shakin hands or sayin good by.
+
+After he was gone I took the bottle into Linkin's room and opened it.
+"Now," ses I, "Kernel, let's try this licker." "Wal," ses he, "Major,
+I'm a good judge of Borebon, for it comes from my old State of
+Kentuck." Wen Linkin saw the name on the bottle, "Mr. Cotton, 306
+Washington street, N.Y.," ses he, "Major, do you think this is loyal
+wiskey?" "Why," ses I, "Kernel, what makes you ask that questshin?"
+"Wal," ses he, "don't you see the man's name is _Cotton_!" "Now,"
+ses I, "Kernel, what an idee that is! Do you suppose it would be
+dangerous for him to live down in Secesh, where they are burning
+_cotton_ as fast as they kin?" "Wal, never mind the name, Majer,
+let us taste of the wiskey. I can tell whether its loyal or not." So I
+opened the bottle and poured out some, and the Kernel took a good swig.
+I also took a snifter, and we both pronounced it A No. 1 licker, and
+loyal, too. "Now," ses I, "Kernel, can you tell me why this wiskey is
+like the Constitushin of the United States?" "No," ses he, "I don't see
+eny simularity." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, this wiskey was made for _White
+Men_, jest as the Constitushin was." Ses he, "Majer, how do you know it
+was made for white men?" "Wal," see I, "it is jest as plain to me as
+daylight. You see, Kernel, the licker agrees with you. It tastes good.
+It won't hurt you; in a word, it corresponds with natur. That's a sign
+it was made for you. Jest so it was with the Constitushin. It applies
+to white men exactly, and they've always got along together with it
+fust rate. Now, you give this wiskey to the niggers, and they get drunk
+on it, and cut up all sorts of scrapes, but white men, whom it was made
+for, know jest how to use it, and it don't do them eny hurt. Jest so
+with the Constitushin; you apply it to niggers and it is jest as bad
+for 'em as wiskey. They don't know how to use it, an they'll destroy
+everything, an make themselves an everybody else ten times worse off."
+"Wal," ses the Kernel, ses he, "Majer, I wish I could see how it is
+that the Constitushin don't apply to niggers jest as much as to white
+men." Ses I, "Kernel, you don't look at the Constitushin thru
+constitushinal spectacles. That Chicago Platform bothers you." "Now,"
+ses I, "Kernel, ef I'll make you a Constitushinal Tellskope, will you
+promise me to use it? If you will, it will be about as good a guide to
+you as ef I staid here all summer myself?" Ses I, "It will show the
+Constitushin as it is, an the Union as it was." Wen I spoke of this,
+Linkin sed he'd be tickled eenamost to deth ef I would make him one. So
+I told him I could do it in one day, an that although I was very anxus
+to get hum, yet I'd fix this up before I started. So I jest went up to
+my room and began to plan. I had a pair of old spectacles, which
+Ginneral Jackson give me, and I knew that the glasses were jest as
+sound constitushinal glasses as were ever looked thru. So I took 'em
+out of the cases, an got a magnifyin glass and put between 'em, an
+fixed 'em in a long, narrer box. It took me about all day before I got
+it finished. Wen it was all done, I looked thru it, and you never see
+sech a glorious site. I could see jest as ef it was the hull Union
+layin out before me. There was the Stars and Stripes, an the eagle, an
+thirty millions of white people, all happy an contented, an joy an
+prosperity smilin everywhere. An the sky seemed to be bendin down so as
+to almost tech the arth, an away up in the clouds I could see rais of
+light streemin forth, an I thought I could even see the angil robes of
+Washington, an Jefferson, an Madison, and the old Ginneral lookin down,
+an rite over the hull was the words, "GLORY" and "PEACE," in grate big
+letters. It was raley beautiful. I got a lookin at it, an forgot all
+about myself, in a sort of a reveree, and wen I cum to, I found I'd
+been cryin, because, you see, that was the Union _as it was_, an not as
+it is now. In fact, wen I got awake, I found it was eenamost pitch
+dark, an so Linkin couldn't look thru the Teliskope that nite. Then I
+got a piece of chalk, an marked it "LINKIN'S TELISKOPE," an took it to
+him.
+
+"There," ses I, "Kernel, that Teliskope is done, an to-morrow you kin
+take a look at the Union as it was, an the Constitushin as it is." Ses
+I, "The scene is a glorious one." So I left the Teliskope in Linkin's
+room that nite, an went to bed.
+
+The next morning after I got my breakfast, I went in, "And now," ses I,
+"Kernel, we must try the Teliskope." So I thought I'd look thru fust to
+see ef the glasses were set all rite, wen I was never so took aback in
+my life. Instead of the joy and happiness, and the smilin faces, and
+the thirty millions of white people, the rais of lite in the sky with
+"GLORY and PEACE" on em, all was dark and dismal. All I could see was
+some 4,000,000 of niggers, and war, and bloodshed, and misery, camps
+full of sick sojers and broken waggons, wimmen and children cryin, and
+the sky was black, and away up on a black cloud, in letters still
+blacker, I could see the words "NEGRO FREEDOM and WAR."
+
+I jumped back as ef I was hit wen I saw it. Ses Linkin, "What's the
+matter, Majer?" Ses I, "Kernel, that Teliskope is all out of order. It
+ain't rite." But Linkin sed he hadn't teched it, so I was puzzled. So
+after thinkin awhile, ses I, "Kernel, was there enybody here last nite
+after I went away!" "Yes," ses he, "Boss Seward came in for a while and
+talked over matters." Ses I, "Did he tech this?" "Wal, he was lookin
+kinder inquirin at it, and I telled him what it was, and he seemed to
+be grately struck, and examined it very clus."
+
+"No," ses I, "that ackounts for it. The pesky critter has been playin
+one of his cunnin tricks on me; but my name ain't Jack Downing ef I
+don't expose him. No true constitushinal Teliskope will giv such a view
+as that of the Union." So I sot down and took out my jack nife, and
+went to work takin it all apart. I found the box all rite; there warnt
+enything in the tube, and I was puzzlin myself what could be the
+matter, when I slipped up the magnifying glass, and rite back of it was
+a little bit of a _paper nigger_, black as the ace of spades, that
+_that feller Seward had cunninly slipped in there_! You see that at
+once ackounted for the hull troubbel, for the magnifin glass reflected
+the nigger instead of what it would, naterally, the white man. After I
+took the nigger out, it was all rite agin, and wen Linkin looked thru
+it, he was perfectly astonished. "Now," ses I, "Kernel, you see that it
+is tryin to put the nigger where he don't belong that is the cause of
+all our trubbel. He don't belong in the Constitushin, and when we
+undertake to put him ther it won't work. This trick of Seward's jest
+shows you what he's up to. Now, Kernel, I'm going to start for
+Downingville arly to-morrow mornin, and I'll leave you this Teliskope
+so you can take a look at the Union _as it was_, and don't you let
+Seward or Sumner, or any of them fellers, get hold of it. Wen you get
+puzzled, jest go and look thru that, and you may depend upon it it will
+lead you strate. If you get inter eny deep troubbel, write me and I'll
+give you my advice, or ef you can't get along without me, I'll come
+back after the Fourth is over, and stay with you till you get out of
+this scrape with the rebils. I told you I would stick to you, and I
+will." So I bid good bye to the Kernel and his wife that nite, reddy to
+start in the early train in the mornin.
+
+I intend to give you a full ackount of the celebrashin of the Fourth at
+Downingville. Insine Stebbins, of the Downingville Insensibles, who
+writ the piece of poetry on Mrs. Linkin's ball, and who was wounded at
+Chickenhominy and cum hum with a furlong, is to be orater of the
+occashin. Jerusha Matilda Jenkins, the darter of Deacon Jenkins, and
+who went down to Port Roile to teech the contrarybands their primers,
+will also be there. The Insine is a very smart chap, ef he is a
+niggerite, and I expect he'll do himself creditable.
+
+Excuse this long letter, and beleeve me
+
+Yours till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XII.
+
+_The Major Disappointed--Meets the President at West Point--Sees Gen.
+Scott--They Talk over Strategy--Returns to Philadelphia with the
+President--Makes a Speech at Jersey City--Mr. Lincoln also Speaks--
+Meets Seward at the Astor House--A Wheel within a Wheel--Mr. Seward
+Caught._
+
+
+DOWNINGVILLE, July 5, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+I don't beleeve ther is enything that so sorter gets all my runnin-gear
+out of order as onsartinty. Wen I writ you last, I was jest leavin
+Washington, and wen you come to hear how I've scooted round the country
+sence, you will be astonished. You see I hurried on hum as fast as I
+could go, because I wanted to get to Downingville in time to see that
+the arrangements for the 4th were got up in the rite stile. But wen I
+got to Boston, I was struck all up in a heep by gettin a telliegraff
+from Linkin, tellin me not to go eny further till I heerd from him.
+That puzzled me terribully, and I was in an awful state of onsartinty.
+Thinks I to myself, now there's sumthin up. What on arth can it be? Has
+that feller Stantin been cuttin up eny more of his capers? But I was so
+puzzled that I couldn't imagin wat was to pay. But I waited a few days,
+and then I got a letter from the Kernel, in which he sed he wanted me
+to meet him at West Pint with Ginneral Scott, as ther was sum grate
+struttygy goin on which he wanted to advise about. Then I knowed ther
+was sum trubbel sumwher, so I jest packed up my trunks and tuk the
+ralerode for Allbanee, so as to cum down the North River to West Pint.
+I got ther in the nite, jest afore Linkin cum, arly in the mornin.
+
+I didn't sleep a wink, but jest went rite over the river in the one
+hoss ferry-bote they've got there, and waited at the depow for the
+Kernel. He was eenamost as glad to see me as he was wen I fust went to
+Washington. He tuk me by the hand, and ses he, "Majer, I feel a good
+deal safer wen you're around, for I know you won't deceeve me." Ses I,
+"Kernel, that's what I never do to eny man. Ef he don't like my plane
+talk, then he needn't heer it, but ef I talk at all, I must talk out
+the blunt truth." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, we will go over and see the
+old Ginneral, and then I will lay all my trubbel before you."
+
+[Illustration: "He sed he jest cum out to see and be seen, and didn't
+intend to blab enything about public affairs."--Page 111.]
+
+After we got our brakefast, we went to the old Ginneral's room, and,
+takin out the maps, we went at it. I never studied geographee faster in
+my life than we did then. The Kernel sed the news from Ginneral
+McClellan was that he would be compelled to go to the Jeemes River for
+his supplize, and the grate questshin was, whether he cud turn his
+right wing around so as to swing agin the river jest like opening a
+barn dore. Ginneral Scott sed he thought it mite be done, provided it
+was done quick enuff. I telled em I hed often noticed that wen I opened
+one barn dore all at once there would cum a gust of wind, an open would
+go the other in spite of all I could do. Ses I, "Kernel, ef the rebels
+should pitch at the left wing while the rite is swingin, then both
+dores would be open, an they might both get off the hinges." Ginneral
+Scott sed he was afrade it might work that way, but ef the thing cum to
+the worst, he didn't see eny help for it. You see, the army nigh
+Richmond was in a tite fix, an Linkin knew it. Wen the Kernel telled
+Ginneral Scott how it was, the old man cried, and sed he didn't want to
+live to see the rebils whip that grate army. The whole country have
+been in a grate fogo about what Linkin went to see Scott about, but
+that was all. Wen he went away the next day, he sed he wanted me to see
+Seward, an ef Ginneral McClellan got defeated, advise with him as to
+what to do. So I went with the Kernel back as far as Filadelfy, where I
+thought I stop a few days to see how things would turn out. Wen we got
+to Jarsey City, the people wanted the Kernel to make a speech. He sed
+first he wouldn't go out, but finally the cheers got so loud that I
+telled him he must go. "Wal," ses he, "Majer, I can't. You jest go and
+tell em that I am too tired." So I stepped out on the platform and
+swingin my hickery around, ses I, "Feller-citizens, the President has
+been up two or three nites travellin, and he ain't abil to speak. You
+must excuse him." Wen they heered that, it didn't suit em at all, and a
+good meny yelled out, "Who are you?" Then I remembered that I had
+forgot to tell em who I was. So I stepped out, and ses I, "I'me Majer
+Jack Downing." Then you had ought to hev heered em cheer, and Linkin,
+you know is a queer feller, and wants to know all that's goin on, so he
+cum out to see what was the matter. After he cum out, of course, he
+couldn't back out of a little speech. He sed he "jest cum out to see
+and be seen, and didn't intend to blab enything about public affairs."
+The whistle soon sounded, and off we went. Nothing happened on the way,
+and I bid the Kernel good bye in Filadelfy, and went to the Continental
+Hotel to wait and see how the battle cum off. They have nigger waiters
+here, dressed up like Quakers, and that is the reason they call it a
+Continental hotel--so they say.
+
+In a few days I saw how the battle had turned, and I knew Seward would
+be along. The Kernel sent me a telliegraff that he would be at the
+Aster House such a day, and I agreed to meet him there. I was
+determined to smoke the old fox out this time, ef it was in my power,
+and so I began to study him. Weed was there, who thinks he is very
+cunnin, and Governor Morgan and others. McClellan bein compelled to
+retreat from Richmond, they all thought that France and England would
+interfere, and what was to be done? Seward sed we must put the best
+face on matters we could, and raise more men to fight the rebils, and
+that by showin a bold front we might frighten off the Uropean powers.
+He sed he thought it might all be settled in "sixty days" yet, and ef
+McClellan couldn't settle it by fightin, he could by deeplomacy. He sed
+"he would run the machine as long as ther was a linchpin left, and let
+John Bull and Looe Napoleon do their best." Weed wanted to know, ef we
+had a war with England, wether it wouldn't be better to have it carried
+on by contrack. He thought the government might let it out and make
+money by the operashin. He sed he could furnish the powder and shoddy,
+and wouldn't charge over five per cent. commission. Gov. Morgan sed he
+was in favor of a war with England, and as it would be mostly a naval
+fight, the government would need a good menny vessels, and he had a
+brother who was a capital judge of sich matters. Stetson sed he thought
+a war with England would improve bizness in York, specially
+hotel-keepin, and as the Aster House was handy down town, it would be a
+first-rate place for officers' head-quarters.
+
+After they all got through, they asked me my opinion. I turned rite to
+Mr. Seward, and ses I, "Boss, I'm goin to speak plane." Ses he, "That's
+rite, Majer. No one can find fault with you. You're a loyal man, and
+you've a rite to speak your mind." "Now," ses I, "in the first place,
+Boss, I want to ask you a plane questshin. We all know you are runnin
+the government machine, and whenever I look at a machine, I want to
+know what the drivin wheel is made of. You see if that is all rite,
+things will go putty nigh rite." Ses Seward, ses he, "Majer, I've got a
+model of my machine here, and ef you would like to look at it you kin."
+So he took out a little curious-looking box, and out of the box a
+machine. It was a cute-lookin affair. "There," ses he, "do you see that
+big wheel?--that's the drivin wheel." I looked at it, an I see it was
+marked aroun the rim, "The Union and the Constitushin." "Wal," ses I,
+"Boss, that looks all rite. Eny machine that runs on that basis must be
+runnin rite. But," ses I, "somehow it don't seem to work well. We
+ought not to get into so much trubbil ef we were jest runnin on the old
+constitushinal basis." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, you see so it is." "Now,"
+ses I, "Boss, there's somethin rong sumwhere. Either the ile is poor or
+the stuff is bad, or our government machine on that basis would run
+jest as slick as greese."
+
+The more I looked at the machine the more it puzzled me. I knew what a
+fox Seward was, an I remembered how he stuck the little nigger in
+Linkin's Teliskope. So all at once the old sayin that "there's allers a
+wheel within a wheel," popped into my hed. I didn't say it out loud,
+but I sed, ses I, "Boss, will you let me see whether there ain't
+sumthin rong about that?" Ses he, "Sartinly, Majer--go ahed." So I jest
+out with my jack knife an went at it. I tuck it all apart. Wen I went
+at the wheel I saw the Boss begin to wince, but I went rite on, an
+purty soon I saw, sure enough, the outside wheel was only a sham, for
+the rale wheel which run the government machine was marked "HIGHER
+LAW--ABOLITION." "Now," ses I, "Boss Seward, I'm done with you. Here's
+a wheel within a wheel, jest as I expected. It shows what an infarnal
+hypocrite you are, and ef you're a mind to fite John Bull or the South,
+or all the world, as long as you run on that wheel, I won't help you."
+So I jest tuck my hickery an went out of the room. You never see such
+a dumbfounded, scart set of men in your life, an Seward looked as ef
+he would craul through an auger hole. I cum rite on after that to
+Downingville, but I didn't get here in time to see about the
+arrangements. The Insine made his orashin and Jerusha sung the oad
+prepared for the occashin. My letter is so long that I can't tell you
+enything about it, but wen I rite agin I may, ef sumthin more important
+don't happen.
+
+Yours, till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XIII.
+
+_The Major Returns to Washington--Things Get Mixed Up--Lincoln and
+the Panther--Splittin Rails and the Union--The Major and the President
+Visit Gen. McClellan's Army--Going up James River--Alarm of the
+Rebels--Exciting Scene on Board the Boat--Nobody Hurt--The President
+Reviews the Troops at Harrison's Landing--The Return Trip--The
+President and Party Bathe in the Potomac--Almost a Catastrophe--The
+Major's Life-Preserver--The Moral of it--The President Proposes a
+Conundrum._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, July 21, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+Wal, here I am back agin to Washington. I didn't expect to cum on
+before fall, at eny rate, but I got a letter from Linkin, tellin me he
+couldn't do without me, no how. He sed that the bars were all down
+since I left, and that the cattle, an hosses, an hogs, an sheep, an
+mules, were all mixed up together. Now, every farmer knows what a mess
+it makes of it wen you git fat cattle, an the cows, an the sheep, an
+hosses, an hogs, all muddled together in one lot. I see, at once, the
+pickle Linkin was in, an so I detarmined to push off for Washington
+once more, an see ef I couldn't help him out. It was oncommon hot
+wether, an it pulled down purty hard on a constitushin which has had to
+go thru about eighty sich summers. Howsoever, no one ought to stand
+about hot wether in the sarvice of his country, even ef he don't git a
+salary, or have a contrack, or some brother or son where he kin make a
+pile. I never had a cent for all I've done, and wouldn't take it. I
+think, ef there is any human critter on arth who is meaner than
+another, it is the one who plunders the people, all the while
+purtending to be a patriot. Wen I arriv, ses I, "Kernel, what's the
+matter?" Ses he, "Majer, did you ever hear of the story of a man who
+caught a panther by the tail?" Ses I, "Yes, Kernel, I have." "Wal," ses
+he, "I'm that man. I've got the biggest he-panther by the tail that you
+ever heerd tell of. Ef I was splittin rails I'de know jist what to do."
+"Why," ses I, "Kernel, what could you do then?" "Wal," ses he, "jest
+stick his tail in the crack of the log, knock out the wedge, and run.
+But you see, Majer, I ain't splittin rails now, an that plan won't
+work." "Now," ses I, "Kernel, you ain't splittin rails, but I'm afeerd
+you're splittin somethin else." Ses he, "What?" Ses I, "THE UNION!"
+"Now, Majer," ses the Kernel, "you don't think I want to split the
+Union, do you?" "No," ses I, "I don't know as you're raley _tryin_
+to split it, but then you've been such a splitter all your life, that
+perhaps you are doin it unbeknown to yourself. You see, Kernel, as long
+as you stick to them Abolishinists, jest so long the Union will not
+only stay split, but the split will grow wider. They are the wedge an
+you are the mallet. You jest knock the wedge out, an the Union will cum
+together jest like shuttin up a jack-nife. You see, they hold that some
+of the States have got an institushin which they consider rong, and
+they are detarmined to uproot it. In tryin to do that, they'll split
+everything all to smash, an by the time they get thru, it will look as
+ef lightnin had struck this country from Maine to Texas, in spots not
+more than six inches apart."
+
+"Wal," ses the Kernel, ses he, "Majer, that brings up a great moral
+questshin, as the nigger said when he was stealin chickens, an we ain't
+got time to discuss it now. You see, Majer, I sent for you to know what
+I better do about McClellan. I git all sorts of contradictory stories
+from his army, an I'm puzzled most to deth to know what to do." "Wal,"
+ses I, "Kernel, there's nothin like goin in the field yourself, an
+examine for yourself ef you want to know how things stand." "Wal," ses
+he, "that's jest what I've been thinkin of, an as you're a military
+man, I wanted you to go with me." I telled him I had no objecshin to
+goin, an that ef I had a fair chance I thought I could tell about how
+things looked. So we got reddy, and the Kernel asked old Blair's son
+Frank and Sekertary Stantin's chief clark to go along with us. We went
+down the Potomack, an jest called at Fort Monrow, and then went up the
+Jeems River to Harrisin Landin. Goin up the river we kept a sharp
+look-out for the rebils, who line the bank and shoot at our botes. I
+told the Kernel that he must be mitey kerful an not get hit, as the way
+stocks would tumble in Wall street would be a caushin. So I tuk him
+down stairs wen we come to the dangerous places. There they had the
+bote lined with bales of hay. Ses he, "Majer, which way does the
+shootin cum from?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, there's no tellin, but," ses
+I, "you better get behind that bale, for it's a big one, an here's
+another on t'other side, so I guess you'll be safe." While he was
+settin there, ses he, "Majer, I ain't afeerd a hooter, but you see I
+didn't want them seceshers to brag about killin me." "No," ses I,
+"Kernel, that wouldn't do eny how." Jest then "bang" went sumthin like
+a shot. The Kernel jumped about ten feet, rite across the bote, and hit
+Frank Blair with his left boot rite where he ought not to. Frank
+thought he'd been struck with a cannon-ball, and tumbled over, leavin
+the seat of honor uppermost. Stantin's chief clark acted as ef he'd
+been eatin poke-berries, and had an awful gripin in the bowels. It
+seems one of the bales of hay had been tipped over when the Kernel give
+his big jump, an hit the chap rite in his bread-basket. We were all
+purty badly scart, for I tell you it makes a feller feel mighty narvous
+wen he's in an inemies country, an may be hit eny moment with a
+cannon-ball or a Minny bullet. Shootin will do very well as long as
+sumbody else is shot at; but wen it cums to yourself, it makes you feel
+week in the jints, an sumtimes brings on the die-area. Wen we cum to
+find out, however, we learned we had a scare for nothin. The pilot, in
+turning one of the short bends in the river, had jerked on his chains
+too hard, an snapped one of them rite in two. This noise was what
+sounded down in the cabin like a shot.
+
+Wen we got to the landin, Ginneral McClellan had hosses reddy for all
+of us to ride. Linkin chose a black one, and got on. Ses I, "Kernel, is
+black your favorite color?" Ses he, "Majer, no joking now. This is
+serious bisiness." So I got a white one. I can't ride quite so handy as
+I did thirty or forty years, yet it is not every nag that could throw
+me now. Linkin's sterrups were too short for his legs, though they were
+let out jest as long as they could be. It kinked him up a good deal, an
+before we got through reviewing the troops, ses he, "Majer, I can't
+stand this bendin of my jints. I'm going to remedy it;" and so he jest
+turned one leg over the hoss's neck and rode sideways the rest of the
+time. The sojers cheered him as we went along, an seemed mity glad to
+see him. In one place he got up on a brestwork an made a short speech
+to 'em. He wound up by telling 'em that he had Majer Jack Downing,
+Ginneral Jackson's old frend, with him. When he sed that, the cheers
+were dubbled, an I paid my respects to the complyment by takin off my
+hat an makin jest about the neetest bow that ever was.
+
+After we had seen all the troops an made all the inquiries we wanted
+to, we cum away. The seseshers did not trubbel us comin down the river,
+an we soon once more were sailin up the Potomack. Comin up the river
+the day was warm, an we all felt first rate that McClellan was as well
+off as he was; the Kernel said he felt jest as if he would like to have
+a swim. All hands agreed it would be a capital chance, an so Linkin,
+and Blair, and Stantin's chief clark, undressed for a splurge in the
+water. The Kernal asked me to go in too, but I telled him that, hot as
+it was, my rumatiz would not allow it. Wen they got about reddy, now,
+ses I, "Kernel, look out and don't go where the water is too deep, for
+if you get tuckered out or have the cramp, you may not get back to the
+bote." He sed "there warnt eny danger--that he hed swum the Mississippi
+River nigh about all over wen he was a boy, and that he guessed he
+could stand the Potomack." So off they went. Linkin could outswim the
+hull party, and Blair an the other feller with him looked like sunfish
+alongside a sturgeon. I thought likely Linkin mite overdo himself, or
+get the cramp or sumthin, so I jest went to my valese and tuk out my
+patent gutty perchy life-preserver. I ment to have it reddy if enything
+happened. Wal, I hadn't more than got back to the side of the bote, wen
+I seed the Kernel flounderin and kickin, and blowin, as ef he was
+chokin.
+
+Blair and Stantin's chief clark were tryin to help him, but it was like
+the blind ledin the blind, an sech another muss in the water you never
+did see. I saw it was time for my life-preserver, so I jest blowed it
+up and hollered out to Linkin to ketch hold of it, an told Blair an the
+other feller to let him alone, that that would save him. Wen Linkin got
+hold of it he jest raised himself rite up, an looked as happy as a boy
+with a new hat. He floated rite along towards the bote, an soon cum
+aboard. Ses he, "Majer, I owe you a debt of etarnal gratitude. You've
+saved my life." Ses he, "Majer, this life-preserver of yours is the
+greatest article ever invented. Wen I get dressed I want to examine
+it." So, purty soon, he cum in, an ses he, "Let's take a good look at
+it." So I showed it to him. The first thing he saw on one side of it
+was the following words: "_The Constitution as it is, and the Union
+as it was._" Ses he, "Majer, what have you got that motto on a
+life-preserver for?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I put that there because of
+the similarity between the two things. Now, that preserver saved your
+life, didn't it?" "Yes," ses he, "Majer, it did." "Wal, the _sentiment
+in those words is the life-preserver of the country_. You can't any
+more save the country without stickin to them, than you could have
+saved yourself without holdin on to the life-preserver. You must stick
+to the Constitution _as it is_, and not as Sumner and Greeley want it."
+The Kernel began to look kinder struck up wen he see how I had him, an
+so, seein my advantage, I kept on. Ses I, "Kernel, the truth is, you
+are just now in swimmin with Greeley, an Sumner, an Wilson, an Lovejoy,
+an Thad. Stevens, an it is no wonder the country is like you was jest
+now, chokin and gaspin, and just reddy to sink. You must git out of
+such kumpany, an the only way to do it is to lay hold of the
+"_Constitushin as it is_," and ef you do that, you'll save the country
+jest as easy as I saved you with that life-preserver." Ses he, "Majer,
+hold up, you're drivin your hoss rite into my stable, an you don't give
+me a chance to say whoa." Ses I, "Kernel, go ahed, an ef you can refute
+what I've sed, I'd like to see you." Ses he, "Majer, do you know why a
+man's face is like the eend of an old-fashioned house?" Ses I, "No,
+Kernel, can't say I do," "Wal," ses he, "because it's his _gabble_
+eend." "Wal," ses I, "that may be a good joke, but after all, Kernel,
+it don't answer my arguments." But I couldn't get another word on
+politics out of Linkin that day. He seemed to keep up more of a thinkin
+than I'd ever seen him before. We all got home to the White House safe
+that nite, an, on the hull, the trip had not only bin pleasant, but
+profitable, for it will lead to some grate changes in a few days.
+
+Yours, till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XIV.
+
+_The President Has an Attack of Fever and Ague--The Major Prescribes
+Elder Bark Tea--A Fearful Mistake--The Bark Scraped the Wrong Way--Mr.
+Lincoln has to be Rolled--Stanton, Seward and the Major--A Ludicrous
+Scene--The "Kernel" comes to and Begins to Joke--The Moral of Taking
+the Wrong Medicine--"The Irrepressible Conflict."_
+
+
+WASHINGTON, August 1, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--I tell you I've had my hands full since I writ you last. Linkin
+has been nigh about down sick with the fever an ager. Of course it
+wouldn't do to let the tel-lie-graf git hold of it, for it would scare
+Wall street in spasms, and knock stocks down wus than the retreat of
+Ginneral McClellan. So Stantin put his sensership on the news, an that
+was the end of it, while I went to work as I could to cure the Kernel
+up. You see, the Kernel, for the last month or so, has been very much
+broke of his sleep. Sumtimes he's up nigh about the hull nite consulten
+with Stantin, an Hallick, an Seward, an the nite air has been too much
+for him. The banks of the Potomick in July an August are mity hard on
+the constitushin, an ef there is any bilyusness in a man, its purty
+sure to bring it out. Linkin says his constitushin is just like the
+war, so far, nigh about all _bill_yus. One day I went into the Kernel's
+room, an seein he looked kinder blue about the gills, ses I, "Kernel,
+what's the matter?" Ses he, "Majer, I feel as cold as a frozen turnip."
+Ses I, "Kernel, ain't you gettin the ager?" Ses he, "No, Majer, I don't
+think I'm gettin it, for I've got it already." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel,
+ef there is eny feller on arth who can cure the fever an ager, it's
+me." "Wal," says he, "Majer, I wish you would go ahead, for I can't
+afford to be sick now. The truth is, ef I had a good ax an some
+chestnut timber I could soon work off the shakes myself. I used to have
+them when I was a boy, powerful bad, but I could jest go out eny mornin
+and break an ager by splitting up a hundred rails as a breakfast spell;
+but now I s'pose I must dose myself with some sort of pizen doctor
+stuff, just because it wouldn't look well for a President to split
+rails." "No," ses I, "Kernel, you needn't take eny pizen stuff. I'll
+fix you sum medecin which was a grate favorite with Ginneral Jackson,
+an it will cure you up as sure as my name's Downing." Ses he, "What is
+it?" Ses I, "It's elder bark tea." So I jest went to work and got the
+feller in bad close, who does chores around the White House, to go out
+into the sububs an scrape me sum bark. I told him very particaler how
+to do it, an to be very kerful an not to scrape it roundabout-ways of
+the wood. You see, elder bark is the queerest stuff in the world. If
+you scrape it down it acts as a fisic, an if you scrape it upwards it
+becomes an emetick, while by scrapin it around-ways, it ain't nuther
+one thing nor tother, but just raises a young arthquake gripin an
+panein a feller as ef the cholery, an yaller fever, an kronick rumatiz
+had all got hold of him at once. Purty soon the feller cum back, and I
+went to work makin the tea. After I got it fixed, I went in an give it
+to Linkin, who was shakin away as ef he would fall apart. "Now," says
+I, "Kernel, ef you feel bad in the nite jest call me, and I will see
+what's the matter." Nigh about mornin sum one was rappin at my door
+like all possessed. I bounded out as spry as I could, an down stairs I
+went. There was Linkin agroanin an writhin, an lookin as pale as a
+ghost, an as lean and lank as a rail. They had sent for Seward an
+Stantin, an all hands were in a terribul excitement. Seward seemed to
+be awfully worried. Ses he, "Major, what would we do if Linkin dies,
+for he's the only one of us left that the peeple's got eny faith in at
+all?" Stantin didn't say nothin, but he was lookin round, I thought, to
+see where the Kernel's trowsers was. As soon as I got a fair look at
+the Kernel, an felt his pulze, I began to suspect what was the matter.
+The fust thing I did was to call the feller in bad close who got the
+elder bark, an ask him particular how he scraped it. Cum to find out,
+the numskull had cut the bushes down, an then scraped them around, jest
+what I had telled him not to do. I comprehended the situashin in a
+jiffy. Ses I, "Mr. Seward, I understand all about this case, an ef
+you'll stand back about four inches, an do jest as I tell you, we'll
+have the Kernel all rite in no time." Then, turnin round, ses I,
+"Stantin, I want you to lend a hand, too, and make yourself ginnerally
+useful, an don't run off an issoo a proclamashin afore you know what is
+what." "Now," ses I, "the feller that got the elder bark for the Kernel
+scraped it the rong way, an the medicine won't work. The only way to
+get it rite is to roll the Kernel over fourteen times clean across the
+floor. It is a tough remedy, but desput diseases require desput
+remedies." So I telled Seward an Stantin to take hold, and the way we
+rolled the Kernel over an over was a caushin. It seemed as ef it might
+break every bone in his body, for his frame is so sharp an so full of
+angles that it jarred an jolted like rollin over a wagin wheel wen
+there's no fellers on the spokes. Finally he cum to, an we lifted him
+on the bed, an in a little while he felt like another person. Seward an
+Stantin looked skeert yet, but I telled them they needn't have no
+fears--that the Kernel was as sound as a dollar. Stantin said he'd hurt
+his spine in rollin Linkin; at eny rate, he puffed an blowed like a
+porpose. I telled him to go home an take some of Chase's "greenbacks"
+for a poultice, an ef that didn't cure him, then there warn't no virtue
+in "legal tenders." Seward sed, as I was sich a good doctor he'd like
+to know what was good for pizen. Wen he was a boy he sed he pizened one
+of his feet, an that it had allers trubbled him, more or less, ever
+sence. I telled him to get one of Sumner's speeches, an bind on the
+place, for there warn't enything like pizen to draw out pizen, and I
+thought Sumner's speeches would draw pizen out of ded men, and that I
+wondered the doctors hadn't got to usin them for bringin to life people
+who had killed themselves with laudalum, prussick acid, an sich things.
+
+[Illustration: "So I telled Seward an' Stanten to take hold, and the
+way we rolled the Kernel over was a caushin."--Page 128.]
+
+As soon as the Kernel cum to, he begun to joke. Ses he, "Majer, do you
+know why you and Seward and Stantin rollin me on the floor were like
+men spredin hay in a meadow?" Ses I, "No, Kernel, I don't, unless the
+pitchen and rollin are a good deal alike." "No, no," ses he, "Majer,
+the reason is because it was done to _cure_ me!" "Now," ses I, "Kernel,
+that is purty sharp, but do you know why your sickness is like the
+Union?" "No," ses he, "I don't see into that, unless it's because we're
+both haven a tough time of it." "No," ses I, "that ain't it." "Wal,"
+ses he, "what is it?" "Wal," ses I, "because _it has been takin the
+rong medicen_!" Ses he, "How is that, Major? I don't understand you."
+"Wal," ses I, "it's jest here. You know that feller who does chores for
+you scraped the elder bark the wrong way, and wen you took it, it come
+nigh on to killin you. But I didn't know but what it was all rite, and
+so I give it to you. Now, jest so it's been ever sence you've been
+President. Seward's been the feller who has been scrapin the medicen
+for the Union, an he has _scraped it all the rong way_, an you've been
+giving it all the time without knowing it. You see, the hull country
+has got the gripes and the shakes, jest as you had a little while ago,
+and it all cum from Seward's rong kind of medicen. You see, Seward is
+tryin to make the people swallow the 'irrepressible conflict,' which is
+fixed about as follows:
+
+    Higher Law         2 oz.
+    Confiscation       2 oz.
+    Taxation           2 oz.
+    Justice            0 oz.
+    Abolition          8 oz.
+        (well mixed.)"
+
+"Now, Kernel, such a dose as that would give any country a worse set of
+spasms and agers then were ever heard of before. Old John Dumbutter,
+the laziest man I ever knew in Maine, sed he once had the fever an ager
+in Mishegan so that it shook the buttons off his coat; but such medicen
+as Seward is givin the country now will shake even the tail fethers out
+of the grate American Eagle."
+
+Ses Linkin, ses he, "Hold on, Majer, don't pour sich hot shot into me
+when I'm sick." So I held up; but I tell you, the Kernel has felt very
+blue sence that time. One day ses he, "Majer, what a grate mistake I
+made in not makin Crittenden's compromise the basis of my administration;
+but it's no use cryin over spilt milk. The leaders of our party wanted
+the Chicago platform put through, and I'm the man to do what I
+undertake or sink in the attempt." "Or split the Union?" ses I. "Wal,"
+ses he, "I don't know about that, but what's in the way must cum down."
+
+Things look very bad here jest now, and we all feel afraid that they
+may be worse instead of better. Stantin wants to issoo a proclamashin
+which he thinks will set all things rite, but Seward ses proclamashins
+are played out. Linkin thought at one time to put out a call for a day
+of fastin and prayer, but Hallack is opposed to it. So things are
+workin along now kinder slip shod, but I'll try to keep you posted as
+usual.
+
+Yourn till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XV.
+
+_Gen. McClellan's Change of Base--A Bear Story--A Delegation of
+Clergymen--The Major's Opinion on Negroes and "Edecated Peepul"--How
+General Jackson Saw Through Them--How the War is to End--Mr. Lincoln
+Tells Another Story._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, August 14, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--It has been jest about the hottest wether, sence I writ you
+last, I ever did see. The Kernel ses he feels as limpsey as an eel, an
+I tell you it has taken the starch out of the hull of us. Ef I don't
+write a letter this time worth printin, it will be because my idees
+have all kinder oozed out through my skin. One day the Kernel ses to
+me, ses he, "Majer, what do you think about McClellan's new base on the
+Jeemes River?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, it reminds me for all the world
+of old Truxton Miller's bar hunt, away up in the north part of Maine,
+when I was boy." The Kernel likes to hear a story as well as to tell
+one, so he insisted that I should tell him all about it. So I
+proceeded: Ses I, "Old Truxton was the most noted bar hunter in all
+that part, an it warnt often when he got started after a bar that it
+ever got away. He could yell an holler equal to wild Injins, an he
+ginerally scart away all the varmints for several miles around. One
+spring the bars had been very trubbelsome, carryin off his sheep,
+lambs, an even calves an yearlins, and Truxton vowed he'd go an attack
+the bars in their den. So off he started with his dubbel-barrelled shot
+gun an his big dog, Harcules, for a regular bar hunt. He soon got on
+their track, an he followed them to their den. Jest as one was goin in
+he let go his gun an took one of 'em in the thigh. This only made
+matters worse, for out come two or three others, an soon the old feller
+was tackled on all sides. He felt pretty safe with Harcules, but soon
+the bars made for the dog, an they tore him to pieces in a jiffy.
+Truxton shot one of 'em, but that put the infernals in the rest, an the
+old feller had to 'skedaddle,' as they say in these days. Seeing a tree
+handy by he started to go up, but a powerful beast fetched him a wipe
+with his paw an tore off the seat of his trowsers. He got away an that
+was all, an looked down on the bars in dismay. Now," ses I, "Kernel, I
+think that McClellan's 'new base' is something like old Truxton's. But
+all his neighbors turned out, an finally got the old feller out of his
+danger, an when he come down he made this remark, ses he, 'Neighbors,
+it's one thing to hunt a bar, but it's quite another thing _when the
+bar hunts you_!'" So ses I, "Kernel, it's one thing to hunt the secesh,
+but it's quite another thing when the secesh hunts you, an it appears
+to me as if McClellan is treed in his 'new base.'" "Wal, Majer," ses
+the Kernel, "how are we to get him away?" "Wal," ses I, "do jest as old
+Truxton's neighbors did--Scare off the bars! Scare off the secesh! Get
+around 'em on all sides an make them believe you are goin to attack 'em
+from every quarter, an they will soon scatter so that the Ginnerel can
+change his base agin. Call it 'a great piece of strutegy,' and the
+people won't know the difference." "Wal," ses the Kernel, "that's jest
+what has got to be done, and though it's a mity dangerous movement,
+rite in the face of the rebils, yet it must be done, or all the troops
+will die of disinterry where they are." Before this letter reaches your
+readers the tel_lie_graf will announce the hull movement.
+
+The other day the Kernel had a call from some nigger preachers. He sent
+for 'em to have a talk about seein whether they wouldn't consent to go
+to Centril America, but they didn't seem to like it much. They sed they
+would think about it and report. I told the Kernel that when he got
+niggers to immigrate, that the next thing he could do would be to get
+the kinks out of their hair. Ses he, "Why not, Majer?" "Wal," ses I,
+"because it ain't their natur." Ses I, "Kernel, you talk to these
+niggers jest as if they were white people, all except their color. You
+seem to think that they will do something for their posterity,
+sacrifice something, but they won't. The nigger only cares for the
+present. The mulattoes have some of the talents of the white men, but
+the nigger not a bit."
+
+"Now, Majer," ses Linkin, "you are prejudiced. Don't all the great men
+of the world, all the larned men of Europe, and all Christian
+phylanthropists, don't they all consider it the highest duty to try an
+elevate the black race?" "Now," ses I, "Kernel, I don't care a blue
+postage stamp for all the great men in the world. A little plain mother
+wit I have always found better than a stack of book larnin, an ef any
+one will jest take up the nigger race an study it out practically, they
+will see that it has allers been the same uncivilized, heathin people
+when white folks did not have control of 'em. You send 'em to Centril
+America, an in a gineration or so they will be again eatin lizards an
+worshipping snakes, as they do in Africa now."
+
+Ses I, "Kernel, there's no peepul in the world so likely to lead you
+astray as edecated peepul. They are all mad as March hares on this
+nigger questshin, jest as they were in old Cotton Mather's time on
+witches. Edecated peepul, Kernel, ain't got any more wit or common
+sense than other folks, but they try to make you believe they have, an
+will talk high-falutin words jest to frighten you if they kin. They
+tried that on the old Ginneral in the days of the Biddle Bank, but they
+couldn't budge him an inch. One time the bankers and moneylenders and
+brokers in Wall street, sent on a committee to see the Ginneral, to
+honey fuggle him into not vetoing the Bank bill. Ogden Huffman, then
+the greatest orater, an jest the smartest lawyer York had, was sent on
+as spokesman. He could talk jest as slick as grease, and knew more law
+in a minnit than the old Ginneral did in all day. One night he staid
+till almost mornin talkin and talkin, scoldin a little an palaverin a
+good deal more. The old Ginneral didn't say much, only once in a while
+puttin in a questshin. Finally Huffman got reddy to go, an axed what
+the Ginneral thought of the argements he had made. The old Ginneral
+pushed his spectacles up on his forehead, run his fingers through his
+hair, an jumpin out of his cheer, walked across the room as if he was
+tarein mad, rite up to Mr. Huffman. When he got there, ses he, 'Mr.
+Lawyer, your talk is all very pretty, very eloquent, an very larned
+with Latin, but (an here he fetched his old hickory down on the floor)
+I shall veto that Bank of Biddle's, by the Eternal!' You see the old
+Ginneral couldn't hold a candil to Huffman, as far as larnin an talk
+went, but he had the genuine common sense that seen rite through the
+hull subject. So I tell you, Kernel, don't put your trust in edecated
+peepul. Ef the hull world thinks that you kin make a white man out of a
+nigger it only shows that the hull world is made up of fools."
+
+"Wal," ses Linkin, "that all may be very true, but you see, Majer, I've
+got these contrybands on my hands, an I've got to fish or cut bait.
+We've only got a few thousand free now, an the peepul in the North are
+in arms to murder 'em ef I send any more there. I shall soon have two
+wars on my hands ef I don't contrive some plan to get rid of the kinky
+heads. You, see, Majer, a fire in front an a fire in the rear will be
+too much of a good thing."
+
+"I see, I see, Kernel," ses I, "you've got to change your base."
+
+"Exactly, Majer, you hit the nail rite on the hed."
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I can't give you a bit of advice except what I
+have all along. Put the negro in his place, an he won't be a bit of
+trubbel to you, but as long as you try to get along with him out of his
+place, you'll be in hot water. As for goin to Centril America, they
+won't go thar eny sooner than they will to Kamscatky."
+
+"Wal," ses Linkin, ses he, "if they won't do that, we shall all pretty
+soon be in a nice kittle of fish."
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, can you tell me how you think this war is goin
+to end?"
+
+"Wal, Major, I can't exactly see through the hull subject yet, but I'll
+tell you a story that about expresses my present idees of the subject.
+One night at a tavern out in Illinoy, two drunken men were sent to
+sleep in the same room. Now there was two beds in the room, but they
+were so drunk that they both got in one bed, but did not know it. No
+sooner in than one sung out to the other, 'I say, Bill, some feller is
+in my bed.' The other sung out in reply, 'I say, Jim, some feller is in
+my bed, too.' After swearing at the landlord for a while for not givin
+'em single beds, Bill sung out, 'I say, Jim, I'm goin to kick my feller
+out of bed.' Wal, ses Bill, so am I.' So at it they went, kickin like
+all possessed, until both of 'em lay sprawlin out on the floor. They
+had kicked themselves out of bed! Now, Major, I guess that will be jest
+about how this war will end. The way we're goin on, both the North an
+the South will kick one another out of bed before they stop, and out of
+house and home, too."
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that's about my idee, too, and I don't beleeve,
+by the time they get through, either side will have a bed-blanket or
+even a hull shirt left. They'll be wus off than Billy Bradly when he
+fit with the catamount, who didn't have a rag left on him except the
+stock around his neck."
+
+Here the conversashin dropped. The Kernel looked very solemncolly, and
+I thought I wouldn't say nothing to hurt his feelins.
+
+There ain't enything new here jest now, except the arrival of new
+regiments. Seward feels as happy as a little gal with a new doll every
+time a regiment comes along. Stantin takes down his big book an adds it
+on to the number alreddy in the army, while Chase gets ready to issoo
+more greenbacks.
+
+Your frend,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XVI.
+
+_The Science of "Military Strategy"--The Major's Opinion Upon it--A
+Call From the Secretary of the American and Foreign Benevolent Society
+for Ameliorating the Condition of the Colored Race--His Speech--The
+President's Reply--A Curious Prayer--The Major's Opinion on Slavery
+--The Critical Condition of Affairs--Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Sept. 2, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--Sence I writ you last I've been studyin military strutegy. It is
+a grate science. Our army, down in Virginny, has been in grate strates
+lately, an if it hadn't been for military strutegy it would have all
+been taken prisoners. Ses the Kernel to me, the other day, ses he,
+"Majer, what do you think that military strutegy consists in?" "Wal,"
+ses I, "Kernel, it consists in gettin out of your enemy's way wen he's
+too much for you, an gettin in his way wen you're too much for him."
+Ses I, "Kernel, I don't know whether that is down in the books, but
+that's the common sense view of the subject." "Wal," ses Linkin,
+"whatever strutegy consists in, we don't seem to have a bit of it, for
+we get in the enemy's way jest wen he's too strong for us, an get out
+of his way wen he ain't too strong for us. I'm gettin eenamost
+discouraged with this kind of military strategy." "Wal," ses I,
+"Kernel, you've got too many Ginnerals an too many armies. There's too
+many fellers, with more brass in their faces than there is in their
+buttons, who want to be the biggest toad in the puddle. Now, there
+can't be but one big toad, an so there can't be but one head Ginneral.
+You ought to make one man Command-in-Cheef, an make him take the field,
+so that he can see for himself how matters are goin. Ginneral Hallick,
+here in Washinton, ain't the thing."
+
+"Wal, Majer, there is no use of cryin over spilt milk. The troops down
+in Virginny have been very roughly handled agin by the rebils, an have
+got so mixed up that it will require a grate deal of strutegy to get
+them straitened out. The question is, what is to be done?"
+
+Jest as I was about to give the Kernel some advice, who should come in
+but Sumnure, an a feller with a white handkercher around his neck, an
+two or three other solemn-lookin chaps. The feller in a white kercher
+spoke up, an ses he, "Mr. President, we're come to sympathize with you
+in the nashin's afflicshin, for the Lord has agin beat us with
+stripes--ah. Mr. President, I'm chief Secretary of the American and
+Foreign Benevolent Society for Ameliorating the Condishin of the
+Colored Race--ah--an I have been appinted Cheerman of a Committee to
+wait on you an express to you our opinions in the present fearful
+crisis in our country's history. Our society, which is composed of all
+the most pious maiden ladies in our town--ah--who are over forty years
+of age, an, therefore, may be considered wise and discreet, desire me
+to express to you their deep conviction that God will never bless our
+armies with victory--ah--so long as you do not fight for the freedom of
+our dearly beloved colored brethren--ah. Our Society, Mr. President,
+has given the condishin of our colored brethren great attenshin--ah.
+You can judge of the extent of our labor wen I inform you that the
+sisters of our Society have distributed the past year to our colored
+brethren in Liberia, 500 flannel shirts--ah--600 wool socks--ah--100
+Bibles--ah--100 Tracts on Temperance--ah--500 toothpicks--ah--and a
+large supply of cologne water--ah! We should have been glad to have
+supplied the sufferin bondmen of the same oppressed race in our own
+country, but the vile rebellion of the infernal slaveholders has
+prevented. We ask you now to proclaim liberty to the captives, and 'let
+the people go'--ah. Do not let your heart be hardened as Parroh's was,
+but save our land from sorrow, an our armies from further defeat by a
+decree of righteousness. Then will the Lord smile on us, an then shall
+glory cover the land--ah."
+
+I believe I've got that speech down purty nigh as the feller delivered
+it, for he spoke very slow an stately, as if he was tryin to make an
+impreshin. Wen he got thru, Linkin got up, and ses he, "Mr. Secretary,
+I'm kinder glad to see you, and will only say that we need all the help
+about these times we can get, an if I thought the Lord would only help
+us lick the rebils, I would free the niggers. An if I thought he would
+help us by freein 'em, I would do that. In fact, whatever I do, an
+what--I don't do, I do it, or I don't do it, jest as I think the Lord
+will be most likely to help us. The great thing is to get the help of
+the Lord, an I shall adopt new views on this pint jest as far as I
+think they are good views." Wen Linkin got thru, I pulled him by the
+coat-tail, an ses I, "Kernel, Seward himself could not have beat that
+non-committal speech." Ses he, "Hush, Majer, don't throw all the fat
+into the fire." Jest then the feller in the white hankercher spoke up,
+an ses he, "let us pray," an at it he went. Ses he, "Oh Lord, throw
+grate lite upon the mind of our Chief Magustrate--ah--give us victorys
+over the rebils--ah--give us this yere grate victorys--ah--not such
+little victories as we had last yere--ah--but crush the rebils with the
+arm of thy power. Amen--ah." After this, they all shuck hands, an went
+away. After they had gone, ses the Kernel, ses he, "Majer, that's a
+wonderful pious chap." "Yes," ses I, "Kernel, I think he is, in his
+way, but," ses I, "findin falt with the Lord, bekase He don't give us
+bigger victories, ain't much like the Christians of arly days." Ses I,
+"His prayer for big victories reminds me of old Joe Bunker's prayer.
+Joe was a wicked old sinner who swore wus than a saleyur. One day he
+was a swarein' kos he didn't hev better corn. Some one told him he
+orter pray for good corn, if he wanted it. So one day some one was
+goin' long the road by the old feller's corn-field, and hearin' a
+noise, they stopped, and who should the noise cum from but the miserly
+old skinflint Bunker, who was prayin. Ses he, 'Oh, Lord! give us a good
+crop of corn this yere, long ears, long as your arm, not sich d--d
+little nubsbins as we had last yere.' Now," ses I, "Kernel, I think
+thar's a great deal of simularity 'tween them two prayers, and I think
+the Lord is jest about as likely to answer one as 'tother." Ses I,
+"Kernel, you could bust up fifteen Unions easier than you could destroy
+slavery." Ses he, "Majer, I don't see into that ezackly, and I'd like
+to know the reason why." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, the reason is jest
+this: men made the Union, but God made slavery, and I tell you," ses I,
+"Kernel, when you undertake to butt agin that, you butt agin a big
+subjec." Ses I, "Ain't every body been fightin slavery for the last
+thirty years, and haven't they all cum off second best, while nigger
+slavery has been growin' and expandin in spite of 'em? God made the
+nigger to sarve and obey the white man, and until he's altered and made
+anuther being, you can't make him enything but a sarvent. These
+fellers, like that white cravated chap, who was jest here, and who
+employ their time sendin flannel shirts and tooth-picks to the wild
+nigger in Afriky, don't know nothin' more about niggers than they do
+'bout the interior of the arth. You might presarve all the brains
+they've got in a drop of brandy, and they would have as much sea-room
+as a tad-pole in Lake Superior."
+
+"Wal," ses Linkin, ses he, "Majer, let's drop the nigger jest now, as I
+want to ask you whether you think the rebils kin take Washington?"
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that depends upon strutegy agin. Ef you keep
+Ginnerals in the field who don't pay eny attention to 'lines of
+retrete,' afore you know it, Kernel, that feller with a Stonewall in
+his name, will be around on the North side of the White House, an I'm
+afeered my 'line of retrete' to Downingville will be cut off." "That's
+so, Majer, and my retrete to Springfield may be a hard road to travel."
+When Linkin made this remark, he looked kinder oneasy. I didn't know
+what to say, so I did jest what I allers do in that case, I whistled!
+Ses Linkin, ses he, "Majer, are you whistlin to keep your courage up?"
+Ses I, "No, Kernel, I ain't afraid a mite, but," ses I, "I'm in what
+old Deacon Doolittle calls a quandary." Ses he, "What's your quandary?"
+"Wal," ses I, "I was thinkin what I would do ef the rebils should take
+Washington." The Kernel didn't say nothin for about a minute. He looked
+very serious, and finally, ses he, "Majer, we're in a tight place, an
+there is no use denyin it, but it don't do any good to get into a fit
+of hysterices about it." "Yes," ses I, "Kernel, but it makes me feel
+solem to see this grate Old Ship of State knockin around, an, may be,
+jest reddy to sink." "Wal, Majer," ses the Kernel, "that remark reminds
+me of a story. A good many years ago, an old feller, a free an easy
+chap, owned a steamboat on the Missippi river, an he was a grate
+fiddler. He had nothing to do, an ginnerally went up an down the river
+on the boat, spending his time in fiddlin, an tellin stories. One day
+the boat struck a snag, an was fast fillin with water. The old feller
+was in the cabin sawin away on his fiddle when the boat struck, but he
+paid no attenshin to it, but kept rite on fiddlin. Finally, one of the
+passengers came in an told him that the captain warn't tryin to save
+the boat as he ought, and that she would be lost in ten minutes. 'Wal,'
+ses the old feller, 'she's been a _loosin_ concarn for five years,' and
+he kept on fiddlin. Pretty soon another passenger rushed in, and
+screamed out 'She's settlin very fast.' Ses he, 'I wish she'd _settle_
+with me before she goes down,' an still he kept on fiddlin. The next
+that was seen of him he was swimmin ashore, with his fiddle under his
+arm an the bow in his mouth. Now, Majer, if they take Washington, and
+the ship sinks, _we'll swim ashore_!"
+
+"Yes," ses I, "Kernel, and I suppose you will take the nigger with you,
+jest as that old feller did the fiddle, for the nigger has been the
+fiddle your party has played on!"
+
+The Kernel didn't seem to like this application of his story, but he
+didn't say a word. I felt very solemn, for I couldn't help feelin
+eenamost like crying when I thought how this grate nashin might all be
+shipwrecked afore he knew it, by a set of fellers who have been so
+taken up with the nigger as to let the country go to destruction.
+
+I went to bed that nite with a heavy hart, an had a terribul attack of
+bilyusness, which I had to take nigh onto a gallon of elder-bark tea to
+cure. Sence then I've been better, an if God spares my life I'll keep
+you posted about our nashinal affairs as long as there is a nashin.
+
+Your frend,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XVII.
+
+_A Cabinet Meeting--The President Calls for the Opinion of Each
+Member--Speeches of Seward, Chase, Stanton, Blair, Welles, Smith and
+Bates--The Major Called on for an Opinion--The Peperage Log Story--The
+Majer oposes an Armistice--No Conclusion Arrived at._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Sept. 13th, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--Sech a time as we've had here sence I writ you last, you never
+heered tell on. One time we all thought that the Secesh would take us,
+bag and baggage; but we feel easier now, an everybody is hopin that the
+crysis is past. Rite in the midst of the tribbelation, Linkin called a
+meetin of the Cabynet to consult on the tryin state of affairs, an he
+insisted that I must meet with 'em, as it was no time to stand on
+precidents an _ceterys_, an beside, he sed he wanted the help of every
+ounce of loyal brains in the country. Ses he, "Majer, I kin depend on
+you, for though you sometimes give me a hard hit, yet you've allers got
+the good of your country at hart." Ses I, "Kernel, I'm much obleeged to
+you for your good opinion, an I kin assure you that every word of it is
+true. Ef there's a man on this arth that has a truer love for his
+country than I have, I would like to see him;" an ses I, "Kernel, I'll
+tell you why my country seems so dear to me. I'm an old man now, nigh
+on eighty years old; I recollect when Jefferson beat that old Federal,
+John Adams, in 1800. I warn't old enough then to vote for him, though I
+wanted to; but wen he run the second time I voted for him, an done all
+I could for his election. Wal, I've been a Dimmecrat from that day rite
+down to the old Ginneral's time, an I'm a Dimmecrat yit; but I love my
+country above all parties. An one reason why my country is so dear to
+me is, because I haven't got enything else to love now. Nigh about all
+my relashins are dead an gone, an there ain't enything on arth left me
+to love but my country; an wen I see it distracted, divided an bleedin,
+it makes me cry; an," ses I, "Kernel, I can't help it."
+
+"Wal," ses the Kernel, "Majer, it's oncommon hard for old men like you,
+I know; but you jest meet with the Cabynet this mornin, an let us see
+ef some new plan can't be adopted to get out of this scrape."
+
+So wen the time cum, I took my hickery, an went in. Purty soon the
+different members cum droppin in, one by one, an all seemed highly
+tickled to see me except Seward, who has never forgiven me for exposin
+his decepshin on Linkin wen he altered my "Constitushinal Teliskope."
+After they all got seated, ses Linkin, ses he, "Gentlemen, there's no
+use eny longer of doin like the ostrich does--stick our heads in a
+sandbank an say that we 'don't see it,' for we're whipped an driven
+back--in a word, we have failed. Now, the rale question is, Why have we
+failed? What is the cause of it? Jest as soon as we kin find out the
+reason of our failure, we shall know what to do to remedy it. Now," ses
+the Kernel, "I want every one of you to give me your frank, blunt
+opinion as to the reason. First, I will call on Mr. Seward."
+
+Seward got up, lookin as pale as a sheet, an ses he, "Wal, it ain't my
+fault. I've paid no attenshin to the war, but have had my hands full in
+keepin furrin nashins from interferin, an I've succeeded; but ef I
+should give my opinion of the cause of the failure of our efforts to
+restore the Union, I would say it was owin entirely to the
+ultra-Republicans, who wanted to kill slavery before they scotched it.
+This let the cat out of our bag before the rite time. It aroused an
+united the South an divided the North. They saw what we were after. Ef
+my policy had been followed of pacifyin the South an of talkin 'Union'
+to the North, we would have scotched the snake of slavery, an then we
+could have killed it at our leisure."
+
+Then Linkin called Chase. He commenced by saying that he did not agree
+with Mr. Seward as to the cause of our failure. He sed it was jest this
+dilly-dally policy that had ruined us. Congress had done its duty, but
+the President had not yet dared to make the rebils feel the power of
+Congress. He sed he had kept the army supplied with "greenbacks," an
+that was all he had to do. He had done his duty, but he didn't beleeve
+we would ever succeed until we fit for liberty an the overthrow of
+slavery. We should allers fail to restore the Union until we did it.
+
+Then Stantin spoke. He sed "he thought one grate cause of our failure
+was because he had not kept on issooing his proclamashins, as he did at
+first. He sed he thought his proclamashin about 'the sperit of the
+Lord' enabled our soldiers to take Nashville. Then," ses he, "Ginneral
+McClellan is too slow. He might have been made for a ralerode engineer,
+where there was no hurry about buildin the road, but he was never cut
+out for a Ginneral. He was a failure, and hence it wos a failure all
+round."
+
+Then Blair spoke up. "Wal," ses he, "ef there's a man done his dooty,
+it's me. I've stopped every paper in the mails that wouldn't endorse
+the policy of the Administrashin; hence the people have only seen
+arguments on one side. Ef we've failed, therefore, it can't be because
+the people's readin hasn't been well looked after. I haven't allowed
+their minds to be pisened by eny 'copper-head' Dimmocratic doctrines.
+Nothin but anti-slavery sentiments kin get through the mails now. Ef
+we've failed, I think it must be because Seward and Stantin have not
+been more strict in arrestin men who talked----"
+
+Here Seward an Stantin both jumped up an declared that Blair was very
+onjust, an sed they had arrested every man they could get anything
+agin, an a good menny that they couldn't get anything agin.
+
+Wal, Blair sed, "enyhow, the failure was not his fault. Ef they didn't
+beleeve him, let them ask his father, who knew more about politics than
+eny other man in the country!"
+
+[Illustration: "Seward an' Stantin both jumped up an' declared that
+Blair was very onjust."--page 154.]
+
+Then old Welles got up, looking very sleepy. He sed "the failure could
+not be charged agin the Navy. It was the most wide-awake institushin of
+the age. It had achieved _all_ the victories." [Here Stantin jumped up
+agin, but Welles wouldn't yield the floor.] "The army couldn't do
+anything without his gunboats. Every time the rebils got at them, they
+had had to retrete to _his_ gunboats. In his opinion the army had
+failed, because it could not carry his gunboats with it. He sed he had
+been try in to invent a plan to furnish each regiment with a gunboat
+for land service. Ef he could do that, he thought Richmond might be
+taken early next spring! The only thing in all the war that had not
+been a failure were his gunboats!"
+
+Then Mr. Smith, an old man from out West, got up. He sed "he belonged
+to the interior, and didn't know much about what was goin on. He had
+heered say there was a war in progress, and that there had been some
+pretty tall fightin, but he didn't know whether it had been a success
+or a failure. Ef we had failed, he thought it must be because we had
+not been successful, an ef we had succeeded, he thought it must be
+because we hadn't failed!"
+
+Mr. Bates sed "he agreed with Mr. Smith, except in one pint. He had
+heerd, within a day or two, for the first time, that we had failed.
+Upon lookin over Blackstun to see ef there was eny case like it, he had
+been much disappinted in not findin eny. He thought we must have failed
+because we had not follered Blackstun."
+
+After he got thru, Linkin called upon me. I jest hauled up my old
+hickery and laid it on the tabil, an then puttin my elbows on the tabil
+to rest myself, I began. Ses I, "Kernel, I feel kinder scary to giv my
+opinion rite here, after sech a display of larnin an eloquince; but,"
+ses I, "as I understand the questshin, it is this: We've been fightin
+to restore the Union, an we've failed. Now, what is the cause of the
+failure?" Ses I, "Is that it, Kernel?" Ses he, "Yes, Majer; that's it,
+exactly." "Wal," ses I, "I allers want to get on the track afore I
+start, an then I kin tell purty nigh where I will fetch up. Now," ses
+I, "Kernel, I want to ask you a questshin: _Did you ever try to split
+a peperage log!_" "No," ses he, "Majer, I never did. Nobody would be
+sech a consarned fool as to try an split a peperage log." "Wal," ses I,
+"Kernel, suppose some feller should cum to you an tell you that he had
+been a year an a half tryin to split a peperage log, an couldn't do it,
+that he had failed, an wanted you to tell him what to do, what would
+you say to him?"--"Say to him!--why, I should tell him he might jest as
+well whistle at the log as to try to split it--that it warn't in the
+natur of sech knotty, nerly, cross-grained timber to split; in other
+words, that he was tryin to do an onpossibul thing." "Now," ses I,
+"Kernel, that's jest my idee about tryin to save this Union by fightin!
+You're tryin to do an onpossibul thing. After a year an a half of
+fightin, you all acknowledge that you have failed, an all the Cabynet
+is wonderin why you have failed. Now, it ain't no wonder to me. You
+have failed jest because, in the very natur of things, what you are
+tryin to do can't be done in that way. You're takin the rong way to do
+it."
+
+Wen I sed this, you never did see sech a flutter. Stantin turned very
+red in the face, and sed "that I orter be sent to Fort Lafayette." I
+telled him that I wasn't afeered of all the Forts this side of
+Purgotary, and that I should speak my mind till my dyin day, let what
+would happen. That cooled him down. Then I told the Cabynet that the
+only way to get out of this scrape was to have an armistiss, stop the
+fightin, and go to talkin--that both sides had had enuf of bloodshed
+now to satisfy them, an that the only way to get at a settlement was to
+do that. They took a vote on it, an all voted for it except Linkin,
+Chase and Welles. The Kernel sed he was so committed to the Abolishin
+Governors of the North, that he couldn't go for the armistiss. Chase
+sed, "ef it comes to that, then all the money has been spent for
+nothin, an I shall be cussed for the debt forever an ever." Old Welles
+sed that he thought we should be successful jest as soon as he got his
+new Patent Land Gunboats in operashin, an he was for fightin the thing
+out! The other members of the Cabynet sed they thought they could back
+out without much trubbel. Seward sed he never see a hole so small that
+he couldn't, on a pinch, get through, especially with Weed to help him.
+He thought he should turn Dimmocrat! Stantin sed he intended to jine
+the church, and turn Methodist precher. Blair sed he didn't know what
+he should do till he consulted his father! He knew the old man could
+help him out. Smith an Bates sed they should return to the buzzum of
+their families, an, if necessary for their safety, put on krinoline!
+
+No conclusion, however, was cum to about the armistiss. The Kernel
+can't bring himself up to the idee yet. Ef the Governors were only in
+favor of it, he should do it at once. So I suppose, for the present, we
+shall keep on tryin to do an onpossibul thing--to git the Union by
+fightin for it. Depend upon it, tryin to split peperage logs ain't
+nothin to it.
+
+Yours till deth,
+
+MAJOR JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XVIII.
+
+_The Major not Ill--The President has "the Gripes"--The Witch-Hazel
+Medicine--Going to the bottom of a Subject--The Democrats and the
+War--The Emancipation Proclamation--A Visit to Gen. McClellan's
+Army--The Soldiers Cool--Mr. Lincoln tells a Story--"Sloshing
+About."_
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Oct. 6th, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--I see you sed in your paper, last week, that perhaps I had the
+rheumatiz, and that that was the resin why I had not writ you. Now, you
+were dredfully mistaken, for I aint had a twinge of the rheumatics for
+a long time. The resin I did not write last week was jest this: Rite
+off, after Linkin had issooed that Abolishin Proclymashin, he was taken
+with a terribul fit of the gripes. There was noos received that some of
+the sojers were gettin onruly, and refusin to fight for the nigger, an
+I thought one spell that the Kernel would go crazy. He walked the floor
+all nite, an looked as ef he would die. Finerally it brought on the
+gripes, an then his condishin was terribul. I tried elder bark tea, but
+it didn't do a mite of good, so I telled him there warn't but one
+medicin that would cure him, an that was witch hazel sticks mixed up
+with molasses. So I sent fur some twigs an cut em up in about inch
+pieces, and put the molasses on, an stirred it all up. The Kernel
+looked at it very sharp, an ses he, "Majer, you aint going to give me
+rale fence to drink, are you? The remedy will be wus than the disease."
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, then that will be jest like your Abolishin
+Proclymashin," an I kept on mixin it with a big spoon. "Now," ses I,
+"Kernel, the good pints of this medicin are, that as it goes thru a
+feller it cleans him completely out. It confiscates, eradicates,
+obliterates an conflusticates everything. It's equal to your Abolishin
+Proclymashin an the Confiscashin Bill rolled into one." Ses I, "Kernel,
+there's only one thing about it that's wrong. Sometimes the sticks get
+twisted together, or tangled up like the logs comin down the river, in
+Maine in the spring of the year, and it requires a purty hard jar to
+start 'em loose. But," ses I, "there's no danger of it's killin
+anybody, and there's no way for you to get rid of that gripin but by
+takin it." The Kernel looked at it purty sharp, an ses he, "Majer, I
+can't stand this innard arthquake much longer, an ef you say that that
+rale fence will cure me, I'll swallow it ef it takes the har off my
+hed." So I jest told him to take it, an down he put it as easy as ef it
+had ben geniwine Borbone. He hadn't had it down but a little while
+before he began to get wus. He walked the floor an groaned as ef he was
+goin to die. Ses he, "Majer, this infernal stuff will kill me, sure. I
+believe I've swallowed a dose of pitchfork tines, or a half-pint of
+darnin needles. It reminds me of a story, Majer, but I feel too bad to
+tell it. It's the very first time in my life I was ever so far gone." I
+see at a glance what was the matter. The sticks had got tangled
+together, an lodged fast, an I knew there was no time to be lost. So
+ses I, "Kernel, I kin cure you. You jest cum here an sit down in this
+cheer." He cum up, and wen he went to set down, I jerked the cheer rite
+out from under him, an down he cum kerslap on the floor. I tell you it
+made the hull house shake; but I knowed he must get a good jar, or it
+was a gone case with him. It made him see stars for a little while, for
+the Kernel, you know, is long-geared, an it was no jokin matter for him
+to fall so far. But it was all over within a minnet, an wen he got up
+he sed he felt like another man; but, ses he, "Majer, that's what I
+call goin to the bottom of a subject." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that's
+jest what you are tryin to do on the slavery questshin, an ef you don't
+see stars on that before you get thru with it, I'll wonder." Ses I,
+"Kernel, do you expect Dimmicrats are goin to support you on freein the
+niggers?" "Wal," ses he, "Majer, not the rale, geniwine Dimmicrats; but
+you see you've got a grate lot of fellers in your party who call
+themselves Dimmicrats, who aint Dimmicrats at all. You've had the
+offices in your party so long, that you've naterally attracted a hull
+lot of chaps who only want offices. These fellers have mostly been the
+leaders of your party for years an years, an now, wen we've got the
+offices, an there aint scarcely a chance that the South will ever have
+eny more to give 'em, they all cum to us, an I kin get 'em at almost
+eny price, from a Brigadier-Generalship down to a quarter of a dollar.
+I've tried to git some geniwine Dimmicrats to mix in, but you can't
+touch em." Ses I, "Kernel, I guess you'll find that the grate bulk of
+the Dimmicrats won't fite to free the niggers. They can't be sech a
+pack of derned fools." "You've got too high an opinion of your party,
+Majer," ses the Kernel. "There's a grate menny more derned fools in it
+than you've got eny idee of. You say they won't fite to put down
+slavery. Didn't they say they wouldn't fite to coerce the South? And
+didn't they do it? Didn't they say they would only defend the Capital,
+and wouldn't invade Virginia, and didn't they do it?"
+
+[Illustration: "Majer, that is what I call goin' to the bottom of a
+subject."--Page 161.]
+
+"Yes," ses I, "Kernel, I must own that's the truth; but," ses I, "they
+called God to witness ef the war was ever made an anti-slavery war,
+they would throw down their arms." "Yes," ses he, "but don't they say
+now that they aint got nothing to do with the policy of the government,
+an that their only duty is to fite." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, sum of 'em
+have sed that, but it can't be possibul that that's the gineral
+sentiment. Ef they follow that principul, then ef you should proclaim
+yourself Emperor or King, an tell 'em to fite to establish a monarchy,
+they would do that." "That's drivin your idees a little too far, Majer,
+as you ginnerally do. But what do you think about our goin up to the
+army an reviewin the sojers, and seein whether I aint jest as popelar
+as ever I was?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I think that that is a good
+idee, an I kin judge purty nigh how your Proclymashin sets on the
+stumacks of the sojers from the way they cheer you. Ef they cheer as
+loud as they did wen they were down at Harrisin Landin, I shall be
+mistaken." So we started off the next day for Ginneral McClellan's
+head-quarters in a speshal train. First we went to Ginneral Sumnure's
+head-quarters, and it warn't long afore Ginneral McClellan cum there.
+too. There was sum talk about the Proclymashin, an Linkin told the
+Ginneral that there were two great resins why he had made it. One was
+to stop furrin nashins from interferin, an the other was to make the
+rebils cum to terms. He thought it would feteh 'em, sure.
+
+Ginneral McClellan didn' say a word, one way nor tother, but looked
+oncommon solemn, and axed the Kernel whether he didn't want to revew
+the troops. I saw at once that the Ginneral didn't like it, and that he
+wanted to turn the subject. Then we started off and took a look at the
+troops on Merryland Hights and Bollyvare Hights, and all around Mr.
+Harper's ferry. Mr. Harper warn't hum, and so we didn't see him, and
+the ferry warn't in good order nether, the resen bein that the rebils
+had been there and destroyed eenamost everything. As we were goin
+along, ses I, "Kernel, them cheers don't sound like they did down on
+the Jeemes River." The Kernel didn't say enything, but looked very
+serious. Wen Ginneral McClellan showed himself, you oughter have heerd
+the sojers yell and scream, and wave their hats. I never see the Kernel
+look so pale and thin, and I couldn't get a word out of him. As for
+makin a speech, it warn't to be thought on. After we got all done
+reviewin the sojers, the Kernel and all hands of us come down from the
+Hights, and sot down near the road on an old wagin. Linkin told some
+stories to pass away the time, an purty soon we went back to Ginneral
+Somnure's head-quarters, where we staid all nite. The next mornin we
+went to Ginneral McClellan's head-quarters, an then over the battle
+field of Auntyeatem. The next day we cum hum, both of us purty nigh
+tired out. The Kernel pulled off his boots as soon as he got in the
+house, as he almost allus does, an I got out my pipe for a smoke.
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, what do you think of your visit?" Ses he,
+"Majer, it's jest as you told me. That Proclymashin of mine ain't
+popular, and I knowed it wouldn't be. But jest see how I was situated.
+There was the Abolishin Guvernurs drivin me on one side, an ther was
+France an England on the other side. What was I to do? I couldn't stand
+still. I couldn't go back. So I had to 'let her rip.' I've ben poleing
+around, Majer, ever sence I've been President, trying to touch bottom,
+an I couldn't find it. Now I hope I'll git it." "Yes," ses I, "Kernel,
+but may be your pole warnt a constitutional pole. Ef it had ben, you
+would hev found bottom long ago." Ses I, "Depend on it, Kernel, there
+ain't no bottom where you are poleing, and ef you keep on till
+doomsday, you won't find eny."
+
+Ses I, "Kernel, don't you know that you said in your inaugerole that
+you had no rite to interfere with slavery, an that you didn't intend
+to?"
+
+Ses he, "Did I, Majer? I've forgot all about it. The truth is, Majer,
+when I look back the two years I've been President, it reminds me of a
+story:--Old Bill Jones got drunk one election day, out in Illinoy, an
+had a hand in several fites before nite. The next day he was brought up
+before a Justess of the Peace, an the Justess inquired, 'Mr. Jones, did
+you strike Tom Smith yesterday?' 'Wal, I don't know, Judge,' ses Bill,
+'I was sloshin around considerabul, an can't exzactly say what I did.'
+'Wal, Mr. Jones, did you hit Jim Wattles?' 'Wal, now, Judge, I can't be
+sartin; the truth is, I was _sloshin_ around most of the day, I
+reckon.' 'Now, Mr. Jones, tell me whether you struck Dick Robinson?'
+'Can't say, Judge,' replied Bill. 'I believe, on the hull, I was
+_sloshin_ around about _all_ day.' 'Wal, Mr. Jones,' said the Justess,
+'what do you mean by "sloshin around?"' 'Wal, Judge,' said Bill,
+'"_sloshin around_" is jest going rite thru a crowd, an mowin your
+swath, hitten rite an left everybody you meet slap over the face an
+eyes.' Now, the truth is, Majer, I've been 'sloshin around' sence I've
+been President, hittin in the dark, an not knowin exzacly where I
+struck. This Proclymashin of mine is a hit in the dark, but as I am the
+first anti-slavery President, I've got to mark out a new track, an
+hence do as old Bill Jones did, keep 'sloshin around.'"
+
+"Wall," ses I, "Kernel, that's resky business, an ef you don't 'slosh'
+once too often, it will be a wonder. But," ses I, "Kernel, I'me
+terribul tired after this trip, an what do you say to havin a little
+old rye before we go to bed?"--"That's jest what I was thinkin of,
+Majer." The Kernel then told the feller in bad close, who does chores
+for us, to get us some, an we both tuk a good swig of genewine
+rye-juice, an went to bed. I was eenamost tuckered out, but this mornin
+I feel nigh about as good as ever agin.
+
+Yours till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XIX.
+
+_The President Nervous--The State Elections--Mr. Lincoln Astonished
+--He Takes Cordial--Mr. Seward Turns Democrat--The Major Tells a
+Story--Mr. Seward and the Major Take a Drink--How John Van Buren
+got Gen. Scott's Letter--Mr. Stanton on the Elections._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Oct. 20th, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS: Wal, the Kernel has ben sick agin. It is astonishin how littel
+takes him down now-a-days. His constitushin seems to be eenamost clean
+gone. Old rye don't do much good, an I've tried all sorts of medicin,
+but nothin seems to work well. This time his narves were terribly
+worked up, an he was so fidgety, that I koncluded to try Godfrey's
+Cordial. This cooled him down a dood deal, and but not until he tuk
+nigh unto four or five bottles full. The cause of all this flutter was
+the recent elecshins in Ohio, Indiany an Pennsylvany. The Kernel had
+been told by Sumnure, Greeley an Andrews that the only way to carry the
+elecshins this fall, was to issoo an emancipashun proclamashun; that if
+he didn't do it, the party would be completely whipped out in every
+State. So he koncluded to try it, but wen the returns cum in, you never
+did see such a woe-begone lookin man. One nite he heerd sum bad news
+from Ohio, an gettin up in his nite gown, he cum to my room and axed
+what I thought about it. I struck a light an got out my slate. The
+Kernel had Greeley's last year's almanac in his hands. Ses he, "Majer,
+let's go down to the telegraf offis, and see how the majorities run, an
+we can be able to give a guess that will cum as nigh to it as the jump
+of a rabbit." So I jist put on my duds, an off we went. The news cum in
+thick an fast, an as the feller at the telegraf read off the figgers, I
+put 'em down on my slate, an the Kernel compared them with his own
+majorities in Greeley's primer. I see he was turnin all sorts of
+colors, an finally, ses he, "Majer, we are gone jist as kompletely as
+if we were up Salt River now, instead of bein here. I'de jest like to
+swap places with sum hoss-jockey, an go into the hoss contract line."
+Ses he, "Majer, let's go hum. I've seen all of this elephant that I
+want to." So he crammed his coat-tail pocket full of despatches, an off
+we started. When he got hum, ses he, "Majer, my administrashin is the
+biggest failyure that ever tuk place in the history of this or eny
+other country. I now see that jest as plain as I see that bottle of old
+rye there. I've listened to those infernal fools, Sumnure an Greeley,
+an a pretty scrape they have got me in."
+
+Ses I, "Kernel, it ain't my natur to hit a man wen he is down, or to
+hurt anybody's feelins by referrin to the past. But," ses I, "don't
+you rekollect the story about 'applyin the principle?'" Ses he, "Yes,
+I do; I recollect it well." "Wal," ses I, "now see the _result_ of
+'applyin the principle.' I told you then that you'd get scorched wus
+than Zenas Humspun did in meddlin with the telegraf, if you undertook
+to carry out the principle of Abolishun, but you sed the thing must
+tech the bottom, an you was bound to put it through. Now, you see, the
+people don't support you. They don't want niggers made equal to white
+men, nor they don't want 'em freed to be a tax on 'em. A few fellers
+like Greeley, whose brains all seem to run to bran-bread, an free luv,
+or some other moonstruck nonsense, an some larned fools like Sumnure,
+want to try the experiment, but they don't represent the people. So you
+see, Kernel, that in applyin the principle you have kicked yourself
+over, an I only menshin it to show you that if he had followed my
+advice you would not have had these grate defeats to mourn over."
+
+The Kernel looked very solem, an ses he, "Majer, I know I'd been a
+great deal better off if I'd followed your advice all through these
+trubbils, but you see I had to go with my party, and if it had carried
+me to the other side of Jordon, I s'pose I should have gone with it."
+
+That nite I thought the Kernel would go into spasms, he was so nervous.
+I got some hot water, an soaked his feet in it, rubbed his bowels with
+brandy, an laid flannel on 'em, an bathed his temples in camfire an
+rum. But he grew wus all the time. Finally, I began to pore the Cordial
+down him, an then he commenced to revive. But he didn't sleep scacely a
+wink all nite. In the mornin he was the most limpsy piece of mankind I
+ever did see. I ralely believe he might have been tied in a knot like
+an eel, he was so limber.
+
+Jest a little while after breakfast, who should come in but Seward? He
+hadn't hardly spoken to me sence I blowed him for alterin the Kernel's
+Constitushinal Teliskope, but this mornin he was as perlite an as
+clever as he could be. Ses he, "Majer, the elecshin news is good, an
+_our_ party is successful." Ses I, "Mr. Seward, I don't understand
+you." "Why, Majer," ses he--and he put on one of the queerest smiles I
+ever see on a man's face--"don't you know I have turned Dimmocrat?" Ses
+I, "You don't say so." "Yes," ses he, "I'm a Dimmocrat now, an no
+mistake." The Kernel looked as if thunder had struck him. "Wal," ses I,
+"Mr. Seward, that reminds me of a story, as the Kernel would say."
+"Wal," ses he, "Majer, what is it? I always like to hear your stories.
+They are so pat." "Wal," ses I, "mebby this will turn out to be a
+little patter than you like; but, howsoever, as I never spile a good
+story for acquaintance sake, I will tell it. Once on a time, it is
+said, an old coon went out of a night to get some fodder among the
+cornfields, an did not return to his hole until near mornin. Wen he got
+hum he saw a skunk had taken possession of his hole. He went up, an ses
+he, 'Who's there?' The skunk replied, 'A coon.' 'Are you a coon?'
+'Yes,' said the skunk, 'I'm a coon.' 'Wal,' sed the coon, 'you don't
+look like a coon; you don't act like a coon, and I'll be darned ef you
+_smell_ like a coon.'"
+
+"Now," ses I, "Mr. Seward, you may be a Dimmocrat, but you don't look
+like one, nor act like one, nor smell like one, an I'll be darned ef I
+believe you are one."
+
+Ses he, "Majer, you are rather personal." "Wal," ses I, "I don't mean
+any offence, an," ses I, "if you really mean to be a Dimmocrat, let's
+take a drink of old rye over the victories in Ohio, Pennsylvany and
+Indiany." So he cum up an we both took a good swig of wiskey. The
+Kernel looked at us an grit his teeth. "Wal," ses he, "ef you are goin
+to rejoice in my defeat, I'll go over an call on Stantin, an see ef he
+can't cheer me up." So the Kernel went off. After he'd gone, Seward an
+I tuk another nip of the old rye, an purty soon we tasted of it agin.
+The Seckretary is a capital drinker, an he knows what good licker is as
+well as eny feller I ever see. Finally he got in a very good humer, an
+ses he, "Majer, we've been bad friends long enough." So he actually
+hugged me, and sed there warn't a man that ever lived that he loved so
+much as the old Ginneral, an next to him his friend Majer Downing. Wen
+I thought I'd got him in a good humer an he was very talkative, ses I,
+"Mr. Seckretary, kin you tell me how John Van Buren got that letter of
+Ginneral Scott's?" Ses he, "Yes, Majer, I kin. You know I don't want
+that feller Wadswurth elected, for he's my bitter political inemy; so
+the way the letter got out was this:--Weed, you know, is my chum. Now,
+we have an understandin that everything that I can't tell him I put in
+my right hand coat-tail pocket. You see then I can deny that I made it
+public. That pocket is Weed's pocket, an he always goes to it for
+secrets. Wal, I put the letter in that pocket, an Weed got it from
+there. Weed also has just such a pocket. All smart politishins have
+such a pocket. Now, Weed's chum is Ben Welch, Commissary Ginneral, an
+Ben got it out of Weed's pocket. Now, John has long been a chum of
+Ben's, an he got it out of Ben's pocket. That's the way that this
+letter got out, that there is so much mystery about."
+
+Rite off after this the Kernel came in, an we had to drop the
+conversashin, for Seward gave me the wink as much as to say that he
+didn't want Linkin to know everything about it.
+
+Then I asked the Kernel what Stantin sed. He sed Stantin was in favor
+of issooing a proclamashin, over the grate victories of the
+Administrashin in Ohio, Indiany, Pennsylvany an Iway. He sed the people
+didn't put any faith in newspapers any more, an a proclamashin declarin
+that the elecshins had all gone favorabul would be believed without
+winkin. Stantin thinks there ain't nothin so powerful as a
+proclamashin. Seward said afore it was done, the Cabbynet had better be
+called together. Here the matter dropped, an as the Kernel looked
+uncommon blue, I left him to his own reflecshins, an went up-stairs to
+my room.
+
+Yours till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XX.
+
+_The New York Election--Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story--Cannot Do Justice
+to the Subject--Mr. Lincoln Feels Bad--The Major Amuses him by a
+Joke--How to get up a Message--Keeping a Party Together--The Excelsior
+Political Prepared Glue--The Different Stripes of Abolitionists--
+Boating on the Mississippi River--Poleing Along._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Nov. 10th, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+I expect you were very much surprised in not gettin a letter from me
+last week, but the truth is, I got one partly writ jest as the news of
+the elecshins in New York an Jersey cum in, an I should have finished
+it an sent it on ef the Kernel had not been taken down sick so sudden.
+Wen the rumor fust cum that York city had gone over thirty thousand for
+Seemore, an that Fernandow an Ben. Wood an Jeemes Brooks had been
+elected to Congriss, the Kernel didn't say a word, but looked as ef
+he'd drop down thru the floor. I didn't like to speak fust, but I see
+the Kernel warn't going to, an so ses I, "How do you feel, Mr.
+Presidint?" "Wal," ses he, "Majer, I'll tell you a story. A good meny
+years ago there lived in lower Kentuck an old feller named Josh Miller.
+Now, it was ginerally reckoned in that part of the country that old
+Josh could out-swear eny feller that ever lived. Josh was a kind of
+gineral teamster, an had a two-hoss wagon with which he did chores for
+everybody round the village. One day he had on a load of ashes, an was
+goin up a steep hill, sittin on the fore part of his wagon. Wen about
+half way up the hind-board of his wagon cum out, an old Josh not lookin
+round, nigh about all the ashes jarred out, so wen he got to the top of
+the hill he didn't have a pan full left. He stopped his hosses,
+however, an got out, an a hull lot of fellers, who knew the ability of
+old Josh in the swearin line, gathered around expecting to here the
+tallest kind of strong words. The old feller looked fust at his wagon
+an then at the ashes all strewed along the road, an finally ses he,
+'Boys, there's no use in tryin--_I can't do jestice to the subject_.'
+An now, Majer," ses the Kernel, "That jest my condition now--I can't do
+jestice to the subject, an I don't feel like talkin; in fact, I _can't_
+talk."
+
+I see the Kernel felt very bad, an ef he couldn't talk nor tell
+stories, I didn't know wat on arth might happen. I was afeered he would
+get so full that sumthin like the dropsy would set in. An sure enuf,
+that nite not a word did he speak, nor a story did he tell. The
+consekence was, he began to swell an bloat like a mad porkepine. I see
+at once that I must turn doctor agin, or there was no tellin how soon
+he might kick the bucket. He was growin wus fast, actually beginnin to
+look _blue_. So ses I, "Kernel, there's no help for it; you must be
+tapped!" "Tapped!" ses he, "Majer, tapped! There warn't enything ever
+_tapped_ in my house that lasted more that a week. Oh no! I ain't reddy
+to die yet." I see the "rulin pashin was strong in deth," jest as the
+poet's say; but as soon as I got a joke out of him, I knew that he
+would survive. So thinks I to myself, I'll see ef I can fetch him to by
+another joke; so ses I, "Kernel, suppose 'tappin' should kill you, you
+would go to a _world of spirits_!"
+
+Wen I said this, he jumped rite up out of his chair, laughin, an takin
+me by the hand, ses he, "Majer, you are the best frend I've got. Wen
+I'm sick you doctor me, an wen I'm down spereted you jest joke me rite
+out of the dumps." Ses he, "Majer, I've a good mind to make you
+Commander-in-Cheef of the Army." "No, no," ses I, "Kernel, don't do
+that, for I should think you had sumthin agin me, an wanted to hand me
+over to the Abolishinists to be punished!"
+
+The Kernel and I have also been bizzy sence I wrote you last in getting
+up the next message. He has been ritin his ideas on little slips of
+paper about two inches wide, as they have happened to pop in his head,
+an then submitten 'em to me to sort of polish up. The Kernel ses that
+ritin a message is a good deal like gettin out timber for a barn in the
+woods. Fust, you want the sills, then the posts, then the girders, then
+the plates, an finally the rafters. We ain't got the sills fairly hewed
+out and squared yit. The truth is, the Kernel is kinder worried as to
+how exactly to lay the foundashin. Wilson, who is now here, ses the
+sills must be of Abolishin timber, and no mistake. I telled the Kernel
+that sich stuff was the poorest kind of bass-wood, an wouldn't stand
+nohow. Then he thought of puttin in a mixture of Abolishin timber an
+sum constitutional saw-logs, but I telled him that that would make it
+so cross-grained that it wouldn't bear eny weight at all, an by the
+time we got the rafters on it would all smash down in a pile. "Wal,"
+ses he, "Majer, I must do sumthin to keep my party together. I must
+contrive sum sort of a mixture that won't look too much Abolishin, an
+yet that won't drive off the old, genewine friends of freedom." "Wal,"
+ses I, "I don't think your party kin hold together much longer, enyhow.
+It seems to me it is mity nigh now fallen to pieces, an it won't take
+much longer to knock it into so menny pieces that you can't no more
+putty 'em together than you can find the tail of a rainbow."
+
+"Wal," ses the Kernel, "Majer, don't you think I've done well in keepin
+it together as long as I have?" Ses I, "Yes, Kernel, ef there's a
+feller in this country that ought to git out a patent for 'Excelsior
+Political Prepared Glue,' it is you. You've kept together the most
+cross-grained, knotty, knerly lot of political timber that ever was
+made up into eny political party." Ses I, "There's the Greeley stripe.
+Now, it's enuf to give any party the dyspepsy to have such a set of
+bran-bread, free-luv, long-haired set of fellers in it. An ther's
+Gerrit Smith an his stripe, a kind of maroon-colored, mongrel breed of
+politicians, sumthin like a cross between a Jamacy nigger an an
+Esquimaw; an then ther's Wendell Phillips an old Garrison, sort of
+Abolishin alligators; an fineally you've got a sort of half-an-half
+fellers in your party who try to be conservative, who quote Blackstun
+and the law dicschinnaries, an set great stress upon being very
+moderate. Now, how you've contrived, Kernel, to keep all these
+different ingredients together is a mystery." "Wal, Majer, ef I hadn't
+larn't sumthin about boatin on the Mississippi River, wen I was young,
+I don't believe I would ever have been able to steer the ship of State
+at all." "Why," ses I, "how is that?" "Wal," ses he, "goin up the
+Mississippi River is a good deal like being Presidint. Sumtimes you
+have to go one way and sumtimes another. Sumtimes you go slam rite in
+one bank an sumtimes in t'other, and then it ain't at all oncommon to
+get on a sand-bar, an lay there no one can tell how long. Now, Majer,
+that's a good deal like being Presidint, an you see I've kept my party
+together by jest goin first one way an then t'other. Wen the Abolishin
+tide cum along strong, I'de jest let the vessel foller the current, go
+with it, an wen she struck the other shore, of course, it would take
+another tack. Sumtimes, when all hands got a quarrelin, I jest let her
+rip rite on a sand-bar, and there let her lay until I made 'em settle
+their disputes. But, I tell you, Majer, there's one that has been the
+best of all to keep my party together. Wen they've got purty mutinous,
+I've threatened to discharge all hands an get a new set. Then you ought
+to see how soon they stop quarrelin. Ther's nothin they so much dred as
+to lose the offices. Take away the cow that gives the milk, an they
+would all blat jest like weaned calves. So wen I stop the ship an tell
+them that I'm goin to clear the deck an put on a new crew, I tell you
+they are as whist as mice. So you see, I go poleing along. First this
+way, then that, jest like goin up the Mississippi River, for all the
+world."
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that seems to me a rather hap-hazard, no-policy
+way of bein Presidint. It ain't statesmanlike." "Wal, Majer, mebby it
+is and mebby it ain't; but I'm goin to make things shake now, sence the
+elecshins are over. Things have got to be more lively."
+
+I didn't say nothin, for I see the Kernel was gettin his back up. At
+last, ses I, "Kernel, have you tried eny of that old rye lately?" Ses
+he, "No, Majer, I ain't, but I feel like wettin my gills to-nite. How
+do you feel?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, a little good whiskey never goes
+agin the grain." At that the Kernel sent for the feller who does
+chores, an we both took a swig. Wen I thought he was in purty good
+humor, ses I, "Kernel, why did you remove McClellin?" Ses he, "Majer, I
+can't tell you now, but jest recollect my story about 'polein around,'
+an gettin in 'Abolishin currents,' an you kin guess." I sed nothin, for
+I see the Kernel was very mum, so I bid him good-nite, and slept as
+sound on that old rye as I ever did wen I was a boy. The Kernel is
+famous for good whiskey, anyhow.
+
+Yours, till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XXI.
+
+_The Message--A Cabinet Council--Speeches of Seward, Chase, Stanton,
+Welles, Blair and Bates--Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story--The Major Gives His
+Opinion--Mr. Chase Accuses Him of Disloyalty--The Major Demands a
+Retraction--It is Given._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Nov. 22, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--Wal, the messige ain't done yet. The Kernel keeps tinkerin at it
+a little every day. I tell him he is jest like a cooper hammerin at a
+barrel. He keeps poundin away, an when he gits thru, he is rite around
+jest where he started from. The other day I telled the Kernel that it
+mite hurry up matters by havin a Cabinet Council, and perhaps by gettin
+all heds together we mite git the messige in sum sort of shape.
+Congress would meet afore long, an there was no time to loose. The
+Kernel sed he thought that would be a good idee, an so one was called.
+The Kernel insisted that I should be present, though I didn't much want
+to be, sence I knew how Seward was trying to play the conservative and
+turn Dimmycrat. Howsoever, I determined to go but to say nothin. The
+Kernel opened the ball by tellin all hands how that he an the Majer had
+been to work at the messige for some weeks, off an on, like farmers
+sortin their corn, but they couldn't git the docyment into ship-shape
+exactly, an hence he had called 'em together to hear their opinions on
+the subject, an to larn how each department, stood. He sed he wanted to
+tech on all subjects, an fust he would ask Mr. Seward about our furrin
+affairs. Seward got up, lookin very pale, an the fust thing he sed was,
+that he believed Seemore was elected Guvernor of New York. Mr. Chase
+wanted to know "what that had to do with foreign affairs, but," ses he,
+an here he looked very knowin, "perhaps Mr. Seward kin tell how Seemore
+cum to be elected?" At this Seward brushed up an asked him "what he
+meant?" "Wal," ses he, "I mean jest this, that if you an Weed had not
+thrown cold water on Wadsworth, Seemore would never have been elected."
+"That's false," ses Seward, an Chase jumped up as if he was goin to do
+sumthin, but the Kernel at once interfered, an sed that he didn't send
+for 'em to quarrel about the elecshins, which were bad enough, Lord
+knows, but he wanted to know how the furrin affairs stood. Seward sed,
+"that, comin to the pint, furrin affairs never looked better. We were
+at peace with all the world, an he didn't doubt but with the aid of his
+friend Weed, and a liberal use of secret service money, he would be
+able to keep the peace. He sed it looked now as if, in sixty days, that
+all idee of furrin intervenshin for the rebils would be given up, an
+then the rebelyun would be smashed at once."
+
+Then the Kernel asked Mr. Chase how the financies stood. Wal, Chase sed
+that everything was working splendid; that only the other day he got a
+loan in Wall street above par; that everything was risin in price, an
+that the people was tickled to deth with the good-lookin notes he got
+out; that they liked 'em so well, an they were so much handier than
+gold an silver, that they didn't use enything else lately. He sed he
+thought he was going to be set down as the greatest financier since the
+days of Liecurgus, who made money out of iron, an thus made all the
+people rich at once. He said that he would make 'em all rich, ef paper
+didn't get too high, an there was some danger of it, as the pesky
+rebils had all the cotton to make it of. Jest get that, an he would
+snap his fingers at the hull world.
+
+Then Stantin got up. He sed everything was now progressin finely sence
+the Ralerode Sooperintendent had been discharged. He didn't doubt but
+Burnside would be in Richmond by the time Congress met, an he thought
+it was so sure, that he advised Linkin to put it in his Message at
+once. He sed his idee was, as soon as Richmond was taken, to issoo a
+proclamashin appointing a day of thanksgiv'n an prayer for our victory
+over the rebils. He sed, ef his plans had been followed, we would have
+been in the rebil Capital long ago, but it was all rite now, and no one
+need have eny fears.
+
+Then grandfather Welles spoke. He sed Mr. Stantin seemed to think that
+the army was goin to do all, but he could tell him that he would find
+that his gunboats were to play a big part. He had been all summer
+buildin a hull lot of iron-plated monsters, an ef the war didn't cum to
+an end too soon, they would make the fur fly. At all events, they would
+be reddy to celebrate peace, which would be somethin. For his part, he
+didn't think the war was nigh ended; yet in fact, he didn't see how it
+could end until all the contracts were finished. It would'nt do to
+disappint so many good members of the party, who hadn't yet had their
+turn buyin vessels on commission, or makin gunboats.
+
+Then Mr. Blair got up, lookin as if he thought that wisdom would surely
+die when he did. He sed he reckoned that the country was safe. He sed
+he had kept a pretty close watch on the newspapers to see ef eny of
+them opposed the war or advocated slavery. He thought that the people
+never had had sich advantages in the Post-Office as they had had sence
+he was Postmaster-Gineral. The people, he sed, used to have to pick out
+the papers they wanted to take themselves, now he did it for 'em. He
+sed he thought he knew best, too, what was good for them, for his
+father was an editor a good meny years, an when he needed informashin
+he allers called on the old man! When Blair sot down, the Kernel called
+upon Mr. Bates, but he had gone to sleep, so they skipped him and
+called upon Mr. Smith. He sed that the interior department was in a
+flourishin condishin, but he hed lately heered that the loco focos had
+agin carried Indianny, and it had so worried him as to give him the
+tooth-ache. Ef they wanted to know anythin more about this department,
+he would ask his chief clark. Here the Kernel asked Seward ef he
+wouldn't wake up Mr. Bates. Seward jest walked up, tuk his finger and
+thumb and pinched the old man's nose. As he was breathin very hard thru
+it, he jumped up as ef he had ben pricked with a pin. Ses he, "Have the
+rebils took Saint Lewis?" Seward telled him that this was a Cabbynet
+Council. "Aye," ses he, "what's up?" "Wal," ses Linkin, "we want to
+know the condishin of your department?" Ses he, "I ain't a military
+Ginneral, an ain't got command of no department!" The old man warn't
+fairly awake yet; ses Seward, ses he, "I guess I'll have to give him
+another pinch." "Now," ses the Kernel, "that reminds me of a story. An
+old Dominy down in Connecticut used to have a very sleepy congregashin.
+One day, wen a good many were asleep, he stopped rite in the middle of
+his sermon, and called out, 'Deacon Giles, sing the 119th Psalm, to the
+tune of Old Hundred.' The Deacon commenced and sung one verse. Wen he
+got thru, the Dominy yelled out at the top of his voice, 'sing another
+varse, Deacon; they ain't all awake yit.'" Wile all hands were laughing
+at the Kernel's story, Mr. Bates got putty wide awake, and sed that his
+business had got sorter mixed up with Stantin's, and in fact there
+warnt any courts or judges or juries now, an mity little need of
+Atturny Ginnerals--the Ginnerals were all of another kind. He sed wen
+the war was over he meant to write out a legal opinion agin it, but he
+was afeered it wouldn't be loyal to do it now, and so he spent most of
+his time in reading a bound volume of the Christian Almanac, which he
+had for fifty years back. He thought the country was in a very
+prosperous condishin, for he drew his salary regular.
+
+After he got thru, the Kernel called on me to make sum remarks, but I
+telled him "I didn't cum there to say enything, but only to listen, an
+to see ef I could larn enough of what was goin on to complete the
+message." They all set in then, especially Seward, an sed I must give
+my impreshins, ef nothin more. "Wal," I telled 'em, "ef I sed enything
+I should be jest as blunt as a pump-handle, an they mustn't take no
+offence; an that so far as I was consarned, I might jest as well go to
+a singin school to larn to dance as to have cum here to find enything
+about the state of the country. Every one of 'em seemed to be thinkin
+about himself, an nothin about the country. Because they drew their
+salary regularly, an had enough to eat and drink, they thought nobody
+was hurt. I telled 'em that I guessed they all had on 'Glorification
+Spectacles,' an that everything was magnified to 'em. Then I sed that
+jest what the Kernel wanted to know to put in his message was, how many
+sojers we had, an how much they were costin; an how many sailyurs we
+had, an how many ships, an how much they cost. Then I telled 'em that
+the people would like to know how many poor fellers had lost their
+lives sence the war begun; how many had been crippled, &c., &c.; an how
+much the debt would be after we all got thru; an finally, what great
+good we had got by it all." Here Chase spoke up. Ses he, "We'll
+establish freedom an restore the Union." "Wal," ses I, "ef you want
+four millions of niggers to take keer of, you're welcome to 'em, but as
+for restorin the Union by war, so far it's jest been like climbin a
+greased pole; as fast as you climb up you slip back, an," ses I, "it
+will be so to the eend of the chapter, unless I'me mistaken." Ses
+Chase, ses he, "The Majer is disloyal." Wen he sed that I jumped rite
+up with my hickory, an ses I, "Ain't your name Salmon?" Ses he, "Yes."
+"Wal," ses I, "it won't be long if you don't take that back." I never
+see a feller look so scart. Ses he, "Majer, I didn't mean eny offence,
+an so I'll take it back, for I think you mean well." I telled him "that
+I didn't allow enybody to say or to intimate that I warnt a friend to
+the Constitushin and the Union."
+
+The Kernel here spoke an sed that his Cabbynet was a good deal like old
+Josh Pendleton's boys out in lower Illinoy. They allers cum hum every
+New Years to see the old man an have a talk of old times, but afore
+they got thru they allers had a regular fite. So he thought he'd adjurn
+the Cabbynet for fear there would be a scrimmage here.
+
+Then they all took their departure, an the messige ain't no nearer done
+than ever. The Kernel an I have set up nite after nite, an drank old
+rye, but it is no use, we can't get it in ship-shape form. The Kernel
+ses he guesses he will jest get the messige out in rough and send it
+into Congris, an let Sumnure, Chandler, Lovejoy an Thad Stevens lick it
+into shape.
+
+Yourn till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XXII.
+
+_The Message Finished--Mr. Sumner says it is not Grammatical--The
+Major's Excuse--Mr. Sumner Finds Fault with the Major's Spelling--The
+Major Stumps Him--He Gives His Views on "Edication"--Mr. Lincoln
+Proposes a Connundrum--The Major Tells a Story--Mr. Seward's Opinion on
+the War._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Dec. 6th, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--Wal, I'm glad to say that Congriss has got together, an the
+Messige has been red an digested. He wouldn't let Seward or Chase have
+enything to do with it, but he jest mauled it all out himself. The next
+day arter the Messige was sent in, Sumnure cum in an sed the Messige
+warn't exactly grammatikal in all its parts. I telled him that "I
+guessed ef he had to work around short corners as the Kernel did,
+without gettin tripped up, he would find it mity hard work to get
+everything jest according to grammer." I telled him "grammer warn't of
+eny ackount wile the rebellyun lasted--that, like the Constitushin, the
+grammer was suspended, or locked up where habus korpus couldn't get at
+it. In fact," ses I, "Mr. Sumnure, I think that eny man who talks about
+its bein necessary to obsarve the laws of grammer, or any other laws,
+wen a nashin is in a deth struggle with traiturs, is a disloyal person,
+an orter to be sent to Fort La Fieit." Wen I sed this, Sumnure turned
+all sorts of colors, an ses he, "Wal, Majer, perhaps you're rite about
+grammer; but I think you orter spell the President's name rite in your
+letters. It's a disrespect to the Cheef Majestrate not to do it."
+"Wal," ses I, "Mr. Sumnure, I've got my own idees on spellin. Spellin
+is a good deel like sparkin the gals--it's jest as a feller takes a
+noshin. My idee is, ef I spell a word so as to git its sound, I'm rite,
+an I don't keer wat you say, it's the only rule of spellin that holds
+good in the long run. Now," ses I, "ef L-i-n-k-i-n don't spell Linkin,
+what on arth does it spell?" That seemed to stump him. "But," ses he,
+"Majer, there's some ginneral rules that orter be observed--rules that
+the schools all use." "Wal," ses I, "I don't know much about schools,
+an I guess the Kernel don't nether. I went to school six weeks, an the
+Kernel ses he went six months. School larnin is mity poor truck to put
+into a feller's hed onless he's got a good deal of brains there.
+There's more edicated fools now in the world than there are fools of
+eny other kind, an there's a great menny of them, Lord knows. And," ses
+I, "it's those edicated fools that make all the trubbil."
+
+"Why, Majer," ses he, "you ain't an enemy to edication, I hope."
+
+"Wal, no, Mr. Senator, I ain't no enemy to edication; I only hate
+edicated fools."
+
+Ses he, "Majer, what do you mean by edicated fools?"
+
+"Wal," ses I, "wen I was a boy, an went to school the six weeks I speak
+of, there was a boy in my class who could beat me a spellin an readin,
+an in eenamost everything, but I could lick him jest as easy as I could
+whistle. He hadn't eny more spunk, or pluck, or courage than a sick
+kitten, an mighty little genewine common sense. His father, however,
+sent him to college, an the fust thing I heerd of him, the papers were
+callin him a larned man, an he ain't done enything ever sence but to
+blab at Abolishin meetins an make Abolishin speeches. Now," ses I,
+"that's wat I call an edicated fool. Jest like the larned pig, he can
+do wat he larns to do or sees done; but as for real common sense to
+tell wether a thing is rite or rong, he ain't worth eny more for it
+than a bull-dog is to catch rats."
+
+Sumnure looked kinder streaked wen I sed this, but I didn't say a word,
+an jest here the Kernel, who had been down stairs to get his boot-jack,
+cum in. Ses he, "Good mornin, Mr. Sumnure. I'll bet you one of Chase's
+greenbacks," ses he, "that you can't tell why this boot-jack is like
+an offis-seeker." Sumnure sed he couldn't. "Wal," ses the Kernel,
+"because it sticks close to the heels of the Presidint."
+
+I telled the Kernel how that Sumnure sed that the Messige warn't
+grammatikal. "Wal," ses he, "I beleeve everything goes rong sence I
+became Presidint. The country is upside down; the niggers are more
+trubbul than ever before; the white men are cuttin one another's
+throats, an it seems as if Bedlam was let loose; an now the grammer has
+been violated, they say. Wal, I wonder wat on arth I am fit for. I
+never succeeded well in flat-botein; I allers had poor craps wen I
+tried to be a farmer; I was too tall to split rails handy; and, as a
+lawyer, I warn't enything more than from poor to middlin. Ef I can't be
+Presidint, I don't see wat on arth I was made for."
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, perhaps you are like the old Quaker's dog." Ses
+he, "How was that, Majer?" "Wal," ses I, "I'll tell you the story. Up in
+Maine, not far from Downingville, there used to live an old Quaker
+named Hezekiah Peabody. He had a yaller dog that was allus loungin
+around the house. One day Sol Hopkins, a rough old feller, cum along,
+an ses he, 'Mr. Peabody, I want a dog to hunt foxes. Do you think your
+dog is good for foxes?' 'Now,' ses the Quaker, 'neighbor Solomon, I
+never tried the dog on foxes for the huntin of any animals is not my
+business; but if thee wishes a dog for foxes, accordin to the
+Scripters, this dog must be a good dog for foxes.' 'Wal, will you
+warrant him a good dog for foxes?' 'I cannot do that, neighbor Solomon,
+for I never tried him on foxes; but, accordin to the Scripters, thee
+can be sure the dog is good for foxes.' So old Sol, thinkin that
+Scripter proof must be good, give the Quaker five dollars for the dog.
+He took him hum, an the next day he saw a fox runnin across one of his
+lots. So he called the dog an showed him the fox, but he wouldn't stir
+an inch after him. This made old Sol terribul mad, an the next day he
+took the dog back to the Quaker, an ses he, in his rough way: 'Mr.
+Peabody, this dog is not worth a dam!' 'Tut, tut, neighbor Solomon,
+thee shouldn't speak profanely with thy lips.' 'That may be,' ses old
+Sol, 'but didn't you tell me that this dog was good for foxes.' 'No,
+neighbor Solomon, I think not. I said accordin to Scripters he _must_
+be good for foxes.' 'Wal,' ses old Sol, 'how do you make that out?'
+'Wal, neighbor, the Scripters say, "that there is nothin made in vain,"
+_an as I had tried that dog on everything else except fox-huntin, I
+thought that that must be what he was made for_!' "Now," ses I, "Kernel,
+I hope it won't turn out that you are like the old Quaker's dog, 'made
+in vain,' or, as old Sol. Hopkins expressed it, 'not worth a d----!'
+but," ses I, "ef you don't restore this Union before your term expires,
+the people will think that you were a good deal worse than the Quaker's
+dog, for if he warn't good for enything, he didn't do any particular
+harm."
+
+The Kernel didn't seem to like this story much, for ses he, "Majer, I
+think you are getin kinder personel." Ses I, "No, Kernel; I don't mean
+to be, but you know stories sometimes will fit closer than you think
+for when you begin to tell 'em."
+
+Jest here Seward cum in, an with his church-yard smile, ses he, "Good
+mornin, Mr. President. I've got good news from England. There won't be
+any intervenshin now, an the rebellyun will all be over in 60 days. My
+friend Weed thinks so, too."
+
+"What's up, Boss?" ses Linkin. That's the name he calls Seward by.
+"Oh," ses he, rubbin his hands, "don't you see by the papers what a
+large amount of money the merchants in York are subscribin for the
+poor, patient, starving English workmen. God bless 'em." Here Seward
+drew a deep sigh, and then ses he, "It will produce such a good effect
+in England! Intervenshin is dead. The rebellyun is crushed, an all by
+this grand an noble idee of mine to feed the starvin poor. What
+filanthropy will do, when it is done right!" An here Seward commenced
+rubbin his hands an walkin about the room, an actin like a gal that is
+jest goin to get married. I didn't say enything, an the Kernel didn't
+say enything either, an it warn't a minut afore Seward dodged out of
+the door as quick as he cum in. After he hed gone, ses I, "Kernel, how
+many times has Seward hed the rebellyun suppressed?" "Oh," ses he, "he
+goes to sleep every night with the sartin belief that the Union will be
+restored by daylight; that Jeff Davis will be hanging on a sour apple
+tree by noon, an that he will be elected next President by sundown."
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I think you've got a queer cabinet." "Yes," ses
+he, "that I have. Seward thinks that his ritin letters to Europe is
+goin to overthrow the rebellyun. Chase thinks it can't be done, except
+by his greenbacks an freein the niggers. Old grandfather Welles is
+sure that there is nothin will restore the Union except his gunboats;
+while Blair feels sure that he kin do it by stoppin Dimmecratic
+papers!" Ses I, "Why don't you change 'em?" "Wal," ses he, "what's the
+use of swappin jackets? There ain't nothin to be made by it. No, I
+won't change my Cabynet onless I'm druv to it. It's bad enough now, but
+Lord only knows what it might be ef I ondertake to change it."
+
+I was in hopes I could induce Linkin to put in some new men, an get out
+Chase, Seward, Stantin an Blair. But it's no use. So we shall jog along
+after the old fashion. Where we shall be in the spring no one kin tell.
+Congriss has gone to work in arnest to fix up the financies, an to take
+keer that the Dimmecrats don't sue Linkin for suspendin the habus
+korpus. The filanthropists are also bizzy, an they are goin to give all
+the niggers here a Christmas dinner, which, I suppose, is expected to
+last 'em the year round. Eatin like a Turk one day an starvin 364, is,
+accordin to my idees, a poor way of livin.
+
+Yours, till deth,
+
+MAJOR JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XXIII.
+
+_The Major Goes to See the Postmaster-General about Stopping
+Papers--Mr. Blair Promises to Release Them--The President Again in
+Trouble--A Change in the Cabinet Demanded--The Major Suggests a Remedy
+for "the Crysis."_
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Dec. 20, 1862.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--Wal, ef I ain't been bizzy sence I writ you last, I wouldn't say
+so. I got your letter about seein Blair on the questshin of sendin
+THE CAWCASHIN in the mails, an I hadn't eny doubt but he would
+do it as soon as I put the subjec to him in the rite light. Blair's
+father, "Parson Blair," as he used to be called in the old Ginneral's
+time, an I used to be very thick. He helped me sifer a good deal wen I
+was postin the Ginneral up about Biddle's Bank matters. But I hadn't
+seen the old man for a long time ontel I called on him tother day. He
+was dredful glad to see me, an shuck my hand as ef he thought there
+warn't no feelin in it. Ses he, "Majer, it's a long time sence we've
+met, an I know you are a loyal man, for there ain't no follerer of
+Ginneral Jackson that could be enything else." Ses I, "Ef there's a
+loyal man in this country, I'm one. I go for puttin down every feller
+that's opposed to the Constitushin, I don't keer who he is. I only wish
+we had an Old Hickery to step in now an jest deal out jestiss all
+around, without any parshality. I guess there's a good menny fellers
+that don't expect it, who might get histed." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, I'm
+of your idee exactly. The truth is, I'm thinkin that this
+administrashin is played out. The Ultrys will ruin it." "Wal," ses I,
+"Mister Blair, I've cum to see you about another matter. Your son
+Montgummery, who used to be a little shaver in the old Ginneral's time,
+has got the place of Amos Kindle, an he has been stoppin Dimmycratic
+papers in the mails." "Oh no," ses he, "I guess not; only sum disloyal
+sheets." "No," ses I, "I'll give you a hunderd dollars for every word
+of disloyalty agin the Constitushin you'll find in that paper." Here I
+took a CAWCASHIN out of my pocket, an handed it to him. He looked it
+over an couldn't find nothin to object to. Then I showed him the motto
+at its head, taken from his own words about the freedom of the press,
+an then I telled him I wanted him to go with me to Montgummery, an see
+ef the thing couldn't be fixed. So we went over, an you never see a man
+stare so as Montgummery did. Ses he, "Majer Downing, I'm tickled to see
+you. I think you have slighted me sence you've been in Washington.
+You've been to see nigh about all the members of the Cabynet except
+me." "Wal," ses I, "I don't go around much, except on bizness for the
+Kernel; but now," ses I, "I've cum on another arrand; I've cum to see
+why you don't allow all the Dimmycratic newspapers to go in the mails?"
+"Wal," ses he, "Majer, that's jest wat I'm goin to do. It was bad
+bizness for us that we ever stopped these papers. It made more votes
+for the Dimmycratic party than eny other cause. The truth is, it never
+was my policy. I never did beleeve in it, and now they all see it must
+be given up." Ses I, "Mister Blair, ef you didn't beleeve in it, you
+orter have refused to do it. That ain't the way the old Ginneral acted,
+an he's my model. Ef he thought enything was rong, there warn't a
+mortal man, high or low, that could have got him to do it. He would
+have died afore he would do wat his conscence told him warn't right, an
+it's them kind of men that are great men, an will save our country, ef
+it ever is saved." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, you're about right, an I
+don't think I shall stay in this bote much longer. Things are goin from
+bad to wus." "Yes," ses I, "they are like old Sol Hopkins's dyin cow,
+'gettin no better very fast.'" "But," ses he, "Majer, you can rest easy
+on the papers. We are goin back to the Free Press Principul, an let the
+people have their own way." "Wal," ses I, "I'm glad to hear it. It's
+about time there was a change."
+
+So I bid him good-by, an went back to see the Kernel, who I found in a
+peck of trubbil. Ses I, "What's the matter now!" for I saw at a glance
+that sumthin was up. Ses I, "Is Burnside whipped agin, or is Stonewall
+Jackson in our rear?" "No," ses he, "Majer, nothin of that sort, but
+sumthin jest about as bad." "Wal," ses I, "what is it?" "Wal," ses he,
+"there has jest been a committy here from the Senit who demand that I
+shall change my Cabbynet. They say we don't have eny success, an the
+peopul demand a change." Ses I, "Did you kick em down stairs?" "No,"
+ses he, "I didn't." "Wal," ses I, "you orter. They mite jest as well
+ask you to resign." Ses I, "Don't your Cabbynet agree in your policy?
+Don't they do as you desire?" "Yes," ses he, "they do." "Wal," ses I,
+"then what's the use of changin? If you intend to change your policy,
+then it is reasonable to ask you to change your Cabbynet, but otherways
+not." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, that's my idee exactly, but I didn't tell
+em so; I thought I would wait an see what you thought of it." "Wal,"
+ses I, "I see the hull cause of the rumpus. The defeat of Burnside has
+made em so wrathy that they didn't know what to do, an they thought
+they must find fault about sumthin." Ses I, "Fighten the rebils is jest
+for all the world like bar huntin. A good menny years ago, when it was
+common up in Maine, nigh about all the nabors would now an then turn
+out to hunt a bar. If they caught him they used to have a grand time,
+get up a big supper an drink whisky till they all got how cum you so.
+But if they didn't ketch the bar, then one was blamin tother, an tother
+anuther, an sumtimes the affair would end by gettin into a regular fite
+all around. Jest so it is now. If Burnside had whipped the rebils, it
+would all have been right." Ses Linkin, ses he, "Major, you're right.
+But what am I do? They komplain about the Cabbynet, an want me to
+change it." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I tell you how to fix it. Get the
+Committy and Cabbynet face to face, an let 'em quarrel it out." "That
+would be a capital idee, Majer, but how am I to do it?" "Wal," ses I,
+"you jest call the Cabbynet together for twelve o'clock to-morrow, an
+then send for the Committy, an put 'em in the same room together, an
+see how the happy family will manage." The Kernel was struck with the
+idee, an so the next day the Cabbynet were assembled, an pooty soon
+after the Committy, with Fessenden as Cheerman, made their appearance.
+You never see a more flustircated set of people in this world than
+these men were. But there was no backin out. The Kernel called the
+meetin to order, an sed he had received a good many komplaints, an he
+wanted the matter fully discussed. Fessenden got up an sed that the
+peeple were gettin tired of the war, an that the only way to satisfy
+'em was to change the Cabbynet. Burnside had been defeated, Banks had
+been sent a great ways off, when he was wanted at home, the sojers
+warn't paid, the gunboats warn't finished, &c., &c. Chase got up first;
+he sed if the sojers warn't paid it warn't his fault. The fact was,
+that paper had riz onexpectedly, an his stock was low. Jest as soon as
+paper got more plenty, an he got the new patent National Ten Cylendar
+Revolvin Machine at work, the sojers would be all paid regular. Then
+Stantin got up, puffin like a porpuss. Ses he, "Mr. President, these
+ere remarks are impertinent, an if I had my way, I would send every one
+of this Committy to the Old Capitol. I'de like to know what these men
+know about war, and strategy. Why, they talk about the defeat of
+Burnside. It is nonsense, sir; he ain't been defeated! The people are
+humbugged by the newspapers. It's a pity there's a newspaper in the
+land. They interfere with my strategy. Burnside has gained a great
+success. He has discovered the strength of the enemy's works at that
+pint, an now we know that some other route is the one to take, an not
+that one. Ef it had not been for this battle, we shouldn't have found
+that out. This Committy of old gentlemen, or old women, I had almost
+said, don't understand the art of war. Their talk is sheer
+impertinence. I'de squelch em with a proclamashin, if no other way."
+
+Then grandfather Welles got up, an sed he didn't like to have fault
+found because his gun-boats warn't reddy. He sed he would like to see
+eny one who had worked harder than he had. He sed he hadn't slept but
+fourteen hours a day for six months, while his naturel rest required
+eighteen. He hed sacrificed all that for the good of his country, and
+he didn't believe one of the Committy hed done as much. Blair got up
+and said he didn't keer how quick they turned him out. He was reddy to
+go eny time, as he thought the thing was about played out. Bates sed he
+thought things looked more cheerful than ever before, as he hed jest
+discovered that niggers could be citizens, and that the Dred Scott
+decision was a humbug. When they all got thru, there was a ginnerel
+talk all around, and they finally cum to the conclushin that there
+warn't eny reason for a change after all, an they all went off in a
+pretty good humor.
+
+So the great Cabbynet crysis ended, and the Kernel feels like a new
+man. My idee of gettin them all together face to face, the Kernel ses,
+saved the nashun. That nite we set up till after midnight, and finally,
+after takin a good swig of Old Rye, went to bed. The next morning the
+Kernel was as merry as a lark, and could tell stories as well as ever.
+
+Yours till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XXIV.
+
+_The Emancipation Proclamation--The Way to Get Richmond--Splitting
+the Union--The Major Tells a Story about Splitting--The President Gets
+Indignant--Seizes the Boot-Jack--The Major Pacifies Him--A Dream--The
+Major Returns to Downingville._
+
+
+DOWNINGVILLE, State of Maine,
+
+February 4th, 1863.
+
+_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
+
+Surs:--I expect you have bin kinder puzzled to know why you ain't
+heered from me in so long a time. I expect you'll wonder, too, why my
+letter is dated Downingville instead of Washington. Wal, I'll have to
+narrate the hull story:--You know the last letter I rit you was jest
+afore the first of Jinewary, when the Kernel had promised to issoo his
+Free Nigger Proclamashin. I was allers teetotally down on it, an I
+thought I should persuade him out of it, an tharby save the great
+disgrace an stane it would be on our country. But the truth is, the
+Kernel an I had a row about it, an I left. The story I'll tell jest as
+it tuk place: The mornin after New Year's I cum down stairs, an the
+Kernel was settin in his cheer with his feet on the tabil. "Wal," ses
+he, "I've done it." "Done what?" ses I. "Why," ses he, "I've signed the
+Proclamashin." "Wal," ses I, "you had better have signed your own deth
+warrant, for that is the deth warrant of the Union." Ses he, "Majer,
+I'm sorry you're so hard on that." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I ain't too
+hard on it, as you'll find out to your sorror." "Now, Majer, let me ask
+you one thing. We must take Richmond, an ain't we tried every way but
+this? Ain't we gone by the Shanandore Vally, by Jeemes River, by
+Manasses, an yet we can't get to Richmond? We must weaken the rebils
+afore we can do it, an this is the way to effect it."
+
+Ses I, "Kernel, don't you know there is one way to get to Richmond that
+you ain't tried yet?" "No," ses he, "I didn't know it." "Wal," ses I,
+"there is." "Wal," ses he, "what on arth is it?" "Wal," ses I, "it is
+the _Constitushinal way_!" Ses I, "You've bin tryin to git there agin
+the Constitushin, an you can't do it that way. Ef you hadn't called out
+75,000 men to whip South Caroliny, old Virginny would never have left
+you, an you could have got to Richmond jest as easy as old grandfather
+Welles kin go to sleep."
+
+"Wal," ses he, "Majer, mebby that's so, but you can't dip up spilt
+milk. Ef the thing is wrong, it's gone so far now that we may as well
+drive it thru an see ef we can't clinch it on tother side." "But," ses
+I, "there ain't eny tother side to this questshin, eny more than there
+is a white side to a nigger or black side to a white man, an you may
+drive on and on, an you won't get thru." "Wal," ses the Kernel, "what
+will come of it then, Majer?" "Wal," ses I, "you will _split_ the
+Union, but that is all you kin do." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, that would
+be jest like my tarnel luck. I never got hold of but one thing in my
+life that I didn't split." Ses I, "What was that?" Ses he, "A taller
+candle, an I defy all creashin to split that." Ses I, "Kernel, I guess
+you must be some relashin to the feller out West who split up all the
+churches." Ses he, "How was that?" "Wal," ses I, "ef I tell you the
+story, you must not get mad, for I'm afeered it will set putty clus."
+Ses he, "Majer, I can stand a joak better than eny other feller you
+ever see." "Wal," ses I, "here goes: There was a feller out West who
+got converted, or thought he did, an jined the Episcopal church. He
+hadn't bin in it long afore he got the members by the ears, an split it
+all up an broke it down. After he had done all the hurt he could, he
+went an jined the Presbyterian church, an he hadn't bin there long
+afore he split that all up. Then he went an united with the Baptist
+church. It warn't long afore they were all split up an broke to pieces.
+Being turned out from there, he went an jined the Methodist church. He
+soon got that church into hot water. One day, when the ministers were
+consultin as to what to do with him, ses one of them, ses he, 'I've bin
+prayin most fervently that that man may go to hell!' 'Tut, tut,
+brother,' says the Elder, 'how can you do so? You should pray for him
+that he may be better, and be fitted to go to Heaven.' 'No,' ses he, 'I
+don't think so. I've prayed earnestly that he might go to hell, an I'll
+tell you why. He has split up an broken up every church an neighborhood
+he was ever in, an ef he should go to Satan's dominions, I think he
+might split an break up that place, an you know what a blessing that
+would be.'"
+
+I hadn't more than got the last word out of my mouth, wen the Kernel
+jumped up from his cheer, and ketchin hold of his boot-jack, he
+flourished it rite over his head in a savage style. I thought he was
+stark mad. I got my hickery an backed up agin the door. I seed he was
+tarin mad, but I didn't say a word. I knew he'd work off the bile in
+his own way. Finally ses he, "Majer, wat are you standin there for?"
+"Why," ses I, "I was waitin to see what you was goin to do with that
+boot-jack." Ses he, "Have I got the boot-jack?" "Wal," ses I, "you've
+got sumthin in your hand that looks a mity site like one." "Wal," ses
+he, "Majer, I want to know whether you mean to apply that story to me?"
+"No," ses I, "Kernel. Didn't I tell you at the outset that I didn't;
+but you was tellin about what you had done in the way of splittin
+things, an I was reminded of that story. But I told you to keep your
+temper, an not take it as personal, but only as a joak?" "Wal," ses he,
+"Majer, I'll forgive you; but ef I thought you meant that story for me,
+I'd arrest you for disloyal practices, an put you in the Old Capital
+Prison."
+
+Then the Kernel asked me to take some Old Rye with him an make up
+friends. So I did; but I noticed, after that, that the Kernel watched
+me very clus. The very next day I had an awful attack of rumatiz, an I
+also felt sick an discurraged. Thigs never looked so black afore. I had
+a dream that nite, an I thought I saw the old Ginneral, an he told me,
+ses he, "This ain't any place for you now. The abolitionists have got
+full sway, an they will ruin the country as sure as my name is Andrew
+Jackson." I also dreamed that I saw thousands of dyin men, an weepin
+wimmin, an cryin children. I thought the doors of the houses all over
+the North looked red with blood, an a black cloud hung over the hull
+land. People seemed to be runnin first one way an then tother, askin
+what they should do. Finally, I heered a grate noise, like an
+arthquake, that woke me up, an I laid awake the rest of the nite.
+
+The next mornin I was eenamost down sick with trubbel an rumatiz, an I
+telled the Kernel I must go hum, where I could get good keer taken of
+me. The Kernel didn't say much agin it, for, after all, he didn't
+kinder like that story. So ses I, "Mr. President, I've been with you
+now for about a year, an I've got a clean conscience, for I've tried to
+tell you the rale truth jest as it is. Ef all who have cum around you
+had done the same, you would not be where you are; but," ses I, "I
+ain't got any feelin on the subject, an whenever I can be of any
+sarvice to my country, jest let me know, an I will come to Washinton
+agin."
+
+The Kernel ses he, "Majer, I know you are a patriot, and I feel bad to
+have you go. I wish now I had taken your advice. But," ses he, "Majer,"
+an here he giv my hand a tight squeeze, "you know I've only been a boat
+in a current, an yet like the boat I'll be jest the one that will get
+the worst smashed to pieces when the precipice is reached." I couldn't
+help feelin' kinder sorry for the Kernel as I bid him good-bye, but I
+felt still more sorry for my country that it had ever made him
+President.
+
+I got hum all safe, an sense then I've been laid up four weeks with the
+rumatiz. I never had such a long pull afore. As for writin with it on
+me, why I can't any more do it than a shad can climb a bean-pole. I
+expect you've been wonderin why you didn't hear from me, but I think
+this letter will explain the resin. If the rumatiz don't come on agin,
+an I think I kin say anything that would of sarvice in this awful and
+solemn crysis of our country's fate, I will drop you a line. I feel as
+if the nashin was dyin, however, an that we all orter put on mournin an
+sack-cloth, but come what will, I'm for my country
+
+Till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XXV.
+
+_The Major Feels Sorrowful over the Fate of His Country--The Story of
+the Black Heifer--The Man who Made a "Siss"--The Union--"Insine"
+Stebbins Again--His Reception at Downingville--"The Insensibles"--A
+Provoking Accident._
+
+
+DOWNINGVILLE, March 28, 1863.
+
+_To the Eddyters of The Cawcashin:_
+
+SURS:--You may wonder why you ain't heered from me afore; but the rale
+truth is, that I didn't feel like ritin in these times. I went to
+Washinton about a year ago, out of pure patriotism. I didn't want a
+contrack, nor a commission, nor enything. I went to give the Kernel
+good advice, jest as I did Ginneral Jackson; but it warn't no go.
+Somnure an Greeley, an Wendil Fillips, an sech stay-at-hum fiten
+ginnerals got the advantage of me, an Linkin does jest wat they want
+him to. To an old man like me, these are tryin times. I had almost said
+_cryin_ times; I can't bear to think of 'em. I dream o'nights of my
+country, wen it was all peace an happiness--wen ther warn't any sojers
+nor standin army to pay, nor no debt, nor no hospitals full of sick
+sojers, nor no sorrow or misery in the land; an wen I wake up an think
+how different it is now, I wish I could sleep all the time. The other
+day old Deacon Jenkens came over to see me. The Deacon, you know, was
+with me in Washinton a short time, wen I first went there, and his
+darter Jerusha Matilda went down to Port Royal to teach the contrybands
+their primmers. Wal, the Deacon ain't much wiser now than he was a year
+ago. He still thinks that by prayin an fightin the rebels will yet be
+whipped. He used to like the _Tribune_, but lately he ses he prefers
+the _Herald_, as it is more truthful. The old man, however, has been
+very blue for some time past, and now ses that prayin an fightin hain't
+accomplished much. "Wal," ses I, "Deacon, there hadn't orter been eny
+war at all; but," ses I, "while the South have had a single end an
+purpose, we've been all at odds and ends. The war has been carried on
+by us jest like old Sol Pendergrast's boy ploughed. Old Sol took his
+oldest boy, Adam, a thick-heded feller, out one Spring, an set him to
+ploughin. He told him to go to work an strike a furrow across a field
+to a _black heifer_, an then keep on. After givin this direcshin, old
+Sol went off to the house an left Adam alone. The boy started his oxen
+in a bee line for the _black heifer_, but wen he got pretty clus
+to her, she threw up her tail an ran off in another direcshin. Adam
+thought he must foller the heifer, no matter where she went; so he
+struck another bee line for her, and with jest the same result. Wen he
+got clus to her, the heifer give another frisk to her tail, an off she
+went. Adam geed his oxen around, and struck for her agin; an so he kept
+on all day. At nite the old man cum out to see how Adam had got along.
+He found the field all cut up with furrows, zig-zag, criss-cross, an in
+every direcshin, an asked Adam wat on arth it ment. 'Wal,' ses the
+thick-headed numskull, 'you told me to steer for the _black_ heifer, an
+I've done it all day, but the denied critter wouldn't stand still, an
+so the furrows are a kinder criss-cross, you see.' Now," ses I, "that
+is jest wat Linkin has been doin. Greeley told him to steer for the
+nigger, an the result is jest like Adam Pendergrast's ploughing.
+There's a considerable fightin ben done, but it is all criss-cross,
+zig-zag, an don't amount to nothin, an so it will be to the end of the
+chapter." Wen I sed this, the Deacon knocked the ashes out of his pipe,
+an ses he, "Wal, Majer, wat do you think the war will amount to,
+enyhow?" "Wall," ses I, "I guess it will end a good deal like the
+feller who thought he could make a horse-shoe jest as well as a
+blacksmith." Ses the Deacon, ses he, "How was that, Majer?" "Wal," ses
+I, "one day a feller in a blacksmith's shop made a bet that he could
+make a horse-shoe jest as well as the blacksmith himself, though he
+hadn't never heated an iron nor struck a blow on an anvil. The feller
+sed it didn't require any great gumption to make a horse-shoe. So he
+took a piece of iron an at it he went. He put it in the fire, heated it
+an commenced poundin it, but the more he pounded, the more it didn't
+look like a horse-shoe. He finally gave up the job, an said if he
+couldn't make a horse-shoe he _could_ make a wagon-bolt. So at it he
+went, but the more he pounded an the more he heated his iron, the less
+it grew, an finally he found that he couldn't make even a wagon-bolt.
+Then he declared that he had iron enough left for a horse-shoe nail,
+and that he _would_ make, but upon trying, he found that the most
+difficult job of all. Finally, giving up in despair, ses he, 'Wal, one
+thing I can do enyhow, I can make a _siss_!' an plunging the tongs
+an what was left of the iron in the water, he did get up a very
+respectable 'siss.' Now," ses I, "when he started out, Linkin sed he
+was goin to restore the old Union. That has been given up long ago, and
+now they say they are goin to conquer the Southern States, that is,
+make a despotism, but the war will turn out jest like the horse-shoe
+business. Linkin will, after all, neether make a Union, or a despotism,
+or an Empire by it, but it will end with a great big 'siss.' That's all
+he will accomplish by it, an a dear 'siss' it will be for many a poor
+fellow. A dear 'siss' it will be for the fatherless and the widows, and
+a wonderful dear 'siss' it will be for the people who will have to pay
+the taxes and foot the bill of war." Wen I said this, the Deacon drew a
+long breth, an lookin down on the floor, didn't say enything for some
+minutes. Finally, ses he, "Wal, Majer, will we have to give up the
+Union after all?" Ses I, "I don't see eny necessity for that, providin
+that we kin only stop the war an talk over matters a little. But," ses
+I, "ef the Union is goin to be a Union wherein a white man hasn't the
+right to express his opinions, then I must say I don't love such a
+Union as that, an I'm as strong a Union man as old Ginneral Jackson, an
+that was strong enough. I am for the old Union, but ef the Union is to
+mean despotism, then I'm for breakin it all to smash, as soon as
+possible. Wen a man begins to humbug me by callin things by their wrong
+names to try an deceive me, it allus riles me onaccountably. I ain't a
+very larned man, but I kin generally see through one of these college
+chaps. Wen he talks Union to me, an all the time means despotism, I
+allus feel jest like haulin up my old hickory, an givin him a
+sockdologer. Why," ses I, "Deacon, the feller who wants to turn this
+government into a despotism, an keeps all the time hollerin 'Union,'
+while he is doin it, is not only a traitor, but a hypocrite an coward.
+He is afeerd to speak his rale sentiments, an so goes around tryin to
+deceive the people, jest as the false prophets in the Saviour's time.
+I'm teetotally down on such fellers, an I mean to be to the end of the
+chapter."
+
+I almost forgot to tell you that Insine Stebbins, who went off to the
+war, has jest got hum. He had a recepshun by the military of
+Downingville wen he arriv. Col. Doolittle called out the Downingville
+Insensibles an the Maroon artillery, an all Downingville was in a blaze
+of glory. The Insine has been promoted to be Captin sense he went off,
+for ritin a pome for the contrybands at Port Royal, where the Insine
+was stashioned. The Insine is not a bad poet. But you orter seen the
+turnout in Downingville to receive him. Colonel Doolittle rode down the
+street on old Elder Dusenberry's sorrel mare, an jest as the cannon was
+blazin forth the joyous news of the Captin's arrival on the ground, old
+sorrel's colt, that the elder thought he had locked up safe in the
+stable, come tarein through the street, an fairly mowed a swath rite
+through the women. Such a yellin an screachin ver never heered afore. A
+good many people thought the rebils were comin. Elder Dusenberry's wife
+tore her best silk dress, an the Insine who had primed himself for a
+big speech on the occashin, had it all scart out of him. If it hadn't
+been for that rascally young colt, I think that the celebrashin would
+have been the greatest day Downingville had seen sence the time General
+Jackson visited it. The Insine brings the news from Washington that the
+Kernel thinks some of payin a visit to the North, an maybe to the East,
+afore long. Ef he does, he says he wants me to go along with him to
+help him make speeches and keep off the offis-seekers. Ef he sends for
+me, I spose I shall have to go, though I hate to do it.
+
+Yourn till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XXVI.
+
+_The Democratic Party Whipped--Things as bad as they can be--A Story
+in Point--Mr. Lincoln sends for the Major again--The Major writes him a
+Letter--The Return of "Kernel" Stebbins, formerly "Insine"--His
+Reception at Downingville--"Kernel" Doolittle's Speech--"Kernel"
+Stebbins' Reply--Elder Sniffles' Preaches a Sermon._
+
+
+DOWNINGVILLE, Oct. 26, 1863.
+
+_To the Editers of The Dabook:_
+
+SURS:--'Cause your readers hain't herd from me lately, I 'spose they
+think I'm ded, or gone over to the Abolishinists, which is a tarnal
+sight wus: but I ain't in neither fix. I'm pretty well jest now. The
+hot wether, durin the summer, kinder tried me, but I carry eighty years
+jest about as well as any man ever did. The resin you ain't herd from
+me is jest this: I've been feelin oncommon gloomy and down-sperited all
+summer. Everything seemed to be goin from bad to wus. Linkin wouldn't
+take my advice an cum out agin the Abolitionists, but issued his free
+nigger proclamashun rite agin the law an the Constitushin both. Wal,
+things have gone down hill rapid sence then. The Demmycratic party
+didn't cum out bluntly agin this proclamashin, but kept on supportin
+the war, an the consequence is, it has whipped all round. Politics are
+gettin down to first principles.
+
+Things are jest as bad as they kin be, and that is what encourages me.
+I shall never forget Hezekiah Stebbins, who lived away up in the upper
+part of Penobscot. One winter it had been awful cold weather, and 'Kiah
+had wonderful bad luck, and towards spring it seemed to get worse
+instead of better. He had lost his horse, and his cow, and his
+chickens, and all his pigs but one. Finally, that died, and the next
+day I happened to go up to his house to see how he was gettin along. I
+found the old man happy as a lark. He was singin and shoutin as if
+nothing had happen'd. When I went in, ses I, "'Kiah, what on airth is
+the matter?" "Oh," ses he, "the last pig is ded," and he went to jumpin
+and clappin his hands, as if he was the happiest man in the universe.
+Ses I, "What possesses you to act so?" "Wal," ses he, "things _can't_
+be no wus. The last pig is ded! anything that happens now must be for
+the better." And just so it is with the Dimmycratic party. Anything now
+that happens to it _must_ be for the better. And I must confess that I
+feel a good deal like 'Kiah. I don't feel a bit like settin down and
+cryin like a sick baby over spilt milk, because we've been whipt in the
+late elecshins. That ain't the way the old Ginral Hickory Jackson
+taught me Dimmocracy.
+
+The other day I got a letter from Linkin, askin me to cum on to
+Washinton. He ses he is gettin into a heep of trouble about his next
+messidge, all on account of the diffikilty which Blair an Chase air
+kickin up about what is to be dun with the suthrin States after the
+rebelyon is put down. He ses he wants me to help git up the messidge,
+and kinder fix things up ginrally. I writ back that cold wether was
+cumin on, and my rumatiz would probably trouble me, so I could not tell
+exactly what I would do, but if I could be of any service to my
+country, as long as life lasted, I would do my duty. I wrote him, also,
+about that matter of the southern States, an I told him that it
+reminded me of the old receipt for cooking a rabbit. "_First catch
+your rabbit._" I told him they had not got the southern States yet,
+that they sartainly wouldn't get them this year, an I didn't see any
+great likelihood of gettin them next year. In fact, the times of the
+soldiers were mostly out, an I didn't believe they would ever get
+another sich an army, an if he followed my advice he would get up a
+Peace this winter without fail. I ain't got any answer to this letter,
+but I shall wait for one before I go. If the Kernel talks huffy, I
+won't stir a step, for he knows I allers tell him the plain, blunt
+truth, as I believe it. Wen I can't talk that way to a man, I won't
+have nothing to do with him. The old Ginneral allers wanted everybody
+around him to speak there rale sentiments. Nothing made him so mad as
+to suspect any body of flatterin him, or shaming in any way.
+
+The other day Kernel Stebbins cum hum from the war. The Kernel has been
+down to Morris Island with Ginneral Gilmur. He ses that the sand on
+that island is kinder onaccountable. The Kernel reckons that he has eat
+nigh about a bushel. The Kernel used to be very good on writin poetry,
+but he says all the flatus has oozed out of him, an he don't believe he
+could write a line to save his life. We had a grand recepshin for the
+Kernel on his arrival. The Downingville Insensibles turned out as usual
+on sich occashins. You recollect that the Kernel went off as an Insine,
+an when he was promoted to be Captain he cum hum an we giv him a
+recepshin. Now he is raised to Kernel he cums hum agin. He cums every
+time he gets promoted, to let his old naybors see how he looks in his
+new uniform. I never see the Kernel look so well. He has got a span new
+suit of blue uniform, all covered with gold buttons, an gold lace an
+gold shoulder-straps. I tell you, the people looked astonished, and the
+Downingville folks feel very proud of him. The Kernel expects before
+long to be a Ginneral, and then to be called to the command of the Army
+of the Potomac! Wen the Kernel was received at the Town Hall, Kernel
+Doolittle, who commands the Downingville Insensibles, made the
+recepshin speech. The following is the speech, with the Kernel's reply:
+
+"Kernel Stebbins: I am deputed by the citizens of Downingville to
+welcome you once more to your native town and hum. We have heard of
+your gallant exploits, your glorious bravery, your never-dyin devoshin
+to the Star-Spangled Banner. Comin as you do, covered with the dust and
+blood of the battle-field, we hail you as the friend of the oppressed
+African and the savior of your country."
+
+To which the Kernel replied:
+
+"Kernel Doolittle: I can't begin to express to you the feelins of my
+hart. This occashin is techin. Sojers can't make speeches. I've dun my
+duty. I've seen the cannons roar. I've heard the flash of a thousand
+rifles all at once. There ain't nothin that can equal it for rite down
+tall sublimity. But, feller-citizens, we ought to be most rejoiced now
+because freedom is going it at such big licks. I'me a manifest destiny
+man. I believe freedom is to extend from the frozen planes of Alabama
+to the sunny banks of Newfoundland. There ain't nothin kin stop it. It
+is comin like an avalanche from the eternal hills of Giberalter.
+Freedom! freedom! will resound from creashin come to pullin turnip
+time, an all the hopples that bind the legs of American citizens of
+Afriken 'scent will fall off. Them's my sentiments, and I don't keer
+who knows 'em. The old Union ain't of any more ackount in these 'ere
+times than an iron pot with a hole in the bottom. Wat we want is a new
+Union which will have for its motto the celebrated words of Daniel
+Webster, 'Freedom and niggers--now and forever--one and inspirable.'"
+
+"Amen," yelled out Deacon Jenkins, who had been listenin' attentively,
+as the Kernel sat down, and the hull audience broke out into the most
+tumultuous applause. There is a little mistake in Kernel Doolittle's
+speech, where he speaks of Kernel Stebbins being covered with the dust
+an blood of the battle-field. Now, the truth was, the Kernel, with his
+new uniform, looked as if he had jest cum out of a band-box, but Kernel
+Doolittle had his speech writ out, an he couldn't alter it. Kernel
+Stebbins got on such high hosses, that he talked about seeing the
+boomin' of cannon an hearin' the flash of guns, but the truth was, he
+didn't know exactly what he said an the people were so carried away
+with havin' a live Kernel among them, that they didn't notice it. There
+ain't been nothin' talked of in Downingville sence the Kernel's return,
+except his recepshin. Elder Sniffles preached a sarmon on it, takin'
+for his text "There shall be wars an rumors of wars," an provin from
+the Bible that war is the duty of all real, genuine Christians. So, you
+see, there ain't a more loyal place in the country, unless it be
+Washinton, where all the office-holders an contractors live. But I must
+close. I did't expect to write you but a few lines this time. If I go
+to Washington, I will let you into the secrete of the Blair and Chase
+rumpus, an keep you posted up ginerally on things behind the curtin."
+
+Yours, till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XXVII.
+
+_The Major Starts for Washington--Takes his Axe with him--Mr. Lincoln
+glad to see him--The Cabinet in Session--The opinion of Seward, Chase,
+Stanton and others--The Major called on for an opinion--The Story of
+Old Sam Odum--Mr. Stanton gets Excited._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Nov. 6, 1863.
+
+_To the Editers of The Dabook:_
+
+The very next day after I writ you my last letter, I got one from
+Linkin, tellin me I must cum on without fail. He said he was in a peck
+of trubbil about his messige--that Chase an Seward were pullin rite in
+contrary direcshins, an what to do he didn't know. So I jest packed up
+my things, took my pipe in my mouth an my old hickery in my hand, and
+started. I strapped my axe on the outside of my trunk, for this is the
+only weepin, besides my hickory cane, that I ever carry. Goin down to
+the cars I met Deacon Jenkins, who went on to Washinton, you recollect,
+to make the Kernel's sojer clothes, an ses he, "Majer, what are you
+takin your axe with you to Washinton for?" "Wal," ses I, "Deacon, I
+expect I shall get awful, tarin mad with them Abolitionists this winter
+in Washinton, an ther ain't eny way that I kin work off a fit of that
+kind except by goin out to the wood-house an choppin wood. So I
+determined to take along my axe. It is one the old Ginneral used when
+he got mad, an I have always preserved it to remember him, ef nothin
+else."
+
+I got to Washinton all safe, an went direct to the White House. The
+feller who tends the door didn't know me at first; but when he saw my
+hickery he began to open his eyes, I tell you. Ses he, "You are Majer
+Downing, I believe," bowin like and scrapen his feet, as ef he thought
+I keered for that. Ses I, "Yes, I'm Majer Jack Downing, an you jest
+tell the President, about as quick as time will let you, that I'm
+here." So he run up-stairs, an I went after him, stoppin in the room
+where the offis-seekers have to wait, to take a good look down the
+Potomack to see ef things looked nateral. I hadn't stood there more
+than a minit when who should cum up behind me but Linkin himself. He
+caught rite hold of my hand, an ses he, "Majer, how are you? I'm
+tickled to deth to see you;" an he kept shaken my hand as ef he thought
+it was made of lether. Ses I, "Kernel, do you want me to help write
+your messige?" Ses he, "Of course I do, Majer." "Wal, then," ses I,
+"please don't shake that hand eny more, for you've pretty nigh mashed
+it now." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, I couldn't help it, for it seems as ef
+Providence sent you jest in the nick of time." Ses I, "How is that?"
+"Wal," ses he, "the Cabynet is in session, an I've just finished tellin
+them one of Artemus Ward's best stories, an got 'em all into a good
+humor. The messige is the very thing they met to discuss, an you're cum
+rite in the nick of time," hittin me, as he spoke, a slap on the back
+that made the cold chills run over me.
+
+Nothin would do but I must go in and hear the discusshin. So I walked
+in as large as life. I knew 'em all, an they all knew me. They
+pretended to be rale glad to see me, perticularly Stantin; but he
+needn't try to deceeve me, for under them spectacles of his I see a
+pair of hyena eyes. I tell you that that man will bear watchin.
+However, I sed nothin; but after the how-do-doos were over, I laid my
+old hickery on the table, took out my pipe, an went to smokin. The
+Kernel then called the meetin to order, an sed he wanted a short
+ackount of each department, so he could fix up his messige, an he also
+wanted the opinion of each one as to what he thought ought to be done
+with the southern States after the rebellyon is crushed. Fust, he
+called upon Seward.
+
+Wal, Seward said that furrin affairs were all rite; that he had offered
+to carry out the policy of England all over the country, an set up a
+monarchy, ef necessary, to put down the Dimmycrats, an that upon his
+faithfully promising to do this, the British Government at once seized
+the rebil rams. That as for the southern States, he thought the best
+thing that could be done with them, for the good of the country an the
+grate cause of humanity, was to turn 'em all into one big plantation an
+make Thurlow Weed Chief Manager.
+
+Then Chase spoke. He sed the finances were in a flourishing condishin.
+He now had five hundred printin presses to work makin money; that the
+debt warn't only $5,000,000,000,000; that every body was gettin rich,
+an that the way to treat the southern States an save the country was
+just this: Issue a Proclamashin that only jest enough cotton should be
+raised for him to print greenbacks on, an then he could control the
+currency in spite of all the copperhead gold speculaters in creashin.
+
+Stantin sed that his department was all right. That he had got rid of
+all the copperhed ginrals, and had left the track clear for the next
+President to be a genuine Abelishinist. That all that was necessary now
+was to keep the war up till after the next Presidential elecshin, and
+he thought he could do it. As for the southern States, he was for givin
+the niggers the plantations and makin the whites their slaves.
+
+Then old grandfather Welles got up, strokin his long white beard. He
+sed that nothin could save the nashin but gunboats; that he was buildin
+one a day now, except on the Sabbath, which he piously devoted to
+prayin an fastin, and to dividin the contracks among his relashins. He
+thought the South ought to be surrounded with a wall of gunboats from
+Texas to Maryland.
+
+The next one that spoke was Blair. He said he hadn't stopped a single
+paper durin' the hull year, an he was only sorry that he ever did; that
+he had only given the papers he stopped more circulashin than they ever
+had before; that no one would ever catch him into another such a
+scrape. As for the southern States, he was down on all the Radikels. He
+sed they might be allowed to cum back jest as they wanted to.
+
+When it cum Daddy Bates' turn, he was fast asleep. When Linkin told him
+what he wanted, he sed it warn't for him to say what should be done
+with the Southern States. After it was decided what to do with 'em, he
+supposed they would want a legal opinion on the subject, an he could
+give one on either side, he did'nt care which.
+
+After they had all got thru, Linkin turned to me, an ses he, "Majer,
+what do you think about this matter?" I knocked the ashes out of my
+pipe, and ses I, "Wal, I don't like to give an opinion on the jump, for
+I hain't had time yet to see exactly how the land lays here; but," ses
+I, "as near as I understand it, all these men here are tryin to catch
+the South first, and then what to do with her afterwards is another
+question. Now, the South seems to be a good deal like old Sam Odum, up
+in Maine, when he thought the devil was after him. One night he got to
+dreaming, and jumped out of bed in his shirt, and ran like all
+possessed down the street. About a half a dozen neighbors chased him
+until he run up a tree, out of which they couldn't get him anyhow. He
+kept a screaming "the devils are after me," and would fite like a tiger
+if any one tried to get at him. Finally, old Deacon Peabody cum along,
+and ses he, "Sam thinks you fellers are the devils that are goin to
+ruin him; you jist go away and let him alone, and Sam will be hum and
+in bed afore morning." They tuk his advice, and sure enough, so it was."
+
+When I sed this, Stantin, who is quick as a flash, jumped up, an ses
+he, "Majer, do you mean to say that we are devils tryin to catch the
+South?" an he walked rite close up to my face, jest as if he thought he
+could bully me down. Ses I, "Mr. Secketery, if you will stand back
+about six inches, you kin see an hear jest as well." He stepped back a
+little, an I picked up my old hickery, an ses I, "Stantin, do you
+recollect the time down to Fort Munroe when you tried to get on the
+President's trowsers?" I never see a feller wilt so as when I sed this.
+He turned all sorts of colors, an wriggled as if he had a pin stickin
+in him. "Now," ses I, "I didn't say that you were devils, or anything
+of the sort, but it seems putty certain that Mr. Stantin feels the shoe
+pinchin. At all events," ses I, "you ain't caught the South yet, an
+consultin what you will do with her before that is like countin
+chickens before they are hatched."
+
+The Kernel then sed that the session was closed, an after they all axed
+me to cum an see 'em, except Stantin, they went away. I think my story
+about Sam Odum sot putty strong on 'em, an ef they feel like takin it
+to hum let 'em do so, for my rale rite down solemn opinion is, ef these
+ere Abolishin Cabynet were to stop trying to catch the South, _she
+would be hum an in the Union bed afore mornin_.
+
+Yourn, till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XXVIII.
+
+_The Major and the "Kernel" at work on the Message--The Major visits
+Mr. Chase again--Sees the Machines for Printing Greenbacks--A Machine
+for every General--The accounts mixed up--Mr. Lincoln gets Flighty
+over them--The Major Puts him to bed, and applies a mustard-plaster--He
+Revives, and proposes a Conundrum--The Major also proposes one._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Nov. 19th, 1863.
+
+_To the Editers of The Dabook:_
+
+SURS:--If I ain't been bizzy sence I writ you last, then never a man
+was. Besides, I've had a considerabul twinge of my old inemy, the
+rheumatiz. This ere Washington atmosfere is terribul on the
+constitushin. The Kernel, too, was nigh about down sick one day; but we
+both tuk a good, old-fashioned wiskey-sling, of the very best Old Rye,
+and went to bed on it. The next mornin we both felt fust rate. The
+Kernel keeps as good wiskey as I ever got enywhere. We have been very
+hard at work on the messige, and such a time as we have had of it you
+never did see. Stantin don't know how meny sojers he has got in the
+field, nor how meny have been killed or wounded. Grandfather Welles
+can't tell how meny gunbotes he's got, an as for Chase, he don't
+purtend to even guess for a certainty how many greenbacks there are
+aflote, or how big the public debt is. The Kernel sed he couldn't even
+lay the foundashin timbers of his messige until he had some figgers
+about the debt to begin on. So I told him I would go over an see Chase
+an have a talk with him. I tuk my slate under my arm an started. Soon
+as I went in Chase tuk me by the hand an sed he was rale down rite glad
+to see me. I telled him what I wanted, an he sed he would soon have it
+reddy for me, but jest then he asked me to go up-stairs an see the
+macheenery an printin presses, and so on, that he had got to make
+money. He sed the worst of it was that the machenes was constantly
+gettin out of order, and he wanted to know if I understood anything
+about sich affairs. I telled him there warnt nothing, from
+squirrel-traps to dog-churns and thrashing macheenes, that I didn't
+know from stem to starn. Then he sed I was jest the chap he wanted. So
+I went with him, and I was perfectly thunderstruck when I saw all the
+riggin, and fixins, and belts, and shafts, and pulleys, and machenes
+all a runnin and whizzin and buzzin, as fast as they could go. Ses the
+Secketary, "This here macheen runs to pay off Gineral Grant's troops.
+This one runs to pay off Gineral Meade's troops. This one runs for
+Gineral Banks. This one is now bizzy for Gineral Burnside, and here is
+this ere one completely broken down. It is Gineral Gilmore's macheen!"
+"Wal," ses I, "Mr. Secketary, do you have a macheen for every Gineral
+and every army?" "Yes," ses he, "about that." "Wal," ses I, "what do
+you do about the contracters?" "Oh," ses he, "I ain't showed you them
+yet. That's in another room." Ses he, "Come along with me." So I
+follered, and we went off into another room. It was nigh about ten
+times as big as the first one, and there were hundreds of presses
+runnin' as fast as they could go. "There," ses he, "if these here
+machenes were to stop one day, it would set all Wall street into a
+panic. Sometimes, when the belts give out or the bolts break, or the
+coal gits short, or paper don't git in in time, there is a good deal of
+troubil, but I've got it so fixed now that I keep 'em putty well
+supplied." Ses I, "Mr. Secketary, who is your engineer?" "Wal," ses he,
+"he's a good trusty man." "But," ses I, "suppose he should bust your
+bilers, what would Wall street do then?" "Wal," ses he, "I never
+thought of that, but I guess there ain't eny danger." "Wal," ses I,
+"steam is mighty onsartin. Old Aunt Keziah Wiggleton, up in Maine, used
+to say that the only safe way to run a steamboat was to take the bilers
+out, and my opinion is, that a government run by steam will bust up one
+of these days." Chase didn't seem to like this last remark much, but he
+didn't say enything. We cum down stairs putty soon after, and a feller
+with a brown linen coat on, nigh about all over ink, brought a hull lot
+of papers covered over with figgers, and sed that Mr. Linkin could find
+out all he wanted to from them. I looked 'em over, but I couldn't make
+hed nor tail to them. "Wal," ses I, "perhaps a chap who understands
+dubble and twisted entry book-keepin' can onderstand this ere
+figgering, but I'll be hanged if I kin." Ses I, "Here's seven thirtys,
+and five twentys, and six per cents, and five per cents, and bonds and
+stocks and sartificates, and '68s, and '78s, and '96s, and 158s, and
+Lord knows how many more 8s, until it gets all mixed up so that you
+can't tell enything more about the debt than Stantin kin tell how
+sojers has been killed and wounded. Now," ses I, "the people don't care
+a straw enything about your six twentys, or your five twentys. All they
+want to know is jest how much money this ere war has cost, and that is
+what I'me tryin' to figger out for em. When old Ginneral Jackson wanted
+me to go into Squire's Biddle's Bank and cifer out how matters stood I
+soon did it, but that warn't eny more comparin to this here affair,
+than the bunch of elder bushes in Deacon Jenkins's meadow is to the
+Dismal Swamp. I tuk the papers, however, over to Linkin, for it was the
+best I could do. Wen I handed them to the Kernel, ses he, "Majer, does
+Chase expect me to survive after studyin out these figgers?" "Wal," ses
+I, "Kernel, I don't know, but _I think Chase wants to be next President_."
+
+The Kernel tuk the hint rite off; but he sed Chase would never be
+President, for he wanted to be so bad that he acted all the time as if
+a bumble bee was stingin him, and that his flyin round so would kill
+him off, if nothin else. We then both sot down and went to studyin the
+figgers. I cifered with my slate, and the Kernel made chalk marks on
+his hat every time we got up to a million of dollars. Purty soon the
+Kernel's eyes began to look wild, and ses he, "Majer, where do we land
+next? Is she hedin up stream or side-ways? She'll go down, sure as
+thunder. Well, let her rip; she's been a sinkin consarn for years." I
+see at once that the Kernel was flighty. Chase's figgers had turned his
+hed, and he thought he was flat-botin agin on the Mississippi river.
+But he kept on ravin. Ses he, "Majer, knock that nigger off the bow of
+the bote; he's rite in the way of the pilot." Ses I, "Kernel, it ain't
+safe to hit a nigger in these days; Stanton will put me in Fort La
+Fayette." I thought this might bring the Kernel to his senses, but it
+didn't. Ses he, "There it goes, Majer, jest as I told you, rite on that
+snag. That nigger is to blame for the hull of it." I see it was no use,
+that the Kernel was nigh about stark mad, and so I said to him, ses I,
+"Let's put up this work to-night, an go to bed." He didn't want to, but
+I dragged him off, an he kept ravin' all the time, "That nigger has
+ruined me! There he comes--he is after me yet!"
+
+As soon as I got the Kernel in bed, I put a double set of mustard
+plasters on his feet, an then gave him a strong dose of my old remedy,
+elder-bark tea. I knew that would cure him, if anything on arth. Purty
+soon the sweat began to start, and the gripin in the bowels began. Jest
+as soon as this took place, it drawed all the disease out of his head,
+an the next mornin he was as bright as new dimes used to be when there
+was sich things.
+
+The fust thing the Kernel sed to me in the mornin was, ses he, "Majer,
+I hed an awful dream last nite." Ses I, "What was it?" "Wal," ses he,
+"I dreamt that the nigger had destroyed the Union." "Wal," ses I,
+"Kernel, you git nearer the truth in your dreams than you ginrally do
+when you are wide awake. If you will only have another dream, you will
+see the Abolishinists have killed the Union, and that the poor nigger
+is only the means that they have used to do it."
+
+The Kernel didn't say nothin, but looked down on the floor an whistled.
+Finally, he tuk out of his pocket one of Chase's new fifty-cent
+shinplasters, an ses he, "Majer, kin you tell me why this new currency
+has the _odor_ of nashinality about it?" "No," ses I, "Kernel, I don't
+see it." "Wal," ses he, "because it is _cented_ paper!" "Wal," ses I,
+"Kernel, now kin you tell me why that fifty-cent shinplaster is like
+the war?" Ses he, "Majer, you've got me there." "Wal," ses I, "the face
+is black, which means that we are fightin to free the nigger, and the
+back is red--for the blood--the price we are payin for it!"
+
+When I sed this the Kernel brought his hand down on the tabil like all
+possessed, giv a kick with his foot that sent his slipper flyin clear
+across the room, an ses he, "Majer, by the ----." Ses I, "Kernel, hold
+on. Do you want to take any more elder-bark tea?" When I sed this he
+tapered rite down, an ses he, jest as good as pie, "Let's have some old
+rye and make frends."
+
+So I didn't object, but the messige ain't finished yet, and the Lord
+only knows when it will be dun.
+
+Yourn till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XXIX.
+
+_The Trouble about the Message--Chase and Seward Find Fault with
+it--The Story of Old Deacon Grimes' Oven--Mr. Lincoln Overrun with
+Visitors--The Major Suggests a Way to Get Rid of Them--The Small Pox
+Dodge--The Message Finished--Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story._
+
+
+WASHINGTON, Dec. 10, 1863.
+
+_To the Editers of The Dabook:_
+
+SURS:--Wen I writ you last, the Messige warn't finished. Wal, sich a
+time as we had in finishin that docyment you never did see. The Kernel
+an I set up all nite long three or fore nites, but it was nigh about
+onpossibul to get it to suit him. He would get it fixed, an then Seward
+would cum in an say it was too bold. Then Chase he'd cum in an say it
+warn't bold enuf; and finally I telled him to make it as old Deacon
+Grimes did his oven. He wanted to know how that was. Wal, I telled him
+it was this way: The Deacon built an oven facin to the North, wen one
+of his nabors cum along an sed that would never do, as the North wind
+would blow rite into the mouth of the oven. So the old man turned it
+around, an put the face to the South. Pretty soon another nabor cum
+along, an ses he, "Deacon, it will never do to have that oven face the
+South, for there ain't any wind so blustering as the South wind." So
+the Deacon turned it around to the West. Pretty soon a man cum along,
+an ses he, "Deacon, don't you know that the worst showers and
+hurry-canes we have always cum from the West? It will never do to face
+your oven that way." So the Deacon determined to change it around to
+the East. He hadn't more than got it dun, before another nabur cum
+along, an ses he, "Why, Deacon Grimes, I'm perfectly astonished to see
+you buildin an oven an facin it to the East. There ain't any wind so
+sarchin and penetratin as the East wind, an it will blow your fire all
+out of the oven." "Wal," ses the old Deacon, perfectly discurriged,
+"I'll suit you all; I'll build my oven on a pivot, an wen you cum along
+you kin turn it around jest as you want it." "Now," ses I, "Kernel,
+that's the way to fix your Messige." Ses he, "That is a fact; the only
+trubbil is to fix on a pivot on which it kin turn." "Wal," ses I, "that
+is the easiest thing in the world. Take the nigger for the pivot, an it
+will suit every man in your party. The only difference between 'em is,
+that some don't like to look hin square in the face. That sort kin turn
+your Messige around a little, an then they will see the nigger
+side-ways; and those that can't stand that kin turn it clear around, an
+then they will see the nigger in the back, but it will be nigger all
+the time!" The Kernel sed it was a capital idee, an he ment to carry it
+out. It got noised around that the Kernel was comin out with some big
+thing in his Messige, an every Congressman, wen he got to Washinton,
+run rite to the White House to give the Kernel advice. They nigh about
+run him to deth. "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, make believe you're sick."
+"Sho," ses he, "that won't do a bit of good. I've tried it often, an
+they bore me wus than ever." "Wal," ses I, "tell 'em you've got the
+scarlet fever, an that will scare 'em away." The Kernel sed it was a
+fust-rate idee, an so it was announced in all the papers that the
+President had the scarlet fever; but it didn't do much good. Sum staid
+away, but the crowd yet was tremenjus. "Now," ses I, "Kernel, this is
+too bad; here it is almost time for Congress to meet, and no Messige
+dun yet. Jest let the reporters announce that you've got the small-pox,
+an there won't be a mother's son of 'em cum within gunshot of you. Then
+you kin fix your Messige, put in that patent pivot, and grease things
+up generally, so they'll run another year without teching." The Kernel
+sed there was no other way than to do it. When it got out that the
+Kernel had the small-pox, you never see sech a calm. The White House
+was nigh about deserted, an it seemed like a Sunday up in Maine. The
+Kernel then set rite down to his Messige, an worked like a beever. He
+sed he could allers soon put a thing in shape after the foundashin
+timbers were laid. And so he did. Wen he got it finished, he called
+Seward and red it to him. He sed it was capital. Then he sent for
+Chase, an he sed it was all rite. "No," ses I, "Kernel, send for a War
+Dimmycrat, an see how he'll like it." Wen I sed this, the Kernel laffed
+rite out. Ses he, "Majer, you're jokin; I know you are." Ses he, "The
+War Dimmycrats remind we of a story about bar-huntin out West. Old Josh
+Muggin had a young dog wich was very fierce for bars. So one day he tuk
+him along in a hunt. In the very first fite the bar bit the dog's tail
+off, and away he run yelpin an barkin like mad, an Josh could never get
+his dog to fite bars after that. Now, it is jest so with the War
+Dimmycrats. They were very fierce to fite me if I issued my
+Emancipashin Proclamashin, but I did it, an by so doin, _I cut their
+tails off_, and they have never showed any fite agin me sence, an they
+won't. No--I rally wish I hadn't eny more trubbil on hand than the War
+Dimmycrats will give me."
+
+Ses I, "Kernel, I think you are rather hard on the War Dimmycrats. They
+supported you because they thought you was tryin to restore the Union;
+but now, wen they read your messige and see that you won't have the
+Union back enyhow, they will say you deceived 'em, and you may find 'em
+the most trubbelsum customers you've yet had to deal with. They ment to
+sustain the government, but now wen they see that _you_ won't sustain
+it, they may turn on you wus than the copperheds have;" and ses I,
+"Kernel, you jist get the Dimmycrat's united, and I shudn't wonder if
+they wud be after this, and then let all your Miss-Nancy Abolishinists
+look out, for there won't be as much left of em as there was of Bill
+Peeler's dog after his panther fite." Ses the Kernel, ses he, "How much
+was that?" "Wal," ses I, "Bill always sed there warn't nothin left but
+the collar he hed round his neck, and the tip eend of his tale, about
+an inch long." "Wal," ses the Kernel, "I've got to go ahed, no matter
+who don't like it, or who gits licked in the fite. I'me in the
+Abolishin bote, and you can't stop it now eny more than you kin put
+Lake Superior in a quart bottle." Ses I, "Go ahed, Kernel; I allers
+like to see a man bold and strong on his own principles. There's nothin
+like pluck. Let everybody know jist what you mean, and then if they
+support you it is their own fault." "Wal," ses he, "ain't I plain enuf
+this time?" "Yes," ses I, "Kernel, all but the amnesty part--that's
+kinder petty-fogy." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, men that can't see a hole
+through a ladder ought to be humbugged." Ses I, "Mebby that's so, but
+we shall all know more about who is humbugged and who isn't, after the
+war is over."
+
+But I never did see people so tickled over the Messige as the
+Republikins all are. They say it is jest the thing--that it is goin to
+wipe out slavery, and prevent the "Union as it was" ever being
+restored; and then it is dun so cutely that a good menny people won't
+see through it. That amnesty dodge throws dust in their eyes, and
+kinder sounds generous like.
+
+There's a great fite coming off among the Abolishinists about who's to
+be run for next President, and I think I'll hev some news for you afore
+long. Enyhow, I shall keep my eyes open as ushil.
+
+Yourn, till deth,
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+LETTER XXX.
+
+_The Major visits Parson Blair--The Loyal Leagues of the White
+House--A Wonderful Dream--The Grave of the Union--The President Don't
+Like It--About Leather--How the Capital Looks._
+
+
+WASHINTON, Jan. 30, 1864.
+
+_To the Editers of The Dabook:_
+
+SURS:--I spose your readers think I'm dead, or mebby they
+think I've run away with a pile of greenbacks, as that is kinder
+fashionabul now-a-days; but I aint in neithur fix. The rale truth is
+that after I writ you my last letter I got completely disgusted and cum
+mitey nigh goin back hum to Downingville, and vowin I would never
+return to this sink of sin agin. But the Kernel got at me and begged I
+wouldn't think of it. I telled him I couldn't stay in the White House
+over New Years, and see the knaves and fools that would be there then.
+So jest before Christmas, as good luck happened, old Fathur Blair axed
+me to go down to his place at Silvur Springs and stay ovur the
+hollidays. I tell you I was rale glad, fur the old man has got a fine
+place, and I could have it so quiet and cozy there aftur my hard work
+ovur the message. When I got there I was tuk down with the rumatiz, and
+had to keep my room for more than two weeks. Howevur, the Kernel sent
+me some prime old rye, and that, together with some operdildock that
+old Aunt Keziah Wiggleton sent to me by my nefu Zeke put me on my pins
+agin. Old Father Blair and I had long talks about Ginneral Jackson and
+the Kernel, the war, niggers, the next presidency, and so on. My old
+friend Blair was a grate man in Ginneral Jackson's time, but the
+trubbel with him now is that he don't move along with the world. He
+actually thinks that he is yet fitin Calhoun, an havin got in the bote
+with the Abolishenists, he don't know how to get out. Last week I cum
+back to see the Kernel, and have been looking around for a few days to
+see how the land lay. I find that the principel idee in everybody's hed
+is, who's to be the next President. But I tell you when I look at the
+condishun of the country, it makes me sick to talk about a President.
+What is the use of a President when there's a standin army? What is the
+use of a President when the ballot-box aint of half so much account as
+the cartridge-box? The first day I got back to the White House there
+was a lot of Loyel Legers and shoddy contractors cum to tell the Kernel
+that they had nominated him for President. After they went out Linkin
+ses to me, ses he, "Majer, what do you think of them fellows?" "Wal,"
+ses I, "they look to me mean enough to steal niggers." The Kernel did
+not say anything, but looked kinder cross-eyed at me. The Kernel and I
+then had a long talk about matters and things, and after taking a good
+swig of old rye, went to bed. That nite I had a wonderful dream. The
+next mornin, when I went in the room where the Kernel was, ses he,
+"Majer, you look oncommon serious this mornin; what's the matter?"
+"Wal," ses I, "I had a wonderful dream last nite, that eenamost
+frightened me to deth." "Wal," ses he, "what on earth was it?" "Wal,"
+ses I, "if I tell you the hull of it jest as it appeared to me, you
+musn't get mad." "Oh," ses the Kernel, "I don't keer nothin about
+dreams, for I allers interpret them by contraries." "Wal," ses I, "you
+can cypher out the meanin of it yourself to suit yourself, but I'll
+tell it to you jest as it appeared to me, and it seemed to me as plain
+as if it was broad daylight." "Wal," ses I, "I thought I was in the
+grave-yard, and there was a great big grave dug, large enough to hold
+four or five coffins, and while I was standing there wonderin what on
+earth the grave was for, I saw a big black hearse comin, and Stantin
+was driving it. That kinder startled me; but I looked agin, and I see
+it was bein drawn by them War Dimmycrats, Dickinson, Butler, Meagher,
+Cochrane, and the hearse itself was marked 'War Dimmycracy.' When
+Stantin druv up to the grave, ses he, 'My jack-=asses had a heavy load,
+but they pulled it through bravely,' for the poor War Dimmycrats had
+heads of men on the bodies of mules. I wondered what on airth could be
+in the hearse, for it seemed to be heavily loaded. Right behind the
+hearse, walkin along, were you and Sumner, and Greeley, and Chase, and
+Beecher, and old Grandfather Welles. Pretty soon you all went to work
+takin out the coffins, and gettin ready to put them in the grave. The
+first one tuk out was marked 'habeas corpus,' the second one 'trial by
+jury,' then 'the Union,' and then 'the Constitution.' When they were
+all out on the ground, some dispute riz as to which should be buried
+first, but Greeley cut it short by sayin, 'put the Constitution under,
+and all else follows.' So Greeley got the rope under one end of the
+coffin and Sumner under the other, and begun to let it down. While it
+was goin down, you looked kinder anxious at Chase, and ses you, 'Chase,
+think it will stay down?' And old Greenbacks, ses he, 'My God, Kernel,
+it must stay _down_, or we will all go _up_.' Greeley was tickled
+eenamost to death, and ses he, 'We shall bury it now so that it shall
+never be heerd of agin.' Old Grandfather Welles, however, seemed half
+frightened to deth, and trembled like a sick dog, and ses, 'Oh! that it
+was all over.' Sumner was wrathy at this, and ses he, 'Shut up, you old
+fool; wait until it is all under.' And there, too, stood Beecher, with
+a nigger baby in his arms, lookin up to heaven and prayin all the
+while, as follows: 'Oh! Lord, not thy will but _mine_ be done.'
+Finally, all the coffins were put in the grave and covered up. I
+wondered where Seward could be all this time, and lookin up, there he
+was, flyin through the air with wings, and tails, and horns, lookin for
+all the world like an evil spirit, and ses he, 'If 'twere done, when it
+is done,' just as if he was afraid that a day of resurrection was
+comin. I tell you, it made me feel sorrowful and sad when I saw the old
+Constitution and the Union put under the ground, out of sight, and when
+I woke up, my eyes were full of tears, and I felt more like cryin than
+I have sence I was born."
+
+[Illustration: The Majer's Wonderful Dream. The Grave of the
+Union.--Page 250.]
+
+After I got thru, ses I, "Kernel, what do you think of my dream?" He
+looked down on the floor, and then looked up, then he looked down agin
+and then he looked up. I see he was kinder worried, so I said nothin.
+Finally, he kicked his slipper off, and ses he, "Majer, do you know
+what good lether is?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I used to know something
+about lether." "Wal," ses he, "what do you think of the lether in that
+slipper. Is it good?" "Yes," ses I, "I think it's pretty good." "Wal,"
+ses he, "what kind is it?" Ses I, "It's calf-skin." "Wal," ses he, "kin
+you tell me whether the calf _was a heifer or a steer_?" "No," ses
+I, "I can't." "Wal," ses he, "I'm in jist the same fix about your
+dream. It is a good dream, but I can't tell whether it's a heifer or a
+steer. But I ruther reckon it's a _steer_!"
+
+"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, you may think that my dream don't amount to
+anythin, but there are thousands of people who will see in it the fate
+of their country."
+
+He didn't seem disposed to talk about it, however, and I let it drop.
+Since then I've been over to the Capitol once or twice, and looked
+around Washington a leetle. I never see such a change in a place since
+I was born. It's dirtier, nastier, and meaner lookin than ever. In
+fact, it is just like the country, all goin to ruin. If the devil is
+ever happy, I think he would be nigh about tickled to deth now-a-days.
+I guess everything is goin on to suit him to a fracshin. I kin tell you
+one thing. There is goin to be a bigger fite between Linkin and Chase
+for President than most pepil suppose. So look out for the musick ahed.
+I shall keep a watch on all the doins, and write you when the rumatiz,
+like the greenback market, aint too stringent.
+
+MAJER JACK DOWNING.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Letters of Major Jack Downing, of the
+Downingville Militia, by Seba Smith
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