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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, From Pillar to Post, by John Kendrick Bangs,
+Illustrated by Jno. R. Neill
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: From Pillar to Post
+       Leaves from a Lecturer's Note-Book
+
+
+Author: John Kendrick Bangs
+
+
+
+Release Date: May 3, 2011  [eBook #36026]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROM PILLAR TO POST***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Steve Read, Suzanne Shell, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made
+available by Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries
+(http://www.archive.org/details/toronto)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
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+      See 36026-h.htm or 36026-h.zip:
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+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/36026/36026-h.zip)
+
+
+      Images of the original pages are available through
+      Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries. See
+      http://www.archive.org/details/frompillartopost00banguoft
+
+
+
+
+
+FROM PILLAR TO POST
+
+
+[Illustration: "I shall have to borrow some of your manly
+courage to carry me through."]
+
+
+FROM PILLAR TO POST
+
+Leaves from a Lecturer's Note-Book
+
+by
+
+JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
+
+Author of "The House-Boat on the Styx," etc.
+
+With Illustrations by Jno. R. Neill
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+New York
+The Century Co.
+1916
+
+Copyright, 1916, by
+The Century Co.
+
+Copyright, 1915, by
+Associated Sunday Magazines Incorporated
+
+Published, March, 1916
+
+
+
+    TO
+    THAT WISE COUNSELLOR
+    AND STERLING FRIEND
+    J. HENRY HARPER
+
+
+
+
+PREFATORY NOTE
+
+
+I could not let these random notes of a delightful experience go forth
+into the world without expressing in some way my deep appreciation of
+the valued services rendered me in my ten years of platform work by my
+friends of the Lyceum Bureaus. In office and in the field they have
+labored strenuously, often affectionately, and always loyally, on my
+behalf. But for their interest some of the most cherished experiences of
+my life would have been beyond my reach. If sometimes in their zeal to
+keep me busy they have booked me in Winnipeg on Monday night, in New
+Orleans on Tuesday night, with little side-trips to San Diego,
+California, and Presque Isle, Maine, on Wednesday and Thursday, not to
+mention grand finales at Omaha and Key West on Friday and Saturday, I
+view that sequence rather as a tribute to my agility than as a matter to
+be unduly captious about. It is a manifestation of a confidence in my
+powers to overcome the limitations of time and space that I think upon
+with an expanding head, if not with a swelling heart, and whether this
+required annihilation of distance has been wholly agreeable or not it
+has enabled me to see more of my own country than I otherwise could have
+seen, and to that extent, I hope, has made a better American of me.
+
+Wherefore before beginning our ramble from Pillar to Post I record here
+in testimony of my gratitude to them the names of Arthur C. Coit, and
+Louis J. Alber, of the Coit Lyceum Bureau of Cleveland, Ohio; of Frank
+A. Morgan, of the Mutual Lyceum Bureau, of Chicago; of Kenneth M. White,
+of the White Entertainment Bureau of Boston; of S. Russell Bridges, of
+the Alkahest Lyceum System of Atlanta, Georgia; of J. B. Pond, Jr., and
+that tried friend both in the Lyceum field and out of it, William C.
+Glass, of the J. B. Pond Lyceum Bureau of New York.
+
+Thanks are due to the publishers of _Every Week_ for courtesies
+extended, and finally I desire to inscribe a word of affectionate esteem
+for my friends, J. Thomson Willing, and that inspiring editorial guide
+and mentor, William A. Taylor, of the Associated Sunday Magazines, under
+whose genial direction these papers were first presented to the public.
+
+                                                JOHN KENDRICK BANGS.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+                                       PAGE
+    I      GETTING USED TO IT             3
+    II     SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY          23
+    III    GETTING THE LEVEL             40
+    IV     THE GOOD SAMARITAN            61
+    V      A VAGRANT POET                83
+    VI     BACK-HANDED COMPLIMENTS       98
+    VII    FRIENDS OF THE ROAD          116
+    VIII   CHAIRMEN I HAVE MET          134
+    IX     CHANCE ACQUAINTANCES         155
+    X      HUMORS OF THE ROAD           175
+    XI     MINE HOST                    196
+    XII    PERILS OF THE PLATFORM       220
+    XIII   EMBARRASSING MOMENTS         243
+    XIV    "SLINGS AND ARROWS"          266
+    XV     EMERGENCIES                  290
+    XVI    A PIONEER MANAGER            318
+
+
+
+
+LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+
+                                                                  PAGE
+  "I shall have to borrow some of your manly courage
+  to carry me through"                                  _Frontispiece_
+
+  "It was indeed a pretty sight to me!"                             21
+
+  "Yes, and you are fifty years behind us in every other respect!"  28
+
+  I knew that I had met a "Southern Gentleman"                      31
+
+  "The consciously superior person cannot last long on the lecture
+  platform"                                                         43
+
+  "If there's anything you want to know about Darwin's Origin of
+  Species, you ask me!"                                             60
+
+  "I cannot say that his first remark was wholly cordial"           70
+
+  "I'm an Ohio man, and I'll cash the check for you on your looks"  79
+
+  In the last stages of poverty                                     85
+
+  "Suffering Centipedes!" he cried. "That man must have been
+  brought up on the bottle!"                                        93
+
+  "The lecturer must deliver the goods!"                           100
+
+  "They may 'go to sleep in his face'"                             103
+
+  "I have been after 'em, suh; but it ain't no use"                122
+
+  "These men on the engines are great characters"                  130
+
+  "Pile it on so thick that the lecturer has to struggle hard
+  to make good"                                                    136
+
+  "The last I saw of my kindly host"                               145
+
+  "When he got through I could have qualified for a college degree
+  on the subject of straw hats"                                    162
+
+  "She ast me was you so very comical," said he                    171
+
+  "If yo're dealin' in brains, hit ain't likely yo' got enough
+  to gib any away"                                                 185
+
+  "A Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Locomotives would
+  have had them indicted then and there"                           191
+
+  "If it were possible to sweep a room clean with a welcoming
+  wave of the hand--"                                              199
+
+  "Cannot sleep comfortably between the sheets of William James's
+  pragmatic philosophy, dry as they are"                           202
+
+  "If he had shifted his chewing gum to the other side, we should
+  have plunged into the river"                                     227
+
+  "Laughter where tears would have been more appropriate"          239
+
+  "I found the building wholly dark"                               247
+
+  "But what was the point of this little joke last night?"         264
+
+  "My grinning countenance stared back at me unflinchingly"        276
+
+  "I was the sudden recipient of a blow on top of my head"         283
+
+  "A craving to settle lingering doubts as to my right
+  to be there"                                                     298
+
+
+
+
+FROM PILLAR TO POST
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+GETTING USED TO IT
+
+
+"I cannot imagine a more disagreeable way of qualifying for the income
+tax," said one of America's most noted after-dinner speakers to me when
+at a chance meeting he and I were discussing the joys and woes of the
+lecture platform. I must admit that in a way I sympathized with him; for
+I knew something of the sufferings endured for days and nights prior to
+one's own public appearance as an after-dinner or platform speaker.
+
+There was a time many years ago, upon which I look back with wonder that
+I ever came through it without nervous prostration, when I suffered
+those selfsame mental agonies as the hour approached for the fulfilment
+of one of those rash promises which men fond of the sound of their own
+voices make months in advance to those subtle flatterers who would lure
+them from the easy solitudes of silence into the uneasy limelight of
+after-dinner oratory. Not without reason has a certain wit, whose name
+is unfortunately lost to fame, referred to the chairs behind the guest
+table on the raised platform at revelries of this nature as "The Seats
+of the Mighty and Miserable."
+
+These sufferings involve a loss of appetite for days in advance of the
+event; a complete derangement of the nervous system, with no chance of
+recovery for at least ten days preceding the emergent hour, since sleep
+either refuses to come to one's relief altogether, or coming brings in
+its train a species of nerve-racking dream which leaves the last estate
+of the weary slumberer worse than the first. The complication is far
+more difficult to handle than that involved in the maturity of a
+promissory note which one is unable to meet; for there are conditions
+under which a tender-hearted creditor will permit a renewal of the
+latter sort of obligation, and this thought provides some sort of rift
+in the cloud of a debtor's despair.
+
+But in the matter of public speaking there is no such comforting
+possibility. Nothing short of inglorious flight, painful accident, or
+serious illness, can save the signer of that promissory note for
+twenty-five hundred personally conducted after-dinner words from being
+called upon to pay in full the moment the note falls due. He can't even
+plead to be permitted the payment of one paragraph on account, and the
+balance in thirty days.
+
+The contract can neither be evaded, postponed, nor sublet. It is then or
+never with him, and while no great harm would come to the world if
+ninety-nine and seven-eighths per cent. of the after-dinner speeches of
+the ages had gone unspoken, no man of the right, forward-looking,
+upstanding sort, whether his speeches be good, bad, or, like the most of
+them, merely indifferent, may wilfully or comfortably permit a promise
+of that nature to go to protest.
+
+Yes, I sympathized with that excellent gentleman. I have known him to
+take to his bed three days before the ordeal, tremblingly approach the
+banquet board, rise to his feet, his nerves taut as a G string, his
+knees quaking in the merciful seclusion of the regions under the table,
+and then, with hardly a glimmering of consciousness of what he was doing
+or saying, his whole being thrilled with terror, acquit himself
+brilliantly, to return home at the conclusion of his trial physically
+and nervously prostrated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One of the happiest recollections of my platform work, nevertheless, had
+to do with just such a shivering, quivering condition. It was many years
+ago--back in the mid-'90's of the last century, that so-called crazy
+end-of-the-century period, which inspired Max Nordau's depressing
+treatise on Degeneracy, and yet now seems so gloriously sane in contrast
+to what is going on in the world at the present time.
+
+In some mysterious fashion I had succeeded in writing what the literary
+world is pleased to term a "best seller," and was in consequence
+enjoying a taste of that notoriety which inexperienced youth so often
+confounds with immortality. One result was a tolerably persistent demand
+that I exhibit myself at one of those then popular functions known as
+Authors' Readings. This was a form of entertainment almost as
+barbarically cruel as those ancient ceremonies in which Christian
+martyrs were thrown into an arena to demonstrate their powers in
+combatting irritated tigers, and such other blood-thirsty beasts of the
+jungle as the ingenious fancy of the management might suggest. It was,
+in a manner of speaking, a sort of Literary Hagenbeck Show, whither the
+curious among the readers of the day were lured in sweet Charity's name
+by the promise of a personal performance by real literary lions, with an
+occasional wild goose or two wearing temporarily the gorgeous plumage of
+the Birds of Parnassus, thrown in to make the program longer.
+
+Invited to take part in one of these affairs, and feeling that for
+posterity's sake it was my duty to rivet my firm grasp upon Fame by
+keeping such company as my remotest great-grandchild could wish to have
+me known by, I carelessly accepted as if it were easy to comply, and all
+in the day's work of a new sun dawning upon the horizon of letters.
+
+But when the fateful evening arrived a "change came o'er the spirit of
+my dream." Two dread situations arose which bade fair to drive me either
+into the nearest sanatorium, or to the obscurity of the deepest
+available jungle. Had I yielded to my immediate impulse, I should have
+flown as far afield as the Virginia negro who, upon being advised to
+leave town lest he suffer certain extreme penalties for his misdeeds,
+replied that he was "gwine, an' gwine so fur it'll cost nine dollars to
+send a postal card back."
+
+On one side of the curtain at the great metropolitan hall where the
+Readings were to be held sat nearly three thousand hungry readers,
+waiting to see six unhappy authors prove whether or no they could read
+their own productions and survive; and on the other side of the curtain
+were five real Immortals and my sorely agitated self. My fellow
+sufferers that night were Dr. Silas Weir Mitchell, Dr. Henry Van Dyke,
+William Dean Howells, the lamented Frank R. Stockton, and the ever
+unforgettable Mrs. Julia Ward Howe.
+
+It was rather godlike company for a mere mortal like myself, and as I
+gazed upon them I realized, perhaps for the first time, the magnificent
+distances that lie between Yonkers-on-Hudson and Parnassus-by-Helicon.
+Frozen from heel to toe by the thought of having to appear before so
+vast and critical an audience, the complete refrigeration of my nervous
+system was accomplished by the thought of even temporary association
+with those fixed stars in the firmament of American Letters. Instead of
+a burning torch on the heights of Olympus, I felt myself more of a
+possible cinder in the public eye. One might be willing to appear before
+a Court of Literary Justice in the company of any one of them, but to
+assume equality with five such household words all at once, and
+especially before an audience many of whose members had from time
+immemorial known me as "Johnny"--well, to speak with frankness, it got
+on my nerves.
+
+My condition was like that foreshadowed by a good old neighbor of mine
+up on the coast of Maine, who when I asked him one morning if he ever
+felt nervous when the thunder was roaring, and the lightning was
+striking viciously, replied, "No, I hain't never felt nervous: _I'm jest
+plain dam skeert to death!_" If the exits from the stage had not been
+guarded, I should have fled; but there was no escape, and while I
+awaited my turn to go out upon the platform I paced the back of the
+stage, concealed from the public gaze by a drop scene, shaking from head
+to foot with a nervous chill. I can scarcely even now bring myself to
+believe that there was a seismograph anywhere between the northern and
+southern poles so callous as to fail to register my vibrations.
+
+It became evident as the moment approached that I should be utterly
+unable to go out upon the platform and do anything but dance: not after
+the graceful manner of Mr. and Mrs. Vernon Castle, but of Saint Vitus
+himself. To have held a book, even so light a one as my own, in my
+shaking hand would have been physically impossible, and then, just as I
+was about to seek out the chairman of the committee of arrangements, and
+plead a sudden stroke of some sort, I felt a womanly arm thrust through
+my own, and a soft white hand was laid gently and soothingly upon my
+wrist. I glanced to my side, and there stood Mrs. Julia Ward Howe, her
+lovely eyes full of sympathy, touched with a joyous reassuring twinkle.
+
+"Oh, Mr. Bangs," said she, with a slight catch and tremor in her voice,
+"do you know I am so nervous about going out before all those people
+to-night that I really believe I shall have to borrow some of your manly
+courage and strength to carry me through!"
+
+A marvelous transformation of nervous attitude was the immediate result,
+a determination to rush to the aid of a lady flying a signal of distress
+summoning all my latent courage to her cause. A realization of the
+lovely tactfulness of her approach and its true significance, and the
+prompt response of my sense of humor, not yet quite dead, to the exact
+facts of the situation, made a man of me for the time being--a man who
+would dare the undarable, attempt the unattainable, and if need be, as
+the eloquent African preacher once observed, "onscrew the onscrutable."
+Nervousness, cowardice, muscular vibrations, and all disappeared like
+the mists of the night before the radiance of the dawn in the face of
+that gracious woman's tactful humor, and later on I went forth to my
+doom so brazenly, and smiling so confidently, that one critic in the
+next morning's newspaper intimated without much subtlety of phrasing
+that I enjoyed myself far more than my audience did.
+
+It would be too much to say that Mrs. Howe's timely intervention on my
+behalf effected a permanent cure of my nervousness in platform work; but
+it has helped me much to overcome it; for many a time since, when
+through sheer weariness, or for some purely psychological reason, I have
+approached my work with uneasy forebodings, the memory of that
+delightful incident has come back to me, and I have invariably found
+relief from my fears in the smile which it never fails to bring to my
+lips, and to my spirit as well.
+
+I do not know that it would be a good thing for any public speaker ever
+to approach the emergent hour with entire assurance and utterly
+calloused nerves. Such a condition might well bespeak an indifference to
+the work in hand which would result either in a purely mechanical
+delivery, or one so careless as to destroy the effect of the lecturer's
+most valuable asset--a sympathetic personality. I recall far back in my
+college days, in the early '80's of the last century, meeting at one of
+my fraternity conventions that inspiring publicist, the late Senator
+Frye of Maine. In the course of a pleasant chat, having myself to appear
+before the convention with a committee report the following morning, and
+feeling a trifle uncertain as to how I was going to "come through," I
+asked the senator if he was ever a victim to nervousness when making a
+public address, and his answer was very suggestive.
+
+"Always, my lad," said he, "always! I have been making public speeches
+off and on now for twenty-five or thirty years, and even to-day when I
+rise up to speak in the United States Senate, or on the stump, my knees
+shake a little under me. And I'm glad they do, Son," he went on
+significantly; "for if they didn't, I should begin to feel that the days
+of my usefulness were over, for it would mean that I really didn't care
+whether I got through safely or not."
+
+So it was that up to a certain point I sympathized with my friend the
+distinguished after-dinner speaker when he intimated that the lecture
+platform was no bed of roses. For one of his nervous organization and
+temperament it would be impossible. It would make a nervous wreck of him
+in a short while, and in the end would shorten his life, even as it has
+shortened the span of many another robust spirit; such as the late
+Alfred Tennyson Dickens, for instance, who in very truth succumbed to
+the exactions of travel and of a lovely hospitality that he knew not how
+to resist.
+
+But for myself there is so much in the work that is inspiring, so much
+that is pleasing in the human relationships it makes possible, that but
+for the discomforts of travel I could really feed upon it spiritually,
+and seek no happier diet. I defy any man to be a pessimist on the
+subject of American character after a season or two on the lecture
+platform; provided of course that he is a reasonably sympathetic man,
+and is so constituted in matters social that he is what the politicians
+call a "good mixer."
+
+To the man who is not interested in the human animal, and insists upon
+judging all men by his own rigid and narrow standards, measuring souls
+by a yardstick, as it were, the work can never be a joy; but if he is
+broad enough to take people as he finds them, looking for the good that
+lies inherent in every human being, and judging them by the measure of
+their capacity to become what they were designed to be, and are honestly
+trying to be, then he will find it full of a living and a loving
+interest almost equal to that of the "joy forever."
+
+Pasted in my spiritual hat is a little rime by one whose name modesty
+forbids my mentioning, running:
+
+    I can't be what Shakespeare was,
+    I can't do what great folks does;
+    But, by Ginger, I can be
+                ME!
+    And among the folks that love me
+    Nothin' more's expected of me.
+
+The wandering platform speaker who will heed the intimations of that
+little rime, and seize the friendships in kind that surely await his
+coming in all parts of this great, genial country of ours, will find a
+wondrous store of happiness ready to his hand. If in addition to this he
+will cultivate the habit of looking for good in unpromising places, and
+of resolutely refusing to admit the power of small irritations to
+destroy his peace of mind, he will get along nicely. The latter of
+course requires resolution of a kind that is persistent in the face of
+unremitting annoyances. To say that these annoyances do not exist would
+be idle; but not half so idle as the act of giving them controlling
+importance in the making or the unmaking of a day's happiness.
+
+The sooner one who travels the Platform Path learns to suspend judgment
+as to his fellow beings, and to suspect the fallacy of the obvious, the
+better it will be for him, and for his personal comfort. The first
+conspicuous lesson I had in this particular was out in Arizona on my
+first extended tour in our wonderful West in 1906. I found myself one
+afternoon on my way from Los Angeles to Phoenix. After having satisfied
+the inner man with an excellent Fred Harvey luncheon--an edible oasis
+always in a desert of indigestibility--I had retired to the smoking car
+for that spiritual refreshment which comes from watching the smoke
+wreaths curl upward from the end of a good cigar.
+
+Unhappily for the quality of that refreshment, I was no sooner seated in
+the smoking room that I perceived that I was surrounded by men who,
+judging by surface indications, were hopeless vulgarians. Among them
+were three especially whose conversation was even lower than their
+brows. I think I can best describe their conversation by saying that in
+all probability Boccaccio's lady companions out Fiesole way, at the time
+of the plague that drove the Florentine Four Hundred beyond the city
+limits, would have fled blushingly before it, taking refuge by
+preference in the pure, undefiled Rolloisms of the Decameron itself;
+while poor old Rabelais, not always a master of reticence in things
+better left unsaid, would, I am sure, have joined a literary branch of
+the I. W. W. in sheer rebellion, rather than sully the refinement of his
+pen by taking down any part of it.
+
+One has to listen to a great deal of this sort of thing en route, and
+pending the discovery of some kind of vocal silencer that shall render
+such communications as noiseless as they are corrupting to good manners,
+or a portable muffler which the unwilling listener may place over his
+ears, the wandering platform performer who has not yet reached a point
+where he can give up his cigar and be happy must needs endure them.
+Indeed he is doing well if he is not lured into a shamefaced enjoyment
+of such talk; for it must be admitted that some of the traveling
+companions one meets thus by chance have rare powers as story-tellers,
+and pour forth at times most objectionable periods with a smiling
+enthusiasm almost fetching enough to tempt a Simeon Stylites down from
+the top of his pillar into the lower regions of their alluring good
+fellowship.
+
+Neither a prig nor a prude am I; but on this particular occasion the
+gross results of the conversation were so very gross as to preclude the
+possibility of there being any "net proceeds" of value, and I fled.
+
+On returning to my place in the sleeper I noticed in the section
+directly across the aisle a handsome Englishwoman, traveling with no
+other companion than a little daughter, a child of about three and a
+half years of happy, bubbling youth. The little one was seated on her
+mother's lap, and was enjoying a "let's pretend" drive across country,
+using the maternal lorgnette chain in lieu of the ribbons wherewith to
+guide her imaginary steeds.
+
+An hour passed, when a boisterous laugh from the rear of the car
+indicated the approach of the three barbarians of the smoker, who to my
+disgust a moment later settled themselves in the section directly in
+front of mine, and to my dismay began apparently to take a greater
+interest in the lady across the aisle than the ordinary usages of polite
+human intercourse warranted, lacking a formal introduction.
+
+I have never posed as a Squire of Dames, and I have a wholesome distaste
+for such troubles as an unseeing eye enables a man to avoid; but the
+intrusion of these Goths, not to say Vandals, upon the lady's right to
+travel unmolested was so obvious that I couldn't help seeing and
+inwardly resenting it. The woman herself treated the situation with
+becoming coolness and dignity, showing only by a slight change of color,
+and now and then a vexed biting of the lips, that she noticed it at
+all; but the cooler she became the more strenuous became the efforts of
+the barbarians to "scrape an acquaintance."
+
+I held an inward debate with myself as to my duty in the premises. I did
+not care to get into a row; but the ogling soon became so pronounced
+that it really seemed necessary to interfere. I reached out my hand to
+ring for such reinforcements as the porter and the conductor might be
+able to bring to our assistance, when to my astonishment the worst
+offender of the three rose from his seat, and stepped quickly to the
+lady's side--and then there was revealed to me the marvelous wisdom of
+the old injunction, "Judge not, that ye be not judged"; for the supposed
+ruffian, whom I would a moment before have willingly, and with seeming
+justification, thrown bodily from the train, with the manner of a
+Chesterfield in the rough lifted his hat and spoke.
+
+"You will excuse me for speaking to you, ma'am," he said, and there was
+a wistful smile on his lips and a tenderness in his eye worthy of a
+seemingly better cause, "but I'm--I'm what they call a drummer, a
+traveling man, and I've been away from home for three months. I've got
+a little girl of my own at home about the same age as this kid of yours,
+and I tell you, ma'am, you'd ease off an awful case of homesickness if
+you'd let me play with the little lady just for a few minutes."
+
+The mother's heart seemed to go right out to him, as did mine also. She
+smiled graciously, and handed over her little daughter to the tender
+mercies of that group whose presence I had fled only a short while
+before--and for the rest of the afternoon that Pullman sleeper was
+transformed into a particularly bright and joyous nursery that echoed
+and reëchoed to the merry laughter of happy childhood.
+
+If there is an animal of any kind in the zoos of commerce that those men
+did not impersonate during the next two or three hours I do not know its
+name, the especially objectionable barbarian transforming himself
+instantly on demand into an elephant, a yak, a roaring lion, a tiger, or
+a leopard changing its spots as actively as a flea, and all with a
+graceful facility that Proteus himself might well have envied. And
+later, when night fell, and weariness came with it, in the dusk of the
+twilight it was indeed a pretty sight to me, and a sight that smote
+somewhat upon my conscience for my over-ready contempt of the earlier
+afternoon, when my gaze fell upon the figure of an exhausted drummer,
+his eyes half-closed, sleepily humming a tender lullaby to a tired
+little golden-haired stranger who lay cuddled up in his arms, fast
+asleep, with her head upon his breast.
+
+[Illustration: "It was indeed a pretty sight to me!"]
+
+I like to think that that little incident was a valuable contribution
+to my education in the science of brotherhood. It has not perhaps
+produced in my soul a larger tolerance of the intolerable in casual
+conversation, but it has served to warn me against the dangers of snap
+judgments, and has certainly broadened my sympathies in respect to my
+fellow man in my chance meetings with him upon the highways and byways
+of life, whence sometimes, in the loneliness of my wanderings, I have
+gathered much comfort, and reaped harvests in friendliness which
+otherwise I might have lost.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY
+
+
+In traveling about the country, and especially in the South, I have been
+impressed with the wisdom of the character in Owen Wister's delightful
+story of "The Virginian," who when another man applied an unspeakable
+name to him leveled a revolver in the speaker's face, and said, "When
+you call me that, say it with a smile!" (I quote from memory.) A moment
+on the road is made cheerful or difficult by the manner in which things
+are said, and the wanderer's homesickness is either relieved or deepened
+by the manner of a chance remark, which brings cheer if it be smiling,
+and a deeper sense of loneliness if it be otherwise.
+
+Throughout the South I have never felt quite so far away from home as in
+some parts of New England less than a hundred miles from my own
+rooftree, and I think that this is due largely to the positive effort on
+the part of the average Southern man or woman to maintain the
+traditional courtesy and hospitality of the South toward the stranger
+within its gates. It is only semi-occasionally that one finds in some
+sour-natured relic of other days any other attitude than that of smiling
+welcome, and even with the thermometer ranging close to the zero mark I
+have learned why the Southland is in spirit anyhow the "Land of Roses."
+
+It must be admitted, however, that when the departure from the attitude
+of cordiality is made it is done thoroughly, and with a sort of reckless
+truculence which the wary traveler will be wise to ascribe solely to its
+individual source.
+
+In the winter and spring of 1913 there was a great deal of work cut out
+for me in the Southern territory, and during my travels there, which
+involved the crossing and recrossing of every State in the section
+except Kentucky, from the Atlantic coast to the Mexican border, I
+encountered much in the way of human experience that is delightful to
+remember, and very little that I would rather forget. It was upon this
+trip that two incidents occurred which showed very clearly the
+difference between a cutting retort smilingly administered and that
+other kind of peculiarly rasping repartee, born of a soured nature that
+has confirmed its acid qualities by pickling itself in a mixture of
+equal parts of gloomy self-sympathy over fancied wrongs, and--well, not
+grape juice.
+
+There is a kind of tonic dispensed in certain of our prohibition States
+by licensed drugstores and carried by suffering patients in small black
+bottles, secreted in their hip pockets, like deadly weapons--which
+indeed they are (whence, possibly, we get the term "hipped" as
+descriptive of the ailment of the sufferer)--which does not exactly
+mellow the disposition of the consumer, whatever glow it may impart to
+his countenance.
+
+One morning I found myself on my way from Natchitoches, in Louisiana, a
+lovely survival of a picturesque old French trading post, a perfect home
+of roses, both human and floral, which will ever remain a garden spot in
+my memory, to Shreveport. It was in the middle of May, and the whole
+country was a delight to the eye, with its lovely greens and lush spring
+coloring. I was returning from a lecture before the State Normal School,
+and while sitting in the smoking car enjoying my weed was introduced to
+a gentleman (I use the word carelessly, and without positive
+conviction) whom everybody had been calling "Judge." I am glad to say
+that I did not catch his last name. I do not even know whether or not he
+was really a judge, or, if he were, what he was a judge of. He reminded
+me more of the judges I have read of in fictional humor than any I have
+ever seen on the bench, and from his general attitude toward his fellows
+on the train I gained a tolerably clean-cut impression that he tried his
+"cases" in solitary state, rather than in that more open fashion which
+is such a bad example to the young, and productive of that ruinously
+extravagant disease known as "treating." I may be doing the man an
+injustice, but I am none the less trying to sketch him as I saw him. He
+had the manner and manners of the solitary reveler, and the generally
+"oily," but not suave, quality of his makeup confirmed my impression
+that any love of temperance he might manifest was purely academic, or,
+as one of our leading statesmen might put it, "largely psychological."
+Desirous of starting things along pleasantly after my introduction to
+the judge, I remarked upon the marvelous beauty of the country.
+
+"Everything is beautifully green about here," I said. "It is a positive
+pleasure to look out on those lovely fields."
+
+"Glad you like 'em," said the judge, helping himself to a generous
+mouthful of tobacco.
+
+"Well, you see," said I, "I come from Maine, Judge, and I am
+particularly fond of the spring, and we don't get ours until late. I
+guess," I added, "that in respect to that we are about a month and a
+half behind you people down here."
+
+"Yes," said he explosively, "_and, by God! you are fifty years behind us
+in every other respect!_"
+
+It was a kindly and tactful remark, and I was duly edified. If he had
+said it smilingly, I should have been happier, and would have been
+inclined to enter upon a half-hour of jovial banter on the subject of
+the respective merits of our several States; but there was a truculent
+self-confidence about his honor's "atmosphere" that foreshadowed little
+in the way of a satisfactory issue had I ventured to carry the
+discussion further. I simply withdrew within myself, like a turtle,
+finished my cigar in silence, and returned to my seat in the chair car,
+convinced that in whatever line of action the judge was really an
+expert--law, history, economics, or what-not--he at least knew how to
+put a cork in a bottle, and jam it in so tight that nothing could get
+out of it--I being the bottle.
+
+[Illustration: "Yes, and you are fifty years behind us in every other
+respect!"]
+
+As I sat for the rest of my journey in that chair car my mind reverted
+to another incident that had occurred two months earlier. The inviting
+causes were similar; but the party of the second part was a very
+different sort of individual. The judge was said to be prosperous, the
+owner of many acres of fertile sugar land, and had, or so I was
+informed, a professional income of fifteen thousand dollars a year. One
+would think he could have afforded to be genial under such conditions.
+The other was a man bent and broken under the stress of his years and
+his trials, coming home, after a lifetime of failure, to pass his
+remaining days, manifestly few in number, amid the scenes of his youth.
+What few locks were left him were gray, and he limped painfully when he
+walked. He had served on the Confederate side during the war, and still
+carried with him the evidences of sacrifice.
+
+I met him on the railway platform at a little junction town in Southern
+Tennessee. I was en route to a small college town in Upper Mississippi.
+We had had a long and tedious wait upon the fast decaying station
+platform, hoping almost against hope that at least day before
+yesterday's train would come along and pick us up, whatever might be the
+fate of the special combination of wheezy engine and spring-halted cars
+due that morning. As I nervously paced the dragging hours away I noticed
+this old fellow limping anxiously about, making over and over again of
+everybody he met the same inquiry as to the probable arrival or
+non-arrival of our train; and now and then he would hobble with
+difficulty over to a small soap box, with a slatted top, which stood
+just outside the baggage room, in which there was imprisoned a poor,
+shivering, and I fancy hungry, little fox terrier, whining to be let
+out.
+
+"Never mind, Bobby," the old man would whisper through the slatted top
+of the box. "'Taint gwine to be much longer now. We'll be home soon."
+
+The kindly attitude of the old man toward the unhappy little animal
+touched me more deeply than his own poverty-stricken condition, and so,
+yielding to a friendly impulse, I stood by him for a moment and spoke to
+him.
+
+"It's a long wait," said I.
+
+"Oh, well," he said cheerfully, straightening himself up stiffly, "it's
+so near the end I ain't complainin'. I been waitin' fohty yeahs for
+this, Brother."
+
+"Forty years?" I repeated.
+
+"Yes, suh," he replied, "fohty long yeahs, suh. I ain't been home since
+the end o' the wah, suh. An' now I'm comin' back, an' I reckon after I
+git thar thar ain't a gwine to be but one mo' journey, suh, befo' I'm
+through."
+
+[Illustration: I knew that I had met a "Southern Gentleman."]
+
+"You mean--" I began.
+
+"I'm comin' home to die, suh," he said. "Not that I'm a gwine to be in
+any hurry to do it," he added, with a winning smile, "but I'm tiahed o'
+wanderin', an' what's left o' my time hyah, suh, 'll pass mo' pleasantly
+back among the old scenes."
+
+I endeavored to cover up my emotions by offering the old man a cigar.
+
+"I thank you, suh," he said, taking it. "I'm very fond of a good
+seegyar, though I don't git 'em any too often, suh. Are you a Tennessee
+man, suh?"
+
+"No," said I. "I come from Maine. That's a good way from here."
+
+And then it came. The old fellow gave a great chuckle, and reached out
+his hand and seized me by mine.
+
+"I want to shake your hand, suh," he said with rare cordiality. "_The
+last time I see a Maine man, suh, was durin' the wah, an' I was chasin'
+him with a gun. He was a darned good runner; but I ketched him, an' I'm
+glad I did, fo' he was a dam sight better feller than he was a runner!_"
+
+I must confess that when later in the day I saw the old gentleman get
+off the train in the midst of a welcoming multitude of old friends, with
+his battered old suitcase in one hand, and the slatted soap box
+containing the yelping Bobby in the other--all his earthly
+possessions--I was glad to feel that he had come "home"; and as he waved
+a feeble but courteous adieu to me from the platform as the train drew
+out I knew that I had met a Southern gentleman of a peculiarly true and
+lovable sort.
+
+One finds much in these little jaunts in the Southland to appeal to
+one's sense of humor; but after all there is much more that appeals to
+one's sympathies. I had the pleasure of riding once in Louisiana on a
+train in company with an old Confederate soldier, who made me as
+completely his prisoner in the shackles of affectionate regard as he
+might, because of his powerful build, have made me a prisoner in fact
+had we met face to face on the field of battle. He was a man of
+convictions; but he was always so thoroughly the honest-hearted
+gentleman in presenting his points of view that, although we differed
+radically upon almost every matter of present political interest, I
+found for the moment, anyhow, a sweet reasonableness in his principles.
+His manner was so calm, and gracious, and transparently sincere, that I
+found him wholly captivating.
+
+His chance remark that he hoped to attend the great Confederate reunion
+shortly to be held at Chattanooga, or Chattanoogy, as he called it
+(there is always a soft, caressing accent in the real Southerner's
+discourse that changes a mere word or name into a term of endearment),
+naturally brought up a reference to the great conflict, and I took a
+certain amount of human pleasure out of the old man's present content
+with the general situation, as shown in the naïve statement with which
+he began to talk on the subject.
+
+"You know, suh," said he, "I feel pretty well satisfied with the way
+things turned out, even though at the time, suh, I didn't want 'em to
+turn out just that a-way."
+
+"We are undoubtedly stronger as a nation to-day than if it had turned
+out differently," I ventured.
+
+"Yes, suh," he said. "If we'd got away, suh, it wouldn't ha' been long
+befo' the principle o' the right o' secession havin' been established,
+we'd all ha' been secedin' from each othah, suh; and after the States
+had done all the secedin' they could the parishes would ha' begun
+secedin' from the States; an' the towns would ha' seceded from the
+parishes--until the whole damn country would ha' landed in Mexico!"
+
+"I never thought of it in that light before," I smiled; "but I guess
+you're right."
+
+"An' that ain't all, neither, suh," he went on. "I'd ha' felt a great
+sight worse about it if we'd been licked, suh. If we'd been licked in
+that great fight, suh, I don't think I'd evah have got ovah it, suh."
+
+I maintained a discreet silence; for I could not but feel that I was on
+the verge of a great philosophical discovery.
+
+"When a fellah's licked, suh," the old man went on, "he just natcherly
+kain't help feelin' sore, suh; _but if he's merely ovahpowahed, suh--why
+that's very different_."
+
+There may be minds to which that distinction is too subtle to be either
+obvious or convincing; but the more I have thought it over since the
+more has it seemed to me to involve a profound philosophy which would
+make the world happier were it more widely accepted by those suffering
+from reverses of fortune. To me there was a whole sermon in that brief
+utterance, and the difference between being "licked" and being "merely
+overpowered" has been one out of which I have derived no end of comfort
+myself in hours of difficulty. To be whipped is one thing; to be merely
+overcome is indeed another!
+
+Nor was the old man's kindly feeling concerning the God of Things as
+They Are, as expressed in words, mere lip service; for in the course of
+our morning's chat other things developed which I am glad enough to put
+upon record for Northern eyes.
+
+"I wish," said he, "that you might stay ovah hyah at my home a day or
+two, suh, and let me take you to one of our Post meetin's, suh. We'd
+make you more than welcome."
+
+"Yank though I be, eh?" I laughed.
+
+"Yes, indeed, suh," he replied. "We ain't got anything against you on
+that score, suh. My first meetin' with Yanks in a not strictly fightin'
+capacity was once when a half a dozen of 'em took me prisoner. I found
+myself surrounded by 'em one day durin' the wah when I was doin' picket
+duty, and the way they run me in was a caution, suh. They bein' six to
+one, I just let on that I was satisfied if they was."
+
+"And what did they do to you?" I asked.
+
+"They near killed me, suh, with seegyars, and mo' real food than I'd
+seen in six months," he said with a chuckle. "The' wasn't anything they
+had, from plug tobacker and seegyars up to a real meat dinner that I
+didn't git mo' 'n my faiah share of."
+
+"And how long did they keep you?" I queried.
+
+"Fo' as long as I was willin' to stay, suh," was his reply. "The minute
+they see I was beginnin' to feel oneasy they run me back to the line
+again, and turned me loose. Speakin' about Yanks," he went on, "we've
+got five of 'em buried in our own Confederate graveyard in the cemetery,
+suh; and I'm kind of afraid it won't be long befo' they's six of 'em.
+One of yo' old soldiers from up No'th come down here fo' his health last
+year; but he's gone down steadily, and I reckon it ain't for long that
+he'll be with us. When we heard he was an old soldier our Post sent him
+to the hospital, and he's dyin' there now. He seemed to feel so bad
+about the idee o' bein' buried in the Potter's Field that we voted to
+give him a grave with the rest of the boys, and when he goes he'll lie
+with soldiers, like he's allers wanted to do."
+
+I could not find any words in the languages known to me, dead or alive,
+to express what I felt, and so I kept silent.
+
+"He won't be forgotten, neither, after he gits there," the old fellow
+went on. "We have our Memorial Day, just as you have your Decoration
+Day, and every year we go up to the lot and decorate the graves of 'em
+all, Yank or Johnny, just the same. We put a little Confederate flag at
+the head of every grave that holds one of our own; and every one o' them
+Yanks has a little flag at the head of his grave too, only his is the
+flag he fought for, just as ours is the flag we fought for. It's a
+pretty sight, my friend," he added softly, "with them five little
+American flags flutterin' away among the sixty or seventy others."
+
+Verily this Southern hospitality is no vain thing, no mere empty show,
+or ingratiating veneer to make a spurious article seem real. Personal
+interest may sometimes rest at the basis of a seeming courtesy.
+Selfishness may lie often at the bottom of a superficial graciousness of
+manner assumed for the moment to conceal that very selfishness; but the
+hospitality that leads a body of old soldiers to grant at their own
+cost, and to take care of with their own loving hands, a green resting
+place, a last sanctuary, for a former foe, that indeed is an unselfish,
+genuine kind of hospitality which, like the peace of God, passeth all
+understanding.
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+GETTING THE LEVEL
+
+
+One of the more serious dangers confronting the platform speaker is the
+presumption that his audience will not prove sufficiently intelligent to
+grasp him when he is at what he thinks is his best. I use the word
+"presumption" advisedly; for it is sheer presumption and nothing else,
+and I may add that if my experience has taught me anything, it is that
+it does not pay to be so presuming. If there is trouble anywhere in
+"getting one's stuff over," as the saying is, the fault will be found in
+ninety-nine cases out of a hundred to be with the lecturer, and not with
+his audience.
+
+My most earnest advice to those platform speakers who feel it necessary
+to "get _down_ to the level" of an audience, instead of feeling an
+inward urge to climb _up_ to it, is that they give up the platform
+altogether, and take up some other occupation where conscious
+superiority really counts; say that of head waiter in a New York
+restaurant, for instance, or possibly that of literary critic on the
+staff of a periodical, whose chief concern is pink socks, lavender
+neckties, and the mysteries of lingerie. In these occupations conscious
+superiority is an essential of success; but on the lecture platform the
+consciously superior person cannot in the very nature of things last
+very long: not in this country, anyhow; for, as I have studied the
+American people face to face for the past ten years in every State of
+the Union, I have learned that their capacity for pricking a bubble of
+pretense on sight is surpassed only by their high appreciation of a
+speaker who immediately gets into the atmosphere of the special occasion
+confronting him.
+
+For my own part, I have come to believe that each occasion establishes
+its own "best," and that the chief duty confronting me is to measure up
+to the "best" demanded by that occasion if I can. For this reason one's
+lecture should be a moderately flexible affair, which can be so adjusted
+to each and every occasion that it fits an audience as nicely as a
+tailor-made garment. A lecture written out beforehand and committed to
+memory can never quite fulfil these requirements. It becomes not a
+lecture, but an essay; not platform work, but literary work; should be
+read, not heard; and in its delivery becomes not a sympathetic talk, man
+to man, but a mere recitation.
+
+No one would be so foolish as to deny, however, that audiences do vary
+materially in their capacity to take in the subtler points of a lecture
+"fired" at them from the platform. I should not think of using the same
+phrases in a talk before a gathering in an East Side settlement house in
+New York that I would use before the ladies of a Browning Club in the
+vicinity of Boston, or before a body of college professors, or vice
+versa. But if I were fortunate enough to be asked to address all three,
+I should endeavor to vary the wording of my discourse according to the
+several needs of each, and base my notion of my "best" upon the demands
+of those particular needs. I confess also that if in one single audience
+all three classes of listeners were represented, I should not hesitate
+to put my thought into the language required by the capacity of the East
+Siders to understand, and be fairly assured of pleasing everybody; for
+it is my observation of the ways of ladies addicted to Browning, and of
+gentlemen of the academic kind, that they are after all very human, and
+enjoy simplicity of discourse quite as much as the other sort.
+
+[Illustration: "The consciously superior person cannot last long on the
+lecture platform."]
+
+There is greater sincerity in "playing to the gallery" than most of the
+critics of that habit dream of, and personally I would rather fall short
+of the expectations of the boxes than fail in the eyes of the gallery,
+where reticence in the expression of critical opinion is not exactly a
+conspicuous virtue. To put it more plainly, I should infinitely prefer
+the humiliation of seeing a highborn lady falling asleep in an orchestra
+chair because of the bromidic quality of my talk, than be reminded of
+the same by flying vegetable matter consigned to me by some dissatisfied
+individual sitting up among the "gods."
+
+An amusing, if somewhat radical, contrast in audiences befell my lot
+several years ago in the brief space of sixteen hours. In that time I
+successively addressed the Harvard Union at Cambridge on a Tuesday
+evening, and the ladies of a Woman's Club in a Boston suburb the
+following morning. The audience at the Union was gathered in the
+wonderfully beautiful auditorium of Memorial Hall, and contained not
+less than twelve hundred particularly live wires, undergraduates mostly,
+almost fresh from the football field, or at least still under the
+influence of its system of expressing approval.
+
+As I mounted the rostrum bedlam broke loose: not necessarily as a
+tribute to myself, but because frenzy is the modern collegiate way of
+making a visitor feel welcome. Thunderous noises never yet classified
+shook the rafters--noises ranging from the hoarse clamor of an excited
+populace at the finish of some great Olympian event, to the somewhat
+uncertain cackle of a freshman voice changing from soprano to bass.
+Pandemonium did not reign: it poured. Not since I visited the London Zoo
+and witnessed there a fight between two caged lions to the excited,
+clamorous interest of all the other beasts imprisoned there, have I
+heard such a variegated din as greeted me on that occasion, and I
+realized sympathetically for the first time perhaps the true
+significance of Theodore Roosevelt's "dee-lighted" smile when as
+President of the United States he took his annual stroll across the
+football field at a Harvard and Yale game, and listened to the "voice of
+the people." So contagious was it that I had all I could do to keep from
+joining in myself and only the necessity of saving my voice for my
+lecture prevented me from being myself heard above the din.
+
+That noise was the keynote of the evening. I think I may say with due
+modesty that my lecture had one or two touches of humor in it--three or
+four, in fact--varying in character from the "scarcely perceptible
+subtle" to the "inevitably obvious," with other sorts sandwiched in
+between, and none of them was lost; although I was not permitted to
+finish many of my sentences. The audience seemed to get in ahead of me
+every time.
+
+The situation reminded me in a way of the grandstand finish of a poor
+paralyzed old darky named Joe, of whom I was once told by a Pullman car
+porter on my way through Montana. Joe had been a famous sportsman in his
+day; but now misfortune had overtaken him, and he lay bedridden, wholly
+unable to use his legs, and awaiting the end. Several of his friends,
+taking pity on him, resolved to give him the joy of one last glorious
+coon hunt.
+
+They put him on a stretcher and carried him out into the country where
+that luscious creature "abounded and abutted." The dogs were let loose,
+and finally showed unusual activity at the base of a tall tree; but, to
+the dismay of all, the game turned out to be no coon, but a particularly
+hungry, sore-headed, old she-bear.
+
+As the roaring beast clambered down after her tormentors, Joe's litter
+bearers, terrified, dropped their burden and made off down the road in
+coward flight, and it was not until an hour after they had reached home
+in safety that they thought of the possible fate of their paralytic
+friend. Conscience-stricken, they resolved to go to Joe's home and
+break the news of their cowardly behavior to the presumable widow. The
+good woman met them at the door.
+
+"What yo' niggahs want round here dis time o' night?" she demanded.
+
+"We come to tell yo' 'bout Joe, Mis' Johnsing," said the embarrassed
+spokesman.
+
+"Yo' kain't tell me nothin' 'bout Joe what Ah don' know a'ready,"
+replied Mrs. Johnson coldly.
+
+"Yas'm; but yo' don' know whar Joe is, Mis' Johnsing," persisted the
+speaker. "We done--"
+
+"Yas, Ah do know whar Joe is," retorted the lady. "He's upstairs in he
+bed."
+
+"In he bed?" echoed the astonished visitors.
+
+"Yass," said Mrs. Johnson. "Joe come in ovah an hour ago hollerin' like
+a bullgine fohty yahds ahead o' de dawgs."
+
+I think I may say without exaggeration that that Harvard Union audience
+even beat Joe's record; for they were twice "fohty yahds ahead o' de
+dawgs" all the way through, and as for "hollerin'" they were not so much
+like one single "bullgine" as like a whole roundhouse full of them,
+aided and abetted by a couple of boiler factories in full blast.
+
+And then, only sixteen hours later, came the address at the Woman's Club
+ten miles out of Boston; the same lecture, in a quiet drawing room,
+before forty ladies who embroidered and crocheted while I talked, and
+here the point that had raised the roof and shaken the foundations of
+the Harvard Union was greeted by the _tapping of a thimble against the
+wooden frame of an embroidery hoop_!
+
+I cannot say which of the two varieties of approval pleased me more; but
+I will say that no idea of talking "up" or "down" to my audience
+occurred to me on either occasion: it was rather a matter of "getting
+across."
+
+One never can tell save by the "feel" of things in the hour of action
+how they are going to turn out. Only this last season I found myself,
+through a misapprehension of the character of my engagement, standing
+before an audience in a New England amusement park on a Sunday
+afternoon. I will say frankly that if I had known that I was to be a
+sideshow to a Ferris Wheel and a scenic railway, with pink lemonade on
+tap everywhere, and "all for ten cents," I should not have accepted the
+engagement. While I have admired them at a respectful distance, I have
+never envied the wild man of Borneo or the bearded lady their
+opportunities for personal enrichment; but on this occasion in some way
+or other I had gained an impression that my date had been arranged by,
+and was to be under the auspices of, a combination of church interests,
+designed to offset the evils of Sunday afternoon idleness in a
+manufacturing town. It was a misunderstanding, however, that I now
+rejoice in; for, amusement park or not, sideshow or main ring, I found
+it an enjoyable and educating experience.
+
+I approached it in fear and trembling, especially when I noticed as I
+was awaiting my "turn" the vast quantities of chewing gum that were
+being sold to my audience by the inevitable boy with the basket. There
+is always something disconcerting to a public speaker in the constant,
+simultaneous, and automatic movement of other jaws than his own, and in
+the face of a collective jaw, made up of sixteen hundred lowers that
+chewed as one, I feared that mine, singly and alone, would find the odds
+against it overpowering. Strange to say, however, my real fear on this
+occasion was not on the score of my audience, but whether I should be
+able to acquit myself creditably before them. I have fondly hoped that
+my little talk contained a message, and as I observed these seekers
+after pleasure slowly gathering, and taking their places on tiers of
+pine benches under the kindly shade of a row of noble pines, it occurred
+to me that if there was any fruitful soil for my message anywhere it was
+in the hearts of just such people as sat before me--toilers, the humbler
+folk, the men and women whose lives had been too busy with
+bread-and-butter problems for the acquirement of culture, and whose sole
+opportunity for amusement, uplifting or otherwise, came on these very
+Sunday afternoons.
+
+There were men and boys there who under other conditions might have been
+idling on street corners. I counted three Chinese, several Japanese, and
+a half-dozen Negroes in my audience. A dozen women had their babies with
+them, and many a small kiddie, too young to chew gum without exposure to
+the peril of swallowing it, nibbled and absorbed ginger cookies as I
+watched them. The question became _not_ were they good enough for me,
+but could I convince them that I was good enough for them. It was not a
+question of "getting down to their level," but of my own ability to
+climb up to the level of my opportunity. For the time being whatever
+superiority there was was altogether on their side, and the point was
+how I could prove myself the real thing, and not the artificial; how I
+could find the common denominator which would enable us to get on "like
+a house afire" together.
+
+As I was speaking the solution came--and a mighty simple one it turned
+out to be; for it lay wholly in the simplest possible use of the English
+language. "Cut out the big words," I said to myself. "Cut out all
+unfamiliar terms. Get right down to good old Anglo-Saxon. Drop such
+jawbreakers as _differentiate_, _terminology_, _intimations_,
+_implications_, and _psychological_." My chief hope became that I might
+once more at least measure up to that condition which was clearly set
+forth a great many years ago by a Western chairman, at a time when I was
+too much of a novice to do my work even passably well, who said to me as
+we walked to my hotel after the lecture was over:
+
+"We don't care so much for your lecture, Mr. Bangs; but we like you, and
+we're going to have you back."
+
+Whether or not my plan was successful I shall not attempt to say; but I
+may be pardoned, perhaps, for recording here one of the most delightful
+compliments I have ever had, paid me by a threadbare workingman who came
+up behind me as I was leaving the park that afternoon, and put his arm
+through mine as he spoke.
+
+"Are you goin' to speak here to-night, Brother?" he said.
+
+"No," said I. "I am hurrying off to Boston on the five o'clock train."
+
+"Well, I'm sorry," said he. "I wanted to come out and hear ye again."
+
+Bearing upon the cultivation, or lack of it, of the average American
+audience, I recall a remark made to me several years ago by a well-known
+poet from the shores of Britain, who had come here to lecture on the
+Celtic Renaissance.
+
+"I have had a most delightful surprise," said he, "in the wonderful
+amount of real culture that I have found in the United States, and
+especially in the smaller communities. Why, do you know," he added,
+"when I first started in on my work I supposed that I should have to
+spend at least half of my time explaining to my audiences just what a
+Renaissance was, and the rest in consideration of the Irish movement;
+but I hadn't been here a week before I discovered that for the most part
+the people I was to talk to knew quite as much as I did about the
+history of the movement, and I had all I could do to shed any new light
+on it whatsoever."
+
+He had, fortunately for himself, made the discovery at a critical part
+of the "lecture game," as some people delight to call it, that it was up
+to him to keep climbing, and not waste any of his valuable time trying
+to descend to a lower level, if he wished his discourse to be favorably
+regarded in this country--a discovery that I devoutly wish some of our
+modern editors and theatrical managers, who think they must cater
+exclusively to a "lowbrow" audience, as they call it, a clientele made
+up out of the whole cloth of their own imaginings, might make.
+
+Our wonderful West frequently affords illuminating incidents
+demonstrating the real truth, as discovered by our distinguished
+visitor. I remember going a few years ago into a small community in
+Iowa, where possibly the English lecturer would have looked for very
+little in the way of what he would consider learning. When sitting in
+the office of the chairman of the lecture committee, a particularly
+alert young man, a lawyer, and a graduate of the Harvard Law School, the
+door opened, and a splendid specimen of physical manhood, a typical
+pioneer in appearance, stalked in. The chairman introduced me to him.
+
+"Mr. Bangs," said he, "I want you to know my father."
+
+The caller gave my hand a grip that even now makes my fingers ache every
+time I think of it. He then led me to a comfortable, leather-covered arm
+chair, and, after almost shoving me into its capacious depths, seated
+himself directly in front of me.
+
+"Sit down, young man," said he. "I want to talk to you."
+
+"Fire ahead!" said I. "And thank you for calling me a young man. I've
+been feeling a trifle old for a couple of days."
+
+"Well, you are young compared to me," he said. "I'm eighty."
+
+"Good Lord!" said I. "You don't look over sixty, anyhow."
+
+"No," he smiled, "I don't--but that's Ioway. I've been farmin' out here
+for nigh onto seventy years, and we're all too busy to grow old. We live
+forever in Ioway. It's the grandest country on the footstool."
+
+I didn't feel at all inclined to dispute him, considering his more than
+six feet of towering height, the fresh, healthful hardness of his
+weather-beaten face, the breadth of his shoulders, and depth of his
+chest. I contented myself with agreeing with him. And I didn't have to
+work hard to do that, either; for I have known magnificent Iowa as a
+most salubrious State for many years.
+
+"Well, you see, sir," I said, "we can't all pick out our birthplaces. I
+was born in New York through no choice of my own. Some are born at
+birthplaces, some achieve birthplaces, and others have birthplaces
+thrust upon them--which last was my case."
+
+"Same here," said he. "I was born in Ohier; but my folks moved out here
+when I was a babby. I've lived here ever since--and I'm glad of it. Of
+course I hain't had your advantages in gettin' an eddication--most o'
+mine's in my wife's name--but I've got some, and I've had to work so dam
+hard to get it that sometimes I think I appreciate it just a leetle more
+than you Eastern boys do who have it served to you on a silver platter.
+I didn't know how to read till I was twenty-five."
+
+"I congratulate you," said I. "Considering the sort of things the
+greater part of our young people are reading to-day, I wish that
+condition might prevail a little more widely than it does."
+
+"That's it," said he. "When a thing comes too easy we're not likely to
+make the best of it. When I think of how I had to sweat to learn to read
+you don't ketch me wastin' any o' my talents in that direction on
+trash."
+
+"Then," I put in, "the chances are you've never read any of my books."
+
+"Not many of 'em," he answered; "but one or two folks I know has read
+'em, and they tell me there's nothin' deelyterious about 'em. But I tell
+ye it was some work for me to get the knack o' readin'; but when it come
+it come! Ye see, when I first come out here they wasn't any schools, and
+they wasn't any too much help around in those days, either. What with
+farmin', and diggin' food out o' the ground, and fightin' Injuns, they
+wasn't much spare time for children to spend in schools, even if we'd a
+had 'em. But along about the time I was twenty-three years old we
+started one. We built a little schoolhouse, and then we sent East for a
+schoolmarm, and when she come she boarded up at our house, and I
+celebrated by fallin' head over heels in love with her."
+
+"Good work!" said I.
+
+"You bet it was good work!" he blurted out, with an admiring glance at
+his son. "It was the best work I ever done, and the best part of it was
+she liked me, and the first thing we knew we got married. Well, sir, do
+you know what happened then? You're a smart man, and you won't need many
+guesses. It was the very thing we might ha' foreseen. The idee o' me,
+the husband o' the schoolmarm, not knowin' how to read--why,
+it--was--simply--pree--posterous!"
+
+I don't believe Colonel Roosevelt ever put more syrupy electricity into
+the first syllable of his famous "dee-lighted" than that old gentleman
+got into the _pre_ of his "preeposterous."
+
+"Yes, sir," he ran on, "and there was no way out of it but that she
+should teach me to read. _And she did!_ It was a tough proposition for
+that wonderful teacher of mine; but her patience finally pulled us
+through, and at the end of about a year I was ready to tackle 'most any
+kind of stunt in the way of a printed page. And then the burning
+question arose. Now that I know how, what in Dothan shall I read? That's
+a big problem, my friend, to a young feller that has earned his right to
+literature by the sweat of his brow. I wasn't goin' to waste any of my
+new gift on flashy stuff. What I wanted was the real thing, and one
+mornin' the problem was solved. A copy of a weekly paper come to the
+house, with an advertisement in it of a book called 'The Origin of the
+Species,' by a feller named Darwin, costin' two dollars and a half. That
+was some money in those days; but somehow or other that title sounded
+good and hefty, and I sent my little two-fifty by mail to the publisher,
+and within a week or two 'The Origin of the Species' was duly received,
+and I went at it."
+
+"And what did you make out of it?" I asked, my interest truly aroused.
+
+"Nothin'--not the first dam thing at first," said the old gentleman;
+"except it made me wonder if I hadn't lost my mind, or something. I sat
+down to read the thing, and by thunder, sir, I couldn't make head nor
+tail out of it! I'd always thought I knew something about the English
+language; but this time I was stumped, and it made me mad.
+
+"'There's something happened to me,' I said to my wife. 'I've read this
+darned first page here over five times, and I'm blest if I can get a
+glimmer of anythin' out of it.' She smiled and advised me to try
+something easier; but, '_Not--on--your--life!_' says I. 'I've been
+through fire and famine and wind and blizzard in my day. I've seen the
+roof over my head burnt to a cinder by savages, and I've fit Injuns, and
+come nigh bein' scalped by 'em, and in all my life, my dear,' says I, 'I
+hain't never been stumped yit, and I don't preepose to begin now,
+specially by a page o' printed words, said to be writ in the English
+language--_not--on--your--life!_'
+
+"So I went at it again. I read it, and I reread it. I wrastled with
+every page, paragraph, and sentence in that book. Sometimes I had to put
+as much as five days on one page--but by Gorry, son, _when_ I got it I
+got it good, and when it come it come with a rush--and _now_--"
+
+The old man paused, drew himself up very straight, and squaring his
+shoulders he leaned forward and put his hands on my knees.
+
+[Illustration: "If there's anything you want to know about Darwin's
+Origin of Species, you ask me!"]
+
+"And _now_, my friend," he said, his eye flashing with the joy of
+victory, "_if there's anything you want to know about Darwin's Origin of
+the Species--you--just--ask--me!_"
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+THE GOOD SAMARITAN
+
+
+If there is any man in this wide world who doubts the beauty and heart
+significance of the Parable of the Good Samaritan, he need only go out
+upon the lecture platform to have his eyes opened. I know of no workers
+in the whole field of human effort this side of tramphood itself who
+need more often the intervention of the Good Samaritan to get them out
+of trouble than the followers of that same profession.
+
+Indeed, I shall not even except the profession of the Hobo; for there is
+a certain license granted to this latter sort of Knight of the Road that
+is denied to us of the Lyceum Circuit. We are prone to forgive a hungry
+tramp for breaking into a casual hencoop in search of the wherewithal to
+satisfy the cravings of an empty stomach, and when his weary bones
+demand a bed there are numerous expedients to which he may resort
+without loss of dignity. I doubt, however, that if Dr. Hillis, or the
+Hon. Champ Clark, or my humble self, were ever caught red-handed with a
+farmer's fowls dangling by their legs from our fists, or were to be
+discovered stealing a nap in the soft seclusion of a convenient hayloft,
+we should get off quite so easily as do poor old Dusty Rhodes and his
+famous colleague Weary Waggles.
+
+Even as do our less loquacious brothers who foot it across country, and
+earn their living by making after-dinner speeches to sympathetic
+farmers' wives, so also do we more advanced members of the Fraternity of
+Wanderers have often to throw ourselves upon the tender mercies of
+others to get us out of the unexpected scrapes into which the most
+careful of us sometimes fall. Life is ordinarily no very simple thing,
+even to the man who lives all his days in one spot, and knows every
+curve, crook, and corner of his special surroundings. How much more
+complicated must it become, then, to him who has to change his spots
+every twenty-four hours, and day after day, night in and night out,
+readjust himself to new and unfamiliar conditions!
+
+For the most part our troubles, such as they are, have to do with the
+natural perversity of train schedules, or unexpected visitations of
+Nature which will disarrange the most carefully forecast calculations of
+men. In the machinery of our existence there are probably more human
+cogs involved, which require our own individual attention, than in any
+other known mechanism. Even the actor on the road is better looked after
+than are we; for he has a manager to arrange for his transportation, to
+look after his luggage, and to attend to all the little things that go
+to make or mar the comfort of travel while we of the platform go out
+wholly upon our own, unattended, and compelled at all times to shift for
+ourselves.
+
+I have been in many a scrape en route myself; but so far none of them
+has found me without some personally devised expedient for my relief, or
+the aid of a chance Good Samaritan, whose constant nearness in the hour
+of need has convinced me that there are many more of his kind in
+existence than most people are willing to admit. I have almost gone so
+far at times as to believe in the "intervention of Providence," and
+would quite do so did I not feel the idea somewhat belittling to the
+Divine Intelligence that orders our goings out and our comings in.
+
+On one occasion in the Far West I was so close to a scene of actual
+murder that I might readily have been held as a material witness, and
+escaped that great inconvenience only by pursuing the exceedingly
+difficult policy of holding my tongue--always an arduous proposition for
+a professional talker. I have faced starvation on a delayed train in
+Oklahoma, starvation setting in in my case after fifteen hours without
+food, and been suddenly relieved by the wholly chance appearance, at the
+tail end of the train, dropping seemingly out of the mysterious regions
+of Nowhere, of an Italian driving a wagonload of bananas across the
+track, just as the train was starting along on another interminably
+foodless stretch; an Italian who with remarkably quick wit--in response
+to the lure of a new, shining silver dollar tossed into his
+wagon--heaved a bunch of his stock large enough to feed an orphan asylum
+on to the back platform.
+
+I have even been threatened with complete annihilation, physical and
+spiritual alike, by a man big enough to carry out his threat, unless I
+would join him in a cocktail at six o'clock in the morning, and escaped
+my doom, not as a great many readers may think, by accepting the
+invitation, but only through the timely intervention on my behalf of
+the blessed gift of sleep, which descended suddenly, and without
+apparent cause, upon my convivial adversary before he had time to carry
+out his amiable intentions looking toward my removal from the face of
+the earth.
+
+But there have been other times when nothing short of the sudden
+appearance of the Good Samaritan himself has saved me from disaster. Two
+of these instances I recall with feelings of gratitude, and I record
+them here with sincere pleasure, since it may be that my willing helpers
+may read what I have written about them, and learn from the record
+something of the lasting quality of my grateful appreciation of their
+courtesy.
+
+The first of these incidents occurred in the distant city of Los Angeles
+on a memorable afternoon when I was to all intents and purposes
+stranded; not for the lack of ready money, but for the want of
+transportation necessary to get me from where I was to the haven where I
+was critically needed at that moment. It was a matter of making a train
+or losing a whole chain of profitable engagements, arranged in such
+sequence that if one were lost the others would in all probability go
+also.
+
+I was due to lecture in the beautiful California city on a Wednesday
+evening, and was to go thence to Salt Lake City for a Friday night
+lecture. Unfortunately for me it happened that on Tuesday I was booked
+at Tucson, Arizona, and with a strange carelessness of consequences
+somebody had thrown a glass of water on the tracks of the Southern
+Pacific Railroad, and thereby completely demoralized the roadbed. I do
+not wish to libel that useful railway system; but at that time the
+casual impression of the traveler on the Southern Pacific was that its
+rails had been laid on water, and were ballasted with quicksand. It
+should be added in justification of the conditions that the
+irrepressible Salton Sea, a body of water that has no known parentage in
+the matter of sources, or real destiny in the matter of utility, and
+acts accordingly, had been on one of its periodic rampages, the proper
+handling of which had taxed to the uttermost the ingenuity of the
+engineers on whose shoulders the responsibility for the line rested. It
+was Nature who was to blame, and not the authorities.
+
+At any rate, however, there were such serious delays on my way from
+Tucson to Los Angeles that, scheduled to lecture at the latter city at
+eight P.M. on Wednesday evening, I did not arrive there until four
+o'clock on Thursday morning, and even a Western audience will not submit
+to any such delay as that. Thanks to the quick wit of my principals, who
+stood to lose a considerable stake by my failure to appear, another
+lecture was arranged for Thursday afternoon at one o'clock, although my
+train for Salt Lake was scheduled to leave at two-forty-five. The plan
+was for me to take a carriage out to the lecture hall, about forty
+minutes' drive from the center of activity, to go upon the platform
+promptly at one o'clock, to condense my talk into one hour, to leave the
+platform at two, and drive hurriedly over to the San Pedro station, and
+catch my train with five minutes to spare.
+
+The first part of the program was carried out to the letter, and at five
+minutes after two I was at the entrance of the hall ready for my drive
+to the station. But there was no carriage or vehicle of any other known
+sort in sight. Through some misunderstanding either on my part or on
+that of the local managers, the carriage that brought me out had not
+waited, and there was no substitute to be had within reach. What to do
+became a most embarrassing question. The succeeding dates had been
+arranged in such a way that if I failed to catch that train to Salt Lake
+City my whole tour would come down with a crash.
+
+Fortunately there was a rather fine boulevard running in front of the
+hall, a rare temptation to speeders both in motors and with horseflesh;
+and as my managers and I were standing on the curb, expressing our
+opinion as to the intelligence of hackmen in general and ourselves in
+particular, and hopelessly scanning the horizon in search of relief,
+there suddenly emerged out of the gloom, coming along at a rapid pace, a
+horse lover, seated in a light wagon, and driving a big bay trotter of
+no mean abilities. He was striking nothing poorer than a two-forty gait,
+and as he loomed bigger and bigger as he drew nearer he looked like a
+runaway avalanche; but as he came the idea flashed across my mind that
+here was my only salvation. I therefore sprang out into the middle of
+the road, directly in his path, and waved my arms violently at him. The
+driver drew in his reins with a jerk, and man, horse, buggy, and all
+came to a sliding, grinding stop. I cannot say that his first remark was
+wholly cordial.
+
+"What the dash is the matter with you?" he roared.
+
+I panted out my explanation--how my carriage had not come, how much
+depended on my catching my train, and how completely I had relied on
+him.
+
+"Oh, that's it, eh?" he said, amiably calming down. "I thought you'd
+escaped from a lunatic asylum or something. Jump in. I can't take you
+all the way to the station, because I've got an engagement myself at
+two-fifteen; but I'll land you at the hotel in a jiffy."
+
+I needed no second bidding, and in a moment we were bounding along at
+breakneck speed in the direction of the city. We covered the distance
+that had consumed forty minutes before the lecture in twelve minutes,
+and all seemed well--only it was not well; for, arriving at the hotel, I
+found myself still fifteen minutes distant from the railway station, and
+not a taxi or other kind of cab to be had. What was more, the electric
+roads were blocked by a fire or something farther up the street. I was
+as badly off as ever--and then entered the Good Samaritan!
+
+As I stood there in front of the hotel making sundry observations, most
+of them unprintable, concerning the quality of my luck, a man of fine
+appearance came out of the hotel and stepped quickly across the sidewalk
+to a large touring car that stood awaiting him by the curb. He opened
+the door, and after seating himself in the tonneau leaned forward to
+give his instructions to his chauffeur, when I was seized with the
+inspiration that here indeed was truly my White Hope. Again I took my
+chances. I sprang forward, laid my hand gently on his arm, and blurted
+out:
+
+[Illustration: "I cannot say that his first remark was wholly cordial."]
+
+"Excuse me, sir, but my name is Bangs--John Kendrick Bangs. I am out
+here lecturing, and if I don't catch that two-forty-five train for Salt
+Lake City I shall lose half a dozen engagements. If you have ever read
+any of my books and liked them, sir, you will be willing to do me a
+service. If you've read 'em and not liked them, you'll be glad to get me
+out of town. Won't you be a Good Samaritan and give me a lift to the
+station? _You're my only hope!_"
+
+"Sure thing!" he answered without an instant's hesitation, opening the
+door. "Get in--and, James," he added, turning to the chauffeur, "the San
+Pedro station, and never mind the speed limit."
+
+I clambered into the car as quickly as I could, and the car fairly
+leaped forward.
+
+"It's mighty good of you," said I breathlessly as we sped along.
+
+"Don't mention it, Mr. Bangs," said my host. "Glad to be of service to
+you. I read your 'House-Boat-on-the-Styx' once with a great deal of
+pleasure; but there's one thing about you that I like a great sight
+better than I do your humor."
+
+"What's that?" I asked.
+
+"_Your nerve, sir_," he replied, handing out a cigar.
+
+We caught the train with eight minutes to spare, and as it drew out of
+the station I realized possibly for the first time in my life that in my
+particular line of business _nerve_ is a vastly better asset than
+_nerves_, and I have faithfully cultivated the one and resolutely
+refused to admit the existence of the other ever since, to my very great
+advantage.
+
+It may not be without interest to record here that in spite of all my
+trials and tribulations at Los Angeles, the Salt Lake City engagement
+was lost. Our engine broke down in the wilds of Nevada, and we did not
+reach Salt Lake until long after midnight the following night.
+Nevertheless I kept my hand in; for in response to the request of some
+of my fellow passengers I delivered my lecture that night in the
+observation car of the stalled train in the Nevada hills, to an audience
+made up of fifteen fellow travelers, the train crew, and a half-dozen
+Pullman porters.
+
+I hesitate to think of what might have been my fate had I employed
+similar tactics to get me out of such troubles in New York or Boston, or
+some other of our Eastern cities. The chances are that my name would
+have been spread upon the blotter of some police court as a disorderly
+person; but in our great West--well, things seem somehow very different
+out there. There are not so many sky-scrapers in that part of the
+country, and the horizon of humanity may therefore be a little broader;
+and perhaps too the strugglers out there are closer to the period of
+their own trials and tribulations than we are here in the East, and
+become in consequence more instantly sympathetic when they see the
+signal of distress flying before them.
+
+The second incident occurred nearer home. It was in Ohio, at the time of
+the floods that wrought such havoc in Dayton and thereabouts in the
+spring of 1913. I had lectured the night before at Ironton, and on my
+way to Cleveland was to all intents and purposes marooned at Columbus.
+Much doubt existed as to whether traffic out of Columbus was at all
+possible, so completely demoralized were all the railroads centering
+there. It is a cardinal principle with lyceum workers, however, to make
+every possible effort to get through to their engagements at whatever
+inconvenience or cost. So in spite of the warnings of subordinate
+officials I took my chances and went out on a morning train which
+passengers took at their own peril, through scenes of dreadful
+desolation, and over a disquietingly soggy roadbed, until the train
+reached an Ohio city which I shall not identify by name here. While I
+have no hard feelings against it, or against any of its citizens, I
+cannot bring myself to speak of it in terms of "endearment," as I should
+much prefer to do.
+
+At this point our train came to a standstill, and the announcement was
+made that it would be impossible to get through to Cleveland because all
+the bridges had been washed away. Motoring over for the same reason was
+out of the question, and the engagement was lost. I immediately repaired
+to the telegraph office and sent off several despatches--to the
+Cleveland people, announcing my inability to get through; to my agents,
+telling them of my plight; and to my family, assuring them of my safety.
+These telegrams broke my "financial back"; for when I had paid for them
+I found myself with only forty cents left in my pocket, marooned
+possibly for days in wettest Ohio, hungry as a bear, and not a friend in
+sight.
+
+I did not worry much over the situation, however; for on several other
+occasions when I found myself penniless in the West and in the South I
+had not found any trouble in getting some one to cash my check. So,
+after assuring myself that my train would be held there for at least two
+or three hours before returning to Columbus, I set off blithe-heartedly
+to secure the replenishment of my pocket. In the heavy rain I walked up
+the main thoroughfare of the little city, and to my great relief espied
+a national bank on one of the four corners of its square. I walked
+boldly in and addressed the cashier, telling him my story with a few
+"well chosen words."
+
+"I thought possibly," said I, as he listened without too great a display
+of interest, "that in view of all these circumstances you would be
+willing to take a chance on me, and cash my check for twenty-five
+dollars."
+
+"Why, my dear sir," he replied, "_this is a bank_!"
+
+I restrained a facetious impulse to tell him that I was surprised to
+hear it, having come in under the impression that it was a butcher shop,
+where I could possibly buy an umbrella, or a much needed eight-day
+clock.
+
+"I know," I contented myself with saying, smiling the while. "That's why
+I came here for money."
+
+"Well, you've come to the wrong place," he blurted out. "_We are not
+running an asylum to give first aid to the injured!_"
+
+"Thank you, sir," I replied. "You are quite right, and perhaps I should
+not have asked such a favor--but I'll tell you one thing," I added.
+"To-morrow or next day when the Governor of this State issues his appeal
+for aid for the stricken, as he surely will, you will find that the
+financial men in that part of the world where I come from are running
+just such institutions, and when that golden horde for the relief of
+your people pours in from mine I hope it will make you properly ashamed
+of yourself, if you are not so already."
+
+It was as fruitless as reading a Wordsworth sonnet on nature to a
+rhinoceros; for all he did was to grunt.
+
+"Humph!" said he, and I walked out.
+
+Another bank was soon found, where I secured not accommodation but a
+more courteous refusal. The president of the bank was one of the most
+sympathetic souls I have ever met, and would gladly cash anybody's draft
+for me; but my own check, that was out of the question. He was a trustee
+of the funds in his charge--poor chap, apparently without a cent of his
+own on deposit. However, he was courteous, and vocally sympathetic. He
+realized very keenly the difficulties of my position, and actually
+escorted me as far as the door to see me safely to the perils of the
+pave, expressing the hope that I would soon find some way out of my
+difficulty. I returned to the train, ate thirty cents' worth of sardines
+in the dining car, gave the waiter a ten-cent tip, and repaired to the
+smoking compartment absolutely penniless. A number of others were
+gathered there, and we naturally fell into discussing the day's
+adventures.
+
+"Well," said I, "I've just had one of the strangest experiences of my
+life. I've been in all parts of the United States in the last eight
+years, and never until to-day have I found a place so poor in sympathy,
+and easy money, that I couldn't get my check cashed if I happened to
+need the funds. Why, I've known a Mississippi hotelkeeper who was so
+poor that his wife had to do all the chambermaid's work in the house, to
+go out at midnight to _borrow_ twenty-five dollars from a neighbor to
+help me out; but here, with this flood knocking everything galley west,
+I can't raise a cent!"
+
+And I went on and narrated my experience with the two national banks as
+recorded here.
+
+"Well, by George!" ejaculated one of the men seated opposite to me,
+slapping his knee vigorously as I finished. "I'm an Ohio man, sir, and
+I blush for the State. I'll cash your check for you on your looks. How
+much do you want?"
+
+"Twenty-five dollars," said I.
+
+"All right," he said, pulling a well-filled wallet from his pocket, and
+counting out five five-dollar bills. "There's the stuff."
+
+I thanked him, and drawing my check handed it over to him. He took it,
+and glanced at the signature.
+
+"_What?_" he exploded. "_The Idiot?_"
+
+This was the title of one of my books.
+
+"Guilty!" said I.
+
+"Here, you!" he cried, pulling his wallet again from his pocket, and
+holding it wide open, displaying a tempting bundle of ten-dollar bills
+within. "_Here--just help yourself!_"
+
+And yet there are people in this world who ask if "literature" pays!
+
+About the most Samaritan of the Good Samaritans I ever encountered I met
+in February last in one of the most flourishing of our northwestern
+cities. He was a Samaritan with what the modern critic would call a
+"kick" to him--or at least it struck me that way. As I made my way
+northward from Minneapolis to fill my engagement there I was seized
+with a terrific toothache which for the time being destroyed pretty
+nearly all my interest in life. The offending molar was far back in the
+region of the wisdom section, and inasmuch as it had been somewhat loose
+in its behavior for several days I decided to be rid of it. All my
+efforts to extract it myself were unavailing, and finally after a last
+desperate effort to pull it out myself I returned to my chair in the
+Pullman car and informed the Only Muse who upon this trip was Seeing
+America with me that our first duty on reaching our destination was to
+find a dentist and get rid of it.
+
+[Illustration: "I'm an Ohio man, and I'll cash the check for you on your
+looks."]
+
+"I hope you will be careful to get the right kind of a man," said she.
+"We can't afford any quack doctors, you know."
+
+At this moment a charming woman seated on the opposite side of the car
+leaned over and said, "I do not wish to intrude, but I have seen how you
+were suffering, and I just overheard your remark. Now my son-in-law is a
+dentist, and we think he is a good one. He is coming to meet me at the
+station, and I think possibly he will be willing to help you."
+
+I thanked the lady, and expressed the hope that he would.
+
+On our arrival at the station the young man appeared as was expected,
+and my kindly chaperone presented the case.
+
+"He has been suffering dreadfully, James," she said, "and I told him you
+would pull his tooth out for him."
+
+"But, my dear mother," said the young man, "we are in a good deal of a
+hurry. We have an engagement for to-night. My office is closed, and we
+are not dressed for--"
+
+"Thanks just the same," said I. "I am sure you would help me if you
+could--maybe you will do the next best thing. I can't lecture unless I
+have this confounded thing out."
+
+"Lecture?" said he. "You are not John Kendrick--"
+
+"Yes--I am," said I.
+
+"Oh," said he, "that's different. You are our engagement. Come up to my
+office, and I'll fix you up in a jiffy."
+
+So we marched five long blocks up to his office, where I was soon
+stretched out, and the desired operation put through with neatness and
+despatch.
+
+"Well, doctor," said I as he held the offending molar up before me
+tightly gripped in his forceps, "you have given me the first moment of
+relief I have had all day. My debt in gratitude I shall never be able to
+repay, but the other I think I can handle. How much do I owe you?"
+
+"Nothing at all, Mr. Bangs," he replied. "Nothing at all."
+
+"Oh, that's nonsense, doctor," I retorted. "You are a professional man,
+and I am a stranger to you--you must charge something."
+
+"Oh, no, Mr. Bangs," said he, smilingly. "You are no stranger to me. I
+have been reading your books for the past twenty years, and _it's a
+positive pleasure to pull your teeth_."
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+A VAGRANT POET
+
+
+The inimitable and forever to be lamented Gilbert, in one of his
+delightful songs in Pinafore, bade us once to remember that--
+
+    Things are seldom what they seem--
+    Skim-milk masquerades as cream;
+    Highlows pass as patent-leathers;
+    Jackdaws strut in peacock's feathers.
+
+The good woman who sang this song--little Buttercup, they called
+her--was in a pessimistic mood at the moment; for had she not been so
+she would have reversed the sentiment, showing us with equal truth how
+sometimes cream masquerades as skim milk, and how underneath the wear
+and tear of time what outwardly appears to be a "high low" still
+possesses some of the glorious polish of the "patent leather."
+Everywhere I travel I find something of this latter truth; but never was
+it more clearly demonstrated than when on one of my Western jaunts I
+came unexpectedly upon an almost overwhelming revelation of a finely
+poetic nature under an apparently rough and unpromising exterior.
+
+It happened on a trip in Arizona back in 1906. My train after passing
+Yuma was held up for several hours. Ordinarily I should have found this
+distressing; but, as the event proved, it brought to me one of the most
+delightfully instructive experiences I have yet had in the pursuit of my
+platform labors. As the express stood waiting for another much belated
+train from the East to pass, the door of the ordinary day coach--in
+which I had chosen to while away the tedium of the morning, largely
+because it was fastened to the end of the train, whence I could secure a
+wonderful view of the surrounding country--was opened, and a man
+apparently in the last stages of poverty entered the car.
+
+He was an oldish man, past sixty, I should say, and a glance at him
+caused my mind instinctively to revert to certain descriptions I had
+heard of the sad condition of the downtrodden Westerner, concerning
+whose unhappy lot our friends the Populists used to tell us so much. He
+looked so very poor and so irremediably miserable that he excited my
+sympathy. Upon his back there lay loosely the time-rusted and threadbare
+remnant of what had once in the days of its pride and freshness been a
+frock coat, now buttonless, spotted, and fringing at the edges. His
+trousers matched. His neck was collarless, a faded blue polka-dotted
+handkerchief serving as both collar and tie. His hat suggested service
+in numerous wars, and on his feet, bound there for their greater
+security with ordinary twine, were the uppers and a perforated part of
+the soles of a one-time pair of congress gaiters. As for his face--well,
+it brought vividly to mind the lines of Spenser--
+
+    His rawbone cheekes, through penurie and pine,
+      Were shronke into his jawes, as he did never dyne.
+
+[Illustration: In the last stages of poverty.]
+
+The old fellow shambled feebly to the seat adjoining my own, gazing
+pensively out of the window for a few moments, and then turning fixed a
+pair of penetrating blue eyes upon me. "Pretty tiresome waiting," he
+ventured, in a voice not altogether certain in its pitch, as if he had
+not had much chance to use it latterly.
+
+"Very," said I carelessly. "But I suppose we've got to get used to this
+sort of thing."
+
+"I suppose so," he agreed; "but just the same for a man in your business
+I should think it would be something awful. Don't it get on your
+nerves?"
+
+"What do you know about my business?" I asked, my curiosity aroused.
+
+"Oh," he laughed, "I know who you are. I read one of your books once.
+I've forgotten what it was about; but it had your picture in the front
+of it, and I knew you the minute I saw you. Besides I was down in Tucson
+the other day, and--you're going to lecture at Tucson Tuesday night,
+aren't you?"
+
+"I am if I ever get there," said I. "At this rate of speed I'm afraid
+it'll be season after next."
+
+"Well, they'll be ready for you when you arrive," he chuckled. "They've
+got your picture plastered all over the place. It's in every drug-store
+and saloon window in the town. They've got it tacked onto every tree,
+hydrant, hitching post, billboard, and pump, from the railway station
+out to the university and back. I ain't sure that there ain't a few of
+'em nailed onto the ash barrels. You can't look anywhere without seeing
+John Kendrick Bangs staring out at you from the depths of a
+photographer's arm chair. Fact is," he added with a whimsical wink, "I
+left Tucson to get away from the Bangs rash that's broken out all over
+the place, and, by Jehosaphat! I get aboard this train, and _there sets
+the original_!"
+
+I laughed and handed the old fellow a cigar, which he accepted with
+avidity, biting off at least a quarter of it in his eagerness to get
+down to business.
+
+"I'm not so bad as I'm lithographed," I said facetiously.
+
+"So I see," he replied, "and it must be some comfort to you to realize
+that if you ever get down and out financially you've got a first-class
+case for libel against the feller that lithographed you."
+
+He puffed away in silence for a minute or two, and then leaning over
+the arm of his seat he re-opened the conversation.
+
+"I say, Mr. Bangs," he said, rather wistfully, I thought, "you must read
+a great deal from one year's end to another--maybe you could recommend
+one or two good books for me?"
+
+It was something of a poser. Somehow or other he did not suggest at
+first glance anything remotely connected with a literary taste, and I
+temporized with the problem.
+
+"Why, yes," I answered cautiously. "I do run through a good many books
+in the course of a year; but I don't like to prescribe a course of
+literary treatment for a man unless I have had time to diagnose his
+case, and get at his symptoms. You know you mightn't like the same sort
+of thing that I do."
+
+"That may be so too," he observed coolly. "But we've got some time on
+our hands--suppose you try me and find out. I'm willin' to testify. Fire
+ahead--nothin' like a few experiments."
+
+"Well," said I, "personally I prefer biography to any other kind of
+reading. I like novels well enough; but after all I'd rather read the
+story of one real man's life, sympathetically presented, than any
+number of absorbing tales concerning the deeds and emotions of the
+fictitious creatures of a novelist's fancy. I like Boswell better than
+Fielding, and Dr. Johnson is vastly more interesting to me than Tom
+Jones."
+
+"Same here," said my new friend. "That's what I've always said. What's
+the use of puttin' in all your time on fiction when there's so much
+romance to be found in the real thing? The only trouble is that there
+ain't much in the way of good biography written these days--is there?"
+
+"Oh, yes, there is," said I. "There's plenty of it, and now and then we
+come upon something that is tremendously stimulating. I don't suppose it
+would interest you very much, but I have just finished a two-volume life
+of a great painter--it is called 'Memorials of Edward Burne-Jones,'
+written by his wife."
+
+The old man's face fairly shone with interest as I spoke, and reaching
+down into the inner pocket of his ragged coat he produced a
+time-smeared, pocket-worn envelop upon which to make a memorandum, and
+then after rummaging around in the mysterious recesses of an over-large
+waistcoat for a moment or two he brought forth the merest stub of a
+pencil.
+
+"Who publishes that book?" he asked, leaning forward and gazing eagerly
+into my face.
+
+"Why--the Macmillan Company," I replied, somewhat abashed. "But--would
+_you_ be interested in that?"
+
+And then came the illuminating moment--I fear its radiance even affected
+the color of my cheeks when I thought of my somewhat patronizing manner
+of a moment before.
+
+"I guess I would be interested in that!" he replied with a real show of
+enthusiasm. "_I've always been interested in that whole Preraphaelite
+movement!_"
+
+I tried manfully to conceal my astonishment; but I am very much afraid
+that in spite of all my efforts my eyes gave my real feelings away. I
+swallowed hard, and stared, and the old man chuckled as he went on.
+
+"They were a great bunch, that crowd," he observed reflectively, "and I
+don't suppose the world realizes yet what we owe to them and their
+influence. Burne-Jones, William Morris, Madox Brown, Holman Hunt, and
+Rossetti--I suppose you know your Rossetti like a book?"
+
+I tried to convey the impression that I was not without due familiarity
+with and appreciation of my Rossetti; but I began to feel myself getting
+into deeper water than I had expected.
+
+"There's a lot of fine things in poetry and in paint we'd never have had
+if it hadn't been for those fellows," the old man went on. "Of course
+there's a lot of minds so calloused over with the things of the past
+that they can't see the beauty in anything that takes 'em out of a rut,
+even if it's really old and only seems to be new. That's always the way
+with any new movement, and the fellow that starts in at the head of the
+procession gets a lot of abuse. Take poor old Rossetti, for instance,
+how the critics did hand it to him, especially Buchanan--the idea of a
+man like Robert Buchanan even daring to criticize Rossetti's 'Blessed
+Damozel'! It's preposterous! It's like an elephant trying to handle a
+cobweb to find out how any living thing could make a home of it. Of
+course the elephant couldn't!"
+
+I quite agreed that the average elephant of my acquaintance would have
+found the average cobweb a rather insecure retreat in which to stretch
+his weary length.
+
+"Do you remember," he went on, "what Buchanan said about those lines?--
+
+    "And still she bowed herself and stooped
+      Out of the circling charm
+    _Until her bosom must have made
+      The bar she leaned on warm._
+
+He said those lines were bad, and that the third and fourth were quite
+without merit, and _almost without meaning_! Fancy that!--
+
+    "_Until her bosom must have made
+      The bar she leaned on warm_
+
+_almost without meaning_! Suffering Centipedes!" he cried indignantly.
+"That man must have been brought up on the bottle!"
+
+I think I may truthfully say that from that point on I listened to the
+old man breathlessly. Buchanan's monograph on "The Fleshly School of
+Poetry" though wholly out of sympathy with my own views has long been a
+favorite bit of literary excoriation with me, comparable to Victor
+Hugo's incisive flaying of Napoleon III, and to have it spring up at me
+thus out of the alkali desert, through the medium of this beloved
+vagabond, was indeed an experience. Instead of conversing with my
+friend, I turned myself into what theatrical people call a "feeder" for
+the time being, putting questions, and now and then venturing a remark
+sufficiently suggestive to keep him going. His voice as he ran on
+gathered in strength, and waxed tuneful and mellow, until, if I had
+closed my eyes, I could almost have brought myself to believe that it
+was our much-loved Mark Twain who was speaking with that musical drawl
+of his, shot through and through with that lyrical note which gave his
+voice such rare sweetness.
+
+[Illustration: "Suffering Centipedes!" he cried. "That man must have
+been brought up on the bottle!"]
+
+From Rossetti my new-found friend jumped to Whistler--to whom he
+referred as "Jimmy"--thence to Watts, and from Watts to Ruskin; from
+Ruskin he ran on to Burne-Jones, and then harked back to Rossetti again.
+
+Rossetti now seemed to become an obsession with him; only it was
+Rossetti the poet instead of Rossetti the painter to whom he referred.
+In a few moments the stillness of that sordid coach was echoing to the
+sonnet of "Lost Days":
+
+    "The lost days of my life until to-day,
+    What were they, could I see them on the street
+    Lie as they fell? Would they be ears of wheat
+    Sown once for food but trodden into clay?
+    Or golden coins squander'd and still to pay?
+    Or drops of blood dabbling the guilty feet?
+    Or such spill'd water as in dreams must cheat
+    The undying throats of Hell, athirst alway?
+    I do not see them here; but after death
+    God knows I know the faces I shall see--
+    Each one a murder'd self, with low last breath;
+    'I am thyself--what hast thou done to me?'
+    'And I--and I--thyself' (lo! each one saith)--
+    'And thou thyself to all eternity.'"
+
+His voice trembled as he finished, and a long silence followed.
+
+"Pretty good stuff, that, eh?" he said, at length.
+
+"Fine!" said I, suddenly afflicted with a poverty of language quite
+comparable to his own in the way of worldly goods.
+
+"Takes you here, however," said he, tapping his forehead. "Makes you
+think--and somehow or other I--I don't like to think. I'd rather
+feel--and when it comes to that it's Christina Rossetti that takes you
+here." He tapped his left breast over his heart. "She's got all the rest
+of 'em skinned a mile, as far as I'm concerned. I love that 'Up Hill'
+thing of hers--remember it?--
+
+    "Does the road wind up-hill all the way?
+      Yes, to the very end.
+    Will the day's journey take the whole long day?
+      From morn to night, my friend.
+
+    "But is there for the night a resting-place?
+      A roof for where the slow dark hours begin.
+    May not the darkness hide it from my face?
+      You cannot miss that Inn.
+
+    "Shall I meet other wayfarers at night?
+      Those who have gone before.
+    Then must I knock, or call when just in sight?
+      They will not keep you standing at the door.
+
+    "Shall I find comfort, travel-sore and weak?
+      Of labor you shall find the sum.
+    Will there be beds for me and all who seek?
+      Yea, beds for all who come.
+
+"Ah, me!" he said. "I've got a deal of heartening out of that, and then
+some day when things don't seem to go just right, I sing for my comfort
+that song of hers:
+
+    "When I am dead, my dearest,
+      Sing no sad songs for me;
+    Plant thou no roses at my head,
+      Nor shady cypress tree:
+    Be the green grass above me,
+      With showers and dew-drops wet,
+    And if thou wilt, remember,
+      And if thou wilt, forget.
+
+    "I shall not see the shadows.
+      I shall not feel the rain.
+    I shall not hear the nightingale
+      Sing on, as if in pain:
+    And dreaming through the twilight
+      That doth not rise nor set,
+    Haply I may remember,
+      And haply may forget."
+
+The train had long since started on toward our destination, the old
+fellow discoursing gloriously as we ran along, I utterly unconscious of
+everything save the marvelous contrasts of that picture--a seemingly
+wretched vagabond, held in the grip of a relentless poverty, pouring
+forth out of the depths of a rich mind as rare a spiritual disquisition
+as I ever remember to have enjoyed. Our destination finally reached, I
+held out my hand to bid him good-by.
+
+"I can't thank you sufficiently," I said, "for a wonderful hour. I want
+you to do something for me. You see you have the advantage of me. You
+know who I am; but I don't know who you are. Won't you tell me your
+name, that I may add it to the list of my friends?"
+
+The old fellow's eyes filled with tears. He laid his hand gently on my
+shoulder. "My young friend," he said, his voice growing hoarse and husky
+again, "_who_ I am is one of the least important things on the face of
+God's beautiful green earth. What is really important is the kind of man
+I am. _I am one of those unfortunates who started in life at the top of
+the ladder and moved in the only direction he thought was left open to
+him._"
+
+He seized my hand, gave it a soft, seemingly affectionate pressure, and
+walked away, leaving me standing alone, and I have not seen nor heard
+from him since.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+BACK-HANDED COMPLIMENTS
+
+
+In a previous chapter of these rambling reminiscences I have said that I
+defied any really human man to return from a lecture season in this
+country in a pessimistic frame of mind. To this defiance I would add
+another. I defy any man possessed of a hide anywhere short of that of a
+rhinoceros, or a head of a thickness less than solid ivory, to return
+from a tour of our country with any greater sense of his own importance
+than he is entitled to.
+
+There are a good many plain truths spoken in the presence of the
+lecturer by the good people to whom he is consigned, especially in our
+delightfully frank West, where they seem to have acquired the knack of
+drawing a clean-cut distinction between the lecturer as a man and the
+lecturer as a lecturer. Discourtesy is never encountered anywhere. At
+least in the ten years of my platform experience, with nearly a thousand
+public appearances to my credit, I have met with it only twice, and on
+both occasions in Eastern communities; a proportion so negligible as to
+amount really to nothing. Hospitality to the man has always been
+cordial; the attitude toward the lecturer respectful. But in the showing
+of this respect there is no slopping over, though now and then there is
+an atmosphere of reserve in its manifestation which serves the lecturer
+better in the line of criticism, if he is capable of sensing its
+significance, than any amount of outspoken condemnation.
+
+There is one element in the work of the Man on the Platform that is in
+itself of the highest disciplinary value, and that is that in all
+circumstances _he must deliver his goods himself_. There is nothing
+vicarious about the operation. No substitute can relieve him of that
+necessity. The man who writes books, or makes shoes or motor-cars, can
+sit apart and let others face whatsoever blame may be visited upon a
+middle man for defects of workmanship; but for the lecturer there is no
+such happy shifting of responsibility. If people find his discourse
+dull, they either get up and walk out, or, as the saying is, they "go to
+sleep in his face."
+
+[Illustration: "The lecturer must deliver the goods!"]
+
+Occasionally, however, an ostentatiously emphatic expression of
+disapproval gives the man on the platform a chance to redeem himself. It
+is told of Henry Ward Beecher that on one occasion something he had said
+proved so offensive to one of his auditors, who happened to be sitting
+in the front row of a large and reverberant auditorium, that the
+individual rose bruskly and walked out. As a sort of underscoring of his
+disapproval the protesting soul was aided by a pair of new shoes that
+squeaked so audibly as he strode down the aisle that they distracted the
+attention of everybody. Mr. Beecher immediately stopped short, and
+waited until the dissatisfied person had faded through the doorway and
+the last echo of his suffering boots had died away, and then, with a
+benignant smile, recited that good old nursery rime so dear to the
+hearts of our childhood:
+
+    Rings on his fingers,
+      And bells on his toes;
+    He shall have music
+      Wherever he goes.
+
+It was a bit of ready repartee that captivated the audience, and if
+there were present any others who later found themselves in a protesting
+mood it is pretty certain that they waited for a safer occasion upon
+which to manifest it. Mr. Beecher on his feet was never a man to be
+trifled with.
+
+On a stumping campaign myself a number of years ago I was confronted by
+a somewhat similar condition. An allusion to a statesman whom I greatly
+admired elicited a decided hiss from a group of hostiles seated under
+the gallery of a rural opera house. I silenced the hiss by pausing in my
+remarks and appealing to the janitor to "turn off that steam radiator,"
+since the hall was evidently already too hot for the comfort of some of
+the audience. It was not particularly deft, but it served the purpose,
+and we heard no more from that particular quarter for the rest of the
+evening.
+
+It is a safer rule, however, for the speaker to try to conciliate the
+hostile element, and it has been a rule of mine for the last five years
+to endeavor to locate such centers of frigidity as may be found before
+me, and then direct all my energies toward "thawing them out." Popular
+as the platform is in all parts of the country to-day, there is always
+present in every community a small leaven of at least reluctant men who
+are dragged unwillingly to the lecture halls by their enthusiastic
+wives, when, if they were only permitted to have their own way, they
+would be resting tranquilly at home, slippers on feet, feet on fender,
+book or favorite newspaper in hand, and a sweet-scented briarwood pipe
+for company. It is not difficult to locate these sufferers. They are
+such conscious martyrs that they immediately betray themselves, and as a
+rule while my chairmen are introducing me to my audiences I scan the
+rows of faces before me in search of them.
+
+They have certain unmistakable earmarks that betray them to the
+sympathetic eye--which, with all due modesty, I may claim mine to be;
+for, while I love lecturing, being lectured to or at, as the case may
+be, bores me to extinction. I am like those doctors who rejoice in the
+opportunity to amputate another man's leg, but would not give seven
+cents to cut off one or both of their own.
+
+The first of these earmarks is the expression of the face, which is
+either one of hopeless resignation, or full of lowering, one might
+almost say vengeful, contempt, as if the owner of the face were calling
+down inwardly all the wrath of Heaven upon the lecturer in particular,
+and the whole lyceum movement in general. With both these expressions go
+arms tightly folded across the breast, as though the sufferer were
+really trying hard to hold himself in.
+
+[Illustration: "They may 'go to sleep in his face.'"]
+
+The second almost certain manifestation is in the physical relation of
+the sufferer to the chair in which he sits. He makes it bear the heavy
+material burden of his despair by sitting not as Nature intended that he
+should sit, but as nearly upon the small of his back as the available
+space at his disposal will permit. If he occupy an aisle seat, he sits
+wholly on the small of his back, with his legs crossed, and his hands
+tightly clasped across his freer knee.
+
+Once located, this man is the special person that I go after. It becomes
+my persistent effort, and in so far as I can master the situation my
+determination, to win his reluctant heart. If I can only get him sitting
+up like a vertebrate animal, using his spine like a prop instead of like
+a hammock, and returning my gaze with a gleam of interest, I am happy.
+If I can get him not only to sit up but to lean forward with his head
+cocked to one side, much as a horse will cock its ears when something
+unexpected comes within the range of its vision, I feel that I have
+scored a triumph. I should say that at a rough guess in eight cases out
+of ten the effort is successful, although there have been ninth and
+tenth cases that have chilled me to the marrow, and sent me home with
+an uncomfortable sense of failure.
+
+My lamented friend, the late R. K. Munkittrick, an American humorist who
+never really received the full measure of appreciation to which his
+delicious humor entitled him, once when we were "reading" together one
+night at Albany, scoring a fiasco so complete that we could only laugh
+over it, put the situation before me in terms so wholly comprehensive
+that I have never forgotten it.
+
+"See that red-headed chap in the fourth row?" he whispered, as the
+chairman was indulging in some extended remarks concerning our greatness
+to which we could never hope to live up.
+
+"You mean the pall bearer with the green necktie?" I asked.
+
+"Yes," said Munkittrick, "he's the one."
+
+"Well--what of him?" said I.
+
+"Oh, nothing," grinned Munkittrick, "but I'll bet you seven dollars and
+forty-seven cents he's bet the boxoffice fifty cents we can't make him
+laugh."
+
+I may record with due humility that if good old Munkittrick's surmise
+was correct our highly chromatic but otherwise funereal friend won his
+bet. I doubt we could have moved him with dynamite.
+
+But these gentlemen serve a highly useful purpose. They keep us with our
+feet on the earth, and prevent us from soaring too high in our own
+estimation.
+
+Another effective factor in this disciplinary element in platform work
+is the "back-handed" compliment that leaves the party of the second part
+suspended like Mahomet's coffin, midway between heaven and earth, and in
+some uncertainty as to exactly where "he is going to get off." I have
+rejoiced in several such. The great State of Pennsylvania, which has
+"officially" done so much for the platform by its liberal appropriations
+for teachers' institutes, enabling the school centers to secure the
+services of speakers of high cost who would otherwise be beyond their
+reach, is responsible for one of these.
+
+It occurred some three years ago, and grew out of an unexpected summons
+by wire from one of the largest cities of the Quaker State asking me to
+"fill in" for Dr. Griggs, who because of sudden indisposition was
+unable to meet his engagement in a large and important course there. It
+was an emergency call, which fortunately found me disengaged, and
+willing to serve.
+
+The chairman of the occasion was a delightful individual, with a
+considerable fund of dry humor, and his introduction was a gem of subtle
+wit. It occupied about fifteen minutes, the first five of which were
+devoted to matters pertaining to the course; the second five to a well
+deserved eulogy of Dr. Griggs for his inspiring lectures and the
+uplifting nature of his work, coupled with an expression of the intense
+disappointment which he, the chairman, knew the audience must feel on
+learning that the good doctor could not be present. I thought he rather
+rubbed the "disappointment" idea in a little too vigorously; but I tried
+not to show it, and sat through that part of the chairman's remarks with
+the usual stereotyped smile of satisfaction at hearing a colleague so
+highly spoken of. This done, the chairman launched himself upon a
+four-minute discourse upon what he called "The Age of Substitution."
+
+"You know, my friends," said he, "that this great age in which we live
+is so rich in resources that at times when we cannot immediately lay
+our hands on some particular article we happen to want there is always
+to be found somewhere a _just as good as_ article to take its place.
+If you desire a particular kind of porous plaster to soothe an
+all-too-self-conscious spine, and the druggist you call upon for aid
+does not chance to have it in stock, he invariably has another at
+hand which he assures you will do quite as well. So it is with the
+nerve foods, breakfast foods, corn plasters, face powders, facial
+soaps, suspenders, corsets, liver pills, and lecturers. If we
+haven't what you want, we have something just as good in this Age of
+Substitution. So is it with us to-night. While we may not receive the
+all-wool-and-a-yard-wide spiritual uplift that Dr. Griggs would have
+given us, we are privileged to listen to the near-silk humor of a
+substitute, who, the committee in charge venture to hope, will prove
+to be _just as good as_ the other. We of course don't know that it
+will be; but we live in hope as well as on it, and, lacking the great
+satisfaction that I had expected to be mine in presenting Dr. Griggs to
+you this evening, it still gives me a certain melancholy pleasure to
+introduce to this audience that highly mercerized near-speaker, Mr.
+Just-as-Good-as K. Bangs, on whose behalf I bespeak your charity and
+your tolerance."
+
+As a rule I like to play a little with my chairmen; but I deemed it
+unwise on this occasion to "monkey with a buzz saw," and plunged
+directly into the work in hand without venturing upon the usual
+facetious preliminaries. I felt that I had enough work cut out for me
+already, and for an hour and a half exerted myself strenuously to be
+_just as good as_ I could be, neither more nor less. Then, when it was
+all over, and my case was in the hands of the jury, a charming woman,
+with a delectable smile on her face, came rushing up to the platform.
+She seized my hand and shook it vigorously as she spoke.
+
+"Oh, Mr. Bangs," she said with an enthusiasm so delightful that I
+listened eagerly for the honeyed words to come, "we are so glad you
+came! _You have made our disappointment complete!_"
+
+Another incident I prefer not to locate other than by saying that it was
+in the West--and where the West begins no man may say. I know a New York
+lady to whom it begins at the Cortlandt street opening of Mr. McAdoo's
+Hudson River tubes, who has no notion at all that anything lies beyond
+save the names of a few cities that mean nothing to her, and the Rocky
+Mountains. With others it begins on the banks of the Mississippi. Once
+in the heart of Iowa, when I was speaking to a young college student
+there on the glorious opportunities of the West, in the hope of making
+him see how much I appreciated the wonderful country in which he lived,
+the young man staggered me with the reply:
+
+"Yes, sir, I believe you are right. _My father wants me to go West when
+I get through with my work here._"
+
+So it would seem that the old rime about the little insect--
+
+    Every flea has a little flea to bite him,
+    And so it goes ad infinitem--
+
+may very well be adapted to the uses of those good souls who now and
+then try to reach the infinity of westernness. But there is another poem
+more directly applicable to some conclusion as to the problem, which I
+like to think of in moments when I am reflecting upon its cordial
+welcome to me:
+
+    Out where the hand clasp's a little stronger,
+    Out where a smile dwells a little longer--
+      That's where the West begins.
+    Out where the sun is a little brighter,
+    Where the snows that fall are a trifle whiter,
+    Where the bonds of home are a wee bit tighter--
+      That's where the West begins.
+
+    Out where the world is in the making,
+    Where fewer hearts with despair are aching--
+      That's where the West begins.
+    Where there's more of singing and less of sighing;
+    Where there's more of giving and less of buying,
+    And a man makes friends without half trying--
+      That's where the West begins.
+
+The author of those lines, who was, I believe, Arthur Chapman of Denver,
+seems to me to have come closer to a solution of the problem than any
+other. For our own purposes just now, however, let us say that the
+incident to which I wish to refer took place in that part of the West
+which lies between Sandy Hook and the Golden Gate.
+
+My audience in this particular spot was delightfully responsive; so much
+so that I was all of two hours in the delivery of a lecture that
+ordinarily takes me an hour and a quarter to deliver. It was as
+exhilarating as a cross-country run, with turf and skies just right. But
+for the pauses made necessary by the interruptions in appreciation I
+should have galloped across the finish line in less than an hour. So
+stimulating in fact was the readiness of the good people before me to
+take what I had to say and run away with it, that, while I was
+immortally tired when I went out upon the platform, when I finished I
+could have started in and done it all over again with zest.
+
+But even with so pleasing a background of responsiveness, there was one
+young man seated in the front row who was a source of particular
+pleasure to me. He was a rather distinguished looking youth, with
+flashing eyes, and somewhat longish blond hair, and a physique that
+suggested a modern Viking. There was something in his face that
+suggested the scholarly habit--occasionally his expression was wistfully
+questioning. His eyes never left my face while I was speaking, and his
+physical attitude, forward-leaning, and a trifle tense, seemed to
+betoken an interest in what I had to say that was more than gratifying,
+and his mouth was kept half open, ever ready for action. If there was to
+be anything to laugh at, he at least was not going to be caught napping,
+or in any way unprepared, if by keeping his mouth open he could remove
+all obstacles that would have prevented the easy flow of his mirth.
+
+And his laugh! I wish I might have a rubber record of that laugh to
+secrete in an automatic machine located somewhere in the middle of my
+lecture halls, so that in response to the pressure of an electric button
+it could be let loose at certain psychological moments. It was as
+infectious a laugh as I ever listened to, and there were times when its
+contagion brought me perilously close to seeming to laugh at my own
+jokes--which is a dangerous thing for a lecturer to do, and contrary to
+the technic of the "business," which requires humorous periods to be
+delivered with a face solemn to the point of the funereal. It had really
+musical modulations, rising from pianissimo to fortissimo on the wings
+of nicely graded crescendos, and returning whence it had come with a
+sort of rippling gurgle that was mighty fetching.
+
+Finally not only was nothing I had in mind lost upon him, but he
+actually appeared to discover subtleties of wit in my discourse of whose
+presence I had not myself had the slightest suspicion. It is hardly
+necessary to say that he was pleasing unto my soul, and naturally
+enough I spoke of him afterward to my chairman.
+
+"Well, Mr. Bangs," said the chairman as we walked back to the hotel
+together after the lecture was over, "what did you think of your
+audience to-night? Some responsiveness there, all right, eh?"
+
+I was impulsively enthusiastic enough to say that I thought it was a
+"corking good audience." "If they were all like that," said I, "this
+work would be as easy as cutting calves-foot jelly with an ax."
+
+"I thought you liked them," said he. "Our people here are appreciative,
+and they believe the laborer is worthy of his hire in showing it."
+
+"I'll put Blanksville down in my red-letter book," said I. "But tell me
+who and what is that rather distinguished looking young man with the
+longish blond hair and snappy eyes, who sat in the aisle seat of the
+front row next to the white-haired old lady with an audiphone? He had a
+wistful sort of face, and--"
+
+"Oh, I know who you mean," said the chairman. "He's So-and-So. What
+about him--he didn't bother you, I hope?"
+
+"On the contrary," said I, "I loved him. He was about the most
+appreciative chap I ever talked to. He fairly hung on every word I
+spoke, and when it came to a funny point I'm blest if he didn't meet me
+more than halfway!"
+
+"Yes," said the chairman, "he would. He's half-witted."
+
+My swelling head immediately resumed its normal proportions, and when I
+left Blanksville the following morning the only discomfort I found in
+wearing my regular hat was that in some way or other it seemed to have
+grown a little too large for me, and showed a tendency to settle down
+over my ears. I have nevertheless comforted myself with the thought that
+sometimes the difference between half-wittedness and genius is so slight
+to the eye of the familiar beholder that wise men are not infrequently
+believed by their neighbors to be fools. My young friend after all may
+have been a poet, and, like some prophets, "without honor in his own
+country."
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+FRIENDS OF THE ROAD
+
+
+In the days of my cynicism I used to laugh in my sleeve, and
+occasionally in print, at the ways of the politicians and statesmen en
+route, who have their pictures taken hobnobbing with locomotive
+engineers, trainmen, and Pullman porters. Since I have myself become a
+professional wanderer and have come into closer, somewhat enforced,
+fellowship with these individuals I laugh at the politicians and
+statesmen no more. On the contrary I commend them, and I think with
+appreciation and gratitude of a poem by George Sterling, one of our real
+voices to-day calling down blessings on the heads of these "workers of
+the night" to whose watchful care we who travel intrust our lives.
+
+One who makes only occasional journeys by rail is not likely to think
+very much about the man at the throttle; but when one has practically
+lived on the rail for two or three months running, not only the man at
+the throttle, but the man at the switch, the flagman, the fireman, the
+conductor, and the Pullman porter as well, come to be in a very real
+sense members of his family.
+
+Mr. Carnegie's hero medals are often bestowed, and worthily, upon men
+who on sudden impulse have performed some deed of heroism and
+self-sacrifice for the benefit of others; but I have yet to hear of one
+of these desirable possessions being bestowed upon the flagman who, in
+the face of a raging blizzard, at midnight, the thermometer at zero,
+leaves the comparative comfort of the rear car, and walks, whistling for
+company, back some four or five hundred yards along the icy track, and
+stands there with his red lantern in hand to warn a possibly advancing
+train behind of danger ahead.
+
+When the ice-incased wires are down, and the signal and switch towers
+are out of commission because of the rampageous elements, how many of us
+who lie comfortably asleep in the warm berths of our stalled trains give
+so much as a thought to the man outside in the freezing cold of the
+night, keeping the switches clear that we may proceed, or to the
+flagman at the rear, shelterless before the storm, who stands between us
+and disaster? Most of us, I fancy, do not think of them at all, and I
+fear that many of us so occupy ourselves with self-sympathy on these
+occasions that we find no words of commendation in our hearts for
+anybody connected with the whole railway system; but rather words of
+condemnation for that system and everybody connected with it, from the
+innocent stockholder looking for dividends, all the way down to those
+poor devils who have forgotten under the stress of demoralizing
+conditions to fill the water tanks that we may drink and get our fair
+share of the nation's supply of typhoid germs.
+
+For myself, I can truthfully say that the remark of a railway official
+made to me many years ago in response to one of my complaints has of
+late years gathered considerable force and significance. This gentleman
+was a neighbor of mine, and one Christmas he presented me with an annual
+pass on the Hudson River Railroad. It was a delightful gift, and I used
+it with enthusiasm. One morning, however, as he and I sat together on a
+local train that had in some mysterious way managed to lose four hours
+on a thirty-minute run, I turned to him and said:
+
+"Charlie, sometimes I wish I had never accepted that confounded old pass
+of yours. I've bartered my freedom of speech for a beggarly account of
+empty minutes. If it wasn't for that blankety-blank pass, I could tell
+you what I think of your blinkety-blink old road. Here we are four hours
+late on a thirty-minute run!"
+
+"Why, my dear boy," he replied with an amiable smile, "you are
+dingety-dinged lucky to get in at all!"
+
+Individually I have experienced so much kindliness and courtesy at the
+hands of the personnel of our railroads in all parts of the United
+States that I sometimes get real satisfaction out of sharing with them
+the discomforts of travel. I have discovered without half trying that
+there are profound depths of friendliness in them which need to be given
+only half a chance to manifest themselves. Rarely indeed have I met with
+discourtesy at their hands, and many a weary hour has been cheered by
+their native wit. For the most part, naturally, my contact has been with
+the station agent and the conductor--and the Pullman porter.
+
+While I deplore the abuses of tipping in this and other countries, I
+have rarely grudged the Pullman porter his well earned extra quarter.
+Perhaps the general run of us have not had the time, nor the
+inclination, to acquaint ourselves with the difficulties of the Pullman
+porter's job. We don't realize that with a car full of people ten
+passengers will want the car cooled off, ten others will want a little
+more heat, five will complain that there is too much air, five others
+will complain that there is too little; and poor Rastus, ground between
+the two millstones of complaint, has to make a show of pleasing
+everybody. He above all others would be justified in announcing as his
+favorite poem those fine old lines:
+
+    As a rule a man's a fool:
+    When it's hot he wants it cool;
+    When it's cool he wants it hot--
+    Always wanting what is not.
+
+I recall one fine old darky once on a train running into Cleveland, who
+was very unhappy over a complaint of mine that, with a car crowded to
+the limit with women and children, some cigarette fiend had vitiated
+what little air there was in the car by smoking in his berth. I was
+awakened at three o'clock in the morning by the oppressive odor of
+burning paper and near-perique. There is no mistaking the origin of that
+aromatic nuisance, and my gorge rose at the boorish lack of
+consideration that the smoker showed for the comfort and convenience of
+his fellow travelers. I pressed the button alongside my berth, and a
+moment later the porter was peering in at me through the curtains.
+
+"Look here, John," said I in a stage whisper, "this is a little too
+much! Somebody in this car is smoking cigarettes, and I think it's a
+condemned outrage. With all these ladies on board it seems to me that
+you ought to insist that the man who can't restrain his passion for
+cigarettes should get off at the next stop and take the first cattle car
+he finds running to where he thinks he is going."
+
+"Yas, suh," returned the porter sadly. "It's too bad, suh, an' I've
+tried my bes' to stop 'em twice, suh."
+
+"Well, by George!" said I, sitting up. "If they won't stop for you,
+maybe they will for me. If any man aboard this car thinks he can get
+away with a nuisance like this--"
+
+"Yas, suh," said the porter; "but that's jest whar de trouble comes in,
+suh. I been after 'em, suh; but it ain't no use. In bofe cases, suh, it
+was de ladies deirsefs dat was a-doin' all de smokin', suh."
+
+And he grinned so broadly as I threw myself back on my pillow that when
+I finally got to sleep again I dreamed of the opening to the Mammoth
+Cave, through a natural association of ideas.
+
+[Illustration: "I have been after 'em, suh; but it ain't no use."]
+
+Occasionally one finds some trouble in keeping ahead of the Pullman
+porter in the matter of repartee. There used to be on the night run to
+Boston a venerable chap, black as the ace of spades, but patriarchal in
+his dignity, of whom I was very fond. He was as wide awake at all hours
+of the day and night as though sleep had not been invented. Like most of
+his class, he was inclined to bestow titles on his charges.
+
+"Yo' got enough pillows, Cap'n?" he asked on one occasion, after he had
+fixed my berth.
+
+"Yes, Major," I replied, putting him up a peg higher. "But it's a cold
+night, and I think another blanket might come in handy."
+
+"All right, Cunnel," said he, adding to my honors. "I'll git hit right
+away."
+
+"Thank you, General," said I, as he returned with the desired article.
+
+"Glad to serve yo', Admiral," said he with deep gravity.
+
+"And now, Bishop," said I, resolved to keep at it until I scored a
+victory, "suppose--"
+
+"Hol' on, mistuh!" he retorted instantly. "Hol' on! Dey ain't mo'n one
+puhson in de Universe whut's higher 'n a bishop, an' I knows mighty well
+yo' ain't Him!"
+
+Our dusky brothers not infrequently fill me with a sense of consolation
+in difficult moments. Two such cases occur to me at this writing; one in
+my own experience, and the other in a story I heard in the South last
+winter, the mere thought of which has many times since served to soften
+my woes in troublesome moments.
+
+The first occurred several years ago, when the steel passenger cars
+first came into commission. Being myself of a somewhat inflammable
+nature, I make it a rule to travel on these in preference to the
+old-fashioned tinder boxes of ten years ago whenever I can. On this
+particular occasion, however, on a hurried midwinter night run, I found
+myself in a highly ornate, lumbering Pullman of the vintage of '68. It
+was an essentially mid-Victorian affair, and in the matter of decoration
+was a flamboyant specimen of the early A. T. Stewart period of American
+interior embellishment.
+
+Those whose memories hark back that far will remember that the Pullman
+Company's money at that time was largely expended on lavish
+ornamentation of a peculiarly assertive rococo style, consisting for the
+main part of an eruption of gew-gaws which ran riot over the exposed
+surfaces of the car like a rash on the back of a baby. The external
+slant of the upper berth in these cars was ever a favorite surface for
+this particular kind of gew-gawsity, and no occupant of a lower berth
+known to me ever succeeded in getting safely into bed, or out of it,
+without having one or more of these lovely patterns imprinted on the top
+of his head with more force than delicacy. In collisions the occupant of
+one of these varnish-soaked orgies of fretwork had about as much chance
+of escaping unscathed as what a dear clerical friend of mine in a lay
+sermon once characterized as "a celluloid dog chasing an asbestos cat
+through the depths of purgatory." Whenever I find myself on one of these
+cars I think instinctively of just three things, and in this order--my
+past life, my possible permanent future, and my accident insurance
+policy--and try to comfort myself by playing both ends against the
+middle.
+
+In my haste on this occasion I had not particularly noticed the
+characteristics of the car until I attempted to remove my shoes to
+retire. As I sat up after untying the laces I was brought to a painful
+realization of the old-time nature of the vehicle by having impressed
+most forcibly upon the top of my head the convolutions of an empire
+wreath, carved out of pine splints, and embossed with gold leaf, which
+served to give Napoleonic dignity to the upper berth when not in use.
+The jar, plus the ensuing association of ideas, brought to my mind an
+uneasy realization of the probable truth that the car was of antique
+pattern, about as solid as any other box of potential toothpicks, and as
+fireproof as a ball of excelsior soaked with paraffin. At the moment the
+porter happened to be passing with the carpet-stepped ladder to assist a
+two-hundred-and-fifty-pound traveling man into the berth overhead, and I
+addressed him.
+
+"See here, porter!" said I. "What kind of car do you call this, anyhow?
+Isn't this the car Shem, Ham, and Japhet took when they moved back to
+town from Ararat?"
+
+"Yas, suh," he answered. "She suttinly am an ol' timah, suh."
+
+"Well, I don't feel exactly safe, George," said I. "Aren't there any
+steel cars on this train?"
+
+"Oh, we's all safe enough, suh," said George, with the assurance of one
+who is so well intrenched that no foe on earth could possibly get at
+him. "De cyar behind an' de cyar in front, dey's bofe steel, suh."
+
+I had never expected to enjoy in this life the sensations that I suspect
+are those of a mosquito when he finds himself caught between the
+avenging palms of a horny-fisted son of toil, who has at last got a
+pestiferous nuisance where he wants him; but I must confess that such
+were my sensations that night; and every time the train came to a sudden
+stop in its plunging through the dark I had a not too comfortable sense
+that when the steel front of the car behind finally came to meet the
+iron end of the car ahead, through the unresisting mass of splinters and
+Empire wreaths between, I would personally, in all likelihood, more
+closely resemble a cubist painting of a sunset on the Barbary Coast than
+a human being. I imagine that what really carried me uninjured through
+the nervous ordeal of that night was the amused view I took of good old
+George's notions as to what constituted absolute safety.
+
+The other incident, as narrated to me by a fellow traveler, has given me
+much comfort in exasperating moments. In sections of the South and West
+the engineers have not as yet mastered the art of stopping or starting
+their trains gently. When they stop they stop grindingly, with jolts and
+jars sudden and violent enough to send a snoring traveler full of stored
+up impetus head first through a stone wall; or, if it be in the
+daytime, with a jerk of such a nature as would snap his head off
+completely if the latter were not so firmly fastened to his neck. It is
+a method that may do very well for freight, but for passengers and
+dynamite it has its disadvantages.
+
+It was on a line renowned for its jarring methods that the incident of
+which my friend told me is alleged to have occurred. A train made up of
+day coaches and Pullman sleepers broke through a wooden trestle and
+landed in a frightful mass of twisted wreckage on the bottom of a ravine
+some eighty feet below. The wrecking crew worked nobly, and after
+several hours of heroic effort came to a crushed and splintered sleeper
+at the base of the ruin. There amid the debris, sleeping peacefully,
+with a beam across his chest, lay the porter, wholly unhurt, and
+dreaming. He was even snoring. The foreman of the wrecking crew, with
+suitable language expressing his amazement at the miracle, finally
+succeeded in getting Sambo half awake.
+
+"Wh-whut's de mattah?" stammered Sambo, sitting up, and gazing dazedly
+at the ruin on every side.
+
+"Matter?" echoed the foreman. "Why, Jumping Jehoshaphat, man! Don't you
+know that this whole dod-gasted train has fallen through the trestle?
+It's a wonder you weren't killed. Didn't you feel anything?"
+
+"Why, yas, boss," said Sambo. "I did feel sumpin' kind o' jolty; but I
+t'ought dey was jes' a-puttin' on de dinah at Jackson."
+
+So it is that nowadays when these jolting, jarring notes come along to
+vex my soul I no longer lose my temper as I used to do, but think rather
+of that old darky and "de dinah at Jackson," and wax mellow, feeling
+that that story alone, true or not, is a full justification of all the
+sufferings I or others have had to endure at the ungentle hands of the
+freight engineer at the passenger throttle.
+
+These men on the engines are great characters, and whenever I can get
+into touch with them I do so. In some of my zigzagging trips hither and
+yon in the Middle and Northwest I often find myself back to-day on some
+train or other that has carried me along on some previous trip, and it
+is frequently much like a family reunion when I meet the crew for a
+third or fourth time. "Glad to see you back," is a familiar greeting
+from conductors, engineers, flagmen, and porters alike. There is one
+diner on a Western run that I have visited so frequently that I receive
+all the kindly special attention one used to look for at an inn to which
+he was a constant visitor; and I think it all grew out of the fact that
+the first time I traveled on that particular car I summoned the man in
+charge to complain of the pie.
+
+"I don't like to complain," said I; "but this pie--"
+
+"What's the matter with the pie?" he asked, bristling a little.
+
+"Why," said I, "it's so confoundedly good that even a whole one couldn't
+satisfy me!"
+
+[Illustration: "These men on the engines are great characters."]
+
+Ever since the registry of that complaint I have really had more than
+the law allows on that particular car. Preferential treatment that would
+fill the Interstate Commerce Commission with anguish is always mine.
+Neither the rack nor all the fires of the Inquisition could extract from
+me its precise identity, lest its kindly crew be fined for overcourtesy
+to a specific individual.
+
+But to return to the engineers: I have always cherished the memory of a
+stolid old graybeard in command of a special train circumstances once
+compelled me to hire in order to meet an Arizona date for which there
+was no possible regular connection by rail. My special started from
+Phoenix shortly after midnight of a stormy day, to carry me down to
+Maricopa, there to connect with an early morning express into Tucson.
+The train consisted of an engine and a single day coach. Inasmuch as it
+was mine for the time being, and at considerable cost, I decided to
+exercise my proprietary rights and ride on the engine. A heavy rain
+which had been falling all day had changed the dry, sandy beds of the
+Salt and Gila rivers to torrential streams, to the great disadvantage of
+the roadbeds. We literally seemed to be feeling our way along in the
+dark, until suddenly the clouds broke away and a glorious moon shed its
+radiance over everything. Just at this point the engineer with a
+startled exclamation seized the throttle and brought us to a
+disquietingly abrupt stop. He whispered a word or two to the fireman,
+who immediately descended from the cab and ran on ahead along the track
+until he was completely lost to sight.
+
+"What's the trouble?" said I somewhat apprehensively, as the engineer
+began examining his machinery.
+
+"Oh, nothing," said he. "I've just sent Bill ahead to see if the bridge
+is still there."
+
+"Bridge? Still there?" I queried. "There's nothing wrong with the
+bridges, I hope."
+
+"Well--I dunno," said he. "Look over there," he added with a wave of his
+hand off to the left of us. I peered across the stream in the direction
+he had indicated, and there in the bright light of the moon I could see
+that two huge iron spans of the Santa Fé bridge had been completely
+undermined by the fierce flow of the waters, and now lay flat on their
+sides in midstream.
+
+"Ooo-hoo! All right!" came the voice of the fireman from the dark ahead.
+
+I sat transfixed and speechless as the engineer started slowly ahead and
+moved at a snail's pace along the soggy road. We came to the bridge,
+which was still standing, in a few moments; but oh how it swayed as we
+inched our way across! I should have felt safer if that train and I
+were lying together in a hammock. We fairly lurched across it, and I
+should not have been at all surprised if at any moment the whole
+structure had collapsed under our weight. Finally we got across in
+safety, and my heart condescended to emerge from my boots.
+
+"By George, Mr. Engineer!" said I. "If there's any more like that, I
+guess I'll get off and walk the rest of the way."
+
+"All right, mister," said the engineer cheerfully. "If you prefer the
+company of rattlesnakes and Gila monsters to mine, go ahead--and may the
+Lord have mercy on your soul!"
+
+I decided to remain.
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+CHAIRMEN I HAVE MET
+
+
+Sometimes the Gentleman in the Chair is a Lady, but more often he is a
+man, and, strange to relate, contrary to the general impression of the
+comparative methods of the sexes, the ladies are vastly more direct in
+their introductions than their Brothers in Suffering. Women are seldom
+oratorically inclined. Men are invariably so--or at least chairmen are.
+And as a result an introduction to an audience by a woman is likely to
+become more of an "identification of the remains" than an illuminating
+explanation of the speaker's right to be where he is; while the men
+"pile it on" to such an extent that the lecturer has often to struggle
+immortally to make good the chairman's kindly declarations on his
+behalf.
+
+Personally, with all due respect to the Lady Chairman, I prefer the
+masculine method: not because I like to hear myself exalted to the
+tipmost point of the blue vault above; for I do not. It is hard work to
+sit still before five hundred people with a smug expression of
+countenance and hear oneself compared to Dickens and Thackeray, and
+Shakespeare and Moses, to the distinct disadvantages of that noble
+quartet of literary strugglers; and I have never ceased to sympathize
+with Anthony Hope, who on a postprandial occasion some years ago when I
+was sitting next to him, after listening to a few eulogistic remarks by
+a speaker in which he was made to appear the greatest Light of
+Literature since the beginning of time, lifted the tablecloth, glanced
+under it, and in a muffled tone murmured, "My God, Bangs! Isn't there
+any way out of here? I cawn't live up to all this!"
+
+Nevertheless, I do prefer the men's method, because it gives me more
+time in which to study my audience, and, in so far as I may, adjust
+myself and my discourse to the special problem confronting me. In the
+one case (introductions by women) it is as if one were suddenly seized
+by the scruff of the neck and thrown overboard without even time to say
+one's prayers; in the other the victim is slowly and pleasantly carried
+upward from the level of fact on the wings of kindly fancy to a
+pinnacle of unearned increment of glory, and left there to shift for
+himself: to soar higher if he have afflatus enough to attain loftier
+heights, or to slide back to where he belongs as gracefully as may be.
+
+[Illustration: "Pile it on so thick that the lecturer has to struggle
+hard to make good."]
+
+I have often thought as I have sat and listened to these delightful
+flights of eulogy--so like the obituary notices we read in the
+newspapers after a great man dies--of the great disadvantages of those
+upper realms. It is very lonely and cold up there, and while the old saw
+is undoubtedly correct, and there _is_ plenty of room at the top, let it
+be recorded by one who has more than once been summarily hauled thither
+as involuntarily as undeservedly, that it is elbow room only, with
+mighty little solid earth on which to rest one's feet. The poet who
+invented the expression "the giddy heights" knew what he was talking
+about, and one has but to go out on the lecture platform and try to
+stand gracefully on those abstract peaks to have it proved to his entire
+satisfaction.
+
+But there is another reason why I prefer the chair-_man_ to the
+chair-_woman_, and it has to do solely with the technic of lecturing. No
+one who has ever lectured can deny the apprehension of the first five
+minutes of the effort. Those five minutes are perhaps the most critical
+period of the evening. If the attack is not right, the whole affair is
+likely to come down with a crash; for first impressions count perhaps
+more than they should with the average audience. If the attack is good,
+and the lecturer can "make himself solid" with his audience at the very
+beginning, structural weaknesses and an occasional dull or dragging
+moment will be forgiven later, because those who listen have come to
+like the speaker personally, and decline to let him fail unless he
+really insists upon doing so.
+
+Now the technic of this attack, I should say if I were retained to write
+a Primer for Lecturers, involves the chairman most materially. He is
+the tangible hook on which the alert lyceumite almost invariably either
+hangs or supports himself in those first five minutes. Human nature is
+so constituted that people like a pleasantry at the expense of some
+person or of some thing with which they are personally familiar. It
+grows out of the love of the concrete--which is a failure of us all, I
+fancy--and in every community there are always at least two concrete
+things that are sure winners for the lecturer--the chairman of the
+evening, and the railway system upon which the inhabitants of the
+community depend. Jests broad or subtle at the expense of either are
+received with howls of joy.
+
+On my first transcontinental trip, made ten years ago, I never failed to
+receive an immediate response from my audiences when I referred to the
+letters N. P. R. R., the abbreviated form for the Northern Pacific
+Railroad, as really signifying a "Not Particularly Rapid Route"; and in
+other sections of the country served by those charming corporations the
+shortest cut I know to the affections of the people is through a bald or
+ribald jest at the expense of the Erie or the Baltimore & Ohio
+Railroad.
+
+The chairman, however, is an equally safe proposition. He is either a
+very popular man in town, or directly the reverse, and in either case
+his neighbors enjoy a little joke at his expense. Naturally the joke, to
+be successful, must have to do with something peculiar to the moment,
+which the lecturer must find in the chairman's opening remarks.
+Obviously one cannot be so freely facetious with a woman as with a man,
+and if he has been properly brought up does not even wish to be so. So
+that the Lady Chairman invariably leaves the speaker with a restricted
+field of operations at the outset.
+
+Of course in all these reflections I am speaking merely of the lecturer
+who seeks popular rather than academic favor, which is frankly my own
+case. I should infinitely prefer to find myself liked by a miscellaneous
+audience rather than by a limited company of scientificos who are
+professionally more interested in things of the head than of the heart.
+It is better to be human than great, and I care more for Humanity than
+for the Humanities.
+
+At a rough estimate I should say that in the last ten years I have been
+the beneficiary of the services of not less than eight hundred
+chairmen, and in that whole list I can recall but one that I did not
+like, and no doubt he was a most likable fellow. He was a clergyman and
+a man of information, if not education; but he seemed to think that
+because somebody had once intimated that I was a "humorist" (a title
+that I have neither laid claim to, nor specially desired to win) I must
+naturally be reached only by a downward climb from his own dignified
+heights. There are individuals in this world who conceive humor to be a
+somewhat undignified pursuit, their own education in that branch of
+human action having been confined to a study of the antics of the circus
+clown, and they are likely to deny to humorists even the right to the
+use of correct English.
+
+"Well," said this special chairman unctuously when we met for the first
+time, "you are from New York, I understand."
+
+"I have been a New Yorker," I said noncommittally.
+
+"I suppose you know Howells, and Mark Twain, and all that _bunch_?" he
+went on, condescending to use the kind of language with which he of
+course assumed I was most familiar.
+
+And it was just there that I took a violent dislike to the man. The word
+_bunch_, as applied to Mr. Howells and Mark Twain by one of his presumed
+education was not pleasing to my soul, though I should have loved it
+from a cowboy. It was as if somebody had referred to "those talented
+_cusses_, Carlyle and Emerson," and I simmered slightly within.
+
+"Well," I replied, "I've known Howells and his gang for ages--bunked
+with the whole kit and caboodle of 'em for nearly twenty years--and you
+can take it from me they're a nifty herd! But the other--who was the
+other man?"
+
+"Mark Twain," said he.
+
+"I seem to have heard the name somewhere," said I; "but I don't think
+I've ever met him, or at least I don't remember it. New York's a pretty
+big place, you know, and you can't be expected to know everybody. What
+was his line?"
+
+I am not sure, but I think the reverend gentleman woke up at that point.
+At any rate he gave me no clue as to Mark Twain's identity. He turned
+away, and excused himself on the ground that he wanted to see if the
+audience was "all in."
+
+"Don't bother," I called after him. "It will be _all in_ when I get
+through with it."
+
+But he never cracked a smile. I presume there were refinements of slang
+with which he was not familiar.
+
+As to the others, however, I find as I run the noble army over in
+retrospect that many have won their way into my affections, and none are
+remembered save pleasantly. Several of them stand out preëminently for
+acts of self-sacrificing kindness on my behalf; notably one gentleman in
+Iowa who drove me over a distance of eighteen miles after midnight
+through a raging blizzard, requiring the unremitting efforts of four
+sturdy horses to pull us through, in order that I might catch a train
+back East and be with my children at Christmas time, and he was not a
+particularly emotional man, or anything of a sentimentalist, at that.
+
+I shall never forget the spur of his answer to a remark I made to him
+that night on our way from the hotel to the lecture hall. The snow was
+falling lightly when he arrived, but the distance to the hall was so
+short that we walked it. As we came to the public square I noticed that
+hitched to the white railing about the county courthouse that stood in
+the middle thereof were some thirty or forty teams, harnessed to farm
+wagons of various types, large and small. It was already after eight
+o'clock, and I was surprised to find the wagons there at so late an
+hour.
+
+"Your people work late, Mr. Robb," said I, as we sauntered along.
+
+"What do you mean by that?" he inquired.
+
+"Why," said I, "those wagons over there. Isn't it a trifle late for your
+farmers to be in town?"
+
+"Oh," he said, "those wagons--why no, Mr. Bangs. Those wagons are here
+for pleasure, not on business. They have brought in a good part of your
+audience. Some of your people to-night have driven in from as far as
+twenty miles to hear you."
+
+My heart sank. "Great Scott!" I ejaculated. "Twenty miles, eh? On a
+night like this--I--I hope I'll be good enough for that."
+
+"_I hope so!_" was his laconic response.
+
+The rejoinder was as the prick of a spur, and by its aid, as well as
+with the assistance of a delightfully receptive gathering of listeners
+who had traveled far to have a good time, and meant to have it
+anyhow--a characteristic of your Westerner--we pulled through in good
+condition.
+
+When all was over this noncommittal Iowan bundled me up in a borrowed
+fur overcoat, and insisted on taking that all-night drive with me
+through the raging storm that I might be sent safely and rejoicing back
+to my youngsters awaiting my coming on the Atlantic coast. It was
+shortly after four in the morning when my train drew out of the distant
+station, and the last I saw of my kindly host he was standing on the
+railway platform, knee deep in the snow, in the spotlight of a solitary
+white electric lamp, hat in hand, and waving his farewells and good
+wishes for me and mine.
+
+I rejoice to say that he has remained my friend over the eight or nine
+years that have since elapsed, and if by any chance he shall read these
+lines I trust they will serve to prove to him that my affection, as
+frequently expressed in my letters to him, is still quite as strong and
+as deep as one with his capacity for friendliness could possibly wish it
+to be. And I wish to add that his figure as it stands out in my memory
+has become a symbol to me of the kindness, and courtesy, and
+friendliness of the great-hearted people who dwell in what he and his
+fellows properly and pridefully refer to always as "God's Own Country."
+
+[Illustration: "The last I saw of my kindly host."]
+
+Another Iowa chairman, whose charming companionship and courtesy I shall
+always remember, will not mind, I am sure, if I record here a most
+amusing "break" that he made at our first meeting, which, I hasten to
+add, he more than redeemed afterward when the stress and strain of the
+evening relaxed. He dwelt in what appeared to be a most flourishing
+little city in the northern part of the State. I had arrived there early
+in the afternoon, and was so much impressed by the clean-cut appearance
+of everything I saw that I lingered upon the streets long after I
+should have sought my couch to rest up for the evening. The streets were
+as clean as a whistle. The dwellings were attractive in design and
+setting, and the business blocks were of a dignified if not massive
+style of architecture. Best of all, if I could judge from those I saw
+to-ing and fro-ing upon the streets, the people themselves were alert
+and active.
+
+In view of all this apparent prosperity I was a trifle surprised when
+the chairman arrived at the hotel to find him rather depressed. He was a
+clergyman, and at first glance seemed to be suffering from profound
+melancholy; so very profound indeed that I deemed it my duty to try to
+cheer him up.
+
+"What a fine, prosperous little city you have here, Doctor," said I with
+genuine enthusiasm. "I've put in the greater part of the afternoon
+looking the place over, and I tell you it has filled me with joy."
+
+"Humph!" said he gloomily. "It looks prosperous, but--_it ain't_! It's a
+bank-made town. The banks got here first, and induced people to come and
+settle on easy terms, and the terms haven't turned out quite so easy as
+they might. There's hardly a man in this town that isn't up to his chin
+in debt."
+
+"Oh, well, what of that?" said I, still resolved to win out on a
+tolerably hopeless proposition. "Of course debt is a bad thing; but
+sometimes it acts as a spur. Your people are a bright and brainy looking
+lot. It won't take them long to settle up."
+
+"Oh, they look bright and brainy," he returned sadly; "but _they ain't_!
+There isn't one man in ten 'll understand a half of what you say to them
+to-night."
+
+"Look here, Doctor!" said I, beginning to wax a trifle chilly myself,
+especially in the regions of my pedal extremities. "What are you trying
+to do, discourage me?"
+
+"Oh, no," he replied, with a mournful shake of his head. "If I'd been
+trying to discourage you, I'd have told you about our lecture hall. It's
+without any exception the meanest thing of its kind on the American
+continent. Why," he added, holding out his hands in a gesture of utter
+despair, "why, if we had a lecture hall that was only halfway decent,
+_we could afford to have somebody out here to talk to us that
+would be worth listening to!_"
+
+The chairman who in the exuberance of his own eloquence forgets the name
+of the individual he is introducing, even though he has announced that
+that name is a "household word," is no creature of the imagination, and
+if the stories that are told of him seem hackneyed, it is not because
+they are so frequently told, but because they happen so frequently in
+the experience of all platform speakers, and in almost identical manner.
+Even so well known a man as Mr. Bryan has suffered from this, one
+enthusiastic admirer in New York having once, after a skyscraping
+peroration, led up with climacteric force to the name of "our Peerless
+Leader, _William J. Brennings_."
+
+In my own platform experience I have had chairmen come to me at the last
+moment and confess with most childlike frankness that they have never
+heard of me before, asking me to help them out because they really
+didn't know "what in Tophet to say." One individual out on the Pacific
+Coast approached me one night about ten minutes before the lecture was
+scheduled to begin, and revealed to me his terrible embarrassment over
+this latter situation.
+
+"I didn't know until half an hour ago that I was to present you to our
+people to-night," said he, "and to tell the honest truth, Mr. Bangs, _I
+never heard of you before_. Will you please tell me who you are, and
+_what_ you are, and _why_ you are? And is there anything pleasant I can
+say about you in introducing you to your audience?"
+
+"Well," said I, "if I had known I was to have the privilege of preparing
+the obituary notice you are to deliver over my prostrate remains while I
+lie in state upon the platform to-night, I should have written out
+something that would have been mighty proud reading for the little
+Bangses when I sent marked copies of to-morrow morning's papers back
+East to show them what a great man their daddy is in the West. But I
+haven't time to tell you the whole story of my past life, and there are
+certain sections of it I wouldn't tell you if I had. I have been a
+Democrat in New York and a Republican in Maine."
+
+"You might at least make a suggestion or two to help me out, though," he
+pleaded.
+
+"Oh, yes," said I, "there are plenty of pleasant things you can say
+about me. In the first place, you can tell that audience that--"
+
+"Hold on a moment, Mr. Bangs," he interrupted, raising his hand to stop
+me. "Just one minute, please! _You've got to remember that I am a
+clergyman and must speak the truth!_"
+
+I resolved to let him go his own gait, and comforted him by telling him
+he could say whatever he pleased, and that I would "stand for it."
+
+And I must confess he acquitted himself nobly. In his hands I became one
+of the Princes of Letters, the titles of whose many books were too well
+known to need any enumeration of them there, and as for my name--why, it
+would be an impertinence for him even to mention it, "because, my
+friends," said he, "I am perfectly well aware that that name is _as
+familiar to you as it is to me_."
+
+Another good gentleman in the South, summoned to do duty as chairman at
+the last moment, sought no aid either from myself or from "Who's Who,"
+trusting, like the good Christian he was, utterly to Holy Writ. He began
+most impressively with selections from the Book of Genesis. "In the
+beginning God created the earth," said he, and then he ran lightly over
+the sequences of created things until he had ushered the birds of the
+air, the beasts of the field, and the fishes of the sea on to the stage,
+and thence with an easy jump he came to myself.
+
+"And then, my friends," he said, with an impressive pause, "the Creator
+felt that He should create something to have dominion over all these
+things that He knew were good--a creature of heart, a creature of soul,
+a creature of in-till-ect, and so He made man. My friends, it is such a
+one that we have with us to-night who will speak to you upon his own
+subject as only he can do. It gives me great pleasure to introduce to
+you the speaker of the evening, who is too well known to you all to need
+any further eulogy on my part."
+
+The good gentleman then retired to a proscenium box at the right of the
+stage, where he at once proceeded to fall asleep, and snored so lustily
+that everybody in the house was delighted, including myself--although,
+to tell the truth, I envied him his nap, for I was immortally tired.
+
+One of the dearest of my chairmen was a fine old gentleman in West
+Virginia, to meet and know whom was truly an inspiration. He was a
+profound scholar, and had enjoyed the rare privilege in a long and
+useful life of knowing intimately some of the demigods of American
+literature. His reminiscences of Emerson, and Oliver Wendell Holmes, and
+Longfellow, and Hawthorne, and others of our most brilliant literary
+epoch, were a delight to listen to, and I was sorry when the time came
+for us to go out upon the platform. It would have been a greater treat
+for that audience to listen to him than to me, and I heartily wished we
+might exchange places for the moment. Like a great many others of my
+chairmen, this gentleman experienced some difficulty in getting the
+title of my lecture, "Salubrities I Have Met," straight in his mind.
+More than once during our little chat together he would pause and say:
+
+"What is the title of your talk again? It has slipped my mind."
+
+"Sal-u-bri-ties I Have Met," I would say.
+
+"Tell me again--is it Salubrities or Celebrities?" he would ask.
+
+"Salubrities," I would reply. And then I would spell it out for him,
+"S-A-L-U-B-R-I-T-I-E-S, Salubrities. Not in any case Celebrities, or you
+will spoil my opening."
+
+"I'll try to remember it," he would say, with a mistrustful shake of
+his head as if he feared it was impossible. "It's rather elusive, you
+know."
+
+"Perhaps I had better write it down on a slip of paper," I said at the
+last.
+
+"Oh, no," he replied. "I think I have it now--Salubrities, Salubrities,
+Salubrities--yes--I--I think I have it."
+
+We walked out upon the platform, and the dear old gentleman began a
+short address so filled with witty and pleasant things that I have ever
+since wished I could have had a stenographer present to take it down in
+shorthand. It would have formed an excellent standard of conduct and
+achievement worthy of any man's striving. And then he came to my
+subject.
+
+"And to-night, ladies and gentlemen," he said, "Mr. Bangs has come to us
+to give us his famous lecture on--ahem--on--er--he has come, I say, to
+give us his inimitable talk on--er--on--er--"
+
+I leaned forward, and tried to give it to him in a stage whisper; but
+was too late. His impetus carried him on to destruction.
+
+"--his delightful talk on Lubricators He Has Met," said he.
+
+Without any jealousies let me confess that that observation was truly
+the hit of the evening. The bulk of the audience had been themselves so
+mystified by the possible significance of the word Salubrities that they
+knew the title by heart, and we began the evening with a roar of
+laughter that made us all friends at once. And as a matter of fact no
+harm was done; for "Lubricators I Have Met" was quite as good a title as
+the other, for my Salubrities are men and women who have made the world
+happier, and better, and sweeter, by their kindliness and graciousness,
+and what in the world could be more fitting than that the people who do
+that should be called Lubricators?
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+CHANCE ACQUAINTANCES
+
+
+The delightful author of that most appealing story, "The Friendly Road,"
+had only to scratch the surface of things a little to find many a golden
+nugget of friendliness and courtesy in the mines of the human spirit. As
+I look back on my many thousands of miles of travel in this country I
+find myself able to say with equal confidence that on the Roads of
+Steel, and the lanes tributary thereto, where few of us would think to
+look for such things, I too have found my golden nuggets without more
+than half-trying to find them. I have already spoken of my friends among
+the trainmen, to whose fidelity and watchful care I have owed my safe
+transit and my comfort in many a long and weary stretch. They have been
+an abundant source of happiness to me; but there have been others still,
+in whose wit and fraternal companionship, and illuminating discourse, I
+have found both pleasure and profit. Many of these have been the chance
+acquaintances of the smoker and the observation car en route.
+
+It does not happen often here in the East that we make friends "by
+rail." Possibly it is because the distances traversed are comparatively
+short. Perhaps too it is due to the Eastern Reserve, which is a State of
+Mind, just as the Western Reserve has become several States of Being. I
+know that the democratic Westerner traveling in the East finds us
+apparently cold and unresponsive; though I doubt we are really so. We
+are merely hurried, and possibly worried; too preoccupied to notice the
+many little opportunities for friendly intercourse that a railway
+journey presents.
+
+It is my own impression that the distance to be traveled has largely to
+do with this difference of manner between the Eastern man and his
+brother from the West. The average Easterner who has never penetrated
+the West farther than Sandy Hook has no real conception of the
+magnificence of those distances about and beyond the Mississippi Valley.
+At times when for reasons of business or pleasure I have gone from my
+home in Maine to my encampment in New York, between the hours of six
+P.M. on a Tuesday, say, and six A.M. of the following Wednesday, I have
+passed through six separate American commonwealths: but in those Far
+Western stretches I have time and again spent my full twenty-four hours
+upon the road without in any wise finding myself subject to the rules
+and regulations of the Interstate Commerce Commission.
+
+Out of this rises, naturally enough, a difference in attitude toward
+one's fellow travelers. There comes to be a greater sense of a settled
+community interest on the longer journey, which brings with it greater
+inclination for social intercourse with one's neighbors of the sleeper.
+
+One of the conspicuous results of my contact with humanity on the road
+has been that I have come to hold a very high respect for the traveling
+man; so high indeed that where ten years ago I should probably have
+spoken of him in the terms of our American vernacular as a drummer, I
+have now definitely ejected that word from my vocabulary, save in its
+narrower meaning as applied to that overnoisy person who beats that most
+unmusical musical instrument, the drum, in our modern bands. These
+commercial travelers average high in character and in intellect, and
+the man who keeps his ears open while in their company can hardly fail
+to learn much from their discourse. The best of them know their own
+special lines from the ground up, and if my observation of them is
+correct the very least of them are authorities on human nature.
+
+I do not wish to boast, but I think that if some emergency should arise
+requiring me to prepare offhand an article on suspenders, straw hats,
+automobiles, or canned tomatoes, I could qualify as an apparent
+authority, anyhow, from things I have heard directly from the good
+fellows pursuing those particular lines, or have overheard in their
+chats with others, in the smoking cars. More than once I have left a
+symposium conducted by a group of these gentlemen almost obsessed with
+the notion that our universities might be better qualified to do their
+real work in life if the average college professor were able to "get his
+stuff over" as humanly, as clearly, as entertainingly, and as
+effectively as do the bulk of these advance agents of the American
+industrial world. They are, according to their several capacities, full
+of their subject, saturated with it, enthusiastic over it, and wholly
+unreluctant when they get even half a chance to reveal their knowledge
+to a ready listener.
+
+I have met men on the road who were as eloquent on the subject of men's
+underwear as I should like to be on the necessity of a cheerier spirit
+in meeting the trials of life, and one effervescent soul on a Pacific
+Coast trip once held me and mine spell-bound by his remarkable
+disquisition on the spiritual influence of comfortable shoes, talking
+for a longer time than I have ever yet listened willingly to a sermon on
+some seemingly less homely topic. And as authorities on the state of the
+nation, political, commercial, and spiritual--well, any kind of
+administration, Republican, Democratic, Progressive, would not do badly
+were it to summon a congress of these individuals to meet annually at
+Washington, to confer with it, to inform it, and to lay before it
+anything having directly or remotely to do with "things as is."
+
+They are by nature diplomats, by instinct orators, and of necessity they
+are profound students of human nature. They have to be adaptable to
+circumstance, ready of resource, and full of tolerance. I take off my
+hat to them, and heartily congratulate the business interests of the
+United States to-day upon the high character and quality of manhood of
+this splendid army in the field of commerce.
+
+One of these good fellows several years ago enlivened me for many weary
+hours on a tedious journey from Kansas City to Minneapolis. The journey
+was full of annoying mishaps, thanks to a habit some of our Southern and
+Western railway people have, lacking roses and other fresh flowers, of
+strewing freight wrecks in my path. It is an expensive tribute; but I
+would willingly go without it.
+
+On this occasion my friend and I dined together, breakfasted together,
+characterized our luck in a beautiful commingling of strong language
+together, and together we watched the painfully slow operations of the
+train wreckers removing that tributary debris from the tracks. He was
+buoyant and undismayed by trial, and for hours he orated eloquently upon
+his subject, which happened to be straw hats. When he got through, had I
+taken notes, I could have qualified for a University degree upon that
+subject if I had sought an S. T. D. (Doctor of Straw Tiling).
+
+The vast gulf that separates the near-Panama from the real thing became
+perfectly clear to me then, if it had never been so before, and I knew
+how it had come about that a New Yorker could buy a Panama hat for two
+dollars and fifty cents on Eighth avenue which on Fifth avenue would
+cost him ten dollars; and why a three-dollar Leghorn purchased in
+Chicago was inferior to a ninety-five dollar Leghorn manufactured in
+Newark, New Jersey, was made so obvious that I have worn neither since.
+His discourse was lucid, picturesque, convincing, and so completely
+comprehensive that women's hats became no more of a mystery to me than
+are those which our truck horses wear in midsummer with their ears
+sticking up through holes in the crown. As we drew near our destination
+I suddenly observed a smile breaking out on his lips, and a decided
+twinkle in his eye.
+
+"Good Lord!" said he. "I've only just realized that I have been talking
+you deaf, dumb, and blind for nearly twenty-four straight hours, without
+giving you a chance to slide in a word edge-wise. I hope I haven't made
+you think life's nothing but a hat to me?"
+
+"On the contrary," said I, "I've learned a lot. You've made life worth
+living."
+
+"I get so infernally interested in my business," said he
+apologetically, "that sometimes I don't realize that maybe the other
+fellow has something to say too. I meant to have asked you this morning,
+but I forgot. What's your line?"
+
+I was seized with a jocular impulse, and I answered instantly "Natural
+gas."
+
+He looked at me with a puzzled expression. "Natural gas?" he repeated.
+"That's a queer business. How do you make deliveries?"
+
+[Illustration: "When he got through I could have qualified for a college
+degree on the subject of straw hats."]
+
+"Come around to the lecture hall with me to-night and I'll show you,"
+said I.
+
+He threw his head back and roared with laughter. "By George! the
+dinner's on me!" he said.
+
+He accompanied me to the hall that evening, and sitting in the front row
+gazed at me quizzically all through my labors--full of sympathy and
+understanding, however--and after the affair was over and he joined me
+for my return journey to the hotel he slapped me hard on the back.
+
+"Some gas, all right!" said he. "I wouldn't blow that out if I could!"
+
+Which I took to be one of the most genuine compliments I have ever
+received.
+
+I have never in any of my trips felt myself in danger of assassination,
+and yet one of these chance acquaintances of mine involved me by his
+love of practical joking in an implied ultimatum from a stranger of a
+most awe-inspiring nature. In leaving a California city some years ago I
+found myself seated with a group of other travelers just inside the rear
+door of the observation car. The train had come to a sudden standstill
+alongside a row of flourishing olive trees, and the traveling man (if I
+remember correctly he was to Suspenders what Darwin was to the Origin of
+Species) jumped from the platform and plucked a handful of their fruit
+from branches overhanging the border of the road. Three of these he
+passed in to me, and in the innocence of my young heart I immediately
+plumped one of them into my mouth, and bit into it.
+
+The result I shall not attempt to describe. Our dictionaries have at
+least a dozen separate and distinct terms signifying that which is
+bitter, no single one of which is adequate even to intimate the taste of
+that olive. There are such expressions as "gall and wormwood"; there are
+adjectives involving such qualifications of taste as "acrid,"
+"nauseous," "sharp," "tangy," "stinging," "rough," and "gamy." None
+suffices. I have tasted rue, I have tasted aloes, I have tasted quassia,
+and I have nearly died of squills. As a small boy I once started in to
+chew a four-grain quinine pill that had been rolled with no ameliorating
+ingredient to take off the tang of it. But never in my life before or
+since have I tasted anything comparable to that olive for pure,
+unadulterated acerbity. It was an Ossa of Gall piled on a Pelion of
+Wormwood--I might say that it represented the complete reunion of that
+Gall which the historians of the past have told us was "divided into
+three parts"--and I suffered accordingly.
+
+But when I saw that traveling man's eye full of twinkling joy fixed upon
+me I resolved not to let him know that the horrid thing was not the most
+exquisite bit of ambrosial sweetness that had ever been perpetrated upon
+my paralyzed palate. I simply chewed quietly ahead, externally as calm
+and as placid as any cow that ever fletcherized her cud.
+
+"How is it?" asked another traveler, sitting alongside me.
+
+"Delicious!" said I. "Have one."
+
+And I handed him over one of my two remaining olives. He was as innocent
+as I, but not quite so self-controlled. Even as I had done, he too
+plumped the olive into his mouth, bit into it--and forthwith exploded. I
+shall not repeat here the appeal to Heaven that issued from his lips
+along with the offending olive itself. Suffice it to say that although
+there were several ladies present it was verbally adequate. And then out
+of the depths of the car, from a physical giant lolling at ease in a
+plush-covered arm chair, came a deep, basso-profundo voice.
+
+"_I'd kill any man who did that to me!_" it said, with a vicious
+aspirate at the beginning of the word kill.
+
+But there was no murder done, and before night as our train rolled over
+into Nevada we were as happy a family as one will be likely to find
+under any kind of roof in the far-off days of the millennium.
+
+It is not often that we look for fine literary and other distinctions in
+the minds of men engaged in the humbler pursuits of life, and yet from
+two of my chance acquaintances en route, both barbers, I have gathered
+subtleties of line that have remained with me impressively ever since.
+The first of these worthy toilers and subconscious philosophers I
+discovered in a Chicago hotel in 1905. I was on my way into Iowa for a
+week of one-night stands, having come almost directly from one of the
+most delightful of my literary opportunities--Colonel George Harvey's
+dinner in honor of Mark Twain's seventieth birthday.
+
+The stains of travel needed to be removed, and I sought the aid of the
+hero of my tale, a stocky little chap, whose face suggested an ancestry
+part Spanish and part East Side New York. I will say that judged
+externally I should not have cared to meet him in a dark alley after
+midnight; but inwardly he turned out to be a pretty good sort of fellow.
+His speech was pure vernacular.
+
+As he was cutting my hair I glanced over the supplement to that week's
+issue of "Harper's Weekly," at that time under Harvey's control, devoted
+to a full account of the Mark Twain dinner both in picture and in text.
+In turning over the leaves to see what kind of melon-shaped head the
+flashlight photographer had given me I came upon the counterfeit
+presentment of the group of which I had been a member, and was relieved
+to find that the print had treated me fairly well, and that instead of
+looking like a cross between a professional gambler and a train robber,
+as most of my published portraits have made me appear, the thing was
+recognizable, and in certain unsuspecting quarters might enable me to
+pass as a reputable citizen. The snipping of the scissors back of my ear
+suddenly ceased as I gazed upon my alleged "liniments"--as an old friend
+of mine used to call them--and the barber's voice broke the stillness.
+
+"Say," he said, pointing with the scissors point to the portrait of
+myself, "that guy looks sump'n like you, don't he?"
+
+"He ought to," said I. "Me and him's the same guy."
+
+"Well whaddyer know about that!" he ejaculated. "Really?"
+
+"Yep," said I.
+
+"And you're from New York, eh?" he went on, resuming his labors. "What's
+the name?"
+
+I enlightened him, and received the inevitable question.
+
+"Whaddyer think of Chicago?"
+
+It had happened that every visit I had made to Chicago for several years
+had shown that city almost completely hidden beneath a pall of sooty
+cloud and lake fog; so I answered him accordingly.
+
+"Why, I like Chicago very much," said I, "very much indeed; but there is
+room for improvement here, of course. For instance, Chicago is dark, and
+gloomy, and cold. Now over in New York," I added, "we have a little
+round, yellow ball that is hauled up into the sky out of the wilds of
+Long Island every morning, and it is so arranged that it moves in a
+perfect semicircle through the sky at the rate of about sixty seconds a
+minute. It is a wonderful invention. It sheds light on everything, on
+everybody, and sort of warms things up for us, and unlike most things in
+New York it doesn't cost anybody a cent. Best of all, when the day is
+over, and we want things darkened up a bit so that we can go to sleep,
+the little ball sinks out of sight over on the western side of the
+city."
+
+"Aw go wan!" he put in. "I know what you mean--you mean the sun."
+
+"Yes," said I; "that's just what we call it. You've evidently heard of
+it before--but why don't you have something of the kind out here?"
+
+His reply was a mixture of a snort and a sniff.
+
+I then went on my journey into Iowa, and at the end of about ten days
+was back in Chicago once more, and in need of further renovation I again
+sought the assistance of my tonsorial friend. After a cordial greeting
+he said:
+
+"Say--I told my wife how I'd fixed you up the other day, and _she'd
+heard of you before_. You wrote a book called 'Tea and Coffee' once,
+didn't cha?"
+
+"Something like that," I replied. "It was called 'Coffee and
+Repartee.'"
+
+"Well, anyhow, whatever the thing was called, she'd read it," said the
+barber.
+
+"I have met two other people who have done the same thing and lived; so
+don't worry," I observed.
+
+"Whaddyer suppose she ast me?" he queried.
+
+"I give it up," said I. "What?"
+
+"She ast me," said he, "was you so very comical, and I told her no, _he
+ain't so damned comical, but he's a hell of a kidder_!"
+
+I may be wrong, but it has ever since seemed to me that there was a
+particularly nice distinction involved in this spontaneous estimate of
+my character, and it may be that a great many of our American humorists,
+so called, would be more aptly described as _kidders_. Our guying
+propensities, and the tongue-in-the-cheek style of humor so prevalent
+to-day, suggest the thought anyhow that the term _kidder_ is more
+discriminating than that of _humorist_, as signifying the qualities of a
+Cervantes, a Rabelais, a Swift, or a Mark Twain.
+
+It was in a South Carolina barber shop that the second nicety came
+unexpectedly upon me. I had looked for a certain quaint philosophy and
+humor among the negroes of the South, and must confess to considerable
+disappointment in not finding much of it. The picturesque article in
+the African line that has so delighted us in the fiction of our masters
+of the pen from the South seems either to have vanished completely from
+the face of the earth or to be a trifle shy in the revelation of itself
+to outsiders. At any rate I found little of it in my wanderings in that
+territory; although a somewhat disagreeable amount of self-conscious
+quaintness, "for revenue only," was not wanting among negroes
+encountered.
+
+[Illustration: "She ast me was you so very comical," said he.]
+
+But this white barber, an anemic little man, whose lazy drawl and
+languid manner bespoke anything but independence of spirit, and in whose
+presence I instinctively thought of the term "white trash," gave me in
+full measure what I had looked for in the sons of Ham. After sitting in
+his chair for a few minutes I mentioned casually that South Carolina
+had a "fine Governor," referring to an individual named Blease, who at
+that time, occupied the high seat at Columbia, and of whose gyroscopic
+talents I had yet to find a South Carolinian of standing who was proud.
+
+"I ain't got no use fo' _Mistuh_ Blease, suh," the man replied, stroking
+his razor up and down the strop with a vigor entirely out of keeping
+with his presumed character. If I had been a blind man, I should have
+felt sure he was a negro, such was his accent.
+
+"I am sorry to hear that," said I. "It would be pleasant to find
+somebody in the State who has some use for him; but so far it all seems
+to be the other way."
+
+"No, suh, I ain't got no use fo' him, suh," continued the barber. "I
+don't like his kind, suh. I have shaved _Mistuh_ Blease many a time,
+suh, an' when he was runnin' fo' Governah he came in hyere most every
+day, suh. One mornin' I says to him, 'Mistuh Blease,' says I, 'you'd
+ought to be a mighty proud man, suh, runnin' fo' Governah of South
+Cyarolina, suh, an' sure to git it. That's an honah, suh,' I says, 'fo'
+yo' and yo' children and yo' children's children to be proud of.' And
+what do you suppose he answered, suh? 'To Blank with the honah!' says
+he. 'What the blank do yo' suppose I caiah fo' the honah?'
+
+"_And I've nuvver give him the honah, suh; no, suh._ _Mis_-tuh Blease
+done got elected, and I've shaved him twenty times since, suh; _but he's
+nuvver had the honah from me, suh. I've nuvver called him Governah yit,
+suh; but it's been Mistuh Blease every time, suh!_"
+
+It was when I was recovering from this loyal assertion of the little
+man's respect for the Commonwealth of his birth that the stillness of
+the shop was broken by the excited voice of a tall, lantern-jawed
+individual with a distinct type of accent, who came rushing in from the
+street.
+
+"Anybody round hyah knows what it costs to beat up a niggah in this hyah
+State?" he cried.
+
+I gasped, and the barber paused languidly in his ministrations, holding
+his razor poised like the sword of Damocles over my head, while he
+reflected.
+
+"Why," said he, "I dunno aigsactly; but the las' time the co'hts decided
+the question I think it was ten dollahs, suh."
+
+"All right," said the intruder, starting to the door. "If it don't come
+to no moh'n ten dollahs, I'll do it. Up home in Ferginia, where I come
+from, it never costs moh'n five; but I'm willin' to go as high as
+fifteen. A coon down hyah at my bohdin' house done give my wife some
+back talk this mornin', _an if it don't cost moh'n fifteen dollahs I'm
+gwine to throw the critter outen de winder_!"
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+HUMORS OF THE ROAD
+
+
+It appears to be the habit of every age to lament its own dearth of
+humor, and in our own time we have not been exempt from the charge that
+we have no humorists. It is my own candid opinion in respect to this
+matter that we are confronted by a paradox in that we have so many
+humorists that in effect we seem to have none; so much of humor that in
+the very surfeit of it its brilliance does not appear; in short, that
+because of the trees we cannot see the wood.
+
+A period that has produced a Dooley, and an Ade, and an Irvin Cobb, and
+a Bert Leston Taylor, is surely not poor in humorous possessions of a
+scintillating character, whether we demand that our humor shall be a
+product of pure fun or of profoundly serious thinking. J. Montgomery
+Flagg in picture and in text is as much a master of effervescent foolery
+as ever was either John Phoenix or Artemas Ward; and in the humor that
+is designed to interpret life itself I find an endless store of it in
+the works of Wallace Irwin, of Montague Glass, of Miss Edna Ferber, and
+of Mrs. Alice Regan Rice; the last two, by the way, forming a complete
+refutation of the preposterous notion that women are devoid of the
+sentiment that cheers but does not inebriate. And as for the wits, if
+Oliver Herford were as lonely among wits as he is unique, I should still
+feel that we were rich beyond measure in that form of humor which is for
+the most part intellectual, of the mind rather than of the emotions.
+
+But even if the charge were true--which of course it is not--that we no
+longer have any purveyors of humor of the first class upon whom we may
+rely for a service as regular as is our supply of milk, butter, and
+eggs, we could still lay the flattering unction to our souls that
+American life is full of humor. If any one doubts the fact, let him
+throw himself headlong into the Lyceum Seas and find out from personal
+contact. To me it seems to crop up everywhere, and whether I travel
+north, south, east, or west I find it in great abundance--humor
+conscious, and humor unconscious; humor of the mind, and humor of the
+heart, or pathos; humor of situation, and the humor involving a mere
+play upon words; humor in all its infinitely varied qualities, and of a
+character most appealing. Writing a short while ago of an alleged
+similar condition in another field of letters, that of lyric poetry, I
+permitted myself the following rather sentimental reflections:
+
+    No singers great are here to-day?
+      Perhaps! Let the indictment stand.
+    I hear no strong voice on the way,
+      No lilt from some immortal hand;
+    And yet as on the silver mere
+      I float, and towering hillsides scan,
+    Deep in my heart I seem to hear
+      Again the merry pipes of Pan.
+
+    No lyrics worthy of the name
+      Are sung to-day by living men?
+    Perhaps! Yet naught is there of shame
+      That we have not old Herrick's pen,
+    For as I wander 'neath these skies
+      As fairly blue as skies can be
+    And gaze into two special eyes,
+      All life a lyric is to me.
+
+With equal truth and sincerity I could say much the same in respect to
+humor, and indeed I might properly even go further. I could not perhaps
+say that all Americans, or even many Americans, are lyrists; but I
+should not fall far short of the mark were I to say that most Americans
+are humorists. In my travels I come across occasional "nonconductors,"
+as a clever woman of my acquaintance once called a certain social light
+who was as impervious to wit as is the rhinoceros to the sting of a
+gnat; but they are few and far between. For the most part I have found
+natural born humorists on nearly every bush.
+
+In a previous chapter I have confessed to some disappointment in the
+quality of the humor of the negro as I have encountered it in Southern
+climes; but there have been, nevertheless, delightful rifts in that
+cloud. I recall an aged son of Ethiopia who called for me one wintry
+morning at four o'clock to drive me from my hotel at Greenville, South
+Carolina, to the railway station. He was a ragged old fellow, and with
+his snowy, wool-covered head composed a study in black and white worthy
+of the brush of any of our best limners of character. He was as
+communicative as he was ragged, and confided to me at the very beginning
+of our acquaintance that he had moved away from Charleston to become a
+resident of Greenville because down in Charleston he couldn't eat
+"pohk" (which I took to be pork) without having to take to his bed;
+while in the more salubrious climate of Greenville he could "swaller a
+whole ham at a settin', an' nebber hyear a woid from dat old ham
+forebber after." His name, he told me, was "mos' gin'rally George"; but
+he "warn't biggetty" about what people called him, since he was willin'
+to come "ef dey on'y jes' whistled."
+
+The early morning hours were cold and dreary, and I found my fur-lined
+horse blanket, as I have come to call my faithful winter overcoat, none
+too warm. Noting George's rather inadequate provision against the chill
+winds, I advised him to wrap his dilapidated old lap-robe about his
+shoulders.
+
+"Ah'm all right, Boss," he replied. "Don't yo' worry erbout me. Dis yere
+old obercoat o' mine ain't much to look at; but hit's on de job jes' de
+same." He gave a most amusing chuckle. "Yo'd ought to hyear mah fambly
+takin' on erbout dis yere old obercoat!" he said. "Dey's kind o' proudy
+folks, an' dey don't like it. Dey says hit don't look neat; but Ah tell
+'um Ah'm a gwine t' wear hit jes' de same, neat er no neat--_de
+undahtakah, he mek yo' look neat_!"
+
+From which I deduced that George was not only a humorist, but in a fair
+way to qualify as a philosopher as well.
+
+Two days later I happened to be at Atlanta, Georgia, over Lincoln's
+Birthday, and it pleased me beyond measure to find printed on the first
+page of one of the prominent daily newspapers of that beautiful city a
+three-column cut of Abraham Lincoln, with a suitable tribute in verse
+from one of America's leading syndicate poets. I had myself for reasons
+of taste, and in order to give no offense to my kindly hosts throughout
+the Southland, omitted from my discourse passing references to certain
+great figures of the Civil War; but on seeing this very notable
+recognition by his old-time adversaries of the great virtues of our
+martyred President, I hesitated no longer in respect to these
+references, and from that time on reverted to the original form of my
+talk.
+
+After eating my breakfast on this morning of the eleventh I dallied for
+awhile in the office of the massive Georgian Terrace Hotel, smoking my
+cigar, and glancing over the news in the paper. As I was about to toss
+the paper aside a fine old type of your Southern gentleman seated
+himself on the divan alongside of me, and in the usual courteous
+fashion of the country gave me a morning salutation. I responded in
+kind, and then tapping my paper observed:
+
+"That is a fine picture of Lincoln."
+
+"Yes, suh, a verruh fine picture, suh," he replied. "I never had the
+honah of seein' Mistuh Lincoln, suh; but from all I hyear, suh, he must
+have resembled that picture pretty close, suh."
+
+"It is a delight to me to find it in one of your Southern newspapers,"
+said I, "especially in one so influential in the South as this."
+
+"Yes, suh," he answered. "It shows that the South is not slow to
+recognize genius, suh, wherever it is found, suh. But," he added, "there
+is no occasion for surprise, suh. We have always appreciated Mr.
+Lincoln's greatness down hyear, and we have admiahed him, suh; _though
+we have had reason to believe that durin' the late onpleasantness, suh,
+he was consid'rable of a No'thern sympathizah, suh_."
+
+Conspicuous in my memory for both his conscious wit and his unconscious
+humor is a strapping negro I encountered at a junction down in Alabama
+last winter. I was marooned there for five weary hours, receiving at
+the hands of its natives as high a courtesy and as fearful food as I
+have ever yet had presented to me. The colored porter at the hotel had a
+face as black as the ace of spades, and as childlike and bland as it was
+black. He seemed to take a tremendous interest in me, especially in my
+fur overcoat, which he appeared to think must "ha cost as much as eight
+dollahs," and he plied me with questions as we stood on the railway
+platform waiting for my train into Birmingham for a full hour that
+nearly drove me to despair. I have not space for that illuminating
+interchange of ideas in all its verbal fullness; but part of it ran in
+this wise:
+
+"Whar yo' come from?"
+
+"Maine," said I.
+
+"Maine?" he repeated. "What's Maine?"
+
+"Why, Maine--Maine is a State," said I. "And it's a nice one too," I
+added.
+
+"Oh, yaas," he said. "Hit's ober yander, ain't it?" he continued, with a
+wave of his hand sweeping enough to take in the whole universe.
+
+"Yes," said I, "away over yonder. It's down East."
+
+"Got any children?" he queried.
+
+"Yes," said I, "I've got two sons in Detroit, and--"
+
+"Dee-troit, eh?" he interrupted. "Yaas, suh, Ah've heerd o' Dee-troit.
+Dee-troit's a nice State too--a mighty nice State--a nice State to have
+two sons at, Ah reckon. So yo' was born in Dee-troit, was yuh?"
+
+"No," I replied, "I wasn't born at Detroit; I was born at Yonkers--"
+
+"O-o-oh! So yo' was born at Yonkers, was yuh? Yaas, suh--Yonkers! Ah
+don't know much erbout Yonkers; but Ah guess Yonkers is a nice State
+too, ain't it?"
+
+"Well," I laughed, "yes--Yonkers is a pretty nice State too--what you
+might call a Comatose State; but--"
+
+"Yaas, suh--Ah've heern tell dat Yonkers was one o' dem cummytoe States,
+an' Ah guess dat's a pretty good kind ob a State to be bohn in. What yo'
+sellin'?" This with a hasty glance at my suitcase.
+
+"Brains," said I.
+
+"Lawsy me! Sellin' brains, eh?" said he. "Waal, suh, Ah'm sorry. Yo'
+look so kind o' set up Ah thought yo' was a-sellin' seegyars. Yaas,
+suh--Ah'd hoped yo' was." He gazed wistfully along the shining rails.
+"Dem seegyar drummahs is mighty free wid deir samples, suh," he
+continued, "and Ah been a hopin' yo'd be able to spar' me a han'ful like
+de res' ob 'em does. But ef yo're dealin' in brains, hit ain't _likely
+yo' got enough to gib any away_."
+
+I may add that his disappointment was short-lived; for before we parted
+I took him across to the general store that fronted on the railroad
+track, and by the judicious expenditure of a quarter bought him a supply
+of his favorite brand large enough to last him a week. A single one of
+them would have done for me forever.
+
+Repartee has always been a characteristic gift of the American people,
+due no doubt to a political system that turns almost every community
+into a debating society at least once a year, and sometimes oftener.
+Readiness of verbal retort has thereby become an inheritance that grows
+richer in the squandering of it. It has been a quality so conspicuous
+that it has led a great many people, justly or otherwise, to assert that
+there are more really good jokes to be found in the course of a year in
+the columns of the "Congressional Record" than in the cleverest of the
+world's comic papers. However this may be, I know that one of the
+zestful things about a lecturer's life is the jestful thing that lurks
+at his side almost everywhere he turns.
+
+I have had many proofs of this in my own wanderings; some direct, and
+some at long range. An amusing instance of the long-range retort
+occurred some years ago when I found in my mail one morning a letter
+from a gentleman living in Wyoming, an entire stranger to me, who said
+that he had heard from a friend that I wrote after-dinner speeches for
+others as part of my professional work.
+
+     Somehow or other [he continued] I have managed to get a reputation
+     as a wit which I don't deserve; but I've got to live up to it, or
+     go under. Now it has occurred to me that since you are in the
+     business of writing after-dinner speeches for others you might turn
+     out three crackajacks for me.
+
+[Illustration: "If yo're dealin' in brains, hit ain't likely yo' got
+enough to gib any away."]
+
+     So, without beating about the bush any longer, I want to ask you
+     what you would charge me for three ripsnorters lasting about a half
+     an hour each, speaking at the rate of a hundred and fifty words a
+     minute, on the subjects of "Our Glorious Commonwealth," "The
+     Star-Spangled Banner," and "The Ladies." If your terms are not too
+     high, I shall be glad to give you the order.
+
+I cannot say whether my sensations upon reading this delightful
+communication were more of amazement or of amusement, but after due
+deliberation I decided to answer the letter in a facetious spirit.
+
+     I have your esteemed favor of Thursday last [I wrote], and beg to
+     say that my regular charge for a single speech such as you require,
+     suitable for delivery before a mixed gathering of ladies and
+     gentlemen, has invariably been $1,000 in the past; but since your
+     proposition is more or less on a wholesale basis, and business is
+     slack, I will make an exception in your case and give you the
+     special terms of $750 per, F. O. B. I must insist, however, that
+     you regard these terms as strictly confidential; for it might
+     involve me in serious complications if Mr. Choate, and Gen. Horace
+     Porter, and Senator Blank were to learn that I was cutting rates.
+     They have been among my best customers for many years, and for
+     their own sakes, as well as for my own, I do not wish to lose their
+     trade.
+
+This letter, which I felt tolerably sure would end the matter once and
+for all, was mailed, and within a week brought me the following
+telegraphic response:
+
+     _If you write Senator Blank's speeches, I don't want one from you
+     at any price._
+
+It added not a little to the poignancy of this retort that the telegram
+was sent "collect."
+
+Another example of ready American facetiousness cheered a dull day for
+me last year in Tennessee. I was booked to lecture before a charming
+collegiate community at Blue Mountain, Mississippi, and to get there
+from Memphis was required to make a railway connection at a curious
+little town called Middleton. Middleton was an amazing concoction of
+piccaninnies, waste paper, inactive whites, and germ suggestion. Mr.
+Goldberg, the cartoonist, would probably have referred to it if he had
+been along with me as the town that put the Junk in Junction, and upon
+its dilapidated railway platform I was compelled to wait for six mortal
+hours, hungry and thirsty, but fearing to assuage the one or quench the
+other for fear of internal complications beyond the reach of medical
+science. If I had never believed in the hookworm before, I became an
+abject coward in the fear of it then.
+
+Middleton's chief excuse for being appeared to be that it was the
+terminus of a featherbed affair called the New Orleans, Mobile &
+Chicago Railway, possibly in ironic reference to the fact that as far as
+I could learn it did not touch any point within two hundred miles of any
+one of those cities. I imagine that the mileage of the New Orleans,
+Mobile & Chicago Railway, or at least that particular section of it, was
+somewhere between thirty-seven and thirty-eight miles linear measure;
+though in the matter of jolting, careening, sliding, skidding, and
+galumphing along generally, its emotional mileage was incalculable, and
+the effect of a ride from Middleton at one end to New Albany at the
+other on the liver surpassed that of all the great transcontinental
+systems rolled into one.
+
+From what I could gather in casual conversation with such bureaus of
+information as were available at Middleton its trains ran anywhere from
+twenty-seven hours to a year and six months late. I will say on behalf
+of its management, however, that after trying it once I concluded that
+it was a miracle it ran at all. Three or four times in the course of my
+waiting I decided to give up the quest of Blue Mountain altogether and
+to return to Memphis; but hope has always sprung eternal in my breast,
+and each resolution to quit the game was superseded by some kind of
+optimistic spiritual reassurance that held me true to my obligations.
+
+Ultimately my optimism was justified, and a panting little combination
+of whirring wheels and iron rust wheezed into view, dragging a passenger
+car of I should say the vintage of 1852, and a shamefully big and modern
+freight car after it. A Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
+Locomotives would have had everybody connected with the institution
+indicted then and there, and I was again strongly inclined to give up my
+effort to get through. It seemed the very height of inhumanity to ask
+that poor little engine to carry my added weight. I should have much
+preferred to lift it tenderly in my arms from the track, and put it into
+the freight car, and pull the train to Blue Mountain myself; at any
+rate, that seemed the most reasonable and the only really kind thing to
+do at the moment.
+
+Nevertheless I boarded the train, having first invested fifty cents in
+twenty-fours' worth of postal card accident insurance at the ticket
+office window and mailed it to my executors. In a couple of hours we
+were sliding and bumping down grade through an oozy morass over tracks
+ballasted with something having the consistency of oatmeal mush
+liberally diluted with skim milk. We slid over the first half-mile in
+about fifteen seconds, thanks to the weight of that shameless freight
+car at the rear, which pushed the rest of us along at a terrific rate of
+speed; but things were averaged up when we came to an upgrade, which, on
+a rough estimate, I should say we accomplished at the rate of about a
+mile a week. After awhile the conductor appeared--a nice, genial, kindly
+soul, who inspired me with a confidence I had not yet managed to acquire
+in the road itself. He was so smiling and serenely unaffected by what
+loomed dark as dangers to me that I was soon feeling rather ashamed of
+myself for being so full of coward fears, and it was not long before in
+my mind I was singing those beautiful lines of Browning:
+
+    The year's at the spring,
+    And day's at the morn;
+    Morning's at seven;
+    The hillside's dew-pearled;
+    The lark's on the wing;
+    The snail's on the thorn;
+    God's in his heaven--
+    All's right with the world!
+
+And as I was humming this comforting assurance to myself there broke
+upon the silence of the car the following colloquy:
+
+"Howdy, Sam!" this from a fellow traveler sprawled comfortably in the
+seat just back of me.
+
+[Illustration: "A Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Locomotives
+would have had them indicted then and there."]
+
+"Howdy, Jim!" this from the smiling conductor.
+
+"How long you been with this hyere road, Sam?" asked the fellow
+traveler.
+
+"Seven years last March, Jim," replied the conductor.
+
+"_My Gord, Sam!_" cried the fellow traveler, sitting up. "_This must be
+your second trip!_"
+
+As for subtle humor of a rather sly sort, perhaps the best example I
+know of was a little jest perpetrated at the expense of one to whom I
+shall refer as my Only Muse, who, I rejoice to say, accompanies me upon
+most of my trips. She was with me once in Iowa when we were stranded at
+an interesting little railway crossing for several hours. The place
+consisted wholly of some stock-yards, a general store, and a small
+wooden cot which passed for a hotel, in which we found every comfort
+that courtesy could provide, even if some of the rather material
+necessities of life were lacking.
+
+We took dinner at the hotel. Seated opposite us at table were two
+farmers, one a handsome middle-aged man, and the other a man wizened and
+gray, with a weather-beaten face, and a kindly eye; seventy years old, I
+imagine, but still as active and as interested in life as a boy, as all
+Iowans, irrespective of foolish years, seem to be. One or two little
+courtesies of the table started an acquaintance, and naturally enough I
+was asked my business in the State.
+
+"Oh, I am out here lecturing," I said.
+
+"Well, we're farmers," said the old man.
+
+Now the Only Muse takes a great interest in farming. She raises herself
+most of the vegetables we consume at home, and one of my ambitions has
+always been to set her up as the presiding Deity over a real farm some
+day when the lure of the platform no longer operates to drag me off into
+distant scenes. She had taken a course of lectures on farming at
+Columbia University, and was enthusiastically full of the subject at the
+time. Wherefore it happened that when my vis-à-vis announced that he was
+a farmer it was the best kind of opening for the conversational powers
+of the Only Muse--which to say the least are generally adequate--and she
+made the most of it. She talked of apples, corn, cows, and bees. She
+dilated eloquently upon the value of persistent "cultivation," and as I
+sat listening admiringly to her evidently masterful handling of her
+varied subjects I suddenly became conscious of the old man's eye
+twinkling across the table at me, and then, as the Only Muse paused to
+catch her breath for further disquisition, he leaned forward, and with
+seemingly innocent curiosity asked:
+
+"_Which one o' ye does the lecturin'?_" I trust that the outburst of
+merriment that greeted his query conveyed to his mind with perfect
+clarity the fact that there are no professional jealousies in my
+household.
+
+At any rate this, with the wonderfully witty response of a distinguished
+railway president to certain reflections I had made in an after-dinner
+speech on his road, appeals to me as one of the most delicately subtle
+bits of wit I have encountered anywhere in real life--which life on the
+road undoubtedly is.
+
+That the reader may judge for himself if the railway president was
+wittier than the Iowa farmer or not, I will close this chapter with a
+short narration of that incident.
+
+The gentleman in question was Daniel Willard, president of the Baltimore
+& Ohio, who on an occasion in New York listened courteously to some
+facetious observations I had to make on the subject of the wonders of
+the B. & O., and two days later heaped coals of fire upon my head by
+sending me by mail a pass over his railroad. I was of course delighted;
+but before using it decided to read carefully the "conditions and
+limitations named on the reverse side," under which it was issued. I
+turned the treasure over and read the following:
+
+     This pass will be accepted for transportation WHEN ACCOMPANIED BY
+     CERTIFICATE of Company's Agent, attested by office-stamp, that the
+     bearer has presented evidence of being HOPELESSLY INDIGENT,
+     DESTITUTE, AND HOMELESS, or an INMATE OF A CHARITABLE OR
+     ELEEMOSYNARY INSTITUTION, a SOLDIER or SAILOR about to enter either
+     a NATIONAL HOME or "A HOUSE BOAT ON THE STYX," or otherwise
+     qualified as entitled to free transportation under Federal or State
+     Laws.
+
+I do not remember whether or not I ever thanked Mr. Willard for this
+courtesy; but if I did not I do so now, and beg to assure him that I
+would not exchange that little document to-day for a controlling
+interest in his road. I am not much of a business man, but I have a keen
+sense of relative values.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+MINE HOST
+
+
+    Whoe'er has traveled life's dull round,
+      Where'er his stages may have been,
+    May sigh to think he still has found
+      The warmest welcome at an inn.
+
+So wrote William Shenstone, a minor poet of England in those brilliant
+days that produced Addison, and Swift, and Richard Steele, and our own
+great philosopher and humorist Benjamin Franklin. I used formerly to
+sympathize deeply with the poet's sentiment, so charmingly expressed,
+and in a certain way I do so still; but in the last decade, involving so
+much wandering, and so many inns of varied degrees of excellence, I have
+found that my sympathy with Shenstone's thought has undergone
+considerable modification. I should indeed sigh to think that I had
+found my warmest welcome at an inn; but I should hesitate to indorse any
+sentiment that would seem to underestimate the value of the
+whole-souled, genial character of Mine Host, as I have encountered him
+in all parts of the United States.
+
+While I cannot truthfully say that I think we Americans have a genius
+for hotel management, such as our cousins of Switzerland, for instance,
+appear to have, I can at least say that I believe we have a natural
+aptitude for a peculiarly delightful kind of spontaneous hospitality, of
+which I have been for years the grateful beneficiary. If a hotel were a
+thing of the spirit solely, I should say that the hostelries of the
+United States, taking them by and large, approximate perfection; but
+unfortunately one cannot impart tenderness to a steak with cordial
+smiles, freshness to an egg with a twinkling eye, or the essential
+properties of coffee to a boiled bean with a pleasant word; and if in
+the South and Middle West it were possible to sweep a room clean with a
+welcoming wave of the hand, and to set a mobilized entomology in full
+retreat with the fervor of an advance in friendliness, I should not
+think so often, perhaps, upon the possible duties of local Boards of
+Health in respect to the American hotel situation.
+
+I hasten to add, however, that this situation, hopeless as it at times
+appears to be, brings forcibly to my mind that ancient chestnut set
+forth in the sign in the Far Western church--
+
+    DON'T SHOOT THE ORGANIST:
+    HE IS DOING THE BEST HE CAN--
+
+for I verily believe that in nine cases out of ten the landlords of the
+nation are in point of fact doing the "best they can," and in many
+instances in the face of heart-breaking discouragement. They are
+themselves quite aware of their deficiencies, as was once clearly
+established in the inscription I saw in front of an Oklahoma caravansary
+as I passed through on the Katy-Flyer, to the following effect:
+
+    THE SALT AND TOOTHPICKS SERVED AT THE
+       SAINT JAMES ARE AS GOOD AS THOSE
+           AT ANY HOTEL IN AMERICA
+
+Our American communities, unfortunately, have not yet awakened to the
+economic fact that a good hotel is about as valuable an asset as a town
+can have. An enterprise that might very properly, and for the general
+good, be subsidized by the Board of Trade, or even by the town itself,
+is left to private initiative; usually with barren, if not bankrupting,
+results.
+
+New England is slowly awakening to this need, and within the last few
+years a number of fine hostelries have been established, with the
+backing of real civic interest, and under trained management; but very
+few of even the most progressive Western and Southern Communities seem
+as yet to have taken so vital a matter into consideration. They have
+good will and courtesy enough among them to run a thousand highly
+acceptable caravansaries, and I have sometimes wished that some of their
+individual qualities might in some way be engrafted upon our more
+sumptuous Eastern hotels, where one is able to get anything one is
+willing to pay for, except the feeling that somebody somewhere in the
+hotel is glad he came.
+
+[Illustration: "If it were possible to sweep a room clean with a
+welcoming wave of the hand--"]
+
+I do not know how many thousand library buildings our great Ironmaster
+has caused to be built in this country--and we who write books have
+cause to be grateful to him for having provided such rarely beautiful
+mausoleums for the final interment of our cherished productions--but I
+have often wished that his generous pursestrings had been loosened on
+behalf of hospitality, rather than exclusively for the perpetuation of
+current fiction and books of reference that nobody ever uses. Before the
+trusts are finally curbed I hope that one or two more swollen fortunes
+may be produced, and that the owners thereof may be inspired to carry
+the light of living into communities in need of something of the sort,
+by building hotels for them, in which clean rooms suitably aired, and
+good food properly cooked, may be provided for those who have to travel,
+and are so constituted that they cannot eat poetry, nor sleep
+comfortably between the sheets of the lamented William James's
+incursions into pragmatic philosophy, dry as they unquestionably are.
+
+How next to impossible it is for our good landlords in certain sections
+of the land to conduct their business profitably was once brought to my
+attention by a little incident in a town not many leagues from Atlanta,
+Georgia. I found myself seated one evening at table opposite a traveling
+man of most marvelous gastronomic fortitude. For his supper he ordered
+cereal and cream, two fried eggs "done on both sides," some bacon, "a
+little of that steak," German fried potatoes, some baked beans, a bit of
+kippered herring, milk toast, preserved peaches, hot biscuit, sponge
+cake, and a cup of coffee. After the commissariat had responded
+faithfully, and the table had been duly decorated with the serried ranks
+of "bird-bath" dishes containing the bulk of the enumerated edibles, a
+third party arrived, and an old friendship between himself and my
+vis-à-vis was renewed.
+
+"Well, Tommy, old man, it's ninety-seven moons since I saw you last!
+How's things?" said the newcomer.
+
+"Oh--pretty good," said my vis-à-vis wearily. "Business is good enough;
+but I _ain't feelin' very well myself_."
+
+"What's the trouble--caught cold?" asked the newcomer.
+
+"No," said the other. "I'm just feelin' sort o' mean--_my stummick don't
+seem just right. I guess I been workin' too hard_."
+
+"You'd ought to eat milk toast," said the new arrival.
+
+"Yes," said Tommy. "_I've ordered some._"
+
+At this point the waitress came up for the newcomer's order.
+
+"I'm too tired to order, Jennie," said he. "Just you bring me the same
+as he has, and see that the buckwheats are hot."
+
+"_Gee! Buckwheats!_" cried Tommy. "_I didn't know there was
+buckwheats--bring me a stack of 'em too, Jennie!_"
+
+[Illustration: "Cannot sleep comfortably between the sheets of William
+James's pragmatic philosophy, dry as they are."]
+
+And all of this was on the American plan, at the rate of two dollars
+for three meals and a night's lodging! I am afraid my friend of the
+uncertain digestive organs belonged to the same gastronomic school as a
+famous war correspondent I met at my club many years ago. He was an
+Englishman, and was delightfully enthusiastic about everything he had
+found in America except our hotels.
+
+"And even they wouldn't be so bad," said he, "if it wasn't for that
+beastly American plan upon which they're run. Why, out in San Francisco
+I actually had to eat and eat and eat until I was positively ill, to get
+ahead of the game!"
+
+Traveling Americans are inclined to criticize the hotels of foreign
+countries for their lack of bathroom facilities, and I recall an
+occasion in Rome some years ago when I found the act of taking a dip in
+the one bathroom the hotel provided almost as formal a function as a
+presentation at the Vatican, involving a series of escorts from my room
+to the dark little hole on an upper floor where the tub was kept, far
+greater in number than those involved in my progress from the American
+college to the papal presence.
+
+Indeed, the only occasion I can recall when in a foreign country I was
+able to get a bath without encountering all sorts of obstacles was also
+in Rome, four years ago, when I endeavored to order a bottle of mineral
+water in my choicest Italian, and got a bath instead, the whiskered male
+chambermaid of whom I ordered it having little familiarity with his own
+tongue as "she was spoke" by an American.
+
+But precisely similar conditions exist in this country. An eminent
+singer in one of his famous poems lamented the difficulty of getting the
+Time, the Place, and the Girl together; but if he had ever gone on the
+Chautauqua circuit in this land I fear he would have written also of the
+well nigh impossible operation of getting the Time, the Place, and the
+Tub together; and I may add that I wish a law might be passed requiring
+hotels that do provide bathing facilities to supply also at least one
+towel that is visible to the naked eye.
+
+The story of the man who asked an Indiana hotel clerk to "give" him "a
+room and a bath," to be greeted by the instant response, "_We'll give
+you the room; but you'll have to wash yourself_," contains quite as much
+truth as humor. I had to forego my dip in a Southern hotel on one
+morning because "_the last feller that took a bath here run off with
+the key to the door_," and then on the following morning when the
+bathroom door had been forced open I found the tub constructed of tiles,
+with a lush growth of morning glory vines sprouting up between them.
+When in an Ohio hotel several years ago, having insisted upon a room
+with a bath, I found the latter in a dark cubbyhole whose doors and
+windows had evidently not been opened for months. Atmospherically
+speaking, the Black Hole of Calcutta was a thing of sweetness and light
+compared to it. Nearly suffocated, I struggled with the frosted-glass
+window at one side of the cell for several minutes, and finally with a
+supreme effort got it up: only to find that it _opened on an inner
+corridor of the hotel_.
+
+And be it recorded that the heating facilities are quite on a par with
+these. The heating apparatus of most hotels is either missing
+altogether, or terrifying in character. The latter sort is especially in
+evidence in the natural gas regions, where that useful commodity is used
+with an airy carelessness that inspires dreadful forebodings.
+
+I shall never forget my first introduction to natural gas as a heating
+proposition. It was in an historic edifice in Ohio, which I shall not
+name; for it has already been sufficiently advertised by its "loving
+friends." Suffice it to say that by some strange oversight of Nature it
+still stands. To get to my room, in the first place I was compelled to
+rise several flights in an elevator whose lift was as uncertain as its
+years, and then with the aid of a hallboy to thread an intricate maze of
+interlocking corridors alongside of which the Dedalian Labyrinth was
+simplicity itself. Arrived finally in the room assigned to me, I found
+it dark, damp, and cold.
+
+"How about a little heat here, Son?" said I, appealing to the hallboy.
+
+"Sure!" said he.
+
+The boy faded into the gloom of the far end of the room, leaned over,
+and tugged away vigorously for a few moments on a screw in the
+baseboard, and then standing back about two feet he began to bombard the
+wall with lighted matches--the kind which light only on the seat of a
+bellboy's trousers. I shall not attempt to say how many of these he lit
+and threw at the wall before anything happened. It seemed to be an
+appalling number, and considering the manifest inflammability of the
+building, and the height of my room from the ground, it made me very
+nervous.
+
+"What the dickens are you doing?" said I.
+
+But there was neither time nor need for his answer. One well projected
+match seemed to hit the particular bullseye he was aiming at. There came
+a boom and a flash, and in a second I saw a half-dozen sizable flames
+creeping upward from the floor to a point about breast high on the wall,
+where by some strange miracle the conflagration stopped.
+
+"Nacheril gas!" said the boy, with a grin, as he departed.
+
+It had been my intention to remain overnight in that city; but when I
+realized that that same process was probably going on in at least a
+dozen other apartments, above, beside, and below me, I suddenly decided
+to return to New York on the night train. I will take my chances on the
+future life; but while I live, breathe, and have my being upon this
+terrestrial orb I believe in getting fire risks down to their lowest
+reducible minimum by adopting a policy of complete avoidance.
+
+Our clever newspaper humorists have made a good deal of capital out of
+the haughty hotel clerk with the diamond stud; but I must confess that
+I have never yet encountered this individual in the wide swath of my
+wanderings. Save in one or two places, I have found on the contrary a
+genial solicitude for my welfare, wholly undecorated as to
+shirt-front--often indeed without the shirt-front itself--which has more
+than offset such shortcomings as were characteristic of the inns over
+whose desks they presided.
+
+On one occasion in Indianapolis I encountered what seemed at first to be
+a heartless lack of appreciation and cordial recognition on my arrival;
+but it was more than compensated for in the end, and I should add was
+rather the result of a too high expectation on my own part than the
+fault of the man behind the register. I had long wished to visit
+Indianapolis, largely because of its national reputation as a literary
+center. A State that has produced so many authors of high distinction as
+have come out of Indiana, with her General Lew Wallace, her James
+Whitcomb Riley, Charles Major, Meredith Nicholson, George Ade, Booth
+Tarkington, and those two purveyors of wholesome fiction and good, clean
+humor, the McCutcheon brothers, is entitled to some of the laureled
+interest of a literary Mecca, and I registered at the Claypool in my
+boldest hand, quietly and confidently expecting some immediate
+recognition, such as a not altogether unknown worker on the slopes of
+Parnassus might expect to receive on arriving at Olympus.
+
+The room clerk whisked the register round and studied the inscription
+for a moment. "What's that--Boggs?" he inquired.
+
+"No," said I, my crest falling a bit, "Bangs--John Ken--"
+
+"Oh," said he, bringing his hand down heavily on the bell. "Front, show
+this gentleman to number three hundred and nine."
+
+He tossed a key to the bellboy, which the latter caught with the
+dexterity of a Buck Ewing, the prize catcher in the ball games of my
+young manhood, and holding my diminished head as high as I could I
+followed him to the elevator, devoutly wishing that Riley or Ade might
+happen in and fall upon my neck, and show that low-browed room clerk a
+thing or two he wouldn't forget in a hurry.
+
+And then came a sort of _amende honorable_. Scarcely had I got settled
+in number three hundred and nine when a second bellboy arrived, bearing
+a note addressed to "Mr. John Henry Banks," neatly typewritten, and
+reading as follows:
+
+     DEAR SIR,--If you wish a table for the display of your samples and
+     a plug key for the protection of the same, please apply at the
+     office.
+                           Respectfully,               THE CLAYPOOL.
+
+It was a salutary experience, and in my subsequent visits to the Athens
+of America I have approached it in an appropriate spirit of humility and
+respect. And philosophically I have tried to comfort myself with the
+thought that after all it would not be very surprising if a scuttleful
+of coal arriving at Newcastle were to find its coming a matter of small
+importance to those good people who dig that useful commodity out of the
+bowels of the earth at the rate of ten carloads a minute. Why should a
+mere writer of books arriving at Indianapolis expect to create any
+special commotion, when it is a well known fact that you could not
+possibly heave a brick in any direction in that charming city without
+hitting an author?
+
+I think that for sheer originality in his craft, as well as for his
+human interest, I must award the palm among innkeepers I have met to a
+vigorous old fellow who either ran, or was run by, a hotel I once
+visited in South Dakota. He was known to most people as "Conk": not
+because of the rather hard shell one had to penetrate to get at him, but
+because it was the first syllable of his last name.
+
+His hotel was a two-story brick structure, sadly in need of a Noachian
+Deluge for its preliminary renovation, and built upon the pleasing lines
+of an infant penitentiary. This illusion was faithfully carried out by
+the rooms within, which had many of the physical qualities of the cells
+of commerce. The hotel had a dining room; but Conk had given up serving
+meals therein, and had also as far as I could observe abandoned
+everything else in the way of service as well.
+
+My Muse and I arrived several hours before dawn, and after wandering
+hand in hand for twenty or thirty minutes along invisible highways
+reached the edifice. We registered, and were ushered to a pigeonhole on
+the second tier by a large, yellow-haired youth, who was trying to keep
+awake and mop up the office floor simultaneously, succeeding only
+indifferently in both operations. The particular cell set apart for our
+accommodation was lit by a half-candlepower bulb with a pronounced
+flicker, which shed a dim, religious light upon a walled-in space about
+ten feet square. In this there was a double bed, a nondescript piece of
+furniture which suggested a collision between a washstand and a bureau,
+a rocking chair that refused to rock, and a cane-bottomed arrangement of
+perilous spindles that wouldn't do anything else. After I had disposed
+of our two suitcases and my typewriting machine the only solution of
+another difficulty that immediately arose was to leave our feet out in
+the hall.
+
+As soon as I noted the rather limited character of our accommodations I
+repaired below, to see if there was not available something a trifle
+more roomy: to find only the satisfaction involved in the contemplation
+of the tow-headed six-footer lying asleep on a bench exchanging dreamy
+nothings with his mop, which he held hugged tight to his breast. With
+persistent effort I might have awakened the mop; but the tow-headed
+youth was too far gone into the land of dreams to be recalled by
+anything short of a universal cataclysm. I therefore crept sadly up the
+stairs to our cell, and we reclined on the double bed until dawn, at
+which time the merciful providence of the half-candlepower bulb was
+completely revealed unto us; for if we had been able to see that bed in
+its dim light no power on earth, not all the mobilized armies of the
+world could have induced us to lie down upon it.
+
+An hour later we breakfasted on ham and eggs at a stand-up all-night
+lunch counter which we located after much wandering, and then, returning
+to the hotel, Brother Conk in all his muscular majesty dawned upon the
+horizon of my life. I can best describe him by saying that whatever he
+might do in action, a camera fiend would have found in him a perfect
+model for a snapshot of the long-looked-for White Hope. He was huge and
+indescribably red. His name should have been Rufus, and the hand of Esau
+was a smoothly shaven thing alongside of the Conkian fist. He had a
+penetrating, yet rolling eye that would have subjugated a Kaiser with a
+single glance. He was scrutinizing his fingernails as we entered his
+presence, and in view of my supreme ambition to remain a hero always in
+the eyes of my Muse I saw her safely deposited in our hermetically
+sealed receiving vault above before venturing to address the gentleman.
+This done, I started in to pay my respects to Mine Host.
+
+"I don't suppose you could let us have a larger room," said I
+tentatively, my words coming with a husky falter.
+
+"I dunno what room ya got," was the gruff response, one of the rolling
+eyes settling full upon both of mine.
+
+"We're in nun-number thirty-two," I ventured meekly.
+
+"Well, thirty-three's an inch and a half wider," said he, biting off a
+hang nail. "Ya can move inta that if ya wanta."
+
+It hardly seemed worth while, and considering that in respect to matters
+other than its size, or lack of it, we already knew the worst as to
+thirty-two, we left thirty-three unvisited on the principle that
+
+    --makes us rather bear those ills we have
+    Than fly to others that we know not of.
+
+There were enough wings loose in number thirty-two to enable us to fly
+anywhere on the face of the earth; but we decided not to avail ourselves
+of them.
+
+"Never mind, my dear," said I. "Sufferance is the badge of all our
+tribe."
+
+And the Only Muse merely laughed, and with feminine exaggeration
+comforted me with the assurance that "it might be worse." I suppose it
+might have been; though I don't know how. Anyhow I sat down on the
+rockless rocker, drew an overdraft on the bank of cheer, and proceeded
+to read aloud that fine story of Fiona Macleod's about the good old
+North Countryman who every morning walked out upon his breezy headland
+and "took off his hat to the beauty of the world."
+
+Later in the day the chairman of the lecture committee called to pay his
+respects, and in the course of our conversation I told him of my
+experience with Conk.
+
+"I congratulate you most heartily," said he, laughing. "You came off
+rather better than an exchange professor from Germany who came out here
+last year to give a course of lectures at our agricultural college. He
+asked Conk in his pleasant German way for more spacious quarters, and
+Conk's answer was, '_Sure I can give ya more space_.' And taking the
+professor's suitcase in one hand, and the professor in the other, he
+rushed them both to the front door, threw the suitcase out into the
+street, and, pushing the professor gently out after it, remarked,
+'_There--I guess there's room, enough for ya out there_.'"
+
+Whether the chairman was a mind reader or not I do not know; but I do
+know that in response to my telepathic calls for help he turned to the
+Only Muse and suggested that in view of certain possibilities which
+might incapacitate me from filling my engagement at the lecture hall
+that night we had much better move over to his house, where we would
+find a warm welcome.
+
+"That's fine!" said I, rising with alacrity. "Just you take her over
+with you now, and I'll see Conk, and pay my bill, and come over as soon
+as I can with our luggage."
+
+The plan was promptly carried out, and after seeing the Only Muse safely
+on her way to other quarters I went to number thirty-two, gathered up
+our traps, and with trepidation in my soul approached the landlord. This
+time I found him sitting in the office, before the window, staring
+Nature out of countenance.
+
+"Well, Mr. Landlord," I said, as affably as I knew how, "I--I've come
+to--to settle up. It seems we were expected to stay with Dr. and Mrs.
+Soandso. We--er--we didn't know it when we arrived--and I--I'm sorry to
+leave you; but--er--but of course--"
+
+"_Thank God!_" the landlord returned explosively, rising and seizing my
+hand in a viselike grip that even to remember two years later causes me
+anguish. "That's the first good news I've had to-day. I been running
+this blankety blank blank joint for seven years now, and it's cost me
+over thirty thousand dollars already, and every time I see a blinkety
+blank blank boarder come in through that front door it makes me so
+dashed sick that I feel like nailin' the blankety blank door up so tight
+old Beelzybub himself'd have to come down through the chimbley to get
+inside!"
+
+It was at this point that Conk and I parted company at the beginning of
+what I am inclined to think might have ripened into a lifelong
+friendship. _I had got his point of view!_ Strange as his conception of
+hospitality seemed superficially to be, there was reason in him, and I
+began to perceive that he had some mighty good points. Frankness was one
+of them, and gratitude, and one of the incidents of his career as
+narrated to me later by one of his neighbors was convincing proof that,
+in sporting parlance, the old fellow was a good loser.
+
+It seems that a certain traveling man of great nerve force stopped
+overnight some years ago with Conk, probably occupying number
+thirty-two. It was a fearfully hot night, and the room became unbearably
+stuffy. For a long time the suffering guest strove to open the window,
+but without results. Prayer, condemnation, muscular force, all alike
+were powerless to move it. Finally in desperation the unhappy visitor
+threw on his dressing robe, and stalked down to the office to make
+complaint.
+
+"It's hotter than Tophet in that room of mine," he protested, "and I've
+been monkeying with that dod-gasted window of yours for the last hour,
+and the dinged thing won't give an inch!"
+
+"Well, if ya can't move it, why in Dothan dontcha kick it out?" retorted
+Conk coldly.
+
+"All right, I will," said the guest, returning to the furnace above.
+
+And he did. Glass, frame, and sash were kicked with all the power of an
+angry man into a mass of wreckage never again to be redeemed.
+
+"Well," said the guest the following morning, as he started to leave for
+the station, "what's the tax? What do I owe you?"
+
+"_Not a blamed cent!_" gruffed Conk. "You're the first son of a sea
+cook that's ever had the nerve to call my bluff, and _by Henry you don't
+pay a nickel into my till except over my dead body_!"
+
+If I have seemed in any wise severe in my treatment of Conk in this
+tribute to his memory, I am sorry. The material facts could hardly be
+glossed over; but as for the man himself I am truly glad to have met
+him. I wouldn't have missed him for a farm. He was not much of a
+Chesterfield; but he had his own ways, and they gave me a thrill. The
+joyous, almost grateful courtesy with which he put me out of his front
+door was a thing to remember, and I in turn am everlastingly grateful to
+him for letting me out on the ground floor instead of seizing me by the
+left leg and dragging me up through the skylight, and throwing me off
+the roof. He could have done it easily, and I am sure it was only the
+intrinsic, if considerably latent, nobility of his soul that restrained
+the impulse to do so that I am confident he felt.
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+PERILS OF THE PLATFORM
+
+
+"Yours must be an extra hazardous occupation," said a chance
+acquaintance on a little trip through Ohio last year. "Do you carry any
+insurance?"
+
+"Yes," said I. "I have an excellent accident insurance policy, and it is
+a great comfort. Sometimes on dark nights when I am suddenly awakened by
+some catastrophic quivering of my berth, as if a young earthquake had
+come aboard, and realize that the train has probably left the track, and
+is traveling ahead at a mile-a-minute clip over the rocky bed of some
+mountain stream, it is a real pleasure to me to foot up the sum total of
+the affluence that will be mine if we fail to strike a switch somewhere
+that will get us back on the main line again."
+
+"Affluence is good," said he; "but it won't be yours--not if you break
+your neck."
+
+"Oh, I never think of that," said I. "I think only of the possibility of
+injuries, and from that point of view the accident insurance policy is a
+joy forever. It makes you think so well of yourself, and as you lie off
+in your berth figuring on two legs and a couple of arms at five thousand
+dollars apiece, twenty toes and fingers at two hundred and fifty a
+digit, with your neck valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, you begin
+to feel that a man isn't such a worthless creature after all. I suppose
+even my nose is worth something."
+
+"Great Scott!" he ejaculated. "Do toes and fingers come as high as
+that?"
+
+"They do," said I. "I've carried a policy assuring me a market for them
+at that rate for the last five years, and if I lose them in a railway
+smash-up, in a taxicab, in a trolley, or in a public elevator somewhere,
+the quotation doubles. Under certain contingencies my fingers and toes
+have a market value of ten thousand dollars."
+
+"Heavens!" he cried. "_Have you ever had any luck?_"
+
+From his point of view I presume I have not had any "luck"; but I am
+content, satisfied, and even grateful that so far the exigencies of
+travel have not required me to collect anything on my policy, or
+compelled me to sacrifice any of my digital collateral even at what seem
+to be par or premium prices.
+
+But my friend was not altogether wrong in regarding the occupation of an
+itinerant lyceumite as a hazardous one. If one were to conjure up a
+picture of the gods of evil shooting darts at human targets, one might
+think that, a moving object being harder to hit than one that is
+definitely fixed, the former would prove a better risk than the latter;
+but it is one of the paradoxes of life that this is not the case, unless
+of course the sniping fates are better sharpshooters than professional
+artillerists.
+
+The possibilities of accident to one who is constantly moving from
+pillar to post on American railways, many of them starved to death in
+the name of Progress, and unable to maintain an equipment that is even
+moderately safe; on steamboat lines many of whose vessels are little
+more than resin-soaked tinderboxes, over-crowded with pipe and cigarette
+smokers, and speeding through fog-bound waters at night as though the
+Evil One himself were just astern in pursuit of the Captain; sleeping
+in hotels constructed of Georgia pine, on mattresses stuffed with
+excelsior, with matches that, like flies, will light on anything in
+sight, strewn about on every side,--well, to commute this sentence, the
+possibilities of accident to such a one are of such a sort that "age
+cannot wither nor custom stale their infinite variety."
+
+And as for the lecture halls, one now and then encounters a place where
+it seems as though it were a vain-glorious tempting of fate to enter it.
+I recall one marvelous hall in one of the most cultured sections of New
+England, in a town not more than seventy-five miles from Boston, the
+home of one of America's most famous schools, and the capital of a State
+that has produced men of worldwide eminence, which in any Court of
+Commonsense would have been indicted as a menace to the public welfare.
+It was reached by a climb of two flights of stairs, the first scarcely
+wide enough for two people to walk up abreast, and the second rising
+from the end of a dimly lighted corridor up six steps to a landing
+whence ran on each side two other sections of four or five steps each to
+a second landing, with still a third turn and another climb before the
+auditorium floor was reached; and all this in an ordinary brick
+building, erected long before fireproof construction was even thought
+of.
+
+My lecture in this architectural device of Beelzebub was delivered
+before an audience of four hundred people, just one week after the
+terrible disaster at Boyerstown, Pennsylvania, in which I know not how
+many lives were lost in a fire started by the explosion of a
+cinematograph machine. As I stepped upon the stage I inquired of my
+escort if there were any fire escapes on the building, and was informed
+that a huge iron door at the rear of the stage opened upon one. I was
+moderately relieved until I tried to open the iron door, only to find it
+locked--_and the janitor had left the key at home!_ I may add that if my
+memory serves me correctly--and it does--this ingeniously designed
+atrocity was pleasantly and appropriately known as Phenix Hall. _Absit
+omen!_
+
+In the main, however, the lecture halls of America are rather fine
+affairs. In the State of New York and on the other side of the
+Mississippi River I have found splendid auditoriums, acoustically
+perfect, well ventilated, and as nearly safe as human ingenuity can make
+them. The high schools of New York and Massachusetts, and the
+flourishing educational institutions of the West, have set a pace which
+other communities would do well to follow: not so much for the sake of
+the itinerant platformist as for the "safety, honor, and welfare" of
+their own sons and daughters. In Houston, Texas, where there is a
+municipally owned free lecture and music course on Sunday afternoons,
+beginning in October and running through to May, is one of the finest
+auditoriums I have ever seen anywhere. It seats in comfort and safety an
+audience of eight thousand, and neither New York, Boston, Philadelphia,
+nor even Chicago, has anything comparable to it.
+
+I have indeed had luck according to my own conception of it, on trains
+traveled on, and in respect to trains missed as well. I have been in two
+railway smash-ups, in the first of which the car behind mine was
+overturned and reduced to kindling in the twinkling of an eye, and
+miraculously without serious injury to any one; and in the other the
+engine directly in front of the car in which I was sitting, having
+endeavored to jump a frozen switch, succeeded only in landing upon its
+own back, leaving my car teetering to and fro for a moment as if
+undecided whether to roll down an embankment, or to remain poised on its
+offside wheels like a ballet girl balanced upon one tangoing toe. If the
+gentleman who sat beside me on that occasion had shifted his chewing gum
+to the other side, I think we should have gone plunging down that
+embankment into the river; but fortunately he was too paralyzed with
+fear even to do that, and we remained fixed, safe as ever was the
+intrepid Blondin when he essayed to walk across Niagara Falls on his
+slack wire.
+
+As for the trains missed, it was only an over-prolonged discussion of
+the mysteries of golf between myself and a past-master of putting at
+Haverhill, Massachusetts, which caused me to miss by ten seconds a
+section of the Portland Express to New York that five hours later landed
+in a ditch somewhere in Connecticut.
+
+In respect to perils by water there are the steamboat perils, and those
+more insidious dangers that come from too free indulgence in the only
+kind of beverage the wise platformist dares adopt as a steady tipple.
+These latter perils I have tried to reduce to a minimum by having a
+billion and a half typhus germs mobilized within to patrol my system,
+so that any skulking bacilli seeking to spread revolutionary ideas in my
+midst, and gaining admittance thereto through my taste for ice water,
+will be seized and duly throttled ere they have time to lay the
+foundation for an effective propaganda.
+
+[Illustration: "If he had shifted his chewing gum to the other side, we
+should have plunged into the river."]
+
+But there is no inoculation against the perils of steamboats; although I
+have been in imminent danger only once in this way, and in its ultimate
+results even that was far more amusing than terrifying. I was on my way
+to Boston by the Fall River boat when the incident occurred. The night
+was foggy, and I retired early. The faithful craft kept steadily on her
+way, feeling her path through the dark waters of the sound. I slept only
+fitfully until midnight, when weary Nature at last asserted herself, and
+I fell into a profound slumber. At four in the morning, however, I was
+awakened rudely by a fierce shriek of the whistle, a seemingly quick
+reversal of the engines, a very decided shock as of an impact with some
+heavy body, followed by a grinding sound, and much shouting.
+
+I sprang from my berth, and glancing out of the window could see nothing
+but grimly gray fog. It was the work of a moment to jump into my shoes
+and bathrobe, and go speeding out into the main saloon.
+
+"Any danger, Porter?" I inquired of a wide-awake gentleman of color, who
+was leaning over the stair-railing.
+
+"_Not unless yo' goes asho', Kuhnnel_," he replied with a grin. "_Dis is
+Newport._"
+
+But there are perils other than these which must be taken into account
+in reckoning up the hazards of the profession--or perhaps in view of the
+eternity of the chase it were better called a pursuit. They include
+exposure to almost every kind of catastrophe mentioned in the Litany,
+from battle, murder, and sudden death, through hunger and thirst, to the
+tapering point of mere necessity and tribulation.
+
+I have nearly starved with teeming granaries on every side of me. Once
+in a delightful mid-New York community which I have since revisited and
+come to hold in affection, I found myself after a long, tedious, and
+foodless journey at a hotel where the table was frankly impossible. I
+arrived late, and out of an ample bill of fare there was nothing left
+but a few scraps of preserved fish, and not very well preserved at that.
+If fish could be personified, this particular bit of piscatorial
+cussedness might have passed as the Rip Van Winkle of the Sea, so long
+had it evidently been since it left its home in the depths. The merest
+glance at it filled the eye with visions of serried ranks of ptomaines,
+armed cap-à-pie for trouble. It waved the red flag of digestive anarchy
+from the end of every bone and fin, and fortunately for me the very
+pungency of its aroma took care of my hunger for the moment. One sniff
+appeased my appetite for any kind of food.
+
+Later, when the chairman of the committee called and invited me to take
+a drive with him about the town, even though I had had nothing to eat
+for nearly twelve hours, I accepted. At the end of our drive we stopped
+at the chairman's home, a delightfully comfortable, newly built house,
+which he had designed himself and of which he was justly proud. As we
+entered his dining room a natural association of ideas caused my
+appetite to return with renewed vigor, and I thought I saw a chance for
+at least one good meal that day.
+
+"By Jove, Doctor!" said I, "what a pretty room this is!" And then I
+added, with all the pathos I could put into my voice, "You don't know
+what a joy it is to get a glimpse now and then of a real home dining
+room after eating day after day in some of these fearful country hotels.
+I don't want to seem unduly critical, but really I got the worst dinner
+at the Blithers House to-day that I've ever had." And I stood expectant.
+
+"Well," he said reflectively, "_you'll get a worse supper_!"
+
+And lo, it was so.
+
+A similarly distressing moment one morning out in Montana once brought
+me a more satisfactory tribute. My train was hours late, and no
+preparations had been made by the usually considerate management of the
+Northern Pacific Railroad for the refreshment of the inner man. There
+was neither diner nor buffet on the train, and as the morning wore on
+toward noon I became famished to the extent of positive pain and general
+giddiness. To my supreme relief, however, along about half-past eleven
+o'clock the train drew into the little station of Livingston, where
+connections are made by travelers to the Yellowstone. As we drew slowly
+in the welcome sign of "LUNCH ROOM" greeted my vision; but the train did
+not stop until we had passed the sign by at least a hundred yards.
+Finally when we came to a standstill I rushed to the rear platform of
+the train, and was about to jump off when the conductor intervened.
+
+"Where are you going?" he asked.
+
+"For food," said I. "I'm nearly dead for a cup of coffee."
+
+"We're not going to stop any time," said he, with a glance at his watch.
+"We're seven hours late as it is."
+
+"Oh, come now, Conductor!" said I. "Five minutes more isn't going to
+hurt anybody--"
+
+"All right," said he, "go ahead. Only when you hear the whistle blow
+don't lose a minute, hungry or no hungry."
+
+With that understanding I sped to the lunch counter, and in a few
+moments had a roll and a steaming cup of coffee before me; but, alas for
+all human expectations! the coffee was so fearfully hot nothing but a
+salamander could have hoped to drink it with safety, and I had hardly
+taken one scalding sip of it when the whistle blew sharply. There was
+but one thing to do, and I did it. I poured the coffee into my saucer
+and drained as much as I could of it from that, thrust the roll into my
+pocket, and darted after the train, which had already begun to move
+slowly, conscious all the while of the soft thud of pattering feet, like
+those of the white rabbit in "Alice in Wonderland," behind me. I caught
+the train, seizing the rear platform rail with one hand, and when
+swinging myself on board was projected almost flat on my face by another
+passenger who suddenly developed like an infant battering ram at the
+rear. He was a little man, and his breath came in appropriate pants.
+Both completely winded, we gazed into each other's eyes.
+
+"Bub-beg pardon," he gasped. "I dud-didn't mean to bub-bump into you.
+Very grateful to you--yuh--you saved my life!"
+
+"Saved your life?" said I. "How so?"
+
+"Why," said he, "I was nearly gone for want of my coffee, and the stuff
+was so infernally hot I couldn't drink it, and then when I saw you
+pouring yours out into your saucer, I says to myself, '_Well, if a
+swell-lookin' guy like that kin do that, I kin,--an' b'gosh, I did!_"
+
+A not infrequent source of terror to the platform speaker, if not a real
+peril, is the small boy one encounters en route, singly and alone or in
+groups. I am glad to say that I have always delighted in him, and so
+far, despite the possibilities, none of my contacts with him has
+resulted disastrously; but, while nobody ever need mark him "FRAGILE,"
+it is none the less true that he should be handled with care, and kept
+right side up if possible, for the sake of the general comfort.
+
+One of these youngsters once gave me a supreme example of intrinsic
+honesty which I shall never forget. I met him on the evening of my
+lecture in the town of Everett, Massachusetts. I had somehow got the
+notion that Everett was farther afield from Boston than it really is,
+and starting early I arrived at the high school hall a full hour before
+the advertised time. The building was dark, and every door was locked;
+so that for some thirty or forty minutes I was compelled to pace the
+sidewalk in front of it, awaiting the arrival of somebody who could let
+me in. After several turns up and down the street I was accosted by a
+bright-faced little urchin who held a ticket for my lecture in his hand.
+
+"Want to buy a ticket for to-night's lecture, mister?" said he.
+
+"No, son," said I. "I've heard this lecture several times already, and I
+wouldn't go through it again for seven dollars."
+
+"Gee!" he ejaculated. "_If it's as bad as that, I guess I'd better tear
+this up._" And he destroyed the ticket on which he had doubtless
+expected to realize much soda-water money before my very eyes, and went
+whistling along upon his honest little way.
+
+Perhaps this little lad does not come properly under the head of
+Hazards; but in one of the larger cities of Arkansas I once came upon a
+group of boys who did, and they kept me in a state of trepidation for a
+goodly part of the evening. It happened that simultaneously with my
+arrival in town there arrived also a snowstorm that for that section of
+the country was a heavy one. Heavy or light, it brought with it enough
+snow to provide these forty-odd youngsters with the kind of occupation
+that all healthy-minded youngsters find to their taste--that of
+snow-balling passersby. When my motor arrived at the lecture hall the
+boys were on hand, and for two or three minutes the car was the object
+of a fierce fusillade of icy missiles that nearly put the chauffeur out
+of commission. The committee hustled me into the hall with no more
+damage than one rather slushy splosh of snow perilously close to my
+neck.
+
+"It's a shame, Mr. Bangs," said the chairman, "and I apologize. These
+boys aren't a bad lot; but they are irrepressible. I'd advise you to go
+slow with them to-night. They've broken up two lectures already."
+
+"Gracious!" said I. "Do they attend the lectures?"
+
+"Yes," said the chairman. "By arrangement with the school authorities
+they have the first two rows reserved for them free."
+
+And sure enough when I walked out upon the platform there they were, two
+solid rows of them, eying me like hungry birds of prey ready to pounce
+upon a particularly luscious morsel. I should have fled if flight had
+been possible; but it was not, and I looked forward to an hour and a
+half of trial. But as the chairman was introducing me an idea popped
+into my head which I am glad to say saved the day--or rather the night.
+Instead of my usual opening I addressed a few words to the boys.
+
+"It is an awful shame, my young friends," said I, "that the requirements
+of this lecture course and the necessities of my own engagements compel
+you and me to waste such a delightful evening as this indoors. I feel
+just as badly as you do about it; for while what few hairs I have are
+gray, I give you my word that I'd rather go into a good redhot snowball
+fight with you than listen to the finest lecture that was ever
+delivered. If I didn't have to go on to Memphis to-night, I'd ask the
+committee and the audience to postpone this lecture until the snow
+melts, so that I could show you what a corking shot I am at any old
+beaver hat, moving or fixed, that ever crowned a mortal head."
+
+The effect was instantaneous. A wave of enthusiasm swept over the lads,
+and the only interference I had from them during my talk was a somewhat
+too-ready inclination on their part to help me along with laughter and
+applause at points where tears and silence would have been more
+appropriate. Moreover, when at the close of my lecture I started with
+some reluctance to leave the hall, instead of the volley of arctic
+ammunition that I had expected, I found those youngsters lined up twenty
+on a side between the door and my motor with their hats off, forming a
+little alley of honor for me to tread, giving me three rousing cheers as
+I departed.
+
+From which somewhat trying experience I deduce that there is a good deal
+more latent courtesy in Young America than certain despairing critics
+of modern manners would have us believe. It may be that the reason why
+we do not find it oftener is that we do not ourselves give it the
+opportunity to express itself.
+
+I have spoken of our exposure to "battle, murder, and sudden death," and
+to some it may have seemed an exaggeration to claim anything of the sort
+as a platform peril; and yet there was one occasion upon which I was so
+uncomfortably tangent to such conditions that they seemed all too real.
+It was in one of our far western States. Scheduled to lecture there at
+eight P.M., my train did not reach the town until nine-forty-five. I had
+telegraphed news of my delay ahead, and my audience with rare courtesy
+had voted to remain at the hall until I arrived.
+
+I dressed on the train, and on descending from it was whisked to the
+opera house in a prehistoric hack, which shed one of its wheels en
+route, spilling the committee and myself into the road, but without
+damage; while my Only Muse went on to the hotel, a two-story affair,
+where she secured accommodations for the night. Later, on the conclusion
+of my talk, on my arrival at the hotel, I found the Muse sitting up in
+bed, pallid as a ghost, with a revolver at her side.
+
+[Illustration: "Laughter where tears would have been more appropriate."]
+
+"What on earth is the matter with you?" I demanded, more than startled
+at the sight.
+
+She hardly needed to answer; for almost as I spoke from a saloon located
+immediately underneath our room came the sharp crack of pistols.
+Somebody below there was engaged in the pleasing occupation of "shooting
+up" the place. Not having seen the plans and specifications of the
+hotel, I did not know how thick the floor was, or what were the
+prospects for a sudden eruption of bullets through the carpet. It was
+not any safer to venture out either; for there was no telling how far
+the trouble might spread. So I jumped into bed and trusted to a
+combination of Providence, floor, and hair mattress to hold me immune.
+The disturbance did not last long, however, and shortly after midnight
+all was quiet, and sleep came.
+
+Two hours later we were awakened by a snarling quarrel going on directly
+under our window. Two men were applying epithets of an uncomplimentary
+nature to each other, when suddenly one of them passed the bounds of
+even occidental toleration. He called the other a name that no
+right-minded man could be expected to stand, and we heard three sharp
+cracks of a revolver zipping out in the air. We sprang from the bed and
+rushed to the window, and there lying flat on his back, on a light fall
+of snow, in the glare of an electric lamp, was a man, with a gradually
+widening red spot staining the white of the road on which he lay. There
+was no sign of an assailant anywhere; but in a few moments, in absolute,
+almost ghostly silence, black figures appeared from seemingly
+everywhere, and bent over the fallen victim. We could hear low
+whisperings, and then suddenly one of the black figures detached himself
+from the group, and ran off down the street, returning shortly with a
+covered carriage. Into this the murdered man was placed, the carriage
+was driven off, the snow muffling the feet of the horses, the black
+figures vanished as silently as they had come, and all that was left of
+the tragedy was the red spot in the snow.
+
+We had heard tales of witnesses to similar disturbances being detained
+for months under surveillance, practically prisoners of the law, pending
+the trial of the guilty, and were in no mind to suffer a similar
+experience ourselves. Wherefore when morning came we rose with the first
+glimmer of dawn, packed our suitcases, and, asking no questions of
+anybody, departed for other scenes on the earliest milk train we could
+catch; which happened, fortunately, to be going in the right direction
+for us.
+
+Personally I have a horror of the Zeppelin and its powers to make
+things uncomfortable from its aërial thoroughfares; but as between it
+and the perils of being shot up from below by playful spirits in a
+frontier saloon I think I shall choose the Zeppelin if the choice must
+be made. At any rate, if either emergency should ever again enter into
+my life, I trust I shall have a bomb-proof roof overhead, or an
+armor-plated hair mattress underneath me; for I have no taste for a last
+end in which a coroner will be called upon to decide whether the victim
+of the affair was a mortal being, or a lifeless combination of porous
+plaster and human sieve.
+
+
+
+
+XIII
+
+EMBARRASSING MOMENTS
+
+
+I shall never forget the expression of serene immunity from care on the
+face of one of my editorial chiefs when some years ago I told him that I
+was very much embarrassed by certain arrangements he himself had made
+over my head. They were such arrangements as to make my position frankly
+impossible.
+
+"You have embarrassed me more than I care to say," said I.
+
+"Embarrassment is a sign of weakness," he replied calmly. "Don't ever be
+embarrassed."
+
+"But what can I do?" said I. "You have made these arrangements, and--"
+
+"Well, if I were you," said he, smiling, and putting considerable
+emphasis on the _you_, "rather than admit that anything under heaven
+embarrassed me I'd tell _me_ to go to the devil with my arrangements."
+
+I took him at his word. We both laughed, and the immediate awkwardness
+vanished. While I cannot truthfully say that telling him to "go to" was
+a wholly satisfactory ultimate solution of all our difficulties, I have
+as a matter of policy adopted that attitude toward troublesome things
+ever since, to the material advantage at least of my own peace of mind.
+I have found the philosophy involved a workable one, and more than
+helpful to me in the pursuit of my platform labors, especially that part
+of it involving the "laugh."
+
+It certainly rescued me from a deal of unhappiness over a wasted date a
+year or so ago in Michigan, for which I was in no sense to blame, and
+which, had the various parties been inclined to quarrel over misfortune,
+might have resulted in much unpleasantness.
+
+Following a Wednesday night engagement in mid-Ohio was a Thursday night
+in a more or less remote section of the Wolverine State. To reach the
+Thursday night scene of action I was required to rise at five o'clock in
+the morning and travel with one or two awkward changes of trains to Fort
+Wayne, going thence to Kalamazoo, and from there by a way train to the
+point in question. It was a long, tedious drive of a day, and when I
+reached Kalamazoo I unburdened myself vigorously to the Only Muse to the
+effect that if anybody, anywhere, would offer me a job as third
+assistant manager of a tolerably stationary peanut stand at two dollars
+a week, payable in deferred promises, I should consider the offer a most
+tempting one.
+
+My comfort was not at all enhanced by my discovery on reaching Kalamazoo
+that I had completely misread the timetables, and that instead of
+arriving at our destination at five in the afternoon, leaving me plenty
+of time for rest, refreshment, and change of clothes, the only possible
+train, even if it ran on time, could not get me through to the haven of
+my desires until five minutes before eight, with the lecture scheduled
+to begin at eight-fifteen. So I rested, refreshed, and dressed at
+Kalamazoo, and perforce traveled over the last stage of that wearisome
+journey in full evening dress, slowly but surely accumulating en route a
+sufficient supply of soot, cinders, grit, and other appurtenances of
+travel on a soft-coal, one-horse railroad, to make me appear like a
+masterpiece of spatterwork when I arrived at the farther end.
+
+By some odd mischance, never as yet satisfactorily accounted for, the
+train got through on time. The Only Muse and I hastily boarded an
+omnibus, and were whisked through the impenetrable depths of a dark
+night to the hotel, whence, after seeing her properly bestowed, I
+hastened to the Auditorium where the lecture was to be held. To my
+surprise when I got there I found the building wholly dark. There was
+not a sign of life anywhere about it. I banged, whacked, and thundered
+on the door like an invading artillery corps; but with no response of
+any sort. But a glance up the street a moment later relieved the
+pressure of my woe; for there my vision was cheered by a brilliantly
+lighted church.
+
+"Of course," I thought, "the Auditorium is too small to accommodate the
+audience, and they've changed over to the church."
+
+I glanced at my watch, and discovered that I had two minutes to spare. A
+goodly sprint brought me panting to the front door of the edifice, and
+with some unnecessary noise, perhaps due wholly to the impetuosity of my
+approach, I burst in upon the assembled multitude--to find, alas! that
+the very sizable audience gathered there with their heads bowed, and
+listening to an eloquent appeal for blessings desired by a gentleman
+wearing a long frock coat and a white necktie, were not for me. To my
+chagrin I soon learned that I had come within an ace of _breaking up_ a
+prayer meeting--if I may be allowed the use of such incongruous terms in
+the phrase. I backed out as gracefully as I could, and collided with a
+late comer.
+
+"Is there more than one Auditorium in town?" I whispered, after
+apologizing for my reactionary behavior.
+
+"Oh, yes," he replied politely, "there is the Auditorium, and the High
+School Auditorium."
+
+[Illustration: "I found the building wholly dark."]
+
+"Well, would you mind telling me where they are?" I queried.
+
+"That is the High School Auditorium up there," he said, pointing to the
+Egyptian darkness I had just left. "The other is three squares down,
+where you see all those electric lights."
+
+Whether I thanked the gentleman or not I do not know. I hope I did; but
+in the hurry of my departure I fear I seemed discourteous. Another
+speedy dash, which left me completely winded, brought me to the other
+Auditorium, and there in the full glare of an electric spotlight,
+assisted in its quest of publicity by a hoarse-tongued barker with a
+megaphone, I was confronted by a highly colored lithograph, showing a
+very pink Mabel, Queen of the Movies, standing before a very blue
+American soldier tied to a tree, shielding him from the bullets of a
+line of very green Mexicans, under the command of a very red villain,
+holding a very mauve sword in his very yellow hand, and bidding them to
+"Fire!" If I was expected to take any part in the thrilling episode that
+appeared to be going on inside, there was nothing in the chromatic
+advertising outside to indicate the fact; though I confess I was
+becoming painfully conscious of certain strong resemblances between my
+very breathless self and that very blue American trooper tied to the
+tree.
+
+"Excuse me," said I, addressing the barker, "but is there to be a
+lecture here to-night?"
+
+"Not so's anybody'd notice it," said he. "These is the movies."
+
+"Well--tell me--is there a lecture course of any kind in this town that
+you know of?" I asked.
+
+"Sure!" said he. "Miss So-and-So down at the library is runnin' a
+lecture stunt of some kind this year. You'll find the library on Main
+Street, opposite the hotel."
+
+Again, late as it was, the skies cleared, and I moved on to the library,
+completing the circuit of vast numbers of blocks to a point almost
+opposite the spot I had started from fifteen lifelong minutes before. I
+arrived in a state of active perspiration and suspended respiration that
+did not seem to promise much in the way of a successful delivery of my
+lecture that night. I hoped the Library Auditorium would not prove to be
+a large one; for in my disorganized condition I did not feel capable of
+projecting my voice even into the shallows, to say nothing of the
+sometimes unfathomable depths of endless tiers of seats. And my hope
+was realized; in fact it was more than realized, for there wasn't any
+Library Auditorium at all.
+
+The citizens of that town had a library that was devoted rather to good
+literature than to architectural splendor. Their books were housed in an
+ordinary shop, or store. It was deep, narrow, and bookishly cozy, and at
+the far end of it, seated at a generously large table, engaged in
+knitting, was a charming lady who glanced up from her needles as I
+approached.
+
+"Pardon my intrusion, madam," I panted, "but can you tell me where I can
+find Miss So-and-So?"
+
+"I am Miss So-and-So," she replied graciously.
+
+"Well," said I, "I am Mr. Bangs."
+
+Her knitting fell to the floor. "Why--Mr. Bangs!" she replied, with a
+gasp almost equal to my own. "I am very glad indeed to see you; but what
+are you doing here?"
+
+"I--I've come to lecture," I said weakly, almost pleadingly.
+
+"To lecture?" she echoed. "_Why, your lecture is not to be until a week
+from to-night!_"
+
+"Then I am afraid we shall have to get my astral body to work," said I;
+"for a week from to-night I shall be at Hiawatha, Kansas. How do you
+propose to have the lecture delivered--by long distance telephone, or
+parcels post?"
+
+We gazed into each other's eyes for a moment, and then--we both laughed.
+It seemed the only thing to do.
+
+Gallantry forbids my saying which of us had made the mistake under the
+terms of the written contract. Suffice it to say that two months later I
+returned to that good little town, and was received like a conquering
+hero by an audience that in its cordiality more than compensated me for
+the distressing effects of an "unlectured lecture."
+
+What promised to be a more serious complication occurred about a month
+later in Florida, where in pursuance of instructions from my Southern
+managers I arrived at Daytona on a Monday, to open the flourishing
+Chautauqua Course, which has become a permanent feature of life at that
+attractive Southern resort. The seriousness of the situation grew out of
+the quality of the genius and the nature of the popularity of the other
+individual involved, who was no less a personage than the Hon. William
+Jennings Bryan. Any minor star in the platform firmament who comes into
+collision with the planetary splendor of this Monarch of Modern
+Loquacity has about as much chance of escaping unscathed as a tallow-dip
+would have in a passage at arms with the sun itself.
+
+There is no escaping the fact that Mr. Bryan is the idol of the
+Chautauqua Circuit, and it is equally true that every bit of the success
+he has achieved therein he has earned many times over. I am not, never
+have been, and see no possibility of my ever becoming, a devotee of Mr.
+Bryan's political fortunes; but as a platform speaker he is far and away
+the most brilliant and likable personality in the public eye to-day. He
+is an expert in playing upon the emotions of an audience, large or
+small--preferably large--as ever was Dudley Buck in the manipulation of
+the keys and stops of an organ, and he can at will strike chords in the
+human heart as searchingly appealing as any produced by an Elman or a
+Kreisler on the violin, or a Paderewski at the piano.
+
+The keynotes of his platform work are a seeming sincerity and a magnetic
+humanness that are irresistible, and no individual who has ever listened
+to him in matters outside of political controversy, however reluctant
+to admit his greatness, has failed to fall beneath the winning spell of
+man, matter, and method. He is an interesting personality, and has a
+greater number of points of contact with the general run of humanity
+than any other public speaker of to-day. It is a stimulating thing to
+know that in this line of human endeavor he has got his reward in the
+assured position he holds in a movement at which it is the fashion in
+some uninformed and cynical quarters to sneer, but which in point of
+fact has had a supremely awakening effect upon the American people, and
+for which we are all of us the better off.
+
+"All of which," as a friend of mine once put it after I had expressed
+myself in similar terms concerning Mr. Bryan, "is some tribute for a
+narrow-minded, hide-bound, bigoted, old standpat, reactionary,
+antediluvian Republican to pay to a hated rival!"
+
+I was frankly appalled on arriving at Daytona to find the town placarded
+from end to end with posters announcing Mr. Bryan's appearance there
+that evening--my evening, as I had supposed it to be. I did not know
+exactly what to do. I knew perfectly well what would happen to me if it
+came to a hand-to-hand contest for possession of the stage. Physically,
+with Mr. Bryan and myself left to decide the matter for ourselves, after
+the fashion of a pair of bantam white hopes, I felt that I might have a
+fairly good chance to win out; for I am not altogether without brawn,
+and in the matter of handling a pair of boxing gloves am probably quite
+as expert as the late Secretary of State; but nobody outside of
+Matteawan would be so blind to commonsense as to expect an audience
+anywhere either to stand neutral or to indulge in a policy of "watchful
+waiting" with such a contest going on on the platform.
+
+My first impulse in the circumstances was to get out of town as quickly
+and as quietly as I could, and forget that there was such a place as
+Daytona on the map; but a careful scrutiny of my letter of instructions
+reassured me. The date, according to the supreme managers at Atlanta,
+was clearly mine, and I decided at least to go down with colors flying.
+I have never run from my own lithographs, and I saw no reason why I
+should flee from Mr. Bryan's. I got in touch with the local committee as
+soon as possible, and soon had at least the solace of companionship in
+my misery. They were as upset about it as I was.
+
+"But, Mr. Bangs," protested the chairman, almost with tears in his
+eyes--his voice was full of them--"you aren't due here until to-morrow
+night."
+
+"I don't see how that can be," I replied unfeelingly. "You know
+perfectly well that I am not twins, and only twins can appear in two
+places at once. I am to lecture at Miami to-morrow night."
+
+I handed the gentleman my letter of instructions, confirming my
+statement. It was all down in black and white.
+
+"It's a perfectly terrible situation," said the chairman, tears even
+springing from his brow, "and I'm blest if I know what to do!"
+
+"There is only one of three things to be done," said I. "The first is to
+let me sit in the audience to-night and listen to Mr. Bryan, collecting
+my fee on the ground that I have earned it by holding my tongue--which
+is some job for a man primed with unspoken words. The second is to let
+Mr. Bryan and myself go out on the platform and indulge in a lecture
+Marathon, he at one side of the stage, I at the other, talking
+simultaneously, the one that gets through first to get the gate money.
+The third and best is for you to telegraph Mr. Bryan and find out direct
+from him what his understanding is as to the date."
+
+The first or the last of the propositions would have suited me
+perfectly; for I should have been delighted to listen to Mr. Bryan
+whether I was paid for it or not--and most assuredly had Mr. Bryan
+himself laid claim to the date no power on this earth could have lured
+me into a dispute over its possession. I am too proud of this life to
+risk its uncertain tenure for the brief glory of an hour on a preëmpted
+platform.
+
+I am glad to say that before dusk the complication was cleared off; for,
+the third alternative having been accepted by the committee, Mr. Bryan
+was caught on the wire, and replied instantly to the effect that he was
+to lecture that night on some such subject as "The Curse of Wealth" at
+Palm Beach, where many sufferers from that particular blight are
+annually gathered together in large numbers. The skies immediately
+cleared, and I went out that night before a packed house, the unwitting
+beneficiary of widespread advertising on Mr. Bryan's behalf, and enjoyed
+myself very much; although as I sped along I could "spot" here and
+there in the audience individuals who, having come to hear Mr. Bryan,
+like Rachel weeping for her children, "refused to be comforted."
+
+My only lasting regret was that my contract did not call for the payment
+to me of fifty per cent. of the boxoffice receipts. I have no doubt
+there were people there that night who thought, and possibly still
+think, that I stole that audience. And perhaps I did; but I was no more
+responsible for the theft than was poor little Oliver Twist, who found
+himself at unexpected places at unlooked for hours through the efforts
+of those "higher up." I may add too in all sincerity that if Mr. Bryan
+himself feels, or felt, in any way aggrieved over what he might call my
+"unearned increment" in listeners, I will gladly exchange fees with him.
+I will unhesitatingly, at his request, and by return mail, send him my
+check for the full amount received by me on that somewhat nervous
+occasion if he will send me a postoffice order for the amount received
+by him the evening after.
+
+Embarrassments of a less poignant character frequently arise in the
+matter of unexpected calls for service, for which the public generally
+assumes the platform speaker to be necessarily always prepared, but for
+which as a matter of fact no amount of preparation could adequately fit
+any man built on the old-fashioned plan in respect to his nervous
+organization. One of these affairs came into my experience a decade ago,
+when, crossing the Atlantic Ocean on that high-rolling ocean greyhound,
+the _Lucania_, I was drafted by an overzealous committee of arrangements
+to preside over one of those impromptu entertainments got up on
+shipboard for the benefit of the widows and orphans of those who go down
+into the sea in ships. To these more than worthy enterprises gratitude
+for benefits received has always made me a willing contributor; but to
+participate in them has ever been a trial. I would rather lecture before
+the inmates of a deaf and dumb asylum with a sore thumb.
+
+The company aboard a transatlantic liner is always, to say the least,
+"mixed" in the matter of nationality; and, while one might be willing to
+"make a stab" at being witty before a gathering all English, all French,
+all German, or Pan-American, woe be unto him who vaingloriously attacks
+the risibles of a multitude made up of all these widely varying racial
+elements! Their standards of humor are as widely divergent as are their
+several racial strains, and one might as well try to sit on four stools
+at once with perfect composure as expect to find the "Chair" under such
+conditions comfortable. One has to acquiesce in such demands, however,
+or be set down as disagreeable, and when the committee approached me in
+the matter they received a much readier yes than I really wished to give
+them.
+
+The night came, and I found myself at the head table in the dining
+saloon working for dear life to keep the thing going. There was a pretty
+slim array of talent, and from one end of the program to the other there
+was nobody to hang a really good joke on, even if I had had one to hang.
+A chairman can always be facetious at the expense of distinguished
+people like Chauncey M. Depew, Henry James, or Mr. Caruso, and "get away
+with it"; but the obscure amateur cannot be handled with brutal
+impunity. I think I may say truthfully that no man ever worked harder at
+the pumps of a sinking ship than I did that night. And to make matters
+worse there was a heavy rolling sea on, and, while I never suffer from
+seasickness, the combination of motion and nerves made me uncomfortably
+conscious of an insurgent midst as I forged hopelessly ahead.
+
+Finally, however, there came a rift in the cloud of my despair. A
+pleasant little cockney ballad singer who was coming over to America for
+a season in vaudeville volunteered to sing a ballad. It was well sung,
+and most pathetic. It depicted in dramatic fashion the delirium of an
+old British veteran, who, as the hour of death approached him, was
+fighting over again in fancy the battles of his youth. The refrain of
+the ballad was _Bring me the old Martini, and I shall die in
+peace!_--referring of course to the rifle that for a period of years up
+to 1890 had been the official weapon of Tommy Atkins. I made the most of
+so obvious a lead, and before introducing the next number on the program
+thanked the singer for his dramatic rendering of so fine a story.
+
+"But, my friends," said I, "that ballad saddens me in more respects than
+one. I have long believed in international brotherhood. In common with
+my friend Conan Doyle and others who have advocated the hands stretched
+across the sea, I have been in sympathetic accord with the idea of
+universal brotherhood; but now and then certain little things crop up
+that, insignificant in themselves, show us none the less how radically
+far apart we really are. This splendid old British warrior calling for
+his Martini is a case in point, and I am sure my own compatriots here
+to-night at any rate will realize the vast gulfs of separation that
+exist between the Britons and ourselves when I ask them what they would
+bring to a dying American soldier, delirious or otherwise, if he were to
+call for a Martini."
+
+The point took with the Americans; but the others, charming Frenchmen,
+delightful Germans, cultivated Englishmen, stared at me in stolid
+silence, and one or two of them shook their heads as if bewildered. It
+was a hard situation, and I slammed the rest of the evening through
+without further attempts at playfulness, retiring to the seclusion that
+my cabin granted an hour later, resolved never again to serve as
+presiding elder at a vaudeville show either on land or sea.
+
+I felt almost as solemnly embarrassed as I did one evening in
+Pennsylvania, later, when my lecture was opened with prayer and I heard
+a good clergyman begging the Lord to "show His mercy upon the audience
+gathered here," to "protect them from all suffering, and in His
+infinite wisdom, if it were His will, to enable the speaker of the
+evening to rise to his opportunity."
+
+But there was an after result of that Martini jest which more than made
+up for the depression that followed its failure to strike home. I write
+of it, however, with some diffidence; for I am convinced that some
+reader somewhere will observe that the incident is only another
+variation of Senator Depew's famous tale of the Englishman who wanted to
+know what really was the matter with the mince pie. As a matter of fact
+it is the twin brother of that famous anecdote; but, while I am
+perfectly willing to think the Depew story really happened, I know that
+mine did, and I therefore record it.
+
+The morning following the impromptu concert I was pacing the deck of the
+steamer when one of the more distinguished passengers aboard, an English
+army officer, who occupied at that time, and still holds, an important
+post in British military circles, stopped me.
+
+"Mr. Bangs," he said, holding out his hand, "I want to thank you for a
+charming evening last night, and to express my admiration for the
+delightful way in which you carried off your difficult honors. It was
+really most interesting."
+
+"Thank you, General," said I. "That is very nice to hear. I thought it
+fell rather flat."
+
+"Not at all, not at all," he rejoined; "though, to speak quite frankly,
+there was one of your jests that I--I--I didn't really get. What humor
+you have, sir, I think I appreciate. During a period of convalescence in
+the Transvaal somebody sent me a copy of your 'House Boat on the Styx,'
+and I--I--I found it very amusing; but this joke last night--after the
+little chap had sung that ballad--about the dying veteran you know--it
+quite escaped me. Er--_what would they bring an American soldier who
+called for a Martini?_"
+
+"Well, General," said I, restraining an impulse to be amused, "I might
+explain, and explain and explain the point to you, giving you a chart in
+full detail, exploiting the theory of the thing as fully as possible,
+without satisfactory results. It is a case where an object lesson will
+demonstrate in a minute what no amount of abstract argument could convey
+in a year. If you will come with me into the smoking room, I'll show you
+exactly what nine out of ten people in America would give to a soldier
+crying aloud for a Martini."
+
+[Illustration: "But what was the point of this little joke last night?"]
+
+We repaired accordingly to the smoking room, and in response to my order
+the steward shortly placed two misty Martini cocktails before us.
+
+"There you are, General," said I, smiling, "that's what!"
+
+He gazed at the Martinis a moment, and then he fixed his handsome eyes
+on me. There was a merry twinkle in them, and after he had swallowed
+the object lesson he leaned over with a broad smile and spoke.
+
+"I am very much afraid, Mr. Bangs," said he, "that that idea you
+Americans have that we British are sometimes a trifle sluggish in our
+perception of the subtler points of an American jest, bristling as they
+often do with latent significance, is not altogether without
+justification. In order to show you how completely, how fully, I
+appreciate the excellence of your witticism I would suggest that _we
+have two more_."
+
+I draw no conclusions of an invidious nature from this little episode;
+for I recall with pain, and some contrition, an American audience in a
+prohibition section of one of our Eastern States before whom I had the
+hardihood to tell that story on a hot summer night three years ago, only
+one of whose six hundred members saw the point, and he didn't dare laugh
+for fear that by doing so he might risk his reputation for sobriety--or
+so he informed me for my consolation later in the evening as he and I
+zig-zagged together down an ice-covered mountain-road to the railway
+station in a rattling motor car driven by a chauffeur who had apparently
+confounded his own stomach with the gasoline tank.
+
+
+
+
+XIV
+
+"SLINGS AND ARROWS"
+
+
+One's democracy receives a pretty severe test on the road, and I am
+indeed sorry for the man who is always so solicitous for his own dignity
+that the free and easy habits of the American of Today affront him. The
+lecture platform is no place for what Doctor Johnson's friend Richard
+Savage would doubtless in these days have characterized as "the tenth
+transmitter of a foolish pride."
+
+A people like ours, made up of a hundred million sovereigns, and
+actuated for the most part, in their social intercourse at least,
+by a spirit of fraternity, mixed with a very decided inclination
+to be facetious, forms a somewhat bristling environment for the
+supersensitively self-centered. If such a one contemplates the invasion
+of the lyceum territory, as a friend and brother let me advise him to
+spend at least a year in some social settlement where he may be
+inoculated with sundry useful social germs, as a preventive of much
+misery ahead. He must get used to much familiarity of a sudden sort, and
+realize fully that our American world, while it respects ability, and
+withholds from it no atom of its due appreciation, is in no particular a
+respecter of mere persons.
+
+In respect to "having to be shown" we are by a large majority "from
+Missouri," and it will never do for the lyceumite to try to hedge
+himself about with any fences of false dignity. The palings of those
+fences may be sharp, and connected with barbed wire; but the American
+citizens of the hour walk through them, or vault them, as easily as if
+they were not there. And it is all very harmless too; for no man's real
+dignity has ever yet suffered from any assaults other than his own.
+
+I recall an incident of my travels in the Dakotas some years ago that
+brought this situation home to me very vividly. I was on my way to a
+county seat in one of those vast twin commonwealths on a rather sluggish
+way train, and found among my fellow travelers three very live human
+beings who had apparently just met after a long separation. One of them
+was a rather stout little man, with a fresh, boyish face; another was a
+tall and spare ferret-eyed individual who might have posed as an
+acceptable model for a picture of Sherlock Holmes; and the third was a
+well built young giant, a veritable blond Samson, full of the boisterous
+spirits of young manhood.
+
+The three sat across the aisle from me, and inasmuch as Nature had not
+seen fit to supply their vocal organs with soft pedals, or pianissimo
+stops, I became an unwitting, though not unwilling, listener to their
+conversation. It was amusing, clean, and bristling with good-fellowship,
+though not wholly Chesterfieldian in character. Finally the Sherlock
+Holmes man, turning to the stout little chap, who was sitting next to
+the car window, observed:
+
+"Well, old man, you're lookin' a heap better than ya did the last time I
+saw ya."
+
+"Yes," said the stout little man, "I'm feeling better. I've been on a
+diet for the past six months."
+
+And here the stalwart young blond Samson playfully interposed. "Well, it
+was about time, ya big, fat stuff!" he said. "Ya had a stummick on ya
+big enough for sixteen men." Whereupon he proceeded to jam the little
+man's derby hat down over his eyes.
+
+Ordinarily this would be regarded as a rather commonplace, unenlightened
+conversation; but its application to my point came the following
+morning, when, having several hours to spare before departing for other
+scenes, I went into the county courthouse to watch the litigation in
+progress there. It was a scene full of interest, and the proceedings
+were conducted on a plane of dignity quite in keeping with the highest
+traditions of the bench, everything going on decently and in order. But
+the interesting and possibly amazing thing about it to me was the sight
+that greeted my eyes in the person of the Sherlock Holmes man of the day
+before, conducting an eloquent argument before the stout little man of
+the train, who was no less a person than--_the Presiding Justice_! And
+the young giant who had called him a big, fat stuff, and jammed his hat
+down over his eyes, was the _court stenographer_!
+
+I had the pleasure of lunching with all three of them later in the day,
+and a finer lot of true-blue American citizens I have not met anywhere
+else, before or since.
+
+If one has any purely physical peculiarity of an obvious nature, he must
+get reconciled to having it used as a hook for his discomfiture, or his
+delectation, according as his own attitude toward the slings and arrows
+of life causes him to take them. In my own case perhaps the most
+conspicuous personal idiosyncrasy I present physically to the eye of the
+casual beholder is an almost abnormal lack of hirsute adornment; always
+a favorite point of attack by facetiously inclined chairmen, by whom I
+have been eloquently likened to the "imperishable Alps" for that I
+lacked "vegetation" on my "summit," to a "heliograph on the Hills of
+Letters," and by one I was called "the legitimate successor of the
+lamented Bill Nye, the Original Billiard Ball on the Pool Tables of
+Modern Humor."
+
+Most of my delectable misadventures in respect to this deficiency have
+naturally occurred in the barber shops of the nation, and it has been
+surprising to me, as an interested student of American humor, to note
+how full of variety are the spontaneous outbursts of the Knights of the
+Razor everywhere upon that seemingly barren topic.
+
+One barber in Wisconsin, to whom I facetiously complained that he
+should not charge me full price for a haircut when there was so little
+to cut, came back immediately with, "Ah, but you see I had to work
+overtime to find it!"
+
+Another in Boston, after shaving me, inquired, "Now how do you want your
+hair brushed?"
+
+"Brush it back like that young man's in the next chair," said I,
+pointing to a Harvard student with a perfect mop of hair, resembling a
+huge yellow chrysanthemum, which the neighboring artist was brushing
+laboriously back from the youthful forehead.
+
+"Humph!" said my friend. "I'll try; but, take it from me, _it'll take a
+blistering long time to brush your hair back_!"
+
+But the readiest bit of repartee that I recall in respect to this
+shortcoming was that of a Philadelphia barber two years ago, who was
+trying to make me presentable for my audience that night in the
+Witherspoon Hall University extension course, where I was to deliver a
+series of lectures on American humorists.
+
+"Now," said he, running his hand over the back of my head after he had
+attended to my other needs, "how do you want your hair fixed?"
+
+"In silence, and without humor," said I. "I am approaching my fiftieth
+year in this world, and since thirty I have been as you see me now. In
+the course of those twenty intervening years I have heard about every
+joke on the subject of baldness that the human mind has been able to
+conceive at least fifty thousand times."
+
+"I guess that's right," said he. "You are pretty bald, ain't you?"
+
+"I am, and I am not at all ashamed of it," I returned. "My baldness has
+been honestly acquired. I have not lost my hair in dissipation, or by
+foolish speculation, but entirely through generosity of spirit. _I have
+given my hair to my children._"
+
+"Gee!" he ejaculated with fervor. "_You must have the divvle of a large
+family!_"
+
+I made use of that incident in my lecture that night as a convincing
+demonstration that whatever had happened to the humor of the
+professional humorist, as a natural gift of the American people that
+branch of humor known as repartee was still running strong.
+
+Intentionally or otherwise, I think the best joke ever perpetrated upon
+me in respect to my lack of capillary attraction occurred at
+Bellingham, in the State of Washington, up near the Vancouver line, back
+in 1906, when I made my first trip to the Pacific Coast. I was the
+victim that season of a particularly distressing window card, got up in
+a great hurry from a most unsatisfactory photograph, and designed to
+arouse interest in my coming. It greeted me with grinning pertinacity
+everywhere I looked.
+
+I am skeptic on the subject of window cards anyhow. I could never
+convince myself that printed cuts are really effective instruments of
+publicity, and I vow with all the fervor of which I am capable that they
+are a nuisance and a trial to what the public call "the talent." I also
+know that in at least one instance they bade fair to work adversely to
+my interests, as was shown in a letter received by me many years ago
+from an unknown correspondent in Kansas City, who addressed me thus:
+
+     MY DEAR SIR,--I inclose herewith a copy of a so-called photograph
+     of yourself published in this morning's Kansas City "Star," and I
+     want to know if you really look like that. The reason I write to
+     inquire is that yesterday was my little boy's birthday, and his
+     grandmother presented him with a copy of one of your books. I
+     haven't had time to read the book myself; but I have taken it away
+     from Willie, and shall keep it pending your reply, _for if you do
+     look like this, you are no fit person to write for children_.
+
+I must confess that a single glance at the muddy reproduction of a long
+discarded photograph convinced me that my naïve correspondent was not a
+whit more careful of his parental responsibilities than the situation
+justified. I might readily have passed, if that photograph were
+accurate, for a professional gambler, or a highly probable future
+candidate for the Rogues' Gallery.
+
+But, whether the platform worker is helped or retarded by this
+indiscriminate plastering of public places with his counterfeit
+presentment, committees seem to think it necessary, and we therefore
+provide them with the most pulchritudinous pictorial composition that
+Art, unrestrained by Nature, can produce.
+
+But the one I used in 1906 was a most unflattering affair, and I grew
+heartily sick of it as my tour progressed. At Bellingham it was
+oppressively omnipresent. It seemed as if I had erupted all over the
+place. It greeted me in the railway station when I descended from the
+train. Two of them hung in the hotel office when I entered, and as I
+walked up the street after luncheon I overheard sundry unregenerate
+youths remark, "There he goes!" and "That's him!" and "Oh, look who's
+here!" derisively, until I could almost have wrung every juvenile neck
+in town. On one corner I found it in a laundry window, labeled, "John
+Kendrick Bangs at the Normal School Tonight," and placed immediately
+beneath this was a brown paper placard inscribed in great, red-chalk
+letters with the words, "HELP WANTED." Farther up the street I found it
+in a millinery shop window, pinned beneath a composite creation of
+Bellingham and Paris which was not particularly becoming to my pictorial
+style.
+
+But the climax was reached when I found it in a drug-store window, where
+the window dresser had placed it over another placard, the advertisement
+of a well known patent remedy. My picture covered the whole of the
+patent medicine placard except its essential advertising line at the
+bottom, and as I stood there staring at myself through that plate glass
+window my grinning countenance stared back at me unflinchingly, and
+underneath it was the legend,
+
+    HIRSUTERINE DID THIS AND WE
+          CAN PROVE IT.
+
+In gratitude to the perpetrator of that horrific joke let me say that I
+have used the incident as the opening anecdote in my Salubrity lecture
+ever since, and I really believe it has had as much to do with making me
+_persona grata_ to my audiences as any other feature of my discourse.
+
+[Illustration: "My grinning countenance stared back at me
+unflinchingly."]
+
+A tolerably effective arrow that struck fairly on the bullseye of
+over-self-appreciation came to me out of the dark, of a well intended
+compliment in a prominent New Jersey city several years ago. I had
+lectured before a fairly appreciative audience, seated conspicuously in
+the midst of which was a young man whom I recognized as the very
+courteous and affable room clerk of the hotel at which I was stopping.
+He and his friends formed a nucleus of appreciation which more than
+compensated me for the barbed glances of one or two unwilling auditors
+dragged thither reluctantly, probably from more alluring indulgences in
+bridge or draw poker at their clubs. Both my heart and head expanded
+under the influence of their continuous enthusiasm, and my emotions of
+satisfaction were intensified when on my walk back to the hotel I heard
+the friendly room clerk, stalking just ahead of me, exclaiming
+enthusiastically:
+
+"Didn't I tell you he'd be good? By George! I read one of his books
+once, and I've wanted to see him ever since."
+
+It was all very nice, and I hugged the pleasant intimations of his
+remark to my breast all through my dreams that night. But the morning
+brought disillusionment, and a mighty poignant shaft entered into the
+soul of me. After eating my breakfast I stepped to the hotel desk to pay
+my bill, and was there beamingly greeted by the room clerk.
+
+"Well, Mr. Bangs," said he, with outstretched hand, "that was a fine
+talk you gave us last night, and I enjoyed every minute of it. But I
+knew it would be good."
+
+"Thank you," said I, my chest expanding a bit.
+
+"I've only read one of your books," he went on; "but it gave me a lead
+on you. I don't want to flatter you, but--well, _it was the funniest
+book I ever read_, and I've been wondering if you would write your
+autograph in it for me."
+
+"Surely," said I, not only willing to please him, but quite anxious to
+see which of my books it was that had filled him with such enthusiasm.
+
+"I have it here," said he, taking the volume out of a drawer.
+
+"Good!" said I. "Let's have it."
+
+He handed it to me, and I glanced at it. _It was a copy of Jerome K.
+Jerome's "Three Men in a Boat, not to Mention the Dog!"_
+
+"No flattery at all," said I, my growing conceit falling back to par.
+"I'm glad you like it."
+
+And then for the first and only time in my life I committed forgery. I
+took the book to a writing table near at hand, and inscribed the flyleaf
+with "Appreciatively yours, Jerome K. Jerome." And as I left the hotel
+the last sight that greeted my eyes was my kindly deputy assistant host
+studying that inscription with a look of extreme bewilderment on his
+screwed-up countenance.
+
+Apropos of this incident it is rather curious how frequently my name and
+that of Jerome K. Jerome have been confounded. I have always considered
+it a compliment, and I sincerely hope Jerome himself will not mind it. I
+suppose the identity of our initials J. K. is responsible for it, and
+possibly the fact also that Jerome's "Three Men in a Boat" and my own
+"House-Boat on the Styx" were published at about the same time. One of
+the most amusing incidents based upon this confusion of identity
+occurred in California last spring. I was spending Easter Sunday at that
+remarkable hostelry, the Mission Inn at Riverside, feeling that in some
+way despite of my desserts I had got into heaven, and quite convinced
+that I could stand an eternity of it if the particular atmosphere of
+that wonderful Sunday were typical of life there. The inspiring Easter
+sunrise service on Mount Rubidaux was over, and I was resting
+comfortably in the office when a young woman paused at my side, and
+said,
+
+"You will excuse me for speaking to you, sir, but your face bothers me."
+
+"I am very sorry, Madame," said I, "but it has bothered me too for over
+fifty years."
+
+"Oh, I don't mean that way," she answered quickly. "I mean that I can't
+place it."
+
+"Well," said I, trying to smile, "you really don't have to. It is
+already located."
+
+"But I don't know where I have seen it before," she pleaded.
+
+"Nor do I," said I, "but I think I can reassure you on that point.
+Knowing myself as I do I can assure you that it must have been in a
+perfectly respectable place."
+
+"I wish you would stop fooling," she retorted, a trifle impatiently. "I
+want to know who you are. You see I'm of a rather nervous temperament,
+and when I see a familiar face and cannot remember the name of the
+individual who--er--who goes with it, sometimes it keeps me awake all
+night."
+
+"It would be too bad to have that happen," said I, "and inasmuch as I am
+not at all ashamed of my name I shall be delighted to tell you what it
+is. It is Bangs--John Kendrick Bangs."
+
+"Oh--I know," she cried, her perplexity fading away, "You are the man
+who wrote 'Three Men in a Boat.'"
+
+And the dear lady seemed to be so pleased over the honor of meeting so
+distinguished an author that I really hadn't the heart to undeceive her.
+
+I have always thought of my young friend the room-clerk far more kindly
+than of another New Jersey host whose airy nonchalance in what was to me
+a moment of some seriousness struck me as being almost arctic in its
+frigid non-acceptance of responsibility for untoward conditions. I had
+put up overnight in his jerry-built hostelry, and all had gone well
+until breakfast time. I was seated at table enjoying my frugal repast,
+when without warning from anybody I found myself the sudden recipient of
+a heavy blow on the top of my head, and upon emerging from the rather
+dazed psychological condition in which the blow left me discovered that
+I was covered from head to foot with plaster, and that my poor but
+honest poached egg had become a scrambled one, mixed with the impalpable
+dust of a shattered bit of molding.
+
+A glance heavenward showed whence my trouble had come. A section of the
+ceiling about four feet square had come loose, and had landed upon me.
+I could think of no better way to voice my protest against such an
+intolerable intrusion upon my rights of privacy at mealtimes than by
+giving the hotel manager an object lesson then and there of what was
+going on under his roof. So I rose from the table and walked directly to
+the office just as I was.
+
+"Great Scott!" said my host, as I loomed up before him like a glorified
+ash heap. "What's happened to you?"
+
+"A part of your condemned old ceiling has fallen on me, that's what!" I
+sputtered somewhat wrathfully.
+
+"Oh, that's it, eh?" he replied, with a smiling grace which I hardly
+appreciated at the time. "Well, we don't do that for everybody, Mr.
+Bangs," he added; "_but seeing it's you we won't make any extra
+charge_."
+
+I thanked him for his consideration. "I'd like to buy this hotel," I
+added.
+
+"Well, it's for sale," said he. "Like to run it yourself?"
+
+"No," said I. "I thought it might be some fun to buy a Panama fan and
+blow it down."
+
+[Illustration: "I was the sudden recipient of a blow on top of my
+head."]
+
+With which we parted forever. I have returned to the gentleman's
+bailiwick several times since; but never again have I entered the
+portals of that hostelry, for fear that by the careless dropping of my
+tooth-brush or a cake of soap I might cause the complete collapse of the
+structure, with the possible destruction of innocent lives; though if I
+were assured that in falling it would land only on that landlord's head
+I think I would willingly go out of my way to hire an aëroplane some
+night and drop a pebble upon its roof from a height of three or four
+feet. This is not so vindictive as it seems, either; for it would not
+hurt that landlord over-severely. You could drop a much heavier weight
+than that hotel upon any bit of solid ivory within reach without hurting
+the ivory unduly.
+
+A less sordid, and indeed wholly inspiring, incident along similar lines
+occurred three years ago at Georgetown, Texas, when on a terrific night
+in February, which I shall never forget, I stood for a few minutes face
+to face with what might have proved an appalling tragedy. As I look back
+upon the incident now it seems to me to have been at once the most
+thrilling, and at the same time the most stimulating, moment of my life.
+
+I had arrived at Georgetown early in the afternoon, and simultaneously
+with my coming--and, as some of my critics may intimate, possibly
+because of it--there arrived also one of those dreaded windstorms known
+in that section of the world as a norther. Perhaps the Texans are so
+used to these outbursts of Nature that they take them as all in the
+day's work; but to myself, unused to anything more boreally disturbing
+than an occasional nor'easter on the Maine Coast, it was extremely
+disturbing. I did not dare walk on any of the sidewalks, fearing that
+the loudly rattling signboards of commerce might be precipitated upon
+me. One of the best liked literary friends of my younger days had passed
+from intellectual brilliance of a most promising sort into permanent
+mental darkness through the falling upon his head of a swinging sign in
+New York, and I had come to regard such possibilities with dread.
+
+The Muse and I consequently spent the afternoon indoors in a quivering
+but substantial and well kept hotel, whose courteous landladies neither
+the Muse nor I will ever fail to remember with affectionate esteem. As I
+rode in an omnibus to the lecture hall that night, I rejoiced in the
+heaviness of the vehicle, which otherwise must have been overturned by
+the heavy blasts to which it was subjected.
+
+When I reached the college I found the auditorium on the third floor of
+the main building in almost total darkness, the only light coming from
+an oil lamp standing on a piano at one end of the stage. The wind had
+put the electric lighting apparatus temporarily out of commission; but
+students were at work upon it, and I was assured that all would be well
+if I would defer my lecture for a little while. To this of course I
+consented; for, however pleasing it may be to talk to one person in the
+dark, there is no pleasure in addressing a multitude of people into
+whose eyes one is unable to look.
+
+After fifteen minutes of waiting the electric lights suddenly gleamed
+forth, and I was gratified to see before me an audience of substantial
+size, made up for the most part of students, with a fair proportion of
+the townspeople scattered about here and there. The college was a
+coeducational institution, and the boys and girls were in fair measure
+paired off in congenial fashion.
+
+With the restoration of the light the president of the college stepped
+to the front of the platform and presented me to the audience, after
+which I rose and approached the footlights to begin. But never a word
+was I permitted to speak; for as I started in the howling wind outside
+seemed to re-double in its fury and intensity. There came a sudden loud
+grinding and ripping sound, and a huge part of the roof was lifted
+bodily upward, and then dropped back with a crash. One heavy beam fell
+squarely in one of the aisles without injury to any one, though two
+feet off on either side it would have killed the occupants of the aisle
+seats, and from all parts of the great room big chunks of plaster and
+lathing fell in upon the audience.
+
+There was present every element of a tragedy of fearful proportions; but
+from that assembled multitude of young people came not even a scream,
+and on every side I saw stalwart young Texans of To-day and To-morrow
+rise up from their seats, and _lean over the girls sitting crouched in
+the chairs beside them, taking all the weight and woe of that falling
+ceiling upon their own manly shoulders_! It was a magnificent exhibition
+of readiness of resource, self-control, and unselfish chivalry. Almost
+instantly with the first shock the president of the college, with a
+calmness at which I still marvel, rose from the chair behind me and
+confronted the gathering.
+
+"Now, my young friends," said he, speaking with amazing rapidity, each
+word enunciated as incisively as though spoken with lips of chilled
+steel, "remember--this is one of the emergencies you are supposed to be
+trained to meet. There is no telling how serious this situation is; but
+let us have no panic. Rise and walk out quietly, and without too much
+haste."
+
+The youngsters rose and marched out of the hall in a fashion that would
+have delighted the soul of a martinet among drill masters, down three
+flights of stairs to the campus, silently, and without the slightest
+outward manifestation of the fear that must have been in the hearts of
+every one of them.
+
+There had appeared in one of America's best magazines only a few months
+previously a scathing arraignment of the young American of To-day, in
+which the girls were indicted as being frivolous, lacking in
+self-control, and full of selfishness, and the American boy was held up
+to public scorn as knowing naught of respect for authority, and wholly
+deficient in the quality of chivalry for which the youth of other times
+had been noted. I wished then and I wish now that the good lady who
+spoke so witheringly on that subject could have witnessed what I looked
+upon that night in Texas. I think she would have modified her utterance
+at least, if indeed she would not have changed her point of view
+completely. She would have made her assertions less sweeping, I am
+convinced; for she would have learned from that episode, as I have
+learned from my contact with the youth of this land, not only in Texas
+but elsewhere, that save for a superficial element, fortunately not very
+large, the American youth of to-day, boy or girl, is in the main a
+strong-fibered, self-controlled, unselfish, chivalrous product which
+would be a credit to any nation, anywhere, at any time, past, present,
+or future.
+
+In conclusion let me say that when I returned to Georgetown the
+following season to deliver my undelivered lecture I was introduced to
+practically the same audience as "the man who brought down the house
+without even opening his mouth."
+
+Which shows that not only are youthful chivalry and self-control not
+dead in Texas, but that American humor likewise is in flourishing
+condition in that truly imperial State of our Union.
+
+
+
+
+XV
+
+EMERGENCIES
+
+
+Quick thinking on and off the platform is quite essential to the
+happiness of the man on the road. The sniping fates are always after
+him, in small ways as well as in large, and he must keep himself in a
+state of constant readiness either to dodge their flying shafts, or with
+some suddenly devised shield of resourcefulness to render himself arrow
+proof.
+
+Sometimes the successful warding off of a flying missile sped from the
+bow of some malign goddess of mischance becomes the making of the man,
+as in a case once reported to me by a gentleman in Montana when after my
+lecture at Billings he and I were laughing over the complete capture of
+my audience by a big gray tomcat that had entered the lists against me.
+This privileged creature had leaped into the chair immediately behind
+me, and begun massaging his face in true feline fashion, to the intense
+delight of a most amiable gathering.
+
+I suppose that if I had known what was going on behind me, I should have
+tried to rise to the occasion on the spur of the moment; but not knowing
+it I read on, in blissful unconsciousness of the fact that a series of
+living pictures was flashing across the vision of my audience directly
+to the rear. The only sensation experienced at the time by my innocent
+self was one of supreme pleasure and satisfaction that my audience had
+at last awakened to the beauty of my discourse, and was manifesting in
+most gratifying fashion its appreciation of even the subtlest of my
+points. When at the close of the reading the real truth was revealed to
+me I merely smiled, and never for a moment let on that until the
+chairman spoke of the animal I had not suspected its presence.
+
+"We admired your composure, Mr. Bangs," said the chairman. "A good many
+men would have been rattled by such an intrusion as that; but you went
+right on without a break. In fact, if you don't mind my saying so, you
+were better after the cat than you were before he came."
+
+"Oh, well," said I, "we have to get used to that sort of thing. The
+trained lecturer really ought to be able to go on even if a young
+earthquake were to fall upon him. Do you always try your lecturers on a
+cat?" I added.
+
+"Well, I hadn't thought of it that way," he laughed; "but as a matter of
+fact we most generally do. That cat belongs to our janitor, and he's
+pretty sure to turn up somewhere during the evening. One year we had a
+man out here giving some recitations, and I tell you old Tom helped him
+out considerably. He was rolling along through some funny speech or
+other, when the cat jumped upon the platform, washed his face two or
+three times, scratched his ear for a minute, and then with his eye fixed
+on the audience he walked straight over the electric footlights to the
+other side of the stage and disappeared. The audience roared and the
+recitationist stopped, gazed with mock indignation at the people for a
+second or two, and then addressing me he said, '_Mr. Chairman, I
+understood that this was to be a monologue--not a catalogue_.' Of course
+it brought down the house, and ever since then that man has been about
+the most popular number our lecture course has ever had."
+
+As a standard of emergency repartee I am inclined to think this
+incident sets the high-water mark.
+
+The intrusion of four-footed creatures on the line of vision at lectures
+is unfortunately not rare. Lecturers have no terrors for mice and rats,
+and just as every hall is provided with a janitor, or janitrix, so is
+every caretaker provided with a cat, as a preventive of rodential
+troubles. I have got so used to their presence, however, that I no
+longer bother about them. As long as they leave me alone, and hold their
+tongues, I am content to have them disport themselves as they please, in
+the public eye or out of it. But a dog is another proposition
+altogether.
+
+Personally I like dogs better than I like cats; but for platform
+purposes I prefer the feline to the canine intrusion. One knows pretty
+well in advance what a cat will do; but a dog is a most uncertain
+quantity. The cat's attentions are likely to be general, or, if not,
+centered wholly upon his or her own toilet--washing her face, manicuring
+her ears, pursuing her tail--but the dog too frequently takes a direct
+personal interest in the chief performer of the occasion. And while I
+should never think of attributing critical faculties to any kind of
+dog, they sometimes have a way of expressing what might pass for
+opinions, worthy or unworthy, concerning the work in hand, in no
+uncertain tones.
+
+As evidence of this I recall an afternoon devoted not long since to the
+reading of one of Browning's exceedingly difficult masterpieces, in the
+presence of a number of ladies and one highly intelligent Irish terrier.
+The poem was Browning's "Christmas Eve and Easter Day," full of beauty
+and of inspired thought, but not easy reading, and requiring unusual
+concentration of mind to get out the full measure of its charm. My small
+audience was most appreciative, and as I approached the climacteric I
+was feeling tolerably well satisfied with the results, when this keenly
+critical terrier suddenly rose from his resting place, stationed himself
+deliberately before me, stretched himself until it almost seemed that
+one could hear his bones crack, and sent forth upon the mystery-laden
+atmosphere about as expressive a whining yawn as one might expect from
+the Seven Sleepers themselves, all rolled into one, and too early
+awakened from their slumbers--and there the "climacteric" rests to this
+day.
+
+I never finished the reading, and what had been an hour of highly
+concentrated mysticism reached its sixtieth second in a wild roar of
+hilarious relief.
+
+A less comfortable moment involving a canine intruder occurred at
+Binghamton, New York, back in 1898, when I suffered the double intrusion
+of a secret society initiation going on overhead, which may or may not
+have been made interesting to the initiates by the presence of the
+proverbial goat, and the sudden appearance upon the stage of a huge
+bulldog of terrifying aspect.
+
+Above me was every indication, in sound at least, of a wild creature
+"abounding and abutting" upon the whole length of the superimposed
+floor, accompanied by muffled yells, presumably from the despairing
+throats of brothers elect. But this was as nothing in its effect upon my
+peace of mind to the sudden development of that bulldog in our midst. He
+came in through the open door of the hall, and walked deliberately down
+the center aisle, and thence up the steps to the platform whereon I was
+engaged in the pleasing occupation of "Reading from My Own Works."
+Bright as I had fondly hoped these works would be thought, they
+immediately went dark in the face of that undershot jaw with its
+gleaming white teeth, the drooling lip, and the eager, curious eye on
+each side of the squat nose, fixed intently upon my quaking self.
+Whether I continued to read or merely extemporized I do not now
+recall--in fact, I really never knew--I simply know that I continued to
+make sounds with my vocal organs, one eye on the pages of my book, the
+other glued to the lower jaw of the intruder.
+
+The latter, after satisfying his visual perceptions as to my superficial
+virtues and defects, seemed to find it necessary to satisfy also some
+inward nasal craving to settle certain lingering doubts in his mind as
+to my right to be where he found me, and to that end he proceeded to
+place his squat nose hard up against the calf of my leg, and to sniff
+vigorously.
+
+By what strange mercy it was that I did not kick him, then and there,
+with results that I hesitate even now to dwell upon, I don't know. The
+supremely important facts are that I did not kick him, but droned
+quaveringly on through my work, and soon learned happily from a scarcely
+suppressed snort that he considered me too contemptible for further
+attention. He departed, going out as he had come, through the open
+doorway, and left me again in control of the situation, if not wholly of
+myself. When he had completely faded into the outer darkness I paused
+and said:
+
+"Ladies and Gentlemen, I appreciate deeply your tribute of regard; but
+let me tell you frankly that I prefer flowers, even vegetables, to
+bulldogs. If you have any further four-footed tokens of your esteem in
+store for me, I beg that you will send them by special messenger to my
+office in New York, or by mail to my residence in Yonkers, the address
+of which you may secure from the chairman on your way out of the hall at
+the conclusion of my reading."
+
+The ultimate results of this incident were far from happy. I naturally
+told the story, together with some other amusing details of my visit to
+Binghamton, to friends at my club later, not any more in confidence than
+they are related here, and as good-naturedly as their diverting quality
+rendered appropriate; and the fact that I had done so coming to certain
+Binghamtonian ears, I was placarded in one of the Binghamton papers as
+being "no gentleman," "an ungrateful guest," and so on, _ad lib._, in
+consequence of which Binghamton and I no longer speak as we pass by.
+
+For this I am sincerely sorry, but none the less must rest content. I do
+not think I should care to return there even if I were asked, for fear
+that in pursuance of their system of tribute they might try my courage
+upon the lineal descendant of that goat above stairs, or possibly upon
+some actively inclined bull, playfully unleashed in my vicinity as a
+test of my composure if not of my good manners.
+
+[Illustration: "A craving to settle lingering doubts as to my right to
+be there."]
+
+The minor matter of dress is frequently the cause of emergency calls for
+help from embarrassed lyceumites, and to get out of predicaments in
+which mistakes of packing under the pressure of hurry place us sometimes
+taxes our resources to the uttermost. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle once told
+me of an amusing complication along these lines by which he was
+confronted in a New Jersey community, whither he had gone to dine with
+and address the students of a famous school.
+
+On his arrival at the scene of action Dr. Doyle, as he was then known,
+discovered to his dismay that in the hurried packing of his suitcase he
+had forgotten to put in his evening coat. Everything else was there; but
+his swallowtail was missing. Now Sir Arthur is not only a distinguished
+novelist and story writer, but is a particularly punctilious and
+tactfully courteous gentleman as well; and, having heard stories of
+other Britons coming to this country and attending functions given in
+their honor in tweeds, as if we Americans knew nothing of the niceties
+of dress, was careful always to avoid giving offense himself by similar
+vagaries. So, rather than seem contemptuous of the conventionalities on
+this occasion, the doctor pleaded a headache as his excuse for not
+appearing at dinner, and in the interval of time thus gained transformed
+his blue serge traveling coat into a perfectly good dinner jacket, or
+Tuxedo, as some do call it, with properly rolling lapels, by cutting off
+the buttons and rolling the front of his coat back into a broad lapel
+effect; pressing the resulting garment into stayable shape by putting it
+between the mattresses of his bed, and lying on them for an hour.
+
+I cannot say that I have ever found myself master of any such wonderful
+ingenuity when face to face with a similar predicament; but in Austin,
+Texas, two years ago I suffered from a condition that for the time being
+seemed quite as poignantly distressing.
+
+My trunk had been despatched from San Antonio to Houston, and I was
+"living in my suitcase." With only twenty-five minutes to spare before I
+was due upon the platform, I found myself without shirt studs, and at
+the moment without anything at hand to use as an acceptable substitute.
+A hurried visit to the main street and some of its tributaries divulged
+nothing in the nature of a haberdashery or a jeweler's shop that had not
+been closed for the night.
+
+I was in a terrific quandary; but the Only Muse, always a resourceful
+person, reminded me of Oliver Herford's expedient many years before in
+using in a similar emergency a set of brass-headed manuscript fasteners.
+Fortunately I had with me several bits of manuscript that were held
+together by these useful little contrivances--small pieces of metal with
+shining brass caps, backed by flexible flanges to hold the caps in
+place. These were inserted in the buttonholes of my shirt in most
+satisfactory fashion, and in a few moments as far as externals were
+concerned I presented as goodly an appearance as any man rejoicing in
+the effulgent glory of three lustrously golden studs.
+
+With a sigh of relief I then turned to put on my white waistcoat, only
+to discover, alas! that that too was missing, nor was there any sign
+anywhere of any other kind of vest that could do duty convincingly, or
+even acceptably, with a claw-hammer coat. Again I flew precipitately
+down the stairs, this time to the kindly room clerk in the hotel office.
+I explained my predicament to him in a few well chosen words, ending up
+with:
+
+"Haven't you a white vest you can lend me?"
+
+"Certainly I have," said he, and together we repaired to his room in
+quest of the needed garment. He soon found it, and I returned rejoicing
+to my room, the treasure hugged tightly to my breast; but when I came to
+try it on I discovered, what I had overlooked in the agitation of the
+moment, _that as eight is to thirty-two, so was the room clerk's façade
+to mine_! I could get into the vest; but no compressor ever yet invented
+could so adjust my physical proportions to the garment that it would
+come within four inches of meeting in front.
+
+"What the deuce am I going to do?" I cried, sinking into a chair in
+despair.
+
+"Slit it up the back, and I'll pin it on you," suggested the ever-ready
+Muse.
+
+"But it isn't mine," said I.
+
+"Buy it," said she.
+
+In an instant I had the room clerk on the telephone. "Will you sell me
+that vest?" I asked.
+
+"Why--no," he said. "I don't want to sell it."
+
+"But I need it in my business," I pleaded.
+
+"Well, you've got it, haven't you?"
+
+"Yes, I've got it all right," I replied; "_but I can't get into it
+without putting a yard of extra width in the back_. Come on--be a good
+fellow and sell it to me," I added with all the pathos that I could
+summon.
+
+"No," he answered with a chuckle, "no--I couldn't sell it to you; _but
+I'll give it to you with all the pleasure in the world_!"
+
+In this fashion was the emergency met, and I went out before my audience
+that night on time in improvised raiment pinned on to my person, "a
+thing of shreds and patches," and blazoning as to my shirt-front with
+all the resplendent gilt of three brass tacks, all of which brought
+vividly to my mind the words of Antonio in "The Merchant of Venice":
+
+    O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!
+
+It may seem to the casual observer that such matters as shirt studs and
+white waistcoats are of too slight importance to worry a speaker; but a
+"whole date" was once saved to me by the fact that I wore a high silk
+hat, which caused a kindly livery-stable keeper to drive me eighteen
+miles from a stranded railway train through a blizzard to the town of my
+destination, because he judged from my hat that _I was a member of a
+favorite minstrel troupe that was to perform there the same night_. When
+he discovered that I was only one of "them lecture fellers," for whose
+free tickets he had no use, he was terribly disappointed.
+
+Anyhow, an audience likes a man to be wholly himself, and cares little
+for a speaker who modifies his dress according to his ideas of how they
+wish him to look. A popular and prominent candidate for Governor of New
+York once lost a large number of votes that might have elected him
+because in addressing a gathering of workingmen at an East Side rally,
+the night being insufferably hot, he took off his coat and collar, and
+spoke to them in his shirt sleeves. The men were deeply offended. They
+significantly asked if he would have taken off his coat in the presence
+of a fashionable uptown audience, and would have none of his presumed
+assumption that they were any less worthy of his respect, or careful of
+their own dignity, than his so-called smarter, better-class people.
+
+I have always found the full evening dress and high collar of an effete
+civilization wholly comfortable, and wear them accordingly wherever I
+lecture, whether it be in the rarefied social atmosphere of high
+academic circles, or in a mining camp where there dwell possibly
+rougher, but none the less genuine, human folk. I think that in the
+latter environment indeed it is a positive aid to success to do so; for
+there can be no doubt that reduced to its essentials the evening dress
+of the modern male creature is really a funny thing, and in an evening
+devoted somewhat to humor any element that is in even the least degree
+mirth-provoking does not come amiss.
+
+Perhaps the most overpowering sense of being confronted by an emergency
+came to me again back in 1898 out of an experience that turned out to be
+critical only in my own imaginings. Most of our troubles are, I fancy,
+imaginary--purely psychological, as the modern phrase has it--but while
+they are on they are none the less acute for all that. On the occasion
+of which I write, at a more than feverish moment in our relations with
+Spain and Cuba, I was summoned to lecture at the attractive little port
+of Brunswick, Georgia. It was here, by the way, that I first had the
+pleasure of seeing my name on a hotel bill of fare, which in the
+platform world is the height of fame, just as in the theatrical world it
+is the acme of distinction for a star to see his name pasted on an ash
+barrel, or spread across the hoardings of a ten-acre lot full of tin
+cans and other undesirable bric-à-brac. They had me down on the supper
+bill among the hot breads, somewhat like this:
+
+                 HOT BREAD
+    Tea Biscuit. Corn Muffins. Graham Gems.
+                 Popovers.
+    John Kendrick Bangs, Casino, To-night.
+
+But that was not the Emergent Moment of which I would speak. This came
+later, at the conclusion of my lecture, when a young man who in the dim
+light of the street was scarcely perceptible, intercepted me as I left
+the hall.
+
+"Mr. Bangs," said he, "I have come here from Captain Maguffy of the
+_Samuel J. Taylor_, to present his compliments to the skipper of the
+'House-Boat on the Styx.' The captain was detained from your lecture
+to-night, to his very great regret; but he wishes you would drop all
+formality and join him at supper."
+
+Knowing neither Captain Maguffy (the name is a substitute for the real
+one) nor his ambassador, I thanked the latter, saying that while I was
+grateful for his courtesy I was really very tired, had much work ahead
+of me, and begged to be excused.
+
+"The captain never takes no for an answer," persisted the young man. "He
+will be terribly disappointed if you don't come, and as a matter of
+fact, counting surely upon your good fellowship, he has made special
+preparations for you."
+
+Unfortunately--or fortunately, as it later turned out--among other
+serious defects in my education I have never been taught the firmer uses
+of the negative. I have never been able to say no to anybody as if I
+really meant it, and it has involved me in more difficulties than I care
+to record here or elsewhere. In any event, my regrets growing fainter
+and fainter, and Captain Maguffy's ambassador's insistence more and more
+marked, the sum total of some thirty-two negatives soon developed into
+one positive affirmative.
+
+"All right," I said finally, "I'll run in on the captain; but only for a
+moment, just long enough to shake hands, say howdido, and get back to
+bed. I must be in bed by midnight as a matter of principle."
+
+The ambassador thereupon assisted me into one of those indescribable
+one-horse "shays" that seem to sprout in the vicinity of Southern
+railway stations and hotels about as lushly as mint in the patches of
+the Carolinas. I used to think when I was a resident of Yonkers that the
+Hudson River Valley was a sort of hack heaven, whither all sorts of
+deceased vehicles went when they died; but several tours of the South
+since have convinced me that that idea was mere presumption on my part.
+The South, as well as the Hudson River Valley, fairly burgeons with
+vehicular antiques that would delight the soul of an archæologist
+anxious to find the connecting link between the carriages of the Cæsars
+and those of Andrew Jackson and his successors up to the merry days of
+Hayes.
+
+The particular rattledy-bang old combination of wabbling wheels and
+hair-erupting cushions into which I was ushered was drawn by a white
+horse, and driven by a colored man. The horse was so very white that it
+could hardly be seen on the white coquina roads, and the negro was so
+black that he was equally imperceptible against the background of the
+night; so that I seemed to be floating through the night enjoying
+sensations similar to those of a man on his first journey in an
+aëroplane. The whole effect was eery in the extreme, especially as we
+drove and drove and drove, and floated and floated and floated, without
+apparently getting anywhere.
+
+Then, of a sudden, I became terribly uneasy. The thought flashed through
+my mind, "Why, here you are, all alone, after ten o'clock at night, in
+a strange country, going to see a man you never heard of before, in
+company of an individual whose name you haven't asked, and whose face
+you have seen only dimly in the dark! You are known to have several
+hundred dollars in your pocket, and nobody under Heaven but yourself and
+your companion knows where you are, or in what kind of company." It
+really seemed time for a diplomatic "hedge."
+
+"Where is Captain Maguffy's house?" I inquired as a starter, after we
+had driven for an overlong time.
+
+"Newark, New Jersey," was the consoling reply, but soberly made.
+
+"Well--I don't feel equal to a drive that far," I said dryly. "I
+supposed when I accepted this invitation that your captain was living
+around the corner somewhere."
+
+"No," said my companion. "_He's aboard his boat--the Samuel J. Taylor._"
+
+"His boat?" I cried. "Oh, come now, my friend--if I'd known that--well,
+really, I think we'd better turn back."
+
+"Not now," said he. "We're almost there."
+
+"But why doesn't the captain keep his boat closer to civilization?" I
+queried. "Isn't there room for him closer to town?"
+
+"Yes, there's plenty of room closer to town," replied my strange
+acquaintance, "but the captain prefers to be closer to the sea in case
+he needs to make a quick get-away. He and the government aren't on the
+best of terms. Between you and me, he's _doing a little stunt in
+filibustering_, and the folks up at Washington are getting suspicious."
+
+My heart sank into my boots and then rebounded to my throat. "You should
+have told me all this before we started," said I.
+
+"Well, I should have," said he; "but--well, I was afraid if I did you
+wouldn't come, and the captain told me not to come back without you.
+What he says goes with me."
+
+I could think of only one word. The simple term _kidnapped_ flashed
+across my mind, and then the pleasing little phrase, so nice for a
+headline, _Held for Ransom_, burned itself into my nerve. The beating of
+my heart sounded like the muffled tread of that invisible steed ahead on
+the coquina road. I glanced out of the chaise to see what my chances of
+escape might be in case I made a break for liberty, and saw off to the
+right of me the lines of a rotting pierhead, and the towering masts of a
+huge schooner that was moored to its decaying piling. At the inner end
+of the pier was a white-washed shed. Everything in sight except the
+driver, the chaise, and my future looked white--a ghastly, ghostly white
+that made me think of all the tales of horrid spooks I had ever heard.
+Here the carriage came to a sudden halt, and a tall black figure loomed
+up from behind the shed.
+
+"_Did you get him?_" came a deep bass voice out of the night.
+
+"You betcha!" was the reply from my companion.
+
+I descended from the carriage, and my conductor led the way along the
+rotting stringpiece of the pier, a little more than a foot wide, the
+chill waters of St. Simon's Sound lapping about six feet below on each
+side, and the dark figure from behind the shed immediately to the rear.
+I was completely a captive. A moment later we came to a narrow gangplank
+leading to the broad, holy-stoned deck of the schooner, in the fore part
+of which was an open hatchway, out of which there streamed a steady
+shaft of yellow light.
+
+"Down this way, please," said my companion as we reached the hatchway.
+
+Tremulously I followed him down the steps, and in a moment found
+myself--in the prettiest, daintiest, little, white and gold parlor one
+could have hoped to find anywhere outside of a mansion designed for a
+Marie Antoinette, or a Madame de Maintenon! Everywhere was gold and
+white--chairs, walls, table--and set in the panels of the walls (built
+in) were a half-dozen exquisite little water-color paintings, all in
+most perfect keeping with the general color scheme of the room; and on
+each side of a door leading to an adjoining apartment, impassive as two
+bits of sculpture, stood two negroes of gigantic size, not an inch under
+six feet in height--two veritable genii out of the pages of the Arabian
+Nights, but clad in blue flannel coats with brass buttons, white duck
+trousers, and glazed white hats with black vizors.
+
+It was really a wonderful picture; but I had hardly had time to take it
+in when from behind me again the bass voice of the figure behind the
+shed broke upon my hearing.
+
+"Welcome, O Skipper of the Stygian House Boat, to the _Samuel J.
+Taylor_!" it said, and quickly turning I found myself gazing into the
+dark, flashing eyes of my host. If the white and gold cabin had amazed
+me, the captain completely took my breath away. He looked as if he had
+just come in from a five o'clock tea on Fifth avenue--frock coat, dark
+gray trousers, all of perfect fit, white waistcoat, lavender tie with an
+exquisite pearl pin stuck carelessly into its soft folds, and in his
+hand the very latest thing in imported high silk hats! He was the beau
+ideal of your conventional gentleman of society. As I have said, I was
+breathless, and consequently speechless, for a moment; but I did manage
+at the end of a few seconds to blurt out:
+
+"Am I--am I awake, Captain?"
+
+"Well--if you're not, we've plenty of room and time for you to sleep it
+out," he replied.
+
+"But this cabin--this saloon--these--these water colors!" I went on.
+
+"A little fancy of my wife's," said mine host. "She fitted it all up
+herself. The water colors, by the way, are all her own work. Rather
+nice, I think. She was a pupil of a fellow Centurion of yours, Mr.
+----." Here he mentioned one of our famous artists, a member of my club,
+and a painter of rare distinction.
+
+My desire to get away had become less keen; but I deemed it wise
+nevertheless to make the effort. I still needed some reassurance as to
+my safety.
+
+"Well, Captain," said I, "it has been a pleasure to meet you, and I hate
+to run; but I have had a hard day of it, and I'm very tired. I have come
+just to shake hands with you and say howdido, before turning in for the
+night."
+
+"Oh, you mustn't go until you have broken bread with me," said he.
+
+"I told him he could be in bed by twelve if he wanted to," interposed my
+conductor.
+
+"All right," said the captain. "We'll live up to your promise. You may
+serve the supper at once," he added, turning to the two genii at the
+door, who had not stirred a muscle through the whole conversation.
+
+Then began the service of a supper in which for the first time I tasted
+the joys of alligator pears, the sweets of real grapefruit made into
+salad, the full possibilities of Moro crabs à la Newburg, alongside of
+which even my beloved Maine lobsters are dull and dreary reptiles, and
+of many other delightful edibles as well, with my choice of a liquid
+refreshment as if from the cellar of a Lucullus--and through it all the
+captain talked.
+
+He told me of his interest in the Cuban struggle for independence; how
+he had gone first to Havana as correspondent for an American newspaper
+with a decided leaning toward Spanish interests; how he had resigned
+rather than write the kind of material his chiefs demanded.
+
+He told me then how he had at last decided to help the Cuban cause with
+arms, and with what money he had; how he had chartered this lumber
+schooner and gone ostensibly into the lumber business to cover his real
+activities; and how every time he set out from Brunswick laden with
+lumber consigned to some other port he always took time to run over to
+Cuban waters, and carry weapons and ammunition to the insurgents.
+
+"And what has Uncle Sam had to say to all these activities?" I asked.
+
+"He's getting a little suspicious," laughed the captain. "Once I thought
+he'd got me, too. I had a thousand rifles and ten thousand rounds of
+ammunition in hand for the boys, the other day and while I was being
+towed out to sea by a tug the _Vesuvius_, which had been watching me for
+several days, fired a shot across my bows and stopped me. They sent a
+search party aboard--and I tell you, sir, they were a mighty thorough
+lot! There wasn't a nook or cranny of the _Samuel J. Taylor_ those
+fellows didn't turn inside out. Not an inch from topmast to keel escaped
+the official eye; but they found nothing, and I was allowed to go on."
+
+"But how," said I, "did you manage to conceal the stuff?"
+
+"Oh, that was simple," laughed the captain. "They went through the
+_Samuel J. Taylor_ with a fine-tooth comb; _but they forgot to search
+the tug_. We transferred the guns later, and forty-eight hours afterward
+they were in the hands of the Cubans."
+
+It was five o'clock in the morning when Captain Maguffy delivered me at
+my hotel.
+
+"Good-by, Captain," said I. "For a few moments I was afraid you were
+going to kidnap me--and now, by George! _my only regret is that you
+didn't_!"
+
+He laughed heartily. "Well," he said, "if you really mean that, come
+back on board. _I think it can be arranged._"
+
+But freedom was too sweet, and besides I had to make my living; so I
+reluctantly bade the captain good morning, and have thought of him
+affectionately ever since.
+
+
+
+
+XVI
+
+A PIONEER MANAGER
+
+
+No record made by a grateful pen of the joys and trials of the lecture
+platform could be complete without some reference to the spiritual
+benefits made possible by the profession of "Gad and Gab," as Mr.
+Strickland Gillilan, the astute author of "Off Ag'in, On Ag'in,
+Finnigin," himself a happy worker in the vineyard of peripatetic
+eloquence, calls it, in the matter of friendships. Both as a producer
+and as a consumer of the platform product I have been the beneficiary of
+many friendships and acquaintances that I now hold among the cherished
+memories of my professional life. As I think of them now they rush in
+upon me with such tidal force that I find myself unable for lack of
+space to treat of them in this volume, and they must be left for other
+pages. And yet in the light of grateful reasoning it becomes clear that
+I should not close this portion of my story without some reference to
+one splendid soul, to whom primarily I owe all the happiness in this
+line of human effort that it has been my privilege and my blessing to
+enjoy, James B. Pond--the good old major, who during his long and busy
+career as an organizer and manager was guide, mentor, and friend, always
+faithful, always true, to the Man on the Platform. He was a big man in
+every way, physically as well as spiritually. The only misfit about him,
+if there were any, perhaps was in the size of his heart, which was, I
+suspect, too large even for his gigantic frame. If any man was ever born
+to be a pioneer in any kind of human endeavor requiring tenacity of
+purpose, scrupulous integrity, courage in the face of trial, tolerance
+of the shortcomings of others, and a dogged insistence upon "quality,"
+that man was Major Pond, and he looked it.
+
+If I were a painter, and wanted a model for one of those sturdy
+Americans who were not afraid of anything, and went out into the wilds
+of a new and dangerous country with all the zest of a boy on the trail
+of a fox, to hew by main strength a way that civilization might follow
+in his train, I should seek no further than that huge, strengthful
+figure, massive, graceful even in its ungainliness, surmounted by the
+frank, vigorous, hewn face that from its deep-set eyes flashed
+determination and kindliness always. Somehow or other Major Pond always
+made me think of the days of Forty-nine, and when he first dawned, or I
+should perhaps better say loomed, on the horizon of my life, I began
+first to sense the smallness of a mere library as a world in which to
+live, and to think of those vast, remoter stretches where men did not
+read and write romances, but lived them.
+
+My first contact with Major Pond was as a consumer of the things he had
+to sell, and I came soon to learn that the stamp of his approval was the
+hallmark of excellence. The major's imprint upon a circular was enough
+for me, and in several years of our relation as buyer and seller he
+never failed me; and the merest cursory glance at the list of men and
+women for whom he stood sponsor in the lyceum field shows why. It was a
+marvelous galaxy of humans, many of them now passed imperishably into
+the pages of history, for whom the major did yeoman service in this
+country, beginning with Wendell Phillips, Charles Sumner, and Henry Ward
+Beecher, and ending with Matthew Arnold, Henry M. Stanley, Julia Ward
+Howe and that Prince among men, the never-to-be-forgotten John Watson,
+dear to the hearts of readers everywhere as Ian Maclaren.
+
+The service of the manager of the Major Pond type was not a mere
+perfunctory business service only, but was of a more or less intimate
+personal nature as well. The major was not content to make a booking for
+a celebrity at some distant, well nigh inaccessible point, and then
+shoot him out into the dark unknown to take care of himself, and get
+along as best he might. On the contrary, he went along himself when he
+could, and what hardships were to be faced he shared, and those that
+might be staved off by a little kindly care and foresight he shielded
+his people from. It was thus that he built up not only the most notable
+list of lecturers the world has yet known, but at the same time
+surrounded himself with a circle of gallant friends, who came to think
+of him with rare affection.
+
+This intimate personal contact with men of unusual distinction gave him
+a fund of reminiscence that was a never-failing source of delight to his
+friends. To Mr. Gladstone, Pond's stories were so tremendously
+appealing that during one of the major's visits to London the great
+British statesman requested permission to have a stenographer take them
+down just as they fell from the lips of the picturesque old American.
+Concerning Henry Ward Beecher and Mark Twain the major could talk
+forever, and the little sidelights his fund of anecdote concerning them
+cast upon the personality of these two men were invariably appealing.
+
+Worn by the nervous strain of a hard bit of lecturing before the major's
+own friends and neighbors one night many years ago, I was privileged to
+sit and gather refreshment and peace of mind in the joy of one of the
+major's reminiscent monologues lasting well into the early hours of the
+morning, with which he regaled me upon my return to his hospitable
+house. I was unhappily conscious of not having done my work particularly
+well that night--in fact I had had to lecture from a manuscript, which
+is always fatiguing both to speaker and to audience, and I hardly dared
+ask the major what he thought of my performance--but after awhile in his
+fatherly way he broached the subject himself.
+
+"It was a good lecture, Bangs," he said, "and some day, maybe, _you
+will find time to make it shorter_."
+
+"What is a good lecture, Major, anyhow?" I asked, hoping that from such
+an authority as he must by now have become I should get some clue to a
+possible short cut, if not to success, at least away from failure.
+
+He threw himself back in his chair and laughed. "That reminds me,
+Bangs," said he. "Maybe you'd like to know what Horace Greeley
+considered a good lecture--at any rate it is the only answer to your
+question that I know. Greeley and Henry Ward Beecher and I were on our
+way to Boston once, and as we passed through Bridgeport, Connecticut,
+Greeley, glancing out of the car window, said, 'Hello, here's
+Bridgeport, the home of P. T. Barnum! Nice town, Beecher. I gave a
+successful lecture here once.'
+
+"'What do you call a successful lecture, Greeley?' asked Mr. Beecher.
+
+"'Why,' said Greeley, '_a successful lecture is where more people stay
+in than go out_.'"
+
+As for the major's relations with Mark Twain, there was always so much
+of the spirit of pranksome boyhood in them both that their days
+together, when Clemens was so bravely working to clear off the
+indebtedness of the publishing house that he had unnecessarily but
+chivalrously assumed as his own, must have been something of a romp,
+despite the unquestioned hardships of such persistent travel.
+
+As a specimen of the playful spirit in which the two men went at their
+work I recall a story told me that night by the major of how in a far
+western State, owing to a delayed train, they were kept waiting on a
+railway station platform for several hours.
+
+"Look here, Pond!" said Clemens after much dreary waiting. "You may not
+know it, but this is a violation of our contract. You agreed to keep me
+traveling, and this ain't traveling: it's just nothing but pure, cussed
+condemned loafing!"
+
+"All right, Mark," said the major. "Just a second and I'll fix you out."
+
+The major walked up to the end of the platform, where there was an empty
+baggage truck standing in front of the baggage room door. This he pushed
+along to where Clemens was standing, and then picking the humorist up in
+his arms he put him on board the truck and wheeled him up and down the
+platform, to the astonishment of the gathered natives, until the train
+came in, thus filling his contract to the letter, as was his invariable
+custom.
+
+Nor shall I ever forget the major's delightful characterization of the
+platform work of Matthew Arnold.
+
+"Arnold spoke from a manuscript," said he. "It was a printed affair,
+done in large letters on ordinary cap paper, and bound up in a
+portfolio. This he insisted on having on an easel at his right hand.
+After bowing to his audience he would fasten his eyes on the manuscript
+and then turn and recite a sentence from it to the people in front. Then
+he would go back to the manuscript again, corral another sentence, and
+recite that. _And so it went to the end of the show--and all in a voice
+that nobody could hear!_"
+
+The major paused a moment, and chuckled.
+
+"General and Mrs. Grant attended the first Arnold lecture at Chickering
+Hall," he said. "The place was packed; but I got them seats, well back,
+but the best there were. After Arnold's lips had been moving without a
+sign of a word that anybody could hear for ten or fifteen minutes the
+General turned to Mrs. Grant and said, 'Well, my dear, we've _seen_ the
+British Lion at least; but inasmuch as we cannot hear him roar I guess
+we'd better go home!' Grant was known as the silent man," continued the
+major; "but Arnold gave him a pointer on how a man could be silent and
+talking at the same time."
+
+The major was a great believer in the value of Author's Readings by what
+he used to call "running mates,"--teams, as the vaudevillains have it.
+He had had great success with such combinations as Mark Twain and George
+W. Cable, Thomas Nelson Page and F. Hopkinson Smith, and Bill Nye and
+James Whitcomb Riley. Trotting in double harness had proved in these
+cases most profitable for everybody concerned, and the major was
+constantly in search of new alliances. How his ordinarily sane judgment
+ever came to be warped to such point that he could think of me in such a
+connection I cannot even pretend to surmise; but it did happen that in
+the mid-nineties of the last century he began singing a siren song in my
+ears, to which in an hour of greed and weakness I yielded, the burden of
+whose refrain was that R. K. Munkittrick of Puck, a man with a rare
+gift of buoyant humor, and I could make a fortune for everybody if we
+would only consent to "trot" together.
+
+I had no particular illusions as to my abilities; but the fact that
+Major Pond believed I could do it was enough for me. If the Gaekwar of
+Baroda should ever assure me that a cracked bit of Pittsburg plate glass
+was a diamond of fairest ray serene, I should be inclined to think there
+was something in it so long as he wasn't trying to sell it to me, and so
+when Major Pond was willing to stake his professional reputation on it
+that Munkittrick and I would make a highly acceptable platform
+constellation it was not for me to refuse to twinkle.
+
+I shall never forget the experience. The horrors of it were such that
+the Day of Judgment itself have possessed small terrors for me since. We
+were tried out at Albany, New York, before an audience of sixty people,
+in an auditorium capable of seating three thousand. Everything seemed to
+go wrong, and on our way up to Albany Munkittrick managed to catch a
+cold which left him terribly hoarse upon our arrival at the old Delavan
+House in New York's capital city. To overcome this hoarseness
+Munkittrick bought a box of troches of a well known brand, but instead
+of taking one or two of them he devoured the whole box in about twenty
+minutes, as if they had been gumdrops or marshmallows, with the result
+that his tongue began to swell up, and by eight o'clock when we were due
+on the platform that essential factor of clarity of enunciation was "too
+big for the job," if I may so put it, occupying not less than
+seven-eighths of the available space inside of Munkittrick's mouth, all
+of which, combined with the natural nervousness of a debut, put us quite
+out of commission.
+
+As a matter of fact we should never have gone out upon the platform; but
+we did, and while the chairman was announcing to the scattered multitude
+in front that we were the greatest combination of wit, eloquence, and
+humor the world had ever known, not even excepting Nye and Riley, who
+had so often delighted Albany audiences in the past, Munkittrick and I
+sat there quivering with fear, not even daring to look at each other. I
+do not believe that even the Babes in the Wood themselves looked upon
+their prospects with greater dread. It was an awful evening; so awful
+that before it was over a frivolous reaction set in which I truly think
+was the only thing that enabled us to push it through to the bitter end.
+
+Of course it was a failure. We knew that almost before we began; but it
+was borne in upon us at the end by the fact that the chairman, who had
+invited us to join him in a little supper afterward to meet a few of his
+friends, vanished as if the earth had opened up and swallowed him, and
+not a crumb of his supper or the hem of his garment did either of us
+ever see again. Fortunately we had been paid in cash before we went out
+upon the stage. If it had not been so, or had we been paid by a check on
+which payment could have been stopped, I doubt if either of us would
+have realized a penny on the transaction. Moreover, I did not venture to
+call upon the major for at least a week, and even then my meeting with
+him was merely casual. I bumped against him on the street in front of
+his office in the Everett House.
+
+"Hello, Bangs!" said he. "Have a good time at Albany?"
+
+"Fine!" said I. "The town is full of charming people."
+
+"Well--I'm _glad somebody enjoyed it_," said the major.
+
+"Any more bookings?" said I.
+
+"No," said the major, with a far-away look in his eye. "Fact is, old
+man, times are sort o' hard, and after thinking the matter over I've
+decided that I guess we'd better put off our drive for new business
+until--well, _until some other season_."
+
+And that was all the chiding I received from that kindly soul!
+
+Several years elapsed before I resumed professional relations with Major
+Pond, and the incident that brought about that resumption has always
+seemed to me to be most amusing, and to bring out in vivid colors the
+quality of the major's temper. Indeed it was about as illuminating a
+little farce-comedy as one would care to see.
+
+It happened that somewhere about the beginning of this century I was
+invited to prepare for a New York newspaper syndicate a series of
+satirical biographies of prominent personages of the day. The series was
+called "Who's What and Why in America." I was doing a great deal of
+other work at the time, and the managers of the syndicate fell in
+readily with my expressed view that lest my name should seem to appear
+too frequently, and in too many competing quarters, it would be best
+that for this venture I should use a pseudonym. I therefore did the work
+over the pen name of Wilberforce Jenkins. The series was very well
+received, and for over a year was one of the most popular syndicate
+features running, as a result of which Wilberforce Jenkins began to
+receive a great many letters from a great many people--so many as almost
+to make me personally jealous of his growing fame. Among other
+communications received was one from Major Pond, which ran somewhat like
+this:
+
+                                             New York, March 12, 1901.
+     WILBERFORCE JENKINS, Esq.
+
+     Dear Sir.--I have been reading with a great deal of interest your
+     sparkling biographies of the Men of To-day in the New York "Blank."
+     I don't want to flatter you, but you have more real humor in your
+     thumb than all the rest of the funny men of the day rolled into one
+     have in their million and a half fingers. Have you ever considered
+     the desirability of using your gifts on the lecture platform? If
+     you have, let me know. If you can talk half as well as you write,
+     you will be a winner. Come and see me some day and talk it over. I
+     think we can do business together.
+
+                               Very truly yours,      JAMES B. POND.
+
+The situation was too rich to neglect, and I resolved to have a little
+innocent fun with the major. I repaired almost immediately to the
+telephone and rang him up. The connection made, I inquired:
+
+"Is this Major Pond?"
+
+"Yes," was the reply. "Who are you?"
+
+"Major J. B. Pond of the Pond Lyceum Bureau?" I continued.
+
+"Yes, I'm Major Pond. Who's this talking?" he answered.
+
+"I am Wilberforce Jenkins, the Who's What and Why man, Major," said I.
+
+"Well--say, old man," said he, with a pleasant touch of enthusiasm in
+his voice, "I'm mighty glad to hear from you. That's A-1 stuff you are
+running in the _Blank_. Did you get my letter?"
+
+"Yes," said I. "That's why I am ringing you up."
+
+"Good!" said he. "Ready to talk turkey, are you?"
+
+"Well--I don't know about that, Major," said I hesitatingly. "Of course
+I know who you are, and the kind of things you do; but--well, to be
+quite frank with you, I don't know whether I want to do business with
+you or not."
+
+"Oh!" said the major. "That's it, is it? Well--what seems to be the
+matter?"
+
+"Oh, nothing much," said I. "Only I was talking with a man about you the
+other day, and from one or two things he said--"
+
+"What did he say?" the major blurted out.
+
+"Well, to begin with, he said you were an old palaverer," said I. "He
+intimated that there was a good deal of what you might call hatwork in
+the quality of your conversation. He said he'd done business with you
+once, and while he liked you personally you were not all you seemed to
+think you were as an impresario."
+
+"Who the deuce ever told you that?" demanded the major. "You say he did
+business with me once?"
+
+"So he said," said I. "And he was pretty outspoken about it too. He told
+me his tour with you was a rank failure."
+
+"I'd like to know his name," said the major, and I could almost hear the
+dear old gentleman biting into the wire.
+
+"Well, I guess he wouldn't mind my telling," said I. "There wasn't
+anything particularly confidential about our talk. His name is
+Bangs--John Kendrick Bangs."
+
+My name came back at me over the wire like an explosion of dynamite.
+"_Bangs_!" retorted the major. "Good Lord--_Bangs_! Does he call a trip
+up to Albany and back a tour? _I guess he was a failure!_ I can tell you
+things about Bangs as a platform performer that'll show you mighty quick
+whose failure it was, and if you want to bring him along to hear what I
+have to say on that subject, _bring him_. The idea! My Heavens, old
+man--why, he--"
+
+"Oh, never mind all that, Major," said I. "I'm only telling you what he
+said. I don't have to take it all as gospel truth, you know."
+
+"Well I guess not!" snorted the major.
+
+"Now I'm very busy these days," I continued, "and I really haven't got
+time to go to your office; but if you will take lunch with me to-morrow
+at the Century Club, about one o'clock, we can talk this thing over."
+
+"I'll be there," said the major. "One o'clock sharp, and meanwhile if
+you run across J. K. tell him with my compliments that he can go to
+thunder. _Tour!_ I like that!"
+
+"All right, Major," said I. "Don't fail me."
+
+And there our telephone conversation closed. The following morning I
+arranged at the club to have the major ushered into the reception room
+in case he called and asked for Wilberforce Jenkins, and as the hour
+approached I lingered around to see the fun.
+
+Faithful to the minute the major arrived at one o'clock, inquired for
+Mr. Jenkins, and was requested to wait in the reception room, since Mr.
+Jenkins had not yet come in. After he had been sitting there for about
+five minutes I decided that the time for action had arrived; so I walked
+into the reception room myself.
+
+"Why--hello, Major!" said I, as cordially as I really felt. "How are you
+these days?"
+
+"I'm all right," he said coldly, ignoring my outstretched hand.
+
+"What are you doing here?" I asked.
+
+"I don't know that that's any of your business, Bangs," said he,
+bridling up; "but I don't mind telling you that I've come to meet a man
+who when it comes to writing real humor has got you skinned eight
+billion miles."
+
+"Good!" said I. "Who is this eighth wonder of the world?"
+
+"His name," said Major Pond, "is Wilberforce Jenkins."
+
+"Oh, Lord!" said I. "That faker? Well, I am at least glad to know what
+your standards of humor are."
+
+"_Faker?_" retorted the major. "You seem to have some gift for saying
+nice things about your friends, Bangs," he added witheringly.
+
+"Friends?" said I, with a laugh of scorn. "You don't call that idiot
+Wilberforce Jenkins a friend of mine, do you? You must think I let
+myself go pretty cheap."
+
+"Well, he seemed to think you were a friend of his--at least he told me
+so--but of course a man may be mistaken in respect to that," he observed
+significantly.
+
+"Well, don't you believe a word he says, Major," said I. "I know
+Wilberforce Jenkins all the way through, and he and truth aren't upon
+speaking terms. You say he has invited you here to meet him?"
+
+"To take lunch with him," said the major.
+
+"Well of all the pure unmitigated _nerve_!" said I. "That shows you what
+sort of fellow Jenkins is. Why, Major, _he isn't even a member here_! He
+has a ten-day card from me; but that doesn't entitle him to invite you
+or anybody else here. You'd better come upstairs and have lunch with
+me."
+
+"I'll starve first!" said the major.
+
+"Oh, all right," said I. "If you won't, you won't; but I'll bet you five
+dollars right now that Wilberforce Jenkins doesn't come!"
+
+"I don't bet," said the major. "I gave up gambling after that _tour_ of
+yours up to Albany and back. It doesn't pay."
+
+I retired to a writing table at one end of the room, and pretended to be
+busy at letter writing for some ten or fifteen minutes, keeping one sly
+eye on the major the while. He was visibly chafing. Now and then he
+would take out his watch, and gaze intently into its telltale face. Then
+he would rise and inspect the pictures on the walls. When half-past one
+came and there was no Wilberforce Jenkins in sight his patience was
+manifestly near its end, and regarding that as the psychological moment
+I again approached him.
+
+"'_He cometh not, she said_,'" I quoted in my most plaintive tones. "And
+what's more, Major, he won't never be here. He never kept a promise or
+an engagement in his life. Come along--change your mind and take lunch
+with me."
+
+"_I wouldn't lunch with you if_--" he began.
+
+And then I burst out laughing. I could not carry the farce a bit
+further. "Major," said I, "the reason why I know all about this
+Wilberforce Jenkins and his general unreliability is very simple--_I am
+Wilberforce Jenkins myself_."
+
+The old gentleman gasped. His face was a study for a moment, and then
+with a great laugh he sprang to his feet, and seized me by the arm.
+"Here, Bangs," he said, "get your hat and come along with me! We'll eat
+at Delmonico's."
+
+"But you said just now you wouldn't take lunch with me," I protested.
+
+"Yes, but by Simeon," he retorted, "_I never said that you wouldn't take
+lunch with me_, and by the Eternal _you'll come or I'll carry you_!"
+
+And the only hatchet that ever threatened our friendship was buried on
+the instant.
+
+Major Pond was indeed a rare and a loyal spirit. He always credited
+James Redpath with being the Father of the Modern Lyceum, and perhaps he
+was right. The Modern Lyceum owes much to James Redpath; but as for me I
+prefer to award its paternal honors to Major Pond. His interest in it,
+and his affectionate attitude toward those he helped along its
+sometimes rugged path, were too strictly fatherly to warrant any lesser
+title at the hands of one of its most grateful sons.
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+Various punctuation errors have been corrected without comment.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROM PILLAR TO POST***
+
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+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of From Pillar to Post, by John Kendrick Bangs</title>
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+
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+</head>
+<body>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, From Pillar to Post, by John Kendrick Bangs,
+Illustrated by Jno. R. Neill</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: From Pillar to Post</p>
+<p>       Leaves from a Lecturer's Note-Book</p>
+<p>Author: John Kendrick Bangs</p>
+<p>Release Date: May 3, 2011  [eBook #36026]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROM PILLAR TO POST***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>E-text prepared by Steve Read, Suzanne Shell,<br />
+    and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (<a href="http://www.pgdp.net">http://www.pgdp.net</a>)<br />
+    from page images generously made available by<br />
+    Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries<br />
+    (<a href="http://www.archive.org/details/toronto">http://www.archive.org/details/toronto</a>)</h4>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<table border="0" style="background-color: #ccccff;margin: 0 auto;" cellpadding="10">
+  <tr>
+    <td valign="top">
+      Note:
+    </td>
+    <td>
+      Images of the original pages are available through
+      Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries. See
+      <a href="http://www.archive.org/details/frompillartopost00banguoft">
+      http://www.archive.org/details/frompillartopost00banguoft</a>
+	</td>
+  </tr>
+</table>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="500" height="775" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h1>FROM PILLAR TO POST</h1>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs01.jpg" width="365" height="500" alt="&quot;I shall have to borrow some of your manly courage to carry me through." title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;I shall have to borrow some of your
+manly courage to carry me through."</span>
+</div>
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/tp.jpg" width="316" height="500" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+<h1>FROM PILLAR TO POST<br /></h1>
+
+<h3>LEAVES FROM A LECTURER'S NOTE-BOOK</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>BY</h3>
+<h2>JOHN KENDRICK BANGS</h2>
+<h4><span class="smcap">Author of "The House-Boat on the Styx," Etc.</span></h4>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<div class='center'>
+WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY<br />
+JNO. R. NEILL<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+NEW YORK<br />
+THE CENTURY CO.<br />
+1916</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<div class='center'>Copyright, 1916, by<br />
+<span class="smcap">The Century Co.</span><br />
+<br />
+Copyright, 1915, by<br />
+<span class="smcap">Associated Sunday Magazines Incorporated</span><br />
+<br />
+<i>Published, March, 1916</i></div>
+
+<hr />
+<div class='center'>TO<br />
+THAT WISE COUNSELLOR<br />
+AND STERLING FRIEND<br />
+J. HENRY HARPER<br />
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[viii]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="PREFATORY_NOTE" id="PREFATORY_NOTE"></a>PREFATORY NOTE</h2>
+
+
+<p>I could not let these random notes of a delightful experience go forth
+into the world without expressing in some way my deep appreciation of
+the valued services rendered me in my ten years of platform work by my
+friends of the Lyceum Bureaus. In office and in the field they have
+labored strenuously, often affectionately, and always loyally, on my
+behalf. But for their interest some of the most cherished experiences of
+my life would have been beyond my reach. If sometimes in their zeal to
+keep me busy they have booked me in Winnipeg on Monday night, in New
+Orleans on Tuesday night, with little side-trips to San Diego,
+California, and Presque Isle, Maine, on Wednesday and Thursday, not to
+mention grand finales at Omaha and Key West on Friday and Saturday, I
+view that sequence rather as a tribute to my agility than as a matter to
+be unduly captious about. It is a manifestation of a confidence in my
+powers to overcome the limitations of time and space that I think upon
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_ix" id="Page_ix">[ix]</a></span>with an expanding head, if not with a swelling heart, and whether this
+required annihilation of distance has been wholly agreeable or not it
+has enabled me to see more of my own country than I otherwise could have
+seen, and to that extent, I hope, has made a better American of me.</p>
+
+<p>Wherefore before beginning our ramble from Pillar to Post I record here
+in testimony of my gratitude to them the names of Arthur C. Coit, and
+Louis J. Alber, of the Coit Lyceum Bureau of Cleveland, Ohio; of Frank
+A. Morgan, of the Mutual Lyceum Bureau, of Chicago; of Kenneth M. White,
+of the White Entertainment Bureau of Boston; of S. Russell Bridges, of
+the Alkahest Lyceum System of Atlanta, Georgia; of J. B. Pond, Jr., and
+that tried friend both in the Lyceum field and out of it, William C.
+Glass, of the J. B. Pond Lyceum Bureau of New York.</p>
+
+<p>Thanks are due to the publishers of <i>Every Week</i> for courtesies
+extended, and finally I desire to inscribe a word of affectionate esteem
+for my friends, J. Thomson Willing, and that inspiring editorial guide
+and mentor, William A. Taylor, of the Associated Sunday Magazines, under
+whose genial direction these papers were first presented to the public.</p>
+
+<p style='text-align: right'><span class="smcap">John Kendrick Bangs.</span></p>
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_x" id="Page_x">[x]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS</h2>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Contents">
+<tr><td align='left'> </td><td align='left'> </td><td align='left'><small>PAGE</small></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>I</td><td align='left'>GETTING USED TO IT</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_3">3</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>II</td><td align='left'>SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_23">23</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>III</td><td align='left'>GETTING THE LEVEL</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_40">40</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>IV</td><td align='left'>THE GOOD SAMARITAN</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_61">61</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>V</td><td align='left'>A VAGRANT POET</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_83">83</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>VI</td><td align='left'>BACK-HANDED COMPLIMENTS</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_98">98</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>VII</td><td align='left'>FRIENDS OF THE ROAD</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_116">116</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>VIII</td><td align='left'>CHAIRMEN I HAVE MET</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_134">134</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>IX</td><td align='left'>CHANCE ACQUAINTANCES</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_155">155</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>X</td><td align='left'>HUMORS OF THE ROAD</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_175">175</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>XI</td><td align='left'>MINE HOST</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_196">196</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>XII</td><td align='left'>PERILS OF THE PLATFORM</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_220">220</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>XIII</td><td align='left'>EMBARRASSING MOMENTS</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_243">243</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>XIV</td><td align='left'>"SLINGS AND ARROWS"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_266">266</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>XV</td><td align='left'>EMERGENCIES</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_290">290</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>XVI</td><td align='left'>A PIONEER MANAGER</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_318">318</a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xi" id="Page_xi">[xi]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xii" id="Page_xii">[xii]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS" id="LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS"></a>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</h2>
+
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="">
+<tr><td align='left'> </td><td align='right'><small>PAGE</small></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"I shall have to borrow some of your manly courage
+to carry me through"</td><td align='left'><i>Frontispiece</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"It was indeed a pretty sight to me!"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_21">21</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Yes, and you are fifty years behind us in every other
+respect!"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_28">28</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>I knew that I had met a "Southern Gentleman"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_31">31</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"The consciously superior person cannot last long on
+the lecture platform"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_43">43</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"If there's anything you want to know about Darwin's
+Origin of Species, you ask me!"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_60">60</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"I cannot say that his first remark was wholly cordial"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_70">70</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"I'm an Ohio man, and I'll cash the check for you on
+your looks"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_79">79</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>In the last stages of poverty</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_85">85</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Suffering Centipedes!" he cried. "That man must
+have been brought up on the bottle!"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_93">93</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"The lecturer must deliver the goods!"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_100">100</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"They may 'go to sleep in his face'"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_103">103</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"I have been after 'em, suh; but it ain't no use"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_122">122</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"These men on the engines are great characters"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_130">130</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Pile it on so thick that the lecturer has to struggle
+hard to make good"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_136">136</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"The last I saw of my kindly host"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_145">145</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_xiii" id="Page_xiii">[xiii]</a></span>"When he got through I could have qualified for a
+college degree on the subject of straw hats"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_162">162</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"She ast me was you so very comical," said he</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_171">171</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"If yo're dealin' in brains, hit ain't likely yo' got
+enough to gib any away"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_185">185</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"A Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Locomotives
+would have had them indicted then and there"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_191">191</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"If it were possible to sweep a room clean with a
+welcoming wave of the hand&mdash;"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_199">199</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Cannot sleep comfortably between the sheets of
+William James's pragmatic philosophy, dry as
+they are"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_202">202</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"If he had shifted his chewing gum to the other side,
+we should have plunged into the river"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_227">227</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Laughter where tears would have been more appropriate"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_239">239</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"I found the building wholly dark"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_247">247</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"But what was the point of this little joke last night?</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_264">264</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"My grinning countenance stared back at me unflinchingly"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_276">276</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"I was the sudden recipient of a blow on top of my
+head"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_283">283</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"A craving to settle lingering doubts as to my right
+to be there"</td><td align='right'><a href="#Page_298">298</a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h1>FROM PILLAR TO POST</h1>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="I" id="I"></a>I</h2>
+
+<h3>GETTING USED TO IT</h3>
+
+
+<p>"I cannot imagine a more disagreeable way of qualifying for the income
+tax," said one of America's most noted after-dinner speakers to me when
+at a chance meeting he and I were discussing the joys and woes of the
+lecture platform. I must admit that in a way I sympathized with him; for
+I knew something of the sufferings endured for days and nights prior to
+one's own public appearance as an after-dinner or platform speaker.</p>
+
+<p>There was a time many years ago, upon which I look back with wonder that
+I ever came through it without nervous prostration, when I suffered
+those selfsame mental agonies as the hour approached for the fulfilment
+of one of those rash promises which men fond of the sound of their<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> own
+voices make months in advance to those subtle flatterers who would lure
+them from the easy solitudes of silence into the uneasy limelight of
+after-dinner oratory. Not without reason has a certain wit, whose name
+is unfortunately lost to fame, referred to the chairs behind the guest
+table on the raised platform at revelries of this nature as "The Seats
+of the Mighty and Miserable."</p>
+
+<p>These sufferings involve a loss of appetite for days in advance of the
+event; a complete derangement of the nervous system, with no chance of
+recovery for at least ten days preceding the emergent hour, since sleep
+either refuses to come to one's relief altogether, or coming brings in
+its train a species of nerve-racking dream which leaves the last estate
+of the weary slumberer worse than the first. The complication is far
+more difficult to handle than that involved in the maturity of a
+promissory note which one is unable to meet; for there are conditions
+under which a tender-hearted creditor will permit a renewal of the
+latter sort of obligation, and this thought provides some sort of rift
+in the cloud of a debtor's despair.</p>
+
+<p>But in the matter of public speaking there is no such comforting
+possibility. Nothing short of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span> inglorious flight, painful accident, or
+serious illness, can save the signer of that promissory note for
+twenty-five hundred personally conducted after-dinner words from being
+called upon to pay in full the moment the note falls due. He can't even
+plead to be permitted the payment of one paragraph on account, and the
+balance in thirty days.</p>
+
+<p>The contract can neither be evaded, postponed, nor sublet. It is then or
+never with him, and while no great harm would come to the world if
+ninety-nine and seven-eighths per cent. of the after-dinner speeches of
+the ages had gone unspoken, no man of the right, forward-looking,
+upstanding sort, whether his speeches be good, bad, or, like the most of
+them, merely indifferent, may wilfully or comfortably permit a promise
+of that nature to go to protest.</p>
+
+<p>Yes, I sympathized with that excellent gentleman. I have known him to
+take to his bed three days before the ordeal, tremblingly approach the
+banquet board, rise to his feet, his nerves taut as a G string, his
+knees quaking in the merciful seclusion of the regions under the table,
+and then, with hardly a glimmering of consciousness of what he was doing
+or saying, his whole being thrilled with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span> terror, acquit himself
+brilliantly, to return home at the conclusion of his trial physically
+and nervously prostrated.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>One of the happiest recollections of my platform work, nevertheless, had
+to do with just such a shivering, quivering condition. It was many years
+ago&mdash;back in the mid-'90's of the last century, that so-called crazy
+end-of-the-century period, which inspired Max Nordau's depressing
+treatise on Degeneracy, and yet now seems so gloriously sane in contrast
+to what is going on in the world at the present time.</p>
+
+<p>In some mysterious fashion I had succeeded in writing what the literary
+world is pleased to term a "best seller," and was in consequence
+enjoying a taste of that notoriety which inexperienced youth so often
+confounds with immortality. One result was a tolerably persistent demand
+that I exhibit myself at one of those then popular functions known as
+Authors' Readings. This was a form of entertainment almost as
+barbarically cruel as those ancient ceremonies in which Christian
+martyrs were thrown into an arena to demonstrate their powers in
+combatting irritated tigers, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span> such other blood-thirsty beasts of the
+jungle as the ingenious fancy of the management might suggest. It was,
+in a manner of speaking, a sort of Literary Hagenbeck Show, whither the
+curious among the readers of the day were lured in sweet Charity's name
+by the promise of a personal performance by real literary lions, with an
+occasional wild goose or two wearing temporarily the gorgeous plumage of
+the Birds of Parnassus, thrown in to make the program longer.</p>
+
+<p>Invited to take part in one of these affairs, and feeling that for
+posterity's sake it was my duty to rivet my firm grasp upon Fame by
+keeping such company as my remotest great-grandchild could wish to have
+me known by, I carelessly accepted as if it were easy to comply, and all
+in the day's work of a new sun dawning upon the horizon of letters.</p>
+
+<p>But when the fateful evening arrived a "change came o'er the spirit of
+my dream." Two dread situations arose which bade fair to drive me either
+into the nearest sanatorium, or to the obscurity of the deepest
+available jungle. Had I yielded to my immediate impulse, I should have
+flown as far afield as the Virginia negro who, upon being advised to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span>
+leave town lest he suffer certain extreme penalties for his misdeeds,
+replied that he was "gwine, an' gwine so fur it'll cost nine dollars to
+send a postal card back."</p>
+
+<p>On one side of the curtain at the great metropolitan hall where the
+Readings were to be held sat nearly three thousand hungry readers,
+waiting to see six unhappy authors prove whether or no they could read
+their own productions and survive; and on the other side of the curtain
+were five real Immortals and my sorely agitated self. My fellow
+sufferers that night were Dr. Silas Weir Mitchell, Dr. Henry Van Dyke,
+William Dean Howells, the lamented Frank R. Stockton, and the ever
+unforgettable Mrs. Julia Ward Howe.</p>
+
+<p>It was rather godlike company for a mere mortal like myself, and as I
+gazed upon them I realized, perhaps for the first time, the magnificent
+distances that lie between Yonkers-on-Hudson and Parnassus-by-Helicon.
+Frozen from heel to toe by the thought of having to appear before so
+vast and critical an audience, the complete refrigeration of my nervous
+system was accomplished by the thought of even temporary association
+with those fixed stars in the firmament of American Letters.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span> Instead of
+a burning torch on the heights of Olympus, I felt myself more of a
+possible cinder in the public eye. One might be willing to appear before
+a Court of Literary Justice in the company of any one of them, but to
+assume equality with five such household words all at once, and
+especially before an audience many of whose members had from time
+immemorial known me as "Johnny"&mdash;well, to speak with frankness, it got
+on my nerves.</p>
+
+<p>My condition was like that foreshadowed by a good old neighbor of mine
+up on the coast of Maine, who when I asked him one morning if he ever
+felt nervous when the thunder was roaring, and the lightning was
+striking viciously, replied, "No, I hain't never felt nervous: <i>I'm jest
+plain dam skeert to death!</i>" If the exits from the stage had not been
+guarded, I should have fled; but there was no escape, and while I
+awaited my turn to go out upon the platform I paced the back of the
+stage, concealed from the public gaze by a drop scene, shaking from head
+to foot with a nervous chill. I can scarcely even now bring myself to
+believe that there was a seismograph anywhere between the northern and
+southern poles so callous as to fail to register my vibrations.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It became evident as the moment approached that I should be utterly
+unable to go out upon the platform and do anything but dance: not after
+the graceful manner of Mr. and Mrs. Vernon Castle, but of Saint Vitus
+himself. To have held a book, even so light a one as my own, in my
+shaking hand would have been physically impossible, and then, just as I
+was about to seek out the chairman of the committee of arrangements, and
+plead a sudden stroke of some sort, I felt a womanly arm thrust through
+my own, and a soft white hand was laid gently and soothingly upon my
+wrist. I glanced to my side, and there stood Mrs. Julia Ward Howe, her
+lovely eyes full of sympathy, touched with a joyous reassuring twinkle.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Mr. Bangs," said she, with a slight catch and tremor in her voice,
+"do you know I am so nervous about going out before all those people
+to-night that I really believe I shall have to borrow some of your manly
+courage and strength to carry me through!"</p>
+
+<p>A marvelous transformation of nervous attitude was the immediate result,
+a determination to rush to the aid of a lady flying a signal of distress
+summoning all my latent courage to her cause. A<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> realization of the
+lovely tactfulness of her approach and its true significance, and the
+prompt response of my sense of humor, not yet quite dead, to the exact
+facts of the situation, made a man of me for the time being&mdash;a man who
+would dare the undarable, attempt the unattainable, and if need be, as
+the eloquent African preacher once observed, "onscrew the onscrutable."
+Nervousness, cowardice, muscular vibrations, and all disappeared like
+the mists of the night before the radiance of the dawn in the face of
+that gracious woman's tactful humor, and later on I went forth to my
+doom so brazenly, and smiling so confidently, that one critic in the
+next morning's newspaper intimated without much subtlety of phrasing
+that I enjoyed myself far more than my audience did.</p>
+
+<p>It would be too much to say that Mrs. Howe's timely intervention on my
+behalf effected a permanent cure of my nervousness in platform work; but
+it has helped me much to overcome it; for many a time since, when
+through sheer weariness, or for some purely psychological reason, I have
+approached my work with uneasy forebodings, the memory of that
+delightful incident has come back to me, and I have invariably found
+relief from my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span> fears in the smile which it never fails to bring to my
+lips, and to my spirit as well.</p>
+
+<p>I do not know that it would be a good thing for any public speaker ever
+to approach the emergent hour with entire assurance and utterly
+calloused nerves. Such a condition might well bespeak an indifference to
+the work in hand which would result either in a purely mechanical
+delivery, or one so careless as to destroy the effect of the lecturer's
+most valuable asset&mdash;a sympathetic personality. I recall far back in my
+college days, in the early '80's of the last century, meeting at one of
+my fraternity conventions that inspiring publicist, the late Senator
+Frye of Maine. In the course of a pleasant chat, having myself to appear
+before the convention with a committee report the following morning, and
+feeling a trifle uncertain as to how I was going to "come through," I
+asked the senator if he was ever a victim to nervousness when making a
+public address, and his answer was very suggestive.</p>
+
+<p>"Always, my lad," said he, "always! I have been making public speeches
+off and on now for twenty-five or thirty years, and even to-day when I
+rise up to speak in the United States Senate,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span> or on the stump, my knees
+shake a little under me. And I'm glad they do, Son," he went on
+significantly; "for if they didn't, I should begin to feel that the days
+of my usefulness were over, for it would mean that I really didn't care
+whether I got through safely or not."</p>
+
+<p>So it was that up to a certain point I sympathized with my friend the
+distinguished after-dinner speaker when he intimated that the lecture
+platform was no bed of roses. For one of his nervous organization and
+temperament it would be impossible. It would make a nervous wreck of him
+in a short while, and in the end would shorten his life, even as it has
+shortened the span of many another robust spirit; such as the late
+Alfred Tennyson Dickens, for instance, who in very truth succumbed to
+the exactions of travel and of a lovely hospitality that he knew not how
+to resist.</p>
+
+<p>But for myself there is so much in the work that is inspiring, so much
+that is pleasing in the human relationships it makes possible, that but
+for the discomforts of travel I could really feed upon it spiritually,
+and seek no happier diet. I defy any man to be a pessimist on the
+subject of American character after a season or two on the lecture<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span>
+platform; provided of course that he is a reasonably sympathetic man,
+and is so constituted in matters social that he is what the politicians
+call a "good mixer."</p>
+
+<p>To the man who is not interested in the human animal, and insists upon
+judging all men by his own rigid and narrow standards, measuring souls
+by a yardstick, as it were, the work can never be a joy; but if he is
+broad enough to take people as he finds them, looking for the good that
+lies inherent in every human being, and judging them by the measure of
+their capacity to become what they were designed to be, and are honestly
+trying to be, then he will find it full of a living and a loving
+interest almost equal to that of the "joy forever."</p>
+
+<p>Pasted in my spiritual hat is a little rime by one whose name modesty
+forbids my mentioning, running:</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I can't be what Shakespeare was,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I can't do what great folks does;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">But, by Ginger, I can be</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 6em;">ME!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And among the folks that love me</span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Nothin' more's expected of me.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The wandering platform speaker who will heed the intimations of that
+little rime, and seize the friendships in kind that surely await his
+coming in all parts of this great, genial country of ours, will find a
+wondrous store of happiness ready to his hand. If in addition to this he
+will cultivate the habit of looking for good in unpromising places, and
+of resolutely refusing to admit the power of small irritations to
+destroy his peace of mind, he will get along nicely. The latter of
+course requires resolution of a kind that is persistent in the face of
+unremitting annoyances. To say that these annoyances do not exist would
+be idle; but not half so idle as the act of giving them controlling
+importance in the making or the unmaking of a day's happiness.</p>
+
+<p>The sooner one who travels the Platform Path learns to suspend judgment
+as to his fellow beings, and to suspect the fallacy of the obvious, the
+better it will be for him, and for his personal comfort. The first
+conspicuous lesson I had in this particular was out in Arizona on my
+first extended tour in our wonderful West in 1906. I found myself one
+afternoon on my way from Los Angeles to Ph&#339;nix. After having satisfied
+the inner man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span> with an excellent Fred Harvey luncheon&mdash;an edible oasis
+always in a desert of indigestibility&mdash;I had retired to the smoking car
+for that spiritual refreshment which comes from watching the smoke
+wreaths curl upward from the end of a good cigar.</p>
+
+<p>Unhappily for the quality of that refreshment, I was no sooner seated in
+the smoking room that I perceived that I was surrounded by men who,
+judging by surface indications, were hopeless vulgarians. Among them
+were three especially whose conversation was even lower than their
+brows. I think I can best describe their conversation by saying that in
+all probability Boccaccio's lady companions out Fiesole way, at the time
+of the plague that drove the Florentine Four Hundred beyond the city
+limits, would have fled blushingly before it, taking refuge by
+preference in the pure, undefiled Rolloisms of the Decameron itself;
+while poor old Rabelais, not always a master of reticence in things
+better left unsaid, would, I am sure, have joined a literary branch of
+the I. W. W. in sheer rebellion, rather than sully the refinement of his
+pen by taking down any part of it.</p>
+
+<p>One has to listen to a great deal of this sort of thing en route, and
+pending the discovery of some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span> kind of vocal silencer that shall render
+such communications as noiseless as they are corrupting to good manners,
+or a portable muffler which the unwilling listener may place over his
+ears, the wandering platform performer who has not yet reached a point
+where he can give up his cigar and be happy must needs endure them.
+Indeed he is doing well if he is not lured into a shamefaced enjoyment
+of such talk; for it must be admitted that some of the traveling
+companions one meets thus by chance have rare powers as story-tellers,
+and pour forth at times most objectionable periods with a smiling
+enthusiasm almost fetching enough to tempt a Simeon Stylites down from
+the top of his pillar into the lower regions of their alluring good
+fellowship.</p>
+
+<p>Neither a prig nor a prude am I; but on this particular occasion the
+gross results of the conversation were so very gross as to preclude the
+possibility of there being any "net proceeds" of value, and I fled.</p>
+
+<p>On returning to my place in the sleeper I noticed in the section
+directly across the aisle a handsome Englishwoman, traveling with no
+other companion than a little daughter, a child of about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> three and a
+half years of happy, bubbling youth. The little one was seated on her
+mother's lap, and was enjoying a "let's pretend" drive across country,
+using the maternal lorgnette chain in lieu of the ribbons wherewith to
+guide her imaginary steeds.</p>
+
+<p>An hour passed, when a boisterous laugh from the rear of the car
+indicated the approach of the three barbarians of the smoker, who to my
+disgust a moment later settled themselves in the section directly in
+front of mine, and to my dismay began apparently to take a greater
+interest in the lady across the aisle than the ordinary usages of polite
+human intercourse warranted, lacking a formal introduction.</p>
+
+<p>I have never posed as a Squire of Dames, and I have a wholesome distaste
+for such troubles as an unseeing eye enables a man to avoid; but the
+intrusion of these Goths, not to say Vandals, upon the lady's right to
+travel unmolested was so obvious that I couldn't help seeing and
+inwardly resenting it. The woman herself treated the situation with
+becoming coolness and dignity, showing only by a slight change of color,
+and now and then a vexed biting of the lips, that she noticed it at
+all;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> but the cooler she became the more strenuous became the efforts of
+the barbarians to "scrape an acquaintance."</p>
+
+<p>I held an inward debate with myself as to my duty in the premises. I did
+not care to get into a row; but the ogling soon became so pronounced
+that it really seemed necessary to interfere. I reached out my hand to
+ring for such reinforcements as the porter and the conductor might be
+able to bring to our assistance, when to my astonishment the worst
+offender of the three rose from his seat, and stepped quickly to the
+lady's side&mdash;and then there was revealed to me the marvelous wisdom of
+the old injunction, "Judge not, that ye be not judged"; for the supposed
+ruffian, whom I would a moment before have willingly, and with seeming
+justification, thrown bodily from the train, with the manner of a
+Chesterfield in the rough lifted his hat and spoke.</p>
+
+<p>"You will excuse me for speaking to you, ma'am," he said, and there was
+a wistful smile on his lips and a tenderness in his eye worthy of a
+seemingly better cause, "but I'm&mdash;I'm what they call a drummer, a
+traveling man, and I've been away from home for three months. I've got<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span>
+a little girl of my own at home about the same age as this kid of yours,
+and I tell you, ma'am, you'd ease off an awful case of homesickness if
+you'd let me play with the little lady just for a few minutes."</p>
+
+<p>The mother's heart seemed to go right out to him, as did mine also. She
+smiled graciously, and handed over her little daughter to the tender
+mercies of that group whose presence I had fled only a short while
+before&mdash;and for the rest of the afternoon that Pullman sleeper was
+transformed into a particularly bright and joyous nursery that echoed
+and re&euml;choed to the merry laughter of happy childhood.</p>
+
+<p>If there is an animal of any kind in the zoos of commerce that those men
+did not impersonate during the next two or three hours I do not know its
+name, the especially objectionable barbarian transforming himself
+instantly on demand into an elephant, a yak, a roaring lion, a tiger, or
+a leopard changing its spots as actively as a flea, and all with a
+graceful facility that Proteus himself might well have envied. And
+later, when night fell, and weariness came with it, in the dusk of the
+twilight it was indeed a pretty sight to me, and a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> sight that smote
+somewhat upon my conscience for my over-ready contempt of the earlier
+afternoon, when my gaze fell upon the figure of an exhausted drummer,
+his eyes half-closed, sleepily humming a tender lullaby to a tired
+little golden-haired stranger who lay cuddled up in his arms, fast
+asleep, with her head upon his breast.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs02.jpg" width="467" height="500" alt="&quot;It was indeed a pretty sight to me!&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;It was indeed a pretty sight to me!&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I like to think that that little incident was a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span> valuable contribution
+to my education in the science of brotherhood. It has not perhaps
+produced in my soul a larger tolerance of the intolerable in casual
+conversation, but it has served to warn me against the dangers of snap
+judgments, and has certainly broadened my sympathies in respect to my
+fellow man in my chance meetings with him upon the highways and byways
+of life, whence sometimes, in the loneliness of my wanderings, I have
+gathered much comfort, and reaped harvests in friendliness which
+otherwise I might have lost.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="II" id="II"></a>II</h2>
+
+<h3>SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY</h3>
+
+
+<p>In traveling about the country, and especially in the South, I have been
+impressed with the wisdom of the character in Owen Wister's delightful
+story of "The Virginian," who when another man applied an unspeakable
+name to him leveled a revolver in the speaker's face, and said, "When
+you call me that, say it with a smile!" (I quote from memory.) A moment
+on the road is made cheerful or difficult by the manner in which things
+are said, and the wanderer's homesickness is either relieved or deepened
+by the manner of a chance remark, which brings cheer if it be smiling,
+and a deeper sense of loneliness if it be otherwise.</p>
+
+<p>Throughout the South I have never felt quite so far away from home as in
+some parts of New England less than a hundred miles from my own
+rooftree, and I think that this is due largely to the positive effort on
+the part of the average<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span> Southern man or woman to maintain the
+traditional courtesy and hospitality of the South toward the stranger
+within its gates. It is only semi-occasionally that one finds in some
+sour-natured relic of other days any other attitude than that of smiling
+welcome, and even with the thermometer ranging close to the zero mark I
+have learned why the Southland is in spirit anyhow the "Land of Roses."</p>
+
+<p>It must be admitted, however, that when the departure from the attitude
+of cordiality is made it is done thoroughly, and with a sort of reckless
+truculence which the wary traveler will be wise to ascribe solely to its
+individual source.</p>
+
+<p>In the winter and spring of 1913 there was a great deal of work cut out
+for me in the Southern territory, and during my travels there, which
+involved the crossing and recrossing of every State in the section
+except Kentucky, from the Atlantic coast to the Mexican border, I
+encountered much in the way of human experience that is delightful to
+remember, and very little that I would rather forget. It was upon this
+trip that two incidents occurred which showed very clearly the
+difference between a cutting retort smilingly administered<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span> and that
+other kind of peculiarly rasping repartee, born of a soured nature that
+has confirmed its acid qualities by pickling itself in a mixture of
+equal parts of gloomy self-sympathy over fancied wrongs, and&mdash;well, not
+grape juice.</p>
+
+<p>There is a kind of tonic dispensed in certain of our prohibition States
+by licensed drugstores and carried by suffering patients in small black
+bottles, secreted in their hip pockets, like deadly weapons&mdash;which
+indeed they are (whence, possibly, we get the term "hipped" as
+descriptive of the ailment of the sufferer)&mdash;which does not exactly
+mellow the disposition of the consumer, whatever glow it may impart to
+his countenance.</p>
+
+<p>One morning I found myself on my way from Natchitoches, in Louisiana, a
+lovely survival of a picturesque old French trading post, a perfect home
+of roses, both human and floral, which will ever remain a garden spot in
+my memory, to Shreveport. It was in the middle of May, and the whole
+country was a delight to the eye, with its lovely greens and lush spring
+coloring. I was returning from a lecture before the State Normal School,
+and while sitting in the smoking car enjoying my weed was introduced to
+a gentleman (I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span> use the word carelessly, and without positive
+conviction) whom everybody had been calling "Judge." I am glad to say
+that I did not catch his last name. I do not even know whether or not he
+was really a judge, or, if he were, what he was a judge of. He reminded
+me more of the judges I have read of in fictional humor than any I have
+ever seen on the bench, and from his general attitude toward his fellows
+on the train I gained a tolerably clean-cut impression that he tried his
+"cases" in solitary state, rather than in that more open fashion which
+is such a bad example to the young, and productive of that ruinously
+extravagant disease known as "treating." I may be doing the man an
+injustice, but I am none the less trying to sketch him as I saw him. He
+had the manner and manners of the solitary reveler, and the generally
+"oily," but not suave, quality of his makeup confirmed my impression
+that any love of temperance he might manifest was purely academic, or,
+as one of our leading statesmen might put it, "largely psychological."
+Desirous of starting things along pleasantly after my introduction to
+the judge, I remarked upon the marvelous beauty of the country.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Everything is beautifully green about here," I said. "It is a positive
+pleasure to look out on those lovely fields."</p>
+
+<p>"Glad you like 'em," said the judge, helping himself to a generous
+mouthful of tobacco.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you see," said I, "I come from Maine, Judge, and I am
+particularly fond of the spring, and we don't get ours until late. I
+guess," I added, "that in respect to that we are about a month and a
+half behind you people down here."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said he explosively, "<i>and, by God! you are fifty years behind us
+in every other respect!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>It was a kindly and tactful remark, and I was duly edified. If he had
+said it smilingly, I should have been happier, and would have been
+inclined to enter upon a half-hour of jovial banter on the subject of
+the respective merits of our several States; but there was a truculent
+self-confidence about his honor's "atmosphere" that foreshadowed little
+in the way of a satisfactory issue had I ventured to carry the
+discussion further. I simply withdrew within myself, like a turtle,
+finished my cigar in silence, and returned to my seat in the chair car,
+convinced that in whatever line of action the judge was really an
+expert&mdash;law, history,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span> economics, or what-not&mdash;he at least knew how to
+put a cork in a bottle, and jam it in so tight that nothing could get
+out of it&mdash;I being the bottle.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs03.jpg" width="500" height="425" alt="&quot;Yes, and you are fifty years behind us in every other
+respect!&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;Yes, and you are fifty years behind us in every other
+respect!&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>As I sat for the rest of my journey in that chair car my mind reverted
+to another incident that had occurred two months earlier. The inviting
+causes were similar; but the party of the second part was a very
+different sort of individual. The judge was said to be prosperous, the
+owner of many acres<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span> of fertile sugar land, and had, or so I was
+informed, a professional income of fifteen thousand dollars a year. One
+would think he could have afforded to be genial under such conditions.
+The other was a man bent and broken under the stress of his years and
+his trials, coming home, after a lifetime of failure, to pass his
+remaining days, manifestly few in number, amid the scenes of his youth.
+What few locks were left him were gray, and he limped painfully when he
+walked. He had served on the Confederate side during the war, and still
+carried with him the evidences of sacrifice.</p>
+
+<p>I met him on the railway platform at a little junction town in Southern
+Tennessee. I was en route to a small college town in Upper Mississippi.
+We had had a long and tedious wait upon the fast decaying station
+platform, hoping almost against hope that at least day before
+yesterday's train would come along and pick us up, whatever might be the
+fate of the special combination of wheezy engine and spring-halted cars
+due that morning. As I nervously paced the dragging hours away I noticed
+this old fellow limping anxiously about, making over and over again of
+everybody he met<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> the same inquiry as to the probable arrival or
+non-arrival of our train; and now and then he would hobble with
+difficulty over to a small soap box, with a slatted top, which stood
+just outside the baggage room, in which there was imprisoned a poor,
+shivering, and I fancy hungry, little fox terrier, whining to be let
+out.</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind, Bobby," the old man would whisper through the slatted top
+of the box. "'Taint gwine to be much longer now. We'll be home soon."</p>
+
+<p>The kindly attitude of the old man toward the unhappy little animal
+touched me more deeply than his own poverty-stricken condition, and so,
+yielding to a friendly impulse, I stood by him for a moment and spoke to
+him.</p>
+
+<p>"It's a long wait," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, well," he said cheerfully, straightening himself up stiffly, "it's
+so near the end I ain't complainin'. I been waitin' fohty yeahs for
+this, Brother."</p>
+
+<p>"Forty years?" I repeated.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, suh," he replied, "fohty long yeahs, suh. I ain't been home since
+the end o' the wah, suh. An' now I'm comin' back, an' I reckon after I
+git<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span> thar thar ain't a gwine to be but one mo' journey, suh, befo' I'm
+through."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs04.jpg" width="425" height="500" alt="I knew that I had met a &quot;Southern Gentleman.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">I knew that I had met a &quot;Southern Gentleman.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"You mean&mdash;" I began.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm comin' home to die, suh," he said. "Not that I'm a gwine to be in
+any hurry to do it,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span> he added, with a winning smile, "but I'm tiahed o'
+wanderin', an' what's left o' my time hyah, suh, 'll pass mo' pleasantly
+back among the old scenes."</p>
+
+<p>I endeavored to cover up my emotions by offering the old man a cigar.</p>
+
+<p>"I thank you, suh," he said, taking it. "I'm very fond of a good
+seegyar, though I don't git 'em any too often, suh. Are you a Tennessee
+man, suh?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said I. "I come from Maine. That's a good way from here."</p>
+
+<p>And then it came. The old fellow gave a great chuckle, and reached out
+his hand and seized me by mine.</p>
+
+<p>"I want to shake your hand, suh," he said with rare cordiality. "<i>The
+last time I see a Maine man, suh, was durin' the wah, an' I was chasin'
+him with a gun. He was a darned good runner; but I ketched him, an' I'm
+glad I did, fo' he was a dam sight better feller than he was a runner!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>I must confess that when later in the day I saw the old gentleman get
+off the train in the midst of a welcoming multitude of old friends, with
+his battered old suitcase in one hand, and the slatted soap box
+containing the yelping Bobby in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> other&mdash;all his earthly
+possessions&mdash;I was glad to feel that he had come "home"; and as he waved
+a feeble but courteous adieu to me from the platform as the train drew
+out I knew that I had met a Southern gentleman of a peculiarly true and
+lovable sort.</p>
+
+<p>One finds much in these little jaunts in the Southland to appeal to
+one's sense of humor; but after all there is much more that appeals to
+one's sympathies. I had the pleasure of riding once in Louisiana on a
+train in company with an old Confederate soldier, who made me as
+completely his prisoner in the shackles of affectionate regard as he
+might, because of his powerful build, have made me a prisoner in fact
+had we met face to face on the field of battle. He was a man of
+convictions; but he was always so thoroughly the honest-hearted
+gentleman in presenting his points of view that, although we differed
+radically upon almost every matter of present political interest, I
+found for the moment, anyhow, a sweet reasonableness in his principles.
+His manner was so calm, and gracious, and transparently sincere, that I
+found him wholly captivating.</p>
+
+<p>His chance remark that he hoped to attend the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> great Confederate reunion
+shortly to be held at Chattanooga, or Chattanoogy, as he called it
+(there is always a soft, caressing accent in the real Southerner's
+discourse that changes a mere word or name into a term of endearment),
+naturally brought up a reference to the great conflict, and I took a
+certain amount of human pleasure out of the old man's present content
+with the general situation, as shown in the na&iuml;ve statement with which
+he began to talk on the subject.</p>
+
+<p>"You know, suh," said he, "I feel pretty well satisfied with the way
+things turned out, even though at the time, suh, I didn't want 'em to
+turn out just that a-way."</p>
+
+<p>"We are undoubtedly stronger as a nation to-day than if it had turned
+out differently," I ventured.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, suh," he said. "If we'd got away, suh, it wouldn't ha' been long
+befo' the principle o' the right o' secession havin' been established,
+we'd all ha' been secedin' from each othah, suh; and after the States
+had done all the secedin' they could the parishes would ha' begun
+secedin' from the States; an' the towns would ha' seceded from the
+parishes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span>&mdash;until the whole damn country would ha' landed in Mexico!"</p>
+
+<p>"I never thought of it in that light before," I smiled; "but I guess
+you're right."</p>
+
+<p>"An' that ain't all, neither, suh," he went on. "I'd ha' felt a great
+sight worse about it if we'd been licked, suh. If we'd been licked in
+that great fight, suh, I don't think I'd evah have got ovah it, suh."</p>
+
+<p>I maintained a discreet silence; for I could not but feel that I was on
+the verge of a great philosophical discovery.</p>
+
+<p>"When a fellah's licked, suh," the old man went on, "he just natcherly
+kain't help feelin' sore, suh; <i>but if he's merely ovahpowahed, suh&mdash;why
+that's very different</i>."</p>
+
+<p>There may be minds to which that distinction is too subtle to be either
+obvious or convincing; but the more I have thought it over since the
+more has it seemed to me to involve a profound philosophy which would
+make the world happier were it more widely accepted by those suffering
+from reverses of fortune. To me there was a whole sermon in that brief
+utterance, and the difference between being "licked" and being "merely
+overpowered"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> has been one out of which I have derived no end of comfort
+myself in hours of difficulty. To be whipped is one thing; to be merely
+overcome is indeed another!</p>
+
+<p>Nor was the old man's kindly feeling concerning the God of Things as
+They Are, as expressed in words, mere lip service; for in the course of
+our morning's chat other things developed which I am glad enough to put
+upon record for Northern eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"I wish," said he, "that you might stay ovah hyah at my home a day or
+two, suh, and let me take you to one of our Post meetin's, suh. We'd
+make you more than welcome."</p>
+
+<p>"Yank though I be, eh?" I laughed.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, indeed, suh," he replied. "We ain't got anything against you on
+that score, suh. My first meetin' with Yanks in a not strictly fightin'
+capacity was once when a half a dozen of 'em took me prisoner. I found
+myself surrounded by 'em one day durin' the wah when I was doin' picket
+duty, and the way they run me in was a caution, suh. They bein' six to
+one, I just let on that I was satisfied if they was."</p>
+
+<p>"And what did they do to you?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"They near killed me, suh, with seegyars, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> mo' real food than I'd
+seen in six months," he said with a chuckle. "The' wasn't anything they
+had, from plug tobacker and seegyars up to a real meat dinner that I
+didn't git mo' 'n my faiah share of."</p>
+
+<p>"And how long did they keep you?" I queried.</p>
+
+<p>"Fo' as long as I was willin' to stay, suh," was his reply. "The minute
+they see I was beginnin' to feel oneasy they run me back to the line
+again, and turned me loose. Speakin' about Yanks," he went on, "we've
+got five of 'em buried in our own Confederate graveyard in the cemetery,
+suh; and I'm kind of afraid it won't be long befo' they's six of 'em.
+One of yo' old soldiers from up No'th come down here fo' his health last
+year; but he's gone down steadily, and I reckon it ain't for long that
+he'll be with us. When we heard he was an old soldier our Post sent him
+to the hospital, and he's dyin' there now. He seemed to feel so bad
+about the idee o' bein' buried in the Potter's Field that we voted to
+give him a grave with the rest of the boys, and when he goes he'll lie
+with soldiers, like he's allers wanted to do."</p>
+
+<p>I could not find any words in the languages<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> known to me, dead or alive,
+to express what I felt, and so I kept silent.</p>
+
+<p>"He won't be forgotten, neither, after he gits there," the old fellow
+went on. "We have our Memorial Day, just as you have your Decoration
+Day, and every year we go up to the lot and decorate the graves of 'em
+all, Yank or Johnny, just the same. We put a little Confederate flag at
+the head of every grave that holds one of our own; and every one o' them
+Yanks has a little flag at the head of his grave too, only his is the
+flag he fought for, just as ours is the flag we fought for. It's a
+pretty sight, my friend," he added softly, "with them five little
+American flags flutterin' away among the sixty or seventy others."</p>
+
+<p>Verily this Southern hospitality is no vain thing, no mere empty show,
+or ingratiating veneer to make a spurious article seem real. Personal
+interest may sometimes rest at the basis of a seeming courtesy.
+Selfishness may lie often at the bottom of a superficial graciousness of
+manner assumed for the moment to conceal that very selfishness; but the
+hospitality that leads a body of old soldiers to grant at their own
+cost, and to take care of with their own loving hands, a green resting
+place, a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span> last sanctuary, for a former foe, that indeed is an unselfish,
+genuine kind of hospitality which, like the peace of God, passeth all
+understanding.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="III" id="III"></a>III</h2>
+
+<h3>GETTING THE LEVEL</h3>
+
+
+<p>One of the more serious dangers confronting the platform speaker is the
+presumption that his audience will not prove sufficiently intelligent to
+grasp him when he is at what he thinks is his best. I use the word
+"presumption" advisedly; for it is sheer presumption and nothing else,
+and I may add that if my experience has taught me anything, it is that
+it does not pay to be so presuming. If there is trouble anywhere in
+"getting one's stuff over," as the saying is, the fault will be found in
+ninety-nine cases out of a hundred to be with the lecturer, and not with
+his audience.</p>
+
+<p>My most earnest advice to those platform speakers who feel it necessary
+to "get <i>down</i> to the level" of an audience, instead of feeling an
+inward urge to climb <i>up</i> to it, is that they give up the platform
+altogether, and take up some other occupation where conscious
+superiority really counts; say that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> of head waiter in a New York
+restaurant, for instance, or possibly that of literary critic on the
+staff of a periodical, whose chief concern is pink socks, lavender
+neckties, and the mysteries of lingerie. In these occupations conscious
+superiority is an essential of success; but on the lecture platform the
+consciously superior person cannot in the very nature of things last
+very long: not in this country, anyhow; for, as I have studied the
+American people face to face for the past ten years in every State of
+the Union, I have learned that their capacity for pricking a bubble of
+pretense on sight is surpassed only by their high appreciation of a
+speaker who immediately gets into the atmosphere of the special occasion
+confronting him.</p>
+
+<p>For my own part, I have come to believe that each occasion establishes
+its own "best," and that the chief duty confronting me is to measure up
+to the "best" demanded by that occasion if I can. For this reason one's
+lecture should be a moderately flexible affair, which can be so adjusted
+to each and every occasion that it fits an audience as nicely as a
+tailor-made garment. A lecture written out beforehand and committed to
+memory can never quite fulfil these requirements. It becomes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span> not a
+lecture, but an essay; not platform work, but literary work; should be
+read, not heard; and in its delivery becomes not a sympathetic talk, man
+to man, but a mere recitation.</p>
+
+<p>No one would be so foolish as to deny, however, that audiences do vary
+materially in their capacity to take in the subtler points of a lecture
+"fired" at them from the platform. I should not think of using the same
+phrases in a talk before a gathering in an East Side settlement house in
+New York that I would use before the ladies of a Browning Club in the
+vicinity of Boston, or before a body of college professors, or vice
+versa. But if I were fortunate enough to be asked to address all three,
+I should endeavor to vary the wording of my discourse according to the
+several needs of each, and base my notion of my "best" upon the demands
+of those particular needs. I confess also that if in one single audience
+all three classes of listeners were represented, I should not hesitate
+to put my thought into the language required by the capacity of the East
+Siders to understand, and be fairly assured of pleasing everybody; for
+it is my observation of the ways of ladies addicted to Browning, and of
+gentlemen of the academic kind, that they<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> are after all very human, and
+enjoy simplicity of discourse quite as much as the other sort.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs05.jpg" width="500" height="450" alt="&quot;The consciously superior person cannot last long on the
+lecture platform.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;The consciously superior person cannot last long on the
+lecture platform.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>There is greater sincerity in "playing to the gallery" than most of the
+critics of that habit dream of, and personally I would rather fall short
+of the expectations of the boxes than fail in the eyes of the gallery,
+where reticence in the expression of critical opinion is not exactly a
+conspicuous virtue. To put it more plainly, I should infinitely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> prefer
+the humiliation of seeing a highborn lady falling asleep in an orchestra
+chair because of the bromidic quality of my talk, than be reminded of
+the same by flying vegetable matter consigned to me by some dissatisfied
+individual sitting up among the "gods."</p>
+
+<p>An amusing, if somewhat radical, contrast in audiences befell my lot
+several years ago in the brief space of sixteen hours. In that time I
+successively addressed the Harvard Union at Cambridge on a Tuesday
+evening, and the ladies of a Woman's Club in a Boston suburb the
+following morning. The audience at the Union was gathered in the
+wonderfully beautiful auditorium of Memorial Hall, and contained not
+less than twelve hundred particularly live wires, undergraduates mostly,
+almost fresh from the football field, or at least still under the
+influence of its system of expressing approval.</p>
+
+<p>As I mounted the rostrum bedlam broke loose: not necessarily as a
+tribute to myself, but because frenzy is the modern collegiate way of
+making a visitor feel welcome. Thunderous noises never yet classified
+shook the rafters&mdash;noises ranging from the hoarse clamor of an excited
+populace at the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> finish of some great Olympian event, to the somewhat
+uncertain cackle of a freshman voice changing from soprano to bass.
+Pandemonium did not reign: it poured. Not since I visited the London Zoo
+and witnessed there a fight between two caged lions to the excited,
+clamorous interest of all the other beasts imprisoned there, have I
+heard such a variegated din as greeted me on that occasion, and I
+realized sympathetically for the first time perhaps the true
+significance of Theodore Roosevelt's "dee-lighted" smile when as
+President of the United States he took his annual stroll across the
+football field at a Harvard and Yale game, and listened to the "voice of
+the people." So contagious was it that I had all I could do to keep from
+joining in myself and only the necessity of saving my voice for my
+lecture prevented me from being myself heard above the din.</p>
+
+<p>That noise was the keynote of the evening. I think I may say with due
+modesty that my lecture had one or two touches of humor in it&mdash;three or
+four, in fact&mdash;varying in character from the "scarcely perceptible
+subtle" to the "inevitably obvious," with other sorts sandwiched in
+between, and none of them was lost; although I was not permitted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span> to
+finish many of my sentences. The audience seemed to get in ahead of me
+every time.</p>
+
+<p>The situation reminded me in a way of the grandstand finish of a poor
+paralyzed old darky named Joe, of whom I was once told by a Pullman car
+porter on my way through Montana. Joe had been a famous sportsman in his
+day; but now misfortune had overtaken him, and he lay bedridden, wholly
+unable to use his legs, and awaiting the end. Several of his friends,
+taking pity on him, resolved to give him the joy of one last glorious
+coon hunt.</p>
+
+<p>They put him on a stretcher and carried him out into the country where
+that luscious creature "abounded and abutted." The dogs were let loose,
+and finally showed unusual activity at the base of a tall tree; but, to
+the dismay of all, the game turned out to be no coon, but a particularly
+hungry, sore-headed, old she-bear.</p>
+
+<p>As the roaring beast clambered down after her tormentors, Joe's litter
+bearers, terrified, dropped their burden and made off down the road in
+coward flight, and it was not until an hour after they had reached home
+in safety that they thought of the possible fate of their paralytic
+friend. Conscience-stricken,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span> they resolved to go to Joe's home and
+break the news of their cowardly behavior to the presumable widow. The
+good woman met them at the door.</p>
+
+<p>"What yo' niggahs want round here dis time o' night?" she demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"We come to tell yo' 'bout Joe, Mis' Johnsing," said the embarrassed
+spokesman.</p>
+
+<p>"Yo' kain't tell me nothin' 'bout Joe what Ah don' know a'ready,"
+replied Mrs. Johnson coldly.</p>
+
+<p>"Yas'm; but yo' don' know whar Joe is, Mis' Johnsing," persisted the
+speaker. "We done&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yas, Ah do know whar Joe is," retorted the lady. "He's upstairs in he
+bed."</p>
+
+<p>"In he bed?" echoed the astonished visitors.</p>
+
+<p>"Yass," said Mrs. Johnson. "Joe come in ovah an hour ago hollerin' like
+a bullgine fohty yahds ahead o' de dawgs."</p>
+
+<p>I think I may say without exaggeration that that Harvard Union audience
+even beat Joe's record; for they were twice "fohty yahds ahead o' de
+dawgs" all the way through, and as for "hollerin'" they were not so much
+like one single "bullgine" as like a whole roundhouse full of them,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span>
+aided and abetted by a couple of boiler factories in full blast.</p>
+
+<p>And then, only sixteen hours later, came the address at the Woman's Club
+ten miles out of Boston; the same lecture, in a quiet drawing room,
+before forty ladies who embroidered and crocheted while I talked, and
+here the point that had raised the roof and shaken the foundations of
+the Harvard Union was greeted by the <i>tapping of a thimble against the
+wooden frame of an embroidery hoop</i>!</p>
+
+<p>I cannot say which of the two varieties of approval pleased me more; but
+I will say that no idea of talking "up" or "down" to my audience
+occurred to me on either occasion: it was rather a matter of "getting
+across."</p>
+
+<p>One never can tell save by the "feel" of things in the hour of action
+how they are going to turn out. Only this last season I found myself,
+through a misapprehension of the character of my engagement, standing
+before an audience in a New England amusement park on a Sunday
+afternoon. I will say frankly that if I had known that I was to be a
+sideshow to a Ferris Wheel and a scenic railway, with pink lemonade on
+tap everywhere, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span> "all for ten cents," I should not have accepted the
+engagement. While I have admired them at a respectful distance, I have
+never envied the wild man of Borneo or the bearded lady their
+opportunities for personal enrichment; but on this occasion in some way
+or other I had gained an impression that my date had been arranged by,
+and was to be under the auspices of, a combination of church interests,
+designed to offset the evils of Sunday afternoon idleness in a
+manufacturing town. It was a misunderstanding, however, that I now
+rejoice in; for, amusement park or not, sideshow or main ring, I found
+it an enjoyable and educating experience.</p>
+
+<p>I approached it in fear and trembling, especially when I noticed as I
+was awaiting my "turn" the vast quantities of chewing gum that were
+being sold to my audience by the inevitable boy with the basket. There
+is always something disconcerting to a public speaker in the constant,
+simultaneous, and automatic movement of other jaws than his own, and in
+the face of a collective jaw, made up of sixteen hundred lowers that
+chewed as one, I feared that mine, singly and alone, would find the odds
+against it overpowering. Strange to say,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span> however, my real fear on this
+occasion was not on the score of my audience, but whether I should be
+able to acquit myself creditably before them. I have fondly hoped that
+my little talk contained a message, and as I observed these seekers
+after pleasure slowly gathering, and taking their places on tiers of
+pine benches under the kindly shade of a row of noble pines, it occurred
+to me that if there was any fruitful soil for my message anywhere it was
+in the hearts of just such people as sat before me&mdash;toilers, the humbler
+folk, the men and women whose lives had been too busy with
+bread-and-butter problems for the acquirement of culture, and whose sole
+opportunity for amusement, uplifting or otherwise, came on these very
+Sunday afternoons.</p>
+
+<p>There were men and boys there who under other conditions might have been
+idling on street corners. I counted three Chinese, several Japanese, and
+a half-dozen Negroes in my audience. A dozen women had their babies with
+them, and many a small kiddie, too young to chew gum without exposure to
+the peril of swallowing it, nibbled and absorbed ginger cookies as I
+watched them. The question became <i>not</i> were they good enough for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span> me,
+but could I convince them that I was good enough for them. It was not a
+question of "getting down to their level," but of my own ability to
+climb up to the level of my opportunity. For the time being whatever
+superiority there was was altogether on their side, and the point was
+how I could prove myself the real thing, and not the artificial; how I
+could find the common denominator which would enable us to get on "like
+a house afire" together.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p><p>As I was speaking the solution came&mdash;and a mighty simple one it turned
+out to be; for it lay wholly in the simplest possible use of the English
+language. "Cut out the big words," I said to myself. "Cut out all
+unfamiliar terms. Get right down to good old Anglo-Saxon. Drop such
+jawbreakers as <i>differentiate</i>, <i>terminology</i>, <i>intimations</i>,
+<i>implications</i>, and <i>psychological</i>." My chief hope became that I might
+once more at least measure up to that condition which was clearly set
+forth a great many years ago by a Western chairman, at a time when I was
+too much of a novice to do my work even passably well, who said to me as
+we walked to my hotel after the lecture was over:</p>
+
+<p>"We don't care so much for your lecture, Mr. Bangs; but we like you, and
+we're going to have you back."</p>
+
+<p>Whether or not my plan was successful I shall not attempt to say; but I
+may be pardoned, perhaps, for recording here one of the most delightful
+compliments I have ever had, paid me by a threadbare workingman who came
+up behind me as I was leaving the park that afternoon, and put his arm
+through mine as he spoke.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you goin' to speak here to-night, Brother?" he said.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said I. "I am hurrying off to Boston on the five o'clock train."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'm sorry," said he. "I wanted to come out and hear ye again."</p>
+
+<p>Bearing upon the cultivation, or lack of it, of the average American
+audience, I recall a remark made to me several years ago by a well-known
+poet from the shores of Britain, who had come here to lecture on the
+Celtic Renaissance.</p>
+
+<p>"I have had a most delightful surprise," said he, "in the wonderful
+amount of real culture that I have found in the United States, and
+especially in the smaller communities. Why, do you know,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span> he added,
+"when I first started in on my work I supposed that I should have to
+spend at least half of my time explaining to my audiences just what a
+Renaissance was, and the rest in consideration of the Irish movement;
+but I hadn't been here a week before I discovered that for the most part
+the people I was to talk to knew quite as much as I did about the
+history of the movement, and I had all I could do to shed any new light
+on it whatsoever."</p>
+
+<p>He had, fortunately for himself, made the discovery at a critical part
+of the "lecture game," as some people delight to call it, that it was up
+to him to keep climbing, and not waste any of his valuable time trying
+to descend to a lower level, if he wished his discourse to be favorably
+regarded in this country&mdash;a discovery that I devoutly wish some of our
+modern editors and theatrical managers, who think they must cater
+exclusively to a "lowbrow" audience, as they call it, a clientele made
+up out of the whole cloth of their own imaginings, might make.</p>
+
+<p>Our wonderful West frequently affords illuminating incidents
+demonstrating the real truth, as discovered by our distinguished
+visitor. I remember<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span> going a few years ago into a small community in
+Iowa, where possibly the English lecturer would have looked for very
+little in the way of what he would consider learning. When sitting in
+the office of the chairman of the lecture committee, a particularly
+alert young man, a lawyer, and a graduate of the Harvard Law School, the
+door opened, and a splendid specimen of physical manhood, a typical
+pioneer in appearance, stalked in. The chairman introduced me to him.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Bangs," said he, "I want you to know my father."</p>
+
+<p>The caller gave my hand a grip that even now makes my fingers ache every
+time I think of it. He then led me to a comfortable, leather-covered arm
+chair, and, after almost shoving me into its capacious depths, seated
+himself directly in front of me.</p>
+
+<p>"Sit down, young man," said he. "I want to talk to you."</p>
+
+<p>"Fire ahead!" said I. "And thank you for calling me a young man. I've
+been feeling a trifle old for a couple of days."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you are young compared to me," he said. "I'm eighty."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span>"Good
+Lord!" said I. "You don't look over sixty, anyhow."</p>
+
+<p>"No," he smiled, "I don't&mdash;but that's Ioway. I've been farmin' out here
+for nigh onto seventy years, and we're all too busy to grow old. We live
+forever in Ioway. It's the grandest country on the footstool."</p>
+
+<p>I didn't feel at all inclined to dispute him, considering his more than
+six feet of towering height, the fresh, healthful hardness of his
+weather-beaten face, the breadth of his shoulders, and depth of his
+chest. I contented myself with agreeing with him. And I didn't have to
+work hard to do that, either; for I have known magnificent Iowa as a
+most salubrious State for many years.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you see, sir," I said, "we can't all pick out our birthplaces. I
+was born in New York through no choice of my own. Some are born at
+birthplaces, some achieve birthplaces, and others have birthplaces
+thrust upon them&mdash;which last was my case."</p>
+
+<p>"Same here," said he. "I was born in Ohier; but my folks moved out here
+when I was a babby. I've lived here ever since&mdash;and I'm glad of it. Of
+course I hain't had your advantages in gettin'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span> an eddication&mdash;most o'
+mine's in my wife's name&mdash;but I've got some, and I've had to work so dam
+hard to get it that sometimes I think I appreciate it just a leetle more
+than you Eastern boys do who have it served to you on a silver platter.
+I didn't know how to read till I was twenty-five."</p>
+
+<p>"I congratulate you," said I. "Considering the sort of things the
+greater part of our young people are reading to-day, I wish that
+condition might prevail a little more widely than it does."</p>
+
+<p>"That's it," said he. "When a thing comes too easy we're not likely to
+make the best of it. When I think of how I had to sweat to learn to read
+you don't ketch me wastin' any o' my talents in that direction on
+trash."</p>
+
+<p>"Then," I put in, "the chances are you've never read any of my books."</p>
+
+<p>"Not many of 'em," he answered; "but one or two folks I know has read
+'em, and they tell me there's nothin' deelyterious about 'em. But I tell
+ye it was some work for me to get the knack o' readin'; but when it come
+it come! Ye see, when I first come out here they wasn't any schools, and
+they wasn't any too much help around in those days, either. What with
+farmin', and diggin' food<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span> out o' the ground, and fightin' Injuns, they
+wasn't much spare time for children to spend in schools, even if we'd a
+had 'em. But along about the time I was twenty-three years old we
+started one. We built a little schoolhouse, and then we sent East for a
+schoolmarm, and when she come she boarded up at our house, and I
+celebrated by fallin' head over heels in love with her."</p>
+
+<p>"Good work!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"You bet it was good work!" he blurted out, with an admiring glance at
+his son. "It was the best work I ever done, and the best part of it was
+she liked me, and the first thing we knew we got married. Well, sir, do
+you know what happened then? You're a smart man, and you won't need many
+guesses. It was the very thing we might ha' foreseen. The idee o' me,
+the husband o' the schoolmarm, not knowin' how to read&mdash;why,
+it&mdash;was&mdash;simply&mdash;pree&mdash;posterous!"</p>
+
+<p>I don't believe Colonel Roosevelt ever put more syrupy electricity into
+the first syllable of his famous "dee-lighted" than that old gentleman
+got into the <i>pre</i> of his "preeposterous."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," he ran on, "and there was no way out of it but that she
+should teach me to read.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span> <i>And she did!</i> It was a tough proposition for
+that wonderful teacher of mine; but her patience finally pulled us
+through, and at the end of about a year I was ready to tackle 'most any
+kind of stunt in the way of a printed page. And then the burning
+question arose. Now that I know how, what in Dothan shall I read? That's
+a big problem, my friend, to a young feller that has earned his right to
+literature by the sweat of his brow. I wasn't goin' to waste any of my
+new gift on flashy stuff. What I wanted was the real thing, and one
+mornin' the problem was solved. A copy of a weekly paper come to the
+house, with an advertisement in it of a book called 'The Origin of the
+Species,' by a feller named Darwin, costin' two dollars and a half. That
+was some money in those days; but somehow or other that title sounded
+good and hefty, and I sent my little two-fifty by mail to the publisher,
+and within a week or two 'The Origin of the Species' was duly received,
+and I went at it."</p>
+
+<p>"And what did you make out of it?" I asked, my interest truly aroused.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothin'&mdash;not the first dam thing at first," said the old gentleman;
+"except it made me wonder if I hadn't lost my mind, or something. I sat<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span>
+down to read the thing, and by thunder, sir, I couldn't make head nor
+tail out of it! I'd always thought I knew something about the English
+language; but this time I was stumped, and it made me mad.</p>
+
+<p>"'There's something happened to me,' I said to my wife. 'I've read this
+darned first page here over five times, and I'm blest if I can get a
+glimmer of anythin' out of it.' She smiled and advised me to try
+something easier; but, '<i>Not&mdash;on&mdash;your&mdash;life!</i>' says I. 'I've been
+through fire and famine and wind and blizzard in my day. I've seen the
+roof over my head burnt to a cinder by savages, and I've fit Injuns, and
+come nigh bein' scalped by 'em, and in all my life, my dear,' says I, 'I
+hain't never been stumped yit, and I don't preepose to begin now,
+specially by a page o' printed words, said to be writ in the English
+language&mdash;<i>not&mdash;on&mdash;your&mdash;life!</i>'</p>
+
+<p>"So I went at it again. I read it, and I reread it. I wrastled with
+every page, paragraph, and sentence in that book. Sometimes I had to put
+as much as five days on one page&mdash;but by Gorry, son, <i>when</i> I got it I
+got it good, and when it come it come with a rush&mdash;and <i>now</i>&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span>The old
+man paused, drew himself up very straight, and squaring his shoulders he
+leaned forward and put his hands on my knees.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs06.jpg" width="500" height="390" alt="&quot;If there&#39;s anything you want to know about Darwin&#39;s
+Origin of Species, you ask me!&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;If there&#39;s anything you want to know about Darwin&#39;s
+Origin of Species, you ask me!&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"And <i>now</i>, my friend," he said, his eye flashing with the joy of
+victory, "<i>if there's anything you want to know about Darwin's Origin of
+the Species&mdash;you&mdash;just&mdash;ask&mdash;me!</i>"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="IV" id="IV"></a>IV</h2>
+
+<h3>THE GOOD SAMARITAN</h3>
+
+
+<p>If there is any man in this wide world who doubts the beauty and heart
+significance of the Parable of the Good Samaritan, he need only go out
+upon the lecture platform to have his eyes opened. I know of no workers
+in the whole field of human effort this side of tramphood itself who
+need more often the intervention of the Good Samaritan to get them out
+of trouble than the followers of that same profession.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed, I shall not even except the profession of the Hobo; for there is
+a certain license granted to this latter sort of Knight of the Road that
+is denied to us of the Lyceum Circuit. We are prone to forgive a hungry
+tramp for breaking into a casual hencoop in search of the wherewithal to
+satisfy the cravings of an empty stomach, and when his weary bones
+demand a bed there are numerous expedients to which he may resort
+without loss of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span> dignity. I doubt, however, that if Dr. Hillis, or the
+Hon. Champ Clark, or my humble self, were ever caught red-handed with a
+farmer's fowls dangling by their legs from our fists, or were to be
+discovered stealing a nap in the soft seclusion of a convenient hayloft,
+we should get off quite so easily as do poor old Dusty Rhodes and his
+famous colleague Weary Waggles.</p>
+
+<p>Even as do our less loquacious brothers who foot it across country, and
+earn their living by making after-dinner speeches to sympathetic
+farmers' wives, so also do we more advanced members of the Fraternity of
+Wanderers have often to throw ourselves upon the tender mercies of
+others to get us out of the unexpected scrapes into which the most
+careful of us sometimes fall. Life is ordinarily no very simple thing,
+even to the man who lives all his days in one spot, and knows every
+curve, crook, and corner of his special surroundings. How much more
+complicated must it become, then, to him who has to change his spots
+every twenty-four hours, and day after day, night in and night out,
+readjust himself to new and unfamiliar conditions!</p>
+
+<p>For the most part our troubles, such as they are, have to do with the
+natural perversity of train<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span> schedules, or unexpected visitations of
+Nature which will disarrange the most carefully forecast calculations of
+men. In the machinery of our existence there are probably more human
+cogs involved, which require our own individual attention, than in any
+other known mechanism. Even the actor on the road is better looked after
+than are we; for he has a manager to arrange for his transportation, to
+look after his luggage, and to attend to all the little things that go
+to make or mar the comfort of travel while we of the platform go out
+wholly upon our own, unattended, and compelled at all times to shift for
+ourselves.</p>
+
+<p>I have been in many a scrape en route myself; but so far none of them
+has found me without some personally devised expedient for my relief, or
+the aid of a chance Good Samaritan, whose constant nearness in the hour
+of need has convinced me that there are many more of his kind in
+existence than most people are willing to admit. I have almost gone so
+far at times as to believe in the "intervention of Providence," and
+would quite do so did I not feel the idea somewhat belittling to the
+Divine Intelligence that orders our goings out and our comings in.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>On one occasion in the Far West I was so close to a scene of actual
+murder that I might readily have been held as a material witness, and
+escaped that great inconvenience only by pursuing the exceedingly
+difficult policy of holding my tongue&mdash;always an arduous proposition for
+a professional talker. I have faced starvation on a delayed train in
+Oklahoma, starvation setting in in my case after fifteen hours without
+food, and been suddenly relieved by the wholly chance appearance, at the
+tail end of the train, dropping seemingly out of the mysterious regions
+of Nowhere, of an Italian driving a wagonload of bananas across the
+track, just as the train was starting along on another interminably
+foodless stretch; an Italian who with remarkably quick wit&mdash;in response
+to the lure of a new, shining silver dollar tossed into his
+wagon&mdash;heaved a bunch of his stock large enough to feed an orphan asylum
+on to the back platform.</p>
+
+<p>I have even been threatened with complete annihilation, physical and
+spiritual alike, by a man big enough to carry out his threat, unless I
+would join him in a cocktail at six o'clock in the morning, and escaped
+my doom, not as a great many readers may think, by accepting the
+invitation, but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span> only through the timely intervention on my behalf of
+the blessed gift of sleep, which descended suddenly, and without
+apparent cause, upon my convivial adversary before he had time to carry
+out his amiable intentions looking toward my removal from the face of
+the earth.</p>
+
+<p>But there have been other times when nothing short of the sudden
+appearance of the Good Samaritan himself has saved me from disaster. Two
+of these instances I recall with feelings of gratitude, and I record
+them here with sincere pleasure, since it may be that my willing helpers
+may read what I have written about them, and learn from the record
+something of the lasting quality of my grateful appreciation of their
+courtesy.</p>
+
+<p>The first of these incidents occurred in the distant city of Los Angeles
+on a memorable afternoon when I was to all intents and purposes
+stranded; not for the lack of ready money, but for the want of
+transportation necessary to get me from where I was to the haven where I
+was critically needed at that moment. It was a matter of making a train
+or losing a whole chain of profitable engagements, arranged in such
+sequence that if one were lost the others would in all probability go
+also.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I was due to lecture in the beautiful California city on a Wednesday
+evening, and was to go thence to Salt Lake City for a Friday night
+lecture. Unfortunately for me it happened that on Tuesday I was booked
+at Tucson, Arizona, and with a strange carelessness of consequences
+somebody had thrown a glass of water on the tracks of the Southern
+Pacific Railroad, and thereby completely demoralized the roadbed. I do
+not wish to libel that useful railway system; but at that time the
+casual impression of the traveler on the Southern Pacific was that its
+rails had been laid on water, and were ballasted with quicksand. It
+should be added in justification of the conditions that the
+irrepressible Salton Sea, a body of water that has no known parentage in
+the matter of sources, or real destiny in the matter of utility, and
+acts accordingly, had been on one of its periodic rampages, the proper
+handling of which had taxed to the uttermost the ingenuity of the
+engineers on whose shoulders the responsibility for the line rested. It
+was Nature who was to blame, and not the authorities.</p>
+
+<p>At any rate, however, there were such serious delays on my way from
+Tucson to Los Angeles that, scheduled to lecture at the latter city at
+eight<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span>
+<small>P.M.</small> on Wednesday evening, I did not arrive there until four
+o'clock on Thursday morning, and even a Western audience will not submit
+to any such delay as that. Thanks to the quick wit of my principals, who
+stood to lose a considerable stake by my failure to appear, another
+lecture was arranged for Thursday afternoon at one o'clock, although my
+train for Salt Lake was scheduled to leave at two-forty-five. The plan
+was for me to take a carriage out to the lecture hall, about forty
+minutes' drive from the center of activity, to go upon the platform
+promptly at one o'clock, to condense my talk into one hour, to leave the
+platform at two, and drive hurriedly over to the San Pedro station, and
+catch my train with five minutes to spare.</p>
+
+<p>The first part of the program was carried out to the letter, and at five
+minutes after two I was at the entrance of the hall ready for my drive
+to the station. But there was no carriage or vehicle of any other known
+sort in sight. Through some misunderstanding either on my part or on
+that of the local managers, the carriage that brought me out had not
+waited, and there was no substitute to be had within reach. What to do
+became a most<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span> embarrassing question. The succeeding dates had been
+arranged in such a way that if I failed to catch that train to Salt Lake
+City my whole tour would come down with a crash.</p>
+
+<p>Fortunately there was a rather fine boulevard running in front of the
+hall, a rare temptation to speeders both in motors and with horseflesh;
+and as my managers and I were standing on the curb, expressing our
+opinion as to the intelligence of hackmen in general and ourselves in
+particular, and hopelessly scanning the horizon in search of relief,
+there suddenly emerged out of the gloom, coming along at a rapid pace, a
+horse lover, seated in a light wagon, and driving a big bay trotter of
+no mean abilities. He was striking nothing poorer than a two-forty gait,
+and as he loomed bigger and bigger as he drew nearer he looked like a
+runaway avalanche; but as he came the idea flashed across my mind that
+here was my only salvation. I therefore sprang out into the middle of
+the road, directly in his path, and waved my arms violently at him. The
+driver drew in his reins with a jerk, and man, horse, buggy, and all
+came to a sliding, grinding stop. I cannot say that his first remark was
+wholly cordial.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"What the dash is the matter with you?" he roared.</p>
+
+<p>I panted out my explanation&mdash;how my carriage had not come, how much
+depended on my catching my train, and how completely I had relied on
+him.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that's it, eh?" he said, amiably calming down. "I thought you'd
+escaped from a lunatic asylum or something. Jump in. I can't take you
+all the way to the station, because I've got an engagement myself at
+two-fifteen; but I'll land you at the hotel in a jiffy."</p>
+
+<p>I needed no second bidding, and in a moment we were bounding along at
+breakneck speed in the direction of the city. We covered the distance
+that had consumed forty minutes before the lecture in twelve minutes,
+and all seemed well&mdash;only it was not well; for, arriving at the hotel, I
+found myself still fifteen minutes distant from the railway station, and
+not a taxi or other kind of cab to be had. What was more, the electric
+roads were blocked by a fire or something farther up the street. I was
+as badly off as ever&mdash;and then entered the Good Samaritan!</p>
+
+<p>As I stood there in front of the hotel making<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span> sundry observations, most
+of them unprintable, concerning the quality of my luck, a man of fine
+appearance came out of the hotel and stepped quickly across the sidewalk
+to a large touring car that stood awaiting him by the curb. He opened
+the door, and after seating himself in the tonneau leaned forward to
+give his instructions to his chauffeur, when I was seized with the
+inspiration that here indeed was truly my White Hope. Again I took my
+chances. I sprang forward, laid my hand gently on his arm, and blurted
+out:</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs07.jpg" width="500" height="300" alt="&quot;I cannot say that his first remark was wholly cordial.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;I cannot say that his first remark was wholly cordial.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Excuse me, sir, but my name is Bangs&mdash;John Kendrick Bangs. I am out
+here lecturing, and if I don't catch that two-forty-five train for Salt
+Lake City I shall lose half a dozen engagements.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span> If you have ever read
+any of my books and liked them, sir, you will be willing to do me a
+service. If you've read 'em and not liked them, you'll be glad to get me
+out of town. Won't you be a Good Samaritan and give me a lift to the
+station? <i>You're my only hope!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Sure thing!" he answered without an instant's hesitation, opening the
+door. "Get in&mdash;and, James," he added, turning to the chauffeur, "the San
+Pedro station, and never mind the speed limit."</p>
+
+<p>I clambered into the car as quickly as I could, and the car fairly
+leaped forward.</p>
+
+<p>"It's mighty good of you," said I breathlessly as we sped along.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't mention it, Mr. Bangs," said my host. "Glad to be of service to
+you. I read your 'House-Boat-on-the-Styx' once with a great deal of
+pleasure; but there's one thing about you that I like a great sight
+better than I do your humor."</p>
+
+<p>"What's that?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Your nerve, sir</i>," he replied, handing out a cigar.</p>
+
+<p>We caught the train with eight minutes to spare, and as it drew out of
+the station I realized possibly for the first time in my life that in my
+particular<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span> line of business <i>nerve</i> is a vastly better asset than
+<i>nerves</i>, and I have faithfully cultivated the one and resolutely
+refused to admit the existence of the other ever since, to my very great
+advantage.</p>
+
+<p>It may not be without interest to record here that in spite of all my
+trials and tribulations at Los Angeles, the Salt Lake City engagement
+was lost. Our engine broke down in the wilds of Nevada, and we did not
+reach Salt Lake until long after midnight the following night.
+Nevertheless I kept my hand in; for in response to the request of some
+of my fellow passengers I delivered my lecture that night in the
+observation car of the stalled train in the Nevada hills, to an audience
+made up of fifteen fellow travelers, the train crew, and a half-dozen
+Pullman porters.</p>
+
+<p>I hesitate to think of what might have been my fate had I employed
+similar tactics to get me out of such troubles in New York or Boston, or
+some other of our Eastern cities. The chances are that my name would
+have been spread upon the blotter of some police court as a disorderly
+person; but in our great West&mdash;well, things seem somehow very different
+out there. There are not so many sky-scrapers in that part of the
+country, and the horizon<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span> of humanity may therefore be a little broader;
+and perhaps too the strugglers out there are closer to the period of
+their own trials and tribulations than we are here in the East, and
+become in consequence more instantly sympathetic when they see the
+signal of distress flying before them.</p>
+
+<p>The second incident occurred nearer home. It was in Ohio, at the time of
+the floods that wrought such havoc in Dayton and thereabouts in the
+spring of 1913. I had lectured the night before at Ironton, and on my
+way to Cleveland was to all intents and purposes marooned at Columbus.
+Much doubt existed as to whether traffic out of Columbus was at all
+possible, so completely demoralized were all the railroads centering
+there. It is a cardinal principle with lyceum workers, however, to make
+every possible effort to get through to their engagements at whatever
+inconvenience or cost. So in spite of the warnings of subordinate
+officials I took my chances and went out on a morning train which
+passengers took at their own peril, through scenes of dreadful
+desolation, and over a disquietingly soggy roadbed, until the train
+reached an Ohio city which I shall not identify by name here. While I
+have no hard feelings against<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span> it, or against any of its citizens, I
+cannot bring myself to speak of it in terms of "endearment," as I should
+much prefer to do.</p>
+
+<p>At this point our train came to a standstill, and the announcement was
+made that it would be impossible to get through to Cleveland because all
+the bridges had been washed away. Motoring over for the same reason was
+out of the question, and the engagement was lost. I immediately repaired
+to the telegraph office and sent off several despatches&mdash;to the
+Cleveland people, announcing my inability to get through; to my agents,
+telling them of my plight; and to my family, assuring them of my safety.
+These telegrams broke my "financial back"; for when I had paid for them
+I found myself with only forty cents left in my pocket, marooned
+possibly for days in wettest Ohio, hungry as a bear, and not a friend in
+sight.</p>
+
+<p>I did not worry much over the situation, however; for on several other
+occasions when I found myself penniless in the West and in the South I
+had not found any trouble in getting some one to cash my check. So,
+after assuring myself that my train would be held there for at least two
+or three hours before returning to Columbus, I set<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span> off blithe-heartedly
+to secure the replenishment of my pocket. In the heavy rain I walked up
+the main thoroughfare of the little city, and to my great relief espied
+a national bank on one of the four corners of its square. I walked
+boldly in and addressed the cashier, telling him my story with a few
+"well chosen words."</p>
+
+<p>"I thought possibly," said I, as he listened without too great a display
+of interest, "that in view of all these circumstances you would be
+willing to take a chance on me, and cash my check for twenty-five
+dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, my dear sir," he replied, "<i>this is a bank</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>I restrained a facetious impulse to tell him that I was surprised to
+hear it, having come in under the impression that it was a butcher shop,
+where I could possibly buy an umbrella, or a much needed eight-day
+clock.</p>
+
+<p>"I know," I contented myself with saying, smiling the while. "That's why
+I came here for money."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you've come to the wrong place," he blurted out. "<i>We are not
+running an asylum to give first aid to the injured!</i>"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span>"Thank you, sir,"
+I replied. "You are quite right, and perhaps I should not have asked
+such a favor&mdash;but I'll tell you one thing," I added. "To-morrow or next
+day when the Governor of this State issues his appeal for aid for the
+stricken, as he surely will, you will find that the financial men in
+that part of the world where I come from are running just such
+institutions, and when that golden horde for the relief of your people
+pours in from mine I hope it will make you properly ashamed of yourself,
+if you are not so already."</p>
+
+<p>It was as fruitless as reading a Wordsworth sonnet on nature to a
+rhinoceros; for all he did was to grunt.</p>
+
+<p>"Humph!" said he, and I walked out.</p>
+
+<p>Another bank was soon found, where I secured not accommodation but a
+more courteous refusal. The president of the bank was one of the most
+sympathetic souls I have ever met, and would gladly cash anybody's draft
+for me; but my own check, that was out of the question. He was a trustee
+of the funds in his charge&mdash;poor chap, apparently without a cent of his
+own on deposit. However, he was courteous, and vocally sympathetic. He
+realized very keenly the difficulties of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span> my position, and actually
+escorted me as far as the door to see me safely to the perils of the
+pave, expressing the hope that I would soon find some way out of my
+difficulty. I returned to the train, ate thirty cents' worth of sardines
+in the dining car, gave the waiter a ten-cent tip, and repaired to the
+smoking compartment absolutely penniless. A number of others were
+gathered there, and we naturally fell into discussing the day's
+adventures.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said I, "I've just had one of the strangest experiences of my
+life. I've been in all parts of the United States in the last eight
+years, and never until to-day have I found a place so poor in sympathy,
+and easy money, that I couldn't get my check cashed if I happened to
+need the funds. Why, I've known a Mississippi hotelkeeper who was so
+poor that his wife had to do all the chambermaid's work in the house, to
+go out at midnight to <i>borrow</i> twenty-five dollars from a neighbor to
+help me out; but here, with this flood knocking everything galley west,
+I can't raise a cent!"</p>
+
+<p>And I went on and narrated my experience with the two national banks as
+recorded here.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, by George!" ejaculated one of the men seated opposite to me,
+slapping his knee vigorously<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span> as I finished. "I'm an Ohio man, sir, and
+I blush for the State. I'll cash your check for you on your looks. How
+much do you want?"</p>
+
+<p>"Twenty-five dollars," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"All right," he said, pulling a well-filled wallet from his pocket, and
+counting out five five-dollar bills. "There's the stuff."</p>
+
+<p>I thanked him, and drawing my check handed it over to him. He took it,
+and glanced at the signature.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>What?</i>" he exploded. "<i>The Idiot?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>This was the title of one of my books.</p>
+
+<p>"Guilty!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Here, you!" he cried, pulling his wallet again from his pocket, and
+holding it wide open, displaying a tempting bundle of ten-dollar bills
+within. "<i>Here&mdash;just help yourself!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>And yet there are people in this world who ask if "literature" pays!</p>
+
+<p>About the most Samaritan of the Good Samaritans I ever encountered I met
+in February last in one of the most flourishing of our northwestern
+cities. He was a Samaritan with what the modern critic would call a
+"kick" to him&mdash;or at least it struck me that way. As I made my way
+northward<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span> from Minneapolis to fill my engagement there I was seized
+with a terrific toothache which for the time being destroyed pretty
+nearly all my interest in life. The offending molar was far back in the
+region of the wisdom section, and inasmuch as it had been somewhat loose
+in its behavior for several days I decided to be rid of it. All my
+efforts to extract it myself were unavailing, and finally after a last
+desperate effort to pull it out myself I returned to my chair in the
+Pullman car and informed the Only Muse who upon this trip was Seeing
+America with me that our first duty on reaching our destination was to
+find a dentist and get rid of it.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs08.jpg" width="500" height="382" alt="&quot;I&#39;m an Ohio man, and I&#39;ll cash the check for you on your
+looks.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;I&#39;m an Ohio man, and I&#39;ll cash the check for you on your
+looks.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span>"I hope you will be careful to get the right kind of a man," said she.
+"We can't afford any quack doctors, you know."</p>
+
+<p>At this moment a charming woman seated on the opposite side of the car
+leaned over and said, "I do not wish to intrude, but I have seen how you
+were suffering, and I just overheard your remark. Now my son-in-law is a
+dentist, and we think he is a good one. He is coming to meet me at the
+station, and I think possibly he will be willing to help you."</p>
+
+<p>I thanked the lady, and expressed the hope that he would.</p>
+
+<p>On our arrival at the station the young man appeared as was expected,
+and my kindly chaperone presented the case.</p>
+
+<p>"He has been suffering dreadfully, James," she said, "and I told him you
+would pull his tooth out for him."</p>
+
+<p>"But, my dear mother," said the young man, "we are in a good deal of a
+hurry. We have an engagement for to-night. My office is closed, and we
+are not dressed for&mdash;"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Thanks just the same," said I. "I am sure you would help me if you
+could&mdash;maybe you will do the next best thing. I can't lecture unless I
+have this confounded thing out."</p>
+
+<p>"Lecture?" said he. "You are not John Kendrick&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;I am," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," said he, "that's different. You are our engagement. Come up to my
+office, and I'll fix you up in a jiffy."</p>
+
+<p>So we marched five long blocks up to his office, where I was soon
+stretched out, and the desired operation put through with neatness and
+despatch.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, doctor," said I as he held the offending molar up before me
+tightly gripped in his forceps, "you have given me the first moment of
+relief I have had all day. My debt in gratitude I shall never be able to
+repay, but the other I think I can handle. How much do I owe you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing at all, Mr. Bangs," he replied. "Nothing at all."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that's nonsense, doctor," I retorted. "You are a professional man,
+and I am a stranger to you&mdash;you must charge something."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no, Mr. Bangs," said he, smilingly.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span> "You are no stranger to me. I
+have been reading your books for the past twenty years, and <i>it's a
+positive pleasure to pull your teeth</i>."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="V" id="V"></a>V</h2>
+
+<h3>A VAGRANT POET</h3>
+
+
+<p>The inimitable and forever to be lamented Gilbert, in one of his
+delightful songs in Pinafore, bade us once to remember that&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Things are seldom what they seem&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Skim-milk masquerades as cream;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Highlows pass as patent-leathers;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Jackdaws strut in peacock's feathers.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The good woman who sang this song&mdash;little Buttercup, they called
+her&mdash;was in a pessimistic mood at the moment; for had she not been so
+she would have reversed the sentiment, showing us with equal truth how
+sometimes cream masquerades as skim milk, and how underneath the wear
+and tear of time what outwardly appears to be a "high low" still
+possesses some of the glorious polish of the "patent leather."
+Everywhere I travel I find something of this latter truth; but never was
+it more clearly demonstrated than when on one of my Western jaunts I
+came unexpectedly upon an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span> almost overwhelming revelation of a finely
+poetic nature under an apparently rough and unpromising exterior.</p>
+
+<p>It happened on a trip in Arizona back in 1906. My train after passing
+Yuma was held up for several hours. Ordinarily I should have found this
+distressing; but, as the event proved, it brought to me one of the most
+delightfully instructive experiences I have yet had in the pursuit of my
+platform labors. As the express stood waiting for another much belated
+train from the East to pass, the door of the ordinary day coach&mdash;in
+which I had chosen to while away the tedium of the morning, largely
+because it was fastened to the end of the train, whence I could secure a
+wonderful view of the surrounding country&mdash;was opened, and a man
+apparently in the last stages of poverty entered the car.</p>
+
+<p>He was an oldish man, past sixty, I should say, and a glance at him
+caused my mind instinctively to revert to certain descriptions I had
+heard of the sad condition of the downtrodden Westerner, concerning
+whose unhappy lot our friends the Populists used to tell us so much. He
+looked so very poor and so irremediably miserable that he excited<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span> my
+sympathy. Upon his back there lay loosely the time-rusted and threadbare
+remnant of what had once in the days of its pride and freshness been a
+frock coat, now buttonless, spotted, and fringing at the edges. His
+trousers matched. His neck was collarless, a faded blue polka-dotted
+handkerchief serving as both collar and tie. His hat suggested service
+in numerous wars, and on his feet, bound there for their greater
+security with ordinary twine, were the uppers and a perforated part of
+the soles of a one-time pair of congress gaiters. As for his face&mdash;well,
+it brought vividly to mind the lines of Spenser&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">His rawbone cheekes, through penurie and pine,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Were shronke into his jawes, as he did never dyne.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs09.jpg" width="224" height="500" alt="In the last stages of poverty." title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">In the last stages of poverty.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The old fellow shambled feebly to the seat adjoining<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span> my own, gazing
+pensively out of the window for a few moments, and then turning fixed a
+pair of penetrating blue eyes upon me. "Pretty tiresome waiting," he
+ventured, in a voice not altogether certain in its pitch, as if he had
+not had much chance to use it latterly.</p>
+
+<p>"Very," said I carelessly. "But I suppose we've got to get used to this
+sort of thing."</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose so," he agreed; "but just the same for a man in your business
+I should think it would be something awful. Don't it get on your
+nerves?"</p>
+
+<p>"What do you know about my business?" I asked, my curiosity aroused.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," he laughed, "I know who you are. I read one of your books once.
+I've forgotten what it was about; but it had your picture in the front
+of it, and I knew you the minute I saw you. Besides I was down in Tucson
+the other day, and&mdash;you're going to lecture at Tucson Tuesday night,
+aren't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am if I ever get there," said I. "At this rate of speed I'm afraid
+it'll be season after next."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, they'll be ready for you when you arrive," he chuckled. "They've
+got your picture<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span> plastered all over the place. It's in every drug-store
+and saloon window in the town. They've got it tacked onto every tree,
+hydrant, hitching post, billboard, and pump, from the railway station
+out to the university and back. I ain't sure that there ain't a few of
+'em nailed onto the ash barrels. You can't look anywhere without seeing
+John Kendrick Bangs staring out at you from the depths of a
+photographer's arm chair. Fact is," he added with a whimsical wink, "I
+left Tucson to get away from the Bangs rash that's broken out all over
+the place, and, by Jehosaphat! I get aboard this train, and <i>there sets
+the original</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>I laughed and handed the old fellow a cigar, which he accepted with
+avidity, biting off at least a quarter of it in his eagerness to get
+down to business.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm not so bad as I'm lithographed," I said facetiously.</p>
+
+<p>"So I see," he replied, "and it must be some comfort to you to realize
+that if you ever get down and out financially you've got a first-class
+case for libel against the feller that lithographed you."</p>
+
+<p>He puffed away in silence for a minute or two,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span> and then leaning over
+the arm of his seat he re-opened the conversation.</p>
+
+<p>"I say, Mr. Bangs," he said, rather wistfully, I thought, "you must read
+a great deal from one year's end to another&mdash;maybe you could recommend
+one or two good books for me?"</p>
+
+<p>It was something of a poser. Somehow or other he did not suggest at
+first glance anything remotely connected with a literary taste, and I
+temporized with the problem.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, yes," I answered cautiously. "I do run through a good many books
+in the course of a year; but I don't like to prescribe a course of
+literary treatment for a man unless I have had time to diagnose his
+case, and get at his symptoms. You know you mightn't like the same sort
+of thing that I do."</p>
+
+<p>"That may be so too," he observed coolly. "But we've got some time on our
+hands&mdash;suppose you try me and find out. I'm willin' to testify. Fire
+ahead&mdash;nothin' like a few experiments."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said I, "personally I prefer biography to any other kind of
+reading. I like novels well enough; but after all I'd rather read the
+story of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span> one real man's life, sympathetically presented, than any
+number of absorbing tales concerning the deeds and emotions of the
+fictitious creatures of a novelist's fancy. I like Boswell better than
+Fielding, and Dr. Johnson is vastly more interesting to me than Tom
+Jones."</p>
+
+<p>"Same here," said my new friend. "That's what I've always said. What's
+the use of puttin' in all your time on fiction when there's so much
+romance to be found in the real thing? The only trouble is that there
+ain't much in the way of good biography written these days&mdash;is there?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, there is," said I. "There's plenty of it, and now and then we
+come upon something that is tremendously stimulating. I don't suppose it
+would interest you very much, but I have just finished a two-volume life
+of a great painter&mdash;it is called 'Memorials of Edward Burne-Jones,'
+written by his wife."</p>
+
+<p>The old man's face fairly shone with interest as I spoke, and reaching
+down into the inner pocket of his ragged coat he produced a
+time-smeared, pocket-worn envelop upon which to make a memorandum, and
+then after rummaging around in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span> mysterious recesses of an over-large
+waistcoat for a moment or two he brought forth the merest stub of a
+pencil.</p>
+
+<p>"Who publishes that book?" he asked, leaning forward and gazing eagerly
+into my face.</p>
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;the Macmillan Company," I replied, somewhat abashed. "But&mdash;would
+<i>you</i> be interested in that?"</p>
+
+<p>And then came the illuminating moment&mdash;I fear its radiance even affected
+the color of my cheeks when I thought of my somewhat patronizing manner
+of a moment before.</p>
+
+<p>"I guess I would be interested in that!" he replied with a real show of
+enthusiasm. "<i>I've always been interested in that whole Preraphaelite
+movement!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>I tried manfully to conceal my astonishment; but I am very much afraid
+that in spite of all my efforts my eyes gave my real feelings away. I
+swallowed hard, and stared, and the old man chuckled as he went on.</p>
+
+<p>"They were a great bunch, that crowd," he observed reflectively, "and I
+don't suppose the world realizes yet what we owe to them and their
+influence. Burne-Jones, William Morris, Madox<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span> Brown, Holman Hunt, and
+Rossetti&mdash;I suppose you know your Rossetti like a book?"</p>
+
+<p>I tried to convey the impression that I was not without due familiarity
+with and appreciation of my Rossetti; but I began to feel myself getting
+into deeper water than I had expected.</p>
+
+<p>"There's a lot of fine things in poetry and in paint we'd never have had
+if it hadn't been for those fellows," the old man went on. "Of course
+there's a lot of minds so calloused over with the things of the past
+that they can't see the beauty in anything that takes 'em out of a rut,
+even if it's really old and only seems to be new. That's always the way
+with any new movement, and the fellow that starts in at the head of the
+procession gets a lot of abuse. Take poor old Rossetti, for instance,
+how the critics did hand it to him, especially Buchanan&mdash;the idea of a
+man like Robert Buchanan even daring to criticize Rossetti's 'Blessed
+Damozel'! It's preposterous! It's like an elephant trying to handle a
+cobweb to find out how any living thing could make a home of it. Of
+course the elephant couldn't!"</p>
+
+<p>I quite agreed that the average elephant of my acquaintance would have
+found the average cobweb<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span> a rather insecure retreat in which to stretch
+his weary length.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you remember," he went on, "what Buchanan said about those lines?&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"And still she bowed herself and stooped</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Out of the circling charm</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>Until her bosom must have made</i></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;"><i>The bar she leaned on warm.</i></span>
+</p>
+
+<p>He said those lines were bad, and that the third and fourth were quite
+without merit, and <i>almost without meaning</i>! Fancy that!&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"<i>Until her bosom must have made</i></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;"><i>The bar she leaned on warm</i></span>
+</p>
+
+<p><i>almost without meaning</i>! Suffering Centipedes!" he cried indignantly.
+"That man must have been brought up on the bottle!"</p>
+
+<p>I think I may truthfully say that from that point on I listened to the
+old man breathlessly. Buchanan's monograph on "The Fleshly School of
+Poetry" though wholly out of sympathy with my own views has long been a
+favorite bit of literary excoriation with me, comparable to Victor
+Hugo's incisive flaying of Napoleon III, and to have it spring up at me
+thus out of the alkali desert, through the medium of this beloved
+vagabond, was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span> indeed an experience. Instead of conversing with my
+friend, I turned myself into what theatrical people call a "feeder" for
+the time being, putting questions, and now and then venturing a remark
+sufficiently suggestive to keep him going. His voice as he ran on
+gathered in strength, and waxed tuneful and mellow, until, if I had
+closed my eyes, I could almost have brought myself to believe that it
+was our much-loved Mark Twain who was speaking with that musical drawl
+of his, shot through and through with that lyrical note which gave his
+voice such rare sweetness.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs10.jpg" width="500" height="499" alt="&quot;Suffering Centipedes!&quot; he cried. &quot;That
+man must have been brought up on the bottle!&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;Suffering Centipedes!&quot; he cried. &quot;That
+man must have been brought up on the bottle!&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span>From Rossetti my new-found friend jumped to Whistler&mdash;to whom he
+referred as "Jimmy"&mdash;thence to Watts, and from Watts to Ruskin; from
+Ruskin he ran on to Burne-Jones, and then harked back to Rossetti again.</p>
+
+<p>Rossetti now seemed to become an obsession with him; only it was
+Rossetti the poet instead of Rossetti the painter to whom he referred.
+In a few moments the stillness of that sordid coach was echoing to the
+sonnet of "Lost Days":</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"The lost days of my life until to-day,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">What were they, could I see them on the street</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Lie as they fell? Would they be ears of wheat</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Sown once for food but trodden into clay?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Or golden coins squander'd and still to pay?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Or drops of blood dabbling the guilty feet?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Or such spill'd water as in dreams must cheat</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The undying throats of Hell, athirst alway?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I do not see them here; but after death</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">God knows I know the faces I shall see&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Each one a murder'd self, with low last breath;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'I am thyself&mdash;what hast thou done to me?'</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'And I&mdash;and I&mdash;thyself' (lo! each one saith)&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">'And thou thyself to all eternity.'"</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>His voice trembled as he finished, and a long silence followed.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span>"Pretty
+good stuff, that, eh?" he said, at length.</p>
+
+<p>"Fine!" said I, suddenly afflicted with a poverty of language quite
+comparable to his own in the way of worldly goods.</p>
+
+<p>"Takes you here, however," said he, tapping his forehead. "Makes you
+think&mdash;and somehow or other I&mdash;I don't like to think. I'd rather
+feel&mdash;and when it comes to that it's Christina Rossetti that takes you
+here." He tapped his left breast over his heart. "She's got all the rest
+of 'em skinned a mile, as far as I'm concerned. I love that 'Up Hill'
+thing of hers&mdash;remember it?&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Does the road wind up-hill all the way?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Yes, to the very end.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Will the day's journey take the whole long day?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">From morn to night, my friend.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"But is there for the night a resting-place?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">A roof for where the slow dark hours begin.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">May not the darkness hide it from my face?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">You cannot miss that Inn.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Shall I meet other wayfarers at night?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Those who have gone before.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Then must I knock, or call when just in sight?</span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span><span style="margin-left: 3em;">They will not keep you standing at the door.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Shall I find comfort, travel-sore and weak?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Of labor you shall find the sum.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Will there be beds for me and all who seek?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Yea, beds for all who come.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, me!" he said. "I've got a deal of heartening out of that, and then
+some day when things don't seem to go just right, I sing for my comfort
+that song of hers:</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"When I am dead, my dearest,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Sing no sad songs for me;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Plant thou no roses at my head,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Nor shady cypress tree:</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Be the green grass above me,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">With showers and dew-drops wet,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And if thou wilt, remember,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And if thou wilt, forget.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"I shall not see the shadows.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">I shall not feel the rain.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I shall not hear the nightingale</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Sing on, as if in pain:</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And dreaming through the twilight</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">That doth not rise nor set,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Haply I may remember,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And haply may forget."</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The train had long since started on toward our destination, the old
+fellow discoursing gloriously as we ran along, I utterly unconscious of
+everything save the marvelous contrasts of that picture&mdash;a seemingly
+wretched vagabond, held in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span> grip of a relentless poverty, pouring
+forth out of the depths of a rich mind as rare a spiritual disquisition
+as I ever remember to have enjoyed. Our destination finally reached, I
+held out my hand to bid him good-by.</p>
+
+<p>"I can't thank you sufficiently," I said, "for a wonderful hour. I want
+you to do something for me. You see you have the advantage of me. You
+know who I am; but I don't know who you are. Won't you tell me your
+name, that I may add it to the list of my friends?"</p>
+
+<p>The old fellow's eyes filled with tears. He laid his hand gently on my
+shoulder. "My young friend," he said, his voice growing hoarse and husky
+again, "<i>who</i> I am is one of the least important things on the face of
+God's beautiful green earth. What is really important is the kind of man
+I am. <i>I am one of those unfortunates who started in life at the top of
+the ladder and moved in the only direction he thought was left open to
+him.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>He seized my hand, gave it a soft, seemingly affectionate pressure, and
+walked away, leaving me standing alone, and I have not seen nor heard
+from him since.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="VI" id="VI"></a>VI</h2>
+
+<h3>BACK-HANDED COMPLIMENTS</h3>
+
+
+<p>In a previous chapter of these rambling reminiscences I have said that I
+defied any really human man to return from a lecture season in this
+country in a pessimistic frame of mind. To this defiance I would add
+another. I defy any man possessed of a hide anywhere short of that of a
+rhinoceros, or a head of a thickness less than solid ivory, to return
+from a tour of our country with any greater sense of his own importance
+than he is entitled to.</p>
+
+<p>There are a good many plain truths spoken in the presence of the
+lecturer by the good people to whom he is consigned, especially in our
+delightfully frank West, where they seem to have acquired the knack of
+drawing a clean-cut distinction between the lecturer as a man and the
+lecturer as a lecturer. Discourtesy is never encountered anywhere. At
+least in the ten years of my platform experience, with nearly a thousand
+public<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span> appearances to my credit, I have met with it only twice, and on
+both occasions in Eastern communities; a proportion so negligible as to
+amount really to nothing. Hospitality to the man has always been
+cordial; the attitude toward the lecturer respectful. But in the showing
+of this respect there is no slopping over, though now and then there is
+an atmosphere of reserve in its manifestation which serves the lecturer
+better in the line of criticism, if he is capable of sensing its
+significance, than any amount of outspoken condemnation.</p>
+
+<p>There is one element in the work of the Man on the Platform that is in
+itself of the highest disciplinary value, and that is that in all
+circumstances <i>he must deliver his goods himself</i>. There is nothing
+vicarious about the operation. No substitute can relieve him of that
+necessity. The man who writes books, or makes shoes or motor-cars, can
+sit apart and let others face whatsoever blame may be visited upon a
+middle man for defects of workmanship; but for the lecturer there is no
+such happy shifting of responsibility. If people find his discourse
+dull, they either get up and walk out, or, as the saying is, they "go to
+sleep in his face."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs11.jpg" width="500" height="443" alt="&quot;The lecturer must deliver the
+goods!&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;The lecturer must deliver the
+goods!&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Occasionally, however, an ostentatiously emphatic expression of
+disapproval gives the man on the platform a chance to redeem himself. It
+is told of Henry Ward Beecher that on one occasion something he had said
+proved so offensive to one of his auditors, who happened to be sitting
+in the front row of a large and reverberant auditorium, that the
+individual rose bruskly and walked out. As a sort of underscoring of his
+disapproval the protesting soul was aided by a pair of new shoes that
+squeaked so audibly as he strode down the aisle that they distracted the
+attention of everybody.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span> Mr. Beecher immediately stopped short, and
+waited until the dissatisfied person had faded through the doorway and
+the last echo of his suffering boots had died away, and then, with a
+benignant smile, recited that good old nursery rime so dear to the
+hearts of our childhood:</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Rings on his fingers,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And bells on his toes;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">He shall have music</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Wherever he goes.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>It was a bit of ready repartee that captivated the audience, and if
+there were present any others who later found themselves in a protesting
+mood it is pretty certain that they waited for a safer occasion upon
+which to manifest it. Mr. Beecher on his feet was never a man to be
+trifled with.</p>
+
+<p>On a stumping campaign myself a number of years ago I was confronted by
+a somewhat similar condition. An allusion to a statesman whom I greatly
+admired elicited a decided hiss from a group of hostiles seated under
+the gallery of a rural opera house. I silenced the hiss by pausing in my
+remarks and appealing to the janitor to "turn off that steam radiator,"
+since the hall was evidently already too hot for the comfort of some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span> of
+the audience. It was not particularly deft, but it served the purpose,
+and we heard no more from that particular quarter for the rest of the
+evening.</p>
+
+<p>It is a safer rule, however, for the speaker to try to conciliate the
+hostile element, and it has been a rule of mine for the last five years
+to endeavor to locate such centers of frigidity as may be found before
+me, and then direct all my energies toward "thawing them out." Popular
+as the platform is in all parts of the country to-day, there is always
+present in every community a small leaven of at least reluctant men who
+are dragged unwillingly to the lecture halls by their enthusiastic
+wives, when, if they were only permitted to have their own way, they
+would be resting tranquilly at home, slippers on feet, feet on fender,
+book or favorite newspaper in hand, and a sweet-scented briarwood pipe
+for company. It is not difficult to locate these sufferers. They are
+such conscious martyrs that they immediately betray themselves, and as a
+rule while my chairmen are introducing me to my audiences I scan the
+rows of faces before me in search of them.</p>
+
+<p>They have certain unmistakable earmarks that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span> betray them to the
+sympathetic eye&mdash;which, with all due modesty, I may claim mine to be;
+for, while I love lecturing, being lectured to or at, as the case may
+be, bores me to extinction. I am like those doctors who rejoice in the
+opportunity to amputate another man's leg, but would not give seven
+cents to cut off one or both of their own.</p>
+
+<p>The first of these earmarks is the expression of the face, which is
+either one of hopeless resignation, or full of lowering, one might
+almost say vengeful, contempt, as if the owner of the face were calling
+down inwardly all the wrath of Heaven upon the lecturer in particular,
+and the whole lyceum movement in general. With both these expressions go
+arms tightly folded across the breast, as though the sufferer were
+really trying hard to hold himself in.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs12.jpg" width="500" height="241" alt="&quot;They may &#39;go to sleep in his face.&#39;&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;They may &#39;go to sleep in his face.&#39;&quot;</span>
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The second almost certain manifestation is in the physical relation of
+the sufferer to the chair in which he sits. He makes it bear the heavy
+material burden of his despair by sitting not as Nature intended that he
+should sit, but as nearly upon the small of his back as the available
+space at his disposal will permit. If he occupy an aisle seat, he sits
+wholly on the small of his back, with his legs crossed, and his hands
+tightly clasped across his freer knee.</p>
+
+<p>Once located, this man is the special person that I go after. It becomes
+my persistent effort, and in so far as I can master the situation my
+determination, to win his reluctant heart. If I can only get him sitting
+up like a vertebrate animal, using his spine like a prop instead of like
+a hammock, and returning my gaze with a gleam of interest, I am happy.
+If I can get him not only to sit up but to lean forward with his head
+cocked to one side, much as a horse will cock its ears when something
+unexpected comes within the range of its vision, I feel that I have
+scored a triumph. I should say that at a rough guess in eight cases out
+of ten the effort is successful, although there have been ninth and
+tenth cases that have chilled me to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span> the marrow, and sent me home with
+an uncomfortable sense of failure.</p>
+
+<p>My lamented friend, the late R. K. Munkittrick, an American humorist who
+never really received the full measure of appreciation to which his
+delicious humor entitled him, once when we were "reading" together one
+night at Albany, scoring a fiasco so complete that we could only laugh
+over it, put the situation before me in terms so wholly comprehensive
+that I have never forgotten it.</p>
+
+<p>"See that red-headed chap in the fourth row?" he whispered, as the
+chairman was indulging in some extended remarks concerning our greatness
+to which we could never hope to live up.</p>
+
+<p>"You mean the pall bearer with the green necktie?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Munkittrick, "he's the one."</p>
+
+<p>"Well&mdash;what of him?" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, nothing," grinned Munkittrick, "but I'll bet you seven dollars and
+forty-seven cents he's bet the boxoffice fifty cents we can't make him
+laugh."</p>
+
+<p>I may record with due humility that if good old<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span> Munkittrick's surmise
+was correct our highly chromatic but otherwise funereal friend won his
+bet. I doubt we could have moved him with dynamite.</p>
+
+<p>But these gentlemen serve a highly useful purpose. They keep us with our
+feet on the earth, and prevent us from soaring too high in our own
+estimation.</p>
+
+<p>Another effective factor in this disciplinary element in platform work
+is the "back-handed" compliment that leaves the party of the second part
+suspended like Mahomet's coffin, midway between heaven and earth, and in
+some uncertainty as to exactly where "he is going to get off." I have
+rejoiced in several such. The great State of Pennsylvania, which has
+"officially" done so much for the platform by its liberal appropriations
+for teachers' institutes, enabling the school centers to secure the
+services of speakers of high cost who would otherwise be beyond their
+reach, is responsible for one of these.</p>
+
+<p>It occurred some three years ago, and grew out of an unexpected summons
+by wire from one of the largest cities of the Quaker State asking me to
+"fill in" for Dr. Griggs, who because of sudden<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span> indisposition was
+unable to meet his engagement in a large and important course there. It
+was an emergency call, which fortunately found me disengaged, and
+willing to serve.</p>
+
+<p>The chairman of the occasion was a delightful individual, with a
+considerable fund of dry humor, and his introduction was a gem of subtle
+wit. It occupied about fifteen minutes, the first five of which were
+devoted to matters pertaining to the course; the second five to a well
+deserved eulogy of Dr. Griggs for his inspiring lectures and the
+uplifting nature of his work, coupled with an expression of the intense
+disappointment which he, the chairman, knew the audience must feel on
+learning that the good doctor could not be present. I thought he rather
+rubbed the "disappointment" idea in a little too vigorously; but I tried
+not to show it, and sat through that part of the chairman's remarks with
+the usual stereotyped smile of satisfaction at hearing a colleague so
+highly spoken of. This done, the chairman launched himself upon a
+four-minute discourse upon what he called "The Age of Substitution."</p>
+
+<p>"You know, my friends," said he, "that this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span> great age in which we live
+is so rich in resources that at times when we cannot immediately lay our
+hands on some particular article we happen to want there is always to be
+found somewhere a <i>just as good as</i> article to take its place. If you
+desire a particular kind of porous plaster to soothe an
+all-too-self-conscious spine, and the druggist you call upon for aid
+does not chance to have it in stock, he invariably has another at hand
+which he assures you will do quite as well. So it is with the nerve
+foods, breakfast foods, corn plasters, face powders, facial soaps,
+suspenders, corsets, liver pills, and lecturers. If we haven't what
+you want, we have something just as good in this Age of Substitution.
+So is it with us to-night. While we may not receive the
+all-wool-and-a-yard-wide spiritual uplift that Dr. Griggs would have
+given us, we are privileged to listen to the near-silk humor of a
+substitute, who, the committee in charge venture to hope, will prove to
+be <i>just as good as</i> the other. We of course don't know that it will be;
+but we live in hope as well as on it, and, lacking the great
+satisfaction that I had expected to be mine in presenting Dr. Griggs to
+you this evening, it still gives me a certain melancholy pleasure<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span> to
+introduce to this audience that highly mercerized near-speaker, Mr.
+Just-as-Good-as K. Bangs, on whose behalf I bespeak your charity and
+your tolerance."</p>
+
+<p>As a rule I like to play a little with my chairmen; but I deemed it
+unwise on this occasion to "monkey with a buzz saw," and plunged
+directly into the work in hand without venturing upon the usual
+facetious preliminaries. I felt that I had enough work cut out for me
+already, and for an hour and a half exerted myself strenuously to be
+<i>just as good as</i> I could be, neither more nor less. Then, when it was
+all over, and my case was in the hands of the jury, a charming woman,
+with a delectable smile on her face, came rushing up to the platform.
+She seized my hand and shook it vigorously as she spoke.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Mr. Bangs," she said with an enthusiasm so delightful that I
+listened eagerly for the honeyed words to come, "we are so glad you
+came! <i>You have made our disappointment complete!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Another incident I prefer not to locate other than by saying that it was
+in the West&mdash;and where the West begins no man may say. I know a New York
+lady to whom it begins at the Cortlandt<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span> street opening of Mr. McAdoo's
+Hudson River tubes, who has no notion at all that anything lies beyond
+save the names of a few cities that mean nothing to her, and the Rocky
+Mountains. With others it begins on the banks of the Mississippi. Once
+in the heart of Iowa, when I was speaking to a young college student
+there on the glorious opportunities of the West, in the hope of making
+him see how much I appreciated the wonderful country in which he lived,
+the young man staggered me with the reply:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir, I believe you are right. <i>My father wants me to go West when
+I get through with my work here.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>So it would seem that the old rime about the little insect&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Every flea has a little flea to bite him,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And so it goes ad infinitem&mdash;</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>may very well be adapted to the uses of those good souls who now and
+then try to reach the infinity of westernness. But there is another poem
+more directly applicable to some conclusion as to the problem, which I
+like to think of in moments when I am reflecting upon its cordial
+welcome to me:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Out where the hand clasp's a little stronger,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Out where a smile dwells a little longer&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">That's where the West begins.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Out where the sun is a little brighter,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where the snows that fall are a trifle whiter,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where the bonds of home are a wee bit tighter&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">That's where the West begins.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Out where the world is in the making,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where fewer hearts with despair are aching&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">That's where the West begins.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where there's more of singing and less of sighing;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where there's more of giving and less of buying,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And a man makes friends without half trying&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">That's where the West begins.</span><br />
+<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The author of those lines, who was, I believe, Arthur Chapman of Denver,
+seems to me to have come closer to a solution of the problem than any
+other. For our own purposes just now, however, let us say that the
+incident to which I wish to refer took place in that part of the West
+which lies between Sandy Hook and the Golden Gate.</p>
+
+<p>My audience in this particular spot was delightfully responsive; so much
+so that I was all of two hours in the delivery of a lecture that
+ordinarily takes me an hour and a quarter to deliver. It was as
+exhilarating as a cross-country run, with turf and skies just right. But
+for the pauses made necessary by the interruptions in appreciation<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span> I
+should have galloped across the finish line in less than an hour. So
+stimulating in fact was the readiness of the good people before me to
+take what I had to say and run away with it, that, while I was
+immortally tired when I went out upon the platform, when I finished I
+could have started in and done it all over again with zest.</p>
+
+<p>But even with so pleasing a background of responsiveness, there was one
+young man seated in the front row who was a source of particular
+pleasure to me. He was a rather distinguished looking youth, with
+flashing eyes, and somewhat longish blond hair, and a physique that
+suggested a modern Viking. There was something in his face that
+suggested the scholarly habit&mdash;occasionally his expression was wistfully
+questioning. His eyes never left my face while I was speaking, and his
+physical attitude, forward-leaning, and a trifle tense, seemed to
+betoken an interest in what I had to say that was more than gratifying,
+and his mouth was kept half open, ever ready for action. If there was to
+be anything to laugh at, he at least was not going to be caught napping,
+or in any way unprepared, if by keeping his mouth<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span> open he could remove
+all obstacles that would have prevented the easy flow of his mirth.</p>
+
+<p>And his laugh! I wish I might have a rubber record of that laugh to
+secrete in an automatic machine located somewhere in the middle of my
+lecture halls, so that in response to the pressure of an electric button
+it could be let loose at certain psychological moments. It was as
+infectious a laugh as I ever listened to, and there were times when its
+contagion brought me perilously close to seeming to laugh at my own
+jokes&mdash;which is a dangerous thing for a lecturer to do, and contrary to
+the technic of the "business," which requires humorous periods to be
+delivered with a face solemn to the point of the funereal. It had really
+musical modulations, rising from pianissimo to fortissimo on the wings
+of nicely graded crescendos, and returning whence it had come with a
+sort of rippling gurgle that was mighty fetching.</p>
+
+<p>Finally not only was nothing I had in mind lost upon him, but he
+actually appeared to discover subtleties of wit in my discourse of whose
+presence I had not myself had the slightest suspicion. It is hardly
+necessary to say that he was pleasing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span> unto my soul, and naturally
+enough I spoke of him afterward to my chairman.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mr. Bangs," said the chairman as we walked back to the hotel
+together after the lecture was over, "what did you think of your
+audience to-night? Some responsiveness there, all right, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>I was impulsively enthusiastic enough to say that I thought it was a
+"corking good audience." "If they were all like that," said I, "this
+work would be as easy as cutting calves-foot jelly with an ax."</p>
+
+<p>"I thought you liked them," said he. "Our people here are appreciative,
+and they believe the laborer is worthy of his hire in showing it."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll put Blanksville down in my red-letter book," said I. "But tell me
+who and what is that rather distinguished looking young man with the
+longish blond hair and snappy eyes, who sat in the aisle seat of the
+front row next to the white-haired old lady with an audiphone? He had a
+wistful sort of face, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I know who you mean," said the chairman. "He's So-and-So. What
+about him&mdash;he didn't bother you, I hope?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"On the contrary," said I, "I loved him. He was about the most
+appreciative chap I ever talked to. He fairly hung on every word I
+spoke, and when it came to a funny point I'm blest if he didn't meet me
+more than halfway!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the chairman, "he would. He's half-witted."</p>
+
+<p>My swelling head immediately resumed its normal proportions, and when I
+left Blanksville the following morning the only discomfort I found in
+wearing my regular hat was that in some way or other it seemed to have
+grown a little too large for me, and showed a tendency to settle down
+over my ears. I have nevertheless comforted myself with the thought that
+sometimes the difference between half-wittedness and genius is so slight
+to the eye of the familiar beholder that wise men are not infrequently
+believed by their neighbors to be fools. My young friend after all may
+have been a poet, and, like some prophets, "without honor in his own
+country."</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="VII" id="VII"></a>VII</h2>
+
+<h3>FRIENDS OF THE ROAD</h3>
+
+
+<p>In the days of my cynicism I used to laugh in my sleeve, and
+occasionally in print, at the ways of the politicians and statesmen en
+route, who have their pictures taken hobnobbing with locomotive
+engineers, trainmen, and Pullman porters. Since I have myself become a
+professional wanderer and have come into closer, somewhat enforced,
+fellowship with these individuals I laugh at the politicians and
+statesmen no more. On the contrary I commend them, and I think with
+appreciation and gratitude of a poem by George Sterling, one of our real
+voices to-day calling down blessings on the heads of these "workers of
+the night" to whose watchful care we who travel intrust our lives.</p>
+
+<p>One who makes only occasional journeys by rail is not likely to think
+very much about the man at the throttle; but when one has practically<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span>
+lived on the rail for two or three months running, not only the man at
+the throttle, but the man at the switch, the flagman, the fireman, the
+conductor, and the Pullman porter as well, come to be in a very real
+sense members of his family.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Carnegie's hero medals are often bestowed, and worthily, upon men
+who on sudden impulse have performed some deed of heroism and
+self-sacrifice for the benefit of others; but I have yet to hear of one
+of these desirable possessions being bestowed upon the flagman who, in
+the face of a raging blizzard, at midnight, the thermometer at zero,
+leaves the comparative comfort of the rear car, and walks, whistling for
+company, back some four or five hundred yards along the icy track, and
+stands there with his red lantern in hand to warn a possibly advancing
+train behind of danger ahead.</p>
+
+<p>When the ice-incased wires are down, and the signal and switch towers
+are out of commission because of the rampageous elements, how many of us
+who lie comfortably asleep in the warm berths of our stalled trains give
+so much as a thought to the man outside in the freezing cold of the
+night,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span> keeping the switches clear that we may proceed, or to the
+flagman at the rear, shelterless before the storm, who stands between us
+and disaster? Most of us, I fancy, do not think of them at all, and I
+fear that many of us so occupy ourselves with self-sympathy on these
+occasions that we find no words of commendation in our hearts for
+anybody connected with the whole railway system; but rather words of
+condemnation for that system and everybody connected with it, from the
+innocent stockholder looking for dividends, all the way down to those
+poor devils who have forgotten under the stress of demoralizing
+conditions to fill the water tanks that we may drink and get our fair
+share of the nation's supply of typhoid germs.</p>
+
+<p>For myself, I can truthfully say that the remark of a railway official
+made to me many years ago in response to one of my complaints has of
+late years gathered considerable force and significance. This gentleman
+was a neighbor of mine, and one Christmas he presented me with an annual
+pass on the Hudson River Railroad. It was a delightful gift, and I used
+it with enthusiasm. One morning, however, as he and I sat together on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span> a
+local train that had in some mysterious way managed to lose four hours
+on a thirty-minute run, I turned to him and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Charlie, sometimes I wish I had never accepted that confounded old pass
+of yours. I've bartered my freedom of speech for a beggarly account of
+empty minutes. If it wasn't for that blankety-blank pass, I could tell
+you what I think of your blinkety-blink old road. Here we are four hours
+late on a thirty-minute run!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, my dear boy," he replied with an amiable smile, "you are
+dingety-dinged lucky to get in at all!"</p>
+
+<p>Individually I have experienced so much kindliness and courtesy at the
+hands of the personnel of our railroads in all parts of the United
+States that I sometimes get real satisfaction out of sharing with them
+the discomforts of travel. I have discovered without half trying that
+there are profound depths of friendliness in them which need to be given
+only half a chance to manifest themselves. Rarely indeed have I met with
+discourtesy at their hands, and many a weary hour has been cheered by
+their native wit. For the most part, naturally, my contact has been with
+the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span> station agent and the conductor&mdash;and the Pullman porter.</p>
+
+<p>While I deplore the abuses of tipping in this and other countries, I
+have rarely grudged the Pullman porter his well earned extra quarter.
+Perhaps the general run of us have not had the time, nor the
+inclination, to acquaint ourselves with the difficulties of the Pullman
+porter's job. We don't realize that with a car full of people ten
+passengers will want the car cooled off, ten others will want a little
+more heat, five will complain that there is too much air, five others
+will complain that there is too little; and poor Rastus, ground between
+the two millstones of complaint, has to make a show of pleasing
+everybody. He above all others would be justified in announcing as his
+favorite poem those fine old lines:</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">As a rule a man's a fool:</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">When it's hot he wants it cool;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">When it's cool he wants it hot&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Always wanting what is not.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>I recall one fine old darky once on a train running into Cleveland, who
+was very unhappy over a complaint of mine that, with a car crowded to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span>
+the limit with women and children, some cigarette fiend had vitiated
+what little air there was in the car by smoking in his berth. I was
+awakened at three o'clock in the morning by the oppressive odor of
+burning paper and near-perique. There is no mistaking the origin of that
+aromatic nuisance, and my gorge rose at the boorish lack of
+consideration that the smoker showed for the comfort and convenience of
+his fellow travelers. I pressed the button alongside my berth, and a
+moment later the porter was peering in at me through the curtains.</p>
+
+<p>"Look here, John," said I in a stage whisper, "this is a little too
+much! Somebody in this car is smoking cigarettes, and I think it's a
+condemned outrage. With all these ladies on board it seems to me that
+you ought to insist that the man who can't restrain his passion for
+cigarettes should get off at the next stop and take the first cattle car
+he finds running to where he thinks he is going."</p>
+
+<p>"Yas, suh," returned the porter sadly. "It's too bad, suh, an' I've
+tried my bes' to stop 'em twice, suh."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, by George!" said I, sitting up. "If<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span> they won't stop for you,
+maybe they will for me. If any man aboard this car thinks he can get
+away with a nuisance like this&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yas, suh," said the porter; "but that's jest whar de trouble comes in,
+suh. I been after 'em, suh; but it ain't no use. In bofe cases, suh, it
+was de ladies deirsefs dat was a-doin' all de smokin', suh."</p>
+
+<p>And he grinned so broadly as I threw myself back on my pillow that when
+I finally got to sleep again I dreamed of the opening to the Mammoth
+Cave, through a natural association of ideas.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs13.jpg" width="202" height="500" alt="&quot;I have been after &#39;em, suh; but it ain&#39;t no use.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;I have been after &#39;em, suh; but it ain&#39;t no use.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Occasionally one finds some trouble in keeping ahead of the Pullman
+porter in the matter of repartee. There used to be on the night run to
+Boston a venerable chap, black as the ace of spades, but patriarchal in
+his dignity, of whom I was very fond. He was as wide awake at all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span> hours
+of the day and night as though sleep had not been invented. Like most of
+his class, he was inclined to bestow titles on his charges.</p>
+
+<p>"Yo' got enough pillows, Cap'n?" he asked on one occasion, after he had
+fixed my berth.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Major," I replied, putting him up a peg higher. "But it's a cold
+night, and I think another blanket might come in handy."</p>
+
+<p>"All right, Cunnel," said he, adding to my honors. "I'll git hit right
+away."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you, General," said I, as he returned with the desired article.</p>
+
+<p>"Glad to serve yo', Admiral," said he with deep gravity.</p>
+
+<p>"And now, Bishop," said I, resolved to keep at it until I scored a
+victory, "suppose&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hol' on, mistuh!" he retorted instantly. "Hol' on! Dey ain't mo'n one
+puhson in de Universe whut's higher 'n a bishop, an' I knows mighty well
+yo' ain't Him!"</p>
+
+<p>Our dusky brothers not infrequently fill me with a sense of consolation
+in difficult moments. Two such cases occur to me at this writing; one in
+my own experience, and the other in a story I heard in the South last
+winter, the mere thought of which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span> has many times since served to soften
+my woes in troublesome moments.</p>
+
+<p>The first occurred several years ago, when the steel passenger cars
+first came into commission. Being myself of a somewhat inflammable
+nature, I make it a rule to travel on these in preference to the
+old-fashioned tinder boxes of ten years ago whenever I can. On this
+particular occasion, however, on a hurried midwinter night run, I found
+myself in a highly ornate, lumbering Pullman of the vintage of '68. It
+was an essentially mid-Victorian affair, and in the matter of decoration
+was a flamboyant specimen of the early A. T. Stewart period of American
+interior embellishment.</p>
+
+<p>Those whose memories hark back that far will remember that the Pullman
+Company's money at that time was largely expended on lavish
+ornamentation of a peculiarly assertive rococo style, consisting for the
+main part of an eruption of gew-gaws which ran riot over the exposed
+surfaces of the car like a rash on the back of a baby. The external
+slant of the upper berth in these cars was ever a favorite surface for
+this particular kind of gew-gawsity, and no occupant of a lower berth<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span>
+known to me ever succeeded in getting safely into bed, or out of it,
+without having one or more of these lovely patterns imprinted on the top
+of his head with more force than delicacy. In collisions the occupant of
+one of these varnish-soaked orgies of fretwork had about as much chance
+of escaping unscathed as what a dear clerical friend of mine in a lay
+sermon once characterized as "a celluloid dog chasing an asbestos cat
+through the depths of purgatory." Whenever I find myself on one of these
+cars I think instinctively of just three things, and in this order&mdash;my
+past life, my possible permanent future, and my accident insurance
+policy&mdash;and try to comfort myself by playing both ends against the
+middle.</p>
+
+<p>In my haste on this occasion I had not particularly noticed the
+characteristics of the car until I attempted to remove my shoes to
+retire. As I sat up after untying the laces I was brought to a painful
+realization of the old-time nature of the vehicle by having impressed
+most forcibly upon the top of my head the convolutions of an empire
+wreath, carved out of pine splints, and embossed with gold leaf, which
+served to give Napoleonic dignity to the upper berth when not in use.
+The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span> jar, plus the ensuing association of ideas, brought to my mind an
+uneasy realization of the probable truth that the car was of antique
+pattern, about as solid as any other box of potential toothpicks, and as
+fireproof as a ball of excelsior soaked with paraffin. At the moment the
+porter happened to be passing with the carpet-stepped ladder to assist a
+two-hundred-and-fifty-pound traveling man into the berth overhead, and I
+addressed him.</p>
+
+<p>"See here, porter!" said I. "What kind of car do you call this, anyhow?
+Isn't this the car Shem, Ham, and Japhet took when they moved back to
+town from Ararat?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yas, suh," he answered. "She suttinly am an ol' timah, suh."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I don't feel exactly safe, George," said I. "Aren't there any
+steel cars on this train?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, we's all safe enough, suh," said George, with the assurance of one
+who is so well intrenched that no foe on earth could possibly get at
+him. "De cyar behind an' de cyar in front, dey's bofe steel, suh."</p>
+
+<p>I had never expected to enjoy in this life the sensations that I suspect
+are those of a mosquito when he finds himself caught between the
+avenging<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span> palms of a horny-fisted son of toil, who has at last got a
+pestiferous nuisance where he wants him; but I must confess that such
+were my sensations that night; and every time the train came to a sudden
+stop in its plunging through the dark I had a not too comfortable sense
+that when the steel front of the car behind finally came to meet the
+iron end of the car ahead, through the unresisting mass of splinters and
+Empire wreaths between, I would personally, in all likelihood, more
+closely resemble a cubist painting of a sunset on the Barbary Coast than
+a human being. I imagine that what really carried me uninjured through
+the nervous ordeal of that night was the amused view I took of good old
+George's notions as to what constituted absolute safety.</p>
+
+<p>The other incident, as narrated to me by a fellow traveler, has given me
+much comfort in exasperating moments. In sections of the South and West
+the engineers have not as yet mastered the art of stopping or starting
+their trains gently. When they stop they stop grindingly, with jolts and
+jars sudden and violent enough to send a snoring traveler full of stored
+up impetus head first through a stone wall; or, if it be in the
+daytime,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span> with a jerk of such a nature as would snap his head off
+completely if the latter were not so firmly fastened to his neck. It is
+a method that may do very well for freight, but for passengers and
+dynamite it has its disadvantages.</p>
+
+<p>It was on a line renowned for its jarring methods that the incident of
+which my friend told me is alleged to have occurred. A train made up of
+day coaches and Pullman sleepers broke through a wooden trestle and
+landed in a frightful mass of twisted wreckage on the bottom of a ravine
+some eighty feet below. The wrecking crew worked nobly, and after
+several hours of heroic effort came to a crushed and splintered sleeper
+at the base of the ruin. There amid the debris, sleeping peacefully,
+with a beam across his chest, lay the porter, wholly unhurt, and
+dreaming. He was even snoring. The foreman of the wrecking crew, with
+suitable language expressing his amazement at the miracle, finally
+succeeded in getting Sambo half awake.</p>
+
+<p>"Wh-whut's de mattah?" stammered Sambo, sitting up, and gazing dazedly
+at the ruin on every side.</p>
+
+<p>"Matter?" echoed the foreman. "Why,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span> Jumping Jehoshaphat, man! Don't you
+know that this whole dod-gasted train has fallen through the trestle?
+It's a wonder you weren't killed. Didn't you feel anything?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, yas, boss," said Sambo. "I did feel sumpin' kind o' jolty; but I
+t'ought dey was jes' a-puttin' on de dinah at Jackson."</p>
+
+<p>So it is that nowadays when these jolting, jarring notes come along to
+vex my soul I no longer lose my temper as I used to do, but think rather
+of that old darky and "de dinah at Jackson," and wax mellow, feeling
+that that story alone, true or not, is a full justification of all the
+sufferings I or others have had to endure at the ungentle hands of the
+freight engineer at the passenger throttle.</p>
+
+<p>These men on the engines are great characters, and whenever I can get
+into touch with them I do so. In some of my zigzagging trips hither and
+yon in the Middle and Northwest I often find myself back to-day on some
+train or other that has carried me along on some previous trip, and it
+is frequently much like a family reunion when I meet the crew for a
+third or fourth time. "Glad to see you back," is a familiar greeting
+from conductors, engineers, flagmen, and porters alike. There is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span> one
+diner on a Western run that I have visited so frequently that I receive
+all the kindly special attention one used to look for at an inn to which
+he was a constant visitor; and I think it all grew out of the fact that
+the first time I traveled on that particular car I summoned the man in
+charge to complain of the pie.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't like to complain," said I; "but this pie&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter with the pie?" he asked, bristling a little.</p>
+
+<p>"Why," said I, "it's so confoundedly good that even a whole one couldn't
+satisfy me!"</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs14.jpg" width="303" height="500" alt="&quot;These men on the engines are great characters.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;These men on the engines are great characters.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Ever since the registry of that complaint I have really had more than
+the law allows on that particular car. Preferential treatment that would
+fill the Interstate Commerce Commission with anguish is always mine.
+Neither the rack nor all the fires of the Inquisition could extract from
+me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span> its precise identity, lest its kindly crew be fined for overcourtesy
+to a specific individual.</p>
+
+<p>But to return to the engineers: I have always cherished the memory of a
+stolid old graybeard in command of a special train circumstances once
+compelled me to hire in order to meet an Arizona date for which there
+was no possible regular connection by rail. My special started from
+Ph&#339;nix shortly after midnight of a stormy day, to carry me down to
+Maricopa, there to connect with an early morning express into Tucson.
+The train consisted of an engine and a single day coach. Inasmuch as it
+was mine for the time being, and at considerable cost, I decided to
+exercise my proprietary rights and ride on the engine. A heavy rain
+which had been falling all day had changed the dry, sandy beds of the
+Salt and Gila rivers to torrential streams, to the great disadvantage of
+the roadbeds. We literally seemed to be feeling our way along in the
+dark, until suddenly the clouds broke away and a glorious moon shed its
+radiance over everything. Just at this point the engineer with a
+startled exclamation seized the throttle and brought us to a
+disquietingly abrupt stop. He whispered a word or two to the fireman,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span>
+who immediately descended from the cab and ran on ahead along the track
+until he was completely lost to sight.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the trouble?" said I somewhat apprehensively, as the engineer
+began examining his machinery.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, nothing," said he. "I've just sent Bill ahead to see if the bridge
+is still there."</p>
+
+<p>"Bridge? Still there?" I queried. "There's nothing wrong with the
+bridges, I hope."</p>
+
+<p>"Well&mdash;I dunno," said he. "Look over there," he added with a wave of his
+hand off to the left of us. I peered across the stream in the direction
+he had indicated, and there in the bright light of the moon I could see
+that two huge iron spans of the Santa F&eacute; bridge had been completely
+undermined by the fierce flow of the waters, and now lay flat on their
+sides in midstream.</p>
+
+<p>"Ooo-hoo! All right!" came the voice of the fireman from the dark ahead.</p>
+
+<p>I sat transfixed and speechless as the engineer started slowly ahead and
+moved at a snail's pace along the soggy road. We came to the bridge,
+which was still standing, in a few moments; but oh how it swayed as we
+inched our way across! I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span> should have felt safer if that train and I
+were lying together in a hammock. We fairly lurched across it, and I
+should not have been at all surprised if at any moment the whole
+structure had collapsed under our weight. Finally we got across in
+safety, and my heart condescended to emerge from my boots.</p>
+
+<p>"By George, Mr. Engineer!" said I. "If there's any more like that, I
+guess I'll get off and walk the rest of the way."</p>
+
+<p>"All right, mister," said the engineer cheerfully. "If you prefer the
+company of rattlesnakes and Gila monsters to mine, go ahead&mdash;and may the
+Lord have mercy on your soul!"</p>
+
+<p>I decided to remain.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="VIII" id="VIII"></a>VIII</h2>
+
+<h3>CHAIRMEN I HAVE MET</h3>
+
+
+<p>Sometimes the Gentleman in the Chair is a Lady, but more often he is a
+man, and, strange to relate, contrary to the general impression of the
+comparative methods of the sexes, the ladies are vastly more direct in
+their introductions than their Brothers in Suffering. Women are seldom
+oratorically inclined. Men are invariably so&mdash;or at least chairmen are.
+And as a result an introduction to an audience by a woman is likely to
+become more of an "identification of the remains" than an illuminating
+explanation of the speaker's right to be where he is; while the men
+"pile it on" to such an extent that the lecturer has often to struggle
+immortally to make good the chairman's kindly declarations on his
+behalf.</p>
+
+<p>Personally, with all due respect to the Lady Chairman, I prefer the
+masculine method: not because I like to hear myself exalted to the
+tipmost<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span> point of the blue vault above; for I do not. It is hard work to
+sit still before five hundred people with a smug expression of
+countenance and hear oneself compared to Dickens and Thackeray, and
+Shakespeare and Moses, to the distinct disadvantages of that noble
+quartet of literary strugglers; and I have never ceased to sympathize
+with Anthony Hope, who on a postprandial occasion some years ago when I
+was sitting next to him, after listening to a few eulogistic remarks by
+a speaker in which he was made to appear the greatest Light of
+Literature since the beginning of time, lifted the tablecloth, glanced
+under it, and in a muffled tone murmured, "My God, Bangs! Isn't there
+any way out of here? I cawn't live up to all this!"</p>
+
+<p>Nevertheless, I do prefer the men's method, because it gives me more
+time in which to study my audience, and, in so far as I may, adjust
+myself and my discourse to the special problem confronting me. In the
+one case (introductions by women) it is as if one were suddenly seized
+by the scruff of the neck and thrown overboard without even time to say
+one's prayers; in the other the victim is slowly and pleasantly carried
+upward<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span> from the level of fact on the wings of kindly fancy to a
+pinnacle of unearned increment of glory, and left there to shift for
+himself: to soar higher if he have afflatus enough to attain loftier
+heights, or to slide back to where he belongs as gracefully as may be.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs15.jpg" width="208" height="500" alt="&quot;Pile it on so thick that the lecturer has to
+struggle hard to make good.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;Pile it on so thick that the lecturer has to
+struggle hard to make good.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I have often thought as I have sat and listened to these delightful
+flights of eulogy&mdash;so like the obituary notices we read in the
+newspapers after a great man dies&mdash;of the great disadvantages of those
+upper realms. It is very lonely and cold up there, and while the old saw
+is undoubtedly correct, and there <i>is</i> plenty of room at the top, let it
+be recorded by one who has more than once been summarily hauled thither
+as involuntarily as undeservedly, that it is elbow room only, with
+mighty little solid earth on which to rest one's feet. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span> poet who
+invented the expression "the giddy heights" knew what he was talking
+about, and one has but to go out on the lecture platform and try to
+stand gracefully on those abstract peaks to have it proved to his entire
+satisfaction.</p>
+
+<p>But there is another reason why I prefer the chair-<i>man</i> to the
+chair-<i>woman</i>, and it has to do solely with the technic of lecturing. No
+one who has ever lectured can deny the apprehension of the first five
+minutes of the effort. Those five minutes are perhaps the most critical
+period of the evening. If the attack is not right, the whole affair is
+likely to come down with a crash; for first impressions count perhaps
+more than they should with the average audience. If the attack is good,
+and the lecturer can "make himself solid" with his audience at the very
+beginning, structural weaknesses and an occasional dull or dragging
+moment will be forgiven later, because those who listen have come to
+like the speaker personally, and decline to let him fail unless he
+really insists upon doing so.</p>
+
+<p>Now the technic of this attack, I should say if I were retained to write
+a Primer for Lecturers, involves the chairman most materially. He is
+the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span> tangible hook on which the alert lyceumite almost invariably either
+hangs or supports himself in those first five minutes. Human nature is
+so constituted that people like a pleasantry at the expense of some
+person or of some thing with which they are personally familiar. It
+grows out of the love of the concrete&mdash;which is a failure of us all, I
+fancy&mdash;and in every community there are always at least two concrete
+things that are sure winners for the lecturer&mdash;the chairman of the
+evening, and the railway system upon which the inhabitants of the
+community depend. Jests broad or subtle at the expense of either are
+received with howls of joy.</p>
+
+<p>On my first transcontinental trip, made ten years ago, I never failed to
+receive an immediate response from my audiences when I referred to the
+letters N. P. R. R., the abbreviated form for the Northern Pacific
+Railroad, as really signifying a "Not Particularly Rapid Route"; and in
+other sections of the country served by those charming corporations the
+shortest cut I know to the affections of the people is through a bald or
+ribald jest at the expense of the Erie or the Baltimore &amp; Ohio
+Railroad.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The chairman, however, is an equally safe proposition. He is either a
+very popular man in town, or directly the reverse, and in either case
+his neighbors enjoy a little joke at his expense. Naturally the joke, to
+be successful, must have to do with something peculiar to the moment,
+which the lecturer must find in the chairman's opening remarks.
+Obviously one cannot be so freely facetious with a woman as with a man,
+and if he has been properly brought up does not even wish to be so. So
+that the Lady Chairman invariably leaves the speaker with a restricted
+field of operations at the outset.</p>
+
+<p>Of course in all these reflections I am speaking merely of the lecturer
+who seeks popular rather than academic favor, which is frankly my own
+case. I should infinitely prefer to find myself liked by a miscellaneous
+audience rather than by a limited company of scientificos who are
+professionally more interested in things of the head than of the heart.
+It is better to be human than great, and I care more for Humanity than
+for the Humanities.</p>
+
+<p>At a rough estimate I should say that in the last ten years I have been
+the beneficiary of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span> services of not less than eight hundred
+chairmen, and in that whole list I can recall but one that I did not
+like, and no doubt he was a most likable fellow. He was a clergyman and
+a man of information, if not education; but he seemed to think that
+because somebody had once intimated that I was a "humorist" (a title
+that I have neither laid claim to, nor specially desired to win) I must
+naturally be reached only by a downward climb from his own dignified
+heights. There are individuals in this world who conceive humor to be a
+somewhat undignified pursuit, their own education in that branch of
+human action having been confined to a study of the antics of the circus
+clown, and they are likely to deny to humorists even the right to the
+use of correct English.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said this special chairman unctuously when we met for the first
+time, "you are from New York, I understand."</p>
+
+<p>"I have been a New Yorker," I said noncommittally.</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose you know Howells, and Mark Twain, and all that <i>bunch</i>?" he
+went on, condescending to use the kind of language with which he of
+course assumed I was most familiar.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And it was just there that I took a violent dislike to the man. The word
+<i>bunch</i>, as applied to Mr. Howells and Mark Twain by one of his presumed
+education was not pleasing to my soul, though I should have loved it
+from a cowboy. It was as if somebody had referred to "those talented
+<i>cusses</i>, Carlyle and Emerson," and I simmered slightly within.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I replied, "I've known Howells and his gang for ages&mdash;bunked
+with the whole kit and caboodle of 'em for nearly twenty years&mdash;and you
+can take it from me they're a nifty herd! But the other&mdash;who was the
+other man?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mark Twain," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"I seem to have heard the name somewhere," said I; "but I don't think
+I've ever met him, or at least I don't remember it. New York's a pretty
+big place, you know, and you can't be expected to know everybody. What
+was his line?"</p>
+
+<p>I am not sure, but I think the reverend gentleman woke up at that point.
+At any rate he gave me no clue as to Mark Twain's identity. He turned
+away, and excused himself on the ground that he wanted to see if the
+audience was "all in."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Don't bother," I called after him. "It will be <i>all in</i> when I get
+through with it."</p>
+
+<p>But he never cracked a smile. I presume there were refinements of slang
+with which he was not familiar.</p>
+
+<p>As to the others, however, I find as I run the noble army over in
+retrospect that many have won their way into my affections, and none are
+remembered save pleasantly. Several of them stand out pre&euml;minently for
+acts of self-sacrificing kindness on my behalf; notably one gentleman in
+Iowa who drove me over a distance of eighteen miles after midnight
+through a raging blizzard, requiring the unremitting efforts of four
+sturdy horses to pull us through, in order that I might catch a train
+back East and be with my children at Christmas time, and he was not a
+particularly emotional man, or anything of a sentimentalist, at that.</p>
+
+<p>I shall never forget the spur of his answer to a remark I made to him
+that night on our way from the hotel to the lecture hall. The snow was
+falling lightly when he arrived, but the distance to the hall was so
+short that we walked it. As we came to the public square I noticed that
+hitched<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span> to the white railing about the county courthouse that stood in
+the middle thereof were some thirty or forty teams, harnessed to farm
+wagons of various types, large and small. It was already after eight
+o'clock, and I was surprised to find the wagons there at so late an
+hour.</p>
+
+<p>"Your people work late, Mr. Robb," said I, as we sauntered along.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean by that?" he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Why," said I, "those wagons over there. Isn't it a trifle late for your
+farmers to be in town?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," he said, "those wagons&mdash;why no, Mr. Bangs. Those wagons are here
+for pleasure, not on business. They have brought in a good part of your
+audience. Some of your people to-night have driven in from as far as
+twenty miles to hear you."</p>
+
+<p>My heart sank. "Great Scott!" I ejaculated. "Twenty miles, eh? On a
+night like this&mdash;I&mdash;I hope I'll be good enough for that."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>I hope so!</i>" was his laconic response.</p>
+
+<p>The rejoinder was as the prick of a spur, and by its aid, as well as
+with the assistance of a delightfully receptive gathering of listeners
+who had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span> traveled far to have a good time, and meant to have it
+anyhow&mdash;a characteristic of your Westerner&mdash;we pulled through in good
+condition.</p>
+
+<p>When all was over this noncommittal Iowan bundled me up in a borrowed
+fur overcoat, and insisted on taking that all-night drive with me
+through the raging storm that I might be sent safely and rejoicing back
+to my youngsters awaiting my coming on the Atlantic coast. It was
+shortly after four in the morning when my train drew out of the distant
+station, and the last I saw of my kindly host he was standing on the
+railway platform, knee deep in the snow, in the spotlight of a solitary
+white electric lamp, hat in hand, and waving his farewells and good
+wishes for me and mine.</p>
+
+<p>I rejoice to say that he has remained my friend over the eight or nine
+years that have since elapsed, and if by any chance he shall read these
+lines I trust they will serve to prove to him that my affection, as
+frequently expressed in my letters to him, is still quite as strong and
+as deep as one with his capacity for friendliness could possibly wish it
+to be. And I wish to add that his figure as it stands out in my memory
+has become a symbol<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span> to me of the kindness, and courtesy, and
+friendliness of the great-hearted people who dwell in what he and his
+fellows properly and pridefully refer to always as "God's Own Country."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs16.jpg" width="147" height="500" alt="&quot;The last I saw of my kindly host.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;The last I saw of my kindly host.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Another Iowa chairman, whose charming companionship and courtesy I shall
+always remember, will not mind, I am sure, if I record here a most
+amusing "break" that he made at our first meeting, which, I hasten to
+add, he more than redeemed afterward when the stress and strain of the
+evening relaxed. He dwelt in what appeared to be a most flourishing
+little city in the northern part of the State. I had arrived there early
+in the afternoon, and was so much impressed by the clean-cut appearance
+of everything<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span> I saw that I lingered upon the streets long after I
+should have sought my couch to rest up for the evening. The streets were
+as clean as a whistle. The dwellings were attractive in design and
+setting, and the business blocks were of a dignified if not massive
+style of architecture. Best of all, if I could judge from those I saw
+to-ing and fro-ing upon the streets, the people themselves were alert
+and active.</p>
+
+<p>In view of all this apparent prosperity I was a trifle surprised when
+the chairman arrived at the hotel to find him rather depressed. He was a
+clergyman, and at first glance seemed to be suffering from profound
+melancholy; so very profound indeed that I deemed it my duty to try to
+cheer him up.</p>
+
+<p>"What a fine, prosperous little city you have here, Doctor," said I with
+genuine enthusiasm. "I've put in the greater part of the afternoon
+looking the place over, and I tell you it has filled me with joy."</p>
+
+<p>"Humph!" said he gloomily. "It looks prosperous, but&mdash;<i>it ain't</i>! It's a
+bank-made town. The banks got here first, and induced people to come and
+settle on easy terms, and the terms<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span> haven't turned out quite so easy as
+they might. There's hardly a man in this town that isn't up to his chin
+in debt."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, well, what of that?" said I, still resolved to win out on a
+tolerably hopeless proposition. "Of course debt is a bad thing; but
+sometimes it acts as a spur. Your people are a bright and brainy looking
+lot. It won't take them long to settle up."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, they look bright and brainy," he returned sadly; "but <i>they ain't</i>!
+There isn't one man in ten 'll understand a half of what you say to them
+to-night."</p>
+
+<p>"Look here, Doctor!" said I, beginning to wax a trifle chilly myself,
+especially in the regions of my pedal extremities. "What are you trying
+to do, discourage me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no," he replied, with a mournful shake of his head. "If I'd been
+trying to discourage you, I'd have told you about our lecture hall. It's
+without any exception the meanest thing of its kind on the American
+continent. Why," he added, holding out his hands in a gesture of utter
+despair, "why, if we had a lecture hall that was only halfway decent,
+<i>we could afford to have some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span>body out here to talk to us that
+would be worth listening to!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>The chairman who in the exuberance of his own eloquence forgets the name
+of the individual he is introducing, even though he has announced that
+that name is a "household word," is no creature of the imagination, and
+if the stories that are told of him seem hackneyed, it is not because
+they are so frequently told, but because they happen so frequently in
+the experience of all platform speakers, and in almost identical manner.
+Even so well known a man as Mr. Bryan has suffered from this, one
+enthusiastic admirer in New York having once, after a skyscraping
+peroration, led up with climacteric force to the name of "our Peerless
+Leader, <i>William J. Brennings</i>."</p>
+
+<p>In my own platform experience I have had chairmen come to me at the last
+moment and confess with most childlike frankness that they have never
+heard of me before, asking me to help them out because they really
+didn't know "what in Tophet to say." One individual out on the Pacific
+Coast approached me one night about ten minutes before the lecture was
+scheduled to begin,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span> and revealed to me his terrible embarrassment over
+this latter situation.</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't know until half an hour ago that I was to present you to our
+people to-night," said he, "and to tell the honest truth, Mr. Bangs, <i>I
+never heard of you before</i>. Will you please tell me who you are, and
+<i>what</i> you are, and <i>why</i> you are? And is there anything pleasant I can
+say about you in introducing you to your audience?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said I, "if I had known I was to have the privilege of preparing
+the obituary notice you are to deliver over my prostrate remains while I
+lie in state upon the platform to-night, I should have written out
+something that would have been mighty proud reading for the little
+Bangses when I sent marked copies of to-morrow morning's papers back
+East to show them what a great man their daddy is in the West. But I
+haven't time to tell you the whole story of my past life, and there are
+certain sections of it I wouldn't tell you if I had. I have been a
+Democrat in New York and a Republican in Maine."</p>
+
+<p>"You might at least make a suggestion or two to help me out, though," he
+pleaded.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes," said I, "there are plenty of pleasant<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span> things you can say
+about me. In the first place, you can tell that audience that&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on a moment, Mr. Bangs," he interrupted, raising his hand to stop
+me. "Just one minute, please! <i>You've got to remember that I am a
+clergyman and must speak the truth!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>I resolved to let him go his own gait, and comforted him by telling him
+he could say whatever he pleased, and that I would "stand for it."</p>
+
+<p>And I must confess he acquitted himself nobly. In his hands I became one
+of the Princes of Letters, the titles of whose many books were too well
+known to need any enumeration of them there, and as for my name&mdash;why, it
+would be an impertinence for him even to mention it, "because, my
+friends," said he, "I am perfectly well aware that that name is <i>as
+familiar to you as it is to me</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Another good gentleman in the South, summoned to do duty as chairman at
+the last moment, sought no aid either from myself or from "Who's Who,"
+trusting, like the good Christian he was, utterly to Holy Writ. He began
+most impressively with selections from the Book of Genesis. "In the
+beginning God created the earth," said he, and then he ran lightly over
+the sequences of created<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</a></span> things until he had ushered the birds of the
+air, the beasts of the field, and the fishes of the sea on to the stage,
+and thence with an easy jump he came to myself.</p>
+
+<p>"And then, my friends," he said, with an impressive pause, "the Creator
+felt that He should create something to have dominion over all these
+things that He knew were good&mdash;a creature of heart, a creature of soul,
+a creature of in-till-ect, and so He made man. My friends, it is such a
+one that we have with us to-night who will speak to you upon his own
+subject as only he can do. It gives me great pleasure to introduce to
+you the speaker of the evening, who is too well known to you all to need
+any further eulogy on my part."</p>
+
+<p>The good gentleman then retired to a proscenium box at the right of the
+stage, where he at once proceeded to fall asleep, and snored so lustily
+that everybody in the house was delighted, including myself&mdash;although,
+to tell the truth, I envied him his nap, for I was immortally tired.</p>
+
+<p>One of the dearest of my chairmen was a fine old gentleman in West
+Virginia, to meet and know whom was truly an inspiration. He was a
+profound scholar, and had enjoyed the rare privilege<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</a></span> in a long and
+useful life of knowing intimately some of the demigods of American
+literature. His reminiscences of Emerson, and Oliver Wendell Holmes, and
+Longfellow, and Hawthorne, and others of our most brilliant literary
+epoch, were a delight to listen to, and I was sorry when the time came
+for us to go out upon the platform. It would have been a greater treat
+for that audience to listen to him than to me, and I heartily wished we
+might exchange places for the moment. Like a great many others of my
+chairmen, this gentleman experienced some difficulty in getting the
+title of my lecture, "Salubrities I Have Met," straight in his mind.
+More than once during our little chat together he would pause and say:</p>
+
+<p>"What is the title of your talk again? It has slipped my mind."</p>
+
+<p>"Sal-u-bri-ties I Have Met," I would say.</p>
+
+<p>"Tell me again&mdash;is it Salubrities or Celebrities?" he would ask.</p>
+
+<p>"Salubrities," I would reply. And then I would spell it out for him,
+"S-A-L-U-B-R-I-T-I-E-S, Salubrities. Not in any case Celebrities, or you
+will spoil my opening."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll try to remember it," he would say, with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[153]</a></span> a mistrustful shake of
+his head as if he feared it was impossible. "It's rather elusive, you
+know."</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps I had better write it down on a slip of paper," I said at the
+last.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no," he replied. "I think I have it now&mdash;Salubrities, Salubrities,
+Salubrities&mdash;yes&mdash;I&mdash;I think I have it."</p>
+
+<p>We walked out upon the platform, and the dear old gentleman began a
+short address so filled with witty and pleasant things that I have ever
+since wished I could have had a stenographer present to take it down in
+shorthand. It would have formed an excellent standard of conduct and
+achievement worthy of any man's striving. And then he came to my
+subject.</p>
+
+<p>"And to-night, ladies and gentlemen," he said, "Mr. Bangs has come to us
+to give us his famous lecture on&mdash;ahem&mdash;on&mdash;er&mdash;he has come, I say, to
+give us his inimitable talk on&mdash;er&mdash;on&mdash;er&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>I leaned forward, and tried to give it to him in a stage whisper; but
+was too late. His impetus carried him on to destruction.</p>
+
+<p>"&mdash;his delightful talk on Lubricators He Has Met," said he.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Without any jealousies let me confess that that observation was truly
+the hit of the evening. The bulk of the audience had been themselves so
+mystified by the possible significance of the word Salubrities that they
+knew the title by heart, and we began the evening with a roar of
+laughter that made us all friends at once. And as a matter of fact no
+harm was done; for "Lubricators I Have Met" was quite as good a title as
+the other, for my Salubrities are men and women who have made the world
+happier, and better, and sweeter, by their kindliness and graciousness,
+and what in the world could be more fitting than that the people who do
+that should be called Lubricators?</p>
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[155]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="IX" id="IX"></a>IX</h2>
+
+<h3>CHANCE ACQUAINTANCES</h3>
+
+
+<p>The delightful author of that most appealing story, "The Friendly Road,"
+had only to scratch the surface of things a little to find many a golden
+nugget of friendliness and courtesy in the mines of the human spirit. As
+I look back on my many thousands of miles of travel in this country I
+find myself able to say with equal confidence that on the Roads of
+Steel, and the lanes tributary thereto, where few of us would think to
+look for such things, I too have found my golden nuggets without more
+than half-trying to find them. I have already spoken of my friends among
+the trainmen, to whose fidelity and watchful care I have owed my safe
+transit and my comfort in many a long and weary stretch. They have been
+an abundant source of happiness to me; but there have been others still,
+in whose wit and fraternal companionship, and illuminating discourse, I
+have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[156]</a></span> found both pleasure and profit. Many of these have been the chance
+acquaintances of the smoker and the observation car en route.</p>
+
+<p>It does not happen often here in the East that we make friends "by
+rail." Possibly it is because the distances traversed are comparatively
+short. Perhaps too it is due to the Eastern Reserve, which is a State of
+Mind, just as the Western Reserve has become several States of Being. I
+know that the democratic Westerner traveling in the East finds us
+apparently cold and unresponsive; though I doubt we are really so. We
+are merely hurried, and possibly worried; too preoccupied to notice the
+many little opportunities for friendly intercourse that a railway
+journey presents.</p>
+
+<p>It is my own impression that the distance to be traveled has largely to
+do with this difference of manner between the Eastern man and his
+brother from the West. The average Easterner who has never penetrated
+the West farther than Sandy Hook has no real conception of the
+magnificence of those distances about and beyond the Mississippi Valley.
+At times when for reasons of business or pleasure I have gone from my
+home in Maine to my encampment in New York, between<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[157]</a></span> the hours of six
+<small>P.M.</small> on a Tuesday, say, and six <small>A.M.</small> of the following Wednesday, I have
+passed through six separate American commonwealths: but in those Far
+Western stretches I have time and again spent my full twenty-four hours
+upon the road without in any wise finding myself subject to the rules
+and regulations of the Interstate Commerce Commission.</p>
+
+<p>Out of this rises, naturally enough, a difference in attitude toward
+one's fellow travelers. There comes to be a greater sense of a settled
+community interest on the longer journey, which brings with it greater
+inclination for social intercourse with one's neighbors of the sleeper.</p>
+
+<p>One of the conspicuous results of my contact with humanity on the road
+has been that I have come to hold a very high respect for the traveling
+man; so high indeed that where ten years ago I should probably have
+spoken of him in the terms of our American vernacular as a drummer, I
+have now definitely ejected that word from my vocabulary, save in its
+narrower meaning as applied to that overnoisy person who beats that most
+unmusical musical instrument, the drum, in our modern bands. These
+commercial travelers average<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[158]</a></span> high in character and in intellect, and
+the man who keeps his ears open while in their company can hardly fail
+to learn much from their discourse. The best of them know their own
+special lines from the ground up, and if my observation of them is
+correct the very least of them are authorities on human nature.</p>
+
+<p>I do not wish to boast, but I think that if some emergency should arise
+requiring me to prepare offhand an article on suspenders, straw hats,
+automobiles, or canned tomatoes, I could qualify as an apparent
+authority, anyhow, from things I have heard directly from the good
+fellows pursuing those particular lines, or have overheard in their
+chats with others, in the smoking cars. More than once I have left a
+symposium conducted by a group of these gentlemen almost obsessed with
+the notion that our universities might be better qualified to do their
+real work in life if the average college professor were able to "get his
+stuff over" as humanly, as clearly, as entertainingly, and as
+effectively as do the bulk of these advance agents of the American
+industrial world. They are, according to their several capacities, full
+of their subject, saturated with it, enthusiastic over it, and wholly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[159]</a></span>
+unreluctant when they get even half a chance to reveal their knowledge
+to a ready listener.</p>
+
+<p>I have met men on the road who were as eloquent on the subject of men's
+underwear as I should like to be on the necessity of a cheerier spirit
+in meeting the trials of life, and one effervescent soul on a Pacific
+Coast trip once held me and mine spell-bound by his remarkable
+disquisition on the spiritual influence of comfortable shoes, talking
+for a longer time than I have ever yet listened willingly to a sermon on
+some seemingly less homely topic. And as authorities on the state of the
+nation, political, commercial, and spiritual&mdash;well, any kind of
+administration, Republican, Democratic, Progressive, would not do badly
+were it to summon a congress of these individuals to meet annually at
+Washington, to confer with it, to inform it, and to lay before it
+anything having directly or remotely to do with "things as is."</p>
+
+<p>They are by nature diplomats, by instinct orators, and of necessity they
+are profound students of human nature. They have to be adaptable to
+circumstance, ready of resource, and full of tolerance. I take off my
+hat to them, and heartily congratulate the business interests of the
+United States to-day<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[160]</a></span> upon the high character and quality of manhood of
+this splendid army in the field of commerce.</p>
+
+<p>One of these good fellows several years ago enlivened me for many weary
+hours on a tedious journey from Kansas City to Minneapolis. The journey
+was full of annoying mishaps, thanks to a habit some of our Southern and
+Western railway people have, lacking roses and other fresh flowers, of
+strewing freight wrecks in my path. It is an expensive tribute; but I
+would willingly go without it.</p>
+
+<p>On this occasion my friend and I dined together, breakfasted together,
+characterized our luck in a beautiful commingling of strong language
+together, and together we watched the painfully slow operations of the
+train wreckers removing that tributary debris from the tracks. He was
+buoyant and undismayed by trial, and for hours he orated eloquently upon
+his subject, which happened to be straw hats. When he got through, had I
+taken notes, I could have qualified for a University degree upon that
+subject if I had sought an S. T. D. (Doctor of Straw Tiling).</p>
+
+<p>The vast gulf that separates the near-Panama from the real thing became
+perfectly clear to me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[161]</a></span> then, if it had never been so before, and I knew
+how it had come about that a New Yorker could buy a Panama hat for two
+dollars and fifty cents on Eighth avenue which on Fifth avenue would
+cost him ten dollars; and why a three-dollar Leghorn purchased in
+Chicago was inferior to a ninety-five dollar Leghorn manufactured in
+Newark, New Jersey, was made so obvious that I have worn neither since.
+His discourse was lucid, picturesque, convincing, and so completely
+comprehensive that women's hats became no more of a mystery to me than
+are those which our truck horses wear in midsummer with their ears
+sticking up through holes in the crown. As we drew near our destination
+I suddenly observed a smile breaking out on his lips, and a decided
+twinkle in his eye.</p>
+
+<p>"Good Lord!" said he. "I've only just realized that I have been talking
+you deaf, dumb, and blind for nearly twenty-four straight hours, without
+giving you a chance to slide in a word edge-wise. I hope I haven't made
+you think life's nothing but a hat to me?"</p>
+
+<p>"On the contrary," said I, "I've learned a lot. You've made life worth
+living."</p>
+
+<p>"I get so infernally interested in my business,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[162]</a></span> said he
+apologetically, "that sometimes I don't realize that maybe the other
+fellow has something to say too. I meant to have asked you this morning,
+but I forgot. What's your line?"</p>
+
+<p>I was seized with a jocular impulse, and I answered instantly "Natural
+gas."</p>
+
+<p>He looked at me with a puzzled expression. "Natural gas?" he repeated.
+"That's a queer business. How do you make deliveries?"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs17.jpg" width="339" height="500" alt="&quot;When he got through I could have qualified for a college
+degree on the subject of straw hats.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;When he got through I could have qualified for a college
+degree on the subject of straw hats.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Come around to the lecture hall with me to-night and I'll show you,"
+said I.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[163]</a></span>He
+threw his head back and roared with laughter. "By George!
+the dinner's on me!" he said.</p>
+
+<p>He accompanied me to the hall that evening, and sitting in the front row
+gazed at me quizzically all through my labors&mdash;full of sympathy and
+understanding, however&mdash;and after the affair was over and he joined me
+for my return journey to the hotel he slapped me hard on the back.</p>
+
+<p>"Some gas, all right!" said he. "I wouldn't blow that out if I could!"</p>
+
+<p>Which I took to be one of the most genuine compliments I have ever
+received.</p>
+
+<p>I have never in any of my trips felt myself in danger of assassination,
+and yet one of these chance acquaintances of mine involved me by his
+love of practical joking in an implied ultimatum from a stranger of a
+most awe-inspiring nature. In leaving a California city some years ago I
+found myself seated with a group of other travelers just inside the rear
+door of the observation car. The train had come to a sudden standstill
+alongside a row of flourishing olive trees, and the traveling man (if I
+remember correctly he was to Suspenders what Darwin was to the Origin of
+Species) jumped from the platform and plucked a handful of their<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[164]</a></span> fruit
+from branches overhanging the border of the road. Three of these he
+passed in to me, and in the innocence of my young heart I immediately
+plumped one of them into my mouth, and bit into it.</p>
+
+<p>The result I shall not attempt to describe. Our dictionaries have at
+least a dozen separate and distinct terms signifying that which is
+bitter, no single one of which is adequate even to intimate the taste of
+that olive. There are such expressions as "gall and wormwood"; there are
+adjectives involving such qualifications of taste as "acrid,"
+"nauseous," "sharp," "tangy," "stinging," "rough," and "gamy." None
+suffices. I have tasted rue, I have tasted aloes, I have tasted quassia,
+and I have nearly died of squills. As a small boy I once started in to
+chew a four-grain quinine pill that had been rolled with no ameliorating
+ingredient to take off the tang of it. But never in my life before or
+since have I tasted anything comparable to that olive for pure,
+unadulterated acerbity. It was an Ossa of Gall piled on a Pelion of
+Wormwood&mdash;I might say that it represented the complete reunion of that
+Gall which the historians of the past have told us<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[165]</a></span> was "divided into
+three parts"&mdash;and I suffered accordingly.</p>
+
+<p>But when I saw that traveling man's eye full of twinkling joy fixed upon
+me I resolved not to let him know that the horrid thing was not the most
+exquisite bit of ambrosial sweetness that had ever been perpetrated upon
+my paralyzed palate. I simply chewed quietly ahead, externally as calm
+and as placid as any cow that ever fletcherized her cud.</p>
+
+<p>"How is it?" asked another traveler, sitting alongside me.</p>
+
+<p>"Delicious!" said I. "Have one."</p>
+
+<p>And I handed him over one of my two remaining olives. He was as innocent
+as I, but not quite so self-controlled. Even as I had done, he too
+plumped the olive into his mouth, bit into it&mdash;and forthwith exploded. I
+shall not repeat here the appeal to Heaven that issued from his lips
+along with the offending olive itself. Suffice it to say that although
+there were several ladies present it was verbally adequate. And then out
+of the depths of the car, from a physical giant lolling at ease in a
+plush-covered arm chair, came a deep, basso-profundo voice.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[166]</a></span>"<i>I'd kill
+any man who did that to me!</i>" it said, with a vicious aspirate at the
+beginning of the word kill.</p>
+
+<p>But there was no murder done, and before night as our train rolled over
+into Nevada we were as happy a family as one will be likely to find
+under any kind of roof in the far-off days of the millennium.</p>
+
+<p>It is not often that we look for fine literary and other distinctions in
+the minds of men engaged in the humbler pursuits of life, and yet from
+two of my chance acquaintances en route, both barbers, I have gathered
+subtleties of line that have remained with me impressively ever since.
+The first of these worthy toilers and subconscious philosophers I
+discovered in a Chicago hotel in 1905. I was on my way into Iowa for a
+week of one-night stands, having come almost directly from one of the
+most delightful of my literary opportunities&mdash;Colonel George Harvey's
+dinner in honor of Mark Twain's seventieth birthday.</p>
+
+<p>The stains of travel needed to be removed, and I sought the aid of the
+hero of my tale, a stocky little chap, whose face suggested an ancestry
+part Spanish and part East Side New York. I will say<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[167]</a></span> that judged
+externally I should not have cared to meet him in a dark alley after
+midnight; but inwardly he turned out to be a pretty good sort of fellow.
+His speech was pure vernacular.</p>
+
+<p>As he was cutting my hair I glanced over the supplement to that week's
+issue of "Harper's Weekly," at that time under Harvey's control, devoted
+to a full account of the Mark Twain dinner both in picture and in text.
+In turning over the leaves to see what kind of melon-shaped head the
+flashlight photographer had given me I came upon the counterfeit
+presentment of the group of which I had been a member, and was relieved
+to find that the print had treated me fairly well, and that instead of
+looking like a cross between a professional gambler and a train robber,
+as most of my published portraits have made me appear, the thing was
+recognizable, and in certain unsuspecting quarters might enable me to
+pass as a reputable citizen. The snipping of the scissors back of my ear
+suddenly ceased as I gazed upon my alleged "liniments"&mdash;as an old friend
+of mine used to call them&mdash;and the barber's voice broke the stillness.</p>
+
+<p>"Say," he said, pointing with the scissors point<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[168]</a></span> to the portrait of
+myself, "that guy looks sump'n like you, don't he?"</p>
+
+<p>"He ought to," said I. "Me and him's the same guy."</p>
+
+<p>"Well whaddyer know about that!" he ejaculated. "Really?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yep," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"And you're from New York, eh?" he went on, resuming his labors. "What's
+the name?"</p>
+
+<p>I enlightened him, and received the inevitable question.</p>
+
+<p>"Whaddyer think of Chicago?"</p>
+
+<p>It had happened that every visit I had made to Chicago for several years
+had shown that city almost completely hidden beneath a pall of sooty
+cloud and lake fog; so I answered him accordingly.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, I like Chicago very much," said I, "very much indeed; but there is
+room for improvement here, of course. For instance, Chicago is dark, and
+gloomy, and cold. Now over in New York," I added, "we have a little
+round, yellow ball that is hauled up into the sky out of the wilds of
+Long Island every morning, and it is so arranged that it moves in a
+perfect semicircle through the sky at the rate of about sixty seconds a
+minute. It is a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[169]</a></span> wonderful invention. It sheds light on everything, on
+everybody, and sort of warms things up for us, and unlike most things in
+New York it doesn't cost anybody a cent. Best of all, when the day is
+over, and we want things darkened up a bit so that we can go to sleep,
+the little ball sinks out of sight over on the western side of the
+city."</p>
+
+<p>"Aw go wan!" he put in. "I know what you mean&mdash;you mean the sun."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said I; "that's just what we call it. You've evidently heard of
+it before&mdash;but why don't you have something of the kind out here?"</p>
+
+<p>His reply was a mixture of a snort and a sniff.</p>
+
+<p>I then went on my journey into Iowa, and at the end of about ten days
+was back in Chicago once more, and in need of further renovation I again
+sought the assistance of my tonsorial friend. After a cordial greeting
+he said:</p>
+
+<p>"Say&mdash;I told my wife how I'd fixed you up the other day, and <i>she'd
+heard of you before</i>. You wrote a book called 'Tea and Coffee' once,
+didn't cha?"</p>
+
+<p>"Something like that," I replied. "It was called 'Coffee and
+Repartee.'"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[170]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well, anyhow, whatever the thing was called, she'd read
+it," said the barber.</p>
+
+<p>"I have met two other people who have done the same thing and lived; so
+don't worry," I observed.</p>
+
+<p>"Whaddyer suppose she ast me?" he queried.</p>
+
+<p>"I give it up," said I. "What?"</p>
+
+<p>"She ast me," said he, "was you so very comical, and I told her no, <i>he
+ain't so damned comical, but he's a hell of a kidder</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>I may be wrong, but it has ever since seemed to me that there was a
+particularly nice distinction involved in this spontaneous estimate of
+my character, and it may be that a great many of our American humorists,
+so called, would be more aptly described as <i>kidders</i>. Our guying
+propensities, and the tongue-in-the-cheek style of humor so prevalent
+to-day, suggest the thought anyhow that the term <i>kidder</i> is more
+discriminating than that of <i>humorist</i>, as signifying the qualities of a
+Cervantes, a Rabelais, a Swift, or a Mark Twain.</p>
+
+<p>It was in a South Carolina barber shop that the second nicety came
+unexpectedly upon me. I had looked for a certain quaint philosophy and
+humor among the negroes of the South, and must confess to considerable
+disappointment in not finding much<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[171]</a></span> of it. The picturesque article in
+the African line that has so delighted us in the fiction of our masters
+of the pen from the South seems either to have vanished completely from
+the face of the earth or to be a trifle shy in the revelation of itself
+to outsiders. At any rate I found little of it in my wanderings in that
+territory; although a somewhat disagreeable amount of self-conscious
+quaintness, "for revenue only," was not wanting among negroes
+encountered.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs18.jpg" width="349" height="500" alt="&quot;She ast me was you so very comical,&quot; said he." title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;She ast me was you so very comical,&quot; said he.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>But this white barber, an anemic little man, whose lazy drawl and
+languid manner bespoke anything but independence of spirit, and in whose
+presence I instinctively thought of the term "white trash," gave me in
+full measure what I had looked for in the sons of Ham. After sitting in
+his chair<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[172]</a></span> for a few minutes I mentioned casually that South Carolina
+had a "fine Governor," referring to an individual named Blease, who at
+that time, occupied the high seat at Columbia, and of whose gyroscopic
+talents I had yet to find a South Carolinian of standing who was proud.</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't got no use fo' <i>Mistuh</i> Blease, suh," the man replied, stroking
+his razor up and down the strop with a vigor entirely out of keeping
+with his presumed character. If I had been a blind man, I should have
+felt sure he was a negro, such was his accent.</p>
+
+<p>"I am sorry to hear that," said I. "It would be pleasant to find
+somebody in the State who has some use for him; but so far it all seems
+to be the other way."</p>
+
+<p>"No, suh, I ain't got no use fo' him, suh," continued the barber. "I
+don't like his kind, suh. I have shaved <i>Mistuh</i> Blease many a time,
+suh, an' when he was runnin' fo' Governah he came in hyere most every
+day, suh. One mornin' I says to him, 'Mistuh Blease,' says I, 'you'd
+ought to be a mighty proud man, suh, runnin' fo' Governah of South
+Cyarolina, suh, an' sure to git it. That's an honah, suh,' I says, 'fo'
+yo' and yo' children<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[173]</a></span> and yo' children's children to be proud of.' And
+what do you suppose he answered, suh? 'To Blank with the honah!' says
+he. 'What the blank do yo' suppose I caiah fo' the honah?'</p>
+
+<p>"<i>And I've nuvver give him the honah, suh; no, suh.</i> <i>Mis</i>-tuh Blease
+done got elected, and I've shaved him twenty times since, suh; <i>but he's
+nuvver had the honah from me, suh. I've nuvver called him Governah yit,
+suh; but it's been Mistuh Blease every time, suh!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>It was when I was recovering from this loyal assertion of the little
+man's respect for the Commonwealth of his birth that the stillness of
+the shop was broken by the excited voice of a tall, lantern-jawed
+individual with a distinct type of accent, who came rushing in from the
+street.</p>
+
+<p>"Anybody round hyah knows what it costs to beat up a niggah in this hyah
+State?" he cried.</p>
+
+<p>I gasped, and the barber paused languidly in his ministrations, holding
+his razor poised like the sword of Damocles over my head, while he
+reflected.</p>
+
+<p>"Why," said he, "I dunno aigsactly; but the las' time the co'hts decided
+the question I think it was ten dollahs, suh."</p>
+
+<p>"All right," said the intruder, starting to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[174]</a></span> door. "If it don't come
+to no moh'n ten dollahs, I'll do it. Up home in Ferginia, where I come
+from, it never costs moh'n five; but I'm willin' to go as high as
+fifteen. A coon down hyah at my bohdin' house done give my wife some
+back talk this mornin', <i>an if it don't cost moh'n fifteen dollahs I'm
+gwine to throw the critter outen de winder</i>!"</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[175]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="X" id="X"></a>X</h2>
+
+<h3>HUMORS OF THE ROAD</h3>
+
+
+<p>It appears to be the habit of every age to lament its own dearth of
+humor, and in our own time we have not been exempt from the charge that
+we have no humorists. It is my own candid opinion in respect to this
+matter that we are confronted by a paradox in that we have so many
+humorists that in effect we seem to have none; so much of humor that in
+the very surfeit of it its brilliance does not appear; in short, that
+because of the trees we cannot see the wood.</p>
+
+<p>A period that has produced a Dooley, and an Ade, and an Irvin Cobb, and
+a Bert Leston Taylor, is surely not poor in humorous possessions of a
+scintillating character, whether we demand that our humor shall be a
+product of pure fun or of profoundly serious thinking. J. Montgomery
+Flagg in picture and in text is as much a master of effervescent foolery
+as ever was either John<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[176]</a></span> Ph&#339;nix or Artemas Ward; and in the humor that
+is designed to interpret life itself I find an endless store of it in
+the works of Wallace Irwin, of Montague Glass, of Miss Edna Ferber, and
+of Mrs. Alice Regan Rice; the last two, by the way, forming a complete
+refutation of the preposterous notion that women are devoid of the
+sentiment that cheers but does not inebriate. And as for the wits, if
+Oliver Herford were as lonely among wits as he is unique, I should still
+feel that we were rich beyond measure in that form of humor which is for
+the most part intellectual, of the mind rather than of the emotions.</p>
+
+<p>But even if the charge were true&mdash;which of course it is not&mdash;that we no
+longer have any purveyors of humor of the first class upon whom we may
+rely for a service as regular as is our supply of milk, butter, and
+eggs, we could still lay the flattering unction to our souls that
+American life is full of humor. If any one doubts the fact, let him
+throw himself headlong into the Lyceum Seas and find out from personal
+contact. To me it seems to crop up everywhere, and whether I travel
+north, south, east, or west I find it in great abundance&mdash;humor
+conscious, and humor unconscious;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[177]</a></span> humor of the mind, and humor of the
+heart, or pathos; humor of situation, and the humor involving a mere
+play upon words; humor in all its infinitely varied qualities, and of a
+character most appealing. Writing a short while ago of an alleged
+similar condition in another field of letters, that of lyric poetry, I
+permitted myself the following rather sentimental reflections:</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">No singers great are here to-day?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Perhaps! Let the indictment stand.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I hear no strong voice on the way,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">No lilt from some immortal hand;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And yet as on the silver mere</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">I float, and towering hillsides scan,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Deep in my heart I seem to hear</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Again the merry pipes of Pan.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">No lyrics worthy of the name</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Are sung to-day by living men?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Perhaps! Yet naught is there of shame</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">That we have not old Herrick's pen,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">For as I wander 'neath these skies</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">As fairly blue as skies can be</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And gaze into two special eyes,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">All life a lyric is to me.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>With equal truth and sincerity I could say much the same in respect to
+humor, and indeed I might properly even go further. I could not perhaps
+say that all Americans, or even many Americans,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[178]</a></span> are lyrists; but I
+should not fall far short of the mark were I to say that most Americans
+are humorists. In my travels I come across occasional "nonconductors,"
+as a clever woman of my acquaintance once called a certain social light
+who was as impervious to wit as is the rhinoceros to the sting of a
+gnat; but they are few and far between. For the most part I have found
+natural born humorists on nearly every bush.</p>
+
+<p>In a previous chapter I have confessed to some disappointment in the
+quality of the humor of the negro as I have encountered it in Southern
+climes; but there have been, nevertheless, delightful rifts in that
+cloud. I recall an aged son of Ethiopia who called for me one wintry
+morning at four o'clock to drive me from my hotel at Greenville, South
+Carolina, to the railway station. He was a ragged old fellow, and with
+his snowy, wool-covered head composed a study in black and white worthy
+of the brush of any of our best limners of character. He was as
+communicative as he was ragged, and confided to me at the very beginning
+of our acquaintance that he had moved away from Charleston to become a
+resident of Greenville because down in Charleston he couldn't eat
+"pohk"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[179]</a></span> (which I took to be pork) without having to take to his bed;
+while in the more salubrious climate of Greenville he could "swaller a
+whole ham at a settin', an' nebber hyear a woid from dat old ham
+forebber after." His name, he told me, was "mos' gin'rally George"; but
+he "warn't biggetty" about what people called him, since he was willin'
+to come "ef dey on'y jes' whistled."</p>
+
+<p>The early morning hours were cold and dreary, and I found my fur-lined
+horse blanket, as I have come to call my faithful winter overcoat, none
+too warm. Noting George's rather inadequate provision against the chill
+winds, I advised him to wrap his dilapidated old lap-robe about his
+shoulders.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah'm all right, Boss," he replied. "Don't yo' worry erbout me. Dis yere
+old obercoat o' mine ain't much to look at; but hit's on de job jes' de
+same." He gave a most amusing chuckle. "Yo'd ought to hyear mah fambly
+takin' on erbout dis yere old obercoat!" he said. "Dey's kind o' proudy
+folks, an' dey don't like it. Dey says hit don't look neat; but Ah tell
+'um Ah'm a gwine t' wear hit jes' de same, neat er no neat&mdash;<i>de
+undahtakah, he mek yo' look neat</i>!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[180]</a></span>From which I deduced that George
+was not only a humorist, but in a fair way to qualify as a philosopher
+as well.</p>
+
+<p>Two days later I happened to be at Atlanta, Georgia, over Lincoln's
+Birthday, and it pleased me beyond measure to find printed on the first
+page of one of the prominent daily newspapers of that beautiful city a
+three-column cut of Abraham Lincoln, with a suitable tribute in verse
+from one of America's leading syndicate poets. I had myself for reasons
+of taste, and in order to give no offense to my kindly hosts throughout
+the Southland, omitted from my discourse passing references to certain
+great figures of the Civil War; but on seeing this very notable
+recognition by his old-time adversaries of the great virtues of our
+martyred President, I hesitated no longer in respect to these
+references, and from that time on reverted to the original form of my
+talk.</p>
+
+<p>After eating my breakfast on this morning of the eleventh I dallied for
+awhile in the office of the massive Georgian Terrace Hotel, smoking my
+cigar, and glancing over the news in the paper. As I was about to toss
+the paper aside a fine old type of your Southern gentleman seated
+himself<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[181]</a></span> on the divan alongside of me, and in the usual courteous
+fashion of the country gave me a morning salutation. I responded in
+kind, and then tapping my paper observed:</p>
+
+<p>"That is a fine picture of Lincoln."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, suh, a verruh fine picture, suh," he replied. "I never had the
+honah of seein' Mistuh Lincoln, suh; but from all I hyear, suh, he must
+have resembled that picture pretty close, suh."</p>
+
+<p>"It is a delight to me to find it in one of your Southern newspapers,"
+said I, "especially in one so influential in the South as this."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, suh," he answered. "It shows that the South is not slow to
+recognize genius, suh, wherever it is found, suh. But," he added, "there
+is no occasion for surprise, suh. We have always appreciated Mr.
+Lincoln's greatness down hyear, and we have admiahed him, suh; <i>though
+we have had reason to believe that durin' the late onpleasantness, suh,
+he was consid'rable of a No'thern sympathizah, suh</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Conspicuous in my memory for both his conscious wit and his unconscious
+humor is a strapping negro I encountered at a junction down in Alabama
+last winter. I was marooned there for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[182]</a></span> five weary hours, receiving at
+the hands of its natives as high a courtesy and as fearful food as I
+have ever yet had presented to me. The colored porter at the hotel had a
+face as black as the ace of spades, and as childlike and bland as it was
+black. He seemed to take a tremendous interest in me, especially in my
+fur overcoat, which he appeared to think must "ha cost as much as eight
+dollahs," and he plied me with questions as we stood on the railway
+platform waiting for my train into Birmingham for a full hour that
+nearly drove me to despair. I have not space for that illuminating
+interchange of ideas in all its verbal fullness; but part of it ran in
+this wise:</p>
+
+<p>"Whar yo' come from?"</p>
+
+<p>"Maine," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Maine?" he repeated. "What's Maine?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Maine&mdash;Maine is a State," said I. "And it's a nice one too," I
+added.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yaas," he said. "Hit's ober yander, ain't it?" he continued, with a
+wave of his hand sweeping enough to take in the whole universe.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said I, "away over yonder. It's down East."</p>
+
+<p>"Got any children?" he queried.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[183]</a></span>"Yes,"
+said I, "I've got two sons in Detroit, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Dee-troit, eh?" he interrupted. "Yaas, suh, Ah've heerd o' Dee-troit.
+Dee-troit's a nice State too&mdash;a mighty nice State&mdash;a nice State to have
+two sons at, Ah reckon. So yo' was born in Dee-troit, was yuh?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," I replied, "I wasn't born at Detroit; I was born at Yonkers&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"O-o-oh! So yo' was born at Yonkers, was yuh? Yaas, suh&mdash;Yonkers! Ah
+don't know much erbout Yonkers; but Ah guess Yonkers is a nice State
+too, ain't it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I laughed, "yes&mdash;Yonkers is a pretty nice State too&mdash;what you
+might call a Comatose State; but&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yaas, suh&mdash;Ah've heern tell dat Yonkers was one o' dem cummytoe States,
+an' Ah guess dat's a pretty good kind ob a State to be bohn in. What yo'
+sellin'?" This with a hasty glance at my suitcase.</p>
+
+<p>"Brains," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Lawsy me! Sellin' brains, eh?" said he. "Waal, suh, Ah'm sorry. Yo'
+look so kind o' set up Ah thought yo' was a-sellin' seegyars.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[184]</a></span> Yaas,
+suh&mdash;Ah'd hoped yo' was." He gazed wistfully along the shining rails.
+"Dem seegyar drummahs is mighty free wid deir samples, suh," he
+continued, "and Ah been a hopin' yo'd be able to spar' me a han'ful like
+de res' ob 'em does. But ef yo're dealin' in brains, hit ain't <i>likely
+yo' got enough to gib any away</i>."</p>
+
+<p>I may add that his disappointment was short-lived; for before we parted
+I took him across to the general store that fronted on the railroad
+track, and by the judicious expenditure of a quarter bought him a supply
+of his favorite brand large enough to last him a week. A single one of
+them would have done for me forever.</p>
+
+<p>Repartee has always been a characteristic gift of the American people,
+due no doubt to a political system that turns almost every community
+into a debating society at least once a year, and sometimes oftener.
+Readiness of verbal retort has thereby become an inheritance that grows
+richer in the squandering of it. It has been a quality so conspicuous
+that it has led a great many people, justly or otherwise, to assert that
+there are more really good jokes to be found in the course of a year in
+the columns of the "Congressional Record"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[185]</a></span> than in the cleverest of the
+world's comic papers. However this may be, I know that one of the
+zestful things about a lecturer's life is the jestful thing that lurks
+at his side almost everywhere he turns.</p>
+
+<p>I have had many proofs of this in my own wanderings; some direct, and
+some at long range. An amusing instance of the long-range retort
+occurred some years ago when I found in my mail one morning a letter
+from a gentleman living in Wyoming, an entire stranger to me, who said
+that he had heard from a friend that I wrote after-dinner speeches for
+others as part of my professional work.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Somehow or other [he continued] I have managed to get a reputation
+as a wit which I don't deserve; but I've got to live up to it, or
+go under. Now it has occurred to me that since you are in the
+business of writing after-dinner speeches for others you might turn
+out three crackajacks for me.</p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs19.jpg" width="258" height="500" alt="&quot;If yo&#39;re dealin&#39; in brains, hit ain&#39;t likely yo&#39; got
+enough to gib any away.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;If yo&#39;re dealin&#39; in brains, hit ain&#39;t likely yo&#39; got
+enough to gib any away.&quot;</span>
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[186]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>So, without beating about the bush any longer, I want to ask you
+what you would charge me for three ripsnorters lasting about a half
+an hour each, speaking at the rate of a hundred and fifty words a
+minute, on the subjects of "Our Glorious Commonwealth," "The
+Star-Spangled Banner," and "The Ladies." If your terms are not too
+high, I shall be glad to give you the order.</p></div>
+
+<p>I cannot say whether my sensations upon reading this delightful
+communication were more of amazement or of amusement, but after due
+deliberation I decided to answer the letter in a facetious spirit.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>I have your esteemed favor of Thursday last [I wrote], and beg to
+say that my regular charge for a single speech such as you require,
+suitable for delivery before a mixed gathering of ladies and
+gentlemen, has invariably been $1,000 in the past; but since your
+proposition is more or less on a wholesale basis, and business is
+slack, I will make an exception in your case and give you the
+special terms of $750 per, <small>F. O. B.</small> I must insist, however, that
+you regard these terms as strictly confidential; for it might
+involve me in serious complications if Mr. Choate, and Gen. Horace
+Porter, and Senator Blank were to learn that I was cutting rates.
+They have been among my best customers for many years, and for
+their own sakes, as well as for my own, I do not wish to lose their
+trade.</p></div>
+
+<p>This letter, which I felt tolerably sure would end the matter once and
+for all, was mailed, and within a week brought me the following
+telegraphic response:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[187]</a></span></p>
+<div class="blockquot"><p><i>If you write Senator Blank's speeches, I don't want one from you
+at any price.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>It added not a little to the poignancy of this retort that the telegram
+was sent "collect."</p>
+
+<p>Another example of ready American facetiousness cheered a dull day for
+me last year in Tennessee. I was booked to lecture before a charming
+collegiate community at Blue Mountain, Mississippi, and to get there
+from Memphis was required to make a railway connection at a curious
+little town called Middleton. Middleton was an amazing concoction of
+piccaninnies, waste paper, inactive whites, and germ suggestion. Mr.
+Goldberg, the cartoonist, would probably have referred to it if he had
+been along with me as the town that put the Junk in Junction, and upon
+its dilapidated railway platform I was compelled to wait for six mortal
+hours, hungry and thirsty, but fearing to assuage the one or quench the
+other for fear of internal complications beyond the reach of medical
+science. If I had never believed in the hookworm before, I became an
+abject coward in the fear of it then.</p>
+
+<p>Middleton's chief excuse for being appeared to be that it was the
+terminus of a featherbed affair<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[188]</a></span> called the New Orleans, Mobile &amp;
+Chicago Railway, possibly in ironic reference to the fact that as far as
+I could learn it did not touch any point within two hundred miles of any
+one of those cities. I imagine that the mileage of the New Orleans,
+Mobile &amp; Chicago Railway, or at least that particular section of it, was
+somewhere between thirty-seven and thirty-eight miles linear measure;
+though in the matter of jolting, careening, sliding, skidding, and
+galumphing along generally, its emotional mileage was incalculable, and
+the effect of a ride from Middleton at one end to New Albany at the
+other on the liver surpassed that of all the great transcontinental
+systems rolled into one.</p>
+
+<p>From what I could gather in casual conversation with such bureaus of
+information as were available at Middleton its trains ran anywhere from
+twenty-seven hours to a year and six months late. I will say on behalf
+of its management, however, that after trying it once I concluded that
+it was a miracle it ran at all. Three or four times in the course of my
+waiting I decided to give up the quest of Blue Mountain altogether and
+to return to Memphis; but hope has always sprung eternal in my breast,
+and each resolution to quit the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[189]</a></span> game was superseded by some kind of
+optimistic spiritual reassurance that held me true to my obligations.</p>
+
+<p>Ultimately my optimism was justified, and a panting little combination
+of whirring wheels and iron rust wheezed into view, dragging a passenger
+car of I should say the vintage of 1852, and a shamefully big and modern
+freight car after it. A Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
+Locomotives would have had everybody connected with the institution
+indicted then and there, and I was again strongly inclined to give up my
+effort to get through. It seemed the very height of inhumanity to ask
+that poor little engine to carry my added weight. I should have much
+preferred to lift it tenderly in my arms from the track, and put it into
+the freight car, and pull the train to Blue Mountain myself; at any
+rate, that seemed the most reasonable and the only really kind thing to
+do at the moment.</p>
+
+<p>Nevertheless I boarded the train, having first invested fifty cents in
+twenty-fours' worth of postal card accident insurance at the ticket
+office window and mailed it to my executors. In a couple of hours we
+were sliding and bumping down grade<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[190]</a></span> through an oozy morass over tracks
+ballasted with something having the consistency of oatmeal mush
+liberally diluted with skim milk. We slid over the first half-mile in
+about fifteen seconds, thanks to the weight of that shameless freight
+car at the rear, which pushed the rest of us along at a terrific rate of
+speed; but things were averaged up when we came to an upgrade, which, on
+a rough estimate, I should say we accomplished at the rate of about a
+mile a week. After awhile the conductor appeared&mdash;a nice, genial, kindly
+soul, who inspired me with a confidence I had not yet managed to acquire
+in the road itself. He was so smiling and serenely unaffected by what
+loomed dark as dangers to me that I was soon feeling rather ashamed of
+myself for being so full of coward fears, and it was not long before in
+my mind I was singing those beautiful lines of Browning:</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The year's at the spring,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">And day's at the morn;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Morning's at seven;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The hillside's dew-pearled;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The lark's on the wing;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">The snail's on the thorn;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">God's in his heaven&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">All's right with the world!</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>And as I was humming this comforting assurance<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[191]</a></span> to myself there broke
+upon the silence of the car the following colloquy:</p>
+
+<p>"Howdy, Sam!" this from a fellow traveler sprawled comfortably in the
+seat just back of me.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs20.jpg" width="388" height="500" alt="&quot;A Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Locomotives
+would have had them indicted then and there.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;A Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Locomotives
+would have had them indicted then and there.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Howdy, Jim!" this from the smiling conductor.</p>
+
+<p>"How long you been with this hyere road, Sam?" asked the fellow
+traveler.</p>
+
+<p>"Seven years last March, Jim," replied the conductor.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>My Gord, Sam!</i>" cried the fellow traveler,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[192]</a></span> sitting up. "<i>This must be
+your second trip!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>As for subtle humor of a rather sly sort, perhaps the best example I
+know of was a little jest perpetrated at the expense of one to whom I
+shall refer as my Only Muse, who, I rejoice to say, accompanies me upon
+most of my trips. She was with me once in Iowa when we were stranded at
+an interesting little railway crossing for several hours. The place
+consisted wholly of some stock-yards, a general store, and a small
+wooden cot which passed for a hotel, in which we found every comfort
+that courtesy could provide, even if some of the rather material
+necessities of life were lacking.</p>
+
+<p>We took dinner at the hotel. Seated opposite us at table were two
+farmers, one a handsome middle-aged man, and the other a man wizened and
+gray, with a weather-beaten face, and a kindly eye; seventy years old, I
+imagine, but still as active and as interested in life as a boy, as all
+Iowans, irrespective of foolish years, seem to be. One or two little
+courtesies of the table started an acquaintance, and naturally enough I
+was asked my business in the State.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I am out here lecturing," I said.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[193]</a></span> "Well, we're farmers," said the
+old man.</p>
+
+<p>Now the Only Muse takes a great interest in farming. She raises herself
+most of the vegetables we consume at home, and one of my ambitions has
+always been to set her up as the presiding Deity over a real farm some
+day when the lure of the platform no longer operates to drag me off into
+distant scenes. She had taken a course of lectures on farming at
+Columbia University, and was enthusiastically full of the subject at the
+time. Wherefore it happened that when my vis-&agrave;-vis announced that he was
+a farmer it was the best kind of opening for the conversational powers
+of the Only Muse&mdash;which to say the least are generally adequate&mdash;and she
+made the most of it. She talked of apples, corn, cows, and bees. She
+dilated eloquently upon the value of persistent "cultivation," and as I
+sat listening admiringly to her evidently masterful handling of her
+varied subjects I suddenly became conscious of the old man's eye
+twinkling across the table at me, and then, as the Only Muse paused to
+catch her breath for further disquisition, he leaned forward, and with
+seemingly innocent curiosity asked:</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Which one o' ye does the lecturin'?</i>"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[194]</a></span>I
+trust that the outburst of
+merriment that greeted his query conveyed to his mind with perfect
+clarity the fact that there are no professional jealousies in my
+household.</p>
+
+<p>At any rate this, with the wonderfully witty response of a distinguished
+railway president to certain reflections I had made in an after-dinner
+speech on his road, appeals to me as one of the most delicately subtle
+bits of wit I have encountered anywhere in real life&mdash;which life on the
+road undoubtedly is.</p>
+
+<p>That the reader may judge for himself if the railway president was
+wittier than the Iowa farmer or not, I will close this chapter with a
+short narration of that incident.</p>
+
+<p>The gentleman in question was Daniel Willard, president of the Baltimore
+&amp; Ohio, who on an occasion in New York listened courteously to some
+facetious observations I had to make on the subject of the wonders of
+the B. &amp; O., and two days later heaped coals of fire upon my head by
+sending me by mail a pass over his railroad. I was of course delighted;
+but before using it decided to read carefully the "conditions and
+limitations named on the reverse side," under which it was issued.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[195]</a></span> I
+turned the treasure over and read the following:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>This pass will be accepted for transportation WHEN ACCOMPANIED BY
+CERTIFICATE of Company's Agent, attested by office-stamp, that the
+bearer has presented evidence of being HOPELESSLY INDIGENT,
+DESTITUTE, AND HOMELESS, or an INMATE OF A CHARITABLE OR
+ELEEMOSYNARY INSTITUTION, a SOLDIER or SAILOR about to enter either
+a NATIONAL HOME or "A HOUSE BOAT ON THE STYX," or otherwise
+qualified as entitled to free transportation under Federal or State
+Laws.</p></div>
+
+<p>I do not remember whether or not I ever thanked Mr. Willard for this
+courtesy; but if I did not I do so now, and beg to assure him that I
+would not exchange that little document to-day for a controlling
+interest in his road. I am not much of a business man, but I have a keen
+sense of relative values.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[196]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="XI" id="XI"></a>XI</h2>
+
+<h3>MINE HOST</h3>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Whoe'er has traveled life's dull round,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Where'er his stages may have been,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">May sigh to think he still has found</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">The warmest welcome at an inn.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>So wrote William Shenstone, a minor poet of England in those brilliant
+days that produced Addison, and Swift, and Richard Steele, and our own
+great philosopher and humorist Benjamin Franklin. I used formerly to
+sympathize deeply with the poet's sentiment, so charmingly expressed,
+and in a certain way I do so still; but in the last decade, involving so
+much wandering, and so many inns of varied degrees of excellence, I have
+found that my sympathy with Shenstone's thought has undergone
+considerable modification. I should indeed sigh to think that I had
+found my warmest welcome at an inn; but I should hesitate to indorse any
+sentiment that would seem to underestimate the value of the
+whole-souled, genial<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[197]</a></span> character of Mine Host, as I have encountered him
+in all parts of the United States.</p>
+
+<p>While I cannot truthfully say that I think we Americans have a genius
+for hotel management, such as our cousins of Switzerland, for instance,
+appear to have, I can at least say that I believe we have a natural
+aptitude for a peculiarly delightful kind of spontaneous hospitality, of
+which I have been for years the grateful beneficiary. If a hotel were a
+thing of the spirit solely, I should say that the hostelries of the
+United States, taking them by and large, approximate perfection; but
+unfortunately one cannot impart tenderness to a steak with cordial
+smiles, freshness to an egg with a twinkling eye, or the essential
+properties of coffee to a boiled bean with a pleasant word; and if in
+the South and Middle West it were possible to sweep a room clean with a
+welcoming wave of the hand, and to set a mobilized entomology in full
+retreat with the fervor of an advance in friendliness, I should not
+think so often, perhaps, upon the possible duties of local Boards of
+Health in respect to the American hotel situation.</p>
+
+<p>I hasten to add, however, that this situation, hopeless as it at times
+appears to be, brings forcibly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[198]</a></span> to my mind that ancient chestnut set
+forth in the sign in the Far Western church&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="center">DON'T SHOOT THE ORGANIST:<br />
+HE IS DOING THE BEST HE CAN&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>for I verily believe that in nine cases out of ten the landlords of the
+nation are in point of fact doing the "best they can," and in many
+instances in the face of heart-breaking discouragement. They are
+themselves quite aware of their deficiencies, as was once clearly
+established in the inscription I saw in front of an Oklahoma caravansary
+as I passed through on the Katy-Flyer, to the following effect:</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+THE SALT AND TOOTHPICKS SERVED AT THE<br />
+SAINT JAMES ARE AS GOOD AS THOSE<br />
+AT ANY HOTEL IN AMERICA</p>
+
+<p>Our American communities, unfortunately, have not yet awakened to the
+economic fact that a good hotel is about as valuable an asset as a town
+can have. An enterprise that might very properly, and for the general
+good, be subsidized by the Board of Trade, or even by the town itself,
+is left to private initiative; usually with barren, if not bankrupting,
+results.</p>
+
+<p>New England is slowly awakening to this need,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[199]</a></span> and within the last few
+years a number of fine hostelries have been established, with the
+backing of real civic interest, and under trained management; but very
+few of even the most progressive Western and Southern Communities seem
+as yet to have taken so vital a matter into consideration. They have
+good will and courtesy enough among them to run a thousand highly
+acceptable caravansaries, and I have sometimes wished that some of their
+individual qualities might in some way be engrafted upon our more
+sumptuous Eastern hotels, where one is able to get anything one is
+willing to pay for, except the feeling that somebody somewhere in the
+hotel is glad he came.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs21.jpg" width="302" height="500" alt="&quot;If it were possible to sweep a room clean with a
+welcoming wave of the hand&mdash;&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;If it were possible to sweep a room clean with a
+welcoming wave of the hand&mdash;&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I do not know how many thousand library<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[200]</a></span> buildings our great Ironmaster
+has caused to be built in this country&mdash;and we who write books have
+cause to be grateful to him for having provided such rarely beautiful
+mausoleums for the final interment of our cherished productions&mdash;but I
+have often wished that his generous pursestrings had been loosened on
+behalf of hospitality, rather than exclusively for the perpetuation of
+current fiction and books of reference that nobody ever uses. Before the
+trusts are finally curbed I hope that one or two more swollen fortunes
+may be produced, and that the owners thereof may be inspired to carry
+the light of living into communities in need of something of the sort,
+by building hotels for them, in which clean rooms suitably aired, and
+good food properly cooked, may be provided for those who have to travel,
+and are so constituted that they cannot eat poetry, nor sleep
+comfortably between the sheets of the lamented William James's
+incursions into pragmatic philosophy, dry as they unquestionably are.</p>
+
+<p>How next to impossible it is for our good landlords in certain sections
+of the land to conduct their business profitably was once brought to my
+attention by a little incident in a town not many<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[201]</a></span> leagues from Atlanta,
+Georgia. I found myself seated one evening at table opposite a traveling
+man of most marvelous gastronomic fortitude. For his supper he ordered
+cereal and cream, two fried eggs "done on both sides," some bacon, "a
+little of that steak," German fried potatoes, some baked beans, a bit of
+kippered herring, milk toast, preserved peaches, hot biscuit, sponge
+cake, and a cup of coffee. After the commissariat had responded
+faithfully, and the table had been duly decorated with the serried ranks
+of "bird-bath" dishes containing the bulk of the enumerated edibles, a
+third party arrived, and an old friendship between himself and my
+vis-&agrave;-vis was renewed.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Tommy, old man, it's ninety-seven moons since I saw you last!
+How's things?" said the newcomer.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh&mdash;pretty good," said my vis-&agrave;-vis wearily. "Business is good enough;
+but I <i>ain't feelin' very well myself</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"What's the trouble&mdash;caught cold?" asked the newcomer.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said the other. "I'm just feelin' sort o' mean&mdash;<i>my stummick don't
+seem just right. I guess I been workin' too hard</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[202]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"You'd ought to eat milk toast," said the new arrival.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Tommy. "<i>I've ordered some.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>At this point the waitress came up for the newcomer's order.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm too tired to order, Jennie," said he. "Just you bring me the same
+as he has, and see that the buckwheats are hot."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Gee! Buckwheats!</i>" cried Tommy. "<i>I didn't know there was
+buckwheats&mdash;bring me a stack of 'em too, Jennie!</i>"</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs22.jpg" width="500" height="372" alt="&quot;Cannot sleep comfortably between the sheets of William
+James&#39;s pragmatic philosophy, dry as they are.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;Cannot sleep comfortably between the sheets of William
+James&#39;s pragmatic philosophy, dry as they are.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>And all of this was on the American plan, at the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[203]</a></span> rate of two dollars
+for three meals and a night's lodging! I am afraid my friend of the
+uncertain digestive organs belonged to the same gastronomic school as a
+famous war correspondent I met at my club many years ago. He was an
+Englishman, and was delightfully enthusiastic about everything he had
+found in America except our hotels.</p>
+
+<p>"And even they wouldn't be so bad," said he, "if it wasn't for that
+beastly American plan upon which they're run. Why, out in San Francisco
+I actually had to eat and eat and eat until I was positively ill, to get
+ahead of the game!"</p>
+
+<p>Traveling Americans are inclined to criticize the hotels of foreign
+countries for their lack of bathroom facilities, and I recall an
+occasion in Rome some years ago when I found the act of taking a dip in
+the one bathroom the hotel provided almost as formal a function as a
+presentation at the Vatican, involving a series of escorts from my room
+to the dark little hole on an upper floor where the tub was kept, far
+greater in number than those involved in my progress from the American
+college to the papal presence.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed, the only occasion I can recall when in a foreign country I was
+able to get a bath without<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[204]</a></span> encountering all sorts of obstacles was also
+in Rome, four years ago, when I endeavored to order a bottle of mineral
+water in my choicest Italian, and got a bath instead, the whiskered male
+chambermaid of whom I ordered it having little familiarity with his own
+tongue as "she was spoke" by an American.</p>
+
+<p>But precisely similar conditions exist in this country. An eminent
+singer in one of his famous poems lamented the difficulty of getting the
+Time, the Place, and the Girl together; but if he had ever gone on the
+Chautauqua circuit in this land I fear he would have written also of the
+well nigh impossible operation of getting the Time, the Place, and the
+Tub together; and I may add that I wish a law might be passed requiring
+hotels that do provide bathing facilities to supply also at least one
+towel that is visible to the naked eye.</p>
+
+<p>The story of the man who asked an Indiana hotel clerk to "give" him "a
+room and a bath," to be greeted by the instant response, "<i>We'll give
+you the room; but you'll have to wash yourself</i>," contains quite as much
+truth as humor. I had to forego my dip in a Southern hotel on one
+morning because "<i>the last feller that took a bath<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[205]</a></span> here run off with
+the key to the door</i>," and then on the following morning when the
+bathroom door had been forced open I found the tub constructed of tiles,
+with a lush growth of morning glory vines sprouting up between them.
+When in an Ohio hotel several years ago, having insisted upon a room
+with a bath, I found the latter in a dark cubbyhole whose doors and
+windows had evidently not been opened for months. Atmospherically
+speaking, the Black Hole of Calcutta was a thing of sweetness and light
+compared to it. Nearly suffocated, I struggled with the frosted-glass
+window at one side of the cell for several minutes, and finally with a
+supreme effort got it up: only to find that it <i>opened on an inner
+corridor of the hotel</i>.</p>
+
+<p>And be it recorded that the heating facilities are quite on a par with
+these. The heating apparatus of most hotels is either missing
+altogether, or terrifying in character. The latter sort is especially in
+evidence in the natural gas regions, where that useful commodity is used
+with an airy carelessness that inspires dreadful forebodings.</p>
+
+<p>I shall never forget my first introduction to natural gas as a heating
+proposition. It was in an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[206]</a></span> historic edifice in Ohio, which I shall not
+name; for it has already been sufficiently advertised by its "loving
+friends." Suffice it to say that by some strange oversight of Nature it
+still stands. To get to my room, in the first place I was compelled to
+rise several flights in an elevator whose lift was as uncertain as its
+years, and then with the aid of a hallboy to thread an intricate maze of
+interlocking corridors alongside of which the Dedalian Labyrinth was
+simplicity itself. Arrived finally in the room assigned to me, I found
+it dark, damp, and cold.</p>
+
+<p>"How about a little heat here, Son?" said I, appealing to the hallboy.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure!" said he.</p>
+
+<p>The boy faded into the gloom of the far end of the room, leaned over,
+and tugged away vigorously for a few moments on a screw in the
+baseboard, and then standing back about two feet he began to bombard the
+wall with lighted matches&mdash;the kind which light only on the seat of a
+bellboy's trousers. I shall not attempt to say how many of these he lit
+and threw at the wall before anything happened. It seemed to be an
+appalling number, and considering the manifest inflammability of the
+building,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[207]</a></span> and the height of my room from the ground, it made me very
+nervous.</p>
+
+<p>"What the dickens are you doing?" said I.</p>
+
+<p>But there was neither time nor need for his answer. One well projected
+match seemed to hit the particular bullseye he was aiming at. There came
+a boom and a flash, and in a second I saw a half-dozen sizable flames
+creeping upward from the floor to a point about breast high on the wall,
+where by some strange miracle the conflagration stopped.</p>
+
+<p>"Nacheril gas!" said the boy, with a grin, as he departed.</p>
+
+<p>It had been my intention to remain overnight in that city; but when I
+realized that that same process was probably going on in at least a
+dozen other apartments, above, beside, and below me, I suddenly decided
+to return to New York on the night train. I will take my chances on the
+future life; but while I live, breathe, and have my being upon this
+terrestrial orb I believe in getting fire risks down to their lowest
+reducible minimum by adopting a policy of complete avoidance.</p>
+
+<p>Our clever newspaper humorists have made a good deal of capital out of
+the haughty hotel clerk<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[208]</a></span> with the diamond stud; but I must confess that
+I have never yet encountered this individual in the wide swath of my
+wanderings. Save in one or two places, I have found on the contrary a
+genial solicitude for my welfare, wholly undecorated as to
+shirt-front&mdash;often indeed without the shirt-front itself&mdash;which has more
+than offset such shortcomings as were characteristic of the inns over
+whose desks they presided.</p>
+
+<p>On one occasion in Indianapolis I encountered what seemed at first to be
+a heartless lack of appreciation and cordial recognition on my arrival;
+but it was more than compensated for in the end, and I should add was
+rather the result of a too high expectation on my own part than the
+fault of the man behind the register. I had long wished to visit
+Indianapolis, largely because of its national reputation as a literary
+center. A State that has produced so many authors of high distinction as
+have come out of Indiana, with her General Lew Wallace, her James
+Whitcomb Riley, Charles Major, Meredith Nicholson, George Ade, Booth
+Tarkington, and those two purveyors of wholesome fiction and good, clean
+humor, the McCutcheon brothers, is entitled to some of the laureled<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[209]</a></span>
+interest of a literary Mecca, and I registered at the Claypool in my
+boldest hand, quietly and confidently expecting some immediate
+recognition, such as a not altogether unknown worker on the slopes of
+Parnassus might expect to receive on arriving at Olympus.</p>
+
+<p>The room clerk whisked the register round and studied the inscription
+for a moment. "What's that&mdash;Boggs?" he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said I, my crest falling a bit, "Bangs&mdash;John Ken&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," said he, bringing his hand down heavily on the bell. "Front, show
+this gentleman to number three hundred and nine."</p>
+
+<p>He tossed a key to the bellboy, which the latter caught with the
+dexterity of a Buck Ewing, the prize catcher in the ball games of my
+young manhood, and holding my diminished head as high as I could I
+followed him to the elevator, devoutly wishing that Riley or Ade might
+happen in and fall upon my neck, and show that low-browed room clerk a
+thing or two he wouldn't forget in a hurry.</p>
+
+<p>And then came a sort of <i>amende honorable</i>. Scarcely had I got settled
+in number three hundred and nine when a second bellboy arrived, bearing
+a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[210]</a></span> note addressed to "Mr. John Henry Banks," neatly typewritten, and
+reading as follows:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;If you wish a table for the display of your samples and
+a plug key for the protection of the same, please apply at the
+office.</p>
+
+<p style='text-align: right'>Respectfully, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;
+<span class="smcap">The Claypool.</span></p></div>
+
+<p>It was a salutary experience, and in my subsequent visits to the Athens
+of America I have approached it in an appropriate spirit of humility and
+respect. And philosophically I have tried to comfort myself with the
+thought that after all it would not be very surprising if a scuttleful
+of coal arriving at Newcastle were to find its coming a matter of small
+importance to those good people who dig that useful commodity out of the
+bowels of the earth at the rate of ten carloads a minute. Why should a
+mere writer of books arriving at Indianapolis expect to create any
+special commotion, when it is a well known fact that you could not
+possibly heave a brick in any direction in that charming city without
+hitting an author?</p>
+
+<p>I think that for sheer originality in his craft, as well as for his
+human interest, I must award the palm among innkeepers I have met to a
+vigorous old fellow who either ran, or was run by, a hotel I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[211]</a></span> once
+visited in South Dakota. He was known to most people as "Conk": not
+because of the rather hard shell one had to penetrate to get at him, but
+because it was the first syllable of his last name.</p>
+
+<p>His hotel was a two-story brick structure, sadly in need of a Noachian
+Deluge for its preliminary renovation, and built upon the pleasing lines
+of an infant penitentiary. This illusion was faithfully carried out by
+the rooms within, which had many of the physical qualities of the cells
+of commerce. The hotel had a dining room; but Conk had given up serving
+meals therein, and had also as far as I could observe abandoned
+everything else in the way of service as well.</p>
+
+<p>My Muse and I arrived several hours before dawn, and after wandering
+hand in hand for twenty or thirty minutes along invisible highways
+reached the edifice. We registered, and were ushered to a pigeonhole on
+the second tier by a large, yellow-haired youth, who was trying to keep
+awake and mop up the office floor simultaneously, succeeding only
+indifferently in both operations. The particular cell set apart for our
+accommodation was lit by a half-candlepower bulb with a pronounced
+flicker, which shed a dim, religious<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[212]</a></span> light upon a walled-in space about
+ten feet square. In this there was a double bed, a nondescript piece of
+furniture which suggested a collision between a washstand and a bureau,
+a rocking chair that refused to rock, and a cane-bottomed arrangement of
+perilous spindles that wouldn't do anything else. After I had disposed
+of our two suitcases and my typewriting machine the only solution of
+another difficulty that immediately arose was to leave our feet out in
+the hall.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as I noted the rather limited character of our accommodations I
+repaired below, to see if there was not available something a trifle
+more roomy: to find only the satisfaction involved in the contemplation
+of the tow-headed six-footer lying asleep on a bench exchanging dreamy
+nothings with his mop, which he held hugged tight to his breast. With
+persistent effort I might have awakened the mop; but the tow-headed
+youth was too far gone into the land of dreams to be recalled by
+anything short of a universal cataclysm. I therefore crept sadly up the
+stairs to our cell, and we reclined on the double bed until dawn, at
+which time the merciful providence of the half-candlepower bulb was
+completely revealed unto us; for if we had been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[213]</a></span> able to see that bed in
+its dim light no power on earth, not all the mobilized armies of the
+world could have induced us to lie down upon it.</p>
+
+<p>An hour later we breakfasted on ham and eggs at a stand-up all-night
+lunch counter which we located after much wandering, and then, returning
+to the hotel, Brother Conk in all his muscular majesty dawned upon the
+horizon of my life. I can best describe him by saying that whatever he
+might do in action, a camera fiend would have found in him a perfect
+model for a snapshot of the long-looked-for White Hope. He was huge and
+indescribably red. His name should have been Rufus, and the hand of Esau
+was a smoothly shaven thing alongside of the Conkian fist. He had a
+penetrating, yet rolling eye that would have subjugated a Kaiser with a
+single glance. He was scrutinizing his fingernails as we entered his
+presence, and in view of my supreme ambition to remain a hero always in
+the eyes of my Muse I saw her safely deposited in our hermetically
+sealed receiving vault above before venturing to address the gentleman.
+This done, I started in to pay my respects to Mine Host.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't suppose you could let us have a larger<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[214]</a></span> room," said I
+tentatively, my words coming with a husky falter.</p>
+
+<p>"I dunno what room ya got," was the gruff response, one of the rolling
+eyes settling full upon both of mine.</p>
+
+<p>"We're in nun-number thirty-two," I ventured meekly.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, thirty-three's an inch and a half wider," said he, biting off a
+hang nail. "Ya can move inta that if ya wanta."</p>
+
+<p>It hardly seemed worth while, and considering that in respect to matters
+other than its size, or lack of it, we already knew the worst as to
+thirty-two, we left thirty-three unvisited on the principle that</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">&mdash;makes us rather bear those ills we have</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Than fly to others that we know not of.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>There were enough wings loose in number thirty-two to enable us to fly
+anywhere on the face of the earth; but we decided not to avail ourselves
+of them.</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind, my dear," said I. "Sufferance is the badge of all our
+tribe."</p>
+
+<p>And the Only Muse merely laughed, and with feminine exaggeration
+comforted me with the assurance<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[215]</a></span> that "it might be worse." I suppose it
+might have been; though I don't know how. Anyhow I sat down on the
+rockless rocker, drew an overdraft on the bank of cheer, and proceeded
+to read aloud that fine story of Fiona Macleod's about the good old
+North Countryman who every morning walked out upon his breezy headland
+and "took off his hat to the beauty of the world."</p>
+
+<p>Later in the day the chairman of the lecture committee called to pay his
+respects, and in the course of our conversation I told him of my
+experience with Conk.</p>
+
+<p>"I congratulate you most heartily," said he, laughing. "You came off
+rather better than an exchange professor from Germany who came out here
+last year to give a course of lectures at our agricultural college. He
+asked Conk in his pleasant German way for more spacious quarters, and
+Conk's answer was, '<i>Sure I can give ya more space</i>.' And taking the
+professor's suitcase in one hand, and the professor in the other, he
+rushed them both to the front door, threw the suitcase out into the
+street, and, pushing the professor gently out after it, remarked,
+'<i>There&mdash;I guess there's room, enough for ya out there</i>.'"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[216]</a></span>Whether the
+chairman was a mind reader or not I do not know; but I do know that in
+response to my telepathic calls for help he turned to the Only Muse and
+suggested that in view of certain possibilities which might incapacitate
+me from filling my engagement at the lecture hall that night we had much
+better move over to his house, where we would find a warm welcome.</p>
+
+<p>"That's fine!" said I, rising with alacrity. "Just you take her over
+with you now, and I'll see Conk, and pay my bill, and come over as soon
+as I can with our luggage."</p>
+
+<p>The plan was promptly carried out, and after seeing the Only Muse safely
+on her way to other quarters I went to number thirty-two, gathered up
+our traps, and with trepidation in my soul approached the landlord. This
+time I found him sitting in the office, before the window, staring
+Nature out of countenance.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mr. Landlord," I said, as affably as I knew how, "I&mdash;I've come
+to&mdash;to settle up. It seems we were expected to stay with Dr. and Mrs.
+Soandso. We&mdash;er&mdash;we didn't know it when we arrived&mdash;and I&mdash;I'm sorry to
+leave you; but&mdash;er&mdash;but of course&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[217]</a></span>"<i>Thank God!</i>" the landlord
+returned explosively, rising and seizing my hand in a viselike grip that
+even to remember two years later causes me anguish. "That's the first
+good news I've had to-day. I been running this blankety blank blank
+joint for seven years now, and it's cost me over thirty thousand dollars
+already, and every time I see a blinkety blank blank boarder come in
+through that front door it makes me so dashed sick that I feel like
+nailin' the blankety blank door up so tight old Beelzybub himself'd have
+to come down through the chimbley to get inside!"</p>
+
+<p>It was at this point that Conk and I parted company at the beginning of
+what I am inclined to think might have ripened into a lifelong
+friendship. <i>I had got his point of view!</i> Strange as his conception of
+hospitality seemed superficially to be, there was reason in him, and I
+began to perceive that he had some mighty good points. Frankness was one
+of them, and gratitude, and one of the incidents of his career as
+narrated to me later by one of his neighbors was convincing proof that,
+in sporting parlance, the old fellow was a good loser.</p>
+
+<p>It seems that a certain traveling man of great<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[218]</a></span> nerve force stopped
+overnight some years ago with Conk, probably occupying number
+thirty-two. It was a fearfully hot night, and the room became unbearably
+stuffy. For a long time the suffering guest strove to open the window,
+but without results. Prayer, condemnation, muscular force, all alike
+were powerless to move it. Finally in desperation the unhappy visitor
+threw on his dressing robe, and stalked down to the office to make
+complaint.</p>
+
+<p>"It's hotter than Tophet in that room of mine," he protested, "and I've
+been monkeying with that dod-gasted window of yours for the last hour,
+and the dinged thing won't give an inch!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if ya can't move it, why in Dothan dontcha kick it out?" retorted
+Conk coldly.</p>
+
+<p>"All right, I will," said the guest, returning to the furnace above.</p>
+
+<p>And he did. Glass, frame, and sash were kicked with all the power of an
+angry man into a mass of wreckage never again to be redeemed.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said the guest the following morning, as he started to leave for
+the station, "what's the tax? What do I owe you?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Not a blamed cent!</i>" gruffed Conk. "You're<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[219]</a></span> the first son of a sea
+cook that's ever had the nerve to call my bluff, and <i>by Henry you don't
+pay a nickel into my till except over my dead body</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>If I have seemed in any wise severe in my treatment of Conk in this
+tribute to his memory, I am sorry. The material facts could hardly be
+glossed over; but as for the man himself I am truly glad to have met
+him. I wouldn't have missed him for a farm. He was not much of a
+Chesterfield; but he had his own ways, and they gave me a thrill. The
+joyous, almost grateful courtesy with which he put me out of his front
+door was a thing to remember, and I in turn am everlastingly grateful to
+him for letting me out on the ground floor instead of seizing me by the
+left leg and dragging me up through the skylight, and throwing me off
+the roof. He could have done it easily, and I am sure it was only the
+intrinsic, if considerably latent, nobility of his soul that restrained
+the impulse to do so that I am confident he felt.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[220]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="XII" id="XII"></a>XII</h2>
+
+<h3>PERILS OF THE PLATFORM</h3>
+
+
+<p>"Yours must be an extra hazardous occupation," said a chance
+acquaintance on a little trip through Ohio last year. "Do you carry any
+insurance?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said I. "I have an excellent accident insurance policy, and it is
+a great comfort. Sometimes on dark nights when I am suddenly awakened by
+some catastrophic quivering of my berth, as if a young earthquake had
+come aboard, and realize that the train has probably left the track, and
+is traveling ahead at a mile-a-minute clip over the rocky bed of some
+mountain stream, it is a real pleasure to me to foot up the sum total of
+the affluence that will be mine if we fail to strike a switch somewhere
+that will get us back on the main line again."</p>
+
+<p>"Affluence is good," said he; "but it won't be yours&mdash;not if you break
+your neck."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[221]</a></span>"Oh, I never think of that," said I. "I think only of the
+possibility of injuries, and from that point of view the accident
+insurance policy is a joy forever. It makes you think so well of
+yourself, and as you lie off in your berth figuring on two legs and a
+couple of arms at five thousand dollars apiece, twenty toes and fingers
+at two hundred and fifty a digit, with your neck valued at twenty-five
+thousand dollars, you begin to feel that a man isn't such a worthless
+creature after all. I suppose even my nose is worth something."</p>
+
+<p>"Great Scott!" he ejaculated. "Do toes and fingers come as high as
+that?"</p>
+
+<p>"They do," said I. "I've carried a policy assuring me a market for them
+at that rate for the last five years, and if I lose them in a railway
+smash-up, in a taxicab, in a trolley, or in a public elevator somewhere,
+the quotation doubles. Under certain contingencies my fingers and toes
+have a market value of ten thousand dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"Heavens!" he cried. "<i>Have you ever had any luck?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>From his point of view I presume I have not had any "luck"; but I am
+content, satisfied, and even grateful that so far the exigencies of
+travel have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[222]</a></span> not required me to collect anything on my policy, or
+compelled me to sacrifice any of my digital collateral even at what seem
+to be par or premium prices.</p>
+
+<p>But my friend was not altogether wrong in regarding the occupation of an
+itinerant lyceumite as a hazardous one. If one were to conjure up a
+picture of the gods of evil shooting darts at human targets, one might
+think that, a moving object being harder to hit than one that is
+definitely fixed, the former would prove a better risk than the latter;
+but it is one of the paradoxes of life that this is not the case, unless
+of course the sniping fates are better sharpshooters than professional
+artillerists.</p>
+
+<p>The possibilities of accident to one who is constantly moving from
+pillar to post on American railways, many of them starved to death in
+the name of Progress, and unable to maintain an equipment that is even
+moderately safe; on steamboat lines many of whose vessels are little
+more than resin-soaked tinderboxes, over-crowded with pipe and cigarette
+smokers, and speeding through fog-bound waters at night as though the
+Evil One himself were just astern in pursuit of the Captain;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[223]</a></span> sleeping
+in hotels constructed of Georgia pine, on mattresses stuffed with
+excelsior, with matches that, like flies, will light on anything in
+sight, strewn about on every side,&mdash;well, to commute this sentence, the
+possibilities of accident to such a one are of such a sort that "age
+cannot wither nor custom stale their infinite variety."</p>
+
+<p>And as for the lecture halls, one now and then encounters a place where
+it seems as though it were a vain-glorious tempting of fate to enter it.
+I recall one marvelous hall in one of the most cultured sections of New
+England, in a town not more than seventy-five miles from Boston, the
+home of one of America's most famous schools, and the capital of a State
+that has produced men of worldwide eminence, which in any Court of
+Commonsense would have been indicted as a menace to the public welfare.
+It was reached by a climb of two flights of stairs, the first scarcely
+wide enough for two people to walk up abreast, and the second rising
+from the end of a dimly lighted corridor up six steps to a landing
+whence ran on each side two other sections of four or five steps each to
+a second landing, with still a third turn and another climb before the
+auditorium floor was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[224]</a></span> reached; and all this in an ordinary brick
+building, erected long before fireproof construction was even thought
+of.</p>
+
+<p>My lecture in this architectural device of Beelzebub was delivered
+before an audience of four hundred people, just one week after the
+terrible disaster at Boyerstown, Pennsylvania, in which I know not how
+many lives were lost in a fire started by the explosion of a
+cinematograph machine. As I stepped upon the stage I inquired of my
+escort if there were any fire escapes on the building, and was informed
+that a huge iron door at the rear of the stage opened upon one. I was
+moderately relieved until I tried to open the iron door, only to find it
+locked&mdash;<i>and the janitor had left the key at home!</i> I may add that if my
+memory serves me correctly&mdash;and it does&mdash;this ingeniously designed
+atrocity was pleasantly and appropriately known as Phenix Hall. <i>Absit
+omen!</i></p>
+
+<p>In the main, however, the lecture halls of America are rather fine
+affairs. In the State of New York and on the other side of the
+Mississippi River I have found splendid auditoriums, acoustically
+perfect, well ventilated, and as nearly safe as human ingenuity can make
+them. The high<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[225]</a></span> schools of New York and Massachusetts, and the
+flourishing educational institutions of the West, have set a pace which
+other communities would do well to follow: not so much for the sake of
+the itinerant platformist as for the "safety, honor, and welfare" of
+their own sons and daughters. In Houston, Texas, where there is a
+municipally owned free lecture and music course on Sunday afternoons,
+beginning in October and running through to May, is one of the finest
+auditoriums I have ever seen anywhere. It seats in comfort and safety an
+audience of eight thousand, and neither New York, Boston, Philadelphia,
+nor even Chicago, has anything comparable to it.</p>
+
+<p>I have indeed had luck according to my own conception of it, on trains
+traveled on, and in respect to trains missed as well. I have been in two
+railway smash-ups, in the first of which the car behind mine was
+overturned and reduced to kindling in the twinkling of an eye, and
+miraculously without serious injury to any one; and in the other the
+engine directly in front of the car in which I was sitting, having
+endeavored to jump a frozen switch, succeeded only in landing upon its
+own back, leaving my car teetering to and fro for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[226]</a></span> a moment as if
+undecided whether to roll down an embankment, or to remain poised on its
+offside wheels like a ballet girl balanced upon one tangoing toe. If the
+gentleman who sat beside me on that occasion had shifted his chewing gum
+to the other side, I think we should have gone plunging down that
+embankment into the river; but fortunately he was too paralyzed with
+fear even to do that, and we remained fixed, safe as ever was the
+intrepid Blondin when he essayed to walk across Niagara Falls on his
+slack wire.</p>
+
+<p>As for the trains missed, it was only an over-prolonged discussion of
+the mysteries of golf between myself and a past-master of putting at
+Haverhill, Massachusetts, which caused me to miss by ten seconds a
+section of the Portland Express to New York that five hours later landed
+in a ditch somewhere in Connecticut.</p>
+
+<p>In respect to perils by water there are the steamboat perils, and those
+more insidious dangers that come from too free indulgence in the only
+kind of beverage the wise platformist dares adopt as a steady tipple.
+These latter perils I have tried to reduce to a minimum by having a
+billion and a half typhus germs mobilized within to patrol<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[227]</a></span> my system,
+so that any skulking bacilli seeking to spread revolutionary ideas in my
+midst, and gaining admittance thereto through my taste for ice water,
+will be seized and duly throttled ere they have time to lay the
+foundation for an effective propaganda.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs23.jpg" width="406" height="500" alt="&quot;If he had shifted his chewing gum to the other side, we
+should have plunged into the river.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;If he had shifted his chewing gum to the other side, we
+should have plunged into the river.&quot;</span>
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[228]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>But there is no inoculation against the perils of steamboats; although I
+have been in imminent danger only once in this way, and in its ultimate
+results even that was far more amusing than terrifying. I was on my way
+to Boston by the Fall River boat when the incident occurred. The night
+was foggy, and I retired early. The faithful craft kept steadily on her
+way, feeling her path through the dark waters of the sound. I slept only
+fitfully until midnight, when weary Nature at last asserted herself, and
+I fell into a profound slumber. At four in the morning, however, I was
+awakened rudely by a fierce shriek of the whistle, a seemingly quick
+reversal of the engines, a very decided shock as of an impact with some
+heavy body, followed by a grinding sound, and much shouting.</p>
+
+<p>I sprang from my berth, and glancing out of the window could see nothing
+but grimly gray fog. It was the work of a moment to jump into my shoes
+and bathrobe, and go speeding out into the main saloon.</p>
+
+<p>"Any danger, Porter?" I inquired of a wide-awake gentleman of color, who
+was leaning over the stair-railing.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[229]</a></span>"<i>Not unless yo' goes asho',
+Kuhnnel</i>," he replied with a grin. "<i>Dis is Newport.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>But there are perils other than these which must be taken into account
+in reckoning up the hazards of the profession&mdash;or perhaps in view of the
+eternity of the chase it were better called a pursuit. They include
+exposure to almost every kind of catastrophe mentioned in the Litany,
+from battle, murder, and sudden death, through hunger and thirst, to the
+tapering point of mere necessity and tribulation.</p>
+
+<p>I have nearly starved with teeming granaries on every side of me. Once
+in a delightful mid-New York community which I have since revisited and
+come to hold in affection, I found myself after a long, tedious, and
+foodless journey at a hotel where the table was frankly impossible. I
+arrived late, and out of an ample bill of fare there was nothing left
+but a few scraps of preserved fish, and not very well preserved at that.
+If fish could be personified, this particular bit of piscatorial
+cussedness might have passed as the Rip Van Winkle of the Sea, so long
+had it evidently been since it left its home in the depths. The merest
+glance at it filled the eye with visions of serried ranks of ptomaines,
+armed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[230]</a></span> cap-&agrave;-pie for trouble. It waved the red flag of digestive anarchy
+from the end of every bone and fin, and fortunately for me the very
+pungency of its aroma took care of my hunger for the moment. One sniff
+appeased my appetite for any kind of food.</p>
+
+<p>Later, when the chairman of the committee called and invited me to take
+a drive with him about the town, even though I had had nothing to eat
+for nearly twelve hours, I accepted. At the end of our drive we stopped
+at the chairman's home, a delightfully comfortable, newly built house,
+which he had designed himself and of which he was justly proud. As we
+entered his dining room a natural association of ideas caused my
+appetite to return with renewed vigor, and I thought I saw a chance for
+at least one good meal that day.</p>
+
+<p>"By Jove, Doctor!" said I, "what a pretty room this is!" And then I
+added, with all the pathos I could put into my voice, "You don't know
+what a joy it is to get a glimpse now and then of a real home dining
+room after eating day after day in some of these fearful country hotels.
+I don't want to seem unduly critical, but really I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[231]</a></span> got the worst dinner
+at the Blithers House to-day that I've ever had." And I stood expectant.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," he said reflectively, "<i>you'll get a worse supper</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>And lo, it was so.</p>
+
+<p>A similarly distressing moment one morning out in Montana once brought
+me a more satisfactory tribute. My train was hours late, and no
+preparations had been made by the usually considerate management of the
+Northern Pacific Railroad for the refreshment of the inner man. There
+was neither diner nor buffet on the train, and as the morning wore on
+toward noon I became famished to the extent of positive pain and general
+giddiness. To my supreme relief, however, along about half-past eleven
+o'clock the train drew into the little station of Livingston, where
+connections are made by travelers to the Yellowstone. As we drew slowly
+in the welcome sign of "LUNCH ROOM" greeted my vision; but the train did
+not stop until we had passed the sign by at least a hundred yards.
+Finally when we came to a standstill I rushed to the rear platform of
+the train, and was about to jump off when the conductor intervened.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[232]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Where are you going?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"For food," said I. "I'm nearly dead for a cup of coffee."</p>
+
+<p>"We're not going to stop any time," said he, with a glance at his watch.
+"We're seven hours late as it is."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, come now, Conductor!" said I. "Five minutes more isn't going to
+hurt anybody&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"All right," said he, "go ahead. Only when you hear the whistle blow
+don't lose a minute, hungry or no hungry."</p>
+
+<p>With that understanding I sped to the lunch counter, and in a few
+moments had a roll and a steaming cup of coffee before me; but, alas for
+all human expectations! the coffee was so fearfully hot nothing but a
+salamander could have hoped to drink it with safety, and I had hardly
+taken one scalding sip of it when the whistle blew sharply. There was
+but one thing to do, and I did it. I poured the coffee into my saucer
+and drained as much as I could of it from that, thrust the roll into my
+pocket, and darted after the train, which had already begun to move
+slowly, conscious all the while of the soft thud of pattering feet, like
+those of the white rabbit in "Alice in Wonderland,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[233]</a></span> behind me. I caught
+the train, seizing the rear platform rail with one hand, and when
+swinging myself on board was projected almost flat on my face by another
+passenger who suddenly developed like an infant battering ram at the
+rear. He was a little man, and his breath came in appropriate pants.
+Both completely winded, we gazed into each other's eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"Bub-beg pardon," he gasped. "I dud-didn't mean to bub-bump into you.
+Very grateful to you&mdash;yuh&mdash;you saved my life!"</p>
+
+<p>"Saved your life?" said I. "How so?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why," said he, "I was nearly gone for want of my coffee, and the stuff
+was so infernally hot I couldn't drink it, and then when I saw you
+pouring yours out into your saucer, I says to myself, '<i>Well, if a
+swell-lookin' guy like that kin do that, I kin,&mdash;an' b'gosh, I did!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>A not infrequent source of terror to the platform speaker, if not a real
+peril, is the small boy one encounters en route, singly and alone or in
+groups. I am glad to say that I have always delighted in him, and so
+far, despite the possibilities, none of my contacts with him has
+resulted disastrously; but, while nobody ever need mark him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[234]</a></span> "FRAGILE,"
+it is none the less true that he should be handled with care, and kept
+right side up if possible, for the sake of the general comfort.</p>
+
+<p>One of these youngsters once gave me a supreme example of intrinsic
+honesty which I shall never forget. I met him on the evening of my
+lecture in the town of Everett, Massachusetts. I had somehow got the
+notion that Everett was farther afield from Boston than it really is,
+and starting early I arrived at the high school hall a full hour before
+the advertised time. The building was dark, and every door was locked;
+so that for some thirty or forty minutes I was compelled to pace the
+sidewalk in front of it, awaiting the arrival of somebody who could let
+me in. After several turns up and down the street I was accosted by a
+bright-faced little urchin who held a ticket for my lecture in his hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Want to buy a ticket for to-night's lecture, mister?" said he.</p>
+
+<p>"No, son," said I. "I've heard this lecture several times already, and I
+wouldn't go through it again for seven dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"Gee!" he ejaculated. "<i>If it's as bad as that, I guess I'd better tear
+this up.</i>"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[235]</a></span> And he destroyed the ticket on which he had doubtless
+expected to realize much soda-water money before my very eyes, and went
+whistling along upon his honest little way.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps this little lad does not come properly under the head of
+Hazards; but in one of the larger cities of Arkansas I once came upon a
+group of boys who did, and they kept me in a state of trepidation for a
+goodly part of the evening. It happened that simultaneously with my
+arrival in town there arrived also a snowstorm that for that section of
+the country was a heavy one. Heavy or light, it brought with it enough
+snow to provide these forty-odd youngsters with the kind of occupation
+that all healthy-minded youngsters find to their taste&mdash;that of
+snow-balling passersby. When my motor arrived at the lecture hall the
+boys were on hand, and for two or three minutes the car was the object
+of a fierce fusillade of icy missiles that nearly put the chauffeur out
+of commission. The committee hustled me into the hall with no more
+damage than one rather slushy splosh of snow perilously close to my
+neck.</p>
+
+<p>"It's a shame, Mr. Bangs," said the chairman, "and I apologize. These
+boys aren't a bad lot;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[236]</a></span> but they are irrepressible. I'd advise you to go
+slow with them to-night. They've broken up two lectures already."</p>
+
+<p>"Gracious!" said I. "Do they attend the lectures?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the chairman. "By arrangement with the school authorities
+they have the first two rows reserved for them free."</p>
+
+<p>And sure enough when I walked out upon the platform there they were, two
+solid rows of them, eying me like hungry birds of prey ready to pounce
+upon a particularly luscious morsel. I should have fled if flight had
+been possible; but it was not, and I looked forward to an hour and a
+half of trial. But as the chairman was introducing me an idea popped
+into my head which I am glad to say saved the day&mdash;or rather the night.
+Instead of my usual opening I addressed a few words to the boys.</p>
+
+<p>"It is an awful shame, my young friends," said I, "that the requirements
+of this lecture course and the necessities of my own engagements compel
+you and me to waste such a delightful evening as this indoors. I feel
+just as badly as you do about it; for while what few hairs I have are
+gray, I give<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[237]</a></span> you my word that I'd rather go into a good redhot snowball
+fight with you than listen to the finest lecture that was ever
+delivered. If I didn't have to go on to Memphis to-night, I'd ask the
+committee and the audience to postpone this lecture until the snow
+melts, so that I could show you what a corking shot I am at any old
+beaver hat, moving or fixed, that ever crowned a mortal head."</p>
+
+<p>The effect was instantaneous. A wave of enthusiasm swept over the lads,
+and the only interference I had from them during my talk was a somewhat
+too-ready inclination on their part to help me along with laughter and
+applause at points where tears and silence would have been more
+appropriate. Moreover, when at the close of my lecture I started with
+some reluctance to leave the hall, instead of the volley of arctic
+ammunition that I had expected, I found those youngsters lined up twenty
+on a side between the door and my motor with their hats off, forming a
+little alley of honor for me to tread, giving me three rousing cheers as
+I departed.</p>
+
+<p>From which somewhat trying experience I deduce that there is a good deal
+more latent courtesy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[238]</a></span> in Young America than certain despairing critics
+of modern manners would have us believe. It may be that the reason why
+we do not find it oftener is that we do not ourselves give it the
+opportunity to express itself.</p>
+
+<p>I have spoken of our exposure to "battle, murder, and sudden death," and
+to some it may have seemed an exaggeration to claim anything of the sort
+as a platform peril; and yet there was one occasion upon which I was so
+uncomfortably tangent to such conditions that they seemed all too real.
+It was in one of our far western States. Scheduled to lecture there at
+eight <small>P.M.</small>, my train did not reach the town until nine-forty-five. I had
+telegraphed news of my delay ahead, and my audience with rare courtesy
+had voted to remain at the hall until I arrived.</p>
+
+<p>I dressed on the train, and on descending from it was whisked to the
+opera house in a prehistoric hack, which shed one of its wheels en
+route, spilling the committee and myself into the road, but without
+damage; while my Only Muse went on to the hotel, a two-story affair,
+where she secured accommodations for the night. Later, on the conclusion
+of my talk, on my arrival at the hotel, I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[239]</a></span> found the Muse sitting up in
+bed, pallid as a ghost, with a revolver at her side.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs24.jpg" width="384" height="500" alt="&quot;Laughter where tears would have been more appropriate.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;Laughter where tears would have been more appropriate.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"What on earth is the matter with you?" I demanded, more than startled
+at the sight.</p>
+
+<p>She hardly needed to answer; for almost as I spoke from a saloon located
+immediately underneath our room came the sharp crack of pistols.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[240]</a></span>
+Somebody below there was engaged in the pleasing occupation of "shooting
+up" the place. Not having seen the plans and specifications of the
+hotel, I did not know how thick the floor was, or what were the
+prospects for a sudden eruption of bullets through the carpet. It was
+not any safer to venture out either; for there was no telling how far
+the trouble might spread. So I jumped into bed and trusted to a
+combination of Providence, floor, and hair mattress to hold me immune.
+The disturbance did not last long, however, and shortly after midnight
+all was quiet, and sleep came.</p>
+
+<p>Two hours later we were awakened by a snarling quarrel going on directly
+under our window. Two men were applying epithets of an uncomplimentary
+nature to each other, when suddenly one of them passed the bounds of
+even occidental toleration. He called the other a name that no
+right-minded man could be expected to stand, and we heard three sharp
+cracks of a revolver zipping out in the air. We sprang from the bed and
+rushed to the window, and there lying flat on his back, on a light fall
+of snow, in the glare of an electric lamp, was a man, with a gradually
+widening red spot staining the white of the road on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[241]</a></span> which he lay. There
+was no sign of an assailant anywhere; but in a few moments, in absolute,
+almost ghostly silence, black figures appeared from seemingly
+everywhere, and bent over the fallen victim. We could hear low
+whisperings, and then suddenly one of the black figures detached himself
+from the group, and ran off down the street, returning shortly with a
+covered carriage. Into this the murdered man was placed, the carriage
+was driven off, the snow muffling the feet of the horses, the black
+figures vanished as silently as they had come, and all that was left of
+the tragedy was the red spot in the snow.</p>
+
+<p>We had heard tales of witnesses to similar disturbances being detained
+for months under surveillance, practically prisoners of the law, pending
+the trial of the guilty, and were in no mind to suffer a similar
+experience ourselves. Wherefore when morning came we rose with the first
+glimmer of dawn, packed our suitcases, and, asking no questions of
+anybody, departed for other scenes on the earliest milk train we could
+catch; which happened, fortunately, to be going in the right direction
+for us.</p>
+
+<p>Personally I have a horror of the Zeppelin and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[242]</a></span> its powers to make
+things uncomfortable from its a&euml;rial thoroughfares; but as between it
+and the perils of being shot up from below by playful spirits in a
+frontier saloon I think I shall choose the Zeppelin if the choice must
+be made. At any rate, if either emergency should ever again enter into
+my life, I trust I shall have a bomb-proof roof overhead, or an
+armor-plated hair mattress underneath me; for I have no taste for a last
+end in which a coroner will be called upon to decide whether the victim
+of the affair was a mortal being, or a lifeless combination of porous
+plaster and human sieve.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[243]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="XIII" id="XIII"></a>XIII</h2>
+
+<h3>EMBARRASSING MOMENTS</h3>
+
+
+<p>I shall never forget the expression of serene immunity from care on the
+face of one of my editorial chiefs when some years ago I told him that I
+was very much embarrassed by certain arrangements he himself had made
+over my head. They were such arrangements as to make my position frankly
+impossible.</p>
+
+<p>"You have embarrassed me more than I care to say," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Embarrassment is a sign of weakness," he replied calmly. "Don't ever be
+embarrassed."</p>
+
+<p>"But what can I do?" said I. "You have made these arrangements, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, if I were you," said he, smiling, and putting considerable
+emphasis on the <i>you</i>, "rather than admit that anything under heaven
+embarrassed me I'd tell <i>me</i> to go to the devil with my arrangements."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[244]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I took him at his word. We both laughed, and the immediate awkwardness
+vanished. While I cannot truthfully say that telling him to "go to" was
+a wholly satisfactory ultimate solution of all our difficulties, I have
+as a matter of policy adopted that attitude toward troublesome things
+ever since, to the material advantage at least of my own peace of mind.
+I have found the philosophy involved a workable one, and more than
+helpful to me in the pursuit of my platform labors, especially that part
+of it involving the "laugh."</p>
+
+<p>It certainly rescued me from a deal of unhappiness over a wasted date a
+year or so ago in Michigan, for which I was in no sense to blame, and
+which, had the various parties been inclined to quarrel over misfortune,
+might have resulted in much unpleasantness.</p>
+
+<p>Following a Wednesday night engagement in mid-Ohio was a Thursday night
+in a more or less remote section of the Wolverine State. To reach the
+Thursday night scene of action I was required to rise at five o'clock in
+the morning and travel with one or two awkward changes of trains to Fort
+Wayne, going thence to Kalamazoo, and from there by a way train to the
+point in question. It<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[245]</a></span> was a long, tedious drive of a day, and when I
+reached Kalamazoo I unburdened myself vigorously to the Only Muse to the
+effect that if anybody, anywhere, would offer me a job as third
+assistant manager of a tolerably stationary peanut stand at two dollars
+a week, payable in deferred promises, I should consider the offer a most
+tempting one.</p>
+
+<p>My comfort was not at all enhanced by my discovery on reaching Kalamazoo
+that I had completely misread the timetables, and that instead of
+arriving at our destination at five in the afternoon, leaving me plenty
+of time for rest, refreshment, and change of clothes, the only possible
+train, even if it ran on time, could not get me through to the haven of
+my desires until five minutes before eight, with the lecture scheduled
+to begin at eight-fifteen. So I rested, refreshed, and dressed at
+Kalamazoo, and perforce traveled over the last stage of that wearisome
+journey in full evening dress, slowly but surely accumulating en route a
+sufficient supply of soot, cinders, grit, and other appurtenances of
+travel on a soft-coal, one-horse railroad, to make me appear like a
+masterpiece of spatterwork when I arrived at the farther end.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[246]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>By some odd mischance, never as yet satisfactorily accounted for, the
+train got through on time. The Only Muse and I hastily boarded an
+omnibus, and were whisked through the impenetrable depths of a dark
+night to the hotel, whence, after seeing her properly bestowed, I
+hastened to the Auditorium where the lecture was to be held. To my
+surprise when I got there I found the building wholly dark. There was
+not a sign of life anywhere about it. I banged, whacked, and thundered
+on the door like an invading artillery corps; but with no response of
+any sort. But a glance up the street a moment later relieved the
+pressure of my woe; for there my vision was cheered by a brilliantly
+lighted church.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," I thought, "the Auditorium is too small to accommodate the
+audience, and they've changed over to the church."</p>
+
+<p>I glanced at my watch, and discovered that I had two minutes to spare. A
+goodly sprint brought me panting to the front door of the edifice, and
+with some unnecessary noise, perhaps due wholly to the impetuosity of my
+approach, I burst in upon the assembled multitude&mdash;to find, alas!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[247]</a></span> that
+the very sizable audience gathered there with their heads bowed, and
+listening to an eloquent appeal for blessings desired by a gentleman
+wearing a long frock coat and a white necktie, were not for me. To my
+chagrin I soon learned that I had come within an ace of <i>breaking up</i> a
+prayer meeting&mdash;if I may be allowed the use of such incongruous terms in
+the phrase. I backed out as gracefully as I could, and collided with a
+late comer.</p>
+
+<p>"Is there more than one Auditorium in town?" I whispered, after
+apologizing for my reactionary behavior.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes," he replied politely, "there is the Auditorium, and the High
+School Auditorium."</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs25.jpg" width="239" height="500" alt="&quot;I found the building wholly dark.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;I found the building wholly dark.&quot;</span>
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[248]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well, would you mind telling me where they are?" I queried.</p>
+
+<p>"That is the High School Auditorium up there," he said, pointing to the
+Egyptian darkness I had just left. "The other is three squares down,
+where you see all those electric lights."</p>
+
+<p>Whether I thanked the gentleman or not I do not know. I hope I did; but
+in the hurry of my departure I fear I seemed discourteous. Another
+speedy dash, which left me completely winded, brought me to the other
+Auditorium, and there in the full glare of an electric spotlight,
+assisted in its quest of publicity by a hoarse-tongued barker with a
+megaphone, I was confronted by a highly colored lithograph, showing a
+very pink Mabel, Queen of the Movies, standing before a very blue
+American soldier tied to a tree, shielding him from the bullets of a
+line of very green Mexicans, under the command of a very red villain,
+holding a very mauve sword in his very yellow hand, and bidding them to
+"Fire!" If I was expected to take any part in the thrilling episode that
+appeared to be going on inside, there was nothing in the chromatic
+advertising outside to indicate the fact; though I confess I was
+becoming painfully conscious of certain<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[249]</a></span> strong resemblances between my
+very breathless self and that very blue American trooper tied to the
+tree.</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me," said I, addressing the barker, "but is there to be a
+lecture here to-night?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not so's anybody'd notice it," said he. "These is the movies."</p>
+
+<p>"Well&mdash;tell me&mdash;is there a lecture course of any kind in this town that
+you know of?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure!" said he. "Miss So-and-So down at the library is runnin' a
+lecture stunt of some kind this year. You'll find the library on Main
+Street, opposite the hotel."</p>
+
+<p>Again, late as it was, the skies cleared, and I moved on to the library,
+completing the circuit of vast numbers of blocks to a point almost
+opposite the spot I had started from fifteen lifelong minutes before. I
+arrived in a state of active perspiration and suspended respiration that
+did not seem to promise much in the way of a successful delivery of my
+lecture that night. I hoped the Library Auditorium would not prove to be
+a large one; for in my disorganized condition I did not feel capable of
+projecting my voice even into the shallows, to say nothing of the
+sometimes unfathomable<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[250]</a></span> depths of endless tiers of seats. And my hope
+was realized; in fact it was more than realized, for there wasn't any
+Library Auditorium at all.</p>
+
+<p>The citizens of that town had a library that was devoted rather to good
+literature than to architectural splendor. Their books were housed in an
+ordinary shop, or store. It was deep, narrow, and bookishly cozy, and at
+the far end of it, seated at a generously large table, engaged in
+knitting, was a charming lady who glanced up from her needles as I
+approached.</p>
+
+<p>"Pardon my intrusion, madam," I panted, "but can you tell me where I can
+find Miss So-and-So?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am Miss So-and-So," she replied graciously.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said I, "I am Mr. Bangs."</p>
+
+<p>Her knitting fell to the floor. "Why&mdash;Mr. Bangs!" she replied, with a
+gasp almost equal to my own. "I am very glad indeed to see you; but what
+are you doing here?"</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;I've come to lecture," I said weakly, almost pleadingly.</p>
+
+<p>"To lecture?" she echoed. "<i>Why, your lecture is not to be until a week
+from to-night!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Then I am afraid we shall have to get my astral<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[251]</a></span> body to work," said I;
+"for a week from to-night I shall be at Hiawatha, Kansas. How do you
+propose to have the lecture delivered&mdash;by long distance telephone, or
+parcels post?"</p>
+
+<p>We gazed into each other's eyes for a moment, and then&mdash;we both laughed.
+It seemed the only thing to do.</p>
+
+<p>Gallantry forbids my saying which of us had made the mistake under the
+terms of the written contract. Suffice it to say that two months later I
+returned to that good little town, and was received like a conquering
+hero by an audience that in its cordiality more than compensated me for
+the distressing effects of an "unlectured lecture."</p>
+
+<p>What promised to be a more serious complication occurred about a month
+later in Florida, where in pursuance of instructions from my Southern
+managers I arrived at Daytona on a Monday, to open the flourishing
+Chautauqua Course, which has become a permanent feature of life at that
+attractive Southern resort. The seriousness of the situation grew out of
+the quality of the genius and the nature of the popularity of the other
+individual involved, who was no less a personage than the Hon. William
+Jennings Bryan. Any minor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[252]</a></span> star in the platform firmament who comes into
+collision with the planetary splendor of this Monarch of Modern
+Loquacity has about as much chance of escaping unscathed as a tallow-dip
+would have in a passage at arms with the sun itself.</p>
+
+<p>There is no escaping the fact that Mr. Bryan is the idol of the
+Chautauqua Circuit, and it is equally true that every bit of the success
+he has achieved therein he has earned many times over. I am not, never
+have been, and see no possibility of my ever becoming, a devotee of Mr.
+Bryan's political fortunes; but as a platform speaker he is far and away
+the most brilliant and likable personality in the public eye to-day. He
+is an expert in playing upon the emotions of an audience, large or
+small&mdash;preferably large&mdash;as ever was Dudley Buck in the manipulation of
+the keys and stops of an organ, and he can at will strike chords in the
+human heart as searchingly appealing as any produced by an Elman or a
+Kreisler on the violin, or a Paderewski at the piano.</p>
+
+<p>The keynotes of his platform work are a seeming sincerity and a magnetic
+humanness that are irresistible, and no individual who has ever listened
+to him in matters outside of political controversy,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[253]</a></span> however reluctant
+to admit his greatness, has failed to fall beneath the winning spell of
+man, matter, and method. He is an interesting personality, and has a
+greater number of points of contact with the general run of humanity
+than any other public speaker of to-day. It is a stimulating thing to
+know that in this line of human endeavor he has got his reward in the
+assured position he holds in a movement at which it is the fashion in
+some uninformed and cynical quarters to sneer, but which in point of
+fact has had a supremely awakening effect upon the American people, and
+for which we are all of us the better off.</p>
+
+<p>"All of which," as a friend of mine once put it after I had expressed
+myself in similar terms concerning Mr. Bryan, "is some tribute for a
+narrow-minded, hide-bound, bigoted, old standpat, reactionary,
+antediluvian Republican to pay to a hated rival!"</p>
+
+<p>I was frankly appalled on arriving at Daytona to find the town placarded
+from end to end with posters announcing Mr. Bryan's appearance there
+that evening&mdash;my evening, as I had supposed it to be. I did not know
+exactly what to do. I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[254]</a></span> knew perfectly well what would happen to me if it
+came to a hand-to-hand contest for possession of the stage. Physically,
+with Mr. Bryan and myself left to decide the matter for ourselves, after
+the fashion of a pair of bantam white hopes, I felt that I might have a
+fairly good chance to win out; for I am not altogether without brawn,
+and in the matter of handling a pair of boxing gloves am probably quite
+as expert as the late Secretary of State; but nobody outside of
+Matteawan would be so blind to commonsense as to expect an audience
+anywhere either to stand neutral or to indulge in a policy of "watchful
+waiting" with such a contest going on on the platform.</p>
+
+<p>My first impulse in the circumstances was to get out of town as quickly
+and as quietly as I could, and forget that there was such a place as
+Daytona on the map; but a careful scrutiny of my letter of instructions
+reassured me. The date, according to the supreme managers at Atlanta,
+was clearly mine, and I decided at least to go down with colors flying.
+I have never run from my own lithographs, and I saw no reason why I
+should flee from Mr. Bryan's. I got in touch with the local committee as
+soon as possible, and soon had at least<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[255]</a></span> the solace of companionship in
+my misery. They were as upset about it as I was.</p>
+
+<p>"But, Mr. Bangs," protested the chairman, almost with tears in his
+eyes&mdash;his voice was full of them&mdash;"you aren't due here until to-morrow
+night."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't see how that can be," I replied unfeelingly. "You know
+perfectly well that I am not twins, and only twins can appear in two
+places at once. I am to lecture at Miami to-morrow night."</p>
+
+<p>I handed the gentleman my letter of instructions, confirming my
+statement. It was all down in black and white.</p>
+
+<p>"It's a perfectly terrible situation," said the chairman, tears even
+springing from his brow, "and I'm blest if I know what to do!"</p>
+
+<p>"There is only one of three things to be done," said I. "The first is to
+let me sit in the audience to-night and listen to Mr. Bryan, collecting
+my fee on the ground that I have earned it by holding my tongue&mdash;which
+is some job for a man primed with unspoken words. The second is to let
+Mr. Bryan and myself go out on the platform and indulge in a lecture
+Marathon, he at one side of the stage, I at the other, talking
+simultaneously, the one that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[256]</a></span> gets through first to get the gate money.
+The third and best is for you to telegraph Mr. Bryan and find out direct
+from him what his understanding is as to the date."</p>
+
+<p>The first or the last of the propositions would have suited me
+perfectly; for I should have been delighted to listen to Mr. Bryan
+whether I was paid for it or not&mdash;and most assuredly had Mr. Bryan
+himself laid claim to the date no power on this earth could have lured
+me into a dispute over its possession. I am too proud of this life to
+risk its uncertain tenure for the brief glory of an hour on a pre&euml;mpted
+platform.</p>
+
+<p>I am glad to say that before dusk the complication was cleared off; for,
+the third alternative having been accepted by the committee, Mr. Bryan
+was caught on the wire, and replied instantly to the effect that he was
+to lecture that night on some such subject as "The Curse of Wealth" at
+Palm Beach, where many sufferers from that particular blight are
+annually gathered together in large numbers. The skies immediately
+cleared, and I went out that night before a packed house, the unwitting
+beneficiary of widespread advertising on Mr. Bryan's behalf, and enjoyed
+myself very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[257]</a></span> much; although as I sped along I could "spot" here and
+there in the audience individuals who, having come to hear Mr. Bryan,
+like Rachel weeping for her children, "refused to be comforted."</p>
+
+<p>My only lasting regret was that my contract did not call for the payment
+to me of fifty per cent. of the boxoffice receipts. I have no doubt
+there were people there that night who thought, and possibly still
+think, that I stole that audience. And perhaps I did; but I was no more
+responsible for the theft than was poor little Oliver Twist, who found
+himself at unexpected places at unlooked for hours through the efforts
+of those "higher up." I may add too in all sincerity that if Mr. Bryan
+himself feels, or felt, in any way aggrieved over what he might call my
+"unearned increment" in listeners, I will gladly exchange fees with him.
+I will unhesitatingly, at his request, and by return mail, send him my
+check for the full amount received by me on that somewhat nervous
+occasion if he will send me a postoffice order for the amount received
+by him the evening after.</p>
+
+<p>Embarrassments of a less poignant character frequently arise in the
+matter of unexpected calls for service, for which the public generally
+assumes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[258]</a></span> the platform speaker to be necessarily always prepared, but for
+which as a matter of fact no amount of preparation could adequately fit
+any man built on the old-fashioned plan in respect to his nervous
+organization. One of these affairs came into my experience a decade ago,
+when, crossing the Atlantic Ocean on that high-rolling ocean greyhound,
+the <i>Lucania</i>, I was drafted by an overzealous committee of arrangements
+to preside over one of those impromptu entertainments got up on
+shipboard for the benefit of the widows and orphans of those who go down
+into the sea in ships. To these more than worthy enterprises gratitude
+for benefits received has always made me a willing contributor; but to
+participate in them has ever been a trial. I would rather lecture before
+the inmates of a deaf and dumb asylum with a sore thumb.</p>
+
+<p>The company aboard a transatlantic liner is always, to say the least,
+"mixed" in the matter of nationality; and, while one might be willing to
+"make a stab" at being witty before a gathering all English, all French,
+all German, or Pan-American, woe be unto him who vaingloriously attacks
+the risibles of a multitude made up of all these widely varying racial
+elements! Their standards<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[259]</a></span> of humor are as widely divergent as are their
+several racial strains, and one might as well try to sit on four stools
+at once with perfect composure as expect to find the "Chair" under such
+conditions comfortable. One has to acquiesce in such demands, however,
+or be set down as disagreeable, and when the committee approached me in
+the matter they received a much readier yes than I really wished to give
+them.</p>
+
+<p>The night came, and I found myself at the head table in the dining
+saloon working for dear life to keep the thing going. There was a pretty
+slim array of talent, and from one end of the program to the other there
+was nobody to hang a really good joke on, even if I had had one to hang.
+A chairman can always be facetious at the expense of distinguished
+people like Chauncey M. Depew, Henry James, or Mr. Caruso, and "get away
+with it"; but the obscure amateur cannot be handled with brutal
+impunity. I think I may say truthfully that no man ever worked harder at
+the pumps of a sinking ship than I did that night. And to make matters
+worse there was a heavy rolling sea on, and, while I never suffer from
+seasickness, the combination of motion and nerves made<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[260]</a></span> me uncomfortably
+conscious of an insurgent midst as I forged hopelessly ahead.</p>
+
+<p>Finally, however, there came a rift in the cloud of my despair. A
+pleasant little cockney ballad singer who was coming over to America for
+a season in vaudeville volunteered to sing a ballad. It was well sung,
+and most pathetic. It depicted in dramatic fashion the delirium of an
+old British veteran, who, as the hour of death approached him, was
+fighting over again in fancy the battles of his youth. The refrain of
+the ballad was <i>Bring me the old Martini, and I shall die in
+peace!</i>&mdash;referring of course to the rifle that for a period of years up
+to 1890 had been the official weapon of Tommy Atkins. I made the most of
+so obvious a lead, and before introducing the next number on the program
+thanked the singer for his dramatic rendering of so fine a story.</p>
+
+<p>"But, my friends," said I, "that ballad saddens me in more respects than
+one. I have long believed in international brotherhood. In common with
+my friend Conan Doyle and others who have advocated the hands stretched
+across the sea, I have been in sympathetic accord with the idea of
+universal brotherhood; but now and then certain<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[261]</a></span> little things crop up
+that, insignificant in themselves, show us none the less how radically
+far apart we really are. This splendid old British warrior calling for
+his Martini is a case in point, and I am sure my own compatriots here
+to-night at any rate will realize the vast gulfs of separation that
+exist between the Britons and ourselves when I ask them what they would
+bring to a dying American soldier, delirious or otherwise, if he were to
+call for a Martini."</p>
+
+<p>The point took with the Americans; but the others, charming Frenchmen,
+delightful Germans, cultivated Englishmen, stared at me in stolid
+silence, and one or two of them shook their heads as if bewildered. It
+was a hard situation, and I slammed the rest of the evening through
+without further attempts at playfulness, retiring to the seclusion that
+my cabin granted an hour later, resolved never again to serve as
+presiding elder at a vaudeville show either on land or sea.</p>
+
+<p>I felt almost as solemnly embarrassed as I did one evening in
+Pennsylvania, later, when my lecture was opened with prayer and I heard
+a good clergyman begging the Lord to "show His mercy upon the audience
+gathered here," to "protect<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[262]</a></span> them from all suffering, and in His
+infinite wisdom, if it were His will, to enable the speaker of the
+evening to rise to his opportunity."</p>
+
+<p>But there was an after result of that Martini jest which more than made
+up for the depression that followed its failure to strike home. I write
+of it, however, with some diffidence; for I am convinced that some
+reader somewhere will observe that the incident is only another
+variation of Senator Depew's famous tale of the Englishman who wanted to
+know what really was the matter with the mince pie. As a matter of fact
+it is the twin brother of that famous anecdote; but, while I am
+perfectly willing to think the Depew story really happened, I know that
+mine did, and I therefore record it.</p>
+
+<p>The morning following the impromptu concert I was pacing the deck of the
+steamer when one of the more distinguished passengers aboard, an English
+army officer, who occupied at that time, and still holds, an important
+post in British military circles, stopped me.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Bangs," he said, holding out his hand, "I want to thank you for a
+charming evening last night, and to express my admiration for the
+delightful<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[263]</a></span> way in which you carried off your difficult honors. It was
+really most interesting."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you, General," said I. "That is very nice to hear. I thought it
+fell rather flat."</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all, not at all," he rejoined; "though, to speak quite frankly,
+there was one of your jests that I&mdash;I&mdash;I didn't really get. What humor
+you have, sir, I think I appreciate. During a period of convalescence in
+the Transvaal somebody sent me a copy of your 'House Boat on the Styx,'
+and I&mdash;I&mdash;I found it very amusing; but this joke last night&mdash;after the
+little chap had sung that ballad&mdash;about the dying veteran you know&mdash;it
+quite escaped me. Er&mdash;<i>what would they bring an American soldier who
+called for a Martini?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, General," said I, restraining an impulse to be amused, "I might
+explain, and explain and explain the point to you, giving you a chart in
+full detail, exploiting the theory of the thing as fully as possible,
+without satisfactory results. It is a case where an object lesson will
+demonstrate in a minute what no amount of abstract argument could convey
+in a year. If you will come with me into the smoking room, I'll show you
+exactly what<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[264]</a></span> nine out of ten people in America would give to a soldier
+crying aloud for a Martini."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs26.jpg" width="254" height="455" alt="&quot;But what was the point of this little joke last night?&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;But what was the point of this little joke last night?&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>We repaired accordingly to the smoking room, and in response to my order
+the steward shortly placed two misty Martini cocktails before us.</p>
+
+<p>"There you are, General," said I, smiling, "that's what!"</p>
+
+<p>He gazed at the Martinis a moment, and then he fixed his handsome eyes
+on me. There was a merry twinkle in them, and after he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[265]</a></span> had swallowed
+the object lesson he leaned over with a broad smile and spoke.</p>
+
+<p>"I am very much afraid, Mr. Bangs," said he, "that that idea you
+Americans have that we British are sometimes a trifle sluggish in our
+perception of the subtler points of an American jest, bristling as they
+often do with latent significance, is not altogether without
+justification. In order to show you how completely, how fully, I
+appreciate the excellence of your witticism I would suggest that <i>we
+have two more</i>."</p>
+
+<p>I draw no conclusions of an invidious nature from this little episode;
+for I recall with pain, and some contrition, an American audience in a
+prohibition section of one of our Eastern States before whom I had the
+hardihood to tell that story on a hot summer night three years ago, only
+one of whose six hundred members saw the point, and he didn't dare laugh
+for fear that by doing so he might risk his reputation for sobriety&mdash;or
+so he informed me for my consolation later in the evening as he and I
+zig-zagged together down an ice-covered mountain-road to the railway
+station in a rattling motor car driven by a chauffeur who had apparently
+confounded his own stomach with the gasoline tank.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[266]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="XIV" id="XIV"></a>XIV</h2>
+
+<h3>"SLINGS AND ARROWS"</h3>
+
+
+<p>One's democracy receives a pretty severe test on the road, and I am
+indeed sorry for the man who is always so solicitous for his own dignity
+that the free and easy habits of the American of Today affront him. The
+lecture platform is no place for what Doctor Johnson's friend Richard
+Savage would doubtless in these days have characterized as "the tenth
+transmitter of a foolish pride."</p>
+
+<p>A people like ours, made up of a hundred million sovereigns, and
+actuated for the most part, in their social intercourse at least, by a
+spirit of fraternity, mixed with a very decided inclination to be
+facetious, forms a somewhat bristling environment for the
+supersensitively self-centered. If such a one contemplates the invasion
+of the lyceum territory, as a friend and brother let me advise him to
+spend at least a year in some social settlement<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[267]</a></span> where he may be
+inoculated with sundry useful social germs, as a preventive of much
+misery ahead. He must get used to much familiarity of a sudden sort, and
+realize fully that our American world, while it respects ability, and
+withholds from it no atom of its due appreciation, is in no particular a
+respecter of mere persons.</p>
+
+<p>In respect to "having to be shown" we are by a large majority "from
+Missouri," and it will never do for the lyceumite to try to hedge
+himself about with any fences of false dignity. The palings of those
+fences may be sharp, and connected with barbed wire; but the American
+citizens of the hour walk through them, or vault them, as easily as if
+they were not there. And it is all very harmless too; for no man's real
+dignity has ever yet suffered from any assaults other than his own.</p>
+
+<p>I recall an incident of my travels in the Dakotas some years ago that
+brought this situation home to me very vividly. I was on my way to a
+county seat in one of those vast twin commonwealths on a rather sluggish
+way train, and found among my fellow travelers three very live human
+beings who had apparently just met after a long separation. One of them
+was a rather stout little man, with a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[268]</a></span> fresh, boyish face; another was a
+tall and spare ferret-eyed individual who might have posed as an
+acceptable model for a picture of Sherlock Holmes; and the third was a
+well built young giant, a veritable blond Samson, full of the boisterous
+spirits of young manhood.</p>
+
+<p>The three sat across the aisle from me, and inasmuch as Nature had not
+seen fit to supply their vocal organs with soft pedals, or pianissimo
+stops, I became an unwitting, though not unwilling, listener to their
+conversation. It was amusing, clean, and bristling with good-fellowship,
+though not wholly Chesterfieldian in character. Finally the Sherlock
+Holmes man, turning to the stout little chap, who was sitting next to
+the car window, observed:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, old man, you're lookin' a heap better than ya did the last time I
+saw ya."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the stout little man, "I'm feeling better. I've been on a
+diet for the past six months."</p>
+
+<p>And here the stalwart young blond Samson playfully interposed. "Well, it
+was about time, ya big, fat stuff!" he said. "Ya had a stummick on ya
+big enough for sixteen men." Whereupon<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[269]</a></span> he proceeded to jam the little
+man's derby hat down over his eyes.</p>
+
+<p>Ordinarily this would be regarded as a rather commonplace, unenlightened
+conversation; but its application to my point came the following
+morning, when, having several hours to spare before departing for other
+scenes, I went into the county courthouse to watch the litigation in
+progress there. It was a scene full of interest, and the proceedings
+were conducted on a plane of dignity quite in keeping with the highest
+traditions of the bench, everything going on decently and in order. But
+the interesting and possibly amazing thing about it to me was the sight
+that greeted my eyes in the person of the Sherlock Holmes man of the day
+before, conducting an eloquent argument before the stout little man of
+the train, who was no less a person than&mdash;<i>the Presiding Justice</i>! And
+the young giant who had called him a big, fat stuff, and jammed his hat
+down over his eyes, was the <i>court stenographer</i>!</p>
+
+<p>I had the pleasure of lunching with all three of them later in the day,
+and a finer lot of true-blue American citizens I have not met anywhere
+else, before or since.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[270]</a></span>If one has any purely physical peculiarity of an
+obvious nature, he must get reconciled to having it used as a hook for
+his discomfiture, or his delectation, according as his own attitude
+toward the slings and arrows of life causes him to take them. In my own
+case perhaps the most conspicuous personal idiosyncrasy I present
+physically to the eye of the casual beholder is an almost abnormal lack
+of hirsute adornment; always a favorite point of attack by facetiously
+inclined chairmen, by whom I have been eloquently likened to the
+"imperishable Alps" for that I lacked "vegetation" on my "summit," to a
+"heliograph on the Hills of Letters," and by one I was called "the
+legitimate successor of the lamented Bill Nye, the Original Billiard
+Ball on the Pool Tables of Modern Humor."</p>
+
+<p>Most of my delectable misadventures in respect to this deficiency have
+naturally occurred in the barber shops of the nation, and it has been
+surprising to me, as an interested student of American humor, to note
+how full of variety are the spontaneous outbursts of the Knights of the
+Razor everywhere upon that seemingly barren topic.</p>
+
+<p>One barber in Wisconsin, to whom I facetiously<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[271]</a></span> complained that he
+should not charge me full price for a haircut when there was so little
+to cut, came back immediately with, "Ah, but you see I had to work
+overtime to find it!"</p>
+
+<p>Another in Boston, after shaving me, inquired, "Now how do you want your
+hair brushed?"</p>
+
+<p>"Brush it back like that young man's in the next chair," said I,
+pointing to a Harvard student with a perfect mop of hair, resembling a
+huge yellow chrysanthemum, which the neighboring artist was brushing
+laboriously back from the youthful forehead.</p>
+
+<p>"Humph!" said my friend. "I'll try; but, take it from me, <i>it'll take a
+blistering long time to brush your hair back</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>But the readiest bit of repartee that I recall in respect to this
+shortcoming was that of a Philadelphia barber two years ago, who was
+trying to make me presentable for my audience that night in the
+Witherspoon Hall University extension course, where I was to deliver a
+series of lectures on American humorists.</p>
+
+<p>"Now," said he, running his hand over the back of my head after he had
+attended to my other needs, "how do you want your hair fixed?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[272]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"In silence, and without humor," said I. "I am approaching my fiftieth
+year in this world, and since thirty I have been as you see me now. In
+the course of those twenty intervening years I have heard about every
+joke on the subject of baldness that the human mind has been able to
+conceive at least fifty thousand times."</p>
+
+<p>"I guess that's right," said he. "You are pretty bald, ain't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am, and I am not at all ashamed of it," I returned. "My baldness has
+been honestly acquired. I have not lost my hair in dissipation, or by
+foolish speculation, but entirely through generosity of spirit. <i>I have
+given my hair to my children.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Gee!" he ejaculated with fervor. "<i>You must have the divvle of a large
+family!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>I made use of that incident in my lecture that night as a convincing
+demonstration that whatever had happened to the humor of the
+professional humorist, as a natural gift of the American people that
+branch of humor known as repartee was still running strong.</p>
+
+<p>Intentionally or otherwise, I think the best joke ever perpetrated upon
+me in respect to my lack of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[273]</a></span> capillary attraction occurred at
+Bellingham, in the State of Washington, up near the Vancouver line, back
+in 1906, when I made my first trip to the Pacific Coast. I was the
+victim that season of a particularly distressing window card, got up in
+a great hurry from a most unsatisfactory photograph, and designed to
+arouse interest in my coming. It greeted me with grinning pertinacity
+everywhere I looked.</p>
+
+<p>I am skeptic on the subject of window cards anyhow. I could never
+convince myself that printed cuts are really effective instruments of
+publicity, and I vow with all the fervor of which I am capable that they
+are a nuisance and a trial to what the public call "the talent." I also
+know that in at least one instance they bade fair to work adversely to
+my interests, as was shown in a letter received by me many years ago
+from an unknown correspondent in Kansas City, who addressed me thus:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">My Dear Sir,</span>&mdash;I inclose herewith a copy of a so-called photograph
+of yourself published in this morning's Kansas City "Star," and I
+want to know if you really look like that. The reason I write to
+inquire is that yesterday was my little boy's birthday, and his
+grandmother presented him with a copy of one of your books. I
+haven't had time to read the book myself; but I have taken it away
+from Willie,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[274]</a></span>
+and shall keep it pending your reply, <i>for if you do look like
+this, you are no fit person to write for children</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p>I must confess that a single glance at the muddy reproduction of a long
+discarded photograph convinced me that my na&iuml;ve correspondent was not a
+whit more careful of his parental responsibilities than the situation
+justified. I might readily have passed, if that photograph were
+accurate, for a professional gambler, or a highly probable future
+candidate for the Rogues' Gallery.</p>
+
+<p>But, whether the platform worker is helped or retarded by this
+indiscriminate plastering of public places with his counterfeit
+presentment, committees seem to think it necessary, and we therefore
+provide them with the most pulchritudinous pictorial composition that
+Art, unrestrained by Nature, can produce.</p>
+
+<p>But the one I used in 1906 was a most unflattering affair, and I grew
+heartily sick of it as my tour progressed. At Bellingham it was
+oppressively omnipresent. It seemed as if I had erupted all over the
+place. It greeted me in the railway station when I descended from the
+train. Two of them hung in the hotel office when I entered, and as I
+walked up the street after luncheon I overheard<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[275]</a></span> sundry unregenerate
+youths remark, "There he goes!" and "That's him!" and "Oh, look who's
+here!" derisively, until I could almost have wrung every juvenile neck
+in town. On one corner I found it in a laundry window, labeled, "John
+Kendrick Bangs at the Normal School Tonight," and placed immediately
+beneath this was a brown paper placard inscribed in great, red-chalk
+letters with the words, "HELP WANTED." Farther up the street I found it
+in a millinery shop window, pinned beneath a composite creation of
+Bellingham and Paris which was not particularly becoming to my pictorial
+style.</p>
+
+<p>But the climax was reached when I found it in a drug-store window, where
+the window dresser had placed it over another placard, the advertisement
+of a well known patent remedy. My picture covered the whole of the
+patent medicine placard except its essential advertising line at the
+bottom, and as I stood there staring at myself through that plate glass
+window my grinning countenance stared back at me unflinchingly, and
+underneath it was the legend,</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+HIRSUTERINE DID THIS AND WE<br />
+CAN PROVE IT.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[276]</a></span>In gratitude to the perpetrator of that horrific joke let me say that I
+have used the incident as the opening anecdote in my Salubrity lecture
+ever since, and I really believe it has had as much to do with making me
+<i>persona grata</i> to my audiences as any other feature of my discourse.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs27.jpg" width="291" height="475" alt="&quot;My grinning countenance stared back at me
+unflinchingly.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;My grinning countenance stared back at me
+unflinchingly.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>A tolerably effective arrow that struck fairly on the bullseye of
+over-self-appreciation came to me out of the dark, of a well intended
+compliment in a prominent New Jersey city several years ago. I had
+lectured before a fairly appreciative audience, seated conspicuously in
+the midst of which was a young man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[277]</a></span> whom I recognized as the very
+courteous and affable room clerk of the hotel at which I was stopping.
+He and his friends formed a nucleus of appreciation which more than
+compensated me for the barbed glances of one or two unwilling auditors
+dragged thither reluctantly, probably from more alluring indulgences in
+bridge or draw poker at their clubs. Both my heart and head expanded
+under the influence of their continuous enthusiasm, and my emotions of
+satisfaction were intensified when on my walk back to the hotel I heard
+the friendly room clerk, stalking just ahead of me, exclaiming
+enthusiastically:</p>
+
+<p>"Didn't I tell you he'd be good? By George! I read one of his books
+once, and I've wanted to see him ever since."</p>
+
+<p>It was all very nice, and I hugged the pleasant intimations of his
+remark to my breast all through my dreams that night. But the morning
+brought disillusionment, and a mighty poignant shaft entered into the
+soul of me. After eating my breakfast I stepped to the hotel desk to pay
+my bill, and was there beamingly greeted by the room clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mr. Bangs," said he, with outstretched<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[278]</a></span> hand, "that was a fine
+talk you gave us last night, and I enjoyed every minute of it. But I
+knew it would be good."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you," said I, my chest expanding a bit.</p>
+
+<p>"I've only read one of your books," he went on; "but it gave me a lead
+on you. I don't want to flatter you, but&mdash;well, <i>it was the funniest
+book I ever read</i>, and I've been wondering if you would write your
+autograph in it for me."</p>
+
+<p>"Surely," said I, not only willing to please him, but quite anxious to
+see which of my books it was that had filled him with such enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>"I have it here," said he, taking the volume out of a drawer.</p>
+
+<p>"Good!" said I. "Let's have it."</p>
+
+<p>He handed it to me, and I glanced at it. <i>It was a copy of Jerome K.
+Jerome's "Three Men in a Boat, not to Mention the Dog!"</i></p>
+
+<p>"No flattery at all," said I, my growing conceit falling back to par.
+"I'm glad you like it."</p>
+
+<p>And then for the first and only time in my life I committed forgery. I
+took the book to a writing table near at hand, and inscribed the flyleaf
+with "Appreciatively yours, Jerome K. Jerome." And<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[279]</a></span> as I left the hotel
+the last sight that greeted my eyes was my kindly deputy assistant host
+studying that inscription with a look of extreme bewilderment on his
+screwed-up countenance.</p>
+
+<p>Apropos of this incident it is rather curious how frequently my name and
+that of Jerome K. Jerome have been confounded. I have always considered
+it a compliment, and I sincerely hope Jerome himself will not mind it. I
+suppose the identity of our initials J. K. is responsible for it, and
+possibly the fact also that Jerome's "Three Men in a Boat" and my own
+"House-Boat on the Styx" were published at about the same time. One of
+the most amusing incidents based upon this confusion of identity
+occurred in California last spring. I was spending Easter Sunday at that
+remarkable hostelry, the Mission Inn at Riverside, feeling that in some
+way despite of my desserts I had got into heaven, and quite convinced
+that I could stand an eternity of it if the particular atmosphere of
+that wonderful Sunday were typical of life there. The inspiring Easter
+sunrise service on Mount Rubidaux was over, and I was resting
+comfortably in the office when a young woman paused at my side, and
+said,</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[280]</a></span>"You
+will excuse me for speaking to you, sir, but your face bothers me."</p>
+
+<p>"I am very sorry, Madame," said I, "but it has bothered me too for over
+fifty years."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I don't mean that way," she answered quickly. "I mean that I can't
+place it."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said I, trying to smile, "you really don't have to. It is
+already located."</p>
+
+<p>"But I don't know where I have seen it before," she pleaded.</p>
+
+<p>"Nor do I," said I, "but I think I can reassure you on that point.
+Knowing myself as I do I can assure you that it must have been in a
+perfectly respectable place."</p>
+
+<p>"I wish you would stop fooling," she retorted, a trifle impatiently. "I
+want to know who you are. You see I'm of a rather nervous temperament,
+and when I see a familiar face and cannot remember the name of the
+individual who&mdash;er&mdash;who goes with it, sometimes it keeps me awake all
+night."</p>
+
+<p>"It would be too bad to have that happen," said I, "and inasmuch as I am
+not at all ashamed of my name I shall be delighted to tell you what it
+is. It is Bangs&mdash;John Kendrick Bangs."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[281]</a></span>"Oh&mdash;I know,"
+she cried, her perplexity fading away, "You are the man who wrote 'Three Men in a
+Boat.'"</p>
+
+<p>And the dear lady seemed to be so pleased over the honor of meeting so
+distinguished an author that I really hadn't the heart to undeceive her.</p>
+
+<p>I have always thought of my young friend the room-clerk far more kindly
+than of another New Jersey host whose airy nonchalance in what was to me
+a moment of some seriousness struck me as being almost arctic in its
+frigid non-acceptance of responsibility for untoward conditions. I had
+put up overnight in his jerry-built hostelry, and all had gone well
+until breakfast time. I was seated at table enjoying my frugal repast,
+when without warning from anybody I found myself the sudden recipient of
+a heavy blow on the top of my head, and upon emerging from the rather
+dazed psychological condition in which the blow left me discovered that
+I was covered from head to foot with plaster, and that my poor but
+honest poached egg had become a scrambled one, mixed with the impalpable
+dust of a shattered bit of molding.</p>
+
+<p>A glance heavenward showed whence my trouble had come. A section of the
+ceiling about four<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[282]</a></span> feet square had come loose, and had landed upon me.
+I could think of no better way to voice my protest against such an
+intolerable intrusion upon my rights of privacy at mealtimes than by
+giving the hotel manager an object lesson then and there of what was
+going on under his roof. So I rose from the table and walked directly to
+the office just as I was.</p>
+
+<p>"Great Scott!" said my host, as I loomed up before him like a glorified
+ash heap. "What's happened to you?"</p>
+
+<p>"A part of your condemned old ceiling has fallen on me, that's what!" I
+sputtered somewhat wrathfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that's it, eh?" he replied, with a smiling grace which I hardly
+appreciated at the time. "Well, we don't do that for everybody, Mr.
+Bangs," he added; "<i>but seeing it's you we won't make any extra
+charge</i>."</p>
+
+<p>I thanked him for his consideration. "I'd like to buy this hotel," I
+added.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it's for sale," said he. "Like to run it yourself?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said I. "I thought it might be some fun to buy a Panama fan and
+blow it down.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[283]</a></span>"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs28.jpg" width="263" height="500" alt="&quot;I was the sudden recipient of a blow on
+top of my head.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;I was the sudden recipient of a blow on
+top of my head.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>With which we parted forever. I have returned to the gentleman's
+bailiwick several times since; but never again have I entered the
+portals of that hostelry, for fear that by the careless dropping of my
+tooth-brush or a cake of soap I might cause the complete collapse of the
+structure, with the possible destruction of innocent lives; though if I
+were assured that in falling it would land only on that landlord's head
+I think I would willingly go out of my way to hire an a&euml;roplane some
+night and drop a pebble upon its roof from a height of three or four
+feet. This is not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[284]</a></span> so vindictive as it seems, either; for it would not
+hurt that landlord over-severely. You could drop a much heavier weight
+than that hotel upon any bit of solid ivory within reach without hurting
+the ivory unduly.</p>
+
+<p>A less sordid, and indeed wholly inspiring, incident along similar lines
+occurred three years ago at Georgetown, Texas, when on a terrific night
+in February, which I shall never forget, I stood for a few minutes face
+to face with what might have proved an appalling tragedy. As I look back
+upon the incident now it seems to me to have been at once the most
+thrilling, and at the same time the most stimulating, moment of my life.</p>
+
+<p>I had arrived at Georgetown early in the afternoon, and simultaneously
+with my coming&mdash;and, as some of my critics may intimate, possibly
+because of it&mdash;there arrived also one of those dreaded windstorms known
+in that section of the world as a norther. Perhaps the Texans are so
+used to these outbursts of Nature that they take them as all in the
+day's work; but to myself, unused to anything more boreally disturbing
+than an occasional nor'easter on the Maine Coast, it was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[285]</a></span> extremely
+disturbing. I did not dare walk on any of the sidewalks, fearing that
+the loudly rattling signboards of commerce might be precipitated upon
+me. One of the best liked literary friends of my younger days had passed
+from intellectual brilliance of a most promising sort into permanent
+mental darkness through the falling upon his head of a swinging sign in
+New York, and I had come to regard such possibilities with dread.</p>
+
+<p>The Muse and I consequently spent the afternoon indoors in a quivering
+but substantial and well kept hotel, whose courteous landladies neither
+the Muse nor I will ever fail to remember with affectionate esteem. As I
+rode in an omnibus to the lecture hall that night, I rejoiced in the
+heaviness of the vehicle, which otherwise must have been overturned by
+the heavy blasts to which it was subjected.</p>
+
+<p>When I reached the college I found the auditorium on the third floor of
+the main building in almost total darkness, the only light coming from
+an oil lamp standing on a piano at one end of the stage. The wind had
+put the electric lighting apparatus temporarily out of commission; but
+students were at work upon it, and I was assured<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[286]</a></span> that all would be well
+if I would defer my lecture for a little while. To this of course I
+consented; for, however pleasing it may be to talk to one person in the
+dark, there is no pleasure in addressing a multitude of people into
+whose eyes one is unable to look.</p>
+
+<p>After fifteen minutes of waiting the electric lights suddenly gleamed
+forth, and I was gratified to see before me an audience of substantial
+size, made up for the most part of students, with a fair proportion of
+the townspeople scattered about here and there. The college was a
+coeducational institution, and the boys and girls were in fair measure
+paired off in congenial fashion.</p>
+
+<p>With the restoration of the light the president of the college stepped
+to the front of the platform and presented me to the audience, after
+which I rose and approached the footlights to begin. But never a word
+was I permitted to speak; for as I started in the howling wind outside
+seemed to re-double in its fury and intensity. There came a sudden loud
+grinding and ripping sound, and a huge part of the roof was lifted
+bodily upward, and then dropped back with a crash. One heavy beam fell
+squarely in one of the aisles without<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[287]</a></span> injury to any one, though two
+feet off on either side it would have killed the occupants of the aisle
+seats, and from all parts of the great room big chunks of plaster and
+lathing fell in upon the audience.</p>
+
+<p>There was present every element of a tragedy of fearful proportions; but
+from that assembled multitude of young people came not even a scream,
+and on every side I saw stalwart young Texans of To-day and To-morrow
+rise up from their seats, and <i>lean over the girls sitting crouched in
+the chairs beside them, taking all the weight and woe of that falling
+ceiling upon their own manly shoulders</i>! It was a magnificent exhibition
+of readiness of resource, self-control, and unselfish chivalry. Almost
+instantly with the first shock the president of the college, with a
+calmness at which I still marvel, rose from the chair behind me and
+confronted the gathering.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, my young friends," said he, speaking with amazing rapidity, each
+word enunciated as incisively as though spoken with lips of chilled
+steel, "remember&mdash;this is one of the emergencies you are supposed to be
+trained to meet. There is no telling how serious this situation is; but
+let us<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[288]</a></span> have no panic. Rise and walk out quietly, and without too much
+haste."</p>
+
+<p>The youngsters rose and marched out of the hall in a fashion that would
+have delighted the soul of a martinet among drill masters, down three
+flights of stairs to the campus, silently, and without the slightest
+outward manifestation of the fear that must have been in the hearts of
+every one of them.</p>
+
+<p>There had appeared in one of America's best magazines only a few months
+previously a scathing arraignment of the young American of To-day, in
+which the girls were indicted as being frivolous, lacking in
+self-control, and full of selfishness, and the American boy was held up
+to public scorn as knowing naught of respect for authority, and wholly
+deficient in the quality of chivalry for which the youth of other times
+had been noted. I wished then and I wish now that the good lady who
+spoke so witheringly on that subject could have witnessed what I looked
+upon that night in Texas. I think she would have modified her utterance
+at least, if indeed she would not have changed her point of view
+completely. She would have made her assertions less sweeping, I am
+convinced; for she would have learned from that episode, as I have
+learned<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[289]</a></span> from my contact with the youth of this land, not only in Texas
+but elsewhere, that save for a superficial element, fortunately not very
+large, the American youth of to-day, boy or girl, is in the main a
+strong-fibered, self-controlled, unselfish, chivalrous product which
+would be a credit to any nation, anywhere, at any time, past, present,
+or future.</p>
+
+<p>In conclusion let me say that when I returned to Georgetown the
+following season to deliver my undelivered lecture I was introduced to
+practically the same audience as "the man who brought down the house
+without even opening his mouth."</p>
+
+<p>Which shows that not only are youthful chivalry and self-control not
+dead in Texas, but that American humor likewise is in flourishing
+condition in that truly imperial State of our Union.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[290]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="XV" id="XV"></a>XV</h2>
+
+<h3>EMERGENCIES</h3>
+
+
+<p>Quick thinking on and off the platform is quite essential to the
+happiness of the man on the road. The sniping fates are always after
+him, in small ways as well as in large, and he must keep himself in a
+state of constant readiness either to dodge their flying shafts, or with
+some suddenly devised shield of resourcefulness to render himself arrow
+proof.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes the successful warding off of a flying missile sped from the
+bow of some malign goddess of mischance becomes the making of the man,
+as in a case once reported to me by a gentleman in Montana when after my
+lecture at Billings he and I were laughing over the complete capture of
+my audience by a big gray tomcat that had entered the lists against me.
+This privileged creature had leaped into the chair immediately behind
+me, and begun massaging his face in true feline fashion, to the intense
+delight of a most amiable gathering.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[291]</a></span>I
+suppose that if I had known what
+was going on behind me, I should have tried to rise to the occasion on
+the spur of the moment; but not knowing it I read on, in blissful
+unconsciousness of the fact that a series of living pictures was
+flashing across the vision of my audience directly to the rear. The only
+sensation experienced at the time by my innocent self was one of supreme
+pleasure and satisfaction that my audience had at last awakened to the
+beauty of my discourse, and was manifesting in most gratifying fashion
+its appreciation of even the subtlest of my points. When at the close of
+the reading the real truth was revealed to me I merely smiled, and never
+for a moment let on that until the chairman spoke of the animal I had
+not suspected its presence.</p>
+
+<p>"We admired your composure, Mr. Bangs," said the chairman. "A good many
+men would have been rattled by such an intrusion as that; but you went
+right on without a break. In fact, if you don't mind my saying so, you
+were better after the cat than you were before he came."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, well," said I, "we have to get used to that sort of thing. The
+trained lecturer really ought<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[292]</a></span> to be able to go on even if a young
+earthquake were to fall upon him. Do you always try your lecturers on a
+cat?" I added.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I hadn't thought of it that way," he laughed; "but as a matter of
+fact we most generally do. That cat belongs to our janitor, and he's
+pretty sure to turn up somewhere during the evening. One year we had a
+man out here giving some recitations, and I tell you old Tom helped him
+out considerably. He was rolling along through some funny speech or
+other, when the cat jumped upon the platform, washed his face two or
+three times, scratched his ear for a minute, and then with his eye fixed
+on the audience he walked straight over the electric footlights to the
+other side of the stage and disappeared. The audience roared and the
+recitationist stopped, gazed with mock indignation at the people for a
+second or two, and then addressing me he said, '<i>Mr. Chairman, I
+understood that this was to be a monologue&mdash;not a catalogue</i>.' Of course
+it brought down the house, and ever since then that man has been about
+the most popular number our lecture course has ever had."</p>
+
+<p>As a standard of emergency repartee I am inclined<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[293]</a></span> to think this
+incident sets the high-water mark.</p>
+
+<p>The intrusion of four-footed creatures on the line of vision at lectures
+is unfortunately not rare. Lecturers have no terrors for mice and rats,
+and just as every hall is provided with a janitor, or janitrix, so is
+every caretaker provided with a cat, as a preventive of rodential
+troubles. I have got so used to their presence, however, that I no
+longer bother about them. As long as they leave me alone, and hold their
+tongues, I am content to have them disport themselves as they please, in
+the public eye or out of it. But a dog is another proposition
+altogether.</p>
+
+<p>Personally I like dogs better than I like cats; but for platform
+purposes I prefer the feline to the canine intrusion. One knows pretty
+well in advance what a cat will do; but a dog is a most uncertain
+quantity. The cat's attentions are likely to be general, or, if not,
+centered wholly upon his or her own toilet&mdash;washing her face, manicuring
+her ears, pursuing her tail&mdash;but the dog too frequently takes a direct
+personal interest in the chief performer of the occasion. And while I
+should never think of attributing critical faculties to any<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[294]</a></span> kind of
+dog, they sometimes have a way of expressing what might pass for
+opinions, worthy or unworthy, concerning the work in hand, in no
+uncertain tones.</p>
+
+<p>As evidence of this I recall an afternoon devoted not long since to the
+reading of one of Browning's exceedingly difficult masterpieces, in the
+presence of a number of ladies and one highly intelligent Irish terrier.
+The poem was Browning's "Christmas Eve and Easter Day," full of beauty
+and of inspired thought, but not easy reading, and requiring unusual
+concentration of mind to get out the full measure of its charm. My small
+audience was most appreciative, and as I approached the climacteric I
+was feeling tolerably well satisfied with the results, when this keenly
+critical terrier suddenly rose from his resting place, stationed himself
+deliberately before me, stretched himself until it almost seemed that
+one could hear his bones crack, and sent forth upon the mystery-laden
+atmosphere about as expressive a whining yawn as one might expect from
+the Seven Sleepers themselves, all rolled into one, and too early
+awakened from their slumbers&mdash;and there the "climacteric" rests to this
+day.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[295]</a></span>I
+never finished the reading, and what had been an hour of highly
+concentrated mysticism reached its sixtieth second in a wild roar of
+hilarious relief.</p>
+
+<p>A less comfortable moment involving a canine intruder occurred at
+Binghamton, New York, back in 1898, when I suffered the double intrusion
+of a secret society initiation going on overhead, which may or may not
+have been made interesting to the initiates by the presence of the
+proverbial goat, and the sudden appearance upon the stage of a huge
+bulldog of terrifying aspect.</p>
+
+<p>Above me was every indication, in sound at least, of a wild creature
+"abounding and abutting" upon the whole length of the superimposed
+floor, accompanied by muffled yells, presumably from the despairing
+throats of brothers elect. But this was as nothing in its effect upon my
+peace of mind to the sudden development of that bulldog in our midst. He
+came in through the open door of the hall, and walked deliberately down
+the center aisle, and thence up the steps to the platform whereon I was
+engaged in the pleasing occupation of "Reading from My Own Works."
+Bright as I had fondly hoped these works would be thought,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[296]</a></span> they
+immediately went dark in the face of that undershot jaw with its
+gleaming white teeth, the drooling lip, and the eager, curious eye on
+each side of the squat nose, fixed intently upon my quaking self.
+Whether I continued to read or merely extemporized I do not now
+recall&mdash;in fact, I really never knew&mdash;I simply know that I continued to
+make sounds with my vocal organs, one eye on the pages of my book, the
+other glued to the lower jaw of the intruder.</p>
+
+<p>The latter, after satisfying his visual perceptions as to my superficial
+virtues and defects, seemed to find it necessary to satisfy also some
+inward nasal craving to settle certain lingering doubts in his mind as
+to my right to be where he found me, and to that end he proceeded to
+place his squat nose hard up against the calf of my leg, and to sniff
+vigorously.</p>
+
+<p>By what strange mercy it was that I did not kick him, then and there,
+with results that I hesitate even now to dwell upon, I don't know. The
+supremely important facts are that I did not kick him, but droned
+quaveringly on through my work, and soon learned happily from a scarcely
+suppressed snort that he considered me too contemptible<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[297]</a></span> for further
+attention. He departed, going out as he had come, through the open
+doorway, and left me again in control of the situation, if not wholly of
+myself. When he had completely faded into the outer darkness I paused
+and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Ladies and Gentlemen, I appreciate deeply your tribute of regard; but
+let me tell you frankly that I prefer flowers, even vegetables, to
+bulldogs. If you have any further four-footed tokens of your esteem in
+store for me, I beg that you will send them by special messenger to my
+office in New York, or by mail to my residence in Yonkers, the address
+of which you may secure from the chairman on your way out of the hall at
+the conclusion of my reading."</p>
+
+<p>The ultimate results of this incident were far from happy. I naturally
+told the story, together with some other amusing details of my visit to
+Binghamton, to friends at my club later, not any more in confidence than
+they are related here, and as good-naturedly as their diverting quality
+rendered appropriate; and the fact that I had done so coming to certain
+Binghamtonian ears, I was placarded in one of the Binghamton papers as
+being "no gentleman," "an ungrateful guest,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[298]</a></span> and so on, <i>ad lib.</i>, in
+consequence of which Binghamton and I no longer speak as we pass by.</p>
+
+<p>For this I am sincerely sorry, but none the less must rest content. I do
+not think I should care to return there even if I were asked, for fear
+that in pursuance of their system of tribute they might try my courage
+upon the lineal descendant of that goat above stairs, or possibly upon
+some actively inclined bull, playfully unleashed in my vicinity as a
+test of my composure if not of my good manners.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/gs29.jpg" width="340" height="500" alt="&quot;A craving to settle lingering doubts as to my right to
+be there.&quot;" title="" />
+<br />
+<span class="caption">&quot;A craving to settle lingering doubts as to my right to
+be there.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The minor matter of dress is frequently the cause of emergency calls for
+help from embarrassed lyceumites, and to get out of predicaments in
+which mistakes of packing under the pressure of hurry place us sometimes
+taxes our resources to the uttermost. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle once told<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[299]</a></span>
+me of an amusing complication along these lines by which he was
+confronted in a New Jersey community, whither he had gone to dine with
+and address the students of a famous school.</p>
+
+<p>On his arrival at the scene of action Dr. Doyle, as he was then known,
+discovered to his dismay that in the hurried packing of his suitcase he
+had forgotten to put in his evening coat. Everything else was there; but
+his swallowtail was missing. Now Sir Arthur is not only a distinguished
+novelist and story writer, but is a particularly punctilious and
+tactfully courteous gentleman as well; and, having heard stories of
+other Britons coming to this country and attending functions given in
+their honor in tweeds, as if we Americans knew nothing of the niceties
+of dress, was careful always to avoid giving offense himself by similar
+vagaries. So, rather than seem contemptuous of the conventionalities on
+this occasion, the doctor pleaded a headache as his excuse for not
+appearing at dinner, and in the interval of time thus gained transformed
+his blue serge traveling coat into a perfectly good dinner jacket, or
+Tuxedo, as some do call it, with properly rolling lapels, by cutting off
+the buttons and rolling the front of his coat back<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[300]</a></span> into a broad lapel
+effect; pressing the resulting garment into stayable shape by putting it
+between the mattresses of his bed, and lying on them for an hour.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot say that I have ever found myself master of any such wonderful
+ingenuity when face to face with a similar predicament; but in Austin,
+Texas, two years ago I suffered from a condition that for the time being
+seemed quite as poignantly distressing.</p>
+
+<p>My trunk had been despatched from San Antonio to Houston, and I was
+"living in my suitcase." With only twenty-five minutes to spare before I
+was due upon the platform, I found myself without shirt studs, and at
+the moment without anything at hand to use as an acceptable substitute.
+A hurried visit to the main street and some of its tributaries divulged
+nothing in the nature of a haberdashery or a jeweler's shop that had not
+been closed for the night.</p>
+
+<p>I was in a terrific quandary; but the Only Muse, always a resourceful
+person, reminded me of Oliver Herford's expedient many years before in
+using in a similar emergency a set of brass-headed manuscript fasteners.
+Fortunately I had with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[301]</a></span> me several bits of manuscript that were held
+together by these useful little contrivances&mdash;small pieces of metal with
+shining brass caps, backed by flexible flanges to hold the caps in
+place. These were inserted in the buttonholes of my shirt in most
+satisfactory fashion, and in a few moments as far as externals were
+concerned I presented as goodly an appearance as any man rejoicing in
+the effulgent glory of three lustrously golden studs.</p>
+
+<p>With a sigh of relief I then turned to put on my white waistcoat, only
+to discover, alas! that that too was missing, nor was there any sign
+anywhere of any other kind of vest that could do duty convincingly, or
+even acceptably, with a claw-hammer coat. Again I flew precipitately
+down the stairs, this time to the kindly room clerk in the hotel office.
+I explained my predicament to him in a few well chosen words, ending up
+with:</p>
+
+<p>"Haven't you a white vest you can lend me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly I have," said he, and together we repaired to his room in
+quest of the needed garment. He soon found it, and I returned rejoicing
+to my room, the treasure hugged tightly to my breast; but when I came to
+try it on I discovered, what I had overlooked in the agitation of the
+moment,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[302]</a></span> <i>that as eight is to thirty-two, so was the room clerk's fa&ccedil;ade
+to mine</i>! I could get into the vest; but no compressor ever yet invented
+could so adjust my physical proportions to the garment that it would
+come within four inches of meeting in front.</p>
+
+<p>"What the deuce am I going to do?" I cried, sinking into a chair in
+despair.</p>
+
+<p>"Slit it up the back, and I'll pin it on you," suggested the ever-ready
+Muse.</p>
+
+<p>"But it isn't mine," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Buy it," said she.</p>
+
+<p>In an instant I had the room clerk on the telephone. "Will you sell me
+that vest?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;no," he said. "I don't want to sell it."</p>
+
+<p>"But I need it in my business," I pleaded.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you've got it, haven't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I've got it all right," I replied; "<i>but I can't get into it
+without putting a yard of extra width in the back</i>. Come on&mdash;be a good
+fellow and sell it to me," I added with all the pathos that I could
+summon.</p>
+
+<p>"No," he answered with a chuckle, "no&mdash;I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[303]</a></span> couldn't sell it to you; <i>but
+I'll give it to you with all the pleasure in the world</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>In this fashion was the emergency met, and I went out before my audience
+that night on time in improvised raiment pinned on to my person, "a
+thing of shreds and patches," and blazoning as to my shirt-front with
+all the resplendent gilt of three brass tacks, all of which brought
+vividly to my mind the words of Antonio in "The Merchant of Venice":</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>It may seem to the casual observer that such matters as shirt studs and
+white waistcoats are of too slight importance to worry a speaker; but a
+"whole date" was once saved to me by the fact that I wore a high silk
+hat, which caused a kindly livery-stable keeper to drive me eighteen
+miles from a stranded railway train through a blizzard to the town of my
+destination, because he judged from my hat that <i>I was a member of a
+favorite minstrel troupe that was to perform there the same night</i>. When
+he discovered that I was only one of "them lecture fellers," for whose
+free tickets he had no use, he was terribly disappointed.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[304]</a></span>Anyhow, an
+audience likes a man to be wholly himself, and cares little for a
+speaker who modifies his dress according to his ideas of how they wish
+him to look. A popular and prominent candidate for Governor of New York
+once lost a large number of votes that might have elected him because in
+addressing a gathering of workingmen at an East Side rally, the night
+being insufferably hot, he took off his coat and collar, and spoke to
+them in his shirt sleeves. The men were deeply offended. They
+significantly asked if he would have taken off his coat in the presence
+of a fashionable uptown audience, and would have none of his presumed
+assumption that they were any less worthy of his respect, or careful of
+their own dignity, than his so-called smarter, better-class people.</p>
+
+<p>I have always found the full evening dress and high collar of an effete
+civilization wholly comfortable, and wear them accordingly wherever I
+lecture, whether it be in the rarefied social atmosphere of high
+academic circles, or in a mining camp where there dwell possibly
+rougher, but none the less genuine, human folk. I think that in the
+latter environment indeed it is a positive aid to success to do so; for
+there can be no doubt that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[305]</a></span> reduced to its essentials the evening dress
+of the modern male creature is really a funny thing, and in an evening
+devoted somewhat to humor any element that is in even the least degree
+mirth-provoking does not come amiss.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps the most overpowering sense of being confronted by an emergency
+came to me again back in 1898 out of an experience that turned out to be
+critical only in my own imaginings. Most of our troubles are, I fancy,
+imaginary&mdash;purely psychological, as the modern phrase has it&mdash;but while
+they are on they are none the less acute for all that. On the occasion
+of which I write, at a more than feverish moment in our relations with
+Spain and Cuba, I was summoned to lecture at the attractive little port
+of Brunswick, Georgia. It was here, by the way, that I first had the
+pleasure of seeing my name on a hotel bill of fare, which in the
+platform world is the height of fame, just as in the theatrical world it
+is the acme of distinction for a star to see his name pasted on an ash
+barrel, or spread across the hoardings of a ten-acre lot full of tin
+cans and other undesirable bric-&agrave;-brac. They had me down on the supper
+bill among the hot breads, somewhat like this:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[306]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="center">
+HOT BREAD<br />
+Tea Biscuit. Corn Muffins. Graham Gems.<br />
+Popovers.<br />
+John Kendrick Bangs, Casino, To-night.</p>
+
+<p>But that was not the Emergent Moment of which I would speak. This came
+later, at the conclusion of my lecture, when a young man who in the dim
+light of the street was scarcely perceptible, intercepted me as I left
+the hall.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Bangs," said he, "I have come here from Captain Maguffy of the
+<i>Samuel J. Taylor</i>, to present his compliments to the skipper of the
+'House-Boat on the Styx.' The captain was detained from your lecture
+to-night, to his very great regret; but he wishes you would drop all
+formality and join him at supper."</p>
+
+<p>Knowing neither Captain Maguffy (the name is a substitute for the real
+one) nor his ambassador, I thanked the latter, saying that while I was
+grateful for his courtesy I was really very tired, had much work ahead
+of me, and begged to be excused.</p>
+
+<p>"The captain never takes no for an answer," persisted the young man. "He
+will be terribly disappointed if you don't come, and as a matter<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[307]</a></span> of
+fact, counting surely upon your good fellowship, he has made special
+preparations for you."</p>
+
+<p>Unfortunately&mdash;or fortunately, as it later turned out&mdash;among other
+serious defects in my education I have never been taught the firmer uses
+of the negative. I have never been able to say no to anybody as if I
+really meant it, and it has involved me in more difficulties than I care
+to record here or elsewhere. In any event, my regrets growing fainter
+and fainter, and Captain Maguffy's ambassador's insistence more and more
+marked, the sum total of some thirty-two negatives soon developed into
+one positive affirmative.</p>
+
+<p>"All right," I said finally, "I'll run in on the captain; but only for a
+moment, just long enough to shake hands, say howdido, and get back to
+bed. I must be in bed by midnight as a matter of principle."</p>
+
+<p>The ambassador thereupon assisted me into one of those indescribable
+one-horse "shays" that seem to sprout in the vicinity of Southern
+railway stations and hotels about as lushly as mint in the patches of
+the Carolinas. I used to think when I was a resident of Yonkers that the
+Hudson River Valley was a sort of hack heaven, whither all sorts<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[308]</a></span> of
+deceased vehicles went when they died; but several tours of the South
+since have convinced me that that idea was mere presumption on my part.
+The South, as well as the Hudson River Valley, fairly burgeons with
+vehicular antiques that would delight the soul of an arch&aelig;ologist
+anxious to find the connecting link between the carriages of the C&aelig;sars
+and those of Andrew Jackson and his successors up to the merry days of
+Hayes.</p>
+
+<p>The particular rattledy-bang old combination of wabbling wheels and
+hair-erupting cushions into which I was ushered was drawn by a white
+horse, and driven by a colored man. The horse was so very white that it
+could hardly be seen on the white coquina roads, and the negro was so
+black that he was equally imperceptible against the background of the
+night; so that I seemed to be floating through the night enjoying
+sensations similar to those of a man on his first journey in an
+a&euml;roplane. The whole effect was eery in the extreme, especially as we
+drove and drove and drove, and floated and floated and floated, without
+apparently getting anywhere.</p>
+
+<p>Then, of a sudden, I became terribly uneasy. The thought flashed through
+my mind, "Why,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[309]</a></span> here you are, all alone, after ten o'clock at night, in
+a strange country, going to see a man you never heard of before, in
+company of an individual whose name you haven't asked, and whose face
+you have seen only dimly in the dark! You are known to have several
+hundred dollars in your pocket, and nobody under Heaven but yourself and
+your companion knows where you are, or in what kind of company." It
+really seemed time for a diplomatic "hedge."</p>
+
+<p>"Where is Captain Maguffy's house?" I inquired as a starter, after we
+had driven for an overlong time.</p>
+
+<p>"Newark, New Jersey," was the consoling reply, but soberly made.</p>
+
+<p>"Well&mdash;I don't feel equal to a drive that far," I said dryly. "I
+supposed when I accepted this invitation that your captain was living
+around the corner somewhere."</p>
+
+<p>"No," said my companion. "<i>He's aboard his boat&mdash;the Samuel J. Taylor.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"His boat?" I cried. "Oh, come now, my friend&mdash;if I'd known that&mdash;well,
+really, I think we'd better turn back."</p>
+
+<p>"Not now," said he. "We're almost there."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[310]</a></span>"But
+why doesn't the captain
+keep his boat closer to civilization?" I queried. "Isn't there room for
+him closer to town?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, there's plenty of room closer to town," replied my strange
+acquaintance, "but the captain prefers to be closer to the sea in case
+he needs to make a quick get-away. He and the government aren't on the
+best of terms. Between you and me, he's <i>doing a little stunt in
+filibustering</i>, and the folks up at Washington are getting suspicious."</p>
+
+<p>My heart sank into my boots and then rebounded to my throat. "You should
+have told me all this before we started," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I should have," said he; "but&mdash;well, I was afraid if I did you
+wouldn't come, and the captain told me not to come back without you.
+What he says goes with me."</p>
+
+<p>I could think of only one word. The simple term <i>kidnapped</i> flashed
+across my mind, and then the pleasing little phrase, so nice for a
+headline, <i>Held for Ransom</i>, burned itself into my nerve. The beating of
+my heart sounded like the muffled tread of that invisible steed ahead on
+the coquina road. I glanced out of the chaise to see what my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[311]</a></span> chances of
+escape might be in case I made a break for liberty, and saw off to the
+right of me the lines of a rotting pierhead, and the towering masts of a
+huge schooner that was moored to its decaying piling. At the inner end
+of the pier was a white-washed shed. Everything in sight except the
+driver, the chaise, and my future looked white&mdash;a ghastly, ghostly white
+that made me think of all the tales of horrid spooks I had ever heard.
+Here the carriage came to a sudden halt, and a tall black figure loomed
+up from behind the shed.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Did you get him?</i>" came a deep bass voice out of the night.</p>
+
+<p>"You betcha!" was the reply from my companion.</p>
+
+<p>I descended from the carriage, and my conductor led the way along the
+rotting stringpiece of the pier, a little more than a foot wide, the
+chill waters of St. Simon's Sound lapping about six feet below on each
+side, and the dark figure from behind the shed immediately to the rear.
+I was completely a captive. A moment later we came to a narrow gangplank
+leading to the broad, holy-stoned deck of the schooner, in the fore part
+of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[312]</a></span> which was an open hatchway, out of which there streamed a steady
+shaft of yellow light.</p>
+
+<p>"Down this way, please," said my companion as we reached the hatchway.</p>
+
+<p>Tremulously I followed him down the steps, and in a moment found
+myself&mdash;in the prettiest, daintiest, little, white and gold parlor one
+could have hoped to find anywhere outside of a mansion designed for a
+Marie Antoinette, or a Madame de Maintenon! Everywhere was gold and
+white&mdash;chairs, walls, table&mdash;and set in the panels of the walls (built
+in) were a half-dozen exquisite little water-color paintings, all in
+most perfect keeping with the general color scheme of the room; and on
+each side of a door leading to an adjoining apartment, impassive as two
+bits of sculpture, stood two negroes of gigantic size, not an inch under
+six feet in height&mdash;two veritable genii out of the pages of the Arabian
+Nights, but clad in blue flannel coats with brass buttons, white duck
+trousers, and glazed white hats with black vizors.</p>
+
+<p>It was really a wonderful picture; but I had hardly had time to take it
+in when from behind me again the bass voice of the figure behind the
+shed broke upon my hearing.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[313]</a></span>"Welcome, O Skipper of the Stygian House
+Boat, to the <i>Samuel J. Taylor</i>!" it said, and quickly turning I found
+myself gazing into the dark, flashing eyes of my host. If the white and
+gold cabin had amazed me, the captain completely took my breath away. He
+looked as if he had just come in from a five o'clock tea on Fifth
+avenue&mdash;frock coat, dark gray trousers, all of perfect fit, white
+waistcoat, lavender tie with an exquisite pearl pin stuck carelessly
+into its soft folds, and in his hand the very latest thing in imported
+high silk hats! He was the beau ideal of your conventional gentleman of
+society. As I have said, I was breathless, and consequently speechless,
+for a moment; but I did manage at the end of a few seconds to blurt out:</p>
+
+<p>"Am I&mdash;am I awake, Captain?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well&mdash;if you're not, we've plenty of room and time for you to sleep it
+out," he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"But this cabin&mdash;this saloon&mdash;these&mdash;these water colors!" I went on.</p>
+
+<p>"A little fancy of my wife's," said mine host. "She fitted it all up
+herself. The water colors, by the way, are all her own work. Rather
+nice, I think. She was a pupil of a fellow Centurion of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[314]</a></span> yours, Mr.
+----." Here he mentioned one of our famous artists, a member of my club,
+and a painter of rare distinction.</p>
+
+<p>My desire to get away had become less keen; but I deemed it wise
+nevertheless to make the effort. I still needed some reassurance as to
+my safety.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Captain," said I, "it has been a pleasure to meet you, and I hate
+to run; but I have had a hard day of it, and I'm very tired. I have come
+just to shake hands with you and say howdido, before turning in for the
+night."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, you mustn't go until you have broken bread with me," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"I told him he could be in bed by twelve if he wanted to," interposed my
+conductor.</p>
+
+<p>"All right," said the captain. "We'll live up to your promise. You may
+serve the supper at once," he added, turning to the two genii at the
+door, who had not stirred a muscle through the whole conversation.</p>
+
+<p>Then began the service of a supper in which for the first time I tasted
+the joys of alligator pears, the sweets of real grapefruit made into
+salad, the full possibilities of Moro crabs &agrave; la Newburg, alongside of
+which even my beloved Maine lobsters<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[315]</a></span> are dull and dreary reptiles, and
+of many other delightful edibles as well, with my choice of a liquid
+refreshment as if from the cellar of a Lucullus&mdash;and through it all the
+captain talked.</p>
+
+<p>He told me of his interest in the Cuban struggle for independence; how
+he had gone first to Havana as correspondent for an American newspaper
+with a decided leaning toward Spanish interests; how he had resigned
+rather than write the kind of material his chiefs demanded.</p>
+
+<p>He told me then how he had at last decided to help the Cuban cause with
+arms, and with what money he had; how he had chartered this lumber
+schooner and gone ostensibly into the lumber business to cover his real
+activities; and how every time he set out from Brunswick laden with
+lumber consigned to some other port he always took time to run over to
+Cuban waters, and carry weapons and ammunition to the insurgents.</p>
+
+<p>"And what has Uncle Sam had to say to all these activities?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"He's getting a little suspicious," laughed the captain. "Once I thought
+he'd got me, too. I had a thousand rifles and ten thousand rounds of
+ammunition in hand for the boys, the other day<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[316]</a></span> and while I was being
+towed out to sea by a tug the <i>Vesuvius</i>, which had been watching me for
+several days, fired a shot across my bows and stopped me. They sent a
+search party aboard&mdash;and I tell you, sir, they were a mighty thorough
+lot! There wasn't a nook or cranny of the <i>Samuel J. Taylor</i> those
+fellows didn't turn inside out. Not an inch from topmast to keel escaped
+the official eye; but they found nothing, and I was allowed to go on."</p>
+
+<p>"But how," said I, "did you manage to conceal the stuff?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that was simple," laughed the captain. "They went through the
+<i>Samuel J. Taylor</i> with a fine-tooth comb; <i>but they forgot to search
+the tug</i>. We transferred the guns later, and forty-eight hours afterward
+they were in the hands of the Cubans."</p>
+
+<p>It was five o'clock in the morning when Captain Maguffy delivered me at
+my hotel.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-by, Captain," said I. "For a few moments I was afraid you were
+going to kidnap me&mdash;and now, by George! <i>my only regret is that you
+didn't</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>He laughed heartily. "Well," he said, "if you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[317]</a></span> really mean that, come
+back on board. <i>I think it can be arranged.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>But freedom was too sweet, and besides I had to make my living; so I
+reluctantly bade the captain good morning, and have thought of him
+affectionately ever since.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[318]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="XVI" id="XVI"></a>XVI</h2>
+
+<h3>A PIONEER MANAGER</h3>
+
+
+<p>No record made by a grateful pen of the joys and trials of the lecture
+platform could be complete without some reference to the spiritual
+benefits made possible by the profession of "Gad and Gab," as Mr.
+Strickland Gillilan, the astute author of "Off Ag'in, On Ag'in,
+Finnigin," himself a happy worker in the vineyard of peripatetic
+eloquence, calls it, in the matter of friendships. Both as a producer
+and as a consumer of the platform product I have been the beneficiary of
+many friendships and acquaintances that I now hold among the cherished
+memories of my professional life. As I think of them now they rush in
+upon me with such tidal force that I find myself unable for lack of
+space to treat of them in this volume, and they must be left for other
+pages. And yet in the light of grateful reasoning it becomes clear that
+I should not close this portion of my story without<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[319]</a></span> some reference to
+one splendid soul, to whom primarily I owe all the happiness in this
+line of human effort that it has been my privilege and my blessing to
+enjoy, James B. Pond&mdash;the good old major, who during his long and busy
+career as an organizer and manager was guide, mentor, and friend, always
+faithful, always true, to the Man on the Platform. He was a big man in
+every way, physically as well as spiritually. The only misfit about him,
+if there were any, perhaps was in the size of his heart, which was, I
+suspect, too large even for his gigantic frame. If any man was ever born
+to be a pioneer in any kind of human endeavor requiring tenacity of
+purpose, scrupulous integrity, courage in the face of trial, tolerance
+of the shortcomings of others, and a dogged insistence upon "quality,"
+that man was Major Pond, and he looked it.</p>
+
+<p>If I were a painter, and wanted a model for one of those sturdy
+Americans who were not afraid of anything, and went out into the wilds
+of a new and dangerous country with all the zest of a boy on the trail
+of a fox, to hew by main strength a way that civilization might follow
+in his train, I should seek no further than that huge, strengthful<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[320]</a></span>
+figure, massive, graceful even in its ungainliness, surmounted by the
+frank, vigorous, hewn face that from its deep-set eyes flashed
+determination and kindliness always. Somehow or other Major Pond always
+made me think of the days of Forty-nine, and when he first dawned, or I
+should perhaps better say loomed, on the horizon of my life, I began
+first to sense the smallness of a mere library as a world in which to
+live, and to think of those vast, remoter stretches where men did not
+read and write romances, but lived them.</p>
+
+<p>My first contact with Major Pond was as a consumer of the things he had
+to sell, and I came soon to learn that the stamp of his approval was the
+hallmark of excellence. The major's imprint upon a circular was enough
+for me, and in several years of our relation as buyer and seller he
+never failed me; and the merest cursory glance at the list of men and
+women for whom he stood sponsor in the lyceum field shows why. It was a
+marvelous galaxy of humans, many of them now passed imperishably into
+the pages of history, for whom the major did yeoman service in this
+country, beginning with Wendell Phillips, Charles Sumner, and Henry Ward
+Beecher, and ending with Matthew<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[321]</a></span> Arnold, Henry M. Stanley, Julia Ward
+Howe and that Prince among men, the never-to-be-forgotten John Watson,
+dear to the hearts of readers everywhere as Ian Maclaren.</p>
+
+<p>The service of the manager of the Major Pond type was not a mere
+perfunctory business service only, but was of a more or less intimate
+personal nature as well. The major was not content to make a booking for
+a celebrity at some distant, well nigh inaccessible point, and then
+shoot him out into the dark unknown to take care of himself, and get
+along as best he might. On the contrary, he went along himself when he
+could, and what hardships were to be faced he shared, and those that
+might be staved off by a little kindly care and foresight he shielded
+his people from. It was thus that he built up not only the most notable
+list of lecturers the world has yet known, but at the same time
+surrounded himself with a circle of gallant friends, who came to think
+of him with rare affection.</p>
+
+<p>This intimate personal contact with men of unusual distinction gave him
+a fund of reminiscence that was a never-failing source of delight to his
+friends. To Mr. Gladstone, Pond's stories were<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[322]</a></span> so tremendously
+appealing that during one of the major's visits to London the great
+British statesman requested permission to have a stenographer take them
+down just as they fell from the lips of the picturesque old American.
+Concerning Henry Ward Beecher and Mark Twain the major could talk
+forever, and the little sidelights his fund of anecdote concerning them
+cast upon the personality of these two men were invariably appealing.</p>
+
+<p>Worn by the nervous strain of a hard bit of lecturing before the major's
+own friends and neighbors one night many years ago, I was privileged to
+sit and gather refreshment and peace of mind in the joy of one of the
+major's reminiscent monologues lasting well into the early hours of the
+morning, with which he regaled me upon my return to his hospitable
+house. I was unhappily conscious of not having done my work particularly
+well that night&mdash;in fact I had had to lecture from a manuscript, which
+is always fatiguing both to speaker and to audience, and I hardly dared
+ask the major what he thought of my performance&mdash;but after awhile in his
+fatherly way he broached the subject himself.</p>
+
+<p>"It was a good lecture, Bangs," he said, "and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[323]</a></span> some day, maybe, <i>you
+will find time to make it shorter</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"What is a good lecture, Major, anyhow?" I asked, hoping that from such
+an authority as he must by now have become I should get some clue to a
+possible short cut, if not to success, at least away from failure.</p>
+
+<p>He threw himself back in his chair and laughed. "That reminds me,
+Bangs," said he. "Maybe you'd like to know what Horace Greeley
+considered a good lecture&mdash;at any rate it is the only answer to your
+question that I know. Greeley and Henry Ward Beecher and I were on our
+way to Boston once, and as we passed through Bridgeport, Connecticut,
+Greeley, glancing out of the car window, said, 'Hello, here's
+Bridgeport, the home of P. T. Barnum! Nice town, Beecher. I gave a
+successful lecture here once.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What do you call a successful lecture, Greeley?' asked Mr. Beecher.</p>
+
+<p>"'Why,' said Greeley, '<i>a successful lecture is where more people stay
+in than go out</i>.'"</p>
+
+<p>As for the major's relations with Mark Twain, there was always so much
+of the spirit of pranksome boyhood in them both that their days
+to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[324]</a></span>gether, when Clemens was so bravely working to clear off the
+indebtedness of the publishing house that he had unnecessarily but
+chivalrously assumed as his own, must have been something of a romp,
+despite the unquestioned hardships of such persistent travel.</p>
+
+<p>As a specimen of the playful spirit in which the two men went at their
+work I recall a story told me that night by the major of how in a far
+western State, owing to a delayed train, they were kept waiting on a
+railway station platform for several hours.</p>
+
+<p>"Look here, Pond!" said Clemens after much dreary waiting. "You may not
+know it, but this is a violation of our contract. You agreed to keep me
+traveling, and this ain't traveling: it's just nothing but pure, cussed
+condemned loafing!"</p>
+
+<p>"All right, Mark," said the major. "Just a second and I'll fix you out."</p>
+
+<p>The major walked up to the end of the platform, where there was an empty
+baggage truck standing in front of the baggage room door. This he pushed
+along to where Clemens was standing, and then picking the humorist up in
+his arms he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[325]</a></span> put him on board the truck and wheeled him up and down the
+platform, to the astonishment of the gathered natives, until the train
+came in, thus filling his contract to the letter, as was his invariable
+custom.</p>
+
+<p>Nor shall I ever forget the major's delightful characterization of the
+platform work of Matthew Arnold.</p>
+
+<p>"Arnold spoke from a manuscript," said he. "It was a printed affair,
+done in large letters on ordinary cap paper, and bound up in a
+portfolio. This he insisted on having on an easel at his right hand.
+After bowing to his audience he would fasten his eyes on the manuscript
+and then turn and recite a sentence from it to the people in front. Then
+he would go back to the manuscript again, corral another sentence, and
+recite that. <i>And so it went to the end of the show&mdash;and all in a voice
+that nobody could hear!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>The major paused a moment, and chuckled.</p>
+
+<p>"General and Mrs. Grant attended the first Arnold lecture at Chickering
+Hall," he said. "The place was packed; but I got them seats, well back,
+but the best there were. After Arnold's lips had been moving without a
+sign of a word that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[326]</a></span> anybody could hear for ten or fifteen minutes the
+General turned to Mrs. Grant and said, 'Well, my dear, we've <i>seen</i> the
+British Lion at least; but inasmuch as we cannot hear him roar I guess
+we'd better go home!' Grant was known as the silent man," continued the
+major; "but Arnold gave him a pointer on how a man could be silent and
+talking at the same time."</p>
+
+<p>The major was a great believer in the value of Author's Readings by what
+he used to call "running mates,"&mdash;teams, as the vaudevillains have it.
+He had had great success with such combinations as Mark Twain and George
+W. Cable, Thomas Nelson Page and F. Hopkinson Smith, and Bill Nye and
+James Whitcomb Riley. Trotting in double harness had proved in these
+cases most profitable for everybody concerned, and the major was
+constantly in search of new alliances. How his ordinarily sane judgment
+ever came to be warped to such point that he could think of me in such a
+connection I cannot even pretend to surmise; but it did happen that in
+the mid-nineties of the last century he began singing a siren song in my
+ears, to which in an hour of greed and weakness I yielded, the burden of
+whose refrain was that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[327]</a></span> R. K. Munkittrick of Puck, a man with a rare
+gift of buoyant humor, and I could make a fortune for everybody if we
+would only consent to "trot" together.</p>
+
+<p>I had no particular illusions as to my abilities; but the fact that
+Major Pond believed I could do it was enough for me. If the Gaekwar of
+Baroda should ever assure me that a cracked bit of Pittsburg plate glass
+was a diamond of fairest ray serene, I should be inclined to think there
+was something in it so long as he wasn't trying to sell it to me, and so
+when Major Pond was willing to stake his professional reputation on it
+that Munkittrick and I would make a highly acceptable platform
+constellation it was not for me to refuse to twinkle.</p>
+
+<p>I shall never forget the experience. The horrors of it were such that
+the Day of Judgment itself have possessed small terrors for me since. We
+were tried out at Albany, New York, before an audience of sixty people,
+in an auditorium capable of seating three thousand. Everything seemed to
+go wrong, and on our way up to Albany Munkittrick managed to catch a
+cold which left him terribly hoarse upon our arrival at the old Delavan<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[328]</a></span>
+House in New York's capital city. To overcome this hoarseness
+Munkittrick bought a box of troches of a well known brand, but instead
+of taking one or two of them he devoured the whole box in about twenty
+minutes, as if they had been gumdrops or marshmallows, with the result
+that his tongue began to swell up, and by eight o'clock when we were due
+on the platform that essential factor of clarity of enunciation was "too
+big for the job," if I may so put it, occupying not less than
+seven-eighths of the available space inside of Munkittrick's mouth, all
+of which, combined with the natural nervousness of a debut, put us quite
+out of commission.</p>
+
+<p>As a matter of fact we should never have gone out upon the platform; but
+we did, and while the chairman was announcing to the scattered multitude
+in front that we were the greatest combination of wit, eloquence, and
+humor the world had ever known, not even excepting Nye and Riley, who
+had so often delighted Albany audiences in the past, Munkittrick and I
+sat there quivering with fear, not even daring to look at each other. I
+do not believe that even the Babes in the Wood themselves looked upon
+their prospects with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[329]</a></span> greater dread. It was an awful evening; so awful
+that before it was over a frivolous reaction set in which I truly think
+was the only thing that enabled us to push it through to the bitter end.</p>
+
+<p>Of course it was a failure. We knew that almost before we began; but it
+was borne in upon us at the end by the fact that the chairman, who had
+invited us to join him in a little supper afterward to meet a few of his
+friends, vanished as if the earth had opened up and swallowed him, and
+not a crumb of his supper or the hem of his garment did either of us
+ever see again. Fortunately we had been paid in cash before we went out
+upon the stage. If it had not been so, or had we been paid by a check on
+which payment could have been stopped, I doubt if either of us would
+have realized a penny on the transaction. Moreover, I did not venture to
+call upon the major for at least a week, and even then my meeting with
+him was merely casual. I bumped against him on the street in front of
+his office in the Everett House.</p>
+
+<p>"Hello, Bangs!" said he. "Have a good time at Albany?"</p>
+
+<p>"Fine!" said I. "The town is full of charming people."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[330]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Well&mdash;I'm <i>glad somebody enjoyed it</i>," said the major.</p>
+
+<p>"Any more bookings?" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said the major, with a far-away look in his eye. "Fact is, old
+man, times are sort o' hard, and after thinking the matter over I've
+decided that I guess we'd better put off our drive for new business
+until&mdash;well, <i>until some other season</i>."</p>
+
+<p>And that was all the chiding I received from that kindly soul!</p>
+
+<p>Several years elapsed before I resumed professional relations with Major
+Pond, and the incident that brought about that resumption has always
+seemed to me to be most amusing, and to bring out in vivid colors the
+quality of the major's temper. Indeed it was about as illuminating a
+little farce-comedy as one would care to see.</p>
+
+<p>It happened that somewhere about the beginning of this century I was
+invited to prepare for a New York newspaper syndicate a series of
+satirical biographies of prominent personages of the day. The series was
+called "Who's What and Why in America." I was doing a great deal of
+other work at the time, and the managers of the syndicate fell in
+readily with my expressed view that lest my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[331]</a></span> name should seem to appear
+too frequently, and in too many competing quarters, it would be best
+that for this venture I should use a pseudonym. I therefore did the work
+over the pen name of Wilberforce Jenkins. The series was very well
+received, and for over a year was one of the most popular syndicate
+features running, as a result of which Wilberforce Jenkins began to
+receive a great many letters from a great many people&mdash;so many as almost
+to make me personally jealous of his growing fame. Among other
+communications received was one from Major Pond, which ran somewhat like
+this:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+<p style='text-align: right'>New York, March 12, 1901. &nbsp; &nbsp;</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Wilberforce Jenkins</span>, Esq.
+</p>
+
+<p>Dear Sir.&mdash;I have been reading with a great deal of interest your
+sparkling biographies of the Men of To-day in the New York "Blank."
+I don't want to flatter you, but you have more real humor in your
+thumb than all the rest of the funny men of the day rolled into one
+have in their million and a half fingers. Have you ever considered
+the desirability of using your gifts on the lecture platform? If
+you have, let me know. If you can talk half as well as you write,
+you will be a winner. Come and see me some day and talk it over. I
+think we can do business together.</p>
+
+<p style='text-align: right'>Very truly yours, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;
+<span class="smcap">James B. Pond</span>. &nbsp; &nbsp;<br />
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>The situation was too rich to neglect, and I resolved to have a little
+innocent fun with the major.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[332]</a></span> I repaired almost immediately to the
+telephone and rang him up. The connection made, I inquired:</p>
+
+<p>"Is this Major Pond?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," was the reply. "Who are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Major J. B. Pond of the Pond Lyceum Bureau?" I continued.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I'm Major Pond. Who's this talking?" he answered.</p>
+
+<p>"I am Wilberforce Jenkins, the Who's What and Why man, Major," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Well&mdash;say, old man," said he, with a pleasant touch of enthusiasm in
+his voice, "I'm mighty glad to hear from you. That's A-1 stuff you are
+running in the <i>Blank</i>. Did you get my letter?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said I. "That's why I am ringing you up."</p>
+
+<p>"Good!" said he. "Ready to talk turkey, are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well&mdash;I don't know about that, Major," said I hesitatingly. "Of course
+I know who you are, and the kind of things you do; but&mdash;well, to be
+quite frank with you, I don't know whether I want to do business with
+you or not."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!" said the major. "That's it, is it? Well&mdash;what seems to be the
+matter?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[333]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Oh, nothing much," said I. "Only I was talking with a man about you the
+other day, and from one or two things he said&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"What did he say?" the major blurted out.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, to begin with, he said you were an old palaverer," said I. "He
+intimated that there was a good deal of what you might call hatwork in
+the quality of your conversation. He said he'd done business with you
+once, and while he liked you personally you were not all you seemed to
+think you were as an impresario."</p>
+
+<p>"Who the deuce ever told you that?" demanded the major. "You say he did
+business with me once?"</p>
+
+<p>"So he said," said I. "And he was pretty outspoken about it too. He told
+me his tour with you was a rank failure."</p>
+
+<p>"I'd like to know his name," said the major, and I could almost hear the
+dear old gentleman biting into the wire.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I guess he wouldn't mind my telling," said I. "There wasn't
+anything particularly confidential about our talk. His name is
+Bangs&mdash;John Kendrick Bangs."</p>
+
+<p>My name came back at me over the wire like an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[334]</a></span> explosion of dynamite.
+"<i>Bangs</i>!" retorted the major. "Good Lord&mdash;<i>Bangs</i>! Does he call a trip
+up to Albany and back a tour? <i>I guess he was a failure!</i> I can tell you
+things about Bangs as a platform performer that'll show you mighty quick
+whose failure it was, and if you want to bring him along to hear what I
+have to say on that subject, <i>bring him</i>. The idea! My Heavens, old
+man&mdash;why, he&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, never mind all that, Major," said I. "I'm only telling you what he
+said. I don't have to take it all as gospel truth, you know."</p>
+
+<p>"Well I guess not!" snorted the major.</p>
+
+<p>"Now I'm very busy these days," I continued, "and I really haven't got
+time to go to your office; but if you will take lunch with me to-morrow
+at the Century Club, about one o'clock, we can talk this thing over."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll be there," said the major. "One o'clock sharp, and meanwhile if
+you run across J. K. tell him with my compliments that he can go to
+thunder. <i>Tour!</i> I like that!"</p>
+
+<p>"All right, Major," said I. "Don't fail me."</p>
+
+<p>And there our telephone conversation closed. The following morning I
+arranged at the club to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[335]</a></span> have the major ushered into the reception room
+in case he called and asked for Wilberforce Jenkins, and as the hour
+approached I lingered around to see the fun.</p>
+
+<p>Faithful to the minute the major arrived at one o'clock, inquired for
+Mr. Jenkins, and was requested to wait in the reception room, since Mr.
+Jenkins had not yet come in. After he had been sitting there for about
+five minutes I decided that the time for action had arrived; so I walked
+into the reception room myself.</p>
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;hello, Major!" said I, as cordially as I really felt. "How are you
+these days?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'm all right," he said coldly, ignoring my outstretched hand.</p>
+
+<p>"What are you doing here?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know that that's any of your business, Bangs," said he,
+bridling up; "but I don't mind telling you that I've come to meet a man
+who when it comes to writing real humor has got you skinned eight
+billion miles."</p>
+
+<p>"Good!" said I. "Who is this eighth wonder of the world?"</p>
+
+<p>"His name," said Major Pond, "is Wilberforce Jenkins."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[336]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Lord!" said I. "That faker? Well, I am at least glad to know what
+your standards of humor are."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Faker?</i>" retorted the major. "You seem to have some gift for saying
+nice things about your friends, Bangs," he added witheringly.</p>
+
+<p>"Friends?" said I, with a laugh of scorn. "You don't call that idiot
+Wilberforce Jenkins a friend of mine, do you? You must think I let
+myself go pretty cheap."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, he seemed to think you were a friend of his&mdash;at least he told me
+so&mdash;but of course a man may be mistaken in respect to that," he observed
+significantly.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, don't you believe a word he says, Major," said I. "I know
+Wilberforce Jenkins all the way through, and he and truth aren't upon
+speaking terms. You say he has invited you here to meet him?"</p>
+
+<p>"To take lunch with him," said the major.</p>
+
+<p>"Well of all the pure unmitigated <i>nerve</i>!" said I. "That shows you what
+sort of fellow Jenkins is. Why, Major, <i>he isn't even a member here</i>! He
+has a ten-day card from me; but that doesn't entitle him to invite you
+or anybody else here.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[337]</a></span> You'd better come upstairs and have lunch with
+me."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll starve first!" said the major.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, all right," said I. "If you won't, you won't; but I'll bet you five
+dollars right now that Wilberforce Jenkins doesn't come!"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't bet," said the major. "I gave up gambling after that <i>tour</i> of
+yours up to Albany and back. It doesn't pay."</p>
+
+<p>I retired to a writing table at one end of the room, and pretended to be
+busy at letter writing for some ten or fifteen minutes, keeping one sly
+eye on the major the while. He was visibly chafing. Now and then he
+would take out his watch, and gaze intently into its telltale face. Then
+he would rise and inspect the pictures on the walls. When half-past one
+came and there was no Wilberforce Jenkins in sight his patience was
+manifestly near its end, and regarding that as the psychological moment
+I again approached him.</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>He cometh not, she said</i>,'" I quoted in my most plaintive tones. "And
+what's more, Major, he won't never be here. He never kept a promise or
+an engagement in his life. Come along&mdash;change your mind and take lunch
+with me."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[338]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"<i>I wouldn't lunch with you if</i>&mdash;" he began.</p>
+
+<p>And then I burst out laughing. I could not carry the farce a bit
+further. "Major," said I, "the reason why I know all about this
+Wilberforce Jenkins and his general unreliability is very simple&mdash;<i>I am
+Wilberforce Jenkins myself</i>."</p>
+
+<p>The old gentleman gasped. His face was a study for a moment, and then
+with a great laugh he sprang to his feet, and seized me by the arm.
+"Here, Bangs," he said, "get your hat and come along with me! We'll eat
+at Delmonico's."</p>
+
+<p>"But you said just now you wouldn't take lunch with me," I protested.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but by Simeon," he retorted, "<i>I never said that you wouldn't take
+lunch with me</i>, and by the Eternal <i>you'll come or I'll carry you</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>And the only hatchet that ever threatened our friendship was buried on
+the instant.</p>
+
+<p>Major Pond was indeed a rare and a loyal spirit. He always credited
+James Redpath with being the Father of the Modern Lyceum, and perhaps he
+was right. The Modern Lyceum owes much to James Redpath; but as for me I
+prefer to award its paternal honors to Major Pond. His interest in it,
+and his affectionate attitude toward<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[339]</a></span> those he helped along its
+sometimes rugged path, were too strictly fatherly to warrant any lesser
+title at the hands of one of its most grateful sons.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<div class="tnote">
+<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE</h3>
+
+<p>Various punctuation errors have been corrected without comment.</p>
+
+<p>Images have been moved from the middle of a paragraph to the closest paragraph break.
+</p></div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
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@@ -0,0 +1,7393 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, From Pillar to Post, by John Kendrick Bangs,
+Illustrated by Jno. R. Neill
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: From Pillar to Post
+       Leaves from a Lecturer's Note-Book
+
+
+Author: John Kendrick Bangs
+
+
+
+Release Date: May 3, 2011  [eBook #36026]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROM PILLAR TO POST***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Steve Read, Suzanne Shell, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made
+available by Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries
+(http://www.archive.org/details/toronto)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 36026-h.htm or 36026-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/36026/36026-h/36026-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/36026/36026-h.zip)
+
+
+      Images of the original pages are available through
+      Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries. See
+      http://www.archive.org/details/frompillartopost00banguoft
+
+
+
+
+
+FROM PILLAR TO POST
+
+
+[Illustration: "I shall have to borrow some of your manly
+courage to carry me through."]
+
+
+FROM PILLAR TO POST
+
+Leaves from a Lecturer's Note-Book
+
+by
+
+JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
+
+Author of "The House-Boat on the Styx," etc.
+
+With Illustrations by Jno. R. Neill
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+New York
+The Century Co.
+1916
+
+Copyright, 1916, by
+The Century Co.
+
+Copyright, 1915, by
+Associated Sunday Magazines Incorporated
+
+Published, March, 1916
+
+
+
+    TO
+    THAT WISE COUNSELLOR
+    AND STERLING FRIEND
+    J. HENRY HARPER
+
+
+
+
+PREFATORY NOTE
+
+
+I could not let these random notes of a delightful experience go forth
+into the world without expressing in some way my deep appreciation of
+the valued services rendered me in my ten years of platform work by my
+friends of the Lyceum Bureaus. In office and in the field they have
+labored strenuously, often affectionately, and always loyally, on my
+behalf. But for their interest some of the most cherished experiences of
+my life would have been beyond my reach. If sometimes in their zeal to
+keep me busy they have booked me in Winnipeg on Monday night, in New
+Orleans on Tuesday night, with little side-trips to San Diego,
+California, and Presque Isle, Maine, on Wednesday and Thursday, not to
+mention grand finales at Omaha and Key West on Friday and Saturday, I
+view that sequence rather as a tribute to my agility than as a matter to
+be unduly captious about. It is a manifestation of a confidence in my
+powers to overcome the limitations of time and space that I think upon
+with an expanding head, if not with a swelling heart, and whether this
+required annihilation of distance has been wholly agreeable or not it
+has enabled me to see more of my own country than I otherwise could have
+seen, and to that extent, I hope, has made a better American of me.
+
+Wherefore before beginning our ramble from Pillar to Post I record here
+in testimony of my gratitude to them the names of Arthur C. Coit, and
+Louis J. Alber, of the Coit Lyceum Bureau of Cleveland, Ohio; of Frank
+A. Morgan, of the Mutual Lyceum Bureau, of Chicago; of Kenneth M. White,
+of the White Entertainment Bureau of Boston; of S. Russell Bridges, of
+the Alkahest Lyceum System of Atlanta, Georgia; of J. B. Pond, Jr., and
+that tried friend both in the Lyceum field and out of it, William C.
+Glass, of the J. B. Pond Lyceum Bureau of New York.
+
+Thanks are due to the publishers of _Every Week_ for courtesies
+extended, and finally I desire to inscribe a word of affectionate esteem
+for my friends, J. Thomson Willing, and that inspiring editorial guide
+and mentor, William A. Taylor, of the Associated Sunday Magazines, under
+whose genial direction these papers were first presented to the public.
+
+                                                JOHN KENDRICK BANGS.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+                                       PAGE
+    I      GETTING USED TO IT             3
+    II     SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY          23
+    III    GETTING THE LEVEL             40
+    IV     THE GOOD SAMARITAN            61
+    V      A VAGRANT POET                83
+    VI     BACK-HANDED COMPLIMENTS       98
+    VII    FRIENDS OF THE ROAD          116
+    VIII   CHAIRMEN I HAVE MET          134
+    IX     CHANCE ACQUAINTANCES         155
+    X      HUMORS OF THE ROAD           175
+    XI     MINE HOST                    196
+    XII    PERILS OF THE PLATFORM       220
+    XIII   EMBARRASSING MOMENTS         243
+    XIV    "SLINGS AND ARROWS"          266
+    XV     EMERGENCIES                  290
+    XVI    A PIONEER MANAGER            318
+
+
+
+
+LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+
+                                                                  PAGE
+  "I shall have to borrow some of your manly courage
+  to carry me through"                                  _Frontispiece_
+
+  "It was indeed a pretty sight to me!"                             21
+
+  "Yes, and you are fifty years behind us in every other respect!"  28
+
+  I knew that I had met a "Southern Gentleman"                      31
+
+  "The consciously superior person cannot last long on the lecture
+  platform"                                                         43
+
+  "If there's anything you want to know about Darwin's Origin of
+  Species, you ask me!"                                             60
+
+  "I cannot say that his first remark was wholly cordial"           70
+
+  "I'm an Ohio man, and I'll cash the check for you on your looks"  79
+
+  In the last stages of poverty                                     85
+
+  "Suffering Centipedes!" he cried. "That man must have been
+  brought up on the bottle!"                                        93
+
+  "The lecturer must deliver the goods!"                           100
+
+  "They may 'go to sleep in his face'"                             103
+
+  "I have been after 'em, suh; but it ain't no use"                122
+
+  "These men on the engines are great characters"                  130
+
+  "Pile it on so thick that the lecturer has to struggle hard
+  to make good"                                                    136
+
+  "The last I saw of my kindly host"                               145
+
+  "When he got through I could have qualified for a college degree
+  on the subject of straw hats"                                    162
+
+  "She ast me was you so very comical," said he                    171
+
+  "If yo're dealin' in brains, hit ain't likely yo' got enough
+  to gib any away"                                                 185
+
+  "A Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Locomotives would
+  have had them indicted then and there"                           191
+
+  "If it were possible to sweep a room clean with a welcoming
+  wave of the hand--"                                              199
+
+  "Cannot sleep comfortably between the sheets of William James's
+  pragmatic philosophy, dry as they are"                           202
+
+  "If he had shifted his chewing gum to the other side, we should
+  have plunged into the river"                                     227
+
+  "Laughter where tears would have been more appropriate"          239
+
+  "I found the building wholly dark"                               247
+
+  "But what was the point of this little joke last night?"         264
+
+  "My grinning countenance stared back at me unflinchingly"        276
+
+  "I was the sudden recipient of a blow on top of my head"         283
+
+  "A craving to settle lingering doubts as to my right
+  to be there"                                                     298
+
+
+
+
+FROM PILLAR TO POST
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+GETTING USED TO IT
+
+
+"I cannot imagine a more disagreeable way of qualifying for the income
+tax," said one of America's most noted after-dinner speakers to me when
+at a chance meeting he and I were discussing the joys and woes of the
+lecture platform. I must admit that in a way I sympathized with him; for
+I knew something of the sufferings endured for days and nights prior to
+one's own public appearance as an after-dinner or platform speaker.
+
+There was a time many years ago, upon which I look back with wonder that
+I ever came through it without nervous prostration, when I suffered
+those selfsame mental agonies as the hour approached for the fulfilment
+of one of those rash promises which men fond of the sound of their own
+voices make months in advance to those subtle flatterers who would lure
+them from the easy solitudes of silence into the uneasy limelight of
+after-dinner oratory. Not without reason has a certain wit, whose name
+is unfortunately lost to fame, referred to the chairs behind the guest
+table on the raised platform at revelries of this nature as "The Seats
+of the Mighty and Miserable."
+
+These sufferings involve a loss of appetite for days in advance of the
+event; a complete derangement of the nervous system, with no chance of
+recovery for at least ten days preceding the emergent hour, since sleep
+either refuses to come to one's relief altogether, or coming brings in
+its train a species of nerve-racking dream which leaves the last estate
+of the weary slumberer worse than the first. The complication is far
+more difficult to handle than that involved in the maturity of a
+promissory note which one is unable to meet; for there are conditions
+under which a tender-hearted creditor will permit a renewal of the
+latter sort of obligation, and this thought provides some sort of rift
+in the cloud of a debtor's despair.
+
+But in the matter of public speaking there is no such comforting
+possibility. Nothing short of inglorious flight, painful accident, or
+serious illness, can save the signer of that promissory note for
+twenty-five hundred personally conducted after-dinner words from being
+called upon to pay in full the moment the note falls due. He can't even
+plead to be permitted the payment of one paragraph on account, and the
+balance in thirty days.
+
+The contract can neither be evaded, postponed, nor sublet. It is then or
+never with him, and while no great harm would come to the world if
+ninety-nine and seven-eighths per cent. of the after-dinner speeches of
+the ages had gone unspoken, no man of the right, forward-looking,
+upstanding sort, whether his speeches be good, bad, or, like the most of
+them, merely indifferent, may wilfully or comfortably permit a promise
+of that nature to go to protest.
+
+Yes, I sympathized with that excellent gentleman. I have known him to
+take to his bed three days before the ordeal, tremblingly approach the
+banquet board, rise to his feet, his nerves taut as a G string, his
+knees quaking in the merciful seclusion of the regions under the table,
+and then, with hardly a glimmering of consciousness of what he was doing
+or saying, his whole being thrilled with terror, acquit himself
+brilliantly, to return home at the conclusion of his trial physically
+and nervously prostrated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+One of the happiest recollections of my platform work, nevertheless, had
+to do with just such a shivering, quivering condition. It was many years
+ago--back in the mid-'90's of the last century, that so-called crazy
+end-of-the-century period, which inspired Max Nordau's depressing
+treatise on Degeneracy, and yet now seems so gloriously sane in contrast
+to what is going on in the world at the present time.
+
+In some mysterious fashion I had succeeded in writing what the literary
+world is pleased to term a "best seller," and was in consequence
+enjoying a taste of that notoriety which inexperienced youth so often
+confounds with immortality. One result was a tolerably persistent demand
+that I exhibit myself at one of those then popular functions known as
+Authors' Readings. This was a form of entertainment almost as
+barbarically cruel as those ancient ceremonies in which Christian
+martyrs were thrown into an arena to demonstrate their powers in
+combatting irritated tigers, and such other blood-thirsty beasts of the
+jungle as the ingenious fancy of the management might suggest. It was,
+in a manner of speaking, a sort of Literary Hagenbeck Show, whither the
+curious among the readers of the day were lured in sweet Charity's name
+by the promise of a personal performance by real literary lions, with an
+occasional wild goose or two wearing temporarily the gorgeous plumage of
+the Birds of Parnassus, thrown in to make the program longer.
+
+Invited to take part in one of these affairs, and feeling that for
+posterity's sake it was my duty to rivet my firm grasp upon Fame by
+keeping such company as my remotest great-grandchild could wish to have
+me known by, I carelessly accepted as if it were easy to comply, and all
+in the day's work of a new sun dawning upon the horizon of letters.
+
+But when the fateful evening arrived a "change came o'er the spirit of
+my dream." Two dread situations arose which bade fair to drive me either
+into the nearest sanatorium, or to the obscurity of the deepest
+available jungle. Had I yielded to my immediate impulse, I should have
+flown as far afield as the Virginia negro who, upon being advised to
+leave town lest he suffer certain extreme penalties for his misdeeds,
+replied that he was "gwine, an' gwine so fur it'll cost nine dollars to
+send a postal card back."
+
+On one side of the curtain at the great metropolitan hall where the
+Readings were to be held sat nearly three thousand hungry readers,
+waiting to see six unhappy authors prove whether or no they could read
+their own productions and survive; and on the other side of the curtain
+were five real Immortals and my sorely agitated self. My fellow
+sufferers that night were Dr. Silas Weir Mitchell, Dr. Henry Van Dyke,
+William Dean Howells, the lamented Frank R. Stockton, and the ever
+unforgettable Mrs. Julia Ward Howe.
+
+It was rather godlike company for a mere mortal like myself, and as I
+gazed upon them I realized, perhaps for the first time, the magnificent
+distances that lie between Yonkers-on-Hudson and Parnassus-by-Helicon.
+Frozen from heel to toe by the thought of having to appear before so
+vast and critical an audience, the complete refrigeration of my nervous
+system was accomplished by the thought of even temporary association
+with those fixed stars in the firmament of American Letters. Instead of
+a burning torch on the heights of Olympus, I felt myself more of a
+possible cinder in the public eye. One might be willing to appear before
+a Court of Literary Justice in the company of any one of them, but to
+assume equality with five such household words all at once, and
+especially before an audience many of whose members had from time
+immemorial known me as "Johnny"--well, to speak with frankness, it got
+on my nerves.
+
+My condition was like that foreshadowed by a good old neighbor of mine
+up on the coast of Maine, who when I asked him one morning if he ever
+felt nervous when the thunder was roaring, and the lightning was
+striking viciously, replied, "No, I hain't never felt nervous: _I'm jest
+plain dam skeert to death!_" If the exits from the stage had not been
+guarded, I should have fled; but there was no escape, and while I
+awaited my turn to go out upon the platform I paced the back of the
+stage, concealed from the public gaze by a drop scene, shaking from head
+to foot with a nervous chill. I can scarcely even now bring myself to
+believe that there was a seismograph anywhere between the northern and
+southern poles so callous as to fail to register my vibrations.
+
+It became evident as the moment approached that I should be utterly
+unable to go out upon the platform and do anything but dance: not after
+the graceful manner of Mr. and Mrs. Vernon Castle, but of Saint Vitus
+himself. To have held a book, even so light a one as my own, in my
+shaking hand would have been physically impossible, and then, just as I
+was about to seek out the chairman of the committee of arrangements, and
+plead a sudden stroke of some sort, I felt a womanly arm thrust through
+my own, and a soft white hand was laid gently and soothingly upon my
+wrist. I glanced to my side, and there stood Mrs. Julia Ward Howe, her
+lovely eyes full of sympathy, touched with a joyous reassuring twinkle.
+
+"Oh, Mr. Bangs," said she, with a slight catch and tremor in her voice,
+"do you know I am so nervous about going out before all those people
+to-night that I really believe I shall have to borrow some of your manly
+courage and strength to carry me through!"
+
+A marvelous transformation of nervous attitude was the immediate result,
+a determination to rush to the aid of a lady flying a signal of distress
+summoning all my latent courage to her cause. A realization of the
+lovely tactfulness of her approach and its true significance, and the
+prompt response of my sense of humor, not yet quite dead, to the exact
+facts of the situation, made a man of me for the time being--a man who
+would dare the undarable, attempt the unattainable, and if need be, as
+the eloquent African preacher once observed, "onscrew the onscrutable."
+Nervousness, cowardice, muscular vibrations, and all disappeared like
+the mists of the night before the radiance of the dawn in the face of
+that gracious woman's tactful humor, and later on I went forth to my
+doom so brazenly, and smiling so confidently, that one critic in the
+next morning's newspaper intimated without much subtlety of phrasing
+that I enjoyed myself far more than my audience did.
+
+It would be too much to say that Mrs. Howe's timely intervention on my
+behalf effected a permanent cure of my nervousness in platform work; but
+it has helped me much to overcome it; for many a time since, when
+through sheer weariness, or for some purely psychological reason, I have
+approached my work with uneasy forebodings, the memory of that
+delightful incident has come back to me, and I have invariably found
+relief from my fears in the smile which it never fails to bring to my
+lips, and to my spirit as well.
+
+I do not know that it would be a good thing for any public speaker ever
+to approach the emergent hour with entire assurance and utterly
+calloused nerves. Such a condition might well bespeak an indifference to
+the work in hand which would result either in a purely mechanical
+delivery, or one so careless as to destroy the effect of the lecturer's
+most valuable asset--a sympathetic personality. I recall far back in my
+college days, in the early '80's of the last century, meeting at one of
+my fraternity conventions that inspiring publicist, the late Senator
+Frye of Maine. In the course of a pleasant chat, having myself to appear
+before the convention with a committee report the following morning, and
+feeling a trifle uncertain as to how I was going to "come through," I
+asked the senator if he was ever a victim to nervousness when making a
+public address, and his answer was very suggestive.
+
+"Always, my lad," said he, "always! I have been making public speeches
+off and on now for twenty-five or thirty years, and even to-day when I
+rise up to speak in the United States Senate, or on the stump, my knees
+shake a little under me. And I'm glad they do, Son," he went on
+significantly; "for if they didn't, I should begin to feel that the days
+of my usefulness were over, for it would mean that I really didn't care
+whether I got through safely or not."
+
+So it was that up to a certain point I sympathized with my friend the
+distinguished after-dinner speaker when he intimated that the lecture
+platform was no bed of roses. For one of his nervous organization and
+temperament it would be impossible. It would make a nervous wreck of him
+in a short while, and in the end would shorten his life, even as it has
+shortened the span of many another robust spirit; such as the late
+Alfred Tennyson Dickens, for instance, who in very truth succumbed to
+the exactions of travel and of a lovely hospitality that he knew not how
+to resist.
+
+But for myself there is so much in the work that is inspiring, so much
+that is pleasing in the human relationships it makes possible, that but
+for the discomforts of travel I could really feed upon it spiritually,
+and seek no happier diet. I defy any man to be a pessimist on the
+subject of American character after a season or two on the lecture
+platform; provided of course that he is a reasonably sympathetic man,
+and is so constituted in matters social that he is what the politicians
+call a "good mixer."
+
+To the man who is not interested in the human animal, and insists upon
+judging all men by his own rigid and narrow standards, measuring souls
+by a yardstick, as it were, the work can never be a joy; but if he is
+broad enough to take people as he finds them, looking for the good that
+lies inherent in every human being, and judging them by the measure of
+their capacity to become what they were designed to be, and are honestly
+trying to be, then he will find it full of a living and a loving
+interest almost equal to that of the "joy forever."
+
+Pasted in my spiritual hat is a little rime by one whose name modesty
+forbids my mentioning, running:
+
+    I can't be what Shakespeare was,
+    I can't do what great folks does;
+    But, by Ginger, I can be
+                ME!
+    And among the folks that love me
+    Nothin' more's expected of me.
+
+The wandering platform speaker who will heed the intimations of that
+little rime, and seize the friendships in kind that surely await his
+coming in all parts of this great, genial country of ours, will find a
+wondrous store of happiness ready to his hand. If in addition to this he
+will cultivate the habit of looking for good in unpromising places, and
+of resolutely refusing to admit the power of small irritations to
+destroy his peace of mind, he will get along nicely. The latter of
+course requires resolution of a kind that is persistent in the face of
+unremitting annoyances. To say that these annoyances do not exist would
+be idle; but not half so idle as the act of giving them controlling
+importance in the making or the unmaking of a day's happiness.
+
+The sooner one who travels the Platform Path learns to suspend judgment
+as to his fellow beings, and to suspect the fallacy of the obvious, the
+better it will be for him, and for his personal comfort. The first
+conspicuous lesson I had in this particular was out in Arizona on my
+first extended tour in our wonderful West in 1906. I found myself one
+afternoon on my way from Los Angeles to Phoenix. After having satisfied
+the inner man with an excellent Fred Harvey luncheon--an edible oasis
+always in a desert of indigestibility--I had retired to the smoking car
+for that spiritual refreshment which comes from watching the smoke
+wreaths curl upward from the end of a good cigar.
+
+Unhappily for the quality of that refreshment, I was no sooner seated in
+the smoking room that I perceived that I was surrounded by men who,
+judging by surface indications, were hopeless vulgarians. Among them
+were three especially whose conversation was even lower than their
+brows. I think I can best describe their conversation by saying that in
+all probability Boccaccio's lady companions out Fiesole way, at the time
+of the plague that drove the Florentine Four Hundred beyond the city
+limits, would have fled blushingly before it, taking refuge by
+preference in the pure, undefiled Rolloisms of the Decameron itself;
+while poor old Rabelais, not always a master of reticence in things
+better left unsaid, would, I am sure, have joined a literary branch of
+the I. W. W. in sheer rebellion, rather than sully the refinement of his
+pen by taking down any part of it.
+
+One has to listen to a great deal of this sort of thing en route, and
+pending the discovery of some kind of vocal silencer that shall render
+such communications as noiseless as they are corrupting to good manners,
+or a portable muffler which the unwilling listener may place over his
+ears, the wandering platform performer who has not yet reached a point
+where he can give up his cigar and be happy must needs endure them.
+Indeed he is doing well if he is not lured into a shamefaced enjoyment
+of such talk; for it must be admitted that some of the traveling
+companions one meets thus by chance have rare powers as story-tellers,
+and pour forth at times most objectionable periods with a smiling
+enthusiasm almost fetching enough to tempt a Simeon Stylites down from
+the top of his pillar into the lower regions of their alluring good
+fellowship.
+
+Neither a prig nor a prude am I; but on this particular occasion the
+gross results of the conversation were so very gross as to preclude the
+possibility of there being any "net proceeds" of value, and I fled.
+
+On returning to my place in the sleeper I noticed in the section
+directly across the aisle a handsome Englishwoman, traveling with no
+other companion than a little daughter, a child of about three and a
+half years of happy, bubbling youth. The little one was seated on her
+mother's lap, and was enjoying a "let's pretend" drive across country,
+using the maternal lorgnette chain in lieu of the ribbons wherewith to
+guide her imaginary steeds.
+
+An hour passed, when a boisterous laugh from the rear of the car
+indicated the approach of the three barbarians of the smoker, who to my
+disgust a moment later settled themselves in the section directly in
+front of mine, and to my dismay began apparently to take a greater
+interest in the lady across the aisle than the ordinary usages of polite
+human intercourse warranted, lacking a formal introduction.
+
+I have never posed as a Squire of Dames, and I have a wholesome distaste
+for such troubles as an unseeing eye enables a man to avoid; but the
+intrusion of these Goths, not to say Vandals, upon the lady's right to
+travel unmolested was so obvious that I couldn't help seeing and
+inwardly resenting it. The woman herself treated the situation with
+becoming coolness and dignity, showing only by a slight change of color,
+and now and then a vexed biting of the lips, that she noticed it at
+all; but the cooler she became the more strenuous became the efforts of
+the barbarians to "scrape an acquaintance."
+
+I held an inward debate with myself as to my duty in the premises. I did
+not care to get into a row; but the ogling soon became so pronounced
+that it really seemed necessary to interfere. I reached out my hand to
+ring for such reinforcements as the porter and the conductor might be
+able to bring to our assistance, when to my astonishment the worst
+offender of the three rose from his seat, and stepped quickly to the
+lady's side--and then there was revealed to me the marvelous wisdom of
+the old injunction, "Judge not, that ye be not judged"; for the supposed
+ruffian, whom I would a moment before have willingly, and with seeming
+justification, thrown bodily from the train, with the manner of a
+Chesterfield in the rough lifted his hat and spoke.
+
+"You will excuse me for speaking to you, ma'am," he said, and there was
+a wistful smile on his lips and a tenderness in his eye worthy of a
+seemingly better cause, "but I'm--I'm what they call a drummer, a
+traveling man, and I've been away from home for three months. I've got
+a little girl of my own at home about the same age as this kid of yours,
+and I tell you, ma'am, you'd ease off an awful case of homesickness if
+you'd let me play with the little lady just for a few minutes."
+
+The mother's heart seemed to go right out to him, as did mine also. She
+smiled graciously, and handed over her little daughter to the tender
+mercies of that group whose presence I had fled only a short while
+before--and for the rest of the afternoon that Pullman sleeper was
+transformed into a particularly bright and joyous nursery that echoed
+and reechoed to the merry laughter of happy childhood.
+
+If there is an animal of any kind in the zoos of commerce that those men
+did not impersonate during the next two or three hours I do not know its
+name, the especially objectionable barbarian transforming himself
+instantly on demand into an elephant, a yak, a roaring lion, a tiger, or
+a leopard changing its spots as actively as a flea, and all with a
+graceful facility that Proteus himself might well have envied. And
+later, when night fell, and weariness came with it, in the dusk of the
+twilight it was indeed a pretty sight to me, and a sight that smote
+somewhat upon my conscience for my over-ready contempt of the earlier
+afternoon, when my gaze fell upon the figure of an exhausted drummer,
+his eyes half-closed, sleepily humming a tender lullaby to a tired
+little golden-haired stranger who lay cuddled up in his arms, fast
+asleep, with her head upon his breast.
+
+[Illustration: "It was indeed a pretty sight to me!"]
+
+I like to think that that little incident was a valuable contribution
+to my education in the science of brotherhood. It has not perhaps
+produced in my soul a larger tolerance of the intolerable in casual
+conversation, but it has served to warn me against the dangers of snap
+judgments, and has certainly broadened my sympathies in respect to my
+fellow man in my chance meetings with him upon the highways and byways
+of life, whence sometimes, in the loneliness of my wanderings, I have
+gathered much comfort, and reaped harvests in friendliness which
+otherwise I might have lost.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY
+
+
+In traveling about the country, and especially in the South, I have been
+impressed with the wisdom of the character in Owen Wister's delightful
+story of "The Virginian," who when another man applied an unspeakable
+name to him leveled a revolver in the speaker's face, and said, "When
+you call me that, say it with a smile!" (I quote from memory.) A moment
+on the road is made cheerful or difficult by the manner in which things
+are said, and the wanderer's homesickness is either relieved or deepened
+by the manner of a chance remark, which brings cheer if it be smiling,
+and a deeper sense of loneliness if it be otherwise.
+
+Throughout the South I have never felt quite so far away from home as in
+some parts of New England less than a hundred miles from my own
+rooftree, and I think that this is due largely to the positive effort on
+the part of the average Southern man or woman to maintain the
+traditional courtesy and hospitality of the South toward the stranger
+within its gates. It is only semi-occasionally that one finds in some
+sour-natured relic of other days any other attitude than that of smiling
+welcome, and even with the thermometer ranging close to the zero mark I
+have learned why the Southland is in spirit anyhow the "Land of Roses."
+
+It must be admitted, however, that when the departure from the attitude
+of cordiality is made it is done thoroughly, and with a sort of reckless
+truculence which the wary traveler will be wise to ascribe solely to its
+individual source.
+
+In the winter and spring of 1913 there was a great deal of work cut out
+for me in the Southern territory, and during my travels there, which
+involved the crossing and recrossing of every State in the section
+except Kentucky, from the Atlantic coast to the Mexican border, I
+encountered much in the way of human experience that is delightful to
+remember, and very little that I would rather forget. It was upon this
+trip that two incidents occurred which showed very clearly the
+difference between a cutting retort smilingly administered and that
+other kind of peculiarly rasping repartee, born of a soured nature that
+has confirmed its acid qualities by pickling itself in a mixture of
+equal parts of gloomy self-sympathy over fancied wrongs, and--well, not
+grape juice.
+
+There is a kind of tonic dispensed in certain of our prohibition States
+by licensed drugstores and carried by suffering patients in small black
+bottles, secreted in their hip pockets, like deadly weapons--which
+indeed they are (whence, possibly, we get the term "hipped" as
+descriptive of the ailment of the sufferer)--which does not exactly
+mellow the disposition of the consumer, whatever glow it may impart to
+his countenance.
+
+One morning I found myself on my way from Natchitoches, in Louisiana, a
+lovely survival of a picturesque old French trading post, a perfect home
+of roses, both human and floral, which will ever remain a garden spot in
+my memory, to Shreveport. It was in the middle of May, and the whole
+country was a delight to the eye, with its lovely greens and lush spring
+coloring. I was returning from a lecture before the State Normal School,
+and while sitting in the smoking car enjoying my weed was introduced to
+a gentleman (I use the word carelessly, and without positive
+conviction) whom everybody had been calling "Judge." I am glad to say
+that I did not catch his last name. I do not even know whether or not he
+was really a judge, or, if he were, what he was a judge of. He reminded
+me more of the judges I have read of in fictional humor than any I have
+ever seen on the bench, and from his general attitude toward his fellows
+on the train I gained a tolerably clean-cut impression that he tried his
+"cases" in solitary state, rather than in that more open fashion which
+is such a bad example to the young, and productive of that ruinously
+extravagant disease known as "treating." I may be doing the man an
+injustice, but I am none the less trying to sketch him as I saw him. He
+had the manner and manners of the solitary reveler, and the generally
+"oily," but not suave, quality of his makeup confirmed my impression
+that any love of temperance he might manifest was purely academic, or,
+as one of our leading statesmen might put it, "largely psychological."
+Desirous of starting things along pleasantly after my introduction to
+the judge, I remarked upon the marvelous beauty of the country.
+
+"Everything is beautifully green about here," I said. "It is a positive
+pleasure to look out on those lovely fields."
+
+"Glad you like 'em," said the judge, helping himself to a generous
+mouthful of tobacco.
+
+"Well, you see," said I, "I come from Maine, Judge, and I am
+particularly fond of the spring, and we don't get ours until late. I
+guess," I added, "that in respect to that we are about a month and a
+half behind you people down here."
+
+"Yes," said he explosively, "_and, by God! you are fifty years behind us
+in every other respect!_"
+
+It was a kindly and tactful remark, and I was duly edified. If he had
+said it smilingly, I should have been happier, and would have been
+inclined to enter upon a half-hour of jovial banter on the subject of
+the respective merits of our several States; but there was a truculent
+self-confidence about his honor's "atmosphere" that foreshadowed little
+in the way of a satisfactory issue had I ventured to carry the
+discussion further. I simply withdrew within myself, like a turtle,
+finished my cigar in silence, and returned to my seat in the chair car,
+convinced that in whatever line of action the judge was really an
+expert--law, history, economics, or what-not--he at least knew how to
+put a cork in a bottle, and jam it in so tight that nothing could get
+out of it--I being the bottle.
+
+[Illustration: "Yes, and you are fifty years behind us in every other
+respect!"]
+
+As I sat for the rest of my journey in that chair car my mind reverted
+to another incident that had occurred two months earlier. The inviting
+causes were similar; but the party of the second part was a very
+different sort of individual. The judge was said to be prosperous, the
+owner of many acres of fertile sugar land, and had, or so I was
+informed, a professional income of fifteen thousand dollars a year. One
+would think he could have afforded to be genial under such conditions.
+The other was a man bent and broken under the stress of his years and
+his trials, coming home, after a lifetime of failure, to pass his
+remaining days, manifestly few in number, amid the scenes of his youth.
+What few locks were left him were gray, and he limped painfully when he
+walked. He had served on the Confederate side during the war, and still
+carried with him the evidences of sacrifice.
+
+I met him on the railway platform at a little junction town in Southern
+Tennessee. I was en route to a small college town in Upper Mississippi.
+We had had a long and tedious wait upon the fast decaying station
+platform, hoping almost against hope that at least day before
+yesterday's train would come along and pick us up, whatever might be the
+fate of the special combination of wheezy engine and spring-halted cars
+due that morning. As I nervously paced the dragging hours away I noticed
+this old fellow limping anxiously about, making over and over again of
+everybody he met the same inquiry as to the probable arrival or
+non-arrival of our train; and now and then he would hobble with
+difficulty over to a small soap box, with a slatted top, which stood
+just outside the baggage room, in which there was imprisoned a poor,
+shivering, and I fancy hungry, little fox terrier, whining to be let
+out.
+
+"Never mind, Bobby," the old man would whisper through the slatted top
+of the box. "'Taint gwine to be much longer now. We'll be home soon."
+
+The kindly attitude of the old man toward the unhappy little animal
+touched me more deeply than his own poverty-stricken condition, and so,
+yielding to a friendly impulse, I stood by him for a moment and spoke to
+him.
+
+"It's a long wait," said I.
+
+"Oh, well," he said cheerfully, straightening himself up stiffly, "it's
+so near the end I ain't complainin'. I been waitin' fohty yeahs for
+this, Brother."
+
+"Forty years?" I repeated.
+
+"Yes, suh," he replied, "fohty long yeahs, suh. I ain't been home since
+the end o' the wah, suh. An' now I'm comin' back, an' I reckon after I
+git thar thar ain't a gwine to be but one mo' journey, suh, befo' I'm
+through."
+
+[Illustration: I knew that I had met a "Southern Gentleman."]
+
+"You mean--" I began.
+
+"I'm comin' home to die, suh," he said. "Not that I'm a gwine to be in
+any hurry to do it," he added, with a winning smile, "but I'm tiahed o'
+wanderin', an' what's left o' my time hyah, suh, 'll pass mo' pleasantly
+back among the old scenes."
+
+I endeavored to cover up my emotions by offering the old man a cigar.
+
+"I thank you, suh," he said, taking it. "I'm very fond of a good
+seegyar, though I don't git 'em any too often, suh. Are you a Tennessee
+man, suh?"
+
+"No," said I. "I come from Maine. That's a good way from here."
+
+And then it came. The old fellow gave a great chuckle, and reached out
+his hand and seized me by mine.
+
+"I want to shake your hand, suh," he said with rare cordiality. "_The
+last time I see a Maine man, suh, was durin' the wah, an' I was chasin'
+him with a gun. He was a darned good runner; but I ketched him, an' I'm
+glad I did, fo' he was a dam sight better feller than he was a runner!_"
+
+I must confess that when later in the day I saw the old gentleman get
+off the train in the midst of a welcoming multitude of old friends, with
+his battered old suitcase in one hand, and the slatted soap box
+containing the yelping Bobby in the other--all his earthly
+possessions--I was glad to feel that he had come "home"; and as he waved
+a feeble but courteous adieu to me from the platform as the train drew
+out I knew that I had met a Southern gentleman of a peculiarly true and
+lovable sort.
+
+One finds much in these little jaunts in the Southland to appeal to
+one's sense of humor; but after all there is much more that appeals to
+one's sympathies. I had the pleasure of riding once in Louisiana on a
+train in company with an old Confederate soldier, who made me as
+completely his prisoner in the shackles of affectionate regard as he
+might, because of his powerful build, have made me a prisoner in fact
+had we met face to face on the field of battle. He was a man of
+convictions; but he was always so thoroughly the honest-hearted
+gentleman in presenting his points of view that, although we differed
+radically upon almost every matter of present political interest, I
+found for the moment, anyhow, a sweet reasonableness in his principles.
+His manner was so calm, and gracious, and transparently sincere, that I
+found him wholly captivating.
+
+His chance remark that he hoped to attend the great Confederate reunion
+shortly to be held at Chattanooga, or Chattanoogy, as he called it
+(there is always a soft, caressing accent in the real Southerner's
+discourse that changes a mere word or name into a term of endearment),
+naturally brought up a reference to the great conflict, and I took a
+certain amount of human pleasure out of the old man's present content
+with the general situation, as shown in the naive statement with which
+he began to talk on the subject.
+
+"You know, suh," said he, "I feel pretty well satisfied with the way
+things turned out, even though at the time, suh, I didn't want 'em to
+turn out just that a-way."
+
+"We are undoubtedly stronger as a nation to-day than if it had turned
+out differently," I ventured.
+
+"Yes, suh," he said. "If we'd got away, suh, it wouldn't ha' been long
+befo' the principle o' the right o' secession havin' been established,
+we'd all ha' been secedin' from each othah, suh; and after the States
+had done all the secedin' they could the parishes would ha' begun
+secedin' from the States; an' the towns would ha' seceded from the
+parishes--until the whole damn country would ha' landed in Mexico!"
+
+"I never thought of it in that light before," I smiled; "but I guess
+you're right."
+
+"An' that ain't all, neither, suh," he went on. "I'd ha' felt a great
+sight worse about it if we'd been licked, suh. If we'd been licked in
+that great fight, suh, I don't think I'd evah have got ovah it, suh."
+
+I maintained a discreet silence; for I could not but feel that I was on
+the verge of a great philosophical discovery.
+
+"When a fellah's licked, suh," the old man went on, "he just natcherly
+kain't help feelin' sore, suh; _but if he's merely ovahpowahed, suh--why
+that's very different_."
+
+There may be minds to which that distinction is too subtle to be either
+obvious or convincing; but the more I have thought it over since the
+more has it seemed to me to involve a profound philosophy which would
+make the world happier were it more widely accepted by those suffering
+from reverses of fortune. To me there was a whole sermon in that brief
+utterance, and the difference between being "licked" and being "merely
+overpowered" has been one out of which I have derived no end of comfort
+myself in hours of difficulty. To be whipped is one thing; to be merely
+overcome is indeed another!
+
+Nor was the old man's kindly feeling concerning the God of Things as
+They Are, as expressed in words, mere lip service; for in the course of
+our morning's chat other things developed which I am glad enough to put
+upon record for Northern eyes.
+
+"I wish," said he, "that you might stay ovah hyah at my home a day or
+two, suh, and let me take you to one of our Post meetin's, suh. We'd
+make you more than welcome."
+
+"Yank though I be, eh?" I laughed.
+
+"Yes, indeed, suh," he replied. "We ain't got anything against you on
+that score, suh. My first meetin' with Yanks in a not strictly fightin'
+capacity was once when a half a dozen of 'em took me prisoner. I found
+myself surrounded by 'em one day durin' the wah when I was doin' picket
+duty, and the way they run me in was a caution, suh. They bein' six to
+one, I just let on that I was satisfied if they was."
+
+"And what did they do to you?" I asked.
+
+"They near killed me, suh, with seegyars, and mo' real food than I'd
+seen in six months," he said with a chuckle. "The' wasn't anything they
+had, from plug tobacker and seegyars up to a real meat dinner that I
+didn't git mo' 'n my faiah share of."
+
+"And how long did they keep you?" I queried.
+
+"Fo' as long as I was willin' to stay, suh," was his reply. "The minute
+they see I was beginnin' to feel oneasy they run me back to the line
+again, and turned me loose. Speakin' about Yanks," he went on, "we've
+got five of 'em buried in our own Confederate graveyard in the cemetery,
+suh; and I'm kind of afraid it won't be long befo' they's six of 'em.
+One of yo' old soldiers from up No'th come down here fo' his health last
+year; but he's gone down steadily, and I reckon it ain't for long that
+he'll be with us. When we heard he was an old soldier our Post sent him
+to the hospital, and he's dyin' there now. He seemed to feel so bad
+about the idee o' bein' buried in the Potter's Field that we voted to
+give him a grave with the rest of the boys, and when he goes he'll lie
+with soldiers, like he's allers wanted to do."
+
+I could not find any words in the languages known to me, dead or alive,
+to express what I felt, and so I kept silent.
+
+"He won't be forgotten, neither, after he gits there," the old fellow
+went on. "We have our Memorial Day, just as you have your Decoration
+Day, and every year we go up to the lot and decorate the graves of 'em
+all, Yank or Johnny, just the same. We put a little Confederate flag at
+the head of every grave that holds one of our own; and every one o' them
+Yanks has a little flag at the head of his grave too, only his is the
+flag he fought for, just as ours is the flag we fought for. It's a
+pretty sight, my friend," he added softly, "with them five little
+American flags flutterin' away among the sixty or seventy others."
+
+Verily this Southern hospitality is no vain thing, no mere empty show,
+or ingratiating veneer to make a spurious article seem real. Personal
+interest may sometimes rest at the basis of a seeming courtesy.
+Selfishness may lie often at the bottom of a superficial graciousness of
+manner assumed for the moment to conceal that very selfishness; but the
+hospitality that leads a body of old soldiers to grant at their own
+cost, and to take care of with their own loving hands, a green resting
+place, a last sanctuary, for a former foe, that indeed is an unselfish,
+genuine kind of hospitality which, like the peace of God, passeth all
+understanding.
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+GETTING THE LEVEL
+
+
+One of the more serious dangers confronting the platform speaker is the
+presumption that his audience will not prove sufficiently intelligent to
+grasp him when he is at what he thinks is his best. I use the word
+"presumption" advisedly; for it is sheer presumption and nothing else,
+and I may add that if my experience has taught me anything, it is that
+it does not pay to be so presuming. If there is trouble anywhere in
+"getting one's stuff over," as the saying is, the fault will be found in
+ninety-nine cases out of a hundred to be with the lecturer, and not with
+his audience.
+
+My most earnest advice to those platform speakers who feel it necessary
+to "get _down_ to the level" of an audience, instead of feeling an
+inward urge to climb _up_ to it, is that they give up the platform
+altogether, and take up some other occupation where conscious
+superiority really counts; say that of head waiter in a New York
+restaurant, for instance, or possibly that of literary critic on the
+staff of a periodical, whose chief concern is pink socks, lavender
+neckties, and the mysteries of lingerie. In these occupations conscious
+superiority is an essential of success; but on the lecture platform the
+consciously superior person cannot in the very nature of things last
+very long: not in this country, anyhow; for, as I have studied the
+American people face to face for the past ten years in every State of
+the Union, I have learned that their capacity for pricking a bubble of
+pretense on sight is surpassed only by their high appreciation of a
+speaker who immediately gets into the atmosphere of the special occasion
+confronting him.
+
+For my own part, I have come to believe that each occasion establishes
+its own "best," and that the chief duty confronting me is to measure up
+to the "best" demanded by that occasion if I can. For this reason one's
+lecture should be a moderately flexible affair, which can be so adjusted
+to each and every occasion that it fits an audience as nicely as a
+tailor-made garment. A lecture written out beforehand and committed to
+memory can never quite fulfil these requirements. It becomes not a
+lecture, but an essay; not platform work, but literary work; should be
+read, not heard; and in its delivery becomes not a sympathetic talk, man
+to man, but a mere recitation.
+
+No one would be so foolish as to deny, however, that audiences do vary
+materially in their capacity to take in the subtler points of a lecture
+"fired" at them from the platform. I should not think of using the same
+phrases in a talk before a gathering in an East Side settlement house in
+New York that I would use before the ladies of a Browning Club in the
+vicinity of Boston, or before a body of college professors, or vice
+versa. But if I were fortunate enough to be asked to address all three,
+I should endeavor to vary the wording of my discourse according to the
+several needs of each, and base my notion of my "best" upon the demands
+of those particular needs. I confess also that if in one single audience
+all three classes of listeners were represented, I should not hesitate
+to put my thought into the language required by the capacity of the East
+Siders to understand, and be fairly assured of pleasing everybody; for
+it is my observation of the ways of ladies addicted to Browning, and of
+gentlemen of the academic kind, that they are after all very human, and
+enjoy simplicity of discourse quite as much as the other sort.
+
+[Illustration: "The consciously superior person cannot last long on the
+lecture platform."]
+
+There is greater sincerity in "playing to the gallery" than most of the
+critics of that habit dream of, and personally I would rather fall short
+of the expectations of the boxes than fail in the eyes of the gallery,
+where reticence in the expression of critical opinion is not exactly a
+conspicuous virtue. To put it more plainly, I should infinitely prefer
+the humiliation of seeing a highborn lady falling asleep in an orchestra
+chair because of the bromidic quality of my talk, than be reminded of
+the same by flying vegetable matter consigned to me by some dissatisfied
+individual sitting up among the "gods."
+
+An amusing, if somewhat radical, contrast in audiences befell my lot
+several years ago in the brief space of sixteen hours. In that time I
+successively addressed the Harvard Union at Cambridge on a Tuesday
+evening, and the ladies of a Woman's Club in a Boston suburb the
+following morning. The audience at the Union was gathered in the
+wonderfully beautiful auditorium of Memorial Hall, and contained not
+less than twelve hundred particularly live wires, undergraduates mostly,
+almost fresh from the football field, or at least still under the
+influence of its system of expressing approval.
+
+As I mounted the rostrum bedlam broke loose: not necessarily as a
+tribute to myself, but because frenzy is the modern collegiate way of
+making a visitor feel welcome. Thunderous noises never yet classified
+shook the rafters--noises ranging from the hoarse clamor of an excited
+populace at the finish of some great Olympian event, to the somewhat
+uncertain cackle of a freshman voice changing from soprano to bass.
+Pandemonium did not reign: it poured. Not since I visited the London Zoo
+and witnessed there a fight between two caged lions to the excited,
+clamorous interest of all the other beasts imprisoned there, have I
+heard such a variegated din as greeted me on that occasion, and I
+realized sympathetically for the first time perhaps the true
+significance of Theodore Roosevelt's "dee-lighted" smile when as
+President of the United States he took his annual stroll across the
+football field at a Harvard and Yale game, and listened to the "voice of
+the people." So contagious was it that I had all I could do to keep from
+joining in myself and only the necessity of saving my voice for my
+lecture prevented me from being myself heard above the din.
+
+That noise was the keynote of the evening. I think I may say with due
+modesty that my lecture had one or two touches of humor in it--three or
+four, in fact--varying in character from the "scarcely perceptible
+subtle" to the "inevitably obvious," with other sorts sandwiched in
+between, and none of them was lost; although I was not permitted to
+finish many of my sentences. The audience seemed to get in ahead of me
+every time.
+
+The situation reminded me in a way of the grandstand finish of a poor
+paralyzed old darky named Joe, of whom I was once told by a Pullman car
+porter on my way through Montana. Joe had been a famous sportsman in his
+day; but now misfortune had overtaken him, and he lay bedridden, wholly
+unable to use his legs, and awaiting the end. Several of his friends,
+taking pity on him, resolved to give him the joy of one last glorious
+coon hunt.
+
+They put him on a stretcher and carried him out into the country where
+that luscious creature "abounded and abutted." The dogs were let loose,
+and finally showed unusual activity at the base of a tall tree; but, to
+the dismay of all, the game turned out to be no coon, but a particularly
+hungry, sore-headed, old she-bear.
+
+As the roaring beast clambered down after her tormentors, Joe's litter
+bearers, terrified, dropped their burden and made off down the road in
+coward flight, and it was not until an hour after they had reached home
+in safety that they thought of the possible fate of their paralytic
+friend. Conscience-stricken, they resolved to go to Joe's home and
+break the news of their cowardly behavior to the presumable widow. The
+good woman met them at the door.
+
+"What yo' niggahs want round here dis time o' night?" she demanded.
+
+"We come to tell yo' 'bout Joe, Mis' Johnsing," said the embarrassed
+spokesman.
+
+"Yo' kain't tell me nothin' 'bout Joe what Ah don' know a'ready,"
+replied Mrs. Johnson coldly.
+
+"Yas'm; but yo' don' know whar Joe is, Mis' Johnsing," persisted the
+speaker. "We done--"
+
+"Yas, Ah do know whar Joe is," retorted the lady. "He's upstairs in he
+bed."
+
+"In he bed?" echoed the astonished visitors.
+
+"Yass," said Mrs. Johnson. "Joe come in ovah an hour ago hollerin' like
+a bullgine fohty yahds ahead o' de dawgs."
+
+I think I may say without exaggeration that that Harvard Union audience
+even beat Joe's record; for they were twice "fohty yahds ahead o' de
+dawgs" all the way through, and as for "hollerin'" they were not so much
+like one single "bullgine" as like a whole roundhouse full of them,
+aided and abetted by a couple of boiler factories in full blast.
+
+And then, only sixteen hours later, came the address at the Woman's Club
+ten miles out of Boston; the same lecture, in a quiet drawing room,
+before forty ladies who embroidered and crocheted while I talked, and
+here the point that had raised the roof and shaken the foundations of
+the Harvard Union was greeted by the _tapping of a thimble against the
+wooden frame of an embroidery hoop_!
+
+I cannot say which of the two varieties of approval pleased me more; but
+I will say that no idea of talking "up" or "down" to my audience
+occurred to me on either occasion: it was rather a matter of "getting
+across."
+
+One never can tell save by the "feel" of things in the hour of action
+how they are going to turn out. Only this last season I found myself,
+through a misapprehension of the character of my engagement, standing
+before an audience in a New England amusement park on a Sunday
+afternoon. I will say frankly that if I had known that I was to be a
+sideshow to a Ferris Wheel and a scenic railway, with pink lemonade on
+tap everywhere, and "all for ten cents," I should not have accepted the
+engagement. While I have admired them at a respectful distance, I have
+never envied the wild man of Borneo or the bearded lady their
+opportunities for personal enrichment; but on this occasion in some way
+or other I had gained an impression that my date had been arranged by,
+and was to be under the auspices of, a combination of church interests,
+designed to offset the evils of Sunday afternoon idleness in a
+manufacturing town. It was a misunderstanding, however, that I now
+rejoice in; for, amusement park or not, sideshow or main ring, I found
+it an enjoyable and educating experience.
+
+I approached it in fear and trembling, especially when I noticed as I
+was awaiting my "turn" the vast quantities of chewing gum that were
+being sold to my audience by the inevitable boy with the basket. There
+is always something disconcerting to a public speaker in the constant,
+simultaneous, and automatic movement of other jaws than his own, and in
+the face of a collective jaw, made up of sixteen hundred lowers that
+chewed as one, I feared that mine, singly and alone, would find the odds
+against it overpowering. Strange to say, however, my real fear on this
+occasion was not on the score of my audience, but whether I should be
+able to acquit myself creditably before them. I have fondly hoped that
+my little talk contained a message, and as I observed these seekers
+after pleasure slowly gathering, and taking their places on tiers of
+pine benches under the kindly shade of a row of noble pines, it occurred
+to me that if there was any fruitful soil for my message anywhere it was
+in the hearts of just such people as sat before me--toilers, the humbler
+folk, the men and women whose lives had been too busy with
+bread-and-butter problems for the acquirement of culture, and whose sole
+opportunity for amusement, uplifting or otherwise, came on these very
+Sunday afternoons.
+
+There were men and boys there who under other conditions might have been
+idling on street corners. I counted three Chinese, several Japanese, and
+a half-dozen Negroes in my audience. A dozen women had their babies with
+them, and many a small kiddie, too young to chew gum without exposure to
+the peril of swallowing it, nibbled and absorbed ginger cookies as I
+watched them. The question became _not_ were they good enough for me,
+but could I convince them that I was good enough for them. It was not a
+question of "getting down to their level," but of my own ability to
+climb up to the level of my opportunity. For the time being whatever
+superiority there was was altogether on their side, and the point was
+how I could prove myself the real thing, and not the artificial; how I
+could find the common denominator which would enable us to get on "like
+a house afire" together.
+
+As I was speaking the solution came--and a mighty simple one it turned
+out to be; for it lay wholly in the simplest possible use of the English
+language. "Cut out the big words," I said to myself. "Cut out all
+unfamiliar terms. Get right down to good old Anglo-Saxon. Drop such
+jawbreakers as _differentiate_, _terminology_, _intimations_,
+_implications_, and _psychological_." My chief hope became that I might
+once more at least measure up to that condition which was clearly set
+forth a great many years ago by a Western chairman, at a time when I was
+too much of a novice to do my work even passably well, who said to me as
+we walked to my hotel after the lecture was over:
+
+"We don't care so much for your lecture, Mr. Bangs; but we like you, and
+we're going to have you back."
+
+Whether or not my plan was successful I shall not attempt to say; but I
+may be pardoned, perhaps, for recording here one of the most delightful
+compliments I have ever had, paid me by a threadbare workingman who came
+up behind me as I was leaving the park that afternoon, and put his arm
+through mine as he spoke.
+
+"Are you goin' to speak here to-night, Brother?" he said.
+
+"No," said I. "I am hurrying off to Boston on the five o'clock train."
+
+"Well, I'm sorry," said he. "I wanted to come out and hear ye again."
+
+Bearing upon the cultivation, or lack of it, of the average American
+audience, I recall a remark made to me several years ago by a well-known
+poet from the shores of Britain, who had come here to lecture on the
+Celtic Renaissance.
+
+"I have had a most delightful surprise," said he, "in the wonderful
+amount of real culture that I have found in the United States, and
+especially in the smaller communities. Why, do you know," he added,
+"when I first started in on my work I supposed that I should have to
+spend at least half of my time explaining to my audiences just what a
+Renaissance was, and the rest in consideration of the Irish movement;
+but I hadn't been here a week before I discovered that for the most part
+the people I was to talk to knew quite as much as I did about the
+history of the movement, and I had all I could do to shed any new light
+on it whatsoever."
+
+He had, fortunately for himself, made the discovery at a critical part
+of the "lecture game," as some people delight to call it, that it was up
+to him to keep climbing, and not waste any of his valuable time trying
+to descend to a lower level, if he wished his discourse to be favorably
+regarded in this country--a discovery that I devoutly wish some of our
+modern editors and theatrical managers, who think they must cater
+exclusively to a "lowbrow" audience, as they call it, a clientele made
+up out of the whole cloth of their own imaginings, might make.
+
+Our wonderful West frequently affords illuminating incidents
+demonstrating the real truth, as discovered by our distinguished
+visitor. I remember going a few years ago into a small community in
+Iowa, where possibly the English lecturer would have looked for very
+little in the way of what he would consider learning. When sitting in
+the office of the chairman of the lecture committee, a particularly
+alert young man, a lawyer, and a graduate of the Harvard Law School, the
+door opened, and a splendid specimen of physical manhood, a typical
+pioneer in appearance, stalked in. The chairman introduced me to him.
+
+"Mr. Bangs," said he, "I want you to know my father."
+
+The caller gave my hand a grip that even now makes my fingers ache every
+time I think of it. He then led me to a comfortable, leather-covered arm
+chair, and, after almost shoving me into its capacious depths, seated
+himself directly in front of me.
+
+"Sit down, young man," said he. "I want to talk to you."
+
+"Fire ahead!" said I. "And thank you for calling me a young man. I've
+been feeling a trifle old for a couple of days."
+
+"Well, you are young compared to me," he said. "I'm eighty."
+
+"Good Lord!" said I. "You don't look over sixty, anyhow."
+
+"No," he smiled, "I don't--but that's Ioway. I've been farmin' out here
+for nigh onto seventy years, and we're all too busy to grow old. We live
+forever in Ioway. It's the grandest country on the footstool."
+
+I didn't feel at all inclined to dispute him, considering his more than
+six feet of towering height, the fresh, healthful hardness of his
+weather-beaten face, the breadth of his shoulders, and depth of his
+chest. I contented myself with agreeing with him. And I didn't have to
+work hard to do that, either; for I have known magnificent Iowa as a
+most salubrious State for many years.
+
+"Well, you see, sir," I said, "we can't all pick out our birthplaces. I
+was born in New York through no choice of my own. Some are born at
+birthplaces, some achieve birthplaces, and others have birthplaces
+thrust upon them--which last was my case."
+
+"Same here," said he. "I was born in Ohier; but my folks moved out here
+when I was a babby. I've lived here ever since--and I'm glad of it. Of
+course I hain't had your advantages in gettin' an eddication--most o'
+mine's in my wife's name--but I've got some, and I've had to work so dam
+hard to get it that sometimes I think I appreciate it just a leetle more
+than you Eastern boys do who have it served to you on a silver platter.
+I didn't know how to read till I was twenty-five."
+
+"I congratulate you," said I. "Considering the sort of things the
+greater part of our young people are reading to-day, I wish that
+condition might prevail a little more widely than it does."
+
+"That's it," said he. "When a thing comes too easy we're not likely to
+make the best of it. When I think of how I had to sweat to learn to read
+you don't ketch me wastin' any o' my talents in that direction on
+trash."
+
+"Then," I put in, "the chances are you've never read any of my books."
+
+"Not many of 'em," he answered; "but one or two folks I know has read
+'em, and they tell me there's nothin' deelyterious about 'em. But I tell
+ye it was some work for me to get the knack o' readin'; but when it come
+it come! Ye see, when I first come out here they wasn't any schools, and
+they wasn't any too much help around in those days, either. What with
+farmin', and diggin' food out o' the ground, and fightin' Injuns, they
+wasn't much spare time for children to spend in schools, even if we'd a
+had 'em. But along about the time I was twenty-three years old we
+started one. We built a little schoolhouse, and then we sent East for a
+schoolmarm, and when she come she boarded up at our house, and I
+celebrated by fallin' head over heels in love with her."
+
+"Good work!" said I.
+
+"You bet it was good work!" he blurted out, with an admiring glance at
+his son. "It was the best work I ever done, and the best part of it was
+she liked me, and the first thing we knew we got married. Well, sir, do
+you know what happened then? You're a smart man, and you won't need many
+guesses. It was the very thing we might ha' foreseen. The idee o' me,
+the husband o' the schoolmarm, not knowin' how to read--why,
+it--was--simply--pree--posterous!"
+
+I don't believe Colonel Roosevelt ever put more syrupy electricity into
+the first syllable of his famous "dee-lighted" than that old gentleman
+got into the _pre_ of his "preeposterous."
+
+"Yes, sir," he ran on, "and there was no way out of it but that she
+should teach me to read. _And she did!_ It was a tough proposition for
+that wonderful teacher of mine; but her patience finally pulled us
+through, and at the end of about a year I was ready to tackle 'most any
+kind of stunt in the way of a printed page. And then the burning
+question arose. Now that I know how, what in Dothan shall I read? That's
+a big problem, my friend, to a young feller that has earned his right to
+literature by the sweat of his brow. I wasn't goin' to waste any of my
+new gift on flashy stuff. What I wanted was the real thing, and one
+mornin' the problem was solved. A copy of a weekly paper come to the
+house, with an advertisement in it of a book called 'The Origin of the
+Species,' by a feller named Darwin, costin' two dollars and a half. That
+was some money in those days; but somehow or other that title sounded
+good and hefty, and I sent my little two-fifty by mail to the publisher,
+and within a week or two 'The Origin of the Species' was duly received,
+and I went at it."
+
+"And what did you make out of it?" I asked, my interest truly aroused.
+
+"Nothin'--not the first dam thing at first," said the old gentleman;
+"except it made me wonder if I hadn't lost my mind, or something. I sat
+down to read the thing, and by thunder, sir, I couldn't make head nor
+tail out of it! I'd always thought I knew something about the English
+language; but this time I was stumped, and it made me mad.
+
+"'There's something happened to me,' I said to my wife. 'I've read this
+darned first page here over five times, and I'm blest if I can get a
+glimmer of anythin' out of it.' She smiled and advised me to try
+something easier; but, '_Not--on--your--life!_' says I. 'I've been
+through fire and famine and wind and blizzard in my day. I've seen the
+roof over my head burnt to a cinder by savages, and I've fit Injuns, and
+come nigh bein' scalped by 'em, and in all my life, my dear,' says I, 'I
+hain't never been stumped yit, and I don't preepose to begin now,
+specially by a page o' printed words, said to be writ in the English
+language--_not--on--your--life!_'
+
+"So I went at it again. I read it, and I reread it. I wrastled with
+every page, paragraph, and sentence in that book. Sometimes I had to put
+as much as five days on one page--but by Gorry, son, _when_ I got it I
+got it good, and when it come it come with a rush--and _now_--"
+
+The old man paused, drew himself up very straight, and squaring his
+shoulders he leaned forward and put his hands on my knees.
+
+[Illustration: "If there's anything you want to know about Darwin's
+Origin of Species, you ask me!"]
+
+"And _now_, my friend," he said, his eye flashing with the joy of
+victory, "_if there's anything you want to know about Darwin's Origin of
+the Species--you--just--ask--me!_"
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+THE GOOD SAMARITAN
+
+
+If there is any man in this wide world who doubts the beauty and heart
+significance of the Parable of the Good Samaritan, he need only go out
+upon the lecture platform to have his eyes opened. I know of no workers
+in the whole field of human effort this side of tramphood itself who
+need more often the intervention of the Good Samaritan to get them out
+of trouble than the followers of that same profession.
+
+Indeed, I shall not even except the profession of the Hobo; for there is
+a certain license granted to this latter sort of Knight of the Road that
+is denied to us of the Lyceum Circuit. We are prone to forgive a hungry
+tramp for breaking into a casual hencoop in search of the wherewithal to
+satisfy the cravings of an empty stomach, and when his weary bones
+demand a bed there are numerous expedients to which he may resort
+without loss of dignity. I doubt, however, that if Dr. Hillis, or the
+Hon. Champ Clark, or my humble self, were ever caught red-handed with a
+farmer's fowls dangling by their legs from our fists, or were to be
+discovered stealing a nap in the soft seclusion of a convenient hayloft,
+we should get off quite so easily as do poor old Dusty Rhodes and his
+famous colleague Weary Waggles.
+
+Even as do our less loquacious brothers who foot it across country, and
+earn their living by making after-dinner speeches to sympathetic
+farmers' wives, so also do we more advanced members of the Fraternity of
+Wanderers have often to throw ourselves upon the tender mercies of
+others to get us out of the unexpected scrapes into which the most
+careful of us sometimes fall. Life is ordinarily no very simple thing,
+even to the man who lives all his days in one spot, and knows every
+curve, crook, and corner of his special surroundings. How much more
+complicated must it become, then, to him who has to change his spots
+every twenty-four hours, and day after day, night in and night out,
+readjust himself to new and unfamiliar conditions!
+
+For the most part our troubles, such as they are, have to do with the
+natural perversity of train schedules, or unexpected visitations of
+Nature which will disarrange the most carefully forecast calculations of
+men. In the machinery of our existence there are probably more human
+cogs involved, which require our own individual attention, than in any
+other known mechanism. Even the actor on the road is better looked after
+than are we; for he has a manager to arrange for his transportation, to
+look after his luggage, and to attend to all the little things that go
+to make or mar the comfort of travel while we of the platform go out
+wholly upon our own, unattended, and compelled at all times to shift for
+ourselves.
+
+I have been in many a scrape en route myself; but so far none of them
+has found me without some personally devised expedient for my relief, or
+the aid of a chance Good Samaritan, whose constant nearness in the hour
+of need has convinced me that there are many more of his kind in
+existence than most people are willing to admit. I have almost gone so
+far at times as to believe in the "intervention of Providence," and
+would quite do so did I not feel the idea somewhat belittling to the
+Divine Intelligence that orders our goings out and our comings in.
+
+On one occasion in the Far West I was so close to a scene of actual
+murder that I might readily have been held as a material witness, and
+escaped that great inconvenience only by pursuing the exceedingly
+difficult policy of holding my tongue--always an arduous proposition for
+a professional talker. I have faced starvation on a delayed train in
+Oklahoma, starvation setting in in my case after fifteen hours without
+food, and been suddenly relieved by the wholly chance appearance, at the
+tail end of the train, dropping seemingly out of the mysterious regions
+of Nowhere, of an Italian driving a wagonload of bananas across the
+track, just as the train was starting along on another interminably
+foodless stretch; an Italian who with remarkably quick wit--in response
+to the lure of a new, shining silver dollar tossed into his
+wagon--heaved a bunch of his stock large enough to feed an orphan asylum
+on to the back platform.
+
+I have even been threatened with complete annihilation, physical and
+spiritual alike, by a man big enough to carry out his threat, unless I
+would join him in a cocktail at six o'clock in the morning, and escaped
+my doom, not as a great many readers may think, by accepting the
+invitation, but only through the timely intervention on my behalf of
+the blessed gift of sleep, which descended suddenly, and without
+apparent cause, upon my convivial adversary before he had time to carry
+out his amiable intentions looking toward my removal from the face of
+the earth.
+
+But there have been other times when nothing short of the sudden
+appearance of the Good Samaritan himself has saved me from disaster. Two
+of these instances I recall with feelings of gratitude, and I record
+them here with sincere pleasure, since it may be that my willing helpers
+may read what I have written about them, and learn from the record
+something of the lasting quality of my grateful appreciation of their
+courtesy.
+
+The first of these incidents occurred in the distant city of Los Angeles
+on a memorable afternoon when I was to all intents and purposes
+stranded; not for the lack of ready money, but for the want of
+transportation necessary to get me from where I was to the haven where I
+was critically needed at that moment. It was a matter of making a train
+or losing a whole chain of profitable engagements, arranged in such
+sequence that if one were lost the others would in all probability go
+also.
+
+I was due to lecture in the beautiful California city on a Wednesday
+evening, and was to go thence to Salt Lake City for a Friday night
+lecture. Unfortunately for me it happened that on Tuesday I was booked
+at Tucson, Arizona, and with a strange carelessness of consequences
+somebody had thrown a glass of water on the tracks of the Southern
+Pacific Railroad, and thereby completely demoralized the roadbed. I do
+not wish to libel that useful railway system; but at that time the
+casual impression of the traveler on the Southern Pacific was that its
+rails had been laid on water, and were ballasted with quicksand. It
+should be added in justification of the conditions that the
+irrepressible Salton Sea, a body of water that has no known parentage in
+the matter of sources, or real destiny in the matter of utility, and
+acts accordingly, had been on one of its periodic rampages, the proper
+handling of which had taxed to the uttermost the ingenuity of the
+engineers on whose shoulders the responsibility for the line rested. It
+was Nature who was to blame, and not the authorities.
+
+At any rate, however, there were such serious delays on my way from
+Tucson to Los Angeles that, scheduled to lecture at the latter city at
+eight P.M. on Wednesday evening, I did not arrive there until four
+o'clock on Thursday morning, and even a Western audience will not submit
+to any such delay as that. Thanks to the quick wit of my principals, who
+stood to lose a considerable stake by my failure to appear, another
+lecture was arranged for Thursday afternoon at one o'clock, although my
+train for Salt Lake was scheduled to leave at two-forty-five. The plan
+was for me to take a carriage out to the lecture hall, about forty
+minutes' drive from the center of activity, to go upon the platform
+promptly at one o'clock, to condense my talk into one hour, to leave the
+platform at two, and drive hurriedly over to the San Pedro station, and
+catch my train with five minutes to spare.
+
+The first part of the program was carried out to the letter, and at five
+minutes after two I was at the entrance of the hall ready for my drive
+to the station. But there was no carriage or vehicle of any other known
+sort in sight. Through some misunderstanding either on my part or on
+that of the local managers, the carriage that brought me out had not
+waited, and there was no substitute to be had within reach. What to do
+became a most embarrassing question. The succeeding dates had been
+arranged in such a way that if I failed to catch that train to Salt Lake
+City my whole tour would come down with a crash.
+
+Fortunately there was a rather fine boulevard running in front of the
+hall, a rare temptation to speeders both in motors and with horseflesh;
+and as my managers and I were standing on the curb, expressing our
+opinion as to the intelligence of hackmen in general and ourselves in
+particular, and hopelessly scanning the horizon in search of relief,
+there suddenly emerged out of the gloom, coming along at a rapid pace, a
+horse lover, seated in a light wagon, and driving a big bay trotter of
+no mean abilities. He was striking nothing poorer than a two-forty gait,
+and as he loomed bigger and bigger as he drew nearer he looked like a
+runaway avalanche; but as he came the idea flashed across my mind that
+here was my only salvation. I therefore sprang out into the middle of
+the road, directly in his path, and waved my arms violently at him. The
+driver drew in his reins with a jerk, and man, horse, buggy, and all
+came to a sliding, grinding stop. I cannot say that his first remark was
+wholly cordial.
+
+"What the dash is the matter with you?" he roared.
+
+I panted out my explanation--how my carriage had not come, how much
+depended on my catching my train, and how completely I had relied on
+him.
+
+"Oh, that's it, eh?" he said, amiably calming down. "I thought you'd
+escaped from a lunatic asylum or something. Jump in. I can't take you
+all the way to the station, because I've got an engagement myself at
+two-fifteen; but I'll land you at the hotel in a jiffy."
+
+I needed no second bidding, and in a moment we were bounding along at
+breakneck speed in the direction of the city. We covered the distance
+that had consumed forty minutes before the lecture in twelve minutes,
+and all seemed well--only it was not well; for, arriving at the hotel, I
+found myself still fifteen minutes distant from the railway station, and
+not a taxi or other kind of cab to be had. What was more, the electric
+roads were blocked by a fire or something farther up the street. I was
+as badly off as ever--and then entered the Good Samaritan!
+
+As I stood there in front of the hotel making sundry observations, most
+of them unprintable, concerning the quality of my luck, a man of fine
+appearance came out of the hotel and stepped quickly across the sidewalk
+to a large touring car that stood awaiting him by the curb. He opened
+the door, and after seating himself in the tonneau leaned forward to
+give his instructions to his chauffeur, when I was seized with the
+inspiration that here indeed was truly my White Hope. Again I took my
+chances. I sprang forward, laid my hand gently on his arm, and blurted
+out:
+
+[Illustration: "I cannot say that his first remark was wholly cordial."]
+
+"Excuse me, sir, but my name is Bangs--John Kendrick Bangs. I am out
+here lecturing, and if I don't catch that two-forty-five train for Salt
+Lake City I shall lose half a dozen engagements. If you have ever read
+any of my books and liked them, sir, you will be willing to do me a
+service. If you've read 'em and not liked them, you'll be glad to get me
+out of town. Won't you be a Good Samaritan and give me a lift to the
+station? _You're my only hope!_"
+
+"Sure thing!" he answered without an instant's hesitation, opening the
+door. "Get in--and, James," he added, turning to the chauffeur, "the San
+Pedro station, and never mind the speed limit."
+
+I clambered into the car as quickly as I could, and the car fairly
+leaped forward.
+
+"It's mighty good of you," said I breathlessly as we sped along.
+
+"Don't mention it, Mr. Bangs," said my host. "Glad to be of service to
+you. I read your 'House-Boat-on-the-Styx' once with a great deal of
+pleasure; but there's one thing about you that I like a great sight
+better than I do your humor."
+
+"What's that?" I asked.
+
+"_Your nerve, sir_," he replied, handing out a cigar.
+
+We caught the train with eight minutes to spare, and as it drew out of
+the station I realized possibly for the first time in my life that in my
+particular line of business _nerve_ is a vastly better asset than
+_nerves_, and I have faithfully cultivated the one and resolutely
+refused to admit the existence of the other ever since, to my very great
+advantage.
+
+It may not be without interest to record here that in spite of all my
+trials and tribulations at Los Angeles, the Salt Lake City engagement
+was lost. Our engine broke down in the wilds of Nevada, and we did not
+reach Salt Lake until long after midnight the following night.
+Nevertheless I kept my hand in; for in response to the request of some
+of my fellow passengers I delivered my lecture that night in the
+observation car of the stalled train in the Nevada hills, to an audience
+made up of fifteen fellow travelers, the train crew, and a half-dozen
+Pullman porters.
+
+I hesitate to think of what might have been my fate had I employed
+similar tactics to get me out of such troubles in New York or Boston, or
+some other of our Eastern cities. The chances are that my name would
+have been spread upon the blotter of some police court as a disorderly
+person; but in our great West--well, things seem somehow very different
+out there. There are not so many sky-scrapers in that part of the
+country, and the horizon of humanity may therefore be a little broader;
+and perhaps too the strugglers out there are closer to the period of
+their own trials and tribulations than we are here in the East, and
+become in consequence more instantly sympathetic when they see the
+signal of distress flying before them.
+
+The second incident occurred nearer home. It was in Ohio, at the time of
+the floods that wrought such havoc in Dayton and thereabouts in the
+spring of 1913. I had lectured the night before at Ironton, and on my
+way to Cleveland was to all intents and purposes marooned at Columbus.
+Much doubt existed as to whether traffic out of Columbus was at all
+possible, so completely demoralized were all the railroads centering
+there. It is a cardinal principle with lyceum workers, however, to make
+every possible effort to get through to their engagements at whatever
+inconvenience or cost. So in spite of the warnings of subordinate
+officials I took my chances and went out on a morning train which
+passengers took at their own peril, through scenes of dreadful
+desolation, and over a disquietingly soggy roadbed, until the train
+reached an Ohio city which I shall not identify by name here. While I
+have no hard feelings against it, or against any of its citizens, I
+cannot bring myself to speak of it in terms of "endearment," as I should
+much prefer to do.
+
+At this point our train came to a standstill, and the announcement was
+made that it would be impossible to get through to Cleveland because all
+the bridges had been washed away. Motoring over for the same reason was
+out of the question, and the engagement was lost. I immediately repaired
+to the telegraph office and sent off several despatches--to the
+Cleveland people, announcing my inability to get through; to my agents,
+telling them of my plight; and to my family, assuring them of my safety.
+These telegrams broke my "financial back"; for when I had paid for them
+I found myself with only forty cents left in my pocket, marooned
+possibly for days in wettest Ohio, hungry as a bear, and not a friend in
+sight.
+
+I did not worry much over the situation, however; for on several other
+occasions when I found myself penniless in the West and in the South I
+had not found any trouble in getting some one to cash my check. So,
+after assuring myself that my train would be held there for at least two
+or three hours before returning to Columbus, I set off blithe-heartedly
+to secure the replenishment of my pocket. In the heavy rain I walked up
+the main thoroughfare of the little city, and to my great relief espied
+a national bank on one of the four corners of its square. I walked
+boldly in and addressed the cashier, telling him my story with a few
+"well chosen words."
+
+"I thought possibly," said I, as he listened without too great a display
+of interest, "that in view of all these circumstances you would be
+willing to take a chance on me, and cash my check for twenty-five
+dollars."
+
+"Why, my dear sir," he replied, "_this is a bank_!"
+
+I restrained a facetious impulse to tell him that I was surprised to
+hear it, having come in under the impression that it was a butcher shop,
+where I could possibly buy an umbrella, or a much needed eight-day
+clock.
+
+"I know," I contented myself with saying, smiling the while. "That's why
+I came here for money."
+
+"Well, you've come to the wrong place," he blurted out. "_We are not
+running an asylum to give first aid to the injured!_"
+
+"Thank you, sir," I replied. "You are quite right, and perhaps I should
+not have asked such a favor--but I'll tell you one thing," I added.
+"To-morrow or next day when the Governor of this State issues his appeal
+for aid for the stricken, as he surely will, you will find that the
+financial men in that part of the world where I come from are running
+just such institutions, and when that golden horde for the relief of
+your people pours in from mine I hope it will make you properly ashamed
+of yourself, if you are not so already."
+
+It was as fruitless as reading a Wordsworth sonnet on nature to a
+rhinoceros; for all he did was to grunt.
+
+"Humph!" said he, and I walked out.
+
+Another bank was soon found, where I secured not accommodation but a
+more courteous refusal. The president of the bank was one of the most
+sympathetic souls I have ever met, and would gladly cash anybody's draft
+for me; but my own check, that was out of the question. He was a trustee
+of the funds in his charge--poor chap, apparently without a cent of his
+own on deposit. However, he was courteous, and vocally sympathetic. He
+realized very keenly the difficulties of my position, and actually
+escorted me as far as the door to see me safely to the perils of the
+pave, expressing the hope that I would soon find some way out of my
+difficulty. I returned to the train, ate thirty cents' worth of sardines
+in the dining car, gave the waiter a ten-cent tip, and repaired to the
+smoking compartment absolutely penniless. A number of others were
+gathered there, and we naturally fell into discussing the day's
+adventures.
+
+"Well," said I, "I've just had one of the strangest experiences of my
+life. I've been in all parts of the United States in the last eight
+years, and never until to-day have I found a place so poor in sympathy,
+and easy money, that I couldn't get my check cashed if I happened to
+need the funds. Why, I've known a Mississippi hotelkeeper who was so
+poor that his wife had to do all the chambermaid's work in the house, to
+go out at midnight to _borrow_ twenty-five dollars from a neighbor to
+help me out; but here, with this flood knocking everything galley west,
+I can't raise a cent!"
+
+And I went on and narrated my experience with the two national banks as
+recorded here.
+
+"Well, by George!" ejaculated one of the men seated opposite to me,
+slapping his knee vigorously as I finished. "I'm an Ohio man, sir, and
+I blush for the State. I'll cash your check for you on your looks. How
+much do you want?"
+
+"Twenty-five dollars," said I.
+
+"All right," he said, pulling a well-filled wallet from his pocket, and
+counting out five five-dollar bills. "There's the stuff."
+
+I thanked him, and drawing my check handed it over to him. He took it,
+and glanced at the signature.
+
+"_What?_" he exploded. "_The Idiot?_"
+
+This was the title of one of my books.
+
+"Guilty!" said I.
+
+"Here, you!" he cried, pulling his wallet again from his pocket, and
+holding it wide open, displaying a tempting bundle of ten-dollar bills
+within. "_Here--just help yourself!_"
+
+And yet there are people in this world who ask if "literature" pays!
+
+About the most Samaritan of the Good Samaritans I ever encountered I met
+in February last in one of the most flourishing of our northwestern
+cities. He was a Samaritan with what the modern critic would call a
+"kick" to him--or at least it struck me that way. As I made my way
+northward from Minneapolis to fill my engagement there I was seized
+with a terrific toothache which for the time being destroyed pretty
+nearly all my interest in life. The offending molar was far back in the
+region of the wisdom section, and inasmuch as it had been somewhat loose
+in its behavior for several days I decided to be rid of it. All my
+efforts to extract it myself were unavailing, and finally after a last
+desperate effort to pull it out myself I returned to my chair in the
+Pullman car and informed the Only Muse who upon this trip was Seeing
+America with me that our first duty on reaching our destination was to
+find a dentist and get rid of it.
+
+[Illustration: "I'm an Ohio man, and I'll cash the check for you on your
+looks."]
+
+"I hope you will be careful to get the right kind of a man," said she.
+"We can't afford any quack doctors, you know."
+
+At this moment a charming woman seated on the opposite side of the car
+leaned over and said, "I do not wish to intrude, but I have seen how you
+were suffering, and I just overheard your remark. Now my son-in-law is a
+dentist, and we think he is a good one. He is coming to meet me at the
+station, and I think possibly he will be willing to help you."
+
+I thanked the lady, and expressed the hope that he would.
+
+On our arrival at the station the young man appeared as was expected,
+and my kindly chaperone presented the case.
+
+"He has been suffering dreadfully, James," she said, "and I told him you
+would pull his tooth out for him."
+
+"But, my dear mother," said the young man, "we are in a good deal of a
+hurry. We have an engagement for to-night. My office is closed, and we
+are not dressed for--"
+
+"Thanks just the same," said I. "I am sure you would help me if you
+could--maybe you will do the next best thing. I can't lecture unless I
+have this confounded thing out."
+
+"Lecture?" said he. "You are not John Kendrick--"
+
+"Yes--I am," said I.
+
+"Oh," said he, "that's different. You are our engagement. Come up to my
+office, and I'll fix you up in a jiffy."
+
+So we marched five long blocks up to his office, where I was soon
+stretched out, and the desired operation put through with neatness and
+despatch.
+
+"Well, doctor," said I as he held the offending molar up before me
+tightly gripped in his forceps, "you have given me the first moment of
+relief I have had all day. My debt in gratitude I shall never be able to
+repay, but the other I think I can handle. How much do I owe you?"
+
+"Nothing at all, Mr. Bangs," he replied. "Nothing at all."
+
+"Oh, that's nonsense, doctor," I retorted. "You are a professional man,
+and I am a stranger to you--you must charge something."
+
+"Oh, no, Mr. Bangs," said he, smilingly. "You are no stranger to me. I
+have been reading your books for the past twenty years, and _it's a
+positive pleasure to pull your teeth_."
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+A VAGRANT POET
+
+
+The inimitable and forever to be lamented Gilbert, in one of his
+delightful songs in Pinafore, bade us once to remember that--
+
+    Things are seldom what they seem--
+    Skim-milk masquerades as cream;
+    Highlows pass as patent-leathers;
+    Jackdaws strut in peacock's feathers.
+
+The good woman who sang this song--little Buttercup, they called
+her--was in a pessimistic mood at the moment; for had she not been so
+she would have reversed the sentiment, showing us with equal truth how
+sometimes cream masquerades as skim milk, and how underneath the wear
+and tear of time what outwardly appears to be a "high low" still
+possesses some of the glorious polish of the "patent leather."
+Everywhere I travel I find something of this latter truth; but never was
+it more clearly demonstrated than when on one of my Western jaunts I
+came unexpectedly upon an almost overwhelming revelation of a finely
+poetic nature under an apparently rough and unpromising exterior.
+
+It happened on a trip in Arizona back in 1906. My train after passing
+Yuma was held up for several hours. Ordinarily I should have found this
+distressing; but, as the event proved, it brought to me one of the most
+delightfully instructive experiences I have yet had in the pursuit of my
+platform labors. As the express stood waiting for another much belated
+train from the East to pass, the door of the ordinary day coach--in
+which I had chosen to while away the tedium of the morning, largely
+because it was fastened to the end of the train, whence I could secure a
+wonderful view of the surrounding country--was opened, and a man
+apparently in the last stages of poverty entered the car.
+
+He was an oldish man, past sixty, I should say, and a glance at him
+caused my mind instinctively to revert to certain descriptions I had
+heard of the sad condition of the downtrodden Westerner, concerning
+whose unhappy lot our friends the Populists used to tell us so much. He
+looked so very poor and so irremediably miserable that he excited my
+sympathy. Upon his back there lay loosely the time-rusted and threadbare
+remnant of what had once in the days of its pride and freshness been a
+frock coat, now buttonless, spotted, and fringing at the edges. His
+trousers matched. His neck was collarless, a faded blue polka-dotted
+handkerchief serving as both collar and tie. His hat suggested service
+in numerous wars, and on his feet, bound there for their greater
+security with ordinary twine, were the uppers and a perforated part of
+the soles of a one-time pair of congress gaiters. As for his face--well,
+it brought vividly to mind the lines of Spenser--
+
+    His rawbone cheekes, through penurie and pine,
+      Were shronke into his jawes, as he did never dyne.
+
+[Illustration: In the last stages of poverty.]
+
+The old fellow shambled feebly to the seat adjoining my own, gazing
+pensively out of the window for a few moments, and then turning fixed a
+pair of penetrating blue eyes upon me. "Pretty tiresome waiting," he
+ventured, in a voice not altogether certain in its pitch, as if he had
+not had much chance to use it latterly.
+
+"Very," said I carelessly. "But I suppose we've got to get used to this
+sort of thing."
+
+"I suppose so," he agreed; "but just the same for a man in your business
+I should think it would be something awful. Don't it get on your
+nerves?"
+
+"What do you know about my business?" I asked, my curiosity aroused.
+
+"Oh," he laughed, "I know who you are. I read one of your books once.
+I've forgotten what it was about; but it had your picture in the front
+of it, and I knew you the minute I saw you. Besides I was down in Tucson
+the other day, and--you're going to lecture at Tucson Tuesday night,
+aren't you?"
+
+"I am if I ever get there," said I. "At this rate of speed I'm afraid
+it'll be season after next."
+
+"Well, they'll be ready for you when you arrive," he chuckled. "They've
+got your picture plastered all over the place. It's in every drug-store
+and saloon window in the town. They've got it tacked onto every tree,
+hydrant, hitching post, billboard, and pump, from the railway station
+out to the university and back. I ain't sure that there ain't a few of
+'em nailed onto the ash barrels. You can't look anywhere without seeing
+John Kendrick Bangs staring out at you from the depths of a
+photographer's arm chair. Fact is," he added with a whimsical wink, "I
+left Tucson to get away from the Bangs rash that's broken out all over
+the place, and, by Jehosaphat! I get aboard this train, and _there sets
+the original_!"
+
+I laughed and handed the old fellow a cigar, which he accepted with
+avidity, biting off at least a quarter of it in his eagerness to get
+down to business.
+
+"I'm not so bad as I'm lithographed," I said facetiously.
+
+"So I see," he replied, "and it must be some comfort to you to realize
+that if you ever get down and out financially you've got a first-class
+case for libel against the feller that lithographed you."
+
+He puffed away in silence for a minute or two, and then leaning over
+the arm of his seat he re-opened the conversation.
+
+"I say, Mr. Bangs," he said, rather wistfully, I thought, "you must read
+a great deal from one year's end to another--maybe you could recommend
+one or two good books for me?"
+
+It was something of a poser. Somehow or other he did not suggest at
+first glance anything remotely connected with a literary taste, and I
+temporized with the problem.
+
+"Why, yes," I answered cautiously. "I do run through a good many books
+in the course of a year; but I don't like to prescribe a course of
+literary treatment for a man unless I have had time to diagnose his
+case, and get at his symptoms. You know you mightn't like the same sort
+of thing that I do."
+
+"That may be so too," he observed coolly. "But we've got some time on
+our hands--suppose you try me and find out. I'm willin' to testify. Fire
+ahead--nothin' like a few experiments."
+
+"Well," said I, "personally I prefer biography to any other kind of
+reading. I like novels well enough; but after all I'd rather read the
+story of one real man's life, sympathetically presented, than any
+number of absorbing tales concerning the deeds and emotions of the
+fictitious creatures of a novelist's fancy. I like Boswell better than
+Fielding, and Dr. Johnson is vastly more interesting to me than Tom
+Jones."
+
+"Same here," said my new friend. "That's what I've always said. What's
+the use of puttin' in all your time on fiction when there's so much
+romance to be found in the real thing? The only trouble is that there
+ain't much in the way of good biography written these days--is there?"
+
+"Oh, yes, there is," said I. "There's plenty of it, and now and then we
+come upon something that is tremendously stimulating. I don't suppose it
+would interest you very much, but I have just finished a two-volume life
+of a great painter--it is called 'Memorials of Edward Burne-Jones,'
+written by his wife."
+
+The old man's face fairly shone with interest as I spoke, and reaching
+down into the inner pocket of his ragged coat he produced a
+time-smeared, pocket-worn envelop upon which to make a memorandum, and
+then after rummaging around in the mysterious recesses of an over-large
+waistcoat for a moment or two he brought forth the merest stub of a
+pencil.
+
+"Who publishes that book?" he asked, leaning forward and gazing eagerly
+into my face.
+
+"Why--the Macmillan Company," I replied, somewhat abashed. "But--would
+_you_ be interested in that?"
+
+And then came the illuminating moment--I fear its radiance even affected
+the color of my cheeks when I thought of my somewhat patronizing manner
+of a moment before.
+
+"I guess I would be interested in that!" he replied with a real show of
+enthusiasm. "_I've always been interested in that whole Preraphaelite
+movement!_"
+
+I tried manfully to conceal my astonishment; but I am very much afraid
+that in spite of all my efforts my eyes gave my real feelings away. I
+swallowed hard, and stared, and the old man chuckled as he went on.
+
+"They were a great bunch, that crowd," he observed reflectively, "and I
+don't suppose the world realizes yet what we owe to them and their
+influence. Burne-Jones, William Morris, Madox Brown, Holman Hunt, and
+Rossetti--I suppose you know your Rossetti like a book?"
+
+I tried to convey the impression that I was not without due familiarity
+with and appreciation of my Rossetti; but I began to feel myself getting
+into deeper water than I had expected.
+
+"There's a lot of fine things in poetry and in paint we'd never have had
+if it hadn't been for those fellows," the old man went on. "Of course
+there's a lot of minds so calloused over with the things of the past
+that they can't see the beauty in anything that takes 'em out of a rut,
+even if it's really old and only seems to be new. That's always the way
+with any new movement, and the fellow that starts in at the head of the
+procession gets a lot of abuse. Take poor old Rossetti, for instance,
+how the critics did hand it to him, especially Buchanan--the idea of a
+man like Robert Buchanan even daring to criticize Rossetti's 'Blessed
+Damozel'! It's preposterous! It's like an elephant trying to handle a
+cobweb to find out how any living thing could make a home of it. Of
+course the elephant couldn't!"
+
+I quite agreed that the average elephant of my acquaintance would have
+found the average cobweb a rather insecure retreat in which to stretch
+his weary length.
+
+"Do you remember," he went on, "what Buchanan said about those lines?--
+
+    "And still she bowed herself and stooped
+      Out of the circling charm
+    _Until her bosom must have made
+      The bar she leaned on warm._
+
+He said those lines were bad, and that the third and fourth were quite
+without merit, and _almost without meaning_! Fancy that!--
+
+    "_Until her bosom must have made
+      The bar she leaned on warm_
+
+_almost without meaning_! Suffering Centipedes!" he cried indignantly.
+"That man must have been brought up on the bottle!"
+
+I think I may truthfully say that from that point on I listened to the
+old man breathlessly. Buchanan's monograph on "The Fleshly School of
+Poetry" though wholly out of sympathy with my own views has long been a
+favorite bit of literary excoriation with me, comparable to Victor
+Hugo's incisive flaying of Napoleon III, and to have it spring up at me
+thus out of the alkali desert, through the medium of this beloved
+vagabond, was indeed an experience. Instead of conversing with my
+friend, I turned myself into what theatrical people call a "feeder" for
+the time being, putting questions, and now and then venturing a remark
+sufficiently suggestive to keep him going. His voice as he ran on
+gathered in strength, and waxed tuneful and mellow, until, if I had
+closed my eyes, I could almost have brought myself to believe that it
+was our much-loved Mark Twain who was speaking with that musical drawl
+of his, shot through and through with that lyrical note which gave his
+voice such rare sweetness.
+
+[Illustration: "Suffering Centipedes!" he cried. "That man must have
+been brought up on the bottle!"]
+
+From Rossetti my new-found friend jumped to Whistler--to whom he
+referred as "Jimmy"--thence to Watts, and from Watts to Ruskin; from
+Ruskin he ran on to Burne-Jones, and then harked back to Rossetti again.
+
+Rossetti now seemed to become an obsession with him; only it was
+Rossetti the poet instead of Rossetti the painter to whom he referred.
+In a few moments the stillness of that sordid coach was echoing to the
+sonnet of "Lost Days":
+
+    "The lost days of my life until to-day,
+    What were they, could I see them on the street
+    Lie as they fell? Would they be ears of wheat
+    Sown once for food but trodden into clay?
+    Or golden coins squander'd and still to pay?
+    Or drops of blood dabbling the guilty feet?
+    Or such spill'd water as in dreams must cheat
+    The undying throats of Hell, athirst alway?
+    I do not see them here; but after death
+    God knows I know the faces I shall see--
+    Each one a murder'd self, with low last breath;
+    'I am thyself--what hast thou done to me?'
+    'And I--and I--thyself' (lo! each one saith)--
+    'And thou thyself to all eternity.'"
+
+His voice trembled as he finished, and a long silence followed.
+
+"Pretty good stuff, that, eh?" he said, at length.
+
+"Fine!" said I, suddenly afflicted with a poverty of language quite
+comparable to his own in the way of worldly goods.
+
+"Takes you here, however," said he, tapping his forehead. "Makes you
+think--and somehow or other I--I don't like to think. I'd rather
+feel--and when it comes to that it's Christina Rossetti that takes you
+here." He tapped his left breast over his heart. "She's got all the rest
+of 'em skinned a mile, as far as I'm concerned. I love that 'Up Hill'
+thing of hers--remember it?--
+
+    "Does the road wind up-hill all the way?
+      Yes, to the very end.
+    Will the day's journey take the whole long day?
+      From morn to night, my friend.
+
+    "But is there for the night a resting-place?
+      A roof for where the slow dark hours begin.
+    May not the darkness hide it from my face?
+      You cannot miss that Inn.
+
+    "Shall I meet other wayfarers at night?
+      Those who have gone before.
+    Then must I knock, or call when just in sight?
+      They will not keep you standing at the door.
+
+    "Shall I find comfort, travel-sore and weak?
+      Of labor you shall find the sum.
+    Will there be beds for me and all who seek?
+      Yea, beds for all who come.
+
+"Ah, me!" he said. "I've got a deal of heartening out of that, and then
+some day when things don't seem to go just right, I sing for my comfort
+that song of hers:
+
+    "When I am dead, my dearest,
+      Sing no sad songs for me;
+    Plant thou no roses at my head,
+      Nor shady cypress tree:
+    Be the green grass above me,
+      With showers and dew-drops wet,
+    And if thou wilt, remember,
+      And if thou wilt, forget.
+
+    "I shall not see the shadows.
+      I shall not feel the rain.
+    I shall not hear the nightingale
+      Sing on, as if in pain:
+    And dreaming through the twilight
+      That doth not rise nor set,
+    Haply I may remember,
+      And haply may forget."
+
+The train had long since started on toward our destination, the old
+fellow discoursing gloriously as we ran along, I utterly unconscious of
+everything save the marvelous contrasts of that picture--a seemingly
+wretched vagabond, held in the grip of a relentless poverty, pouring
+forth out of the depths of a rich mind as rare a spiritual disquisition
+as I ever remember to have enjoyed. Our destination finally reached, I
+held out my hand to bid him good-by.
+
+"I can't thank you sufficiently," I said, "for a wonderful hour. I want
+you to do something for me. You see you have the advantage of me. You
+know who I am; but I don't know who you are. Won't you tell me your
+name, that I may add it to the list of my friends?"
+
+The old fellow's eyes filled with tears. He laid his hand gently on my
+shoulder. "My young friend," he said, his voice growing hoarse and husky
+again, "_who_ I am is one of the least important things on the face of
+God's beautiful green earth. What is really important is the kind of man
+I am. _I am one of those unfortunates who started in life at the top of
+the ladder and moved in the only direction he thought was left open to
+him._"
+
+He seized my hand, gave it a soft, seemingly affectionate pressure, and
+walked away, leaving me standing alone, and I have not seen nor heard
+from him since.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+BACK-HANDED COMPLIMENTS
+
+
+In a previous chapter of these rambling reminiscences I have said that I
+defied any really human man to return from a lecture season in this
+country in a pessimistic frame of mind. To this defiance I would add
+another. I defy any man possessed of a hide anywhere short of that of a
+rhinoceros, or a head of a thickness less than solid ivory, to return
+from a tour of our country with any greater sense of his own importance
+than he is entitled to.
+
+There are a good many plain truths spoken in the presence of the
+lecturer by the good people to whom he is consigned, especially in our
+delightfully frank West, where they seem to have acquired the knack of
+drawing a clean-cut distinction between the lecturer as a man and the
+lecturer as a lecturer. Discourtesy is never encountered anywhere. At
+least in the ten years of my platform experience, with nearly a thousand
+public appearances to my credit, I have met with it only twice, and on
+both occasions in Eastern communities; a proportion so negligible as to
+amount really to nothing. Hospitality to the man has always been
+cordial; the attitude toward the lecturer respectful. But in the showing
+of this respect there is no slopping over, though now and then there is
+an atmosphere of reserve in its manifestation which serves the lecturer
+better in the line of criticism, if he is capable of sensing its
+significance, than any amount of outspoken condemnation.
+
+There is one element in the work of the Man on the Platform that is in
+itself of the highest disciplinary value, and that is that in all
+circumstances _he must deliver his goods himself_. There is nothing
+vicarious about the operation. No substitute can relieve him of that
+necessity. The man who writes books, or makes shoes or motor-cars, can
+sit apart and let others face whatsoever blame may be visited upon a
+middle man for defects of workmanship; but for the lecturer there is no
+such happy shifting of responsibility. If people find his discourse
+dull, they either get up and walk out, or, as the saying is, they "go to
+sleep in his face."
+
+[Illustration: "The lecturer must deliver the goods!"]
+
+Occasionally, however, an ostentatiously emphatic expression of
+disapproval gives the man on the platform a chance to redeem himself. It
+is told of Henry Ward Beecher that on one occasion something he had said
+proved so offensive to one of his auditors, who happened to be sitting
+in the front row of a large and reverberant auditorium, that the
+individual rose bruskly and walked out. As a sort of underscoring of his
+disapproval the protesting soul was aided by a pair of new shoes that
+squeaked so audibly as he strode down the aisle that they distracted the
+attention of everybody. Mr. Beecher immediately stopped short, and
+waited until the dissatisfied person had faded through the doorway and
+the last echo of his suffering boots had died away, and then, with a
+benignant smile, recited that good old nursery rime so dear to the
+hearts of our childhood:
+
+    Rings on his fingers,
+      And bells on his toes;
+    He shall have music
+      Wherever he goes.
+
+It was a bit of ready repartee that captivated the audience, and if
+there were present any others who later found themselves in a protesting
+mood it is pretty certain that they waited for a safer occasion upon
+which to manifest it. Mr. Beecher on his feet was never a man to be
+trifled with.
+
+On a stumping campaign myself a number of years ago I was confronted by
+a somewhat similar condition. An allusion to a statesman whom I greatly
+admired elicited a decided hiss from a group of hostiles seated under
+the gallery of a rural opera house. I silenced the hiss by pausing in my
+remarks and appealing to the janitor to "turn off that steam radiator,"
+since the hall was evidently already too hot for the comfort of some of
+the audience. It was not particularly deft, but it served the purpose,
+and we heard no more from that particular quarter for the rest of the
+evening.
+
+It is a safer rule, however, for the speaker to try to conciliate the
+hostile element, and it has been a rule of mine for the last five years
+to endeavor to locate such centers of frigidity as may be found before
+me, and then direct all my energies toward "thawing them out." Popular
+as the platform is in all parts of the country to-day, there is always
+present in every community a small leaven of at least reluctant men who
+are dragged unwillingly to the lecture halls by their enthusiastic
+wives, when, if they were only permitted to have their own way, they
+would be resting tranquilly at home, slippers on feet, feet on fender,
+book or favorite newspaper in hand, and a sweet-scented briarwood pipe
+for company. It is not difficult to locate these sufferers. They are
+such conscious martyrs that they immediately betray themselves, and as a
+rule while my chairmen are introducing me to my audiences I scan the
+rows of faces before me in search of them.
+
+They have certain unmistakable earmarks that betray them to the
+sympathetic eye--which, with all due modesty, I may claim mine to be;
+for, while I love lecturing, being lectured to or at, as the case may
+be, bores me to extinction. I am like those doctors who rejoice in the
+opportunity to amputate another man's leg, but would not give seven
+cents to cut off one or both of their own.
+
+The first of these earmarks is the expression of the face, which is
+either one of hopeless resignation, or full of lowering, one might
+almost say vengeful, contempt, as if the owner of the face were calling
+down inwardly all the wrath of Heaven upon the lecturer in particular,
+and the whole lyceum movement in general. With both these expressions go
+arms tightly folded across the breast, as though the sufferer were
+really trying hard to hold himself in.
+
+[Illustration: "They may 'go to sleep in his face.'"]
+
+The second almost certain manifestation is in the physical relation of
+the sufferer to the chair in which he sits. He makes it bear the heavy
+material burden of his despair by sitting not as Nature intended that he
+should sit, but as nearly upon the small of his back as the available
+space at his disposal will permit. If he occupy an aisle seat, he sits
+wholly on the small of his back, with his legs crossed, and his hands
+tightly clasped across his freer knee.
+
+Once located, this man is the special person that I go after. It becomes
+my persistent effort, and in so far as I can master the situation my
+determination, to win his reluctant heart. If I can only get him sitting
+up like a vertebrate animal, using his spine like a prop instead of like
+a hammock, and returning my gaze with a gleam of interest, I am happy.
+If I can get him not only to sit up but to lean forward with his head
+cocked to one side, much as a horse will cock its ears when something
+unexpected comes within the range of its vision, I feel that I have
+scored a triumph. I should say that at a rough guess in eight cases out
+of ten the effort is successful, although there have been ninth and
+tenth cases that have chilled me to the marrow, and sent me home with
+an uncomfortable sense of failure.
+
+My lamented friend, the late R. K. Munkittrick, an American humorist who
+never really received the full measure of appreciation to which his
+delicious humor entitled him, once when we were "reading" together one
+night at Albany, scoring a fiasco so complete that we could only laugh
+over it, put the situation before me in terms so wholly comprehensive
+that I have never forgotten it.
+
+"See that red-headed chap in the fourth row?" he whispered, as the
+chairman was indulging in some extended remarks concerning our greatness
+to which we could never hope to live up.
+
+"You mean the pall bearer with the green necktie?" I asked.
+
+"Yes," said Munkittrick, "he's the one."
+
+"Well--what of him?" said I.
+
+"Oh, nothing," grinned Munkittrick, "but I'll bet you seven dollars and
+forty-seven cents he's bet the boxoffice fifty cents we can't make him
+laugh."
+
+I may record with due humility that if good old Munkittrick's surmise
+was correct our highly chromatic but otherwise funereal friend won his
+bet. I doubt we could have moved him with dynamite.
+
+But these gentlemen serve a highly useful purpose. They keep us with our
+feet on the earth, and prevent us from soaring too high in our own
+estimation.
+
+Another effective factor in this disciplinary element in platform work
+is the "back-handed" compliment that leaves the party of the second part
+suspended like Mahomet's coffin, midway between heaven and earth, and in
+some uncertainty as to exactly where "he is going to get off." I have
+rejoiced in several such. The great State of Pennsylvania, which has
+"officially" done so much for the platform by its liberal appropriations
+for teachers' institutes, enabling the school centers to secure the
+services of speakers of high cost who would otherwise be beyond their
+reach, is responsible for one of these.
+
+It occurred some three years ago, and grew out of an unexpected summons
+by wire from one of the largest cities of the Quaker State asking me to
+"fill in" for Dr. Griggs, who because of sudden indisposition was
+unable to meet his engagement in a large and important course there. It
+was an emergency call, which fortunately found me disengaged, and
+willing to serve.
+
+The chairman of the occasion was a delightful individual, with a
+considerable fund of dry humor, and his introduction was a gem of subtle
+wit. It occupied about fifteen minutes, the first five of which were
+devoted to matters pertaining to the course; the second five to a well
+deserved eulogy of Dr. Griggs for his inspiring lectures and the
+uplifting nature of his work, coupled with an expression of the intense
+disappointment which he, the chairman, knew the audience must feel on
+learning that the good doctor could not be present. I thought he rather
+rubbed the "disappointment" idea in a little too vigorously; but I tried
+not to show it, and sat through that part of the chairman's remarks with
+the usual stereotyped smile of satisfaction at hearing a colleague so
+highly spoken of. This done, the chairman launched himself upon a
+four-minute discourse upon what he called "The Age of Substitution."
+
+"You know, my friends," said he, "that this great age in which we live
+is so rich in resources that at times when we cannot immediately lay
+our hands on some particular article we happen to want there is always
+to be found somewhere a _just as good as_ article to take its place.
+If you desire a particular kind of porous plaster to soothe an
+all-too-self-conscious spine, and the druggist you call upon for aid
+does not chance to have it in stock, he invariably has another at
+hand which he assures you will do quite as well. So it is with the
+nerve foods, breakfast foods, corn plasters, face powders, facial
+soaps, suspenders, corsets, liver pills, and lecturers. If we
+haven't what you want, we have something just as good in this Age of
+Substitution. So is it with us to-night. While we may not receive the
+all-wool-and-a-yard-wide spiritual uplift that Dr. Griggs would have
+given us, we are privileged to listen to the near-silk humor of a
+substitute, who, the committee in charge venture to hope, will prove
+to be _just as good as_ the other. We of course don't know that it
+will be; but we live in hope as well as on it, and, lacking the great
+satisfaction that I had expected to be mine in presenting Dr. Griggs to
+you this evening, it still gives me a certain melancholy pleasure to
+introduce to this audience that highly mercerized near-speaker, Mr.
+Just-as-Good-as K. Bangs, on whose behalf I bespeak your charity and
+your tolerance."
+
+As a rule I like to play a little with my chairmen; but I deemed it
+unwise on this occasion to "monkey with a buzz saw," and plunged
+directly into the work in hand without venturing upon the usual
+facetious preliminaries. I felt that I had enough work cut out for me
+already, and for an hour and a half exerted myself strenuously to be
+_just as good as_ I could be, neither more nor less. Then, when it was
+all over, and my case was in the hands of the jury, a charming woman,
+with a delectable smile on her face, came rushing up to the platform.
+She seized my hand and shook it vigorously as she spoke.
+
+"Oh, Mr. Bangs," she said with an enthusiasm so delightful that I
+listened eagerly for the honeyed words to come, "we are so glad you
+came! _You have made our disappointment complete!_"
+
+Another incident I prefer not to locate other than by saying that it was
+in the West--and where the West begins no man may say. I know a New York
+lady to whom it begins at the Cortlandt street opening of Mr. McAdoo's
+Hudson River tubes, who has no notion at all that anything lies beyond
+save the names of a few cities that mean nothing to her, and the Rocky
+Mountains. With others it begins on the banks of the Mississippi. Once
+in the heart of Iowa, when I was speaking to a young college student
+there on the glorious opportunities of the West, in the hope of making
+him see how much I appreciated the wonderful country in which he lived,
+the young man staggered me with the reply:
+
+"Yes, sir, I believe you are right. _My father wants me to go West when
+I get through with my work here._"
+
+So it would seem that the old rime about the little insect--
+
+    Every flea has a little flea to bite him,
+    And so it goes ad infinitem--
+
+may very well be adapted to the uses of those good souls who now and
+then try to reach the infinity of westernness. But there is another poem
+more directly applicable to some conclusion as to the problem, which I
+like to think of in moments when I am reflecting upon its cordial
+welcome to me:
+
+    Out where the hand clasp's a little stronger,
+    Out where a smile dwells a little longer--
+      That's where the West begins.
+    Out where the sun is a little brighter,
+    Where the snows that fall are a trifle whiter,
+    Where the bonds of home are a wee bit tighter--
+      That's where the West begins.
+
+    Out where the world is in the making,
+    Where fewer hearts with despair are aching--
+      That's where the West begins.
+    Where there's more of singing and less of sighing;
+    Where there's more of giving and less of buying,
+    And a man makes friends without half trying--
+      That's where the West begins.
+
+The author of those lines, who was, I believe, Arthur Chapman of Denver,
+seems to me to have come closer to a solution of the problem than any
+other. For our own purposes just now, however, let us say that the
+incident to which I wish to refer took place in that part of the West
+which lies between Sandy Hook and the Golden Gate.
+
+My audience in this particular spot was delightfully responsive; so much
+so that I was all of two hours in the delivery of a lecture that
+ordinarily takes me an hour and a quarter to deliver. It was as
+exhilarating as a cross-country run, with turf and skies just right. But
+for the pauses made necessary by the interruptions in appreciation I
+should have galloped across the finish line in less than an hour. So
+stimulating in fact was the readiness of the good people before me to
+take what I had to say and run away with it, that, while I was
+immortally tired when I went out upon the platform, when I finished I
+could have started in and done it all over again with zest.
+
+But even with so pleasing a background of responsiveness, there was one
+young man seated in the front row who was a source of particular
+pleasure to me. He was a rather distinguished looking youth, with
+flashing eyes, and somewhat longish blond hair, and a physique that
+suggested a modern Viking. There was something in his face that
+suggested the scholarly habit--occasionally his expression was wistfully
+questioning. His eyes never left my face while I was speaking, and his
+physical attitude, forward-leaning, and a trifle tense, seemed to
+betoken an interest in what I had to say that was more than gratifying,
+and his mouth was kept half open, ever ready for action. If there was to
+be anything to laugh at, he at least was not going to be caught napping,
+or in any way unprepared, if by keeping his mouth open he could remove
+all obstacles that would have prevented the easy flow of his mirth.
+
+And his laugh! I wish I might have a rubber record of that laugh to
+secrete in an automatic machine located somewhere in the middle of my
+lecture halls, so that in response to the pressure of an electric button
+it could be let loose at certain psychological moments. It was as
+infectious a laugh as I ever listened to, and there were times when its
+contagion brought me perilously close to seeming to laugh at my own
+jokes--which is a dangerous thing for a lecturer to do, and contrary to
+the technic of the "business," which requires humorous periods to be
+delivered with a face solemn to the point of the funereal. It had really
+musical modulations, rising from pianissimo to fortissimo on the wings
+of nicely graded crescendos, and returning whence it had come with a
+sort of rippling gurgle that was mighty fetching.
+
+Finally not only was nothing I had in mind lost upon him, but he
+actually appeared to discover subtleties of wit in my discourse of whose
+presence I had not myself had the slightest suspicion. It is hardly
+necessary to say that he was pleasing unto my soul, and naturally
+enough I spoke of him afterward to my chairman.
+
+"Well, Mr. Bangs," said the chairman as we walked back to the hotel
+together after the lecture was over, "what did you think of your
+audience to-night? Some responsiveness there, all right, eh?"
+
+I was impulsively enthusiastic enough to say that I thought it was a
+"corking good audience." "If they were all like that," said I, "this
+work would be as easy as cutting calves-foot jelly with an ax."
+
+"I thought you liked them," said he. "Our people here are appreciative,
+and they believe the laborer is worthy of his hire in showing it."
+
+"I'll put Blanksville down in my red-letter book," said I. "But tell me
+who and what is that rather distinguished looking young man with the
+longish blond hair and snappy eyes, who sat in the aisle seat of the
+front row next to the white-haired old lady with an audiphone? He had a
+wistful sort of face, and--"
+
+"Oh, I know who you mean," said the chairman. "He's So-and-So. What
+about him--he didn't bother you, I hope?"
+
+"On the contrary," said I, "I loved him. He was about the most
+appreciative chap I ever talked to. He fairly hung on every word I
+spoke, and when it came to a funny point I'm blest if he didn't meet me
+more than halfway!"
+
+"Yes," said the chairman, "he would. He's half-witted."
+
+My swelling head immediately resumed its normal proportions, and when I
+left Blanksville the following morning the only discomfort I found in
+wearing my regular hat was that in some way or other it seemed to have
+grown a little too large for me, and showed a tendency to settle down
+over my ears. I have nevertheless comforted myself with the thought that
+sometimes the difference between half-wittedness and genius is so slight
+to the eye of the familiar beholder that wise men are not infrequently
+believed by their neighbors to be fools. My young friend after all may
+have been a poet, and, like some prophets, "without honor in his own
+country."
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+FRIENDS OF THE ROAD
+
+
+In the days of my cynicism I used to laugh in my sleeve, and
+occasionally in print, at the ways of the politicians and statesmen en
+route, who have their pictures taken hobnobbing with locomotive
+engineers, trainmen, and Pullman porters. Since I have myself become a
+professional wanderer and have come into closer, somewhat enforced,
+fellowship with these individuals I laugh at the politicians and
+statesmen no more. On the contrary I commend them, and I think with
+appreciation and gratitude of a poem by George Sterling, one of our real
+voices to-day calling down blessings on the heads of these "workers of
+the night" to whose watchful care we who travel intrust our lives.
+
+One who makes only occasional journeys by rail is not likely to think
+very much about the man at the throttle; but when one has practically
+lived on the rail for two or three months running, not only the man at
+the throttle, but the man at the switch, the flagman, the fireman, the
+conductor, and the Pullman porter as well, come to be in a very real
+sense members of his family.
+
+Mr. Carnegie's hero medals are often bestowed, and worthily, upon men
+who on sudden impulse have performed some deed of heroism and
+self-sacrifice for the benefit of others; but I have yet to hear of one
+of these desirable possessions being bestowed upon the flagman who, in
+the face of a raging blizzard, at midnight, the thermometer at zero,
+leaves the comparative comfort of the rear car, and walks, whistling for
+company, back some four or five hundred yards along the icy track, and
+stands there with his red lantern in hand to warn a possibly advancing
+train behind of danger ahead.
+
+When the ice-incased wires are down, and the signal and switch towers
+are out of commission because of the rampageous elements, how many of us
+who lie comfortably asleep in the warm berths of our stalled trains give
+so much as a thought to the man outside in the freezing cold of the
+night, keeping the switches clear that we may proceed, or to the
+flagman at the rear, shelterless before the storm, who stands between us
+and disaster? Most of us, I fancy, do not think of them at all, and I
+fear that many of us so occupy ourselves with self-sympathy on these
+occasions that we find no words of commendation in our hearts for
+anybody connected with the whole railway system; but rather words of
+condemnation for that system and everybody connected with it, from the
+innocent stockholder looking for dividends, all the way down to those
+poor devils who have forgotten under the stress of demoralizing
+conditions to fill the water tanks that we may drink and get our fair
+share of the nation's supply of typhoid germs.
+
+For myself, I can truthfully say that the remark of a railway official
+made to me many years ago in response to one of my complaints has of
+late years gathered considerable force and significance. This gentleman
+was a neighbor of mine, and one Christmas he presented me with an annual
+pass on the Hudson River Railroad. It was a delightful gift, and I used
+it with enthusiasm. One morning, however, as he and I sat together on a
+local train that had in some mysterious way managed to lose four hours
+on a thirty-minute run, I turned to him and said:
+
+"Charlie, sometimes I wish I had never accepted that confounded old pass
+of yours. I've bartered my freedom of speech for a beggarly account of
+empty minutes. If it wasn't for that blankety-blank pass, I could tell
+you what I think of your blinkety-blink old road. Here we are four hours
+late on a thirty-minute run!"
+
+"Why, my dear boy," he replied with an amiable smile, "you are
+dingety-dinged lucky to get in at all!"
+
+Individually I have experienced so much kindliness and courtesy at the
+hands of the personnel of our railroads in all parts of the United
+States that I sometimes get real satisfaction out of sharing with them
+the discomforts of travel. I have discovered without half trying that
+there are profound depths of friendliness in them which need to be given
+only half a chance to manifest themselves. Rarely indeed have I met with
+discourtesy at their hands, and many a weary hour has been cheered by
+their native wit. For the most part, naturally, my contact has been with
+the station agent and the conductor--and the Pullman porter.
+
+While I deplore the abuses of tipping in this and other countries, I
+have rarely grudged the Pullman porter his well earned extra quarter.
+Perhaps the general run of us have not had the time, nor the
+inclination, to acquaint ourselves with the difficulties of the Pullman
+porter's job. We don't realize that with a car full of people ten
+passengers will want the car cooled off, ten others will want a little
+more heat, five will complain that there is too much air, five others
+will complain that there is too little; and poor Rastus, ground between
+the two millstones of complaint, has to make a show of pleasing
+everybody. He above all others would be justified in announcing as his
+favorite poem those fine old lines:
+
+    As a rule a man's a fool:
+    When it's hot he wants it cool;
+    When it's cool he wants it hot--
+    Always wanting what is not.
+
+I recall one fine old darky once on a train running into Cleveland, who
+was very unhappy over a complaint of mine that, with a car crowded to
+the limit with women and children, some cigarette fiend had vitiated
+what little air there was in the car by smoking in his berth. I was
+awakened at three o'clock in the morning by the oppressive odor of
+burning paper and near-perique. There is no mistaking the origin of that
+aromatic nuisance, and my gorge rose at the boorish lack of
+consideration that the smoker showed for the comfort and convenience of
+his fellow travelers. I pressed the button alongside my berth, and a
+moment later the porter was peering in at me through the curtains.
+
+"Look here, John," said I in a stage whisper, "this is a little too
+much! Somebody in this car is smoking cigarettes, and I think it's a
+condemned outrage. With all these ladies on board it seems to me that
+you ought to insist that the man who can't restrain his passion for
+cigarettes should get off at the next stop and take the first cattle car
+he finds running to where he thinks he is going."
+
+"Yas, suh," returned the porter sadly. "It's too bad, suh, an' I've
+tried my bes' to stop 'em twice, suh."
+
+"Well, by George!" said I, sitting up. "If they won't stop for you,
+maybe they will for me. If any man aboard this car thinks he can get
+away with a nuisance like this--"
+
+"Yas, suh," said the porter; "but that's jest whar de trouble comes in,
+suh. I been after 'em, suh; but it ain't no use. In bofe cases, suh, it
+was de ladies deirsefs dat was a-doin' all de smokin', suh."
+
+And he grinned so broadly as I threw myself back on my pillow that when
+I finally got to sleep again I dreamed of the opening to the Mammoth
+Cave, through a natural association of ideas.
+
+[Illustration: "I have been after 'em, suh; but it ain't no use."]
+
+Occasionally one finds some trouble in keeping ahead of the Pullman
+porter in the matter of repartee. There used to be on the night run to
+Boston a venerable chap, black as the ace of spades, but patriarchal in
+his dignity, of whom I was very fond. He was as wide awake at all hours
+of the day and night as though sleep had not been invented. Like most of
+his class, he was inclined to bestow titles on his charges.
+
+"Yo' got enough pillows, Cap'n?" he asked on one occasion, after he had
+fixed my berth.
+
+"Yes, Major," I replied, putting him up a peg higher. "But it's a cold
+night, and I think another blanket might come in handy."
+
+"All right, Cunnel," said he, adding to my honors. "I'll git hit right
+away."
+
+"Thank you, General," said I, as he returned with the desired article.
+
+"Glad to serve yo', Admiral," said he with deep gravity.
+
+"And now, Bishop," said I, resolved to keep at it until I scored a
+victory, "suppose--"
+
+"Hol' on, mistuh!" he retorted instantly. "Hol' on! Dey ain't mo'n one
+puhson in de Universe whut's higher 'n a bishop, an' I knows mighty well
+yo' ain't Him!"
+
+Our dusky brothers not infrequently fill me with a sense of consolation
+in difficult moments. Two such cases occur to me at this writing; one in
+my own experience, and the other in a story I heard in the South last
+winter, the mere thought of which has many times since served to soften
+my woes in troublesome moments.
+
+The first occurred several years ago, when the steel passenger cars
+first came into commission. Being myself of a somewhat inflammable
+nature, I make it a rule to travel on these in preference to the
+old-fashioned tinder boxes of ten years ago whenever I can. On this
+particular occasion, however, on a hurried midwinter night run, I found
+myself in a highly ornate, lumbering Pullman of the vintage of '68. It
+was an essentially mid-Victorian affair, and in the matter of decoration
+was a flamboyant specimen of the early A. T. Stewart period of American
+interior embellishment.
+
+Those whose memories hark back that far will remember that the Pullman
+Company's money at that time was largely expended on lavish
+ornamentation of a peculiarly assertive rococo style, consisting for the
+main part of an eruption of gew-gaws which ran riot over the exposed
+surfaces of the car like a rash on the back of a baby. The external
+slant of the upper berth in these cars was ever a favorite surface for
+this particular kind of gew-gawsity, and no occupant of a lower berth
+known to me ever succeeded in getting safely into bed, or out of it,
+without having one or more of these lovely patterns imprinted on the top
+of his head with more force than delicacy. In collisions the occupant of
+one of these varnish-soaked orgies of fretwork had about as much chance
+of escaping unscathed as what a dear clerical friend of mine in a lay
+sermon once characterized as "a celluloid dog chasing an asbestos cat
+through the depths of purgatory." Whenever I find myself on one of these
+cars I think instinctively of just three things, and in this order--my
+past life, my possible permanent future, and my accident insurance
+policy--and try to comfort myself by playing both ends against the
+middle.
+
+In my haste on this occasion I had not particularly noticed the
+characteristics of the car until I attempted to remove my shoes to
+retire. As I sat up after untying the laces I was brought to a painful
+realization of the old-time nature of the vehicle by having impressed
+most forcibly upon the top of my head the convolutions of an empire
+wreath, carved out of pine splints, and embossed with gold leaf, which
+served to give Napoleonic dignity to the upper berth when not in use.
+The jar, plus the ensuing association of ideas, brought to my mind an
+uneasy realization of the probable truth that the car was of antique
+pattern, about as solid as any other box of potential toothpicks, and as
+fireproof as a ball of excelsior soaked with paraffin. At the moment the
+porter happened to be passing with the carpet-stepped ladder to assist a
+two-hundred-and-fifty-pound traveling man into the berth overhead, and I
+addressed him.
+
+"See here, porter!" said I. "What kind of car do you call this, anyhow?
+Isn't this the car Shem, Ham, and Japhet took when they moved back to
+town from Ararat?"
+
+"Yas, suh," he answered. "She suttinly am an ol' timah, suh."
+
+"Well, I don't feel exactly safe, George," said I. "Aren't there any
+steel cars on this train?"
+
+"Oh, we's all safe enough, suh," said George, with the assurance of one
+who is so well intrenched that no foe on earth could possibly get at
+him. "De cyar behind an' de cyar in front, dey's bofe steel, suh."
+
+I had never expected to enjoy in this life the sensations that I suspect
+are those of a mosquito when he finds himself caught between the
+avenging palms of a horny-fisted son of toil, who has at last got a
+pestiferous nuisance where he wants him; but I must confess that such
+were my sensations that night; and every time the train came to a sudden
+stop in its plunging through the dark I had a not too comfortable sense
+that when the steel front of the car behind finally came to meet the
+iron end of the car ahead, through the unresisting mass of splinters and
+Empire wreaths between, I would personally, in all likelihood, more
+closely resemble a cubist painting of a sunset on the Barbary Coast than
+a human being. I imagine that what really carried me uninjured through
+the nervous ordeal of that night was the amused view I took of good old
+George's notions as to what constituted absolute safety.
+
+The other incident, as narrated to me by a fellow traveler, has given me
+much comfort in exasperating moments. In sections of the South and West
+the engineers have not as yet mastered the art of stopping or starting
+their trains gently. When they stop they stop grindingly, with jolts and
+jars sudden and violent enough to send a snoring traveler full of stored
+up impetus head first through a stone wall; or, if it be in the
+daytime, with a jerk of such a nature as would snap his head off
+completely if the latter were not so firmly fastened to his neck. It is
+a method that may do very well for freight, but for passengers and
+dynamite it has its disadvantages.
+
+It was on a line renowned for its jarring methods that the incident of
+which my friend told me is alleged to have occurred. A train made up of
+day coaches and Pullman sleepers broke through a wooden trestle and
+landed in a frightful mass of twisted wreckage on the bottom of a ravine
+some eighty feet below. The wrecking crew worked nobly, and after
+several hours of heroic effort came to a crushed and splintered sleeper
+at the base of the ruin. There amid the debris, sleeping peacefully,
+with a beam across his chest, lay the porter, wholly unhurt, and
+dreaming. He was even snoring. The foreman of the wrecking crew, with
+suitable language expressing his amazement at the miracle, finally
+succeeded in getting Sambo half awake.
+
+"Wh-whut's de mattah?" stammered Sambo, sitting up, and gazing dazedly
+at the ruin on every side.
+
+"Matter?" echoed the foreman. "Why, Jumping Jehoshaphat, man! Don't you
+know that this whole dod-gasted train has fallen through the trestle?
+It's a wonder you weren't killed. Didn't you feel anything?"
+
+"Why, yas, boss," said Sambo. "I did feel sumpin' kind o' jolty; but I
+t'ought dey was jes' a-puttin' on de dinah at Jackson."
+
+So it is that nowadays when these jolting, jarring notes come along to
+vex my soul I no longer lose my temper as I used to do, but think rather
+of that old darky and "de dinah at Jackson," and wax mellow, feeling
+that that story alone, true or not, is a full justification of all the
+sufferings I or others have had to endure at the ungentle hands of the
+freight engineer at the passenger throttle.
+
+These men on the engines are great characters, and whenever I can get
+into touch with them I do so. In some of my zigzagging trips hither and
+yon in the Middle and Northwest I often find myself back to-day on some
+train or other that has carried me along on some previous trip, and it
+is frequently much like a family reunion when I meet the crew for a
+third or fourth time. "Glad to see you back," is a familiar greeting
+from conductors, engineers, flagmen, and porters alike. There is one
+diner on a Western run that I have visited so frequently that I receive
+all the kindly special attention one used to look for at an inn to which
+he was a constant visitor; and I think it all grew out of the fact that
+the first time I traveled on that particular car I summoned the man in
+charge to complain of the pie.
+
+"I don't like to complain," said I; "but this pie--"
+
+"What's the matter with the pie?" he asked, bristling a little.
+
+"Why," said I, "it's so confoundedly good that even a whole one couldn't
+satisfy me!"
+
+[Illustration: "These men on the engines are great characters."]
+
+Ever since the registry of that complaint I have really had more than
+the law allows on that particular car. Preferential treatment that would
+fill the Interstate Commerce Commission with anguish is always mine.
+Neither the rack nor all the fires of the Inquisition could extract from
+me its precise identity, lest its kindly crew be fined for overcourtesy
+to a specific individual.
+
+But to return to the engineers: I have always cherished the memory of a
+stolid old graybeard in command of a special train circumstances once
+compelled me to hire in order to meet an Arizona date for which there
+was no possible regular connection by rail. My special started from
+Phoenix shortly after midnight of a stormy day, to carry me down to
+Maricopa, there to connect with an early morning express into Tucson.
+The train consisted of an engine and a single day coach. Inasmuch as it
+was mine for the time being, and at considerable cost, I decided to
+exercise my proprietary rights and ride on the engine. A heavy rain
+which had been falling all day had changed the dry, sandy beds of the
+Salt and Gila rivers to torrential streams, to the great disadvantage of
+the roadbeds. We literally seemed to be feeling our way along in the
+dark, until suddenly the clouds broke away and a glorious moon shed its
+radiance over everything. Just at this point the engineer with a
+startled exclamation seized the throttle and brought us to a
+disquietingly abrupt stop. He whispered a word or two to the fireman,
+who immediately descended from the cab and ran on ahead along the track
+until he was completely lost to sight.
+
+"What's the trouble?" said I somewhat apprehensively, as the engineer
+began examining his machinery.
+
+"Oh, nothing," said he. "I've just sent Bill ahead to see if the bridge
+is still there."
+
+"Bridge? Still there?" I queried. "There's nothing wrong with the
+bridges, I hope."
+
+"Well--I dunno," said he. "Look over there," he added with a wave of his
+hand off to the left of us. I peered across the stream in the direction
+he had indicated, and there in the bright light of the moon I could see
+that two huge iron spans of the Santa Fe bridge had been completely
+undermined by the fierce flow of the waters, and now lay flat on their
+sides in midstream.
+
+"Ooo-hoo! All right!" came the voice of the fireman from the dark ahead.
+
+I sat transfixed and speechless as the engineer started slowly ahead and
+moved at a snail's pace along the soggy road. We came to the bridge,
+which was still standing, in a few moments; but oh how it swayed as we
+inched our way across! I should have felt safer if that train and I
+were lying together in a hammock. We fairly lurched across it, and I
+should not have been at all surprised if at any moment the whole
+structure had collapsed under our weight. Finally we got across in
+safety, and my heart condescended to emerge from my boots.
+
+"By George, Mr. Engineer!" said I. "If there's any more like that, I
+guess I'll get off and walk the rest of the way."
+
+"All right, mister," said the engineer cheerfully. "If you prefer the
+company of rattlesnakes and Gila monsters to mine, go ahead--and may the
+Lord have mercy on your soul!"
+
+I decided to remain.
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+CHAIRMEN I HAVE MET
+
+
+Sometimes the Gentleman in the Chair is a Lady, but more often he is a
+man, and, strange to relate, contrary to the general impression of the
+comparative methods of the sexes, the ladies are vastly more direct in
+their introductions than their Brothers in Suffering. Women are seldom
+oratorically inclined. Men are invariably so--or at least chairmen are.
+And as a result an introduction to an audience by a woman is likely to
+become more of an "identification of the remains" than an illuminating
+explanation of the speaker's right to be where he is; while the men
+"pile it on" to such an extent that the lecturer has often to struggle
+immortally to make good the chairman's kindly declarations on his
+behalf.
+
+Personally, with all due respect to the Lady Chairman, I prefer the
+masculine method: not because I like to hear myself exalted to the
+tipmost point of the blue vault above; for I do not. It is hard work to
+sit still before five hundred people with a smug expression of
+countenance and hear oneself compared to Dickens and Thackeray, and
+Shakespeare and Moses, to the distinct disadvantages of that noble
+quartet of literary strugglers; and I have never ceased to sympathize
+with Anthony Hope, who on a postprandial occasion some years ago when I
+was sitting next to him, after listening to a few eulogistic remarks by
+a speaker in which he was made to appear the greatest Light of
+Literature since the beginning of time, lifted the tablecloth, glanced
+under it, and in a muffled tone murmured, "My God, Bangs! Isn't there
+any way out of here? I cawn't live up to all this!"
+
+Nevertheless, I do prefer the men's method, because it gives me more
+time in which to study my audience, and, in so far as I may, adjust
+myself and my discourse to the special problem confronting me. In the
+one case (introductions by women) it is as if one were suddenly seized
+by the scruff of the neck and thrown overboard without even time to say
+one's prayers; in the other the victim is slowly and pleasantly carried
+upward from the level of fact on the wings of kindly fancy to a
+pinnacle of unearned increment of glory, and left there to shift for
+himself: to soar higher if he have afflatus enough to attain loftier
+heights, or to slide back to where he belongs as gracefully as may be.
+
+[Illustration: "Pile it on so thick that the lecturer has to struggle
+hard to make good."]
+
+I have often thought as I have sat and listened to these delightful
+flights of eulogy--so like the obituary notices we read in the
+newspapers after a great man dies--of the great disadvantages of those
+upper realms. It is very lonely and cold up there, and while the old saw
+is undoubtedly correct, and there _is_ plenty of room at the top, let it
+be recorded by one who has more than once been summarily hauled thither
+as involuntarily as undeservedly, that it is elbow room only, with
+mighty little solid earth on which to rest one's feet. The poet who
+invented the expression "the giddy heights" knew what he was talking
+about, and one has but to go out on the lecture platform and try to
+stand gracefully on those abstract peaks to have it proved to his entire
+satisfaction.
+
+But there is another reason why I prefer the chair-_man_ to the
+chair-_woman_, and it has to do solely with the technic of lecturing. No
+one who has ever lectured can deny the apprehension of the first five
+minutes of the effort. Those five minutes are perhaps the most critical
+period of the evening. If the attack is not right, the whole affair is
+likely to come down with a crash; for first impressions count perhaps
+more than they should with the average audience. If the attack is good,
+and the lecturer can "make himself solid" with his audience at the very
+beginning, structural weaknesses and an occasional dull or dragging
+moment will be forgiven later, because those who listen have come to
+like the speaker personally, and decline to let him fail unless he
+really insists upon doing so.
+
+Now the technic of this attack, I should say if I were retained to write
+a Primer for Lecturers, involves the chairman most materially. He is
+the tangible hook on which the alert lyceumite almost invariably either
+hangs or supports himself in those first five minutes. Human nature is
+so constituted that people like a pleasantry at the expense of some
+person or of some thing with which they are personally familiar. It
+grows out of the love of the concrete--which is a failure of us all, I
+fancy--and in every community there are always at least two concrete
+things that are sure winners for the lecturer--the chairman of the
+evening, and the railway system upon which the inhabitants of the
+community depend. Jests broad or subtle at the expense of either are
+received with howls of joy.
+
+On my first transcontinental trip, made ten years ago, I never failed to
+receive an immediate response from my audiences when I referred to the
+letters N. P. R. R., the abbreviated form for the Northern Pacific
+Railroad, as really signifying a "Not Particularly Rapid Route"; and in
+other sections of the country served by those charming corporations the
+shortest cut I know to the affections of the people is through a bald or
+ribald jest at the expense of the Erie or the Baltimore & Ohio
+Railroad.
+
+The chairman, however, is an equally safe proposition. He is either a
+very popular man in town, or directly the reverse, and in either case
+his neighbors enjoy a little joke at his expense. Naturally the joke, to
+be successful, must have to do with something peculiar to the moment,
+which the lecturer must find in the chairman's opening remarks.
+Obviously one cannot be so freely facetious with a woman as with a man,
+and if he has been properly brought up does not even wish to be so. So
+that the Lady Chairman invariably leaves the speaker with a restricted
+field of operations at the outset.
+
+Of course in all these reflections I am speaking merely of the lecturer
+who seeks popular rather than academic favor, which is frankly my own
+case. I should infinitely prefer to find myself liked by a miscellaneous
+audience rather than by a limited company of scientificos who are
+professionally more interested in things of the head than of the heart.
+It is better to be human than great, and I care more for Humanity than
+for the Humanities.
+
+At a rough estimate I should say that in the last ten years I have been
+the beneficiary of the services of not less than eight hundred
+chairmen, and in that whole list I can recall but one that I did not
+like, and no doubt he was a most likable fellow. He was a clergyman and
+a man of information, if not education; but he seemed to think that
+because somebody had once intimated that I was a "humorist" (a title
+that I have neither laid claim to, nor specially desired to win) I must
+naturally be reached only by a downward climb from his own dignified
+heights. There are individuals in this world who conceive humor to be a
+somewhat undignified pursuit, their own education in that branch of
+human action having been confined to a study of the antics of the circus
+clown, and they are likely to deny to humorists even the right to the
+use of correct English.
+
+"Well," said this special chairman unctuously when we met for the first
+time, "you are from New York, I understand."
+
+"I have been a New Yorker," I said noncommittally.
+
+"I suppose you know Howells, and Mark Twain, and all that _bunch_?" he
+went on, condescending to use the kind of language with which he of
+course assumed I was most familiar.
+
+And it was just there that I took a violent dislike to the man. The word
+_bunch_, as applied to Mr. Howells and Mark Twain by one of his presumed
+education was not pleasing to my soul, though I should have loved it
+from a cowboy. It was as if somebody had referred to "those talented
+_cusses_, Carlyle and Emerson," and I simmered slightly within.
+
+"Well," I replied, "I've known Howells and his gang for ages--bunked
+with the whole kit and caboodle of 'em for nearly twenty years--and you
+can take it from me they're a nifty herd! But the other--who was the
+other man?"
+
+"Mark Twain," said he.
+
+"I seem to have heard the name somewhere," said I; "but I don't think
+I've ever met him, or at least I don't remember it. New York's a pretty
+big place, you know, and you can't be expected to know everybody. What
+was his line?"
+
+I am not sure, but I think the reverend gentleman woke up at that point.
+At any rate he gave me no clue as to Mark Twain's identity. He turned
+away, and excused himself on the ground that he wanted to see if the
+audience was "all in."
+
+"Don't bother," I called after him. "It will be _all in_ when I get
+through with it."
+
+But he never cracked a smile. I presume there were refinements of slang
+with which he was not familiar.
+
+As to the others, however, I find as I run the noble army over in
+retrospect that many have won their way into my affections, and none are
+remembered save pleasantly. Several of them stand out preeminently for
+acts of self-sacrificing kindness on my behalf; notably one gentleman in
+Iowa who drove me over a distance of eighteen miles after midnight
+through a raging blizzard, requiring the unremitting efforts of four
+sturdy horses to pull us through, in order that I might catch a train
+back East and be with my children at Christmas time, and he was not a
+particularly emotional man, or anything of a sentimentalist, at that.
+
+I shall never forget the spur of his answer to a remark I made to him
+that night on our way from the hotel to the lecture hall. The snow was
+falling lightly when he arrived, but the distance to the hall was so
+short that we walked it. As we came to the public square I noticed that
+hitched to the white railing about the county courthouse that stood in
+the middle thereof were some thirty or forty teams, harnessed to farm
+wagons of various types, large and small. It was already after eight
+o'clock, and I was surprised to find the wagons there at so late an
+hour.
+
+"Your people work late, Mr. Robb," said I, as we sauntered along.
+
+"What do you mean by that?" he inquired.
+
+"Why," said I, "those wagons over there. Isn't it a trifle late for your
+farmers to be in town?"
+
+"Oh," he said, "those wagons--why no, Mr. Bangs. Those wagons are here
+for pleasure, not on business. They have brought in a good part of your
+audience. Some of your people to-night have driven in from as far as
+twenty miles to hear you."
+
+My heart sank. "Great Scott!" I ejaculated. "Twenty miles, eh? On a
+night like this--I--I hope I'll be good enough for that."
+
+"_I hope so!_" was his laconic response.
+
+The rejoinder was as the prick of a spur, and by its aid, as well as
+with the assistance of a delightfully receptive gathering of listeners
+who had traveled far to have a good time, and meant to have it
+anyhow--a characteristic of your Westerner--we pulled through in good
+condition.
+
+When all was over this noncommittal Iowan bundled me up in a borrowed
+fur overcoat, and insisted on taking that all-night drive with me
+through the raging storm that I might be sent safely and rejoicing back
+to my youngsters awaiting my coming on the Atlantic coast. It was
+shortly after four in the morning when my train drew out of the distant
+station, and the last I saw of my kindly host he was standing on the
+railway platform, knee deep in the snow, in the spotlight of a solitary
+white electric lamp, hat in hand, and waving his farewells and good
+wishes for me and mine.
+
+I rejoice to say that he has remained my friend over the eight or nine
+years that have since elapsed, and if by any chance he shall read these
+lines I trust they will serve to prove to him that my affection, as
+frequently expressed in my letters to him, is still quite as strong and
+as deep as one with his capacity for friendliness could possibly wish it
+to be. And I wish to add that his figure as it stands out in my memory
+has become a symbol to me of the kindness, and courtesy, and
+friendliness of the great-hearted people who dwell in what he and his
+fellows properly and pridefully refer to always as "God's Own Country."
+
+[Illustration: "The last I saw of my kindly host."]
+
+Another Iowa chairman, whose charming companionship and courtesy I shall
+always remember, will not mind, I am sure, if I record here a most
+amusing "break" that he made at our first meeting, which, I hasten to
+add, he more than redeemed afterward when the stress and strain of the
+evening relaxed. He dwelt in what appeared to be a most flourishing
+little city in the northern part of the State. I had arrived there early
+in the afternoon, and was so much impressed by the clean-cut appearance
+of everything I saw that I lingered upon the streets long after I
+should have sought my couch to rest up for the evening. The streets were
+as clean as a whistle. The dwellings were attractive in design and
+setting, and the business blocks were of a dignified if not massive
+style of architecture. Best of all, if I could judge from those I saw
+to-ing and fro-ing upon the streets, the people themselves were alert
+and active.
+
+In view of all this apparent prosperity I was a trifle surprised when
+the chairman arrived at the hotel to find him rather depressed. He was a
+clergyman, and at first glance seemed to be suffering from profound
+melancholy; so very profound indeed that I deemed it my duty to try to
+cheer him up.
+
+"What a fine, prosperous little city you have here, Doctor," said I with
+genuine enthusiasm. "I've put in the greater part of the afternoon
+looking the place over, and I tell you it has filled me with joy."
+
+"Humph!" said he gloomily. "It looks prosperous, but--_it ain't_! It's a
+bank-made town. The banks got here first, and induced people to come and
+settle on easy terms, and the terms haven't turned out quite so easy as
+they might. There's hardly a man in this town that isn't up to his chin
+in debt."
+
+"Oh, well, what of that?" said I, still resolved to win out on a
+tolerably hopeless proposition. "Of course debt is a bad thing; but
+sometimes it acts as a spur. Your people are a bright and brainy looking
+lot. It won't take them long to settle up."
+
+"Oh, they look bright and brainy," he returned sadly; "but _they ain't_!
+There isn't one man in ten 'll understand a half of what you say to them
+to-night."
+
+"Look here, Doctor!" said I, beginning to wax a trifle chilly myself,
+especially in the regions of my pedal extremities. "What are you trying
+to do, discourage me?"
+
+"Oh, no," he replied, with a mournful shake of his head. "If I'd been
+trying to discourage you, I'd have told you about our lecture hall. It's
+without any exception the meanest thing of its kind on the American
+continent. Why," he added, holding out his hands in a gesture of utter
+despair, "why, if we had a lecture hall that was only halfway decent,
+_we could afford to have somebody out here to talk to us that
+would be worth listening to!_"
+
+The chairman who in the exuberance of his own eloquence forgets the name
+of the individual he is introducing, even though he has announced that
+that name is a "household word," is no creature of the imagination, and
+if the stories that are told of him seem hackneyed, it is not because
+they are so frequently told, but because they happen so frequently in
+the experience of all platform speakers, and in almost identical manner.
+Even so well known a man as Mr. Bryan has suffered from this, one
+enthusiastic admirer in New York having once, after a skyscraping
+peroration, led up with climacteric force to the name of "our Peerless
+Leader, _William J. Brennings_."
+
+In my own platform experience I have had chairmen come to me at the last
+moment and confess with most childlike frankness that they have never
+heard of me before, asking me to help them out because they really
+didn't know "what in Tophet to say." One individual out on the Pacific
+Coast approached me one night about ten minutes before the lecture was
+scheduled to begin, and revealed to me his terrible embarrassment over
+this latter situation.
+
+"I didn't know until half an hour ago that I was to present you to our
+people to-night," said he, "and to tell the honest truth, Mr. Bangs, _I
+never heard of you before_. Will you please tell me who you are, and
+_what_ you are, and _why_ you are? And is there anything pleasant I can
+say about you in introducing you to your audience?"
+
+"Well," said I, "if I had known I was to have the privilege of preparing
+the obituary notice you are to deliver over my prostrate remains while I
+lie in state upon the platform to-night, I should have written out
+something that would have been mighty proud reading for the little
+Bangses when I sent marked copies of to-morrow morning's papers back
+East to show them what a great man their daddy is in the West. But I
+haven't time to tell you the whole story of my past life, and there are
+certain sections of it I wouldn't tell you if I had. I have been a
+Democrat in New York and a Republican in Maine."
+
+"You might at least make a suggestion or two to help me out, though," he
+pleaded.
+
+"Oh, yes," said I, "there are plenty of pleasant things you can say
+about me. In the first place, you can tell that audience that--"
+
+"Hold on a moment, Mr. Bangs," he interrupted, raising his hand to stop
+me. "Just one minute, please! _You've got to remember that I am a
+clergyman and must speak the truth!_"
+
+I resolved to let him go his own gait, and comforted him by telling him
+he could say whatever he pleased, and that I would "stand for it."
+
+And I must confess he acquitted himself nobly. In his hands I became one
+of the Princes of Letters, the titles of whose many books were too well
+known to need any enumeration of them there, and as for my name--why, it
+would be an impertinence for him even to mention it, "because, my
+friends," said he, "I am perfectly well aware that that name is _as
+familiar to you as it is to me_."
+
+Another good gentleman in the South, summoned to do duty as chairman at
+the last moment, sought no aid either from myself or from "Who's Who,"
+trusting, like the good Christian he was, utterly to Holy Writ. He began
+most impressively with selections from the Book of Genesis. "In the
+beginning God created the earth," said he, and then he ran lightly over
+the sequences of created things until he had ushered the birds of the
+air, the beasts of the field, and the fishes of the sea on to the stage,
+and thence with an easy jump he came to myself.
+
+"And then, my friends," he said, with an impressive pause, "the Creator
+felt that He should create something to have dominion over all these
+things that He knew were good--a creature of heart, a creature of soul,
+a creature of in-till-ect, and so He made man. My friends, it is such a
+one that we have with us to-night who will speak to you upon his own
+subject as only he can do. It gives me great pleasure to introduce to
+you the speaker of the evening, who is too well known to you all to need
+any further eulogy on my part."
+
+The good gentleman then retired to a proscenium box at the right of the
+stage, where he at once proceeded to fall asleep, and snored so lustily
+that everybody in the house was delighted, including myself--although,
+to tell the truth, I envied him his nap, for I was immortally tired.
+
+One of the dearest of my chairmen was a fine old gentleman in West
+Virginia, to meet and know whom was truly an inspiration. He was a
+profound scholar, and had enjoyed the rare privilege in a long and
+useful life of knowing intimately some of the demigods of American
+literature. His reminiscences of Emerson, and Oliver Wendell Holmes, and
+Longfellow, and Hawthorne, and others of our most brilliant literary
+epoch, were a delight to listen to, and I was sorry when the time came
+for us to go out upon the platform. It would have been a greater treat
+for that audience to listen to him than to me, and I heartily wished we
+might exchange places for the moment. Like a great many others of my
+chairmen, this gentleman experienced some difficulty in getting the
+title of my lecture, "Salubrities I Have Met," straight in his mind.
+More than once during our little chat together he would pause and say:
+
+"What is the title of your talk again? It has slipped my mind."
+
+"Sal-u-bri-ties I Have Met," I would say.
+
+"Tell me again--is it Salubrities or Celebrities?" he would ask.
+
+"Salubrities," I would reply. And then I would spell it out for him,
+"S-A-L-U-B-R-I-T-I-E-S, Salubrities. Not in any case Celebrities, or you
+will spoil my opening."
+
+"I'll try to remember it," he would say, with a mistrustful shake of
+his head as if he feared it was impossible. "It's rather elusive, you
+know."
+
+"Perhaps I had better write it down on a slip of paper," I said at the
+last.
+
+"Oh, no," he replied. "I think I have it now--Salubrities, Salubrities,
+Salubrities--yes--I--I think I have it."
+
+We walked out upon the platform, and the dear old gentleman began a
+short address so filled with witty and pleasant things that I have ever
+since wished I could have had a stenographer present to take it down in
+shorthand. It would have formed an excellent standard of conduct and
+achievement worthy of any man's striving. And then he came to my
+subject.
+
+"And to-night, ladies and gentlemen," he said, "Mr. Bangs has come to us
+to give us his famous lecture on--ahem--on--er--he has come, I say, to
+give us his inimitable talk on--er--on--er--"
+
+I leaned forward, and tried to give it to him in a stage whisper; but
+was too late. His impetus carried him on to destruction.
+
+"--his delightful talk on Lubricators He Has Met," said he.
+
+Without any jealousies let me confess that that observation was truly
+the hit of the evening. The bulk of the audience had been themselves so
+mystified by the possible significance of the word Salubrities that they
+knew the title by heart, and we began the evening with a roar of
+laughter that made us all friends at once. And as a matter of fact no
+harm was done; for "Lubricators I Have Met" was quite as good a title as
+the other, for my Salubrities are men and women who have made the world
+happier, and better, and sweeter, by their kindliness and graciousness,
+and what in the world could be more fitting than that the people who do
+that should be called Lubricators?
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+CHANCE ACQUAINTANCES
+
+
+The delightful author of that most appealing story, "The Friendly Road,"
+had only to scratch the surface of things a little to find many a golden
+nugget of friendliness and courtesy in the mines of the human spirit. As
+I look back on my many thousands of miles of travel in this country I
+find myself able to say with equal confidence that on the Roads of
+Steel, and the lanes tributary thereto, where few of us would think to
+look for such things, I too have found my golden nuggets without more
+than half-trying to find them. I have already spoken of my friends among
+the trainmen, to whose fidelity and watchful care I have owed my safe
+transit and my comfort in many a long and weary stretch. They have been
+an abundant source of happiness to me; but there have been others still,
+in whose wit and fraternal companionship, and illuminating discourse, I
+have found both pleasure and profit. Many of these have been the chance
+acquaintances of the smoker and the observation car en route.
+
+It does not happen often here in the East that we make friends "by
+rail." Possibly it is because the distances traversed are comparatively
+short. Perhaps too it is due to the Eastern Reserve, which is a State of
+Mind, just as the Western Reserve has become several States of Being. I
+know that the democratic Westerner traveling in the East finds us
+apparently cold and unresponsive; though I doubt we are really so. We
+are merely hurried, and possibly worried; too preoccupied to notice the
+many little opportunities for friendly intercourse that a railway
+journey presents.
+
+It is my own impression that the distance to be traveled has largely to
+do with this difference of manner between the Eastern man and his
+brother from the West. The average Easterner who has never penetrated
+the West farther than Sandy Hook has no real conception of the
+magnificence of those distances about and beyond the Mississippi Valley.
+At times when for reasons of business or pleasure I have gone from my
+home in Maine to my encampment in New York, between the hours of six
+P.M. on a Tuesday, say, and six A.M. of the following Wednesday, I have
+passed through six separate American commonwealths: but in those Far
+Western stretches I have time and again spent my full twenty-four hours
+upon the road without in any wise finding myself subject to the rules
+and regulations of the Interstate Commerce Commission.
+
+Out of this rises, naturally enough, a difference in attitude toward
+one's fellow travelers. There comes to be a greater sense of a settled
+community interest on the longer journey, which brings with it greater
+inclination for social intercourse with one's neighbors of the sleeper.
+
+One of the conspicuous results of my contact with humanity on the road
+has been that I have come to hold a very high respect for the traveling
+man; so high indeed that where ten years ago I should probably have
+spoken of him in the terms of our American vernacular as a drummer, I
+have now definitely ejected that word from my vocabulary, save in its
+narrower meaning as applied to that overnoisy person who beats that most
+unmusical musical instrument, the drum, in our modern bands. These
+commercial travelers average high in character and in intellect, and
+the man who keeps his ears open while in their company can hardly fail
+to learn much from their discourse. The best of them know their own
+special lines from the ground up, and if my observation of them is
+correct the very least of them are authorities on human nature.
+
+I do not wish to boast, but I think that if some emergency should arise
+requiring me to prepare offhand an article on suspenders, straw hats,
+automobiles, or canned tomatoes, I could qualify as an apparent
+authority, anyhow, from things I have heard directly from the good
+fellows pursuing those particular lines, or have overheard in their
+chats with others, in the smoking cars. More than once I have left a
+symposium conducted by a group of these gentlemen almost obsessed with
+the notion that our universities might be better qualified to do their
+real work in life if the average college professor were able to "get his
+stuff over" as humanly, as clearly, as entertainingly, and as
+effectively as do the bulk of these advance agents of the American
+industrial world. They are, according to their several capacities, full
+of their subject, saturated with it, enthusiastic over it, and wholly
+unreluctant when they get even half a chance to reveal their knowledge
+to a ready listener.
+
+I have met men on the road who were as eloquent on the subject of men's
+underwear as I should like to be on the necessity of a cheerier spirit
+in meeting the trials of life, and one effervescent soul on a Pacific
+Coast trip once held me and mine spell-bound by his remarkable
+disquisition on the spiritual influence of comfortable shoes, talking
+for a longer time than I have ever yet listened willingly to a sermon on
+some seemingly less homely topic. And as authorities on the state of the
+nation, political, commercial, and spiritual--well, any kind of
+administration, Republican, Democratic, Progressive, would not do badly
+were it to summon a congress of these individuals to meet annually at
+Washington, to confer with it, to inform it, and to lay before it
+anything having directly or remotely to do with "things as is."
+
+They are by nature diplomats, by instinct orators, and of necessity they
+are profound students of human nature. They have to be adaptable to
+circumstance, ready of resource, and full of tolerance. I take off my
+hat to them, and heartily congratulate the business interests of the
+United States to-day upon the high character and quality of manhood of
+this splendid army in the field of commerce.
+
+One of these good fellows several years ago enlivened me for many weary
+hours on a tedious journey from Kansas City to Minneapolis. The journey
+was full of annoying mishaps, thanks to a habit some of our Southern and
+Western railway people have, lacking roses and other fresh flowers, of
+strewing freight wrecks in my path. It is an expensive tribute; but I
+would willingly go without it.
+
+On this occasion my friend and I dined together, breakfasted together,
+characterized our luck in a beautiful commingling of strong language
+together, and together we watched the painfully slow operations of the
+train wreckers removing that tributary debris from the tracks. He was
+buoyant and undismayed by trial, and for hours he orated eloquently upon
+his subject, which happened to be straw hats. When he got through, had I
+taken notes, I could have qualified for a University degree upon that
+subject if I had sought an S. T. D. (Doctor of Straw Tiling).
+
+The vast gulf that separates the near-Panama from the real thing became
+perfectly clear to me then, if it had never been so before, and I knew
+how it had come about that a New Yorker could buy a Panama hat for two
+dollars and fifty cents on Eighth avenue which on Fifth avenue would
+cost him ten dollars; and why a three-dollar Leghorn purchased in
+Chicago was inferior to a ninety-five dollar Leghorn manufactured in
+Newark, New Jersey, was made so obvious that I have worn neither since.
+His discourse was lucid, picturesque, convincing, and so completely
+comprehensive that women's hats became no more of a mystery to me than
+are those which our truck horses wear in midsummer with their ears
+sticking up through holes in the crown. As we drew near our destination
+I suddenly observed a smile breaking out on his lips, and a decided
+twinkle in his eye.
+
+"Good Lord!" said he. "I've only just realized that I have been talking
+you deaf, dumb, and blind for nearly twenty-four straight hours, without
+giving you a chance to slide in a word edge-wise. I hope I haven't made
+you think life's nothing but a hat to me?"
+
+"On the contrary," said I, "I've learned a lot. You've made life worth
+living."
+
+"I get so infernally interested in my business," said he
+apologetically, "that sometimes I don't realize that maybe the other
+fellow has something to say too. I meant to have asked you this morning,
+but I forgot. What's your line?"
+
+I was seized with a jocular impulse, and I answered instantly "Natural
+gas."
+
+He looked at me with a puzzled expression. "Natural gas?" he repeated.
+"That's a queer business. How do you make deliveries?"
+
+[Illustration: "When he got through I could have qualified for a college
+degree on the subject of straw hats."]
+
+"Come around to the lecture hall with me to-night and I'll show you,"
+said I.
+
+He threw his head back and roared with laughter. "By George! the
+dinner's on me!" he said.
+
+He accompanied me to the hall that evening, and sitting in the front row
+gazed at me quizzically all through my labors--full of sympathy and
+understanding, however--and after the affair was over and he joined me
+for my return journey to the hotel he slapped me hard on the back.
+
+"Some gas, all right!" said he. "I wouldn't blow that out if I could!"
+
+Which I took to be one of the most genuine compliments I have ever
+received.
+
+I have never in any of my trips felt myself in danger of assassination,
+and yet one of these chance acquaintances of mine involved me by his
+love of practical joking in an implied ultimatum from a stranger of a
+most awe-inspiring nature. In leaving a California city some years ago I
+found myself seated with a group of other travelers just inside the rear
+door of the observation car. The train had come to a sudden standstill
+alongside a row of flourishing olive trees, and the traveling man (if I
+remember correctly he was to Suspenders what Darwin was to the Origin of
+Species) jumped from the platform and plucked a handful of their fruit
+from branches overhanging the border of the road. Three of these he
+passed in to me, and in the innocence of my young heart I immediately
+plumped one of them into my mouth, and bit into it.
+
+The result I shall not attempt to describe. Our dictionaries have at
+least a dozen separate and distinct terms signifying that which is
+bitter, no single one of which is adequate even to intimate the taste of
+that olive. There are such expressions as "gall and wormwood"; there are
+adjectives involving such qualifications of taste as "acrid,"
+"nauseous," "sharp," "tangy," "stinging," "rough," and "gamy." None
+suffices. I have tasted rue, I have tasted aloes, I have tasted quassia,
+and I have nearly died of squills. As a small boy I once started in to
+chew a four-grain quinine pill that had been rolled with no ameliorating
+ingredient to take off the tang of it. But never in my life before or
+since have I tasted anything comparable to that olive for pure,
+unadulterated acerbity. It was an Ossa of Gall piled on a Pelion of
+Wormwood--I might say that it represented the complete reunion of that
+Gall which the historians of the past have told us was "divided into
+three parts"--and I suffered accordingly.
+
+But when I saw that traveling man's eye full of twinkling joy fixed upon
+me I resolved not to let him know that the horrid thing was not the most
+exquisite bit of ambrosial sweetness that had ever been perpetrated upon
+my paralyzed palate. I simply chewed quietly ahead, externally as calm
+and as placid as any cow that ever fletcherized her cud.
+
+"How is it?" asked another traveler, sitting alongside me.
+
+"Delicious!" said I. "Have one."
+
+And I handed him over one of my two remaining olives. He was as innocent
+as I, but not quite so self-controlled. Even as I had done, he too
+plumped the olive into his mouth, bit into it--and forthwith exploded. I
+shall not repeat here the appeal to Heaven that issued from his lips
+along with the offending olive itself. Suffice it to say that although
+there were several ladies present it was verbally adequate. And then out
+of the depths of the car, from a physical giant lolling at ease in a
+plush-covered arm chair, came a deep, basso-profundo voice.
+
+"_I'd kill any man who did that to me!_" it said, with a vicious
+aspirate at the beginning of the word kill.
+
+But there was no murder done, and before night as our train rolled over
+into Nevada we were as happy a family as one will be likely to find
+under any kind of roof in the far-off days of the millennium.
+
+It is not often that we look for fine literary and other distinctions in
+the minds of men engaged in the humbler pursuits of life, and yet from
+two of my chance acquaintances en route, both barbers, I have gathered
+subtleties of line that have remained with me impressively ever since.
+The first of these worthy toilers and subconscious philosophers I
+discovered in a Chicago hotel in 1905. I was on my way into Iowa for a
+week of one-night stands, having come almost directly from one of the
+most delightful of my literary opportunities--Colonel George Harvey's
+dinner in honor of Mark Twain's seventieth birthday.
+
+The stains of travel needed to be removed, and I sought the aid of the
+hero of my tale, a stocky little chap, whose face suggested an ancestry
+part Spanish and part East Side New York. I will say that judged
+externally I should not have cared to meet him in a dark alley after
+midnight; but inwardly he turned out to be a pretty good sort of fellow.
+His speech was pure vernacular.
+
+As he was cutting my hair I glanced over the supplement to that week's
+issue of "Harper's Weekly," at that time under Harvey's control, devoted
+to a full account of the Mark Twain dinner both in picture and in text.
+In turning over the leaves to see what kind of melon-shaped head the
+flashlight photographer had given me I came upon the counterfeit
+presentment of the group of which I had been a member, and was relieved
+to find that the print had treated me fairly well, and that instead of
+looking like a cross between a professional gambler and a train robber,
+as most of my published portraits have made me appear, the thing was
+recognizable, and in certain unsuspecting quarters might enable me to
+pass as a reputable citizen. The snipping of the scissors back of my ear
+suddenly ceased as I gazed upon my alleged "liniments"--as an old friend
+of mine used to call them--and the barber's voice broke the stillness.
+
+"Say," he said, pointing with the scissors point to the portrait of
+myself, "that guy looks sump'n like you, don't he?"
+
+"He ought to," said I. "Me and him's the same guy."
+
+"Well whaddyer know about that!" he ejaculated. "Really?"
+
+"Yep," said I.
+
+"And you're from New York, eh?" he went on, resuming his labors. "What's
+the name?"
+
+I enlightened him, and received the inevitable question.
+
+"Whaddyer think of Chicago?"
+
+It had happened that every visit I had made to Chicago for several years
+had shown that city almost completely hidden beneath a pall of sooty
+cloud and lake fog; so I answered him accordingly.
+
+"Why, I like Chicago very much," said I, "very much indeed; but there is
+room for improvement here, of course. For instance, Chicago is dark, and
+gloomy, and cold. Now over in New York," I added, "we have a little
+round, yellow ball that is hauled up into the sky out of the wilds of
+Long Island every morning, and it is so arranged that it moves in a
+perfect semicircle through the sky at the rate of about sixty seconds a
+minute. It is a wonderful invention. It sheds light on everything, on
+everybody, and sort of warms things up for us, and unlike most things in
+New York it doesn't cost anybody a cent. Best of all, when the day is
+over, and we want things darkened up a bit so that we can go to sleep,
+the little ball sinks out of sight over on the western side of the
+city."
+
+"Aw go wan!" he put in. "I know what you mean--you mean the sun."
+
+"Yes," said I; "that's just what we call it. You've evidently heard of
+it before--but why don't you have something of the kind out here?"
+
+His reply was a mixture of a snort and a sniff.
+
+I then went on my journey into Iowa, and at the end of about ten days
+was back in Chicago once more, and in need of further renovation I again
+sought the assistance of my tonsorial friend. After a cordial greeting
+he said:
+
+"Say--I told my wife how I'd fixed you up the other day, and _she'd
+heard of you before_. You wrote a book called 'Tea and Coffee' once,
+didn't cha?"
+
+"Something like that," I replied. "It was called 'Coffee and
+Repartee.'"
+
+"Well, anyhow, whatever the thing was called, she'd read it," said the
+barber.
+
+"I have met two other people who have done the same thing and lived; so
+don't worry," I observed.
+
+"Whaddyer suppose she ast me?" he queried.
+
+"I give it up," said I. "What?"
+
+"She ast me," said he, "was you so very comical, and I told her no, _he
+ain't so damned comical, but he's a hell of a kidder_!"
+
+I may be wrong, but it has ever since seemed to me that there was a
+particularly nice distinction involved in this spontaneous estimate of
+my character, and it may be that a great many of our American humorists,
+so called, would be more aptly described as _kidders_. Our guying
+propensities, and the tongue-in-the-cheek style of humor so prevalent
+to-day, suggest the thought anyhow that the term _kidder_ is more
+discriminating than that of _humorist_, as signifying the qualities of a
+Cervantes, a Rabelais, a Swift, or a Mark Twain.
+
+It was in a South Carolina barber shop that the second nicety came
+unexpectedly upon me. I had looked for a certain quaint philosophy and
+humor among the negroes of the South, and must confess to considerable
+disappointment in not finding much of it. The picturesque article in
+the African line that has so delighted us in the fiction of our masters
+of the pen from the South seems either to have vanished completely from
+the face of the earth or to be a trifle shy in the revelation of itself
+to outsiders. At any rate I found little of it in my wanderings in that
+territory; although a somewhat disagreeable amount of self-conscious
+quaintness, "for revenue only," was not wanting among negroes
+encountered.
+
+[Illustration: "She ast me was you so very comical," said he.]
+
+But this white barber, an anemic little man, whose lazy drawl and
+languid manner bespoke anything but independence of spirit, and in whose
+presence I instinctively thought of the term "white trash," gave me in
+full measure what I had looked for in the sons of Ham. After sitting in
+his chair for a few minutes I mentioned casually that South Carolina
+had a "fine Governor," referring to an individual named Blease, who at
+that time, occupied the high seat at Columbia, and of whose gyroscopic
+talents I had yet to find a South Carolinian of standing who was proud.
+
+"I ain't got no use fo' _Mistuh_ Blease, suh," the man replied, stroking
+his razor up and down the strop with a vigor entirely out of keeping
+with his presumed character. If I had been a blind man, I should have
+felt sure he was a negro, such was his accent.
+
+"I am sorry to hear that," said I. "It would be pleasant to find
+somebody in the State who has some use for him; but so far it all seems
+to be the other way."
+
+"No, suh, I ain't got no use fo' him, suh," continued the barber. "I
+don't like his kind, suh. I have shaved _Mistuh_ Blease many a time,
+suh, an' when he was runnin' fo' Governah he came in hyere most every
+day, suh. One mornin' I says to him, 'Mistuh Blease,' says I, 'you'd
+ought to be a mighty proud man, suh, runnin' fo' Governah of South
+Cyarolina, suh, an' sure to git it. That's an honah, suh,' I says, 'fo'
+yo' and yo' children and yo' children's children to be proud of.' And
+what do you suppose he answered, suh? 'To Blank with the honah!' says
+he. 'What the blank do yo' suppose I caiah fo' the honah?'
+
+"_And I've nuvver give him the honah, suh; no, suh._ _Mis_-tuh Blease
+done got elected, and I've shaved him twenty times since, suh; _but he's
+nuvver had the honah from me, suh. I've nuvver called him Governah yit,
+suh; but it's been Mistuh Blease every time, suh!_"
+
+It was when I was recovering from this loyal assertion of the little
+man's respect for the Commonwealth of his birth that the stillness of
+the shop was broken by the excited voice of a tall, lantern-jawed
+individual with a distinct type of accent, who came rushing in from the
+street.
+
+"Anybody round hyah knows what it costs to beat up a niggah in this hyah
+State?" he cried.
+
+I gasped, and the barber paused languidly in his ministrations, holding
+his razor poised like the sword of Damocles over my head, while he
+reflected.
+
+"Why," said he, "I dunno aigsactly; but the las' time the co'hts decided
+the question I think it was ten dollahs, suh."
+
+"All right," said the intruder, starting to the door. "If it don't come
+to no moh'n ten dollahs, I'll do it. Up home in Ferginia, where I come
+from, it never costs moh'n five; but I'm willin' to go as high as
+fifteen. A coon down hyah at my bohdin' house done give my wife some
+back talk this mornin', _an if it don't cost moh'n fifteen dollahs I'm
+gwine to throw the critter outen de winder_!"
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+HUMORS OF THE ROAD
+
+
+It appears to be the habit of every age to lament its own dearth of
+humor, and in our own time we have not been exempt from the charge that
+we have no humorists. It is my own candid opinion in respect to this
+matter that we are confronted by a paradox in that we have so many
+humorists that in effect we seem to have none; so much of humor that in
+the very surfeit of it its brilliance does not appear; in short, that
+because of the trees we cannot see the wood.
+
+A period that has produced a Dooley, and an Ade, and an Irvin Cobb, and
+a Bert Leston Taylor, is surely not poor in humorous possessions of a
+scintillating character, whether we demand that our humor shall be a
+product of pure fun or of profoundly serious thinking. J. Montgomery
+Flagg in picture and in text is as much a master of effervescent foolery
+as ever was either John Phoenix or Artemas Ward; and in the humor that
+is designed to interpret life itself I find an endless store of it in
+the works of Wallace Irwin, of Montague Glass, of Miss Edna Ferber, and
+of Mrs. Alice Regan Rice; the last two, by the way, forming a complete
+refutation of the preposterous notion that women are devoid of the
+sentiment that cheers but does not inebriate. And as for the wits, if
+Oliver Herford were as lonely among wits as he is unique, I should still
+feel that we were rich beyond measure in that form of humor which is for
+the most part intellectual, of the mind rather than of the emotions.
+
+But even if the charge were true--which of course it is not--that we no
+longer have any purveyors of humor of the first class upon whom we may
+rely for a service as regular as is our supply of milk, butter, and
+eggs, we could still lay the flattering unction to our souls that
+American life is full of humor. If any one doubts the fact, let him
+throw himself headlong into the Lyceum Seas and find out from personal
+contact. To me it seems to crop up everywhere, and whether I travel
+north, south, east, or west I find it in great abundance--humor
+conscious, and humor unconscious; humor of the mind, and humor of the
+heart, or pathos; humor of situation, and the humor involving a mere
+play upon words; humor in all its infinitely varied qualities, and of a
+character most appealing. Writing a short while ago of an alleged
+similar condition in another field of letters, that of lyric poetry, I
+permitted myself the following rather sentimental reflections:
+
+    No singers great are here to-day?
+      Perhaps! Let the indictment stand.
+    I hear no strong voice on the way,
+      No lilt from some immortal hand;
+    And yet as on the silver mere
+      I float, and towering hillsides scan,
+    Deep in my heart I seem to hear
+      Again the merry pipes of Pan.
+
+    No lyrics worthy of the name
+      Are sung to-day by living men?
+    Perhaps! Yet naught is there of shame
+      That we have not old Herrick's pen,
+    For as I wander 'neath these skies
+      As fairly blue as skies can be
+    And gaze into two special eyes,
+      All life a lyric is to me.
+
+With equal truth and sincerity I could say much the same in respect to
+humor, and indeed I might properly even go further. I could not perhaps
+say that all Americans, or even many Americans, are lyrists; but I
+should not fall far short of the mark were I to say that most Americans
+are humorists. In my travels I come across occasional "nonconductors,"
+as a clever woman of my acquaintance once called a certain social light
+who was as impervious to wit as is the rhinoceros to the sting of a
+gnat; but they are few and far between. For the most part I have found
+natural born humorists on nearly every bush.
+
+In a previous chapter I have confessed to some disappointment in the
+quality of the humor of the negro as I have encountered it in Southern
+climes; but there have been, nevertheless, delightful rifts in that
+cloud. I recall an aged son of Ethiopia who called for me one wintry
+morning at four o'clock to drive me from my hotel at Greenville, South
+Carolina, to the railway station. He was a ragged old fellow, and with
+his snowy, wool-covered head composed a study in black and white worthy
+of the brush of any of our best limners of character. He was as
+communicative as he was ragged, and confided to me at the very beginning
+of our acquaintance that he had moved away from Charleston to become a
+resident of Greenville because down in Charleston he couldn't eat
+"pohk" (which I took to be pork) without having to take to his bed;
+while in the more salubrious climate of Greenville he could "swaller a
+whole ham at a settin', an' nebber hyear a woid from dat old ham
+forebber after." His name, he told me, was "mos' gin'rally George"; but
+he "warn't biggetty" about what people called him, since he was willin'
+to come "ef dey on'y jes' whistled."
+
+The early morning hours were cold and dreary, and I found my fur-lined
+horse blanket, as I have come to call my faithful winter overcoat, none
+too warm. Noting George's rather inadequate provision against the chill
+winds, I advised him to wrap his dilapidated old lap-robe about his
+shoulders.
+
+"Ah'm all right, Boss," he replied. "Don't yo' worry erbout me. Dis yere
+old obercoat o' mine ain't much to look at; but hit's on de job jes' de
+same." He gave a most amusing chuckle. "Yo'd ought to hyear mah fambly
+takin' on erbout dis yere old obercoat!" he said. "Dey's kind o' proudy
+folks, an' dey don't like it. Dey says hit don't look neat; but Ah tell
+'um Ah'm a gwine t' wear hit jes' de same, neat er no neat--_de
+undahtakah, he mek yo' look neat_!"
+
+From which I deduced that George was not only a humorist, but in a fair
+way to qualify as a philosopher as well.
+
+Two days later I happened to be at Atlanta, Georgia, over Lincoln's
+Birthday, and it pleased me beyond measure to find printed on the first
+page of one of the prominent daily newspapers of that beautiful city a
+three-column cut of Abraham Lincoln, with a suitable tribute in verse
+from one of America's leading syndicate poets. I had myself for reasons
+of taste, and in order to give no offense to my kindly hosts throughout
+the Southland, omitted from my discourse passing references to certain
+great figures of the Civil War; but on seeing this very notable
+recognition by his old-time adversaries of the great virtues of our
+martyred President, I hesitated no longer in respect to these
+references, and from that time on reverted to the original form of my
+talk.
+
+After eating my breakfast on this morning of the eleventh I dallied for
+awhile in the office of the massive Georgian Terrace Hotel, smoking my
+cigar, and glancing over the news in the paper. As I was about to toss
+the paper aside a fine old type of your Southern gentleman seated
+himself on the divan alongside of me, and in the usual courteous
+fashion of the country gave me a morning salutation. I responded in
+kind, and then tapping my paper observed:
+
+"That is a fine picture of Lincoln."
+
+"Yes, suh, a verruh fine picture, suh," he replied. "I never had the
+honah of seein' Mistuh Lincoln, suh; but from all I hyear, suh, he must
+have resembled that picture pretty close, suh."
+
+"It is a delight to me to find it in one of your Southern newspapers,"
+said I, "especially in one so influential in the South as this."
+
+"Yes, suh," he answered. "It shows that the South is not slow to
+recognize genius, suh, wherever it is found, suh. But," he added, "there
+is no occasion for surprise, suh. We have always appreciated Mr.
+Lincoln's greatness down hyear, and we have admiahed him, suh; _though
+we have had reason to believe that durin' the late onpleasantness, suh,
+he was consid'rable of a No'thern sympathizah, suh_."
+
+Conspicuous in my memory for both his conscious wit and his unconscious
+humor is a strapping negro I encountered at a junction down in Alabama
+last winter. I was marooned there for five weary hours, receiving at
+the hands of its natives as high a courtesy and as fearful food as I
+have ever yet had presented to me. The colored porter at the hotel had a
+face as black as the ace of spades, and as childlike and bland as it was
+black. He seemed to take a tremendous interest in me, especially in my
+fur overcoat, which he appeared to think must "ha cost as much as eight
+dollahs," and he plied me with questions as we stood on the railway
+platform waiting for my train into Birmingham for a full hour that
+nearly drove me to despair. I have not space for that illuminating
+interchange of ideas in all its verbal fullness; but part of it ran in
+this wise:
+
+"Whar yo' come from?"
+
+"Maine," said I.
+
+"Maine?" he repeated. "What's Maine?"
+
+"Why, Maine--Maine is a State," said I. "And it's a nice one too," I
+added.
+
+"Oh, yaas," he said. "Hit's ober yander, ain't it?" he continued, with a
+wave of his hand sweeping enough to take in the whole universe.
+
+"Yes," said I, "away over yonder. It's down East."
+
+"Got any children?" he queried.
+
+"Yes," said I, "I've got two sons in Detroit, and--"
+
+"Dee-troit, eh?" he interrupted. "Yaas, suh, Ah've heerd o' Dee-troit.
+Dee-troit's a nice State too--a mighty nice State--a nice State to have
+two sons at, Ah reckon. So yo' was born in Dee-troit, was yuh?"
+
+"No," I replied, "I wasn't born at Detroit; I was born at Yonkers--"
+
+"O-o-oh! So yo' was born at Yonkers, was yuh? Yaas, suh--Yonkers! Ah
+don't know much erbout Yonkers; but Ah guess Yonkers is a nice State
+too, ain't it?"
+
+"Well," I laughed, "yes--Yonkers is a pretty nice State too--what you
+might call a Comatose State; but--"
+
+"Yaas, suh--Ah've heern tell dat Yonkers was one o' dem cummytoe States,
+an' Ah guess dat's a pretty good kind ob a State to be bohn in. What yo'
+sellin'?" This with a hasty glance at my suitcase.
+
+"Brains," said I.
+
+"Lawsy me! Sellin' brains, eh?" said he. "Waal, suh, Ah'm sorry. Yo'
+look so kind o' set up Ah thought yo' was a-sellin' seegyars. Yaas,
+suh--Ah'd hoped yo' was." He gazed wistfully along the shining rails.
+"Dem seegyar drummahs is mighty free wid deir samples, suh," he
+continued, "and Ah been a hopin' yo'd be able to spar' me a han'ful like
+de res' ob 'em does. But ef yo're dealin' in brains, hit ain't _likely
+yo' got enough to gib any away_."
+
+I may add that his disappointment was short-lived; for before we parted
+I took him across to the general store that fronted on the railroad
+track, and by the judicious expenditure of a quarter bought him a supply
+of his favorite brand large enough to last him a week. A single one of
+them would have done for me forever.
+
+Repartee has always been a characteristic gift of the American people,
+due no doubt to a political system that turns almost every community
+into a debating society at least once a year, and sometimes oftener.
+Readiness of verbal retort has thereby become an inheritance that grows
+richer in the squandering of it. It has been a quality so conspicuous
+that it has led a great many people, justly or otherwise, to assert that
+there are more really good jokes to be found in the course of a year in
+the columns of the "Congressional Record" than in the cleverest of the
+world's comic papers. However this may be, I know that one of the
+zestful things about a lecturer's life is the jestful thing that lurks
+at his side almost everywhere he turns.
+
+I have had many proofs of this in my own wanderings; some direct, and
+some at long range. An amusing instance of the long-range retort
+occurred some years ago when I found in my mail one morning a letter
+from a gentleman living in Wyoming, an entire stranger to me, who said
+that he had heard from a friend that I wrote after-dinner speeches for
+others as part of my professional work.
+
+     Somehow or other [he continued] I have managed to get a reputation
+     as a wit which I don't deserve; but I've got to live up to it, or
+     go under. Now it has occurred to me that since you are in the
+     business of writing after-dinner speeches for others you might turn
+     out three crackajacks for me.
+
+[Illustration: "If yo're dealin' in brains, hit ain't likely yo' got
+enough to gib any away."]
+
+     So, without beating about the bush any longer, I want to ask you
+     what you would charge me for three ripsnorters lasting about a half
+     an hour each, speaking at the rate of a hundred and fifty words a
+     minute, on the subjects of "Our Glorious Commonwealth," "The
+     Star-Spangled Banner," and "The Ladies." If your terms are not too
+     high, I shall be glad to give you the order.
+
+I cannot say whether my sensations upon reading this delightful
+communication were more of amazement or of amusement, but after due
+deliberation I decided to answer the letter in a facetious spirit.
+
+     I have your esteemed favor of Thursday last [I wrote], and beg to
+     say that my regular charge for a single speech such as you require,
+     suitable for delivery before a mixed gathering of ladies and
+     gentlemen, has invariably been $1,000 in the past; but since your
+     proposition is more or less on a wholesale basis, and business is
+     slack, I will make an exception in your case and give you the
+     special terms of $750 per, F. O. B. I must insist, however, that
+     you regard these terms as strictly confidential; for it might
+     involve me in serious complications if Mr. Choate, and Gen. Horace
+     Porter, and Senator Blank were to learn that I was cutting rates.
+     They have been among my best customers for many years, and for
+     their own sakes, as well as for my own, I do not wish to lose their
+     trade.
+
+This letter, which I felt tolerably sure would end the matter once and
+for all, was mailed, and within a week brought me the following
+telegraphic response:
+
+     _If you write Senator Blank's speeches, I don't want one from you
+     at any price._
+
+It added not a little to the poignancy of this retort that the telegram
+was sent "collect."
+
+Another example of ready American facetiousness cheered a dull day for
+me last year in Tennessee. I was booked to lecture before a charming
+collegiate community at Blue Mountain, Mississippi, and to get there
+from Memphis was required to make a railway connection at a curious
+little town called Middleton. Middleton was an amazing concoction of
+piccaninnies, waste paper, inactive whites, and germ suggestion. Mr.
+Goldberg, the cartoonist, would probably have referred to it if he had
+been along with me as the town that put the Junk in Junction, and upon
+its dilapidated railway platform I was compelled to wait for six mortal
+hours, hungry and thirsty, but fearing to assuage the one or quench the
+other for fear of internal complications beyond the reach of medical
+science. If I had never believed in the hookworm before, I became an
+abject coward in the fear of it then.
+
+Middleton's chief excuse for being appeared to be that it was the
+terminus of a featherbed affair called the New Orleans, Mobile &
+Chicago Railway, possibly in ironic reference to the fact that as far as
+I could learn it did not touch any point within two hundred miles of any
+one of those cities. I imagine that the mileage of the New Orleans,
+Mobile & Chicago Railway, or at least that particular section of it, was
+somewhere between thirty-seven and thirty-eight miles linear measure;
+though in the matter of jolting, careening, sliding, skidding, and
+galumphing along generally, its emotional mileage was incalculable, and
+the effect of a ride from Middleton at one end to New Albany at the
+other on the liver surpassed that of all the great transcontinental
+systems rolled into one.
+
+From what I could gather in casual conversation with such bureaus of
+information as were available at Middleton its trains ran anywhere from
+twenty-seven hours to a year and six months late. I will say on behalf
+of its management, however, that after trying it once I concluded that
+it was a miracle it ran at all. Three or four times in the course of my
+waiting I decided to give up the quest of Blue Mountain altogether and
+to return to Memphis; but hope has always sprung eternal in my breast,
+and each resolution to quit the game was superseded by some kind of
+optimistic spiritual reassurance that held me true to my obligations.
+
+Ultimately my optimism was justified, and a panting little combination
+of whirring wheels and iron rust wheezed into view, dragging a passenger
+car of I should say the vintage of 1852, and a shamefully big and modern
+freight car after it. A Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
+Locomotives would have had everybody connected with the institution
+indicted then and there, and I was again strongly inclined to give up my
+effort to get through. It seemed the very height of inhumanity to ask
+that poor little engine to carry my added weight. I should have much
+preferred to lift it tenderly in my arms from the track, and put it into
+the freight car, and pull the train to Blue Mountain myself; at any
+rate, that seemed the most reasonable and the only really kind thing to
+do at the moment.
+
+Nevertheless I boarded the train, having first invested fifty cents in
+twenty-fours' worth of postal card accident insurance at the ticket
+office window and mailed it to my executors. In a couple of hours we
+were sliding and bumping down grade through an oozy morass over tracks
+ballasted with something having the consistency of oatmeal mush
+liberally diluted with skim milk. We slid over the first half-mile in
+about fifteen seconds, thanks to the weight of that shameless freight
+car at the rear, which pushed the rest of us along at a terrific rate of
+speed; but things were averaged up when we came to an upgrade, which, on
+a rough estimate, I should say we accomplished at the rate of about a
+mile a week. After awhile the conductor appeared--a nice, genial, kindly
+soul, who inspired me with a confidence I had not yet managed to acquire
+in the road itself. He was so smiling and serenely unaffected by what
+loomed dark as dangers to me that I was soon feeling rather ashamed of
+myself for being so full of coward fears, and it was not long before in
+my mind I was singing those beautiful lines of Browning:
+
+    The year's at the spring,
+    And day's at the morn;
+    Morning's at seven;
+    The hillside's dew-pearled;
+    The lark's on the wing;
+    The snail's on the thorn;
+    God's in his heaven--
+    All's right with the world!
+
+And as I was humming this comforting assurance to myself there broke
+upon the silence of the car the following colloquy:
+
+"Howdy, Sam!" this from a fellow traveler sprawled comfortably in the
+seat just back of me.
+
+[Illustration: "A Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Locomotives
+would have had them indicted then and there."]
+
+"Howdy, Jim!" this from the smiling conductor.
+
+"How long you been with this hyere road, Sam?" asked the fellow
+traveler.
+
+"Seven years last March, Jim," replied the conductor.
+
+"_My Gord, Sam!_" cried the fellow traveler, sitting up. "_This must be
+your second trip!_"
+
+As for subtle humor of a rather sly sort, perhaps the best example I
+know of was a little jest perpetrated at the expense of one to whom I
+shall refer as my Only Muse, who, I rejoice to say, accompanies me upon
+most of my trips. She was with me once in Iowa when we were stranded at
+an interesting little railway crossing for several hours. The place
+consisted wholly of some stock-yards, a general store, and a small
+wooden cot which passed for a hotel, in which we found every comfort
+that courtesy could provide, even if some of the rather material
+necessities of life were lacking.
+
+We took dinner at the hotel. Seated opposite us at table were two
+farmers, one a handsome middle-aged man, and the other a man wizened and
+gray, with a weather-beaten face, and a kindly eye; seventy years old, I
+imagine, but still as active and as interested in life as a boy, as all
+Iowans, irrespective of foolish years, seem to be. One or two little
+courtesies of the table started an acquaintance, and naturally enough I
+was asked my business in the State.
+
+"Oh, I am out here lecturing," I said.
+
+"Well, we're farmers," said the old man.
+
+Now the Only Muse takes a great interest in farming. She raises herself
+most of the vegetables we consume at home, and one of my ambitions has
+always been to set her up as the presiding Deity over a real farm some
+day when the lure of the platform no longer operates to drag me off into
+distant scenes. She had taken a course of lectures on farming at
+Columbia University, and was enthusiastically full of the subject at the
+time. Wherefore it happened that when my vis-a-vis announced that he was
+a farmer it was the best kind of opening for the conversational powers
+of the Only Muse--which to say the least are generally adequate--and she
+made the most of it. She talked of apples, corn, cows, and bees. She
+dilated eloquently upon the value of persistent "cultivation," and as I
+sat listening admiringly to her evidently masterful handling of her
+varied subjects I suddenly became conscious of the old man's eye
+twinkling across the table at me, and then, as the Only Muse paused to
+catch her breath for further disquisition, he leaned forward, and with
+seemingly innocent curiosity asked:
+
+"_Which one o' ye does the lecturin'?_" I trust that the outburst of
+merriment that greeted his query conveyed to his mind with perfect
+clarity the fact that there are no professional jealousies in my
+household.
+
+At any rate this, with the wonderfully witty response of a distinguished
+railway president to certain reflections I had made in an after-dinner
+speech on his road, appeals to me as one of the most delicately subtle
+bits of wit I have encountered anywhere in real life--which life on the
+road undoubtedly is.
+
+That the reader may judge for himself if the railway president was
+wittier than the Iowa farmer or not, I will close this chapter with a
+short narration of that incident.
+
+The gentleman in question was Daniel Willard, president of the Baltimore
+& Ohio, who on an occasion in New York listened courteously to some
+facetious observations I had to make on the subject of the wonders of
+the B. & O., and two days later heaped coals of fire upon my head by
+sending me by mail a pass over his railroad. I was of course delighted;
+but before using it decided to read carefully the "conditions and
+limitations named on the reverse side," under which it was issued. I
+turned the treasure over and read the following:
+
+     This pass will be accepted for transportation WHEN ACCOMPANIED BY
+     CERTIFICATE of Company's Agent, attested by office-stamp, that the
+     bearer has presented evidence of being HOPELESSLY INDIGENT,
+     DESTITUTE, AND HOMELESS, or an INMATE OF A CHARITABLE OR
+     ELEEMOSYNARY INSTITUTION, a SOLDIER or SAILOR about to enter either
+     a NATIONAL HOME or "A HOUSE BOAT ON THE STYX," or otherwise
+     qualified as entitled to free transportation under Federal or State
+     Laws.
+
+I do not remember whether or not I ever thanked Mr. Willard for this
+courtesy; but if I did not I do so now, and beg to assure him that I
+would not exchange that little document to-day for a controlling
+interest in his road. I am not much of a business man, but I have a keen
+sense of relative values.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+MINE HOST
+
+
+    Whoe'er has traveled life's dull round,
+      Where'er his stages may have been,
+    May sigh to think he still has found
+      The warmest welcome at an inn.
+
+So wrote William Shenstone, a minor poet of England in those brilliant
+days that produced Addison, and Swift, and Richard Steele, and our own
+great philosopher and humorist Benjamin Franklin. I used formerly to
+sympathize deeply with the poet's sentiment, so charmingly expressed,
+and in a certain way I do so still; but in the last decade, involving so
+much wandering, and so many inns of varied degrees of excellence, I have
+found that my sympathy with Shenstone's thought has undergone
+considerable modification. I should indeed sigh to think that I had
+found my warmest welcome at an inn; but I should hesitate to indorse any
+sentiment that would seem to underestimate the value of the
+whole-souled, genial character of Mine Host, as I have encountered him
+in all parts of the United States.
+
+While I cannot truthfully say that I think we Americans have a genius
+for hotel management, such as our cousins of Switzerland, for instance,
+appear to have, I can at least say that I believe we have a natural
+aptitude for a peculiarly delightful kind of spontaneous hospitality, of
+which I have been for years the grateful beneficiary. If a hotel were a
+thing of the spirit solely, I should say that the hostelries of the
+United States, taking them by and large, approximate perfection; but
+unfortunately one cannot impart tenderness to a steak with cordial
+smiles, freshness to an egg with a twinkling eye, or the essential
+properties of coffee to a boiled bean with a pleasant word; and if in
+the South and Middle West it were possible to sweep a room clean with a
+welcoming wave of the hand, and to set a mobilized entomology in full
+retreat with the fervor of an advance in friendliness, I should not
+think so often, perhaps, upon the possible duties of local Boards of
+Health in respect to the American hotel situation.
+
+I hasten to add, however, that this situation, hopeless as it at times
+appears to be, brings forcibly to my mind that ancient chestnut set
+forth in the sign in the Far Western church--
+
+    DON'T SHOOT THE ORGANIST:
+    HE IS DOING THE BEST HE CAN--
+
+for I verily believe that in nine cases out of ten the landlords of the
+nation are in point of fact doing the "best they can," and in many
+instances in the face of heart-breaking discouragement. They are
+themselves quite aware of their deficiencies, as was once clearly
+established in the inscription I saw in front of an Oklahoma caravansary
+as I passed through on the Katy-Flyer, to the following effect:
+
+    THE SALT AND TOOTHPICKS SERVED AT THE
+       SAINT JAMES ARE AS GOOD AS THOSE
+           AT ANY HOTEL IN AMERICA
+
+Our American communities, unfortunately, have not yet awakened to the
+economic fact that a good hotel is about as valuable an asset as a town
+can have. An enterprise that might very properly, and for the general
+good, be subsidized by the Board of Trade, or even by the town itself,
+is left to private initiative; usually with barren, if not bankrupting,
+results.
+
+New England is slowly awakening to this need, and within the last few
+years a number of fine hostelries have been established, with the
+backing of real civic interest, and under trained management; but very
+few of even the most progressive Western and Southern Communities seem
+as yet to have taken so vital a matter into consideration. They have
+good will and courtesy enough among them to run a thousand highly
+acceptable caravansaries, and I have sometimes wished that some of their
+individual qualities might in some way be engrafted upon our more
+sumptuous Eastern hotels, where one is able to get anything one is
+willing to pay for, except the feeling that somebody somewhere in the
+hotel is glad he came.
+
+[Illustration: "If it were possible to sweep a room clean with a
+welcoming wave of the hand--"]
+
+I do not know how many thousand library buildings our great Ironmaster
+has caused to be built in this country--and we who write books have
+cause to be grateful to him for having provided such rarely beautiful
+mausoleums for the final interment of our cherished productions--but I
+have often wished that his generous pursestrings had been loosened on
+behalf of hospitality, rather than exclusively for the perpetuation of
+current fiction and books of reference that nobody ever uses. Before the
+trusts are finally curbed I hope that one or two more swollen fortunes
+may be produced, and that the owners thereof may be inspired to carry
+the light of living into communities in need of something of the sort,
+by building hotels for them, in which clean rooms suitably aired, and
+good food properly cooked, may be provided for those who have to travel,
+and are so constituted that they cannot eat poetry, nor sleep
+comfortably between the sheets of the lamented William James's
+incursions into pragmatic philosophy, dry as they unquestionably are.
+
+How next to impossible it is for our good landlords in certain sections
+of the land to conduct their business profitably was once brought to my
+attention by a little incident in a town not many leagues from Atlanta,
+Georgia. I found myself seated one evening at table opposite a traveling
+man of most marvelous gastronomic fortitude. For his supper he ordered
+cereal and cream, two fried eggs "done on both sides," some bacon, "a
+little of that steak," German fried potatoes, some baked beans, a bit of
+kippered herring, milk toast, preserved peaches, hot biscuit, sponge
+cake, and a cup of coffee. After the commissariat had responded
+faithfully, and the table had been duly decorated with the serried ranks
+of "bird-bath" dishes containing the bulk of the enumerated edibles, a
+third party arrived, and an old friendship between himself and my
+vis-a-vis was renewed.
+
+"Well, Tommy, old man, it's ninety-seven moons since I saw you last!
+How's things?" said the newcomer.
+
+"Oh--pretty good," said my vis-a-vis wearily. "Business is good enough;
+but I _ain't feelin' very well myself_."
+
+"What's the trouble--caught cold?" asked the newcomer.
+
+"No," said the other. "I'm just feelin' sort o' mean--_my stummick don't
+seem just right. I guess I been workin' too hard_."
+
+"You'd ought to eat milk toast," said the new arrival.
+
+"Yes," said Tommy. "_I've ordered some._"
+
+At this point the waitress came up for the newcomer's order.
+
+"I'm too tired to order, Jennie," said he. "Just you bring me the same
+as he has, and see that the buckwheats are hot."
+
+"_Gee! Buckwheats!_" cried Tommy. "_I didn't know there was
+buckwheats--bring me a stack of 'em too, Jennie!_"
+
+[Illustration: "Cannot sleep comfortably between the sheets of William
+James's pragmatic philosophy, dry as they are."]
+
+And all of this was on the American plan, at the rate of two dollars
+for three meals and a night's lodging! I am afraid my friend of the
+uncertain digestive organs belonged to the same gastronomic school as a
+famous war correspondent I met at my club many years ago. He was an
+Englishman, and was delightfully enthusiastic about everything he had
+found in America except our hotels.
+
+"And even they wouldn't be so bad," said he, "if it wasn't for that
+beastly American plan upon which they're run. Why, out in San Francisco
+I actually had to eat and eat and eat until I was positively ill, to get
+ahead of the game!"
+
+Traveling Americans are inclined to criticize the hotels of foreign
+countries for their lack of bathroom facilities, and I recall an
+occasion in Rome some years ago when I found the act of taking a dip in
+the one bathroom the hotel provided almost as formal a function as a
+presentation at the Vatican, involving a series of escorts from my room
+to the dark little hole on an upper floor where the tub was kept, far
+greater in number than those involved in my progress from the American
+college to the papal presence.
+
+Indeed, the only occasion I can recall when in a foreign country I was
+able to get a bath without encountering all sorts of obstacles was also
+in Rome, four years ago, when I endeavored to order a bottle of mineral
+water in my choicest Italian, and got a bath instead, the whiskered male
+chambermaid of whom I ordered it having little familiarity with his own
+tongue as "she was spoke" by an American.
+
+But precisely similar conditions exist in this country. An eminent
+singer in one of his famous poems lamented the difficulty of getting the
+Time, the Place, and the Girl together; but if he had ever gone on the
+Chautauqua circuit in this land I fear he would have written also of the
+well nigh impossible operation of getting the Time, the Place, and the
+Tub together; and I may add that I wish a law might be passed requiring
+hotels that do provide bathing facilities to supply also at least one
+towel that is visible to the naked eye.
+
+The story of the man who asked an Indiana hotel clerk to "give" him "a
+room and a bath," to be greeted by the instant response, "_We'll give
+you the room; but you'll have to wash yourself_," contains quite as much
+truth as humor. I had to forego my dip in a Southern hotel on one
+morning because "_the last feller that took a bath here run off with
+the key to the door_," and then on the following morning when the
+bathroom door had been forced open I found the tub constructed of tiles,
+with a lush growth of morning glory vines sprouting up between them.
+When in an Ohio hotel several years ago, having insisted upon a room
+with a bath, I found the latter in a dark cubbyhole whose doors and
+windows had evidently not been opened for months. Atmospherically
+speaking, the Black Hole of Calcutta was a thing of sweetness and light
+compared to it. Nearly suffocated, I struggled with the frosted-glass
+window at one side of the cell for several minutes, and finally with a
+supreme effort got it up: only to find that it _opened on an inner
+corridor of the hotel_.
+
+And be it recorded that the heating facilities are quite on a par with
+these. The heating apparatus of most hotels is either missing
+altogether, or terrifying in character. The latter sort is especially in
+evidence in the natural gas regions, where that useful commodity is used
+with an airy carelessness that inspires dreadful forebodings.
+
+I shall never forget my first introduction to natural gas as a heating
+proposition. It was in an historic edifice in Ohio, which I shall not
+name; for it has already been sufficiently advertised by its "loving
+friends." Suffice it to say that by some strange oversight of Nature it
+still stands. To get to my room, in the first place I was compelled to
+rise several flights in an elevator whose lift was as uncertain as its
+years, and then with the aid of a hallboy to thread an intricate maze of
+interlocking corridors alongside of which the Dedalian Labyrinth was
+simplicity itself. Arrived finally in the room assigned to me, I found
+it dark, damp, and cold.
+
+"How about a little heat here, Son?" said I, appealing to the hallboy.
+
+"Sure!" said he.
+
+The boy faded into the gloom of the far end of the room, leaned over,
+and tugged away vigorously for a few moments on a screw in the
+baseboard, and then standing back about two feet he began to bombard the
+wall with lighted matches--the kind which light only on the seat of a
+bellboy's trousers. I shall not attempt to say how many of these he lit
+and threw at the wall before anything happened. It seemed to be an
+appalling number, and considering the manifest inflammability of the
+building, and the height of my room from the ground, it made me very
+nervous.
+
+"What the dickens are you doing?" said I.
+
+But there was neither time nor need for his answer. One well projected
+match seemed to hit the particular bullseye he was aiming at. There came
+a boom and a flash, and in a second I saw a half-dozen sizable flames
+creeping upward from the floor to a point about breast high on the wall,
+where by some strange miracle the conflagration stopped.
+
+"Nacheril gas!" said the boy, with a grin, as he departed.
+
+It had been my intention to remain overnight in that city; but when I
+realized that that same process was probably going on in at least a
+dozen other apartments, above, beside, and below me, I suddenly decided
+to return to New York on the night train. I will take my chances on the
+future life; but while I live, breathe, and have my being upon this
+terrestrial orb I believe in getting fire risks down to their lowest
+reducible minimum by adopting a policy of complete avoidance.
+
+Our clever newspaper humorists have made a good deal of capital out of
+the haughty hotel clerk with the diamond stud; but I must confess that
+I have never yet encountered this individual in the wide swath of my
+wanderings. Save in one or two places, I have found on the contrary a
+genial solicitude for my welfare, wholly undecorated as to
+shirt-front--often indeed without the shirt-front itself--which has more
+than offset such shortcomings as were characteristic of the inns over
+whose desks they presided.
+
+On one occasion in Indianapolis I encountered what seemed at first to be
+a heartless lack of appreciation and cordial recognition on my arrival;
+but it was more than compensated for in the end, and I should add was
+rather the result of a too high expectation on my own part than the
+fault of the man behind the register. I had long wished to visit
+Indianapolis, largely because of its national reputation as a literary
+center. A State that has produced so many authors of high distinction as
+have come out of Indiana, with her General Lew Wallace, her James
+Whitcomb Riley, Charles Major, Meredith Nicholson, George Ade, Booth
+Tarkington, and those two purveyors of wholesome fiction and good, clean
+humor, the McCutcheon brothers, is entitled to some of the laureled
+interest of a literary Mecca, and I registered at the Claypool in my
+boldest hand, quietly and confidently expecting some immediate
+recognition, such as a not altogether unknown worker on the slopes of
+Parnassus might expect to receive on arriving at Olympus.
+
+The room clerk whisked the register round and studied the inscription
+for a moment. "What's that--Boggs?" he inquired.
+
+"No," said I, my crest falling a bit, "Bangs--John Ken--"
+
+"Oh," said he, bringing his hand down heavily on the bell. "Front, show
+this gentleman to number three hundred and nine."
+
+He tossed a key to the bellboy, which the latter caught with the
+dexterity of a Buck Ewing, the prize catcher in the ball games of my
+young manhood, and holding my diminished head as high as I could I
+followed him to the elevator, devoutly wishing that Riley or Ade might
+happen in and fall upon my neck, and show that low-browed room clerk a
+thing or two he wouldn't forget in a hurry.
+
+And then came a sort of _amende honorable_. Scarcely had I got settled
+in number three hundred and nine when a second bellboy arrived, bearing
+a note addressed to "Mr. John Henry Banks," neatly typewritten, and
+reading as follows:
+
+     DEAR SIR,--If you wish a table for the display of your samples and
+     a plug key for the protection of the same, please apply at the
+     office.
+                           Respectfully,               THE CLAYPOOL.
+
+It was a salutary experience, and in my subsequent visits to the Athens
+of America I have approached it in an appropriate spirit of humility and
+respect. And philosophically I have tried to comfort myself with the
+thought that after all it would not be very surprising if a scuttleful
+of coal arriving at Newcastle were to find its coming a matter of small
+importance to those good people who dig that useful commodity out of the
+bowels of the earth at the rate of ten carloads a minute. Why should a
+mere writer of books arriving at Indianapolis expect to create any
+special commotion, when it is a well known fact that you could not
+possibly heave a brick in any direction in that charming city without
+hitting an author?
+
+I think that for sheer originality in his craft, as well as for his
+human interest, I must award the palm among innkeepers I have met to a
+vigorous old fellow who either ran, or was run by, a hotel I once
+visited in South Dakota. He was known to most people as "Conk": not
+because of the rather hard shell one had to penetrate to get at him, but
+because it was the first syllable of his last name.
+
+His hotel was a two-story brick structure, sadly in need of a Noachian
+Deluge for its preliminary renovation, and built upon the pleasing lines
+of an infant penitentiary. This illusion was faithfully carried out by
+the rooms within, which had many of the physical qualities of the cells
+of commerce. The hotel had a dining room; but Conk had given up serving
+meals therein, and had also as far as I could observe abandoned
+everything else in the way of service as well.
+
+My Muse and I arrived several hours before dawn, and after wandering
+hand in hand for twenty or thirty minutes along invisible highways
+reached the edifice. We registered, and were ushered to a pigeonhole on
+the second tier by a large, yellow-haired youth, who was trying to keep
+awake and mop up the office floor simultaneously, succeeding only
+indifferently in both operations. The particular cell set apart for our
+accommodation was lit by a half-candlepower bulb with a pronounced
+flicker, which shed a dim, religious light upon a walled-in space about
+ten feet square. In this there was a double bed, a nondescript piece of
+furniture which suggested a collision between a washstand and a bureau,
+a rocking chair that refused to rock, and a cane-bottomed arrangement of
+perilous spindles that wouldn't do anything else. After I had disposed
+of our two suitcases and my typewriting machine the only solution of
+another difficulty that immediately arose was to leave our feet out in
+the hall.
+
+As soon as I noted the rather limited character of our accommodations I
+repaired below, to see if there was not available something a trifle
+more roomy: to find only the satisfaction involved in the contemplation
+of the tow-headed six-footer lying asleep on a bench exchanging dreamy
+nothings with his mop, which he held hugged tight to his breast. With
+persistent effort I might have awakened the mop; but the tow-headed
+youth was too far gone into the land of dreams to be recalled by
+anything short of a universal cataclysm. I therefore crept sadly up the
+stairs to our cell, and we reclined on the double bed until dawn, at
+which time the merciful providence of the half-candlepower bulb was
+completely revealed unto us; for if we had been able to see that bed in
+its dim light no power on earth, not all the mobilized armies of the
+world could have induced us to lie down upon it.
+
+An hour later we breakfasted on ham and eggs at a stand-up all-night
+lunch counter which we located after much wandering, and then, returning
+to the hotel, Brother Conk in all his muscular majesty dawned upon the
+horizon of my life. I can best describe him by saying that whatever he
+might do in action, a camera fiend would have found in him a perfect
+model for a snapshot of the long-looked-for White Hope. He was huge and
+indescribably red. His name should have been Rufus, and the hand of Esau
+was a smoothly shaven thing alongside of the Conkian fist. He had a
+penetrating, yet rolling eye that would have subjugated a Kaiser with a
+single glance. He was scrutinizing his fingernails as we entered his
+presence, and in view of my supreme ambition to remain a hero always in
+the eyes of my Muse I saw her safely deposited in our hermetically
+sealed receiving vault above before venturing to address the gentleman.
+This done, I started in to pay my respects to Mine Host.
+
+"I don't suppose you could let us have a larger room," said I
+tentatively, my words coming with a husky falter.
+
+"I dunno what room ya got," was the gruff response, one of the rolling
+eyes settling full upon both of mine.
+
+"We're in nun-number thirty-two," I ventured meekly.
+
+"Well, thirty-three's an inch and a half wider," said he, biting off a
+hang nail. "Ya can move inta that if ya wanta."
+
+It hardly seemed worth while, and considering that in respect to matters
+other than its size, or lack of it, we already knew the worst as to
+thirty-two, we left thirty-three unvisited on the principle that
+
+    --makes us rather bear those ills we have
+    Than fly to others that we know not of.
+
+There were enough wings loose in number thirty-two to enable us to fly
+anywhere on the face of the earth; but we decided not to avail ourselves
+of them.
+
+"Never mind, my dear," said I. "Sufferance is the badge of all our
+tribe."
+
+And the Only Muse merely laughed, and with feminine exaggeration
+comforted me with the assurance that "it might be worse." I suppose it
+might have been; though I don't know how. Anyhow I sat down on the
+rockless rocker, drew an overdraft on the bank of cheer, and proceeded
+to read aloud that fine story of Fiona Macleod's about the good old
+North Countryman who every morning walked out upon his breezy headland
+and "took off his hat to the beauty of the world."
+
+Later in the day the chairman of the lecture committee called to pay his
+respects, and in the course of our conversation I told him of my
+experience with Conk.
+
+"I congratulate you most heartily," said he, laughing. "You came off
+rather better than an exchange professor from Germany who came out here
+last year to give a course of lectures at our agricultural college. He
+asked Conk in his pleasant German way for more spacious quarters, and
+Conk's answer was, '_Sure I can give ya more space_.' And taking the
+professor's suitcase in one hand, and the professor in the other, he
+rushed them both to the front door, threw the suitcase out into the
+street, and, pushing the professor gently out after it, remarked,
+'_There--I guess there's room, enough for ya out there_.'"
+
+Whether the chairman was a mind reader or not I do not know; but I do
+know that in response to my telepathic calls for help he turned to the
+Only Muse and suggested that in view of certain possibilities which
+might incapacitate me from filling my engagement at the lecture hall
+that night we had much better move over to his house, where we would
+find a warm welcome.
+
+"That's fine!" said I, rising with alacrity. "Just you take her over
+with you now, and I'll see Conk, and pay my bill, and come over as soon
+as I can with our luggage."
+
+The plan was promptly carried out, and after seeing the Only Muse safely
+on her way to other quarters I went to number thirty-two, gathered up
+our traps, and with trepidation in my soul approached the landlord. This
+time I found him sitting in the office, before the window, staring
+Nature out of countenance.
+
+"Well, Mr. Landlord," I said, as affably as I knew how, "I--I've come
+to--to settle up. It seems we were expected to stay with Dr. and Mrs.
+Soandso. We--er--we didn't know it when we arrived--and I--I'm sorry to
+leave you; but--er--but of course--"
+
+"_Thank God!_" the landlord returned explosively, rising and seizing my
+hand in a viselike grip that even to remember two years later causes me
+anguish. "That's the first good news I've had to-day. I been running
+this blankety blank blank joint for seven years now, and it's cost me
+over thirty thousand dollars already, and every time I see a blinkety
+blank blank boarder come in through that front door it makes me so
+dashed sick that I feel like nailin' the blankety blank door up so tight
+old Beelzybub himself'd have to come down through the chimbley to get
+inside!"
+
+It was at this point that Conk and I parted company at the beginning of
+what I am inclined to think might have ripened into a lifelong
+friendship. _I had got his point of view!_ Strange as his conception of
+hospitality seemed superficially to be, there was reason in him, and I
+began to perceive that he had some mighty good points. Frankness was one
+of them, and gratitude, and one of the incidents of his career as
+narrated to me later by one of his neighbors was convincing proof that,
+in sporting parlance, the old fellow was a good loser.
+
+It seems that a certain traveling man of great nerve force stopped
+overnight some years ago with Conk, probably occupying number
+thirty-two. It was a fearfully hot night, and the room became unbearably
+stuffy. For a long time the suffering guest strove to open the window,
+but without results. Prayer, condemnation, muscular force, all alike
+were powerless to move it. Finally in desperation the unhappy visitor
+threw on his dressing robe, and stalked down to the office to make
+complaint.
+
+"It's hotter than Tophet in that room of mine," he protested, "and I've
+been monkeying with that dod-gasted window of yours for the last hour,
+and the dinged thing won't give an inch!"
+
+"Well, if ya can't move it, why in Dothan dontcha kick it out?" retorted
+Conk coldly.
+
+"All right, I will," said the guest, returning to the furnace above.
+
+And he did. Glass, frame, and sash were kicked with all the power of an
+angry man into a mass of wreckage never again to be redeemed.
+
+"Well," said the guest the following morning, as he started to leave for
+the station, "what's the tax? What do I owe you?"
+
+"_Not a blamed cent!_" gruffed Conk. "You're the first son of a sea
+cook that's ever had the nerve to call my bluff, and _by Henry you don't
+pay a nickel into my till except over my dead body_!"
+
+If I have seemed in any wise severe in my treatment of Conk in this
+tribute to his memory, I am sorry. The material facts could hardly be
+glossed over; but as for the man himself I am truly glad to have met
+him. I wouldn't have missed him for a farm. He was not much of a
+Chesterfield; but he had his own ways, and they gave me a thrill. The
+joyous, almost grateful courtesy with which he put me out of his front
+door was a thing to remember, and I in turn am everlastingly grateful to
+him for letting me out on the ground floor instead of seizing me by the
+left leg and dragging me up through the skylight, and throwing me off
+the roof. He could have done it easily, and I am sure it was only the
+intrinsic, if considerably latent, nobility of his soul that restrained
+the impulse to do so that I am confident he felt.
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+PERILS OF THE PLATFORM
+
+
+"Yours must be an extra hazardous occupation," said a chance
+acquaintance on a little trip through Ohio last year. "Do you carry any
+insurance?"
+
+"Yes," said I. "I have an excellent accident insurance policy, and it is
+a great comfort. Sometimes on dark nights when I am suddenly awakened by
+some catastrophic quivering of my berth, as if a young earthquake had
+come aboard, and realize that the train has probably left the track, and
+is traveling ahead at a mile-a-minute clip over the rocky bed of some
+mountain stream, it is a real pleasure to me to foot up the sum total of
+the affluence that will be mine if we fail to strike a switch somewhere
+that will get us back on the main line again."
+
+"Affluence is good," said he; "but it won't be yours--not if you break
+your neck."
+
+"Oh, I never think of that," said I. "I think only of the possibility of
+injuries, and from that point of view the accident insurance policy is a
+joy forever. It makes you think so well of yourself, and as you lie off
+in your berth figuring on two legs and a couple of arms at five thousand
+dollars apiece, twenty toes and fingers at two hundred and fifty a
+digit, with your neck valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, you begin
+to feel that a man isn't such a worthless creature after all. I suppose
+even my nose is worth something."
+
+"Great Scott!" he ejaculated. "Do toes and fingers come as high as
+that?"
+
+"They do," said I. "I've carried a policy assuring me a market for them
+at that rate for the last five years, and if I lose them in a railway
+smash-up, in a taxicab, in a trolley, or in a public elevator somewhere,
+the quotation doubles. Under certain contingencies my fingers and toes
+have a market value of ten thousand dollars."
+
+"Heavens!" he cried. "_Have you ever had any luck?_"
+
+From his point of view I presume I have not had any "luck"; but I am
+content, satisfied, and even grateful that so far the exigencies of
+travel have not required me to collect anything on my policy, or
+compelled me to sacrifice any of my digital collateral even at what seem
+to be par or premium prices.
+
+But my friend was not altogether wrong in regarding the occupation of an
+itinerant lyceumite as a hazardous one. If one were to conjure up a
+picture of the gods of evil shooting darts at human targets, one might
+think that, a moving object being harder to hit than one that is
+definitely fixed, the former would prove a better risk than the latter;
+but it is one of the paradoxes of life that this is not the case, unless
+of course the sniping fates are better sharpshooters than professional
+artillerists.
+
+The possibilities of accident to one who is constantly moving from
+pillar to post on American railways, many of them starved to death in
+the name of Progress, and unable to maintain an equipment that is even
+moderately safe; on steamboat lines many of whose vessels are little
+more than resin-soaked tinderboxes, over-crowded with pipe and cigarette
+smokers, and speeding through fog-bound waters at night as though the
+Evil One himself were just astern in pursuit of the Captain; sleeping
+in hotels constructed of Georgia pine, on mattresses stuffed with
+excelsior, with matches that, like flies, will light on anything in
+sight, strewn about on every side,--well, to commute this sentence, the
+possibilities of accident to such a one are of such a sort that "age
+cannot wither nor custom stale their infinite variety."
+
+And as for the lecture halls, one now and then encounters a place where
+it seems as though it were a vain-glorious tempting of fate to enter it.
+I recall one marvelous hall in one of the most cultured sections of New
+England, in a town not more than seventy-five miles from Boston, the
+home of one of America's most famous schools, and the capital of a State
+that has produced men of worldwide eminence, which in any Court of
+Commonsense would have been indicted as a menace to the public welfare.
+It was reached by a climb of two flights of stairs, the first scarcely
+wide enough for two people to walk up abreast, and the second rising
+from the end of a dimly lighted corridor up six steps to a landing
+whence ran on each side two other sections of four or five steps each to
+a second landing, with still a third turn and another climb before the
+auditorium floor was reached; and all this in an ordinary brick
+building, erected long before fireproof construction was even thought
+of.
+
+My lecture in this architectural device of Beelzebub was delivered
+before an audience of four hundred people, just one week after the
+terrible disaster at Boyerstown, Pennsylvania, in which I know not how
+many lives were lost in a fire started by the explosion of a
+cinematograph machine. As I stepped upon the stage I inquired of my
+escort if there were any fire escapes on the building, and was informed
+that a huge iron door at the rear of the stage opened upon one. I was
+moderately relieved until I tried to open the iron door, only to find it
+locked--_and the janitor had left the key at home!_ I may add that if my
+memory serves me correctly--and it does--this ingeniously designed
+atrocity was pleasantly and appropriately known as Phenix Hall. _Absit
+omen!_
+
+In the main, however, the lecture halls of America are rather fine
+affairs. In the State of New York and on the other side of the
+Mississippi River I have found splendid auditoriums, acoustically
+perfect, well ventilated, and as nearly safe as human ingenuity can make
+them. The high schools of New York and Massachusetts, and the
+flourishing educational institutions of the West, have set a pace which
+other communities would do well to follow: not so much for the sake of
+the itinerant platformist as for the "safety, honor, and welfare" of
+their own sons and daughters. In Houston, Texas, where there is a
+municipally owned free lecture and music course on Sunday afternoons,
+beginning in October and running through to May, is one of the finest
+auditoriums I have ever seen anywhere. It seats in comfort and safety an
+audience of eight thousand, and neither New York, Boston, Philadelphia,
+nor even Chicago, has anything comparable to it.
+
+I have indeed had luck according to my own conception of it, on trains
+traveled on, and in respect to trains missed as well. I have been in two
+railway smash-ups, in the first of which the car behind mine was
+overturned and reduced to kindling in the twinkling of an eye, and
+miraculously without serious injury to any one; and in the other the
+engine directly in front of the car in which I was sitting, having
+endeavored to jump a frozen switch, succeeded only in landing upon its
+own back, leaving my car teetering to and fro for a moment as if
+undecided whether to roll down an embankment, or to remain poised on its
+offside wheels like a ballet girl balanced upon one tangoing toe. If the
+gentleman who sat beside me on that occasion had shifted his chewing gum
+to the other side, I think we should have gone plunging down that
+embankment into the river; but fortunately he was too paralyzed with
+fear even to do that, and we remained fixed, safe as ever was the
+intrepid Blondin when he essayed to walk across Niagara Falls on his
+slack wire.
+
+As for the trains missed, it was only an over-prolonged discussion of
+the mysteries of golf between myself and a past-master of putting at
+Haverhill, Massachusetts, which caused me to miss by ten seconds a
+section of the Portland Express to New York that five hours later landed
+in a ditch somewhere in Connecticut.
+
+In respect to perils by water there are the steamboat perils, and those
+more insidious dangers that come from too free indulgence in the only
+kind of beverage the wise platformist dares adopt as a steady tipple.
+These latter perils I have tried to reduce to a minimum by having a
+billion and a half typhus germs mobilized within to patrol my system,
+so that any skulking bacilli seeking to spread revolutionary ideas in my
+midst, and gaining admittance thereto through my taste for ice water,
+will be seized and duly throttled ere they have time to lay the
+foundation for an effective propaganda.
+
+[Illustration: "If he had shifted his chewing gum to the other side, we
+should have plunged into the river."]
+
+But there is no inoculation against the perils of steamboats; although I
+have been in imminent danger only once in this way, and in its ultimate
+results even that was far more amusing than terrifying. I was on my way
+to Boston by the Fall River boat when the incident occurred. The night
+was foggy, and I retired early. The faithful craft kept steadily on her
+way, feeling her path through the dark waters of the sound. I slept only
+fitfully until midnight, when weary Nature at last asserted herself, and
+I fell into a profound slumber. At four in the morning, however, I was
+awakened rudely by a fierce shriek of the whistle, a seemingly quick
+reversal of the engines, a very decided shock as of an impact with some
+heavy body, followed by a grinding sound, and much shouting.
+
+I sprang from my berth, and glancing out of the window could see nothing
+but grimly gray fog. It was the work of a moment to jump into my shoes
+and bathrobe, and go speeding out into the main saloon.
+
+"Any danger, Porter?" I inquired of a wide-awake gentleman of color, who
+was leaning over the stair-railing.
+
+"_Not unless yo' goes asho', Kuhnnel_," he replied with a grin. "_Dis is
+Newport._"
+
+But there are perils other than these which must be taken into account
+in reckoning up the hazards of the profession--or perhaps in view of the
+eternity of the chase it were better called a pursuit. They include
+exposure to almost every kind of catastrophe mentioned in the Litany,
+from battle, murder, and sudden death, through hunger and thirst, to the
+tapering point of mere necessity and tribulation.
+
+I have nearly starved with teeming granaries on every side of me. Once
+in a delightful mid-New York community which I have since revisited and
+come to hold in affection, I found myself after a long, tedious, and
+foodless journey at a hotel where the table was frankly impossible. I
+arrived late, and out of an ample bill of fare there was nothing left
+but a few scraps of preserved fish, and not very well preserved at that.
+If fish could be personified, this particular bit of piscatorial
+cussedness might have passed as the Rip Van Winkle of the Sea, so long
+had it evidently been since it left its home in the depths. The merest
+glance at it filled the eye with visions of serried ranks of ptomaines,
+armed cap-a-pie for trouble. It waved the red flag of digestive anarchy
+from the end of every bone and fin, and fortunately for me the very
+pungency of its aroma took care of my hunger for the moment. One sniff
+appeased my appetite for any kind of food.
+
+Later, when the chairman of the committee called and invited me to take
+a drive with him about the town, even though I had had nothing to eat
+for nearly twelve hours, I accepted. At the end of our drive we stopped
+at the chairman's home, a delightfully comfortable, newly built house,
+which he had designed himself and of which he was justly proud. As we
+entered his dining room a natural association of ideas caused my
+appetite to return with renewed vigor, and I thought I saw a chance for
+at least one good meal that day.
+
+"By Jove, Doctor!" said I, "what a pretty room this is!" And then I
+added, with all the pathos I could put into my voice, "You don't know
+what a joy it is to get a glimpse now and then of a real home dining
+room after eating day after day in some of these fearful country hotels.
+I don't want to seem unduly critical, but really I got the worst dinner
+at the Blithers House to-day that I've ever had." And I stood expectant.
+
+"Well," he said reflectively, "_you'll get a worse supper_!"
+
+And lo, it was so.
+
+A similarly distressing moment one morning out in Montana once brought
+me a more satisfactory tribute. My train was hours late, and no
+preparations had been made by the usually considerate management of the
+Northern Pacific Railroad for the refreshment of the inner man. There
+was neither diner nor buffet on the train, and as the morning wore on
+toward noon I became famished to the extent of positive pain and general
+giddiness. To my supreme relief, however, along about half-past eleven
+o'clock the train drew into the little station of Livingston, where
+connections are made by travelers to the Yellowstone. As we drew slowly
+in the welcome sign of "LUNCH ROOM" greeted my vision; but the train did
+not stop until we had passed the sign by at least a hundred yards.
+Finally when we came to a standstill I rushed to the rear platform of
+the train, and was about to jump off when the conductor intervened.
+
+"Where are you going?" he asked.
+
+"For food," said I. "I'm nearly dead for a cup of coffee."
+
+"We're not going to stop any time," said he, with a glance at his watch.
+"We're seven hours late as it is."
+
+"Oh, come now, Conductor!" said I. "Five minutes more isn't going to
+hurt anybody--"
+
+"All right," said he, "go ahead. Only when you hear the whistle blow
+don't lose a minute, hungry or no hungry."
+
+With that understanding I sped to the lunch counter, and in a few
+moments had a roll and a steaming cup of coffee before me; but, alas for
+all human expectations! the coffee was so fearfully hot nothing but a
+salamander could have hoped to drink it with safety, and I had hardly
+taken one scalding sip of it when the whistle blew sharply. There was
+but one thing to do, and I did it. I poured the coffee into my saucer
+and drained as much as I could of it from that, thrust the roll into my
+pocket, and darted after the train, which had already begun to move
+slowly, conscious all the while of the soft thud of pattering feet, like
+those of the white rabbit in "Alice in Wonderland," behind me. I caught
+the train, seizing the rear platform rail with one hand, and when
+swinging myself on board was projected almost flat on my face by another
+passenger who suddenly developed like an infant battering ram at the
+rear. He was a little man, and his breath came in appropriate pants.
+Both completely winded, we gazed into each other's eyes.
+
+"Bub-beg pardon," he gasped. "I dud-didn't mean to bub-bump into you.
+Very grateful to you--yuh--you saved my life!"
+
+"Saved your life?" said I. "How so?"
+
+"Why," said he, "I was nearly gone for want of my coffee, and the stuff
+was so infernally hot I couldn't drink it, and then when I saw you
+pouring yours out into your saucer, I says to myself, '_Well, if a
+swell-lookin' guy like that kin do that, I kin,--an' b'gosh, I did!_"
+
+A not infrequent source of terror to the platform speaker, if not a real
+peril, is the small boy one encounters en route, singly and alone or in
+groups. I am glad to say that I have always delighted in him, and so
+far, despite the possibilities, none of my contacts with him has
+resulted disastrously; but, while nobody ever need mark him "FRAGILE,"
+it is none the less true that he should be handled with care, and kept
+right side up if possible, for the sake of the general comfort.
+
+One of these youngsters once gave me a supreme example of intrinsic
+honesty which I shall never forget. I met him on the evening of my
+lecture in the town of Everett, Massachusetts. I had somehow got the
+notion that Everett was farther afield from Boston than it really is,
+and starting early I arrived at the high school hall a full hour before
+the advertised time. The building was dark, and every door was locked;
+so that for some thirty or forty minutes I was compelled to pace the
+sidewalk in front of it, awaiting the arrival of somebody who could let
+me in. After several turns up and down the street I was accosted by a
+bright-faced little urchin who held a ticket for my lecture in his hand.
+
+"Want to buy a ticket for to-night's lecture, mister?" said he.
+
+"No, son," said I. "I've heard this lecture several times already, and I
+wouldn't go through it again for seven dollars."
+
+"Gee!" he ejaculated. "_If it's as bad as that, I guess I'd better tear
+this up._" And he destroyed the ticket on which he had doubtless
+expected to realize much soda-water money before my very eyes, and went
+whistling along upon his honest little way.
+
+Perhaps this little lad does not come properly under the head of
+Hazards; but in one of the larger cities of Arkansas I once came upon a
+group of boys who did, and they kept me in a state of trepidation for a
+goodly part of the evening. It happened that simultaneously with my
+arrival in town there arrived also a snowstorm that for that section of
+the country was a heavy one. Heavy or light, it brought with it enough
+snow to provide these forty-odd youngsters with the kind of occupation
+that all healthy-minded youngsters find to their taste--that of
+snow-balling passersby. When my motor arrived at the lecture hall the
+boys were on hand, and for two or three minutes the car was the object
+of a fierce fusillade of icy missiles that nearly put the chauffeur out
+of commission. The committee hustled me into the hall with no more
+damage than one rather slushy splosh of snow perilously close to my
+neck.
+
+"It's a shame, Mr. Bangs," said the chairman, "and I apologize. These
+boys aren't a bad lot; but they are irrepressible. I'd advise you to go
+slow with them to-night. They've broken up two lectures already."
+
+"Gracious!" said I. "Do they attend the lectures?"
+
+"Yes," said the chairman. "By arrangement with the school authorities
+they have the first two rows reserved for them free."
+
+And sure enough when I walked out upon the platform there they were, two
+solid rows of them, eying me like hungry birds of prey ready to pounce
+upon a particularly luscious morsel. I should have fled if flight had
+been possible; but it was not, and I looked forward to an hour and a
+half of trial. But as the chairman was introducing me an idea popped
+into my head which I am glad to say saved the day--or rather the night.
+Instead of my usual opening I addressed a few words to the boys.
+
+"It is an awful shame, my young friends," said I, "that the requirements
+of this lecture course and the necessities of my own engagements compel
+you and me to waste such a delightful evening as this indoors. I feel
+just as badly as you do about it; for while what few hairs I have are
+gray, I give you my word that I'd rather go into a good redhot snowball
+fight with you than listen to the finest lecture that was ever
+delivered. If I didn't have to go on to Memphis to-night, I'd ask the
+committee and the audience to postpone this lecture until the snow
+melts, so that I could show you what a corking shot I am at any old
+beaver hat, moving or fixed, that ever crowned a mortal head."
+
+The effect was instantaneous. A wave of enthusiasm swept over the lads,
+and the only interference I had from them during my talk was a somewhat
+too-ready inclination on their part to help me along with laughter and
+applause at points where tears and silence would have been more
+appropriate. Moreover, when at the close of my lecture I started with
+some reluctance to leave the hall, instead of the volley of arctic
+ammunition that I had expected, I found those youngsters lined up twenty
+on a side between the door and my motor with their hats off, forming a
+little alley of honor for me to tread, giving me three rousing cheers as
+I departed.
+
+From which somewhat trying experience I deduce that there is a good deal
+more latent courtesy in Young America than certain despairing critics
+of modern manners would have us believe. It may be that the reason why
+we do not find it oftener is that we do not ourselves give it the
+opportunity to express itself.
+
+I have spoken of our exposure to "battle, murder, and sudden death," and
+to some it may have seemed an exaggeration to claim anything of the sort
+as a platform peril; and yet there was one occasion upon which I was so
+uncomfortably tangent to such conditions that they seemed all too real.
+It was in one of our far western States. Scheduled to lecture there at
+eight P.M., my train did not reach the town until nine-forty-five. I had
+telegraphed news of my delay ahead, and my audience with rare courtesy
+had voted to remain at the hall until I arrived.
+
+I dressed on the train, and on descending from it was whisked to the
+opera house in a prehistoric hack, which shed one of its wheels en
+route, spilling the committee and myself into the road, but without
+damage; while my Only Muse went on to the hotel, a two-story affair,
+where she secured accommodations for the night. Later, on the conclusion
+of my talk, on my arrival at the hotel, I found the Muse sitting up in
+bed, pallid as a ghost, with a revolver at her side.
+
+[Illustration: "Laughter where tears would have been more appropriate."]
+
+"What on earth is the matter with you?" I demanded, more than startled
+at the sight.
+
+She hardly needed to answer; for almost as I spoke from a saloon located
+immediately underneath our room came the sharp crack of pistols.
+Somebody below there was engaged in the pleasing occupation of "shooting
+up" the place. Not having seen the plans and specifications of the
+hotel, I did not know how thick the floor was, or what were the
+prospects for a sudden eruption of bullets through the carpet. It was
+not any safer to venture out either; for there was no telling how far
+the trouble might spread. So I jumped into bed and trusted to a
+combination of Providence, floor, and hair mattress to hold me immune.
+The disturbance did not last long, however, and shortly after midnight
+all was quiet, and sleep came.
+
+Two hours later we were awakened by a snarling quarrel going on directly
+under our window. Two men were applying epithets of an uncomplimentary
+nature to each other, when suddenly one of them passed the bounds of
+even occidental toleration. He called the other a name that no
+right-minded man could be expected to stand, and we heard three sharp
+cracks of a revolver zipping out in the air. We sprang from the bed and
+rushed to the window, and there lying flat on his back, on a light fall
+of snow, in the glare of an electric lamp, was a man, with a gradually
+widening red spot staining the white of the road on which he lay. There
+was no sign of an assailant anywhere; but in a few moments, in absolute,
+almost ghostly silence, black figures appeared from seemingly
+everywhere, and bent over the fallen victim. We could hear low
+whisperings, and then suddenly one of the black figures detached himself
+from the group, and ran off down the street, returning shortly with a
+covered carriage. Into this the murdered man was placed, the carriage
+was driven off, the snow muffling the feet of the horses, the black
+figures vanished as silently as they had come, and all that was left of
+the tragedy was the red spot in the snow.
+
+We had heard tales of witnesses to similar disturbances being detained
+for months under surveillance, practically prisoners of the law, pending
+the trial of the guilty, and were in no mind to suffer a similar
+experience ourselves. Wherefore when morning came we rose with the first
+glimmer of dawn, packed our suitcases, and, asking no questions of
+anybody, departed for other scenes on the earliest milk train we could
+catch; which happened, fortunately, to be going in the right direction
+for us.
+
+Personally I have a horror of the Zeppelin and its powers to make
+things uncomfortable from its aerial thoroughfares; but as between it
+and the perils of being shot up from below by playful spirits in a
+frontier saloon I think I shall choose the Zeppelin if the choice must
+be made. At any rate, if either emergency should ever again enter into
+my life, I trust I shall have a bomb-proof roof overhead, or an
+armor-plated hair mattress underneath me; for I have no taste for a last
+end in which a coroner will be called upon to decide whether the victim
+of the affair was a mortal being, or a lifeless combination of porous
+plaster and human sieve.
+
+
+
+
+XIII
+
+EMBARRASSING MOMENTS
+
+
+I shall never forget the expression of serene immunity from care on the
+face of one of my editorial chiefs when some years ago I told him that I
+was very much embarrassed by certain arrangements he himself had made
+over my head. They were such arrangements as to make my position frankly
+impossible.
+
+"You have embarrassed me more than I care to say," said I.
+
+"Embarrassment is a sign of weakness," he replied calmly. "Don't ever be
+embarrassed."
+
+"But what can I do?" said I. "You have made these arrangements, and--"
+
+"Well, if I were you," said he, smiling, and putting considerable
+emphasis on the _you_, "rather than admit that anything under heaven
+embarrassed me I'd tell _me_ to go to the devil with my arrangements."
+
+I took him at his word. We both laughed, and the immediate awkwardness
+vanished. While I cannot truthfully say that telling him to "go to" was
+a wholly satisfactory ultimate solution of all our difficulties, I have
+as a matter of policy adopted that attitude toward troublesome things
+ever since, to the material advantage at least of my own peace of mind.
+I have found the philosophy involved a workable one, and more than
+helpful to me in the pursuit of my platform labors, especially that part
+of it involving the "laugh."
+
+It certainly rescued me from a deal of unhappiness over a wasted date a
+year or so ago in Michigan, for which I was in no sense to blame, and
+which, had the various parties been inclined to quarrel over misfortune,
+might have resulted in much unpleasantness.
+
+Following a Wednesday night engagement in mid-Ohio was a Thursday night
+in a more or less remote section of the Wolverine State. To reach the
+Thursday night scene of action I was required to rise at five o'clock in
+the morning and travel with one or two awkward changes of trains to Fort
+Wayne, going thence to Kalamazoo, and from there by a way train to the
+point in question. It was a long, tedious drive of a day, and when I
+reached Kalamazoo I unburdened myself vigorously to the Only Muse to the
+effect that if anybody, anywhere, would offer me a job as third
+assistant manager of a tolerably stationary peanut stand at two dollars
+a week, payable in deferred promises, I should consider the offer a most
+tempting one.
+
+My comfort was not at all enhanced by my discovery on reaching Kalamazoo
+that I had completely misread the timetables, and that instead of
+arriving at our destination at five in the afternoon, leaving me plenty
+of time for rest, refreshment, and change of clothes, the only possible
+train, even if it ran on time, could not get me through to the haven of
+my desires until five minutes before eight, with the lecture scheduled
+to begin at eight-fifteen. So I rested, refreshed, and dressed at
+Kalamazoo, and perforce traveled over the last stage of that wearisome
+journey in full evening dress, slowly but surely accumulating en route a
+sufficient supply of soot, cinders, grit, and other appurtenances of
+travel on a soft-coal, one-horse railroad, to make me appear like a
+masterpiece of spatterwork when I arrived at the farther end.
+
+By some odd mischance, never as yet satisfactorily accounted for, the
+train got through on time. The Only Muse and I hastily boarded an
+omnibus, and were whisked through the impenetrable depths of a dark
+night to the hotel, whence, after seeing her properly bestowed, I
+hastened to the Auditorium where the lecture was to be held. To my
+surprise when I got there I found the building wholly dark. There was
+not a sign of life anywhere about it. I banged, whacked, and thundered
+on the door like an invading artillery corps; but with no response of
+any sort. But a glance up the street a moment later relieved the
+pressure of my woe; for there my vision was cheered by a brilliantly
+lighted church.
+
+"Of course," I thought, "the Auditorium is too small to accommodate the
+audience, and they've changed over to the church."
+
+I glanced at my watch, and discovered that I had two minutes to spare. A
+goodly sprint brought me panting to the front door of the edifice, and
+with some unnecessary noise, perhaps due wholly to the impetuosity of my
+approach, I burst in upon the assembled multitude--to find, alas! that
+the very sizable audience gathered there with their heads bowed, and
+listening to an eloquent appeal for blessings desired by a gentleman
+wearing a long frock coat and a white necktie, were not for me. To my
+chagrin I soon learned that I had come within an ace of _breaking up_ a
+prayer meeting--if I may be allowed the use of such incongruous terms in
+the phrase. I backed out as gracefully as I could, and collided with a
+late comer.
+
+"Is there more than one Auditorium in town?" I whispered, after
+apologizing for my reactionary behavior.
+
+"Oh, yes," he replied politely, "there is the Auditorium, and the High
+School Auditorium."
+
+[Illustration: "I found the building wholly dark."]
+
+"Well, would you mind telling me where they are?" I queried.
+
+"That is the High School Auditorium up there," he said, pointing to the
+Egyptian darkness I had just left. "The other is three squares down,
+where you see all those electric lights."
+
+Whether I thanked the gentleman or not I do not know. I hope I did; but
+in the hurry of my departure I fear I seemed discourteous. Another
+speedy dash, which left me completely winded, brought me to the other
+Auditorium, and there in the full glare of an electric spotlight,
+assisted in its quest of publicity by a hoarse-tongued barker with a
+megaphone, I was confronted by a highly colored lithograph, showing a
+very pink Mabel, Queen of the Movies, standing before a very blue
+American soldier tied to a tree, shielding him from the bullets of a
+line of very green Mexicans, under the command of a very red villain,
+holding a very mauve sword in his very yellow hand, and bidding them to
+"Fire!" If I was expected to take any part in the thrilling episode that
+appeared to be going on inside, there was nothing in the chromatic
+advertising outside to indicate the fact; though I confess I was
+becoming painfully conscious of certain strong resemblances between my
+very breathless self and that very blue American trooper tied to the
+tree.
+
+"Excuse me," said I, addressing the barker, "but is there to be a
+lecture here to-night?"
+
+"Not so's anybody'd notice it," said he. "These is the movies."
+
+"Well--tell me--is there a lecture course of any kind in this town that
+you know of?" I asked.
+
+"Sure!" said he. "Miss So-and-So down at the library is runnin' a
+lecture stunt of some kind this year. You'll find the library on Main
+Street, opposite the hotel."
+
+Again, late as it was, the skies cleared, and I moved on to the library,
+completing the circuit of vast numbers of blocks to a point almost
+opposite the spot I had started from fifteen lifelong minutes before. I
+arrived in a state of active perspiration and suspended respiration that
+did not seem to promise much in the way of a successful delivery of my
+lecture that night. I hoped the Library Auditorium would not prove to be
+a large one; for in my disorganized condition I did not feel capable of
+projecting my voice even into the shallows, to say nothing of the
+sometimes unfathomable depths of endless tiers of seats. And my hope
+was realized; in fact it was more than realized, for there wasn't any
+Library Auditorium at all.
+
+The citizens of that town had a library that was devoted rather to good
+literature than to architectural splendor. Their books were housed in an
+ordinary shop, or store. It was deep, narrow, and bookishly cozy, and at
+the far end of it, seated at a generously large table, engaged in
+knitting, was a charming lady who glanced up from her needles as I
+approached.
+
+"Pardon my intrusion, madam," I panted, "but can you tell me where I can
+find Miss So-and-So?"
+
+"I am Miss So-and-So," she replied graciously.
+
+"Well," said I, "I am Mr. Bangs."
+
+Her knitting fell to the floor. "Why--Mr. Bangs!" she replied, with a
+gasp almost equal to my own. "I am very glad indeed to see you; but what
+are you doing here?"
+
+"I--I've come to lecture," I said weakly, almost pleadingly.
+
+"To lecture?" she echoed. "_Why, your lecture is not to be until a week
+from to-night!_"
+
+"Then I am afraid we shall have to get my astral body to work," said I;
+"for a week from to-night I shall be at Hiawatha, Kansas. How do you
+propose to have the lecture delivered--by long distance telephone, or
+parcels post?"
+
+We gazed into each other's eyes for a moment, and then--we both laughed.
+It seemed the only thing to do.
+
+Gallantry forbids my saying which of us had made the mistake under the
+terms of the written contract. Suffice it to say that two months later I
+returned to that good little town, and was received like a conquering
+hero by an audience that in its cordiality more than compensated me for
+the distressing effects of an "unlectured lecture."
+
+What promised to be a more serious complication occurred about a month
+later in Florida, where in pursuance of instructions from my Southern
+managers I arrived at Daytona on a Monday, to open the flourishing
+Chautauqua Course, which has become a permanent feature of life at that
+attractive Southern resort. The seriousness of the situation grew out of
+the quality of the genius and the nature of the popularity of the other
+individual involved, who was no less a personage than the Hon. William
+Jennings Bryan. Any minor star in the platform firmament who comes into
+collision with the planetary splendor of this Monarch of Modern
+Loquacity has about as much chance of escaping unscathed as a tallow-dip
+would have in a passage at arms with the sun itself.
+
+There is no escaping the fact that Mr. Bryan is the idol of the
+Chautauqua Circuit, and it is equally true that every bit of the success
+he has achieved therein he has earned many times over. I am not, never
+have been, and see no possibility of my ever becoming, a devotee of Mr.
+Bryan's political fortunes; but as a platform speaker he is far and away
+the most brilliant and likable personality in the public eye to-day. He
+is an expert in playing upon the emotions of an audience, large or
+small--preferably large--as ever was Dudley Buck in the manipulation of
+the keys and stops of an organ, and he can at will strike chords in the
+human heart as searchingly appealing as any produced by an Elman or a
+Kreisler on the violin, or a Paderewski at the piano.
+
+The keynotes of his platform work are a seeming sincerity and a magnetic
+humanness that are irresistible, and no individual who has ever listened
+to him in matters outside of political controversy, however reluctant
+to admit his greatness, has failed to fall beneath the winning spell of
+man, matter, and method. He is an interesting personality, and has a
+greater number of points of contact with the general run of humanity
+than any other public speaker of to-day. It is a stimulating thing to
+know that in this line of human endeavor he has got his reward in the
+assured position he holds in a movement at which it is the fashion in
+some uninformed and cynical quarters to sneer, but which in point of
+fact has had a supremely awakening effect upon the American people, and
+for which we are all of us the better off.
+
+"All of which," as a friend of mine once put it after I had expressed
+myself in similar terms concerning Mr. Bryan, "is some tribute for a
+narrow-minded, hide-bound, bigoted, old standpat, reactionary,
+antediluvian Republican to pay to a hated rival!"
+
+I was frankly appalled on arriving at Daytona to find the town placarded
+from end to end with posters announcing Mr. Bryan's appearance there
+that evening--my evening, as I had supposed it to be. I did not know
+exactly what to do. I knew perfectly well what would happen to me if it
+came to a hand-to-hand contest for possession of the stage. Physically,
+with Mr. Bryan and myself left to decide the matter for ourselves, after
+the fashion of a pair of bantam white hopes, I felt that I might have a
+fairly good chance to win out; for I am not altogether without brawn,
+and in the matter of handling a pair of boxing gloves am probably quite
+as expert as the late Secretary of State; but nobody outside of
+Matteawan would be so blind to commonsense as to expect an audience
+anywhere either to stand neutral or to indulge in a policy of "watchful
+waiting" with such a contest going on on the platform.
+
+My first impulse in the circumstances was to get out of town as quickly
+and as quietly as I could, and forget that there was such a place as
+Daytona on the map; but a careful scrutiny of my letter of instructions
+reassured me. The date, according to the supreme managers at Atlanta,
+was clearly mine, and I decided at least to go down with colors flying.
+I have never run from my own lithographs, and I saw no reason why I
+should flee from Mr. Bryan's. I got in touch with the local committee as
+soon as possible, and soon had at least the solace of companionship in
+my misery. They were as upset about it as I was.
+
+"But, Mr. Bangs," protested the chairman, almost with tears in his
+eyes--his voice was full of them--"you aren't due here until to-morrow
+night."
+
+"I don't see how that can be," I replied unfeelingly. "You know
+perfectly well that I am not twins, and only twins can appear in two
+places at once. I am to lecture at Miami to-morrow night."
+
+I handed the gentleman my letter of instructions, confirming my
+statement. It was all down in black and white.
+
+"It's a perfectly terrible situation," said the chairman, tears even
+springing from his brow, "and I'm blest if I know what to do!"
+
+"There is only one of three things to be done," said I. "The first is to
+let me sit in the audience to-night and listen to Mr. Bryan, collecting
+my fee on the ground that I have earned it by holding my tongue--which
+is some job for a man primed with unspoken words. The second is to let
+Mr. Bryan and myself go out on the platform and indulge in a lecture
+Marathon, he at one side of the stage, I at the other, talking
+simultaneously, the one that gets through first to get the gate money.
+The third and best is for you to telegraph Mr. Bryan and find out direct
+from him what his understanding is as to the date."
+
+The first or the last of the propositions would have suited me
+perfectly; for I should have been delighted to listen to Mr. Bryan
+whether I was paid for it or not--and most assuredly had Mr. Bryan
+himself laid claim to the date no power on this earth could have lured
+me into a dispute over its possession. I am too proud of this life to
+risk its uncertain tenure for the brief glory of an hour on a preempted
+platform.
+
+I am glad to say that before dusk the complication was cleared off; for,
+the third alternative having been accepted by the committee, Mr. Bryan
+was caught on the wire, and replied instantly to the effect that he was
+to lecture that night on some such subject as "The Curse of Wealth" at
+Palm Beach, where many sufferers from that particular blight are
+annually gathered together in large numbers. The skies immediately
+cleared, and I went out that night before a packed house, the unwitting
+beneficiary of widespread advertising on Mr. Bryan's behalf, and enjoyed
+myself very much; although as I sped along I could "spot" here and
+there in the audience individuals who, having come to hear Mr. Bryan,
+like Rachel weeping for her children, "refused to be comforted."
+
+My only lasting regret was that my contract did not call for the payment
+to me of fifty per cent. of the boxoffice receipts. I have no doubt
+there were people there that night who thought, and possibly still
+think, that I stole that audience. And perhaps I did; but I was no more
+responsible for the theft than was poor little Oliver Twist, who found
+himself at unexpected places at unlooked for hours through the efforts
+of those "higher up." I may add too in all sincerity that if Mr. Bryan
+himself feels, or felt, in any way aggrieved over what he might call my
+"unearned increment" in listeners, I will gladly exchange fees with him.
+I will unhesitatingly, at his request, and by return mail, send him my
+check for the full amount received by me on that somewhat nervous
+occasion if he will send me a postoffice order for the amount received
+by him the evening after.
+
+Embarrassments of a less poignant character frequently arise in the
+matter of unexpected calls for service, for which the public generally
+assumes the platform speaker to be necessarily always prepared, but for
+which as a matter of fact no amount of preparation could adequately fit
+any man built on the old-fashioned plan in respect to his nervous
+organization. One of these affairs came into my experience a decade ago,
+when, crossing the Atlantic Ocean on that high-rolling ocean greyhound,
+the _Lucania_, I was drafted by an overzealous committee of arrangements
+to preside over one of those impromptu entertainments got up on
+shipboard for the benefit of the widows and orphans of those who go down
+into the sea in ships. To these more than worthy enterprises gratitude
+for benefits received has always made me a willing contributor; but to
+participate in them has ever been a trial. I would rather lecture before
+the inmates of a deaf and dumb asylum with a sore thumb.
+
+The company aboard a transatlantic liner is always, to say the least,
+"mixed" in the matter of nationality; and, while one might be willing to
+"make a stab" at being witty before a gathering all English, all French,
+all German, or Pan-American, woe be unto him who vaingloriously attacks
+the risibles of a multitude made up of all these widely varying racial
+elements! Their standards of humor are as widely divergent as are their
+several racial strains, and one might as well try to sit on four stools
+at once with perfect composure as expect to find the "Chair" under such
+conditions comfortable. One has to acquiesce in such demands, however,
+or be set down as disagreeable, and when the committee approached me in
+the matter they received a much readier yes than I really wished to give
+them.
+
+The night came, and I found myself at the head table in the dining
+saloon working for dear life to keep the thing going. There was a pretty
+slim array of talent, and from one end of the program to the other there
+was nobody to hang a really good joke on, even if I had had one to hang.
+A chairman can always be facetious at the expense of distinguished
+people like Chauncey M. Depew, Henry James, or Mr. Caruso, and "get away
+with it"; but the obscure amateur cannot be handled with brutal
+impunity. I think I may say truthfully that no man ever worked harder at
+the pumps of a sinking ship than I did that night. And to make matters
+worse there was a heavy rolling sea on, and, while I never suffer from
+seasickness, the combination of motion and nerves made me uncomfortably
+conscious of an insurgent midst as I forged hopelessly ahead.
+
+Finally, however, there came a rift in the cloud of my despair. A
+pleasant little cockney ballad singer who was coming over to America for
+a season in vaudeville volunteered to sing a ballad. It was well sung,
+and most pathetic. It depicted in dramatic fashion the delirium of an
+old British veteran, who, as the hour of death approached him, was
+fighting over again in fancy the battles of his youth. The refrain of
+the ballad was _Bring me the old Martini, and I shall die in
+peace!_--referring of course to the rifle that for a period of years up
+to 1890 had been the official weapon of Tommy Atkins. I made the most of
+so obvious a lead, and before introducing the next number on the program
+thanked the singer for his dramatic rendering of so fine a story.
+
+"But, my friends," said I, "that ballad saddens me in more respects than
+one. I have long believed in international brotherhood. In common with
+my friend Conan Doyle and others who have advocated the hands stretched
+across the sea, I have been in sympathetic accord with the idea of
+universal brotherhood; but now and then certain little things crop up
+that, insignificant in themselves, show us none the less how radically
+far apart we really are. This splendid old British warrior calling for
+his Martini is a case in point, and I am sure my own compatriots here
+to-night at any rate will realize the vast gulfs of separation that
+exist between the Britons and ourselves when I ask them what they would
+bring to a dying American soldier, delirious or otherwise, if he were to
+call for a Martini."
+
+The point took with the Americans; but the others, charming Frenchmen,
+delightful Germans, cultivated Englishmen, stared at me in stolid
+silence, and one or two of them shook their heads as if bewildered. It
+was a hard situation, and I slammed the rest of the evening through
+without further attempts at playfulness, retiring to the seclusion that
+my cabin granted an hour later, resolved never again to serve as
+presiding elder at a vaudeville show either on land or sea.
+
+I felt almost as solemnly embarrassed as I did one evening in
+Pennsylvania, later, when my lecture was opened with prayer and I heard
+a good clergyman begging the Lord to "show His mercy upon the audience
+gathered here," to "protect them from all suffering, and in His
+infinite wisdom, if it were His will, to enable the speaker of the
+evening to rise to his opportunity."
+
+But there was an after result of that Martini jest which more than made
+up for the depression that followed its failure to strike home. I write
+of it, however, with some diffidence; for I am convinced that some
+reader somewhere will observe that the incident is only another
+variation of Senator Depew's famous tale of the Englishman who wanted to
+know what really was the matter with the mince pie. As a matter of fact
+it is the twin brother of that famous anecdote; but, while I am
+perfectly willing to think the Depew story really happened, I know that
+mine did, and I therefore record it.
+
+The morning following the impromptu concert I was pacing the deck of the
+steamer when one of the more distinguished passengers aboard, an English
+army officer, who occupied at that time, and still holds, an important
+post in British military circles, stopped me.
+
+"Mr. Bangs," he said, holding out his hand, "I want to thank you for a
+charming evening last night, and to express my admiration for the
+delightful way in which you carried off your difficult honors. It was
+really most interesting."
+
+"Thank you, General," said I. "That is very nice to hear. I thought it
+fell rather flat."
+
+"Not at all, not at all," he rejoined; "though, to speak quite frankly,
+there was one of your jests that I--I--I didn't really get. What humor
+you have, sir, I think I appreciate. During a period of convalescence in
+the Transvaal somebody sent me a copy of your 'House Boat on the Styx,'
+and I--I--I found it very amusing; but this joke last night--after the
+little chap had sung that ballad--about the dying veteran you know--it
+quite escaped me. Er--_what would they bring an American soldier who
+called for a Martini?_"
+
+"Well, General," said I, restraining an impulse to be amused, "I might
+explain, and explain and explain the point to you, giving you a chart in
+full detail, exploiting the theory of the thing as fully as possible,
+without satisfactory results. It is a case where an object lesson will
+demonstrate in a minute what no amount of abstract argument could convey
+in a year. If you will come with me into the smoking room, I'll show you
+exactly what nine out of ten people in America would give to a soldier
+crying aloud for a Martini."
+
+[Illustration: "But what was the point of this little joke last night?"]
+
+We repaired accordingly to the smoking room, and in response to my order
+the steward shortly placed two misty Martini cocktails before us.
+
+"There you are, General," said I, smiling, "that's what!"
+
+He gazed at the Martinis a moment, and then he fixed his handsome eyes
+on me. There was a merry twinkle in them, and after he had swallowed
+the object lesson he leaned over with a broad smile and spoke.
+
+"I am very much afraid, Mr. Bangs," said he, "that that idea you
+Americans have that we British are sometimes a trifle sluggish in our
+perception of the subtler points of an American jest, bristling as they
+often do with latent significance, is not altogether without
+justification. In order to show you how completely, how fully, I
+appreciate the excellence of your witticism I would suggest that _we
+have two more_."
+
+I draw no conclusions of an invidious nature from this little episode;
+for I recall with pain, and some contrition, an American audience in a
+prohibition section of one of our Eastern States before whom I had the
+hardihood to tell that story on a hot summer night three years ago, only
+one of whose six hundred members saw the point, and he didn't dare laugh
+for fear that by doing so he might risk his reputation for sobriety--or
+so he informed me for my consolation later in the evening as he and I
+zig-zagged together down an ice-covered mountain-road to the railway
+station in a rattling motor car driven by a chauffeur who had apparently
+confounded his own stomach with the gasoline tank.
+
+
+
+
+XIV
+
+"SLINGS AND ARROWS"
+
+
+One's democracy receives a pretty severe test on the road, and I am
+indeed sorry for the man who is always so solicitous for his own dignity
+that the free and easy habits of the American of Today affront him. The
+lecture platform is no place for what Doctor Johnson's friend Richard
+Savage would doubtless in these days have characterized as "the tenth
+transmitter of a foolish pride."
+
+A people like ours, made up of a hundred million sovereigns, and
+actuated for the most part, in their social intercourse at least,
+by a spirit of fraternity, mixed with a very decided inclination
+to be facetious, forms a somewhat bristling environment for the
+supersensitively self-centered. If such a one contemplates the invasion
+of the lyceum territory, as a friend and brother let me advise him to
+spend at least a year in some social settlement where he may be
+inoculated with sundry useful social germs, as a preventive of much
+misery ahead. He must get used to much familiarity of a sudden sort, and
+realize fully that our American world, while it respects ability, and
+withholds from it no atom of its due appreciation, is in no particular a
+respecter of mere persons.
+
+In respect to "having to be shown" we are by a large majority "from
+Missouri," and it will never do for the lyceumite to try to hedge
+himself about with any fences of false dignity. The palings of those
+fences may be sharp, and connected with barbed wire; but the American
+citizens of the hour walk through them, or vault them, as easily as if
+they were not there. And it is all very harmless too; for no man's real
+dignity has ever yet suffered from any assaults other than his own.
+
+I recall an incident of my travels in the Dakotas some years ago that
+brought this situation home to me very vividly. I was on my way to a
+county seat in one of those vast twin commonwealths on a rather sluggish
+way train, and found among my fellow travelers three very live human
+beings who had apparently just met after a long separation. One of them
+was a rather stout little man, with a fresh, boyish face; another was a
+tall and spare ferret-eyed individual who might have posed as an
+acceptable model for a picture of Sherlock Holmes; and the third was a
+well built young giant, a veritable blond Samson, full of the boisterous
+spirits of young manhood.
+
+The three sat across the aisle from me, and inasmuch as Nature had not
+seen fit to supply their vocal organs with soft pedals, or pianissimo
+stops, I became an unwitting, though not unwilling, listener to their
+conversation. It was amusing, clean, and bristling with good-fellowship,
+though not wholly Chesterfieldian in character. Finally the Sherlock
+Holmes man, turning to the stout little chap, who was sitting next to
+the car window, observed:
+
+"Well, old man, you're lookin' a heap better than ya did the last time I
+saw ya."
+
+"Yes," said the stout little man, "I'm feeling better. I've been on a
+diet for the past six months."
+
+And here the stalwart young blond Samson playfully interposed. "Well, it
+was about time, ya big, fat stuff!" he said. "Ya had a stummick on ya
+big enough for sixteen men." Whereupon he proceeded to jam the little
+man's derby hat down over his eyes.
+
+Ordinarily this would be regarded as a rather commonplace, unenlightened
+conversation; but its application to my point came the following
+morning, when, having several hours to spare before departing for other
+scenes, I went into the county courthouse to watch the litigation in
+progress there. It was a scene full of interest, and the proceedings
+were conducted on a plane of dignity quite in keeping with the highest
+traditions of the bench, everything going on decently and in order. But
+the interesting and possibly amazing thing about it to me was the sight
+that greeted my eyes in the person of the Sherlock Holmes man of the day
+before, conducting an eloquent argument before the stout little man of
+the train, who was no less a person than--_the Presiding Justice_! And
+the young giant who had called him a big, fat stuff, and jammed his hat
+down over his eyes, was the _court stenographer_!
+
+I had the pleasure of lunching with all three of them later in the day,
+and a finer lot of true-blue American citizens I have not met anywhere
+else, before or since.
+
+If one has any purely physical peculiarity of an obvious nature, he must
+get reconciled to having it used as a hook for his discomfiture, or his
+delectation, according as his own attitude toward the slings and arrows
+of life causes him to take them. In my own case perhaps the most
+conspicuous personal idiosyncrasy I present physically to the eye of the
+casual beholder is an almost abnormal lack of hirsute adornment; always
+a favorite point of attack by facetiously inclined chairmen, by whom I
+have been eloquently likened to the "imperishable Alps" for that I
+lacked "vegetation" on my "summit," to a "heliograph on the Hills of
+Letters," and by one I was called "the legitimate successor of the
+lamented Bill Nye, the Original Billiard Ball on the Pool Tables of
+Modern Humor."
+
+Most of my delectable misadventures in respect to this deficiency have
+naturally occurred in the barber shops of the nation, and it has been
+surprising to me, as an interested student of American humor, to note
+how full of variety are the spontaneous outbursts of the Knights of the
+Razor everywhere upon that seemingly barren topic.
+
+One barber in Wisconsin, to whom I facetiously complained that he
+should not charge me full price for a haircut when there was so little
+to cut, came back immediately with, "Ah, but you see I had to work
+overtime to find it!"
+
+Another in Boston, after shaving me, inquired, "Now how do you want your
+hair brushed?"
+
+"Brush it back like that young man's in the next chair," said I,
+pointing to a Harvard student with a perfect mop of hair, resembling a
+huge yellow chrysanthemum, which the neighboring artist was brushing
+laboriously back from the youthful forehead.
+
+"Humph!" said my friend. "I'll try; but, take it from me, _it'll take a
+blistering long time to brush your hair back_!"
+
+But the readiest bit of repartee that I recall in respect to this
+shortcoming was that of a Philadelphia barber two years ago, who was
+trying to make me presentable for my audience that night in the
+Witherspoon Hall University extension course, where I was to deliver a
+series of lectures on American humorists.
+
+"Now," said he, running his hand over the back of my head after he had
+attended to my other needs, "how do you want your hair fixed?"
+
+"In silence, and without humor," said I. "I am approaching my fiftieth
+year in this world, and since thirty I have been as you see me now. In
+the course of those twenty intervening years I have heard about every
+joke on the subject of baldness that the human mind has been able to
+conceive at least fifty thousand times."
+
+"I guess that's right," said he. "You are pretty bald, ain't you?"
+
+"I am, and I am not at all ashamed of it," I returned. "My baldness has
+been honestly acquired. I have not lost my hair in dissipation, or by
+foolish speculation, but entirely through generosity of spirit. _I have
+given my hair to my children._"
+
+"Gee!" he ejaculated with fervor. "_You must have the divvle of a large
+family!_"
+
+I made use of that incident in my lecture that night as a convincing
+demonstration that whatever had happened to the humor of the
+professional humorist, as a natural gift of the American people that
+branch of humor known as repartee was still running strong.
+
+Intentionally or otherwise, I think the best joke ever perpetrated upon
+me in respect to my lack of capillary attraction occurred at
+Bellingham, in the State of Washington, up near the Vancouver line, back
+in 1906, when I made my first trip to the Pacific Coast. I was the
+victim that season of a particularly distressing window card, got up in
+a great hurry from a most unsatisfactory photograph, and designed to
+arouse interest in my coming. It greeted me with grinning pertinacity
+everywhere I looked.
+
+I am skeptic on the subject of window cards anyhow. I could never
+convince myself that printed cuts are really effective instruments of
+publicity, and I vow with all the fervor of which I am capable that they
+are a nuisance and a trial to what the public call "the talent." I also
+know that in at least one instance they bade fair to work adversely to
+my interests, as was shown in a letter received by me many years ago
+from an unknown correspondent in Kansas City, who addressed me thus:
+
+     MY DEAR SIR,--I inclose herewith a copy of a so-called photograph
+     of yourself published in this morning's Kansas City "Star," and I
+     want to know if you really look like that. The reason I write to
+     inquire is that yesterday was my little boy's birthday, and his
+     grandmother presented him with a copy of one of your books. I
+     haven't had time to read the book myself; but I have taken it away
+     from Willie, and shall keep it pending your reply, _for if you do
+     look like this, you are no fit person to write for children_.
+
+I must confess that a single glance at the muddy reproduction of a long
+discarded photograph convinced me that my naive correspondent was not a
+whit more careful of his parental responsibilities than the situation
+justified. I might readily have passed, if that photograph were
+accurate, for a professional gambler, or a highly probable future
+candidate for the Rogues' Gallery.
+
+But, whether the platform worker is helped or retarded by this
+indiscriminate plastering of public places with his counterfeit
+presentment, committees seem to think it necessary, and we therefore
+provide them with the most pulchritudinous pictorial composition that
+Art, unrestrained by Nature, can produce.
+
+But the one I used in 1906 was a most unflattering affair, and I grew
+heartily sick of it as my tour progressed. At Bellingham it was
+oppressively omnipresent. It seemed as if I had erupted all over the
+place. It greeted me in the railway station when I descended from the
+train. Two of them hung in the hotel office when I entered, and as I
+walked up the street after luncheon I overheard sundry unregenerate
+youths remark, "There he goes!" and "That's him!" and "Oh, look who's
+here!" derisively, until I could almost have wrung every juvenile neck
+in town. On one corner I found it in a laundry window, labeled, "John
+Kendrick Bangs at the Normal School Tonight," and placed immediately
+beneath this was a brown paper placard inscribed in great, red-chalk
+letters with the words, "HELP WANTED." Farther up the street I found it
+in a millinery shop window, pinned beneath a composite creation of
+Bellingham and Paris which was not particularly becoming to my pictorial
+style.
+
+But the climax was reached when I found it in a drug-store window, where
+the window dresser had placed it over another placard, the advertisement
+of a well known patent remedy. My picture covered the whole of the
+patent medicine placard except its essential advertising line at the
+bottom, and as I stood there staring at myself through that plate glass
+window my grinning countenance stared back at me unflinchingly, and
+underneath it was the legend,
+
+    HIRSUTERINE DID THIS AND WE
+          CAN PROVE IT.
+
+In gratitude to the perpetrator of that horrific joke let me say that I
+have used the incident as the opening anecdote in my Salubrity lecture
+ever since, and I really believe it has had as much to do with making me
+_persona grata_ to my audiences as any other feature of my discourse.
+
+[Illustration: "My grinning countenance stared back at me
+unflinchingly."]
+
+A tolerably effective arrow that struck fairly on the bullseye of
+over-self-appreciation came to me out of the dark, of a well intended
+compliment in a prominent New Jersey city several years ago. I had
+lectured before a fairly appreciative audience, seated conspicuously in
+the midst of which was a young man whom I recognized as the very
+courteous and affable room clerk of the hotel at which I was stopping.
+He and his friends formed a nucleus of appreciation which more than
+compensated me for the barbed glances of one or two unwilling auditors
+dragged thither reluctantly, probably from more alluring indulgences in
+bridge or draw poker at their clubs. Both my heart and head expanded
+under the influence of their continuous enthusiasm, and my emotions of
+satisfaction were intensified when on my walk back to the hotel I heard
+the friendly room clerk, stalking just ahead of me, exclaiming
+enthusiastically:
+
+"Didn't I tell you he'd be good? By George! I read one of his books
+once, and I've wanted to see him ever since."
+
+It was all very nice, and I hugged the pleasant intimations of his
+remark to my breast all through my dreams that night. But the morning
+brought disillusionment, and a mighty poignant shaft entered into the
+soul of me. After eating my breakfast I stepped to the hotel desk to pay
+my bill, and was there beamingly greeted by the room clerk.
+
+"Well, Mr. Bangs," said he, with outstretched hand, "that was a fine
+talk you gave us last night, and I enjoyed every minute of it. But I
+knew it would be good."
+
+"Thank you," said I, my chest expanding a bit.
+
+"I've only read one of your books," he went on; "but it gave me a lead
+on you. I don't want to flatter you, but--well, _it was the funniest
+book I ever read_, and I've been wondering if you would write your
+autograph in it for me."
+
+"Surely," said I, not only willing to please him, but quite anxious to
+see which of my books it was that had filled him with such enthusiasm.
+
+"I have it here," said he, taking the volume out of a drawer.
+
+"Good!" said I. "Let's have it."
+
+He handed it to me, and I glanced at it. _It was a copy of Jerome K.
+Jerome's "Three Men in a Boat, not to Mention the Dog!"_
+
+"No flattery at all," said I, my growing conceit falling back to par.
+"I'm glad you like it."
+
+And then for the first and only time in my life I committed forgery. I
+took the book to a writing table near at hand, and inscribed the flyleaf
+with "Appreciatively yours, Jerome K. Jerome." And as I left the hotel
+the last sight that greeted my eyes was my kindly deputy assistant host
+studying that inscription with a look of extreme bewilderment on his
+screwed-up countenance.
+
+Apropos of this incident it is rather curious how frequently my name and
+that of Jerome K. Jerome have been confounded. I have always considered
+it a compliment, and I sincerely hope Jerome himself will not mind it. I
+suppose the identity of our initials J. K. is responsible for it, and
+possibly the fact also that Jerome's "Three Men in a Boat" and my own
+"House-Boat on the Styx" were published at about the same time. One of
+the most amusing incidents based upon this confusion of identity
+occurred in California last spring. I was spending Easter Sunday at that
+remarkable hostelry, the Mission Inn at Riverside, feeling that in some
+way despite of my desserts I had got into heaven, and quite convinced
+that I could stand an eternity of it if the particular atmosphere of
+that wonderful Sunday were typical of life there. The inspiring Easter
+sunrise service on Mount Rubidaux was over, and I was resting
+comfortably in the office when a young woman paused at my side, and
+said,
+
+"You will excuse me for speaking to you, sir, but your face bothers me."
+
+"I am very sorry, Madame," said I, "but it has bothered me too for over
+fifty years."
+
+"Oh, I don't mean that way," she answered quickly. "I mean that I can't
+place it."
+
+"Well," said I, trying to smile, "you really don't have to. It is
+already located."
+
+"But I don't know where I have seen it before," she pleaded.
+
+"Nor do I," said I, "but I think I can reassure you on that point.
+Knowing myself as I do I can assure you that it must have been in a
+perfectly respectable place."
+
+"I wish you would stop fooling," she retorted, a trifle impatiently. "I
+want to know who you are. You see I'm of a rather nervous temperament,
+and when I see a familiar face and cannot remember the name of the
+individual who--er--who goes with it, sometimes it keeps me awake all
+night."
+
+"It would be too bad to have that happen," said I, "and inasmuch as I am
+not at all ashamed of my name I shall be delighted to tell you what it
+is. It is Bangs--John Kendrick Bangs."
+
+"Oh--I know," she cried, her perplexity fading away, "You are the man
+who wrote 'Three Men in a Boat.'"
+
+And the dear lady seemed to be so pleased over the honor of meeting so
+distinguished an author that I really hadn't the heart to undeceive her.
+
+I have always thought of my young friend the room-clerk far more kindly
+than of another New Jersey host whose airy nonchalance in what was to me
+a moment of some seriousness struck me as being almost arctic in its
+frigid non-acceptance of responsibility for untoward conditions. I had
+put up overnight in his jerry-built hostelry, and all had gone well
+until breakfast time. I was seated at table enjoying my frugal repast,
+when without warning from anybody I found myself the sudden recipient of
+a heavy blow on the top of my head, and upon emerging from the rather
+dazed psychological condition in which the blow left me discovered that
+I was covered from head to foot with plaster, and that my poor but
+honest poached egg had become a scrambled one, mixed with the impalpable
+dust of a shattered bit of molding.
+
+A glance heavenward showed whence my trouble had come. A section of the
+ceiling about four feet square had come loose, and had landed upon me.
+I could think of no better way to voice my protest against such an
+intolerable intrusion upon my rights of privacy at mealtimes than by
+giving the hotel manager an object lesson then and there of what was
+going on under his roof. So I rose from the table and walked directly to
+the office just as I was.
+
+"Great Scott!" said my host, as I loomed up before him like a glorified
+ash heap. "What's happened to you?"
+
+"A part of your condemned old ceiling has fallen on me, that's what!" I
+sputtered somewhat wrathfully.
+
+"Oh, that's it, eh?" he replied, with a smiling grace which I hardly
+appreciated at the time. "Well, we don't do that for everybody, Mr.
+Bangs," he added; "_but seeing it's you we won't make any extra
+charge_."
+
+I thanked him for his consideration. "I'd like to buy this hotel," I
+added.
+
+"Well, it's for sale," said he. "Like to run it yourself?"
+
+"No," said I. "I thought it might be some fun to buy a Panama fan and
+blow it down."
+
+[Illustration: "I was the sudden recipient of a blow on top of my
+head."]
+
+With which we parted forever. I have returned to the gentleman's
+bailiwick several times since; but never again have I entered the
+portals of that hostelry, for fear that by the careless dropping of my
+tooth-brush or a cake of soap I might cause the complete collapse of the
+structure, with the possible destruction of innocent lives; though if I
+were assured that in falling it would land only on that landlord's head
+I think I would willingly go out of my way to hire an aeroplane some
+night and drop a pebble upon its roof from a height of three or four
+feet. This is not so vindictive as it seems, either; for it would not
+hurt that landlord over-severely. You could drop a much heavier weight
+than that hotel upon any bit of solid ivory within reach without hurting
+the ivory unduly.
+
+A less sordid, and indeed wholly inspiring, incident along similar lines
+occurred three years ago at Georgetown, Texas, when on a terrific night
+in February, which I shall never forget, I stood for a few minutes face
+to face with what might have proved an appalling tragedy. As I look back
+upon the incident now it seems to me to have been at once the most
+thrilling, and at the same time the most stimulating, moment of my life.
+
+I had arrived at Georgetown early in the afternoon, and simultaneously
+with my coming--and, as some of my critics may intimate, possibly
+because of it--there arrived also one of those dreaded windstorms known
+in that section of the world as a norther. Perhaps the Texans are so
+used to these outbursts of Nature that they take them as all in the
+day's work; but to myself, unused to anything more boreally disturbing
+than an occasional nor'easter on the Maine Coast, it was extremely
+disturbing. I did not dare walk on any of the sidewalks, fearing that
+the loudly rattling signboards of commerce might be precipitated upon
+me. One of the best liked literary friends of my younger days had passed
+from intellectual brilliance of a most promising sort into permanent
+mental darkness through the falling upon his head of a swinging sign in
+New York, and I had come to regard such possibilities with dread.
+
+The Muse and I consequently spent the afternoon indoors in a quivering
+but substantial and well kept hotel, whose courteous landladies neither
+the Muse nor I will ever fail to remember with affectionate esteem. As I
+rode in an omnibus to the lecture hall that night, I rejoiced in the
+heaviness of the vehicle, which otherwise must have been overturned by
+the heavy blasts to which it was subjected.
+
+When I reached the college I found the auditorium on the third floor of
+the main building in almost total darkness, the only light coming from
+an oil lamp standing on a piano at one end of the stage. The wind had
+put the electric lighting apparatus temporarily out of commission; but
+students were at work upon it, and I was assured that all would be well
+if I would defer my lecture for a little while. To this of course I
+consented; for, however pleasing it may be to talk to one person in the
+dark, there is no pleasure in addressing a multitude of people into
+whose eyes one is unable to look.
+
+After fifteen minutes of waiting the electric lights suddenly gleamed
+forth, and I was gratified to see before me an audience of substantial
+size, made up for the most part of students, with a fair proportion of
+the townspeople scattered about here and there. The college was a
+coeducational institution, and the boys and girls were in fair measure
+paired off in congenial fashion.
+
+With the restoration of the light the president of the college stepped
+to the front of the platform and presented me to the audience, after
+which I rose and approached the footlights to begin. But never a word
+was I permitted to speak; for as I started in the howling wind outside
+seemed to re-double in its fury and intensity. There came a sudden loud
+grinding and ripping sound, and a huge part of the roof was lifted
+bodily upward, and then dropped back with a crash. One heavy beam fell
+squarely in one of the aisles without injury to any one, though two
+feet off on either side it would have killed the occupants of the aisle
+seats, and from all parts of the great room big chunks of plaster and
+lathing fell in upon the audience.
+
+There was present every element of a tragedy of fearful proportions; but
+from that assembled multitude of young people came not even a scream,
+and on every side I saw stalwart young Texans of To-day and To-morrow
+rise up from their seats, and _lean over the girls sitting crouched in
+the chairs beside them, taking all the weight and woe of that falling
+ceiling upon their own manly shoulders_! It was a magnificent exhibition
+of readiness of resource, self-control, and unselfish chivalry. Almost
+instantly with the first shock the president of the college, with a
+calmness at which I still marvel, rose from the chair behind me and
+confronted the gathering.
+
+"Now, my young friends," said he, speaking with amazing rapidity, each
+word enunciated as incisively as though spoken with lips of chilled
+steel, "remember--this is one of the emergencies you are supposed to be
+trained to meet. There is no telling how serious this situation is; but
+let us have no panic. Rise and walk out quietly, and without too much
+haste."
+
+The youngsters rose and marched out of the hall in a fashion that would
+have delighted the soul of a martinet among drill masters, down three
+flights of stairs to the campus, silently, and without the slightest
+outward manifestation of the fear that must have been in the hearts of
+every one of them.
+
+There had appeared in one of America's best magazines only a few months
+previously a scathing arraignment of the young American of To-day, in
+which the girls were indicted as being frivolous, lacking in
+self-control, and full of selfishness, and the American boy was held up
+to public scorn as knowing naught of respect for authority, and wholly
+deficient in the quality of chivalry for which the youth of other times
+had been noted. I wished then and I wish now that the good lady who
+spoke so witheringly on that subject could have witnessed what I looked
+upon that night in Texas. I think she would have modified her utterance
+at least, if indeed she would not have changed her point of view
+completely. She would have made her assertions less sweeping, I am
+convinced; for she would have learned from that episode, as I have
+learned from my contact with the youth of this land, not only in Texas
+but elsewhere, that save for a superficial element, fortunately not very
+large, the American youth of to-day, boy or girl, is in the main a
+strong-fibered, self-controlled, unselfish, chivalrous product which
+would be a credit to any nation, anywhere, at any time, past, present,
+or future.
+
+In conclusion let me say that when I returned to Georgetown the
+following season to deliver my undelivered lecture I was introduced to
+practically the same audience as "the man who brought down the house
+without even opening his mouth."
+
+Which shows that not only are youthful chivalry and self-control not
+dead in Texas, but that American humor likewise is in flourishing
+condition in that truly imperial State of our Union.
+
+
+
+
+XV
+
+EMERGENCIES
+
+
+Quick thinking on and off the platform is quite essential to the
+happiness of the man on the road. The sniping fates are always after
+him, in small ways as well as in large, and he must keep himself in a
+state of constant readiness either to dodge their flying shafts, or with
+some suddenly devised shield of resourcefulness to render himself arrow
+proof.
+
+Sometimes the successful warding off of a flying missile sped from the
+bow of some malign goddess of mischance becomes the making of the man,
+as in a case once reported to me by a gentleman in Montana when after my
+lecture at Billings he and I were laughing over the complete capture of
+my audience by a big gray tomcat that had entered the lists against me.
+This privileged creature had leaped into the chair immediately behind
+me, and begun massaging his face in true feline fashion, to the intense
+delight of a most amiable gathering.
+
+I suppose that if I had known what was going on behind me, I should have
+tried to rise to the occasion on the spur of the moment; but not knowing
+it I read on, in blissful unconsciousness of the fact that a series of
+living pictures was flashing across the vision of my audience directly
+to the rear. The only sensation experienced at the time by my innocent
+self was one of supreme pleasure and satisfaction that my audience had
+at last awakened to the beauty of my discourse, and was manifesting in
+most gratifying fashion its appreciation of even the subtlest of my
+points. When at the close of the reading the real truth was revealed to
+me I merely smiled, and never for a moment let on that until the
+chairman spoke of the animal I had not suspected its presence.
+
+"We admired your composure, Mr. Bangs," said the chairman. "A good many
+men would have been rattled by such an intrusion as that; but you went
+right on without a break. In fact, if you don't mind my saying so, you
+were better after the cat than you were before he came."
+
+"Oh, well," said I, "we have to get used to that sort of thing. The
+trained lecturer really ought to be able to go on even if a young
+earthquake were to fall upon him. Do you always try your lecturers on a
+cat?" I added.
+
+"Well, I hadn't thought of it that way," he laughed; "but as a matter of
+fact we most generally do. That cat belongs to our janitor, and he's
+pretty sure to turn up somewhere during the evening. One year we had a
+man out here giving some recitations, and I tell you old Tom helped him
+out considerably. He was rolling along through some funny speech or
+other, when the cat jumped upon the platform, washed his face two or
+three times, scratched his ear for a minute, and then with his eye fixed
+on the audience he walked straight over the electric footlights to the
+other side of the stage and disappeared. The audience roared and the
+recitationist stopped, gazed with mock indignation at the people for a
+second or two, and then addressing me he said, '_Mr. Chairman, I
+understood that this was to be a monologue--not a catalogue_.' Of course
+it brought down the house, and ever since then that man has been about
+the most popular number our lecture course has ever had."
+
+As a standard of emergency repartee I am inclined to think this
+incident sets the high-water mark.
+
+The intrusion of four-footed creatures on the line of vision at lectures
+is unfortunately not rare. Lecturers have no terrors for mice and rats,
+and just as every hall is provided with a janitor, or janitrix, so is
+every caretaker provided with a cat, as a preventive of rodential
+troubles. I have got so used to their presence, however, that I no
+longer bother about them. As long as they leave me alone, and hold their
+tongues, I am content to have them disport themselves as they please, in
+the public eye or out of it. But a dog is another proposition
+altogether.
+
+Personally I like dogs better than I like cats; but for platform
+purposes I prefer the feline to the canine intrusion. One knows pretty
+well in advance what a cat will do; but a dog is a most uncertain
+quantity. The cat's attentions are likely to be general, or, if not,
+centered wholly upon his or her own toilet--washing her face, manicuring
+her ears, pursuing her tail--but the dog too frequently takes a direct
+personal interest in the chief performer of the occasion. And while I
+should never think of attributing critical faculties to any kind of
+dog, they sometimes have a way of expressing what might pass for
+opinions, worthy or unworthy, concerning the work in hand, in no
+uncertain tones.
+
+As evidence of this I recall an afternoon devoted not long since to the
+reading of one of Browning's exceedingly difficult masterpieces, in the
+presence of a number of ladies and one highly intelligent Irish terrier.
+The poem was Browning's "Christmas Eve and Easter Day," full of beauty
+and of inspired thought, but not easy reading, and requiring unusual
+concentration of mind to get out the full measure of its charm. My small
+audience was most appreciative, and as I approached the climacteric I
+was feeling tolerably well satisfied with the results, when this keenly
+critical terrier suddenly rose from his resting place, stationed himself
+deliberately before me, stretched himself until it almost seemed that
+one could hear his bones crack, and sent forth upon the mystery-laden
+atmosphere about as expressive a whining yawn as one might expect from
+the Seven Sleepers themselves, all rolled into one, and too early
+awakened from their slumbers--and there the "climacteric" rests to this
+day.
+
+I never finished the reading, and what had been an hour of highly
+concentrated mysticism reached its sixtieth second in a wild roar of
+hilarious relief.
+
+A less comfortable moment involving a canine intruder occurred at
+Binghamton, New York, back in 1898, when I suffered the double intrusion
+of a secret society initiation going on overhead, which may or may not
+have been made interesting to the initiates by the presence of the
+proverbial goat, and the sudden appearance upon the stage of a huge
+bulldog of terrifying aspect.
+
+Above me was every indication, in sound at least, of a wild creature
+"abounding and abutting" upon the whole length of the superimposed
+floor, accompanied by muffled yells, presumably from the despairing
+throats of brothers elect. But this was as nothing in its effect upon my
+peace of mind to the sudden development of that bulldog in our midst. He
+came in through the open door of the hall, and walked deliberately down
+the center aisle, and thence up the steps to the platform whereon I was
+engaged in the pleasing occupation of "Reading from My Own Works."
+Bright as I had fondly hoped these works would be thought, they
+immediately went dark in the face of that undershot jaw with its
+gleaming white teeth, the drooling lip, and the eager, curious eye on
+each side of the squat nose, fixed intently upon my quaking self.
+Whether I continued to read or merely extemporized I do not now
+recall--in fact, I really never knew--I simply know that I continued to
+make sounds with my vocal organs, one eye on the pages of my book, the
+other glued to the lower jaw of the intruder.
+
+The latter, after satisfying his visual perceptions as to my superficial
+virtues and defects, seemed to find it necessary to satisfy also some
+inward nasal craving to settle certain lingering doubts in his mind as
+to my right to be where he found me, and to that end he proceeded to
+place his squat nose hard up against the calf of my leg, and to sniff
+vigorously.
+
+By what strange mercy it was that I did not kick him, then and there,
+with results that I hesitate even now to dwell upon, I don't know. The
+supremely important facts are that I did not kick him, but droned
+quaveringly on through my work, and soon learned happily from a scarcely
+suppressed snort that he considered me too contemptible for further
+attention. He departed, going out as he had come, through the open
+doorway, and left me again in control of the situation, if not wholly of
+myself. When he had completely faded into the outer darkness I paused
+and said:
+
+"Ladies and Gentlemen, I appreciate deeply your tribute of regard; but
+let me tell you frankly that I prefer flowers, even vegetables, to
+bulldogs. If you have any further four-footed tokens of your esteem in
+store for me, I beg that you will send them by special messenger to my
+office in New York, or by mail to my residence in Yonkers, the address
+of which you may secure from the chairman on your way out of the hall at
+the conclusion of my reading."
+
+The ultimate results of this incident were far from happy. I naturally
+told the story, together with some other amusing details of my visit to
+Binghamton, to friends at my club later, not any more in confidence than
+they are related here, and as good-naturedly as their diverting quality
+rendered appropriate; and the fact that I had done so coming to certain
+Binghamtonian ears, I was placarded in one of the Binghamton papers as
+being "no gentleman," "an ungrateful guest," and so on, _ad lib._, in
+consequence of which Binghamton and I no longer speak as we pass by.
+
+For this I am sincerely sorry, but none the less must rest content. I do
+not think I should care to return there even if I were asked, for fear
+that in pursuance of their system of tribute they might try my courage
+upon the lineal descendant of that goat above stairs, or possibly upon
+some actively inclined bull, playfully unleashed in my vicinity as a
+test of my composure if not of my good manners.
+
+[Illustration: "A craving to settle lingering doubts as to my right to
+be there."]
+
+The minor matter of dress is frequently the cause of emergency calls for
+help from embarrassed lyceumites, and to get out of predicaments in
+which mistakes of packing under the pressure of hurry place us sometimes
+taxes our resources to the uttermost. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle once told
+me of an amusing complication along these lines by which he was
+confronted in a New Jersey community, whither he had gone to dine with
+and address the students of a famous school.
+
+On his arrival at the scene of action Dr. Doyle, as he was then known,
+discovered to his dismay that in the hurried packing of his suitcase he
+had forgotten to put in his evening coat. Everything else was there; but
+his swallowtail was missing. Now Sir Arthur is not only a distinguished
+novelist and story writer, but is a particularly punctilious and
+tactfully courteous gentleman as well; and, having heard stories of
+other Britons coming to this country and attending functions given in
+their honor in tweeds, as if we Americans knew nothing of the niceties
+of dress, was careful always to avoid giving offense himself by similar
+vagaries. So, rather than seem contemptuous of the conventionalities on
+this occasion, the doctor pleaded a headache as his excuse for not
+appearing at dinner, and in the interval of time thus gained transformed
+his blue serge traveling coat into a perfectly good dinner jacket, or
+Tuxedo, as some do call it, with properly rolling lapels, by cutting off
+the buttons and rolling the front of his coat back into a broad lapel
+effect; pressing the resulting garment into stayable shape by putting it
+between the mattresses of his bed, and lying on them for an hour.
+
+I cannot say that I have ever found myself master of any such wonderful
+ingenuity when face to face with a similar predicament; but in Austin,
+Texas, two years ago I suffered from a condition that for the time being
+seemed quite as poignantly distressing.
+
+My trunk had been despatched from San Antonio to Houston, and I was
+"living in my suitcase." With only twenty-five minutes to spare before I
+was due upon the platform, I found myself without shirt studs, and at
+the moment without anything at hand to use as an acceptable substitute.
+A hurried visit to the main street and some of its tributaries divulged
+nothing in the nature of a haberdashery or a jeweler's shop that had not
+been closed for the night.
+
+I was in a terrific quandary; but the Only Muse, always a resourceful
+person, reminded me of Oliver Herford's expedient many years before in
+using in a similar emergency a set of brass-headed manuscript fasteners.
+Fortunately I had with me several bits of manuscript that were held
+together by these useful little contrivances--small pieces of metal with
+shining brass caps, backed by flexible flanges to hold the caps in
+place. These were inserted in the buttonholes of my shirt in most
+satisfactory fashion, and in a few moments as far as externals were
+concerned I presented as goodly an appearance as any man rejoicing in
+the effulgent glory of three lustrously golden studs.
+
+With a sigh of relief I then turned to put on my white waistcoat, only
+to discover, alas! that that too was missing, nor was there any sign
+anywhere of any other kind of vest that could do duty convincingly, or
+even acceptably, with a claw-hammer coat. Again I flew precipitately
+down the stairs, this time to the kindly room clerk in the hotel office.
+I explained my predicament to him in a few well chosen words, ending up
+with:
+
+"Haven't you a white vest you can lend me?"
+
+"Certainly I have," said he, and together we repaired to his room in
+quest of the needed garment. He soon found it, and I returned rejoicing
+to my room, the treasure hugged tightly to my breast; but when I came to
+try it on I discovered, what I had overlooked in the agitation of the
+moment, _that as eight is to thirty-two, so was the room clerk's facade
+to mine_! I could get into the vest; but no compressor ever yet invented
+could so adjust my physical proportions to the garment that it would
+come within four inches of meeting in front.
+
+"What the deuce am I going to do?" I cried, sinking into a chair in
+despair.
+
+"Slit it up the back, and I'll pin it on you," suggested the ever-ready
+Muse.
+
+"But it isn't mine," said I.
+
+"Buy it," said she.
+
+In an instant I had the room clerk on the telephone. "Will you sell me
+that vest?" I asked.
+
+"Why--no," he said. "I don't want to sell it."
+
+"But I need it in my business," I pleaded.
+
+"Well, you've got it, haven't you?"
+
+"Yes, I've got it all right," I replied; "_but I can't get into it
+without putting a yard of extra width in the back_. Come on--be a good
+fellow and sell it to me," I added with all the pathos that I could
+summon.
+
+"No," he answered with a chuckle, "no--I couldn't sell it to you; _but
+I'll give it to you with all the pleasure in the world_!"
+
+In this fashion was the emergency met, and I went out before my audience
+that night on time in improvised raiment pinned on to my person, "a
+thing of shreds and patches," and blazoning as to my shirt-front with
+all the resplendent gilt of three brass tacks, all of which brought
+vividly to my mind the words of Antonio in "The Merchant of Venice":
+
+    O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!
+
+It may seem to the casual observer that such matters as shirt studs and
+white waistcoats are of too slight importance to worry a speaker; but a
+"whole date" was once saved to me by the fact that I wore a high silk
+hat, which caused a kindly livery-stable keeper to drive me eighteen
+miles from a stranded railway train through a blizzard to the town of my
+destination, because he judged from my hat that _I was a member of a
+favorite minstrel troupe that was to perform there the same night_. When
+he discovered that I was only one of "them lecture fellers," for whose
+free tickets he had no use, he was terribly disappointed.
+
+Anyhow, an audience likes a man to be wholly himself, and cares little
+for a speaker who modifies his dress according to his ideas of how they
+wish him to look. A popular and prominent candidate for Governor of New
+York once lost a large number of votes that might have elected him
+because in addressing a gathering of workingmen at an East Side rally,
+the night being insufferably hot, he took off his coat and collar, and
+spoke to them in his shirt sleeves. The men were deeply offended. They
+significantly asked if he would have taken off his coat in the presence
+of a fashionable uptown audience, and would have none of his presumed
+assumption that they were any less worthy of his respect, or careful of
+their own dignity, than his so-called smarter, better-class people.
+
+I have always found the full evening dress and high collar of an effete
+civilization wholly comfortable, and wear them accordingly wherever I
+lecture, whether it be in the rarefied social atmosphere of high
+academic circles, or in a mining camp where there dwell possibly
+rougher, but none the less genuine, human folk. I think that in the
+latter environment indeed it is a positive aid to success to do so; for
+there can be no doubt that reduced to its essentials the evening dress
+of the modern male creature is really a funny thing, and in an evening
+devoted somewhat to humor any element that is in even the least degree
+mirth-provoking does not come amiss.
+
+Perhaps the most overpowering sense of being confronted by an emergency
+came to me again back in 1898 out of an experience that turned out to be
+critical only in my own imaginings. Most of our troubles are, I fancy,
+imaginary--purely psychological, as the modern phrase has it--but while
+they are on they are none the less acute for all that. On the occasion
+of which I write, at a more than feverish moment in our relations with
+Spain and Cuba, I was summoned to lecture at the attractive little port
+of Brunswick, Georgia. It was here, by the way, that I first had the
+pleasure of seeing my name on a hotel bill of fare, which in the
+platform world is the height of fame, just as in the theatrical world it
+is the acme of distinction for a star to see his name pasted on an ash
+barrel, or spread across the hoardings of a ten-acre lot full of tin
+cans and other undesirable bric-a-brac. They had me down on the supper
+bill among the hot breads, somewhat like this:
+
+                 HOT BREAD
+    Tea Biscuit. Corn Muffins. Graham Gems.
+                 Popovers.
+    John Kendrick Bangs, Casino, To-night.
+
+But that was not the Emergent Moment of which I would speak. This came
+later, at the conclusion of my lecture, when a young man who in the dim
+light of the street was scarcely perceptible, intercepted me as I left
+the hall.
+
+"Mr. Bangs," said he, "I have come here from Captain Maguffy of the
+_Samuel J. Taylor_, to present his compliments to the skipper of the
+'House-Boat on the Styx.' The captain was detained from your lecture
+to-night, to his very great regret; but he wishes you would drop all
+formality and join him at supper."
+
+Knowing neither Captain Maguffy (the name is a substitute for the real
+one) nor his ambassador, I thanked the latter, saying that while I was
+grateful for his courtesy I was really very tired, had much work ahead
+of me, and begged to be excused.
+
+"The captain never takes no for an answer," persisted the young man. "He
+will be terribly disappointed if you don't come, and as a matter of
+fact, counting surely upon your good fellowship, he has made special
+preparations for you."
+
+Unfortunately--or fortunately, as it later turned out--among other
+serious defects in my education I have never been taught the firmer uses
+of the negative. I have never been able to say no to anybody as if I
+really meant it, and it has involved me in more difficulties than I care
+to record here or elsewhere. In any event, my regrets growing fainter
+and fainter, and Captain Maguffy's ambassador's insistence more and more
+marked, the sum total of some thirty-two negatives soon developed into
+one positive affirmative.
+
+"All right," I said finally, "I'll run in on the captain; but only for a
+moment, just long enough to shake hands, say howdido, and get back to
+bed. I must be in bed by midnight as a matter of principle."
+
+The ambassador thereupon assisted me into one of those indescribable
+one-horse "shays" that seem to sprout in the vicinity of Southern
+railway stations and hotels about as lushly as mint in the patches of
+the Carolinas. I used to think when I was a resident of Yonkers that the
+Hudson River Valley was a sort of hack heaven, whither all sorts of
+deceased vehicles went when they died; but several tours of the South
+since have convinced me that that idea was mere presumption on my part.
+The South, as well as the Hudson River Valley, fairly burgeons with
+vehicular antiques that would delight the soul of an archaeologist
+anxious to find the connecting link between the carriages of the Caesars
+and those of Andrew Jackson and his successors up to the merry days of
+Hayes.
+
+The particular rattledy-bang old combination of wabbling wheels and
+hair-erupting cushions into which I was ushered was drawn by a white
+horse, and driven by a colored man. The horse was so very white that it
+could hardly be seen on the white coquina roads, and the negro was so
+black that he was equally imperceptible against the background of the
+night; so that I seemed to be floating through the night enjoying
+sensations similar to those of a man on his first journey in an
+aeroplane. The whole effect was eery in the extreme, especially as we
+drove and drove and drove, and floated and floated and floated, without
+apparently getting anywhere.
+
+Then, of a sudden, I became terribly uneasy. The thought flashed through
+my mind, "Why, here you are, all alone, after ten o'clock at night, in
+a strange country, going to see a man you never heard of before, in
+company of an individual whose name you haven't asked, and whose face
+you have seen only dimly in the dark! You are known to have several
+hundred dollars in your pocket, and nobody under Heaven but yourself and
+your companion knows where you are, or in what kind of company." It
+really seemed time for a diplomatic "hedge."
+
+"Where is Captain Maguffy's house?" I inquired as a starter, after we
+had driven for an overlong time.
+
+"Newark, New Jersey," was the consoling reply, but soberly made.
+
+"Well--I don't feel equal to a drive that far," I said dryly. "I
+supposed when I accepted this invitation that your captain was living
+around the corner somewhere."
+
+"No," said my companion. "_He's aboard his boat--the Samuel J. Taylor._"
+
+"His boat?" I cried. "Oh, come now, my friend--if I'd known that--well,
+really, I think we'd better turn back."
+
+"Not now," said he. "We're almost there."
+
+"But why doesn't the captain keep his boat closer to civilization?" I
+queried. "Isn't there room for him closer to town?"
+
+"Yes, there's plenty of room closer to town," replied my strange
+acquaintance, "but the captain prefers to be closer to the sea in case
+he needs to make a quick get-away. He and the government aren't on the
+best of terms. Between you and me, he's _doing a little stunt in
+filibustering_, and the folks up at Washington are getting suspicious."
+
+My heart sank into my boots and then rebounded to my throat. "You should
+have told me all this before we started," said I.
+
+"Well, I should have," said he; "but--well, I was afraid if I did you
+wouldn't come, and the captain told me not to come back without you.
+What he says goes with me."
+
+I could think of only one word. The simple term _kidnapped_ flashed
+across my mind, and then the pleasing little phrase, so nice for a
+headline, _Held for Ransom_, burned itself into my nerve. The beating of
+my heart sounded like the muffled tread of that invisible steed ahead on
+the coquina road. I glanced out of the chaise to see what my chances of
+escape might be in case I made a break for liberty, and saw off to the
+right of me the lines of a rotting pierhead, and the towering masts of a
+huge schooner that was moored to its decaying piling. At the inner end
+of the pier was a white-washed shed. Everything in sight except the
+driver, the chaise, and my future looked white--a ghastly, ghostly white
+that made me think of all the tales of horrid spooks I had ever heard.
+Here the carriage came to a sudden halt, and a tall black figure loomed
+up from behind the shed.
+
+"_Did you get him?_" came a deep bass voice out of the night.
+
+"You betcha!" was the reply from my companion.
+
+I descended from the carriage, and my conductor led the way along the
+rotting stringpiece of the pier, a little more than a foot wide, the
+chill waters of St. Simon's Sound lapping about six feet below on each
+side, and the dark figure from behind the shed immediately to the rear.
+I was completely a captive. A moment later we came to a narrow gangplank
+leading to the broad, holy-stoned deck of the schooner, in the fore part
+of which was an open hatchway, out of which there streamed a steady
+shaft of yellow light.
+
+"Down this way, please," said my companion as we reached the hatchway.
+
+Tremulously I followed him down the steps, and in a moment found
+myself--in the prettiest, daintiest, little, white and gold parlor one
+could have hoped to find anywhere outside of a mansion designed for a
+Marie Antoinette, or a Madame de Maintenon! Everywhere was gold and
+white--chairs, walls, table--and set in the panels of the walls (built
+in) were a half-dozen exquisite little water-color paintings, all in
+most perfect keeping with the general color scheme of the room; and on
+each side of a door leading to an adjoining apartment, impassive as two
+bits of sculpture, stood two negroes of gigantic size, not an inch under
+six feet in height--two veritable genii out of the pages of the Arabian
+Nights, but clad in blue flannel coats with brass buttons, white duck
+trousers, and glazed white hats with black vizors.
+
+It was really a wonderful picture; but I had hardly had time to take it
+in when from behind me again the bass voice of the figure behind the
+shed broke upon my hearing.
+
+"Welcome, O Skipper of the Stygian House Boat, to the _Samuel J.
+Taylor_!" it said, and quickly turning I found myself gazing into the
+dark, flashing eyes of my host. If the white and gold cabin had amazed
+me, the captain completely took my breath away. He looked as if he had
+just come in from a five o'clock tea on Fifth avenue--frock coat, dark
+gray trousers, all of perfect fit, white waistcoat, lavender tie with an
+exquisite pearl pin stuck carelessly into its soft folds, and in his
+hand the very latest thing in imported high silk hats! He was the beau
+ideal of your conventional gentleman of society. As I have said, I was
+breathless, and consequently speechless, for a moment; but I did manage
+at the end of a few seconds to blurt out:
+
+"Am I--am I awake, Captain?"
+
+"Well--if you're not, we've plenty of room and time for you to sleep it
+out," he replied.
+
+"But this cabin--this saloon--these--these water colors!" I went on.
+
+"A little fancy of my wife's," said mine host. "She fitted it all up
+herself. The water colors, by the way, are all her own work. Rather
+nice, I think. She was a pupil of a fellow Centurion of yours, Mr.
+----." Here he mentioned one of our famous artists, a member of my club,
+and a painter of rare distinction.
+
+My desire to get away had become less keen; but I deemed it wise
+nevertheless to make the effort. I still needed some reassurance as to
+my safety.
+
+"Well, Captain," said I, "it has been a pleasure to meet you, and I hate
+to run; but I have had a hard day of it, and I'm very tired. I have come
+just to shake hands with you and say howdido, before turning in for the
+night."
+
+"Oh, you mustn't go until you have broken bread with me," said he.
+
+"I told him he could be in bed by twelve if he wanted to," interposed my
+conductor.
+
+"All right," said the captain. "We'll live up to your promise. You may
+serve the supper at once," he added, turning to the two genii at the
+door, who had not stirred a muscle through the whole conversation.
+
+Then began the service of a supper in which for the first time I tasted
+the joys of alligator pears, the sweets of real grapefruit made into
+salad, the full possibilities of Moro crabs a la Newburg, alongside of
+which even my beloved Maine lobsters are dull and dreary reptiles, and
+of many other delightful edibles as well, with my choice of a liquid
+refreshment as if from the cellar of a Lucullus--and through it all the
+captain talked.
+
+He told me of his interest in the Cuban struggle for independence; how
+he had gone first to Havana as correspondent for an American newspaper
+with a decided leaning toward Spanish interests; how he had resigned
+rather than write the kind of material his chiefs demanded.
+
+He told me then how he had at last decided to help the Cuban cause with
+arms, and with what money he had; how he had chartered this lumber
+schooner and gone ostensibly into the lumber business to cover his real
+activities; and how every time he set out from Brunswick laden with
+lumber consigned to some other port he always took time to run over to
+Cuban waters, and carry weapons and ammunition to the insurgents.
+
+"And what has Uncle Sam had to say to all these activities?" I asked.
+
+"He's getting a little suspicious," laughed the captain. "Once I thought
+he'd got me, too. I had a thousand rifles and ten thousand rounds of
+ammunition in hand for the boys, the other day and while I was being
+towed out to sea by a tug the _Vesuvius_, which had been watching me for
+several days, fired a shot across my bows and stopped me. They sent a
+search party aboard--and I tell you, sir, they were a mighty thorough
+lot! There wasn't a nook or cranny of the _Samuel J. Taylor_ those
+fellows didn't turn inside out. Not an inch from topmast to keel escaped
+the official eye; but they found nothing, and I was allowed to go on."
+
+"But how," said I, "did you manage to conceal the stuff?"
+
+"Oh, that was simple," laughed the captain. "They went through the
+_Samuel J. Taylor_ with a fine-tooth comb; _but they forgot to search
+the tug_. We transferred the guns later, and forty-eight hours afterward
+they were in the hands of the Cubans."
+
+It was five o'clock in the morning when Captain Maguffy delivered me at
+my hotel.
+
+"Good-by, Captain," said I. "For a few moments I was afraid you were
+going to kidnap me--and now, by George! _my only regret is that you
+didn't_!"
+
+He laughed heartily. "Well," he said, "if you really mean that, come
+back on board. _I think it can be arranged._"
+
+But freedom was too sweet, and besides I had to make my living; so I
+reluctantly bade the captain good morning, and have thought of him
+affectionately ever since.
+
+
+
+
+XVI
+
+A PIONEER MANAGER
+
+
+No record made by a grateful pen of the joys and trials of the lecture
+platform could be complete without some reference to the spiritual
+benefits made possible by the profession of "Gad and Gab," as Mr.
+Strickland Gillilan, the astute author of "Off Ag'in, On Ag'in,
+Finnigin," himself a happy worker in the vineyard of peripatetic
+eloquence, calls it, in the matter of friendships. Both as a producer
+and as a consumer of the platform product I have been the beneficiary of
+many friendships and acquaintances that I now hold among the cherished
+memories of my professional life. As I think of them now they rush in
+upon me with such tidal force that I find myself unable for lack of
+space to treat of them in this volume, and they must be left for other
+pages. And yet in the light of grateful reasoning it becomes clear that
+I should not close this portion of my story without some reference to
+one splendid soul, to whom primarily I owe all the happiness in this
+line of human effort that it has been my privilege and my blessing to
+enjoy, James B. Pond--the good old major, who during his long and busy
+career as an organizer and manager was guide, mentor, and friend, always
+faithful, always true, to the Man on the Platform. He was a big man in
+every way, physically as well as spiritually. The only misfit about him,
+if there were any, perhaps was in the size of his heart, which was, I
+suspect, too large even for his gigantic frame. If any man was ever born
+to be a pioneer in any kind of human endeavor requiring tenacity of
+purpose, scrupulous integrity, courage in the face of trial, tolerance
+of the shortcomings of others, and a dogged insistence upon "quality,"
+that man was Major Pond, and he looked it.
+
+If I were a painter, and wanted a model for one of those sturdy
+Americans who were not afraid of anything, and went out into the wilds
+of a new and dangerous country with all the zest of a boy on the trail
+of a fox, to hew by main strength a way that civilization might follow
+in his train, I should seek no further than that huge, strengthful
+figure, massive, graceful even in its ungainliness, surmounted by the
+frank, vigorous, hewn face that from its deep-set eyes flashed
+determination and kindliness always. Somehow or other Major Pond always
+made me think of the days of Forty-nine, and when he first dawned, or I
+should perhaps better say loomed, on the horizon of my life, I began
+first to sense the smallness of a mere library as a world in which to
+live, and to think of those vast, remoter stretches where men did not
+read and write romances, but lived them.
+
+My first contact with Major Pond was as a consumer of the things he had
+to sell, and I came soon to learn that the stamp of his approval was the
+hallmark of excellence. The major's imprint upon a circular was enough
+for me, and in several years of our relation as buyer and seller he
+never failed me; and the merest cursory glance at the list of men and
+women for whom he stood sponsor in the lyceum field shows why. It was a
+marvelous galaxy of humans, many of them now passed imperishably into
+the pages of history, for whom the major did yeoman service in this
+country, beginning with Wendell Phillips, Charles Sumner, and Henry Ward
+Beecher, and ending with Matthew Arnold, Henry M. Stanley, Julia Ward
+Howe and that Prince among men, the never-to-be-forgotten John Watson,
+dear to the hearts of readers everywhere as Ian Maclaren.
+
+The service of the manager of the Major Pond type was not a mere
+perfunctory business service only, but was of a more or less intimate
+personal nature as well. The major was not content to make a booking for
+a celebrity at some distant, well nigh inaccessible point, and then
+shoot him out into the dark unknown to take care of himself, and get
+along as best he might. On the contrary, he went along himself when he
+could, and what hardships were to be faced he shared, and those that
+might be staved off by a little kindly care and foresight he shielded
+his people from. It was thus that he built up not only the most notable
+list of lecturers the world has yet known, but at the same time
+surrounded himself with a circle of gallant friends, who came to think
+of him with rare affection.
+
+This intimate personal contact with men of unusual distinction gave him
+a fund of reminiscence that was a never-failing source of delight to his
+friends. To Mr. Gladstone, Pond's stories were so tremendously
+appealing that during one of the major's visits to London the great
+British statesman requested permission to have a stenographer take them
+down just as they fell from the lips of the picturesque old American.
+Concerning Henry Ward Beecher and Mark Twain the major could talk
+forever, and the little sidelights his fund of anecdote concerning them
+cast upon the personality of these two men were invariably appealing.
+
+Worn by the nervous strain of a hard bit of lecturing before the major's
+own friends and neighbors one night many years ago, I was privileged to
+sit and gather refreshment and peace of mind in the joy of one of the
+major's reminiscent monologues lasting well into the early hours of the
+morning, with which he regaled me upon my return to his hospitable
+house. I was unhappily conscious of not having done my work particularly
+well that night--in fact I had had to lecture from a manuscript, which
+is always fatiguing both to speaker and to audience, and I hardly dared
+ask the major what he thought of my performance--but after awhile in his
+fatherly way he broached the subject himself.
+
+"It was a good lecture, Bangs," he said, "and some day, maybe, _you
+will find time to make it shorter_."
+
+"What is a good lecture, Major, anyhow?" I asked, hoping that from such
+an authority as he must by now have become I should get some clue to a
+possible short cut, if not to success, at least away from failure.
+
+He threw himself back in his chair and laughed. "That reminds me,
+Bangs," said he. "Maybe you'd like to know what Horace Greeley
+considered a good lecture--at any rate it is the only answer to your
+question that I know. Greeley and Henry Ward Beecher and I were on our
+way to Boston once, and as we passed through Bridgeport, Connecticut,
+Greeley, glancing out of the car window, said, 'Hello, here's
+Bridgeport, the home of P. T. Barnum! Nice town, Beecher. I gave a
+successful lecture here once.'
+
+"'What do you call a successful lecture, Greeley?' asked Mr. Beecher.
+
+"'Why,' said Greeley, '_a successful lecture is where more people stay
+in than go out_.'"
+
+As for the major's relations with Mark Twain, there was always so much
+of the spirit of pranksome boyhood in them both that their days
+together, when Clemens was so bravely working to clear off the
+indebtedness of the publishing house that he had unnecessarily but
+chivalrously assumed as his own, must have been something of a romp,
+despite the unquestioned hardships of such persistent travel.
+
+As a specimen of the playful spirit in which the two men went at their
+work I recall a story told me that night by the major of how in a far
+western State, owing to a delayed train, they were kept waiting on a
+railway station platform for several hours.
+
+"Look here, Pond!" said Clemens after much dreary waiting. "You may not
+know it, but this is a violation of our contract. You agreed to keep me
+traveling, and this ain't traveling: it's just nothing but pure, cussed
+condemned loafing!"
+
+"All right, Mark," said the major. "Just a second and I'll fix you out."
+
+The major walked up to the end of the platform, where there was an empty
+baggage truck standing in front of the baggage room door. This he pushed
+along to where Clemens was standing, and then picking the humorist up in
+his arms he put him on board the truck and wheeled him up and down the
+platform, to the astonishment of the gathered natives, until the train
+came in, thus filling his contract to the letter, as was his invariable
+custom.
+
+Nor shall I ever forget the major's delightful characterization of the
+platform work of Matthew Arnold.
+
+"Arnold spoke from a manuscript," said he. "It was a printed affair,
+done in large letters on ordinary cap paper, and bound up in a
+portfolio. This he insisted on having on an easel at his right hand.
+After bowing to his audience he would fasten his eyes on the manuscript
+and then turn and recite a sentence from it to the people in front. Then
+he would go back to the manuscript again, corral another sentence, and
+recite that. _And so it went to the end of the show--and all in a voice
+that nobody could hear!_"
+
+The major paused a moment, and chuckled.
+
+"General and Mrs. Grant attended the first Arnold lecture at Chickering
+Hall," he said. "The place was packed; but I got them seats, well back,
+but the best there were. After Arnold's lips had been moving without a
+sign of a word that anybody could hear for ten or fifteen minutes the
+General turned to Mrs. Grant and said, 'Well, my dear, we've _seen_ the
+British Lion at least; but inasmuch as we cannot hear him roar I guess
+we'd better go home!' Grant was known as the silent man," continued the
+major; "but Arnold gave him a pointer on how a man could be silent and
+talking at the same time."
+
+The major was a great believer in the value of Author's Readings by what
+he used to call "running mates,"--teams, as the vaudevillains have it.
+He had had great success with such combinations as Mark Twain and George
+W. Cable, Thomas Nelson Page and F. Hopkinson Smith, and Bill Nye and
+James Whitcomb Riley. Trotting in double harness had proved in these
+cases most profitable for everybody concerned, and the major was
+constantly in search of new alliances. How his ordinarily sane judgment
+ever came to be warped to such point that he could think of me in such a
+connection I cannot even pretend to surmise; but it did happen that in
+the mid-nineties of the last century he began singing a siren song in my
+ears, to which in an hour of greed and weakness I yielded, the burden of
+whose refrain was that R. K. Munkittrick of Puck, a man with a rare
+gift of buoyant humor, and I could make a fortune for everybody if we
+would only consent to "trot" together.
+
+I had no particular illusions as to my abilities; but the fact that
+Major Pond believed I could do it was enough for me. If the Gaekwar of
+Baroda should ever assure me that a cracked bit of Pittsburg plate glass
+was a diamond of fairest ray serene, I should be inclined to think there
+was something in it so long as he wasn't trying to sell it to me, and so
+when Major Pond was willing to stake his professional reputation on it
+that Munkittrick and I would make a highly acceptable platform
+constellation it was not for me to refuse to twinkle.
+
+I shall never forget the experience. The horrors of it were such that
+the Day of Judgment itself have possessed small terrors for me since. We
+were tried out at Albany, New York, before an audience of sixty people,
+in an auditorium capable of seating three thousand. Everything seemed to
+go wrong, and on our way up to Albany Munkittrick managed to catch a
+cold which left him terribly hoarse upon our arrival at the old Delavan
+House in New York's capital city. To overcome this hoarseness
+Munkittrick bought a box of troches of a well known brand, but instead
+of taking one or two of them he devoured the whole box in about twenty
+minutes, as if they had been gumdrops or marshmallows, with the result
+that his tongue began to swell up, and by eight o'clock when we were due
+on the platform that essential factor of clarity of enunciation was "too
+big for the job," if I may so put it, occupying not less than
+seven-eighths of the available space inside of Munkittrick's mouth, all
+of which, combined with the natural nervousness of a debut, put us quite
+out of commission.
+
+As a matter of fact we should never have gone out upon the platform; but
+we did, and while the chairman was announcing to the scattered multitude
+in front that we were the greatest combination of wit, eloquence, and
+humor the world had ever known, not even excepting Nye and Riley, who
+had so often delighted Albany audiences in the past, Munkittrick and I
+sat there quivering with fear, not even daring to look at each other. I
+do not believe that even the Babes in the Wood themselves looked upon
+their prospects with greater dread. It was an awful evening; so awful
+that before it was over a frivolous reaction set in which I truly think
+was the only thing that enabled us to push it through to the bitter end.
+
+Of course it was a failure. We knew that almost before we began; but it
+was borne in upon us at the end by the fact that the chairman, who had
+invited us to join him in a little supper afterward to meet a few of his
+friends, vanished as if the earth had opened up and swallowed him, and
+not a crumb of his supper or the hem of his garment did either of us
+ever see again. Fortunately we had been paid in cash before we went out
+upon the stage. If it had not been so, or had we been paid by a check on
+which payment could have been stopped, I doubt if either of us would
+have realized a penny on the transaction. Moreover, I did not venture to
+call upon the major for at least a week, and even then my meeting with
+him was merely casual. I bumped against him on the street in front of
+his office in the Everett House.
+
+"Hello, Bangs!" said he. "Have a good time at Albany?"
+
+"Fine!" said I. "The town is full of charming people."
+
+"Well--I'm _glad somebody enjoyed it_," said the major.
+
+"Any more bookings?" said I.
+
+"No," said the major, with a far-away look in his eye. "Fact is, old
+man, times are sort o' hard, and after thinking the matter over I've
+decided that I guess we'd better put off our drive for new business
+until--well, _until some other season_."
+
+And that was all the chiding I received from that kindly soul!
+
+Several years elapsed before I resumed professional relations with Major
+Pond, and the incident that brought about that resumption has always
+seemed to me to be most amusing, and to bring out in vivid colors the
+quality of the major's temper. Indeed it was about as illuminating a
+little farce-comedy as one would care to see.
+
+It happened that somewhere about the beginning of this century I was
+invited to prepare for a New York newspaper syndicate a series of
+satirical biographies of prominent personages of the day. The series was
+called "Who's What and Why in America." I was doing a great deal of
+other work at the time, and the managers of the syndicate fell in
+readily with my expressed view that lest my name should seem to appear
+too frequently, and in too many competing quarters, it would be best
+that for this venture I should use a pseudonym. I therefore did the work
+over the pen name of Wilberforce Jenkins. The series was very well
+received, and for over a year was one of the most popular syndicate
+features running, as a result of which Wilberforce Jenkins began to
+receive a great many letters from a great many people--so many as almost
+to make me personally jealous of his growing fame. Among other
+communications received was one from Major Pond, which ran somewhat like
+this:
+
+                                             New York, March 12, 1901.
+     WILBERFORCE JENKINS, Esq.
+
+     Dear Sir.--I have been reading with a great deal of interest your
+     sparkling biographies of the Men of To-day in the New York "Blank."
+     I don't want to flatter you, but you have more real humor in your
+     thumb than all the rest of the funny men of the day rolled into one
+     have in their million and a half fingers. Have you ever considered
+     the desirability of using your gifts on the lecture platform? If
+     you have, let me know. If you can talk half as well as you write,
+     you will be a winner. Come and see me some day and talk it over. I
+     think we can do business together.
+
+                               Very truly yours,      JAMES B. POND.
+
+The situation was too rich to neglect, and I resolved to have a little
+innocent fun with the major. I repaired almost immediately to the
+telephone and rang him up. The connection made, I inquired:
+
+"Is this Major Pond?"
+
+"Yes," was the reply. "Who are you?"
+
+"Major J. B. Pond of the Pond Lyceum Bureau?" I continued.
+
+"Yes, I'm Major Pond. Who's this talking?" he answered.
+
+"I am Wilberforce Jenkins, the Who's What and Why man, Major," said I.
+
+"Well--say, old man," said he, with a pleasant touch of enthusiasm in
+his voice, "I'm mighty glad to hear from you. That's A-1 stuff you are
+running in the _Blank_. Did you get my letter?"
+
+"Yes," said I. "That's why I am ringing you up."
+
+"Good!" said he. "Ready to talk turkey, are you?"
+
+"Well--I don't know about that, Major," said I hesitatingly. "Of course
+I know who you are, and the kind of things you do; but--well, to be
+quite frank with you, I don't know whether I want to do business with
+you or not."
+
+"Oh!" said the major. "That's it, is it? Well--what seems to be the
+matter?"
+
+"Oh, nothing much," said I. "Only I was talking with a man about you the
+other day, and from one or two things he said--"
+
+"What did he say?" the major blurted out.
+
+"Well, to begin with, he said you were an old palaverer," said I. "He
+intimated that there was a good deal of what you might call hatwork in
+the quality of your conversation. He said he'd done business with you
+once, and while he liked you personally you were not all you seemed to
+think you were as an impresario."
+
+"Who the deuce ever told you that?" demanded the major. "You say he did
+business with me once?"
+
+"So he said," said I. "And he was pretty outspoken about it too. He told
+me his tour with you was a rank failure."
+
+"I'd like to know his name," said the major, and I could almost hear the
+dear old gentleman biting into the wire.
+
+"Well, I guess he wouldn't mind my telling," said I. "There wasn't
+anything particularly confidential about our talk. His name is
+Bangs--John Kendrick Bangs."
+
+My name came back at me over the wire like an explosion of dynamite.
+"_Bangs_!" retorted the major. "Good Lord--_Bangs_! Does he call a trip
+up to Albany and back a tour? _I guess he was a failure!_ I can tell you
+things about Bangs as a platform performer that'll show you mighty quick
+whose failure it was, and if you want to bring him along to hear what I
+have to say on that subject, _bring him_. The idea! My Heavens, old
+man--why, he--"
+
+"Oh, never mind all that, Major," said I. "I'm only telling you what he
+said. I don't have to take it all as gospel truth, you know."
+
+"Well I guess not!" snorted the major.
+
+"Now I'm very busy these days," I continued, "and I really haven't got
+time to go to your office; but if you will take lunch with me to-morrow
+at the Century Club, about one o'clock, we can talk this thing over."
+
+"I'll be there," said the major. "One o'clock sharp, and meanwhile if
+you run across J. K. tell him with my compliments that he can go to
+thunder. _Tour!_ I like that!"
+
+"All right, Major," said I. "Don't fail me."
+
+And there our telephone conversation closed. The following morning I
+arranged at the club to have the major ushered into the reception room
+in case he called and asked for Wilberforce Jenkins, and as the hour
+approached I lingered around to see the fun.
+
+Faithful to the minute the major arrived at one o'clock, inquired for
+Mr. Jenkins, and was requested to wait in the reception room, since Mr.
+Jenkins had not yet come in. After he had been sitting there for about
+five minutes I decided that the time for action had arrived; so I walked
+into the reception room myself.
+
+"Why--hello, Major!" said I, as cordially as I really felt. "How are you
+these days?"
+
+"I'm all right," he said coldly, ignoring my outstretched hand.
+
+"What are you doing here?" I asked.
+
+"I don't know that that's any of your business, Bangs," said he,
+bridling up; "but I don't mind telling you that I've come to meet a man
+who when it comes to writing real humor has got you skinned eight
+billion miles."
+
+"Good!" said I. "Who is this eighth wonder of the world?"
+
+"His name," said Major Pond, "is Wilberforce Jenkins."
+
+"Oh, Lord!" said I. "That faker? Well, I am at least glad to know what
+your standards of humor are."
+
+"_Faker?_" retorted the major. "You seem to have some gift for saying
+nice things about your friends, Bangs," he added witheringly.
+
+"Friends?" said I, with a laugh of scorn. "You don't call that idiot
+Wilberforce Jenkins a friend of mine, do you? You must think I let
+myself go pretty cheap."
+
+"Well, he seemed to think you were a friend of his--at least he told me
+so--but of course a man may be mistaken in respect to that," he observed
+significantly.
+
+"Well, don't you believe a word he says, Major," said I. "I know
+Wilberforce Jenkins all the way through, and he and truth aren't upon
+speaking terms. You say he has invited you here to meet him?"
+
+"To take lunch with him," said the major.
+
+"Well of all the pure unmitigated _nerve_!" said I. "That shows you what
+sort of fellow Jenkins is. Why, Major, _he isn't even a member here_! He
+has a ten-day card from me; but that doesn't entitle him to invite you
+or anybody else here. You'd better come upstairs and have lunch with
+me."
+
+"I'll starve first!" said the major.
+
+"Oh, all right," said I. "If you won't, you won't; but I'll bet you five
+dollars right now that Wilberforce Jenkins doesn't come!"
+
+"I don't bet," said the major. "I gave up gambling after that _tour_ of
+yours up to Albany and back. It doesn't pay."
+
+I retired to a writing table at one end of the room, and pretended to be
+busy at letter writing for some ten or fifteen minutes, keeping one sly
+eye on the major the while. He was visibly chafing. Now and then he
+would take out his watch, and gaze intently into its telltale face. Then
+he would rise and inspect the pictures on the walls. When half-past one
+came and there was no Wilberforce Jenkins in sight his patience was
+manifestly near its end, and regarding that as the psychological moment
+I again approached him.
+
+"'_He cometh not, she said_,'" I quoted in my most plaintive tones. "And
+what's more, Major, he won't never be here. He never kept a promise or
+an engagement in his life. Come along--change your mind and take lunch
+with me."
+
+"_I wouldn't lunch with you if_--" he began.
+
+And then I burst out laughing. I could not carry the farce a bit
+further. "Major," said I, "the reason why I know all about this
+Wilberforce Jenkins and his general unreliability is very simple--_I am
+Wilberforce Jenkins myself_."
+
+The old gentleman gasped. His face was a study for a moment, and then
+with a great laugh he sprang to his feet, and seized me by the arm.
+"Here, Bangs," he said, "get your hat and come along with me! We'll eat
+at Delmonico's."
+
+"But you said just now you wouldn't take lunch with me," I protested.
+
+"Yes, but by Simeon," he retorted, "_I never said that you wouldn't take
+lunch with me_, and by the Eternal _you'll come or I'll carry you_!"
+
+And the only hatchet that ever threatened our friendship was buried on
+the instant.
+
+Major Pond was indeed a rare and a loyal spirit. He always credited
+James Redpath with being the Father of the Modern Lyceum, and perhaps he
+was right. The Modern Lyceum owes much to James Redpath; but as for me I
+prefer to award its paternal honors to Major Pond. His interest in it,
+and his affectionate attitude toward those he helped along its
+sometimes rugged path, were too strictly fatherly to warrant any lesser
+title at the hands of one of its most grateful sons.
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+Various punctuation errors have been corrected without comment.
+
+
+
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