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diff --git a/35975-8.txt b/35975-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..431ecb6 --- /dev/null +++ b/35975-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9801 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Book of Etiquette, by Lillian Eichler + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Book of Etiquette + Volume I + +Author: Lillian Eichler + +Release Date: April 27, 2011 [EBook #35975] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOOK OF ETIQUETTE *** + + + + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +[Illustration: © Brown Bros. + +ON HER WEDDING DAY + +The greatest charm of the bride's costume lies in its simplicity] + + + +BOOK OF ETIQUETTE + + +BY + +LILLIAN EICHLER + + +VOLUME I + +ILLUSTRATED + + +NELSON DOUBLEDAY, INC. +GARDEN CITY NEW YORK +1924 + +COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY +NELSON DOUBLEDAY, INC. + +ALL RIGHTS RESERVED + +PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES + + + + +PREFACE + + +Success without culture is like old-fashioned strawberry short cake +without the whipped cream. It has no flavor. + +There are certain little courteous observances, certain social +formalities that bespeak the true lady, the true gentlemen. Some of us +call it good form. Some of us call it culture. Some of us call it +etiquette. But we all admit that it makes the world a better place to +live in. + +In Italy, young men and women are considered _ben educato_, not when +they can read and write, but when they know the established forms of +convention--when they can show by a correct dignity and ease of manner +that they are perfect in their knowledge of the rules of good society. +And, after all, don't you yourself judge people by what they do, and +say, and wear? Don't you read in their manner and appearance the secret +of their inner worth? Isn't character and disposition revealed in the +outer personality? + +Perhaps you have heard the story of the "gentleman" who prided himself +on being perfect in the art of etiquette. On one occasion, he passed a +lake and heard a drowning man call for help. Quickly he threw off his +coat and was about to plunge into the water, when he suddenly +remembered that he had never been introduced to the struggling victim. +Putting on his coat again, he proceeded on his way quite +self-satisfied. + +This is an instance where common-sense would have been the better part +of etiquette. Too rigid an observance of the laws of good society makes +them nothing short of an absurdity. The purpose of correct manners is +not to enable us to strut about in society and command the admiring +glances of the people around us--as the peacock, in its vanity, parades +before onlookers in a proud dignity that is quite obviously assumed. +The true service of etiquette is so to strengthen and simplify the +social life that we are able to do what is absolutely correct and right +without even stopping to think about it. + +That, then, is the purpose of THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE--to give to the +reader so clear and definite an understanding of the social life that +he will be able to have at all times, under all conditions, that +unaffected grace and charm of manner that the French like to call +_savoir faire_. It has been written, not for the exceedingly +ill-bred or for the highly polished, but for those who find a certain +sense of satisfaction in doing what is correct--sincere men and women +who, in the performance of their business and social duties, find that +there is a constant need for cordial and gracious relationship with +those around them. + +If the following chapters awaken in the reader the desire for closer +companionship with the vast world of human nature, of which we are all +a part; if it takes from his nature all that is coarse, awkward and +unrefined, substituting instead a gallantry of spirit and a gentleness +of breeding; if it makes him a more loving and a more lovable +person--then THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE will have served its purpose. + +Incidentally, the author is indebted to Mr. L. E. Smith, without whose +coöperation this book would never have been written. + +_Lillian Eichler._ + + + + +CONTENTS + + +CHAPTER PAGE + +PART I + + I. INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE 1 + +What is Etiquette?--Laws of Society--Control of the Impulses--Regard +for the Rights of Others--The Danger of Intolerance--Why it Pays to +Be Agreeable--The Simplest Culture. + + II. ETIQUETTE'S REWARD 11 + +The Origin of Manners--The Manners of To-day--Good Society in +America--The True Lady and Gentleman--The Secret of Social +Success--What Manners Will Do for You--Etiquette's Reward. + + III. ENGAGEMENTS 20 + +Of Special Importance--The Proposal--The Engagement Ring--Announcing +the Engagement--The Most Usual Method--Announcing an Engagement in +the Newspapers--Engagement Gifts--Bridal Showers--Length of the +Engagement--Responsibility for the Wedding--Families and Friends. + + IV. WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS 31 + +The Wedding Invitation--Size and Material--Kinds of Envelopes-- +Addressing the Envelopes--Invitations to Church Wedding--Invitation +to Home Wedding--Wedding in a Friend's Home--When Cards are Enclosed +--Invitations to Second Marriages--Invitation to Wedding Anniversary +--Informal Wedding Invitation--Acknowledging the Formal Wedding +Invitations--Whom to Invite--Sending the Invitations--Recalling +the Wedding Invitation--Breaking an Engagement--Returning Gifts-- +When Death Intervenes. + + V. WEDDINGS 49 + +The Church Wedding--Attendants--The Bridesmaids--Rehearsals-- +Regarding the Ushers--The Wedding Day--Arriving at the Church-- +Wedding Music--The Wedding Procession--The Ceremony--Leaving the +Altar--Rice, etc.--The Wedding Reception--The Wedding Breakfast-- +The Wedding Present--Acknowledging Wedding Presents--The Home Wedding +--The Second Wedding--Some Important Conventions--Seeking Advice-- +Wedding Anniversaries--The Silver Wedding--The Reception--Tin and +Wooden Weddings--The Golden Wedding--The Golden Wedding a Glorious +Achievement. + + VI. THE BRIDE'S OUTFIT 73 + +Origin of the Trousseau--The Trousseau of To-day--About the Linens +--For the Bride--The Wedding Dress--The Bride's Veil--Wedding +Flowers--Dress of the Maid of Honor--Marrying in Traveling Dress. + + VII. FUNERALS 83 + +Funeral Customs--The Funeral of To-day--When Death Enters the +Family--Taking Charge--Announcing the Death--Some Necessary +Preparations--The Ladies of the Family--The Pall-Bearers--Duties +of Pall-Bearers--The Church Funeral--Order of Precedence--The +House Funeral--A Point of Importance--Removing Signs of Grief +--Seclusion During Mourning--Dress at Funerals--Interment and +Cremation--Mourning Dress--Mourning Dress for Men--Mourning +Stationery. + +VIII. CHRISTENINGS 104 + +Announcing the Birth of the Child--Responding to the Announcement-- +Godparents--Invitations to a Christening--A Church Christening--The +House Christening--After the Baptism--Gifts. + + +PART II + + I. INTRODUCTIONS 113 + +Purpose of the Introduction--Creating Conversation--When to +Introduce--Importance of Care--Special Introductions--When the +Name Isn't Heard--The Correct Introduction--Group Introductions-- +The Chance Introduction--Incomplete Introductions--Indirect +Introductions--The Acknowledgment--Forms of Acknowledgment-- +Future Recognition of Introduction--Introducing at Dinner-- +Introducing at the Dance--Introducing at Receptions--Speaking +without Introduction--Introducing Children--Cordiality in +Introductions. + + II. LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION 135 + +The Letter of Introduction--Presenting the Letter--Acknowledging +a Letter of Introduction--Model Letters of Introduction--The +Card of Introduction--Business Introductions. + +III. CALLS AND CALLING CUSTOMS 142 + +The Beginning of Social Calls--When Calls are Made--The Proper +Length of a Call--The Day at Home--Dress for Calls--Paying the +First Call--Calls of Obligation--About Returning Calls--The +Call of Condolence--The Call of Congratulations and Inquiry-- +The Social Calls of Men--The Invalid's Call--Asking a New +Acquaintance to Call--The Woman's Business Call--Receiving +Calls--Duties of the Hostess--Receiving the Chance Caller-- +When the Host is at Home--Taking Leave of the Hostess--The +Evening Call--When Gentlemen Receive Callers--Making a Chance +Call--Informal Calls. + + IV. VISITING CARDS--AND OTHERS 165 + +Your Card a Representative of You--General Rules Regarding Cards +--Size of Cards for Women--Size and Material of Cards for Men-- +Titles on Cards for Women--Cards for Widows--The Young Lady's +Card--Indicating the Day at Home--The Married Couple's Card-- +Using Jr. and Sr.--Titles on Cards for Men--Professional Cards +for Men--Cards for Mourning--When the Woman Goes a-Calling--When +More than One Card is Left--Some More Points About Calls and +Cards--The Chance Call--Simple Card-Leaving--Should a Stranger +Leave Cards?--Cards and Business Calls--When a Man Leaves Cards +--The Man's Chance Call--About Leaving and Posting Cards--Leaving +Cards of Inquiry--Acknowledging Cards of Inquiry and Condolence +--Announcement Cards--When Traveling--P.P.C. Cards. + + V. INVITATIONS 198 + +Some General Rules--Invitation to a Formal Dance--Accepting the +Invitation--For the Informal Dance--The Dinner Dance--The Début +Dance--Invitations for the Subscription Dance--Acknowledging +Subscription Dance Invitations--Invitation to Public Ball-- +Requesting an Invitation--The Dinner Invitation--In Honor of +Celebrated Guests--The Acknowledgments--For the Informal Dinner +--When the Dinner is Not at Home--The Daughter as Hostess-- +Inviting a Stop-Gap--To Break a Dinner Engagement--Invitations +for Luncheons--Acknowledging the Luncheon Invitation--The +Informal Invitation--Reception Invitations--Reception in +Honor of a Special Guest--Invitations to Garden Parties-- +Acknowledging the Garden Party Invitation--House or Week-End +Parties--The "Bread-and-Butter" Letter--Invitations to the +Theater and Opera--Invitations to Musicales and Private +Theatricals--Children's Party Invitations--Invitations to a +Christening--A Word of Special Caution. + + VI. CORRESPONDENCE 235 + +To-day and Yesterday--The Letter You Write--The Business Letter +--Function of the Social Letter--The Etiquette of Stationery-- +Letter and Note Paper--Crests and Monograms--Use of the Typewriter +--Regarding the Salutation--Closing the Letter--Addressing the +Envelope--Letter of Condolence--Acknowledging a Letter of +Condolence--Etiquette of the Friendly Letter--The Child's +Letter--Letters to Persons of Title. + +VII. PARENTS AND CHILDREN 254 + +The Home--Appearance of the House--Dress--Dress for Children-- +Children and Development--Know Your Children!--Imitation--The +Child's Speech--At the Table--Playmates--Children's Parties-- +Planning Surprises--Receiving the Young Guests--About the +Birthday Party--When the Young Guests Leave--Children's +Entertainments Away from Home--Children and Dancing--A Word +to Parents--Amusements--Let the Child be Natural--The Young +Girl--The Girl's Manner--The Chaperon--The Young Country Miss +--The Girl and Her Mother--For the Shy and Self-Conscious-- +Forget About Yourself--Why the Shy are Awkward--Self-Confidence +Versus Conceit--Country Hospitality--Importance of Simplicity-- +The Hostess--The Guest--For Country Folks--The Endless Round of +Hospitality--When to Invite--The Guests and Their Duties-- +Addressing Titled People. + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + +ON HER WEDDING DAY _Frontispiece_ + + PAGE + +CHURCH DECORATED FOR A FORMAL WEDDING 62 + +AN ALTAR FOR A HOME WEDDING 142 + +DECORATIONS FOR A WEDDING IN A SMALL CHURCH 190 + + + + +PART I + + +"_The power of manners is incessant--an element as unconcealable as +fire. The nobility cannot in any country be disguised, and no more in a +republic or a democracy than in a kingdom. There are certain manners +which are learned in good society, of that force that, if a person have +them, he or she must be considered, and is everywhere welcome, though +without beauty, or wealth, or genius._" + +--_From Emerson's Essays_. + + + + +BOOK OF ETIQUETTE + + + + +CHAPTER I + +INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE + + +WHAT IS ETIQUETTE? + +At a meeting of army officers during the Civil War, one of them began +to relate a questionable story, remarking, as if to excuse his lack of +good taste, that "there were no ladies present." General Grant, who was +acting as chairman of the meeting, remarked, "No, but there are +gentlemen"--and he refused to allow the officer to continue the story. + +What is a gentleman? The question is an old one. It cannot be ancestry, +for often the son of most noble and honored parentage is merely a +coarse compound of clay and money, offered to society as a gentleman, +It cannot be dress--for surely Beau Brummell was not what the world +loves to call a gentleman, despite his stiffly starched cravats and +brightly polished boots. It cannot be money, for then many a common +thief, made wealthy by his ill-gotten gains, would be entitled to the +name of gentleman. + +No, it is something that goes deeper than ancestry or dress or +wealth--something that is nobler and finer than any, or all, of these. +Perhaps it can be best expressed by this beautiful example of what true +etiquette can mean: + +Henry Ward Beecher, on a very cold day, stopped to buy a newspaper from +a ragged youngster who stood shivering on a corner. "Poor little +fellow," he said, "aren't you cold standing here?" The boy looked up +with a smile and said, "I was, sir--before you passed." + +The word _etiquette_ itself does not mean very much. It comes from +the same origin as the word "ticket" and originally meant the rules of +court ceremony printed on tickets that were given to each person +presented at court. But through generations the ideal of perfected +culture surged, until to-day we have a code of manners that is the +pride and inspiration of refined living. + + +LAWS OF SOCIETY + +Etiquette, after all, is not the finished work, but merely a tool that +opens the portals to a broader life, to a greater social happiness. +Through its influence we are brought into close companionship with the +really worth-while minds of our day. By faithful constancy to its rules +we gradually mold our characters until, in our outward dignity and +charm, the world reads and understands our ideals. + +There is in every human nature the desire for social happiness--which +is, frankly, in other words, the desire so to impress by one's manner +that one will be welcome and respected wherever one chances to be. And +it is only by adhering to the fundamental laws of good society that +this social happiness can ever be attained. + +In observing the established etiquette of modern society it is +necessary to pay particular attention to one's appearance, manner, and +speech. It must be remembered that the world is a harsh judge and is +perfectly willing to condemn us by outward appearances. In the +street-car, in the ball-room, at the theater--every day people are +reading the story of our characters and ideals. + +Society has its own definite code of manners that must be observed +before one can enter its portals. There are certain rules that must be +followed before one can enter its envied circle. There are +conventionalities that must be observed in requesting a lady to dance, +in acknowledging an introduction, in using the knife and fork at the +dinner table. There are certain prevailing modes in dressing for the +theater and reception. To know and adhere to these laws is to be +admitted to the highest society and enjoy the company of the most +brilliant minds. + +Etiquette is an art--the art of doing and saying the correct thing at +the correct time--the art of being able to hold oneself always in hand, +no matter how exacting the circumstance. And like music or painting or +writing, the more you study it, the more you apply yourself to its +principles, the more perfectly your own character is molded. + + +CONTROL OF THE IMPULSES + +The cultured man is never angry, never impatient, never demonstrative. +His actions and speech are tempered with a dispassionate calmness and +tranquillity that the French admiringly call _sang froid_. He knows how +to control his emotions so effectively that no one can read, in his +self-possessed expression, whether he is angry or pleased, discouraged +or eager. + +Perhaps the most striking and admirable thing about a man of breeding +is his carefully disciplined impulses. He may at times lose control of +himself, but he is never petulant, never incoherent. He may be greatly +enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes +excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties. He never gives +the appearance of being in a hurry, no matter how swift his actions may +be--there is always about him the suggestion of leisure and poise. + +Swearing is essentially vulgar. It was Dr. Crane, the famous essayist +and philosopher, who said in one of his delightful talks, "The superior +man is gentle. It is only the man with a defective vocabulary that +swears. All noise is waste. The silent sun is mightier than the +whirlwind. The genuine lady speaks low. The most striking +characteristic of the superior ones is their quiet, their poise. They +have about them a sense of the stars." Strong feeling, anger, have no +place in the social life. + +We are all uneasy at times. We all have our embarrassing moments. But +the well-bred person knows how to conceal his emotions, and impulses, +so well that no one but himself knows that he is uneasy or embarrassed. +It is not only exceedingly unpleasant, but it is also very poor form to +show by our gestures and frowns and speech that we are annoyed by some +circumstance that is entirely beyond our control. + +Impulsiveness is often the cause of serious breaches of +etiquette--breaches that are, socially speaking, the ruin of many a +rising young man, of many an otherwise charming young woman. The +gentleman never shows by hasty word or angry glance that he is +displeased with some service. The lady never shows, either in her +speech or manner, that she is excited with some unexpected happening, +or disappointed because something did not happen the way she planned +it. It is only by studying the rules of etiquette and knowing +absolutely what is right to do and say under all conditions that one +acquires this splendid self-possession and composure of manner. + + +REGARD FOR THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS + +William De Witt Hyde, in his book, "Practical Ethics," says, +"Politeness is proper respect for human personality. Rudeness results +from thinking exclusively about ourselves and caring nothing for the +feelings of anybody else. The sincere desire to bring the greatest +pleasure and least pain to everyone we meet will go a long way towards +making our manners more polite and courteous." + +The man or woman who is truly cultured, truly well-bred, tries to make +everyone happy and at ease. It is only the exceedingly vulgar person +who finds pleasure in hurting the feelings of the people with whom he +comes into contact. It makes no difference how wealthy or how poor a +person is, how ignorant or educated he happens to be--as a fellow-being +he is entitled to a hearty sympathy and respect. Both servility and +arrogance are ungentlemanly. Gentleness, simplicity and a sincere +regard for the rights of one's companions are the distinguishing marks +of a fine character. + + +THE DANGER OF INTOLERANCE + +There is no room for intolerance in the social world. To be honored, +respected, one must have a certain friendliness of spirit. The +_gentleman_, the _lady_ treats everyone, from the lowliest beggar to +the most distinguished personage with consideration. It is only the +man who is unpretentious, who is always eager to please, who is as +courteous and considerate in manner to his inferiors as to his equals, +that fully deserves the name of gentleman. + +The author recently chanced to witness an amusing incident which might +be of value to repeat here. It shows forcibly how important the little +things are, and how they reveal to the gaze of the world the true story +of our actual worth: + +An elderly man, who showed quite obviously by his lordly and +self-satisfied manner that he was accustomed to travel about in his own +car, was on one occasion forced to ride home in the subway. It was rush +hour, and thousands of tired men and women were in a hurry to get home. +The man impatiently waited his turn on a long line at the ticket +office, constantly grumbling and making it disagreeable for those about +him. When he finally did reach the window, he offered a ten dollar bill +in payment for one five-cent ticket and deliberately remained at the +window counting and recounting his change while the people behind him +anxiously awaited their turn. When at last he did move away, he had a +half smile, half frown of smug and malicious satisfaction on his face +which, interpreted to the people he had kept waiting, said that he now +felt repaid for having had to travel in the same train with them. + +This man, in spite of his self-satisfied manner and well-tailored suit, +was very far from being a gentleman. The shabby young man behind him, +who also offered a bill in payment for his ticket, but stepped quickly +to one side to count his change, and smiled cheerfully at the man +behind him, was infinitely more of a gentleman than the one who +maliciously, and with evident keen enjoyment, kept the long line +waiting. + +The true worth of a gentleman is revealed, not in his fashionable +clothes or haughty demeanor, but in his regard for the rights of +others. It is the little kindnesses that count--and the instinctive +recognition of the rights of others. As England's inimitable J. M. +Barrie has so aptly remarked, "Those who bring sunshine to the lives of +others cannot keep it from themselves." + + +WHY IT PAYS TO BE AGREEABLE + +Why should we know the laws of etiquette? Why should we know the way to +do and say things? Why should we be agreeable? These are questions that +will undoubtedly arise in the mind of the young man or woman who is +eager to cultivate and refine his or her manner and speech. + +The answer is: to make one's own life happier--to bring into it a new +sunshine, a new joy of living that was not even dreamed of when the +mind and spirit were shrouded in the gloom of discourtesy, coarseness +and vulgarity. + +For how can the boor be happy? With his gloomy face, sour disposition, +complaining habits and inherent lack of good taste and culture, he sees +only the shadows of life. People are repulsed by him, never attracted. +Brilliant men and women, people of refinement and taste, will have +nothing to do with him. He lives his own life--his ill-bred, +complaining, gloomy, companionless life--an outcast from that better +society of which we all long to be a part. + +Culture and cheer go hand-in-hand. The cultured man or woman is always +cheerful, always finding something good and beautiful in all mankind +and nature. Cheerfulness itself means poise--a wholesome, happy, +undaunted poise that makes life well-balanced and worth the living. The +person of low, vulgar tastes and desires is seldom contented, seldom +happy. He finds everywhere evil, ugliness, selfishness, and a tendency +for the world generally to degrade itself to the lower levels of +coarseness. He finds it because he looks for it. And he looks for it +because it already exists in his mind. + +And yet, he may be educated; he may be a recognized power in the +financial world; he may even possess enviable talents. But if he lacks +that glorious open-hearted generosity, that sincere sympathy and simple +understanding with all mankind, that helpful, healthful, ever-inspiring +agreeableness of mind and spirit--the world will have none of him. + +The man who feels constantly grieved and injured at some injustice, +real or imaginary, is sacrificing some of the best things life has to +offer. He does not know what it means to be greeted with a smile of +pleasure and a warm handclasp. He does not know what it means to be +taken whole-heartedly into one's confidence, to be relied upon, to be +appealed to. He does not know what it means, in his hours of darkest +adversity, to receive the genuine sympathy and encouragement of a +friend. + +But with culture, with development of mind and spirit, with the desire +to adhere truly to society's laws and regard as inviolable the rights +of others, there comes a new understanding of human relationship. Where +once everything seemed narrow and selfish, one now sees love and beauty +and helpfulness. Instead of harsh words and unkind glances, there are +words of cheer and encouragement, smiles of friendliness and +understanding. The world that once seemed coarse, shallow and +unpolished, seems now strangely cordial and polite. + + +THE SIMPLEST CULTURE + +Yes, it pays to be agreeable. We are all like huge magnets, and we tend +to attract those things which we ourselves send out. If we are coarse +and unrefined, we attract to our company those people who are also +coarse and unrefined. If we are disagreeable and unmindful of the +rights of others, they in turn will be disagreeable to us, and +unmindful of our rights. And similarly, if we are kind and agreeable, +we are bound to meet and attract people of the same kind. + +There is a pretty little story of a woman and a child, in which the +simple friendliness of a little girl opened the door for a woman whose +life had been embittered by much hardship and disappointment. She was +strolling one day through a mountain farm-house. She did not know where +she was going, and she did not care. She just wanted to forget, forget. + +She stopped near a well and gazed angrily about her, wondering how +there could be so much peace and quiet in a world that held nothing but +turmoil and heartache for her. She was an attractive woman, and her +smart clothes and haughty bearing were a disappointing contrast to her +scowling face and angry eyes. + +Suddenly she glanced down. A tiny girl was watching her intently--a +little girl who had lived all her seven short years in the untutored +expanse of the mountains. The woman was annoyed, and she did not +hesitate to show it. + +"What are you looking at; what do you want?" she demanded irritably. + +Instead of returning the frown, the child smiled and stepped a little +closer. "I was just thinking how pretty your face would be if it smiled +instead of frowned," she answered. + +The woman's face relaxed. The bitter look in the eyes vanished and was +replaced by a bright new light. The scowl became a grateful smile, and +with an impulsive sob of pure joy, she knelt down and hugged the little +girl who had been the first in a long time to speak gently to her, the +first in a long time to return her frowns with sincere smiles of +friendliness. And when she finally left the little child, and returned +to the exacting conventionalities of the town, she was a nobler, better +and finer woman. + +The simple heart of a child who knew no other creed or law than the +sincere love of all mankind triumphed over the bitterness of a woman +who had known years of education and worldliness. + +Culture is of the heart and spirit rather than of the outward +appearance. But it is by what we do and say that we prove that it truly +exists within us. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +ETIQUETTE'S REWARD + + +THE ORIGIN OF MANNERS + +Why do we observe certain set rules of convention? Why do we greet +people in a certain ordained way--by nodding or by lifting the hat? Why +do we make introductions and send invitations and cultivate our manners +and speech? To find the answer we must trace civilization back to its +very source. + +One of the first necessities of the savage was to devise some means of +showing savages of other tribes that he did not mean to fight--that he +wanted to live with them peaceably. At first it was difficult to do +this; primeval man was always suspicious, always watchful. He had to +be, for his life depended upon it. But slowly certain peaceful +observances and signs were established, and the savages began to +understand them as greetings of peace and good-will. The salutation and +greeting of to-day is a direct result of this early necessity. + +This peace-greeting, as we shall call it, was the first semblance of +order, the first token of good fellowship that appeared out of the +primeval chaos of warfare and destruction. A certain greeting, and +things were on a peaceful basis. But let that greeting be forgotten, +and the savage's life was the forfeit. + +Man developed, and with him developed civilization. From that first +"peace greeting" there came certain set salutations, certain forms of +homage that bound men together in mutual protection and friendliness. +Then slowly, out of this first beam of manners, this first bit of +restraint from the savagery of primeval man, there were created certain +ceremonies. Some were weird dances to the spirit of the Sun; others +were animal or human sacrifices to some God of Fear; still others were +strange ceremonies for the departed spirit of the dead. But they were +ceremonies--and as such they presaged the ceremonies upon which all +etiquette, all good manners, are based to-day. + +We find that the history of manners keeps pace with the history and +evolution of man. And we find that manners, or ceremonies, or respect +for fellowmen--or whatever you want to call it--was the first tie that +bound men together. It is the foundation upon which all civilization is +built. + + +THE MANNERS OF TO-DAY + +Certain sensible rules of etiquette have come down to us from one +generation to another. To-day only those that have stood the test of +time are respected and observed. They have been silently adopted by the +common consent of the best circles in America and Europe; and only +those who follow them faithfully can hope to be successful in business +and in social life. + +There are some people who say that etiquette, that manners, are petty +shams that polish the surface with the gilt edge of hypocrisy. We all +know that a few people believe this. Who of us has not heard the +uncultured boor boast that he is not restricted by any "sissy manners"? +Who of us has not heard the successful business man decline an +invitation to a reception because he "had no time for such nonsense"? +To a great many people manners mean nothing but nonsense; but you will +find that they are almost invariably people who never win social or +business distinction. + +The rules of etiquette as we observe them nowadays are not, as some +people suppose, the dictates of fashions. They are certain forms of +address, certain conduct of speech and manner, that have been brought +down to us through centuries of developing culture. And we observe them +to-day because they make contact in social life easier and more +agreeable; they make life more beautiful and impressive. + +You do not have to observe the laws of good conduct if you do not wish +to. Certainly not. You may do just as you please, say just what you +please, and wear just what you please. But of course you must not +complain when you find the doors of good society closed against you, +when you find that people of good manners and correct social conduct +avoid you and bar you from their activities. Good manners is the only +key that will open the door to social success--and men and women often +find that it fits the door to business success as well. + + +GOOD SOCIETY IN AMERICA + +Everyone loves to mingle with cultured, well-bred people; with +brilliant and celebrated individuals. Everyone loves to attend +elaborate social functions where the gay gowns of beautiful women are +only less charming and impressive than their faultless manners. But it +is not everyone who can be admitted to these inner portals of good +society. + +It is a well-known truth that manners rather than wealth decide social +rank. A man may be fabulously wealthy, but if he does not know how to +act, how to dress and speak, he will not be respected. American society +has rules of its own, and those who are not willing to learn these laws +are shunned, banished. Etiquette is the wall which divides the cultured +from the uncultured, which keeps the ill-bred out of the circles where +they would be awkward and uncomfortable, and where they would +undoubtedly cause mortification to others. + +On the other hand, to know these rules of good conduct is to be +admitted to the highest circles of society. To know that one is correct +banishes at once all uncertainty, all embarrassment. And one mingles +with perfectly-mannered people, calm in the assurance that one knows +just what is correct, and that no matter what happens one can do or say +nothing to reflect on one's breeding. + + +THE TRUE LADY AND GENTLEMAN + +It is not enough to be wealthy. It is not enough to be widely famed. +But if one is well-mannered, if one knows how to conduct oneself with +poise, grace and self-confidence, one will win respect and honor no +matter where one chances to be. + +There are very few men indeed who do not value good manners. They may +ridicule them, they may despise them--but deep down in their hearts +they know that good manners have a certain charm, a certain power, that +wealth and fame together do not possess. They know that right in their +own business spheres there are men who owe their success and position +to the appearance that they make, to the manner in which they conduct +themselves. And they know that there are beautiful women who are coldly +repellent; while some plain women win the hearts of everyone with whom +they come in contact, merely by the charm of their manners. + +The perfect gentleman is not the dude, the over-dressed "dandy" who +disdains the workingman in his patched clothes and who sniffs +contemptuously at the word "work." The true gentleman is kindly, +courageous, civil. He is kind to everyone--to the tottering old man he +helps across the street, and to the mischievous young rascal who throws +a ball through his window. He does not know what it is to become angry, +to lose control of his temper, to speak discourteously. He never shows +that he is embarrassed or ill at ease. He is as calm and unconcerned in +the presence of a world-wide celebrity as he is when he is with his +most intimate friend. Nor is he ever bitter, haughty or arrogant. And +he is as far from being effeminate as he is from being coarse and +brutal. In short, he knows the manners of good society and he does not +hesitate to use them. + +The perfect lady is not the ornamental butterfly of society, as so many +would have us believe. She is gentle, and well-dressed and +graceful--not merely ornamental. She does some useful work, no matter +what it is. She is patient always, and generous. She never speaks +harshly to tradespeople or to servants; gentleness and reserve are the +very keynotes of her manner. She is never haughty, never superior. She +is kind and courteous to everyone, and she conducts herself with the +calm, unassuming grace that instinctively wins a responsive respect. In +her manner towards men she is reserved, modest. But she is self-reliant +and not afraid to assert herself. Her speech and manner are +characterized always by dignity, repose and self-confidence. + +It is only by knowing the laws of good conduct, and by following them +faithfully, that one can hope ever to become a true gentleman or true +lady. + + +THE SECRET OF SOCIAL SUCCESS + +Every man who so wishes may become a gentleman, and every woman may +become a lady in every sense of the word. It requires only the +cultivation of those qualities outlined above. And it is here that the +use of etiquette lies, that the importance of good manners is most +strikingly portrayed. + +Etiquette teaches you how to be gentle, calm, patient. It tells you how +to be at ease among strangers. It tells you how to cultivate grace, +poise, self-confidence. Not only does it tell you how, but it +_gives_ you poise and self-confidence. By teaching you the right +thing to do at the right time, it eliminates all possibility of +mistakes--and hence all embarrassment and awkwardness vanish. + +The existence of these fixed social laws, these little rules of +etiquette, makes it easy for the man and woman who have not been bred +in the best society, to master the knowledge which will enable them to +enter that society and mingle with the most highly cultivated people +without feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable. It tears down the +barriers between the wealthy and the poor, between the educated and the +ignorant. By knowing what to do and say and write and wear on all +occasions, under all conditions, any man or woman can enter any society +and mingle with any people. The old proverb might well be changed to +read, "Culture makes the whole world kin!" Of course if a man suddenly +became wealthy and he wished to enter the highest society, his wealth +might serve as an opening. But he would soon find that money was not +enough--that he needed manners. He might mingle with society for years, +slowly acquiring the correct table manners, the correct mode of +address, the correct manner of making introductions, the correct way to +conduct himself at all times, in all places. But it would take many +years before the rough edges of his previous uncultivated manners were +rubbed away. Instead of waiting for years of contact with cultured +people to bring him the correct manners befitting a man of wealth, he +need only learn at once from a dependable authority the etiquette of +society, the good form that has been crystallized into rules after +years of social intercourse. It is the easiest road to social success. + + +WHAT MANNERS WILL DO FOR YOU + +Every day you come into contact with people, with strangers, who judge +you by what you do and say. They go away carrying an impression of +you--and it depends upon your manners whether it is a good impression +or a bad impression. + +It is a mistake to think that good manners are meant for the elaborate +ball room or for the formal dinner. Society is not necessarily too +formal or too "showy." Society implies also that society of fellow-men +you meet every day of the year--people you come into contact with in +the social and business worlds. And in order to make contact with these +people agreeable and pleasant, in order to win the admiration and +respect of strangers, in order to avoid embarrassment and humiliation +because of bad blunders at most conspicuous moments, it is essential to +know what is right and what is wrong. + +Good manners will enable you to be easy and graceful at all times. You +will be able to mingle with the most cultured people and be perfectly +at ease. You will lose all self-consciousness, all timidity. And +instead you will become dignified, well-poised, calm. Instinctively +people will respect you; in business and in society you will find +yourself welcomed and admired. + + +ETIQUETTE'S REWARD + +Etiquette is like the binding of a book--just as the binding reveals +the name of the book, and protects the valuable pages that are inside, +so does etiquette reveal the breeding and culture of an individual, and +protects him from the disrespect, ridicule and snubs of the world. + +Etiquette will make you dignified. It will make your actions and speech +refined, polished, impressive. It will make you a leader instead of a +follower, a participant instead of a looker-on. It will open the doors +of the highest society to you, make you immune to all embarrassment, +enable you to conduct yourself with ease and confidence at all times, +under all circumstances. + +The rewards of etiquette are too numerous to recount. If you follow the +laws of good conduct, if you do only what is right and in good form, +you will find yourself an acknowledged leader, an acknowledged success, +no matter in what station of life you may be. The world is quick to +perceive good manners, just as it is quick to perceive the blunders in +etiquette. If you study the rules of good conduct, and follow good form +in everything you do and say, you will become courteous and kind and +well-mannered. Etiquette will attract people to you, make you and your +home a center of social activity. But most of all, it will make you +respect yourself. And that is more important than riches or fame--for +self-respect is the only thing that brings true happiness. + +Remember the words of the prophet, "He who respects himself will earn +the respect of all the world." + + + + +CHAPTER III + +ENGAGEMENTS + + +OF SPECIAL IMPORTANCE + +There is perhaps no time when the rules of etiquette need to be so +strictly observed as during the period of courtship. All the world +loves a lover--but this does not keep the world from watching closely +and criticizing severely any breach of good manners, especially on the +part of the young lady. + +Any public display of affection anywhere at any time is grossly +unrefined. Love is sacred, and it should not be thrown open to the rude +comments of strangers. The young couple should conduct themselves with +quiet dignity and reserve, neither indulging in terms of endearment or +caresses, nor purposely ignoring each other so as to create the +impression that they are not, after all, so very much in love. There is +no reason why their conduct in public after they are engaged should be +any more demonstrative than it was before. + +At parties, dinners, and other entertainments it is their privilege to +be with each other more than they are with anyone else, but this does +not mean that they should neglect the other guests. If the occasion has +been planned especially for them they are in part responsible for each +one present finding it an enjoyable one. And each one should be very +cordial to the friends of the other. + +Many an engagement that held promise of golden happiness to come was +abruptly broken because one or the other was not sufficiently +circumspect in conduct. A young lady must remember that while she is +not exactly expected to give up indiscriminately all her friends of the +opposite sex, she must not receive them as guests, or go to the theater +or ball with them, without the knowledge and consent of her fiancé. He +is, of course, expected to be equally considerate of her with regard to +his own relations with other women. + +The engaged couple of to-day enjoys much greater freedom than the +engaged couple of our grandmothers' time. The chaperon has been almost +entirely dispensed with, except in a few individual cases. Although it +is still considered rather poor form to attend the theater or opera +together, without other friends in the party, it is often done without +any very serious consequence to the young people. Perhaps it is because +the young men and women of this country have that instinctive grace and +dignity of manner that the severe laws of conduct practiced abroad have +been deemed unnecessary. + + +THE PROPOSAL + +At one time, not so very long ago, it was considered an irrevocable law +of etiquette that a young man obtain the formal consent of a young +lady's parents before asking her hand in marriage. Prevalent customs +have almost eliminated this formality, and modern mothers and fathers, +by the welcome which they accord him in their home, show a young man +whether or not they think him eligible for their daughter's hand. And +it is really a much wiser plan to object to a friendship when it first +begins instead of waiting until it has developed into something more +serious. If the young man wishes to proceed upon the old-fashioned +formula he may do so, first assuring himself insofar as he is able that +his attentions are welcome to the young lady. + +The time for the proposal depends upon attending circumstances. Someone +has said that there would be fewer divorces if more proposals were made +in the middle of the day under ordinary conditions, but the timid or +romantic youth usually prefers the witchery of moonlight and the magic +of solitude. The proposal itself should be sincere and earnest. Glowing +terms and impassioned emotion are, indeed, very bad taste; and often +the more simple a proposal is the more forcibly it expresses the +suitor's ardor. + +If he is accepted the well-bred young man will immediately seek the +young lady's parents and impart the happy news to them. At this point, +if it has not already been disclosed it is customary for him to reveal +his true status, financially and socially, and answer politely any +questions that her parents may ask him. If there are dissensions he +must explain calmly and carefully, making sure all the time to keep +complete control of his feelings and not to allow himself to become +either angry or impatient. + + +THE ENGAGEMENT RING + +It is the custom to seal the engagement pact with a ring. As soon as +the prospective bridegroom has won the consent of the young lady whom +he wishes to be his wife, he places the engagement ring on the third +finger of her left hand. The convention is that the ring be a diamond +solitaire set in gold or platinum, or, if it is preferred, a diamond +set with other stones. It is always wise to consult the individual +preference of the young lady in determining the choice of the ring, and +it is her privilege to choose whatever kind she wants regardless of +tradition or convention. + + +ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT + +After the proposal has been accepted announcement of the fact is made, +and it is here that the young lady takes the leading part. + +There are several established conventions in announcing the engagement. +Each one is good form, and the choice is merely a matter of taste and +convenience. But always the initiative must come from the family of the +future bride. The young man must not even announce the engagement to +his best friends until he is quite sure that his fiancé has already +made it known to her friends. + +It has always been a popular custom in better society to give the +announcement of an engagement as nearly an appearance of "leaking out" +as possible. Perhaps it is because it adds to the interest of the +occasion. To obtain this effect, a number of intimate friends and +relatives are invited to a dinner party--really the engagement +dinner--where, in the course of the conversation, the news of the +engagement is casually imparted to the guests for the first time. It is +usually announced by the father of the young lady; sometimes by her +older brother, and in some cases by her mother. + +The guests, of course, will offer warm and sincere congratulations. The +happy couple mingle among their guests and receive their good wishes +with modesty and smiles of thanks. + +Sometimes the young lady gives a luncheon for her friends, at which the +announcement is made. It is always very pretty to make the announcement +in some novel way, and if the hostess does not find her own ingenuity +equal to it she will find her stationer her best guide. He has various +novelty cards, etc., specially designed for such occasions. + +Often, instead of formally announcing the engagement, the young lady +gives the news to several of her closest friends, depending on them to +spread it among their friends and acquaintances. This manner of +announcement is usually followed with a little informal reception, to +which are invited the members of the prospective bridegroom's family +and the relatives of both families. + + +THE MOST USUAL METHOD + +Perhaps the best way to announce an engagement is for the young lady +and her mother to send small engraved cards to their circle of friends +and relatives, making the announcement in a simple statement, and +mentioning an afternoon when they will be "at home" to visitors. The +young man may also send notes or cards to his friends, having first +made sure that his fiancé has already announced it to her friends. The +"at home" offers a splendid opportunity for each one to meet the +friends of the other, and for the families of the two young people to +become better acquainted. Care must be taken that there is no +constraint, no drifting into "circles." The young lady must welcome her +future husband's friends with sincere cordiality, and see that they are +properly introduced to her own friends. He must mingle with her friends +and make himself companionable and agreeable. To be constantly +together, selfishly enjoying each other's company while the neglected +guests are left to their own devices is a breach of etiquette and must +be conscientiously avoided if the "at home" is to be hailed a success. + +If this last method of announcing the engagement is decided upon, the +home should boast no decorations except flowers simply arranged. The +young lady and her mother, in conservative afternoon frocks, receive +together. The young man is usually presented to the guests by his +future father-in-law. Entertainment, such as music and dancing, may be +provided for the occasion if it is convenient. Simple refreshments may +be served--dainty sandwiches, cake, tea and sweets are appropriate when +served in an attractive manner. + +It is also customary to place an announcement in the society columns of +the newspapers simultaneously with the giving of the dinner party. It +should always be written by the parents about their daughter, or by the +guardian if she has no parents--never by the engaged girl herself. + + +ANNOUNCING AN ENGAGEMENT IN THE NEWSPAPERS + +The vogue to-day seems to favor announcing engagements in the newspaper +rather than through the issuing of announcement cards. Such items of +announcement should be sent to the society editor of the paper +selected, and should be signed with the full name and address of the +sender. Brief items are always better than long ones. + +Here are two typical newspaper announcements of recent engagements: + + _"Mr. and Mrs. Henry M. Bower announce the engagement of their + daughter Rose to Mr. Walter Barrie of Boston. The date of the + wedding will be announced in this paper later."_ + + _"The engagement of Miss Lillian Hall to Mr. Robert G. Manning is + announced by Mr. and Mrs. John B. Hall. The wedding is to take + place in St. Thomas's Church on the 15th of June."_ + + +ENGAGEMENT GIFTS + +It is not customary for elaborate engagement gifts to be presented, +even by near relatives. In fact, the mode of the engagement gift has +been gradually disappearing until to-day congratulations are considered +sufficient. However, the close friends of the young lady may send her, +with their congratulations, pleasing bits of chinaware, glassware, and +sometimes even silver. Odd pieces of bric-à-brac and quaint, unusual +gifts, and antiques are always acceptable. Markings on gifts are +usually in the maiden name of the bride--but if any doubt is felt as to +which she herself would prefer, it is best to ask her. + +There is an old tradition regarding the giving of tea-cups as an +engagement present. A lover, who was obliged to go away on an extended +sea journey, gave to his betrothed a delicate china cup, asking her to +drink tea from it every afternoon. He said, "If I am unfaithful, the +cup will fill to overbrimming and the tea pouring over the sides will +crack the thin china. Then you will know I have broken faith." The +custom has been brought down to us, and now we find that the giving of +a tea-cup or a tea-set as an engagement present signifies +faithfulness--and it may mean faithfulness to friendship or love as the +case may be. We usually find that a young lady's spinster friends are +partial to the custom; they seem to find particular enjoyment in +presenting her with dainty tea-cups, either separately or in sets. + +Expensive gifts should never be exchanged during an engagement, barring +of course the engagement ring. The young man may present his +prospective bride with books, flowers or candy, but articles of wearing +apparel are considered bad taste. + +To be modest, gracious, dignified during the engagement, to continue +one's social duties faithfully, neither neglecting one's friends nor +becoming self-consciously enthusiastic, to be self-possessed and +unaffected even while one is the center of much lively interest and +animated discussion--this is the end to be desired, and the young man +and woman who have accomplished it are indeed fortunate. + + +BRIDAL SHOWERS + +A good many years ago a friend of a young woman who was about to be +married decided that the only gift she could afford was too slight an +offering to express the love and good wishes that she felt. Knowing +that there were other friends who felt the same way she called them +together and suggested that they present their gifts at the same time. +Then and there the idea of the "shower" was born. + +The custom has prevailed and in most instances to-day the shower has a +special purpose, such as the linen shower or the kitchen shower or the +book shower. It is a very charming way of presenting gifts that would +seem too trifling if they were presented alone. + +Intimate friends of the bride are the guests at a shower. It is usually +a very informal affair and nearly always a surprise to the bride. The +gifts may be hidden in a Jack Horner pie, they may be wrapped in all +sorts of odd packages, or they may be presented in any of a hundred and +one attractive ways. Originality in this, as in all entertainments, is +greatly to be desired. + +The young lady who is honored with a shower thanks the guests verbally, +and afterwards she may write each of them a little note expressing her +gratitude. It is necessary to do so if the affair was an elaborate one +and the gifts were expensive. + + +LENGTH OF THE ENGAGEMENT + +The question of how long an engagement should last is usually governed +by attendant conditions. There is, however, a marked tendency for +engagements to be short; in fact, fashion now demands that the +wedding-day be at least tentatively fixed before the engagement is +announced. + +Many times there are excellent reasons why it should be of several +years' duration. It is best not to announce the fact formally, though +it may be understood among one's friends. Matters of this kind are to +be determined by the two people who are most concerned, and if a young +man and his fiancé have decided that they would like to have a long +engagement the rules of etiquette have nothing to say against it. + + +RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WEDDING + +The father and mother of the young lady who is about to be married +assume all responsibility for the preparation for and the celebration +of the wedding. The groom is not expected to pay for anything except +the ring and flowers for the bride and, if he wishes, the flowers for +the bridesmaids and trifling gifts for the ushers and other attendants. +The clergyman's fee also devolves upon him, but all other expenses are +paid by the bride's parents or guardians. Indeed, it would indicate a +great lack of tact or delicacy on the part of the groom to offer to +provide a part of the trousseau or to pay for any of the other expenses +incidental to the occasion. + +Announcement cards, invitations, music, flowers and other decorations +for the church, the preparations for the breakfast or reception to +follow the ceremony--all of these are paid for by her parents. The +wedding should never be more elaborate than the parents of the bride +can afford. + + +FAMILIES AND FRIENDS + +It is always very delightful when the families of an engaged couple +find themselves congenial, and every effort should be made by the young +people to bring about, if it does not already exist, a harmonious +relationship between their immediate families. It is almost equally +desirable that each shall like the friends of the other and heroic +efforts must be made to do so. A pleasing way to bring friends together +is by means of an informal reception. The invitations should be cordial +notes written by hand. The following indicates the usual form: + + _Bayside, April 4, 19--_ + + _Dear May:_ + + _No doubt you already know that I am engaged to be married to + Ralph Curran. Thursday afternoon from three to five mother is + giving a little reception for his friends and mine, and we both + hope that you will be able to attend._ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Helen Hall._ + +For the members of the immediate families or for very close friends a +dinner is suggested but the most important point for the family which +is doing the entertaining to keep in mind is the style of living to +which the other has been accustomed, and nothing should be done which +might embarrass them. If the family has been accustomed to great +elegance the one that is acting as host need have no fear for people +who are worth knowing appreciate simplicity wherever they find it; but +if they are in very moderate circumstances it is the cruellest kind of +discourtesy to attempt to overawe them with ceremonious hospitality. + +It is ordinarily the family of the groom that is first to approach the +other with an invitation of some kind, but extenuating circumstances +make the convention vary. Often a young girl is invited to visit in the +home of her fiancé before her marriage. It is an invitation which she +may accept with perfect propriety. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS + + +THE WEDDING INVITATION + +Not later than fifteen days, and not earlier than four weeks before the +date set for the marriage, wedding invitations are sent to those +friends, relatives and acquaintances who are to be present at the +ceremony. When the wedding is to be a large church affair, invitations +are sent to all those whose names appear on the visiting lists of the +two families. They are also issued to relatives and friends of the +bride and groom who may be traveling abroad, to the important business +associates of the groom, and those of the bride's father. Intimate +friends and relatives in mourning are also invited, whether they are +expected to attend or not. + +For a home wedding, more discrimination is shown in the issuing of +invitations. Intimate friends and relatives of both families are +invited, but no casual acquaintances. In sending out the invitations, +the bride-to-be and her mother should take into consideration the +number of people who will fit comfortably into the reception or drawing +room. + + +SIZE AND MATERIAL + +Formal wedding invitations should always be engraved. They are issued +in the name of the bride's parents, or, if she is an orphan, in the +names of a married brother and his wife, of her guardian or her nearest +male relative. + +Pure white or cream-tinted paper, unglazed but smooth in surface, +should be used for wedding invitations. A conventional size, although +each year sees another size in wedding invitations, is seven inches in +length by six inches in width. These dimensions vary, but never more +than an inch or so. They fold once into the envelope. Plain script is +favored for the engraving of the wedding cards; old English script, +Roman capitals and block lettering are all effective. A good stationer +will show you the types of lettering most suited to wedding invitations +at the present time. It is his business to be able to advise you. + +If there is a family crest (the bride's family) it may be embossed in +white in the center at the top of the engraved sheet, but not on the +flap of the envelope. A recent fashion is to have the bride's initials +embossed in white where the crest would appear. Both are effective; but +such decorations as gilt-edges, entwined letters of coats-of-arms in +colors are in bad taste. + +Very fine paper should be selected for the wedding invitation. No tint +except cream may be used; pure-white is considered the very best form. +The paper should be of medium weight, unglazed, and smooth. +Light-weight paper through which lettering can be easily seen should +not be used. Nor should the paper be so thick and heavy that it breaks +when folded. + + +KINDS OF ENVELOPES + +The wedding invitation demands two envelopes. The first, matching in +texture and quality the paper of the invitation, is used as a +protection for the card. It remains unsealed. The second envelope is a +trifle larger, though it must also be of a similar texture. Into this +envelope the card and the inner envelope are slipped for mailing. + +The large envelope is sealed and stamped. It bears the complete name +and address of the person for whom it is intended, while the inner +envelope bears only the name. The church cards are enclosed with the +wedding invitation if there is necessity for them. And if there is to +be a wedding reception to which this particular guest is invited, a +special card is also enclosed. The "at home" cards of the bridal couple +are sent separately after the wedding. + + +ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPES + +The wedding invitation is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Blank. The +expression "and family" following the name of a husband and wife is not +used in polite society. If there are unmarried daughters to be invited, +a separate invitation is addressed to "The Misses Blank." Sons may be +invited either by sending a separate invitation to each one, or +addressing one invitation to "The Messrs. Blank." All these +invitations, in their proper envelopes, addressed appropriately, are +placed in the large envelope for mailing. This single envelope is +addressed in full to the matron of the family, "Mrs. Henry Mason +Blank." + + +INVITATION TO CHURCH WEDDING + +The invitation to a church wedding is worded with a bit more formality +than the invitation to the home ceremony. It is sent out two or three +weeks before the day set for the wedding. The church wedding invitation +requires no written acknowledgment, except in those rare cases when +there is a request for it. Instead of the initials, R.S.V.P., it is +better form to say simply, "Please reply." Invitations for the home +wedding, of course, require prompt acknowledgment. + +Following are two forms of church wedding invitations which may be +used: + + _Mr. and Mrs. John Grey Taylor + request the honor of + ............................. + presence at the marriage of their daughter + Helen Marie + with + Mr. Raymond Mitchell + on Thursday, the ninth of May + at four o'clock + St. Thomas's Church + New York_ + + _Mr. and Mrs. John Grey Taylor + request the honor of your presence + at the marriage of their daughter + Helen Marie + and + Mr. Raymond Mitchell + on Friday, the fourth of June + at six o'clock + at the Presbyterian Church + Boston_ + +In the first invitation, the name of the guest is written by hand in +the space left for that purpose. The use of "marriage and" and +"marriage with" is now customary in preference to "marriage to." All +three words are in good form, however, and any one of them may be used. +Below is a model engraved admission card, used when the church wedding +is to be a large one and tickets of admission are necessary. The +correct size is denoted: + + _PLEASE PRESENT THIS CARD + at St. Michael's Church + on Monday, the fifth of May_ + + +INVITATIONS TO HOME WEDDING + +For the home wedding, invitations are engraved as for the church +wedding, but for the phrase "request the honor of your presence" the +phrase "request the pleasure of your company" is substituted, though +"honor" may be used in place of "pleasure" if one prefers. + +As in the case of the church wedding, a space may be left for the name +of the guest to be filled in, or the form that follows may be used: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Robert Guy Brown + request the pleasure of your company + at the marriage of their daughter + Helen Rose + and + Mr. Henry Van Buren + on Tuesday afternoon, June the first + at four o'clock + Twenty-two West End Avenue_ + +When the wedding takes place in the country, or a guest at a great +distance is invited, a small card like the one following is generally +included: + + _Train leaves Grand Central Station + for Glenville at 11:42 A.M._ + + _Returning train leaves Glenville + for New York at 6:10 P.M._ + +Wealthy people often place a special train at the disposal of special +city friends whose presence is eagerly desired at the wedding. A card, +like the one following, is enclosed with the invitation, and it serves +as a pass, entitling the bearer to a seat in the reserved train. Here +is the form most generally used: + + _The special train leaves + Grand Central Station for Glenville + at 11:42 A.M. + Leaves Glenville for Grand Central Station + at 6:10 P.M. + Please present this card at station door_ + + +WEDDING IN A FRIEND'S HOME + +Sometimes, either because of convenience or personal preference, +arrangements are made to have a wedding take place at the home of a +friend or relative. The following wording is suggested as the correct +form for the invitation: + + _The pleasure of your company is requested + at the marriage of + Miss Marian Benson Joyce + to + Mr. John H. Brown + on Monday, the fifth of June + at twelve o'clock + at the residence of + Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Smith Hopkins + Eighteen Johns Street_ + + +WHEN CARDS ARE ENCLOSED + +When a church wedding is followed by a reception or breakfast, special +engraved cards are enclosed with the invitations to those guests whose +presence is desired. It may be a very small card, inscribed merely with +these words: + + _Reception + from four o'clock + Forty-six Lafayette Street_ + +For the wedding breakfast a card of this kind is usually enclosed: + + _Mr. and Mrs. John Hay + request the pleasure of + ..................... + company, at breakfast + on Thursday, the fifth of May + at twelve o'clock_ + + +INVITATIONS TO SECOND MARRIAGES + +The second wedding invitation of a widow should be issued in the name +of her parents or nearest living relatives. She uses her own first name +with the surname of the deceased husband. Here is the correct form: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Robbert Manning + request the honor of your presence + at their marriage of their daughter + Mrs. May Ellis Bruce + to + Mr. Stanley Kenworth + on Monday, September the fifth + at six o'clock + St. Paul Chapel_ + +It may be that the woman who is to be married for the second time has +no near relatives to serve as hosts for her. Her invitations may be +like this: + + _The honor of your presence is requested + at the marriage of + Mrs. Helen Roy Chadwick + and + Mr. Bruce Kenneth + on Wednesday, August the tenth + at four o'clock + Church of the Redeemer_ + +Announcement cards are sent after a wedding if there were no +invitations issued. They are often sent instead of invitations to +friends who live at too great a distance to be present at the ceremony. +They require no acknowledgment though it is customary to send either a +note expressing good wishes or a gift of some kind. If one lives in the +same community one should call on the bride's mother, and if the +bride's card in inclosed, on the bride herself shortly after she +returns from the honeymoon. This is the usual form for the announcement +card: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Roger Smith + announce the marriage of their daughter + Rose Madeline + to + Mr. Frank Breckenridge + on Thursday, April the first + one thousand nine hundred and twenty-one_ + +In case of a second marriage of the bride, the announcement card reads +in this manner: + + _Mr. Robert G. Gainsworth + and + Mrs. Herbert Gaylord Smith + announce their marriage + on Thursday, August the Eleventh + one thousand nine hundred and twenty-one_ + +The bride uses the announcement above only when she is a widow. A +divorcée uses her own first and second names, with the surname of the +divorced husband. + +The announcement card is engraved on sheets of white paper similar in +size and texture to those used for the invitation. It is posted on the +day of the wedding. The forms given above may be modified by adding the +name of the Church in which the ceremony was held, or the home address +of the bride if it was a home wedding. + +With the wedding invitation or the announcement card the "at home" card +of the bride may be included, giving the date of her return from the +honeymoon and her future address. Thus: + + _Mr. and Mrs. K. N. Littleton + At Home in Forest Hills + After the eighteenth of August_ + + +INVITATION TO WEDDING ANNIVERSARY + +Unlike the wedding invitation, that of the anniversary may display some +delicate, unostentatious design significant of the occasion. It is +engraved on sheets or cards which may display the entwined initials of +husband and wife, and the year of the marriage and wedding anniversary. +For a silver wedding, the engraving may be done in silver, and gold +lettering is permissible for the fifty-year anniversary. The two most +approved forms for the anniversary invitations are given below: + + _1875 1900 + Mr. and Mrs. Henry Guy Ascher + At Home + Wednesday evening, May third + after eight o'clock + Thirty-two Pine Street_ + + _1863 1913 + Mr. and Mrs. Henry Guy Ascher + request the pleasure of your company + on the Fiftieth Anniversary + of their marriage + on Thursday, June the third + at eight o'clock + Thirty-two Pine Street_ + + +INFORMAL WEDDING INVITATION + +When a recent death in the family, or when personal preference results +in a so-called "quiet" wedding, when only the immediate family and very +close friends are invited, a short note written either by the +bride-to-be or her mother, is the only invitation. Following is a note +of this kind from the bride-elect to her friend--and immediately below +it the correct form of acknowledgment: + + _Dear Janet:_ + + _Two weeks from Monday, on the ninth of September, Mr. Brill and + I are to be married. We are asking only a few of our most intimate + friends to be present, and would be very glad to have you among + them. The ceremony will take place at four o'clock._ + + _With kindest regards, I am_ + + _Sincerely yours,_ + + _Harriet B. Howe._ + + + _Dear Harriet:_ + + _I shall be delighted to attend your wedding on September ninth, + at four o'clock._ + + _With cordial good wishes to you and Mr. Brill, I am_ + + _Sincerely yours,_ + + _Janet B. Robbins._ + + +ACKNOWLEDGING THE FORMAL WEDDING INVITATION + +When a breakfast or reception card is included, a response must be made +promptly. The form of the invitation should be followed as nearly as +possible. It is written on the first page of a sheet of social note +paper, and addressed to the parents or guardians of the bride. Here is +the form used for acceptance: + + _Mr. and Mrs. John Mortimer + accept with pleasure + Mr. and Mrs. Henry B. Fletcher's + kind invitation to be present at the + marriage of their daughter + Helen Marie + to + Mr. Thomas Wolcott + on Tuesday, the seventh of May + at twelve o'clock + and afterward at the wedding breakfast_ + +Regrets are usually worded in this manner, following closely the +invitation. The reason for non-attendance may or may not be given: + + _Mr. and Mrs. John Mortimer + exceedingly regret that they + are unable to accept + Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher's + kind invitation to be present at the + marriage of their daughter + Helen Marie + to + Mr. Thomas Wolcott + on Tuesday, the seventh of May + at twelve o'clock + and afterward at the wedding breakfast_ + +In the fourth line of the first acknowledgment above the two last words +"at the" may be prefixed to the fifth line; the same holds true of the +fifth line of the second acknowledgment. A good stationer will be able +to give you the exact prevalent vogue in this matter. + + +WHOM TO INVITE + +It is necessary for the young man and woman who are about to be married +to make out their list of those to whom invitations are to be sent +together. If the wedding is to be a large affair, not only their +friends but the friends of their parents as well, and business +acquaintances of both families should be invited. Relatives and friends +in mourning should be invited but no resentment should be felt if they +do not attend. If the wedding is a small one great care should be taken +lest the guests are so numerous as to overcrowd the church or home. +Especially is this true of the home where the space is usually more +circumscribed. + + +SENDING THE INVITATIONS + +All invitations should come from the home of the bride, even those that +are for the personal friends of her husband even if they are unknown to +the bride. They should be mailed from one month to two weeks or ten +days before the day set for the wedding. If the bride is an orphan they +are sent in the name of her nearest relative. If there is an older +brother they may be issued in his name, but never in the name of a +sister unless she is a great deal older than the bride or is herself a +married woman. If the bride has lost one parent and the other has +remarried she may use her own judgment as to whether to send the +invitation in the name of her parent or in the names of them both. The +latter is usually preferred, as a matter of consideration toward the +step-parent. + + +RECALLING THE WEDDING INVITATION + +A sudden death in the family, illness, accident, or other serious +happening, warrants the recall of wedding invitations. The parents of +the bride should immediately notify guests of the postponement of the +wedding, by issuing printed cards. A good size for these cards is three +and a quarter inches in length by one and one-quarter inches in width. +The text is usually worded in this manner: + + _Owing to the sudden death of Mr. Henry + Robert's father, Mr. and Mrs. James Curtis + are compelled to recall the invitations for + their daughter's wedding on Thursday, February + the fourth._ + +or + + _Mr. and Mrs. James Curtis beg to recall + the invitations issued for the marriage of + their daughter, Grace Helen, and Mr. Henry + Roberts, on Thursday, February the fourth._ + + +BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENT + +A broken engagement is always embarrassing for both the young man and +the young lady. Friends, if they are truly well-bred, will not ask +questions, and relatives will not demand explanations. The obligations +which such a situation entails are unpleasant, but it is infinitely +better to go through the ordeal than to face a marriage which is +certain to end in disaster. + +At such a time it is important for the young lady to have the utmost +dignity and self-possession. She is not expected to make any +announcement or offer any explanations. If a reception has been +scheduled, her mother sends brief notes or engraved cards to those who +have been invited, informing them that the engagement has been broken. +The young lady, if she wishes, may confide in her intimate friends; but +to be bitter, to condemn her former suitor in any way, to suggest that +perhaps he was not all that she thought he was at first, not only +reflects on her own good judgment, but is very poor form and shows lack +of delicacy. + +If the announcement of the engagement has been made in the papers such +a notice as this might be inserted in the name of the person or persons +who first made the announcement: + + _Mr. and Mrs. C. D. Simmons announce + that by mutual consent the engagement + between their daughter Agnes and George + Francis Richards is at an end._ + +If invitations have been sent out a similar announcement may be +dispatched to each intended guest. These should be engraved on white +cards of the size recommended by the stationer. + +If the engagement was announced only to intimate friends the bride +should send each of them a note stating that the engagement is at +an end. It is much better _never_ to give an explanation. Such +occasions as this must have given rise to the proverb, "Least said, +soonest mended." Even to the bride's dearest friend the following note +is sufficient: + + _Bellevue, June 1, 19--_ + + _Dear Ruth:_ + + _Since I wrote you last week something has happened which has + made George and me reconsider our engagement. You will therefore + please disregard the invitation for Thursday afternoon._ + + _Ever sincerely yours,_ + + _Margaret Franklin._ + + +RETURNING GIFTS + +When an engagement is broken off the young people return all expensive +gifts and all letters that have passed between them. The young lady +always, of course, returns the engagement ring. + +If wedding presents have been received from friends these also must be +returned with a brief note explaining that the wedding is not to take +place. It is necessary to thank the donor as warmly as if nothing had +happened. + +It takes a great deal of courage to face the situation bravely and to +go through it without a sacrifice of dignity. One thing must be +remembered: _Don't be afraid of what people will say._ It is not +their happiness which is at stake. + + +WHEN DEATH INTERVENES + +Often a death in the family occurs when preparations are under way for +a wedding. If the death is that of a parent or very dear relative the +wedding should be postponed, if circumstances permit, as a mark of +respect and sincere sorrow for the deceased. But if the wedding must +take place as scheduled, or even two or three months after the death, +good taste and delicacy demand that it shall be quiet and simple, with +only a few near relatives and friends present. + +If the ceremony is performed in church there should be no garlands of +gay flowers to strike a festive note. A bit of fern or other green +foliage here and there is sufficient decoration. The bride may have one +bridesmaid and a maid of honor--but an elaborate bridal train is +considered poor taste within six months of a dearly beloved one's +death. The ceremony itself is dispatched with expedience and rapidity, +yet without any semblance whatever of haste. + +Whether it is held in church or at home, the wedding during the period +of mourning is characterized by a solemn simplicity that has none of +the triumphant joyousness of the elaborate wedding. And still the +occasion sacrifices none of its happiness, for sorrow brings to human +nature the same mellow sweetness that the flight of time brings to +untasted wine. + +To pay fitting reverence to the dead, weddings and receptions of all +kinds should be postponed. But if circumstances decree that they shall +take place, then the occasion may be marked by so quiet and +unpretentious a ceremony that the respect due the deceased is in no way +violated. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +WEDDINGS + + +THE CHURCH WEDDING + +The bride and groom decide between them the church where they wish the +wedding to take place and the clergyman whom they wish to officiate. +When there is no religious difference between the couple the matter is +a very simple one and the church which the bride's family regularly +attends is the one chosen, but when he is of one faith and she of +another it may assume serious proportions. If neither is inclined to +yield gracefully the laws of etiquette decree that the groom should +give in, not only because chivalry demands it but also because the +wedding day by right and tradition belongs primarily to the bride. + +The church should be decorated for the occasion but not with great +elaboration. Palms, ferns, and smilax, roses, lilies and other flowers +are appropriate. Ribbon also may be used effectively. White streamers +are sometimes used to mark off the seats which are to be occupied by +the relatives and intimate friends of the bride and groom, but there +are many people who do not like to indicate so definitely the lines of +demarcation among their guests. + +Extravagance in any of the appointments of the wedding are in extremely +bad taste. It is sometimes well to remember the delightful logic of the +old lady who said that she did not dress better than she could afford +to at home because everybody knew her and there was no use trying to +impress them; and she did not dress better than she could afford when +she went to the city because nobody knew her and it did not make any +difference whether she impressed them or not. No set form of decoration +can be given, but magnificent ornamentation is out of place in a simple +chapel or church, and in every place profusion beyond one's means is +not only ill-bred but foolish. + + +ATTENDANTS + +Among the Anglo-Saxons the custom of an impressive escort for the bride +had its origin. To-day it is a matter of choice, and the bride may have +as many or as few as she pleases. Her maid of honor is usually her +sister or her best friend and her bridesmaids are chosen from among +those who are dearest to her. The groom chooses the best man and the +bride and groom together select the ushers. + + +THE BRIDESMAIDS + +Although the number of bridesmaids is entirely a matter of choice, it +is the fashion at an elaborate church wedding to have not less than +five nor more than ten. A maid or matron of honor, two little pages or +flower girls, and, if it is desired, a third child to bear the cushion +to the altar, completes the bridal train. + +The bevy of bridesmaids consists of the bride's dearest friends. If she +has sisters, one of them, as well as one of the bridegroom's sisters, +must be included in her escort. For maid or matron of honor, the bride +selects a sister or intimate friend. + +It is sometimes customary for the bride to provide the dresses of her +bridesmaids. This, however, is dependent upon circumstances and +conditions, and is not really essential. It is important, though, that +the bride visit each bridesmaid personally and request her services at +the wedding, unless she lives at some distance. + +The bride, if the wedding is to be an elaborate one, may suggest to the +bridesmaids the kind of gowns she would like them to wear. The young +ladies may be trusted to follow her wishes implicitly. No one would +willingly mar a friend's wedding by appearing in a gown that does not +agree with the general plan. The gowns need not be identical; but the +colors must be the same, or at least harmonize. Light shades are always +the fashion for bridesmaids. White, of course, for the bride. + +The bridesmaids should be invited many weeks before the wedding so that +they will have ample time for preparation. Nearly always the dress has +to be made, and this takes time. + +It is customary for the bridesmaids to be dressed alike or very nearly +alike. The custom had its origin in primitive times when evil spirits +were supposed to attend wedding ceremonies and the bride and groom were +surrounded by friends of their own age and sex dressed similarly so +that the spirits could not single out the happy couple for their evil +designs. It is a far cry from that time to this, and the only reason +why the bridesmaids are dressed similarly now is because the effect is +so much prettier than could be attained by a miscellaneous array of +gowns, however beautiful each one in itself might be. + +They carry flowers, either cut flowers or bouquets, but their bouquets +are never so elaborate as that carried by the bride. Usually they wear +a bit of jewelry which was presented by the groom. This, too, is a +curious survival of primitive marriage customs when the groom had to +capture the bride, and because she was fleet-footed and wild (or +perhaps because he was lazy), bribed her friends to lure her to the +place where he was waiting. + + +REHEARSALS + +Elaborate weddings should always be rehearsed at least once beforehand. +In arranging these rehearsals the bride must have in mind the +convenience of her attendants, and by consulting them, should settle +upon a time that will be agreeable for the majority. The requests for +one's presence at a rehearsal may be made verbally or by notes. +Refreshments are usually served afterward at the home of the bride. + +She must arrange for the opening of the church, and she should provide +a way for the young ladies who are at some distance to get there. The +details of the ceremony should be practiced until the whole thing can +be accomplished with ease and grace. Every possible effort must be made +to eliminate a stilted and wooden effect on the actual day of the +wedding. + + +REGARDING THE USHERS + +At the rehearsal they should receive careful instructions (usually from +the clergyman), as a large part of the smoothness and charm of the +wedding ceremony depends upon their knowledge of the right thing to do +at the right time. + +On the day of the wedding, they must be at the church at least an hour +before the scheduled time for the ceremony. It is part of their duty to +welcome the guests and escort them to their seats. An old custom was +for the usher to offer his right arm to a lady, and although it still +prevails, a more accepted form is for him to welcome each guest with a +smile, precede her down the aisle, and with a graceful indication, +direct her to her place. + +Front seats should always be reserved for the relatives and most +intimate friends of both families. At most fashionable weddings, the +names of the people to receive these front seats are tabulated on cards +and given to the ushers. Another custom that is permissible is to mark +off the number of seats in front that are to be reserved with a white +ribbon, extending from aisle to aisle and terminating at the end seats +with pretty bows or festoons. This manner of reserving seats for the +"guests of honor" is not only effective, but is also decorative. + + +THE WEDDING DAY + +June and October, because the weather is usually beautiful and flowers +are more abundant than at other times, are the favorite months for +brides, though there is not a single month out of the twelve that does +not see its full quota of elaborate weddings. During Lent there are +fewer than at any other time. + +There is an old superstition which says that Friday is an unlucky day +for a wedding, but the prejudice that rose from it has so largely been +done away with that the only choice among the days of the week is that +which rises from the bride's personal convenience and desire. + +A wedding may take place at any hour of the day. Morning weddings are +usually very simple. Elaborate ceremonies are usually performed at high +noon or in the evening while the wedding that is neither very simple +nor very elaborate (and this means most weddings) takes place in the +afternoon. In a great many instances the hour has to be arranged with +reference to the time the train on which the bride and groom expect to +leave departs. + + +ARRIVING AT THE CHURCH + +The wedding party should arrive promptly at the church a few minutes +before the time mentioned for the ceremony. Few moments are more +tensely anxious than those in which a belated member of the wedding +party is awaited by the others. For this reason, it is always better to +assemble at the home of the bride rather than in the vestibule of the +church or elsewhere. Except the groom and best man, who await the +others in the vestry and the ushers who have gone on ahead an hour or +so earlier. + +The bride's mother, the maid of honor and guests leave the home of the +bride first. They are followed by the bridesmaids. The last to leave +are the bride and her father. + +The bride's mother is escorted to her place (the aisle seat of the +front pew on the left side) by the head usher. Those of her children +who have no part in the procession accompany her. The family of the +bridegroom are similarly conducted to their reserved place, the front +pew on the right side. As soon as the bridesmaids and the bridal party +arrive at the door of the church, the bridegroom is informed, and the +entire cortége assembles in the vestibule. The organist has previously +been informed as to what musical selections are to be played, and as +soon as he gets his cue, he strikes a chord--and while the mellow notes +of the organ peal forth (usually the beautiful tones of the +wedding-march from "Lohengrin") the doors at the foot of the aisle +slowly swing open. + + +WEDDING MUSIC + +The bride usually enters on Lohengrin and goes out on Mendelssohn. +Throughout the ceremony, except when prayers are being said, there +should be soft music and the organ should continue to play until all +the guests have left the church, unless chimes are rung. In the event +that there are chimes they should begin to ring as soon as the bridal +party has left the church. The music for a church service may be very +stately and impressive. Besides the organ stringed instruments may be +employed and soloists or a choir may be asked to sing. Music is +especially pleasing during the time when the guests are waiting for the +wedding party to assemble. + +The musical program in the home is not very different. A piano and one +or two stringed instruments furnish the instrumental music while +friends of the bride and groom may be requested to sing. These should +be rewarded by a gift from the groom. There is a wider choice in the +kind of music which may be used at the home wedding, for the beautiful +secular love songs which are out of place at the church are most +appropriate here. + + +THE WEDDING PROCESSION + +The order of the wedding procession depends largely upon the number of +attendants. The following arrangement is frequently observed: The +ushers enter first, walking slowly down the aisle two by two. The +bridesmaids follow in the same manner, the maid of honor, who is +unattended, comes next, followed by the bride, who leans on the arm of +her father. Flower girls may precede the procession or they may walk +just in front of the bride and a page or pages may be added to the +group to bear the train of the bride's gown. The bride is always the +last to enter and she comes alone or with whoever is to give her away +at the altar. + +As they reach the altar the ushers separate, one half moving to the +right, the other to the left. The bridesmaids do likewise, and the maid +of honor steps to the left of the bride while she and her father +advance toward the space left at the foot of the altar for them. At +this point the groom and best man come forward and the bride slips her +hand from her father's arm and places it in the hand of the groom, who +leads her to the clergyman. Her father stands at her right. + + +THE CEREMONY + +The ceremony is performed in accordance with the rites prescribed by +the religious belief of the young people who are about to be married. +The clergyman is the person to consult about any embarrassing +situations that might arise. + +As the wedding ring is worn on the same finger that has previously worn +the engagement ring the bride usually removes the latter and places it +on the corresponding finger of the right hand. She may allow it to +remain there after the ceremony or she may place it on the same finger +with the wedding ring. It is allowable to leave the engagement ring in +place and slip the wedding ring on over it. + +A word about the ring itself. Like many another of our practices to-day +its use is a survival from primitive times when women were chattels and +a man's wife was his property, his slave to do with as he pleased, and +the ring was of heavy iron, a sign of bondage. Not more than a decade +back the ring was too heavy to be comfortable on the finger, but now it +is a slender band of gold or platinum with or without scroll-work or +other ornamentation, as the wearer may desire. Its symbolism is very +beautiful. The precious metal is an emblem of the purity of the love +between a man and his wife and the circle itself is a symbol of +eternity. + +Before entering the church the bride removes the glove from her left +hand and she may give it with her bouquet to the maid of honor to hold +during the ceremony. The practice of ripping one finger of the glove so +as to leave it bare for the ring is a very foolish one and has never +found favor among people of good breeding. + +It is the part of the best man to look after the groom. His services +may be required in connection with many of the preliminary details of +the wedding even in the procuring of the license. At the wedding itself +he takes charge of the ring and the clergyman's fee, giving the former +to the groom just before the ceremony requires him to place it on the +bride's finger. + +The bride's father remains directly behind her until the clergyman +asks, "Who giveth this woman to this man?" when he comes forward, takes +his daughter's hand, lays it in that of the groom, and says, "I do." He +then turns away and retires to the pew, where his wife is sitting. + + +LEAVING THE ALTAR + +When the final blessing has been pronounced the bridal group may stand +at the altar for a while receiving their friends and then break up +informally, or the procession may leave the church in reverse order +from that in which they entered, the bride and groom walking first +together, followed by the best man and the maid of honor and the +bridesmaids and the ushers walking in pairs. The automobile of the +bride and groom should be waiting at the door to whisk them away to the +home of the bride, where preparations are made for the wedding journey. + + +THROWING THE BOUQUET + +It is a pretty custom for the bride to throw her bouquet among the +bridesmaids (especially lovely when the wedding takes place at home and +the bride turns to throw the flowers as she mounts the stairs). It is a +happy omen for the young lady who catches the bouquet. She may divide +it among the others or she may keep it for herself. It is not +compulsory for the bride to part with the bouquet if she prefers to +keep it herself. She may press the flowers or she may have rose beads +made from the petals or she may dispose of it in any way she desires. + +A well-known young society woman who was married recently in one of New +York's most exclusive churches, ordered all the flowers used in +decorations to be sent to a certain hospital to gladden the slowly +dragging hours of the sufferers. She has created a precedent that every +bride should be proud and happy to follow. + +After all, the greatest happiness is in making others happy. The joy of +the wedding day will gain a new sweetness when a kind deed adds to its +pleasure. Rather let the sufferers in a hospital enjoy the colorful +fragrance of the flowers than permit them to wilt, forgotten, in the +church. + + +RICE, ETC. + +Frequently a shower of rice follows the departing couple, and satin +slippers are thrown after the car. Care must be taken not to overdo +this ancient custom, for although it is considered good luck for one of +the satin slippers to alight on the top of the car, it is certainly bad +form to give the occasion any appearance whatsoever of vulgarity. + +It is interesting to trace this custom back to its origin. Among the +ancient Egyptians and Hebrews a slipper or sandal was a symbol that +denoted an exchange of property. Women at that time were regarded as +property, and they were given in exchange for other property. Later we +find, in Anglo-Saxon marriages, that the bride's father delivers her +shoe to the bridegroom, who touches her on the head with it in token of +his ownership and authority. The custom prevailed, and still later we +find that the idea of good luck is associated with the throwing of +slippers at weddings. Rice and grain were combined with the ceremony of +throwing shoes, obviously indicating a plea to the deity of +Productiveness to bless the marriage with an abundant supply of +nature's bounties. + +To-day the custom is still in vogue. Old satin slippers and handfuls of +rice are thrown after the departing couple. It would not be an +objectionable custom if some over-enthusiastic individuals did not +overdo it to the extent that it becomes almost riotous. After a solemn, +dignified, well-ordered wedding ceremony, and a charming reception, it +is nothing short of ridiculous to spoil it all by boisterously +overdoing an old tradition. The cultured person is always well-poised, +always calm--whether it be during the tense moments of the wedding-vow +utterances, or the half-glad, half-sad moments of seeing the happy pair +off. + + +THE WEDDING RECEPTION + +Fashionable weddings, if not celebrated with a wedding breakfast, are +followed by a reception either in the afternoon or evening. All the +bridal attendants are present, and those relatives and friends who have +previously received invitations. + +The reception takes place in the drawing room of the bride's home. The +room is decorated with flowers, and in the hall is a refreshment table +on which is punch, cakes and boxes containing favors for each of the +guests. + +The bride and groom stand together under a floral bell and accept the +congratulations and good wishes of the guests. The bride's mother and +father are at the door of the drawing room to welcome them, and the +parents of the groom are also ready to receive and welcome the guests +as they arrive. + +It is an important duty of the ushers, at the wedding reception, to +introduce to the bride all those guests whom she does not know. She +accepts their congratulations with a smile and a cordial word or two in +acknowledgment of the introduction. + + +THE WEDDING BREAKFAST + +Wedding breakfasts, though an old English custom, are often held after +the church wedding. If it is decided upon, the guests to be invited +should be informed at least two weeks in advance. The occasion has all +the dignity and formality of a dinner party. + +The bride and groom enter the dining room first. They are followed by +the bride's mother and the groom's father, and the groom's mother and +the bride's father. The bridesmaids and ushers are always invited to +the wedding breakfast, and they follow immediately after the parents of +the happy couple. The precedence of the other invited guests is +arranged by the mother of the bride. + +The menu at a wedding breakfast is never elaborate. Consommée or +bouillon, salads, birds, ices, jellies and bonbons are the usual order. +Coffee and dainty cakes are served last. The wedding cake, if one is +served at all, is set before the bride. + +The bride gives one-and-one-half to two hours to her guests at the +wedding breakfast. Then she retires to her room, accompanied by the +maid of honor and her most intimate friends among the bridesmaids; and +when she appears again she is in traveling costume. The groom has also +retired to change his clothes, and he meets the bride at the foot of +the stairs. The motor is at the door in readiness, and after the last +whispered good-bys, warm handclasps and hasty kisses--the bride and +groom are off! + + +THE WEDDING PRESENT + +The custom of giving wedding presents dates from away back in Dutch +history when the relatives and friends of the bride and groom took upon +themselves the responsibility of furnishing the new household. + +Great taste and discrimination should be exercised in the selecting of +gifts and they should be sent early. Two months before the wedding is +not too soon. It is wise for the friends whenever possible to consult +each other so that they will not duplicate gifts. If most of the +silver, etc., is gotten from the same jeweler he is a great help in +selecting something that is not only appropriate in itself but in +harmony with the other gifts. + +Anyone who receives an invitation may send the bride a gift, though it +is not absolutely necessary to respond to the invitation in this way. +To the question: "What shall the gift be?" the answer is the prettiest +and most useful article within one's means. China and silver are always +appropriate, and cut glass, linen, books, and even checks or gold +pieces are most acceptable. + +There is a slight prejudice against giving money as a present at a +wedding or at any other time, but one has only to see the joy that the +bride and groom get out of spending the money over and over again +before they finally do spend it to have this prejudice dispelled. + +Silver and linen are usually marked with the initials of the bride, +more often than not with the initials of her maiden name. If there is +any doubt as to which she prefers and one is not able to find out +indirectly, it is permissible to ask her. + +Gifts should always be accompanied by the cards of the donors, but +these should be removed when they are placed on display. + + +ACKNOWLEDGING WEDDING PRESENTS + +It is not sufficient merely to keep the cards which accompany the +wedding gifts but there must be some system by which the bride can +remember which gift each one accompanied. She may indicate this on the +card itself or she may keep a list of the names of the donors with the +names of the gifts opposite, but she _must_ be absolutely sure that she +is thanking the right person. + +[Illustration: © Brown Bros. + +CHURCH DECORATED FOR A FORMAL WEDDING] + +If the honeymoon is to be only two weeks or thereabouts the bride may +wait until her return to thank her friends, but if it is to be of long +duration she should write the notes of acknowledgment as soon as she +finds it convenient to do so. These personal notes--and a personal note +is the only proper way to thank one for a wedding present--are usually +written by the bride, but she should always be careful to introduce her +husband's name unless the gift was a very intimate one for her alone. +The following note is a graceful way for both husband and wife to +express their gratitude: + + _July 1, 1921._ + + _Dear Rosalind:_ + + _George and I both wish to thank you for the lovely picture. When + we return from Atlantic City we shall hang it in our living room + where all of our friends can enjoy it with us. We hope that you + will be among the first to visit us in our new home._ + + _Very sincerely yours,_ + + _Annie Beard Hill._ + +Sometimes the groom receives personal gifts from friends of his. To +these he writes notes of thanks in his own name. + + +THE HOME WEDDING + +Home weddings can often be made as impressive as church weddings. With +correct decorations the most spacious rooms in the bride's house can be +transformed into an interior as lovely as the interior of a beautifully +decorated church. + +For instance, at a fashionable home wedding, held recently, the drawing +room was decorated with massive floral wreaths and clusters of palms. A +huge bell of flowers hung in the center of the room, and a canopy of +flowers, occupying one corner, simulated a chapel. The effect was +altogether delightful. + +Only close relatives and friends should be invited to the home wedding. +The bridegroom does not enter the home of the bride until a half hour +before the ceremony begins, and when he does arrive, he and his best +man do not mingle with the other guests but retire to an adjoining room +provided for them. The clergyman also retires to this room when he +arrives, and it is here that he dons his official robe. The three +remain until it is announced that the bride is ready to enter the +drawing room. + +The bride's mother, assisted by her husband, receives the guests. It is +not considered good form to begin the ceremony until they have all +arrived. Then, when everything is in readiness, the bride is met at the +head of the stairs by her father, and is conducted by him to the +entrance of the room. Usually there is no elaborate wedding procession, +and even in the most fashionable home wedding there is often only a +maid or matron of honor to precede the bride. There are rarely more +than half a dozen bridesmaids at most. The order of precedence is +similar to that of the church wedding; the clergyman performs the +ceremony under a floral canopy, and when it is completed, he steps +aside and the newly married couple take his place to receive the +congratulations and good wishes of the guests. + +The wedding breakfast or reception proceeds immediately upon the +conclusion of the ceremony. Everyone present is a guest; and everyone +present attends the reception. + + +THE SECOND WEDDING + +When a woman marries for the second time, her wedding should be very +conservative. Elaborate ceremonies would, indeed, be out of place. +However, the more important conditions of the ceremony are followed +very much along the same lines. + +White is for the girl-bride only. The woman who marries for the second +time indulges in none of the age-old customs that the first bride does. +She does not wear a white veil; she does not carry orange blossoms; she +does not have flower girls or pages or bridesmaids. The more +inconspicuous the second wedding is, the more it is in accordance with +the rules of etiquette. + +The bride-for-the-second-time may have a maid of honor only on one +occasion. If she has a church wedding and invites numerous guests, she +may have a maid of honor to precede her to the altar. As in the first +wedding, her father gives her away. Her family assumes all +responsibility for the expenses involved unless she prefers to do so +herself. If a reception is given after the ceremony, the same order of +precedence is followed as after the first wedding; the reception may be +held either in the home of the bride's parents, or in her own home. + +If married in church, there are none of the elaborate decorations that +characterize the first bridal, although flowers are always acceptable. +Especially if the second ceremony takes place only a short time after +the mourning period for the first husband, any conspicuous display is +in very bad taste. + + +SOME IMPORTANT CONVENTIONS + +It is customary for a widow to remove the engagement ring and wedding +ring of her first husband before the day of her second wedding. The +sight of them cannot be in any way pleasant to her new husband, and +they may be a source of sorrowful memory to her. It is best to discard +them as soon as the second marriage is decided upon. + +There has always been some doubt as to whether or not the family of the +second-bride's first husband should be invited to her wedding. +Absolutely. There is no reason why they should be ignored, any more +than any of the other friends and acquaintances of the bride. In fact, +she owes them a special courtesy, and if they accept the invitation, +they must be treated with the kindest attention and courtesy. They must +always occupy seats below the white ribbon, if the wedding is held at +church. If there is for any reason dissension or disagreement between +her and her first husband's family, she will not of course invite them. +But that may only be an individual case; the general rule is to invite +them and treat them with the utmost consideration. + +Gifts at the second wedding will not be as elaborate as those at the +first wedding. However, each gift must be acknowledged with a cordial +note of thanks. In fact, all the etiquette of the first wedding is +observed, except that it is on a much simpler scale. + +As for the man who marries for the second time, he, too, follows the +original dictates of wedding etiquette, and eliminates only the +farewell bachelor dinner. Here also the ceremony and reception is on a +considerably less extravagant style. + + +SEEKING ADVICE + +The girl or woman who is about to be married can always get helpful +suggestions from her friends who have been married or have witnessed +fashionable weddings. The minister in charge is especially qualified to +give you a great deal of important advice, and one should never +hesitate to consult him. In his official capacity he has doubtless +served at many weddings, many of them well-nigh perfect, some of them +marred by the very blunders that he can teach you to avoid. + + +WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES + +There is something strangely beautiful and poetic in the celebration of +a wedding anniversary. It arouses slumbering sentiments and mellows old +memories into a throbbing happiness. Here are the wedding anniversaries +that are usually celebrated in our better society: + + The Paper Wedding--first year. + The Wooden Wedding--fifth year. + The Tin Wedding--tenth year. + The Leather Wedding--twelfth year. + The Crystal Wedding--fifteenth year. + The China Wedding--twentieth year. + The Silver Wedding--twenty-fifth year. + The Ivory Wedding--thirtieth year. + The Woolen Wedding--fortieth year. + The Silk Wedding--forty-fifth year. + The Golden Wedding--fiftieth year. + The Diamond Wedding--seventy-fifth year. + +Although many families celebrate all of these anniversaries, it is more +generally the fashion to disregard all those that come before the +quarter-century mark. The first anniversary to be celebrated is usually +the silver wedding. The most favored way of doing this is to have a +dinner party or a reception. Sometimes, especially when there are young +unmarried daughters, a dance is given and a dinner follows later. + + +THE SILVER WEDDING + +Cards for the silver wedding reception should be printed on white or +silver-gray paper. They may be printed in silver or black. They may be +worded in the usual "at home" form, or may be in this form: + + _Mr. and Mrs. S. Brown + request the pleasure of ............'s presence + at the dinner reception of their + Silver Wedding + on Tuesday, June the fourteenth + at seven o'clock + 1897 1922_ + +If an invitation like the one above is issued, the guests will +undoubtedly send beautiful gifts of silver--unless, as is often the +case, it is requested in the invitation that no gifts be presented. +Sometimes, in fact, the bride and groom of twenty-five years +commemorate their silver wedding by themselves, sending handsome gifts +of silver to those who started out in married life at about the same +time that they did, but who have not been materially so fortunate. + + +THE RECEPTION + +If a reception celebrates the silver wedding, the husband assists his +wife in receiving. Often the occasion begins at the precise hour at +which the marriage took place; but usually the preferred time is in the +late afternoon or evening. The "bridal couple" should make an effort to +have as many as the original party of bridal attendants present as +possible. It will be interesting for the best man and the maid of honor +to have a little chat together after twenty-five years. + +The husband leads the way to the dining room with his wife on his arm, +and she sits at the right of him at the table. If the historic wedding +cake is included in the collation, it is placed before the bride, just +as it was twenty-five years ago. The table decorations should be white +and silver, with a touch of green. + +The menu will be the regular formal dinner menu, served and garnished +with a regard for decorative effect. Speeches are in order, and a toast +is usually proposed for the couple. The husband responds with a little +speech in which he honors his wife, and she acknowledges with a smile +that is in itself sufficient eloquence for the occasion. Tiny silver +favors, packed neatly in small white boxes and tied with silver ribbon +are effective novelties at the silver wedding. + + +TIN AND WOODEN WEDDINGS + +A general frolic is in order at the tin wedding. It is rarely +celebrated, in fact, unless the ten-year-married husband and wife wish +to gather together all their old friends and have a jolly good time. +Gifts are usually in the form of tin kitchen utensils, tin +candle-sticks, tin fans, tin ornaments--even tin tables and chairs are +offered as gifts to celebrate the tenth anniversary. A dinner, very +much like the ordinary informal dinner except for the additional "tin" +celebrations, follows the reception. + +Wooden weddings are not very often held, although some very fashionable +ones are recorded in the annals of social history. Rolling-pins, +step-ladders, and wooden kitchen utensils cause much merriment when +presented as gifts, and the occasion is generally one of much pleasant +raillery. Wooden ornaments make very appropriate gifts for this +wedding, and a bit of wood artistically carved is always welcome to the +five-year bride who loves pretty things for the home. + + +THE GOLDEN WEDDING + +To have lived fifty years together, to have shared for fifty years each +other's sorrows, joys and hopes, is to have enjoyed one of the greatest +gifts life has to offer. It is an occasion well worthy of the most +elaborate celebration. + +A golden wedding has a touch of the romantic, a touch of the +sentimental about it. Poets like to write about it; people like to +dream about it. When it becomes a reality, all the world likes to +watch--and wonder. It is a solemn and dignified event and should be +treated as an occasion of the utmost importance. + +The couple should issue pure white cards engraved in gold, announcing +the celebration of the fiftieth anniversary of their wedding day. It is +touching to have the maid of honor and the best man present, if they +are both still living. As many of the original bridal attendants as are +available should be invited, and all the old friends and acquaintances +of the family. There must be no levity, the couple must be treated with +reverence and honor, and the occasion must be given every appearance of +dignified importance. + +Unlike the silver wedding, gifts are always presented to the aged +couple at the golden wedding. Delicate pieces of gold jewelry are +always pleasing to the "bride." The "groom" may be presented with gold +shirt-studs, cuff-links or rings. Gold services, gold chased cups, +golden goblets and golden candle sticks are most appropriate. + +The dinner should be elaborate. A huge wedding cake, inscribed with a +frosting of the surnames and wedding date of the couple is worthy of +holding the place of honor in the center of the table. Once again the +"bride" enjoys the privilege of being the first to cut the cake--and in +or with each slice that is given to the guests there should be some +little golden token, a ring or thimble or tiny jewel box. If this is +too costly, a golden flower such as a daffodil may be placed on each +plate. + +A beautiful and touching sentiment to be observed on the golden wedding +is for the bride to wear something from her wedding day. Perhaps it is +a treasured bit of the bridal veil. Perhaps it is a fan, or a pair of +gloves, or even the wedding dress itself. She also carries a bouquet of +white flowers--as she did fifty years ago on her first wedding day. + + +THE GOLDEN WEDDING A GLORIOUS ACHIEVEMENT + +Beautiful indeed is the celebration of the golden wedding. With her +children and grandchildren and friends grouped around her, with her +husband at her side, doing her every honor he might pay a newly-won +bride, the bride of fifty years can be naught but inexpressibly +happy--though memories of lost youth rise constantly to haunt her. It +is glorious--this reaching fifty years of married life--and any couple +may well be proud to commemorate its occasion. + +And, after all, isn't it happiness that makes life worth while? Of what +use is wealth and power and position if we cannot have the ones we +love, the ones who love us? The man and woman who have lived together +in happy companionship for fifty years have more in their love of each +other than the man who has lived alone for fifty years and amassed +tremendous riches. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +THE BRIDE'S OUTFIT + + +ORIGIN OF THE TROUSSEAU + +One must study the marriage customs of many countries before the +development of the trousseau idea can be fully traced. But it is +interesting--especially to the bride--to discover that at her +impressive marriage ceremony to-day she is merely repeating the ancient +customs of her ancestors, so very far back that Europe itself was not +yet known. + +We find the first trace of it in the book of Genesis (Gen. xxiv. 53). +Perhaps you remember the story. Abraham's servant Eliezer brought +handsome jewels to Rebecca as a seal to the marriage compact. It is one +of the earliest evidences of outfitting for the wedding. And then we +find a trace of it among the early Eskimos, where the bridegroom must +supply his bride with all the clothes necessary for the "honeymoon." +Later, in Roumania, we find the clothes and shoes are a very important +part of the gifts to the bride. Largely from the customs practiced in +this latter country, but also from Italy, Sweden, and Greece, the idea +of the marriage trousseau sprang. + +The development is most marked in Roumania. Here we find the tiniest +girls, some of them as young as five years, working on bridal +finery--each one striving to outdo the other in beauty and elaboration +of work. Each finished article is laid carefully away in a huge chest, +until such time as a suitor appears. In days gone by, the bridegroom +had the privilege of examining the trousseau and deciding whether or +not it was complete, and often his choice rested upon the worth of the +bride's outfit. + +Perhaps it was because a complete outfit was so very necessary to the +young girl starting out upon her new duties as a wife that the +development of the trousseau has been so rapid. In the year 1308, at +the wedding of Edward II to Isabella of France, the trousseau played an +important part indeed. Here is a description of the bride's outfit, as +taken from E. L. Urlin's book, "A Short History of Marriage:" + + "She (Isabella) brought two gold crowns ornamented with gems, gold + and silver drinking vessels, golden spoons and fifty silver plates. + Her dresses were made of gold and silver stuff, velvet and + taffetas. She had six dresses of green cloth, six of rose scarlet + and many costly furs. For linen she had 419 yards, and the + tapestries for her chamber were elaborate with the arms of England + and France woven in gold." + +Elaborate, yes, and certainly "fit for a queen." But perhaps we find +the trousseaux of our misses of the twentieth century more interesting! + + +THE TROUSSEAU OF TO-DAY + +It would be ridiculous to attempt to list the articles that must be +included in the trousseau of the bride of to-day. This matter must be +entirely dependent upon circumstances, means and convenience. There can +be no definite set of rules to govern the contents of one's wedding +outfit. But there are certain conventionalities we can discuss that may +be of value to the bride in preparing for her wedding. + +There is, of course, something very beautiful in the thought of making +one's trousseau entirely by hand. And there is an old tradition about +"sewing happiness into the wedding outfit" that brides like to believe. +But when we glance at the shop windows with their lavish displays of +the daintiest creations, and when we think of the professional modiste +with her developed sense of the artistic, we must admit that it is not +a practical custom. + +It used to be the practice for each young girl to have a "hope chest" +into which she put linens, etc., against the wedding day. This was +during the time when most of the trousseaux were made by hand. + +It seems rather a foolish waste of time for the girl of moderate means +to sit for endless hours sewing on rows and rows of lace when machine +made garments may be had at reasonable figures. If she chooses her +things carefully they will bear the stamp of her personality almost as +much as if she had fashioned them herself; and, of course, there are +many finishing touches that she can add which make the things +peculiarly her own, such as initials and monograms, crocheted edges, +etc. + +It is gratifying to note that the trousseau of to-day does not contain +such frilly, useless things as did the trousseaux of our grandmothers' +time. Linens boast deep folds of the material and neat hemstitching +instead of huge borders and inserts of lace. Under-things are made and +bought with a regard for wear and utility, rather than merely to be +pretty to look at. The entire outfit shows a tendency to be more useful +and less ornamental. Which is, of course, as it should be. + +And now let us consider some of the more important items to be +included. + + +ABOUT THE LINENS + +In selecting her linens the bride should pay particular attention to +quality; the amount she buys depends upon the size of the new home, and +upon the means at her command. There must be sheets and pillow-cases; +bath towels and kitchen towels, napkins and table-covers. If she is +fond of handwork, there may be hand-embroidered linens for the +bed-spreads, hand-embroidered linen scarfs and hand-embroidered +centerpieces of linen. One bride we know included a twenty-yard bolster +of uncut linen in her trousseau in addition to the items mentioned +above. If one can afford it, it is best to start out with a generous +supply of linens, as somehow the older they grow, the longer we have +them, the more precious they become. + +Linens are usually initialed. When household and personal linens are +marked, they bear the initials of the bride's maiden name. Towels for +the bath are marked with a single initial in white or colored thread, +to match the border. Table-covers, if initialed at all, have the +letters placed in the center, half-way between the middle and edge of +the table; napkins are initialed in the corner. White linens are +invariably initialed in white. + + +FOR THE BRIDE + +"Girl, do not exult in thy wedding dress; see how much trouble lurks +behind it," says an old Syrian proverb. But where is the little +American bride who does not exult in her dainty wedding things--who +does not glory in the silks and cottons and laces and ribbons of her +trousseau? Always a lover of the beautiful--especially in clothes--she +finds a new charm in these pretty things that portend so much happiness +to come. + +There are her underthings--soft, frivolous, much-beribboned chemises, +camisoles and petticoats. Some are of practical muslin or soft, crinkly +crêpe. Others are of rich _crêpe-de-chine_, and lately, knitted +undergarments of silk are favored. Then, there are the dresses, her +chief delight. There is one smart street dress of serge or poiret +twill; an afternoon frock or two of taffeta, georgette or satin as she +prefers; one elaborate evening gown for important occasions, and one +very much less elaborate for semi-evening affairs. And if she is a wise +bride, she will include a smart dark-colored suit, with several fluffy +little blouses. Then, of course, there are the crisp, neat, becoming +little frocks for the morning-at-home. But she should not make the +mistake, which is all too common to brides, of getting several times as +much as she needs. + +Other details, such as hose, shoes and hats are best decided by the +bride herself. In fact, the entire trousseau must be determined by the +bride in proportion to such important considerations as her means, the +length of the honeymoon, and the distance of the trip she expects to +make. The items above were offered as a suggestion, and one may add or +detract according to the dictates of common sense. It is suggested, +however, that the trousseau be small and carefully selected, rather +than large and expensive, for the fashions are constantly changing and +not even so momentous an occasion as one's wedding warrants heedless +extravagance. + + +THE WEDDING DRESS + +The origin of the white gown for the bride is not very difficult to +trace. White, since time immemorial, has been the color used to denote +purity. White animals, in certain countries, are held sacred, just as +the white flowers are sacred elsewhere. The exclusive use of white for +the bride is supposed to have grown out of an old custom of the +Patagonians, who cover the body with white paint on the eve of the +wedding ceremony. + +To-day the keynote of the wedding gown is simplicity. The days of +elaborate gowns with trains so heavy with the weight of precious jewels +that eight girls had to carry them, is over. The sensible American +bride knows that simplicity is more becoming to the solemn dignity of +the occasion than extremely elaborate dress. + +With styles constantly changing as they do, it would be of no value to +offer any description here. However, this little item, taken from the +announcement of a fashionable wedding recently held, may offer some +helpful suggestions: "The gown in which Miss ---- became the Countess +---- was of heavy white satin cut with an almost austere simplicity. +The drapery of the skirt was marked with a garland of lilies and +orange-blossoms. The tulle veil was bordered with old English point +lace, an heirloom of the ---- family." + +From a study of the descriptions of other bridal gowns at recent +important weddings, we find that satin is without doubt the favorite +material. _Crêpe-de-chine_ and heavy white brocade are also used; +and the bride may select whichever material she likes best, something +soft and clinging unless she is inclined to be too slender, when +taffeta is more suitable. Undoubtedly, no matter what the style of the +gown happens to be, it should boast a train; and a draped skirt is +always a popular wedding mode. The length of the sleeves and skirt is +entirely governed by the fashion of the moment. + +White satin slippers and white gloves enhance the simple beauty of the +wedding gown. Jewels are rarely worn, except, perhaps, one large gem--a +gift of the groom. + + +THE BRIDE'S VEIL + +According to the marriage rites of the ancient Hebrews, ordained in +days when marriage itself was unknown in many countries, a canopy must +be held over the bride and groom by four intimate friends of the +family. Later, we find that this custom among the early Hebrews, +presaged an Anglo-Saxon custom of erecting a "care cloth" (a square +vestment) above the bride and groom. Out of this developed that of +covering the bride alone; to-day the beautiful bridal veil is the +result of those ancient customs. + +Not so long ago, the veil was of tulle, and from the top of the bride's +head it fell over her shoulders, completely enveloping her to the very +tips of her shoes. This all-enveloping veil is no longer considered +good form. In its place, is the very charming veil that is gathered +into a becoming, flower-trimmed crown at the back of her head, falling +gracefully to the train of the dress, leaving the face entirely +uncovered. + +The veil is always of filmy material. Tulle is favored; and lace is +particularly beautiful, especially if it is old lace that has been a +long time in the bride's family. However, tulle is preferable to +imitation lace. Orange blossoms or tiny lilies-of-the-valley may be +entwined around the crown of the head, a spray or two nestling in the +folds of the veil. + + +WEDDING FLOWERS + +Important, indeed, is the bride's bouquet. Many a delicate flower +pressed between the leaves of a book and cherished in mind and heart +alike is silent and eloquent proof of this fact. + +The most conventional form is the shower bouquet. This is a veritable +cascade of flowers and ribbon; white roses, orange-blossoms or +lilies-of-the-valley--or a combination of all three--are massed +together in the center, entwined with narrow satin ribbon. From this +"heart of flowers" lengths of ribbon wound around individual flowers +trail almost to the hem of the bride's gown. It produces a most +charming effect. + +Often an ordinary bouquet of flowers is carried, which is just as +pretty if not as elaborate as the shower bouquet. Green foliage is, of +course, permissible; but there is a tendency against flowers of bright +hues. Appearing entirely in white, is one of the customs which, +ordinarily, the bride should observe, not only for the traditions woven +around it, but the suggestions of sweet dignity, purity and girlishness +that are associated with it. Lilies are appealing bridal flowers for +this same reason. + +An exception is the civil wedding, or the hurried, simple wedding when +the bride is attired in traveling costume. But this will be taken up in +detail in a later paragraph. + + +DRESS OF THE MAID OF HONOR + +Satin is the most favored material for the dress of the maid of honor. +It may be white, trimmed with pale colors, or it may be entirely pale +pink or pale blue or some other becoming color. On no occasion may the +maid of honor be dressed in pure white. + +Her dress is always different from those worn by the bridesmaids. The +style is a matter of taste and prevalent fashion. If the wedding takes +place at noon in a church, the gown is either sleeveless or with very +short sleeves, and it may or may not have a train, according to the +taste of the wearer. Like the bride, she wears white gloves and carries +flowers. + +If the wedding is held in the afternoon or evening, at home, the maid +of honor's gown is less formal. It may be a dainty afternoon frock of +taffeta or satin, sometimes embroidered georgette dresses are +worn--that is, for the afternoon alone. When it is in the evening, a +silk gown may be worn. + + +MARRYING IN TRAVELING DRESS + +Very often, when a wedding takes place before twelve o'clock, or when +because of a difference of religious opinion the ceremony is performed +by a Justice of the Peace, or when the wedding is to be a very simple +one, or when for a number of other possible reasons the bride wishes it +she wears a smart traveling suit instead of the white wedding gown. + +The suit should be conservative in style and color. Flowers should be +in the form of a corsage. Neither bouquets nor cut flowers are carried +when one is in traveling costume. Instead of a suit a dress may be worn +but it must be an attractive afternoon frock or street dress, not an +evening dress of any sort. + +When the bride is a widow marrying for the second time her dress is +characterized by extreme simplicity whether the wedding takes place in +the afternoon or evening. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +FUNERALS + + +FUNERAL CUSTOMS + +There is no more eloquent commentary on the vanity of human wishes than +the pomp and ceremony which, since the first syllable of recorded time +have attended funeral services. Kings and emperors have erected +splendid mausoleums in which they and their families might be buried, +Pharaohs have kept slaves at work for twenty years on a pyramid beneath +whose stones their bones might rest, savages in lonely forests have +builded great mounds under which their chiefs may wait for the time to +go to the Happy Hunting grounds. Slave and emperor, prince and +pauper--it is all the same. Last week in New York a woman died in the +ward where they treat patients free of charge, yet for more than +fifteen years she had been paying premiums on an insurance policy which +would permit her to have a funeral "as good as anybody's funeral." +Three weeks ago a boy in a small town in Iowa spent nearly all he had +in defraying the expenses of the funeral of his mother. In this case, +and indeed in many another, a simple ceremony would have been far more +appropriate, for even in paying the last tributes of respect to the +dead there must be the saving grace of common sense. It is like +salt--everything is the better for a pinch of it. + +Recently a candidate for the Doctor's degree at one of the largest +universities in the country chose for the subject of his thesis +"Funeral Customs throughout the Ages." It is too large a subject for us +to enter into here, and it would profit us little, for the day of hired +mourners and splendid pageantry together with obtrusive music and +gorgeous flowers is past. Simplicity characterizes the entire service +among well-bred people everywhere. The music is soft and the flowers in +many cases are sent to the hospitals where they may gladden the +sufferers there instead of being allowed to wilt neglected on the +grave. More often than not, nowadays, there is added to the notice of +the funeral which is inserted in the newspapers the sentence, "Please +omit flowers." + +Even in the most primitive times it was felt that the dead were going +forth on a long, long journey from which they would never return, and +their friends wanted to do whatever they could to speed them along the +way. It was in this manner that the custom of offering gifts to the +dead came about. These gifts range all the way from food and household +utensils to clothing, weapons and money. The money was sometimes gold, +sometimes silver and sometimes paper, but in most instances it was to +serve as a tip to the ferryman who was to row them across the river +that separates this life from the next. + + +THE FUNERAL OF TO-DAY + +Not long ago a New York newspaper devoted a full page in its magazine +section to an article called "A King's Mother Buried." The purpose of +the article was to reveal forcibly the mockery of some of our elaborate +funerals of to-day, and show how they are proportionately no more +civilized than those barbarous rituals of the early days. The story is +worthy of repetition here. + +A certain savage queen was murdered by her son. To convince the people +that she had died a natural death, the son made her burial especially +elaborate and impressive. First a huge hole was dug in the ground, in +which the dead queen was placed in an upright position. Beside her was +placed a large jug of water. And into this great hole were placed also +ten young girls, who were to be buried alive to accompany the dead +queen upon her journey. The hole was then covered with earth, and above +it thousands of men were set to fighting each other until the ground +was soaked with blood. This was not only to honor the dead queen, but +to keep ill-luck away from the king. + +You are horrified when you read about this savage burial. You wonder at +the superstitious ignorance that allows ten girls to be buried alive, +and thousands of young men to be slaughtered, merely in honor of a +murdered queen and her brutal son. But considering the knowledge of +those savages and our knowledge to-day, their education and our +education, we find that we are entitled to no excessive praise. The +funerals to-day are often comparatively as ridiculous and uncivilized, +though the tendency is certainly toward better things. + +To give one specific instance, there is the widow who spends every +dollar left her by a departed husband to pay for an elaborate funeral +for him. In the eyes of the world, he must be buried "right"; and +though it leaves her in debt, she makes an impressive funeral service. +Would it not have been more sensible to bury him simply and +unostentatiously, preserving a little of the money left her for the +necessities of life? It is one of the ironies of life that often more +attention and honor are paid to the dead than they ever receive in +life. + +If we study present-day funerals carefully we will find that they have +much in common with those savage burials of other days. It is because +we do things merely because others did the same things before us. We +have certain beliefs because tradition says they are true, and +therefore, no matter how absurd they are, they are _right_, and we +must hold to them with the same fervor of conviction that makes the +savage cling to his. + + +WHEN DEATH ENTERS THE FAMILY + +Aside from its psychological aspects--those entailing fear, +superstition and the belief in religious and traditional customs--death +brings with it heartache and sorrow. To lose a beloved one in death is +to be conscious of the intangible something that binds the world +together, and upon which all civilization is based. We call it love; +and we know that it is the deepest tie of affection--indeed, the +deepest emotion--of which human nature is capable. + +And so, death brings with it sorrow and misery. Those of us who are +most directly concerned can think of no rules of etiquette, no customs +of good society, when we are suffering a deep bereavement. We think +only of our great loss, and of our great sorrow. That is why it is +necessary for us all to know the rules of correct conduct, so that when +death does enter our household we will instinctively do what is +correct. It is a test like this that shows innate good breeding. + +One great rule to remember, for those who come in contact with people +who have lost a beloved member of the family, is that sorrow is sacred, +and that it is one of the most unforgivable breaches of good behavior +to intrude upon it. A note of condolence, or a brief visit is a +necessary social duty; but constant intrusion upon grief is as unkind +and inconsiderate as it is ill-bred. + + +TAKING CHARGE + +The world over, funeral customs have one factor in common: the belief +that the dead man has not ceased to live. This belief finds expression +in rites and ceremonies. It is for this reason that funeral and +mourning practices are highly conventional. Another reason, perhaps, is +because death is a shock, and a round of conventional ceremonies +alleviates that strained feeling during the period of readjustment. + +Thus, the members of the bereaved family should be left as nearly alone +to their grief as possible. Nothing in the nature of business should be +thrust upon them. A male member of the family should take complete +charge; or the immediate duties may be left in the hands of the nearest +outside relatives. But whoever does take charge should see that the +family is not troubled with the minor details, and that the funeral +ceremony is carried out according to the family's preconfided wishes. + +The duties of the person, or persons, who take charge are many and +varied. The first duty is to see that all the blinds are drawn and that +the door-bell is muffled. Proper announcements must be made in the +newspapers, pall-bearers must be selected, and the arrangements must be +made with the sexton for the funeral itself. The clergyman who is to +officiate must be interviewed and all the details concerning services, +music and decorations of the church must be determined. Upon the person +in charge also rests the duty of seeing that the undertaker does not +take advantage of his authority to the extent of making the funeral +unduly lavish. + +It is within the power of the person who takes charge at a funeral to +mitigate considerably the grief of the family. And it is a service that +the family will not soon forget. + + +ANNOUNCING THE DEATH + +Modern funeral customs demand a few lines in the newspapers making +public announcement of a death. Attendant ceremonies are also included +for the benefit of friends and acquaintances of the family. Following +is a typical announcement of a death, copied with only a change in +names from the newspaper: + + Radcliff--At her residence, 410 West Fiftieth Street, Rose Speyer + Radcliff, daughter of James and Helen Wilson Speyer, and beloved + wife of Robert L. Radcliff. Funeral services in the Chapel of St. + Bartholomew's Church, Park Avenue and Fiftieth Street, New York + City, on Saturday morning, 11 o'clock. Interment at Waterbury, + Conn. + +When an announcement of this kind appears in the newspapers all friends +and relatives of the family are expected to appear at St. Bartholomew's +Church on Saturday morning at 11 o'clock to attend the services. If the +words "Funeral private" or "Interment private" are added to the +announcement, it is the height of ill-breeding for any except very +intimate friends and relatives to be present. Very often the request +"Kindly omit flowers," or "Please omit flowers" is added to the +announcement of a death. In this event it is still the privilege of a +friend to send flowers to some member of the family or to the family as +a whole after the funeral ceremony has taken place. + + +SOME NECESSARY PREPARATIONS + +Where there are servants, one should be stationed at the door to +receive cards and messages. Otherwise this duty devolves upon the +person who is taking charge. The servant should wear a black gown, +white collar and cuffs and a white apron and white cap with black +ribbons. If a man-servant is stationed at the door he wears a complete +black livery. + +With the growing taste for privacy and simplicity, many of the foolish +demonstrations of grief, expressed in outward display, have been +eliminated. It is now a very rare occurrence for the room in which the +dead body lies to be filled with wreaths and masses of flowers, for +people are beginning to realize that this is a relic of ancient and +savage burial customs, and that it is not so much a manifestation of +grief as a display of vanity. Of course it is a pretty way of +expressing sentiment to send a floral offering to some one who has +died; but modern principles of good conduct acclaim it better taste, +and certainly more dignified, to express these sentiments of regard in +some other way. A short expression of sorrow appearing as a semi-public +announcement in the newspaper after the announcement of the death may +be offered by a group of friends or business associates but it is not +good form for a member of the family of the deceased to insert such an +announcement in the papers. Family grief is private; and publicity +cheapens it. + +The somber crêpe announcing to the world that a death has occurred in +the family is also fast becoming a thing of the past. One can easily +see in this custom of crêpe-hanging a relic of that custom of ancient +Patagonia that required all belongings of the deceased to be painted +black. Even the body of the person who died was covered with black +paint. The black crêpe of to-day is merely another form of that same +custom. Now, instead of the broad black ribbon, a wreath or long sprays +of white or lilac flowers are entwined around the flowing ends of white +ribbon. This is especially appropriate when the deceased is a young +person--man or woman. For a girl of tender years, or for a very young +child, a sheaf of white roses or white carnations with white ribbons +should be used; roses and violets with a white ribbon, or roses with a +black ribbon denote the death of an older unmarried man or woman. The +plain crêpe streamers are usually used for married people. Custom still +demands this flower-and-ribbon tribute to the dead on the door of his +or her residence, but gradually this custom, too, will be relegated to +the forgotten things of the past. + + +THE LADIES OF THE FAMILY + +A close friend or relative of the bereaved family should make the +necessary purchases for the women members of that family. It is +considered bad form for them to be seen abroad before the funeral. A +dressmaker should be summoned to the house if orders are to be given +for mourning dress. + +The duty of writing necessary notes and seeing callers also devolves +upon some intimate relative or friend. Notes or letters written in the +name of the family are on either black-edged or plain white paper, and +signed with the names of the people for whom they are written. Thus, if +Mrs. Carr's husband has died, and her cousin is attending to the +incident preparations and duties, the notes and letters written for +Mrs. Carr would be signed with her name and not the name of the cousin, +but with the initials of the cousin beneath the signature. + +The ladies of a bereaved family should not see callers, even the most +intimate friends, unless they are able to control their grief. It is a +source of discomfort to the visitor, as well as to the mourner, to +enact a scene of semi-hysteria in the drawing-room. Yet, at a time like +this, one can hardly be expected to be in full control of one's +emotions. Therefore it is always wise for the women to keep to their +rooms until after the funeral. + + +THE PALL-BEARERS + +If a guard of honor is to be appointed, the person in charge should +consult the wishes of the immediate family. Those who are asked to +serve receive an invitation by note or by messenger, sent either by the +head of the family of the deceased or by the person in charge. +Relatives are seldom appointed as pall-bearers. A request to serve as +pall-bearer should be refused only for the most imperative reasons. + +The number and age of the pall-bearers is a matter of taste and not of +obligation. But it is considered good form to have six young girls, +dressed in white, as the guard of honor for a young girl or woman. They +should be selected from among intimate friends. Similarly, six young +men are appropriate for a young man who has died; while for an elderly +married man, eight gentlemen from among his closest friends and +business associates form the usual guard of honor. + +The pall-bearers, in the invitation, are told just when they are +expected to assemble at the house of the deceased, and they should make +it a particular point to be on time. There can be no greater breach of +good manners, and in fact no greater unkindness, than to keep a funeral +party waiting. If the pall-bearers are to be women, the carriages or +cars may be sent for them individually; but as a general rule, +pall-bearers are shown to their carriage or car before the door, when +the funeral procession begins. + +It is customary for all who attend a church funeral to assemble at the +church, but this rule does not pertain to the pall-bearers. They are +the only ones who accompany the immediate family and relatives from the +house. Unless a special request to the contrary has been made, +pall-bearers may send flowers if they wish. + + +DUTIES OF PALL-BEARERS + +A prompt answer is necessary upon receipt of an invitation to serve as +pall-bearer. Illness or absence from town at the time of the funeral +are the only excuses for refusing to accept the invitation. The written +answer must be followed by a personal call at the home of the deceased, +and cards must be left. + +Formerly the duty of the pall-bearer was to carry the cloth or velvet +pall that covered the coffin--hence the name. Later the custom +developed into a more important duty--the pall-bearers actually carried +the casket into and out of the church. This is still done, although now +the accepted form is for the pall-bearers to appear solely as a guard +of honor for the dead. + +In this latter case, they walk before the casket which is carried by +the undertaker's or sexton's assistants. They halt before the hearse +and stand in silent reverence with heads uncovered, while the casket is +being placed into it, and again when it is taken out to be conveyed +into the church. They do not enter their cars until the hearse has +passed on ahead. + +Each pall-bearer should speak a few words of condolence to the members +of the bereaved family. However, he must not make obvious efforts to +observe this duty, nor must he intrude upon grief. He offers his words +of comfort only when it is convenient and when he is brought, by his +duties, into the presence of his sorrowing friends. He should be kind, +and most of all, tactful. He should not say anything that will cause a +fresh outburst of grief. + +A few days after the funeral, it is expected that the pall-bearer call +and leave his card for the mourners. It is necessary only for him to +inquire at the door after the ladies and to leave his card. It is more +considerate not to ask to see the members of the family. + + +THE CHURCH FUNERAL + +Because it is closely allied with religion, the funeral ceremony is +nearly always conducted at church. Of course this is something entirely +dependent upon conditions and personal preferences, but the church +funeral is always more dignified and impressive. + +The pall-bearers and nearest relatives of the deceased assemble at the +house. Otherwise, all who are to attend the funeral assemble at the +church. The casket is borne from the house by the undertaker's +assistants, the pall-bearers preceding it two-by-two. As soon as the +hearse drives off, the pall-bearers enter the carriages or cars +immediately behind it, and the relatives follow in the next cars in the +order of their relationship. + +When the procession is ready to move, the music begins and the casket +is borne down the aisle to the altar by the sexton's assistants. +Sometimes the pall-bearers carry the casket to the altar. + + +ORDER OF PRECEDENCE + +When attending the body of their child, parents walk arm in arm, their +other children following immediately behind them in the order of +seniority. Pall-bearers invariably precede the casket. A widow attends +the body of her husband on the arm of her eldest son or daughter, with +her other children just behind. After them come the deceased man's +parents, followed by his brothers and sisters. Similarly, a widower +follows the body of his wife attended by his eldest son or daughter. +Children following the body of their only parent take precedence +according to their ages, the elder always leading. A widow who has no +children follows her husband on the arm of a brother or other near +masculine relative. + +During the services at the church, the relatives occupy the front pews +on the right of the center aisle. The pall-bearers sit in the opposite +pews on the left-hand side. After the services the procession leaves +the church in the same order observed upon entering. If prayers are to +be offered at the grave, the car of the clergyman follows immediately +after the hearse. + +Different religions have different burial services, but these are +matters of faith rather than of etiquette. + + +THE HOUSE FUNERAL + +A house funeral should always be very simple. Few flowers are used by +people of good taste. + +At a house funeral, a number of folding-chairs may be provided by the +undertaker. The casket is placed on a draped stand at one end of the +drawing-room, such flowers as are used being placed on and around it. +The room may or may not be darkened according to the wishes of the +family. Each guest should be greeted at the door by some representative +of the family and shown to a seat in the drawing-room. A row of seats +should be reserved near the casket for the immediate family, one being +set aside for the clergyman who is to officiate. Though it is not +obligatory it is very courteous to send a carriage or an automobile for +him. A Protestant clergyman does not expect a fee but if he has come +some distance or if the family wishes to express their thanks in that +manner they may offer one which he is privileged to accept with perfect +propriety. + +It is not necessary to appoint pall-bearers for a home funeral. A quiet +reserve and dignity should characterize the occasion, and it should be +carried out with the greatest amount of expediency possible. If music +is desired, the musicians or choristers should be in an adjacent room +and the notes should be very low and soft. + +Women do not remove their wraps during the ceremony, and men carry +their hats in their hands. The women members of the bereaved family +enter on the arms of masculine relatives, and if they intend going to +the cemetery, they wear their hats and veils. The members of the +family, however, do not enter the drawing-room until the clergyman +arrives. + +After the ceremony the guests quietly disperse, only those remaining +who intend going to the cemetery. It is not expected that expressions +of sympathy be offered on this occasion; cards are left for the family +immediately after the announcement of the death, and a call of +condolence is made, according to society's rules, within a week after +the funeral. Thus it is superfluous to offer sympathy at the services, +unless one is a very dear friend and wishes particularly to do so. + + +A POINT OF IMPORTANCE + +Very often the women of the family, or perhaps just one woman, finds +her grief uncontrollable. Even though the funeral is private, and only +relatives and close friends are present it is the privilege of the +bereaved to keep to her room and find solace in solitude. The world +will not censure her for being absent; it is a time when petty +conventions may safely be overlooked. When one is grieving, suffering, +miserable; and prefers to find peace alone, without the sympathies of +others, she has every right in the world to do so. And she is breaking +no rules of good conduct, either, for people of good breeding will +recognize the depth of her overpowering grief. + +Surely it is better to remain away from the services than to go in a +state of hysteria. When sorrow is so poignant, private home services +are usually held, in which case the immediate members of the family may +gather in a room adjoining that in which the guests are assembled. Even +in the deepest grief it is possible to remember and observe the great +law--"be calm, be silent and serene," and tears do not always mean +sorrow, nor loud wailing, grief. + + +REMOVING SIGNS OF GRIEF + +Upon their return from the funeral, the family should find the windows +open with the warm sunlight streaming through them and all outward +signs of sorrow removed. The ribbon and flowers on the door are +generally taken down as soon as the procession leaves. + +In the house, all signs of the bereavement should be effaced. The +furniture should be placed in its usual order. Everything connected +with the funeral must be out of sight. The members of the family should +be greeted with nothing, upon their return, that would possibly give +cause for fresh sorrow. A considerate friend or relative should stay +behind to attend to these details. It is not enough to leave everything +in the hands of the undertaker and his assistants. + +But even relatives should remember that the bereaved ones will want to +be by themselves, and that solitude is often the greatest solace for +grief. + + +SECLUSION DURING MOURNING + +For three weeks after a bereavement, women seclude themselves and +receive no visitors except their most intimate friends. After this they +are expected to be sufficiently resigned to receive the calls of +condolence of their friends and acquaintances. They themselves make no +visits until six months after the death. + +While wearing crêpe veil and crêpe-trimmed gowns, a woman should +refrain from taking part in all social gaieties. After the crêpe has +been discarded, she may attend concerts, dinners and luncheons, and the +theater; but she attends no large social functions or fashionable +dinners until at least a year after the date of death. The usual round +of social duties, including balls and the opera, are not resumed until +colors are once again adopted. + +A man does not observe the etiquette of mourning as rigidly as his wife +or daughter; but it is necessary to mention here that it is exceedingly +bad form for him to resume his active social duties, such as club +dinners and entertainments, the theater, calls, small dinners with +friends, until at least two months have elapsed. If business permits, +he may observe ten days or two weeks of absolute seclusion. + + +DRESS AT FUNERALS + +Those who attend the funeral should not appear in gay or +brightly-colored clothes, in deference for the feelings of the +sorrowing relatives. Women who wear simple, unrelieved black display an +excellent taste although any subdued color is equally good. Gentlemen +should wear either complete suits of black, or those of material dark +enough to be suited to the solemnity of the occasion. Gray trousers +with a black cutaway are permissible. A quiet hat, gloves and necktie +are worn. Vivid colors, either on a man or woman, show a disregard for +the feeling of the mourners, a lack of respect for oneself, and a +distinct ignorance of the laws of good conduct. It is not a gala +occasion and levity of any sort is atrociously bad form. + + +INTERMENT AND CREMATION + +Etiquette has nothing to say with regard to the disposal of the body of +the deceased. Whether it is to be interred or cremated, whether the +casket shall rest in a grave or a vault or a mausoleum or whether the +ashes shall be preserved in an urn or scattered upon a well-loved river +or hill or upon some other chosen spot is entirely a matter of personal +preference. + +But etiquette unites with the laws of beauty and refined sentiment in +protesting against the erecting of hideous monuments with absurd +inscriptions. The purpose of the tombstone is to mark the resting place +and to bear the name and the date of the birth and death of the person +who lies beneath it. If the life itself has not left a record that will +last a marble slab will not do much to perpetuate it. Sometimes there +is a special achievement or a mark of distinction which may with +propriety be cut into the stone or the family of the deceased may +inscribe thereupon an expression of their grief or love; but flowery +inscriptions belong to the past and since there are no words that can +adequately express the grief of a sorrowing family for one who has died +it is perhaps best not to attempt it. + +The hour at which the interment is to take place is appointed to suit +the convenience of the family. In cities where a multiplicity of duties +makes attendance in the daytime difficult it is customary to have +evening services, but under all other circumstances the funeral is +scheduled to take place during the day. + + +MOURNING DRESS + +Grief turns instinctively to the somber garments of mourning for the +slight measure of comfort which they give, but modern ideas of +enlightened civilization look with disfavor on long crêpe veils and any +other form of mourning that is so pronounced as to be ostentatious. +Black is very depressing, especially to young children, and a mother, +however deep her sorrow because of the death of one of her children +should keep this in mind and should, at any rate, not wear black every +day. If she likes she may wear mourning when she leaves the house. It +is a sort of protection, for strangers and thoughtless friends will not +be so likely to make remarks that will wound, if they have the black +dress to remind them of the bereavement which the mother has suffered. +Under any other circumstances the wearing of colors at home and black +abroad is a form of hypocrisy, and is, of course, to be deplored. + +Black fabrics for mourning should not have a shiny finish nor should +they be trimmed except in the simplest way possible. Serge, cloth, +duvetyn, Canton crêpe, pongee, chiffon, and georgette are appropriate +but one should avoid velvets and most fur trimmings. The most suitable +furs are plain black seal, fox, lynx, etc., though others may be worn. +Bright linings are not permissible. + +A woman in mourning does not wear jewelry aside from the wedding and +engagement rings. Dull bar pins may be used whenever needed and a +brooch, plain or set with pearl, may be worn. Dress accessories should +be of dull black, purse, gloves, etc. Handkerchiefs may have a black +border or they may be pure white. + +The length of the mourning period depends upon the tie which existed +between the deceased and the bereaved. Except for an elderly woman +whose husband has died and who never intends taking off black the +longest period is usually two years, the first in deep mourning, the +next in "second mourning" during which time gray, lavender, purple and +black-and-white may be worn. This may be shortened at discretion to six +months of deep mourning followed by six months of semi-mourning or +three months of deep mourning and six of half mourning. The change from +black to colors should never be so abrupt as to be startling. + +A girl does not wear mourning for her fiancé except under extenuating +circumstances. If he died on the eve of the wedding it is permissible +but if the date for the wedding had not been set or if the engagement +had not been announced it is questionable form for her to go into +mourning for him. It is a very delicate matter and the final court of +appeals is the young lady herself. But she should remember that the +garments of mourning are after all only a symbol of grief and she +should hesitate a long time before assuming them. Her mourning outfit +is like that of a widow and she wears it for the same length of time. + +Children should never wear black. Upon the death of a parent they may +wear white perhaps relieved by lavender for six months or so. They do +not use mourning stationery and they do not carry black bordered +handkerchiefs. A girl fifteen or sixteen may wear delicate grays, +lavenders, and mixed goods as well as white, but she should not wear +black. + +There is no iron-clad rule concerning mourning, and one may or may not +wear it. Even a widow, a daughter, or a mother is under no compulsion +to do so, though to appear in bright colors shortly after the death of +a beloved one is certainly an evidence of bad taste. + + +MOURNING DRESS FOR MEN + +The mourning outfit for men is not so pronounced as that for women. A +black suit with dull black shoes, black gloves and white linen +constitutes first mourning. Many men use only the black band around the +coat sleeve. The custom grew out of the English practice of having the +servants wear the black band in households that could not afford a +complete mourning outfit, and for this reason has met with disfavor +among the fastidious in this country. It has this much in its favor: it +accomplishes the purpose of full mourning with the added virtue of +economy, and when one's life has to be conducted on a frugal scale it +is better to wear the simple black band than to spend one's substance +foolishly for mourning. + +A widower wears mourning for a year or a year and a half while a man +grieving for some other relative than his wife may wear mourning a year +or six months as he prefers. First mourning consists of a suit of black +with white linen, and dull accessories such as shoes, gloves, cuff +links, etc. The hat may have a crêpe border but it should not be a very +wide one. For second mourning his suit is of gray or black, with gray +gloves, white linen, etc. Men should never carry black bordered +handkerchiefs. A man wears mourning for a wife, a child, a parent, or a +brother or sister the length of time depending upon the strength of the +bond which held them together. + + +MOURNING STATIONERY + +White stationery of a good quality is correct for _all_ occasions +and mourning is no exception. That which has a narrow black border is +good but a border nearly an inch wide is in bad taste. After three +months have passed gray stationery is permissible. + +Since there are no formal invitations issued during the period of +mourning there are no special forms for them. There are, however, in +addition to the regular mourning stationery cards acknowledging +expressions of sympathy. These may be had from any up-to-date +stationer's. They may or may not have the black border. The following +is an example of such a card: + + _Mr. and Mrs. N. C. Graham + thank you for your kind expression of sympathy + during their recent bereavement._ + +The visiting card may have an unobtrusive border of black. The border +on this and on the stationery may be lessened from time to time during +the period of mourning or it may remain the same until it is discarded +altogether. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +CHRISTENINGS + + +ANNOUNCING THE BIRTH OF THE CHILD + +When a child is born the mother and father announce the fact to their +friends by means of cards. These may be obtained in the prevailing +style from any good stationer. Sometimes only one card is sent bearing +the names of the parents and that of the child or the word, "Son" or +"Daughter" if the name has not been decided upon. Another fashion which +has become standard is the use of two cards, one somewhat larger than +the ordinary visiting card and attached to it by a tiny white ribbon +one very much smaller bearing the name of the infant. There are also +dainty and attractive cards specially designed for the occasion. While +these are not so formal as the plain white cards they are, when chosen +with discrimination, very delightful and almost as personal as a note. +Notes are usually sent only to one's most intimate friends. + + +RESPONDING TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT + +Friends of the parents will, of course, hasten to congratulate them +upon their good fortune. They may send flowers, magazines, jellies, +etc., to the mother and to the youngster some little article pleasing +because of its beauty or its utility. Gifts are not necessary, however, +and a warm and sincere note expressing one's happiness at the good +fortune of the parents is quite sufficient. The note _must not be +perfunctory_. You must remember that the child of your friend is the +most wonderful infant that ever came to earth to live (and if your +private opinion is to the contrary it is best to keep it private), and +that conventional phrases are entirely inadequate. On the other hand it +will not do to gush. Simplicity and sincerity are the best means to +attain the end desired. + + +GODPARENTS + +In the old world the selection of godparents is a very important duty +and the office of the godfather and the godmother is actual rather than +theoretical; but in this country it has a tendency to become a mere +form. This should not be the case, for it is a high tribute to a friend +to ask him to be the godfather of one's child and it is often an +excellent thing for the child. It assures him at least one friend older +than himself who has a very special interest in his welfare. + +There may be four sponsors, or two, as one chooses, but in America +there are usually only two, a godfather and a godmother. Whenever +possible they should be asked in person and they should never be asked +through a formally engraved card. For the sponsors are always intimate +friends of the mother and father or relatives for whom they feel the +highest regard. It is the interest of the child that is at stake and +this should be taken into consideration by the parents before they make +their final selection. + +The duties of the godparents are not onerous. They promise always to +befriend the child and at the time of the christening they present it +with a gift of some sort--jewelry, garments, carriage or toilette +accessories. They are present at the baptism, if possible, and +accompany the mother and father to the altar. The father and godfather +have little to do beyond lending the grace of their presence to the +occasion. The godmother carries the infant to the altar, resplendent in +his christening robe, and at the proper time hands it to the clergyman. +If there are no sponsors the office of the godmother at the church may +be filled by the baby's nurse or by the mother herself. + + +INVITATIONS TO A CHRISTENING + +The christening is rarely an elaborate affair and the only guests are +relatives and close friends. If it is not too much of a tax on the +mother it is very lovely for her to write personal notes to each guest +asking him or her to be present at the ceremony. If there is to be a +considerable number present engraved cards may be dispatched. Examples +of both the formal and the informal invitation are given below: + + _June 6, 19--_ + + _My dear Grace_, + + _The baby is to be christened next Sunday at four o'clock at the + Brick Church and both Harry and I are anxious to have you present. + I think Harry Jr. would be also if he were old enough to know what + it is all about._ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Alice F. Duncan._ + + _Mr. and Mrs. Harry T. Duncan + request the pleasure of your company + at the christening of their son + on Sunday afternoon, June 6 + at four o'clock + at the Brick Church_ + + +A CHURCH CHRISTENING + +If the christening is to be an occasion of great formality and +elaboration the church should be decorated, not elaborately as for a +wedding but simply and prettily with smilax and ferns and delicate +white flowers or in some other way that will indicate that the event +is for a child and not for an older person. + +The child's christening robe should be simple but exquisite. He may +be brought in more gracefully if he is carried on a pillow or a +_porte-bébé_. + +The mother usually wears a reception gown, hat, and gloves. The women +sponsors are similarly dressed while the masculine guests wear the +prescribed outfit for afternoon receptions, the cutaway coat, etc., +unless the christening takes place in the summer when light flannels +may be substituted. + + +THE HOUSE CHRISTENING + +There is very little difference between a christening that takes place +at home and one at church. The house should be decorated and a font may +be placed in the drawing-room. The mother's gown is less formal than +the one she would wear to the church but the other details are +practically the same. + + +AFTER THE BAPTISM + +After the ceremony is over and the youngster has been duly admired and +sent back to the nursery, there may be a reception or tea or even a +dinner or breakfast, according to the time of the christening, for the +guests. If the baptism took place at church the guests may drive +immediately from there to the home, allowing the automobile containing +the mother and father to precede them by a few minutes. If it took +place at home matters are simplified, for the guests may pass into +another room or the font may be placed to one side. + +If there is a breakfast or luncheon served the clergyman who performed +the ceremony is invited to be present, and whether or not it is +customary to ask a blessing he is requested to pronounce one. He enters +the dining-room with the child's grandmother, or if both grandmothers +are present, with the elder. + + +GIFTS + +Each person who is invited to the christening is expected to remember +the infant with a gift of some sort. In view of the fact that there is +usually nothing that he needs and that he is too young to appreciate +anything, many people give for the future rather than for the present. +Sometimes a friend of the mother will give the infant daughter a silver +spoon, adding duplicates each year after on its birthday or at +Christmas until they form a complete set. Books which he will +appreciate later may be given. Money in the form of gold pieces or +checks is most appropriate and is one of the most popular of gifts. +Carriage and toilette accessories, jewelry, etc., are, of course, +suitable but one should make sure that there is an actual need for +them. Most people nowadays live in a limited amount of space with +neither a garret nor a cellar to store things in. + + + + +PART II + +"_Politeness itself is always the same. The rules of etiquette which +are merely the forms in which it finds expression, vary with time and +place. A sincere regard for the rights of others, in the smallest +matters as well as the largest; genuine kindness of heart; good taste +and self command, which are the foundations of good manners, are never +out of fashion._" + +--_Samuel R. Wells._ + + + + +CHAPTER I + +INTRODUCTIONS + + +PURPOSE OF THE INTRODUCTION + +The days of gallant cavaliers and courteous knights who bowed profusely +and doffed their feathered hats to the very ground when introduced to +ladies of the court are over. To-day, simplicity is the keynote in +introductions--as in everything else. But the significance of those +charming introductions of yore remains. We find that the introduction +of to-day is still made and acknowledged with a certain measured grace +and courtesy of manner. What it lacks in old-time picturesque gallantry +it gains in a new friendliness that is in accord with whole-hearted +warmth for which the Americans are famous. + +Every day, in the social and business worlds alike, there is the +constant need of introducing people correctly. But the correct +introduction does not consist merely of making two strangers known to +each other--perhaps just temporarily. To create an immediate +friendliness between two people who have met for the first time, to do +away with all hesitancy and embarrassment, to create smooth and +pleasant conversation, to make the strangers want to continue their +acquaintance--that is the purpose of the correct introduction. And its +achievement rests entirely with the man or woman who is the medium of +introduction. + +A great many people have the mistaken impression that an introduction +is meant solely to make two people known to each other for the short +time that they are in company together. The correct introduction helps +to create friendship--the kind of friendship that lasts. It is not +enough to exchange names. It is not enough to present one person to +another, and then forget about it completely. The adroit introducer +draws the strangers into conversation at once, and leads casually into +channels that he, or she, knows are of interest to both. + +To introduce people correctly is an art in itself, and like any other +art, it requires constant study and practice before one becomes adept. + + +CREATING CONVERSATION + +We have mentioned conversation as being an ideal means of establishing +immediate understanding between two strangers--or between a stranger +and a group of guests. Let us consider first the best means to employ +in creating conversation between two persons who have just been +introduced. + +Elaborate manner should be avoided. Simple words and phraseology are +always most effective, especially when one's manner and tone are +sincere. Brevity is also a virtue to be developed in introducing +people. If a scientist and a student meet in your home for the first +time, the student is presented to the older man. The host or hostess +might introduce them in this manner: "Mr. Rogers, let me present Mr. +Brown, who is making a study of social science at Pennsylvania +University." Naturally, an introduction of this kind would lead +directly into a discussion on science--and both men would feel entirely +at ease in each other's company. + +In introducing a gentleman to a lady, the same rule of mutual interest +for creating conversation holds true. The hostess might say, "Miss +Murray, allow me to present Mr. Smith, who stopped at the Palms last +summer just before you arrived." Of course, the young people would +immediately have something to talk about, and there would be no +strained feeling of the sort that usually follows in the wake of a poor +introduction. Or, if Mr. Smith is an author, and Miss Murray is very +fond of reading, the hostess would say, "Miss Murray, I'm sure you will +be pleased to meet Mr. Smith, who writes such charming fiction. You +remember how much we enjoyed 'The Rose Garden.'" + +A great deal depends upon the strangers themselves, whether or not +conversation will move forward, but the hostess who has introduced them +skilfully has certainly given them a pleasant opening. + + +WHEN TO INTRODUCE + +"To introduce or not to introduce?" has often puzzled men and women of +better society. It requires infinite tact, and also a certain keen +knowledge of the world, to determine just whom one should and one +should not introduce to one's friends. + +This does not refer to home or private entertainments where everyone is +an invited guest. In this case, the host and hostess make whatever +introductions they deem necessary, being sure that a stranger is +carefully presented to each guest. When the reception is a large one--a +ball, for instance--the roof may serve as an introduction; that is, the +guests may take it for granted that everyone present, being an invited +guest, has already the endorsement of the hostess. Thus they may +address and converse with anyone they choose, without trespassing any +laws of good conduct. + +If a lady passes two gentlemen, one of whom she knows, both raise their +hats and greet her, but no introductions are made. If he stops for a +moment--and it must be only for a very brief moment--he does not +present his companion. Street introductions are bad form unless the +little group joins forces and walks on together. + +In the business world, introductions are made whenever a mutual +acquaintance or friend is present. Business introductions are governed +very largely by diplomacy, although the gentleman will make sure that +his business introduction is just as courteous and graceful as his +social introduction. + +Granting that all your friends and acquaintances are of the very best +society, it is quite safe to say that you may introduce two people to +each other, or a group of people to one another, whenever you chance to +be a mutual friend. Whether or not the acquaintanceship continues +depends entirely upon the people who have been introduced. It is +certainly better form to introduce two people, even though you are in +doubt as to their similarity of character and personality, than to have +one of your friends--or several of them--feel slighted. There are few +things more unkind and discourteous than to neglect introducing +strangers to each other. + + +IMPORTANCE OF CARE + +An awkward or haphazard introduction can not be effective. A common +fault seems to be to mumble hurriedly over names--a very bad fault, +indeed, as it leaves the strangers in ignorance as to each other's +identity. Names should be pronounced carefully and distinctly, leaving +no doubt whatever in the minds of those who are being presented to each +other. To slur over names in haste or embarrassment, is to create a +strained and uncomfortable atmosphere. + +As in everything else in good society, ostentation is extremely vulgar. +Deep bows, flourishes, and forced phrases have no place in the right +sort of presentations. Brief, simple introductions, with a note of +sincere cordiality, are certainly more impressive than much elaborate +waving of hands and bowing. + + +SPECIAL INTRODUCTIONS + +It is, of course, an established rule that a man should always be +presented to a lady. But the rule does not hold true when a lady is +presented to some gentleman of exceptionally high and distinguished +position. Thus, if a lady is presented to the President of the United +States, or to an ex-President, or prince, duke, or archduke, the +gentleman's name is mentioned first. Another exception to the rule is +when unmarried ladies are presented to important members of the clergy, +such as the bishop or archbishop; here also the gentleman's name is +mentioned first. + +There is only one great exception to the rule that all unmarried women +are presented to matrons: all women, no matter whether they are young +unmarried women or elderly matrons, are introduced _to_ the wife of the +President of the United States. + +There are several exceptions to the rule that all young and unmarried +men be presented to older men. First, there is the President of the +United States, to whom all men, young and old, are presented. +Similarly, a host in his own home is always mentioned first. A member +of a royal and reigning family is never presented to anyone unless it +is someone of higher royalty; all introductions are made to him. A +guest of honor at an entertainment is also given the distinction of +having all guests presented to him. + + +WHEN THE NAME ISN'T HEARD + +It very often happens, in making introductions, that one does not quite +understand the name murmured by the one who is making the introduction. +There is absolutely no reason to become flustered and embarrassed. +Simply smile or nod in acknowledgment, and say, "I beg your pardon, I +did not catch your name." Or one might say, "I am sorry, but I did not +catch the name." Profuse apologies are not good form; in fact, they are +entirely out of place, for the fault lies completely with the man or +woman who has made the introduction. Address yourself to the stranger, +when you wish the name to be repeated, and make your request simply, +directly and with calm dignity. Do not show either by haste or +embarrassment that you are ill at ease because the name escaped you. + +Many times it is the fault of the people who are being introduced that +they do not understand the names. They do not listen for them. It is +one of the secrets of social success, if there can be anything secret +about a thing so obvious, to be able to remember names correctly. +People in business realize this and salesmen devote special time to +training themselves to remember the names of their customers. + +A very bad fault is to attempt to guess at a name when it is not heard +distinctly. It is perfectly correct to ask: "Did Mrs. Roberts call you +Miss Gray?" But never address the young lady as Miss Gray if you have +the least doubt as to whether or not that was the name given. Her name +may be Graham, or Grayerson! It is much wiser to ask and be correct, +than to guess and be corrected. + + +THE CORRECT INTRODUCTION + +Let us now consider the correct forms for the general introduction. For +all ordinary occasions the simple form, "Mrs. Johns, let me present Mr. +Brown," is the best. Because it is brief, direct and simple it may be +used effectively on almost any occasion. In introducing men to women, +the woman's name is invariably spoken first, and the gentleman is +presented to her. Several phrases that are quite generally used in +social circles are: "Mrs. A, allow me to introduce Mr. B," or "Mrs. A, +Mr. B wishes to be presented to you," or "Mrs. A, may I present Mr. B?" +Such phrases as "Let me make you acquainted with" and "I want you to +shake hands with" are awkward and altogether too casual. They should +never be used. + +When there is a great difference in the ages of two women, the younger +is presented to the elder. Thus, if Mrs. Brown is an elderly matron, +and Mrs. Smith is a recent bride, one would say: "Mrs. Brown, let me +present Mrs. Smith." An unmarried woman is always presented to a matron +in this manner: "Mrs. Brown, may I present Miss Jones?" or "Mrs. Brown, +this is Miss Jones." When it is hard to decide which of two married +women is older, one may give due reference to both by introducing in +this most satisfactory manner: "Mrs. Brown, let me present Mrs. Smith; +Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Brown." + +Similar distinctions are made in the introducing of two gentlemen. +Where there is no difference in age, title or dignity, the introduction +may be merely: "Mr. White, Mr. Jones." A young man is presented to an +older man, a bachelor to a married man. However, if the bachelor is a +venerable old gentleman, a married man is presented to him, in +deference to his age. Citizens without official distinction are +invariably presented to senators, judges, governors, etc. + +When introducing a friend to one's parents it is correct to say, +"Mother, may I present Miss Smith?" or "Mother, this is Mr. Jones." The +friend is always introduced to the mother first, then to the father. +Other relatives are introduced in the order of their age and position +in the family. + +In presenting a relative whose name is the same as your own it is +unnecessary to repeat the name. For instance, "Miss Daniels, do you +know my sister, Mildred?" or "Miss Daniels, may I present my brother, +Harry?" If the name is different particular pains should be taken to +pronounce it. "Miss Daniels, this is my sister, Mrs. Graham." Or, "Miss +Daniels, may I present my brother, Mr. Franklin?" + + +GROUP INTRODUCTIONS + +It is considered bad form to interrupt a conversation to introduce a +newcomer. Always wait until the conversation has subsided before you +venture to present a stranger to a group of people. + +The best way to introduce a gentleman to a group of guests is to +mention the names only, in this manner: "Mr. Jones--Miss Smith, Miss +Roberts, Mr. Frank and Mr. Brown." Or one might say, "Mr. Jones, let me +introduce you to----" and then give the names of the guests in the +group, being sure to mention the ladies first. + +A lady is introduced to a group of people in the same manner. It is +indicative of bad taste to conduct a young lady around a large room and +introduce her individually to each stranger. Gentlemen should always be +taken to her to be presented to her. It is only when the young lady is +a _débutante_ or a youthful member of society that she is conducted +across a room to be presented to some elderly dowager or to the guest +of honor. It is inconsiderate to present any one person to a great +number of others all at once. It is not only embarrassing but the task +of remembering anyone of the people introduced is hopeless. + + +THE CHANCE INTRODUCTION + +Before we go any further in the correct forms for introductions, we +will offer a word of caution that should be carefully heeded. Never +introduce people to each other unless you are quite certain that it +will be agreeable to both. For instance, if two young women of your +acquaintance have been attending the same church for several years and +yet do not greet or recognize each other, it may be assumed that they +have a reason for remaining strangers. In such a case, an introduction +could only be painful to both. + +An introduction is not merely a trivial convention--a duty that must be +attended to. It is an important ceremony, the very corner-stone of +friendship. To be formally introduced is to have a certain demand on +one's future good graces and friendliness. Thus, it is bad taste to +introduce rashly and indiscriminately. + +Assuming that you have no reason to believe that they do not wish to +know each other, this is the best form to employ in introducing two +young women, both of whom you meet at the same time: "Miss Jones, Miss +Smith." This form should invariably be used in making public +introductions, at church, the theater, the opera, etc. If the name of +one of the young women has been forgotten, one may say, "I'm afraid I +have forgotten your name," or "Forgive me, but I cannot recall your +name just now." As soon as the required information is given, the +introduction may proceed as above. + + +INCOMPLETE INTRODUCTIONS + +Some careless hostesses neglect to complete introductions. This causes +embarrassment for both, or all, people concerned, and reflects +discreditably on the hostess. + +Who has not heard the otherwise charming hostess greet a friend +cordially in this manner: "Oh, how-do-you-do, my dear! Let me introduce +Mrs. Allen, Mrs. Baker and Mr. Carter." The young person who has just +arrived can hardly avoid feeling a bit confused, and perhaps a bit +slighted. And the people to whom this introduction was made will +certainly feel embarrassed when they meet the stranger again and must +ask his or her name. + +Another type of incomplete introduction is to draw two strangers into +conversation by saying casually: "Mrs. Roberts, Mrs. Jones was at the +opera last night and heard the same pianist you heard two weeks ago." +This is hardly sufficient. The remark should have been either preceded +or followed by a _bona fide_ introduction, though the smile and +bow of the hostess as she speaks may be so cordial as to remove +whatever feeling of constraint there might have been. + +The incomplete introduction is careless and unkind. The hostess is +unfair to her guests if she does not make each introduction definite +and formal, if she does not pronounce clearly the names of both people +to be presented to each other. + + +INDIRECT INTRODUCTIONS + +The indirect introduction is entirely different from the incomplete +introduction. The former is often necessary and purposely resorted to; +the latter is invariably a mistake or the result of carelessness. + +When it is desirable to draw another into conversation, then the +hostess may make an indirect introduction to avoid stiffness and +constraint. Thus, while conversing with one guest, she may turn to +another and say: "Mrs. Blank, Mrs. Smith was just telling us about the +famous picture that was brought recently to America. Have you seen it?" +The purpose of the hostess will be achieved, for the guest addressed +will join the conversation, although there has been no formal +introduction. + +When two people are brought together in this manner, the question of +whether or not they continue their acquaintanceship depends entirely +upon themselves. In taking leave of each other, women who have been +only semi-introduced may nod or shake hands as they please. It is not +necessary to seek out a woman to whom one has been indirectly +introduced in order to take leave of her. If the semi-introduction is +between a man and woman, the woman must either nod first, or offer her +hand first, in leave-taking. It is the sign of her willingness to be +formally introduced. + + +THE ACKNOWLEDGMENT + +A courteous acknowledgment is essential to every introduction. It is +not enough to chant a stilted phrase each time the hostess presents you +to a stranger. Parrot-like repetition will make you appear dull and +ordinary. But to make gracious, cordial acknowledgments is to gain the +immediate sympathy and friendliness of those to whom you have been +introduced. + +The stiff formal bow is quickly losing all its prestige in the best +social circles. In its place is the warm, cordial handclasp, or the +friendly smile and inclination of the head. The bow is only acceptable +when a stranger is presented to a group of guests. And even then it +should consist merely of a nod and genial smile that includes the +entire company. + +A hostess rises to receive all introductions, and offers her hand both +to men and women. But a woman guest retains her place when introduced +to a gentleman, or when she is one of a group to whom a woman guest is +presented. However, if the stranger is introduced to her individually, +she rises in acknowledgment. Other occasions that require the woman of +culture to rise are when she is being introduced to the hostess, to an +elderly or distinguished gentleman, to a guest of honor, or to an +elderly woman. + +A gentleman invariably stands when introduced. If the introduction +takes place out of doors, he is expected to lift his hat and bow +slightly. When introduced to a lady, he must wait until she takes the +initiative in offering him her hand. If she does not offer her hand in +acknowledgment of the introduction, he may merely nod, lift his hat, +and offer a word or two of gracious pleasure at having been introduced +to her. + + +FORMS OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT + +The hostess extends her hand and says cordially, "I am delighted to +know you Mrs. Brown," or, "Mrs. Brown, I am most pleased to meet you." +"How do you do, Mrs. Brown," is used a great deal. + +On being presented to a lady, a gentleman might say, "Delighted to know +you, Miss Jones," or "Miss Jones, I am very glad indeed to meet you." +The correct form to use when one man is introduced to another is +usually, "How do you do?" although a great many men like to use the +expression, "I'm very glad to meet you." A young woman introduced to a +matron might say, "This is a pleasure indeed, Mrs. Rogers." A gentleman +might acknowledge an introduction to a lady by saying, "I am pleased to +know you, Mrs. Jones," or simply, "How do you do, Mrs. Jones?" It is +not so much a question of what is said as of how it is said. + +It happens, sometimes, that a hostess unknowingly will introduce to +each other two men, or two women, who have long been on unfriendly +terms. To ignore each other completely under such circumstances would +be a breach of good conduct, and an embarrassment to everyone +concerned. It is certainly wiser, if not more agreeable, to nod as +though one were a stranger, and later tactfully avoid the man or woman +whose company you do not wish to share. + +The acknowledgment to an introduction is important. It is the first +impression the stranger gains of you, and it is your duty to make it a +good--and lasting one. + +It is always best to repeat the name--in fact, the repeating of the +name is all that is necessary--since it gives an opportunity for +correction if the person to whom the introduction was made +misunderstood it. For example, when the hostess says, "Mrs. Davis, let +me present Mrs. Raymond," the ladies may bow politely, each murmuring +the name of the other. + + +FUTURE RECOGNITION OF INTRODUCTION + +With introductions made as hurriedly and haphazardly as they are +to-day, at large receptions and balls, it is often puzzling to +determine whether or not one should greet a certain new acquaintance at +the next meeting. There are certain definite rules that may be followed +with confidence. + +It is important to remember that the first intimation of recognition +after an introduction must always come from the lady. A gentleman does +not offer his hand, nor does he bow or nod to the lady he has met only +once before until she has made the first movement. The privilege of +continuing or ending the acquaintanceship rests with her. + +As a general rule, one bows to all those whom one has met at dinner, +luncheon or breakfast. It is also usual to greet those with whom one +may have drunk tea at a reception, and with whom one may have played a +game of tennis or golf. Incomplete introductions require no future +recognition, unless the people introduced desire to cultivate a +friendship. + +If two people are presented to each other for the second time, polite +acknowledgment must be made. It is not necessary, though often it is +pleasant, to recall a former introduction, especially if one feels sure +that the other will have no difficulty in recollecting the occasion. It +is the duty of the gentleman to recall a previous introduction. He may +say, "I think I have had the pleasure of meeting Miss Stone last week," +or, "Miss Stone and I have already been introduced." If two ladies are +presented to each other for the second time, the younger or unmarried +one incurs the duty of recalling the first introduction. "I have +already met Mrs. Jessup," is a form that may be used on any occasion. + + +INTRODUCING AT DINNER + +At a formal or informal dinner, the host and hostess must make all +guests known to one another before leading the company to the table. It +is neither graceful nor good form to introduce after the guests are +seated. + +The secret of correct introduction at dinner is to avoid all obvious +efforts to present certain guests to one another. For instance, it is +not the best form to interrupt a conversation and draw a young man to +another part of the room to present him to a young lady. Nor is it +necessary for the hostess to incommode herself by rising, during the +course of the dinner, to greet a late-comer and make him known to the +other guests. She may merely nod to him, accept his excuse for +tardiness with a gracious smile or word of welcome, and retain all +introductions until later in the evening when the guests have assembled +in the drawing-room. + +Sometimes, at a very large formal dinner, it is not possible for the +host and hostess to introduce every guest. In this case it is necessary +to introduce only the gentlemen and ladies who are to go in together to +table. Later, when the ladies gather in the drawing-room, the clever +hostess will contrive to make all her guests known to each other; and +when the gentlemen join them after their cigars, both host and hostess +may adroitly conclude the introductions. However, it is also good form +for the host to make his complete introductions while the gentlemen are +having their after-dinner smoke and chat, and for the hostess to make +her introductions in the drawing-room among the ladies. The gentlemen +may then be presented to the ladies during the course of the evening. + +If there is a distinguished guest, or a guest of honor, for whom the +dinner is given, all guests must be presented to him at some time +during the evening. If the introductions cannot be completely achieved +before dinner, the host and hostess may continue them when the guests +reassemble in the drawing-room. + + +INTRODUCING AT THE DANCE + +When a ball or dance is given in honor of a _débutante_ daughter, or +in honor of a visiting guest, the hostess, on receiving her guests, +presents them to the honored person who stands at her side. During the +course of the dance itself, the host and hostess, as well as the +members of their family, make all the introductions they can without +inconveniencing either their guests or themselves. + +At a private dance the host and hostess must constantly contrive to +present gentlemen to ladies, so that there will always be new partners +for each dance. If it is a very small dance, the strictly formal +introduction is rarely performed; the girls introduce their partners to +their particular friends, and the young men present their friends to +their partners without asking permission to do so. + +At a very large, formal ball or dance, it is good form to ask +permission of a lady before presenting a gentleman to her. It is +certainly the safest and most satisfactory way, and reflects good taste +and courtesy both on the part of the gentleman who wishes to be +introduced and the gentleman who is the medium of introduction. + +The gentleman who escorts a lady to a dance has a very distinct duty +with regard to introductions. He must present to her, at various +intervals during the dance, as many of his masculine friends as he +feels she would welcome as partners. At a public ball, he invariably +asks her permission to make these introductions, as he does also at a +very large formal ball. But if the young lady is a friend of long +standing, and his own comrades personal friends for whom he can vouch, +it is not necessary to request formally the lady's permission before +making the introductions. + +At public balls, the reception committee presents each guest to the +guest of honor. If there is no guest of honor, the committee merely +welcomes the guests, and leaves the duty of introduction to chaperons +and escorts. Patronesses and reception committees are not obligated in +any way to make introductions at subscriptions or public balls, though +it often helps to make the affair more pleasant when they take part in +presentations. + + +INTRODUCING AT RECEPTIONS + +The hostess of an afternoon or evening reception presents each guest +who arrives to the guest of honor or _débutante_ daughter, who +stands at her side and receives with her. She may not leave her post at +the door to make introductions, but she may present as many guests to +one another as is possible without leaving her place. + +The wise hostess always has several feminine members of her family to +assist her in making guests known to one another. These young women may +introduce any strangers in the company. The ladies in charge of the +refreshments in the dining room may also speak without introduction to +guests of either sex, in order to offer tea, chocolate or bonbons. They +are privileged to make introductions whenever it is in their power to +do so. + +A committee is usually appointed to receive the guests at a public +reception. The committee, or part of it, stands by the door to receive +each guest formally, and introductions are made merely by having a +liveried servant announce the name in a loud, clear voice. The guest +bows to the committee, and considers himself introduced. Then the +committee may be addressed by the stranger who desires further +introductions to other guests. It is important, at these public +receptions that the committee in charge perform as nearly as possible +the duty of host and hostess. + + +SPEAKING WITHOUT INTRODUCTION + +Some people who pride themselves upon being well-bred make themselves +appear actually ludicrous by being highly indignant when addressed by +someone to whom they have not been introduced. Surely in this world of +good-fellowship and open-hearted friendliness it is ridiculous to seal +one's mouth and be aloof, merely because one has not been formally +presented! + +There is, for instance, the gentleman one sits next to on the steamer +deck. A lady, of course, may not on any condition address a gentleman +whom she does not know, nor may a gentleman address a lady who is a +stranger to him. But when two men are sitting side-by-side on a steamer +deck, both glorying in the solemn dignity of the sea, and the wide +expanse of sky, it would be petty indeed to refrain from conversation. +If a friendship is to be developed later, a formal introduction may be +sought; but for the present, though they have never been presented to +each other, the men may enjoy a conversation without feeling that they +are trespassing beyond the boundaries of etiquette. + +Similarly, the lady traveling across country may comment upon the +splendid open stretches of country, the hazy impressiveness of the +mountains in the distance and the surprising beauty of the train's +smoke against the azure sky, to the lady sitting opposite her, even +though they have never been introduced. And they may carry on quite a +delightful conversation without being formally presented to each other. + +There can be nothing quite as shallow as refusing to answer, or +answering coldly, the person who addresses you in a spirit of +friendliness, merely because there have been no formal introductions. +One must have vision enough to see that what is correct in the ballroom +would be strained and narrow in the shadow of the huge mountains where +men and women of every social standing gather to enjoy the same +glorious bigness of things. + + +INTRODUCING CHILDREN + +It is important for children to be taught early the significance and +value of formal introductions. But parents must carefully avoid all +suggestion of snobbishness in their young sons and daughters. There is +an amusing story related of a certain little English lad who was +visiting in America with his father, who happened to be a member of the +House of Lords. The youngster had a well developed case of +snobbishness. + +At an afternoon reception given in honor of his father, the boy was +introduced to several young Americans, invited especially for his +benefit. During the course of the afternoon, the hostess noticed that +he was sitting off to one side, avoiding the other young guests. When +she spoke to him about it, and asked him why he didn't join the other +young people, he remarked stiffly: "In England, the son of a member of +the House of Lords does not associate with commoners!" While the father +crimsoned, the little American guests laughed in amusement. And a +newspaper correspondent who was present enjoyed the humor of the +situation so keenly that he devoted a whole column to it. + +A well-bred child introduces his or her small friend to older persons +by saying, "Mrs. Thompson, this is my sister Ray," or, "Mother, may I +present my schoolmate, Bob, to you?" Children should be taught not to +use stilted, unnatural phrases. Their introductions should be easy and +natural. A child introducing his young cousin to a friend would say, +"Bob, this is my cousin, Ralph." When introduced to an adult, the +properly trained child waits for the elder to speak first. If some +expression of pleasure at the meeting is made, the child may say, +"Thank you, Mrs. Anderson." + +A parent would introduce her daughter in this manner: "Mrs. Brown, this +is my little daughter Anne," or, "Mrs. Brown, my boy John wishes to be +presented to you." Children should be introduced to each other in a +casual way for strained introductions cause them to feel ill at ease in +one another's company. "Harry, this is John Brown. I am sure you will +enjoy hearing all about his new pony," or, "Mary, Bob wants to tell you +about something funny that happened at school the other day." The +simple expression, "How do you do," is always best for children who are +acknowledging introductions. + + +CORDIALITY IN INTRODUCTIONS + +With the passing of the ridiculous half-finger handshake, with the arm +extended upward and the wrist bent awkwardly, introductions have become +more cordial and sincere. Which is entirely as it should be. Too many +people go through the ceremony of an introduction merely as a matter of +duty, without realizing its portent in the matter of friendship and +future acquaintance. + +We have all met the man or woman who nods stiffly in acknowledgment of +an introduction, and offers some stereotyped expression of welcome. And +we have all met the man or woman who smiles warmly, offers a sincere +handclasp, and acknowledges the introduction so cordially that one +feels entirely at ease. In the latter case, a brief acquaintance +usually ripens into friendship, while in the former instance, one is +inclined to forget promptly the one to whom the introduction has been +made. + +The next time you are introduced to a stranger, smile sincerely, make +your handclasp warm and firm, put cordiality into your welcome and see +how your new acquaintance responds! The correct introduction alone is +not the corner-stone of friendship; but the correct introduction that +is also cordial opens the door to friendships that perhaps are sealed +to every other effort. + +Whether you are making an introduction or acknowledging one, be sure +that it is both correct and cordial. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION + + +THE LETTER OF INTRODUCTION + +Letters of introduction should be drawn only on relatives, or on very +close friends. It is not considered entirely ethical to introduce by a +letter an individual of whom the writer knows very little, or toward +whom the writer is not especially friendly. It is also scarcely good +form to ask for a letter of introduction; the truly cultured person +will depend upon the kind impulses of a friend or relative to recognize +the need for such presentation. + +Care should be exerted in the issuing of these letters. Some people, +because they have not sufficient willpower to refuse a direct request, +will issue such a letter to a person whom they hardly know, and for +whose character they cannot vouch. Thus they are forced to send a +private letter to the person to whom the letter of introduction is +addressed, explaining that the stranger is really not very well known +to them, and that perhaps the hostess had better find out more about +him, or her. This always causes an embarrassing and uncomfortable +situation; it is always better to refuse frankly, unless one knows the +man or woman and is willing to endorse him heartily and sincerely. + +A letter of introduction should be brief, concise and free from matters +of personal or private interest. If the bearer of the letter is in +mourning, or has suffered some recent grief or loss, or if he is the +victim of unhappy circumstances or peculiar prejudices, a private +letter should be sent to the person to whom the letter is addressed, +explaining the situation. This does not hold true when the stranger has +some special mission to perform; in this case, the explanation is +written directly in the original letter of introduction. + +A note of introduction rarely covers more than a page or a page and a +half of medium-size note paper, and it should be confined strictly to +the presentation of the person in whose behalf it is written. Nothing +irrelevant, such as inquiry regarding the health of certain people of +mutual acquaintance, or of domestic interest, should be included. The +letter is placed in an unsealed envelope. + + +PRESENTING THE LETTER + +Usually letters of introduction are not presented in person, but sent +with the card of the man or woman to be introduced. This relieves the +ceremony of that awkwardness which usually follows when someone +presents a letter of introduction and waits while it is being read. If +one does not wish to send it through the mails, the letter may be left +with one's card at the door of the one to whom it is addressed. + +When the letter of introduction is from a gentleman to a lady, or +rather when the letter introduces a gentleman to a lady, he invariably +calls in the afternoon and sends up the letter with his card. If the +lady is not at home, he may slip the card into the same envelope as the +letter, and leave it with the servant to be delivered. A gentleman also +calls to present a letter of introduction to a member of his own sex. + +A woman who wishes to present a letter of introduction to another +woman, calls personally and leaves the letter with her own card, or +slips her card into the envelope, seals it, and sends it through the +mails. Either method of presentation is correct. However, when the +letter is addressed to a gentleman, she does not call, unless it is +some very special and unusual occasion, but trusts the letter to the +mails for safe delivery. + + +ACKNOWLEDGING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION + +A letter of introduction requires immediate recognition in some form. +Either a call or an invitation should be made within three or four +days. If it is impossible to honor a letter of introduction by the +usual form of visiting or entertaining then it is absolutely essential +that a prompt and adequate explanation should be written to the author +and bearer of the letter. + +Ordinarily, when the bearer of a letter of introduction is a woman, a +call is made within three days. This call is followed by the offer of +some hospitality, usually a luncheon or tea. A gentleman calls upon a +lady or upon another gentleman as soon as he receives a letter of +introduction. But a lady, instead of making a call, sends an invitation +to the gentleman who is introduced to her by means of a letter. + +Any delay in acknowledging a letter of introduction is uncivil, both to +the person who wrote the letter and the one being introduced. If one is +invalided, a short note should be written explaining why a call cannot +be made, and arranging for a meeting as early as circumstances permit. +But to wait a week or two before acknowledging a letter of +introduction, and then writing to explain, is to show lack of good +breeding and ignorance of the laws of good conduct. + +It is a mark of courtesy to write to the person who brought about the +acquaintance with a new friend by means of a letter of introduction, +thanking him or her for the note that inspired the friendship. + + +MODEL LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION + +A letter of introduction should be simple and to the point. It should +also be friendly, cordial and explanatory. It is placed in a single +envelope, unsealed, with the full name and address of the person to +whom the bearer is introduced. Here are some letters that are offered +merely as suggestions. Of course they may be changed and added to, to +meet certain conditions: + +_New Haven, Conn., + March 4, 19--_ + + _My dear Mrs. Brown:_ + + _This will introduce to you Miss Rose Johnson of Camden, New + Jersey, who intends staying in your charming city during December + and January._ + + _I have known Miss Johnson for three years, and feel sure that + you will find pleasure in her company._ + + _With warmest personal regards, I am_ + + _Sincerely yours,_ + + _Margaret F. Dowe._ + + + _New York, N.Y., + April 4, 19--_ + + _Dear Travers:_ + + _The bearer of this note, Mr. Robert Duncan, of Chicago, plans to + be in your town for two months. Besides being a personal friend of + mine, he is the advertising manager of the Goodfield Company in Los + Angeles, and knowing as I do how interested you are in advertising, + I feel that you would like to know him._ + + _You will find him good company everywhere, I think, for he not + only talks entertainingly but he plays tennis and golf and bridge + and plays them well. I hope that you will be able to help him enjoy + his stay in Madison._ + + _With kindest regards to Mrs. Travers, I am_ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Bob Westely._ + + + _Baltimore, Md., + Oct. 19, 19--_ + + _My dear Mrs. Rowell:_ + + _It gives me great pleasure to present to you Mr. Raymond Gordon, + the bearer of this note, with whom I have been associated in + business and socially for many years. Business takes him to + Baltimore, where he is an entire stranger. I will personally + appreciate any kindness you may show him during his stay there._ + + _Yours most sincerely,_ + + _Robert S. Balfour._ + + +THE CARD OF INTRODUCTION + +Very often a card of introduction, instead of a letter, is issued. The +letter is preferred in the case of special friends, as it conveys a +certain courtesy that the strictly formal card lacks. Yet the card is +no less powerful an agent in soliciting and securing civilities for a +man or woman in a strange town. Its place is in the business rather +than the social world, where often it is the means of securing an +interview which it would be almost impossible to get without some kind +of endorsement. + +The card of introduction consists merely of a visiting card with the +name of the person to be introduced written above that of the sender. A +card so prepared should be placed in a card envelope, left unsealed, +and addressed to the person to whom the introduction is to be made. The +words which appear at the top of the card are written also at the +extreme bottom of the envelope, either below the address or in the +left-hand corner. + +Here is a typical visiting card, inscribed correctly with the name and +address of the medium of introduction, and bearing the correct +introduction above the name: + + _Introducing Miss Rose M. Roberts_ + Mr. Charles Hanson Morton + 28 West 18th St. + + +BUSINESS INTRODUCTIONS + +The man who values his good name among his business associates will not +give letters of introduction indiscriminately. There are no special +rules governing such letters in the business world beyond those of the +social world. It is very annoying to a busy man to have to interrupt +his work to make himself agreeable to all sorts and conditions of men +who may come bearing missives which give them entrance. People should +remember this in giving letters of introduction and should absolutely +refuse unless they feel sure that something of mutual benefit may arise +from the meeting. To give a letter of introduction for the same reason +that one sometimes buys goods of a persistent agent--to get rid of +him--is a very poor way out of the difficulty. + +It is permissible to ask for a letter of introduction to a business man +if the person from whom it is requested is a good friend and the person +who asks for it has an excellent reason for doing so. Of course it is +much better when the letter comes as a free-will offering, for there is +no possibility of having to meet with a refusal. A refusal to grant a +letter should not anger the person who asked for it, and the person who +feels compelled to deny the request should give a courteous +reason--there is usually such a reason--for doing so. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +CALLS AND CALLING CUSTOMS + + +THE BEGINNING OF SOCIAL CALLS + +The origin of the "social" call dates from the Stone Age, when the head +of a family used to leave a roughly carved block of stone at the door +of another, as an expression of good-will and friendship. The most +marked development in calls and visiting is traced among the Orientals, +and especially the Chinese. In China, even to-day, the social call is +practically a sacred ceremony, and it is only the very lowest coolie +who does not pay regular calls upon his friends and neighbors. + +It is contrary to the American ideal to develop or encourage highly +complicated social ceremonies, and even the most formal call in this +country to-day is simply a meeting of good friends. With the rush of +modern life and the multitudinous opportunities which it offers for +diversion and instruction there is a tendency to neglect one's social +calls. It is a great pity, for nothing is quite so precious as one's +friends, and was it not Emerson who said, "Go often to the house of thy +friend for weeds choke the unused path"? + + +WHEN CALLS ARE MADE + +In the city, formal calls are made between four and six o'clock in the +afternoon. Morning calls are considered informal in the city; they are +made only to transact business, or by special appointment. Only a very +intimate friend is privileged to call in the morning merely for social +purposes. + +[Illustration: © Brown Bros. + +AN ALTAR FOR A HOME WEDDING + +A similar plan of decoration may be used effectively in a much less +pretentious home.] + +Women rarely call in the evening, unless it is a friendly informal +visit. Men may make formal evening visits both in the city and country. +In the city they may call as early as eight o'clock or as late as +half-past nine. It is not in good taste to call very late in the +evening, especially in the country where the retiring hour is early. It +is perfectly correct for a woman who is at business during the day to +pay her calls during the early part of the evening. + +Morning calls in the country may be made between half-past ten and one +o'clock. Both men and women should observe these hours. It is only in +the centers of formal and fashionable society, where luncheon is +usually served at one o'clock that morning calls are reserved for +occasions of business. + +When a call is paid for the purpose of condolence, or of inquiring +after a sick friend, no special hour need be observed, as the caller +rarely advances beyond the threshold of the front door. Before calling +on a friend in a hospital one should ascertain the hours during which +visitors are allowed. + + +THE PROPER LENGTH OF A CALL + +Never prolong a call until it becomes a relief to depart--both for you +and your hostess. This is not irrelevant, nor is it too severe. There +are many people who do not know when to depart, and simply because they +are afraid of leaving too early and offending the hostess, they prolong +the visit unduly and depend upon gossip and forced conversation to pass +the time. It is not good taste to make a call that lasts ten minutes; +but it is certainly no better to make one that lasts three hours. + +When a first and formal call is paid, fifteen or twenty minutes is the +usual time for exchanging civilities, and for making a graceful exit. +The ordinary formal call may be extended from a quarter to +three-quarters of an hour. A friendly call may be continued an hour, +and sometimes an hour and a half. + +Calls of inquiry, condolence and information should never be prolonged +longer than is required to obtain the information required. Calls of +condolence should be made especially short, as it is a mark of +inconsideration to force oneself on a hostess who is suffering a recent +bereavement. + + +THE DAY AT HOME + +Calls should always be paid on the hostess' day at home, if possible. +It is always more complimentary and considerate to observe a day at +home than to call on an afternoon when the hostess does not expect you. + +In large cities and fashionable circles, it is customary for every +hostess to issue at-home cards, giving the day and hour, or just the +day, when she will be at home to visitors. These are issued to all her +friends and acquaintances and they are expected to make their social +calls, calls of congratulation, calls of appreciation--all calls except +those that have to do with business--on that afternoon. + +Sunday calls are now considered informal. In small towns and country +neighborhoods they may be made after church or in the evening, but in +large cities formal visits are rarely made on Sunday. Here again men +(and business women) enjoy a special privilege; they may make their +formal calls any afternoon or evening of the week, Sunday not excepted. +Perhaps this is only fair, as the American man, and many of the +American women, have their mornings and afternoons completely absorbed +by the exactions of their business. + + +DRESS FOR CALLS + +In making business calls a woman should wear street dress of the most +simple and conservative type. For her social calls also she should wear +street attire, but it need not be so severe as for business purposes. +Especially if she is to go by public conveyance she should be careful +not to make herself conspicuous by her dress. The hostess is always +more or less informally dressed unless her at home takes on the +proportions of a reception, in which case she wears an elaborate +reception gown. + +Men seldom pay calls, and when they do, for the most part, they wear +ordinary business suits unless the occasion is one of importance. +Formal evening calls require formal evening dress. + + +PAYING THE FIRST CALL + +In the country, all newcomers wait until they are called upon before +calling or leaving cards. Formerly, calls were paid only upon those +newcomers who were in one's immediate neighborhood, but now motoring +has greatly increased the area of visiting. Thus, when a newcomer +builds or rents a home within easy motoring distance, one must feel +obligated to call and leave cards. + +Brides also wait to receive first calls. Neighbors and friends are +expected to call and leave cards immediately upon the return from the +honeymoon. It is the particular duty of all wedding guests to call +promptly as soon as the bride announces her return. + +When a lady comes to visit a friend in another town, it is the duty of +all friends of the hostess to make the first call. It is also the rule +for women who have been entertained in a friend's house in the country +to be the first to call on that friend immediately upon her return to +town. Where there is no indebtedness of this kind and when two women +arrive home from their respective summer vacations at about the same +time, it is customary for the younger to make the first call upon the +older. + +The matter of paying the first call is often a very delicate one. +Frequently sensitive people are offended by some unconscious slight on +the part of a friend. The following rules will help those who are in +doubt, and who are anxious to follow the correct usage, and thus avoid +blunders that may result in broken friendships. + +An unmarried woman always pays the first call of the season upon a +matron. The elder of two women is entitled to the first visit. This +same rule holds true among men, when the question of the formal call +arises. In large cities, when the recognized winter period for +exchanging formal calls opens, very little attention is paid to the +matter of the first calls of the season. It is usually dependent upon +convenience and inclination of individuals, and upon the settling of an +at-home day. Sometimes women who are exceptionally punctilious make +their first calls with reference to courtesies extended or received in +the foregoing season. Thus, they refer to their calling lists of the +preceding winter, in deciding on whom to make the first calls. However, +this is entirely in the hands of the individual. + + +CALLS OF OBLIGATION + +There are certain obligatory calls that must be made, if one wishes to +be in accord with the laws of etiquette. These are sometimes referred +to as "duty calls." For instance, it is essential for all wedding +guests, bridesmaids, ushers, and for the best man, maid of honor and +matron of honor to call on the bride's mother within three weeks after +her daughter's wedding. They must also call upon the bride as soon as +she returns from her honeymoon. If the wedding was held at the home of +a sister or other relative, the call is made to the lady who acted in +the capacity of hostess. The guests at a home wedding, wedding +reception or breakfast, are also obligated to call on the bride's +mother, and on the bride herself, in due course. + +It is distinctly important for all guests, both men and women, at a +formal dinner to call upon the hostess within two or, at the most, +three weeks after the dinner. This holds true even if the invitation +was not accepted. The dinner call should be paid promptly; if a man or +woman who has not accepted an invitation to dinner does not call within +three weeks, the hostess has every reason to believe that he, or she, +does not desire her friendship and hospitality. This same holds true of +balls, suppers, parties and receptions. Not to accept an invitation, +and not to call, is a gross incivility and reflects upon the good +manners of the person who has neglected to make the obligatory call. + +Duty calls are necessary after formal luncheons or breakfasts, and +after musicales, theater parties, opera parties, garden parties, and +after attending a christening. Such a call should be made within the +two weeks following the event. + +Other obligatory calls are made both before and after a funeral. The +first call is merely a matter of card-leaving, unless one is an +intimate friend of the bereaved family. After the funeral a call of +condolence should be made. + +A hostess who follows the laws of good society to the letter, +invariably calls on a new acquaintance before offering her any +hospitality, or before issuing any invitations to her. Other calls that +are a matter of obligation are those of inquiry regarding a friend's +health, of congratulation to parents on the birth of a child, and of +congratulation to the young lady who has announced her engagement. All +these calls are social necessities, and the man or woman who is +well-bred never neglects them. + + +ABOUT RETURNING CALLS + +It is of the utmost importance that calls be promptly returned. But +perhaps the most exacting of all is the first call. To neglect to +return it within two weeks, or three at the most, or to explain by +letter why it cannot be returned, is to indicate tacitly that the +caller's friendship is not desired. This, of course, is an extremely +rude and inconsiderate method to choose, if one really does not desire +to cultivate a certain friendship, for there are many gracious and less +unkind means to employ. + +A bride, or a visitor in a neighborhood, or a newcomer to a town, +should not let more than ten days, or at the most two weeks, elapse +before returning the civilities of their new neighbors. The first call +of a new acquaintance should be just as promptly returned. After the +first call is returned, it depends upon the individuals concerned +whether a friendship shall be developed, or whether a "calling +acquaintance" shall be kept up. (The expression "calling acquaintance" +is used to indicate the custom of ladies calling upon each other once +or twice during the year as a social duty, rather than as a means of +developing friendship.) + +When calls are exchanged only once in twelve months it is an indication +that only a purely formal acquaintance exists between two people. But +when two women are friends, they may exchange calls at intervals of +three weeks or a month, and sometimes very dear friends exchange calls +every week. However, in this latter case the calls are more or less +informal. + +Calls of condolence, sympathy, inquiry and congratulation are usually +answered by sending cards or brief notes to the callers. Later, on +issuing from mourning, or on recovery of health, the calls of +condolence and inquiry may be returned, but it is not entirely +necessary, and depends largely upon the convenience and individual +desire of the person on whom the call was made. + +When a hostess is asked to invite the friends of her friends to a +reception at her home, she is not obligated to return their "calls of +duty." Nor does a woman return any of the calls, formal or informal, of +her gentlemen acquaintances. When one woman receives a call from +another woman who bears a letter of introduction, a return call must be +made promptly, or a letter of explanation written within two weeks +after the day of the first call. The same rule is observed between men. + + +THE CALL OF CONDOLENCE + +It should be remembered that no hasty intrusions should ever be made +upon grief. It shows lack of good taste and extreme inconsideration. + +Only intimate friends of a bereaved family, or of one member of that +family, call for any length of time. Others merely leave their cards +with cordial inquiries regarding the health and spirits of the members +of the family. + +They may forward a box of flowers, including their personal card in the +box, instead of calling to leave a card in person. But when the formal +call of condolence is made, ten days or two weeks after the funeral, +the intimate friends of the family should be careful to avoid all +subjects that would cause pain to the bereaved ones. They should not, +unless gifted with rare tact, make any reference to the death but +should rather speak of cheerful things. However, it may be necessary to +give some word of sympathy either upon greeting or departure. A tactful +way to greet a sorrowing person is to say simply, "I have called to +assure you of my sympathy." The subject should then be dropped and +other matters discussed. + +On departure a word of cheer and sympathy, and a hearty warm hand-clasp +go a long way towards helping matters. + +Calls of condolence should be brief. It is poor form to remain longer +than fifteen minutes, unless one is a particularly intimate friend and +able to relieve the intensity of grief by his or her presence. If the +person called upon feels the loss so poignantly that he or she cannot +be composed, it is far better to leave a cordial note at the door +asking to be excused from all callers, than to greet them and cause +embarrassment by a display of emotion. Persons in affliction often +prefer to be alone, and the intrusion of anyone except their very +dearest friends causes fresh grief. + + +THE CALL OF CONGRATULATION AND INQUIRY + +Calls of congratulation are warranted only by intimacy or by friendship +of long standing. After the birth of a child, feminine friends of the +mother incur the duty of calling upon her and leaving inquiries about +her own and her child's health, along with the customary +congratulations. Friends of the young lady who announces her engagement +are expected to call and offer congratulations. This call is usually +made between ten days and two weeks after the announcement is received. +Married women who are friends of the young woman's mother also call to +make their congratulations. + +Calls of inquiry are made during the illness or convalescence of a +friend or acquaintance. Sometimes these calls are made after a fire or +accident, or after some several financial loss or other disaster. +Extreme tact is needed in paying such calls. The call itself assumes no +greater proportions than that merely of doorstep card-leaving, yet it +is an expression of genuine sympathy and a desire to show that +friendship will be continued no matter what happens. The chapter +devoted to visiting cards contains several model cards of inquiry that +can be used on the various occasions mentioned. + + +THE SOCIAL CALLS OF MEN + +Gentlemen of good society usually devote Sunday afternoons and evenings +to their formal visits. Weekday evenings are also often given over to +the same purpose. The gentleman who calls upon a lady shows good taste +and consideration by selecting her day at home. + +A man is expected to make calls of condolence, inquiry and +congratulation upon all his intimate friends, men and women. He is also +expected to pay a call promptly upon a hostess who has entertained him +either at dinner or a dance. However, he may not call again unless he +is invited to do so by the hostess. A bachelor residing in a new +neighborhood is expected to return all first calls made upon him, but +he has the privilege of requesting a sister or woman relative living +with him to make the return call in his name. + +When introduced to a gentleman by means of a letter of introduction +from a mutual friend, it is essential that the recipient return the +call within three days. This holds true also if it is a lady who +presents the letter of introduction. Gentlemen who are invited to +balls, dinners, theater parties, garden parties, etc., are expected to +make calls within ten days or two weeks, even though they do not accept +the invitation. + + +THE INVALID'S CALL + +An invalid may return calls by sending a daughter or a close friend in +her stead. A sister may also make calls for an invalided woman. When a +member of society is an invalid, with no daughters or sisters, and with +no very intimate friends, she may issue cards or notes through the +mails if she wishes to keep up her social activities. + +A daughter of an invalid calls upon all her mother's friends, +introduces herself, and explains why she is appearing in her mother's +place. Or she may just leave her mother's card, with her own name and a +word of explanation written above it. The latter method is undoubtedly +the most satisfactory. + +A person who is invalided temporarily may send cards in answer to the +courtesies of friends or she may allow her daughter to assume her +social responsibilities. Usually because of the heavy demands which +society places upon one she goes back to her round of calls, teas, +receptions, etc., gradually rather than all at once. Friends are always +considerate under such circumstances and etiquette never exacts more +than one can possibly do. + + +ASKING A NEW ACQUAINTANCE TO CALL + +You cannot, except under special conditions, invite people to your home +unless you have called on them in formal manner and they have returned +the visit. A young woman, and an unmarried woman, wait for an +invitation to call from an older woman and matron. It is not advisable +for a young woman to ask a gentleman to call until she has met him +several times and is quite sure that she wishes to develop his +friendship. A woman never calls upon a gentleman except on a business +mission, in which case she may not discuss social or domestic topics. A +married woman does not leave a card for an unmarried man unless she has +been to a reception at his house; then she leaves one of her own cards +with one of her husband's. + +It is expected of a young matron or of a _débutante_ that she request +being permitted to call upon an elderly matron or old lady after the +two have met at a watering-place or in the home of a mutual friend, and +after having exchanged cards. A gentleman who wishes to call upon a +young girl he admires, first asks permission of the lady's mother, +being quite certain, of course, that his visit would be agreeable to +the young lady herself. To ask permission of the mother is to convey a +very distinct compliment to both women, and reflects culture and +breeding upon the character of the young man himself. + +When asking a gentleman to call it is sufficient to say, "Mother and I +will be at home Wednesday at three o'clock, Mr. Blank. I hope you will +come to see us," or, "I should be very glad to have you visit me, Mr. +Blank. Mother and I are usually at home in the evenings." + +In some sections of the country it is customary for the gentleman to +ask permission to call upon a young lady, rather than for the young +lady to request him to call. He may say, "Miss Blank, I hope I may call +on you sometime before very long," or "I would like to call upon you at +your home, Miss Blank. May I call some evening when you and your mother +are at home?" + + +THE WOMAN'S BUSINESS CALL + +A woman may call on a man only for business purposes. In this case the +man is usually her clergyman, editor, lawyer, physician or merchant, +and the call is made during office hours. + +The woman who is making a business call does not usually send in a +visiting card, but merely gives her name to the attendant. She states +her business briefly, remembering to avoid all personal, social or +domestic topics not essential to the furtherance of the matter in hand. +If it is necessary for a woman to call upon a man at his home, she must +be accompanied by a male relative, or by a woman older than herself. +This holds true only when she is entirely unacquainted with the members +of the man's family, and is only acquainted with the man himself +through business interests. She does not send up her cards, merely her +name, and she makes her visit as short as possible. When a woman calls +at a bachelor apartment or at a gentleman's studio it is an +unimpeachable law of etiquette that she be correctly chaperoned. +Etiquette also bars a woman from visiting a gentleman's club, even for +the purpose of seeing her husband. + +The lady who has been entertained at the home of a gentleman may drive +to his door and send up her card. But she never enters his home for a +social visit. + + +RECEIVING CALLS + +The day at home is devoted exclusively to the receiving and +entertaining of callers. This day at home is decided by the hostess at +the beginning of the season; one day each week, or one day in every two +weeks, is set apart for receiving calls. + +The hostess should be ready to receive her first call by a few minutes +before three o'clock. She may, if she wishes, specify a certain hour +for calling on her at-home card, but if she prefers to leave the hour +open, she should be prepared to greet her guests from three o'clock in +the afternoon until a little before half-past five. + +There are three methods that may be employed in announcing a caller. +The method you choose should be governed by what you can afford and by +what is most convenient for you. The most formal and effective plan is +to have a full-liveried butler at the door to lead each guest to the +drawing-room, and then announce his or her name to the hostess. Or a +servant may be at the door to offer each visitor a small silver tray, +on which to place his or her card. The most simple method is to place a +large tray in the hall, preferably on a small table that is +conspicuously situated, and into this the cards of the callers may be +cast as they pass into the drawing-room. It should be remembered that a +maid-servant never announces callers, but only offers them a card-tray +and helps them with their wraps. + +The caller at an apartment house should first have the hall boy +telephone up to the hostess--unless the caller is expected--to know if +she is at home. It is not permissible except among very intimate +friends to go up unannounced. + +The hostess should always prepare some sort of refreshment for her +guests on the day at home. In winter, tea or hot chocolate may be +served with wafers or cake. Sometimes light sandwiches and bonbons are +served on the day at home. In the warm summer months, if calls are +made, the visitors may be refreshed with iced tea, chocolate or punch. + + +DUTIES OF THE HOSTESS + +On her day at home, the hostess makes every effort to make her callers +feel that she is glad to have them. She rises as each new guest makes +his or her appearance, steps forward and offers her hand in greeting. +The expressions, "How do you do, Mrs. Brown," and "I am delighted to +see you, Mr. Gray," are effective phrases of greeting. It is her +important duty to make general introductions, and to give some special +attention to each caller as he or she arrives, drawing him into +conversation with the others before leaving him to greet another +newcomer. + +If the rooms are warm, the hostess may invite a feminine caller to +remove her wraps, but she must not assume this privilege with the +gentleman. She usually serves tea or chocolate herself, but if there +are many guests, she may ask one or two friends to assist her. It is +poor hospitality to insist upon replenishing a cup of tea after a guest +has declined with thanks. + + +RECEIVING THE CHANCE CALLER + +It is not always very convenient to entertain chance callers, +especially if one has some important business or appointment to attend +to. But when the servant at the door has admitted that her mistress is +at home, the hostess should exert every effort to make good the +servant's assurance. She must not keep the caller waiting, nor must she +ask to be excused after the caller has been admitted. If important +business claims her time, she may come to the drawing-room and after +welcoming the visitor, explain the situation and ask to be excused. By +no means may she send a written or verbal excuse by messenger. Having +been admitted, the presence of the hostess is demanded if it is for no +other reason than to offer an excuse. + +If the hostess has no pressing business duties or appointments to which +to attend, it is her duty to afford every hospitality to the chance +caller. If the call is made in the afternoon, and if the hostess +ordinarily serves tea at that hour, she may serve tea, chocolate or +punch with cake or wafers. + +When the caller is a gentleman, and the hostess a young lady, it is +proper to call one's mother or chaperon into the drawing-room to make +the correct introduction, or if the visitor is already known, to +welcome him. A young lady who is well-bred does not entertain gentlemen +until they have been welcomed by her mother. + +When two chance callers arrive at the same time, the hostess is, of +course, under obligation to make the necessary introductions. + + +WHEN THE HOST IS AT HOME + +It is not very often that the host is present at his wife's day at +home, for the very good reason that business claims all his time during +the day. But there is no reason why he should not be present if he +desires to and if it is convenient for him. + +The duty of any masculine member of a family appearing in the +drawing-room on the day at home--whether it be husband, son or +brother--is to share in the honors and obligations of the occasion. He +will be introduced to those visitors with whom he is not already +acquainted, by his wife or sister, as the case may be; and he is +expected to assist in entertaining, pass the cups, make introductions, +accompany departing guests to the door and join in the conversations. + +When it can be arranged it is most delightful for the husband and wife +to receive their friends together. For this reason even formal society +is lenient with regard to time and Sundays may be utilized for "at +homes," teas, or receptions. + + +TAKING LEAVE OF THE HOSTESS + +The hostess is not expected to accompany her departing guests to the +door when there are others still in the room to claim her attention. +However, it is only a matter of genuine friendliness and politeness to +accompany each departing guest as far as the drawing-room door. This +rule does not hold true when one of the guests is infirm, or when the +hostess is entertaining a very distinguished visitor. But ordinarily, +it is all-sufficient to rise when a guest moves to depart, offer one's +hand in cordial farewell, and say, "Good afternoon, Miss Cary. So good +of you to come," or, "Good-by, Mrs. Blank, I hope to hear some more +about that wonderful trip to East India." + +The hostess continues to stand until the guest turns to pass out of the +room. If the guest is a woman, it is a mark of extreme politeness to +remain standing until she has left the room entirely. When all the +guests have departed, the hostess usually accompanies the last visitor +to the hall door; and if it is a special friend, she is privileged to +accompany her to the very street door. However, the hostess must be +careful not to extend any special courtesies to an intimate friend +while other guests are present, nor may she draw a visitor aside to +converse in an undertone about some private or personal affair. + +On rising to depart, a caller seeks out the hostess and bids her a +formal adieu. Prolonged farewells are not the best taste, for they keep +the hostess standing and distracted when there are others who are +entitled to her time and attention. As soon as one intimates that he or +she wishes to depart, a quick but cordial farewell should be taken and +the departure made as soon as possible. To bow oneself out of the +drawing-room is a foreign and wholly undemocratic custom which no +well-bred man or woman recognizes. A slight inclination of the head, a +cordial good-afternoon to the guests, and a formal farewell to the +hostess should be followed by immediate leaving of the room. + +In apartment houses it is a pretty little attention for the hostess to +accompany her guest to the elevator and ring the bell for her. This she +should, of course, not do in the event that there are others present to +claim her attention. + +A gentleman rises from his seat when a woman enters and when she rises +to depart. When taking leave of the hostess he waits for her to offer +her hand, otherwise he merely bows and offers some word of farewell. + + +THE EVENING CALL + +A gentleman is privileged to make his call in return for a hospitality +extended him in the evening. It is considerate of him, when he cannot +call in the afternoon, to call on the evening of the hostess' day at +home. + +When a young man has been asked to call by a young lady, he does not +ask to see her alone but requests of the servant at the door that he +be announced to _the ladies_. This is especially important, for it +infers that he expects to be presented to the young lady's mother or +her chaperon. After he has met her mother, it is entirely proper for +him, when calling, to request to see the particular lady for whom the +visit is intended. + +A gentleman is usually shown into the drawing-room by the servant. He +retains his overcoat and gloves until the servant returns to let him +know that the young lady will receive him presently; then he divests +himself of these garments and either puts them himself in the hall, or +entrusts them to the servant. When the lady enters, he rises, steps +forward to meet her, and does not resume his seat until she has seated +herself. + + +WHEN GENTLEMEN RECEIVE CALLERS + +A lady does not call upon a gentleman unless it is for the purpose of +business. Under such conditions, the gentleman rises, finds her a seat +and proceeds immediately with the matter of business. No social or +domestic topics are introduced. If the interview is to be a short one, +or if the man is pressed for time, he may go out to meet the lady in +the corridor or outer office and stand while he hears her business. + +When a lady is admitted to his private office, a gentleman does not +receive her with his hat on, or with his coat off. He refrains from +smoking, and gives her his whole attention during the interview. If the +telephone rings, he must excuse himself before answering it. He rises +when the lady is ready to leave, opens the door for her, and +accompanies her to the door or elevator if he wishes to be extremely +polite. However, this latter courtesy is necessary only when the +visitor is a relative or special friend. A gentleman merely bows when a +lady takes her departure, unless she herself offers her hand. + +It is quite permissible when certain pressing affairs claim one's +attention to request to be excused or postpone the business call until +some later date. Or if he wishes her to be brief, the gentleman may +courteously request the lady to do so, and he will invariably find that +she will be only too willing to comply with his request. But there can +be no excuse for the man who insists upon being curt to women who call +at his office on matters of business, any more than there is an excuse +for lack of gallantry and courtesy in the drawing-room. + +A gentleman receives his masculine callers at his home as cordially and +with as much hospitality as the lady receives her feminine friends. He +must observe all the rules outlined for the hostess. He greets each +caller formally, makes all necessary introductions, sees that +conversation runs smoothly and pleasantly, and if he wishes, offers +refreshments. When he has a mother or sister to help him entertain, he +may invite women guests, and then it is his duty to accompany each lady +as far as the door and see that her car is in readiness. When the last +guest to depart is a gentleman, the host usually goes with him as far +as the hall door, and assists him with his coat. + + +MAKING A CHANCE CALL + +Very often a call is returned on some other day than that set apart by +the hostess for the day at home. It is not always convenient for +friends and acquaintances to observe a certain day at home, but when +they call on other days they always are faced with uncertainty. Of +course there are some women who do not have a definite day at home, but +they may be found at home almost any afternoon. + +A woman calling on a friend or acquaintance on no definite day makes +some such inquiry as follows of the servant at the door: "Is Mrs. Gray +at home?" or, "Are the ladies in this afternoon?" Having received a +reply in the negative, the caller leaves her card and departs. There +must be no questions as to where the ladies may be, or what time they +shall return, unless one is a particularly intimate friend of the +entire family. + +When the servant announces at the door that her mistress is not at +home, it may mean either that she is out of the house entirely or that +she is so completely occupied with business that she is not able to +entertain. In either case, however, the report of the servant must be +taken as final, and it may not be questioned. + + +INFORMAL CALLS + +We will call it that--these friendly little visits that neighbors make +upon each other in smaller towns, or in less fashionable circles. +Informal calls. But you may call them friendly calls, if you wish. + +In small towns, and especially in the country, women may "drop in" for +a chat with their neighbors any time in the afternoon. Even morning +calls between ten and one o'clock are permissible. There is nothing +formal about these calls. It is not necessary to have a liveried butler +at the door to announce the name, nor a small silver tray on which to +place the caller's card. Butlers, cards and formalities are all +omitted, and the call drops into a delightfully intimate visit. + +It would be ridiculous to attempt to set down a definite time limit for +these calls. They may be as short as twenty minutes or as long as two +hours, depending entirely upon the individuals and the circumstances. +Refreshments may or may not be served as one pleases. Formal greetings +and farewells are dispensed with, and in their place are cordial +"hellos" and "good-bys" that are entirely conducive to good friendship. + +If you feel that, because you are not fortunate enough to own a +pretentious dwelling and to hire impressive butlers and maid-servants +to welcome your guests, you should not make calls and have them +returned, you are depriving yourself of a pleasure infinitely greater +than all elaborate display and ostentation. Simple, informal calls made +for the purpose of creating and developing friendships, and made with a +feeling of genuine cordiality and friendliness, are even more +gratifying than the stiffly formal social calls. + +Do not feel that you are obeying etiquette's decrees when you neglect +your friendships merely because your home and facilities do not warrant +extensive social intercourse. True etiquette is universal in its appeal +and reaches the country-woman in her little cottage as directly as it +reaches the stately dowager in her city mansion. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +VISITING CARDS--AND OTHERS + + +YOUR CARD A REPRESENTATIVE OF YOU + +An interesting anecdote we have in mind will illustrate better than +anything we can say, the importance of the correct card, whether it be +in business or social activities. + +A rather eccentric gentleman discovered an amazing new commodity for +which there had been considerable demand for many years. He became +immediately famous. Reporters besieged his home and office in quest of +interviews, but the reports in the newspapers were of the vaguest and +most indefinite. He shunned publicity, and absolutely refused to see or +speak to anyone. + +Then a brilliant young chap who knew and understood the eccentricities +of the inventor, conceived the idea of having a special card engraved +to send in to him. The others laughed at his "foolish idea" as they +called it, but he had absolute faith in his plan. He had a neat white +card engraved with his name and address, much the same form and size as +the ordinary social card. But in the lower left-hand corner, in tiny +italics, these words were printed: "Wishes to tell the people the truth +about your discovery." + +The card went in to the inventor. The reporter was admitted. And his +paper boasted headlines and columns of startling facts the next day +that no other paper in town had. The very appearance of the card, its +neatness and its obvious originality, commanded the attention of the +man who hated publicity, and caused him to submit to an interview. + +Of course we cannot all have special cards printed for certain +occasions. Nor can we be original to the extent that we do not follow +the rules of etiquette regarding correct forms for social cards. But we +can make our cards so distinctive, so representative of ourselves, that +the recipient will find as much pleasure in receiving them as we in +offering them. And by distinctive we do not mean the fancy or +embellished card, but the one that is strictly in accord with the rules +of good usage as outlined in the following paragraphs. + + +GENERAL RULES REGARDING CARDS + +Social and professional cards should be engraved either on copper or +steel; plain, readable type should be used. Ornate scripts that are +hardly legible should be avoided. Ordinary script type is permissible, +but it must not be fancy or comprised wholly of swinging flourishes. A +plain letter is always preferable. The ordinary Roman type, or any new +modification of it, or Gothic lettering, is always in good taste. + +When a large quantity of cards is desired, the copper-plate should be +requested, as the greatest number of clear impressions can be taken +from it. Requests may also be made of the stationer to use an embossed +plate so that the letters stand out in relief. The color should be +white or cream. Other colors are in bad taste, although sometimes buff +and pale blue cards are used by professional men and women. The stock +should be thin; not as thin as paper, but much thinner than that used +for other kinds of cards. + +Cards are engraved with the owner's name and address, or with the name +alone. If it is a professional card, the word "Artist" or +"Attorney-at-law" or whatever the profession happens to be may appear +in the lower left-hand corner. Military men may also print their rank +or position in this corner, as may also professors and others holding a +title of distinction. + +The engraving of names and addresses should never be in any color but +black. Black engraving on a pure white card is the best form for the +social card. Gilt letterings are an indication of ignorance, and so are +brightly colored engraving or highly tinted paper. + + +SIZE OF CARDS FOR WOMEN + +Each new visiting season brings with it new fashions in cards--fashions +that chiefly affect the size of the card. Thus it would hardly be +practical to state definitely correct sizes. But we will give here the +approximate size for the woman's visiting and social cards, and exact +information can be acquired from one's personal stationer or from one +of the current magazines which run special departments to take care of +matters of this kind. + +When a lady's card bears her name only, it should never measure more +than two and seven-eighths inches in length and two and one-eighth +inches in width. No card should be smaller than two and one-half inches +in length and one and seven-eighths inches in width. A double card, on +which the names of both mother and daughter or both husband and wife +appear, should be about three inches and a half in length, by two and +one-half in width. No decorations of any kind should be used on a card. + +Polite society at the present time favors pure white, unglazed bristol +board about two and two-thirds inches in length by two and one-eighth +inches in width. + + +SIZE AND MATERIAL OF CARDS FOR MEN + +It is usual for a man's card to be narrower and the least bit shorter +than a woman's. The ordinary size is two and five-eighths inches by one +and three-eighths inches, but like the woman's card is subject to +change. The stationer will be able to give definite information +regarding the size of the man's card at the present time. + +A man's card is as severely simple and unadorned as the woman's. No +ornamentation, no flourish in the lettering. Just plain, readable type +or script engraved in black upon white. The card itself should be of +polished, but not glazed, bristol board, the kind that is flexible and +thin. Some gentlemen have their cards made of especially thin stock to +avoid bulky card cases or waistcoat pockets. + +A bachelor may have his home address engraved in the lower right-hand +corner of his card, with the name of his favorite club opposite. If he +resides entirely at his club, the name is engraved in the lower +right-hand corner. It is bad form to have a business address engraved +on one's social visiting card. An at-home day is never given on a +gentleman's card, but appears in the lower left-hand corner of his +wife's card. A bachelor is not expected to devote a definite day to the +entertaining of callers unless he is an artist with a studio. + + +TITLES ON CARDS FOR WOMEN + +A woman's visiting card should be engraved solely with her name, +address and day at home. Any decorations such as gilded edges, crests +or superfluous engravings are an indication of bad taste. + +In America a lady never assumes any title other than Mrs. or Miss on +her social card. There is only one exception to this rule: a +professional woman may use her title of doctor of medicine, etc. In +this case, even though she is married, she drops her husband's +Christian names and signs herself Marian M. Browning, M.D. + +A woman does not share, on her cards, the honorary titles of her +husband. For instance, the wife of our president has her cards engraved +"Mrs. Warren Gamaliel Harding." The wife of a secretary, judge, general +or admiral does not use any title other than Mrs. Even the woman who is +a successful physician should not use her title on her social cards, +unless, as explained above, she is elderly. It is wise for a woman +physician to have two sets of cards, one with her name and title, and +with her office hours in the corner, the other with her name alone, and +her house address in the corner. A physician's social card should be +engraved simply "Miss Marian Mansfield Browning." + +It is always better form to give in full the Christian name or names, +as well as the surname. It is not tasteful to indicate by an initial +only the husband's first name, and engrave his middle name, thus: "Mrs. +J. Henry Williams." Both names should be given in full. It is not +considered dignified to use abbreviations of a husband's name, as Frank +for Francis, Alec for Alexander, Joe for Joseph. Nor should an +unmarried woman use such abbreviations of her name as Polly, Sally, +Dolly, etc. + +The wife who is the senior matron of the senior branch of a family may +drop both her husband's first and middle names from her cards, and have +them read simply: "Mrs. Robinson." Her eldest unmarried daughter is +entitled to use a card reading: "Miss Robinson." When the name is a +very ordinary one like Brown or Smith, it is always wiser to use the +Christian names to avoid confusion. + +A spinster, or as the modern woman likes to call herself, the "bachelor +girl," may not use cards engraved merely Miss Gray, unless she is the +oldest daughter of a family. She has her cards engraved in either of +the three following forms: "Miss Mary Hammond Gray" or "Miss Mary H. +Gray" or just "Miss Mary Gray." The first initial should never be used, +except when the young lady is known by her middle name, unless +professional purposes demand it. + + _Mrs. John Jay Holmes + 12 West Street_ + + _Miss Helen Holmes + 12 West Street_ + + +CARDS FOR WIDOWS + +A widow is privileged to retain her husband's Christian name on her +card if she wishes, unless her eldest son is married and bears the full +name of his deceased father. In this case, of course, there would be +confusion, and it is much wiser for her to have her cards engraved with +her own Christian and middle names, in this manner: "Mrs. Lucille May +Hopkins." If there is no reason for her to drop her husband's Christian +and middle names after his death, she may sign herself: "Mrs. Henry +Waltam Hopkins." + +At the present time, it is good form for the woman who has been +divorced to use her maiden surname with the surname of the divorced or +deceased husband, dropping all Christian names. Thus a woman whose +maiden name was Harris would have her cards engraved "Mrs. Harris +Smith" if she is divorced from her husband. The name, even if she +resumes her full maiden name, should be prefixed by "Mrs.," never by +"Miss." A widow should avoid following the style prescribed for a +divorced woman, since it is likely to cause embarrassing ambiguity. + +It is fully permissible for a widow to revive her maiden name after +several years of widowhood. The divorced woman, however, may not use +her maiden name on her cards until there has been a legal annulment of +her marriage, in which case, as was stated above, she uses it with the +title "Mrs.," not "Miss." + + +THE YOUNG LADY'S CARD + +When a young lady has been formally introduced to society by her +mother, she uses for her first year of calls, cards that bear her name +below that of her mother. She assumes a private card only when she is +no longer a _débutante_. The joint card, as it is called, should +be larger in size than the card her mother ordinarily uses, and the +young lady's Christian and middle names should be used unless she is +the eldest daughter of the family. A model card appears below: + + _Mrs. Robert Cole + Miss Jean Evelyn Cole + Tuesdays South Street_ + +When mother and daughter pay calls together, this one card serves for +both. But when the daughter makes calls alone, she runs a pencil line +lightly through her mother's name--unless, of course, she is merely +leaving cards and not making formal calls. The mother does not use the +double card when calling alone, unless she is leaving cards for herself +and her daughter. Very often the double card, with the name of mother +and daughter, is used even after the daughter has emerged from her +_débutanteship_, when both are visiting together. In less formal +society the daughter has her own card bearing only her name, with or +without title, which she uses whenever the occasion demands it, and in +many instances, even when she makes her _début_ she has a card of +her own which she uses instead of or in addition to the one which she +shares with her mother. + +When daughters make their _début_ in society at the same time, the +name of the mother appears nearest the top, as before, directly below +it is "Miss Cole" for the eldest daughter, and below that "Miss Edna +Cole" for her younger sister. The form "The Misses Cole" may also be +used when there are two or three daughters. The joint card is used to +announce the address and at-home day, at the beginning of the season; +but it is also used when the ladies of a family send a wedding gift +with their card, when they send flowers to an invalided friend or when +they make calls of condolence or congratulation together. + +There are several other double, or joint, cards used besides those of +the mother and daughter. A motherless girl, living with her father, may +couple her name with his. Sisters who have no parents may use a double +card with the name of the older engraved above that of the younger, or +with the simple inscription, "The Misses Gray." A sister who is +unmarried often shares a joint card with a married sister, when they +are living together. A chaperon and motherless girl, an aunt and +unmarried niece are entitled to use joint cards if they wish. + +After her first season, a young lady, when calling alone, uses her own +card. However, if her mother is an active hostess who issues her cards +every season and receives with her daughters, she does not indicate a +day at home on her personal cards. A supply of double cards should +always be available when there are daughters in the family, even though +they issue their own cards, for many instances arise when the double +card is more acceptable than any other. + + +INDICATING THE DAY AT HOME + +The lower left-hand corner of the visiting card is reserved for the day +at home. If one day each week--or rather one afternoon from three until +six o'clock each week--is devoted to the entertaining of visitors, the +word "Fridays" or "Tuesdays" is engraved in the corner. There need be +no explanation, no further details, unless the hostess for some reason +wishes to state the hours during which she will be receiving, in which +case it is quite permissible to add them to the names of the day or +days. + +Sometimes particular limits are set on the days at home. For instance +some hostesses are at home only one afternoon in every second, or every +third, week. This requires special wording. For instance, "First and +Fourth Wednesdays" or "First Fridays" (meaning first Fridays in the +month). One may also set a time limit by having one's cards engraved: +"Tuesdays until Lent" or "Mondays until April," or "Wednesdays, +December 9--16--23." + + +THE MARRIED COUPLE'S CARD + +The married woman finds many occasions to use the card that is engraved +with her husband's and her name. It is never used to announce her day +at home, unless he is to receive with her, though she may use it when +calling, if she wishes. + +The double card for a married couple is larger than the individual +card, but just about the size of the double card used for mother and +daughter. A model is shown below. + + _Mr. and Mrs. John Blake + 200 West End Avenue_ + +Brides use the joint card when returning calls made upon them after +their return from the honeymoon. It is also customary for such a card +to be inclosed with a wedding invitation or with an announcement of +marriage, to give the united names of the couple with their future +address and day at home. If this last plan is not followed, the bride +posts, immediately upon her return home, a double card bearing her +address and day at home, to all her own and her husband's friends. The +double card is then rarely used, except for such occasions as when +husband and wife send a gift together, or pay calls of inquiry, +condolence or congratulation together. + + +USING JR. AND SR. + +"Jr." is a contraction of the word Junior; "Sr." is a contraction of +the word "Senior." These suffixes are not generally used on women's +cards, but there are several occasions when they are necessary. There +is, for instance, the lady whose husband bearing the same name as his +father lives in the same town. Her cards must bear the suffix "Jr." if +they are not to be confused with the cards of her mother-in-law. + +In this instance, if the mother-in-law were a widow using her husband's +full name, it would be necessary for her to add the word "Senior," or +its abbreviation, "Sr.," after her name to avoid having it confused +with that of her daughter-in-law. The latter would, in this case, omit +the "Jr." from her cards. If both women lost their husbands, and both +wished to retain the husband's Christian names on their cards, the +discriminating "Jr." and "Sr." should be used. These suffixes do not +have to be used if the younger widow only retains the Christian names +of her husband, and the older woman revives the use of her own +Christian and middle names. "Jr." and "Sr." may appear on the cards in +their abbreviated forms. Indeed, it is preferable if the name is a long +one. + + +TITLES ON CARDS FOR MEN + +A gentleman's card should always bear some distinguishing title. The +only time when "Mr." may be omitted, is when "Jr." or "Sr." follows the +name, or when some honorary title is conferred. A boy under sixteen may +have a card which bears only his name without title. + +Undignified abbreviations or contractions of names should never be used +on a gentleman's card. The inscription should read: "Mr. Robert W. +Blake" or, preferably, "Mr. Robert Walter Blake." Such contractions as +"Mr. Bob Blake" or "Mr. R. Walter Blake" are discountenanced by good +society. Only the gentleman who represents the head of the senior +branch of his family may use a card with his name engraved simply, "Mr. +Blake." + +Very often a bachelor has his home address engraved in the lower +right-hand corner of his card, with the name of his favorite club in +the corner opposite. If he resides entirely at his club, its name +occupies the place usually reserved on the card for home addresses. An +at-home day is never given on a gentleman's card, unless he is an +artist and has many friends who are fond of coming to his studio. + +In the army, only those men whose ranks are above captain use their +military title on their visiting cards. Others use merely the prefix +"Mr." Men who are officers of volunteer regiments are not entitled to +the use of military titles on their cards, and they should be careful +to use only "Mr." before their names. A captain, major, or colonel in +the army signifies in the corner of the card whether his command is in +the artillery, the infantry, or the cavalry. + +A Justice of the Supreme Court has his cards engraved with the title +Mr. Justice preceding his name, thus: "Mr. Justice John Emmonds Gary." +Lawyers and judges of the lower courts may use only the prefix "Mr." +Presidents of colleges, officers of the navy, physicians and clergymen +all signify their office, rank or profession on their cards. A +physician may have his card engraved in either of these two approved +manners: "Dr. Everett Johnson" or "Everett Johnson, M.D." A clergyman +who has received his degree does not use the title "Dr.," but has his +cards engraved, "Elmer J. Burnham, D.D." Other men with honorary titles +follow a similar style. + +Members of the cabinet, if they wish, may have their cards formally +engraved "The Secretary of State," "The Secretary of War," "The +Secretary of the Interior," etc. A senator, however, may use only the +prefix "Mr.," having his cards engraved "Mr. Johnson." Of course the +president and vice-president, and ambassadors indicate their office and +rank on their card, as do also all professors and deans of colleges. A +member of the faculty of Yale would have his cards inscribed, "Mr. +Walter Beacon Clark, Yale University." Foreign consuls and +representatives use only the title "Mr." + +Business addresses should never be used on a gentleman's social card. A +physician or clergyman need not follow this rule, provided that no +office hours are given. + + _Mr. Robert Livingston + 4 West Tenth Street_ + + +PROFESSIONAL CARDS FOR MEN + +Professional cards and visiting cards should always be kept distinct +from each other. The physician who uses his professional card, with +business hours engraved on it, for a social call, is committing an +irretrievable blunder in etiquette. + +A physician has the privilege of choosing either of two forms for his +professional card. He may prefix his name with "Dr." or add the +initials "M.D." to it. In the lower right-hand corner of the card, his +house address is engraved; and in the opposite corner, his office +hours. For his social cards, the physician omits the office hours and +uses M.D. after his name rather than "Dr." before it. + +"Rev." or "Reverend," is the approved title for a clergyman. Cards are +engraved: "Reverend Raymond Falke Fleming" or "Rev. Raymond F. +Fleming." A clergyman who is entitled to the degree of doctor may use +all his titles on his professional cards, but has his social card +engraved merely: "Ralph Kendrick Williams, D.D." + +Not infrequently it happens that a man has occasion to write his name +on a card with his own hand. In this case he does not omit the +conventional "Mr.," or his honorary titles, but writes his name +identically as it would appear if engraved. + +No card should be crowded with a great deal of information but a +business card may bear whatever is necessary really to represent the +person whose name appears upon it. The salesman or other representative +of a large firm has the name of the firm on his business card and the +man who is in a highly specialized kind of work such as advertising, +may have the word "Advertising" engraved on his card. An agent for a +particular kind of commodity may have this fact indicated on his +business card. Such details have, of course, absolutely no place on the +social card. + + +CARDS FOR MOURNING + +The tradition of edging a card with black in deference to the dead can +be traced back to the ancient Patagonians who used black paint to +denote the passing of a spirit. They painted their bodies black, if +they were near relatives of the deceased, and painted all the +belongings of the dead man or woman black. This may not have been so +much mourning as it was fear, for these people of long ago were afraid +of death, and they used the death-color largely to please the spirit of +the one who died. Perhaps the black-bordered mourning cards we use +to-day are used more in the spirit of ostentation and display rather +than that of mourning. + +Unless one is truly sorrowing over the death of some dear one, mourning +cards should not be used. When they are used, the borders should be +very narrow--never more than one-fourth of an inch. They should not be +carried by people who are not in strict mourning garments. + +During the first year of widowhood, the mourning card should have a +black border one-fourth of an inch deep. The second year the border may +be diminished one-sixteenth of an inch; and every six months after +that, the same amount may be detracted from the border, until mourning +is put off entirely. A widower's card has a border narrower than the +widow's in proportion to the size of their respective cards. It, too, +is gradually decreased in width until the end of the mourning period. + +This graduation, or rather gradual narrowing, of the border is not used +in the mourning of a sister's, brother's or parent's death. For these +relatives, a border not less than a sixteenth or more than an eighth of +an inch in width should be used. Mourning cards should not be assumed +for an uncle, aunt or cousin, unless genuine sorrow and heartfelt +sympathy are felt. A border that is a sixteenth of an inch in width is +sufficient for the complete period of mourning for these latter +relatives. + +The mourning cards of parents and widows should bear the broadest black +borders, but even they must not exceed the conventional width, which is +not more than one-fourth of an inch. Very wide, glaring borders denote +bad taste on the part of the owner. (See footnote)[1] + + [1] There seems to be a tendency for widows to use, the first + year of their mourning, cards that have borders measuring + one-third of an inch in width. Certainly if one is in deep + mourning, and genuinely sorrowing, a border of this width is + permissible. But the one-quarter inch border, varying down to + one-sixteenth of an inch, is always preferred, always in better + taste. + + +WHEN THE WOMAN GOES A-CALLING + +A visiting card is always left on the hall table or on the card tray, +if it is not given to the servant. The caller must on no occasion carry +it in and present it to her hostess like a _billet d'admission_. A +woman _never_ presents it herself to her hostess. + +When the call is made on the hostess' day at home, cards are left on +the tray in the hall as each caller passes through to the drawing- or +reception-room. If it is the first call of the season, to that +particular friend or acquaintance, she places one of her own cards and +one of her husband's in the tray. Subsequent calls of the season do not +require one of her own cards left each time in the tray; but if the +call is made in return for some hospitality or entertainment accorded +her and her husband, she leaves two of the latter's cards--provided, +only, that the hostess is a married woman. + +Until about 1893, women, when paying calls and finding that the hostess +was not at home, turned down the left corner of the card towards the +center, to indicate that all the women members of the family were +included in the call. If the right corner was also turned down, it +meant that the visitor came to make a formal call, not for the simple +purpose of card-leaving. This custom has been entirely eliminated in +America, at any rate, though it still prevails in certain foreign +countries. And rightly so, for it is both affected and untidy. + + +WHEN MORE THAN ONE CARD IS LEFT + +A wife beginning her rounds of first calls, leaves two of her husband's +cards with one of her own. She repeats this when she comes to +congratulate or condole, and when she pays her final calls of the +season. It is wise for a wife always to carry a number of her husband's +cards in her card case, as she is often called upon to use them for +such social occasions that the busy business man is loath to attend. + +If a wife calls upon a friend who is entertaining for a friend or +relative and the invitation included her husband, she leaves three of +his cards with one of her own if the hostess is a married woman, two of +his and one of hers if she is single. She never leaves one of her +husband's cards for an unmarried daughter. She should not use the card +bearing both her name and that of her husband but should use two +separate cards when it is in connection with social calls. + +Etiquette does not permit a woman to leave a card for a man. She may +call on a man only for the purpose of business, and then she uses her +business cards, if she has them, instead of her social ones. A married +woman calling upon a single woman who is the hostess and mistress of +her own home, leaves one of her own cards and one of her husband's, or +the joint card which is engraved, "Mr. and Mrs. William Allan +Beckford." In many instances it may seem more courteous to leave more +than one card, but a woman calling alone should never leave more than +three. It has not been many years since she was almost compelled to +leave half a dozen or more but common sense intervened and this custom +like most others has been simplified. + + +SOME MORE POINTS ABOUT CALLS AND CARDS + +A young lady during her first year in society may leave her name on the +same card with her mother's. If there are two _débutante_ daughters, +the joint card is made to suffice for all three. If a young lady using +separate cards calls on a friend's day at home, she may put two cards +into the tray on entering, if the hostess is receiving with a friend or +daughter, or she may leave only one card, if she prefers. This is done +only when the call is the first of the season, or when it is in return +for some entertainment. Otherwise, if the young lady is a frequent +visitor to the house, and calls on her friend's day at home, she need +not leave her card. + +Neither a matron nor a young lady may leave a card for a masculine +member of the household. A young lady paying a chance call on a mother +and daughters, and being told that the ladies are out, leaves two of +her cards. An unmarried woman calling on her married friend leaves but +one card. But if this friend has a friend or relative receiving with +her, or if she has a daughter or daughters in society, then a card is +left for each of the ladies. + +An unmarried woman, living with a father or brother, and acting as +mistress of the household, has cards left for her as carefully as the +matron. A widow must also be given scrupulous attention in the matter +of cards. + +A young lady who calls after a dance, dinner or theater party leaves a +card for the mother of the young friend upon whom she calls. If a +mother gives a dance or dinner in honor of her son just returned from +college, or just leaving for college, the ladies who attend call +afterward only on the hostess and leave their cards for her. + +Sometimes, one calls upon a friend or acquaintance at a hotel or inn. +If the ladies are out, the caller leaves cards marked for the persons +they are intended, in pencil. Otherwise they are likely to go astray, +considering the indifference and carelessness of the average servants. +It is also customary for both men and women, when paying calls in +strange neighborhoods, to write on their cards their temporary address. +The corner that is opposite that used for the permanent address is +devoted to the filling-in of this temporary address. + + +THE CHANCE CALLS + +If a married woman calls in return for some hospitality shown her and +her husband, she leaves two of her own cards and two of his. But if it +is just a social call, she leaves only her own card. In this latter +case, she asks at the door to see the ladies. If she is informed that +they are not at home, she gives the card to the maid and departs. On +the other hand, if the ladies are at home, the card is placed on the +tray in the hall, and the caller goes into the drawing-room to be +welcomed by her friends. + +If the maid does not know whether or not the ladies are at home, and +says she will see, the caller gives her own card and goes into the +drawing-room to wait further word from the maid. Should the ladies be +out, she leaves two of her husband's cards on the card tray in the hall +before leaving. If the ladies are at home, she does not deposit her +husband's cards in the tray until her departure. + +Very often a lady will call on a very good friend, more for a friendly +little talk and for companionship than for social duty. In this case, +she is privileged to send up only one card; and leave it behind, +whether that lady is out or in, without any other cards. + + +SIMPLE CARD-LEAVING + +Frequently, cards are left when there is no intention on the part of +the owner to make a call. To return calls made upon one, by persistent +card-leaving, is to indicate that one wishes to draw a friendship to a +close. It is accomplished merely by leaving a card, on no particular +at-home day but simply by chance, and by making no inquiries of the +servant. One says to a servant, "Please forward these cards to Miss +Adams" or, "These cards are for Mr. and Mrs. Blakelock." + +There are several exceptions--several occasions when cards may be left +without a formal call and still indicate no desire to terminate an +acquaintanceship. It is only persistent card-leaving that is indicative +of this latter. A lady in mourning, for instance, is privileged to +leave her cards only in return for invitations she may have received. +It is proper for people in mourning to leave cards for all those +persons who called after the burial to leave cards of condolence; these +return cards are usually black-bordered, and they are left about one +month after the funeral. + +Another custom that remains unchanged through the constant evolution of +social culture, is that of leaving cards for the bride's mother when +invitations to the church ceremony only are received, and when the +bride's mother is a stranger to the person invited. Upon receiving the +announcement of a wedding, the proper thing to do is to leave cards for +the bride's mother, even though she is a total stranger. + +Cards must be left by each guest for the lady who has entertained a +club, charity or literary organization, at her home. They serve the +same purpose as cards that are left after an entertainment or +hospitality on the part of the hostess. + +The custom of card-leaving without a call is also observed when a +friend or acquaintance goes to a home that has been visited by death. + + +SHOULD A STRANGER LEAVE CARDS? + +The question has often been asked, whether or not a man or woman being +entertained by friends, is obligated to leave cards when they accompany +those friends on calls. There are certain varying conditions that +govern the answer to this question. + +The stranger is invited to accompany the caller primarily as a matter +of convenience. If the person visited is not at home, no question of +card-leaving is involved--only the friend leaves cards and not the +stranger. But if the hostess is found at home, and if the stranger +intends to spend at least two weeks in the neighborhood, it is +necessary for him, or her, to leave cards. It is not necessary for the +stranger to leave cards when the visit in the neighborhood is to be a +short one, and the call is entirely a matter of convenience. If no card +is left, the hostess will understand that no call is expected in +return, and that the stranger expects no invitations to the coming +social activities in the neighborhood. + +Sometimes a man or woman accompanies a friend or relative to the home +of a stranger, for the purpose, previously arranged, of being +introduced and paying a first call. Here the etiquette of card-leaving +is clearly defined. If the call is made on the day at home, the caller +leaves his or her cards on the hall table, just as for any other first +call. But if it happens to be a chance call, and the hostess is not at +home, the stranger leaves cards with those of a friend. + +When two women pay a chance call together, and one is a perfect +stranger at the house visited, no question of card etiquette arises if +the hostess is not at home. But if she is at home, the stranger may +pencil his or her name on the card that the friend sends up. No card is +left by this stranger, unless he has been cordially entertained in the +hostess' drawing-room, served with tea, and unless the hostess has +expressed a desire of meeting him, or her, again. In this case, a card +is left when the stranger is departing, and a return call is expected. + + +CARDS AND BUSINESS CALLS + +The laws of social calling and card-leaving do not hold true when a +business call is made. A special set of rules takes care of all +business calls that the woman may make. + +The usage which governs the woman who is calling upon a man on a matter +of business has already been described. She does not send in her card. +To give her name to the attendant, stating her business, or to write +both on a slip of paper provided for the purpose, is sufficient. + +If the business call is made on a woman who is a stranger to the other +woman who is making the call, it is necessary to send in one card, +inscribed with the name of the caller and a few penciled words +regarding the nature of the business. Or the card may be sent in with a +brief word to the servant regarding the purpose of the call. + +Two women who are on charity committees, or other committees, together, +who are social equals but who do not exchange cards and calls, have a +special card etiquette to follow when calling upon each other regarding +matters of mutual interest on the committee. The caller sends up one of +her own personal cards with a word or two explaining the object of the +call. This card is left with the servant to give to the hostess if she +is not at home. + + +WHEN A MAN LEAVES CARDS + +All the rules of card-leaving outlined for the woman who follows the +dictates of social calling, may be applied to the well-bred young +man--but with the following exceptions: + +A man never leaves the cards of any other man, nor does he assume any +of the card-leaving duties incurred by the feminine members of his +family. When calling on a lady's afternoon at home, the gentleman +leaves one card for the hostess and one for the host on the card tray, +on entering the house. Whether the host is at home or not, if the +caller is acquainted with him, he must leave one of his cards for him, +provided that the call is being made in return for some hospitality +enjoyed. If there is a young daughter in the family with whom the +caller is acquainted, a third card must be left. + +A young man, calling at the home of a young lady, asks to see the +ladies, meaning the mother or chaperon as well as the particular young +lady herself. No well-mannered young man asks to see only one lady, +when there are several others in the house. If the ladies are out, he +may leave a sufficient number of cards for all of them, including one +for the host or he may leave one card without explanation. If the +ladies are in, he still leaves a card for the host on the hall table +when he is departing. + +When making his first or last call of the season, a man may leave one +card for each one of the ladies and each one of the men of the +household with whom he is acquainted. This holds true only when the +call is made on the day at home, or on a Sunday afternoon or evening. +The man who calls on a lady's day at home, and whose call has no +reference to any social debts or obligations, leaves only one card--and +if he is an intimate friend of the house where the call is made, he +leaves no cards at all. + +Men's social calls are few. Business affairs require most of their +time, and the duty of card-leaving is generally given into the hands of +a feminine relative--either mother, sister or wife. Married men +invariably entrust their formal social duties to their wives, but +single men must not take advantage of this privilege. It is all very +well for a mother or sister to leave the cards of a son or brother who +is busy at his office on the hostesses whose hospitality they enjoyed +together. But when a young man is entertained by a hostess who is not +on his mother's or sister's visiting list, it is very important for him +to make his return calls in person. This is especially true in regard +to dinner and ball hospitalities--they require immediate and cordial +reciprocation in the matter of calls and card-leaving. + + +THE MAN'S CHANCE CALL + +Unless the ladies are in the drawing-room, ready to receive, a man, +upon making a chance call, sends up his card or cards to the people he +wishes to see. If the servant who opens the door does not know whether +or not the ladies are at home, or if she says that they are at home but +not downstairs, the caller places his cards on the tray and waits in +the drawing-room for the return of the servant. + +If the call is made after a ball, dinner or theater party, and the +young man is calling on the young ladies of the household, he sends up +a card for each young lady, and also one for the mother or chaperon. If +the call is made for the express purpose of seeing one particular young +lady, a card must be sent up for her and for her mother or chaperon. +Two cards are also required when a man calls upon a married couple, in +whose name he has received some hospitality. He sends up one card for +each. + +After having called several times at a certain house, obviously for the +purpose of seeing a young lady of the family and enjoying her society, +it is no longer necessary to include the chaperon in the ceremony of +card-leaving.[2] (See footnote.) One may send a card up only to the +lady one wishes to see. + + [2] _Chaperon_ being to-day a practically obsolete term, we + use it here to signify the parent or guardian most directly + concerned with the social welfare of the young lady. + + +ABOUT LEAVING AND POSTING CARDS + +When an invalid, elderly lady or woman in deep mourning desires to +repay by some courtesy, calls made upon her or invitations received, +she may leave cards at a door instead of paying a personal call, or +sending them by post or messenger. A very busy hostess may employ the +same means of returning a dinner call or first call that she owes a +friend or acquaintance, especially if she is desirous of extending an +invitation. Instead of leaving the card, she may even, for lack of time +and opportunity, post it with an engraved or written invitation. + +A man or woman unable to accept an invitation, extended by a hostess to +whom he or she is a stranger, is obligated to leave cards within two +weeks after the entertainment. Similarly, the guests, men and women, +invited to the ceremony of a church wedding, leave cards for the +bride's mother within two weeks after the wedding. Even though one is a +stranger to the mother, this card must be left as a matter of courtesy +and social obligation. People who receive cards announcing a marriage +are also expected to leave cards for the mother of the bride. A friend +of the groom who is a stranger to the bride and her family, and who +finds that he is unable to attend the ceremony to which he has been +invited, need not pay a call, but must leave a card for the bride's +mother a week or two after the wedding. + +Other occasions requiring card-leaving are those inquiries regarding +the health and condition of a friend; sympathy and good feeling in the +event of some misfortune; condolence; congratulation; and upon +announcing a prolonged absence from, or a reëntrance into, society. A +change of address is also usually made known by means of card-leaving. + +[Illustration: © Brown Bros. + +DECORATIONS FOR A WEDDING IN A SMALL CHURCH + +In a simple church such as the one pictured above the ribbon at the end +of the pews may be omitted] + +If one is invited to an afternoon or evening reception, and finds it +impossible to attend, cards should be sent either by mail or messenger, +so that they reach the hostess on the day of her entertainment. If the +cards are sent by hand or by post, they should be enclosed in a card +envelope, sealed, and addressed to the host and hostess--provided, of +course, that both of their names appear on the invitation. If the +affair is in honor of some special person a card is left for or sent to +that person in addition to the one for the hostess. + +If posted cards of regret are sent by a single woman, she includes one +for the _débutante_ or for the guest of honor, in addition to the one +enclosed for the hostess. The married woman adds to these two, three +more of her husband's. A single man, under the same circumstances, +sends three of his cards if the reception is given in honor of a +_débutante_ or a guest of honor (masculine or feminine), and if the +invitation was issued in the name of a host and hostess. + +One may send cards of inquiry, congratulation and condolence by post or +messenger, only if one is indisposed, invalided, or inconveniently +situated at a great distance from the persons addressed. It is always +better form to pay these calls in person, and leave the cards oneself. +However, the cards of inquiry, congratulation and condolence may all be +acknowledged by post or messenger, as one desires. + + +LEAVING CARDS OF INQUIRY + +On one's card, the words "To inquire" or "May you recover rapidly" may +be penciled when a call of inquiry regarding the health of a friend is +made. During a long illness, calls by friends and acquaintances who +have been in the habit of making social calls, should be made at least +three times a week. By these "calls," you understand, we mean mere +calls of inquiry when the card is left by the door and the patient is +not seen personally. + +Card-leaving for inquiry, condolence and congratulation is invariably +made in person. Before a funeral, an engraved card with a word or two +of regret penciled on the right side, may be entrusted to the servant. +When husbands and wives call separately or together, they leave their +own individual cards. In cases of this kind, they do not leave cards +for each other. But when a married couple calls to offer sympathy for +the loss of a daughter or son, two of the husband's and one of the +wife's cards are left. Only one card each is left for a widow, as for a +widower also. Cards left for orphaned children are meant for the +oldest, who now represents the head of the family. + +About two weeks after a funeral, cards are left with the mourning +family, unless a special call of condolence is made. In this case, the +cards are left just as though it were a social call being made. +Black-bordered cards are never used except by people who are themselves +in mourning. A matron may leave cards for her entire family, and a +sister may fulfill the duty for a busy brother. + +It is neither complimentary nor genuinely courteous to post a card to +inquire after a friend or acquaintance who is ill. It should be left at +the door in person, after asking news of the invalid's condition. A +word of cheer or inquiry may be penciled below the caller's name, +engraved on the card. + +Calls of inquiry, condolence and the like are made without reference to +social indebtedness, but in all other cases except among intimate +friends, the convention of alternating calls should be adhered to. + + +ACKNOWLEDGING CALLS OF INQUIRY AND CONDOLENCE + +A large, square card in plain white or with a black border, inscribed +as follows, is ideal to send to those people who called to offer +sympathy and condolence during a bereavement, posted two weeks after +the funeral: + + _Mrs. Robert Guy Mannering and Family + gratefully acknowledge + your kind expression of sympathy + upon the death of their + beloved + husband and father + Robert Guy Mannering._ + +Another acceptable form frequently used to acknowledge calls of +condolence before and after a funeral, is: + + _The family of the late John Ray + acknowledge with sincere appreciation + your kind sympathy._ + +The name "John Ray" may appear on the second line by itself, or it may +be part of the first line as shown above, entirely according to taste +or the prevalent popular custom. The address of the bereaved family +should appear towards the bottom of the card, slightly to the left. It +is always better form to have it printed in italics. + +Invalids, to express gratitude for the courtesies shown them by +friends, write or dictate notes of thanks immediately upon becoming +well again. Often a popular hostess will receive a vast number of +solicitous cards and notes of inquiry during an illness, and it will be +necessary for her in her still weakened state, to trust to the mails to +thank the friends and acquaintances who inquired for her. She may send +her ordinary visiting card, with the words, "Thank you for your kind +inquiries" or others to that effect, written across it. "Thanks" should +never be used instead of "Thank you." Its brevity carries a suggestion +of discourtesy. + + +ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS + +At the present time, the vogue of sending out cards announcing a death +in the family, has been almost entirely discontinued in better society. +Instead, an announcement is inserted in the newspapers, giving +particulars about the death and also the day of the funeral. It is by +far a more satisfactory method. A typical newspaper announcement +follows: + + _Cole.--At Whitehouse, N.J., on February 23, 1921, Rose Emily, + beloved wife of Robert M. Cole, succumbed to pneumonia. Services at + Chapel, Albany Rural Cemetery, Saturday, February 26, at 3 P.M._ + +When a betrothal takes place, announcement cards are sometimes sent +out, but it is not necessary to have specially engraved cards. As a +rule, the mother of the happy young bride writes notes to intimate +friends and acquaintances, or inscribes the news on her visiting cards +and posts them to those of her friends with whom both she and her +daughter are most intimate. + +Weddings are usually announced by means of engraved cards. The correct +form for these is given elsewhere. Engraved cards also announce the +birth of a child. For this, one may have a tiny white card engraved +with the baby's name, and attached to the mother's card with a narrow +white satin ribbon. It is posted to all friends and acquaintances. In +lieu of an address, which appears on mother's card, baby's card bears +the date of the birth in the lower right-hand corner. The joint card of +the father and mother may be used to announce the birth of a child, the +full name of the infant being engraved in small letters above the names +of its parents. + +The card announcing the birth of a child is sent by mail. Immediately +upon its receipt, friends and acquaintances make calls to inquire after +the health of mother and child, and to leave cards for both. When one +is prevented from calling--and there should always be sufficient reason +for _not_ calling--one may respond to the card of announcement by +posting one's own card to the mother, with congratulations penciled +above the name. Acknowledgment of some kind must be made promptly. + + +WHEN TRAVELING + +To the man or woman who travels, those tiny bits of bristol board are +important factors in keeping him or her in touch with the home social +life left behind. When one arrives at a strange place, perhaps +thousands of miles from a friend, and one intends to remain there for +several weeks--or months--one's visiting cards posted to all friends +and acquaintances, and bearing one's temporary address, ties one to +home in a particularly pleasing way. Letters follow in their wake. News +of social activities reach one. And one begins to feel that after all, +this strange land is not so distant! + +And so, if you travel, remember that as soon as you reach a place where +you intend to stop for a short while, send out visiting cards to all +your friends, relatives and acquaintances, and let them know your +temporary address. It may be written in pencil or ink above the home +address. When you change your address permanently, be sure that all +your friends and acquaintances know of the change. For this purpose, +the old visiting cards are the best to use; they may be sent with a +line drawn through the old address, and the new written above it. + +A man stopping at a hotel for a week or two, and desirous of letting +his friends in the vicinity know of his whereabouts, posts his cards +bearing the temporary address, to all his masculine friends, and calls +and leaves his card upon the women he wishes to see. A woman stopping +at a hotel or resort, posts her visiting cards, with the temporary +address above her home address, to all whose attention she wishes to +claim,--men and women. + + +P.P.C. CARDS + +_Pour prendre congé_, it means, a French expression translated to read, +"To take leave." And it is used in connection with those last-day +visits before one sails for Europe, or starts on a long trip to some +distant place. + +The ordinary visiting card is used, with the letters P.P.C. written in +pencil or ink in one corner, indicating the departure and so +differentiating it from other cards. Cards so inscribed are posted to, +or left with, all friends and acquaintances, a day or two before +setting out on the voyage. No acknowledgment is necessary as they are +courtesy-cards with no relation whatever to one's social debts and +dues. + +P.P.C. cards are always necessary before an extended departure, but +they are particularly so when one owes calls in return for hospitality, +or calls in return for first calls. If there is very little time, and a +great many calls to be attended to, it is entirely correct in this case +to drive from house to house, leaving the cards with the servant who +opens the door. The cards may even be posted a day before the +departure, if time is very much limited. + +It is not usual for P.P.C. cards to be distributed at the end of the +season, when members of society make their regular change of residence. +As explained under the head "When Traveling," a visiting card may be +sent to one's friends and acquaintances, bearing the temporary address +above the permanent home address. Thus the P.P.C. card would not be +especially necessary. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +INVITATIONS + + +SOME GENERAL RULES + +No matter how informal, an invitation should always be acknowledged +within a week of its receipt. It should be a definite +acknowledgment--either an acceptance or refusal--and no doubt should be +left as to whether the writer intends to be present or not. An +invitation must always be answered in kind; that is, a formal +invitation requires a formal reply, following closely the wording of +the invitation. The informal invitation should be cordial enough to +warrant a cordial and friendly reply; both invitation and +acknowledgment should be free of all stilted phrasing. + +Formal invitations for evening affairs should be addressed to husband +and wife, omitting neither one nor the other. (The exception to this +rule is the "stag" or its feminine equivalent.) If there is only one +daughter in the family, she may be included in the invitation, but when +there are two or more daughters to be invited, a separate invitation +addressed to The Misses Brown is essential. Invitations sent to the +masculine members of a family, other than the husband, are sent +individually. + +Invitations sent to a husband and wife are acknowledged in the names of +both. If a daughter is included, her name is also added to the +acknowledgment. The wife usually answers the invitation, and although +it was sent in the name of Mr. and Mrs. Blank, she sends her +acknowledgment to Mrs. Blank alone. + +An invitation may never be acknowledged on any kind of a visiting card, +although a visiting card may be used in an invitation. For very large, +formal functions, invitations are always engraved. A young girl does +not issue invitations to men in her own name, but in that of her mother +or guardian. She should say in her invitations that her mother, Mrs. +Blank, desires her to extend the invitation to Mr. Brown, etc. + +In replying to invitations, explicit details must be given. The day of +week, date and hour should be quoted, copying from the invitation, so +that any discrepancy made in the invitation will be noted and corrected +by the hostess when she receives the acknowledgment. This does away +with any possibility of such embarrassing blunders as calling on the +wrong day or at the wrong hour. + +Only the most informal invitation should be given by telephone, by word +of mouth or orally by a messenger, but every invitation should be +either declined courteously or accepted with enthusiasm promptly. + + +INVITATION TO A FORMAL DANCE + +The word "dancing" is usually placed in the lower left-hand corner of +the invitation to denote the object of the evening's gathering; thus no +specific mention that the entertainment is to be a ball is necessary. + +Following are the most approved forms of invitations used for the very +formal balls: + + _Mr. and Mrs. James Kilgore + request the pleasure of your company + on Thursday evening, January the tenth + at nine o'clock + Dancing Scarsdale_ + +or + + _Mr. and Mrs. James Kilgore + request the pleasure of + ........................ + company, at a costume dance + to be given at their home + on Thursday, January the twenty-sixth + at eleven o' clock + Costume de Rigueur 14 Main Street_ + +The words, "Please reply," may be added although they should be +unnecessary since every person of good breeding will reply immediately +to such an invitation whether he intends to accept or refuse. + + +ACCEPTING THE INVITATION + +When the invitation to a dance bears a request for a reply, a prompt +answer should be sent. If the invitation itself is in the third person, +the reply should follow the same form. For a formal ball, an acceptance +or regret should be mailed within forty-eight hours after receipt of +the invitation. Here are the correct forms for the invitations above: + + _Mr. and Mrs. John Harris + accept with pleasure + Mr. and Mrs. James Kilgore's + kind invitation to be present + for dancing + on Thursday evening, January the tenth + at nine o'clock + 148 Grand Boulevard_ + + _Mr. and Mrs. John Harris + regret exceedingly that they + are unable to accept + Mr. and Mrs. James Kilgore's + kind invitation to a costume dance + to be given at their home. + Brookline._ + +When the acknowledgment is a regret, it is not necessary to repeat the +date and hour for the obvious reason that as long as one is not going, +it makes no difference whether or not the details of time are correct. + + +FOR THE INFORMAL DANCE + +When the dance is a small and less formal affair, a short note is used, +though the more punctilious social usage frowns upon the employment of +visiting cards for such purposes. Following is the correct visiting +card for informal dance purposes: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Harold Champ + At Home + Dancing at Ten 432 Maple Street + April the Fifth_ + +The acknowledgment should be hand-written on white note paper, and +couched in a cordial, informal manner. + + +THE DINNER DANCE + +The dinner dance seems to be one of society's most favored functions. +For this affair it is necessary for the hostess to issue two sets of +invitations; one set to the people she wishes to entertain at dinner, +and one to those whom she wishes to invite for the dancing only. The +dinner invitation would be the regular engraved dinner card with the +words "Dancing at ten" written in the lower left-hand corner. The dance +invitations would be her regular at-home cards with the words "Dancing +at ten" written in the lower left-hand corner. + +A very popular method of inviting people to informal dance parties--a +method that has won favor among hostesses who are fond of inviting just +a few young men and women in to dance and enjoy simple refreshment--is +that of using the joint visiting card of herself and her husband and +writing in the lower left-hand corner: + + _Dancing at eleven + April the fourth_ + +This may be written in in ink--and as an invitation the card may be +used to take the place of the written invitation or the formal +third-person note. + + +THE DEBUT DANCE + +An ordinary dance invitation with the calling card of the _débutante_ +included may be used for the occasion of introducing the _début_ +daughter to society. A more strictly formal form follows: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Charles Wendover + request the pleasure + of introducing their daughter + Emily Justine + to + ......................... + on Tuesday, May the third + at eight o'clock + 10 Merril Parkway_ + + +INVITATIONS FOR THE SUBSCRIPTION DANCE + +Following is the correct invitation to use when the subscription dance +is held in the drawing-room of a hotel. It should be engraved in script +upon large white letter sheets: + + _The pleasure of + ........................... + company is requested at the + Third Reunion + at the Richelieu Hotel + on Friday evening, April the tenth + from nine until one o'clock. + Patronesses + Mrs. Johnson Mrs. Meredith + Mrs. Mooers Mrs. Thompson + Mrs. Clure_ + +With the invitation above, "vouchers" are invariably included. These +"vouchers" are for the purpose of enabling subscribers and patronesses +to extend hospitalities to their friends, but also to bar the +admittance of those people who were not invited. Here is the form +usually used for the "voucher": + + _Third Reunion + Gentlemen's Voucher + Admit ............................ + on Friday evening, April the tenth + Compliments of ..................._ + +To do away with the necessity of the "voucher" a card like the +following is used: + + _Third Reunion + .......................... + The pleasure of your company is requested + on Tuesday, the tenth of June + at eight o'clock + Community Club + 18 Forest Avenue + Please present this card at the door._ + +If the invitations are issued and distributed by a committee or board +of directors, instead of by private subscribers, the words: + + _The Committee of the Third Reunion + Hilldale Club + 234 Kingston Avenue_ + +appear beneath the engraving, in the left-hand corner. The proper form +is to use a letter sheet, engraving the invitation on the outer face, +and listing on the second inner face, the names of the men who are +giving the ball. However, it is also correct to use a large bristol +board card, listing the hosts on the reverse side, or on another +similar card. + + +ACKNOWLEDGING SUBSCRIPTION DANCE INVITATIONS + +An invitation to a subscription ball, received in the name of the whole +body of subscribers, requires a prompt acknowledgment of acceptance or +denial to the address given on the card. But if a subscriber extends an +invitation to a friend, enclosing with the invitation his or her own +card, the answer is sent to this subscriber individually. It is usually +a short, informal note, something like the following, and it may be +addressed to the entire Committee or merely to its Chairman: + + _19 West Street, + April 18, 19--_ + + _My dear Mrs. Blake:_ + + _It is with great pleasure that I accept your invitation to + attend the Third Reunion of the Hilldale Club, on Friday, the tenth + of April._ + + _Sincerely yours,_ + + _Helen R. Haddock._ + + +INVITATION TO PUBLIC BALL + +Public balls that require purchased tickets have a very distinct kind +of invitation. The following invitation should be printed or engraved +on very large letter sheets or cards, giving, either on the second +inner sheet or on the reverse of the card, the names of the +patronesses. + + _The pleasure of your company is + requested at the + Annual Masquerade Ball + To be given at the Taft Hotel + Thursday Evening + January the fifth, at ten o'clock_ + + _Cards of admission, Three Dollars + On sale at the + Taft Hotel and homes of the Patronesses_ + + +REQUESTING AN INVITATION + +When one is invited to an entertainment and finds it impossible to +attend without a visiting guest or relative, an invitation may be +requested. But a great deal of tact and good judgment must be exerted. +A note of request follows, but in writing notes for your own particular +instances, you must remember that each note has to be adapted to the +occasion in hand. + + _27 Claremont Terrace, + May 8, 192--._ + + _My dear Mrs. Jolson:_ + + _Elsie Millerton, whose brother you remember was at Hot Springs + last year when we were, is spending a few days with me. I wonder if + I may bring her to your dance next Thursday?_ + + _Sincerely yours,_ + + _Mary B. Hall._ + +It is rarely necessary to refuse such a request as this; but if the +ballroom is already too crowded and if the hostess has received a +number of similar petitions she may with propriety send a brief note of +refusal with a courteous word or two of explanation. + + +THE DINNER INVITATION + +A dinner invitation is the highest form of courtesy. That is why it +requires prompt and very courteous acknowledgment. + +Ordinarily dinner invitations are issued ten days ahead, unless it is a +very large formal affair, when two full weeks are allowed. It is not +good form to send an invitation just about a day or two before the day +set for the dinner-party, for then the guest will be perfectly correct +in feeling that the invitation was issued to her (or him) only because +some other guest was unable to attend. If there are only three or four +guests informal notes are usually sent, however elaborate the dinner +itself is to be. Such an invitation should occupy only the first page +of a sheet of note paper. + +Dinner invitations may either be written on ordinary sheets of white +stationery, or engraved on cards. If the latter is decided upon, it +must be large, pure white, and of rather heavy bristol board. The +hostess who gives many large and elaborate dinners may have cards like +the following printed, leaving spaces for the insertion of the name of +the person invited, the day, hour and date: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Jeremiah Knight + request the pleasure of + ................... + company at dinner + on ................ evening + at ................ o'clock + 55 Court Street_ + +The words "To meet Mr. and Mrs. John Staple" may be written in ink at +the bottom of the engraved card, when the dinner is in honor of a +special guest. Or small cards may be printed and enclosed with the +invitations. + + +IN HONOR OF CELEBRATED GUESTS + +Often, to introduce someone of distinguished position to the hostess' +acquaintances and friends, a large and elaborate dinner is given. The +cards should be engraved in a fine script or block letter, in the +following wording: + + _To meet + Mr. and Mrs. McAllister Van Doren + Mr. and Mrs. John King + request the pleasure of + ....................... + company at dinner + on Thursday, January the sixth + at eight o'clock + 455 North Avenue._ + + +THE ACKNOWLEDGMENTS + +For the formal invitation, written in the third person, a similar +acknowledgment must be sent within twenty-four hours. Following are an +acceptance and a regret that may serve as suggestions for the dinner +invitations that _you_ will accept and refuse in the future: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Thorne + accept with pleasure + Mr. and Mrs. Jeremiah Knight's + kind invitation to dinner on + Friday, August the fifth + at eight o'clock + 64 West Drive_ + + _Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Thorne + regret that a previous engagement + prevents their accepting + Mr. and Mrs. Jeremiah Knight's + kind invitation to dinner on + Friday, August the fifth + 64 West Drive_ + +It is not necessary to give complete details regarding time and hour, +in the second acknowledgment--which is a regret. Inasmuch as one does +not expect to attend, it is unnecessary to pay great attention to +details that are important only for those who expect to be guests. In +writing regrets, it is always more courteous to give the reason for +being unable to accept, but it is not important to do so unless one +really wishes to. + + +FOR THE INFORMAL DINNER + +The informal dinner invitation is invariably sent by the wife for her +husband and herself, to the wife, including the latter's husband. The +invitation takes the form of a short, friendly little social note, and +is answered as such. For instance, here is an invitation to an informal +dinner, and the acknowledgment: + + _356 Cosgrove Avenue, + November 1, 19--_ + + _My dear Mrs. Harris:_ + + _Will you and Mr. Harris give us the pleasure of having you with + us at a small dinner on Thursday, November the eighth, at seven + o'clock?_ + + _Hoping that you will be disengaged that evening, I am_ + + _Yours very sincerely,_ + + _Margaret B. Leanders._ + +You will notice that in signing herself, the wife uses her Christian +and married name, and the initial of her maiden name. She may spell her +maiden name out, if she wishes, but the form given above is the most +usual. Here is the correct acknowledgment to the invitation above: + + _654 Milton Street, + November 5, 19--_ + + _My dear Mrs. Leanders:_ + + _Mr. Harris and I will be delighted to dine with you and Mr. + Leanders on Thursday, November the eighth, at seven o'clock._ + + _With kindest regards, I am_ + + _Sincerely yours,_ + + _Mildred Travers Harris._ + + +WHEN THE DINNER IS NOT AT HOME + +It happens quite frequently that a hostess gives a dinner for her +friends outside of her own home. In this case, the fact must be fully +noted on the invitation. For instance: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Walter Bruhn + request the pleasure of + Mr. and Mrs. John Perry Blascon's + company at dinner + at Shanley's + on Wednesday, March the sixth + at eight o'clock + 41 Tompkins Place_ + +The acceptance and regret would be exactly the same as the forms given +previously, except that the words "At Shanley's" would necessarily have +to appear. + + +THE DAUGHTER AS HOSTESS + +It is necessary for the daughter, who is hostess in her father's house, +to include his name in every dinner invitation she issues. Following is +a model informal invitation to dinner, issued by a young +daughter-hostess: + + _My dear Mrs. Curtis:_ + + _Father has asked me to extend an invitation to you and Mr. + Curtis to dine with us on Tuesday, April the fifth, at half-past + seven o'clock. We are looking forward to your coming with a great + deal of pleasure._ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Rose Meredith._ + +In acknowledging this invitation, whether it be acceptance or regret, +the answer must go to the daughter, not the father. It is discourteous +and rude to receive a letter or an invitation from one person, and +acknowledge it to another. + + +POSTPONING OR CANCELING A DINNER + +When it happens (and it often does!) that something unforeseen and +unexpected happens to prevent one from giving the dinner for which +engraved cards have been issued, the hostess must immediately dispatch, +either through messenger or special delivery, short written notes +canceling the engagement. The third-person formula may be used, but +there must be a certain warmth in the note to avoid any semblance of +indifference. And it is a mark of fine courtesy to offer the reason why +the dinner has to be postponed. Here are two forms that may be used: + + _Because of the severe illness of their son Mr. and Mrs. John + Smith beg to cancel their dinner, arranged for Tuesday, May the + fifth_ + +or + + _Mr. and Mrs. John Smith regret that the damages done to their + home by a recent fire make it necessary for them to postpone the + dinner arranged for May the fifth until May the thirtieth._ + + +INVITING A STOP-GAP + +When a vacancy occurs in a dinner party at the last moment, one may +call upon a friend to fill the place as a special courtesy. This is an +instance when tact and discretion are important, for not everyone is +broad-minded and sensible, and some people may take offense at being +asked to take the place that someone else relinquished. A short cordial +note should be written, explaining the situation, and frankly asking +the friend to come in the place of the invited guest who cannot be +present. Here, for instance, is a typical note for just such a purpose: + + _41 Hemingway Place, + March 14, 19--_ + + _My dear Mr. Cook:_ + + _I am going to ask a very special favor of you, and I know that + you will be good enough to comply--if no other engagement stands in + the way._ + + _Ralph Townshend, who was to have been present at a little dinner + party that I am giving to-morrow evening, has just written that he + has been called out of town on business. Won't you be good enough + to take his place and give me more reason than ever for subscribing + myself_ + + _Gratefully yours,_ + + _Janet B. Raines._ + +In answering this letter, Mr. Cook must either accept or decline +definitely. To be courteous, he must give a reason for declining. To +write merely and say that one cannot serve as a stop-gap is both +impolite and inconsiderate. Either a good reason or an acceptance must +be given. Here is the way the acceptance may be worded: + + _1465 Emmet Road, + March 16, 19--_ + + _My dear Mrs. Raines:_ + + _I'm rather glad that Ralph was called out of town, since it + gives me an opportunity to be present at another of your delightful + dinners. Thank you very much for the invitation._ + + _Yours very sincerely,_ + + _Ralph B. Cook._ + + +TO BREAK A DINNER ENGAGEMENT + +There is no reason to feel embarrassed and unhappy because some +unexpected happening prevents you from keeping a dinner engagement. A +cordial note, containing a genuine and worth-while excuse for the +cancellation of the engagement may be sent by messenger, or if there is +time, by special delivery post, to the hostess. Here is an example of +the kind of note that may be written to break a dinner engagement: + + _156 South Bend, + March 18, 19--_ + + _My dear Mrs. Christy:_ + + _Mr. Cross has been called to Chicago on account of the illness + of his mother. We are very anxious about her, and I am sure you + will understand why it is impossible for either of us to attend + your dinner party next Friday. With many regrets, I am_ + + _Sincerely yours,_ + + _Florence Bartlett Pitkin._ + + +INVITATIONS FOR LUNCHEONS + +Although considerably less formal than dinner invitations, those of the +luncheon follow them in wording. They are issued about ten days before +the day set for the luncheon, if it is to be an elaborate, formal +affair, and only in the name of the hostess, unless men are invited and +the hostess' husband intends to be present. They are engraved on large +square white cards, with the name of the person invited, the day and +hour, written in by the hostess' own hand. The correct form follows, +but it must be remembered that this form can be used only when the +luncheon is an elaborate, formal occasion: + + _Mrs. John Roy-Thorndyke Blake + requests the pleasure of + ....................... + company at luncheon + on .................... + at ................. o'clock + 11 Park Row_ + +Very often a hostess invites friends and acquaintances to a luncheon +for the purpose of presenting to them a certain visiting guest, and +perhaps to attend, after the luncheon, a matinée planned for the +purpose of enabling the newcomer to become better acquainted with the +hostess' friends. In this case, an invitation like the one following +should be used: + + _To meet Miss Helen Rhodes + Mrs. Robert Blake + requests the pleasure of + Miss Joyce's + company at luncheon + on Tuesday, April the eleventh + at one o'clock + and afterward to the matinée + 167 Grand Concourse_ + +The name of the play and the theater may be included in the wording of +the invitation. + +Breakfast invitations are rarely issued, for the very good reason that +formal breakfasts are very rarely given. But when they are, the wording +of the invitation is identical with the wording given above for the +luncheon invitations, substituting in each case the word "breakfast" +for "luncheon." Acknowledgments are also the same as those used for the +luncheon. + + +ACKNOWLEDGING THE LUNCHEON INVITATION + +A prompt acceptance or regret must be sent upon receipt of an +invitation to luncheon. The following two forms are correct for use +with the two invitations given above. + + _Mrs. Frank Parsons + accepts with pleasure + Mrs. John Clancy Blake's + kind invitation to luncheon + on Friday, October the fourteenth + at one o'clock + 146 Park Place_ + + _Miss Jean Joyce + accepts with pleasure + Mrs. Blake's + kind invitation for luncheon + on Tuesday, April the eleventh + at one o'clock + to meet Miss Rhodes and to go + afterward to the matinée + 48 Fremont Avenue_ + + +THE INFORMAL INVITATION + +For the informal luncheon, a brief note of invitation is sent from five +to seven days ahead. In making the note brief, one must be careful not +to sacrifice cordiality. We give here two notes of invitation, one for +luncheon and one for breakfast; and also their respective +acknowledgments: + + _86 Washington Terrace, + April 14, 19--_ + + _My dear Mrs. Blank:_ + + _Will you come to luncheon on Wednesday April the twentieth, at + half-past one o'clock? Mrs. Frank Richards will be here, and I know + you will be glad to meet her._ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Helen R. Roberts._ + + + _64 Main Street, + April 16, 19--_ + + _My dear Mrs. Roberts:_ + + _I will be very glad to come to luncheon on Wednesday, April the + twentieth, at half-past_ _one o'clock. It was very kind of you + to remember that I have been wanting to meet Mrs. Richards for a + long time._ + + _Yours very sincerely,_ + + _Justine Blank._ + + + _437 Fairview Terrace, + May 5, 19--_ + + _Dear Mrs. Miller:_ + + _I expect a few friends to join me at an informal breakfast at + half-past eleven o'clock on Tuesday, the tenth. Won't you be one of + them?_ + + _Sincerely yours,_ + + _Maybelle Curtis._ + + + _822 Jennings Street, + May 7, 19--_ + + _Dear Mrs. Curtis:_ + + _Thank you very much for asking me, but I regret that I will not + be able to join you at breakfast on Tuesday. I have two young + nieces stopping with me, and I promised to devote that morning to + showing them the places of interest in town. They are planning so + eagerly for the trip, and they are leaving here in such a short + time, that I feel that I must not disappoint them._ + + _With most sincere regrets, I am_ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Mary K. Miller._ + +There is still another approved form for inviting guests to luncheon or +breakfast. When the occasion is neither too strictly formal nor too +informal, the hostess may merely write, beneath the engraved name on +her ordinary calling card, the words, "Luncheon at one-thirty o'clock +March fourth." This is sent about five days before the chosen day. The +acknowledgment must be by informal note, never by a calling card. And +this holds true of all other invitations; when the personally inscribed +calling card is used, a first-person note of acceptance or regret must +be promptly written. The use of cards in this way is looked upon with +disfavor among people who are most careful of the amenities of polite +society. + + +RECEPTION INVITATION + +The word "reception" may mean several social functions which may or may +not be extremely ceremonious. There is the afternoon tea, for instance, +an informal little affair to which one invites one's best friends and +most interesting acquaintances. The invitation may be either written by +the hostess or engraved. The at-home day is also called a reception, as +is the more elaborate occasion when a special guest is introduced to +the hostess' friends. + +There was a time when it was considered extremely bad form for a host's +name to appear on the invitation, but to-day the reception invitation +often takes the form of the following: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Harold Blaine + At Home + Tuesday afternoon, May fifth + from four until half-past seven o'clock + Twelve, Park Terrace_ + +The above invitation should be engraved in fine script on a large white +card of bristol board, and it should be mailed at least ten days in +advance of the day set for the entertainment. An acknowledgment is not +expected; if the invitation is accepted, the presence of the guest on +the day of the reception is sufficient. If one is unable to be present, +one's visiting card is sent to arrive on the exact day of the +reception--unless an answer is explicitly required on the invitation. +Not to be present at the reception, and not to send one's visiting +card, is to indicate either that one is ignorant of the correct social +laws, or that one desires to discontinue friendship with the hostess. + +When a mother and her daughter are to receive the guests at a reception +together, the card is in this form: + + _Mrs. William B. Harris + The Misses Harris + At Home + Friday Afternoon, October fifth + from four until seven o'clock + Thirty-two Amsterdam Avenue_ + +If the reception is for the purpose of introducing a young _débutante_ +daughter, the hostess would issue cards similar to the one above, +except that the _débutante's_ name would appear immediately below +her own. It would be merely "Miss Harris" with no Christian name or +initial. If a second daughter is introduced to her mother's friends by +means of an afternoon tea, the cards are also like the one above, +except that the name of the second daughter is inscribed _in full_ +beneath that of the hostess. Thus invited guests would know that "Miss +Harris" is the elder and introduced to society first, and "Miss Merian +Harris" is the second daughter to be introduced to society. + + +RECEPTION IN HONOR OF A SPECIAL GUEST + +When the purpose of the reception is to honor a special guest the fact +should be indicated on the invitations. If the invitation is written on +a card, the words, "To meet Governor and Mrs. Frank Curtis" should +appear. The proper form for the engraved invitation follows: + + _To meet + Governor and Mrs. Frank Curtis + Mr. and Mrs. James Melvin + request the pleasure of your + company + on Thursday afternoon, June fifth + from four until seven o'clock + Eighteen, Washington Garden Heights_ + +No acknowledgment other than one's presence on the day of the reception +is necessary to this invitation. However, if one is unable to attend, +the visiting card should be mailed so that it arrives on the precise +day of the entertainment, or if an unexpected happening prevents one +from attending, a messenger may be dispatched with a card in an +envelope, forwarding it to the hostess while the reception is in +progress. + + +INVITATIONS TO GARDEN PARTIES + +When the garden party is very formal, the invitations are engraved in +black script or block lettering, on white note sheets or large white +cards. The invitation is usually issued in the name of the hostess +alone, and the most fashionable stationers are to-day printing cards +that leave a blank space for the name of the person to be invited to be +written in by the hostess. For instance: + + _Mrs. Maurice Bronson + requests the pleasure of + ........................ + company on Friday afternoon + May tenth + from four until seven o'clock + Garden Party Holyoke, West Lake_ + +In society, the formal garden party holds the place of an at-home held +out of doors. Thus the following invitation is considered the best +form, better even than the form shown above, although either may be +used in good taste: + + _Mrs. Maurice Bronson + At Home + Friday afternoon, May tenth + from four until seven o'clock + Garden Party Holyoke, West Lake_ + +When the garden party is a small informal affair, the at-home card may +be used with the words, "Garden Party, Friday, May the tenth, from four +to seven o'clock," written by the hostess in the lower left-hand +corner. This method is usually for personal friends only, and it is +considered bad form when the garden party is elaborate and formal. + +If the guest invited lives in another town, or must come from the city +to the country, a small card bearing the necessary train and schedule +information should be enclosed with the invitation, similar to the card +explained in the chapter on wedding invitations. Or the information may +be lettered neatly at the bottom of the invitation itself. The form is +usually: + + _Train leaves Pennsylvania Station at 3 o'clock + Train leaves Holyoke Station at 6.20 and 7.10 o'clock_ + +Still another course is open to the hostess who wishes +to give a small garden party, yet not undergo the expense +and trouble of specially engraved invitations. +She may write brief, friendly notes, in the first person, +somewhat in the following form, and send them by post +to her friends and acquaintances: + + _Holyoke, + May 1, 19--_ + + _My dear Mrs. Keene:_ + + _I have asked a few of my friends to have tea with me, + informally, on the lawn, Friday afternoon, May the tenth, at four + o'clock. May I expect you also? Perhaps there will be a few sets of + tennis. There is a racquet waiting for you._ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Rose M. Roberts._ + + +ACKNOWLEDGING THE GARDEN PARTY INVITATION + +Whether the garden party invitation bears a request for a reply or not, +the courteous thing to do is send an acceptance or regret at once. This +is especially true when the invitation is engraved, for then one may +assume that the affair is to be a large and elaborate one. The reply to +an engraved invitation follows: + + _Mr. and Mrs. Raymond Bruce + accept with pleasure + Mrs. Bronson's + kind invitation + for May tenth + Haywood Park, + May second, 19--_ + +or + + _Mr. and Mrs. Raymond Bruce + regret that a previous engagement + prevents their acceptance + of Mrs. Bronson's kind invitation + for May tenth + Haywood Park, + May second, 19--_ + +In reply to a visiting card inscribed with the day and date of the +garden party, a brief, polite note of acceptance or regret should be +written. A similar note should be promptly written upon receipt of the +informal written note of invitation. + + _Glendale, + May 2, 19--_ + + _My dear Mrs. Bronson:_ + + _Mr. Harris and I are looking forward with great pleasure in + joining you on May tenth. We hope the weather will continue to be + as delightful as it is now._ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Janet B. Winslow._ + + +HOUSE OR WEEK-END PARTIES + +The invitation for a house or week-end party differs from any other +invitation. By the week-end party we mean a visit from Friday or +Saturday until Monday. Thus the invited guest knows that he is expected +to arrive Friday afternoon (or Saturday morning) and leave Monday +morning. On the other hand, the house party may mean a visit of ten +days or two weeks' duration, or even longer. It is necessary, +therefore, for the hostess to mention specifically the date deciding +the length of the visit. It is also courteous for her to mention the +sports that will be indulged in and any special events planned, etc., +and to send the necessary time-tables, indicating the best and most +convenient trains. + +Whether for house party or week-end party, the invitation is always a +well-worded, cordial note offering the hospitalities of one's roof for +the length of time indicated. We will give here one letter of +invitation and its acknowledgment, which can be, perhaps, adapted to +your own purposes. + + _Pine Rock, + June 14, 19--_ + + _Dear Miss Janis:_ + + _We have planned a house party as a sort of farewell before our + trip to Europe, and we are particularly anxious to have you join + us. I hope there is nothing to prevent you from coming out to Pine + Rock on June twenty-third and remaining here with us until the + eighth of July._ + + _I hope to have many of your own friends with us, including Jean + and Marie Cordine, who are also planning to sail towards the end of + July. Mr. Frank Parsons and Mr. and Mrs. Robert Kingsley may be + here, too, along with several others whom you do not know, but whom + I am most anxious to have you meet._ + + _I am enclosing a time-table for your convenience, and I have + checked the two trains that I believe are most convenient for you. + If you take the 3.58 on Tuesday you will arrive here at 7.10, and + you will be able to meet the guests at dinner at eight-thirty. + There is an earlier train in the morning if you prefer it. If you + let me know which train you expect to take, I will see that there + is a car at the station to meet you._ + + _Very cordially yours,_ + + _Alice M. Bevans._ + + + _Westville, + June 16, 19--_ + + _Dear Mrs. Bevans:_ + + _It was very good of you and Mr. Bevans to ask me to your house + party and I shall be delighted to come. I shall arrive on the 3.58 + train, as you suggest. It was so thoughtful of you to inclose the + time-table._ + + _Very sincerely yours,_ + + _Helen R. Janis._ + +If the letter were one of regret, it would be necessary for Miss Janis +to write definitely just what was making it impossible for her to +accept the invitation. It would not be correct form to write vaguely, +saying that "you hope you will be able to come," or that "if you are in +town you will come." No doubt must be left in the hostess' mind as to +whether or not you will be present. + + +THE "BREAD-AND-BUTTER" LETTER + +From constant usage, the term "bread-and-butter" letter has become +custom. Now, upon return from a week-end or house party, it is +considered necessary and, indeed, it would be a gross neglect to fail +in so obvious a duty, to write a cordial note to the hostess, +expressing appreciation of the hospitality received, and informing her +of your safe arrival. + +The letter may be as long and chatty as one pleases, or it may be only +a brief note such as the following: + + _Terrace Revain, + June 23, 19--_ + + _Dear Mrs. Bevans:_ + + _This is to tell you again how very much I enjoyed the week-end + at Pine Rock. We got into the city at five and Morgan brought me + out home in a taxi. Mother is giving a small bridge this afternoon + and so I found everyone busy, for while there is not a great deal + to do it is impossible to get anyone to help do it._ + + _Tell Mr. Bevans that I am arranging for three or four tennis + games next week, so that when I come again, if I don't win, I shall + at least not be beaten quite so shamefully._ + + _Let me know when you come to town on your next shopping trip. + Perhaps we can arrange for lunch together somewhere._ + + _Very sincerely yours,_ + + _Helen R. Janis._ + + +INVITATIONS TO THE THEATER AND OPERA + +The host or hostess planning a theater or opera party should strive to +have an equal number of men and women guests. For this reason, the +person who receives an invitation should make prompt reply, so that if +he or she is unable to attend, someone else can be asked to take the +place. It is not necessary to have invitations engraved for these +occasions; in fact, a brief note, written with just the correct degree +of formality, yet with no sacrifice of cordiality, is much to be +preferred. The following form is correct for theater or opera, changed +to accord with the names, dates, and circumstances of the particular +party: + + _22 South Street, + October 13, 19--_ + + _My dear Miss Johnson:_ + + _Mr. Roberts and I have planned to have a small group of friends + hear "Faust" at the Central Opera House, and we are hoping that you + will be one of us. The time is Friday evening, the seventeenth of + October. I have been fortunate enough to obtain a box in the + parquet, where the eight of us who will comprise the party will be + comfortably seated._ + + _If you are free to join us on that evening, Mr. Roberts and I + will stop for you in the car at half past seven._ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Evelyn T. Roberts._ + +The acknowledgment must be made promptly. The host and hostess must not +be kept waiting for a definite reply. + + +INVITATIONS TO MUSICALES AND PRIVATE THEATRICALS + +A ceremonious drawing-room concert requires engraved invitations, +issued at least two weeks in advance of the date decided upon. The two +approved forms follow: + + _Mrs. John M. Cook + At Home + Tuesday evening, October first + at nine o'clock + Ten, Farnhut Terrace + Music_ + +or + + Mr. and Mrs. John M. Cook + request the pleasure of + .......................'s + company at a musicale + on Tuesday evening the first of October + at nine o'clock + Ten, Farnhut Terrace + +It is also permissible for the hostess to write in the lower left-hand +corner of her visiting-card the following words, when she wishes to +invite friends to hear a famous soloist or orchestra: "Tuesday, October +first, half past three o'clock, to hear Mischa Elman." These cards are +then posted to friends and acquaintances, and the recipient either +accepts by attending, or sends his or her cards to the hostess' house +while the entertainment is in progress, or shortly beforehand. + +For private theatricals, invitations follow very much the same form as +those used for musicales. The hostess may either add the phrase, +"Theatricals at nine o'clock," to her invitation, or she may issue +engraved cards requesting the pleasure of a friend's company at Private +Theatricals. The word "dancing" may be engraved in the left-hand corner +of the card, if dancing is to follow the theatricals. It is courteous +to send a reply to these invitations. + + +CHILDREN'S PARTY INVITATIONS + +The invitation to the child's party is the one exception to the rule of +simplicity. Children love color and decoration, and so etiquette very +graciously permits them to have cards and invitations that boast +colorful designs. For instance, in a well-known stationer's shop in New +York, there are little sheets of pink note paper, in the upper corner +of which is a little girl courtesying and smiling. Beneath the picture +the words "Won't you please come to my party?" are printed in fine +italics. It makes most attractive stationery for the youngsters. + +On stationery like that described above, mother might write in the +following strain, providing the little host (or hostess) is not old +enough to do the writing himself: + + _16 Blake Hall, + June 14, 19--_ + + _My dear Mrs. Blank:_ + + _Harold will be seven years old on Thursday, the eighteenth of + June. We are planning to give a little party for his friends on the + Sunday following, June the twenty-first. I know he will not be + happy unless little Marian is present. I do hope you will let her + come._ + + _If the nurse brings Marian here at three o'clock, she will be in + time for the opening game, and I will see that she arrives home + safely at about half past six._ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Helen M. Roberts._ + +A friendly note of acceptance or regret should be written promptly upon +receipt of the above, and if the child is unable to attend, the reason +should be given. + +Very often, a young host or hostess has a very large and formal party, +in which case the invitations must be quite as dignified and formally +correct as mother's. For instance, the youngsters who entertain their +friends at a small afternoon dance word their invitations in the +following manner: + + _Miss Jean and Master Walter Curran + would like to have the pleasure + of + Miss Helen Thompson's company + at a dance at 3 o'clock + Thursday afternoon, November third + Clover Hall_ + +A young boy or girl just old enough to write his or her own +invitations, may find some useful suggestions in the following model +for a birthday party: + + _Hanover Court, + October 6, 19--_ + + _Dear Elizabeth:_ + + _I am going to have a birthday party on Saturday afternoon, the + thirteenth of October, at 3 o'clock. All of our friends from + dancing school and a good many of Jack's friends from his school + will be here. We are planning a donkey game, and I am sure we will + all have a great deal of fun. Won't you come, too? I shall be very + disappointed if you cannot._ + + _Sincerely yours,_ + + _Helen Camden._ + +It is always wise, however, for the children to make some sort of +acknowledgment of the formal engraved invitation, for it impresses upon +them the importance of their social duties. + + +INVITATIONS TO A CHRISTENING + +It is not usual for many guests to be invited to the christening of a +child. But when it is made an occasion of formal entertainment, it is +necessary to have engraved cards prepared and issued to friends and +relatives. Here is the correct form: + + _Mr. and Mrs. John B. Meredith + request the pleasure of your company + at the christening of their son + on Tuesday, April second + at three-thirty o'clock + Ten, Jerome Avenue_ + +The letter requesting a relative or friend to serve as godfather or +godmother must be tactful and well-worded. It is usually very intimate, +for no one with fine sensibility will ask any except a dear friend to +act as godmother or godfather. Such a request is much better given in +person than by letter, whenever it is possible. And it requires an +answer in kind. We give here one brief letter of request, and another +of acknowledgment, to serve as suggestions: + + _34 Kinston Road, + March 5, 19--_ + + _Dear Mr. Burke:_ + + _Jack and I have both agreed that we would rather have you serve + as godfather for John Paxton, Jr., than anyone else. We hope that + you will not refuse._ + + _The baptism has already been arranged for four o'clock, next + Sunday, at St. Peter's Church. We hope you will be present at the + church, and later at a small reception here in our + drawing-room._ + + _With kindest regards from us both, I am_ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Amelia B. Johnson._ + + + _18 Woodlawn Hills, + March 7, 19--_ + + _Dear Mrs. Johnson:_ + + _It will give me great pleasure to be godfather for your son. + Truly, I count it no small honor, and no slight responsibility. I + am very eager to see young John Paxton, and shall be present both + at the christening and at the reception._ + + _With every good wish for him and for his father and mother, I + am_ + + _Sincerely yours,_ + + _William A. Burke._ + + +A WORD OF SPECIAL CAUTION + +In answering an invitation never say "will accept." The act of writing +the answer involves either the acceptance or the regret, as the case +may be, and the present tense should be used. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +CORRESPONDENCE + + +TO-DAY AND YESTERDAY + +It is customary nowadays to deplore the fact that the art of +letter-writing has fallen into decay, and when we read that the entire +correspondence of an engaged couple recently was carried on for two +years by telephone and telegraph we are inclined to believe it. Yet +such is not the case. It is true that we no longer have--and for this +we should be truly grateful--flowery expressions of rhetorical feeling +interlarded with poetic sentiments selected from a "Home Book of +Verse," or some similar compilation, but we do have letters which are +genuine and wholesome expressions of friendship. + +It is a gift to be able to write lovely notes of congratulation, +sympathy and appreciation, and one that has to be cultivated. Writing +of all kinds grows perfect with practice and the large majority of +people have to serve a long apprenticeship before they have mastered +the gentle art of expressing themselves on paper. It is an art worth +mastering even if one never has to write anything but polite social +notes and letters. + + +THE LETTER YOU WRITE + +From Buckingham we have the following little rhyme that does full +justice to the important art of letter-writing: + + Of all those arts in which the wise excel, + Nature's chief masterpiece is writing well. + +A letter, business or social, is simply talk upon paper. And as a wise +philosopher once said, "Never put on paper what you would not care to +see printed in the newspaper for all to read." As in everything else +connected with the social world, ease is absolutely essential to the +correct letter. The style must not be cramped, stilted, forced. A free +and easy flow of language, simple and understandable, and with just +that acceptable degree of cordiality and heartiness that makes one +enjoy reading, is essential in all correspondence. + +And yet, letters should be written _personally_--that is, they should +represent the sender. Be sure, first, that you know exactly what you +want to say, and how you want to say it. Then put it down on paper as +though you were speaking; make no pretense at being so very highly +educated that you must use flowery language and poetical phrases. +Simplicity in form and wording is the most effective and graceful +method. It is a greater mark of learning and intelligence to write a +simple, ably expressed, cordial letter, than to write one that shows an +obvious effort to cover, by extravagant expressions and highly +figurative language, the reserve and dignity that are the foundation of +all good-breeding. + +In the following pages it is possible for us only to give the +prescribed principles of correct form, suggesting the forms and +expressions to be avoided. But the true art of letter-writing rests +with you--and your own personality. We would suggest that you read +carefully each letter you receive, noting and remembering those +expressions that most appeal to you. A good appeal is generally +universal; what appeals to you in a letter you receive will appeal to +others. Thus you will find that personal experience in this matter will +help you much more than any book that gives you only the foundation of +form and style. + + +THE BUSINESS LETTER + +It is interesting to find in the midst of the lament that in the +twentieth century people have ceased to find time to write letters or +to be courteous that the Postmaster General has rescinded previous +orders which directed that departmental correspondence should not begin +with the ceremonial form of "My dear Sir," and that the complimentary +close, "Yours sincerely," etc., should not be used. His order is worth +quoting: + + "In no part of our work does the demand for the human quality apply + more than in the matter of writing letters. By far the largest + contact of this department with the public is by means of the + letters which are written. Letters can be cold, stereotyped, + following the same routine day by day, appearing more or less + machine made, and the impression which the recipient has upon + reading the letter is that the suggestion, complaint, petition or + application made has been given scant consideration. + + "I want every letter that goes out from this department or any of + the Post Offices or other field offices to convince the reader of + the fact, for it must be a fact, that whatever he has written has + been received sympathetically and that an effort has been made to + give the writer the benefit of every possible service which the + department affords. + + "To this end I think the writers should endeavor to make their + letters more informal than is now the case generally; that they + should, wherever the exigencies of the case do not require + otherwise, be as explicit as possible, and that reasons for the + position taken by the department should be given. Above all, I do + not want the letters to be stereotyped." + +A business letter is written with a purpose. It is a good letter when +it accomplishes that purpose briefly, thoroughly, and courteously. +Women especially should be careful not to be discursive. Business men +have not time to puzzle over bad handwriting or ambiguous sentences. +Whenever it can be done conveniently the business letter should be +written on the typewriter. Tinted stationery is never appropriate, and +ruled stationery should never be used either for business or social +correspondence. + +The correct form for the salutation of a business letter includes the +name and address of the person or firm to whom the letter is written as +well as the ceremonial form of salutation. Thus: + + Bradford and Munro, + 534 Fifth Avenue, + New York City, N.Y. + + Gentlemen: (or Dear Sirs or My dear Sirs) + + + Mrs. H. K. Weatherly, + Secretary of the Citizens' League, + Smithville, Arkansas. + + Dear Mrs. Weatherly: (or Dear Madam or My dear Madam) + +Except when it is the first word of the salutation, _dear_ should +not begin with a capital letter. The address in the salutation should +be repeated exactly on the envelope and particular care should be taken +to make it legible. The stamp should always be placed in the upper +right-hand corner. It is bad form to put it on obliquely or upside down +or to place it in the left-hand corner or on the back flap of the +envelope. It is a silly practice to do so and causes the postal clerks +a great deal of trouble. + + +FUNCTION OF THE SOCIAL LETTER + +There are, necessarily, several kinds of letters, the three most +important divisions of which are the friendly letter, the business +letter, and the social letter. In its strictest sense, the social +letter is written for a distinct social purpose--usually about, or in +response to, some purely social circumstance. The difference between a +friendly letter and a social letter is relatively the same as the +difference between a strictly formal and a friendly informal visit. + +To write a friendly letter, one simply writes what one feels, heeding +no very stringent rules regarding letter-writing. But the social +letter-writer finds that there are certain forms that must be carefully +observed, if his or her letters are to be considered entirely correct. +There are two distinct forms of the social letters--the formal and the +informal. The formal social note is used only for invitations, +announcements and their respective acknowledgments. It is always +written in the third person, and always requires an answer. Even though +it is sent to the most intimate friend, the formal note remains formal; +although later a friendly letter may be sent to remove any possible +constraint or "chill." The informal note has no definite formula, +except that it can be generally compared to all the informal trend of +correct social usage. The first person is used in the writing of +informal notes. + +Whether formal or informal, the social note always bears the name of +the person to whom it is addressed. To illustrate, when writing +socially to Mrs. Joselyn, one does not use the expression, "Dear +Madam," but "Dear Mrs. Joslyn." In America the form "my dear" is +considered a trifle more formal than just "dear," although in England +the reverse is true. "Dear Madam" and "Dear Sir" are forms reserved +exclusively for use with business letters. + + +THE ETIQUETTE OF STATIONERY + +The well-known proverb may well be changed to read, "A man is known by +the stationery he uses." There is no greater opportunity to show good +taste--or bad--than in the tone, design and type of note paper we use. +It is as effective an index to one's individuality as are the clothes +we wear. + +Just as in everything else, there are new fashions in the sizes, forms +and general appearance of social correspondence each season. +Invariably, the new form is an improvement on the older and more +stilted form. However, there are slight changes, and the general rules +of correct correspondence remain unchanged from year to year. A good +stationer is the best authority in regard to the minor modifications +that come each new season. + +The _outré_ in everything pertaining to good social usage is offensive +to good taste. Thus, those who are refined and well-bred avoid such +startling color combinations as deep purple paper inscribed with white +ink. Of course, by its very daring, such a letter would gain immediate +attention. But the impression made would be one of poor taste and +eccentricity, rather than the striking personality the writer doubtless +tried to convey. Let us, then, avoid all fads in size and color of +social stationery + + +LETTER AND NOTE PAPER + +Plain, unruled sheets, either white or light gray in color, and folding +once into their envelopes are the approved materials for all social +correspondence. Black ink should always be used--violet, blue or purple +expresses extremely bad taste. There are, of course, many varying +qualities of note paper, depending entirely upon the means and +preferences of the individual. Some manufacturers are to-day issuing +delightful stationery in delicate tones of gray, blue and buff, and it +is necessary to mention here that there can be no objection to note +paper of this kind. It is only bad taste to use paper of vivid red, +yellow or green--so glaring in color that it is conspicuous. Colored +borders on stationery are in poor taste, as are also heavy gilt edges. +Paneled stationery and that with the deckle edge are both very lovely +and in excellent taste, if the color is subdued or pure white. And to +be conspicuous is to be ill-bred. + +The complete text of a formal note must appear on the first page only. +Thus, a good size for a woman's social correspondence stationary is +four and a half inches by six inches, although it may be slightly +larger than that for general correspondence. Then there are the very +small sheets used merely for a few words of condolence or +congratulation. The size of stationery for men's social correspondence +varies, but it is usually a trifle larger than a woman's note paper. A +man never uses small sheets of paper, nor may he conduct social +correspondence upon business or office paper. It is only when private +stationery is not easily available, and a letter must be immediately +mailed, that club or hotel paper may be used for social correspondence. + +Letter paper and envelopes should be of the same color and of about the +same material. We say "about" for, when the note paper is very thin, a +slightly thicker paper should be used for the envelope. Incidentally, +very thin paper is objectionable for social correspondence when both +sides of the sheet are written upon. + +Some women like to use perfumed paper for their social correspondence. +While it is not exactly bad form to use perfumed stationery, a very +strong fragrance is most objectionable. Thus only the most delicate of +perfumes may be used. The use of perfumes for men's stationery is +entirely discountenanced. + + +CRESTS AND MONOGRAMS + +Just as the gaudy frills and furbelows of the dress of Queen +Elizabeth's era have disappeared, so have the elaborate crests, seals +and monograms of earlier social stationery gradually given way to a +more graceful and dignified simplicity. Originality may be the +possession of those who can attain it, but it must always be +accompanied by simplicity of style. + +Gorgeous monograms are not desirable. If used at all--and very few even +of our proud and aristocratic families _do_ use them--they should +be decorative without being elaborate. A good stationer should be +consulted before one determines upon a monogram. His taste and +knowledge should direct the ultimate choice. + +Monograms and crests should not appear on the envelope, only on the +letter paper. Seals may be stamped wherever one wishes on the back of +the envelope, although the most fashionable place is in the direct +center of the flap. On mourning stationery, black wax is permissible +for the seal; red, blue or any dark color may be used on white or light +gray paper. Care should be taken in dropping the hot wax and pressing +the seal, for nothing is so indicative of poor taste as an untidy seal +on the envelope of a social letter. A seal should not be used unless it +is actually needed. It is bad form to use it in addition to the +mucilage on the flap of the envelope unless the mucilage is of a very +poor quality. + +A monogram or crest is placed in the center at the top of the page when +no address is given. It should be omitted entirely when the address +appears at the top of the page. The space occupied by a crest or +monogram should not cover more than the approximate circumference of a +silver dime. A crest is usually stamped in gilt, silver, black, white +or dark green. Vivid colors must be avoided. + +When an address is engraved on a sheet of paper the chest or monogram +should be omitted. The stationery of a country house frequently has the +name of the place in the upper right hand corner with the name of the +post office or railroad station opposite. Authors sometimes have their +names reproduced from their own handwriting and engraved across the top +of the paper they use for their business correspondence. + +The most fashionable stationery to-day does not bear crests or +monograms or seals, but the address engraved in Gothic or Roman +lettering in the upper center of note and letter sheets, also on the +reverse side of the envelope. Black ink, of course, is used. + + +USE OF THE TYPEWRITER + +Having invaded and conquered the business world, the typewriter has now +become a social necessity. Personal typewriters, made in portable +sizes, are now being used for social correspondence, although many +conservative people prefer to remain loyal to the use of the old pen +and ink method. Yet, when the best handwriting is often illegible and +hard to read, a modern invention so necessary as the typewriter should +be hailed with delight and used with enthusiasm. + +There still may be a few "extremists" and etiquette fanatics who insist +that typewritten letters are for business purposes only, and that they +are an insult when used socially. Prevalent custom to-day permits +typewritten correspondence for nearly every occasion, and the +well-typed social letter reflects better taste upon the sender than a +hand-written letter that is difficult to read--and yet took a much +greater length of time to write. + +Social letters, whether hand or typewritten should not be on ordinary +commercial paper. The letter written on the machine should have a wide +margin at the top, bottom and sides. Signatures to a typewritten +letter, social or business, should be made personally, in ink. + + +REGARDING THE SALUTATION + +It is only in cases of extreme formality that the expression "Dear +Madam" or "Dear Sir" is used. For ordinary social correspondence, the +salutation is either "Dear Mr. (Mrs.) Roberts" or "My dear Mr. (Mrs.) +Roberts." The use of "My dear" is considered more formal than merely +"Dear," except in England where the first form is considered the more +intimate. + +The form "Dear Miss" or "Dear Friend" may be used on no condition +whatever. It is either "Dear Miss Wimberly" or "Dear Madam." It is +considered presumptuous, in good society, for a man to address a lady +as "Dear Mrs. Brown" until she has first dropped the formal "my" in her +correspondence with him. + +The strictly formal method for addressing a letter to a man by a woman +who is a total stranger to him, is: + + "Mr. John D. Brown, + "Dear Sir." + +If he is a distant relative, addressed for the first time, or the +friend of a very intimate friend, the salutation may read, "My dear Mr. +Brown." + + +CLOSING THE LETTER + +The endings "Very truly yours" or "Yours truly" express a certain +formality. Friendly letters are closed with such expressions as, "Yours +most sincerely," "Cordially yours," "Very affectionately yours," +"Lovingly yours." The latter two expressions are confined largely to +intimate friends and relatives, while the others are used when letters +are written to new acquaintances or casual friends. The pronoun _yours_ +should never be omitted, as it leaves the phrase unfinished and is not +complimentary to the person addressed. Thus, closings, such as "Very +truly" or "Sincerely" are in bad form. + +Always remember in social letter-writing, to make a "graceful exit." An +awkward sentence in closing often mars what would otherwise be a +perfect letter. Forget certain strained expressions that remain in the +mind and demand to be used as closings, merely because they have been +used by so many people, over and over again. Make the farewell in your +social letters as cordial and graceful as your farewell would be if you +were talking to the person, instead of writing. Such kind expressions +as "With kindest personal regards" or "Hoping to have the pleasure of +seeing you soon" or "With best wishes to your dear mother and sisters" +always add a note of warmth and cordiality to the social letter. These +should be followed by "I am." It is not considered good form to end a +letter, + + _Hoping to hear from you soon, + Yours sincerely,_ + +but it should be + + _Hoping to hear from you soon, I am + Yours sincerely,_ + +No comma is used after "am." + +It is not good taste to use only the initials, the surnames or given +names alone, or diminutives, when signing notes or letters except when +they are addressed to one's most intimate friends. A married woman +signs her self Ellen Scott, not Mrs. Guy Scott, in social +correspondence. Often, in business letters, when the recipient would be +in doubt as to whether or not the lady were to be addressed as Mrs. or +Miss, the conclusion to the letter should be in this form: + + _Yours truly, + Ellen Scott + (Mrs. Guy Scott)_ + +An unmarried woman signs her letters "Margaret Scott," unless it is a +business communication and she is liable to be mistaken for a widow. In +this case, she precedes her name by the word Miss in parentheses. + +The first and last names of the man writing the letter must be given in +full, and if there is a middle name, either the initial or full +spelling may be given. But such a signature as J. Ferrin Robins is bad +form. + +It is both undignified and confusing to sign a letter with one's +Christian name only, unless one is a relative or very intimate friend. +A woman never signs her Christian name alone in a letter to a man +unless he is a relative or her _fiancé_ or a very old friend of the +family. + + +ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPE + +Although there is a distinction in England regarding the use of "Mr." +and "Esq.," both forms are optional here in America. Either one may be +used in good form. But to omit both, and address a man just as "Walter +J. Smith" is exceedingly rude and bad taste. Neither should "Esq." and +"Jr." be used together in this manner, "Walter J. Smith, Esq., Jr." The +correct form would be "Walter J. Smith, Jr." A servant would be +addressed merely as Walter J. Smith, without any title. + +"Mrs." or "Miss" must invariably precede the name of a woman on an +envelope unless she is a professional woman with some such title as +"Dr." A woman does not assume her husband's honorary title; thus, it is +not good form to address an envelope in this manner: "Mrs. Captain +Smith" or "Mrs. Judge Andrews." + +A practicing woman physician is addressed in this fashion, when the +communication is professional: "Dr. Ellen R. Blank." This form is not +used in social correspondence, except in the case of a very famous, +elderly physician who is entitled to the honorary title at all times. +Otherwise this form is used when the communication is social: "Miss +Ellen R. Blank" or "Mrs. John T. Blank." + + +LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE + +Letters of condolence should never be written, unless the writer has +been genuinely moved to sympathy. For that reason, they are usually +forthcoming only from relatives and intimate friends of the bereaved +family. A letter of sympathy should be brief and cordial. Those +pretentious letters that are filled with poetic quotations and +sentimental expressions are not genuinely sympathetic, and those that +refer constantly to the deceased are unkind. A few well-chosen words of +sympathy are all that is necessary. Following are two model letters of +condolence, that may be used as basic forms for other letters: + + _New York, August 24th._ + + _Dear Miss Curtis:_ + + _I hasten to offer you my most profound sympathy for the great + grief that has fallen upon you and your house-hold. If there is + anything I can do, I hope you will not hesitate to call upon + me._ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Harriet B. Wainwright._ + + + _Philadelphia, May 5th._ + + _My dear Mrs. Andrews:_ + + _Knowing as I do from my own experience how deep your grief must + be I also know that there is little that anyone can say or do to + make your sorrow any the less. Yet I cannot refrain from offering + my sincerest sympathy, and along with it the hope that Time, which + softens all things, will make even this easier to bear._ + + _Believe me, most sincerely yours,_ + + _Lillian M. Roberts._ + + +ACKNOWLEDGING A LETTER OF CONDOLENCE + +Mourning or white paper is always used when answering a letter of +condolence, except when the engraved cards of acknowledgment are sent. +These are severely plain, and the message is always brief. Often they +are sent in the name of the entire family, as: + + _Mr. and Mrs. John Hall Hammond + gratefully acknowledge your expression of + sympathy upon the death of their daughter. + June 6, 1921._ + +This is certainly the easiest way for the bereaved to express their +gratitude, though simple notes of thanks may be sent instead of the +more formal card. + + +ETIQUETTE OF THE FRIENDLY LETTER + +It is often a moot question among friends as to who shall write the +first letter. Generally speaking, it is the one who has gone away +rather than the one who remains behind who writes first, though among +good friends there is no more necessity to count letters than there is +to count visits. The writer knew a college girl who, when she came +home, decided to wait before writing and see how many of her friends +cared enough for her to write to her. She was rather gratified by the +result but if each girl who came away from the school had arrived at +the same decision the situation would have been a very queer one, to +say the least of it. + +A young lady who has gone away may send a card or write a brief note to +a gentleman but if he is the one who has departed she should not write +to him until she has received a letter from him. + +Some people may feel that a discourse on friendly letters has no place +in a book on social intercourse. But we feel that social success is +just as largely dependent upon one's simple friendships as it is upon +highly extravagant social activities, and therefore it is necessary to +know something about the friendly letter. + +The salutation in a friendly letter should always be "Dear Mary" or +"Dear Miss Jones." The text of the letter should be written with ease, +and instead of a long list of questions (as some letter-writers delight +in using), bits of choice news of the day, interesting personal +experiences, and the like should be disclosed. As Elizabeth Myers in +her book "The Social Letter," says: "The friendly letter is our proxy +for a little _tête-à-tête_, telling of the personal news of the day, +and should be as extemporaneous as daily speech. Such letters are given +free scope and it would be as bootless to dictate rules as it would be +to commit a monologue to memory prior to a friendly visit." + +Unless you are very intimate with a friend, and your letter contains +"identifying" news, do not sign yourself merely with your Christian +name. There are many Marys, and Johns and Harolds; and a letter signed +with the full name is as cordial as one which gives only the baptismal +name. + +There is an old Latin proverb, "_Litera scripta manet_," meaning "The +written letter remains." A very pretty sentiment is attached to this +one short sentence. It means not only that the letter itself remains, +but that the thoughts contained in that letter, the kind, unselfish, +pretty thoughts of friendship, remain forever in heart and mind of the +person for whom it was intended. When you write to your friends, make +your letters so beautiful in form and text, that they will be read, +re-read, and cherished a long time after as a fond memory. It will be a +big step on the road to social perfection. Another point to be kept in +mind is that nothing should be written in a letter that one would not +be willing for almost anyone to see. Letters sometimes travel far, and +one can never be altogether sure into what hands they may fall. + + +THE CHILD'S LETTER + +The sooner the child is taught to take care of his or her own personal +correspondence, the sooner he or she will become perfect in the art of +letter-writing. The little ones should be taught early the significance +of the correct letter, the importance of correct social correspondence. +Their duties at first may be light, and guided entirely by mother's +suggestions; but the youngsters will soon find keen pleasure and +enjoyment in creating letters themselves. + +Here are a few letters that might have been written by children between +the ages of seven and twelve. They are not offered as model letters, +for children have a great deal more personality than grown-ups, and +they must get that personality into what they write; otherwise the +letter will be strained and unnatural. Do not be too critical of their +first efforts. Pass over mistakes, and let the letter sound as if the +child and not you had written it. At the same time teach them to be +careful. With a very small bit of diplomacy the child can be brought to +take great pride in a letter which he wrote "with his own hand." And +don't make the children say things that they do not want to. Protect +them from the petty insincerities of social life as long as possible. + + _Dear Aunt May:_ + + _Thank you ever so much for the pretty doll. I have named her + May. Mother thinks she is very pretty but Tom does not. Tom does + not like dolls. He plays with the dog and his tops and marbles + nearly all the time. The dog's name is Mike. He is black. I like + him lots. We are going to have strawberry ice cream Sunday. I wish + you could be here. I would give you a big plate full._ + + _Please come to see me soon._ + + _Your loving niece,_ + + _Helen._ + + + _Dear Uncle Frank,_ + + _I have a box of paints. I painted a dog and a soldier this + morning. The soldier has on a red coat. The dog is a pointer. My + dog is a rat terrier named Jack. He caught a big rat this morning + in the barn. Mother says she thinks he has been eating the + chickens. School will be out in a week. I will be glad. Mother says + she will not. I know how to swim. There is a creek near here. The + water is over my head in one place. I am going fishing one day next + week. I caught two perch last time I went._ + + _Your nephew,_ + + _John._ + + + _Dear Grandma:_ + + _I wish you a very happy birthday, and I hope that you will like + the present I sent you. Mother says that she will take me to see + you soon. I wish she could take me to-day._ + + _Your loving grandchild,_ + + _Mabel._ + + +LETTERS TO PERSONS OF TITLE + +A certain set of definite rules is prescribed for all communication +with titled people. The general rules given for ordinary social +correspondence are not the same for persons of title, and as each +executive, dignitary and man or woman of royal blood requires special +address, it will be necessary to incorporate them into a compact scale +that can be easily referred to. At the end of this volume is a scale +giving the opening, closing and address, formal and informal, for every +person of title. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +PARENTS AND CHILDREN + + +THE HOME + +The home is the unit of our social life, and just as the whole can be +no greater than the sum of its parts so the standard of behavior in a +community can be no higher than the sum of the standards in the homes +that make up that community. If in the home one observes strictly the +rules of politeness, which means kindness, one will have very little +trouble with the rules of etiquette, which is simply the way politeness +finds expression in our intercourse with each other. Minor canons of +etiquette change from time to time but good manners are always the +same, and never out of fashion. + + +APPEARANCE OF THE HOUSE + +Obviously a book on etiquette cannot go into the problems of interior +decoration; yet a word or two will not be out of place. The influence +of one's surroundings on one's temper is enormous though the person may +be unconscious of the fact. A disordered room gives a feeling of +depression and hopelessness to the one who enters it while one that is +tidy tends to impart a feeling of restfulness. If in addition to its +neatness it is furnished in harmonious colors--and one cannot be too +careful of the colors that are used in the home--in subdued tones it +will contribute much more to the peace and happiness of the home than +even those who live there realize. It will not eliminate bad tempers or +do away with disagreeable moments but it will certainly help to reduce +them to a minimum. + + +DRESS + +In another volume in the chapter on funerals we have spoken of the +influence of dress, especially of the influence of the constant +presence of black on young children. This is only one small phase of a +very big subject. + +In the home the chief requisite of one's dress is neatness. A man will +find it much easier to accord the little courtesies of well-bred +society to his wife if she is neatly and becomingly dressed, however +simple the gown may be, than if she is slatternly and untidy. The +children also will find it much easier to love, honor and obey if their +parents give a reasonable amount of time to taking care of their +personal appearance. It is not the most important thing in life but it +is one of the little things "that of large life make the whole" and one +that has much to do with making it pleasant or unpleasant. + +In one of O. Henry's stories a little girl down on Chrystie Street asks +her father, "a red-haired, unshaven, untidy man sitting shoeless by the +window" to play a game of checkers with her. He refuses and the child +goes out into the street to play with the other children "in the +corridors of the house of sin." The story is not a pretty one. Six or +seven years later there is a dance, a murder and a plunge into the East +River. And then the great short story writer says that he dreamed the +rest of the story. He thought he was in the next world and "Liz," for +that was the girl's name, was being tried for murder and +self-destruction. There was no doubt but that she had committed the +crimes ascribed to her, but the verdict of the officer in the celestial +court was, "Discharged." And he added, "The guilty party you've got to +look for in this case is a red-haired, unshaven, untidy man, sitting by +the window reading, in his stocking feet, while his children play in +the streets." It is not so much that dress in itself is important but +that it is an index to so much else, and while it is not an infallible +one it is about as near right as any we have. + + +DRESS FOR CHILDREN + +There can be nothing quite so humiliating to a child as to be dressed +in an outlandish fashion that renders him conspicuous. Some mothers, +delighting in the attractive clothes that they buy for their children, +do not realize what havoc they are causing to the tastes of the child. +A little boy should be dressed like a little boy, and he should be +allowed to develop his own tastes in the selection of his suits and +blouses. A little girl should by all means be allowed to make her +choice of the clothes she is to wear, guided by mother's superior +knowledge and experience. But to force a child to wear a garment +against which its very soul revolts, is to crush whatever natural +instincts the child may have for the beautiful and artistic. + +It is sad to see a child fretting uncomfortably in a suit that is too +tight, or a huge sailor hat that laps down over the eyes. Simple, +comfortable clothes are the best for children, but they should be +excellent material. Rather give the child one dress of excellent +material and workmanship, than two that are faulty and inferior. Teach +her to appreciate material and she will always prefer quality to +gaudiness. + + +CHILDREN AND DEVELOPMENT + +It is not enough to give children the material things of life. There +are some things that money cannot buy, and this thing we call "culture" +is one of them. It is a part of the heavy responsibility of parents to +lead the children in their charge into the paths of right thinking and +right living and the task should be a joyous one. For every child born +into the world has infinite possibilities and at its very worst the +task is illumined by the ray of hope. Even the ugly duckling became a +swan. + + +KNOW YOUR CHILDREN! + +Make that your first commandment in your plan of child-nature. Know +your children! And by "knowing" we do not mean their faults, their +likes and dislikes, their habits. Know their ambitions, their little +hopes, their fears and joys and sorrows. Be not only their advisors and +parents, but their _friends_. + +In his book, "Making the Most of Children," La Rue says: "We may say +there are four kinds of parents,--spades, clubs, diamonds and hearts." +The spade parent, he explains, is buried in his work, eager only to +clothe attractively the body of the child, but willing that the soul +go naked. The club parent is engrossed in social activities; the +father with his clubs and sports, the mother with her dinners and +entertainments. The diamond parents love glitter and ostentation. They +must seem wealthy and prosperous at all cost. They devote their time +and thoughts to their home and outward appearance--they never think +about _knowing_ their children. + +But the heart parent, La Rue tells us, is the man or woman who is +essentially a home maker. He provides a library for the child, a cozy +room, an environment that is truly _home_. And he spends time with +him, learning all about his hopes and ambitions, encouraging him, +teaching him. He knows the child; and the child knows that he has a +friend upon whom to depend not only for material comforts but for +spiritual advice and guidance. + +You must know your children, before you can attempt to make them +well-mannered and well-bred. + + +IMITATION + +The strongest force that enters into the molding of children's +character and deportment is the character and deportment of their own +parents. Youngsters cannot find the beautiful gift of good manners in +some unknown place; whatever they do and say is in imitation of +something they heard their elders do and say. The whole life of a man +or woman is colored by the environment and atmosphere of his or her +early childhood. + +Children should not be taught "party manners." If they are to be +well-bred at all, they must be so at all times; and ill-bred parents +can no more have well-bred children than an oak tree can have pine +needles. And the chief beauty of perfect manners is that they are so +habitual as to be perfectly unconscious. + +Of great importance, therefore, is the law of teaching by example. Show +the children that you yourself follow the laws of good conduct and +courtesy. Whether guests are present or not, let your table etiquette +be faultless. Address everyone, and especially the children themselves, +with studied courtesy and thoughtfulness. A well-bred child is known +immediately by his or her speech; and when courtesy and gentle, polite +conversation is the rule in the home, it will follow as the night the +day that it will be the rule elsewhere. + +Parents invariably feel embarrassment at the ill-manners and lack of +courtesy on the part of their children. They would often be able to +avoid this embarrassment if they realized that it was simply their +manners and lack of courtesy in the home, an indication that they +themselves neglect the tenets of good breeding. + + +THE CHILD'S SPEECH + +It is a very grave mistake to repress constantly the speech of +children. But it is necessary that they should be taught early the true +value of conversation, instead of being permitted to prattle nonsense. +An excellent training is to converse with the child when you are alone +with him, drawing out his ideas, giving him "food for thought," telling +him interesting stories and watching his reactions. + +In addressing elders the child should know exactly the correct forms to +use. For instance, it is no longer considered good form for anyone +except servants or tradespeople to use the expressions "Yes, ma'am," +and "Yes, sir." Still there is some deference due parents and elders, +and the correct method of address is, "Yes, mother," or "No, father," +or "Thank you, Mr. Gray." The manner of the child is just as important +as the form of expression; a courteous, respectful manner should always +be used towards elders. + +Contradictions are unbecoming in children. Yet the young girl or boy +must be entitled to his or her own opinion. If something is said with +which he does not agree, and if he is taking part in the conversation, +he may say, "I beg your pardon, but...." or, "I really think you are +making a mistake. I think that...." + + +AT THE TABLE + +The final test of good manners comes at the table. Remembering this the +parents should lay special stress on this part of a child's training, +so as to make his manner of eating as natural as his manner of +breathing. And one is almost as important as the other. There are no +particular rules for children beyond those which older people should +follow and these are given further on in this volume. Children are +really little men and women and their training is all for the purpose +of equipping them to live the lives of men and women in the happiest +and most useful way possible. + +A child should never seat himself until those older than he are in +place though even this should not be ostentatious. As soon as the +mother or whoever is presiding at the table indicates that it is time +for them to be seated they all should take their places almost +simultaneously. + +Disparaging comments on the food are ill-bred. Unpleasant incidents +should be passed over lightly whether they take place in the intimacy +of the home circle or in a more formal gathering. + +The conversation should be agreeable. Quarreling, nagging, gossiping, +scandal-mongering, and fretting are absolutely taboo. + + +PLAYMATES + +We have already said that children catch their manners from the people +about them. This is as true of their playmates as of their parents and +when the child is in school nearly all day and playing out somewhere +the rest of the time except during the evening when he is at home +studying it is perhaps even more so. The most rigid discipline and the +most loving care will not prevail against the example of Tom, Dick, or +Harry, if these three have been allowed "to run wild." There is a +glamor about lawlessness even among children. This should be kept in +mind by their parents, and while they should be placed, insofar as it +is possible, among desirable playmates, there should not be too stern +repression. For this may stifle development, it may breed sullenness, +or it may engender rebellion. + +There are too many parents to-day who try to bring up their children +"by the rule." There is no rule. Each child is a law unto himself and +the best way the mother or father can learn to take care of him is to +study the youngster himself. + +Instead of the swaggering playmate or one that is otherwise undesirable +the parent should offer something better. Of course, he should be his +child's friend and counselor as well as his parent, but the wisest and +most lovable parent that ever lived could not satisfy all the longings +and desires of the child's heart. He needs companionship of his own +age. The constant friction among playmates is the best way in the world +to rub away sharp corners and rough places. + +Games, books, music, toys, friends--carefully chosen, these are the +most important elements which enter into the molding of the child's +life and are therefore the ones to which greatest attention should be +given. + + +CHILDREN'S PARTIES + +A party is something that the average child looks back upon with +pleasure for a long, long time. There is no more pleasant way of +inculcating a feeling of genuine hospitality or of bringing about an +easy manner in the drawing-room than through allowing children to have +parties and giving them a large share of the responsibility for making +them successful. The mother should superintend everything but she +should consult and advise the child about favors, refreshments, etc. +The most attractive invitations are those which the youngster himself +writes. Charming designs may be had from the stationers with blank +spaces to be filled in by the person sending them. This makes the +child's task delightful as well as simple. + +Until he is old enough to write, his mother pens his invitations. +Rarely are engraved invitations used for a children's affair. The +invitation may be addressed to the child or to its mother and since +parties for little people are usually very informal the invitation +should be informal also. The following shows a form which is sometimes +used: + + _Dear Mrs. Grant,_ + + _I am having a little party for some of Julian's friends Thursday + afternoon and am so anxious for Mary to come. If you will send her + about four o'clock I will see that she gets back home around + six._ + + _Cordially yours,_ + + _Agnes K. Marshall_ + +If the invitation is addressed to the child it might be worded +something like this: + + _Dear Mary,_ + + _Julian is planning to have a little party Thursday afternoon and + he wants you to come about four o'clock. Tell your mother that we + will see that you get home about six. We both want you very + much._ + + _Cordially your friend,_ + + _Agnes K. Marshall._ + +Birthday parties are usually held in the afternoon between three and +six. Older children, those of the Sweet Sixteen age, may have parties +from four to seven, or eight o'clock. Hallowe'en, New Year and St. +Patrick's Day parties for little tots, are invariably in the afternoon. +Mother should arrange for sufficient interesting games to keep the +youngsters amused and entertained; and it always adds greatly to the +fun, if a little prize is offered for the winner of each game. + +Parties and ice-cream, of course, go hand in hand. Sweets, cakes and +fruit usually accompany the ice-cream. Sometimes hot chocolate and +wafers are served to the youngsters. At the birthday party, the +inevitable birthday cake is usually cut and served by the young host or +hostess. Mother must not forget the candles, "one for each year and one +for good measure." The refreshments at young folks' parties are usually +served at or about four o'clock. + +It is most essential to have a sufficient number of amusements planned +to keep the children entertained every minute of the time. They cannot +be trusted to take care of themselves especially if the party is a +mixed one. The hostess must also be careful not to have the games so +active as to tire the youngsters out and she must be sure that the +refreshments are wholesome. It is no very small undertaking to give a +successful children's party but the reward is great enough to make it +worth while. + + +PLANNING SURPRISES + +The two important rules of children's parties may be analyzed briefly +as: simplicity and a surprise combined with suspense. Suspense is +especially important; children have impatient little souls and when +they are promised some strange and vague surprise, they are delighted +beyond measure, and spend the time awaiting it with keen delight and +expectation. + +The surprise may consist of a huge Jack Horner pie, filled with pretty +souvenirs. It may be a Brownie party, with cunning little Brownie hoods +and caps previously prepared for the young visitors. It may be any one +of a thousand gay, simple, childhood games that youngsters delight in. +To offer a prize for the winner always arouses keen interest in the +game. + + +RECEIVING THE YOUNG GUESTS + +At children's parties, the hostess stands in the background cordially +seconding the welcomes extended by her little son or daughter. When +everyone has arrived, the young host or hostess leads the way into the +dining-room and the dinner. + +After the dinner there will be games until it is time to leave. The +wise hostess will see that all fragile bric-à-brac and expensive +furniture is well out of the way before the children come. And she will +see that as soon as a game is becoming too boisterous, or too tiresome, +another is suggested. There must be variety to the entertainment for +children grow weary very quickly. + + +ABOUT THE BIRTHDAY PARTY + +If the party is in honor of a child's birthday, an effort should be +made to make it as festive as possible. The birthday flower, whatever +it happens to be, should be given prominence. The table should have an +attractive floral centerpiece, and must be as well-laid as the +correctly formal dinner-table of the older folks. + +It is customary for the guests to bring a gift for the child, but +lately it has been forbidden by some parents. There is no reason to +forbid it, however, as the custom is a pretty one and the gifts are +usually trifling. And it is as amusing as it is pleasing to watch how +proudly and importantly the young visitor bestows his gifts upon his +comrade. + +The birthday cake holds the place of honor on the table. Around the +edge of it, in small tin holders, are candles--one for each year the +child has thus far celebrated. One candle is blown out by each little +guest, and with it goes a secret wish of happiness for the boy or girl +whose birthday it is. Some parents do not wish to run the risk of +accidents caused by burning candles. In this case, it is pretty to have +the icing on cake represent the face of a clock, with the hour hand +pointing to the hour which indicates the child's age. Very often when +the slices of birthday cake are distributed, tiny gifts are presented +with them. + + +WHEN THE YOUNG GUESTS LEAVE + +A problem which the hostess of children's parties invariably meets, is +how to get the children home safely. Undoubtedly, the parents of the +young children should provide some means of having them escorted home +safely after the party; the duty should not be allowed to devolve upon +the hostess. If the children are older, of high-school age, the young +boys may be trusted to escort the girls to their homes. When children +are very young they have no idea when to leave. The hostess may say, +"Let us have one more game before you start for home, children," and +immediately proceed to explain what the game shall be, impressing it +upon them that they are expected to leave for home as soon as it is +over. Or she may suggest a final grand march which the youngsters will +no doubt enter into whole-heartedly--and the march may lead into the +room where their wraps are waiting. + +There is nothing quite as beautiful and gratifying as a group of +laughing, happy children; and the hostess who has attained this may +indeed feel repaid for her trouble. Children are easy to please, too. +Something absurd, something the least bit out of the ordinary, +something queer or grotesque, is bound to win their immediate applause +no matter how simple and inexpensive it may be. And strangely enough, +the hostess who manages to bring the sunshine and merriment into the +hearts of her young guests, feels young and childish herself for the +time being--and the feeling is one of such utter delight and happiness +that it is well worth the effort. + + +CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINMENTS AWAY FROM HOME + +There are many delightful ways of entertaining children away from home, +and out-of-door parties are especially wholesome. Motion pictures +parties for children that are old enough are very pleasing if the +picture is a good one. This is a point that should be carefully +attended to beforehand. It is no time to "take a chance." At the party +out in the woods or down by the bank of the creek refreshments should +consist of picnic fare. The motion picture party or the matinée party +might be followed by ice-cream or by a simple dinner. But however many +of these entertainments one may give one must remember that there is +after all not a great deal of art in amusing people when the amusements +are furnished by someone else, and also that the art of entertaining +charmingly at home is perhaps the greatest art of them all. + + +CHILDREN AND DANCING + +The dancing school teaches the youngster a great deal more than merely +a few dancing steps. From no other source is it possible for the young +boy or girl to acquire the grace, the poise, the charm of manner that +the dancing school imparts. + +The writer knows a very lovely young miss of twelve years, who has so +charming a manner that one delights to be with her. Yet, her parents +confide, that two years ago she was so nervous and fidgety that they +were ashamed to take her anywhere. They attribute her present grace and +ease to her lessons at dancing school. + +There is no reason why boys should not also be registered at the +dancing school. A young man who, in childhood learned the little +formalities of the dancing school, will not be likely to feel ill at +ease in the formal drawing-room, or at the elaborate dinner. He will +know how to conduct himself without embarrassment or +self-consciousness. + +In training our children's manners and speech, we must not forget that +their physical development is most important. Etiquette requires that +the child know, not only how to act at the table, how to greet visitors +and how to be well-behaved and mannerly, but also how to _appear_ +polite and polished. Dancing gives them just the right foundation for +grace and courtesy of manner. + + +A WORD TO PARENTS + +In your hands has been placed the destiny of a child, or of children, +to be molded, developed and formed into a perfect being. Do not make +the mistake that so many parents make--the mistake of thinking that the +child is a miniature of yourself, a pocket edition of yourself as it +were. You have certain tastes, habits, hopes and desires cultivated +through years of experience and education. The child has a young mind +to be expanded and developed, a young body to be molded into lines of +grace and charm, a young life to be made fine and beautiful. + +It is not an easy task, this leading a child through the correct +channels of early life. The young minds are so sensitive, the young +memory is so retentive; evil influences are so easily made, and become +so readily a part of the boy's or girl's life. Someone once said, +"Motherhood is made up of denial." All parenthood is made up of +denial--for from the time the youngster first opens its eyes in its +cradle, the parents must deny themselves everything that is necessary +to make that child a perfect man or woman. + +They must give up much of their social duties to attend to the +development of the child's mind. They must spend hours with the +youngster in his own or her play, so that there will be woven in with +that play, a subtle teaching. They must deny themselves material and +spiritual comforts so that those whose destiny is in their hands, will +be correctly prepared to meet life. + +There are several chapters to the book of childhood. It is the complete +volume that counts--not just one page. Follow your child through all +his chapters of childhood, enter into his play and study and ambitions. +There are so many little incidents that remain in the memory and +permanently change the behavior. It is one thing to be just a parent, +quite another to be parent and friend. Let your child see that you are +interested in _all_ his activities, and your influence will have a +great deal to do in the shaping of his future manners. + + +AMUSEMENTS + +"Be as careful of the books you read as of the company you keep; for +your habits and character will be as much influenced by the former as +by the latter." This bit of wisdom from the pen of Paxton Hood reveals +one great duty which confronts every parent. The child must have its +own library, and one that will correctly develop its mind and manners. +Even if it is only one shelf of books in the nursery, it should belong +to the child itself. The pride of personal ownership increases the +value of the books. + +Books should be chosen with care, but there should be sufficient +variety to enable the young boy or girl to select the subject that he +or she is most interested in. Fiction should be of the better kind, +"Robinson Crusoe," "Little Lord Fauntleroy," the "Jungle Books," +"Grimm's or Andersen's Fairy Tales," "Alice in Wonderland," etc. Boys +will like "Plain Tales from the Hills," "Bob, Son of Battle," "Treasure +Island," "The Sea Wolf," "Huckleberry Finn," "Twenty Thousand Leagues +Under the Sea," etc. + +There should be special attention given to the classics. It is +unfortunate that so much of the time devoted to them should be spent +altogether in the schoolroom for books that one has to read are rarely +the ones that one likes best. Dickens, Thackeray, Shakespeare, George +Eliot, and a mighty host of others are waiting for the child who is old +enough to understand them. The parent should watch the tendencies of +the mind of his child and should keep him supplied with books that will +develop and expand the little intellect in accordance with its natural +preferences. The best way to teach a child to care for books is to keep +him surrounded with them and to read to him or tell him stories from +time to time and to be patient if he is slow in manifesting a desire to +use the key that unlocks the treasure that lies between the covers of +books. + +Music is one of the best means of developing the child's emotional +nature and of subduing wayward impulses and of bringing about harmony +in the home circle. The writer knows of one family--and there are many +others--which sometimes in the evening finds itself all at sixes and +sevens. Nobody agrees with anybody else; the whole group is hopelessly +tangled. The mother goes to the piano and begins playing a song that +they all know. One by one the members of the family join in and it is +not long before they are all gathered around the piano singing song +after song and the petty disagreements and the unpleasant feeling of +discord have vanished into thin air. + +Much is to be said in favor of the gramophones. Through them the best +music is accessible to almost everyone. But it is not wise to depend on +them altogether, for children have talent to be developed, and there is +a charm about music in the family that is like, to use a crude +comparison--home-cooking. It cannot be duplicated elsewhere. + + +LET THE CHILD BE NATURAL + +After all, the greatest charm of childhood is natural, spontaneous +simplicity. Stilted, party-mannered children are bores. They are +unnatural. And that which is not natural, cannot be well-bred. + +The cause of shy, bashful, self-conscious youngsters is wrong training. +They are repressed instead of developed. Their natural tendencies are +held down by constant reminders and scoldings and warnings. Instead, +they should be _brought out_ by proper encouragement, by kind, +sympathetic understanding. Some children have the idea, in their +extreme youth, that parents are made only to forbid things, to repress +them and make them do things against which their natures revolt. The +bond that should exist between parent and child is a certain +understanding friendliness--an implicit faith on the part of the child, +and a wise guidance on the part of the parent. + +Remember that a child is like a flower. If the flower is not permitted +to struggle upward towards the sun, and to gather in the tiny dewdrops, +it will wither and die. If the child is not allowed to develop +naturally, its tastes and ideals will be warped and shallow. + +Teach your child to be well-mannered and polite, but do not disguise +him with unnatural manners and speech. + + +THE YOUNG GIRL + +There are two kinds of young girls--those who face life as some great +opportunity, who consider it a splendid gift to be made the most of, +and who help to create the beauty that they love to admire; and those +who are butterflies of society, whose lives are mere husks, without +depth, without worth-while impulses and ambitions. They are satisfied +if they know how to dance gracefully, if they know how to enter a room +in an impressive manner, if they know how to be charming at the dinner +table. Their conversation is idle chatter; their ambitions are to be +"social queens," to earn social distinction and importance. + +Fortunately, the twentieth century girl is less of a butterfly than the +tight-laced hoop-skirted young miss of the latter part of the +nineteenth century. Perhaps the war had something to do with it. +Perhaps it is because so many new occupations have been opened up to +her. Perhaps it is evolution. But the young miss of to-day is certainly +more thrilled with life and its possibilities than her sister of two or +three decades ago ever was. + +Life is no longer shown to the young daughter as a plaything by fond +parents who plan no future except marriage and social success for the +young woman whose future rests in their hands. To-day life is shown to +her as it is shown to her brother--as something beautiful, something +impressive, something worthy of deep thought and ambitious plan. + +To-day the young girl is not only taught to dance gracefully, to enter +a room correctly, and to conduct herself with ease and charm at the +dinner table, but she is taught to develop her natural talents and +abilities so that the world will be left a little better for her having +lived in it. Her conduct, therefore, is tinged with a new dignity of +purpose, a new desire to make the best of the gift of life. Instead of +idle chatter her conversation assumes the proportion of intellectual +discussion, and young men and women to-day discuss intelligently +problems that would not have been mentioned in polite society a +generation ago. + +It is to help the young girl to prepare for the glorious future that +awaits her that the following paragraphs are written. + + +THE GIRL'S MANNERS + +There is nothing quite as charming in a young girl as repose of manner. +A soft voice, a quiet, cultured manner is more to be admired than a +pretty face, or an elaborate gown. + +Let the young girl look to the ancient Greeks for inspiration. Here she +will find the true conception of beauty--repose of manner and utter +simplicity. She will find that to be perfect is to be natural, and that +one must be simple and unostentatious to be beautiful in the true sense +of the word. After all, what can be quite so lovely as beautiful +manners? And what can be more worthy of admiration and respect than a +sweet, well-mannered young girl? + +Politeness and courtesy are two other important virtues that the young +girl should develop. She should be as polite to her mother and sister +as she is to strangers. She should be courteous and kind to everyone. +And she should learn the art of listening as well as the art of +conversation. + + +THE CHAPERON + +American girls with their independent ideas of social requirements mock +the idea of a chaperon to the theater or dance. And this is especially +true of the many young women who are planning careers for themselves, +who intend to be more than social butterflies. + +We are proud of the ideal American girl. We do not mean, of course, the +self-esteemed, arrogant young miss who derides all conventions and +calls herself "free." In her we are not interested at all. But there is +the true American type--the young girl who is essentially a lady, who +has self-reliance but is not bold, who is firm without being +overbearing, who is brainy but not masculine, who is courageous, strong +and fearless, yet _feminine_. She has no need of the chaperon; and +it is because of her that the "decay of the chaperon" has been so rapid +in America. + +And so we find that the American girl who is well-bred, who is +well-mannered and high-principled, may attend the theater and the dance +with gentlemen, unchaperoned. It is only when she travels abroad or +stops at a hotel for any length of time that social requirements still +command that she be chaperoned. But even then, the girl who travels on +business purposes, need feel no embarrassment when she is alone, if her +manner and speech are as polished and correct as they should be. + + +THE YOUNG COUNTRY MISS + +In the small town or in the country, if a young girl goes to a party or +other social meeting with a young man, he is, of course, expected to +escort her home again. If the hour is early and the family will +probably still be up, she may invite him in if she wishes to do so. But +it is not an obligation. If it is late, she does not invite him into +the house, but she may ask him to call. In some sections of the United +States it is still considered correct for the young man himself to +request that he be permitted to call. + +A correspondent has written to inquire whether or not it is correct for +a young girl to thank a young man for his escort just before leaving +him at her own door. Evidently the young lady who has written has +herself been in doubt as to whether or not it is correct. In this +instance, circumstances alter cases. If she were a young country miss +returning from an informal village function, she would by no means +offer thanks. But if the young man has obviously put himself to an +inconvenience to escort her home, then it is only polite that she offer +him some expression of gratitude. A city girl does not thank her +escort, but he on the other hand, may thank her for a very pleasant +afternoon or evening if he wishes to do so. + + +THE GIRL AND HER MOTHER + +The young girl should follow her mother's example and advice in all +things. Eighteen is the correct coming-out age for the young American +girl, and until then she should obey her mother without question. She +should be guided by her wider experience, by her more mature knowledge. +But unfortunately this is not always so. Mothers and daughters are not +the "pals" they ought to be. + +Recently a woman was asked by a very close friend why she allowed her +daughter to attend the theater and the dance with a young man who was +of questionable character. "Surely you have some influence over her," +the friend persisted. "Tell her to avoid him." But she simply smiled in +a tired sort of way and said, "I am only her mother." + +This should not be. The mother should guide her daughter in all she +does, and the daughter should be willing to abide by her mother's +decisions. Otherwise that sacred, beautiful friendship that can be +created only between a mother and daughter will never exist. + + +FOR THE SHY AND SELF-CONSCIOUS + +A great many of us suffer from self-consciousness. We always imagine +that people are looking at us, talking about us, ridiculing us. We are +never at ease among strangers, never happy when people are around. We +are always embarrassed, shy, ill at ease. + +There is a story told about the famous Hawthorne who was so shy and +self-conscious that he ran out of the house or hid himself whenever he +saw visitors approaching. His wife, who was also very timid and +retiring by nature, was left to entertain the guests as best she could. +Hawthorne was heartily ashamed of himself, but instead of trying to +overcome his self-consciousness he sought and found forgetfulness in +his books and writings. His wife, on the other hand, was forced to +overcome her natural timidity for the sake of her husband and for the +sake of the hospitality of the Hawthorne home. And because she +determined to do it, she soon became entirely unself-conscious and able +to conduct herself with ease and unconcern even among the most +celebrated people. + +And so you see that self-consciousness can be overcome. There is no +reason for the bride to feel embarrassed and ill at ease when she is +hostess for the first time in her new home. There is no reason for the +young girl to feel shy and timid when she is introduced in society. +There is no reason for the young man to be self-conscious in the +presence of ladies. A little will power and a little sincere effort +will banish this fault forever. + + +FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF + +That is the only way you can hope to cure yourself of +self-consciousness--forget about yourself! There are so many delightful +things you can think of, so many interesting things beyond the selfish +little boundaries of your own self. Send your thoughts abroad, send +them into the universe to drink deeply of knowledge and learning, to +delve into the wells of profound interest that surround us on every +side--and forget about the petty commonplaces of life, the unimportant +everyday conventionalities. Then you will forget about yourself also, +and before you realize it you will be calm, dignified, unafraid. All +suggestion of self-consciousness will have vanished. + + +WHY THE SHY ARE AWKWARD + +When a bride leaves a small country place to become the hostess in a +large house in a large city, she is very likely to feel ill at ease and +conscious of herself. Naturally, this makes her awkward in her manners. + +Shyness is over-sensitiveness--a shrinking from observation. It causes +us to worry about what others are thinking about us, and naturally it +makes us morbid. Thus we are kept from appearing at our best, and in +all our manners and actions we appear awkward and nervous. It is very +necessary to overcome this fault if one wishes to mingle with people of +the best society. + +Orison Swett Marden says, "If you are a victim of timidity and +self-depreciation, afraid to say your soul is your own; if you creep +about the world as though you thought you were taking up room which +belonged to somebody else; if you are bashful, timid, confused, +tongue-tied when you ought to assert yourself, say to yourself, 'I am a +child of the King of Kings. I will no longer suffer this cowardly +timidity to rule me. I am made by the same Creator who made all other +human beings. They are my brothers and sisters. There is no more reason +why I should be afraid to express what I feel or think before them than +if they were in my own family.'" + +The great inspirational writer has shown you in this little paragraph +the way to overcome your self-consciousness--the foolish timidity that +is robbing you of your privilege of self-assertion, of your ease and +grace of manner, of your very happiness. Whenever you feel embarrassed +and ill at ease in the presence of strangers, think of the words of +Marden. Remember that you are one of the children of the universe, that +we are all brothers and sisters, and that you have as much right to +assert yourself as any other man or woman in the world. And when you +finally do overcome your timidity you will find that you have acquired +a splendid new grace and charm of manner. + + +SELF-CONFIDENCE VERSUS CONCEIT + +Do not have the mistaken idea that confidence in oneself, lack of +self-consciousness, is conceit. As a matter of fact, it is much better +to be shy and self-conscious than to be a pert, aggressive egotist. + +The first lesson to learn, in your crusade against self-consciousness, +is that you must not be _ashamed of your shyness_. That will make +you even more conscious of yourself. Forget that you are shy. Or if you +cannot forget, tell yourself that it is better to be reserved and +modest than to be conceited and aggressive. Do not shrink from +strangers, but meet them and talk to them as though they were your +brothers, or sisters. Treat everyone like an equal, but do not treat +yourself as an inferior. + +Self-confidence is what makes success, whether it is in the social +world or the business world. It was self-confidence that helped Edison +with each new invention. It was self-confidence that enabled Madame +Marie Curie, penniless and obscure, to discover radium, the greatest +and most wonderful metal in the world. All achievement is founded on +self-confidence--not of the aggressive sort, but of the quiet, calm, +unassuming sort that is so easy to develop if one will only try. + +Determine that you will no longer allow timidity and shyness to rule +you. Assert yourself! And watch how your manners improve. + + +COUNTRY HOSPITALITY + +The country hostess must not feel that she is expected to entertain her +guests in city fashion. There is a great deal of difference between the +facilities and conditions of country and city life, and social +activities are consequently different in both localities. + +In the country there is much less mingling with strangers than there is +in the city. Social entertainments are confined very largely to the +home fireside. There are few clubs, few large halls and auditoriums. A +feeling of intimacy and good-fellowship exists which is entirely +lacking in large cities. Almost everybody knows everybody else, and +when a large entertainment is given, the whole village knows about it. + +To attempt to emulate her city sister would be folly for the country +hostess. She hasn't the facilities nor the natural conditions conducive +to the elaborate and strictly formal entertainments and activities of +the city. In the country everything should be on a simpler, more +informal basis; the natural beauties of the country are certainly not +compatible with the fashionable and often ostentatious activities of +the city. + + +IMPORTANCE OF SIMPLICITY + +We go to the country because we are tired of the town and we want rest, +quiet, peace. We do not expect to find a frenzied attempt at imitation +of city entertainments. Yet this is what so many hostesses do--instead +of retaining the delightful natural simplicity of their homes, they +feel that they must entertain their city friends in city fashion. And +invariably they fail. + +Very often when a city man or woman is tired of the sham and narrow +conventionalities of city life, he or she will plan to visit a country +friend. If that country friend is wise, he or she will make no +elaborate preparations, but just greet the friend with the simple +country hospitality that is so alluring to city people. Where in the +city can you find the good-fellowship, the spontaneity, the courteous +kindliness that you find in the small town and village? Where in the +city can you find the open-hearted generosity, the sympathetic +understanding and the simple courtesy that you find among country +people? The elaborate ball room with its richly gowned women is +charming and impressive; but the simple country party with its Virginia +reel, the daughters in their party clothes and mothers in their "best +black silks" are no less charming. + +For the sake of those young men and women who live in the country and +know liveried chauffeurs and uniformed butlers only through books, for +the sake of those men and women who live in the country because they +love simplicity and the beauties of nature, but for those who are eager +to know good manners and know what is correct at all times, we are +writing the following paragraph on etiquette in the small town. Let us +first write about + + +THE HOSTESS + +When entertaining guests from the city, fresh flowers should be brought +into the house every day. The meal served should be simple; elaborate +course dinners are not in good form when the facilities of the hostess +do not permit them. Nothing ostentatious should be attempted; just +simple, homelike hospitality such as is offered the neighbors and +friends of the village. + +Early dining is usual in the country, especially in the summer. +Sometimes high tea is served. The tea-urn is placed on the table before +the hostess to give a homelike air to the function, and fruits and +flowers are placed in cut glass bowls on the table. Preserves, honey +and cakes should also be on the table in cut glass or china dishes. Hot +biscuits, muffins and wafers are usually served at high tea, with one +substantial dish like cold chicken, salad or cold sliced meats. + +Hammocks, tennis courts, rowboats, etc., should be placed at the +disposal of visiting guests. The considerate hostess always plans some +sort of entertainment for guests that have come a long way to visit +her, but she does not make any attempt to provide anything elaborate. A +simple country dance or a musicale is relaxing and entertaining. + +Protection from flies, mosquitoes, etc. should be provided for guests. +If chairs and hammocks are on the porch, it should be completely +screened in to prevent mosquitoes from annoying the guests. It is just +such little considerations as these that make country hospitality so +delightful. + + +THE GUEST + +Whether you are a guest from the city, or a friend from the village, +you have a certain definite etiquette to observe when you are at the +home of a country hostess. First you must make yourself agreeable and +helpful. If you are from the city, forget the restricting formalities +you have been accustomed to. You may speak to everyone in the hostess' +drawing-room--or parlor--even though there have been no introductions. +And if you see an elderly man or woman standing all alone in one corner +of the room, you can go over to him or her, start a conversation, and +offer to get a chair or an ice for the stranger. It is not necessary to +wait for an introduction. + +Do not be dull during the afternoon or evening. Be pleasant and +agreeable; if conversation lags, stimulate it with an interesting +anecdote. If you can entertain in some way, either by singing, playing +some musical instrument, or reciting, don't be backward about offering +your services. Remember you are not in an elaborate ball room but among +simple country folks, and if you can provide enjoyable entertainment +for them, they will appreciate it just as much as you yourself will +enjoy it. + +An offish person always spoils the fun of a country party. If you feel +you are superior to the Virginia reel and the apple paring contests, do +not attend. Move to the city where you can attend elaborate social +functions. But while you are at the party, do your best to add to the +general enjoyment, and do not spoil things by being disagreeable and +unpleasant. + +It is poor taste to wear very fashionable city clothes to a simple +country entertainment. If you come from the city, wear something simple +and pretty, but not something that will make you conspicuous. If you +are a man and you know that none of the other men will wear full dress, +then don't be presumptuous enough to appear in your swallow-tail. But +if you are a village friend, you may wear your "Sunday best" for +undoubtedly everyone else who attends the party will do likewise. + + +FOR COUNTRY FOLKS + +Never attempt to make false impressions. That is one great fault found +among certain country people. When city friends call, they attempt to +overawe them with their superiority. While the city friends are with +them, they do not notice their village friends at church, nor do they +invite them to their house. They devote themselves exclusively to their +friends from the city--and invariably those friends return home +disappointed and disillusioned. + +When people move in the neighborhood, it is considered polite to pay +them the first visit--"to extend the hand of welcome," as the +expression is. The hostess should offer a cup of tea with crackers or +cake, and should make herself agreeable in every way. However, the +acquaintance should not be forced; if the newcomers are haughty and +aloof, it is well to leave them to themselves, until they have absorbed +some of the good-fellowship and courtesy of the village. + +There is very little need for formal calling cards in the small village +where everybody knows everybody else. A great many of the +conventionalities of city life are, of course, found in the country; +but a great many more of them are lacking. And among them are the +strictly formal introductions, calls and social functions that are +observed with such punctiliousness in the city. Simplicity should be +the keynote of country life, and quiet, dignified manners should be the +ideal of country people. + + +THE ENDLESS ROUND OF HOSPITALITY + +Hospitality does not mean the giving of sumptuous banquets or elaborate +dinners. It does not mean the extravagant recklessness of much-talked-about +house parties, or extended yachting trips. It does not mean the holding +of gay and festive balls. + +No, it means none of these, for even in the most humble home one can +find the truest hospitality. There need be no rich display, no obvious +effort at ostentation. For hospitality is that open-hearted, +open-handed, generous, lovable, beautiful fellow-feeling for +fellow-mortals--the kind of feeling that makes you throw open your +home, small apartment or mighty mansion, as the case may be, and bid +your friends and acquaintances welcome. Welcome, mind you, that has in +its greeting none of the sham cordiality, that wealthy people sometimes +parade merely for the sake of being able to show their worldly goods to +the envious eyes of their guests,--but a whole-souled and whole-hearted +welcome that is willing to share everything one has. + +And so, the round of hospitality goes endlessly on, host and hostess +making the pleasure and comfort of the guest their prime consideration. +Parties, receptions, dances, balls, dinners--all are instances of the +eagerness of the world, the social world, to entertain, to give +pleasure, to amuse. And the guests, in their turn, repay the +hospitalities with other hospitalities of their own. And we find, in +this glorious twentieth century it is our fortune to be living in, a +wholesome, generous hospitality that puts to shame the history-famed +achievements of kings and princes of yore. + + +WHEN TO INVITE + +The question naturally arises, what are the occasions that require +hospitality? Frankly, there are no definite occasions. Hospitality is +the index to breeding and culture at all times. But there are certain +ceremonious occasions that warrant the _invited hospitality_--and +such are the occasions that we will study in this chapter. + +First, we find the wedding anniversary claiming the ceremony of many +invited guests and much festive entertainment. Thus, wedding +anniversaries offer an excellent opportunity for hospitality. Then +there is the occasion of the young daughter's introduction to +society--an event which is important, indeed, and requires the utmost +hospitality on the part of host and hostess alike. When one's son +graduates from college, a little dinner party and perhaps some musical +entertainment afterward is an appropriate time to show by one's +hospitality, sincere gratitude for the splendid educational +opportunities afforded the youth of America. Oh, there are countless +opportunities, countless "excuses," if you will call it that, countless +occasions when hospitality can be shown to one's friends and +acquaintances! And it is only by taking advantage of these +opportunities, by revealing one's unselfish, ungrudging hospitality, +that one rightly earns the name of _cultured_. + +The hostess who sighs in relief when the guest has departed is not +truly hospitable. She should have a certain sense of satisfaction in +the knowledge of her very weariness. For hasn't she served her guests +well? Hasn't she sent them to their homes a little happier than when +they first came? The sigh should be one of sheer joy. + +No one invites guests to his or her home to make them unhappy. +Therefore, if among your friends you number one whose worldly goods are +very much less than your own, do not invite him or her to a fashionable +ball where rich display will make him feel sadly out of place. Rather +save the invitation for a quiet, afternoon tea. And on the other hand, +if you are unable to care for the wants and comforts of several guests, +do not invite them to house parties. + +Be hospitable--but above all use good sense and good judgment before +you invite. + + +THE GUESTS AND THEIR DUTIES + +The fact that America is the home of hospitality and land of the most +generous hostesses, does not indicate necessarily that the guest, in +his selfishness, should take advantage of it. A well-bred, considerate +person always seeks to minimize as far as possible the efforts of his +or her hostess, and to make the visit or stay pleasant. She, or he, +constantly endeavors to aid the hostess in providing entertainment. In +short, he returns the hospitality of the host and hostess, with a +hospitality of his own--a hospitality that, in itsconsideration and +regard for the rights of others, is one of the beautiful things that +makes life worth the living. + +It is superb--this giving and returning of hospitality: We find a +worried, anxious business man, forgetting for the moment his pressing +affairs in the diverting entertainments provided for him by his +hostess; in return, exerting every effort to contribute to the success +of the evening, to join in the conversation when he would rather be +silent and pensive, to be witty and humorous when he would much prefer +being moody and despondent. And so it goes on, a constant giving and +returning of hospitality, so beautiful and so inspiring that it is +worthy of the stress given to it in the social world. + +There are some paramount obligations which the guest must observe. +Among them, perhaps most exacting, is punctuality. To keep others +waiting, to be continually tardy, is to demonstrate one's rudeness and +want of good breeding. Promptness in regard to the answering of +invitations, punctuality in attending dinners, luncheons and parties of +any kind,--these are marks of good breeding. + +If one is invited to a dance or party and does not wish to attend +without an out-of-town friend who happens to be stopping with him or +her at the time--a friend who certainly cannot be deserted on the +afternoon or evening of the occasion--it is permissible to write a +cordial note to the hostess explaining the situation and requesting +that an invitation be extended to the friend. However, no resentment +should be felt if the hostess finds she must refuse the request; for +she may have had to refuse some of her own friends on account of +conditions beyond her control. + +But no guest may bring to a party, dance or dinner, a friend or +acquaintance who has not been invited. This is considered a breach of +etiquette, and the hostess is not inhospitable when she does not invite +that particular guest again. + +The guest must conform in all things to the tastes and customs of his +host and hostess. He must find (or feign) enjoyment in everything that +is proposed by them, everything that is offered by them in the way of +entertainment. + +In taking leave of the hostess it is necessary to thank her cordially. +Criticisms, either of the conduct of some other guest, or of servants, +are poor form and should be avoided. The ideal guest is the one who has +that ease and poise of manner, that calmness and kindness of temper, +that loving and lovable disposition that makes people somehow want to +talk to and be with him. Such a guest needs no set of rules--inherently +he knows the laws of good conduct and fine manners; he is the boon of +hosts and hostesses the world over. + + +EXECUTIVES OF STATE + +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + |Addressing |Salutation|Salutation|Closing |Closing + Title |Envelope |Formal |Informal |Formal |Informal +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + President |President |Sir |My dear |I have the |I have the + of |Calvin | |Mr. |honor to |honor to + United |Coolidge | |President |remain your |remain most + States | | | |most |respectfully + | | | |obedient |(sincerely) + | | | |servant |yours +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Vice- |The Vice- |Sir or |My dear |I have, sir, |I have the + President |President |Dear Sir |John Doe |the honor to |honor to + |John Doe | | |remain your |remain most + | | | |obedient |respectfully + | | | |servant |(sincerely) + | | | | |yours +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Cabinet |Hon. or |Sir or |My dear |I have, sir, |I have the + Member |Honorable |Dear Sir |Hubert |the honor to |honor to + |Hubert Work, | |Work |remain your |remain most + |Secretary of | | |obedient |respectfully + |Interior, | | |servant |(sincerely) + |etc. | | | |yours +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Senator |Senator |Sir or |My dear |I have, sir, |Believe + |William M. |Dear Sir |Senator |the honor to |me, most + |Calder or | |Calder |remain your |sincerely + |Honorable | | |obedient |yours + |William M. | | |servant | + |Calder | | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Member of |Honorable |Sir or |My dear |I have, sir, |Believe + House of |Robert C. |Dear Sir |Mr. Bacon |the honor to |me, most + Represen- |Bacon | | |remain your |sincerely + tatives | | | |obedient |yours + | | | |servant | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Justice |Mr. Justice |Sir or |Dear |I have, sir, |Believe + of Supreme|H. Taft, or |Dear Sir |Justice |the honor to |me, most + Court |The Hon. H. | |Taft |remain your |sincerely + |Taft Justice | | |obedient |yours + |of Supreme | | |servant | + |Court | | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Governor |Governor |Sir or |Dear |I have, sir, |Believe + of State |Alfred E. |Dear Sir |Governor |the honor to |me, most + |Smith | |Smith, or |remain your |sincerely + | | |Dear Mr. |obedient |yours + | | |Smith |servant | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Mayor of |His Honor |Sir or |My dear |I have, sir, |Believe + City |the Mayor of |Dear Sir |Mayor |the honor to |me, most + |New York, | | |remain your |sincerely + |John F. | | |obedient |yours + |Hylan | | |servant | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + + +CHURCH DIGNITARIES + +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + |Addressing |Salutation|Salutation|Closing |Closing + Title |Envelope |Formal |Informal |Formal |Informal +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Archbishop|The Most |My Lord |My dear |I remain, my |I have + Anglican |Reverend, |Archbishop|Lord |Lord |honor to + Church |His Grace |May it |Archbishop|Archbishop, |remain + |the |Please |your | |my dear + |Archbishop |Your |Grace's | |Archbishop + |of York |Grace |obedient | | + | | |servamt | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Anglican |To the Right |My Lord |My dear |I have |I have + Bishop |Reverend, | |Lord |honor to |honor to + |the Lord | |Bishop |remain your |remain, + |Bishop of | | |Lordship's |my dear + |Kent | | |obedient |Lord + | | | |servamt |Bishop, + | | | | |faithfully + | | | | |yours +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Roman |The Most |Most |Most |I have the |I have the + Catholic |Reverend John|Reverend |Reverend |honor to |honor to + Archbishop|G. McCaular, |and dear |and dear |remain your |remain your + |Archbishop |Sir |Sir |humble |humble + |of Newgate | | |servant |servant +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Cardinal |His Eminence,|Your |Your |I have the |I have the + |Cardinal |Eminence |Eminence |honor to |honor to + |Newton | |or Dear |remain your |remain your + | | |Cardinal |humble |humble + | | |Newton |servant |servant +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Roman |To the Right |Right |My dear |I have the |I have the + Catholic |Reverend |Reverend |Bishop |honor to |honor to + Bishop |Joseph F. |and dear |White |remain your |remain your + |White, |Sir | |humble |humble + |Bishop of | | |servant |servant + |Massachusetts| | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Protestant|Right |Right |Dear |I have the |I have the + Bishop |Reverend |Reverend |Bishop |honor to |honor to + |Edward F. |and dear |Conroy |remain your |remain your + |Conroy, |Sir | |obedient |obedient + |Bishop of | | |servant, or |servant, or + |New Jersey | | |I remain |I remain + | | | |respectfully |respectfully + | | | |(sincerely) |(sincerely) + | | | |yours |yours +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Roman |The Reverend |Reverend |Dear |I beg to | + Catholic |James G. Hill|and dear |Father |remain, very | + Priest or |(with D.D.) |Sir |Hill (to |sincerely | + Protestant|or Reverend | |Catholic) | | + Minister |Doctor Hill | |Dear | | + | | |Doctor or | | + | | |Mr. Hill | | + | | |(to Prot- | | + | | |estant) | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Rabbi |Dr. F. G. |Dear Sir |Dear Dr. |I beg to | + |Krauss | |Krauss |remain, Yours| + | | | |sincerely | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + + +ROYALTY + +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + |Addressing |Salutation|Salutation|Closing |Closing + Title |Envelope |Formal |Informal |Formal |Informal +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + King or |To His (Her) |Sir (or |Dear (or |I have the | + Queen |Most Gracious|Madam), |Honored) |honor to | + |Majesty King |May it |Sir (or |remain your | + |George (Queen|please |Madam) |Majesty's | + |Mary) |your | |most | + | |Majesty | |obedient | + | | | |servant | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Royal |To His (Her) |Sir |Dear Sir |I have the |Your Royal + Prince or |Royal |(Madam), |Dear Madam|honor to |Highness' + Princess |Highness, |May it | |remain your |most + |the Prince of|please | |Royal |obedient + |Wales (or |your | |Highness' |servant + |Princess |Highness | |humble | + |Mary) | | |servant | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Duke and |To His (Her) |My Lord |My dear |I have the |Believe + Duchess |Grace, the |(Madam), |Duke |honor to |me, dear + |Duke of |May it |My dear |remain your |Duke + |Devonshire |please |Duchess |Grace's most |(Duchess) + |(or Duchess |your Grace| |obedient |yours very + |of | | |servant |sincerely + |Devonshire) | | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Dowager |To Her Grace,|Madam, May|My dear |I have the |Believe + Duchess |the Dowager |it please |Duchess |honor to |me, dear + |Duchess of |your Grace|(Informal)|remain your |Duchess, + |Devonshire, | | |Grace's most |yours very + |or To Her | | |obedient |sincerely + |Grace, Anne, | | |servant | + |Duchess of | | | | + |Devonshire | | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Marquis |To the |My Lord |My dear |Believe me, |Believe me, + Marchion- |Marquis of |Marquis |Lord Fife |Lord (Lady) |Lord (Lady) + ess |Fife, To the |Madam |Dear Lady |Fife, very |Fife, very + |Marchioness | |Fife |sincerely |sincerely + |of Fife | | |yours |yours + |To the Most | | | | + |Noble Marquis| | | | + |of Fife, To | | | | + |the Most | | | | + |Noble | | | | + |Marchioness | | | | + |of Fife | | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Dowager |To the |Madam |Dear Lady |Believe me, |Believe me, + Marchion- |Dowager, | |Fife |Lady Fife, |Lady Fife, + ess |Marchioness | | |very |very + |of Fife, To | | |sincerely |sincerely + |Mary, | | |yours |yours + |Marchioness | | | | + |of Fife | | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Younger |To the Right |My Lord |My dear |I have the |Believe me, + son and |Honorable, | |Lord James|honor to |My dear + wife of |the Lord | |Grey, |remain your |Lord (Lady) + a Duke or |James Grey, | |Dear Lady |(Ladyship's) |Grey, + Marquis |To the Right | |James Grey|obedient |faithfully + |Honorable, | | |servant |yours + |the Lady | | | | + |James Grey | | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Daughter |Right Hon. |Madam |Dear Lady |I have the |Believe me, + of Duke, |the Lady | |Janet |honor to |dear Lady + Marchion- |Janet Gregory| | |remain your |Janet, very + ess or |(Informal) | | |Lordship's |faithfully + Earl |To the Lady | | |(Ladyship's) |yours + |Janet Gregory| | |obedient | + | | | |servant | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Earl |Right |My Lord |Dear Lord |Believe me, my dear Lord + Countess |Honorable |(Madam) |Kent |(Lady) Kent, sincerely + |the Earl of | |Dear Lady |yours + |Kent, | |Kent | + |Countess of | | | + |Kent | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+------------------------ + Viscount |Right |My Lord |Dear Lord |Believe me, my dear Lord + Viscount- |Honorable |(Madam) |(Lady) |(Lady) Kent, sincerely + ess |Viscount | | |yours + |(Viscountess)| | | + |Grey or To | | | + |Viscount Grey| | | + |To Viscount- | | | + |ess Grey | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+------------------------ + Baron |Right |My Lord |Dear Lord |Believe me, my dear Lord + Baroness |Honorable |(Madam) |(Lady) |(Lady) Kent, sincerely + |the Baron | | |yours + |Whiteside, | | | + |The Right | | | + |Honorable the| | | + |Baroness | | | + |Whiteside | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Younger |To the |Sir, Dear |Dear Mr. |I have the |Believe me, + son and |Honorable |Sir |Warwick |honor to |dear Mr. + Wife of |James |(Madam, |Dear Mrs. |remain your |or Mrs. + Earl, |Warwick, To |Dear |Warwick |obedient |Warwick, + Viscount |the Honorable|Madam) | |servant |sincerely + or Baron |Mrs. Warwick | | | |yours +------------+-------------+----------+----------+-------------+---------- + Daughter |To the |Dear Madam|Dear Miss |Believe me, sincerely + of |Honorable | |Grey |yours + Viscount |Miss Grey | | | + or Baron | | | | + | | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+------------------------ + Baronet |To Sir James |Sir |Dear Sir |Believe me, dear Sir + Lady |Grey, Bart. |Madam |James |James, faithfully + |To Lady| |Grey |yours + |Grey | |Dear Lady |Believe me, dear + | | |Grey |Lady Grey, + | | | |faithfully yours + | | | | + | | | | +------------+-------------+----------+----------+------------------------ + Knight |Sir James |Sir |Dear Sir |Believe me, dear Sir + Lady |Grey, |Madam |James |James, faithfully + |Lady James | |Dear Lady |yours + |Grey | |Grey |Believe me, dear + | | | |Lady Grey + | | | |faithfully yours +------------+-------------+----------+----------+------------------------ + + + + + + +End of the 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