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diff --git a/35941.txt b/35941.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bf753af --- /dev/null +++ b/35941.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2631 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Life of Saint Monica, by F. A. (Frances Alice) Forbes + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Life of Saint Monica + +Author: F. A. (Frances Alice) Forbes + +Release Date: April 24, 2011 [EBook #35941] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LIFE OF SAINT MONICA *** + + + + +Produced by David McClamrock + + + + + + + + + +THE LIFE OF SAINT MONICA + +BY + +F.A. [FRANCES ALICE] FORBES + +THIRD EDITION + +LONDON + +BURNS OATES & WASHBOURNE LTD. + +PUBLISHERS TO THE HOLY SEE + +1928 + + + +Nihil Obstat. + +EDWARDUS MYERS, + +_Censor Deputatus_. + +Imprimatur. + +EDM. CAN. SURMONT, + +_Vicarius Generalis_. + +WESTMONASTERII, + +_die 15 Junii, 1915_. + + + +Standard-bearers of the Faith + +A SERIES OF LIVES OF THE SAINTS FOR YOUNG AND OLD + +SAINT MONICA + + + +CONTENTS + +CHAPTER + + I. HOW ST. MONICA WAS BROUGHT UP BY CHRISTIAN PARENTS IN THE CITY + OF TAGASTE + + II. HOW ST. MONICA LIVED IN THE PAGAN HOUSEHOLD OF HER HUSBAND + PATRICIUS + + III. HOW ST. MONICA BROUGHT UP HER CHILDREN, AND HOW THE LITTLE + AUGUSTINE FELL SICK AND DESIRED BAPTISM + + IV. HOW ST. MONICA BY HER GENTLENESS AND CHARITY WON PATRICIUS AND + HIS MOTHER TO CHRIST + + V. HOW AUGUSTINE WENT TO CARTHAGE, AND HOW PATRICIUS DIED A + CHRISTIAN DEATH + + VI. HOW ST. MONICA LIVED IN THE DAYS OF HER WIDOWHOOD, AND HOW SHE + PUT ALL HER TRUST IN GOD + + VII. HOW ST. MONICA'S HEART WAS WELL NIGH BROKEN BY THE NEWS THAT + HER SON HAD ABJURED THE CHRISTIAN FAITH + + VIII. HOW AUGUSTINE PLANNED TO GO TO ROME, AND HOW HE CRUELLY + DECEIVED HIS MOTHER + + IX. HOW AUGUSTINE CAME TO MILAN, AND HOW HIS TEMPEST-TOSSED SOUL + FOUND LIGHT AND PEACE AT LAST + + X. HOW ST. MONICA LIVED AT CASSIACUM WITH AUGUSTINE AND HIS + FRIENDS, AND HOW AUGUSTINE WAS BAPTIZED BY ST. AMBROSE + + XI. HOW ST. MONICA SET OUT FOR AFRICA WITH ST. AUGUSTINE, AND HOW + SHE DIED AT OSTIA ON THE TIBER + + + +This book is above all things the story of a mother. But it is also +the story of a noble woman--a woman who was truly great, for the +reason that she never sought to be so. Because she understood the +sphere in which a woman's work in the world must usually lie, and led +her life truly along the lines that God had laid down for her; +because she suffered bravely, forgot herself for others, and remained +faithful to her noble ideals, she ruled as a queen amongst those with +whom her life was cast. Her influence was great and far-reaching, but +she herself was the last to suspect it, the last to desire it, and +that was perhaps the secret of its greatness. The type is rare at the +present day, but, thank God! there are Monicas still in the world. If +there were more, the world would be a better place. + + + +CHAPTER I + +HOW ST. MONICA WAS BROUGHT UP BY CHRISTIAN PARENTS IN THE CITY OF +TAGASTE + +On the sunny northern coast of Africa in the country which we now +call Algeria stood, in the early days of Christianity, a city called +Tagaste. Not far distant lay the field of Zarna, where the glory of +Hannibal had perished for ever. But Rome had long since avenged the +sufferings of her bitter struggle with Carthage. It was the ambition +of Roman Africa, as the new colony had been called by its conquerors, +to be, if possible, more Roman than Rome. Every town had its baths, +its theatre, its circus, its temples, its aqueducts. It was forbidden +even to exiles as a place of refuge--too much like home, said the +authorities. + +It was about the middle of the fourth century. The Church was coming +forth from her long imprisonment into the light of day. The successor +of Constantine, in name a Christian, sat on the Imperial throne. The +old struggle with paganism, which had lasted for four hundred years, +was nearly at an end, but new dangers assailed the Christian world. +Men had found that it was easier to twist the truth than to deny it, +and heresy and schism were abroad. + +In the atrium or outer court of a villa on the outskirts of Tagaste +an old woman and a young girl sat together looking out into the dark +shadows of the evening, for the hot African sun had sunk not long +since behind the Numidian Mountains, and the day had gone out like a +lamp. + +"And the holy Bishop Cyprian?" asked the girl. + +"They sent him into exile," said the old woman, "for his father had +been a Senator, and his family was well known and powerful. At that +time they dared not put him to death, though later he, too, shed his +blood for Christ. It was God's will that he should remain for many +years to strengthen his flock in the trial." + +"Did you ever see him, grandmother?" asked the girl. + +"No," said the old woman, "it was before my time; but my mother knew +him well. It was when he was a boy in Carthage and still a pagan that +the holy martyrs Perpetua and Felicitas suffered with their +companions. It was not till years after that he became a Christian, +but it may have been their death that sowed the first seed in his +heart." + +"Tell me," said the girl softly. It was an oft-told tale of which she +never tired. Her grandmother had lived through those dark days of +persecution, and it was the delight of Monica's girlhood to hear her +tell the stories of those who had borne witness to the Faith in their +own land of Africa. + +"Perpetua was not much older than you," said the old woman. "She was +of noble race and born of a Christian mother, though her father was a +pagan. She was married, and had a little infant of a few months' old. +When she was called before the tribunal of Hilarion the Roman +Governor, all were touched by her youth and beauty. Sacrifice to the +gods,' they said, 'and you shall go free.' 'I am a Christian,' she +answered, and nothing more would she say, press her as they might. + +"Her old father hastened to her side with the baby, and laid it in +her arms. 'Will you leave your infant motherless?' he asked, 'and +bring your old father's hairs in sorrow to the grave?' + +"'Have pity on the child!' cried the bystanders. 'Have pity on your +father!' + +"Perpetua clasped her baby to her breast, and her eyes filled with +tears. They thought she had yielded, and brought her the incense. + +"'Just one little grain on the brazier,' they said, 'and you are +free-for the child's sake and your old father's.' + +"She pushed it from her. 'I am a Christian,' she said. 'God will keep +my child.' + +"She was condemned with her companions to be thrown to the wild +beasts in the amphitheatre, and they were taken away and cast into a +dark dungeon. Every day they were tempted with promises of freedom to +renounce the Truth. The little babe of Felicitas was born in the +prison where they lay awaiting death. A Christian woman took the +infant to bring it up in the Faith. The young mother never saw the +face of her child in this world. One word, one little motion of the +hand, and they were free, restored again to their happy life of old +and the homes that were so dear. There were many, alas! in those +cruel days who had not courage for the fight, who sacrificed, and +went their way. Not so these weak women. + +"Once again they brought Perpetua her little child to try to shake +her constancy. 'The prison was like a palace,' she said, while its +little downy head lay on her breast. Her father wept, and even struck +her in his grief and anger. 'I am a Christian,' she said, and gave +him back the babe. + +"They were thrown to the wild beasts. Felicitas and Perpetua, who had +been tossed by a wild cow, though horribly gored, were still alive. +Gladiators were summoned to behead them. Felicitas died at the first +stroke, but the man's hand trembled, and he struck at Perpetua again +and again, wounding her, but not mortally. 'You are more afraid than +I,' she said gently, and taking the point of the sword held it to her +throat. + +"'Strike now,' she said, and so passed into the presence of her God." + +Monica drew a long breath. + +"So weak and yet so strong," she said. + +"So it is, my child," said the old woman. "It is those who are strong +and true in the little things of life who are strong and true in the +great trials." + +"It is hard to be always strong and true," said the girl. + +"Not if God's love comes always first," answered the old woman. + +Monica was silent. She was thinking of her own young life, and how, +with all the safeguards of a Christian home about her, she had +narrowly escaped a great danger. From her babyhood she had been +brought up by her father's old nurse--not over-tenderly perhaps, but +wisely, for the city of Tagaste was largely pagan in its habits, and +the faithful old servant knew well what temptations would surround +her nursling in later years. Monica, though full of life and spirit, +had common sense and judgment beyond her years. She had also a great +love of God and of all that belonged to His holy service, and would +spend hours kneeling in the church in a quiet corner. It was there +she brought all her childish troubles and her childish hopes; it was +to the invisible Friend in the sanctuary that she confided all the +secrets of her young heart, and, above all, that desire to suffer for +Him and for His Church with which the stories of the martyrs had +inspired her. When the time slipped away too fast, and she returned +home late, she accepted humbly the correction that awaited her, for +she knew that she had disobeyed--although unintentionally--her +nurse's orders. + +Monica had been wilfully disobedient once, and all her life long she +would never forget the lesson her disobedience had taught her. It was +a rule of her old nurse that she should take nothing to drink between +meals, even in the hot days of summer in that sultry climate. If she +had not courage to bear so slight a mortification as that, the old +woman would argue, it would go ill with her in the greater trials of +life. Monica had become used to the habit, but when she was old +enough to begin to learn the duties of housekeeping her mother had +desired that she should go every day to the cellar to draw the wine +for the midday meal. A maid-servant went with her to carry the +flagon, and the child, feeling delightfully important, filled and +refilled the little cup which was used to draw the wine from the cask +and emptied it carefully into the wine-jar. When all was finished, a +few drops remaining in the cup, a spirit of mischief took sudden +possession of Monica, and she drained it off, making a wry face as +she did so at the strange taste. The maid-servant laughed, and +continued to laugh when the performance was repeated the next day and +the day after. The strange taste became gradually less strange and +less unpleasant to the young girl; daily a few drops were added, +until at last, scarcely thinking what she did, she would drink nearly +the fill of the little cup, while the servant laughed as of old. But +Monica was quick and intelligent, and was learning her household +duties well. Finding one day that a piece of work which fell to the +lot of the maid who went with her to the wine-cellar was very badly +done, she reproved her severely. The woman turned on her young +mistress angrily. + +"It is not for a wine-bibber like you to find fault with me," she +retorted. + +Monica stood horrified. The woman's insolent word had torn the veil +from her eyes. Whither was she drifting? Into what depths might that +one act of disobedience so lightly committed have led her had not God +in His mercy intervened? She never touched wine for the rest of her +life unless largely diluted with water. God had taught her that "he +who despises small things shall fall by little and little," and +Monica had learnt her lesson. She had learnt to distrust herself, and +self-distrust makes one marvellously gentle with others; she had +learnt, too, to put her trust in God, and trust in God makes one +marvellously strong. She had been taught to love the poor and the +suffering, and to serve them at her own expense and inconvenience, +and the service of others makes one unselfish. God had work for +Monica to do in His world, as He has for us all if we will only do +it, and He had given her what was needful for her task. + +That night on the way to her chamber, as the young girl passed the +place where she had sat with her grandmother earlier in the day, she +paused a moment and looked out between the tall pillars into the +starlit night, where the palm-trees stood like dark shadows against +the deep, deep blue of the sky. She clasped her hands, and her lips +moved in prayer. "Oh God," she murmured, "to suffer for Thee and for +Thy Faith!" God heard the whispered prayer, and answered it later. +There is a living martyrdom as painful and as bitter as death, and +Monica was called to taste it. + + + +CHAPTER II + +HOW ST. MONICA LIVED IN THE PAGAN HOUSEHOLD OF HER HUSBAND PATRICIUS + +Although there were many Christians in Roman Africa, pagan manners +and customs still survived in many of her cities. The people clung to +their games in the circus, the cruel and bloody combats of the arena, +which, though forbidden by Constantine, were still winked at by +provincial governors. They scarcely pretended to believe in their +religion, but they held to the old pagan festivals, which enabled +them to enjoy themselves without restraint under pretence of +honouring the gods. The paganism of the fourth century, with its +motto, "Let us eat, drink, and be merry," imposed no self-denial; it +was therefore bound to be popular. + +But unrestrained human nature is a dangerous thing. If men are +content to live as the beasts that perish, they fall as far below +their level as God meant them to rise above it, and the Roman Empire +was falling to pieces through its own corruption. In Africa the +worship of the old Punic gods, to whom living children used to be +offered in sacrifice, had still its votaries, and priests of Saturn +and Astarte, with their long hair and painted faces and scarlet +robes, were still to be met dancing madly in procession through the +streets of Carthage. + +The various heretical sects had their preachers everywhere, +proclaiming that there were much easier ways of serving Christ than +that taught by the Catholic Church. It was hard for the Christian +bishops to keep their flocks untainted, for there were enemies on +every side. + +VVhen Monica was twenty-two years old her parents gave her in +marriage to a citizen of Tagaste called Patricius. He held a good +position in the town, for he belonged to a family which, though poor, +was noble. Monica knew little of her future husband, save that he was +nearly twice her age and a pagan, but it was the custom for parents +to arrange all such matters, and she had only to obey. + +A little surprise was perhaps felt in Tagaste that such good +Christians should choose a pagan husband for their beautiful +daughter, but it was found impossible to shake their hopeful views +for the future. When it was objected that Patricius was well known +for his violent temper even amongst his own associates, they answered +that he would learn gentleness when he became a Christian. That +things might go hard with their daughter in the meantime they did not +seem to foresee. + +Monica took her new trouble where she had been used to take the old. +Kneeling in her favourite corner in the church, she asked help and +counsel of the Friend Who never fails. She had had her girlish ideals +of love and marriage. She had dreamt of a strong arm on which she +could lean, of a heart and soul that would be at one with her in all +that was most dear, of two lives spent together in God's love and +service. And now it seemed that it was she who would have to be +strong for both; to strive and to suffer to bring her husband's soul +out of darkness into the light of truth. Would she succeed? And if +not, what would be that married life which lay before her? She did +not dare to think. She must not fail--and yet . . . . "Thou in me, O +Lord," she prayed again and again through her tears. + +It was late when she made her way homewards, and that night, kneeling +at her bedside, she laid the ideals of her girlhood at the feet of +Him Who lets no sacrifice, however small, go unrewarded. She would be +true to this new trust, she resolved, cost what it might. + +Things certainly did not promise well for the young bride's +happiness. Patricius lived with his mother, a woman of strong +passions like himself, and devoted to her son. She was bitterly +jealous of the young girl who had stolen his affections, and had made +up her mind to dislike her. The slaves of the household followed, of +course, their mistress's lead, and tried to please her by inventing +stories against Monica. + +Patricius, who loved his young wife with the only kind of love of +which he was capable, had nothing in common with her, and had no clue +to her thoughts or actions. He had neither reverence nor respect for +women--indeed, most of the women of his acquaintance were deserving +of neither--and he had chosen Monica for her beauty, much as he would +have chosen a horse or a dog. He thought her ways and ideas +extraordinary. She took as kindly an interest in the slaves as if +they had been of her own flesh and blood, and would even intercede to +spare them a beating. She liked the poor, and would gather these +dirty and unpleasant people about her, going so far even as to wash +and dress their sores. Patricius did not share her attraction, and +objected strongly to such proceedings; but Monica pleaded so humbly +and sweetly that he gave way, and let her do what seemed to cause her +so much pleasure. "There was no accounting for tastes," he remarked. +She would spend hours in the church praying, with her great eyes +fixed on the altar. True, she was never there at any time when she +was likely to be missed by her husband, and never was she so full of +tender affection for him as when she came home; but still, it was a +strange way of spending one's time. + +There was something about Monica, it is true, that was altogether +unlike any other inmate of the house, as she went about her daily +duties, always watching for the chance of doing a kind action. + +When Patricius was in one of his violent tempers, shouting, abusing, +and even striking everybody who came in his way, she would look at +him with gentle eyes that showed neither fear nor anger. She never +answered sharply, even though his rude words wounded her cruelly. He +had once raised his hand to strike her, but he had not dared; +something--he did not know what--withheld him. + +Later, when his anger had subsided, and he was perhaps a little +ashamed of his violence, she would meet him with an affectionate +smile, forgiving and forgetting all. Only if he spoke himself, and, +touched at her generous forbearance, tried shamefacedly to make +amends for his treatment of her, would she gently explain her +conduct. More often she said nothing, knowing that actions speak more +loudly than words. As her greatest biographer says of her: "She spoke +little, preached not at all, loved much, and prayed unceasingly." + +When the young wives of her acquaintance, married like herself to +pagan husbands, complained of the insults and even blows which they +had to bear, "Are you sure your own tongue is not to blame?" she +would ask them laughingly; and then with ready sympathy would do all +she could to help and comfort and advise. They would ask her secret, +for everyone knew that, in spite of the violence of Patricius's +temper, he treated her with something that almost approached respect. +Then she would bid them be patient, and love and pray, and meet +harshness with gentleness, and abuse with silence. And when they +sometimes answered that it would seem weak to knock under in such a +fashion, Monica would ask them if they thought it needed more +strength to speak or to be silent when provoked, and which was +easier, to smile or to sulk when insulted? Many homes were happier in +consequence, for Monica had a particular gift for making peace, and +even as a child had settled the quarrels of her young companions to +everybody's satisfaction. + +To the outside world Patricius's young wife seemed contented and +happy. She managed her affairs well, people said, and no one but God +knew of the suffering that was her secret and His. Brought up in the +peace and piety of a Christian family, she had had no idea of the +miseries of paganism. Now she had ample opportunity to study the +effects of unchecked selfishness and of uncontrolled passions; to see +how low human nature, unrestrained by faith and love, could fall. +Her mother-in-law treated her with suspicion and dislike, for the +slaves, never weary of inventing fresh stories against her, +misrepresented all her actions to their mistress. Monica did not seem +to notice unkindness, repaying the many insults she received with +little services tactfully rendered, but she felt it deeply. + +"They do not know," she would say to herself, and pray for them all +the more earnestly, offering her sufferings for these poor souls who +were so far from the peace of Christ. How was the light to come to +them if not through her? How could they learn to love Christ unless +they learned to love His servants and to see Him in them? The +revelation must come through her, if it was to come at all. "Thou in +me, O Lord," she would pray, and draw strength and courage at His +feet for the daily suffering. + +The heart of Patricius was like a neglected garden. Germs of +generosity, of nobility, lay hidden under a rank growth of weeds that +no one had ever been at any trouble to clear away. The habits of a +lifetime held him captive. With Monica he was always at his best, but +he grew weary of being at his best. It was so much easier to be at +his worst. He gradually began to seek distractions amongst his old +pagan companions in the old ignoble pleasures. + +The whole town began to talk of his neglect of his beautiful young +wife. Monica suffered cruelly, but in silence. When he was at home, +which was but seldom, she was serene and gentle as usual. She never +reproached him, and treated him with the same tender deference as of +old. Patricius felt the charm of her presence; all that was good in +him responded; but evil habits had gone far to stifle the good, and +his lower nature cried out for base enjoyments. He was not strong +enough to break the chain which held him. + +So Monica wept and prayed in secret, and God sent a ray of sunshine +to brighten her sad life. Three children were born to her during the +early years of her marriage. The name of Augustine, her eldest son, +will be for ever associated with that of his mother. Of the other +two, Navigius and Perpetua his sister, we know little. Navigius, +delicate in health, was of a gentle and pious nature. Both he and +Perpetua married, but the latter after her husband's death entered a +monastery. With her younger children Monica had no trouble; it was +the eldest, Augustine, who, after having been for long the son of her +sorrow and of her prayers, was destined to be at last her glory and +her joy. + + + +CHAPTER III + +HOW ST. MONICA BROUGHT UP HER CHILDREN, AND HOW THE LITTLE AUGUSTINE +FELL SICK AND DESIRED BAPTISM + +As soon as the little Augustine was born, his mother had him taken to +the Christian Church, that the sign of the Cross might be made on his +forehead, and that he might be entered amongst the catechumens. It +was a custom of the time--never approved of by the Church--to put off +Baptism until the catechumen had shown himself able to withstand the +temptations of the half-pagan society in the midst of which he had to +live. Through this mistaken idea of reverence for the Sacrament the +young soldier of Christ, lest he should tarnish his weapons in the +fight, was sent unarmed into a conflict in which he needed all the +strength which the Sacraments alone can give. + +The outlook for Monica, with her pagan husband and her pagan +household, was darker than for most Christian mothers. Her heart grew +heavy within her as she held her young son in her arms and thought of +the future. For the present indeed he was hers; but later, when she +could no longer keep him at her side and surround him with a mother's +love and protection, what dangers would beset him? The influence of +an unbelieving father, during the years when his boyish ideas of life +would be forming; a household that knew not Christ--how could he pass +untouched through the dangers that would assail his young soul? With +prayers and tears, Monica bent over the unconscious little head that +lay so peacefully upon her breast, commending her babe to the +Heavenly Father to Whom all things are possible. + +Augustine drank in the love of Christ with his mother's milk, he +tells us. As soon as he could speak, she taught him to lisp a prayer. +As soon as he could understand, she taught him, in language suited to +his childish sense, the great truths of the Christian Faith. He would +listen eagerly, and, standing at his mother's knee, or nestling in +her arms, follow the sweet voice that could make the highest things +so simple to his childish understanding. + +It was the seed-time that was later to bear such glorious fruit, +though the long days of winter lay between. The boy was thoughtful +and intelligent; he loved all that was great and good and noble. The +loathing of what was mean and base and unlovely, breathed into him by +his mother in those days of early childhood, haunted him even during +his worst moments in later life. The cry that burst from his soul in +manhood, when he had drunk deeply of the cup of earthly joys and +found it bitter and unsatisfying, had its origin in those early +teachings. "Thou hast made us for Thyself, O God, and our hearts can +find no rest until they rest in Thee." + +One day, when the child was about seven years old, he was suddenly +seized with sickness. He was in great pain, and soon became so ill +that his life was in danger. His parents were in anguish, but +Augustine's one thought was for his soul; he begged and prayed that +he might receive Baptism. Monica added her entreaties to his. +Patricius yielded. All was prepared, when the child suddenly got +better. Then someone intervened, probably his father, for Augustine +tells us that the Baptism was put off again--indefinitely. + +But it was time to think of the boy's education, and it was proposed +to send him to school in Tagaste. It was a pagan school to which the +child must go, pagan authors that he must study, and, worse than all, +pagan conversation that he must hear and pagan playmates with whom he +must associate. + +Patricius was proud of the beauty and the intelligence of his little +son, and hoped great things for the future; but Augustine's early +school-days were far from brilliant. Eager as the boy was to learn +what interested him, he had an insurmountable dislike to anything +that caused him trouble. It bored him to learn to read and write, and +the uninspiring truth that two and two make four was a weariness of +the flesh to him. Though the stories of Virgil enchanted him, Homer +he never thoroughly enjoyed nor quite forgave, for had he not for his +sake been forced to wade through the chilly waters of the Greek +grammar? + +Unfortunately for Augustine, such dismal truths as two and two make +four have to be mastered before higher flights can be attempted. The +Tagaste schoolmasters had but one way of sharpening their scholars' +zeal for learning--the liberal use of the rod. + +Now, Augustine disliked beatings as much as he disliked all other +unpleasant things, but he also disliked work. The only way of evading +both disagreeables was to follow the example of the greater number of +his fellow-scholars--to play when he should have been working, and to +tell clever lies to his schoolmasters and his parents in order to +escape punishment. Such tricks, however, are bound to be found out +sooner or later, and Monica, realizing that much could be got out of +her son by love, but little by fear, took him for a course of +instruction to the Christian priests, that he might learn to overcome +himself for the love of God. + +As a result Augustine took more earnestly to his prayers, asking, +above all, however, that he might not be beaten at school. His +mother, finding him one day praying in a quiet corner to this intent, +suggested that if he had learnt his lessons for the day he need have +no fear, but if he had not, punishment was to be expected. Patricius, +who was passing and overheard the conversation, laughed at his son's +fears and agreed with his wife. Augustine thought them both +exceedingly heartless. + +As the boy grew older, however, his wonderful gifts began to show +themselves, and his masters, seeing of what he was really capable, +punished him yet more severely when he was idle. Augustine, too, +began to take pride in his own success, and to wish to be first +amongst his young companions. The latter cheated as a matter of +course, both in work and at play. Bad habits are catching, and +Augustine would sometimes cheat too. When found out he would fly into +a passion, although no one was so severe on the dishonesty of others +as he. And yet, though he would often yield to the temptations that +were the hardest for his pleasure-loving nature to resist, there was +much that was good in the boy. He had a faithful and loving heart, an +attraction for all that was great and noble. He was, in fact, his +mother's son as well as his father's; the tares and the wheat were +sprouting side by side. + +But Augustine was rapidly growing out of childhood. Patricius, +prouder than ever of his clever son, resolved to spare no pains to +give him the best education that his means could procure. The boy had +a great gift of eloquence, said his masters, and much judgment; he +would be certain to succeed brilliantly at the Bar. It was decided to +send him to Madaura, a town about twenty miles distant, a good deal +larger than Tagaste, and well known for its culture and its schools. +It was one of the most pagan of the cities of Africa, but this was an +objection that had no weight with Patricius, although it meant much +to Monica. The only comfort for her in the thought of this first +separation was that there at least her son would not be far from +home. Not far away in truth, as distance goes, but how far away in +spirit! Madaura was a large and handsome city, with a circus and +theatre, and a fine forum, or market-place, set round with statues of +the gods. It was proud of its reputation for learning, but had little +else to be proud of. Its professors were men who were more ashamed of +being detected in a fault of style than in the grossest crimes, who +were ashamed indeed of nothing else. The pagan gods were held up to +their scholars as models for admiration and imitation. + +It was a poor ideal at the best. The gods were represented by the +great pagan poets and authors as no better, if more powerful, than +ordinary mortals. They were subject to all the meannesses and all the +baseness of the least noble of their worshippers. That their +adventures, neither moral nor elevating, were told in the most +exquisite language by the greatest authors of antiquity rather added +to the danger than decreased it. True, the noblest of the classical +writers broke away continually from the bondage which held them, to +stretch out groping hands towards the eternal truth and beauty into +which real genius must always have some insight, but not all were +noble. + +The students of Madaura were worthy of their masters. Nothing was too +shameful to be talked about, if only it were talked about in +well-turned phrases. The plays acted in the theatre were what might +be expected in Roman society of the fourth century--that society from +which St. Anthony and St. Jerome had been forced to flee to the +desert in order to save their souls. + +Augustine won golden opinions from his masters for his quickness and +intelligence. They thought of nothing else but of cultivating the +minds of their scholars. Heart and soul were left untouched, or +touched in such a way that evil sprang to life and good was stifled. +He was a genius, they cried, a budding rhetorician, a poet. + +Although masters and scholars alike applauded him, Augustine, while +he drank their praises greedily, was restless and unhappy. He had +gone down before the subtle temptations of Madaura like corn before +the scythe. First evil thoughts, but carelessly resisted; then evil +deeds. He had lost his childish innocence, and with it his childish +happiness. For he knew too much, and was too noble of nature to be +content with what was ignoble. The seeds of his mother's teaching +were yet alive within him. + +And Monica? Only twenty miles away at Tagaste she was praying for her +son, beseeching the Heavenly Father to keep him from evil, to watch +over him now that she was no longer at his side, hoping and trusting +that all was well with her boy. + + + +CHAPTER IV + +HOW ST. MONICA BY HER GENTLENESS AND CHARITY WON PATRICIUS AND HIS +MOTHER TO CHRIST + +Of all the hidden forces in the world perhaps the most mysterious is +what we call "influence." For good or for evil, to a lesser or a +greater degree, it goes out from each one of us, and has its effect +on all with whom we come in contact. It is like a subtle breath that +braces the spirit to good, or relaxes it to evil, but never leaves it +untouched or unmoved. "No man liveth to himself alone," said St. +Paul, who had many opportunities of watching the workings of that +mysterious force in the world and of studying its effects. According +as we follow our best and noblest instincts, or, to use a homely but +vivid phrase, let ourselves go, consciously or unconsciously, we give +an upward lift or a downward push to all who come in contact with us. +Happily for us all, God does not ask of us attainment, but effort, +and earnest effort is the simple secret of healthy influence. + +Monica, it is true, was a Saint, but a Saint in the making. Saints +are not born ready-made; holiness is a beautiful thing that is built +up stone by stone, not brought into being by the touch of the +enchanter's wand. + +During the years that had passed since Patricius had brought his +young wife home to his mother's house, she would have been the first +to confess how far she had fallen short of the ideal she had set +herself to attain. And yet there had been ceaseless effort, ceaseless +prayer, unwearying love and patience. Outwardly all seemed as usual, +but the hidden force had been doing its work in secret--as it always +does. + +The mother of Patricius was growing old; she was neither so active +nor so strong as she had been. What had used to be easy to her was +becoming difficult. It galled her independent spirit to be obliged to +ask help of others. Monica, reading her heart as only the unselfish +can, saw this and understood. At every moment the older woman would +find that some little service had been done by unseen hands, some +little thoughtful act that made things easier for the tired old +limbs. There was someone who seemed to know and understand what she +wanted almost before she did herself. + +Who could it be? Not the slaves, certainly. They did their duty for +fear of being beaten, but that was all. It was all, indeed, that was +expected of them. Not Patricius, either; it was not his way, he never +thought of such things. It could therefore be no one but Monica. + +The old woman mused deeply. She had treated her daughter-in-law +harshly and unkindly during all these years. She had looked upon her +as an intruder. But then, the slaves had told her unpleasant stories +of their young mistress; it was only what she deserved. And yet .... +It was hard to think of those ugly tales in connection with Monica as +she herself knew her--as she had seen her day by day since she came +first, a young bride, to her husband's home. + +Again, how had Monica repaid her for her unkindness? With +never-failing charity and sweetness, with gentle respect and +deference to her wishes, never trying to assert herself, never +appealing to her husband to give her the place which of right +belonged to her. She had been content to be treated as the last in +the house. + +The old woman sat lost in thought. What would the house be like, she +suddenly asked herself, without that gentle presence? What would she +do, what would they all do, Without Monica? With a sudden pang of +sorrow she realized how much she leant upon her daughter-in-law, what +her life would be without her. She considered the matter in this new +light. She was a woman of strong passions but of sound common sense; +reason was beginning to triumph over prejudice. + +Sending for the slaves, she questioned them sharply as to the tales +they had told her about their young mistress. They faltered, +contradicted each other and themselves--in the end confessed that +they had lied. + +The old lady went straight to her son, and told him the whole story. +Patricius was not one to take half measures in such a matter. Not +even the prayers of Monica, all unconscious of the particular offence +they had committed, availed to save the culprits. They were as +soundly beaten as they had ever been in their lives, after which they +were told that they knew what to expect if they ever breathed another +word against their young mistress again. As it happened, they had no +desire to do so. The hidden forces had been working there too. +Monica's kindness, her sympathy with their joys and sorrows--to them +something strange and new--had already touched their hearts. More +than once they had been sorry for ever having spoken against her; +they had felt ashamed in her presence. + +Justice having been done on the slaves, the mother of Patricius +sought out her daughter-in-law, told her frankly that she had been in +the wrong, and asked her forgiveness. Monica clasped the old woman in +her arms and refused to listen. From that moment they were the truest +of friends. + +There were many things to be spoken of, but first religion. Monica +had revealed her Faith by her life, her daily actions, and to the +other it was a beautiful and alluring revelation. She wanted to know, +to understand; she listened eagerly to Monica's explanations. + +It was a message of new life, of hope beyond the grave, of joy, of +peace; she begged to be received as a catechumen. It was not long +before she knelt at Monica's side before the altar to be signed on +the brow with the Cross of Christ--the joyous first-fruits of the +seed that had been sown in tears. + +One by one the slaves followed their mistress's example, hungering in +their turn for the message that brought such peace and light to +suffering and weary souls. Was it for such as they? they asked. And +Monica answered that it was for all, that the Master Himself had +chosen to be as One that served. + +The whole household was Christian now, with the exception of +Patricius, and even he was growing daily more gentle, more +thoughtful; the mysterious forces were working on him too. His love +for Monica was more reverent; his eyes were opening slowly to the +beauty of spiritual things. The old life, with its old pleasures, was +growing distasteful to him; he saw its baseness while as yet he could +scarcely tear himself free from its fetters--the fetters of old habit +so hard to break. He noticed the change in his mother, and +half-envied her her courage. He even envied the slaves their happy +faces, the new light that shone in their eyes and that gave them a +strange new dignity. + +Monica, watching the struggle, redoubled her prayers; her unselfish +love surrounded her husband like an atmosphere of light and +sweetness, drawing him with an invincible power to better things. She +would speak to him of their children--above all, of Augustine, their +eldest-born, the admiration of his masters at Madaura. He was +astonishing everybody, they wrote, by his brilliant gifts. He had the +soul of a poet and the eloquence of an orator; he would do great +things. + +Madaura had been all very well up till now, his father decided, but +everything must be done to give their boy a good start in life; they +must go farther afield. Rome was impossible; the distance was too +great and the expense too heavy. Patricius's means were limited, but +he resolved to do his utmost for his eldest son. Carthage had a +reputation for culture and for learning that was second only to that +of Rome. If strict economy were practised at home, Carthage might be +possible. In the meantime it was not much use leaving the boy at +Madaura. Let him come home and remain there a year, during which he +could study privately while they saved the money to pay his expenses +at Carthage. + +The suggestion delighted Monica. She would have her son with her for +a whole year. She would be able to watch over him just when he needed +her motherly care; she looked forward eagerly to Augustine's return. +The old, intimate life they had led together before he went to +Madaura would begin again. Again her boy would hang on her arm and +tell her all his hopes and dreams for the future--hopes and dreams +into which she always entered, of which she was always part. She +would look once more into the boy's clear eyes while he confessed to +her his faults and failings, and see the light flame up in them as +she told him of noble and heroic deeds, and urged him to be true to +his ideals. + +And so in happy dreams the days went past until Augustine's return; +but there was bitter grief in store for Monica. This was not the same +Augustine that they had left at Madaura two years ago. The days of +the old familiar friendship seemed to have gone past recall. His eyes +no longer turned to her with the old candour; he shunned her +questioning look. He shunned her company even, and seemed more at +ease with his father, who was proud beyond words of his tall, +handsome son. + +He was all right, said Patricius; he was growing up, that was all. +Boys could not always be tied to their mother's apron-strings. The +moment that Monica had so dreaded for Augustine had come then; the +pagan influences had been at work. Oh, why had she let him go to +Madaura? And yet it had to be so; his father had insisted. + +She made several efforts to break through the wall of reserve that +Augustine had built up between himself and her, but it was of no use. +He had other plans now into which she did not enter, other thoughts +far away--how far away!--from hers. A dark cloud was between them. + +One day she persuaded her son to go out with her. The spring had just +come--that wonderful African spring when the whole world seems +suddenly to burst into flower. Asphodels stood knee-deep on either +side of the path in which they walked; the fragrance of the +springtime was in their nostrils; the golden sunlight bathed the +rainbow earth. It was a walk that they had loved to take of old, to +delight together in all the beauty of that world which God had made. + +Monica spoke gently to her son of the new life that lay before him, +of the dangers that beset his path. He must hold fast to the Law of +Christ, she told him; he must be pure and strong and true. + +There was no answering gleam as of old. The boy listened with a bad +grace--shame and honour were tugging at his heart-strings, but in +vain. The better self was defeated, for the lower self was growing +stronger every day. + +"Woman's talk," he said to himself. "I am no longer a child." + +They turned back through the glorious sights and sounds of the +springtime; there was a dagger in Monica's heart. On the threshold +she met Patricius. He wanted to speak to her, he said. She slipped +her arm into his, smiling through her pain, and they went back again, +between the nodding asphodels and the hedges of wisteria, along the +path she had just trodden with her son. + +There was an unwonted seriousness about Patricius. He had been +thinking deeply of late, he told her. He had begun to see things in a +new light. It was dim as yet, and he was still weak; but the old life +and the old religion had grown hateful to him. Her God was the true +God; he wanted to know how to love and serve that God of hers. Was he +fit, did she think, to learn? Could he be received as a catechumen? + +The new joy fell like balm on the new sorrow. Monica had lost her +son, but gained her husband. God was good. He had heard her prayers, +He had accepted her sacrifice. Surely He would give her back her boy. +She would trust on and hope. "He will withhold no good thing from +them that ask Him." + +A few days later Patricius knelt beside her at the altar. Her heart +overflowed with joy and thankfulness. They were one at last--one in +soul, in faith. A few steps distant knelt Augustine. What thoughts +were in his heart? Was it the last struggle between good and evil? +Was the influence of his mother, the love of Christ she had instilled +into him in his childhood, making one last stand against the +influences that had swayed him in Madaura--that still swayed him--the +influences of the corrupt world in which he lived? We do not know. If +it was so, the evil triumphed. + + + +CHAPTER V + +HOW AUGUSTINE WENT TO CARTHAGE, AND HOW PATRICIUS DIED A CHRISTIAN +DEATH + +Augustine's year at home did not do for him what Monica had hoped. +His old pagan schoolfellows gathered round him; he was always with +them; the happy home-life seemed to have lost its charm. The want of +principle and of honour in most of them disgusted him in his better +moments; nevertheless he was content to enjoy himself in their +company. He was even ashamed, when they boasted of their misdoings, +to seem more innocent than they, and would pretend to be worse than +he really was, lest his prestige should suffer in their eyes. There +were moments when he loathed it all, and longed for the old life, +with its innocent pleasures; but it is hard to turn back on the +downhill road. + +He tells us how he went one night with a band of these wild +companions to rob the fruit-tree of a poor neighbour. It was laden +with pears, but they were not very good; they did not care to eat +them, and threw them to the pigs. It was not schoolboy greed that +prompted the theft, but the pure delight of doing evil, of tricking +the owner of the garden. There was the wild excitement, too, of the +daring; the fear that they might be caught in the act. He was careful +to keep such escapades a secret from his mother, but Monica was +uneasy, knowing what might be expected from the companions her son +had chosen. + +Patricius was altogether unable to give Augustine the help that he +needed. The Christian ideals of life and conduct were new to him as +yet; the old pagan ways seemed only natural. He was scarcely likely +to be astonished at the fact that his son's boyhood was rather like +what his own had been. He was standing, it is true, on the threshold +of the Church, but her teaching was not yet clear to him. His own +feet were not firm enough in the ways of Christ to enable him to +stretch a steadying hand to another. + +His mother was failing fast; the end could not be far off. Monica was +devoting herself heart and soul to the old woman, who clung to her +with tender affection, and was never happy in her absence. + +Patricius watched them together, and marvelled at the effects of the +grace of Baptism. Was that indeed his mother, he asked himself, that +gentle, patient old woman, so thoughtful for others, so ready to give +up her own will? She had used to be violent and headstrong like +himself, resentful and implacable in her dislikes, but now she was +more like Monica than like him. That was Monica's way, though; her +sweetness and patience seemed to be catching. She was like the +sunshine, penetrating everywhere with its light and warmth. He, alas! +was far behind his mother. Catechumen though he was, the old temper +would often flash out still. Self-conquest was the hardest task that +he had ever undertaken, and sometimes he almost lost heart, and was +inclined to give it up altogether. Then Monica would gently remind +him that with God's help the hardest things were possible, and they +would kneel and pray together, and Patricius would take heart again +for the fight. She had a wonderful gift for giving people courage; +Patricius had noticed that before. He supposed it was because she was +so full of sympathy, and always made allowances. And then she seemed +to think--to be sure, even--that if one went on trying, failures did +not matter, God did not mind them; and that was a very comforting +reflection for poor weak people like himself. To go on trying was +possible even for him, although he knew he could not always promise +himself success. + +Patricius was anxious about Augustine's future. All his efforts had +not succeeded in saving the sum required for his first year at +Carthage. He had discovered that it would cost a good deal more than +he had at first supposed, and it was difficult to see where the money +was to come from. + +It was at this moment that Romanianus, a wealthy and honourable +citizen of Tagaste, who knew the poverty of his friend, came forward +generously and put his purse at Patricius's disposal. The sum +required was offered with such delicacy that it could not be +declined. Augustine was sure to bring glory on his native town, said +Romanianus; it was an honour to be allowed to help in his education. + +Monica was almost glad to see her son depart. The old boyish laziness +had given way to a real zeal for learning and thirst after knowledge. +The idle life at home was certainly the worst thing for him. Hard +work and the pursuit of wisdom might steady his wild nature and bring +him back to God. It was her only hope now, as with prayers and tears +she besought of Him to watch over her son. + +But Monica did not know Carthage. If it was second only to Rome for +its culture and its schools, it almost rivalled Rome in its +corruption. There all that was worst in the civilization of the East +and of the West met and mingled. The bloody combats between men and +beasts, the gladiatorial shows that delighted the Romans, were free +to all who chose to frequent the amphitheatre of Carthage. Such plays +as the Romans delighted in, impossible to describe, were acted in the +theatre. The horrible rites of the Eastern religions were practised +openly. + +There was neither discipline nor order in the schools. The wealthier +students gloried in their bad reputation. They were young men of +fashion who were capable of anything, and who were careful to let +others know it. They went by the name of "smashers" or "upsetters," +from their habit of raiding the schools of professors whose teaching +they did not approve, and breaking everything on which they could lay +hands. They treated new-comers with coarse brutality, but Augustine +seems in some manner to have escaped their enmity. Perhaps a certain +dignity in the young man's bearing, or perhaps his brilliant gifts, +won their respect, for he surpassed them all in intelligence, and +speedily outstripped them in class. + +Augustine was eager for knowledge and eager for enjoyment. He +frequented the theatre; his pleasure-loving nature snatched at +everything that life could give; yet he was not happy. "My God," he +cried in later years, "with what bitter gall didst Thou in Thy great +mercy sprinkle those pleasures of mine!" He could not forget; and at +Tagaste his mother was weeping and praying for her son. + +Patricius prayed with her; he understood at last. Every day the germs +of a noble nature that had lain so long dormant within him were +gaining strength and life. Every day his soul was opening more and +more to the understanding of spiritual things, while Monica watched +the transformation with a heart that overflowed with gratitude and +love. The sorrows of the past were all forgotten in the joy of the +present, that happy union at the feet of Christ. There was but one +cause for sadness--Patricius's health was failing. His mother had +already shown him the joys of a Christian deathbed. She had passed +away smiling, with their hands in hers, and the name of Jesus on her +lips. The beautiful prayers of the Church had gone down with the +departing soul to the threshold of the new life, and had followed it +into eternity. She seemed close to them still in the light of that +wonderful new Faith, and to be waiting for them in their everlasting +home. + +But Monica's happiness was to be short-lived, for it seemed that +Patricius would soon rejoin his mother. He did not deceive himself. +He spoke of his approaching death to Monica, and asked her to help +him to make a worthy preparation for Baptism, which he desired to +receive as soon as possible. With the simplicity and trustfulness of +a child, he looked to her for guidance, and did all that she desired. + +The ceremony over, he turned to his wife and smiled. A wonderful +peace possessed him. The old life, with all its stains, had passed +from him in those cleansing waters; the new life was at hand. Once +more he asked her to forgive him all the pain he had caused her, all +that he had made her suffer. No, she must not grieve, he told her; +the parting would be but for a little while, the meeting for all +eternity. She had been his angel, he said; he owed all his joy to +her. It was her love, her patience, that had done it all. She had +shown him the beauty of goodness and made him love it. He thanked her +for all that she had been to him, all that she had shown him, all +that she had done for him. Her tears fell on his face, her loving +arms supported him; her sweet voice, broken with weeping, spoke words +of hope and comfort. + +On the threshold of that other world Monica bade farewell to her +husband, and one more soul that she had won for Christ went out into +a glorious eternity. + + + +CHAPTER VI + +HOW ST. MONICA LIVED IN THE DAYS OF HER WIDOWHOOD, AND HOW SHE PUT +ALL HER TRUST IN GOD + +Patricius had not much in the way of worldly goods to leave to his +wife. She needed little, it is true, for herself, but there was +Augustine. Would it be possible for her, even if she practised the +strictest economy, to keep him at Carthage, where he was doing so +well? + +Romanianus divined her anxiety, and hastened to set it at rest. He +had a house in Carthage, he said; it should be Augustine's as long as +he required it. This would settle the question of lodging. For the +rest, continued Romanianus, as an old friend of Patricius he had the +right to befriend his son, and Monica must grant him the privilege of +acting a father's part to Augustine until he was fairly launched in +life. He had a child of his own, a young son called Licentius. If +Monica would befriend his boy, they would be quits. The gratitude of +both mother and son towards this generous friend and benefactor +lasted throughout their lives. Licentius was to feel its effects more +than once. + +"You it was, Romanianus," wrote Augustine in his Confessions, "who, +when I was a poor young student in Carthage, opened to me your house, +your purse, and still more your heart. You it was who, when I had the +sorrow to lose my father, comforted me by your friendship, helped me +with your advice, and assisted me with your fortune." + +Monica mourned her husband's death with true devotion; but hers was +not a selfish sorrow. She had love and sympathy for all who needed +them, and forgot her own grief in solacing that of others. There were +certain good works which the Church gave to Christian widows to +perform. The hospitals, for instance, were entirely in their hands. +They were small as yet, built according to the needs of the moment +from the funds of the faithful, and held but few patients. These +devoted women succeeded each other at intervals in their task of +washing and attending to the sick, watching by their beds and +cleaning their rooms. Their ministrations did not even cease there. +With reverent care they prepared the dead for burial, thinking the +while of the preparation of Christ's body for the tomb, and of Him +who said: "Inasmuch as ye do it to the least of My brethren ye do it +unto Me." + +It was a happy moment for Monica when her turn came to serve the +sick. She would kiss their sores for very pity as she washed and +dressed them, and their faces grew bright at her coming. They called +her "mother." It seemed such a natural name to give her, for she was +a mother to them all, and gave them a mother's love. To some of the +poor creatures, friendless slaves as they often were, who had known +little sympathy or tenderness in their hard lives, it was a +revelation of Christianity which taught them more than hours of +preaching could have done. + +But there was other work besides that at the hospital. There were the +poor to be helped, the hungry to be fed, the naked to be clothed. She +would gather the orphan children at her knee to teach them the truths +of their Faith. When they were very poor, she would keep them in her +own house, feed them at her own table, and clothe them with her own +hands. "If I am a mother to these motherless ones," she would say to +herself, "He will have mercy and give me back my boy; if I teach them +to know and love Him as a Father, He will watch over my son." + +It was a custom of the time on the feasts of saints and martyrs to +make a pilgrimage to their tombs, with a little basket of food and +wine. This was laid on the grave, after which the faithful would +partake of what they had brought, while they thought and spoke of the +noble lives of God's servants who had gone before. The custom was +abolished not long after on account of the abuses which had arisen, +but Monica observed it to the end. She scarcely tasted of her +offering herself, but gave it all away to the poor. Often, indeed, +she went cold and hungry that they might be clothed and fed. + +Her love of prayer, too, could now find full scope. Every morning +found her in her place in church for the Holy Sacrifice; every +evening she was there again, silent, absorbed in God. The place where +she knelt was often wet with her tears; the time passed by unheeded. +Patricius, her husband, was safe in God's hands; but Augustine, her +eldest-born, her darling, in what dark paths was he wandering? And +yet in her heart of hearts there was a deep conviction that no sad +news of his life at Carthage could shake. His was not the nature to +find contentment in the things of earth. He was born to something +higher. His noble heart, his strong intelligence, would bring him +back to God. + +And yet, and yet ... her heart sank as she thought of graces wasted, +of conscience trampled underfoot, of light rejected. No, there was no +hope anywhere but with God. In Him she would trust, and in Him alone. +He was infinite in mercy, and strong to save. He had promised that He +would never fail those who put their trust in Him. At His feet, and +at His feet alone, Monica poured out her tears and her sorrow. With +others she was serene and hopeful as of old, even joyous, always +ready to help and comfort. It was said of her after her death that no +one had such a gift of helping others as she. She never preached at +people--most people have an insurmountable dislike to being preached +at--but every word she said had a strange power of drawing souls to +God, of making them wish to be better. + +Augustine, meanwhile, at Carthage, was justifying all the hopes that +had been formed of him. He had even greater gifts, it seemed, than +eloquence, feeling, and wit. He was at the head of his class in +rhetoric. His master had spoken to him of a certain treatise of +Aristotle which he would soon be called upon to study. It was so +profound, he said, that few could understand it, even with the help +of the most learned professors. Augustine, eager to make acquaintance +with this wonderful work, procured it at once and read it. It seemed +to him perfectly simple; it was unnecessary, he found, to ask a +single explanation. + +It was the same with geometry, music, every science he took up. This +young genius of nineteen only discovered there were difficulties in +the way when he had to teach others, and realized how hard it was to +make them understand what was so exceedingly simple to himself. + +There was something strangely sympathetic and attractive about +Augustine. He seemed modest and reserved about his own gifts, +although he himself tells us in his _Confessions_ that he was full of +pride and ambition. He had a gift of making true and faithful +friends, a charm in conversation that drew his young companions and +even older men to his side. + +A more worldly mother than Monica would have been thoroughly proud of +her son. Faith and virtue were alone weak and faint in that soul that +could so ill do without them; but to her they were the one essential +thing; the rest did not matter. Yet Monica, with true insight, +believed that with noble minds knowledge must draw men to God; she +hoped much, therefore, that Augustine's brilliance of intellect would +save him in the end, and her hopes were not deceived. + +Already the noble philosophy of Cicero--pagan though he was--had +awakened a thirst for wisdom in the young student's soul; already he +felt the emptiness of earthly joys. "I longed, my God," he writes, +"to fly from the things of earth to Thee, and I knew not that it was +Thou that wast working in me . . . ." + +"One thing cooled my ardour," he goes on to say; "it was that the +Name of Christ was not there, and this Name, by Thy mercy, Lord, of +Thy Son, my Saviour, my heart had drawn in with my mother's milk, and +kept in its depths, and every doctrine where this Name did not +appear, fluent, elegant, and truth-like though it might be, could not +master me altogether." + +He then turned to the Holy Scriptures, but they appeared to him +inferior in style to Cicero. "My pride," he writes, "despised the +manner in which the things are said, and my intelligence could not +discover the hidden sense. They become great only for the humble, and +I disdained to humble myself, and, inflated with vainglory, I +believed myself great." + +It was at this moment that he came in contact with the Manicheans, +whose errors attracted him at once. This extraordinary heresy had +begun in the East, and had spread all over the civilized world. Its +followers formed a secret society, with signs and passwords, grades +and initiations. To impose on Christians they used Christian words +for doctrines that were thoroughly unchristian. + +Perhaps the most remarkable thing about them was their hatred of the +Church. Augustine, who remained amongst them for nine years, thus +describes them when writing to a friend: + +"Thou knowest, Honoratus, that for this reason alone did we fall into +the hands of these men--namely, that they professed to free us from +all errors, and bring us to God by pure reason alone, without that +terrible principle of authority. For what else induced me to abandon +the faith of my childhood and follow these men for almost nine years, +but their assertion that we were terrified by superstition into a +faith blindly imposed upon our reason, while they urged no one to +believe until the truth was fully discussed and proved? Who would not +be seduced by such promises, especially if he were a proud, +contentious young man, thirsting for truth, such as they then found +me?" + +That was what the Manicheans promised. What Augustine found amongst +them he also tells us. + +"They incessantly repeated to me, 'Truth, truth,' but there was no +truth in them. They taught what was false, not only about Thee, my +God, Who art the very Truth, but even about the elements of this +world, Thy creatures." + +So much for their doctrines; as for the teachers themselves, he found +them "carnal and loquacious, full of insane pride." + +The great charm of Manicheism to Augustine was that it taught that a +man was not responsible for his sins. This doctrine was convenient to +one who could not find the strength to break with his bad habits. + +"Such was my mind," he sums up later, looking back on this period of +his life, "so weighed down, so blinded by the flesh, that I was +myself unknown to myself." + + + +CHAPTER VII + +HOW ST. MONICA'S HEART WAS WELL NIGH BROKEN BY THE NEWS THAT HER SON +HAD ABJURED THE CHRISTIAN FAITH + +Ill news travels fast. Augustine had scarcely joined the Manicheans +before the tidings reached Monica. At first she could hardly believe +it. This was a blow for which she had not been prepared; it crushed +her to the earth. She would have grieved less over the news of her +son's death. + +And yet she bent her broken heart to God's will, and hoped on in Him +"Whose Mercy cannot fail." Augustine had renounced the Faith of his +childhood publicly, she heard later; he had been entered by the +Manicheans as an "auditor," the first degree of initiation in their +sect. And with all the zeal and ardour that he carried into +everything he did he was advocating this abominable heresy and +persuading his companions to follow his example. + +Her eyes grew dim with weeping for her son. He was dead indeed to +God--that God who was her All in All. The vacation was near, and +Augustine would then return to Tagaste. Perhaps she would find that +it was not so bad as she had thought. It might be only the whim of a +moment; she would wait and see. + +Alas! the hope was vain. Augustine had scarcely been a day at home +before he began obstinately to air his new opinions, determined that +she should listen. Then the Christian in Monica rose above the +mother; her horror of heresy was for the moment stronger than her +love for her son. Standing before him, outraged and indignant, she +told him plainly that if he spoke in such a way she could no longer +receive him at her table or in her house. + +Augustine was amazed; he had found out at last the limits of his +mother's endurance. With bent head he left the house and sought the +hospitality of Romanianus. No sooner had he gone than Monica's heart +melted, the mother-love surged up again. With bitter tears she cried +on God to help her; her grief seemed greater than she could bear. At +last the night came, and with it peace. As she slept, exhausted with +weeping, she had a dream which brought her a strange sense of hope +and comfort. + +It seemed to her that she was standing on a narrow rule or plank of +wood, her heart weighed down with sorrow as it had been all through +the day. Suddenly there came towards her a young man radiant and fair +of face. Smiling at her, he asked the cause of her tears. "I am +weeping," she answered, "for the loss of my son." "Grieve no more, +then," he replied, "for, look, your son is standing there beside +you." Monica turned her head. It was true; Augustine stood at her +side on the plank of wood. "Be of good cheer," continued the +stranger, "for where you are there shall he be also." Then Monica +awoke; the words were ringing in her ears; it seemed to her that God +had spoken. In the morning she went straight to Augustine and told +him of her dream. "Perhaps," suggested her son, anxious to turn it to +his own advantage, "it means that you will come to see things as I +do." "No," said Monica firmly, "for he did not say, 'Where _he_ is +_you_ shall be,' but, 'Where _you_ are there _he_ shall be.'" +Augustine was even more struck by the earnestness of his mother's +answer than by the dream itself, though he pretended to make light of +both. + +Not long after Monica went to see a certain holy Bishop, that she +might beg him to use his influence with Augustine to bring him back +to the truth. The wise old man listened attentively to her story. +"Let him alone for the present, but pray much," was his advice, "for +as yet he is obstinate and puffed up with these new ideas. If what +you tell me of your son is true, he will read for himself, and will +find out his error." Then, seeing the anguish of the poor mother, he +told her that he himself in his youth had been led away by the +Manicheans, and had even been employed in transcribing their works. +It was that which had saved him; for, as he wrote, the truth became +clear to him; he had seen how much their doctrines were to be +avoided. Then, as Monica wept for disappointment--for she had counted +greatly on his help--a sudden pity seized him. "Go thy ways, and God +bless thee," he cried. "It is impossible that a son of such tears +should perish." + +Monica's dream and the words of the Bishop were like rays of light in +the darkness. She drew fresh hope from them and redoubled her prayers. + +The vacation drew to an end, and Augustine returned to Carthage, but +not for long. He was now twenty years old. His friend and patron, +Romanianus, was very anxious that he should open a school in Tagaste +while waiting for something better, and this he resolved to do. A +little circle of pupils soon gathered round him, who were later to +follow their young master in all his wanderings. Amongst these was +Alypius, an old schoolfellow and a devoted friend; the sons of +Romanianus; and another friend of Augustine's childhood whose name we +do not know, but who was dearer to him than all the rest. They were +of the same age, had studied together, had the same tastes, and the +same ambitions. + +Influenced by Augustine, still warm in the praise of the Manicheans, +he, as well as the rest, had abjured the Catholic faith to join their +heresy. + +Augustine had been about a year at Tagaste when this friend was taken +suddenly ill. He lay unconscious in a burning fever; there seemed to +be no hope of recovery. He had been a catechumen before he had joined +the Manicheans. His parents, who were Christians, having begged that +he might be baptized before he died, the life-giving waters were +poured on him as he lay between life and death. Augustine made no +protest, so sure was he that what he himself had taught him before he +was taken ill would have more influence than a rite administered +without his knowledge or consent. To everybody's surprise the young +man recovered his senses and began to mend. + +Augustine then laughingly told him what they had been doing, and went +on to make fun of the whole proceeding, never doubting but that the +sick man would enjoy the joke as much as he did. To his great +surprise his friend turned from him in horror. + +"Never speak to me in such a way again if you wish to keep my +affection," he said. + +"We will talk this matter out when you are stronger," thought +Augustine. But a few days later the invalid had a relapse, and died +with the white robe of his Baptism still unstained. + +Augustine was inconsolable. Everything in Tagaste reminded him of the +dear companion of his boyhood. "My own country became a punishment to +me," he writes, "and my father's house a misery, and all places or +things in which I had communicated with him were turned into a bitter +torment to me, being now without him. My eyes sought him everywhere, +and I hated all things because they had him not." The thought of +death was full of horror to him, and he gave way to a deep +depression. His health, never very robust, began to suffer. + +Romanianus, much as he wished to keep him at Tagaste, realized that a +change of scene would be the best thing for him, and agreed to his +proposal to return to Carthage and open a school of rhetoric. Alypius +and his other disciples followed him, and in the rush of the great +city Augustine regained, to some extent, his peace of mind. While +teaching, he continued his own studies, and competed for the public +prizes. Many men of note joined his school, and his name began to be +famous. + +He greatly desired honour, he tells us, but only if honourably won. +One day a certain magician paid him a visit. He had heard, he said, +that Augustine was about to compete for one of the State prizes in +rhetoric. What would he be ready to give if he could insure him the +victory? It was only necessary to offer some living creatures in +sacrifice to the demons whom he worshipped and success would be +certain. Augustine turned from him in horror and disgust. He had not +yet fallen so low as this. + +"I would not sacrifice a fly," he retorted hotly, "to win a crown of +gold!" + +The magician retired in haste, and Augustine, who succeeded in +carrying off the prize without the help of the demons, was publicly +crowned by the Pro-Consul Vindicius, who from thenceforth joined the +circle of his friends. + +The news of his success reached Monica. Her mother's heart rejoiced +in his triumph, but her joy was tempered with sorrow. Carthage had +taken more from her son than it could ever give him, and her thoughts +were of other victories and other crowns. During his stay in Tagaste, +although Augustine had not lived under the same roof with his mother, +he had been continually with her. Her tender affection had been his +greatest comfort in the deep sorrow after his friend's death. He +spoke no more to her of religion, and she, mindful of the old +Bishop's words, was also silent. + +"While I was struggling in the mire and in the darkness of error," +writes Augustine, "that holy, chaste, devout, and sober widow (such +as Thou lovest) ceased not in all the hours of her prayers to bewail +me in Thy sight. And her prayers were admitted into Thy Presence, and +yet Thou sufferedst me to go on still, and to be involved in that +darkness." + +The darkness was indeed great, but the fires were still smouldering +beneath the ashes. Love, honour, and success were all his, and yet he +was not content. There was something in his soul that none of these +things could satisfy. "After Thee, O Truth," he cries, "I hungered +and thirsted!" His heart still ached for the loss of his friend, he +turned everywhere for comfort and found none. He sought forgetfulness +in study. He wrote two books on the "Beautiful" and the "Apt," and +dedicated them to Hierus, a famous Roman orator. "It seemed to me a +great thing," he tells us, "that my style and my studies should be +known to such a man." + +Monica drew fresh hope from her son's writings. They were full of +noble thoughts and high aspirations. Such a mind could not remain in +error. Some day, surely, in God's good time, he would come to know +the truth. + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +HOW AUGUSTINE PLANNED TO GO TO ROME, AND HOW HE CRUELLY DECEIVED HIS +MOTHER + +It was about this time that Augustine's enthusiasm for the Manicheans +began to cool. He had been studying their doctrines, and had found +that they were not quite what he thought. He was disappointed with +their professors too. + +The first unpleasant truth that dawned upon him was that they were +much better at denying the doctrines of the Catholic Church than at +explaining their own. It was almost impossible to find out what they +believed, so vague did they become when closely questioned. And +Augustine questioned very closely indeed. He was on the track of +truth, and it was not easy to put him off with hazy general +statements. He was still only an "auditor," and before he took any +further step he wanted to be certain of his ground. The men whom he +consulted did not seem very certain of their own, he remarked, but +they bade him have patience. One of their bishops, Faustus by name, +was soon coming to Carthage. He was one of their most brilliant +preachers, and would be able to answer all Augustine's questions. + +This sounded promising, and Augustine awaited his coming impatiently. +He certainly was an eloquent speaker; his sermons were charming. But +when Augustine went to him privately and explained his doubts to him, +the result was not what he had hoped for. He gave the same vague +answers that Augustine had so often heard already. Pressed closer, he +frankly replied that he was not learned enough to be able to satisfy +him. Augustine was pleased with his honesty, and they became good +friends. But the seeker was no nearer the truth than before. + +Yet if Faustus could not answer him, which of the Manicheans could? +He began to lose faith in them. + +What did the Catholic Church teach on these points? he asked. This +was a question which they could all answer, and did--with great +eagerness and little truth. + +It might have occurred to a less intelligent man than Augustine that +the enemies of the Church were not the people to answer such a +question fairly or truthfully: but he accepted their facts, and +decided that truth was not to be found there either. Was there such a +thing at all? was the final question he asked himself. The old +philosophers, heathens as they were, seemed to get nearer to the +heart of things than this. + +Yet now and again, out of the very sickness of his soul, a prayer +would break out to that Christ Whom he had known and loved in his +boyhood, but Who had grown so dim to him since the Manicheans had +taught him that His Sacred Humanity was nothing but a shadow. He was +weary of life, weary even of pleasure, weary of everything, weary +most of all of Carthage. + +Owing to the wild ways of the students it was impossible to keep +anything like order in the schools. Classes were constantly +interrupted by gangs of "smashers," who might break in at any moment, +setting the whole place in an uproar. + +Augustine's friends pressed him to go to Rome. There, they urged, he +would meet with the honour that he deserved. There the students were +quieter and better-mannered; no rioting was allowed; scholars might +enter no school but that of their own master. This sounded hopeful; +Augustine was rather pleased with the idea. He wrote to Monica and to +his patron Romanianus to tell them of the step he proposed to take. + +Monica's heart sank when she read the letter. To the Christians of +the fourth century Rome was another Babylon. She had poured out the +blood of the saints like water; she was the home of every +abomination. What would become of Augustine in Rome? Without faith, +without ideals, a disabled ship, drifting with every wind. + +He must not go, she decided, or if he did she would go with him. She +prayed that she might be able to make him give up the project, and +wrote strongly against it; but Augustine had already made up his +mind. Then, in despair, she set out for Carthage to make one last +effort. + +Her son was touched by her grief and her entreaties, but his plans +were made: he was to start that very night. "I lied to my mother," he +says, "and such a mother!" He assured her that he was not going, that +she might set her mind at rest. A friend of his was leaving Carthage, +and he had promised to go down to the harbour to see him off. + +Some instinct warned Monica that he was deceiving her. "I will go +with you," she said. This was very awkward for her son; he was at his +wit's end to know what to do. They went down to the harbour together, +where they found Augustine's friend. No ship could put out that +night, the sailors said, the wind was dead against them. The young +men were unwilling to leave the harbour in case the wind should +change and they should miss the boat, while Monica was determined not +to leave Augustine. + +They walked up and down together on the seashore in the cool evening +air. The hours passed, and the situation became more and more +difficult for Augustine. What was he to do? Monica was weary and worn +out with grief. An idea suggested itself to him suddenly. It was no +use waiting any longer, he said, it would be better to take some +rest; the boat would certainly not start that night. + +Monica was in no mood to rest; but Augustine knew her love of prayer. +There was a little chapel on the seashore, dedicated to St. Cyprian. +Would she not at least go there and take shelter until the morning? +He promised her again that he would not leave Carthage, and she at +last consented, for her soul was full of sorrow. + +Kneeling there in the stillness of the little chapel, she poured out +the troubles of her heart to God, beseeching Him that He would not +let Augustine leave her. The answer seemed a strange one. As she +prayed the wind suddenly changed; the sailors prepared to depart. +Augustine and his friend went on board, and the ship set sail for +Rome. + +The last thing they saw as the shore faded away in the dim grey of +the morning was the little chapel of St. Cyprian lying like a speck +in the distance, But they did not see a lonely figure that stood on +the sand and stretched out piteous hands to Heaven, wailing for the +son whom she had lost a second time. + +It was God alone Who knew all the bitterness of that mother's heart. +It was God alone Who knew how, after the first uncontrollable +outburst of grief, she bent herself in faith and love to endure the +heartbreak--silent and uncomplaining. And it was only God Who knew +that the parting that seemed so cruel was to lead to the granting of +her life-long prayer, to be the first stage in her son's conversion. + +"She turned herself to Thee to pray for me," says Augustine, "and +went about her accustomed affairs, and I arrived at Rome." + +It seemed, indeed, as if his arrival in Rome was destined to be the +end of his earthly career, for soon afterwards he was attacked by a +violent fever and lay at death's door. He was lodging in the house of +a Manichean, for, although he no longer held with their doctrines, he +had many friends among them in Carthage who had recommended him to +some of their sect in Rome. + +Augustine himself was convinced that he owed his life at this time to +his mother's prayers. God would not, for her sake, let him be cut off +thus in all his sins, unbaptized and unrepentant, lest that mother's +heart should be broken and her prayers unanswered. He recovered, and +began to teach. + +Already while he was in Carthage he had suspected that the lives of +the Manicheans were not much better than those of the heathens among +whom they lived, although they gave out that their creed was the only +one likely to reform human nature. In Rome his suspicions were +confirmed. Thinking that Augustine was altogether one of themselves, +they threw off the mask and showed themselves in their true colours. + +The pagans at least were honest. They professed openly that they +lived for nothing but enjoyment, and in this great city, even more +than in Carthage, one could learn how low a man might fall; but at +least they were not hypocrites. He resolved to cut himself adrift +from the Manicheans altogether. + +There was a Christian Rome within the pagan Rome, but of this +Augustine knew nothing. On the Throne of the Fisherman sat St. +Damasus, wise and holy. His secretary, St. Jerome, was already +famous, no less for his eloquence than for the greatness of his +character. Jerome, like Augustine, had been carried away in his youth +by the downward tide, but had retrieved himself by a glorious +penance. The descendants of the oldest Roman families were to be +found in the hospitals tending the sick or working amongst the poor +in the great city. The first monasteries were growing up, little +centres of faith and prayer in the desert. They were peopled by men +and women who had counted the world well lost for Christ, or by those +who to save their souls had fled, as the great St. Benedict was to do +later, from the corruptions that had dragged down so many into the +abyss. + +Augustine had been greatly attracted shortly before leaving Carthage +by the preaching of Helpidius, a Catholic priest. The idea came to +him while in Rome to go to the Catholics and find out what they +really taught. But he dismissed it. The Manicheans had already told +him, he reflected, that no intelligent man could accept their +doctrines. Besides, they were too strict; their ideals were too high; +he would have to give up too much. + +One more honest impulse was stifled. He entered a school of +philosophers who professed to believe in nothing. It was, he decided, +the wisest philosophy he knew. + + + +CHAPTER IX + +HOW AUGUSTINE CAME TO MILAN, AND HOW HIS TEMPEST-TOSSED SOUL FOUND +LIGHT AND PEACE AT LAST + +Augustine had not been a year in Rome before he discovered that the +ways of the Roman students were not quite so delightful as he had +been led to believe. They were less insolent, it is true, than those +of Carthage, and not so rough; but they had other defects which were +quite as trying. They would, for instance, attend the classes of a +certain professor until the time arrived to pay their fees, when, +deserting in a body to another school, they would proceed to play the +same trick there. It was certainly one way of getting an education +for nothing, but it was hard on the teachers. It seemed scarcely the +profession in which one would be likely to make a fortune, even if it +were possible to earn one's daily bread. Augustine was discouraged +and sick at heart; everything seemed to be against him; there was no +hope, no light anywhere. His life seemed doomed to be a failure, in +spite of all his gifts. + +And then, quite suddenly, came the opening that he had longed for. +Symmachus, the Prefect of Rome, received a letter from Milan, +requesting him to name a professor of rhetoric for the vacant chair +in that city. A competition was announced in which Symmachus, himself +a well-known orator, was to be the judge. Augustine entered and won +the prize. It was an excellent and honourable position. The professor +was supported by the State. The Emperor Valentinian held his Court in +the city, which gave it a certain position. + +Augustine was furnished with letters of introduction to Ambrose, the +Bishop, who had been brilliantly successful at the Bar in his youth, +and was probably an old friend of Symmachus. He was of a noble Roman +family, and famous alike for his great learning and peculiar charm of +manner. He was famous also for his holiness of life, but this was of +less interest to Augustine; it was Ambrose the orator with whom he +desired to make acquaintance. + +No sooner had he arrived in Milan than he presented himself before +the Bishop, who received him with a cordial courtesy that attracted +Augustine at once. The only way to judge of his eloquence was to +attend the sermons at the cathedral. This Augustine began to do +regularly. He found that Ambrose had not been overpraised. He +listened to him at first with the pleasure it always gave him to hear +an eloquent speaker; then, gradually, with a shock of surprise, he +began to attend to what the Bishop said, as well as to his manner of +saying it. + +Ambrose was explaining the doctrines of the Church. He spoke very +clearly and simply, to the intelligence no less than to the heart, +for there were many catechumens in his congregation, as well as +pagans who were seeking for the truth. + +The Manicheans had deceived him, then, thought Augustine; they had +lied about the Church's teaching; or they themselves had been +ignorant of it, and he had let himself be deceived. This was +altogether unlike what they had told him. It was noble and sublime; +all that was great and good in him responded. Had he found the Truth +at last? + +In the meantime Monica, determined to rejoin her son, arrived in +Milan. The journey had been long and dangerous; they had been +assailed by terrible storms; even the sailors had lost courage. It +was she who had comforted them in their fear. "The storm will soon be +over," she assured them; "I know that we shall reach our journey's +end in safety." She had a strong conviction that she would not die +until her prayers had won Augustine back to God. The sailors took +heart again at her words; her calm eyes strengthened them; they felt +that this gentle woman knew things that were hidden from them. + +Monica's first visit was to St. Ambrose. The two noble natures +understood each other at once. "Thank God for having given you such a +mother," said the Bishop to Augustine, when he met him a few days +later; "she is one in a thousand." + +Much had happened since mother and son had parted, and much had to be +told. The first thing that Monica heard was that Augustine had left +the Manicheans. At this she rejoiced greatly; she was convinced, she +told him, that she would see him a Catholic before she died. "Thus +she spoke to me," says Augustine, "but to Thee, O Fountain of Mercy, +she redoubled her prayers and her tears, beseeching Thee to hasten +Thine aid and dispel my darkness." They went together now to the +sermons and sat side by side in the Church as in the days of +Augustine's childhood. One by one he laid aside the false ideas of +the truth that had been given to him by the Manicheans. It was +growing clearer to him every day. True, there was much that was above +his understanding--above the understanding of any human being, as +Ambrose frankly acknowledged--but not above their faith. The +Manicheans had sneered at faith as childish and credulous; and yet, +thought Augustine, how many things he believed that he could have no +possibility of proving. He believed, for instance, that Hannibal had +crossed the Alps, although he had not been present at the time. He +believed that Athens existed, although he had never been there. + +As of old, a little group of friends had gathered round him at Milan. +There was Alypius, the most beloved of all his associates, who had +taken the place of the dear dead friend of his boyhood. There was +Romanianus, who was there on State business, and Licentius, his son, +with Trigetius, both pupils of Augustine's; Nebridius, who had been +with him in Carthage, and was, like himself, a native of Roman +Africa; and several new friends he had made in Milan. It was agreed +amongst them that they should set apart a certain time every day to +seek for the truth, reading and discussing among themselves. The +Scriptures were to form part of the reading. + +"Great hope has dawned," wrote Augustine; "the Catholic Faith teaches +not what we thought and vainly accused it of. Life is vain, death +uncertain; if it steals upon us of a sudden, in what state shall we +depart hence? And where shall we learn what here we have neglected? +Let us not delay to seek after God and the blessed life." + +There was in Milan a holy old priest called Simplicianus, greatly +beloved by St. Ambrose, for he had been his teacher and guide in +early life. To him Augustine resolved to go; he might be able to help +him. He told Simplicianus, amongst other things, that he had been +reading a book of philosophy translated by a Roman called Victorinus. +The book was good, said Simplicianus, but the story of Victorinus' +own life was better. He had known him well in Rome. Augustine was +interested; he would like to hear the story, he said. + +Victorinus, said the old man, was a pagan and a worshipper of the +heathen gods. He was a famous orator, and taught rhetoric to some of +the noblest citizens of Rome. He was learned in every science, and +was so celebrated for his virtue that a statue had been erected to +him in the forum. In his old age, after earnest study, he became a +Christian, but remained a long time a catechumen through fears of +what his friends would say. At last taking courage, he prepared +himself for Baptism, and, to punish himself for his human respect, +insisted on reading his profession of faith aloud before the whole +congregation, instead of making it, as was usual, in private. + +This courageous action of an old man made Augustine feel his own +cowardice. He believed now that the Catholic Church was the true +Church, and yet he could not face the thought of Baptism. He would +have to give up so much. The Christian standard was high for a man +who had spent his life in self-indulgence. He could never attain to +it. He took leave of Simplicianus sadly; the help which he needed was +not to be found there. + +"I went about my usual business," he says, "while my anxiety +increased as I daily sighed to Thee." He frequented the Church now +even when there were no sermons, for he began to feel the need of +prayer. + +One day when Alypius and he were alone together there came in a +friend of theirs, Pontitianus, a devout Christian, who held a post at +the Emperor's Court. Finding the Epistles of St. Paul upon the table, +he smiled at Augustine, saying that he was glad that he was reading +them, for they were full of teaching. He began to tell them about St. +Anthony, and of the many hermitages and monasteries in Egypt, and +even here in his own country. He spoke to them of the monastic life +and its virtues, and, seeing their interest and astonishment, went on +to tell them an incident that had happened a short time before. + +Two young men of the Imperial Court, friends of his own, walking +together in the country, came to a cottage inhabited by some holy +recluses. A life of St. Anthony lay on the table. One of them took it +up and began to read. His first feeling was one of astonishment, his +second of admiration. "How uncertain life is!" he said suddenly to +his companion. "We are in the Emperor's service. I wish we were in +God's; I had rather be His friend than the Emperor's." He read on, +with sighs and groans. At last he shut the book and arose. "My mind +is made up," he said; "I shall enter God's service here and now. If +you will not do so too, at least do not try to hinder me." "You have +chosen well," said the other; "I am with you in this." They never +left the hermitage. + +This story only increased Augustine's misery. He had had more graces +than these young men, and had wasted them; he was a coward. When +Pontitianus had gone away, he left Alypius and went out into the +garden. Alypius followed and sat down beside him. + +"What are we about!" cried Augustine hotly. "The unlearned take +heaven by force, and we, with all our heartless learning, wallow in +the mire!" He sank his face in his hands and groaned. The way lay +clear before him; he had found the Eternal Truth for which he had +been seeking so long, and he had not the courage to go further. + +This and that he would have to do; this and that he would have to +give up--he could not: it was too hard. + +And yet--to stand with both feet on the rock of truth, was it not +worth all this and more? + +So the battle raged. Good and evil struggled together in his soul. + +It seemed to him then that he saw a long procession winding across +the garden. It passed him and faded in the distance. First came boys +and girls, young and weak, scarcely more than children, and they +mocked him gently. "We have fought and conquered," they said, "even +we." After them came a great multitude of men and women in the prime +of life, some strong and vigorous, some feeble and sickly. It seemed +to Augustine as if they looked at him with eyes full of contempt. "We +have lived purely," they said, "we have striven and conquered." They +were followed by old men and women, worn with age and suffering. They +looked at him reproachfully. "We have fought and conquered," they +said, "we have endured unto the end." + +Augustine's self-control was leaving him; even Alypius' presence was +more than he could bear. He leapt to his feet, went to the other end +of the garden, and, throwing himself down on the ground, wept as if +his heart would break. His soul, tossed this way and that in its +anguish, cried desperately to God for help. + +Suddenly on the stillness of the summer afternoon there broke the +sound of a child's voice, sweet, insistent. "Tolle, lege," it sang; +"tolle, lege" ("Take and read"). + +Augustine stood up. There was no one there; no human being was in +sight. "Tolle, lege; tolle, lege," rang the sweet voice again and +again in his ear, now on this side, now on that. Was this the answer +to his prayer? + +He remembered how St. Anthony had opened the sacred Scriptures on a +like occasion, and had found the help that he required. Going back to +Alypius, he took up the sacred volume and opened it. "Put ye on the +Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh and the +concupiscence thereof," he read. + +Light, strength, and conviction flowed into his soul. With God's help +all things were possible; he would give up all and follow Him. Then, +having carefully marked the place, he sat down beside Alypius and +told him of his resolution. + +"What about me?" asked Alypius, "Perhaps there is something there for +me too. Let me see." He took the book from Augustine, opened at the +place he had marked, and read: "He that is weak in the faith take +unto you." "That will do very well for me," he said. + +Augustine's first thought was for Monica. He must go to her, and at +once. They sat together hand in hand until the sun sank in a +rose-coloured glory and the cool shadows of the evening fell like a +blessing on the earth. There are some joys too deep for speech, too +holy to be touched by mortal hands. + + + +CHAPTER X + +HOW ST. MONICA LIVED AT CASSIACUM WITH AUGUSTINE AND HIS FRIENDS, AND +HOW AUGUSTINE WAS BAPTIZED BY ST. AMBROSE + +Amongst the saints there are two great penitents, St. Mary Magdalene +and St. Augustine, who in the first moment of their conversion shook +themselves wholly free from the trammels of the past and never looked +back again. + +"Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder," cries St. Augustine, "to Thee +will I offer the sacrifice of praise." Honours, wealth, pleasure, all +the things he had desired so passionately, were now as nothing to +him. "For Thou didst expel them from me," he says, "and didst come in +Thyself instead of them. And I sang to Thee, my Lord God, my true +honour, my riches, and my salvation." + +The vacation was close at hand. Augustine resolved to give up his +professorship and to go away quietly to prepare himself for Baptism. +Verecundus, one of the little group of faithful friends who +surrounded him, had a country house in Cassiacum, which he offered +for his use while he remained in Italy. It was a happy party that +gathered within its walls. There were Augustine and his younger +brother Navigius; the faithful Alypius, who was to receive Baptism +with his friend; Licentius and Trigetius, Augustine's two pupils; and +several others. Lastly there was Monica, who was a mother to them +all, and whose sunny presence did much to enliven the household. It +was autumn, an Italian mid-September. The country was a glory of +green and gold and crimson, the Apennines lying like purple shadows +in the distance. + +Here, in the seclusion that was so dear to his heart, Augustine read +the Psalms for the first time. His soul was on fire with their +beauty; every word carried him to God. Monica read with him, and he +tells us that he would often turn to her for an explanation. "For," +he continues, "she was walking steadily in the path in which I was as +yet feeling my way." + +There were other studies besides to be carried on, and St. Augustine +tells us of some of the interesting discussions that were held on the +lawn, or in the hall of the baths, which they used when the weather +was not fine enough to go out. + +One morning, when he and his pupils were talking of the wonderful +harmony and order that exist in nature, the door opened and Monica +looked in. + +"How are you getting on?" she asked, for she knew what they were +discussing. Augustine invited her to join them, but Monica smiled. "I +have never heard of a woman amongst the philosophers," she said. + +"That is a mistake," replied Augustine. "There were women +philosophers amongst the ancients, and you know, my dear mother, that +I like your philosophy very much. Philosophy means nothing else but +love of wisdom. Now you love wisdom more even than you love me, and I +know how much that is. Why, you are so far advanced in wisdom that +you fear no ill-fortune, not even death itself. Everybody says that +this is the very height of philosophy. I will therefore sit at your +feet as your disciple." + +Monica, still smiling, told her son that he had never told so many +lies in his life. In spite of her protests, however, they would not +let her go, and she was enrolled amongst the philosophers. The +discussions, says St. Augustine, owed a good deal of their beauty to +her presence. + +The 15th of November was Augustine's birthday. After dinner he +invited his friends to come to the hall of the baths, that their +souls might be fed also. + +"For I suppose you all admit," he said, when they had settled +themselves for conversation, "that we are made up of soul and body." +To this everybody agreed but Navigius, who was inclined to argue, and +who said he did not know. + +"Do you mean," asked Augustine, "that there is nothing at all that +you do know, or that of the few things you do not know this is one?" + +Navigius was a little put out at this question, but they pacified +him, and at last persuaded him to say that he was as certain of the +fact that he was made up of body and soul as anybody could be. They +then agreed that food was taken for the sake of the body. + +"Must not the soul have its food too?" asked Augustine. "And what is +that food? Is it not knowledge?" + +Monica agreed to this, but Trigetius objected. + +"Why, you yourself," said Monica, "are a living proof of it. Did you +not tell us at dinner that you did not know what you were eating +because you were lost in thought? Yet your teeth were working all the +time. Where was your soul at that moment if not feeding too?" + +Then Augustine, reminding them that it was his birthday, said that as +he had already given them a little feast for the body, he would now +give them one for the soul. + +Were they hungry? he asked. + +There was an eager chorus of assent. + +"Can a man be happy," he said, "if he has not what he wants, and is +he happy if he has it?" + +Monica was the first to answer this question. "If he wants what is +good and has it," she replied, "he is happy. But if he wants what is +bad, he is not happy even if he has it." + +"Well said, mother!" cried Augustine. "You have reached the heights +of philosophy at a single bound." + +Someone then said that if a man were needy he could not be happy. +Finally they all agreed that only he who possessed God could be +wholly happy. But the discussion had gone on for a long time, and +Augustine suggested that the soul might have too much nourishment as +well as the body, and that it would be better to put off the rest +until to-morrow. + +The discussion was continued next day. + +"Since only he who possesses God can be happy, who is he who +possesses God?" asked Augustine, and they were all invited to give +their opinion. + +"He that leads a good life," answered one. "He who does God's will," +said another. "He who is pure of heart," said a third. Navigius would +not say anything, but agreed with the last speaker. Monica approved +of them all. + +St. Augustine continued: "It is God's will that all should seek Him?" + +"Of course," they all replied. + +"Can he who seeks God be leading a bad life?" + +"Certainly not," they said. + +"Can a man who is not pure in heart seek God?" + +"No," they agreed. + +"Then," said Augustine, "what have we here? A man who leads a good +life, does God's will, and is pure of heart, is seeking God. But he +does not yet possess Him. Therefore we cannot uphold that they who +lead good lives, do God's will, and are pure of heart, possess God." + +They all laughed at the trap in which he had caught them. But Monica, +saying that she was slow to grasp these things, asked to have the +argument repeated. Then she thought a moment. + +"No one can possess God without seeking Him," she said. + +"True," said Augustine, "but while he is seeking he does not yet +possess." + +"I think there is no one who does not have God," she said. "But those +who live well have Him for their friend, and those who live badly +make themselves His enemies. Let us change the statement, 'He who +possesses God is happy' to 'He who has God for his friend is happy.'" + +All agreed to this but Navigius. + +"No," he said, "for this reason. If he is happy who has God for his +friend (and God is the friend of those who seek Him, and those who +seek Him do not possess Him, for to this all have agreed), then it is +obvious that those who are seeking God have not what they want. And +we all agreed yesterday that a man cannot be happy unless he has what +he wants." + +Monica could not see her way out of this difficulty, although she was +sure there was one. "I yield," she said, "for logic is against me." + +"Well," said Augustine, "we have reached the conclusion that he who +has found God has Him for his friend and is happy; but he who is +still seeking God has Him for his friend but is not yet happy. He, +however, who has separated himself from God by sin has neither God +for his friend nor is he happy." + +This satisfied everybody. + +The other side of the question was then considered. + +"In what did unhappiness consist?" asked Augustine. + +Monica maintained that neediness and unhappiness must go together. +"For he who has not what he wants," she said, "is both needy and +unhappy." + +Augustine then supposed a man who had everything he wanted in this +world. Could it be said that he was needy? Yet was it certain that he +was happy? + +Licentius suggested that there would remain with him the fear of +losing what he had. + +"That fear," replied Augustine, "would make him unhappy but would not +make him needy. Therefore we could have a man who is unhappy without +being needy." + +To this everyone agreed but Monica, who still argued that unhappiness +could not be separated from neediness. + +"This supposed man of yours," she said, "rich and fortunate, still +fears to lose his good fortune. That shows that he wants wisdom. Can +we call a man who wants money needy, and not call him so when he +wants wisdom?" + +At this remark there was a general outcry of admiration. It was the +very argument, said Augustine, that he had meant to use himself. + +"Nothing," said Licentius, "could have been more truly and divinely +said. What, indeed, is more wretched than to lack wisdom? And the +wise man can never be needy, whatever else he lacks." + +Augustine then went on to define wisdom. "The wisdom that makes us +happy," he said, "is the wisdom of God, and the wisdom of God is the +Son of God. Perfect life is the only happy life," he continued, "and +to this, by means of firm faith, cheerful hope, and burning love we +shall surely be brought if we but hasten towards it." + +So the discussion ended, and all were content. + +"Oh," cried Trigetius, "how I wish you would provide us with a feast +like this every day!" + +"Moderation in all things," answered Augustine. "If this has been a +pleasure to you, it is God alone that you must thank." + +So the happy innocent days flew past in the pursuit of that wisdom +which is eternal. "Too late have I loved Thee, O Beauty ever ancient, +ever new!" cried Augustine. "Behold Thou wast within me, and I was +abroad, and there I sought Thee. I have tasted Thee, and I am hungry +after Thee. Thou hast touched me, and I am all on fire." + +At the beginning of Lent Augustine and Alypius returned to Milan to +attend the course of instructions which St. Ambrose was to give to +those who were preparing for Baptism. + +In the night between Holy Saturday and Easter Sunday the stains of +the past were washed away for ever in those cleansing waters, and at +the Mass of the daybreak on that blessed morning Augustine knelt at +the altar to receive his Lord. Monica was beside him; her tears and +her prayers had been answered. She and her son were one again in +heart and soul. + + + +CHAPTER XI + +HOW ST. MONICA SET OUT FOR AFRICA WITH ST. AUGUSTINE, AND HOW SHE +DIED AT OSTIA ON THE TIBER + +In the old days at Milan, before his conversion, Augustine had often +told his friends that the dream of his life was to live quietly +somewhere with a few friends, who would devote themselves to the +search for truth. It had even been proposed to try the scheme, but it +would not work. Some of his friends were married; others had worldly +ties that they could not break. The idea had to be given up. + +Now he had found the Truth, and at Cassiacum his dream had been in a +manner realized. Why should they not continue to live like that, he +asked Alypius, at all events until they were ready for the work to +which God had called them? And where should they live this life but +in their own country, which was to be the future field of their +labours? + +Alypius asked nothing better. Their friend Evodius, like themselves a +citizen of Tagaste, who had been baptized a short time before, was +ready to join them. He held a high position at the Court of the +Emperor, but it seemed to him a nobler thing to serve the King of +kings. So these three future bishops of the Church in Africa made +their plans together. Monica would be the mother of the little +household, as she had been at Cassiacum; she was ready to go wherever +they wished. + +A few days before they started an event occurred which they all +remembered later. It was the feast of St. Cyprian, and Monica had +returned from Mass absorbed in God, as she always was after Holy +Communion. Perhaps she had been thinking of her night of anguish in +the little chapel by the seashore at Carthage three years before, +when God had seemed deaf to her prayers, in order that He might grant +her the fulness of her heart's desire. + +Suddenly she turned to them with shining eyes. + +"Let us hasten to heaven!" she cried. + +They gently questioned her as to what she meant, but she did not seem +to hear them. "My soul and my flesh have rejoiced in the living God," +she said, and they marvelled at the heavenly beauty of her face. + +It was a long journey from Milan to Ostia on the Tiber, where they +were to set sail for Africa. They remained there for some weeks, for +the ship was not to start at once. + +One evening Augustine and Monica were sitting together at a window +that overlooked the garden and the sea. They were talking of heaven, +St. Augustine tells us, asking each other what that eternal life of +the saints must be which eye hath not seen nor ear heard. How small +in comparison were the things of earth, they said, even the most +beautiful of God's creations; for all these things were less than He +who made them. As their two souls stretched out together towards the +infinite Love and Wisdom, it seemed to them that for one moment, with +one beat of the heart, they touched It, and the joy of that moment +was a foreshadowing of eternity. + +They sighed as it faded from them, and they were forced to return +again to the things of earth. + +"Son," said Monica, "there is nothing in this world now that gives me +any delight. What have I to do here any longer? I know not, for all I +desired is granted. There was only one thing for which I wished to +live, and that was to see you a Christian and a Catholic before I +died. And God has given me even more than I asked, for He has made +you one of His servants, and you now desire no earthly happiness. +What am I doing here?" + +About five days afterwards she fell ill of a fever. They thought she +was tired with the long journey, and would soon be better; but she +grew worse, and was soon unconscious. When she opened her eyes, +Augustine and Navigius were watching by her bed. + +"You will bury your mother here," she said. Augustine could not trust +himself to speak; but Navigius, who knew how great had been her +desire to be buried at Tagaste beside her husband, protested. "Oh, +why are we not at home," he cried, "where you would wish to be!" +Monica looked at him reproachfully. "Do you hear what he says?" she +asked Augustine. "Lay my body anywhere," she said; "it does not +matter. Do not let that disturb you. This only I ask--that you +remember me at God's Altar wherever you may be." + +"One is never far from God," she answered to another person who asked +her if it would not be a. sorrow to her to be buried in a land so far +from home. + +It was not only her sons who grieved, but the faithful friends who +were with them, for was she not their mother too? Had she not taken +as much care of them as if they had been her children? + +Augustine scarcely left her side, and she was glad to have him with +her. As she thanked him one day for some little thing he had done for +her, his lip quivered. She thought he was thinking of all the +suffering he had caused her, and smiled at him with tender eyes. "You +have always been a good son to me," she said. "Never have I heard a +harsh or reproachful word from your lips." + +"My life was torn in two," says Augustine. "That life which was made +up of mine and hers." + +They were all with her when she passed peacefully away a few days +later. They choked back their tears. "It did not seem meet," says +Augustine, "to celebrate that death with groans and lamentations. +Such things were fit for a less blessed deathbed, but not for hers." + +Then, as they knelt gazing at the beloved face that seemed to be +smiling at some unseen mystery, Evodius had a happy inspiration. +Taking up the Psalter, he opened it at the 110th Psalm. + +"I will praise Thee, O Lord, with my whole heart," he sang softly, +"in the assembly of the just and in the congregation." + +"Great are the works of the Lord," sang the others, with trembling +voices, "sought out as they are according unto all His pleasure." +Friends and religious women who had gathered near the house to pray +entered and joined in the chant. It was the voice of rejoicing rather +than the cry of grief that followed that pure soul on its way to +heaven. Augustine alone was silent, for his heart was breaking. + +We are but human, after all, and the sense of their loss fell upon +them all later. That night Augustine lay thinking of his mother's +life and the unselfish love of which it had been so full. "Thy +handmaid, so pious towards Thee, so careful and tender towards us. +And I let go my tears," he tells us, "and let them flow as much as +they would. I wept for her, who for so many years had wept for me." + +They buried her, as she herself had foretold, in Ostia, where her +sacred relics were found a thousand years later by Pope Martin V., +and carried to the Church of St. Augustine in Rome. + +The memory of the mother to whom he owed so much remained with +Augustine until the day of his death. He loved to speak of her. +Thirty years later, while preaching to his people at Hippo, he said: +"The dead do not come back to us. If it were so, how often should I +see my holy mother at my side! She followed me over sea and land into +far countries that she might not lose me for ever. God forbid that +she should be less loving now that she is more blessed. Ah, no! she +would come to help and comfort me, for she loved me more than I can +tell." + +The dead do not come back. But who that has followed the career of +the great bishop and doctor of the Church can doubt that she who +prayed for him so fervently on earth had ceased to pray for him in +heaven? + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Life of Saint Monica, by +F. A. 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