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diff --git a/35734-8.txt b/35734-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e7a745f --- /dev/null +++ b/35734-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1752 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch,or The London Charivari, Volume 105, +July 22nd, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch,or The London Charivari, Volume 105, July 22nd, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: March 31, 2011 [EBook #35734] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH,OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 105, JULY 22nd 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +A LONDON PEST. + +To an impartial observer the public, philanthropic, and municipal +attempts to honour the memory of the great and good, if sometimes +mistaken, Earl of SHAFTESBURY, appear to have been singularly +unfortunate. The West-End Avenue that bears his name is more full +of music-halls, theatres, pot-houses, and curious property, than +any street of equal length and breadth in the whole Metropolis. Lord +SHAFTESBURY may not have been a Puritan, but he was essentially a +serious man, and his sympathies were more with Exeter Hall than with +the Argyle Rooms; and yet, in the street which is honoured by his +name, it has been found impossible to remove the old title of this +historic place from the stone _facade_ of the Trocadero. + +The fountain at Piccadilly Circus, which has been unveiled as the +second of the SHAFTESBURY memorials, is surmounted by--what? Some +writers have called it a girl, some have called it a boy; many of the +public, no doubt, regard it as a mythological bird, and it certainly +looks like the Bolognese Mercury flying away with the wings of St. +Michael. We are told, on authority, that it represents Eros, the Greek +god of love, and his shaft is directed to a part of London that, more +than any other part, at night, requires the bull's-eye and the besom +of authority. The "Top of the Gaymarket" is in just as bad a condition +as it was when _Punch_ directed attention to it more than ten years +ago, and the _virus_ since then has extended as far eastward as St. +Martin's Lane. Moll Flanders' Parade now begins at St. James's Church +and ends with Cranbourne Street. It is unfortunate, to say the least +of it, that Eros has been selected to point at this London Pestiduct, +and the sooner it is thoroughly cleansed and the neighbourhood made +worthy of the Shaftesbury Fountain, the better. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AWFUL MOMENT! + +"CONF----! I'VE FORGOTTEN MY DRESS COAT!!"] + + * * * * * + +DELENDA EST DRUBILANA!--The Drury Lane Committee, headed by the +dauntless JAMES O'DOWD, have decided upon approaching the Duke of +BEDFORD with a protest against his Grace's present expressed intention +of pulling down the Old Theatre within the next two years. Probably +the result of this, the latest incident in the interesting annals of +Old Drury, will simply be to make another addition to the well-known +collection of "Rejected Addresses." + + * * * * * + +OUR OPERA. + + To hear sweet strains by GLÜCK or GOUNOD, + MASCAGNI, WAGNER, one must, you know, + Pass slums; at dark it + Is nice in Endell Street and Bow Street; + Still better in that fragrant nose treat-- + "Mudsalad Market." + + Inside, say, _Orpheus_ sings in Hades + To gallant men and noble ladies-- + Rank, wealth, and beauty; + Outside, Elysium is forgotten. + To clear away these slums, half rotten, + Is no one's duty. + + Inside, MASCAGNI'S _Intermezzo_, + Though heard in many places, yet so + Delightful ever; + Outside, cab touts and paper sellers, + And other people's pert _Sam Weller's_, + Delightful never! + + Inside, some day, the newest, _Falstaff_, + Will occupy a far from small staff + Of band and chorus; + Outside, as now, old slums ill-smelling, + And costermongers, shouting, yelling, + Will be before us. + + Once someone started building greatly, + Walls rose, arranged to form quite stately + House, _foyers_, lobbies. + They stopped, extremely gaunt and lonely, + And, now the site is used, it's only + A haunt of bobbies. + + So still Euterpe's home is hidden + In ill-paved slums, through which we've ridden + With jolts that jerk us. + How unlike Paris! Did we follow + Her taste, we should enshrine Apollo + At Regent Circus. + + * * * * * + +JUST CAUSE. + + I love you for your splendid hair, + Your violet eyes, your swaying waist, + Whose curves exactly suit my taste; + Your radiant smile, your dimples rare. + + I love you for your store of pelf, + Of course; but most of all, my sweet, + Because of this--whene'er we meet, + _You let me talk about myself!_ + + * * * * * + +ODE DE KNILL--AND CO. + +_Making Something of Nothing!!_--Lord Mayor KNILL has been created a +Baronet. Sheriffs WILKIN and RENALS, as being next to Nil, have been +knighted. + + "Nobodies" have been Baronets, but still + 'Tis wondrous to create one out of _Nil_! + The Middlesex Artillery Volunteers + Will "make the _Wilkin_ ring" with hearty cheers. + And for the last, he'll bear his honours meekly, + He's RENALS "going strong," not "_Renals Weakly_." + + (For the last, understand _Reynolds' Weekly_.) + + * * * * * + +GOOD EGG-SAMPLE!--One egg was sold the other day for £60 18_s._ _Vide +Times_ of Wednesday last. The egg was a perfect specimen of that _rara +avis in terris_, the gigantic _Aepyornis Maximus_ of Madagascar. What +did Mr. STEVENS do with it? Did he have it made into several omelettes +for a breakfast-party of a dozen? Of course it was a perfectly fresh +egg, and the only thing at all high about it was the price. + + * * * * * + +FROM THE CAMP.--Just now Riflemen are Bis'ley engaged. + + * * * * * + +A FALLEN ART. + + [A "lady palmist" has been fined ten shillings and costs for + fortune-telling.--_Daily News._] + + She lived, this prophetess, too late, + And plied an art that's out of date, + Another age had seen her gain + Her reputation not in vain, + Had seen a crowd respectful wait + Upon the arbiter of fate, + While kings and rulers brought her gold + To have futurity unrolled! + + In some Greek court where fountains play, + Or dwelling by the Appian way, + The prophetess would surely be + Besought by each Leuconoë, + And if for these she sometimes drew + A future pleasanter than true, + At least she gave them, you'll confess, + Anticipated happiness! + + Ah! times are changed, and nowadays + Such divination hardly pays; + There comes no more the crowds that used, + The fees are terribly reduced! + And if our policemen caught the Sphinx + Propounding "Missing Words," one thinks + Our British justice could not fail + To send her speedily to gaol! + + * * * * * + +IMPY AND GARRY.--Colonel SAUNDERSON, "speaking as an Irishman" (did +anyone ever hear the gallant Colonel speak as an Englishman?), didn't +object to being classed among his countrymen, whom Mr. BRODRICK had +styled "impecunious and garrulous." He might have quoted the name +of one of their own national airs as emphasizing, by descriptively +[]abreviating, these two epithets, namely, "_Garryowen_." "_Garry_" is +clearly the short for "_garrulous_," and "_owen_" is the oldest form +of _"not payin'_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A "TURKISH OCCUPATION;" OR, VISIONS IN SMOKE. + + ["The KHEDIVE has been the object of numerous marks + of personal friendship on the SULTAN'S part."--_Times + Correspondent at Constantinople._ +] + +_Sultan (amicably)._ Welcome, dear ABBAS! Take a seat, and a +pipe--take anything you have a mind to, and "make yourself at home," +as the accursed Giaours say. + +_Khedive (squatting)._ Thanks, my dear--Suzerain! Yildiz Kiosk feels, +indeed, very home-like. More than my own Cairo does--when CROMER'S +there. This Nichan-i-Imtiaz Order is really very becoming. Pity you +and I, ABDUL, have to take "orders" from anybody west of Alexandria! + +_Sultan (sotto voce)._ And why _should_ we? + +_Khedive (sulkily)._ Well, the sons of burnt fathers _have_ got the +upper hand of the Faithful, somehow--confound them! + +_Sultan (reading)._ "Intelligence received here of late, from +trustworthy quarters in Egypt, indicates that the KHEDIVE'S journey is +to be made the point of departure for a _grande action diplomatique_ +against British influence in the Valley of the Nile." That's from the +_Times_, my ABBAS! + +_Khedive (moodily)._ Humph! Wish the Egyptian quarters _were_ +"trustworthy." _Grande action diplomatique?_ Quite makes one's mouth +water! + +_Sultan._ _Doesn't_ it? The same infernal--but influential--news-sheet +says: "The young KHEDIVE knows that not only would he meet with a +personally kindly reception, but that the grievances he is known to +be anxious to pour out would fall on ready ears." There, at least, +the Giaour "rag" is right. Pour away, my ABBAS! "Keep your eye on +your father--or Suzerain--and he will pull you through." + [_Winks and whiffs._ + +_Khedive (whiffing and winking)._ Will he, though? And that Turkish +Bodyguard? + +_Sultan (warmly)._ At your service at any moment, my dear ABBAS! + +_Khedive (smoking furiously with closed eyes)._ Ah! if they would only +let me alone, let me rule my subjects in my own Oriental way--as you +do yours in Armenia, for example--then, indeed, I could have a good +time, and plenty of treasure. + +_Sultan (significantly)._ Out of which my little formal trifle of +Tribute might come easily and _regularly_--eh, ABBAS? + +_Khedive._ Quite so, Padishah! Bah! These brutal, blundering +Britishers don't understand the Art of Government as adapted to +Eastern Ideas. + +_Sultan (soothingly)._ Well, never mind, ABBAS. We'll lay our heads +together, anon, now you _are_ here, and--who knows? Meanwhile, let's +enjoy ourselves. Something like a "Turkish Occupation" this--eh? And +how do you like this Turkish tobacco? + +_Khedive (blowing vigorously)._ Smokes easily, and makes a big cloud. +In which I fancy I can see myself driving the British Lion out of the +Nile Valley at the point of the bayonet. + +_Sultan (dreamily)._ And I picture myself comfortably replenishing my +Treasury with that Tribute! Like music, ABBAS? + +_Khedive (uneasily)._ Ye-e-e-s. Why! + +_Sultan (promptly)._ Then I'll tip you something soothing. + [_Sings._ + + I'll sing thee songs of Arabi, + And tales of far Cash ne-ar! + Strange yarns to move thee to a smile, + Or melt thee to a te-ar! + And dreams of delight shall hover bright, + And smoke-born vi-i-sions rise + Of artful "fake," which well may wake + Wild wonder in thine eyes. + I'll move thee to a smile + With dreams of far Cash ne-e-e-e-ar! + + [_Left dreaming._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LACONIC. + +_Passenger._ "CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT ARE THE TIMES FOR THESE 'BUSSES TO +LEAVE THE SWISS COTTAGE?" + +_Driver._ "Quarter after--'Arf after--Quarter to--and _At!_"] + + * * * * * + +A VISION OF ROYALTY. + +(_Written after a surfeit of the Illustrated Papers._) + + Ye Royalties of England, how beautiful ye are! + The special artists claim you, they track you from afar. + In uniforms and diamonds, with sceptre and with crown, + In many a picture-paper those artists set you down. + + And thus the British public may gaze upon its Queen-- + They make her small, but dignified, of most majestic mien. + She smiles--the artist marks her; she frowns--the artist quails, + And soothes himself by drawing H.R.H. the Prince of WALES. + + He draws him at foundation stones, a trowel in his hand + (The point of silver trowels I ne'er could understand); + He draws him opening railways, or turning sods of grass, + And he draws him as a Colonel, in helmet and cuirasse. + + We see him dressed for London, a-riding in the Row-- + I wonder if he ever finds his London pleasures slow; + And we see him down at Sandringham, his country-home in Norfolk, + Where the Royal pair are much beloved, especially by poor folk. + + And oft at public dinners, in Garter and in Star, + We see his Royal Highness enjoying his cigar. + I wish they wouldn't vary quite so much his Royal figure. + For they sometimes make him leaner, and sometimes make him bigger. + + But, be that as it may, I feel that, while my life endures, + I know by heart my Prince's face, my future King's contours. + A stiff examination in the Prince of WALES I'd pass, + And in all his princely attitudes they'd give me a first-class. + + The Duke of YORK, our Sailor Prince, I think I've got him pat; + I've never seen him face to face, but what's the odds of that? + In illustrated papers I have watched him every day + Since he went and popped the question to the pretty Princess MAY. + + I've seen them plain or coloured in fifty different styles, + Just like a pair of turtle-doves, all bills and coos and smiles. + I never saw a turtle-dove that smiled upon its pet afore, + But he who writes of bridal pairs is bound to use the metaphor. + + Oh, Princess MAY, oh, Princess MAY, in crayon or in oil you + Are loveable and beautiful, they can't avail to spoil you. + They did their worst, and did it well, those special-artist + wretches, + To make you like a stolid block in all their special sketches. + + So this, my meek petition, to those artists is addressed, + Give Royalties of every sort a little welcome rest. + I cannot bear my Royal ones--of loyalty I'm full-- + To look like wax and sawdust, with limbs of cotton-wool. + + And thus, when next you draw them (oh, may the time be long) + To make them human beings will surely not be wrong. + And if you'll take a hint from me you'll earn a nation's thanks, + By drawing these prize princely ones a little less like blanks. + + * * * * * + +LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES.--_Sala's Journal_, full of interesting and +entertaining matter, has lately been giving very sensible advice as to +Palmistry, which is again in vogue. The Palmists appear to be doing so +uncommonly well just now, that this year will be memorable, for them +at least, as "the Palmy days" of chiromancy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENGLISH AS SHE IS "SCHPOGEN." + +_Herr Dumpling (a "Deacher of Englisch" who has made the most of his +holiday during the Royal Marriage week)._ "ZERTAINLY, I HAF ZEEN ZE +VEDDING-BROZESS, ZE GWEEN, AND ZE GLIDDERING GOACHES, AND ZE NAIDIVE +DROOBS; AND IN ZE EVENING NEFFER HAF I ZEEN SO PEUDIFUL GAS-WORKS! +BOT, ACH HIMMEL, HOW VAS I OFERGROWDED!"] + + * * * * * + +SEEING THE ROYAL WEDDING PRESENTS. + +(_A Sketch at the Imperial Institute_.) + +SCENE--_The North Gallery on a Saturday afternoon, with the +thermometer at considerably over 80° in the shade. The presents are +arranged behind a long barrier, in front of which the Spectators form +a double "queue," the outer rank facing in the opposite direction to +the inner line, and both moving at an average rate of one foot every +five minutes._ + +_The Attendants (spasmodically)._ Pass along there, please. Keep +moving! + + [_The crowd close to the barrier either cannot or will not pay + the slightest attention to these injunctions, and remain placidly + gazing at whatever happens to be in front of them; the people in + the outside line, who can see just enough to tantalise them, begin + to exhibit signs of impatience._ + +_A Sour-looking Spinster._ Well, I'm sure! They _might_ remember +there's others that would like to have a look besides themselves! +Some of them seem to have made up their minds to spend the whole _day_ +here! (_With a withering glance at a stout lady in the inner rank._) +How anyone can call herself a lady and spend fifteen minutes downright +gloating at nothing but cigarette cases--well, I should be sorry to be +so disobliging _myself_! + + [_The stout lady, who has exhausted the cigarette cases long ago, + but can't move on until those in front of her have thoroughly + inspected the jewels, fans herself with a pocket-handkerchief, + and pretends not to have heard._ + +_A Cheery Old Lady (to her Grand-daughter)._ Well, they _do_ make you +wait, there's no denying--but we shall see everythink some time or +other. 'Ot, MINNIE? Yes, it _is_ 'ot, and they're pushing in front as +well as beyind, now; but lor, my dear, we must put up with sech things +when we come out like this. And you can ketch a glimpse in and between +like, as it is. I can see the top of a Grandfather's Clock. It won't +take us 'alf an hour now, at the rate we're going, to git round the +turn, and then we shall be next the barrier, and 'ave a little more +room. There, they're beginning to move a bit. (_The line advances +about a yard._) Now we're getting along beautiful! + +_A Purple-faced Old Gentleman (in a perspiration)._ It's scandalous! +These people inside aren't _attempting_ to move along. (_To the inner +rank._) Will you kindly pass on, and give others a chance? _Do_ +pass along there! (_The people in the inner row maintain a bland +unconsciousness, which is too much for his feelings._) D--n it! why +can't you pass along when you're asked to? + +_The Usual Comic Cockney._ It's no good torkin' perlitely to 'em, +guv'nor; you touch some on 'em up with your umberella. Why, there's +two old ladies aside o' me that 'ave gone and 'ipnotised theirselves +starin' at silver kendlesticks! + +_A Plaintive Female (to a smart young constable)._ Oh, Mr. Policeman, +_do_ make 'em 'urry up there! + + [_The constable prudently declines to attempt the impossible, and + merely smiles with pitying superiority._ + +_Mrs. Lavender Salt (who has insisted on her husband escorting her)._ +LAVENDER, what a frightful crush! I don't believe we've moved for the +last twenty minutes, and I'm nearly dead with the heat! + +_Mr. L. S. (with irritating common sense)._ Well, MIMOSA, you don't +suppose _I'm_ enjoying myself? After all, if you don't like the crush, +the remedy's simple. You've only to step out of it into the grounds, +you know--there is some air _there_! + +_Mrs. L. S._ What? and give up our places after going through so much? +No, LAVENDER, it would be too absurd to have to go away without seeing +the Royal Presents after all! + +_Mr. L. S._ But is it worth all this pushing and squeezing? Why, you +can see much the same sort of thing any day in perfect comfort by +simply walking down Bond Street! + +_Mrs. L. S._ You wouldn't say so if you had the least scrap of +imagination! It isn't the things themselves one comes to see--it's the +sentiment _attached_ to them! + +_Mr. L. S._ Oh, is _that_ it? Well, I can make out the upper part of +a weighing machine over your shoulder, but I can't say I discover any +particular sentiment attached to _that_. + +_Mrs. L. S. (impatiently)._ Oh, if you choose to sneer at _everything_, +of course you can, but it's looking at things like these that makes us +the loyal nation we are, LAVENDER! + +_Mr. L. S._ My dear MIMOSA, I give you my solemn word that if I remain +opposite those Chippendale bookcases ten minutes longer I shall become +a gibbering anarchist! Surely we can be loyal without such a painful +resemblance to a box of dried figs. + + [Mrs. L. S. _shudders at these revolutionary sentiments_. + +_A New Comer (arriving with a friend, and craning curiously over the +shoulders of the spectators_ in posse, _to their intense indignation_). +'Ere they are, JOE. I can see a lot o' silver inkstands. We'll get a +view if we shove in 'ere. + + [_He attempts to edge through the double rank._ + +_The Purple-faced Old Gentleman._ I protest against your pushing in +here, Sir. We're hot enough already without that. It's monstrously +unfair! + +_The New Comer._ I s'pose I've got as much right to see the bloomin' +Presents as what _you_ 'ave? + +_The P.-f. O. G._ You've no right to push in out of your turn, Sir. +You must take your proper place down at the end of the _queue_ and +wait, like everybody else. + +_The New Comer._ What, all the way down there, and 'ow long might I +have to wait, now? + +_The P.-f. O. G. (with tremendous dignity)._ That I can't say, Sir. I +can only tell you this--that I have been standing here myself for +over three-quarters of an hour without advancing ten yards or seeing +anything distinctly, and so have all these ladies and gentlemen. + +_The New Comer._ Hor, hor, hor! D'jear that, JOE? Ten yards in +three-quarters of an hour! What price snails, eh? Well, Sir, if that's +_your_ ideer of amusin' yourself on a warm afternoon, it ain't mine, +so you'll excuse me and my friend 'ere joinin' your little percession. +Don't lose 'art, Sir, keep on at it. You'll _git_ there afore bedtime +if you don't overexert yourselves. Take it easy now! + + [_They pass on with ribald laughter, to the general relief. + Eventually, after infinite delay and maddening exhortations to + "keep moving," the outer queue succeed to the barrier and to the + unpopularity enjoyed by their predecessors._ + +ALONG THE BARRIER. + +Now we shan't be _nearly_ so squeeged, MINNIE! There's nothing +partickler to look at just yet, except kerridges.... It's not the +smallest use telling us to hurry, my good woman, because we can't +move till those in front choose to go on.... Look at the 'arness, +MINNIE--pretty 'arness, ain't it? with their crest on it and all!... +Well, I call it shabby givin' 'em a kerridge without even so much as +a old moke to dror it. I'd ha' done it 'ansome, or not at all.... Lor, +look at the dust on all the furniture--it _will_ want cleanin' up!... +That's a beautiful gong, MINNIE; see, that's the thing they 'it it +with.... Ain't that a comfortable looking chair in red moroccer? +That'll be for the 'all porter to set in, I expect--there's a 'at in +it. Lor no, my dear, it 'ud ha' been a better lookin' 'at than what +that is, if it was one of the presents, depend on it! There's a +weighin' machine.... Fancy goin' and givin' them a thing like that! +Oh, I expect it's for them to weigh theirselves with. Ah, 'ere come +the _Jewels_ now. Now we _shall_ see somethink!... I don't see _our_ +present yet, do you, 'ARRIET? There's old Uncle BILL'S. See, that +dimond and pearl necklace. Well, if they ain't gone and put it down +as "Persented by six 'undred and fifty ladies of England!" And the old +man savin' up his screw for weeks for it--he _will_ be 'urt when he +'ears of it! Some bloke's gone and given 'em a pillar-post box. I +thought of sendin' the one at our corner, on'y it wouldn't come out +easy: and what with the copper bein' on his beat--why, I decided I'd +give 'em somethink else.... Walking-sticks? Why, he wouldn't want +more if he was a--a centipede!... I wonder where they'll _put_ all the +things, I'm sure! 'Ullo, a pearl and dimond tiarer, made o' cardboard. +I 'ope they thanked 'im nicely for _that_! Why, that's on'y a model, +like. Well, and a very good model, too, what I call eckernomical.... +Look at those _lovely_ toast-racks!... LAVENDER, what a magnificent +old mirror!--Elizabethan, I expect. I wonder who gave _that?_... Oh, +me and 'ARRIET give 'er _that_, mum.... Oh, dear, I wish I was them, +to have all these presents.... Why, my dear, it doesn't matter to +_them_--they have everything lovely as it is!... 'ARRIET, when you +and me git married, we'll 'ave a show of all _our_ presents--not 'ere, +there won't be no room. We'll take the Agricultural 'All, and have a +catalogue and everythink. "Set of Elizabethian sheep's trotters, from +the Hearl of ALAMODE." eh? "Pound of Queen Anne saveloys, from the +Markis o' MILE-END." "Yard o' flypaper, from the Dook o' SHOREDITCH." +"Packet of 'airpins, persented by seven 'underd lydies of Whitechapel." +"Donkey-barrer an' kerridge-rug, from the residents in the Ole Kent +Road." Etceterer ... I do wish you wouldn't go on so foolish! Why, if +someone hain't sent her a set o' straw soles to keep her shoes dry--what +_next_, I wonder!... And a very sensible thing too.... Well, my dear, +I'm sure nothing can't be too good for her, and they've certainly been +set up with every blessing a young couple can require--and may they +live long to enjoy them! + + [_And so says Mr. Punch._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SLAVE TO COURTESY. + +_He._ "DO YOU MIND STOPPIN' A BIT NOW. I GET RATHER GIDDY, +DON'TCHERKNOW." + +_She._ "BUT IF YOU GET GIDDY, WHY DO YOU COME TO DANCES?" + +_He._ "WELL, I'M A BACHELOR AND THAT SORT OF THING, AND IT'S THE ONLY +WAY I CAN SEE OF REPAYIN' HOSPITALITY."] + + * * * * * + +Parliamentary Declension. + +_Nominative_--M.P. "named." _Genitive_--M.P. in possession of the +House. _Dative_--Giving it hot to M.P. _Accusative_--Charge against +M.P. _Vocative_--"O! O!" and (pro-vocative cries). _Ablative_--M.P. +is removed in custody of Serjeant-at-Arms. + + * * * * * + +The subject of conversation in the presence of Mrs. R. was the +Darlington magistrates' decision in the palmistry case. "Yet," +remarked our old friend, thoughtfully, "palmistry is very ancient, +and practised professionally by most excellent and good people. +Isn't DAVID always spoken of as 'The Palmist'?" + + * * * * * + +THE SONG OF THE SHOPKEEPER. + + Will the Season be long? + Will the Season be short? + Parliament's going strong! + Plenty of stir at Court! + Cholera rumours abroad, + Summer weather at home, + Us a chance may afford; + I only hope it may come! + Royal Marriage over! + Money remarkably "tight"! + Landlords _may_ live in clover. + Shopkeepers' pull seems slight. + Will some of our Oracles clever + Tell a poor chap what he axes? + For three things go on for ever, + And those are Rents, Rates, and Taxes! + + * * * * * + +THE VOLUNTEERS' VADE MECUM. + +(_For the Centre Weeks of July._) + +_Question._ Do you prefer Bisley to Wimbledon? + +_Answer._ Officially, yes; as a civilian, no. + +_Q._ Why do you make the distinction? + +_A._ Because I go to Bisley in a double capacity. + +_Q._ Why do you prefer Bisley to Wimbledon officially? + +_A._ Because there are no distractions, and the ranges are less +subject to atmospheric interruption. + +_Q._ Why do you prefer Wimbledon to Bisley as a civilian? + +_A._ Because Wimbledon was an extremely cheery place, where you could +entertain your friends to your heart's content, and have a generally +good time of it. + +_Q._ Can you not obtain the same advantages at Bisley? + +_A._ Certainly not. You are in the neighbourhood of Woking Cemetery, +and that melancholy spot influences its surroundings. + +_Q._ But were you not always regretting the attractions of Wimbledon +when you were in Surrey? + +_A._ Certainly, because they lured me from work. + +_Q._ Do you still regret them? + +_A._ More than ever, because they were certainly pleasanter than the +attractions of Bisley. + +_Q._ And now, in conclusion, what do you think of this year's +shooting? + +_A._ The same as former years. + +_Q._ What do you mean by that? + +_A._ That those who win owe their good shots to flukes, and those who +fail have to thank their rifles, and the state of the weather. + + * * * * * + +"SO LIKE THEM!"--Of all the numerous "memorials" of the Royal Wedding, +Count WALERY'S "Wedding Number of Photographic Portraits" takes the +wedding cake. It is priced at three shillings and sixpence, and for +this you get one English sovereign and "royalties." If this isn't good +value for money we don't know what is. + + * * * * * + +THE SKIRT-DANCER, OR UNLIMITED LOIE-ABILITY.--When a theatre is doing +"good business," and is crammed in every part, placards are exhibited, +announcing "Pit Full, Stalls Full, Boxes Full," &c., &c. But at the +Gaiety just now, where Miss LOIE FULLER is appearing, the management +might simply put up outside the simple statement of fact--"FULLER +EVERY EVENING!" + + * * * * * + +THE ECLIPSE RIDDLE.--Why didn't _La Flèche_ win the Eclipse +Stakes?--Because she wanted to keep out of _Orme's_ way. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. + +_Sir Pompey (so much in earnest that he forgets his Grammar)._ "WELL, +ALL I CAN SAY IS THIS, THAT WHAT I GIVE IN CHARITY IS NOTHING TO +NOBODY!"] + + * * * * * + +MRS. NICKLEBY IN THE CHAIR. + +_A Song of Sympathetic Suggestion._ + + ["Poor Mrs. NICKLEBY, who had at no time been remarkable for + the possession of a very clear understanding, had been reduced + by the late changes in affairs to a most complicated state of + perplexity.... + + "'I don't know what to think, one way or other, my dear,' said + Mrs. NICKLEBY; 'NICHOLAS is so violent, and your uncle has + so much composure, that I can only hear what he says, and not + what NICHOLAS does. Never mind--don't let us talk any more + about it.'... + + "Now Mrs. NICKLEBY was not the sort of person to be told + anything in a hurry, or rather to comprehend anything of + peculiar delicacy or importance on a short notice.... + + "'Anybody who had come in upon us suddenly would have supposed + that I was confusing and distracting, instead of making things + plainer; upon my word they would.'... + + "'I am very sorry indeed,' said Mrs. NICKLEBY. 'I am very + sorry indeed for all this. I really don't know what would be + the best to do, and that's the truth;... but if it could be + settled in any friendly manner--and some fair arrangement was + come to, so that we undertook to have fish twice a week, and + a pudding once, or a dumpling, or something of that sort, I + do think it might be very satisfactory and pleasant for all + parties.' + + "This compromise, which was proposed with abundance of tears + and sighs, not exactly meeting the point at issue, nobody took + any notice of it." + + _Dickens's "Nicholas Nickleby._"] + +AIR--"_Nickledy Nod._" + + Oh! where are we next to be carried, + My own dear NICKLEBY NOD? + We're worried, and hurried, and harried! + In pickle has _no one_ a rod? + Obstruction's becoming a bore; + We're victims of boor, clown, and cad. + It seems of our "noble six hundred" + A solid majority's mad! + + DICKENS was surely prophetic, + My own dear NICKLEBY NOD! + The plight of yourself is pathetic, + The state of the House appears odd. + _Can't_ we live quiet and decent? + The shindy makes common sense sad: + It seems from occurrences recent + The mass of the House _must_ be mad! + + Whom should we ask to protect us, + My own dear NICKLEBY NOD? + A rowdy rot seems to infect us + And Nemesis looks leaden-shod. + Shouldn't we look to the Chair + To save us from garrulous fad, + When row-de-dow fills all the air, + And the bulk of the House is gone mad? + + Cynics may find it amusing, + My own dear NICKLEBY NOD, + This venomous mutual abusing. + Thersites seems ranked as a god. + Billingsgate sways our big swells, + Talent plays Brummagem Cad. + 'Tis worse than Sarcasm of Sadler's Wells. + You're mild--and your House is mad! + + More is to come in the Autumn, + My own poor NICKLEBY NOD! + We trust by that time you'll have taught 'em + Some decency--e'en by the rod. + "Not say any more about it?" + _That_ will scarce answer, my lad! + Patience _may_ soothe, but I doubt it + Much--when the culprits are mad! + + "Settled in some friendly manner?" + My own poor NICKLEBY NOD, + CHAMBERLAIN, SEXTON, and TANNER + (Say) as "fair friends" would look odd. + GLADSTONE, and BALFOUR, and SAUNDERSON, + _Might_ keep the peace, and be glad; + But while malignity maunders on + NICKLEBY policy's--mad! + + "Some fair arrangement?"--_with RUSSELL?_ + My own poor NICKLEBY NOD, + Hark how they howl, shriek, and hustle! + Nay; you must whip out the rod. + Wish you had brought it forth sooner. + NICKLEBY _rôle_, my dear lad, + Of mild, muddled, well-meaning mooner, + Won't work--with a House gone _mad_! + + * * * * * + +NEWS FROM UGANDA.--"A conference," so the _Times_ special lately +wrote, "took place between Bishop TUCKER and Monseigneur HIRTH," with +a view to amicably arranging their respective missions. Monseigneur +HIRTH wished to sing the old nigger melody of "_Out ob de way ole +Dan Tucker_." Imperial Commissioner objected. Bishop TUCKER, lineal +descendant of the celebrated little _Thomas_ who "cried for his +supper," wanted to have all the black and white bread to himself +according to the ancient nursery tradition of the TUCKER family. +Commissioner, quite a GALLIO in his way, wouldn't hear of it. +Ultimately the two ecclesiastical antagonists came to terms, the +Commissioner (Our Own) wisely observing that "as the object of both +missions was a spiritual one, there ought to be no Hirthly ground for +disagreement." + +[Illustration: MRS. NICKLEBY IN THE CHAIR.] + + * * * * * + +LAYS OF MODERN HOME. + +THE FIRST COOK! + +[Illustration] + + Oh! the first Cook, in that ambrosial, unwithering + Halcyon, rapturous, and honeymooning prime!-- + She, who, aware of HELEN'S babyish and blithering + Innocence, did a lot of mischief in her time. + + Oh! for her soup, a weird, insuperable fearfulness, + Compound of arrowroot, and gelatine, and lard; + Hard, to reject it, when a bride besought, with tearfulness, + Hard, to accept, and to assimilate it, hard! + + Oh! for her leather-like, her nauseating omelette, + Oh! for her cutlets and potatoes black as ink! + Oft, of necessity, would I the Buttons, TOMMY, let + Batten on luxuries that bothered him, I think. + + And she would mingle, would that woman who did _that_ to me, + Proofs incontestable with everything I ate, + Whereby the veriest beginner of anatomy + Knew that she must be in complexion a _brunette_. + + Wild were her sauces, like herself, devoid of reasoning; + Still I have never been indubitably clear, + _Why_ the invariable factor in her seasoning + Always reminded me so forcibly of Beer. + + Why, when my darling sighed, "The weekly books are ready, TED," + And I rejoined that _we_ were thin while _they_ were fat,-- + Why, their increasing superfluities were credited + All to a manifestly unoffending cat. + + Why, when a joint of whatsoever solid vastiness + Quitted the dining-room, it never came again; + Why my allusions to her culinary nastiness + Only encouraged her, it beats me to explain. + + True, for our wages, which were somewhere near the "Twenty-ones," + Great expectations would have been a trifle rash. + Still, as her perquisites, I know, were cent.-per-cent.-y ones, + Ah! how I wish a _Chef_ had fed us for the cash! + + Oh! my first Cook! A gem with so much rare and rich in her, + Irreconcileable, impenetrable soul, + How I exulted when she fell against the kitchener, + Urged by a Nemesis (and legs) beyond control. + + How, when my fluttered pet, believing her immaculate, + Hied to her aid, and heard, "_You ain't a Lady, Mum!_" + How I was forced to rather brutally ejaculate, + "Rum! Very rum!--you see the cause of it is '_rum_.'" + + Oh! that first year of married paradise! My attitude + Somehow, my sweet, on this our second Wedding-day, + Needs must be one of unadulterated gratitude, + Since we survive the Cook, you wept to send away! + + * * * * * + +"HAS LEFT BUT THE NAME."--The intention of the original starters of +the Aquarium was presumably to exhibit fish of all sorts, all alive +oh! and quite at home. Nowadays, very little about fish is to be found +in the advertisements. The fish are, it may be supposed, "taken for +granted." They are conspicuous by their absence; but instead you +read how "a human being dives," how somebody conjures, how there are +"miraculous feats," and "four-legged dancers," and "baby elephants" +waltzing and drum-playing; how somebody of some importance "walks +upside down in mid-air;" how there are "serpentine" dancers, +"pantomimists," "duettists," and, finally, the "boxing kangaroo," so +that altogether the Aquarium may still congratulate itself on a show +of about the "queerest, oddest fish" in the world. + + * * * * * + +WHAT'S IN A NAME? + + ["At the World's Fair, in Chicago, the other day, the Rev. + JOHN JAMESON, of Virginia, smashed a stand containing an + exhibit of Irish Whiskey."] + + What's this? Am I dreaming? I fancy I am: + But no--it is printed without any flam. + "The Reverend gentleman stood by the stand, + With a hickory cudgel upraised in his hand. + Then, with fury and fire in his clerical eye, + This temperate priest on the bottles let fly." + Oh, the waste of good liquor; to think there should be + A man who with whiskey would dare to make free; + And to think--which but adds to the sin and the shame-- + That the spoiler of whiskey should own such a name. + One might sooner expect that some learned Q. C. + Should abjure what he lives by, and welcomes--a fee; + That a judge should break laws, or a gaoler break chains, + Or a "guinea-pig" turn in disgust from his gains; + That a bookie should preach, or a bishop should bet, + That a slave of the Season should break etiquette; + A landlord proclaim his dislike of his rent, + Sleek MOSES protest against eighty per cent; + That a priest should cast doubts on a stole or a cope, + Or PE*RS hint a fault in the worth of his soap. + Such sights would be strange, but they cannot compare + With the sight that was seen t'other day at the Fair, + When JOHN JAMESON smashed (or the newspapers fib it) + With his hickory cudgel a whiskey-exhibit. + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST PARISIAN "ROMANCE." + +(_Translated from the original French Canard._) + +THEY were hunting him down. They had traced him from spot to spot. Now +he was in the barracks bribing the Army, now in the Ministerial Bureau +offering gold to the Members of the Government, now in the office of +the leading newspaper arranging for back pages in advertisements at +double the scale price. His pernicious influence was felt everywhere. +The whole body was permeated with a poisonous atmosphere of +corruption. + +"We shall have him now," said the first detective, as he looked to the +lock of his revolver. + +"No doubt about it," returned the other, as he loosed his sword in its +scabbard. "He cannot escape us." + +Then the force of cavalry, infantry and artillery in attendance raised +a stealthy cheer. It had been difficult to bring the charges home to +the accused, but they had succeeded. It seemed impossible to prove his +identity, but now they had surrounded him. It was only a question of a +few minutes, and he would be their prisoner. + +The detectives entered the _café_. They looked around them. They could +see no one answering to his description. All who were there had black +beards, black shaggy hair. They could see no red tresses, no yellow +Dundreary whiskers and prominent front teeth. Where could he be? + +"Yes, there is one diner who has ordered a singular meal," replied a +_garçon_, in reply to a question. "He has asked for turtle-soup, raw +herrings, raw beef, raw mutton chops, plum-pudding and a barrel of +porter-beer." + +"It must be he," cried the detectives, in a breath; "only an +Englishman would want such a meal." + +"And he asked for the _Times_ and _Punch_," added the waiter. + +"Proof conclusive of nationality;" and in a moment the man was +surrounded and seized. + +"You dare not touch me," he shouted, battling with his captors. "I +am sacred, and if you offer violence you pledge your country to a +terrible war!" + +Impressed by the stranger's vehemence, the detectives released him. +Once free, he threw off his black wig, took off his false nose, and +put on his blue spectacles. Then he gazed around him proudly. + +"We ask your pardon, M. l'Ambassadeur," said the police. + +"It is granted," returned their now-released prisoner, and he entered +his carriage. "I would have preferred to preserve my _incognito_, but +your interference has compelled me to reveal my identity. And now, +home." + +And the coachman drove the Ambassador to a grand mansion in the Rue +Faubourg St. Honoré. + +SEQUEL (_from the original English_). + +And when the Ambassador read the above, he came back to his native +land, and observed, "I think I have had enough of this." + +And everyone at home agreed with him. + + * * * * * + +BY OUR OUT-AND-OUT-EVERY-EVENING MAN.--_Mem._ The only endurable +"Squash" in this hot weather is "Lemon Squash." + + * * * * * + +QUEER ENGLISH. + +We are delighted--everyone is delighted, and that is much the same +thing--to know that Mrs. BANCROFT is by this time on the high road to +recovery from the effects of what might have been a serious accident. +The "inimitable" was in a Hansom, when the horse suddenly fell. Had +Mrs. BANCROFT been only what is professionally known as "A Walking +Lady," this could not have happened. The _Daily Telegraph's_ account +of it informed us that "Mr. BLAKELEY, now of the Criterion Theatre, +and once a member of Mr. and Mrs. BANCROFT'S own company, who was +happily passing immediately after the occurrence, was the means of +having the lady taken to her private residence." Mr. BLAKELEY is +always "happy" in any part he undertakes, _nihil tetigit quod non +ornavit_, and no doubt he was "happily passing," perhaps gaily +whistling, lightly stepping, merrily twirling a stick, and walking +along "thinking of nothing at all," when he became aware of the danger +to the popular ex-manageress, which at once changed his note from a +tenner to an alto: in fact alto-gether altered it. [The above comment +would have been impossible had the reporter stated that, "Happily for +Mrs. BANCROFT, Mr. BLAKELEY, &c., &c., was passing at the moment, and, +&c., &c."] + + * * * * * + +"BEN TROVATO!"--Yes, found at last; this Ben is Mr. BEN DAVIES, who +sang five songs before the QUEEN, that is--to avoid all appearance of +rudeness--in Her Gracious Majesty's presence, one day last week. He is +now "Big Ben Trovato-re" in chief, and long may he remain so. + + * * * * * + +A PROPER NAME.--That peculiar but not uncommon ornithological species +known as "Gaol-birds" ought to be kept in a _Knave-iary_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOO CONSCIENTIOUS BY HALF. + +"IS THAT ENOUGH, SIR?" + +"YES; THAT'LL DO VERY WELL. AND NOW SHAVE ME, PLEASE." + +"I OUGHT TO MENTION THAT SHAVING IS THREEPENCE EXTRA, SIR. DO YOU +REALLY THINK IT'S WORTH WHILE?"] + + * * * * * + +FROM PROFESSOR MUDDLE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Your poet (in this week's issue) reminds me of my own +unfortunate experience. Ever since I read that inspired work, _Alice +in Blunderland_, I do not seem to be able to give a correct version of +any of the poems I have long been accustomed to repeat or sing. After +dinner the other night I was asked to sing, and gave a well-known song +as follows:-- + + Think of me only with thy nose, + No words need then be said; + Or kiss me sweetly with thine ears, + No lips are half so red. + The thirst that in my body burns + Demands both food and wine, + So when I next shall call on thee + You'll know I've come to dine. + Thou sent'st me late a rose-bud fair, + Not so much honouring me + As hoping near my heart I'd wear + It all for love of thee. + But I returned it through the post-- + Forgive me, if you can-- + Since when I trow thou hast found out + I'm not a marrying man. + + * * * * * + +DE TROP.--The last item of the _menu_, as given in the _World_, of +the Royal Wedding Breakfast, after the sweets, was named in plain +English,--all the previous dishes being given in French,--"cold roast +fowls." But how on earth after four courses and sweets, finishing with +"_Pâtisserie assortie_," could anyone have the conscience--we put it +in this way--to ask for and to eat any portion of "cold roast fowls"? + + * * * * * + +"THIS IS A GOAK."--The _Weekly Register_, recording the event of a +Baronetcy being conferred on the present LORD MAYOR, remarks, "With +him we know the honour will be no _barren_ one." Very good, _W. R._ +The italics are ours, just to emphasize the pun. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 10._--Glad the sitting's over; often +get a little mixed here; never so magnificently as to-night. +Reached 9th Clause Home-Rule Bill, which settles question of Irish +Representation in Imperial Parliament. When Mr. G. brought in his Bill +in 1886, he proposed to exclude Irish Members. Remember very well +the cheer that filled the Chamber when that announcement made on +introduction of Bill. Those were, as PAT O'BRIEN used to say, "the +days of all-night sittings." Irish Members stood in bitter implacable +attitude of obstruction. At prospect of clearing them out, giving +Great Britain some peace in its own Parliament, the hearts of Members +leaped for joy. Seemed at moment as if this bribe would be enough to +carry the Bill. + +Then came time for reflection; chance of reviewing opportunities. +JOSEPH'S rapid insight perceived in this arrangement a stab at the +Union. In phrase which SQUIRE OF MALWOOD to-night obligingly recalled +he had written, "The key of the position is the maintenance of the +full representation of Ireland in the Imperial Parliament." + +Mr. G., profiting by experience, proposes in present Bill to maintain +Irish representation in slightly modified number. That would seem to +cut ground from under JOSEPH'S clinging feet. What he passionately, +persistently demanded in 1886, is conceded in 1893. If he cannot +abear other provisions of the Bill, he must surely defend the one that +retains Irish Members at Westminster. Must he, indeed? Those who think +so, know not JOSEPH. For some men the fence might seem a hopelessly +stiff one. JOSEPH takes it as an ordinary item in the day's work. No +apology; no retraction; no explanation. Black was black in 1886. He, +at risk of severing long friendships, said so, and was right. In 1893 +black is white. He, anxious only for the prevalence of truth, says so, +and is right again. + +This would have been pretty picture for a July night; but anyone could +have drawn it. In House of Commons it's as common as pastels on +the pavement. JOSEPH went the step further that marks the wide gulf +between genius and mediocrity. Having declared that in 1893 he, +impelled by irresistible conscience and unfathomable love for +his country, would vote against what in 1886 he (subject to same +influence) described as the key of the position, JOEY C. turned upon +his right hon. friends on the Treasury Bench, and with manly emotion +that brought tears to the eyes of the Member for Sark, deplored their +inconsistency. + +"What I like about JOSEPH," said the Member for Sark, "is his +thoroughness. On finding himself in this new pit, he might have +stopped at the bottom and said nothing till the storm had blown over. +Or, thinking that a mean evasion, he might have defended the course he +has adopted. Those are the alternatives presented to ordinary +mankind: only to JOSEPH comes the idea of standing up and indignantly +belabouring Mr. G. and JOHN MORLEY for indulgence in the unpardonable +sin of inconsistency!" + +_Business done._--PRINCE ARTHUR, JOSEPH, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, +and JOHN REDMOND, unite their forces against Government. Mr. G. saved +by skin of the teeth and majority of 14. + +[Illustration: A PARLIAMENTARY BEAR-GARDEN.] + +_Tuesday._--TIM HEALY is an honest man and a loyal colleague. But +we are all weak on some point. Temptation irresistible to TIM is +to appropriate other people's rows. To-night's row distinctly and +exclusively SEXTON'S. Yet TIM promptly came to the front, and remained +there throughout the storm. The one clear impression amidst confusing +uproar was that TIM was bobbing on top of the turbulence like a cork +on the apex of a water-spout. + +BRODRICK began it, and while storm raged sat silent, astonished at +his own moderation. Had merely remarked that the Irish people were +impecunious and garrulous. As an Irishman himself ought to know +something on point. SAUNDERSON, another member of a gifted race, +explained that, on the whole, he was inclined to regard remark +as complimentary. SEXTON, taking a different view, retorted with +observation that BRODRICK'S language was grossly impertinent. +Chairman, appealed to on point of order, gave a nice ruling. It is now +established among Parliamentary precedents that the phrase "grossly +impertinent," if addressed to an individual, is rank blasphemy; when +applied to a thing 'tis but a choleric word. Committee might usefully +have applied itself to consideration of this delicate distinction. +"Instead of which," as the magistrate once said, it went about roaring +like a famished lion. + +For some minutes everyone seemed on his legs. CARMARTHEN had advantage +over most Members by reason of his more than six feet length; +GRANDOLPH, feeling old emotions stirred within him, took prominent +part in the fray; Mr. G., leaning across the table, fixed his glowing +eyes on GRANDOLPH, and warned him that his conduct was not calculated +to assist the Committee in its dilemma; the voice of T. W. RUSSELL +was heard in the land; PRINCE ARTHUR had much to say; Dr. TANNER broke +long silence with a shout; even JUSTIN MCCARTHY was seen on his feet, +and was howled at as if he had been discovered in the act of stealing +the Chairman's pocket-handkerchief. But TIM topped them all. They were +intermittent; he continuous. Whenever there was approach to pause +in the clamour, TIM'S strident voice filled it up with genial +observation, "Name! Name!" they roared at him. "Drag him out," was the +advice given by one forlorn legislator. In delirious delight of +the rapturous hour TIM took no notice of these objurgations and +interruptions. "It's not your funeral," an envious countryman snarled +in his ear. Certainly not; but that should make no difference. TIM +would improve the opportunity to whomsoever it might belong; and he +did. + +_Business done._--None. But we had a cheerful row. + +[Illustration: "Waiting to Spring."] + +_Thursday._--Some excellent speaking to-night, and a walking-match, +in which, lap after lap, Government won. WALLACE led off with speech +sparkling with point; the more effective by contrast with stolid +manner. House crowded and applausive; always grateful to have +something fresh; get it from WALLACE, both in manner and matter. +PRINCE ARTHUR, following later, unusually bitter; pegged away at Bill +and Government for half an hour, and sat down with assertion that +such a Government was not worth attacking. Mr. G., who had listened +to WALLACE'S home-thrusts with face appreciative of their humour, +was unaccountably disturbed by PRINCE ARTHUR'S commentaries. He sat +immediately opposite, waiting to spring; meanwhile, with legs crossed +and arms tightly folded, literally holding himself in. On his feet +with catapultic force when PRINCE ARTHUR, gracefully gathering his +skirts, sat down. A Government not worthy of attack. Ho! A Government +that had failed to adhere to the main principles of its policy. Ha! +But there was another Government which, in 1886, had denounced as +dishonest a revision of judicial rents in Ireland, and a few months +later had passed Bill revising them. Had PRINCE ARTHUR belonged to +that Government? If so, how did he uplift this lofty standard of +action, than which no Pharisee that ever lived in Judea carried it +higher? This and much more Mr. G. declaimed at top of voice, with +flashing eyes, and exuberant gestures, cheers and counter cheers +filling House. Naturally JOSEPH followed with some kind words about +"my right hon. friend." SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, long silent, could not +resist temptation to plunge in. House went off to dinner exhausted by +the tornado of bitter, brilliant speech. + +Dull enough after dinner, when walking-match began. Performance +announced for ten o'clock; began punctually; MELLOR acted as starter. +Course, round the Division Lobbies and back to seats. Time, by +Benson's chronometer, varied from 16 mins. 25 secs. to 18 mins. 3 +secs. Programme included eighteen races; numbered Clause 9 to +26 inclusive; betting 5 to 1 on Government to pull through; some +uncertainty round first division; talk about plungers in Ministerial +team; when made known that majority was 27, it was seen that +Government were safe. Interest in subsequent races fell away as +Government majority mounted up. For some of the events the Opposition +did not appear at starting-post; Government walked over. + +"Demmit, DOUGLAS," said Lord NOM TODDY, coming in mopping his brow, +after eighth Division, "this is not good enough. Next Thursday I shall +send my man down, and let him do the walking round. No use keeping a +dog and barking yourself." + +_Business done._--Clauses 9 to 26 added to Home-Rule Bill. + +_Friday._--DON'T KEIR HARDIE made bold bid to-day for cheap +advertisement. Motion for Address to QUEEN in congratulation on Royal +Marriage. DON'T KEIR tacked himself on to performance with attempted +Amendment on behalf of the poor and needy. Found no probability of +anyone seconding his Amendment, which therefore could not be put. +Still, served his purpose; suggested visions of portrait of Benefactor +of the People (penny plain, twopence coloured) hung in all the cottage +homes of England. + +"Curious," says the Member for Sark, "how rapidly DON'T KEIR HARDIE +has played himself out; perhaps rather notable than curious. House of +Commons is the quickest machine ever invented for taking the measure +of a man. Has looked at Member for West Ham, measured him, weighed +him, and set him aside. When, less than a year ago, he came down, with +his brass band and his trumpets tootling, he was DON'T KEIR HARDIE. +Now, if I may say so, the boot's on the other leg; it's the House of +Commons that Don't Keir for Hardie." + +_Business Done._--More about Home-Rule Scheme. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +A MUNICIPAL HALL.--I see the County Council are thinking of spending +nearly a million of the ratepayers' money in buying a site for a +municipal palace in Parliament Street, because the members--pending +the time when they are all elected to the Legislature--want to be +as close to it as possible. Why not let them be still closer, in +Westminster Hall itself, which is now untenanted? Or if the members +don't like that, why not make a working arrangement with the House +of Commons to use that chamber in the mornings before the M.P.'s come +down to it? This would be something like an "in-and-out" clause, and +would save no end of money. + + TRUE ECONOMIST. + +REWARDS TO RACONTEURS.--I am considered a first-rate storyteller and +conversationalist; indeed, few dinner parties (at Lower Tooting) can +get on without me. Do you think I could get elected to the Reform Club +without paying the entrance subscription? I see that some members of +that club have been left £2000 each as a reward for "brightening +the evenings" of a deceased member, and I feel certain that had the +testator known _me_, he would have increased my legacy to £4000 at +least. My sparkling powers of conversation are often called a "gift," +but I don't want them to be a gift if I could get anything for them. + + SYDNEY MACAULAY HAYWARD SMITH. + + * * * * * + +PRESENT! FIRE! BANG-KOK!--"Three Frenchmen killed, two wounded; twenty +Siamese killed, and twelve wounded,"--such is the first result of +French _Humann_-ising influence in Siam. + + * * * * * + +A NEW MARITIME RESORT.--"I'm sure," observed Mrs. R., "that a really +pleasant thing to do in the summer holidays would be to take a trip to +the Specific Islands." + + * * * * * + +THE GREATEST AUTHORITY ON THE WORKING OF THE "IN-AND-OUT" +CLAUSES.--Mr. SEXTON, M.P.! + + * * * * * + +GOING AGAINST THE GREIN.--Refusing to patronise the Independent +Theatre. + + * * * * * + +FRENCH BILLIARDS AT SIAM.--The Cannon Game. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +This issue contains some dialect. + +Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired. + +Page 25: 'abreviating' corrected to 'abbreviating'. +"... as emphasizing, by descriptively abbreviating, these two +epithets,..." + +Page 30: 'Nickledy Nod' is correct. +[www . archive.org/stream/laysandlyrics00hawkgoog#page/n124]. +(From: "Lays and Lyrics": Nickledy Nod. +Dedicated to the "Sweet Girl Graduates of the School of Cookery." +(After Punch.)) + +Page 33: 'where corrected to 'were'. + + "True, for our wages, which were somewhere near the "Twenty-ones," + Great expectations would have been a trifle rash." + +Page 34: 'nihil tetigit quod non ornavit' = 'he touched nothing +without embellishing it'. + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch,or The London Charivari, Volume +105, July 22nd, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH,OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 35734-8.txt or 35734-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/7/3/35734/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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