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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Alice in Wonderland, by Alice Gerstenberg
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Alice in Wonderland
+       A Dramatization of Lewis Carroll's "Alice's Adventures in
+       Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass"
+
+Author: Alice Gerstenberg
+
+Release Date: March 26, 2011 [EBook #35688]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALICE IN WONDERLAND ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images
+generously made available by The Internet Archive.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: ALICE: You're Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg. [Page 24]]
+
+
+
+
+  Alice in Wonderland
+
+  A dramatization of Lewis Carroll's
+  "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and
+  "Through the Looking Glass"
+
+
+  By Alice Gerstenberg
+
+  Author of "The Conscience of Sarah Platt",
+  "Unquenched Fire," "A Little World," etc.
+
+  Chicago
+  A.C.Mc.Clurg & Co.
+  1915
+
+
+
+
+  Copyright
+  A. C. McCLURG & CO.
+  1915
+
+
+  Published December, 1915
+
+
+  Rights to produce this play in all countries of the world
+  are reserved by Alice Gerstenberg
+
+
+  W. F. MAEL PRINTING COMPANY, CHICAGO
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: TO THE MEMORY OF LEWIS CARROLL]
+
+
+
+
+This dramatic rendering of _Alice in Wonderland_, by Alice Gerstenberg of
+Chicago, was produced by The Players Producing Company of Chicago (Aline
+Barnsdall and Arthur Bissell), at the Fine Arts Theater, Chicago, February
+11, 1915. After a successful run it opened at the Booth Theater, New York,
+March 23, 1915.
+
+The scenery and the costumes were designed by William Penhallow Henderson
+of Chicago.
+
+The music was written by Eric De Lamarter of Chicago.
+
+The advertising posters and cards were designed by Jerome Blum of Chicago.
+
+The illustrations of the characters of the play in this book were drawn by
+J. Allen St. John from photographs by Victor Georg of Chicago.
+
+W. H. Gilmore staged the play with the following cast:
+
+  LEWIS CARROLL       Frank Stirling
+  ALICE               Vivian Tobin
+  RED QUEEN           Florence LeClercq
+  WHITE QUEEN         Mary Servoss
+  WHITE RABBIT        Donald Gallaher
+  HUMPTY DUMPTY       Alfred Donohoe
+  GRYPHON             Fred W. Permain
+  MOCK TURTLE         Geoffrey Stein
+  MAD HATTER          Geoffrey Stein
+  MARCH HARE          Fred W. Permain
+  DORMOUSE            J. Gunnis Davis
+  FROG FOOTMAN        Walter Kingsford
+  DUCHESS             Kenyon Bishop
+  CHESHIRE CAT        Alfred Donohoe
+  KING OF HEARTS      Frederick Annerly
+  QUEEN OF HEARTS     Winifred Hanley
+  KNAVE OF HEARTS     Foxhall Daingerfield
+  CATERPILLAR         Walter Kingsford
+  TWO OF SPADES       Rule Pyott
+  FIVE OF SPADES      France Bendtsen
+  SEVEN OF SPADES     John A. Rice
+
+
+
+
+Alice in Wonderland
+
+
+THE SCENES
+
+ACT I
+
+  Scene I--Alice's Home.
+  Scene II--The Room in the Looking Glass.
+  Scene III--The Hall with Doors.
+  Scene IV--The Sea Shore.
+
+ACT II
+
+  Scene----The March Hare's Garden.
+
+ACT III
+
+  Scene I--The Garden of Flowers.
+  Scene II--The Court of Hearts.
+  Scene III--Alice's Home.
+
+Miss Gerstenberg's manuscript called for costumes after the illustrations
+of John Tenniel, and scenery of the simple imaginative type, the "new art"
+in the theater.
+
+
+
+
+ALICE IN WONDERLAND
+
+
+
+
+Alice in Wonderland
+
+
+
+
+ACT I
+
+
+SCENE ONE
+
+_ALICE'S home. LEWIS CARROLL is discovered, playing chess. Golden-haired
+ALICE, in a little blue dress, a black kitten in her arms, stands watching
+him._
+
+
+ALICE
+
+That's a funny game, uncle. What did you do then?
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+A red pawn took a white pawn; this way. You see, Alice, the chessboard is
+divided into sixty-four squares, red and white, and the white army tries
+to win and the red army tries to win. It's like a battle!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+With soldiers?
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+Yes, here are the Kings and Queens they are fighting for. That's the Red
+Queen and here's the White Queen.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+How funny they look!
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+See the crowns on their heads, and look at their big feet.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It's a foot apiece, that's what it is! Do they hump along like this?
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+Here! You're spoiling the game. I must keep them all in their right
+squares.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I want to be a queen!
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+Here _you_ are [_he points to a small white pawn_] here _you_ are in your
+little stiff skirt!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+How do you do, Alice!
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+And now you are going to move here.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Let me move myself.
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+When you have traveled all along the board this way and haven't been taken
+by the enemy you may be a queen.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Why do people always play with kings and queens? Mother has them in her
+playing cards too. Look!
+
+[_ALICE goes to the mantel and takes a pack of playing cards from the
+ledge._]
+
+Here's the King of Hearts and here's his wife; she's the Queen of
+Hearts--isn't she cross-looking? wants to bite one's head off.
+
+[_CARROLL moves a pawn._]
+
+You're playing against yourself, aren't you?
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+That's one way of keeping in practice, Alice; I have friends in the
+university who want to beat me.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+But if you play against yourself I should think you'd want to cheat!
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+Does a nice little girl like you cheat when she plays against herself?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh! I _never_ do! I'd scold myself hard. I always pretend I'm _two_ people
+too. It's lots of fun, isn't it? Sometimes when I'm all alone I walk up to
+the looking glass and talk to the other Alice. She's so silly, that Alice;
+she can't do anything by herself. She just mocks me all the time. When I
+laugh, she laughs, when I point my finger at her, she points her finger at
+me, and when I stick my tongue out at her she sticks her tongue out at me!
+Kitty has a twin too, haven't you darling?
+
+[_ALICE goes to the mirror to show Kitty her twin._]
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+I'll have to write a book some day about Alice--Alice in wonderland,
+"Child of the pure unclouded brow and dreaming eyes of wonder!" or, Alice
+through the looking glass!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Don't you wish sometimes you could go into looking-glass house? See!
+
+[_ALICE stands on an armchair and looks into the mirror._]
+
+There's the room you can see through the glass; it's just the same as our
+living-room here, only the things go the other way. I can see all of
+it--all but the bit just behind the fireplace. Oh! I do wish I could see
+that bit! I want so much to know if they've a fire there. You never _can_
+tell, you know, unless our fire smokes. Then smoke comes up in that room
+too--but that may be just to make it look as if they had a fire--just to
+pretend they had. The books are something like our books, only the words
+go the wrong way. Won't there ever be any way of our getting through,
+uncle?
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+Do you think Kitty would find looking-glass milk digestible?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It doesn't sound awful good, does it; but I might leave her at home. She's
+been into an awful lot of mischief today. She found sister's knitting and
+chased the ball all over the garden where sister was playing croquet with
+the neighbors. And I ran and ran after the naughty little thing until I
+was all out of breath and so tired! I am tired.
+
+[_She yawns and makes herself comfortable in the armchair._]
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+[_Replaces the playing cards on the mantel and consults his watch._]
+
+Take a nap. Yes, you have time before tea.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Half asleep._]
+
+We're going to have mock turtle soup for supper! I heard mamma tell the
+cook not to pepper it too much.
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+What a funny little rabbit it is, nibbling all the time!
+
+[_He leans gently over the back of her chair, and seeing that she is
+going to sleep puts out the lamp light and leaves the room. A red glow
+from the fireplace illumines ALICE._]
+
+[_Dream music. A bluish light reveals the RED CHESS QUEEN and the WHITE
+CHESS QUEEN in the mirror._]
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+[_Points to ALICE and says in a mysterious voice._]
+
+There she is, let's call her over.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+Do you think she'll come?
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+I'll call softly, Alice!
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+Hist, Alice.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Alice!
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+Hush--if she wakes and catches us--
+
+
+BOTH QUEENS
+
+Alice, come through into looking-glass house!
+
+[_Their hands beckon her._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Rises, and talks sleepily. The Queens disappear. ALICE climbs from the
+arm of the chair to the back of another and so on up to the mantel ledge,
+where she picks her way daintily between the vases._]
+
+I--don't--know--how--I--can--get--through. I've tried--before--but the
+glass was hard--and I was afraid of cutting--my fingers--
+
+[_She feels the glass and is amazed to find it like gauze._]
+
+Why, it's soft like gauze; it's turning into a sort of mist; why, it's
+easy to get through! _Why--why_--I'm going _through_!
+
+[_She disappears._]
+
+
+SCENE TWO
+
+[_Is Scene One, reversed. The portieres are black and red squares like a
+chessboard. A soft radiance follows the characters mysteriously. As the
+curtain rises ALICE comes through the looking glass; steps down, looks
+about in wonderment and goes to see if there is a "fire." The RED QUEEN
+rises out of the grate and faces her haughtily._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Why, you're the Red Queen!
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Of course I am! Where do you come from? And where are you going? Look up,
+speak nicely, and don't twiddle your fingers!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I only wanted to see what the looking glass was like. Perhaps I've lost my
+way.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+I don't know what you mean by your way; all the ways about here belong to
+_me_. Curtsey while you're thinking what to say. It saves time.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I'll try it when I go home; the next time I'm a little late for dinner.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+It's time for you to answer now; open your mouth a _little_ wider when you
+speak, and always say, "Your Majesty." I suppose you don't want to lose
+your name?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+No, indeed.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+And yet I don't know, only think how convenient it would be if you could
+manage to go home without it! For instance, if the governess wanted to
+call you to your lessons, she would call out "come here," and there she
+would have to leave off, because there wouldn't be any name for her to
+call, and of course you wouldn't have to go, you know.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+That would never do, I'm sure; the governess would never think of excusing
+me from lessons for that. If she couldn't remember my name, she'd call me
+"Miss," as the servants do.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Well, if she said "Miss," and didn't say anything more, of course you'd
+miss your lessons. I dare say you can't even read this book.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It's all in some language I don't know. Why, it's a looking-glass book, of
+course! And if I hold it up to a glass, the words will all go the right
+way again.
+
+  JABBERWOCKY
+
+  'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
+    Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
+  All mimsy were the borogoves,
+    And the mome raths outgrabe.
+
+It seems very pretty, but it's _rather_ hard to understand; somehow it
+seems to fill my head with ideas--only I don't exactly know what they are.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+I daresay you don't know your geography either. Look at the map!
+
+[_She takes a right angle course to the portieres and points to them with
+her sceptre._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It's marked out just like a big chessboard. I wouldn't mind being a pawn,
+though of course I should like to be a Red Queen best.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+That's easily managed. When you get to the eighth square you'll be a
+Queen. It's a huge game of chess that's being played--all over the world.
+Come on, we've got to run. Faster, don't try to talk.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I can't.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Faster, faster.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Are we nearly there?
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Nearly there! Why, we passed it ten minutes ago. Faster. You may rest a
+little now.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Why, I do believe we're in the same place. Everything's just as it was.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Of course it is, what would you have it?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Well, in our country you'd generally get to somewhere else--if you ran
+very fast for a long time as we've been doing.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+A slow sort of country. Now _here_ you see, it takes all the running _you_
+can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you
+must run at least twice as fast as that.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I'd rather not try, please! I'm quite content to stay here--only I _am_ so
+hot and thirsty.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+I know what you'd like.
+
+[_She takes a little box out of her pocket._]
+
+Have a biscuit?
+
+[_ALICE, not liking to refuse, curtseys as she takes the biscuit and
+chokes._]
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+While you're refreshing yourself, I'll just take the measurements.
+
+[_She takes a ribbon out of her pocket and measures the map with it._]
+
+At the end of two yards I shall give you your directions--have another
+biscuit?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+No thank you, one's _quite_ enough.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Thirst quenched, I hope? At the end of three yards I shall repeat
+them--for fear of your forgetting them. At the end of _four_, I shall say
+good-bye. And at the end of five, I shall go! That Square belongs to
+Humpty Dumpty and that Square to the Gryphon and Mock Turtle and that
+Square to the Queen of Hearts. But you make no remark?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I--I didn't know I had to make one--just then.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+You _should_ have said, "It's extremely kind of you to tell me all this,"
+however, we'll suppose it said. Four! Good-bye! Five!
+
+[_RED QUEEN vanishes in a gust of wind behind the portieres. Rabbit
+music. WHITE RABBIT comes out of the fireplace and walks about the room
+hurriedly. He wears a checked coat, carries white kid gloves in one hand,
+a fan in the other and takes out his watch to look at it anxiously._]
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+Oh the Duchess! the Duchess! Oh! won't she be savage if I've kept her
+waiting!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I've never seen a rabbit with a waistcoat and a watch! And a waistcoat
+pocket! If you please, sir--
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+Oh!
+
+[_He drops fan and gloves in fright and dashes out by way of the portieres
+in a gust of wind. ALICE picks up the fan and playfully puts on the
+gloves. The portieres flap in the breeze and a shawl flies in._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Catches the shawl and looks about for the owner; then meets the WHITE
+QUEEN._]
+
+I'm very glad I happened to be in the way.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+[_Runs in wildly, both arms stretched out wide as if she were flying, and
+cries in a helpless frightened way._]
+
+Bread-and-butter, bread-and-butter.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Am I addressing the White Queen?
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+Well, yes, if you call that a-dressing. It isn't my notion of the thing,
+at all.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+If your Majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I'll do it as
+well as I can.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+But I don't want it done at all. I've been a-dressing myself for the last
+two hours.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Every single thing's crooked, and you're all over pins; may I put your
+shawl straight for you?
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+I don't know what's the matter with it! It's out of temper. I've pinned it
+here, and I've pinned it there, but there's no pleasing it.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It _can't_ go straight, you know, if you pin it all on one side, and dear
+me, what a state your hair is in!
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+The brush has got entangled in it! And I lost the comb yesterday.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Takes out the brush and arranges the QUEEN'S hair._]
+
+You look better now! But really you should have a lady's maid!
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+I'm sure I'll take you with pleasure. Two pence a week and jam every other
+day.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Who cannot help laughing._]
+
+I don't want you to hire me--and I don't care for jam.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+It's very good jam.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Well, I don't want any today, at any rate.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+You couldn't have it if you _did_ want it. The rule is, jam tomorrow and
+jam yesterday--but never jam today.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It must come sometimes to "jam today."
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+No, it can't, it's jam every _other_ day; today isn't any _other_ day, you
+know.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't understand you, it's dreadfully confusing!
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+That's the effect of living backwards, it always makes one a little giddy
+at first--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Living backwards! I never heard of such a thing!
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+But there's one great advantage in it--that one's memory works both ways.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I'm sure _mine_ only works one way. I can't remember things before they
+happen.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What sort of things do you remember best?
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+Oh, things that happened the week after next. For instance now:
+
+[_She sticks a large piece of plaster on her finger._]
+
+There's the King's messenger--he's in prison being punished; and the trial
+doesn't even begin till next Wednesday; and of course the crime comes last
+of all.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Suppose he never commits the crime?
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+[_Binding the plaster with ribbon._]
+
+That would be all the better, wouldn't it?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Of course it would be all the better, but it wouldn't be all the better
+his being punished.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+You're wrong _there_, at any rate; were _you_ ever punished?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Only for faults.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+And you were all the better for it, I know!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Yes, but then I _had_ done the things I was punished for; that makes all
+the difference.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+But if you hadn't done them that would have been better still; better and
+better and better!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+There's a mistake somewhere--
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+[_Screams like an engine whistle, and shakes her hand._]
+
+Oh, Oh, Oh! My finger's bleeding. Oh, Oh, Oh!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What _is_ the matter? Have you pricked your finger?
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+I haven't pricked it yet--but I soon shall--Oh, Oh, Oh!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+When do you expect to do it?
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+When I fasten my shawl again; the brooch will come undone directly. Oh,
+Oh!
+
+[_Brooch flies open and she clutches it wildly._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Take care! you're holding it all crooked!
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+[_Pricks her finger and smiles._]
+
+That accounts for the bleeding, you see; now you understand the way things
+happen here.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+But why don't you scream now?
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+Why, I've done all the screaming already. What would be the good of having
+it all over again? Oh! it's time to run if you want to stay in the same
+place! Come on!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+No, no! Not so fast! I'm getting dizzy!!
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+Faster, faster!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Everything's black before my eyes!
+
+[_There is music, and the sound of rushing wind, and in the darkness the
+WHITE QUEEN cries: "Faster, faster"; ALICE gasps: "I can't--please stop";
+and the QUEEN replies: "Then you can't stay in the same place. I'll have
+to drop you behind. Faster--faster, good-bye."_]
+
+
+SCENE THREE
+
+_When the curtain rises one sees nothing but odd black lanterns with
+orange lights, hanging, presumably, from the sky. The scene lights up
+slowly revealing ALICE seated on two large cushions. She has been "dropped
+behind" by the WHITE QUEEN and is dazed to find herself in a strange hall
+with many peculiar doors and knobs too high to reach._
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh! my head! Where am I? Oh dear, Oh dear!
+
+[_She staggers up and to her amazement finds herself smaller than the
+table._]
+
+I've never been smaller than any table before! I've always been able to
+reach the knobs! What a curious feeling. Oh! I'm shrinking. It's the
+fan--the gloves!
+
+[_She throws them away, feels her head and measures herself against table
+and doors._]
+
+Oh! saved in time! But I never--never--
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+Oh! my fan and gloves! Where _are_ my--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh! Mr. Rabbit--please help me out--I want to go home--I want to go home--
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+Oh! the Duchess! Oh! my fur and whiskers! She'll get me executed, as sure
+as ferrets are ferrets! Oh! _you_ have them!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I'm sorry--you dropped them, you know--
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+[_Picks up fan and gloves and patters off._]
+
+She'll chop off your head!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+If you please sir--where am I?--won't you please--tell me how to get
+out--I want to get out--
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+[_Looking at his watch._]
+
+Oh! my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting.
+
+[_A trap door gives way and RABBIT disappears. ALICE dashes after only in
+time to have the trap door bang in her face._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Amazed._]
+
+It's a rabbit-hole--I'm small enough to fit it too! If I shrink any more
+it might end in my going out altogether like a candle. I wonder what I
+would be like then! What does the flame of a candle look like after the
+candle is blown out? I've never seen such a thing!
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+[_Sits on the wall._]
+
+Don't stand chattering to yourself like that, but tell me your name and
+your business.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+My _name_ is Alice, but--
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+It's a stupid name enough, what does it mean?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+_Must_ a name mean something?
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+Of course it must; _my_ name means the shape I am--and a good, handsome
+shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+You're Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+It's _very_ provoking, to be called an egg--_very_.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I said you _looked_ like an egg, Sir, and some eggs are very pretty, you
+know.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+Some people have no more sense than a baby.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Why do you sit here all alone?
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+Why, because there's nobody with me. Did you think I didn't know the
+answer to _that_? Ask another.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Don't you think you'd be safer down on the ground? That wall's so very
+narrow.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+What tremendously easy riddles you ask! Of course I don't think so. Take a
+good look at me! I'm one that has spoken to a king, I am; to show you I'm
+not proud, you may shake hands with me!
+
+[_He leans forward to offer ALICE his hand but she is too small to reach
+it._]
+
+However, this conversation is going on a little too fast; let's go back to
+the last remark but one.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I'm afraid I can't remember it.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+In that case we start fresh, and it's my turn to choose a subject.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+You talk about it just as if it were a game.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+So here's a question for you. How old did you say you were?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Seven years and six months.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+Wrong! You never said a word about it. Now if you'd asked _my_ advice, I'd
+have said, "Leave off at seven--but--"
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I never ask advice about growing.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+Too proud?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What a beautiful belt you've got on. At least, a beautiful cravat, I
+should have said--no, a belt, I mean--I beg your pardon. If only I knew
+which was neck and which was waist.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+It is a--_most--provoking_--thing, when a person doesn't know a cravat
+from a belt.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I know it's very ignorant of me.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. There's glory for
+you.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't know what you mean by "glory."
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more
+nor less.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+The question is, whether you _can_ make words mean different things.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+The question is, which is to be master--that's all. Impenetrability!
+That's what I say!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Would you tell me, please, what that means?
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+I meant by "impenetrability" that we've had enough of that subject, and it
+would be just as well if you'd mention what you mean to do next, as I
+suppose you don't mean to stop here all the rest of your life.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+That's a great deal to make one word mean.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+When I make a word do a lot of work like that I always pay it extra.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh!
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+Ah, you should see 'em come round me of a Saturday night, for to get their
+wages, you know. That's all--Good-bye.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Good-bye till we meet again.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+I shouldn't know you again, if we _did_ meet, you're so exactly like other
+people.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+The face is what one goes by, generally.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+That's just what I complain of. Your face is the same as everybody
+has--the two eyes--so--nose in the middle, mouth under. It's always the
+same. Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of the nose, for
+instance--or the mouth at the top--that would be _some_ help.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It wouldn't look nice.
+
+
+HUMPTY DUMPTY
+
+Wait till you've tried! Good-bye.
+
+[_He disappears as he came._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh! I forgot to ask him how to--
+
+[_She tries to open the doors. They are all locked; she begins to weep.
+She walks weeping to a high glass table and sits down on its lower ledge.
+She sits on a big golden key and picks it up in surprise. She tries it on
+all the doors but it does not fit. She weeps and weeps--and Wonderland
+grows dark to her in her despair. In the darkness she cries, "Oh! I'm
+slipping! Oh, Oh! it's a lake; Oh! my tears! I'm floating!" A mysterious
+light shows a "Drink me" sign around a bottle on the top of the table.
+ALICE floats up to it panting, and holding on to the edge of the table
+takes up the bottle._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It isn't marked poison.
+
+[_She sips at it._]
+
+This is good! Tastes like cherry tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey,
+toffy and hot buttered toast--all together. Oh! Oh! I'm letting out like a
+telescope.
+
+[_A mysterious light shows her lengthening out._]
+
+[_Music._]
+
+But the lake is rising too. Oh! Oh! it's deep! I'm drowning. Help, help,
+I'm drowning, I'm drowning in my tears!
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh!
+
+[_The GRYPHON, a huge green creature with big glittering wings, appears
+where HUMPTY DUMPTY had been and reaches glittering claws over to grab and
+save ALICE._]
+
+
+SCENE FOUR
+
+_Is symbolic of a wet and rocky shore in a weird green light. The MOCK
+TURTLE is weeping dismally._
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+[_Answers with his weeping._]
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+[_Drags ALICE in._]
+
+Drop your tears into the sea with his.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+He sobs as if he had a bone in his throat. He sighs as if his heart would
+break. What is his sorrow?
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Oh, Gryphon, it's terrible!
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+It's all his fancy that. Mock Turtle hasn't got no sorrow. This here young
+lady, she wants for to know your history, she do.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+I'll tell it her. Sit down both of you, and don't speak a word till I've
+finished.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't see how you can _ever_ finish, if you don't begin.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Once, I was a real Turtle.
+
+[_A long silence is broken only by the exclamations, "Hjckrrh," of the
+GRYPHON and the heavy sobbing of the MOCK TURTLE._]
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+When we were little, we went to school in the sea. The master was an old
+Turtle--we used to call him tortoise--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one?
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+We called him Tortoise because he taught us; really you are very dull.
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question.
+Drive on, old fellow! Don't be all day about it!
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Yes, we went to school in the sea, tho' you mayn't believe it--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I never said I didn't.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+You did.
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Hold your tongue!
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+We had the best of educations--in fact, we went to school every day.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I've been to a day school too; you needn't be so proud as all that.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+With extras?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Yes, we learned French and music.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+And washing?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Certainly not!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Ah! Then yours wasn't a really good school. Now at _ours_ they had at the
+end of the bill, French, music, _and washing_--extra.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+You couldn't have wanted it much; living at the bottom of the sea.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+I couldn't afford to learn it, I only took the regular course.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What was that?
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Reeling and writhing, of course, to begin with, and then the different
+branches of Arithmetic--Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I never heard of Uglification. What is it?
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Never heard of uglifying! You know what to beautify is, I suppose?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Yes, it means--to--make--anything--prettier.
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Well then, if you don't know what to uglify is, you _are_ a simpleton.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What else had you to learn?
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Well, there was Mystery; Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography,
+then Drawling--the Drawling-master was an old conger eel, that used to
+come once a week; what _he_ taught us was Drawling, Stretching, and
+Fainting in Coils.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What was _that_ like?
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Well, I can't show it you, myself. I'm too stiff. And the Gryphon never
+learned it.
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Hadn't time; I went to the Classical master, though. He was an old crab,
+_he_ was.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+I never went to him; he taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+So he did, so he did.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+And how many hours a day did you do lessons?
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Ten hours the first day, nine the next, and so on.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What a curious plan!
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+That's the reason they're called lessons, because they lessen from day to
+day.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday?
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Of course it was.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+And how did you manage on the twelfth?
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+That's enough about lessons, tell her something about the games now.
+
+[_MOCK TURTLE sighs deeply, draws back of one flapper across his eyes. He
+looks at ALICE and tries to speak but sobs choke his voice._]
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+[_Punching him in the back._]
+
+Same as if he had a bone in his throat.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+[_With tears running down his cheeks._]
+
+You may not have lived much under the sea--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I haven't.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+And perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I once tasted--no, never!
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+So you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille is.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+No, indeed. What sort of a dance is it?
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Why, you first form into a line along the seashore.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Two lines; seals, turtles, salmon, and so on; then, when you've cleared
+all the jellyfish out of the way--
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+_That_ generally takes some time.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+You advance twice--
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Each with a lobster as a partner.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Of course, advance twice, set to partners.
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Change lobsters, and retire in same order.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Then you know, you throw the--
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+The lobsters!
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+As far out to sea as you can--
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Swim after them!
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Turn a somersault in the sea.
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Change lobsters again!
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Back to land again, and--that's all the first figure.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It must be a very pretty dance.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Would you like to see a little of it?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Very much indeed.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Come, let's try the first figure. We can do it without lobsters, you know;
+which shall sing?
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Oh, _you_ sing, I've forgotten the words.
+
+[_Creatures solemnly dance round and round ALICE, treading on her toes,
+waving fore-paws to mark time while MOCK TURTLE sings._]
+
+  First Verse
+
+  "Will you walk a little faster!" said a whiting to a snail,
+  "There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail.
+  See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
+  They are waiting on the shingle--will you come and join the dance?
+  Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?
+  Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?
+
+  Second Verse
+
+  "You can really have no notion how delightful it will be
+  When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!"
+  But the snail replied, "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance--
+  Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.
+  Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.
+  Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.
+
+[_The creatures dance against ALICE, pushing her back and forth between
+them. She protests and finally escapes; they bump against each other._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Thank you; it's a very interesting dance to watch, and I do so like that
+curious song about the whiting.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Oh, as to the whiting, they--you've seen them, of course?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Yes, I've often seen them at din--
+
+[_Checks herself hastily._]
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+I don't know where Din may be, but if you've seen them so often, of course
+you know what they're like.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I believe so, they have their tails in their mouths--and they're all over
+crumbs.
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+You're wrong about the crumbs, crumbs would all wash off in the sea. But
+they _have_ their tails in their mouths; and the reason is--
+
+[_MOCK TURTLE yawns and shuts his eyes._]
+
+Tell her about the reason and all that.
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+The reason is, that they _would_ go with the lobsters to the dance. So
+they got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got
+their tails fast in their mouths. So they couldn't get them out again.
+That's all.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Thank you, it's very interesting. I never knew so much about a whiting
+before.
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+I can tell you more than that, if you like. Do you know why it's called a
+whiting?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I never thought about it. Why?
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+_It does the boots and shoes._
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Does the boots and shoes!
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Why, what are _your_ shoes done with? I mean, what makes them so shiny?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+They're done with blacking, I believe.
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Boots and shoes under the sea, are done with whiting. Now you know.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+And what are they made of?
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Soles and eels, of course; any shrimp could have told you that.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+If I'd been the whiting, I'd have said to the porpoise, "Keep back,
+please; we don't want _you_ with us."
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+They were obliged to have him with them, no wise fish would go anywhere
+without a porpoise.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Wouldn't it really?
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+Of course not; why if a fish came to me and told me he was going a
+journey, I should say, "With what porpoise?"
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Don't you mean purpose?
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+I mean what I say.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Shall we try another figure of the Lobster Quadrille? Or would you like
+the Mock Turtle to sing you a song?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh, a song please, if the Mock Turtle would be so kind.
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+Um! No accounting for tastes! Sing her "Turtle Soup," will you, old
+fellow?
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+[_Sighs deeply and sometimes choked with sobs, sings._]
+
+  "Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,
+  Waiting in a hot tureen!
+  Who for such dainties would not stoop?
+  Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
+  Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
+  Beau--ootiful Soo--op,
+  Beau--ootiful Soo--oop,
+  Soo--oop of the e-e-evening,
+  Beautiful, beautiful Soup."
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+[_Enters, stretching out a red and white checked sash with which he
+separates ALICE from the creatures._]
+
+Check!
+
+
+MOCK TURTLE
+
+They won't let her stay in our square.
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+The Queen is coming this way.
+
+
+GRYPHON
+
+She'll chop our heads off. Come on, come on, let's fly!
+
+[_The MOCK TURTLE and GRYPHON grab ALICE and fly into the air._]
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+[_The Curtain rises to reveal small silhouettes of the GRYPHON, MOCK
+TURTLE, and ALICE in an orange-colored moon far away in the sky. Down
+below the WHITE RABBIT is shouting to them, "You'll be safe in the March
+Hare's garden."_]
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+
+
+ACT II
+
+
+SCENE
+
+_The March Hare's garden, showing part of the Duchess' house. On a small
+platform there is a tea table, set with many cups, continuing into wings
+to give impression of limitless length. THE MARCH HARE, HATTER, and
+DORMOUSE are crowded at one end. ALICE sits on the ground where she has
+been dropped from the sky. Finding herself not bruised she rises and
+approaches the table._
+
+
+MARCH HARE and HATTER
+
+No room! No room!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+There's plenty of room!
+
+[_She sits in a large armchair at one end of the table._]
+
+I don't know who you are.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+I am the March Hare, that's the Hatter, and this is the Dormouse. Have
+some wine?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't see any wine.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+There isn't any.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I didn't know it was _your_ table; it's laid for a great many more than
+three.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Your hair wants cutting.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+You should learn not to make personal remarks; it's very rude.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Come, we shall have some fun now! I'm glad you've begun asking riddles--I
+believe I can guess that.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+So you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?
+
+
+[Illustration: HATTER: Your hair wants cutting.]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Exactly so.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+Then you should say what you mean.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I do; at least--at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you
+know.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Not the same thing a bit! Why, you might just as well say that "I see what
+I eat" is the same thing as, "I eat what I see!"
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+You might just as well say that "I like what I get," is the same thing as
+"I get what I like."
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+You might just as well say that "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing
+as "I sleep when I breathe."
+
+
+HATTER
+
+It _is_ the same thing with you.
+
+[_Takes out his watch, looks at it uneasily, shakes it, holds it to his
+ear._]
+
+What day of the month is it?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+The fourth.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Two days wrong. I told you butter wouldn't suit the works!
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+It was the _best_ butter.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well; you shouldn't have put it
+in with the bread-knife--
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+[_Takes the watch, looks at it gloomily, dips it into his cup of tea and
+looks at it again but doesn't know what else to say._]
+
+It was the _best_ butter, you know.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What a funny watch! It tells the day of the month, and doesn't tell what
+o'clock it is.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Why should it? Does _your_ watch tell you what year it is?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Of course not, but that's because it stays the same year for such a long
+time together.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Which is just the case with _mine_.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't quite understand you. What you said had no sort of meaning in it
+and yet it was certainly English.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+[_Pouring some hot tea on the DORMOUSE'S nose._]
+
+The Dormouse is asleep again.
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+Of course, of course, just what I was going to remark myself.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Have you guessed the riddle yet?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+No, I give it up, what's the answer?
+
+
+HATTER
+
+I haven't the slightest idea.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+Nor I.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I think you might do something better with the time, than wasting it in
+asking riddles that have no answers.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk about wasting _it_.
+It's _him_.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't know what you mean.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Of course you don't. I dare say you never even spoke to Time.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Ah, that accounts for it. He won't stand beating. Now, if you only kept on
+good terms with him, he'd do almost anything you liked with the clock. For
+instance, suppose it were nine o'clock in the morning, just time to begin
+lessons. You'd only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the
+clock in a twinkling! Half past one, time for dinner.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+I only wish it was.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+That would be grand, certainly, but then--I shouldn't be hungry for it,
+you know.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half past one as long as
+you liked.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Is that the way _you_ manage?
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Not I, we quarreled last March--just before _he_ went mad, you know. It
+was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts and I had to sing.
+
+  "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
+  How I wonder what you're at!"
+
+You know the song, perhaps.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I've heard something like it.
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle--
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse when the Queen bawled out, "He's
+murdering the time! Off with his head!"
+
+
+ALICE
+
+How dreadfully savage!
+
+
+HATTER
+
+And ever since that, he won't do a thing I ask! It's always six o'clock
+now.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Is that the reason so many tea things are put out here?
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Yes, that's it; it's always tea time, and we've no time to wash the things
+between whiles.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Then you keep moving round, I suppose?
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Exactly so, as the things get used up.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+But when you come to the beginning again?
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+Suppose we change the subject. I vote the young lady tells us a story.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I'm afraid I don't know one.
+
+
+MARCH HARE and HATTER
+
+Then the Dormouse shall. Wake up Dormouse.
+
+[_They pinch him on both sides at once._]
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+[_Opens his eyes slowly and says in a hoarse, feeble voice._]
+
+I wasn't asleep, I heard every word you fellows were saying.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+Tell us a story.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Yes, please do!
+
+
+HATTER
+
+And be quick about it, or you'll be asleep again before it's done.
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and their names were
+Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie and they lived at the bottom of a well--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What did they live on?
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+They lived on treacle.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+They couldn't have done that, you know, they'd have been ill.
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+So they were, _very_ ill.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+But why did they live at the bottom of a well?
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+Take some more tea.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+You mean, you can't take _less_; it's very easy to take _more_ than
+nothing.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Nobody asked _your_ opinion.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Who's making personal remarks now?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Helps herself to tea and bread and butter._]
+
+Why did they live at the bottom of a well?
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+[_Takes a minute or two to think._]
+
+It was a treacle-well.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+There's no such thing!
+
+
+HATTER and MARCH HARE
+
+Sh! Sh!
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the story for yourself.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Very humbly._]
+
+No, please go on. I won't interrupt you again. I dare say there may be
+_one_.
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+One, indeed! And so these three little sisters--they were learning to
+draw, you know--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What did they draw?
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+Treacle.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+I want a clean cup. Let's all move one place on.
+
+[_HATTER moves on, DORMOUSE takes his place, MARCH HARE takes DORMOUSE'S
+place and ALICE unwillingly takes MARCH HARE'S place._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I'm worse off than I was before. You've upset the milk jug into your
+plate.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Where did they draw the treacle from?
+
+
+HATTER
+
+You can draw water out of a water well, so I should think you could draw
+treacle out of a treacle well--eh, stupid?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+But they were _in_ the well.
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+Of course they were--well in. They were learning to draw, and they drew
+all manner of things--everything that begins with an M--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Why with an M?
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+Why not?
+
+[_ALICE is silent and confused. HATTER pinches DORMOUSE to wake him up._]
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+[_Wakes with a little shriek and continues._]
+
+--that begins with an M, such as mousetraps and the moon and memory and
+muchness--you know you say things are "much of a muchness"--did you ever
+see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Did you?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Really now you ask me, I don't think--
+
+
+HATTER
+
+Then you shouldn't talk.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+No!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Rises and walks away._]
+
+You are very rude. It's the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my
+life--
+
+[_WHITE RABBIT enters carrying a huge envelope with a seal and crown on
+it._]
+
+
+MARCH HARE and HATTER
+
+No room! no room!
+
+[_Rabbit pays no attention to them but goes to the house and raps loudly.
+A footman in livery with a round face and large eyes like a frog and
+powdered hair opens the door._]
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.
+
+
+FROG
+
+From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.
+
+[_WHITE RABBIT bows and goes out._]
+
+
+MARCH HARE and HATTER
+
+[_To WHITE RABBIT._]
+
+No room! No room! No room!
+
+[_The FROG disappears into the house but leaves the door open. There is a
+terrible din and many sauce pans fly out._]
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+She's at it again.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+It's perfectly disgusting.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+Let's move on.
+
+[_The platform moves off with table, chairs, MARCH HARE, HATTER, and
+DORMOUSE. Meanwhile the FROG has come out again and is sitting near the
+closed door, staring stupidly at the sky. ALICE goes to the door timidly
+and knocks._]
+
+
+FROG
+
+There's no sort of use in knocking, and that for two reasons: first,
+because I'm on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because
+they're making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Please then, how am I to get in?
+
+
+FROG
+
+There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us.
+For instance, if you were _inside_, you might knock, and I could let you
+out, you know.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+How am I to get in?
+
+
+FROG
+
+I shall sit here, till tomorrow.
+
+[_The door opens and a large plate skims out straight at the FROG'S
+head; it grazes his nose and breaks into pieces._]
+
+[_FROG acts as if nothing had happened._]
+
+Or next day, maybe.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+How am I to get in?
+
+
+FROG
+
+_Are_ you to get in at all? That's the first question, you know.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It's really dreadful the way all you creatures argue. It's enough to drive
+one crazy.
+
+
+FROG
+
+I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+But what am I to do?
+
+
+FROG
+
+Anything you like.
+
+[_He begins to whistle._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Where's the servant whose business it is to answer the door?
+
+
+FROG
+
+Which door?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+_This_ door, of course!
+
+
+[Illustration: FROG: I shall sit here till tomorrow.]
+
+
+[_The FROG looks at the door, and rubs his thumb on it to see if the
+paint will come off._]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+FROG
+
+To answer the door? What's it been asking for?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't know what you mean.
+
+
+FROG
+
+I speaks English, doesn't I? Or are you deaf? What did it ask you?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Nothing! I've been knocking at it.
+
+
+FROG
+
+Shouldn't do that--shouldn't do that, vexes it, you know.
+
+[_He kicks the door._]
+
+You let _it_ alone, and it'll let _you_ alone, you know.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh, there's no use talking to you--
+
+[_She starts to open the door just as the DUCHESS comes out carrying a pig
+in baby's clothes. She sneezes--FROG sneezes and ALICE sneezes._]
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+If everybody minded her own business--
+
+[_She sneezes._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It's pepper.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Of course, my cook puts it in the soup.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+There's certainly too much pepper in the soup.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Sneeze then and get rid of it!
+
+[_DUCHESS begins to sing to the baby, giving it a violent shake at the end
+of every line of the lullaby._]
+
+  "Speak roughly to your little boy,
+    And beat him when he sneezes;
+
+[_FROG and ALICE sneeze._]
+
+  He only does it to annoy,
+    Because he knows it teases.
+
+[_DUCHESS sneezes, FROG sneezes, ALICE sneezes._]
+
+  I speak severely to my boy,
+    I beat him when he sneezes;
+
+[_FROG sneezes, ALICE sneezes._]
+
+  For he can thoroughly enjoy
+    The pepper when he pleases!"
+
+[_DUCHESS sneezes, FROG sneezes, ALICE sneezes, DUCHESS gasps and gives a
+tremendous sneeze._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh dear!
+
+[_She jumps aside as kettles and pots come flying out of the door. The
+DUCHESS pays no attention._]
+
+What a cook to have!
+
+[_She calls inside._]
+
+Oh! _please_ mind what you're doing!
+
+[_Another pan comes out and almost hits the baby._]
+
+Oh! there goes his _precious_ nose!
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+If everybody minded her own business, the world would go round a deal
+faster than it does.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Which would not be an advantage. Just think what work it would make with
+the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round
+on its axis--
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Talking of axes, chop off her head!
+
+[_The head of a grinning Cheshire cat appears in a tree above a wall._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh, what's that?
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Cat, of course.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Why does it grin like that?
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+It's a Cheshire cat! and that's why. [_To baby._] Pig!
+
+
+[Illustration: DUCHESS: I speak severely to my boy, I beat him when he
+sneezes.]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn't know
+that cats _could_ grin.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+They all can and most of 'em do.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't know of any that do.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+You don't know much and that's a fact. Here, you may nurse it a bit, if
+you like!
+
+[_Flings the baby at ALICE._]
+
+I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen.
+
+[_She goes into the house._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+If I don't take this child away with me, they're sure to kill it in a day
+or two. Cheshire Puss, would you tell me please, which way I ought to walk
+from here?
+
+
+CAT
+
+That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't much care where--
+
+
+CAT
+
+Then it doesn't matter which way you walk.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+So long as I get _somewhere_.
+
+
+CAT
+
+Oh, you're sure to do that, if you only walk long enough.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Please, will you tell me what sort of people live about here?
+
+
+CAT
+
+All mad people.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+But I don't want to go among mad people.
+
+
+CAT
+
+Oh, you can't help that; we're all mad here. I'm mad. He's mad. He's
+dreaming now, and what do you think he's dreaming about?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Goes to the FROG to scrutinize his face._]
+
+Nobody could guess that.
+
+
+CAT
+
+Why, about you! And if he left off dreaming about you, where do you
+suppose you'd be?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Where I am now, of course.
+
+
+CAT
+
+Not you. You'd be nowhere. Why, you're only a sort of thing in his dream;
+and you're mad too.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+How do you know I'm mad?
+
+
+CAT
+
+You must be, or you wouldn't have come here.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+How do you know that you're mad?
+
+
+CAT
+
+To begin with, a dog's not mad. You grant that?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I suppose so.
+
+
+CAT
+
+Well then, you see a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when
+it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm
+angry. Therefore I'm mad.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I call it purring, not growling.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+CAT
+
+Call it what you like. Do you play croquet with the Queen today?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I should like it very much, but I haven't been invited yet.
+
+
+CAT
+
+You'll see me there.
+
+[_Vanishes._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_To squirming baby._]
+
+Oh, dear, it's heavy and so ugly. Don't grunt--Oh--Oh--it's a--pig. Please
+Mr. Footman take it!
+
+
+FROG
+
+[_Rises with dignity, whistles and disappears into the house; a kettle
+comes bounding out. ALICE puts pig down and it crawls off._]
+
+
+CAT
+
+[_Appearing again._]
+
+By-the-bye, what became of the baby?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It turned into a pig.
+
+
+CAT
+
+I thought it would.
+
+[_Vanishes._]
+
+[_FROG comes out of the house with hedgehogs and flamingoes._]
+
+
+CAT
+
+[_Reappearing._]
+
+Did you say pig, or fig?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I said pig; and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so
+suddenly; you make one quite giddy.
+
+
+CAT
+
+All right. [_It vanishes slowly._]
+
+[_FROG puts flamingoes down and reenters house. While ALICE is examining
+the flamingoes curiously, TWEEDLEDUM and TWEEDLEDEE, each with an arm
+round the other's neck, sidestep in and stand looking at ALICE._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Turns, sees them, starts in surprise and involuntarily whispers._]
+
+Tweedle--dee.
+
+
+DUM
+
+Dum!
+
+
+DEE
+
+If you think we're waxworks, you ought to pay.
+
+
+DUM
+
+Contrariwise, if you think we're alive, you ought to speak.
+
+
+DEE
+
+The first thing in a visit is to say "How d'ye do?" and shake hands!
+
+[_The brothers give each other a hug, then hold out the two hands that are
+free, to shake hands with her. ALICE does not like shaking hands with
+either of them first, for fear of hurting the other one's feelings; she
+takes hold of both hands at once and they all dance round in a ring, quite
+naturally to music, "Here we go round the mulberry bush."_]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Would you tell me which road leads out of--
+
+
+DEE
+
+What shall I repeat to her?
+
+
+DUM
+
+The "Walrus and the Carpenter" is the longest.
+
+[_Gives his brother an affectionate hug._]
+
+
+DEE
+
+  The sun was shining--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+If it's very long, would you please tell me first which road--
+
+
+DEE
+
+  The moon was shining sulkily.
+
+DUM
+
+  The sea was wet as wet could be--
+
+
+DEE
+
+  O Oysters, come and walk with us
+    The Walrus did beseech--
+
+
+DUM
+
+[_Looks at DEE._]
+
+  A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
+    Along the briny beach--
+
+
+DEE
+
+[_Looks at DUM._]
+
+  The eldest Oyster winked his eye
+    And shook his heavy head--
+
+
+DUM
+
+[_Looks at DEE._]
+
+  Meaning to say he did not choose
+    To leave the oyster bed.
+
+
+DEE
+
+  But four young Oysters hurried up
+    And yet another four--
+
+
+DUM
+
+  And thick and fast they came at last,
+    And more, and more, and more--
+
+
+DEE
+
+  The Walrus and the Carpenter
+    Walked on a mile or so,
+
+
+DUM
+
+  And then they rested on a rock
+    Conveniently low,
+
+
+DEE
+
+  And all the little Oysters stood
+    And waited in a row.
+
+
+DUM
+
+  "A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
+    "Is what we chiefly need.
+
+
+DEE
+
+  Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
+    We can begin to feed."
+
+
+DUM
+
+  "But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
+    Turning a little blue.
+
+
+DEE
+
+  "The night is fine," the Walrus said,
+    "Do you admire the view?"
+
+
+DUM
+
+  The Carpenter said nothing but
+    "Cut us another slice.
+  I wish you were not quite so deaf--
+    I've had to ask you twice!"
+
+
+DEE
+
+  "It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
+    "To play them such a trick,
+  After we've brought them out so far,
+    And made them trot so quick!"
+
+
+DUM
+
+  "O, Oysters," said the Carpenter,
+    "You've had a pleasant run!
+
+
+DEE
+
+  Shall we be trotting home again?"
+
+
+DUM
+
+  But answer came there none--
+
+
+DEE
+
+  And this was scarcely odd, because
+
+
+DUM
+
+  They'd eaten every--
+
+
+DEE
+
+[_Interrupts in a passion, pointing to a white rattle on the ground._]
+
+Do you see _that_?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It's only a rattle--
+
+
+DUM
+
+[_Stamps wildly and tears his hair._]
+
+I knew it was! It's spoilt of course. My nice new rattle!
+
+[_To DEE._]
+
+You agree to have a battle?
+
+[_He collects sauce pans and pots._]
+
+
+DEE
+
+[_Picks up a sauce pan._]
+
+I suppose so. Let's fight till dinner.
+
+[_They go out hand in hand._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Hears music._]
+
+I wonder what is going to happen next.
+
+[_She backs down stage respectfully as the KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS enter,
+followed by the KNAVE OF HEARTS carrying the KING'S crown on a crimson
+velvet cushion, and the WHITE RABBIT and others. When they come opposite
+to ALICE they stop and look at her._]
+
+[_The DUCHESS comes out of her house._]
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+[_To the KNAVE._]
+
+Who is this?
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+KNAVE
+
+[_Bows three times, smiles and giggles._]
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Idiot! What's your name, child?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+My name is Alice, so please your Majesty.
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Off with her head! Off--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Nonsense!
+
+
+KING
+
+Consider, my dear, she is only a child.
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Can you play croquet?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Yes.
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Come on then. Get to your places. Where are the mallets?
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Here.
+
+[_The FROG appears with the flamingoes and hedgehogs._]
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Off with his head!
+
+[_No one pays any attention._]
+
+
+KNAVE
+
+What fun!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What is the fun?
+
+
+KNAVE
+
+Why she; it's all her fancy, that. They never execute anyone.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What does one do?
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Get to your places!
+
+[_She takes a flamingo, uses its neck as a mallet and a hedgehog as a
+ball. The FROG doubles himself into an arch. The KING does the same with
+the followers and the KNAVE offers himself as an arch for ALICE. Even
+though ALICE does not notice him he holds the arch position. The QUEEN
+shouts at intervals, "Off with his head, off with her head."_]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Where are the Chess Queens?
+
+
+RABBIT
+
+Under sentence of execution.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What for?
+
+
+RABBIT
+
+Did you say, "what a pity"?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+No, I didn't. I don't think it's at all a pity. I said, "What for?"
+
+
+RABBIT
+
+They boxed the Queen's ears.
+
+[_ALICE gives a little scream of laughter._]
+
+
+RABBIT
+
+Oh, hush! The Queen will hear you! You see they came rather late and the
+Queen said--Oh dear, the Queen hears me--
+
+[_He hurries away._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Noticing the KNAVE who still pretends to be an arch._]
+
+How _can_ you go on thinking so quietly, with your head downwards?
+
+
+KNAVE
+
+What does it matter where my body happens to be? My mind goes on working
+just the same. The fact of it is, the more head downwards I am, the more I
+keep on inventing new things.
+
+
+KING
+
+Did you happen to meet any soldiers, my dear, as you came through the
+wood?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Yes, I did; several thousand I should think.
+
+
+KING
+
+Four thousand, two hundred and seven, that's the exact number. They
+couldn't send all the horses, you know, because two of them are wanted in
+the game. And I haven't sent the two messengers, either.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What's the war about?
+
+
+KING
+
+The red Chess King has the whole army against us but he can't kill a man
+who has thirteen hearts.
+
+[_The DUCHESS, QUEEN, FROG, and followers go out. The KNAVE and the
+FIVE-SPOT, SEVEN-SPOT, and NINE-SPOT OF HEARTS stand behind the KING._]
+
+
+[Illustration: KING: I only wish I had such eyes; to be able to see
+Nobody!]
+
+
+KING
+
+Just look along the road and tell me if you can see either of my
+messengers.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I see nobody on the road.
+
+
+KING
+
+I only wish I had such eyes; to be able to see Nobody! And at that
+distance too! Why, it's as much as I can do to see real people, by this
+light.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I see somebody now! But he's coming very slowly--and what curious
+attitudes he goes into--skipping up and down, and wriggling like an eel.
+
+
+KING
+
+Not at all, those are Anglo-Saxon attitudes. He only does them when he's
+happy. I must have two messengers, you know--to come and go. One to come
+and one to go.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I beg your pardon?
+
+
+KING
+
+It isn't respectable to beg.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I only meant that I didn't understand. Why one to come and one to go?
+
+
+KING
+
+Don't I tell you? I must have two--to fetch and carry. One to fetch, and
+one to carry.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+[_Enters, pants for breath--waves his hands about and makes fearful faces
+at the KING._]
+
+
+KING
+
+You alarm me! I feel faint--give me a ham sandwich. Another sandwich!
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+There's nothing but hay left now.
+
+
+KING
+
+Hay, then. There's nothing like eating hay when you're faint.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I should think throwing cold water over you would be better.
+
+
+KING
+
+I didn't say there was nothing _better_; I said there was nothing _like_
+it.
+
+
+KING
+
+Who did you pass on the road?
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+Nobody.
+
+
+KING
+
+Quite right; this young lady saw him too. So of course Nobody walks slower
+than you.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+I do my best; I'm sure nobody walks much faster than I do.
+
+
+KING
+
+He can't do that; or else he'd have been here first. However, now you've
+got your breath, you may tell us what's happened in the town.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+I'll whisper it.
+
+[_Much to ALICE'S surprise, he shouts into the KING'S ear._]
+
+They're at it again!
+
+
+KING
+
+Do you call _that_ a whisper? If you do such a thing again, I'll have you
+buttered. It went through and through my head like an earthquake. Give me
+details, quick!
+
+[_The KING and MARCH HARE go out, followed by FIVE, SEVEN, and NINE
+SPOTS._]
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+[_Runs in and tucks her arm affectionately into ALICE'S._]
+
+You can't think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh!
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to
+talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall
+remember it in a bit.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Perhaps it hasn't one.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Tut, tut, child! Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.
+
+[_Squeezes closely, digs her chin into ALICE'S shoulder, and roughly drags
+ALICE along for a walk._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+The game's going on rather better now.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+'Tis so, and the moral of that is--"Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes
+the world go round!"
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Somebody said, that it's done by everybody minding their own business.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Ah, well! It means much the same thing, and the moral of _that_ is--"Take
+care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves."
+
+
+ALICE
+
+How fond you are of finding morals in things.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+I daresay you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your waist. The
+reason is, that I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I
+try the experiment?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+He might bite.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Very true; flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that
+is--"Birds of a feather flock together."
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Only mustard isn't a bird.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Right, as usual; what a clear way you have of putting things.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It's a mineral, I _think_.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Of course it is; there's a large mustard mine near here. And the moral of
+that is--"The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours."
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh! I know, it's a vegetable. It doesn't look like one, but it is.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+I quite agree with you, and the moral of that is--"Be what you would seem
+to be;" or, if you'd like it put more simply, "Never imagine yourself not
+to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or
+might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have
+appeared to them to be otherwise."
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I think I should understand that better if I had it written down, but I
+can't quite follow it as you say it.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+That's nothing to what I could say if I chose.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Oh, don't talk about trouble; I make you a present of everything I've said
+as yet.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Uhm!
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Thinking again?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I've got a right to think.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Just about as much right as pigs have to fly, and the moral--
+
+[_The arm of the DUCHESS begins to tremble and her voice dies down. The
+QUEEN OF HEARTS stands before them with folded arms and frowning like a
+thunderstorm._]
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+A fine day, your Majesty.
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Now, I give you fair warning, either you or your head must be off, and
+that in about half no time. Take your choice!
+
+[_The DUCHESS goes meekly into the house._]
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Let's go on with the game.
+
+[_She goes off and shouts at intervals, "Off with his head; off with her
+head."_]
+
+
+CAT
+
+How are you getting on?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It's no use speaking to you till your ears have come. I don't think they
+play at all fairly and they all quarrel so and they don't seem to have any
+rules in particular. And you've no idea how confusing it is with all the
+things alive; there's the arch I've got to go through next walking about
+at the other end of the ground--and I should have croqueted the Queen's
+hedgehog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine coming.
+
+[_Music begins._]
+
+
+CAT
+
+How do you like the Queen?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Not at all; she's so extremely--
+
+[_The KING, QUEEN and entire court enter. The QUEEN is near to ALICE. The
+music stops and all look at ALICE questioningly._]
+
+[_ALICE tries to propitiate the QUEEN._]
+
+--likely to win,
+
+[_Music continues._]
+
+that it's hardly worth while finishing the game.
+
+[_QUEEN smiles and passes on._]
+
+
+KING
+
+Who _are_ you talking to?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It's a friend of mine--a Cheshire Cat--allow me to introduce it.
+
+
+KING
+
+I don't like the look of it at all; however, it may kiss my hand if it
+likes.
+
+
+CAT
+
+I'd rather not.
+
+
+KING
+
+Don't be impertinent and don't look at me like that.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+A cat may look at a king. I've read that in some book, but I don't
+remember where.
+
+
+KING
+
+Well, it must be removed. My dear! I wish you would have this cat removed.
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Off with his head!
+
+
+KNAVE
+
+But you can't cut off a head unless there's a body to cut it off from.
+
+
+KING
+
+Anything that has a head can be beheaded.
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+If something isn't done about it in less than no time, I'll have everybody
+executed, all round.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It belongs to the Duchess; you'd better ask her about it.
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+It's a lie!
+
+
+CAT
+
+You'd better ask me. Do it if you can.
+
+[_It grins away. The DUCHESS and FROG escape into the house._]
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Cut it off!
+
+
+KING
+
+It's gone.
+
+
+EVERYBODY
+
+It's gone! It's gone! Where, where, where--
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Cut it off. Cut them all off!
+
+
+EVERYBODY
+
+No, no, no!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Save me, save me!
+
+
+KNAVE
+
+[_Shouts to ALICE and gives her a tart for safety._]
+
+Take a tart!
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+[_Seeing ALICE stand out a moment from the others._]
+
+Cut hers off! Cut hers off!
+
+
+OTHERS
+
+[_Glad to distract QUEEN'S attention from themselves._]
+
+Cut hers off, cut hers off, cut--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Cries in fear and takes a quick bite at the tart. If there is a trap
+door on the stage ALICE disappears down it, leaving the crowd circling
+around the hole screaming and amazed. If the stage has no trap door, a
+bridge is built across the footlights with stairs leading down into the
+orchestra pit. When the crowd is chasing ALICE she jumps over the
+footlights onto the bridge and as the curtain is falling dividing her from
+the crowd she appeals to the audience, "Save me, save me, who will save
+me?" and runs down the stairs and disappears._]
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+
+
+ACT III
+
+
+SCENE ONE
+
+_Is a garden of high, very conventional and artificial looking flowers. On
+a large mushroom sits the CATERPILLAR smoking a hookah. ALICE is whirling
+about trying to get her equilibrium after her fall. She goes to the
+mushroom timidly and, conscious of her size, for her chin reaches the top
+of the mushroom, she gazes at the CATERPILLAR wonderingly. He looks at her
+lazily and speaks in a languid voice._
+
+
+CATERPILLAR
+
+Who are you?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I--I hardly know, sir, just at present. The Queen frightened me so and
+I've had an awfully funny fall down a tunnel or a sort of well. At least I
+know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been
+changed several times since then.
+
+
+CATERPILLAR
+
+What do you mean by that? Explain yourself.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself, you see.
+Being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+CATERPILLAR
+
+You! Who are you?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I think you ought to tell me who you are, first.
+
+
+CATERPILLAR
+
+Why?
+
+[_As ALICE turns away._]
+
+Come back. I've something important to say.
+
+[_ALICE comes back._]
+
+Keep your temper.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Is that all?
+
+
+CATERPILLAR
+
+No.
+
+[_He puffs at the hookah in silence; finally takes it out of his mouth and
+unfolds his arms._]
+
+So you think you're changed, do you?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I'm afraid I am, Sir; I don't keep the same size.
+
+
+CATERPILLAR
+
+What size do you want to be?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't know. At least I've never been so small as a caterpillar.
+
+
+CATERPILLAR
+
+[_Rears angrily._]
+
+It is a very good height indeed.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+But I'm not used to it; I wish you wouldn't all be so easily offended.
+
+
+CATERPILLAR
+
+You'll get used to it in time.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Are you too big or am I too small?
+
+[_She compares her height wonderingly with the tall flowers._]
+
+
+CATERPILLAR
+
+[_Looks at her sleepily, yawns, shakes himself, slides down from the
+mushroom and crawls slowly away._]
+
+One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow
+shorter.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+One side of what? The other side of what?
+
+
+CATERPILLAR
+
+Of the mushroom.
+
+[_ALICE hesitates, then embraces mushroom and picks bit from each side._]
+
+[_Three gardeners representing spades enter carrying brushes and red paint
+cans._]
+
+
+TWO-SPOT
+
+Look out now, Five. Don't go splashing paint over me like that.
+
+
+FIVE-SPOT
+
+I couldn't help it. Seven jogged my elbow.
+
+
+SEVEN-SPOT
+
+That's right, Five, always lay the blame on others.
+
+
+FIVE-SPOT
+
+You'd better not talk. I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved
+to be beheaded.
+
+
+TWO-SPOT
+
+What for?
+
+
+SEVEN-SPOT
+
+That's none of your business, Two.
+
+
+FIVE-SPOT
+
+Yes, it is his business, and I'll tell him. It was for bringing the cook
+tulip roots instead of onions.
+
+
+SEVEN-SPOT
+
+Well, of all the unjust things--
+
+[_Sees ALICE; others look around, all bow._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Could you please tell me what side to eat?
+
+[_FIVE and SEVEN look at TWO._]
+
+
+TWO-SPOT
+
+I don't know anything about it.
+
+[_He paints a white rose, red._]
+
+You ought to have been red, we put you in by mistake, and if the Queen was
+to find it out we should all have our heads cut off.
+
+[_A thumping is heard off stage and the music grows louder and louder._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What's that?
+
+
+FIVE-SPOT
+
+The White Chess Queen.
+
+
+SEVEN-SPOT
+
+Don't let her see what we are doing.
+
+
+TWO-SPOT
+
+She'll tell on us.
+
+
+SEVEN-SPOT
+
+Run out and stop her from coming here.
+
+
+FIVE-SPOT
+
+[_To ALICE as she runs to the right._]
+
+No, no, the other way.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+But she's off there!
+
+
+TWO-SPOT
+
+You can only meet her by walking the other way.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh! what nonsense.
+
+
+ALL THE GARDENERS
+
+Go the other way!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Re-enters in dismay and dashes out to the left._]
+
+She's running away from me.
+
+[_The WHITE QUEEN backs in from right and ALICE backs in from left. They
+meet. The gardeners cry "The Queen" and throw themselves flat upon the
+ground; their backs are like the backs of the rest of the pack. Music
+stops. ALICE looks at the QUEEN curiously._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Oh, there you are! Why, I'm just the size I was when I saw you last.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+Of course you are, and who are these? I can't tell them by their backs.
+
+[_She turns them over with her foot._]
+
+Turn over. Ah! I thought so! Get up! What have you been doing here?
+
+
+TWO-SPOT
+
+May it please your Majesty, we were trying--
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+[_Examines rose._]
+
+I see! Begone, or I'll send the horses after you, and tell the Queen of
+Hearts.
+
+[_GARDENERS rush off. The RED QUEEN enters. ALICE has gone to the mushroom
+again to look at its sides and there to her amazement finds a gold crown
+and scepter, which she immediately appropriates. Music. The QUEENS watch
+ALICE superciliously. ALICE puts on her crown, proudly exclaiming in great
+elation, "Queen Alice," and walks down stage bowing right and left to the
+homage of imaginary subjects. She repeats as if scarcely daring to believe
+it true, "Queen Alice." Music stops._]
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Ridiculous!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Isn't this the Eighth Square?
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+You can't be a Queen, you know, till you've passed the proper examination.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+The sooner we begin it, the better.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Please, would you tell me--
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Speak when you're spoken to.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+But if everybody obeyed that rule, and if you only spoke when you were
+spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see
+nobody would ever say anything, so that--
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Preposterous.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I only said "if."
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+She says she only said "if."
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+[_Moans and wrings her hands._]
+
+But she said a great deal more than that. Ah, yes, so much more than that.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+So you did, you know; always speak the truth--think before you speak--and
+write it down afterwards.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I'm sure I didn't mean--
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+That's just what I complained of. You _should_ have meant! What do you
+suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have
+some meaning--and a child's more important than a joke, I hope. You
+couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't deny things with my _hands_.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Nobody said you did. I said you couldn't if you tried.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+She's in that state of mind, that she wants to deny _something_--only she
+doesn't know what to deny!
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+A nasty, vicious temper. I invite you to Alice's dinner party this
+afternoon.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+And I invite _you_.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I didn't know I was to have a party at all; but if there is to be one, I
+think I ought to invite the guests.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+We gave you the opportunity of doing it, but I dare say you've not had
+many lessons in manners yet.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Manners are not taught in lessons; lessons teach you to do sums, and
+things of that sort.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+Can you do addition? What's one and one and one and one and one and one
+and one and one and one and one?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't know. I lost count.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+She can't do addition; can you do subtraction? Take nine from eight.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Nine from eight I can't, you know, but--
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+She can't do subtraction. Can you do division? Divide a loaf by a
+knife--what's the answer to that?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I suppose--
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+[_Answers for her._]
+
+Bread and butter, of course. Try another subtraction sum. Take a bone from
+a dog; what remains?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+The bone wouldn't remain, of course, if I took it--and the dog wouldn't
+remain; it would come to bite me--and I'm sure I shouldn't remain.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Then you think nothing would remain?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I think that's the answer.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Wrong as usual; the dog's temper would remain.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+But I don't see how--
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Why, look here; the dog would lose its temper, wouldn't it?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Perhaps it would.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+They might go different ways! What dreadful nonsense we _are_ talking.
+
+
+BOTH QUEENS
+
+She can't do sums a bit!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Can _you_ do sums?
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+I can do addition, if you give me time--but I can't do _subtraction_ under
+_any_ circumstances.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Of course you know your A, B, C?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+To be sure I do.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+So do I; we'll often say it over together, dear. And I'll tell you a
+secret--I can read words of one letter. Isn't that grand? However, don't
+be discouraged. You'll come to it in time.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Can you answer useful questions? How is bread made?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I know _that_! You take some flour--
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+Where do you pick the flower? In a garden or in the hedges?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Well, it isn't _picked_ at all. It's ground--
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+How many acres of ground? You mustn't leave out so many things.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Fan her head! She'll be feverish after so much thinking.
+
+[_They fan her with bunches of leaves which blow her hair wildly._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Please--please--
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+She's all right again now. Do you know languages? What's the French for
+fiddle-de-dee?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Fiddle-de-dee's not English.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Who ever said it was?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+If you tell me what language fiddle-de-dee is, I'll tell you the French
+for it!
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+Queens never make bargains!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I wish Queens never asked questions!
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+Don't let us quarrel; what is the cause of lightning?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+The cause of lightning is the thunder--no, no! I meant the other way.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+It's too late to correct it; when you've once said a thing, that fixes it,
+and you must take the consequences.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+We had _such_ a thunderstorm next Tuesday, you can't think.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+She _never_ could, you know.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+Part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in--and it went
+rolling round the room in great lumps--and knocking over the tables and
+things--till I was so frightened, I couldn't remember my own name!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I never should _try_ to remember my name in the middle of an accident.
+Where would be the use of it?
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+You must excuse her. She means well, but she can't help saying foolish
+things, as a general rule. She never was really well brought up, but it's
+amazing how good tempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see how pleased
+she'll be! A little kindness and putting her hair in papers would do
+wonders with her.
+
+
+WHITE QUEEN
+
+[_Gives a deep sigh and leans her head on ALICE'S shoulder._]
+
+I _am_ so sleepy!
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+She's tired, poor thing; smooth her hair--lend her your night cap--and
+sing her a soothing lullaby.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I haven't got a night cap with me, and I don't know any soothing
+lullabies.
+
+
+RED QUEEN
+
+I must do it myself, then.
+
+
+[Illustration: ALICE: Do wake up, you heavy things!]
+
+
+  Hush-a-by lady, in Alice's lap!
+  Till the feast's ready, we've time for a nap;
+  When the feast's over, we'll go to the ball--
+  Red Queen and White Queen and Alice and all!
+
+And now you know the words.
+
+[_She puts her head on ALICE'S other shoulder._]
+
+Just sing it through to _me_. I'm getting sleepy too.
+
+[_Both queens fall fast asleep and snore loudly._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What _am_ I to do? Take care of two Queens asleep at once? Do wake up, you
+heavy things!
+
+[_All lights go out, leaving a mysterious glow on ALICE and the queens._]
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+[_Blows trumpet off stage._]
+
+The trial's beginning!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+What trial is it?
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+Who stole the tarts.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I ate a tart.
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+You've got to be tried.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I don't want to be tried.
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+You've got to be tried.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I won't be tried--I won't-I won't!
+
+
+SCENE TWO
+
+_Is a court room suggesting playing cards. The jurymen are all kinds of
+creatures. The KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS are seated on the throne. The
+KNAVE is before them in chains. The WHITE RABBIT has a trumpet in one
+hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the middle of the court
+stands a table with a large dish of tarts upon it._
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+[_Blows three blasts on his trumpet._]
+
+Silence in the court!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Watches jurymen writing busily on their slates._]
+
+What are they doing? They can't have anything to put down yet, before the
+trial's begun.
+
+
+KNAVE
+
+They're putting down their names for fear they should forget them before
+the end of the trial.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Stupid things!
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+Silence in the court!
+
+
+JURORS
+
+[_Write in chorus._]
+
+Stupid things!
+
+
+ONE JUROR
+
+How do you spell stupid?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+A nice muddle their slates will be in before the trial's over.
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+There's a pencil squeaking. Cut it down!
+
+
+JURORS
+
+[_In chorus as they write._]
+
+Squeaking--
+
+
+KING
+
+[_Wears a crown over his wig; puts on his spectacles as he says._]
+
+Herald, read the accusation!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+[_Blows three blasts on his trumpet, unrolls parchment scroll and reads to
+music._]
+
+  The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
+    All on a summer day;
+  The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,
+    And took them quite away!
+
+
+KING
+
+Consider your verdict!
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+Not yet, not yet; there's a great deal to come before that.
+
+
+KING
+
+Call the first witness.
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+First witness!
+
+
+HATTER
+
+[_Comes in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in
+the other._]
+
+I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in, but I hadn't quite
+finished my tea when I was sent for.
+
+
+KING
+
+You ought to have finished; when did you begin?
+
+
+HATTER
+
+[_Looks at the MARCH HARE, who follows him arm-in-arm with the DORMOUSE._]
+
+Fourteenth of March, I _think_ it was.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+Fifteenth.
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+Sixteenth.
+
+
+KING
+
+Write that down.
+
+
+JURY
+
+Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen--forty-five. Reduce that to shillings--
+
+
+KING
+
+Take off your hat.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+It isn't mine.
+
+
+KING
+
+_Stolen!_
+
+
+JURY
+
+Stolen!
+
+
+HATTER
+
+I keep them to sell. I've none of my own. I'm a hatter.
+
+
+QUEEN OF HEARTS
+
+[_Puts on her spectacles and stares at HATTER, who fidgets uncomfortably._]
+
+
+KING
+
+Give your evidence and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the
+spot.
+
+[_The HATTER continues to shift nervously from one foot to the other,
+looks uneasily at the QUEEN, trembles so that he shakes off both of his
+shoes, and in his confusion bites a large piece out of his teacup instead
+of the bread and butter._]
+
+
+HATTER
+
+I'm a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn't but just begun my tea--not
+above a week or so--and what with the bread and butter getting so
+thin--and the twinkling of the tea--
+
+
+KING
+
+The twinkling of _what_?
+
+
+HATTER
+
+It began with the tea.
+
+
+KING
+
+Of course twinkling begins with a T. Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!
+
+
+HATTER
+
+I'm a poor man and most things twinkled after that--only the March Hare
+said--
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+I didn't!
+
+
+HATTER
+
+You did.
+
+
+MARCH HARE
+
+I deny it.
+
+
+KING
+
+He denies it; leave out that part.
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+But what did the Dormouse say?
+
+
+HATTER
+
+That I can't remember.
+
+
+KING
+
+You _must_ remember or I'll have you executed.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+[_Drops teacup and bread and butter and goes down on one knee._]
+
+I'm a poor man, your Majesty.
+
+
+KING
+
+If that's all you know about it you may stand down.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+I can't go no lower; I'm on the floor as it is.
+
+
+KING
+
+Then you may sit down.
+
+
+HATTER
+
+I'd rather finish my tea.
+
+
+KING
+
+You may go.
+
+[_The HATTER goes out hurriedly, leaving one of his shoes behind._]
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+[_Nonchalantly to an officer._]
+
+And just take his head off outside.
+
+[_But the HATTER was out of sight before the officer could get to the
+door._]
+
+
+KING
+
+Call the next witness!
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+Next witness!
+
+[_The DUCHESS enters with a pepper pot, which she shakes about.
+Everybody begins to sneeze. MARCH HARE sneezes and rushes out._]
+
+
+KING
+
+Give your evidence!
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Shan't!
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+Your Majesty must cross-examine _this_ witness.
+
+
+KING
+
+Well, if I must, I must. What does your cook say tarts are made of?
+
+
+DUCHESS
+
+Pepper.
+
+[_The DUCHESS shakes the pot and the court sneezes._]
+
+
+DORMOUSE
+
+Treacle!
+
+[_The DUCHESS shakes the pot at him. He sneezes for the first time._]
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Collar the Dormouse! Behead the Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court!
+Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!
+
+[_The whole court is in confusion, turning the DORMOUSE out, and while
+it is settling down again the DUCHESS disappears._]
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+The Duchess!
+
+
+COURT
+
+She's gone--she's gone.
+
+
+KING
+
+Never mind!
+
+[_In a low tone to the QUEEN._]
+
+Really, my dear, _you_ must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes
+my forehead ache! Call the next witness!
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+[_Fumbles with the parchment, then cries in a shrill little voice._]
+
+Alice!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Here!
+
+
+KING
+
+What do you know about this business?
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Nothing whatever.
+
+
+KING
+
+[_To the jury._]
+
+That's very important.
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+_Un_important, your Majesty means, of course.
+
+
+KING
+
+_Un_important, of course I meant. Important--unimportant--unimportant--
+important. Consider your verdict!
+
+[_Some of the jury write "important" and some write "unimportant."_]
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+There's more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty; this paper has
+just been picked up.
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+What's in it?
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+[_Fumbles with a huge envelope._]
+
+I haven't opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the
+prisoner to--to somebody.
+
+
+KING
+
+It must have been that unless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual,
+you know.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Who is it directed to?
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+It isn't directed at all; in fact, there's nothing written on the
+_outside_.
+
+[_Takes out a tiny piece of paper._]
+
+It isn't a letter at all; it's a set of verses.
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?
+
+[_The jury brightens up._]
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+[_Looks at the KNAVE'S hand. KNAVE hides his hand; the chains rattle._]
+
+No, they're not, and that's the queerest thing about it.
+
+[_The jury looks puzzled._]
+
+
+KING
+
+He must have imitated somebody else's hand!
+
+
+KNAVE
+
+Please, your Majesty, I didn't write it and they can't prove I did;
+there's no name signed at the end.
+
+
+KING
+
+If you didn't sign it that only makes the matter worse. You _must_ have
+meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your name like an honest
+man.
+
+[_At this there is a general clapping of hands._]
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+That _proves_ his guilt.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+It proves nothing of the sort! Why, you don't even know what they're
+about.
+
+
+KING
+
+Read them!
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+[_Puts on his monocle._]
+
+Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?
+
+
+KING
+
+Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end, then stop.
+
+
+WHITE RABBIT
+
+  "They told me you had been to her,
+    And mentioned me to him;
+  She gave me a good character,
+    But said I could not swim.
+
+  "I gave her one, they gave him two,
+    You gave us three or more;
+  They all returned from him to you,
+    Though they were mine before.
+
+  "My notion was that you had been
+    (Before she had this fit)
+  An obstacle that came between
+    Him, and ourselves, and it.
+
+  "Don't let him know she liked him best,
+    For this must ever be
+  A secret, kept from all the rest,
+    Between yourself and me."
+
+
+KING
+
+That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet; so now let
+the jury--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+If anyone of them can explain it, I'll give him sixpence. I don't believe
+there's an atom of meaning in it.
+
+
+JURY
+
+She doesn't believe there's an atom of meaning in it.
+
+
+KING
+
+If there's no meaning in it, that saves a world of trouble, you know, as
+we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't know.
+
+[_Spreads out the verses on his knee and studies them._]
+
+I seem to see some meaning after all. "Said I could not swim." You can't
+swim, can you?
+
+
+KNAVE
+
+[_Shakes his head sadly and points to his suit._]
+
+Do I look like it?
+
+
+KING
+
+All right, so far; "We know it to be true," that's the jury, of course; "I
+gave her one, they gave him two" why that must be what he did with the
+tarts, you know--
+
+
+ALICE
+
+But it goes on "they all returned from _him_ to _you_."
+
+
+KING
+
+[_Triumphantly pointing to the tarts._]
+
+Why, there they are! Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again, "before
+she had this fit," you never had fits, my dear, I think?
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Never!
+
+
+KING
+
+Then the words don't _fit_ you.
+
+[_There is dead silence, while the KING looks around at the court with a
+smile._]
+
+
+KING
+
+It's a pun!
+
+[_Everybody laughs. Music._]
+
+
+KING
+
+Let the jury consider their verdict.
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+No, no! Sentence first--verdict afterwards.
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Stuff and nonsense!
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+[_Furiously._]
+
+Hold your tongue!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+I won't!
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Off with her head!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+Who cares for you?
+
+
+QUEEN
+
+Cut it off!
+
+
+ALICE
+
+You're nothing but a pack of cards!
+
+[_As lights go out and curtain falls all the characters hold their
+positions as if petrified._]
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+SCENE THREE
+
+[_The curtain rises to show ALICE still asleep in the armchair, the fire
+in the grate suffusing her with its glow._]
+
+
+CARROLL
+
+Wake up, Alice, it is time for tea.
+
+[_Off stage the characters repeat their most characteristic lines, "Off
+with her head," "Consider your verdict," "Oh! my fur and whiskers"; the
+DUCHESS sneezes, the cat cries, as if the characters were fading away
+into the pack of real playing cards which shower through the mirror all
+over ALICE. There is music._]
+
+
+ALICE
+
+[_Wakes, rises, and looks about in surprise and wonderment._]
+
+Why----it was a dream!
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Alice in Wonderland, by Alice Gerstenberg
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALICE IN WONDERLAND ***
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