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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105,
+July 15th 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, July 15th 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis  Burnand
+
+Release Date: March 24, 2011 [EBook #35666]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 105, JULY 15TH 1893
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+AN AFTERNOON PARTY.
+
+... "The room is full of celebrities. Do you see that tall woman in
+black, talking to the little old lady? That is Mrs. ARBUTHNOT--a
+woman of some importance--and the other is CHARLEY'S Aunt. The
+sporting-looking young man is Captain CODDINGTON, who is 'in town' for
+the season."
+
+"And who are the two men, exactly alike, tall and dark, who are
+smoking gold-tipped cigarettes, and talking epigrams?" I asked. I like
+to know who people are, and the person in the silver domino seemed
+well-informed.
+
+"Those are Lord ILLINGWORTH, and Lord HENRY WOTTON. They always say
+exactly the same things. They are awfully clever, and cynical. Those
+two ladies talking together are known as NORA and DORA. There's rather
+a curious story about each of them."
+
+"There seems to be one about everyone here," I said.
+
+"Well, it seems that NORA and her husband did not get on very well.
+He thought skirt-dancing morbid. Also, he forgave her for forging
+his name--in type-writing--to a letter refusing to subscribe to a
+wedding-present for Princess MAY. She said a man who would forgive a
+thing like that would forgive anything. So she left the Dolls' House."
+
+"Quite right. Is that not the Comtesse ZICKA? I seem to recognise the
+scent."
+
+"It is--and the beautiful Italian lady is Madame SANTUZZA. One
+meets all sorts of people here, you know; by the way, there's Mrs.
+TANQUERAY."
+
+"Princess SALOME!" announced the servant. A little murmur of surprise
+seemed to go round the room as the lovely Princess entered.
+
+"What _has_ she got on?" asked PORTIA.
+
+"Oh, it's nothing," replied Mr. WALKER, London.
+
+"I thought she was not received in English society," said Lady
+WINDERMERE, puritanically.
+
+"I can assure you, my dears, that she would not be tolerated in
+Brazil, where the nuts come from," exclaimed CHARLEY'S Aunt.
+
+"There's no harm in her. She's only a little peculiar. She is
+particularly fond of boar's head. It's nothing," said Mr. WALKER.
+
+"The uninvitable in pursuit of the indigestible," murmured Lord
+ILLINGWORTH, as he lighted a cigarette.
+
+"Is that mayonnaise?'" asked the Princess SALOME of Captain
+CODDINGTON, who had taken her to the buffet. "I think it is
+mayonnaise. I am sure it is mayonnaise. It is mayonnaise of salmon,
+pink as a branch of coral which fishermen find in the twilight of
+the sea, and which they keep for the King. It is pinker than the pink
+roses that bloom in the Queen's garden. The pink roses that bloom in
+the garden of the Queen of Arabia are not so pink."
+
+"Who's the jaded-looking Anglo-Indian, drinking brandy-and-soda?" I
+asked.
+
+"That is a Plain young man. From the Hills. Which is curious. I am
+much attached to him. By the way, I know who I am. And why I wear a
+silver domino. You don't."
+
+"That's another story," I said. "Let's go to the smoking-room.
+We shall find the Eminent Person, the Ordinary Man, the Poet, the
+Journalist, and the Mere Boy, and they will all say delightful things
+on painful subjects."
+
+"Barry Paynful," suggested the Mere Boy, with his usual impossibility.
+They were trying to "draw" Lord ILLINGWORTH.
+
+"What is a good woman?" asked the Journalist.
+
+"A woman who admires bad men," answered Lord ILLINGWORTH.
+
+"What is a bad man?"
+
+"A man who smokes gold-tipped cigarettes."
+
+"Which would you rather, or go fishing?" inquired the Mere Boy,
+irreverently.
+
+"Because it's a jar, of course. There are two kinds of women, the
+plain and the coloured. But all art is quite useless."
+
+"I say!" exclaimed Lord HENRY, taking from his friend's pocket a
+gold match-box, curiously carved, and wrought with his initials in
+chrysoprases and peridots. "I say, you know, ILLINGWORTH--come--that's
+mine. I said it to DORIAN only the other evening. You're always saying
+my things."
+
+"Well, what then? It is only the obvious and the tedious who object to
+quotations. When a man says life has exhausted him----"
+
+"We know that he has exhausted life."
+
+"Women are secrets, not sphinxes."
+
+"Mine again," exclaimed Lord HENRY.
+
+"It would be useful to carry a little book to note down your good
+things."
+
+"Very useful. And I can forgive a man for making a useful thing as
+long as he does not admire it."
+
+"That's New Humour, isn't it? And you're a New Humourist?" said
+WALKER, satirically. "Why, it's a contradiction in itself! The very
+essence of a joke is, that it should be old. Where would you find
+anything funnier than the riddle, 'When is a door not a door?' and,
+'Why does a miller wear a white hat?' Ah! it won't last--we're bound
+to go back to the 'Old Humour'--there's nothing like it--what is that
+noise?"
+
+"A dispute has arisen in the ladies' cloak-room about a shawl. It's
+frightfully thrilling!" said HILDA WANGEL.
+
+"They seem to be going on anyhow. It's nothing," said WALKER.
+
+It appears that CHARLEY'S Aunt had accused Princess SALOME of taking
+her shawl. The Princess had indignantly thrown it at her, and was
+making rather rude personal remarks about it.
+
+"I don't want your shawl. Your shawl is hideous. It is covered with
+dust. It is a tartan shawl. It is like the shawl worn in melodrama by
+the injured heroine who is about to throw herself over the bridge by
+moonlight. It is the shawl of a betrayed heroine in melodrama. There
+never was anything so hideous as your shawl!"
+
+"Impertinence! To dare to speak to me like this! I'm the success of
+the season, and _you_ were forbidden the country," said CHARLEY'S
+Aunt, furiously.
+
+[Illustration: "The uninvitable in pursuit of the indigestible,"
+murmured Lord Illingworth.]
+
+The second Mrs. TANQUERAY here chimed in, giving her opinion, which
+did not add to the harmony of the gathering, and a secondary quarrel
+was going on, because Captain CODDINGTON had said that the scent
+Comtesse ZICKA used "was not quite up to date," and the latter was
+offended. In fact, there was a regular row all round. NORA banged her
+tambourine, and WALKER playfully pretended to hide his head behind
+Lady WINDERMERE'S fan.
+
+At last, however, we managed to calm the indignant ladies, and the
+party began to break up.
+
+"The fact is," I said, "Society is getting a great deal too mixed.
+Now, I like to go away from an afternoon party feeling a purer and
+better man, my eyes filled with tears of honest English sentiment----"
+
+"Great Scott! don't go on like that. Come and have a drink," said the
+SILVER DOMINO.
+
+"Valour is the better part of indiscretion," murmured Lord
+ILLINGWORTH. "Good-bye, HENRY. It has been a most interesting
+afternoon."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LORD'S AND SANDOWN.
+
+    ["The Eclipse Stakes of 10,000 sovs., to be run at Sandown
+    Park on Friday, July 14, is looked upon as practically a match
+    between Baron DE HIRSCH'S filly, _La Fleche_, and the Duke
+    of WESTMINSTER'S colt, _Orme_."--_Illustrated Sporting and
+    Dramatic News._]
+
+  The match between Eton and Harrow at Lord's
+    This week, which commences on Friday,
+  Because of the sport that it always affords,
+    Will draw a large crowd on that high-day.
+  But the interest taken in drive, cut, or catch,
+    Or as to which school will be beaten,
+  Will be nothing to that in the other great match,
+    The same day, 'tween The Arrow and Eaton.
+
+[Illustration: ROSEBERY TO THE RESCUE!
+
+_Unjust Steward._ "FOILED! BUT NO MATTAH! A TIME WILL COME!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ART OF WAR.
+
+_Inspecting-General (galloping up to Mounted Yeoman, placed on Vedette
+duty)._ "NOW, SIR, WHAT ARE YOU?"
+
+_Yeoman._ "WELL, I DO A LITTLE BIT I' PIGS, SIR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROSEBERY TO THE RESCUE!
+
+_Or, the Young Squire, the Unjust Steward, and the Grateful Ratepayer.
+An Urban Drama, as lately performed at the County Hall, Spring
+Gardens._
+
+
+(_Enter_ Steward, _bearing plans of a splendid, and expensive,
+Palace_.)
+
+_Steward (looking lovingly upon plan)._ Aha! Now shall I triumph,
+despite mean Moderates, and cheese-paring Economists, and reluctant
+Ratepayers. GR-R-R! how I hate the whole penurious brood! Housed
+appropriately I must and will be, though Rate Incidence be as yet
+ill-adjusted, and that blessed word Betterment be but an ear-soothing
+sound. But hold!--she comes!
+
+_Enter_ Injured, but Beauteous, Ratepayer, _wringing her hands_.
+
+_I. but B. R. (aside)._ Hah! Whom have we here? Merciless Master
+D-CK-NS-N, as I'm a living woman! Was't not enough that Vestries
+should vex me, Boards o'erburden me, Pedagogues oppress, and Precepts
+perplex, but _he_ too must turn against me? (_Aloud._) Give you good
+den, Master D.! Hast news of comfort for me?
+
+_Steward (harshly)._ Woman, I know not what _thou_ wilt deem news of
+comfort. But if a superb site and a splendid structure (_pointing to
+Plan_) have charms for thy something straitened and sordid soul, then,
+verily----
+
+_I. but B. R. (shrieking as she catches sight of the Plan, and the
+fair round Figures attached thereto)._ Alas, Mr. Steward! 'tis,
+as thou sayst, superb--splendid--and, what is more, prodigiously
+_expensive_ withal! It is _magnifique_, but it is _not_--Economy!
+
+_Steward (scornfully)._ Expensive? Pooh! What matters a Million or
+twain so London's Guardians be well housed?
+
+_I. but B. R._ But, in the words of the old game, where's the money
+to come from? Moreover, is it not understood that _all_ Metropolitan
+Improvements be postponed till such time as those ghouls of
+ground-renters, those ogres of property-owners, are compelled
+proportionally to disgorge?
+
+_Steward._ Ahem! Truly so! But verily _this_ matter is exceptional
+and urgent. "Who drives fat oxen should himself be fat;" and they
+who superintend the People's housing should surely themselves be
+adequately, not to say magnificently, housed. As to the money--why,
+fear not for thy pockets Dame, which are not yet utterly depleted by
+that Briarean blood-sucker, BUMBLE. Why, we shall right soon save the
+money in cab-fares, and--ahem!--other comforts and conveniences
+for our committees, not to mention the purchasing of supplementary
+tenements "at the rate of two houses a year." Oh, be content, Dame;
+pay up, and look pleasant! (_Imperatively._)
+
+_I. but B. R. (frantically)._ Alas! Is there, then, no hope? Will _no_
+one bring a rescue or two? "Oh, where is County (Council) Guy?"
+
+_Enter the_ Young Squire, _hastily_.
+
+_Young Squire (hurriedly arrived from heavy business and urgent
+elsewhere, but impelled by a sense of public duty to intervene on
+this occasion)._ HERE!! (_Chord._) Be consoled, Dame--_I_ will protect
+thee! And for thee, Sir Steward, what the mischief art up to, with thy
+Aladdin Palaces, and thine Odd Millions?
+
+_Steward (confused, and displaying Plan)._ Why, my lord--deeming
+it befitting--that so illustrious and important and ubiquitously
+influential a Body--as--Ourselves--should have a Local Habitation--as
+well as a Name--I have prepared--this little Plan--which, with the
+aid--of "a little cheque"--say for a trifle of Two Millions----
+
+_Young Squire (snatching Plan from his grasp and gazing angrily
+thereon)._ Aha! A veritable Castle in the Air! An Arabian Nights'
+Phantom Palace!! The House that Jack (in Office) _would have_ built!!!
+(_Tears it, and treads it under foot._) Nay, Sir Steward, thou hast
+much misunderstood thy trust. The housing of the poor, rather than of
+the rich, is thy prime function. Attend first to this little list of
+Metropolitan Improvements, which cannot be unfamiliar to thine ears
+and eyes. Or if _they_ must perforce be postponed until the attainment
+of "a fairer adjustment of the incidence of taxation," prythee, _a
+fortiori_, postpone also until that uncertain date this precious
+scheme for an expensive Municipal Palace, and this premature and
+impudent assault upon an already sufficiently depleted Pocket!
+
+_I. but B. R. (clasping her hands in gratitude)._ Ah, thanks, noble
+youth! Heaven reward thee for thy magnanimous championship of the poor
+gyurl's purse!
+
+_Steward (aside)._ Foiled!!! But no mattah! a time will come!!!
+
+(_Curtain._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"M. G." AND "G. M."--The first whispered proposal is, we believe,
+generally formulated thus, "May I then hope? May I?" But H.R.H. the
+Duke of YORK'S proposal must have been even more simple than this,
+for hope being changed into certainty, there was only the whispered
+question, "MAY GEORGE?" and the gentle answer, "GEORGE MAY." Then--all
+ended happily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POLICE PHRASE-BOOK.
+
+AS USED IN FRANCE.
+
+I have no time to answer questions.
+
+The slightest protest will mean arrest.
+
+You will cause me to draw my sword.
+
+I have a loaded revolver.
+
+We must take that barricade.
+
+We must obtain the help of the army.
+
+We can assist bayonets with bullets.
+
+We have no cause to succour the wounded.
+
+We must preserve order.
+
+And, to do this, we cry, "Long live France! Fire upon any one!
+Charge!"
+
+AS USED IN ENGLAND.
+
+The first turning to the left. Sir, and then keep straight on until
+you meet another constable--then ask again.
+
+You have taken too much; you had better go home quietly. Shall I call
+a cab?
+
+Now don't forget you are a gentleman, Sir, but help me to do my duty.
+
+Now, coachman, wait a moment. Must let these pass before you can come.
+
+We don't want any help, Sir. Why the crowd's as meek as sheep and as
+good natured as sandboys.
+
+Here, Sir, you have had an awkward tumble. Let me hold you up while my
+mate goes for an ambulance.
+
+We must preserve order.
+
+And to do this we have only to observe "move on."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARLIAMENTARY.--Change of name. Mr. CONYBEARE henceforth to be known
+as "CONYBORE," with the accent on the "_bore_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TOO AWFUL TO CONTEMPLATE!
+
+_A Confidence. After the Garden Party_.
+
+
+"OH, SUCH A DREADFUL THING HAPPENED TO ME! I WENT UP TO LADY EXE,--I
+HAD SOMETHING VERY PARTICULAR TO SAY TO HER,--AND I DIDN'T SEE SHE WAS
+TALKING TO ONE OF THE ROYAL PRINCES. WELL, JUST FANCY! I TOOK NO SORT
+OF NOTICE OF HIM, BUT I JUST SAID WHAT I HAD TO SAY TO _HER_. WHEN
+I DISCOVERED WHAT I HAD DONE, I CALLED ON LADY EXE, AND I SAID, 'I'M
+AFRAID HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS WILL BE AWFULLY ANNOYED WITH ME.' AND DEAR
+LADY EXE QUITE COMFORTED ME, YOU KNOW. SHE SAID, 'IF I WERE YOU, I
+WOULDN'T TROUBLE MYSELF ABOUT IT. HE WON'T TAKE ANY NOTICE OF IT; AS
+REALLY, MY DEAR, _PEOPLE HAVE SUCH BAD MANNERS NOWADAYS!_'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROPHETIC DIARY OF THE L.C.C.
+
+(_For the Next Ten Years._)
+
+1894. Scheme accepted for building Hotel de Ville at a cost of
+L3,000,000.
+
+1895. Purchase of Kensington Gardens as a Recreation-ground for the
+Improvement Committee.
+
+1896. The Council buys St. Paul's Cathedral as a Private Chapel for
+the marriage of its members and their families.
+
+1897. Completion of _The Bumble_ Steam-yacht of the L. C. C., costing
+L100,000.
+
+1898. Uniforms for the Members ordered at an expense of L500,000.
+
+1899. Purchase of a Crown and other Jewels for the Chairman on State
+occasions.
+
+1900. The Palaces erected for occupation by the Members in Eaton,
+Belgrave, Grosvenor, and Berkeley Squares acquired and taken into use.
+
+1901. A sum not exceeding L5,000,000 voted by the L. C. C. for statues
+commemorating themselves, their wives, and their families.
+
+1902. Resolution carried by acclamation confiscating the entire sum
+received from the ratepayers for the L. C. C. Secret Service Fund.
+
+1903. Petition for Metropolitan Improvement unanimously rejected.
+
+1904. Act abolishing the L. C. C. passed in Parliament at a single
+sitting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"COMMONS PRESERVATION SOCIETY."--A most useful body, no doubt. "But,"
+asks Lord T. NODDIE, "as our Upper House is so often threatened, why
+isn't there a "Lords Preservation Society?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DANCE TILL DAWN.
+
+  Charming maidens, smiling brightly,
+  Moving gracefully and lightly
+                      As the fawn,
+  Linger still, let me invite you,
+  Surely on this short June night you
+                      Dance till dawn.
+
+  Till the early bird will get the
+  Worm, and seaside shrimpers net the
+                      Shrimp or prawn.
+  Whilst they print the morning paper,
+  Let us glide and whirl and caper
+                      Till the dawn.
+
+  Till, with waking chirp of sparrows,
+  Early costermongers' barrows
+                      Forth are drawn.
+  Till the candles flare and gutter.
+  And the daylight, through the shutter,
+                      Peeps at dawn;
+
+  Till the cock is crowing; listen!
+  And the dainty dewdrops glisten
+                      On the lawn;
+  Till my pretty partner's posies,
+  Made of June's delightful roses,
+                      Droop at dawn;
+
+  Till my collar's limp and flabby--
+  Then I hail the sleepy cabby,
+                      As I yawn;
+  Home, to dream of sweet cheeks blushing
+  Like the sky, now rosy flushing
+                      At the dawn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRES BEAU-TANICAL.--An Aladdin-like Magic-Lamp and Magic-Lantern
+Night at the Botanical Gardens on Wednesday. A thousand additional
+traditional lamps. The Flower of the Aristocracy, being at the State
+Ball, is represented by the Aristocracy of Flowers (in the absence
+of Lord and Lady BATTERSEA, without whom no Floral _Fete_ can be
+absolutely perfect) in every part of these beautiful gardens. Bands
+playing; but not sufficient distance between them, so that when they
+performed, simultaneously, entirely different tunes, the effect was
+far from soothing to the listeners' nerves. Why not adopt the plan
+admirably carried out at the Marlborough House Garden Party, where one
+band having finished, another, at a distance, commenced? Why among the
+harmony of colours at the Botanical should there be produced by the
+conflict of two tunes, taken in different times, but played at the
+same moment, an inharmonious whole?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADIES' FASHIONS.--Extremes: _Minimum_--Bonnet; a ribbon and rosette.
+_Maximum_--Hat; a Flower Garden on a Yard of Straw.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN NYMPH'S REPLY TO THE PASSIONATE SHEPHERD.
+
+  If times were as when time was young,
+  And reason ruled each shepherd's tongue,
+  Thy pretty speeches might me move,
+  To live with thee, and be thy love.
+
+  But times are changed in field and fold,
+  At shocking prices sheep are sold,
+  And farmers look exceeding glum,
+  Foreboding darker days to come.
+
+  The weeds do choke the thriftless fields,
+  No profit now the harvest yields;
+  Honey is sought, but only gall
+  Is found, for still the prices fall.
+
+  Thy pinks, thy stocks, thy Provence roses,
+  Are pretty, and I'm fond of posies;
+  But wages may not long be gotten
+  When folly's rife, and business rotten.
+
+  A man of straw thy master seems,
+  No grain of sense is in thy dreams,
+  And my Papa would not approve
+  Even if I would be thy love.
+
+  But, when times mend, sheep-farms succeed,
+  And all on English mutton feed,
+  Ask me again, and thou may'st move,
+  To live with thee, and be thy love.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Tuesday, July 4. State Visit to the Opera._--Yes, "TODGERS'S could do
+it when it liked," as CHARLES DICKENS remarked in _Martin Chuzzlewit_,
+and Sir COVENTGARDENSIS DRURIOLANUS can do it when _he_ likes, rather!
+The front of the house is quite a "mask of flowers," which the
+Master of the Gray's Inn Revels, himself present in a gorgeous and
+awe-inspiring uniform, regards with a benign and appreciative smile.
+Interesting to note a number of ordinarily quiet and unobtrusive
+individuals, personally known to me as the mildest-mannered men,
+who now appear as the fiercest, and, on such a night, the hottest of
+warriors; seeing that if it is 98 in the shade, the temperature must
+be ten degrees higher to those who are buttoned up to the chin in a
+military uniform, with straps, belts, buckles, boots, weighted
+too with a dangling, clattering sword, and having to carry about a
+thickly-furred hat, with a plume in it like a shaving-brush, that
+obstinately refuses to be hung up, or sat upon, or put out of sight,
+in any sort of way whatever, and which, like a baby in arms, must be
+carried,--or dropped. The Venetians on the stage in all their mediaeval
+bravery are not arrayed like one of these simple English yeomen, for,
+as I am given to understand, to that glorious body of our country's
+agricultural defenders do these dashing Hussars, in their Hessian-fly
+boots, belong! Ah! with such warriors England is safe!
+
+[Illustration: "Pas de Druriolanus; or, All among the Roses."]
+
+Then there are what _Mr. Weller_ would have termed "My Prooshan
+Blues," and likewise the diplomatic Muscovite, in hard-looking cap,
+blue, naval-looking coat, and (apparently) flannel boating trousers,
+falling, rather short, on to ordinary boots, with plain unornamental
+spurs; a costume which, on the whole, suggests that its wearer, at
+the command of the Autocrat of all the Russias, must be ready at a
+second's notice to execute a forced march, dance a hornpipe, run as
+a footman, take somebody up as a policeman, head a cavalry charge, or
+(still in spurs) steer a torpedo boat on its dangerous errand. Opera
+going strong, with the DE FRISKY Bros. & Co. The Last Act (by Royal
+Command) is omitted, and so for the first time in dramatic history the
+story of _Romeo and Juliet_ ends as happily as possible. The lovers
+are only interrupted by the fall of the curtain, and there are no
+sleeping draughts, poisonings, or burials. It is a realisation of the
+line in _The Critic_, "In the Queen's name I charge you all to drop
+your swords and daggers!" Only the order is given in the Princess's
+name, and the swords, daggers, and deadly draughts are all dropped
+accordingly. Greatest possible success. _Gloria_ DRURIOLANO!
+
+_Friday Night._--First performance of _I Rantzau_, and first-rate
+performance, too. The Plot is simply a Plot of Land. Scene laid--laid
+for seven _dramatis personae_--in a Vague Village of the Vosges; time,
+present century. The Rantzaus are the Capulets and Montagues of this
+district; the son of one faction is in love with the daughter of the
+other; but it doesn't end tragically, and the lovers marry. That's
+all. It was played as a Drama at the Francais, with GOT in it; when
+subsequently it was turned into an Opera, it had the "Go" taken out of
+it. DE LUCIA, ANCONA, CASTELMARY, BISPHAM, and CORSI doing their very
+best, as do also the lamplighter and his assistant, who deftly perform
+their "Wagnerian watchman" "business" to characteristic music. Mlle.
+BAUERMEISTER great in a small part; and Madame MELBA does her very
+best with the singularly uninteresting part of _Luisa_, who is a very
+"Limited Loo." Signor MASCAGNI conducted the Opera, and was himself
+conducted on to the stage as often as possible in order to receive
+the congratulations of his "friends in front." _I Rantzau_ not "in it"
+with MASCAGNI'S _Cavalleria_, which, like the Rantzau family at the
+end of the piece, "still holds the field." Thermometer 95 deg. in the
+stalls. House animated and appreciative.
+
+_Saturday._--_Les Huguenots._ Grand Cast. Thermometer down again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DITTY OF THE DOG-DAYS.
+
+  Ninety-one in the shade, by NEGRETTI and ZAMBRA!
+      'Tis O that I dwelt in an ice-crevasse,
+      Or rented a share in the _Mer de Glace_,
+      Or hired (ere I melt and resolve to gas)
+  That _patio_ cool in the chill Alhambra
+    (Not "Lei-ces-ter Squarr," but Granada far),
+    Where fountains sprinkle and plash and tinkle--
+      Ay me! that my dream can ne'er come to pass!
+  "Fourteen hours of the sun!" says the "Jordan Recorder"--
+      Each day it grows hotter in London town!
+      The plane-trees are withered and burnt and brown;
+      Ere Lammas has come the leaves are down!
+  The months have been mixed--they're out of order;
+    We'd the weather of June six weeks too soon;
+    And now we swelter and gasp for shelter--
+      We're grilled alive from toe to crown!
+  There's drought in the fields, and drought in my gullet!
+      I would that I sat in a boundless tank
+      Of claret and soda, and drank and drank!
+      My thirst with PANTAGRUEL'S own would rank--
+  Gargantuan draughts alone may lull it!
+    A shandygaff "chute" _a la_ BOYTON would suit,
+    Or of Pilsener lager a Nile or Niagara--
+      Would that it through my [oe]sophagus sank!
+  I'd long to be NANSEN, that bold Norwegian,
+      Who's off to the north like a sailor-troll;
+      Dry land I prefer in my inmost soul,
+      And his tub-like _Fram_ will pitch and roll,
+  But she's bound at least for a glacial region!
+    Or stay, to be sure! here's Professor D----R
+    To cold can consign us untold degrees _minus_--
+      There's no need to visit the Northern Pole!
+  With this decuman "heat-wave" I grow delirious,
+      And babble a prayer to the Maid who sways
+      The Weather-department (on working-days)
+      Of the _Daily Graphic_--in crazy phrase--
+  The bale-fire to quench of far-distant Sirius!
+    To the Man in the Moon at noon I croon
+    For a lunatic boon, if that lone buffoon
+    Can stay this canicular, perpendicular,
+    Bang-on-my-forehead, horrid, torrid,
+    Beaming, gleaming, and ever-streaming
+      Blaze of rays that maze and daze!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE.
+
+I have long nown as how as the present LORD MARE was one of the werry
+nicest, as well as one of the werry liberallists, of Lord Mares as we
+has had for many years, but I most suttenly did not kno, till larst
+Saturday, that, noticing, as he must have done, how shamefoolly
+the County Counsellors is a trying for to destroy the grand old
+Copperation, and take pusession of Gildhal and the Manshun House, he
+had the courage to assemble round his ospiterbel Table all the most
+princiblest of the great writers of our wunderful and powerful Press,
+and let them judge for theirselves whether sich a hinstitootion as he
+represented was worth preserwin or not! Ah, that was sumthink like a
+Bankwet that was! Why amost eweryboddy was there as was anyboddy. And
+the ony trubble as that caused was, that they was all so jolly glad
+to meet each other, under sitch unusual suckemstances, that nothink on
+airth coud keep em quiet, no, not ewen when the Amerrycan Embassader
+torked to em for about arf a nour!
+
+One of the most distinguist of the skollars as I was waiting on told
+one of the most butiful Painters, in my hearing, as how he thort
+it wood be rayther a wise thing of all future Lord Mares if they
+himmitated the present LORD MARE'S exampel; and I wentur, with all
+umility, to say Ditto to the distinguisht Skoller. ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GE-O-M-ETRICALLY CONSIDERED.--The illuminations were as good as they
+could be everywhere. The brilliant initials, "G. M.," wanted nothing
+to render them perfect. If that want had been supplied, then,
+as "nothing" is represented by a cipher, the initials would have
+commemorated the G. _O._ M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM HENLEY TO THE OPERA ON THE NIGHT OF THE STATE PERFORMANCE.--"Rich
+and rare were the gems they wore;" and two ladies, with magnificent
+tiaras, if they had only shown up at Henley, would have won the prize
+for "_The Diamond Skulls_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. R. caught sight of a heading in a daily paper--"Board of Trade
+Returns." Our old friend at once exclaimed. "Then where has the Board
+of Trade been to? Where is it returning from? I really don't call this
+attending to business."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
+
+_Tommy_ (_on his way to the Browns' Juvenile Garden Party_). "NOW,
+NURSE, REMEMBER, WHEN ONCE WE'VE PASSED THAT GARDEN GATE, _YOU DON'T
+BELONG TO ME!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FATHER WILLIAM.
+
+(_Latest Anglo-Teutonic Version, as repeated to the Caterpillar of
+State by Alice, in Blunderland, from vague and mixed reminiscences of
+Southey, Lewis Carroll, and the Reports of the Debates in the British
+Parliament and the German Reichstag, concerning the Home-Rule Bill and
+the Army Bill respectively._)
+
+"I'm afraid I am changed, Sir." said ALICE; "I can't remember things
+as I used--and I don't keep to the same author for ten minutes
+together!"
+
+"Can't remember _what_ things?" said the Caterpillar of State.
+
+"Well, I've tried to sing '_Rule, Britannia_', but it all came
+different, and got mixed up with '_The Watch on the Rhine_!'" ALICE
+replied, in a very melancholy voice.
+
+"Repeat '_You are old, Father William_,'" said the Caterpillar of
+State.
+
+ALICE folded her hands, and began:--
+
+  "Good-morrow!" the youth to the Woodcutter cried;
+    "Father WILLIAM, you're 'sniggling,' I see!"
+  With a smile of bland 'cuteness the Old Man replied,
+    "Master WILLIAM, good morrow! I _be_!"
+
+    "You are old, Father WILLIAM," the young KAISER said,
+  "And your hair, what there is of it, 's white;
+  And yet you still stand at the Government's head--
+    Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
+
+  "Some twenty years since," Father WILLIAM replied,
+    "I'd a passionate wish to retire;
+  But as I grow younger each year, I have tried
+    To subdue that untimely desire."
+
+  "You are old," said the youth, "yet your seat appears firm,
+    You are still pretty good over timber;
+  Your double back somersaults make your foes squirm.
+    What keeps you so nimble and limber?"
+
+  "In my youth," said the Senior, "I kept all my limbs--
+    And some say my principles--supple;
+  And that's why old age neither stiffens nor dims,
+    And years with alertness I couple."
+
+  "You are old," said the youth, "and your 'jaw' should be weak,
+    I've often heard BIZZY pooh-pooh it.
+  Yet you polish off JOE, and tap GOSCHEN'S big beak;
+    Pray, how do you manage to do it?"
+
+  "In _my_ youth," said the Sage, "Fair Debate was the law,
+    And genuine Eloquence rife;
+  And so in an age of mere Brummagem 'jaw'
+    I can still hold my own in the strife."
+
+  "You are old," said the youth; "one would hardly suppose
+    That your eye was as steady as ever;
+  Yet you balance that eel on the end of your nose--
+    What makes you so awfully clever?"
+
+  "_You_ are young," smiled old WILL; "you don't yet understand.
+    The point--of the eel--you'd be missing;
+  But when you're an Old Parliamentary Hand
+    You will find it as easy as kissing!"
+
+  "I've caught an eel, also," observed the young 'sniggler,'
+    "_I_'m not, like you, beaked _a la_ Toucan;
+  Mine's still smaller than yours, and a terrible wriggler;
+    I wish I could work it as _you_ can!"
+
+  "The equilibrist's art," the Old Juggler replied,
+    "Is not to be learned in a jiffy.
+  With the help of your Eyes (_Ayes_), and your Nose (_Noes_), and good 'side,'
+    You _may_ win--if you do not turn 'squiffy.'"
+
+"That is not said right," said the Caterpillar of State.
+
+"Not _quite_ right, I'm afraid," said ALICE, timidly; "some of the
+words have got altered."
+
+"It is wrong from beginning to end," said the Caterpillar, decidedly;
+and there was silence for some minutes.
+
+[Illustration: "FATHER WILLIAM."
+
+  "YOU ARE OLD," SAID THE YOUTH; "ONE WOULD HARDLY SUPPOSE
+    THAT YOUR EYE WAS AS STEADY AS EVER;
+  YET YOU BALANCE THAT EEL ON THE END OF YOUR NOSE--
+    WHAT MAKES YOU SO AWFULLY CLEVER?"
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ORATOR "POUR RIRE."
+
+(A STUDY IN HYDE PARK.)
+
+_The Scene is that Forum for Fadmongers--the angle of the Park
+fronting Cumberland Gate. A large and utterly irreverent crowd is
+listening with cheerful intolerance to a Persevering Gentleman, of a
+highly respectable and almost scholarly appearance, who is addressing
+them from a three-legged stool on nothing in particular, though he has
+apparently committed himself by charging a certain Statesman with at
+least two political murders._
+
+_The Orator_ (_haltingly_). We who are fighting the
+battle--(_uproarious laughter from_ Crowd, _which he endures with
+dignified resignation_)--I say--we who are fighting the battle!
+
+_The Crowd._ 'Oo's talking about fightin' a battle?... _You_ wouldn't
+be 'ere if there was any battles about! 'E's a fair ole fraud, 'e
+is--that's about 'is sort! Shet up, you idiotic ole ass, do! (&c.,
+&c.)
+
+_The Orator_ (_patiently_). I say once more--we who are fighting
+the----(_Howls of derision, at which he smiles, but perceives,
+regretfully, that the battle must be abandoned._) One of my friends
+here has seen fit to describe me as an idiotic old ass. ("_So you
+are!_") Well, I am glad, at least, that he pronounced it _ass_ with
+the vowel short, and not ass, for it shows that he has at least a
+certain regard for the Queen's English (_The_ Crowd _hasten to
+give the vowel sound all the breadth in their power_). I think I
+was--(_here he consults a sheaf of notes_)--offering some remarks upon
+Mr. WILLIAM WOBLER. Now we are told, "Speak evil of no man!"
+
+_The Crowd._ That's a good un! 'Oo spoke evil of Mr. BAGWIND jest now?
+
+_The Orator_ (_mildly hurt_). I never said a single unkind word about
+Mr. BAGWIND!
+
+_The Crowd._ Yer lie! Why, didn't you say as he murdered JETTISON and
+SCAPEGOAT? Wot yer call _that_, eh?
+
+_The Orator._ I may have made some such observation--but far be it
+from me to speak evil of any man. If I spoke evil, it was on public
+grounds. I should scorn to attack any individual in his private
+character. I think I have satisfactorily answered _that_ matter. And I
+tell you this--it is largely owing to me that Mr. WILLIAM WOBLER owes
+his seat in Parliament to-day! (_His hearers receive this with frank
+incredulity._) Ah, but it _is_, though, and I denounce him, as I have
+denounced him before, and _shall_ denounce him while I have power to
+raise my voice, as a man who has proved himself utterly unworthy of
+the efforts I have made on his behalf. Some people are saying they
+want THOMAS TIDDLER in North Paddington. I say--_Never!_ Not as long
+as I've breath in my body shall THOMAS TIDDLER be returned for any
+constituency! No, gentlemen: here I stand before you, with no money,
+and only one lung. I have rich and high relations, to whom I might
+apply for relief if I condescended to do so; but I scorn to abase
+myself in any such manner. I prefer to appeal to you, the people of
+London. It's a disgrace--a public disgrace--that you people should
+allow such a man as myself to walk the streets without food! (_A
+voice._ "Why don't yer _work_?") Work? Am I _not_ working? Am I not in
+my proper place here to-night?
+
+_The Crowd_ (_with hearty unanimity_). No!
+
+_The Orator_ (_with exultation_). Then support me in the name of all
+you hold dear! I have my work to accomplish, and I _shall_ accomplish
+it by the aid of the People's pence, by the aid of the People's
+sixpences,--aye, and by the aid of the People's _shillings_! _Will_
+you help me?
+
+_The Crowd_ (_more heartily than ever_). No!
+
+_The Orator._ Then I will now proceed to make a collection.
+
+[_He descends from his stool, and circulates among the crowd
+proffering a highly respectable hat. A_ Rival Orator _mounts the
+stool; he has a straw hat, side whiskers, and a style of concentrated
+and withering invective_.
+
+_The Rival Orator_ (_fluently, and with much enjoyment of his own
+eloquence_). I shall preface what I have to say by protesting in the
+strongest terms at my disposal against the most disgraceful attack we
+have had the pain of listening to to-night, against the character of
+a Statesman we all revere, by the unspeakably offensive and degraded
+individual with a black coat, a clean collar, and only one lung,
+who has just concluded his contemptible remarks, and is now debasing
+himself, if possible, still further by going round cringing, actually
+cringing, for the miserable halfpence which he hopes his foul-mouthed
+virulence will extract from the more foolish among his hearers!
+(_Applause at this spirited opening; the_ First Orator _imperturbably
+continues to protrude his hat_.) I have no hesitation in saying that
+if such language as he has favoured us with was uttered against a
+public man in any other community, in any other country, in any other
+hemisphere in the civilized globe, the audience would have risen in
+righteous indignation, and chased the cowardly aggressor back to
+the vile den from whose obscurity he would have done better never to
+emerge! Gentlemen, he has appealed to your sympathy on the ground,
+forsooth, that he has only one lung! I venture to assert that it is
+nothing short of a public calamity that he _is_ the possessor of
+one lung; for had he none at all, he would have been incapable of
+outraging the general intelligence by the utterance of such sentiments
+as he has disgusted you by this evening. When I first became
+acquainted with this man, before he had sunk into the besotted state
+in which he now wallows, he used, I remember, to condemn the practice
+of making a public collection. Now I've never been against that
+practice myself. _I_ hold that a man who is capable of attracting
+an audience by such gifts of oratory as he may possess, is perfectly
+justified in making a collection afterwards, whether he requires the
+money or not. But this person has become so degraded, so destitute of
+any sense of honour, so soaked and sodden with gin, that he now turns
+round on the principles he once professed, and is to be seen going
+round with a hat laden with the coppers of those who are infinitely
+worse off than--judging from his dress and prosperous appearance--he
+evidently is himself!
+
+_The First Orator_ (_exhibiting his empty hat_). It don't look much
+like it at present, GABBITT!
+
+_Mr. Gabbitt._ He has boasted to you of having rich relations, and
+said he scorned to apply to them. I want to know why, instead of
+coming here begging to you, he _don't_ go to them?
+
+_The First Orator._ I've _been_, GABBITT.
+
+_Mr. G._ (_triumphantly_). You hear? he's been to them. That proves
+they've found him out; they know him for the grovelling soaker he is,
+a wretch tottering on the verge of delirium tremens, and, rightly,
+they'll have nothing to do with him. It's very possible, gentlemen,
+that he _may_ have rich relations in the place where most of us have
+rich relations--I refer to the workhouse! (_Cheers and laughter._)
+And it is this wretch, this indescribable mixture of meanness and
+malignity, who has dared to come here and charge Mr. BAGWIND with
+crime! He asked you--and let him not deny it now--"What about Mr.
+SCAPEGOAT?" Well, there may be a good many things about Mr. SCAPEGOAT,
+but what I tell _you_ is--an observation like that is one that doesn't
+convey any concrete idea whatever; in short, it is the observation of
+a drivelling and confirmed lunatic!
+
+[Illustration: "I say--_Never!_"]
+
+_Voice in the Crowd._ With on'y one lung; don't forgit that, ole man!
+
+_Mr. G._ (_magnanimously_). No, I've done with his lung, now; it
+doesn't do to carry personalities too far, and I've disposed of that
+already, and have no desire to return to it. And, as I observe that
+the wretched object of the strictures which I have felt it my duty
+to express, has concluded his efforts with the hat, and met with the
+freezing contempt and indifference which are only to be expected from
+intelligent and fair-minded men like yourselves, I will now bring my
+exposure of the sophistries, the base insinuations, and the
+incoherent maunderings which he had the effrontery to impose upon your
+understandings as argument, to a premature close, and proceed to make
+a collection on my own account, and thereby afford you the opportunity
+of showing on which side your real sympathies and your confidence are
+enlisted.
+
+[_He goes round with the straw hat, which his delighted audience fill
+liberally with the coppers that the previous speaker has ignominiously
+failed to extract from them. But the tender-hearted Reader may be
+relieved to hear that, as soon as the crowd has dispersed, the victor
+shares the proceeds of his eloquence in the handsomest manner with his
+adversary, who shows a true elevation of mind in betraying no
+abiding resentment at his oratorical defeat. So may all such contests
+terminate--as, for that matter, they generally do._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE PLAY IS NOT THE THING."
+
+(_A Farce which is running in most of the London Theatres, but which
+should not be tolerated for a single Night._)
+
+SCENE--_Auditorium of the T. R.----during the performance of a Modern
+Comedy. Enter a party of four_ Playgoers _into private box_.
+
+_First Playgoer._ Rather a pity it has begun! I always like to see a
+play from first to last. Don't you?
+
+_Second P._ Quite. So much more interesting. Of course if you don't
+catch what they say at first, how on earth can you catch the idea of
+the plot?
+
+_Third P._ Not that the plot matters much nowadays. All dialogue,
+don't you know? Smart hits at somebody, and all that sort of thing.
+
+_Fourth P._ Quite. Really better fun than the other sort of thing.
+Much better fun to have to listen to epigrams and all that sort of
+thing, than to have to follow something or other with interest.
+
+_Second P._ Quite. In fact, nowadays, you can come in when you like,
+and listen to what you like.
+
+_Third P._ Yes, much better plan, than having to take it all in. Think
+it a first-rate idea to allow talking all through, instead of keeping
+that sort of thing until between the Acts.
+
+_Second P._ Quite. Between the Acts a fellow wants to smoke. Much
+jollier to talk when the other fellows are talking too. Divide the
+labour with them--half the conversation on one side the Curtain, half
+on the other.
+
+_Fourth P._ Capital idea, and much less fatiguing than the old style.
+Fancy having to take it all in! Why, ten years ago, one had to get up
+a play as if one had to pass an examination in it next morning! Awful
+bosh!
+
+_Second P._ Quite. No, it's much jollier to chat. Is there anyone in
+the house you know?
+
+_First P._ Only that Johnnie over there! The fellow in the
+dinner-jacket, who's gone to sleep. He's rather a sportsman.
+(_Applause._) Hallo! What's that row about?
+
+_Third P._ End of the First Act. I say, you fellows, I don't think
+there's much in the piece, so far.
+
+_Fourth P._ I am blest if I know what it's all about.
+
+_First P._ More do I.
+
+_Second P._ And I. Why should we stay any longer? Seems awful rot.
+
+_Fourth P._ Quite. Let's go to a Music-Hall, where we can smoke and
+chat.
+
+_First P._ Quite.
+
+[_Exeunt the party, to the great relief of the remainder of the
+Audience._
+
+_Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PESSIMISM v. OPTIMISM.
+
+(_From the City._)
+
+"YOU'RE GETTING QUITE A CORPORATION, BROWN!"
+
+"YES; THE RESULT OF A _CONTENTED MIND_, OLD MAN!"
+
+"NO. YOU MEAN THE RESULT OF A _CONTINUAL FEAST_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OMISSION IN LAST WEEK'S CEREMONIAL ACCOUNTED FOR.--It was first
+proposed to make a _detour_ from Piccadilly by way of Park Lane,
+Stanhope Street, and so forth, round again to Piccadilly. But as H. R.
+H. the Duke of YORK pointed out, there was no necessity for specially
+visiting May Fair, as from start to finish he took MAY Fair with him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH'S "GOD-SPEED" TO THE POLE-SEEKERS.
+
+    [Dr. FRIDTJOF NANSEN'S Arctic Expedition sailed from
+    Christiania in the _Fram_ on June 24.]
+
+  So Dr. FRIDTJOF NANSEN'S off!
+  Cynics will chuckle, and pessimists scoff.
+  What a noodle, that Norroway chap,
+  Who'd drift to the Pole to--complete our map!
+  Year after year in the broad-beam'd _Fram_,
+  Far from Society's "Real Jam,"
+  Away from the fjords, and Five o'Clock Tea,
+  Amidst the ice of the Kara Sea;
+  Certain of darkness, discomfort, and frost,
+  With an excellent prospect of getting lost,
+  Crunched in the ice-pack, frozen, or starved,
+  Whilst Mansion-House Banquets are being carved;
+  Over the snow like pale ghosts flitting,
+  Missing the sweets of an All-Night Sitting!
+  Alone in a canvas-bottom'd bunk,
+  When gossip is gabbled, and toasts are drunk,
+  Where Good Society's geese gregarious,
+  Hiss malignant, or cackle hilarious!
+  Well, who knows? Those Arctic snows
+  May bore _men_ less than our Social Shows;
+  And utter aridity starve the soul
+  More in the House than the Northern Pole!
+  Here's to NANSEN! Here's to his crew!
+  We know they'll venture what men may do.
+  Good luck and good cheer be Heaven's gift
+  To the _Fram_ and her men on that long, long drift!
+  And if they win through the Polar pack,
+  May _Punch_ be foremost to welcome them back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 3._--The fat in the fire again. Who
+put it there? "I," said JOEY C., "with my ready ladle; I swooped it
+in." So he did, lighting up with sudden flame embers that seemed
+quite dead. At end of speech on WOLMER'S Amendment, seeing JOHN DILLON
+sitting opposite, asked him what about few remarks made at Castlerea,
+in which he had threatened, when Irishmen came to their own on College
+Green, they would have police, sheriffs, and bailiffs, under their
+control, and would "remember" their enemies? DILLON, amid scene of
+tumultuous excitement, admitted that phrase not in itself defensible,
+but pleaded that words had been spoken amid great provocation. The
+massacre at Mitchelstown had taken place just before; its memories
+were hot within him, and, out of the indignation of his heart, his
+tongue had spoken.
+
+As DILLON urged this plea, T. W. RUSSELL made a hurried remark in
+JOSEPH'S ear. J. smiled grimly; the Lord had delivered the enemy into
+his hand. Some men would have maimed their chance, if not spoiled the
+game, by jumping up with hot interruption, and hurriedly exposed the
+blunder upon which DILLON had stumbled. JOSEPH never loses his head.
+He lay low, sayin' nuffin', but regarding the unconscious victim
+opposite with dangerously smiling face. When DILLON sat down, the
+crowded House plainly moved by his effective speech, JOSEPH literally
+leaped to his feet, and flung across the floor the most complete
+and dramatic blow ever dealt at a man in House of Commons. It was
+Mitchelstown, was it, that had rankled in DILLON'S breast when he
+uttered the phrase he now regretted? Would the House believe that the
+massacre at Mitchelstown took place on September 9, 1887, and this
+speech at Castlerea was made on December 5, 1886?
+
+"Remember Mitchelstown!" JOHN DILLON had remembered it nine months
+and four days before it had taken place. Several moments the Unionists
+cheered, JOSEPH standing with accusatory finger pointed at JOHN DILLON,
+who sat silent with folded arms, the habitual pallor of his face changed
+to a ghastlier white.
+
+[Illustration: THE WEEK OF THE YEAR.]
+
+"My dear JOHN," I said to him later, "how on earth could you make such
+a terrible mistake? The only amelioration it has is that it was so
+stupendous and obvious that it was plainly stumbled upon without
+intent or purport to deceive."
+
+"Thank you, TOBY," said JOHN DILLON. "I suppose that is clear enough
+to the generous mind. But I know a blunder is sometimes worse than a
+crime. The fact is, about the time I spoke at Castlerea, things were
+so bad in Ireland, the police so little hesitating to shoot, that
+I got mixed up in my dates, and remembered Mitchelstown when I was
+thinking about something else."
+
+_Business done._--Home-Rule Bill in Committee.
+
+_Tuesday._--TRITTON descending amongst the minnows has brought up
+CONYBEARE. Not much heard of late of that eminent legislator. Seems
+he's been compensating enforced silence in House by "saying things"
+of SPEAKER in letter to newspaper. More than hints SPEAKER, moved by
+political motives, has acted unfairly in Chair. Perhaps TRITTON had
+done better to leave him alone. Comparatively few were aware of the
+little excursion into print. Now blazoned forth to all the world.
+Since 'twas done 'twas well 'twas done admirably. SPEAKER moved to one
+of those outbursts of passionate though restrained eloquence of
+which, upon occasion, he shows himself capable. As Baron FERDY
+remarks:--"Since G.P.R. JAMES was sent as Consul to Venice, the only
+city in the world where the solitary horseman of his many novels could
+not be 'observed,' nothing so quaint as condemning one of the few
+parliamentary orators of the day to the silence of the Chair."
+
+Mr. G. delivered brief but magnificent speech, instinct with the true
+spirit of Parliamentarian. PRINCE ARTHUR said a few words; everybody
+looked round for CURSE OF CAMBORNE but unwonted access of modesty had
+seized him. Here was opportunity with crowded House waiting on his
+words. And where was he? Not in his place; so episode closed.
+
+Though CONYBEARE'S intention probably not kindly meant, SPEAKER
+certainly under considerable obligation to him. Opportunity afforded
+House of enthusiastically applauding the most capable, dignified,
+upright SPEAKER that ever faced the fierce light that beats upon the
+Chair of the House of Commons.
+
+Came across HERBERT MAXWELL just now; haven't seen him since Saturday;
+met at dinner to Art and Literature given at Mansion House by Lord
+Mayor KNILL. "BAYARD finished his speech yet?" I asked.
+
+"Not sure," said MAXWELL; "fancy not. When I was carried out, in state
+approaching coma, I observed on table before him two or three other
+volumes of manuscript, containing further passages of the prodigious
+recitation."
+
+BAYARD is the new American Minister, doncha; made his first public
+appearance at the Mansion House on Saturday; felt he must rise to
+occasion; and did.
+
+"Yours is a mere speck of a country, TOBY," he said, before we went
+in to dinner. "Your public speeches are, very properly, planned in
+proportion. Now America, as you may have heard, is a vast Continent,
+and I've got up a little thing to scale."
+
+"Otherwise a very pleasant dinner," said MAXWELL. "I sat next to a
+Citizen and Loriner. Don't know what a Loriner is, but fancy, from
+look in my friend's eyes, it's something to do with fish. When turtle
+soup appeared on table there was phosphorescent gleam in the worthy
+Loriner's eyes. He prodded me genially in ribs with a fat elbow, and
+said with ungent chuckle, 'Ah, I s'pose you writing fellows don't
+often sit down to a dinner like _this_?'"
+
+_Business done._--In Committee on Home-Rule Bill. Much cry and few
+Amendments.
+
+_Thursday._--At ten o'clock to-night guillotine descended;
+simultaneously Opposition lost their head; for hour and half there
+raged succession of angry scenes that beat a gorgeous record. Mr. G.
+and PRINCE ARTHUR, coming and going from division lobbies, were made
+objects of rival ovations. Liberals and the Irish leaped to their
+feet, madly cheering when PREMIER dropped in. Few minutes earlier or
+later came PRINCE ARTHUR; instantly Unionists on their feet wildly
+cheering. Outside all London making holiday. Here hon. gentlemen
+almost clutching at each other's throats across the beneficently wide
+floor. Instead of wedding festivities and national holiday depleting
+House it was fuller than ever. VILLIERS came down to give his vote
+against Closure; Unionists rapturous round their Grand Old Man. The
+other side had Mr. G. with his fourscore years and four. VILLIERS
+of Wolverhampton topped him by seven years. Nearly carried him into
+division lobby shoulder high; beat hasty retreat after doing this last
+service to his country.
+
+"Fact is, you know, TOBY," he said, "I'm not quite the young fellow
+I used to be; can't stand the racket as was easy enough some sixty
+or seventy years ago. If they'll kindly excuse me, I'll go and take a
+walk with the crowd to see the illuminations in Piccadilly. That will
+be delightfully quiet after this turmoil."
+
+[Illustration: "THE ANGEL IN THE HOUSE."]
+
+On Clause 6 SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, accompanied by half-a-dozen
+unpurchaseable Radicals, voted in Opposition lobby; brought Government
+majority down to 15; crowd, streaming by Palace Yard, clearly heard
+terrific cheers that welcomed this falling off. Proposed to bring back
+the SAGE and his merry men in triumph. Floral decoration being order
+of day, why not let them enter rose-garlanded, led by PRINCE ARTHUR on
+one side, and JOEY C. on the other? Guaranteed a noble reception from
+grateful and gratified Opposition. But some difference of opinion
+arose within little circle of Stalwarts, and proposal abandoned.
+Drifted in one by one, amid stream of Opposition.
+
+_Business done._--Clauses 5, 6, 7, and 8 added to Home-Rule Bill.
+
+_Friday Night._--CONYBEARE went out a-shearing, and came home shorn.
+Asked leave to make personal explanation; House naturally thought this
+would assume form of apology for attack on SPEAKER, of which note was
+taken on Tuesday. Permission accordingly given. Turned out nothing
+further from CONYBEARE'S thoughts. First began by scolding unnamed
+persons for not rising in his defence on Tuesday; then proceeded
+to argue with Mr. G. and SPEAKER on point of order involved in his
+earlier attack. Incidentally, as the SPEAKER, in indignant tones,
+pointed out, he repeated the charges embodied in his letter. House
+long listened, with amazing patience. But there are limits to
+forbearance; at end of quarter of an hour the CURSE OF CAMBORNE had
+reached these; his letter declared by unanimous vote to be a breach of
+privilege; a lame apology wrung from his unwilling lips, under penalty
+of a week's suspension. "Curses," said the Member for Sark, "come home
+to roost, no exception being made in the case of CAMBORNE." _Business
+done._--None.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. R.'S LATEST OBSERVATION.--Our excellent friend was disappointed
+with the Royal Bridal Procession. Finding the King and Queen of
+DENMARK in the procession, she naturally looked out for _Hamlet_, and
+does not, to this hour, see why he should have been left out of the
+play.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+This issue contains some dialect. (Specifically page 17, in 'Robert at
+the Manshun House').
+
+Page 13: 'A' corrected to 'At'. "At last, however, we managed to calm
+the indignant ladies,..."
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+105, July 15th 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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