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diff --git a/35665.txt b/35665.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e256e7c --- /dev/null +++ b/35665.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1808 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, +July 8th 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, July 8th 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: March 24, 2011 [EBook #35665] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +[Illustration: PUNCH VOL CV] + + + + + LONDON: + + PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, + + AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. + + 1893. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREFACE] + +"_Vox, et praeterea nihil!_" murmured +Somebody in the background. + +"Who made that stale and inappropriate quotation?" exclaimed Mr. +Oracle PUNCH, looking severely around the illustrious group gathered +in his _sanctum_ about the brazen tripod which bore his brand-new +Phonograph. + +Nobody answered. + +"Glad to see you are ashamed of yourself, whoever you are," snapped +the Seer. + +"Rather think the--a--Spook spoke," muttered a self-important-looking +personage, obliquely eyeing a shadowy visitor from Borderland. + +"Humph! JULIA may use _your_ hand, but you will not trump _mine_," +retorted the Oracle. "If _revenants_ knew what nonsense is put into +their spectral mouths by noodles and charlatans, they would never +return to be made spectral pilgarlics of." + +"A ghost is a good thing--in a Christmas story!" laughed the jolly old +gentleman in a holly-crown. "Elsewhere it is generally a fraud and a +nuisance." + +"Right, Father Christmas!" cried Mr. PUNCH. "But the _Voces_ from +my Oracular Funograph are not ghostly nothings, neither are they +ambiguous, like the oracles of the Sibyl of Cumae,--to which, my +eloquent Premier, some have had the audacity to compare certain of +_your_ vocal deliverances." + +The Old Oracular Hand smiled sweetly. "_Nescit vox missa reverti_," he +murmured. "Would that EDISON could invent a Party Leader's Phonograph +whose utterances should satisfy at the time without danger of +being quoted against one fifty years later by CLEON the Tanner, or +AGORACRITUS the Sausage-Seller, to whom even the Sibylline Books would +scarce have been sacred. But you and your Funograph--as you neatly +call it--have never been Paphlagonian, have never had to give up to +Party what was meant for Mankind." + +"_And_ Womankind, surely, Mr. GLADSTONE?" subjoined the Strong-minded +Woman, glaring reproachfully through her spectacles at the +Anti-Woman's-Rights Premier. "I wish I could say as much of _you_, +Sir!" + +"Labour and the Ladies seem to have small share in his thoughts," +began the Striker, hotly, when Lord ROSEBERY touched him gently on his +fustian-clad shoulder, and he subsided. + +"Am _I_ not a lady?" queried HIBERNIA, with an affectionate glance at +her aged champion. + +"Golly, and me too?" added a damsel of dusky Libyan charms, clinging +close to the stalwart arm of Napoleonic CECIL RHODES. + +"Yes--with a difference!" said the Oracle, drily. "'_Place aux dames_' +is a motto of partial and rather capricious application, is it not, my +evergreen Premier?" + +"A principle of politeness rather than of politics or Parliament--at +present," murmured the G. O. M. + +"Pooh!" sniffed the Strong-minded Woman. "It will _spread_. Read Mr. +H. FOWLER'S Bill, and Dr. ALFRED RUSSEL WALLACE'S _Woman and Natural +Selection_; put this and that together, and perpend!" + +"The Penny Phonograph," pursued Mr. Oracle PUNCH, "is now prodigiously +patronised. For the popular penny you can hear an American band, a +Chevalier coster ballad, the 'Charge of the Light Brigade,' a comic +song by 'Little TICH,' or a speech by the Old Man eloquent. No; +for the latter I believe they charge twopence. That _is_ fame, my +Pantagruelian Premier. But in _my_ Funograph--charge the unchangeable +Threepence--you can hear the very voice of Wisdom and Wit, of Humanity +and Humour, of Eloquence and Essential Truth, of Music and of Mirth!" + +"Hear! hear! hear!" chorussed everybody. + +"You _shall_ hear!" said the Oracle. "Stand round, all of you, and +adjust your ear-tubes! DIONYSIUS'S EAR was not an aural 'circumstance' +(as your countryman would say, CLEVELAND) compared with this. _Vox, et +praeterea nihil_, indeed!" + +"_Nihil_--or Nihilism," growled the Trafalgar Square Anarchist, "is +the burden of the _vox populi_ of to-day----" + +"_Vox diaboli_, you mean," interrupted the great Funographer, sternly. +"And there is no opening for that _vox_ here. Shut up! You are here, +misguided mischief-maker, not to spout murderously dogmatic negation, +but to listen and--I hope--learn!" + +"I trust you have guidance for me," murmured gentle but anxious-faced +Charity. "It would, like my ministrations, be most seasonable--as +Father Christmas could tell you--for between my innumerable claims, +and my contradictory 'multitude of counsellors,' my friends and +enemies, my gushingly indiscriminate enthusiasts, and my arid, +hide-bound 'organisers,' I was never, my dear Mr. PUNCH, so completely +puzzled in my life." + +"Sweet lady," responded the Oracle, with gentle gravity, "there is +guidance here for _all_ who will listen; heavenly Charity and diabolic +Anarchy, eloquent Statesmanship and adventurous Enterprise, scared +Capital and clamorous Labour, fogged Finance and self-assertive +Femininity; for the motley and many-voiced Utopia-hunters who fancy +they see imminent salvation in Imperial Pomp or Parochial Pump, +in Constitutional Clubs or County Councils, in Home Rule, Primrose +Leagues, or the Living Wage, in Democracy or in Dynamite, in High Art +or Mahatmas, in Science or in Spooks. Take your places, Ladies and +Gentlemen! Charity first, if you please, with Father Christmas to her +right, leaving room for the little New Year on her left. Listen all, +and learn by the various voices of that many-cylindered, marvellous +Funographic Machine, my + +ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTH VOLUME!" + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 105, JULY 8th 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +THE HEALTH SEEKER'S VADE MECUM. + +(_Revised up to Date._) + +_Question._ Is it good for the health to keep awake? + +_Answer._ Certainly not; as sleep is most necessary to the body's +repose. + +_Q._ Then should one go to sleep? + +_A._ No; for it must in the end be injurious to the mind. + +_Q._ Is walking a good thing? + +_A._ Certainly not; as it may lead to cramp. + +_Q._ Is resting to be recommended? + +_A._ Oh no; for exercise is absolutely a necessity. + +_Q._ Is riding permissible? + +_A._ Not when the wood pavement produces the new sore throat. + +_Q._ Should we eat? + +_A._ No; for everything is adulterated. + +_Q._ Should we drink? + +_A._ No; liquor is injurious. + +_Q._ Should we starve? + +_A._ No; meals are really needful. + +_Q._ Is it safe to stay at home? + +_A._ No; because change of air is most beneficial to everyone. + +_Q._ Is it advisable to go abroad? + +_A._ Not at all; many epidemics are reported to be rife everywhere on +the other side of the channel. + +_Q._ Is it good to live? + +_A._ Scarcely; because illness is worse than death. + +_Q._ Is it good to die? + +_A._ Probably; everything else is a failure, so no doubt this, too, is +a grand mistake. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TO CRICKETERS. + +"OUT! FIRST BALL! A CATCH!!"] + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROOSE. + +RONDEL BY A RESTORED ONE. + +(_Some way after a Swinburnian Model._) + + Under the ROOSE! Decay seemed slow but sure, + The golden chord Mors, lingering, aimed to loose; + But kindness, care, and skill work wondrous cure, + Under the ROOSE! + + The patient probably had played the goose, + Liverish, listless, yielding to the lure + Of overstrain, caught in neglect's sly noose. + + But symptoms pass if patience but endure, + And ROBSON'S regimen brooks no excuse. + Nerves get re-strung, the brisk blood pulses pure, + Under the ROOSE! + + * * * * * + +OLD PROVERB VERIFIED.--"Miss VERNE, whose renown as a pianist is +rapidly increasing, has hitherto been known to concert-goers as Miss +MATHILDE WURM." So at last "the WURM has turned," and become Miss +VERNE! + + * * * * * + +WHAT OUR EVENING PAPERS ARE COMING TO (_suggested by the newest thing +in Pink and Green_).--Penny plain, and halfpenny coloured! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 1893; OR, THE GOVERNMENT GUILLOTINE.] + + * * * * * + + ["Here comes a light to light us to bed, + And a chopper to cut off the last--last--last Amendment's head!" + + _Old Nursery Rhyme "amended."_] + + There once was a Government good-- + (All Governments are, so they tell us!)-- + Who found themselves deep "in the wood," + And a little bit blown in the "bellows." + Their foes, who were many and mean, + Persistently hunted and harried 'em. + Their time they to spend meant + On bogus "Amendment;" + They moved such by hundreds--and _all_ to befriend meant-- + Jawed round 'em, and--now and then--carried 'em! + Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol! + That Government upped and it said-- + "We seem to be getting no forrader. + It's time to go 'full steam ahead!' + _Bella horrida_ couldn't be horrider, + So let's declare 'war to the knife!' + Dr. GUILLOTIN'S knife, sharp and summary, + We _must_ put a stopper + On Unionist 'whopper,' + Or else the best Government must come a cropper + Along of their falsehood and flummery!" + Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol! + "Doctor GUILLOTIN claimed that his blade + Was 'a punishment sure, quick, and uniform,' + So when sham 'Amendment' has laid + On the table its paltry and puny form, + We'll just give it time to turn round, + And if it's prolix or cantankerous, + To the block be it led + And then--off with its head!"-- + Well, for summary shrift there _is_ much to be said, + When the criminal's rowdy and rancorous. + Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol! + + * * * * * + +SUB JUDICE. + +(_An entirely Imaginary Report of an utterly Impossible Case._) + +THE MUSTARD MYSTERY. 120TH DAY. + +To-day the prisoner in this matter was once again brought before +the magistrates on the charge already stated. The same counsel +were present for the prosecution and the defence that had put in an +appearance yesterday. The court was densely crowded. + +BENJAMIN BROWN deposed that he had often slammed a door. He knew the +sound of the slamming of a door, and thought he could distinguish it +from the noise of an earthquake. On cross examination he admitted +that he had not slammed a door, and had never been present at an +earthquake. On re-examination he said that although he had not been +present at an earthquake he was conversant with its characteristics. + +JOHN JONES deposed that he had once seen a man who might have been the +prisoner. It was sixteen years ago. The man to whom he referred was +talking to a female. On cross-examination he admitted that, so far +as he knew to the contrary, the man may have been addressing his +grandmother. On re-examination he did not know that the female was a +grandmother--she might have been a grand aunt. + +RICHARD ROBERTSON deposed that he had seen a pair of slippers. They +might have been the slippers of the prisoner. He saw one of those +slippers thrown with considerable force at a water-butt. He +had examined the water-butt, and there was a mark on it. On +cross-examination he admitted that he did not know how the mark on +the water-butt had been made. It might have been by a boot, and not +a slipper. He did not know to whom the slippers belonged. They might +have been the property of the prisoner. He was not sure that he had +seen the slippers in the presence of the prisoner. In fact, he was not +sure he had ever seen the prisoner before. He was also doubtful about +the identity of the slippers. However, on re-examination, he was sure +he had seen some slippers, and also a water-butt. + +After some further evidence, the inquiry was adjourned until +to-morrow. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FASHION. + +"OH, MUMMY, HAVE YOU BEEN VACCINATED ON _BOTH_ ARMS?"] + + * * * * * + +THE THREE GEORGES. + +The following two letters have reached _Mr. Punch_, curiously enough, +by the same post. Here they are, just as they were received:-- + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Will you allow me, through your columns, to thank the +public for the brilliant way in which they are recognising my claims +to distinction? As I walk through the streets I see evidence on all +hands that on Thursday night London will be ablaze with "G. M."! +Permit me, Sir, thus publicly to thank a discriminating public.--Yours +Egoist-ically, + + G-ORGE M-R-D-TH. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The Alderman in Art is beaten, and even the City is +one continuous tribute to "G. M." Critics, envious of my _Speaker_ +reputation, may carp, and say the tribute's all gas--a half-truth, +concealing truth; but the public evidently know where to look for the +true critical insight. I am obliged to them, and I thank you for this +opportunity of saying so. + + Yours (naturally) as fresh as paint, + G-ORGE M-RE. + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING THAT HAD BEEN BETTER LEFT UNSAID. (_By an ex-Old Bachelor, +discontented with his condition in general, and his Mother-in-law in +particular_).--"I will!" + + * * * * * + +A WEDDING FAVOUR.--A reserved first-class compartment on the London, +Chatham and Dover. + + * * * * * + +AD FRATREM. + +BY A REMONSTRATIVE SISTER. + +(_See "Ad Examinatorem," Punch, July 1, 1893._) + + Dear Tom, you astonished me quite + With your vigorous verses last week, + It will be an unceasing delight + In future, sweet brother, to speak + Of the family poet--yourself! + Yet I feel I must bid you beware. + It may not be nice, but the word of advice + Is your favourite, "Don't lose your hair!" + + Yes, I own it was rather a blow + When they brought out the merciless list, + For you primed up the Pater, I know, + With such rubbish, and just _would_ insist + The Exam. was as hard as could be. + Ah! you painted it all at the worst, + It was hard lines on you, THOMAS, not to get through, + While the "crock" of a MAUD got a first. + + Still, why did you rush into print + With your torrent of bitter complaint? + To do so without the least hint, + Well, brotherly, dear, it quite _ain't_. + 'Twere wiser and better by far + To have laid all the blame on a tooth, + For whatever's the use of a lovely excuse + If not in concealing the truth? + + So bottle your anger, dear boy, + Forget how to shuffle and shirk, + Find intelligent purpose and joy + In a season of honest hard work. + You'll pass when you go in again, + And eclipse in the passing poor me; + For a girl, though she can beat the whole tribe of Man, + Isn't fit, TOM, to have a degree! + + * * * * * + +THE SONG OF THE SESSION. + +AIR--"_What shall he have that kill'd the Deer?_" + + What must he have who'd kill the Bill? + A leathern skin, and a stubborn will. + Brummagem's his home. + Take then no shame to name his name! + Bill-slaughtering is his little game. + He'd be its death--he swore it, + As limb from limb he tore it-- + The Bill, the Bill, the lusty Bill! + Is it a thing Brum JOE _can_ kill? + + * * * * * + +A TESTIMONIAL MANQUE. + +(A SKETCH FROM THE SUBURBS.) + +THE ARGUMENT--Mr. HOTSPUR PORPENTINE, _a distinguished resident in the +rising suburb of Jerrymere, has recently been awarded fourteen +days' imprisonment, without the option of a fine, for assaulting a +ticket-collector, who had offered him the indignity of requiring him +to show his season-ticket at the barrier. The scene is a Second-Class +Compartment, in which four of_ Mr. PORPENTINE'S _neighbours are +discussing the affair during their return from the City_. + +_Mr. Cockcroft (warmly)._ I say, Sir--and I'm sure all here will bear +me out--that such a sentence was a scandalous abuse of justice. As +a near neighbour, and an intimate friend of PORPENTINE'S, I don't +'esitate to assert that he has done nothing whatever to forfeit our +esteem. He's a quick-tempered man, as we're all aware, and to be asked +by some meddlesome official to show his season, after travelling +on the line constantly for years, and leaving it at home that +morning--why--I don't blame him if he _did_ use his umbrella! + +_Mr. Balch. (sympathetically)._ Nor I. PORPENTINE'S a man I've always +had a very 'igh respect for ever since I came into this neighbourhood. +I've always found him a good feller, and a good neighbour. + +_Mr. Filkins (deferentially)._ I can't claim to be as intimate with +him as some here; but, if it isn't putting myself too far forward to +say so, I very cordially beg to say ditto to those sentiments. + +_Mr. Sibbering_ (_who has never "taken to"_ PORPENTINE). Well, he's +had a sharp lesson,--there's no denying that. + +_Mr. Cocker._ Precisely, and it occurs to me that when he--ah--returns +to public life, it would be a kind thing, and a graceful thing, and +a thing he would--ah--appreciate in the spirit it was intended, if +we were to present him with some little token of our sympathy and +unabated esteem--what do you fellers think? + +_Mr. Filk._ A most excellent suggestion, if my friend here will allow +me to say so. I, for one, shall be proud to contribute to so worthy an +object. + +_Mr. Balch._ I don't see why we shouldn't present him with an +address--'ave it illuminated, and framed and glazed; sort of thing +he could 'ang up and 'and down to his children after him as an +_heirloom_, y' know. + +_Mr. Sibb._ I don't like to throw cold water on any proposition, but +if you want _my_ opinion, I must say I see no necessity for making a +public thing of it in that way. + +_Mr. Cocker._ I'm with SIBBERING there. The less fuss there is about +it, the better PORPENTINE'll be pleased. My idea is to give him +something of daily use--a _useful_ thing, y' know. + +_Mr. Balch._ Useful _or_ ornamental. Why not his own portrait? There's +many an artist who would do him in oils, and guarantee a likeness, +frame included, for a five-pound note. + +_Mr. Sibb._ If it's to be like PORPENTINE, it certainly won't be +_ornamental_, whatever else it is. + +_Mr. Filk._ It can't be denied that he is remarkably plain in the +face. We'd better, as our friend Mr. COCKCROFT here proposes, make it +something of daily use--a good serviceable silk umberella now--that's +_always_ appropriate. + +_Mr. Sibb._ To make up for the one he broke over the collector's head, +eh? that's _appropriate_ enough! + +_Mr. Cocker._ No, no; you mean well, FILKINS, but you must see +yourself, on reflection, that there would be a certain want +of--ah--good taste in giving him a thing like that under the +circumstances. I should suggest something like a hatstand--a handsome +one, of course. I happen to know that he has nothing in the passage at +present but a row of pegs. + +_Mr. Sibb._ I should have thought he'd been taken down enough pegs +already. + +[Illustration: "Well, he's had a sharp lesson,--there's no denying +that."] + +_Mr. Filk. (who resents the imputation upon his taste)._ I can't say +what the width of Mr. PORPENTINE'S passage may be, never having been +privileged with an invitation to pass the threshold, but unless it's +wider than ours is, he couldn't get a hatstand in if he tried, and +if my friend COCKCROFT will excuse the remark, I see no sense--to say +nothing of good taste, about which perhaps I mayn't be qualified to +pass an opinion--in giving him an article he's got no room for. + +_Mr. Cocker. (with warmth)._ There's room enough in PORPENTINE'S +passage for a whole host of hatstands, if that's all, and I know +what I'm speaking about. I've been in and out there often enough. +I'm--ah--a regular tame cat in that house. But if you're against the +'atstand, I say no more--we'll waive it. How would it do if we gave +him a nice comfortable easy-chair--something he could sit in of an +evening, y' know? + +_Mr. Sibb._ A touchy chap like PORPENTINE would be sure to fancy +we thought he wanted something soft after a hard bench and a plank +bed--you can't go and give him _furniture_! + +_Mr. Cocker. (with dignity)._ There's a way of doing all things. I +wasn't proposing to go and chuck the chair _at_ him--he's a sensitive +feller in many respects, and he'd feel _that_, I grant you. He can't +object to a little present of that sort just from four friends like +ourselves. + +_Mr. Balch. (with a falling countenance)._ Oh! I thought it was to be +a general affair, limited to a small sum, so that all who liked could +join in. I'd no notion you meant to keep it such a private matter as +all that. + +_Mr. Filk._ Nor I. And, knowing Mr. PORPENTINE so slightly as I do, he +might consider it presumption in me, making myself so prominent in the +matter--or else I'm sure---- + +_Mr. Cocker._ There's no occasion for anyone to be prominent, except +myself. You leave it entirely in my 'ands. I'll have the chair taken +up some evening to PORPENTINE'S house on a 'andcart, and drop in, and +just lead up to it carelessly, if you understand me, then go out and +wheel the chair in, make him try it--and there you _are_. + +_Mr. Balch._ There _you_ are, right enough; but I don't see where _we_ +come in, exactly. + +_Mr. Filk._ If it's to be confined to just us four, I certingly think +we ought _all_ to be present at the presentation. + +_Mr. Cocker._ That would be just the very thing to put a man like +PORPENTINE out--a crowd dropping in on him like that! I know his ways, +and, seeing I'm providing the chair---- + +_Mr. Balch. (relieved)._ You are? That's different, of course; but I +thought you said that we four---- + +_Mr. Cocker._ I'm coming to that. As the prime mover, and a particular +friend of PORPENTINE'S, it's only right and fair I should bear the +chief burden. There's an easy-chair I have at home that only wants +re-covering to be as good as new, and all you fellers need do is to +pay for 'aving it nicely done up in velvet, or what not, and we'll +call it quits. + +_Mr. Balch._ I daresay; but I like to know what I'm letting myself +in for; and there's upholsterers who'll charge as much for doing up a +chair as would furnish a room. + +_Mr. Filk._ I--I shouldn't feel justified, with my family, and, as, +comparatively speaking, a recent resident, in going beyond a certain +limit, and unless the estimate could be kep' down to a moderate sum, I +really---- + +_Mr. Sibb. (unmasking)._ After all, you know, I don't see why we +should go to any expense over a stuck-up, cross-grained chap like +PORPENTINE. It's well-known he hasn't a good word to say for us +Jerrymere folks, and considers himself above the lot of us! + +_Mr. Balch and Mr. Filk._ I'm bound to say there's a good deal in what +SIBBERING says. PORPENTINE'S never shown himself what _I_ should call +sociable. + +_Mr. Cocker._ I've never found him anything but pleasant myself, +whatever he may be to others. I'm not denying he's an _exclusive_ man, +and a _fastidious_ man, but he's been 'arshly treated, and _I_ should +have thought this was an occasion--if ever there was one--for putting +any private feelings aside, and rallying round him to show our respect +and sympathy. But of course if you're going to let petty jealousies +of this sort get the better of you, and leave me to do the 'ole thing +myself, _I've_ no objection. I daresay he'll value it all the more +coming from me. + +_Mr. Sibb._ Well, he _ought_ to, after the shameful way he's spoken of +you to a friend of mine in the City, who shall be nameless. You +mayn't know, and if not, it's only right I should mention it, that +he complained bitterly of having to change his regular train on +your account, and said (I'm only repeating his words, mind you) that +Jerrymere was entirely populated by bores, but you were the worst of +the lot, and your jabber twice a day was more than he _could_ stand. +He mayn't have _meant_ anything by it, but it was decidedly uncalled +for. + +_Mr. Cockcr. (reddening)._ I 'ope I'm above being affected by +the opinion any man may express of my conversation--especially a +cantankerous feller, who can't keep his temper under decent control. A +feller who goes and breaks his umbrella over an unoffending official's +'ead like that, and gets, very properly, locked up for it! Jerrymere +society isn't good enough for him, it seems. He won't be troubled with +much of it in future--_I_ can assure him! Upon my word, now I come +to think of it, I'm not sure he shouldn't be called upon for an +explanation of how he came to be travelling without a ticket; it looks +very much to me as if he'd been systematically defrauding the Company! + +_Mr. Filk._ Well, I didn't like to say so before; but that's been _my_ +view all along! + +_Mr. Balch._ And mine. + +_Mr. Sibb._ Now perhaps you understand why we'd rather leave it to you +to give him the arm-chair. + +_Mr. Cockcr._ _I_ give a man an arm-chair for bringing disgrace on the +'ole of Jerrymere! I'd sooner break it up for firewood! Whoever it was +that first started all this tomfoolery about a testimonial, I'm not +going to 'ave _my_ name associated with it, and if you'll take +_my_ advice, you'll drop it once and for all, for it's only making +yourselves ridiculous! [_His companions, observing that he is in +a somewhat excited condition, consider it advisable to change the +subject._ + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Tuesday, June 27._--_Faust_, in French. JEAN DE RESZKE was to have +been _Faust_, but the "vaulting ambition" of the eminent Polish +tenor led him to attempt a high jump with another Pole--the +leaping-pole--and whether he had not his compatriot well in hand, +or whether, "with love's light wings," _Romeo_ did _not_ manage to +"o'ertop" the highest note above the line, deponent sayeth not, but +this much is known, that he fell at the high jump, and, feeling the +pain first in the under part of his foot, and then in the leg, he +exclaimed, with _Hamlet_, "O my prophetic sole, my ankle!" the result +being that he appeareth not to-night as _Faust_. If Frere JEAN DE +RESZKE is going on by "leaps and bounds" in this manner, he will +be known as "Brother JOHN the Risky." Madame NORDICA happy as +_Marguerite_--at least she looked it, for even in the most tragic +scenes there is always a sweet smile on her dimpled cheeks. Mlle. +BAUERMEISTER makes a _Marta_ of herself as the merry old dame; +Mlle. GUERCIA, as _Siebel_, is a Siebeline mystery; LASSALLE, as +_Valentine_, pleases _la salle_; but Brother EDWARD "_prends le +gateau_" as _Mephistopheles_. + +[Illustration: "O my prophetic sole, my ankle!"] + +_Wednesday._--_Tristan und Isolde_, which may be rendered _Triste +'un und I solde-not-so-many-tickets-as-usual_, or _Triste 'un und I'm +Sold_. "The fourth of the WAGNER Cycle." If there are eight of them +then this is the Bi-Cycle, but there's more woe than weal in it, and +though extracts may be relished by the learned amateur, yet, as a +whole, WAGNER'S _Tristan_ does not attract our opera-going public. + + * * * * * + +MEM.--No Nursery of Music can possibly be complete without +"Leading-Strings." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ON TICK. + +_Seedy Swell._ "I SAY, OLD CHAP, TELL US THE TIME. I'M SURE YOUR WATCH +GOES WELL." + +_Second S. S._ "IT GOES BEAUTIFULLY. IT WENT SIX MONTHS AGO TO MY +UNCLE'S!"] + + * * * * * + +TO THE FRENCH OARSMEN. + +(_From Mr. Punch, at Henley._) + + Here's a hand, my fine fellows; in friendship you come, + And _Punch_, who likes courage, would scorn to be dumb. + He greets you with cheers; may your shades ne'er diminish, + Though you row forty-four from the start to the finish. + You will bear yourselves bravely, and merit your fame, + For brave man and Frenchman mean mostly the same. + We shall do what we can--it's our duty--to beat you, + But we know it will take a tough crew to defeat you. + And whatever the upshot, howe'er the race ends, + You and we, having struggled, shall always be friends. + So accept, while we cheer you again and again, + This welcome from Thames to his sister, the Seine. + + * * * * * + +SKINNERS AND SKINNED.--One portion of the ancient award of Sir ROBERT +BILLESDON, Lord Mayor of London, in settling a dispute between the +Skinners and Merchant Taylors, was, that these two Companies should +dine together once a year. Mr. Justice BRUCE, alluding to this at +the banquet on Skinners Day, when, as was natural, many lawyers were +present, suggested that it would be a good thing if power were given +to judges to "condemn litigants to dine together, and to order that +the costs of the dinner should come out of the Consolidated Fund"--a +very good notion. The idea might be extended to entertaining Wards in +Chancery, of whom two unhappy infants the other day were had up at the +Police Court for picking and stealing, in order to feed themselves and +keep themselves alive until they should reach the age when they would +come into their Chancery-bound property of something like L20,000. The +magistrate ordered an inquiry, but of "subsequent proceedings" we have +not as yet seen any record. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RISING GENERATION. + +_Host._ "WHAT A SMART SET OF PEOPLE WE'VE GOT TO-NIGHT, DEARY!" + +_Hostess._ "YES. HOW I WISH ONE OF OUR DEAR GIRLS WOULD COME AND SIT +BY US, AND TELL US WHO EVERYBODY IS!"] + + * * * * * + +"HYMEN HYMENAEE!!!" + +JULY 6, 1893. + + ["Bid her awake; for Hymen is awake!" + + _Spenser's Epithalamion._ + + "A contract of true love to celebrate; And some donation + freely to estate On the bless'd lovers."--_The Tempest._] + + Hymen, the rose-crowned, is in sooth awake, + And all the world with him! + Shall drowsy opiate dim + The eyes of Love to-day? No, let all slake + A loyal thirst in bumpers, for Love's sake, + Full beaded to the brim! + + Like the Venusian's "mountain stream that roars + From bank to bank along, + When autumn rains are strong,"[A] + A deep-mouthed People lifts its voice, and pours + Its welcome forth, that like a Paean soars + In strains more sweet than song. + + More sweet than song, in that it straightway comes, + Unfeigned, from frank hearts; + From loyal lips it starts, + Unprompted, undragooned. The highway hums + With the full sound of it. Fifes, trumpets, drums + Bravely may play their parts. + + In the Imperial pageant, but the swell + Of the free English shout + Strikes sweeter--who dares doubt?-- + On Royal ears. Music of marriage bell + Clang on, and let the gold-mouth'd organ tell + Of love and praise devout! + + But the crowd's vigorous clamour has a voice + Finer and fuller still; + A passion of goodwill + Rings, to our ears, through all the exuberant noise, + Which the recipient's heart should more rejoice + Than all Cecilia's skill. + + So rivals for Apollo's laurel wreath + May loudly strike the lyre, + "To love, and young desire;"[B] + But "bold and lawless numbers grow beneath"[B] + The people's praise, and give the crowd's free breath + A "mastering touch of fire."[B] + + "Hymen, O Hymen!" beauteous ladies cry, + "Hymen, O Hymen!" loud + Shout forth the echoing crowd + The city through; patricians perched on high, + And the plebeian patient plodding by, + Raise incense like a cloud. + + And Hymen's here, kind eye on all to keep, + Hymen, with roses crowned, + Leads on the Lion, bound + In floral bonds and blossom-bridled, deep + In scattered flowers. Your lyres ye laureates sweep, + And marriage measures sound! + + Not Una's guardian more gladly bare + Burden more pleasant--pure! + With footing gently sure + Leo on-paces. Hymen's torch in air + Flames fragrantly. Was ever Happy Pair + So served, or so secure? + + Take the rose-reins, young bridegroom; bridled so + Leo's not hard to ride. + Sweet MAY, the new-made bride, + Will find her lion palfrey-paced. And lo! + The genial god's unfailing torch aglow + Burns bravely at her side! + + Epithalamia seem out of date; + Hymen cares not to-day + To trill a fulsome lay, + Or hymn High Bridals with Spenserian state. + Goodwill to goodness simply dedicate,-- + Such homage _Punch_ would pay. + + "Hymen, O Hymen!" Like this torch's flame, + Bright be your wedded days! + May a proud people's praise, + Well earned, be your award of honest fame; + And on each gracious head, + Light may it lie, the crown you yet may claim, + As rest these roses red! + +[Footnote A: HORACE, "Ad Iulum Antonium," Ode 2, Book IV.] + +[Footnote B: HORACE--_ut supra._] + +[Illustration: "HYMEN HYMENAEE!"] + + * * * * * + +A TALE OF THE ALHAMBRA. + +Mons. JACOBI is a wonderful man. The undefeated hero of a hundred +ballets--there or thereabouts--still beats time and the record with +his baton at the Alhambra; and his music, specially composed for +_Fidelia_, is to be reckoned among his ordinary triumphs. _Fidelia_ is +"a new Grand Romantic Ballet," in four tableaux, and its performance +justifies its promise. It is "new," it is decidedly "grand," it is +absorbingly "romantic," and there's no denying that it is a _Ballet +d'action_. But, as in the oft-quoted reply when little _Peterkin_ +asked "what it was all about," so will the ballet-case-hardened +spectator say, "'Why that I cannot tell,' quoth he, 'But 'twas a +splendid victory!'" Somebody, possibly one _Tartini_, played by +Signorina CORMANI, is in love with _Fidelia_, Signorina POLLINI, as +naturally anyone would be; when a comic servant, Mr. GEORGE LUPINO, +is frightened by a Demon Fiddler with his fiddle (both being played by +PAGANINI REDIVIVUS) who either assists the lovers or does his best to +prevent their coming together, I am not quite clear which. Up to the +last it seemed doubtful whether the Demon Doctor was a good or bad +spirit, or a little mixed. His appearance is decidedly against him, +as he looks the very deuce. But I am inclined to think that he was +a "_bon diable_," and was doing everything, as everybody else on the +stage and in the orchestra does, for the best. After all, and before +all, the show is the thing, and this will rank, as it does now, among +the best of the greatest attractions hitherto provided by the Alhambra +Company for an appreciative public and for + + YOUR REPRESENTATIVE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Scene from New Ballet. + +Conductor Jacobi Demonio charming the public to the Alhambra.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Madam DARMESTETER'S _Retrospect and other Poems_ is turned out by +FISHER UNWIN in that dainty dress with which he has made attractive +his Cameo Series. We used to know Madam DARMESTETER as Miss MARY F. +ROBINSON, a writer of charming verse. That in her new estate she has +not lost the old touch is witnessed by several pieces in this volume, +notably the first, which supplies the title. The penultimate verse of +this little lyric is most musical. There are several others nearly as +good. But occasionally Madam writes sad stuff. Of such is _The Death +of the Count of Armaniac_, of which this verse is a fair sample: + + "ARMANIAC, O ARMANIAC, + Why rode ye forth at noon? + Was there no hour at even, + No morning cool and boon?" + +My Baronite, though not yet entered for the Poet Laureateship, thinks +that kind of thing might be reeled off by the mile. Why not + + My Maniac, O my Maniac, + Why rode ye forth at eve? + Was there no hour at morning tide, + No water in the sieve? + +[Illustration: A Clerk in Our Booking-Office.] + +Three years ago an American firm issued a princely edition of _The +Memoir of Horace Walpole_, written by AUSTIN DOBSON. It was too +expensive for mere Britishers, and only a small number of copies found +their way to this country. But the literary work was so excellent, +that it was pronounced a pity it should be entombed in this costly +sarcophagus. Messrs. OSGOOD, MCILVAINE, & CO. have now brought out an +edition, in a single handsome volume, at a reasonable price. HORACE +WALPOLE has often been written about since he laid down the pen, +but never by a more sympathetic hand than Mr. DOBSON'S, nor by +one bringing to the task fuller knowledge of WALPOLE'S time and +contemporaries. The charm of style extends even to the notes, usually +in books of this class a tantalising adjunct. Mr. DOBSON'S are so full +of information, and so crisply told, that they might with advantage +have been incorporated in the text. The volume contains facsimiles of +HORACE WALPOLE'S handwriting, an etching of LAWRENCE'S portrait, and +a reproduction of the sketch of Strawberry Hill which illustrated the +catalogue of 1774. Altogether a delightful book that will, my Baronite +says, take its place on a favourite shelf of the library that has +grown up round the memory of one of the most interesting figures of +the Eighteenth Century. + + THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +WEAR AND TEAR IN AFRICA. + + [In the report on the proposed Mombasa Railway, it is + suggested that the station-buildings should be enclosed with a + strong live-thorn palisade, impenetrable to arrows.] + +SCENE--_A Station on the Mombasa Railway._ + +_New Station-Master_ (_to_ Telegraph Clerk). Did you send my message +this morning, asking for a consignment of revolvers and arrow-proof +shields? + +_Telegraph Clerk._ Yes, Sir. I can't make out why we haven't had an +answer. Something may have gone wrong with the wires. I sent one of +the porters to examine them. Ah, here he comes. + +_A Porter arrives._ + +_Porter._ Just as I thought, Sir. Them blessed niggers have run short +of cash, and they've bin and took a mile of our best wire. + +_Station-Master._ Taken a mile of wire? What the deuce do you mean? + +_Porter._ Ah, Sir, you're new to this 'ere job. Fact is, they can all +buy theirselves a wife a-piece for two yards of our wire; and as there +was a raid last week, and all their wives was made off with, they've +just bin and took our telegraph wire to buy theirselves a new lot. + +_Station-Master._ Dear me, how very provoking. I must make a report of +this occurrence immediately! But what does this crowd in the distance +mean? + +_Porter._ Why bless my heart, it's a Wednesday, and I'd quite +forgotten all about it. They always attacks us of a Wednesday, but +they're a good half hour earlier than last week. + +_Station-Master._ This is very strange, very strange indeed. I doubt +if the directors will approve of this. (_An arrow pierces him in the +calf of the leg._) Oh, I say, you know, this will never do. Close the +points--I mean shut the doors and barricade the windows. Let us at +least die as railway men should. + +_Porter._ Lor' bless you, Sir, we shan't die. We've only got to pick +off two or three dozen of 'em, and the rest will skip in no time. + + [_They retire within the palisade, and during the next half hour + fight for their lives._ + +_Telegraph Clerk_ (_plucking three arrows out of his left leg_). +Things are getting a bit hot. Hurrah! here's the 5.30 down express +with revolvers and ammunition. Now we shall settle 'em. + + [_Arrival of the express. Retreat of the natives._ + +_Station-Master._ I don't think I quite like this life. I'm going to +off it. + + [_Offs it accordingly._ + + * * * * * + +AN OLD MAN'S MUSINGS. + +(_After an Afternoon Pipe, at Nazareth House, Hammersmith._) + + ["Here again, clustered close round the fire + Are a number of grizzle-lock'd men, every one is a true 'hoary + sire.' + Bowed, time-beaten, grey, yet alert and responsive to kindness of + speech; + And see how old eyes can light up if you promise a pipe-charge to + each. + For the comforting weed KINGSLEY eulogised is not taboo in this + place, + Where the whiff aromatic brings not cold reproval to Charity's + face." + + "_An Autumn Afternoon at Nazareth House._" _Punch, Nov. 5, 1892._] + +[Illustration] + + I don't just know who KINGSLEY was, but he was a good sort, I + reckon! + When nerves are slack and spirits low, the glowing pipe-bowl seems + to beckon + Like a good ghost or spirit kind to the fireside where age reposes. + Yes! bacca makes an old man's chair as easeful as a bed of roses. + + Bad habit! So the strict ones say; expensive, wasteful, and + un-Christian! + I cannot argue of it out; I'm only a poor old Philistian. + But oh the comfort of a pipe, the company it lends the lonely! + It seems the poor soul's faithful friend, and oftentimes the last + and only. + + Thanks be, they're not the hard sort _here_, in Nazareth House. + The gentle sisters + Take on a many helpful task; some of 'em, I misdoubt, are twisters. + I don't suppose our "shag"-fumes seem as sweet to them as to us + others; + But--well, they do not treat us here as badged machines, but human + brothers. + + Stranded, alone, at seventy-five, after a life of luckless labour, + One feels what 'tis to be esteemed not as a nuisance, but a + neighbour; + A neighbour in the Good Book's sense; a poor one, and a helpless, + truly, + But--_not_ a plague, who'll live too long, if he is cossetted + unduly. + + Lawks me, the difference! Don't you know the chilly scorn, the + silent snubbing + Which makes a man, as _is_ a man, feel he'd far rather take a + drubbing? + Old age and workhouse-duds may hide a deal of nature--from + outsiders; + But do you think old "crocks" can't _feel_, when they're shrunk + from, like snails + or spiders? + + After my dinner, with my "clay," stringed round the stem, that + gums, now toothless, + May grip it firmer, here I sit and muse; and memory's sometimes + ruthless + In bringing up a blundering past. We own up frank, me and my + fellows, + Where we've gone wrong, and, in regrets employ our wheezy, worn + old bellows. + + What might have been, if--if--ah, _if_! That little word, of just + two letters, + Stops me worse than a five-barred gate. I wonder if it does my + betters? + We never tire round Winter's fire, or settle-ranged in Summer + weather, + Of telling of the wandering ways by which we gathered _here_ + together. + + If some who prate of paupers' ways, their tantrums, or their love + of snuffing, + Their fretting at cold, hard-fast rules, their fancy for sly + bacca-puffing, + Could only scan the paupers' past a little closer than their mode + is, + They'd learn that still some sparks of soul burn in those + broken-down old bodies. + + And soul does kick at iron rules, and icy ways. Old blood runs + chilly, + And craves the heat, of love, fire, pipe, to warm it up like. Very + silly, + No doubt, from BUMBLE'S point of view! _Here_ we're held human, + though so humble; + And, Heaven be blessed!--at Nazareth House we've never known the + rule of BUMBLE. + + The very old and very young are much alike in many a matter; + Comfort and cheeriness we want, play or a pipe, romps or a chatter. + The Nazareth Sisterhood know this, and what is more, they work + according. + 'Tis love and comfort make a Home, without 'em 'tis bare roof and + boarding! + + Bitter-sweet memories come sometimes; but a gay burst of + baby-laughter,-- + For we all _laugh_ at Nazareth House!--will banish gathering + blues. And after? + Well, there's the free-permitted whiff, the "old-boy" gossip, low + but cheery; + Rest and a Sister's sunny smile soon drive off whim and + whig-maleery. + + And so laid up, like some old hulk that can no more hope for + commission, + I sit, and muse, and puff; and wait that last great change in + man's condition + That shifts us to that Great High House to which the Sisters point + us daily; + Awaiting which in homely ease, Old Age dwells calmly if not gaily. + + * * * * * + +INTELLIGENCE A L'AMERICAINE. + +_Telegram No. 1._--Nothing could have been more terrible than the +scene following upon the earthquake. The houses sank through the +ground, and immediately a number of lions, tigers, and poisonous +serpents, attracted by the unusual occurrence, sprang upon the poor +inhabitants, and by their fierce attacks increased their misfortune. +But this was not all. Men and women, using swords, battle-axes, and +revolvers, fought amongst themselves, until the commotion created by +the landslip assumed the appearance of a pandemonium. At this moment, +to make confusion worse confounded, a heavy storm broke over the +fast-disappearing village, and thunderbolts fell like peas expelled +through a peashooter. As if this were not enough, several prairie +fires crept up, and the flames augmented the general discomfort. Take +it all and all, the sight was enough to make the cheek grow pale with +terror and apprehension. + +_Telegram No. 2._--Please omit lions, tigers, poisonous serpents, +swords, battle-axes, revolvers, thunderbolts, prairie fires and cheek. +They were forwarded in Telegram No. 1 owing to a clerical error. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. STARTLED.--"Most extraordinary things are reported in the +papers!" observed Mrs. R. "Only the other day I either heard or read +that there was a dangerous glazier somewhere about in the Caucasus, +that he was using horrible language, and threatening to d---- you'll +excuse my using such a word--the Terek (whoever he may be), and that +then he was going to amuse--no, the word was 'divert'--somebody. +Clearly a lunatic. But who can be diverted by such antics? And why +don't they lock up the glazier?" [_On referring to the report, her +nephew read that "A glacier was causing great alarm." &c., &c., that +it was expected temporarily to "dam the Terek, and divert a vast body +of water_," &c.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PISCATORIAL POLITENESS. + +(_From a Yorkshire stream._) + +_Privileged Old Keeper_ (_to Member of Fishing Club, of profuse and +ruddy locks, who is just about to try for the Big Trout, a very wary +fish_). "KEEP YER HEAD DOON, SIR, KEEP YER HEAD DOON!" (_Becoming +exasperated._) "'ORD BOU IT, MAN, KEEP YER HEAD DOON! YER M'T AS WEEL +COME WI' A TORCH-LEET PROCESSION TO TAK' A FISH!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 26._--Hardly knew House to-night. +Benches mostly empty; few present seemed to have no fight in them. +Little round at outset on Betterment principle. Members roughly and +not inaccurately illustrated it by staying outside. "In principle," +said PHILIPPE EGALITE, "the Terrace is Better meant for this weather +than the House." Mr. G. in his place, listening eagerly to speeches by +KIMBER, FERGUSSON, and other oratorical charmers. Generally believed +that he had gone off to Hatchlands for holiday; nothing for him to do +here; Home-Rule debate postponed till Wednesday; Supply, in meantime, +might well be left to Minister in charge. + +"The fact is, TOBY," said Mr. G., when I remarked upon the pleasurable +surprise of finding him in his place, "I really did think of making +a little holiday, staying away till Wednesday. But when I got up +this morning, looked round at green fields and lofty trees, they +irresistibly reminded me of benches in House of Commons, and the +pillars that support the gallery. Then the sunlit sky is very nice +in its way; but do you know anything softer, more translucent or +attractive than the light that floods the House of Commons from the +glass roof? The more I thought of these things the more restless I +grew amid tame attractions of rural life. This morning it might have +been said of me, in the words of the poet, + + Although my body's down at Hatchlands + My soul has gone aloft---- + +to Westminster. The country is there all through the year and every +day: Parliamentary Session lasts only seven, or at best eight months. +This year, if we've luck, we may run it into ten. But then House +doesn't meet every day. One is expected to go off to seaside, or +somewhere else, from Saturday to Monday. Thinking of these things, +couldn't resist temptation. So suddenly packed up, drove off, and here +I am. Needn't stop all night, you know, if you fellows grudge me a +little enjoyment; but shall at least begin evening pleasantly. +Shall vote in division on Betterment question, and make statement on +arrangements for Indian Currency." + +_Business done._--Some votes in Navy Estimates. + +_Tuesday._--CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN and W. WOODALL, V.C., the Casabiancas +of the evening. They sit on Treasury Bench, whence all but they have +fled; listen with polite attention to talk round Army Estimates; and +when there's anything like a lull get up and say few words. Whole +proceeding a farce of drearily colossal proportions. Major-General +HANBURY prances to front, reviews British forces under present +Administration, finds many buttons loose, and numerous gaiters askew. +Opportunity useful for showing that this Eminent Legislator has not +given up entirely to Home Rule what was meant for mankind. Omniscience +HANBURY'S forte; Army Reform his foible. Honourable distinction for +him that he has never drawn the sword on any tented field. Debates on +Army Estimates invariably call to the front an amazing reserve force +of unsuspected men of war. There are Colonels, Majors, and Captains +enough to officer the army at Monaco. + +There's WEBSTER of East St. Pancras for example. The few Members +present gasped for breath when, just now, he offered few observations +on War Office management. What did he do in this galley? Well known +that in interval of revising his popular Dictionary he trifles with +the law. Might, in course of time, come to be Lord Chancellor; +but never Field Marshal. That only shows how limited is current +information, how true the observation that the world knows nothing +of its greatest men. Why, for sixteen years WEBSTER served with +distinction in the Third Battalion South Lancashire Regiment! Under +his civilian waistcoat to this day he coyly hides the bronze medal for +Blameless Conduct. + +That he should take part in debate on Army Estimates not only natural, +but, in national interests, imperatively desirable. HANBURY'S case +quite otherwise. He never set a squadron a field, nor the division of +a battle knows more than ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS. Yet ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS is +not more glib, authoritative, or, on the whole, more entertaining when +Army Estimates are to the fore. + +_Business done._--Army Estimates in Committee. + +FRIDAY, 4 A.M.--Came upon NUSSEY an hour ago putting himself to bed +on a chair in the Library. This his first experience of Parliamentary +life; introduced at four o'clock yesterday afternoon, and took his +seat for Pontefract. "Lawka mussey! and is this NUSSEY?" cried WILFRED +LAWSON, whose aptitude for dropping into poetry beats _Silas Wegg_ +hollow. It certainly was NUSSEY yesterday afternoon, and this is what +is left of him in the sunshine of a summer morning. + +"Didn't think," he said, with a feeble smile, "that on occasion of my +proud entrance upon Parliamentary life I should forthwith be made into +an all-night NUSSEY. All very well to grow gradually into that state +of life. Begin, say, with suspending twelve-o'clock rule, and getting +off at one or two in the morning. But to plunge straight in like this +is, if I may say so, a little hard on newcomer fresh from country. +I suppose, from look of it, that it is only beginning of things. An +all-night NUSSEY to-day; a weekly NUSSEY before parched July has wet +its lips; and so on, till I become a monthly NUSSEY. Very kind of +you to come and see me, but if you don't mind, I'll just drop off to +sleep. Put the Amendments to the Home Rule Bill on the chimbley, and +I'll take a look at them when I feel dispoged." + +A nice night we've all had; moreover than which, at a quarter to +three, lemon squashes gave out, and as one of waiters in hoarse +voice assured me, there wasn't "a hounce of hice" left on premises. +Yesterday afternoon Mr. G. moved his time-table Closure scheme +in speech cogency of which testifies to miraculous advantage of +limitation of delivery within space of half-hour. PRINCE ARTHUR +followed in best debating speech he has delivered since he became +Leader. Most adroit in argument, excellent in manner, felicitous in +phrasing. He, too, brief, and therefore necessarily to the point. +After this flood-tide of talk opened, and flowed, shallow but +persistent, for next four hours. NAPOLEON BOLTONPARTY, getting on +board the Raft of Tilsit-cum-North-St.-Pancras, drifted up and down on +washy flood. Erect, arms folded, and imperial hat cocked defiantly +at Mr. G. Liberals howled at him; shouts of "Moscow! Moscow!" mingled +with cries of "Waterloo!" and "St. Helena!" N. B. shook his golden +lilies in their teeth, and punted his Raft into the Tory harbour. + +JOEY C. turned up after early dinner, and the waters were speedily +lashed into foam. Following the illustrious example of NAPOLEON +BOLTONPARTY, JOSEPH threw off all mask of deference to former leader. +Hitherto, even in moments of hottest conflict, JOEY C. has been sly, +dev'lish sly, in his hearing towards his "right hon. friend." +To-night he went for him, just as in days not so very far off good +Conservatives like GRANDOLPH, amid thunderous Tory cheers, used to +gird at the hero of the Aston Park Riots. "I admire the artful----" +Here he paused, and looked down with bitter smile on the apparently +sleeping figure of Mr. G. on the Treasury Bench. Five hundred lips in +the listening throng involuntarily formed the syllables in familiar +conjunction with the adjective. No, not yet. At present pace of +progression "dodger" may come. To-night JOSEPH content, having +gained the desired effect, to conclude the sentence with the words +"----minister who drew up this resolution." + +At two o'clock this morning note was taken of fact that Mr. G., having +been in his place almost incessantly since four yesterday afternoon, +had carried his more than four score years off to bed. SQUIRE OF +MALWOOD thought all sections of House would be anxious to spare the +PRIME MINISTER further vigil. JOSEPH up like catapult. "Perfectly +absurd," he snapped, "to attempt to make a fetish of name and age of +PRIME MINISTER." + +"There's one good thing we may hope to see come out of this night," +said Member for Sark. "It should make an end of the treacly farce +which bandies between hopelessly parted colleagues the title 'right +hon. friend.'" + +_Business done._--Sat for thirteen hours, and negatived first +Amendment to Closure Resolution. + +_Friday._--Having got away late last night, made up for it by coming +back early this afternoon. Morning sitting, but no more fight +left. Quite content with heroic struggle through long summer night; +everything over by seven o'clock. + +Hear touching story, which shows how deeply rooted in human mind is +habit of censoriousness. Not two more respectable-looking men in House +than BARTLEY and TOMLINSON. To be in their company is to receive a +liberal education in deportment. Walking home this morning, after +all-night sitting, in sad converse on possibilities of fresh +development of iniquity on part of Mr. G., they passed couple of +British workmen going forth to day's labour. Said first British +Workman, nudging his companion, and pointing with thumb over his +shoulder at wearied legislators: "Tell you what, BILL, _them_ coves +ain't been up to much good." + +_Business done._--Closure Resolutions agreed to. Home-Rule Bill packed +up in compartments, to be opened as directed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GOOD NEWS! + +_'Arry._ "'TAINT NO GOOD MIKING A FUSS ABOUT IT, YER KNOW, GUV'NOR! ME +AND MY PALS MUST 'AVE OUR 'D'Y OUT'!" + +_Foreign Fellow-Traveller._ "AHA! DIE OUT! YOU GO TO DIE OUT? MON +DIEU! I AM VAIRY GLAD TO 'EAR IT. IT IS TIME!"] + + * * * * * + +COMING EVENTS AT THE LYCEUM.--With the exception of _Becket_, the part +of _Shylock_ is HENRY IRVING'S most powerfully striking impersonation, +and certainly ELLEN TERRY is at her best as _Portia_. It is played +once again this month before our HENRY'S departure for America, and +should not be missed by any genuine lover of SHAKSPEARE and of true +dramatic art. _A propos_ of this, a certain excellent lady, whose +name, beginning with R, is not absolutely unknown to _Mr. Punch_, +asked this question:--"Isn't there some character in one of +SHAKSPEARE'S plays called '_Skylark_'?" Then, as she proceeded to give +a hazy idea of the plot, it gradually dawned upon the listeners that +the _Merchant of Venice_ was the person of whom she was thinking. + + * * * * * + +"Memoria Tecknica." July 1. + + "O mighty Mars! If in thy homage bred, + Each point of discipline I've still observed; + Of service, _to the rank of Major-General + Have risen_; assist thy votary now!" + + _The Critic, Act ii., Sc. 2._ + + * * * * * + +A FEW BARS REST.--According to the _Globe_ the Cavalier ROBERT STAGNO, +a well-known tenor, was arrested on a charge of forgery. What was +it? Did he sign himself guaranteed as a tenner, worth two fivers, and +'twas afterwards found he wasn't? The report requires confirmation, as +it is most unlikely that a tenor should go so low and do anything so +base. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. ON MUSIC.--Her nephew, who is an excellent amateur musician, +read out an advertisement of a concert at St. James's Hall--"SARASATE +_will play Suite No. 2_." His excellent relative, who is not well up +in such matters, interrupted him with--"Ah! I _should_ like to hear +Miss SARAH SARTY play 'Sweet No. 2'! I daresay it has something to do +with 'Sweet seventeen.'" No explanation was necessary. + + * * * * * + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been reepaired. + +['Vox et praeterea (praeterea) nihil: A voice and nothing else; sound +without sense.] + +This issue contains some dialect, which has been retained. + +Page 9: 'spendid' corrected to 'splendid'. "'But 'twas a splendid +victory!'" + +Page 13: 'A' corrected to 'At'. "At last, however, we managed to calm the +indignant ladies,..." + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +105, July 8th 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 35665.txt or 35665.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/6/6/35665/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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