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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105,
+July 8th 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, July 8th 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: March 24, 2011 [EBook #35665]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: PUNCH VOL CV]
+
+
+
+
+  LONDON:
+
+  PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,
+
+  AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
+
+  1893.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PREFACE]
+
+"_Vox, et præterea nihil!_" murmured
+Somebody in the background.
+
+"Who made that stale and inappropriate quotation?" exclaimed Mr.
+Oracle PUNCH, looking severely around the illustrious group gathered
+in his _sanctum_ about the brazen tripod which bore his brand-new
+Phonograph.
+
+Nobody answered.
+
+"Glad to see you are ashamed of yourself, whoever you are," snapped
+the Seer.
+
+"Rather think the--a--Spook spoke," muttered a self-important-looking
+personage, obliquely eyeing a shadowy visitor from Borderland.
+
+"Humph! JULIA may use _your_ hand, but you will not trump _mine_,"
+retorted the Oracle. "If _revenants_ knew what nonsense is put into
+their spectral mouths by noodles and charlatans, they would never
+return to be made spectral pilgarlics of."
+
+"A ghost is a good thing--in a Christmas story!" laughed the jolly old
+gentleman in a holly-crown. "Elsewhere it is generally a fraud and a
+nuisance."
+
+"Right, Father Christmas!" cried Mr. PUNCH. "But the _Voces_ from
+my Oracular Funograph are not ghostly nothings, neither are they
+ambiguous, like the oracles of the Sibyl of Cumæ,--to which, my
+eloquent Premier, some have had the audacity to compare certain of
+_your_ vocal deliverances."
+
+The Old Oracular Hand smiled sweetly. "_Nescit vox missa reverti_," he
+murmured. "Would that EDISON could invent a Party Leader's Phonograph
+whose utterances should satisfy at the time without danger of
+being quoted against one fifty years later by CLEON the Tanner, or
+AGORACRITUS the Sausage-Seller, to whom even the Sibylline Books would
+scarce have been sacred. But you and your Funograph--as you neatly
+call it--have never been Paphlagonian, have never had to give up to
+Party what was meant for Mankind."
+
+"_And_ Womankind, surely, Mr. GLADSTONE?" subjoined the Strong-minded
+Woman, glaring reproachfully through her spectacles at the
+Anti-Woman's-Rights Premier. "I wish I could say as much of _you_,
+Sir!"
+
+"Labour and the Ladies seem to have small share in his thoughts,"
+began the Striker, hotly, when Lord ROSEBERY touched him gently on his
+fustian-clad shoulder, and he subsided.
+
+"Am _I_ not a lady?" queried HIBERNIA, with an affectionate glance at
+her aged champion.
+
+"Golly, and me too?" added a damsel of dusky Libyan charms, clinging
+close to the stalwart arm of Napoleonic CECIL RHODES.
+
+"Yes--with a difference!" said the Oracle, drily. "'_Place aux dames_'
+is a motto of partial and rather capricious application, is it not, my
+evergreen Premier?"
+
+"A principle of politeness rather than of politics or Parliament--at
+present," murmured the G. O. M.
+
+"Pooh!" sniffed the Strong-minded Woman. "It will _spread_. Read Mr.
+H. FOWLER'S Bill, and Dr. ALFRED RUSSEL WALLACE'S _Woman and Natural
+Selection_; put this and that together, and perpend!"
+
+"The Penny Phonograph," pursued Mr. Oracle PUNCH, "is now prodigiously
+patronised. For the popular penny you can hear an American band, a
+Chevalier coster ballad, the 'Charge of the Light Brigade,' a comic
+song by 'Little TICH,' or a speech by the Old Man eloquent. No;
+for the latter I believe they charge twopence. That _is_ fame, my
+Pantagruelian Premier. But in _my_ Funograph--charge the unchangeable
+Threepence--you can hear the very voice of Wisdom and Wit, of Humanity
+and Humour, of Eloquence and Essential Truth, of Music and of Mirth!"
+
+"Hear! hear! hear!" chorussed everybody.
+
+"You _shall_ hear!" said the Oracle. "Stand round, all of you, and
+adjust your ear-tubes! DIONYSIUS'S EAR was not an aural 'circumstance'
+(as your countryman would say, CLEVELAND) compared with this. _Vox, et
+præterea nihil_, indeed!"
+
+"_Nihil_--or Nihilism," growled the Trafalgar Square Anarchist, "is
+the burden of the _vox populi_ of to-day----"
+
+"_Vox diaboli_, you mean," interrupted the great Funographer, sternly.
+"And there is no opening for that _vox_ here. Shut up! You are here,
+misguided mischief-maker, not to spout murderously dogmatic negation,
+but to listen and--I hope--learn!"
+
+"I trust you have guidance for me," murmured gentle but anxious-faced
+Charity. "It would, like my ministrations, be most seasonable--as
+Father Christmas could tell you--for between my innumerable claims,
+and my contradictory 'multitude of counsellors,' my friends and
+enemies, my gushingly indiscriminate enthusiasts, and my arid,
+hide-bound 'organisers,' I was never, my dear Mr. PUNCH, so completely
+puzzled in my life."
+
+"Sweet lady," responded the Oracle, with gentle gravity, "there is
+guidance here for _all_ who will listen; heavenly Charity and diabolic
+Anarchy, eloquent Statesmanship and adventurous Enterprise, scared
+Capital and clamorous Labour, fogged Finance and self-assertive
+Femininity; for the motley and many-voiced Utopia-hunters who fancy
+they see imminent salvation in Imperial Pomp or Parochial Pump,
+in Constitutional Clubs or County Councils, in Home Rule, Primrose
+Leagues, or the Living Wage, in Democracy or in Dynamite, in High Art
+or Mahatmas, in Science or in Spooks. Take your places, Ladies and
+Gentlemen! Charity first, if you please, with Father Christmas to her
+right, leaving room for the little New Year on her left. Listen all,
+and learn by the various voices of that many-cylindered, marvellous
+Funographic Machine, my
+
+ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTH VOLUME!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 105, JULY 8th 1893
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEALTH SEEKER'S VADE MECUM.
+
+(_Revised up to Date._)
+
+_Question._ Is it good for the health to keep awake?
+
+_Answer._ Certainly not; as sleep is most necessary to the body's
+repose.
+
+_Q._ Then should one go to sleep?
+
+_A._ No; for it must in the end be injurious to the mind.
+
+_Q._ Is walking a good thing?
+
+_A._ Certainly not; as it may lead to cramp.
+
+_Q._ Is resting to be recommended?
+
+_A._ Oh no; for exercise is absolutely a necessity.
+
+_Q._ Is riding permissible?
+
+_A._ Not when the wood pavement produces the new sore throat.
+
+_Q._ Should we eat?
+
+_A._ No; for everything is adulterated.
+
+_Q._ Should we drink?
+
+_A._ No; liquor is injurious.
+
+_Q._ Should we starve?
+
+_A._ No; meals are really needful.
+
+_Q._ Is it safe to stay at home?
+
+_A._ No; because change of air is most beneficial to everyone.
+
+_Q._ Is it advisable to go abroad?
+
+_A._ Not at all; many epidemics are reported to be rife everywhere on
+the other side of the channel.
+
+_Q._ Is it good to live?
+
+_A._ Scarcely; because illness is worse than death.
+
+_Q._ Is it good to die?
+
+_A._ Probably; everything else is a failure, so no doubt this, too, is
+a grand mistake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TO CRICKETERS.
+
+"OUT! FIRST BALL! A CATCH!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNDER THE ROOSE.
+
+RONDEL BY A RESTORED ONE.
+
+(_Some way after a Swinburnian Model._)
+
+  Under the ROOSE! Decay seemed slow but sure,
+  The golden chord Mors, lingering, aimed to loose;
+  But kindness, care, and skill work wondrous cure,
+  Under the ROOSE!
+
+  The patient probably had played the goose,
+  Liverish, listless, yielding to the lure
+  Of overstrain, caught in neglect's sly noose.
+
+  But symptoms pass if patience but endure,
+  And ROBSON'S regimen brooks no excuse.
+  Nerves get re-strung, the brisk blood pulses pure,
+  Under the ROOSE!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD PROVERB VERIFIED.--"Miss VERNE, whose renown as a pianist is
+rapidly increasing, has hitherto been known to concert-goers as Miss
+MATHILDE WURM." So at last "the WURM has turned," and become Miss
+VERNE!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT OUR EVENING PAPERS ARE COMING TO (_suggested by the newest thing
+in Pink and Green_).--Penny plain, and halfpenny coloured!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: 1893; OR, THE GOVERNMENT GUILLOTINE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  ["Here comes a light to light us to bed,
+  And a chopper to cut off the last--last--last Amendment's head!"
+
+  _Old Nursery Rhyme "amended."_]
+
+  There once was a Government good--
+  (All Governments are, so they tell us!)--
+  Who found themselves deep "in the wood,"
+  And a little bit blown in the "bellows."
+  Their foes, who were many and mean,
+  Persistently hunted and harried 'em.
+  Their time they to spend meant
+  On bogus "Amendment;"
+  They moved such by hundreds--and _all_ to befriend meant--
+  Jawed round 'em, and--now and then--carried 'em!
+  Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol!
+  That Government upped and it said--
+  "We seem to be getting no forrader.
+  It's time to go 'full steam ahead!'
+  _Bella horrida_ couldn't be horrider,
+  So let's declare 'war to the knife!'
+  Dr. GUILLOTIN'S knife, sharp and summary,
+  We _must_ put a stopper
+  On Unionist 'whopper,'
+  Or else the best Government must come a cropper
+  Along of their falsehood and flummery!"
+  Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol!
+  "Doctor GUILLOTIN claimed that his blade
+  Was 'a punishment sure, quick, and uniform,'
+  So when sham 'Amendment' has laid
+  On the table its paltry and puny form,
+  We'll just give it time to turn round,
+  And if it's prolix or cantankerous,
+  To the block be it led
+  And then--off with its head!"--
+  Well, for summary shrift there _is_ much to be said,
+  When the criminal's rowdy and rancorous.
+  Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUB JUDICE.
+
+(_An entirely Imaginary Report of an utterly Impossible Case._)
+
+THE MUSTARD MYSTERY. 120TH DAY.
+
+To-day the prisoner in this matter was once again brought before
+the magistrates on the charge already stated. The same counsel
+were present for the prosecution and the defence that had put in an
+appearance yesterday. The court was densely crowded.
+
+BENJAMIN BROWN deposed that he had often slammed a door. He knew the
+sound of the slamming of a door, and thought he could distinguish it
+from the noise of an earthquake. On cross examination he admitted
+that he had not slammed a door, and had never been present at an
+earthquake. On re-examination he said that although he had not been
+present at an earthquake he was conversant with its characteristics.
+
+JOHN JONES deposed that he had once seen a man who might have been the
+prisoner. It was sixteen years ago. The man to whom he referred was
+talking to a female. On cross-examination he admitted that, so far
+as he knew to the contrary, the man may have been addressing his
+grandmother. On re-examination he did not know that the female was a
+grandmother--she might have been a grand aunt.
+
+RICHARD ROBERTSON deposed that he had seen a pair of slippers. They
+might have been the slippers of the prisoner. He saw one of those
+slippers thrown with considerable force at a water-butt. He
+had examined the water-butt, and there was a mark on it. On
+cross-examination he admitted that he did not know how the mark on
+the water-butt had been made. It might have been by a boot, and not
+a slipper. He did not know to whom the slippers belonged. They might
+have been the property of the prisoner. He was not sure that he had
+seen the slippers in the presence of the prisoner. In fact, he was not
+sure he had ever seen the prisoner before. He was also doubtful about
+the identity of the slippers. However, on re-examination, he was sure
+he had seen some slippers, and also a water-butt.
+
+After some further evidence, the inquiry was adjourned until
+to-morrow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FASHION.
+
+"OH, MUMMY, HAVE YOU BEEN VACCINATED ON _BOTH_ ARMS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE THREE GEORGES.
+
+The following two letters have reached _Mr. Punch_, curiously enough,
+by the same post. Here they are, just as they were received:--
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Will you allow me, through your columns, to thank the
+public for the brilliant way in which they are recognising my claims
+to distinction? As I walk through the streets I see evidence on all
+hands that on Thursday night London will be ablaze with "G. M."!
+Permit me, Sir, thus publicly to thank a discriminating public.--Yours
+Egoist-ically,
+
+  G-ORGE M-R-D-TH.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The Alderman in Art is beaten, and even the City is
+one continuous tribute to "G. M." Critics, envious of my _Speaker_
+reputation, may carp, and say the tribute's all gas--a half-truth,
+concealing truth; but the public evidently know where to look for the
+true critical insight. I am obliged to them, and I thank you for this
+opportunity of saying so.
+
+  Yours (naturally) as fresh as paint,
+  G-ORGE M-RE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING THAT HAD BEEN BETTER LEFT UNSAID. (_By an ex-Old Bachelor,
+discontented with his condition in general, and his Mother-in-law in
+particular_).--"I will!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WEDDING FAVOUR.--A reserved first-class compartment on the London,
+Chatham and Dover.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AD FRATREM.
+
+BY A REMONSTRATIVE SISTER.
+
+(_See "Ad Examinatorem," Punch, July 1, 1893._)
+
+  Dear Tom, you astonished me quite
+  With your vigorous verses last week,
+  It will be an unceasing delight
+  In future, sweet brother, to speak
+  Of the family poet--yourself!
+  Yet I feel I must bid you beware.
+  It may not be nice, but the word of advice
+  Is your favourite, "Don't lose your hair!"
+
+  Yes, I own it was rather a blow
+  When they brought out the merciless list,
+  For you primed up the Pater, I know,
+  With such rubbish, and just _would_ insist
+  The Exam. was as hard as could be.
+  Ah! you painted it all at the worst,
+  It was hard lines on you, THOMAS, not to get through,
+  While the "crock" of a MAUD got a first.
+
+  Still, why did you rush into print
+  With your torrent of bitter complaint?
+  To do so without the least hint,
+  Well, brotherly, dear, it quite _ain't_.
+  'Twere wiser and better by far
+  To have laid all the blame on a tooth,
+  For whatever's the use of a lovely excuse
+  If not in concealing the truth?
+
+  So bottle your anger, dear boy,
+  Forget how to shuffle and shirk,
+  Find intelligent purpose and joy
+  In a season of honest hard work.
+  You'll pass when you go in again,
+  And eclipse in the passing poor me;
+  For a girl, though she can beat the whole tribe of Man,
+  Isn't fit, TOM, to have a degree!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SONG OF THE SESSION.
+
+AIR--"_What shall he have that kill'd the Deer?_"
+
+  What must he have who'd kill the Bill?
+  A leathern skin, and a stubborn will.
+  Brummagem's his home.
+  Take then no shame to name his name!
+  Bill-slaughtering is his little game.
+  He'd be its death--he swore it,
+  As limb from limb he tore it--
+  The Bill, the Bill, the lusty Bill!
+  Is it a thing Brum JOE _can_ kill?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TESTIMONIAL MANQUÉ.
+
+(A SKETCH FROM THE SUBURBS.)
+
+THE ARGUMENT--Mr. HOTSPUR PORPENTINE, _a distinguished resident in the
+rising suburb of Jerrymere, has recently been awarded fourteen
+days' imprisonment, without the option of a fine, for assaulting a
+ticket-collector, who had offered him the indignity of requiring him
+to show his season-ticket at the barrier. The scene is a Second-Class
+Compartment, in which four of_ Mr. PORPENTINE'S _neighbours are
+discussing the affair during their return from the City_.
+
+_Mr. Cockcroft (warmly)._ I say, Sir--and I'm sure all here will bear
+me out--that such a sentence was a scandalous abuse of justice. As
+a near neighbour, and an intimate friend of PORPENTINE'S, I don't
+'esitate to assert that he has done nothing whatever to forfeit our
+esteem. He's a quick-tempered man, as we're all aware, and to be asked
+by some meddlesome official to show his season, after travelling
+on the line constantly for years, and leaving it at home that
+morning--why--I don't blame him if he _did_ use his umbrella!
+
+_Mr. Balch. (sympathetically)._ Nor I. PORPENTINE'S a man I've always
+had a very 'igh respect for ever since I came into this neighbourhood.
+I've always found him a good feller, and a good neighbour.
+
+_Mr. Filkins (deferentially)._ I can't claim to be as intimate with
+him as some here; but, if it isn't putting myself too far forward to
+say so, I very cordially beg to say ditto to those sentiments.
+
+_Mr. Sibbering_ (_who has never "taken to"_ PORPENTINE). Well, he's
+had a sharp lesson,--there's no denying that.
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ Precisely, and it occurs to me that when he--ah--returns
+to public life, it would be a kind thing, and a graceful thing, and
+a thing he would--ah--appreciate in the spirit it was intended, if
+we were to present him with some little token of our sympathy and
+unabated esteem--what do you fellers think?
+
+_Mr. Filk._ A most excellent suggestion, if my friend here will allow
+me to say so. I, for one, shall be proud to contribute to so worthy an
+object.
+
+_Mr. Balch._ I don't see why we shouldn't present him with an
+address--'ave it illuminated, and framed and glazed; sort of thing
+he could 'ang up and 'and down to his children after him as an
+_heirloom_, y' know.
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ I don't like to throw cold water on any proposition, but
+if you want _my_ opinion, I must say I see no necessity for making a
+public thing of it in that way.
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ I'm with SIBBERING there. The less fuss there is about
+it, the better PORPENTINE'll be pleased. My idea is to give him
+something of daily use--a _useful_ thing, y' know.
+
+_Mr. Balch._ Useful _or_ ornamental. Why not his own portrait? There's
+many an artist who would do him in oils, and guarantee a likeness,
+frame included, for a five-pound note.
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ If it's to be like PORPENTINE, it certainly won't be
+_ornamental_, whatever else it is.
+
+_Mr. Filk._ It can't be denied that he is remarkably plain in the
+face. We'd better, as our friend Mr. COCKCROFT here proposes, make it
+something of daily use--a good serviceable silk umberella now--that's
+_always_ appropriate.
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ To make up for the one he broke over the collector's head,
+eh? that's _appropriate_ enough!
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ No, no; you mean well, FILKINS, but you must see
+yourself, on reflection, that there would be a certain want
+of--ah--good taste in giving him a thing like that under the
+circumstances. I should suggest something like a hatstand--a handsome
+one, of course. I happen to know that he has nothing in the passage at
+present but a row of pegs.
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ I should have thought he'd been taken down enough pegs
+already.
+
+[Illustration: "Well, he's had a sharp lesson,--there's no denying
+that."]
+
+_Mr. Filk. (who resents the imputation upon his taste)._ I can't say
+what the width of Mr. PORPENTINE'S passage may be, never having been
+privileged with an invitation to pass the threshold, but unless it's
+wider than ours is, he couldn't get a hatstand in if he tried, and
+if my friend COCKCROFT will excuse the remark, I see no sense--to say
+nothing of good taste, about which perhaps I mayn't be qualified to
+pass an opinion--in giving him an article he's got no room for.
+
+_Mr. Cocker. (with warmth)._ There's room enough in PORPENTINE'S
+passage for a whole host of hatstands, if that's all, and I know
+what I'm speaking about. I've been in and out there often enough.
+I'm--ah--a regular tame cat in that house. But if you're against the
+'atstand, I say no more--we'll waive it. How would it do if we gave
+him a nice comfortable easy-chair--something he could sit in of an
+evening, y' know?
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ A touchy chap like PORPENTINE would be sure to fancy
+we thought he wanted something soft after a hard bench and a plank
+bed--you can't go and give him _furniture_!
+
+_Mr. Cocker. (with dignity)._ There's a way of doing all things. I
+wasn't proposing to go and chuck the chair _at_ him--he's a sensitive
+feller in many respects, and he'd feel _that_, I grant you. He can't
+object to a little present of that sort just from four friends like
+ourselves.
+
+_Mr. Balch. (with a falling countenance)._ Oh! I thought it was to be
+a general affair, limited to a small sum, so that all who liked could
+join in. I'd no notion you meant to keep it such a private matter as
+all that.
+
+_Mr. Filk._ Nor I. And, knowing Mr. PORPENTINE so slightly as I do, he
+might consider it presumption in me, making myself so prominent in the
+matter--or else I'm sure----
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ There's no occasion for anyone to be prominent, except
+myself. You leave it entirely in my 'ands. I'll have the chair taken
+up some evening to PORPENTINE'S house on a 'andcart, and drop in, and
+just lead up to it carelessly, if you understand me, then go out and
+wheel the chair in, make him try it--and there you _are_.
+
+_Mr. Balch._ There _you_ are, right enough; but I don't see where _we_
+come in, exactly.
+
+_Mr. Filk._ If it's to be confined to just us four, I certingly think
+we ought _all_ to be present at the presentation.
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ That would be just the very thing to put a man like
+PORPENTINE out--a crowd dropping in on him like that! I know his ways,
+and, seeing I'm providing the chair----
+
+_Mr. Balch. (relieved)._ You are? That's different, of course; but I
+thought you said that we four----
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ I'm coming to that. As the prime mover, and a particular
+friend of PORPENTINE'S, it's only right and fair I should bear the
+chief burden. There's an easy-chair I have at home that only wants
+re-covering to be as good as new, and all you fellers need do is to
+pay for 'aving it nicely done up in velvet, or what not, and we'll
+call it quits.
+
+_Mr. Balch._ I daresay; but I like to know what I'm letting myself
+in for; and there's upholsterers who'll charge as much for doing up a
+chair as would furnish a room.
+
+_Mr. Filk._ I--I shouldn't feel justified, with my family, and, as,
+comparatively speaking, a recent resident, in going beyond a certain
+limit, and unless the estimate could be kep' down to a moderate sum, I
+really----
+
+_Mr. Sibb. (unmasking)._ After all, you know, I don't see why we
+should go to any expense over a stuck-up, cross-grained chap like
+PORPENTINE. It's well-known he hasn't a good word to say for us
+Jerrymere folks, and considers himself above the lot of us!
+
+_Mr. Balch and Mr. Filk._ I'm bound to say there's a good deal in what
+SIBBERING says. PORPENTINE'S never shown himself what _I_ should call
+sociable.
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ I've never found him anything but pleasant myself,
+whatever he may be to others. I'm not denying he's an _exclusive_ man,
+and a _fastidious_ man, but he's been 'arshly treated, and _I_ should
+have thought this was an occasion--if ever there was one--for putting
+any private feelings aside, and rallying round him to show our respect
+and sympathy. But of course if you're going to let petty jealousies
+of this sort get the better of you, and leave me to do the 'ole thing
+myself, _I've_ no objection. I daresay he'll value it all the more
+coming from me.
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ Well, he _ought_ to, after the shameful way he's spoken of
+you to a friend of mine in the City, who shall be nameless. You
+mayn't know, and if not, it's only right I should mention it, that
+he complained bitterly of having to change his regular train on
+your account, and said (I'm only repeating his words, mind you) that
+Jerrymere was entirely populated by bores, but you were the worst of
+the lot, and your jabber twice a day was more than he _could_ stand.
+He mayn't have _meant_ anything by it, but it was decidedly uncalled
+for.
+
+_Mr. Cockcr. (reddening)._ I 'ope I'm above being affected by
+the opinion any man may express of my conversation--especially a
+cantankerous feller, who can't keep his temper under decent control. A
+feller who goes and breaks his umbrella over an unoffending official's
+'ead like that, and gets, very properly, locked up for it! Jerrymere
+society isn't good enough for him, it seems. He won't be troubled with
+much of it in future--_I_ can assure him! Upon my word, now I come
+to think of it, I'm not sure he shouldn't be called upon for an
+explanation of how he came to be travelling without a ticket; it looks
+very much to me as if he'd been systematically defrauding the Company!
+
+_Mr. Filk._ Well, I didn't like to say so before; but that's been _my_
+view all along!
+
+_Mr. Balch._ And mine.
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ Now perhaps you understand why we'd rather leave it to you
+to give him the arm-chair.
+
+_Mr. Cockcr._ _I_ give a man an arm-chair for bringing disgrace on the
+'ole of Jerrymere! I'd sooner break it up for firewood! Whoever it was
+that first started all this tomfoolery about a testimonial, I'm not
+going to 'ave _my_ name associated with it, and if you'll take
+_my_ advice, you'll drop it once and for all, for it's only making
+yourselves ridiculous! [_His companions, observing that he is in
+a somewhat excited condition, consider it advisable to change the
+subject._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Tuesday, June 27._--_Faust_, in French. JEAN DE RESZKE was to have
+been _Faust_, but the "vaulting ambition" of the eminent Polish
+tenor led him to attempt a high jump with another Pole--the
+leaping-pole--and whether he had not his compatriot well in hand,
+or whether, "with love's light wings," _Roméo_ did _not_ manage to
+"o'ertop" the highest note above the line, deponent sayeth not, but
+this much is known, that he fell at the high jump, and, feeling the
+pain first in the under part of his foot, and then in the leg, he
+exclaimed, with _Hamlet_, "O my prophetic sole, my ankle!" the result
+being that he appeareth not to-night as _Faust_. If Frère JEAN DE
+RESZKE is going on by "leaps and bounds" in this manner, he will
+be known as "Brother JOHN the Risky." Madame NORDICA happy as
+_Marguerite_--at least she looked it, for even in the most tragic
+scenes there is always a sweet smile on her dimpled cheeks. Mlle.
+BAUERMEISTER makes a _Marta_ of herself as the merry old dame;
+Mlle. GUERCIA, as _Siebel_, is a Siebeline mystery; LASSALLE, as
+_Valentine_, pleases _la salle_; but Brother EDWARD "_prends le
+gâteau_" as _Mephistopheles_.
+
+[Illustration: "O my prophetic sole, my ankle!"]
+
+_Wednesday._--_Tristan und Isolde_, which may be rendered _Triste
+'un und I solde-not-so-many-tickets-as-usual_, or _Triste 'un und I'm
+Sold_. "The fourth of the WAGNER Cycle." If there are eight of them
+then this is the Bi-Cycle, but there's more woe than weal in it, and
+though extracts may be relished by the learned amateur, yet, as a
+whole, WAGNER'S _Tristan_ does not attract our opera-going public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM.--No Nursery of Music can possibly be complete without
+"Leading-Strings."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON TICK.
+
+_Seedy Swell._ "I SAY, OLD CHAP, TELL US THE TIME. I'M SURE YOUR WATCH
+GOES WELL."
+
+_Second S. S._ "IT GOES BEAUTIFULLY. IT WENT SIX MONTHS AGO TO MY
+UNCLE'S!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE FRENCH OARSMEN.
+
+(_From Mr. Punch, at Henley._)
+
+  Here's a hand, my fine fellows; in friendship you come,
+  And _Punch_, who likes courage, would scorn to be dumb.
+  He greets you with cheers; may your shades ne'er diminish,
+  Though you row forty-four from the start to the finish.
+  You will bear yourselves bravely, and merit your fame,
+  For brave man and Frenchman mean mostly the same.
+  We shall do what we can--it's our duty--to beat you,
+  But we know it will take a tough crew to defeat you.
+  And whatever the upshot, howe'er the race ends,
+  You and we, having struggled, shall always be friends.
+  So accept, while we cheer you again and again,
+  This welcome from Thames to his sister, the Seine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SKINNERS AND SKINNED.--One portion of the ancient award of Sir ROBERT
+BILLESDON, Lord Mayor of London, in settling a dispute between the
+Skinners and Merchant Taylors, was, that these two Companies should
+dine together once a year. Mr. Justice BRUCE, alluding to this at
+the banquet on Skinners Day, when, as was natural, many lawyers were
+present, suggested that it would be a good thing if power were given
+to judges to "condemn litigants to dine together, and to order that
+the costs of the dinner should come out of the Consolidated Fund"--a
+very good notion. The idea might be extended to entertaining Wards in
+Chancery, of whom two unhappy infants the other day were had up at the
+Police Court for picking and stealing, in order to feed themselves and
+keep themselves alive until they should reach the age when they would
+come into their Chancery-bound property of something like £20,000. The
+magistrate ordered an inquiry, but of "subsequent proceedings" we have
+not as yet seen any record.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RISING GENERATION.
+
+_Host._ "WHAT A SMART SET OF PEOPLE WE'VE GOT TO-NIGHT, DEARY!"
+
+_Hostess._ "YES. HOW I WISH ONE OF OUR DEAR GIRLS WOULD COME AND SIT
+BY US, AND TELL US WHO EVERYBODY IS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HYMEN HYMENÆE!!!"
+
+JULY 6, 1893.
+
+    ["Bid her awake; for Hymen is awake!"
+
+    _Spenser's Epithalamion._
+
+    "A contract of true love to celebrate; And some donation
+    freely to estate On the bless'd lovers."--_The Tempest._]
+
+  Hymen, the rose-crowned, is in sooth awake,
+  And all the world with him!
+  Shall drowsy opiate dim
+  The eyes of Love to-day? No, let all slake
+  A loyal thirst in bumpers, for Love's sake,
+  Full beaded to the brim!
+
+  Like the Venusian's "mountain stream that roars
+  From bank to bank along,
+  When autumn rains are strong,"[A]
+  A deep-mouthed People lifts its voice, and pours
+  Its welcome forth, that like a Pæan soars
+  In strains more sweet than song.
+
+  More sweet than song, in that it straightway comes,
+  Unfeignéd, from frank hearts;
+  From loyal lips it starts,
+  Unprompted, undragooned. The highway hums
+  With the full sound of it. Fifes, trumpets, drums
+  Bravely may play their parts.
+
+  In the Imperial pageant, but the swell
+  Of the free English shout
+  Strikes sweeter--who dares doubt?--
+  On Royal ears. Music of marriage bell
+  Clang on, and let the gold-mouth'd organ tell
+  Of love and praise devout!
+
+  But the crowd's vigorous clamour has a voice
+  Finer and fuller still;
+  A passion of goodwill
+  Rings, to our ears, through all the exuberant noise,
+  Which the recipient's heart should more rejoice
+  Than all Cecilia's skill.
+
+  So rivals for Apollo's laurel wreath
+  May loudly strike the lyre,
+  "To love, and young desire;"[B]
+  But "bold and lawless numbers grow beneath"[B]
+  The people's praise, and give the crowd's free breath
+  A "mastering touch of fire."[B]
+
+  "Hymen, O Hymen!" beauteous ladies cry,
+  "Hymen, O Hymen!" loud
+  Shout forth the echoing crowd
+  The city through; patricians perched on high,
+  And the plebeian patient plodding by,
+  Raise incense like a cloud.
+
+  And Hymen's here, kind eye on all to keep,
+  Hymen, with roses crowned,
+  Leads on the Lion, bound
+  In floral bonds and blossom-bridled, deep
+  In scattered flowers. Your lyres ye laureates sweep,
+  And marriage measures sound!
+
+  Not Una's guardian more gladly bare
+  Burden more pleasant--pure!
+  With footing gently sure
+  Leo on-paces. Hymen's torch in air
+  Flames fragrantly. Was ever Happy Pair
+  So served, or so secure?
+
+  Take the rose-reins, young bridegroom; bridled so
+  Leo's not hard to ride.
+  Sweet MAY, the new-made bride,
+  Will find her lion palfrey-paced. And lo!
+  The genial god's unfailing torch aglow
+  Burns bravely at her side!
+
+  Epithalamia seem out of date;
+  Hymen cares not to-day
+  To trill a fulsome lay,
+  Or hymn High Bridals with Spenserian state.
+  Goodwill to goodness simply dedicate,--
+  Such homage _Punch_ would pay.
+
+  "Hymen, O Hymen!" Like this torch's flame,
+  Bright be your wedded days!
+  May a proud people's praise,
+  Well earned, be your award of honest fame;
+  And on each gracious head,
+  Light may it lie, the crown you yet may claim,
+  As rest these roses red!
+
+[Footnote A: HORACE, "Ad Iulum Antonium," Ode 2, Book IV.]
+
+[Footnote B: HORACE--_ut supra._]
+
+[Illustration: "HYMEN HYMENÆE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TALE OF THE ALHAMBRA.
+
+Mons. JACOBI is a wonderful man. The undefeated hero of a hundred
+ballets--there or thereabouts--still beats time and the record with
+his bâton at the Alhambra; and his music, specially composed for
+_Fidelia_, is to be reckoned among his ordinary triumphs. _Fidelia_ is
+"a new Grand Romantic Ballet," in four tableaux, and its performance
+justifies its promise. It is "new," it is decidedly "grand," it is
+absorbingly "romantic," and there's no denying that it is a _Ballet
+d'action_. But, as in the oft-quoted reply when little _Peterkin_
+asked "what it was all about," so will the ballet-case-hardened
+spectator say, "'Why that I cannot tell,' quoth he, 'But 'twas a
+splendid victory!'" Somebody, possibly one _Tartini_, played by
+Signorina CORMANI, is in love with _Fidelia_, Signorina POLLINI, as
+naturally anyone would be; when a comic servant, Mr. GEORGE LUPINO,
+is frightened by a Demon Fiddler with his fiddle (both being played by
+PAGANINI REDIVIVUS) who either assists the lovers or does his best to
+prevent their coming together, I am not quite clear which. Up to the
+last it seemed doubtful whether the Demon Doctor was a good or bad
+spirit, or a little mixed. His appearance is decidedly against him,
+as he looks the very deuce. But I am inclined to think that he was
+a "_bon diable_," and was doing everything, as everybody else on the
+stage and in the orchestra does, for the best. After all, and before
+all, the show is the thing, and this will rank, as it does now, among
+the best of the greatest attractions hitherto provided by the Alhambra
+Company for an appreciative public and for
+
+  YOUR REPRESENTATIVE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Scene from New Ballet.
+
+Conductor Jacobi Demonio charming the public to the Alhambra.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Madam DARMESTETER'S _Retrospect and other Poems_ is turned out by
+FISHER UNWIN in that dainty dress with which he has made attractive
+his Cameo Series. We used to know Madam DARMESTETER as Miss MARY F.
+ROBINSON, a writer of charming verse. That in her new estate she has
+not lost the old touch is witnessed by several pieces in this volume,
+notably the first, which supplies the title. The penultimate verse of
+this little lyric is most musical. There are several others nearly as
+good. But occasionally Madam writes sad stuff. Of such is _The Death
+of the Count of Armaniac_, of which this verse is a fair sample:
+
+  "ARMANIAC, O ARMANIAC,
+  Why rode ye forth at noon?
+  Was there no hour at even,
+  No morning cool and boon?"
+
+My Baronite, though not yet entered for the Poet Laureateship, thinks
+that kind of thing might be reeled off by the mile. Why not
+
+  My Maniac, O my Maniac,
+  Why rode ye forth at eve?
+  Was there no hour at morning tide,
+  No water in the sieve?
+
+[Illustration: A Clerk in Our Booking-Office.]
+
+Three years ago an American firm issued a princely edition of _The
+Memoir of Horace Walpole_, written by AUSTIN DOBSON. It was too
+expensive for mere Britishers, and only a small number of copies found
+their way to this country. But the literary work was so excellent,
+that it was pronounced a pity it should be entombed in this costly
+sarcophagus. Messrs. OSGOOD, MCILVAINE, & CO. have now brought out an
+edition, in a single handsome volume, at a reasonable price. HORACE
+WALPOLE has often been written about since he laid down the pen,
+but never by a more sympathetic hand than Mr. DOBSON'S, nor by
+one bringing to the task fuller knowledge of WALPOLE'S time and
+contemporaries. The charm of style extends even to the notes, usually
+in books of this class a tantalising adjunct. Mr. DOBSON'S are so full
+of information, and so crisply told, that they might with advantage
+have been incorporated in the text. The volume contains facsimiles of
+HORACE WALPOLE'S handwriting, an etching of LAWRENCE'S portrait, and
+a reproduction of the sketch of Strawberry Hill which illustrated the
+catalogue of 1774. Altogether a delightful book that will, my Baronite
+says, take its place on a favourite shelf of the library that has
+grown up round the memory of one of the most interesting figures of
+the Eighteenth Century.
+
+  THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEAR AND TEAR IN AFRICA.
+
+    [In the report on the proposed Mombasa Railway, it is
+    suggested that the station-buildings should be enclosed with a
+    strong live-thorn palisade, impenetrable to arrows.]
+
+SCENE--_A Station on the Mombasa Railway._
+
+_New Station-Master_ (_to_ Telegraph Clerk). Did you send my message
+this morning, asking for a consignment of revolvers and arrow-proof
+shields?
+
+_Telegraph Clerk._ Yes, Sir. I can't make out why we haven't had an
+answer. Something may have gone wrong with the wires. I sent one of
+the porters to examine them. Ah, here he comes.
+
+_A Porter arrives._
+
+_Porter._ Just as I thought, Sir. Them blessed niggers have run short
+of cash, and they've bin and took a mile of our best wire.
+
+_Station-Master._ Taken a mile of wire? What the deuce do you mean?
+
+_Porter._ Ah, Sir, you're new to this 'ere job. Fact is, they can all
+buy theirselves a wife a-piece for two yards of our wire; and as there
+was a raid last week, and all their wives was made off with, they've
+just bin and took our telegraph wire to buy theirselves a new lot.
+
+_Station-Master._ Dear me, how very provoking. I must make a report of
+this occurrence immediately! But what does this crowd in the distance
+mean?
+
+_Porter._ Why bless my heart, it's a Wednesday, and I'd quite
+forgotten all about it. They always attacks us of a Wednesday, but
+they're a good half hour earlier than last week.
+
+_Station-Master._ This is very strange, very strange indeed. I doubt
+if the directors will approve of this. (_An arrow pierces him in the
+calf of the leg._) Oh, I say, you know, this will never do. Close the
+points--I mean shut the doors and barricade the windows. Let us at
+least die as railway men should.
+
+_Porter._ Lor' bless you, Sir, we shan't die. We've only got to pick
+off two or three dozen of 'em, and the rest will skip in no time.
+
+  [_They retire within the palisade, and during the next half hour
+  fight for their lives._
+
+_Telegraph Clerk_ (_plucking three arrows out of his left leg_).
+Things are getting a bit hot. Hurrah! here's the 5.30 down express
+with revolvers and ammunition. Now we shall settle 'em.
+
+  [_Arrival of the express. Retreat of the natives._
+
+_Station-Master._ I don't think I quite like this life. I'm going to
+off it.
+
+  [_Offs it accordingly._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OLD MAN'S MUSINGS.
+
+(_After an Afternoon Pipe, at Nazareth House, Hammersmith._)
+
+  ["Here again, clustered close round the fire
+  Are a number of grizzle-lock'd men, every one is a true 'hoary
+          sire.'
+  Bowed, time-beaten, grey, yet alert and responsive to kindness of
+          speech;
+  And see how old eyes can light up if you promise a pipe-charge to
+          each.
+  For the comforting weed KINGSLEY eulogised is not taboo in this
+          place,
+  Where the whiff aromatic brings not cold reproval to Charity's
+          face."
+
+  "_An Autumn Afternoon at Nazareth House._" _Punch, Nov. 5, 1892._]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  I don't just know who KINGSLEY was, but he was a good sort, I
+          reckon!
+  When nerves are slack and spirits low, the glowing pipe-bowl seems
+          to beckon
+  Like a good ghost or spirit kind to the fireside where age reposes.
+  Yes! bacca makes an old man's chair as easeful as a bed of roses.
+
+  Bad habit! So the strict ones say; expensive, wasteful, and
+          un-Christian!
+  I cannot argue of it out; I'm only a poor old Philistian.
+  But oh the comfort of a pipe, the company it lends the lonely!
+  It seems the poor soul's faithful friend, and oftentimes the last
+          and only.
+
+  Thanks be, they're not the hard sort _here_, in Nazareth House.
+          The gentle sisters
+  Take on a many helpful task; some of 'em, I misdoubt, are twisters.
+  I don't suppose our "shag"-fumes seem as sweet to them as to us
+          others;
+  But--well, they do not treat us here as badged machines, but human
+          brothers.
+
+  Stranded, alone, at seventy-five, after a life of luckless labour,
+  One feels what 'tis to be esteemed not as a nuisance, but a
+          neighbour;
+  A neighbour in the Good Book's sense; a poor one, and a helpless,
+          truly,
+  But--_not_ a plague, who'll live too long, if he is cossetted
+          unduly.
+
+  Lawks me, the difference! Don't you know the chilly scorn, the
+          silent snubbing
+  Which makes a man, as _is_ a man, feel he'd far rather take a
+          drubbing?
+  Old age and workhouse-duds may hide a deal of nature--from
+          outsiders;
+  But do you think old "crocks" can't _feel_, when they're shrunk
+          from, like snails
+  or spiders?
+
+  After my dinner, with my "clay," stringed round the stem, that
+          gums, now toothless,
+  May grip it firmer, here I sit and muse; and memory's sometimes
+          ruthless
+  In bringing up a blundering past. We own up frank, me and my
+          fellows,
+  Where we've gone wrong, and, in regrets employ our wheezy, worn
+          old bellows.
+
+  What might have been, if--if--ah, _if_! That little word, of just
+          two letters,
+  Stops me worse than a five-barred gate. I wonder if it does my
+          betters?
+  We never tire round Winter's fire, or settle-ranged in Summer
+          weather,
+  Of telling of the wandering ways by which we gathered _here_
+          together.
+
+  If some who prate of paupers' ways, their tantrums, or their love
+          of snuffing,
+  Their fretting at cold, hard-fast rules, their fancy for sly
+          bacca-puffing,
+  Could only scan the paupers' past a little closer than their mode
+          is,
+  They'd learn that still some sparks of soul burn in those
+          broken-down old bodies.
+
+  And soul does kick at iron rules, and icy ways. Old blood runs
+          chilly,
+  And craves the heat, of love, fire, pipe, to warm it up like. Very
+          silly,
+  No doubt, from BUMBLE'S point of view! _Here_ we're held human,
+          though so humble;
+  And, Heaven be blessed!--at Nazareth House we've never known the
+          rule of BUMBLE.
+
+  The very old and very young are much alike in many a matter;
+  Comfort and cheeriness we want, play or a pipe, romps or a chatter.
+  The Nazareth Sisterhood know this, and what is more, they work
+          according.
+  'Tis love and comfort make a Home, without 'em 'tis bare roof and
+          boarding!
+
+  Bitter-sweet memories come sometimes; but a gay burst of
+          baby-laughter,--
+  For we all _laugh_ at Nazareth House!--will banish gathering
+          blues. And after?
+  Well, there's the free-permitted whiff, the "old-boy" gossip, low
+          but cheery;
+  Rest and a Sister's sunny smile soon drive off whim and
+          whig-maleery.
+
+  And so laid up, like some old hulk that can no more hope for
+          commission,
+  I sit, and muse, and puff; and wait that last great change in
+          man's condition
+  That shifts us to that Great High House to which the Sisters point
+          us daily;
+  Awaiting which in homely ease, Old Age dwells calmly if not gaily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTELLIGENCE À L'AMERICAINE.
+
+_Telegram No. 1._--Nothing could have been more terrible than the
+scene following upon the earthquake. The houses sank through the
+ground, and immediately a number of lions, tigers, and poisonous
+serpents, attracted by the unusual occurrence, sprang upon the poor
+inhabitants, and by their fierce attacks increased their misfortune.
+But this was not all. Men and women, using swords, battle-axes, and
+revolvers, fought amongst themselves, until the commotion created by
+the landslip assumed the appearance of a pandemonium. At this moment,
+to make confusion worse confounded, a heavy storm broke over the
+fast-disappearing village, and thunderbolts fell like peas expelled
+through a peashooter. As if this were not enough, several prairie
+fires crept up, and the flames augmented the general discomfort. Take
+it all and all, the sight was enough to make the cheek grow pale with
+terror and apprehension.
+
+_Telegram No. 2._--Please omit lions, tigers, poisonous serpents,
+swords, battle-axes, revolvers, thunderbolts, prairie fires and cheek.
+They were forwarded in Telegram No. 1 owing to a clerical error.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. R. STARTLED.--"Most extraordinary things are reported in the
+papers!" observed Mrs. R. "Only the other day I either heard or read
+that there was a dangerous glazier somewhere about in the Caucasus,
+that he was using horrible language, and threatening to d---- you'll
+excuse my using such a word--the Terek (whoever he may be), and that
+then he was going to amuse--no, the word was 'divert'--somebody.
+Clearly a lunatic. But who can be diverted by such antics? And why
+don't they lock up the glazier?" [_On referring to the report, her
+nephew read that "A glacier was causing great alarm." &c., &c., that
+it was expected temporarily to "dam the Terek, and divert a vast body
+of water_," &c.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PISCATORIAL POLITENESS.
+
+(_From a Yorkshire stream._)
+
+_Privileged Old Keeper_ (_to Member of Fishing Club, of profuse and
+ruddy locks, who is just about to try for the Big Trout, a very wary
+fish_). "KEEP YER HEAD DOON, SIR, KEEP YER HEAD DOON!" (_Becoming
+exasperated._) "'ORD BOU IT, MAN, KEEP YER HEAD DOON! YER M'T AS WEEL
+COME WI' A TORCH-LEET PROCESSION TO TAK' A FISH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, June 26._--Hardly knew House to-night.
+Benches mostly empty; few present seemed to have no fight in them.
+Little round at outset on Betterment principle. Members roughly and
+not inaccurately illustrated it by staying outside. "In principle,"
+said PHILIPPE EGALITÉ, "the Terrace is Better meant for this weather
+than the House." Mr. G. in his place, listening eagerly to speeches by
+KIMBER, FERGUSSON, and other oratorical charmers. Generally believed
+that he had gone off to Hatchlands for holiday; nothing for him to do
+here; Home-Rule debate postponed till Wednesday; Supply, in meantime,
+might well be left to Minister in charge.
+
+"The fact is, TOBY," said Mr. G., when I remarked upon the pleasurable
+surprise of finding him in his place, "I really did think of making
+a little holiday, staying away till Wednesday. But when I got up
+this morning, looked round at green fields and lofty trees, they
+irresistibly reminded me of benches in House of Commons, and the
+pillars that support the gallery. Then the sunlit sky is very nice
+in its way; but do you know anything softer, more translucent or
+attractive than the light that floods the House of Commons from the
+glass roof? The more I thought of these things the more restless I
+grew amid tame attractions of rural life. This morning it might have
+been said of me, in the words of the poet,
+
+  Although my body's down at Hatchlands
+  My soul has gone aloft----
+
+to Westminster. The country is there all through the year and every
+day: Parliamentary Session lasts only seven, or at best eight months.
+This year, if we've luck, we may run it into ten. But then House
+doesn't meet every day. One is expected to go off to seaside, or
+somewhere else, from Saturday to Monday. Thinking of these things,
+couldn't resist temptation. So suddenly packed up, drove off, and here
+I am. Needn't stop all night, you know, if you fellows grudge me a
+little enjoyment; but shall at least begin evening pleasantly.
+Shall vote in division on Betterment question, and make statement on
+arrangements for Indian Currency."
+
+_Business done._--Some votes in Navy Estimates.
+
+_Tuesday._--CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN and W. WOODALL, V.C., the Casabiancas
+of the evening. They sit on Treasury Bench, whence all but they have
+fled; listen with polite attention to talk round Army Estimates; and
+when there's anything like a lull get up and say few words. Whole
+proceeding a farce of drearily colossal proportions. Major-General
+HANBURY prances to front, reviews British forces under present
+Administration, finds many buttons loose, and numerous gaiters askew.
+Opportunity useful for showing that this Eminent Legislator has not
+given up entirely to Home Rule what was meant for mankind. Omniscience
+HANBURY'S forte; Army Reform his foible. Honourable distinction for
+him that he has never drawn the sword on any tented field. Debates on
+Army Estimates invariably call to the front an amazing reserve force
+of unsuspected men of war. There are Colonels, Majors, and Captains
+enough to officer the army at Monaco.
+
+There's WEBSTER of East St. Pancras for example. The few Members
+present gasped for breath when, just now, he offered few observations
+on War Office management. What did he do in this galley? Well known
+that in interval of revising his popular Dictionary he trifles with
+the law. Might, in course of time, come to be Lord Chancellor;
+but never Field Marshal. That only shows how limited is current
+information, how true the observation that the world knows nothing
+of its greatest men. Why, for sixteen years WEBSTER served with
+distinction in the Third Battalion South Lancashire Regiment! Under
+his civilian waistcoat to this day he coyly hides the bronze medal for
+Blameless Conduct.
+
+That he should take part in debate on Army Estimates not only natural,
+but, in national interests, imperatively desirable. HANBURY'S case
+quite otherwise. He never set a squadron a field, nor the division of
+a battle knows more than ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS. Yet ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS is
+not more glib, authoritative, or, on the whole, more entertaining when
+Army Estimates are to the fore.
+
+_Business done._--Army Estimates in Committee.
+
+FRIDAY, 4 A.M.--Came upon NUSSEY an hour ago putting himself to bed
+on a chair in the Library. This his first experience of Parliamentary
+life; introduced at four o'clock yesterday afternoon, and took his
+seat for Pontefract. "Lawka mussey! and is this NUSSEY?" cried WILFRED
+LAWSON, whose aptitude for dropping into poetry beats _Silas Wegg_
+hollow. It certainly was NUSSEY yesterday afternoon, and this is what
+is left of him in the sunshine of a summer morning.
+
+"Didn't think," he said, with a feeble smile, "that on occasion of my
+proud entrance upon Parliamentary life I should forthwith be made into
+an all-night NUSSEY. All very well to grow gradually into that state
+of life. Begin, say, with suspending twelve-o'clock rule, and getting
+off at one or two in the morning. But to plunge straight in like this
+is, if I may say so, a little hard on newcomer fresh from country.
+I suppose, from look of it, that it is only beginning of things. An
+all-night NUSSEY to-day; a weekly NUSSEY before parched July has wet
+its lips; and so on, till I become a monthly NUSSEY. Very kind of
+you to come and see me, but if you don't mind, I'll just drop off to
+sleep. Put the Amendments to the Home Rule Bill on the chimbley, and
+I'll take a look at them when I feel dispoged."
+
+A nice night we've all had; moreover than which, at a quarter to
+three, lemon squashes gave out, and as one of waiters in hoarse
+voice assured me, there wasn't "a hounce of hice" left on premises.
+Yesterday afternoon Mr. G. moved his time-table Closure scheme
+in speech cogency of which testifies to miraculous advantage of
+limitation of delivery within space of half-hour. PRINCE ARTHUR
+followed in best debating speech he has delivered since he became
+Leader. Most adroit in argument, excellent in manner, felicitous in
+phrasing. He, too, brief, and therefore necessarily to the point.
+After this flood-tide of talk opened, and flowed, shallow but
+persistent, for next four hours. NAPOLEON BOLTONPARTY, getting on
+board the Raft of Tilsit-cum-North-St.-Pancras, drifted up and down on
+washy flood. Erect, arms folded, and imperial hat cocked defiantly
+at Mr. G. Liberals howled at him; shouts of "Moscow! Moscow!" mingled
+with cries of "Waterloo!" and "St. Helena!" N. B. shook his golden
+lilies in their teeth, and punted his Raft into the Tory harbour.
+
+JOEY C. turned up after early dinner, and the waters were speedily
+lashed into foam. Following the illustrious example of NAPOLEON
+BOLTONPARTY, JOSEPH threw off all mask of deference to former leader.
+Hitherto, even in moments of hottest conflict, JOEY C. has been sly,
+dev'lish sly, in his hearing towards his "right hon. friend."
+To-night he went for him, just as in days not so very far off good
+Conservatives like GRANDOLPH, amid thunderous Tory cheers, used to
+gird at the hero of the Aston Park Riots. "I admire the artful----"
+Here he paused, and looked down with bitter smile on the apparently
+sleeping figure of Mr. G. on the Treasury Bench. Five hundred lips in
+the listening throng involuntarily formed the syllables in familiar
+conjunction with the adjective. No, not yet. At present pace of
+progression "dodger" may come. To-night JOSEPH content, having
+gained the desired effect, to conclude the sentence with the words
+"----minister who drew up this resolution."
+
+At two o'clock this morning note was taken of fact that Mr. G., having
+been in his place almost incessantly since four yesterday afternoon,
+had carried his more than four score years off to bed. SQUIRE OF
+MALWOOD thought all sections of House would be anxious to spare the
+PRIME MINISTER further vigil. JOSEPH up like catapult. "Perfectly
+absurd," he snapped, "to attempt to make a fetish of name and age of
+PRIME MINISTER."
+
+"There's one good thing we may hope to see come out of this night,"
+said Member for Sark. "It should make an end of the treacly farce
+which bandies between hopelessly parted colleagues the title 'right
+hon. friend.'"
+
+_Business done._--Sat for thirteen hours, and negatived first
+Amendment to Closure Resolution.
+
+_Friday._--Having got away late last night, made up for it by coming
+back early this afternoon. Morning sitting, but no more fight
+left. Quite content with heroic struggle through long summer night;
+everything over by seven o'clock.
+
+Hear touching story, which shows how deeply rooted in human mind is
+habit of censoriousness. Not two more respectable-looking men in House
+than BARTLEY and TOMLINSON. To be in their company is to receive a
+liberal education in deportment. Walking home this morning, after
+all-night sitting, in sad converse on possibilities of fresh
+development of iniquity on part of Mr. G., they passed couple of
+British workmen going forth to day's labour. Said first British
+Workman, nudging his companion, and pointing with thumb over his
+shoulder at wearied legislators: "Tell you what, BILL, _them_ coves
+ain't been up to much good."
+
+_Business done._--Closure Resolutions agreed to. Home-Rule Bill packed
+up in compartments, to be opened as directed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GOOD NEWS!
+
+_'Arry._ "'TAINT NO GOOD MIKING A FUSS ABOUT IT, YER KNOW, GUV'NOR! ME
+AND MY PALS MUST 'AVE OUR 'D'Y OUT'!"
+
+_Foreign Fellow-Traveller._ "AHA! DIE OUT! YOU GO TO DIE OUT? MON
+DIEU! I AM VAIRY GLAD TO 'EAR IT. IT IS TIME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMING EVENTS AT THE LYCEUM.--With the exception of _Becket_, the part
+of _Shylock_ is HENRY IRVING'S most powerfully striking impersonation,
+and certainly ELLEN TERRY is at her best as _Portia_. It is played
+once again this month before our HENRY'S departure for America, and
+should not be missed by any genuine lover of SHAKSPEARE and of true
+dramatic art. _À propos_ of this, a certain excellent lady, whose
+name, beginning with R, is not absolutely unknown to _Mr. Punch_,
+asked this question:--"Isn't there some character in one of
+SHAKSPEARE'S plays called '_Skylark_'?" Then, as she proceeded to give
+a hazy idea of the plot, it gradually dawned upon the listeners that
+the _Merchant of Venice_ was the person of whom she was thinking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Memoria Tecknica." July 1.
+
+  "O mighty Mars! If in thy homage bred,
+  Each point of discipline I've still observed;
+  Of service, _to the rank of Major-General
+  Have risen_; assist thy votary now!"
+
+  _The Critic, Act ii., Sc. 2._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FEW BARS REST.--According to the _Globe_ the Cavalier ROBERT STAGNO,
+a well-known tenor, was arrested on a charge of forgery. What was
+it? Did he sign himself guaranteed as a tenner, worth two fivers, and
+'twas afterwards found he wasn't? The report requires confirmation, as
+it is most unlikely that a tenor should go so low and do anything so
+base.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. R. ON MUSIC.--Her nephew, who is an excellent amateur musician,
+read out an advertisement of a concert at St. James's Hall--"SARASATE
+_will play Suite No. 2_." His excellent relative, who is not well up
+in such matters, interrupted him with--"Ah! I _should_ like to hear
+Miss SARAH SARTY play 'Sweet No. 2'! I daresay it has something to do
+with 'Sweet seventeen.'" No explanation was necessary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been reepaired.
+
+['Vox et præterea (praeterea) nihil: A voice and nothing else; sound
+without sense.]
+
+This issue contains some dialect, which has been retained.
+
+Page 9: 'spendid' corrected to 'splendid'. "'But 'twas a splendid
+victory!'"
+
+Page 13: 'A' corrected to 'At'. "At last, however, we managed to calm the
+indignant ladies,..."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+105, July 8th 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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+  <title>Punch, 8th July, 1893.</title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105,
+July 8th 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, July 8th 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: March 24, 2011 [EBook #35665]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="pagei" id="pagei"></a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/001i-800.png"><img src="images/001i-350.png" width="350" height="468" alt="PUNCH VOL CV" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h5>LONDON:</h5>
+
+<h5>PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,</h5>
+
+<h5>AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.</h5>
+
+<h5>1893.</h5>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="pageiii" id="pageiii"></a>[pg iii]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/002iii-1000.png"><img src="images/002iii-600.png" width="600" height="420" alt="PREFACE" /></a>
+<h3>PREFACE</h3></div>
+
+<p>"<ins title="'Vox, et præterea nihil!': A voice and nothing else; sound without sense."><i>Vox, et præterea nihil!</i></ins>" murmured Somebody in the background.</p>
+
+<p>"Who made that stale and inappropriate quotation?" exclaimed Mr. Oracle
+<span class="sc">Punch</span>,
+looking severely around the illustrious group gathered in his <i>sanctum</i>
+about the brazen tripod which bore his brand-new Phonograph.</p>
+
+<p>Nobody answered.</p>
+
+<p>"Glad to see you are ashamed of yourself, whoever you are," snapped the Seer.</p>
+
+<p>"Rather think the&mdash;a&mdash;Spook spoke," muttered a self-important-looking personage,
+obliquely eyeing a shadowy visitor from Borderland.</p>
+
+<p>"Humph! <span class="sc">Julia</span> may use <i>your</i> hand, but you will not trump
+<i>mine</i>," retorted the Oracle. "If <i>revenants</i> knew what
+nonsense is put into their spectral mouths by noodles and charlatans, they would
+never return to be made spectral pilgarlics of."</p>
+
+<p>"A ghost is a good thing&mdash;in a Christmas story!" laughed the jolly old gentleman
+in a holly-crown. "Elsewhere it
+is generally a fraud and a nuisance."</p>
+
+<p>"Right, Father Christmas!" cried Mr. <span class="sc">Punch</span>. "But the <i>Voces</i> from
+my Oracular Funograph are not ghostly
+nothings, neither are they ambiguous, like the oracles of the Sibyl of Cumæ,&mdash;to
+which, my eloquent Premier, some have
+had the audacity to compare certain of <i>your</i> vocal deliverances."</p>
+
+<p>The Old Oracular Hand smiled sweetly. "<i>Nescit vox missa reverti</i>," he
+murmured. "Would that <span class="sc">Edison</span> could
+invent a Party Leader's Phonograph whose utterances should satisfy at the time
+without danger of being quoted against one
+fifty years later by <span class="sc">Cleon</span> the Tanner, or <span class="sc">Agoracritus</span> the
+Sausage-Seller, to whom even the Sibylline Books would scarce
+have been sacred. But you and your Funograph&mdash;as you neatly call it&mdash;have never
+been Paphlagonian, have never had to
+give up to Party what was meant for Mankind."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>And</i> Womankind, surely, Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>?" subjoined the
+Strong-minded Woman, glaring reproachfully through
+her spectacles at the Anti-Woman's-Rights Premier. "I wish I could say as much
+of <i>you</i>, Sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Labour and the Ladies seem to have small share in his thoughts," began the
+Striker, hotly, when Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery</span>
+touched him gently on his fustian-clad shoulder, and he subsided.</p>
+
+<p>"Am <i>I</i> not a lady?" queried <span class="sc">Hibernia</span>, with an affectionate glance
+at her aged champion.</p>
+
+<p>"Golly, and me too?" added a damsel of dusky Libyan charms, clinging close to
+the stalwart arm of Napoleonic
+<span class="sc">Cecil Rhodes</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;with a difference!" said the Oracle, drily. "'<i>Place aux dames</i>' is a
+motto of partial and rather capricious
+application, is it not, my evergreen Premier?"</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="pageiv" id="pageiv"></a>[pg iv]</span>
+
+<p>"A principle of politeness rather than of politics or Parliament&mdash;at present,"
+murmured the G. O. M.</p>
+
+<p>"Pooh!" sniffed the Strong-minded Woman. "It will <i>spread</i>. Read Mr. <span class="sc">H.
+Fowler's</span> Bill, and Dr. <span class="sc">Alfred
+Russel Wallace's</span> <i>Woman and Natural Selection</i>; put this and that
+together, and perpend!"</p>
+
+<p>"The Penny Phonograph," pursued Mr. Oracle <span class="sc">Punch</span>, "is now prodigiously
+patronised. For the popular penny you
+can hear an American band, a Chevalier coster ballad, the 'Charge of the Light
+Brigade,' a comic song by 'Little <span class="sc">Tich</span>,' or a
+speech by the Old Man eloquent. No; for the latter I believe they charge
+twopence. That <i>is</i> fame, my Pantagruelian
+Premier. But in <i>my</i> Funograph&mdash;charge the unchangeable Threepence&mdash;you can
+hear the very voice of Wisdom and Wit, of
+Humanity and Humour, of Eloquence and Essential Truth, of Music and of Mirth!"</p>
+
+<p>"Hear! hear! hear!" chorussed everybody.</p>
+
+<p>"You <i>shall</i> hear!" said the Oracle. "Stand round, all of you, and adjust
+your ear-tubes! <span class="sc">Dionysius's</span> <b>Ear</b> was not
+an aural 'circumstance' (as your countryman would say, <span class="sc">Cleveland</span>)
+compared with this. <i>Vox, et præterea nihil</i>, indeed!"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Nihil</i>&mdash;or Nihilism," growled the Trafalgar Square Anarchist, "is the
+burden of the <i>vox populi</i> of to-day&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Vox diaboli</i>, you mean," interrupted the great Funographer, sternly. "And
+there is no opening for that <i>vox</i> here.
+Shut up! You are here, misguided mischief-maker, not to spout murderously
+dogmatic negation, but to listen and&mdash;I hope&mdash;learn!"</p>
+
+<p>"I trust you have guidance for me," murmured gentle but anxious-faced Charity.
+"It would, like my ministrations,
+be most seasonable&mdash;as Father Christmas could tell you&mdash;for between my
+innumerable claims, and my contradictory 'multitude
+of counsellors,' my friends and enemies, my gushingly indiscriminate
+enthusiasts, and my arid, hide-bound 'organisers,'
+I was never, my dear Mr. <span class="sc">Punch</span>, so completely puzzled in my life."</p>
+
+<p>"Sweet lady," responded the Oracle, with gentle gravity, "there is guidance here
+for <i>all</i> who will listen; heavenly
+Charity and diabolic Anarchy, eloquent Statesmanship and adventurous Enterprise,
+scared Capital and clamorous Labour,
+fogged Finance and self-assertive Femininity; for the motley and many-voiced
+Utopia-hunters who fancy they see imminent
+salvation in Imperial Pomp or Parochial Pump, in Constitutional Clubs or County
+Councils, in Home Rule, Primrose
+Leagues, or the Living Wage, in Democracy or in Dynamite, in High Art or
+Mahatmas, in Science or in Spooks. Take
+your places, Ladies and Gentlemen! Charity first, if you please, with Father
+Christmas to her right, leaving room for the
+little New Year on her left. Listen all, and learn by the various voices of that
+many-cylindered, marvellous Funographic Machine, my</p>
+
+<h1><span style="font-family: 'old english text'; font-size: 1.2em; font-weight: normal;">One Hundred and Fifth Volume!</span>"</h1>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/003iv-600.png"><img src="images/003iv-380.png" width="380" height="473" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page1" id="page1"></a>[pg 1]</span>
+
+<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1>
+
+<h2>Volume 105, July 8th 1893</h2>
+
+<h3><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h3>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/page1-1000.png"><img src="images/page1-600.png" width="600" height="369" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE HEALTH SEEKER'S VADE MECUM.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>Revised up to Date.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="ind1">
+<p><i>Question.</i> Is it good for the
+health to keep awake?</p>
+
+<p><i>Answer.</i> Certainly not; as
+sleep is most necessary to the
+body's repose.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Then should one go to sleep?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> No; for it must in the end
+be injurious to the mind.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Is walking a good thing?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Certainly not; as it may
+lead to cramp.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Is resting to be recommended?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Oh no; for exercise is absolutely
+a necessity.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Is riding permissible?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Not when the wood pavement
+produces the new sore throat.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Should we eat?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> No; for everything is adulterated.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Should we drink?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> No; liquor is injurious.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Should we starve?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> No; meals are really needful.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Is it safe to stay at home?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> No; because change of air
+is most beneficial to everyone.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Is it advisable to go abroad?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Not at all; many epidemics
+are reported to be rife everywhere
+on the other side of the channel.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Is it good to live?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Scarcely; because illness is
+worse than death.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Is it good to die?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Probably; everything else
+is a failure, so no doubt this, too,
+is a grand mistake.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<h4 style="font-family: sans-serif">TO CRICKETERS.</h4>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/page1-2-600.png"><img src="images/page1-2-380.png" width="380" height="466" alt="TO CRICKETERS." /></a>
+
+<p class="center">"OUT! FIRST BALL! A CATCH!!"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>UNDER THE ROOSE.</h2>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Rondel by a Restored One.</span></h4>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Some way after a Swinburnian Model.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Under the <span class="sc">Roose</span>! Decay seemed slow but sure,</p>
+<p>The golden chord Mors, lingering, aimed to loose;</p>
+<p>But kindness, care, and skill work wondrous cure,</p>
+<p class="i10">Under the <span class="sc">Roose</span>!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The patient probably had played the goose,</p>
+<p>Liverish, listless, yielding to the lure</p>
+<p>Of overstrain, caught in neglect's sly noose.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But symptoms pass if patience but endure,</p>
+<p>And <span class="sc">Robson's</span> regimen brooks no excuse.</p>
+<p>Nerves get re-strung, the brisk blood pulses pure,</p>
+<p class="i10">Under the <span class="sc">Roose</span>!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Old Proverb Verified.</span>&mdash;"Miss
+<span class="sc">Verne</span>, whose renown as a
+pianist is rapidly increasing, has
+hitherto been known to concert-goers
+as Miss <span class="sc">Mathilde Wurm</span>."
+So at last "the <span class="sc">Wurm</span> has turned,"
+and become Miss <span class="sc">Verne</span>!</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">What our Evening Papers
+are coming to</span> (<i>suggested by
+the newest thing in Pink and
+Green</i>).&mdash;Penny plain, and halfpenny
+coloured!</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page2" id="page2"></a>[pg 2]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<h4 style="font-family: sans-serif">1893; OR, THE GOVERNMENT GUILLOTINE.</h4>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/page2-1000.png"><img src="images/page2-390.png" width="390" height="470" alt="1893; OR, THE GOVERNMENT GUILLOTINE." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>["Here comes a light to light us to bed,</p>
+<p>And a chopper to cut off the last&mdash;last&mdash;last</p>
+<p class="i4">Amendment's head!"</p>
+<p class="i8"><i>Old Nursery Rhyme "amended."</i>]</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There once was a Government good&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">(All Governments are, so they tell us!)&mdash;</p>
+<p>Who found themselves deep "in the wood,"</p>
+<p class="i2">And a little bit blown in the "bellows."</p>
+<p>Their foes, who were many and mean,</p>
+<p class="i2">Persistently hunted and harried 'em.</p>
+<p class="i4">Their time they to spend meant</p>
+<p class="i4">On bogus "Amendment;"</p>
+<p>They moved such by hundreds&mdash;and <i>all</i> to befriend meant&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Jawed round 'em, and&mdash;now and then&mdash;carried 'em!</p>
+<p class="i4">Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol!</p>
+<p class="i2">That Government upped and it said&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">"We seem to be getting no forrader.</p>
+<p class="i2">It's time to go 'full steam ahead!'</p>
+<p class="i4"><i>Bella horrida</i> couldn't be horrider,</p>
+<p class="i2">So let's declare 'war to the knife!'</p>
+<p>Dr. <span class="sc">Guillotin's</span> knife, sharp and summary,</p>
+<p class="i8">We <i>must</i> put a stopper</p>
+<p class="i8">On Unionist 'whopper,'</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page3" id="page3"></a>[pg 3]</span>
+<p>Or else the best Government must come a cropper</p>
+<p class="i2">Along of their falsehood and flummery!"</p>
+<p class="i4">Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol!</p>
+<p>"Doctor <span class="sc">Guillotin</span> claimed that his blade</p>
+<p class="i2">Was 'a punishment sure, quick, and uniform,'</p>
+<p>So when sham 'Amendment' has laid</p>
+<p class="i2">On the table its paltry and puny form,</p>
+<p>We'll just give it time to turn round,</p>
+<p class="i2">And if it's prolix or cantankerous,</p>
+<p class="i4">To the block be it led</p>
+<p class="i4">And then&mdash;off with its head!"&mdash;</p>
+<p>Well, for summary shrift there <i>is</i> much to be said,</p>
+<p class="i2">When the criminal's rowdy and rancorous.</p>
+<p class="i4">Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>SUB JUDICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>An entirely Imaginary Report of an
+utterly Impossible Case.</i>)</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">The Mustard Mystery. 120th Day.</span></h4>
+
+<p>To-day the prisoner in this matter
+was once again brought before the
+magistrates on the charge already
+stated. The same counsel were
+present for the prosecution and the
+defence that had put in an appearance
+yesterday. The court was densely
+crowded.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Benjamin Brown</span> deposed that
+he had often slammed a door. He
+knew the sound of the slamming of
+a door, and thought he could distinguish
+it from the noise of an earthquake.
+On cross examination he
+admitted that he had not slammed
+a door, and had never been present
+at an earthquake. On re-examination
+he said that although he had not
+been present at an earthquake he was
+conversant with its characteristics.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">John Jones</span> deposed that he had
+once seen a man who might have
+been the prisoner. It was sixteen
+years ago. The man to whom he
+referred was talking to a female.
+On cross-examination he admitted
+that, so far as he knew to the
+contrary, the man may have been
+addressing his grandmother. On re-examination
+he did not know that
+the female was a grandmother&mdash;she
+might have been a grand aunt.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Richard Robertson</span> deposed that
+he had seen a pair of slippers. They
+might have been the slippers of the
+prisoner. He saw one of those slippers
+thrown with considerable force
+at a water-butt. He had examined
+the water-butt, and there was a mark
+on it. On cross-examination he admitted
+that he did not know how the
+mark on the water-butt had been
+made. It might have been by a boot,
+and not a slipper. He did not know
+to whom the slippers belonged.
+They might have been the property
+of the prisoner. He was not sure
+that he had seen the slippers in the
+presence of the prisoner. In fact,
+he was not sure he had ever seen the
+prisoner before. He was also doubtful
+about the identity of the slippers.
+However, on re-examination, he was
+sure he had seen some slippers, and
+also a water-butt.</p>
+
+<p>After some further evidence, the
+inquiry was adjourned until to-morrow.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 210px;"><a href="images/page3-600.png"><img src="images/page3-210.png" width="210" height="470" alt="FASHION." /></a>
+<h4 style="font-family: sans-serif;">FASHION.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Oh, Mummy, have you been Vaccinated on <i>both</i> Arms?</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE THREE GEORGES.</h3>
+
+<p class="ind">The following two letters have
+reached <i>Mr. Punch</i>, curiously
+enough, by the same post. Here
+they are, just as they were received:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;Will you allow
+me, through your columns, to thank
+the public for the brilliant way in
+which they are recognising my claims
+to distinction? As I walk through
+the streets I see evidence on all
+hands that on Thursday night London
+will be ablaze with "G. M."!
+Permit me, Sir, thus publicly to thank
+a discriminating public.&mdash;Yours Egoist-ically,</p>
+
+<p class="author1"><span class="sc">G-orge M-r-d-th</span>.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;The Alderman
+in Art is beaten, and even the City is
+one continuous tribute to "G. M."
+Critics, envious of my <i>Speaker</i> reputation,
+may carp, and say the tribute's
+all gas&mdash;a half-truth, concealing
+truth; but the public evidently
+know where to look for the true
+critical insight. I am obliged to
+them, and I thank you for this opportunity
+of saying so.</p>
+
+<p class="author">Yours (naturally) as fresh as paint,</p>
+<p class="author1"><span class="sc">G-orge M-re</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Something that had been better
+left Unsaid.</span> (<i>By an ex-Old Bachelor,
+discontented with his condition in
+general, and his Mother-in-law in
+particular</i>).&mdash;"I will!"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">A Wedding Favour.</span>&mdash;A reserved
+first-class compartment on the London,
+Chatham and Dover.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>AD FRATREM.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">By a Remonstrative Sister.</span></h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>See "Ad Examinatorem," Punch, July 1, 1893.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Dear Tom, you astonished me quite</p>
+<p class="i4">With your vigorous verses last week,</p>
+<p class="i2">It will be an unceasing delight</p>
+<p class="i4">In future, sweet brother, to speak</p>
+<p class="i2">Of the family poet&mdash;yourself!</p>
+<p class="i4">Yet I feel I must bid you beware.</p>
+<p>It may not be nice, but the word of advice</p>
+<p class="i2">Is your favourite, "Don't lose your hair!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Yes, I own it was rather a blow</p>
+<p class="i4">When they brought out the merciless list,</p>
+<p class="i2">For you primed up the Pater, I know,</p>
+<p class="i4">With such rubbish, and just <i>would</i> insist</p>
+<p class="i2">The Exam. was as hard as could be.</p>
+<p class="i4">Ah! you painted it all at the worst,</p>
+<p>It was hard lines on you, <span class="sc">Thomas</span>, not to get through,</p>
+<p class="i2">While the "crock" of a <span class="sc">Maud</span> got a first.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Still, why did you rush into print</p>
+<p class="i4">With your torrent of bitter complaint?</p>
+<p class="i2">To do so without the least hint,</p>
+<p class="i4">Well, brotherly, dear, it quite <i>ain't</i>.</p>
+<p class="i2">'Twere wiser and better by far</p>
+<p class="i4">To have laid all the blame on a tooth,</p>
+<p>For whatever's the use of a lovely excuse</p>
+<p class="i2">If not in concealing the truth?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">So bottle your anger, dear boy,</p>
+<p class="i4">Forget how to shuffle and shirk,</p>
+<p class="i2">Find intelligent purpose and joy</p>
+<p class="i4">In a season of honest hard work.</p>
+<p class="i2">You'll pass when you go in again,</p>
+<p class="i4">And eclipse in the passing poor me;</p>
+<p>For a girl, though she can beat the whole tribe of Man,</p>
+<p class="i2">Isn't fit, <span class="sc">Tom</span>, to have a degree!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE SONG OF THE SESSION.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Air</span>&mdash;"<i>What shall he have that kill'd the Deer?</i>"</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>What must he have who'd kill the Bill?</p>
+<p>A leathern skin, and a stubborn will.</p>
+<p class="i4">Brummagem's his home.</p>
+<p>Take then no shame to name his name!</p>
+<p>Bill-slaughtering is his little game.</p>
+<p class="i4">He'd be its death&mdash;he swore it,</p>
+<p class="i4">As limb from limb he tore it&mdash;</p>
+<p>The Bill, the Bill, the lusty Bill!</p>
+<p>Is it a thing Brum <span class="sc">Joe</span> <i>can</i> kill?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page4" id="page4"></a>[pg 4]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>A TESTIMONIAL MANQUÉ.</h2>
+
+<h4>(<span class="sc">A Sketch from the Suburbs.</span>)</h4>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Argument</span>&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">Hotspur Porpentine</span>, <i>a distinguished
+resident
+in the rising suburb of Jerrymere, has recently been awarded
+fourteen days' imprisonment, without the option of a fine, for
+assaulting a ticket-collector, who had offered him the indignity
+of requiring him to show his season-ticket at the barrier. The
+scene is a Second-Class Compartment, in which four of</i>
+Mr. <span class="sc">Porpentine's</span> <i>neighbours are discussing the affair during
+their return from the City</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cockcroft (warmly).</i> I say, Sir&mdash;and I'm sure all here will
+bear me out&mdash;that such a sentence was a scandalous abuse of justice.
+As a near neighbour, and an intimate friend of <span class="sc">Porpentine's</span>,
+I don't 'esitate to assert that he has done nothing whatever to forfeit
+our esteem. He's a quick-tempered man, as we're all aware, and
+to be asked by some meddlesome official to show his season, after
+travelling on the line constantly for years, and leaving it at home that
+morning&mdash;why&mdash;I don't blame him if he <i>did</i> use his umbrella!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Balch. (sympathetically).</i> Nor I. <span class="sc">Porpentine's</span> a man I've
+always had a very 'igh respect
+for ever since I came into this
+neighbourhood. I've always
+found him a good feller, and a
+good neighbour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Filkins (deferentially).</i> I
+can't claim to be as intimate
+with him as some here; but, if
+it isn't putting myself too far
+forward to say so, I very cordially
+beg to say ditto to those
+sentiments.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 420px;"><a href="images/page4-700.png"><img src="images/page4-420.png" width="420" height="467" alt="'Well, he's had a sharp lesson,&mdash;there's no denying that.'" /></a>
+<p class="center">Well, he's had a sharp lesson,&mdash;there's no denying that."</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Sibbering</i> (<i>who has never
+"taken to"</i> <span class="sc">Porpentine</span>). Well,
+he's had a sharp lesson,&mdash;there's
+no denying that.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cocker.</i> Precisely, and it
+occurs to me that when he&mdash;ah&mdash;returns
+to public life, it would
+be a kind thing, and a graceful
+thing, and a thing he would&mdash;ah&mdash;appreciate
+in the spirit it
+was intended, if we were to
+present him with some little
+token of our sympathy and
+unabated esteem&mdash;what do you
+fellers think?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Filk.</i> A most excellent
+suggestion, if my friend here
+will allow me to say so. I, for
+one, shall be proud to contribute
+to so worthy an object.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Balch.</i> I don't see why
+we shouldn't present him with
+an address&mdash;'ave it illuminated,
+and framed and glazed; sort of
+thing he could 'ang up and 'and
+down to his children after him
+as an <i>heirloom</i>, y' know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Sibb.</i> I don't like to
+throw cold water on any proposition, but if you want <i>my</i> opinion, I
+must say I see no necessity for making a public thing of it in that
+way.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cocker.</i> I'm with <span class="sc">Sibbering</span> there. The less fuss there is
+about it, the better <span class="sc">Porpentine</span>'ll be pleased. My idea is to give
+him something of daily use&mdash;a <i>useful</i> thing, y' know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Balch.</i> Useful <i>or</i> ornamental. Why not his own portrait?
+There's many an artist who would do him in oils, and guarantee a
+likeness, frame included, for a five-pound note.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Sibb.</i> If it's to be like <span class="sc">Porpentine</span>, it certainly won't be
+<i>ornamental</i>, whatever else it is.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Filk.</i> It can't be denied that he is remarkably plain in the
+face. We'd better, as our friend Mr. <span class="sc">Cockcroft</span> here proposes, make
+it something of daily use&mdash;a good serviceable silk umberella now&mdash;that's
+<i>always</i> appropriate.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Sibb.</i> To make up for the one he broke over the collector's
+head, eh? that's <i>appropriate</i> enough!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cocker.</i> No, no; you mean well, <span class="sc">Filkins</span>, but you must see
+yourself, on reflection, that there would be a certain want of&mdash;ah&mdash;good
+taste in giving him a thing like that under the circumstances.
+I should suggest something like a hatstand&mdash;a handsome one, of
+course. I happen to know that he has nothing in the passage at
+present but a row of pegs.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Sibb.</i> I should have thought he'd been taken down enough
+pegs already.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Filk. (who resents the imputation upon his taste).</i> I can't say
+what the width of Mr. <span class="sc">Porpentine's</span> passage may be, never having
+been privileged with an invitation to pass the threshold, but unless
+it's wider than ours is, he couldn't get a hatstand in if he tried, and
+if my friend <span class="sc">Cockcroft</span> will excuse the remark, I see no sense&mdash;to
+say nothing of good taste, about which perhaps I mayn't be qualified
+to pass an opinion&mdash;in giving him an article he's got no room for.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cocker. (with warmth).</i> There's room enough in <span class="sc">Porpentine's</span>
+passage for a whole host of hatstands, if that's all, and I know
+what I'm speaking about. I've been in and out there often
+enough. I'm&mdash;ah&mdash;a regular tame cat in that house. But if you're
+against the 'atstand, I say no more&mdash;we'll waive it. How would it
+do if we gave him a nice comfortable easy-chair&mdash;something he
+could sit in of an evening, y' know?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Sibb.</i> A touchy chap like <span class="sc">Porpentine</span> would be sure to fancy
+we thought he wanted something soft after a hard bench and a
+plank bed&mdash;you can't go and give him <i>furniture</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cocker. (with dignity).</i> There's a way of doing all things. I
+wasn't proposing to go and chuck the chair <i>at</i> him&mdash;he's a sensitive
+feller in many respects, and he'd feel <i>that</i>, I grant you. He can't
+object to a little present of that sort just from four friends like ourselves.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Balch. (with a falling
+countenance).</i> Oh! I thought it
+was to be a general affair,
+limited to a small sum, so that
+all who liked could join in. I'd
+no notion you meant to keep it
+such a private matter as all that.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Filk.</i> Nor I. And, knowing
+Mr. <span class="sc">Porpentine</span> so slightly
+as I do, he might consider it
+presumption in me, making myself
+so prominent in the matter&mdash;or
+else I'm sure&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cocker.</i> There's no
+occasion for anyone to be prominent,
+except myself. You
+leave it entirely in my 'ands.
+I'll have the chair taken up
+some evening to <span class="sc">Porpentine's</span>
+house on a 'andcart, and drop
+in, and just lead up to it carelessly,
+if you understand me,
+then go out and wheel the chair
+in, make him try it&mdash;and there
+you <i>are</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Balch.</i> There <i>you</i> are,
+right enough; but I don't see
+where <i>we</i> come in, exactly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Filk.</i> If it's to be confined
+to just us four, I certingly
+think we ought <i>all</i> to be present
+at the presentation.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cocker.</i> That would be
+just the very thing to put a man
+like <span class="sc">Porpentine</span> out&mdash;a crowd
+dropping in on him like that!
+I know his ways, and, seeing
+I'm providing the chair&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Balch. (relieved).</i> You
+are? That's different, of course; but I thought you said that we
+four&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cocker.</i> I'm coming to that. As the prime mover, and a
+particular friend of <span class="sc">Porpentine's</span>, it's only right and fair I should
+bear the chief burden. There's an easy-chair I have at home that
+only wants re-covering to be as good as new, and all you fellers need
+do is to pay for 'aving it nicely done up in velvet, or what not, and
+we'll call it quits.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Balch.</i> I daresay; but I like to know what I'm letting myself
+in for; and there's upholsterers who'll charge as much for doing up
+a chair as would furnish a room.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Filk.</i> I&mdash;I shouldn't feel justified, with my family, and, as,
+comparatively speaking, a recent resident, in going beyond a certain
+limit, and unless the estimate could be kep' down to a moderate sum,
+I really&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Sibb. (unmasking).</i> After all, you know, I don't see why we
+should go to any expense over a stuck-up, cross-grained chap like
+<span class="sc">Porpentine</span>. It's well-known he hasn't a good word to say for us
+Jerrymere folks, and considers himself above the lot of us!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Balch and Mr. Filk.</i> I'm bound to say there's a good deal in
+what <span class="sc">Sibbering</span> says. <span class="sc">Porpentine's</span> never shown himself what
+<i>I</i>
+should call sociable.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cocker.</i> I've never found him anything but pleasant myself,
+whatever he may be to others. I'm not denying he's an <i>exclusive</i>
+man, and a <i>fastidious</i> man, but he's been 'arshly treated, and <i>I</i>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page5" id="page5"></a>[pg 5]</span>
+should have thought this was an occasion&mdash;if ever there was one&mdash;for
+putting any private feelings aside, and rallying round him to
+show our respect and sympathy. But of course if you're going to
+let petty jealousies of this sort get the better of you, and leave me to
+do the 'ole thing myself, <i>I've</i> no objection. I daresay he'll value it
+all the more coming from me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Sibb.</i> Well, he <i>ought</i> to, after the shameful way he's spoken
+of you to a friend of mine in the City, who shall be nameless. You
+mayn't know, and if not, it's only right I should mention it, that
+he complained bitterly of having to change his regular train on your
+account, and said (I'm only repeating his words, mind you) that Jerrymere
+was entirely populated by bores, but you were the worst of the
+lot, and your jabber twice a day was more than he <i>could</i> stand. He
+mayn't have <i>meant</i> anything by it, but it was decidedly uncalled for.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cockcr. (reddening).</i> I 'ope I'm above being affected by the
+opinion any man may express of my conversation&mdash;especially a cantankerous
+feller, who can't keep his temper under decent control.
+A feller who goes and breaks his umbrella over an unoffending
+official's 'ead like that, and gets, very properly, locked up for it!
+Jerrymere society isn't good enough for him, it seems. He won't be
+troubled with much of it in future&mdash;<i>I</i> can assure him! Upon my
+word, now I come to think of it, I'm not sure he shouldn't be called
+upon for an explanation of how he came to be travelling without a
+ticket; it looks very much to me as if he'd been systematically
+defrauding the Company!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Filk.</i> Well, I didn't like to say so before; but that's been <i>my</i>
+view all along!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Balch.</i> And mine.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Sibb.</i> Now perhaps you understand why we'd rather leave it
+to you to give him the arm-chair.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Cockcr.</i> <i>I</i> give a man an arm-chair for bringing disgrace on
+the 'ole of Jerrymere! I'd sooner break it up for firewood! Whoever
+it was that first started all this tomfoolery about a testimonial, I'm
+not going to 'ave <i>my</i> name associated with it, and if you'll take
+<i>my</i>
+advice, you'll drop it once and for all, for it's only making yourselves
+ridiculous! [<i>His companions, observing that he is in a somewhat
+excited condition, consider it advisable to change the subject.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>OPERATIC NOTES.</h3>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/page5-1-500.png"><img src="images/page5-1-200.png" width="200" height="234" alt="'O my prophetic sole, my ankle!'" /></a>
+<p class="center">"O my prophetic sole, my ankle!"</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, June 27.</i>&mdash;<i>Faust</i>, in French. <span class="sc">Jean de Reszke</span> was
+to have
+been <i>Faust</i>, but the "vaulting ambition" of the eminent Polish tenor
+led him to attempt a high jump with another Pole&mdash;the leaping-pole&mdash;and
+whether he had not his compatriot well in hand, or whether,
+"with love's light
+wings," <i>Roméo</i> did
+<i>not</i> manage to "o'ertop"
+the highest note
+above the line, deponent
+sayeth not,
+but this much is
+known, that he fell
+at the high jump,
+and, feeling the pain
+first in the under
+part of his foot, and
+then in the leg, he
+exclaimed, with
+<i>Hamlet</i>, "O my
+prophetic sole, my
+ankle!" the result
+being that he appeareth
+not to-night
+as <i>Faust</i>. If Frère
+<span class="sc">Jean de Reszke</span> is
+going on by "leaps
+and bounds" in this
+manner, he will be
+known as "Brother
+<span class="sc">John</span> the Risky."
+Madame <span class="sc">Nordica</span> happy as <i>Marguerite</i>&mdash;at least she looked it, for
+even in the most tragic scenes there is always a sweet smile on her
+dimpled cheeks. Mlle. <span class="sc">Bauermeister</span> makes a <i>Marta</i> of herself as
+the merry old dame; Mlle. <span class="sc">Guercia</span>, as <i>Siebel</i>, is a Siebeline
+mystery; <span class="sc">Lassalle</span>, as <i>Valentine</i>, pleases <i>la salle</i>; but
+Brother
+<span class="sc">Edward</span> "<i>prends le gâteau</i>" as <i>Mephistopheles</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;<i>Tristan und Isolde</i>, which may be rendered <i>Triste
+'un
+und I solde-not-so-many-tickets-as-usual</i>, or <i>Triste 'un und I'm
+Sold</i>. "The fourth of the <span class="sc">Wagner</span> Cycle." If there are eight of
+them then this is the Bi-Cycle, but there's more woe than weal in
+it, and though extracts may be relished by the learned amateur, yet, as
+a whole, <span class="sc">Wagner's</span> <i>Tristan</i> does not attract our opera-going
+public.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Mem.</span>&mdash;No Nursery of Music can possibly be complete without
+"Leading-Strings."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 320px;"><a href="images/page5-2-600.png"><img src="images/page5-2-320.png" width="320" height="465" alt="ON TICK." /></a>
+<h3>ON TICK.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Seedy Swell.</i> "<span class="sc">I Say, old Chap, tell us the Time. I'm sure
+your Watch goes well.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second S. S.</i> "<span class="sc">It goes beautifully. It went Six Months ago
+to my Uncle's!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>TO THE FRENCH OARSMEN.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>From Mr. Punch, at Henley.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Here's a hand, my fine fellows; in friendship you come,</p>
+<p>And <i>Punch</i>, who likes courage, would scorn to be dumb.</p>
+<p>He greets you with cheers; may your shades ne'er diminish,</p>
+<p>Though you row forty-four from the start to the finish.</p>
+<p>You will bear yourselves bravely, and merit your fame,</p>
+<p>For brave man and Frenchman mean mostly the same.</p>
+<p>We shall do what we can&mdash;it's our duty&mdash;to beat you,</p>
+<p>But we know it will take a tough crew to defeat you.</p>
+<p>And whatever the upshot, howe'er the race ends,</p>
+<p>You and we, having struggled, shall always be friends.</p>
+<p>So accept, while we cheer you again and again,</p>
+<p>This welcome from Thames to his sister, the Seine.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Skinners and Skinned.</span>&mdash;One portion of the ancient award of
+Sir <span class="sc">Robert Billesdon</span>, Lord Mayor of London, in settling a dispute
+between the Skinners and Merchant Taylors, was, that these two
+Companies should dine together once a year. Mr. Justice <span class="sc">Bruce</span>,
+alluding to this at the banquet on Skinners Day, when, as was
+natural, many lawyers were present, suggested that it would be a
+good thing if power were given to judges to "condemn litigants to
+dine together, and to order that the costs of the dinner should come
+out of the Consolidated Fund"&mdash;a very good notion. The idea
+might be extended to entertaining Wards in Chancery, of whom two
+unhappy infants the other day were had up at the Police Court for
+picking and stealing, in order to feed themselves and keep themselves
+alive until they should reach the age when they would come
+into their Chancery-bound property of something like £20,000. The
+magistrate ordered an inquiry, but of "subsequent proceedings"
+we have not as yet seen any record.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page6" id="page6"></a>[pg 6]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/page6-1500.png"><img src="images/page6-600.png" width="600" height="443" alt="THE RISING GENERATION." /></a>
+<h3 style="font-family: sans-serif">THE RISING GENERATION.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Host.</i> "<span class="sc">What a Smart Set of People we've got to-night, Deary!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Hostess.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes. How I wish one of our Dear Girls would come and sit by
+us, and tell us who Everybody is!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>"HYMEN HYMENÆE!!!"</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">July 6, 1893.</span></h4>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p>["Bid her awake; for Hymen is awake!"</p>
+<p class="i16"><i>Spenser's Epithalamion.</i></p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"A contract of true love to celebrate;</p>
+<p>And some donation freely to estate</p>
+<p>On the bless'd lovers."&mdash;<i>The Tempest.</i>]</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Hymen, the rose-crowned, is in sooth awake,</p>
+<p class="i4">And all the world with him!</p>
+<p class="i4">Shall drowsy opiate dim</p>
+<p>The eyes of Love to-day? No, let all slake</p>
+<p>A loyal thirst in bumpers, for Love's sake,</p>
+<p class="i4">Full beaded to the brim!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Like the Venusian's "mountain stream that roars</p>
+<p class="i4">From bank to bank along,</p>
+<p class="i4">When autumn rains are strong,"<a id="footnotetag1" name="footnotetag1"></a><a class="footnote" href="#footnote1">*</a></p>
+<p>A deep-mouthed People lifts its voice, and pours</p>
+<p>Its welcome forth, that like a Pæan soars</p>
+<p class="i4">In strains more sweet than song.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>More sweet than song, in that it straightway comes,</p>
+<p class="i4">Unfeignéd, from frank hearts;</p>
+<p class="i4">From loyal lips it starts,</p>
+<p>Unprompted, undragooned. The highway hums</p>
+<p>With the full sound of it. Fifes, trumpets, drums</p>
+<p class="i4">Bravely may play their parts.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>In the Imperial pageant, but the swell</p>
+<p class="i4">Of the free English shout</p>
+<p class="i4">Strikes sweeter&mdash;who dares doubt?&mdash;</p>
+<p>On Royal ears. Music of marriage bell</p>
+<p>Clang on, and let the gold-mouth'd organ tell</p>
+<p class="i4">Of love and praise devout!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But the crowd's vigorous clamour has a voice</p>
+<p class="i4">Finer and fuller still;</p>
+<p class="i4">A passion of goodwill</p>
+<p>Rings, to our ears, through all the exuberant noise,</p>
+<p>Which the recipient's heart should more rejoice</p>
+<p class="i4">Than all Cecilia's skill.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>So rivals for Apollo's laurel wreath</p>
+<p class="i4">May loudly strike the lyre,</p>
+<p class="i4">"To love, and young desire;"<a id="footnotetag2" name="footnotetag2"></a><a class="footnote" href="#footnote2">&#8224;</a></p>
+<p>But "bold and lawless numbers grow beneath"<a id="footnotetag2a" name="footnotetag2a"></a><a class="footnote" href="#footnote2a">&#8224;</a></p>
+<p>The people's praise, and give the crowd's free breath</p>
+<p class="i4">A "mastering touch of fire."<a id="footnotetag2b" name="footnotetag2b"></a><a class="footnote" href="#footnote2b">&#8224;</a></p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"Hymen, O Hymen!" beauteous ladies cry,</p>
+<p class="i4">"Hymen, O Hymen!" loud</p>
+<p class="i4">Shout forth the echoing crowd</p>
+<p>The city through; patricians perched on high,</p>
+<p>And the plebeian patient plodding by,</p>
+<p class="i4">Raise incense like a cloud.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And Hymen's here, kind eye on all to keep,</p>
+<p class="i4">Hymen, with roses crowned,</p>
+<p class="i4">Leads on the Lion, bound</p>
+<p>In floral bonds and blossom-bridled, deep</p>
+<p>In scattered flowers. Your lyres ye laureates sweep,</p>
+<p class="i4">And marriage measures sound!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Not Una's guardian more gladly bare</p>
+<p class="i4">Burden more pleasant&mdash;pure!</p>
+<p class="i4">With footing gently sure</p>
+<p>Leo on-paces. Hymen's torch in air</p>
+<p>Flames fragrantly. Was ever Happy Pair</p>
+<p class="i4">So served, or so secure?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Take the rose-reins, young <ins title="Transcriber's Note: Prince George of Wales, Duke of York, later King George V married Princess Mary ('Princess May', later Queen Mary) d. of Duke of Teck, in 1893.">bridegroom</ins>; bridled so</p>
+<p class="i4">Leo's not hard to ride.</p>
+<p class="i4">Sweet <span class="sc">May</span>, the new-made bride,</p>
+<p>Will find her lion palfrey-paced. And lo!</p>
+<p>The genial god's unfailing torch aglow</p>
+<p class="i4">Burns bravely at her side!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Epithalamia seem out of date;</p>
+<p class="i4">Hymen cares not to-day</p>
+<p class="i4">To trill a fulsome lay,</p>
+<p>Or hymn High Bridals with Spenserian state.</p>
+<p>Goodwill to goodness simply dedicate,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Such homage <i>Punch</i> would pay.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"Hymen, O Hymen!" Like this torch's flame,</p>
+<p class="i4">Bright be your wedded days!</p>
+<p class="i4">May a proud people's praise,</p>
+<p>Well earned, be your award of honest fame;</p>
+<p class="i4">And on each gracious head,</p>
+<p>Light may it lie, the crown you yet may claim,</p>
+<p class="i4">As rest these roses red!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p class="note"><a id="footnote1" name="footnote1"></a><a class="footnote" href="#footnotetag1">*</a>: <span class="sc">Horace</span>, "Ad Iulum Antonium," Ode 2, Book IV.]</p>
+
+<p class="note"><a id="footnote2" name="footnote2"></a><a id="footnote2a" name="footnote2a"></a><a id="footnote2b" name="footnote2b"></a>
+<a class="footnote" href="#footnotetag2">&#8224;</a>: <span class="sc">Horace</span>&mdash;<i>ut supra.</i>]</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page7" id="page7"></a>[pg 7]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 360px;"><a href="images/page7-1000.png"><img src="images/page7-356.png" width="356" height="470" alt="'HYMEN HYMENÆE!'" /></a>
+<h2>"HYMEN HYMENÆE!"</h2></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page8" id="page8"></a>[pg 8]</span>
+<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page9" id="page9"></a>[pg 9]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 style="font-family: sans-serif">A TALE OF THE ALHAMBRA.</h3>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/page9-1-800.png"><img src="images/page9-1-500.png" width="500" height="391" alt="Scene from New Ballet." /></a>
+<p class="center">Scene from New Ballet.</p>
+
+<p class="center">Conductor Jacobi Demonio charming the public to the Alhambra.</p></div>
+
+<p>Mons. <span class="sc">Jacobi</span> is a wonderful
+man. The undefeated
+hero of a hundred ballets&mdash;there
+or thereabouts&mdash;still
+beats time and the record
+with his bâton at the
+Alhambra; and his music,
+specially composed for <i>Fidelia</i>,
+is to be reckoned among
+his ordinary triumphs.
+<i>Fidelia</i> is "a new Grand
+Romantic Ballet," in four
+tableaux, and its performance
+justifies its promise.
+It is "new," it is decidedly
+"grand," it is absorbingly
+"romantic," and there's no
+denying that it is a <i>Ballet
+d'action</i>. But, as in the
+oft-quoted reply when little
+<i>Peterkin</i> asked "what it
+was all about," so will the
+ballet-case-hardened spectator
+say, "'Why that I
+cannot tell,' quoth he, 'But
+'twas a <ins title="transcriber's note: original read 'spendid'">splendid</ins> victory!'"
+Somebody, possibly one
+<i>Tartini</i>, played by Signorina
+<span class="sc">Cormani</span>, is in love with
+<i>Fidelia</i>, Signorina <span class="sc">Pollini</span>,
+as naturally anyone would
+be; when a comic servant,
+Mr. <span class="sc">George Lupino</span>, is
+frightened by a Demon
+Fiddler with his fiddle (both
+being played by <span class="sc">Paganini
+Redivivus</span>) who either
+assists the lovers or does
+his best to prevent their
+coming together, I am not
+quite clear which. Up to
+the last it seemed doubtful
+whether the Demon Doctor
+was a good or bad spirit,
+or a little mixed. His
+appearance is decidedly
+against him, as he looks the
+very deuce. But I am inclined
+to think that he was
+a "<i>bon diable</i>," and was
+doing everything, as everybody
+else on the stage and
+in the orchestra does, for
+the best. After all, and
+before all, the show is the
+thing, and this will rank, as
+it does now, among the best
+of the greatest attractions
+hitherto provided by the
+Alhambra Company for an
+appreciative public and for</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Your Representative</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<p>Madam <span class="sc">Darmesteter's</span> <i>Retrospect and other Poems</i> is turned
+out by <span class="sc">Fisher Unwin</span> in that dainty dress with which he has made
+attractive his Cameo Series. We used to know Madam <span class="sc">Darmesteter</span>
+as Miss <span class="sc">Mary F. Robinson</span>, a writer of charming verse. That in
+her new estate she has not lost the old touch is witnessed by several
+pieces in this volume, notably the first, which supplies the title.
+The penultimate verse of this little lyric is most musical. There are
+several others nearly as good. But occasionally Madam writes
+sad stuff. Of such is <i>The Death of the Count of Armaniac</i>, of
+which this verse is a fair sample:</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"<span class="sc">Armaniac, O Armaniac</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Why rode ye forth at noon?</p>
+<p>Was there no hour at even,</p>
+<p class="i2">No morning cool and boon?"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>My Baronite, though not
+yet entered for the Poet
+Laureateship, thinks that
+kind of thing might be
+reeled off by the mile.
+Why not</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>My Maniac, O my Maniac,</p>
+<p class="i2">Why rode ye forth at eve?</p>
+<p>Was there no hour at morning tide,</p>
+<p class="i2">No water in the sieve?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/page9-2-400.png"><img src="images/page9-2-200.png" width="200" height="260" alt="A Clerk in Our Booking-Office." /></a>
+<p class="center">A Clerk in Our Booking-Office.</p></div>
+
+<p>Three years ago an
+American firm issued a
+princely edition of <i>The
+Memoir of Horace Walpole</i>,
+written by <span class="sc">Austin
+Dobson</span>. It was too expensive
+for mere Britishers,
+and only a small number
+of copies found their way
+to this country. But the
+literary work was so excellent,
+that it was pronounced a pity it should be entombed in
+this costly sarcophagus. Messrs. <span class="sc">Osgood, McIlvaine, &amp; Co.</span> have
+now brought out an edition, in a single handsome volume, at a
+reasonable price. <span class="sc">Horace Walpole</span> has often been written about
+since he laid down the pen, but never by a more sympathetic hand
+than Mr. <span class="sc">Dobson's</span>, nor by one bringing to the task fuller knowledge
+of <span class="sc">Walpole's</span> time and contemporaries. The charm of style extends
+even to the notes, usually in books of this class a tantalising adjunct.
+Mr. <span class="sc">Dobson's</span> are so full of information, and so crisply told, that
+they might with advantage have been incorporated in the text.
+The volume contains facsimiles of <span class="sc">Horace Walpole's</span> handwriting,
+an etching of <span class="sc">Lawrence's</span> portrait, and a reproduction of
+the sketch of Strawberry Hill which illustrated the catalogue of
+1774. Altogether a delightful book that will, my Baronite says,
+take its place on a favourite shelf of the library that has grown up
+round the memory of one of the most interesting figures of the Eighteenth
+Century.</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">The Baron de Book-Worms.</span></p>
+
+<br clear="all" />
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>WEAR AND TEAR IN AFRICA.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[In the report on the proposed Mombasa Railway, it is suggested that the
+station-buildings should be enclosed with a strong live-thorn palisade, impenetrable
+to arrows.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>A Station on the Mombasa Railway.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>New Station-Master</i> (<i>to</i> Telegraph Clerk). Did you send my
+message this morning, asking for a consignment of revolvers and
+arrow-proof shields?</p>
+
+<p><i>Telegraph Clerk.</i> Yes, Sir. I can't make out why we haven't
+had an answer. Something may have gone wrong with the wires.
+I sent one of the porters to examine them. Ah, here he comes.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>A Porter arrives.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Porter.</i> Just as I thought, Sir. Them blessed niggers have run
+short of cash, and they've bin and took a mile of our best wire.</p>
+
+<p><i>Station-Master.</i> Taken a mile of wire? What the deuce do you
+mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>Porter.</i> Ah, Sir, you're new to this 'ere job. Fact is, they can
+all buy theirselves a wife a-piece for two yards of our wire; and as
+there was a raid last week, and all their wives was made off with,
+they've just bin and took our telegraph wire to buy theirselves a
+new lot.</p>
+
+<p><i>Station-Master.</i> Dear me, how very provoking. I must make a
+report of this occurrence immediately! But what does this crowd in
+the distance mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>Porter.</i> Why bless my heart, it's a Wednesday, and I'd quite
+forgotten all about it. They always attacks us of a Wednesday, but
+they're a good half hour earlier than last week.</p>
+
+<p><i>Station-Master.</i> This is very strange, very strange indeed. I doubt
+if the directors will approve of this. (<i>An arrow pierces him in the
+calf of the leg.</i>) Oh, I say, you know, this will never do. Close the
+points&mdash;I mean shut the doors and barricade the windows. Let us
+at least die as railway men should.</p>
+
+<p><i>Porter.</i> Lor' bless you, Sir, we shan't die. We've only got to
+pick off two or three dozen of 'em, and the rest will skip in no time.</p>
+
+<p class="right">[<i>They retire within the palisade, and during the next half hour
+fight for their lives.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Telegraph Clerk</i> (<i>plucking three arrows out of his left leg</i>).
+Things
+are getting a bit hot. Hurrah! here's the 5.30 down express with
+revolvers and ammunition. Now we shall settle 'em.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">[<i>Arrival of the express. Retreat of the natives.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Station-Master.</i> I don't think I quite like this life. I'm going to
+off it.</p>
+
+<p class="center">[<i>Offs it accordingly.</i></p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page10" id="page10"></a>[pg 10]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 style="font-family: sans-serif">AN OLD MAN'S MUSINGS.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>After an Afternoon Pipe, at Nazareth House, Hammersmith.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem1">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i18">           ["Here again, clustered close round the fire</p>
+<p>Are a number of grizzle-lock'd men, every one is a true 'hoary sire.'</p>
+<p>Bowed, time-beaten, grey, yet alert and responsive to kindness of speech;</p>
+<p>And see how old eyes can light up if you promise a pipe-charge to each.</p>
+<p>For the comforting weed <span class="sc">Kingsley</span> eulogised is not taboo in this place,</p>
+<p>Where the whiff aromatic brings not cold reproval to Charity's face."</p>
+<p class="i8">"<i>An Autumn Afternoon at Nazareth House.</i>" <i>Punch, Nov. 5, 1892.</i>]</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 470px;"><a href="images/page10-800.png"><img src="images/page10-470.png" width="336" height="470" alt="An Old Man's Musings." /></a></div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I don't just know who <span class="sc">Kingsley</span> was, but he was a good sort, I reckon!</p>
+<p>When nerves are slack and spirits low, the glowing pipe-bowl seems to beckon</p>
+<p>Like a good ghost or spirit kind to the fireside where age reposes.</p>
+<p>Yes! bacca makes an old man's chair as easeful as a bed of roses.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Bad habit! So the strict ones say; expensive, wasteful, and un-Christian!</p>
+<p>I cannot argue of it out; I'm only a poor old Philistian.</p>
+<p>But oh the comfort of a pipe, the company it lends the lonely!</p>
+<p>It seems the poor soul's faithful friend, and oftentimes the last and only.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Thanks be, they're not the hard sort <i>here</i>, in Nazareth House. The gentle sisters</p>
+<p>Take on a many helpful task; some of 'em, I misdoubt, are twisters.</p>
+<p>I don't suppose our "shag"-fumes seem as sweet to them as to us others;</p>
+<p>But&mdash;well, they do not treat us here as badged machines, but human brothers.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Stranded, alone, at seventy-five, after a life of luckless labour,</p>
+<p>One feels what 'tis to be esteemed not as a nuisance, but a neighbour;</p>
+<p>A neighbour in the Good Book's sense; a poor one, and a helpless, truly,</p>
+<p>But&mdash;<i>not</i> a plague, who'll live too long, if he is cossetted unduly.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Lawks me, the difference! Don't you know the chilly scorn, the silent snubbing</p>
+<p>Which makes a man, as <i>is</i> a man, feel he'd far rather take a drubbing?</p>
+<p>Old age and workhouse-duds may hide a deal of nature&mdash;from outsiders;</p>
+<p>But do you think old "crocks" can't <i>feel</i>, when they're shrunk from, like snails</p>
+<p>or spiders?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>After my dinner, with my "clay," stringed round the stem, that gums, now toothless,</p>
+<p>May grip it firmer, here I sit and muse; and memory's sometimes ruthless</p>
+<p>In bringing up a blundering past. We own up frank, me and my fellows,</p>
+<p>Where we've gone wrong, and, in regrets employ our wheezy, worn old bellows.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What might have been, if&mdash;if&mdash;ah, <i>if</i>! That little word, of just two letters,</p>
+<p>Stops me worse than a five-barred gate. I wonder if it does my betters?</p>
+<p>We never tire round Winter's fire, or settle-ranged in Summer weather,</p>
+<p>Of telling of the wandering ways by which we gathered <i>here</i> together.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If some who prate of paupers' ways, their tantrums, or their love of snuffing,</p>
+<p>Their fretting at cold, hard-fast rules, their fancy for sly bacca-puffing,</p>
+<p>Could only scan the paupers' past a little closer than their mode is,</p>
+<p>They'd learn that still some sparks of soul burn in those broken-down old bodies.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And soul does kick at iron rules, and icy ways. Old blood runs chilly,</p>
+<p>And craves the heat, of love, fire, pipe, to warm it up like. Very silly,</p>
+<p>No doubt, from <span class="sc">Bumble's</span> point of view! <i>Here</i> we're held human, though so humble;</p>
+<p>And, Heaven be blessed!&mdash;at Nazareth House we've never known the rule of <span class="sc">Bumble</span>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The very old and very young are much alike in many a matter;</p>
+<p>Comfort and cheeriness we want, play or a pipe, romps or a chatter.</p>
+<p>The Nazareth Sisterhood know this, and what is more, they work according.</p>
+<p>'Tis love and comfort make a Home, without 'em 'tis bare roof and boarding!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Bitter-sweet memories come sometimes; but a gay burst of baby-laughter,&mdash;</p>
+<p>For we all <i>laugh</i> at Nazareth House!&mdash;will banish gathering blues. And after?</p>
+<p>Well, there's the free-permitted whiff, the "old-boy" gossip, low but cheery;</p>
+<p>Rest and a Sister's sunny smile soon drive off whim and whig-maleery.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And so laid up, like some old hulk that can no more hope for commission,</p>
+<p>I sit, and muse, and puff; and wait that last great change in man's condition</p>
+<p>That shifts us to that Great High House to which the Sisters point us daily;</p>
+<p>Awaiting which in homely ease, Old Age dwells calmly if not gaily.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>INTELLIGENCE À L'AMERICAINE.</h3>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Telegram No. 1.</i>&mdash;Nothing could have been more terrible
+than the scene following upon the earthquake. The
+houses sank through the ground, and immediately a
+number of lions, tigers, and poisonous serpents, attracted
+by the unusual occurrence, sprang upon the poor inhabitants,
+and by their fierce attacks increased their misfortune.
+But this was not all. Men and women, using
+swords, battle-axes, and revolvers, fought amongst
+themselves, until the commotion created by the landslip
+assumed the appearance of a pandemonium. At this
+moment, to make confusion worse confounded, a heavy
+storm broke over the fast-disappearing village, and
+thunderbolts fell like peas expelled through a peashooter.
+As if this were not enough, several prairie
+fires crept up, and the flames augmented the general
+discomfort. Take it all and all, the sight was enough to
+make the cheek grow pale with terror and apprehension.</p>
+
+<p class="ind"><i>Telegram No. 2.</i>&mdash;Please omit lions, tigers, poisonous
+serpents, swords, battle-axes, revolvers, thunderbolts,
+prairie fires and cheek. They were forwarded in Telegram
+No. 1 owing to a clerical error.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Mrs. R. Startled.</span>&mdash;"Most extraordinary things are
+reported in the papers!" observed Mrs. R. "Only the
+other day I either heard or read that there was a dangerous
+glazier somewhere about in the Caucasus, that
+he was using horrible language, and threatening to d&mdash;&mdash; you'll
+excuse my using such a word&mdash;the Terek (whoever
+he may be), and that then he was going to amuse&mdash;no,
+the word was 'divert'&mdash;somebody. Clearly a lunatic.
+But who can be diverted by such antics? And why don't
+they lock up the glazier?" [<i>On referring to the report,
+her nephew read that "A glacier was causing great alarm."
+&amp;c., &amp;c., that it was expected temporarily to "dam the
+Terek, and divert a vast body of water</i>," &amp;c.]</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page11" id="page11"></a>[pg 11]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/page11-1500.png"><img src="images/page11-600.png" width="600" height="403" alt="PISCATORIAL POLITENESS." /></a>
+<h3 style="font-family: sans-serif">PISCATORIAL POLITENESS.</h3>
+
+<h5>(<i>From a Yorkshire stream.</i>)</h5>
+
+<p><i>Privileged Old Keeper</i> (<i>to Member of Fishing Club, of profuse and ruddy
+locks, who is just about to try for the Big Trout, a very wary
+fish</i>). "<span class="sc">Keep yer Head doon, Sir, keep yer Head doon!</span>" (<i>Becoming
+exasperated.</i>) "<span class="sc">'Ord bou it, Man, Keep yer head doon!
+Yer m't as weel come wi' a Torch-leet Procession to tak' a Fish!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 style="font-family: sans-serif">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, June 26.</i>&mdash;Hardly knew House
+to-night. Benches mostly empty; few present seemed to have no
+fight in them. Little round at outset on Betterment principle.
+Members roughly and not inaccurately illustrated it by staying outside.
+"In principle," said <span class="sc">Philippe Egalité</span>, "the Terrace is
+Better meant for this weather than the House." Mr. G. in his place,
+listening eagerly to speeches by <span class="sc">Kimber</span>, <span class="sc">Fergusson</span>, and other
+oratorical charmers. Generally believed that he had gone off to
+Hatchlands for holiday; nothing for him to do here; Home-Rule
+debate postponed till Wednesday; Supply, in meantime, might well
+be left to Minister in charge.</p>
+
+<p>"The fact is, <span class="sc">Toby</span>," said Mr. G., when I remarked upon the
+pleasurable surprise of finding him in his place, "I really did think
+of making a little holiday, staying away till Wednesday. But when
+I got up this morning, looked round at green fields and lofty trees,
+they irresistibly reminded me of benches in House of Commons, and
+the pillars that support the gallery. Then the sunlit sky is very nice
+in its way; but do you know anything softer, more translucent or
+attractive than the light that floods the House of Commons from
+the glass roof? The more I thought of these things the more restless
+I grew amid tame attractions of rural life. This morning it might
+have been said of me, in the words of the poet,</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Although my body's down at Hatchlands</p>
+<p class="i2">My soul has gone aloft&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>to Westminster. The country is there all through the year and
+every day: Parliamentary Session lasts only seven, or at best eight
+months. This year, if we've luck, we may run it into ten. But
+then House doesn't meet every day. One is expected to go off to
+seaside, or somewhere else, from Saturday to Monday. Thinking of
+these things, couldn't resist temptation. So suddenly packed up,
+drove off, and here I am. Needn't stop all night, you know, if you
+fellows grudge me a little enjoyment; but shall at least begin
+evening pleasantly. Shall vote in division on Betterment question,
+and make statement on arrangements for Indian Currency."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Some votes in Navy Estimates.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Campbell-Bannerman</span> and <span class="sc">W. Woodall</span>, V.C., the
+Casabiancas of the evening. They sit on Treasury Bench, whence all
+but they have fled; listen with polite attention to talk round Army
+Estimates; and when there's anything like a lull get up and say few
+words. Whole proceeding a farce of drearily colossal proportions.
+Major-General <span class="sc">Hanbury</span> prances to front, reviews British forces
+under present Administration, finds many buttons loose, and
+numerous gaiters askew. Opportunity useful for showing that this
+Eminent Legislator has not given up entirely to Home Rule what
+was meant for mankind. Omniscience <span class="sc">Hanbury's</span> forte; Army
+Reform his foible. Honourable distinction for him that he has
+never drawn the sword on any tented field. Debates on Army
+Estimates invariably call to the front an amazing reserve force of
+unsuspected men of war. There are Colonels, Majors, and Captains
+enough to officer the army at Monaco.</p>
+
+<p>There's <span class="sc">Webster</span> of East St. Pancras for example. The few
+Members present gasped for breath when, just now, he offered few
+observations on War Office management. What did he do in this
+galley? Well known that in interval of revising his popular
+Dictionary he trifles with the law. Might, in course of time, come
+to be Lord Chancellor; but never Field Marshal. That only
+shows how limited is current information, how true the observation
+that the world knows nothing of its greatest men. Why, for sixteen
+years <span class="sc">Webster</span> served with distinction in the Third Battalion South
+Lancashire Regiment! Under his civilian waistcoat to this day he
+coyly hides the bronze medal for Blameless Conduct.</p>
+
+<p>That he should take part in debate on Army Estimates not
+only natural, but, in national interests, imperatively desirable.
+<span class="sc">Hanbury's</span> case quite otherwise. He never set a squadron a field,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page12" id="page12"></a>[pg 12]</span>
+nor the division of a battle knows more than <span class="sc">Alpheus Cleophas</span>.
+Yet <span class="sc">Alpheus Cleophas</span> is not more glib, authoritative, or, on the
+whole, more entertaining when Army Estimates are to the fore.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Army Estimates in Committee.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Friday</span>, 4 <span class="sc">A.M.</span>&mdash;Came upon <span class="sc">Nussey</span> an hour ago putting
+himself
+to bed on a chair in the Library. This his first experience
+of Parliamentary life; introduced at four o'clock yesterday
+afternoon, and took his seat for Pontefract. "Lawka mussey!
+and is this <span class="sc">Nussey</span>?" cried <span class="sc">Wilfred Lawson</span>, whose aptitude for
+dropping into poetry beats <i>Silas Wegg</i> hollow. It certainly was
+<span class="sc">Nussey</span> yesterday afternoon, and this is what is left of him in the
+sunshine of a summer morning.</p>
+
+<p>"Didn't think," he said, with a feeble smile, "that on occasion of
+my proud entrance upon Parliamentary life I should forthwith be
+made into an all-night <span class="sc">Nussey</span>. All very well to grow gradually
+into that state of life. Begin, say, with suspending twelve-o'clock
+rule, and getting off at one or two in the morning. But to plunge
+straight in like this is, if I may say so, a little hard on newcomer
+fresh from country. I suppose, from look of it, that it is only
+beginning of things. An all-night <span class="sc">Nussey</span> to-day; a weekly
+<span class="sc">Nussey</span>
+before parched July has wet its lips; and so on, till I become a
+monthly <span class="sc">Nussey</span>. Very kind of you to come and see me, but if you
+don't mind, I'll just drop off to sleep. Put the Amendments to the
+Home Rule Bill on the chimbley, and I'll take a look at them when
+I feel dispoged."</p>
+
+<p>A nice night we've all had; moreover than which, at a quarter to
+three, lemon squashes gave out, and as one of waiters in hoarse voice
+assured me, there wasn't "a hounce of hice" left on premises.
+Yesterday afternoon Mr. G. moved his time-table Closure scheme
+in speech cogency of which testifies to miraculous advantage of limitation
+of delivery within space of half-hour. <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> followed
+in best debating speech he has delivered since he became
+Leader. Most adroit in argument, excellent in manner, felicitous in
+phrasing. He, too, brief, and therefore necessarily to the point.
+After this flood-tide of talk opened, and flowed, shallow but persistent,
+for next four hours. <span class="sc">Napoleon Boltonparty</span>, getting on
+board the Raft of Tilsit-cum-North-St.-Pancras, drifted up and
+down on washy flood. Erect, arms folded, and imperial hat cocked
+defiantly at Mr. G. Liberals howled at him; shouts of "Moscow!
+Moscow!" mingled with cries of "Waterloo!" and "St. Helena!"
+N. B. shook his golden lilies in their teeth, and punted his Raft into
+the Tory harbour.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Joey C.</span> turned up after early dinner, and the waters were
+speedily lashed into foam. Following the illustrious example of
+<span class="sc">Napoleon Boltonparty</span>, <span class="sc">Joseph</span> threw off all mask of deference
+to
+former leader. Hitherto, even in moments of hottest conflict,
+<span class="sc">Joey C.</span> has been sly, dev'lish sly, in his hearing towards his
+"right hon. friend." To-night he went for him, just as in days not
+so very far off good Conservatives like <span class="sc">Grandolph</span>, amid thunderous
+Tory cheers, used to gird at the hero of the Aston Park Riots. "I
+admire the artful&mdash;&mdash;" Here he paused, and looked down with bitter
+smile on the apparently sleeping figure of Mr. G. on the Treasury
+Bench. Five hundred lips in the listening throng involuntarily
+formed the syllables in familiar conjunction with the adjective.
+No, not yet. At present pace of progression "dodger" may come.
+To-night <span class="sc">Joseph</span> content, having gained the desired effect, to
+conclude the sentence with the words "&mdash;&mdash;minister who drew up this
+resolution."</p>
+
+<p>At two o'clock this morning note was taken of fact that Mr. G.,
+having been in his place almost incessantly since four yesterday afternoon,
+had carried his more than four score years off to bed. <span class="sc">Squire
+of Malwood</span> thought all sections of House would be anxious to spare
+the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> further vigil. <span class="sc">Joseph</span> up like catapult.
+"Perfectly absurd," he snapped, "to attempt to make a fetish of
+name and age of <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>."</p>
+
+<p>"There's one good thing we may hope to see come out of this
+night," said Member for Sark. "It should make an end of the
+treacly farce which bandies between hopelessly parted colleagues the
+title 'right hon. friend.'"</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Sat for thirteen hours, and negatived first
+Amendment to Closure Resolution.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;Having got away late last night, made up for it by
+coming back early this afternoon. Morning sitting, but no more
+fight left. Quite content with heroic struggle through long summer
+night; everything over by seven o'clock.</p>
+
+<p>Hear touching story, which shows how deeply rooted in human
+mind is habit of censoriousness. Not two more respectable-looking
+men in House than <span class="sc">Bartley</span> and <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span>. To be in their
+company is to receive a liberal education in deportment. Walking
+home this morning, after all-night sitting, in sad converse on possibilities
+of fresh development of iniquity on part of Mr. G., they
+passed couple of British workmen going forth to day's labour. Said
+first British Workman, nudging his companion, and pointing with
+thumb over his shoulder at wearied legislators: "Tell you what,
+<span class="sc">Bill</span>, <i>them</i> coves ain't been up to much good."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Closure Resolutions agreed to. Home-Rule Bill
+packed up in compartments, to be opened as directed.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/page12-600.png"><img src="images/page12-400.png" width="400" height="469" alt="GOOD NEWS!" /></a>
+<h3 style="font-family: sans-serif;">GOOD NEWS!</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>'Arry.</i> "<span class="sc">'Taint no good miking a fuss about it, yer know,
+Guv'nor! Me and my Pals must 'ave our 'D'y out'!</span>"</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Foreign Fellow-Traveller.</i> "<span class="sc">Aha! Die out! You go to Die
+out? Mon Dieu! I am vairy glad to 'ear it. It is time!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Coming Events at the Lyceum.</span>&mdash;With the exception of <i>Becket</i>,
+the part of <i>Shylock</i> is <span class="sc">Henry Irving's</span> most powerfully striking
+impersonation, and certainly <span class="sc">Ellen Terry</span> is at her best as
+<i>Portia</i>.
+It is played once again this month before our <span class="sc">Henry's</span> departure
+for America, and should not be missed by any genuine lover of
+<span class="sc">Shakspeare</span> and of true dramatic art. <i>À propos</i> of this, a certain
+excellent lady, whose name, beginning with R, is not absolutely
+unknown to <i>Mr. Punch</i>, asked this question:&mdash;"Isn't there some
+character in one of <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span> plays called '<i>Skylark</i>'?" Then,
+as she proceeded to give a hazy idea of the plot, it gradually dawned
+upon the listeners that the <i>Merchant of Venice</i> was the person of
+whom she was thinking.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h4>"Memoria Tecknica." July 1.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"O mighty Mars! If in thy homage bred,</p>
+<p>Each point of discipline I've still observed;</p>
+<p>Of service, <i>to the rank of Major-General</i></p>
+<p><i>Have risen</i>; assist thy votary now!"</p>
+<p class="i22"><i>The Critic, Act ii., Sc. 2.</i></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">A Few Bars Rest.</span>&mdash;According to the <i>Globe</i> the Cavalier <span class="sc">Robert
+Stagno</span>, a well-known tenor, was arrested on a charge of forgery.
+What was it? Did he sign himself guaranteed as a tenner, worth
+two fivers, and 'twas afterwards found he wasn't? The report
+requires confirmation, as it is most unlikely that a tenor should go so
+low and do anything so base.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Mrs. R. on Music.</span>&mdash;Her nephew, who is an excellent amateur
+musician, read out an advertisement of a concert at St. James's
+Hall&mdash;"<span class="sc">Sarasate</span>
+<i>will play Suite No. 2</i>." His excellent relative, who is
+not well up in such matters, interrupted him with&mdash;"Ah! I <i>should</i>
+like to hear Miss <span class="sc">Sarah Sarty</span> play 'Sweet No. 2'! I daresay it
+has something to do with 'Sweet seventeen.'" No explanation
+was necessary.</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<table align="center" summary="transcriber note" width="80%" style="margin-top: 3em; margin-bottom: 3em;">
+<tr>
+    <td class="note">
+
+<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4>
+
+<p>Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired.</p>
+
+<p>This issue contains some dialect, which has been retained.</p>
+
+<p>Page 9: 'spendid' corrected to 'splendid'.
+"'But 'twas a splendid victory!'"</p>
+
+<p>(The original text of the error, and a translation of the well-known Latin quotation in the first paragraph on the first page, and a note on page 6 have been provided in mouseover tooltips marked by <ins title="Transcriber's note">dashed underlines</ins>.
+Scroll the mouse over the word and the text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: ">appear</ins>.)</p>
+
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+105, July 8th 1893, by Various
+
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@@ -0,0 +1,1808 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105,
+July 8th 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, July 8th 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: March 24, 2011 [EBook #35665]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: PUNCH VOL CV]
+
+
+
+
+  LONDON:
+
+  PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,
+
+  AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
+
+  1893.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PREFACE]
+
+"_Vox, et praeterea nihil!_" murmured
+Somebody in the background.
+
+"Who made that stale and inappropriate quotation?" exclaimed Mr.
+Oracle PUNCH, looking severely around the illustrious group gathered
+in his _sanctum_ about the brazen tripod which bore his brand-new
+Phonograph.
+
+Nobody answered.
+
+"Glad to see you are ashamed of yourself, whoever you are," snapped
+the Seer.
+
+"Rather think the--a--Spook spoke," muttered a self-important-looking
+personage, obliquely eyeing a shadowy visitor from Borderland.
+
+"Humph! JULIA may use _your_ hand, but you will not trump _mine_,"
+retorted the Oracle. "If _revenants_ knew what nonsense is put into
+their spectral mouths by noodles and charlatans, they would never
+return to be made spectral pilgarlics of."
+
+"A ghost is a good thing--in a Christmas story!" laughed the jolly old
+gentleman in a holly-crown. "Elsewhere it is generally a fraud and a
+nuisance."
+
+"Right, Father Christmas!" cried Mr. PUNCH. "But the _Voces_ from
+my Oracular Funograph are not ghostly nothings, neither are they
+ambiguous, like the oracles of the Sibyl of Cumae,--to which, my
+eloquent Premier, some have had the audacity to compare certain of
+_your_ vocal deliverances."
+
+The Old Oracular Hand smiled sweetly. "_Nescit vox missa reverti_," he
+murmured. "Would that EDISON could invent a Party Leader's Phonograph
+whose utterances should satisfy at the time without danger of
+being quoted against one fifty years later by CLEON the Tanner, or
+AGORACRITUS the Sausage-Seller, to whom even the Sibylline Books would
+scarce have been sacred. But you and your Funograph--as you neatly
+call it--have never been Paphlagonian, have never had to give up to
+Party what was meant for Mankind."
+
+"_And_ Womankind, surely, Mr. GLADSTONE?" subjoined the Strong-minded
+Woman, glaring reproachfully through her spectacles at the
+Anti-Woman's-Rights Premier. "I wish I could say as much of _you_,
+Sir!"
+
+"Labour and the Ladies seem to have small share in his thoughts,"
+began the Striker, hotly, when Lord ROSEBERY touched him gently on his
+fustian-clad shoulder, and he subsided.
+
+"Am _I_ not a lady?" queried HIBERNIA, with an affectionate glance at
+her aged champion.
+
+"Golly, and me too?" added a damsel of dusky Libyan charms, clinging
+close to the stalwart arm of Napoleonic CECIL RHODES.
+
+"Yes--with a difference!" said the Oracle, drily. "'_Place aux dames_'
+is a motto of partial and rather capricious application, is it not, my
+evergreen Premier?"
+
+"A principle of politeness rather than of politics or Parliament--at
+present," murmured the G. O. M.
+
+"Pooh!" sniffed the Strong-minded Woman. "It will _spread_. Read Mr.
+H. FOWLER'S Bill, and Dr. ALFRED RUSSEL WALLACE'S _Woman and Natural
+Selection_; put this and that together, and perpend!"
+
+"The Penny Phonograph," pursued Mr. Oracle PUNCH, "is now prodigiously
+patronised. For the popular penny you can hear an American band, a
+Chevalier coster ballad, the 'Charge of the Light Brigade,' a comic
+song by 'Little TICH,' or a speech by the Old Man eloquent. No;
+for the latter I believe they charge twopence. That _is_ fame, my
+Pantagruelian Premier. But in _my_ Funograph--charge the unchangeable
+Threepence--you can hear the very voice of Wisdom and Wit, of Humanity
+and Humour, of Eloquence and Essential Truth, of Music and of Mirth!"
+
+"Hear! hear! hear!" chorussed everybody.
+
+"You _shall_ hear!" said the Oracle. "Stand round, all of you, and
+adjust your ear-tubes! DIONYSIUS'S EAR was not an aural 'circumstance'
+(as your countryman would say, CLEVELAND) compared with this. _Vox, et
+praeterea nihil_, indeed!"
+
+"_Nihil_--or Nihilism," growled the Trafalgar Square Anarchist, "is
+the burden of the _vox populi_ of to-day----"
+
+"_Vox diaboli_, you mean," interrupted the great Funographer, sternly.
+"And there is no opening for that _vox_ here. Shut up! You are here,
+misguided mischief-maker, not to spout murderously dogmatic negation,
+but to listen and--I hope--learn!"
+
+"I trust you have guidance for me," murmured gentle but anxious-faced
+Charity. "It would, like my ministrations, be most seasonable--as
+Father Christmas could tell you--for between my innumerable claims,
+and my contradictory 'multitude of counsellors,' my friends and
+enemies, my gushingly indiscriminate enthusiasts, and my arid,
+hide-bound 'organisers,' I was never, my dear Mr. PUNCH, so completely
+puzzled in my life."
+
+"Sweet lady," responded the Oracle, with gentle gravity, "there is
+guidance here for _all_ who will listen; heavenly Charity and diabolic
+Anarchy, eloquent Statesmanship and adventurous Enterprise, scared
+Capital and clamorous Labour, fogged Finance and self-assertive
+Femininity; for the motley and many-voiced Utopia-hunters who fancy
+they see imminent salvation in Imperial Pomp or Parochial Pump,
+in Constitutional Clubs or County Councils, in Home Rule, Primrose
+Leagues, or the Living Wage, in Democracy or in Dynamite, in High Art
+or Mahatmas, in Science or in Spooks. Take your places, Ladies and
+Gentlemen! Charity first, if you please, with Father Christmas to her
+right, leaving room for the little New Year on her left. Listen all,
+and learn by the various voices of that many-cylindered, marvellous
+Funographic Machine, my
+
+ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTH VOLUME!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 105, JULY 8th 1893
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEALTH SEEKER'S VADE MECUM.
+
+(_Revised up to Date._)
+
+_Question._ Is it good for the health to keep awake?
+
+_Answer._ Certainly not; as sleep is most necessary to the body's
+repose.
+
+_Q._ Then should one go to sleep?
+
+_A._ No; for it must in the end be injurious to the mind.
+
+_Q._ Is walking a good thing?
+
+_A._ Certainly not; as it may lead to cramp.
+
+_Q._ Is resting to be recommended?
+
+_A._ Oh no; for exercise is absolutely a necessity.
+
+_Q._ Is riding permissible?
+
+_A._ Not when the wood pavement produces the new sore throat.
+
+_Q._ Should we eat?
+
+_A._ No; for everything is adulterated.
+
+_Q._ Should we drink?
+
+_A._ No; liquor is injurious.
+
+_Q._ Should we starve?
+
+_A._ No; meals are really needful.
+
+_Q._ Is it safe to stay at home?
+
+_A._ No; because change of air is most beneficial to everyone.
+
+_Q._ Is it advisable to go abroad?
+
+_A._ Not at all; many epidemics are reported to be rife everywhere on
+the other side of the channel.
+
+_Q._ Is it good to live?
+
+_A._ Scarcely; because illness is worse than death.
+
+_Q._ Is it good to die?
+
+_A._ Probably; everything else is a failure, so no doubt this, too, is
+a grand mistake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TO CRICKETERS.
+
+"OUT! FIRST BALL! A CATCH!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNDER THE ROOSE.
+
+RONDEL BY A RESTORED ONE.
+
+(_Some way after a Swinburnian Model._)
+
+  Under the ROOSE! Decay seemed slow but sure,
+  The golden chord Mors, lingering, aimed to loose;
+  But kindness, care, and skill work wondrous cure,
+  Under the ROOSE!
+
+  The patient probably had played the goose,
+  Liverish, listless, yielding to the lure
+  Of overstrain, caught in neglect's sly noose.
+
+  But symptoms pass if patience but endure,
+  And ROBSON'S regimen brooks no excuse.
+  Nerves get re-strung, the brisk blood pulses pure,
+  Under the ROOSE!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD PROVERB VERIFIED.--"Miss VERNE, whose renown as a pianist is
+rapidly increasing, has hitherto been known to concert-goers as Miss
+MATHILDE WURM." So at last "the WURM has turned," and become Miss
+VERNE!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT OUR EVENING PAPERS ARE COMING TO (_suggested by the newest thing
+in Pink and Green_).--Penny plain, and halfpenny coloured!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: 1893; OR, THE GOVERNMENT GUILLOTINE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  ["Here comes a light to light us to bed,
+  And a chopper to cut off the last--last--last Amendment's head!"
+
+  _Old Nursery Rhyme "amended."_]
+
+  There once was a Government good--
+  (All Governments are, so they tell us!)--
+  Who found themselves deep "in the wood,"
+  And a little bit blown in the "bellows."
+  Their foes, who were many and mean,
+  Persistently hunted and harried 'em.
+  Their time they to spend meant
+  On bogus "Amendment;"
+  They moved such by hundreds--and _all_ to befriend meant--
+  Jawed round 'em, and--now and then--carried 'em!
+  Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol!
+  That Government upped and it said--
+  "We seem to be getting no forrader.
+  It's time to go 'full steam ahead!'
+  _Bella horrida_ couldn't be horrider,
+  So let's declare 'war to the knife!'
+  Dr. GUILLOTIN'S knife, sharp and summary,
+  We _must_ put a stopper
+  On Unionist 'whopper,'
+  Or else the best Government must come a cropper
+  Along of their falsehood and flummery!"
+  Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol!
+  "Doctor GUILLOTIN claimed that his blade
+  Was 'a punishment sure, quick, and uniform,'
+  So when sham 'Amendment' has laid
+  On the table its paltry and puny form,
+  We'll just give it time to turn round,
+  And if it's prolix or cantankerous,
+  To the block be it led
+  And then--off with its head!"--
+  Well, for summary shrift there _is_ much to be said,
+  When the criminal's rowdy and rancorous.
+  Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUB JUDICE.
+
+(_An entirely Imaginary Report of an utterly Impossible Case._)
+
+THE MUSTARD MYSTERY. 120TH DAY.
+
+To-day the prisoner in this matter was once again brought before
+the magistrates on the charge already stated. The same counsel
+were present for the prosecution and the defence that had put in an
+appearance yesterday. The court was densely crowded.
+
+BENJAMIN BROWN deposed that he had often slammed a door. He knew the
+sound of the slamming of a door, and thought he could distinguish it
+from the noise of an earthquake. On cross examination he admitted
+that he had not slammed a door, and had never been present at an
+earthquake. On re-examination he said that although he had not been
+present at an earthquake he was conversant with its characteristics.
+
+JOHN JONES deposed that he had once seen a man who might have been the
+prisoner. It was sixteen years ago. The man to whom he referred was
+talking to a female. On cross-examination he admitted that, so far
+as he knew to the contrary, the man may have been addressing his
+grandmother. On re-examination he did not know that the female was a
+grandmother--she might have been a grand aunt.
+
+RICHARD ROBERTSON deposed that he had seen a pair of slippers. They
+might have been the slippers of the prisoner. He saw one of those
+slippers thrown with considerable force at a water-butt. He
+had examined the water-butt, and there was a mark on it. On
+cross-examination he admitted that he did not know how the mark on
+the water-butt had been made. It might have been by a boot, and not
+a slipper. He did not know to whom the slippers belonged. They might
+have been the property of the prisoner. He was not sure that he had
+seen the slippers in the presence of the prisoner. In fact, he was not
+sure he had ever seen the prisoner before. He was also doubtful about
+the identity of the slippers. However, on re-examination, he was sure
+he had seen some slippers, and also a water-butt.
+
+After some further evidence, the inquiry was adjourned until
+to-morrow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FASHION.
+
+"OH, MUMMY, HAVE YOU BEEN VACCINATED ON _BOTH_ ARMS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE THREE GEORGES.
+
+The following two letters have reached _Mr. Punch_, curiously enough,
+by the same post. Here they are, just as they were received:--
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Will you allow me, through your columns, to thank the
+public for the brilliant way in which they are recognising my claims
+to distinction? As I walk through the streets I see evidence on all
+hands that on Thursday night London will be ablaze with "G. M."!
+Permit me, Sir, thus publicly to thank a discriminating public.--Yours
+Egoist-ically,
+
+  G-ORGE M-R-D-TH.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The Alderman in Art is beaten, and even the City is
+one continuous tribute to "G. M." Critics, envious of my _Speaker_
+reputation, may carp, and say the tribute's all gas--a half-truth,
+concealing truth; but the public evidently know where to look for the
+true critical insight. I am obliged to them, and I thank you for this
+opportunity of saying so.
+
+  Yours (naturally) as fresh as paint,
+  G-ORGE M-RE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING THAT HAD BEEN BETTER LEFT UNSAID. (_By an ex-Old Bachelor,
+discontented with his condition in general, and his Mother-in-law in
+particular_).--"I will!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WEDDING FAVOUR.--A reserved first-class compartment on the London,
+Chatham and Dover.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AD FRATREM.
+
+BY A REMONSTRATIVE SISTER.
+
+(_See "Ad Examinatorem," Punch, July 1, 1893._)
+
+  Dear Tom, you astonished me quite
+  With your vigorous verses last week,
+  It will be an unceasing delight
+  In future, sweet brother, to speak
+  Of the family poet--yourself!
+  Yet I feel I must bid you beware.
+  It may not be nice, but the word of advice
+  Is your favourite, "Don't lose your hair!"
+
+  Yes, I own it was rather a blow
+  When they brought out the merciless list,
+  For you primed up the Pater, I know,
+  With such rubbish, and just _would_ insist
+  The Exam. was as hard as could be.
+  Ah! you painted it all at the worst,
+  It was hard lines on you, THOMAS, not to get through,
+  While the "crock" of a MAUD got a first.
+
+  Still, why did you rush into print
+  With your torrent of bitter complaint?
+  To do so without the least hint,
+  Well, brotherly, dear, it quite _ain't_.
+  'Twere wiser and better by far
+  To have laid all the blame on a tooth,
+  For whatever's the use of a lovely excuse
+  If not in concealing the truth?
+
+  So bottle your anger, dear boy,
+  Forget how to shuffle and shirk,
+  Find intelligent purpose and joy
+  In a season of honest hard work.
+  You'll pass when you go in again,
+  And eclipse in the passing poor me;
+  For a girl, though she can beat the whole tribe of Man,
+  Isn't fit, TOM, to have a degree!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SONG OF THE SESSION.
+
+AIR--"_What shall he have that kill'd the Deer?_"
+
+  What must he have who'd kill the Bill?
+  A leathern skin, and a stubborn will.
+  Brummagem's his home.
+  Take then no shame to name his name!
+  Bill-slaughtering is his little game.
+  He'd be its death--he swore it,
+  As limb from limb he tore it--
+  The Bill, the Bill, the lusty Bill!
+  Is it a thing Brum JOE _can_ kill?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TESTIMONIAL MANQUE.
+
+(A SKETCH FROM THE SUBURBS.)
+
+THE ARGUMENT--Mr. HOTSPUR PORPENTINE, _a distinguished resident in the
+rising suburb of Jerrymere, has recently been awarded fourteen
+days' imprisonment, without the option of a fine, for assaulting a
+ticket-collector, who had offered him the indignity of requiring him
+to show his season-ticket at the barrier. The scene is a Second-Class
+Compartment, in which four of_ Mr. PORPENTINE'S _neighbours are
+discussing the affair during their return from the City_.
+
+_Mr. Cockcroft (warmly)._ I say, Sir--and I'm sure all here will bear
+me out--that such a sentence was a scandalous abuse of justice. As
+a near neighbour, and an intimate friend of PORPENTINE'S, I don't
+'esitate to assert that he has done nothing whatever to forfeit our
+esteem. He's a quick-tempered man, as we're all aware, and to be asked
+by some meddlesome official to show his season, after travelling
+on the line constantly for years, and leaving it at home that
+morning--why--I don't blame him if he _did_ use his umbrella!
+
+_Mr. Balch. (sympathetically)._ Nor I. PORPENTINE'S a man I've always
+had a very 'igh respect for ever since I came into this neighbourhood.
+I've always found him a good feller, and a good neighbour.
+
+_Mr. Filkins (deferentially)._ I can't claim to be as intimate with
+him as some here; but, if it isn't putting myself too far forward to
+say so, I very cordially beg to say ditto to those sentiments.
+
+_Mr. Sibbering_ (_who has never "taken to"_ PORPENTINE). Well, he's
+had a sharp lesson,--there's no denying that.
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ Precisely, and it occurs to me that when he--ah--returns
+to public life, it would be a kind thing, and a graceful thing, and
+a thing he would--ah--appreciate in the spirit it was intended, if
+we were to present him with some little token of our sympathy and
+unabated esteem--what do you fellers think?
+
+_Mr. Filk._ A most excellent suggestion, if my friend here will allow
+me to say so. I, for one, shall be proud to contribute to so worthy an
+object.
+
+_Mr. Balch._ I don't see why we shouldn't present him with an
+address--'ave it illuminated, and framed and glazed; sort of thing
+he could 'ang up and 'and down to his children after him as an
+_heirloom_, y' know.
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ I don't like to throw cold water on any proposition, but
+if you want _my_ opinion, I must say I see no necessity for making a
+public thing of it in that way.
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ I'm with SIBBERING there. The less fuss there is about
+it, the better PORPENTINE'll be pleased. My idea is to give him
+something of daily use--a _useful_ thing, y' know.
+
+_Mr. Balch._ Useful _or_ ornamental. Why not his own portrait? There's
+many an artist who would do him in oils, and guarantee a likeness,
+frame included, for a five-pound note.
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ If it's to be like PORPENTINE, it certainly won't be
+_ornamental_, whatever else it is.
+
+_Mr. Filk._ It can't be denied that he is remarkably plain in the
+face. We'd better, as our friend Mr. COCKCROFT here proposes, make it
+something of daily use--a good serviceable silk umberella now--that's
+_always_ appropriate.
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ To make up for the one he broke over the collector's head,
+eh? that's _appropriate_ enough!
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ No, no; you mean well, FILKINS, but you must see
+yourself, on reflection, that there would be a certain want
+of--ah--good taste in giving him a thing like that under the
+circumstances. I should suggest something like a hatstand--a handsome
+one, of course. I happen to know that he has nothing in the passage at
+present but a row of pegs.
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ I should have thought he'd been taken down enough pegs
+already.
+
+[Illustration: "Well, he's had a sharp lesson,--there's no denying
+that."]
+
+_Mr. Filk. (who resents the imputation upon his taste)._ I can't say
+what the width of Mr. PORPENTINE'S passage may be, never having been
+privileged with an invitation to pass the threshold, but unless it's
+wider than ours is, he couldn't get a hatstand in if he tried, and
+if my friend COCKCROFT will excuse the remark, I see no sense--to say
+nothing of good taste, about which perhaps I mayn't be qualified to
+pass an opinion--in giving him an article he's got no room for.
+
+_Mr. Cocker. (with warmth)._ There's room enough in PORPENTINE'S
+passage for a whole host of hatstands, if that's all, and I know
+what I'm speaking about. I've been in and out there often enough.
+I'm--ah--a regular tame cat in that house. But if you're against the
+'atstand, I say no more--we'll waive it. How would it do if we gave
+him a nice comfortable easy-chair--something he could sit in of an
+evening, y' know?
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ A touchy chap like PORPENTINE would be sure to fancy
+we thought he wanted something soft after a hard bench and a plank
+bed--you can't go and give him _furniture_!
+
+_Mr. Cocker. (with dignity)._ There's a way of doing all things. I
+wasn't proposing to go and chuck the chair _at_ him--he's a sensitive
+feller in many respects, and he'd feel _that_, I grant you. He can't
+object to a little present of that sort just from four friends like
+ourselves.
+
+_Mr. Balch. (with a falling countenance)._ Oh! I thought it was to be
+a general affair, limited to a small sum, so that all who liked could
+join in. I'd no notion you meant to keep it such a private matter as
+all that.
+
+_Mr. Filk._ Nor I. And, knowing Mr. PORPENTINE so slightly as I do, he
+might consider it presumption in me, making myself so prominent in the
+matter--or else I'm sure----
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ There's no occasion for anyone to be prominent, except
+myself. You leave it entirely in my 'ands. I'll have the chair taken
+up some evening to PORPENTINE'S house on a 'andcart, and drop in, and
+just lead up to it carelessly, if you understand me, then go out and
+wheel the chair in, make him try it--and there you _are_.
+
+_Mr. Balch._ There _you_ are, right enough; but I don't see where _we_
+come in, exactly.
+
+_Mr. Filk._ If it's to be confined to just us four, I certingly think
+we ought _all_ to be present at the presentation.
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ That would be just the very thing to put a man like
+PORPENTINE out--a crowd dropping in on him like that! I know his ways,
+and, seeing I'm providing the chair----
+
+_Mr. Balch. (relieved)._ You are? That's different, of course; but I
+thought you said that we four----
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ I'm coming to that. As the prime mover, and a particular
+friend of PORPENTINE'S, it's only right and fair I should bear the
+chief burden. There's an easy-chair I have at home that only wants
+re-covering to be as good as new, and all you fellers need do is to
+pay for 'aving it nicely done up in velvet, or what not, and we'll
+call it quits.
+
+_Mr. Balch._ I daresay; but I like to know what I'm letting myself
+in for; and there's upholsterers who'll charge as much for doing up a
+chair as would furnish a room.
+
+_Mr. Filk._ I--I shouldn't feel justified, with my family, and, as,
+comparatively speaking, a recent resident, in going beyond a certain
+limit, and unless the estimate could be kep' down to a moderate sum, I
+really----
+
+_Mr. Sibb. (unmasking)._ After all, you know, I don't see why we
+should go to any expense over a stuck-up, cross-grained chap like
+PORPENTINE. It's well-known he hasn't a good word to say for us
+Jerrymere folks, and considers himself above the lot of us!
+
+_Mr. Balch and Mr. Filk._ I'm bound to say there's a good deal in what
+SIBBERING says. PORPENTINE'S never shown himself what _I_ should call
+sociable.
+
+_Mr. Cocker._ I've never found him anything but pleasant myself,
+whatever he may be to others. I'm not denying he's an _exclusive_ man,
+and a _fastidious_ man, but he's been 'arshly treated, and _I_ should
+have thought this was an occasion--if ever there was one--for putting
+any private feelings aside, and rallying round him to show our respect
+and sympathy. But of course if you're going to let petty jealousies
+of this sort get the better of you, and leave me to do the 'ole thing
+myself, _I've_ no objection. I daresay he'll value it all the more
+coming from me.
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ Well, he _ought_ to, after the shameful way he's spoken of
+you to a friend of mine in the City, who shall be nameless. You
+mayn't know, and if not, it's only right I should mention it, that
+he complained bitterly of having to change his regular train on
+your account, and said (I'm only repeating his words, mind you) that
+Jerrymere was entirely populated by bores, but you were the worst of
+the lot, and your jabber twice a day was more than he _could_ stand.
+He mayn't have _meant_ anything by it, but it was decidedly uncalled
+for.
+
+_Mr. Cockcr. (reddening)._ I 'ope I'm above being affected by
+the opinion any man may express of my conversation--especially a
+cantankerous feller, who can't keep his temper under decent control. A
+feller who goes and breaks his umbrella over an unoffending official's
+'ead like that, and gets, very properly, locked up for it! Jerrymere
+society isn't good enough for him, it seems. He won't be troubled with
+much of it in future--_I_ can assure him! Upon my word, now I come
+to think of it, I'm not sure he shouldn't be called upon for an
+explanation of how he came to be travelling without a ticket; it looks
+very much to me as if he'd been systematically defrauding the Company!
+
+_Mr. Filk._ Well, I didn't like to say so before; but that's been _my_
+view all along!
+
+_Mr. Balch._ And mine.
+
+_Mr. Sibb._ Now perhaps you understand why we'd rather leave it to you
+to give him the arm-chair.
+
+_Mr. Cockcr._ _I_ give a man an arm-chair for bringing disgrace on the
+'ole of Jerrymere! I'd sooner break it up for firewood! Whoever it was
+that first started all this tomfoolery about a testimonial, I'm not
+going to 'ave _my_ name associated with it, and if you'll take
+_my_ advice, you'll drop it once and for all, for it's only making
+yourselves ridiculous! [_His companions, observing that he is in
+a somewhat excited condition, consider it advisable to change the
+subject._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+_Tuesday, June 27._--_Faust_, in French. JEAN DE RESZKE was to have
+been _Faust_, but the "vaulting ambition" of the eminent Polish
+tenor led him to attempt a high jump with another Pole--the
+leaping-pole--and whether he had not his compatriot well in hand,
+or whether, "with love's light wings," _Romeo_ did _not_ manage to
+"o'ertop" the highest note above the line, deponent sayeth not, but
+this much is known, that he fell at the high jump, and, feeling the
+pain first in the under part of his foot, and then in the leg, he
+exclaimed, with _Hamlet_, "O my prophetic sole, my ankle!" the result
+being that he appeareth not to-night as _Faust_. If Frere JEAN DE
+RESZKE is going on by "leaps and bounds" in this manner, he will
+be known as "Brother JOHN the Risky." Madame NORDICA happy as
+_Marguerite_--at least she looked it, for even in the most tragic
+scenes there is always a sweet smile on her dimpled cheeks. Mlle.
+BAUERMEISTER makes a _Marta_ of herself as the merry old dame;
+Mlle. GUERCIA, as _Siebel_, is a Siebeline mystery; LASSALLE, as
+_Valentine_, pleases _la salle_; but Brother EDWARD "_prends le
+gateau_" as _Mephistopheles_.
+
+[Illustration: "O my prophetic sole, my ankle!"]
+
+_Wednesday._--_Tristan und Isolde_, which may be rendered _Triste
+'un und I solde-not-so-many-tickets-as-usual_, or _Triste 'un und I'm
+Sold_. "The fourth of the WAGNER Cycle." If there are eight of them
+then this is the Bi-Cycle, but there's more woe than weal in it, and
+though extracts may be relished by the learned amateur, yet, as a
+whole, WAGNER'S _Tristan_ does not attract our opera-going public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM.--No Nursery of Music can possibly be complete without
+"Leading-Strings."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ON TICK.
+
+_Seedy Swell._ "I SAY, OLD CHAP, TELL US THE TIME. I'M SURE YOUR WATCH
+GOES WELL."
+
+_Second S. S._ "IT GOES BEAUTIFULLY. IT WENT SIX MONTHS AGO TO MY
+UNCLE'S!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE FRENCH OARSMEN.
+
+(_From Mr. Punch, at Henley._)
+
+  Here's a hand, my fine fellows; in friendship you come,
+  And _Punch_, who likes courage, would scorn to be dumb.
+  He greets you with cheers; may your shades ne'er diminish,
+  Though you row forty-four from the start to the finish.
+  You will bear yourselves bravely, and merit your fame,
+  For brave man and Frenchman mean mostly the same.
+  We shall do what we can--it's our duty--to beat you,
+  But we know it will take a tough crew to defeat you.
+  And whatever the upshot, howe'er the race ends,
+  You and we, having struggled, shall always be friends.
+  So accept, while we cheer you again and again,
+  This welcome from Thames to his sister, the Seine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SKINNERS AND SKINNED.--One portion of the ancient award of Sir ROBERT
+BILLESDON, Lord Mayor of London, in settling a dispute between the
+Skinners and Merchant Taylors, was, that these two Companies should
+dine together once a year. Mr. Justice BRUCE, alluding to this at
+the banquet on Skinners Day, when, as was natural, many lawyers were
+present, suggested that it would be a good thing if power were given
+to judges to "condemn litigants to dine together, and to order that
+the costs of the dinner should come out of the Consolidated Fund"--a
+very good notion. The idea might be extended to entertaining Wards in
+Chancery, of whom two unhappy infants the other day were had up at the
+Police Court for picking and stealing, in order to feed themselves and
+keep themselves alive until they should reach the age when they would
+come into their Chancery-bound property of something like L20,000. The
+magistrate ordered an inquiry, but of "subsequent proceedings" we have
+not as yet seen any record.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RISING GENERATION.
+
+_Host._ "WHAT A SMART SET OF PEOPLE WE'VE GOT TO-NIGHT, DEARY!"
+
+_Hostess._ "YES. HOW I WISH ONE OF OUR DEAR GIRLS WOULD COME AND SIT
+BY US, AND TELL US WHO EVERYBODY IS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HYMEN HYMENAEE!!!"
+
+JULY 6, 1893.
+
+    ["Bid her awake; for Hymen is awake!"
+
+    _Spenser's Epithalamion._
+
+    "A contract of true love to celebrate; And some donation
+    freely to estate On the bless'd lovers."--_The Tempest._]
+
+  Hymen, the rose-crowned, is in sooth awake,
+  And all the world with him!
+  Shall drowsy opiate dim
+  The eyes of Love to-day? No, let all slake
+  A loyal thirst in bumpers, for Love's sake,
+  Full beaded to the brim!
+
+  Like the Venusian's "mountain stream that roars
+  From bank to bank along,
+  When autumn rains are strong,"[A]
+  A deep-mouthed People lifts its voice, and pours
+  Its welcome forth, that like a Paean soars
+  In strains more sweet than song.
+
+  More sweet than song, in that it straightway comes,
+  Unfeigned, from frank hearts;
+  From loyal lips it starts,
+  Unprompted, undragooned. The highway hums
+  With the full sound of it. Fifes, trumpets, drums
+  Bravely may play their parts.
+
+  In the Imperial pageant, but the swell
+  Of the free English shout
+  Strikes sweeter--who dares doubt?--
+  On Royal ears. Music of marriage bell
+  Clang on, and let the gold-mouth'd organ tell
+  Of love and praise devout!
+
+  But the crowd's vigorous clamour has a voice
+  Finer and fuller still;
+  A passion of goodwill
+  Rings, to our ears, through all the exuberant noise,
+  Which the recipient's heart should more rejoice
+  Than all Cecilia's skill.
+
+  So rivals for Apollo's laurel wreath
+  May loudly strike the lyre,
+  "To love, and young desire;"[B]
+  But "bold and lawless numbers grow beneath"[B]
+  The people's praise, and give the crowd's free breath
+  A "mastering touch of fire."[B]
+
+  "Hymen, O Hymen!" beauteous ladies cry,
+  "Hymen, O Hymen!" loud
+  Shout forth the echoing crowd
+  The city through; patricians perched on high,
+  And the plebeian patient plodding by,
+  Raise incense like a cloud.
+
+  And Hymen's here, kind eye on all to keep,
+  Hymen, with roses crowned,
+  Leads on the Lion, bound
+  In floral bonds and blossom-bridled, deep
+  In scattered flowers. Your lyres ye laureates sweep,
+  And marriage measures sound!
+
+  Not Una's guardian more gladly bare
+  Burden more pleasant--pure!
+  With footing gently sure
+  Leo on-paces. Hymen's torch in air
+  Flames fragrantly. Was ever Happy Pair
+  So served, or so secure?
+
+  Take the rose-reins, young bridegroom; bridled so
+  Leo's not hard to ride.
+  Sweet MAY, the new-made bride,
+  Will find her lion palfrey-paced. And lo!
+  The genial god's unfailing torch aglow
+  Burns bravely at her side!
+
+  Epithalamia seem out of date;
+  Hymen cares not to-day
+  To trill a fulsome lay,
+  Or hymn High Bridals with Spenserian state.
+  Goodwill to goodness simply dedicate,--
+  Such homage _Punch_ would pay.
+
+  "Hymen, O Hymen!" Like this torch's flame,
+  Bright be your wedded days!
+  May a proud people's praise,
+  Well earned, be your award of honest fame;
+  And on each gracious head,
+  Light may it lie, the crown you yet may claim,
+  As rest these roses red!
+
+[Footnote A: HORACE, "Ad Iulum Antonium," Ode 2, Book IV.]
+
+[Footnote B: HORACE--_ut supra._]
+
+[Illustration: "HYMEN HYMENAEE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TALE OF THE ALHAMBRA.
+
+Mons. JACOBI is a wonderful man. The undefeated hero of a hundred
+ballets--there or thereabouts--still beats time and the record with
+his baton at the Alhambra; and his music, specially composed for
+_Fidelia_, is to be reckoned among his ordinary triumphs. _Fidelia_ is
+"a new Grand Romantic Ballet," in four tableaux, and its performance
+justifies its promise. It is "new," it is decidedly "grand," it is
+absorbingly "romantic," and there's no denying that it is a _Ballet
+d'action_. But, as in the oft-quoted reply when little _Peterkin_
+asked "what it was all about," so will the ballet-case-hardened
+spectator say, "'Why that I cannot tell,' quoth he, 'But 'twas a
+splendid victory!'" Somebody, possibly one _Tartini_, played by
+Signorina CORMANI, is in love with _Fidelia_, Signorina POLLINI, as
+naturally anyone would be; when a comic servant, Mr. GEORGE LUPINO,
+is frightened by a Demon Fiddler with his fiddle (both being played by
+PAGANINI REDIVIVUS) who either assists the lovers or does his best to
+prevent their coming together, I am not quite clear which. Up to the
+last it seemed doubtful whether the Demon Doctor was a good or bad
+spirit, or a little mixed. His appearance is decidedly against him,
+as he looks the very deuce. But I am inclined to think that he was
+a "_bon diable_," and was doing everything, as everybody else on the
+stage and in the orchestra does, for the best. After all, and before
+all, the show is the thing, and this will rank, as it does now, among
+the best of the greatest attractions hitherto provided by the Alhambra
+Company for an appreciative public and for
+
+  YOUR REPRESENTATIVE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Scene from New Ballet.
+
+Conductor Jacobi Demonio charming the public to the Alhambra.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Madam DARMESTETER'S _Retrospect and other Poems_ is turned out by
+FISHER UNWIN in that dainty dress with which he has made attractive
+his Cameo Series. We used to know Madam DARMESTETER as Miss MARY F.
+ROBINSON, a writer of charming verse. That in her new estate she has
+not lost the old touch is witnessed by several pieces in this volume,
+notably the first, which supplies the title. The penultimate verse of
+this little lyric is most musical. There are several others nearly as
+good. But occasionally Madam writes sad stuff. Of such is _The Death
+of the Count of Armaniac_, of which this verse is a fair sample:
+
+  "ARMANIAC, O ARMANIAC,
+  Why rode ye forth at noon?
+  Was there no hour at even,
+  No morning cool and boon?"
+
+My Baronite, though not yet entered for the Poet Laureateship, thinks
+that kind of thing might be reeled off by the mile. Why not
+
+  My Maniac, O my Maniac,
+  Why rode ye forth at eve?
+  Was there no hour at morning tide,
+  No water in the sieve?
+
+[Illustration: A Clerk in Our Booking-Office.]
+
+Three years ago an American firm issued a princely edition of _The
+Memoir of Horace Walpole_, written by AUSTIN DOBSON. It was too
+expensive for mere Britishers, and only a small number of copies found
+their way to this country. But the literary work was so excellent,
+that it was pronounced a pity it should be entombed in this costly
+sarcophagus. Messrs. OSGOOD, MCILVAINE, & CO. have now brought out an
+edition, in a single handsome volume, at a reasonable price. HORACE
+WALPOLE has often been written about since he laid down the pen,
+but never by a more sympathetic hand than Mr. DOBSON'S, nor by
+one bringing to the task fuller knowledge of WALPOLE'S time and
+contemporaries. The charm of style extends even to the notes, usually
+in books of this class a tantalising adjunct. Mr. DOBSON'S are so full
+of information, and so crisply told, that they might with advantage
+have been incorporated in the text. The volume contains facsimiles of
+HORACE WALPOLE'S handwriting, an etching of LAWRENCE'S portrait, and
+a reproduction of the sketch of Strawberry Hill which illustrated the
+catalogue of 1774. Altogether a delightful book that will, my Baronite
+says, take its place on a favourite shelf of the library that has
+grown up round the memory of one of the most interesting figures of
+the Eighteenth Century.
+
+  THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WEAR AND TEAR IN AFRICA.
+
+    [In the report on the proposed Mombasa Railway, it is
+    suggested that the station-buildings should be enclosed with a
+    strong live-thorn palisade, impenetrable to arrows.]
+
+SCENE--_A Station on the Mombasa Railway._
+
+_New Station-Master_ (_to_ Telegraph Clerk). Did you send my message
+this morning, asking for a consignment of revolvers and arrow-proof
+shields?
+
+_Telegraph Clerk._ Yes, Sir. I can't make out why we haven't had an
+answer. Something may have gone wrong with the wires. I sent one of
+the porters to examine them. Ah, here he comes.
+
+_A Porter arrives._
+
+_Porter._ Just as I thought, Sir. Them blessed niggers have run short
+of cash, and they've bin and took a mile of our best wire.
+
+_Station-Master._ Taken a mile of wire? What the deuce do you mean?
+
+_Porter._ Ah, Sir, you're new to this 'ere job. Fact is, they can all
+buy theirselves a wife a-piece for two yards of our wire; and as there
+was a raid last week, and all their wives was made off with, they've
+just bin and took our telegraph wire to buy theirselves a new lot.
+
+_Station-Master._ Dear me, how very provoking. I must make a report of
+this occurrence immediately! But what does this crowd in the distance
+mean?
+
+_Porter._ Why bless my heart, it's a Wednesday, and I'd quite
+forgotten all about it. They always attacks us of a Wednesday, but
+they're a good half hour earlier than last week.
+
+_Station-Master._ This is very strange, very strange indeed. I doubt
+if the directors will approve of this. (_An arrow pierces him in the
+calf of the leg._) Oh, I say, you know, this will never do. Close the
+points--I mean shut the doors and barricade the windows. Let us at
+least die as railway men should.
+
+_Porter._ Lor' bless you, Sir, we shan't die. We've only got to pick
+off two or three dozen of 'em, and the rest will skip in no time.
+
+  [_They retire within the palisade, and during the next half hour
+  fight for their lives._
+
+_Telegraph Clerk_ (_plucking three arrows out of his left leg_).
+Things are getting a bit hot. Hurrah! here's the 5.30 down express
+with revolvers and ammunition. Now we shall settle 'em.
+
+  [_Arrival of the express. Retreat of the natives._
+
+_Station-Master._ I don't think I quite like this life. I'm going to
+off it.
+
+  [_Offs it accordingly._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OLD MAN'S MUSINGS.
+
+(_After an Afternoon Pipe, at Nazareth House, Hammersmith._)
+
+  ["Here again, clustered close round the fire
+  Are a number of grizzle-lock'd men, every one is a true 'hoary
+          sire.'
+  Bowed, time-beaten, grey, yet alert and responsive to kindness of
+          speech;
+  And see how old eyes can light up if you promise a pipe-charge to
+          each.
+  For the comforting weed KINGSLEY eulogised is not taboo in this
+          place,
+  Where the whiff aromatic brings not cold reproval to Charity's
+          face."
+
+  "_An Autumn Afternoon at Nazareth House._" _Punch, Nov. 5, 1892._]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  I don't just know who KINGSLEY was, but he was a good sort, I
+          reckon!
+  When nerves are slack and spirits low, the glowing pipe-bowl seems
+          to beckon
+  Like a good ghost or spirit kind to the fireside where age reposes.
+  Yes! bacca makes an old man's chair as easeful as a bed of roses.
+
+  Bad habit! So the strict ones say; expensive, wasteful, and
+          un-Christian!
+  I cannot argue of it out; I'm only a poor old Philistian.
+  But oh the comfort of a pipe, the company it lends the lonely!
+  It seems the poor soul's faithful friend, and oftentimes the last
+          and only.
+
+  Thanks be, they're not the hard sort _here_, in Nazareth House.
+          The gentle sisters
+  Take on a many helpful task; some of 'em, I misdoubt, are twisters.
+  I don't suppose our "shag"-fumes seem as sweet to them as to us
+          others;
+  But--well, they do not treat us here as badged machines, but human
+          brothers.
+
+  Stranded, alone, at seventy-five, after a life of luckless labour,
+  One feels what 'tis to be esteemed not as a nuisance, but a
+          neighbour;
+  A neighbour in the Good Book's sense; a poor one, and a helpless,
+          truly,
+  But--_not_ a plague, who'll live too long, if he is cossetted
+          unduly.
+
+  Lawks me, the difference! Don't you know the chilly scorn, the
+          silent snubbing
+  Which makes a man, as _is_ a man, feel he'd far rather take a
+          drubbing?
+  Old age and workhouse-duds may hide a deal of nature--from
+          outsiders;
+  But do you think old "crocks" can't _feel_, when they're shrunk
+          from, like snails
+  or spiders?
+
+  After my dinner, with my "clay," stringed round the stem, that
+          gums, now toothless,
+  May grip it firmer, here I sit and muse; and memory's sometimes
+          ruthless
+  In bringing up a blundering past. We own up frank, me and my
+          fellows,
+  Where we've gone wrong, and, in regrets employ our wheezy, worn
+          old bellows.
+
+  What might have been, if--if--ah, _if_! That little word, of just
+          two letters,
+  Stops me worse than a five-barred gate. I wonder if it does my
+          betters?
+  We never tire round Winter's fire, or settle-ranged in Summer
+          weather,
+  Of telling of the wandering ways by which we gathered _here_
+          together.
+
+  If some who prate of paupers' ways, their tantrums, or their love
+          of snuffing,
+  Their fretting at cold, hard-fast rules, their fancy for sly
+          bacca-puffing,
+  Could only scan the paupers' past a little closer than their mode
+          is,
+  They'd learn that still some sparks of soul burn in those
+          broken-down old bodies.
+
+  And soul does kick at iron rules, and icy ways. Old blood runs
+          chilly,
+  And craves the heat, of love, fire, pipe, to warm it up like. Very
+          silly,
+  No doubt, from BUMBLE'S point of view! _Here_ we're held human,
+          though so humble;
+  And, Heaven be blessed!--at Nazareth House we've never known the
+          rule of BUMBLE.
+
+  The very old and very young are much alike in many a matter;
+  Comfort and cheeriness we want, play or a pipe, romps or a chatter.
+  The Nazareth Sisterhood know this, and what is more, they work
+          according.
+  'Tis love and comfort make a Home, without 'em 'tis bare roof and
+          boarding!
+
+  Bitter-sweet memories come sometimes; but a gay burst of
+          baby-laughter,--
+  For we all _laugh_ at Nazareth House!--will banish gathering
+          blues. And after?
+  Well, there's the free-permitted whiff, the "old-boy" gossip, low
+          but cheery;
+  Rest and a Sister's sunny smile soon drive off whim and
+          whig-maleery.
+
+  And so laid up, like some old hulk that can no more hope for
+          commission,
+  I sit, and muse, and puff; and wait that last great change in
+          man's condition
+  That shifts us to that Great High House to which the Sisters point
+          us daily;
+  Awaiting which in homely ease, Old Age dwells calmly if not gaily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTELLIGENCE A L'AMERICAINE.
+
+_Telegram No. 1._--Nothing could have been more terrible than the
+scene following upon the earthquake. The houses sank through the
+ground, and immediately a number of lions, tigers, and poisonous
+serpents, attracted by the unusual occurrence, sprang upon the poor
+inhabitants, and by their fierce attacks increased their misfortune.
+But this was not all. Men and women, using swords, battle-axes, and
+revolvers, fought amongst themselves, until the commotion created by
+the landslip assumed the appearance of a pandemonium. At this moment,
+to make confusion worse confounded, a heavy storm broke over the
+fast-disappearing village, and thunderbolts fell like peas expelled
+through a peashooter. As if this were not enough, several prairie
+fires crept up, and the flames augmented the general discomfort. Take
+it all and all, the sight was enough to make the cheek grow pale with
+terror and apprehension.
+
+_Telegram No. 2._--Please omit lions, tigers, poisonous serpents,
+swords, battle-axes, revolvers, thunderbolts, prairie fires and cheek.
+They were forwarded in Telegram No. 1 owing to a clerical error.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. R. STARTLED.--"Most extraordinary things are reported in the
+papers!" observed Mrs. R. "Only the other day I either heard or read
+that there was a dangerous glazier somewhere about in the Caucasus,
+that he was using horrible language, and threatening to d---- you'll
+excuse my using such a word--the Terek (whoever he may be), and that
+then he was going to amuse--no, the word was 'divert'--somebody.
+Clearly a lunatic. But who can be diverted by such antics? And why
+don't they lock up the glazier?" [_On referring to the report, her
+nephew read that "A glacier was causing great alarm." &c., &c., that
+it was expected temporarily to "dam the Terek, and divert a vast body
+of water_," &c.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PISCATORIAL POLITENESS.
+
+(_From a Yorkshire stream._)
+
+_Privileged Old Keeper_ (_to Member of Fishing Club, of profuse and
+ruddy locks, who is just about to try for the Big Trout, a very wary
+fish_). "KEEP YER HEAD DOON, SIR, KEEP YER HEAD DOON!" (_Becoming
+exasperated._) "'ORD BOU IT, MAN, KEEP YER HEAD DOON! YER M'T AS WEEL
+COME WI' A TORCH-LEET PROCESSION TO TAK' A FISH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, June 26._--Hardly knew House to-night.
+Benches mostly empty; few present seemed to have no fight in them.
+Little round at outset on Betterment principle. Members roughly and
+not inaccurately illustrated it by staying outside. "In principle,"
+said PHILIPPE EGALITE, "the Terrace is Better meant for this weather
+than the House." Mr. G. in his place, listening eagerly to speeches by
+KIMBER, FERGUSSON, and other oratorical charmers. Generally believed
+that he had gone off to Hatchlands for holiday; nothing for him to do
+here; Home-Rule debate postponed till Wednesday; Supply, in meantime,
+might well be left to Minister in charge.
+
+"The fact is, TOBY," said Mr. G., when I remarked upon the pleasurable
+surprise of finding him in his place, "I really did think of making
+a little holiday, staying away till Wednesday. But when I got up
+this morning, looked round at green fields and lofty trees, they
+irresistibly reminded me of benches in House of Commons, and the
+pillars that support the gallery. Then the sunlit sky is very nice
+in its way; but do you know anything softer, more translucent or
+attractive than the light that floods the House of Commons from the
+glass roof? The more I thought of these things the more restless I
+grew amid tame attractions of rural life. This morning it might have
+been said of me, in the words of the poet,
+
+  Although my body's down at Hatchlands
+  My soul has gone aloft----
+
+to Westminster. The country is there all through the year and every
+day: Parliamentary Session lasts only seven, or at best eight months.
+This year, if we've luck, we may run it into ten. But then House
+doesn't meet every day. One is expected to go off to seaside, or
+somewhere else, from Saturday to Monday. Thinking of these things,
+couldn't resist temptation. So suddenly packed up, drove off, and here
+I am. Needn't stop all night, you know, if you fellows grudge me a
+little enjoyment; but shall at least begin evening pleasantly.
+Shall vote in division on Betterment question, and make statement on
+arrangements for Indian Currency."
+
+_Business done._--Some votes in Navy Estimates.
+
+_Tuesday._--CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN and W. WOODALL, V.C., the Casabiancas
+of the evening. They sit on Treasury Bench, whence all but they have
+fled; listen with polite attention to talk round Army Estimates; and
+when there's anything like a lull get up and say few words. Whole
+proceeding a farce of drearily colossal proportions. Major-General
+HANBURY prances to front, reviews British forces under present
+Administration, finds many buttons loose, and numerous gaiters askew.
+Opportunity useful for showing that this Eminent Legislator has not
+given up entirely to Home Rule what was meant for mankind. Omniscience
+HANBURY'S forte; Army Reform his foible. Honourable distinction for
+him that he has never drawn the sword on any tented field. Debates on
+Army Estimates invariably call to the front an amazing reserve force
+of unsuspected men of war. There are Colonels, Majors, and Captains
+enough to officer the army at Monaco.
+
+There's WEBSTER of East St. Pancras for example. The few Members
+present gasped for breath when, just now, he offered few observations
+on War Office management. What did he do in this galley? Well known
+that in interval of revising his popular Dictionary he trifles with
+the law. Might, in course of time, come to be Lord Chancellor;
+but never Field Marshal. That only shows how limited is current
+information, how true the observation that the world knows nothing
+of its greatest men. Why, for sixteen years WEBSTER served with
+distinction in the Third Battalion South Lancashire Regiment! Under
+his civilian waistcoat to this day he coyly hides the bronze medal for
+Blameless Conduct.
+
+That he should take part in debate on Army Estimates not only natural,
+but, in national interests, imperatively desirable. HANBURY'S case
+quite otherwise. He never set a squadron a field, nor the division of
+a battle knows more than ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS. Yet ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS is
+not more glib, authoritative, or, on the whole, more entertaining when
+Army Estimates are to the fore.
+
+_Business done._--Army Estimates in Committee.
+
+FRIDAY, 4 A.M.--Came upon NUSSEY an hour ago putting himself to bed
+on a chair in the Library. This his first experience of Parliamentary
+life; introduced at four o'clock yesterday afternoon, and took his
+seat for Pontefract. "Lawka mussey! and is this NUSSEY?" cried WILFRED
+LAWSON, whose aptitude for dropping into poetry beats _Silas Wegg_
+hollow. It certainly was NUSSEY yesterday afternoon, and this is what
+is left of him in the sunshine of a summer morning.
+
+"Didn't think," he said, with a feeble smile, "that on occasion of my
+proud entrance upon Parliamentary life I should forthwith be made into
+an all-night NUSSEY. All very well to grow gradually into that state
+of life. Begin, say, with suspending twelve-o'clock rule, and getting
+off at one or two in the morning. But to plunge straight in like this
+is, if I may say so, a little hard on newcomer fresh from country.
+I suppose, from look of it, that it is only beginning of things. An
+all-night NUSSEY to-day; a weekly NUSSEY before parched July has wet
+its lips; and so on, till I become a monthly NUSSEY. Very kind of
+you to come and see me, but if you don't mind, I'll just drop off to
+sleep. Put the Amendments to the Home Rule Bill on the chimbley, and
+I'll take a look at them when I feel dispoged."
+
+A nice night we've all had; moreover than which, at a quarter to
+three, lemon squashes gave out, and as one of waiters in hoarse
+voice assured me, there wasn't "a hounce of hice" left on premises.
+Yesterday afternoon Mr. G. moved his time-table Closure scheme
+in speech cogency of which testifies to miraculous advantage of
+limitation of delivery within space of half-hour. PRINCE ARTHUR
+followed in best debating speech he has delivered since he became
+Leader. Most adroit in argument, excellent in manner, felicitous in
+phrasing. He, too, brief, and therefore necessarily to the point.
+After this flood-tide of talk opened, and flowed, shallow but
+persistent, for next four hours. NAPOLEON BOLTONPARTY, getting on
+board the Raft of Tilsit-cum-North-St.-Pancras, drifted up and down on
+washy flood. Erect, arms folded, and imperial hat cocked defiantly
+at Mr. G. Liberals howled at him; shouts of "Moscow! Moscow!" mingled
+with cries of "Waterloo!" and "St. Helena!" N. B. shook his golden
+lilies in their teeth, and punted his Raft into the Tory harbour.
+
+JOEY C. turned up after early dinner, and the waters were speedily
+lashed into foam. Following the illustrious example of NAPOLEON
+BOLTONPARTY, JOSEPH threw off all mask of deference to former leader.
+Hitherto, even in moments of hottest conflict, JOEY C. has been sly,
+dev'lish sly, in his hearing towards his "right hon. friend."
+To-night he went for him, just as in days not so very far off good
+Conservatives like GRANDOLPH, amid thunderous Tory cheers, used to
+gird at the hero of the Aston Park Riots. "I admire the artful----"
+Here he paused, and looked down with bitter smile on the apparently
+sleeping figure of Mr. G. on the Treasury Bench. Five hundred lips in
+the listening throng involuntarily formed the syllables in familiar
+conjunction with the adjective. No, not yet. At present pace of
+progression "dodger" may come. To-night JOSEPH content, having
+gained the desired effect, to conclude the sentence with the words
+"----minister who drew up this resolution."
+
+At two o'clock this morning note was taken of fact that Mr. G., having
+been in his place almost incessantly since four yesterday afternoon,
+had carried his more than four score years off to bed. SQUIRE OF
+MALWOOD thought all sections of House would be anxious to spare the
+PRIME MINISTER further vigil. JOSEPH up like catapult. "Perfectly
+absurd," he snapped, "to attempt to make a fetish of name and age of
+PRIME MINISTER."
+
+"There's one good thing we may hope to see come out of this night,"
+said Member for Sark. "It should make an end of the treacly farce
+which bandies between hopelessly parted colleagues the title 'right
+hon. friend.'"
+
+_Business done._--Sat for thirteen hours, and negatived first
+Amendment to Closure Resolution.
+
+_Friday._--Having got away late last night, made up for it by coming
+back early this afternoon. Morning sitting, but no more fight
+left. Quite content with heroic struggle through long summer night;
+everything over by seven o'clock.
+
+Hear touching story, which shows how deeply rooted in human mind is
+habit of censoriousness. Not two more respectable-looking men in House
+than BARTLEY and TOMLINSON. To be in their company is to receive a
+liberal education in deportment. Walking home this morning, after
+all-night sitting, in sad converse on possibilities of fresh
+development of iniquity on part of Mr. G., they passed couple of
+British workmen going forth to day's labour. Said first British
+Workman, nudging his companion, and pointing with thumb over his
+shoulder at wearied legislators: "Tell you what, BILL, _them_ coves
+ain't been up to much good."
+
+_Business done._--Closure Resolutions agreed to. Home-Rule Bill packed
+up in compartments, to be opened as directed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GOOD NEWS!
+
+_'Arry._ "'TAINT NO GOOD MIKING A FUSS ABOUT IT, YER KNOW, GUV'NOR! ME
+AND MY PALS MUST 'AVE OUR 'D'Y OUT'!"
+
+_Foreign Fellow-Traveller._ "AHA! DIE OUT! YOU GO TO DIE OUT? MON
+DIEU! I AM VAIRY GLAD TO 'EAR IT. IT IS TIME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMING EVENTS AT THE LYCEUM.--With the exception of _Becket_, the part
+of _Shylock_ is HENRY IRVING'S most powerfully striking impersonation,
+and certainly ELLEN TERRY is at her best as _Portia_. It is played
+once again this month before our HENRY'S departure for America, and
+should not be missed by any genuine lover of SHAKSPEARE and of true
+dramatic art. _A propos_ of this, a certain excellent lady, whose
+name, beginning with R, is not absolutely unknown to _Mr. Punch_,
+asked this question:--"Isn't there some character in one of
+SHAKSPEARE'S plays called '_Skylark_'?" Then, as she proceeded to give
+a hazy idea of the plot, it gradually dawned upon the listeners that
+the _Merchant of Venice_ was the person of whom she was thinking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Memoria Tecknica." July 1.
+
+  "O mighty Mars! If in thy homage bred,
+  Each point of discipline I've still observed;
+  Of service, _to the rank of Major-General
+  Have risen_; assist thy votary now!"
+
+  _The Critic, Act ii., Sc. 2._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FEW BARS REST.--According to the _Globe_ the Cavalier ROBERT STAGNO,
+a well-known tenor, was arrested on a charge of forgery. What was
+it? Did he sign himself guaranteed as a tenner, worth two fivers, and
+'twas afterwards found he wasn't? The report requires confirmation, as
+it is most unlikely that a tenor should go so low and do anything so
+base.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. R. ON MUSIC.--Her nephew, who is an excellent amateur musician,
+read out an advertisement of a concert at St. James's Hall--"SARASATE
+_will play Suite No. 2_." His excellent relative, who is not well up
+in such matters, interrupted him with--"Ah! I _should_ like to hear
+Miss SARAH SARTY play 'Sweet No. 2'! I daresay it has something to do
+with 'Sweet seventeen.'" No explanation was necessary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been reepaired.
+
+['Vox et praeterea (praeterea) nihil: A voice and nothing else; sound
+without sense.]
+
+This issue contains some dialect, which has been retained.
+
+Page 9: 'spendid' corrected to 'splendid'. "'But 'twas a splendid
+victory!'"
+
+Page 13: 'A' corrected to 'At'. "At last, however, we managed to calm the
+indignant ladies,..."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+105, July 8th 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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