diff options
Diffstat (limited to '35534-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 35534-8.txt | 10531 |
1 files changed, 10531 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/35534-8.txt b/35534-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f207e5c --- /dev/null +++ b/35534-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10531 @@ +Project Gutenberg's How to be Happy Though Married, by Edward John Hardy + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: How to be Happy Though Married + Being a Handbook to Marriage + +Author: Edward John Hardy + +Release Date: March 9, 2011 [EBook #35534] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOW TO BE HAPPY THOUGH MARRIED *** + + + + +Produced by Colin Bell, Christine P. Travers and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + +[Transcriber's note: The author's spelling has been maintained. + ++ signs around words indicate the use of a different font in the book. + +In the word "Puranic", the "a" is overlined in the book.] + + + + +_HOW TO BE HAPPY THOUGH MARRIED._ + + + + +PRESS NOTICES ON THE FIRST EDITION. + + "_If wholesome advice you can brook, + When single too long you have tarried; + If comfort you'd gain from a book, + When very much wedded and harried; + No doubt you should speedily look, + In 'How to be Happy though Married!'_"--PUNCH. + + +"We strongly recommend this book as one of the best of wedding presents. +It is a complete handbook to an earthly Paradise, and its author may be +regarded as the Murray of Matrimony and the Baedeker of Bliss."--_Pall +Mall Gazette._ + +"The author has successfully accomplished a difficult task in writing a +clever and practical book on the important subject of matrimony.... This +book, which is at once entertaining and full of wise precepts, deserves +to be widely read."--_Morning Post._ + +"An entertaining volume.... The new guide to matrimonial +felicity."--_Standard_, Leader. + +"A clever, readable, and entertaining book.... This delicious +book."--_Literary Churchman._ + +"This most elucidatory treatise.... As a 'companion to the honeymoon,' +this orange blossom, true-love-knot ornamented volume should no doubt be +highly esteemed."--_Whitehall Review._ + +"The book is tastefully got up, and its contents adapt it very well for +a present to a young bride."--_Queen._ + +"One of the cleverest, best written books on the subject we have read at +any time. To girls contemplating marriage, the volume should be +presented as a wedding gift.... Grave and gay, but never for a moment +dull or tiresome. Each page sparkles with anecdote or suggestive +illustration."--_Ladies' Treasury._ + +"A highly ornamental yet handy, well printed, and admirably written +volume."--_The Lady._ + +"A rich store of entertaining anecdote, and full of thoughts beautiful, +pious, and wise. Has a tasteful binding."--_Bookseller._ + + + + +HOW TO BE HAPPY THOUGH MARRIED + +BEING A + +Handbook to Marriage + +BY + +_A GRADUATE IN THE UNIVERSITY OF MATRIMONY._ + + + "Domestic happiness, thou only bliss + Of Paradise that hast survived the fall! + Though few now taste thee, unimpaired and pure, + Or, tasting, long enjoy thee, too infirm + Or too incautious to preserve thy sweets + Unmixed with drops of bitters, which neglect + Or temper sheds into thy crystal cup."--_Cowper._ + +"It is fit that I should infuse a bunch of myrrh into the festival +goblet, and, after the Egyptian manner, serve up a dead man's bones at a +feast: I will only show it, and take it away again; it will make the +wine bitter, but wholesome."--_Jeremy Taylor._ + + + + +_SEVENTH AND POPULAR EDITION._ + + LONDON + T FISHER UNWIN + 26 Paternoster Square + 1887 + + + + + TO THOSE BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN WHO HAVE VENTURED, OR WHO INTEND TO + VENTURE, INTO THAT STATE WHICH IS "A BLESSING TO A FEW, A CURSE + TO MANY, AND A GREAT UNCERTAINTY TO ALL," THIS BOOK IS + RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED IN ADMIRATION OF THEIR COURAGE. + + + + +PREFACE. + + +Most of the books intended to give "counsel and ghostly strength" to +newly-married people are so like a collection of sermons that they are +given away rather than read. When writing the following pages I have +remembered that the only kind of vice all people agree to shun +is--advice, and have endeavoured to hide the pill. This is my excuse if +at times I seem to fall into anecdotage. + +One day two birds were busy building their nest in Luther's garden. +Observing that they were often scared while committing their petty +thefts by the passers to and fro, the Doctor exclaimed, "Oh, poor little +birds! fly not away; I wish you well with all my heart, if you would +only believe me!" If any birds of Paradise, or, to speak plainly, +newly-married people, are a little scared by the title of this book or +by any of its contents, I assure them that, while trying to place before +them the responsibilities they have undertaken, I wish them well with +all my heart, and take great interest in their nest-building. + +To ask critics to be merciful at a time when new books are so numerous +that our eyes ache with reading and our fingers with turning the pages, +would be to ask them not to do their duty. They are the policemen of +literature, and they are bound to make bad and worthless books "move on" +out of the way of their betters. I can only hope that if any notice this +little venture they may not feel obliged to "crush" it "among the +stoure," as the Ayrshire ploughman had to crush the "wee, modest, +crimson-tipped flower." + +I take this opportunity of thanking M. H., my best friend, without whose +help and sympathy this book would be a worse one than it is, and my life +much more unsatisfactory. + +Part of the first chapter was published in _Chambers's Journal_, and I +am indebted to _Cassell's Saturday Journal_ for two anecdotes. I now +tender my best thanks to the proprietors of those periodicals for +permission to reprint the passages. + + + + +PREFACE + +TO THE SECOND EDITION. + + +The "wee, modest, crimson-tipped flower," as I called this book when it +first made its appearance, has not been crushed with the ploughshare of +criticism "among the stoure." On the contrary, it has been so well +received that I am full of gratitude to the reviewers who recommended it +and to the public who bought it. One critic suggested that to make the +work complete a chapter on second marriages should be added. My reason +for not writing such a chapter is that, not having myself been as yet +often married, I did not presume to give advice to widows and widowers +who have their own experience to guide them. + +Taking up the book in a lending library a friend read aloud the title to +a lady who accompanied her--"How to be Happy though Married." _Lady_: +"Oh, bother the happiness; does it tell how to be married?" I hope that +I may be pardoned if I cannot always do this. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + CHAPTER I. Page + HOW TO BE HAPPY _THOUGH_ MARRIED 1 + + CHAPTER II. + TO BE OR NOT TO BE--MARRIED? 9 + + CHAPTER III. + MARRIAGE-MADE MEN 20 + + CHAPTER IV. + THE CHOICE OF A WIFE 33 + + CHAPTER V. + THE CHOICE OF A HUSBAND 45 + + CHAPTER VI. + ON MAKING THE BEST OF A BAD MATRIMONIAL BARGAIN 52 + + CHAPTER VII. + MARRIAGE CONSIDERED AS A DISCIPLINE OF CHARACTER 65 + + CHAPTER VIII. + BEING MARRIED 71 + + CHAPTER IX. + HONEYMOONING 80 + + CHAPTER X. + MARRIAGE VOWS 87 + + CHAPTER XI. + "DRIVE GENTLY OVER THE STONES!" 101 + + CHAPTER XII. + FURNISHING 113 + + CHAPTER XIII. + MARRIED PEOPLE'S MONEY 119 + + CHAPTER XIV. + THE MANAGEMENT OF SERVANTS 129 + + CHAPTER XV. + PREPARATION FOR PARENTHOOD 140 + + CHAPTER XVI. + "WHAT IS THE USE OF A CHILD?" 146 + + CHAPTER XVII. + THE EDUCATION OF PARENTS 155 + + CHAPTER XVIII. + WANTED!--MOTHERS 162 + + CHAPTER XIX. + "NURSING FATHERS" 172 + + CHAPTER XX. + POLITENESS AT HOME 184 + + CHAPTER XXI. + SUNSHINE 192 + + CHAPTER XXII. + THEY HAD A FEW WORDS 201 + + CHAPTER XXIII. + PULLING TOGETHER 211 + + CHAPTER XXIV. + NETS AND CAGES 221 + + CHAPTER XXV. + HUSBANDS HAVE DUTIES TOO 235 + + CHAPTER XXVI. + THE HEALTH OF THE FAMILY 244 + + CHAPTER XXVII. + LOVE SURVIVING MARRIAGE 254 + + CHAPTER XXVIII. + "HE WILL NOT SEPARATE US, WE HAVE BEEN SO + HAPPY" 260 + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +HOW TO BE HAPPY _THOUGH_ MARRIED. + + "How delicious is the winning + Of a kiss at love's beginning, + When two mutual hearts are sighing + For the knot there's no untying!"--_T. Campbell._ + + "Deceive not thyself by over-expecting happiness in the married + state. Look not therein for contentment greater than God will + give, or a creature in this world can receive, namely, to be free + from all inconveniences. Marriage is not like the hill Olympus, + wholly clear, without clouds."--_Fuller._ + + +"How to be happy _though_ married." This was the quaint title of one of +Skelton's sermons, which would certainly cause a momentary cloud of +indignation, not to say of alarm, to pass over the minds of a +newly-married couple, should they discover it when skimming through a +collection of old volumes on the first wet day of their honeymoon. + +"Two young persons thrown together by chance, or brought together by +artifice, exchange glances, reciprocate civilities, and go home to dream +of each other. Finding themselves rather uncomfortable apart, they +think they necessarily must be happy together." But there is no such +necessity. In marriage the measure of our happiness is usually in +proportion to our deserts. + + "No man e'er gained a happy life by chance, + Or yawned it into being with a wish." + +This, however, is just what many novices think they can do in reference +to matrimony. They fancy that it has a magic power of conferring +happiness almost in spite of themselves, and are quite surprised when +experience teaches them that domestic felicity, like everything else +worth having, must be worked for--must be earned by patient endurance, +self-restraint, and loving consideration for the tastes, and even for +the faults, of him or her with whom life is to be lived. + +And yet before the first year of married life has ended, most people +discover that Skelton's subject, "How to be happy though married," was +not an unpractical one. Then they know that the path upon which they +have entered may be strewn with thorns instead of with roses, unless +mutual forbearance and mutual respect guard the way. The old bachelor +who said that marriage was "a very harmless amusement" would not have +pronounced such an unconditional judgment had he known more about it. +Matrimony is a harmless and a happy state only when careful precaution +is taken to defend the domain of the affections from harshness and +petulance, and to avoid certain moral and physical pitfalls. + +Like government, marriage must be a series of compromises; and however +warm the love of both parties may be, it will very soon cool unless they +learn the golden rule of married life, "To bear and to forbear." In +matrimony, as in so many other things, a good beginning is half the +battle. But how easily may good beginnings be frustrated through +infirmity of temper and other causes, and then we must "tread those +steps with sorrow which we might have trod with joy." + +"I often think," says Archdeacon Farrar, "that most of us in life are +like many of those sight-seers who saunter through this (Westminster) +Abbey. Their listless look upon its grandeur and its memorials furnishes +an illustration of the aspect which we present to higher powers as we +wander restlessly through the solemn minster-aisles of life.... We talk +of human misery; how many of us derive from life one-tenth part of what +God meant to be its natural blessedness? Sit out in the open air on a +summer day, and how many of us have trained ourselves to notice the +sweetness and the multiplicity of the influences which are combining for +our delight--the song of birds; the breeze beating balm upon the +forehead; the genial warmth; the delicate odour of ten thousand +flowers?" + +What is said here of life in general is also true of married life. We go +through the temple of Hymen without noticing, much less appreciating, +its beauty. Certainly few people gain as much happiness from their +marriage as they might. They expect to find happiness without taking any +trouble to make it, or they are so selfishly preoccupied that they +cannot enjoy. In this way many a husband and wife only begin to value +each other when death is at hand to separate them. + +In married life sacrifices must be ever going on if we would be happy. +It is the power to make another glad which lights up our own face with +joy. It is the power to bear another's burden which lifts the load from +our own heart. To foster with vigilant, self-denying care the +development of another's life is the surest way to bring into our own +joyous, stimulating energy. Bestow nothing, receive nothing; sow +nothing, reap nothing; bear no burden of others, be crushed under your +own. If many people are miserable though married, it is because they +ignore the great law of self-sacrifice that runs through all nature, and +expect blessedness from receiving rather than from giving. They reckon +that they have a right to so much service, care, and tenderness from +those who love them, instead of asking how much service, care, and +tenderness they can give. + +No knowledge is so well worth acquiring as the science of living +harmoniously for the most part of a life with another, which we might +take as a definition of matrimony. This science teaches us to avoid +fault-finding, bothering, boring, and other tormenting habits. "These +are only trifling faults," you say. Yes, but trifles produce domestic +misery, and domestic misery is no trifle. + + "Since trifles make the sum of human things, + And half our misery from those trifles springs, + Oh! let the ungentle spirit learn from thence, + A _small_ unkindness is a _great_ offence. + To give rich gifts perhaps we wish in vain, + But all may shun the guilt of giving pain." + +Husband and wife should burn up in the bonfire of first-love all hobbies +and "little ways" that could possibly prevent home from being sweet. How +happy people are, though married, when they can say of each other what +Mrs. Hare says of her husband in "Memorials of a Quiet Life": "I never +saw anybody so easy to live with, by whom the daily petty things of +life were passed over so lightly; and then there is a charm in the +_refinement_ of feeling which is not to be told in its influence upon +trifles." + +A married pair should be all the world to each other. Sydney Smith's +definition of marriage is well known: "It resembles a pair of shears, so +joined that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite +directions, yet always punishing any one who comes between them." +Certainly those who go between deserve to be punished; and in whatever +else they may differ, married people should agree to defend themselves +from the well-meant, perhaps, but irritating interference of friends. +Above all, they should remember the proverb about the home-washing of +soiled linen, for, as old Fuller said, "Jars concealed are half +reconciled; while, if generally known, 'tis a double task to stop the +breach at home and men's mouths abroad." + +Why should love-making end with courtship, and of what use are conquests +if they are not guarded? If the love of a life-partner is of far more +value than our perverse fancies, it is the part of wisdom to restrain +these in order to keep that. A suggestion was recently made from an +American pulpit that there was room for a new society which should teach +husband and wife their duty to each other. "The first article of the +constitution should be that any person applying for membership should +solemnly covenant and agree that throughout married life he or she would +carefully observe and practise all courtesy, thoughtfulness, and +unselfishness that belong to what is known as the 'engagement' period. +The second article should be that neither member of a conjugal +partnership should listen to a single word of criticism of the other +member from any relative whatever, even should the words of wisdom drop +from the lips of father, mother, brother, or sister. The rules of the +new society need not extend beyond these two, for there would be nothing +in the conduct of members in good standing to require other special +attention." + +The wife, on her part, ought not to be less desirous than she was in the +days of courtship of winning her husband's admiration, merely because +she now wears upon her finger a golden pledge of his love. Why should +she give up those pretty wiles to seem fair and pleasant in his eyes, +that were suggested in love-dreams? Instead of lessening her charms, she +should endeavour to double them, in order that home may be to him who +has paid her the greatest compliment in his power, the dearest and +brightest spot upon earth--one to which he may turn for comfort when +sick of business and the weary ways of men generally. + +George Eliot tells us that marriage must be a relation either of +sympathy or of conquest; and it is undoubtedly true that much of the +matrimonial discord that exists arises from the mutual struggle for +supremacy. They go to church and say "I will," and then, perhaps, on the +way home, one or other says "I won't," and that begins it. "What is the +reason," said one Irishman to another, "that you and your wife are +always disagreeing?" "Because," replied Pat, "we are both of one +mind--she wants to be master and so do I." How shall a man retain his +wife's affections? Is it by not returning them? Certainly not. The +secret of conjugal felicity is contained in this formula: demonstrative +affection and self-sacrifice. A man should not only love his wife +dearly, but he should tell her that he loves her, and tell her very +often, and each should be willing to yield, not once or twice, but +constantly, and as a practice to the other. Selfishness crushes out +love, and most of the couples who are living without affection for each +other, with cold and dead hearts, with ashes where there should be a +bright and holy flame, have destroyed themselves by caring too much for +themselves and too little for each other. + +Each young couple that begins housekeeping on the right basis brings the +Garden of Eden before man once more. There are they, two, alone; love +raises a wall between them and the outer world. There is no serpent +there--and, indeed, he need never come, nor does he, so long as Adam and +Eve keep him at bay; but too often the hedge of love is broken, just a +little, by small discourtesies, little inattentions, small incivilities, +that gradually but surely become wider and wider holes, until there is +no hedge at all, and all sorts of monsters enter in and riot there. + + "Out of the very ripeness of life's core, + A worm was bred." + +The only real preservative against this worm is true religion. Unhappily +for themselves the healthy and young sometimes fancy that _they_ need +not think of this. They forget that religion is required to ennoble and +sanctify this present life, and are too liable to associate it +exclusively with the contemplation of death. "So 'a cried out--God, God, +God! three or four times: now I, to comfort him, bid him 'a should not +think of God; I hoped there was no need to trouble himself with any such +thoughts yet." This advice, which Mrs. Quickly gave to Falstaff on his +deathbed, reflects the thoughts of many people, but it was not sound +advice. Certainly it would be cruel rather than kind to advise a young +pair who have leaped into the dark of married life not to think of God. +He is a Saviour from trouble rather than a troubler, and the husband and +wife who never try to serve Him will not be likely to serve each other +or to gain much real happiness from their marriage. + +The following is related in the memoirs of Mary Somerville. When a girl +she and her brother had coaxed their timid mother to accompany them for +a sail. The day was sunny, but a stiff breeze was blowing, and presently +the boat began to toss and roll. "George," Mrs. Fairfax called to the +man in charge, "this is an awful storm! I fear we are in great danger; +mind how you steer; remember I trust in you!" He replied, "Dinna trust +in me, leddy; trust in God Almighty." In terror the lady exclaimed, +"Dear me, is it come to that!" To _that_ it ought to come on the day of +marriage quite as much as on the day of death. It is not only in times +of danger and distress that we want God's presence, but in the time of +our well-being, when all goes merry as a marriage bell. Live away from +Him, and the happiness you enjoy to-day may become your misery +to-morrow. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +TO BE OR NOT TO BE--MARRIED? + + "A bitter and perplexed 'What shall I do?'"--_Coleridge._ + + "Then, why pause with indecision + When bright angels in thy vision + Beckon thee to fields Elysian?"--_Longfellow._ + + +To be or not to be--married? That is the question that may occur to +readers of the last chapter. If so much precaution and preparation are +necessary to ensure a harmless, not to say a happy marriage, is the game +worth the candle? Is it not better for the unmarried to cultivate the +contented state of mind of that old Scotch lady who said, "I wadna gie +my single life for a' the double anes I ever saw"? + +The controversy as to whether celibacy or wedlock be the happier state +is a very old one, perhaps as old as what may be called the previous +question--whether life itself be worth living. Some people are very +ingenious in making themselves miserable, no matter in what condition +of life they find themselves; and there are a sufficient number of +querulous celibates as well as over-anxious married people in the world +to make us see the wisdom of the sage's words: "Whichever you do, +whether you marry or abstain, you will repent." If matrimony has more +pleasures and celibacy fewer pains, if loving be "a painful thrill, and +not to love more painful still," it is impossible exactly to balance the +happiness of these two states, containing respectively more pleasure and +more pain, and less pleasure and less pain. "If hopes are dupes, fears +may be liars." + +It has been said of the state of matrimony that those who are in desire +to get out, and those who are out, wish to enter. The more one thinks on +the matter in this spirit, the more one becomes convinced that the +Scotch minister was by no means an alarmist who thus began an extempore +marriage service: "My friends, marriage is a blessing to a few, a curse +to many, and a great uncertainty to all. Do ye venture?" After a pause, +he repeated with great emphasis, "Do ye venture?" No objection being +made to the venture, he then said, "Let's proceed." + +With the opinion of this Scotch minister we may compare that of Lord +Beaconsfield: "I have often thought that all women should marry, and no +men." The Admiral of Castile said, that "he who marries a wife and he +who goes to war must necessarily submit to everything that may happen." +There will, however, always be young men and maidens who believe that +nothing can happen in matrimony that is worse than never to be married +at all. + +When Joseph Alleine, who was a great student, married, he received a +letter of congratulation from an old college friend, who said that he +had some thoughts of following his example, but wished to be wary, and +would therefore take the freedom of asking him to describe the +inconveniences of a married life. Alleine replied, "Thou would'st know +the inconveniences of a wife, and I will tell thee. First of all, +whereas thou risest constantly at four in the morning, or before, she +will keep thee till six; secondly, whereas thou usest to study fourteen +hours in the day, she will bring thee to eight or nine; thirdly, whereas +thou art wont to forbear one meal at least in the day for thy studies, +she will bring thee to thy meat. If these are not mischief enough to +affright thee, I know not what thou art." Most people will think that +such "inconveniences of a wife" are the strongest arguments in her +favour. Nearly all men, but especially bookish men, require the healthy +common-sense influence of women to guide and sweetly order their lives. +If we make fools of ourselves with them, we are even greater fools +without them. + +With whatever luxuries a bachelor may be surrounded, he will always find +his happiness incomplete unless he has a wife and children to share it. + +Who does not sympathize with Leigh Hunt? When in prison he wrote to the +governor requesting that "his wife and children might be allowed to be +with him in the daytime: that his happiness was bound up in them, and +that a separation in respect of abode would be almost as bad to him as +tearing his body asunder." + +To be, or not to be--married? This is one of those questions in +reference to which the speculative reason comes to no certain +conclusion. _Solvitur ambulando._ It has nearly distracted some men, +whose minds were sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought. They have +almost died of indecision, like the donkey between two exactly similar +bundles of hay. An individual of this description, who was well known to +the writer, after dropping into a letter-pillar a proposal to a young +lady, was seen a few moments afterwards endeavouring to extract with a +stick the precious document. Failing in his attempt, the wretched mortal +walked round and round the pillar, tortured with the recurrence of +reasons against matrimony which he had lately argued away. Fortunately +for both parties the lady refused the tempting offer. + +And yet this hesitating lover was, perhaps, but a type of many young men +of the age. Nowadays, it is often said they are giving up matrimony as +if it were some silly old habit suited only to their grandfathers and +grandmothers. The complaint is an old one. It was brought against pagan +youths more than eighteen hundred years ago, and yet the world has got +along. But can all the blame be justly thrown upon the one sex to the +exclusion of the other? Have thoughtless extravagance and ignorance of +household economy on the part of the ladies no share in deterring the +men from making so perilous a venture? + +It is said that years ago in Burmah the ladies of the Court met in +formal parliament to decide what should be done to cure the increasing +aversion of young men to marriage. Their decision was a wise one. They +altered, by an order from the palace, the style of dress to be worn by +all honest women, reduced the ornaments to be assumed by wives to the +fewest and simplest possible, and ordained that at a certain age women +should withdraw from the frivolities of fashion and of the fashionable +world. Success was the result, and young Burmah went up in a body to the +altar. + +Robert Burton, in his very quaint and interesting "Anatomy of +Melancholy," gives an abstract of all that may be said "to mitigate the +miseries of marriage," by Jacobus de Voragine. "Hast thou means? thou +hast none to keep and increase it. Hast none? thou hast one to help to +get it. Art in prosperity? thine happiness is doubled. Art in adversity? +she'll comfort, assist, bear a part of thy burden to make it more +tolerable. Art at home? she'll drive away melancholy. Art abroad? she +looks after thee going from home, wishes for thee in thine absence, and +joyfully welcomes thy return. There's nothing delightsome without +society, no society so sweet as matrimony. The band of conjugal love is +adamantine. The sweet company of kinsmen increaseth, the number of +parents is doubled, of brothers, sisters, nephews. Thou art made a +father by a fair and happy issue. Moses curseth the barrenness of +matrimony--how much more a single life!" "All this," says Burton, "is +true; but how easy a mater is it to answer quite opposite! To exercise +myself I will essay. Hast thou means? thou hast one to spend it. Hast +none? thy beggary is increased. Art in prosperity? thy happiness is +ended. Art in adversity? like Job's wife, she'll aggravate thy misery, +vex thy soul, make thy burden intolerable. Art at home? she'll scold +thee out of doors. Art abroad? If thou be wise, keep thee so; she'll +perhaps graft horns in thine absence, scowl on thee coming home. +Nothing gives more content than solitariness, no solitariness like this +of a single life. The band of marriage is adamantine--no hope of loosing +it; thou art undone. Thy number increaseth; thou shalt be devoured by +thy wife's friends. Paul commends marriage, yet he prefers a single +life. Is marriage honourable? What an immortal crown belongs to +virginity! 'Tis a hazard both ways, I confess, to live single, or to +marry; it may be bad, it may be good; as it is a cross and calamity on +the one side, so 'tis a sweet delight, an incomparable happiness, a +blessed estate, a most unspeakable benefit, a sole content, on the +other--'tis all in the proof." + +In balancing this question Lord Bacon takes higher ground, and thinks of +the effect of marriage and celibacy on a man in his public capacity. "He +that hath wife and children hath given hostages to Fortune, for they are +impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief. +Certainly the best works, and of the greatest merit for the public, have +proceeded from the unmarried or childless men, which, both in affection +and means, have married and endowed the public. Yet it were great reason +that those that have children should have greatest care of future times, +unto which they know they must transmit their dearest pledges. Some +there are who, though they lead a single life, yet their thoughts do end +with themselves, and account future times impertinences. Nay, there are +some other that account wife and children but as bills of charges. Nay +more, there are some foolish, rich, covetous men that take a pride in +having no children because they may be thought so much the richer. For +perhaps they have heard some talk: 'Such an one is a great rich man;' +and another except to it: 'Yea, but he hath a great charge of children,' +as if it were an abatement to his riches. But the most ordinary cause +of a single life is liberty, especially in certain self-pleasing and +humorous minds, which are so sensible of every restraint, as they will +go near to think their girdles and garters to be bonds and shackles. +Unmarried men are best friends, best masters, best servants, but not +always best subjects, for they are light to run away, and almost all +fugitives are of that condition. A single life doth well with church +men, for charity will hardly water the ground where it must first fill a +pool." + +After all, these enumerations of the comparative advantages of marriage +and celibacy are of little use, for a single glance of a pair of bright +eyes will cause antimatrimonial arguments to go down like ninepins. The +greatest misogamists have been most severely wounded when least +expecting it by the darts of Cupid. Such a mishap, according to the +anatomist of melancholy already quoted, had "Stratocles the physician, +that blear-eyed old man. He was a severe woman's-hater all his life, a +bitter persecutor of the whole sex; he foreswore them all still, and +mocked them wheresoever he came in such vile terms, that if thou hadst +heard him thou wouldst have loathed thine own mother and sisters for his +word's sake. Yet this old doting fool was taken at last with that +celestial and divine look of Myrilla, the daughter of Anticles the +gardener, that smirking wench, that he shaved off his bushy beard, +painted his face, curled his hair, wore a laurel crown to cover his bald +pate, and for her love besides was ready to run mad." + +If it be true that "nothing is certain but death and taxes," we must not +seek for mathematical demonstration that the road we propose to travel +on is the right one when we come to crossroads in life. A certain amount +of probability ought to make us take either one or the other, for not to +resolve is to resolve. In reference to such questions as marriage +_versus_ celibacy, the choice of a wife, the choice of a profession, and +many others, there must be a certain venture of faith, and in this +unintelligible world there is a rashness which is not always folly. + +There are, of course, many persons who, if they married, would be guilty +of great imprudence, not to say of downright crime. When, however, two +_lovers_--we emphasise the word--have sufficient means, are of a +suitable age, and are conscious of no moral, intellectual, or physical +impediment, let them marry. It is the advice of some very wise men. +Benjamin Franklin wrote to a young friend upon his marriage: "I am glad +you are married, and congratulate you most cordially upon it. You are +now in the way of becoming a useful citizen, and you have escaped the +unnatural state of celibacy for life--the fate of many here who never +intended it, but who, having too long postponed the change of their +condition, find at length that it is too late to think of it, and so +live all their lives in a situation that greatly lessens a man's value. +An old volume of a set of books bears not the value of its proportion to +the set. What think you of the odd half of a pair of scissors? It can't +well cut anything--it may possibly serve to scrape a trencher!" + +Dr. Johnson says: "Marriage is the best state for man in general; and +every man is a worse man in proportion as he is unfit for the married +state." Of marriage Luther observed: "The utmost blessing that God can +confer on a man is the possession of a good and pious wife, with whom he +may live in peace and tranquillity, to whom he may confide his whole +possessions, even his life and welfare." And again he said: "To rise +betimes and to marry young are what no man ever repents of doing." +Shakespeare would not "admit impediments to the marriage of true minds." + +The cares and troubles of married life are many, but are those of single +life few? The bachelor has no one on whom in all cases he can rely. As a +rule his expenses are as great as those of a married man, his life less +useful, and certainly it is less cheerful. "What a life to lead!" +exclaims Cobbett. "No one to talk to without going from home, or without +getting some one to come to you; no friend to sit and talk to, pleasant +evenings to pass! Nobody to share with you your sorrows or your +pleasures; no soul having a common interest with you; all around you +taking care of themselves and no care of you! Then as to gratifications, +from which you will hardly abstain altogether--are they generally of +little expense? and are they attended with no trouble, no vexation, no +disappointment, no _jealousy_ even? and are they never followed by shame +and remorse? To me no being in this world appears so wretched as an _old +bachelor_. Those circumstances, those changes in his person and in his +mind, which in the husband increase rather than diminish the attentions +to him, produce all the want of feeling attendant on disgust; and he +beholds in the conduct of the mercenary crowd that surround him little +besides an eager desire to profit from that event the approach of which +nature makes a subject of sorrow with him." + +And yet it would be very wrong to hasten young men in this matter, for +however miserable an old bachelor may be, he is far more happy than +either a bad husband or the husband of a bad wife. What is one man's +meat may be another man's poison. To some persons we might say, "If you +marry you do well, but if you marry not you do better." In the case of +others marriage may have decidedly the advantage. Like most other things +marriage is good or bad according to the use or abuse we make of it. The +applause that is usually given to persons on entering the matrimonial +stage is, to say the least, premature. Let us wait to see how they will +play their parts. + +And here we must protest against the foolish and cowardly ridicule that +is sometimes bestowed upon elderly men and women who, using the liberty +of a free country, have abstained from marrying. Certainly some of them +could give reasons for spending their lives outside the temple of Hymen +that are far more honourable than the motives which induced their +foolish detractors to rush in. Some have never found their other selves, +or circumstances prevented the junction of these selves. And which is +more honourable--a life of loneliness or a loveless marriage? There are +others who have laid down their hopes of wedded bliss for the sake of +accomplishing some good work, or for the sake of a father, mother, +sister, or brother. In such cases celibacy is an honourable and may be a +praiseworthy state. + +To make "old maid" a term of reproach has mischievous results, and +causes many an ill-assorted marriage. Girls have been hurried into +marriage by the dread of being so stigmatized who have repented the step +to their dying day. The sacredness of marriage and the serious +responsibilities it brings are either ignored altogether or but lightly +considered when marriage is represented as the only profession for +women. There is no truth in Brigham Young's doctrine that only a woman +_sealed_ to a man in marriage can possibly be saved. + +Let mothers teach their daughters that although a well-assorted marriage +based upon mutual love and esteem may be the happiest calling for a +woman, yet that marriage brings its peculiar trials as well as special +joys, and that it is quite possible for a woman to be both useful and +happy, although youth be fled, and the crowning joys of life--wife and +motherhood--have passed her by or been voluntarily surrendered. + +But this fact that celibacy has many consolations need not prevent the +conclusion that as a rule married life is to be preferred. + +"Jeanie," said an old Cameronian to his daughter, who was asking his +permission to marry--"Jeanie, it's a very solemn thing to get married." + +"I ken that, father," said the sensible lassie, "but it's a great deal +solemner to be single." + +Marriages are made in heaven: matrimony in itself is good, but there are +fools who turn every blessing into a curse, like the man who said, "This +is a good rope, I'll hang myself with it." + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +MARRIAGE-MADE MEN. + + "A wife's a man's best peace, who, till he marries, + Wants making up.... + She is the good man's paradise, and the bad's + First step to heaven."--_Shirley._ + + "Th' ever womanly + Draweth us onward!"--_Goethe._ + + "This is well, + To have a dame indoors, that trims us up, + And keeps us tight."--_Tennyson._ + + +If there be any _man_--women are seldom anti-matrimonial bigots--who +seriously doubts that the _pros_ in favour of marriage more than +counterbalance the _cons_, we commend to his consideration a few +historical instances in which men have been made men in the highest +sense of the word by marriage. + +We do not endorse the exaggerated statement of Richter that "no man can +live piously or die righteously without a wife," but we think that the +chances of his doing so are considerably lessened. It is not good for a +man to live alone with his evil thoughts. The checks and active duties +of marriage are the best antidote, not only to an impure life, but to +the dreaming and droning of a useless and purposeless one. + +Certainly there are some men and women who without wives or husbands are +marriage-made in the sense of having their love and powers drawn out by +interesting work. They are married to some art or utility, or instead of +loving one they love all. When this last is the case they go down into +the haunts of evil, seek out the wretched, and spare neither themselves +nor their money in their Christ-like enthusiasm for humanity. But the +luxury of doing good is by no means confined to the celibate. On the +contrary, the man with a wife and children in whose goodness and +happiness he rejoices may be much better prepared to aid and sympathize +with the erring and the suffering. The flood-gates of his affections may +have been opened, and he may have become receptive to influences which +had upon him beforetime little or no effect. + +Not a few good and great men have confessed that they were marriage-made +to a very considerable extent. The following testimony was given by De +Tocqueville in a letter to a friend: "I cannot describe to you the +happiness yielded in the long run by the habitual society of a woman, in +whose soul all that is good in your own is reflected naturally, and even +improved. When I say or do a thing which seems to me to be perfectly +right, I read immediately in Marie's countenance an expression of proud +satisfaction which elevates me; and so when my conscience reproaches me +her face instantly clouds over. Although I have great power over her +mind, I see with pleasure that she awes me; and so long as I love her as +I do now I am sure that I shall never allow myself to be drawn into +anything that is wrong." + +Many a man has been shown the pathway to heaven by his wife's practice +of piety. "My mercy," says Bunyan, "was to light upon a wife whose +father and mother were accounted godly. This woman and I, though we came +together as poor as poor might be (not having so much household stuff as +a dish or a spoon betwixt us both), yet she had for her part 'The Plain +Man's Pathway to Heaven' and 'The Practice of Piety,' which her father +had left her when he died." By reading these and other good books, +helped by the kindly influence of his wife, Bunyan was gradually +reclaimed from his evil ways, and led gently into the way of +righteousness. + +Nor does this companionship of good wives, which enables men to gain "in +sweetness and in moral height," cause them in the least degree to lose +"the wrestling thews which throw the world." Quite the reverse. Weak men +have displayed real public virtue, and strong men have been made +stronger, because they had by their side a woman of noble character, who +exercised a fortifying influence on their conduct. Lady Rachel Russell +is one of the many celebrated women who have encouraged their husbands +to suffer and be strong. She sat beside her husband day after day during +his public trial, taking notes and doing everything to help him. + +In the sixth year of his marriage Baxter was brought before the +magistrates for holding a conventicle, and was sentenced to be confined +in Clerkenwell Gaol. There he was joined by his wife, who +affectionately nursed him during his imprisonment. "She was never so +cheerful a companion to me," he says, "as in prison, and was very much +against me seeking to be released." + +There is a sort of would-be wit which consists in jesting at the +supposed bondage of the married state. The best answer to this plentiful +lack of wit is the fact that some of the best of men have kissed the +shackles which a wife imposes, and have either thought or said, "If this +be slavery, who'd be free?" Luther, speaking of his wife, said, "I would +not exchange my poverty with her for all the riches of Croesus without +her." In more recent times the French statesman, M. Guizot, says in his +"Mémoires": "What I know to-day, at the end of my race, I have felt when +it began, and during its continuance. Even in the midst of great +undertakings domestic affections form the basis of life, and the most +brilliant career has only superficial and incomplete enjoyments if a +stranger to the happy ties of family and friendship." Not long ago, when +speaking of his wife, Prince Bismarck said, "She it is who has made me +what I am." + +And there have been English statesmen who could say quite as much. Burke +was sustained amid the anxiety and agitation of public life by domestic +felicity. "Every care vanishes," he said, "the moment I enter under my +own roof!" Of his wife he said that she was "not made to be the +admiration of everybody, but the happiness of one." A writer in a recent +number of _Leisure Hour_ relates the following of Lord Beaconsfield: +"The grateful affection which he entertained for his wife, whom he +always esteemed as the founder of his fortunes, is well known. She was +in the habit of travelling with him on almost all occasions. A friend +of the earl and of the narrator of the incident was dining with him, +when one of the party--a Member of the House for many years, of a noble +family, but rather remarkable for raising a laugh at his buffoonery than +any admiration for his wisdom--had no better taste or grace than to +expostulate with Disraeli for always taking the viscountess with him. 'I +cannot understand it,' said the graceless man, 'for, you know, you make +yourself a perfect laughing-stock wherever your wife goes with you.' +Disraeli fixed his eyes upon him very expressively and said, 'I don't +suppose you can understand it, B.--I don't suppose you can understand +it, for no one could ever in the last and wildest excursions of an +insane imagination suppose you to be guilty of gratitude!'" + +It is true that there have been memorable celibates, but in the main the +world's work has been done by the married. Fame and reward are powerful +incentives, but they bear no comparison to the influence exercised by +affection. + +A man's wife and family often compel him to do his best; and, when on +the point of despairing, they force him to fight like a hero, not for +himself, but for them. Curran confessed that when he addressed a court +for the first time, if he had not felt his wife and children tugging at +his gown, he would have thrown up his brief and relinquished the +profession of a lawyer. + +"It is often the case when you see a great man, like a ship, sailing +proudly along the current of renown, that there is a little tug--his +wife--whom you cannot see, but who is directing his movements and +supplying the motive power." This truth is well illustrated by the +anecdote told of Lord Eldon, who, when he had received the Great Seal at +the hands of the king, being about to retire, was addressed by his +majesty with the words, "Give my remembrance to Lady Eldon." The +Chancellor, in acknowledging the condescension, intimated his ignorance +of Lady Eldon's claim to such a notice. "Yes, yes," the king answered; +"I know how much I owe to Lady Eldon. I know that you would have made +yourself a country curate, and that she has made you my Lord +Chancellor." Sir Walter Scott and Daniel O'Connell, at a late period of +their lives, ascribed their success in the world principally to their +wives. + +When Sir Joshua Reynolds--himself a bachelor--met the sculptor Flaxman +shortly after his marriage, he said to him, "So, Flaxman, I am told you +are married; if so, sir, I tell you you are ruined for an artist." +Flaxman went home, sat down beside his wife, took her hand in his, and +said, "Ann, I am ruined for an artist." "How so, John? How has it +happened? and who has done it?" "It happened," he replied, "in the +church, and Ann Denman has done it." He then told her of Sir Joshua's +remark--whose opinion was well known, and had often been expressed, that +if students would excel they must bring the whole powers of their mind +to bear upon their art, from the moment they rose until they went to +bed; and also, that no man could be a _great_ artist unless he studied +the grand works of Raphael, Michael Angelo, and others, at Rome and +Florence. "And I," said Flaxman, drawing up his little figure to its +full height, "_I_ would be a great artist." "And a great artist you +shall be," said his wife, "and visit Rome, too, if that be really +necessary to make you great." "But how?" asked Flaxman. "_Work and +economize_," rejoined the brave wife; "I will never have it said that +Ann Denman ruined John Flaxman for an artist." And so it was determined +by the pair that the journey to Rome was to be made when their means +would admit. "I will go to Rome," said Flaxman, "and show the President +that wedlock is for a man's good rather than his harm; and you, Ann, +shall accompany me." + +After working for five years, aided by the untiring economy of his wife, +Flaxman actually did accomplish his journey. On returning from Rome, +where he spent seven years, conscious of his indebtedness to his wife, +he devised an original gift as a memorial of his domestic happiness. He +caused a little quarto book to be made, containing some score or so of +leaves, and with pen and pencil proceeded to fill and embellish it. On +the first page is drawn a dove with an olive branch in her mouth; an +angel is on the right and an angel on the left, and between is written, +"To Ann Flaxman"; below, two hands are clasped as at an altar, two +cherubs bear a garland, and there follows an inscription to his wife +introducing the subject. Instead of finding his genius maimed by his +alliance with Ann Denman, this eminent sculptor was ever ready to +acknowledge that his subsequent success was in a great part +marriage-made. + +It was through the eyes of his wife that Huber, the great authority on +bees, who was blind from his seventeenth year, conducted his +observations and studies. He even went so far as to declare that he +should be miserable were he to regain his eyesight. "I should not know," +he said, "to what extent a person in my situation could be beloved; +besides, to me my wife is always young, fresh, and pretty, which is no +light matter." + +Sir William Hamilton of Edinburgh found his wife scarcely less helpful, +especially after he had been stricken by paralysis through overwork. +When he was elected Professor of Logic and Metaphysics, and had no +lectures on stock, his wife sat up with him night after night to write +out a fair copy of the lectures from the rough sheets which he had +drafted in the adjoining room. "The number of pages in her handwriting +still preserved is," says Sir William's biographer, "perfectly +marvellous." + +Equally effective as a literary helper was Lady Napier, the wife of Sir +William Napier, historian of the Peninsular War. She translated and +epitomized the immense mass of original documents, many of them in +cipher, on which it was in a great measure founded. When Wellington was +told of the art and industry she had displayed in deciphering King +Joseph's portfolios, and the immense mass of correspondence taken at +Vittoria, he at first would hardly believe it, adding: "I would have +given £20,000 to any person who could have done this for me in the +Peninsula." Sir William Napier's handwriting being almost illegible, +Lady Napier made out his rough interlined manuscript, which he himself +could scarcely read, and wrote out a fair copy for the printer; and all +this vast labour she undertook and accomplished, according to the +testimony of her husband, without having for a moment neglected the care +and education of a large family. + +The help and consolation that Hood received from his wife during a life +that was a prolonged illness is one of the most affecting things in +biography. He had such confidence in her judgment that he read and +re-read and corrected with her assistance all that he wrote. He used to +trust to her ready memory for references and quotations. Many wives +deserve, but few receive, such an I.O.U. as that which the grateful +humorist gave to his wife in one of his letters when absent from her +side. "I never was anything, Dearest, till I knew you, and I have been a +better, happier, and more prosperous man ever since. Lay by that truth +in lavender, Sweetest, and remind me of it when I fail. I am writing +warmly and fondly, but not without good cause.... Perhaps there is an +afterthought that, whatever may befall me, the wife of my bosom will +have the acknowledgment of her tenderness, worth, excellence--all that +is wifely or womanly--from my pen." + +Mr. Froude says of Carlyle's wife that "her hardest work was a delight +to her when she could spare her husband's mind an anxiety or his stomach +an indigestion. While he was absorbed in his work and extremely +irritable as to every ailment or discomfort, her life was devoted to +shield him in every possible way." In the inscription upon her tombstone +Carlyle bore testimony that he owed to his wife a debt immense of +gratitude. "In her bright existence she had more sorrows than are +common, but also a soft invincibility, a capacity of discernment, and a +noble loyalty of heart which are rare. For forty years she was the true +and loving helpmate of her husband, and by act and word unweariedly +forwarded him as none else could in all of worthy that he did or +attempted. She died at London, April 21st, 1866, suddenly snatched away +from him, and the light of his life as if gone out." + +What an influence women have exercised upon teachers of religion and +philosophy! When no one else would encourage Mahomet, his wife Kadijah +listened to him with wonder, with doubt. At length she answered: "Yes, +it was true this that he said." We can fancy, as does Carlyle, the +boundless gratitude of Mahomet, and how, of all the kindnesses she had +done him, this of believing the earnest struggling word he now spoke was +the greatest. "It is certain," says Novalis, "my conviction gains +infinitely the moment another soul will believe in it." It is a +boundless favour. He never forgot this good Kadijah. Long afterwards, +Ayesha, his young favourite wife, a woman who indeed distinguished +herself among the Moslem by all manner of qualities, through her whole +long life, this young brilliant Ayesha was one day questioning him: "Now +am I not better than Kadijah? she was a widow; old, and had lost her +looks: you love me better than you did her?" "No, by Allah!" answered +Mahomet: "No, by Allah! She believed in me when none else would believe. +In the whole world I had but one friend, and she was that!" + +It will suffice to hint at the scientific value of the little that has +been disclosed respecting Madame Clothilde de Vaux in elucidating the +position of Auguste Comte as a teacher. Some may think that John Stuart +Mill first taught his wife and then admired his own wisdom in her. His +own account of the matter is very different, as we learn from the +dedication of his essay "On Liberty": + +"To the beloved and deplored memory of her who was the inspirer, and in +part the author, of all that is best in my writings--the friend and wife +whose exalted sense of truth and right was my strongest incitement, and +whose approbation was my chief reward--I dedicate this volume. Like all +that I have written for many years, it belongs as much to her as to me; +but the work as it stands has had, in a very insufficient degree, the +inestimable advantage of her revision; some of the most important +portions having been reserved for a more careful re-examination, which +they are now never destined to receive. Were I but capable of +interpreting to the world one-half the great thoughts and noble feelings +which are buried in her grave, I should be the medium of a greater +benefit to it than is ever likely to arise from anything that I can +write, unprompted and unassisted by her all but unrivalled wisdom." + +In a speech upon woman's rights, a lady orator is said to have +exclaimed, "It is well known that Solomon owed his wisdom to the number +of his wives!" This is too much; nevertheless, Sir Samuel Romilly gave +the experience of many successful men when he said that there was +nothing by which through life he had more profited than by the just +observations and the good opinion of his wife. + +Most people are acquainted with husbands who have lost almost all +self-reliance and self-help because their wives have been only too +helpful to them. Trollope and George Eliot faithfully portrayed real +life in their stories when they put the reins into the hands of good +wives and made them drive the domestic coach, to the immense advantage +and comfort of the husbands, who never suspected the real state of the +case. No man has so thoroughly as Trollope brought into literature the +idea which women have of men--creatures that have to be looked after as +grown-up little boys; interesting, piquant, indispensable, but +shiftless, headstrong, and at bottom absurd. + +But this consciousness which good wives have of the helplessness of +husbands renders them all the more valuable in their eyes. Before +Weinsberg surrendered to its besiegers, the women of the place asked +permission of the captors to remove their valuables. The permission was +granted, and shortly after the women were seen issuing from the gates +carrying their husbands on their shoulders. Indeed it would be +impossible to relate a tenth part of the many ways in which good wives +have shown affection for and actively assisted their wedded lords. +Knowing this to be the case, we were not surprised to read some time +since the following piece of Irish news: "An inquiry was held at +Mullingar on Wednesday respecting Mr. H. Smythe's claim of £10,000 as +compensation for the loss of his wife, who was shot whilst returning +from church. The claim was made under the nineteenth section of the +Crime Preservation Act, Ireland." The result of the inquiry we do not +know, but for ourselves we think that £10,000 would barely compensate +for the loss of a really good article in wives. + +Some one told an old bachelor that a friend had gone blind. "Let him +marry, then," was the crusty reply; "let him marry, and if that doesn't +open his eyes, then his case is indeed hopeless." But this, we must +remember, was not the experience of a married man. + +A friend was talking to Wordsworth of De Quincey's articles about him. +Wordsworth begged him to stop; he hadn't read them, and did not wish to +ruffle himself about them. "Well," said the friend, "I'll tell you only +one thing he says, and then we'll talk of other things. He says your +wife is too good for you." The old poet's dim eyes lighted up, and he +started from his chair, crying with enthusiasm, "And that's true! There +he's right!" his disgust and contempt visibly moderating. Many a man +whose faith in womankind was weak before marriage can a few years +afterwards sympathize most fully with this pathetic confession of the +old poet. + +A Scotch dealer, when exhorting his son to practise honesty on the +ground of its being the "best policy," quietly added, "I hae tried +_baith_." So is it in reference to matrimony and celibacy. The majority +of those who have "tried baith" are of opinion that the former is the +best policy. + +It would be absurd to assert that the marriage state is free from care +and anxiety; but what of that? Is not care and trouble the condition of +any and every state of life? He that will avoid trouble must avoid the +world. "Marriage," says Dr. Johnson, "is not commonly unhappy, but as +life is unhappy." And the summing up, so to speak, of this great +authority is well known--"Marriage has many pains, but celibacy no +pleasures." + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE CHOICE OF A WIFE. + + "Go, draw aside the curtains, and discover + The several caskets to this noble prince:-- + Now make your choice."--_Shakespeare._ + + "If, as Plutarch adviseth, one must eat _modium salis_, a bushel + of salt, with him before he choose his friend, what care should + be had in choosing a wife--his second self! How solicitous should + he be to know her qualities and behaviour! and, when he is + assured of them, not to prefer birth, fortune, beauty, before + bringing up and good conditions."--_Robert Burton._ + + +Whether a man shall be made or marred by marriage greatly depends upon +the choice he makes of a wife. Nothing is better than a good woman, nor +anything worse than a bad one. The idea of the great electrician +Edison's marrying was first suggested by an intimate friend, who made +the point that he needed a mistress to preside over his large house, +which was being managed by a housekeeper and several servants. Although +a very shy man, he seemed pleased with the proposition, and timidly +inquired whom he should marry The friend somewhat testily replied, "Any +one;" that a man who had so little sentiment in his soul as to ask such +a question ought to be satisfied with anything that wore a petticoat and +was decent. + +Woe to the man who follows such careless advice as this, and marries +"any one," for what was said by the fox to the sick lion might be said +with equal truth to Hymen: "I notice that there are many prints of feet +entering your cave, but I see no trace of any returning." Before taking +the irrevocable step choose well, for your choice though brief is yet +endless. And, first, we make the obvious suggestion that it is useless +to seek perfection in a wife, even though you may fancy yourself capable +of giving an adequate return as did the author of the following +advertisement: "Wanted by a Young Gentleman just beginning Housekeeping, +a Lady between Eighteen and Twenty-five Years of Age, with a good +Education, and a Fortune not less than Five Thousand Pounds; Sound Wind +and Limb, Five Feet Four Inches without her shoes; Not Fat, nor yet too +lean; Good Set of Teeth; No Pride nor Affectation; Not very Talkative, +nor one that is deemed a Scold; but of a Spirit to Resent an Affront; of +a Charitable Disposition; not Over-fond of Dress, though always Decent +and Clean; that will Entertain her Husband's Friends with Affability and +Cheerfulness, and Prefer his Company to Public Diversions and gadding +about; one who can keep his secrets, that he may open his Heart to her +without reserve on all Occasions; that can extend domestic Expenses with +Economy, as Prosperity advances, without Ostentation; and Retrench them +with Cheerfulness, if occasion should require. Any Lady disposed to +Matrimony, answering this Description, is desired to direct for Y. Z., +at the Baptist's Head Coffee-house, Aldermanbury. _N.B._--The Gentleman +can make adequate Return, and is, in every Respect, deserving a Lady +with the above Qualifications." + +This reminds us of the old lady who told her steward she wished him to +attend a neighbouring fair in order to buy her a cow. She explained to +him that it must be young, well-bred, fine in the skin, a strawberry in +colour, straight in the back, and not given to breaking through fences +when it smelt clover on the other side; above all, it was not to cost +more than ten pounds. The steward, who was a Scotchman, and a privileged +old servant, bowed his head and replied reverently, "Then, my lady, I +think ye had better kneel down and pray for her, for ye'll get her nae +other way, I'm thinkin'." + +While the possession of a little money is by no means a drawback, those +do not well consult their happiness who marry for money alone. + + "In many a marriage made for gold, + The bride is bought--and the bridegroom sold." + +Though Cupid is said to be blind, he is a better guide than the rules of +arithmetic. We have false ideas of happiness. What will make me +happy--contented? "Oh, if I were rich, I should be happy!" A gentleman +who was enjoying the hospitalities of the great millionaire and king of +finance, Rothschild, as he looked at the superb appointments of the +mansion, said to his host, "You must be a happy man!" "Happy!" said he, +"happy! I happy--happy!" "Aye, happy!" "Let us change the subject." John +Jacob Astor of America, was also told that he must be a very happy man, +being so rich. "Why," said he, "would you take care of my property for +your board and clothes? That's all I get for it." In taking a dowry with +a wife "thou losest thy liberty," says an old writer: "she will ride +upon thee, domineer as she list, wear the breeches in her oligarchical +government, and beggar thee besides." + +Better to have a fortune _in_ your wife than _with_ her. "My wife has +made my fortune," said a gentleman of great possessions, "by her thrift, +prudence, and cheerfulness, when I was just beginning." "And mine has +lost my fortune," answered his companion, bitterly, "by useless +extravagance, and repining when I was doing well." The girl who brings +to her husband a large dowry may also bring habits of luxury learned in +a rich home. She may be almost as incapable of understanding straitened +circumstances as was the lady of the court of Louis XVI., who, on +hearing of people starving, exclaimed, "Poor creatures! No bread to eat! +Then let them eat cakes!" + +Nor is it wise to marry for beauty alone: as even the finest landscape, +seen daily, becomes monotonous, so does the most beautiful face, unless +a beautiful nature shine through it. The beauty of to-day becomes +commonplace to-morrow; whereas goodness, displayed through the most +ordinary features, is perennially lovely. Moreover, this kind of beauty +improves with age, and time ripens rather than destroys it. No man is so +much to be pitied as the husband of a "professional beauty." Yet beauty, +when it betokens health, or when it is the outward and visible sign of +an inward and spiritual grace, is valuable, and has a great power of +winning affection. + +Above all things do not marry a fool who will shame you and reveal your +secrets. For ourselves we do not believe the first part at least of +Archbishop Whately's definition of woman: "A creature that does not +reason, and that pokes the fire from the top." The wife who does not and +cannot make use of reason to overcome the daily difficulties of domestic +life, and who can in no sense be called the companion of her husband, is +a mate who hinders rather than helps. Sooner or later a household must +fall into the hands of its women, and sink or swim according to their +capacities. It is hard enough for a man to be married to a bad woman; +but for a man who marries a foolish woman there is no hope. + +"One must love their friends with all their failings, but it is a great +failing to be ill," and therefore unless you are one of those rare men +who would never lose patience with a wife always in pain, when choosing +you should think more of a healthy hue than of a hectic hue, and far +more of good lungs than of a tightly-laced waist "See that she chews her +food well, and sets her foot down firmly on the ground when she walks, +and you're all right." + +As regards the marriageable age of women we may quote the following +little conversation: "No woman is worth looking at after thirty," said +young Mrs. A., a bride with all the arrogant youthfulness of twenty-one +summers. "Quite true, my dear," answered Lady D., a very pretty woman +some ten or fifteen years older; "nor worth listening to before." + +Please yourself, good sir! only do not marry either a child or an old +woman. Certainly a man should marry to obtain a friend and companion +rather than a cook and housekeeper; but yet that girl is a prize indeed +who has so well prepared herself for the business of wifehood as to be +able to keep not only her husband company, but her house in good order. +"If that man is to be regarded as a benefactor of his species who makes +two stalks of corn to grow where only one grew before, not less is she +to be regarded as a public benefactor who economizes and turns to the +best practical account the food products of human skill and labour." + +Formerly a woman's library was limited to the Bible and a cookery-book. +This curriculum has now been considerably extended, and it is everywhere +acknowledged that "chemistry enough to keep the pot boiling, and +geography enough to know the different rooms in her house," is _not_ +science enough for women. It is surely not impossible, however, for an +intending husband to find a girl who can make her higher education +compatible with his comforts, who can when necessary bring her +philosophy down to the kitchen. Why should literature unfit women for +the everyday business of life? It is not so with men. You see those of +the most cultivated minds constantly devoting their time and attention +to the most homely objects. + +The other day, speaking superficially and uncharitably, a person said of +a woman, whom he knew but slightly, "She disappoints me utterly. How +could her husband have married her? She is commonplace and stupid." +"Yes," said a friend, reflectively, "it is strange. She is not a +brilliant woman, she is not even an intellectual one; but there is such +a thing as a genius for affection, and she has it. It has been good for +her husband that he married her." In the sphere of home the graces of +gentleness, of patience, of generosity, are far more valuable than any +personal attractions or mental gifts and accomplishments. They +contribute more to happiness and are the source of sympathy and +spiritual discernment. For does not the woman who can love see more and +understand more than the most intellectual woman who has no heart? + +A vacancy in the floor sweeping department of a public institution +having been advertised, the testimonials to the intellectual and moral +eminence of an old woman were overwhelming; but after the election it +appeared she had only one arm! Not less unfitted to be a wife is the +woman who, with every other qualification, has no genius for affection. + +Dress is one of the little things that indicate character. A refined +woman will always look neat; but, on the other hand, she will not +bedizen and bedeck herself with a view to display. Again, there is no +condition of life in which industry in a wife is not necessary to the +happiness of a family. A lazy mistress makes lazy servants, and, what is +worse, a lazy mother makes lazy children. + +"But how," asks Cobbett, "is the purblind lover to ascertain whether +she, whose smiles have bereft him of his senses--how is he to judge +whether the beloved object will be industrious or lazy?" In answer to +this question several outward and visible signs are suggested, such as +early rising, a lively, distinct utterance, a quick step, "the labours +of the teeth; for these correspond with those of the other members of +the body, and with the operations of the mind." + +Then we are told of a young man in Philadelphia, who, courting one of +three sisters, happened to be on a visit to her, when all the three were +present, and when one said to the others, "I _wonder_ where _our_ needle +is." Upon which he withdrew, as soon as was consistent with politeness, +resolved never to think more of a girl who possessed a needle only in +partnership, and who, it appeared, was not too well informed as to the +place where even that share was deposited. + +It would be impossible even to allude to every point of character that +should be observed in choosing a wife. Frugality, or the power to +abstain from unnecessary expenditure, is very important, so is +punctuality. As to good temper, it is a most difficult thing to +ascertain beforehand; smiles are so easily put on for the _lover's_ +visits. We know the old conundrum--why are ladies like bells? Because +you never know what metal they are made of until you _ring_ them. An +ingenuous girl thus alluded to the change that is frequently perceptible +after marriage. "Your future husband seems very exacting: he has been +stipulating for all sorts of things," said her mother to her. "Never +mind, Mamma," said the affectionate girl, who was already dressed for +the wedding; "these are his last wishes." + +There is, however, one way of roughly guessing the qualifications of a +girl for the most responsible position of a wife. Find out the character +of her mother, and whether the daughter has been a good one and a good +sister. Ask yourself, if you respect as well as admire her, and remember +the words of Fichte: "No true and enduring love can exist without +esteem; every other draws regret after it, and is unworthy of any noble +soul." + +Thackeray said of women: "What we (men) want for the most part is a +humble, flattering, smiling, child-loving, tea-making being, who laughs +at our jokes however old they may be, coaxes and wheedles us in our +humours, and fondly lies to us through life." And he says of a wife: +"She ought to be able to make your house pleasant to your friends; she +ought to attract them to it by her grace. Let it be said of her, 'What +an uncommonly nice woman Mrs. Brown is!' Let her be, if not clever, an +appreciator of cleverness. Above all, let her have a sense of humour, +for a woman without a laugh in her is the greatest bore in existence." +It is, we think, only very weak men who would wish their wives to +"fondly lie" to them in this way. Better to be occasionally wound up +like an eight-day clock by one's wife and made to go right. There is no +one who gives such wise and brave advice as a good wife. She is another, +a calmer and a better self. The heart of her husband doth safely trust +in her, for he knows that when her criticism is most severe it is spoken +in love and for his own good. Lord Beaconsfield described his wife as +"the most severe of critics, but a perfect wife." + +Burns the poet, in speaking of the qualities of a good wife, divided +them into ten parts. Four of these he gave to good temper, two to good +sense, one to wit, one to beauty--such as a sweet face, eloquent eyes, a +fine person, a graceful carriage; and the other two parts he divided +amongst the other qualities belonging to or attending on a wife--such as +fortune, connections, education (that is, of a higher standard than +ordinary), family blood, &c.; but he said, "Divide those two degrees as +you please, only remember that all these minor proportions must be +expressed by fractions, for there is not any one of them that is +entitled to the dignity of an integer." + +Let us add the famous advice given by Lord Burleigh to his son: "When it +shall please God," said he, "to bring thee to man's estate, use great +providence and circumspection in choosing thy wife, for from thence will +spring all thy future good or evil. And it is an action of thy life, +like unto a stratagem of war, wherein a man can err but once.... Inquire +diligently of her disposition, and how her parents have been inclined in +their youth. Let her not be poor, how generous (well-born) soever; for a +man can buy nothing in the market with gentility. Nor choose a base and +uncomely creature altogether for wealth, for it will cause contempt in +others, and loathing in thee. Neither make choice of a dwarf or a fool, +for by the one thou shalt beget a race of pigmies, while the other will +be thy continual disgrace, and it will yirke (irk) thee to hear her +talk. For thou shalt find it to thy great grief that there is nothing +more fulsome than a she-fool." + +The ideal wife is either what Crashaw calls an "impossible she," or-- + + "Somewhere in the world must be + She that I have prayed to see, + She that Love assigns to me." + +But then-- + + "Shall we ever, ever meet? + Shall I find in thee, my sweet, + Visions true and life complete?" + +To the old question, "Who can _find_?" it may too often be replied, Who +_seeks_ "a virtuous woman"? Is she wealthy? is she pretty? is she +talented? are questions asked more frequently than Is she good, +sensible, industrious, affectionate? And yet that man takes to himself +one of the bitterest of earth's curses who marries carelessly instead of +seeking with all diligence for those qualities in a wife that are the +foundation of lasting happiness. + +A minister's wife falling asleep in church, her husband thus addressed +her: "Mrs. B., a' body kens that when I got ye for my wife I got nae +beauty; yer frien's ken that I got nae siller; and if I dinna get God's +grace I shall hae a puir bargain indeed." If men would seek for wives +women with the grace of God, if they would choose them as they do their +clothes, for qualities that will last, they would get much better +bargains. + +One reason for this carelessness about the character of a wife may be +found in the prevailing opinion that there is little or no room for +choice in matters matrimonial. Sir John More (father of the Chancellor, +Sir Thomas) was often heard to say, "I would compare the multitude of +women which are to be chosen for wives unto a bag full of snakes, having +among them a single eel. Now, if a man should put his hand into this +bag, he may chance to light on the eel; but it is a hundred to one he +shall be stung by a snake." + +Perhaps the lottery theory of marriage was never stated more strongly or +with greater cynicism; but is it true? If it were, to expend care and +attention in choosing a wife would be to labour in vain. If, however, +marriage is by no means such an affair of chance, a prudent choice may +prevent a man from being stung by a snake, and may give him a goodly eel +as his marriage portion. The important thing to do is to keep well in +mind the fact that a man's prospect of domestic felicity does not +depend upon the face, the fortune, or the accomplishments of his wife, +but upon her character. The son of Sirach says that he would rather +dwell with a lion and a dragon than to keep house with a wicked woman. +"He that hath hold of her is as though he held a scorpion. A loud crying +woman and a scold shall be sought out to drive away the enemies." On the +other hand, "the grace of a wife delighteth her husband, and her +discretion will fatten his bones. A silent and loving woman is a gift of +the Lord; and there is nothing so much worth as a mind well instructed." + + + + +CHAPTER V + +THE CHOICE OF A HUSBAND. + + "How shall I know if I do choose the right?"--_Shakespeare._ + + "God, the best maker of marriages, bless you!"--_Ibid._ + + "And while thou livest, dear Kate, take a fellow of plain and + uncoined constancy; for he perforce must do thee right, because + he hath not the gift to woo in other places; for these fellows of + infinite tongue, that can rhyme themselves into ladies' favours, + they do always reason themselves out again. What! a speaker is + but a prater; a rhyme is but a ballad. A good leg will fall; a + straight back will stoop; a black beard will turn white; a curled + pate will grow bald; a fair face will wither; a full eye will wax + hollow; but a good heart, Kate, is the sun and the moon; or, + rather, the sun, and not the moon; for it shines bright, and + never changes, but keeps his course truly."--_Ibid._ + + +They that enter into the state of marriage cast a die of the greatest +contingency, and yet of the greatest interest in the world, next to the +last throw for eternity. Life or death, felicity or a lasting sorrow, +are in the power of marriage. A woman, indeed, ventures most, for she +hath no sanctuary to retire to from an evil husband; she must dwell +upon her sorrow and hatch the eggs which her own folly or infelicity +hath produced; and she is more under it, because her tormentor hath a +warrant of prerogative, and the woman may complain to God, as subjects +do of tyrant princes; but otherwise she hath no appeal in the causes of +unkindness. And though the man can run from many hours of his sadness, +yet he must return to it again; and when he sits among his neighbours he +remembers the objection that is in his bosom, and he sighs deeply. "The +boys and the pedlars and the fruiterers shall tell of this man when he +is carried to his grave that he lived and died a poor, wretched person." + +In these words Jeremy Taylor puts before men and women the issues of +choice in matrimony. What, however, concerns us in this chapter is that +"a woman ventures most." "Love is of man's life a thing apart, 'tis +woman's whole existence." How important that a treasure which is dear as +life itself should be placed in safe keeping! And yet so blind is love +that defects often seem to be virtues, deformity assumes the style of +beauty, and even hideous vices have appeared under an attractive form. + +In Shakespeare's play Cleopatra speaks of an old attachment which she +had lived to despise as having arisen in her "salad days," when she was +green in judgment. In extreme youth love is especially blind, and for +this, as well as for other reasons, girls, who are yet at school, do not +consult their best interests when they allow love to occupy their too +youthful minds. It prevents the enjoyment of happy years of maidenhood, +and sometimes leads to marriage before the girl is fit, either +physically, mentally, or domestically, for the cares of married life. + +"I believe," says R. W. Dale, of Birmingham, "in falling in love. The +imagination should be kindled and the heart touched; there should be +enthusiasm and even romance in the happy months that precede marriage, +and something of the enthusiasm and romance should remain to the very +end of life, or else the home is wanting in its perfect happiness and +grace. But take my word for it, solid virtues are indispensable to the +security and happiness of a home." + +You would not like to live with a liar, with a thief, with a drunkard, +for twenty or thirty years. A lazy man will make but a weak band or +support for his and your house; so will one deficient in fortitude--that +is, the power to bear pain and trouble without whining. Beware of the +selfish man, for though he may be drawn out of selfishness in the early +weeks of courtship, he will settle back into it again when the wear and +worry of life come on. And remember that a man may have the roots of +some of these vices in him and yet be extremely agreeable and +good-looking, dress well, and say very pretty and charming things. "How +easy is it for the proper-false in women's waxen hearts to set their +forms!" + +In their haste to be married many women are too easily satisfied with +the characters of men who may offer themselves as husbands. They aim at +matrimony in the abstract; not _the_ man, but any man. They would not +engage a servant if all they knew of her were that she had, as a +housemaid lately advertised, "a fortnight's character from her last +place;" but with even less information as to their characters they will +accept husbands and vow to love, honour, and obey them! In comparison +how much more honourable and how much less unloved and unloving is the +spinster's lot! Women marry simply for a home because they have not been +trained to fight the battle of life for themselves, and because their +lives are so dull and stagnant that they think any change must be for +the better. + +A friend--let us say Barlow--was describing to Jerrold the story of his +courtship and marriage: how his wife had been brought up in a convent, +and was on the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon +her enraptured sight. Jerrold listened to the end of the story, and by +way of comment said, "Ah! she evidently thought Barlow better than nun." +When girls have been given work in the world they do not think that any +husband is better than none, and they have not time to imagine +themselves in love with the first man who proposes. How often is it the +case that people think themselves in love when in fact they are only +idle! + +There are hearts all the better for keeping; they become mellower and +more worth a woman's acceptance than the crude, unripe things that are +sometimes gathered--as children gather green fruit--to the discomfort of +those who obtain them. A husband may be too young to properly appreciate +and take care of a wife. And yet perhaps the majority of girls would +rather be a young man's slave than an old man's darling. "My dear," said +a father to his daughter, "I intend that you should be married, but not +that you should throw yourself away on any wild, worthless boy: you must +marry a man of sober and mature age. What do you think of a fine, +intelligent husband of fifty?" "I think two of twenty-five would be +better, papa." + +Prophecies as to the probable result of a marriage are as a rule little +to be trusted. It was so in the case of the celebrated Madame Necker. +She had been taken to Paris to live with a young widow, to whom +Necker--a financier from Geneva--came to pay his addresses. The story +goes that the widow, in order to rid herself of her admirer, got him to +transfer his addresses to her young companion, saying to herself, "they +will bore each other to death, that will give them something to do." The +happy pair, however, had no such foreboding. "I am marrying a man," +wrote the lady, "whom I should believe to be an angel, if his great love +for me did not show his weakness." In his way the husband was equally +satisfied. "I account myself as happy as it is possible for a man to +be," he wrote to a mutual friend; and to the end of the chapter there +was no flaw in that matrimonial life. + +Never to marry a genius was the advice of Mrs. Carlyle. "I married for +ambition. Carlyle has exceeded all that my wildest hopes ever imagined +of him, and I am miserable." As the supply of geniuses is very limited, +this advice may seem superfluous. It is not so, however, for there is +enough and to spare of men who think that they are geniuses, and take +liberties accordingly. These are very often only sons of fond but +foolish mothers, who have persuaded them that they are not made of +common clay, and that the girls who get them will be blessed. From such +a blessing young women should pray to be delivered. + +Perhaps it may be said that though it is easy to write about choosing a +husband, for the majority of English girls, at least, there is but +little choice in the matter. Dickens certainly told an American +story--very American--of a young lady on a voyage, who, being intensely +loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard and marry the +man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning the five lovers +being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, she plunged +into the sea. Four of the lovers immediately jumped in after her. When +the young lady and four lovers were out again, she said to the captain, +"What am I to do with them now, they are so wet?" "Take the dry one." +And the young lady did, and married him. How different is the state of +affairs on this side of the Atlantic, where, if a young woman is to be +married, she must take not whom she will, but whom she can. "Oh me, the +word choose! I may neither choose whom I would, nor refuse whom I +dislike." But is it necessary to marry? Far better to have no husband +than a bad one. + +There is a great deal of human nature in the account which Artemus Ward +gives of the many affecting ties which made him hanker after Betsy Jane. +"Her father's farm jined our'n; their cows and our'n squencht their +thurst at the same spring; our old mares both had stars in their +forrerds; the measles broke out in both famerlies at nearly the same +period; our parients (Betsy's and mine) slept reglarly every Sunday in +the same meetin-house, and the nabers used to obsarve, 'How thick the +Wards and Peasleys air!' It was a surblime site, in the spring of the +year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) with their gowns +pin'd up so thay couldn't sile 'em affecshunitly bilin sope together and +aboozin the nabers." + +In this matter more than in most others "we do not will according to our +reason, we reason according to our will." True desire, the monition of +nature, is much to be attended to. But always we are to discriminate +carefully between _true_ desire and false. The medical men tell us we +should eat what we _truly_ have an appetite for; but what we only +_falsely_ have an appetite for we should resolutely avoid. Ought not +choice in matrimony to be guided by the same principle? + +Above all things young ladies should ask God, the best maker of +marriages, to direct their choice aright. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +ON MAKING THE BEST OF A BAD MATRIMONIAL BARGAIN. + + "How poor are they who have not patience! + What wound did ever heal, but by degrees?"--_Shakespeare._ + + "E'en now, in passing through the garden walks, + Upon the ground I saw a fallen nest, + Ruined and full of ruin; and over it, + Behold, the uncomplaining birds, already + Busy in building a new habitation."--_Longfellow._ + + +But "the best laid schemes of mice and men gang aft a-gley." We are none +of us infallible, "not even the youngest." When the greatest care has +been taken in choosing, people get bad matrimonial bargains. From the +nature of the case this must often happen. If not one man in a thousand +is a judge of the points of a horse, not one in a million understands +human nature. And even if a young man or woman did understand human +nature, there are before marriage, as a rule, opportunities of gaining +only the slightest knowledge of the character of one who is to be the +weal or woe of a new home. It is related in ancient history, or fable, +that when Rhodope, a fashionable Egyptian beauty, was engaged bathing, +an eagle stole away one of her shoes, and let it fall near Psammetichus +the king. Struck with the pretty shoe, he fell in love with the foot, +and finally married the owner of both. Very little more acquaintance +with each other have the majority of the Innocents who go abroad into +the unknown country of Matrimony to seek their fortunes or misfortunes. + +And then the temper and manner of people when making love are so +different from what these become afterwards! "One would think the whole +endeavour of both parties during the time of courtship is to hinder +themselves from being known--to disguise their natural temper and real +desires in hypocritical imitation, studied compliance, and continued +affectation. From the time that their love is avowed, neither sees the +other but in a mask; and the cheat is often managed on both sides with +so much art, and discovered afterwards with so much abruptness, that +each has reason to suspect that some transformation has happened on the +wedding-night, and that by a strange imposture, as in the case of Jacob, +one has been courted and another married." + +Our conventional state of society curtails the limits of choice in +matrimony and hinders the natural law of the marriage of the fittest. We +knew a young gentleman living in a London suburb who bore an excellent +character, had sufficient income, and was in every respect marriageable. +He wished to try the experiment of two against the world, but--as he +told the clergyman of his parish--he was in the city all day, and never +had an opportunity of becoming acquainted with a young lady whom he +could ask to be his wife. + +We have heard of the stiff Englishman who would not attempt to save a +fellow-creature from drowning because he had never been introduced to +him. In the same way unmarried ladies are allowed to remain in the +Slough of Despond because the valiant young gentlemen who would rescue +them, though they may be almost, are not altogether in their social set. + +Every one knows Plato's theory about marriage. He taught that men and +women were hemispheres, so to speak, of an original sphere; that +ill-assorted marriages were the result of the wrong hemispheres getting +together; that, if the true halves met, the man became complete, and the +consequence was the "happy-ever-after" of childhood's stories. There is +much truth in this doctrine, that for every man there is _one_ woman +somewhere in the world, and for every woman _one_ man. They seldom meet +in time. If they did, what would become of the sensational novelists? + +But are there not in reality too many artificial obstacles to happy +marriages? Why do the right men and women so seldom meet? Because +mammon, ambition, envy, hatred, and all uncharitableness step between +and keep apart those whom God would join together. + +It is true that newly-married people when going through the process of +being disillusioned are liable to conclude much too quickly that they +have got bad matrimonial bargains. In a letter which Mrs. Thrale, the +friend of Dr. Johnson, wrote to a young gentleman on his marriage, she +says: "When your present violence of passion subsides, and a more cool +and tranquil affection takes its place, be not hasty to censure +yourself as indifferent, or to lament yourself as unhappy. You have lost +that only which it was impossible to retain; and it were graceless amid +the pleasures of a prosperous summer to regret the blossoms of a +transient spring. Neither unwarily condemn your bride's insipidity, till +you have reflected that no object however sublime, no sounds however +charming, can continue to transport us with delight, when they no longer +strike us with novelty." + +Satiety follows quickly upon the heels of possession. A little boy of +four years of age told me the other day that he wished to die. "Why?" +"Oh, just for a change!" There are children of a larger growth who +require continual change and variety to keep them interested. + +We expect too much from life in general, and from married life in +particular. When castle-building before marriage we imagine a condition +never experienced on this side of heaven; and when real life comes with +its troubles and cares, the tower of romance falls with a crash, leaving +us in the mud-hut of every-day reality. Better to enter the marriage +state in the frame of mind of that company of American settlers, who, in +naming their new town, called it Dictionary, "because," as they said, +"that's the only place where peace, prosperity, and happiness are always +to be found." + +It would be contrary to the nature of constitutional grumblers to be +satisfied with their matrimonial bargains, no matter how much too good +for them they may be. They don't want to be satisfied in this or in any +other respect, for, as the Irishman said, they are never happy unless +they are miserable. They may have drawn a prize in the matrimonial +lottery, but they grumble if it be not the highest prize. They are +cursed with dispositions like that of the Jew, who, very early one +morning, picked up a roll of bank-notes on Newmarket Heath, which had +been dropped by some inebriated betting-man the night before. "What have +you got there?" exclaimed a fellow Israelite. "Lucky as usual!" "Lucky +you call it?" grumbled the man in reply, rapidly turning over the notes. +"Lucky is it! all fivers--not a tenner among them!" + +Even a perfect matrimonial bargain would not please some people. They +are as prone to grumble as the poor woman who, being asked if she were +satisfied when a pure water supply had been introduced into Edinburgh, +said: "Aye, not so well as I might; it's not like the water we had +before--it neither smells nor tastes." + +There is a story told of a rustic swain who, when asked whether he would +take his partner to be his wedded wife, replied, with shameful +indecision, "Yes, I'm willin'; but I'd a much sight rather have her +sister." The sort of people who are represented by this vacillating +bridegroom are no sooner married than they begin to cast fond, lingering +looks behind upon the state of single blessedness they have abandoned, +or else upon some lost ideal which they prefer to the living, breathing +reality of which they have become possessed. They don't know, and never +did know, their own minds. + +Let us suppose, however, that a bad matrimonial bargain has been +obtained, not in imagination, but in sad earnest--How is the best to be +made of it? We must do as Old Mother Hubbard did when she found the +cupboard empty--"accept the inevitable with calm steadfastness." It may +even be politic to dissemble a little, and pretend we rather enjoy it +than otherwise. Above all, do not appeal to the girl's friends for +comfort or consolation. They will only laugh at you. Take warning from +the unfortunate young man who, every time he met the father of his wife, +complained to him of the bad temper and disposition of his daughter. At +last, upon one occasion, the old gentleman, becoming weary of the +grumbling of his son-in-law, exclaimed: "You are right, sir; she is an +impertinent jade; and if I hear any more complaints of her I will +disinherit her." + +A writer in _Chambers' Journal_ gives some instances of matrimonial +tribulation that were brought to light in the last census returns. +Several husbands returned their wives as the heads of the families; and +one described himself as an idiot for having married his literal +better-half. "Married, and I'm heartily sorry for it," was returned in +two cases; and in quite a number of instances "Temper" was entered under +the head of infirmities opposite the name of the wife. + +Confessions of this sort, besides being, as we have already hinted, +somewhat indiscreet, are often also supererogatory; for conjugal +dissension, like murder, will out; and that sometimes in the most +provoking and untimely manner. It would be much better to call in the +assistance of proper pride than to whine in this cowardly fashion. "We +mortals," says George Eliot, "men and women, devour many a +disappointment between breakfast and dinner time; keep back the tears +and look a little pale about the lips, and in answer to inquiries say, +'Oh, nothing!' Pride helps us; and pride is not a bad thing when it only +urges us to hide our own hurts--not to hurt others." "To feel the +chains, but take especial care the world shall not hear them clank. 'Tis +a prudence that often passes for happiness. It is one of the decencies +of matrimony." + +"Biddy," said Dean Swift one day to his cook, "this leg of mutton is +over-done; take it down and do it less." "Plaze, your Riverence," +replied Biddy, "the thing is impossible." "Well, then," rejoined her +master, "let this be a lesson to you, that if you must commit mistakes +they, at all events, shall not be of such gravity as to preclude +correction." Well would it be if people never made mistakes that +preclude correction in reference to more important matters! Yet, for all +this, it is a good thing that we have no "fatal facility" of divorce in +this country, and that a marriage once made is generally regarded as a +world-without-end bargain. + +A story has been told of a graceless scamp who gained access to the +Clarendon printing-office in Oxford, when a new edition of the +Prayer-book was ready for the press. In that part of the "forme" already +set up which contained the marriage service, he substituted the letter +_k_ for the letter _v_ in the word live; and thus the vow "to love, +honour, comfort, &c., so long as ye both shall live," was made to read +"so long as ye both shall like!" The change was not discovered until the +whole of the edition was printed off. If the sheets are still preserved +it would be a good speculation to send them to some of the States in +America, where people are "exceedingly divorced." May they long remain +useless in Great Britain! For nothing is more dangerous than to unite +two persons so closely in all their interests and concerns as man and +wife, without rendering the union entire and total. + +In that very interesting Bible story of Nabal and Abigail, a noble woman +is seen making the best of an extremely bad matrimonial bargain. If her +marriage with Nabal, who was a churlish, ill-tempered, drunken fool, was +one of the worst possible, does not her conduct teach the lesson that +something may be done to mitigate the miseries of even the most +frightful state of marriage? Who shall say how many heroines unknown to +fame there are who imitate her? Their husbands are weak-willed, foolish, +idle, extravagant, dissipated, and generally ne'er-do-weel; but instead +of helplessly sitting down to regret their marriage-day, they take the +management of everything into their own hands, and make the best of the +inevitable by patient endurance in well-doing. It is sometimes said that +"any husband is better than none." Perhaps so; in the sense of his being +a sort of domestic Attila, a "scourge of God" to "whip the offending +Adam" out of a woman and turn her into an angel, as the wives of some +bad husbands seem to become. + +"I will do anything," says Portia, in the "Merchant of Venice," "ere I +will be married to a sponge;" and in answer to the question--"How like +you the young German, the Duke of Saxony's nephew?" she answers: "Very +vilely in the morning, when he is sober; and most vilely in the +afternoon, when he is drunk: when he is best he is a little worse than a +man; and when he is worst he is little better than a beast: an the worst +fall that ever fell, I hope I shall make shift to go without him." + +When a poor girl has not had Portia's discernment to discover such +faults before marriage, what can she do? She can do her best. + +"What knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband?" +Endeavouring to do this, you will not only have the answer of a good +conscience, but will have taken the best precaution against falling +yourself, so that it never can be truly said of you-- + + "As the husband is, the wife is; thou art mated with a clown, + And the grossness of his nature will have weight to drag thee down." + +It has been said that to have loved and lost--either by that total +disenchantment which leaves compassion as the sole substitute for love +which can exist no more, or by the slow torment which is obliged to let +go day by day all that constitutes the diviner part of love, namely, +reverence, belief, and trust, yet clings desperately to the only thing +left it, a long-suffering apologetic tenderness--this lot is probably +the hardest any woman can have to bear. + + "What is good for a bootless bane?-- + And she made answer, 'Endless sorrow.'" + +This answer should never have been made, for none but the guilty can be +long and completely miserable. The effect and duration of sorrow greatly +depends upon ourselves. "If thou hast a bundle of thorns in thy lot, at +least thou need'st not insist on sitting down on them." Nor must we +forget that there is a "wondrous alchemy in time and the power of God" +to transmute our sorrows, as well as our faults and errors, into golden +blessings. + +It is an old maxim that if one will not, two cannot quarrel. If one of +the heads of a house has a bad temper, there is all the more reason for +the other to be cool and collected, and capable of keeping domestic +peace. Think of Socrates, who, when his wife Zanthippe concluded a fit +of scolding by throwing at him a bucket of water, quietly remarked, +"After the thunder comes the rain." And when she struck him, to some +friends who would have had him strike her again, he replied, that he +would not make them sport, nor that they should stand by and say, "_Eia +Socrates, eia Zanthippe!_" as boys do when dogs fight, animate them more +by clapping hands. + +If we would learn how to make the worst instead of the best of a +matrimonial bargain, Adam, the first husband, will teach us. He allowed +himself to be tempted by Eve, and then like a true coward tried to put +all the blame upon her. This little bit of history repeats itself every +day. "In the state of innocency Adam fell; and what should poor Jack +Falstaff do in the days of villainy?" + +There is another way in which people make the worst instead of the best +of their bad matrimonial bargains. "Faults are thick where love is +thin," and love having become thin they exaggerate the badness of their +bargains. A man, having one well-formed and one crooked leg, was wont to +test the disposition of his friends, by observing which leg they looked +at first or most. Surely the last people we should draw with their worst +leg foremost are our life partners. The best of men are only _men_ at +the best. They are, as Sterne said, "a strange compound of contradictory +qualities; and were the accidental oversights and folly of the wisest +man--the failings and imperfections of a religious man--the hasty acts +and passionate words of a meek man--were they to rise up in judgment +against them, and an ill-natured judge to be suffered to mark in this +manner what has been done amiss, what character so unexceptionable as +to be able to stand before him?" Ought husbands and wives to be +ill-natured judges of what is amiss? + +"Let a man," says Seneca, "consider his own vices, reflect upon his own +follies, and he will see that he has the greatest reason to be angry +with himself." The best advice to give husband and wife is to ask them +to resolve in the words of Shakespeare, "I will chide no breather in the +world but myself, against whom I know most faults." Why beholdest thou +the mote that is in the eye of thy matrimonial bargain, but considerest +not the beam that is in thine own eye? + +When you find yourself complaining of your matrimonial bargain, think +sometimes whether you deserve a better one. What right and title has thy +greedy soul to domestic happiness or to any other kind of happiness? +"Fancy," says Carlyle, "thou deservest to be hanged (as is most likely), +thou wilt feel it happiness to be only shot." We may imagine that we +deserve a perfect matrimonial bargain, but a less partial observer like +Lord Braxfield might make a correction in our estimate. This Scotch +judge once said to an eloquent culprit at the bar, "Ye're a verra clever +chiel, mon, but I'm thinkin' ye wad be nane the waur o' a hangin'." +Equally instructive is the story of a magistrate, who, when a thief +remonstrated, "But, sir, I must live," replied, "I don't recognize the +necessity." It is only when we cease to believe that we must have +supreme domestic and other kinds of felicity, that we are able with a +contented mind to bear our share of the "weary weight of all this +unintelligible world." + +In reference to marriage and to everything else in life, we should +sometimes reflect how much worse off we might be instead of how much +better. Perhaps you are like the man who said, "I must put up with it," +when he had only turkey and plum pudding for dinner. If, as it has often +been said, all men brought their grievances of mind, body, and +estate--their lunacies, epilepsies, cancers, bereavement, beggary, +imprisonment--and laid them on a heap to be equally divided, would you +share alike and take your portion, or be as you are? Without question +you would be as you are. And perhaps if all matrimonial bargains were to +be again distributed, it would be better for you to keep what you have +than to run the chance of getting worse. A man who grumbled at the +badness of his shoes felt ashamed on meeting with one who had no feet. +"Consider the pains which martyrs have endured, and think how even now +many people are bearing afflictions beyond all measure greater than +yours, and say, 'Of a truth my trouble is comfort, my torments are but +roses as compared to those whose life is a continual death, without +solace, or aid, or consolation, borne down with a weight of grief +tenfold greater than mine.'" + + "Oft in life's stillest shade reclining, + In desolation unrepining, + Without a hope on earth to find + A mirror in an answering mind, + Meek souls there are, who little dream + Their daily strife an angel's theme, + Or that the rod they take so calm + Shall prove in Heaven a martyr's palm." + +One of these "meek souls" is reported to have said to a friend, "You +know not the joy of an accepted sorrow." And of every disappointment, we +may truly say that people know not how well it may be borne until they +have tried to bear it. This, which is true of disappointment in general, +is no less true of the disappointments of a married pair. Those who have +not found in marriage all that they fondly, and perhaps over sanguinely, +anticipated, may, after some time, become to a certain extent happy +though married, if they resolve to do their best under the +circumstances. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +MARRIAGE CONSIDERED AS A DISCIPLINE OF CHARACTER. + + "Certainly wife and children are a kind of Discipline of + Humanity."--_Bacon._ + + "I well remember the bright assenting laugh which she (Mrs. + Carlyle) once responded to some words of mine, when the propriety + was being discussed of relaxing the marriage laws. I had said + that the true way to look at marriage was as a discipline of + character."--_Froude._ + + +"Did you ever see anything so absurd as a horse sprawling like that?" +This was the hasty exclamation of a connoisseur on taking up a small +cabinet picture. "Excuse me," replied the owner, "you hold it the wrong +way: it is a horse galloping." So much depends upon the way we look at +things. In the preceding chapter we spoke of making the best of bad +matrimonial bargains. Perhaps it would help some people to do this if +they looked at marriage from a different point of view--if they +considered it as a discipline of character rather than as a short cut +to the highest heaven of happiness. Certainly this is a practical point +of view, and it may be that those who marry in this spirit are more +likely to use their matrimony rightly than those who start with +happiness as their only goal. That people get happiness by being willing +to pass it by and do without it rather than by directly pursuing it, is +as true of domestic felicity as of other kinds. + +"Ven you're a married man, Samivel," says Mr. Weller to his son Sam, +"you'll understand a good many things as you don't understand now; but +vether it's worth while going through so much to learn so little, as the +charity boy said ven he got to the end of the alphabet, is a matter o' +taste: I rayther think it isn't." Strange that a philosopher of the +senior Mr. Weller's profundity should underestimate in this way the +value of matrimony as a teacher. We have it on the authority of a +widower who was thrice married, that his first wife cured his romance, +the second taught him humility, and the third made him a philosopher. +Another veteran believes that five or six years of married life will +often reduce a naturally irascible man to so angelic a condition that it +would hardly be safe to trust him with a pair of wings. + +Webster asks-- + + "What do you think of marriage? + I think, as those do who deny purgatory, + It locally contains either heaven or hell, + There is no third place in it." + +Is this true? We think not, for we know many married people who live in +a third place, the existence of which is here denied. They are neither +intensely happy nor intensely miserable; but they lose many faults, and +are greatly developed in character by passing through a purgatorial +existence. Nor is this an argument against matrimony, except to those +who deny that "it is better to be seven times in the furnace than to +come out unpurified." + +Sweet are the uses of this and every other adversity when these words of +Sir Arthur Helps are applicable to its victims or rather victors: "That +man is very strong and powerful who has no more hopes for himself, who +looks not to be loved any more, to be admired any more, to have any more +honour or dignity, and who cares not for gratitude; but whose sole +thought is for others, and who only lives on for them." + +The young husband may imagine that he only takes a wife to add to his +own felicity; taking no account of the possibility of meeting a +disposition and temper which may, without caution, mar and blight his +own. Women are not angels, although in their ministrations they make a +near approach to them. Women, no more than men, are free from human +infirmities; the newly-married man must therefore calculate upon the +necessity of amendment in his wife as well as of that necessity in +himself. The process, however, as well as the result of the process, +will yield a rich reward. At a minister's festival meeting "Our Wives" +was one of the toasts. One of the brethren, whose wife had a temper of +her own, on being sportively asked if he would drink it, exclaimed, +"Aye, heartily; Mine brings me to my knees in prayer a dizzen times a +day, an' nane o' you can say the same o' yours." + +If even bad matrimonial bargains have so much influence in disciplining +character, how much more may be learned from a happy marriage! Without +it a man or woman is "Scarce half made up." The enjoyments of celibacy, +whatever they may be, are narrow in their range, and belong to only a +portion of our nature; and whatever the excellences of the bachelor's +character, he can never attain to a perfected manhood so long as such a +large and important part of his nature as the affections for the +gratification of which marriage provides, is unexercised and +undeveloped. There are in his nature latent capabilities, both of +enjoyment and affection, which find no expression. He is lacking in +moral symmetry. The motives from which he keeps himself free from +marriage responsibilities may be worthy of the highest respect, but this +does not hinder his character from being less disciplined than it might +have been. + + "For indeed I know + Of no more subtle master under heaven + Than is the maiden passion for a maid, + Not only to keep down the base in man, + But teach high thoughts and amiable words, + And love of truth, and all that makes a man." + +On both sides marriage brings into play some of the purest and loftiest +feelings of which our nature is capable. The feeling of identity of +interest implied in the marriage relation--the mutual confidence which +is the natural result--the tender, chivalrous regard of the husband for +his wife as one who has given herself to him--the devotion and respect +of the wife for the husband as one to whom she has given herself--their +mutual love attracted first by the qualities seen or imagined by each in +the other, and afterwards strengthened by the consciousness of being +that object's best beloved--these feelings exert a purifying, refining, +elevating influence, and are more akin to the religious than any other +feelings. Love, like all things here, is education. It renders us wise +by expanding the soul and stimulating the mental powers. + + "Yes, love indeed is light from heaven: + A spark of that immortal fire + With angels shared, by Allah given, + To lift from earth our low desire. + Devotion wafts the mind above, + But heaven itself descends in love; + A feeling from the Godhead caught, + To wean from self each sordid thought; + A ray of Him who formed the whole; + A glory circling round the soul!" + +It has been well said, "The first condition of human goodness is +something to love; the second, something to reverence." Both these +conditions meet in a well-chosen alliance. + +Married people may so abuse matrimony as to make it a very school for +scandal; but it may and ought to be what Sir Thomas More's home was said +to be, "a school and exercise of the Christian religion." "No wrangling, +no angry word, was heard in it; no one was idle; every one did his duty +with alacrity and not without a temperate cheerfulness." This atmosphere +of love and duty which pervaded his home must have been owing in a great +measure to the household goodness of Sir Thomas himself. For though his +first wife was all that he could have desired, his second was +ill-tempered and little capable of appreciating the lofty principles +that actuated her husband. "I have lived--I have laboured--I have loved. +I have lived in them I loved, laboured for them I loved, loved them for +whom I laboured." Well might Sir Thomas add after this reflection, "My +labour hath not been in vain;" for to say nothing of its effect upon +others, how it must have disciplined his own character! + +"There is nothing," you say, "in the drudgery of domestic life to +soften." No; but, as Robertson of Brighton says, "a great deal to +strengthen with the sense of duty done, self-control, and power. Besides +you cannot calculate how much corroding rust is kept off, how much of +disconsolate, dull despondency is hindered. Daily use is not the +jeweller's mercurial polish, but it will keep your little silver pencil +from tarnishing." + +"Family life," says Sainte-Beuve, "may be full of thorns and cares; but +they are fruitful: all others are dry thorns." And again: "If a man's +home at a certain period of life does not contain children, it will +probably be found filled with follies or with vices." + +Even if it were a misfortune to be married, which we emphatically deny, +has not the old Roman moralist taught us that, "to escape misfortune is +to want instruction, and that to live at ease is to live in ignorance"? +Misfortune to be married? Rather not. + + "Life with all it yields of joy and woe + And hope and fear.... + Is just our chance o' the prize of the learning love-- + How love might be, hath been indeed, and is." + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +BEING MARRIED. + + "If ever one is to pray--if ever one is to feel grave and + anxious--if ever one is to shrink from vain show and vain babble, + surely it is just on the occasion of two human beings binding + themselves to one another, for better and for worse till death + part them."--_Letters and Memorials of Jane Welsh Carlyle._ + + +An elderly unmarried lady of Scotland, after reading aloud to her two +sisters, also unmarried, the births, marriages, and deaths in the +ladies' corner of a newspaper, thus moralized: "Weel, weel, these are +solemn events--death and marriage; but ye ken they're what we must all +come to." "Eh, Miss Jeanny, but ye have been lang spared!" was the reply +of the youngest sister. Those who in our thoughts were represented as +being only in prospect of marriage are spared no longer. They have now +come to what they had to come to--a day "so full of gladness, and so +full of pain"--a day only second in importance to the day of birth; in +a word, to their wedding day. + + "Are [they] sad or merry? + Like to the time o' the year between the extremes + Of hot and cold: [they are] nor sad nor merry." + +And yet few on such a day are as collected as the late Duke of +Sutherland is said to have been. Just two hours before the time fixed +for his marriage with one of the most beautiful women in England, a +friend came upon him in St. James's Park, leaning carelessly over the +railings at the edge of the water, throwing crumbs to the waterfowl. +"What! you here to-day! I thought you were going to be married this +morning?" "Yes," replied the duke, without moving an inch or stopping +his crumb-throwing, "I believe I am." + +To men of a shyer and more nervous temperament, to be married without +chloroform is a very painful operation. They find it difficult to screw +their courage to the marrying place. On one occasion a bridegroom so far +forgot what was due to himself and his bride as to render himself unfit +to take the vows through too frequent recourse on the wedding morn to +the cup that cheers--and inebriates. The minister was obliged to refuse +to proceed with the marriage. A few days later, the same thing occurred +with the same couple; whereupon the minister gravely remonstrated with +the bride, and said they must not again present themselves with the +bridegroom in such a state. "But, sir, he--_he winna come when he's +sober_," was the candid rejoinder. It is possible that this bridegroom, +whose courage was so very Dutch, might have been deterred by the +impending fuss and publicity of a marriage ceremony, rather than by any +fear of or want of affection for her who was to become his wife. Even in +the best assorted marriages there is always more or less anxiety felt +upon the wedding-day. + +The possibility of a hitch arising from a sudden change of inclination +on the part of the principals is ludicrously illustrated by the case of +two couples who on one occasion presented themselves at the Mayoralty, +in a suburb of Paris, to carry out the civil portion of their marriage +contract. During the ceremony one of the bridegrooms saw, or fancied he +saw, his partner making "sheep's-eyes" at the bridegroom opposite. Being +of a jealous temperament, he laid his hand roughly on her arm, and said +sharply: "Mademoiselle, which of the two brides are you? You are mine, I +believe: then oblige me by confining your glances to me." The bride was +a young woman of spirit, and resenting the tone in which the reprimand +was made, retorted: "Ah, Monsieur, if you are jealous already, I am +likely to lead a pleasant life with you!" The jealous bridegroom made an +angry reply; and then the other bridegroom must needs put his oar in. +This led to a general dispute, which the Mayor in vain endeavoured to +quell. The bridegrooms stormed at each other; and the brides, between +their hysterical sobs, mutually accused each other of perfidy. At length +the Mayor, as a last resource, adjourned the ceremony for half an hour, +to admit of an amicable understanding being arrived at, both brides +having refused to proceed with the celebration of the nuptials. When, at +the expiration of the half-hour, the parties were summoned to reappear, +they did so, to the amazement of the bewildered Mayor, in an altogether +different order from that in which they had originally entered. The +bridegrooms had literally effected an exchange of brides--the jealous +bridegroom taking the jealous bride; and the other, the lady whose +fickle glances had led to the rupture. All four adhering to the new +arrangement, the Mayor, it is recorded, had no alternative but to +proceed with the ceremony. + +The ruling passion is not more strongly felt in death than in marriage. +Dr. Johnson displayed the sturdiness of his character as he journeyed +with the lady of his choice from Birmingham to Derby, at which last +place they were to be married. Their ride thither, which we give in the +bridegroom's own words, is an amusing bit of literary history. "Sir, she +had read the old romances, and had got into her head the fantastical +notion that a woman of spirit should use her lover like a dog. So, sir, +at first she told me that I rode too fast, and she could not keep up +with me: and when I rode a little slower, she passed me, and complained +that I lagged behind. I was not to be made the slave of caprice; and I +resolved to begin as I meant to end. I therefore pushed on briskly, till +I was fairly out of her sight. The road lay between two hedges, so I was +sure she could not miss it; and I contrived that she should soon come up +with me. When she did, I observed her to be in tears." + +On the wedding-day of the celebrated M. Pasteur, who has made such +extraordinary discoveries about germs, the hour appointed for the +ceremony had arrived, but the bridegroom was not there. Some friends +rushed off to the laboratory and found him very busy with his apron on. +He was excessively cross at being disturbed, and declared that marriage +might wait, but his experiments could not do so. + +He would indeed be a busy man who could not make time for a marriage +ceremony as brief as that which was employed in the celebration of a +marriage in Iowa, United States. The bride and bridegroom were told to +join their hands, and then asked: "Do you want one another?" Both +replied: "Yes." "Well, then, have one another;" and the couple were man +and wife. Most people, however, desire a more reverent solemnization of +marriage, which may be viewed in two aspects--as a natural institution, +and as a religious ordinance. In the Old Testament we see it as a +natural institution; in the New, it is brought before us in a religious +light. It is there likened to the union of Christ and the Church. The +union of Christ and the Church is not illustrated by marriage, but +marriage by this spiritual union; that is, the natural is based upon the +spiritual. And this is what is wanted; it gives marriage a religious +signification, and it thus becomes a kind of semi-sacrament. The +illustration teaches that in order to be happy though married the +principle of sacrifice must rule the conduct of the married. As no love +between man and wife can be true which does not issue in a sacrifice of +each for the other, so Christ gave Himself for His Church and the Church +sacrifices itself to His service. The only true love is self-devotion, +and the every-day affairs of married life must fail without this +principle of self-sacrifice or the cross of Christ. + +"Would to God that His dear Son were bidden to all weddings as to that +of Cana! Truly then the wine of consolation and blessing would never be +lacking. He who desires that the young of his flock should be like +Jacob's, fair and ring-straked, must set fair objects before their eyes; +and he who would find a blessing in his marriage, must ponder the +holiness and dignity of this mystery, instead of which too often +weddings become a season of mere feasting and disorder." + +A new home is being formed in reference to which the bride and groom +should think, "This is none other but the house of God, and this is the +gate of heaven. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." The +parish church is called "God's House;" but if all the parishioners +rightly used their matrimony, every house in the parish might be called +the same. Home is the place of the highest joys; religion should +sanctify it. Home is the sphere of the deepest sorrows; the highest +consolation of religion should assuage its griefs. Home is the place of +the greatest intimacy of heart with heart; religion should sweeten it +with the joy of confidence. Home discovers all faults; religion should +bless it with the abundance of charity. Home is the place for +impressions, for instruction and culture; there should religion open her +treasures of wisdom and pronounce her heavenly benediction. + +An old minister previous to the meeting of the General Assembly of the +Church of Scotland used to pray that the assembly might be so guided as +"_no to do ony harm_." We have often thought that such a prayer as this +would be an appropriate commencement for the marriage service. +Considering the issues that are involved in marriage--the misery unto +the third and fourth generation that may result from it--those who join +together man and woman in matrimony ought to pray that in doing so they +may do no harm. Certainly the opening exhortation of the Church of +England marriage service is sufficiently serious. It begins by +proclaiming the sacredness of marriage as a Divine institution; +hallowed as a type of the mystical union between Christ and His Church; +honoured (even in its festive aspect) by Our Lord's presence and first +miracle at Cana of Galilee; declared to be "honourable among all men; +and therefore not by any to be enterprised, nor taken in hand, +unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly; but reverently, discreetly, +advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God; duly considering the causes +for which Matrimony was ordained." These are explained in words +plain-spoken almost to coarseness before allusion is made to the higher +moral relation of "mutual society, help, and comfort" which marriage +creates. + +Then follows "the betrothal" in which the man "plights his troth" +(pledges his truth), taking the initiative, while the woman gives hers +in return: + + "The 'wilt thou,' answered, and again + The 'wilt thou' asked, till out of twain + Her sweet 'I will' has made ye one." + +The "joining of hands" is from time immemorial the pledge of +covenant--we "shake hands over a bargain"--and is here an essential part +of the marriage ceremony. + +The use of the ring is described in the prayer that follows as the token +of the marriage covenant--from the man the token of his confiding to his +wife all authority over what is his, and for the woman the badge of +belonging to his house. The old service has a quaint rubric declaring it +put on the fourth finger of the left hand, because thence "there is a +vein leading direct to the heart." The Prayer Book of Edward VI. directs +that "the man shall give unto the woman a ring, and other tokens of +spousage, as gold or silver, laying the same upon the book." This is +clearly the ancient bride price. Wheatly's "Book of Common Prayer" says, +"This lets us into the design of the ring, and intimates it to be the +remains of an ancient custom whereby it was usual for the man to +purchase the woman." The words to be spoken by the man are taken from +the old service, still using the ancient word "worship" (worth--ship) +for service and honour. They declare the dedication both of person and +substance to the marriage bond. + +The Blessing is one of singular beauty and solemnity. It not only +invokes God's favour to "bless, preserve, and keep" the newly-made +husband and wife in this world, but looks beyond it to the life +hereafter, for which nothing can so well prepare them as a well-spent +wedded life here. + +It is said that among the natives of India the cost to a father of +marrying his daughter is about equal to having his house burnt down. +Although brides are not so expensive in this country much money is +wasted on the wedding and preliminaries which would be very useful to +the young people a year or two afterwards. + +We would not advise that there should be no wedding-breakfast and that +the bride should have no trousseau; but we do think that these +accessories should be in accordance with the family exchequer. Again, +wedding presents are often the very articles that the young couple need +least, and are not unfrequently found to be duplicates of the gifts of +other persons. But we cannot linger over the wedding festivities. + +Adieu, young friends! and may joy crown you, love bless you, God speed +your career! + + "Some natural tears they dropp'd, but wip'd them soon; + The world was all before them, where to choose + Their place of rest, and Providence their guide. + They, hand in hand, with wand'ring steps and slow, + Through Eden took their solitary way." + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +HONEYMOONING. + + "The importance of the honeymoon, which had been so much vaunted + to him by his father, had not held good."--_The Married Life of + Albert Durer._ + + +The "honeymoon" is defined by Johnson to be "the first month after +marriage, when there is nothing but tenderness and pleasure." And +certainly it ought to be the happiest month in our lives; but it may, +like every other good thing, be spoiled by mismanagement. When this is +the case, we take our honeymoon like other pleasures--sadly. Instead of +happy reminiscences, nothing is left of it except its jars. + +You take, says the philosophical observer, a man and a woman, who in +nine cases out of ten know very little about each other (though they +generally fancy they do), you cut off the woman from all her female +friends, you deprive the man of his ordinary business and ordinary +pleasures, and you condemn this unhappy pair to spend a month of +enforced seclusion in each other's society. If they marry in the summer +and start on a tour, the man is oppressed with a plethora of +sight-seeing, while the lady, as often as not, becomes seriously ill +from fatigue and excitement. + +A newly-married man took his bride on a tour to Switzerland for the +honeymoon, and when there induced her to attempt with him the ascent of +one of the high peaks. The lady, who at home had never ascended a hill +higher than a church, was much alarmed, and had to be carried by the +guides with her eyes blindfolded, so as not to witness the horrors of +the passage. The bridegroom walked close to her, expostulating +respecting her fear. He spoke in honeymoon whispers; but the rarefaction +of the air was such that every word was audible. "You told me, Leonora, +that you always felt happy--no matter where you were--so long as you +were in my company. Then why are you not happy now?" "Yes, Charles, I +did," replied she; sobbing hysterically; "but I never meant above the +snow line." It is at such times as these that awkward angles of temper +make themselves manifest, which, under a more sensible system, might +have been concealed for years, perhaps for ever. + +Boswell called upon Dr. Johnson on the morning of the day on which he +was to leave for Scotland--for matrimonial purposes. The prospect of +connubial felicity had made the expectant husband voluble; he therefore +took courage to recite to the sage a little love-song which he had +himself composed and which Dibdin was to set to music: + + A MATRIMONIAL THOUGHT. + + "In the blythe days of honeymoon, + With Kate's allurements smitten, + I loved her late, I loved her soon, + And called her dearest kitten. + + But now my kitten's grown a cat, + And cross like other wives, + Oh! by my soul, my honest Mat, + I fear she has nine lives." + +_Johnson_: "It is very well, sir, but you should not swear." Whereupon +the obnoxious "Oh! by my soul," was changed on the instant to "Alas! +alas!" + +If the kitten should develop into a cat even before the "blythe days of +honeymoon" are ended, it is no wonder, considering the way some young +couples spend the first month of married life, rushing from one +continental city to another, and visiting all the churches and +picture-galleries, however scorching may be the weather or however great +may be their secret aversion to art and antiquity. The lady gives way to +fatigue, and is seized with a violent headache. For a while the young +husband thinks that it is rather nice to support his Kate's head, but +when she answers his sympathetic inquiries sharply and petulantly, he in +turn becomes less amiable, dazzling, enchanting, and, in a word, all +that as a _fiancé_ he had been. + +Winter honeymooning is even more trying to the temper, for then short +days and unfavourable weather compel the young couple to stay in one +place. Imagine the delights of a month spent in lodgings at the seaside, +with nothing to do except to get photographed, which is a favourite +pastime of the newly-married. The bride may be indifferent to the rain +and sleet beating against the windows, for she can spend the time +writing to her friends long and enthusiastic descriptions of her +happiness; but what can the unlucky bridegroom do? He subscribes to the +circulating library, reads a series of novels aloud to his wife, and +illustrates every amatory passage with a kiss. But the "dear old boy" +(as the bride calls him) tires of this sort of thing after a week, and +how can he then amuse himself? He stares out of windows, he watches the +arrival of the milkman and the butcher with the liveliest interest; he +envies the coastguardsman, who is perpetually on the look-out for +invisible smugglers through a portentously long telescope. Cases have +been known where the bridegroom--a City man--being driven to +desperation, has privately ordered the office journal and ledger to be +sent down by luggage train, and has devoted his evenings to checking the +additions in those interesting volumes. + +When Hodge and his sweetheart crown their pastoral loves in the quiet +old country church, they take a pleasant drive or a walk in their +finery, and settle down at once to connubial comfort in the cot beside +the wood. Why do their richer neighbours deny themselves this happiness +and invent special troubles? Why, during the early weeks of married +life, do they lay up sad memories of provoking mistakes, of trunks which +will not pack, of trains which will not wait, of tiresome sight-seeing, +of broiling sun, of headache, of "the fretful stir unprofitable, and the +fever" of honeymooning abroad? Many a bridegroom but just returned from +a "delightful tour on the Continent" will be able to sympathize in the +remark of the country farmer to a companion in the train, as he went to +town to buy hay. "Yes, it's been a bad winter for some folk. Old +Smith's dead, and so is Jones, and my wife died yesterday. And how be +the hay, master?" + +We do not want excitement during the honeymoon, for are we not in love +(if we are not we ought to be ashamed of ourselves), and is not love +all-sufficient? Last week we only saw the object of our affections by +fits and starts as it were; now we have her or him all to ourselves. + + "Who hath not felt that breath in the air, + A perfume and freshness strange and rare, + A warmth in the light, and a bliss everywhere, + When young hearts yearn together? + All sweets below, and all sunny above, + Oh! there's nothing in life like making love, + Save making hay in fine weather." + +Let cynics say what they will, the honeymoon, when not greatly +mismanaged, _is_ a halcyon period. It is a delightful lull between two +distinct states of existence, and the married man is not to be envied +who can recall no pleasant reminiscences of it. What profane outsiders +consider very dull has a charm of its own to honeymoon lovers who +"illumine life with dreaming," and who see-- + + "Golden visions wave and hover, + Golden vapours, waters streaming, + Landscapes moving, changing, gleaming!" + +Still, we cannot but think that if a wedding tour must be taken it +should be short, quiet, free-and-easy, and inexpensive. At some future +time, when the young people are less agitated and have learned to +understand each other better, the time and money saved will be +available for a more extended holiday. During the honeymoon there should +be "marches hymeneal in the land of the ideal" rather than +globe-trotting; "thoughts moved o'er fields Elysian" rather than over +the perplexing pages of "Bradshaw's General Railway and Steam Navigation +Guide." + +In reference to the honeymoon, as to other matters, people's opinions +differ according to their temperaments and circumstances. So we shall +conclude this chapter by quoting two nearly opposite opinions, and ask +our readers to decide for themselves. + +In the "Memoir of Daniel Macmillan" his opinion is thus stated: "That +going out for the honeymoon is a most wise and useful invention; it +enables you to be so constantly together, and to obtain a deeper +knowledge of each other; and it also helps one to see and feel the +preciousness of such intimacy as nothing else could. Intercourse in the +presence of others never leads below the surface, and it is in the very +depths of our being that true calm, deep and true peace and love lie. +Nothing so well prepares for the serious duties of after-life." + +"As to long honeymoons," says the Bishop of Rochester, "most sensible +people have come utterly to disbelieve in them. They are a forced homage +to utterly false ideas; they are a waste of money at a moment when every +shilling is wanted for much more pressing objects; they are a loss of +time, which soon comes to be dreary and weary. Most of all, they are a +risk for love, which ought not so soon to be so unpleasantly tested by +the inevitable petulances of a secret _ennui_. Six days by all means, +and then, oh! happy friends, go straight home.... Whenever you come +back, six weeks hence or one, you will have just as much to stand the +fire of a little hard staring which won't hurt you, and of bright +pleasantness which need not vex you; and the sooner you are at home, the +sooner you will find out what married happiness means." + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +MARRIAGE VOWS. + + "Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou + shouldest vow and not pay."--_Ecclesiastes_ v. 5. + + +The honeymoon is over, and our young couple have exchanged their +chrysalis condition for the pleasures and duties of ordinary married +life. Let them begin by forming the highest ideal of marriage. Now, and +on every anniversary of their wedding day, they should seriously reflect +upon those vows which are too often taken, either in entire ignorance of +their meaning and import, or thoughtlessly, as though they were mere +incidents of the marriage ceremony. + +A Hampshire incumbent recently reported some of the blunders he had +heard made in the marriage service, by that class of persons who have to +pick up the words as best they can from hearing them repeated by others. +He said that in his own parish it was quite the fashion for the man, +when giving the ring, to say to the woman: "With my body I thee wash +up, and with all my hurdle goods I thee and thou." He said the women +were generally better up in this part of the service than the men. One +day, however, a bride startled him by promising, in what she supposed to +be language of the Prayer Book, to take her husband "to 'ave and to 'old +from this day fortn't, for betterer horse, for richerer power, in +siggerness health, to love cherries, and to bay." We have heard of an +ignorant bridegroom, who, confusing the baptismal and marriage services, +replied, when asked if he consented to take the bride for his wife: "I +renounce them all!" It is to be hoped that the times of such ignorance +are either passed or passing; still, a little instruction in reference +to marriage vows might be given with advantage in some churches. + +In one of his letters Byron tells a story of a learned Jew, who was +remarkable, in the brilliant circles to which his learning gained him +admittance, for his habit of asking questions continuously and +fearlessly, in order to get at the bottom of any matter in discussion. +To a person who was complaining of the Prince Regent's bad treatment of +his old boon companions, this habitual interrogator cried across a +dinner-table: "And why does the prince act so?" "Because he was told +so-and-so by Lord ----; who ought to be ashamed of himself!" was the +answer. "But why, sir, has the prince cut _you_?" inquired the searcher +after truth. "Because I stuck to my principles--yes, sir, because I +stuck to my principles!" replied the other, testily, thinking that his +examination was ended. "_And why did you stick to your principles?_" +cried the interrogator, throwing the table into a roar of laughter, the +mirth being no more due to the inquisitor's persistence than to his +inability to conceive that any man would stick to his principles simply +because he believed them to be right. Are there not some educated as +well as uneducated people who seem to be quite as incapable of +conceiving that they should keep their marriage vows, simply because it +is dishonourable and wicked to break them? + +A mother having become alarmed about the failing state of her daughter's +health, and not being able to get much satisfaction from a consultation +with the village doctor, took her to a London physician for further +advice. He asked a few questions as to the girl's daily habits and mode +of life, carefully stethoscoped her heart and lungs, and then gave an +involuntary sigh. The mother grew pale, and waited anxiously for a +verdict "Madam," he said, "so far as I can discover, your daughter is +suffering from a most serious complaint, which, for want of a better +name, I shall call 'dulness.' Perhaps it is in your power to cure it. I +have no medicine which is a specific for this disease." Girls, who +suffer in this way, too often prescribe for themselves marriage with men +whom they cannot love, honour, and obey. This is as bad as +dram-drinking, or gambling; but what else can the poor things do? They +have not been trained like their brothers to useful work, and have +always been told that woman's first, best occupation is--to be a wife. +To which it may be answered-- + + "Most true; but to make a mere business of marriage, + To call it a 'living,' 'vocation,' 'career,' + Is but to pervert, to degrade, and disparage + A contract of all the most sacred and dear." + +Nor will those vows be regarded with greater sanctity which are taken +against the inclination. Better to be as candid as the girl who, forced +by her parents into a disagreeable match, when the clergyman came to +that part of the service where the bride is asked if she will have the +bridegroom for her husband, said, with great simplicity, "Oh dear, no, +sir; but you are the first person who has asked my opinion about the +matter!" + +Let us think now what the vows are which, at the altar of God, and in +the presence of our fellow-creatures, we solemnly vow. Both the man and +the woman vow to love, honour, cherish, and be faithful, for better for +worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and health, till death part +them. Then the husband promises to comfort his wife, and the wife to +serve and obey her husband. + +A Scotch lady, whose daughter was recently married, was asked by an old +friend whether she might congratulate her upon the event. "Yes, yes," +she answered; "upon the whole it is very satisfactory; it is true +Jeannie hates her gudeman, but then there's always a something." The old +friend might have told this Scotch lady that in making light of love she +made light of that which was needful to hallow her daughter's marriage; +and that even the blessing of a bishop in the most fashionable church +does not prevent a loveless alliance from being a sacrifice of true +chastity. + +Contrast the indifference of this Scotch lady in reference to +matrimonial love, with the value set upon it in a letter which Pliny the +Younger, who was a heathen, wrote concerning his wife, Calpurnia, to her +aunt. It is quoted by Dr. Cook as follows: "She loves me, the surest +pledge of her virtue, and adds to this a wonderful disposition to +learning, which she has acquired from her affection to me. She reads my +writings, studies them, and even gets them by heart. You would smile to +see the concern she is in when I have a cause to plead, and the joy she +shows when it is over. She finds means to have the first news brought +her of the success I meet with in court. If I recite anything in public, +she cannot refrain from placing herself privately in some corner to +hear. Sometimes she accompanies my verses with the lute, without any +master except love--the best of instructors. From these instances I take +the most certain omens of our perpetual and increasing happiness, since +her affection is not founded on my youth or person, which must gradually +decay; but she is in love with the immortal part of me." + +The second vow taken by both the man and the woman is to "honour." +"Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving +honour unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel." "And the wife see that +she reverence her husband." The weaker vessel is to be honoured, not +because she is weak, but because, being weak, she acts her part so well. + +And even if the wife's courage and endurance should sometimes fail, a +good husband would not withhold honour from her on that account. He +would remember her weaker nature, and her more delicate physical frame, +her more acute nervous sensibility, her greater sensitiveness and +greater trials, the peculiar troubles to which she is subject. + +In a lately published "Narrative of a Journey through the South China +Border Lands," we are told that a wife in this part of the world, when +mentioned by her husband, "which happens as seldom as possible," is +called "My dull thorn," "The thorn in my ribs," or "The mean one of the +inner rooms." This is the way _not_ to honour a wife. But the honour +which a husband should give is not merely that chivalrous bearing which +the strong owe to the weak, and which every woman has a right to expect +from every man. In describing a husband who was in the habit of +honouring his wife, Dr. Landels remarks that "one could not be in his +presence without feeling it. Never a word escaped his lips which +reflected directly or indirectly on her. Never an action he performed +would have led to the impression that there could be any difference +between them. She was the queen of his home. All about them felt that in +his estimation, and by his desire, her authority was unimpeachable, and +her will law. And the effect of his example was that children and +friends and domestics alike hedged her about with sweet respect. A man +of strong will himself, his was never known to be in collision with +hers; and, without any undue yielding, the homage which he paid to his +wife made their union one of the happiest it has ever been our privilege +to witness." + +And the wife, on her part, is to reverence and honour her husband as +long as she possibly can. If possible, she should let her husband +suppose that she thinks him a _good_ husband, and it will be a strong +stimulus to his being so. As long as he thinks he possesses the +character, he will take some pains to deserve it; but when he has lost +the name he will be very apt to abandon the reality altogether. "To +treat men as if they were better than they are is the surest way to +_make_ them better than they are." Keats tells us that he has met with +women who would like to be married to a Poem, and given away by a +Novel; but wives must not cease to honour their husbands on discovering +that instead of being poetical and romantic they are very ordinary, +imperfect beings. + +There are homes where poverty has never left its pinch nor sickness paid +its visit; homes where there is plenty on the board, and health in the +circle, and yet where a skeleton more grim than death haunts the +cupboard, and an ache harsher than consumption's tooth gnaws sharply at +the heart. Why do those shoulders stoop so early ere life's noon has +passed? Why is it that the sigh which follows the closing of the door +after the husband has gone off to business is a sigh of relief, and that +which greets his coming footstep is a sigh of dread? What means that +nervous pressing of the hand against the heart, the gulping back of the +lump that rises in the throat, the forced smile, and the pressed-back +tear? If we could but speak to the husbands who haunt these homes, we +would tell them that some such soliloquy as the following is ever +passing like a laboured breath through the distracted minds of their +wives: "Is this the Canaan, this the land of promise, this the milk and +honey that were pictured to my fancy; when the walks among the lanes, +and fields, and flowers were all too short, and the whispers were so +loving, and the pressure was so fond, and the heart-beat was so +passionate? For what have I surrendered home, youth, beauty, freedom, +love--all that a woman has to give in all her wealth of confidence? +Harsh tones, cold looks, stern words, short answers, sullen reserve." +"What," says the cheery neighbour, "is that all?" All! What more is +needed to make home dark, to poison hope, to turn life into a funeral, +the marriage-robe into a shroud, and the grave into a refuge? It does +not want drunkenness, blows, bruises, clenched fists, oaths, to work +sacrilege in the temple of the home; only a little ice where the fire +should glow; only a cold look where the love should burn; only a sneer +where there ought to be a smile. Husband! that wife of yours is wretched +because you are a liar; because you perjured yourself when you vowed to +love and cherish. You are too great a coward to beat her brains out with +a poker lest the gallows claim you; but you are so little of a man that +you poison her soul with the slow cruelty of an oath daily foresworn and +brutally ignored. If the ducking-stool was a punishment of old for a +scolding wife, a fiercer baptism should await the husband who has ceased +to cherish his wife. + +As regards the vow of fidelity we need only quote these words of the +prophet Malachi: "The Lord hath been witness between thee and the wife +of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet she is thy +companion, and the wife of thy covenant. And did not he make one? +Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously +against the wife of his youth." But there are absentee husbands and +wives who, though they are not guilty of breaking the seventh +commandment, do by no means keep the promise of keeping only to their +wives and husbands. If a man come home only when other places are shut, +or when his money is all gone, or when nobody else wants him, is he not +telling his wife and family, as plainly by deeds as he could possibly by +words, that he takes more delight in other company than in theirs? +Charles Lamb used to feel that there was something of dishonesty in any +pleasures which he took without his lunatic sister. A good man will +feel something like this in reference to his wife and children. + +But though men should love their homes, it is quite possible for them to +be too much at home. This at least is the opinion of most wives. There +is everywhere a disposition to pack off the men in the morning and to +bid them keep out of the way till towards evening, when it is assumed +they will probably have a little news of the busy world to bring home, +and when baby will be sure to have said something exceptionally +brilliant and precocious. The general events of the day will afford +topics of conversation more interesting by far than if the whole +household had been together from morning till night. Men about home all +day are fidgety, grumpy, and interfering--altogether objectionable, in +short. + +As a rule it is when things are going wrong that women show to the best +advantage. Every one can remember illustrations. We have one in the +following story of Hawthorne, which was told to Mr. Conway by an +intimate friend of the novelist. One wintry day Hawthorne received at +his office notification that his services would no longer be required. +With heaviness of heart he repaired to his humble home. His young wife +recognizes the change and stands waiting for the silence to be broken. +At length he falters, "I am removed from office." Then she leaves the +room; she returns with fuel and kindles a bright fire with her own +hands; next she brings pen, paper, ink, and sets them beside him. Then +she touches the sad man on the shoulder, and, as he turns to the beaming +face, says, "Now you can write your book." The cloud cleared away. The +lost office looked like a cage from which he had escaped. "The Scarlet +Letter" was written, and a marvellous success rewarded the author and +his stout-hearted wife. + +The care some wives take of their husbands in sickness is very touching. +John Richard Green, the historian, whose death seemed so untimely, is an +instance of this. His very life was prolonged in the most wonderful way +by the care and skill with which he was tended; and it was with and +through his wife that the work was done which he could not have done +alone. She consulted the authorities for him, examined into obscure +points, and wrote to his dictation. In this way, when he could not work +more than two hours in the day, and when often some slight change in the +weather would throw him back and make work impossible for days or weeks, +the book was prepared which he published under the title of "The Making +of England." + +The husband's vow to "comfort" was never better performed than by +Cobbett. In his "Advice to Young Men" he says: "I began my young +marriage days in and near Philadelphia. At one of those times to which I +have just alluded, in the middle of the burning hot month of July, I was +greatly afraid of fatal consequences to my wife for want of sleep, she +not having, after the great danger was over, had any sleep for more than +forty-eight hours. All great cities in hot countries are, I believe, +full of dogs, and they, in the very hot weather, keep up during the +night a horrible barking and fighting and howling. Upon the particular +occasion to which I am adverting they made a noise so terrible and so +unremitted that it was next to impossible that even a person in full +health and free from pain should obtain a minute's sleep. I was, about +nine in the evening, sitting by the bed. 'I do think,' said she, 'that +I could go to sleep _now_, if it were not _for the dogs_.' Downstairs I +went, and out I sallied, in my shirt and trousers, and without shoes and +stockings; and, going to a heap of stones lying beside the road, set to +work upon the dogs, going backward and forward, and keeping them at two +or three hundred yards' distance from the house. I walked thus the whole +night, barefooted, lest the noise of my shoes might possibly reach her +ears; and I remember that the bricks of the causeway were, even in the +night, so hot as to be disagreeable to my feet. My exertions produced +the desired effect: a sleep of several hours was the consequence, and, +at eight o'clock in the morning, off went I to a day's business which +was to end at six in the evening. + +"Women are all patriots of the soil; and when her neighbours used to ask +my wife whether _all_ English husbands were like hers, she boldly +answered in the affirmative. I had business to occupy the whole of my +time, Sundays and week-days, except sleeping hours; but I used to make +time to assist her in the taking care of her baby, and in all sorts of +things: get up, light her fire, boil her tea-kettle, carry her up warm +water in cold weather, take the child while she dressed herself and got +the breakfast ready, then breakfast, get her in water and wood for the +day, then dress myself neatly and sally forth to my business. The moment +that was over I used to hasten back to her again; and I no more thought +of spending a moment _away from her_, unless business compelled me, than +I thought of quitting the country and going to sea. The _thunder_ and +_lightning_ are tremendous in America compared with what they are in +England. My wife was at one time very much afraid of thunder and +lightning; and, as is the feeling of all such women, and indeed all men +too, she wanted company, and particularly her husband, in those times of +danger. I knew well of course that my presence would not diminish the +danger; but, be I at what I might, if within reach of home, I used to +quit my business and hasten to her the moment I perceived a thunderstorm +approaching. Scores of miles have I, first and last, _run_ on this +errand in the streets of Philadelphia! The Frenchmen who were my +scholars used to laugh at me exceedingly on this account; and sometimes, +when I was making an appointment with them, they would say, with a smile +and a bow, '_Sauve le tonnerre toujours, Monsieur Cobbett!_'" + +Much is said both wise and otherwise in reference to the obedience which +a wife vows to yield to her husband. One who wrote a sketch of the Rev. +F. D. Maurice tells us that he met him once at a wedding breakfast. +Maurice proposed the health of the bride and bridegroom. The lady turned +round, and in rather bad taste exclaimed, "Now, Mr. Maurice, I call you +to witness that I entertain no intention of obeying." Maurice answered +with his sad, sweet smile, "Ah, madam, you little know the blessedness +of obedience." + +Of course no one believes that it is a wife's duty to obey when her +husband wishes her to act contrary to the dictates of conscience. As +little is she expected to conform to a standard of obedience and service +such as was laid down in a conversation overheard between two children +who were playing on the sands together. Small boy to little girl: "Do +you wish to be my wife?" Little girl, after reflection; "Yes." Small +boy: "Then pull off my boots." We all rejoice in the fact that woman's +rights are very different now from what they used to be, at least in +Russia, where, Dr. Lansdell tells us, anciently at a wedding the +bridegroom took to church a whip, and in one part of the ceremony +lightly applied it to the bride's back, in token that she was to be in +subjection. Is there not still, however, much truth in the old couplet: + + "Man, love thy wife; thy husband, wife, obey. + Wives are our heart; we should be head alway"? + +On a great many points concerning the pecuniary or other interests of +the family, the husband will usually be the wisest, and may most +properly be treated as the senior or acting partner in the firm. + +"The good wife," says Fuller, "commandeth her husband in any equal +matter, by constantly obeying him. It was always observed, that what the +English gained of the French in battle by valour, the French regained of +the English in cunning by treaties. So if the husband should chance by +his power in his passion to prejudice his wife's right, she wisely +knoweth by compounding and complying, to recover and rectify it again." +This is very much what the well-known lines in "Hiawatha" teach-- + + "As unto the bow the cord is, + So unto the man is woman; + Though she bends him, she obeys him; + Though she draws him, yet she follows; + Useless each without the other!" + +But indeed it is a sign of something being wrong between married +people, when the question which of the two shall be subject to the other +ever arises. It will never do so when both parties love as they ought, +for then the struggle will be not who shall command and control, but who +shall serve and yield. As Chaucer says-- + + "When mastery cometh, then sweet Love anon, + Flappeth his nimble wings and soon away is flown." + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +"DRIVE GENTLY OVER THE STONES!" + + "It were better to meet some dangers half-way, though they come + nothing near."--_Bacon._ + + "Rocks whereon greatest men have oftest wreck'd."--_Milton._ + + +"Drive gently over the stones!" This piece of advice, which is +frequently given to inexperienced whips, may be suggested metaphorically +to the newly-married. On the road upon which they have entered there are +stony places, which, if not carefully driven over, will almost certainly +upset the domestic coach. To accompany one's wife harmoniously on an +Irish car is easy compared to the task of accompanying her over these +stones on the domestic car. + +The first rock ahead which should be signalled "dangerous" is the first +year of married life. As a rule the first year either mars or makes a +marriage. During this period errors may be committed which will cast a +shadow over every year that follows. We agree with Mrs. Jameson in +thinking that the first year of married life is not as happy as the +second. People have to get into the habit of being married, and there +are difficult lessons to be learned in the apprenticeship. + +A lady once asked Dr. Johnson how in his dictionary he came to define +_pastern_ the _knee_ of a horse; he immediately answered, "Ignorance, +madam, pure ignorance." This is the simple explanation of many an +accident that takes place at the commencement of the matrimonial +journey. The young couple have not yet learned the dangerous places of +the road, and, as a consequence, they drive carelessly over them. + +How many people starting in married life throw happiness out of their +grasp, and create troubles for the rest of their days! The cause may be +generally traced to selfishness, their conceit taking everything that +goes amiss as meant for a personal affront, and their wounded +self-esteem making life a burden hard to bear, for themselves and +others. We can all recognize in every circle such cases; we are all able +to read the moral elsewhere; but in our own case we allow the small +breach--that might be healed with very little effort at first--to get +wider and wider, and the pair that should become closer and closer, +gradually not only cease to care for, but have a dread of each other's +society. + +There is one simple direction, which, if carefully regarded, might long +preserve the tranquillity of the married life, and ensure no +inconsiderable portion of connubial happiness to the observers of it: it +is--to beware of the _first_ dispute. "Man and wife," says Jeremy +Taylor, "are equally concerned to avoid all offences of each other in +the beginning of their conversation; every little thing can blast an +infant blossom; and the breath of the south can shake the little rings +of the vine, when first they begin to curl like the locks of a new +weaned boy: but when by age and consolidation they stiffen into the +hardness of a stem, and have, by the warm embraces of the sun and the +kisses of heaven, brought forth their clusters, they can endure the +storms of the north, and the loud noises of a tempest, and yet never be +broken. So are the early unions of an unfixed marriage; watchful and +observant, jealous and busy, inquisitive and careful, and apt to take +alarm at every unkind word. After the hearts of the man and the wife are +endeared and hardened by a mutual confidence and experience, longer than +artifice and pretence can last, there are a great many remembrances, and +some things present, that dash all little unkindnesses in pieces." + +Every little dispute between man and wife is dangerous. It forces +good-humour out of its channel, undermines affection, and insidiously, +though perhaps insensibly, wears out and, at last, entirely destroys +that cordiality which is the life and soul of matrimonial felicity. As +however "it's hardly in a body's power to keep at times from being +sour," undue importance ought not to be attached to "those little tiffs +that sometimes cast a shade on wedlock." Often they are, as the poet +goes on to observe, "love in masquerade-- + + "And family jars, look we but o'er the rim, + Are filled with honey, even to the brim." + +In the Life of St. Francis de Sales we are told that the saint did not +approve of the saying, "Never rely on a reconciled enemy." He rather +preferred a contrary maxim, and said that a quarrel between friends, +when made up, added a new tie to friendship; as experience shows that +the calosity formed round a broken bone makes it stronger than before. + +Beware of jealousy; "it is the green-eyed monster, which doth make the +meat it feeds on." Here is an amusing case in point. A French lady who +was jealous of her husband determined to watch his movements. One day, +when he told her he was going to Versailles, she followed him, keeping +him in sight until she missed him in a passage leading to the railway +station. Looking about her for a few minutes, she saw a man coming out +of a glove-shop with a rather overdressed lady. Blinded with rage and +jealousy, she fancied it was her husband, and without pausing for a +moment to consider, bounced suddenly up to him and gave him three or +four stinging boxes on the ear. The instant the gentleman turned round, +she discovered her mistake, and at the same moment caught sight of her +husband, who had merely called at a tobacconist's, and was now crossing +the street. There was nothing for it but to faint in the arms of the +gentleman she had attacked; while the other lady moved away, to avoid a +scene. The stranger, astonished to find an unknown lady in his arms, was +further startled by a gentleman seizing him by the collar and demanding +to know what he meant by embracing that lady. "Why, sir, she boxed my +ears, and then fainted," exclaimed the innocent victim. "She is my +wife," shouted the angry husband, "and would never have struck you +without good cause." Worse than angry words would probably have followed +had not the cause of the whole misunderstanding recovered sufficiently +to explain how it had all happened. + +A jealous wife is generally considered a proper subject for ridicule; +and a woman ought to conceal from her husband any feeling of the kind. +Her suspicions may be altogether groundless, and she may be tormenting +herself with a whole train of imaginary evils. + +On the other hand a husband is bound to abstain from even the appearance +of preferring any one else to his wife. When in the presence of others +he should indulge her laudable pride by showing that he thinks her an +object of importance and preference. + +In his "Advice to Young Men" Cobbett gives this interesting bit of +autobiography. "For about two or three years after I was married, I, +retaining some of my military manners, used, both in France and America, +to _romp_ most famously with the girls that came in my way; till one day +at Philadelphia, my wife said to me in a very gentle manner: 'Don't do +that, _I do not like it_.' That was quite enough; I had never _thought_ +on the subject before; one hair of her head was more dear to me than all +the other women in the world, and this I knew that she knew. But I now +saw that this was not all that she had a right to from me; I saw that +she had the further claim upon me that I should abstain from everything +that might induce others to believe that there was any other woman for +whom, even if I were at liberty, I had any affection. I beseech young +married men to bear this in mind; for on some trifle of this sort the +happiness or misery of a long life frequently turns." + +There may be a fanaticism in love as well as in belief, and where people +love much they are apt to be exacting one to the other. But although +jealousy does imply love, such love as consists in a craving for the +affection of its object, it is love which is largely dashed with +selfishness. It is incompatible with love of the highest order, for +where that exists there is no dread of not being loved enough in return. +In this relation as well as in the highest, "There is no fear in love, +but perfect love casteth out fear, because fear hath torment. He that +feareth is not made perfect in love." + +It is generally admitted that conjugal affection largely depends on +mutual confidence. A friend quoted this sentiment the other day in a +smoking-room, and added that he made it a rule to tell his wife +everything that happened, and in this way they avoided any +misunderstanding. "Well, sir," remarked another gentleman present, not +to be outdone in generosity, "you are not so open and frank as I am, for +I tell my wife a good many things that never happen." "Oh!" exclaimed a +third, "I am under no necessity to keep my wife informed regarding my +affairs. She can find out five times as much as I know myself without +the least trouble." + +"How," said a gentleman to a friend who wished to convey a matter of +importance to a lady without communicating directly with her, "how can +you be certain of her reading the letter, seeing that you have directed +it to her husband?" "That I have managed without the possibility of +failure," was the answer; "she will open it to a certainty, for I have +put the word 'private' in the corner." + +These anecdotes put in a lively way the well-known fact that it is +impossible for married people to keep secrets the one from the other. +But even to make the attempt is to enter upon ground so dangerous that +scarcely any amount of cautious driving will prevent a catastrophe. +Unless husband and wife trust each other all in all the result will be +much the same as if they trusted not at all. + +We believe that the Delilahs are few who would sell their Samsons to the +Philistines when these Samsons have told them the secret source of their +great strength. Still, there are secrets entrusted to the clergyman, the +physician, the lawyer, the legislator to betray which, even to a wife, +would be dishonourable and disgraceful. + +A case beautifully illustrating this difficult point in matrimonial +relations occurs in the memoirs of Lady Fanshawe, wife of Sir Richard +Fanshawe, who was a faithful Royalist during the civil war. Soon after +Lady Fanshawe's marriage, she was instigated by some crafty ladies of +the court to obtain from her husband a knowledge of some secret +political events. The matter is best described in her own words: "And +now I thought myself a perfect queen, and my husband so glorious a +crown, that I more valued myself to be called by his name than born a +princess, for I knew him very wise and very good, and his soul doted on +me; upon which confidence I will tell you what happened. My Lady Rivers, +a brave woman, and one that had suffered many thousand pounds' loss for +the King, and whom I had a great reverence for, and she a kindness for +me as a kinswoman--in discourse she tacitly commended the knowledge of +State affairs, and that some women were very happy in a good +understanding thereof, as my Lady Aubingny, Lady Isabel Thynne, and +divers others, and yet none was at first more capable than I; that in +the night she knew there came a post from Paris from the Queen, and that +she would be extremely glad to hear what the Queen commanded the King +in order to his affairs; saying, if I would ask my husband privately, he +would tell me what he found in the packet, and I might tell her. I that +was young and innocent, and to that day had never in my mouth, what +news?--began to think there was more in inquiring into public affairs +than I thought of, and that it being a fashionable thing, would make me +more beloved of my husband, if that had been possible, than I was. When +my husband returned home from council, after welcoming him, as his +custom ever was, he went with his handful of papers into his study for +an hour or more; I followed him: he turned hastily and said, 'What +would'st thou have, my life?' I told him, 'I heard the Prince had +received a packet from the Queen, and I guessed it was that in his +hands, and I desired to know what was in it.' He smilingly replied, 'My +love, I will immediately come to thee; pray thee go, for I am very +busy.' When he came out of his closet I revived my suit; he kissed me +and talked of other things. At supper, I would eat nothing; he as usual +sat by me, and drank often to me, which was his custom, and was full of +discourse to company that was at table. Going to bed I asked again, and +said I could not believe he loved me, if he refused to tell me all he +knew; but he answered nothing, but stopped my mouth with kisses. So we +went to bed; I cried, and he went to sleep. Next morning early, as his +custom was, he was called to rise, but began to discourse with me first; +to which I made no reply; he rose, came on the other side of the bed and +kissed me, and drew the curtain softly and went to court. When he came +home to dinner, he presently came to me as was usual, and when I had +him by the hand, I said, 'Thou dost not care to see me troubled;' to +which he, taking me in his arms, answered, 'My dearest soul, nothing +upon earth can afflict me like that; and when you asked me of my +business, it was wholly out of my power to satisfy thee, for my life and +fortune shall be thine, and every thought of my heart in which the trust +I am in may not be revealed; but my honour is my own, which I cannot +preserve if I communicate the Prince's affairs; and pray thee with this +answer rest satisfied.' So great was his reason and goodness, that upon +consideration it made my folly appear to me so vile, that from that day +until the day of his death, I never thought fit to ask him any business +but what he communicated freely to me, in order to his estate and +family." + +When a man comes home tired, hungry, and put out about something that +has gone wrong in business, this is not the time for his wife to order +him to stand and deliver his secret troubles. Rather, she should give +him a well-cooked dinner and say little or nothing. Later on in the +evening, when he is rested and has smoked a pipe of peace, he will be +only too glad to give her his confidence in return for her sympathetic +treatment of him. It seems to me that there is more of vulgar +familiarity than of confidence in a man and wife at all times opening +each other's letters. A sealed letter is sacred; and all persons like to +have the first reading of their own letters. Why should a close +relationship abrogate respectful courtesy? + +Artemus Ward tells us that when he was at Salt Lake he was introduced to +Brigham Young's mother-in-law. "I can't exactly tell you how many there +is of her, but it's a good deal." Married people require to drive gently +when there is in the way the stumbling-block of "a good deal" of +mother-or other relations-in-law. Certainly Adam and Eve were in +paradise in this respect. "When I want a nice snug day all to myself," +says an ingenuous wife, "I tell George dear mother is coming, and then I +see nothing of him till one in the morning." "Are your domestic +relations agreeable?" was the question put to an unhappy-looking +specimen of humanity. "Oh, my domestic relations are all right; it is my +wife's relations that are causing the trouble." It is true we read in +the _Graphic_ a year or two ago an exception to the usual dislike to +mothers-in-law, but the exception was scarcely reassuring. A +well-dressed young woman of nineteen informed a magistrate that her own +mother had run away with her husband. This _mater pulchrior_ came to +stay with her _filia pulchra_, won the affections of the husband, and, +at last, withdrew him from his hearth and home. Still it is the duty of +people to keep on terms of at least friendly neutrality with their +relations-in-law. Where there is disunion there are generally faults on +both sides. + +We know of a working-man who on the eve of his marriage signed a promise +to abstain from intoxicating liquor. He put the document into a frame +and presented it to his wife after the wedding as a marriage settlement. +And certainly there cannot be a better marriage settlement than for a +young husband to settle his habits. + +The young husband or wife who is in the least degree careless in the use +of intoxicating drinks should read the following account which Mr. Gough +gives of a case which he met in one of the convict prisons of America. +"I was attracted, while speaking to the prisoners in the chapel, by the +patient, gentle look of one of the convicts who sat before me, whose +whole appearance was that of a mild-tempered, quiet man. After the +service, one of the prison officers, in reply to my question, stated +that this same man was serving out a life term. I asked what was the +possible crime for which he was serving a life term in a State prison. +'Murder.' 'Murder?' 'Yes, he murdered his wife.' Having asked if I might +have an interview with him, my request was granted, and I held a +conversation with him. 'My friend, I do not wish to ask you any +questions that will be annoying; but I was struck by your appearance, +and was so much surprised when I heard of your crime, that I thought I +would like to ask you a question. May I?' 'Certainly, sir.' 'Then why +did you commit the crime? What led you to it?' Then came such a pitiful +story. He said: 'I loved my wife, but I drank to excess. She was a good +woman; she never complained; come home when or how I might, she never +scolded. I think I never heard a sharp word from her. She would +sometimes look at me with such a pitying look that went to my heart; +sometimes it made me tender, and I would cry, and promise to do better; +at other times it would make me angry. I almost wished she would scold +me, rather than look at me with that patient earnestness. I knew I was +breaking her heart; but I was a slave to drink. Though I loved her, I +knew I was killing her. One day I came home drunk, and as I entered the +room I saw her sitting at the table, her face resting on her hand. Oh, +my God! I think I see her now! As I came in she lifted up her face; +there were tears there; but she smiled and said, "Well, William." I +remember just enough to know that I was mad. The devil entered into me. +I rushed into the kitchen, seized my gun, and deliberately shot her as +she sat by that table. I am in prison for life, and have no desire to be +released. If a pardon was offered me, I think I should refuse it. Buried +here in this prison, I wait till the end comes. I trust God has forgiven +me for Christ's sake. I have bitterly repented; I repent every day. Oh, +the nights when in the darkness I see her face--see her just as she +looked on me that fatal day! I shall rejoice when the time comes. I pray +that I may meet her in heaven.' This was said with sobbings and tears +that were heart-breaking to hear." + +"There goes me but for the grace of God!" "What, is thy servant a dog, +that he should do this great thing?" No! not a dog, but a young man or a +young woman who is liable to forget that "small habits well pursued +betimes may reach the dignity of crimes." If you do not measure your +liquor with as much care as strong medicine; if you are not on your +guard against those drinking habits of society and business which first +draw, then drag, and then haul--beware lest tyrant custom make you a +slave to what has been called "the most authentic incarnation of the +principle of evil." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +FURNISHING. + + "By wisdom is a house built; by understanding it is established; + and by knowledge the chambers are filled with all pleasant and + precious treasures."--_Solomon's Practical Wisdom._ + + "We cannot arrest sunsets nor carve mountains, but we may turn + every English home, if we choose, into a picture which shall be + no counterfeit, but the true and perfect image of life + indeed."--_Ruskin._ + + +A condition of pleasantness in a house has a real power in refining and +raising the characters of its inmates; so home should not only be a +haven of rest, peace, and sympathy, but should have an element of beauty +in all its details. Ugliness and discomfort blunt the sensibilities and +lower the spirits. D'Israeli said, "Happiness is atmosphere," and from +this point of view a few words about furnishing may not be out of place +in our inquiry as to how to be happy though married. Certainly the +fitting up and arranging of a home will not appear unimportant to those +who think with Dr. Johnson that it is by studying little things that we +attain the great art of having as little misery and as much happiness as +possible. "Pound St. Paul's church into atoms and consider any single +atom; it is, to be sure, good for nothing; but put these atoms together, +and you have St. Paul's church. So it is with human felicity, which is +made up of many ingredients, each of which may be shown to be very +insignificant." + +The expense of furnishing is often a source of considerable anxiety to +young people about to marry. We think, however, that this matrimonial +care is, or should be, much more lightly felt than in past years. +Competition has made furniture cheaper, and it is now considered "bad +form" to crowd rooms or to have in them the large heavy things that were +so expensive. Elegance displayed in little things is the order of the +day. A few light chairs of different sizes and shapes, a small lounge, +one or two little tables, the floor polished round the edges and covered +in the centre with a square of carpet, or, if the whole room be stained, +with Oriental rugs where required; the windows hung with some kind of +light drapery--what more do newly-married people require in their +drawing-room? Oh! we have forgotten the piano, and we suppose it is +inevitable, but it can easily be hired. + +It is a great gain for a young couple to be compelled to economize, for, +rich as they may become afterwards, habits of thrift never quite leave +them. Their furniture may be scanty and some of it not very new, but +common things can be prettily covered, and the dullest of rooms is set +off by the knick-knacks that came in so plentifully among the bridal +spoils. Besides, if they start with everything they want, there is +nothing to wish for, and no pleasure in adding to their possessions. +George Eliot has a subtle remark about the "best society, where no one +makes an invidious display of anything in particular, and the advantages +of the world are taken with that high-bred depreciation which follows +from being accustomed to them." + +No doubt there will be pictures and photographs, the hanging of which +occasions considerable discussion, and perhaps involves the first +serious divergence of opinion. We must remember, however, that it is +much better to have no pictures than bad ones, and that photographs of +scenery are rarely decorative. As regards one's relations when they are +really decorative, even Mr. Oscar Wilde can see no reason why their +photographs should not be hung on the walls, though he hopes that, if +called on to make a stand between the principles of domestic affection +and decorative art, the latter may have the first place. + +It is a safe rule to have nothing in our houses that we do not know to +be useful or think to be beautiful. We should show our love of art and +beauty in our surroundings, and bring it to bear in the selection of the +smallest household trifle. To have things tasteful and pretty costs no +more than to have them ugly; but it costs a great deal more trouble. +Simplicity, appropriateness, harmony of colour--these produce the best +results. When we enter a room, the first feeling ought to be, "How +comfortable!" and the second, as we glance quickly round to discover +_why_, ought to be, "How beautiful!" Not a touch too much nor too +little. The art is to conceal art. Directly affectation enters, beauty +goes out. But while there should be nothing bizarre in our method of +furnishing, rooms should reflect the individuality of their owners. They +should never look as if they were furnished by contract. People should +allow their own taste to have its way. Whatever we have, let it not be +flimsy, but good of its kind. Good things are cheapest in the end, and +it is economy to employ good dependable tradespeople. + +When he heard of the occurrence of some piece of mischief, George the +Fourth used to ask, "Who is _she_?" This question may be asked with much +more reason when we enter a pretty room. Who is she whose judgment and +fingers have so arranged these unconsidered trifles as to make out of +very little an effect so charming? Compare a bachelor's house with the +same house after its master has taken to himself a helpmate. "Bless +thee, Bottom! bless thee! thou art translated!" the friends of his +former state may well exclaim. Of course we are supposing the lady's +head to be furnished, for if that do not contain a certain amount of +common sense, good taste, and power of observation, the result will soon +be observed in her house. A drawing-room should be for use and not for +show merely, and should be furnished accordingly. It should be tidy, but +not painfully tidy. Self-respect should lead us to have things nice in +our homes, whether the eyes of company are to see them or not. It was +surely right of Robinson Crusoe to make his solitary cave look as smart +as possible. Who does not respect the wife whose dinner-table is +prettily adorned with flowers even on days when no one but her husband +has the honour of dining with her? + +To furnish the kitchen is a troublesome and unsatisfactory business. It +is unsatisfactory because one expends on kitchen utensils, which are +rather dear, a considerable amount of money without having much to show. +And it is troublesome to have to distinguish between the many implements +a cook really does require and those which she only imagines to be +necessary. Still, cook must be supplied with every appliance that is +really necessary. Without these there may be an expenditure of time out +of all proportion to her task. On the equipoise of that lady's temper +depends to a not inconsiderable extent the comfort of the house. Have in +the kitchen a good clock, and teach your servants to take a pleasure in +making sweet and bright their own special chambers. + +Our present sanitary ideas will tolerate no longer curtains on beds, or +heavy carpets on the floors of sleeping apartments. Both foster dust, +and dust conceals the germs of disease. That carpets are sometimes made +a too convenient receptacle for dust is evident from the answer that was +once given by a housemaid. Professing to have become converted to +religion, she was asked for a proof of the happy change, and thus +replied: "Now," she said, "I sweep _under_ the mats." For bedrooms there +should be narrow, separate, tight-woven strips of carpet around the bed +and in front of furniture only. These are easy to shake, and in every +sense in harmony with the simplicity and cleanliness which, if health is +to be preserved, must pervade the bedroom. The more air it contains the +better, and hence everything superfluous should be banished from it. But +we shall not specify the different things which, in our opinion, should, +or should not, be found in the several rooms of a house, for after all +it is the arrangement of furniture rather than the furniture itself that +makes the difference. + +If the question be asked, Is it better to pick up furniture at auctions +or to buy it in shops? we reply, Avoid auctions. Things are varnished up +to the eye, and it is seldom possible to examine them. So you generally +find on returning home from a sale that your purchases are by no means +what they seemed. + +As regards the expense of furnishing a small house such as young +housekeepers of the middle class usually hire when first they settle +down in life, this of course varies with circumstances, but even one +hundred pounds ought nearly to suffice. To estimate the cost rightly, +one should know the tastes of the people concerned, their social +position, the size of their house, and the style of the locality in +which they propose to live. Very good furniture can sometimes be +obtained secondhand, but one must be on their guard against "bargains" +that are worthless. There are certain articles, such as lamps, beds, and +bedding, that should as a general rule be purchased new. + +People are generally in too great haste when furnishing. They should be +prudent, deliberate, and wait with their eyes open until they see the +sort of things that will suit them. They should buy the most instantly +necessary articles first with ready money, and add to these as they can +afford it to carry out ideas formed by observation. They should buy what +can be easily replaced after legitimate wear and tear, what their +servants can properly attend to, and what will save labour and time. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +MARRIED PEOPLE'S MONEY. + + "Never treat money affairs with levity--money is character."--_Sir E. + Bulwer Lytton._ + + +A Scotch minister, preaching against the love of money, had frequently +repeated that it was "the root of all evil." Walking home from the +church one old person said to another, "An wasna the minister strang +upon the money?" "Nae doubt," said the other, and added, "Ay, but it's +grand to hae the wee bit siller in your hand when ye gang an errand." So +too, in spite of all that love-in-a-cottage theorists may say, "it's +grand to hae the wee bit siller" when marrying; unless, indeed, we +believe that mortality is one of the effects of matrimony as did the +girl, who, on meeting a lady whose service she had lately left, and +being asked, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?" answered, "Please, +ma'am, I don't live now--I'm married." To marry for love and work for +silver is quite right, but there should be a reasonable chance of +getting work to do and some provision for a rainy day. It is only the +stupidity which is without anxiety, that complacently marries on +"nothing a week; and that uncertain--very!" And yet such flying in the +face of Providence is often spoken of as being disinterested and heroic, +and the quiverfuls of children resulting from it are supposed to be +blessed. As if it were a blessing to give children appetites of hunger +and thirst, and nothing to satisfy them. + +On the other hand, there is some truth in the saying that "what will +keep one will keep two." There are bachelors who are so ultra-prudent, +and who hold such absurd opinions as to the expense of matrimony that, +although they have enough money they have not enough courage to enter +the state. Pitt used to say that he could not afford to marry, yet his +butcher's bill was so enormous that some one has calculated it as +affording his servants about fourteen pounds of meat a day, each man and +woman! For the more economical regulation of his household, if for no +other reason, he should have taken to himself a wife. + +Newly-married people should be careful not to pitch their rate of +expenditure higher than they can hope to continue it; and they should +remember that, as Lord Bacon said, "it is less dishonourable to abridge +petty charges (expenses) than to stoop to petty gettings." That was +excellent advice which Dr. Johnson gave to Boswell when the latter +inherited his paternal estate: "You, dear sir, have now a new station, +and have, therefore, new cares and new employments. Life, as Cowley +seems to say, ought to resemble a well-ordered poem; of which one rule +generally received is, that the exordium should be simple, and should +promise little. Begin your new course of life with the least show, and +the least expense possible; you may at pleasure increase both, but you +cannot easily diminish them. Do not think your estate your own, while +any man can call upon you for money which you cannot pay; therefore +begin with timorous parsimony. Let it be your first care not to be in +any man's debt." + +The thrifty wife of Benjamin Franklin felt it a gala day indeed when, by +long accumulated small savings, she was able to surprise her husband one +morning with a china cup and a silver spoon, from which to take his +breakfast. Franklin was shocked: "You see how luxury creeps into +families in spite of principles," he said. When his meal was over he +went to the store, and rolled home a wheelbarrow full of papers through +the streets with his own hands, lest folks should get wind of the china +cup, and say he was above his business. + +Although the creeping in of luxury is to be guarded against at the +commencement of married life, people should learn to grow rich +gracefully. It is no part of wisdom to depreciate the little elegances +and social enjoyments of our homes. Those who can afford it act wisely +when they furnish their houses with handsome furniture, cover the walls +with suggestive paintings, and collect expensive books, for these things +afford refined enjoyment. One day a gentleman told Dr. Johnson that he +had bought a suit of lace for his wife. _Johnson_: "Well, sir, you have +done a good thing, and a wise thing." "I have done a good thing," said +the gentleman, "but I do not know that I have done a wise thing." +_Johnson_: "Yes, sir, no money is better spent than what is laid out for +domestic satisfaction. A man is pleased that his wife is dressed as +well as other people; and a wife is pleased that she is dressed." + +We should be particular about money matters, but not penurious. The +penny soul never, it is said, came to twopence. There is that +withholdeth more than is meet, but it tendeth to poverty. People are +often saving at the wrong place, and spoil the ship for a halfpenny +worth of tar. They spare at the spigot, and let all run away at the +bunghole. + +She is the wise wife who can steer between penuriousness and such +recklessness as is described in the following cutting from an American +periodical. "My dear fellow," said Lavender, "it's all very nice to talk +about economizing and keeping a rigid account of expenses, and that sort +of thing, but I've tried it. Two weeks ago I stepped in on my way home +Saturday night, and I bought just the gayest little Russian leather, +cream-laid account-book you ever saw, and a silver pencil to match it. I +said to my wife after supper: 'My dear, it seems to me it costs a lot of +money to keep house.' She sighed and said: 'I know it does, Lavvy; but +I'm sure I can't help it. I'm just as economical as I can be. I don't +spend half as much for candy as you do for cigars.' I never take any +notice of personalities, so I sailed right ahead. 'I believe, my dear, +that if we were to keep a strict account of everything we spend we could +tell just where to cut down. I've bought you a little account-book, and +every Monday morning I'll give you some money, and you can set it down +on one side; and then, during the week, you can set down on the other +side everything you spend. And then on Saturday night we can go over it +and see just where the money goes, and how we can boil things down a +little.' Well, sir, she was just delighted--thought it was a first-rate +plan, and the pocket account-book was lovely--regular David Copperfield +and Dora business. Well, sir, the next Saturday night we got through +supper, and she brought out that account-book as proud as possible, and +handed it over for inspection. On one side was, 'Received from Lavvy, 50 +dols.' That's all right! Then I looked on the other page, and what do +you think was there? '_Spent it all!_' Then I laughed, and of course she +cried; and we gave up the account-book racket on the spot by mutual +consent. Yes, sir, I've been there, and I know what domestic economy +means, I tell you. Let's have a cigar." + +It is the fear of this sort of thing, and especially of extravagance in +reference to dress, that confirms many men in bachelorship. A society +paper tells us that at a recent dance given at the West-end, a married +lady of extravagant habits impertinently asked a wealthy old bachelor if +he remained single because he could not afford to keep a wife. "My +innocent young friend," was the reply, "I could afford to keep three; +but I'm not rich enough to pay the milliner's bills of one." + +A wife who puts conscience into the management of her husband's money +should not be obliged to account to him for the exact manner in which +she lays out each penny in the pound. An undue interference on his part +will cause much domestic irritation, and may have a bad influence on +social morals. + +In "Memoirs of the Life of Colonel Hutchinson," his wife says, "So +liberal was he to her, and of so generous a temper, that he hated the +mention of severed purses; his estate being so much at her disposal +that he never would receive an account of anything she expended." + +No one can feel dignified, free, and happy without the control of a +certain amount of money for the graces, the elegant adornments, and, +above all, for the charities of life. The hard-drawn line of simply +paying the bills closes a thousand avenues to gentle joys and pleasures +in a woman's daily life. + +We would advise all wives to strike the iron when hot, so to speak, by +getting their husbands, before the ardour of the honeymoon cools, to +give them an annual allowance. The little unavoidable demands on a +husband's purse, to which a wife is so frequently compelled to have +recourse, are very apt to create bickering and discord; and when once +good-humour is put out of the way, it is not such an easy matter to +bring it back again. + +A Chicago young lady, on being asked the usual question in which the +words "love, honour, and obey" occur, made the straightforward reply: +"Yes, I will, if he does what he promises me financially." The conduct +of some husbands almost justified this answer. + +As regards the important subject of Life Insurance there are few +husbands and fathers who can afford to be indifferent to the possibility +of making adequate and immediate provision for those dependent upon +them, in case of their sudden removal. + +This matter of Life Insurance should be settled before marriage, as well +as all other monetary and legal arrangements that have to be made either +with the wife that is to be, or with her relations, because +post-matrimonial business details may introduce notes of discord into +what might have been a harmonious home. "When I courted her, I took +lawyer's advice, and signed every letter to my love--'Yours, without +prejudice!'" It may not be necessary to be quite so cautious as the +lover who tells us this; but he was certainly right in transacting his +legal business before marriage rather than afterwards. + +"Do not accustom yourself to consider debt only as an inconvenience; you +will find it a calamity." Douglas Jerrold says that "the shirt of Nessus +was a shirt not paid for." Those who would be happy though married must +pitch their scale of living a degree below their means, rather than up +to them; but this can only be done by keeping a careful account of +income and expenditure. John Locke strongly advised this course: +"Nothing," he said, "is likelier to keep a man within compass than +having constantly before his eyes, the state of his affairs in a regular +course of account." The Duke of Wellington kept an accurate detailed +account of all the moneys received and expended by him. "I make a +point," he said, "of paying my own bills, and I advise every one to do +the same. Formerly I used to trust a confidential servant to pay them, +but I was cured of that folly by receiving one morning, to my great +surprise, dues of a year or two's standing. The fellow had speculated +with my money, and left my bills unpaid." Talking of debt, his remark +was, "It makes a slave of a man." Washington was as particular as +Wellington was in matters of business detail. He did not disdain to +scrutinize the smallest outgoings of his household, even when holding +the office of President of the American Union. + +When Maginn, always drowned in debt, was asked what he paid for his +wine, he replied that he did not know; but he believed they "put +something down in a book." This "putting down in a book" has proved the +ruin of a great many people. The regular weekly payment of tradesmen is +not only more honest, but far more economical. I know a wife who says +that she cannot afford to get into the books of tradesmen, and who +prides herself upon the fact that she will never haunt her husband after +her death in the shape of an unpaid bill. These principles will induce +married people to always try to have a fund reserved for sickness, the +necessity of a change of abode, and other contingencies. + +Perfect confidence as regards money matters should exist between married +people. In a letter to a young lady upon her marriage, Swift says, "I +think you ought to be well informed how much your husband's revenue +amounts to, and be so good a computer as to keep within it that part of +the management which falls to your share, and not to put yourself in the +number of those polite ladies who think they gain a great point when +they have teased their husbands to buy them a new equipage, a laced +head, or a fine petticoat, without once considering what long score +remained unpaid to the butcher." + +With regard to keeping up appearances it must be remembered that few +people can afford to disregard them entirely. A shabby hat that in a +rich man would pass for perhaps an amiable eccentricity, might +conceivably cause the tailor to send in his bill to a poorer customer. +In this matter, as in so many others, we may act from a right or from a +wrong motive. Nowhere is the attempt to keep up appearances more +praiseworthy than in the case of those who have to housekeep upon very +small incomes. The cotter's wife in Burns's poem who-- + + "Wi' her needle and her sheers, + Gars auld claes look amaist as weel's the new"-- + +deserves the title of heroine for her efforts to keep up appearances. + +But the senseless competition that consists in giving large +entertainments, the huge "meat-shows" which got under the name of +dinner-parties, have no tendency to promote true happiness. Homes are +made sweet by simplicity and freedom from affectation, and these are +also the qualities that put guests at their ease, and make them feel at +home. A Dublin lady took a world of trouble to provide a variety of +dishes, and have all cooked with great skill, for an entertainment she +was to give in honour of Dean Swift. But from the first bit that was +tasted she did not cease to undervalue the courses, and to beg +indulgence for the shortcomings of the cook. "Hang it," said Swift, +after the annoyance had gone on a little, "if everything is as bad as +you say, I'll go home and get a herring dressed for myself." + +I once heard of a lady, who, not being prepared for the unexpected +visitors, sent to the confectioner's for some tarts to help out the +dinner. All would have gone off well, but that the lady, wishing to keep +up appearances, said to the servant: "Ah! what are those tarts?" +"Fourpence apiece, ma'am," was the reply. + +There are thousands of women in these islands who cannot marry. But why +can they not marry? Because they have false notions about +respectability. And so long as this is the case, young men will do well +to decline the famous advice, "Marry early--yes, marry early, and marry +often." + +"Why," asked a Sussex labourer, "should I give a woman half my victuals +for cooking the other half?" Imagine the horror of this anti-matrimonial +reasoner if it were proposed that he should give half his victuals for +not cooking at all, or doing anything except keeping up appearances. "He +was reputed," says Bacon, "one of the wise men that made answer to the +question, when a man should marry? _A young man not yet, an elder man +not at all._" This answer would not appear so wise, if we had less +erroneous notions on the subject of keeping up appearances. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +THE MANAGEMENT OF SERVANTS. + + "A good mistress makes a good servant."--_Proverb._ + + +In England _materfamilias_ is always complaining of servant +difficulties. Those, however, who have lived in some of our colonies +know that the very thought of an English servant conveys a certain +soothing sensation to feelings that have been harassed by the +servants--if we may so name such tyrants--in these places. A friend of +mine in Bermuda wished to hire a nurse. One day, as she was sitting in +her verandah, a coloured person appeared before her and suggested, +laying great emphasis on the words in italics, "Are you the _woman_ that +wants a _lady_ to nurse your baby?" + +The servants in this and some other parts of the world consider +themselves not merely equal but much superior to their employers, and +there is a consequent difficulty in managing them. If you show any +disinclination to their giving to friends much of the food with which +you had hoped to sustain your family, they will disappear from your +establishment without giving the slightest warning. A servant wishes to +keep one or two members of her family in your house. If you dare to +object, your widely-spread reputation for meanness will prevent any +other servant applying for your situation for months. In a word, the +employers of these helpful beings are every day reminded of the servant +who said to his master: "I don't wish to be unreasonable, but I want +three things, sir: more wages, less work, and I should like to have the +keys of the wine-cellar." + +Though matters are not quite so bad at home, there are nevertheless many +much-tried masters and mistresses. Certainly some of them deserve to +suffer. They have not given the very least attention to the art of +managing servants. As parents spoil their children and wonder at the +results, so do these masters and mistresses their servants. At one time +they provoke them to anger about trifles, at other times they allow them +to do as they like. Now they treat them with extreme coldness, on other +occasions undue familiarity is permitted. In a word, they forget the +fact that there is a common human nature between the kitchen and the +parlour which must be admitted and well studied. + +The ancient Romans, though they were heathen, and though with them +servants meant slaves, included in the idea of _familia_ their servants +as well as their children. So, too, it was once amongst ourselves. +Servants used to "enter the family," and share to some degree its joys +and cares, while they received from it a corresponding amount of +interest and sympathy. All this is changed. Servants are now +rolling-stones that gather no moss either for themselves or their +employers. They never dream of considering themselves members of the +family, to stick to it as it to them through all difficulties not +absolutely overwhelming. To them "master" is merely the man who pays, +and "missis" the woman who "worrits." They think that they should change +their employers as readily as their dresses, and never imagine that +there could be between themselves and them any common interest. Only the +other day I heard of a lady who had in one year as many as fourteen +cooks! How could this mistress be expected to take any interest in or to +consider herself responsible for the well-being of such birds of +passage? + +And yet surely the heads of a household are nearly as responsible for +their servants as they are for their own children. We _are_ the keepers +of these our brothers and sisters, and are in a great measure guilty of +the vices we tempt them to commit. A lady was engaged in domestic +affairs, when some one rang the street-door bell, and the Roman Catholic +servant-girl was bidden to say that her mistress was not at home. She +answered, "Yes, ma'am, and when I confess to the priest, shall I confess +it as your sin or mine?" + +It is an unquestioned fact that many of the faults of servants are due +to a want of due care on the part of their mistresses, who put up with +badly-done work and make dishonesty easy by leaving things about. + +If we want really good servants we must make them ourselves; so even +from selfish motives we should do all we can to influence them for good. +But it is much easier to mar than to make, and with servants the +easiest way of doing this is to let them see that we are afraid of them. +People spoil their servants from fear oftener than from regard. Some are +afraid of the manner of their servants. They pass over many faults +because they do not like the sulky looks and impertinent reply with +which a rebuke is received. + +Fifty years ago servants might be allowed to consider the warning of +masters as a poor attempt at wit, as the Scotch coachman evidently did +who, on being dismissed, replied, "Na, na; I drove ye to your +christening, and I'll drive ye yet to your burial;" and the cook who +answered in similar circumstances, "It's nae use ava gieing me warning; +gif ye dinna ken when ye hae gotten a gude servant, I ken when I hae a +gude master." As, however, servants are now seldom attached to a family +by old associations they look upon the withdrawal of notice as a sign of +weakness, and give themselves airs accordingly. + +We should give our orders in a polite but firm manner, like one +accustomed to be obeyed. It sometimes simplifies matters considerably to +make a servant understand that she must either give in or go out. When +fault has to be found, let it be done sharply and once for all, but +nagging is dispiriting and intolerable. "Why do you desire to leave me?" +said a gentleman to his footman. "Because, to speak the truth, I cannot +bear your temper." "To be sure, I am passionate, but my passion is no +sooner on than it's off." "Yes," replied the servant, "but it's no +sooner off than it's on." Still we must never forget that the greatest +firmness is the greatest mercy. Here is an illustration. The Rev. H. +Lansdell tells us in his book "Through Siberia," that a Siberian friend +of his had a convict servant, whom he had sent away for drunkenness. The +man came back entreating that he might be reinstated, but his master +said, "No; I have warned you continually, and done everything I could to +keep you sober, but in vain." "Yes, sir," said the man; "but then, sir, +you should have given me a good thrashing." Many a servant girl has gone +to the bad because at some critical moment her mistress did not give her +a good tongue-thrashing. + +It cannot spoil tried servants to ask their opinion and advice on +certain occasions, but we should not expect them to think for us +altogether. To do this makes them as conceited as the Irish servant who +replied to his master when that inferior being suggested his views as to +the way some work should be done, "Well, sir, you may know best, but I +know better!" Still, it is well to let servants know as often as we +conveniently can the reason of our commands. This gives them an interest +in their work, and proves to them that they are not considered mere +machines. Never let a mistress be afraid of insisting upon that respect +which her position demands. In turn she can point out that every rank in +life has its own peculiar dignity, and that no one is more worthy of +respect than a good servant. We should feel just as thankful to our +servants for serving us, as we expect them to be for the shelter and +care of the home which we offer them. There is a perfectly reciprocal +obligation, and the manner of the employer must recognize it. "Whereas +thy servant worketh truly, entreat him not evil, nor the hireling that +bestoweth himself wholly for thee. Let thy soul love a good servant, and +defraud him not of liberty." We have no right to every moment of a +servant's time, and he or she will work all the better for an occasional +holiday. + +Those who feel that they are responsible for the character of their +servants will endeavour to provide them with innocent amusements. When +papers and books are read above stairs they might be sent down to the +kitchen. If this were done, literature of the "penny dreadful" +description would to a great extent be excluded. + +Many employers behave as if the laws of good manners did not apply to +their dealings with servants. Apparently they consider that servants +should not be allowed any feelings. This was not the opinion of +Chesterfield, who observes: "I am more upon my guard as to my behaviour +to my servants, and to others who are called my inferiors, than I am +towards my equals, for fear of being suspected of that mean and +ungenerous sentiment of desiring to make others feel that difference +which fortune has, perhaps too undeservedly, made between us." It is +difficult, perhaps, to strike the exact mean between superciliousness +and excessive familiarity, but we must make every effort to arrive at +it. There is nothing more keenly appreciated by servants than that +evenness of temper which respects itself at the same time that it +respects others. A lady visited a dying servant who had lived with her +for thirty years. "How do you find yourself to-day, Mary?" said her +mistress, taking hold of the withered hand which was held out. "Is that +you, my darling mistress?" and a beam of joy overspread the old woman's +face. "O yes!" she added, looking up, "it is you, my kind, my _mannerly_ +mistress!" + +Part of Miss Harriet Martineau's ideal of happiness was to have young +servants whom she might train and attach to herself. In later life, when +settled in a house of her own, she was in the habit of calling her maids +in the evening and pointing out to them on the map the operations of the +Crimean war, for she thought that young English women should take an +intelligent interest in the doings of their country. Mrs. Carlyle was +another tender mother-mistress to her servants, though her letters have +made the world acquainted with the incessant contests which she was +obliged to wage with "mutinous maids of all work" as Carlyle used to +call them. "One of these maids was untidy, useless in all ways, but +'abounding in grace,' and in consequent censure of every one above or +below her, and of everything she couldn't understand. After a long +apostrophe one day, as she was bringing in dinner, Carlyle ended with, +'And this I can tell you, that if you don't carry the dishes straight, +so as not to spill the gravy, so far from being tolerated in heaven, you +won't be even tolerated on earth.'" It was better to teach the poor +creature even in this rough way than not at all, that she ought to put +her religion into the daily round and common tasks of her business; that + + "A servant with this clause + Makes drudgery divine: + Who sweeps a room as for Thy laws + Makes that and the action fine." + +So much of the comfort of home depends upon servants that a wise +mistress studies them and values their co-operation. + + "She heedeth well their ways, + Upon her tongue the law of kindness dwells, + With wisdom she dispenses blame or praise, + And ready sympathy her bosom swells." + +She sees that their meals are regularly served, and that they are +undisturbed during the time set apart for them. She does not think that +any hole will do for a servant's bedroom. When caring for the children +that they may have their little entertainments and enjoyments to +brighten their lives, she includes the servants in the circle of her +sympathies; and is always on the watch to make them feel that they are +an integral part of the home, and that, if they have to work for it and +to bear its burden, they are not excluded from a real share in its +interests and joys. In a word, she feels for them and with them, and as +a rule they do their best for her. That servants are not always +ungrateful every good mistress is well aware. Among the inscriptions to +the early Christian martyrs found in the catacombs at Rome there is one +which proves that there were in those days, as no doubt there are now, +grateful servants. "Here lies Gordianus, deputy of Gaul, who was +murdered, with all his family, for the faith. They rest in peace. His +handmaid, Theophila, set up this." Gentle, loving Theophila! There was +no one left but thee to remember poor Gordianus, and perhaps his little +children, whom thou didst tend. + +In managing servants a little judicious praise is a wonderful incentive. +The Duke of Wellington once requested the connoisseur whom the author of +"Tancred" terms "the finest judge in Europe," to provide him a _chef_. +Felix, whom the late Lord Seaford was reluctantly about to part with on +economical grounds, was recommended and received. Some months afterwards +his patron was dining with Lord Seaford, and before the first course was +half over he observed, "So I find you have got the duke's cook to dress +your dinner." "I have got Felix," replied Lord S., "but he is no longer +the duke's cook. The poor fellow came to me with tears in his eyes, and +begged me to take him back again, at reduced wages or no wages at all, +for he was determined not to remain at Apsley House. 'Has the duke been +finding fault?' said I. 'Oh no, my lord, I would stay if he had; he is +the kindest and most liberal of masters; but I serve him a dinner that +would make Ude or Francatelli burst with envy, and he says nothing; I go +out and leave him to dine on a dinner badly dressed by the cookmaid, and +he says nothing. Dat hurt my feelings, my lord.'" + +On the vexed question of "visitors," mistresses might say to their +servants, "When we stay in a lady's house, we cannot ask visitors +without an invitation from our hostess, and we wish you to observe the +same courtesy towards us. When we think it advisable, we will tell you +to invite your friends, but we reserve to ourselves the right to issue +the invitation; and if your friends come to see you, we expect that you +shall ask our permission if you may receive them." A mistress who does +not forget the time when she used to meet her affianced thus writes. "I +always invite their confidence, and if I find any servants of my +household are respectably engaged to be married, I allow the young men +to come occasionally to the house, and perhaps on Christmas Day, or some +festival of the kind, invite them to dine in the kitchen, and I have +never yet found my trust misplaced. I should not like my own daughters +only to see their affianced husbands out of doors, and, though the +circumstances in the two cases differ materially, as a woman I consider +we ought to enter into the feelings of those other women who are serving +under us." + +Half the domestic difficulties arise from a want of honesty among +mistresses in the characters which they give each other of the servants +they discharge. Many a servant receives flattering recommendations who +does not deserve any better than the following: "The bearer has been in +my house a year--minus eleven months. During this time she has shown +herself diligent--at the house door; frugal--in work; mindful--of +herself; prompt--in excuses; friendly--towards men; faithful--to her +lovers; and honest--when everything had vanished." + +It is often advocated that training-schools should be established for +domestic servants, as a remedy to meet the domestic-servant difficulty. +But improvement must begin at the head. If we are to have +training-schools for domestic servants, the servants may very well say +that there ought to be a training-school for mistresses. To rule well is +even more difficult than to serve well. + +The mistress then should learn how and when everything ought to be done, +so that in the first place she can instruct, and, in the second, +correct, if her orders be not carried out. If she does any of the +household work herself, let it be to save keeping a servant, not to help +those she has. The more you do in the way of help, the worse very often +you are served. Let your servants understand that you also have your +duties, and that your object in employing them is to enable you to carry +on your work in comfort. So much have young women been spoiled by this +system of auxiliary labour, that one cook who came to be engaged asked +who was to fill her kitchen scuttle, as she would not do it herself. +Mistresses must unite in the interest of the servants themselves, as +much as in their own, to put down this sort of thing, for the demands +have become so insolent, that, as a smart little maid once expressed it, +"They're all wanting places where the work is put out." + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +PREPARATION FOR PARENTHOOD. + + "If a merchant commenced business without any knowledge of + arithmetic and book-keeping, we should exclaim at his folly and + look for disastrous consequences. Or if, before studying anatomy, + a man set up as a surgical operator, we should wonder at his + audacity and pity his patients. But that parents should begin the + difficult task of rearing children without ever having given a + thought to the principles--physical, moral, or + intellectual--which ought to guide them, excites neither surprise + at the actors nor pity for their victims."--_Herbert Spencer._ + + +Whether as bearing on the happiness of parents themselves, or as +affecting the characters and lives of their children, a knowledge of the +right methods of juvenile culture--physical, intellectual, and moral--is +a knowledge of extreme importance. This topic should be the final one in +the course of instruction passed through by each man and woman, but it +is entirely neglected. + +"If by some strange chance," says Mr. Herbert Spencer, "not a vestige of +us descended to the remote future save a pile of our school-books or +some college examination papers, we may imagine how puzzled an antiquary +of the period would be on finding in them no sign that the learners were +ever likely to be parents. "This must have been the _curriculum_ for +their celibates," we may fancy him concluding: "I perceive here an +elaborate preparation for many things, but I find no reference whatever +to the bringing up of children." They could not have been so absurd as +to omit all training for this gravest of responsibilities. Evidently, +then, this was the school-course of one of their monastic orders." + +Parents go into their office with zeal and good intentions, but without +any better knowledge than that which is supplied by the chances of +unreasoning custom, impulse, fancy, joined with the suggestions of +ignorant nurses and the prejudiced counsel of grandmothers. "Against +stupidity the gods themselves are powerless!" We all understand that +some kind of preparation is necessary for the merchant, the soldier, the +surgeon, or even for making coats and boots; but for the great +responsibility of parenthood all preparation is ignored, and people +begin the difficult task of rearing children without ever having given a +thought to the principles that ought to guide them. + +How fatal are the results! Who shall say how many early deaths of +children and enfeebled constitutions, implying moral and intellectual +weakness, are caused by ignorance on the part of parents of the +commonest laws of life? Every one can think of illustrations. Our +clothing is, in reference to the temperature of the body, merely an +equivalent for a certain amount of food, for by diminishing the loss of +heat, it diminishes the amount of fuel needful for maintaining heat. +Those parents cannot be aware of this who give their children scanty +clothing in order to harden them, or who only allow a dawdling walk +beside a grown-up person instead of the boisterous play which all young +animals require and which would produce warmth. + +Fathers who pride themselves on taking prizes at cattle-shows for their +sheep and pigs are not at all ashamed never to ascertain the best kind +of food for feeding children. They do not care if their children are fed +with monotonous food, though change of diet is required for the +preservation of health. + +And then as to the intellects of children. Ignorance puts books into +their hands full of abstract matter in those early years when the only +lessons they are capable of learning are those taught by concrete +objects. Not knowing that a child's restless observation and sense of +wonder are for a few years its best instructors, parents endeavour to +occupy its attention with dull abstractions. It is no wonder that few +grown-up people know anything about the beauties and wonders of nature. +During those years when the child should have been spelling out nature's +primer and pleasurably exercising his powers of observation, grammar, +languages, and other abstract studies have occupied most of his +attention. Having been "presented with a universal blank of nature's +works" he learns to see everything through books, that is, through other +men's eyes, and the greater part of his knowledge in after life consists +of mere words. + +We are aware that it will provoke laughter to hint that for the proper +bringing up of children a knowledge of the elementary principles of +physiology, psychology, and ethics are indispensable. May we not, +however, hold up this ideal of Mr. Herbert Spencer to ourselves and to +others? "Here are," he says, "the indisputable facts: that the +development of children in mind and body follows certain laws; that +unless these laws are in some degree conformed to by parents, death is +inevitable; that unless they are in a great degree conformed to, there +must result serious physical and mental defects, and that only when they +are completely conformed to can a perfect maturity be reached. Judge, +then, whether all who may one day be parents should not strive with some +anxiety to learn what these laws are." "I was not brought up, but +dragged up," said the poor girl in the tale; and she touched +unconsciously the root of nine-tenths of the vice and misery of the +world. + +Great as is the importance of some information, if children are to be +properly reared, still knowledge is by no means all that preparation for +parenthood should include. While Doctor Johnson was musing over the fire +one evening in Thrale's drawing-room, a young gentleman suddenly, and, +as Johnson seems to have fancied, somewhat disrespectfully, called to +him: "Mr. Johnson, would you advise me to marry?" _Johnson_ (angrily): +"Sir, I would advise no man to marry who is not likely to propagate +understanding." + +Would the doctor have extended this restriction to all men and women who +are not likely to propagate good bodies and souls? We know that there +are people whose misfortunes and vices will spoil and ruin, not merely +the lives of those they marry, but the lives of their children too. The +miserable inheritance of their imperfections will be transmitted to +coming generations. If it were only possible to keep all these people +single, those who will be living thirty years hence would be living in a +very different world from this. + +The only restriction public opinion now puts to any marriage is that it +should not be forbidden by the "Table of Kindred and Affinity" contained +in the Prayer Book. When will all improvident marriages be equally +illegal? When will scrofula, madness, drunkenness, or even bad temper +and excessive selfishness be considered as just causes and impediments +why parties should not be joined together in holy matrimony. Only the +best men and women of this generation--could these be discovered--should +become the parents of the next. + +It has been flippantly asked why we should consult the interests of the +next generation since the next generation has done nothing for us. The +answer is plain. We have no right to bequeath to it an heritage of woe. +Every man and woman can do much to make themselves worthy of the honour +and responsibility of being a parent. Let them preserve their health, +cultivate their social affections, and, above all, abstain from those +sins which science and bitter experience assure us are visited on +children. It is only when they do this that a new edition of themselves +is called for. + + "Who is the happy husband? He + Who, scanning his unwedded life, + Thanks Heaven, with a conscience free, + 'Twas faithful to his future wife." + +And who are the happy parents? Those who, scanning their unwedded lives, +thank Heaven they were faithful to future children. + +It is to be hoped that few men now are as careless or as ignorant of +consequences to children as was Mr. Tulliver in George Eliot's "Mill on +the Floss," when he picked his wife from her sisters "o' purpose, 'cause +she was a bit weak, like." We have come to see that, in order to be good +mothers, women must be very unlike Mrs. Pullet in the same story, who +was bent on proving her gentility and wealth by the delicacy of her +health, and the quantity of doctor's stuff she could afford to imbibe. + +But parents have not altogether given up sacrificing their own health +and the health of their children to the Moloch of fashion. They have not +quite ceased to burn incense to vanity. We have still to complain, as +did Frances Kemble, that the race is ruined for the sake of fashion. "I +cannot believe that women were intended to suffer as much as they do, +and be as helpless as they are, in child-bearing; but rather that both +are the consequences of our many and various abuses of our constitutions +and infractions of God's natural laws. Tight stays, tight garters, tight +shoes, and similar concessions to the vagaries of feminine fashion, are +accountable for many of the ills that afflict both mother and child." + +When King David was forbidden to build a temple for God's service +because he had shed blood abundantly, with noble self-forgetfulness he +laid up before his death materials with which Solomon his son might have +the honour of building it. If parents would imitate his example and lay +up the materials of good character and health, what glorious temples +they might erect to God in the bodies, minds, and souls of their +children! + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +"WHAT IS THE USE OF A CHILD." + + "A dreary place would be this earth + Were there no little people in it; + The song of life would lose its mirth + Were there no children to begin it. + + "No babe within our arms to leap, + No little feet toward slumber tending; + No little knee in prayer to bend, + Our lips the sweet words lending. + + "The sterner souls would grow more stern, + Unfeeling natures more inhuman, + And man to stoic coldness turn, + And woman would be less than woman. + + "Life's song, indeed, would lose its charm, + Were there no babies to begin it; + A doleful place this world would be, + Were there no little people in it."--_John Greenleaf Whittier._ + + +When Franklin made his discovery of the identity of lightning and +electricity, people asked, "Of what use is it?" The philosopher's retort +was: "What is the use of a child? It may become a man!" This +question--"What is the use of a child?" is not likely to be asked by our +young married friends in reference to the first miniature pledge who is +about to crown their wishes. They believe that one day he will become +"the guardian of the liberties of Europe, the bulwark and honour of his +aged parents." What a bond of union! What an incentive to tenderness! +That husband has an unfeeling disposition who does not find himself +irresistibly drawn by the new and tender tie that now exists. + +I hope I appreciate the value of children. We should soon come to +nothing without them. What is a house without a baby? It may be +comparatively quiet, but it is very dull. A childless home misses its +discipline and loses its music. + +Children are _not_ "certain sorrows and uncertain pleasures" when +properly managed. If some parents taste the stream bitter it is very +often they themselves who have poisoned the fountain. They treated their +children when very young merely as playthings, humouring every caprice, +and sacrificing to present fancies future welfare; then, when the charm +of infancy had passed, they commenced a system of restraint and +severity, and displayed displeasure and irritability at the very defects +of which they themselves laid the foundation. + +"In an evening spent with Emerson," says one who knew him, "he made one +remark which left a memorable impression on my mind. Two children of the +gentleman at whose house we met were playing in the room, when their +father remarked, 'Just the interesting age.' 'And at what age,' asked +Mr. Emerson, 'are children _not_ interesting?'" He regarded them with +the eye of a philosopher and a poet, and saw the possibilities that +surround their very being with infinite interest. Each of his own +children was for him a harbinger of sunny hours, an angel sent from God +with tidings of hope. + +Jeremy Taylor says, "No man can tell but he that loves his children how +many delicious accents make a man's heart dance in the pretty +conversation of those dear pledges; their childishness, their +stammering, their little angers, their innocence, their imperfections, +their necessities, are so many little emanations of joy and comfort to +him that delights in their persons and society." And what shall be said +of the man who does not love his children? That he, far more than the +unmusical man-- + + "Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils; + The motions of his spirit are dull as night, + And his affections dark as Erebus. + Let no such man be trusted." + +"Civic virtues, unless they have their origin and consecration in +private and domestic virtues, are but the virtues of the theatre. He who +has not a loving heart for his child, cannot pretend to have any true +love for humanity." + +"I do not wonder," said Dr. Arnold, "that it was thought a great +misfortune to die childless in old times, when they had not fuller +light--it seems so completely wiping a man out of existence." "Write ye +this man child-less." Cuvier's four children died before him. In his +sixty-seventh year we find Moore writing, "The last of our five children +is now gone, and we are left desolate and alone. Not a single relative +have I left now in the world." How Hallam was successively bereaved of +sons so rich in promise is well known. There is a touching gravestone in +the cloisters of Westminster Abbey with the inscription, "Jane Lister, +deare child, died Oct. 7, 1688." These parents knew only too well the +value of a child. + +A merchant in the city was accustomed to demand an excuse from his +clerks whenever they arrived late. The excuse given, he invariably +added, "Very well; but don't let it happen again." One morning a married +clerk, being behind time, was promptly interrogated as to the cause. +Slightly embarrassed, he replied, "The truth is, sir, I had an addition +to my family this morning, and it was not convenient to be here sooner." +"Very well," said the merchant, in his quick, nervous manner, "very +well; but don't let it happen again." + +There are people who think one, or, at most, two children, very well, +but they don't wish it to happen again and again. So frequently do +additions happen at Salt Lake City that nine families can, it is said, +fill the theatre. One must love children very much to see the use of +possessing the ninth part of a theatre-ful. And yet a family that is too +small is almost as great an evil as one that is too large. It may be +called a "large little family." Often an only child gives as much +trouble as a large family. Dr. Smiles tells us that a lady who, with her +husband, had inspected most of the lunatic asylums of England and the +Continent, found the most numerous class of patients was almost always +composed of those who had been only children, and whose wills had +therefore rarely been thwarted or disciplined in early life. + +What constitutes a large family? Upon this point there is much +difference of opinion. A poor woman was complaining one day that she did +not receive her proper share of charitable doles. Her neighbour Mrs. +Hawke, in the next court, came in for everything and "got more than ever +she was entitled to; for Mrs. Hawke had no family--not to speak of; only +nine." "Only nine! how many then have you?" was the natural rejoinder. +"Fourteen living," she replied. But even fourteen is not such a very +large number when one is used to it. Some one is said to have begun a +story of some trifling adventure which had befallen him with the words, +"As I was crossing Oxford Street the other day with fourteen of my +daughters"--Laughter followed, and the narrator never got beyond those +introductory words. We do not believe this anecdote, but if it were +true, was there not something heroic in the contented, matter-of-fact +way in which the man spoke of his belongings? "Fourteen of my +daughters!" An unsympathizing spectator might have said that any one +with such a following ought to have been crossing not Oxford Street, but +the Atlantic. + +A nursery-maid was leading a little child up and down a garden. "Is't a +laddie or a lassie?" asked the gardener. "A laddie," said the maid. +"Weel," said he, "I'm glad o' that, for there's ower mony women in the +world." "Heck, man," was the reply, "did ye no ken there's aye maist +sown o' the best crap?" This rejoinder was more ready than correct, for +as a matter of fact more boys are born than girls. It is natural for +parents to desire offspring of both sexes. Both are required to complete +a family. Being brought up together the boys acquire something of their +sisters' delicacy and tact, while the girls learn something of their +brothers' self-reliance and independence. + +"Desire not a multitude of unprofitable children, neither delight in +ungodly sons. Though they multiply, rejoice not in them, except the fear +of the Lord be with them. Trust not thou in their life, neither respect +their multitude: for one that is just is better than a thousand; and +better it is to die without children, than to have them that are +ungodly." In reference to children quality is far more to be desired +than quantity. Without accepting pessimism, we may deny that the mere +propagation of the human race is an object which presents itself as in +itself a good. The chief end of man is not simply to have "the hope and +the misfortune of being," but to glorify God and to serve humanity. What +is the use of a child who is likely to do neither? + +If it be the will of God to withhold offspring from a young couple, +nothing should be said either by the husband or wife that could give the +other pain on the subject. To do so is more than reprehensible; it is +odious and contemptible. How unlike Elkanah, when, with sentiments at +once manly and tender, he thus addresses his weeping wife--"Hannah, why +weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am +not I better to thee than ten sons?" + + "We, ignorant of ourselves, + Beg often our own harms which the wise powers + Deny us for our good; so find we profit + By losing of our prayers." + +Writing on this subject a lady tells us that she had a relation who was +married some years without having a child. Her feelings partook not only +of grief, but of anguish: at length, a lovely boy was granted her. +"Spare, O God, the life of _my blessing_," was her constant prayer. Her +blessing _was_ spared: he grew to the years of manhood; squandered a +fine fortune; married a servant-maid; and broke his mother's heart! + +Another intimate friend of the author's was inconsolable for not having +children. At length, the prospect of her becoming a mother was certain, +and her joy was extreme. The moment of trial arrived: for four days and +nights her sufferings and torture were not to be allayed by medical +skill or human aid. At length her cries ceased; and, at the same moment +that she gave birth to _two_ children, she herself had become a corpse. +"Give me children," said the impatient and weeping Rachel, "or else I +die" (Gen. XXX. 1). Her prayer was heard, and in giving birth to her boy +the mother expired. + +Another impassioned mother, as she bent over the bed of her sick infant, +called out, "Oh, no; I _cannot_ resign him. It is impossible; I _cannot_ +resign him." A person present, struck with her words, noted them down in +a daily journal which he kept. The boy recovered; and that day +one-and-twenty years he was hanged as a murderer! + +How terrible it is when a much-desired child is born to a comparatively +useless existence by reason of some deficiency or deformity. Very +touching is the story of a lady who, though deaf and dumb, became the +wife of an earl through her beauty. In due course the king o' the world, +the baby, presented himself--a fine child, of course, and a future earl. +Soon after its birth, as the nurse sat watching the babe, she saw the +countess mother approach the cradle with a huge china vase, lift it +above the head of the sleeping child, and poise it to dash it down. +Petrified with horror, wondering at the strange look of the mother's +face, the nurse sat powerless and still; she dared not even cry out; she +was not near enough to throw herself between the victim and the blow. +The heavy mass was thrown down with a tremendous force and crash on the +floor beside the cradle, and the babe awoke terrified and screaming, +clung to his delighted mother, who had made the experiment to discover +whether her child had the precious gift of voice and hearing, or was +like herself, a mute. + +In his "Bachelor's Complaint of the Behaviour of Married People," +Charles Lamb speaks of "the airs which these creatures give themselves +when they come, as they generally do, to have children. When I consider +how little of a rarity children are--that every street and blind alley +swarms with them--that the poorest people commonly have them in most +abundance--that there are few marriages that are not blest with at least +one of these bargains--how often they turn out ill and defeat the fond +hopes of their parents, taking to vicious courses, which end in poverty, +disgrace, the gallows, &c.--I cannot for my life tell what cause for +pride there can possibly be in having them. If they were young +phoenixes, indeed, that were born but one in a hundred years, there +might be a pretext. But when they are so common----" + +It is, however, far better for married people to take pride in their +children than to be as indifferent to them as was a certain old lady who +had brought up a family of children near a river. A gentleman once said +to her, "I should think you would have lived in constant fear that some +of them would have got drowned." "Oh no," responded the old lady, "we +only lost three or four in that way." + +What is the use of a child? Not very much unless its parents accept it, +not as a plaything, much less as a nuisance, but as a most sacred +trust--a talent to be put to the best account. It is neither to be +spoiled nor buried in the earth--how many careless mothers do this +literally!--but to be made the most of for God and for man. Perhaps +there was only One who perfectly understood the use of a child. "Suffer +the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is +the kingdom of God." In some lines to a child Longfellow has well +answered the question we have been considering. + + "Enough! I will not play the Seer; + I will no longer strive to ope + The mystic volume, where appear + The herald Hope, forerunning Fear, + And Fear, the pursuivant of Hope. + Thy destiny remains untold." + +In the next chapter we shall point out how useful children are in +educating their parents. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +THE EDUCATION OF PARENTS. + + "O dearest, dearest boy! my heart + For better lore would seldom yearn, + Could I but teach the hundredth part + Of what from thee I learn."--_Wordsworth._ + + "How admirable is the arrangement through which human beings are + led by their strongest affections to subject themselves to a + discipline they would else elude."--_Herbert Spencer._ + + +"My friend," said an old Quaker, to a lady who contemplated adopting a +child, "I know not how far thou wilt succeed in educating her, but I am +quite certain she will educate you." How encouraging and strengthening +it should be for parents to reflect that, in training up their children +in the way they should go, they are at the same time training up +themselves in the way _they_ should go; that along with the education of +their children their own higher education cannot but be carried on. In +"Silas Marner," George Eliot has shown how by means of a little child a +human soul may be redeemed from cold, petrifying isolation; how all its +feelings may be freshened, rejuvenated, and made to flutter with new +hope and activity. + +Very simple is the pathos of this matchless work of art. Nothing but the +story of a faithless love and a false friend and the loss of trust in +all things human or divine. Nothing but the story of a lone, bewildered +weaver, shut out from his kind, concentrating every baulked passion into +one--the all-engrossing passion for gold. And then the sudden +disappearance of the hoard from its accustomed hiding-place, and in its +stead the startling apparition of a golden-haired little child found one +snowy winter's night sleeping on the floor in front of the glimmering +hearth. And the gradual reawakening of love in the heart of the solitary +man, a love "drawing his hope and joy continually onward beyond the +money," and once more bringing him into sympathetic relations with his +fellow men. "In old days," says the story, "there were angels who came +and took men by the hand and led them away from the city of destruction. +We see no white-winged angels now. But yet men are led away from +threatening destruction; a hand is put into theirs which leads them +forth gently towards a calm and bright land, so that they look no more +backward, and the hand may be a little child's." + +Children renew the youth of their parents and enable them to mount up +with wings as eagles, instead of becoming chained to the rock of +selfishness. We do not believe that "all children are born good," for it +is the experience of every one that the evil tendencies of fathers are +visited upon their children unto the third and fourth generation. +Nevertheless all men are exhorted by the highest authority to follow +their innocency, which is great indeed as compared to _our_ condition +who-- + + "Through life's drear road, so dim and dirty, + Have dragged on to three-and-thirty." + +"Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he +shall not enter therein." Evil tendencies are checked and good ones are +educated or drawn out by children, for they call to remembrance-- + + "Those early days, when I + Shined in my angel-infancy, + Before I taught my tongue to wound + My conscience with a sinful sound, + Or had the black art to dispense + A several sin to every sense, + But felt through all this fleshly dress + Bright shoots of everlastingness." + +When daily farther from the east--from God who is our home--we have +travelled, children are sent to recall us or at least to make us long +"to travel back, and tread again that ancient track." + +Whatever we attempt to teach children we must first practise ourselves. +Whatever a parent wishes his child to avoid he must make up his mind to +renounce, and, on the other hand, if we leave off any good habit, we +need not expect our children to continue it. Only the other day I heard +a boy of five say to his father, "You must not be cross, for if you are, +I shall be that when I grow up." "Mother," said a small urchin, who had +just been saying his prayers at her knees; "Mother, when may I leave off +my prayers?" "Oh, Tommy, what a notion! What do you mean?" "Well, +mother, father never says his prayers, and I thought I was old enough to +leave them off." + +In young children the capacity for mimicry is very strong. They imitate +whatever they see done by their elders. How wrong, then, is it for +people to say or do before even a very young child what they would not +say or do before an adult, supposed to be more observant! We must not +say, "Oh, there's no one present but the child," for "the child" is +reading, marking, and inwardly digesting character as it is exhibited in +words, looks, and deeds. For the sake, then, of their children, if not +for their own sakes, parents should seek to be very self-restrained, +truthful, and, above all things, just. Right habits are imparted to +children almost as easily as wrong ones. + +The education of parents begins from the day their first child is born. +A young man and woman may be selfish and egotistical enough until the +"baby" comes as a teacher of practical Christianity into their home. Now +they have to think of somebody beside themselves, to give up not a few +of their comforts and individual "ways," for the one important thing in +the house is King "Baby." If they really love their children, parents +will become truthful in act as well as in word, knowing that truthful +habits must be learned in childhood or not at all. They will be so just +that "You'r' not fair" will never be rightly charged against them. And, +as regards sympathy, they will try to be the friends and companions in +sorrow and in joy as well as the parents of their children. + +Nor is it only the moral nature that is developed in the school of +parenthood. Even to attempt to answer the wise questions of children is +a task difficult enough to afford healthy exercise to the greatest +minds. When a child begins to cross-examine its parents as to why the +fire burns, how his carte-de-visite was taken, how many stars there are, +why people suffer, why God does not kill the devil--grown-up ignorance +or want of sympathy too often laughs at him, says that children should +not ask tiresome questions, and not only checks the inquiring spirit +within him, but misses the intellectual improvement that would have come +from endeavouring to answer his questions. + +"Little people should be seen and not heard" is a stupid saying, which +makes young observers shy of imparting to their elders the things that +arrest their attention. Children would gladly learn and gladly teach, +but if they are frequently snubbed they will do neither. Men such as +Professor Robinson of Edinburgh, the first editor of the "Encyclopĉdia +Britannica," have not been above receiving intellectual improvement and +pleasure from a little child. "I am delighted," he wrote in reference to +his grandchild, "with observing the growth of its little soul, and +particularly with its numberless instincts, which formerly passed +unheeded. I thank the French theorists for more forcibly directing my +attention to the finger of God, which I discern in every awkward +movement and every wayward whim. They are all guardians of his life and +growth and power. I regret indeed that I have not time to make infancy +and the development of its powers my sole study." + +Some parents seem to imagine that they sufficiently perform their duty +when they give their children a good education. They forget that there +is the education of the fireside as well as of the school. At schools +and academies there is no cultivation of the affections, but often very +much of the reverse. Hence the value to the young of kindly home +influences that touch the heart and understanding. + +Among the poems of George Macdonald are the following pretty and playful +lines called simply "The Baby"-- + + "Where did you come from, baby dear? + Out of the everywhere into here. + Where did you get your eyes so blue? + Out of the skies as I came through. + What makes your forehead smooth and high? + A soft hand stroked it as I went by. + What makes your cheek like a warm white rose? + I saw something better than any one knows. + Whence that three-cornered smile of bliss? + Three angels gave me at once a kiss. + Where did you get that coral ear? + God spoke, and it came out to hear. + Where did you get those arms and hands? + Love made itself into bonds and bands. + Whence came your feet, dear little things? + From the same box as the cherubs' wings. + How did they all first come to be you? + God thought about me, and so I grew. + But how did you come to us, you dear? + God thought about you, and so I am here. + +Yes, God is thinking about our highest interests when He sends children +to us. They are sent as little missionaries to turn us from evil and to +develop within us the Divine image. When we see sin stirring in our +children, no stroke seems too heavy to crush the noxious passion before +it grows to fell dimensions and laughs to scorn the sternest +chastisement. Heaven is saying to us, "Physician, heal thyself; strike +hard, strike home; purge thine own heart of the evil. Lest your +children should suffer, restrain your temper, curb your passions, master +your unholy desires." + +This, then, is one of the most important reasons why God "setteth the +solitary in families." He desires not only that they should train up +children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, but also that they +may by doing so be brought to Him themselves. When the day of account +comes, after life's brief stormy passage is over, He wishes them to be +able to say, "Here am I, for I have been educated by the children whom +Thou hast given me." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +WANTED!--MOTHERS. + + "There are comparatively very few women not replete with maternal + love; and, by the by, take you care if you meet with a girl who + '_is not fond of children_,' not to marry her _by any means_. + Some few there are who even make a boast that they 'cannot bear + children,' that is, cannot _endure_ them. I never knew a man that + was good for _much_ who had a dislike to little children; and I + never knew a woman of that taste who was good for anything at + all. I have seen a few such in the course of my life, and I have + never wished to see one of them a second time."--_Cobbett's + "Advice to Young Men."_ + + +Napoleon Buonaparte was accustomed to say that "the future good or bad +conduct of a child depended entirely on the mother." In the course of a +conversation with Madame Campan he remarked: "The old systems of +instruction seem to be worth nothing; what is yet wanting in order that +the people should be properly educated?" "Mothers," replied Madame +Campan. The reply struck the emperor. "Yes!" said he, "here is a system +of education in one word. Be it your care, then, to train up mothers +who shall know how to educate their children." + +"She who rocks the cradle rules the world," for she it is who guides and +trains the opening minds of those who shall influence the coming +generation. In its earliest years, the mother's every look, tone of +voice, and action, sink into the heart and memory of her child and are +presently reproduced in its own life. From this point of view the throne +of motherhood ought, as Madame Lĉtitia Buonaparte believed, to take +precedence of that of kings. When her son, on becoming an emperor, half +playfully, half gravely offered her his hand to kiss, she flung it back +to him indignantly, saying, in the presence of his courtiers, "It is +your duty to kiss the hand of her who gave you life." + +No wonder that a good mother has been called nature's _chef d'oeuvre_, +for she is not only the perfection of womanhood, but the most beautiful +and valuable of nature's productions. To her the world is indebted for +the work done by most of its great and gifted men. As letters cut in the +bark of a young tree grow and widen with age, so do the ideas which a +mother implants in the mind of her talented child. Thus Scott is said to +have received his first bent towards ballad literature from his mother's +and grandmother's recitations in his hearing long before he himself had +learned to read. Goethe owed the bias of his mind and character to his +mother, who possessed in a high degree the art of stimulating young and +active minds, instructing them in the science of life out of the +treasures of her abundant experience. After a lengthened interview with +her a traveller said, "Now do I understand how Goethe has become the +man he is." Goethe himself affectionately cherished her memory. "She was +worthy of life!" he once said of her; and when he visited Frankfort, he +sought out every individual who had been kind to his mother, and thanked +them. The poet Gray was equally grateful to his mother. On the memorial +which he erected over her remains he described her as "the careful, +tender mother of many children, one of whom alone had the misfortune to +survive her." In a corner of his room there was a trunk containing the +carefully folded dresses of his dead mother, whom he never mentioned +without a sigh. + +When a mother once asked a clergyman when she should begin the education +of her child, then four years old, he replied: "Madam, if you have not +begun already, you have lost those four years. From the first smile that +gleams upon an infant's cheek, your opportunity begins." Cowper's mother +must have well used this opportunity considering the impression her +brief companionship made upon the poet. She died when he was six years +old, and yet in after-life he could say that not a week passed in which +he did not think of her. When his cousin one day presented him with a +portrait of his mother he said: "I had rather possess that picture than +the richest jewel in the British crown; for I loved her with an +affection that her death, fifty-two years since, has not in the least +abated." Surely it is better for a mother to merit such love than to +leave the care of her children almost entirely to servants because all +her time is occupied "serving divers lusts and pleasures." + +"Give your child to be educated by a slave," said an ancient Greek, "and +instead of one slave, you will then have two." On the other hand, "happy +is he whom his mother teacheth." One good mother is worth a hundred +nurses or teachers. If from any cause, whether from necessity, or from +indolence, or from desire for company, children are deprived of a +mother's care, instruction, and influence, it is an incalculable loss. + +Curran spoke with great affection of his mother, as a woman of strong +original understanding, to whose wise counsel, consistent piety, and +lessons of honourable ambition, which she diligently enforced on the +minds of her children, he himself principally attributed his success in +life. "The only inheritance," he used to say, "that I could boast of +from my poor father, was the very scanty one of an unattractive face and +person, like his own; and if the world has ever attributed to me +something more valuable than face or person, or than earthly wealth, it +was because another and a dearer parent gave her child a portion from +the treasure of her mind." + +Mrs. Wesley, the mother of John Wesley, made it a rule to converse alone +with one of her little ones every evening, listening to their childish +confessions, and giving counsel in their childish perplexities. She was +the patient teacher as well as the cheerful companion of her children. +When some one said to her, "Why do you tell that blockhead the same +thing twenty times over?" she replied, "Because if I had told him only +nineteen times I should have lost all my labour." So deep was the hold +this mother had on the hearts of her sons, that in his early manhood she +had tenderly to rebuke John for that "fond wish of his, to die before +she died." It was through the bias given by her to her sons' minds in +religious matters that they acquired the tendency which, even in early +years, drew to them the name of Methodists. In a letter to her son, +Samuel, when a scholar at Westminster, she said: "I would advise you as +much as possible to throw your business into a certain _method_, by +which means you will learn to improve every precious moment, and find an +unspeakable facility in the performance of your respective duties." This +"method" she went on to describe, exhorting her son "in all things to +act upon principle;" and the society which the brothers John and Charles +afterwards founded at Oxford is supposed to have been in a great measure +the result of her exhortations. + +The example of such mothers as Lord Byron's serves for a warning, for it +shows that the influence of a bad mother is quite as hurtful as that of +a good one is beneficial. She is said to have died in a fit of passion, +brought on by reading her upholsterer's bills. She even taunted her son +with his personal deformity; and it was no unfrequent occurrence, in the +violent quarrels which occurred between them, for her to take up the +poker or tongs, and hurl them after him as he fled from her presence. It +was this unnatural treatment that gave a morbid turn to Byron's +after-life; and, careworn, unhappy, great, and yet weak as he was, he +carried about with him the mother's poison which he had sucked in his +infancy. Hence he exclaims, in "Childe Harold"-- + + "Yet must I think less wildly:--I have though + Too long and darkly, till my brain became, + In its own eddy boiling and o'erwrought, + A whirling gulf of phantasy and flame: + And thus, _untaught in youth my heart to tame_, + _My springs of life were poisoned_," + +In like manner, though in a different way, the character of Mrs. Foote, +the actor's mother, was curiously repeated in the life of her joyous, +jovial-hearted son. Though she had been heiress to a large fortune, she +soon spent it all, and was at length imprisoned for debt. In this +condition she wrote to Sam, who had been allowing her a hundred a year +out of the proceeds of his acting: "Dear Sam, I am in prison for debt; +come and assist your loving mother, E. Foote." To which her son +characteristically replied--"Dear mother, so am I; which prevents his +duty being paid to his loving mother by her affectionate son, Sam +Foote." + +Mothers ought not to deceive themselves so far as to think that when +they over-indulge their children they are exhibiting genuine mothers' +love. In reality they are merely shifting their method of self-pleasing. +We believe the love of God to be the supreme love; but have we ever +reflected that in that awful love of God for His poor children of clay +there must be mingled at once infinite tenderness and pity, and at the +same time a severity which never shrinks from any suffering needed to +recall us from sin? This is the ideal of all love towards which we +should strive to lift our poor, feeble, short-sighted, selfish +affections; and which it above all concerns a parent to strive to +translate into the language of human duty. This is the truest love, the +love which attaches itself to the very soul of the child, which repents +with it, with tears bitterer than its own, for its faults, and, while +heaping on it so far as may be every innocent pleasure, never for an +instant abandons the thought of its highest and ultimate welfare. + +The loving instruction of a mother may seem to have been thrown away, +but it will appear after many days. "When I was a little child," said a +good old man, "my mother used to bid me kneel down beside her, and place +her hand upon my head while she prayed. Ere I was old enough to know her +worth she died, and I was left too much to my own guidance. Like others, +I was inclined to evil passions, but often felt myself checked and, as +it were, drawn back by a soft hand upon my head. When a young man I +travelled in foreign lands, and was exposed to many temptations; but, +when I would have yielded, that same hand was upon my head, and I was +saved. I seemed to feel its pressure as in the happy days of infancy; +and sometimes there came with it a voice in my heart, a voice that was +obeyed: 'Oh do not this wickedness, my son, nor sin against God.'" + +With children you must mix gentleness with firmness. "A man who is +learning to play on a trumpet and a petted child are two very +disagreeable companions." If a mother never has headaches through +rebuking her little children, she shall have plenty of heartaches when +they grow up. At the same time, a mother should not hamper her child +with unnecessary, foolish restrictions. It is a great mistake to fancy +that your boy is made of glass, and to be always telling him not to do +this and not to do that for fear of his breaking himself. On the +principle never to give pain unless it is to prevent a greater pain, you +should grant every request which is at all reasonable, and let him see +that your denial of a thing is for his own good, and not simply to save +trouble; but once having settled a thing hold to it. Unless a child +learns from the first that his mother's yea is yea, and her nay nay, it +will get into the habit of whining and endeavouring to coax her out of +her refusal, and her authority will soon be gone. + +Unselfish mothers must be careful not to make their children selfish. +The mother who is continually giving up her own time, money, strength, +and pleasure for the gratification of her children teaches them to +expect it always. They learn to be importunate in their demands and to +expect more and more. If the mother wears an old dress that her idle son +may have a new coat, if she works that he may play, she is helping to +make him vain, selfish, and good-for-nothing. The wise mother will +insist upon being the head of her household, and with quiet unobtrusive +dignity she will hold that place. She should never become the subject of +her own children. Even in such mere external matters as dress and +furniture her life should be better equipped. The crown should be on her +head, not on theirs. Thus from babyhood they should be habituated to +look up to, not down on, their mother. She should find time, or make it, +to care for her own culture; to keep her intellectual and her art nature +alive. The children may advance beyond her knowledge; let her look to it +that they do not advance beyond her intellectual sympathies. Woe to both +her and them if she does not keep them well in sight! + +Happiness is the natural condition of every normal child, and if the +small boy or girl has a peculiar facility for any one thing, it is for +self-entertainment. One of the greatest defects in our modern method of +treating children is to overload them with costly and elaborate toys, by +which we cramp their native ingenuity or perhaps force their tastes into +the wrong channel. The children of the humbler and the unpampered +classes are far happier than are those children whose created wants are +legion and require a fortune for their satisfaction. + +Some mothers believe that they are exhibiting the proper "maternal +feelings" in keeping their children at home when they should send them +forth into the world, where alone they can be taught the virtue of +self-dependence. A time will come when the active young man who is +checked by foolish fondness will exclaim with bitterness-- + + "Prison'd and kept, and coax'd and whistled to-- + Since the good mother holds me still a child, + Good mother is bad mother unto me! + A worse were better!" + +Far more truly loving is the mother who sends her son into the battle of +life preferring anything for him rather than a soft, indolent, useless +existence. Such a mother is like those Spartan mothers who used to say +to their sons as they handed to them their shields, "With it or upon it, +my son!" Better death than dishonour was also the feeling of the mother +of the successful missionary William Knibb. Her parting words to him +were "William, William! mind, William, I had rather hear that you had +perished at sea, than that you had dishonoured the Society you go to +serve." + +Never promise a child and then fail to perform, whether you promise him +a bun or a beating, for if once you lose your child's confidence you +will find it all but impossible to regain it. Happy is the mother who +can say, "I never told my child a lie, nor ever deceived him, even for +what seemed his good." Robert Hall once reproved a young mother because, +in putting a little baby to bed, she put on her own nightcap, and lay +down by it till it went to sleep. "Madam," said the eloquent preacher, +"you are acting a lie, and teaching the child to lie." It was in vain +that the mother pleaded that the child would not go to sleep. "That," +said Hall, "is nonsense. Properly brought up it must sleep. Make it know +what you want; obedience is necessary on its part, but not a lie on +yours." + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + +"NURSING FATHERS." + + "And kings shall be thy nursing fathers."--_Isaiah_ xlix. 23. + + +It is an old saying, "Praise the child and you make love to the mother;" +and it is a thing that no husband ought to overlook, for if the wife +wish her child to be admired by others, what must be the ardour of her +wishes with regard to _his_ admiration! Cobbett tells us that there was +a drunken man in his regiment, who used to say that his wife would +forgive him for spending all the pay, and the washing money into the +bargain, "if he would but kiss her ugly brat, and say it was pretty." +Though this was a profligate he had philosophy in him; and certain it is +that there is nothing worthy of the name of conjugal happiness unless +the husband clearly evince that he is fond of his children. + +Where you find children loving and helpful to their mothers, you +generally find their father at the bottom of it. If the husband respect +his wife the children will respect their mother. If the husband rises to +offer her a chair, they will not sit still when she enters the room; if +he helps to bear her burdens, they will not let her be the pack-horse of +the household. If to her husband the wife is but an upper servant, to +her children she will easily become but a waiting-maid. The first care +of the true, wise husband will be to sustain the authority of the wife +and mother. It must be a very remarkable exigency which allows him to +sit as a court of appeal from her decisions, and reverse them. But +although husbands ought not to vexatiously interfere with their wives in +the management of children, especially of young children, still they +must not shirk their share of care and responsibility. It was not +without reason that Diogenes struck the father when the son swore, +because he had taught him no better. + +There is no effeminacy in the title "nursing fathers," but the contrary. +Fondness for children arises from compassionate feeling for creatures +that are helpless and innocent. + +Napoleon loved the man who held with a steel hand, covered with a silk +glove; so should the father be gentle but firm. Happy is he who is happy +in his children, and happy are the children who are happy in their +father. All fathers are not wise. Some are like Eli, and spoil their +children. Not to cross our children is the way to make a cross of them. +But, "Ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath." That is, do not +irritate them by unwise or capricious rules and ways. Help your wives to +make the home lively and pleasant, so as to keep the children from +seeking pleasure and excitement elsewhere. The proverb says that +"Clergymen's sons always turn out badly." Why? Because the children are +surfeited with severe religion, _not_ with the true religion of Christ, +who was Himself reproved by the prototypes of such severe men. + +"Where," asks Mr. James Payn, "is the children's fun? Boys are now +crammed with knowledge like turkeys (but unfortunately not killed at +Christmas), and there is absolutely no room in them for a joke." An idol +called "success" is put up for worship, and fathers are ready to +sacrifice the health and happiness of their children upon its altar. +"The educational abomination of desolation of the present day," says +Professor Huxley, "is the stimulation of young people to work at high +pressure by incessant examinations." Some wise man (who probably was not +an early riser) has said of early risers in general, that they are +"conceited all the forenoon, and stupid all the afternoon." Now whether +this is true of early risers in the common acceptation of the word or +not, I will not pretend to say; but it is too often true of the unhappy +children who are forced to rise too early in their classes. They are +"conceited all the forenoon of life, and stupid all its afternoon." How +much unhappiness might children be spared if fathers would goad them +less, and sometimes cheer up that dulness which has fallen to most of +us, by saying: + + "Be good, dear child, and let who will be clever; + Do noble things--nor dream them all day long; + And so make life, death, and that vast for ever + One grand, sweet song." + +What to do with our boys and girls is certainly a serious question, but +the last thing we should do with them is to make them miserable. Why not +disregard all false notions of gentility, and have each child well +taught a manual trade? Then they will have riches in their arms, and you +will have escaped the unpleasant alternative of the Jewish proverb, +which says that he who does not teach his son a trade teaches him to +steal. + +We give here a sketch of Canon Kingsley as a father, because we do not +remember any home life more beautiful and instructive. Because the +Rectory-house was on low ground, the rector of Eversley, who considered +violation of the divine laws of health a sort of acted blasphemy, built +his children an outdoor nursery on the "Mount," where they kept books, +toys, and tea things, spending long, happy days on the highest and +loveliest point of moorland in the glebe; and there he would join them +when his parish work was done, bringing them some fresh treasure picked +up in his walk, a choice wild-flower or fern or rare beetle, sometimes a +lizard or a field-mouse; ever waking up their sense of wonder, calling +out their powers of observation, and teaching them lessons out of God's +great green book, _without their knowing_ they were learning. +Out-of-doors and indoors, the Sundays were the happiest days of the week +to the children, though to their father the hardest. When his day's work +was done, there was always the Sunday walk, in which each bird and plant +and brook was pointed out to the children, as preaching sermons to Eyes, +such as were not even dreamt of by people of the No-eyes species. +Indoors the Sunday picture-books were brought out, and each child chose +its subject for the father to draw, either some Bible story, or bird or +beast or flower. In all ways he fostered in his children a love of +animals. They were taught to handle without disgust toads, frogs, +beetles, as works from the hand of a living God. His guests were +surprised one morning at breakfast when his little girl ran up to the +open window of the dining-room, holding a long, repulsive-looking worm +in her hand: "Oh, daddy, look at this _delightful_ worm!" + +Kingsley had a horror of corporal punishment, not merely because it +tends to produce antagonism between parent and child, but because he +considered more than half the lying of children to be the result of fear +of punishment. "Do not train a child," he said, "as men train a horse, +by letting anger and punishment be the _first_ announcement of his +having sinned. If you do, you induce two bad habits: first, the boy +regards his parent with a kind of blind dread, as a being who may be +offended by actions which to _him_ are innocent, and whose wrath he +expects to fall upon him at any moment in his most pure and unselfish +happiness. Next, and worst still, the boy learns not to fear sin, but +the punishment of it, and thus he learns to lie." He was careful too not +to confuse his children by a multiplicity of small rules. "It is +difficult enough to keep the Ten Commandments," he would say, "without +making an eleventh in every direction." He had no "moods" with his +family, for he cultivated, by strict self-discipline in the midst of +worries and pressing business, a disengaged temper, that always enabled +him to enter into other people's interests, and especially into +children's playfulness. "I wonder," he would say, "if there is so much +laughing in any other home in England as in ours." He became a +light-hearted boy in the presence of his children. When nursery griefs +and broken toys were taken to his study, he was never too busy to mend +the toy and dry the tears. He held with Jean Paul Richter, that children +have their "days and hours of rain," which parents should not take much +notice of, either for anxiety or sermons, but should lightly pass over, +except when they are symptoms of coming illness. And his knowledge of +physiology enabled him to detect such symptoms. He recognized the fact, +that weariness at lessons and sudden fits of obstinacy are not hastily +to be treated as moral delinquencies, springing as they so often do from +physical causes, which are best counteracted by cessation from work and +change of scene. + +How blessed is the son who can speak of his father as Charles Kingsley's +eldest son does. "'Perfect love casteth out fear', was the motto," he +says, "on which my father based his theory of bringing up children. From +this and from the interests he took in their pursuits, their pleasures, +trials, and even the petty details of their everyday life, there sprang +up a friendship between father and children, that increased in intensity +and depth with years. To speak for myself, he was the best friend--the +only true friend I ever had. At once he was the most fatherly and the +most unfatherly of fathers--fatherly in that he was our intimate friend +and our self-constituted adviser; unfatherly in that our feeling for him +lacked that fear and restraint that make boys call their father 'the +governor.' Ours was the only household I ever saw in which there was no +favouritism. It seemed as if in each of our different characters he took +an equal pride, while he fully recognized their different traits of good +or evil; for instead of having one code of social, moral, and physical +laws laid down for one and all of us, each child became a separate study +for him; and its little 'diseases au moral,' as he called them, were +treated differently, according to each different temperament.... +Perhaps the brightest picture of the past that I look back to now is the +drawing-room at Eversley, in the evenings, when we were all at home and +by ourselves. There he sat, with one hand in mother's, forgetting his +own hard work in leading our fun and frolic, with a kindly smile on his +lips, and a loving light in that bright gray eye, that made us feel +that, in the broadest sense of the word, he was our father." + +Of this son, when he was an undergraduate at Cambridge, his father (then +Professor of History) writes: "Ah! what a blessing to be able to help +him at last by teaching him something one's self!" And to a learned +"F.G.S." he says very seriously: "My eldest son is just going off to try +his manhood in Colorado, United States. You will understand, therefore, +that it is somewhat important to me just now whether the world be ruled +by a just and wise God, or by o. It is also important to me with regard +to my own boy's future, whether what is said to have happened to-morrow +(Good Friday) be true or false." + +Writing to his wife from the seaside, where he had gone in search of +health, he says: "This place is perfect; but it seems a dream and +imperfect without you. Kiss the darling ducks of children for me. How I +long after them and their prattle! I delight in all the little ones in +the street, for their sake, and continually I start and fancy I hear +their voices outside. You do not know how I love them; nor did I hardly +till I came here. Absence quickens love into consciousness. Tell Rose +and Maurice that I have got two pair of bucks' horns--one for each of +them, huge old fellows, almost as big as baby." + +Writing from France to "my dear little man," as he calls his youngest +son (for whom he wrote the "Water Babies"), he says: "There is a little +Egyptian vulture here in the inn; ask mother to show you his picture in +the beginning of the bird-book." There was little danger that the sons +of such a clergyman as this would turn out badly. + +A companion picture of Dr. Arnold as a father, has been drawn by Dean +Stanley: "It is impossible adequately to describe the union of the whole +family round him, who was not only the father and guide, but the elder +brother and playfellow of his children; the gentleness and tenderness +which marked his whole feeling and manner in the privacy of his domestic +intercourse. Enough, however, may perhaps be said to recall something at +least of its outward aspect. There was the cheerful voice that used to +go sounding through the house in the early morning, as he went round to +call his children; the new spirits which he seemed to gather from the +mere glimpses of them in the midst of his occupations--the increased +merriment of all in any game in which he joined--the happy walks on +which he would take them in the fields and hedges, hunting for +flowers--the yearly excursion to look in the neighbouring clay-pit for +the earliest coltsfoot, with the mock siege that followed. Nor, again, +was the sense of his authority as a father ever lost in his playfulness +as a companion. His personal superintendence of their ordinary +instructions was necessarily limited by his other engagements, but it +was never wholly laid aside. In the later years of his life it was his +custom to read the Psalms and Lessons of the day with his family every +morning; and the common reading of a chapter in the Bible every Sunday +evening, with repetition of hymns or parts of Scripture by every member +of the family--the devotion with which he would himself repeat his +favourite poems from the Christian Year, or his favourite passages from +the Gospels--the same attitude of deep attention in listening to the +questions of his youngest children, the same reverence in answering +their difficulties that he would have shown to the most advanced of his +friends or his scholars--form a picture not soon to pass away from the +mind of any one who was ever present. But his teaching in his family was +naturally not confined to any particular occasions; they looked to him +for information and advice at all times; and a word of authority from +him was a law not to be questioned for a moment. And with the tenderness +which seemed to be alive to all their wants and wishes, there was united +that peculiar sense of solemnity, with which, in his eyes, the very idea +of a family life was invested. The anniversaries of domestic events--the +passing away of successive generations--the entrance of his sons on the +several stages of their education, struck on the deepest chords of his +nature, and made him blend with every prospect of the future the keen +sense of the continuance (so to speak) of his own existence in the good +and evil fortunes of his children, and to unite the thought of them with +the yet more solemn feeling, with which he was at all times wont to +regard 'the blessing' of 'a whole house transplanted entire from earth +to heaven, without one failure.'" + +What Luther was as a father may be imagined from a letter which he wrote +when absent at the Diet of Augsburg, to his little boy, aged five years. +The mother had written the home news, especially telling the loving +father about his first-born, so to him, as well as to her, Luther wrote +the following letter, full of fatherly fondness and charming +naturalness. + +"Grace and peace in Christ, my dear little boy. I am pleased to see that +thou learnest thy lessons well, and prayest well. Go on thus, my dear +boy, and when I come home I will bring you a fine fairing. I know of a +pretty garden where are merry children that have gold frocks, and gather +nice apples and plums and cherries under the trees, and sing and dance, +and ride on pretty horses with gold bridles and silver saddles. I asked +the man of the place whose the garden was, and who the children were. He +said, 'These are the children who pray and learn and are good.' Then I +answered, 'I also have a son, who is called Hans Luther. May he come to +this garden, and eat pears and apples, and ride a little horse, and play +with the others?' The man said, 'If he says his prayers, and learns and +is good, he may come; and Lippus and Jost [Melanchthon's son Philip, and +Jonas' son, Jodecus] may come, and they shall have pipes and drums and +lutes and fiddles, and they shall dance, and shoot with little +crossbows. Then he showed me a smooth lawn in the garden laid out for +dancing, and there the pipes and crossbows hung. But it was still early, +and the children had not dined, and I could not wait for the dance. So I +said, 'Dear sir, I will go straight home and write all this to my little +boy; but he has an aunt, Lene (great-aunt Magdalen) that he must bring +with him.' And the man answered, 'So it shall be! go and write as you +say.' Therefore, dear little boy, learn and pray with a good heart, and +tell Lippus and Jost to do the same, and then you will all come to the +garden together. Almighty God guard you. Give my love to Aunt Lene, and +give her a kiss for me.--Your loving father, MARTIN LUTHER." + +What is chiefly wanted in the education of children is a wise mixture of +love and firmness. Parental authority should be regarded as vicegerent +authority, set up by God and ruling in His stead. A parent is to a child +what God is to a good man. He is the moral governor of the world of +childhood. Parental government is therefore only genuine when it rules +for the same ends as God pursues. + +When children accord willing obedience the end of family government is +gained. To attain this end a parent should be careful to observe the +following rules. First, never to hamper a child with arbitrary +restrictions, but, if possible, always to let the reasons of each +command or prohibition be apparent; secondly, to let every punishment +have some relation to the offence, and so imitate the great laws of +nature, which entail definite consequences on every act of wrong; and, +thirdly, never to threaten a punishment and afterwards shrink from +inflicting it; finally, punishments should be severe enough to serve +their purpose, and gentle enough to ensure the continuance of affection. +Nor should the child be left alone until he feels that the punishment +has been for his own good, and gives assurance of this feeling by +putting on a pleasant face. + +Human nature requires amusement as well as teaching and correction. One +of the first duties of a parent is to sympathize with the play of his +children. How much do little children crave for sympathy! They hold out +every new object for you to see it with them, and look up after each +gambol for you to rejoice with them. Let play-time and playthings be +given liberally. Invite suitable companions, and do everything in your +power to make home sweet. Authority, so unbent, will be all the +stronger and more welcome from our display of real sympathy. If family +government were well carried out in every home, children would be +happier and better than they are now. Then there would be, even in our +own great towns, a partial realization of the words of the prophet +Zechariah, in reference to Jerusalem delivered: "And the streets of the +city shall be full of boys and girls, playing in the streets thereof." + +The home of our children ought never to be a prison where there is +plenty of rule and order, but no love and no pleasure. We should +remember that "he who makes a little child happier for an hour is a +fellow-worker with God." + +It was bitterly said of a certain Pharisaical household that in it "no +one should please himself, neither should he please any one else; for in +either case he would be thought to be displeasing God." This reminds us +of the Scotchman who, having gone back to his country after a long +absence, declared that the whole kingdom was on the road to perdition. +"People," he said, "used to be reserved and solemn on the sabbath, but +now they look as happy on that day as on any other." It is a blessed +thing for the rising generation that such grotesque perversions of +religion are seldom presented to them now; for every well-instructed +Christian ought to be aware that religion does not banish mirth, but +only moderates and sets rules to it. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + +POLITENESS AT HOME. + + "Manners are of more importance than laws. Upon these, in a great + measure, the laws depend. The law teaches us but here and there, + now and then. Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, + exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us, by a constant, steady, + uniform, insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe + in. They give their whole form and colour to our lives. According + to their quality, they aid morals, they supply laws, or they + totally destroy them."--_Burke._ + + +About twelve thousand police in London are able to take care of about +four million people. How is it done? Chiefly by moral force, and, above +all, by civility. Sir Edmund Henderson, the Chief Commissioner of the +force, said on a recent occasion that it was by "strict attention to +duty, by sobriety, and, above all, by civility," that the police +endeavoured to do their duty. "I lay great stress upon civility," said +the Chief Commissioner, "for I think it is the great characteristic of +the metropolitan police force." + +If civility and politeness have such an influence upon the hard, rough +world of London how much greater will be the effect of good manners or +beautiful behaviour, not only in rendering comparatively safe the many +difficult crossings in the path of newly-married people, but also in +adorning even the smallest details of family life! True courtesy +exhibits itself in a disposition to contribute to the happiness of +others, and in refraining from all that may annoy them. And the +cultivation day by day of this sweet reasonableness is almost as +necessary to the comfort of those who live together as the daily calls +of the milkman and the baker. If no two people have it so much in their +power to torment each other as husband and wife, it is their bounden +duty to guard against this liability by cultivating the habit of +domestic politeness. It is a mistake to suppose that the forms of +courtesy can be safely dispensed with in the family circle. With the +disappearance of the forms the reality will too often disappear. The +very effort of appearing bright under adverse circumstances is sure to +render cheerfulness easier on another occasion. + +Good manners like good words cost little and are worth much. They oil +the machinery of social life, but more especially of domestic life. If a +cheerful "good morning" and "good evening" conciliate strangers they are +not lost upon a wife. Hardness and repulsiveness of manner originate in +want of respect for the feelings of others. + +"Remember," says Sydney Smith, "that your children, your wife, and your +servants have rights and feelings; treat them as you would treat persons +who could turn again. Do not attempt to frighten children and inferiors +by passion; it does more harm to your own character than it does good +to them. Passion gets less and less powerful after every defeat. Husband +energy for the real demand which the dangers of life make upon it." Good +manners are more than "surface Christianity." Rowland Hill was right +when he said, "I do not think much of a man's religion unless his dog +and cat are the happier for it." + +"Woman was made out of a rib from the _side_ of Adam--not out of his +head to top him, not out of his feet to be trampled on by him, but out +of his side to be equal to him: under his arm to be protected, and near +his heart to be loved." + + "Use the woman tenderly, tenderly; + From a crooked rib God made her slenderly: + Straight and strong He did not make her, + So if you try to bend you'll break her." + +Men are cautioned by the Jewish Talmud to be careful lest they cause +women to weep, "for God counts their tears." + +There are some people who stretch their manners to such an unnatural +degree in society that they are pretty sure to go to the opposite +extreme when relaxing at home. Feeling released from something that was +hanging over them they run wild and become rude in consequence of their +late restraint. + +Is it not, to say the least, probable that such patient humility as the +following would be followed by a reaction? Bishop Thirlwall was +generally regarded, except by the small circle of those who knew him +intimately, with much awe by his clergy, who thought that they had +better keep as far as possible out of the way of their terribly logical +and rather sarcastic diocesan. The legend was that he had trained a +highly sagacious dog into the habit of detecting and biting intrusive +curates. An amusing story is told of a humble-minded Levite who was +staying at Abergwili Palace on the occasion of an ordination. An egg was +placed before him, which, on tapping, proved a very bad one indeed. The +Bishop made a kindly apology, and told a servant to bring a fresh one. +"No, thank you, my lord," replied the young clergyman, with a +penitential expression of countenance; "it is quite good enough for me." +We think that the clergyman's wife would have acted rashly if, soon +after this occurrence, _she_ should have tried the patience of her Job +with an antiquated egg. + +The proverb "familiarity breeds contempt" suggests another reason why +the manners displayed at home are not, generally speaking, as good as +they should be. + +There is generally greater harmony when a husband's duties necessitate +his remaining several hours of the day from home. "For this relief, much +thanks!" will be the not unnatural sentiment of a grateful wife. And to +the husband, on his return, home will appear far sweeter than if he had +idled about the house all day with nothing to do but torment his wife. +Richter says that distance injures love less than nearness. People are +more polite when they do not see too much of each other. + +Madam! no gentleman is entitled to such distinguished consideration as +your husband. Sir! no lady is entitled to such deferential treatment as +your wife. + +Awkward consequences that could not have been foreseen have sometimes +followed domestic rudeness. It is related of Lord Ellenborough that, +when on one occasion he was about to set out on circuit, his wife +expressed a wish to accompany him; a proposition to which his lordship +assented, provided there were no bandboxes tucked under the seat of his +carriage, as he had too often found there had been when honoured with +her ladyship's company before. Accordingly they both set out together, +but had not proceeded very far before the judge, stretching out his legs +under the seat in front of him, kicked against one of the flimsy +receptacles which he had specially prohibited. Down went the window with +a bang and out went the bandbox into the ditch. The startled coachman +immediately commenced to pull up, but was ordered to drive on and let +the thing lie where it was. They reached the assize town in due course, +and his lordship proceeded to robe for the court. "And now, where's my +wig?--where's my wig?" he demanded, when everything else had been +donned. "Your wig, my lord," replied the servant, tremulously, "was in +that bandbox your lordship threw out of the window as we came along." + +Sir Robert Walpole used to say that he never despaired of making up a +quarrel between women unless one of them had called the other old or +ugly. In the same way married people need not despair of realizing truly +united and therefore happy lives if they will only study each other's +weak points, as skaters look out for the weak parts of the ice, in order +to keep off them. + +Nothing is more unmanly as well as unmannerly than for a husband to +speak disparagingly of either his wife or of the marriage state before +strangers. Lord Erskine once declared at a large party that "a wife was +a tin canister tied to one's tail;" upon which Sheridan, who was present +when the remark was made, presented to Lady Erskine the following lines: + + "Lord Erskine, at woman presuming to rail, + Calls a wife a tin canister tied to one's tail; + And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on, + Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison. + + But wherefore degrading? Considered aright, + A canister's polished and useful and bright; + And should dirt its original purity hide, + That's the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied." + +The "puppy" only got what he deserved. + +When a husband happens to be a mere goose, happy if only a goose, though +he may keep up the delusion that he is the "head of the family," it +becomes the wife's duty to exercise real control. But she may be a +responsible Prime Minister without usurping, much less parading, the +insignia of Royalty. And if she have the feelings of a gentlewoman she +will not allow every one to _see_ the reins of government in her hand as +did a colonel's wife known to me, of whom even the privates and drummer +boys in her husband's (?) regiment used to say: "Mrs. ----, she's the +colonel." What Burke said of his wife's eyes describe woman's proper +place in the domestic Cabinet: "Her eyes have a mild light, but they awe +when she pleases; they command, like a good man out of office, not by +authority, but by virtue." Too often it is the poor wife who has to bear +the heaviest part of the burdens of domestic life while the unchivalrous +husband struts before as head of the house quite unencumbered. + +Even the youngest child may claim to be treated with politeness. "I +feel," said President Garfield, "a profounder reverence for a boy than +for a man. I never meet a ragged boy in the street without feeling that +I may owe him a salute, for I know not what possibilities may be +buttoned up under his coat." Fathers should look upon their children +with respect, for he who is "only a child" may become a much better and +greater man than his father. + +Without spoiling our children we should make their lives as pleasant as +we possibly can, always remembering that the poor things never asked to +be born, and that they may "not long remain." The boy dies perhaps at +the age of ten or twelve. Of what _use_ then all the restraints, all the +privations, all the pain, that you have inflicted upon him? He falls, +and leaves your mind to brood over the possibility of your having +abridged a life so dear to you. + +For good and for evil home is a school of manners. Children reflect, as +in a mirror, not only the general habits and characters of their +parents, but even their manner of gesture and of speech. "A fig-tree +looking on a fig-tree becometh fruitful." If "a gentleman always a +gentleman" and "a lady always a lady" are the examples set by papa and +mamma, the children will take them in almost through the pores of the +skin. + +"For the child," says Richter, "the most important era of life is that +of childhood, when he begins to colour and mould himself by +companionship with others. Every new educator affects less than his +predecessor, until at last, if we regard all life as an educational +institution, a circumnavigator of the world is less influenced by all +the nations he has seen than by his nurse." + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + +SUNSHINE. + + "Love is sunshine."--_Longfellow._ + + "God wishes us to have sunlight in our homes. He would have in + them a tender play of laughter and humour, a pleasant interchange + of light and colour and warmth, in word and mirth, which makes + the brightness perfect, and is as much the work of the sunlight + in the house, as the delightful gaiety of nature is the doing of + the sun."--_Stopford Brooke._ + + +It is a comparatively easy thing to preserve a cheerful appearance when +away from home, or even to present a brave front to meet the great +emergencies of life. And yet the most genial-hearted of diners-out may +be a domestic bully in the privacy of his own household; and the hero +who has faced a battery without shrinking may be unable to take a cup of +lukewarm coffee from his wife's hands without a grumble. The real +happiness of a home depends upon a determination to lay no undue stress +upon little matters, and a resolve to hold one's own irritability in +constant check. For it is the sum of trivial affairs that make up the +day's account, and it is the-- + + "Cares that _petty shadows_ cast, + By which our lives are chiefly proved." + +True home sunshine, if it consistently brighten the features of one +member in a family, is pretty sure to be reflected from the faces of the +rest. + +"I thought," said a father, the other day, "as I sat in the railway +carriage on my way home, of my impatience with the members of my family, +and I felt ashamed. As soon as they are out of my sight I see clearly +where my mistakes are; but when they are around me I forget my good +resolutions." + +It is quite true that the dear ones at home are more to us than Kings +and Queens, than House of Lords or House of Commons, than the mightiest +and noblest in the world. And yet we often treat them worse than we +treat strangers. With others, whom we meet in business or in society, we +are half unconsciously on our guard. Hasty words are repressed, and +frowns are banished. But the dear ones at home usually have the pleasure +or the pain of seeing us precisely as we are in the mood of the moment. +To their sorrow we "make no strangers" of them. If our nerves are +overstrung, or our tempers tried, so far from endeavouring to conceal +the fact we make them feel it. The hero in great crises may be moved by +the pressure of small annoyances to throw a boot at his _valet de +chambre_, or to snarl at his wife. Individually these faults of temper +may be small, but so are the locusts that collectively conceal the sun. +"Only perfection can bear with imperfection." The better a man becomes +the more allowance will he make for the shortcomings of others. + +In order to have sunlight at home, it is not enough negatively to +abstain from fault-finding and general peevishness. We should recognize +praise as a positive duty. If a thing is done wrongly, better sometimes +to say nothing about it. Wait until it happens to be done rightly, and +then give marked praise. The third time, the charm of your approbation +will produce a much better performance. If it is possible to "damn with +faint praise," how much more damaging must be--no praise at all. How +much potential goodness and greatness would become actual but for the +wet blanket of sullen silence! "As we must account for every idle word, +so we must for every idle silence." This saying of Franklin should +suggest speech in season to ungrateful husbands who never throw a word +of encouragement to their wives however deserving. In military riding +schools may often be heard the command--"Make much of your horses!" The +horses have been trotting, galloping, and jumping. They have had to +stand quietly while the men dismounted and fired their carbines kneeling +before them. They have gone through their parts well, so after the men +have again mounted, the order is given--"Make much of your horses!" and +all the riders pat simultaneously the proudly-arched necks of their +deserving steeds. Husbands, take the hint and make much of your wives! + +We may here introduce some words of Miss Cobbe in reference to the moral +atmosphere of the house, which depends so immensely on the tone of the +mistress. "I conceive that good, and even high animal spirits are among +the most blessed of possessions--actual wings to bear us up over the +dusty or muddy roads of life; and I think that to keep up the spirits of +a household is not only indefinitely to add to its happiness, but also +to make all duties comparatively light and easy. Thus, however naturally +depressed a mistress may be, I think she ought to struggle to be +cheerful, and to take pains never to quench the blessed spirits of her +children or guests. All of us who live long in great cities get into a +sort of subdued-cheerfulness tone. We are neither very sad nor very +glad; we neither cry, nor ever enjoy that delicious experience of +helpless laughter, the _fou rira_ which is the joy of youth. I wish we +could be more really light of heart." We all share this wish; but how is +it to be realized? By living simple, well-regulated lives, and by +casting all our anxiety upon God who careth for us. + +Professor Blaikie commences a paper on "How to Get Rid of Trouble," by +saying that once he had occasion to call on the chief of the +constabulary force in one of our largest cities. "The conversation +having turned on the arrangements for extinguishing fire, the chief +constable entered with great alacrity into the subject, and after some +verbal explanations, added, 'If you can spare half an hour, I will call +out my men, and you shall see how we proceed.' I was taken aback at the +idea of the firemen and engines being called out on a fine summer day to +let a stranger see them at work; so I thanked him for his offer, but +added that I could not think of giving him so much trouble. 'Trouble!' +said he; 'what's that? That's a word I don't know.' 'You are a happy +man,' was the reply, 'if you don't know the meaning of trouble.' 'No, +indeed,' he said. 'I assure you I do not. The word is not in my +dictionary.' As I was still incredulous, and wondering whether or not he +had lost his senses, he rang the bell, and bade his clerk fetch him an +English dictionary. Handing it to me, he said, 'Now, sir, please look +and see whether you can find the word "trouble."' I turned to the proper +place, and there, to be sure, where the word had been, I found it +carefully erased by three lines of red ink. Of course I caught the idea +at once. In a great work like that of the police in such a place, +trouble was never to be thought of. No inroad that might be required on +the ease, or the sleep, or the strength of any member of the force was +ever to be grudged on the score that it was too much trouble. In the +work of that office the thought of trouble was to be unknown. I felt +that I had got a sermon from the chief of police, and a notable sermon, +too. The three lines of red ink were as clear and telling as any three +heads into which I had ever divided my discourse. It was a thrilling +sermon, too--it set something vibrating within me." + +This incident refers to trouble in the active sense; but even trouble in +the sense of sorrow and disappointment may be to a large extent effaced +from the family circle by certain red lines. Here is one of them. _Do +not make the trouble worse than it really is._ Rather let us resolve to +look at the bright side of things. If we had nothing more to think of, +the proverbs that have been coined in the mint of hope ought to +encourage us. "Nothing so bad but it might have been worse;" "'Tis +always morning somewhere in the world;" "When things are at the worst +they mend;" "The darkest hour of night is that which precedes the dawn." +Let us try to form the habit of thinking how much there is to cheer us +even when there may be much to depress; how often, on former occasions +of trouble, we have been wonderfully helped; how foolish it is to +anticipate evil before it comes. + +"How dismal you look!" said a bucket to his companion, as they were +going to the well. "Ah!" replied the other, "I was reflecting on the +uselessness of our being filled, for let us go away ever so full, we +always come back empty." "Dear me! how strange to look at it in that +way!" said the other bucket. "Now I enjoy the thought that however +_empty_ we come, we always go away _full_. Only look at it in that +light, and you will be as cheerful as I am." + +Another red line which effaces trouble is _patience_. Speaking of the +cheerful submission and trust of the London poor a well-known clergyman +says: "Come with me; turn under this low doorway; climb these narrow +creaking stairs; knock at the door. A pleasant voice bids you enter. You +see a woman sixty-four years of age, her hands folded and contracted, +her whole body crippled and curled together, as cholera cramped, and +rheumatism fixed it twenty-eight years ago. For sixteen years she has +not moved from her bed, nor looked out of the window; and has been in +constant pain, while she cannot move a limb. Listen--she is thankful. +For what? For the use of one thumb; with a two-pronged fork, fastened to +a stick, she can turn over the leaves of an old-fashioned Bible, when +placed within her reach. Hear her: 'I'm content to lie here as long as +it shall please Him, and to go when He shall call me.'" + +The third red line we would suggest is--_Try to get good out of your +troubles._ Undoubtedly it is to be got, if the right way be taken to +extract it. Scarcely any loss is without compensation. How often has the +dignity of self-support and self-respect been gained when an external +prop has been removed! How often have we been eventually glad that our +wishes were not fulfilled! Plato tells us that "just penalties are the +best gifts of the gods," and Goethe said he never had an affliction that +he did not turn into a poem. The daylight must fade before we can behold +the shining worlds around us, and the rigour of winter must be endured +before our hearts can thrill with delight at the approach of Spring. + +For the sake of household sunshine we should endeavour to keep in +health. Lowness of tone, nervous irritability, the state of being +ill-at-ease--these and many other forms of ill-health may, as a general +rule, be avoided by those who endeavour to preserve their health as a +sacred duty. If most people have but little health, it is because they +transgress the laws of nature, alternately stimulating and depressing +themselves. For our own sake and for the sake of others whom we trouble +by irritability, we are bound to obey these laws--fresh air, exercise, +moderate work, conquest of appetite. + +"The deception," says Sydney Smith, "as practised upon human creatures, +is curious and entertaining. My friend sups late; he eats some strong +soup, then a lobster, then some tart, and he dilutes these esculent +varieties with wine. The next day I call upon him. He is going to sell +his house in London, and to retire into the country. He is alarmed for +his eldest daughter's health. His expenses are hourly increasing, and +nothing but a timely retreat can save him from ruin. All this is the +lobster: and when over-excited nature has had time to manage this +testaceous encumbrance, the daughter recovers, the finances are in good +order, and every rural idea effectually excluded from the mind. In the +same manner old friendships are destroyed by toasted cheese, and hard, +salted meat has led to suicide. Unpleasant feelings of the body produce +correspondent sensations in the mind, and a great scene of wretchedness +is sketched out by a morsel of indigestible and misguided food. Of such +infinite consequence to happiness is it to study the body!" + +On the other hand, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine." We should +"laugh and be well," as enjoined by an old English versifier. + + "To cure the mind's wrong bias, spleen, + Some recommend the bowling-green; + Some, hilly walks; all, exercise; + Fling but a stone, the giant dies; + _Laugh and be well._ Monkeys have been + Extreme good doctors for the spleen; + And kitten, if the humour hit, + Has harlequined away the fit." + +It is the bounden duty of those who live together to cultivate the sunny +side of life. To rejoice with those who rejoice is as much a duty as to +weep with those that weep. Many have not that "great hereditary +constitutional joy" which springs from a natural genius for happiness, +but all may at least try to add to the stock of the household's +cheerfulness. It is about the most useful contribution that any member +of a family can make. + + "As, although in the season of rainstorms and showers, + The tree may strike deeper its roots; + It needs the warm brightness of sunshiny hours, + To ripen the blossoms and fruits." + +Sunlike pleasures never shine in idle homes. If a useful occupation or +innocent hobby be not provided for the several members of a family, they +are sure to spend their time in maliciously tormenting each other. + +Those whose only care in life is to avoid care make a great mistake. +They forget that even roses have thorns, and that pleasure is +appreciated and enjoyed for its variety and contrast to pain. After all +there is but one way of producing sunshine in our homes. We must first +let the light into our own souls, and then like burning glasses we shall +give it out to others, but especially to those of our own household. And +whence comes the soul's calm sunshine and joy in right doing but from +the Sun of Righteousness? + +If there are many unhappy homes, many wretched families--more by far +than is generally supposed--what is the cure for this? "Sweet +reasonableness" as taught by Jesus Christ. If we would let Him into our +houses to dwell with us, and form one of our family circle, He would +turn our homes into little Edens. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + +THEY HAD A FEW WORDS. + + "Something light as air--a look, + A word unkind or wrongly taken-- + Oh, love, that tempests never shook, + A breath, a touch like this hath shaken, + And ruder words will soon rush in + To spread the breach that words begin."--_Moore._ + + "Married life should be a sweet, harmonious song, and, like one + of Mendelssohn's, 'without _words_.'"--_Judy._ + + +When the sunshine of domestic bliss has become more or less clouded by +quarrels between a husband and wife, observers very often describe the +state of affairs by the euphemism at the head of this chapter. "They had +a few words"--this is the immediate cause of many a domestic +catastrophe. A young man was sent to Socrates to learn oratory. On being +introduced to the philosopher he talked so incessantly that Socrates +asked for double fees. "Why charge me double?" said the young fellow. +"Because," said Socrates, "I must teach you two sciences; the one how to +hold your tongue, and the other how to speak." It is impossible for +people to be happy in matrimony who will not learn the first of these +sciences. + +We do not know whether Simonides was or was not a married man, but we +fancy he must have been, for he used to say that he never regretted +holding his tongue, but very often was sorry for having spoken. "Seest +thou a man that is hasty in his words? There is more hope of a fool than +of him." Sober second thoughts suggest palliatives and allowances that +temper prevents us from noticing. The simple act of self-denial in +restraining the expression of unpleasant feelings or harsh thoughts is +the foundation stone of a happy home. For nothing draws people so +closely together as the constant experience of mutual pleasure, and +nothing so quickly drives them asunder as the frequent endurance of pain +caused by one another's presence. + + "One doth not know + How much an ill word may empoison liking." + +Sometimes the husband blames the wife and the wife the husband when +neither of them is at fault. This always reminds us of Pat's mistake. +Two Irishmen walking along the same street, but coming from opposite +directions, approached, both smiling and apparently recognizing one +another. As they came closer they discovered that it was a mutual +mistake. Equal to the occasion one of them said, "Och, my friend, I see +how it is. You thought it was me, and I thought it was you, and now it's +naythur of us." + +Burton tells of a woman who, hearing one of her "gossips" complain of +her husband's impatience, told her an excellent remedy for it. She gave +her a glass of water, which, when he brawled, she should hold still in +her mouth. She did so two or three times with great success, and at +length, seeing her neighbour, she thanked her for it, and asked to know +the ingredients. She told her that it was "fair water," and nothing +more, for it was not the water, but her silence which performed the +cure. + +There are people who are kind in their actions and yet brutal in their +speech, and they forget that it is not every one who can bear, like +Boswell, to be told he is a fool. A woman may think she is always right +and her husband always wrong, but it does not make the wheels of +domestic life run smoother to say this in plain English. A man may have +a contempt for his wife's dearest brother, but to tell the wife or +brother so is not conducive to harmony. + +It has sometimes been remarked that the marriage of a deaf and dumb man +to a blind woman would have obvious advantages. Each of the parties +would acquire an opportunity to practise little pantomimic scenes from +which ordinary married folks are debarred. When they quarrelled, for +instance--the wife being unable to see, while the husband could not hear +or speak--she could hurl at him broadside after broadside of +steel-pointed invective; and the poor man could but stand there, study +the motion of her lips, and fondly imagine she was telling him how sorry +she was that anything should come between them. He, on the other hand, +could sit down, shake his fists, and make hideous grimaces, she all the +while thinking he was sitting with his face buried in his hands, and +hot remorseful tears streaming from his eyes. Husbands and wives who are +not deprived of the use of their faculties might take the hint and +resolve not to use them too keenly on certain occasions. In a +matrimonial quarrel they need not hear or see everything. + + "If you your lips would keep from slips, + Five things observe with care: + _Of_ whom you speak, _to_ whom you speak + And _how_, and _when_, and _where_. + +The "last word" is the most dangerous of infernal machines. Husband and +wife should no more fight to get it than they would struggle for the +possession of a lighted bomb-shell. What is the use of the last word? +After getting it a husband might perhaps, as an American newspaper +suggests, advertise to whistle for a wager against a locomotive; but in +every other respect his victory would be useless and painful. It would +be a Cadmean victory in which the victor would suffer as much as the +vanquished. A farmer cut down a tree which stood so near the boundary +line of his farm that it was doubtful whether it belonged to him or to +his neighbour. The neighbour, however, claimed the tree, and prosecuted +the man who cut it for damages. The case was sent from court to court. +Time was wasted and temper lost; but the case was finally gained by the +prosecutor. The last of the transaction was that the man who gained the +cause went to the lawyer's office to execute a deed of his whole farm, +which he had been compelled to sell to pay his costs! Then, houseless +and homeless, he thrust his hands into his pockets, and triumphantly +exclaimed, "I've beat him!" In the same way husband and wife may become +bankrupt of heart-wealth by endeavouring to get the last word. + +Men sometimes become fractious from pure monotony. When they are unable +to find subjects for profitable conversation there arises a propensity +to "nag" and find fault. In a Russian story, the title of which in +English is "Buried Alive," two prisoners are talking in the night, and +one relates: "I had got, somehow or other, in the way of beating her +(his wife). Some days I would keep at it from morning till night. I did +not know what to do with myself when I was not beating her. She used to +sit crying, and I could not help feeling sorry for her, and so I beat +her." Subsequently he murdered her. Are there not men above the class of +wife-beaters who indulge in fault-finding, "nagging," and other forms of +tongue-castigation? They have got into the habit. They do not know what +to do with themselves when not so employed. The tears of their wives +only irritate them. + +Of course some wives are quite capable of giving as much as they get. It +is said that at a recent fashionable wedding, after the departure of the +happy pair, a dear little girl, whose papa and mamma were among the +guests, asked, with a child's innocent inquisitiveness: "Why do they +throw things at the pretty lady in the carriage?" "For luck, dear," +replied one of the bridesmaids. "And why," again asked the child, +"doesn't she throw them back?" "Oh," said the young lady, "that would be +rude." "No it wouldn't," persisted the dear little thing to the delight +of her doting parents who stood by: "ma does." + +"As the climbing up a sandy way is to the feet of the aged, so is a +wife full of words to a quiet man." She who "has a tongue of her own" +has always more last words to say, and, if she ever does close her +mouth, the question suggests itself whether she should not be arrested +for carrying concealed weapons. On the tombs of such wives might be +inscribed epitaphs like the following, which is to be found in a +churchyard in Surrey-- + + "Here lies, returned to clay, + Miss Arabella Young, + Who on the first of May + Began to hold her tongue." + +Poor Caudle, as a rule, thought discretion the better part of valour, +and sought refuge in the arms of soothing slumber; but there are some +men who do not allow their wives to have it all their own way without at +least an occasional protest. "Do you pretend to have as good a judgment +as I have?" said an enraged wife to her husband. "Well, no," he replied, +deliberately; "our choice of partners for life shows that my judgment is +not to be compared to yours." When they have "a few words," however, the +woman usually has the best of it. "See here," said a fault-finding +husband, "we must have things arranged in this house so that we shall +know where everything is kept." "With all my heart," sweetly answered +his wife, "and let us begin with your late hours, my love. I should much +like to know where they are kept." + +Such matrimonial word-battles may amuse outsiders as the skill of +gladiators used to amuse, but the combatants make themselves very +miserable. Far better to be incapable of making a repartee if we only +use the power to wound the feelings of the one whom we have vowed to +love. There is an art of putting things that should be studied by +married people. How many quarrels would be avoided if we could always +say with courtesy and tact any unpleasant thing that may have to be +said! It is related of a good-humoured celebrity that when a man once +stood before him and his friend at the theatre, completely shutting out +all view of the stage, instead of asking him to sit down, or in any way +giving offence, he simply said, "I beg your pardon, sir; but when you +see or hear anything particularly interesting on the stage, will you +please let us know, as we are entirely dependent on your kindness?" That +was sufficient. With a smile and an apology that only the art of putting +things could have extracted, the gentleman took his seat. There is a +story of a separation which took place simply because a gracious +announcement had been couched by a husband in ungracious terms. "My +dear, here is a little present I have brought to make you +good-tempered." "Sir," was the indignant reply, "do you dare to say that +it is necessary to bribe me into being good-tempered? Why, I am always +good-tempered; it is your violent temper, sir!" And so the quarrel went +on to the bitter end. + +It is a very difficult thing to find fault well. We all have to find +fault at times, in reference to servants, children, husband, or wife; +but in a great number of cases the operation loses half its effect, or +has no effect at all, perhaps a downright bad effect, because of the way +in which it is done. Above all things remember this caution, never to +find fault when out of temper. Again, there is a time _not_ to find +fault, and in the right perception of when that time is lies no small +part of the art. The reproof which has most sympathy in it will be most +effectual. It understands and allows for infirmity. It was this sympathy +that prompted Dr. Arnold to take such pains in studying the characters +of his pupils, so that he might best adapt correction to each particular +case. + +The very worst time for a husband and wife to have "a few words" is +dinner-time, because, if we have a good dinner, our attention should be +bestowed on what we are eating. He who bores us at dinner robs us of +pleasure and injures our health, a fact which the alderman realized when +he exclaimed to a stupid interrogator, "With your confounded questions, +sir, you've made me swallow a piece of green fat without tasting it." +Many a poor wife has to swallow her dinner without tasting it because +her considerate husband chooses this time to find fault with herself, +the children, the servants, and with everything except himself. The beef +is too much done, the vegetables too little, everything is cold. "I +think you might look after something! Oh! that is no excuse," and so on, +to the great disturbance of his own and his wife's digestion. God sends +food, but the devil sends the few cross words that prevent it from doing +us any good. We should have at least three laughs during dinner, and +every one is bound to contribute a share of agreeable table-talk, +good-humour, and cheerfulness. + +"In politics," said Cavour, "nothing is so absurd as rancour." In the +same way we may say that nothing is so absurd in matrimony as sullen +silence. Reynolds in his "Life and Times" tells of a free-and-easy actor +who passed three festive days at the seat of the Marquis and Marchioness +of ---- without any invitation, convinced (as proved to be the case) +that, my lord and my lady not being on _speaking terms_, each would +suppose the other had asked him. A soft answer turns away wrath, and +when a wife or a husband is irritated there is nothing like letting a +subject drop. Then silence is indeed golden. But the silence persisted +in--as by the lady in the old comedy, who, in reply to her husband's +"For heaven's sake, my dear, do tell me what you mean," obstinately +keeps her lips closed--is an instrument of deadly torture. "A wise man +by his words maketh himself beloved." To this might be added that on +certain occasions a fool by his obstinate silence maketh himself hated. + +"According to Milton, 'Eve kept silence in Eden to hear her husband +talk,'" said a gentleman to a lady friend; and then added, in a +melancholy tone, "Alas! there have been no Eves since." "Because," +quickly retorted the lady, "there have been no husbands worth listening +to." Certainly there are too few men who exert themselves to be as +agreeable to their wives (their best friends), as they are to the +comparative strangers or secret enemies whom they meet at clubs and +other places of resort. And yet if it is true that "to be agreeable in +our family circle is not only a positive duty but an absolute morality," +then every husband and wife should say on their wedding day-- + + "To balls and routs for fame let others roam, + Be mine the happier lot to please at home." + +In one of the letters of Robertson, of Brighton, he tells of a lady who +related to him "the delight, the tears of gratitude which she had +witnessed in a poor girl to whom, in passing, I gave a kind look on +going out of church on Sunday. What a lesson! How cheaply happiness can +be given! What opportunities we miss of doing an angel's work! I +remember doing it, full of sad feelings, passing on, and thinking no +more about it; and it gave an hour's sunshine to a human life, and +lightened the load of life to a human heart for a time!" If even a look +can do so much, who shall estimate the power of kind or unkind words in +making married life happy or miserable? In the home circle more than +anywhere else-- + + "Words are mighty, words are living: + Serpents with their venomous stings, + Or bright angels, crowding round us, + With heaven's light upon their wings: + Every word has its own spirit, + True or false that never dies; + Every word man's lips have uttered + Echoes in God's skies." + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +PULLING TOGETHER. + + "When souls, that should agree to will the same, + To have one common object for their wishes, + Look different ways, regardless of each other, + Think what a train of wretchedness ensues!" + + +Said a husband to his angry wife: "Look at Carlo and Kitty asleep on the +rug; I wish men lived half as agreeably with their wives." "Stop!" said +the lady. "Tie them together, and see how they will agree!" If men and +women when tied together sometimes agree very badly what is the reason? +Because instead of pulling together each of them wishes to have his or +her own way. But when they do pull together what greater thing is there +for them than "to feel that they are joined for life, to strengthen each +other in all labour, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to +each other in all pain, to be one with each other in the silent +unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting?" + +What is meant by pulling together may be explained by referring to the +custom of the "Dunmow flitch," which was founded by Juga, a noble lady, +in A.D. IIII, and restored by Robert de Fitzwalter, in 1244. It was that +any person from any part of England going to Dunmow in Essex, and humbly +kneeling on two stones at the church door, may claim a gammon of bacon +if he can swear that for twelve months and a day he has never had a +household brawl or wished himself unmarried. Hence the phrase "He may +fetch a flitch of bacon from Dunmow," _i.e._, He is so amiable and +good-tempered that he will never quarrel with his wife. To eat Dunmow +bacon is to live in conjugal amity. There were only eight claimants +admitted to eat the flitch between the years 1244-1772, a number that +seems to justify Prior's sarcastic couplet: + + "Ah, madam, cease to be mistaken, + Few married fowl peck Dunmow bacon." + +It is a great pity that "few married fowl peck Dunmow bacon," for those +that do are so happy that they may be called birds of Paradise. + +"A well-matched couple carry a joyful life between them, as the two +spies carried the cluster of Eshcol. They multiply their joys by sharing +them, and lessen their troubles by dividing them: this is fine +arithmetic. The waggon of care rolls lightly along as they pull +together, and when it drags a little heavily, or there's a hitch +anywhere, they love each other all the more, and so lighten the labour." +When there is wisdom in the husband there is generally gentleness in the +wife, and between them the old wedding wish is worked out: "One year of +joy, another of comfort, and all the rest of content." + +When two persons without any spiritual affinity are bound together in +irrevocable bondage, it is to their "unspeakable weariness and despair," +and life becomes to them "a drooping and disconsolate household +captivity, without refuge or redemption." Such unions are marriages only +in name. They are a mere housing together. + +However, this doctrine may easily be exaggerated, and certainly married +people ought to be very slow in allowing themselves to think that it is +impossible for them to hit it off or pull with the partners of their +lives. Those who cherish unhealthy sentimentalism on this subject would +do well to brace themselves up by reading a little of the robust common +sense of Dr. Johnson. Talking one evening of Mrs. Careless, the doctor +said: "If I had married her, it might have been as happy for me." +_Boswell_: "Pray, sir, do you not suppose that there are fifty women in +the world, with any one of whom a man may be as happy as with any one +woman in particular?" _Johnson_: "Ay, sir, fifty thousand." _Boswell_: +"Then, sir, you are not of opinion with some who imagine that certain +men and certain women are made for each other; and that they cannot be +happy if they miss their counterparts." _Johnson_: "To be sure not, sir. +I believe marriages would in general be as happy, and often more so, if +they were all made by the Lord Chancellor, upon a due consideration of +the characters and circumstances, without the parties having any choice +in the matter." + +The following, too, is interesting, for we may gather from it how, in +Johnson's opinion, the feat of living happily with any one of fifty +thousand women could be accomplished. The question was started one +evening whether people who differed on some essential point could live +in friendship together. Johnson said they might. Goldsmith said they +could not, as they had not the _idem velle atque idem nolle_--the same +likings and the same aversions. _Johnson_: "Why, sir, you must shun the +subject as to which you disagree. For instance, I can live very well +with Burke; I love his knowledge, his genius, his diffusion, and +affluence of conversation; but I would not talk to him of the Rockingham +party." _Goldsmith_: "But, sir, when people live together who have +something as to which they disagree, and which they want to shun, they +will be in the situation mentioned in the story of Bluebeard, 'You may +look into all the chambers but one.' But we should have the greatest +inclination to look into that chamber, to talk over that subject." +_Johnson_ (with a loud voice): "Sir, I am not saying that _you_ could +live in friendship with a man from whom you differ as to some point: I +am only saying that _I_ could do it." + +In matrimony, as in religion, in things essential there should be unity, +in things indifferent diversity, in all things charity. + +In matrimony, though it is the closest and dearest friendship, shades of +character and the various qualities of mind and heart, never approximate +to such a degree, as to preclude all possibility of misunderstanding. +But the broad and firm principles upon which all honourable and enduring +sympathy is founded, the love of truth, the reverence for right, the +abhorrence of all that is base and unworthy, admit of no difference or +misunderstanding; and where these exist in the relations of two people +united for life, love, and happiness, as perfect as this imperfect +existence affords, may be realized. But the rule is different in +matters that are not essential. In reference to these married people +should cultivate "the sympathy of difference." They should agree to +differ each respecting the tastes and prejudices of the other. + +At no time are husbands and wives seen to greater advantage than when +yielding their own will in unimportant matters to the will of another, +and we quite agree with a writer who makes the following remark: "Great +actions are so often performed from little motives of vanity, +self-complacency, and the like, that I am apt to think more highly of +the person whom I observe checking a reply to a petulant speech, or even +submitting to the judgment of another _in stirring the fire_, than of +one who gives away thousands!" + +In all things there should be charity. Dolly Winthrop in "Silas Marner" +was patiently tolerant of her husband, "considering that men would be +so," and viewing the stronger sex "in the light of animals whom it +pleased Heaven to make troublesome like bulls or turkey cocks." This +sensible woman knew that if at times her husband was troublesome he had +his good qualities. On these she would accustom herself to dwell. + +A Scotch minister, being one day engaged in visiting his flock, came to +the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the +noise of contention within. After waiting a little he opened the door +and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice: "I should like to +know who is the head of this house?" "Weel, sir," said the husband and +father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell ye, for we're +just tryin' to settle the point." Merely to settle this point some +married people are continually engaging in a tug of war instead of +pulling comfortably together. But what a mean contest! How much better +it would be only to strive who should love the other most! To married +people especially are these words of Marcus Aurelius applicable: "We are +made for co-operation, like feet, like hands, like eyelids, like the +rows of the upper and lower teeth. To act against one another, then, is +contrary to nature." + +That union is strength is forcibly, if not very elegantly, illustrated +by Erskine's description of a lodging where he had passed the night. He +said that the fleas were so numerous and so ferocious that if they had +been but _unanimous_ they would have pulled him out of bed. If husband +and wife would be but unanimous they would be a match against every +enemy to their felicity. On the other hand, how impossible it is for +those who work against each other to live together with any advantage or +comfort. We all remember the illustration of Ĉsop. A charcoal-burner +carried on his trade in his own house. One day he met a friend, a +fuller, and entreated him to come and live with him, saying that they +should be far better neighbours, and that their housekeeping expenses +would be lessened. The fuller replied, "The arrangement is impossible as +far as I am concerned, for whatever I should whiten, you would +immediately blacken again with your charcoal." + +One secret of pulling together is not to interfere with what does not +concern us. A man who can trust his wife should no more meddle with her +home concerns than she should pester him with questions about his +business. He will never be able to pull with her if he pokes over the +weekly bills, insists on knowing how much each thing is per pound, and +what he is going to have every day for dinner. It is indeed almost a +_sine quâ non_ of domestic felicity that _paterfamilias_ should be +absent from home at least six hours in the day. Jones asked his wife, +"Why is a husband like dough?" He expected she would give it up, and he +was going to tell her that it was because a woman needs him; but she +said it was because he was hard to get off her hands. + +Of course, like every other good rule, this one of non-intervention may +be carried too far, as it was by the studious man who said, when a +servant told him that his house was on fire, "Go to your mistress, you +know I have no charge of household matters." No doubt occasions will +arise when a husband will be only too glad to take counsel with his wife +in business cares; while she may have to remember all her life long, +with gratitude and love, some season of sickness or affliction, when he +filled his own place and hers too, ashamed of no womanish task, and +neither irritated nor humiliated by ever such trivial household cares. + +"Parents and children seldom act in concert, each child endeavours to +appropriate the esteem or fondness of the parents, and the parents, with +yet less temptation, betray each other to their children; thus some +place their confidence in the father, and some in the mother, and by +degrees the house is filled with artifices and feuds." These words point +to a danger to be guarded against by married people who desire to pull +together. It is sad when a child is not loved equally by both its +parents. In this case, however innocent and blessed the little one may +be, it is liable to become the disturber of parental peace. + +Perhaps the way Carlyle and his wife pulled together is not so very +uncommon. His mother used to say of him that he was "gey ill to live +with," and Miss Welsh whom he married had a fiery temper. When provoked +she "was as hard as a flint, with possibilities of dangerous sparks of +fire." The pair seem to have tormented each other, but not half as much +as each tormented him and herself. They were too like each other, +suffering in the same way from nerves disordered, digestion impaired, +excessive self-consciousness, and the absence of children to take their +thoughts away from each other. They were, in the fullest sense of the +word, everything to each other--both for good and evil, sole comforters, +chief tormentors. The proverb "Ill to hae but waur to want" was true of +the Carlyles as of many another couple. + +Sir David Baird and some other English officers, being captured by Tippo +Saib, were confined for some time in one of the dungeons of his palace +at Bangalore. When Sir David's mother heard the news in Scotland, +referring to the method in which prisoners were chained together and to +her son's well-known irascible temper, she exclaimed: "God pity the lad +that's tied to our Davie." How much more to be pitied is he or she whom +matrimony has tied for life to a person with a bad temper! + +Over-particularity in trifles causes a great deal of domestic +discomfort. The husband or wife who, to use a common phrase, wishes a +thing to be "just so," and not otherwise, is uncomfortable to pull with. +For any person to be thoroughly amiable and livable with, there should +be a little touch of untidiness and unpreciseness, and indifference to +small things. A little spice--not too much--of the Irishman's spirit +who said, "If you can't take things asy, take them as asy as you can." + +There is no more beautiful quality than that ideality which conceives +and longs after perfection; but if too exclusively cultivated it may +drag down rather than elevate its possessor. The faculty which is ever +conceiving and desiring something better and more perfect must be +modified in its action by good sense, patience, and conscience, +otherwise it induces a morbid, discontented spirit, which courses +through the veins of individual and family life like a subtle poison. + +Exactingsness is untrained ideality, and much domestic misery is caused +by it. A little bit of conscience makes the exacting person sour. He +fusses, fumes, finds fault, and scolds because everything is not perfect +in an imperfect world. Much more happy and good is he whose conceptions +and desire of excellence are equally strong, but in whom there is a +greater amount of discriminating common-sense. + +Most people can see what is faulty in themselves and their surroundings; +but while the dreamer frets and wears himself out over the unattainable, +the happy, practical man is satisfied with what _can_ be attained. There +was much wisdom in the answer given by the principal of a large public +institution when complimented on his habitual cheerfulness amid a +diversity of cares: "I've made up my mind," he said, "to be satisfied +when things are done _half_ as well as I would have them." + +Ideality often becomes an insidious mental and moral disease, acting all +the more subtlely from its alliance with what is noblest in us. + +The virtue of conscientiousness may turn into the vice of censoriousness +if misapplied. It was the constant prayer of the great and good Bishop +Butler that he might be saved from what he called "scrupulosity." Dr. +Johnson used to admire this wise sentence in Thomas à Kempis: "Be not +angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you +cannot make yourself as you wish to be." Searching for domestic +happiness would not be as unsuccessful as it is with some people if they +were not continually finding fault. + +Jeremy Taylor impresses this fact by one of his quaint illustrations: +"The stags in the Greek epigram, whose knees were clogged with frozen +snow upon the mountains, came down to the brooks of the valleys, hoping +to thaw their joints with the waters of the stream; but there the frost +overtook them, and bound them fast in ice, till the young herdsmen took +them in their stranger snare. It is the unhappy chance of many men +finding many inconveniences upon the mountains of single life, they +descend into the valleys of marriage to refresh their troubles, and +there they enter into fetters, and are bound to sorrow by the cords of a +man's or woman's peevishness." + +The Psalmist says that "God maketh men to be of one mind in a house." +Let husband and wife live near Him, and He will enable them to avoid +domestic strife which Cowper declares to be the "sorest ill of human +life." + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +NETS AND CAGES. + + "I think for a woman to fail to make and keep a happy home, is to + be a 'failure' in a truer sense than to have failed to catch a + husband."--_Frances Power Cobbe._ + + "We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry."--_Vittoria + Corombona._ + + +When Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable +and witty young lady, offered a new dress to each of the wives of those +freemen who voted for her brother. When saluted with "Miss Wilberforce +for ever!" she pleasantly observed, "I thank you, gentlemen, but I +cannot agree with you, for really I do not wish to be _Miss_ Wilberforce +for ever." + +We do not blame Miss Wilberforce or any other young lady for not wishing +to be a "Miss" for ever; but we desire to point out in this chapter that +all is not done when the husband is gained. + + "Even in the happiest choice whom fav'ring Heaven + Has equal love and easy fortune given; + Think not, the husband gained, that all is done, + The prize of happiness must still be won; + And oft the careless find it to their cost; + The lover in the husband may be lost; + The graces might alone his heart allure; + They and the virtues meeting must secure." + +According to Dean Swift, "the reason why so few marriages are happy is +because young women spend their time in making nets, not in making +cages." Certainly a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and girls +are quite justified in trying in all ways, consistent with modesty and +self-respect, to net husbands. Still, she is the really fine woman who +can not merely net the affections of a husband during the honeymoon, but +who can cage and keep them throughout a long married life. Only the +other day, a man told me that after forty years of married life, he +loved his wife almost better than the day they were married. We are not +told that Alexander the Great, after conquering the world, kept his +conquest very long, but this wife kept her conquest forty years. Woman +in her time has been called upon to endure a great deal of definition. +She had been described as, "A good idea--spoiled!" This may be true of +one who can only make nets, but it certainly is not true of a +cage-maker. Always do-- + + "Her air, her smile, her motions, tell + Of womanly completeness; + A music as of household songs + Is in her voice of sweetness. + + Flowers spring to blossom where she walks + The careful ways of duty; + The hard stiff lines of life with her + Are flowing curves of beauty." + +Men are often as easily caught as birds, but as difficult to keep. If +the wife cannot make her home bright and happy, so that it shall be the +cleanest, sweetest, cheerfullest place that her husband can find refuge +in--a retreat from the toils and troubles of the outer world--then God +help the poor man, for he is virtually homeless! + +In the home more than anywhere else order is Heaven's first law. It is +the duty of a wife to sweetly order her cage so that it may be clean, +neat, and free from muddle. Method is the oil that makes the wheels of +the domestic machine run easily. The mistress of a home who desires +order, and the tranquillity that comes of order, must insist on the +application of method to every branch and department of the household +work. She must rise and breakfast early and give her orders early. Doing +much before twelve o'clock gives her a command of the day. + +A friend of Robert Hall, the famous preacher, once asked him regarding a +lady of their acquaintance, "Will she make a good wife for me?" "Well," +replied Hall, "I can hardly say--I never lived with her!" This is the +real test of happiness in married life. It is one thing to see ladies on +"dress" occasions and when every effort is being made to please them; it +is quite another thing to see them amidst the varied and often +conflicting circumstances of household life. Men may talk in raptures of +youth and beauty, wit and sprightliness; but after seven years of union, +not one of them is to be compared to good family management which is +seen at every meal, and felt every hour in the husband's purse. In the +"Records of Later Life," Fanny Kemble (Mrs. Butler), shortly after she +had begun housekeeping with a staff of six servants, writes from America +to a friend, "I have been reproaching myself, and reproving others, and +heartily regretting that instead of Italian and music, I had not learned +a little domestic economy, and how much bread, butter, flour, eggs, +milk, sugar, and meat ought to be consumed per week by a family of eight +persons." There is no reason why she should not have learned all this, +and Italian and music as well. + +Gradually it has come to be seen that practical cookery, which might be +classed under the head of chemistry, is an excellent intellectual +training, as it teaches the application in daily life of knowledge +derived from a variety of branches of study. From this point of view +even sweet girl-graduates may take pride in being good cooks, while as +regards women of the working classes hardly anything drives their +husbands to drink so much as bad cookery and irregular meals. + +Leigh Hunt used to say that "the most fascinating women are those that +can most enrich the every-day moments of existence." If we are to +believe Mrs. Carlyle, who lived next door to the Hunts at Chelsea, Mrs. +Hunt did not do much in the way of domestic economy to "enrich the +every-day moments of existence." "I told Mrs. Hunt, one day, I had been +very busy _painting_." "What?" she asked, "is it a portrait?" "Oh! no," +I told her; "something of more importance--a large wardrobe." She could +not imagine, she said, "how I could have patience for such things." And +so, having no patience for them herself, what is the result? She is +every other day reduced to borrow my tumblers, my tea-cups; even a +cupful of porridge, a few spoonfuls of tea, are begged of me, because +"Missus has got company, and happens to be out of the article;' in +plain anadorned English, because 'missus' is the most wretched of +managers, and is often at the point of having not a copper in her purse. +To see how they live and waste here, it is a wonder the whole city does +not 'bankrape, and go out o' sicht';--flinging platefuls of what they +are pleased to denominate 'crusts' (that is, what I consider all the +best of the bread) into the ashpits.' I often say, with honest +self-congratulation, 'In Scotland we have no such thing as "crusts."' On +the whole, though the English ladies seem to have their wits more at +their finger-ends, and have a great advantage over me in that respect, I +never cease to be glad that I was born on the other side of the Tweed, +and that those who are nearest and dearest to me are Scotch.... Mrs. +Hunt I shall soon be quite terminated with, I foresee. She torments my +life out with borrowing. She actually borrowed one of the brass fenders +the other day, and I had difficulty in getting it out of her hands; +irons, glasses, tea-cups, silver spoons are in constant requisition; and +when one sends for them the whole number can never be found. Is it not a +shame to manage so, with eight guineas a week to keep house on! It makes +me very indignant to see all the waste that goes on around me, when I am +needing so much care and calculation to make ends meet." + +When Carlyle was working hard to support himself and his wife by +literature at the lonely farmhouse which was their home, Mrs. Carlyle +did all she could to mitigate by good cookery the miseries which +dyspepsia inflicted upon him. She thus writes of her culinary trials: +"The bread, above all, brought from Dumfries, 'soured on his stomach' +(Oh Heaven!), and it was plainly my duty as a Christian wife to bake at +home; so I sent for Cobbett's 'Cottage Economy,' and fell to work at a +loaf of bread. But knowing nothing about the process of fermentation or +the heat of ovens, it came to pass that my loaf got put into the oven at +the time that myself ought to have been put into bed; and I remained the +only person not asleep in a house in the middle of a desert. One o'clock +struck, and then two, and then three; and still I was sitting there in +an immense solitude, my whole body aching with weariness, my heart +aching with a sense of forlornness and degradation. That I, who had been +so petted at home, whose comfort had been studied by everybody in the +house, who had never been required to do anything but cultivate my mind, +should have to pass all those hours of the night in watching a loaf of +bread--which mightn't turn out bread after all! Such thoughts maddened +me, till I laid down my head on the table and sobbed aloud. It was then +that somehow the idea of Benvenuto Cellini sitting up all night watching +his Perseus in the furnace came into my head, and suddenly I asked +myself: 'After all, in the sight of the Upper Powers, what is the mighty +difference between a statue of Perseus and a loaf of bread, so that each +be the thing one's hand has found to do? The man's determined will, his +energy, his patience, his resource, were the really admirable things of +which his statue of Perseus was the mere chance expression. If he had +been a woman living at Craigenputtoch, with a dyspeptic husband, sixteen +miles from a baker, and he a bad one, all these same qualities would +have come out more fitly in a good loaf of bread.' I cannot express what +consolation this germ of an idea spread over my uncongenial life during +the years we lived at that savage place, where my two immediate +predecessors had gone mad, and the third had taken to drink." + +Though the life of that tragic muse Mrs. Siddons was girded about with +observance and worship from the highest in the land, though her mind and +imagination were always employed in realizing the most glorious +creations of the most glorious poets, Mrs. Siddons in her home was at +once the simplest and the tenderest of women. She did a great deal of +the household work herself, and her grand friends, when they called, +would be met by her with a flat-iron in her hand, or would find her +seated studying a new part, while, at the same time, she rocked the +cradle of her latest born, and knitted her husband's stockings. When she +went to the theatre she was generally accompanied by one or more of her +children, and the little things would cling about her, holding her hand +or her dress, as she stood in the side scenes. The fine ladies who +petted her could not put one grain of their fine-ladyism into her. To +the end of her life she remained a proof of the not-generally-believed +fact that an artist can be, at the same time, a most purely domestic +woman. The same too may be said of a mathematician, for the greatest +woman-mathematician of any age, Mary Somerville, was renowned for her +good housekeeping. + +An American newspaper lately addressed the following wise words to young +women: "Learn to keep house. If you would be a level-headed woman; if +you would have right instincts and profound views, and that most subtle, +graceful, and irresistible of all things, womanly charm; if you would +make your pen, your music, your accomplishments tell, and would give +them body, character, and life; if you would be a woman of genuine +power, and queen o'er all the earth, learn to keep house thoroughly and +practically. You see the world all awry, and are consumed with a desire +to set it right. Must you go on a mission to the heathen? Very well, but +learn to keep house first. Begin reform, where all true reform must +begin, at the centre and work outwards; at the foundation and work +upwards. What is the basis and centre of all earthly life? It is the +family, the home; these relations dictate and control all others. _There +is nothing from which this distracted world is suffering so much to-day, +as for want of thorough housekeeping and homemaking._" + +But a cage-making wife is much more than a good cook and housekeeper. +Indeed it is possible for a wife to be too careful and cumbered about +these things. When such is the case she becomes miserable and grumbles +at a little dust or disorder which the ordinary mortal does not see, +just as a fine musician is pained and made miserable at a slight discord +that is not noticed by less-trained ears. Probably her husband wishes +his house were less perfectly kept, but more peaceful. A woman should +know when to change her _rôle_ of housewife for that of the loving +friend and companion of her husband. She should be able and willing to +intelligently discuss with him the particular political or social +problem that is to him of vital interest. We will all agree with Dr. +Johnson that a man of sense and education should seek a suitable +_companion_ in a wife. "It was," he said, "a miserable thing when the +conversation could only be such as, whether the mutton should be boiled +or roast, and probably a dispute about that." A good and loyal wife +takes upon her a share of everything that concerns and interests her +husband. Whatever may be his work or even recreation, she endeavours to +learn enough about it to be able to listen to him with interest if he +speaks to her of it, and to give him a sensible opinion if he asks for +it. In every matter she is helpful. + +Women's lives are often very dull; but it would help to make them +otherwise if wives would sometimes think over, during the hours when +parted from their husbands, a few little winning ways as surprises for +them on their return, either in the way of conversation, or of some +small change of dress, or any way their ingenuity would have suggested +in courting days. How little the lives of men and women would be dull, +if they thought of and acted towards each other after marriage as they +did before it! + +Certainly, it does a wife good to go out of her cage occasionally for +amusement, although her deepest, truest happiness may be found at home. +She, quite as much as her husband, requires change and recreation, but +while this is true she must never forget that a life of pleasure is a +life of pain, and that if much of her time is spent in visiting and +company, anarchy and confusion at home must be the consequence. "Never +seek for amusement," says Mr. Ruskin, "but be always ready to be amused. +The least thing has play in it--the slightest word wit, when your hands +are busy and your heart is free. But if you make the aim of your life +amusement, the day will come when all the agonies of a pantomime will +not bring you an honest laugh." + +Nothing renders a woman so agreeable to her husband as good humour. It +possesses the powers ascribed to magic and imparts beauty to the +plainest features. On the other hand, the bright, sparkling girl, who +turns, after marriage, in her hours of privacy with her husband, into +the dull, silent, or grumbling wife has no one to thank but herself if +he is often absent from his home. + +Men hate nagging, and, indeed, husband-nagging is almost as cruel as +wife-beating. There are women whose perpetual contentiousness is a moral +reproduction of an Oriental torture, that drops water on you every ten +seconds. The butler of a certain Scottish laird, who had been in the +family a number of years, at last resigned his situation because his +lordship's wife was always scolding him. "Oh!" exclaimed his master, "if +that be all, ye've very little to complain of." "Perhaps so," replied +the butler; "but I have decided in my own mind to put up with it no +longer." "Go, then," said his lordship; "and be thankful for the rest of +your life that ye're not married to her." + +The methods which women adopt in managing husbands vary with the +characters of the individuals to be guided. In illustration of this here +is a short story. Two women, Mrs. A. and Mrs. B., were talking together +one day with some friends over a cup of tea, when the subject of the +management of husbands came up. Each of these two wives boasted that she +could make her husband do exactly what she liked. A spinster who was +present, Miss C, denied the truth of this statement, and this led to +high words, in the course of which it was agreed that each wife should +prove her power by making her husband drive her on a particular +afternoon in a hired carriage to an appointed place, which we will call +Edmonton. The test was considered a good one, because the two husbands +were individuals inclined to economy, who in the ordinary course of +events would never think of hiring a carriage or driving anywhere, +excepting in a 'bus to the City. Mrs. A. was a strong-minded, determined +woman, and Mr. A. was meek and gentle; no one doubted, therefore, that +Mrs. A. could get what she wanted. But Mr. B. was an argumentative, +contradictory, wilful, and pugnacious individual, while Mrs. B. was +sweet and good. It was expected that Mrs. B. would have to own herself +defeated. However, the day arrived and the hour, the unbelieving +spinster repaired to the spot, and up drove the two husbands with their +wives sitting in state by their sides. "How did you manage it?" said +Miss C. "Oh," said Mrs. A., "I simply said to my husband, 'Mr. A., I +wish you to hire a carriage and drive me to Edmonton.' He said, 'Very +well, my dear, but I----,' and here I am." "And how did you manage it, +Mrs. B.?" Mrs. B. was unwilling to confess, but at length she was +induced to do so. "I said to my husband, 'I think Mr. and Mrs. A. are +very extravagant: they are going to hire a carriage and pair to-morrow +and drive to Edmonton.' 'Why should they not do so if they like it?' +said Mr. B. 'Oh, no reason at all, my dear, if you think it right, and +if they can afford it; but we could not do anything of that kind, of +course. Besides, I fancy Mr. A. is more accustomed to driving than you +are.' 'A. is not at all more accustomed to it than I am,' said Mr. B., +'and I can afford it quite as well as he. Indeed, I will prove that I +can and will, for I will hire a carriage and drive there at the same +time.' 'Very well, my dear, if you think so; but I should not like to go +with you, I should feel so ashamed.' 'Then I wish you to go with me, +Mrs. B.; I insist upon your accompanying me.' So," said quiet little +Mrs. B., "that is the way I manage Mr. B." + +Neither of these women is to be congratulated on her method of +management. Each despised her husband, and what sort of basis is scorn +for happiness in married life? If a man's own wife does not believe in +him, and look up to him, and admire him, and like him better than anyone +else, poor man, who else will? If he is not king at home, where is he +king? + +Once upon a time, according to an old heathen legend, the gods and +goddesses were assembled together, and were talking over matters +celestial, when one of the company, who was of an inquiring mind, said, +"What are the people who live on the earth like?" No one knew. One or +two guesses were made, but every one knew that they were only guesses. +At last an enterprising little goddess suggested that a special +messenger should be sent to visit the earth, to make inquiries, and to +bring back information concerning the inhabitants thereof. Off the +messenger went. On his return, the gods and goddesses once more +assembled, and every one was very anxious to hear the result of this +mission. "Well," said Jove, who constituted himself speaker on the +occasion, "what have you learnt? What are the people of the earth like?" +"They are very curious people," said the traveller. "They have no +character of their own, but they become what others think them. If you +think them cruel, they act cruelly; if you think them true, they may be +relied on; if you think them false, they lie and steal; if you believe +them to be kind, they are amiability itself." + +May not the secret of how to manage a husband be found in this small +fable? A woman has power over her husband (that is, legitimate and +reasonable power, not power to make him hire a carriage, but power to +make him kind, true, and persevering) in proportion to her belief in +him. She is never so helpless with regard to him as when she has lost +faith in him herself. + +Milton tells us that a good wife is "heaven's last, best gift to man;" +but what constitutes a good wife? Purity of thought and feeling, a +generous cheerful temper, a disposition ready to forgive, patience, a +high sense of duty, a cultivated mind, and a natural grace of manner. +She should be able to govern her household with gentle resolution, and +to take an intelligent interest in her husband's pursuits. She should +have a clear understanding, and "all the firmness that does not exclude +delicacy," and "all the softness that does not imply weakness." "Her +beauty, like the rose it resembleth, shall retain its sweetness when its +bloom is withered. Her hand seeketh employment; her foot delighteth not +in gadding about. She is clothed with neatness; she is fed with +temperance. On her tongue dwelleth music; the sweetness of honey floweth +from her lips. Her eye speaketh softness and love; but discretion, with +a sceptre, sitteth on her brow. She presideth in the house, and there is +peace; she commandeth with judgment, and is obeyed. She ariseth in the +morning, she considers her affairs, and appointeth to every one their +proper business. The prudence of her management is an honour to her +husband; and he heareth her praise with a secret delight. Happy is the +man that hath made her his wife; happy is the child that calleth her +mother." + +The married man must have been blessed with a cage-making wife like this +who defined woman as "An essay on goodness and grace, in one volume, +elegantly bound." Although it may seem a little expensive, every man +should have a copy. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + +HUSBANDS HAVE DUTIES TOO. + + "A good wife is the gift of a good God, and the workmanship of a + good husband."--_Proverb._ + + "My dear sir, mind your studies, mind your business, _make your + lady happy_, and be a good Christian."--_Dr. Johnson's advice to + Boswell._ + + +A highland horse dealer, who lately effected a sale, was offered a +bottle of porter to confess the animal's failings. The bottle was drunk, +and he then said the horse had but two faults. When turned loose in the +field he was "bad to catch," and he was "of no use when caught." Many a +poor woman might say the same of her husband. She had to make many nets, +for he was "bad to catch," and when caught--well, he forgot that +husbands have duties as well as wives. Some men can neither do without +wives nor with them; they are wretched alone, in what is called single +blessedness, and they make their homes miserable when they get married; +they are like the dog, which could not bear to be loose, and howled when +it was tied up. + +There are men with whom all the pleasure of love exists in its pursuit, +and not in its possession. When a woman marries one of this class, he +seems almost to despise her from that day. Having got her into his power +he begins to bully her. + +If it be true that there are more people married than keep good houses, +husbands are quite as much to blame as wives. The proverb tells us that +good wives and good plantations are made by good husbands. In the last +chapter we ventured to suggest that women should make cages as well as +nets; but all their efforts will be in vain if they have ill-birds who +foul their own nests. To complete the subject, therefore, something must +be said about the behaviour of the male bird when caught and caged. + +First of all he should sing and not cry. How many women are there who +suffer from the want of a kindly love, a sweet appreciation of their +goodness and their self-sacrifice! How often will wives do tender and +loving offices, adorn the home with flowers, making it as neat as the +nest of a bird; dress their persons with elegance, and their faces with +smiles, and find as a reward for this the stolid indifference of the +block or the stupid insensibility of the lower animal! "She was a +woman," wrote one who knew her sex well; "a woman down to the very tips +of her finger-nails, and what she wanted was praise from the lips that +she loved. Do you ask what that meant? Did she want gold, or dress, or +power? No; all she wanted was that which will buy us all, and which so +few of us ever get--in a word, it was Love." + +Priscilla Lammeter, in "Silas Marner," well understood the selfish way +many husbands fall into of relieving their feelings: "There's nothing +kills a man so soon as having nobody to find fault with but himself. +It's a deal the best way o' being master to let somebody else do the +ordering, and keep the blaming in your own hands. It 'ud save many a man +a stroke I believe." + +"If he would only be satisfied!" Mrs. Carlyle used sometimes to complain +of Carlyle, "but I have had to learn that when he does not find fault he +is pleased, and that has to content me." On one occasion when Carlyle +was away from home Mrs. Carlyle described her charwoman sort of work to +get all in perfect order for her husband's arrival; and when all was +complete--his dinner ready, his arm-chair in its usual attitude, his +pipe and tobacco prepared, all looking as comfortable as possible--Mrs. +C. sat down at last to rest, and to expect him with a quiet mind. He +arrived; and "after he had just greeted me, what do you think he did? He +walked to the window and shook it, and asked 'Where's the wedge of the +window?' and until we had found that blessed wedge nothing would content +him. He said the window would rattle and spoil all." When a great and +good man gives such inordinate prominence to trivial worries, how +intolerable to live with must be the baser sort, who scarcely know the +meaning of self-control! + +Some men may deserve rewards for distinguished service in action; but +they certainly do not for distinguished service in passion or suffering. +In this respect they are far less brave than women. + +The fault of many husbands is not the absence of love, but their failure +to express it in their daily lives, and the self-absorption which +prevents them from knowing that their wives want something more than +they give them. They do not pay that attention to little things on which +so much of a woman's happiness depends. + +"Instead of love being the occasion of all the misery of this world (as +is sung by fantastic bards), the misery of this world is occasioned by +there not being love enough." Certain it is, that as time goes on +married life is not usually found to want less love, but more; not less +expression of love, but more. Caroline Perthes, writing to her husband, +is not content he should love her, but wishes the phlegmatic German +would sometimes tell her so. + +Husbands would be more considerate and less exacting if they realized +the fact that a wife's work is never done. I have heard more than one +lady remark that the greatest pleasure of hotel life, and of a visit to +one's friends, is to be able to sit down to dinner without a knowledge +of what is coming in the various courses. + +The wife whose sympathy is always ready for her husband's out-of-door +difficulties naturally expects that he should at least try to understand +her housekeeping troubles. How many they are is known to every one who +has "run" a house for even a short time. A woman may have much +theoretical knowledge, but this will not prevent unlooked-for obstacles +from arising. Annoyances caused by human frailty and the working of +natural agents beset every practical housekeeper. + +It is the unexpected that constantly happens, and the daily girding up +to meet the emergencies of the hour is the task of every wife who seeks +to make her home a comfortable, habitable abode. It is work--real, +earnest work, quite as hard in its way as the husband's. + +Husbands should know the value and the difficulty of the work of their +wives, and should never forget that a little help is worth a great deal +of fault-finding. + +The husband's affection must never be merged in an overweening conceit +of his authority. His rule must be the rule of reason and kindness, not +of severity and caprice. He is the houseband and should bind all +together like a corner-stone, but not crush everything like a +mill-stone. Jeremy Taylor says: "The dominion of a man over his wife is +no other than as the soul rules the body; for which it takes mighty +care, and uses it with a delicate tenderness, and cares for it in all +contingencies, and watches to keep it from all evils, and studies to +make for it fair provisions, and very often is led by its inclinations +and desires, and does never contradict its appetites but when they are +evil, and then also not without some trouble and sorrow; and its +government comes only to this, it furnishes the body with light and +understanding; and the body furnishes the soul with hands and feet; the +soul governs, because the body cannot else be happy; but the +_government_ is no other than _provision_, as a nurse governs a child, +when she causes him to eat, and to be warm, and dry, and quiet." + +It sometimes happens that she who ought to have most influence on her +husband's mind has least. A man will frequently take the advice of a +stranger who cares not for him, in preference to the cordial and +sensible opinion of his own wife. Consideration of the domestic evils +such a line of conduct is calculated to produce ought to prevent its +adoption. Besides, there is in woman an intuitive quickness, a +penetration, and a foresight, that make her advice very valuable. "If I +was making up a plan of consequence," said Lord Bolingbroke, "I should +like first to consult with a sensible woman." Many a man has been ruined +by professed friends, because when his wife, with a woman's quick +detection of character, saw through them and urged him to give them up, +he would not do so. And if a wife is the partner of her husband's cares +surely she ought also to be the companion of his pleasures. There are +selfish husbands who go about amusing themselves; but in reference to +their wives they seem to be of the same opinion as the ancient +philosopher, who only approved of women leaving home three times in +their lives--to be baptized, married, and buried! Does it never occur to +such Egyptian taskmasters that all work and no play is quite as bad for +women as for men, and that the wife who makes her cage comfortable +should occasionally be offered and even urged to take a little +amusement? I know of one wife who struck under such treatment. Whenever +her husband spent his money and time too freely away from home, she used +to take her child and go for a little excursion, which of course cost +money. If he gave more "drinks" than he could afford to himself and to +his club-companions, she used to frighten him into good behaviour by +ordering a bottle of champagne for herself. Giving in this way a Roland +for every Oliver, this really good wife soon brought her husband to see +that his selfishness was a losing game. + +Cobbett protests against a husband getting to like his club, or indeed +any house, better than his own. When absent from necessity, there is no +wound given to the heart of the wife; she concludes that her husband +would be with her if he could, and that satisfies. Yet in these cases +her feelings ought to be consulted as much as possible; she ought to be +apprised of the probable duration of the absence, and of the time of +return. + +And what Cobbett preached upon this text he himself practised. He and a +friend called Finnerty were dining with a mutual friend. At eleven +o'clock Cobbett said to the host, "We must go; my wife will be +frightened." "You do not mean to go home to-night," was the reply. "I +told him I did; and then sent my son, who was with us, to order out the +post-chaise. We had twenty-three miles to go, during which we debated +the question whether Mrs. Cobbett would be up to receive us, I +contending for the affirmative and he for the negative. She was up, and +had a nice fire for us to sit down at. She had not committed the matter +to a servant; her servants and children were all in bed; and she was up, +to perform the duty of receiving her husband and his friend. 'You did +not expect him?' said Finnerty. 'To be sure I did,' said she; 'he never +disappointed me in his life.'" + +We ourselves heard a wife saying to her husband only the other day, "I +would rather you had done that than given me ten pounds." What had he +done? Only put himself out a little to return home at the exact hour he +had appointed to be with her. That the little attention gratified her so +much will not seem strange to any one who has observed the power of +little things in imparting either pleasure or pain. + +A kind husband, when he goes from home, generally brings back some +little present to his wife. Attentions like this keep fresh that element +of romance which should never be entirely absent from married life. They +remind the now staid, but still impressible matron, of the days of her +maiden power, when a cold look from her brought winter into the room, +and when the faintest wish would have sent a certain young gentleman on +a walk of a dozen miles for the first violets. Yes, now and then give +your wife a present--a real present, which, without involving undue +expense, is good enough to compel a certain sacrifice, and suitable +enough to make her cheek flush with delight at seeing that just as the +bride was dearer than the sweetheart, the wife is yet dearer than the +bride. There is quite as much human nature in a wife as in a husband +(men forget this), and a little tender petting does her a great deal of +good, and may even be better than presents. + +What a model husband and father Macaulay would have been if he had +married! His sister, Lady Trevelyan, says, that "those who did not know +him at home, never knew him in his most brilliant, witty, and fertile +vein." He was life and sunshine to young and old in the sombre house in +Great Ormond Street, where the forlorn old father, like a blighted oak, +lingered on in leafless decay, reading one long sermon to his family on +Sunday afternoons, and another long sermon on Sunday evenings--"where +Sunday walking for walking's sake was never allowed, and even going to a +distant church was discouraged." Through this Puritanic gloom Macaulay +shot like a sunbeam, and turned it into a fairy scene of innocent +laughter and mirth. Against Macaulay, the author, severe things may be +said; but as to his conduct in his own home--as a son, as a brother, and +an uncle--it is only the barest justice to say that he appears to have +touched the furthest verge of human virtue, sweetness, and generosity. +His thinking was often, if not generally, pitched in what we must call +a low key, but his action might put the very saints to shame. He +reversed a practice too common among men of genius, who are often +careful to display all their shining and attractive qualities to the +outside world, and keep for home consumption their meanness, +selfishness, and ill-temper. Macaulay struck no heroic attitude of +benevolence, magnanimity, and aspiration before the world--rather the +opposite; but in the circle of his home affections he practised those +virtues without letting his right hand know what was done by his left. + +Writing to his oldest and dearest friend in the first days of her +overwhelming grief, Her Majesty the Queen described the Prince Consort +as having been to her "husband, father, lover, master, friend, adviser, +and guide." There could scarcely be a better description of what a +husband ought to be. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + +THE HEALTH OF THE FAMILY. + + "Reason's whole pleasure, all the joys of sense, + Lie in three words--health, peace, and competence. + But Health consists with temperance alone, + And Peace, O Virtue, peace is all thy own."--_Pope._ + + "Better to hunt in fields for health unbought, + Than fee the doctor for a nauseous draught."--_Dryden._ + + An eminent physician gave four rules for the preservation of + health. When he died, his books were sold; one, which was said to + contain very valuable precepts of health, but which the bidders + were not permitted to open, sold at a high price. When the + purchaser got it home he hastily proceeded to examine it, and was + much disappointed at finding that it contained nothing more than + four simple rules. He thought he had thrown his money away. But + on further consideration he was induced to put the rules in + practice; by doing so he was restored to a state of health to + which he had long been a stranger. He often spoke of the old + physician's book as the cheapest and most valuable purchase he + ever made in his life. The rules were these: _Keep the head cool; + Keep the feet warm; Take a light supper; Rise early._ + + +The old word for "holy" in the German language also means "healthy," +and, in our own, "hale," "whole," and "holy" are from the same root. +Carlyle says that "you could not get any better definition of what +'holy' really is than 'healthy--completely healthy.'" _Mens sana in +corpore sano._ There is no kind of achievement you could make in the +world that is equal to perfect health. What are nuggets and millions? +The French financier said, "Alas! why is there no sleep to be sold?" +Sleep was not in the market at any quotation. + +What boots it to have attained wealth, if the wealth is accompanied by +ceaseless ailments? What is the worth of distinction, if it has brought +hypochondria with it? Surely no one needs telling that a good digestion, +a bounding pulse, and high spirits, are elements of happiness which no +external advantages can out-balance. Chronic bodily disorder casts a +gloom over the brightest prospects; while the vivacity of strong health +gilds even misfortune. Health is not merely freedom from bodily pain; it +is the capability of receiving pleasure from all surrounding things, and +from the employment of all our faculties. It need scarcely be said that +without this capability even marriage cannot make us happy. Indeed, +without a fair share of health to start with people are not justified in +taking upon themselves the responsibilities of matrimony, and running +the risk of introducing into the world weak children that may be said to +be damned rather than born into it. + +It has been remarked that the first requisite to success in life is to +be a good animal. Will it seem shockingly unpoetical to suggest that +this is also a very important element of success in marriage? Certainly +beauty has great power in retaining as well as in gaining affection, and +health is a condition of beauty. A clear complexion and laughing eyes, a +supple and rounded form, and a face unmarked by wrinkles of pain or +peevishness, are the results of vigour of constitution. + +Overflowing health produces good humour, and we all know how important +that is to matrimonial felicity. I once knew an old lady who used to say +that it was a duty to sometimes take medicine for the sake of one's +friends. She was thinking of the effect of dyspepsia, congested liver, +and other forms of ill-health upon our tempers. The chief misery of +dyspepsia is that it is not merely pain, but pain which affects the +intellect and feelings alike; in Carlyle's vivid words: "Every window of +your feeling, even of your intellect, as it were, begrimed and +mud-bespattered, so that no pure ray can enter; a whole drug-shop in +your inwards; the foredone soul drowning slowly in the quagmires of +disgust." + +Oliver Wendell Holmes speaks of a man in the clothing business with an +impressible temperament who let a customer "slip through his fingers one +day without fitting him with a new garment. 'Ah!' said he to a friend of +mine, who was standing by, 'if it hadn't been for that confounded +headache of mine this morning, I'd have had a coat on that man, in spite +of himself, before he left the store.' A passing throb only; but it +deranged the nice mechanism required to persuade the accidental human +being, _x_, into a given piece of broadcloth, _a_." + +How many more happy days would a husband and wife spend together were it +not for confounded headaches which cause foolish, bitter words to be +spoken. If a man cannot do business when the nice mechanism of his body +is deranged, neither can he be gentle and kind in the family circle. +This is what Dr. Johnson meant when he said that a man is a villain when +sick. + +"Smelfungus," says Sterne, "had been the grand tour, and had seen +nothing to admire; all was barren from Dan to Beersheba; and when I met +him he fell foul of the Venus de Medici; and abused her ladyship like a +common fish-fag. 'I will tell it,' cried he, 'I will tell it to the +world!' 'You had better,' said Sterne, 'tell it to your physician.'" So +too when a man falls foul of his wife, and abuses her ladyship like a +common fish-fag because his liver is out of order, he had better go to a +physician and take every means of clearing his clouded temper. + +How much a husband can do by sympathy and kindness for a sick wife! Mrs. +Carlyle used to say, "The very least attention from Carlyle just +glorifies me. When I have one of my headaches, and the sensation of +red-hot knitting-needles darting into my brain, Carlyle's way of +expressing sympathy is to rest a heavy hand on the top of my head, and +keep it there in perfect silence for several seconds, so that although I +could scream with nervous agony, I sit like a martyr, smiling with joy +at such a proof of profound pity from him." The truth is that happiness +is the most powerful of tonics. By accelerating the circulation of the +blood, it facilitates the performance of every function; and so tends +alike to increase health when it exists, and to restore it when it has +been lost. + +If acts of kindness from a husband are necessary in all cases, they are +especially so in cases of his wife's illness, from whatever cause +arising, and most of all when there is a prospect of her becoming a +mother. This is the time for him to show care, watchful tenderness, +attention to all her wishes, and anxious efforts to quiet her fears. Any +agitation or fatigue at such times may cause the remaining years of her +life to be years of pain and weakness. If he value happiness in married +life and would escape bitter self-reproach, the husband will be very +careful of his wife when in this condition. And it is the duty of the +young wife, on her part, to take care of her own health, because of the +manner in which hers will affect the health of her expected child. And +as the moral and mental nature of the child is scarcely less dependent +on her than the physical, she should cherish only such mental frames and +dispositions as she would like to see reproduced in her child. How much +her husband can help or hinder her in doing so! Then when the child is +born she ought if possible to give it the food which nature provides and +which is its birthright. No other is so congenial, and the consequences +of unnatural methods of feeding are sometimes most injurious to the +bodies and minds of children. + +In these hard times of great competition in every kind of business, it +is a sad fact that many men have to overwork themselves, or at least +fancy they have, in order to get a living for their families. But there +are others who kill themselves by overwork and over-anxiety, for what? +To amass more money than they can well spend, or to catch the +soap-bubble called fame-- + + "And all to leave what with his tact he won, + To that unfeathered two-legged thing, a son." + +Alas! that such men never think of His considerate words to His +disciples who was the great Physician of the body as well as of the +soul--"Come ye apart, and rest awhile." If they did they would be able +to show to their friends at home what the Lord had done for them. Rest +to their overstrung nerves would make them less peevish, discontented, +and generally disagreeable. + +More open-air amusements, and more indoor gaiety, would save a great +many failing brains and enfeebled hearts. + +Of course health may be impaired quite as much by doing too little work +as by doing too much. This truth was enforced by Thackeray, when, +addressing a medical friend, he exclaimed, "Doctor, there is not in the +whole of your pharmacopoeia so sovereign a remedy as hard work." All +depends upon the temperament and constitution. What kills one man cures +another. General Sir Charles Napier, who was not physically a strong +man, declared that for the first time he had discovered what total +immunity from "malaise" meant when he took to working seventeen hours a +day at Cephalonia, as acting Governor or Commissioner of the Ionian +Islands. + +Not all but by far the largest part of the cure of nervous depression +rests with the patient. Change, exercise, fresh air, diet, tonics--all +these together will not cure any one who gives up and gives way. + +Above all, we should try to be cheerful. A clerical friend, at a +celebrated watering-place, met a lady who seemed hovering on the brink +of the grave. Her cheeks were hollow and wan, her manner listless, her +step languid, and her brow wore the severe contraction so indicative +both of mental and physical suffering, so that she was to all observers +an object of sincere pity. Some years afterward he encountered this same +lady; but so bright, and fresh, and youthful, so full of healthful +buoyancy, and so joyous in expression, that he questioned the lady if he +had not deceived himself with regard to identity. "Is it possible," +said he, "that I see before me Mrs. B. who presented such a doleful +appearance at the Springs several years ago?" "The very same." "And pray +tell me the secret of your cure. What means did you use to attain to +such vigour of mind and body, to such cheerfulness and rejuvenation?" "A +very simple remedy," returned she, with a beaming face; "I stopped +worrying and began to laugh; that was all." + +We would call the attention of heads of families to the following +mistakes which the "Sanitary Record" lately enumerated: "It is a mistake +to labour when you are not in a fit condition to do so. To think that +the more a person eats the healthier and stronger he will become. To go +to bed at midnight and rise at daybreak, and imagine that every hour +taken from sleep is an hour gained. To imagine that if a little work or +exercise is good, violent or prolonged exercise is better. To conclude +that the smallest room in the house is large enough to sleep in. To eat +as if you only had a minute to finish the meal in, or to eat without an +appetite, or continue after it has been satisfied, merely to satisfy the +taste. To believe that children can do as much work as grown people, and +that the more hours they study the more they learn. To imagine that +whatever remedy causes one to feel immediately better (as alcoholic +stimulants) is good for the system, without regard to the after-effects. +To take off proper clothing out of season because you have become +heated. To sleep exposed to a direct draught in any season. To think +that any nostrum or patent medicine is a specific for all the diseases +flesh is heir to." + +There are few things more important to health than the due adjustment of +play and work. The school at which a boy ten years of age is made to +work at his tasks for the same time as a lad of sixteen ought to be +avoided by all parents. If health is to be preserved in early youth, the +child must be treated on the same principle as a foal would be. He, or +she, must be allowed to a great extent to "run wild," and "lessons" must +be carefully graduated to the bodily powers. + +Those mothers who are inclined to dose their children too much should be +reminded that it was during the days when physic flourished in the +nursery that the greatest amount of disease was found. It is not by +medicine, but by acting in accordance with natural laws, that health of +body and health of mind and morals can be secured at home. Without a +knowledge of such laws, the mother's love too often finds its recompense +only in the child's coffin. + +In the management of their children's health some mothers are guided by +everybody and everything except by nature herself. And yet the child's +healthy instincts are what alone should be followed. + +Sir Samuel Garth, physician to George I., was a member of the Kit-Kat +Club. Coming to the club one night, he said he must soon be gone, having +many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced, he forgot +them. Sir Richard Steele was of the party, and reminded him of the +visits he had to pay. Garth pulled out his list, which amounted to +fifteen, and said, "It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or +not; for nine of them have such bad constitutions that all the +physicians in the world can't save them; and the other six have such +good constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill +them." + +Probably the carelessness of many people about their health may be +explained in the same way. They think either that their constitutions +are so good that nothing can injure them or else that they are so bad +that nothing can make them better. And often it is a bottle of wine or +some other indulgence of appetite that keeps health away. We have heard +of a well-known character who, having had many severe attacks of gout, +and who, getting into years, and having a cellar of old port wine, upon +which he drew somewhat considerably, was advised by his physician to +give up the port, and for the future to drink a certain thin claret not +very expensive. Said the gentleman in reply to this suggestion: "I +prefer my gout with my port, to being cured of my gout with that claret +of yours!" Of a delicate man who would not control his appetite it was +said, "One of his passions which he will not resist is for a particular +dish, pungent, savoury, and multifarious, which sends him almost every +night into Tartarus." Talking of the bad effects of late hours Sydney +Smith said of a distinguished diner-out that it would be written on his +tomb, "He dined late." "And died early," added Luttrell. + +Such people ought to be told that in playing tricks with their health +they are committing a very great sin. "Perhaps," says Mr. Herbert +Spencer, "nothing will so much hasten the time when body and mind will +both be adequately cared for, as a diffusion of the belief that the +preservation of health is a _duty_. Few seem conscious that there is +such a thing as physical morality. Men's habitual words and acts imply +the idea that they are at liberty to treat their bodies as they please. +Disorders entailed by disobedience to Nature's dictates, they regard +simply as grievances, not as the effects of a conduct more or less +flagitious. Though the evil consequences inflicted on their dependents, +and on future generations, are often as great as those caused by crime; +yet they do not think themselves in any degree criminal. It is true +that, in the case of drunkenness, the viciousness of a bodily +transgression is recognized; but none appear to infer that, if this +bodily transgression is vicious, so too is every bodily transgression. +The fact is, that all breaches of the laws of health are _physical +sins_." + +Certainly there are many great sufferers who are not responsible for +their ailments, and sometimes they teach lessons of patience and +resignation so well in the world and in their families, that their work +is quite as valuable as that of the active and healthy. Robert Hall, +being troubled with an acute disease which sometimes caused him to roll +on the floor with agony, would rise therefrom, wiping from his brow the +drops of sweat which the pain had caused, and, trembling from the +conflict, ask, "But I did not complain--I did not cry out much, did I?" + +Sydney Smith may have dined out more than was good for his health, but +he never allowed infirmities to sour his temper. At the end of a letter +to an old friend he adds playfully, "I have gout, asthma, and seven +other maladies, but am otherwise very well." For the sake of domestic +happiness let us preserve our health; but when we do get ill we should +endeavour to bear it in this cheerful spirit. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + +LOVE SURVIVING MARRIAGE. + + "Thou leanest thy true heart on mine, + And bravely bearest up! + Aye mingling Love's most precious wine + In life's most bitter cup! + And evermore the circling hours + New gifts of glory bring; + We live and love like happy flowers, + All in our fairy ring. + + We have known a many sorrows, sweet! + We have wept a many tears, + And after trod with trembling feet + Our pilgrimage of years. + But when our sky grew dark and wild, + All closelier did we cling; + Clouds broke to beauty as you smiled, + Peace crowned our fairy ring."--_Massey._ + + +Marriage is sometimes said to be the door that leads deluded mortals +back to earth; but this need not and ought not to be the case. Writing +to his wife from the sea-side, where he had gone in search of health, +Kingsley said: "This place is perfect; but it seems a dream and +imperfect without you. Blessed be God for the rest, though I never +before felt the loneliness of being without the beloved being whose +every look and word and motion are the key-notes of my life. People talk +of love ending at the altar.... Fools!" + +Of course the enthusiastic tempestuous love of courting days will not as +a rule remain. A married couple soon get to feel towards each other very +much as two chums at college, or two partners in a business who are at +the same time old and well-tried friends. Young married people often +think that those who have been in the holy state of matrimony twenty or +thirty years longer than themselves are very prosy, unromantic, and by +no means perfect examples of what married people ought to be. We would +remind persons manifesting this newly-married intolerance of what an old +minister of the Church of Scotland once said to a young Scotch Dissenter +who was finding many faults--"When your lum (chimney) has reeked as long +as ours perhaps it will have as much soot." + +"There is real love just as there are real ghosts; every person speaks +of it; few persons have seen it." This cynical remark of Rochefoucauld +is certainly not true in reference to love before marriage and the +existence of love even after it rests on far better evidence than the +existence of ghosts. I have never seen a ghost, but I have seen love +surviving matrimony, and I have read amongst very many other instances +the following. + +Old Robert Burton relates several cases of more than lovers' love +existing between husband and wife. He tells us of women who have died to +save their husbands, and of a man who, when his wife was carried away by +Mauritanian pirates, became a galley-slave in order to be near her. Of +a certain Rubenius Celer he says that he "would needs have it engraven +on his tomb that he had led his life with Ennea, his dear wife, +forty-three years and eight months, and never fell out." After +twenty-eight years' experience, Faraday spoke of his marriage as "an +event which more than any other had contributed to his earthly happiness +and healthy state of mind." For forty-six years the union continued +unbroken; the love of the old man remaining as fresh, as earnest, and as +heart-whole, as in the days of his youth. Another man of science, James +Nasmyth, the inventor of the steam-hammer, had a similar happy +experience. "Forty-two years of married life finds us the same devoted +'cronies' that we were at the beginning." Dr. Arnold often dwelt upon +"the rare, the unbroken, the almost awful happiness" of his domestic +life, and carried the first feelings of enthusiastic love and watchful +care through twenty-two years of wedded life. + +There are such things as love-letters between married people. Here are +two extracts from one written by Caroline Perthes to her absent husband: +"I have just looked out into the night, and thought of thee. It is a +glorious night, and the stars are glittering above me, and if in thy +carriage one appears to thee brighter than the rest, think that it +showers down upon thee love and kindness from me, and no sadness, for I +am not now unhappy when you are absent. Yet I am certain that this does +not proceed from any diminution of affection. If I could only show how I +feel towards you, it would give you joy. After all I may say or write, +it is still unexpressed, and far short of the living love which I carry +in my heart. If you could apprehend me without words, you would +understand me better. The children do their best, but you are always the +same, and have ever the first place in my heart. Thank God, my Perthes, +neither time nor circumstances can ever affect my love to you; my +affection knows neither youth nor age, and is eternal." + +If love never survived matrimony would Mrs. Carlyle have written a +letter like the following which she did to a friend who made a special +effort to console her soon after the death of her mother?--"Only think +of my husband, too, having given me a little present! he who never +attends to such nonsenses as birthdays, and who dislikes nothing in the +world so much as going into a shop to buy anything, even his own +trousers and coats; so that, to the consternation of cockney tailors, I +am obliged to go about them. Well, he actually risked himself in a +jeweller's shop, and bought me a very nice smelling-bottle! I cannot +tell you how _wae_ his little gift made me, as well as glad; it was the +first thing of the kind he ever gave me in his life. In great matters he +is always kind and considerate? but these little attentions, which we +women attach so much importance to, he was never in the habit of +rendering to any one; his up-bringing, and the severe turn of mind he +has from nature, had alike indisposed him towards them. And now the +desire to replace to me the irreplaceable makes him as good in little +things as he used to be in great." + +Carlyle never forgot her birthday afterwards. Once she thought that he +had, and she told the story of her mistake and its correction thus: "Oh! +my dear husband, fortune has played me such a cruel trick this day! and +I do not even feel any resentment against fortune for the suffocating +misery of the last two hours. I know always, when I seem to you most +exacting, that whatever happens to me is nothing like so bad as I +deserve. But you shall hear how it was. Not a line from you on my +birthday, the postmistress averred! I did not burst out crying, I did +not faint--did not do anything absurd, so far as I know; but I walked +back again, without speaking a word; and with such a tumult of +wretchedness in my heart as you, who know me, can conceive. And then I +shut myself in my own room to fancy everything that was most tormenting. +Were you, finally, so out of patience with me that you had resolved to +write to me no more at all? Had you gone to Addiscombe, and found no +leisure there to remember my existence? Were you taken ill, so ill that +you could not write? That last idea made me mad to get off to the +railway, and back to London. Oh, mercy! what a two hours I had of it! +And just when I was at my wits' end, I heard Julia crying out through +the house: 'Mrs. Carlyle, Mrs. Carlyle! Are you there? Here is a letter +for you.' And so there was after all! The postmistress had overlooked +it, and had given it to Robert, when he went afterwards, not knowing +that we had been. I wonder what love-letter was ever received with such +thankfulness! Oh, my dear! I am not fit for living in the world with +this organization. I am as much broken to pieces by that little accident +as if I had come through an attack of cholera or typhus fever. I cannot +even steady my hand to write decently. But I felt an irresistible need +of thanking you, by return of post. Yes, I have kissed the dear little +card-case; and now I will lie down awhile, and try to get some sleep. At +least, to quiet myself, I will try to believe--oh, why cannot I believe +it once for all--that, with all my faults and follies, I am 'dearer to +you than any earthly creature.'" + +Hundreds of other cases of love surviving matrimony might be cited but +we shall only add one more. On the fifty-fourth anniversary of his +marriage, Mr. S. C. Hall composed the following lines, a copy of which I +had the pleasure of receiving from himself: + + "Yes! we go gently down the hill of life, + And thank our God at every step we go; + The husband-lover and the sweetheart-wife. + Of creeping age what do we care or know? + Each says to each, 'Our fourscore years, thrice told, + Would leave us young:' the soul is never old! + + What is the grave to us? can it divide + The destiny of two by God made one? + We step across, and reach the other side, + To know our blended life is but begun. + These fading faculties are sent to say + Heaven is more near to-day than yesterday." + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + +"HE WILL NOT SEPARATE US, WE HAVE BEEN SO HAPPY." + + "To veer how vain! on, onward strain, + Brave barks! in light, in darkness too; + Through winds and tides one compass guides, + To that, and your own selves, be true. + + But, O blithe breeze! and O great seas, + Though ne'er that earliest parting past + On your wide plain they join again, + Together lead them home at last. + + One port, methought, alike they sought, + One purpose hold where'er they fare. + O bounding breeze, O rushing seas! + At last, at last unite them there!"--_Clough._ + + +"He will not separate us, we have been so happy"--these were the last +words of Charlotte Brontë when, having become Mrs. Nicholls, and having +lived with her husband only nine months, death came to snatch the cup of +domestic felicity from the lips of the happy pair. A low wandering +delirium came on. Wakening for an instant from this stupor, she saw her +husband's woe-worn face, and caught the sound of some murmured words of +prayer that God would spare her. "Oh!" she whispered, "I am not going to +die, am I? He will not separate us, we have been so happy." + +Mrs. Elizabeth Fry, when a girl, loved her family so dearly that she +used to wish that when they had to die, two large walls might press +towards each other, and crush them all, that they might die all +together, and be spared the misery of parting. Loving husbands and wives +will sympathize with this wish, for they must sometimes look forward +with dread to the misery of parting from each other. + + "To know, to esteem, to love--and then to part, + Makes up life's tale to many a feeling heart!" + +In all ages the anticipation and the reality of separation has been the +greatest and sometimes the only sorrow in the lot of united couples. +Many very touching inscriptions have been found in the Catacombs at +Rome, but none more touching than those which record this separation. +Here is one of them. It is in memory of a very young wife, who must have +been married when little more than a child (fourteen), and then left by +her husband, a soldier, called off probably to serve in the provinces. +He returns to find his poor little wife dead. Was she martyred or did +she fret herself to death, or was she carried off with malaria in the +Catacombs? We know nothing; but here is her epitaph full of simple +pathos, and warm as with the very life blood: "To Domina, 375 A.D., my +sweetest and most innocent wife, who lived sixteen years and four +months, and was married two years, with whom I was not able to live +more than six months, during which time I showed her my love as I felt +it; none else so loved each other." When Sir Albert Morton died, his +wife's grief was such that she shortly followed him, and was laid by his +side. Wotton's two lines on the event have been celebrated as containing +a volume in seventeen words: + + "He first deceased; she for a little tried + To live without him, liked it not, and died." + +When Colonel Hutchinson, the noble Commonwealth officer, felt himself +dying, knowing the deep sorrow which his death would occasion to his +wife, he left this message, which was conveyed to her: "Let her, as she +is above other women, show herself on this occasion a good Christian, +and above the pitch of ordinary women." Faithful to his injunction, +instead of lamenting his loss, she indulged her sorrow in depicting her +husband as he had lived. "They who dote on mortal excellences," she +says, in her Introduction to the "Life," "when, by the inevitable fate +of all things frail, their adored idols are taken from them, may let +loose the winds of passion to bring in a flood of sorrow, whose ebbing +tides carry away the dear memory of what they have lost; and when +comfort is essayed to such mourners, commonly all objects are removed +out of their view which may with their remembrance renew the grief; and +in time these remedies succeed, and oblivion's curtain is by degrees +drawn over the dead face; and things less lovely are liked, while they +are not viewed together with that which was most excellent. But I, that +am under a command not to grieve at the common rate of desolate women, +while I am studying which way to moderate my woe, and if it were +possible to augment my love, I can for the present find out none more +just to your dear father, nor consolatory to myself, than the +preservation of his memory, which I need not gild with such flattering +commendations as hired preachers do equally give to the truly and +titularly honourable. A naked undressed narrative, speaking the simple +truth of him, will deck him with more substantial glory than all the +panegyrics the best pens could ever consecrate to the virtues of the +best men." + +When death removed Stella from Swift, and he was left alone to think of +what he had lost, he described her as "the truest, most virtuous, and +valuable friend, that I, or perhaps any other person, was ever blessed +with." Henceforward he must strive and suffer alone. The tenderness, of +which his attachment to Stella had been the strongest symptom, deeply as +it had struck its roots into his nature, withered into cynicism. But a +lock of Stella's hair is said to have been found in Swift's desk, when +his own fight was ended, and on the paper in which it was wrapped were +written words that have become proverbial for the burden of pathos that +their forced brevity seems to hide--"Only a woman's hair." It is for +each reader to read his own meaning into them. + +Dr. Johnson's wife was querulous, exacting, old, and the reverse of +beautiful, and yet a considerable time after her death he said that ever +since the sad event he seemed to himself broken off from mankind; a kind +of solitary wanderer in the wild of life, without any direction or fixed +point of view; a gloomy gazer on the world to which he had little +relation. After recording some good resolution in his Journal he was in +the habit since her death of writing after it his wife's name--"Tetty." +It is only a word; but how eloquent it is! When a certain Mr. Edwards +asked him if he had ever known what it was to have a wife, Johnson +replied: "Sir, I have known what it was to have a wife, and (in a +solemn, tender, faltering tone) I have known what it was to _lose a +wife_. I had almost broke my heart." Nor did he allow himself to forget +this experience. To New Year's Day, Good Friday, Easter Day, and his own +birthday, which he set apart as sacred days dedicated to solemn thought +and high communion with his own soul, he added _the day of his wife's +death_. + +Nor are such separations less felt in humble life. A year or two ago the +newspapers in describing a colliery accident related that upon the tin +water-bottle of one of the dead men brought out of the Seaham Pit, there +was scratched, evidently with a nail, the following letter to his wife: +"DEAR MARGARET,--There was forty of us altogether at 7 A.M., some was +singing hymns, but my thought was on my little Michael. I thought that +him and I would meet in heaven at the same time. Oh, dear wife, God save +you and the children, and pray for myself. Dear wife, farewell. My last +thoughts are about you and the children. Be sure and learn the children +to pray for me. Oh, what a terrible position we are in.--MICHAEL SMITH, +54, Henry Street." The little Michael he refers to was his child whom he +had left at home ill. The lad died on the day of the explosion. + +A writer on _The Orkneys and Shetland_ tells the following. A native of +Hoy went one day to his minister and said, "Oh! sir, but the ways of +Providence are wonderful! I thought I had met with a sair misfortune +when I lost baith my coo and my wife at aince over the cliff, twa +months sin; but I gaed over to Graemsay, and I hae gotten a far better +coo and a far bonnier wife." + +That a wife is not always so easily replaced is evident from the +following letter which appeared in the Belfast papers: "SIR,--I request +permission to inform your readers of the fair sex that I have just +received a letter from a young man residing in a rapidly-rising town of +a few months' growth, and terminus of several railways, in one of the +Western States of America, telling me that he has lost his wife, and +would wish to get another one--a nice little Irish girl, just like the +other one; that she should be 'between twenty and twenty-five years of +age, of good habits, of good forme, vertchaus, and a Protestant.' My +correspondent, who is a perfect stranger to me, informs me that he is 28 +years of age, and 'ways' 150 lbs.; that he is a carpenter by trade, and +owns a farm of 65 acres, and that he can give the best of references. I +am writing to him for his references and his photograph, and also for a +photograph and description of his late wife, on receipt of which I will +address you again.--VERE FOSTER, Belfast, Jan. 5, 1883." + +This poor, uneducated carpenter was so happy with his nice little Irish +girl that when taken from him he could not help trying to get another +one just like her, and sends more than three thousand miles for a chip +of the old block. If any blame him for seeking for a second wife let +them reflect on the awful solitude of a backwoods settlement when the +prairie flower represented by a nice little Irish girl had faded and +died. By desiring to marry again he paid the highest compliment to his +first wife, for he showed that she had made him a happy man. + +It is sometimes said that the happiest days of a man's life is the day +of his wedding and the day of his wife's funeral. And the _Quarterly +Review_, in an article on Church Bells, related that one Thomas Nash in +1813 bequeathed fifty pounds a year to the ringers of the Abbey Church +at Westminster, "on condition of their ringing on the whole peal of +bells, with clappers muffled, various _solemn and doleful changes_ on +the 14th of May in every year, being the anniversary of my wedding-day; +and also on the anniversary of my decease to ring a grand bob-major, and +_merry, mirthful peals_, unmuffled, in joyful commemoration of my happy +release from domestic tyranny and wretchedness." + +As a rule, however, no matter how much a husband and wife have tormented +each other the separation when it comes is very painful. How true to +life is Trollope's description of the effect of Mrs. Proudie's death +upon the bishop. "A wonderful silence had come upon him which for the +time almost crushed him. He would never hear that well-known voice +again! He was free now. Even in his misery--for he was very +miserable--he could not refrain from telling himself that. No one could +now press uncalled for into his study, contradict him in the presence of +those before whom he was bound to be authoritative, and rob him of all +his dignity. There was no one else of whom he was afraid. She had at +least kept him out of the hands of other tyrants. He was now his own +master, and there was a feeling--I may not call it of relief, for as yet +there was more of pain in it than of satisfaction--a feeling as though +he had escaped from an old trouble at a terrible cost, of which he could +not as yet calculate the amount.... She had in some ways, and at certain +periods of his life, been very good to him. She had kept his money for +him and made things go straight when they had been poor. His interests +had always been her interests. Without her he would never have been a +bishop. So, at least, he told himself now, and so told himself probably +with truth. She had been very careful of his children. She had never +been idle. She had never been fond of pleasure. She had neglected no +acknowledged duty. He did not doubt that she was now on her way to +heaven. He took his hands down from his head, and clasping them +together, said a little prayer. It may be doubted, whether he quite knew +for what he was praying. The idea of praying for her soul, now that she +was dead, would have scandalized him. He certainly was not praying for +his own soul. I think he was praying that God might save him from being +glad that his wife was dead.... But yet his thoughts were very tender to +her. Nothing reopens the springs of love so fully as absence, and no +absence so thoroughly as that which must needs be endless. We want that +which we have not; and especially that which we can never have. She had +told him in the very last moments of her presence with him that he was +wishing that she were dead, and he had made her no reply. At the moment +he had felt, with savage anger, that such was his wish. Her words had +now come to pass, and he was a widower; and he assured himself that he +would give all that he possessed in the world to bring her back again." + +Richard Cobden once asked in reference to a famous and successful but +unscrupulous statesman, "How will it be with him when all is +retrospect?" Husband and wife, how will it be when death has separated +you, and your married life is retrospect? + +Many a man or woman, going on from day to day in the faithful +performance of duty, without any sweet token of approval to cheer the +sometimes weary path, would find it act as the very wine of life could +he or she only hear by anticipation some few of the passionate words of +appreciation or regret that will be spoken when the faithful heart, +stilled for ever, can no longer be moved by the tone of loving +commendation. Do not in this way let us keep all the good hermetically +sealed up till the supreme touch of death shall force it open. + + "Alas! how often at our hearths we see-- + And by our side--angels about to be!" + +But somehow the selfish absorption of life acts as a soporific to our +truer sense, and our "eyes are holden that we do not know them," until, +alas! it is too late, and they have "passed out of our sight." + + "Could ye come back to me, Douglas, Douglas, + In the old likeness that I knew, + I would be so faithful, so loving, Douglas-- + Douglas, Douglas! tender and true! + + Never a scornful word should grieve ye, + I'd smile on ye, sweet as the angels do; + Sweet as your smile on me shone ever-- + Douglas, Douglas! tender and true." + +"The grave buries every error, covers every defect, extinguishes every +resentment. From its peaceful bosom spring none but fond regrets and +tender recollections. Who can look down upon the grave of an enemy and +not feel a compunctious throb that he should have warred with the poor +handful of dust that lies mouldering before him?" If the love that is +lavished on the graves of dead friends were bestowed on living darlings +in equal measure, family life would be a different thing from what it +sometimes is. + +As George IV. put on the statue of George III. "pater optimus," best of +fathers, though he had embittered his father's life, so many a husband +tries to relieve his remorse by extravagantly praising the wife who when +alive never received any kindness from him. What is hell but truths +known too late? and the surviving one of a married pair has to the end +of life, if duty in matrimony has been neglected, the incessant wish +that something were otherwise than it had been. The one regret to avoid +is, that when married life is over, over for ever, to the survivor +should come the unutterable but saddening thought, that now, in the late +autumn of life, when experience can be no longer of any possible value, +he or she understands, at last understands, all that the chivalry of +holy matrimony implies and claims on both sides, in manly forbearance, +in delicate thoughtfulness, in loving courtesy. Too late now! + +Over the triple doorways of the cathedral of Milan there are three +inscriptions spanning the splendid arches. Over one is carved a +beautiful wreath of roses, and underneath is the legend "All that which +pleases is only for a moment." Over the other is a sculptured cross, and +there are the words, "All that which troubles is but for a moment." +Underneath the great central entrance in the main aisle is the +inscription, "That only is which is eternal." Make the most of the +happiness of your marriage, and the least of its vexations, for it is a +relation that will not last long. + +_Respice finem_, the old monks used to say in their meditations on life. +And if we would behave rightly in married life we must "consider the +end." Affections are never deepened and refined until the possibility of +loss is felt. "Whatsoever thou takest in hand, remember the end, and +thou shalt never do amiss." Spare all hard words, omit all slights, for +before long there will be a hearse standing at your door that will take +away the best friend that you have on earth--a good wife. Then the +silence will be appalling; the vacancies ghastly. Reminiscences will +rush on the heart like a mountain current over which a cloud has burst. +Her jewels, her books, her pictures, her dresses will be put into a +trunk and the lid will come down with a heavy thud, as much as to +say--"Dead! The morning dead. The night dead. The world dead." Oh! man, +if in that hour you think of any unkind word uttered, you will be +willing to pay in red coin of blood every drop from your heart, if you +could buy it back. Kindly words, sympathizing attentions, watchfulness +against wounding the sensitiveness of a wife or husband--it is the +omission of these things which is irreparable: irreparable, when we look +to the purest enjoyment which might have been our own; irreparable when +we consider the compunction which belongs to deeds of love not done. + +Carlyle never meant to be unkind to his wife, but in his late years he +thought that he had sacrificed her health and happiness in his +absorption in his work; that he had been negligent, inconsiderate, and +selfish. "For many years after she had left him," writes Mr. Froude, +"when he passed the spot where she was last seen alive, he would bare +his grey head in the wind and rain--his features wrung with unavailing +sorrow. 'Oh!' he often said to me, 'if I could but see her for five +minutes to assure her that I had really cared for her throughout all +that! But she never knew it, she never knew it!'" + +Sorrow, however, may teach us wisdom, and if we study patience in the +school of Christ much comfort will from thence be derived. And much hope +too. He is the resurrection and the life, and if we believe in Him we +believe that there is a Friend in whose arms we ourselves shall fall +asleep, and to whose love we may trust for the reunion, sooner or later, +of the severed links of sacred human affection. + + "And in that perfect Marriage Day + All earth's lost love shall live once more; + All lack and loss shall pass away, + And all find all not found before; + Till all the worlds shall live and glow + In that great love's great overflow." + + + + +INDEX. + + + Adam and Eve, their history repeated every day, 61; + had no relations-in-law in Paradise, 110. + + Advertisement, An, 34. + + Affection, A genius for, 39; + conjugal, largely depends on mutual confidence, 106. + + Age, Marriageable, of women, 37; + proper for a husband, 48. + + A Kempis, Thomas, Wise sentence of, 220. + + Alderman, Exclamation of the, 208. + + Alleine, Joseph, describes the inconveniences of a wife, 11. + + Appearances not to be entirely disregarded nor regarded too much, 126-8. + + Arnold, Dr., on dying childless, 148; + as a father, 179-80; + adapted correction to each particular case, 208; + the "almost awful happiness" of his domestic life, 256. + + Astor, John Jacob, on the care of property, 35. + + Attila, A domestic, 59. + + Aurelius, Marcus, on co-operation, 216. + + + Bacon, Lord, on marriage and celibacy, 14; + on abridging expenses, 120; + quotes the saying of a wise man, 128. + + Baird, Sir David, Anecdote of, 218. + + Baxter nursed in prison by his wife, 23. + + Beaconsfield, Lord, his opinion about marrying, 10; + anecdote of, 23; + his description of his wife, 41. + + Beauty, Not wise to marry for, 36; + health a condition of, 245. + + Bells, why are ladies like them? 40; + article on, in the _Quarterly Review_, 266. + + Belfast papers, The, letter in, 265. + + Bismarck, Prince, made by his wife, 23. + + Blaikie, Professor, on "How to get rid of trouble," 195. + + Boswell, his "matrimonial thought," 82. + + Braxfield, Lord, on the benefit of being hanged, 62. + + Bridegroom, Dutch courage of, 72; + driven to desperation, 83. + + Brontë, Charlotte, her last words, 260. + + Bunyan shown the pathway to heaven by his wife, 22. + + "Buried Alive," a Russian story referred to, 205. + + Burke on his domestic felicity, 23; + describes his wife's eyes, 189. + + Burleigh, Lord, advice to his son on the choice of a wife, 42. + + Burmah, Young men of, cured of aversion to marriage, 12. + + Bermuda, Servants in, 129. + + Burns on the qualities of a good wife, 41. + + Burton, Robert, for and against matrimony, 13, 14; + tells of a remedy for a husband's impatience, 203; + gives instances of love surviving marriage, 255-6. + + Byron, Lord, tells a story of a learned Jew, 88; + spoiled by his mother, 166. + + + Carlyle, Thomas, his inscription upon his wife's tombstone, 28; + advice to the discontented, 62; + cautions a servant "abounding in grace," 135; + the way he and his wife pulled together, 218; + his definition of "holy," 244; + on dyspepsia, 246; + his way of expressing sympathy, 247; + birthday presents to his wife, 257-8; + his remorse, 270. + + Carlyle, Mrs., her advice, 49; + her "mutinous maids of all work," 135; + describes Mrs. Leigh Hunt's housekeeping, 224-5; + her culinary trials, 225; + "If he would only be satisfied!" 237. + + Castile, Admiral of, his saying about marrying a wife, 10. + + Catacombs at Rome, Inscriptions in, 136, 261. + + Celibacy has less pleasure and less pain than marriage, 10; + an unnatural state, 16. + + Cobbe, Miss, on the moral atmosphere of the house, 194. + + Cobbett on the wretchedness of old bachelorship, 17; + on industry in a wife, 39; + "comforts" his wife, 96; + an interesting bit of autobiography, 105; + a soldier's philosophy, 172; + "He never disappointed me in his life," 241. + + Conjugal felicity, Secret of, 6; + largely depends on mutual confidence, 106. + + Connoisseur, Hasty exclamation of a, 65. + + Courtship, Love-making should not end with, 5, 229; + people unknown to each other during, 53, 80; + with lawyer's advice, 125; + the tempestuous love of does not remain, 255. + + _Chambers' Journal_ gives instances of matrimonial tribulation, 57. + + Chesterfield on behaviour to servants, 134. + + Chicago, A young lady of, 124. + + Children, Only, 149; + quality more to be desired than quantity of, 150; + imitate their elders, 158. + + China, Narrative of a journey through the south border lands of, 91. + + Clarendon printing-office, 58. + + Clergymen, Sons of, 173. + + Clerk, A married, excuses himself, 148. + + Cowper and his mother, 164. + + Curran felt his wife and children tugging at his gown, 24; + his mother and father, 165. + + + Dale, R. W., of Birmingham, believes in falling in love, 47. + + Daughters, Fourteen of my, 150. + + David, King, lays up materials for his son, 145. + + Dealer, A Scotch, "tried _baith_," 32; + confesses the failings of a horse, 235. + + De Sales, St. Francis, on quarrels, 103. + + De Tocqueville, Letter of, about his wife, 21. + + Dickens tells an American story, 50. + + Dictionary, a town--why so called, 55. + + Digestion disturbed by "a few words," 208. + + Diogenes, why he struck a father, 173. + + Dress indicates character, 39. + + Dulness a "serious complaint," 89. + + Dunmow flitch, The, 212. + + + Edison, Anecdote of, 33. + + Emerson thinks children always interesting, 147. + + Eliot, George, on marriage, 6; + on disappointment, 57; + remarks about the best society, 115, + weak women, 145; + "Silas Marner" referred to, 155, 215, 236. + + Ellenborough, Lord, Anecdote of, 188. + + Erskine illustrates the fact that union is strength, 216. + + Eve "kept silence to hear her husband talk," 209. + + Exactingness causes domestic misery, 219. + + + Family, A "large little," 149; + what constitutes a large, _ibid._; + government of, 182-3. + + Fanshawe, Sir Richard, and his wife, 107-9. + + Faraday on his marriage, 256. + + Farmer, country, a, Remark of, 83; + story of, 204. + + Farrar, Archdeacon, on non-appreciation, 3. + + "Faults are thick where love is thin," 61; + difficult to find fault well, 207. + + Financier, Saying of the French, 245. + + Flaxman, sculptor, and his wife, 25-6. + + Foote, Sam, and his mother, 167. + + Franklin, Benjamin, approves of marriage, 16; + afraid of luxury, 121; + answers the question, "Of what use is it?" 146; + on "Idle Silence," 194. + + Fry, Mrs. Elizabeth, A wish of, 261. + + Fuller on domestic jars, 5; + on the obedience of a wife, 99. + + Furnishing, its importance, 113; + A safe rule in, 115: + its expense, 118. + + + Garfield, President, U.S., reverenced boys, 190. + + Garth, Sir Samuel, Anecdote of, 251. + + Girl, Question of a little, 205. + + Goethe and his mother, 163; + turned every affliction into a poem, 198. + + Gough, temperance orator, gives the case of an American convict, 111. + + _Graphic, The_, Case quoted from, 110. + + Gray the poet grateful to his mother, 164. + + Green, John Richard, the historian, his life prolonged by his wife, 96. + + Guizot, his estimate of domestic affections, 23. + + + Hall, Robert, preacher, reproves a young mother, 170; + "I never lived with her!" 223; + his brave patience, 253. + + Hall, Mr. S. C, on the fifty-fourth anniversary of his marriage, 259. + + Hamilton, Sir William, greatly assisted by his wife, 27. + + Hare, Mrs., Saying of about her husband, 4. + + Happiness, A natural genius for, 199; + the most powerful of tonics, 247. + + Hawthorne, Story of, 95. + + Helps, Sir Arthur, quoted, 67. + + Henderson, Sir Edmund, on civility, 184. + + Hill, Roland, his practical view of religion, 186. + + Holmes, Oliver Wendell, describes the effect of an headache, 246. + + Home, a school of manners, 190; + the real happiness of, 192, 200, 202. + + Honeymoon, The, "above the snowline," 81; + in winter, 82; + halcyon period, 84; + two opposite opinions about, quoted, 85. + + Hood, his gratitude to his wife, 27. + + Housekeeping, Knowledge of, 38, 227. + + Huber worked with the eyes of his wife, 26. + + Humour, Good, has a magical power, 229. + + Hunt, Leigh, his happiness in his wife and children, 11; + saying of, 224. + + Husbands, absentee, 94, 240; + may be too much at home, 95; + the management of, 230-2; + as much to blame as wives, 236; + often fail to express love, 237; + the duties of, 217, 237, &c. + + Hutchinson, Colonel, his generosity to his wife, 123; + his message to her, 262. + + Huxley, Professor, on the "educational abomination of desolation," 174. + + + Incumbent, A Hampshire, on blunders made in the Marriage Service, 87. + + Insurance, Life, 124. + + Irishman, The, his reason for disagreeing with his wife, 6; + sayings of, 55, 203, 219. + + + Jameson, Mrs., 101. + + Jealousy, amusing case of, 104; + incompatible with love of the highest kind, 106. + + Jerrold, Douglas, a comment of, 48; + defines the shirt of Nessus, 125. + + Jews, Anecdotes of, 56, 88. + + Johnson, Dr., his estimate of marriage, 16, 32; + his journey to Derby to be married, 74; + his definition of the honeymoon, 80; + "Ignorance, Madam," 102; + influence of little things upon happiness, 114; + on spending money, 120-1; + answers the question, "Would you advise me to marry?" 143; + "Ay, sir, fifty thousand," 213; + a wife should be a companion, 228; + on sickness, 246; + "Tetty," 263. + + + Keats, 92. + + Kemble, Frances, on feminine fashion, 145; + on domestic economy, 224. + + Kingsley, Canon, sketch of as a father, 175-8; + letter to his wife, 254. + + + Lady, Story of a deaf and dumb, 152; + a Scotch, 9, 71, 90; + an old, on the loss of children, 153. + + Laird, A Scotch, answer of, to his butler, 230. + + Lamb, Charles, and his sister, 94; + on children, 152. + + Landels, Dr., describes a husband, 92. + + Lansdell, Dr., tells of an ancient Russian custom, 99; + of a convict servant, 133. + + "Laugh and be well," 199. + + Leg, a well-formed and a crooked, 61. + + Legend, An old heathen, 232. + + Levite, An humble-minded, 187. + + Little things, effect of, on happiness, 4, 7, 193, 241. + + Locke, John, on keeping accounts, 125. + + Longfellow, his lines to a child, 154. + + Lottery, Is marriage a? 43. + + Luther, his estimate of marriage, and of his wife, 16, 23; + letter to his little boy, 180-1. + + + Macaulay, Lord, at home, 242. + + Macdonald, George, his lines on "The Baby," 160. + + Maginn, his answer, 126. + + Martineau, Harriet, and her servants, 135. + + Maurice, Rev. F. D., answer of, 98. + + Mayoralty of Paris, Marriage at, 73. + + Milan, Cathedral of, inscriptions over the doorways, 269. + + Mill, John Stuart, dedication of his essay "On Liberty," 29. + + Minister, A Scotch, 10, 43, 67, 76, 119, 215, 255. + + Money, Do not marry for, 35; + necessary for marriage, 119; + we should be careful but not penurious, 122; + "Spent it all," 123; + a wife's allowance, 124. + + Monotony makes men fractious, 205. + + Moore, Sir John, on the lottery of marriage, 43. + + More, Sir Thomas, his home, 69. + + Morton, Sir Albert, grief of his wife for him, 262. + + Mothers, true and false love of, 167; + their instruction never lost, 168. + + + Nabal and Abigail, 59. + + Nagging often caused by _ennui_, 230. + + Napier, Sir Charles, benefited by hard work, 249. + + Napier, Lady, the literary helper of her husband, 27. + + Napoleon Buonaparte on mothers, 162; + referred to, 173. + + Nasmyth, James, his married life, 256. + + Necker, Madame, Anecdote of, 49. + + Nursery-maid, Rejoinder of a, 150. + + + Orkneys and Shetland, The, a writer on, 264. + + + Parents, who should and who should not be, 144; + rules for, 182. + + Pasteur, M., his marriage, 74. + + Payn, Mr. James, asks "Where is the children's fun?" 174. + + Perthes, Caroline, and her husband, 238, 256. + + Pitt, his butcher's bill, 120. + + Plato, his theory about marriage, 54; + on just penalties, 198. + + Pliny the Younger, Letter of, 90. + + Portia, 59. + + Praise a positive duty, 194. + + Pulpit, Suggestion from an American, 5. + + Putting things, The art of, 207. + + + Quaker, Saying of an old, 155. + + Queen, Her Majesty the, describes the Prince Consort, 243. + + Quickly, Mrs., her advice to Falstaff, 7. + + + Record, The Sanitary, enumerates some common mistakes, 250. + + Religion required in marriage, 8, 76; + grotesque perversions of, 183. + + Remedy, A very simple, 250. + + Reynolds tells of a free-and-easy actor, 209. + + Rhodophe, Anecdote of, 53. + + Richter, his estimate of a wife, 20; + on love, 187; + on childhood, 190. + + Robertson (of Brighton) on the drudgery of domestic life, 70; + a girl's gratitude for a kind look, 210. + + Robinson, Professor, on infancy, 159. + + Rochefoucauld, An untrue remark of, 255. + + Romilly, Sir Samuel, his experience, 30. + + + Sainte-Beuve on family life, 70. + + Scotchman, A, on the Sabbath, 183. + + Scott, Sir Walter, ascribed his success to his wife, and to his + mother, 25, 163. + + Seneca quoted, 62. + + Sheridan, his poetical defence of Lady Erskine, 189. + + Siddons, Mrs., at home, 227. + + Silence may be an instrument of torture, 209. + + Simonides never regretted holding his tongue, 202. + + Smith, Michael, Letter of, 264. + + Smith, Sydney, his definition of marriage, 5; + on the rights and feelings of others, 185; + "All this is the lobster," 198; + on late hours, 252; + his cheerful spirit, 253. + + Smyth, H., claims £10,000 for his murdered wife, 31. + + Socrates, Quiet remark of, 61; + asks for double fees, 202. + + Somerville, Mary, anecdote in the memoirs of, 8; + a good housekeeper, 227. + + Spencer, Herbert, on preparation for parenthood, 140, 143; + on physical sins, 253. + + Sterne, on the best of men, 61; + answers Smelfungus, 246. + + Steward, A Scotch, answer of, 35. + + Stratocles a woman-hater, 15. + + Submission, Cheerful, of the poor, 197. + + Sussex, labourer, a, asks a question, 128. + + Sutherland, Duke of, believes he is going to be married, 72. + + Swift and his cook, 58; + letter to a young lady, 126; + his answer to a Dublin lady, 127; + reason why so few marriages are happy, 222. + + + Talmud, The Jewish, on the treatment of women, 186. + + Taylor, Jeremy, on choice in matrimony, 45; + offences to be avoided by the newly-married, 102; + on children, 147; + a quaint illustration, 220; + on the dominion of a husband, 239. + + Thackeray, on the sort of wives men want, 41; + on hard work, 249. + + Thrale, Mrs., letter of, 54. + + Trollope describes the idea women have of men, 30; + Mrs. Proudie's death, 266. + + Trouble, how it may be effaced, 196-8. + + + Walpole, Sir Robert, saying of, 188. + + Ward, Artemus, and Betsy Jane, 50; + introduced to Brigham Young's mother-in-law, 109. + + Webster, what he thought of marriage, 66. + + Weinsberg, women remove their valuables from, 31. + + Weller, Mr., on matrimony as a teacher, 66. + + Wellington, Duke of, on paying bills, 125; + his cook, 136. + + Wesley, Mrs., as a mother, 165. + + Westminster Abbey, Gravestone in Cloisters of, 148. + + Wheatly on the wedding-ring, 78. + + Wife, A good, more than a cook and housekeeper, 228; + requires change and recreation, 229, 240. + + Wilberforce, Miss, 221. + + Wilde, Oscar, on the photographs of relations, 115. + + Wish, The old wedding, 212. + + Woman, Definitions of, 37, 222, 234; + value of her advice, 239. + + Word, The last, what is the use of? 204. + + Word-battles, Matrimonial, 206. + + Wordsworth, Anecdote of, 31. + + + Young, Brigham, his doctrine, 19; + his mother-in-law--how many? 109. + + + UNWIN BROTHERS, + PRINTERS, + CHILWORTH AND LONDON. + + + + +CATALOGUE + +OF + +NEW AND RECENT + +BOOKS + +_PUBLISHED BY_ + +MR. T. FISHER UNWIN. + + + + + London: + 26, PATERNOSTER SQUARE. + 1886-7. + + + + +_MR. UNWIN takes pleasure in sending herewith a Catalogue of Books +published by him._ + +_As each New Edition of it is issued, it will be sent +post free+ to +Booksellers, Libraries, Book Societies, and Book Buyers generally--a +register being kept for that purpose._ + +_Book Buyers are requested to order any Books they may require from +their local Bookseller._ + +_Should any difficulty arise, the Publisher will be happy to forward any +Book, +CARRIAGE FREE+, to any Country in the Postal Union, on receipt of +the price marked in this list, together with full Postal Address._ + +_Customers wishing to present a book to a friend can send a card +containing their name and a dedication or inscription to be enclosed, +and it will be forwarded to the address given._ + +_Remittances should be made by Money Order, draft on London, registered +letter, or half-penny stamps._ + +_After perusal of this Catalogue, kindly pass it on to some Book-buying +friend._ + + + + +CATALOGUE OF MR. T. FISHER UNWIN'S PUBLICATIONS. + +Autumn-Christmas Season, 1886. + + * * * * * + +"HISTORIA SANCTĈ CRUCIS." _With Illustrations._ + + * * * * * + +=THE LEGENDARY HISTORY OF THE CROSS=: A Series of Sixty-Four Woodcuts, +from a Dutch book published by VELDENER, A.D. 1483. With an Introduction +written and Illustrated by JOHN ASHTON, and a Preface by the Rev. S. +BARING-GOULD, M.A. Square 8vo., bound in parchment, old style, brass +clasps. 10s. 6d. + + "The mediĉval romance of the Cross was very popular. It occurs in + a good number of authors, and is depicted in a good many churches + in stained glass.... It would seem that it was made up by some + romancer out of all kinds of pre-existing material, with no other + object than to write a religious novel for pious readers, to + displace the sensuous novels which were much in vogue."--FROM THE + PREFACE. + +This pictorial version of the Legend is taken from a work that is now +almost unique, only three copies being known to be in existence. The +Editorial portions contain, besides a full paraphrase of the woodcuts, a +fac-simile reprint of the Legend from Caxton's "Golden Legends of the +Saints," also much curious information respecting the early History of +the Legend, the controversies in which it has been involved, and the +question of relics. Copies are also given of some Fifteenth Century +frescoes of English workmanship formerly existing at Stratford-on-Avon. +Altogether the book forms an interesting memorial of the quaint lore +that has gathered round this "religious novel" of the Middle Ages. + + * * * * * + +A VOLUME OF MEDIĈVAL ROMANCES. + +EDITED BY JOHN ASHTON. + +=ROMANCES OF CHIVALRY=: Told and Illustrated in Fac-simile, by JOHN +ASHTON, Author of "The Dawn of the Nineteenth Century in England," &c. +Forty-six Illustrations. Demy 8vo., cloth elegant, gilt tops. 18s. + +The "ROMANCES OF CHIVALRY" were the Novels of the Middle Ages, from the +13th to the 16th centuries. They are highly sensational, full of +incident, and never prolix. To render these Romances more interesting to +the general reader, Mr. Ashton has fac-similed a number of the +contemporary engravings, which are wonderfully quaint, and throw much +light on the Manners and Costumes of the period. + + "An interesting feature in the book consists in the + illustrations, which are fac-similes done by the author himself, + and done with much success, from the early engravings.... This is + likely to prove a useful and welcome book."--_Contemporary + Review._ + + * * * * * + +=LEGENDS AND POPULAR TALES OF THE BASQUE PEOPLE.= By MARIANA MONTEIRO. +With full-page Illustrations in Photogravure by HAROLD COPPING. Fcap. +4to., cloth. 10s. 6d. + +CONTENTS. + + I. Aquelarre. + II. Arguiduna. + III. Maitagarri. + IV. Roland's Bugle-Horn. + V. Jaun-Zuria, Prince of Erin. + VI. The Branch of White Lilies. + VII. The Song of Lamia. + VIII. Virgin of the Five Towns. + IX. Chaunt of the Crucified. + X.-XI. The Raids. The Holy War. + XII. The Prophecy of Lara. + XIII. Hurca Mendi. + +Fine edition of 100 copies of the above, medium 4to., numbered and +signed by the Author, printed on Dutch hand-made paper, with +India-proofs of the Photogravures £1 1s. net. + + "Deeply interesting. There is much in them that is wierd and + beautiful, much that is uncouth and grotesque. To the student of + folk-lore they will be as a mine of newly-discovered wealth. As + to the literary merit of the book, it is by no means + inconsiderable."--_Scotsman._ + + * * * * * + +=MODERN HINDUISM=: Being an account of the Religion and Life of the +Hindus in Northern India. By W. J. WILKINS, of the London Missionary +Society, Author of "Hindu Mythology--Vedic and Puranic." Demy +8vo., cloth. 16s. + + * * * * * + +A GIFT-BOOK FOR GIRLS. + +=IN THE TIME OF ROSES=: A Tale of Two Summers. Told and Illustrated by +FLORENCE and EDITH SCANNELL, Author and Artist of "Sylvia's Daughters." +Thirty-two full-page and other Illustrations. Square Imp. 16mo., cloth. +5s. + +CONTENTS. + +Capri.--Isolina.--"Good-bye, Capri."--The Yellow Cottage.--The School +Treat.--Home Again!--The Garden Party.--Geraldine makes a +discovery.--Isolina's Flight.--Wedding Bells. + + "A very charming story, superior in literary style and as food + for the mind and the taste to most books written for girls. Miss + Edith Scannell's illustrations are very happy."--_Scotsman._ + + * * * * * + +A CHILDREN'S STORY-BOOK. + +=PRINCE PEERLESS=: A Fairy-Folk Story-Book. By the Hon. MARGARET COLLIER +(Madame Galletti di Cadilhac), Author of "Our Home by the Adriatic." +Illustrated by the Hon. JOHN COLLIER. Square Imp. 16mo., cloth. 5s. + +CONTENTS. + +Fairy Folk.--The Great Snow Mountain.--The Ill-Starred Princess.--The +Sick Fairy.--Two Fairies.--The Shadow World.--Prince +Peerless.--Something New. + + "Simply delightful in style and fancy, and in its perfect + reproduction of the old fairy world. These stories will be a + valuable addition to our literature for children; and will be + read with no less enjoyment for their literary and artistic + excellence by their elders. The illustrations by the Hon. John + Collier are artistical and beautiful."--_Scotsman._ + + * * * * * + +A BOY'S STORY-BOOK. + +=BOYS' OWN STORIES.= By ASCOTT R. HOPE, Author of "Stories of Young +Adventurers," "Stories out of School Time," &c. Eight Illustrations. +Crown 8vo., cloth. 5s. + + "This is a really admirable selection of genuine narrative and + history, treated with discretion and skill by the author. Mr. + Hope has not gathered his stores from the highway, but has + explored far afield in less-beaten tracks, as may be seen in his + 'Adventures of a Ship boy' and 'A Smith among + Savages.'"--_Saturday Review._ + + * * * * * + +=TALES OF THE CALIPH.= By AL ARAWIYAH. Crown 8vo., cloth. 2s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +By Author of "How to be Happy though Married." + +"=MANNERS MAKYTH MAN.=" Imp. 16mo., cloth, 6s.; fine edition, bevelled +edges, in box. 7s. 6d. + +_The First Edition of "Manners Makyth Man" was exhausted on the day of +Publication. A Second Edition is now ready._ + + EXTRACT FROM PREFACE.--"I am showing my gratitude to the public + for their very kind reception of 'How to be Happy though Married' + by now presenting to them another little book with my best + 'manners!' It is not a book of etiquette, for I am by no means a + master of ceremonies; nor does the motto of Winchester College, + 'Manners Makyth Man,' refer to those social rules and forms which + are often only substitutes for good manners, but rather to + manners in the old sense of the word which we see in the text, + 'Evil communications corrupt good manners.'" + + "The volume is a bright one, and should rival its predecessor in + popular esteem."--_Publishers' Circular._ + + * * * * * + +=A COMTIST LOVER=, and Other Studies. By ELIZABETH RACHEL CHAPMAN, +Author of "The New Godiva," "A Tourist Idyl," &c. Crown 8vo., cloth. 6s. + +CONTENTS.--Part I.--A Comtist Lover: Being a Dialogue on Positivism and +the Zeitgeist--The Extension of the Law of Kindness: Being an Essay on +the Rights of Animals. Part II.--The Delphine of Madame de Staël--Some +Immortality--Thoughts--Some Novels of William Black. + + * * * * * + +"LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL." + +=THE LAZY MINSTREL.= By J. ASHBY-STERRY, Author of "Boudoir Ballads," +"Shuttlecock Papers," &c. With vignette frontispiece. Fcap. 8vo., cloth, +printed on hand-made paper. 6s. + +Fine Edition of 50 copies of the above, crown 4to., printed on Dutch +hand-made paper, each copy numbered and signed by the Author. £1 1s. +net. + + "Emphatically 'nice' in the nicest--the old-fashioned--sense of + the word.... Altogether, a delicate little tome.... Graceful and, + on occasion, tender."--G. A. S., in _The Illustrated London + News_, Oct. 31, 1886 + + * * * * * + +=SAINT HILDRED=: A Romaunt in Verse. By GERTRUDE HARRADEN. Illustrated +by J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE. Small crown 8vo. 2s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +PRIZE BOOK FOR CHILDREN. + +=THE BIRD'S NEST=, and Other Sermons for Children of all Ages. By Rev. +SAMUEL COX, D.D., Author of "Expositions," &c. Imp. 16mo., cloth. 6s. + + "Possess a singular charm, due to their expository character, to + the labour expended upon them by a master-mind, and to the + writer's felicitous style.... A volume which every parent may + gladly see in the hands of children, for whom it will have a + great attraction, and to whose hearts its words cannot fail to + win their way."--_Church Sunday School Magazine._ + + * * * * * + +CHRISTIAN EVIDENCES. + +=THE BIBLE AND THE AGE=; or, An Elucidation of the Principles of a +Consistent and Verifiable Interpretation of Scripture. By CUTHBERT +COLLINGWOOD, M.A., and B.M. Oxon., Author of "New Studies in Christian +Theology," &c. Demy 8vo., cloth. 10s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +=THE BERWICK HYMNAL.= Edited by the Rev. A. W. OXFORD, M.A., Vicar of +St. Luke's, Berwick Street, Soho. Imp. 32mo. 2s. + + * * * * * + +=THE PAROUSIA.= A Critical Inquiry into the New Testament Doctrine of +Our Lord's Second Coming. By the Rev. J. S. RUSSELL, M.A. New and +cheaper Edition. Demy 8vo., cloth. 7s. 6d. + + "Critical, in the best sense of the word. Unlike many treatises + on the subject, this is a sober and reverent investigation, and + abounds in a careful and instructive exegesis of every passage + bearing upon it."--_Nonconformist._ + + * * * * * + +=ANNE GILCHRIST=: Her Life and Writings. Edited by HERBERT HARLAKENDEN +GILCHRIST. Prefatory Notice by WILLIAM MICHAEL ROSSETTI. 10 Illusts. +Demy 8vo., cloth. (_In preparation_). 16s. + +I. Ancestry.--II. Childhood.--III. Schooldays.--IV. The Honeymoon.--V. +The First Home.--VI. Life at Chelsea. VII. A Letter from Jane +Carlyle.--VIII. A Present from Jane Carlyle.--IX. Dante Gabriel +Rossetti.--X. Last Year of Life at 6, Great Cheyne Row.--XI Jane Welsh +Carlyle writes to her Neighbour.--XII. Shottermill.--XIII. Letter from +Dante Gabriel Rossetti.--XIV. Last Letter from Jane Welsh Carlyle.--XV. +Letter from Christian G. Rossetti.--XVI. Letter from Christian G. +Rossetti.--XVII. Jenny.--XVIII. George Eliot.--XIX. The New +Country.--XX. The Return.--XXI. Mary Lamb.--Essays. + + * * * * * + +THE STORY OF THE NATIONS. + + "The series is likely to be found indispensable in every school + library."--_Pall Mall Gazette._ + +A Series of Short Popular Histories, printed in good readable type, and +forming handsome well-bound volumes. Crown 8vo., Illustrated and +furnished with Maps and Indexes, price 5s. each. + + * * * * * + +=ROME.= By ARTHUR GILMAN, M.A., Author of "A History of the American +People," &c. Second Edition. + + "We heartily commend this volume."--_Schoolmaster._ + + "A clear and complete view of the rise and progress of the Roman + nation."--_Congregationalist._ + + * * * * * + +=THE JEWS=: In Ancient, Mediĉval, and Modern Times. By Prof. J. K. +HOSMER. + + "The story of the Jews, when well told, as it is here, is one of + thrilling satisfaction, and fruitful in + instruction."--_Educational Times._ + + * * * * * + +=GERMANY.= Rev. S. BARING-GOULD, Author of "Curious Myths of the Middle +Ages," &c. + + "Mr. Baring-Gould tells his stirring tale with knowledge and + perspicuity. He is a thorough master of his subject."--_Globe._ + + * * * * * + +=CARTHAGE.= By Prof. ALFRED J. CHURCH, Author of "Stories from the +Classics," &c. + + "A trustworthy and well-balanced delineation of the part played + by Carthage in European history.... The illustrations are + numerous and have considerable archĉological + interest."--_Scotsman._ + + * * * * * + +=ALEXANDER'S EMPIRE.= By Prof. J. P. MAHAFFY, Author of "Social Life in +Greece," &c. + + * * * * * + +=THE MOORS IN SPAIN.= By STANLEY LANE POOLE, Author of "Studies in a +Mosque," &c. + + * * * * * + +=HUNGARY.= By Prof. VAMBÉRY, Author of "Travels in Central Asia," &c. + + * * * * * + +=EGYPT.= By Prof. GEO. RAWLINSON, Author of "The Five Great Monarchies +of the World," &c. + + * * * * * + +=SPAIN.= By Rev. E. E. and SUSAN HALE. + + * * * * * + +_Other Volumes in preparation._ + + * * * * * + +POLITICAL WORKS. + +IRELAND AND HOME RULE. + +=THE MAKING OF THE IRISH NATION=: AND THE FIRST-FRUITS OF FEDERATION. BY +J. A. PARTRIDGE, Author of "Democracy: Its Factors and Conditions," +"From Feudal to Federal," &c. Demy 8vo., cloth. 6s. + + "This is a complete handbook on the Irish question.... The whole + case is stated by Mr. Partridge in the clearest and most cogent + fashion. As a piece of literary workmanship, the book is for the + most part of the highest class. The style is lofty, the tone is + often passionate and extreme, but the argumentation is throughout + sound."--_Lancaster Guardian._ + + * * * * * + +=LABOUR, LAND, AND LAW=: A Search for the Missing Wealth of the Working +Poor. By WILLIAM A. PHILLIPS, Member of the Committee on Public Lands, +Forty-third Congress, and on Banking and Currency, Forty-fifth Congress. +Demy 8vo., cloth. 9s. + + "He writes in a clear, brisk American style, which leaves his + readers in no doubt as to what he means. He is evidently a man of + considerable ability and a student of social and economical + problems.... There is a great deal of statistical information to + be found in 'Labour, Land, and Law.'"--_St. James's Gazette._ + + * * * * * + +=THE BALKAN PENINSULA.= By M. EMILE DE LAVELEYE. Translated by Mrs. +THORPE. Edited and Revised for the English public by the Author. With a +new chapter bringing events up to date. 8vo., cloth. _In preparation._ + + * * * * * + +=THE BRIDE OF GREENLAWNS=; or, William Woodman's Trust. A Parable of Mr. +Gladstone and Ireland. Fcap. 8vo. 6d. + + * * * * * + +"=DOTTINGS OF A DOSSER.=" Being Revelations of the Inner Life of Low +London Lodging Houses. By HOWARD J. GOLDSMID. Fcap. 8vo. 1s. + + * * * * * + +NEW EDITIONS. + +BRIDAL GIFT EDITION OF + +=HOW TO BE HAPPY THOUGH MARRIED.= Being a Handbook to Marriage. By a +Graduate in the University of Matrimony. Imp. 16mo., white vellum cloth, +extra gilt, bev. boards, gilt edges, in box. 7s. 6d. + +Fifth and Popular Edition. Small square 8vo. 3s. 6d. + + "We strongly recommend this book as one of the best of wedding + presents. It is a complete handbook to an earthly Paradise, and + its author may be regarded as the Murray of Matrimony and the + Baedeker of Bliss."--_Pall Mall Gazette._ + + "The author has successfully accomplished a difficult task in + writing a clever and practical book on the important subject of + matrimony.... This book, which is at once entertaining and full + of wise precepts, deserves to be widely read."--_Morning Post._ + + * * * * * + +=CHARLES DICKENS AS I KNEW HIM=: The Story of the Reading Tours in Great +Britain and America (1866-1870). By GEORGE DOLBY. New and cheaper +edition. Crown 8vo. 3s. 6d. + + "Will certainly be read with interest by all who admire the great + writer."--_Daily Telegraph._ + + * * * * * + +=THE DAWN OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY IN ENGLAND=: A Social Sketch of the +Times. By JOHN ASHTON, Author of "Social Life in the Reign of Queen +Anne," &c. Cheaper ed., in 1 vol. Illus. La. cr. 8vo., 10s. 6d. + + "The book is one continued source of pleasure and interest, and + opens up a wide field for speculation and comment. No one can + take it up in a moody moment without losing much of his + discontent, and many of us will look upon it as an important + contribution to contemporary history, not easily available to + others than close students, and not made into its pleasing and + entertaining form without a literary skill which is not by any + means common."--_Antiquary._ + + * * * * * + +A New and Cheaper Edition (being the Fifth) of + +=THE LIVES OF ROBERT & MARY MOFFAT.= By their Son, JOHN SMITH MOFFAT. +With New Preface and Supplementary Chapter by the Author. Four +Portraits, Four Illustrations (two of which are new), and Two Maps. +Crown 8vo., cloth. 7s. 6d. + +Presentation Edition. Full gilt elegant, bevelled boards, gilt edges, in +box. 10s. 6d. + + "An inspiring record of calm, brave, wise work, and will find a + place of value on the honoured shelf of missionary biography. The + biographer has done his work with reverent care, and in a + straightforward unaffected style."--_Contemporary Review._ + + * * * * * + +=STUDIES OF THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY IN ITALY.= By VERNON LEE, Author of +"Ottilie," &c. Demy 8vo., cloth. 7s. 6d. + + "These studies show a wide range of knowledge of the subject, + precise investigation, abundant power of illustration, and + healthy enthusiasm.... The style of writing is cultivated, neatly + adjusted, and markedly clever."--_Saturday Review._ + + "A singularly delightful and very able volume."--_Westminster + Review._ + + * * * * * + +=EUPHORION=: Studies of the Antique and the Mediĉval in the Renaissance. +By VERNON LEE, Author of "Belcaro," &c. Cheap Edition in one volume. +Demy 8vo., cloth. 7s. 6d. + + "The book is bold, extensive in scope, and replete with + well-defined and unhackneyed ideas, clear impressions, and + vigorous and persuasive modes of writing."--_Athenĉum._ + + * * * * * + +=BELCARO=: Being Essays on Sundry Ĉsthetical Questions. By VERNON LEE, +Author of "Euphorion," "Baldwin," &c. Crown 8vo., cloth. 5s. + + "This way of conveying ideas is very fascinating, and has an + effect of creating activity in the reader's mind which no other + mode can equal. From first to last there is a continuous and + delightful stimulation of thought."--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=POETS IN THE GARDEN.= By MAY CROMMELIN, Author of "Joy," "In the West +Countrie," &c. Cheap and Popular Edition, with Coloured Frontispiece. +Square pott 16mo., cloth binding. 6s. + + This edition is printed on a thinner paper, and more simply + bound. The text, however, is identical with the half-guinea + edition. + + "Decidedly a happy idea.... The volume is finely printed, and + gracefully designed."--_Times._ + + "Merely to describe this book is to write its commendation. It is + an anthology in double sense."--_Academy._ + +Still on sale, a few copies of the First Edition, containing Eight +Coloured Illustrations. Square pott 16mo., cloth elegant, fine paper, +gilt edges, bev. boards. 10s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +POPULAR EDITION OF THE "SHAH NAMEH." + +=HEROIC TALES.= Retold from Firdusi the Persian. By HELEN ZIMMERN, +Author of "Stories in Precious Stones," &c. With Etchings by L. ALMA +TADEMA, and Prefatory Poem by E. W. GOSSE. Pop Ed. Cr. 8vo., cl. extra, +5s. + + "Charming from beginning to end.... Miss Zimmern deserves all + credit for her courage in attempting the task, and for her + marvellous success in carrying it out."--_Saturday Review._ + + * * * * * + +=A DIARY OF GOLDEN THOUGHTS FOR THE YEAR.= New edition, interleaved with +ruled paper. Can be used as a Birthday and Event Book of the Home Life. +Cloth boards, 2s.; Parchment. 1s. 6d. + + "A little oblong book, very daintily and tastefully got-up, + containing admirably selected brief extracts from great + writers."--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=A ROLL OF GOLDEN THOUGHTS FOR THE YEAR=; or, Permanent Diary of Wise +Sayings from the Best Writers of all Times and Climes. Contents +identical with the above, but arranged in oblong shape. Mounted on gilt +wire, and suspended by ribands. 1s. 6d. + + "Choicely and delicately produced."--_Christian._ + + * * * * * + +=FAIRY TALES FROM BRENTANO.= Told in English by KATE FREILIGRATH +KROEKER. Twenty-two Illustrations by F. CARRUTHERS GOULD. Cheap and +Popular Edition. Square Imp. 16mo. 3s. 6d. + + "The extravagance of invention displayed in his tales will render + them welcome in the nursery. The translation--not an easy + task--has been very cleverly accomplished."--_The Academy._ + + "An admirable translator in Madame Kroeker, and an inimitable + illustrator in Mr. Carruthers Gould."--_Truth._ + + * * * * * + +=WHEN I WAS A CHILD=; or, Left Behind. By LINDA VILLARI, Author of "On +Tuscan Hills," &c. Illustrated. Square 8vo., cloth, gilt edges. 3s. 6d. + +"It is fresh and bright from the first chapter to the last."--_Morning +Post._ + +"A very clever, vivid and realistic story."--_Truth._ + + * * * * * + +=SOUTHWOOD=: A Tale. By CATHARINE STURGE, Compiler of "A Diurnal for the +Changes and Chances of this Mortal Life," &c. Frontispiece. Sm. cr. +8vo., 2s. 6d. + + "A thoroughly healthy and well-written tale. The plot is very + good."--_Presbyterian Messenger._ + + * * * * * + +=THE CHILDREN'S BOUQUET OF VERSE AND HYMN.= Gathered by AUNT SARAH and +COUSIN GRACE. 32mo., red edges, cloth elegant, or wood: maple, cedar, +walnut, or cycamore. 1s. + + "Love for the little ones has clearly been at work in the making + of this selection good taste as well, and a most catholic + sympathy."--_Christian Leader._ + + * * * * * + +NEW NOVELS. + +=FORTUNE'S BUFFETS AND REWARDS.= Three vols. Crown 8vo. (_In November_) +31s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +=THE TOUCHSTONE OF PERIL=: A Tale of the Indian Mutiny. By DUDLEY +HARDRESS THOMAS. Two vols. Crown 8vo. £1 1s. + + "Amusing and exciting."--_Athenĉum._ + + * * * * * + +=A YEAR IN EDEN.= By HARRIET WATERS PRESTON. Two vols. Crown 8vo. (_In +November_) £1 1s. + + * * * * * + +Recent Novels. Two Volumes. Price £1 1s. each. + +=CAMILLA'S GIRLHOOD.= By LINDA VILLARI. + + "Brightly written.... It is from first to last a favourable and + pure-toned specimen of Anglo-Italian fiction."--_Morning Post._ + + +=THE BACHELOR VICAR OF NEWFORTH.= By Mrs. A. HARCOURT-ROE. + + "Bright and readable."--_Athenĉum._ + + +=ICHABOD=: A Portrait. By BERTHA THOMAS. + + "It is indubitably the work of a clever woman."--_Athenĉum._ + + +=A NOBLE KINSMAN.= By ANTON GIULIO BARRILI. + + "A good translation of a very pretty story."--_Guardian._ + + +=JEPHTHAH'S DAUGHTER.= By JANE H. SPETTIGUE. + + +=THE CHANCELLOR OF THE TYROL.= By HERMAN SCHMID. + + "A clever and original story."--_Daily Telegraph._ + + +=WILBOURNE HALL.= By Mrs. CAUMONT. + + "An agreeable novel."--_Spectator._ + + * * * * * + +=HENRY IRVING=: in England and America, 1838 1884. By FREDERIC DALY. +Vignette Portrait by AD. LALAUZE. Second thousand. Crown 8vo., cloth +extra. 5s. + + "Mr. Daly sets forth his materials with a due sense of + proportion, and writes in a pleasing vein."--_Daily News._ + + * * * * * + +=THE SEVEN AGES OF MAN.= From Shakespeare's "As You Like it." POPULAR +EDITION. Illustrated. Sq. pott 16mo., cl. elegant, bev. boards, gilt +edges. 5s. + + "Strongly contrast the old and new style of engraving.... The + various artists have all been well chosen."--_Graphic._ + + * * * * * + +NEW AND RECENT NOVELS AT SIX SHILLINGS. + +Large Crown 8vo., cloth. + +=MELITA=: A Turkish Love-Story. By LOUISE M. RICHTER. + + "Her story is interesting on its own account; but its background + of Turkish life and character gives it an additional charm of + freshness."--_Athenĉum._ + + * * * * * + +=MERCIFUL OR MERCILESS?= By STACKPOOL E. O'DELL, Author of "Old St. +Margaret's." + + "Animated pictures of nature Easy lightness of style."--_Saturday + Review._ + + * * * * * + +=THE LAST STAKE=: A Tale of Monte Carlo. By MADAME R. FOLI. Illustrated. + + "Madame Foli's graphic narrative will do much to lift the veil + from the horrors and seductions of the gaming tables of Monte + Carlo."--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=TARANTELLA=: A Romance. By MATHILDE BLIND, Author of "Life of George +Eliot." Second edition. + + "Told with great spirit and effect, and shows very considerable + power."--_Pall Mall._ + + * * * * * + +=VALENTINO.= By WILLIAM WALDORF ASTOR. + + "A remarkable historical romance Forcibly written."--_Morning + Post._ + + * * * * * + +=GLADYS FANE=: The Story of Two Lives. By T. WEMYSS REID. Fourth and +popular edition. + + "A good and clever book, which few readers who begin it are + likely to put down unfinished."--_Saturday Review._ + + * * * * * + +=THE AMAZON=: An Art Novel. By CARL VOSMAER. Preface by Prof. GEORG +EBERS, and Front. drawn specially by L. ALMA TADEMA, R.A. + + "It is a work full of deep, suggestive thought."--_The Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=MAJOR FRANK=: A Novel. By A. L. G. BOSBOOM-TOUSSAINT. Trans. from the +Dutch by JAS. AKEROYD. + + "It is a pleasant, bright, fresh book."--_Truth._ + + * * * * * + +=THE POISON TREE=: A Tale of Hindu Life by Bengal. By B. CHANDRA +CHATTERJEE. Introduction in EDWIN ARNOLD, M.A., C.S.I. + + "The healthiness and purity of tone throughout the + book."--_Academy._ + + + + +THE 4s. 6d. SERIES OF NOVELS. + +Crown 8vo., cloth. + +=ASSERTED BUT NOT PROVED=; or, Struggles to Live. By A. BOWER. + + * * * * * + +=FRANCIS=: A Socialistic Romance. Being for the most part an Idyll of +England and Summer. By M. DAL VERO, Author of "A Heroine of the +Commonplace." + + "A very bright, cheery and pretty story."--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=THE LAST MEETING=: A Story. By BRANDER MATTHEWS, Author of "The +Theatres of Paris," &c. + + "Mr. Brander Matthews' new novel is one of the pleasantest and + most entertaining books that I have read for some time. There is + vigorous character-drawing; and the characters are, for the most + part, men and women in whose company one is pleased to pass the + time. There are many clever and shrewd remarks, considerable + humour, and some wit."--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=A LOST SON.= By MARY LINSKILL, Author of "Hagar," "Between the Heather +and the Northern Sea," &c. + + "The book's doctrine is wholesome, and its religion free from any + trace of cant."--_Spectator._ + + "Miss Linskill not only shows a quick power of observation, but + writes with good taste and without affectation."--_Athenĉum._ + + * * * * * + +=THE BECKSIDE BOGGLE=, and Other Lake Country Stories. By ALICE REA. +Illustrated. + + "The interest of the volume lies in its evidently faithful + reproduction of Lake Country speech character, and manners.... A + pleasant one and wholesome."--_Graphic._ + + * * * * * + +TWO VOLUMES OF SHORT STORIES. + +=TALES IN THE SPEECH-HOUSE.= By CHARLES GRINDROD, Author of "Plays from +English History," &c. Illustrated. Crown 8vo., cloth. 6s. + + "We can say honestly to everyone who can lay hands on them--Read + them."--_Scotsman._ + + "Sweetly and powerfully told."--_Manchester Guardian._ + + * * * * * + +=THE QUEEN OF THE ARENA, AND OTHER STORIES.= By STEWART HARRISON. +Illust. Crown 8vo., cloth. 6s. + + "Major Harrison has a fresh and lively style, he is so far from + being tedious that he rather tends to the opposite extreme, and + he shows considerable versatility of powers, with an extensive + knowledge of the world."--_Times._ + + + + +VERNON LEE'S WORKS. + +=BALDWIN=: Being Dialogues on Views and Aspirations. Demy 8vo., cloth. +12s. + + "Worth careful study from more than one side. It has a message + for all people, to which only indolence or indifference can be + deaf.... The subjects proposed are discussed courageously and + conscientiously, and often with a compression and force which + fills part of the book with pregnant suggestion.... One cannot + read a page of 'Baldwin' without feeling the wiser for + it."--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=EUPHORION=: Studies of the Antique and the Mediĉval in the Renaissance. +Cheap ed. Derm 8vo., cloth. 7s. 6d. + + "The book is bold, extensive in scope, and replete with + well-defined and unhackneyed ideas, clear impressions, and + vigorous and persuasive modes of writing."--_Athenĉum._ + + * * * * * + +=STUDIES OF THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY IN ITALY.= Demy 8vo., cloth. 7s. 6d. + + "These studies show a wide range of knowledge of the subject, + precise investigation, abundant power of illustration, and + healthy enthusiasm.... The style of writing is cultivated, neatly + adjusted, and markedly clever."--_Saturday Review._ + + "A singularly delightful and very able volume."--_Westminster + Review._ + + * * * * * + +=BELCARO=: Being Essays on Sundry Ĉsthetical Questions. Crown 8vo., +cloth. 5s. + + "This way of conveying ideas is very fascinating, and has an + effect of creating activity in the reader's mind which no other + mode can equal. From first to last there is a continuous and + delightful stimulation of thought."--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=OTTILIE=: An Eighteenth Century Idyl. Square 8vo., cloth extra. 3s. 6d. + + "A graceful little sketch.... Drawn with full insight into the + period described."--_Spectator._ + + "Pleasantly and carefully written.... The Author lets the reader + have a glimpse of Germany in the 'Sturm und Drang' + period."--_Athenĉum._ + + "A graceful little picture.... Charming all through."--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=THE PRINCE OF THE HUNDRED SOUPS=: A Puppet Show in Narrative. Edited, +with a Preface by VERNON LEE. Illust. Cheaper edition. Square 8vo., +cloth. 3s. 6d. + + "There is more humour in the volume than in half-a-dozen ordinary + pantomimes."--_Spectator._ + + * * * * * + +=SUMMER=: From the Journal of HENRY D. THOREAU. Edited by H. G. O. +BLAKE. Index. Map. Cr. 8vo., 7s. 6d. + + "A most delightful book."--_Times._ + + "As pleasant a book as can well be imagined."--_Athenĉum._ + + * * * * * + +=ECHETLUS=: Considerations upon Culture in England. By GEORGE WHETENALL. +Crown 8vo., cloth. 4s. 6d. + + "Very thoughtful, earnest, and exceedingly clever.... There is an + unquestionable streak of genius in the composition of this small + work."--_Christian World._ + + * * * * * + +=THE LIFE and TIMES OF WILLIAM LLOYD GARRISON, 1805-1840=: The Story of +His Life told by His Children. In two vols., with upwards of 20 +Portraits and Illustrations. Demy 8vo. £1 10s. + + "The prime mover in the cause of Abolition well deserved an + exhaustive biography, and English Literature can well afford to + assign a permanent and honourable place to the description of a + man who accomplished a great work, and whose right to figure + among such men as Wilberforce, Clarkson, Brougham, and others + cannot for a moment be disputed."--_Times._ + + * * * * * + +=OLE BULL=: A Memoir. By SARA C. BULL. With Ole Bull's "Violin Notes" +and Dr. A. B. Crosby's "Anatomy of the Violinist." Portraits. Second +edition. Crown 8vo., cloth. 7s. 6d. + + "Full of good stories. It is difficult to know where to + choose."--_Saturday Review._ + + "A word of commendation must be offered to the young widow of + this distinguished musician for the tact and ability displayed in + compiling and arranging the work."--_Morning Post._ + + * * * * * + +=THE LIFE & TIMES OF SAMUEL BOWLES=, Editor of _The Springfield +Republican_. By GEO. S. MERRIAM. Portrait. 2 vols. Crown 8vo. £1 1s. + + "Its pictures of American journalism, so closely interwoven with + party struggles, render it a contribution of some interest to the + history of the Union during some of its most critical + times."--_Daily News._ + + * * * * * + +=PILGRIM SORROW.= By CARMEN SYLVIA (The Queen of Roumania). Translated +by HELEN ZIMMERN, Author of "The Epic of Kings." Portrait-etching by +LALAUZE. Square Crown 8vo., cloth extra. 5s. + + "For this nature of literature the Queen appears to have a + special gift.... And never has she been happier than in her + _Liedens Erdengang_, which lies before us to-day."--_Literary + World_ (Review of the German edition). + + * * * * * + +=ON TUSCAN HILLS AND VENETIAN WATERS.= By LINDA VILLARI, Author of +"Camilla's Girlhood," &c. Illust. Square Imperial 16mo. 7s. 6d. + + "Next to the privilege of visiting these localities, this book is + the best thing, and no expense has been spared in making the + volume an artistic success."--_Bookseller._ + + * * * * * + +=LONDON AND ELSEWHERE.= By THOMAS PURNELL, Author of "Literature and its +Professors," &c. Fcap. 8vo. 1s. + + "The book is admirably adapted to the season--light in topic and + bright in manner, readable from first to last, and unlike most + holiday literature, worth keeping after it has been + read."--_Globe._ + + * * * * * + +EXPOSITORY WORKS BY REV. S. COX. + +"=EXPOSITIONS.=" First Series. Dedicated to BARON TENNYSON. Third +Thousand. Demy 8vo., cloth, 7s. 6d. + + "We have said enough to show our high opinion of Dr. Cox's + volume. It is indeed full of suggestion.... A valuable + volume."--_The Spectator._ + + "The Discourses are well worthy of their Author's + reputation."--_Inquirer._ + + * * * * * + +"=EXPOSITIONS.=" Second Series. Demy 8vo., cloth. 7s. 6d. + + "The volume will take rank with the noblest utterances of the + day; not merely because they are eloquent--we have eloquence + enough and to spare; not because they are learned--learning is + often labour and sorrow; but because they will give fresh hope + and heart, new light and faith to many for whom the world is + 'dark with griefs and graves.'"--_Nonconformist._ + + * * * * * + +=THE REALITY OF FAITH.= By the Rev. NEWMAN SMYTH, D.D., Author of "Old +Faiths in New Light." Third and cheaper Edition. Crown 8vo., cloth, 4s. +6d. + + "They are fresh and beautiful expositions of those deep things, + those foundation truths, which underlie Christian faith and + spiritual life in their varied manifestations."--_Christian Age._ + + * * * * * + +=THE REALITY OF RELIGION.= By HENRY J. VAN DYKE, Junr., D.D., of the +Brick Church, N.Y. Second edition. Crown 8vo., cloth. 4s. 6d. + + "Mr. Van Dyke's volume is sure to bring help and strength to + those who are earnestly striving to enter into the realities of + spiritual life."--_Christian Leader._ + + * * * * * + +=A LAYMAN'S STUDY OF THE ENGLISH BIBLE CONSIDERED IN ITS LITERARY AND +SECULAR ASPECTS.= By FRANCIS BOWEN, LL.D. Crown 8vo., cloth. 4s. 6d. + + "Most heartily do we recommend this little volume to the careful + study, not only of those whose faith is not yet fixed and + settled, but of those whose love for it and reliance on it grows + with their growing years."--_Nonconformist._ + + * * * * * + +=THE UNKNOWN GOD=, and other Sermons. By the Rev. ALEXANDER H. CRAUFURD, +M.A., Author of "Seeking for Light." Crown 8vo., cloth. 6s. + + * * * * * + +=MY STUDY=, and other Essays. By Professor AUSTIN PHELPS, D.D., Author +of "The Theory of Preaching," &c. Crown 8vo., cloth, bev. edges. 6s. + + "Marked by practical sense and genial, manly piety, and the book, + as a whole, will scarcely be read without interest and + profit."--_Methodist Times._ + + * * * * * + +=THE CHRIST OF HISTORY.= By JOHN YOUNG, LL.D., Author of "The Life and +Light of Men," &c. Seventh and Popular Edition. Crown 8vo. 3s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +=GENESIS THE THIRD=: History, not Fable. Being the Merchants' Lecture +for March, 1883. By EDWARD WHITE. Crown 8vo., cloth, 1s.; sewed. 6d. + + * * * * * + +=PAYING THE PASTOR=, Unscriptural and Traditional. By JAMES BEATY, +D.C.L., Q.C., Member of the Canadian Legislature. Crown 8vo. 6s. + + * * * * * + +=THE TEMPLE=: Sacred Poems and Private Ejaculations. By Mr. GEORGE +HERBERT. _New Edition_, with Introductory Essay by J. HENRY SHORTHOUSE. +Fourth edition. Small crown, sheep, imitation of original binding, or in +paper boards, old style, uncut edges. 5s. + +_This is a fac-simile reprint by typography of the Original Edition of +1633._ + + "This charming reprint has a fresh value added to it by the + Introductory Essay of the Author of 'John + Inglesant.'"--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=I'VE BEEN A-GIPSYING=; or, Rambles among our Gipsies. By GEORGE SMITH, +of Coalville. Illustrated. New and Revised edition. Crown 8vo., cloth. +3s. 6d. + + "Mr. Smith's sketches of his visits to the gipsies are graphic + and varied, and will, we trust, serve to excite a wider interest + in the perplexing question of their amelioration, to which the + author has already given yeoman's service."--_Contempory Review._ + + * * * * * + +=THE ADVENTURES OF ROBINSON CRUSOE=. By DANIEL DEFOE. Newly Edited after +the Original Editions. Twenty Coloured Illustrations by KAUFFMAN. Fcap. +4to., cloth extra. 7s. 6d. + + "This is irrefutably the edition of 'Robinson Crusoe' of the + season. It is charmingly got-up and illustrated. The type and + printing are excellent."--_Standard._ + + * * * * * + +WORKS ON MISSIONS. + +=MEDICAL MISSIONS=: Their Place and Power. By JOHN LOWE, F.R.C.S.E., +Secretary of Edinburgh Medical Missionary Society. Introduction by Sir +WILLIAM MUIR, K.C.S.I., LL.D., D.C.L. Medallion Frontispiece. Second +edition. Crown 8vo., cloth. 5s. + + "It would be almost impossible to speak too favourably of this + book. It is beautifully written, and deserves to be widely + circulated."--_Presbyterian Messenger._ + + * * * * * + +=LIFE AND WORK IN BENARES AND KUMAON, 1839-77.= By JAS. KENNEDY, M.A., +Author of "Christianity and the Religions of India." Introduction by Sir +WM. MUIR, K.C.S.I. Illust. Crown 8vo., cloth, 6s. + + "Of what he saw and did he writes agreeably, without obtruding + the autobiographical form.... The volume is better worth reading + than others of much higher literary pretensions."--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=MODERN MISSIONS=: Their Trials and Triumphs. By ROBERT YOUNG, Assistant +Secretary to the Missions of the Free Church of Scotland. Map and +Illustrations. Third edition. Crown 8vo., cloth extra. 5s. + + "This book should certainly be placed upon the shelves of parish, + congregational, and Sunday-school libraries. It is brief and + comprehensive."--_Christian World._ + + * * * * * + +=LIGHT IN LANDS OF DARKNESS=: By ROBERT YOUNG, Author of "Modern +Missions." Illustrated. Second edition. Crown 8vo., cloth extra. 6s. + + "To those who have read 'Modern Missions,' it will be sufficient + to say that the present work forms a worthy successor to that + interesting and well-written book."--_Congregationalist._ + + * * * * * + +=THE TREASURE BOOK OF CONSOLATION=: For all in Sorrow or Suffering. +Compiled and Edited by BENJAMIN ORME, M.A., Editor of "The Treasure Book +of Devotional Reading." Cr. 8vo., cl. extra, gilt top, 3s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +=THE SHELLEY BIRTHDAY BOOK AND CALENDAR.= Compiled by J. R. TUTIN. Crown +16mo., cloth, bev. boards, gilt edges. 3s. + +Large paper, Royal 16mo. (only 100 copies printed), with proof +impressions of the portrait. 7s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +CENTENARY SERIES. + + Fcap. 12mo., antique paper, parchment boards, 2s. each. Nos. 1 + and 3 may also be had in paper covers, price 1s. each. + +1. =JOHN WICLIF=, Patriot and Reformer: his Life and Writings. By RUDOLF +BUDDENSIEG, Lic. Theol. Leipsic. + + "Mr. Fisher Unwin has printed in delicious old text, with a + frontispiece and vellum binding worthy of an old Elzevir, Mr. + Rudolf Buddensieg's brief extracts from Wiclif's writings.... + These are full of interest, and the little volume will be useful + for reference."--_Graphic._ + + * * * * * + +2. =THE TABLE TALK OF DR. MARTIN LUTHER.= By Prof. JOHN GIBB. + + "Deserves the very highest praise. Great discrimination has been + shown in the choice of extracts, and considerable skill in the + grouping of them under appropriate heads."--_Congregationalist._ + + * * * * * + +3. =DOCTOR JOHNSON=: His Life, Works and Table Talk. By Dr. MACAULAY, +Editor of _The Leisure Hour_. + + "An exceedingly pretty little book.... It gives a good taste of + quality."--_Book Lore._ + + "It is a charming specimen of typography."--_Globe._ + + * * * * * + +=ABOUT THE THEATRE=: Essays and Studies. By WILLIAM ARCHER, Author of +"English Dramatists of To-day," &c. Crown 8vo., cloth, bevelled edges, +7s. 6d. + + "Theatrical subjects, from the Censorship of the Stage to the + most recent phenomena of first nights, have thoroughly able and + informed discussion in Mr. Archer's handsome + book."--_Contemporary Review._ + + * * * * * + +=LITERARY LANDMARKS OF LONDON.= By LAURENCE HUTTON. Second Edition. +Crown 8vo., 7s. 6d. + + "It is a volume that everyone should possess who takes an + interest in the local associations which London is so full + of."--_Standard._ + + "Abounds with interesting facts concerning the residence of + famous men in the capital."--_Daily News._ + + * * * * * + +=CHARLES WHITEHEAD=: A Critical Monograph. By H. T. MACKENZIE BELL. +Cheap and Popular edition. Crown 8vo., cloth. 5s. + + "Mr. Mackenzie Bell has done a good service in introducing us to + a man of true genius whose works have sunk into mysteriously + swift and complete oblivion."--_Contemporary Review._ + + * * * * * + +NEW AND RECENT POETRY. + +=AN ITALIAN GARDEN=: A Book of Songs. By A. MARY F. ROBINSON, Author of +"The Life of Emily Brontë," &c. Fcap. 8vo., parchment, or half-bound in +Japanese paper. 3s 6d. + + "The author has a voice of her own, and her own vision of the + world--not a loud voice, not a brilliant vision, but sweet, + tuneful, and not unsympathetic."--_Daily News._ + + * * * * * + +=A TIME AND TIMES=: Ballads and Lyrics of East and West. By A. WERNER, +Author of "The King of the Silver City." Crown 8vo., paper board style, +3s. 6d. + + "Deserves to be widely read, and will become a favourite with all + who read it."--_Literary World._ + + * * * * * + +=OLD YEAR LEAVES=: A Volume of Collected Verse. By H. T. MACKENZIE BELL, +Author of "Verses of Varied Life," &c. Cheap edition. Crown 8vo. 5s. + + "We have great pleasure, indeed, in commending these poems to our + readers."--_Literary World._ + + * * * * * + +=VERSES OF VARIED LIFE.= By H. T. MACKENZIE BELL, Author of "Charles +Whitehead," &c. Crown 8vo. 3s. 6d. + + "There are some pretty lines and stanzas."--_Graphic._ + + * * * * * + +=MEASURED STEPS.= By ERNEST RADFORD. Crown 8vo., cloth. 4s. + + "He has imported into his deeper verse the beauty of a + half-regretful subtlety and the interest of a real penetration. + He can think with fineness and record his thoughts with + point."--_Frederick Wedmore_, in _The Academy_. + + * * * * * + +=A MINOR POET=: And other Verses. By AMY LEVY. Crown 8vo., paper board +style, uncut edges. 3s. 6d. + + "Her idea of the character of 'Xantippe' is certainly original, + and several of her shorter pieces are simple, heartfelt, and + harmonious."--_Whitehall Review._ + + * * * * * + +=HOPE'S GOSPEL=, and Other Poems. By ARTHUR STEPHENS. Fcap. 8vo., cloth, +bevelled edges. 3s. 6d. + + "This bright little volume is full of the movement and vivacity + of a thought that comprehends the charm of progress, the + hopefulness of effort."--_Literary World._ + + * * * * * + +=ORPHEUS=, and Other Poems. By ALFRED EMERY. Fcap. 8vo., cloth. 3s. 6d. + + "Of considerable merit."--_Cambridge Review._ + + * * * * * + +=REPRESENTATIVE BRITISH ORATIONS.= With Introductions, &c., by CHAS. K. +ADAMS. 16mo. Roxburgh, gilt tops, 3 vols., in cloth box. 15s. + +The Volumes may also be had without box. 13s. 6d. + + "These three elegantly printed volumes, enclosed in a neat box to + imitate cloth binding, comprise an excellent selection of famous + speeches."--_Daily News._ + + "At once an invaluable companion to the history of the most + important centuries of English History, and a fascinating course + of study in some of the proudest productions of British + Oratory."--_Whitehall Review._ + + * * * * * + +=REPRESENTATIVE AMERICAN ORATIONS.= With Introductions, &c., by Prof. +ALEXANDER JOHNSTON, of New Jersey. 3 vols. 16mo., Roxburgh, gilt tops, +in cloth box. 15s. + + "By way of conclusion, we venture once more to strongly recommend + it to our readers. It will increase their knowledge of mankind in + general, and will help them to better understand a great and + friendly nation."--_Saturday Review._ + + * * * * * + +=DECIMAL TABLES=, for Calculating the Value of Government Stocks and +Annuities, and of all Stocks of Railway and other Companies where the +Capital is converted into Stock, at prices from £50 to £150 for £100 +Stock (advancing by eighths). By T. M. P. HUGHES, of the Stock +Department, Messrs. Williams, Deacon & Co. Demy 8vo., cloth. 12s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +=UNITED STATES NOTES=: A History of the various Issues of Paper Money by +the Government of the United States. By JOHN J. KNOX. With +Photo-Lithographic Specimens. Demy 8vo., cloth. 12s. + + "A very minute historical sketch of the treasury and other notes + issued by the Government.... The book should be carefully studied + by those who would understand the subject."--_New York Herald._ + + * * * * * + +=THE THREE REFORMS OF PARLIAMENT=: A History, 1830-1885. By WILLIAM +HEATON, Editor of "Cassell's Concise Cyclopĉdia." Crown 8vo. 5s. + + "As readable as a novel, and as instructive as an important + chapter of history can well be."--_Leeds Mercury._ + + "An admirable and accurate summing-up of the great Reform + movements of the last half-century."--_Literary World._ + + * * * * * + +=ARMINIUS VAMBÉRY=: His Life and Adventures Written by Himself. With +Portrait and 14 Illustrations. Fifth and Popular Edition. Square +Imperial 16mo., cloth extra. 6s. + + "A most fascinating work, full of interesting and curious + experiences."--_Contemporary Review._ + + "It is partly an autobiographic sketch of character, partly an + account of a singularly daring and successful adventure in the + exploration of a practically unknown country. In both aspects it + deserves to be spoken of as a work of great interest and of + considerable merit."--_Saturday Review._ + + "We can follow M. Vambéry's footsteps in Asia with pride and + pleasure; we welcome every word he has to tell us about the + ethnography and the languages of the East."--_Academy._ + + "The character and temperament of the writer come out well in his + quaint and vigorous style.... The expressions, too, in English, + of modes of thought and reflections cast in a different mould + from our own gives additional piquancy to the composition, and + indeed, almost seems to bring out unexpected capacities in the + language."--_Athenĉum._ + + "Has all the fascination of a lively romance. It is the + confession of an uncommon man: an intensely clever, + extraordinarily energetic egotist, well-informed, persuaded that + he is in the right, and impatient of contradiction."--_Daily + Telegraph._ + + "The work is written in a most captivating manner, and + illustrates the qualities that should be possessed by the + explorer."--_Novoe Vremya, Moscow._ + + "We are glad to see a popular edition of a book, which, however + it may be regarded must be pronounced unique. The writer, the + adventures, and the style are all extraordinary--the last not the + least of the three. It is flowing and natural--a far better style + than is written by the majority of English travellers."--_St. + James's Gazette._ + + _Over Eighty other English and Foreign Periodicals have reviewed + this work._ + + * * * * * + +BOYS' EDITION. + +=ARMINIUS VAMBÉRY=: His Life and Adventures. Written by Himself. With +Introductory Chapter dedicated to the Boys of England. Portrait and +Seventeen Illustrations. Crown 8vo. 5s. + + This new edition was prepared by M. Vambéry at the suggestion of + several of his English friends and critics during his late visit + to this country, that the story of his life was one well adapted + to form the subject of a book for boys. He has carefully revised + it throughout, eliminating all political and other matter that + would possess but little interest for boys. A new Introductory + Chapter is added, giving a more extensive insight into his boy + life than the previous volume, and showing how even the humblest, + poorest, and most delicate lad can, with perseverance and + industry, rise to prosperity and renown. It possesses several + additional Illustrations and a new Portrait of the Author. + + * * * * * + +=FRANCE AND TONGKING=: A Narrative of the Campaign of 1884, and the +Occupation of Further India. By J. G. SCOTT (SHWAY YOE), Author of "The +Burman." Map and Two Plans. Demy 8vo. 16s. + + "Very graphic and exceedingly interesting pages."--_Spectator._ + + "Will be perused with interest both by military men and by the + general reader."--_Globe._ + + * * * * * + +=THE MAHDI, PAST AND PRESENT.= By Prof. JAMES DARMESTETER. Illustrated. +Sewed, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d. + + "Pleasant and instructive reading."--_Athenĉum._ + + * * * * * + +=INTRODUCTORY STUDIES IN GREEK ART.= Delivered in the British Museum by +JANE E. HARRISON, Author of "Myths of the Odyssey in Art and +Literature," &c. Map and 10 Illusts. Square Imperial 16mo., 7s. 6d. + + "Admirable work in every way. The lady has mastered her subject; + she writes a good, expressive, moving style; she has a fine + talent of exposition; she understands, and her readers have no + choice but to understand with her. To students, not only of Greek + art, but of art in general, her book is really + indispensable."--_Magazine of Art._ + + * * * * * + +=A SHORT HISTORY OF THE NETHERLANDS (HOLLAND AND BELGIUM).= By ALEXANDER +YOUNG, Author of "The Comic and Tragic Aspects of Life," &c. +Seventy-seven Illustrations. Demy 8vo., cloth. 7s. 6d. + + "It will be found a very valuable manual of the history of the + Netherlands by all young men who, for any reason, have to become + students of it."--_Spectator._ + + "A careful and readable history."--_Daily News._ + + * * * * * + +=LETTERS FROM ITALY.= By M. EMILE DE LAVELEYE. Translated by Mrs. +THORPE. Revised by the Author. Portrait of the Author. Crown 8vo. 6s. + + "Read... the second series of 'Letters from Italy,' lately + published by E. de Laveleye, a man of European fame in regard to + political and social economy."--_Christian World_ of August 27, + 1885, in leader reviewing the original edition. + + * * * * * + +=THE TRUE STORY OF THE FRENCH DISPUTE IN MADAGASCAR.= By Capt. S. P. +OLIVER, F.S.A., F.R.G.S., late R.A., Author of "Madagascar and the +Malagasy," &c. With a Chapter by F. W. CHESSON, Hon. Sec. of the +Malagasy Committee. Map. Demy 8vo. 9s. + + "A very straightforward and ungarnished account of the dispute + between France and Madagascar."--_Contemporary Review._ + + "Captain Pasfield Oliver's very interesting and informing + book."--_Nonconformist._ + + * * * * * + +=CENTRAL ASIAN QUESTIONS=: Essays on Afghanistan, China and Central +Asia. By DEMETRIUS C. BOULGER, Author of "The History of China," &c. +With Portrait and Three Maps. Demy 8vo., cloth. 18s. + + "Ought to be read by everybody interested in the Central Asian + question.... Mr. Boulger's essays are a magazine of information + relating to the people and country of Central Asia, Afghanistan + and China."--ARMINIUS VAMBÉRY, in _The Academy_. + + * * * * * + +=THE WRECKERS OF LAVERNOCK.= By ANNIE JENKYNS. Crown 8vo. 5s. + + "In delineation of character the authoress is extremely + clever."--_Schoolmaster._ + + * * * * * + +=THE ROMAN STUDENTS=; or, On the Wings of the Morning. A Tale of the +Renaissance. By the Author of "The Spanish Brothers," &c. Illustrated by +G. P. JACOMB HOOD. Cheaper ed. Imp. 8vo., cloth, 4s. 6d. + + "One of the best stories of the year."--_British Quarterly + Review._ + + * * * * * + +=THE HOUSE BY THE WORKS.= By EDWARD GARRETT, Author of "Occupations of a +Retired Life," &c. Frontispiece. 3rd edition. Crown 8vo. 3s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +=SETTLING DAY=: A Sketch from Life. By SOPHIE ARGENT. Crown 8vo., cloth. +3s. 6d. + + "A charming story of real life, and one that is as true to human + nature as it is true to facts."--_Congregationalist._ + + "A pleasant and wholesome little novelette.... It is agreeably + written."--_Society._ + + * * * * * + +=OFF DUTY=: Stories of a Parson on Leave. By CHARLES WRIGHT. Crown 8vo., +cloth. 2s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +=MARGARET THE MOONBEAM=: A Tale for the Young. By CECILIA LUSHINGTON, +Author of "Over the Seas and Far Away." With Illustrations by M. E. +EDWARDS. Second Edition. Small 8vo., cloth extra, gilt edges, 2s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +=BEAUTIES AND FRIGHTS=, with THE STORY OF BOBINETTE. By SARAH TYTLER, +Author of "Papers for Thoughtful Girls," &c. Illustrated by M. E. +EDWARDS. Second edition. Small 8vo. 2s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +=THE STARRY BLOSSOM, & OTHER STORIES.= By M. BETHAM-EDWARDS, Author of +"Minna's Holiday," &c. Illustrated. Small 8vo., cloth extra. 1s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +THE "LIVES WORTH LIVING" SERIES =OF POPULAR BIOGRAPHIES.= + +Illustrated. Crown 8vo., cloth extra, 3s. 6d. per vol. + +1. =LEADERS OF MEN=: A Book of Biographies specially written for Young +Men. By H. A. PAGE, Author of "Golden Lives." Fourth edition. + + "Mr. Page thoroughly brings out the disinterestedness and + devotion to high aims which characterise the men of whom he + writes. He has done his work with care and good + taste."--_Spectator._ + + * * * * * + +2. =WISE WORDS AND LOVING DEEDS=: A Book of Biographies for Girls. By E. +CONDER GRAY. Sixth edition. + + "A series of brightly-written sketches of lives of remarkable + women. The subjects are well chosen and well treated."--_Saturday + Review._ + + * * * * * + +3. =MASTER MISSIONARIES=: Studies in Heroic Pioneer Work. By ALEX. H. +JAPP, LL.D., F.R.S.E. 3rd ed. + + "An extremely interesting book. The reader need not be afraid of + falling into beaten tracks here."--_The Guardian._ + + "A really excellent and readable book."--_Literary Churchman._ + + * * * * * + +4. =LABOUR AND VICTORY.= By A. H. JAPP, LL.D. Memoirs of Those who +Deserved Success and Won it. Third edition. + + "We should be glad to see this volume in the hands of thousands + of boys and young men."--_Leeds Mercury._ + + * * * * * + +5. =HEROIC ADVENTURE=: Chapters in Recent Explorations and Discovery. +Illustrated. Third edition. + + "Gives freshness to the old inexhaustible story of enterprise and + discovery by selecting some of the very latest of heroes in this + field."--_Daily News._ + + * * * * * + +=PLANT LIFE=: Popular Papers on the Phenomena of Botany. By EDWARD STEP. +148 Illustrations by the Author. Third edition. Crown 8vo., cloth extra, +3s. 6d. + + "More delightful reading for the country at this season of the + year authors and publishers have not provided for us."--_Pall + Mall Gazette._ + + * * * * * + +=THE WAY TO FORTUNE=: A Series of Short Essays, with Illustrative +Proverbs and Anecdotes from many sources. Third Edition. Small 8vo.; +cloth extra, 2s. 6d. + + * * * * * + +=AMERICAN DISHES=, and How to Cook Them. By an American Lady. Crown +8vo., cloth extra, 2s. 6d. + + "A smart little tome."--G. A. S., in _Illustrated London News_. + + * * * * * + +=A CUP OF COFFEE.= Illustrated. Fcap. 8vo., boards, 1s. + + "This pleasant, gossiping monograph."--_Daily Chronicle._ + + * * * * * + +=THE QUICKEST GUIDE TO BREAKFAST, DINNER AND SUPPER.= By AUNT GERTRUDE. +Paper boards. 1s. + + "A capital manual for housewives."--_Literary World._ + + * * * * * + +=ADULTERATIONS OF FOOD= (How to Detect the). By the Author of "Ferns and +Ferneries." Illust. Crown 8vo., sewed. 9d. + + "This little work before us offers many useful hints to + householders as to the detection of everyday + adulteration."--_Pall Mall Gazette._ + + * * * * * + +=THE ILLUSTRATED POETRY BOOK= for Young Readers. Small crown 8vo., +cloth, 2s. 6d.; gilt edges, 3s. + + "It is the best book of the kind which has passed through our + hands for some time"--_Bookseller._ + + * * * * * + +=INDUSTRIAL CURIOSITIES=: Glances Here and There in the World of Labour. +Written and Edited by ALEX. HAY JAPP, LL.D. Fourth ed. Crown 8vo., 3s. +6d. + + "Nowadays boys are so fed upon story books and books of adventure + that we welcome a book which tells them something about the facts + of the world they live in."--_Graphic._ + + * * * * * + +=FOOTPRINTS=: Nature seen on its Human Side. By SARAH TYTLER, Author of +"Papers for Thoughtful Girls," &c. Illust. Third edition. Crown 8vo. 3s. +6d. + + "A book of real worth."--_Spectator._ + + * * * * * + +=GUDRUN, BEOWULF, and ROLAND.= With other Mediĉval Tales. By JOHN GIBB. +Illust. Second and cheaper edition. Crown 8vo., cloth extra 3s. 6d. + + "A safer or more acceptable gift-book it would be difficult to + find."--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=ARMY EXAMINATION SERIES.= + +Crown 8vo., cloth, 2s. 6d. each. + +1. =GEOMETRICAL DRAWING=: Containing General Hints to Candidates, Former +Papers set at the Preliminary and Further Examinations, and Four Hundred +Questions for Practice in Scales and General Problems. By C. H. OCTAVIUS +CURTIS. Illustrated. + +2. =A MANUAL OF FRENCH GRAMMAR.= By LE COMPTE DE LA HOUSSAYE, Officier +de la Légion d'Honneur, French Examiner for Military and Civil +Appointments. + +3. =GEOGRAPHY QUESTIONS=: Especially adapted for Candidates preparing +for the Preliminary Examination. By R. H. ALLPRESS, M.A., Trin. Coll., +Camb. + + * * * * * + +=STOPS=; or, How to Punctuate. With Instructions for Correcting Proofs, +&c. By PAUL ALLARDYCE. Fourth and Revised edition. Demy 16mo., parchment +antique, 1s. + + "We have hardly any words but those of praise to give to his very + thoughtful, very dainty little book "--_Journal of Education._ + + "We can conceive no more desirable present to a literary + aspirant."--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +=EASY LESSONS IN BOTANY.= By EDWARD STEP, Author of "Plant Life." 120 +Illustrations by Author. Third edition. Linen covers. 7d. + +Also in two parts, paper covers, each. 3d. + + * * * * * + +=AN ENGLISH GRAMMAR FOR SCHOOLS.= Adapted to the Requirements of the +Revised Code. In Three Parts. Price 2d. each, or complete in one cover, +6d. + + * * * * * + +_Adopted by the London School Board._ + +=FIRST NATURAL HISTORY READER.= For Standard II. In accordance with the +requirements of the Revised Code. Illustrated. Crown 8vo., cloth, 9d. + + "Written in a simple and pleasant style."--_School Guardian._ + + * * * * * + +=POETICAL READER FOR THE USE OF SCHOOLS.= Illust. In Two Parts, each. +1s. 3d. + +Or in sections separately. + + * * * * * + +=HALF-HOLIDAY HANDBOOKS=: GUIDES TO RAMBLES ROUND LONDON. With Maps, +Illustrations, and Bicycle Routes Crown 8vo., sewed, 9d.; cloth, 1s. + + I. Kingston-on-Thames and district. + II. Round Reigate. + III. Dorking and district. + IV. Round Richmond. + V. Geological Rambles round London. + VI. Round Tunbridge Wells. + VII. Greenwich, Blackheath and district. + VIII. From Croydon to the North Downs. + IX. Bromley, Keston & district. + X. Round Sydenham and Norwood. + XI. Wimbledon, Putney and district. + + "We could not do better than consult one of these cheap + Handbooks.... They are well printed, contain good maps and nice + illustrations, much information for the geologist and botanist, + as well as the antiquarian, and useful direction for the + increasing procession of cyclists."--_Times._ + + "Will be a boon to the weary Londoner, anxious to commune with + nature."--_The Inquirer._ + + "Capital guides to walks in the districts."--_Daily Chronicle._ + + "A pleasant and convenient series of books for the guidance of + the pedestrian."--_Literary World._ + + * * * * * + +=DICK'S HOLIDAYS=, and What He Did with Them. By JAMES WESTON. +Illustrated. Cheaper edition. Imperial 4to., cloth extra. 3s. 6d. + + "This is precisely the book that sensible parents must often have + been wanting.... This delightful book."--_Academy._ + + * * * * * + +A HANDBOOK TO =THE FERNERY AND AQUARIUM.= Containing Full Directions how +to Make, Stock & Maintain Ferneries and Freshwater Aquaria. By J. H. +MARTIN and JAMES WESTON. Illusts. Cr. 8vo., cloth, 1s.; paper covers, +9d. Issued also in two parts, paper covers, 6d. each. + + "We cordially recommend it as the best little _brochure_ on ferns + we have yet seen. Its merits far exceed those of much larger and + more pretentious works."--_Science Gossip._ + + * * * * * + +=THE BATH AND BATHING.= By Dr. J. FARRAR, F.R.C.P.E. Crown 8vo., limp +cloth. 9d. + + * * * * * + +=PRINCIPLES TO START WITH.= By ISAAC WATTS, D.D. Introduction by THOMAS +BINNEY, D.D. Seventh Thousand. 32mo., red edges., cloth elegant, or in +the new wood binding: maple, cedar, walnut, and sycamore. 1s. + + "A gem in the way of printing and binding, while the excellence + of the short practical precepts offered by the writers can hardly + be over-estimated."--_Rock._ + + + + +LIST OF BOOKS ARRANGED IN ORDER OF PRICE. + + + =£1 11s. 6d.= Page + + Fortune's Buffets and Rewards 13 + + + =£1 10s.= + + Life and Times of Wm. L. Garrison 17 + + + =£1 1s.= + + A Noble Kinsman 13 + A Year in Eden 13 + Bachelor Vicar, The 13 + Basque Legends 4 + Camilla's Girlhood 13 + Chancellor of the Tyrol 13 + Ichabod 13 + Jephthah's Daughter 13 + Lazy Minstrel, The 6 + Life of Wm. Bowles 17 + Touchstone of Peril 13 + Wilbourne Hall 13 + + + =18s.= + + Central Asian Questions 25 + Romances of Chivalry 4 + + + =16s.= + + Anne Gilchrist 7 + France and Tongking 24 + Modern Hinduism 4 + + + =15s.= + + American Orations 23 + British Orations 23 + + + =13s. 6d.= + + British Orations 23 + + + =12s. 6d.= + + Decimal Tables 23 + + + =12s.= + + Baldwin 16 + United States Notes 23 + + + =10s. 6d.= + + Basque Legends 4 + Bible and the Age 7 + Dawn of the XIXth Century 10 + Legendary Hist. of Cross 3 + + + =9s.= + + Labour, Land and Law 9 + True Story of the French Dispute in + Madagascar 25 + + + =7s. 6d.= + + About the Theatre 21 + Euphorion 11, 16 + Expositions 17 + History of Netherlands 25 + How to be Happy though Married 10 + Literary Landmarks 21 + Lives of Robert and Mary Moffat 10 + Manners Makyth Man 6 + Ole Bull 17 + On Tuscan Hills 17 + Parousia, The 7 + Robinson Crusoe 19 + Studies of the Eighteenth Century in + Italy 11, 16 + Studies in Greek Art 25 + Summer 16 + + + =6s.= + + Amazon, The 14 + Arminius Vambéry 24 + Bird's Nest, The 7 + Comtist Lover, A 6 + Gladys Fane 14 + Last Stake, The 14 + Lazy Minstrel, The 6 + Letters from Italy 25 + Life and Work in Benares 20 + Light in Lands of Darkness 20 + Major Frank 14 + Making of the Irish Nation 9 + Manners Makyth Man 6 + Melita 14 + Merciful or Merciless 14 + My Study 19 + Paying the Pastor 19 + Poets in the Garden 11 + Poison Tree 14 + Tales in the Speech House 15 + Tarantella 14 + Queen of the Arena 15 + Unknown God 18 + + + =5s.= + + Arminius Vambéry 24 + Belcaro 11, 16 + Boys' Own Stories 5 + Charles Whitehead 21 + Henry Irving 13 + Heroic Tales 11 + In the Time of Roses 5 + Medical Missions 20 + Modern Missions 20 + Old Year Leaves 22 + Pilgrim Sorrow 17 + Prince Peerless 5 + Seven Ages of Man 13 + Story of the Nations 8 + Temple, The 19 + Three Reforms of Parlmnt. 23 + Wreckers of Lavernock 26 + + + =4s. 6d.= + + Asserted but not Proved 15 + Beckside Boggle, The 15 + Echetlus 16 + Francis 15 + Last Meeting 15 + Layman's Study of Bible 18 + Lost Son, A 15 + Reality of Faith 18 + Reality of Religion 18 + Roman Students 26 + + + =4s.= + + Measured Steps 22 + + + =3s. 6d.= + + An Italian Garden 22 + Charles Dickens as I Knew Him 10 + Christ of History 19 + Dick's Holidays 30 + Fairy Tales from Brentano 12 + Footprints 28 + Gudrun 28 + Hope's Gospel 22 + House by the Works 26 + How to be Happy though Married 10 + Industrial Curiosities 28 + I've been Gypsying 19 + "Lives Worth Living" Series 27 + Minor Poet, A 22 + Orpheus 22 + Ottilie 16 + Prince of the 100 Soups 16 + Plant Life 27 + Settling Day 26 + Shelley Birthday Book 20 + Time and Times 22 + Treasure Book 20 + Verses of Varied Life 22 + When I was a Child 12 + + + =2s. 6d.= + + American Dishes 28 + Army Examination Series 29 + Beauties and Frights 26 + Illustrated Poetry Book 28 + Margaret the Moonbeam 26 + Off Duty 26 + Saint Hildred 6 + Southwood 12 + Tales of the Caliph 5 + Way to Fortune 27 + + + =2s.= + + Diary of Golden Thoughts 12 + Dr. Johnson 21 + Dr. Martin Luther 21 + John Wiclif 21 + + + =1s.= + + Dottings of a Dosser 9 + Half-Holiday Handbooks 30 + London and Elsewhere 17 + Stops 29 + + + =9d.= + + Half-Holiday Handbooks 30 + + + + +THE CENTURY ILLUSTRATED MONTHLY MAGAZINE + +PRICE 1/4 MONTHLY. + +_With the November issue, which commenced a New Volume, the +publication of +THE CENTURY MAGAZINE+ in this country passed into the +hands of MR. +T. FISHER UNWIN+._ + +It is hoped that under the new auspices the Magazine will not only +maintain but increase its popularity with the British public. + +It will be found that the prospective arrangements are more general and +English in interest than usual. The subject of the Life of Lincoln is of +world-wide interest. The authors of the two serial novels, FRANK R. +STOCKTON and G. W. CABLE, have established an international reputation. +And the papers on "ENGLISH CATHEDRALS," "OLD CHELSEA," and similar +subjects which will receive efficient treatment, both textually and +pictorially, cannot but attract considerable attention in this country. +The series of ORIGINAL PORTRAITS of prominent Englishmen, Europeans, and +Americans, with accompanying descriptive papers, also appeal to a very +wide circle. + +=Bound Volumes= for the half year ending with the October number may now +be obtained, Price 10/6. + +=Cloth Cases= for binding the present or past half-yearly volumes can +now be had, Price 1/4. + +=Back Numbers= can be supplied; immediate application is requested from +persons desirous of completing their sets. + +=Subscriptions= will now be booked. Single copies, post free, 1s. 7d.; +or 19s. per year, post free. To be had of all Booksellers, News Agents, +and Bookstalls in town and country. + +_Orders and all business communications regarding +THE CENTURY+ should +in future be addressed to_ + + The Century Magazine, + T. FISHER UNWIN, 26, Paternoster Sq., London, E.C. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of How to be Happy Though Married, by +Edward John Hardy + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOW TO BE HAPPY THOUGH MARRIED *** + +***** This file should be named 35534-8.txt or 35534-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/5/3/35534/ + +Produced by Colin Bell, Christine P. Travers and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |