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diff --git a/old/prsit10.txt b/old/prsit10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ef12e26 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/prsit10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2477 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Etext of The Parasite, by Arthur Conan Doyle + +The contents were first copyrighted over 100 years ago but Doyle +died in 1930, which puts his works in the questionable period of +whether this work, which was already in Public Domain works from +the "life plus 50 years copyright" is now out of circulation for +those countries moving to the "life plus 70 copyrights." + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. 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If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association / Illinois + Benedictine College" within the 60 days following each + date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) + your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association / Illinois Benedictine College". + +*END*THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + +Scanned with OmniPage Professional OCR software +donated by Caere Corporation. + + + + +THE PARASITE +A Story + +BY +A. CONAN DOYLE +AUTHOR OF +"THE REFUGEES" "MICAH CLARKE" ETC. + +1894 + + + + + +THE PARASITE + +I + +March 24. The spring is fairly with us now. Outside +my laboratory window the great chestnut-tree is all +covered with the big, glutinous, gummy buds, some of +which have already begun to break into little green +shuttlecocks. As you walk down the lanes you are +conscious of the rich, silent forces of nature working +all around you. The wet earth smells fruitful and +luscious. Green shoots are peeping out everywhere. +The twigs are stiff with their sap; and the moist, +heavy English air is laden with a faintly resinous +perfume. Buds in the hedges, lambs beneath them-- +everywhere the work of reproduction going forward! + +I can see it without, and I can feel it within. We +also have our spring when the little arterioles dilate, +the lymph flows in a brisker stream, the glands work +harder, winnowing and straining. Every year nature +readjusts the whole machine. I can feel the ferment in +my blood at this very moment, and as the cool sunshine +pours through my window I could dance about in it +like a gnat. So I should, only that Charles Sadler +would rush upstairs to know what was the matter. +Besides, I must remember that I am Professor Gilroy. +An old professor may afford to be natural, but when +fortune has given one of the first chairs in the +university to a man of four-and-thirty he must try and +act the part consistently. + +What a fellow Wilson is! If I could only throw the +same enthusiasm into physiology that he does into +psychology, I should become a Claude Bernard at the +least. His whole life and soul and energy work to one +end. He drops to sleep collating his results of the +past day, and he wakes to plan his researches for the +coming one. And yet, outside the narrow circle who +follow his proceedings, he gets so little credit for +it. Physiology is a recognized science. If I add even +a brick to the edifice, every one sees and applauds it. +But Wilson is trying to dig the foundations for a +science of the future. His work is underground and +does not show. Yet he goes on uncomplainingly, +corresponding with a hundred semi-maniacs in the hope +of finding one reliable witness, sifting a hundred lies +on the chance of gaining one little speck of truth, +collating old books, devouring new ones, experimenting, +lecturing, trying to light up in others the fiery +interest which is consuming him. I am filled with +wonder and admiration when I think of him, and yet, +when he asks me to associate myself with his +researches, I am compelled to tell him that, in their +present state, they offer little attraction to a man +who is devoted to exact science. If he could show me +something positive and objective, I might then be +tempted to approach the question from its physiological +side. So long as half his subjects are tainted +with charlatanerie and the other half with hysteria we +physiologists must content ourselves with the body and +leave the mind to our descendants. + +No doubt I am a materialist. Agatha says that I am a +rank one. I tell her that is an excellent reason for +shortening our engagement, since I am in such urgent +need of her spirituality. And yet I may claim to be a +curious example of the effect of education upon +temperament, for by nature I am, unless I deceive +myself, a highly psychic man. I was a nervous, +sensitive boy, a dreamer, a somnambulist, full of +impressions and intuitions. My black hair, my dark +eyes, my thin, olive face, my tapering fingers, are all +characteristic of my real temperament, and cause +experts like Wilson to claim me as their own. But my +brain is soaked with exact knowledge. I have trained +myself to deal only with fact and with proof. Surmise +and fancy have no place in my scheme of thought. Show +me what I can see with my microscope, cut with my +scalpel, weigh in my balance, and I will devote a +lifetime to its investigation. But when you ask me to +study feelings, impressions, suggestions, you ask me to +do what is distasteful and even demoralizing. A +departure from pure reason affects me like an evil +smell or a musical discord. + +Which is a very sufficient reason why I am a little +loath to go to Professor Wilson's tonight. Still I +feel that I could hardly get out of the invitation +without positive rudeness; and, now that Mrs. Marden +and Agatha are going, of course I would not if I could. +But I had rather meet them anywhere else. I know that +Wilson would draw me into this nebulous semi-science of +his if he could. In his enthusiasm he is perfectly +impervious to hints or remonstrances. Nothing short of +a positive quarrel will make him realize my aversion to +the whole business. I have no doubt that he has some +new mesmerist or clairvoyant or medium or trickster of +some sort whom he is going to exhibit to us, for even +his entertainments bear upon his hobby. Well, it will +be a treat for Agatha, at any rate. She is interested +in it, as woman usually is in whatever is vague and +mystical and indefinite. + +10.50 P. M. This diary-keeping of mine is, I fancy, +the outcome of that scientific habit of mind about +which I wrote this morning. I like to register +impressions while they are fresh. Once a day at least +I endeavor to define my own mental position. It is a +useful piece of self-analysis, and has, I fancy, a +steadying effect upon the character. Frankly, I must +confess that my own needs what stiffening I can give +it. I fear that, after all, much of my neurotic +temperament survives, and that I am far from that cool, +calm precision which characterizes Murdoch or Pratt- +Haldane. Otherwise, why should the tomfoolery which I +have witnessed this evening have set my nerves +thrilling so that even now I am all unstrung? My only +comfort is that neither Wilson nor Miss Penclosa nor +even Agatha could have possibly known my weakness. + +And what in the world was there to excite me? Nothing, +or so little that it will seem ludicrous when I set it +down. + +The Mardens got to Wilson's before me. In fact, I was +one of the last to arrive and found the room crowded. +I had hardly time to say a word to Mrs. Marden and to +Agatha, who was looking charming in white and pink, +with glittering wheat-ears in her hair, when Wilson +came twitching at my sleeve. + +"You want something positive, Gilroy," said he, drawing +me apart into a corner. "My dear fellow, I have a +phenomenon--a phenomenon!" + +I should have been more impressed had I not heard the +same before. His sanguine spirit turns every fire-fly +into a star. + +"No possible question about the bona fides this time," +said he, in answer, perhaps, to some little gleam of +amusement in my eyes. "My wife has known her for many +years. They both come from Trinidad, you know. Miss +Penclosa has only been in England a month or two, and +knows no one outside the university circle, but I +assure you that the things she has told us suffice in +themselves to establish clairvoyance upon an absolutely +scientific basis. There is nothing like her, amateur +or professional. Come and be introduced!" + +I like none of these mystery-mongers, but the amateur +least of all. With the paid performer you may pounce +upon him and expose him the instant that you have seen +through his trick. He is there to deceive you, and you +are there to find him out. But what are you to do with +the friend of your host's wife? Are you to turn on a +light suddenly and expose her slapping a surreptitious +banjo? Or are you to hurl cochineal over her evening +frock when she steals round with her phosphorus bottle +and her supernatural platitude? There would be a +scene, and you would be looked upon as a brute. So you +have your choice of being that or a dupe. I was in no +very good humor as I followed Wilson to the lady. + +Any one less like my idea of a West Indian could not be +imagined. She was a small, frail creature, well over +forty, I should say, with a pale, peaky face, and hair +of a very light shade of chestnut. Her presence was +insignificant and her manner retiring. In any group of +ten women she would have been the last whom one would +have picked out. Her eyes were perhaps her most +remarkable, and also, I am compelled to say, her least +pleasant, feature. They were gray in color,--gray with +a shade of green,--and their expression struck me as +being decidedly furtive. I wonder if furtive is the +word, or should I have said fierce? On second +thoughts, feline would have expressed it better. A +crutch leaning against the wall told me what was +painfully evident when she rose: that one of her legs +was crippled. + +So I was introduced to Miss Penclosa, and it did not +escape me that as my name was mentioned she glanced +across at Agatha. Wilson had evidently been talking. +And presently, no doubt, thought I, she will inform me +by occult means that I am engaged to a young lady with +wheat-ears in her hair. I wondered how much more +Wilson had been telling her about me. + +"Professor Gilroy is a terrible sceptic," said he; "I +hope, Miss Penclosa, that you will be able to convert +him." + +She looked keenly up at me. + +"Professor Gilroy is quite right to be sceptical if he +has not seen any thing convincing," said she. "I +should have thought," she added, "that you would +yourself have been an excellent subject." + +"For what, may I ask?" said I. + +"Well, for mesmerism, for example." + +"My experience has been that mesmerists go for their +subjects to those who are mentally unsound. All their +results are vitiated, as it seems to me, by the fact +that they are dealing with abnormal organisms." + +"Which of these ladies would you say possessed a normal +organism?" she asked. "I should like you to select the +one who seems to you to have the best balanced mind. +Should we say the girl in pink and white?--Miss Agatha +Marden, I think the name is." + +"Yes, I should attach weight to any results from her." + +"I have never tried how far she is impressionable. Of +course some people respond much more rapidly than +others. May I ask how far your scepticism extends? I +suppose that you admit the mesmeric sleep and the power +of suggestion." + +"I admit nothing, Miss Penclosa." + +"Dear me, I thought science had got further than that. +Of course I know nothing about the scientific side of +it. I only know what I can do. You see the girl in +red, for example, over near the Japanese jar. I shall +will that she come across to us." + +She bent forward as she spoke and dropped her fan upon +the floor. The girl whisked round and came straight +toward us, with an enquiring look upon her face, as if +some one had called her. + +"What do you think of that, Gilroy?" cried Wilson, in a +kind of ecstasy. + +I did not dare to tell him what I thought of it. To me +it was the most barefaced, shameless piece of imposture +that I had ever witnessed. The collusion and the +signal had really been too obvious. + +"Professor Gilroy is not satisfied," said she, glancing +up at me with her strange little eyes. "My poor fan is +to get the credit of that experiment. Well, we must +try something else. Miss Marden, would you have any +objection to my putting you off?" + +"Oh, I should love it!" cried Agatha. + +By this time all the company had gathered round us in a +circle, the shirt-fronted men, and the white-throated +women, some awed, some critical, as though it were +something between a religious ceremony and a conjurer's +entertainment. A red velvet arm-chair had been pushed +into the centre, and Agatha lay back in it, a little +flushed and trembling slightly from excitement. I +could see it from the vibration of the wheat-ears. +Miss Penclosa rose from her seat and stood over her, +leaning upon her crutch. + +And there was a change in the woman. She no longer +seemed small or insignificant. Twenty years were gone +from her age. Her eyes were shining, a tinge of color +had come into her sallow cheeks, her whole figure had +expanded. So I have seen a dull-eyed, listless lad +change in an instant into briskness and life when given +a task of which he felt himself master. She looked +down at Agatha with an expression which I resented from +the bottom of my soul--the expression with which a +Roman empress might have looked at her kneeling slave. +Then with a quick, commanding gesture she tossed up her +arms and swept them slowly down in front of her. + +I was watching Agatha narrowly. During three passes +she seemed to be simply amused. At the fourth I +observed a slight glazing of her eyes, accompanied by +some dilation of her pupils. At the sixth there was a +momentary rigor. At the seventh her lids began to +droop. At the tenth her eyes were closed, and her +breathing was slower and fuller than usual. I tried as +I watched to preserve my scientific calm, but a +foolish, causeless agitation convulsed me. I trust +that I hid it, but I felt as a child feels in the dark. +I could not have believed that I was still open to such +weakness. + +"She is in the trance," said Miss Penclosa. + +"She is sleeping!" I cried. + +"Wake her, then!" + +I pulled her by the arm and shouted in her ear. She +might have been dead for all the impression that I +could make. Her body was there on the velvet chair. +Her organs were acting--her heart, her lungs. But her +soul! It had slipped from beyond our ken. Whither had +it gone? What power had dispossessed it? I was +puzzled and disconcerted. + +"So much for the mesmeric sleep," said Miss Penclosa. +"As regards suggestion, whatever I may suggest Miss +Marden will infallibly do, whether it be now or after +she has awakened from her trance. Do you demand proof +of it?" + +"Certainly," said I. + +"You shall have it." I saw a smile pass over her face, +as though an amusing thought had struck her. She +stooped and whispered earnestly into her subject's ear. +Agatha, who had been so deaf to me, nodded her head as +she listened. + +"Awake!" cried Miss Penclosa, with a sharp tap of her +crutch upon the floor. The eyes opened, the glazing +cleared slowly away, and the soul looked out once more +after its strange eclipse. + +We went away early. Agatha was none the worse for her +strange excursion, but I was nervous and unstrung, +unable to listen to or answer the stream of comments +which Wilson was pouring out for my benefit. As I bade +her good-night Miss Penclosa slipped a piece of paper +into my hand. + +"Pray forgive me," said she, "if I take means to +overcome your scepticism. Open this note at ten +o'clock to-morrow morning. It is a little private +test." + +I can't imagine what she means, but there is the note, +and it shall be opened as she directs. My head is +aching, and I have written enough for to-night. To- +morrow I dare say that what seems so inexplicable will +take quite another complexion. I shall not surrender +my convictions without a struggle. + +March 25. I am amazed, confounded. It is clear that I +must reconsider my opinion upon this matter. But first +let me place on record what has occurred. + +I had finished breakfast, and was looking over some +diagrams with which my lecture is to be illustrated, +when my housekeeper entered to tell me that Agatha was +in my study and wished to see me immediately. I +glanced at the clock and saw with sun rise that it was only +half-past nine. + +When I entered the room, she was standing on the +hearth-rug facing me. Something in her pose chilled me +and checked the words which were rising to my lips. +Her veil was half down, but I could see that she was +pale and that her expression was constrained. + +"Austin," she said, "I have come to tell you that our +engagement is at an end." + +I staggered. I believe that I literally did stagger. +I know that I found myself leaning against the bookcase +for support. + +"But--but----" I stammered. "This is very sudden, +Agatha." + +"Yes, Austin, I have come here to tell you that our +engagement is at an end." + +"But surely," I cried, "you will give me some reason! +This is unlike you, Agatha. Tell me how I have been +unfortunate enough to offend you." + +"It is all over, Austin." + +"But why? You must be under some delusion, Agatha. +Perhaps you have been told some falsehood about me. Or +you may have misunderstood something that I have said +to you. Only let me know what it is, and a word may +set it all right." + +"We must consider it all at an end." + +"But you left me last night without a hint at any +disagreement. What could have occurred in the interval +to change you so? It must have been something that +happened last night. You have been thinking it over +and you have disapproved of my conduct. Was it the +mesmerism? Did you blame me for letting that woman +exercise her power over you? You know that at the +least sign I should have interfered." + +"It is useless, Austin. All is over:" + +Her voice was cold and measured; her manner strangely +formal and hard. It seemed to me that she was +absolutely resolved not to be drawn into any argument +or explanation. As for me, I was shaking with +agitation, and I turned my face aside, so ashamed was I +that she should see my want of control. + +"You must know what this means to me!" I cried. "It is +the blasting of all my hopes and the ruin of my life! +You surely will not inflict such a punishment upon me +unheard. You will let me know what is the matter. +Consider how impossible it would be for me, under any +circumstances, to treat you so. For God's sake, +Agatha, let me know what I have done!" + +She walked past me without a word and opened the door. + +"It is quite useless, Austin," said she. "You must +consider our engagement at an end." An instant later +she was gone, and, before I could recover myself +sufficiently to follow her, I heard the hall-door close +behind her. + +I rushed into my room to change my coat, with the idea +of hurrying round to Mrs. Marden's to learn from her +what the cause of my misfortune might be. So shaken +was I that I could hardly lace my boots. Never shall I +forget those horrible ten minutes. I had just pulled +on my overcoat when the clock upon the mantel-piece +struck ten. + +Ten! I associated the idea with Miss Penclosa's note. +It was lying before me on the table, and I tore it +open. It was scribbled in pencil in a peculiarly +angular handwriting. + +"MY DEAR PROFESSOR GILROY [it said]: Pray excuse the +personal nature of the test which I am giving you. +Professor Wilson happened to mention the relations +between you and my subject of this evening, and it +struck me that nothing could be more convincing to you +than if I were to suggest to Miss Marden that she +should call upon you at half-past nine to-morrow +morning and suspend your engagement for half an hour or +so. Science is so exacting that it is difficult to +give a satisfying test, but I am convinced that this at +least will be an action which she would be most +unlikely to do of her own free will. Forget any thing +that she may have said, as she has really nothing +whatever to do with it, and will certainly not +recollect any thing about it. I write this note to +shorten your anxiety, and to beg you to forgive me for +the momentary unhappiness which my suggestion must have +caused you. + "Yours faithfully; + "HELEN PENCLOSA. + + +Really, when I had read the note, I was too relieved to +be angry. It was a liberty. Certainly it was a very +great liberty indeed on the part of a lady whom I had +only met once. But, after all, I had challenged her by +my scepticism. It may have been, as she said, a little +difficult to devise a test which would satisfy me. + +And she had done that. There could be no question at +all upon the point. For me hypnotic suggestion was +finally established. It took its place from now onward +as one of the facts of life. That Agatha, who of all +women of my acquaintance has the best balanced mind, +had been reduced to a condition of automatism appeared +to be certain. A person at a distance had worked her +as an engineer on the shore might guide a Brennan +torpedo. A second soul had stepped in, as it were, had +pushed her own aside, and had seized her nervous +mechanism, saying: "I will work this for half an +hour." And Agatha must have been unconscious as she +came and as she returned. Could she make her way in +safety through the streets in such a state? I put on +my hat and hurried round to see if all was well with +her. + +Yes. She was at home. I was shown into the drawing- +room and found her sitting with a book upon her lap. + +"You are an early visitor, Austin," said she, smiling. + +"And you have been an even earlier one," I answered. + +She looked puzzled. "What do you mean?" she asked. + +"You have not been out to-day?" + +"No, certainly not." + +"Agatha," said I seriously, "would you mind telling me +exactly what you have done this morning?" + +She laughed at my earnestness. + +"You've got on your professional look, Austin. See +what comes of being engaged to a man of science. +However, I will tell you, though I can't imagine what +you want to know for. I got up at eight. I +breakfasted at half-past. I came into this room at ten +minutes past nine and began to read the `Memoirs of +Mme. de Remusat.' In a few minutes I did the French +lady the bad compliment of dropping to sleep over her +pages, and I did you, sir, the very flattering one of +dreaming about you. It is only a few minutes since I +woke up." + +"And found yourself where you had been before?" + +"Why, where else should I find myself?" + +"Would you mind telling me, Agatha, what it was that +you dreamed about me? It really is not mere curiosity +on my part." + +"I merely had a vague impression that you came into it. +I cannot recall any thing definite." + +"If you have not been out to-day, Agatha, how is it +that your shoes are dusty?" + +A pained look came over her face. + +"Really, Austin, I do not know what is the matter with +you this morning. One would almost think that you +doubted my word. If my boots are dusty, it must be, of +course, that I have put on a pair which the maid had +not cleaned." + +It was perfectly evident that she knew nothing whatever +about the matter, and I reflected that, after all, +perhaps it was better that I should not enlighten her. +It might frighten her, and could serve no good purpose +that I could see. I said no more about it, therefore, +and left shortly afterward to give my lecture. + +But I am immensely impressed. My horizon of scientific +possibilities has suddenly been enormously extended. I +no longer wonder at Wilson's demonic energy and +enthusiasm. Who would not work hard who had a vast +virgin field ready to his hand? Why, I have known the +novel shape of a nucleolus, or a trifling peculiarity +of striped muscular fibre seen under a 300-diameter +lens, fill me with exultation. How petty do such +researches seem when compared with this one which +strikes at the very roots of life and the nature of the +soul! I had always looked upon spirit as a product of +matter. The brain, I thought, secreted the mind, as +the liver does the bile. But how can this be when I +see mind working from a distance and playing upon +matter as a musician might upon a violin? The body +does not give rise to the soul, then, but is rather the +rough instrument by which the spirit manifests itself. +The windmill does not give rise to the wind, but only +indicates it. It was opposed to my whole habit of +thought, and yet it was undeniably possible and worthy +of investigation. + +And why should I not investigate it? I see that under +yesterday's date I said: "If I could see something +positive and objective, I might be tempted to approach +it from the physiological aspect." Well, I have got my +test. I shall be as good as my word. The +investigation would, I am sure, be of immense interest. +Some of my colleagues might look askance at it, for +science is full of unreasoning prejudices, but if +Wilson has the courage of his convictions, I can afford +to have it also. I shall go to him to-morrow morning-- +to him and to Miss Penclosa. If she can show us so +much, it is probable that she can show us more. + + + +II + +March 26. Wilson was, as I had anticipated, very +exultant over my conversion, and Miss Penclosa was also +demurely pleased at the result of her experiment. +Strange what a silent, colorless creature she is save +only when she exercises her power! Even talking about +it gives her color and life. She seems to take a +singular interest in me. I cannot help observing how +her eyes follow me about the room. + +We had the most interesting conversation about her own +powers. It is just as well to put her views on record, +though they cannot, of course, claim any scientific +weight. + +"You are on the very fringe of the subject," said she, +when I had expressed wonder at the remarkable instance +of suggestion which she had shown me. "I had no direct +influence upon Miss Marden when she came round to you. +I was not even thinking of her that morning. What I +did was to set her mind as I might set the alarum of a +clock so that at the hour named it would go off of its +own accord. If six months instead of twelve hours had +been suggested, it would have been the same." + +"And if the suggestion had been to assassinate me?" + +"She would most inevitably have done so." + +"But this is a terrible power!" I cried. + +"It is, as you say, a terrible power," she answered +gravely, "and the more you know of it the more terrible +will it seem to you." + +"May I ask," said I, "what you meant when you said that +this matter of suggestion is only at the fringe of it? +What do you consider the essential?" + +"I had rather not tell you." + +I was surprised at the decision of her answer. + +"You understand," said I, "that it is not out of +curiosity I ask, but in the hope that I may find some +scientific explanation for the facts with which you +furnish me." + +"Frankly, Professor Gilroy," said she, "I am not at all +interested in science, nor do I care whether it can or +cannot classify these powers." + +"But I was hoping----" + +"Ah, that is quite another thing. If you make it a +personal matter," said she, with the pleasantest of +smiles, "I shall be only too happy to tell you any +thing you wish to know. Let me see; what was it you +asked me? Oh, about the further powers. Professor +Wilson won't believe in them, but they are quite true +all the same. For example, it is possible for an +operator to gain complete command over his subject-- +presuming that the latter is a good one. Without any +previous suggestion he may make him do whatever he +likes." + +"Without the subject's knowledge?" + +"That depends. If the force were strongly exerted, he +would know no more about it than Miss Marden did when +she came round and frightened you so. Or, if the +influence was less powerful, he might be conscious of +what he was doing, but be quite unable to prevent +himself from doing it." + +"Would he have lost his own will power, then?" + +"It would be over-ridden by another stronger one." + +"Have you ever exercised this power yourself?" + +"Several times." + +"Is your own will so strong, then?" + +"Well, it does not entirely depend upon that. Many +have strong wills which are not detachable from +themselves. The thing is to have the gift of +projecting it into another person and superseding his +own. I find that the power varies with my own strength +and health." + +"Practically, you send your soul into another person's +body." + +"Well, you might put it that way." + +"And what does your own body do?" + +"It merely feels lethargic." + +"Well, but is there no danger to your own health?" I +asked. + +"There might be a little. You have to be careful never +to let your own consciousness absolutely go; otherwise, +you might experience some difficulty in finding your +way back again. You must always preserve the +connection, as it were. I am afraid I express myself +very badly, Professor Gilroy, but of course I don't +know how to put these things in a scientific way. I am +just giving you my own experiences and my own +explanations." + +Well, I read this over now at my leisure, and I marvel +at myself! Is this Austin Gilroy, the man who has won +his way to the front by his hard reasoning power and by +his devotion to fact? Here I am gravely retailing the +gossip of a woman who tells me how her soul may be +projected from her body, and how, while she lies in a +lethargy, she can control the actions of people at a +distance. Do I accept it? Certainly not. She must +prove and re-prove before I yield a point. But if I am +still a sceptic, I have at least ceased to be a +scoffer. We are to have a sitting this evening, and +she is to try if she can produce any mesmeric effect +upon me. If she can, it will make an excellent +starting-point for our investigation. No one can +accuse me, at any rate, of complicity. If she cannot, +we must try and find some subject who will be like +Caesar's wife. Wilson is perfectly impervious. + +10 P. M. I believe that I am on the threshold of an +epoch-making investigation. To have the power of +examining these phenomena from inside--to have an +organism which will respond, and at the same time a +brain which will appreciate and criticise--that is +surely a unique advantage. I am quite sure that Wilson +would give five years of his life to be as susceptible +as I have proved myself to be. + +There was no one present except Wilson and his wife. I +was seated with my head leaning back, and Miss +Penclosa, standing in front and a little to the left, +used the same long, sweeping strokes as with Agatha. +At each of them a warm current of air seemed to strike +me, and to suffuse a thrill and glow all through me +from head to foot. My eyes were fixed upon Miss +Penclosa's face, but as I gazed the features seemed to +blur and to fade away. I was conscious only of her own +eyes looking down at me, gray, deep, inscrutable. +Larger they grew and larger, until they changed +suddenly into two mountain lakes toward which I seemed +to be falling with horrible rapidity. I shuddered, and +as I did so some deeper stratum of thought told me that +the shudder represented the rigor which I had observed +in Agatha. An instant later I struck the surface of +the lakes, now joined into one, and down I went beneath +the water with a fulness in my head and a buzzing in my +ears. Down I went, down, down, and then with a swoop +up again until I could see the light streaming brightly +through the green water. I was almost at the surface +when the word "Awake!" rang through my head, and, with +a start, I found myself back in the arm-chair, with +Miss Penclosa leaning on her crutch, and Wilson, his +note book in his hand, peeping over her shoulder. No +heaviness or weariness was left behind. On the +contrary, though it is only an hour or so since the +experiment, I feel so wakeful that I am more inclined +for my study than my bedroom. I see quite a vista of +interesting experiments extending before us, and am all +impatience to begin upon them. + +March 27. A blank day, as Miss Penclosa goes with +Wilson and his wife to the Suttons'. Have begun Binet +and Ferre's "Animal Magnetism." What strange, deep +waters these are! Results, results, results--and the +cause an absolute mystery. It is stimulating to the +imagination, but I must be on my guard against that. +Let us have no inferences nor deductions, and nothing +but solid facts. I KNOW that the mesmeric trance is +true; I KNOW that mesmeric suggestion is true; I KNOW +that I am myself sensitive to this force. That is my +present position. I have a large new note-book which +shall be devoted entirely to scientific detail. + +Long talk with Agatha and Mrs. Marden in the evening +about our marriage. We think that the summer vac. +(the beginning of it) would be the best time for the +wedding. Why should we delay? I grudge even those few +months. Still, as Mrs. Marden says, there are a good +many things to be arranged. + +March 28. Mesmerized again by Miss Penclosa. +Experience much the same as before, save that +insensibility came on more quickly. See Note-book A +for temperature of room, barometric pressure, pulse, +and respiration as taken by Professor Wilson. + +March 29. Mesmerized again. Details in Note-book A. + +March 30. Sunday, and a blank day. I grudge any +interruption of our experiments. At present they +merely embrace the physical signs which go with slight, +with complete, and with extreme insensibility. +Afterward we hope to pass on to the phenomena of +suggestion and of lucidity. Professors have +demonstrated these things upon women at Nancy and at +the Salpetriere. It will be more convincing when a +woman demonstrates it upon a professor, with a second +professor as a witness. And that I should be the +subject--I, the sceptic, the materialist! At least, I +have shown that my devotion to science is greater than +to my own personal consistency. The eating of our own +words is the greatest sacrifice which truth ever +requires of us. + +My neighbor, Charles Sadler, the handsome young +demonstrator of anatomy, came in this evening to return +a volume of Virchow's "Archives" which I had lent him. +I call him young, but, as a matter of fact, he is a +year older than I am. + +"I understand, Gilroy," said he, "that you are being +experimented upon by Miss Penclosa." + +"Well," he went on, when I had acknowledged it, "if I +were you, I should not let it go any further. You will +think me very impertinent, no doubt, but, none the +less, I feel it to be my duty to advise you to have no +more to do with her." + +Of course I asked him why. + +"I am so placed that I cannot enter into particulars as +freely as I could wish," said he. "Miss Penclosa is +the friend of my friend, and my position is a delicate +one. I can only say this: that I have myself been the +subject of some of the woman's experiments, and that +they have left a most unpleasant impression upon my +mind." + +He could hardly expect me to be satisfied with that, +and I tried hard to get something more definite out of +him, but without success. Is it conceivable that he +could be jealous at my having superseded him? Or is he +one of those men of science who feel personally injured +when facts run counter to their preconceived opinions? +He cannot seriously suppose that because he has some +vague grievance I am, therefore, to abandon a series of +experiments which promise to be so fruitful of results. +He appeared to be annoyed at the light way in which I +treated his shadowy warnings, and we parted with some +little coldness on both sides. + +March 31. Mesmerized by Miss P. + +April 1. Mesmerized by Miss P. (Note-book A.) + +April 2. Mesmerized by Miss P. (Sphygmographic chart +taken by Professor Wilson.) + +April 3. It is possible that this course of mesmerism +may be a little trying to the general constitution. +Agatha says that I am thinner and darker under the +eyes. I am conscious of a nervous irritability which I +had not observed in myself before. The least noise, +for example, makes me start, and the stupidity of a +student causes me exasperation instead of amusement. +Agatha wishes me to stop, but I tell her that every +course of study is trying, and that one can never +attain a result with out paying some price for it. +When she sees the sensation which my forthcoming paper +on "The Relation between Mind and Matter" may make, she +will understand that it is worth a little nervous wear +and tear. I should not be surprised if I got my F. R. +S. over it. + +Mesmerized again in the evening. The effect is +produced more rapidly now, and the subjective visions +are less marked. I keep full notes of each sitting. +Wilson is leaving for town for a week or ten days, but +we shall not interrupt the experiments, which depend +for their value as much upon my sensations as on his +observations. + +April 4. I must be carefully on my guard. A +complication has crept into our experiments which I had +not reckoned upon. In my eagerness for scientific +facts I have been foolishly blind to the human +relations between Miss Penclosa and myself. I can +write here what I would not breathe to a living soul. +The unhappy woman appears to have formed an attachment +for me. + +I should not say such a thing, even in the privacy of +my own intimate journal, if it had not come to such a +pass that it is impossible to ignore it. For some +time,--that is, for the last week,--there have been +signs which I have brushed aside and refused to think +of. Her brightness when I come, her dejection when I +go, her eagerness that I should come often, the +expression of her eyes, the tone of her voice--I tried +to think that they meant nothing, and were, perhaps, +only her ardent West Indian manner. But last night, as +I awoke from the mesmeric sleep, I put out my hand, +unconsciously, involuntarily, and clasped hers. When I +came fully to myself, we were sitting with them locked, +she looking up at me with an expectant smile. And the +horrible thing was that I felt impelled to say what she +expected me to say. What a false wretch I should have +been! How I should have loathed myself to-day had I +yielded to the temptation of that moment! But, thank +God, I was strong enough to spring up and hurry from +the room. I was rude, I fear, but I could not, no, I +COULD not, trust myself another moment. I, a +gentleman, a man of honor, engaged to one of the +sweetest girls in England--and yet in a moment of +reasonless passion I nearly professed love for this +woman whom I hardly know. She is far older than myself +and a cripple. It is monstrous, odious; and yet the +impulse was so strong that, had I stayed another minute +in her presence, I should have committed myself. What +was it? I have to teach others the workings of our +organism, and what do I know of it myself? Was it the +sudden upcropping of some lower stratum in my nature--a +brutal primitive instinct suddenly asserting itself? I +could almost believe the tales of obsession by evil +spirits, so overmastering was the feeling. + +Well, the incident places me in a most unfortunate +position. On the one hand, I am very loath to abandon +a series of experiments which have already gone so far, +and which promise such brilliant results. On the +other, if this unhappy woman has conceived a passion +for me---- But surely even now I must have made some +hideous mistake. She, with her age and her deformity! +It is impossible. And then she knew about Agatha. She +understood how I was placed. She only smiled out of +amusement, perhaps, when in my dazed state I seized her +hand. It was my half-mesmerized brain which gave it a +meaning, and sprang with such bestial swiftness to meet +it. I wish I could persuade myself that it was indeed +so. On the whole, perhaps, my wisest plan would be to +postpone our other experiments until Wilson's return. +I have written a note to Miss Penclosa, therefore, +making no allusion to last night, but saying that a +press of work would cause me to interrupt our sittings +for a few days. She has answered, formally enough, to +say that if I should change my mind I should find her +at home at the usual hour. + +10 P. M. Well, well, what a thing of straw I am! I am +coming to know myself better of late, and the more I +know the lower I fall in my own estimation. Surely I +was not always so weak as this. At four o'clock I +should have smiled had any one told me that I should go +to Miss Penclosa's to-night, and yet, at eight, I was +at Wilson's door as usual. I don't know how it +occurred. The influence of habit, I suppose. Perhaps +there is a mesmeric craze as there is an opium craze, +and I am a victim to it. I only know that as I worked +in my study I became more and more uneasy. I fidgeted. +I worried. I could not concentrate my mind upon the +papers in front of me. And then, at last, almost +before I knew what I was doing, I seized my hat and +hurried round to keep my usual appointment. + +We had an interesting evening. Mrs. Wilson was present +during most of the time, which prevented the +embarrassment which one at least of us must have felt. +Miss Penclosa's manner was quite the same as usual, and +she expressed no surprise at my having come in spite of +my note. There was nothing in her bearing to show that +yesterday's incident had made any impression upon her, +and so I am inclined to hope that I overrated it. + +April 6 (evening). No, no, no, I did not overrate it. +I can no longer attempt to conceal from myself that +this woman has conceived a passion for me. It is +monstrous, but it is true. Again, tonight, I awoke +from the mesmeric trance to find my hand in hers, and +to suffer that odious feeling which urges me to throw +away my honor, my career, every thing, for the sake of +this creature who, as I can plainly see when I am away +from her influence, possesses no single charm upon +earth. But when I am near her, I do not feel this. +She rouses something in me, something evil, something I +had rather not think of. She paralyzes my better +nature, too, at the moment when she stimulates my +worse. Decidedly it is not good for me to be near her. + +Last night was worse than before. Instead of flying I +actually sat for some time with my hand in hers talking +over the most intimate subjects with her. We spoke of +Agatha, among other things. What could I have been +dreaming of? Miss Penclosa said that she was +conventional, and I agreed with her. She spoke once or +twice in a disparaging way of her, and I did not +protest. What a creature I have been! + +Weak as I have proved myself to be, I am still strong +enough to bring this sort of thing to an end. It shall +not happen again. I have sense enough to fly when I +cannot fight. From this Sunday night onward I shall +never sit with Miss Penclosa again. Never! Let the +experiments go, let the research come to an end; any +thing is better than facing this monstrous temptation +which drags me so low. I have said nothing to Miss +Penclosa, but I shall simply stay away. She can tell +the reason without any words of mine. + +April 7. Have stayed away as I said. It is a pity to +ruin such an interesting investigation, but it would be +a greater pity still to ruin my life, and I KNOW that I +cannot trust myself with that woman. + +11 P. M. God help me! What is the matter with me? Am +I going mad? Let me try and be calm and reason with +myself. First of all I shall set down exactly what +occurred. + +It was nearly eight when I wrote the lines with which +this day begins. Feeling strangely restless and uneasy, +I left my rooms and walked round to spend the evening +with Agatha and her mother. They both remarked that I +was pale and haggard. About nine Professor Pratt- +Haldane came in, and we played a game of whist. I +tried hard to concentrate my attention upon the cards, +but the feeling of restlessness grew and grew until I +found it impossible to struggle against it. I simply +COULD not sit still at the table. At last, in the very +middle of a hand, I threw my cards down and, with some +sort of an incoherent apology about having an +appointment, I rushed from the room. As if in a dream +I have a vague recollection of tearing through the +hall, snatching my hat from the stand, and slamming the +door behind me. As in a dream, too, I have the +impression of the double line of gas-lamps, and my +bespattered boots tell me that I must have run down the +middle of the road. It was all misty and strange and +unnatural. I came to Wilson's house; I saw Mrs. Wilson +and I saw Miss Penclosa. I hardly recall what we +talked about, but I do remember that Miss P. shook the +head of her crutch at me in a playful way, and accused +me of being late and of losing interest in our +experiments. There was no mesmerism, but I stayed some +time and have only just returned. + +My brain is quite clear again now, and I can think over +what has occurred. It is absurd to suppose that it is +merely weakness and force of habit. I tried to explain +it in that way the other night, but it will no longer +suffice. It is something much deeper and more terrible +than that. Why, when I was at the Mardens' whist- +table, I was dragged away as if the noose of a rope had +been cast round me. I can no longer disguise it from +myself. The woman has her grip upon me. I am in her +clutch. But I must keep my head and reason it out and +see what is best to be done. + +But what a blind fool I have been! In my enthusiasm +over my research I have walked straight into the pit, +although it lay gaping before me. Did she not herself +warn me? Did she not tell me, as I can read in my own +journal, that when she has acquired power over a +subject she can make him do her will? And she has +acquired that power over me. I am for the moment at +the beck and call of this creature with the crutch. I +must come when she wills it. I must do as she wills. +Worst of all, I must feel as she wills. I loathe her +and fear her, yet, while I am under the spell, she can +doubtless make me love her. + +There is some consolation in the thought, then, that +those odious impulses for which I have blamed myself do +not really come from me at all. They are all +transferred from her, little as I could have guessed it +at the time. I feel cleaner and lighter for the +thought. + +April 8. Yes, now, in broad daylight, writing coolly +and with time for reflection, I am compelled to confirm +every thing which I wrote in my journal last night. I +am in a horrible position, but, above all, I must not +lose my head. I must pit my intellect against her +powers. After all, I am no silly puppet, to dance at +the end of a string. I have energy, brains, courage. +For all her devil's tricks I may beat her yet. May! I +MUST, or what is to become of me? + +Let me try to reason it out! This woman, by her own +explanation, can dominate my nervous organism. She can +project herself into my body and take command of it. +She has a parasite soul; yes, she is a parasite, a +monstrous parasite. She creeps into my frame as the +hermit crab does into the whelk's shell. I am +powerless What can I do? I am dealing with forces of +which I know nothing. And I can tell no one of my +trouble. They would set me down as a madman. +Certainly, if it got noised abroad, the university +would say that they had no need of a devil-ridden +professor. And Agatha! No, no, I must face it alone. + + +III + +I read over my notes of what the woman said when she +spoke about her powers. There is one point which fills +me with dismay. She implies that when the influence is +slight the subject knows what he is doing, but cannot +control himself, whereas when it is strongly exerted he +is absolutely unconscious. Now, I have always known +what I did, though less so last night than on the +previous occasions. That seems to mean that she has +never yet exerted her full powers upon me. Was ever a +man so placed before? + +Yes, perhaps there was, and very near me, too. Charles +Sadler must know something of this! His vague words of +warning take a meaning now. Oh, if I had only listened +to him then, before I helped by these repeated sittings +to forge the links of the chain which binds me! But I +will see him to-day. I will apologize to him for +having treated his warning so lightly. I will see if +he can advise me. + +4 P. M. No, he cannot. I have talked with him, and he +showed such surprise at the first words in which I +tried to express my unspeakable secret that I went no +further. As far as I can gather (by hints and +inferences rather than by any statement), his own +experience was limited to some words or looks such as I +have myself endured. His abandonment of Miss Penclosa +is in itself a sign that he was never really in her +toils. Oh, if he only knew his escape! He has to +thank his phlegmatic Saxon temperament for it. I am +black and Celtic, and this hag's clutch is deep in my +nerves. Shall I ever get it out? Shall I ever be the +same man that I was just one short fortnight ago? + +Let me consider what I had better do. I cannot leave +the university in the middle of the term. If I were +free, my course would be obvious. I should start at +once and travel in Persia. But would she allow me to +start? And could her influence not reach me in Persia, +and bring me back to within touch of her crutch? I can +only find out the limits of this hellish power by my +own bitter experience. I will fight and fight and +fight--and what can I do more? + +I know very well that about eight o'clock to-night that +craving for her society, that irresistible +restlessness, will come upon me. How shall I overcome +it? What shall I do? I must make it impossible for me +to leave the room. I shall lock the door and throw the +key out of the window. But, then, what am I to do in +the morning? Never mind about the morning. I must at +all costs break this chain which holds me. + +April 9. Victory! I have done splendidly! At seven +o'clock last night I took a hasty dinner, and then +locked myself up in my bedroom and dropped the key into +the garden. I chose a cheery novel, and lay in bed for +three hours trying to read it, but really in a horrible +state of trepidation, expecting every instant that I +should become conscious of the impulse. Nothing of the +sort occurred, however, and I awoke this morning with +the feeling that a black nightmare had been lifted off +me. Perhaps the creature realized what I had done, and +understood that it was useless to try to influence me. +At any rate, I have beaten her once, and if I can do it +once, I can do it again. + +It was most awkward about the key in the morning. +Luckily, there was an under-gardener below, and I asked +him to throw it up. No doubt he thought I had just +dropped it. I will have doors and windows screwed up +and six stout men to hold me down in my bed before I +will surrender myself to be hag-ridden in this way. + +I had a note from Mrs. Marden this afternoon asking me +to go round and see her. I intended to do so in any +case, but had not excepted to find bad news waiting for +me. It seems that the Armstrongs, from whom Agatha has +expectations, are due home from Adelaide in the Aurora, +and that they have written to Mrs. Marden and her to +meet them in town. They will probably be away for a +month or six weeks, and, as the Aurora is due on +Wednesday, they must go at once--to-morrow, if they are +ready in time. My consolation is that when we meet +again there will be no more parting between Agatha and +me. + +"I want you to do one thing, Agatha," said I, when we +were alone together. "If you should happen to meet +Miss Penclosa, either in town or here, you must promise +me never again to allow her to mesmerize you." + +Agatha opened her eyes. + +"Why, it was only the other day that you were saying +how interesting it all was, and how determined you were +to finish your experiments." + +"I know, but I have changed my mind since then." + +"And you won't have it any more?" + +"No." + +"I am so glad, Austin. You can't think how pale and +worn you have been lately. It was really our principal +objection to going to London now that we did not wish +to leave you when you were so pulled down. And your +manner has been so strange occasionally--especially +that night when you left poor Professor Pratt-Haldane +to play dummy. I am convinced that these experiments +are very bad for your nerves." + +"I think so, too, dear." + +"And for Miss Penclosa's nerves as well. You have +heard that she is ill?" + +"No." + +"Mrs. Wilson told us so last night. She described it +as a nervous fever. Professor Wilson is coming back this +week, and of course Mrs. Wilson is very anxious that +Miss Penclosa should be well again then, for he has +quite a programme of experiments which he is anxious to +carry out." + +I was glad to have Agatha's promise, for it was enough +that this woman should have one of us in her clutch. +On the other hand, I was disturbed to hear about Miss +Penclosa's illness. It rather discounts the victory +which I appeared to win last night. I remember that +she said that loss of health interfered with her power. +That may be why I was able to hold my own so easily. +Well, well, I must take the same precautions to-night +and see what comes of it. I am childishly frightened +when I think of her. + +April 10. All went very well last night. I was amused +at the gardener's face when I had again to hail him +this morning and to ask him to throw up my key. I +shall get a name among the servants if this sort of +thing goes on. But the great point is that I stayed in +my room without the slightest inclination to leave it. +I do believe that I am shaking myself clear of this +incredible bond--or is it only that the woman's power +is in abeyance until she recovers her strength? I can +but pray for the best. + +The Mardens left this morning, and the brightness seems +to have gone out of the spring sunshine. And yet it is +very beautiful also as it gleams on the green chestnuts +opposite my windows, and gives a touch of gayety to the +heavy, lichen-mottled walls of the old colleges. How +sweet and gentle and soothing is Nature! Who would +think that there lurked in her also such vile forces, +such odious possibilities! For of course I understand +that this dreadful thing which has sprung out at me is +neither supernatural nor even preternatural. No, it is +a natural force which this woman can use and society is +ignorant of. The mere fact that it ebbs with her +strength shows how entirely it is subject to physical +laws. If I had time, I might probe it to the bottom +and lay my hands upon its antidote. But you cannot +tame the tiger when you are beneath his claws. You can +but try to writhe away from him. Ah, when I look in +the glass and see my own dark eyes and clear-cut +Spanish face, I long for a vitriol splash or a bout of +the small-pox. One or the other might have saved me +from this calamity. + +I am inclined to think that I may have trouble to- +night. There are two things which make me fear so. +One is that I met Mrs. Wilson in the street, and that +she tells me that Miss Penclosa is better, though still +weak. I find myself wishing in my heart that the +illness had been her last. The other is that Professor +Wilson comes back in a day or two, and his presence +would act as a constraint upon her. I should not fear +our interviews if a third person were present. For +both these reasons I have a presentiment of trouble to- +night, and I shall take the same precautions as before. + +April 10. No, thank God, all went well last night. I +really could not face the gardener again. I locked my +door and thrust the key underneath it, so that I had to +ask the maid to let me out in the morning. But the +precaution was really not needed, for I never had any +inclination to go out at all. Three evenings in +succession at home! I am surely near the end of my +troubles, for Wilson will be home again either today or +tomorrow. Shall I tell him of what I have gone through +or not? I am convinced that I should not have the +slightest sympathy from him. He would look upon me as +an interesting case, and read a paper about me at the +next meeting of the Psychical Society, in which he +would gravely discuss the possibility of my being a +deliberate liar, and weigh it against the chances of my +being in an early stage of lunacy. No, I shall get no +comfort out of Wilson. + +I am feeling wonderfully fit and well. I don't think I +ever lectured with greater spirit. Oh, if I could only +get this shadow off my life, how happy I should be! +Young, fairly wealthy, in the front rank of my +profession, engaged to a beautiful and charming girl-- +have I not every thing which a man could ask for? Only +one thing to trouble me, but what a thing it is! + +Midnight. I shall go mad. Yes, that will be the end +of it. I shall go mad. I am not far from it now. My +head throbs as I rest it on my hot hand. I am +quivering all over like a scared horse. Oh, what a +night I have had! And yet I have some cause to be +satisfied also. + +At the risk of becoming the laughing-stock of my own +servant, I again slipped my key under the door, +imprisoning myself for the night. Then, finding it too +early to go to bed, I lay down with my clothes on and +began to read one of Dumas's novels. Suddenly I was +gripped--gripped and dragged from the couch. It is +only thus that I can describe the overpowering nature +of the force which pounced upon me. I clawed at the +coverlet. I clung to the wood-work. I believe that I +screamed out in my frenzy. It was all useless, +hopeless. I MUST go. There was no way out of it. It +was only at the outset that I resisted. The force soon +became too overmastering for that. I thank goodness +that there were no watchers there to interfere with me. +I could not have answered for myself if there had been. +And, besides the determination to get out, there came +to me, also, the keenest and coolest judgment in +choosing my means. I lit a candle and endeavored, +kneeling in front of the door, to pull the key through +with the feather-end of a quill pen. It was just too +short and pushed it further away. Then with quiet +persistence I got a paper-knife out of one of the +drawers, and with that I managed to draw the key back. +I opened the door, stepped into my study, took a +photograph of myself from the bureau, wrote something +across it, placed it in the inside pocket of my coat, +and then started off for Wilson's. + +It was all wonderfully clear, and yet disassociated +from the rest of my life, as the incidents of even the +most vivid dream might be. A peculiar double +consciousness possessed me. There was the predominant +alien will, which was bent upon drawing me to the side +of its owner, and there was the feebler protesting +personality, which I recognized as being myself, +tugging feebly at the overmastering impulse as a led +terrier might at its chain. I can remember recognizing +these two conflicting forces, but I recall nothing of +my walk, nor of how I was admitted to the house. + +Very vivid, however, is my recollection of how I met +Miss Penclosa. She was reclining on the sofa in the +little boudoir in which our experiments had usually +been carried out. Her head was rested on her hand, and +a tiger-skin rug had been partly drawn over her. She +looked up expectantly as I entered, and, as the lamp- +light fell upon her face, I could see that she was very +pale and thin, with dark hollows under her eyes. She +smiled at me, and pointed to a stool beside her. It +was with her left hand that she pointed, and I, running +eagerly forward, seized it,--I loathe myself as I think +of it,--and pressed it passionately to my lips. Then, +seating myself upon the stool, and still retaining her +hand, I gave her the photograph which I had brought +with me, and talked and talked and talked--of my love +for her, of my grief over her illness, of my joy at her +recovery, of the misery it was to me to be absent a +single evening from her side. She lay quietly looking +down at me with imperious eyes and her provocative +smile. Once I remember that she passed her hand over +my hair as one caresses a dog; and it gave me +pleasure--the caress. I thrilled under it. I was her +slave, body and soul, and for the moment I rejoiced in +my slavery. + +And then came the blessed change. Never tell me that +there is not a Providence! I was on the brink of +perdition. My feet were on the edge. Was it a +coincidence that at that very instant help should come? +No, no, no; there is a Providence, and its hand has +drawn me back. There is something in the universe +stronger than this devil woman with her tricks. Ah, +what a balm to my heart it is to think so! + +As I looked up at her I was conscious of a change in +her. Her face, which had been pale before, was now +ghastly. Her eyes were dull, and the lids drooped +heavily over them. Above all, the look of serene +confidence had gone from her features. Her mouth had +weakened. Her forehead had puckered. She was +frightened and undecided. And as I watched the change +my own spirit fluttered and struggled, trying hard to +tear itself from the grip which held it--a grip which, +from moment to moment, grew less secure. + +"Austin," she whispered, "I have tried to do too much. +I was not strong enough. I have not recovered yet from +my illness. But I could not live longer without seeing +you. You won't leave me, Austin? This is only a +passing weakness. If you will only give me five +minutes, I shall be myself again. Give me the small +decanter from the table in the window." + +But I had regained my soul. With her waning strength +the influence had cleared away from me and left me +free. And I was aggressive--bitterly, fiercely +aggressive. For once at least I could make this woman +understand what my real feelings toward her were. My +soul was filled with a hatred as bestial as the love +against which it was a reaction. It was the savage, +murderous passion of the revolted serf. I could have +taken the crutch from her side and beaten her face in +with it. She threw her hands up, as if to avoid a +blow, and cowered away from me into the corner of the +settee. + +"The brandy!" she gasped. "The brandy!" + +I took the decanter and poured it over the roots of a +palm in the window. Then I snatched the photograph +from her hand and tore it into a hundred pieces. + +"You vile woman," I said, "if I did my duty to society, +you would never leave this room alive!" + +"I love you, Austin; I love you!" she wailed. + +"Yes," I cried, "and Charles Sadler before. And how +many others before that?" + +"Charles Sadler!" she gasped. "He has spoken to you? +So, Charles Sadler, Charles Sadler!" Her voice came +through her white lips like a snake's hiss. + +"Yes, I know you, and others shall know you, too. You +shameless creature! You knew how I stood. And yet you +used your vile power to bring me to your side. You +may, perhaps, do so again, but at least you will +remember that you have heard me say that I love Miss +Marden from the bottom of my soul, and that I loathe +you, abhor you! + +"The very sight of you and the sound of your voice fill +me with horror and disgust. The thought of you is +repulsive. That is how I feel toward you, and if it +pleases you by your tricks to draw me again to your +side as you have done to-night, you will at least, I +should think, have little satisfaction in trying to +make a lover out of a man who has told you his real +opinion of you. You may put what words you will into +my mouth, but you cannot help remembering----" + +I stopped, for the woman's head had fallen back, and +she had fainted. She could not bear to hear what I had +to say to her! What a glow of satisfaction it gives me +to think that, come what may, in the future she can +never misunderstand my true feelings toward her. But +what will occur in the future? What will she do next? +I dare not think of it. Oh, if only I could hope that +she will leave me alone! But when I think of what I +said to her---- Never mind; I have been stronger than +she for once. + +April 11. I hardly slept last night, and found myself +in the morning so unstrung and feverish that I was +compelled to ask Pratt-Haldane to do my lecture for me. +It is the first that I have ever missed. I rose at +mid-day, but my head is aching, my hands quivering, and +my nerves in a pitiable state. + +Who should come round this evening but Wilson. He has +just come back from London, where he has lectured, read +papers, convened meetings, exposed a medium, conducted +a series of experiments on thought transference, +entertained Professor Richet of Paris, spent hours +gazing into a crystal, and obtained some evidence as to +the passage of matter through matter. All this he +poured into my ears in a single gust. + +"But you!" he cried at last. "You are not looking +well. And Miss Penclosa is quite prostrated to-day. +How about the experiments?" + +"I have abandoned them." + +"Tut, tut! Why?" + +"The subject seems to me to be a dangerous one." + +Out came his big brown note-book. + +"This is of great interest," said he. "What are your +grounds for saying that it is a dangerous one? Please +give your facts in chronological order, with +approximate dates and names of reliable witnesses with +their permanent addresses." + +"First of all," I asked, "would you tell me whether you +have collected any cases where the mesmerist has gained +a command over the subject and has used it for evil +purposes?" + +"Dozens!" he cried exultantly. "Crime by +suggestion----" + +"I don't mean suggestion. I mean where a sudden +impulse comes from a person at a distance--an +uncontrollable impulse." + +"Obsession!" he shrieked, in an ecstasy of delight. +"It is the rarest condition. We have eight cases, five +well attested. You don't mean to say----" His +exultation made him hardly articulate. + +"No, I don't," said I. "Good-evening! You will excuse +me, but I am not very well to-night." And so at last +I got rid of him, still brandishing his pencil and his +note-book. My troubles may be bad to hear, but at +least it is better to hug them to myself than to have +myself exhibited by Wilson, like a freak at a fair. He +has lost sight of human beings. Every thing to him is +a case and a phenomenon. I will die before I speak to +him again upon the matter. + +April 12. Yesterday was a blessed day of quiet, and I +enjoyed an uneventful night. Wilson's presence is a +great consolation. What can the woman do now? Surely, +when she has heard me say what I have said, she will +conceive the same disgust for me which I have for her. +She could not, no, she COULD not, desire to have a +lover who had insulted her so. No, I believe I am free +from her love--but how about her hate? Might she not +use these powers of hers for revenge? Tut! why should +I frighten myself over shadows? She will forget about +me, and I shall forget about her, and all will be well. + +April 13. My nerves have quite recovered their tone. +I really believe that I have conquered the creature. +But I must confess to living in some suspense. She is +well again, for I hear that she was driving with Mrs. +Wilson in the High Street in the afternoon. + +April 14. I do wish I could get away from the place +altogether. I shall fly to Agatha's side the very day +that the term closes. I suppose it is pitiably weak of +me, but this woman gets upon my nerves most terribly. +I have seen her again, and I have spoken with her. + +It was just after lunch, and I was smoking a cigarette +in my study, when I heard the step of my servant Murray +in the passage. I was languidly conscious that a +second step was audible behind, and had hardly troubled +myself to speculate who it might be, when suddenly a +slight noise brought me out of my chair with my skin +creeping with apprehension. I had never particularly +observed before what sort of sound the tapping of a +crutch was, but my quivering nerves told me that I +heard it now in the sharp wooden clack which alternated +with the muffled thud of the foot fall. Another +instant and my servant had shown her in. + +I did not attempt the usual conventions of society, nor +did she. I simply stood with the smouldering cigarette +in my hand, and gazed at her. She in her turn looked +silently at me, and at her look I remembered how in +these very pages I had tried to define the expression +of her eyes, whether they were furtive or fierce. To- +day they were fierce--coldly and inexorably so. + +"Well," said she at last, "are you still of the same +mind as when I saw you last?" + +"I have always been of the same mind." + +"Let us understand each other, Professor Gilroy," said +she slowly. "I am not a very safe person to trifle +with, as you should realize by now. It was you who +asked me to enter into a series of experiments with +you, it was you who won my affections, it was you who +professed your love for me, it was you who brought me +your own photograph with words of affection upon it, +and, finally, it was you who on the very same evening +thought fit to insult me most outrageously, addressing +me as no man has ever dared to speak to me yet. Tell +me that those words came from you in a moment of +passion and I am prepared to forget and to forgive +them. You did not mean what you said, Austin? You do +not really hate me?" + +I might have pitied this deformed woman--such a longing +for love broke suddenly through the menace of her eyes. +But then I thought of what I had gone through, and my +heart set like flint. + +"If ever you heard me speak of love," said I, "you know +very well that it was your voice which spoke, and not +mine. The only words of truth which I have ever been +able to say to you are those which you heard when last +we met." + +"I know. Some one has set you against me. It was he!" +She tapped with her crutch upon the floor. "Well, you +know very well that I could bring you this instant +crouching like a spaniel to my feet. You will not find +me again in my hour of weakness, when you can insult me +with impunity. Have a care what you are doing, +Professor Gilroy. You stand in a terrible position. +You have not yet realized the hold which I have upon +you." + +I shrugged my shoulders and turned away. + +"Well," said she, after a pause, "if you despise my +love, I must see what can be done with fear. You +smile, but the day will come when you will come +screaming to me for pardon. Yes, you will grovel on +the ground before me, proud as you are, and you will +curse the day that ever you turned me from your best +friend into your most bitter enemy. Have a care, +Professor Gilroy!" I saw a white hand shaking in the +air, and a face which was scarcely human, so convulsed +was it with passion. An instant later she was gone, +and I heard the quick hobble and tap receding down the +passage. + +But she has left a weight upon my heart. Vague +presentiments of coming misfortune lie heavy upon me. +I try in vain to persuade myself that these are only +words of empty anger. I can remember those relentless +eyes too clearly to think so. What shall I do--ah, +what shall I do? I am no longer master of my own soul. +At any moment this loathsome parasite may creep into +me, and then---- I must tell some one my hideous +secret--I must tell it or go mad. If I had some one to +sympathize and advise! Wilson is out of the question. +Charles Sadler would understand me only so far as his +own experience carries him. Pratt-Haldane! He is a +well-balanced man, a man of great common-sense and +resource. I will go to him. I will tell him every +thing. God grant that he may be able to advise me! + + +IV + +6.45 P. M. No, it is useless. There is no human help +for me; I must fight this out single-handed. Two +courses lie before me. I might become this woman's +lover. Or I must endure such persecutions as she can +inflict upon me. Even if none come, I shall live in a +hell of apprehension. But she may torture me, she may +drive me mad, she may kill me: I will never, never, +never give in. What can she inflict which would be +worse than the loss of Agatha, and the knowledge that I +am a perjured liar, and have forfeited the name of +gentleman? + +Pratt-Haldane was most amiable, and listened with all +politeness to my story. But when I looked at his heavy +set features, his slow eyes, and the ponderous study +furniture which surrounded him, I could hardly tell him +what I had come to say. It was all so substantial, so +material. And, besides, what would I myself have said +a short month ago if one of my colleagues had come to +me with a story of demonic possession? Perhaps. I +should have been less patient than he was. As it was, +he took notes of my statement, asked me how much tea I +drank, how many hours I slept, whether I had been +overworking much, had I had sudden pains in the head, +evil dreams, singing in the ears, flashes before the +eyes--all questions which pointed to his belief that +brain congestion was at the bottom of my trouble. +Finally he dismissed me with a great many platitudes +about open-air exercise, and avoidance of nervous +excitement. His prescription, which was for chloral +and bromide, I rolled up and threw into the gutter. + +No, I can look for no help from any human being. If I +consult any more, they may put their heads together and +I may find myself in an asylum. I can but grip my +courage with both hands, and pray that an honest man +may not be abandoned. + +April 10. It is the sweetest spring within the memory +of man. So green, so mild, so beautiful! Ah, what a +contrast between nature without and my own soul so torn +with doubt and terror! It has been an uneventful day, +but I know that I am on the edge of an abyss. I know +it, and yet I go on with the routine of my life. The +one bright spot is that Agatha is happy and well and +out of all danger. If this creature had a hand on each +of us, what might she not do? + +April 16. The woman is ingenious in her torments. She +knows how fond I am of my work, and how highly my +lectures are thought of. So it is from that point that +she now attacks me. It will end, I can see, in my +losing my professorship, but I will fight to the +finish. She shall not drive me out of it without a +struggle. + +I was not conscious of any change during my lecture +this morning save that for a minute or two I had a +dizziness and swimminess which rapidly passed away. On +the contrary, I congratulated myself upon having made +my subject (the functions of the red corpuscles) both +interesting and clear. I was surprised, therefore, +when a student came into my laboratory immediately +after the lecture, and complained of being puzzled by +the discrepancy between my statements and those in the +text books. He showed me his note-book, in which I was +reported as having in one portion of the lecture +championed the most outrageous and unscientific +heresies. Of course I denied it, and declared that he +had misunderstood me, but on comparing his notes with +those of his companions, it became clear that he was +right, and that I really had made some most +preposterous statements. Of course I shall explain it +away as being the result of a moment of aberration, but +I feel only too sure that it will be the first of a +series. It is but a month now to the end of the +session, and I pray that I may be able to hold out +until then. + +April 26. Ten days have elapsed since I have had the +heart to make any entry in my journal. Why should I +record my own humiliation and degradation? I had vowed +never to open it again. And yet the force of habit is +strong, and here I find myself taking up once more the +record of my own dreadful experiences--in much the same +spirit in which a suicide has been known to take notes +of the effects of the poison which killed him. + +Well, the crash which I had foreseen has come--and that +no further back than yesterday. The university +authorities have taken my lectureship from me. It has +been done in the most delicate way, purporting to be a +temporary measure to relieve me from the effects of +overwork, and to give me the opportunity of recovering +my health. None the less, it has been done, and I am +no longer Professor Gilroy. The laboratory is still in +my charge, but I have little doubt that that also will +soon go. + +The fact is that my lectures had become the laughing- +stock of the university. My class was crowded with +students who came to see and hear what the eccentric +professor would do or say next. I cannot go into the +detail of my humiliation. Oh, that devilish woman! +There is no depth of buffoonery and imbecility to which +she has not forced me. I would begin my lecture +clearly and well, but always with the sense of a coming +eclipse. Then as I felt the influence I would struggle +against it, striving with clenched hands and beads of +sweat upon my brow to get the better of it, while the +students, hearing my incoherent words and watching my +contortions, would roar with laughter at the antics of +their professor. And then, when she had once fairly +mastered me, out would come the most outrageous +things--silly jokes, sentiments as though I were +proposing a toast, snatches of ballads, personal abuse +even against some member of my class. And then in a +moment my brain would clear again, and my lecture would +proceed decorously to the end. No wonder that my +conduct has been the talk of the colleges. No wonder +that the University Senate has been compelled to take +official notice of such a scandal. Oh, that devilish +woman! + +And the most dreadful part of it all is my own +loneliness. Here I sit in a commonplace English bow- +window, looking out upon a commonplace English street +with its garish 'buses and its lounging policeman, and +behind me there hangs a shadow which is out of all +keeping with the age and place. In the home of +knowledge I am weighed down and tortured by a power of +which science knows nothing. No magistrate would +listen to me. No paper would discuss my case. No +doctor would believe my symptoms. My own most intimate +friends would only look upon it as a sign of brain +derangement. I am out of all touch with my kind. Oh, +that devilish woman! Let her have a care! She may +push me too far. When the law cannot help a man, he +may make a law for himself. + +She met me in the High Street yesterday evening and +spoke to me. It was as well for her, perhaps, that it +was not between the hedges of a lonely country road. +She asked me with her cold smile whether I had been +chastened yet. I did not deign to answer her. "We +must try another turn of the screw;" said she. Have a +care, my lady, have a care! I had her at my mercy +once. Perhaps another chance may come. + +April 28. The suspension of my lectureship has had the +effect also of taking away her means of annoying me, +and so I have enjoyed two blessed days of peace. After +all, there is no reason to despair. Sympathy pours in +to me from all sides, and every one agrees that it is +my devotion to science and the arduous nature of my +researches which have shaken my nervous system. I have +had the kindest message from the council advising me to +travel abroad, and expressing the confident hope that I +may be able to resume all my duties by the beginning of +the summer term. Nothing could be more flattering than +their allusions to my career and to my services to the +university. It is only in misfortune that one can test +one's own popularity. This creature may weary of +tormenting me, and then all may yet be well. May God +grant it! + +April 29. Our sleepy little town has had a small +sensation. The only knowledge of crime which we ever +have is when a rowdy undergraduate breaks a few lamps +or comes to blows with a policeman. Last night, +however, there was an attempt made to break-into the +branch of the Bank of England, and we are all in a +flutter in consequence. + +Parkenson, the manager, is an intimate friend of mine, +and I found him very much excited when I walked round +there after breakfast. Had the thieves broken into the +counting-house, they would still have had the safes to +reckon with, so that the defence was considerably +stronger than the attack. Indeed, the latter does not +appear to have ever been very formidable. Two of the +lower windows have marks as if a chisel or some such +instrument had been pushed under them to force them +open. The police should have a good clue, for the +wood-work had been done with green paint only the day +before, and from the smears it is evident that some of +it has found its way on to the criminal's hands or +clothes. + +4.30 P. M. Ah, that accursed woman! That thrice +accursed woman! Never mind! She shall not beat me! +No, she shall not! But, oh, the she-devil! She has +taken my professorship. Now she would take my honor. +Is there nothing I can do against her, nothing save---- +Ah, but, hard pushed as I am, I cannot bring myself to +think of that! + +It was about an hour ago that I went into my bedroom, +and was brushing my hair before the glass, when +suddenly my eyes lit upon something which left me so +sick and cold that I sat down upon the edge of the bed +and began to cry. It is many a long year since I shed +tears, but all my nerve was gone, and I could but sob +and sob in impotent grief and anger. There was my +house jacket, the coat I usually wear after dinner, +hanging on its peg by the wardrobe, with the right +sleeve thickly crusted from wrist to elbow with daubs +of green paint. + +So this was what she meant by another turn of the +screw! She had made a public imbecile of me. Now she +would brand me as a criminal. This time she has +failed. But how about the next? I dare not think of +it--and of Agatha and my poor old mother! I wish that +I were dead! + +Yes, this is the other turn of the screw. And this is +also what she meant, no doubt, when she said that I had +not realized yet the power she has over me. I look +back at my account of my conversation with her, and I +see how she declared that with a slight exertion of her +will her subject would be conscious, and with a +stronger one unconscious. Last night I was +unconscious. I could have sworn that I slept soundly +in my bed without so much as a dream. And yet those +stains tell me that I dressed, made my way out, +attempted to open the bank windows, and returned. Was +I observed? Is it possible that some one saw me do it +and followed me home? Ah, what a hell my life has +become! I have no peace, no rest. But my patience is +nearing its end. + +10 P. M. I have cleaned my coat with turpentine. I do +not think that any one could have seen me. It was with +my screw-driver that I made the marks. I found it all +crusted with paint, and I have cleaned it. My head +aches as if it would burst, and I have taken five +grains of antipyrine. If it were not for Agatha, I +should have taken fifty and had an end of it. + +May 3. Three quiet days. This hell fiend is like a +cat with a mouse. She lets me loose only to pounce +upon me again. I am never so frightened as when every +thing is still. My physical state is deplorable-- +perpetual hiccough and ptosis of the left eyelid. + +I have heard from the Mardens that they will be back +the day after to-morrow. I do not know whether I am +glad or sorry. They were safe in London. Once here +they may be drawn into the miserable network in which I +am myself struggling. And I must tell them of it. I +cannot marry Agatha so long as I know that I am not +responsible for my own actions. Yes, I must tell them, +even if it brings every thing to an end between us. + +To-night is the university ball, and I must go. God +knows I never felt less in the humor for festivity, but +I must not have it said that I am unfit to appear in +public. If I am seen there, and have speech with some +of the elders of the university it will go a long way +toward showing them that it would be unjust to take my +chair away from me. + +10 P. M. I have been to the ball. Charles Sadler and +I went together, but I have come away before him. I +shall wait up for him, however, for, indeed, I fear to +go to sleep these nights. He is a cheery, practical +fellow, and a chat with him will steady my nerves. On +the whole, the evening was a great success. I talked +to every one who has influence, and I think that I made +them realize that my chair is not vacant quite yet. +The creature was at the ball--unable to dance, of +course, but sitting with Mrs. Wilson. Again and again +her eyes rested upon me. They were almost the last +things I saw before I left the room. Once, as I sat +sideways to her, I watched her, and saw that her gaze +was following some one else. It was Sadler, who was +dancing at the time with the second Miss Thurston. To +judge by her expression, it is well for him that he is +not in her grip as I am. He does not know the escape +he has had. I think I hear his step in the street now, +and I will go down and let him in. If he will---- + +May 4. Why did I break off in this way last night? I +never went down stairs, after all--at least, I have no +recollection of doing so. But, on the other hand, I +cannot remember going to bed. One of my hands is +greatly swollen this morning, and yet I have no +remembrance of injuring it yesterday. Otherwise, I am +feeling all the better for last night's festivity. But +I cannot understand how it is that I did not meet +Charles Sadler when I so fully intended to do so. Is +it possible---- My God, it is only too probable! Has +she been leading me some devil's dance again? I will +go down to Sadler and ask him. + +Mid-day. The thing has come to a crisis. My life is +not worth living. But, if I am to die, then she shall +come also. I will not leave her behind, to drive some +other man mad as she has me. No, I have come to the +limit of my endurance. She has made me as desperate +and dangerous a man as walks the earth. God knows I +have never had the heart to hurt a fly, and yet, if I +had my hands now upon that woman, she should never +leave this room alive. I shall see her this very day, +and she shall learn what she has to expect from me. + +I went to Sadler and found him, to my surprise, in bed. +As I entered he sat up and turned a face toward me +which sickened me as I looked at it. + +"Why, Sadler, what has happened?" I cried, but my heart +turned cold as I said it. + +"Gilroy," he answered, mumbling with his swollen lips, +"I have for some weeks been under the impression that +you are a madman. Now I know it, and that you are a +dangerous one as well. If it were not that I am +unwilling to make a scandal in the college, you would +now be in the hands of the police." + +"Do you mean----" I cried. + +"I mean that as I opened the door last night you rushed +out upon me, struck me with both your fists in the +face, knocked me down, kicked me furiously in the side, +and left me lying almost unconscious in the street. +Look at your own hand bearing witness against you." + +Yes, there it was, puffed up, with sponge-like +knuckles, as after some terrific blow. What could I +do? Though he put me down as a madman, I must tell him +all. I sat by his bed and went over all my troubles +from the beginning. I poured them out with quivering +hands and burning words which might have carried +conviction to the most sceptical. "She +hates you and she hates me!" I cried. "She revenged +herself last night on both of us at once. She saw me +leave the ball, and she must have seen you also. She +knew how long it would take you to reach home. Then +she had but to use her wicked will. Ah, your bruised +face is a small thing beside my bruised soul!" + +He was struck by my story. That was evident. "Yes, +yes, she watched me out of the room," he muttered. +"She is capable of it. But is it possible that she has +really reduced you to this? What do you intend to do?" + +"To stop it!" I cried. "I am perfectly desperate; I +shall give her fair warning to-day, and the next time +will be the last." + +"Do nothing rash," said he. + +"Rash!" I cried. "The only rash thing is that I should +postpone it another hour." With that I rushed to my +room, and here I am on the eve of what may be the great +crisis of my life. I shall start at once. I have +gained one thing to-day, for I have made one man, at +least, realize the truth of this monstrous experience +of mine. And, if the worst should happen, this diary +remains as a proof of the goad that has driven me. + +Evening. When I came to Wilson's, I was shown up, and +found that he was sitting with Miss Penclosa. For half +an hour I had to endure his fussy talk about his recent +research into the exact nature of the spiritualistic +rap, while the creature and I sat in silence looking +across the room at each other. I read a sinister +amusement in her eyes, and she must have seen hatred +and menace in mine. I had almost despaired of having +speech with her when he was called from the room, and +we were left for a few moments together. + +"Well, Professor Gilroy--or is it Mr. Gilroy?" said +she, with that bitter smile of hers. "How is your +friend Mr. Charles Sadler after the ball?" + +"You fiend!" I cried. "You have come to the end of +your tricks now. I will have no more of them. Listen +to what I say." I strode across and shook her roughly +by the shoulder "As sure as there is a God in heaven, I +swear that if you try another of your deviltries upon +me I will have your life for it. Come what may, I will +have your life. I have come to the end of what a man +can endure." + +"Accounts are not quite settled between us," said she, +with a passion that equalled my own. "I can love, and +I can hate. You had your choice. You chose to spurn +the first; now you must test the other. It will take a +little more to break your spirit, I see, but broken it +shall be. Miss Marden comes back to-morrow, as I +understand." + +"What has that to do with you?" I cried. "It is a +pollution that you should dare even to think of her. +If I thought that you would harm her----" + +She was frightened, I could see, though she tried to +brazen it out. She read the black thought in my mind, +and cowered away from me. + +"She is fortunate in having such a champion," said she. +"He actually dares to threaten a lonely woman. I must +really congratulate Miss Marden upon her protector." + +The words were bitter, but the voice and manner were +more acid still. + +"There is no use talking," said I. "I only came here +to tell you,--and to tell you most solemnly,--that your +next outrage upon me will be your last." With that, as +I heard Wilson's step upon the stair, I walked from the +room. Ay, she may look venomous and deadly, but, for +all that, she is beginning to see now that she has as +much to fear from me as I can have from her. Murder! +It has an ugly sound. But you don't talk of murdering +a snake or of murdering a tiger. Let her have a care +now. + +May 5. I met Agatha and her mother at the station at +eleven o'clock. She is looking so bright, so happy, so +beautiful. And she was so overjoyed to see me. What +have I done to deserve such love? I went back home +with them, and we lunched together. All the troubles +seem in a moment to have been shredded back from my +life. She tells me that I am looking pale and worried +and ill. The dear child puts it down to my loneliness +and the perfunctory attentions of a housekeeper. I +pray that she may never know the truth! May the +shadow, if shadow there must be, lie ever black across +my life and leave hers in the sunshine. I have just +come back from them, feeling a new man. With her by my +side I think that I could show a bold face to any thing +which life might send. + +5 P. M. Now, let me try to be accurate. Let me try to +say exactly how it occurred. It is fresh in my mind, +and I can set it down correctly, though it is not +likely that the time will ever come when I shall forget +the doings of to-day. + +I had returned from the Mardens' after lunch, and was +cutting some microscopic sections in my freezing +microtome, when in an instant I lost consciousness in +the sudden hateful fashion which has become only too +familiar to me of late. + +When my senses came back to me I was sitting in a small +chamber, very different from the one in which I had +been working. It was cosey and bright, with chintz- +covered settees, colored hangings, and a thousand +pretty little trifles upon the wall. A small +ornamental clock ticked in front of me, and the hands +pointed to half-past three. It was all quite familiar +to me, and yet I stared about for a moment in a half- +dazed way until my eyes fell upon a cabinet photograph +of myself upon the top of the piano. On the other side +stood one of Mrs. Marden. Then, of course, I +remembered where I was. It was Agatha's boudoir. + +But how came I there, and what did I want? A horrible +sinking came to my heart. Had I been sent here on some +devilish errand? Had that errand already been done? +Surely it must; otherwise, why should I be allowed to +come back to consciousness? Oh, the agony of that +moment! What had I done? I sprang to my feet in my +despair, and as I did so a small glass bottle fell from +my knees on to the carpet. + +It was unbroken, and I picked it up. Outside was +written "Sulphuric Acid. Fort." When I drew the round +glass stopper, a thick fume rose slowly up, and a +pungent, choking smell pervaded the room. I recognized +it as one which I kept for chemical testing in my +chambers. But why had I brought a bottle of vitriol +into Agatha's chamber? Was it not this thick, reeking +liquid with which jealous women had been known to mar +the beauty of their rivals? My heart stood still as I +held the bottle to the light. Thank God, it was full! +No mischief had been done as yet. But had Agatha come +in a minute sooner, was it not certain that the hellish +parasite within me would have dashed the stuff into +her---- Ah, it will not bear to be thought of! But it +must have been for that. Why else should I have +brought it? At the thought of what I might have done +my worn nerves broke down, and I sat shivering and +twitching, the pitiable wreck of a man. + +It was the sound of Agatha's voice and the rustle of +her dress which restored me. I looked up, and saw her +blue eyes, so full of tenderness and pity, gazing down +at me. + +"We must take you away to the country, Austin," she +said. "You want rest and quiet. You look wretchedly +ill." + +"Oh, it is nothing!" said I, trying to smile. "It was +only a momentary weakness. I am all right again now." + +"I am so sorry to keep you waiting. Poor boy, you must +have been here quite half an hour! The vicar was in +the drawing-room, and, as I knew that you did not care +for him, I thought it better that Jane should show you +up here. I thought the man would never go!" + +"Thank God he stayed! Thank God he stayed!" I cried +hysterically. + +"Why, what is the matter with you, Austin?" she asked, +holding my arm as I staggered up from the chair. "Why +are you glad that the vicar stayed? And what is this +little bottle in your hand?" + +"Nothing," I cried, thrusting it into my pocket. "But +I must go. I have something important to do." + +"How stern you look, Austin! I have never seen your +face like that. You are angry?" + +"Yes, I am angry." + +"But not with me?" + +"No, no, my darling! You would not understand." + +"But you have not told me why you came." + +"I came to ask you whether you would always love me--no +matter what I did, or what shadow might fall on my +name. Would you believe in me and trust me however +black appearances might be against me?" + +"You know that I would, Austin." + +"Yes, I know that you would. What I do I shall do for +you. I am driven to it. There is no other way out, my +darling!" I kissed her and rushed from the room. + +The time for indecision was at an end. As long as the +creature threatened my own prospects and my honor there +might be a question as to what I should do. But now, +when Agatha--my innocent Agatha--was endangered, my +duty lay before me like a turnpike road. I had no +weapon, but I never paused for that. What weapon +should I need, when I felt every muscle quivering with +the strength of a frenzied man? I ran through the +streets, so set upon what I had to do that I was only +dimly conscious of the faces of friends whom I met-- +dimly conscious also that Professor Wilson met me, +running with equal precipitance in the opposite +direction. Breathless but resolute I reached the house +and rang the bell. A white cheeked maid opened the +door, and turned whiter yet when she saw the face that +looked in at her. + +"Show me up at once to Miss Penclosa," I demanded. + +"Sir," she gasped, "Miss Penclosa died this afternoon +at half-past three!" + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Etext of The Parasite, by Arthur Conan Doyle + |