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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/3533-h.zip b/3533-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed3990d --- /dev/null +++ b/3533-h.zip diff --git a/3533-h/3533-h.htm b/3533-h/3533-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..882cadc --- /dev/null +++ b/3533-h/3533-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,7556 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town, by Stephen Leacock + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +Project Gutenberg's Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town, by Stephen Leacock + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town + +Author: Stephen Leacock + +Release Date: February 25, 2009 [EBook #3533] +Last Updated: January 26, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUNSHINE SKETCHES OF A LITTLE TOWN *** + + + + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan, The Distributed Proofreaders Team, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + SUNSHINE SKETCHES OF A LITTLE TOWN + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Stephen Leacock, 1869-1944 + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <p> + <a href="#link2H_PREF"> Preface </a><br /> + </p> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> ONE. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Hostelry of Mr. Smith + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> TWO. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Speculations of Jefferson Thorpe + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> THREE. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Marine Excursions of the Knights of Pythias + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> FOUR. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Ministrations of the Rev. Mr. Drone + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> FIVE. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Whirlwind Campaign in Mariposa + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> SIX. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Beacon on the Hill + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> SEVEN. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Extraordinary Entanglement of Mr. Pupkin + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> EIGHT. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Fore-ordained Attachment of Zena Pepperleigh and Peter Pupkin + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> NINE. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Mariposa Bank Mystery + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> TEN. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Great Election in Missinaba County + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> ELEVEN. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Candidacy of Mr. Smith + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> TWELVE. </a> + </td> + <td> + L'Envoi. The Train to Mariposa + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_PREF" id="link2H_PREF"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + Preface + </h2> + <p> + I know no way in which a writer may more fittingly introduce his work to + the public than by giving a brief account of who and what he is. By this + means some of the blame for what he has done is very properly shifted to + the extenuating circumstances of his life. + </p> + <p> + I was born at Swanmoor, Hants, England, on December 30, 1869. I am not + aware that there was any particular conjunction of the planets at the + time, but should think it extremely likely. My parents migrated to Canada + in 1876, and I decided to go with them. My father took up a farm near Lake + Simcoe, in Ontario. This was during the hard times of Canadian farming, + and my father was just able by great diligence to pay the hired men and, + in years of plenty, to raise enough grain to have seed for the next year's + crop without buying any. By this process my brothers and I were inevitably + driven off the land, and have become professors, business men, and + engineers, instead of being able to grow up as farm labourers. Yet I saw + enough of farming to speak exuberantly in political addresses of the joy + of early rising and the deep sleep, both of body and intellect, that is + induced by honest manual toil. + </p> + <p> + I was educated at Upper Canada College, Toronto, of which I was head boy + in 1887. From there I went to the University of Toronto, where I graduated + in 1891. At the University I spent my entire time in the acquisition of + languages, living, dead, and half-dead, and knew nothing of the outside + world. In this diligent pursuit of words I spent about sixteen hours of + each day. Very soon after graduation I had forgotten the languages, and + found myself intellectually bankrupt. In other words I was what is called + a distinguished graduate, and, as such, I took to school teaching as the + only trade I could find that need neither experience nor intellect. I + spent my time from 1891 to 1899 on the staff of Upper Canada College, an + experience which has left me with a profound sympathy for the many gifted + and brilliant men who are compelled to spend their lives in the most + dreary, the most thankless, and the worst paid profession in the world. I + have noted that of my pupils, those who seemed the laziest and the least + enamoured of books are now rising to eminence at the bar, in business, and + in public life; the really promising boys who took all the prizes are now + able with difficulty to earn the wages of a clerk in a summer hotel or a + deck hand on a canal boat. + </p> + <p> + In 1899 I gave up school teaching in disgust, borrowing enough money to + live upon for a few months, and went to the University of Chicago to study + economics and political science. I was soon appointed to a Fellowship in + political economy, and by means of this and some temporary employment by + McGill University, I survived until I took the degree of Doctor of + Philosophy in 1903. The meaning of this degree is that the recipient of + instruction is examined for the last time in his life, and is pronounced + completely full. After this, no new ideas can be imparted to him. + </p> + <p> + From this time, and since my marriage, which had occurred at this period, + I have belonged to the staff of McGill University, first as lecturer in + Political Science, and later as head of the department of Economics and + Political Science. As this position is one of the prizes of my profession, + I am able to regard myself as singularly fortunate. The emolument is so + high as to place me distinctly above the policemen, postmen, street-car + conductors, and other salaried officials of the neighbourhood, while I am + able to mix with the poorer of the business men of the city on terms of + something like equality. In point of leisure, I enjoy more in the four + corners of a single year than a business man knows in his whole life. I + thus have what the business man can never enjoy, an ability to think, and, + what is still better, to stop thinking altogether for months at a time. + </p> + <p> + I have written a number of things in connection with my college life—a + book on Political Science, and many essays, magazine articles, and so on. + I belong to the Political Science Association of America, to the Royal + Colonial Institute, and to the Church of England. These things, surely, + are a proof of respectability. I have had some small connection with + politics and public life. A few years ago I went all round the British + Empire delivering addresses on Imperial organization. When I state that + these lectures were followed almost immediately by the Union of South + Africa, the Banana Riots in Trinidad, and the Turco-Italian war, I think + the reader can form some idea of their importance. In Canada I belong to + the Conservative party, but as yet I have failed entirely in Canadian + politics, never having received a contract to build a bridge, or make a + wharf, nor to construct even the smallest section of the Transcontinental + Railway. This, however, is a form of national ingratitude to which one + becomes accustomed in this Dominion. + </p> + <p> + Apart from my college work, I have written two books, one called "Literary + Lapses" and the other "Nonsense Novels." Each of these is published by + John Lane (London and New York), and either of them can be obtained, + absurd though it sounds, for the mere sum of three shillings and sixpence. + Any reader of this preface, for example, ridiculous though it appears, + could walk into a bookstore and buy both of these books for seven + shillings. Yet these works are of so humorous a character that for many + years it was found impossible to print them. The compositors fell back + from their task suffocated with laughter and gasping for air. Nothing but + the intervention of the linotype machine—or rather, of the kind of + men who operate it—made it possible to print these books. Even now + people have to be very careful in circulating them, and the books should + never be put into the hands of persons not in robust health. + </p> + <p> + Many of my friends are under the impression that I write these humorous + nothings in idle moments when the wearied brain is unable to perform the + serious labours of the economist. My own experience is exactly the other + way. The writing of solid, instructive stuff fortified by facts and + figures is easy enough. There is no trouble in writing a scientific + treatise on the folk-lore of Central China, or a statistical enquiry into + the declining population of Prince Edward Island. But to write something + out of one's own mind, worth reading for its own sake, is an arduous + contrivance only to be achieved in fortunate moments, few and far between. + Personally, I would sooner have written "Alice in Wonderland" than the + whole Encyclopaedia Britannica. + </p> + <p> + In regard to the present work I must disclaim at once all intentions of + trying to do anything so ridiculously easy as writing about a real place + and real people. Mariposa is not a real town. On the contrary, it is about + seventy or eighty of them. You may find them all the way from Lake + Superior to the sea, with the same square streets and the same maple trees + and the same churches and hotels, and everywhere the sunshine of the land + of hope. + </p> + <p> + Similarly, the Reverend Mr. Drone is not one person but about eight or + ten. To make him I clapped the gaiters of one ecclesiastic round the legs + of another, added the sermons of a third and the character of a fourth, + and so let him start on his way in the book to pick up such individual + attributes as he might find for himself. Mullins and Bagshaw and Judge + Pepperleigh and the rest are, it is true, personal friends of mine. But I + have known them in such a variety of forms, with such alternations of tall + and short, dark and fair, that, individually, I should have much ado to + know them. Mr. Pupkin is found whenever a Canadian bank opens a branch in + a county town and needs a teller. As for Mr. Smith, with his two hundred + and eighty pounds, his hoarse voice, his loud check suit, his diamonds, + the roughness of his address and the goodness of his heart,—all of + this is known by everybody to be a necessary and universal adjunct of the + hotel business. + </p> + <p> + The inspiration of the book,—a land of hope and sunshine where + little towns spread their square streets and their trim maple trees beside + placid lakes almost within echo of the primeval forest,—is large + enough. If it fails in its portrayal of the scenes and the country that it + depicts the fault lies rather with an art that is deficient than in an + affection that is wanting. + </p> + <p> + Stephen Leacock. McGill University, June, 1912. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + ONE. The Hostelry of Mr. Smith + </h2> + <p> + I don't know whether you know Mariposa. If not, it is of no consequence, + for if you know Canada at all, you are probably well acquainted with a + dozen towns just like it. + </p> + <p> + There it lies in the sunlight, sloping up from the little lake that + spreads out at the foot of the hillside on which the town is built. There + is a wharf beside the lake, and lying alongside of it a steamer that is + tied to the wharf with two ropes of about the same size as they use on the + Lusitania. The steamer goes nowhere in particular, for the lake is + landlocked and there is no navigation for the Mariposa Belle except to + "run trips" on the first of July and the Queen's Birthday, and to take + excursions of the Knights of Pythias and the Sons of Temperance to and + from the Local Option Townships. + </p> + <p> + In point of geography the lake is called Lake Wissanotti and the river + running out of it the Ossawippi, just as the main street of Mariposa is + called Missinaba Street and the county Missinaba County. But these names + do not really matter. Nobody uses them. People simply speak of the "lake" + and the "river" and the "main street," much in the same way as they always + call the Continental Hotel, "Pete Robinson's" and the Pharmaceutical Hall, + "Eliot's Drug Store." But I suppose this is just the same in every one + else's town as in mine, so I need lay no stress on it. + </p> + <p> + The town, I say, has one broad street that runs up from the lake, commonly + called the Main Street. There is no doubt about its width. When Mariposa + was laid out there was none of that shortsightedness which is seen in the + cramped dimensions of Wall Street and Piccadilly. Missinaba Street is so + wide that if you were to roll Jeff Thorpe's barber shop over on its face + it wouldn't reach half way across. Up and down the Main Street are + telegraph poles of cedar of colossal thickness, standing at a variety of + angles and carrying rather more wires than are commonly seen at a + transatlantic cable station. + </p> + <p> + On the Main Street itself are a number of buildings of extraordinary + importance,—Smith's Hotel and the Continental and the Mariposa + House, and the two banks (the Commercial and the Exchange), to say nothing + of McCarthy's Block (erected in 1878), and Glover's Hardware Store with + the Oddfellows' Hall above it. Then on the "cross" street that intersects + Missinaba Street at the main corner there is the Post Office and the Fire + Hall and the Young Men's Christian Association and the office of the + Mariposa Newspacket,—in fact, to the eye of discernment a perfect + jostle of public institutions comparable only to Threadneedle Street or + Lower Broadway. On all the side streets there are maple trees and broad + sidewalks, trim gardens with upright calla lilies, houses with verandahs, + which are here and there being replaced by residences with piazzas. + </p> + <p> + To the careless eye the scene on the Main Street of a summer afternoon is + one of deep and unbroken peace. The empty street sleeps in the sunshine. + There is a horse and buggy tied to the hitching post in front of Glover's + hardware store. There is, usually and commonly, the burly figure of Mr. + Smith, proprietor of Smith's Hotel, standing in his chequered waistcoat on + the steps of his hostelry, and perhaps, further up the street, Lawyer + Macartney going for his afternoon mail, or the Rev. Mr. Drone, the Rural + Dean of the Church of England Church, going home to get his fishing rod + after a mothers' auxiliary meeting. + </p> + <p> + But this quiet is mere appearance. In reality, and to those who know it, + the place is a perfect hive of activity. Why, at Netley's butcher shop + (established in 1882) there are no less than four men working on the + sausage machines in the basement; at the Newspacket office there are as + many more job-printing; there is a long distance telephone with four + distracting girls on high stools wearing steel caps and talking + incessantly; in the offices in McCarthy's block are dentists and lawyers + with their coats off, ready to work at any moment; and from the big + planing factory down beside the lake where the railroad siding is, you may + hear all through the hours of the summer afternoon the long-drawn music of + the running saw. + </p> + <p> + Busy—well, I should think so! Ask any of its inhabitants if Mariposa + isn't a busy, hustling, thriving town. Ask Mullins, the manager of the + Exchange Bank, who comes hustling over to his office from the Mariposa + House every day at 10.30 and has scarcely time all morning to go out and + take a drink with the manager of the Commercial; or ask—well, for + the matter of that, ask any of them if they ever knew a more rushing + go-a-head town than Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + Of course if you come to the place fresh from New York, you are deceived. + Your standard of vision is all astray, You do think the place is quiet. + You do imagine that Mr. Smith is asleep merely because he closes his eyes + as he stands. But live in Mariposa for six months or a year and then you + will begin to understand it better; the buildings get higher and higher; + the Mariposa House grows more and more luxurious; McCarthy's block towers + to the sky; the 'buses roar and hum to the station; the trains shriek; the + traffic multiplies; the people move faster and faster; a dense crowd + swirls to and fro in the post-office and the five and ten cent store—and + amusements! well, now! lacrosse, baseball, excursions, dances, the + Fireman's Ball every winter and the Catholic picnic every summer; and + music—the town band in the park every Wednesday evening, and the + Oddfellows' brass band on the street every other Friday; the Mariposa + Quartette, the Salvation Army—why, after a few months' residence you + begin to realize that the place is a mere mad round of gaiety. + </p> + <p> + In point of population, if one must come down to figures, the Canadian + census puts the numbers every time at something round five thousand. But + it is very generally understood in Mariposa that the census is largely the + outcome of malicious jealousy. It is usual that after the census the + editor of the Mariposa Newspacket makes a careful reestimate (based on the + data of relative non-payment of subscriptions), and brings the population + up to 6,000. After that the Mariposa Times-Herald makes an estimate that + runs the figures up to 6,500. Then Mr. Gingham, the undertaker, who + collects the vital statistics for the provincial government, makes an + estimate from the number of what he calls the "demised" as compared with + the less interesting persons who are still alive, and brings the + population to 7,000. After that somebody else works it out that it's + 7,500; then the man behind the bar of the Mariposa House offers to bet the + whole room that there are 9,000 people in Mariposa. That settles it, and + the population is well on the way to 10,000, when down swoops the federal + census taker on his next round and the town has to begin all over again. + </p> + <p> + Still, it is a thriving town and there is no doubt of it. Even the + transcontinental railways, as any townsman will tell you, run through + Mariposa. It is true that the trains mostly go through at night and don't + stop. But in the wakeful silence of the summer night you may hear the long + whistle of the through train for the west as it tears through Mariposa, + rattling over the switches and past the semaphores and ending in a long, + sullen roar as it takes the trestle bridge over the Ossawippi. Or, better + still, on a winter evening about eight o'clock you will see the long row + of the Pullmans and diners of the night express going north to the mining + country, the windows flashing with brilliant light, and within them a + vista of cut glass and snow-white table linen, smiling negroes and + millionaires with napkins at their chins whirling past in the driving + snowstorm. + </p> + <p> + I can tell you the people of Mariposa are proud of the trains, even if + they don't stop! The joy of being on the main line lifts the Mariposa + people above the level of their neighbours in such places as Tecumseh and + Nichols Corners into the cosmopolitan atmosphere of through traffic and + the larger life. Of course, they have their own train, too—the + Mariposa Local, made up right there in the station yard, and running south + to the city a hundred miles away. That, of course, is a real train, with a + box stove on end in the passenger car, fed with cordwood upside down, and + with seventeen flat cars of pine lumber set between the passenger car and + the locomotive so as to give the train its full impact when shunting. + </p> + <p> + Outside of Mariposa there are farms that begin well but get thinner and + meaner as you go on, and end sooner or later in bush and swamp and the + rock of the north country. And beyond that again, as the background of it + all, though it's far away, you are somehow aware of the great pine woods + of the lumber country reaching endlessly into the north. + </p> + <p> + Not that the little town is always gay or always bright in the sunshine. + There never was such a place for changing its character with the season. + Dark enough and dull it seems of a winter night, the wooden sidewalks + creaking with the frost, and the lights burning dim behind the shop + windows. In olden times the lights were coal oil lamps; now, of course, + they are, or are supposed to be, electricity, brought from the power house + on the lower Ossawippi nineteen miles away. But, somehow, though it starts + off as electricity from the Ossawippi rapids, by the time it gets to + Mariposa and filters into the little bulbs behind the frosty windows of + the shops, it has turned into coal oil again, as yellow and bleared as + ever. + </p> + <p> + After the winter, the snow melts and the ice goes out of the lake, the sun + shines high and the shanty-men come down from the lumber woods and lie + round drunk on the sidewalk outside of Smith's Hotel—and that's + spring time. Mariposa is then a fierce, dangerous lumber town, calculated + to terrorize the soul of a newcomer who does not understand that this also + is only an appearance and that presently the rough-looking shanty-men will + change their clothes and turn back again into farmers. + </p> + <p> + Then the sun shines warmer and the maple trees come out and Lawyer + Macartney puts on his tennis trousers, and that's summer time. The little + town changes to a sort of summer resort. There are visitors up from the + city. Every one of the seven cottages along the lake is full. The Mariposa + Belle churns the waters of the Wissanotti into foam as she sails out from + the wharf, in a cloud of flags, the band playing and the daughters and + sisters of the Knights of Pythias dancing gaily on the deck. + </p> + <p> + That changes too. The days shorten. The visitors disappear. The golden rod + beside the meadow droops and withers on its stem. The maples blaze in + glory and die. The evening closes dark and chill, and in the gloom of the + main corner of Mariposa the Salvation Army around a naphtha lamp lift up + the confession of their sins—and that is autumn. Thus the year runs + its round, moving and changing in Mariposa, much as it does in other + places. + </p> + <p> + If, then, you feel that you know the town well enough to be admitted into + the inner life and movement of it, walk down this June afternoon half way + down the Main Street—or, if you like, half way up from the wharf—to + where Mr. Smith is standing at the door of his hostelry. You will feel as + you draw near that it is no ordinary man that you approach. It is not + alone the huge bulk of Mr. Smith (two hundred and eighty pounds as tested + on Netley's scales). It is not merely his costume, though the chequered + waistcoat of dark blue with a flowered pattern forms, with his shepherd's + plaid trousers, his grey spats and patent-leather boots, a colour scheme + of no mean order. Nor is it merely Mr. Smith's finely mottled face. The + face, no doubt, is a notable one,—solemn, inexpressible, unreadable, + the face of the heaven-born hotel keeper. It is more than that. It is the + strange dominating personality of the man that somehow holds you captive. + I know nothing in history to compare with the position of Mr. Smith among + those who drink over his bar, except, though in a lesser degree, the + relation of the Emperor Napoleon to the Imperial Guard. + </p> + <p> + When you meet Mr. Smith first you think he looks like an over-dressed + pirate. Then you begin to think him a character. You wonder at his + enormous bulk. Then the utter hopelessness of knowing what Smith is + thinking by merely looking at his features gets on your mind and makes the + Mona Lisa seem an open book and the ordinary human countenance as + superficial as a puddle in the sunlight. After you have had a drink in Mr. + Smith's bar, and he has called you by your Christian name, you realize + that you are dealing with one of the greatest minds in the hotel business. + </p> + <p> + Take, for instance, the big sign that sticks out into the street above Mr. + Smith's head as he stands. What is on it? "JOS. SMITH, PROP." Nothing + more, and yet the thing was a flash of genius. Other men who had had the + hotel before Mr. Smith had called it by such feeble names as the Royal + Hotel and the Queen's and the Alexandria. Every one of them failed. When + Mr. Smith took over the hotel he simply put up the sign with "JOS. SMITH, + PROP.," and then stood underneath in the sunshine as a living proof that a + man who weighs nearly three hundred pounds is the natural king of the + hotel business. + </p> + <p> + But on this particular afternoon, in spite of the sunshine and deep peace, + there was something as near to profound concern and anxiety as the + features of Mr. Smith were ever known to express. + </p> + <p> + The moment was indeed an anxious one. Mr. Smith was awaiting a telegram + from his legal adviser who had that day journeyed to the county town to + represent the proprietor's interest before the assembled License + Commissioners. If you know anything of the hotel business at all, you will + understand that as beside the decisions of the License Commissioners of + Missinaba County, the opinions of the Lords of the Privy Council are mere + trifles. + </p> + <p> + The matter in question was very grave. The Mariposa Court had just fined + Mr. Smith for the second time for selling liquors after hours. The + Commissioners, therefore, were entitled to cancel the license. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith knew his fault and acknowledged it. He had broken the law. How + he had come to do so, it passed his imagination to recall. Crime always + seems impossible in retrospect. By what sheer madness of the moment could + he have shut up the bar on the night in question, and shut Judge + Pepperleigh, the district judge in Missinaba County, outside of it? The + more so inasmuch as the closing up of the bar under the rigid license law + of the province was a matter that the proprietor never trusted to any + hands but his own. Punctually every night at 11 o'clock Mr. Smith strolled + from the desk of the "rotunda" to the door of the bar. If it seemed + properly full of people and all was bright and cheerful, then he closed + it. If not, he kept it open a few minutes longer till he had enough people + inside to warrant closing. But never, never unless he was assured that + Pepperleigh, the judge of the court, and Macartney, the prosecuting + attorney, were both safely in the bar, or the bar parlour, did the + proprietor venture to close up. Yet on this fatal night Pepperleigh and + Macartney had been shut out—actually left on the street without a + drink, and compelled to hammer and beat at the street door of the bar to + gain admittance. + </p> + <p> + This was the kind of thing not to be tolerated. Either a hotel must be run + decently or quit. An information was laid next day and Mr. Smith convicted + in four minutes,—his lawyers practically refusing to plead. The + Mariposa court, when the presiding judge was cold sober, and it had the + force of public opinion behind it, was a terrible engine of retributive + justice. + </p> + <p> + So no wonder that Mr. Smith awaited with anxiety the message of his legal + adviser. + </p> + <p> + He looked alternately up the street and down it again, hauled out his + watch from the depths of his embroidered pocket, and examined the hour + hand and the minute hand and the second hand with frowning scrutiny. + </p> + <p> + Then wearily, and as one mindful that a hotel man is ever the servant of + the public, he turned back into the hotel. + </p> + <p> + "Billy," he said to the desk clerk, "if a wire comes bring it into the bar + parlour." + </p> + <p> + The voice of Mr. Smith is of a deep guttural such as Plancon or Edouard de + Reske might have obtained had they had the advantages of the hotel + business. And with that, Mr. Smith, as was his custom in off moments, + joined his guests in the back room. His appearance, to the untrained eye, + was merely that of an extremely stout hotelkeeper walking from the rotunda + to the back bar. In reality, Mr. Smith was on the eve of one of the most + brilliant and daring strokes ever effected in the history of licensed + liquor. When I say that it was out of the agitation of this situation that + Smith's Ladies' and Gent's Cafe originated, anybody who knows Mariposa + will understand the magnitude of the moment. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith, then, moved slowly from the doorway of the hotel through the + "rotunda," or more simply the front room with the desk and the cigar case + in it, and so to the bar and thence to the little room or back bar behind + it. In this room, as I have said, the brightest minds of Mariposa might + commonly be found in the quieter part of a summer afternoon. + </p> + <p> + To-day there was a group of four who looked up as Mr. Smith entered, + somewhat sympathetically, and evidently aware of the perplexities of the + moment. + </p> + <p> + Henry Mullins and George Duff, the two bank managers, were both present. + Mullins is a rather short, rather round, smooth-shaven man of less than + forty, wearing one of those round banking suits of pepper and salt, with a + round banking hat of hard straw, and with the kind of gold tie-pin and + heavy watch-chain and seals necessary to inspire confidence in matters of + foreign exchange. Duff is just as round and just as short, and equally + smoothly shaven, while his seals and straw hat are calculated to prove + that the Commercial is just as sound a bank as the Exchange. From the + technical point of view of the banking business, neither of them had any + objection to being in Smith's Hotel or to taking a drink as long as the + other was present. This, of course, was one of the cardinal principles of + Mariposa banking. + </p> + <p> + Then there was Mr. Diston, the high school teacher, commonly known as the + "one who drank." None of the other teachers ever entered a hotel unless + accompanied by a lady or protected by a child. But as Mr. Diston was known + to drink beer on occasions and to go in and out of the Mariposa House and + Smith's Hotel, he was looked upon as a man whose life was a mere wreck. + Whenever the School Board raised the salaries of the other teachers, fifty + or sixty dollars per annum at one lift, it was well understood that public + morality wouldn't permit of an increase for Mr. Diston. + </p> + <p> + Still more noticeable, perhaps, was the quiet, sallow looking man dressed + in black, with black gloves and with black silk hat heavily craped and + placed hollow-side-up on a chair. This was Mr. Golgotha Gingham, the + undertaker of Mariposa, and his dress was due to the fact that he had just + come from what he called an "interment." Mr. Gingham had the true spirit + of his profession, and such words as "funeral" or "coffin" or "hearse" + never passed his lips. He spoke always of "interments," of "caskets," and + "coaches," using terms that were calculated rather to bring out the + majesty and sublimity of death than to parade its horrors. + </p> + <p> + To be present at the hotel was in accord with Mr. Gingham's general + conception of his business. No man had ever grasped the true principles of + undertaking more thoroughly than Mr. Gingham. I have often heard him + explain that to associate with the living, uninteresting though they + appear, is the only way to secure the custom of the dead. + </p> + <p> + "Get to know people really well while they are alive," said Mr. Gingham; + "be friends with them, close friends and then when they die you don't need + to worry. You'll get the order every time." + </p> + <p> + So, naturally, as the moment was one of sympathy, it was Mr. Gingham who + spoke first. + </p> + <p> + "What'll you do, Josh," he said, "if the Commissioners go against you?" + </p> + <p> + "Boys," said Mr. Smith, "I don't rightly know. If I have to quit, the next + move is to the city. But I don't reckon that I will have to quit. I've got + an idee that I think's good every time." + </p> + <p> + "Could you run a hotel in the city?" asked Mullins. + </p> + <p> + "I could," said Mr. Smith. "I'll tell you. There's big things doin' in the + hotel business right now, big chances if you go into it right. Hotels in + the city is branching out. Why, you take the dining-room side of it," + continued Mr. Smith, looking round at the group, "there's thousands in it. + The old plan's all gone. Folks won't eat now in an ordinary dining-room + with a high ceiling and windows. You have to get 'em down underground in a + room with no windows and lots of sawdust round and waiters that can't + speak English. I seen them places last time I was in the city. They call + 'em Rats' Coolers. And for light meals they want a Caff, a real French + Caff, and for folks that come in late another place that they call a Girl + Room that don't shut up at all. If I go to the city that's the kind of + place I mean to run. What's yours, Gol? It's on the house?" + </p> + <p> + And it was just at the moment when Mr. Smith said this that Billy, the + desk-clerk, entered the room with the telegram in his hand. + </p> + <p> + But stop—it is impossible for you to understand the anxiety with + which Mr. Smith and his associates awaited the news from the + Commissioners, without first realizing the astounding progress of Mr. + Smith in the three past years, and the pinnacle of public eminence to + which he had attained. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith had come down from the lumber country of the Spanish River, + where the divide is toward the Hudson Bay,—"back north" as they + called it in Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + He had been, it was said, a cook in the lumber shanties. To this day Mr. + Smith can fry an egg on both sides with a lightness of touch that is the + despair of his own "help." + </p> + <p> + After that, he had run a river driver's boarding-house. + </p> + <p> + After that, he had taken a food contract for a gang of railroad navvies on + the transcontinental. + </p> + <p> + After that, of course, the whole world was open to him. + </p> + <p> + He came down to Mariposa and bought out the "inside" of what had been the + Royal Hotel. + </p> + <p> + Those who are educated understand that by the "inside" of a hotel is meant + everything except the four outer walls of it—the fittings, the + furniture, the bar, Billy the desk-clerk, the three dining-room girls, and + above all the license granted by King Edward VII., and ratified further by + King George, for the sale of intoxicating liquors. + </p> + <p> + Till then the Royal had been a mere nothing. As "Smith's Hotel" it broke + into a blaze of effulgence. + </p> + <p> + From the first, Mr. Smith, as a proprietor, was a wild, rapturous success. + </p> + <p> + He had all the qualifications. + </p> + <p> + He weighed two hundred and eighty pounds. + </p> + <p> + He could haul two drunken men out of the bar each by the scruff of the + neck without the faintest anger or excitement. + </p> + <p> + He carried money enough in his trousers pockets to start a bank, and spent + it on anything, bet it on anything, and gave it away in handfuls. + </p> + <p> + He was never drunk, and, as a point of chivalry to his customers, never + quite sober. Anybody was free of the hotel who cared to come in. Anybody + who didn't like it could go out. Drinks of all kinds cost five cents, or + six for a quarter. Meals and beds were practically free. Any persons + foolish enough to go to the desk and pay for them, Mr. Smith charged + according to the expression of their faces. + </p> + <p> + At first the loafers and the shanty men settled down on the place in a + shower. But that was not the "trade" that Mr. Smith wanted. He knew how to + get rid of them. An army of charwomen, turned into the hotel, scrubbed it + from top to bottom. A vacuum cleaner, the first seen in Mariposa, hissed + and screamed in the corridors. Forty brass beds were imported from the + city, not, of course, for the guests to sleep in, but to keep them out. A + bar-tender with a starched coat and wicker sleeves was put behind the bar. + </p> + <p> + The loafers were put out of business. The place had become too "high + toned" for them. + </p> + <p> + To get the high class trade, Mr. Smith set himself to dress the part. He + wore wide cut coats of filmy serge, light as gossamer; chequered + waistcoats with a pattern for every day in the week; fedora hats light as + autumn leaves; four-in-hand ties of saffron and myrtle green with a + diamond pin the size of a hazel nut. On his fingers there were as many + gems as would grace a native prince of India; across his waistcoat lay a + gold watch-chain in huge square links and in his pocket a gold watch that + weighed a pound and a half and marked minutes, seconds and quarter + seconds. Just to look at Josh Smith's watch brought at least ten men to + the bar every evening. + </p> + <p> + Every morning Mr. Smith was shaved by Jefferson Thorpe, across the way. + All that art could do, all that Florida water could effect, was lavished + on his person. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith became a local character. Mariposa was at his feet. All the + reputable business-men drank at Mr. Smith's bar, and in the little parlour + behind it you might find at any time a group of the brightest intellects + in the town. + </p> + <p> + Not but what there was opposition at first. The clergy, for example, who + accepted the Mariposa House and the Continental as a necessary and useful + evil, looked askance at the blazing lights and the surging crowd of Mr. + Smith's saloon. They preached against him. When the Rev. Dean Drone led + off with a sermon on the text "Lord be merciful even unto this publican + Matthew Six," it was generally understood as an invitation to strike Mr. + Smith dead. In the same way the sermon at the Presbyterian church the week + after was on the text "Lo what now doeth Abiram in the land of + Melchisideck Kings Eight and Nine?" and it was perfectly plain that what + was meant was, "Lo, what is Josh Smith doing in Mariposa?" + </p> + <p> + But this opposition had been countered by a wide and sagacious + philanthropy. I think Mr. Smith first got the idea of that on the night + when the steam merry-go-round came to Mariposa. Just below the hostelry, + on an empty lot, it whirled and whistled, steaming forth its tunes on the + summer evening while the children crowded round it in hundreds. Down the + street strolled Mr. Smith, wearing a soft fedora to indicate that it was + evening. + </p> + <p> + "What d'you charge for a ride, boss?" said Mr. Smith. + </p> + <p> + "Two for a nickel," said the man. + </p> + <p> + "Take that," said Mr. Smith, handing out a ten-dollar bill from a roll of + money, "and ride the little folks free all evening." + </p> + <p> + That night the merry-go-round whirled madly till after midnight, freighted + to capacity with Mariposa children, while up in Smith's Hotel, parents, + friends and admirers, as the news spread, were standing four deep along + the bar. They sold forty dollars' worth of lager alone that night, and Mr. + Smith learned, if he had not already suspected it, the blessedness of + giving. + </p> + <p> + The uses of philanthropy went further. Mr. Smith subscribed to everything, + joined everything, gave to everything. He became an Oddfellow, a Forester, + A Knight of Pythias and a Workman. He gave a hundred dollars to the + Mariposa Hospital and a hundred dollars to the Young Men's Christian + Association. + </p> + <p> + He subscribed to the Ball Club, the Lacrosse Club, the Curling Club, to + anything, in fact, and especially to all those things which needed + premises to meet in and grew thirsty in their discussions. + </p> + <p> + As a consequence the Oddfellows held their annual banquet at Smith's Hotel + and the Oyster Supper of the Knights of Pythias was celebrated in Mr. + Smith's dining-room. + </p> + <p> + Even more effective, perhaps, were Mr. Smith's secret benefactions, the + kind of giving done by stealth of which not a soul in town knew anything, + often, for a week after it was done. It was in this way that Mr. Smith put + the new font in Dean Drone's church, and handed over a hundred dollars to + Judge Pepperleigh for the unrestrained use of the Conservative party. + </p> + <p> + So it came about that, little by little, the antagonism had died down. + Smith's Hotel became an accepted institution in Mariposa. Even the + temperance people were proud of Mr. Smith as a sort of character who added + distinction to the town. There were moments, in the earlier quiet of the + morning, when Dean Drone would go so far as to step in to the "rotunda" + and collect a subscription. As for the Salvation Army, they ran in and out + all the time unreproved. + </p> + <p> + On only one point difficulty still remained. That was the closing of the + bar. Mr. Smith could never bring his mind to it,—not as a matter of + profit, but as a point of honour. It was too much for him to feel that + Judge Pepperleigh might be out on the sidewalk thirsty at midnight, that + the night hands of the Times-Herald on Wednesday might be compelled to go + home dry. On this point Mr. Smith's moral code was simplicity itself,—do + what is right and take the consequences. So the bar stayed open. + </p> + <p> + Every town, I suppose, has its meaner spirits. In every genial bosom some + snake is warmed,—or, as Mr. Smith put it to Golgotha Gingham—"there + are some fellers even in this town skunks enough to inform." + </p> + <p> + At first the Mariposa court quashed all indictments. The presiding judge, + with his spectacles on and a pile of books in front of him, threatened the + informer with the penitentiary. The whole bar of Mariposa was with Mr. + Smith. But by sheer iteration the informations had proved successful. + Judge Pepperleigh learned that Mr. Smith had subscribed a hundred dollars + for the Liberal party and at once fined him for keeping open after hours. + That made one conviction. On the top of this had come the untoward + incident just mentioned and that made two. Beyond that was the deluge. + This then was the exact situation when Billy, the desk clerk, entered the + back bar with the telegram in his hand. + </p> + <p> + "Here's your wire, sir," he said. + </p> + <p> + "What does it say?" said Mr. Smith. + </p> + <p> + He always dealt with written documents with a fine air of detachment. I + don't suppose there were ten people in Mariposa who knew that Mr. Smith + couldn't read. + </p> + <p> + Billy opened the message and read, "Commissioners give you three months to + close down." + </p> + <p> + "Let me read it," said Mr. Smith, "that's right, three months to close + down." + </p> + <p> + There was dead silence when the message was read. Everybody waited for Mr. + Smith to speak. Mr. Gingham instinctively assumed the professional air of + hopeless melancholy. + </p> + <p> + As it was afterwards recorded, Mr. Smith stood and "studied" with the tray + in his hand for at least four minutes. Then he spoke. + </p> + <p> + "Boys," he said, "I'll be darned if I close down till I'm ready to close + down. I've got an idee. You wait and I'll show you." + </p> + <p> + And beyond that, not another word did Mr. Smith say on the subject. + </p> + <p> + But within forty-eight hours the whole town knew that something was doing. + The hotel swarmed with carpenters, bricklayers and painters. There was an + architect up from the city with a bundle of blue prints in his hand. There + was an engineer taking the street level with a theodolite, and a gang of + navvies with shovels digging like fury as if to dig out the back + foundations of the hotel. + </p> + <p> + "That'll fool 'em," said Mr. Smith. + </p> + <p> + Half the town was gathered round the hotel crazy with excitement. But not + a word would the proprietor say. Great dray loads of square timber, and + two-by-eight pine joists kept arriving from the planing mill. There was a + pile of matched spruce sixteen feet high lying by the sidewalk. + </p> + <p> + Then the excavation deepened and the dirt flew, and the beams went up and + the joists across, and all the day from dawn till dusk the hammers of the + carpenters clattered away, working overtime at time and a half. + </p> + <p> + "It don't matter what it costs," said Mr. Smith; "get it done." + </p> + <p> + Rapidly the structure took form. It extended down the side street, joining + the hotel at a right angle. Spacious and graceful it looked as it reared + its uprights into the air. + </p> + <p> + Already you could see the place where the row of windows was to come, a + veritable palace of glass, it must be, so wide and commodious were they. + Below it, you could see the basement shaping itself, with a low ceiling + like a vault and big beams running across, dressed, smoothed, and ready + for staining. Already in the street there were seven crates of red and + white awning. + </p> + <p> + And even then nobody knew what it was, and it was not till the seventeenth + day that Mr. Smith, in the privacy of the back bar, broke the silence and + explained. + </p> + <p> + "I tell you, boys," he says, "it's a caff—like what they have in the + city—a ladies' and gent's caff, and that underneath (what's yours, + Mr. Mullins?) is a Rats' Cooler. And when I get her started, I'll hire a + French Chief to do the cooking, and for the winter I will put in a 'girl + room,' like what they have in the city hotels. And I'd like to see who's + going to close her up then." + </p> + <p> + Within two more weeks the plan was in operation. Not only was the caff + built but the very hotel was transformed. Awnings had broken out in a red + and white cloud upon its face, its every window carried a box of hanging + plants, and above in glory floated the Union Jack. The very stationery was + changed. The place was now Smith's Summer Pavilion. It was advertised in + the city as Smith's Tourists' Emporium, and Smith's Northern Health + Resort. Mr. Smith got the editor of the Times-Herald to write up a + circular all about ozone and the Mariposa pine woods, with illustrations + of the maskinonge (piscis mariposis) of Lake Wissanotti. + </p> + <p> + The Saturday after that circular hit the city in July, there were men with + fishing rods and landing nets pouring in on every train, almost too fast + to register. And if, in the face of that, a few little drops of whiskey + were sold over the bar, who thought of it? + </p> + <p> + But the caff! that, of course, was the crowning glory of the thing, that + and the Rats' Cooler below. + </p> + <p> + Light and cool, with swinging windows open to the air, tables with marble + tops, palms, waiters in white coats—it was the standing marvel of + Mariposa. Not a soul in the town except Mr. Smith, who knew it by + instinct, ever guessed that waiters and palms and marble tables can be + rented over the long distance telephone. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith was as good as his word. He got a French Chief with an + aristocratic saturnine countenance, and a moustache and imperial that + recalled the late Napoleon III. No one knew where Mr. Smith got him. Some + people in the town said he was a French marquis. Others said he was a + count and explained the difference. + </p> + <p> + No one in Mariposa had ever seen anything like the caff. All down the side + of it were the grill fires, with great pewter dish covers that went up and + down on a chain, and you could walk along the row and actually pick out + your own cutlet and then see the French marquis throw it on to the + broiling iron; you could watch a buckwheat pancake whirled into existence + under your eyes and see fowls' legs devilled, peppered, grilled, and + tormented till they lost all semblance of the original Mariposa chicken. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith, of course, was in his glory. + </p> + <p> + "What have you got to-day, Alf?" he would say, as he strolled over to the + marquis. The name of the Chief was, I believe Alphonse, but "Alf" was near + enough for Mr. Smith. + </p> + <p> + The marquis would extend to the proprietor the menu, "Voila, m'sieu, la + carte du jour." + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith, by the way, encouraged the use of the French language in the + caff. He viewed it, of course, solely in its relation to the hotel + business, and, I think, regarded it as a recent invention. + </p> + <p> + "It's comin' in all the time in the city," he said, "and y'aint expected + to understand it." + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith would take the carte between his finger and thumb and stare at + it. It was all covered with such devices as Potage la Mariposa—Filet + Mignon a la proprietaire—Cotellete a la Smith, and so on. + </p> + <p> + But the greatest thing about the caff were the prices. Therein lay, as + everybody saw at once, the hopeless simplicity of Mr. Smith. + </p> + <p> + The prices stood fast at 25 cents a meal. You could come in and eat all + they had in the caff for a quarter. + </p> + <p> + "No, sir," Mr. Smith said stoutly, "I ain't going to try to raise no + prices on the public. The hotel's always been a quarter and the caff's a + quarter." + </p> + <p> + Full? Full of people? + </p> + <p> + Well, I should think so! From the time the caff opened at 11 till it + closed at 8.30, you could hardly find a table. Tourists, visitors, + travellers, and half the people of Mariposa crowded at the little tables; + crockery rattling, glasses tinkling on trays, corks popping, the waiters + in their white coats flying to and fro, Alphonse whirling the cutlets and + pancakes into the air, and in and through it all, Mr. Smith, in a white + flannel suit and a broad crimson sash about his waist. Crowded and gay + from morning to night, and even noisy in its hilarity. + </p> + <p> + Noisy, yes; but if you wanted deep quiet and cool, if you wanted to step + from the glare of a Canadian August to the deep shadow of an enchanted + glade,—walk down below into the Rats' Cooler. There you had it; dark + old beams (who could believe they were put there a month ago?), great + casks set on end with legends such as Amontillado Fino done in gilt on a + black ground, tall steins filled with German beer soft as moss, and a + German waiter noiseless as moving foam. He who entered the Rats' Cooler at + three of a summer afternoon was buried there for the day. Mr. Golgotha + Gingham spent anything from four to seven hours there of every day. In his + mind the place had all the quiet charm of an interment, with none of its + sorrows. + </p> + <p> + But at night, when Mr. Smith and Billy, the desk clerk, opened up the cash + register and figured out the combined losses of the caff and the Rats' + Cooler, Mr. Smith would say: + </p> + <p> + "Billy, just wait till I get the license renood, and I'll close up this + damn caff so tight they'll never know what hit her. What did that lamb + cost? Fifty cents a pound, was it? I figure it, Billy, that every one of + them hogs eats about a dollar's worth a grub for every twenty-five cents + they pay on it. As for Alf—by gosh, I'm through with him." + </p> + <p> + But that, of course, was only a confidential matter as between Mr. Smith + and Billy. + </p> + <p> + I don't know at what precise period it was that the idea of a petition to + the License Commissioners first got about the town. No one seemed to know + just who suggested it. But certain it was that public opinion began to + swing strongly towards the support of Mr. Smith. I think it was perhaps on + the day after the big fish dinner that Alphonse cooked for the Mariposa + Canoe Club (at twenty cents a head) that the feeling began to find open + expression. People said it was a shame that a man like Josh Smith should + be run out of Mariposa by three license commissioners. Who were the + license commissioners, anyway? Why, look at the license system they had in + Sweden; yes, and in Finland and in South America. Or, for the matter of + that, look at the French and Italians, who drink all day and all night. + Aren't they all right? Aren't they a musical people? Take Napoleon, and + Victor Hugo; drunk half the time, and yet look what they did. + </p> + <p> + I quote these arguments not for their own sake, but merely to indicate the + changing temper of public opinion in Mariposa. Men would sit in the caff + at lunch perhaps for an hour and a half and talk about the license + question in general, and then go down into the Rats' Cooler and talk about + it for two hours more. + </p> + <p> + It was amazing the way the light broke in in the case of particular + individuals, often the most unlikely, and quelled their opposition. + </p> + <p> + Take, for example, the editor of the Newspacket. I suppose there wasn't a + greater temperance advocate in town. Yet Alphonse queered him with an + Omelette a la License in one meal. + </p> + <p> + Or take Pepperleigh himself, the judge of the Mariposa court. He was put + to the bad with a game pie,—pate normand aux fines herbes—the + real thing, as good as a trip to Paris in itself. After eating it, + Pepperleigh had the common sense to realize that it was sheer madness to + destroy a hotel that could cook a thing like that. + </p> + <p> + In the same way, the secretary of the School Board was silenced with a + stuffed duck a la Ossawippi. + </p> + <p> + Three members of the town council were converted with a Dindon farci a la + Josh Smith. + </p> + <p> + And then, finally, Mr. Diston persuaded Dean Drone to come, and as soon as + Mr. Smith and Alphonse saw him they landed him with a fried flounder that + even the apostles would have appreciated. + </p> + <p> + After that, every one knew that the license question was practically + settled. The petition was all over the town. It was printed in duplicate + at the Newspacket and you could see it lying on the counter of every shop + in Mariposa. Some of the people signed it twenty or thirty times. + </p> + <p> + It was the right kind of document too. It began—"Whereas in the + bounty of providence the earth putteth forth her luscious fruits and her + vineyards for the delight and enjoyment of mankind—" It made you + thirsty just to read it. Any man who read that petition over was wild to + get to the Rats' Cooler. + </p> + <p> + When it was all signed up they had nearly three thousand names on it. + </p> + <p> + Then Nivens, the lawyer, and Mr. Gingham (as a provincial official) took + it down to the county town, and by three o'clock that afternoon the news + had gone out from the long distance telephone office that Smith's license + was renewed for three years. + </p> + <p> + Rejoicings! Well, I should think so! Everybody was down wanting to shake + hands with Mr. Smith. They told him that he had done more to boom Mariposa + than any ten men in town. Some of them said he ought to run for the town + council, and others wanted to make him the Conservative candidate for the + next Dominion election. The caff was a mere babel of voices, and even the + Rats' Cooler was almost floated away from its moorings. + </p> + <p> + And in the middle of it all, Mr. Smith found time to say to Billy, the + desk clerk: "Take the cash registers out of the caff and the Rats' Cooler + and start counting up the books." + </p> + <p> + And Billy said: "Will I write the letters for the palms and the tables and + the stuff to go back?" + </p> + <p> + And Mr. Smith said: "Get 'em written right away." + </p> + <p> + So all evening the laughter and the chatter and the congratulations went + on, and it wasn't till long after midnight that Mr. Smith was able to join + Billy in the private room behind the "rotunda." Even when he did, there + was a quiet and a dignity about his manner that had never been there + before. I think it must have been the new halo of the Conservative + candidacy that already radiated from his brow. It was, I imagine, at this + very moment that Mr. Smith first realised that the hotel business formed + the natural and proper threshold of the national legislature. + </p> + <p> + "Here's the account of the cash registers," said Billy. + </p> + <p> + "Let me see it," said Mr. Smith. And he studied the figures without a + word. + </p> + <p> + "And here's the letters about the palms, and here's Alphonse up to + yesterday—" + </p> + <p> + And then an amazing thing happened. + </p> + <p> + "Billy," said Mr. Smith, "tear'em up. I ain't going to do it. It ain't + right and I won't do it. They got me the license for to keep the caff and + I'm going to keep the caff. I don't need to close her. The bar's good for + anything from forty to a hundred a day now, with the Rats' Cooler going + good, and that caff will stay right here." + </p> + <p> + And stay it did. + </p> + <p> + There it stands, mind you, to this day. You've only to step round the + corner of Smith's Hotel on the side street and read the sign: LADIES' AND + GENT'S CAFE, just as large and as imposing as ever. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith said that he'd keep the caff, and when he saida thing he meant + it! + </p> + <p> + Of course there were changes, small changes. + </p> + <p> + I don't say, mind you, that the fillet de beef that you get there now is + perhaps quite up to the level of the filet de boeufs aux champignons of + the days of glory. + </p> + <p> + No doubt the lamb chops in Smith's Caff are often very much the same, + nowadays, as the lamb chops of the Mariposa House or the Continental. + </p> + <p> + Of course, things like Omelette aux Trufles practically died out when + Alphonse went. And, naturally, the leaving of Alphonse was inevitable. No + one knew just when he went, or why. But one morning he was gone. Mr. Smith + said that "Alf had to go back to his folks in the old country." + </p> + <p> + So, too, when Alf left, the use of the French language, as such, fell off + tremendously in the caff. Even now they use it to some extent. You can + still get fillet de beef, and saucisson au juice, but Billy the desk clerk + has considerable trouble with the spelling. + </p> + <p> + The Rats' Cooler, of course, closed down, or rather Mr. Smith closed it + for repairs, and there is every likelihood that it will hardly open for + three years. But the caff is there. They don't use the grills, because + there's no need to, with the hotel kitchen so handy. + </p> + <p> + The "girl room," I may say, was never opened. Mr. Smith promised it, it is + true, for the winter, and still talks of it. But somehow there's been a + sort of feeling against it. Every one in town admits that every big hotel + in the city has a "girl room" and that it must be all right. Still, + there's a certain—well, you know how sensitive opinion is in a place + like Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + TWO. The Speculations of Jefferson Thorpe + </h2> + <p> + It was not until the mining boom, at the time when everybody went simply + crazy over the Cobalt and Porcupine mines of the new silver country near + the Hudson Bay, that Jefferson Thorpe reached what you might call public + importance in Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + Of course everybody knew Jeff and his little barber shop that stood just + across the street from Smith's Hotel. Everybody knew him and everybody got + shaved there. From early morning, when the commercial travellers off the + 6.30 express got shaved into the resemblance of human beings, there were + always people going in and out of the barber shop. + </p> + <p> + Mullins, the manager of the Exchange Bank, took his morning shave from + Jeff as a form of resuscitation, with enough wet towels laid on his face + to stew him and with Jeff moving about in the steam, razor in hand, as + grave as an operating surgeon. + </p> + <p> + Then, as I think I said, Mr. Smith came in every morning and there was a + tremendous outpouring of Florida water and rums, essences and revivers and + renovators, regardless of expense. What with Jeff's white coat and Mr. + Smith's flowered waistcoat and the red geranium in the window and the + Florida water and the double extract of hyacinth, the little shop seemed + multi-coloured and luxurious enough for the annex of a Sultan's harem. + </p> + <p> + But what I mean is that, till the mining boom, Jefferson Thorpe never + occupied a position of real prominence in Mariposa. You couldn't, for + example, have compared him with a man like Golgotha Gingham, who, as + undertaker, stood in a direct relation to life and death, or to Trelawney, + the postmaster, who drew money from the Federal Government of Canada, and + was regarded as virtually a member of the Dominion Cabinet. + </p> + <p> + Everybody knew Jeff and liked him, but the odd thing was that till he made + money nobody took any stock in his ideas at all. It was only after he made + the "clean up" that they came to see what a splendid fellow he was. + "Level-headed" I think was the term; indeed in the speech of Mariposa, the + highest form of endowment was to have the head set on horizontally as with + a theodolite. + </p> + <p> + As I say, it was when Jeff made money that they saw how gifted he was, and + when he lost it,—but still, there's no need to go into that. I + believe it's something the same in other places too. + </p> + <p> + The barber shop, you will remember, stands across the street from Smith's + Hotel, and stares at it face to face. + </p> + <p> + It is one of those wooden structures—I don't know whether you know + them—with a false front that sticks up above its real height and + gives it an air at once rectangular and imposing. It is a form of + architecture much used in Mariposa and understood to be in keeping with + the pretentious and artificial character of modern business. There is a + red, white and blue post in front of the shop and the shop itself has a + large square window out of proportion to its little flat face. + </p> + <p> + Painted on the panes of the window is the remains of a legend that once + spelt BARBER SHOP, executed with the flourishes that prevailed in the + golden age of sign painting in Mariposa. Through the window you can see + the geraniums in the window shelf and behind them Jeff Thorpe with his + little black scull cap on and his spectacles drooped upon his nose as he + bends forward in the absorption of shaving. + </p> + <p> + As you open the door, it sets in violent agitation a coiled spring up + above and a bell that almost rings. Inside, there are two shaving chairs + of the heavier, or electrocution pattern, with mirrors in front of them + and pigeon holes with individual shaving mugs. There must be ever so many + of them, fifteen or sixteen. It is the current supposition of each of + Jeff's customers that everyone else but himself uses a separate mug. One + corner of the shop is partitioned off and bears the sign: HOT AND COLD + BATHS, 50 CENTS. There has been no bath inside the partition for twenty + years—only old newspapers and a mop. Still, it lends distinction + somehow, just as do the faded cardboard signs that hang against the mirror + with the legends: TURKISH SHAMPOO, 75 CENTS, and ROMAN MASSAGE, $1.00. + </p> + <p> + They said commonly in Mariposa that Jeff made money out of the barber + shop. He may have, and it may have been that that turned his mind to + investment. But it's hard to see how he could. A shave cost five cents, + and a hair-cut fifteen (or the two, if you liked, for a quarter), and at + that it is hard to see how he could make money, even when he had both + chairs going and shaved first in one and then in the other. + </p> + <p> + You see, in Mariposa, shaving isn't the hurried, perfunctory thing that it + is in the city. A shave is looked upon as a form of physical pleasure and + lasts anywhere from twenty-five minutes to three-quarters of an hour. + </p> + <p> + In the morning hours, perhaps, there was a semblance of haste about it, + but in the long quiet of the afternoon, as Jeff leaned forward towards the + customer, and talked to him in a soft confidential monotone, like a + portrait painter, the razor would go slower and slower, and pause and + stop, move and pause again, till the shave died away into the mere drowse + of conversation. + </p> + <p> + At such hours, the Mariposa barber shop would become a very Palace of + Slumber, and as you waited your turn in one of the wooden arm-chairs + beside the wall, what with the quiet of the hour, and the low drone of + Jeff's conversation, the buzzing of the flies against the window pane and + the measured tick of the clock above the mirror, your head sank dreaming + on your breast, and the Mariposa Newspacket rustled unheeded on the floor. + It makes one drowsy just to think of it! + </p> + <p> + The conversation, of course, was the real charm of the place. You see, + Jefferson's forte, or specialty, was information. He could tell you more + things within the compass of a half-hour's shave than you get in days of + laborious research in an encyclopaedia. Where he got it all, I don't know, + but I am inclined to think it came more or less out of the newspapers. + </p> + <p> + In the city, people never read the newspapers, not really, only little + bits and scraps of them. But in Mariposa it's different. There they read + the whole thing from cover to cover, and they build up on it, in the + course of years, a range of acquirement that would put a college president + to the blush. Anybody who has ever heard Henry Mullins and Peter Glover + talk about the future of China will know just what I mean. + </p> + <p> + And, of course, the peculiarity of Jeff's conversation was that he could + suit it to his man every time. He had a kind of divination about it. There + was a certain kind of man that Jeff would size up sideways as he stropped + the razor, and in whose ear he would whisper: "I see where Saint Louis has + took four straight games off Chicago,"—and so hold him fascinated to + the end. + </p> + <p> + In the same way he would say to Mr. Smith: "I see where it says that this + 'Flying Squirl' run a dead heat for the King's Plate." + </p> + <p> + To a humble intellect like mine he would explain in full the relations of + the Keesar to the German Rich Dog. + </p> + <p> + But first and foremost, Jeff's specialty in the way of conversation was + finance and the money market, the huge fortunes that a man with the right + kind of head could make. + </p> + <p> + I've known Jefferson to pause in his shaving with the razor suspended in + the air as long as five minutes while he described, with his eye half + closed, exactly the kind of a head a man needed in order to make a "haul" + or a "clean up." It was evidently simply a matter of the head, and as far + as one could judge, Jeff's own was the very type required. I don't know + just at what time or how Jefferson first began his speculative + enterprises. It was probably in him from the start. There is no doubt that + the very idea of such things as Traction Stock and Amalgamated Asbestos + went to his head: and whenever he spoke of Mr. Carnegie and Mr. + Rockefeller, the yearning tone of his voice made it as soft as lathered + soap. + </p> + <p> + I suppose the most rudimentary form of his speculation was the hens. That + was years ago. He kept them out at the back of his house,—which + itself stood up a grass plot behind and beyond the barber shop,—and + in the old days Jeff would say, with a certain note of pride in his voice, + that The Woman had sold as many as two dozen eggs in a day to the summer + visitors. + </p> + <p> + But what with reading about Amalgamated Asbestos and Consolidated Copper + and all that, the hens began to seem pretty small business, and, in any + case, the idea of two dozen eggs at a cent apiece almost makes one blush. + I suppose a good many of us have felt just as Jeff did about our poor + little earnings. Anyway, I remember Jeff telling me one day that he could + take the whole lot of the hens and sell them off and crack the money into + Chicago wheat on margin and turn it over in twenty-four hours. He did it + too. Only somehow when it was turned over it came upside down on top of + the hens. + </p> + <p> + After that the hen house stood empty and The Woman had to throw away + chicken feed every day, at a dead loss of perhaps a shave and a half. But + it made no difference to Jeff, for his mind had floated away already on + the possibilities of what he called "displacement" mining on the Yukon. + </p> + <p> + So you can understand that when the mining boom struck Mariposa, Jefferson + Thorpe was in it right from the very start. Why, no wonder; it seemed like + the finger of Providence. Here was this great silver country spread out to + north of us, where people had thought there was only a wilderness. And + right at our very doors! You could see, as I saw, the night express going + north every evening; for all one knew Rockefeller or Carnegie or anyone + might be on it! Here was the wealth of Calcutta, as the Mariposa + Newspacket put it, poured out at our very feet. + </p> + <p> + So no wonder the town went wild! All day in the street you could hear men + talking of veins, and smelters and dips and deposits and faults,—the + town hummed with it like a geology class on examination day. And there + were men about the hotels with mining outfits and theodolites and dunnage + bags, and at Smith's bar they would hand chunks of rock up and down, some + of which would run as high as ten drinks to the pound. + </p> + <p> + The fever just caught the town and ran through it! Within a fortnight they + put a partition down Robertson's Coal and Wood Office and opened the + Mariposa Mining Exchange, and just about every man on the Main Street + started buying scrip. Then presently young Fizzlechip, who had been teller + in Mullins's Bank and that everybody had thought a worthless jackass + before, came back from the Cobalt country with a fortune, and loafed round + in the Mariposa House in English khaki and a horizontal hat, drunk all the + time, and everybody holding him up as an example of what it was possible + to do if you tried. + </p> + <p> + They all went in. Jim Eliot mortgaged the inside of the drug store and + jammed it into Twin Tamagami. Pete Glover at the hardware store bought + Nippewa stock at thirteen cents and sold it to his brother at seventeen + and bought it back in less than a week at nineteen. They didn't care! They + took a chance. Judge Pepperleigh put the rest of his wife's money into + Temiskaming Common, and Lawyer Macartney got the fever, too, and put every + cent that his sister possessed into Tulip Preferred. + </p> + <p> + And even when young Fizzlechip shot himself in the back room of the + Mariposa House, Mr. Gingham buried him in a casket with silver handles and + it was felt that there was a Monte Carlo touch about the whole thing. + </p> + <p> + They all went in—or all except Mr. Smith. You see, Mr. Smith had + come down from there, and he knew all about rocks and mining and canoes + and the north country. He knew what it was to eat flour-baked dampers + under the lee side of a canoe propped among the underbrush, and to drink + the last drop of whiskey within fifty miles. Mr. Smith had mighty little + use for the north. But what he did do, was to buy up enough early potatoes + to send fifteen carload lots into Cobalt at a profit of five dollars a + bag. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith, I say, hung back. But Jeff Thorpe was in the mining boom right + from the start. He bought in on the Nippewa mine even before the interim + prospectus was out. He took a "block" of 100 shares of Abbitibbi + Development at fourteen cents, and he and Johnson, the livery stablekeeper + next door, formed a syndicate and got a thousand shares of Metagami Lake + at 3 1/4 cents and then "unloaded" them on one of the sausage men at + Netley's butcher shop at a clear cent per cent advance. + </p> + <p> + Jeff would open the little drawer below the mirror in the barber shop and + show you all kinds and sorts of Cobalt country mining certificates,—blue + ones, pink ones, green ones, with outlandish and fascinating names on them + that ran clear from the Mattawa to the Hudson Bay. + </p> + <p> + And right from the start he was confident of winning. "There ain't no + difficulty to it," he said, "there's lots of silver up there in that + country and if you buy some here and some there you can't fail to come out + somewhere. I don't say," he used to continue, with the scissors open and + ready to cut, "that some of the greenhorns won't get bit. But if a feller + knows the country and keeps his head level, he can't lose." + </p> + <p> + Jefferson had looked at so many prospectuses and so many pictures of mines + and pine trees and smelters, that I think he'd forgotten that he'd never + been in the country. Anyway, what's two hundred miles! + </p> + <p> + To an onlooker it certainly didn't seem so simple. I never knew the + meanness, the trickery, of the mining business, the sheer obstinate + determination of the bigger capitalists not to make money when they might, + till I heard the accounts of Jeff's different mines. Take the case of + Corona Jewel. There was a good mine, simply going to ruin for lack of + common sense. + </p> + <p> + "She ain't been developed," Jeff would say. "There's silver enough in her + so you could dig it out with a shovel. She's full of it. But they won't + get at her and work her." + </p> + <p> + Then he'd take a look at the pink and blue certificates of the Corona + Jewel and slam the drawer on them in disgust. Worse than that was the + Silent Pine,—a clear case of stupid incompetence! Utter lack of + engineering skill was all that was keeping the Silent Pine from making a + fortune for its holders. + </p> + <p> + "The only trouble with that mine," said Jeff, "is they won't go deep + enough. They followed the vein down to where it kind o' thinned out and + then they quit. If they'd just go right into her good, they'd get it + again. She's down there all right." + </p> + <p> + But perhaps the meanest case of all was the Northern Star. That always + seemed to me, every time I heard of it, a straight case for the criminal + law. The thing was so evidently a conspiracy. + </p> + <p> + "I bought her," said Jeff, "at thirty-two, and she stayed right there + tight, like she was stuck. Then a bunch of these fellers in the city + started to drive her down and they got her pushed down to twenty-four, and + I held on to her and they shoved her down to twenty-one. This morning + they've got her down to sixteen, but I don't mean to let go. No, sir." + </p> + <p> + In another fortnight they shoved her, the same unscrupulous crowd, down to + nine cents, and Jefferson still held on. "They're working her down," he + admitted, "but I'm holding her." + </p> + <p> + No conflict between vice and virtue was ever grimmer. + </p> + <p> + "She's at six," said Jeff, "but I've got her. They can't squeeze me." + </p> + <p> + A few days after that, the same criminal gang had her down further than + ever. + </p> + <p> + "They've got her down to three cents," said Jeff, "but I'm with her. Yes, + sir, they think they can shove her clean off the market, but they can't do + it. I've boughten in Johnson's shares, and the whole of Netley's, and I'll + stay with her till she breaks." + </p> + <p> + So they shoved and pushed and clawed her down—that unseen nefarious + crowd in the city—and Jeff held on to her and they writhed and + twisted at his grip, and then— + </p> + <p> + And then—well, that's just the queer thing about the mining + business. Why, sudden as a flash of lightning, it seemed, the news came + over the wire to the Mariposa Newspacket, that they had struck a vein of + silver in the Northern Star as thick as a sidewalk, and that the stock had + jumped to seventeen dollars a share, and even at that you couldn't get it! + And Jeff stood there flushed and half-staggered against the mirror of the + little shop, with a bunch of mining scrip in his hand that was worth forty + thousand dollars! + </p> + <p> + Excitement! It was all over the town in a minutes. They ran off a news + extra at the Mariposa Newspacket, and in less than no time there wasn't + standing room in the barber shop, and over in Smith's Hotel they had three + extra barkeepers working on the lager beer pumps. + </p> + <p> + They were selling mining shares on the Main Street in Mariposa that + afternoon and people were just clutching for them. Then at night there was + a big oyster supper in Smith's caff, with speeches, and the Mariposa band + outside. + </p> + <p> + And the queer thing was that the very next afternoon was the funeral of + young Fizzlechip, and Dean Drone had to change the whole text of his + Sunday sermon at two days' notice for fear of offending public sentiment. + </p> + <p> + But I think what Jeff liked best of it all was the sort of public + recognition that it meant. He'd stand there in the shop, hardly bothering + to shave, and explain to the men in the arm-chairs how he held her, and + they shoved her, and he clung to her, and what he'd said to himself—a + perfect Iliad—while he was clinging to her. + </p> + <p> + The whole thing was in the city papers a few days after with a photograph + of Jeff, taken specially at Ed Moore's studio (upstairs over Netley's). It + showed Jeff sitting among palm trees, as all mining men do, with one hand + on his knee, and a dog, one of those regular mining dogs, at his feet, and + a look of piercing intelligence in his face that would easily account for + forty thousand dollars. + </p> + <p> + I say that the recognition meant a lot to Jeff for its own sake. But no + doubt the fortune meant quite a bit to him too on account of Myra. + </p> + <p> + Did I mention Myra, Jeff's daughter? Perhaps not. That's the trouble with + the people in Mariposa; they're all so separate and so different—not + a bit like the people in the cities—that unless you hear about them + separately and one by one you can't for a moment understand what they're + like. + </p> + <p> + Myra had golden hair and a Greek face and would come bursting through the + barber shop in a hat at least six inches wider than what they wear in + Paris. As you saw her swinging up the street to the Telephone Exchange in + a suit that was straight out of the Delineator and brown American boots, + there was style written all over her,—the kind of thing that + Mariposa recognised and did homage to. And to see her in the Exchange,—she + was one of the four girls that I spoke of,—on her high stool with a + steel cap on,—jabbing the connecting plugs in and out as if + electricity cost nothing—well, all I mean is that you could + understand why it was that the commercial travellers would stand round in + the Exchange calling up all sorts of impossible villages, and waiting + about so pleasant and genial!—it made one realize how naturally + good-tempered men are. And then when Myra would go off duty and Miss + Cleghorn, who was sallow, would come on, the commercial men would be off + again like autumn leaves. + </p> + <p> + It just shows the difference between people. There was Myra who treated + lovers like dogs and would slap them across the face with a banana skin to + show her utter independence. And there was Miss Cleghorn, who was sallow, + and who bought a forty cent Ancient History to improve herself: and yet if + she'd hit any man in Mariposa with a banana skin, he'd have had her + arrested for assault. + </p> + <p> + Mind you, I don't mean that Myra was merely flippant and worthless. Not at + all. She was a girl with any amount of talent. You should have heard her + recite "The Raven," at the Methodist Social! Simply genius! And when she + acted Portia in the Trial Scene of the Merchant of Venice at the High + School concert, everybody in Mariposa admitted that you couldn't have told + it from the original. + </p> + <p> + So, of course, as soon as Jeff made the fortune, Myra had her resignation + in next morning and everybody knew that she was to go to a dramatic school + for three months in the fall and become a leading actress. + </p> + <p> + But, as I said, the public recognition counted a lot for Jeff. The moment + you begin to get that sort of thing it comes in quickly enough. Brains, + you know, are recognized right away. That was why, of course, within a + week from this Jeff received the first big packet of stuff from the Cuban + Land Development Company, with coloured pictures of Cuba, and fields of + bananas, and haciendas and insurrectos with machetes and Heaven knows + what. They heard of him, somehow,—it wasn't for a modest man like + Jefferson to say how. After all, the capitalists of the world are just one + and the same crowd. If you're in it, you're in it, that's all! Jeff + realized why it is that of course men like Carnegie or Rockefeller and + Morgan all know one another. They have to. + </p> + <p> + For all I know, this Cuban stuff may have been sent from Morgan himself. + Some of the people in Mariposa said yes, others said no. There was no + certainty. + </p> + <p> + Anyway, they were fair and straight, this Cuban crowd that wrote to Jeff. + They offered him to come right in and be one of themselves. If a man's got + the brains, you may as well recognize it straight away. Just as well write + him to be a director now as wait and hesitate till he forces his way into + it. + </p> + <p> + Anyhow, they didn't hesitate, these Cuban people that wrote to Jeff from + Cuba—or from a post-office box in New York—it's all the same + thing, because Cuba being so near to New York the mail is all distributed + from there. I suppose in some financial circles they might have been + slower, wanted guarantees of some sort, and so on, but these Cubans, you + know, have got a sort of Spanish warmth of heart that you don't see in + business men in America, and that touches you. No, they asked no + guarantee. Just send the money whether by express order or by bank draft + or cheque, they left that entirely to oneself, as a matter between Cuban + gentlemen. + </p> + <p> + And they were quite frank about their enterprise—bananas and tobacco + in the plantation district reclaimed from the insurrectos. You could see + it all there in the pictures—tobacco plants and the insurrectos—everything. + They made no rash promises, just admitted straight out that the enterprise + might realise 400 per cent. or might conceivably make less. There was no + hint of more. + </p> + <p> + So within a month, everybody in Mariposa knew that Jeff Thorpe was "in + Cuban lands" and would probably clean up half a million by New Year's. You + couldn't have failed to know it. All round the little shop there were + pictures of banana groves and the harbour of Habana, and Cubans in white + suits and scarlet sashes, smoking cigarettes in the sun and too ignorant + to know that you can make four hundred per cent. by planting a banana + tree. + </p> + <p> + I liked it about Jeff that he didn't stop shaving. He went on just the + same. Even when Johnson, the livery stable man, came in with five hundred + dollars and asked him to see if the Cuban Board of Directors would let him + put it in, Jeff laid it in the drawer and then shaved him for five cents, + in the same old way. Of course, he must have felt proud when, a few days + later, he got a letter from the Cuban people, from New York, accepting the + money straight off without a single question, and without knowing anything + more of Johnson except that he was a friend of Jeff's. They wrote most + handsomely. Any friends of Jeff's were friends of Cuba. All money they + might send would be treated just as Jeff's would be treated. + </p> + <p> + One reason, perhaps, why Jeff didn't give up shaving was because it + allowed him to talk about Cuba. You see, everybody knew in Mariposa that + Jeff Thorpe had sold out of Cobalts and had gone into Cuban Renovated + Lands—and that spread round him a kind of halo of wealth and mystery + and outlandishness—oh, something Spanish. Perhaps you've felt it + about people that you know. Anyhow, they asked him about the climate, and + yellow fever and what the negroes were like and all that sort of thing. + </p> + <p> + "This Cubey, it appears is an island," Jeff would explain. Of course, + everybody knows how easily islands lend themselves to making money,—"and + for fruit, they say it comes up so fast you can't stop it." And then he + would pass into details about the Hash-enders and the resurrectos and + technical things like that till it was thought a wonder how he could know + it. Still, it was realized that a man with money has got to know these + things. Look at Morgan and Rockefeller and all the men that make a pile. + They know just as much as Jeff did about the countries where they make it. + It stands to reason. + </p> + <p> + Did I say that Jeff shaved in the same old way? Not quite. There was + something even dreamier about it now, and a sort of new element in the way + Jeff fell out of his monotone into lapses of thought that I, for one, + misunderstood. I thought that perhaps getting so much money,—well, + you know the way it acts on people in the larger cities. It seemed to + spoil one's idea of Jeff that copper and asbestos and banana lands should + form the goal of his thought when, if he knew it, the little shop and the + sunlight of Mariposa was so much better. + </p> + <p> + In fact, I had perhaps borne him a grudge for what seemed to me his + perpetual interest in the great capitalists. He always had some item out + of the paper about them. + </p> + <p> + "I see where this here Carnegie has give fifty thousand dollars for one of + them observatories," he would say. + </p> + <p> + And another day he would pause in the course of shaving, and almost + whisper: "Did you ever <i>see</i> this Rockefeller?" + </p> + <p> + It was only by a sort of accident that I came to know that there was + another side to Jefferson's speculation that no one in Mariposa ever knew, + or will ever know now. + </p> + <p> + I knew it because I went in to see Jeff in his house one night. The house,—I + think I said it,—stood out behind the barber shop. You went out of + the back door of the shop, and through a grass plot with petunias beside + it, and the house stood at the end. You could see the light of the lamp + behind the blind, and through the screen door as you came along. And it + was here that Jefferson used to sit in the evenings when the shop got + empty. + </p> + <p> + There was a round table that The Woman used to lay for supper, and after + supper there used to be a chequered cloth on it and a lamp with a shade. + And beside it Jeff would sit, with his spectacles on and the paper spread + out, reading about Carnegie and Rockefeller. Near him, but away from the + table, was The Woman doing needlework, and Myra, when she wasn't working + in the Telephone Exchange, was there too with her elbows on the table + reading Marie Corelli—only now, of course, after the fortune, she + was reading the prospectuses of Dramatic Schools. + </p> + <p> + So this night,—I don't know just what it was in the paper that + caused it,—Jeff laid down what he was reading and started to talk + about Carnegie. + </p> + <p> + "This Carnegie, I bet you, would be worth," said Jeff, closing up his eyes + in calculation, "as much as perhaps two million dollars, if you was to + sell him up. And this Rockefeller and this Morgan, either of them, to sell + them up clean, would be worth another couple of million—" + </p> + <p> + I may say in parentheses that it was a favourite method in Mariposa if you + wanted to get at the real worth of a man, to imagine him clean sold up, + put up for auction, as it were. It was the only way to test him. + </p> + <p> + "And now look at 'em," Jeff went on. "They make their money and what do + they do with it? They give it away. And who do they give it to? Why, to + those as don't want it, every time. They give it to these professors and + to this research and that, and do the poor get any of it? Not a cent and + never will." + </p> + <p> + "I tell you, boys," continued Jeff (there were no boys present, but in + Mariposa all really important speeches are addressed to an imaginary + audience of boys)—"I tell you, if I was to make a million out of + this Cubey, I'd give it straight to the poor, yes, sir—divide it up + into a hundred lots of a thousand dollars each and give it to the people + that hadn't nothing." + </p> + <p> + So always after that I knew just what those bananas were being grown for. + </p> + <p> + Indeed, after that, though Jefferson never spoke of his intentions + directly, he said a number of things that seemed to bear on them. He asked + me, for instance, one day, how many blind people it would take to fill one + of these blind homes and how a feller could get ahold of them. And at + another time he asked whether if a feller advertised for some of these + incurables a feller could get enough of them to make a showing. I know for + a fact that he got Nivens, the lawyer, to draw up a document that was to + give an acre of banana land in Cuba to every idiot in Missinaba county. + </p> + <p> + But still,—what's the use of talking of what Jeff meant to do? + Nobody knows or cares about it now. + </p> + <p> + The end of it was bound to come. Even in Mariposa some of the people must + have thought so. Else how was it that Henry Mullins made such a fuss about + selling a draft for forty thousand on New York? And why was it that Mr. + Smith wouldn't pay Billy, the desk clerk, his back wages when he wanted to + put it into Cuba? + </p> + <p> + Oh yes; some of them must have seen it. And yet when it came it seemed so + quiet,—ever so quiet,—not a bit like the Northern Star mine + and the oyster supper and the Mariposa band. It is strange how quiet these + things look, the other way round. + </p> + <p> + You remember the Cuban Land frauds in New York and Porforio Gomez shooting + the detective, and him and Maximo Morez getting clear away with two + hundred thousand? No, of course you don't; why, even in the city papers it + only filled an inch or two of type, and anyway the names were hard to + remember. That was Jeff's money—part of it. Mullins got the + telegram, from a broker or someone, and he showed it to Jeff just as he + was going up the street with an estate agent to look at a big empty lot on + the hill behind the town—the very place for these incurables. + </p> + <p> + And Jeff went back to the shop so quiet—have you ever seen an animal + that is stricken through, how quiet it seems to move? + </p> + <p> + Well, that's how he walked. + </p> + <p> + And since that, though it's quite a little while ago, the shop's open till + eleven every night now, and Jeff is shaving away to pay back that five + hundred that Johnson, the livery man, sent to the Cubans, and— + </p> + <p> + Pathetic? tut! tut! You don't know Mariposa. Jeff has to work pretty late, + but that's nothing—nothing at all, if you've worked hard all your + lifetime. And Myra is back at the Telephone Exchange—they were glad + enough to get her, and she says now that if there's one thing she hates, + it's the stage, and she can't see how the actresses put up with it. + </p> + <p> + Anyway, things are not so bad. You see it was just at this time that Mr. + Smith's caff opened, and Mr. Smith came to Jeff's Woman and said he wanted + seven dozen eggs a day, and wanted them handy, and so the hens are back, + and more of them, and they exult so every morning over the eggs they lay + that if you wanted to talk of Rockefeller in the barber shop you couldn't + hear his name for the cackling. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THREE. The Marine Excursions of the Knights of Pythias + </h2> + <p> + Half-past six on a July morning! The Mariposa Belle is at the wharf, + decked in flags, with steam up ready to start. + </p> + <p> + Excursion day! + </p> + <p> + Half past six on a July morning, and Lake Wissanotti lying in the sun as + calm as glass. The opal colours of the morning light are shot from the + surface of the water. + </p> + <p> + Out on the lake the last thin threads of the mist are clearing away like + flecks of cotton wool. + </p> + <p> + The long call of the loon echoes over the lake. The air is cool and fresh. + There is in it all the new life of the land of the silent pine and the + moving waters. Lake Wissanotti in the morning sunlight! Don't talk to me + of the Italian lakes, or the Tyrol or the Swiss Alps. Take them away. Move + them somewhere else. I don't want them. + </p> + <p> + Excursion Day, at half past six of a summer morning! With the boat all + decked in flags and all the people in Mariposa on the wharf, and the band + in peaked caps with big cornets tied to their bodies ready to play at any + minute! I say! Don't tell me about the Carnival of Venice and the Delhi + Durbar. Don't! I wouldn't look at them. I'd shut my eyes! For light and + colour give me every time an excursion out of Mariposa down the lake to + the Indian's Island out of sight in the morning mist. Talk of your Papal + Zouaves and your Buckingham Palace Guard! I want to see the Mariposa band + in uniform and the Mariposa Knights of Pythias with their aprons and their + insignia and their picnic baskets and their five-cent cigars! + </p> + <p> + Half past six in the morning, and all the crowd on the wharf and the boat + due to leave in half an hour. Notice it!—in half an hour. Already + she's whistled twice (at six, and at six fifteen), and at any minute now, + Christie Johnson will step into the pilot house and pull the string for + the warning whistle that the boat will leave in half an hour. So keep + ready. Don't think of running back to Smith's Hotel for the sandwiches. + Don't be fool enough to try to go up to the Greek Store, next to Netley's, + and buy fruit. You'll be left behind for sure if you do. Never mind the + sandwiches and the fruit! Anyway, here comes Mr. Smith himself with a huge + basket of provender that would feed a factory. There must be sandwiches in + that. I think I can hear them clinking. And behind Mr. Smith is the German + waiter from the caff with another basket—indubitably lager beer; and + behind him, the bar-tender of the hotel, carrying nothing, as far as one + can see. But of course if you know Mariposa you will understand that why + he looks so nonchalant and empty-handed is because he has two bottles of + rye whiskey under his linen duster. You know, I think, the peculiar walk + of a man with two bottles of whiskey in the inside pockets of a linen + coat. In Mariposa, you see, to bring beer to an excursion is quite in + keeping with public opinion. But, whiskey,—well, one has to be a + little careful. + </p> + <p> + Do I say that Mr. Smith is here? Why, everybody's here. There's Hussell + the editor of the Newspacket, wearing a blue ribbon on his coat, for the + Mariposa Knights of Pythias are, by their constitution, dedicated to + temperance; and there's Henry Mullins, the manager of the Exchange Bank, + also a Knight of Pythias, with a small flask of Pogram's Special in his + hip pocket as a sort of amendment to the constitution. And there's Dean + Drone, the Chaplain of the Order, with a fishing-rod (you never saw such + green bass as lie among the rocks at Indian's Island), and with a trolling + line in case of maskinonge, and a landing net in case of pickerel, and + with his eldest daughter, Lilian Drone, in case of young men. There never + was such a fisherman as the Rev. Rupert Drone. + </p> + <p> + Perhaps I ought to explain that when I speak of the excursion as being of + the Knights of Pythias, the thing must not be understood in any narrow + sense. In Mariposa practically everybody belongs to the Knights of Pythias + just as they do to everything else. That's the great thing about the town + and that's what makes it so different from the city. Everybody is in + everything. + </p> + <p> + You should see them on the seventeenth of March, for example, when + everybody wears a green ribbon and they're all laughing and glad,—you + know what the Celtic nature is,—and talking about Home Rule. + </p> + <p> + On St. Andrew's Day every man in town wears a thistle and shakes hands + with everybody else, and you see the fine old Scotch honesty beaming out + of their eyes. + </p> + <p> + And on St. George's Day!—well, there's no heartiness like the good + old English spirit, after all; why shouldn't a man feel glad that he's an + Englishman? + </p> + <p> + Then on the Fourth of July there are stars and stripes flying over half + the stores in town, and suddenly all the men are seen to smoke cigars, and + to know all about Roosevelt and Bryan and the Philippine Islands. Then you + learn for the first time that Jeff Thorpe's people came from Massachusetts + and that his uncle fought at Bunker Hill (it must have been Bunker Hill,—anyway + Jefferson will swear it was in Dakota all right enough); and you find that + George Duff has a married sister in Rochester and that her husband is all + right; in fact, George was down there as recently as eight years ago. Oh, + it's the most American town imaginable is Mariposa,—on the fourth of + July. + </p> + <p> + But wait, just wait, if you feel anxious about the solidity of the British + connection, till the twelfth of the month, when everybody is wearing an + orange streamer in his coat and the Orangemen (every man in town) walk in + the big procession. Allegiance! Well, perhaps you remember the address + they gave to the Prince of Wales on the platform of the Mariposa station + as he went through on his tour to the west. I think that pretty well + settled that question. So you will easily understand that of course + everybody belongs to the Knights of Pythias and the Masons and Oddfellows, + just as they all belong to the Snow Shoe Club and the Girls' Friendly + Society. + </p> + <p> + And meanwhile the whistle of the steamer has blown again for a quarter to + seven:—loud and long this time, for any one not here now is late for + certain; unless he should happen to come down in the last fifteen minutes. + </p> + <p> + What a crowd upon the wharf and how they pile on to the steamer! It's a + wonder that the boat can hold them all. But that's just the marvellous + thing about the Mariposa Belle. + </p> + <p> + I don't know,—I have never known,—where the steamers like the + Mariposa Belle come from. Whether they are built by Harland and Wolff of + Belfast, or whether, on the other hand, they are not built by Harland and + Wolff of Belfast, is more than one would like to say offhand. + </p> + <p> + The Mariposa Belle always seems to me to have some of those strange + properties that distinguish Mariposa itself. I mean, her size seems to + vary so. If you see her there in the winter, frozen in the ice beside the + wharf with a snowdrift against the windows of the pilot house, she looks a + pathetic little thing the size of a butternut. But in the summer time, + especially after you've been in Mariposa for a month or two, and have + paddled alongside of her in a canoe, she gets larger and taller, and with + a great sweep of black sides, till you see no difference between the + Mariposa Belle and the Lusitania. Each one is a big steamer and that's all + you can say. + </p> + <p> + Nor do her measurements help you much. She draws about eighteen inches + forward, and more than that,—at least half an inch more, astern, and + when she's loaded down with an excursion crowd she draws a good two inches + more. And above the water,—why, look at all the decks on her! + There's the deck you walk on to, from the wharf, all shut in, with windows + along it, and the after cabin with the long table, and above that the deck + with all the chairs piled upon it, and the deck in front where the band + stand round in a circle, and the pilot house is higher than that, and + above the pilot house is the board with the gold name and the flag pole + and the steel ropes and the flags; and fixed in somewhere on the different + levels is the lunch counter where they sell the sandwiches, and the engine + room, and down below the deck level, beneath the water line, is the place + where the crew sleep. What with steps and stairs and passages and piles of + cordwood for the engine,—oh no, I guess Harland and Wolff didn't + build her. They couldn't have. + </p> + <p> + Yet even with a huge boat like the Mariposa Belle, it would be impossible + for her to carry all of the crowd that you see in the boat and on the + wharf. In reality, the crowd is made up of two classes,—all of the + people in Mariposa who are going on the excursion and all those who are + not. Some come for the one reason and some for the other. + </p> + <p> + The two tellers of the Exchange Bank are both there standing side by side. + But one of them,—the one with the cameo pin and the long face like a + horse,—is going, and the other,—with the other cameo pin and + the face like another horse,—is not. In the same way, Hussell of the + Newspacket is going, but his brother, beside him, isn't. Lilian Drone is + going, but her sister can't; and so on all through the crowd. + </p> + <p> + And to think that things should look like that on the morning of a + steamboat accident. + </p> + <p> + How strange life is! + </p> + <p> + To think of all these people so eager and anxious to catch the steamer, + and some of them running to catch it, and so fearful that they might miss + it,—the morning of a steamboat accident. And the captain blowing his + whistle, and warning them so severely that he would leave them behind,—leave + them out of the accident! And everybody crowding so eagerly to be in the + accident. + </p> + <p> + Perhaps life is like that all through. + </p> + <p> + Strangest of all to think, in a case like this, of the people who were + left behind, or in some way or other prevented from going, and always + afterwards told of how they had escaped being on board the Mariposa Belle + that day! + </p> + <p> + Some of the instances were certainly extraordinary. Nivens, the lawyer, + escaped from being there merely by the fact that he was away in the city. + </p> + <p> + Towers, the tailor, only escaped owing to the fact that, not intending to + go on the excursion he had stayed in bed till eight o'clock and so had not + gone. He narrated afterwards that waking up that morning at half-past + five, he had thought of the excursion and for some unaccountable reason + had felt glad that he was not going. + </p> + <p> + The case of Yodel, the auctioneer, was even more inscrutable. He had been + to the Oddfellows' excursion on the train the week before and to the + Conservative picnic the week before that, and had decided not to go on + this trip. In fact, he had not the least intention of going. He narrated + afterwards how the night before someone had stopped him on the corner of + Nippewa and Tecumseh Streets (he indicated the very spot) and asked: "Are + you going to take in the excursion to-morrow?" and he had said, just as + simply as he was talking when narrating it: "No." And ten minutes after + that, at the corner of Dalhousie and Brock Streets (he offered to lead a + party of verification to the precise place) somebody else had stopped him + and asked: "Well, are you going on the steamer trip to-morrow?" Again he + had answered: "No," apparently almost in the same tone as before. + </p> + <p> + He said afterwards that when he heard the rumour of the accident it seemed + like the finger of Providence, and fell on his knees in thankfulness. + </p> + <p> + There was the similar case of Morison (I mean the one in Glover's hardware + store that married one of the Thompsons). He said afterwards that he had + read so much in the papers about accidents lately,—mining accidents, + and aeroplanes and gasoline,—that he had grown nervous. The night + before his wife had asked him at supper: "Are you going on the excursion?" + He had answered: "No, I don't think I feel like it," and had added: + "Perhaps your mother might like to go." And the next evening just at dusk, + when the news ran through the town, he said the first thought that flashed + through his head was: "Mrs. Thompson's on that boat." + </p> + <p> + He told this right as I say it—without the least doubt or confusion. + He never for a moment imagined she was on the Lusitania or the Olympic or + any other boat. He knew she was on this one. He said you could have + knocked him down where he stood. But no one had. Not even when he got + halfway down,—on his knees, and it would have been easier still to + knock him down or kick him. People do miss a lot of chances. + </p> + <p> + Still, as I say, neither Yodel nor Morison nor anyone thought about there + being an accident until just after sundown when they— + </p> + <p> + Well, have you ever heard the long booming whistle of a steamboat two + miles out on the lake in the dusk, and while you listen and count and + wonder, seen the crimson rockets going up against the sky and then heard + the fire bell ringing right there beside you in the town, and seen the + people running to the town wharf? + </p> + <p> + That's what the people of Mariposa saw and felt that summer evening as + they watched the Mackinaw life-boat go plunging out into the lake with + seven sweeps to a side and the foam clear to the gunwale with the lifting + stroke of fourteen men! + </p> + <p> + But, dear me, I am afraid that this is no way to tell a story. I suppose + the true art would have been to have said nothing about the accident till + it happened. But when you write about Mariposa, or hear of it, if you know + the place, it's all so vivid and real that a thing like the contrast + between the excursion crowd in the morning and the scene at night leaps + into your mind and you must think of it. + </p> + <p> + But never mind about the accident,—let us turn back again to the + morning. + </p> + <p> + The boat was due to leave at seven. There was no doubt about the hour,—not + only seven, but seven sharp. The notice in the Newspacket said: "The boat + will leave sharp at seven;" and the advertising posters on the telegraph + poles on Missinaba Street that began "Ho, for Indian's Island!" ended up + with the words: "Boat leaves at seven sharp." There was a big notice on + the wharf that said: "Boat leaves sharp on time." + </p> + <p> + So at seven, right on the hour, the whistle blew loud and long, and then + at seven fifteen three short peremptory blasts, and at seven thirty one + quick angry call,—just one,—and very soon after that they cast + off the last of the ropes and the Mariposa Belle sailed off in her cloud + of flags, and the band of the Knights of Pythias, timing it to a nicety, + broke into the "Maple Leaf for Ever!" + </p> + <p> + I suppose that all excursions when they start are much the same. Anyway, + on the Mariposa Belle everybody went running up and down all over the boat + with deck chairs and camp stools and baskets, and found places, splendid + places to sit, and then got scared that there might be better ones and + chased off again. People hunted for places out of the sun and when they + got them swore that they weren't going to freeze to please anybody; and + the people in the sun said that they hadn't paid fifty cents to be + roasted. Others said that they hadn't paid fifty cents to get covered with + cinders, and there were still others who hadn't paid fifty cents to get + shaken to death with the propeller. + </p> + <p> + Still, it was all right presently. The people seemed to get sorted out + into the places on the boat where they belonged. The women, the older + ones, all gravitated into the cabin on the lower deck and by getting round + the table with needlework, and with all the windows shut, they soon had + it, as they said themselves, just like being at home. + </p> + <p> + All the young boys and the toughs and the men in the band got down on the + lower deck forward, where the boat was dirtiest and where the anchor was + and the coils of rope. + </p> + <p> + And upstairs on the after deck there were Lilian Drone and Miss Lawson, + the high school teacher, with a book of German poetry,—Gothey I + think it was,—and the bank teller and the younger men. + </p> + <p> + In the centre, standing beside the rail, were Dean Drone and Dr. + Gallagher, looking through binocular glasses at the shore. + </p> + <p> + Up in front on the little deck forward of the pilot house was a group of + the older men, Mullins and Duff and Mr. Smith in a deck chair, and beside + him Mr. Golgotha Gingham, the undertaker of Mariposa, on a stool. It was + part of Mr. Gingham's principles to take in an outing of this sort, a + business matter, more or less,—for you never know what may happen at + these water parties. At any rate, he was there in a neat suit of black, + not, of course, his heavier or professional suit, but a soft clinging + effect as of burnt paper that combined gaiety and decorum to a nicety. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," said Mr. Gingham, waving his black glove in a general way towards + the shore, "I know the lake well, very well. I've been pretty much all + over it in my time." + </p> + <p> + "Canoeing?" asked somebody. + </p> + <p> + "No," said Mr. Gingham, "not in a canoe." There seemed a peculiar and + quiet meaning in his tone. + </p> + <p> + "Sailing, I suppose," said somebody else. + </p> + <p> + "No," said Mr. Gingham. "I don't understand it." + </p> + <p> + "I never knowed that you went on to the water at all, Gol," said Mr. + Smith, breaking in. + </p> + <p> + "Ah, not now," explained Mr. Gingham; "it was years ago, the first summer + I came to Mariposa. I was on the water practically all day. Nothing like + it to give a man an appetite and keep him in shape." + </p> + <p> + "Was you camping?" asked Mr. Smith. + </p> + <p> + "We camped at night," assented the undertaker, "but we put in practically + the whole day on the water. You see we were after a party that had come up + here from the city on his vacation and gone out in a sailing canoe. We + were dragging. We were up every morning at sunrise, lit a fire on the + beach and cooked breakfast, and then we'd light our pipes and be off with + the net for a whole day. It's a great life," concluded Mr. Gingham + wistfully. + </p> + <p> + "Did you get him?" asked two or three together. + </p> + <p> + There was a pause before Mr. Gingham answered. + </p> + <p> + "We did," he said,—"down in the reeds past Horseshoe Point. But it + was no use. He turned blue on me right away." + </p> + <p> + After which Mr. Gingham fell into such a deep reverie that the boat had + steamed another half mile down the lake before anybody broke the silence + again. + </p> + <p> + Talk of this sort,—and after all what more suitable for a day on the + water?—beguiled the way. + </p> + <p> + Down the lake, mile by mile over the calm water, steamed the Mariposa + Belle. They passed Poplar Point where the high sand-banks are with all the + swallows' nests in them, and Dean Drone and Dr. Gallagher looked at them + alternately through the binocular glasses, and it was wonderful how + plainly one could see the swallows and the banks and the shrubs,—just + as plainly as with the naked eye. + </p> + <p> + And a little further down they passed the Shingle Beach, and Dr. + Gallagher, who knew Canadian history, said to Dean Drone that it was + strange to think that Champlain had landed there with his French explorers + three hundred years ago; and Dean Drone, who didn't know Canadian history, + said it was stranger still to think that the hand of the Almighty had + piled up the hills and rocks long before that; and Dr. Gallagher said it + was wonderful how the French had found their way through such a pathless + wilderness; and Dean Drone said that it was wonderful also to think that + the Almighty had placed even the smallest shrub in its appointed place. + Dr. Gallagher said it filled him with admiration. Dean Drone said it + filled him with awe. Dr. Gallagher said he'd been full of it ever since he + was a boy; and Dean Drone said so had he. + </p> + <p> + Then a little further, as the Mariposa Belle steamed on down the lake, + they passed the Old Indian Portage where the great grey rocks are; and Dr. + Gallagher drew Dean Drone's attention to the place where the narrow canoe + track wound up from the shore to the woods, and Dean Drone said he could + see it perfectly well without the glasses. + </p> + <p> + Dr. Gallagher said that it was just here that a party of five hundred + French had made their way with all their baggage and accoutrements across + the rocks of the divide and down to the Great Bay. And Dean Drone said + that it reminded him of Xenophon leading his ten thousand Greeks over the + hill passes of Armenia down to the sea. Dr. Gallagher said the he had + often wished he could have seen and spoken to Champlain, and Dean Drone + said how much he regretted to have never known Xenophon. + </p> + <p> + And then after that they fell to talking of relics and traces of the past, + and Dr. Gallagher said that if Dean Drone would come round to his house + some night he would show him some Indian arrow heads that he had dug up in + his garden. And Dean Drone said that if Dr. Gallagher would come round to + the rectory any afternoon he would show him a map of Xerxes' invasion of + Greece. Only he must come some time between the Infant Class and the + Mothers' Auxiliary. + </p> + <p> + So presently they both knew that they were blocked out of one another's + houses for some time to come, and Dr. Gallagher walked forward and told + Mr. Smith, who had never studied Greek, about Champlain crossing the rock + divide. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith turned his head and looked at the divide for half a second and + then said he had crossed a worse one up north back of the Wahnipitae and + that the flies were Hades,—and then went on playing freezeout poker + with the two juniors in Duff's bank. + </p> + <p> + So Dr. Gallagher realized that that's always the way when you try to tell + people things, and that as far as gratitude and appreciation goes one + might as well never read books or travel anywhere or do anything. + </p> + <p> + In fact, it was at this very moment that he made up his mind to give the + arrows to the Mariposa Mechanics' Institute,—they afterwards became, + as you know, the Gallagher Collection. But, for the time being, the doctor + was sick of them and wandered off round the boat and watched Henry Mullins + showing George Duff how to make a John Collins without lemons, and finally + went and sat down among the Mariposa band and wished that he hadn't come. + </p> + <p> + So the boat steamed on and the sun rose higher and higher, and the + freshness of the morning changed into the full glare of noon, and they + went on to where the lake began to narrow in at its foot, just where the + Indian's Island is, all grass and trees and with a log wharf running into + the water: Below it the Lower Ossawippi runs out of the lake, and quite + near are the rapids, and you can see down among the trees the red brick of + the power house and hear the roar of the leaping water. + </p> + <p> + The Indian's Island itself is all covered with trees and tangled vines, + and the water about it is so still that it's all reflected double and + looks the same either way up. Then when the steamer's whistle blows as it + comes into the wharf, you hear it echo among the trees of the island, and + reverberate back from the shores of the lake. + </p> + <p> + The scene is all so quiet and still and unbroken, that Miss Cleghorn,—the + sallow girl in the telephone exchange, that I spoke of—said she'd + like to be buried there. But all the people were so busy getting their + baskets and gathering up their things that no one had time to attend to + it. + </p> + <p> + I mustn't even try to describe the landing and the boat crunching against + the wooden wharf and all the people running to the same side of the deck + and Christie Johnson calling out to the crowd to keep to the starboard and + nobody being able to find it. Everyone who has been on a Mariposa + excursion knows all about that. + </p> + <p> + Nor can I describe the day itself and the picnic under the trees. 'There + were speeches afterwards, and Judge Pepperleigh gave such offence by + bringing in Conservative politics that a man called Patriotus Canadiensis + wrote and asked for some of the invaluable space of the Mariposa + Times-Herald and exposed it. + </p> + <p> + I should say that there were races too, on the grass on the open side of + the island, graded mostly according to ages, races for boys under thirteen + and girls over nineteen and all that sort of thing. Sports are generally + conducted on that plan in Mariposa. It is realized that a woman of sixty + has an unfair advantage over a mere child. + </p> + <p> + Dean Drone managed the races and decided the ages and gave out the prizes; + the Wesleyan minister helped, and he and the young student, who was + relieving in the Presbyterian Church, held the string at the winning + point. + </p> + <p> + They had to get mostly clergymen for the races because all the men had + wandered off, somehow, to where they were drinking lager beer out of two + kegs stuck on pine logs among the trees. + </p> + <p> + But if you've ever been on a Mariposa excursion you know all about these + details anyway. + </p> + <p> + So the day wore on and presently the sun came through the trees on a slant + and the steamer whistle blew with a great puff of white steam and all the + people came straggling down to the wharf and pretty soon the Mariposa + Belle had floated out on to the lake again and headed for the town, twenty + miles away. + </p> + <p> + I suppose you have often noticed the contrast there is between an + excursion on its way out in the morning and what it looks like on the way + home. + </p> + <p> + In the morning everybody is so restless and animated and moves to and fro + all over the boat and asks questions. But coming home, as the afternoon + gets later and the sun sinks beyond the hills, all the people seem to get + so still and quiet and drowsy. + </p> + <p> + So it was with the people on the Mariposa Belle. They sat there on the + benches and the deck chairs in little clusters, and listened to the + regular beat of the propeller and almost dozed off asleep as they sat. + Then when the sun set and the dusk drew on, it grew almost dark on the + deck and so still that you could hardly tell there was anyone on board. + </p> + <p> + And if you had looked at the steamer from the shore or from one of the + islands, you'd have seen the row of lights from the cabin windows shining + on the water and the red glare of the burning hemlock from the funnel, and + you'd have heard the soft thud of the propeller miles away over the lake. + </p> + <p> + Now and then, too, you could have heard them singing on the steamer,—the + voices of the girls and the men blended into unison by the distance, + rising and falling in long-drawn melody: "O—Can-a-da—O—Can-a-da." + </p> + <p> + You may talk as you will about the intoning choirs of your European + cathedrals, but the sound of "O—Can-a-da," borne across the waters + of a silent lake at evening is good enough for those of us who know + Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + I think that it was just as they were singing like this: "O—Can-a-da," + that word went round that the boat was sinking. + </p> + <p> + If you have ever been in any sudden emergency on the water, you will + understand the strange psychology of it,—the way in which what is + happening seems to become known all in a moment without a word being said. + The news is transmitted from one to the other by some mysterious process. + </p> + <p> + At any rate, on the Mariposa Belle first one and then the other heard that + the steamer was sinking. As far as I could ever learn the first of it was + that George Duff, the bank manager, came very quietly to Dr. Gallagher and + asked him if he thought that the boat was sinking. The doctor said no, + that he had thought so earlier in the day but that he didn't now think + that she was. + </p> + <p> + After that Duff, according to his own account, had said to Macartney, the + lawyer, that the boat was sinking, and Macartney said that he doubted it + very much. + </p> + <p> + Then somebody came to Judge Pepperleigh and woke him up and said that + there was six inches of water in the steamer and that she was sinking. And + Pepperleigh said it was perfect scandal and passed the news on to his wife + and she said that they had no business to allow it and that if the steamer + sank that was the last excursion she'd go on. + </p> + <p> + So the news went all round the boat and everywhere the people gathered in + groups and talked about it in the angry and excited way that people have + when a steamer is sinking on one of the lakes like Lake Wissanotti. + </p> + <p> + Dean Drone, of course, and some others were quieter about it, and said + that one must make allowances and that naturally there were two sides to + everything. But most of them wouldn't listen to reason at all. I think, + perhaps, that some of them were frightened. You see the last time but one + that the steamer had sunk, there had been a man drowned and it made them + nervous. + </p> + <p> + What? Hadn't I explained about the depth of Lake Wissanotti? I had taken + it for granted that you knew; and in any case parts of it are deep enough, + though I don't suppose in this stretch of it from the big reed beds up to + within a mile of the town wharf, you could find six feet of water in it if + you tried. Oh, pshaw! I was not talking about a steamer sinking in the + ocean and carrying down its screaming crowds of people into the hideous + depths of green water. Oh, dear me no! That kind of thing never happens on + Lake Wissanotti. + </p> + <p> + But what does happen is that the Mariposa Belle sinks every now and then, + and sticks there on the bottom till they get things straightened up. + </p> + <p> + On the lakes round Mariposa, if a person arrives late anywhere and + explains that the steamer sank, everybody understands the situation. + </p> + <p> + You see when Harland and Wolff built the Mariposa Belle, they left some + cracks in between the timbers that you fill up with cotton waste every + Sunday. If this is not attended to, the boat sinks. In fact, it is part of + the law of the province that all the steamers like the Mariposa Belle must + be properly corked,—I think that is the word,—every season. + There are inspectors who visit all the hotels in the province to see that + it is done. + </p> + <p> + So you can imagine now that I've explained it a little straighter, the + indignation of the people when they knew that the boat had come uncorked + and that they might be stuck out there on a shoal or a mud-bank half the + night. + </p> + <p> + I don't say either that there wasn't any danger; anyway, it doesn't feel + very safe when you realize that the boat is settling down with every + hundred yards that she goes, and you look over the side and see only the + black water in the gathering night. + </p> + <p> + Safe! I'm not sure now that I come to think of it that it isn't worse than + sinking in the Atlantic. After all, in the Atlantic there is wireless + telegraphy, and a lot of trained sailors and stewards. But out on Lake + Wissanotti,—far out, so that you can only just see the lights of the + town away off to the south,—when the propeller comes to a stop,—and + you can hear the hiss of steam as they start to rake out the engine fires + to prevent an explosion,—and when you turn from the red glare that + comes from the furnace doors as they open them, to the black dark that is + gathering over the lake,—and there's a night wind beginning to run + among the rushes,—and you see the men going forward to the roof of + the pilot house to send up the rockets to rouse the town, safe? Safe + yourself, if you like; as for me, let me once get back into Mariposa + again, under the night shadow of the maple trees, and this shall be the + last, last time I'll go on Lake Wissanotti. + </p> + <p> + Safe! Oh yes! Isn't it strange how safe other people's adventures seem + after they happen? But you'd have been scared, too, if you'd been there + just before the steamer sank, and seen them bringing up all the women on + to the top deck. + </p> + <p> + I don't see how some of the people took it so calmly; how Mr. Smith, for + instance, could have gone on smoking and telling how he'd had a steamer + "sink on him" on Lake Nipissing and a still bigger one, a side-wheeler, + sink on him in Lake Abbitibbi. + </p> + <p> + Then, quite suddenly, with a quiver, down she went. You could feel the + boat sink, sink,—down, down,—would it never get to the bottom? + The water came flush up to the lower deck, and then,—thank heaven,—the + sinking stopped and there was the Mariposa Belle safe and tight on a reed + bank. + </p> + <p> + Really, it made one positively laugh! It seemed so queer and, anyway, if a + man has a sort of natural courage, danger makes him laugh. Danger! pshaw! + fiddlesticks! everybody scouted the idea. Why, it is just the little + things like this that give zest to a day on the water. + </p> + <p> + Within half a minute they were all running round looking for sandwiches + and cracking jokes and talking of making coffee over the remains of the + engine fires. + </p> + <p> + I don't need to tell at length how it all happened after that. + </p> + <p> + I suppose the people on the Mariposa Belle would have had to settle down + there all night or till help came from the town, but some of the men who + had gone forward and were peering out into the dark said that it couldn't + be more than a mile across the water to Miller's Point. You could almost + see it over there to the left,—some of them, I think, said "off on + the port bow," because you know when you get mixed up in these marine + disasters, you soon catch the atmosphere of the thing. + </p> + <p> + So pretty soon they had the davits swung out over the side and were + lowering the old lifeboat from the top deck into the water. + </p> + <p> + There were men leaning out over the rail of the Mariposa Belle with + lanterns that threw the light as they let her down, and the glare fell on + the water and the reeds. But when they got the boat lowered, it looked + such a frail, clumsy thing as one saw it from the rail above, that the cry + was raised: "Women and children first!" For what was the sense, if it + should turn out that the boat wouldn't even hold women and children, of + trying to jam a lot of heavy men into it? + </p> + <p> + So they put in mostly women and children and the boat pushed out into the + darkness so freighted down it would hardly float. + </p> + <p> + In the bow of it was the Presbyterian student who was relieving the + minister, and he called out that they were in the hands of Providence. But + he was crouched and ready to spring out of them at the first moment. + </p> + <p> + So the boat went and was lost in the darkness except for the lantern in + the bow that you could see bobbing on the water. Then presently it came + back and they sent another load, till pretty soon the decks began to thin + out and everybody got impatient to be gone. + </p> + <p> + It was about the time that the third boat-load put off that Mr. Smith took + a bet with Mullins for twenty-five dollars, that he'd be home in Mariposa + before the people in the boats had walked round the shore. + </p> + <p> + No one knew just what he meant, but pretty soon they saw Mr. Smith + disappear down below into the lowest part of the steamer with a mallet in + one hand and a big bundle of marline in the other. + </p> + <p> + They might have wondered more about it, but it was just at this time that + they heard the shouts from the rescue boat—the big Mackinaw lifeboat—that + had put out from the town with fourteen men at the sweeps when they saw + the first rockets go up. + </p> + <p> + I suppose there is always something inspiring about a rescue at sea, or on + the water. + </p> + <p> + After all, the bravery of the lifeboat man is the true bravery,—expended + to save life, not to destroy it. + </p> + <p> + Certainly they told for months after of how the rescue boat came out to + the Mariposa Belle. + </p> + <p> + I suppose that when they put her in the water the lifeboat touched it for + the first time since the old Macdonald Government placed her on Lake + Wissanotti. + </p> + <p> + Anyway, the water poured in at every seam. But not for a moment,—even + with two miles of water between them and the steamer,—did the rowers + pause for that. + </p> + <p> + By the time they were half-way there the water was almost up to the + thwarts, but they drove her on. Panting and exhausted (for mind you, if + you haven't been in a fool boat like that for years, rowing takes it out + of you), the rowers stuck to their task. They threw the ballast over and + chucked into the water the heavy cork jackets and lifebelts that + encumbered their movements. There was no thought of turning back. They + were nearer to the steamer than the shore. + </p> + <p> + "Hang to it, boys," called the crowd from the steamer's deck, and hang + they did. + </p> + <p> + They were almost exhausted when they got them; men leaning from the + steamer threw them ropes and one by one every man was hauled aboard just + as the lifeboat sank under their feet. + </p> + <p> + Saved! by Heaven, saved, by one of the smartest pieces of rescue work ever + seen on the lake. + </p> + <p> + There's no use describing it; you need to see rescue work of this kind by + lifeboats to understand it. + </p> + <p> + Nor were the lifeboat crew the only ones that distinguished themselves. + </p> + <p> + Boat after boat and canoe after canoe had put out from Mariposa to the + help of the steamer. They got them all. + </p> + <p> + Pupkin, the other bank teller, with a face like a horse, who hadn't gone + on the excursion,—as soon as he knew that the boat was signalling + for help and that Miss Lawson was sending up rockets,—rushed for a + row boat, grabbed an oar (two would have hampered him), and paddled madly + out into the lake. He struck right out into the dark with the crazy skiff + almost sinking beneath his feet. But they got him. They rescued him. They + watched him, almost dead with exhaustion, make his way to the steamer, + where he was hauled up with ropes. Saved! Saved!! + </p> + <p> + They might have gone on that way half the night, picking up the rescuers, + only, at the very moment when the tenth load of people left for the shore,—just + as suddenly and saucily as you please, up came the Mariposa Belle from the + mud bottom and floated. + </p> + <p> + FLOATED? + </p> + <p> + Why, of course she did. If you take a hundred and fifty people off a + steamer that has sunk, and if you get a man as shrewd as Mr. Smith to plug + the timber seams with mallet and marline, and if you turn ten bandsmen of + the Mariposa band on to your hand pump on the bow of the lower decks—float? + why, what else can she do? + </p> + <p> + Then, if you stuff in hemlock into the embers of the fire that you were + raking out, till it hums and crackles under the boiler, it won't be long + before you hear the propeller thud thudding at the stern again, and before + the long roar of the steam whistle echoes over to the town. + </p> + <p> + And so the Mariposa Belle, with all steam up again and with the long train + of sparks careering from the funnel, is heading for the town. + </p> + <p> + But no Christie Johnson at the wheel in the pilot house this time. + </p> + <p> + "Smith! Get Smith!" is the cry. + </p> + <p> + Can he take her in? Well, now! Ask a man who has had steamers sink on him + in half the lakes from Temiscaming to the Bay, if he can take her in? Ask + a man who has run a York boat down the rapids of the Moose when the ice is + moving, if he can grip the steering wheel of the Mariposa Belle? So there + she steams safe and sound to the town wharf! + </p> + <p> + Look at the lights and the crowd! If only the federal census taker could + count us now! Hear them calling and shouting back and forward from the + deck to the shore! Listen! There is the rattle of the shore ropes as they + get them ready, and there's the Mariposa band,—actually forming in a + circle on the upper deck just as she docks, and the leader with his baton,—one—two—ready + now,— + </p> + <p> + "O CAN-A-DA!" <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FOUR. The Ministrations of the Rev. Mr. Drone + </h2> + <p> + The Church of England in Mariposa is on a side street, where the maple + trees are thickest, a little up the hill from the heart of the town. The + trees above the church and the grass plot that was once the cemetery, till + they made the new one (the Necropolis, over the brow of the hill), fill + out the whole corner. Down behind the church, with only the driving shed + and a lane between, is the rectory. It is a little brick house with odd + angles. There is a hedge and a little gate, and a weeping ash tree with + red berries. + </p> + <p> + At the side of the rectory, churchward, is a little grass lawn with low + hedges and at the side of that two wild plum trees, that are practically + always in white blossom. Underneath them is a rustic table and chairs, and + it is here that you may see Rural Dean Drone, the incumbent of the Church + of England Church, sitting, in the chequered light of the plum tress that + is neither sun nor shadow. Generally you will find him reading, and when I + tell you that at the end of the grass plot where the hedge is highest + there is a yellow bee hive with seven bees that belong to Dean Drone, you + will realize that it is only fitting that the Dean is reading in the + Greek. For what better could a man be reading beneath the blossom of the + plum trees, within the very sound of the bees, than the Pastorals of + Theocritus? The light trash of modern romance might put a man to sleep in + such a spot, but with such food for reflection as Theocritus, a man may + safely close his eyes and muse on what he reads without fear of dropping + into slumber. + </p> + <p> + Some men, I suppose, terminate their education when they leave their + college. Not so Dean Drone. I have often heard him say that if he couldn't + take a book in the Greek out on the lawn in a spare half hour, he would + feel lost. It's a certain activity of the brain that must be stilled + somehow. The Dean, too, seemed to have a native feeling for the Greek + language. I have often heard people who might sit with him on the lawn, + ask him to translate some of it. But he always refused. One couldn't + translate it, he said. It lost so much in the translation that it was + better not to try. It was far wiser not to attempt it. If you undertook to + translate it, there was something gone, something missing immediately. I + believe that many classical scholars feel this way, and like to read the + Greek just as it is, without the hazard of trying to put it into so poor a + medium as English. So that when Dean Drone said that he simply couldn't + translate it, I believe he was perfectly sincere. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes, indeed, he would read it aloud. That was another matter. + Whenever, for example, Dr. Gallagher—I mean, of course, old Dr. + Gallagher, not the young doctor (who was always out in the country in the + afternoon)—would come over and bring his latest Indian relics to + show to the Dean, the latter always read to him a passage or two. As soon + as the doctor laid his tomahawk on the table, the Dean would reach for his + Theocritus. I remember that on the day when Dr. Gallagher brought over the + Indian skull that they had dug out of the railway embankment, and placed + it on the rustic table, the Dean read to him so long from Theocritus that + the doctor, I truly believe, dozed off in his chair. The Dean had to wait + and fold his hands with the book across his knee, and close his eyes till + the doctor should wake up again. And the skull was on the table between + them, and from above the plum blossoms fluttered down, till they made + flakes on it as white as Dr. Gallagher's hair. + </p> + <p> + I don't want you to suppose that the Rev. Mr. Drone spent the whole of his + time under the trees. Not at all. In point of fact, the rector's life was + one round of activity which lie himself might deplore but was powerless to + prevent. He had hardly sat down beneath the trees of an afternoon after + his mid-day meal when there was the Infant Class at three, and after that, + with scarcely an hour between, the Mothers' Auxiliary at five, and the + next morning the Book Club, and that evening the Bible Study Class, and + the next morning the Early Workers' Guild at eleven-thirty. The whole week + was like that, and if one found time to sit down for an hour or so to + recuperate it was the most one could do. After all, if a busy man spends + the little bit of leisure that he gets in advanced classical study, there + is surely no harm in it. I suppose, take it all in all, there wasn't a + busier man than the Rural Dean among the Anglican clergy of the diocese. + </p> + <p> + If the Dean ever did snatch a half-day from his incessant work, he spent + it in fishing. But not always that, for as likely as not, instead of + taking a real holiday he would put in the whole afternoon amusing the + children and the boys that he knew, by making kites and toys and clockwork + steamboats for them. + </p> + <p> + It was fortunate for the Dean that he had the strange interest and + aptitude for mechanical advices which he possessed, or otherwise this kind + of thing would have been too cruel an imposition. But the Rev. Mr. Drone + had a curious liking for machinery. I think I never heard him preach a + better sermon than the one on Aeroplanes (Lo, what now see you on high + Jeremiah Two). + </p> + <p> + So it was that he spent two whole days making a kite with Chinese wings + for Teddy Moore, the photographer's son, and closed down the infant class + for forty-eight hours so that Teddy Moore should not miss the pleasure of + flying it, or rather seeing it flown. It is foolish to trust a Chinese + kite to the hands of a young child. + </p> + <p> + In the same way the Dean made a mechanical top for little Marjorie + Trewlaney, the cripple, to see spun: it would have been unwise to allow + the afflicted girl to spin it. There was no end to the things that Mr. + Drone could make, and always for the children. Even when he was making the + sand-clock for poor little Willie Yodel (who died, you know) the Dean went + right on with it and gave it to another child with just the same pleasure. + Death, you know, to the clergy is a different thing from what it is to us. + The Dean and Mr. Gingham used often to speak of it as they walked through + the long grass of the new cemetery, the Necropolis. And when your Sunday + walk is to your wife's grave, as the Dean's was, perhaps it seems + different to anybody. + </p> + <p> + The Church of England Church, I said; stood close to the rectory, a tall, + sweeping church, and inside a great reach of polished cedar beams that ran + to the point of the roof. There used to stand on the same spot the little + stone church that all the grown-up people in Mariposa still remember, a + quaint little building in red and grey stone. About it was the old + cemetery, but that was all smoothed out later into the grass plot round + the new church, and the headstones laid out flat, and no new graves have + been put there for ever so long. But the Mariposa children still walk + round and read the headstones lying flat in the grass and look for the old + ones,—because some of them are ever so old—forty or fifty + years back. + </p> + <p> + Nor are you to think from all this that the Dean was not a man with + serious perplexities. You could easily convince yourself of the contrary. + For if you watched the Rev. Mr. Drone as he sat reading in the Greek, you + would notice that no very long period every passed without his taking up a + sheet or two of paper that lay between the leaves of the Theocritus and + that were covered close with figures. + </p> + <p> + And these the Dean would lay upon the rustic table, and he would add them + up forwards and backwards, going first up the column and then down it to + see that nothing had been left out, and then down it again to see what it + was that must have been left out. + </p> + <p> + Mathematics, you will understand, were not the Dean's forte. They never + were the forte of the men who had been trained at the little Anglican + college with the clipped hedges and the cricket ground, where Rupert Drone + had taken the gold medal in Greek fifty-two years ago. You will see the + medal at any time lying there in its open box on the rectory table, in + case of immediate need. Any of the Drone girls, Lilian, or Jocelyn, or + Theodora, would show it to you. But, as I say, mathematics were not the + rector's forte, and he blamed for it (in a Christian spirit, you will + understand) the memory of his mathematical professor, and often he spoke + with great bitterness. I have often heard him say that in his opinion the + colleges ought to dismiss, of course in a Christian spirit, all the + professors who are not, in the most reverential sense of the term, fit for + their jobs. + </p> + <p> + No doubt many of the clergy of the diocese had suffered more or less just + as the Dean had from lack of mathematical training. But the Dean always + felt that his own case was especially to be lamented. For you see, if a + man is trying to make a model aeroplane—for a poor family in the + lower part of the town—and he is brought to a stop by the need of + reckoning the coefficient of torsion of cast-iron rods, it shows plainly + enough that the colleges are not truly filling their divine mission. + </p> + <p> + But the figures that I speak of were not those of the model aeroplane. + These were far more serious. Night and day they had been with the rector + now for the best part of ten years, and they grew, if anything, more + intricate. + </p> + <p> + If, for example, you try to reckon the debt of a church—a large + church with a great sweep of polished cedar beams inside, for the special + glorification of the All Powerful, and with imported tiles on the roof for + the greater glory of Heaven and with stained-glass windows for the + exaltation of the All Seeing—if, I say, you try to reckon up the + debt on such a church and figure out its interest and its present worth, + less a fixed annual payment, it makes a pretty complicated sum. Then if + you try to add to this the annual cost of insurance, and deduct from it + three-quarters of a stipend, year by year, and then suddenly remember that + three-quarters is too much, because you have forgotten the boarding-school + fees of the littlest of the Drones (including French, as an extra—she + must have it, all the older girls did), you have got a sum that pretty + well defies ordinary arithmetic. The provoking part of it was that the + Dean knew perfectly well that with the help of logarithms he could have + done the thing in a moment. But at the Anglican college they had stopped + short at that very place in the book. They had simply explained that Logos + was a word and Arithmos a number, which at the time, seemed amply + sufficient. + </p> + <p> + So the Dean was perpetually taking out his sheets of figures, and adding + them upwards and downwards, and they never came the same. Very often Mr. + Gingham, who was a warden, would come and sit beside the rector and ponder + over the figures, and Mr. Drone would explain that with a book of + logarithms you could work it out in a moment. You would simply open the + book and run your finger up the columns (he illustrated exactly the way in + which the finger was moved), and there you were. Mr. Gingham said that it + was a caution, and that logarithms (I quote his exact phrase) must be a + terror. + </p> + <p> + Very often, too, Nivens, the lawyer, who was a sidesman, and Mullins, the + manager of the Exchange Bank, who was the chairman of the vestry, would + come and take a look, at the figures. But they never could make much of + them, because the stipend part was not a matter that one could discuss. + </p> + <p> + Mullins would notice the item for a hundred dollars due on fire insurance + and would say; as a business man, that surely that couldn't be fire + insurance, and the Dean would say surely not, and change it: and Mullins + would say surely there couldn't be fifty dollars for taxes, because there + weren't any taxes, and the Dean would admit that of course it couldn't be + for the taxes. In fact, the truth is that the Dean's figures were badly + mixed, and the fault lay indubitably with the mathematical professor of + two generations back. + </p> + <p> + It was always Mullins's intention some day to look into the finances of + the church, the more so as his father had been with Dean Drone at the + little Anglican college with the cricket ground. But he was a busy man. As + he explained to the rector himself, the banking business nowadays is + getting to be such that a banker can hardly call even his Sunday mornings + his own. Certainly Henry Mullins could not. They belonged largely to + Smith's Hotel, and during the fishing season they belonged away down the + lake, so far away that practically no one, unless it was George Duff of + the Commercial Bank, could see them. + </p> + <p> + But to think that all this trouble had come through the building of the + new church. + </p> + <p> + That was the bitterness of it. + </p> + <p> + For the twenty-five years that Rural Dean Drone had preached in the little + stone church, it had been his one aim, as he often put it in his sermons, + to rear a larger Ark in Gideon. His one hope had been to set up a greater + Evidence, or, very simply stated, to kindle a Brighter Beacon. + </p> + <p> + After twenty-five years of waiting, he had been able at last to kindle it. + Everybody in Mariposa remembers the building of the church. First of all + they had demolished the little stone church to make way for the newer + Evidence. It seemed almost a sacrilege, as the Dean himself said, to lay + hands on it. Indeed it was at first proposed to take the stone of it and + build it into a Sunday School, as a lesser testimony. Then, when that + provided impracticable, it was suggested that the stone be reverently + fashioned into a wall that should stand as a token. And when even that + could not be managed, the stone of the little church was laid reverently + into a stone pile; afterwards it was devoutly sold to a building + contractor, and, like so much else in life, was forgotten. + </p> + <p> + But the building of the church, no one, I think, will forget. The Dean + threw himself into the work. With his coat off and his white shirt-sleeves + conspicuous among the gang that were working at the foundations, he set + his hand to the shovel, himself guided the road-scraper, urging on the + horses; cheering and encouraging the men, till they begged him to desist. + He mingled with the stone-masons, advising, helping, and giving counsel, + till they pleaded with him to rest. He was among the carpenters, sawing, + hammering, enquiring, suggesting, till they besought him to lay off. And + he was night and day with the architect's assistants, drawing, planning, + revising, till the architect told him to cut it out. + </p> + <p> + So great was his activity, that I doubt whether the new church would ever + have been finished, had not the wardens and the vestry men insisted that + Mr. Drone must take a holiday, and sent him on the Mackinaw trip up the + lakes,—the only foreign travel of the Dean's life. + </p> + <p> + So in due time the New Church was built and it towered above the maple + trees of Mariposa like a beacon on a hill. It stood so high that from the + open steeple of it, where the bells were, you could see all the town lying + at its feet, and the farmsteads to the south of it, and the railway like a + double pencil line, and Lake Wissanotti spread out like a map. You could + see and appreciate things from the height of the new church,—such as + the size and the growing wealth of Mariposa,—that you never could + have seen from the little stone church at all. + </p> + <p> + Presently the church was opened and the Dean preached his first sermon in + it, and he called it a Greater Testimony, and he said that it was an + earnest, or first fruit of endeavour, and that it was a token or pledge, + and he named it also a covenant. He said, too, that it was an anchorage + and a harbour and a lighthouse as well as being a city set upon a hill; + and he ended by declaring it an Ark of Refuge and notified them that the + Bible Class would meet in the basement of it on that and every other third + Wednesday. + </p> + <p> + In the opening months of preaching about it the Dean had called the church + so often an earnest and a pledge and a guerdon and a tabernacle, that I + think he used to forget that it wasn't paid for. It was only when the + agent of the building society and a representative of the Hosanna Pipe and + Steam Organ Co. (Limited), used to call for quarterly payments that he was + suddenly reminded of the fact. Always after these men came round the Dean + used to preach a special sermon on sin, in the course of which he would + mention that the ancient Hebrews used to put unjust traders to death,—a + thing of which he spoke with Christian serenity. + </p> + <p> + I don't think that at first anybody troubled much about the debt on the + church. Dean Drone's figures showed that it was only a matter of time + before it would be extinguished; only a little effort was needed, a little + girding up of the loins of the congregation and they could shoulder the + whole debt and trample it under their feet. Let them but set their hands + to the plough and they could soon guide it into the deep water. Then they + might furl their sails and sit every man under his own olive tree. + </p> + <p> + Meantime, while the congregation was waiting to gird up its loins, the + interest on the debt was paid somehow, or, when it wasn't paid, was added + to the principal. + </p> + <p> + I don't know whether you have had any experience with Greater Testimonies + and with Beacons set on Hills. If you have, you will realize how, at first + gradually, and then rapidly, their position from year to year grows more + distressing. What with the building loan and the organ instalment, and the + fire insurance,—a cruel charge,—and the heat and light, the + rector began to realize as he added up the figures that nothing but + logarithms could solve them. Then the time came when not only the rector, + but all the wardens knew and the sidesmen knew that the debt was more than + the church could carry; then the choir knew and the congregation knew and + at last everybody knew; and there were special collections at Easter and + special days of giving, and special weeks of tribulation, and special + arrangements with the Hosanna Pipe and Steam Organ Co. And it was noticed + that when the Rural Dean announced a service of Lenten Sorrow,—aimed + more especially at the business men,—the congregation had diminished + by forty per cent. + </p> + <p> + I suppose things are just the same elsewhere,—I mean the peculiar + kind of discontent that crept into the Church of England congregation in + Mariposa after the setting up of the Beacon. There were those who claimed + that they had seen the error from the first, though they had kept quiet, + as such people always do, from breadth of mind. There were those who had + felt years before how it would end, but their lips were sealed from + humility of spirit. What was worse was that there were others who grew + dissatisfied with the whole conduct of the church. + </p> + <p> + Yodel, the auctioneer, for example, narrated how he had been to the city + and had gone into a service of the Roman Catholic church: I believe, to + state it more fairly, he had "dropped in,"—the only recognized means + of access to such a service. He claimed that the music that he had heard + there was music, and that (outside of his profession) the chanting and + intoning could not be touched. + </p> + <p> + Ed Moore, the photographer, also related that he had listened to a sermon + in the city, and that if anyone would guarantee him a sermon like that he + would defy you to keep him away from church. Meanwhile, failing the + guarantee, he stayed away. + </p> + <p> + The very doctrines were impeached. Some of the congregation began to cast + doubts on eternal punishment,—doubts so grave as to keep them absent + from the Lenten Services of Sorrow. Indeed, Lawyer Macartney took up the + whole question of the Athanasian Creed one afternoon with Joe Milligan, + the dentist, and hardly left a clause of it intact. + </p> + <p> + All this time, you will understand, Dean Drone kept on with his special + services, and leaflets, calls, and appeals went out from the Ark of Gideon + like rockets from a sinking ship. More and more with every month the debt + of the church lay heavy on his mind. At times he forgot it. At other times + he woke up in the night and thought about it. Sometimes as he went down + the street from the lighted precincts of the Greater Testimony and passed + the Salvation Army, praying around a naphtha lamp under the open sky, it + smote him to the heart with a stab. + </p> + <p> + But the congregation were wrong, I think, in imputing fault to the sermons + of Dean Drone. There I do think they were wrong. I can speak from personal + knowledge when I say that the rector's sermons were not only stimulating + in matters of faith, but contained valuable material in regard to the + Greek language, to modern machinery and to a variety of things that should + have proved of the highest advantage to the congregation. + </p> + <p> + There was, I say, the Greek language. The Dean always showed the greatest + delicacy of feeling in regard to any translation in or out of it that he + made from the pulpit. He was never willing to accept even the faintest + shade of rendering different from that commonly given without being + assured of the full concurrence of the congregation. Either the + translation must be unanimous and without contradiction, or he could not + pass it. He would pause in his sermon and would say: "The original Greek + is 'Hoson,' but perhaps you will allow me to translate it as equivalent to + 'Hoyon.'" And they did. So that if there was any fault to be found it was + purely on the side of the congregation for not entering a protest at the + time. + </p> + <p> + It was the same way in regard to machinery. After all, what better + illustrates the supreme purpose of the All Wise than such a thing as the + dynamo or the reciprocating marine engine or the pictures in the + Scientific American? + </p> + <p> + Then, too, if a man has had the opportunity to travel and has seen the + great lakes spread out by the hand of Providence from where one leaves the + new dock at the Sound to where one arrives safe and thankful with one's + dear fellow-passengers in the spirit at the concrete landing stage at + Mackinaw—is not this fit and proper material for the construction of + an analogy or illustration? Indeed, even apart from an analogy, is it not + mighty interesting to narrate, anyway? In any case, why should the + church-wardens have sent the rector on the Mackinaw trip, if they had not + expected him to make some little return for it? + </p> + <p> + I lay some stress on this point because the criticisms directed against + the Mackinaw sermons always seemed so unfair. If the rector had described + his experiences in the crude language of the ordinary newspaper, there + might, I admit, have been something unfitting about it. But he was always + careful to express himself in a way that showed,—or, listen, let me + explain with an example. + </p> + <p> + "It happened to be my lot some years ago," he would say, "to find myself a + voyager, just as one is a voyager on the sea of life, on the broad expanse + of water which has been spread out to the north-west of us by the hand of + Providence, at a height of five hundred and eighty-one feet above the + level of the sea,—I refer, I may say, to Lake Huron." Now, how + different that is from saying: "I'll never forget the time I went on the + Mackinaw trip." The whole thing has a different sound entirely. In the + same way the Dean would go on: + </p> + <p> + "I was voyaging on one of those magnificent leviathans of the water,—I + refer to the boats of the Northern Navigation Company,—and was + standing beside the forward rail talking with a dear brother in the faith + who was journeying westward also—I may say he was a commercial + traveller,—and beside us was a dear sister in the spirit seated in a + deck chair, while near us were two other dear souls in grace engaged in + Christian pastime on the deck,—I allude more particularly to the + game of deck billiards." + </p> + <p> + I leave it to any reasonable man whether, with that complete and + fair-minded explanation of the environment, it was not perfectly proper to + close down the analogy, as the rector did, with the simple words: "In + fact, it was an extremely fine morning." + </p> + <p> + Yet there were some people, even in Mariposa, that took exception and + spent their Sunday dinner time in making out that they couldn't understand + what Dean Drone was talking about, and asking one another if they knew. + Once, as he passed out from the doors of the Greater Testimony, the rector + heard some one say: "The Church would be all right if that old mugwump was + out of the pulpit." It went to his heart like a barbed thorn, and stayed + there. + </p> + <p> + You know, perhaps, how a remark of that sort can stay and rankle, and make + you wish you could hear it again to make sure of it, because perhaps you + didn't hear it aright, and it was a mistake after all. Perhaps no one said + it, anyway. You ought to have written it down at the time. I have seen the + Dean take down the encyclopaedia in the rectory, and move his finger + slowly down the pages of the letter M, looking for mugwump. But it wasn't + there. I have known him, in his little study upstairs, turn over the pages + of the "Animals of Palestine," looking for a mugwump. But there was none + there. It must have been unknown in the greater days of Judea. + </p> + <p> + So things went on from month to month, and from year to year, and the debt + and the charges loomed like a dark and gathering cloud on the horizon. I + don't mean to say that efforts were not made to face the difficulty and to + fight it. They were. Time after time the workers of the congregation got + together and thought out plans for the extinction of the debt. But + somehow, after every trial, the debt grew larger with each year, and every + system that could be devised turned out more hopeless than the last. + </p> + <p> + They began, I think, with the "endless chain" of letters of appeal. You + may remember the device, for it was all-popular in clerical circles some + ten or fifteen years ago. You got a number of people to write each of them + three letters asking for ten cents from three each of their friends and + asking each of them to send on three similar letters. Three each from + three each, and three each more from each! Do you observe the wonderful + ingenuity of it? Nobody, I think, has forgotten how the Willing Workers of + the Church of England Church of Mariposa sat down in the vestry room in + the basement with a pile of stationery three feet high, sending out the + letters. Some, I know, will never forget it. Certainly not Mr. Pupkin, the + teller in the Exchange Bank, for it was here that he met Zena Pepperleigh, + the judge's daughter, for the first time; and they worked so busily that + they wrote out ever so many letters—eight or nine—in a single + afternoon, and they discovered that their handwritings were awfully alike, + which was one of the most extraordinary and amazing coincidences, you will + admit, in the history of chirography. + </p> + <p> + But the scheme failed—failed utterly. I don't know why. The letters + went out and were copied broadcast and recopied, till you could see the + Mariposa endless chain winding its way towards the Rocky Mountains. But + they never got the ten cents. The Willing Workers wrote for it in + thousands, but by some odd chance they never struck the person who had it. + </p> + <p> + Then after that there came a regular winter of effort. First of all they + had a bazaar that was got up by the Girls' Auxiliary and held in the + basement of the church. All the girls wore special costumes that were + brought up from the city, and they had booths, where there was every + imaginable thing for sale—pincushion covers, and chair covers, and + sofa covers, everything that you can think of. If the people had once + started buying them, the debt would have been lifted in no time. Even as + it was the bazaar only lost twenty dollars. + </p> + <p> + After that, I think, was the magic lantern lecture that Dean Drone gave on + "Italy and her Invaders." They got the lantern and the slides up from the + city, and it was simply splendid. Some of the slides were perhaps a little + confusing, but it was all there,—the pictures of the dense Italian + jungle and the crocodiles and the naked invaders with their invading + clubs. It was a pity that it was such a bad night, snowing hard, and a + curling match on, or they would have made a lot of money out of the + lecture. As it was the loss, apart from the breaking of the lantern, which + was unavoidable, was quite trifling. + </p> + <p> + I can hardly remember all the things that there were after that. I + recollect that it was always Mullins who arranged about renting the hall + and printing the tickets and all that sort of thing. His father, you + remember, had been at the Anglican college with Dean Drone, and though the + rector was thirty-seven years older than Mullins, he leaned upon him, in + matters of business, as upon a staff; and though Mullins was thirty-seven + years younger than the Dean, he leaned against him, in matters of + doctrine, as against a rock. + </p> + <p> + At one time they got the idea that what the public wanted was not anything + instructive but something light and amusing. Mullins said that people + loved to laugh. He said that if you get a lot of people all together and + get them laughing you can do anything you like with them. Once they start + to laugh they are lost. So they got Mr. Dreery, the English Literature + teacher at the high school, to give an evening of readings from the Great + Humorists from Chaucer to Adam Smith. They came mighty near to making a + barrel of money out of that. If the people had once started laughing it + would have been all over with them. As it was I heard a lot of them say + that they simply wanted to scream with laughter: they said they just felt + like bursting into peals of laughter all the time. Even when, in the more + subtle parts, they didn't feel like bursting out laughing, they said they + had all they could do to keep from smiling. They said they never had such + a hard struggle in their lives not to smile. + </p> + <p> + In fact the chairman said when he put the vote of thanks that he was sure + if people had known what the lecture was to be like there would have been + a much better "turn-out." But you see all that the people had to go on was + just the announcement of the name of the lecturer, Mr. Dreery, and that he + would lecture on English Humour All Seats Twenty-five Cents. As the + chairman expressed it himself, if the people had had any idea, any idea at + all, of what the lecture would be like they would have been there in + hundreds. But how could they get an idea that it would be so amusing with + practically nothing to go upon? + </p> + <p> + After that attempt things seemed to go from bad to worse. Nearly everybody + was disheartened about it. What would have happened to the debt, or + whether they would have ever paid it off, is more than I can say, if it + hadn't occurred that light broke in on Mullins in the strangest and most + surprising way you can imagine. It happened that he went away for his bank + holidays, and while he was away he happened to be present in one of the + big cities and saw how they went at it there to raise money. He came home + in such a state of excitement that he went straight up from the Mariposa + station to the rectory, valise and all, and he burst in one April evening + to where the Rural Dean was sitting with the three girls beside the lamp + in the front room, and he cried out: + </p> + <p> + "Mr. Drone, I've got it,—I've got a way that will clear the debt + before you're a fortnight older. We'll have a Whirlwind Campaign in + Mariposa!" + </p> + <p> + But stay! The change from the depth of depression to the pinnacle of hope + is too abrupt. I must pause and tell you in another chapter of the + Whirlwind Campaign in Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FIVE. The Whirlwind Campaign in Mariposa + </h2> + <p> + It was Mullins, the banker, who told Mariposa all about the plan of a + Whirlwind Campaign and explained how it was to be done. He'd happened to + be in one of the big cities when they were raising money by a Whirlwind + Campaign for one of the universities, and he saw it all. + </p> + <p> + He said he would never forget the scene on the last day of it, when the + announcement was made that the total of the money raised was even more + than what was needed. It was a splendid sight,—the business men of + the town all cheering and laughing and shaking hands, and the professors + with the tears streaming down their faces, and the Deans of the Faculties, + who had given money themselves, sobbing aloud. + </p> + <p> + He said it was the most moving thing he ever saw. + </p> + <p> + So, as I said, Henry Mullins, who had seen it, explained to the others how + it was done. He said that first of all a few of the business men got + together quietly,—very quietly, indeed the more quietly the better,—and + talked things over. Perhaps one of them would dine,—just quietly,—with + another one and discuss the situation. Then these two would invite a third + man,—possibly even a fourth,—to have lunch with them and talk + in a general way,—even talk of other things part of the time. And so + on in this way things would be discussed and looked at in different lights + and viewed from different angles and then when everything was ready they + would go at things with a rush. A central committee would be formed and + sub-committees, with captains of each group and recorders and secretaries, + and on a stated day the Whirlwind Campaign would begin. + </p> + <p> + Each day the crowd would all agree to meet at some stated place and each + lunch together,—say at a restaurant or at a club or at some eating + place. This would go on every day with the interest getting keener and + keener, and everybody getting more and more excited, till presently the + chairman would announce that the campaign had succeeded and there would be + the kind of scene that Mullins had described. + </p> + <p> + So that was the plan that they set in motion in Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + I don't wish to say too much about the Whirlwind Campaign itself. I don't + mean to say that it was a failure. On the contrary, in many ways it + couldn't have been a greater success, and yet somehow it didn't seem to + work out just as Henry Mullins had said it would. It may be that there are + differences between Mariposa and the larger cities that one doesn't + appreciate at first sight. Perhaps it would have been better to try some + other plan. + </p> + <p> + Yet they followed along the usual line of things closely enough. They + began with the regular system of some of the business men getting together + in a quiet way. + </p> + <p> + First of all, for example, Henry Mullins came over quietly to Duff's + rooms, over the Commercial Bank, with a bottle of rye whiskey, and they + talked things over. And the night after that George Duff came over quietly + to Mullins's rooms, over the Exchange Bank, with a bottle of Scotch + whiskey. A few evenings after that Mullins and Duff went together, in a + very unostentatious way, with perhaps a couple of bottles of rye, to Pete + Glover's room over the hardware store. And then all three of them went up + one night with Ed Moore, the photographer, to Judge Pepperleigh's house + under pretence of having a game of poker. The very day after that, Mullins + and Duff and Ed Moore, and Pete Glover and the judge got Will Harrison, + the harness maker, to go out without any formality on the lake on the + pretext of fishing. And the next night after that Duff and Mullins and Ed + Moore and Pete Glover and Pepperleigh and Will Harrison got Alf Trelawney, + the postmaster, to come over, just in a casual way, to the Mariposa House, + after the night mail, and the next day Mullins and Duff and— + </p> + <p> + But, pshaw! you see at once how the thing is worked. There's no need to + follow that part of the Whirlwind Campaign further. But it just shows the + power of organization. + </p> + <p> + And all this time, mind you, they were talking things over, and looking at + things first in one light and then in another light,—in fact, just + doing as the big city men do when there's an important thing like this + under way. + </p> + <p> + So after things had been got pretty well into shape in this way, Duff + asked Mullins one night, straight out, if he would be chairman of the + Central Committee. He sprung it on him and Mullins had no time to refuse, + but he put it to Duff straight whether he would be treasurer. And Duff had + no time to refuse. + </p> + <p> + That gave things a start, and within a week they had the whole + organization on foot. There was the Grand Central Committee and six groups + or sub-committees of twenty men each, and a captain for every group. They + had it all arranged on the lines most likely to be effective. + </p> + <p> + In one group there were all the bankers, Mullins and Duff and Pupkin (with + the cameo pin), and about four others. They had their photographs taken at + Ed Moore's studio, taken in a line with a background of icebergs—a + winter scene—and a pretty penetrating crowd they looked, I can tell + you. After all, you know, if you get a crowd of representative bank men + together in any financial deal, you've got a pretty considerable leverage + right away. + </p> + <p> + In the second group were the lawyers, Nivens and Macartney and the rest—about + as level-headed a lot as you'd see anywhere. Get the lawyers of a town + with you on a thing like this and you'll find you've got a sort of brain + power with you that you'd never get without them. + </p> + <p> + Then there were the business men—there was a solid crowd for you,—Harrison, + the harness maker, and Glover, the hardware man, and all that gang, not + talkers, perhaps, but solid men who can tell you to a nicety how many + cents there are in a dollar. It's all right to talk about education and + that sort of thing, but if you want driving power and efficiency, get + business men. They're seeing it every day in the city, and it's just the + same in Mariposa. Why, in the big concerns in the city, if they found out + a man was educated, they wouldn't have him,—wouldn't keep him there + a minute. That's why the business men have to conceal it so much. + </p> + <p> + Then in the other teams there were the doctors and the newspaper men and + the professional men like Judge Pepperleigh and Yodel the auctioneer. + </p> + <p> + It was all organized so that every team had its headquarters, two of them + in each of the three hotels—one upstairs and one down. And it was + arranged that there would be a big lunch every day, to be held in Smith's + caff, round the corner of Smith's Northern Health Resort and Home of the + Wissanotti Angler,—you know the place. The lunch was divided up into + tables, with a captain for each table to see about things to drink, and of + course all the tables were in competition with one another. In fact the + competition was the very life of the whole thing. + </p> + <p> + It's just wonderful how these things run when they're organized. Take the + first luncheon, for example. There they all were, every man in his place, + every captain at his post at the top of the table. It was hard, perhaps, + for some of them to get there. They had very likely to be in their stores + and banks and offices till the last minute and then make a dash for it. It + was the cleanest piece of team work you ever saw. + </p> + <p> + You have noticed already, I am sure, that a good many of the captains and + committee men didn't belong to the Church of England Church. Glover, for + instance, was a Presbyterian, till they ran the picket fence of the manse + two feet on to his property, and after that he became a free-thinker. But + in Mariposa, as I have said, everybody likes to be in everything and + naturally a Whirlwind Campaign was a novelty. Anyway it would have been a + poor business to keep a man out of the lunches merely on account of his + religion. I trust that the day for that kind of religious bigotry is past. + </p> + <p> + Of course the excitement was when Henry Mullins at the head of the table + began reading out the telegrams and letters and messages. First of all + there was a telegram of good wishes from the Anglican Lord Bishop of the + Diocese to Henry Mullins and calling him Dear Brother in Grace the + Mariposa telegraph office is a little unreliable and it read: "Dear + Brother in grease," but that was good enough. The Bishop said that his + most earnest wishes were with them. + </p> + <p> + Then Mullins read a letter from the Mayor of Mariposa Pete Glover was + mayor that year—stating that his keenest desires were with them: and + then one from the Carriage Company saying that its heartiest good will was + all theirs; and then one from the Meat Works saying that its nearest + thoughts were next to them. Then he read one from himself, as head of the + Exchange Bank, you understand, informing him that he had heard of his + project and assuring him of his liveliest interest in what he proposed. + </p> + <p> + At each of these telegrams and messages there was round after round of + applause, so that you could hardly hear yourself speak or give an order. + But that was nothing to when Mullins got up again, and beat on the table + for silence and made one of those crackling speeches—just the way + business men speak—the kind of speech that a college man simply + can't make. I wish I could repeat it all. I remember that it began: "Now + boys, you know what we're here for, gentlemen," and it went on just as + good as that all through. When Mullins had done he took out a fountain pen + and wrote out a cheque for a hundred dollars, conditional on the fund + reaching fifty thousand. And there was a burst of cheers all over the + room. + </p> + <p> + Just the moment he had done it, up sprang George Duff,—you know the + keen competition there is, as a straight matter of business, between the + banks in Mariposa,—up sprang George Duff, I say, and wrote out a + cheque for another hundred conditional on the fund reaching seventy + thousand. You never heard such cheering in your life. + </p> + <p> + And then when Netley walked up to the head of the table and laid down a + cheque for a hundred dollars conditional on the fund reaching one hundred + thousand the room was in an uproar. A hundred thousand dollars! Just think + of it! The figures fairly stagger one. To think of a hundred thousand + dollars raised in five minutes in a little place like Mariposa! + </p> + <p> + And even that was nothing! In less than no time there was such a crowd + round Mullins trying to borrow his pen all at once that his waistcoat was + all stained with ink. Finally when they got order at last, and Mullins + stood up and announced that the conditional fund had reached a quarter of + a million, the whole place was a perfect babel of cheering. Oh, these + Whirlwind Campaigns are wonderful things! + </p> + <p> + I can tell you the Committee felt pretty proud that first day. There was + Henry Mullins looking a little bit flushed and excited, with his white + waistcoat and an American Beauty rose, and with ink marks all over him + from the cheque signing; and he kept telling them that he'd known all + along that all that was needed was to get the thing started and telling + again about what he'd seen at the University Campaign and about the + professors crying, and wondering if the high school teachers would come + down for the last day of the meetings. + </p> + <p> + Looking back on the Mariposa Whirlwind, I can never feel that it was a + failure. After all, there is a sympathy and a brotherhood in these things + when men work shoulder to shoulder. If you had seen the canvassers of the + Committee going round the town that evening shoulder to shoulder from the + Mariposa House to the Continental and up to Mullins's rooms and over to + Duffs, shoulder to shoulder, you'd have understood it. + </p> + <p> + I don't say that every lunch was quite such a success as the first. It's + not always easy to get out of the store if you're a busy man, and a good + many of the Whirlwind Committee found that they had just time to hurry + down and snatch their lunch and get back again. Still, they came, and + snatched it. As long as the lunches lasted, they came. Even if they had + simply to rush it and grab something to eat and drink without time to talk + to anybody, they came. + </p> + <p> + No, no, it was not lack of enthusiasm that killed the Whirlwind Campaign + in Mariposa. It must have been something else. I don't just know what it + was but I think it had something to do with the financial, the + book-keeping side of the thing. + </p> + <p> + It may have been, too, that the organization was not quite correctly + planned. You see, if practically everybody is on the committees, it is + awfully hard to try to find men to canvass, and it is not allowable for + the captains and the committee men to canvass one another, because their + gifts are spontaneous. So the only thing that the different groups could + do was to wait round in some likely place—say the bar parlour of + Smith's Hotel—in the hope that somebody might come in who could be + canvassed. + </p> + <p> + You might ask why they didn't canvass Mr. Smith himself, but of course + they had done that at the very start, as I should have said. Mr. Smith had + given them two hundred dollars in cash conditional on the lunches being + held in the caff of his hotel; and it's awfully hard to get a proper lunch + I mean the kind to which a Bishop can express regret at not being there—under + a dollar twenty-five. So Mr. Smith got back his own money, and the crowd + began eating into the benefactions, and it got more and more complicated + whether to hold another lunch in the hope of breaking even, or to stop the + campaign. + </p> + <p> + It was disappointing, yes. In spite of all the success and the sympathy, + it was disappointing. I don't say it didn't do good. No doubt a lot of the + men got to know one another better than ever they had before. I have + myself heard Judge Pepperleigh say that after the campaign he knew all of + Pete Glover that he wanted to. There was a lot of that kind of complete + satiety. The real trouble about the Whirlwind Campaign was that they never + clearly understood which of them were the whirlwind and who were to be the + campaign. + </p> + <p> + Some of them, I believe, took it pretty much to heart. I know that Henry + Mullins did. You could see it. The first day he came down to the lunch, + all dressed up with the American Beauty and the white waistcoat. The + second day he only wore a pink carnation and a grey waistcoat. The third + day he had on a dead daffodil and a cardigan undervest, and on the last + day, when the high school teachers should have been there, he only wore + his office suit and he hadn't even shaved. He looked beaten. + </p> + <p> + It was that night that he went up to the rectory to tell the news to Dean + Drone. It had been arranged, you know, that the rector should not attend + the lunches, so as to let the whole thing come as a surprise; so that all + he knew about it was just scraps of information about the crowds at the + lunch and how they cheered and all that. Once, I believe, he caught sight + of the Newspacket with a two-inch headline: A QUARTER OF A MILLION, but he + wouldn't let himself read further because it would have spoilt the + surprise. + </p> + <p> + I saw Mullins, as I say, go up the street on his way to Dean Drone's. It + was middle April and there was ragged snow on the streets, and the nights + were dark still, and cold. I saw Mullins grit his teeth as he walked, and + I know that he held in his coat pocket his own cheque for the hundred, + with the condition taken off it, and he said that there were so many + skunks in Mariposa that a man might as well be in the Head Office in the + city. + </p> + <p> + The Dean came out to the little gate in the dark,—you could see the + lamplight behind him from the open door of the rectory,—and he shook + hands with Mullins and they went in together. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SIX. The Beacon on the Hill + </h2> + <p> + Mullins said afterward that it was ever so much easier than he thought it + would have been. The Dean, he said, was so quiet. Of course if Mr. Drone + had started to swear at Mullins, or tried to strike him, it would have + been much harder. But as it was he was so quiet that part of the time he + hardly seemed to follow what Mullins was saying. So Mullins was glad of + that, because it proved that the Dean wasn't feeling disappointed as, in a + way, he might have. + </p> + <p> + Indeed, the only time when the rector seemed animated and excited in the + whole interview was when Mullins said that the campaign had been ruined by + a lot of confounded mugwumps. Straight away the Dean asked if those + mugwumps had really prejudiced the outcome of the campaign. Mullins said + there was no doubt of it, and the Dean enquired if the presence of + mugwumps was fatal in matters of endeavour, and Mullins said that it was. + Then the rector asked if even one mugwump was, in the Christian sense, + deleterious. Mullins said that one mugwump would kill anything. After that + the Dean hardly spoke at all. + </p> + <p> + In fact, the rector presently said that he mustn't detain Mullins too long + and that he had detained him too long already and that Mullins must be + weary from his train journey and that in cases of extreme weariness + nothing but a sound sleep was of any avail; he himself, unfortunately, + would not be able to avail himself of the priceless boon of slumber until + he had first retired to his study to write some letters; so that Mullins, + who had a certain kind of social quickness of intuition, saw that it was + time to leave, and went away. + </p> + <p> + It was midnight as he went down the street, and a dark, still night. That + can be stated positively because it came out in court afterwards. Mullins + swore that it was a dark night; he admitted, under examination, that there + may have been the stars, or at least some of the less important of them, + though he had made no attempt, as brought out on cross-examination, to + count them: there may have been, too, the electric lights, and Mullins was + not willing to deny that it was quite possible that there was more or less + moonlight. But that there was no light that night in the form of sunlight, + Mullins was absolutely certain. All that, I say, came out in court. + </p> + <p> + But meanwhile the rector had gone upstairs to his study and had seated + himself in front of his table to write his letters. It was here always + that he wrote his sermons. From the window of the room you looked through + the bare white maple trees to the sweeping outline of the church shadowed + against the night sky, and beyond that, though far off, was the new + cemetery where the rector walked of a Sunday (I think I told you why): + beyond that again, for the window faced the east, there lay, at no very + great distance, the New Jerusalem. There were no better things that a man + might look towards from his study window, nor anything that could serve as + a better aid to writing. + </p> + <p> + But this night the Dean's letters must have been difficult indeed to + write. For he sat beside the table holding his pen and with his head bent + upon his other hand, and though he sometimes put a line or two on the + paper, for the most part he sat motionless. The fact is that Dean Drone + was not trying to write letters, but only one letter. He was writing a + letter of resignation. If you have not done that for forty years it is + extremely difficult to get the words. + </p> + <p> + So at least the Dean found it. First he wrote one set of words and then he + sat and thought and wrote something else. But nothing seemed to suit. + </p> + <p> + The real truth was that Dean Drone, perhaps more than he knew himself, had + a fine taste for words and effects, and when you feel that a situation is + entirely out of the common, you naturally try, if you have that instinct, + to give it the right sort of expression. + </p> + <p> + I believe that at the time when Rupert Drone had taken the medal in Greek + over fifty years ago, it was only a twist of fate that had prevented him + from becoming a great writer. There was a buried author in him just as + there was a buried financier in Jefferson Thorpe. In fact, there were many + people in Mariposa like that, and for all I know you may yourself have + seen such elsewhere. For instance, I am certain that Billy Rawson, the + telegraph operator at Mariposa, could easily have invented radium. In the + same way one has only to read the advertisements of Mr. Gingham, the + undertaker, to know that there is still in him a poet, who could have + written on death far more attractive verses than the Thanatopsis of Cullen + Bryant, and under a title less likely to offend the public and drive away + custom. He has told me this himself. + </p> + <p> + So the Dean tried first this and then that and nothing would seem to suit. + First of all he wrote: + </p> + <p> + "It is now forty years since I came among you, a youth full of life and + hope and ardent in the work before me—" Then he paused, doubtful of + the accuracy and clearness of the expression, read it over again and again + in deep thought and then began again: + </p> + <p> + "It is now forty years since I came among you, a broken and melancholy + boy, without life or hope, desiring only to devote to the service of this + parish such few years as might remain of an existence blighted before it + had truly begun—" And then again the Dean stopped. He read what he + had written; he frowned; he crossed it through with his pen. This was no + way to write, this thin egotistical strain of complaint. Once more he + started: + </p> + <p> + "It is now forty years since I came among you, a man already tempered and + trained, except possibly in mathematics—" And then again the rector + paused and his mind drifted away to the memory of the Anglican professor + that I spoke of, who had had so little sense of his higher mission as to + omit the teaching of logarithms. And the rector mused so long that when he + began again it seemed to him that it was simpler and better to discard the + personal note altogether, and he wrote: + </p> + <p> + "There are times, gentlemen, in the life of a parish, when it comes to an + epoch which brings it to a moment when it reaches a point—" + </p> + <p> + The Dean stuck fast again, but refusing this time to be beaten went + resolutely on: + </p> + <p> + "—reaches a point where the circumstances of the moment make the + epoch such as to focus the life of the parish in that time." + </p> + <p> + Then the Dean saw that he was beaten, and he knew that he not only + couldn't manage the parish but couldn't say so in proper English, and of + the two the last was the bitterer discovery. + </p> + <p> + He raised his head, and looked for a moment through the window at the + shadow of the church against the night, so outlined that you could almost + fancy that the light of the New Jerusalem was beyond it. Then he wrote, + and this time not to the world at large but only to Mullins: + </p> + <p> + "My dear Harry, I want to resign my charge. Will you come over and help + me?" + </p> + <p> + When the Dean at last rose from writing that, I think it was far on in the + night. As he rose he looked again through the window, looked once and then + once more, and so stood with widening eyes, and his face set towards what + he saw. + </p> + <p> + What was that? That light in the sky there, eastward?—near or far he + could not say. Was it already the dawn of the New Jerusalem brightening in + the east, or was it—look—in the church itself,—what is + that?—that dull red glow that shines behind the stained-glass + windows, turning them to crimson? that fork of flame that breaks now from + the casement and flashes upward, along the wood—and see—that + sudden sheet of fire that springs the windows of the church with the roar + of splintered glass and surges upward into the sky, till the dark night + and the bare trees and sleeping street of Mariposa are all illumined with + its glow! + </p> + <p> + Fire! Fire! and the sudden sound of the bell now, breaking upon the night. + </p> + <p> + So stood the Dean erect, with one hand pressed against the table for + support, while the Mariposa fire bell struck out its warning to the + sleeping town,—stood there while the street grew loud with the + tumult of voices,—with the roaring gallop of the fire brigade,—with + the harsh note of the gong—and over all other sounds, the great + seething of the flames that tore their way into the beams and rafters of + the pointed church and flared above it like a torch into the midnight sky. + </p> + <p> + So stood the Dean, and as the church broke thus into a very beacon kindled + upon a hill,—sank forward without a sign, his face against the + table, stricken. + </p> + <p> + You need to see a fire in a place such as Mariposa, a town still half of + wood, to know what fire means. In the city it is all different. To the + onlooker, at any rate, a fire is only a spectacle, nothing more. + Everything is arranged, organized, certain. It is only once perhaps in a + century that fire comes to a large city as it comes to the little wooden + town like Mariposa as a great Terror of the Night. + </p> + <p> + That, at any rate, is what it meant in Mariposa that night in April, the + night the Church of England Church burnt down. Had the fire gained but a + hundred feet, or less, it could have reached from the driving shed behind + the church to the backs of the wooden shops of the Main Street, and once + there not all the waters of Lake Wissanotti could stay the course of its + destruction. It was for that hundred feet that they fought, the men of + Mariposa, from the midnight call of the bell till the slow coming of the + day. They fought the fire, not to save the church, for that was doomed + from the first outbreak of the flames, but to stop the spread of it and + save the town. They fought it at the windows, and at the blazing doors, + and through the yawning furnace of the open belfry; fought it, with the + Mariposa engine thumping and panting in the street, itself aglow with fire + like a servant demon fighting its own kind, with tall ladders reaching to + the very roof, and with hose that poured their streams of tossing water + foaming into the flames. + </p> + <p> + Most of all they fought to save the wooden driving shed behind the church + from which the fire could leap into the heart of Mariposa. That was where + the real fight was, for the life of the town. I wish you could have seen + how they turned the hose against the shingles, ripping and tearing them + from their places with the force of the driven water: how they mounted on + the roof, axe in hand, and cut madly at the rafters to bring the building + down, while the black clouds of smoke rolled in volumes about the men as + they worked. You could see the fire horses harnessed with logging chains + to the uprights of the shed to tear the building from its place. + </p> + <p> + Most of all I wish you could have seen Mr. Smith, proprietor, as I think + you know, of Smith's Hotel, there on the roof with a fireman's helmet on, + cutting through the main beam of solid cedar, twelve by twelve, that held + tight still when the rafters and the roof tree were down already, the shed + on fire in a dozen places, and the other men driven from the work by the + flaming sparks, and by the strangle of the smoke. Not so Mr. Smith! See + him there as he plants himself firm at the angle of the beams, and with + the full impact of his two hundred and eighty pounds drives his axe into + the wood! I tell you it takes a man from the pine country of the north to + handle an axe! Right, left, left, right, down it comes, with never a pause + or stay, never missing by a fraction of an inch the line of the stroke! At + it, Smith! Down with it! Till with a shout from the crowd the beam gapes + asunder, and Mr. Smith is on the ground again, roaring his directions to + the men and horses as they haul down the shed, in a voice that dominates + the fire itself. + </p> + <p> + Who made Mr. Smith the head and chief of the Mariposa fire brigade that + night, I cannot say. I do not know even where he got the huge red helmet + that he wore, nor had I ever heard till the night the church burnt down + that Mr. Smith was a member of the fire brigade at all. But it's always + that way. Your little narrow-chested men may plan and organize, but when + there is something to be done, something real, then it's the man of size + and weight that steps to the front every time. Look at Bismarck and Mr. + Gladstone and President Taft and Mr. Smith,—the same thing in each + case. + </p> + <p> + I suppose it was perfectly natural that just as soon as Mr. Smith came on + the scene he put on somebody's helmet and shouted his directions to the + men and bossed the Mariposa fire brigade like Bismarck with the German + parliament. + </p> + <p> + The fire had broken out late, late at night, and they fought it till the + day. The flame of it lit up the town and the bare grey maple trees, and + you could see in the light of it the broad sheet of the frozen lake, snow + covered still. It kindled such a beacon as it burned that from the other + side of the lake the people on the night express from the north could see + it twenty miles away. It lit up such a testimony of flame that Mariposa + has never seen the like of it before or since. Then when the roof crashed + in and the tall steeple tottered and fell, so swift a darkness seemed to + come that the grey trees and the frozen lake vanished in a moment as if + blotted out of existence. + </p> + <p> + When the morning came the great church of Mariposa was nothing but a + ragged group of walls with a sodden heap of bricks and blackened wood, + still hissing here and there beneath the hose with the sullen anger of a + conquered fire. Round the ruins of the fire walked the people of Mariposa + next morning, and they pointed out where the wreck of the steeple had + fallen, and where the bells of the church lay in a molten heap among the + bricks, and they talked of the loss that it was and how many dollars it + would take to rebuild the church, and whether it was insured and for how + much. And there were at least fourteen people who had seen the fire first, + and more than that who had given the first alarm, and ever so many who + knew how fires of this sort could be prevented. + </p> + <p> + Most noticeable of all you could see the sidesmen and the wardens and + Mullins, the chairman of the vestry, talking in little groups about the + fire. Later in the day there came from the city the insurance men and the + fire appraisers, and they too walked about the ruins, and talked with the + wardens and the vestry men. There was such a luxury of excitement in the + town that day that it was just as good as a public holiday. + </p> + <p> + But the strangest part of it was the unexpected sequel. I don't know + through what error of the Dean's figures it happened, through what lack of + mathematical training the thing turned out as it did. No doubt the memory + of the mathematical professor was heavily to blame for it, but the solid + fact is that the Church of England Church of Mariposa turned out to be + insured for a hundred thousand, and there were the receipts and the + vouchers, all signed and regular, just as they found them in a drawer of + the rector's study. There was no doubt about it. The insurance people + might protest as they liked. The straight, plain fact was that the church + was insured for about twice the whole amount of the cost and the debt and + the rector's salary and the boarding-school fees of the littlest of the + Drones all put together. + </p> + <p> + There was a Whirlwind Campaign for you! Talk of raising money,—that + was something like! I wonder if the universities and the city institutions + that go round trying to raise money by the slow and painful method called + a Whirlwind Campaign, that takes perhaps all day to raise fifty thousand + dollars, ever thought of anything so beautifully simple as this. + </p> + <p> + The Greater Testimony that had lain so heavily on the congregation went + flaming to its end, and burned up its debts and its obligations and + enriched its worshippers by its destruction. Talk of a beacon on a hill! + You can hardly beat that one. + </p> + <p> + I wish you could have seen how the wardens and the sidesmen and Mullins, + the chairman of the vestry, smiled and chuckled at the thought of it. + Hadn't they said all along that all that was needed was a little faith and + effort? And here it was, just as they said, and they'd been right after + all. + </p> + <p> + Protest from the insurance people? Legal proceedings to prevent payment? + My dear sir! I see you know nothing about the Mariposa court, in spite of + the fact that I have already said that it was one of the most precise + instruments of British fair play ever established. Why, Judge Pepperleigh + disposed of the case and dismissed the protest of the company in less than + fifteen minutes! Just what the jurisdiction of Judge Pepperleigh's court + is I don't know, but I do know that in upholding the rights of a Christian + congregation—I am quoting here the text of the decision—against + the intrigues of a set of infernal skunks that make too much money, + anyway, the Mariposa court is without an equal. Pepperleigh even + threatened the plaintiffs with the penitentiary, or worse. + </p> + <p> + How the fire started no one ever knew. There was a queer story that went + about to the effect that Mr. Smith and Mr. Gingham's assistant had been + seen very late that night carrying an automobile can of kerosene up the + street. But that was amply disproved by the proceedings of the court, and + by the evidence of Mr. Smith himself. He took his dying oath,—not + his ordinary one as used in the License cases, but his dying one,—that + he had not carried a can of kerosene up the street, and that anyway it was + the rottenest kind of kerosene he had ever seen and no more use than so + much molasses. So that point was settled. + </p> + <p> + Dean Drone? Did he get well again? Why, what makes you ask that? You mean, + was his head at all affected after the stroke? No, it was not. Absolutely + not. It was not affected in the least, though how anybody who knows him + now in Mariposa could have the faintest idea that his mind was in any way + impaired by the stroke is more than I can tell. The engaging of Mr. + Uttermost, the curate, whom perhaps you have heard preach in the new + church, had nothing whatever to do with Dean Drone's head. It was merely a + case of the pressure of overwork. It was felt very generally by the + wardens that, in these days of specialization, the rector was covering too + wide a field, and that if he should abandon some of the lesser duties of + his office, he might devote his energies more intently to the Infant + Class. That was all. You may hear him there any afternoon, talking to + them, if you will stand under the maple trees and listen through the open + windows of the new Infant School. + </p> + <p> + And, as for audiences, for intelligence, for attention—well, if I + want to find listeners who can hear and understand about the great spaces + of Lake Huron, let me tell of it, every time face to face with the blue + eyes of the Infant Class, fresh from the infinity of spaces greater still. + Talk of grown-up people all you like, but for listeners let me have the + Infant Class with their pinafores and their Teddy Bears and their feet not + even touching the floor, and Mr. Uttermost may preach to his heart's + content of the newer forms of doubt revealed by the higher criticism. + </p> + <p> + So you will understand that the Dean's mind is, if anything, even keener, + and his head even clearer than before. And if you want proof of it, notice + him there beneath the plum blossoms reading in the Greek: he has told me + that he finds that he can read, with the greatest ease, works in the Greek + that seemed difficult before. Because his head is so clear now. + </p> + <p> + And sometimes,—when his head is very clear,—as he sits there + reading beneath the plum blossoms he can hear them singing beyond, and his + wife's voice. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SEVEN. The Extraordinary Entanglement of Mr. Pupkin + </h2> + <p> + Judge Pepperleigh lived in a big house with hardwood floors and a wide + piazza that looked over the lake from the top of Oneida Street. + </p> + <p> + Every day about half-past five he used to come home from his office in the + Mariposa Court House. On some days as he got near the house he would call + out to his wife: + </p> + <p> + "Almighty Moses, Martha! who left the sprinkler on the grass?" + </p> + <p> + On other days he would call to her from quite a little distance off: + "Hullo, mother! Got any supper for a hungry man?" + </p> + <p> + And Mrs. Pepperleigh never knew which it would be. On the days when he + swore at the sprinkler you could see his spectacles flash like dynamite. + But on the days when he called: "Hullo, mother," they were simply + irradiated with kindliness. + </p> + <p> + Some days, I say, he would cry out with a perfect whine of indignation: + "Suffering Caesar! has that infernal dog torn up those geraniums again?" + And other days you would hear him singing out: "Hullo, Rover! Well, + doggie, well, old fellow!" + </p> + <p> + In the same way at breakfast, the judge, as he looked over the morning + paper, would sometimes leap to his feet with a perfect howl of suffering, + and cry: "Everlasting Moses! the Liberals have carried East Elgin." Or + else he would lean back from the breakfast table with the most + good-humoured laugh you ever heard and say: "Ha! ha! the Conservatives + have carried South Norfolk." + </p> + <p> + And yet he was perfectly logical, when you come to think of it. After all, + what is more annoying to a sensitive, highly-strung man than an infernal + sprinkler playing all over the place, and what more agreeable to a + good-natured, even-tempered fellow than a well-prepared supper? Or, what + is more likeable than one's good, old, affectionate dog bounding down the + path from sheer delight at seeing you,—or more execrable than an + infernal whelp that has torn up the geraniums and is too old to keep, + anyway? + </p> + <p> + As for politics, well, it all seemed reasonable enough. When the + Conservatives got in anywhere, Pepperleigh laughed and enjoyed it, simply + because it does one good to see a straight, fine, honest fight where the + best man wins. When a Liberal got in, it made him mad, and he said so,—not, + mind you, from any political bias, for his office forbid it,—but + simply because one can't bear to see the country go absolutely to the + devil. + </p> + <p> + I suppose, too, it was partly the effect of sitting in court all day + listening to cases. One gets what you might call the judicial temper of + mind. Pepperleigh had it so strongly developed that I've seen him kick a + hydrangea pot to pieces with his foot because the accursed thing wouldn't + flower. He once threw the canary cage clear into the lilac bushes because + the "blasted bird wouldn't stop singing." It was a straight case of + judicial temper. Lots of judges have it, developed in just the same broad, + all-round way as with Judge Pepperleigh. + </p> + <p> + I think it must be passing sentences that does it. Anyway, Pepperleigh had + the aptitude for passing sentences so highly perfected that he spent his + whole time at it inside of court and out. I've heard him hand out + sentences for the Sultan of Turkey and Mrs. Pankhurst and the Emperor of + Germany that made one's blood run cold. He would sit there on the piazza + of a summer evening reading the paper, with dynamite sparks flying from + his spectacles as he sentenced the Czar of Russia to ten years in the salt + mines—and made it fifteen a few minutes afterwards. Pepperleigh + always read the foreign news—the news of things that he couldn't + alter—as a form of wild and stimulating torment. + </p> + <p> + So you can imagine that in some ways the judge's house was a pretty + difficult house to go to. I mean you can see how awfully hard it must have + been for Mr. Pupkin. I tell you it took some nerve to step up on that + piazza and say, in a perfectly natural, off-hand way: "Oh, how do you do, + judge? Is Miss Zena in? No, I won't stay, thanks; I think I ought to be + going. I simply called." A man who can do that has got to have a pretty + fair amount of savoir what do you call it, and he's got to be mighty well + shaved and have his cameo pin put in his tie at a pretty undeniable angle + before he can tackle it. Yes, and even then he may need to hang round + behind the lilac bushes for half an hour first, and cool off. And he's apt + to make pretty good time down Oneida Street on the way back. + </p> + <p> + Still, that's what you call love, and if you've got it, and are well + shaved, and your boots well blacked, you can do things that seem almost + impossible. Yes, you can do anything, even if you do trip over the dog in + getting off the piazza. + </p> + <p> + Don't suppose for a moment that Judge Pepperleigh was an unapproachable or + a harsh man always and to everybody. Even Mr. Pupkin had to admit that + that couldn't be so. To know that, you had only to see Zena Pepperleigh + put her arm round his neck and call him Daddy. She would do that even when + there were two or three young men sitting on the edge of the piazza. You + know, I think, the way they sit on the edge in Mariposa. It is meant to + indicate what part of the family they have come to see. Thus when George + Duff, the bank manager, came up to the Pepperleigh house, he always sat in + a chair on the verandah and talked to the judge. But when Pupkin or + Mallory Tompkins or any fellow like that came, he sat down in a sidelong + fashion on the edge of the boards and then they knew exactly what he was + there for. If he knew the house well, he leaned his back against the + verandah post and smoked a cigarette. But that took nerve. + </p> + <p> + But I am afraid that this is a digression, and, of course, you know all + about it just as well as I do. All that I was trying to say was that I + don't suppose that the judge had ever spoken a cross word to Zena in his + life.—Oh, he threw her novel over the grape-vine, I don't deny that, + but then why on earth should a girl read trash like the Errant Quest of + the Palladin Pilgrim, and the Life of Sir Galahad, when the house was full + of good reading like The Life of Sir John A. Macdonald, and Pioneer Days + in Tecumseh Township? + </p> + <p> + Still, what I mean is that the judge never spoke harshly to Zena, except + perhaps under extreme provocation; and I am quite sure that he never, + never had to Neil. But then what father ever would want to speak angrily + to such a boy as Neil Pepperleigh? The judge took no credit himself for + that; the finest grown boy in the whole county and so broad and big that + they took him into the Missinaba Horse when he was only seventeen. And + clever,—so clever that he didn't need to study; so clever that he + used to come out at the foot of the class in mathematics at the Mariposa + high school through sheer surplus of brain power. I've heard the judge + explain it a dozen times. Why, Neil was so clever that he used to be able + to play billiards at the Mariposa House all evening when the other boys + had to stay at home and study. + </p> + <p> + Such a powerful looking fellow, too! Everybody in Mariposa remembers how + Neil Pepperleigh smashed in the face of Peter McGinnis, the Liberal + organizer, at the big election—you recall it—when the old + Macdonald Government went out. Judge Pepperleigh had to try him for it the + next morning—his own son. They say there never was such a scene even + in the Mariposa court. There was, I believe, something like it on a + smaller scale in Roman history, but it wasn't half as dramatic. I remember + Judge Pepperleigh leaning forward to pass the sentence,—for a judge + is bound, you know, by his oath,—and how grave he looked and yet so + proud and happy, like a man doing his duty and sustained by it, and he + said: + </p> + <p> + "My boy, you are innocent. You smashed in Peter McGinnis's face, but you + did it without criminal intent. You put a face on him, by Jehoshaphat! + that he won't lose for six months, but you did it without evil purpose or + malign design. My boy, look up! Give me your hand! You leave this court + without a stain upon your name." + </p> + <p> + They said it was one of the most moving scenes ever enacted in the + Mariposa Court. + </p> + <p> + But the strangest thing is that if the judge had known what every one else + in Mariposa knew, it would have broken his heart. If he could have seen + Neil with the drunken flush on his face in the billiard room of the + Mariposa House,—if he had known, as every one else did, that Neil + was crazed with drink the night he struck the Liberal organizer when the + old Macdonald Government went out,—if he could have known that even + on that last day Neil was drunk when he rode with the Missinaba Horse to + the station to join the Third Contingent for the war, and all the street + of the little town was one great roar of people— + </p> + <p> + But the judge never knew, and now he never will. For if you could find it + in the meanness of your soul to tell him, it would serve no purpose now + except to break his heart, and there would rise up to rebuke you the + pictured vision of an untended grave somewhere in the great silences of + South Africa. + </p> + <p> + Did I say above, or seem to imply, that the judge sometimes spoke harshly + to his wife? Or did you gather for a minute that her lot was one to lament + over or feel sorry for? If so, it just shows that you know nothing about + such things, and that marriage, at least as it exists in Mariposa, is a + sealed book to you. You are as ignorant as Miss Spiffkins, the biology + teacher at the high school, who always says how sorry she is for Mrs. + Pepperleigh. You get that impression simply because the judge howled like + an Algonquin Indian when he saw the sprinkler running on the lawn. But are + you sure you know the other side of it? Are you quite sure when you talk + like Miss Spiffkins does about the rights of it, that you are taking all + things into account? You might have thought differently perhaps of the + Pepperleighs, anyway, if you had been there that evening when the judge + came home to his wife with one hand pressed to his temple and in the other + the cablegram that said that Neil had been killed in action in South + Africa. That night they sat together with her hand in his, just as they + had sat together thirty years ago when he was a law student in the city. + </p> + <p> + Go and tell Miss Spiffkins that! Hydrangeas,—canaries,— + temper,—blazes! What does Miss Spiffkins know about it all? + </p> + <p> + But in any case, if you tried to tell Judge Pepperleigh about Neil now he + wouldn't believe it. He'd laugh it to scorn. That is Neil's picture, in + uniform, hanging in the dining-room beside the Fathers of Confederation. + That military-looking man in the picture beside him is General Kitchener, + whom you may perhaps have heard of, for he was very highly spoken of in + Neil's letters. All round the room, in fact, and still more in the judge's + library upstairs, you will see pictures of South Africa and the departure + of the Canadians (there are none of the return), and of Mounted Infantry + and of Unmounted Cavalry and a lot of things that only soldiers and the + fathers of soldiers know about. + </p> + <p> + So you can realize that for a fellow who isn't military, and who wears + nothing nearer to a uniform than a daffodil tennis blazer, the judge's + house is a devil of a house to come to. + </p> + <p> + I think you remember young Mr. Pupkin, do you not? I have referred to him + several times already as the junior teller in the Exchange Bank. But if + you know Mariposa at all you have often seen him. You have noticed him, I + am sure, going for the bank mail in the morning in an office suit effect + of clinging grey with a gold necktie pin shaped like a riding whip. You + have seen him often enough going down to the lake front after supper, in + tennis things, smoking a cigarette and with a paddle and a crimson canoe + cushion under his arm. You have seen him entering Dean Drone's church in a + top hat and a long frock coat nearly to his feet. You have seen him, + perhaps, playing poker in Peter Glover's room over the hardware store and + trying to look as if he didn't hold three aces,—in fact, giving + absolutely no sign of it beyond the wild flush in his face and the fact + that his hair stands on end. + </p> + <p> + That kind of reticence is a thing you simply have to learn in banking. I + mean, if you've got to be in a position where you know for a fact that the + Mariposa Packing Company's account is overdrawn by sixty-four dollars, and + yet daren't say anything about it, not even to the girls that you play + tennis with,—I don't say, not a casual hint as a reference, but not + really tell them, not, for instance, bring down the bank ledger to the + tennis court and show them,—you learn a sort of reticence and + self-control that people outside of banking circles never can attain. + </p> + <p> + Why, I've known Pupkin at the Fireman's Ball lean against the wall in his + dress suit and talk away to Jim Eliot, the druggist, without giving the + faintest hint or indication that Eliot's note for twenty-seven dollars had + been protested that very morning. Not a hint of it. I don't say he didn't + mention it, in a sort of way, in the supper room, just to one or two, but + I mean there was nothing in the way he leant up against the wall to + suggest it. + </p> + <p> + But, however, I don't mention that as either for or against Mr. Pupkin. + That sort of thing is merely the A B C of banking, as he himself told me + when explaining why it was that he hesitated to divulge the exact standing + of the Mariposa Carriage Company. Of course, once you get past the A B C + you can learn a lot that is mighty interesting. + </p> + <p> + So I think that if you know Mariposa and understand even the rudiments of + banking, you are perfectly acquainted with Mr. Pupkin. What? You remember + him as being in love with Miss Lawson, the high school teacher? In love + with HER? What a ridiculous idea. You mean merely because on the night + when the Mariposa Belle sank with every soul on board, Pupkin put off from + the town in a skiff to rescue Miss Lawson. Oh, but you're quite wrong. + That wasn't LOVE. I've heard Pupkin explain it himself a dozen times. That + sort of thing,—paddling out to a sinking steamer at night in a crazy + skiff,—may indicate a sort of attraction, but not real love, not + what Pupkin came to feel afterwards. Indeed, when he began to think of it, + it wasn't even attraction, it was merely respect,—that's all it was. + And anyway, that was long before, six or seven months back, and Pupkin + admitted that at the time he was a mere boy. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Pupkin, I must explain, lived with Mallory Tompkins in rooms over the + Exchange Bank, on the very top floor, the third, with Mullins's own rooms + below them. Extremely comfortable quarters they were, with two bedrooms + and a sitting-room that was all fixed up with snowshoes and tennis rackets + on the walls and dance programmes and canoe club badges and all that sort + of thing. + </p> + <p> + Mallory Tompkins was a young man with long legs and check trousers who + worked on the Mariposa Times-Herald. That was what gave him his literary + taste. He used to read Ibsen and that other Dutch author—Bumstone + Bumstone, isn't it?—and you can judge that he was a mighty + intellectual fellow. He was so intellectual that he was, as he himself + admitted, a complete eggnostic. He and Pupkin used to have the most + tremendous arguments about creation and evolution, and how if you study at + a school of applied science you learn that there's no hell beyond the + present life. + </p> + <p> + Mallory Tompkins used to prove absolutely that the miracles were only + electricity, and Pupkin used to admit that it was an awfully good + argument, but claimed that he had heard it awfully well answered in a + sermon, though unfortunately he had forgotten how. + </p> + <p> + Tompkins used to show that the flood was contrary to geology, and Pupkin + would acknowledge that the point was an excellent one, but that he had + read a book,—the title of which he ought to have written down,—which + explained geology away altogether. + </p> + <p> + Mallory Tompkins generally got the best of the merely logical side of the + arguments, but Pupkin—who was a tremendous Christian—was much + stronger in the things he had forgotten. So the discussions often lasted + till far into the night, and Mr. Pupkin would fall asleep and dream of a + splendid argument, which would have settled the whole controversy, only + unfortunately he couldn't recall it in the morning. + </p> + <p> + Of course, Pupkin would never have thought of considering himself on an + intellectual par with Mallory Tompkins. That would have been ridiculous. + Mallory Tompkins had read all sorts of things and had half a mind to write + a novel himself—either that or a play. All he needed, he said, was + to have a chance to get away somewhere by himself and think. Every time he + went away to the city Pupkin expected that he might return with the novel + all finished; but though he often came back with his eyes red from + thinking, the novel as yet remained incomplete. + </p> + <p> + Meantime, Mallory Tompkins, as I say, was a mighty intellectual fellow. + You could see that from the books on the bamboo bookshelves in the + sitting-room. There was, for instance, the "Encyclopaedia Metropolitana" + in forty volumes, that he bought on the instalment plan for two dollars a + month. Then when they took that away, there was the "History of + Civilization," in fifty volumes at fifty cents a week for fifty years. + Tompkins had read in it half-way through the Stone Age before they took it + from him. After that there was the "Lives of the Painters," one volume at + a time—a splendid thing in which you could read all about Aahrens, + and Aachenthal, and Aax and men of that class. + </p> + <p> + After all, there's nothing like educating oneself. Mallory Tompkins knew + about the opening period of all sorts of things, and in regard to people + whose names began with "A" you couldn't stick him. + </p> + <p> + I don't mean that he and Mr. Pupkin lived a mere routine of studious + evenings. That would be untrue. Quite often their time was spent in much + less commendable ways than that, and there were poker parties in their + sitting-room that didn't break up till nearly midnight. Card-playing, + after all, is a slow business, unless you put money on it, and, besides, + if you are in a bank and are handling money all day, gambling has a + fascination. + </p> + <p> + I've seen Pupkin and Mallory Tompkins and Joe Milligan, the dentist, and + Mitchell the ticket agent, and the other "boys" sitting round the table + with matches enough piled up in front of them to stock a factory. Ten + matches counted for one chip and ten chips made a cent—so you see + they weren't merely playing for the fun of the thing. Of course it's a + hollow pleasure. You realize that when you wake up at night parched with + thirst, ten thousand matches to the bad. But banking is a wild life and + everybody knows it. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes Pupkin would swear off and keep away from the cursed thing for + weeks, and then perhaps he'd see by sheer accident a pile of matches on + the table, or a match lying on the floor and it would start the craze in + him. I am using his own words—a "craze"—that's what he called + it when he told Miss Lawson all about it, and she promised to cure him of + it. She would have, too. Only, as I say, Pupkin found that what he had + mistaken for attraction was only respect. And there's no use worrying a + woman that you respect about your crazes. + </p> + <p> + It was from Mallory Tompkins that Pupkin learned all about the Mariposa + people, because Pupkin came from away off—somewhere down in the + Maritime Provinces—and didn't know a soul. Mallory Tompkins used to + tell him about Judge Pepperleigh, and what a wonderfully clever man he was + and how he would have been in the Supreme Court for certain if the + Conservative Government had stayed in another fifteen or twenty years + instead of coming to a premature end. He used to talk so much about the + Pepperleighs, that Pupkin was sick of the very name. But just as soon as + he had seen Zena Pepperleigh he couldn't hear enough of them. He would + have talked with Tompkins for hours about the judge's dog Rover. And as + for Zena, if he could have brought her name over his lips, he would have + talked of her forever. + </p> + <p> + He first saw her—by one of the strangest coincidences in the world—on + the Main Street of Mariposa. If he hadn't happened to be going up the + street and she to be coming down it, the thing wouldn't have happened. + Afterwards they both admitted that it was one of the most peculiar + coincidences they ever heard of. Pupkin owned that he had had the + strangest feeling that morning as if something were going to happen—a + feeling not at all to be classed with the one of which he had once spoken + to Miss Lawson, and which was, at the most, a mere anticipation of + respect. + </p> + <p> + But, as I say, Pupkin met Zena Pepperleigh on the 26th of June, at + twenty-five minutes to eleven. And at once the whole world changed. The + past was all blotted out. Even in the new forty volume edition of the + "Instalment Record of Humanity" that Mallory Tompkins had just received—Pupkin + wouldn't have bothered with it. + </p> + <p> + She—that word henceforth meant Zena—had just come back from + her boarding-school, and of all times of year coming back from a + boarding-school and for wearing a white shirt waist and a crimson tie and + for carrying a tennis racket on the stricken street of a town—commend + me to the month of June in Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + And, for Pupkin, straight away the whole town was irradiated with + sunshine, and there was such a singing of the birds, and such a dancing of + the rippled waters of the lake, and such a kindliness in the faces of all + the people, that only those who have lived in Mariposa, and been young + there, can know at all what he felt. + </p> + <p> + The simple fact is that just the moment he saw Zena Pepperleigh, Mr. + Pupkin was clean, plumb, straight, flat, absolutely in love with her. + </p> + <p> + Which fact is so important that it would be folly not to close the chapter + and think about it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + EIGHT. The Fore-ordained Attachment of Zena Pepperleigh and Peter Pupkin + </h2> + <p> + Zena Pepperleigh used to sit reading novels on the piazza of the judge's + house, half hidden by the Virginia creepers. At times the book would fall + upon her lap and there was such a look of unstilled yearning in her violet + eyes that it did not entirely disappear even when she picked up the apple + that lay beside her and took another bite out of it. + </p> + <p> + With hands clasped she would sit there dreaming all the beautiful + day-dreams of girlhood. When you saw that faraway look in her eyes, it + meant that she was dreaming that a plumed and armoured knight was rescuing + her from the embattled keep of a castle beside the Danube. At other times + she was being borne away by an Algerian corsair over the blue waters of + the Mediterranean and was reaching out her arms towards France to say + farewell to it. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes when you noticed a sweet look of resignation that seemed to rest + upon her features, it meant that Lord Ronald de Chevereux was kneeling at + her feet, and that she was telling him to rise, that her humbler birth + must ever be a bar to their happiness, and Lord Ronald was getting into an + awful state about it, as English peers do at the least suggestion of + anything of the sort. + </p> + <p> + Or, if it wasn't that, then her lover had just returned to her side, tall + and soldierly and sunburned, after fighting for ten years in the Soudan + for her sake, and had come back to ask her for her answer and to tell her + that for ten years her face had been with him even in the watches of the + night. He was asking her for a sign, any kind of sign,—ten years in + the Soudan entitles them to a sign,—and Zena was plucking a white + rose, just one, from her hair, when she would hear her father's step on + the piazza and make a grab for the Pioneers of Tecumseh Township, and + start reading it like mad. + </p> + <p> + She was always, as I say, being rescued and being borne away, and being + parted, and reaching out her arms to France and to Spain, and saying + good-bye forever to Valladolid or the old grey towers of Hohenbranntwein. + </p> + <p> + And I don't mean that she was in the least exceptional or romantic, + because all the girls in Mariposa were just like that. An Algerian corsair + could have come into the town and had a dozen of them for the asking, and + as for a wounded English officer,—well, perhaps it's better not to + talk about it outside or the little town would become a regular military + hospital. + </p> + <p> + Because, mind you, the Mariposa girls are all right. You've only to look + at them to realize that. You see, you can get in Mariposa a print dress of + pale blue or pale pink for a dollar twenty that looks infinitely better + than anything you ever see in the city,—especially if you can wear + with it a broad straw hat and a background of maple trees and the green + grass of a tennis court. And if you remember, too, that these are + cultivated girls who have all been to the Mariposa high school and can do + decimal fractions, you will understand that an Algerian corsair would + sharpen his scimitar at the very sight of them. + </p> + <p> + Don't think either that they are all dying to get married; because they + are not. I don't say they wouldn't take an errant knight, or a buccaneer + or a Hungarian refugee, but for the ordinary marriages of ordinary people + they feel nothing but a pitying disdain. So it is that each one of them in + due time marries an enchanted prince and goes to live in one of the little + enchanted houses in the lower part of the town. + </p> + <p> + I don't know whether you know it, but you can rent an enchanted house in + Mariposa for eight dollars a month, and some of the most completely + enchanted are the cheapest. As for the enchanted princes, they find them + in the strangest places, where you never expected to see them, working—under + a spell, you understand,—in drug-stores and printing offices, and + even selling things in shops. But to be able to find them you have first + to read ever so many novels about Sir Galahad and the Errant Quest and + that sort of thing. + </p> + <p> + Naturally then Zena Pepperleigh, as she sat on the piazza, dreamed of + bandits and of wounded officers and of Lord Ronalds riding on foam-flecked + chargers. But that she ever dreamed of a junior bank teller in a daffodil + blazer riding past on a bicycle, is pretty hard to imagine. So, when Mr. + Pupkin came tearing past up the slope of Oneida Street at a speed that + proved that he wasn't riding there merely to pass the house, I don't + suppose that Zena Pepperleigh was aware of his existence. + </p> + <p> + That may be a slight exaggeration. She knew, perhaps, that he was the new + junior teller in the Exchange Bank and that he came from the Maritime + Provinces, and that nobody knew who his people were, and that he had never + been in a canoe in his life till he came to Mariposa, and that he sat four + pews back in Dean Drone's church, and that his salary was eight hundred + dollars. Beyond that, she didn't know a thing about him. She presumed, + however, that the reason why he went past so fast was because he didn't + dare to go slow. + </p> + <p> + This, of course, was perfectly correct. Ever since the day when Mr. Pupkin + met Zena in the Main Street he used to come past the house on his bicycle + just after bank hours. He would have gone past twenty times a day but he + was afraid to. As he came up Oneida Street, he used to pedal faster and + faster,—he never meant to, but he couldn't help it,—till he + went past the piazza where Zena was sitting at an awful speed with his + little yellow blazer flying in the wind. In a second he had disappeared in + a buzz and a cloud of dust, and the momentum of it carried him clear out + into the country for miles and miles before he ever dared to pause or look + back. + </p> + <p> + Then Mr. Pupkin would ride in a huge circuit about the country, trying to + think he was looking at the crops, and sooner or later his bicycle would + be turned towards the town again and headed for Oneida Street, and would + get going quicker and quicker and quicker, till the pedals whirled round + with a buzz and he came past the judge's house again, like a bullet out of + a gun. He rode fifteen miles to pass the house twice, and even then it + took all the nerve that he had. + </p> + <p> + The people on Oneida Street thought that Mr. Pupkin was crazy, but Zena + Pepperleigh knew that he was not. Already, you see, there was a sort of + dim parallel between the passing of the bicycle and the last ride of + Tancred the Inconsolable along the banks of the Danube. + </p> + <p> + I have already mentioned, I think, how Mr. Pupkin and Zena Pepperleigh + first came to know one another. Like everything else about them, it was a + sheer matter of coincidence, quite inexplicable unless you understand that + these things are fore-ordained. + </p> + <p> + That, of course, is the way with fore-ordained affairs and that's where + they differ from ordinary love. + </p> + <p> + I won't even try to describe how Mr. Pupkin felt when he first spoke with + Zena and sat beside her as they copied out the "endless chain" letter + asking for ten cents. They wrote out, as I said, no less than eight of the + letters between them, and they found out that their handwritings were so + alike that you could hardly tell them apart, except that Pupkin's letters + were round and Zena's letters were pointed and Pupkin wrote straight up + and down and Zena wrote on a slant. Beyond that the writing was so alike + that it was the strangest coincidence in the world. Of course when they + made figures it was different and Pupkin explained to Zena that in the + bank you have to be able to make a seven so that it doesn't look like a + nine. + </p> + <p> + So, as I say, they wrote the letters all afternoon and when it was over + they walked up Oneida Street together, ever so slowly. When they got near + the house, Zena asked Pupkin to come in to tea, with such an easy off-hand + way that you couldn't have told that she was half an hour late and was + taking awful chances on the judge. Pupkin hadn't had time to say yes + before the judge appeared at the door, just as they were stepping up on to + the piazza, and he had a table napkin in his hand and the dynamite sparks + were flying from his spectacles as he called out: + </p> + <p> + "Great heaven! Zena, why in everlasting blazes can't you get in to tea at + a Christian hour?" + </p> + <p> + Zena gave one look of appeal to Pupkin, and Pupkin looked one glance of + comprehension, and turned and fled down Oneida Street. And if the scene + wasn't quite as dramatic as the renunciation of Tancred the Troubadour, it + at least had something of the same elements in it. + </p> + <p> + Pupkin walked home to his supper at the Mariposa House on air, and that + evening there was a gentle distance in his manner towards Sadie, the + dining-room girl, that I suppose no bank clerk in Mariposa ever showed + before. It was like Sir Galahad talking with the tire-women of Queen + Guinevere and receiving huckleberry pie at their hands. + </p> + <p> + After that Mr. Pupkin and Zena Pepperleigh constantly met together. They + played tennis as partners on the grass court behind Dr. Gallagher's house,—the + Mariposa Tennis Club rent it, you remember, for fifty cents a month,—and + Pupkin used to perform perfect prodigies of valour, leaping in the air to + serve with his little body hooked like a letter S. Sometimes, too, they + went out on Lake Wissanotti in the evening in Pupkin's canoe, with Zena + sitting in the bow and Pupkin paddling in the stern and they went out ever + so far and it was after dark and the stars were shining before they came + home. Zena would look at the stars and say how infinitely far away they + seemed, and Pupkin would realize that a girl with a mind like that + couldn't have any use for a fool such as him. Zena used to ask him to + point out the Pleiades and Jupiter and Ursa minor, and Pupkin showed her + exactly where they were. That impressed them both tremendously, because + Pupkin didn't know that Zena remembered the names out of the astronomy + book at her boarding-school, and Zena didn't know that Pupkin simply took + a chance on where the stars were. + </p> + <p> + And ever so many times they talked so intimately that Pupkin came mighty + near telling her about his home in the Maritime Provinces and about his + father and mother, and then kicked himself that he hadn't the manliness to + speak straight out about it and take the consequences. + </p> + <p> + Please don't imagine from any of this that the course of Mr. Pupkin's love + ran smooth. On the contrary, Pupkin himself felt that it was absolutely + hopeless from the start. + </p> + <p> + There were, it might be admitted, certain things that seemed to indicate + progress. + </p> + <p> + In the course of the months of June and July and August, he had taken Zena + out in his canoe thirty-one times. Allowing an average of two miles for + each evening, Pupkin had paddled Zena sixty-two miles, or more than a + hundred thousand yards. That surely was something. + </p> + <p> + He had played tennis with her on sixteen afternoons. Three times he had + left his tennis racket up at the judge's house in Zena's charge, and once + he had, with her full consent, left his bicycle there all night. This must + count for something. No girl could trifle with a man to the extent of + having his bicycle leaning against the verandah post all night and mean + nothing by it. + </p> + <p> + More than that—he had been to tea at the judge's house fourteen + times, and seven times he had been asked by Lilian Drone to the rectory + when Zena was coming, and five times by Nora Gallagher to tea at the + doctor's house because Zena was there. + </p> + <p> + Altogether he had eaten so many meals where Zena was that his meal ticket + at the Mariposa lasted nearly double its proper time, and the face of + Sadie, the dining-room girl, had grown to wear a look of melancholy + resignation; sadder than romance. + </p> + <p> + Still more than that, Pupkin had bought for Zena, reckoning it altogether, + about two buckets of ice cream and perhaps half a bushel of chocolate. Not + that Pupkin grudged the expense of it. On the contrary, over and above the + ice cream and the chocolate he had bought her a white waistcoat and a + walking stick with a gold top, a lot of new neckties and a pair of patent + leather boots—that is, they were all bought on account of her, which + is the same thing. + </p> + <p> + Add to all this that Pupkin and Zena had been to the Church of England + Church nearly every Sunday evening for two months, and one evening they + had even gone to the Presbyterian Church "for fun," which, if you know + Mariposa, you will realize to be a wild sort of escapade that ought to + speak volumes. + </p> + <p> + Yet in spite of this, Pupkin felt that the thing was hopeless: which only + illustrates the dreadful ups and downs, the wild alternations of hope and + despair that characterise an exceptional affair of this sort. + </p> + <p> + Yes, it was hopeless. + </p> + <p> + Every time that Pupkin watched Zena praying in church, he knew that she + was too good for him. Every time that he came to call for her and found + her reading Browning and Omar Khayyam he knew that she was too clever for + him. And every time that he saw her at all he realized that she was too + beautiful for him. + </p> + <p> + You see, Pupkin knew that he wasn't a hero. When Zena would clasp her + hands and talk rapturously about crusaders and soldiers and firemen and + heroes generally, Pupkin knew just where he came in. Not in it, that was + all. If a war could have broken out in Mariposa, or the judge's house been + invaded by the Germans, he might have had a chance, but as it was—hopeless. + </p> + <p> + Then there was Zena's father. Heaven knows Pupkin tried hard to please the + judge. He agreed with every theory that Judge Pepperleigh advanced, and + that took a pretty pliable intellect in itself. They denounced female + suffrage one day and they favoured it the next. One day the judge would + claim that the labour movement was eating out the heart of the country, + and the next day he would hold that the hope of the world lay in the + organization of the toiling masses. Pupkin shifted his opinions like the + glass in a kaleidoscope. Indeed, the only things on which he was allowed + to maintain a steadfast conviction were the purity of the Conservative + party of Canada and the awful wickedness of the recall of judges. + </p> + <p> + But with all that the judge was hardly civil to Pupkin. He hadn't asked + him to the house till Zena brought him there, though, as a rule, all the + bank clerks in Mariposa treated Judge Pepperleigh's premises as their own. + He used to sit and sneer at Pupkin after he had gone till Zena would throw + down the Pioneers of Tecumseh Township in a temper and flounce off the + piazza to her room. After which the judge's manner would change instantly + and he would relight his corn cob pipe and sit and positively beam with + contentment. In all of which there was something so mysterious as to prove + that Mr. Pupkin's chances were hopeless. + </p> + <p> + Nor was that all of it. Pupkin's salary was eight hundred dollars a year + and the Exchange Bank limit for marriage was a thousand. + </p> + <p> + I suppose you are aware of the grinding capitalistic tyranny of the banks + in Mariposa whereby marriage is put beyond the reach of ever so many + mature and experienced men of nineteen and twenty and twenty-one, who are + compelled to go on eating on a meal ticket at the Mariposa House and + living over the bank to suit the whim of a group of capitalists. + </p> + <p> + Whenever Pupkin thought of this two hundred dollars he understood all that + it meant by social unrest. In fact, he interpreted all forms of social + discontent in terms of it. Russian Anarchism, German Socialism, the Labour + Movement, Henry George, Lloyd George,—he understood the whole lot of + them by thinking of his two hundred dollars. + </p> + <p> + When I tell you that at this period Mr. Pupkin read Memoirs of the Great + Revolutionists and even thought of blowing up Henry Mullins with dynamite, + you can appreciate his state of mind. + </p> + <p> + But not even by all these hindrances and obstacles to his love for Zena + Pepperleigh would Peter Pupkin have been driven to commit suicide (oh, + yes; he committed it three times, as I'm going to tell you), had it not + been for another thing that he knew stood once and for all and in cold + reality between him and Zena. + </p> + <p> + He felt it in a sort of way, as soon as he knew her. Each time that he + tried to talk to her about his home and his father and mother and found + that something held him back, he realized more and more the kind of thing + that stood between them. Most of all did he realize it, with a sudden + sickness of heart, when he got word that his father and mother wanted to + come to Mariposa to see him and he had all he could do to head them off + from it. + </p> + <p> + Why? Why stop them? The reason was, simple enough, that Pupkin was ashamed + of them, bitterly ashamed. The picture of his mother and father turning up + in Mariposa and being seen by his friends there and going up to the + Pepperleigh's house made him feel faint with shame. + </p> + <p> + No, I don't say it wasn't wrong. It only shows what difference of fortune, + the difference of being rich and being poor, means in this world. You + perhaps have been so lucky that you cannot appreciate what it means to + feel shame at the station of your own father and mother. You think it + doesn't matter, that honesty and kindliness of heart are all that counts. + That only shows that you have never known some of the bitterest feelings + of people less fortunate than yourself. + </p> + <p> + So it was with Mr. Pupkin. When he thought of his father and mother + turning up in Mariposa, his face reddened with unworthy shame. + </p> + <p> + He could just picture the scene! He could see them getting out of their + Limousine touring car, with the chauffeur holding open the door for them, + and his father asking for a suite of rooms,—just think of it, a + suite of rooms!—at the Mariposa House. + </p> + <p> + The very thought of it turned him ill. + </p> + <p> + What! You have mistaken my meaning? Ashamed of them because they were + poor? Good heavens, no, but because they were rich! And not rich in the + sense in which they use the term in Mariposa, where a rich person merely + means a man who has money enough to build a house with a piazza and to + have everything he wants; but rich in the other sense,—motor cars, + Ritz hotels, steam yachts, summer islands and all that sort of thing. + </p> + <p> + Why, Pupkin's father,—what's the use of trying to conceal it any + longer?—was the senior partner in the law firm of Pupkin, Pupkin and + Pupkin. If you know the Maritime Provinces at all, you've heard of the + Pupkins. The name is a household word from Chedabucto to Chidabecto. And, + for the matter of that, the law firm and the fact that Pupkin senior had + been an Attorney General was the least part of it. Attorney General! Why, + there's no money in that! It's no better than the Senate. No, no, Pupkin + senior, like so many lawyers, was practically a promoter, and he blew + companies like bubbles, and when he wasn't in the Maritime Provinces he + was in Boston and New York raising money and floating loans, and when they + had no money left in New York he floated it in London: and when he had it, + he floated on top of it big rafts of lumber on the Miramichi and codfish + on the Grand Banks and lesser fish in the Fundy Bay. You've heard perhaps + of the Tidal Transportation Company, and Fundy Fisheries Corporation, and + the Paspebiac Pulp and Paper Unlimited? Well, all of those were Pupkin + senior under other names. So just imagine him in Mariposa! Wouldn't he be + utterly foolish there? Just imagine him meeting Jim Eliot and treating him + like a druggist merely because he ran a drug store! or speaking to + Jefferson Thorpe as if he were a barber simply because he shaved for + money! Why, a man like that could ruin young Pupkin in Mariposa in half a + day, and Pupkin knew it. + </p> + <p> + That wouldn't matter so much, but think of the Pepperleighs and Zena! + Everything would be over with them at once. Pupkin knew just what the + judge thought of riches and luxuries. How often had he heard the judge + pass sentences of life imprisonment on Pierpont Morgan and Mr. + Rockefeller. How often had Pupkin heard him say that any man who received + more than three thousand dollars a year (that was the judicial salary in + the Missinaba district) was a mere robber, unfit to shake the hand of an + honest man. Bitter! I should think he was! He was not so bitter, perhaps, + as Mr. Muddleson, the principal of the Mariposa high school, who said that + any man who received more than fifteen hundred dollars was a public enemy. + He was certainly not so bitter as Trelawney, the post-master, who said + that any man who got from society more than thirteen hundred dollars + (apart from a legitimate increase in recognition of a successful election) + was a danger to society. Still, he was bitter. They all were in Mariposa. + Pupkin could just imagine how they would despise his father! + </p> + <p> + And Zena! That was the worst of all. How often had, Pupkin heard her say + that she simply hated diamonds wouldn't wear them, despised them, wouldn't + give a thank you for a whole tiara of them! As for motor cars and steam + yachts,—well, it was pretty plain that that sort of thing had no + chance with Zena Pepperleigh. Why, she had told Pupkin one night in the + canoe that she would only marry a man who was poor and had his way to make + and would hew down difficulties for her sake. And when Pupkin couldn't + answer the argument she was quite cross and silent all the way home. + </p> + <p> + What was Peter Pupkin doing, then, at eight hundred dollars in a bank in + Mariposa? If you ask that, it means that you know nothing of the life of + the Maritime Provinces and the sturdy temper of the people. I suppose + there are no people in the world who hate luxury and extravagance and that + sort of thing quite as much as the Maritime Province people, and, of them, + no one hated luxury more than Pupkin senior. + </p> + <p> + Don't mistake the man. He wore a long sealskin coat in winter, yes; but + mark you, not as a matter of luxury, but merely as a question of his + lungs. He smoked, I admit it, a thirty-five cent cigar, not because he + preferred it, but merely through a delicacy of the thorax that made it + imperative. He drank champagne at lunch, I concede the point, not in the + least from the enjoyment of it, but simply on account of a peculiar + affection of the tongue and lips that positively dictated it. His own + longing—and his wife shared it—was for the simple, simple life—an + island somewhere, with birds and trees. They had bought three or four + islands—one in the St. Lawrence, and two in the Gulf, and one off + the coast of Maine—looking for this sort of thing. Pupkin senior + often said that he wanted to have some place that would remind him of the + little old farm up the Aroostook where he was brought up. He often bought + little old farms, just to try them, but they always turned out to be so + near a city that he cut them into real estate lots, without even having + had time to look at them. + </p> + <p> + But—and this is where the emphasis lay—in the matter of luxury + for his only son, Peter, Pupkin senior was a Maritime Province man right + to the core, with all the hardihood of the United Empire Loyalists + ingrained in him. No luxury for that boy! No, sir! From his childhood, + Pupkin senior had undertaken, at the least sign of luxury, to "tan it out + of him," after the fashion still in vogue in the provinces. Then he sent + him to an old-fashioned school to get it "thumped out of him," and after + that he had put him for a year on a Nova Scotia schooner to get it + "knocked out of him." If, after all that, young Pupkin, even when he came + to Mariposa, wore cameo pins and daffodil blazers, and broke out into + ribbed silk saffron ties on pay day, it only shows that the old Adam still + needs further tanning even in the Maritime Provinces. + </p> + <p> + Young Pupkin, of course, was to have gone into law. That was his father's + cherished dream and would have made the firm Pupkin, Pupkin, Pupkin, and + Pupkin, as it ought to have been. But young Peter was kept out of the law + by the fool system of examinations devised since his father's time. Hence + there was nothing for it but to sling him into a bank; "sling him" was, I + think, the expression. So his father decided that if Pupkin was to be + slung, he should be slung good and far—clean into Canada (you know + the way they use that word in the Maritime Provinces). And to sling Pupkin + he called in the services of an old friend, a man after his own heart, + just as violent as himself, who used to be at the law school in the city + with Pupkin senior thirty years ago. So this friend, who happened to live + in Mariposa, and who was a violent man, said at once: "Edward, by + Jehoshaphat! send the boy up here." + </p> + <p> + So that is how Pupkin came to Mariposa. And if, when he got there, his + father's friend gave no sign, and treated the boy with roughness and + incivility, that may have been, for all I know, a continuation of the + "tanning" process of the Maritime people. + </p> + <p> + Did I mention that the Pepperleigh family, generations ago, had taken up + land near the Aroostook, and that it was from there the judge's father + came to Tecumseh township? Perhaps not, but it doesn't matter. + </p> + <p> + But surely after such reminiscences as these the awful things that are + impending over Mr. Pupkin must be kept for another chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + NINE. The Mariposa Bank Mystery + </h2> + <p> + Suicide is a thing that ought not to be committed without very careful + thought. It often involves serious consequences, and in some cases brings + pain to others than oneself. + </p> + <p> + I don't say that there is no justification for it. There often is. Anybody + who has listened to certain kinds of music, or read certain kinds of + poetry, or heard certain kinds of performances upon the concertina, will + admit that there are some lives which ought not to be continued, and that + even suicide has its brighter aspects. + </p> + <p> + But to commit suicide on grounds of love is at the best a very dubious + experiment. I know that in this I am expressing an opinion contrary to + that of most true lovers who embrace suicide on the slightest provocation + as the only honourable termination of an existence that never ought to + have begun. + </p> + <p> + I quite admit that there is a glamour and a sensation about the thing + which has its charm, and that there is nothing like it for causing a girl + to realize the value of the heart that she has broken and which breathed + forgiveness upon her at the very moment when it held in its hand the + half-pint of prussic acid that was to terminate its beating for ever. + </p> + <p> + But apart from the general merits of the question, I suppose there are few + people, outside of lovers, who know what it is to commit suicide four + times in five weeks. + </p> + <p> + Yet this was what happened to Mr. Pupkin, of the Exchange Bank of + Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + Ever since he had known Zena Pepperleigh he had realized that his love for + her was hopeless. She was too beautiful for him and too good for him; her + father hated him and her mother despised him; his salary was too small and + his own people were too rich. + </p> + <p> + If you add to all that that he came up to the judge's house one night and + found a poet reciting verses to Zena, you will understand the suicide at + once. It was one of those regular poets with a solemn jackass face, and + lank parted hair and eyes like puddles of molasses. I don't know how he + came there—up from the city, probably—but there he was on the + Pepperleighs' verandah that August evening. He was reciting poetry—either + Tennyson's or Shelley's, or his own, you couldn't tell—and about him + sat Zena with her hands clasped and Nora Gallagher looking at the sky and + Jocelyn Drone gazing into infinity, and a little tubby woman looking at + the poet with her head falling over sideways—in fact, there was a + whole group of them. + </p> + <p> + I don't know what it is about poets that draws women to them in this way. + But everybody knows that a poet has only to sit and saw the air with his + hands and recite verses in a deep stupid voice, and all the women are + crazy over him. Men despise him and would kick him off the verandah if + they dared, but the women simply rave over him. + </p> + <p> + So Pupkin sat there in the gloom and listened to this poet reciting + Browning and he realized that everybody understood it but him. He could + see Zena with her eyes fixed on the poet as if she were hanging on to + every syllable (she was; she needed to), and he stood it just about + fifteen minutes and then slid off the side of the verandah and disappeared + without even saying good-night. + </p> + <p> + He walked straight down Oneida Street and along the Main Street just as + hard as he could go. There was only one purpose in his mind,—suicide. + He was heading straight for Jim Eliot's drug store on the main corner and + his idea was to buy a drink of chloroform and drink it and die right there + on the spot. + </p> + <p> + As Pupkin walked down the street, the whole thing was so vivid in his mind + that he could picture it to the remotest detail. He could even see it all + in type, in big headings in the newspapers of the following day: + </p> + <p> + APPALLING SUICIDE. PETER PUPKIN POISONED. + </p> + <p> + He perhaps hoped that the thing might lead to some kind of public enquiry + and that the question of Browning's poetry and whether it is altogether + fair to allow of its general circulation would be fully ventilated in the + newspapers. + </p> + <p> + Thinking of that, Pupkin came to the main corner. + </p> + <p> + On a warm August evening the drug store of Mariposa, as you know, is all a + blaze of lights. You can hear the hissing of the soda-water fountain half + a block away, and inside the store there are ever so many people—boys + and girls and old people too—all drinking sarsaparilla and chocolate + sundaes and lemon sours and foaming drinks that you take out of long + straws. There is such a laughing and a talking as you never heard, and the + girls are all in white and pink and cambridge blue, and the soda fountain + is of white marble with silver taps, and it hisses and sputters, and Jim + Eliot and his assistant wear white coats with red geraniums in them, and + it's just as gay as gay. + </p> + <p> + The foyer of the opera in Paris may be a fine sight, but I doubt if it can + compare with the inside of Eliot's drug store in Mariposa—for real + gaiety and joy of living. + </p> + <p> + This night the store was especially crowded because it was a Saturday and + that meant early closing for all the hotels, except, of course, Smith's. + So as the hotels were shut, the people were all in the drug store, + drinking like fishes. It just shows the folly of Local Option and the + Temperance Movement and all that. Why, if you shut the hotels you simply + drive the people to the soda fountains and there's more drinking than + ever, and not only of the men, too, but the girls and young boys and + children. I've seen little things of eight and nine that had to be lifted + up on the high stools at Eliot's drug store, drinking great goblets of + lemon soda, enough to burst them—brought there by their own fathers, + and why? Simply because the hotel bars were shut. + </p> + <p> + What's the use of thinking you can stop people drinking merely by cutting + off whiskey and brandy? The only effect is to drive them to taking lemon + sour and sarsaparilla and cherry pectoral and caroka cordial and things + they wouldn't have touched before. So in the long run they drink more than + ever. The point is that you can't prevent people having a good time, no + matter how hard you try. If they can't have it with lager beer and brandy, + they'll have it with plain soda and lemon pop, and so the whole gloomy + scheme of the temperance people breaks down, anyway. + </p> + <p> + But I was only saying that Eliot's drug store in Mariposa on a Saturday + night is the gayest and brightest spot in the world. + </p> + <p> + And just imagine what a fool of a place to commit suicide in! + </p> + <p> + Just imagine going up to the soda-water fountain and asking for five + cents' worth of chloroform and soda! Well, you simply can't, that's all. + </p> + <p> + That's the way Pupkin found it. You see, as soon as he came in, somebody + called out: "Hello, Pete!" and one or two others called: "Hullo, Pup!" and + some said: "How goes it?" and others: "How are you toughing it?" and so + on, because you see they had all been drinking more or less and naturally + they felt jolly and glad-hearted. + </p> + <p> + So the upshot of it was that instead of taking chloroform, Pupkin stepped + up to the counter of the fountain and he had a bromo-seltzer with cherry + soda, and after that he had one of those aerated seltzers, and then a + couple of lemon seltzers and a bromo-phizzer. + </p> + <p> + I don't know if you know the mental effect of a bromo-seltzer. + </p> + <p> + But it's a hard thing to commit suicide on. + </p> + <p> + You can't. + </p> + <p> + You feel so buoyant. + </p> + <p> + Anyway, what with the phizzing of the seltzer and the lights and the + girls, Pupkin began to feel so fine that he didn't care a cuss for all the + Browning in the world, and as for the poet—oh, to blazes with him! + What's poetry, anyway?—only rhymes. + </p> + <p> + So, would you believe it, in about ten minutes Peter Pupkin was off again + and heading straight for the Pepperleighs' house, poet or no poet, and, + what was more to the point, he carried with him three great bricks of + Eliot's ice cream—in green, pink and brown layers. He struck the + verandah just at the moment when Browning was getting too stale and dreary + for words. His brain was all sizzling and jolly with the bromo-seltzer, + and when he fetched out the ice cream bricks and Zena ran to get plates + and spoons to eat it with, and Pupkin went with her to help fetch them and + they picked out the spoons together, they were so laughing and happy that + it was just a marvel. Girls, you know, need no bromo-seltzer. They're full + of it all the time. + </p> + <p> + And as for the poet—well, can you imagine how Pupkin felt when Zena + told him that the poet was married, and that the tubby little woman with + her head on sideways was his wife? + </p> + <p> + So they had the ice cream, and the poet ate it in bucketsful. Poets always + do. They need it. And after it the poet recited some stanzas of his own + and Pupkin saw that he had misjudged the man, because it was dandy poetry, + the very best. That night Pupkin walked home on air and there was no + thought of chloroform, and it turned out that he hadn't committed suicide, + but like all lovers he had commuted it. + </p> + <p> + I don't need to describe in full the later suicides of Mr. Pupkin, because + they were all conducted on the same plan and rested on something the same + reasons as above. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes he would go down at night to the offices of the bank below his + bedroom and bring up his bank revolver in order to make an end of himself + with it. This, too, he could see headed up in the newspapers as: + </p> + <p> + BRILLIANT BOY BANKER BLOWS OUT BRAINS. + </p> + <p> + But blowing your brains out is a noisy, rackety performance, and Pupkin + soon found that only special kinds of brains are suited for it. So he + always sneaked back again later in the night and put the revolver in its + place, deciding to drown himself instead. Yet every time that he walked + down to the Trestle Bridge over the Ossawippi he found it was quite + unsuitable for drowning—too high, and the water too swift and black, + and the rushes too gruesome—in fact, not at all the kind of place + for a drowning. + </p> + <p> + Far better, he realized, to wait there on the railroad track and throw + himself under the wheels of the express and be done with it. Yet, though + Pupkin often waited in this way for the train, he was never able to pick + out a pair of wheels that suited him. Anyhow, it's awfully hard to tell an + express from a fast freight. + </p> + <p> + I wouldn't mention these attempts at suicide if one of them hadn't finally + culminated in making Peter Pupkin a hero and solving for him the whole + perplexed entanglement of his love affair with Zena Pepperleigh. + Incidentally it threw him into the very centre of one of the most + impenetrable bank mysteries that ever baffled the ingenuity of some of the + finest legal talent that ever adorned one of the most enterprising + communities in the country. + </p> + <p> + It happened one night, as I say, that Pupkin decided to go down into the + office of the bank and get his revolver and see if it would blow his + brains out. It was the night of the Firemen's Ball and Zena had danced + four times with a visitor from the city, a man who was in the fourth year + at the University and who knew everything. It was more than Peter Pupkin + could bear. Mallory Tompkins was away that night, and when Pupkin came + home he was all alone in the building, except for Gillis, the caretaker, + who lived in the extension at the back. + </p> + <p> + He sat in his room for hours brooding. Two or three times he picked up a + book—he remembered afterwards distinctly that it was Kant's Critique + of Pure Reason—and tried to read it, but it seemed meaningless and + trivial. Then with a sudden access of resolution he started from his chair + and made his way down the stairs and into the office room of the bank, + meaning to get a revolver and kill himself on the spot and let them find + his body lying on the floor. + </p> + <p> + It was then far on in the night and the empty building of the bank was as + still as death. Pupkin could hear the stairs creak under his feet, and as + he went he thought he heard another sound like the opening or closing of a + door. But it sounded not like the sharp ordinary noise of a closing door + but with a dull muffled noise as if someone had shut the iron door of a + safe in a room under the ground. For a moment Pupkin stood and listened + with his heart thumping against his ribs. Then he kicked his slippers from + his feet and without a sound stole into the office on the ground floor and + took the revolver from his teller's desk. As he gripped it, he listened to + the sounds on the back-stairway and in the vaults below. + </p> + <p> + I should explain that in the Exchange Bank of Mariposa the offices are on + the ground floor level with the street. Below this is another floor with + low dark rooms paved with flagstones, with unused office desks and with + piles of papers stored in boxes. On this floor are the vaults of the bank, + and lying in them in the autumn—the grain season—there is + anything from fifty to a hundred thousand dollars in currency tied in + bundles. There is no other light down there than the dim reflection from + the lights out on the street, that lies in patches on the stone floor. + </p> + <p> + I think as Peter Pupkin stood, revolver in hand, in the office of the + bank, he had forgotten all about the maudlin purpose of his first coming. + He had forgotten for the moment all about heroes and love affairs, and his + whole mind was focussed, sharp and alert, with the intensity of the + night-time, on the sounds that he heard in the vault and on the + back-stairway of the bank. + </p> + <p> + Straight away, Pupkin knew what it meant as plainly as if it were written + in print. He had forgotten, I say, about being a hero and he only knew + that there was sixty thousand dollars in the vault of the bank below, and + that he was paid eight hundred dollars a year to look after it. + </p> + <p> + As Peter Pupkin stood there listening to the sounds in his stockinged + feet, his faced showed grey as ashes in the light that fell through the + window from the street. His heart beat like a hammer against his ribs. But + behind its beatings was the blood of four generations of Loyalists, and + the robber who would take that sixty thousand dollars from the Mariposa + bank must take it over the dead body of Peter Pupkin, teller. + </p> + <p> + Pupkin walked down the stairs to the lower room, the one below the ground + with the bank vault in it, with as fine a step as any of his ancestors + showed on parade. And if he had known it, as he came down the stairway in + the front of the vault room, there was a man crouched in the shadow of the + passage way by the stairs at the back. This man, too, held a revolver in + his hand, and, criminal or not, his face was as resolute as Pupkin's own. + As he heard the teller's step on the stair, he turned and waited in the + shadow of the doorway without a sound. + </p> + <p> + There is no need really to mention all these details. They are only of + interest as showing how sometimes a bank teller in a corded smoking jacket + and stockinged feet may be turned into such a hero as even the Mariposa + girls might dream about. + </p> + <p> + All of this must have happened at about three o'clock in the night. This + much was established afterwards from the evidence of Gillis, the + caretaker. When he first heard the sounds he had looked at his watch and + noticed that it was half-past two; the watch he knew was three-quarters of + an hour slow three days before and had been gaining since. The exact time + at which Gillis heard footsteps in the bank and started downstairs, pistol + in hand, became a nice point afterwards in the cross-examination. + </p> + <p> + But one must not anticipate. Pupkin reached the iron door of the bank + safe, and knelt in front of it, feeling in the dark to find the fracture + of the lock. As he knelt, he heard a sound behind him, and swung round on + his knees and saw the bank robber in the half light of the passage way and + the glitter of a pistol in his hand. The rest was over in an instant. + Pupkin heard a voice that was his own, but that sounded strange and + hollow, call out: "Drop that, or I'll fire!" and then just as he raised + his revolver, there came a blinding flash of light before his eyes, and + Peter Pupkin, junior teller of the bank, fell forward on the floor and + knew no more. + </p> + <p> + At that point, of course, I ought to close down a chapter, or volume, or, + at least, strike the reader over the head with a sandbag to force him to + stop and think. In common fairness one ought to stop here and count a + hundred or get up and walk round a block, or, at any rate, picture to + oneself Peter Pupkin lying on the floor of the bank, motionless, his arms + distended, the revolver still grasped in his hand. But I must go on. + </p> + <p> + By half-past seven on the following morning it was known all over Mariposa + that Peter Pupkin the junior teller of the Exchange had been shot dead by + a bank robber in the vault of the building. It was known also that Gillis, + the caretaker, had been shot and killed at the foot of the stairs, and + that the robber had made off with fifty thousand dollars in currency; that + he had left a trail of blood on the sidewalk and that the men were out + tracking him with bloodhounds in the great swamps to the north of the + town. + </p> + <p> + This, I say, and it is important to note it, was what they knew at + half-past seven. Of course as each hour went past they learned more and + more. At eight o'clock it was known that Pupkin was not dead, but + dangerously wounded in the lungs. At eight-thirty it was known that he was + not shot in the lungs, but that the ball had traversed the pit of his + stomach. + </p> + <p> + At nine o'clock it was learned that the pit of Pupkin's stomach was all + right, but that the bullet had struck his right ear and carried it away. + Finally it was learned that his ear had not exactly been carried away, + that is, not precisely removed by the bullet, but that it had grazed + Pupkin's head in such a way that it had stunned him, and if it had been an + inch or two more to the left it might have reached his brain. This, of + course, was just as good as being killed from the point of view of public + interest. + </p> + <p> + Indeed, by nine o'clock Pupkin could be himself seen on the Main Street + with a great bandage sideways on his head, pointing out the traces of the + robber. Gillis, the caretaker, too, it was known by eight, had not been + killed. He had been shot through the brain, but whether the injury was + serious or not was only a matter of conjecture. In fact, by ten o'clock it + was understood that the bullet from the robber's second shot had grazed + the side of the caretaker's head, but as far as could be known his brain + was just as before. I should add that the first report about the + bloodstains and the swamp and the bloodhounds turned out to be inaccurate. + The stains may have been blood, but as they led to the cellar way of + Netley's store they may have also been molasses, though it was argued, to + be sure, that the robber might well have poured molasses over the + bloodstains from sheer cunning. + </p> + <p> + It was remembered, too, that there were no bloodhounds in Mariposa, + although, mind you, there are any amount of dogs there. + </p> + <p> + So you see that by ten o'clock in the morning the whole affair was + settling into the impenetrable mystery which it ever since remained. + </p> + <p> + Not that there wasn't evidence enough. There was Pupkin's own story and + Gillis's story, and the stories of all the people who had heard the shots + and seen the robber (some said, the bunch of robbers) go running past + (others said, walking past), in the night. Apparently the robber ran up + and down half the streets of Mariposa before he vanished. + </p> + <p> + But the stories of Pupkin and Gillis were plain enough. Pupkin related + that he heard sounds in the bank and came downstairs just in time to see + the robber crouching in the passage way, and that the robber was a large, + hulking, villainous looking man, wearing a heavy coat. Gillis told exactly + the same story, having heard the noises at the same time, except that he + first described the robber as a small thin fellow (peculiarly villainous + looking, however, even in the dark), wearing a short jacket; but on + thinking it over, Gillis realized that he had been wrong about the size of + the criminal, and that he was even bigger, if anything, than what Mr. + Pupkin thought. Gillis had fired at the robber; just at the same moment + had Mr. Pupkin. + </p> + <p> + Beyond that, all was mystery, absolute and impenetrable. + </p> + <p> + By eleven o'clock the detectives had come up from the city under orders + from the head of the bank. + </p> + <p> + I wish you could have seen the two detectives as they moved to and fro in + Mariposa—fine looking, stern, impenetrable men that they were. They + seemed to take in the whole town by instinct and so quietly. They found + their way to Mr. Smith's Hotel just as quietly as if it wasn't design at + all and stood there at the bar, picking up scraps of conversation—you + know the way detectives do it. Occasionally they allowed one or two + bystanders—confederates, perhaps,—to buy a drink for them, and + you could see from the way they drank it that they were still listening + for a clue. If there had been the faintest clue in Smith's Hotel or in the + Mariposa House or in the Continental, those fellows would have been at it + like a flash. + </p> + <p> + To see them moving round the town that day—silent, massive, + imperturbable—gave one a great idea of their strange, dangerous + calling. They went about the town all day and yet in such a quiet peculiar + way that you couldn't have realized that they were working at all. They + ate their dinner together at Smith's cafe and took an hour and a half over + it to throw people off the scent. Then when they got them off it, they sat + and talked with Josh Smith in the back bar to keep them off. Mr. Smith + seemed to take to them right away. They were men of his own size, or near + it, and anyway hotel men and detectives have a general affinity and share + in the same impenetrable silence and in their confidential knowledge of + the weaknesses of the public. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith, too, was of great use to the detectives. "Boys," he said, "I + wouldn't ask too close as to what folks was out late at night: in this + town it don't do." + </p> + <p> + When those two great brains finally left for the city on the five-thirty, + it was hard to realize that behind each grand, impassible face a perfect + vortex of clues was seething. + </p> + <p> + But if the detectives were heroes, what was Pupkin? Imagine him with his + bandage on his head standing in front of the bank and talking of the + midnight robbery with that peculiar false modesty that only heroes are + entitled to use. + </p> + <p> + I don't know whether you have ever been a hero, but for sheer exhilaration + there is nothing like it. And for Mr. Pupkin, who had gone through life + thinking himself no good, to be suddenly exalted into the class of + Napoleon Bonaparte and John Maynard and the Charge of the Light Brigade—oh, + it was wonderful. Because Pupkin was a brave man now and he knew it and + acquired with it all the brave man's modesty. In fact, I believe he was + heard to say that he had only done his duty, and that what he did was what + any other man would have done: though when somebody else said: "That's so, + when you come to think of it," Pupkin turned on him that quiet look of the + wounded hero, bitterer than words. + </p> + <p> + And if Pupkin had known that all of the afternoon papers in the city + reported him dead, he would have felt more luxurious still. + </p> + <p> + That afternoon the Mariposa court sat in enquiry,—technically it was + summoned in inquest on the dead robber—though they hadn't found the + body—and it was wonderful to see them lining up the witnesses and + holding cross-examinations. There is something in the cross-examination of + great criminal lawyers like Nivens, of Mariposa, and in the counter + examinations of presiding judges like Pepperleigh that thrills you to the + core with the astuteness of it. + </p> + <p> + They had Henry Mullins, the manager, on the stand for an hour and a half, + and the excitement was so breathless that you could have heard a pin drop. + Nivens took him on first. + </p> + <p> + "What is your name?" he said. + </p> + <p> + "Henry August Mullins." + </p> + <p> + "What position do you hold?" + </p> + <p> + "I am manager of the Exchange Bank." + </p> + <p> + "When were you born?" + </p> + <p> + "December 30, 1869." + </p> + <p> + After that, Nivens stood looking quietly at Mullins. You could feel that + he was thinking pretty deeply before he shot the next question at him. + </p> + <p> + "Where did you go to school?" + </p> + <p> + Mullins answered straight off: "The high school down home," and Nivens + thought again for a while and then asked: + </p> + <p> + "How many boys were at the school?" + </p> + <p> + "About sixty." + </p> + <p> + "How many masters?" + </p> + <p> + "About three." + </p> + <p> + After that Nivens paused a long while and seemed to be digesting the + evidence, but at last an idea seemed to strike him and he said: + </p> + <p> + "I understand you were not on the bank premises last night. Where were + you?" + </p> + <p> + "Down the lake duck shooting." + </p> + <p> + You should have seen the excitement in the court when Mullins said this. + The judge leaned forward in his chair and broke in at once. + </p> + <p> + "Did you get any, Harry?" he asked. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," Mullins said, "about six." + </p> + <p> + "Where did you get them? What? In the wild rice marsh past the river? You + don't say so! Did you get them on the sit or how?" + </p> + <p> + All of these questions were fired off at the witness from the court in a + single breath. In fact, it was the knowledge that the first ducks of the + season had been seen in the Ossawippi marsh that led to the termination of + the proceedings before the afternoon was a quarter over. Mullins and + George Duff and half the witnesses were off with shotguns as soon as the + court was cleared. + </p> + <p> + I may as well state at once that the full story of the robbery of the bank + of Mariposa never came to the light. A number of arrests—mostly of + vagrants and suspicious characters—were made, but the guilt of the + robbery was never brought home to them. One man was arrested twenty miles + away, at the other end of Missinaba county, who not only corresponded + exactly with the description of the robber, but, in addition to this, had + a wooden leg. Vagrants with one leg are always regarded with suspicion in + places like Mariposa, and whenever a robbery or a murder happens they are + arrested in batches. + </p> + <p> + It was never even known just how much money was stolen from the bank. Some + people said ten thousand dollars, others more. The bank, no doubt for + business motives, claimed that the contents of the safe were intact and + that the robber had been foiled in his design. + </p> + <p> + But none of this matters to the exaltation of Mr. Pupkin. Good fortune, + like bad, never comes in small instalments. On that wonderful day, every + good thing happened to Peter Pupkin at once. The morning saw him a hero. + At the sitting of the court, the judge publicly told him that his conduct + was fit to rank among the annals of the pioneers of Tecumseh Township, and + asked him to his house for supper. At five o'clock he received the + telegram of promotion from the head office that raised his salary to a + thousand dollars, and made him not only a hero but a marriageable man. At + six o'clock he started up to the judge's house with his resolution nerved + to the most momentous step of his life. + </p> + <p> + His mind was made up. + </p> + <p> + He would do a thing seldom if ever done in Mariposa. He would propose to + Zena Pepperleigh. In Mariposa this kind of step, I say, is seldom taken. + The course of love runs on and on through all its stages of tennis playing + and dancing and sleigh riding, till by sheer notoriety of circumstance an + understanding is reached. To propose straight out would be thought + priggish and affected and is supposed to belong only to people in books. + </p> + <p> + But Pupkin felt that what ordinary people dare not do, heroes are allowed + to attempt. He would propose to Zena, and more than that, he would tell + her in a straight, manly way that he was rich and take the consequences. + </p> + <p> + And he did it. + </p> + <p> + That night on the piazza, where the hammock hangs in the shadow of the + Virginia creeper, he did it. By sheer good luck the judge had gone indoors + to the library, and by a piece of rare good fortune Mrs. Pepperleigh had + gone indoors to the sewing room, and by a happy trick of coincidence the + servant was out and the dog was tied up—in fact, no such chain of + circumstances was ever offered in favour of mortal man before. + </p> + <p> + What Zena said—beyond saying yes—I do not know. I am sure that + when Pupkin told her of the money, she bore up as bravely as so fine a + girl as Zena would, and when he spoke of diamonds she said she would wear + them for his sake. + </p> + <p> + They were saying these things and other things—ever so many other + things—when there was such a roar and a clatter up Oneida Street as + you never heard, and there came bounding up to the house one of the most + marvellous Limousine touring cars that ever drew up at the home of a judge + on a modest salary of three thousand dollars. When it stopped there sprang + from it an excited man in a long sealskin coat—worn not for the + luxury of it at all but from the sheer chilliness of the autumn evening. + And it was, as of course you know, Pupkin's father. He had seen the news + of his son's death in the evening paper in the city. They drove the car + through, so the chauffeur said, in two hours and a quarter, and behind + them there was to follow a special trainload of detectives and emergency + men, but Pupkin senior had cancelled all that by telegram half way up when + he heard that Peter was still living. + </p> + <p> + For a moment as his eye rested on young Pupkin you would almost have + imagined, had you not known that he came from the Maritime Provinces, that + there were tears in them and that he was about to hug his son to his + heart. But if he didn't hug Peter to his heart, he certainly did within a + few moments clasp Zena to it, in that fine fatherly way in which they + clasp pretty girls in the Maritime Provinces. The strangest thing is that + Pupkin senior seemed to understand the whole situation without any + explanations at all. + </p> + <p> + Judge Pepperleigh, I think, would have shaken both of Pupkin senior's arms + off when he saw him; and when you heard them call one another "Ned" and + "Phillip" it made you feel that they were boys again attending classes + together at the old law school in the city. + </p> + <p> + If Pupkin thought that his father wouldn't make a hit in Mariposa, it only + showed his ignorance. Pupkin senior sat there on the judge's verandah + smoking a corn cob pipe as if he had never heard of Havana cigars in his + life. In the three days that he spent in Mariposa that autumn, he went in + and out of Jeff Thorpe's barber shop and Eliot's drug store, shot black + ducks in the marsh and played poker every evening at a hundred matches for + a cent as if he had never lived any other life in all his days. They had + to send him telegrams enough to fill a satchel to make him come away. + </p> + <p> + So Pupkin and Zena in due course of time were married, and went to live in + one of the enchanted houses on the hillside in the newer part of the town, + where you may find them to this day. + </p> + <p> + You may see Pupkin there at any time cutting enchanted grass on a little + lawn in as gaudy a blazer as ever. + </p> + <p> + But if you step up to speak to him or walk with him into the enchanted + house, pray modulate your voice a little musical though it is—for + there is said to be an enchanted baby on the premises whose sleep must not + lightly be disturbed. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + TEN. The Great Election in Missinaba County + </h2> + <p> + Don't ask me what election it was, whether Dominion or Provincial or + Imperial or Universal, for I scarcely know. + </p> + <p> + It must, of course, have been going on in other parts of the country as + well, but I saw it all from Missinaba County which, with the town of + Mariposa, was, of course, the storm centre and focus point of the whole + turmoil. + </p> + <p> + I only know that it was a huge election and that on it turned issues of + the most tremendous importance, such as whether or not Mariposa should + become part of the United States, and whether the flag that had waved over + the school house at Tecumseh Township for ten centuries should be trampled + under the hoof of an alien invader, and whether Britons should be slaves, + and whether Canadians should be Britons, and whether the farming class + would prove themselves Canadians, and tremendous questions of that kind. + </p> + <p> + And there was such a roar and a tumult to it, and such a waving of flags + and beating of drums and flaring of torchlights that such parts of the + election as may have been going on elsewhere than in Missinaba county must + have been quite unimportant and didn't really matter. + </p> + <p> + Now that it is all over, we can look back at it without heat or passion. + We can see,—it's plain enough now,—that in the great election + Canada saved the British Empire, and that Missinaba saved Canada and that + the vote of the Third Concession of Tecumseh Township saved Missinaba + County, and that those of us who carried the third concession,—well, + there's no need to push it further. We prefer to be modest about it. If we + still speak of it, it is only quietly and simply and not more than three + or four times a day. + </p> + <p> + But you can't understand the election at all, and the conventions and the + campaigns and the nominations and the balloting, unless you first + appreciate the peculiar complexion of politics in Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + Let me begin at the beginning. Everybody in Mariposa is either a Liberal + or a Conservative or else is both. Some of the people are or have been + Liberals or Conservatives all their lives and are called dyed-in-the-wool + Grits or old-time Tories and things of that sort. These people get from + long training such a swift penetrating insight into national issues that + they can decide the most complicated question in four seconds: in fact, + just as soon as they grab the city papers out of the morning mail, they + know the whole solution of any problem you can put to them. There are + other people whose aim it is to be broad-minded and judicious and who vote + Liberal or Conservative according to their judgment of the questions of + the day. If their judgment of these questions tells them that there is + something in it for them in voting Liberal, then they do so. But if not, + they refuse to be the slaves of a party or the henchmen of any political + leader. So that anybody looking for henches has got to keep away from + them. + </p> + <p> + But the one thing that nobody is allowed to do in Mariposa is to have no + politics. Of course there are always some people whose circumstances + compel them to say that they have no politics. But that is easily + understood. Take the case of Trelawney, the postmaster. Long ago he was a + letter carrier under the old Mackenzie Government, and later he was a + letter sorter under the old Macdonald Government, and after that a letter + stamper under the old Tupper Government, and so on. Trelawney always says + that he has no politics, but the truth is that he has too many. + </p> + <p> + So, too, with the clergy in Mariposa. They have no politics—absolutely + none. Yet Dean Drone round election time always announces as his text such + a verse as: "Lo! is there not one righteous man in Israel?" or: "What ho! + is it not time for a change?" And that is a signal for all the Liberal + business men to get up and leave their pews. + </p> + <p> + Similarly over at the Presbyterian Church, the minister says that his + sacred calling will not allow him to take part in politics and that his + sacred calling prevents him from breathing even a word of harshness + against his fellow man, but that when it comes to the elevation of the + ungodly into high places in the commonwealth (this means, of course, the + nomination of the Conservative candidate) then he's not going to allow his + sacred calling to prevent him from saying just what he thinks of it. And + by that time, having pretty well cleared the church of Conservatives, he + proceeds to show from the scriptures that the ancient Hebrews were + Liberals to a man, except those who were drowned in the flood or who + perished, more or less deservedly, in the desert. + </p> + <p> + There are, I say, some people who are allowed to claim to have no + politics,—the office holders, and the clergy and the school teachers + and the hotel keepers. But beyond them, anybody in Mariposa who says that + he has no politics is looked upon as crooked, and people wonder what it is + that he is "out after." + </p> + <p> + In fact, the whole town and county is a hive of politics, and people who + have only witnessed gatherings such as the House of Commons at Westminster + and the Senate at Washington and never seen a Conservative Convention at + Tecumseh Corners or a Liberal Rally at the Concession school house, don't + know what politics means. + </p> + <p> + So you may imagine the excitement in Mariposa when it became known that + King George had dissolved the parliament of Canada and had sent out a writ + or command for Missinaba County to elect for him some other person than + John Henry Bagshaw because he no longer had confidence in him. + </p> + <p> + The king, of course, is very well known, very favourably known, in + Mariposa. Everybody remembers how he visited the town on his great tour in + Canada, and stopped off at the Mariposa station. Although he was only a + prince at the time, there was quite a big crowd down at the depot and + everybody felt what a shame it was that the prince had no time to see more + of Mariposa, because he would get such a false idea of it, seeing only the + station and the lumber yards. Still, they all came to the station and all + the Liberals and Conservatives mixed together perfectly freely and stood + side by side without any distinction, so that the prince should not + observe any party differences among them. And he didn't,—you could + see that he didn't. They read him an address all about the tranquillity + and loyalty of the Empire, and they purposely left out any reference to + the trouble over the town wharf or the big row there had been about the + location of the new post-office. There was a general decent feeling that + it wouldn't be fair to disturb the prince with these things: later on, as + king, he would, of course, <i>have</i> to know all about them, but + meanwhile it was better to leave him with the idea that his empire was + tranquil. + </p> + <p> + So they deliberately couched the address in terms that were just as + reassuring as possible and the prince was simply delighted with it. I am + certain that he slept pretty soundly after hearing that address. Why, you + could see it taking effect even on his aides-de-camp and the people round + him, so imagine how the prince must have felt! + </p> + <p> + I think in Mariposa they understand kings perfectly. Every time that a + king or a prince comes, they try to make him see the bright side of + everything and let him think that they're all united. Judge Pepperleigh + walked up and down arm in arm with Dr. Gallagher, the worst Grit in the + town, just to make the prince feel fine. + </p> + <p> + So when they got the news that the king had lost confidence in John Henry + Bagshaw, the sitting member, they never questioned it a bit. Lost + confidence? All right, they'd elect him another right away. They'd elect + him half a dozen if he needed them. They don't mind; they'd elect the + whole town man after man rather than have the king worried about it. + </p> + <p> + In any case, all the Conservatives had been wondering for years how the + king and the governor-general and men like that had tolerated such a man + as Bagshaw so long. + </p> + <p> + Missinaba County, I say, is a regular hive of politics, and not the + miserable, crooked, money-ridden politics of the cities, but the straight, + real old-fashioned thing that is an honour to the country side. Any man + who would offer to take a bribe or sell his convictions for money, would + be an object of scorn. I don't say they wouldn't take money,—they + would, of course, why not?—but if they did they would take it in a + straight fearless way and say nothing about it. They might,—it's + only human,—accept a job or a contract from the government, but if + they did, rest assured it would be in a broad national spirit and not for + the sake of the work itself. No, sir. Not for a minute. + </p> + <p> + Any man who wants to get the votes of the Missinaba farmers and the + Mariposa business men has got to persuade them that he's the right man. If + he can do that,—if he can persuade any one of them that he is the + right man and that all the rest know it, then they'll vote for him. + </p> + <p> + The division, I repeat, between the Liberals and the Conservatives, is + intense. Yet you might live for a long while in the town, between + elections, and never know it. It is only when you get to understand the + people that you begin to see that there is a cross division running + through them that nothing can ever remove. You gradually become aware of + fine subtle distinctions that miss your observation at first. Outwardly, + they are all friendly enough. For instance, Joe Milligan the dentist is a + Conservative, and has been for six years, and yet he shares the same + boat-house with young Dr. Gallagher, who is a Liberal, and they even + bought a motor boat between them. Pete Glover and Alf McNichol were in + partnership in the hardware and paint store, though they belonged on + different sides. + </p> + <p> + But just as soon as elections drew near, the differences in politics + became perfectly apparent. Liberals and Conservatives drew away from one + another. Joe Milligan used the motor boat one Saturday and Dr. Gallagher + the next, and Pete Glover sold hardware on one side of the store and Alf + McNichol sold paint on the other. You soon realized too that one of the + newspapers was Conservative and the other was Liberal, and that there was + a Liberal drug store and a Conservative drug store, and so on. Similarly + round election time, the Mariposa House was the Liberal Hotel, and the + Continental Conservative, though Mr. Smith's place, where they always put + on a couple of extra bar tenders, was what you might call + Independent-Liberal-Conservative, with a dash of Imperialism thrown in. + Mr. Gingham, the undertaker, was, as a natural effect of his calling, an + advanced Liberal, but at election time he always engaged a special + assistant for embalming Conservative customers. + </p> + <p> + So now, I think, you understand something of the general political + surroundings of the great election in Missinaba County. + </p> + <p> + John Henry Bagshaw was the sitting member, the Liberal member, for + Missinaba County. + </p> + <p> + The Liberals called him the old war horse, and the old battle-axe, and the + old charger and the old champion and all sorts of things of that kind. The + Conservatives called him the old jackass and the old army mule and the old + booze fighter and the old grafter and the old scoundrel. + </p> + <p> + John Henry Bagshaw was, I suppose, one of the greatest political forces in + the world. He had flowing white hair crowned with a fedora hat, and a + smooth statesmanlike face which it cost the country twenty-five cents a + day to shave. + </p> + <p> + Altogether the Dominion of Canada had spent over two thousand dollars in + shaving that face during the twenty years that Bagshaw had represented + Missinaba County. But the result had been well worth it. + </p> + <p> + Bagshaw wore a long political overcoat that it cost the country twenty + cents a day to brush, and boots that cost the Dominion fifteen cents every + morning to shine. + </p> + <p> + But it was money well spent. + </p> + <p> + Bagshaw of Mariposa was one of the most representative men of the age, and + it's no wonder that he had been returned for the county for five elections + running, leaving the Conservatives nowhere. Just think how representative + he was. He owned two hundred acres out on the Third Concession and kept + two men working on it all the time to prove that he was a practical + farmer. They sent in fat hogs to the Missinaba County Agricultural + Exposition and the World's Fair every autumn, and Bagshaw himself stood + beside the pig pens with the judges, and wore a pair of corduroy breeches + and chewed a straw all afternoon. After that if any farmer thought that he + was not properly represented in Parliament, it showed that he was an ass. + </p> + <p> + Bagshaw owned a half share in the harness business and a quarter share in + the tannery and that made him a business man. He paid for a pew in the + Presbyterian Church and that represented religion in Parliament. He + attended college for two sessions thirty years ago, and that represented + education and kept him abreast with modern science, if not ahead of it. He + kept a little account in one bank and a big account in the other, so that + he was a rich man or a poor man at the same time. + </p> + <p> + Add to that that John Henry Bagshaw was perhaps the finest orator in + Mariposa. That, of course, is saying a great deal. There are speakers + there, lots of them that can talk two or three hours at a stretch, but the + old war horse could beat them all. They say that when John Henry Bagshaw + got well started, say after a couple of hours of talk, he could speak as + Pericles or Demosthenes or Cicero never could have spoken. + </p> + <p> + You could tell Bagshaw a hundred yards off as a member of the House of + Commons. He wore a pepper-and-salt suit to show that he came from a rural + constituency, and he wore a broad gold watch-chain with dangling seals to + show that he also represents a town. You could see from his quiet low + collar and white tie that his electorate were a Godfearing, religious + people, while the horseshoe pin that he wore showed that his electorate + were not without sporting instincts and knew a horse from a jackass. + </p> + <p> + Most of the time, John Henry Bagshaw had to be at Ottawa (though he + preferred the quiet of his farm and always left it, as he said, with a + sigh). If he was not in Ottawa, he was in Washington, and of course at any + time they might need him in London, so that it was no wonder that he could + only be in Mariposa about two months of the year. + </p> + <p> + That is why everybody knew, when Bagshaw got off the afternoon train one + day early in the spring, that there must be something very important + coming and that the rumours about a new election must be perfectly true. + </p> + <p> + Everything that he did showed this. He gave the baggage man twenty-five + cents to take the check off his trunk, the 'bus driver fifty cents to + drive him up to the Main Street, and he went into Callahan's tobacco store + and bought two ten-cent cigars and took them across the street and gave + them to Mallory Tompkins of the Times-Herald as a present from the Prime + Minister. + </p> + <p> + All that afternoon, Bagshaw went up and down the Main Street of Mariposa, + and you could see, if you knew the signs of it, that there was politics in + the air. He bought nails and putty and glass in the hardware store, and + harness in the harness shop, and drugs in the drug store and toys in the + toy shop, and all the things like that that are needed for a big campaign. + </p> + <p> + Then when he had done all this he went over with McGinnis the Liberal + organizer and Mallory Tompkins, the Times-Herald man, and Gingham (the + great Independent-Liberal undertaker) to the back parlour in the Mariposa + House. + </p> + <p> + You could tell from the way John Henry Bagshaw closed the door before he + sat down that he was in a pretty serious frame of mind. + </p> + <p> + "Gentlemen," he said, "the election is a certainty. We're going to have a + big fight on our hands and we've got to get ready for it." + </p> + <p> + "Is it going to be on the tariff?" asked Tompkins. + </p> + <p> + "Yes, gentlemen, I'm afraid it is. The whole thing is going to turn on the + tariff question. I wish it were otherwise. I think it madness, but they're + bent on it, and we got to fight it on that line. Why they can't fight it + merely on the question of graft," continued the old war horse, rising from + his seat and walking up and down, "Heaven only knows. I warned them. I + appealed to them. I said, fight the thing on graft and we can win easy. + Take this constituency,—why not have fought the thing out on whether + I spent too much money on the town wharf or the post-office? What better + issues could a man want? Let them claim that I am crooked and let me claim + that I'm not. Surely that was good enough without dragging in the tariff. + But now, gentlemen, tell me about things in the constituency. Is there any + talk yet of who is to run?" + </p> + <p> + Mallory Tompkins lighted up the second of his Prime Minister's cigars and + then answered for the group: + </p> + <p> + "Everybody says that Edward Drone is going to run." + </p> + <p> + "Ah!" said the old war horse, and there was joy upon his face, "is he? At + last! That's good, that's good—now what platform will he run on?" + </p> + <p> + "Independent." + </p> + <p> + "Excellent," said Mr. Bagshaw. "Independent, that's fine. On a programme + of what?" + </p> + <p> + "Just simple honesty and public morality." + </p> + <p> + "Come now," said the member, "that's splendid: that will help enormously. + Honesty and public morality! The very thing! If Drone runs and makes a + good showing, we win for a certainty. Tompkins, you must lose no time over + this. Can't you manage to get some articles in the other papers hinting + that at the last election we bribed all the voters in the county, and that + we gave out enough contracts to simply pervert the whole constituency. + Imply that we poured the public money into this county in bucketsful and + that we are bound to do it again. Let Drone have plenty of material of + this sort and he'll draw off every honest unbiased vote in the + Conservative party. + </p> + <p> + "My only fear is," continued the old war horse, losing some of his + animation, "that Drone won't run after all. He's said it so often before + and never has. He hasn't got the money. But we must see to that. Gingham, + you know his brother well; you must work it so that we pay Drone's deposit + and his campaign expenses. But how like Drone it is to come out at this + time!" + </p> + <p> + It was indeed very like Edward Drone to attempt so misguided a thing as to + come out an Independent candidate in Missinaba County on a platform of + public honesty. It was just the sort of thing that anyone in Mariposa + would expect from him. + </p> + <p> + Edward Drone was the Rural Dean's younger brother,—young Mr. Drone, + they used to call him, years ago, to distinguish him from the rector. He + was a somewhat weaker copy of his elder brother, with a simple, + inefficient face and kind blue eyes. Edward Drone was, and always had + been, a failure. In training he had been, once upon a time, an engineer + and built dams that broke and bridges that fell down and wharves that + floated away in the spring floods. He had been a manufacturer and failed, + had been a contractor and failed, and now lived a meagre life as a sort of + surveyor or land expert on goodness knows what. + </p> + <p> + In his political ideas Edward Drone was and, as everybody in Mariposa + knew, always had been crazy. He used to come up to the autumn exercises at + the high school and make speeches about the ancient Romans and Titus + Manlius and Quintus Curtius at the same time when John Henry Bagshaw used + to make a speech about the Maple Leaf and ask for an extra half holiday. + Drone used to tell the boys about the lessons to be learned from the lives + of the truly great, and Bagshaw used to talk to them about the lessons + learned from the lives of the extremely rich. Drone used to say that his + heart filled whenever he thought of the splendid patriotism of the ancient + Romans, and Bagshaw said that whenever he looked out over this wide + Dominion his heart overflowed. + </p> + <p> + Even the youngest boy in the school could tell that Drone was foolish. Not + even the school teachers would have voted for him. + </p> + <p> + "What about the Conservatives?" asked Bagshaw presently; "is there any + talk yet as to who they'll bring out?" Gingham and Mallory Tompkins looked + at one another. They were almost afraid to speak. + </p> + <p> + "Hadn't you heard?" said Gingham; "they've got their man already." + </p> + <p> + "Who is it?" said Bagshaw quickly. "They're going to put up Josh Smith." + </p> + <p> + "Great Heaven!" said Bagshaw, jumping to his feet; "Smith! the hotel + keeper." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, sir," said Mr. Gingham, "that's the man." + </p> + <p> + Do you remember, in history, how Napoleon turned pale when he heard that + the Duke of Wellington was to lead the allies in Belgium? Do you remember + how when Themistocles heard that Aristogiton was to lead the Spartans, he + jumped into the sea? Possibly you don't, but it may help you to form some + idea of what John Henry Bagshaw felt when he heard that the Conservatives + had selected Josh Smith, proprietor of Smith's Hotel. + </p> + <p> + You remember Smith. You've seen him there on the steps of his hotel,—two + hundred and eighty pounds in his stockinged feet. You've seen him selling + liquor after hours through sheer public spirit, and you recall how he + saved the lives of hundreds of people on the day when the steamer sank, + and how he saved the town from being destroyed the night when the Church + of England Church burnt down. You know that hotel of his, too, half way + down the street, Smith's Northern Health Resort, though already they were + beginning to call it Smith's British Arms. + </p> + <p> + So you can imagine that Bagshaw came as near to turning pale as a man in + federal politics can. + </p> + <p> + "I never knew Smith was a Conservative," he said faintly; "he always + subscribed to our fund." + </p> + <p> + "He is now," said Mr. Gingham ominously; "he says the idea of this + reciprocity business cuts him to the heart." + </p> + <p> + "The infernal liar!" said Mr. Bagshaw. + </p> + <p> + There was silence for a few moments. Then Bagshaw spoke again. + </p> + <p> + "Will Smith have anything else in his platform besides the trade + question?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes," said Mr. Gingham gloomily, "he will." + </p> + <p> + "What is it?" + </p> + <p> + "Temperance and total prohibition!" + </p> + <p> + John Henry Bagshaw sank back in his chair as if struck with a club. There + let me leave him for a chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ELEVEN. The Candidacy of Mr. Smith + </h2> + <p> + "Boys," said Mr. Smith to the two hostlers, stepping out on to the + sidewalk in front of the hotel,—"hoist that there British Jack over + the place and hoist her up good." + </p> + <p> + Then he stood and watched the flag fluttering in the wind. + </p> + <p> + "Billy," he said to the desk clerk, "get a couple more and put them up on + the roof of the caff behind the hotel. Wire down to the city and get a + quotation on a hundred of them. Take them signs 'American Drinks' out of + the bar. Put up noo ones with 'British Beer at all Hours'; clear out the + rye whiskey and order in Scotch and Irish, and then go up to the printing + office and get me them placards." + </p> + <p> + Then another thought struck Mr. Smith. + </p> + <p> + "Say, Billy," he said, "wire to the city for fifty pictures of King + George. Get 'em good, and get 'em coloured. It don't matter what they + cost." + </p> + <p> + "All right, sir," said Billy. + </p> + <p> + "And Billy," called Mr. Smith, as still another thought struck him + (indeed, the moment Mr. Smith went into politics you could see these + thoughts strike him like waves), "get fifty pictures of his father, old + King Albert." + </p> + <p> + "All right, sir." + </p> + <p> + "And say, I tell you, while you're at it, get some of the old queen, + Victorina, if you can. Get 'em in mourning, with a harp and one of them + lions and a three-pointed prong." + </p> + <p> + It was on the morning after the Conservative Convention. Josh Smith had + been chosen the candidate. And now the whole town was covered with flags + and placards and there were bands in the streets every evening, and noise + and music and excitement that went on from morning till night. + </p> + <p> + Election times are exciting enough even in the city. But there the + excitement dies down in business hours. In Mariposa there aren't any + business hours and the excitement goes on <i>all</i> the time. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith had carried the Convention before him. There had been a feeble + attempt to put up Nivens. But everybody knew that he was a lawyer and a + college man and wouldn't have a chance by a man with a broader outlook + like Josh Smith. + </p> + <p> + So the result was that Smith was the candidate and there were placards out + all over the town with SMITH AND BRITISH ALLEGIANCE in big letters, and + people were wearing badges with Mr. Smith's face on one side and King + George's on the other, and the fruit store next to the hotel had been + cleaned out and turned into committee rooms with a gang of workers smoking + cigars in it all day and half the night. + </p> + <p> + There were other placards, too, with BAGSHAW AND LIBERTY, BAGSHAW AND + PROSPERITY, VOTE FOR THE OLD MISSINABA STANDARD BEARER, and up town beside + the Mariposa House there were the Bagshaw committee rooms with a huge + white streamer across the street, and with a gang of Bagshaw workers + smoking their heads off. + </p> + <p> + But Mr. Smith had an estimate made which showed that nearly two cigars to + one were smoked in his committee rooms as compared with the Liberals. It + was the first time in five elections that the Conservative had been able + to make such a showing as that. + </p> + <p> + One might mention, too, that there were Drone placards out,—five or + six of them,—little things about the size of a pocket handkerchief, + with a statement that "Mr. Edward Drone solicits the votes of the electors + of Missinaba County." But you would never notice them. And when Drone + tried to put up a streamer across the Main Street with DRONE AND HONESTY + the wind carried it away into the lake. + </p> + <p> + The fight was really between Smith and Bagshaw, and everybody knew it from + the start. + </p> + <p> + I wish that I were able to narrate all the phases and the turns of the + great contest from the opening of the campaign till the final polling day. + But it would take volumes. + </p> + <p> + First of all, of course, the trade question was hotly discussed in the two + newspapers of Mariposa, and the Newspacket and the Times-Herald literally + bristled with statistics. Then came interviews with the candidates and the + expression of their convictions in regard to tariff questions. + </p> + <p> + "Mr. Smith," said the reporter of the Mariposa Newspacket, "we'd like to + get your views of the effect of the proposed reduction of the differential + duties." + </p> + <p> + "By gosh, Pete," said Mr. Smith, "you can search me. Have a cigar." + </p> + <p> + "What do you think, Mr. Smith, would be the result of lowering the <i>ad + valorem</i> British preference and admitting American goods at a + reciprocal rate?" + </p> + <p> + "It's a corker, ain't it?" answered Mr. Smith. "What'll you take, lager or + domestic?" + </p> + <p> + And in that short dialogue Mr. Smith showed that he had instantaneously + grasped the whole method of dealing with the press. The interview in the + paper next day said that Mr. Smith, while unwilling to state positively + that the principle of tariff discrimination was at variance with sound + fiscal science, was firmly of opinion that any reciprocal interchange of + tariff preferences with the United States must inevitably lead to a + serious per capita reduction of the national industry. + </p> + <p> + "Mr. Smith," said the chairman of a delegation of the manufacturers of + Mariposa, "what do you propose to do in regard to the tariff if you're + elected?" + </p> + <p> + "Boys," answered Mr. Smith, "I'll put her up so darned high they won't + never get her down again." + </p> + <p> + "Mr. Smith," said the chairman of another delegation, "I'm an old free + trader—" + </p> + <p> + "Put it there," said Mr. Smith, "so'm I. There ain't nothing like it." + </p> + <p> + "What do you think about imperial defence?" asked another questioner. + </p> + <p> + "Which?" said Mr. Smith. + </p> + <p> + "Imperial defence." + </p> + <p> + "Of what?" + </p> + <p> + "Of everything." + </p> + <p> + "Who says it?" said Mr. Smith. + </p> + <p> + "Everybody is talking of it." + </p> + <p> + "What do the Conservative boys at Ottaway think about it?" answered Mr. + Smith. + </p> + <p> + "They're all for it." + </p> + <p> + "Well, I'm fer it too," said Mr. Smith. + </p> + <p> + These little conversations represented only the first stage, the + argumentative stage of the great contest. It was during this period, for + example, that the Mariposa Newspacket absolutely proved that the price of + hogs in Mariposa was decimal six higher than the price of oranges in + Southern California and that the average decennial import of eggs into + Missinaba County had increased four decimal six eight two in the last + fifteen years more than the import of lemons in New Orleans. + </p> + <p> + Figures of this kind made the people think. Most certainly. + </p> + <p> + After all this came the organizing stage and after that the big public + meetings and the rallies. Perhaps you have never seen a county being + "organized." It is a wonderful sight. + </p> + <p> + First of all the Bagshaw men drove through crosswise in top buggies and + then drove through it again lengthwise. Whenever they met a farmer they + went in and ate a meal with him, and after the meal they took him out to + the buggy and gave him a drink. After that the man's vote was absolutely + solid until it was tampered with by feeding a Conservative. + </p> + <p> + In fact, the only way to show a farmer that you are in earnest is to go in + and eat a meal with him. If you won't eat it, he won't vote for you. That + is the recognized political test. + </p> + <p> + But, of course, just as soon as the Bagshaw men had begun to get the + farming vote solidified, the Smith buggies came driving through in the + other direction, eating meals and distributing cigars and turning all the + farmers back into Conservatives. + </p> + <p> + Here and there you might see Edward Drone, the Independent candidate, + wandering round from farm to farm in the dust of the political buggies. To + each of the farmers he explained that he pledged himself to give no + bribes, to spend no money and to offer no jobs, and each one of them + gripped him warmly by the hand and showed him the way to the next farm. + </p> + <p> + After the organization of the county there came the period of the public + meetings and the rallies and the joint debates between the candidates and + their supporters. + </p> + <p> + I suppose there was no place in the whole Dominion where the trade + question—the Reciprocity question—was threshed out quite so + thoroughly and in quite such a national patriotic spirit as in Mariposa. + For a month, at least, people talked of nothing else. A man would stop + another in the street and tell him that he had read last night that the + average price of an egg in New York was decimal ought one more than the + price of an egg in Mariposa, and the other man would stop the first one + later in the day and tell him that the average price of a hog in Idaho was + point six of a cent per pound less (or more,—he couldn't remember + which for the moment) than the average price of beef in Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + People lived on figures of this sort, and the man who could remember most + of them stood out as a born leader. + </p> + <p> + But of course it was at the public meetings that these things were most + fully discussed. It would take volumes to do full justice to all the + meetings that they held in Missinaba County. But here and there single + speeches stood out as masterpieces of convincing oratory. Take, for + example, the speech of John Henry Bagshaw at the Tecumseh Corners School + House. The Mariposa Times-Herald said next day that that speech would go + down in history, and so it will,—ever so far down. + </p> + <p> + Anyone who has heard Bagshaw knows what an impressive speaker he is, and + on this night when he spoke with the quiet dignity of a man old in years + and anxious only to serve his country, he almost surpassed himself. Near + the end of his speech somebody dropped a pin, and the noise it made in + falling fairly rattled the windows. + </p> + <p> + "I am an old man now, gentlemen," Bagshaw said, "and the time must soon + come when I must not only leave politics, but must take my way towards + that goal from which no traveller returns." + </p> + <p> + There was a deep hush when Bagshaw said this. It was understood to imply + that he thought of going to the United States. + </p> + <p> + "Yes, gentlemen, I am an old man, and I wish, when my time comes to go, to + depart leaving as little animosity behind me as possible. But before I <i>do</i> + go, I want it pretty clearly understood that there are more darn + scoundrels in the Conservative party than ought to be tolerated in any + decent community. I bear," he continued, "malice towards none and I wish + to speak with gentleness to all, but what I will say is that how any set + of rational responsible men could nominate such a skunk as the + Conservative candidate passes the bounds of my comprehension. Gentlemen, + in the present campaign there is no room for vindictive abuse. Let us rise + to a higher level than that. They tell me that my opponent, Smith, is a + common saloon keeper. Let it pass. They tell me that he has stood + convicted of horse stealing, that he is a notable perjurer, that he is + known as the blackest-hearted liar in Missinaba County. Let us not speak + of it. Let no whisper of it pass our lips. + </p> + <p> + "No, gentlemen," continued Bagshaw, pausing to take a drink of water, "let + us rather consider this question on the high plane of national welfare. + Let us not think of our own particular interests but let us consider the + good of the country at large. And to do this, let me present to you some + facts in regard to the price of barley in Tecumseh Township." + </p> + <p> + Then, amid a deep stillness, Bagshaw read off the list of prices of + sixteen kinds of grain in sixteen different places during sixteen years. + </p> + <p> + "But let me turn," Bagshaw went on to another phase of the national + subject, "and view for a moment the price of marsh hay in Missinaba County—" + </p> + <p> + When Bagshaw sat down that night it was felt that a Liberal vote in + Tecumseh Township was a foregone conclusion. + </p> + <p> + But here they hadn't reckoned on the political genius of Mr. Smith. When + he heard next day of the meeting, he summoned some of his leading speakers + to him and he said: + </p> + <p> + "Boys, they're beating us on them statissicks. Ourn ain't good enough." + </p> + <p> + Then he turned to Nivens and he said: + </p> + <p> + "What was them figures you had here the other night?" + </p> + <p> + Nivens took out a paper and began reading. + </p> + <p> + "Stop," said Mr. Smith, "what was that figure for bacon?" + </p> + <p> + "Fourteen million dollars," said Nivens. + </p> + <p> + "Not enough," said Mr. Smith, "make it twenty. They'll stand for it, them + farmers." + </p> + <p> + Nivens changed it. + </p> + <p> + "And what was that for hay?" + </p> + <p> + "Two dollars a ton." + </p> + <p> + "Shove it up to four," said Mr. Smith: "And I tell you," he added, "if any + of them farmers says the figures ain't correct, tell them to go to + Washington and see for themselves; say that if any man wants the proof of + your figures let him go over to England and ask,—tell him to go + straight to London and see it all for himself in the books." + </p> + <p> + After this, there was no more trouble over statistics. I must say though + that it is a wonderfully convincing thing to hear trade figures of this + kind properly handled. Perhaps the best man on this sort of thing in the + campaign was Mullins, the banker. A man of his profession simply has to + have figures of trade and population and money at his fingers' ends and + the effect of it in public speaking is wonderful. + </p> + <p> + No doubt you have listened to speakers of this kind, but I question + whether you have ever heard anything more typical of the sort of effect + that I allude to than Mullins's speech at the big rally at the Fourth + Concession. + </p> + <p> + Mullins himself, of course, knows the figures so well that he never + bothers to write them into notes and the effect is very striking. + </p> + <p> + "Now, gentlemen," he said very earnestly, "how many of you know just to + what extent the exports of this country have increased in the last ten + years? How many could tell what per cent. of increase there has been in + one decade of our national importation?"—then Mullins paused and + looked round. Not a man knew it. + </p> + <p> + "I don't recall," he said, "exactly the precise amount myself,—not + at this moment,—but it must be simply tremendous. Or take the + question of population," Mullins went on, warming up again as a born + statistician always does at the proximity of figures, "how many of you + know, how many of you can state, what has been the decennial percentage + increase in our leading cities—?" + </p> + <p> + There he paused, and would you believe it, not a man could state it. + </p> + <p> + "I don't recall the exact figures," said Mullins, "but I have them at home + and they are positively colossal." + </p> + <p> + But just in one phase of the public speaking, the candidacy of Mr. Smith + received a serious set-back. + </p> + <p> + It had been arranged that Mr. Smith should run on a platform of total + prohibition. But they soon found that it was a mistake. They had imported + a special speaker from the city, a grave man with a white tie, who put his + whole heart into the work and would take nothing for it except his + expenses and a sum of money for each speech. But beyond the money, I say, + he would take nothing. + </p> + <p> + He spoke one night at the Tecumseh Corners social hall at the same time + when the Liberal meeting was going on at the Tecumseh Corners school + house. + </p> + <p> + "Gentlemen," he said, as he paused half way in his speech,—"while we + are gathered here in earnest discussion, do you know what is happening + over at the meeting place of our opponents? Do you know that seventeen + bottles of rye whiskey were sent out from the town this afternoon to that + innocent and unsuspecting school house? Seventeen bottles of whiskey + hidden in between the blackboard and the wall, and every single man that + attends that meeting,—mark my words, every single man,—will + drink his fill of the abominable stuff at the expense of the Liberal + candidate!" + </p> + <p> + Just as soon as the speaker said this, you could see the Smith men at the + meeting look at one another in injured surprise, and before the speech was + half over the hall was practically emptied. + </p> + <p> + After that the total prohibition plank was changed and the committee + substituted a declaration in favour of such a form of restrictive license + as should promote temperance while encouraging the manufacture of + spirituous liquors, and by a severe regulation of the liquor traffic + should place intoxicants only in the hands of those fitted to use them. + </p> + <p> + Finally there came the great day itself, the Election Day that brought, as + everybody knows, the crowning triumph of Mr. Smith's career. There is no + need to speak of it at any length, because it has become a matter of + history. + </p> + <p> + In any case, everybody who has ever seen Mariposa knows just what election + day is like. The shops, of course, are, as a matter of custom, all closed, + and the bar rooms are all closed by law so that you have to go in by the + back way. All the people are in their best clothes and at first they walk + up and down the street in a solemn way just as they do on the twelfth of + July and on St. Patrick's Day, before the fun begins. Everybody keeps + looking in at the different polling places to see if anybody else has + voted yet, because, of course, nobody cares to vote first for fear of + being fooled after all and voting on the wrong side. + </p> + <p> + Most of all did the supporters of Mr. Smith, acting under his + instructions, hang back from the poll in the early hours. To Mr. Smith's + mind, voting was to be conducted on the same plan as bear-shooting. + </p> + <p> + "Hold back your votes, boys," he said, "and don't be too eager. Wait till + she begins to warm up and then let 'em have it good and hard." + </p> + <p> + In each of the polling places in Mariposa there is a returning officer and + with him are two scrutineers, and the electors, I say, peep in and out + like mice looking into a trap. But if once the scrutineers get a man well + into the polling booth, they push him in behind a little curtain and make + him vote. The voting, of course, is by secret ballot, so that no one + except the scrutineers and the returning officer and the two or three + people who may be round the poll can possibly tell how a man has voted. + </p> + <p> + That's how it comes about that the first results are often so + contradictory and conflicting. Sometimes the poll is badly arranged and + the scrutineers are unable to see properly just how the ballots are being + marked and they count up the Liberals and Conservatives in different ways. + Often, too, a voter makes his mark so hurriedly and carelessly that they + have to pick it out of the ballot box and look at it to see what it is. + </p> + <p> + I suppose that may have been why it was that in Mariposa the results came + out at first in such a conflicting way. Perhaps that was how it was that + the first reports showed that Edward Drone the Independent candidate was + certain to win. You should have seen how the excitement grew upon the + streets when the news was circulated. In the big rallies and meetings of + the Liberals and Conservatives, everybody had pretty well forgotten all + about Drone, and when the news got round at about four o'clock that the + Drone vote was carrying the poll, the people were simply astounded. Not + that they were not pleased. On the contrary. They were delighted. + Everybody came up to Drone and shook hands and congratulated him and told + him that they had known all along that what the country wanted was a + straight, honest, non-partisan representation. The Conservatives said + openly that they were sick of party, utterly done with it, and the + Liberals said that they hated it. Already three or four of them had taken + Drone aside and explained that what was needed in the town was a straight, + clean, non-partisan post-office, built on a piece of ground of a strictly + non-partisan character, and constructed under contracts that were not + tainted and smirched with party affiliation. Two or three men were willing + to show to Drone just where a piece of ground of this character could be + bought. They told him too that in the matter of the postmastership itself + they had nothing against Trelawney, the present postmaster, in any + personal sense, and would say nothing against him except merely that he + was utterly and hopelessly unfit for his job and that if Drone believed, + as he had said he did, in a purified civil service, he ought to begin by + purifying Trelawney. + </p> + <p> + Already Edward Drone was beginning to feel something of what it meant to + hold office and there was creeping into his manner the quiet + self-importance which is the first sign of conscious power. + </p> + <p> + In fact, in that brief half-hour of office, Drone had a chance to see + something of what it meant. Henry McGinnis came to him and asked straight + out for a job as federal census-taker on the ground that he was hard up + and had been crippled with rheumatism all winter. Nelson Williamson asked + for the post of wharf master on the plea that he had been laid up with + sciatica all winter and was absolutely fit for nothing. Erasmus Archer + asked him if he could get his boy Pete into one of the departments at + Ottawa, and made a strong case of it by explaining that he had tried his + cussedest to get Pete a job anywhere else and it was simply impossible. + Not that Pete wasn't a willing boy, but he was slow,—even his father + admitted it,—slow as the devil, blast him, and with no head for + figures and unfortunately he'd never had the schooling to bring him on. + But if Drone could get him in at Ottawa, his father truly believed it + would be the very place for him. Surely in the Indian Department or in the + Astronomical Branch or in the New Canadian Navy there must be any amount + of opening for a boy like this? And to all of these requests Drone found + himself explaining that he would take the matter under his very earnest + consideration and that they must remember that he had to consult his + colleagues and not merely follow the dictates of his own wishes. In fact, + if he had ever in his life had any envy of Cabinet Ministers, he lost it + in this hour. + </p> + <p> + But Drone's hour was short. Even before the poll had closed in Mariposa, + the news came sweeping in, true or false, that Bagshaw was carrying the + county. The second concession had gone for Bagshaw in a regular landslide, + six votes to only two for Smith,—and all down the township line road + (where the hay farms are) Bagshaw was said to be carrying all before him. + </p> + <p> + Just as soon as that news went round the town, they launched the Mariposa + band of the Knights of Pythias (every man in it is a Liberal) down the + Main Street with big red banners in front of it with the motto BAGSHAW + FOREVER in letters a foot high. Such rejoicing and enthusiasm began to set + in as you never saw. Everybody crowded round Bagshaw on the steps of the + Mariposa House and shook his hand and said they were proud to see the day + and that the Liberal party was the glory of the Dominion and that as for + this idea of non-partisan politics the very thought of it made them sick. + Right away in the committee rooms they began to organize the demonstration + for the evening with lantern slides and speeches and they arranged for a + huge bouquet to be presented to Bagshaw on the platform by four little + girls (all Liberals) all dressed in white. + </p> + <p> + And it was just at this juncture, with one hour of voting left, that Mr. + Smith emerged from his committee rooms and turned his voters on the town, + much as the Duke of Wellington sent the whole line to the charge at + Waterloo. From every committee room and sub-committee room they poured out + in flocks with blue badges fluttering on their coats. + </p> + <p> + "Get at it, boys," said Mr. Smith, "vote and keep on voting till they make + you quit." + </p> + <p> + Then he turned to his campaign assistant. "Billy," he said, "wire down to + the city that I'm elected by an overwhelming majority and tell them to + wire it right back. Send word by telephone to all the polling places in + the county that the hull town has gone solid Conservative and tell them to + send the same news back here. Get carpenters and tell them to run up a + platform in front of the hotel; tell them to take the bar door clean off + its hinges and be all ready the minute the poll quits." + </p> + <p> + It was that last hour that did it. Just as soon as the big posters went up + in the windows of the Mariposa Newspacket with the telegraphic despatch + that Josh Smith was reported in the city to be elected, and was followed + by the messages from all over the county, the voters hesitated no longer. + They had waited, most of them, all through the day, not wanting to make + any error in their vote, but when they saw the Smith men crowding into the + polls and heard the news from the outside, they went solid in one great + stampede, and by the time the poll was declared closed at five o'clock + there was no shadow of doubt that the county was saved and that Josh Smith + was elected for Missinaba. + </p> + <p> + I wish you could have witnessed the scene in Mariposa that evening. It + would have done your heart good,—such joy, such public rejoicing as + you never saw. It turned out that there wasn't really a Liberal in the + whole town and that there never had been. They were all Conservatives and + had been for years and years. Men who had voted, with pain and sorrow in + their hearts, for the Liberal party for twenty years, came out that + evening and owned up straight that they were Conservatives. They said they + could stand the strain no longer and simply had to confess. Whatever the + sacrifice might mean, they were prepared to make it. + </p> + <p> + Even Mr. Golgotha Gingham, the undertaker, came out and admitted that in + working for John Henry Bagshaw he'd been going straight against his + conscience. He said that right from the first he had had his misgivings. + He said it had haunted him. Often at night when he would be working away + quietly, one of these sudden misgivings would overcome him so that he + could hardly go on with his embalming. Why, it appeared that on the very + first day when reciprocity was proposed, he had come home and said to Mrs. + Gingham that he thought it simply meant selling out the country. And the + strange thing was that ever so many others had just the same misgivings. + Trelawney admitted that he had said to Mrs. Trelawney that it was madness, + and Jeff Thorpe, the barber, had, he admitted, gone home to his dinner, + the first day reciprocity was talked of, and said to Mrs. Thorpe that it + would simply kill business in the country and introduce a cheap, shoddy, + American form of haircut that would render true loyalty impossible. To + think that Mrs. Gingham and Mrs. Trelawney and Mrs. Thorpe had known all + this for six months and kept quiet about it! Yet I think there were a good + many Mrs. Ginghams in the country. It is merely another proof that no + woman is fit for politics. + </p> + <p> + The demonstration that night in Mariposa will never be forgotten. The + excitement in the streets, the torchlights, the music of the band of the + Knights of Pythias (an organization which is conservative in all but + name), and above all the speeches and the patriotism. + </p> + <p> + They had put up a big platform in front of the hotel, and on it were Mr. + Smith and his chief workers, and behind them was a perfect forest of + flags. They presented a huge bouquet of flowers to Mr. Smith, handed to + him by four little girls in white,—the same four that I spoke of + above, for it turned out that they were all Conservatives. + </p> + <p> + Then there were the speeches. Judge Pepperleigh spoke and said that there + was no need to dwell on the victory that they had achieved, because it was + history; there was no occasion to speak of what part he himself had + played, within the limits of his official position, because what he had + done was henceforth a matter of history; and Nivens, the lawyer, said that + he would only say just a few words, because anything that he might have + done was now history; later generations, he said, might read it but it was + not for him to speak of it, because it belonged now to the history of the + country. And, after them, others spoke in the same strain and all refused + absolutely to dwell on the subject (for more than half an hour) on the + ground that anything that they might have done was better left for future + generations to investigate. And no doubt this was very true, as to some + things, anyway. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Smith, of course, said nothing. He didn't have to,—not for four + years,—and he knew it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + TWELVE. L'Envoi. The Train to Mariposa + </h2> + <p> + It leaves the city every day about five o'clock in the evening, the train + for Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + Strange that you did not know of it, though you come from the little town—or + did, long years ago. + </p> + <p> + Odd that you never knew, in all these years, that the train was there + every afternoon, puffing up steam in the city station, and that you might + have boarded it any day and gone home. No, not "home,"—of course you + couldn't call it "home" now; "home" means that big red sandstone house of + yours in the costlier part of the city. "Home" means, in a way, this + Mausoleum Club where you sometimes talk with me of the times that you had + as a boy in Mariposa. + </p> + <p> + But of course "home" would hardly be the word you would apply to the + little town, unless perhaps, late at night, when you'd been sitting + reading in a quiet corner somewhere such a book as the present one. + </p> + <p> + Naturally you don't know of the Mariposa train now. Years ago, when you + first came to the city as a boy with your way to make, you knew of it well + enough, only too well. The price of a ticket counted in those days, and + though you knew of the train you couldn't take it, but sometimes from + sheer homesickness you used to wander down to the station on a Friday + afternoon after your work, and watch the Mariposa people getting on the + train and wish that you could go. + </p> + <p> + Why, you knew that train at one time better, I suppose, than any other + single thing in the city, and loved it too for the little town in the + sunshine that it ran to. + </p> + <p> + Do you remember how when you first began to make money you used to plan + that just as soon as you were rich, really rich, you'd go back home again + to the little town and build a great big house with a fine verandah,—no + stint about it, the best that money could buy, planed lumber, every square + foot of it, and a fine picket fence in front of it. + </p> + <p> + It was to be one of the grandest and finest houses that thought could + conceive; much finer, in true reality, than that vast palace of sandstone + with the porte cochere and the sweeping conservatories that you afterwards + built in the costlier part of the city. + </p> + <p> + But if you have half forgotten Mariposa, and long since lost the way to + it, you are only like the greater part of the men here in this Mausoleum + Club in the city. Would you believe it that practically every one of them + came from Mariposa once upon a time, and that there isn't one of them that + doesn't sometimes dream in the dull quiet of the long evening here in the + club, that some day he will go back and see the place. + </p> + <p> + They all do. Only they're half ashamed to own it. + </p> + <p> + Ask your neighbour there at the next table whether the partridge that they + sometimes serve to you here can be compared for a moment to the birds that + he and you, or he and some one else, used to shoot as boys in the spruce + thickets along the lake. Ask him if he ever tasted duck that could for a + moment be compared to the black ducks in the rice marsh along the + Ossawippi. And as for fish, and fishing,—no, don't ask him about + that, for if he ever starts telling you of the chub they used to catch + below the mill dam and the green bass that used to lie in the water-shadow + of the rocks beside the Indian's Island, not even the long dull evening in + this club would be long enough for the telling of it. + </p> + <p> + But no wonder they don't know about the five o'clock train for Mariposa. + Very few people know about it. Hundreds of them know that there is a train + that goes out at five o'clock, but they mistake it. Ever so many of them + think it's just a suburban train. Lots of people that take it every day + think it's only the train to the golf grounds, but the joke is that after + it passes out of the city and the suburbs and the golf grounds, it turns + itself little by little into the Mariposa train, thundering and pounding + towards the north with hemlock sparks pouring out into the darkness from + the funnel of it. + </p> + <p> + Of course you can't tell it just at first. All those people that are + crowding into it with golf clubs, and wearing knickerbockers and flat + caps, would deceive anybody. That crowd of suburban people going home on + commutation tickets and sometimes standing thick in the aisles, those are, + of course, not Mariposa people. But look round a little bit and you'll + find them easily enough. Here and there in the crowd those people with the + clothes that are perfectly all right and yet look odd in some way, the + women with the peculiar hats and the—what do you say?—last + year's fashions? Ah yes, of course, that must be it. + </p> + <p> + Anyway, those are the Mariposa people all right enough. That man with the + two-dollar panama and the glaring spectacles is one of the greatest judges + that ever adorned the bench of Missinaba County. That clerical gentleman + with the wide black hat, who is explaining to the man with him the + marvellous mechanism of the new air brake (one of the most conspicuous + illustrations of the divine structure of the physical universe), surely + you have seen him before. Mariposa people! Oh yes, there are any number of + them on the train every day. + </p> + <p> + But of course you hardly recognize them while the train is still passing + through the suburbs and the golf district and the outlying parts of the + city area. But wait a little, and you will see that when the city is well + behind you, bit by bit the train changes its character. The electric + locomotive that took you through the city tunnels is off now and the old + wood engine is hitched on in its place. I suppose, very probably, you + haven't seen one of these wood engines since you were a boy forty years + ago,—the old engine with a wide top like a hat on its funnel, and + with sparks enough to light up a suit for damages once in every mile. + </p> + <p> + Do you see, too, that the trim little cars that came out of the city on + the electric suburban express are being discarded now at the way stations, + one by one, and in their place is the old familiar car with the stuff + cushions in red plush (how gorgeous it once seemed!) and with a box stove + set up in one end of it? The stove is burning furiously at its sticks this + autumn evening, for the air sets in chill as you get clear away from the + city and are rising up to the higher ground of the country of the pines + and the lakes. + </p> + <p> + Look from the window as you go. The city is far behind now and right and + left of you there are trim farms with elms and maples near them and with + tall windmills beside the barns that you can still see in the gathering + dusk. There is a dull red light from the windows of the farmstead. It must + be comfortable there after the roar and clatter of the city, and only + think of the still quiet of it. + </p> + <p> + As you sit back half dreaming in the car, you keep wondering why it is + that you never came up before in all these years. Ever so many times you + planned that just as soon as the rush and strain of business eased up a + little, you would take the train and go back to the little town to see + what it was like now, and if things had changed much since your day. But + each time when your holidays came, somehow you changed your mind and went + down to Naragansett or Nagahuckett or Nagasomething, and left over the + visit to Mariposa for another time. + </p> + <p> + It is almost night now. You can still see the trees and the fences and the + farmsteads, but they are fading fast in the twilight. They have lengthened + out the train by this time with a string of flat cars and freight cars + between where we are sitting and the engine. But at every crossway we can + hear the long muffled roar of the whistle, dying to a melancholy wail that + echoes into the woods; the woods, I say, for the farms are thinning out + and the track plunges here and there into great stretches of bush,—tall + tamerack and red scrub willow and with a tangled undergrowth of bush that + has defied for two generations all attempts to clear it into the form of + fields. + </p> + <p> + Why, look, that great space that seems to open out in the half-dark of the + falling evening,—why, surely yes,—Lake Ossawippi, the big + lake, as they used to call it, from which the river runs down to the + smaller lake,—Lake Wissanotti,—where the town of Mariposa has + lain waiting for you there for thirty years. + </p> + <p> + This is Lake Ossawippi surely enough. You would know it anywhere by the + broad, still, black water with hardly a ripple, and with the grip of the + coming frost already on it. Such a great sheet of blackness it looks as + the train thunders along the side, swinging the curve of the embankment at + a breakneck speed as it rounds the corner of the lake. + </p> + <p> + How fast the train goes this autumn night! You have travelled, I know you + have; in the Empire State Express, and the New Limited and the Maritime + Express that holds the record of six hundred whirling miles from Paris to + Marseilles. But what are they to this, this mad career, this breakneck + speed, this thundering roar of the Mariposa local driving hard to its + home! Don't tell me that the speed is only twenty-five miles an hour. I + don't care what it is. I tell you, and you can prove it for yourself if + you will, that that train of mingled flat cars and coaches that goes + tearing into the night, its engine whistle shrieking out its warning into + the silent woods and echoing over the dull still lake, is the fastest + train in the whole world. + </p> + <p> + Yes, and the best too,—the most comfortable, the most reliable, the + most luxurious and the speediest train that ever turned a wheel. + </p> + <p> + And the most genial, the most sociable too. See how the passengers all + turn and talk to one another now as they get nearer and nearer to the + little town. That dull reserve that seemed to hold the passengers in the + electric suburban has clean vanished and gone. They are talking,—listen,—of + the harvest, and the late election, and of how the local member is + mentioned for the cabinet and all the old familiar topics of the sort. + Already the conductor has changed his glazed hat for an ordinary round + Christie and you can hear the passengers calling him and the brakesman + "Bill" and "Sam" as if they were all one family. + </p> + <p> + What is it now—nine thirty? Ah, then we must be nearing the town,—this + big bush that we are passing through, you remember it surely as the great + swamp just this side of the bridge over the Ossawippi? There is the bridge + itself, and the long roar of the train as it rushes sounding over the + trestle work that rises above the marsh. Hear the clatter as we pass the + semaphores and switch lights! We must be close in now! + </p> + <p> + What? it feels nervous and strange to be coming here again after all these + years? It must indeed. No, don't bother to look at the reflection of your + face in the window-pane shadowed by the night outside. Nobody could tell + you now after all these years. Your face has changed in these long years + of money-getting in the city. Perhaps if you had come back now and again, + just at odd times, it wouldn't have been so. + </p> + <p> + There,—you hear it?—the long whistle of the locomotive, one, + two, three! You feel the sharp slackening of the train as it swings round + the curve of the last embankment that brings it to the Mariposa station. + See, too, as we round the curve, the row of the flashing lights, the + bright windows of the depot. + </p> + <p> + How vivid and plain it all is. Just as it used to be thirty years ago. + There is the string of the hotel 'buses, drawn up all ready for the train, + and as the train rounds in and stops hissing and panting at the platform, + you can hear above all other sounds the cry of the brakesmen and the + porters: + </p> + <p> + "MARIPOSA! MARIPOSA!" + </p> + <p> + And as we listen, the cry grows fainter and fainter in our ears and we are + sitting here again in the leather chairs of the Mausoleum Club, talking of + the little Town in the Sunshine that once we knew. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town, by +Stephen Leacock + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUNSHINE SKETCHES OF A LITTLE TOWN *** + +***** This file should be named 3533-h.htm or 3533-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/3/3533/ + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan, The Distributed Proofreaders Team, and David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town + +Author: Stephen Leacock + +Posting Date: February 25, 2009 [EBook #3533] +Release Date: November, 2002 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUNSHINE SKETCHES OF A LITTLE TOWN *** + + + + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan and The Distributed Proofreaders Team + + + + + +SUNSHINE SKETCHES OF A LITTLE TOWN + +By Stephen Leacock, 1869-1944 + + + Preface + + I The Hostelry of Mr. Smith + II The Speculations of Jefferson Thorpe + III The Marine Excursion of the Knights of Pythias + IV The Ministrations of the Rev. Mr. Drone + V The Whirlwind Campaign in Mariposa + VI The Beacon on the Hill + VII The Extraordinary Entanglement of Mr. Pupkin + VIII The Fore-ordained Attachment of Zena Pepperleigh and Peter Pupkin + IX The Mariposa Bank Mystery + X The Great Election in Missinaba County + XI The Candidacy of Mr. Smith + XII L'Envoi. The Train to Mariposa + + + + + +Preface + +I know no way in which a writer may more fittingly introduce his work to +the public than by giving a brief account of who and what he is. By this +means some of the blame for what he has done is very properly shifted to +the extenuating circumstances of his life. + +I was born at Swanmoor, Hants, England, on December 30, 1869. I am not +aware that there was any particular conjunction of the planets at the +time, but should think it extremely likely. My parents migrated to +Canada in 1876, and I decided to go with them. My father took up a farm +near Lake Simcoe, in Ontario. This was during the hard times of Canadian +farming, and my father was just able by great diligence to pay the hired +men and, in years of plenty, to raise enough grain to have seed for the +next year's crop without buying any. By this process my brothers and +I were inevitably driven off the land, and have become professors, +business men, and engineers, instead of being able to grow up as farm +labourers. Yet I saw enough of farming to speak exuberantly in political +addresses of the joy of early rising and the deep sleep, both of body +and intellect, that is induced by honest manual toil. + +I was educated at Upper Canada College, Toronto, of which I was head +boy in 1887. From there I went to the University of Toronto, where +I graduated in 1891. At the University I spent my entire time in the +acquisition of languages, living, dead, and half-dead, and knew nothing +of the outside world. In this diligent pursuit of words I spent about +sixteen hours of each day. Very soon after graduation I had forgotten +the languages, and found myself intellectually bankrupt. In other words +I was what is called a distinguished graduate, and, as such, I took +to school teaching as the only trade I could find that need neither +experience nor intellect. I spent my time from 1891 to 1899 on the staff +of Upper Canada College, an experience which has left me with a profound +sympathy for the many gifted and brilliant men who are compelled to +spend their lives in the most dreary, the most thankless, and the worst +paid profession in the world. I have noted that of my pupils, those who +seemed the laziest and the least enamoured of books are now rising +to eminence at the bar, in business, and in public life; the really +promising boys who took all the prizes are now able with difficulty to +earn the wages of a clerk in a summer hotel or a deck hand on a canal +boat. + +In 1899 I gave up school teaching in disgust, borrowing enough money +to live upon for a few months, and went to the University of Chicago +to study economics and political science. I was soon appointed to a +Fellowship in political economy, and by means of this and some temporary +employment by McGill University, I survived until I took the degree of +Doctor of Philosophy in 1903. The meaning of this degree is that the +recipient of instruction is examined for the last time in his life, and +is pronounced completely full. After this, no new ideas can be imparted +to him. + +From this time, and since my marriage, which had occurred at this +period, I have belonged to the staff of McGill University, first as +lecturer in Political Science, and later as head of the department of +Economics and Political Science. As this position is one of the prizes +of my profession, I am able to regard myself as singularly fortunate. +The emolument is so high as to place me distinctly above the policemen, +postmen, street-car conductors, and other salaried officials of the +neighbourhood, while I am able to mix with the poorer of the business +men of the city on terms of something like equality. In point of +leisure, I enjoy more in the four corners of a single year than a +business man knows in his whole life. I thus have what the business man +can never enjoy, an ability to think, and, what is still better, to stop +thinking altogether for months at a time. + +I have written a number of things in connection with my college life--a +book on Political Science, and many essays, magazine articles, and so +on. I belong to the Political Science Association of America, to the +Royal Colonial Institute, and to the Church of England. These things, +surely, are a proof of respectability. I have had some small connection +with politics and public life. A few years ago I went all round the +British Empire delivering addresses on Imperial organization. When I +state that these lectures were followed almost immediately by the Union +of South Africa, the Banana Riots in Trinidad, and the Turco-Italian +war, I think the reader can form some idea of their importance. In +Canada I belong to the Conservative party, but as yet I have failed +entirely in Canadian politics, never having received a contract to build +a bridge, or make a wharf, nor to construct even the smallest section +of the Transcontinental Railway. This, however, is a form of national +ingratitude to which one becomes accustomed in this Dominion. + +Apart from my college work, I have written two books, one called +"Literary Lapses" and the other "Nonsense Novels." Each of these is +published by John Lane (London and New York), and either of them can be +obtained, absurd though it sounds, for the mere sum of three shillings +and sixpence. Any reader of this preface, for example, ridiculous though +it appears, could walk into a bookstore and buy both of these books for +seven shillings. Yet these works are of so humorous a character that for +many years it was found impossible to print them. The compositors fell +back from their task suffocated with laughter and gasping for air. +Nothing but the intervention of the linotype machine--or rather, of the +kind of men who operate it--made it possible to print these books. Even +now people have to be very careful in circulating them, and the books +should never be put into the hands of persons not in robust health. + +Many of my friends are under the impression that I write these humorous +nothings in idle moments when the wearied brain is unable to perform the +serious labours of the economist. My own experience is exactly the other +way. The writing of solid, instructive stuff fortified by facts and +figures is easy enough. There is no trouble in writing a scientific +treatise on the folk-lore of Central China, or a statistical enquiry +into the declining population of Prince Edward Island. But to write +something out of one's own mind, worth reading for its own sake, is an +arduous contrivance only to be achieved in fortunate moments, few +and far between. Personally, I would sooner have written "Alice in +Wonderland" than the whole Encyclopaedia Britannica. + +In regard to the present work I must disclaim at once all intentions of +trying to do anything so ridiculously easy as writing about a real place +and real people. Mariposa is not a real town. On the contrary, it is +about seventy or eighty of them. You may find them all the way from Lake +Superior to the sea, with the same square streets and the same maple +trees and the same churches and hotels, and everywhere the sunshine of +the land of hope. + +Similarly, the Reverend Mr. Drone is not one person but about eight or +ten. To make him I clapped the gaiters of one ecclesiastic round the +legs of another, added the sermons of a third and the character of a +fourth, and so let him start on his way in the book to pick up such +individual attributes as he might find for himself. Mullins and Bagshaw +and Judge Pepperleigh and the rest are, it is true, personal friends +of mine. But I have known them in such a variety of forms, with such +alternations of tall and short, dark and fair, that, individually, +I should have much ado to know them. Mr. Pupkin is found whenever a +Canadian bank opens a branch in a county town and needs a teller. As for +Mr. Smith, with his two hundred and eighty pounds, his hoarse voice, +his loud check suit, his diamonds, the roughness of his address and +the goodness of his heart,--all of this is known by everybody to be a +necessary and universal adjunct of the hotel business. + +The inspiration of the book,--a land of hope and sunshine where little +towns spread their square streets and their trim maple trees beside +placid lakes almost within echo of the primeval forest,--is large +enough. If it fails in its portrayal of the scenes and the country that +it depicts the fault lies rather with an art that is deficient than in +an affection that is wanting. + +Stephen Leacock. McGill University, June, 1912. + + + + +ONE. The Hostelry of Mr. Smith + +I don't know whether you know Mariposa. If not, it is of no consequence, +for if you know Canada at all, you are probably well acquainted with a +dozen towns just like it. + +There it lies in the sunlight, sloping up from the little lake that +spreads out at the foot of the hillside on which the town is built. +There is a wharf beside the lake, and lying alongside of it a steamer +that is tied to the wharf with two ropes of about the same size as they +use on the Lusitania. The steamer goes nowhere in particular, for the +lake is landlocked and there is no navigation for the Mariposa Belle +except to "run trips" on the first of July and the Queen's Birthday, and +to take excursions of the Knights of Pythias and the Sons of Temperance +to and from the Local Option Townships. + +In point of geography the lake is called Lake Wissanotti and the river +running out of it the Ossawippi, just as the main street of Mariposa is +called Missinaba Street and the county Missinaba County. But these +names do not really matter. Nobody uses them. People simply speak of the +"lake" and the "river" and the "main street," much in the same way +as they always call the Continental Hotel, "Pete Robinson's" and the +Pharmaceutical Hall, "Eliot's Drug Store." But I suppose this is just +the same in every one else's town as in mine, so I need lay no stress on +it. + +The town, I say, has one broad street that runs up from the lake, +commonly called the Main Street. There is no doubt about its width. When +Mariposa was laid out there was none of that shortsightedness which is +seen in the cramped dimensions of Wall Street and Piccadilly. Missinaba +Street is so wide that if you were to roll Jeff Thorpe's barber shop +over on its face it wouldn't reach half way across. Up and down the Main +Street are telegraph poles of cedar of colossal thickness, standing at a +variety of angles and carrying rather more wires than are commonly seen +at a transatlantic cable station. + +On the Main Street itself are a number of buildings of extraordinary +importance,--Smith's Hotel and the Continental and the Mariposa House, +and the two banks (the Commercial and the Exchange), to say nothing of +McCarthy's Block (erected in 1878), and Glover's Hardware Store with the +Oddfellows' Hall above it. Then on the "cross" street that intersects +Missinaba Street at the main corner there is the Post Office and the +Fire Hall and the Young Men's Christian Association and the office of +the Mariposa Newspacket,--in fact, to the eye of discernment a perfect +jostle of public institutions comparable only to Threadneedle Street or +Lower Broadway. On all the side streets there are maple trees and +broad sidewalks, trim gardens with upright calla lilies, houses with +verandahs, which are here and there being replaced by residences with +piazzas. + +To the careless eye the scene on the Main Street of a summer afternoon +is one of deep and unbroken peace. The empty street sleeps in the +sunshine. There is a horse and buggy tied to the hitching post in front +of Glover's hardware store. There is, usually and commonly, the burly +figure of Mr. Smith, proprietor of Smith's Hotel, standing in his +chequered waistcoat on the steps of his hostelry, and perhaps, further +up the street, Lawyer Macartney going for his afternoon mail, or the +Rev. Mr. Drone, the Rural Dean of the Church of England Church, going +home to get his fishing rod after a mothers' auxiliary meeting. + +But this quiet is mere appearance. In reality, and to those who know it, +the place is a perfect hive of activity. Why, at Netley's butcher shop +(established in 1882) there are no less than four men working on the +sausage machines in the basement; at the Newspacket office there are +as many more job-printing; there is a long distance telephone with +four distracting girls on high stools wearing steel caps and talking +incessantly; in the offices in McCarthy's block are dentists and lawyers +with their coats off, ready to work at any moment; and from the big +planing factory down beside the lake where the railroad siding is, you +may hear all through the hours of the summer afternoon the long-drawn +music of the running saw. + +Busy--well, I should think so! Ask any of its inhabitants if Mariposa +isn't a busy, hustling, thriving town. Ask Mullins, the manager of the +Exchange Bank, who comes hustling over to his office from the Mariposa +House every day at 10.30 and has scarcely time all morning to go out and +take a drink with the manager of the Commercial; or ask--well, for +the matter of that, ask any of them if they ever knew a more rushing +go-a-head town than Mariposa. + +Of course if you come to the place fresh from New York, you are +deceived. Your standard of vision is all astray, You do think the place +is quiet. You do imagine that Mr. Smith is asleep merely because he +closes his eyes as he stands. But live in Mariposa for six months or a +year and then you will begin to understand it better; the buildings get +higher and higher; the Mariposa House grows more and more luxurious; +McCarthy's block towers to the sky; the 'buses roar and hum to the +station; the trains shriek; the traffic multiplies; the people move +faster and faster; a dense crowd swirls to and fro in the post-office +and the five and ten cent store--and amusements! well, now! lacrosse, +baseball, excursions, dances, the Fireman's Ball every winter and the +Catholic picnic every summer; and music--the town band in the park every +Wednesday evening, and the Oddfellows' brass band on the street every +other Friday; the Mariposa Quartette, the Salvation Army--why, after a +few months' residence you begin to realize that the place is a mere mad +round of gaiety. + +In point of population, if one must come down to figures, the Canadian +census puts the numbers every time at something round five thousand. But +it is very generally understood in Mariposa that the census is largely +the outcome of malicious jealousy. It is usual that after the census the +editor of the Mariposa Newspacket makes a careful reestimate (based +on the data of relative non-payment of subscriptions), and brings the +population up to 6,000. After that the Mariposa Times-Herald makes +an estimate that runs the figures up to 6,500. Then Mr. Gingham, +the undertaker, who collects the vital statistics for the provincial +government, makes an estimate from the number of what he calls the +"demised" as compared with the less interesting persons who are still +alive, and brings the population to 7,000. After that somebody else +works it out that it's 7,500; then the man behind the bar of the +Mariposa House offers to bet the whole room that there are 9,000 people +in Mariposa. That settles it, and the population is well on the way to +10,000, when down swoops the federal census taker on his next round and +the town has to begin all over again. + +Still, it is a thriving town and there is no doubt of it. Even the +transcontinental railways, as any townsman will tell you, run through +Mariposa. It is true that the trains mostly go through at night and +don't stop. But in the wakeful silence of the summer night you may hear +the long whistle of the through train for the west as it tears through +Mariposa, rattling over the switches and past the semaphores and +ending in a long, sullen roar as it takes the trestle bridge over the +Ossawippi. Or, better still, on a winter evening about eight o'clock you +will see the long row of the Pullmans and diners of the night express +going north to the mining country, the windows flashing with brilliant +light, and within them a vista of cut glass and snow-white table linen, +smiling negroes and millionaires with napkins at their chins whirling +past in the driving snowstorm. + +I can tell you the people of Mariposa are proud of the trains, even if +they don't stop! The joy of being on the main line lifts the Mariposa +people above the level of their neighbours in such places as Tecumseh +and Nichols Corners into the cosmopolitan atmosphere of through traffic +and the larger life. Of course, they have their own train, too--the +Mariposa Local, made up right there in the station yard, and running +south to the city a hundred miles away. That, of course, is a real +train, with a box stove on end in the passenger car, fed with cordwood +upside down, and with seventeen flat cars of pine lumber set between the +passenger car and the locomotive so as to give the train its full impact +when shunting. + +Outside of Mariposa there are farms that begin well but get thinner and +meaner as you go on, and end sooner or later in bush and swamp and the +rock of the north country. And beyond that again, as the background of +it all, though it's far away, you are somehow aware of the great pine +woods of the lumber country reaching endlessly into the north. + +Not that the little town is always gay or always bright in the sunshine. +There never was such a place for changing its character with the season. +Dark enough and dull it seems of a winter night, the wooden sidewalks +creaking with the frost, and the lights burning dim behind the shop +windows. In olden times the lights were coal oil lamps; now, of course, +they are, or are supposed to be, electricity, brought from the power +house on the lower Ossawippi nineteen miles away. But, somehow, though +it starts off as electricity from the Ossawippi rapids, by the time it +gets to Mariposa and filters into the little bulbs behind the frosty +windows of the shops, it has turned into coal oil again, as yellow and +bleared as ever. + +After the winter, the snow melts and the ice goes out of the lake, the +sun shines high and the shanty-men come down from the lumber woods and +lie round drunk on the sidewalk outside of Smith's Hotel--and that's +spring time. Mariposa is then a fierce, dangerous lumber town, +calculated to terrorize the soul of a newcomer who does not +understand that this also is only an appearance and that presently the +rough-looking shanty-men will change their clothes and turn back again +into farmers. + +Then the sun shines warmer and the maple trees come out and Lawyer +Macartney puts on his tennis trousers, and that's summer time. The +little town changes to a sort of summer resort. There are visitors up +from the city. Every one of the seven cottages along the lake is full. +The Mariposa Belle churns the waters of the Wissanotti into foam as she +sails out from the wharf, in a cloud of flags, the band playing and the +daughters and sisters of the Knights of Pythias dancing gaily on the +deck. + +That changes too. The days shorten. The visitors disappear. The golden +rod beside the meadow droops and withers on its stem. The maples blaze +in glory and die. The evening closes dark and chill, and in the gloom +of the main corner of Mariposa the Salvation Army around a naphtha lamp +lift up the confession of their sins--and that is autumn. Thus the year +runs its round, moving and changing in Mariposa, much as it does in +other places. + +If, then, you feel that you know the town well enough to be admitted +into the inner life and movement of it, walk down this June afternoon +half way down the Main Street--or, if you like, half way up from the +wharf--to where Mr. Smith is standing at the door of his hostelry. You +will feel as you draw near that it is no ordinary man that you approach. +It is not alone the huge bulk of Mr. Smith (two hundred and eighty +pounds as tested on Netley's scales). It is not merely his costume, +though the chequered waistcoat of dark blue with a flowered pattern +forms, with his shepherd's plaid trousers, his grey spats and +patent-leather boots, a colour scheme of no mean order. Nor is it +merely Mr. Smith's finely mottled face. The face, no doubt, is a notable +one,--solemn, inexpressible, unreadable, the face of the heaven-born +hotel keeper. It is more than that. It is the strange dominating +personality of the man that somehow holds you captive. I know nothing in +history to compare with the position of Mr. Smith among those who drink +over his bar, except, though in a lesser degree, the relation of the +Emperor Napoleon to the Imperial Guard. + +When you meet Mr. Smith first you think he looks like an over-dressed +pirate. Then you begin to think him a character. You wonder at his +enormous bulk. Then the utter hopelessness of knowing what Smith is +thinking by merely looking at his features gets on your mind and makes +the Mona Lisa seem an open book and the ordinary human countenance as +superficial as a puddle in the sunlight. After you have had a drink +in Mr. Smith's bar, and he has called you by your Christian name, you +realize that you are dealing with one of the greatest minds in the hotel +business. + +Take, for instance, the big sign that sticks out into the street above +Mr. Smith's head as he stands. What is on it? "JOS. SMITH, PROP." +Nothing more, and yet the thing was a flash of genius. Other men who had +had the hotel before Mr. Smith had called it by such feeble names as +the Royal Hotel and the Queen's and the Alexandria. Every one of them +failed. When Mr. Smith took over the hotel he simply put up the sign +with "JOS. SMITH, PROP.," and then stood underneath in the sunshine as +a living proof that a man who weighs nearly three hundred pounds is the +natural king of the hotel business. + +But on this particular afternoon, in spite of the sunshine and deep +peace, there was something as near to profound concern and anxiety as +the features of Mr. Smith were ever known to express. + +The moment was indeed an anxious one. Mr. Smith was awaiting a telegram +from his legal adviser who had that day journeyed to the county town +to represent the proprietor's interest before the assembled License +Commissioners. If you know anything of the hotel business at all, +you will understand that as beside the decisions of the License +Commissioners of Missinaba County, the opinions of the Lords of the +Privy Council are mere trifles. + +The matter in question was very grave. The Mariposa Court had just +fined Mr. Smith for the second time for selling liquors after hours. The +Commissioners, therefore, were entitled to cancel the license. + +Mr. Smith knew his fault and acknowledged it. He had broken the law. How +he had come to do so, it passed his imagination to recall. Crime always +seems impossible in retrospect. By what sheer madness of the moment +could he have shut up the bar on the night in question, and shut Judge +Pepperleigh, the district judge in Missinaba County, outside of it? The +more so inasmuch as the closing up of the bar under the rigid license +law of the province was a matter that the proprietor never trusted to +any hands but his own. Punctually every night at 11 o'clock Mr. Smith +strolled from the desk of the "rotunda" to the door of the bar. If it +seemed properly full of people and all was bright and cheerful, then +he closed it. If not, he kept it open a few minutes longer till he had +enough people inside to warrant closing. But never, never unless he was +assured that Pepperleigh, the judge of the court, and Macartney, the +prosecuting attorney, were both safely in the bar, or the bar parlour, +did the proprietor venture to close up. Yet on this fatal night +Pepperleigh and Macartney had been shut out--actually left on the street +without a drink, and compelled to hammer and beat at the street door of +the bar to gain admittance. + +This was the kind of thing not to be tolerated. Either a hotel must be +run decently or quit. An information was laid next day and Mr. Smith +convicted in four minutes,--his lawyers practically refusing to plead. +The Mariposa court, when the presiding judge was cold sober, and it +had the force of public opinion behind it, was a terrible engine of +retributive justice. + +So no wonder that Mr. Smith awaited with anxiety the message of his +legal adviser. + +He looked alternately up the street and down it again, hauled out his +watch from the depths of his embroidered pocket, and examined the hour +hand and the minute hand and the second hand with frowning scrutiny. + +Then wearily, and as one mindful that a hotel man is ever the servant of +the public, he turned back into the hotel. + +"Billy," he said to the desk clerk, "if a wire comes bring it into the +bar parlour." + +The voice of Mr. Smith is of a deep guttural such as Plancon or Edouard +de Reske might have obtained had they had the advantages of the hotel +business. And with that, Mr. Smith, as was his custom in off moments, +joined his guests in the back room. His appearance, to the untrained +eye, was merely that of an extremely stout hotelkeeper walking from the +rotunda to the back bar. In reality, Mr. Smith was on the eve of one of +the most brilliant and daring strokes ever effected in the history of +licensed liquor. When I say that it was out of the agitation of this +situation that Smith's Ladies' and Gent's Cafe originated, anybody who +knows Mariposa will understand the magnitude of the moment. + +Mr. Smith, then, moved slowly from the doorway of the hotel through the +"rotunda," or more simply the front room with the desk and the cigar +case in it, and so to the bar and thence to the little room or back bar +behind it. In this room, as I have said, the brightest minds of Mariposa +might commonly be found in the quieter part of a summer afternoon. + +To-day there was a group of four who looked up as Mr. Smith entered, +somewhat sympathetically, and evidently aware of the perplexities of the +moment. + +Henry Mullins and George Duff, the two bank managers, were both present. +Mullins is a rather short, rather round, smooth-shaven man of less than +forty, wearing one of those round banking suits of pepper and salt, with +a round banking hat of hard straw, and with the kind of gold tie-pin and +heavy watch-chain and seals necessary to inspire confidence in matters +of foreign exchange. Duff is just as round and just as short, and +equally smoothly shaven, while his seals and straw hat are calculated to +prove that the Commercial is just as sound a bank as the Exchange. From +the technical point of view of the banking business, neither of them had +any objection to being in Smith's Hotel or to taking a drink as long +as the other was present. This, of course, was one of the cardinal +principles of Mariposa banking. + +Then there was Mr. Diston, the high school teacher, commonly known as +the "one who drank." None of the other teachers ever entered a hotel +unless accompanied by a lady or protected by a child. But as Mr. +Diston was known to drink beer on occasions and to go in and out of the +Mariposa House and Smith's Hotel, he was looked upon as a man whose life +was a mere wreck. Whenever the School Board raised the salaries of the +other teachers, fifty or sixty dollars per annum at one lift, it was +well understood that public morality wouldn't permit of an increase for +Mr. Diston. + +Still more noticeable, perhaps, was the quiet, sallow looking man +dressed in black, with black gloves and with black silk hat heavily +craped and placed hollow-side-up on a chair. This was Mr. Golgotha +Gingham, the undertaker of Mariposa, and his dress was due to the fact +that he had just come from what he called an "interment." Mr. Gingham +had the true spirit of his profession, and such words as "funeral" +or "coffin" or "hearse" never passed his lips. He spoke always of +"interments," of "caskets," and "coaches," using terms that were +calculated rather to bring out the majesty and sublimity of death than +to parade its horrors. + +To be present at the hotel was in accord with Mr. Gingham's general +conception of his business. No man had ever grasped the true principles +of undertaking more thoroughly than Mr. Gingham. I have often heard him +explain that to associate with the living, uninteresting though they +appear, is the only way to secure the custom of the dead. + +"Get to know people really well while they are alive," said Mr. Gingham; +"be friends with them, close friends and then when they die you don't +need to worry. You'll get the order every time." + +So, naturally, as the moment was one of sympathy, it was Mr. Gingham who +spoke first. + +"What'll you do, Josh," he said, "if the Commissioners go against you?" + +"Boys," said Mr. Smith, "I don't rightly know. If I have to quit, the +next move is to the city. But I don't reckon that I will have to quit. +I've got an idee that I think's good every time." + +"Could you run a hotel in the city?" asked Mullins. + +"I could," said Mr. Smith. "I'll tell you. There's big things doin' +in the hotel business right now, big chances if you go into it right. +Hotels in the city is branching out. Why, you take the dining-room +side of it," continued Mr. Smith, looking round at the group, "there's +thousands in it. The old plan's all gone. Folks won't eat now in an +ordinary dining-room with a high ceiling and windows. You have to get +'em down underground in a room with no windows and lots of sawdust round +and waiters that can't speak English. I seen them places last time I was +in the city. They call 'em Rats' Coolers. And for light meals they want +a Caff, a real French Caff, and for folks that come in late another +place that they call a Girl Room that don't shut up at all. If I go to +the city that's the kind of place I mean to run. What's yours, Gol? It's +on the house?" + +And it was just at the moment when Mr. Smith said this that Billy, the +desk-clerk, entered the room with the telegram in his hand. + +But stop--it is impossible for you to understand the anxiety with which +Mr. Smith and his associates awaited the news from the Commissioners, +without first realizing the astounding progress of Mr. Smith in the +three past years, and the pinnacle of public eminence to which he had +attained. + +Mr. Smith had come down from the lumber country of the Spanish River, +where the divide is toward the Hudson Bay,--"back north" as they called +it in Mariposa. + +He had been, it was said, a cook in the lumber shanties. To this day Mr. +Smith can fry an egg on both sides with a lightness of touch that is the +despair of his own "help." + +After that, he had run a river driver's boarding-house. + +After that, he had taken a food contract for a gang of railroad navvies +on the transcontinental. + +After that, of course, the whole world was open to him. + +He came down to Mariposa and bought out the "inside" of what had been +the Royal Hotel. + +Those who are educated understand that by the "inside" of a hotel is +meant everything except the four outer walls of it--the fittings, the +furniture, the bar, Billy the desk-clerk, the three dining-room girls, +and above all the license granted by King Edward VII., and ratified +further by King George, for the sale of intoxicating liquors. + +Till then the Royal had been a mere nothing. As "Smith's Hotel" it broke +into a blaze of effulgence. + +From the first, Mr. Smith, as a proprietor, was a wild, rapturous +success. + +He had all the qualifications. + +He weighed two hundred and eighty pounds. + +He could haul two drunken men out of the bar each by the scruff of the +neck without the faintest anger or excitement. + +He carried money enough in his trousers pockets to start a bank, and +spent it on anything, bet it on anything, and gave it away in handfuls. + +He was never drunk, and, as a point of chivalry to his customers, never +quite sober. Anybody was free of the hotel who cared to come in. Anybody +who didn't like it could go out. Drinks of all kinds cost five cents, +or six for a quarter. Meals and beds were practically free. Any persons +foolish enough to go to the desk and pay for them, Mr. Smith charged +according to the expression of their faces. + +At first the loafers and the shanty men settled down on the place in a +shower. But that was not the "trade" that Mr. Smith wanted. He knew +how to get rid of them. An army of charwomen, turned into the hotel, +scrubbed it from top to bottom. A vacuum cleaner, the first seen in +Mariposa, hissed and screamed in the corridors. Forty brass beds were +imported from the city, not, of course, for the guests to sleep in, but +to keep them out. A bar-tender with a starched coat and wicker sleeves +was put behind the bar. + +The loafers were put out of business. The place had become too "high +toned" for them. + +To get the high class trade, Mr. Smith set himself to dress the part. +He wore wide cut coats of filmy serge, light as gossamer; chequered +waistcoats with a pattern for every day in the week; fedora hats light +as autumn leaves; four-in-hand ties of saffron and myrtle green with a +diamond pin the size of a hazel nut. On his fingers there were as many +gems as would grace a native prince of India; across his waistcoat lay +a gold watch-chain in huge square links and in his pocket a gold watch +that weighed a pound and a half and marked minutes, seconds and quarter +seconds. Just to look at Josh Smith's watch brought at least ten men to +the bar every evening. + +Every morning Mr. Smith was shaved by Jefferson Thorpe, across the way. +All that art could do, all that Florida water could effect, was lavished +on his person. + +Mr. Smith became a local character. Mariposa was at his feet. All the +reputable business-men drank at Mr. Smith's bar, and in the little +parlour behind it you might find at any time a group of the brightest +intellects in the town. + +Not but what there was opposition at first. The clergy, for example, +who accepted the Mariposa House and the Continental as a necessary and +useful evil, looked askance at the blazing lights and the surging crowd +of Mr. Smith's saloon. They preached against him. When the Rev. Dean +Drone led off with a sermon on the text "Lord be merciful even unto this +publican Matthew Six," it was generally understood as an invitation to +strike Mr. Smith dead. In the same way the sermon at the Presbyterian +church the week after was on the text "Lo what now doeth Abiram in the +land of Melchisideck Kings Eight and Nine?" and it was perfectly plain +that what was meant was, "Lo, what is Josh Smith doing in Mariposa?" + +But this opposition had been countered by a wide and sagacious +philanthropy. I think Mr. Smith first got the idea of that on the night +when the steam merry-go-round came to Mariposa. Just below the hostelry, +on an empty lot, it whirled and whistled, steaming forth its tunes on +the summer evening while the children crowded round it in hundreds. Down +the street strolled Mr. Smith, wearing a soft fedora to indicate that it +was evening. + +"What d'you charge for a ride, boss?" said Mr. Smith. + +"Two for a nickel," said the man. + +"Take that," said Mr. Smith, handing out a ten-dollar bill from a roll +of money, "and ride the little folks free all evening." + +That night the merry-go-round whirled madly till after midnight, +freighted to capacity with Mariposa children, while up in Smith's Hotel, +parents, friends and admirers, as the news spread, were standing four +deep along the bar. They sold forty dollars' worth of lager alone that +night, and Mr. Smith learned, if he had not already suspected it, the +blessedness of giving. + +The uses of philanthropy went further. Mr. Smith subscribed to +everything, joined everything, gave to everything. He became an +Oddfellow, a Forester, A Knight of Pythias and a Workman. He gave a +hundred dollars to the Mariposa Hospital and a hundred dollars to the +Young Men's Christian Association. + +He subscribed to the Ball Club, the Lacrosse Club, the Curling Club, +to anything, in fact, and especially to all those things which needed +premises to meet in and grew thirsty in their discussions. + +As a consequence the Oddfellows held their annual banquet at Smith's +Hotel and the Oyster Supper of the Knights of Pythias was celebrated in +Mr. Smith's dining-room. + +Even more effective, perhaps, were Mr. Smith's secret benefactions, +the kind of giving done by stealth of which not a soul in town knew +anything, often, for a week after it was done. It was in this way that +Mr. Smith put the new font in Dean Drone's church, and handed over a +hundred dollars to Judge Pepperleigh for the unrestrained use of the +Conservative party. + +So it came about that, little by little, the antagonism had died down. +Smith's Hotel became an accepted institution in Mariposa. Even the +temperance people were proud of Mr. Smith as a sort of character who +added distinction to the town. There were moments, in the earlier quiet +of the morning, when Dean Drone would go so far as to step in to the +"rotunda" and collect a subscription. As for the Salvation Army, they +ran in and out all the time unreproved. + +On only one point difficulty still remained. That was the closing of +the bar. Mr. Smith could never bring his mind to it,--not as a matter of +profit, but as a point of honour. It was too much for him to feel that +Judge Pepperleigh might be out on the sidewalk thirsty at midnight, that +the night hands of the Times-Herald on Wednesday might be compelled +to go home dry. On this point Mr. Smith's moral code was simplicity +itself,--do what is right and take the consequences. So the bar stayed +open. + +Every town, I suppose, has its meaner spirits. In every genial +bosom some snake is warmed,--or, as Mr. Smith put it to Golgotha +Gingham--"there are some fellers even in this town skunks enough to +inform." + +At first the Mariposa court quashed all indictments. The presiding +judge, with his spectacles on and a pile of books in front of him, +threatened the informer with the penitentiary. The whole bar of Mariposa +was with Mr. Smith. But by sheer iteration the informations had proved +successful. Judge Pepperleigh learned that Mr. Smith had subscribed a +hundred dollars for the Liberal party and at once fined him for keeping +open after hours. That made one conviction. On the top of this had come +the untoward incident just mentioned and that made two. Beyond that +was the deluge. This then was the exact situation when Billy, the desk +clerk, entered the back bar with the telegram in his hand. + +"Here's your wire, sir," he said. + +"What does it say?" said Mr. Smith. + +He always dealt with written documents with a fine air of detachment. I +don't suppose there were ten people in Mariposa who knew that Mr. Smith +couldn't read. + +Billy opened the message and read, "Commissioners give you three months +to close down." + +"Let me read it," said Mr. Smith, "that's right, three months to close +down." + +There was dead silence when the message was read. Everybody waited for +Mr. Smith to speak. Mr. Gingham instinctively assumed the professional +air of hopeless melancholy. + +As it was afterwards recorded, Mr. Smith stood and "studied" with the +tray in his hand for at least four minutes. Then he spoke. + +"Boys," he said, "I'll be darned if I close down till I'm ready to close +down. I've got an idee. You wait and I'll show you." + +And beyond that, not another word did Mr. Smith say on the subject. + +But within forty-eight hours the whole town knew that something was +doing. The hotel swarmed with carpenters, bricklayers and painters. +There was an architect up from the city with a bundle of blue prints +in his hand. There was an engineer taking the street level with a +theodolite, and a gang of navvies with shovels digging like fury as if +to dig out the back foundations of the hotel. + +"That'll fool 'em," said Mr. Smith. + +Half the town was gathered round the hotel crazy with excitement. But +not a word would the proprietor say. Great dray loads of square timber, +and two-by-eight pine joists kept arriving from the planing mill. There +was a pile of matched spruce sixteen feet high lying by the sidewalk. + +Then the excavation deepened and the dirt flew, and the beams went up +and the joists across, and all the day from dawn till dusk the hammers +of the carpenters clattered away, working overtime at time and a half. + +"It don't matter what it costs," said Mr. Smith; "get it done." + +Rapidly the structure took form. It extended down the side street, +joining the hotel at a right angle. Spacious and graceful it looked as +it reared its uprights into the air. + +Already you could see the place where the row of windows was to come, a +veritable palace of glass, it must be, so wide and commodious were they. +Below it, you could see the basement shaping itself, with a low ceiling +like a vault and big beams running across, dressed, smoothed, and ready +for staining. Already in the street there were seven crates of red and +white awning. + +And even then nobody knew what it was, and it was not till the +seventeenth day that Mr. Smith, in the privacy of the back bar, broke +the silence and explained. + +"I tell you, boys," he says, "it's a caff--like what they have in the +city--a ladies' and gent's caff, and that underneath (what's yours, Mr. +Mullins?) is a Rats' Cooler. And when I get her started, I'll hire a +French Chief to do the cooking, and for the winter I will put in a 'girl +room,' like what they have in the city hotels. And I'd like to see who's +going to close her up then." + +Within two more weeks the plan was in operation. Not only was the caff +built but the very hotel was transformed. Awnings had broken out in a +red and white cloud upon its face, its every window carried a box of +hanging plants, and above in glory floated the Union Jack. The very +stationery was changed. The place was now Smith's Summer Pavilion. It +was advertised in the city as Smith's Tourists' Emporium, and Smith's +Northern Health Resort. Mr. Smith got the editor of the Times-Herald to +write up a circular all about ozone and the Mariposa pine woods, with +illustrations of the maskinonge (piscis mariposis) of Lake Wissanotti. + +The Saturday after that circular hit the city in July, there were men +with fishing rods and landing nets pouring in on every train, almost +too fast to register. And if, in the face of that, a few little drops of +whiskey were sold over the bar, who thought of it? + +But the caff! that, of course, was the crowning glory of the thing, that +and the Rats' Cooler below. + +Light and cool, with swinging windows open to the air, tables with +marble tops, palms, waiters in white coats--it was the standing marvel +of Mariposa. Not a soul in the town except Mr. Smith, who knew it by +instinct, ever guessed that waiters and palms and marble tables can be +rented over the long distance telephone. + +Mr. Smith was as good as his word. He got a French Chief with an +aristocratic saturnine countenance, and a moustache and imperial that +recalled the late Napoleon III. No one knew where Mr. Smith got him. +Some people in the town said he was a French marquis. Others said he was +a count and explained the difference. + +No one in Mariposa had ever seen anything like the caff. All down the +side of it were the grill fires, with great pewter dish covers that went +up and down on a chain, and you could walk along the row and actually +pick out your own cutlet and then see the French marquis throw it on +to the broiling iron; you could watch a buckwheat pancake whirled +into existence under your eyes and see fowls' legs devilled, peppered, +grilled, and tormented till they lost all semblance of the original +Mariposa chicken. + +Mr. Smith, of course, was in his glory. + +"What have you got to-day, Alf?" he would say, as he strolled over to +the marquis. The name of the Chief was, I believe Alphonse, but "Alf" +was near enough for Mr. Smith. + +The marquis would extend to the proprietor the menu, "Voila, m'sieu, la +carte du jour." + +Mr. Smith, by the way, encouraged the use of the French language in +the caff. He viewed it, of course, solely in its relation to the hotel +business, and, I think, regarded it as a recent invention. + +"It's comin' in all the time in the city," he said, "and y'aint expected +to understand it." + +Mr. Smith would take the carte between his finger and thumb and stare +at it. It was all covered with such devices as Potage la Mariposa--Filet +Mignon a la proprietaire--Cotellete a la Smith, and so on. + +But the greatest thing about the caff were the prices. Therein lay, as +everybody saw at once, the hopeless simplicity of Mr. Smith. + +The prices stood fast at 25 cents a meal. You could come in and eat all +they had in the caff for a quarter. + +"No, sir," Mr. Smith said stoutly, "I ain't going to try to raise no +prices on the public. The hotel's always been a quarter and the caff's a +quarter." + +Full? Full of people? + +Well, I should think so! From the time the caff opened at 11 till it +closed at 8.30, you could hardly find a table. Tourists, visitors, +travellers, and half the people of Mariposa crowded at the little +tables; crockery rattling, glasses tinkling on trays, corks popping, the +waiters in their white coats flying to and fro, Alphonse whirling the +cutlets and pancakes into the air, and in and through it all, Mr. +Smith, in a white flannel suit and a broad crimson sash about his waist. +Crowded and gay from morning to night, and even noisy in its hilarity. + +Noisy, yes; but if you wanted deep quiet and cool, if you wanted to step +from the glare of a Canadian August to the deep shadow of an enchanted +glade,--walk down below into the Rats' Cooler. There you had it; dark +old beams (who could believe they were put there a month ago?), great +casks set on end with legends such as Amontillado Fino done in gilt on +a black ground, tall steins filled with German beer soft as moss, and a +German waiter noiseless as moving foam. He who entered the Rats' +Cooler at three of a summer afternoon was buried there for the day. Mr. +Golgotha Gingham spent anything from four to seven hours there of every +day. In his mind the place had all the quiet charm of an interment, with +none of its sorrows. + +But at night, when Mr. Smith and Billy, the desk clerk, opened up the +cash register and figured out the combined losses of the caff and the +Rats' Cooler, Mr. Smith would say: + +"Billy, just wait till I get the license renood, and I'll close up this +damn caff so tight they'll never know what hit her. What did that lamb +cost? Fifty cents a pound, was it? I figure it, Billy, that every one of +them hogs eats about a dollar's worth a grub for every twenty-five cents +they pay on it. As for Alf--by gosh, I'm through with him." + +But that, of course, was only a confidential matter as between Mr. Smith +and Billy. + +I don't know at what precise period it was that the idea of a petition +to the License Commissioners first got about the town. No one seemed to +know just who suggested it. But certain it was that public opinion +began to swing strongly towards the support of Mr. Smith. I think it was +perhaps on the day after the big fish dinner that Alphonse cooked for +the Mariposa Canoe Club (at twenty cents a head) that the feeling began +to find open expression. People said it was a shame that a man like Josh +Smith should be run out of Mariposa by three license commissioners. Who +were the license commissioners, anyway? Why, look at the license system +they had in Sweden; yes, and in Finland and in South America. Or, for +the matter of that, look at the French and Italians, who drink all day +and all night. Aren't they all right? Aren't they a musical people? Take +Napoleon, and Victor Hugo; drunk half the time, and yet look what they +did. + +I quote these arguments not for their own sake, but merely to indicate +the changing temper of public opinion in Mariposa. Men would sit in the +caff at lunch perhaps for an hour and a half and talk about the license +question in general, and then go down into the Rats' Cooler and talk +about it for two hours more. + +It was amazing the way the light broke in in the case of particular +individuals, often the most unlikely, and quelled their opposition. + +Take, for example, the editor of the Newspacket. I suppose there wasn't +a greater temperance advocate in town. Yet Alphonse queered him with an +Omelette a la License in one meal. + +Or take Pepperleigh himself, the judge of the Mariposa court. He was +put to the bad with a game pie,--pate normand aux fines herbes--the +real thing, as good as a trip to Paris in itself. After eating it, +Pepperleigh had the common sense to realize that it was sheer madness to +destroy a hotel that could cook a thing like that. + +In the same way, the secretary of the School Board was silenced with a +stuffed duck a la Ossawippi. + +Three members of the town council were converted with a Dindon farci a +la Josh Smith. + +And then, finally, Mr. Diston persuaded Dean Drone to come, and as soon +as Mr. Smith and Alphonse saw him they landed him with a fried flounder +that even the apostles would have appreciated. + +After that, every one knew that the license question was practically +settled. The petition was all over the town. It was printed in duplicate +at the Newspacket and you could see it lying on the counter of every +shop in Mariposa. Some of the people signed it twenty or thirty times. + +It was the right kind of document too. It began--"Whereas in the bounty +of providence the earth putteth forth her luscious fruits and her +vineyards for the delight and enjoyment of mankind--" It made you +thirsty just to read it. Any man who read that petition over was wild to +get to the Rats' Cooler. + +When it was all signed up they had nearly three thousand names on it. + +Then Nivens, the lawyer, and Mr. Gingham (as a provincial official) took +it down to the county town, and by three o'clock that afternoon the +news had gone out from the long distance telephone office that Smith's +license was renewed for three years. + +Rejoicings! Well, I should think so! Everybody was down wanting to +shake hands with Mr. Smith. They told him that he had done more to boom +Mariposa than any ten men in town. Some of them said he ought to run +for the town council, and others wanted to make him the Conservative +candidate for the next Dominion election. The caff was a mere babel +of voices, and even the Rats' Cooler was almost floated away from its +moorings. + +And in the middle of it all, Mr. Smith found time to say to Billy, +the desk clerk: "Take the cash registers out of the caff and the Rats' +Cooler and start counting up the books." + +And Billy said: "Will I write the letters for the palms and the tables +and the stuff to go back?" + +And Mr. Smith said: "Get 'em written right away." + +So all evening the laughter and the chatter and the congratulations went +on, and it wasn't till long after midnight that Mr. Smith was able to +join Billy in the private room behind the "rotunda." Even when he did, +there was a quiet and a dignity about his manner that had never been +there before. I think it must have been the new halo of the Conservative +candidacy that already radiated from his brow. It was, I imagine, at +this very moment that Mr. Smith first realised that the hotel business +formed the natural and proper threshold of the national legislature. + +"Here's the account of the cash registers," said Billy. + +"Let me see it," said Mr. Smith. And he studied the figures without a +word. + +"And here's the letters about the palms, and here's Alphonse up to +yesterday--" + +And then an amazing thing happened. + +"Billy," said Mr. Smith, "tear'em up. I ain't going to do it. It ain't +right and I won't do it. They got me the license for to keep the caff +and I'm going to keep the caff. I don't need to close her. The bar's +good for anything from forty to a hundred a day now, with the Rats' +Cooler going good, and that caff will stay right here." + +And stay it did. + +There it stands, mind you, to this day. You've only to step round the +corner of Smith's Hotel on the side street and read the sign: LADIES' +AND GENT'S CAFE, just as large and as imposing as ever. + +Mr. Smith said that he'd keep the caff, and when he saida thing he meant +it! + +Of course there were changes, small changes. + +I don't say, mind you, that the fillet de beef that you get there now is +perhaps quite up to the level of the filet de boeufs aux champignons of +the days of glory. + +No doubt the lamb chops in Smith's Caff are often very much the same, +nowadays, as the lamb chops of the Mariposa House or the Continental. + +Of course, things like Omelette aux Trufles practically died out when +Alphonse went. And, naturally, the leaving of Alphonse was inevitable. +No one knew just when he went, or why. But one morning he was gone. Mr. +Smith said that "Alf had to go back to his folks in the old country." + +So, too, when Alf left, the use of the French language, as such, fell +off tremendously in the caff. Even now they use it to some extent. You +can still get fillet de beef, and saucisson au juice, but Billy the desk +clerk has considerable trouble with the spelling. + +The Rats' Cooler, of course, closed down, or rather Mr. Smith closed it +for repairs, and there is every likelihood that it will hardly open for +three years. But the caff is there. They don't use the grills, because +there's no need to, with the hotel kitchen so handy. + +The "girl room," I may say, was never opened. Mr. Smith promised it, it +is true, for the winter, and still talks of it. But somehow there's been +a sort of feeling against it. Every one in town admits that every big +hotel in the city has a "girl room" and that it must be all right. +Still, there's a certain--well, you know how sensitive opinion is in a +place like Mariposa. + + + + +TWO. The Speculations of Jefferson Thorpe + +It was not until the mining boom, at the time when everybody went simply +crazy over the Cobalt and Porcupine mines of the new silver country near +the Hudson Bay, that Jefferson Thorpe reached what you might call public +importance in Mariposa. + +Of course everybody knew Jeff and his little barber shop that stood just +across the street from Smith's Hotel. Everybody knew him and everybody +got shaved there. From early morning, when the commercial travellers off +the 6.30 express got shaved into the resemblance of human beings, there +were always people going in and out of the barber shop. + +Mullins, the manager of the Exchange Bank, took his morning shave from +Jeff as a form of resuscitation, with enough wet towels laid on his face +to stew him and with Jeff moving about in the steam, razor in hand, as +grave as an operating surgeon. + +Then, as I think I said, Mr. Smith came in every morning and there was +a tremendous outpouring of Florida water and rums, essences and revivers +and renovators, regardless of expense. What with Jeff's white coat and +Mr. Smith's flowered waistcoat and the red geranium in the window and +the Florida water and the double extract of hyacinth, the little shop +seemed multi-coloured and luxurious enough for the annex of a Sultan's +harem. + +But what I mean is that, till the mining boom, Jefferson Thorpe never +occupied a position of real prominence in Mariposa. You couldn't, for +example, have compared him with a man like Golgotha Gingham, who, +as undertaker, stood in a direct relation to life and death, or to +Trelawney, the postmaster, who drew money from the Federal Government of +Canada, and was regarded as virtually a member of the Dominion Cabinet. + +Everybody knew Jeff and liked him, but the odd thing was that till he +made money nobody took any stock in his ideas at all. It was only after +he made the "clean up" that they came to see what a splendid fellow +he was. "Level-headed" I think was the term; indeed in the speech of +Mariposa, the highest form of endowment was to have the head set on +horizontally as with a theodolite. + +As I say, it was when Jeff made money that they saw how gifted he was, +and when he lost it,--but still, there's no need to go into that. I +believe it's something the same in other places too. + +The barber shop, you will remember, stands across the street from +Smith's Hotel, and stares at it face to face. + +It is one of those wooden structures--I don't know whether you know +them--with a false front that sticks up above its real height and gives +it an air at once rectangular and imposing. It is a form of architecture +much used in Mariposa and understood to be in keeping with the +pretentious and artificial character of modern business. There is a red, +white and blue post in front of the shop and the shop itself has a large +square window out of proportion to its little flat face. + +Painted on the panes of the window is the remains of a legend that once +spelt BARBER SHOP, executed with the flourishes that prevailed in the +golden age of sign painting in Mariposa. Through the window you can see +the geraniums in the window shelf and behind them Jeff Thorpe with his +little black scull cap on and his spectacles drooped upon his nose as he +bends forward in the absorption of shaving. + +As you open the door, it sets in violent agitation a coiled spring up +above and a bell that almost rings. Inside, there are two shaving chairs +of the heavier, or electrocution pattern, with mirrors in front of them +and pigeon holes with individual shaving mugs. There must be ever so +many of them, fifteen or sixteen. It is the current supposition of each +of Jeff's customers that everyone else but himself uses a separate mug. +One corner of the shop is partitioned off and bears the sign: HOT AND +COLD BATHS, 50 CENTS. There has been no bath inside the partition for +twenty years--only old newspapers and a mop. Still, it lends distinction +somehow, just as do the faded cardboard signs that hang against the +mirror with the legends: TURKISH SHAMPOO, 75 CENTS, and ROMAN MASSAGE, +$1.00. + +They said commonly in Mariposa that Jeff made money out of the barber +shop. He may have, and it may have been that that turned his mind to +investment. But it's hard to see how he could. A shave cost five cents, +and a hair-cut fifteen (or the two, if you liked, for a quarter), and +at that it is hard to see how he could make money, even when he had both +chairs going and shaved first in one and then in the other. + +You see, in Mariposa, shaving isn't the hurried, perfunctory thing that +it is in the city. A shave is looked upon as a form of physical pleasure +and lasts anywhere from twenty-five minutes to three-quarters of an +hour. + +In the morning hours, perhaps, there was a semblance of haste about it, +but in the long quiet of the afternoon, as Jeff leaned forward towards +the customer, and talked to him in a soft confidential monotone, like a +portrait painter, the razor would go slower and slower, and pause and +stop, move and pause again, till the shave died away into the mere +drowse of conversation. + +At such hours, the Mariposa barber shop would become a very Palace of +Slumber, and as you waited your turn in one of the wooden arm-chairs +beside the wall, what with the quiet of the hour, and the low drone of +Jeff's conversation, the buzzing of the flies against the window pane +and the measured tick of the clock above the mirror, your head sank +dreaming on your breast, and the Mariposa Newspacket rustled unheeded on +the floor. It makes one drowsy just to think of it! + +The conversation, of course, was the real charm of the place. You see, +Jefferson's forte, or specialty, was information. He could tell you more +things within the compass of a half-hour's shave than you get in days +of laborious research in an encyclopaedia. Where he got it all, I +don't know, but I am inclined to think it came more or less out of the +newspapers. + +In the city, people never read the newspapers, not really, only little +bits and scraps of them. But in Mariposa it's different. There they read +the whole thing from cover to cover, and they build up on it, in +the course of years, a range of acquirement that would put a college +president to the blush. Anybody who has ever heard Henry Mullins and +Peter Glover talk about the future of China will know just what I mean. + +And, of course, the peculiarity of Jeff's conversation was that he could +suit it to his man every time. He had a kind of divination about it. +There was a certain kind of man that Jeff would size up sideways as +he stropped the razor, and in whose ear he would whisper: "I see where +Saint Louis has took four straight games off Chicago,"--and so hold him +fascinated to the end. + +In the same way he would say to Mr. Smith: "I see where it says that +this 'Flying Squirl' run a dead heat for the King's Plate." + +To a humble intellect like mine he would explain in full the relations +of the Keesar to the German Rich Dog. + +But first and foremost, Jeff's specialty in the way of conversation +was finance and the money market, the huge fortunes that a man with the +right kind of head could make. + +I've known Jefferson to pause in his shaving with the razor suspended +in the air as long as five minutes while he described, with his eye +half closed, exactly the kind of a head a man needed in order to make +a "haul" or a "clean up." It was evidently simply a matter of the head, +and as far as one could judge, Jeff's own was the very type required. +I don't know just at what time or how Jefferson first began his +speculative enterprises. It was probably in him from the start. There +is no doubt that the very idea of such things as Traction Stock and +Amalgamated Asbestos went to his head: and whenever he spoke of Mr. +Carnegie and Mr. Rockefeller, the yearning tone of his voice made it as +soft as lathered soap. + +I suppose the most rudimentary form of his speculation was the hens. +That was years ago. He kept them out at the back of his house,--which +itself stood up a grass plot behind and beyond the barber shop,--and in +the old days Jeff would say, with a certain note of pride in his voice, +that The Woman had sold as many as two dozen eggs in a day to the summer +visitors. + +But what with reading about Amalgamated Asbestos and Consolidated Copper +and all that, the hens began to seem pretty small business, and, in +any case, the idea of two dozen eggs at a cent apiece almost makes one +blush. I suppose a good many of us have felt just as Jeff did about our +poor little earnings. Anyway, I remember Jeff telling me one day that +he could take the whole lot of the hens and sell them off and crack +the money into Chicago wheat on margin and turn it over in twenty-four +hours. He did it too. Only somehow when it was turned over it came +upside down on top of the hens. + +After that the hen house stood empty and The Woman had to throw away +chicken feed every day, at a dead loss of perhaps a shave and a half. +But it made no difference to Jeff, for his mind had floated away already +on the possibilities of what he called "displacement" mining on the +Yukon. + +So you can understand that when the mining boom struck Mariposa, +Jefferson Thorpe was in it right from the very start. Why, no wonder; it +seemed like the finger of Providence. Here was this great silver country +spread out to north of us, where people had thought there was only a +wilderness. And right at our very doors! You could see, as I saw, the +night express going north every evening; for all one knew Rockefeller or +Carnegie or anyone might be on it! Here was the wealth of Calcutta, as +the Mariposa Newspacket put it, poured out at our very feet. + +So no wonder the town went wild! All day in the street you could +hear men talking of veins, and smelters and dips and deposits and +faults,--the town hummed with it like a geology class on examination +day. And there were men about the hotels with mining outfits and +theodolites and dunnage bags, and at Smith's bar they would hand chunks +of rock up and down, some of which would run as high as ten drinks to +the pound. + +The fever just caught the town and ran through it! Within a fortnight +they put a partition down Robertson's Coal and Wood Office and opened +the Mariposa Mining Exchange, and just about every man on the Main +Street started buying scrip. Then presently young Fizzlechip, who had +been teller in Mullins's Bank and that everybody had thought a worthless +jackass before, came back from the Cobalt country with a fortune, and +loafed round in the Mariposa House in English khaki and a horizontal +hat, drunk all the time, and everybody holding him up as an example of +what it was possible to do if you tried. + +They all went in. Jim Eliot mortgaged the inside of the drug store and +jammed it into Twin Tamagami. Pete Glover at the hardware store bought +Nippewa stock at thirteen cents and sold it to his brother at seventeen +and bought it back in less than a week at nineteen. They didn't care! +They took a chance. Judge Pepperleigh put the rest of his wife's money +into Temiskaming Common, and Lawyer Macartney got the fever, too, and +put every cent that his sister possessed into Tulip Preferred. + +And even when young Fizzlechip shot himself in the back room of the +Mariposa House, Mr. Gingham buried him in a casket with silver handles +and it was felt that there was a Monte Carlo touch about the whole +thing. + +They all went in--or all except Mr. Smith. You see, Mr. Smith had come +down from there, and he knew all about rocks and mining and canoes and +the north country. He knew what it was to eat flour-baked dampers under +the lee side of a canoe propped among the underbrush, and to drink the +last drop of whiskey within fifty miles. Mr. Smith had mighty little use +for the north. But what he did do, was to buy up enough early potatoes +to send fifteen carload lots into Cobalt at a profit of five dollars a +bag. + +Mr. Smith, I say, hung back. But Jeff Thorpe was in the mining boom +right from the start. He bought in on the Nippewa mine even before the +interim prospectus was out. He took a "block" of 100 shares of +Abbitibbi Development at fourteen cents, and he and Johnson, the livery +stablekeeper next door, formed a syndicate and got a thousand shares +of Metagami Lake at 3 1/4 cents and then "unloaded" them on one of the +sausage men at Netley's butcher shop at a clear cent per cent advance. + +Jeff would open the little drawer below the mirror in the barber +shop and show you all kinds and sorts of Cobalt country mining +certificates,--blue ones, pink ones, green ones, with outlandish and +fascinating names on them that ran clear from the Mattawa to the Hudson +Bay. + +And right from the start he was confident of winning. "There ain't no +difficulty to it," he said, "there's lots of silver up there in that +country and if you buy some here and some there you can't fail to come +out somewhere. I don't say," he used to continue, with the scissors open +and ready to cut, "that some of the greenhorns won't get bit. But if a +feller knows the country and keeps his head level, he can't lose." + +Jefferson had looked at so many prospectuses and so many pictures of +mines and pine trees and smelters, that I think he'd forgotten that he'd +never been in the country. Anyway, what's two hundred miles! + +To an onlooker it certainly didn't seem so simple. I never knew the +meanness, the trickery, of the mining business, the sheer obstinate +determination of the bigger capitalists not to make money when they +might, till I heard the accounts of Jeff's different mines. Take the +case of Corona Jewel. There was a good mine, simply going to ruin for +lack of common sense. + +"She ain't been developed," Jeff would say. "There's silver enough in +her so you could dig it out with a shovel. She's full of it. But they +won't get at her and work her." + +Then he'd take a look at the pink and blue certificates of the Corona +Jewel and slam the drawer on them in disgust. Worse than that was +the Silent Pine,--a clear case of stupid incompetence! Utter lack of +engineering skill was all that was keeping the Silent Pine from making a +fortune for its holders. + +"The only trouble with that mine," said Jeff, "is they won't go deep +enough. They followed the vein down to where it kind o' thinned out and +then they quit. If they'd just go right into her good, they'd get it +again. She's down there all right." + +But perhaps the meanest case of all was the Northern Star. That always +seemed to me, every time I heard of it, a straight case for the criminal +law. The thing was so evidently a conspiracy. + +"I bought her," said Jeff, "at thirty-two, and she stayed right there +tight, like she was stuck. Then a bunch of these fellers in the city +started to drive her down and they got her pushed down to twenty-four, +and I held on to her and they shoved her down to twenty-one. This +morning they've got her down to sixteen, but I don't mean to let go. No, +sir." + +In another fortnight they shoved her, the same unscrupulous crowd, down +to nine cents, and Jefferson still held on. "They're working her down," +he admitted, "but I'm holding her." + +No conflict between vice and virtue was ever grimmer. + +"She's at six," said Jeff, "but I've got her. They can't squeeze me." + +A few days after that, the same criminal gang had her down further than +ever. + +"They've got her down to three cents," said Jeff, "but I'm with her. +Yes, sir, they think they can shove her clean off the market, but +they can't do it. I've boughten in Johnson's shares, and the whole of +Netley's, and I'll stay with her till she breaks." + +So they shoved and pushed and clawed her down--that unseen nefarious +crowd in the city--and Jeff held on to her and they writhed and twisted +at his grip, and then-- + +And then--well, that's just the queer thing about the mining business. +Why, sudden as a flash of lightning, it seemed, the news came over the +wire to the Mariposa Newspacket, that they had struck a vein of silver +in the Northern Star as thick as a sidewalk, and that the stock had +jumped to seventeen dollars a share, and even at that you couldn't get +it! And Jeff stood there flushed and half-staggered against the mirror +of the little shop, with a bunch of mining scrip in his hand that was +worth forty thousand dollars! + +Excitement! It was all over the town in a minutes. They ran off a news +extra at the Mariposa Newspacket, and in less than no time there wasn't +standing room in the barber shop, and over in Smith's Hotel they had +three extra barkeepers working on the lager beer pumps. + +They were selling mining shares on the Main Street in Mariposa that +afternoon and people were just clutching for them. Then at night there +was a big oyster supper in Smith's caff, with speeches, and the Mariposa +band outside. + +And the queer thing was that the very next afternoon was the funeral +of young Fizzlechip, and Dean Drone had to change the whole text of +his Sunday sermon at two days' notice for fear of offending public +sentiment. + +But I think what Jeff liked best of it all was the sort of public +recognition that it meant. He'd stand there in the shop, hardly +bothering to shave, and explain to the men in the arm-chairs how he held +her, and they shoved her, and he clung to her, and what he'd said to +himself--a perfect Iliad--while he was clinging to her. + +The whole thing was in the city papers a few days after with a +photograph of Jeff, taken specially at Ed Moore's studio (upstairs over +Netley's). It showed Jeff sitting among palm trees, as all mining men +do, with one hand on his knee, and a dog, one of those regular mining +dogs, at his feet, and a look of piercing intelligence in his face that +would easily account for forty thousand dollars. + +I say that the recognition meant a lot to Jeff for its own sake. But no +doubt the fortune meant quite a bit to him too on account of Myra. + +Did I mention Myra, Jeff's daughter? Perhaps not. That's the +trouble with the people in Mariposa; they're all so separate and so +different--not a bit like the people in the cities--that unless you hear +about them separately and one by one you can't for a moment understand +what they're like. + +Myra had golden hair and a Greek face and would come bursting through +the barber shop in a hat at least six inches wider than what they +wear in Paris. As you saw her swinging up the street to the Telephone +Exchange in a suit that was straight out of the Delineator and brown +American boots, there was style written all over her,--the kind of +thing that Mariposa recognised and did homage to. And to see her in the +Exchange,--she was one of the four girls that I spoke of,--on her high +stool with a steel cap on,--jabbing the connecting plugs in and out +as if electricity cost nothing--well, all I mean is that you could +understand why it was that the commercial travellers would stand round +in the Exchange calling up all sorts of impossible villages, and +waiting about so pleasant and genial!--it made one realize how naturally +good-tempered men are. And then when Myra would go off duty and Miss +Cleghorn, who was sallow, would come on, the commercial men would be off +again like autumn leaves. + +It just shows the difference between people. There was Myra who treated +lovers like dogs and would slap them across the face with a banana skin +to show her utter independence. And there was Miss Cleghorn, who was +sallow, and who bought a forty cent Ancient History to improve herself: +and yet if she'd hit any man in Mariposa with a banana skin, he'd have +had her arrested for assault. + +Mind you, I don't mean that Myra was merely flippant and worthless. Not +at all. She was a girl with any amount of talent. You should have heard +her recite "The Raven," at the Methodist Social! Simply genius! And when +she acted Portia in the Trial Scene of the Merchant of Venice at the +High School concert, everybody in Mariposa admitted that you couldn't +have told it from the original. + +So, of course, as soon as Jeff made the fortune, Myra had her +resignation in next morning and everybody knew that she was to go to +a dramatic school for three months in the fall and become a leading +actress. + +But, as I said, the public recognition counted a lot for Jeff. The +moment you begin to get that sort of thing it comes in quickly enough. +Brains, you know, are recognized right away. That was why, of course, +within a week from this Jeff received the first big packet of stuff from +the Cuban Land Development Company, with coloured pictures of Cuba, +and fields of bananas, and haciendas and insurrectos with machetes and +Heaven knows what. They heard of him, somehow,--it wasn't for a modest +man like Jefferson to say how. After all, the capitalists of the world +are just one and the same crowd. If you're in it, you're in it, that's +all! Jeff realized why it is that of course men like Carnegie or +Rockefeller and Morgan all know one another. They have to. + +For all I know, this Cuban stuff may have been sent from Morgan himself. +Some of the people in Mariposa said yes, others said no. There was no +certainty. + +Anyway, they were fair and straight, this Cuban crowd that wrote to +Jeff. They offered him to come right in and be one of themselves. If a +man's got the brains, you may as well recognize it straight away. Just +as well write him to be a director now as wait and hesitate till he +forces his way into it. + +Anyhow, they didn't hesitate, these Cuban people that wrote to Jeff from +Cuba--or from a post-office box in New York--it's all the same thing, +because Cuba being so near to New York the mail is all distributed from +there. I suppose in some financial circles they might have been slower, +wanted guarantees of some sort, and so on, but these Cubans, you +know, have got a sort of Spanish warmth of heart that you don't see +in business men in America, and that touches you. No, they asked no +guarantee. Just send the money whether by express order or by bank draft +or cheque, they left that entirely to oneself, as a matter between Cuban +gentlemen. + +And they were quite frank about their enterprise--bananas and tobacco +in the plantation district reclaimed from the insurrectos. You +could see it all there in the pictures--tobacco plants and the +insurrectos--everything. They made no rash promises, just admitted +straight out that the enterprise might realise 400 per cent. or might +conceivably make less. There was no hint of more. + +So within a month, everybody in Mariposa knew that Jeff Thorpe was "in +Cuban lands" and would probably clean up half a million by New Year's. +You couldn't have failed to know it. All round the little shop there +were pictures of banana groves and the harbour of Habana, and Cubans in +white suits and scarlet sashes, smoking cigarettes in the sun and too +ignorant to know that you can make four hundred per cent. by planting a +banana tree. + +I liked it about Jeff that he didn't stop shaving. He went on just +the same. Even when Johnson, the livery stable man, came in with five +hundred dollars and asked him to see if the Cuban Board of Directors +would let him put it in, Jeff laid it in the drawer and then shaved him +for five cents, in the same old way. Of course, he must have felt proud +when, a few days later, he got a letter from the Cuban people, from New +York, accepting the money straight off without a single question, and +without knowing anything more of Johnson except that he was a friend of +Jeff's. They wrote most handsomely. Any friends of Jeff's were friends +of Cuba. All money they might send would be treated just as Jeff's would +be treated. + +One reason, perhaps, why Jeff didn't give up shaving was because it +allowed him to talk about Cuba. You see, everybody knew in Mariposa that +Jeff Thorpe had sold out of Cobalts and had gone into Cuban Renovated +Lands--and that spread round him a kind of halo of wealth and mystery +and outlandishness--oh, something Spanish. Perhaps you've felt it about +people that you know. Anyhow, they asked him about the climate, and +yellow fever and what the negroes were like and all that sort of thing. + +"This Cubey, it appears is an island," Jeff would explain. Of +course, everybody knows how easily islands lend themselves to making +money,--"and for fruit, they say it comes up so fast you can't stop +it." And then he would pass into details about the Hash-enders and the +resurrectos and technical things like that till it was thought a wonder +how he could know it. Still, it was realized that a man with money has +got to know these things. Look at Morgan and Rockefeller and all the men +that make a pile. They know just as much as Jeff did about the countries +where they make it. It stands to reason. + +Did I say that Jeff shaved in the same old way? Not quite. There was +something even dreamier about it now, and a sort of new element in the +way Jeff fell out of his monotone into lapses of thought that I, for +one, misunderstood. I thought that perhaps getting so much money,--well, +you know the way it acts on people in the larger cities. It seemed +to spoil one's idea of Jeff that copper and asbestos and banana lands +should form the goal of his thought when, if he knew it, the little shop +and the sunlight of Mariposa was so much better. + +In fact, I had perhaps borne him a grudge for what seemed to me his +perpetual interest in the great capitalists. He always had some item out +of the paper about them. + +"I see where this here Carnegie has give fifty thousand dollars for one +of them observatories," he would say. + +And another day he would pause in the course of shaving, and almost +whisper: "Did you ever _see_ this Rockefeller?" + +It was only by a sort of accident that I came to know that there was +another side to Jefferson's speculation that no one in Mariposa ever +knew, or will ever know now. + +I knew it because I went in to see Jeff in his house one night. The +house,--I think I said it,--stood out behind the barber shop. You went +out of the back door of the shop, and through a grass plot with petunias +beside it, and the house stood at the end. You could see the light +of the lamp behind the blind, and through the screen door as you came +along. And it was here that Jefferson used to sit in the evenings when +the shop got empty. + +There was a round table that The Woman used to lay for supper, and after +supper there used to be a chequered cloth on it and a lamp with a shade. +And beside it Jeff would sit, with his spectacles on and the paper +spread out, reading about Carnegie and Rockefeller. Near him, but away +from the table, was The Woman doing needlework, and Myra, when she +wasn't working in the Telephone Exchange, was there too with her elbows +on the table reading Marie Corelli--only now, of course, after the +fortune, she was reading the prospectuses of Dramatic Schools. + +So this night,--I don't know just what it was in the paper that caused +it,--Jeff laid down what he was reading and started to talk about +Carnegie. + +"This Carnegie, I bet you, would be worth," said Jeff, closing up his +eyes in calculation, "as much as perhaps two million dollars, if you was +to sell him up. And this Rockefeller and this Morgan, either of them, to +sell them up clean, would be worth another couple of million--" + +I may say in parentheses that it was a favourite method in Mariposa if +you wanted to get at the real worth of a man, to imagine him clean sold +up, put up for auction, as it were. It was the only way to test him. + +"And now look at 'em," Jeff went on. "They make their money and what do +they do with it? They give it away. And who do they give it to? Why, to +those as don't want it, every time. They give it to these professors and +to this research and that, and do the poor get any of it? Not a cent and +never will." + +"I tell you, boys," continued Jeff (there were no boys present, but in +Mariposa all really important speeches are addressed to an imaginary +audience of boys)--"I tell you, if I was to make a million out of this +Cubey, I'd give it straight to the poor, yes, sir--divide it up into a +hundred lots of a thousand dollars each and give it to the people that +hadn't nothing." + +So always after that I knew just what those bananas were being grown +for. + +Indeed, after that, though Jefferson never spoke of his intentions +directly, he said a number of things that seemed to bear on them. He +asked me, for instance, one day, how many blind people it would take to +fill one of these blind homes and how a feller could get ahold of them. +And at another time he asked whether if a feller advertised for some of +these incurables a feller could get enough of them to make a showing. +I know for a fact that he got Nivens, the lawyer, to draw up a document +that was to give an acre of banana land in Cuba to every idiot in +Missinaba county. + +But still,--what's the use of talking of what Jeff meant to do? Nobody +knows or cares about it now. + +The end of it was bound to come. Even in Mariposa some of the people +must have thought so. Else how was it that Henry Mullins made such a +fuss about selling a draft for forty thousand on New York? And why was +it that Mr. Smith wouldn't pay Billy, the desk clerk, his back wages +when he wanted to put it into Cuba? + +Oh yes; some of them must have seen it. And yet when it came it seemed +so quiet,--ever so quiet,--not a bit like the Northern Star mine and +the oyster supper and the Mariposa band. It is strange how quiet these +things look, the other way round. + +You remember the Cuban Land frauds in New York and Porforio Gomez +shooting the detective, and him and Maximo Morez getting clear away with +two hundred thousand? No, of course you don't; why, even in the city +papers it only filled an inch or two of type, and anyway the names were +hard to remember. That was Jeff's money--part of it. Mullins got the +telegram, from a broker or someone, and he showed it to Jeff just as he +was going up the street with an estate agent to look at a big empty lot +on the hill behind the town--the very place for these incurables. + +And Jeff went back to the shop so quiet--have you ever seen an animal +that is stricken through, how quiet it seems to move? + +Well, that's how he walked. + +And since that, though it's quite a little while ago, the shop's open +till eleven every night now, and Jeff is shaving away to pay back that +five hundred that Johnson, the livery man, sent to the Cubans, and-- + +Pathetic? tut! tut! You don't know Mariposa. Jeff has to work pretty +late, but that's nothing--nothing at all, if you've worked hard all your +lifetime. And Myra is back at the Telephone Exchange--they were glad +enough to get her, and she says now that if there's one thing she hates, +it's the stage, and she can't see how the actresses put up with it. + +Anyway, things are not so bad. You see it was just at this time that +Mr. Smith's caff opened, and Mr. Smith came to Jeff's Woman and said he +wanted seven dozen eggs a day, and wanted them handy, and so the hens +are back, and more of them, and they exult so every morning over the +eggs they lay that if you wanted to talk of Rockefeller in the barber +shop you couldn't hear his name for the cackling. + + + + +THREE. The Marine Excursions of the Knights of Pythias + +Half-past six on a July morning! The Mariposa Belle is at the wharf, +decked in flags, with steam up ready to start. + +Excursion day! + +Half past six on a July morning, and Lake Wissanotti lying in the sun as +calm as glass. The opal colours of the morning light are shot from the +surface of the water. + +Out on the lake the last thin threads of the mist are clearing away like +flecks of cotton wool. + +The long call of the loon echoes over the lake. The air is cool and +fresh. There is in it all the new life of the land of the silent pine +and the moving waters. Lake Wissanotti in the morning sunlight! Don't +talk to me of the Italian lakes, or the Tyrol or the Swiss Alps. Take +them away. Move them somewhere else. I don't want them. + +Excursion Day, at half past six of a summer morning! With the boat all +decked in flags and all the people in Mariposa on the wharf, and the +band in peaked caps with big cornets tied to their bodies ready to play +at any minute! I say! Don't tell me about the Carnival of Venice and +the Delhi Durbar. Don't! I wouldn't look at them. I'd shut my eyes! For +light and colour give me every time an excursion out of Mariposa down +the lake to the Indian's Island out of sight in the morning mist. Talk +of your Papal Zouaves and your Buckingham Palace Guard! I want to see +the Mariposa band in uniform and the Mariposa Knights of Pythias with +their aprons and their insignia and their picnic baskets and their +five-cent cigars! + +Half past six in the morning, and all the crowd on the wharf and the +boat due to leave in half an hour. Notice it!--in half an hour. Already +she's whistled twice (at six, and at six fifteen), and at any minute +now, Christie Johnson will step into the pilot house and pull the string +for the warning whistle that the boat will leave in half an hour. +So keep ready. Don't think of running back to Smith's Hotel for the +sandwiches. Don't be fool enough to try to go up to the Greek Store, +next to Netley's, and buy fruit. You'll be left behind for sure if you +do. Never mind the sandwiches and the fruit! Anyway, here comes Mr. +Smith himself with a huge basket of provender that would feed a factory. +There must be sandwiches in that. I think I can hear them clinking. +And behind Mr. Smith is the German waiter from the caff with another +basket--indubitably lager beer; and behind him, the bar-tender of the +hotel, carrying nothing, as far as one can see. But of course if you +know Mariposa you will understand that why he looks so nonchalant and +empty-handed is because he has two bottles of rye whiskey under his +linen duster. You know, I think, the peculiar walk of a man with two +bottles of whiskey in the inside pockets of a linen coat. In Mariposa, +you see, to bring beer to an excursion is quite in keeping with public +opinion. But, whiskey,--well, one has to be a little careful. + +Do I say that Mr. Smith is here? Why, everybody's here. There's Hussell +the editor of the Newspacket, wearing a blue ribbon on his coat, for +the Mariposa Knights of Pythias are, by their constitution, dedicated to +temperance; and there's Henry Mullins, the manager of the Exchange Bank, +also a Knight of Pythias, with a small flask of Pogram's Special in his +hip pocket as a sort of amendment to the constitution. And there's Dean +Drone, the Chaplain of the Order, with a fishing-rod (you never saw +such green bass as lie among the rocks at Indian's Island), and with +a trolling line in case of maskinonge, and a landing net in case of +pickerel, and with his eldest daughter, Lilian Drone, in case of young +men. There never was such a fisherman as the Rev. Rupert Drone. + + +Perhaps I ought to explain that when I speak of the excursion as being +of the Knights of Pythias, the thing must not be understood in any +narrow sense. In Mariposa practically everybody belongs to the Knights +of Pythias just as they do to everything else. That's the great thing +about the town and that's what makes it so different from the city. +Everybody is in everything. + +You should see them on the seventeenth of March, for example, when +everybody wears a green ribbon and they're all laughing and glad,--you +know what the Celtic nature is,--and talking about Home Rule. + +On St. Andrew's Day every man in town wears a thistle and shakes hands +with everybody else, and you see the fine old Scotch honesty beaming out +of their eyes. + +And on St. George's Day!--well, there's no heartiness like the good old +English spirit, after all; why shouldn't a man feel glad that he's an +Englishman? + +Then on the Fourth of July there are stars and stripes flying over half +the stores in town, and suddenly all the men are seen to smoke cigars, +and to know all about Roosevelt and Bryan and the Philippine Islands. +Then you learn for the first time that Jeff Thorpe's people came from +Massachusetts and that his uncle fought at Bunker Hill (it must have +been Bunker Hill,--anyway Jefferson will swear it was in Dakota all +right enough); and you find that George Duff has a married sister in +Rochester and that her husband is all right; in fact, George was down +there as recently as eight years ago. Oh, it's the most American town +imaginable is Mariposa,--on the fourth of July. + +But wait, just wait, if you feel anxious about the solidity of the +British connection, till the twelfth of the month, when everybody is +wearing an orange streamer in his coat and the Orangemen (every man in +town) walk in the big procession. Allegiance! Well, perhaps you remember +the address they gave to the Prince of Wales on the platform of the +Mariposa station as he went through on his tour to the west. I think +that pretty well settled that question. So you will easily understand +that of course everybody belongs to the Knights of Pythias and the +Masons and Oddfellows, just as they all belong to the Snow Shoe Club and +the Girls' Friendly Society. + +And meanwhile the whistle of the steamer has blown again for a quarter +to seven:--loud and long this time, for any one not here now is late +for certain; unless he should happen to come down in the last fifteen +minutes. + +What a crowd upon the wharf and how they pile on to the steamer! It's a +wonder that the boat can hold them all. But that's just the marvellous +thing about the Mariposa Belle. + +I don't know,--I have never known,--where the steamers like the Mariposa +Belle come from. Whether they are built by Harland and Wolff of Belfast, +or whether, on the other hand, they are not built by Harland and Wolff +of Belfast, is more than one would like to say offhand. + +The Mariposa Belle always seems to me to have some of those strange +properties that distinguish Mariposa itself. I mean, her size seems to +vary so. If you see her there in the winter, frozen in the ice beside +the wharf with a snowdrift against the windows of the pilot house, she +looks a pathetic little thing the size of a butternut. But in the summer +time, especially after you've been in Mariposa for a month or two, and +have paddled alongside of her in a canoe, she gets larger and taller, +and with a great sweep of black sides, till you see no difference +between the Mariposa Belle and the Lusitania. Each one is a big steamer +and that's all you can say. + +Nor do her measurements help you much. She draws about eighteen inches +forward, and more than that,--at least half an inch more, astern, and +when she's loaded down with an excursion crowd she draws a good two +inches more. And above the water,--why, look at all the decks on her! +There's the deck you walk on to, from the wharf, all shut in, with +windows along it, and the after cabin with the long table, and above +that the deck with all the chairs piled upon it, and the deck in front +where the band stand round in a circle, and the pilot house is higher +than that, and above the pilot house is the board with the gold name and +the flag pole and the steel ropes and the flags; and fixed in somewhere +on the different levels is the lunch counter where they sell the +sandwiches, and the engine room, and down below the deck level, beneath +the water line, is the place where the crew sleep. What with steps and +stairs and passages and piles of cordwood for the engine,--oh no, I +guess Harland and Wolff didn't build her. They couldn't have. + +Yet even with a huge boat like the Mariposa Belle, it would be +impossible for her to carry all of the crowd that you see in the boat +and on the wharf. In reality, the crowd is made up of two classes,--all +of the people in Mariposa who are going on the excursion and all those +who are not. Some come for the one reason and some for the other. + +The two tellers of the Exchange Bank are both there standing side by +side. But one of them,--the one with the cameo pin and the long face +like a horse,--is going, and the other,--with the other cameo pin and +the face like another horse,--is not. In the same way, Hussell of the +Newspacket is going, but his brother, beside him, isn't. Lilian Drone is +going, but her sister can't; and so on all through the crowd. + + +And to think that things should look like that on the morning of a +steamboat accident. + +How strange life is! + +To think of all these people so eager and anxious to catch the steamer, +and some of them running to catch it, and so fearful that they might +miss it,--the morning of a steamboat accident. And the captain blowing +his whistle, and warning them so severely that he would leave them +behind,--leave them out of the accident! And everybody crowding so +eagerly to be in the accident. + +Perhaps life is like that all through. + +Strangest of all to think, in a case like this, of the people who were +left behind, or in some way or other prevented from going, and always +afterwards told of how they had escaped being on board the Mariposa +Belle that day! + +Some of the instances were certainly extraordinary. Nivens, the lawyer, +escaped from being there merely by the fact that he was away in the +city. + +Towers, the tailor, only escaped owing to the fact that, not intending +to go on the excursion he had stayed in bed till eight o'clock and so +had not gone. He narrated afterwards that waking up that morning +at half-past five, he had thought of the excursion and for some +unaccountable reason had felt glad that he was not going. + + +The case of Yodel, the auctioneer, was even more inscrutable. He had +been to the Oddfellows' excursion on the train the week before and to +the Conservative picnic the week before that, and had decided not to +go on this trip. In fact, he had not the least intention of going. He +narrated afterwards how the night before someone had stopped him on the +corner of Nippewa and Tecumseh Streets (he indicated the very spot) and +asked: "Are you going to take in the excursion to-morrow?" and he had +said, just as simply as he was talking when narrating it: "No." And ten +minutes after that, at the corner of Dalhousie and Brock Streets (he +offered to lead a party of verification to the precise place) somebody +else had stopped him and asked: "Well, are you going on the steamer trip +to-morrow?" Again he had answered: "No," apparently almost in the same +tone as before. + +He said afterwards that when he heard the rumour of the accident +it seemed like the finger of Providence, and fell on his knees in +thankfulness. + +There was the similar case of Morison (I mean the one in Glover's +hardware store that married one of the Thompsons). He said afterwards +that he had read so much in the papers about accidents lately,--mining +accidents, and aeroplanes and gasoline,--that he had grown nervous. The +night before his wife had asked him at supper: "Are you going on the +excursion?" He had answered: "No, I don't think I feel like it," and had +added: "Perhaps your mother might like to go." And the next evening just +at dusk, when the news ran through the town, he said the first thought +that flashed through his head was: "Mrs. Thompson's on that boat." + +He told this right as I say it--without the least doubt or confusion. He +never for a moment imagined she was on the Lusitania or the Olympic +or any other boat. He knew she was on this one. He said you could have +knocked him down where he stood. But no one had. Not even when he got +halfway down,--on his knees, and it would have been easier still to +knock him down or kick him. People do miss a lot of chances. + +Still, as I say, neither Yodel nor Morison nor anyone thought about +there being an accident until just after sundown when they-- + +Well, have you ever heard the long booming whistle of a steamboat two +miles out on the lake in the dusk, and while you listen and count and +wonder, seen the crimson rockets going up against the sky and then heard +the fire bell ringing right there beside you in the town, and seen the +people running to the town wharf? + +That's what the people of Mariposa saw and felt that summer evening as +they watched the Mackinaw life-boat go plunging out into the lake +with seven sweeps to a side and the foam clear to the gunwale with the +lifting stroke of fourteen men! + +But, dear me, I am afraid that this is no way to tell a story. I suppose +the true art would have been to have said nothing about the accident +till it happened. But when you write about Mariposa, or hear of it, if +you know the place, it's all so vivid and real that a thing like the +contrast between the excursion crowd in the morning and the scene at +night leaps into your mind and you must think of it. + + +But never mind about the accident,--let us turn back again to the +morning. + +The boat was due to leave at seven. There was no doubt about the +hour,--not only seven, but seven sharp. The notice in the Newspacket +said: "The boat will leave sharp at seven;" and the advertising posters +on the telegraph poles on Missinaba Street that began "Ho, for Indian's +Island!" ended up with the words: "Boat leaves at seven sharp." There +was a big notice on the wharf that said: "Boat leaves sharp on time." + +So at seven, right on the hour, the whistle blew loud and long, and then +at seven fifteen three short peremptory blasts, and at seven thirty one +quick angry call,--just one,--and very soon after that they cast off +the last of the ropes and the Mariposa Belle sailed off in her cloud of +flags, and the band of the Knights of Pythias, timing it to a nicety, +broke into the "Maple Leaf for Ever!" + +I suppose that all excursions when they start are much the same. Anyway, +on the Mariposa Belle everybody went running up and down all over the +boat with deck chairs and camp stools and baskets, and found places, +splendid places to sit, and then got scared that there might be better +ones and chased off again. People hunted for places out of the sun and +when they got them swore that they weren't going to freeze to please +anybody; and the people in the sun said that they hadn't paid fifty +cents to be roasted. Others said that they hadn't paid fifty cents to +get covered with cinders, and there were still others who hadn't paid +fifty cents to get shaken to death with the propeller. + +Still, it was all right presently. The people seemed to get sorted out +into the places on the boat where they belonged. The women, the older +ones, all gravitated into the cabin on the lower deck and by getting +round the table with needlework, and with all the windows shut, they +soon had it, as they said themselves, just like being at home. + +All the young boys and the toughs and the men in the band got down on +the lower deck forward, where the boat was dirtiest and where the anchor +was and the coils of rope. + +And upstairs on the after deck there were Lilian Drone and Miss Lawson, +the high school teacher, with a book of German poetry,--Gothey I think +it was,--and the bank teller and the younger men. + +In the centre, standing beside the rail, were Dean Drone and Dr. +Gallagher, looking through binocular glasses at the shore. + +Up in front on the little deck forward of the pilot house was a group +of the older men, Mullins and Duff and Mr. Smith in a deck chair, and +beside him Mr. Golgotha Gingham, the undertaker of Mariposa, on a stool. +It was part of Mr. Gingham's principles to take in an outing of this +sort, a business matter, more or less,--for you never know what may +happen at these water parties. At any rate, he was there in a neat suit +of black, not, of course, his heavier or professional suit, but a soft +clinging effect as of burnt paper that combined gaiety and decorum to a +nicety. + + +"Yes," said Mr. Gingham, waving his black glove in a general way towards +the shore, "I know the lake well, very well. I've been pretty much all +over it in my time." + +"Canoeing?" asked somebody. + +"No," said Mr. Gingham, "not in a canoe." There seemed a peculiar and +quiet meaning in his tone. + +"Sailing, I suppose," said somebody else. + +"No," said Mr. Gingham. "I don't understand it." + +"I never knowed that you went on to the water at all, Gol," said Mr. +Smith, breaking in. + +"Ah, not now," explained Mr. Gingham; "it was years ago, the first +summer I came to Mariposa. I was on the water practically all day. +Nothing like it to give a man an appetite and keep him in shape." + +"Was you camping?" asked Mr. Smith. + +"We camped at night," assented the undertaker, "but we put in +practically the whole day on the water. You see we were after a party +that had come up here from the city on his vacation and gone out in a +sailing canoe. We were dragging. We were up every morning at sunrise, +lit a fire on the beach and cooked breakfast, and then we'd light our +pipes and be off with the net for a whole day. It's a great life," +concluded Mr. Gingham wistfully. + +"Did you get him?" asked two or three together. + +There was a pause before Mr. Gingham answered. + +"We did," he said,--"down in the reeds past Horseshoe Point. But it was +no use. He turned blue on me right away." + +After which Mr. Gingham fell into such a deep reverie that the boat had +steamed another half mile down the lake before anybody broke the silence +again. + +Talk of this sort,--and after all what more suitable for a day on the +water?--beguiled the way. + + +Down the lake, mile by mile over the calm water, steamed the Mariposa +Belle. They passed Poplar Point where the high sand-banks are with all +the swallows' nests in them, and Dean Drone and Dr. Gallagher looked at +them alternately through the binocular glasses, and it was wonderful how +plainly one could see the swallows and the banks and the shrubs,--just +as plainly as with the naked eye. + +And a little further down they passed the Shingle Beach, and Dr. +Gallagher, who knew Canadian history, said to Dean Drone that it +was strange to think that Champlain had landed there with his French +explorers three hundred years ago; and Dean Drone, who didn't know +Canadian history, said it was stranger still to think that the hand of +the Almighty had piled up the hills and rocks long before that; and +Dr. Gallagher said it was wonderful how the French had found their way +through such a pathless wilderness; and Dean Drone said that it was +wonderful also to think that the Almighty had placed even the smallest +shrub in its appointed place. Dr. Gallagher said it filled him with +admiration. Dean Drone said it filled him with awe. Dr. Gallagher said +he'd been full of it ever since he was a boy; and Dean Drone said so had +he. + +Then a little further, as the Mariposa Belle steamed on down the lake, +they passed the Old Indian Portage where the great grey rocks are; and +Dr. Gallagher drew Dean Drone's attention to the place where the narrow +canoe track wound up from the shore to the woods, and Dean Drone said he +could see it perfectly well without the glasses. + +Dr. Gallagher said that it was just here that a party of five hundred +French had made their way with all their baggage and accoutrements +across the rocks of the divide and down to the Great Bay. And Dean Drone +said that it reminded him of Xenophon leading his ten thousand Greeks +over the hill passes of Armenia down to the sea. Dr. Gallagher said the +he had often wished he could have seen and spoken to Champlain, and Dean +Drone said how much he regretted to have never known Xenophon. + +And then after that they fell to talking of relics and traces of the +past, and Dr. Gallagher said that if Dean Drone would come round to his +house some night he would show him some Indian arrow heads that he had +dug up in his garden. And Dean Drone said that if Dr. Gallagher would +come round to the rectory any afternoon he would show him a map of +Xerxes' invasion of Greece. Only he must come some time between the +Infant Class and the Mothers' Auxiliary. + +So presently they both knew that they were blocked out of one another's +houses for some time to come, and Dr. Gallagher walked forward and told +Mr. Smith, who had never studied Greek, about Champlain crossing the +rock divide. + +Mr. Smith turned his head and looked at the divide for half a second and +then said he had crossed a worse one up north back of the Wahnipitae +and that the flies were Hades,--and then went on playing freezeout poker +with the two juniors in Duff's bank. + +So Dr. Gallagher realized that that's always the way when you try to +tell people things, and that as far as gratitude and appreciation goes +one might as well never read books or travel anywhere or do anything. + +In fact, it was at this very moment that he made up his mind to give the +arrows to the Mariposa Mechanics' Institute,--they afterwards became, as +you know, the Gallagher Collection. But, for the time being, the doctor +was sick of them and wandered off round the boat and watched Henry +Mullins showing George Duff how to make a John Collins without lemons, +and finally went and sat down among the Mariposa band and wished that he +hadn't come. + +So the boat steamed on and the sun rose higher and higher, and the +freshness of the morning changed into the full glare of noon, and they +went on to where the lake began to narrow in at its foot, just where +the Indian's Island is, all grass and trees and with a log wharf running +into the water: Below it the Lower Ossawippi runs out of the lake, and +quite near are the rapids, and you can see down among the trees the red +brick of the power house and hear the roar of the leaping water. + +The Indian's Island itself is all covered with trees and tangled vines, +and the water about it is so still that it's all reflected double and +looks the same either way up. Then when the steamer's whistle blows as +it comes into the wharf, you hear it echo among the trees of the island, +and reverberate back from the shores of the lake. + +The scene is all so quiet and still and unbroken, that Miss +Cleghorn,--the sallow girl in the telephone exchange, that I spoke +of--said she'd like to be buried there. But all the people were so busy +getting their baskets and gathering up their things that no one had time +to attend to it. + +I mustn't even try to describe the landing and the boat crunching +against the wooden wharf and all the people running to the same side of +the deck and Christie Johnson calling out to the crowd to keep to the +starboard and nobody being able to find it. Everyone who has been on a +Mariposa excursion knows all about that. + +Nor can I describe the day itself and the picnic under the trees. 'There +were speeches afterwards, and Judge Pepperleigh gave such offence +by bringing in Conservative politics that a man called Patriotus +Canadiensis wrote and asked for some of the invaluable space of the +Mariposa Times-Herald and exposed it. + +I should say that there were races too, on the grass on the open side +of the island, graded mostly according to ages, races for boys under +thirteen and girls over nineteen and all that sort of thing. Sports +are generally conducted on that plan in Mariposa. It is realized that a +woman of sixty has an unfair advantage over a mere child. + +Dean Drone managed the races and decided the ages and gave out the +prizes; the Wesleyan minister helped, and he and the young student, who +was relieving in the Presbyterian Church, held the string at the winning +point. + +They had to get mostly clergymen for the races because all the men had +wandered off, somehow, to where they were drinking lager beer out of two +kegs stuck on pine logs among the trees. + +But if you've ever been on a Mariposa excursion you know all about these +details anyway. + +So the day wore on and presently the sun came through the trees on a +slant and the steamer whistle blew with a great puff of white steam and +all the people came straggling down to the wharf and pretty soon the +Mariposa Belle had floated out on to the lake again and headed for the +town, twenty miles away. + + +I suppose you have often noticed the contrast there is between an +excursion on its way out in the morning and what it looks like on the +way home. + +In the morning everybody is so restless and animated and moves to +and fro all over the boat and asks questions. But coming home, as the +afternoon gets later and the sun sinks beyond the hills, all the people +seem to get so still and quiet and drowsy. + +So it was with the people on the Mariposa Belle. They sat there on the +benches and the deck chairs in little clusters, and listened to the +regular beat of the propeller and almost dozed off asleep as they sat. +Then when the sun set and the dusk drew on, it grew almost dark on the +deck and so still that you could hardly tell there was anyone on board. + +And if you had looked at the steamer from the shore or from one of +the islands, you'd have seen the row of lights from the cabin windows +shining on the water and the red glare of the burning hemlock from the +funnel, and you'd have heard the soft thud of the propeller miles away +over the lake. + +Now and then, too, you could have heard them singing on the +steamer,--the voices of the girls and the men blended into unison +by the distance, rising and falling in long-drawn melody: +"O--Can-a-da--O--Can-a-da." + +You may talk as you will about the intoning choirs of your European +cathedrals, but the sound of "O--Can-a-da," borne across the waters of a +silent lake at evening is good enough for those of us who know Mariposa. + +I think that it was just as they were singing like this: "O--Can-a-da," +that word went round that the boat was sinking. + +If you have ever been in any sudden emergency on the water, you will +understand the strange psychology of it,--the way in which what is +happening seems to become known all in a moment without a word being +said. The news is transmitted from one to the other by some mysterious +process. + +At any rate, on the Mariposa Belle first one and then the other heard +that the steamer was sinking. As far as I could ever learn the first +of it was that George Duff, the bank manager, came very quietly to Dr. +Gallagher and asked him if he thought that the boat was sinking. The +doctor said no, that he had thought so earlier in the day but that he +didn't now think that she was. + +After that Duff, according to his own account, had said to Macartney, +the lawyer, that the boat was sinking, and Macartney said that he +doubted it very much. + +Then somebody came to Judge Pepperleigh and woke him up and said that +there was six inches of water in the steamer and that she was sinking. +And Pepperleigh said it was perfect scandal and passed the news on to +his wife and she said that they had no business to allow it and that if +the steamer sank that was the last excursion she'd go on. + +So the news went all round the boat and everywhere the people gathered +in groups and talked about it in the angry and excited way that people +have when a steamer is sinking on one of the lakes like Lake Wissanotti. + +Dean Drone, of course, and some others were quieter about it, and said +that one must make allowances and that naturally there were two sides to +everything. But most of them wouldn't listen to reason at all. I think, +perhaps, that some of them were frightened. You see the last time but +one that the steamer had sunk, there had been a man drowned and it made +them nervous. + +What? Hadn't I explained about the depth of Lake Wissanotti? I had +taken it for granted that you knew; and in any case parts of it are deep +enough, though I don't suppose in this stretch of it from the big reed +beds up to within a mile of the town wharf, you could find six feet of +water in it if you tried. Oh, pshaw! I was not talking about a steamer +sinking in the ocean and carrying down its screaming crowds of people +into the hideous depths of green water. Oh, dear me no! That kind of +thing never happens on Lake Wissanotti. + +But what does happen is that the Mariposa Belle sinks every now and +then, and sticks there on the bottom till they get things straightened +up. + +On the lakes round Mariposa, if a person arrives late anywhere and +explains that the steamer sank, everybody understands the situation. + +You see when Harland and Wolff built the Mariposa Belle, they left some +cracks in between the timbers that you fill up with cotton waste every +Sunday. If this is not attended to, the boat sinks. In fact, it is part +of the law of the province that all the steamers like the Mariposa Belle +must be properly corked,--I think that is the word,--every season. There +are inspectors who visit all the hotels in the province to see that it +is done. + +So you can imagine now that I've explained it a little straighter, the +indignation of the people when they knew that the boat had come uncorked +and that they might be stuck out there on a shoal or a mud-bank half the +night. + +I don't say either that there wasn't any danger; anyway, it doesn't feel +very safe when you realize that the boat is settling down with every +hundred yards that she goes, and you look over the side and see only the +black water in the gathering night. + +Safe! I'm not sure now that I come to think of it that it isn't worse +than sinking in the Atlantic. After all, in the Atlantic there is +wireless telegraphy, and a lot of trained sailors and stewards. But out +on Lake Wissanotti,--far out, so that you can only just see the lights +of the town away off to the south,--when the propeller comes to a +stop,--and you can hear the hiss of steam as they start to rake out the +engine fires to prevent an explosion,--and when you turn from the red +glare that comes from the furnace doors as they open them, to the +black dark that is gathering over the lake,--and there's a night wind +beginning to run among the rushes,--and you see the men going forward +to the roof of the pilot house to send up the rockets to rouse the town, +safe? Safe yourself, if you like; as for me, let me once get back into +Mariposa again, under the night shadow of the maple trees, and this +shall be the last, last time I'll go on Lake Wissanotti. + +Safe! Oh yes! Isn't it strange how safe other people's adventures seem +after they happen? But you'd have been scared, too, if you'd been there +just before the steamer sank, and seen them bringing up all the women on +to the top deck. + +I don't see how some of the people took it so calmly; how Mr. Smith, for +instance, could have gone on smoking and telling how he'd had a steamer +"sink on him" on Lake Nipissing and a still bigger one, a side-wheeler, +sink on him in Lake Abbitibbi. + +Then, quite suddenly, with a quiver, down she went. You could feel the +boat sink, sink,--down, down,--would it never get to the bottom? The +water came flush up to the lower deck, and then,--thank heaven,--the +sinking stopped and there was the Mariposa Belle safe and tight on a +reed bank. + +Really, it made one positively laugh! It seemed so queer and, anyway, +if a man has a sort of natural courage, danger makes him laugh. Danger! +pshaw! fiddlesticks! everybody scouted the idea. Why, it is just the +little things like this that give zest to a day on the water. + +Within half a minute they were all running round looking for sandwiches +and cracking jokes and talking of making coffee over the remains of the +engine fires. + + +I don't need to tell at length how it all happened after that. + +I suppose the people on the Mariposa Belle would have had to settle down +there all night or till help came from the town, but some of the men +who had gone forward and were peering out into the dark said that it +couldn't be more than a mile across the water to Miller's Point. You +could almost see it over there to the left,--some of them, I think, said +"off on the port bow," because you know when you get mixed up in these +marine disasters, you soon catch the atmosphere of the thing. + +So pretty soon they had the davits swung out over the side and were +lowering the old lifeboat from the top deck into the water. + +There were men leaning out over the rail of the Mariposa Belle with +lanterns that threw the light as they let her down, and the glare fell +on the water and the reeds. But when they got the boat lowered, it +looked such a frail, clumsy thing as one saw it from the rail above, +that the cry was raised: "Women and children first!" For what was the +sense, if it should turn out that the boat wouldn't even hold women and +children, of trying to jam a lot of heavy men into it? + +So they put in mostly women and children and the boat pushed out into +the darkness so freighted down it would hardly float. + +In the bow of it was the Presbyterian student who was relieving the +minister, and he called out that they were in the hands of Providence. +But he was crouched and ready to spring out of them at the first moment. + +So the boat went and was lost in the darkness except for the lantern in +the bow that you could see bobbing on the water. Then presently it came +back and they sent another load, till pretty soon the decks began to +thin out and everybody got impatient to be gone. + +It was about the time that the third boat-load put off that Mr. Smith +took a bet with Mullins for twenty-five dollars, that he'd be home in +Mariposa before the people in the boats had walked round the shore. + +No one knew just what he meant, but pretty soon they saw Mr. Smith +disappear down below into the lowest part of the steamer with a mallet +in one hand and a big bundle of marline in the other. + +They might have wondered more about it, but it was just at this time +that they heard the shouts from the rescue boat--the big Mackinaw +lifeboat--that had put out from the town with fourteen men at the sweeps +when they saw the first rockets go up. + +I suppose there is always something inspiring about a rescue at sea, or +on the water. + +After all, the bravery of the lifeboat man is the true +bravery,--expended to save life, not to destroy it. + +Certainly they told for months after of how the rescue boat came out to +the Mariposa Belle. + +I suppose that when they put her in the water the lifeboat touched it +for the first time since the old Macdonald Government placed her on Lake +Wissanotti. + +Anyway, the water poured in at every seam. But not for a moment,--even +with two miles of water between them and the steamer,--did the rowers +pause for that. + +By the time they were half-way there the water was almost up to the +thwarts, but they drove her on. Panting and exhausted (for mind you, if +you haven't been in a fool boat like that for years, rowing takes it out +of you), the rowers stuck to their task. They threw the ballast over +and chucked into the water the heavy cork jackets and lifebelts that +encumbered their movements. There was no thought of turning back. They +were nearer to the steamer than the shore. + +"Hang to it, boys," called the crowd from the steamer's deck, and hang +they did. + +They were almost exhausted when they got them; men leaning from the +steamer threw them ropes and one by one every man was hauled aboard just +as the lifeboat sank under their feet. + +Saved! by Heaven, saved, by one of the smartest pieces of rescue work +ever seen on the lake. + +There's no use describing it; you need to see rescue work of this kind +by lifeboats to understand it. + +Nor were the lifeboat crew the only ones that distinguished themselves. + +Boat after boat and canoe after canoe had put out from Mariposa to the +help of the steamer. They got them all. + +Pupkin, the other bank teller, with a face like a horse, who hadn't gone +on the excursion,--as soon as he knew that the boat was signalling for +help and that Miss Lawson was sending up rockets,--rushed for a row +boat, grabbed an oar (two would have hampered him), and paddled madly +out into the lake. He struck right out into the dark with the crazy +skiff almost sinking beneath his feet. But they got him. They rescued +him. They watched him, almost dead with exhaustion, make his way to the +steamer, where he was hauled up with ropes. Saved! Saved!! + + +They might have gone on that way half the night, picking up the +rescuers, only, at the very moment when the tenth load of people left +for the shore,--just as suddenly and saucily as you please, up came the +Mariposa Belle from the mud bottom and floated. + +FLOATED? + +Why, of course she did. If you take a hundred and fifty people off a +steamer that has sunk, and if you get a man as shrewd as Mr. Smith +to plug the timber seams with mallet and marline, and if you turn ten +bandsmen of the Mariposa band on to your hand pump on the bow of the +lower decks--float? why, what else can she do? + +Then, if you stuff in hemlock into the embers of the fire that you were +raking out, till it hums and crackles under the boiler, it won't be +long before you hear the propeller thud thudding at the stern again, and +before the long roar of the steam whistle echoes over to the town. + +And so the Mariposa Belle, with all steam up again and with the long +train of sparks careering from the funnel, is heading for the town. + +But no Christie Johnson at the wheel in the pilot house this time. + +"Smith! Get Smith!" is the cry. + +Can he take her in? Well, now! Ask a man who has had steamers sink on +him in half the lakes from Temiscaming to the Bay, if he can take her +in? Ask a man who has run a York boat down the rapids of the Moose when +the ice is moving, if he can grip the steering wheel of the Mariposa +Belle? So there she steams safe and sound to the town wharf! + +Look at the lights and the crowd! If only the federal census taker could +count us now! Hear them calling and shouting back and forward from the +deck to the shore! Listen! There is the rattle of the shore ropes as +they get them ready, and there's the Mariposa band,--actually forming +in a circle on the upper deck just as she docks, and the leader with his +baton,--one--two--ready now,-- + +"O CAN-A-DA!" + + + + +FOUR. The Ministrations of the Rev. Mr. Drone + +The Church of England in Mariposa is on a side street, where the maple +trees are thickest, a little up the hill from the heart of the town. The +trees above the church and the grass plot that was once the cemetery, +till they made the new one (the Necropolis, over the brow of the hill), +fill out the whole corner. Down behind the church, with only the driving +shed and a lane between, is the rectory. It is a little brick house with +odd angles. There is a hedge and a little gate, and a weeping ash tree +with red berries. + +At the side of the rectory, churchward, is a little grass lawn with low +hedges and at the side of that two wild plum trees, that are practically +always in white blossom. Underneath them is a rustic table and chairs, +and it is here that you may see Rural Dean Drone, the incumbent of the +Church of England Church, sitting, in the chequered light of the plum +tress that is neither sun nor shadow. Generally you will find him +reading, and when I tell you that at the end of the grass plot where the +hedge is highest there is a yellow bee hive with seven bees that belong +to Dean Drone, you will realize that it is only fitting that the Dean is +reading in the Greek. For what better could a man be reading beneath the +blossom of the plum trees, within the very sound of the bees, than the +Pastorals of Theocritus? The light trash of modern romance might put +a man to sleep in such a spot, but with such food for reflection as +Theocritus, a man may safely close his eyes and muse on what he reads +without fear of dropping into slumber. + +Some men, I suppose, terminate their education when they leave their +college. Not so Dean Drone. I have often heard him say that if he +couldn't take a book in the Greek out on the lawn in a spare half hour, +he would feel lost. It's a certain activity of the brain that must be +stilled somehow. The Dean, too, seemed to have a native feeling for the +Greek language. I have often heard people who might sit with him on +the lawn, ask him to translate some of it. But he always refused. One +couldn't translate it, he said. It lost so much in the translation that +it was better not to try. It was far wiser not to attempt it. If you +undertook to translate it, there was something gone, something missing +immediately. I believe that many classical scholars feel this way, and +like to read the Greek just as it is, without the hazard of trying to +put it into so poor a medium as English. So that when Dean Drone +said that he simply couldn't translate it, I believe he was perfectly +sincere. + +Sometimes, indeed, he would read it aloud. That was another matter. +Whenever, for example, Dr. Gallagher--I mean, of course, old Dr. +Gallagher, not the young doctor (who was always out in the country in +the afternoon)--would come over and bring his latest Indian relics to +show to the Dean, the latter always read to him a passage or two. As +soon as the doctor laid his tomahawk on the table, the Dean would +reach for his Theocritus. I remember that on the day when Dr. Gallagher +brought over the Indian skull that they had dug out of the railway +embankment, and placed it on the rustic table, the Dean read to him so +long from Theocritus that the doctor, I truly believe, dozed off in his +chair. The Dean had to wait and fold his hands with the book across his +knee, and close his eyes till the doctor should wake up again. And the +skull was on the table between them, and from above the plum blossoms +fluttered down, till they made flakes on it as white as Dr. Gallagher's +hair. + +I don't want you to suppose that the Rev. Mr. Drone spent the whole of +his time under the trees. Not at all. In point of fact, the rector's +life was one round of activity which lie himself might deplore but was +powerless to prevent. He had hardly sat down beneath the trees of an +afternoon after his mid-day meal when there was the Infant Class at +three, and after that, with scarcely an hour between, the Mothers' +Auxiliary at five, and the next morning the Book Club, and that evening +the Bible Study Class, and the next morning the Early Workers' Guild at +eleven-thirty. The whole week was like that, and if one found time to +sit down for an hour or so to recuperate it was the most one could do. +After all, if a busy man spends the little bit of leisure that he gets +in advanced classical study, there is surely no harm in it. I suppose, +take it all in all, there wasn't a busier man than the Rural Dean among +the Anglican clergy of the diocese. + +If the Dean ever did snatch a half-day from his incessant work, he spent +it in fishing. But not always that, for as likely as not, instead of +taking a real holiday he would put in the whole afternoon amusing +the children and the boys that he knew, by making kites and toys and +clockwork steamboats for them. + +It was fortunate for the Dean that he had the strange interest and +aptitude for mechanical advices which he possessed, or otherwise this +kind of thing would have been too cruel an imposition. But the Rev. +Mr. Drone had a curious liking for machinery. I think I never heard him +preach a better sermon than the one on Aeroplanes (Lo, what now see you +on high Jeremiah Two). + +So it was that he spent two whole days making a kite with Chinese wings +for Teddy Moore, the photographer's son, and closed down the infant +class for forty-eight hours so that Teddy Moore should not miss the +pleasure of flying it, or rather seeing it flown. It is foolish to trust +a Chinese kite to the hands of a young child. + +In the same way the Dean made a mechanical top for little Marjorie +Trewlaney, the cripple, to see spun: it would have been unwise to allow +the afflicted girl to spin it. There was no end to the things that Mr. +Drone could make, and always for the children. Even when he was making +the sand-clock for poor little Willie Yodel (who died, you know) the +Dean went right on with it and gave it to another child with just the +same pleasure. Death, you know, to the clergy is a different thing from +what it is to us. The Dean and Mr. Gingham used often to speak of it as +they walked through the long grass of the new cemetery, the Necropolis. +And when your Sunday walk is to your wife's grave, as the Dean's was, +perhaps it seems different to anybody. + +The Church of England Church, I said; stood close to the rectory, a +tall, sweeping church, and inside a great reach of polished cedar beams +that ran to the point of the roof. There used to stand on the same spot +the little stone church that all the grown-up people in Mariposa still +remember, a quaint little building in red and grey stone. About it was +the old cemetery, but that was all smoothed out later into the grass +plot round the new church, and the headstones laid out flat, and no new +graves have been put there for ever so long. But the Mariposa children +still walk round and read the headstones lying flat in the grass and +look for the old ones,--because some of them are ever so old--forty or +fifty years back. + +Nor are you to think from all this that the Dean was not a man with +serious perplexities. You could easily convince yourself of the +contrary. For if you watched the Rev. Mr. Drone as he sat reading in the +Greek, you would notice that no very long period every passed without +his taking up a sheet or two of paper that lay between the leaves of the +Theocritus and that were covered close with figures. + +And these the Dean would lay upon the rustic table, and he would add +them up forwards and backwards, going first up the column and then down +it to see that nothing had been left out, and then down it again to see +what it was that must have been left out. + +Mathematics, you will understand, were not the Dean's forte. They never +were the forte of the men who had been trained at the little Anglican +college with the clipped hedges and the cricket ground, where Rupert +Drone had taken the gold medal in Greek fifty-two years ago. You will +see the medal at any time lying there in its open box on the rectory +table, in case of immediate need. Any of the Drone girls, Lilian, or +Jocelyn, or Theodora, would show it to you. But, as I say, mathematics +were not the rector's forte, and he blamed for it (in a Christian +spirit, you will understand) the memory of his mathematical professor, +and often he spoke with great bitterness. I have often heard him say +that in his opinion the colleges ought to dismiss, of course in +a Christian spirit, all the professors who are not, in the most +reverential sense of the term, fit for their jobs. + +No doubt many of the clergy of the diocese had suffered more or less +just as the Dean had from lack of mathematical training. But the Dean +always felt that his own case was especially to be lamented. For you +see, if a man is trying to make a model aeroplane--for a poor family in +the lower part of the town--and he is brought to a stop by the need of +reckoning the coefficient of torsion of cast-iron rods, it shows plainly +enough that the colleges are not truly filling their divine mission. + + +But the figures that I speak of were not those of the model aeroplane. +These were far more serious. Night and day they had been with the rector +now for the best part of ten years, and they grew, if anything, more +intricate. + +If, for example, you try to reckon the debt of a church--a large church +with a great sweep of polished cedar beams inside, for the special +glorification of the All Powerful, and with imported tiles on the roof +for the greater glory of Heaven and with stained-glass windows for the +exaltation of the All Seeing--if, I say, you try to reckon up the debt +on such a church and figure out its interest and its present worth, less +a fixed annual payment, it makes a pretty complicated sum. Then if you +try to add to this the annual cost of insurance, and deduct from it +three-quarters of a stipend, year by year, and then suddenly remember +that three-quarters is too much, because you have forgotten the +boarding-school fees of the littlest of the Drones (including French, as +an extra--she must have it, all the older girls did), you have got a sum +that pretty well defies ordinary arithmetic. The provoking part of it +was that the Dean knew perfectly well that with the help of logarithms +he could have done the thing in a moment. But at the Anglican college +they had stopped short at that very place in the book. They had simply +explained that Logos was a word and Arithmos a number, which at the +time, seemed amply sufficient. + +So the Dean was perpetually taking out his sheets of figures, and adding +them upwards and downwards, and they never came the same. Very often +Mr. Gingham, who was a warden, would come and sit beside the rector and +ponder over the figures, and Mr. Drone would explain that with a book of +logarithms you could work it out in a moment. You would simply open the +book and run your finger up the columns (he illustrated exactly the way +in which the finger was moved), and there you were. Mr. Gingham said +that it was a caution, and that logarithms (I quote his exact phrase) +must be a terror. + +Very often, too, Nivens, the lawyer, who was a sidesman, and Mullins, +the manager of the Exchange Bank, who was the chairman of the vestry, +would come and take a look, at the figures. But they never could make +much of them, because the stipend part was not a matter that one could +discuss. + +Mullins would notice the item for a hundred dollars due on fire +insurance and would say; as a business man, that surely that couldn't +be fire insurance, and the Dean would say surely not, and change it: +and Mullins would say surely there couldn't be fifty dollars for taxes, +because there weren't any taxes, and the Dean would admit that of course +it couldn't be for the taxes. In fact, the truth is that the Dean's +figures were badly mixed, and the fault lay indubitably with the +mathematical professor of two generations back. + +It was always Mullins's intention some day to look into the finances of +the church, the more so as his father had been with Dean Drone at the +little Anglican college with the cricket ground. But he was a busy man. +As he explained to the rector himself, the banking business nowadays +is getting to be such that a banker can hardly call even his Sunday +mornings his own. Certainly Henry Mullins could not. They belonged +largely to Smith's Hotel, and during the fishing season they belonged +away down the lake, so far away that practically no one, unless it was +George Duff of the Commercial Bank, could see them. + +But to think that all this trouble had come through the building of the +new church. + +That was the bitterness of it. + +For the twenty-five years that Rural Dean Drone had preached in the +little stone church, it had been his one aim, as he often put it in his +sermons, to rear a larger Ark in Gideon. His one hope had been to set up +a greater Evidence, or, very simply stated, to kindle a Brighter Beacon. + +After twenty-five years of waiting, he had been able at last to kindle +it. Everybody in Mariposa remembers the building of the church. First +of all they had demolished the little stone church to make way for the +newer Evidence. It seemed almost a sacrilege, as the Dean himself said, +to lay hands on it. Indeed it was at first proposed to take the stone of +it and build it into a Sunday School, as a lesser testimony. Then, +when that provided impracticable, it was suggested that the stone be +reverently fashioned into a wall that should stand as a token. And when +even that could not be managed, the stone of the little church was +laid reverently into a stone pile; afterwards it was devoutly sold to a +building contractor, and, like so much else in life, was forgotten. + +But the building of the church, no one, I think, will forget. The +Dean threw himself into the work. With his coat off and his white +shirt-sleeves conspicuous among the gang that were working at the +foundations, he set his hand to the shovel, himself guided the +road-scraper, urging on the horses; cheering and encouraging the men, +till they begged him to desist. He mingled with the stone-masons, +advising, helping, and giving counsel, till they pleaded with him +to rest. He was among the carpenters, sawing, hammering, enquiring, +suggesting, till they besought him to lay off. And he was night and day +with the architect's assistants, drawing, planning, revising, till the +architect told him to cut it out. + +So great was his activity, that I doubt whether the new church would +ever have been finished, had not the wardens and the vestry men insisted +that Mr. Drone must take a holiday, and sent him on the Mackinaw trip up +the lakes,--the only foreign travel of the Dean's life. + + +So in due time the New Church was built and it towered above the maple +trees of Mariposa like a beacon on a hill. It stood so high that from +the open steeple of it, where the bells were, you could see all the +town lying at its feet, and the farmsteads to the south of it, and the +railway like a double pencil line, and Lake Wissanotti spread out like +a map. You could see and appreciate things from the height of the new +church,--such as the size and the growing wealth of Mariposa,--that you +never could have seen from the little stone church at all. + +Presently the church was opened and the Dean preached his first sermon +in it, and he called it a Greater Testimony, and he said that it was an +earnest, or first fruit of endeavour, and that it was a token or pledge, +and he named it also a covenant. He said, too, that it was an anchorage +and a harbour and a lighthouse as well as being a city set upon a hill; +and he ended by declaring it an Ark of Refuge and notified them that +the Bible Class would meet in the basement of it on that and every other +third Wednesday. + +In the opening months of preaching about it the Dean had called the +church so often an earnest and a pledge and a guerdon and a tabernacle, +that I think he used to forget that it wasn't paid for. It was only when +the agent of the building society and a representative of the Hosanna +Pipe and Steam Organ Co. (Limited), used to call for quarterly payments +that he was suddenly reminded of the fact. Always after these men came +round the Dean used to preach a special sermon on sin, in the course +of which he would mention that the ancient Hebrews used to put unjust +traders to death,--a thing of which he spoke with Christian serenity. + +I don't think that at first anybody troubled much about the debt on the +church. Dean Drone's figures showed that it was only a matter of time +before it would be extinguished; only a little effort was needed, +a little girding up of the loins of the congregation and they could +shoulder the whole debt and trample it under their feet. Let them but +set their hands to the plough and they could soon guide it into the deep +water. Then they might furl their sails and sit every man under his own +olive tree. + +Meantime, while the congregation was waiting to gird up its loins, the +interest on the debt was paid somehow, or, when it wasn't paid, was +added to the principal. + +I don't know whether you have had any experience with Greater +Testimonies and with Beacons set on Hills. If you have, you will realize +how, at first gradually, and then rapidly, their position from year to +year grows more distressing. What with the building loan and the organ +instalment, and the fire insurance,--a cruel charge,--and the heat +and light, the rector began to realize as he added up the figures that +nothing but logarithms could solve them. Then the time came when not +only the rector, but all the wardens knew and the sidesmen knew that the +debt was more than the church could carry; then the choir knew and the +congregation knew and at last everybody knew; and there were special +collections at Easter and special days of giving, and special weeks of +tribulation, and special arrangements with the Hosanna Pipe and Steam +Organ Co. And it was noticed that when the Rural Dean announced a +service of Lenten Sorrow,--aimed more especially at the business +men,--the congregation had diminished by forty per cent. + +I suppose things are just the same elsewhere,--I mean the peculiar kind +of discontent that crept into the Church of England congregation in +Mariposa after the setting up of the Beacon. There were those who +claimed that they had seen the error from the first, though they had +kept quiet, as such people always do, from breadth of mind. There were +those who had felt years before how it would end, but their lips were +sealed from humility of spirit. What was worse was that there were +others who grew dissatisfied with the whole conduct of the church. + +Yodel, the auctioneer, for example, narrated how he had been to the city +and had gone into a service of the Roman Catholic church: I believe, to +state it more fairly, he had "dropped in,"--the only recognized means +of access to such a service. He claimed that the music that he had heard +there was music, and that (outside of his profession) the chanting and +intoning could not be touched. + +Ed Moore, the photographer, also related that he had listened to a +sermon in the city, and that if anyone would guarantee him a sermon like +that he would defy you to keep him away from church. Meanwhile, failing +the guarantee, he stayed away. + +The very doctrines were impeached. Some of the congregation began to +cast doubts on eternal punishment,--doubts so grave as to keep them +absent from the Lenten Services of Sorrow. Indeed, Lawyer Macartney took +up the whole question of the Athanasian Creed one afternoon with Joe +Milligan, the dentist, and hardly left a clause of it intact. + +All this time, you will understand, Dean Drone kept on with his special +services, and leaflets, calls, and appeals went out from the Ark of +Gideon like rockets from a sinking ship. More and more with every month +the debt of the church lay heavy on his mind. At times he forgot it. At +other times he woke up in the night and thought about it. Sometimes +as he went down the street from the lighted precincts of the Greater +Testimony and passed the Salvation Army, praying around a naphtha lamp +under the open sky, it smote him to the heart with a stab. + +But the congregation were wrong, I think, in imputing fault to the +sermons of Dean Drone. There I do think they were wrong. I can speak +from personal knowledge when I say that the rector's sermons were not +only stimulating in matters of faith, but contained valuable material +in regard to the Greek language, to modern machinery and to a variety +of things that should have proved of the highest advantage to the +congregation. + +There was, I say, the Greek language. The Dean always showed the +greatest delicacy of feeling in regard to any translation in or out of +it that he made from the pulpit. He was never willing to accept even the +faintest shade of rendering different from that commonly given without +being assured of the full concurrence of the congregation. Either the +translation must be unanimous and without contradiction, or he could not +pass it. He would pause in his sermon and would say: "The original Greek +is 'Hoson,' but perhaps you will allow me to translate it as equivalent +to 'Hoyon.'" And they did. So that if there was any fault to be found it +was purely on the side of the congregation for not entering a protest at +the time. + +It was the same way in regard to machinery. After all, what better +illustrates the supreme purpose of the All Wise than such a thing as +the dynamo or the reciprocating marine engine or the pictures in the +Scientific American? + +Then, too, if a man has had the opportunity to travel and has seen the +great lakes spread out by the hand of Providence from where one leaves +the new dock at the Sound to where one arrives safe and thankful with +one's dear fellow-passengers in the spirit at the concrete landing stage +at Mackinaw--is not this fit and proper material for the construction +of an analogy or illustration? Indeed, even apart from an analogy, is it +not mighty interesting to narrate, anyway? In any case, why should the +church-wardens have sent the rector on the Mackinaw trip, if they had +not expected him to make some little return for it? + +I lay some stress on this point because the criticisms directed +against the Mackinaw sermons always seemed so unfair. If the rector +had described his experiences in the crude language of the ordinary +newspaper, there might, I admit, have been something unfitting about it. +But he was always careful to express himself in a way that showed,--or, +listen, let me explain with an example. + +"It happened to be my lot some years ago," he would say, "to find myself +a voyager, just as one is a voyager on the sea of life, on the broad +expanse of water which has been spread out to the north-west of us by +the hand of Providence, at a height of five hundred and eighty-one feet +above the level of the sea,--I refer, I may say, to Lake Huron." Now, +how different that is from saying: "I'll never forget the time I went on +the Mackinaw trip." The whole thing has a different sound entirely. In +the same way the Dean would go on: + +"I was voyaging on one of those magnificent leviathans of the water,--I +refer to the boats of the Northern Navigation Company,--and was standing +beside the forward rail talking with a dear brother in the faith who was +journeying westward also--I may say he was a commercial traveller,--and +beside us was a dear sister in the spirit seated in a deck chair, while +near us were two other dear souls in grace engaged in Christian pastime +on the deck,--I allude more particularly to the game of deck billiards." + +I leave it to any reasonable man whether, with that complete and +fair-minded explanation of the environment, it was not perfectly proper +to close down the analogy, as the rector did, with the simple words: "In +fact, it was an extremely fine morning." + +Yet there were some people, even in Mariposa, that took exception +and spent their Sunday dinner time in making out that they couldn't +understand what Dean Drone was talking about, and asking one another +if they knew. Once, as he passed out from the doors of the Greater +Testimony, the rector heard some one say: "The Church would be all right +if that old mugwump was out of the pulpit." It went to his heart like a +barbed thorn, and stayed there. + +You know, perhaps, how a remark of that sort can stay and rankle, +and make you wish you could hear it again to make sure of it, because +perhaps you didn't hear it aright, and it was a mistake after all. +Perhaps no one said it, anyway. You ought to have written it down at the +time. I have seen the Dean take down the encyclopaedia in the rectory, +and move his finger slowly down the pages of the letter M, looking for +mugwump. But it wasn't there. I have known him, in his little study +upstairs, turn over the pages of the "Animals of Palestine," looking for +a mugwump. But there was none there. It must have been unknown in the +greater days of Judea. + + +So things went on from month to month, and from year to year, and the +debt and the charges loomed like a dark and gathering cloud on the +horizon. I don't mean to say that efforts were not made to face the +difficulty and to fight it. They were. Time after time the workers of +the congregation got together and thought out plans for the extinction +of the debt. But somehow, after every trial, the debt grew larger +with each year, and every system that could be devised turned out more +hopeless than the last. + +They began, I think, with the "endless chain" of letters of appeal. You +may remember the device, for it was all-popular in clerical circles some +ten or fifteen years ago. You got a number of people to write each of +them three letters asking for ten cents from three each of their friends +and asking each of them to send on three similar letters. Three each +from three each, and three each more from each! Do you observe the +wonderful ingenuity of it? Nobody, I think, has forgotten how the +Willing Workers of the Church of England Church of Mariposa sat down +in the vestry room in the basement with a pile of stationery three +feet high, sending out the letters. Some, I know, will never forget it. +Certainly not Mr. Pupkin, the teller in the Exchange Bank, for it was +here that he met Zena Pepperleigh, the judge's daughter, for the +first time; and they worked so busily that they wrote out ever so many +letters--eight or nine--in a single afternoon, and they discovered +that their handwritings were awfully alike, which was one of the most +extraordinary and amazing coincidences, you will admit, in the history +of chirography. + +But the scheme failed--failed utterly. I don't know why. The letters +went out and were copied broadcast and recopied, till you could see the +Mariposa endless chain winding its way towards the Rocky Mountains. +But they never got the ten cents. The Willing Workers wrote for it in +thousands, but by some odd chance they never struck the person who had +it. + +Then after that there came a regular winter of effort. First of all they +had a bazaar that was got up by the Girls' Auxiliary and held in the +basement of the church. All the girls wore special costumes that were +brought up from the city, and they had booths, where there was every +imaginable thing for sale--pincushion covers, and chair covers, and sofa +covers, everything that you can think of. If the people had once started +buying them, the debt would have been lifted in no time. Even as it was +the bazaar only lost twenty dollars. + +After that, I think, was the magic lantern lecture that Dean Drone gave +on "Italy and her Invaders." They got the lantern and the slides up from +the city, and it was simply splendid. Some of the slides were perhaps +a little confusing, but it was all there,--the pictures of the dense +Italian jungle and the crocodiles and the naked invaders with their +invading clubs. It was a pity that it was such a bad night, snowing +hard, and a curling match on, or they would have made a lot of money +out of the lecture. As it was the loss, apart from the breaking of the +lantern, which was unavoidable, was quite trifling. + + +I can hardly remember all the things that there were after that. I +recollect that it was always Mullins who arranged about renting the hall +and printing the tickets and all that sort of thing. His father, you +remember, had been at the Anglican college with Dean Drone, and though +the rector was thirty-seven years older than Mullins, he leaned upon +him, in matters of business, as upon a staff; and though Mullins was +thirty-seven years younger than the Dean, he leaned against him, in +matters of doctrine, as against a rock. + +At one time they got the idea that what the public wanted was not +anything instructive but something light and amusing. Mullins said +that people loved to laugh. He said that if you get a lot of people all +together and get them laughing you can do anything you like with them. +Once they start to laugh they are lost. So they got Mr. Dreery, the +English Literature teacher at the high school, to give an evening of +readings from the Great Humorists from Chaucer to Adam Smith. They came +mighty near to making a barrel of money out of that. If the people had +once started laughing it would have been all over with them. As it was I +heard a lot of them say that they simply wanted to scream with laughter: +they said they just felt like bursting into peals of laughter all +the time. Even when, in the more subtle parts, they didn't feel like +bursting out laughing, they said they had all they could do to keep from +smiling. They said they never had such a hard struggle in their lives +not to smile. + +In fact the chairman said when he put the vote of thanks that he was +sure if people had known what the lecture was to be like there would +have been a much better "turn-out." But you see all that the people +had to go on was just the announcement of the name of the lecturer, +Mr. Dreery, and that he would lecture on English Humour All Seats +Twenty-five Cents. As the chairman expressed it himself, if the people +had had any idea, any idea at all, of what the lecture would be like +they would have been there in hundreds. But how could they get an idea +that it would be so amusing with practically nothing to go upon? + + +After that attempt things seemed to go from bad to worse. Nearly +everybody was disheartened about it. What would have happened to the +debt, or whether they would have ever paid it off, is more than I +can say, if it hadn't occurred that light broke in on Mullins in the +strangest and most surprising way you can imagine. It happened that he +went away for his bank holidays, and while he was away he happened to +be present in one of the big cities and saw how they went at it there +to raise money. He came home in such a state of excitement that he went +straight up from the Mariposa station to the rectory, valise and all, +and he burst in one April evening to where the Rural Dean was sitting +with the three girls beside the lamp in the front room, and he cried +out: + +"Mr. Drone, I've got it,--I've got a way that will clear the debt before +you're a fortnight older. We'll have a Whirlwind Campaign in Mariposa!" + +But stay! The change from the depth of depression to the pinnacle of +hope is too abrupt. I must pause and tell you in another chapter of the +Whirlwind Campaign in Mariposa. + + + + +FIVE. The Whirlwind Campaign in Mariposa + +It was Mullins, the banker, who told Mariposa all about the plan of a +Whirlwind Campaign and explained how it was to be done. He'd happened to +be in one of the big cities when they were raising money by a Whirlwind +Campaign for one of the universities, and he saw it all. + +He said he would never forget the scene on the last day of it, when the +announcement was made that the total of the money raised was even more +than what was needed. It was a splendid sight,--the business men of the +town all cheering and laughing and shaking hands, and the professors +with the tears streaming down their faces, and the Deans of the +Faculties, who had given money themselves, sobbing aloud. + +He said it was the most moving thing he ever saw. + +So, as I said, Henry Mullins, who had seen it, explained to the others +how it was done. He said that first of all a few of the business men +got together quietly,--very quietly, indeed the more quietly the +better,--and talked things over. Perhaps one of them would dine,--just +quietly,--with another one and discuss the situation. Then these two +would invite a third man,--possibly even a fourth,--to have lunch with +them and talk in a general way,--even talk of other things part of the +time. And so on in this way things would be discussed and looked at +in different lights and viewed from different angles and then when +everything was ready they would go at things with a rush. A central +committee would be formed and sub-committees, with captains of each +group and recorders and secretaries, and on a stated day the Whirlwind +Campaign would begin. + +Each day the crowd would all agree to meet at some stated place and +each lunch together,--say at a restaurant or at a club or at some eating +place. This would go on every day with the interest getting keener and +keener, and everybody getting more and more excited, till presently the +chairman would announce that the campaign had succeeded and there would +be the kind of scene that Mullins had described. + +So that was the plan that they set in motion in Mariposa. + + +I don't wish to say too much about the Whirlwind Campaign itself. I +don't mean to say that it was a failure. On the contrary, in many ways +it couldn't have been a greater success, and yet somehow it didn't seem +to work out just as Henry Mullins had said it would. It may be that +there are differences between Mariposa and the larger cities that one +doesn't appreciate at first sight. Perhaps it would have been better to +try some other plan. + +Yet they followed along the usual line of things closely enough. They +began with the regular system of some of the business men getting +together in a quiet way. + +First of all, for example, Henry Mullins came over quietly to Duff's +rooms, over the Commercial Bank, with a bottle of rye whiskey, and +they talked things over. And the night after that George Duff came over +quietly to Mullins's rooms, over the Exchange Bank, with a bottle +of Scotch whiskey. A few evenings after that Mullins and Duff went +together, in a very unostentatious way, with perhaps a couple of bottles +of rye, to Pete Glover's room over the hardware store. And then all +three of them went up one night with Ed Moore, the photographer, to +Judge Pepperleigh's house under pretence of having a game of poker. The +very day after that, Mullins and Duff and Ed Moore, and Pete Glover and +the judge got Will Harrison, the harness maker, to go out without any +formality on the lake on the pretext of fishing. And the next night +after that Duff and Mullins and Ed Moore and Pete Glover and Pepperleigh +and Will Harrison got Alf Trelawney, the postmaster, to come over, just +in a casual way, to the Mariposa House, after the night mail, and the +next day Mullins and Duff and-- + +But, pshaw! you see at once how the thing is worked. There's no need to +follow that part of the Whirlwind Campaign further. But it just shows +the power of organization. + +And all this time, mind you, they were talking things over, and looking +at things first in one light and then in another light,--in fact, just +doing as the big city men do when there's an important thing like this +under way. + +So after things had been got pretty well into shape in this way, Duff +asked Mullins one night, straight out, if he would be chairman of +the Central Committee. He sprung it on him and Mullins had no time to +refuse, but he put it to Duff straight whether he would be treasurer. +And Duff had no time to refuse. + + +That gave things a start, and within a week they had the whole +organization on foot. There was the Grand Central Committee and six +groups or sub-committees of twenty men each, and a captain for +every group. They had it all arranged on the lines most likely to be +effective. + +In one group there were all the bankers, Mullins and Duff and Pupkin +(with the cameo pin), and about four others. They had their photographs +taken at Ed Moore's studio, taken in a line with a background of +icebergs--a winter scene--and a pretty penetrating crowd they looked, I +can tell you. After all, you know, if you get a crowd of representative +bank men together in any financial deal, you've got a pretty +considerable leverage right away. + +In the second group were the lawyers, Nivens and Macartney and the +rest--about as level-headed a lot as you'd see anywhere. Get the lawyers +of a town with you on a thing like this and you'll find you've got a +sort of brain power with you that you'd never get without them. + +Then there were the business men--there was a solid crowd for +you,--Harrison, the harness maker, and Glover, the hardware man, and +all that gang, not talkers, perhaps, but solid men who can tell you to +a nicety how many cents there are in a dollar. It's all right to talk +about education and that sort of thing, but if you want driving power +and efficiency, get business men. They're seeing it every day in the +city, and it's just the same in Mariposa. Why, in the big concerns +in the city, if they found out a man was educated, they wouldn't have +him,--wouldn't keep him there a minute. That's why the business men have +to conceal it so much. + +Then in the other teams there were the doctors and the newspaper men and +the professional men like Judge Pepperleigh and Yodel the auctioneer. + + +It was all organized so that every team had its headquarters, two of +them in each of the three hotels--one upstairs and one down. And it +was arranged that there would be a big lunch every day, to be held in +Smith's caff, round the corner of Smith's Northern Health Resort and +Home of the Wissanotti Angler,--you know the place. The lunch was +divided up into tables, with a captain for each table to see about +things to drink, and of course all the tables were in competition with +one another. In fact the competition was the very life of the whole +thing. + +It's just wonderful how these things run when they're organized. Take +the first luncheon, for example. There they all were, every man in his +place, every captain at his post at the top of the table. It was hard, +perhaps, for some of them to get there. They had very likely to be in +their stores and banks and offices till the last minute and then make a +dash for it. It was the cleanest piece of team work you ever saw. + +You have noticed already, I am sure, that a good many of the captains +and committee men didn't belong to the Church of England Church. Glover, +for instance, was a Presbyterian, till they ran the picket fence of +the manse two feet on to his property, and after that he became a +free-thinker. But in Mariposa, as I have said, everybody likes to be in +everything and naturally a Whirlwind Campaign was a novelty. Anyway it +would have been a poor business to keep a man out of the lunches merely +on account of his religion. I trust that the day for that kind of +religious bigotry is past. + +Of course the excitement was when Henry Mullins at the head of the table +began reading out the telegrams and letters and messages. First of all +there was a telegram of good wishes from the Anglican Lord Bishop of +the Diocese to Henry Mullins and calling him Dear Brother in Grace the +Mariposa telegraph office is a little unreliable and it read: "Dear +Brother in grease," but that was good enough. The Bishop said that his +most earnest wishes were with them. + +Then Mullins read a letter from the Mayor of Mariposa Pete Glover was +mayor that year--stating that his keenest desires were with them: and +then one from the Carriage Company saying that its heartiest good will +was all theirs; and then one from the Meat Works saying that its nearest +thoughts were next to them. Then he read one from himself, as head of +the Exchange Bank, you understand, informing him that he had heard +of his project and assuring him of his liveliest interest in what he +proposed. + +At each of these telegrams and messages there was round after round of +applause, so that you could hardly hear yourself speak or give an order. +But that was nothing to when Mullins got up again, and beat on the +table for silence and made one of those crackling speeches--just the way +business men speak--the kind of speech that a college man simply can't +make. I wish I could repeat it all. I remember that it began: "Now boys, +you know what we're here for, gentlemen," and it went on just as good as +that all through. When Mullins had done he took out a fountain pen +and wrote out a cheque for a hundred dollars, conditional on the fund +reaching fifty thousand. And there was a burst of cheers all over the +room. + +Just the moment he had done it, up sprang George Duff,--you know the +keen competition there is, as a straight matter of business, between the +banks in Mariposa,--up sprang George Duff, I say, and wrote out a cheque +for another hundred conditional on the fund reaching seventy thousand. +You never heard such cheering in your life. + +And then when Netley walked up to the head of the table and laid down +a cheque for a hundred dollars conditional on the fund reaching one +hundred thousand the room was in an uproar. A hundred thousand dollars! +Just think of it! The figures fairly stagger one. To think of a hundred +thousand dollars raised in five minutes in a little place like Mariposa! + +And even that was nothing! In less than no time there was such a crowd +round Mullins trying to borrow his pen all at once that his waistcoat +was all stained with ink. Finally when they got order at last, and +Mullins stood up and announced that the conditional fund had reached a +quarter of a million, the whole place was a perfect babel of cheering. +Oh, these Whirlwind Campaigns are wonderful things! + + +I can tell you the Committee felt pretty proud that first day. There was +Henry Mullins looking a little bit flushed and excited, with his white +waistcoat and an American Beauty rose, and with ink marks all over him +from the cheque signing; and he kept telling them that he'd known all +along that all that was needed was to get the thing started and telling +again about what he'd seen at the University Campaign and about the +professors crying, and wondering if the high school teachers would come +down for the last day of the meetings. + +Looking back on the Mariposa Whirlwind, I can never feel that it was +a failure. After all, there is a sympathy and a brotherhood in +these things when men work shoulder to shoulder. If you had seen the +canvassers of the Committee going round the town that evening shoulder +to shoulder from the Mariposa House to the Continental and up to +Mullins's rooms and over to Duffs, shoulder to shoulder, you'd have +understood it. + +I don't say that every lunch was quite such a success as the first. It's +not always easy to get out of the store if you're a busy man, and a good +many of the Whirlwind Committee found that they had just time to hurry +down and snatch their lunch and get back again. Still, they came, and +snatched it. As long as the lunches lasted, they came. Even if they had +simply to rush it and grab something to eat and drink without time to +talk to anybody, they came. + +No, no, it was not lack of enthusiasm that killed the Whirlwind Campaign +in Mariposa. It must have been something else. I don't just know what +it was but I think it had something to do with the financial, the +book-keeping side of the thing. + +It may have been, too, that the organization was not quite correctly +planned. You see, if practically everybody is on the committees, it is +awfully hard to try to find men to canvass, and it is not allowable for +the captains and the committee men to canvass one another, because their +gifts are spontaneous. So the only thing that the different groups +could do was to wait round in some likely place--say the bar parlour +of Smith's Hotel--in the hope that somebody might come in who could be +canvassed. + +You might ask why they didn't canvass Mr. Smith himself, but of course +they had done that at the very start, as I should have said. Mr. Smith +had given them two hundred dollars in cash conditional on the lunches +being held in the caff of his hotel; and it's awfully hard to get a +proper lunch I mean the kind to which a Bishop can express regret at not +being there--under a dollar twenty-five. So Mr. Smith got back his own +money, and the crowd began eating into the benefactions, and it got +more and more complicated whether to hold another lunch in the hope of +breaking even, or to stop the campaign. + +It was disappointing, yes. In spite of all the success and the sympathy, +it was disappointing. I don't say it didn't do good. No doubt a lot of +the men got to know one another better than ever they had before. I have +myself heard Judge Pepperleigh say that after the campaign he knew +all of Pete Glover that he wanted to. There was a lot of that kind of +complete satiety. The real trouble about the Whirlwind Campaign was that +they never clearly understood which of them were the whirlwind and who +were to be the campaign. + +Some of them, I believe, took it pretty much to heart. I know that Henry +Mullins did. You could see it. The first day he came down to the lunch, +all dressed up with the American Beauty and the white waistcoat. The +second day he only wore a pink carnation and a grey waistcoat. The third +day he had on a dead daffodil and a cardigan undervest, and on the last +day, when the high school teachers should have been there, he only wore +his office suit and he hadn't even shaved. He looked beaten. + +It was that night that he went up to the rectory to tell the news to +Dean Drone. It had been arranged, you know, that the rector should not +attend the lunches, so as to let the whole thing come as a surprise; +so that all he knew about it was just scraps of information about the +crowds at the lunch and how they cheered and all that. Once, I believe, +he caught sight of the Newspacket with a two-inch headline: A QUARTER +OF A MILLION, but he wouldn't let himself read further because it would +have spoilt the surprise. + +I saw Mullins, as I say, go up the street on his way to Dean Drone's. +It was middle April and there was ragged snow on the streets, and the +nights were dark still, and cold. I saw Mullins grit his teeth as he +walked, and I know that he held in his coat pocket his own cheque for +the hundred, with the condition taken off it, and he said that there +were so many skunks in Mariposa that a man might as well be in the Head +Office in the city. + +The Dean came out to the little gate in the dark,--you could see the +lamplight behind him from the open door of the rectory,--and he shook +hands with Mullins and they went in together. + + + + +SIX. The Beacon on the Hill + +Mullins said afterward that it was ever so much easier than he thought +it would have been. The Dean, he said, was so quiet. Of course if Mr. +Drone had started to swear at Mullins, or tried to strike him, it would +have been much harder. But as it was he was so quiet that part of the +time he hardly seemed to follow what Mullins was saying. So Mullins +was glad of that, because it proved that the Dean wasn't feeling +disappointed as, in a way, he might have. + +Indeed, the only time when the rector seemed animated and excited in the +whole interview was when Mullins said that the campaign had been ruined +by a lot of confounded mugwumps. Straight away the Dean asked if those +mugwumps had really prejudiced the outcome of the campaign. Mullins +said there was no doubt of it, and the Dean enquired if the presence +of mugwumps was fatal in matters of endeavour, and Mullins said that +it was. Then the rector asked if even one mugwump was, in the Christian +sense, deleterious. Mullins said that one mugwump would kill anything. +After that the Dean hardly spoke at all. + +In fact, the rector presently said that he mustn't detain Mullins too +long and that he had detained him too long already and that Mullins must +be weary from his train journey and that in cases of extreme weariness +nothing but a sound sleep was of any avail; he himself, unfortunately, +would not be able to avail himself of the priceless boon of slumber +until he had first retired to his study to write some letters; so that +Mullins, who had a certain kind of social quickness of intuition, saw +that it was time to leave, and went away. + +It was midnight as he went down the street, and a dark, still night. +That can be stated positively because it came out in court afterwards. +Mullins swore that it was a dark night; he admitted, under examination, +that there may have been the stars, or at least some of the less +important of them, though he had made no attempt, as brought out on +cross-examination, to count them: there may have been, too, the electric +lights, and Mullins was not willing to deny that it was quite possible +that there was more or less moonlight. But that there was no light that +night in the form of sunlight, Mullins was absolutely certain. All that, +I say, came out in court. + +But meanwhile the rector had gone upstairs to his study and had seated +himself in front of his table to write his letters. It was here always +that he wrote his sermons. From the window of the room you looked +through the bare white maple trees to the sweeping outline of the church +shadowed against the night sky, and beyond that, though far off, was +the new cemetery where the rector walked of a Sunday (I think I told you +why): beyond that again, for the window faced the east, there lay, at no +very great distance, the New Jerusalem. There were no better things that +a man might look towards from his study window, nor anything that could +serve as a better aid to writing. + +But this night the Dean's letters must have been difficult indeed to +write. For he sat beside the table holding his pen and with his head +bent upon his other hand, and though he sometimes put a line or two on +the paper, for the most part he sat motionless. The fact is that Dean +Drone was not trying to write letters, but only one letter. He was +writing a letter of resignation. If you have not done that for forty +years it is extremely difficult to get the words. + +So at least the Dean found it. First he wrote one set of words and then +he sat and thought and wrote something else. But nothing seemed to suit. + +The real truth was that Dean Drone, perhaps more than he knew himself, +had a fine taste for words and effects, and when you feel that a +situation is entirely out of the common, you naturally try, if you have +that instinct, to give it the right sort of expression. + +I believe that at the time when Rupert Drone had taken the medal +in Greek over fifty years ago, it was only a twist of fate that had +prevented him from becoming a great writer. There was a buried author in +him just as there was a buried financier in Jefferson Thorpe. In fact, +there were many people in Mariposa like that, and for all I know you may +yourself have seen such elsewhere. For instance, I am certain that Billy +Rawson, the telegraph operator at Mariposa, could easily have invented +radium. In the same way one has only to read the advertisements of Mr. +Gingham, the undertaker, to know that there is still in him a poet, +who could have written on death far more attractive verses than the +Thanatopsis of Cullen Bryant, and under a title less likely to offend +the public and drive away custom. He has told me this himself. + +So the Dean tried first this and then that and nothing would seem to +suit. First of all he wrote: + +"It is now forty years since I came among you, a youth full of life and +hope and ardent in the work before me--" Then he paused, doubtful of the +accuracy and clearness of the expression, read it over again and again +in deep thought and then began again: + +"It is now forty years since I came among you, a broken and melancholy +boy, without life or hope, desiring only to devote to the service of +this parish such few years as might remain of an existence blighted +before it had truly begun--" And then again the Dean stopped. He read +what he had written; he frowned; he crossed it through with his pen. +This was no way to write, this thin egotistical strain of complaint. +Once more he started: + +"It is now forty years since I came among you, a man already tempered +and trained, except possibly in mathematics--" And then again the rector +paused and his mind drifted away to the memory of the Anglican professor +that I spoke of, who had had so little sense of his higher mission as to +omit the teaching of logarithms. And the rector mused so long that +when he began again it seemed to him that it was simpler and better to +discard the personal note altogether, and he wrote: + +"There are times, gentlemen, in the life of a parish, when it comes to +an epoch which brings it to a moment when it reaches a point--" + +The Dean stuck fast again, but refusing this time to be beaten went +resolutely on: + +"--reaches a point where the circumstances of the moment make the epoch +such as to focus the life of the parish in that time." + +Then the Dean saw that he was beaten, and he knew that he not only +couldn't manage the parish but couldn't say so in proper English, and of +the two the last was the bitterer discovery. + +He raised his head, and looked for a moment through the window at the +shadow of the church against the night, so outlined that you could +almost fancy that the light of the New Jerusalem was beyond it. Then he +wrote, and this time not to the world at large but only to Mullins: + +"My dear Harry, I want to resign my charge. Will you come over and help +me?" + + +When the Dean at last rose from writing that, I think it was far on in +the night. As he rose he looked again through the window, looked once +and then once more, and so stood with widening eyes, and his face set +towards what he saw. + +What was that? That light in the sky there, eastward?--near or far he +could not say. Was it already the dawn of the New Jerusalem brightening +in the east, or was it--look--in the church itself,--what is that?--that +dull red glow that shines behind the stained-glass windows, turning them +to crimson? that fork of flame that breaks now from the casement and +flashes upward, along the wood--and see--that sudden sheet of fire that +springs the windows of the church with the roar of splintered glass and +surges upward into the sky, till the dark night and the bare trees and +sleeping street of Mariposa are all illumined with its glow! + +Fire! Fire! and the sudden sound of the bell now, breaking upon the +night. + +So stood the Dean erect, with one hand pressed against the table for +support, while the Mariposa fire bell struck out its warning to the +sleeping town,--stood there while the street grew loud with the tumult +of voices,--with the roaring gallop of the fire brigade,--with the harsh +note of the gong--and over all other sounds, the great seething of the +flames that tore their way into the beams and rafters of the pointed +church and flared above it like a torch into the midnight sky. + +So stood the Dean, and as the church broke thus into a very beacon +kindled upon a hill,--sank forward without a sign, his face against the +table, stricken. + + +You need to see a fire in a place such as Mariposa, a town still half of +wood, to know what fire means. In the city it is all different. To +the onlooker, at any rate, a fire is only a spectacle, nothing more. +Everything is arranged, organized, certain. It is only once perhaps in a +century that fire comes to a large city as it comes to the little wooden +town like Mariposa as a great Terror of the Night. + +That, at any rate, is what it meant in Mariposa that night in April, the +night the Church of England Church burnt down. Had the fire gained but +a hundred feet, or less, it could have reached from the driving shed +behind the church to the backs of the wooden shops of the Main Street, +and once there not all the waters of Lake Wissanotti could stay the +course of its destruction. It was for that hundred feet that they +fought, the men of Mariposa, from the midnight call of the bell till the +slow coming of the day. They fought the fire, not to save the church, +for that was doomed from the first outbreak of the flames, but to stop +the spread of it and save the town. They fought it at the windows, +and at the blazing doors, and through the yawning furnace of the open +belfry; fought it, with the Mariposa engine thumping and panting in the +street, itself aglow with fire like a servant demon fighting its own +kind, with tall ladders reaching to the very roof, and with hose that +poured their streams of tossing water foaming into the flames. + +Most of all they fought to save the wooden driving shed behind the +church from which the fire could leap into the heart of Mariposa. That +was where the real fight was, for the life of the town. I wish you could +have seen how they turned the hose against the shingles, ripping and +tearing them from their places with the force of the driven water: how +they mounted on the roof, axe in hand, and cut madly at the rafters +to bring the building down, while the black clouds of smoke rolled in +volumes about the men as they worked. You could see the fire horses +harnessed with logging chains to the uprights of the shed to tear the +building from its place. + +Most of all I wish you could have seen Mr. Smith, proprietor, as I think +you know, of Smith's Hotel, there on the roof with a fireman's helmet +on, cutting through the main beam of solid cedar, twelve by twelve, that +held tight still when the rafters and the roof tree were down already, +the shed on fire in a dozen places, and the other men driven from the +work by the flaming sparks, and by the strangle of the smoke. Not so +Mr. Smith! See him there as he plants himself firm at the angle of the +beams, and with the full impact of his two hundred and eighty pounds +drives his axe into the wood! I tell you it takes a man from the pine +country of the north to handle an axe! Right, left, left, right, down +it comes, with never a pause or stay, never missing by a fraction of +an inch the line of the stroke! At it, Smith! Down with it! Till with +a shout from the crowd the beam gapes asunder, and Mr. Smith is on the +ground again, roaring his directions to the men and horses as they haul +down the shed, in a voice that dominates the fire itself. + +Who made Mr. Smith the head and chief of the Mariposa fire brigade that +night, I cannot say. I do not know even where he got the huge red helmet +that he wore, nor had I ever heard till the night the church burnt down +that Mr. Smith was a member of the fire brigade at all. But it's always +that way. Your little narrow-chested men may plan and organize, but when +there is something to be done, something real, then it's the man of size +and weight that steps to the front every time. Look at Bismarck and +Mr. Gladstone and President Taft and Mr. Smith,--the same thing in each +case. + +I suppose it was perfectly natural that just as soon as Mr. Smith came +on the scene he put on somebody's helmet and shouted his directions +to the men and bossed the Mariposa fire brigade like Bismarck with the +German parliament. + +The fire had broken out late, late at night, and they fought it till the +day. The flame of it lit up the town and the bare grey maple trees, and +you could see in the light of it the broad sheet of the frozen lake, +snow covered still. It kindled such a beacon as it burned that from the +other side of the lake the people on the night express from the north +could see it twenty miles away. It lit up such a testimony of flame that +Mariposa has never seen the like of it before or since. Then when the +roof crashed in and the tall steeple tottered and fell, so swift a +darkness seemed to come that the grey trees and the frozen lake vanished +in a moment as if blotted out of existence. + + +When the morning came the great church of Mariposa was nothing but a +ragged group of walls with a sodden heap of bricks and blackened wood, +still hissing here and there beneath the hose with the sullen anger of +a conquered fire. Round the ruins of the fire walked the people of +Mariposa next morning, and they pointed out where the wreck of the +steeple had fallen, and where the bells of the church lay in a molten +heap among the bricks, and they talked of the loss that it was and how +many dollars it would take to rebuild the church, and whether it was +insured and for how much. And there were at least fourteen people who +had seen the fire first, and more than that who had given the first +alarm, and ever so many who knew how fires of this sort could be +prevented. + +Most noticeable of all you could see the sidesmen and the wardens and +Mullins, the chairman of the vestry, talking in little groups about the +fire. Later in the day there came from the city the insurance men and +the fire appraisers, and they too walked about the ruins, and talked +with the wardens and the vestry men. There was such a luxury of +excitement in the town that day that it was just as good as a public +holiday. + +But the strangest part of it was the unexpected sequel. I don't know +through what error of the Dean's figures it happened, through what lack +of mathematical training the thing turned out as it did. No doubt the +memory of the mathematical professor was heavily to blame for it, but +the solid fact is that the Church of England Church of Mariposa turned +out to be insured for a hundred thousand, and there were the receipts +and the vouchers, all signed and regular, just as they found them in a +drawer of the rector's study. There was no doubt about it. The insurance +people might protest as they liked. The straight, plain fact was that +the church was insured for about twice the whole amount of the cost and +the debt and the rector's salary and the boarding-school fees of the +littlest of the Drones all put together. + + +There was a Whirlwind Campaign for you! Talk of raising money,--that was +something like! I wonder if the universities and the city institutions +that go round trying to raise money by the slow and painful method +called a Whirlwind Campaign, that takes perhaps all day to raise fifty +thousand dollars, ever thought of anything so beautifully simple as +this. + +The Greater Testimony that had lain so heavily on the congregation went +flaming to its end, and burned up its debts and its obligations and +enriched its worshippers by its destruction. Talk of a beacon on a hill! +You can hardly beat that one. + +I wish you could have seen how the wardens and the sidesmen and Mullins, +the chairman of the vestry, smiled and chuckled at the thought of it. +Hadn't they said all along that all that was needed was a little faith +and effort? And here it was, just as they said, and they'd been right +after all. + +Protest from the insurance people? Legal proceedings to prevent payment? +My dear sir! I see you know nothing about the Mariposa court, in spite +of the fact that I have already said that it was one of the most +precise instruments of British fair play ever established. Why, Judge +Pepperleigh disposed of the case and dismissed the protest of the +company in less than fifteen minutes! Just what the jurisdiction +of Judge Pepperleigh's court is I don't know, but I do know that in +upholding the rights of a Christian congregation--I am quoting here the +text of the decision--against the intrigues of a set of infernal skunks +that make too much money, anyway, the Mariposa court is without an +equal. Pepperleigh even threatened the plaintiffs with the penitentiary, +or worse. + +How the fire started no one ever knew. There was a queer story that went +about to the effect that Mr. Smith and Mr. Gingham's assistant had been +seen very late that night carrying an automobile can of kerosene up the +street. But that was amply disproved by the proceedings of the court, +and by the evidence of Mr. Smith himself. He took his dying oath,--not +his ordinary one as used in the License cases, but his dying one,--that +he had not carried a can of kerosene up the street, and that anyway it +was the rottenest kind of kerosene he had ever seen and no more use than +so much molasses. So that point was settled. + +Dean Drone? Did he get well again? Why, what makes you ask that? You +mean, was his head at all affected after the stroke? No, it was not. +Absolutely not. It was not affected in the least, though how anybody who +knows him now in Mariposa could have the faintest idea that his mind was +in any way impaired by the stroke is more than I can tell. The engaging +of Mr. Uttermost, the curate, whom perhaps you have heard preach in the +new church, had nothing whatever to do with Dean Drone's head. It was +merely a case of the pressure of overwork. It was felt very generally +by the wardens that, in these days of specialization, the rector was +covering too wide a field, and that if he should abandon some of the +lesser duties of his office, he might devote his energies more intently +to the Infant Class. That was all. You may hear him there any afternoon, +talking to them, if you will stand under the maple trees and listen +through the open windows of the new Infant School. + +And, as for audiences, for intelligence, for attention--well, if I want +to find listeners who can hear and understand about the great spaces +of Lake Huron, let me tell of it, every time face to face with the blue +eyes of the Infant Class, fresh from the infinity of spaces greater +still. Talk of grown-up people all you like, but for listeners let me +have the Infant Class with their pinafores and their Teddy Bears and +their feet not even touching the floor, and Mr. Uttermost may preach to +his heart's content of the newer forms of doubt revealed by the higher +criticism. + +So you will understand that the Dean's mind is, if anything, even +keener, and his head even clearer than before. And if you want proof of +it, notice him there beneath the plum blossoms reading in the Greek: +he has told me that he finds that he can read, with the greatest ease, +works in the Greek that seemed difficult before. Because his head is so +clear now. + +And sometimes,--when his head is very clear,--as he sits there reading +beneath the plum blossoms he can hear them singing beyond, and his +wife's voice. + + + + +SEVEN. The Extraordinary Entanglement of Mr. Pupkin + +Judge Pepperleigh lived in a big house with hardwood floors and a wide +piazza that looked over the lake from the top of Oneida Street. + +Every day about half-past five he used to come home from his office in +the Mariposa Court House. On some days as he got near the house he would +call out to his wife: + +"Almighty Moses, Martha! who left the sprinkler on the grass?" + +On other days he would call to her from quite a little distance off: +"Hullo, mother! Got any supper for a hungry man?" + +And Mrs. Pepperleigh never knew which it would be. On the days when he +swore at the sprinkler you could see his spectacles flash like dynamite. +But on the days when he called: "Hullo, mother," they were simply +irradiated with kindliness. + +Some days, I say, he would cry out with a perfect whine of indignation: +"Suffering Caesar! has that infernal dog torn up those geraniums again?" +And other days you would hear him singing out: "Hullo, Rover! Well, +doggie, well, old fellow!" + +In the same way at breakfast, the judge, as he looked over the +morning paper, would sometimes leap to his feet with a perfect howl of +suffering, and cry: "Everlasting Moses! the Liberals have carried East +Elgin." Or else he would lean back from the breakfast table with +the most good-humoured laugh you ever heard and say: "Ha! ha! the +Conservatives have carried South Norfolk." + +And yet he was perfectly logical, when you come to think of it. After +all, what is more annoying to a sensitive, highly-strung man than an +infernal sprinkler playing all over the place, and what more agreeable +to a good-natured, even-tempered fellow than a well-prepared supper? Or, +what is more likeable than one's good, old, affectionate dog bounding +down the path from sheer delight at seeing you,--or more execrable than +an infernal whelp that has torn up the geraniums and is too old to keep, +anyway? + +As for politics, well, it all seemed reasonable enough. When the +Conservatives got in anywhere, Pepperleigh laughed and enjoyed it, +simply because it does one good to see a straight, fine, honest fight +where the best man wins. When a Liberal got in, it made him mad, and he +said so,--not, mind you, from any political bias, for his office forbid +it,--but simply because one can't bear to see the country go absolutely +to the devil. + +I suppose, too, it was partly the effect of sitting in court all day +listening to cases. One gets what you might call the judicial temper of +mind. Pepperleigh had it so strongly developed that I've seen him kick +a hydrangea pot to pieces with his foot because the accursed thing +wouldn't flower. He once threw the canary cage clear into the lilac +bushes because the "blasted bird wouldn't stop singing." It was a +straight case of judicial temper. Lots of judges have it, developed in +just the same broad, all-round way as with Judge Pepperleigh. + + +I think it must be passing sentences that does it. Anyway, Pepperleigh +had the aptitude for passing sentences so highly perfected that he spent +his whole time at it inside of court and out. I've heard him hand out +sentences for the Sultan of Turkey and Mrs. Pankhurst and the Emperor of +Germany that made one's blood run cold. He would sit there on the piazza +of a summer evening reading the paper, with dynamite sparks flying from +his spectacles as he sentenced the Czar of Russia to ten years in the +salt mines--and made it fifteen a few minutes afterwards. Pepperleigh +always read the foreign news--the news of things that he couldn't +alter--as a form of wild and stimulating torment. + +So you can imagine that in some ways the judge's house was a pretty +difficult house to go to. I mean you can see how awfully hard it must +have been for Mr. Pupkin. I tell you it took some nerve to step up on +that piazza and say, in a perfectly natural, off-hand way: "Oh, how +do you do, judge? Is Miss Zena in? No, I won't stay, thanks; I think I +ought to be going. I simply called." A man who can do that has got to +have a pretty fair amount of savoir what do you call it, and he's got to +be mighty well shaved and have his cameo pin put in his tie at a pretty +undeniable angle before he can tackle it. Yes, and even then he may need +to hang round behind the lilac bushes for half an hour first, and cool +off. And he's apt to make pretty good time down Oneida Street on the way +back. + +Still, that's what you call love, and if you've got it, and are well +shaved, and your boots well blacked, you can do things that seem almost +impossible. Yes, you can do anything, even if you do trip over the dog +in getting off the piazza. + +Don't suppose for a moment that Judge Pepperleigh was an unapproachable +or a harsh man always and to everybody. Even Mr. Pupkin had to admit +that that couldn't be so. To know that, you had only to see Zena +Pepperleigh put her arm round his neck and call him Daddy. She would do +that even when there were two or three young men sitting on the edge of +the piazza. You know, I think, the way they sit on the edge in Mariposa. +It is meant to indicate what part of the family they have come to see. +Thus when George Duff, the bank manager, came up to the Pepperleigh +house, he always sat in a chair on the verandah and talked to the judge. +But when Pupkin or Mallory Tompkins or any fellow like that came, he sat +down in a sidelong fashion on the edge of the boards and then they knew +exactly what he was there for. If he knew the house well, he leaned his +back against the verandah post and smoked a cigarette. But that took +nerve. + +But I am afraid that this is a digression, and, of course, you know all +about it just as well as I do. All that I was trying to say was that I +don't suppose that the judge had ever spoken a cross word to Zena in his +life.--Oh, he threw her novel over the grape-vine, I don't deny that, +but then why on earth should a girl read trash like the Errant Quest of +the Palladin Pilgrim, and the Life of Sir Galahad, when the house was +full of good reading like The Life of Sir John A. Macdonald, and Pioneer +Days in Tecumseh Township? + + +Still, what I mean is that the judge never spoke harshly to Zena, except +perhaps under extreme provocation; and I am quite sure that he never, +never had to Neil. But then what father ever would want to speak angrily +to such a boy as Neil Pepperleigh? The judge took no credit himself for +that; the finest grown boy in the whole county and so broad and big that +they took him into the Missinaba Horse when he was only seventeen. And +clever,--so clever that he didn't need to study; so clever that he used +to come out at the foot of the class in mathematics at the Mariposa +high school through sheer surplus of brain power. I've heard the judge +explain it a dozen times. Why, Neil was so clever that he used to be +able to play billiards at the Mariposa House all evening when the other +boys had to stay at home and study. + +Such a powerful looking fellow, too! Everybody in Mariposa remembers +how Neil Pepperleigh smashed in the face of Peter McGinnis, the Liberal +organizer, at the big election--you recall it--when the old Macdonald +Government went out. Judge Pepperleigh had to try him for it the next +morning--his own son. They say there never was such a scene even in the +Mariposa court. There was, I believe, something like it on a smaller +scale in Roman history, but it wasn't half as dramatic. I remember Judge +Pepperleigh leaning forward to pass the sentence,--for a judge is bound, +you know, by his oath,--and how grave he looked and yet so proud and +happy, like a man doing his duty and sustained by it, and he said: + +"My boy, you are innocent. You smashed in Peter McGinnis's face, but you +did it without criminal intent. You put a face on him, by Jehoshaphat! +that he won't lose for six months, but you did it without evil purpose +or malign design. My boy, look up! Give me your hand! You leave this +court without a stain upon your name." + +They said it was one of the most moving scenes ever enacted in the +Mariposa Court. + + +But the strangest thing is that if the judge had known what every one +else in Mariposa knew, it would have broken his heart. If he could have +seen Neil with the drunken flush on his face in the billiard room of the +Mariposa House,--if he had known, as every one else did, that Neil was +crazed with drink the night he struck the Liberal organizer when the old +Macdonald Government went out,--if he could have known that even on that +last day Neil was drunk when he rode with the Missinaba Horse to the +station to join the Third Contingent for the war, and all the street of +the little town was one great roar of people-- + +But the judge never knew, and now he never will. For if you could find +it in the meanness of your soul to tell him, it would serve no purpose +now except to break his heart, and there would rise up to rebuke you the +pictured vision of an untended grave somewhere in the great silences of +South Africa. + +Did I say above, or seem to imply, that the judge sometimes spoke +harshly to his wife? Or did you gather for a minute that her lot was +one to lament over or feel sorry for? If so, it just shows that you know +nothing about such things, and that marriage, at least as it exists +in Mariposa, is a sealed book to you. You are as ignorant as Miss +Spiffkins, the biology teacher at the high school, who always says +how sorry she is for Mrs. Pepperleigh. You get that impression simply +because the judge howled like an Algonquin Indian when he saw the +sprinkler running on the lawn. But are you sure you know the other side +of it? Are you quite sure when you talk like Miss Spiffkins does about +the rights of it, that you are taking all things into account? You might +have thought differently perhaps of the Pepperleighs, anyway, if you had +been there that evening when the judge came home to his wife with one +hand pressed to his temple and in the other the cablegram that said +that Neil had been killed in action in South Africa. That night they +sat together with her hand in his, just as they had sat together thirty +years ago when he was a law student in the city. + +Go and tell Miss Spiffkins that! Hydrangeas,--canaries,-- +temper,--blazes! What does Miss Spiffkins know about it all? + +But in any case, if you tried to tell Judge Pepperleigh about Neil now +he wouldn't believe it. He'd laugh it to scorn. That is Neil's +picture, in uniform, hanging in the dining-room beside the Fathers of +Confederation. That military-looking man in the picture beside him is +General Kitchener, whom you may perhaps have heard of, for he was very +highly spoken of in Neil's letters. All round the room, in fact, and +still more in the judge's library upstairs, you will see pictures of +South Africa and the departure of the Canadians (there are none of the +return), and of Mounted Infantry and of Unmounted Cavalry and a lot of +things that only soldiers and the fathers of soldiers know about. + +So you can realize that for a fellow who isn't military, and who wears +nothing nearer to a uniform than a daffodil tennis blazer, the judge's +house is a devil of a house to come to. + +I think you remember young Mr. Pupkin, do you not? I have referred to +him several times already as the junior teller in the Exchange Bank. But +if you know Mariposa at all you have often seen him. You have noticed +him, I am sure, going for the bank mail in the morning in an office suit +effect of clinging grey with a gold necktie pin shaped like a riding +whip. You have seen him often enough going down to the lake front after +supper, in tennis things, smoking a cigarette and with a paddle and a +crimson canoe cushion under his arm. You have seen him entering Dean +Drone's church in a top hat and a long frock coat nearly to his feet. +You have seen him, perhaps, playing poker in Peter Glover's room +over the hardware store and trying to look as if he didn't hold three +aces,--in fact, giving absolutely no sign of it beyond the wild flush in +his face and the fact that his hair stands on end. + +That kind of reticence is a thing you simply have to learn in banking. +I mean, if you've got to be in a position where you know for a fact +that the Mariposa Packing Company's account is overdrawn by sixty-four +dollars, and yet daren't say anything about it, not even to the +girls that you play tennis with,--I don't say, not a casual hint as a +reference, but not really tell them, not, for instance, bring down the +bank ledger to the tennis court and show them,--you learn a sort of +reticence and self-control that people outside of banking circles never +can attain. + +Why, I've known Pupkin at the Fireman's Ball lean against the wall in +his dress suit and talk away to Jim Eliot, the druggist, without giving +the faintest hint or indication that Eliot's note for twenty-seven +dollars had been protested that very morning. Not a hint of it. I don't +say he didn't mention it, in a sort of way, in the supper room, just to +one or two, but I mean there was nothing in the way he leant up against +the wall to suggest it. + +But, however, I don't mention that as either for or against Mr. Pupkin. +That sort of thing is merely the A B C of banking, as he himself told +me when explaining why it was that he hesitated to divulge the exact +standing of the Mariposa Carriage Company. Of course, once you get past +the A B C you can learn a lot that is mighty interesting. + +So I think that if you know Mariposa and understand even the rudiments +of banking, you are perfectly acquainted with Mr. Pupkin. What? You +remember him as being in love with Miss Lawson, the high school teacher? +In love with HER? What a ridiculous idea. You mean merely because on the +night when the Mariposa Belle sank with every soul on board, Pupkin put +off from the town in a skiff to rescue Miss Lawson. Oh, but you're quite +wrong. That wasn't LOVE. I've heard Pupkin explain it himself a dozen +times. That sort of thing,--paddling out to a sinking steamer at night +in a crazy skiff,--may indicate a sort of attraction, but not real love, +not what Pupkin came to feel afterwards. Indeed, when he began to think +of it, it wasn't even attraction, it was merely respect,--that's all +it was. And anyway, that was long before, six or seven months back, and +Pupkin admitted that at the time he was a mere boy. + + +Mr. Pupkin, I must explain, lived with Mallory Tompkins in rooms over +the Exchange Bank, on the very top floor, the third, with Mullins's own +rooms below them. Extremely comfortable quarters they were, with two +bedrooms and a sitting-room that was all fixed up with snowshoes and +tennis rackets on the walls and dance programmes and canoe club badges +and all that sort of thing. + +Mallory Tompkins was a young man with long legs and check trousers who +worked on the Mariposa Times-Herald. That was what gave him his literary +taste. He used to read Ibsen and that other Dutch author--Bumstone +Bumstone, isn't it?--and you can judge that he was a mighty intellectual +fellow. He was so intellectual that he was, as he himself admitted, +a complete eggnostic. He and Pupkin used to have the most tremendous +arguments about creation and evolution, and how if you study at a school +of applied science you learn that there's no hell beyond the present +life. + +Mallory Tompkins used to prove absolutely that the miracles were only +electricity, and Pupkin used to admit that it was an awfully good +argument, but claimed that he had heard it awfully well answered in a +sermon, though unfortunately he had forgotten how. + +Tompkins used to show that the flood was contrary to geology, and Pupkin +would acknowledge that the point was an excellent one, but that he had +read a book,--the title of which he ought to have written down,--which +explained geology away altogether. + +Mallory Tompkins generally got the best of the merely logical side of +the arguments, but Pupkin--who was a tremendous Christian--was much +stronger in the things he had forgotten. So the discussions often lasted +till far into the night, and Mr. Pupkin would fall asleep and dream of a +splendid argument, which would have settled the whole controversy, only +unfortunately he couldn't recall it in the morning. + +Of course, Pupkin would never have thought of considering himself on an +intellectual par with Mallory Tompkins. That would have been ridiculous. +Mallory Tompkins had read all sorts of things and had half a mind to +write a novel himself--either that or a play. All he needed, he said, +was to have a chance to get away somewhere by himself and think. Every +time he went away to the city Pupkin expected that he might return with +the novel all finished; but though he often came back with his eyes red +from thinking, the novel as yet remained incomplete. + +Meantime, Mallory Tompkins, as I say, was a mighty intellectual fellow. +You could see that from the books on the bamboo bookshelves in the +sitting-room. There was, for instance, the "Encyclopaedia Metropolitana" +in forty volumes, that he bought on the instalment plan for two dollars +a month. Then when they took that away, there was the "History of +Civilization," in fifty volumes at fifty cents a week for fifty years. +Tompkins had read in it half-way through the Stone Age before they +took it from him. After that there was the "Lives of the Painters," one +volume at a time--a splendid thing in which you could read all about +Aahrens, and Aachenthal, and Aax and men of that class. + +After all, there's nothing like educating oneself. Mallory Tompkins knew +about the opening period of all sorts of things, and in regard to people +whose names began with "A" you couldn't stick him. + +I don't mean that he and Mr. Pupkin lived a mere routine of studious +evenings. That would be untrue. Quite often their time was spent in much +less commendable ways than that, and there were poker parties in their +sitting-room that didn't break up till nearly midnight. Card-playing, +after all, is a slow business, unless you put money on it, and, besides, +if you are in a bank and are handling money all day, gambling has a +fascination. + +I've seen Pupkin and Mallory Tompkins and Joe Milligan, the dentist, and +Mitchell the ticket agent, and the other "boys" sitting round the table +with matches enough piled up in front of them to stock a factory. Ten +matches counted for one chip and ten chips made a cent--so you see they +weren't merely playing for the fun of the thing. Of course it's a +hollow pleasure. You realize that when you wake up at night parched with +thirst, ten thousand matches to the bad. But banking is a wild life and +everybody knows it. + +Sometimes Pupkin would swear off and keep away from the cursed thing for +weeks, and then perhaps he'd see by sheer accident a pile of matches on +the table, or a match lying on the floor and it would start the craze in +him. I am using his own words--a "craze"--that's what he called it when +he told Miss Lawson all about it, and she promised to cure him of it. +She would have, too. Only, as I say, Pupkin found that what he had +mistaken for attraction was only respect. And there's no use worrying a +woman that you respect about your crazes. + + +It was from Mallory Tompkins that Pupkin learned all about the Mariposa +people, because Pupkin came from away off--somewhere down in the +Maritime Provinces--and didn't know a soul. Mallory Tompkins used to +tell him about Judge Pepperleigh, and what a wonderfully clever man he +was and how he would have been in the Supreme Court for certain if the +Conservative Government had stayed in another fifteen or twenty years +instead of coming to a premature end. He used to talk so much about the +Pepperleighs, that Pupkin was sick of the very name. But just as soon as +he had seen Zena Pepperleigh he couldn't hear enough of them. He would +have talked with Tompkins for hours about the judge's dog Rover. And as +for Zena, if he could have brought her name over his lips, he would have +talked of her forever. + +He first saw her--by one of the strangest coincidences in the world--on +the Main Street of Mariposa. If he hadn't happened to be going up the +street and she to be coming down it, the thing wouldn't have happened. +Afterwards they both admitted that it was one of the most peculiar +coincidences they ever heard of. Pupkin owned that he had had the +strangest feeling that morning as if something were going to happen--a +feeling not at all to be classed with the one of which he had once +spoken to Miss Lawson, and which was, at the most, a mere anticipation +of respect. + +But, as I say, Pupkin met Zena Pepperleigh on the 26th of June, at +twenty-five minutes to eleven. And at once the whole world changed. The +past was all blotted out. Even in the new forty volume edition of +the "Instalment Record of Humanity" that Mallory Tompkins had just +received--Pupkin wouldn't have bothered with it. + +She--that word henceforth meant Zena--had just come back from +her boarding-school, and of all times of year coming back from a +boarding-school and for wearing a white shirt waist and a crimson +tie and for carrying a tennis racket on the stricken street of a +town--commend me to the month of June in Mariposa. + +And, for Pupkin, straight away the whole town was irradiated with +sunshine, and there was such a singing of the birds, and such a dancing +of the rippled waters of the lake, and such a kindliness in the faces +of all the people, that only those who have lived in Mariposa, and been +young there, can know at all what he felt. + +The simple fact is that just the moment he saw Zena Pepperleigh, Mr. +Pupkin was clean, plumb, straight, flat, absolutely in love with her. + +Which fact is so important that it would be folly not to close the +chapter and think about it. + + + + +EIGHT. The Fore-ordained Attachment of Zena Pepperleigh and Peter Pupkin + +Zena Pepperleigh used to sit reading novels on the piazza of the judge's +house, half hidden by the Virginia creepers. At times the book would +fall upon her lap and there was such a look of unstilled yearning in her +violet eyes that it did not entirely disappear even when she picked up +the apple that lay beside her and took another bite out of it. + +With hands clasped she would sit there dreaming all the beautiful +day-dreams of girlhood. When you saw that faraway look in her eyes, +it meant that she was dreaming that a plumed and armoured knight was +rescuing her from the embattled keep of a castle beside the Danube. At +other times she was being borne away by an Algerian corsair over the +blue waters of the Mediterranean and was reaching out her arms towards +France to say farewell to it. + +Sometimes when you noticed a sweet look of resignation that seemed +to rest upon her features, it meant that Lord Ronald de Chevereux was +kneeling at her feet, and that she was telling him to rise, that her +humbler birth must ever be a bar to their happiness, and Lord Ronald was +getting into an awful state about it, as English peers do at the least +suggestion of anything of the sort. + +Or, if it wasn't that, then her lover had just returned to her side, +tall and soldierly and sunburned, after fighting for ten years in the +Soudan for her sake, and had come back to ask her for her answer and +to tell her that for ten years her face had been with him even in +the watches of the night. He was asking her for a sign, any kind of +sign,--ten years in the Soudan entitles them to a sign,--and Zena was +plucking a white rose, just one, from her hair, when she would hear her +father's step on the piazza and make a grab for the Pioneers of Tecumseh +Township, and start reading it like mad. + +She was always, as I say, being rescued and being borne away, and being +parted, and reaching out her arms to France and to Spain, and +saying good-bye forever to Valladolid or the old grey towers of +Hohenbranntwein. + +And I don't mean that she was in the least exceptional or romantic, +because all the girls in Mariposa were just like that. An Algerian +corsair could have come into the town and had a dozen of them for the +asking, and as for a wounded English officer,--well, perhaps it's better +not to talk about it outside or the little town would become a regular +military hospital. + +Because, mind you, the Mariposa girls are all right. You've only to look +at them to realize that. You see, you can get in Mariposa a print dress +of pale blue or pale pink for a dollar twenty that looks infinitely +better than anything you ever see in the city,--especially if you can +wear with it a broad straw hat and a background of maple trees and the +green grass of a tennis court. And if you remember, too, that these are +cultivated girls who have all been to the Mariposa high school and can +do decimal fractions, you will understand that an Algerian corsair would +sharpen his scimitar at the very sight of them. + +Don't think either that they are all dying to get married; because they +are not. I don't say they wouldn't take an errant knight, or a buccaneer +or a Hungarian refugee, but for the ordinary marriages of ordinary +people they feel nothing but a pitying disdain. So it is that each one +of them in due time marries an enchanted prince and goes to live in one +of the little enchanted houses in the lower part of the town. + +I don't know whether you know it, but you can rent an enchanted house +in Mariposa for eight dollars a month, and some of the most completely +enchanted are the cheapest. As for the enchanted princes, they find +them in the strangest places, where you never expected to see them, +working--under a spell, you understand,--in drug-stores and printing +offices, and even selling things in shops. But to be able to find them +you have first to read ever so many novels about Sir Galahad and the +Errant Quest and that sort of thing. + + +Naturally then Zena Pepperleigh, as she sat on the piazza, dreamed +of bandits and of wounded officers and of Lord Ronalds riding on +foam-flecked chargers. But that she ever dreamed of a junior bank +teller in a daffodil blazer riding past on a bicycle, is pretty hard to +imagine. So, when Mr. Pupkin came tearing past up the slope of Oneida +Street at a speed that proved that he wasn't riding there merely to +pass the house, I don't suppose that Zena Pepperleigh was aware of his +existence. + +That may be a slight exaggeration. She knew, perhaps, that he was +the new junior teller in the Exchange Bank and that he came from the +Maritime Provinces, and that nobody knew who his people were, and that +he had never been in a canoe in his life till he came to Mariposa, and +that he sat four pews back in Dean Drone's church, and that his salary +was eight hundred dollars. Beyond that, she didn't know a thing about +him. She presumed, however, that the reason why he went past so fast was +because he didn't dare to go slow. + +This, of course, was perfectly correct. Ever since the day when Mr. +Pupkin met Zena in the Main Street he used to come past the house on his +bicycle just after bank hours. He would have gone past twenty times a +day but he was afraid to. As he came up Oneida Street, he used to pedal +faster and faster,--he never meant to, but he couldn't help it,--till he +went past the piazza where Zena was sitting at an awful speed with his +little yellow blazer flying in the wind. In a second he had disappeared +in a buzz and a cloud of dust, and the momentum of it carried him clear +out into the country for miles and miles before he ever dared to pause +or look back. + +Then Mr. Pupkin would ride in a huge circuit about the country, trying +to think he was looking at the crops, and sooner or later his bicycle +would be turned towards the town again and headed for Oneida Street, and +would get going quicker and quicker and quicker, till the pedals whirled +round with a buzz and he came past the judge's house again, like a +bullet out of a gun. He rode fifteen miles to pass the house twice, and +even then it took all the nerve that he had. + +The people on Oneida Street thought that Mr. Pupkin was crazy, but Zena +Pepperleigh knew that he was not. Already, you see, there was a sort +of dim parallel between the passing of the bicycle and the last ride of +Tancred the Inconsolable along the banks of the Danube. + +I have already mentioned, I think, how Mr. Pupkin and Zena Pepperleigh +first came to know one another. Like everything else about them, it was +a sheer matter of coincidence, quite inexplicable unless you understand +that these things are fore-ordained. + +That, of course, is the way with fore-ordained affairs and that's where +they differ from ordinary love. + + +I won't even try to describe how Mr. Pupkin felt when he first spoke +with Zena and sat beside her as they copied out the "endless chain" +letter asking for ten cents. They wrote out, as I said, no less than +eight of the letters between them, and they found out that their +handwritings were so alike that you could hardly tell them apart, except +that Pupkin's letters were round and Zena's letters were pointed and +Pupkin wrote straight up and down and Zena wrote on a slant. Beyond that +the writing was so alike that it was the strangest coincidence in the +world. Of course when they made figures it was different and Pupkin +explained to Zena that in the bank you have to be able to make a seven +so that it doesn't look like a nine. + +So, as I say, they wrote the letters all afternoon and when it was over +they walked up Oneida Street together, ever so slowly. When they got +near the house, Zena asked Pupkin to come in to tea, with such an easy +off-hand way that you couldn't have told that she was half an hour late +and was taking awful chances on the judge. Pupkin hadn't had time to say +yes before the judge appeared at the door, just as they were stepping up +on to the piazza, and he had a table napkin in his hand and the dynamite +sparks were flying from his spectacles as he called out: + +"Great heaven! Zena, why in everlasting blazes can't you get in to tea +at a Christian hour?" + +Zena gave one look of appeal to Pupkin, and Pupkin looked one glance of +comprehension, and turned and fled down Oneida Street. And if the scene +wasn't quite as dramatic as the renunciation of Tancred the Troubadour, +it at least had something of the same elements in it. + +Pupkin walked home to his supper at the Mariposa House on air, and that +evening there was a gentle distance in his manner towards Sadie, the +dining-room girl, that I suppose no bank clerk in Mariposa ever showed +before. It was like Sir Galahad talking with the tire-women of Queen +Guinevere and receiving huckleberry pie at their hands. + +After that Mr. Pupkin and Zena Pepperleigh constantly met together. +They played tennis as partners on the grass court behind Dr. Gallagher's +house,--the Mariposa Tennis Club rent it, you remember, for fifty +cents a month,--and Pupkin used to perform perfect prodigies of valour, +leaping in the air to serve with his little body hooked like a letter +S. Sometimes, too, they went out on Lake Wissanotti in the evening in +Pupkin's canoe, with Zena sitting in the bow and Pupkin paddling in the +stern and they went out ever so far and it was after dark and the stars +were shining before they came home. Zena would look at the stars and +say how infinitely far away they seemed, and Pupkin would realize that a +girl with a mind like that couldn't have any use for a fool such as +him. Zena used to ask him to point out the Pleiades and Jupiter and Ursa +minor, and Pupkin showed her exactly where they were. That impressed +them both tremendously, because Pupkin didn't know that Zena remembered +the names out of the astronomy book at her boarding-school, and Zena +didn't know that Pupkin simply took a chance on where the stars were. + +And ever so many times they talked so intimately that Pupkin came mighty +near telling her about his home in the Maritime Provinces and about his +father and mother, and then kicked himself that he hadn't the manliness +to speak straight out about it and take the consequences. + +Please don't imagine from any of this that the course of Mr. Pupkin's +love ran smooth. On the contrary, Pupkin himself felt that it was +absolutely hopeless from the start. + +There were, it might be admitted, certain things that seemed to indicate +progress. + +In the course of the months of June and July and August, he had taken +Zena out in his canoe thirty-one times. Allowing an average of two miles +for each evening, Pupkin had paddled Zena sixty-two miles, or more than +a hundred thousand yards. That surely was something. + +He had played tennis with her on sixteen afternoons. Three times he had +left his tennis racket up at the judge's house in Zena's charge, and +once he had, with her full consent, left his bicycle there all night. +This must count for something. No girl could trifle with a man to the +extent of having his bicycle leaning against the verandah post all night +and mean nothing by it. + +More than that--he had been to tea at the judge's house fourteen times, +and seven times he had been asked by Lilian Drone to the rectory when +Zena was coming, and five times by Nora Gallagher to tea at the doctor's +house because Zena was there. + +Altogether he had eaten so many meals where Zena was that his meal +ticket at the Mariposa lasted nearly double its proper time, and +the face of Sadie, the dining-room girl, had grown to wear a look of +melancholy resignation; sadder than romance. + +Still more than that, Pupkin had bought for Zena, reckoning it +altogether, about two buckets of ice cream and perhaps half a bushel of +chocolate. Not that Pupkin grudged the expense of it. On the contrary, +over and above the ice cream and the chocolate he had bought her a white +waistcoat and a walking stick with a gold top, a lot of new neckties and +a pair of patent leather boots--that is, they were all bought on account +of her, which is the same thing. + +Add to all this that Pupkin and Zena had been to the Church of England +Church nearly every Sunday evening for two months, and one evening they +had even gone to the Presbyterian Church "for fun," which, if you know +Mariposa, you will realize to be a wild sort of escapade that ought to +speak volumes. + + +Yet in spite of this, Pupkin felt that the thing was hopeless: which +only illustrates the dreadful ups and downs, the wild alternations of +hope and despair that characterise an exceptional affair of this sort. + +Yes, it was hopeless. + +Every time that Pupkin watched Zena praying in church, he knew that she +was too good for him. Every time that he came to call for her and found +her reading Browning and Omar Khayyam he knew that she was too clever +for him. And every time that he saw her at all he realized that she was +too beautiful for him. + +You see, Pupkin knew that he wasn't a hero. When Zena would clasp her +hands and talk rapturously about crusaders and soldiers and firemen and +heroes generally, Pupkin knew just where he came in. Not in it, that was +all. If a war could have broken out in Mariposa, or the judge's house +been invaded by the Germans, he might have had a chance, but as it +was--hopeless. + +Then there was Zena's father. Heaven knows Pupkin tried hard to please +the judge. He agreed with every theory that Judge Pepperleigh advanced, +and that took a pretty pliable intellect in itself. They denounced +female suffrage one day and they favoured it the next. One day the judge +would claim that the labour movement was eating out the heart of the +country, and the next day he would hold that the hope of the world lay +in the organization of the toiling masses. Pupkin shifted his opinions +like the glass in a kaleidoscope. Indeed, the only things on which he +was allowed to maintain a steadfast conviction were the purity of the +Conservative party of Canada and the awful wickedness of the recall of +judges. + +But with all that the judge was hardly civil to Pupkin. He hadn't asked +him to the house till Zena brought him there, though, as a rule, all the +bank clerks in Mariposa treated Judge Pepperleigh's premises as their +own. He used to sit and sneer at Pupkin after he had gone till Zena +would throw down the Pioneers of Tecumseh Township in a temper and +flounce off the piazza to her room. After which the judge's manner would +change instantly and he would relight his corn cob pipe and sit and +positively beam with contentment. In all of which there was something so +mysterious as to prove that Mr. Pupkin's chances were hopeless. + +Nor was that all of it. Pupkin's salary was eight hundred dollars a year +and the Exchange Bank limit for marriage was a thousand. + +I suppose you are aware of the grinding capitalistic tyranny of the +banks in Mariposa whereby marriage is put beyond the reach of ever so +many mature and experienced men of nineteen and twenty and twenty-one, +who are compelled to go on eating on a meal ticket at the Mariposa House +and living over the bank to suit the whim of a group of capitalists. + +Whenever Pupkin thought of this two hundred dollars he understood all +that it meant by social unrest. In fact, he interpreted all forms of +social discontent in terms of it. Russian Anarchism, German Socialism, +the Labour Movement, Henry George, Lloyd George,--he understood the +whole lot of them by thinking of his two hundred dollars. + +When I tell you that at this period Mr. Pupkin read Memoirs of the +Great Revolutionists and even thought of blowing up Henry Mullins with +dynamite, you can appreciate his state of mind. + + +But not even by all these hindrances and obstacles to his love for Zena +Pepperleigh would Peter Pupkin have been driven to commit suicide (oh, +yes; he committed it three times, as I'm going to tell you), had it not +been for another thing that he knew stood once and for all and in cold +reality between him and Zena. + +He felt it in a sort of way, as soon as he knew her. Each time that he +tried to talk to her about his home and his father and mother and found +that something held him back, he realized more and more the kind of +thing that stood between them. Most of all did he realize it, with a +sudden sickness of heart, when he got word that his father and mother +wanted to come to Mariposa to see him and he had all he could do to head +them off from it. + +Why? Why stop them? The reason was, simple enough, that Pupkin was +ashamed of them, bitterly ashamed. The picture of his mother and father +turning up in Mariposa and being seen by his friends there and going up +to the Pepperleigh's house made him feel faint with shame. + +No, I don't say it wasn't wrong. It only shows what difference of +fortune, the difference of being rich and being poor, means in this +world. You perhaps have been so lucky that you cannot appreciate what +it means to feel shame at the station of your own father and mother. You +think it doesn't matter, that honesty and kindliness of heart are all +that counts. That only shows that you have never known some of the +bitterest feelings of people less fortunate than yourself. + +So it was with Mr. Pupkin. When he thought of his father and mother +turning up in Mariposa, his face reddened with unworthy shame. + +He could just picture the scene! He could see them getting out of their +Limousine touring car, with the chauffeur holding open the door for +them, and his father asking for a suite of rooms,--just think of it, a +suite of rooms!--at the Mariposa House. + +The very thought of it turned him ill. + +What! You have mistaken my meaning? Ashamed of them because they were +poor? Good heavens, no, but because they were rich! And not rich in the +sense in which they use the term in Mariposa, where a rich person merely +means a man who has money enough to build a house with a piazza and to +have everything he wants; but rich in the other sense,--motor cars, Ritz +hotels, steam yachts, summer islands and all that sort of thing. + +Why, Pupkin's father,--what's the use of trying to conceal it any +longer?--was the senior partner in the law firm of Pupkin, Pupkin and +Pupkin. If you know the Maritime Provinces at all, you've heard of the +Pupkins. The name is a household word from Chedabucto to Chidabecto. +And, for the matter of that, the law firm and the fact that Pupkin +senior had been an Attorney General was the least part of it. Attorney +General! Why, there's no money in that! It's no better than the Senate. +No, no, Pupkin senior, like so many lawyers, was practically a promoter, +and he blew companies like bubbles, and when he wasn't in the Maritime +Provinces he was in Boston and New York raising money and floating +loans, and when they had no money left in New York he floated it in +London: and when he had it, he floated on top of it big rafts of lumber +on the Miramichi and codfish on the Grand Banks and lesser fish in the +Fundy Bay. You've heard perhaps of the Tidal Transportation Company, and +Fundy Fisheries Corporation, and the Paspebiac Pulp and Paper Unlimited? +Well, all of those were Pupkin senior under other names. So just imagine +him in Mariposa! Wouldn't he be utterly foolish there? Just imagine him +meeting Jim Eliot and treating him like a druggist merely because he +ran a drug store! or speaking to Jefferson Thorpe as if he were a barber +simply because he shaved for money! Why, a man like that could ruin +young Pupkin in Mariposa in half a day, and Pupkin knew it. + +That wouldn't matter so much, but think of the Pepperleighs and Zena! +Everything would be over with them at once. Pupkin knew just what the +judge thought of riches and luxuries. How often had he heard the +judge pass sentences of life imprisonment on Pierpont Morgan and +Mr. Rockefeller. How often had Pupkin heard him say that any man who +received more than three thousand dollars a year (that was the judicial +salary in the Missinaba district) was a mere robber, unfit to shake +the hand of an honest man. Bitter! I should think he was! He was not so +bitter, perhaps, as Mr. Muddleson, the principal of the Mariposa high +school, who said that any man who received more than fifteen hundred +dollars was a public enemy. He was certainly not so bitter as Trelawney, +the post-master, who said that any man who got from society more +than thirteen hundred dollars (apart from a legitimate increase in +recognition of a successful election) was a danger to society. Still, +he was bitter. They all were in Mariposa. Pupkin could just imagine how +they would despise his father! + +And Zena! That was the worst of all. How often had, Pupkin heard her +say that she simply hated diamonds wouldn't wear them, despised them, +wouldn't give a thank you for a whole tiara of them! As for motor cars +and steam yachts,--well, it was pretty plain that that sort of thing had +no chance with Zena Pepperleigh. Why, she had told Pupkin one night in +the canoe that she would only marry a man who was poor and had his way +to make and would hew down difficulties for her sake. And when Pupkin +couldn't answer the argument she was quite cross and silent all the way +home. + + +What was Peter Pupkin doing, then, at eight hundred dollars in a bank in +Mariposa? If you ask that, it means that you know nothing of the life +of the Maritime Provinces and the sturdy temper of the people. I suppose +there are no people in the world who hate luxury and extravagance and +that sort of thing quite as much as the Maritime Province people, and, +of them, no one hated luxury more than Pupkin senior. + +Don't mistake the man. He wore a long sealskin coat in winter, yes; but +mark you, not as a matter of luxury, but merely as a question of his +lungs. He smoked, I admit it, a thirty-five cent cigar, not because he +preferred it, but merely through a delicacy of the thorax that made it +imperative. He drank champagne at lunch, I concede the point, not in +the least from the enjoyment of it, but simply on account of a peculiar +affection of the tongue and lips that positively dictated it. His own +longing--and his wife shared it--was for the simple, simple life--an +island somewhere, with birds and trees. They had bought three or four +islands--one in the St. Lawrence, and two in the Gulf, and one off the +coast of Maine--looking for this sort of thing. Pupkin senior often said +that he wanted to have some place that would remind him of the little +old farm up the Aroostook where he was brought up. He often bought +little old farms, just to try them, but they always turned out to be so +near a city that he cut them into real estate lots, without even having +had time to look at them. + +But--and this is where the emphasis lay--in the matter of luxury for his +only son, Peter, Pupkin senior was a Maritime Province man right to the +core, with all the hardihood of the United Empire Loyalists ingrained in +him. No luxury for that boy! No, sir! From his childhood, Pupkin senior +had undertaken, at the least sign of luxury, to "tan it out of him," +after the fashion still in vogue in the provinces. Then he sent him to +an old-fashioned school to get it "thumped out of him," and after that +he had put him for a year on a Nova Scotia schooner to get it "knocked +out of him." If, after all that, young Pupkin, even when he came to +Mariposa, wore cameo pins and daffodil blazers, and broke out into +ribbed silk saffron ties on pay day, it only shows that the old Adam +still needs further tanning even in the Maritime Provinces. + +Young Pupkin, of course, was to have gone into law. That was his +father's cherished dream and would have made the firm Pupkin, Pupkin, +Pupkin, and Pupkin, as it ought to have been. But young Peter was kept +out of the law by the fool system of examinations devised since his +father's time. Hence there was nothing for it but to sling him into a +bank; "sling him" was, I think, the expression. So his father decided +that if Pupkin was to be slung, he should be slung good and far--clean +into Canada (you know the way they use that word in the Maritime +Provinces). And to sling Pupkin he called in the services of an old +friend, a man after his own heart, just as violent as himself, who used +to be at the law school in the city with Pupkin senior thirty years ago. +So this friend, who happened to live in Mariposa, and who was a violent +man, said at once: "Edward, by Jehoshaphat! send the boy up here." + +So that is how Pupkin came to Mariposa. And if, when he got there, his +father's friend gave no sign, and treated the boy with roughness and +incivility, that may have been, for all I know, a continuation of the +"tanning" process of the Maritime people. + +Did I mention that the Pepperleigh family, generations ago, had taken up +land near the Aroostook, and that it was from there the judge's father +came to Tecumseh township? Perhaps not, but it doesn't matter. + +But surely after such reminiscences as these the awful things that are +impending over Mr. Pupkin must be kept for another chapter. + + + + +NINE. The Mariposa Bank Mystery + +Suicide is a thing that ought not to be committed without very careful +thought. It often involves serious consequences, and in some cases +brings pain to others than oneself. + +I don't say that there is no justification for it. There often is. +Anybody who has listened to certain kinds of music, or read certain +kinds of poetry, or heard certain kinds of performances upon the +concertina, will admit that there are some lives which ought not to be +continued, and that even suicide has its brighter aspects. + +But to commit suicide on grounds of love is at the best a very dubious +experiment. I know that in this I am expressing an opinion contrary +to that of most true lovers who embrace suicide on the slightest +provocation as the only honourable termination of an existence that +never ought to have begun. + +I quite admit that there is a glamour and a sensation about the thing +which has its charm, and that there is nothing like it for causing a +girl to realize the value of the heart that she has broken and which +breathed forgiveness upon her at the very moment when it held in its +hand the half-pint of prussic acid that was to terminate its beating for +ever. + +But apart from the general merits of the question, I suppose there are +few people, outside of lovers, who know what it is to commit suicide +four times in five weeks. + +Yet this was what happened to Mr. Pupkin, of the Exchange Bank of +Mariposa. + +Ever since he had known Zena Pepperleigh he had realized that his love +for her was hopeless. She was too beautiful for him and too good for +him; her father hated him and her mother despised him; his salary was +too small and his own people were too rich. + +If you add to all that that he came up to the judge's house one night +and found a poet reciting verses to Zena, you will understand the +suicide at once. It was one of those regular poets with a solemn jackass +face, and lank parted hair and eyes like puddles of molasses. I don't +know how he came there--up from the city, probably--but there he was +on the Pepperleighs' verandah that August evening. He was reciting +poetry--either Tennyson's or Shelley's, or his own, you couldn't +tell--and about him sat Zena with her hands clasped and Nora Gallagher +looking at the sky and Jocelyn Drone gazing into infinity, and a little +tubby woman looking at the poet with her head falling over sideways--in +fact, there was a whole group of them. + + +I don't know what it is about poets that draws women to them in this +way. But everybody knows that a poet has only to sit and saw the air +with his hands and recite verses in a deep stupid voice, and all the +women are crazy over him. Men despise him and would kick him off the +verandah if they dared, but the women simply rave over him. + +So Pupkin sat there in the gloom and listened to this poet reciting +Browning and he realized that everybody understood it but him. He could +see Zena with her eyes fixed on the poet as if she were hanging on to +every syllable (she was; she needed to), and he stood it just about +fifteen minutes and then slid off the side of the verandah and +disappeared without even saying good-night. + +He walked straight down Oneida Street and along the Main Street just as +hard as he could go. There was only one purpose in his mind,--suicide. +He was heading straight for Jim Eliot's drug store on the main corner +and his idea was to buy a drink of chloroform and drink it and die right +there on the spot. + +As Pupkin walked down the street, the whole thing was so vivid in his +mind that he could picture it to the remotest detail. He could even see +it all in type, in big headings in the newspapers of the following day: + +APPALLING SUICIDE. PETER PUPKIN POISONED. + +He perhaps hoped that the thing might lead to some kind of public +enquiry and that the question of Browning's poetry and whether it is +altogether fair to allow of its general circulation would be fully +ventilated in the newspapers. + +Thinking of that, Pupkin came to the main corner. + +On a warm August evening the drug store of Mariposa, as you know, is all +a blaze of lights. You can hear the hissing of the soda-water fountain +half a block away, and inside the store there are ever so many +people--boys and girls and old people too--all drinking sarsaparilla and +chocolate sundaes and lemon sours and foaming drinks that you take out +of long straws. There is such a laughing and a talking as you never +heard, and the girls are all in white and pink and cambridge blue, and +the soda fountain is of white marble with silver taps, and it hisses +and sputters, and Jim Eliot and his assistant wear white coats with red +geraniums in them, and it's just as gay as gay. + +The foyer of the opera in Paris may be a fine sight, but I doubt if it +can compare with the inside of Eliot's drug store in Mariposa--for real +gaiety and joy of living. + +This night the store was especially crowded because it was a Saturday +and that meant early closing for all the hotels, except, of course, +Smith's. So as the hotels were shut, the people were all in the drug +store, drinking like fishes. It just shows the folly of Local Option and +the Temperance Movement and all that. Why, if you shut the hotels you +simply drive the people to the soda fountains and there's more drinking +than ever, and not only of the men, too, but the girls and young boys +and children. I've seen little things of eight and nine that had to +be lifted up on the high stools at Eliot's drug store, drinking great +goblets of lemon soda, enough to burst them--brought there by their own +fathers, and why? Simply because the hotel bars were shut. + +What's the use of thinking you can stop people drinking merely by +cutting off whiskey and brandy? The only effect is to drive them to +taking lemon sour and sarsaparilla and cherry pectoral and caroka +cordial and things they wouldn't have touched before. So in the long run +they drink more than ever. The point is that you can't prevent people +having a good time, no matter how hard you try. If they can't have it +with lager beer and brandy, they'll have it with plain soda and lemon +pop, and so the whole gloomy scheme of the temperance people breaks +down, anyway. + +But I was only saying that Eliot's drug store in Mariposa on a Saturday +night is the gayest and brightest spot in the world. + +And just imagine what a fool of a place to commit suicide in! + +Just imagine going up to the soda-water fountain and asking for five +cents' worth of chloroform and soda! Well, you simply can't, that's all. + +That's the way Pupkin found it. You see, as soon as he came in, somebody +called out: "Hello, Pete!" and one or two others called: "Hullo, Pup!" +and some said: "How goes it?" and others: "How are you toughing it?" +and so on, because you see they had all been drinking more or less and +naturally they felt jolly and glad-hearted. + +So the upshot of it was that instead of taking chloroform, Pupkin +stepped up to the counter of the fountain and he had a bromo-seltzer +with cherry soda, and after that he had one of those aerated seltzers, +and then a couple of lemon seltzers and a bromo-phizzer. + +I don't know if you know the mental effect of a bromo-seltzer. + +But it's a hard thing to commit suicide on. + +You can't. + +You feel so buoyant. + +Anyway, what with the phizzing of the seltzer and the lights and the +girls, Pupkin began to feel so fine that he didn't care a cuss for all +the Browning in the world, and as for the poet--oh, to blazes with him! +What's poetry, anyway?--only rhymes. + +So, would you believe it, in about ten minutes Peter Pupkin was off +again and heading straight for the Pepperleighs' house, poet or no poet, +and, what was more to the point, he carried with him three great bricks +of Eliot's ice cream--in green, pink and brown layers. He struck the +verandah just at the moment when Browning was getting too stale +and dreary for words. His brain was all sizzling and jolly with the +bromo-seltzer, and when he fetched out the ice cream bricks and Zena +ran to get plates and spoons to eat it with, and Pupkin went with her +to help fetch them and they picked out the spoons together, they were so +laughing and happy that it was just a marvel. Girls, you know, need no +bromo-seltzer. They're full of it all the time. + +And as for the poet--well, can you imagine how Pupkin felt when Zena +told him that the poet was married, and that the tubby little woman with +her head on sideways was his wife? + +So they had the ice cream, and the poet ate it in bucketsful. Poets +always do. They need it. And after it the poet recited some stanzas of +his own and Pupkin saw that he had misjudged the man, because it was +dandy poetry, the very best. That night Pupkin walked home on air and +there was no thought of chloroform, and it turned out that he hadn't +committed suicide, but like all lovers he had commuted it. + + +I don't need to describe in full the later suicides of Mr. Pupkin, +because they were all conducted on the same plan and rested on something +the same reasons as above. + +Sometimes he would go down at night to the offices of the bank below +his bedroom and bring up his bank revolver in order to make an end of +himself with it. This, too, he could see headed up in the newspapers as: + +BRILLIANT BOY BANKER BLOWS OUT BRAINS. + +But blowing your brains out is a noisy, rackety performance, and Pupkin +soon found that only special kinds of brains are suited for it. So he +always sneaked back again later in the night and put the revolver in its +place, deciding to drown himself instead. Yet every time that he walked +down to the Trestle Bridge over the Ossawippi he found it was quite +unsuitable for drowning--too high, and the water too swift and black, +and the rushes too gruesome--in fact, not at all the kind of place for a +drowning. + +Far better, he realized, to wait there on the railroad track and throw +himself under the wheels of the express and be done with it. Yet, though +Pupkin often waited in this way for the train, he was never able to pick +out a pair of wheels that suited him. Anyhow, it's awfully hard to tell +an express from a fast freight. + +I wouldn't mention these attempts at suicide if one of them hadn't +finally culminated in making Peter Pupkin a hero and solving for him the +whole perplexed entanglement of his love affair with Zena Pepperleigh. +Incidentally it threw him into the very centre of one of the most +impenetrable bank mysteries that ever baffled the ingenuity of some of +the finest legal talent that ever adorned one of the most enterprising +communities in the country. + +It happened one night, as I say, that Pupkin decided to go down into +the office of the bank and get his revolver and see if it would blow his +brains out. It was the night of the Firemen's Ball and Zena had danced +four times with a visitor from the city, a man who was in the fourth +year at the University and who knew everything. It was more than Peter +Pupkin could bear. Mallory Tompkins was away that night, and when Pupkin +came home he was all alone in the building, except for Gillis, the +caretaker, who lived in the extension at the back. + +He sat in his room for hours brooding. Two or three times he picked up a +book--he remembered afterwards distinctly that it was Kant's Critique +of Pure Reason--and tried to read it, but it seemed meaningless and +trivial. Then with a sudden access of resolution he started from his +chair and made his way down the stairs and into the office room of the +bank, meaning to get a revolver and kill himself on the spot and let +them find his body lying on the floor. + +It was then far on in the night and the empty building of the bank was +as still as death. Pupkin could hear the stairs creak under his feet, +and as he went he thought he heard another sound like the opening or +closing of a door. But it sounded not like the sharp ordinary noise of +a closing door but with a dull muffled noise as if someone had shut +the iron door of a safe in a room under the ground. For a moment Pupkin +stood and listened with his heart thumping against his ribs. Then he +kicked his slippers from his feet and without a sound stole into the +office on the ground floor and took the revolver from his teller's desk. +As he gripped it, he listened to the sounds on the back-stairway and in +the vaults below. + +I should explain that in the Exchange Bank of Mariposa the offices are +on the ground floor level with the street. Below this is another floor +with low dark rooms paved with flagstones, with unused office desks and +with piles of papers stored in boxes. On this floor are the vaults of +the bank, and lying in them in the autumn--the grain season--there is +anything from fifty to a hundred thousand dollars in currency tied in +bundles. There is no other light down there than the dim reflection from +the lights out on the street, that lies in patches on the stone floor. + +I think as Peter Pupkin stood, revolver in hand, in the office of +the bank, he had forgotten all about the maudlin purpose of his first +coming. He had forgotten for the moment all about heroes and love +affairs, and his whole mind was focussed, sharp and alert, with the +intensity of the night-time, on the sounds that he heard in the vault +and on the back-stairway of the bank. + +Straight away, Pupkin knew what it meant as plainly as if it were +written in print. He had forgotten, I say, about being a hero and he +only knew that there was sixty thousand dollars in the vault of the bank +below, and that he was paid eight hundred dollars a year to look after +it. + +As Peter Pupkin stood there listening to the sounds in his stockinged +feet, his faced showed grey as ashes in the light that fell through the +window from the street. His heart beat like a hammer against his ribs. +But behind its beatings was the blood of four generations of Loyalists, +and the robber who would take that sixty thousand dollars from the +Mariposa bank must take it over the dead body of Peter Pupkin, teller. + + +Pupkin walked down the stairs to the lower room, the one below the +ground with the bank vault in it, with as fine a step as any of his +ancestors showed on parade. And if he had known it, as he came down the +stairway in the front of the vault room, there was a man crouched in the +shadow of the passage way by the stairs at the back. This man, too, held +a revolver in his hand, and, criminal or not, his face was as resolute +as Pupkin's own. As he heard the teller's step on the stair, he turned +and waited in the shadow of the doorway without a sound. + +There is no need really to mention all these details. They are only +of interest as showing how sometimes a bank teller in a corded smoking +jacket and stockinged feet may be turned into such a hero as even the +Mariposa girls might dream about. + +All of this must have happened at about three o'clock in the night. +This much was established afterwards from the evidence of Gillis, the +caretaker. When he first heard the sounds he had looked at his watch and +noticed that it was half-past two; the watch he knew was three-quarters +of an hour slow three days before and had been gaining since. The exact +time at which Gillis heard footsteps in the bank and started downstairs, +pistol in hand, became a nice point afterwards in the cross-examination. + +But one must not anticipate. Pupkin reached the iron door of the bank +safe, and knelt in front of it, feeling in the dark to find the fracture +of the lock. As he knelt, he heard a sound behind him, and swung round +on his knees and saw the bank robber in the half light of the passage +way and the glitter of a pistol in his hand. The rest was over in an +instant. Pupkin heard a voice that was his own, but that sounded strange +and hollow, call out: "Drop that, or I'll fire!" and then just as he +raised his revolver, there came a blinding flash of light before his +eyes, and Peter Pupkin, junior teller of the bank, fell forward on the +floor and knew no more. + + +At that point, of course, I ought to close down a chapter, or volume, +or, at least, strike the reader over the head with a sandbag to force +him to stop and think. In common fairness one ought to stop here and +count a hundred or get up and walk round a block, or, at any rate, +picture to oneself Peter Pupkin lying on the floor of the bank, +motionless, his arms distended, the revolver still grasped in his hand. +But I must go on. + +By half-past seven on the following morning it was known all over +Mariposa that Peter Pupkin the junior teller of the Exchange had been +shot dead by a bank robber in the vault of the building. It was known +also that Gillis, the caretaker, had been shot and killed at the foot of +the stairs, and that the robber had made off with fifty thousand dollars +in currency; that he had left a trail of blood on the sidewalk and that +the men were out tracking him with bloodhounds in the great swamps to +the north of the town. + +This, I say, and it is important to note it, was what they knew at +half-past seven. Of course as each hour went past they learned more +and more. At eight o'clock it was known that Pupkin was not dead, but +dangerously wounded in the lungs. At eight-thirty it was known that he +was not shot in the lungs, but that the ball had traversed the pit of +his stomach. + +At nine o'clock it was learned that the pit of Pupkin's stomach was all +right, but that the bullet had struck his right ear and carried it away. +Finally it was learned that his ear had not exactly been carried away, +that is, not precisely removed by the bullet, but that it had grazed +Pupkin's head in such a way that it had stunned him, and if it had been +an inch or two more to the left it might have reached his brain. This, +of course, was just as good as being killed from the point of view of +public interest. + +Indeed, by nine o'clock Pupkin could be himself seen on the Main Street +with a great bandage sideways on his head, pointing out the traces of +the robber. Gillis, the caretaker, too, it was known by eight, had not +been killed. He had been shot through the brain, but whether the injury +was serious or not was only a matter of conjecture. In fact, by ten +o'clock it was understood that the bullet from the robber's second shot +had grazed the side of the caretaker's head, but as far as could be +known his brain was just as before. I should add that the first report +about the bloodstains and the swamp and the bloodhounds turned out to +be inaccurate. The stains may have been blood, but as they led to the +cellar way of Netley's store they may have also been molasses, though it +was argued, to be sure, that the robber might well have poured molasses +over the bloodstains from sheer cunning. + +It was remembered, too, that there were no bloodhounds in Mariposa, +although, mind you, there are any amount of dogs there. + +So you see that by ten o'clock in the morning the whole affair was +settling into the impenetrable mystery which it ever since remained. + +Not that there wasn't evidence enough. There was Pupkin's own story +and Gillis's story, and the stories of all the people who had heard the +shots and seen the robber (some said, the bunch of robbers) go running +past (others said, walking past), in the night. Apparently the robber +ran up and down half the streets of Mariposa before he vanished. + +But the stories of Pupkin and Gillis were plain enough. Pupkin related +that he heard sounds in the bank and came downstairs just in time to +see the robber crouching in the passage way, and that the robber was +a large, hulking, villainous looking man, wearing a heavy coat. Gillis +told exactly the same story, having heard the noises at the same +time, except that he first described the robber as a small thin fellow +(peculiarly villainous looking, however, even in the dark), wearing a +short jacket; but on thinking it over, Gillis realized that he had been +wrong about the size of the criminal, and that he was even bigger, if +anything, than what Mr. Pupkin thought. Gillis had fired at the robber; +just at the same moment had Mr. Pupkin. + +Beyond that, all was mystery, absolute and impenetrable. + +By eleven o'clock the detectives had come up from the city under orders +from the head of the bank. + + +I wish you could have seen the two detectives as they moved to and fro +in Mariposa--fine looking, stern, impenetrable men that they were. They +seemed to take in the whole town by instinct and so quietly. They found +their way to Mr. Smith's Hotel just as quietly as if it wasn't design at +all and stood there at the bar, picking up scraps of conversation--you +know the way detectives do it. Occasionally they allowed one or two +bystanders--confederates, perhaps,--to buy a drink for them, and you +could see from the way they drank it that they were still listening for +a clue. If there had been the faintest clue in Smith's Hotel or in the +Mariposa House or in the Continental, those fellows would have been at +it like a flash. + +To see them moving round the town that day--silent, massive, +imperturbable--gave one a great idea of their strange, dangerous +calling. They went about the town all day and yet in such a quiet +peculiar way that you couldn't have realized that they were working at +all. They ate their dinner together at Smith's cafe and took an hour and +a half over it to throw people off the scent. Then when they got them +off it, they sat and talked with Josh Smith in the back bar to keep them +off. Mr. Smith seemed to take to them right away. They were men of his +own size, or near it, and anyway hotel men and detectives have a +general affinity and share in the same impenetrable silence and in their +confidential knowledge of the weaknesses of the public. + +Mr. Smith, too, was of great use to the detectives. "Boys," he said, "I +wouldn't ask too close as to what folks was out late at night: in this +town it don't do." + +When those two great brains finally left for the city on the +five-thirty, it was hard to realize that behind each grand, impassible +face a perfect vortex of clues was seething. + +But if the detectives were heroes, what was Pupkin? Imagine him with +his bandage on his head standing in front of the bank and talking of the +midnight robbery with that peculiar false modesty that only heroes are +entitled to use. + +I don't know whether you have ever been a hero, but for sheer +exhilaration there is nothing like it. And for Mr. Pupkin, who had gone +through life thinking himself no good, to be suddenly exalted into the +class of Napoleon Bonaparte and John Maynard and the Charge of the Light +Brigade--oh, it was wonderful. Because Pupkin was a brave man now and +he knew it and acquired with it all the brave man's modesty. In fact, +I believe he was heard to say that he had only done his duty, and that +what he did was what any other man would have done: though when somebody +else said: "That's so, when you come to think of it," Pupkin turned on +him that quiet look of the wounded hero, bitterer than words. + +And if Pupkin had known that all of the afternoon papers in the city +reported him dead, he would have felt more luxurious still. + +That afternoon the Mariposa court sat in enquiry,--technically it was +summoned in inquest on the dead robber--though they hadn't found the +body--and it was wonderful to see them lining up the witnesses and +holding cross-examinations. There is something in the cross-examination +of great criminal lawyers like Nivens, of Mariposa, and in the counter +examinations of presiding judges like Pepperleigh that thrills you to +the core with the astuteness of it. + +They had Henry Mullins, the manager, on the stand for an hour and a +half, and the excitement was so breathless that you could have heard a +pin drop. Nivens took him on first. + +"What is your name?" he said. + +"Henry August Mullins." + +"What position do you hold?" + +"I am manager of the Exchange Bank." + +"When were you born?" + +"December 30, 1869." + +After that, Nivens stood looking quietly at Mullins. You could feel that +he was thinking pretty deeply before he shot the next question at him. + +"Where did you go to school?" + +Mullins answered straight off: "The high school down home," and Nivens +thought again for a while and then asked: + +"How many boys were at the school?" + +"About sixty." + +"How many masters?" + +"About three." + +After that Nivens paused a long while and seemed to be digesting the +evidence, but at last an idea seemed to strike him and he said: + +"I understand you were not on the bank premises last night. Where were +you?" + +"Down the lake duck shooting." + +You should have seen the excitement in the court when Mullins said this. +The judge leaned forward in his chair and broke in at once. + +"Did you get any, Harry?" he asked. + +"Yes," Mullins said, "about six." + +"Where did you get them? What? In the wild rice marsh past the river? +You don't say so! Did you get them on the sit or how?" + +All of these questions were fired off at the witness from the court in a +single breath. In fact, it was the knowledge that the first ducks of the +season had been seen in the Ossawippi marsh that led to the termination +of the proceedings before the afternoon was a quarter over. Mullins and +George Duff and half the witnesses were off with shotguns as soon as the +court was cleared. + + +I may as well state at once that the full story of the robbery of the +bank of Mariposa never came to the light. A number of arrests--mostly +of vagrants and suspicious characters--were made, but the guilt of the +robbery was never brought home to them. One man was arrested twenty +miles away, at the other end of Missinaba county, who not only +corresponded exactly with the description of the robber, but, in +addition to this, had a wooden leg. Vagrants with one leg are always +regarded with suspicion in places like Mariposa, and whenever a robbery +or a murder happens they are arrested in batches. + +It was never even known just how much money was stolen from the bank. +Some people said ten thousand dollars, others more. The bank, no doubt +for business motives, claimed that the contents of the safe were intact +and that the robber had been foiled in his design. + +But none of this matters to the exaltation of Mr. Pupkin. Good fortune, +like bad, never comes in small instalments. On that wonderful day, every +good thing happened to Peter Pupkin at once. The morning saw him a +hero. At the sitting of the court, the judge publicly told him that his +conduct was fit to rank among the annals of the pioneers of Tecumseh +Township, and asked him to his house for supper. At five o'clock he +received the telegram of promotion from the head office that raised +his salary to a thousand dollars, and made him not only a hero but a +marriageable man. At six o'clock he started up to the judge's house with +his resolution nerved to the most momentous step of his life. + +His mind was made up. + +He would do a thing seldom if ever done in Mariposa. He would propose to +Zena Pepperleigh. In Mariposa this kind of step, I say, is seldom taken. +The course of love runs on and on through all its stages of tennis +playing and dancing and sleigh riding, till by sheer notoriety of +circumstance an understanding is reached. To propose straight out would +be thought priggish and affected and is supposed to belong only to +people in books. + +But Pupkin felt that what ordinary people dare not do, heroes are +allowed to attempt. He would propose to Zena, and more than that, he +would tell her in a straight, manly way that he was rich and take the +consequences. + +And he did it. + +That night on the piazza, where the hammock hangs in the shadow of +the Virginia creeper, he did it. By sheer good luck the judge had +gone indoors to the library, and by a piece of rare good fortune Mrs. +Pepperleigh had gone indoors to the sewing room, and by a happy trick +of coincidence the servant was out and the dog was tied up--in fact, +no such chain of circumstances was ever offered in favour of mortal man +before. + +What Zena said--beyond saying yes--I do not know. I am sure that when +Pupkin told her of the money, she bore up as bravely as so fine a girl +as Zena would, and when he spoke of diamonds she said she would wear +them for his sake. + +They were saying these things and other things--ever so many other +things--when there was such a roar and a clatter up Oneida Street as +you never heard, and there came bounding up to the house one of the most +marvellous Limousine touring cars that ever drew up at the home of a +judge on a modest salary of three thousand dollars. When it stopped +there sprang from it an excited man in a long sealskin coat--worn not +for the luxury of it at all but from the sheer chilliness of the autumn +evening. And it was, as of course you know, Pupkin's father. He had seen +the news of his son's death in the evening paper in the city. They drove +the car through, so the chauffeur said, in two hours and a quarter, and +behind them there was to follow a special trainload of detectives and +emergency men, but Pupkin senior had cancelled all that by telegram half +way up when he heard that Peter was still living. + +For a moment as his eye rested on young Pupkin you would almost have +imagined, had you not known that he came from the Maritime Provinces, +that there were tears in them and that he was about to hug his son to +his heart. But if he didn't hug Peter to his heart, he certainly did +within a few moments clasp Zena to it, in that fine fatherly way in +which they clasp pretty girls in the Maritime Provinces. The strangest +thing is that Pupkin senior seemed to understand the whole situation +without any explanations at all. + +Judge Pepperleigh, I think, would have shaken both of Pupkin senior's +arms off when he saw him; and when you heard them call one another +"Ned" and "Phillip" it made you feel that they were boys again attending +classes together at the old law school in the city. + +If Pupkin thought that his father wouldn't make a hit in Mariposa, +it only showed his ignorance. Pupkin senior sat there on the judge's +verandah smoking a corn cob pipe as if he had never heard of Havana +cigars in his life. In the three days that he spent in Mariposa that +autumn, he went in and out of Jeff Thorpe's barber shop and Eliot's drug +store, shot black ducks in the marsh and played poker every evening at +a hundred matches for a cent as if he had never lived any other life in +all his days. They had to send him telegrams enough to fill a satchel to +make him come away. + +So Pupkin and Zena in due course of time were married, and went to live +in one of the enchanted houses on the hillside in the newer part of the +town, where you may find them to this day. + +You may see Pupkin there at any time cutting enchanted grass on a little +lawn in as gaudy a blazer as ever. + +But if you step up to speak to him or walk with him into the enchanted +house, pray modulate your voice a little musical though it is--for there +is said to be an enchanted baby on the premises whose sleep must not +lightly be disturbed. + + + + +TEN. The Great Election in Missinaba County + +Don't ask me what election it was, whether Dominion or Provincial or +Imperial or Universal, for I scarcely know. + +It must, of course, have been going on in other parts of the country +as well, but I saw it all from Missinaba County which, with the town of +Mariposa, was, of course, the storm centre and focus point of the whole +turmoil. + +I only know that it was a huge election and that on it turned issues of +the most tremendous importance, such as whether or not Mariposa should +become part of the United States, and whether the flag that had waved +over the school house at Tecumseh Township for ten centuries should be +trampled under the hoof of an alien invader, and whether Britons should +be slaves, and whether Canadians should be Britons, and whether the +farming class would prove themselves Canadians, and tremendous questions +of that kind. + +And there was such a roar and a tumult to it, and such a waving of flags +and beating of drums and flaring of torchlights that such parts of the +election as may have been going on elsewhere than in Missinaba county +must have been quite unimportant and didn't really matter. + +Now that it is all over, we can look back at it without heat or passion. +We can see,--it's plain enough now,--that in the great election Canada +saved the British Empire, and that Missinaba saved Canada and that +the vote of the Third Concession of Tecumseh Township saved Missinaba +County, and that those of us who carried the third concession,--well, +there's no need to push it further. We prefer to be modest about it. If +we still speak of it, it is only quietly and simply and not more than +three or four times a day. + +But you can't understand the election at all, and the conventions and +the campaigns and the nominations and the balloting, unless you first +appreciate the peculiar complexion of politics in Mariposa. + +Let me begin at the beginning. Everybody in Mariposa is either a Liberal +or a Conservative or else is both. Some of the people are or have +been Liberals or Conservatives all their lives and are called +dyed-in-the-wool Grits or old-time Tories and things of that sort. These +people get from long training such a swift penetrating insight into +national issues that they can decide the most complicated question in +four seconds: in fact, just as soon as they grab the city papers out of +the morning mail, they know the whole solution of any problem you can +put to them. There are other people whose aim it is to be broad-minded +and judicious and who vote Liberal or Conservative according to their +judgment of the questions of the day. If their judgment of these +questions tells them that there is something in it for them in voting +Liberal, then they do so. But if not, they refuse to be the slaves of a +party or the henchmen of any political leader. So that anybody looking +for henches has got to keep away from them. + +But the one thing that nobody is allowed to do in Mariposa is to have +no politics. Of course there are always some people whose circumstances +compel them to say that they have no politics. But that is easily +understood. Take the case of Trelawney, the postmaster. Long ago he was +a letter carrier under the old Mackenzie Government, and later he was +a letter sorter under the old Macdonald Government, and after that a +letter stamper under the old Tupper Government, and so on. Trelawney +always says that he has no politics, but the truth is that he has too +many. + +So, too, with the clergy in Mariposa. They have no politics--absolutely +none. Yet Dean Drone round election time always announces as his text +such a verse as: "Lo! is there not one righteous man in Israel?" or: +"What ho! is it not time for a change?" And that is a signal for all the +Liberal business men to get up and leave their pews. + +Similarly over at the Presbyterian Church, the minister says that his +sacred calling will not allow him to take part in politics and that +his sacred calling prevents him from breathing even a word of harshness +against his fellow man, but that when it comes to the elevation of the +ungodly into high places in the commonwealth (this means, of course, the +nomination of the Conservative candidate) then he's not going to allow +his sacred calling to prevent him from saying just what he thinks of +it. And by that time, having pretty well cleared the church of +Conservatives, he proceeds to show from the scriptures that the ancient +Hebrews were Liberals to a man, except those who were drowned in the +flood or who perished, more or less deservedly, in the desert. + +There are, I say, some people who are allowed to claim to have no +politics,--the office holders, and the clergy and the school teachers +and the hotel keepers. But beyond them, anybody in Mariposa who says +that he has no politics is looked upon as crooked, and people wonder +what it is that he is "out after." + +In fact, the whole town and county is a hive of politics, and people +who have only witnessed gatherings such as the House of Commons at +Westminster and the Senate at Washington and never seen a Conservative +Convention at Tecumseh Corners or a Liberal Rally at the Concession +school house, don't know what politics means. + +So you may imagine the excitement in Mariposa when it became known that +King George had dissolved the parliament of Canada and had sent out a +writ or command for Missinaba County to elect for him some other person +than John Henry Bagshaw because he no longer had confidence in him. + +The king, of course, is very well known, very favourably known, in +Mariposa. Everybody remembers how he visited the town on his great tour +in Canada, and stopped off at the Mariposa station. Although he was only +a prince at the time, there was quite a big crowd down at the depot and +everybody felt what a shame it was that the prince had no time to see +more of Mariposa, because he would get such a false idea of it, seeing +only the station and the lumber yards. Still, they all came to the +station and all the Liberals and Conservatives mixed together perfectly +freely and stood side by side without any distinction, so that the +prince should not observe any party differences among them. And he +didn't,--you could see that he didn't. They read him an address all +about the tranquillity and loyalty of the Empire, and they purposely +left out any reference to the trouble over the town wharf or the big row +there had been about the location of the new post-office. There was a +general decent feeling that it wouldn't be fair to disturb the prince +with these things: later on, as king, he would, of course, _have_ to +know all about them, but meanwhile it was better to leave him with the +idea that his empire was tranquil. + +So they deliberately couched the address in terms that were just as +reassuring as possible and the prince was simply delighted with it. I +am certain that he slept pretty soundly after hearing that address. Why, +you could see it taking effect even on his aides-de-camp and the people +round him, so imagine how the prince must have felt! + +I think in Mariposa they understand kings perfectly. Every time that +a king or a prince comes, they try to make him see the bright side of +everything and let him think that they're all united. Judge Pepperleigh +walked up and down arm in arm with Dr. Gallagher, the worst Grit in the +town, just to make the prince feel fine. + +So when they got the news that the king had lost confidence in John +Henry Bagshaw, the sitting member, they never questioned it a bit. Lost +confidence? All right, they'd elect him another right away. They'd elect +him half a dozen if he needed them. They don't mind; they'd elect the +whole town man after man rather than have the king worried about it. + +In any case, all the Conservatives had been wondering for years how the +king and the governor-general and men like that had tolerated such a man +as Bagshaw so long. + +Missinaba County, I say, is a regular hive of politics, and not the +miserable, crooked, money-ridden politics of the cities, but the +straight, real old-fashioned thing that is an honour to the country +side. Any man who would offer to take a bribe or sell his convictions +for money, would be an object of scorn. I don't say they wouldn't take +money,--they would, of course, why not?--but if they did they would +take it in a straight fearless way and say nothing about it. They +might,--it's only human,--accept a job or a contract from the +government, but if they did, rest assured it would be in a broad +national spirit and not for the sake of the work itself. No, sir. Not +for a minute. + +Any man who wants to get the votes of the Missinaba farmers and the +Mariposa business men has got to persuade them that he's the right man. +If he can do that,--if he can persuade any one of them that he is the +right man and that all the rest know it, then they'll vote for him. + +The division, I repeat, between the Liberals and the Conservatives, +is intense. Yet you might live for a long while in the town, between +elections, and never know it. It is only when you get to understand +the people that you begin to see that there is a cross division running +through them that nothing can ever remove. You gradually become aware of +fine subtle distinctions that miss your observation at first. Outwardly, +they are all friendly enough. For instance, Joe Milligan the dentist is +a Conservative, and has been for six years, and yet he shares the same +boat-house with young Dr. Gallagher, who is a Liberal, and they even +bought a motor boat between them. Pete Glover and Alf McNichol were in +partnership in the hardware and paint store, though they belonged on +different sides. + +But just as soon as elections drew near, the differences in politics +became perfectly apparent. Liberals and Conservatives drew away from one +another. Joe Milligan used the motor boat one Saturday and Dr. Gallagher +the next, and Pete Glover sold hardware on one side of the store and Alf +McNichol sold paint on the other. You soon realized too that one of the +newspapers was Conservative and the other was Liberal, and that there +was a Liberal drug store and a Conservative drug store, and so on. +Similarly round election time, the Mariposa House was the Liberal Hotel, +and the Continental Conservative, though Mr. Smith's place, where they +always put on a couple of extra bar tenders, was what you might call +Independent-Liberal-Conservative, with a dash of Imperialism thrown in. +Mr. Gingham, the undertaker, was, as a natural effect of his calling, +an advanced Liberal, but at election time he always engaged a special +assistant for embalming Conservative customers. + +So now, I think, you understand something of the general political +surroundings of the great election in Missinaba County. + +John Henry Bagshaw was the sitting member, the Liberal member, for +Missinaba County. + +The Liberals called him the old war horse, and the old battle-axe, and +the old charger and the old champion and all sorts of things of that +kind. The Conservatives called him the old jackass and the old army mule +and the old booze fighter and the old grafter and the old scoundrel. + +John Henry Bagshaw was, I suppose, one of the greatest political forces +in the world. He had flowing white hair crowned with a fedora hat, and a +smooth statesmanlike face which it cost the country twenty-five cents a +day to shave. + +Altogether the Dominion of Canada had spent over two thousand dollars in +shaving that face during the twenty years that Bagshaw had represented +Missinaba County. But the result had been well worth it. + +Bagshaw wore a long political overcoat that it cost the country twenty +cents a day to brush, and boots that cost the Dominion fifteen cents +every morning to shine. + +But it was money well spent. + +Bagshaw of Mariposa was one of the most representative men of the age, +and it's no wonder that he had been returned for the county for five +elections running, leaving the Conservatives nowhere. Just think how +representative he was. He owned two hundred acres out on the Third +Concession and kept two men working on it all the time to prove that he +was a practical farmer. They sent in fat hogs to the Missinaba County +Agricultural Exposition and the World's Fair every autumn, and Bagshaw +himself stood beside the pig pens with the judges, and wore a pair of +corduroy breeches and chewed a straw all afternoon. After that if any +farmer thought that he was not properly represented in Parliament, it +showed that he was an ass. + +Bagshaw owned a half share in the harness business and a quarter share +in the tannery and that made him a business man. He paid for a pew in +the Presbyterian Church and that represented religion in Parliament. He +attended college for two sessions thirty years ago, and that represented +education and kept him abreast with modern science, if not ahead of it. +He kept a little account in one bank and a big account in the other, so +that he was a rich man or a poor man at the same time. + +Add to that that John Henry Bagshaw was perhaps the finest orator in +Mariposa. That, of course, is saying a great deal. There are speakers +there, lots of them that can talk two or three hours at a stretch, but +the old war horse could beat them all. They say that when John Henry +Bagshaw got well started, say after a couple of hours of talk, he could +speak as Pericles or Demosthenes or Cicero never could have spoken. + +You could tell Bagshaw a hundred yards off as a member of the House +of Commons. He wore a pepper-and-salt suit to show that he came from a +rural constituency, and he wore a broad gold watch-chain with dangling +seals to show that he also represents a town. You could see from his +quiet low collar and white tie that his electorate were a Godfearing, +religious people, while the horseshoe pin that he wore showed that his +electorate were not without sporting instincts and knew a horse from a +jackass. + +Most of the time, John Henry Bagshaw had to be at Ottawa (though he +preferred the quiet of his farm and always left it, as he said, with a +sigh). If he was not in Ottawa, he was in Washington, and of course at +any time they might need him in London, so that it was no wonder that he +could only be in Mariposa about two months of the year. + +That is why everybody knew, when Bagshaw got off the afternoon train +one day early in the spring, that there must be something very important +coming and that the rumours about a new election must be perfectly true. + +Everything that he did showed this. He gave the baggage man twenty-five +cents to take the check off his trunk, the 'bus driver fifty cents to +drive him up to the Main Street, and he went into Callahan's tobacco +store and bought two ten-cent cigars and took them across the street and +gave them to Mallory Tompkins of the Times-Herald as a present from the +Prime Minister. + +All that afternoon, Bagshaw went up and down the Main Street of +Mariposa, and you could see, if you knew the signs of it, that there was +politics in the air. He bought nails and putty and glass in the hardware +store, and harness in the harness shop, and drugs in the drug store and +toys in the toy shop, and all the things like that that are needed for a +big campaign. + +Then when he had done all this he went over with McGinnis the Liberal +organizer and Mallory Tompkins, the Times-Herald man, and Gingham +(the great Independent-Liberal undertaker) to the back parlour in the +Mariposa House. + +You could tell from the way John Henry Bagshaw closed the door before he +sat down that he was in a pretty serious frame of mind. + +"Gentlemen," he said, "the election is a certainty. We're going to have +a big fight on our hands and we've got to get ready for it." + +"Is it going to be on the tariff?" asked Tompkins. + +"Yes, gentlemen, I'm afraid it is. The whole thing is going to turn on +the tariff question. I wish it were otherwise. I think it madness, but +they're bent on it, and we got to fight it on that line. Why they can't +fight it merely on the question of graft," continued the old war horse, +rising from his seat and walking up and down, "Heaven only knows. I +warned them. I appealed to them. I said, fight the thing on graft and we +can win easy. Take this constituency,--why not have fought the thing out +on whether I spent too much money on the town wharf or the post-office? +What better issues could a man want? Let them claim that I am crooked +and let me claim that I'm not. Surely that was good enough without +dragging in the tariff. But now, gentlemen, tell me about things in the +constituency. Is there any talk yet of who is to run?" + +Mallory Tompkins lighted up the second of his Prime Minister's cigars +and then answered for the group: + +"Everybody says that Edward Drone is going to run." + +"Ah!" said the old war horse, and there was joy upon his face, "is he? +At last! That's good, that's good--now what platform will he run on?" + +"Independent." + +"Excellent," said Mr. Bagshaw. "Independent, that's fine. On a programme +of what?" + +"Just simple honesty and public morality." + +"Come now," said the member, "that's splendid: that will help +enormously. Honesty and public morality! The very thing! If Drone runs +and makes a good showing, we win for a certainty. Tompkins, you must +lose no time over this. Can't you manage to get some articles in the +other papers hinting that at the last election we bribed all the voters +in the county, and that we gave out enough contracts to simply pervert +the whole constituency. Imply that we poured the public money into this +county in bucketsful and that we are bound to do it again. Let Drone +have plenty of material of this sort and he'll draw off every honest +unbiased vote in the Conservative party. + +"My only fear is," continued the old war horse, losing some of his +animation, "that Drone won't run after all. He's said it so often +before and never has. He hasn't got the money. But we must see to that. +Gingham, you know his brother well; you must work it so that we pay +Drone's deposit and his campaign expenses. But how like Drone it is to +come out at this time!" + +It was indeed very like Edward Drone to attempt so misguided a thing as +to come out an Independent candidate in Missinaba County on a platform +of public honesty. It was just the sort of thing that anyone in Mariposa +would expect from him. + +Edward Drone was the Rural Dean's younger brother,--young Mr. Drone, +they used to call him, years ago, to distinguish him from the rector. +He was a somewhat weaker copy of his elder brother, with a simple, +inefficient face and kind blue eyes. Edward Drone was, and always had +been, a failure. In training he had been, once upon a time, an engineer +and built dams that broke and bridges that fell down and wharves that +floated away in the spring floods. He had been a manufacturer and +failed, had been a contractor and failed, and now lived a meagre life as +a sort of surveyor or land expert on goodness knows what. + +In his political ideas Edward Drone was and, as everybody in Mariposa +knew, always had been crazy. He used to come up to the autumn exercises +at the high school and make speeches about the ancient Romans and Titus +Manlius and Quintus Curtius at the same time when John Henry Bagshaw +used to make a speech about the Maple Leaf and ask for an extra half +holiday. Drone used to tell the boys about the lessons to be learned +from the lives of the truly great, and Bagshaw used to talk to them +about the lessons learned from the lives of the extremely rich. Drone +used to say that his heart filled whenever he thought of the splendid +patriotism of the ancient Romans, and Bagshaw said that whenever he +looked out over this wide Dominion his heart overflowed. + +Even the youngest boy in the school could tell that Drone was foolish. +Not even the school teachers would have voted for him. + +"What about the Conservatives?" asked Bagshaw presently; "is there any +talk yet as to who they'll bring out?" Gingham and Mallory Tompkins +looked at one another. They were almost afraid to speak. + +"Hadn't you heard?" said Gingham; "they've got their man already." + +"Who is it?" said Bagshaw quickly. "They're going to put up Josh Smith." + +"Great Heaven!" said Bagshaw, jumping to his feet; "Smith! the hotel +keeper." + +"Yes, sir," said Mr. Gingham, "that's the man." + +Do you remember, in history, how Napoleon turned pale when he heard +that the Duke of Wellington was to lead the allies in Belgium? Do you +remember how when Themistocles heard that Aristogiton was to lead the +Spartans, he jumped into the sea? Possibly you don't, but it may help +you to form some idea of what John Henry Bagshaw felt when he heard that +the Conservatives had selected Josh Smith, proprietor of Smith's Hotel. + +You remember Smith. You've seen him there on the steps of his +hotel,--two hundred and eighty pounds in his stockinged feet. You've +seen him selling liquor after hours through sheer public spirit, and you +recall how he saved the lives of hundreds of people on the day when the +steamer sank, and how he saved the town from being destroyed the night +when the Church of England Church burnt down. You know that hotel of +his, too, half way down the street, Smith's Northern Health Resort, +though already they were beginning to call it Smith's British Arms. + +So you can imagine that Bagshaw came as near to turning pale as a man in +federal politics can. + +"I never knew Smith was a Conservative," he said faintly; "he always +subscribed to our fund." + +"He is now," said Mr. Gingham ominously; "he says the idea of this +reciprocity business cuts him to the heart." + +"The infernal liar!" said Mr. Bagshaw. + +There was silence for a few moments. Then Bagshaw spoke again. + +"Will Smith have anything else in his platform besides the trade +question?" + +"Yes," said Mr. Gingham gloomily, "he will." + +"What is it?" + +"Temperance and total prohibition!" + +John Henry Bagshaw sank back in his chair as if struck with a club. +There let me leave him for a chapter. + + + + +ELEVEN. The Candidacy of Mr. Smith + +"Boys," said Mr. Smith to the two hostlers, stepping out on to the +sidewalk in front of the hotel,--"hoist that there British Jack over the +place and hoist her up good." + +Then he stood and watched the flag fluttering in the wind. + +"Billy," he said to the desk clerk, "get a couple more and put them up +on the roof of the caff behind the hotel. Wire down to the city and get +a quotation on a hundred of them. Take them signs 'American Drinks' out +of the bar. Put up noo ones with 'British Beer at all Hours'; clear out +the rye whiskey and order in Scotch and Irish, and then go up to the +printing office and get me them placards." + +Then another thought struck Mr. Smith. + +"Say, Billy," he said, "wire to the city for fifty pictures of King +George. Get 'em good, and get 'em coloured. It don't matter what they +cost." + +"All right, sir," said Billy. + +"And Billy," called Mr. Smith, as still another thought struck him +(indeed, the moment Mr. Smith went into politics you could see these +thoughts strike him like waves), "get fifty pictures of his father, old +King Albert." + +"All right, sir." + +"And say, I tell you, while you're at it, get some of the old queen, +Victorina, if you can. Get 'em in mourning, with a harp and one of them +lions and a three-pointed prong." + +It was on the morning after the Conservative Convention. Josh Smith had +been chosen the candidate. And now the whole town was covered with flags +and placards and there were bands in the streets every evening, and +noise and music and excitement that went on from morning till night. + +Election times are exciting enough even in the city. But there the +excitement dies down in business hours. In Mariposa there aren't any +business hours and the excitement goes on _all_ the time. + +Mr. Smith had carried the Convention before him. There had been a feeble +attempt to put up Nivens. But everybody knew that he was a lawyer and a +college man and wouldn't have a chance by a man with a broader outlook +like Josh Smith. + +So the result was that Smith was the candidate and there were placards +out all over the town with SMITH AND BRITISH ALLEGIANCE in big letters, +and people were wearing badges with Mr. Smith's face on one side and +King George's on the other, and the fruit store next to the hotel had +been cleaned out and turned into committee rooms with a gang of workers +smoking cigars in it all day and half the night. + +There were other placards, too, with BAGSHAW AND LIBERTY, BAGSHAW AND +PROSPERITY, VOTE FOR THE OLD MISSINABA STANDARD BEARER, and up town +beside the Mariposa House there were the Bagshaw committee rooms with +a huge white streamer across the street, and with a gang of Bagshaw +workers smoking their heads off. + +But Mr. Smith had an estimate made which showed that nearly two cigars +to one were smoked in his committee rooms as compared with the Liberals. +It was the first time in five elections that the Conservative had been +able to make such a showing as that. + +One might mention, too, that there were Drone placards out,--five or six +of them,--little things about the size of a pocket handkerchief, with a +statement that "Mr. Edward Drone solicits the votes of the electors of +Missinaba County." But you would never notice them. And when Drone tried +to put up a streamer across the Main Street with DRONE AND HONESTY the +wind carried it away into the lake. + +The fight was really between Smith and Bagshaw, and everybody knew it +from the start. + +I wish that I were able to narrate all the phases and the turns of the +great contest from the opening of the campaign till the final polling +day. But it would take volumes. + +First of all, of course, the trade question was hotly discussed in the +two newspapers of Mariposa, and the Newspacket and the Times-Herald +literally bristled with statistics. Then came interviews with the +candidates and the expression of their convictions in regard to tariff +questions. + +"Mr. Smith," said the reporter of the Mariposa Newspacket, "we'd like +to get your views of the effect of the proposed reduction of the +differential duties." + +"By gosh, Pete," said Mr. Smith, "you can search me. Have a cigar." + +"What do you think, Mr. Smith, would be the result of lowering the _ad +valorem_ British preference and admitting American goods at a reciprocal +rate?" + +"It's a corker, ain't it?" answered Mr. Smith. "What'll you take, lager +or domestic?" + +And in that short dialogue Mr. Smith showed that he had instantaneously +grasped the whole method of dealing with the press. The interview in the +paper next day said that Mr. Smith, while unwilling to state positively +that the principle of tariff discrimination was at variance with sound +fiscal science, was firmly of opinion that any reciprocal interchange +of tariff preferences with the United States must inevitably lead to a +serious per capita reduction of the national industry. + + +"Mr. Smith," said the chairman of a delegation of the manufacturers of +Mariposa, "what do you propose to do in regard to the tariff if you're +elected?" + +"Boys," answered Mr. Smith, "I'll put her up so darned high they won't +never get her down again." + + +"Mr. Smith," said the chairman of another delegation, "I'm an old free +trader--" + +"Put it there," said Mr. Smith, "so'm I. There ain't nothing like it." + + +"What do you think about imperial defence?" asked another questioner. + +"Which?" said Mr. Smith. + +"Imperial defence." + +"Of what?" + +"Of everything." + +"Who says it?" said Mr. Smith. + +"Everybody is talking of it." + +"What do the Conservative boys at Ottaway think about it?" answered Mr. +Smith. + +"They're all for it." + +"Well, I'm fer it too," said Mr. Smith. + + +These little conversations represented only the first stage, the +argumentative stage of the great contest. It was during this period, for +example, that the Mariposa Newspacket absolutely proved that the price +of hogs in Mariposa was decimal six higher than the price of oranges in +Southern California and that the average decennial import of eggs into +Missinaba County had increased four decimal six eight two in the last +fifteen years more than the import of lemons in New Orleans. + +Figures of this kind made the people think. Most certainly. + +After all this came the organizing stage and after that the big public +meetings and the rallies. Perhaps you have never seen a county being +"organized." It is a wonderful sight. + +First of all the Bagshaw men drove through crosswise in top buggies and +then drove through it again lengthwise. Whenever they met a farmer they +went in and ate a meal with him, and after the meal they took him out to +the buggy and gave him a drink. After that the man's vote was absolutely +solid until it was tampered with by feeding a Conservative. + +In fact, the only way to show a farmer that you are in earnest is to go +in and eat a meal with him. If you won't eat it, he won't vote for you. +That is the recognized political test. + +But, of course, just as soon as the Bagshaw men had begun to get the +farming vote solidified, the Smith buggies came driving through in the +other direction, eating meals and distributing cigars and turning all +the farmers back into Conservatives. + +Here and there you might see Edward Drone, the Independent candidate, +wandering round from farm to farm in the dust of the political buggies. +To each of the farmers he explained that he pledged himself to give no +bribes, to spend no money and to offer no jobs, and each one of them +gripped him warmly by the hand and showed him the way to the next farm. + +After the organization of the county there came the period of the public +meetings and the rallies and the joint debates between the candidates +and their supporters. + +I suppose there was no place in the whole Dominion where the trade +question--the Reciprocity question--was threshed out quite so thoroughly +and in quite such a national patriotic spirit as in Mariposa. For a +month, at least, people talked of nothing else. A man would stop another +in the street and tell him that he had read last night that the average +price of an egg in New York was decimal ought one more than the price of +an egg in Mariposa, and the other man would stop the first one later in +the day and tell him that the average price of a hog in Idaho was point +six of a cent per pound less (or more,--he couldn't remember which for +the moment) than the average price of beef in Mariposa. + +People lived on figures of this sort, and the man who could remember +most of them stood out as a born leader. + +But of course it was at the public meetings that these things were most +fully discussed. It would take volumes to do full justice to all the +meetings that they held in Missinaba County. But here and there single +speeches stood out as masterpieces of convincing oratory. Take, for +example, the speech of John Henry Bagshaw at the Tecumseh Corners School +House. The Mariposa Times-Herald said next day that that speech would go +down in history, and so it will,--ever so far down. + +Anyone who has heard Bagshaw knows what an impressive speaker he is, and +on this night when he spoke with the quiet dignity of a man old in years +and anxious only to serve his country, he almost surpassed himself. Near +the end of his speech somebody dropped a pin, and the noise it made in +falling fairly rattled the windows. + +"I am an old man now, gentlemen," Bagshaw said, "and the time must soon +come when I must not only leave politics, but must take my way towards +that goal from which no traveller returns." + +There was a deep hush when Bagshaw said this. It was understood to imply +that he thought of going to the United States. + +"Yes, gentlemen, I am an old man, and I wish, when my time comes to go, +to depart leaving as little animosity behind me as possible. But before +I _do_ go, I want it pretty clearly understood that there are more darn +scoundrels in the Conservative party than ought to be tolerated in any +decent community. I bear," he continued, "malice towards none and I wish +to speak with gentleness to all, but what I will say is that how any +set of rational responsible men could nominate such a skunk as the +Conservative candidate passes the bounds of my comprehension. Gentlemen, +in the present campaign there is no room for vindictive abuse. Let us +rise to a higher level than that. They tell me that my opponent, Smith, +is a common saloon keeper. Let it pass. They tell me that he has stood +convicted of horse stealing, that he is a notable perjurer, that he is +known as the blackest-hearted liar in Missinaba County. Let us not speak +of it. Let no whisper of it pass our lips. + +"No, gentlemen," continued Bagshaw, pausing to take a drink of water, +"let us rather consider this question on the high plane of national +welfare. Let us not think of our own particular interests but let +us consider the good of the country at large. And to do this, let me +present to you some facts in regard to the price of barley in Tecumseh +Township." + +Then, amid a deep stillness, Bagshaw read off the list of prices of +sixteen kinds of grain in sixteen different places during sixteen years. + +"But let me turn," Bagshaw went on to another phase of the national +subject, "and view for a moment the price of marsh hay in Missinaba +County--" + +When Bagshaw sat down that night it was felt that a Liberal vote in +Tecumseh Township was a foregone conclusion. + +But here they hadn't reckoned on the political genius of Mr. Smith. +When he heard next day of the meeting, he summoned some of his leading +speakers to him and he said: + +"Boys, they're beating us on them statissicks. Ourn ain't good enough." + +Then he turned to Nivens and he said: + +"What was them figures you had here the other night?" + +Nivens took out a paper and began reading. + +"Stop," said Mr. Smith, "what was that figure for bacon?" + +"Fourteen million dollars," said Nivens. + +"Not enough," said Mr. Smith, "make it twenty. They'll stand for it, +them farmers." + +Nivens changed it. + +"And what was that for hay?" + +"Two dollars a ton." + +"Shove it up to four," said Mr. Smith: "And I tell you," he added, "if +any of them farmers says the figures ain't correct, tell them to go to +Washington and see for themselves; say that if any man wants the proof +of your figures let him go over to England and ask,--tell him to go +straight to London and see it all for himself in the books." + + +After this, there was no more trouble over statistics. I must say though +that it is a wonderfully convincing thing to hear trade figures of this +kind properly handled. Perhaps the best man on this sort of thing in the +campaign was Mullins, the banker. A man of his profession simply has to +have figures of trade and population and money at his fingers' ends and +the effect of it in public speaking is wonderful. + +No doubt you have listened to speakers of this kind, but I question +whether you have ever heard anything more typical of the sort of effect +that I allude to than Mullins's speech at the big rally at the Fourth +Concession. + +Mullins himself, of course, knows the figures so well that he never +bothers to write them into notes and the effect is very striking. + +"Now, gentlemen," he said very earnestly, "how many of you know just to +what extent the exports of this country have increased in the last ten +years? How many could tell what per cent. of increase there has been in +one decade of our national importation?"--then Mullins paused and looked +round. Not a man knew it. + +"I don't recall," he said, "exactly the precise amount myself,--not at +this moment,--but it must be simply tremendous. Or take the question of +population," Mullins went on, warming up again as a born statistician +always does at the proximity of figures, "how many of you know, how many +of you can state, what has been the decennial percentage increase in our +leading cities--?" + +There he paused, and would you believe it, not a man could state it. + +"I don't recall the exact figures," said Mullins, "but I have them at +home and they are positively colossal." + +But just in one phase of the public speaking, the candidacy of Mr. Smith +received a serious set-back. + +It had been arranged that Mr. Smith should run on a platform of total +prohibition. But they soon found that it was a mistake. They had +imported a special speaker from the city, a grave man with a white tie, +who put his whole heart into the work and would take nothing for it +except his expenses and a sum of money for each speech. But beyond the +money, I say, he would take nothing. + +He spoke one night at the Tecumseh Corners social hall at the same time +when the Liberal meeting was going on at the Tecumseh Corners school +house. + +"Gentlemen," he said, as he paused half way in his speech,--"while we +are gathered here in earnest discussion, do you know what is happening +over at the meeting place of our opponents? Do you know that seventeen +bottles of rye whiskey were sent out from the town this afternoon +to that innocent and unsuspecting school house? Seventeen bottles of +whiskey hidden in between the blackboard and the wall, and every single +man that attends that meeting,--mark my words, every single man,--will +drink his fill of the abominable stuff at the expense of the Liberal +candidate!" + +Just as soon as the speaker said this, you could see the Smith men at +the meeting look at one another in injured surprise, and before the +speech was half over the hall was practically emptied. + +After that the total prohibition plank was changed and the committee +substituted a declaration in favour of such a form of restrictive +license as should promote temperance while encouraging the manufacture +of spirituous liquors, and by a severe regulation of the liquor traffic +should place intoxicants only in the hands of those fitted to use them. + + +Finally there came the great day itself, the Election Day that brought, +as everybody knows, the crowning triumph of Mr. Smith's career. There is +no need to speak of it at any length, because it has become a matter of +history. + +In any case, everybody who has ever seen Mariposa knows just what +election day is like. The shops, of course, are, as a matter of custom, +all closed, and the bar rooms are all closed by law so that you have to +go in by the back way. All the people are in their best clothes and at +first they walk up and down the street in a solemn way just as they do +on the twelfth of July and on St. Patrick's Day, before the fun begins. +Everybody keeps looking in at the different polling places to see if +anybody else has voted yet, because, of course, nobody cares to vote +first for fear of being fooled after all and voting on the wrong side. + +Most of all did the supporters of Mr. Smith, acting under his +instructions, hang back from the poll in the early hours. To Mr. Smith's +mind, voting was to be conducted on the same plan as bear-shooting. + +"Hold back your votes, boys," he said, "and don't be too eager. Wait +till she begins to warm up and then let 'em have it good and hard." + +In each of the polling places in Mariposa there is a returning officer +and with him are two scrutineers, and the electors, I say, peep in and +out like mice looking into a trap. But if once the scrutineers get a man +well into the polling booth, they push him in behind a little curtain +and make him vote. The voting, of course, is by secret ballot, so that +no one except the scrutineers and the returning officer and the two or +three people who may be round the poll can possibly tell how a man has +voted. + +That's how it comes about that the first results are often so +contradictory and conflicting. Sometimes the poll is badly arranged +and the scrutineers are unable to see properly just how the ballots +are being marked and they count up the Liberals and Conservatives in +different ways. Often, too, a voter makes his mark so hurriedly and +carelessly that they have to pick it out of the ballot box and look at +it to see what it is. + +I suppose that may have been why it was that in Mariposa the results +came out at first in such a conflicting way. Perhaps that was how it +was that the first reports showed that Edward Drone the Independent +candidate was certain to win. You should have seen how the excitement +grew upon the streets when the news was circulated. In the big rallies +and meetings of the Liberals and Conservatives, everybody had pretty +well forgotten all about Drone, and when the news got round at about +four o'clock that the Drone vote was carrying the poll, the people were +simply astounded. Not that they were not pleased. On the contrary. +They were delighted. Everybody came up to Drone and shook hands and +congratulated him and told him that they had known all along that what +the country wanted was a straight, honest, non-partisan representation. +The Conservatives said openly that they were sick of party, utterly done +with it, and the Liberals said that they hated it. Already three or four +of them had taken Drone aside and explained that what was needed in the +town was a straight, clean, non-partisan post-office, built on a piece +of ground of a strictly non-partisan character, and constructed under +contracts that were not tainted and smirched with party affiliation. Two +or three men were willing to show to Drone just where a piece of ground +of this character could be bought. They told him too that in the matter +of the postmastership itself they had nothing against Trelawney, the +present postmaster, in any personal sense, and would say nothing against +him except merely that he was utterly and hopelessly unfit for his job +and that if Drone believed, as he had said he did, in a purified civil +service, he ought to begin by purifying Trelawney. + +Already Edward Drone was beginning to feel something of what it meant +to hold office and there was creeping into his manner the quiet +self-importance which is the first sign of conscious power. + +In fact, in that brief half-hour of office, Drone had a chance to +see something of what it meant. Henry McGinnis came to him and asked +straight out for a job as federal census-taker on the ground that he +was hard up and had been crippled with rheumatism all winter. Nelson +Williamson asked for the post of wharf master on the plea that he +had been laid up with sciatica all winter and was absolutely fit for +nothing. Erasmus Archer asked him if he could get his boy Pete into one +of the departments at Ottawa, and made a strong case of it by explaining +that he had tried his cussedest to get Pete a job anywhere else and it +was simply impossible. Not that Pete wasn't a willing boy, but he was +slow,--even his father admitted it,--slow as the devil, blast him, and +with no head for figures and unfortunately he'd never had the schooling +to bring him on. But if Drone could get him in at Ottawa, his father +truly believed it would be the very place for him. Surely in the Indian +Department or in the Astronomical Branch or in the New Canadian Navy +there must be any amount of opening for a boy like this? And to all of +these requests Drone found himself explaining that he would take the +matter under his very earnest consideration and that they must remember +that he had to consult his colleagues and not merely follow the dictates +of his own wishes. In fact, if he had ever in his life had any envy of +Cabinet Ministers, he lost it in this hour. + +But Drone's hour was short. Even before the poll had closed in Mariposa, +the news came sweeping in, true or false, that Bagshaw was carrying +the county. The second concession had gone for Bagshaw in a regular +landslide, six votes to only two for Smith,--and all down the township +line road (where the hay farms are) Bagshaw was said to be carrying all +before him. + +Just as soon as that news went round the town, they launched the +Mariposa band of the Knights of Pythias (every man in it is a Liberal) +down the Main Street with big red banners in front of it with the motto +BAGSHAW FOREVER in letters a foot high. Such rejoicing and enthusiasm +began to set in as you never saw. Everybody crowded round Bagshaw on the +steps of the Mariposa House and shook his hand and said they were proud +to see the day and that the Liberal party was the glory of the Dominion +and that as for this idea of non-partisan politics the very thought +of it made them sick. Right away in the committee rooms they began +to organize the demonstration for the evening with lantern slides and +speeches and they arranged for a huge bouquet to be presented to Bagshaw +on the platform by four little girls (all Liberals) all dressed in +white. + +And it was just at this juncture, with one hour of voting left, that +Mr. Smith emerged from his committee rooms and turned his voters on the +town, much as the Duke of Wellington sent the whole line to the charge +at Waterloo. From every committee room and sub-committee room they +poured out in flocks with blue badges fluttering on their coats. + +"Get at it, boys," said Mr. Smith, "vote and keep on voting till they +make you quit." + +Then he turned to his campaign assistant. "Billy," he said, "wire down +to the city that I'm elected by an overwhelming majority and tell them +to wire it right back. Send word by telephone to all the polling places +in the county that the hull town has gone solid Conservative and tell +them to send the same news back here. Get carpenters and tell them to +run up a platform in front of the hotel; tell them to take the bar door +clean off its hinges and be all ready the minute the poll quits." + +It was that last hour that did it. Just as soon as the big posters +went up in the windows of the Mariposa Newspacket with the telegraphic +despatch that Josh Smith was reported in the city to be elected, and was +followed by the messages from all over the county, the voters hesitated +no longer. They had waited, most of them, all through the day, not +wanting to make any error in their vote, but when they saw the Smith men +crowding into the polls and heard the news from the outside, they went +solid in one great stampede, and by the time the poll was declared +closed at five o'clock there was no shadow of doubt that the county was +saved and that Josh Smith was elected for Missinaba. + + +I wish you could have witnessed the scene in Mariposa that evening. It +would have done your heart good,--such joy, such public rejoicing as you +never saw. It turned out that there wasn't really a Liberal in the whole +town and that there never had been. They were all Conservatives and had +been for years and years. Men who had voted, with pain and sorrow in +their hearts, for the Liberal party for twenty years, came out that +evening and owned up straight that they were Conservatives. They +said they could stand the strain no longer and simply had to confess. +Whatever the sacrifice might mean, they were prepared to make it. + +Even Mr. Golgotha Gingham, the undertaker, came out and admitted that +in working for John Henry Bagshaw he'd been going straight against his +conscience. He said that right from the first he had had his misgivings. +He said it had haunted him. Often at night when he would be working away +quietly, one of these sudden misgivings would overcome him so that he +could hardly go on with his embalming. Why, it appeared that on the very +first day when reciprocity was proposed, he had come home and said to +Mrs. Gingham that he thought it simply meant selling out the country. +And the strange thing was that ever so many others had just the same +misgivings. Trelawney admitted that he had said to Mrs. Trelawney that +it was madness, and Jeff Thorpe, the barber, had, he admitted, gone home +to his dinner, the first day reciprocity was talked of, and said to Mrs. +Thorpe that it would simply kill business in the country and introduce +a cheap, shoddy, American form of haircut that would render true loyalty +impossible. To think that Mrs. Gingham and Mrs. Trelawney and Mrs. +Thorpe had known all this for six months and kept quiet about it! Yet I +think there were a good many Mrs. Ginghams in the country. It is merely +another proof that no woman is fit for politics. + + +The demonstration that night in Mariposa will never be forgotten. The +excitement in the streets, the torchlights, the music of the band of +the Knights of Pythias (an organization which is conservative in all but +name), and above all the speeches and the patriotism. + +They had put up a big platform in front of the hotel, and on it were +Mr. Smith and his chief workers, and behind them was a perfect forest of +flags. They presented a huge bouquet of flowers to Mr. Smith, handed to +him by four little girls in white,--the same four that I spoke of above, +for it turned out that they were all Conservatives. + +Then there were the speeches. Judge Pepperleigh spoke and said that +there was no need to dwell on the victory that they had achieved, +because it was history; there was no occasion to speak of what part he +himself had played, within the limits of his official position, because +what he had done was henceforth a matter of history; and Nivens, the +lawyer, said that he would only say just a few words, because anything +that he might have done was now history; later generations, he said, +might read it but it was not for him to speak of it, because it belonged +now to the history of the country. And, after them, others spoke in the +same strain and all refused absolutely to dwell on the subject (for more +than half an hour) on the ground that anything that they might have done +was better left for future generations to investigate. And no doubt this +was very true, as to some things, anyway. + +Mr. Smith, of course, said nothing. He didn't have to,--not for four +years,--and he knew it. + + + + +TWELVE. L'Envoi. The Train to Mariposa + +It leaves the city every day about five o'clock in the evening, the +train for Mariposa. + +Strange that you did not know of it, though you come from the little +town--or did, long years ago. + +Odd that you never knew, in all these years, that the train was there +every afternoon, puffing up steam in the city station, and that you +might have boarded it any day and gone home. No, not "home,"--of course +you couldn't call it "home" now; "home" means that big red sandstone +house of yours in the costlier part of the city. "Home" means, in a way, +this Mausoleum Club where you sometimes talk with me of the times that +you had as a boy in Mariposa. + +But of course "home" would hardly be the word you would apply to the +little town, unless perhaps, late at night, when you'd been sitting +reading in a quiet corner somewhere such a book as the present one. + +Naturally you don't know of the Mariposa train now. Years ago, when you +first came to the city as a boy with your way to make, you knew of it +well enough, only too well. The price of a ticket counted in those days, +and though you knew of the train you couldn't take it, but sometimes +from sheer homesickness you used to wander down to the station on a +Friday afternoon after your work, and watch the Mariposa people getting +on the train and wish that you could go. + +Why, you knew that train at one time better, I suppose, than any other +single thing in the city, and loved it too for the little town in the +sunshine that it ran to. + +Do you remember how when you first began to make money you used to plan +that just as soon as you were rich, really rich, you'd go back home +again to the little town and build a great big house with a fine +verandah,--no stint about it, the best that money could buy, planed +lumber, every square foot of it, and a fine picket fence in front of it. + +It was to be one of the grandest and finest houses that thought +could conceive; much finer, in true reality, than that vast palace of +sandstone with the porte cochere and the sweeping conservatories that +you afterwards built in the costlier part of the city. + +But if you have half forgotten Mariposa, and long since lost the way to +it, you are only like the greater part of the men here in this Mausoleum +Club in the city. Would you believe it that practically every one of +them came from Mariposa once upon a time, and that there isn't one of +them that doesn't sometimes dream in the dull quiet of the long evening +here in the club, that some day he will go back and see the place. + +They all do. Only they're half ashamed to own it. + +Ask your neighbour there at the next table whether the partridge that +they sometimes serve to you here can be compared for a moment to the +birds that he and you, or he and some one else, used to shoot as boys in +the spruce thickets along the lake. Ask him if he ever tasted duck that +could for a moment be compared to the black ducks in the rice marsh +along the Ossawippi. And as for fish, and fishing,--no, don't ask him +about that, for if he ever starts telling you of the chub they used +to catch below the mill dam and the green bass that used to lie in the +water-shadow of the rocks beside the Indian's Island, not even the long +dull evening in this club would be long enough for the telling of it. + +But no wonder they don't know about the five o'clock train for Mariposa. +Very few people know about it. Hundreds of them know that there is a +train that goes out at five o'clock, but they mistake it. Ever so many +of them think it's just a suburban train. Lots of people that take it +every day think it's only the train to the golf grounds, but the joke +is that after it passes out of the city and the suburbs and the golf +grounds, it turns itself little by little into the Mariposa train, +thundering and pounding towards the north with hemlock sparks pouring +out into the darkness from the funnel of it. + +Of course you can't tell it just at first. All those people that are +crowding into it with golf clubs, and wearing knickerbockers and flat +caps, would deceive anybody. That crowd of suburban people going home +on commutation tickets and sometimes standing thick in the aisles, those +are, of course, not Mariposa people. But look round a little bit and +you'll find them easily enough. Here and there in the crowd those people +with the clothes that are perfectly all right and yet look odd in some +way, the women with the peculiar hats and the--what do you say?--last +year's fashions? Ah yes, of course, that must be it. + +Anyway, those are the Mariposa people all right enough. That man with +the two-dollar panama and the glaring spectacles is one of the greatest +judges that ever adorned the bench of Missinaba County. That clerical +gentleman with the wide black hat, who is explaining to the man with +him the marvellous mechanism of the new air brake (one of the most +conspicuous illustrations of the divine structure of the physical +universe), surely you have seen him before. Mariposa people! Oh yes, +there are any number of them on the train every day. + +But of course you hardly recognize them while the train is still passing +through the suburbs and the golf district and the outlying parts of the +city area. But wait a little, and you will see that when the city +is well behind you, bit by bit the train changes its character. The +electric locomotive that took you through the city tunnels is off now +and the old wood engine is hitched on in its place. I suppose, very +probably, you haven't seen one of these wood engines since you were a +boy forty years ago,--the old engine with a wide top like a hat on its +funnel, and with sparks enough to light up a suit for damages once in +every mile. + +Do you see, too, that the trim little cars that came out of the city +on the electric suburban express are being discarded now at the way +stations, one by one, and in their place is the old familiar car with +the stuff cushions in red plush (how gorgeous it once seemed!) and with +a box stove set up in one end of it? The stove is burning furiously at +its sticks this autumn evening, for the air sets in chill as you get +clear away from the city and are rising up to the higher ground of the +country of the pines and the lakes. + +Look from the window as you go. The city is far behind now and right and +left of you there are trim farms with elms and maples near them and with +tall windmills beside the barns that you can still see in the gathering +dusk. There is a dull red light from the windows of the farmstead. It +must be comfortable there after the roar and clatter of the city, and +only think of the still quiet of it. + +As you sit back half dreaming in the car, you keep wondering why it is +that you never came up before in all these years. Ever so many times you +planned that just as soon as the rush and strain of business eased up a +little, you would take the train and go back to the little town to see +what it was like now, and if things had changed much since your day. +But each time when your holidays came, somehow you changed your mind and +went down to Naragansett or Nagahuckett or Nagasomething, and left over +the visit to Mariposa for another time. + +It is almost night now. You can still see the trees and the fences and +the farmsteads, but they are fading fast in the twilight. They have +lengthened out the train by this time with a string of flat cars and +freight cars between where we are sitting and the engine. But at every +crossway we can hear the long muffled roar of the whistle, dying to a +melancholy wail that echoes into the woods; the woods, I say, for the +farms are thinning out and the track plunges here and there into great +stretches of bush,--tall tamerack and red scrub willow and with a +tangled undergrowth of bush that has defied for two generations all +attempts to clear it into the form of fields. + +Why, look, that great space that seems to open out in the half-dark of +the falling evening,--why, surely yes,--Lake Ossawippi, the big lake, +as they used to call it, from which the river runs down to the smaller +lake,--Lake Wissanotti,--where the town of Mariposa has lain waiting for +you there for thirty years. + +This is Lake Ossawippi surely enough. You would know it anywhere by the +broad, still, black water with hardly a ripple, and with the grip of the +coming frost already on it. Such a great sheet of blackness it looks as +the train thunders along the side, swinging the curve of the embankment +at a breakneck speed as it rounds the corner of the lake. + +How fast the train goes this autumn night! You have travelled, I know +you have; in the Empire State Express, and the New Limited and the +Maritime Express that holds the record of six hundred whirling miles +from Paris to Marseilles. But what are they to this, this mad career, +this breakneck speed, this thundering roar of the Mariposa local driving +hard to its home! Don't tell me that the speed is only twenty-five miles +an hour. I don't care what it is. I tell you, and you can prove it for +yourself if you will, that that train of mingled flat cars and coaches +that goes tearing into the night, its engine whistle shrieking out its +warning into the silent woods and echoing over the dull still lake, is +the fastest train in the whole world. + +Yes, and the best too,--the most comfortable, the most reliable, the +most luxurious and the speediest train that ever turned a wheel. + +And the most genial, the most sociable too. See how the passengers all +turn and talk to one another now as they get nearer and nearer to the +little town. That dull reserve that seemed to hold the passengers in +the electric suburban has clean vanished and gone. They are +talking,--listen,--of the harvest, and the late election, and of how +the local member is mentioned for the cabinet and all the old familiar +topics of the sort. Already the conductor has changed his glazed hat for +an ordinary round Christie and you can hear the passengers calling him +and the brakesman "Bill" and "Sam" as if they were all one family. + +What is it now--nine thirty? Ah, then we must be nearing the town,--this +big bush that we are passing through, you remember it surely as the +great swamp just this side of the bridge over the Ossawippi? There is +the bridge itself, and the long roar of the train as it rushes sounding +over the trestle work that rises above the marsh. Hear the clatter as we +pass the semaphores and switch lights! We must be close in now! + +What? it feels nervous and strange to be coming here again after all +these years? It must indeed. No, don't bother to look at the reflection +of your face in the window-pane shadowed by the night outside. Nobody +could tell you now after all these years. Your face has changed in these +long years of money-getting in the city. Perhaps if you had come back +now and again, just at odd times, it wouldn't have been so. + +There,--you hear it?--the long whistle of the locomotive, one, two, +three! You feel the sharp slackening of the train as it swings round +the curve of the last embankment that brings it to the Mariposa station. +See, too, as we round the curve, the row of the flashing lights, the +bright windows of the depot. + +How vivid and plain it all is. Just as it used to be thirty years ago. +There is the string of the hotel 'buses, drawn up all ready for the +train, and as the train rounds in and stops hissing and panting at the +platform, you can hear above all other sounds the cry of the brakesmen +and the porters: + +"MARIPOSA! MARIPOSA!" + + +And as we listen, the cry grows fainter and fainter in our ears and +we are sitting here again in the leather chairs of the Mausoleum Club, +talking of the little Town in the Sunshine that once we knew. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town, by +Stephen Leacock + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SUNSHINE SKETCHES OF A LITTLE TOWN *** + +***** This file should be named 3533.txt or 3533.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/3/3533/ + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan and The Distributed Proofreaders Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.05/20/01*END* +[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael S. Hart +and may be reprinted only when these Etexts are free of all fees.] +[Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be used in any sales +of Project Gutenberg Etexts or other materials be they hardware or +software or any other related product without express permission.] + + + + + +This etext was produced by Gardner Buchanan <gbuchana@home.com> with +help from the distributed proofers at http://charlz.dynip.com/gutenberg + + + + + +Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town + +by Stephen Leacock, 1869-1944 + + + + + Preface + +I The Hostelry of Mr. Smith +II The Speculations of Jefferson Thorpe +III The Marine Excursion of the Knights of Pythias +IV The Ministrations of the Rev. Mr. Drone +V The Whirlwind Campaign in Mariposa +VI The Beacon on the Hill +VII The Extraordinary Entanglement of Mr. Pupkin +VIII The Fore-ordained Attachment of Zena Pepperleigh and Peter Pupkin +IX The Mariposa Bank Mystery +X The Great Election in Missinaba County +XI The Candidacy of Mr. Smith +XII L'Envoi. The Train to Mariposa + + + +Preface + +I know no way in which a writer may more fittingly introduce his work +to the public than by giving a brief account of who and what he is. +By this means some of the blame for what he has done is very properly +shifted to the extenuating circumstances of his life. + +I was born at Swanmoor, Hants, England, on December 30, 1869. I am +not aware that there was any particular conjunction of the planets at +the time, but should think it extremely likely. My parents migrated +to Canada in 1876, and I decided to go with them. My father took up a +farm near Lake Simcoe, in Ontario. This was during the hard times of +Canadian farming, and my father was just able by great diligence to +pay the hired men and, in years of plenty, to raise enough grain to +have seed for the next year's crop without buying any. By this +process my brothers and I were inevitably driven off the land, and +have become professors, business men, and engineers, instead of being +able to grow up as farm labourers. Yet I saw enough of farming to +speak exuberantly in political addresses of the joy of early rising +and the deep sleep, both of body and intellect, that is induced by +honest manual toil. + +I was educated at Upper Canada College, Toronto, of which I was head +boy in 1887. From there I went to the University of Toronto, where I +graduated in 1891. At the University I spent my entire time in the +acquisition of languages, living, dead, and half-dead, and knew +nothing of the outside world. In this diligent pursuit of words I +spent about sixteen hours of each day. Very soon after graduation I +had forgotten the languages, and found myself intellectually +bankrupt. In other words I was what is called a distinguished +graduate, and, as such, I took to school teaching as the only trade I +could find that need neither experience nor intellect. I spent my +time from 1891 to 1899 on the staff of Upper Canada College, an +experience which has left me with a profound sympathy for the many +gifted and brilliant men who are compelled to spend their lives in +the most dreary, the most thankless, and the worst paid profession in +the world. I have noted that of my pupils, those who seemed the +laziest and the least enamoured of books are now rising to eminence +at the bar, in business, and in public life; the really promising +boys who took all the prizes are now able with difficulty to earn the +wages of a clerk in a summer hotel or a deck hand on a canal boat. + +In 1899 I gave up school teaching in disgust, borrowing enough money +to live upon for a few months, and went to the University of Chicago +to study economics and political science. I was soon appointed to a +Fellowship in political economy, and by means of this and some +temporary employment by McGill University, I survived until I took +the degree of Doctor of Philosophy in 1903. The meaning of this +degree is that the recipient of instruction is examined for the last +time in his life, and is pronounced completely full. After this, no +new ideas can be imparted to him. + +From this time, and since my marriage, which had occurred at this +period, I have belonged to the staff of McGill University, first as +lecturer in Political Science, and later as head of the department of +Economics and Political Science. As this position is one of the +prizes of my profession, I am able to regard myself as singularly +fortunate. The emolument is so high as to place me distinctly above +the policemen, postmen, street-car conductors, and other salaried +officials of the neighbourhood, while I am able to mix with the +poorer of the business men of the city on terms of something like +equality. In point of leisure, I enjoy more in the four corners of a +single year than a business man knows in his whole life. I thus have +what the business man can never enjoy, an ability to think, and, what +is still better, to stop thinking altogether for months at a time. + +I have written a number of things in connection with my college +life--a book on Political Science, and many essays, magazine +articles, and so on. I belong to the Political Science Association of +America, to the Royal Colonial Institute, and to the Church of +England. These things, surely, are a proof of respectability. I have +had some small connection with politics and public life. A few years +ago I went all round the British Empire delivering addresses on +Imperial organization. When I state that these lectures were followed +almost immediately by the Union of South Africa, the Banana Riots in +Trinidad, and the Turco-Italian war, I think the reader can form some +idea of their importance. In Canada I belong to the Conservative +party, but as yet I have failed entirely in Canadian politics, never +having received a contract to build a bridge, or make a wharf, nor to +construct even the smallest section of the Transcontinental Railway. +This, however, is a form of national ingratitude to which one becomes +accustomed in this Dominion. + +Apart from my college work, I have written two books, one called +"Literary Lapses" and the other "Nonsense Novels." Each of these is +published by John Lane (London and New York), and either of them can +be obtained, absurd though it sounds, for the mere sum of three +shillings and sixpence. Any reader of this preface, for example, +ridiculous though it appears, could walk into a bookstore and buy +both of these books for seven shillings. Yet these works are of so +humorous a character that for many years it was found impossible to +print them. The compositors fell back from their task suffocated with +laughter and gasping for air. Nothing but the intervention of the +linotype machine--or rather, of the kind of men who operate it--made +it possible to print these books. Even now people have to be very +careful in circulating them, and the books should never be put into +the hands of persons not in robust health. + +Many of my friends are under the impression that I write these +humorous nothings in idle moments when the wearied brain is unable to +perform the serious labours of the economist. My own experience is +exactly the other way. The writing of solid, instructive stuff +fortified by facts and figures is easy enough. There is no trouble in +writing a scientific treatise on the folk-lore of Central China, or a +statistical enquiry into the declining population of Prince Edward +Island. But to write something out of one's own mind, worth reading +for its own sake, is an arduous contrivance only to be achieved in +fortunate moments, few and far between. Personally, I would sooner +have written "Alice in Wonderland" than the whole Encyclopaedia +Britannica. + +In regard to the present work I must disclaim at once all intentions +of trying to do anything so ridiculously easy as writing about a real +place and real people. Mariposa is not a real town. On the contrary, +it is about seventy or eighty of them. You may find them all the way +from Lake Superior to the sea, with the same square streets and the +same maple trees and the same churches and hotels, and everywhere the +sunshine of the land of hope. + +Similarly, the Reverend Mr. Drone is not one person but about eight +or ten. To make him I clapped the gaiters of one ecclesiastic round +the legs of another, added the sermons of a third and the character +of a fourth, and so let him start on his way in the book to pick up +such individual attributes as he might find for himself. Mullins and +Bagshaw and Judge Pepperleigh and the rest are, it is true, personal +friends of mine. But I have known them in such a variety of forms, +with such alternations of tall and short, dark and fair, that, +individually, I should have much ado to know them. Mr. Pupkin is +found whenever a Canadian bank opens a branch in a county town and +needs a teller. As for Mr. Smith, with his two hundred and eighty +pounds, his hoarse voice, his loud check suit, his diamonds, the +roughness of his address and the goodness of his heart,--all of this +is known by everybody to be a necessary and universal adjunct of the +hotel business. + +The inspiration of the book,--a land of hope and sunshine where +little towns spread their square streets and their trim maple trees +beside placid lakes almost within echo of the primeval forest,--is +large enough. If it fails in its portrayal of the scenes and the +country that it depicts the fault lies rather with an art that is +deficient than in an affection that is wanting. + +Stephen Leacock. McGill University, June, 1912. + + + +ONE + +The Hostelry of Mr. Smith + +I don't know whether you know Mariposa. If not, it is of no +consequence, for if you know Canada at all, you are probably well +acquainted with a dozen towns just like it. + +There it lies in the sunlight, sloping up from the little lake that +spreads out at the foot of the hillside on which the town is built. +There is a wharf beside the lake, and lying alongside of it a steamer +that is tied to the wharf with two ropes of about the same size as +they use on the Lusitania. The steamer goes nowhere in particular, +for the lake is landlocked and there is no navigation for the +Mariposa Belle except to "run trips" on the first of July and the +Queen's Birthday, and to take excursions of the Knights of Pythias +and the Sons of Temperance to and from the Local Option Townships. + +In point of geography the lake is called Lake Wissanotti and the +river running out of it the Ossawippi, just as the main street of +Mariposa is called Missinaba Street and the county Missinaba County. +But these names do not really matter. Nobody uses them. People simply +speak of the "lake" and the "river" and the "main street," much in +the same way as they always call the Continental Hotel, "Pete +Robinson's" and the Pharmaceutical Hall, "Eliot's Drug Store." But I +suppose this is just the same in every one else's town as in mine, so +I need lay no stress on it. + +The town, I say, has one broad street that runs up from the lake, +commonly called the Main Street. There is no doubt about its width. +When Mariposa was laid out there was none of that shortsightedness +which is seen in the cramped dimensions of Wall Street and +Piccadilly. Missinaba Street is so wide that if you were to roll Jeff +Thorpe's barber shop over on its face it wouldn't reach half way +across. Up and down the Main Street are telegraph poles of cedar of +colossal thickness, standing at a variety of angles and carrying +rather more wires than are commonly seen at a transatlantic cable +station. + +On the Main Street itself are a number of buildings of extraordinary +importance,--Smith's Hotel and the Continental and the Mariposa +House, and the two banks (the Commercial and the Exchange), to say +nothing of McCarthy's Block (erected in 1878), and Glover's Hardware +Store with the Oddfellows' Hall above it. Then on the "cross" street +that intersects Missinaba Street at the main corner there is the Post +Office and the Fire Hall and the Young Men's Christian Association +and the office of the Mariposa Newspacket,--in fact, to the eye of +discernment a perfect jostle of public institutions comparable only +to Threadneedle Street or Lower Broadway. On all the side streets +there are maple trees and broad sidewalks, trim gardens with upright +calla lilies, houses with verandahs, which are here and there being +replaced by residences with piazzas. + +To the careless eye the scene on the Main Street of a summer +afternoon is one of deep and unbroken peace. The empty street sleeps +in the sunshine. There is a horse and buggy tied to the hitching post +in front of Glover's hardware store. There is, usually and commonly, +the burly figure of Mr. Smith, proprietor of Smith's Hotel, standing +in his chequered waistcoat on the steps of his hostelry, and perhaps, +further up the street, Lawyer Macartney going for his afternoon mail, +or the Rev. Mr. Drone, the Rural Dean of the Church of England +Church, going home to get his fishing rod after a mothers' auxiliary +meeting. + +But this quiet is mere appearance. In reality, and to those who know +it, the place is a perfect hive of activity. Why, at Netley's +butcher shop (established in 1882) there are no less than four men +working on the sausage machines in the basement; at the Newspacket +office there are as many more job-printing; there is a long distance +telephone with four distracting girls on high stools wearing steel +caps and talking incessantly; in the offices in McCarthy's block are +dentists and lawyers with their coats off, ready to work at any +moment; and from the big planing factory down beside the lake where +the railroad siding is, you may hear all through the hours of the +summer afternoon the long-drawn music of the running saw. + +Busy--well, I should think so! Ask any of its inhabitants if Mariposa +isn't a busy, hustling, thriving town. Ask Mullins, the manager of +the Exchange Bank, who comes hustling over to his office from the +Mariposa House every day at 10.30 and has scarcely time all morning +to go out and take a drink with the manager of the Commercial; or +ask--well, for the matter of that, ask any of them if they ever knew +a more rushing go-a-head town than Mariposa. + +Of course if you come to the place fresh from New York, you are +deceived. Your standard of vision is all astray, You do think the +place is quiet. You do imagine that Mr. Smith is asleep merely +because he closes his eyes as he stands. But live in Mariposa for six +months or a year and then you will begin to understand it better; the +buildings get higher and higher; the Mariposa House grows more and +more luxurious; McCarthy's block towers to the sky; the 'buses roar +and hum to the station; the trains shriek; the traffic multiplies; +the people move faster and faster; a dense crowd swirls to and fro in +the post-office and the five and ten cent store--and amusements! +well, now! lacrosse, baseball, excursions, dances, the Fireman's Ball +every winter and the Catholic picnic every summer; and music--the +town band in the park every Wednesday evening, and the Oddfellows' +brass band on the street every other Friday; the Mariposa Quartette, +the Salvation Army--why, after a few months' residence you begin to +realize that the place is a mere mad round of gaiety. + +In point of population, if one must come down to figures, the +Canadian census puts the numbers every time at something round five +thousand. But it is very generally understood in Mariposa that the +census is largely the outcome of malicious jealousy. It is usual that +after the census the editor of the Mariposa Newspacket makes a +careful reestimate (based on the data of relative non-payment of +subscriptions), and brings the population up to 6,000. After that the +Mariposa Times-Herald makes an estimate that runs the figures up to +6,500. Then Mr. Gingham, the undertaker, who collects the vital +statistics for the provincial government, makes an estimate from the +number of what he calls the "demised" as compared with the less +interesting persons who are still alive, and brings the population to +7,000. After that somebody else works it out that it's 7,500; then +the man behind the bar of the Mariposa House offers to bet the whole +room that there are 9,000 people in Mariposa. That settles it, and +the population is well on the way to 10,000, when down swoops the +federal census taker on his next round and the town has to begin all +over again. + +Still, it is a thriving town and there is no doubt of it. Even the +transcontinental railways, as any townsman will tell you, run through +Mariposa. It is true that the trains mostly go through at night and +don't stop. But in the wakeful silence of the summer night you may +hear the long whistle of the through train for the west as it tears +through Mariposa, rattling over the switches and past the semaphores +and ending in a long, sullen roar as it takes the trestle bridge over +the Ossawippi. Or, better still, on a winter evening about eight +o'clock you will see the long row of the Pullmans and diners of the +night express going north to the mining country, the windows flashing +with brilliant light, and within them a vista of cut glass and +snow-white table linen, smiling negroes and millionaires with napkins +at their chins whirling past in the driving snowstorm. + +I can tell you the people of Mariposa are proud of the trains, even +if they don't stop! The joy of being on the main line lifts the +Mariposa people above the level of their neighbours in such places as +Tecumseh and Nichols Corners into the cosmopolitan atmosphere of +through traffic and the larger life. Of course, they have their own +train, too--the Mariposa Local, made up right there in the station +yard, and running south to the city a hundred miles away. That, of +course, is a real train, with a box stove on end in the passenger +car, fed with cordwood upside down, and with seventeen flat cars of +pine lumber set between the passenger car and the locomotive so as to +give the train its full impact when shunting. + +Outside of Mariposa there are farms that begin well but get thinner +and meaner as you go on, and end sooner or later in bush and swamp +and the rock of the north country. And beyond that again, as the +background of it all, though it's far away, you are somehow aware of +the great pine woods of the lumber country reaching endlessly into +the north. + +Not that the little town is always gay or always bright in the +sunshine. There never was such a place for changing its character +with the season. Dark enough and dull it seems of a winter night, the +wooden sidewalks creaking with the frost, and the lights burning dim +behind the shop windows. In olden times the lights were coal oil +lamps; now, of course, they are, or are supposed to be, electricity, +brought from the power house on the lower Ossawippi nineteen miles +away. But, somehow, though it starts off as electricity from the +Ossawippi rapids, by the time it gets to Mariposa and filters into +the little bulbs behind the frosty windows of the shops, it has +turned into coal oil again, as yellow and bleared as ever. + +After the winter, the snow melts and the ice goes out of the lake, +the sun shines high and the shanty-men come down from the lumber +woods and lie round drunk on the sidewalk outside of Smith's +Hotel--and that's spring time. Mariposa is then a fierce, dangerous +lumber town, calculated to terrorize the soul of a newcomer who does +not understand that this also is only an appearance and that +presently the rough-looking shanty-men will change their clothes and +turn back again into farmers. + +Then the sun shines warmer and the maple trees come out and Lawyer +Macartney puts on his tennis trousers, and that's summer time. The +little town changes to a sort of summer resort. There are visitors up +from the city. Every one of the seven cottages along the lake is +full. The Mariposa Belle churns the waters of the Wissanotti into +foam as she sails out from the wharf, in a cloud of flags, the band +playing and the daughters and sisters of the Knights of Pythias +dancing gaily on the deck. + +That changes too. The days shorten. The visitors disappear. The +golden rod beside the meadow droops and withers on its stem. The +maples blaze in glory and die. The evening closes dark and chill, and +in the gloom of the main corner of Mariposa the Salvation Army around +a naphtha lamp lift up the confession of their sins--and that is +autumn. Thus the year runs its round, moving and changing in +Mariposa, much as it does in other places. + +If, then, you feel that you know the town well enough to be admitted +into the inner life and movement of it, walk down this June afternoon +half way down the Main Street--or, if you like, half way up from the +wharf--to where Mr. Smith is standing at the door of his hostelry. +You will feel as you draw near that it is no ordinary man that you +approach. It is not alone the huge bulk of Mr. Smith (two hundred +and eighty pounds as tested on Netley's scales). It is not merely his +costume, though the chequered waistcoat of dark blue with a flowered +pattern forms, with his shepherd's plaid trousers, his grey spats and +patent-leather boots, a colour scheme of no mean order. Nor is it +merely Mr. Smith's finely mottled face. The face, no doubt, is a +notable one,--solemn, inexpressible, unreadable, the face of the +heaven-born hotel keeper. It is more than that. It is the strange +dominating personality of the man that somehow holds you captive. I +know nothing in history to compare with the position of Mr. Smith +among those who drink over his bar, except, though in a lesser +degree, the relation of the Emperor Napoleon to the Imperial Guard. + +When you meet Mr. Smith first you think he looks like an over-dressed +pirate. Then you begin to think him a character. You wonder at his +enormous bulk. Then the utter hopelessness of knowing what Smith is +thinking by merely looking at his features gets on your mind and +makes the Mona Lisa seem an open book and the ordinary human +countenance as superficial as a puddle in the sunlight. After you +have had a drink in Mr. Smith's bar, and he has called you by your +Christian name, you realize that you are dealing with one of the +greatest minds in the hotel business. + +Take, for instance, the big sign that sticks out into the street +above Mr. Smith's head as he stands. What is on it? "JOS. SMITH, +PROP." Nothing more, and yet the thing was a flash of genius. Other +men who had had the hotel before Mr. Smith had called it by such +feeble names as the Royal Hotel and the Queen's and the Alexandria. +Every one of them failed. When Mr. Smith took over the hotel he +simply put up the sign with "JOS. SMITH, PROP.," and then stood +underneath in the sunshine as a living proof that a man who weighs +nearly three hundred pounds is the natural king of the hotel +business. + +But on this particular afternoon, in spite of the sunshine and deep +peace, there was something as near to profound concern and anxiety as +the features of Mr. Smith were ever known to express. + +The moment was indeed an anxious one. Mr. Smith was awaiting a +telegram from his legal adviser who had that day journeyed to the +county town to represent the proprietor's interest before the +assembled License Commissioners. If you know anything of the hotel +business at all, you will understand that as beside the decisions of +the License Commissioners of Missinaba County, the opinions of the +Lords of the Privy Council are mere trifles. + +The matter in question was very grave. The Mariposa Court had just +fined Mr. Smith for the second time for selling liquors after hours. +The Commissioners, therefore, were entitled to cancel the license. + +Mr. Smith knew his fault and acknowledged it. He had broken the law. +How he had come to do so, it passed his imagination to recall. Crime +always seems impossible in retrospect. By what sheer madness of the +moment could he have shut up the bar on the night in question, and +shut Judge Pepperleigh, the district judge in Missinaba County, +outside of it? The more so inasmuch as the closing up of the bar +under the rigid license law of the province was a matter that the +proprietor never trusted to any hands but his own. Punctually every +night at 11 o'clock Mr. Smith strolled from the desk of the +"rotunda" to the door of the bar. If it seemed properly full of +people and all was bright and cheerful, then he closed it. If not, he +kept it open a few minutes longer till he had enough people inside to +warrant closing. But never, never unless he was assured that +Pepperleigh, the judge of the court, and Macartney, the prosecuting +attorney, were both safely in the bar, or the bar parlour, did the +proprietor venture to close up. Yet on this fatal night Pepperleigh +and Macartney had been shut out--actually left on the street without +a drink, and compelled to hammer and beat at the street door of the +bar to gain admittance. + +This was the kind of thing not to be tolerated. Either a hotel must +be run decently or quit. An information was laid next day and Mr. +Smith convicted in four minutes,--his lawyers practically refusing to +plead. The Mariposa court, when the presiding judge was cold sober, +and it had the force of public opinion behind it, was a terrible +engine of retributive justice. + +So no wonder that Mr. Smith awaited with anxiety the message of his +legal adviser. + +He looked alternately up the street and down it again, hauled out his +watch from the depths of his embroidered pocket, and examined the +hour hand and the minute hand and the second hand with frowning +scrutiny. + +Then wearily, and as one mindful that a hotel man is ever the servant +of the public, he turned back into the hotel. + +"Billy," he said to the desk clerk, "if a wire comes bring it into +the bar parlour." + +The voice of Mr. Smith is of a deep guttural such as Plancon or +Edouard de Reske might have obtained had they had the advantages of +the hotel business. And with that, Mr. Smith, as was his custom in +off moments, joined his guests in the back room. His appearance, to +the untrained eye, was merely that of an extremely stout hotelkeeper +walking from the rotunda to the back bar. In reality, Mr. Smith was +on the eve of one of the most brilliant and daring strokes ever +effected in the history of licensed liquor. When I say that it was +out of the agitation of this situation that Smith's Ladies' and +Gent's Cafe originated, anybody who knows Mariposa will understand +the magnitude of the moment. + +Mr. Smith, then, moved slowly from the doorway of the hotel through +the "rotunda," or more simply the front room with the desk and the +cigar case in it, and so to the bar and thence to the little room or +back bar behind it. In this room, as I have said, the brightest minds +of Mariposa might commonly be found in the quieter part of a summer +afternoon. + +To-day there was a group of four who looked up as Mr. Smith entered, +somewhat sympathetically, and evidently aware of the perplexities of +the moment. + +Henry Mullins and George Duff, the two bank managers, were both +present. Mullins is a rather short, rather round, smooth-shaven man +of less than forty, wearing one of those round banking suits of +pepper and salt, with a round banking hat of hard straw, and with the +kind of gold tie-pin and heavy watch-chain and seals necessary to +inspire confidence in matters of foreign exchange. Duff is just as +round and just as short, and equally smoothly shaven, while his seals +and straw hat are calculated to prove that the Commercial is just as +sound a bank as the Exchange. From the technical point of view of the +banking business, neither of them had any objection to being in +Smith's Hotel or to taking a drink as long as the other was present. +This, of course, was one of the cardinal principles of Mariposa +banking. + +Then there was Mr. Diston, the high school teacher, commonly known as +the "one who drank." None of the other teachers ever entered a hotel +unless accompanied by a lady or protected by a child. But as Mr. +Diston was known to drink beer on occasions and to go in and out of +the Mariposa House and Smith's Hotel, he was looked upon as a man +whose life was a mere wreck. Whenever the School Board raised the +salaries of the other teachers, fifty or sixty dollars per annum at +one lift, it was well understood that public morality wouldn't permit +of an increase for Mr. Diston. + +Still more noticeable, perhaps, was the quiet, sallow looking man +dressed in black, with black gloves and with black silk hat heavily +craped and placed hollow-side-up on a chair. This was Mr. Golgotha +Gingham, the undertaker of Mariposa, and his dress was due to the +fact that he had just come from what he called an "interment." Mr. +Gingham had the true spirit of his profession, and such words as +"funeral" or "coffin" or "hearse" never passed his lips. He spoke +always of "interments," of "caskets," and "coaches," using terms that +were calculated rather to bring out the majesty and sublimity of +death than to parade its horrors. + +To be present at the hotel was in accord with Mr. Gingham's general +conception of his business. No man had ever grasped the true +principles of undertaking more thoroughly than Mr. Gingham. I have +often heard him explain that to associate with the living, +uninteresting though they appear, is the only way to secure the +custom of the dead. + +"Get to know people really well while they are alive," said Mr. +Gingham; "be friends with them, close friends and then when they die +you don't need to worry. You'll get the order every time." + +So, naturally, as the moment was one of sympathy, it was Mr. +Gingham who spoke first. + +"What'll you do, Josh," he said, "if the Commissioners go against +you?" + +"Boys," said Mr. Smith, "I don't rightly know. If I have to quit, the +next move is to the city. But I don't reckon that I will have to +quit. I've got an idee that I think's good every time." + +"Could you run a hotel in the city?" asked Mullins. + +"I could," said Mr. Smith. "I'll tell you. There's big things doin' +in the hotel business right now, big chances if you go into it right. +Hotels in the city is branching out. Why, you take the dining-room +side of it," continued Mr. Smith, looking round at the group, +"there's thousands in it. The old plan's all gone. Folks won't eat +now in an ordinary dining-room with a high ceiling and windows. You +have to get 'em down underground in a room with no windows and lots +of sawdust round and waiters that can't speak English. I seen them +places last time I was in the city. They call 'em Rats' Coolers. And +for light meals they want a Caff, a real French Caff, and for folks +that come in late another place that they call a Girl Room that don't +shut up at all. If I go to the city that's the kind of place I mean +to run. What's yours, Gol? It's on the house?" + +And it was just at the moment when Mr. Smith said this that Billy, +the desk-clerk, entered the room with the telegram in his hand. + +But stop--it is impossible for you to understand the anxiety with +which Mr. Smith and his associates awaited the news from the +Commissioners, without first realizing the astounding progress of Mr. +Smith in the three past years, and the pinnacle of public eminence to +which he had attained. + +Mr. Smith had come down from the lumber country of the Spanish River, +where the divide is toward the Hudson Bay,--"back north" as they +called it in Mariposa. + +He had been, it was said, a cook in the lumber shanties. To this day +Mr. Smith can fry an egg on both sides with a lightness of touch that +is the despair of his own "help." + +After that, he had run a river driver's boarding-house. + +After that, he had taken a food contract for a gang of railroad +navvies on the transcontinental. + +After that, of course, the whole world was open to him. + +He came down to Mariposa and bought out the "inside" of what had been +the Royal Hotel. + +Those who are educated understand that by the "inside" of a hotel is +meant everything except the four outer walls of it--the fittings, the +furniture, the bar, Billy the desk-clerk, the three dining-room +girls, and above all the license granted by King Edward VII., and +ratified further by King George, for the sale of intoxicating +liquors. + +Till then the Royal had been a mere nothing. As "Smith's Hotel" it +broke into a blaze of effulgence. + +From the first, Mr. Smith, as a proprietor, was a wild, rapturous +success. + +He had all the qualifications. + +He weighed two hundred and eighty pounds. + +He could haul two drunken men out of the bar each by the scruff of +the neck without the faintest anger or excitement. + +He carried money enough in his trousers pockets to start a bank, and +spent it on anything, bet it on anything, and gave it away in +handfuls. + +He was never drunk, and, as a point of chivalry to his customers, +never quite sober. Anybody was free of the hotel who cared to come +in. Anybody who didn't like it could go out. Drinks of all kinds cost +five cents, or six for a quarter. Meals and beds were practically +free. Any persons foolish enough to go to the desk and pay for them, +Mr. Smith charged according to the expression of their faces. + +At first the loafers and the shanty men settled down on the place in +a shower. But that was not the "trade" that Mr. Smith wanted. He knew +how to get rid of them. An army of charwomen, turned into the hotel, +scrubbed it from top to bottom. A vacuum cleaner, the first seen in +Mariposa, hissed and screamed in the corridors. Forty brass beds were +imported from the city, not, of course, for the guests to sleep in, +but to keep them out. A bar-tender with a starched coat and wicker +sleeves was put behind the bar. + +The loafers were put out of business. The place had become too "high +toned" for them. + +To get the high class trade, Mr. Smith set himself to dress the part. +He wore wide cut coats of filmy serge, light as gossamer; chequered +waistcoats with a pattern for every day in the week; fedora hats +light as autumn leaves; four-in-hand ties of saffron and myrtle green +with a diamond pin the size of a hazel nut. On his fingers there were +as many gems as would grace a native prince of India; across his +waistcoat lay a gold watch-chain in huge square links and in his +pocket a gold watch that weighed a pound and a half and marked +minutes, seconds and quarter seconds. Just to look at Josh Smith's +watch brought at least ten men to the bar every evening. + +Every morning Mr. Smith was shaved by Jefferson Thorpe, across the +way. All that art could do, all that Florida water could effect, was +lavished on his person. + +Mr. Smith became a local character. Mariposa was at his feet. All the +reputable business-men drank at Mr. Smith's bar, and in the little +parlour behind it you might find at any time a group of the brightest +intellects in the town. + +Not but what there was opposition at first. The clergy, for example, +who accepted the Mariposa House and the Continental as a necessary +and useful evil, looked askance at the blazing lights and the surging +crowd of Mr. Smith's saloon. They preached against him. When the Rev. +Dean Drone led off with a sermon on the text "Lord be merciful even +unto this publican Matthew Six," it was generally understood as an +invitation to strike Mr. Smith dead. In the same way the sermon at +the Presbyterian church the week after was on the text "Lo what now +doeth Abiram in the land of Melchisideck Kings Eight and Nine?" and it +was perfectly plain that what was meant was, "Lo, what is Josh Smith +doing in Mariposa?" + +But this opposition had been countered by a wide and sagacious +philanthropy. I think Mr. Smith first got the idea of that on the +night when the steam merry-go-round came to Mariposa. Just below the +hostelry, on an empty lot, it whirled and whistled, steaming forth +its tunes on the summer evening while the children crowded round it +in hundreds. Down the street strolled Mr. Smith, wearing a soft +fedora to indicate that it was evening. + +"What d'you charge for a ride, boss?" said Mr. Smith. + +"Two for a nickel," said the man. + +"Take that," said Mr. Smith, handing out a ten-dollar bill from a +roll of money, "and ride the little folks free all evening." + +That night the merry-go-round whirled madly till after midnight, +freighted to capacity with Mariposa children, while up in Smith's +Hotel, parents, friends and admirers, as the news spread, were +standing four deep along the bar. They sold forty dollars' worth of +lager alone that night, and Mr. Smith learned, if he had not already +suspected it, the blessedness of giving. + +The uses of philanthropy went further. Mr. Smith subscribed to +everything, joined everything, gave to everything. He became an +Oddfellow, a Forester, A Knight of Pythias and a Workman. He gave a +hundred dollars to the Mariposa Hospital and a hundred dollars to the +Young Men's Christian Association. + +He subscribed to the Ball Club, the Lacrosse Club, the Curling Club, +to anything, in fact, and especially to all those things which needed +premises to meet in and grew thirsty in their discussions. + +As a consequence the Oddfellows held their annual banquet at Smith's +Hotel and the Oyster Supper of the Knights of Pythias was celebrated +in Mr. Smith's dining-room. + +Even more effective, perhaps, were Mr. Smith's secret benefactions, +the kind of giving done by stealth of which not a soul in town knew +anything, often, for a week after it was done. It was in this way +that Mr. Smith put the new font in Dean Drone's church, and handed +over a hundred dollars to Judge Pepperleigh for the unrestrained use +of the Conservative party. + +So it came about that, little by little, the antagonism had died +down. Smith's Hotel became an accepted institution in Mariposa. Even +the temperance people were proud of Mr. Smith as a sort of character +who added distinction to the town. There were moments, in the earlier +quiet of the morning, when Dean Drone would go so far as to step in +to the "rotunda" and collect a subscription. As for the Salvation +Army, they ran in and out all the time unreproved. + +On only one point difficulty still remained. That was the closing of +the bar. Mr. Smith could never bring his mind to it,--not as a matter +of profit, but as a point of honour. It was too much for him to feel +that Judge Pepperleigh might be out on the sidewalk thirsty at +midnight, that the night hands of the Times-Herald on Wednesday might +be compelled to go home dry. On this point Mr. Smith's moral code was +simplicity itself,--do what is right and take the consequences. So +the bar stayed open. + +Every town, I suppose, has its meaner spirits. In every genial bosom +some snake is warmed,--or, as Mr. Smith put it to Golgotha +Gingham--"there are some fellers even in this town skunks enough to +inform." + +At first the Mariposa court quashed all indictments. The presiding +judge, with his spectacles on and a pile of books in front of him, +threatened the informer with the penitentiary. The whole bar of +Mariposa was with Mr. Smith. But by sheer iteration the informations +had proved successful. Judge Pepperleigh learned that Mr. Smith had +subscribed a hundred dollars for the Liberal party and at once fined +him for keeping open after hours. That made one conviction. On the +top of this had come the untoward incident just mentioned and that +made two. Beyond that was the deluge. This then was the exact +situation when Billy, the desk clerk, entered the back bar with the +telegram in his hand. + +"Here's your wire, sir," he said. + +"What does it say?" said Mr. Smith. + +He always dealt with written documents with a fine air of detachment. +I don't suppose there were ten people in Mariposa who knew that Mr. +Smith couldn't read. + +Billy opened the message and read, "Commissioners give you three +months to close down." + +"Let me read it," said Mr. Smith, "that's right, three months to +close down." + +There was dead silence when the message was read. Everybody waited +for Mr. Smith to speak. Mr. Gingham instinctively assumed the +professional air of hopeless melancholy. + +As it was afterwards recorded, Mr. Smith stood and "studied" with the +tray in his hand for at least four minutes. Then he spoke. + +"Boys," he said, "I'll be darned if I close down till I'm ready to +close down. I've got an idee. You wait and I'll show you." + +And beyond that, not another word did Mr. Smith say on the subject. + +But within forty-eight hours the whole town knew that something was +doing. The hotel swarmed with carpenters, bricklayers and painters. +There was an architect up from the city with a bundle of blue prints +in his hand. There was an engineer taking the street level with a +theodolite, and a gang of navvies with shovels digging like fury as +if to dig out the back foundations of the hotel. + +"That'll fool 'em," said Mr. Smith. + +Half the town was gathered round the hotel crazy with excitement. But +not a word would the proprietor say. Great dray loads of square +timber, and two-by-eight pine joists kept arriving from the planing +mill. There was a pile of matched spruce sixteen feet high lying by +the sidewalk. + +Then the excavation deepened and the dirt flew, and the beams went up +and the joists across, and all the day from dawn till dusk the +hammers of the carpenters clattered away, working overtime at time +and a half. + +"It don't matter what it costs," said Mr. Smith; "get it done." + +Rapidly the structure took form. It extended down the side street, +joining the hotel at a right angle. Spacious and graceful it looked +as it reared its uprights into the air. + +Already you could see the place where the row of windows was to come, +a veritable palace of glass, it must be, so wide and commodious were +they. Below it, you could see the basement shaping itself, with a low +ceiling like a vault and big beams running across, dressed, smoothed, +and ready for staining. Already in the street there were seven crates +of red and white awning. + +And even then nobody knew what it was, and it was not till the +seventeenth day that Mr. Smith, in the privacy of the back bar, broke +the silence and explained. + +"I tell you, boys," he says, "it's a caff--like what they have in the +city--a ladies' and gent's caff, and that underneath (what's yours, +Mr. Mullins?) is a Rats' Cooler. And when I get her started, I'll +hire a French Chief to do the cooking, and for the winter I will put +in a 'girl room,' like what they have in the city hotels. And I'd +like to see who's going to close her up then." + +Within two more weeks the plan was in operation. Not only was the +caff built but the very hotel was transformed. Awnings had broken +out in a red and white cloud upon its face, its every window carried +a box of hanging plants, and above in glory floated the Union Jack. +The very stationery was changed. The place was now Smith's Summer +Pavilion. It was advertised in the city as Smith's Tourists' +Emporium, and Smith's Northern Health Resort. Mr. Smith got the +editor of the Times-Herald to write up a circular all about ozone and +the Mariposa pine woods, with illustrations of the maskinonge (piscis +mariposis) of Lake Wissanotti. + +The Saturday after that circular hit the city in July, there were men +with fishing rods and landing nets pouring in on every train, almost +too fast to register. And if, in the face of that, a few little drops +of whiskey were sold over the bar, who thought of it? + +But the caff! that, of course, was the crowning glory of the thing, +that and the Rats' Cooler below. + +Light and cool, with swinging windows open to the air, tables with +marble tops, palms, waiters in white coats--it was the standing +marvel of Mariposa. Not a soul in the town except Mr. Smith, who knew +it by instinct, ever guessed that waiters and palms and marble tables +can be rented over the long distance telephone. + +Mr. Smith was as good as his word. He got a French Chief with an +aristocratic saturnine countenance, and a moustache and imperial that +recalled the late Napoleon III. No one knew where Mr. Smith got him. +Some people in the town said he was a French marquis. Others said he +was a count and explained the difference. + +No one in Mariposa had ever seen anything like the caff. All down +the side of it were the grill fires, with great pewter dish covers +that went up and down on a chain, and you could walk along the row +and actually pick out your own cutlet and then see the French marquis +throw it on to the broiling iron; you could watch a buckwheat pancake +whirled into existence under your eyes and see fowls' legs devilled, +peppered, grilled, and tormented till they lost all semblance of the +original Mariposa chicken. + +Mr. Smith, of course, was in his glory. + +"What have you got to-day, Alf?" he would say, as he strolled over to +the marquis. The name of the Chief was, I believe Alphonse, but "Alf" +was near enough for Mr. Smith. + +The marquis would extend to the proprietor the menu, "Voila, m'sieu, +la carte du jour." + +Mr. Smith, by the way, encouraged the use of the French language in +the caff. He viewed it, of course, solely in its relation to the +hotel business, and, I think, regarded it as a recent invention. + +"It's comin' in all the time in the city," he said, "and y'aint +expected to understand it." + +Mr. Smith would take the carte between his finger and thumb and stare +at it. It was all covered with such devices as Potage la +Mariposa--Filet Mignon a la proprietaire--Cotellete a la Smith, and +so on. + +But the greatest thing about the caff were the prices. Therein +lay, as everybody saw at once, the hopeless simplicity of Mr. Smith. + +The prices stood fast at 25 cents a meal. You could come in and eat +all they had in the caff for a quarter. + +"No, sir," Mr. Smith said stoutly, "I ain't going to try to raise no +prices on the public. The hotel's always been a quarter and the +caff's a quarter." + +Full? Full of people? + +Well, I should think so! From the time the caff opened at 11 till it +closed at 8.30, you could hardly find a table. Tourists, visitors, +travellers, and half the people of Mariposa crowded at the little +tables; crockery rattling, glasses tinkling on trays, corks popping, +the waiters in their white coats flying to and fro, Alphonse whirling +the cutlets and pancakes into the air, and in and through it all, Mr. +Smith, in a white flannel suit and a broad crimson sash about his +waist. Crowded and gay from morning to night, and even noisy in its +hilarity. + +Noisy, yes; but if you wanted deep quiet and cool, if you wanted to +step from the glare of a Canadian August to the deep shadow of an +enchanted glade,--walk down below into the Rats' Cooler. There you +had it; dark old beams (who could believe they were put there a month +ago?), great casks set on end with legends such as Amontillado Fino +done in gilt on a black ground, tall steins filled with German beer +soft as moss, and a German waiter noiseless as moving foam. He who +entered the Rats' Cooler at three of a summer afternoon was buried +there for the day. Mr. Golgotha Gingham spent anything from four to +seven hours there of every day. In his mind the place had all the +quiet charm of an interment, with none of its sorrows. + +But at night, when Mr. Smith and Billy, the desk clerk, opened up the +cash register and figured out the combined losses of the caff and the +Rats' Cooler, Mr. Smith would say: + +"Billy, just wait till I get the license renood, and I'll close +up this damn caff so tight they'll never know what hit her. +What did that lamb cost? Fifty cents a pound, was it? I figure it, +Billy, that every one of them hogs eats about a dollar's worth a grub +for every twenty-five cents they pay on it. As for Alf--by gosh, I'm +through with him." + +But that, of course, was only a confidential matter as between Mr. +Smith and Billy. + +I don't know at what precise period it was that the idea of a +petition to the License Commissioners first got about the town. No +one seemed to know just who suggested it. But certain it was that +public opinion began to swing strongly towards the support of Mr. +Smith. I think it was perhaps on the day after the big fish dinner +that Alphonse cooked for the Mariposa Canoe Club (at twenty cents a +head) that the feeling began to find open expression. People said it +was a shame that a man like Josh Smith should be run out of Mariposa +by three license commissioners. Who were the license commissioners, +anyway? Why, look at the license system they had in Sweden; yes, and +in Finland and in South America. Or, for the matter of that, look at +the French and Italians, who drink all day and all night. Aren't they +all right? Aren't they a musical people? Take Napoleon, and Victor +Hugo; drunk half the time, and yet look what they did. + +I quote these arguments not for their own sake, but merely to +indicate the changing temper of public opinion in Mariposa. Men would +sit in the caff at lunch perhaps for an hour and a half and talk +about the license question in general, and then go down into the +Rats' Cooler and talk about it for two hours more. + +It was amazing the way the light broke in in the case of particular +individuals, often the most unlikely, and quelled their opposition. + +Take, for example, the editor of the Newspacket. I suppose there +wasn't a greater temperance advocate in town. Yet Alphonse queered +him with an Omelette a la License in one meal. + +Or take Pepperleigh himself, the judge of the Mariposa court. He was +put to the bad with a game pie,--pate normand aux fines herbes--the +real thing, as good as a trip to Paris in itself. After eating it, +Pepperleigh had the common sense to realize that it was sheer madness +to destroy a hotel that could cook a thing like that. + +In the same way, the secretary of the School Board was silenced with +a stuffed duck a la Ossawippi. + +Three members of the town council were converted with a Dindon farci +a la Josh Smith. + +And then, finally, Mr. Diston persuaded Dean Drone to come, and as +soon as Mr. Smith and Alphonse saw him they landed him with a fried +flounder that even the apostles would have appreciated. + +After that, every one knew that the license question was practically +settled. The petition was all over the town. It was printed in +duplicate at the Newspacket and you could see it lying on the counter +of every shop in Mariposa. Some of the people signed it twenty or +thirty times. + +It was the right kind of document too. It began--"Whereas in the +bounty of providence the earth putteth forth her luscious fruits and +her vineyards for the delight and enjoyment of mankind--" It made you +thirsty just to read it. Any man who read that petition over was wild +to get to the Rats' Cooler. + +When it was all signed up they had nearly three thousand names on it. + +Then Nivens, the lawyer, and Mr. Gingham (as a provincial official) +took it down to the county town, and by three o'clock that afternoon +the news had gone out from the long distance telephone office that +Smith's license was renewed for three years. + +Rejoicings! Well, I should think so! Everybody was down wanting to +shake hands with Mr. Smith. They told him that he had done more to +boom Mariposa than any ten men in town. Some of them said he ought to +run for the town council, and others wanted to make him the +Conservative candidate for the next Dominion election. The caff was a +mere babel of voices, and even the Rats' Cooler was almost floated +away from its moorings. + +And in the middle of it all, Mr. Smith found time to say to Billy, +the desk clerk: "Take the cash registers out of the caff and the +Rats' Cooler and start counting up the books." + +And Billy said: "Will I write the letters for the palms and the +tables and the stuff to go back?" + +And Mr. Smith said: "Get 'em written right away." + +So all evening the laughter and the chatter and the congratulations +went on, and it wasn't till long after midnight that Mr. Smith was +able to join Billy in the private room behind the "rotunda." Even +when he did, there was a quiet and a dignity about his manner that +had never been there before. I think it must have been the new halo +of the Conservative candidacy that already radiated from his brow. It +was, I imagine, at this very moment that Mr. Smith first realised +that the hotel business formed the natural and proper threshold of +the national legislature. + +"Here's the account of the cash registers," said Billy. + +"Let me see it," said Mr. Smith. And he studied the figures without a +word. + +"And here's the letters about the palms, and here's Alphonse up to +yesterday--" + +And then an amazing thing happened. + +"Billy," said Mr. Smith, "tear'em up. I ain't going to do it. It +ain't right and I won't do it. They got me the license for to keep +the caff and I'm going to keep the caff. I don't need to close her. +The bar's good for anything from forty to a hundred a day now, with +the Rats' Cooler going good, and that caff will stay right here." + +And stay it did. + +There it stands, mind you, to this day. You've only to step round the +corner of Smith's Hotel on the side street and read the sign: LADIES' +AND GENT'S CAFE, just as large and as imposing as ever. + +Mr. Smith said that he'd keep the caff, and when he saida thing he +meant it! + +Of course there were changes, small changes. + +I don't say, mind you, that the fillet de beef that you get there now +is perhaps quite up to the level of the filet de boeufs aux +champignons of the days of glory. + +No doubt the lamb chops in Smith's Caff are often very much the same, +nowadays, as the lamb chops of the Mariposa House or the Continental. + +Of course, things like Omelette aux Trufles practically died out when +Alphonse went. And, naturally, the leaving of Alphonse was +inevitable. No one knew just when he went, or why. But one morning he +was gone. Mr. Smith said that "Alf had to go back to his folks in the +old country." + +So, too, when Alf left, the use of the French language, as such, fell +off tremendously in the caff. Even now they use it to some extent. +You can still get fillet de beef, and saucisson au juice, but Billy +the desk clerk has considerable trouble with the spelling. + +The Rats' Cooler, of course, closed down, or rather Mr. Smith closed +it for repairs, and there is every likelihood that it will hardly +open for three years. But the caff is there. They don't use the +grills, because there's no need to, with the hotel kitchen so handy. + +The "girl room," I may say, was never opened. Mr. Smith promised it, +it is true, for the winter, and still talks of it. But somehow +there's been a sort of feeling against it. Every one in town admits +that every big hotel in the city has a "girl room" and that it must +be all right. Still, there's a certain--well, you know how sensitive +opinion is in a place like Mariposa. + + + +TWO + +The Speculations of Jefferson Thorpe + +It was not until the mining boom, at the time when everybody went +simply crazy over the Cobalt and Porcupine mines of the new silver +country near the Hudson Bay, that Jefferson Thorpe reached what you +might call public importance in Mariposa. + +Of course everybody knew Jeff and his little barber shop that stood +just across the street from Smith's Hotel. Everybody knew him and +everybody got shaved there. From early morning, when the commercial +travellers off the 6.30 express got shaved into the resemblance of +human beings, there were always people going in and out of the barber +shop. + +Mullins, the manager of the Exchange Bank, took his morning shave +from Jeff as a form of resuscitation, with enough wet towels laid on +his face to stew him and with Jeff moving about in the steam, razor +in hand, as grave as an operating surgeon. + +Then, as I think I said, Mr. Smith came in every morning and there +was a tremendous outpouring of Florida water and rums, essences and +revivers and renovators, regardless of expense. What with Jeff's +white coat and Mr. Smith's flowered waistcoat and the red geranium in +the window and the Florida water and the double extract of hyacinth, +the little shop seemed multi-coloured and luxurious enough for the +annex of a Sultan's harem. + +But what I mean is that, till the mining boom, Jefferson Thorpe never +occupied a position of real prominence in Mariposa. You couldn't, for +example, have compared him with a man like Golgotha Gingham, who, as +undertaker, stood in a direct relation to life and death, or to +Trelawney, the postmaster, who drew money from the Federal Government +of Canada, and was regarded as virtually a member of the Dominion +Cabinet. + +Everybody knew Jeff and liked him, but the odd thing was that till he +made money nobody took any stock in his ideas at all. It was only +after he made the "clean up" that they came to see what a splendid +fellow he was. "Level-headed" I think was the term; indeed in the +speech of Mariposa, the highest form of endowment was to have the +head set on horizontally as with a theodolite. + +As I say, it was when Jeff made money that they saw how gifted he +was, and when he lost it,--but still, there's no need to go into +that. I believe it's something the same in other places too. + +The barber shop, you will remember, stands across the street from +Smith's Hotel, and stares at it face to face. + +It is one of those wooden structures--I don't know whether you know +them--with a false front that sticks up above its real height and +gives it an air at once rectangular and imposing. It is a form of +architecture much used in Mariposa and understood to be in keeping +with the pretentious and artificial character of modern business. +There is a red, white and blue post in front of the shop and the shop +itself has a large square window out of proportion to its little flat +face. + +Painted on the panes of the window is the remains of a legend that +once spelt BARBER SHOP, executed with the flourishes that prevailed +in the golden age of sign painting in Mariposa. Through the window +you can see the geraniums in the window shelf and behind them Jeff +Thorpe with his little black scull cap on and his spectacles drooped +upon his nose as he bends forward in the absorption of shaving. + +As you open the door, it sets in violent agitation a coiled spring up +above and a bell that almost rings. Inside, there are two shaving +chairs of the heavier, or electrocution pattern, with mirrors in +front of them and pigeon holes with individual shaving mugs. There +must be ever so many of them, fifteen or sixteen. It is the current +supposition of each of Jeff's customers that everyone else but +himself uses a separate mug. One corner of the shop is partitioned +off and bears the sign: HOT AND COLD BATHS, 50 CENTS. There has been +no bath inside the partition for twenty years--only old newspapers +and a mop. Still, it lends distinction somehow, just as do the faded +cardboard signs that hang against the mirror with the legends: +TURKISH SHAMPOO, 75 CENTS, and ROMAN MASSAGE, $1.00. + +They said commonly in Mariposa that Jeff made money out of the barber +shop. He may have, and it may have been that that turned his mind to +investment. But it's hard to see how he could. A shave cost five +cents, and a hair-cut fifteen (or the two, if you liked, for a +quarter), and at that it is hard to see how he could make money, even +when he had both chairs going and shaved first in one and then in the +other. + +You see, in Mariposa, shaving isn't the hurried, perfunctory thing +that it is in the city. A shave is looked upon as a form of physical +pleasure and lasts anywhere from twenty-five minutes to three-quarters +of an hour. + +In the morning hours, perhaps, there was a semblance of haste about +it, but in the long quiet of the afternoon, as Jeff leaned forward +towards the customerand talked to him in a soft confidential +monotone, like a portrait painter, the razor would go slower and +slower, and pause and stop, move and pause again, till the shave died +away into the mere drowse of conversation. + +At such hours, the Mariposa barber shop would become a very Palace of +Slumber, and as you waited your turn in one of the wooden arm-chairs +beside the wall, what with the quiet of the hour, and the low drone +of Jeff's conversation, the buzzing of the flies against the window +pane and the measured tick of the clock above the mirror, your head +sank dreaming on your breast, and the Mariposa Newspacket rustled +unheeded on the floor. It makes one drowsy just to think of it! + +The conversation, of course, was the real charm of the place. You +see, Jefferson's forte, or specialty, was information. He could tell +you more things within the compass of a half-hour's shave than you +get in days of laborious research in an encyclopaedia. Where he got +it all, I don't know, but I am inclined to think it came more or less +out of the newspapers. + +In the city, people never read the newspapers, not really, only +little bits and scraps of them. But in Mariposa it's different. There +they read the whole thing from cover to cover, and they build up on +it, in the course of years, a range of acquirement that would put a +college president to the blush. Anybody who has ever heard Henry +Mullins and Peter Glover talk about the future of China will know +just what I mean. + +And, of course, the peculiarity of Jeff's conversation was that he +could suit it to his man every time. He had a kind of divination +about it. There was a certain kind of man that Jeff would size up +sideways as he stropped the razor, and in whose ear he would whisper: +"I see where Saint Louis has took four straight games off +Chicago,"--and so hold him fascinated to the end. + +In the same way he would say to Mr. Smith: "I see where it says that +this 'Flying Squirl' run a dead heat for the King's Plate." + +To a humble intellect like mine he would explain in full the +relations of the Keesar to the German Rich Dog. + +But first and foremost, Jeff's specialty in the way of conversation +was finance and the money market, the huge fortunes that a man with +the right kind of head could make. + +I've known Jefferson to pause in his shaving with the razor suspended +in the air as long as five minutes while he described, with his eye +half closed, exactly the kind of a head a man needed in order to make +a "haul" or a "clean up." It was evidently simply a matter of the +head, and as far as one could judge, Jeff's own was the very type +required. I don't know just at what time or how Jefferson first +began his speculative enterprises. It was probably in him from the +start. There is no doubt that the very idea of such things as +Traction Stock and Amalgamated Asbestos went to his head: and +whenever he spoke of Mr. Carnegie and Mr. Rockefeller, the yearning +tone of his voice made it as soft as lathered soap. + +I suppose the most rudimentary form of his speculation was the hens. +That was years ago. He kept them out at the back of his house,--which +itself stood up a grass plot behind and beyond the barber shop,--and +in the old days Jeff would say, with a certain note of pride in his +voice, that The Woman had sold as many as two dozen eggs in a day to +the summer visitors. + +But what with reading about Amalgamated Asbestos and Consolidated +Copper and all that, the hens began to seem pretty small business, +and, in any case, the idea of two dozen eggs at a cent apiece almost +makes one blush. I suppose a good many of us have felt just as Jeff +did about our poor little earnings. Anyway, I remember Jeff telling +me one day that he could take the whole lot of the hens and sell them +off and crack the money into Chicago wheat on margin and turn it over +in twenty-four hours. He did it too. Only somehow when it was turned +over it came upside down on top of the hens. + +After that the hen house stood empty and The Woman had to throw away +chicken feed every day, at a dead loss of perhaps a shave and a half. +But it made no difference to Jeff, for his mind had floated away +already on the possibilities of what he called "displacement" mining +on the Yukon. + +So you can understand that when the mining boom struck Mariposa, +Jefferson Thorpe was in it right from the very start. Why, no wonder; +it seemed like the finger of Providence. Here was this great silver +country spread out to north of us, where people had thought there was +only a wilderness. And right at our very doors! You could see, as I +saw, the night express going north every evening; for all one knew +Rockefeller or Carnegie or anyone might be on it! Here was the +wealth of Calcutta, as the Mariposa Newspacket put it, poured out at +our very feet. + +So no wonder the town went wild! All day in the street you could hear +men talking of veins, and smelters and dips and deposits and +faults,--the town hummed with it like a geology class on examination +day. And there were men about the hotels with mining outfits and +theodolites and dunnage bags, and at Smith's bar they would hand +chunks of rock up and down, some of which would run as high as ten +drinks to the pound. + +The fever just caught the town and ran through it! Within a fortnight +they put a partition down Robertson's Coal and Wood Office and opened +the Mariposa Mining Exchange, and just about every man on the Main +Street started buying scrip. Then presently young Fizzlechip, who had +been teller in Mullins's Bank and that everybody had thought a +worthless jackass before, came back from the Cobalt country with a +fortune, and loafed round in the Mariposa House in English khaki and +a horizontal hat, drunk all the time, and everybody holding him up as +an example of what it was possible to do if you tried. + +They all went in. Jim Eliot mortgaged the inside of the drug store +and jammed it into Twin Tamagami. Pete Glover at the hardware store +bought Nippewa stock at thirteen cents and sold it to his brother at +seventeen and bought it back in less than a week at nineteen. They +didn't care! They took a chance. Judge Pepperleigh put the rest of +his wife's money into Temiskaming Common, and Lawyer Macartney got +the fever, too, and put every cent that his sister possessed into +Tulip Preferred. + +And even when young Fizzlechip shot himself in the back room of the +Mariposa House, Mr. Gingham buried him in a casket with silver +handles and it was felt that there was a Monte Carlo touch about the +whole thing. + +They all went in--or all except Mr. Smith. You see, Mr. Smith had +come down from there, and he knew all about rocks and mining and +canoes and the north country. He knew what it was to eat flour-baked +dampers under the lee side of a canoe propped among the underbrush, +and to drink the last drop of whiskey within fifty miles. Mr. Smith +had mighty little use for the north. But what he did do, was to buy +up enough early potatoes to send fifteen carload lots into Cobalt at +a profit of five dollars a bag. + +Mr. Smith, I say, hung back. But Jeff Thorpe was in the mining boom +right from the start. He bought in on the Nippewa mine even before +the interim prospectus was out. He took a "block" of 100 shares of +Abbitibbi Development at fourteen cents, and he and Johnson, the +livery stablekeeper next door, formed a syndicate and got a thousand +shares of Metagami Lake at 3 1/4 cents and then "unloaded" them on +one of the sausage men at Netley's butcher shop at a clear cent per +cent advance. + +Jeff would open the little drawer below the mirror in the barber shop +and show you all kinds and sorts of Cobalt country mining +certificates,--blue ones, pink ones, green ones, with outlandish and +fascinating names on them that ran clear from the Mattawa to the +Hudson Bay. + +And right from the start he was confident of winning. "There ain't +no difficulty to it," he said, "there's lots of silver up there in +that country and if you buy some here and some there you can't fail +to come out somewhere. I don't say," he used to continue, with the +scissors open and ready to cut, "that some of the greenhorns won't +get bit. But if a feller knows the country and keeps his head level, +he can't lose." + +Jefferson had looked at so many prospectuses and so many pictures of +mines and pine trees and smelters, that I think he'd forgotten that +he'd never been in the country. Anyway, what's two hundred miles! + +To an onlooker it certainly didn't seem so simple. I never knew the +meanness, the trickery, of the mining business, the sheer obstinate +determination of the bigger capitalists not to make money when they +might, till I heard the accounts of Jeff's different mines. Take the +case of Corona Jewel. There was a good mine, simply going to ruin for +lack of common sense. + +"She ain't been developed," Jeff would say. "There's silver enough in +her so you could dig it out with a shovel. She's full of it. But they +won't get at her and work her." + +Then he'd take a look at the pink and blue certificates of the Corona +Jewel and slam the drawer on them in disgust. Worse than that was +the Silent Pine,--a clear case of stupid incompetence! Utter lack of +engineering skill was all that was keeping the Silent Pine from +making a fortune for its holders. + +"The only trouble with that mine," said Jeff, "is they won't go deep +enough. They followed the vein down to where it kind o' thinned out +and then they quit. If they'd just go right into her good, they'd get +it again. She's down there all right." + +But perhaps the meanest case of all was the Northern Star. That +always seemed to me, every time I heard of it, a straight case for +the criminal law. The thing was so evidently a conspiracy. + +"I bought her," said Jeff, "at thirty-two, and she stayed right there +tight, like she was stuck. Then a bunch of these fellers in the city +started to drive her down and they got her pushed down to +twenty-four, and I held on to her and they shoved her down to +twenty-one. This morning they've got her down to sixteen, but I don't +mean to let go. No, sir." + +In another fortnight they shoved her, the same unscrupulous crowd, +down to nine cents, and Jefferson still held on. "They're working +her down," he admitted, "but I'm holding her." + +No conflict between vice and virtue was ever grimmer. + +"She's at six," said Jeff, "but I've got her. They can't squeeze me." + +A few days after that, the same criminal gang had her down further +than ever. + +"They've got her down to three cents," said Jeff, "but I'm with her. +Yes, sir, they think they can shove her clean off the market, but +they can't do it. I've boughten in Johnson's shares, and the whole of +Netley's, and I'll stay with her till she breaks." + +So they shoved and pushed and clawed her down--that unseen nefarious +crowd in the city--and Jeff held on to her and they writhed and +twisted at his grip, and then-- + +And then--well, that's just the queer thing about the mining +business. Why, sudden as a flash of lightning, it seemed, the news +came over the wire to the Mariposa Newspacket, that they had struck a +vein of silver in the Northern Star as thick as a sidewalk, and that +the stock had jumped to seventeen dollars a share, and even at that +you couldn't get it! And Jeff stood there flushed and half-staggered +against the mirror of the little shop, with a bunch of mining scrip +in his hand that was worth forty thousand dollars! + +Excitement! It was all over the town in a minutes. They ran off a +news extra at the Mariposa Newspacket, and in less than no time there +wasn't standing room in the barber shop, and over in Smith's Hotel +they had three extra barkeepers working on the lager beer pumps. + +They were selling mining shares on the Main Street in Mariposa that +afternoon and people were just clutching for them. Then at night +there was a big oyster supper in Smith's caff, with speeches, and the +Mariposa band outside. + +And the queer thing was that the very next afternoon was the funeral +of young Fizzlechip, and Dean Drone had to change the whole text of +his Sunday sermon at two days' notice for fear of offending public +sentiment. + +But I think what Jeff liked best of it all was the sort of public +recognition that it meant. He'd stand there in the shop, hardly +bothering to shave, and explain to the men in the arm-chairs how he +held her, and they shoved her, and he clung to her, and what he'd +said to himself--a perfect Iliad--while he was clinging to her. + +The whole thing was in the city papers a few days after with a +photograph of Jeff, taken specially at Ed Moore's studio (upstairs +over Netley's). It showed Jeff sitting among palm trees, as all +mining men do, with one hand on his knee, and a dog, one of those +regular mining dogs, at his feet, and a look of piercing intelligence +in his face that would easily account for forty thousand dollars. + +I say that the recognition meant a lot to Jeff for its own sake. But +no doubt the fortune meant quite a bit to him too on account of Myra. + +Did I mention Myra, Jeff's daughter? Perhaps not. That's the trouble +with the people in Mariposa; they're all so separate and so +different--not a bit like the people in the cities--that unless you +hear about them separately and one by one you can't for a moment +understand what they're like. + +Myra had golden hair and a Greek face and would come bursting through +the barber shop in a hat at least six inches wider than what they +wear in Paris. As you saw her swinging up the street to the Telephone +Exchange in a suit that was straight out of the Delineator and brown +American boots, there was style written all over her,--the kind of +thing that Mariposa recognised and did homage to. And to see her in +the Exchange,--she was one of the four girls that I spoke of,--on her +high stool with a steel cap on,--jabbing the connecting plugs in and +out as if electricity cost nothing--well, all I mean is that you +could understand why it was that the commercial travellers would +stand round in the Exchange calling up all sorts of impossible +villages, and waiting about so pleasant and genial!--it made one +realize how naturally good-tempered men are. And then when Myra would +go off duty and Miss Cleghorn, who was sallow, would come on, the +commercial men would be off again like autumn leaves. + +It just shows the difference between people. There was Myra who +treated lovers like dogs and would slap them across the face with a +banana skin to show her utter independence. And there was Miss +Cleghorn, who was sallow, and who bought a forty cent Ancient History +to improve herself: and yet if she'd hit any man in Mariposa with a +banana skin, he'd have had her arrested for assault. + +Mind you, I don't mean that Myra was merely flippant and worthless. +Not at all. She was a girl with any amount of talent. You should have +heard her recite "The Raven," at the Methodist Social! Simply genius! +And when she acted Portia in the Trial Scene of the Merchant of +Venice at the High School concert, everybody in Mariposa admitted +that you couldn't have told it from the original. + +So, of course, as soon as Jeff made the fortune, Myra had her +resignation in next morning and everybody knew that she was to go to +a dramatic school for three months in the fall and become a leading +actress. + +But, as I said, the public recognition counted a lot for Jeff. The +moment you begin to get that sort of thing it comes in quickly +enough. Brains, you know, are recognized right away. That was why, of +course, within a week from this Jeff received the first big packet of +stuff from the Cuban Land Development Company, with coloured pictures +of Cuba, and fields of bananas, and haciendas and insurrectos with +machetes and Heaven knows what. They heard of him, somehow,--it +wasn't for a modest man like Jefferson to say how. After all, the +capitalists of the world are just one and the same crowd. If you're +in it, you're in it, that's all! Jeff realized why it is that of +course men like Carnegie or Rockefeller and Morgan all know one +another. They have to. + +For all I know, this Cuban stuff may have been sent from Morgan +himself. Some of the people in Mariposa said yes, others said no. +There was no certainty. + +Anyway, they were fair and straight, this Cuban crowd that wrote to +Jeff. They offered him to come right in and be one of themselves. If +a man's got the brains, you may as well recognize it straight away. +Just as well write him to be a director now as wait and hesitate till +he forces his way into it. + +Anyhow, they didn't hesitate, these Cuban people that wrote to Jeff +from Cuba--or from a post-office box in New York--it's all the same +thing, because Cuba being so near to New York the mail is all +distributed from there. I suppose in some financial circles they +might have been slower, wanted guarantees of some sort, and so on, +but these Cubans, you know, have got a sort of Spanish warmth of +heart that you don't see in business men in America, and that touches +you. No, they asked no guarantee. Just send the money whether by +express order or by bank draft or cheque, they left that entirely to +oneself, as a matter between Cuban gentlemen. + +And they were quite frank about their enterprise--bananas and tobacco +in the plantation district reclaimed from the insurrectos. You could +see it all there in the pictures--tobacco plants and the +insurrectos--everything. They made no rash promises, just admitted +straight out that the enterprise might realise 400 per cent. or might +conceivably make less. There was no hint of more. + +So within a month, everybody in Mariposa knew that Jeff Thorpe was +"in Cuban lands" and would probably clean up half a million by New +Year's. You couldn't have failed to know it. All round the little +shop there were pictures of banana groves and the harbour of Habana, +and Cubans in white suits and scarlet sashes, smoking cigarettes in +the sun and too ignorant to know that you can make four hundred per +cent. by planting a banana tree. + +I liked it about Jeff that he didn't stop shaving. He went on just +the same. Even when Johnson, the livery stable man, came in with five +hundred dollars and asked him to see if the Cuban Board of Directors +would let him put it in, Jeff laid it in the drawer and then shaved +him for five cents, in the same old way. Of course, he must have felt +proud when, a few days later, he got a letter from the Cuban people, +from New York, accepting the money straight off without a single +question, and without knowing anything more of Johnson except that he +was a friend of Jeff's. They wrote most handsomely. Any friends of +Jeff's were friends of Cuba. All money they might send would be +treated just as Jeff's would be treated. + +One reason, perhaps, why Jeff didn't give up shaving was because it +allowed him to talk about Cuba. You see, everybody knew in Mariposa +that Jeff Thorpe had sold out of Cobalts and had gone into Cuban +Renovated Lands--and that spread round him a kind of halo of wealth +and mystery and outlandishness--oh, something Spanish. Perhaps you've +felt it about people that you know. Anyhow, they asked him about the +climate, and yellow fever and what the negroes were like and all that +sort of thing. + +"This Cubey, it appears is an island," Jeff would explain. Of +course, everybody knows how easily islands lend themselves to making +money,--"and for fruit, they say it comes up so fast you can't stop +it." And then he would pass into details about the Hash-enders and +the resurrectos and technical things like that till it was thought a +wonder how he could know it. Still, it was realized that a man with +money has got to know these things. Look at Morgan and Rockefeller +and all the men that make a pile. They know just as much as Jeff did +about the countries where they make it. It stands to reason. + +Did I say that Jeff shaved in the same old way? Not quite. There was +something even dreamier about it now, and a sort of new element in +the way Jeff fell out of his monotone into lapses of thought that I, +for one, misunderstood. I thought that perhaps getting so much +money,--well, you know the way it acts on people in the larger +cities. It seemed to spoil one's idea of Jeff that copper and +asbestos and banana lands should form the goal of his thought when, +if he knew it, the little shop and the sunlight of Mariposa was so +much better. + +In fact, I had perhaps borne him a grudge for what seemed to me his +perpetual interest in the great capitalists. He always had some item +out of the paper about them. + +"I see where this here Carnegie has give fifty thousand dollars for +one of them observatories," he would say. + +And another day he would pause in the course of shaving, and almost +whisper: "Did you ever _see_ this Rockefeller?" + +It was only by a sort of accident that I came to know that there was +another side to Jefferson's speculation that no one in Mariposa ever +knew, or will ever know now. + +I knew it because I went in to see Jeff in his house one night. The +house,--I think I said it,--stood out behind the barber shop. You +went out of the back door of the shop, and through a grass plot with +petunias beside it, and the house stood at the end. You could see the +light of the lamp behind the blind, and through the screen door as +you came along. And it was here that Jefferson used to sit in the +evenings when the shop got empty. + +There was a round table that The Woman used to lay for supper, and +after supper there used to be a chequered cloth on it and a lamp with +a shade. And beside it Jeff would sit, with his spectacles on and the +paper spread out, reading about Carnegie and Rockefeller. Near him, +but away from the table, was The Woman doing needlework, and Myra, +when she wasn't working in the Telephone Exchange, was there too with +her elbows on the table reading Marie Corelli--only now, of course, +after the fortune, she was reading the prospectuses of Dramatic +Schools. + +So this night,--I don't know just what it was in the paper that +caused it,--Jeff laid down what he was reading and started to talk +about Carnegie. + +"This Carnegie, I bet you, would be worth," said Jeff, closing up his +eyes in calculation, "as much as perhaps two million dollars, if you +was to sell him up. And this Rockefeller and this Morgan, either of +them, to sell them up clean, would be worth another couple of million--" + +I may say in parentheses that it was a favourite method in Mariposa +if you wanted to get at the real worth of a man, to imagine him clean +sold up, put up for auction, as it were. It was the only way to test +him. + +"And now look at 'em," Jeff went on. "They make their money and what +do they do with it? They give it away. And who do they give it to? +Why, to those as don't want it, every time. They give it to these +professors and to this research and that, and do the poor get any of +it? Not a cent and never will." + +"I tell you, boys," continued Jeff (there were no boys present, but +in Mariposa all really important speeches are addressed to an +imaginary audience of boys)--"I tell you, if I was to make a million +out of this Cubey, I'd give it straight to the poor, yes, sir--divide +it up into a hundred lots of a thousand dollars each and give it to +the people that hadn't nothing." + +So always after that I knew just what those bananas were being grown +for. + +Indeed, after that, though Jefferson never spoke of his intentions +directly, he said a number of things that seemed to bear on them. He +asked me, for instance, one day, how many blind people it would take +to fill one of these blind homes and how a feller could get ahold of +them. And at another time he asked whether if a feller advertised for +some of these incurables a feller could get enough of them to make a +showing. I know for a fact that he got Nivens, the lawyer, to draw up +a document that was to give an acre of banana land in Cuba to every +idiot in Missinaba county. + +But still,--what's the use of talking of what Jeff meant to do? +Nobody knows or cares about it now. + +The end of it was bound to come. Even in Mariposa some of the people +must have thought so. Else how was it that Henry Mullins made such a +fuss about selling a draft for forty thousand on New York? And why +was it that Mr. Smith wouldn't pay Billy, the desk clerk, his back +wages when he wanted to put it into Cuba? + +Oh yes; some of them must have seen it. And yet when it came it +seemed so quiet,--ever so quiet,--not a bit like the Northern Star +mine and the oyster supper and the Mariposa band. It is strange how +quiet these things look, the other way round. + +You remember the Cuban Land frauds in New York and Porforio Gomez +shooting the detective, and him and Maximo Morez getting clear away +with two hundred thousand? No, of course you don't; why, even in the +city papers it only filled an inch or two of type, and anyway the +names were hard to remember. That was Jeff's money--part of it. +Mullins got the telegram, from a broker or someone, and he showed it +to Jeff just as he was going up the street with an estate agent to +look at a big empty lot on the hill behind the town--the very place +for these incurables. + +And Jeff went back to the shop so quiet--have you ever seen an animal +that is stricken through, how quiet it seems to move? + +Well, that's how he walked. + +And since that, though it's quite a little while ago, the shop's open +till eleven every night now, and Jeff is shaving away to pay back +that five hundred that Johnson, the livery man, sent to the Cubans, +and-- + +Pathetic? tut! tut! You don't know Mariposa. Jeff has to work pretty +late, but that's nothing--nothing at all, if you've worked hard all +your lifetime. And Myra is back at the Telephone Exchange--they were +glad enough to get her, and she says now that if there's one thing +she hates, it's the stage, and she can't see how the actresses put up +with it. + +Anyway, things are not so bad. You see it was just at this time that +Mr. Smith's caff opened, and Mr. Smith came to Jeff's Woman and said +he wanted seven dozen eggs a day, and wanted them handy, and so the +hens are back, and more of them, and they exult so every morning over +the eggs they lay that if you wanted to talk of Rockefeller in the +barber shop you couldn't hear his name for the cackling. + + + +THREE + +The Marine Excursions of the Knights of Pythias + +Half-past six on a July morning! The Mariposa Belle is at the wharf, +decked in flags, with steam up ready to start. + +Excursion day! + +Half past six on a July morning, and Lake Wissanotti lying in the sun +as calm as glass. The opal colours of the morning light are shot from +the surface of the water. + +Out on the lake the last thin threads of the mist are clearing away +like flecks of cotton wool. + +The long call of the loon echoes over the lake. The air is cool and +fresh. There is in it all the new life of the land of the silent pine +and the moving waters. Lake Wissanotti in the morning sunlight! Don't +talk to me of the Italian lakes, or the Tyrol or the Swiss Alps. Take +them away. Move them somewhere else. I don't want them. + +Excursion Day, at half past six of a summer morning! With the boat +all decked in flags and all the people in Mariposa on the wharf, and +the band in peaked caps with big cornets tied to their bodies ready +to play at any minute! I say! Don't tell me about the Carnival of +Venice and the Delhi Durbar. Don't! I wouldn't look at them. I'd shut +my eyes! For light and colour give me every time an excursion out of +Mariposa down the lake to the Indian's Island out of sight in the +morning mist. Talk of your Papal Zouaves and your Buckingham Palace +Guard! I want to see the Mariposa band in uniform and the Mariposa +Knights of Pythias with their aprons and their insignia and their +picnic baskets and their five-cent cigars! + +Half past six in the morning, and all the crowd on the wharf and the +boat due to leave in half an hour. Notice it!--in half an hour. +Already she's whistled twice (at six, and at six fifteen), and at any +minute now, Christie Johnson will step into the pilot house and pull +the string for the warning whistle that the boat will leave in half +an hour. So keep ready. Don't think of running back to Smith's Hotel +for the sandwiches. Don't be fool enough to try to go up to the Greek +Store, next to Netley's, and buy fruit. You'll be left behind for +sure if you do. Never mind the sandwiches and the fruit! Anyway, +here comes Mr. Smith himself with a huge basket of provender that +would feed a factory. There must be sandwiches in that. I think I can +hear them clinking. And behind Mr. Smith is the German waiter from +the caff with another basket--indubitably lager beer; and behind him, +the bar-tender of the hotel, carrying nothing, as far as one can see. +But of course if you know Mariposa you will understand that why he +looks so nonchalant and empty-handed is because he has two bottles of +rye whiskey under his linen duster. You know, I think, the peculiar +walk of a man with two bottles of whiskey in the inside pockets of a +linen coat. In Mariposa, you see, to bring beer to an excursion is +quite in keeping with public opinion. But, whiskey,--well, one has to +be a little careful. + +Do I say that Mr. Smith is here? Why, everybody's here. There's +Hussell the editor of the Newspacket, wearing a blue ribbon on his +coat, for the Mariposa Knights of Pythias are, by their constitution, +dedicated to temperance; and there's Henry Mullins, the manager of +the Exchange Bank, also a Knight of Pythias, with a small flask of +Pogram's Special in his hip pocket as a sort of amendment to the +constitution. And there's Dean Drone, the Chaplain of the Order, with +a fishing-rod (you never saw such green bass as lie among the rocks +at Indian's Island), and with a trolling line in case of maskinonge, +and a landing net in case of pickerel, and with his eldest daughter, +Lilian Drone, in case of young men. There never was such a fisherman +as the Rev. Rupert Drone. + + +Perhaps I ought to explain that when I speak of the excursion as +being of the Knights of Pythias, the thing must not be understood in +any narrow sense. In Mariposa practically everybody belongs to the +Knights of Pythias just as they do to everything else. That's the +great thing about the town and that's what makes it so different from +the city. Everybody is in everything. + +You should see them on the seventeenth of March, for example, when +everybody wears a green ribbon and they're all laughing and +glad,--you know what the Celtic nature is,--and talking about Home +Rule. + +On St. Andrew's Day every man in town wears a thistle and shakes +hands with everybody else, and you see the fine old Scotch honesty +beaming out of their eyes. + +And on St. George's Day!--well, there's no heartiness like the good +old English spirit, after all; why shouldn't a man feel glad that +he's an Englishman? + +Then on the Fourth of July there are stars and stripes flying over +half the stores in town, and suddenly all the men are seen to smoke +cigars, and to know all about Roosevelt and Bryan and the Philippine +Islands. Then you learn for the first time that Jeff Thorpe's people +came from Massachusetts and that his uncle fought at Bunker Hill (it +must have been Bunker Hill,--anyway Jefferson will swear it was in +Dakota all right enough); and you find that George Duff has a married +sister in Rochester and that her husband is all right; in fact, +George was down there as recently as eight years ago. Oh, it's the +most American town imaginable is Mariposa,--on the fourth of July. + +But wait, just wait, if you feel anxious about the solidity of the +British connection, till the twelfth of the month, when everybody is +wearing an orange streamer in his coat and the Orangemen (every man +in town) walk in the big procession. Allegiance! Well, perhaps you +remember the address they gave to the Prince of Wales on the platform +of the Mariposa station as he went through on his tour to the west. I +think that pretty well settled that question. So you will easily +understand that of course everybody belongs to the Knights of Pythias +and the Masons and Oddfellows, just as they all belong to the Snow +Shoe Club and the Girls' Friendly Society. + +And meanwhile the whistle of the steamer has blown again for a +quarter to seven:--loud and long this time, for any one not here now +is late for certain; unless he should happen to come down in the last +fifteen minutes. + +What a crowd upon the wharf and how they pile on to the steamer! It's +a wonder that the boat can hold them all. But that's just the +marvellous thing about the Mariposa Belle. + +I don't know,--I have never known,--where the steamers like the +Mariposa Belle come from. Whether they are built by Harland and Wolff +of Belfast, or whether, on the other hand, they are not built by +Harland and Wolff of Belfast, is more than one would like to say +offhand. + +The Mariposa Belle always seems to me to have some of those strange +properties that distinguish Mariposa itself. I mean, her size seems +to vary so. If you see her there in the winter, frozen in the ice +beside the wharf with a snowdrift against the windows of the pilot +house, she looks a pathetic little thing the size of a butternut. +But in the summer time, especially after you've been in Mariposa for +a month or two, and have paddled alongside of her in a canoe, she +gets larger and taller, and with a great sweep of black sides, till +you see no difference between the Mariposa Belle and the Lusitania. +Each one is a big steamer and that's all you can say. + +Nor do her measurements help you much. She draws about eighteen +inches forward, and more than that,--at least half an inch more, +astern, and when she's loaded down with an excursion crowd she draws +a good two inches more. And above the water,--why, look at all the +decks on her! There's the deck you walk on to, from the wharf, all +shut in, with windows along it, and the after cabin with the long +table, and above that the deck with all the chairs piled upon it, and +the deck in front where the band stand round in a circle, and the +pilot house is higher than that, and above the pilot house is the +board with the gold name and the flag pole and the steel ropes and +the flags; and fixed in somewhere on the different levels is the +lunch counter where they sell the sandwiches, and the engine room, +and down below the deck level, beneath the water line, is the place +where the crew sleep. What with steps and stairs and passages and +piles of cordwood for the engine,--oh no, I guess Harland and Wolff +didn't build her. They couldn't have. + +Yet even with a huge boat like the Mariposa Belle, it would be +impossible for her to carry all of the crowd that you see in the boat +and on the wharf. In reality, the crowd is made up of two +classes,--all of the people in Mariposa who are going on the +excursion and all those who are not. Some come for the one reason and +some for the other. + +The two tellers of the Exchange Bank are both there standing side by +side. But one of them,--the one with the cameo pin and the long face +like a horse,--is going, and the other,--with the other cameo pin and +the face like another horse,--is not. In the same way, Hussell of the +Newspacket is going, but his brother, beside him, isn't. Lilian Drone +is going, but her sister can't; and so on all through the crowd. + + +And to think that things should look like that on the morning of a +steamboat accident. + +How strange life is! + +To think of all these people so eager and anxious to catch the +steamer, and some of them running to catch it, and so fearful that +they might miss it,--the morning of a steamboat accident. And the +captain blowing his whistle, and warning them so severely that he +would leave them behind,--leave them out of the accident! And +everybody crowding so eagerly to be in the accident. + +Perhaps life is like that all through. + +Strangest of all to think, in a case like this, of the people who +were left behind, or in some way or other prevented from going, and +always afterwards told of how they had escaped being on board the +Mariposa Belle that day! + +Some of the instances were certainly extraordinary. Nivens, the +lawyer, escaped from being there merely by the fact that he was away +in the city. + +Towers, the tailor, only escaped owing to the fact that, not +intending to go on the excursion he had stayed in bed till eight +o'clock and so had not gone. He narrated afterwards that waking up +that morning at half-past five, he had thought of the excursion and +for some unaccountable reason had felt glad that he was not going. + + +The case of Yodel, the auctioneer, was even more inscrutable. He had +been to the Oddfellows' excursion on the train the week before and to +the Conservative picnic the week before that, and had decided not to +go on this trip. In fact, he had not the least intention of going. +He narrated afterwards how the night before someone had stopped him +on the corner of Nippewa and Tecumseh Streets (he indicated the very +spot) and asked: "Are you going to take in the excursion to-morrow?" +and he had said, just as simply as he was talking when narrating it: +"No." And ten minutes after that, at the corner of Dalhousie and +Brock Streets (he offered to lead a party of verification to the +precise place) somebody else had stopped him and asked: "Well, are +you going on the steamer trip to-morrow?" Again he had answered: +"No," apparently almost in the same tone as before. + +He said afterwards that when he heard the rumour of the accident it +seemed like the finger of Providence, and fell on his knees in +thankfulness. + +There was the similar case of Morison (I mean the one in Glover's +hardware store that married one of the Thompsons). He said +afterwards that he had read so much in the papers about accidents +lately,--mining accidents, and aeroplanes and gasoline,--that he had +grown nervous. The night before his wife had asked him at supper: +"Are you going on the excursion?" He had answered: "No, I don't think +I feel like it," and had added: "Perhaps your mother might like to +go." And the next evening just at dusk, when the news ran through the +town, he said the first thought that flashed through his head was: +"Mrs. Thompson's on that boat." + +He told this right as I say it--without the least doubt or confusion. +He never for a moment imagined she was on the Lusitania or the +Olympic or any other boat. He knew she was on this one. He said you +could have knocked him down where he stood. But no one had. Not even +when he got halfway down,--on his knees, and it would have been +easier still to knock him down or kick him. People do miss a lot of +chances. + +Still, as I say, neither Yodel nor Morison nor anyone thought about +there being an accident until just after sundown when they-- + +Well, have you ever heard the long booming whistle of a steamboat two +miles out on the lake in the dusk, and while you listen and count and +wonder, seen the crimson rockets going up against the sky and then +heard the fire bell ringing right there beside you in the town, and +seen the people running to the town wharf? + +That's what the people of Mariposa saw and felt that summer evening +as they watched the Mackinaw life-boat go plunging out into the lake +with seven sweeps to a side and the foam clear to the gunwale with +the lifting stroke of fourteen men! + +But, dear me, I am afraid that this is no way to tell a story. I +suppose the true art would have been to have said nothing about the +accident till it happened. But when you write about Mariposa, or hear +of it, if you know the place, it's all so vivid and real that a thing +like the contrast between the excursion crowd in the morning and the +scene at night leaps into your mind and you must think of it. + + +But never mind about the accident,--let us turn back again to the +morning. + +The boat was due to leave at seven. There was no doubt about the +hour,--not only seven, but seven sharp. The notice in the Newspacket +said: "The boat will leave sharp at seven;" and the advertising +posters on the telegraph poles on Missinaba Street that began "Ho, +for Indian's Island!" ended up with the words: "Boat leaves at seven +sharp." There was a big notice on the wharf that said: "Boat leaves +sharp on time." + +So at seven, right on the hour, the whistle blew loud and long, and +then at seven fifteen three short peremptory blasts, and at seven +thirty one quick angry call,--just one,--and very soon after that +they cast off the last of the ropes and the Mariposa Belle sailed off +in her cloud of flags, and the band of the Knights of Pythias, timing +it to a nicety, broke into the "Maple Leaf for Ever!" + +I suppose that all excursions when they start are much the same. +Anyway, on the Mariposa Belle everybody went running up and down all +over the boat with deck chairs and camp stools and baskets, and found +places, splendid places to sit, and then got scared that there might +be better ones and chased off again. People hunted for places out of +the sun and when they got them swore that they weren't going to +freeze to please anybody; and the people in the sun said that they +hadn't paid fifty cents to be roasted. Others said that they hadn't +paid fifty cents to get covered with cinders, and there were still +others who hadn't paid fifty cents to get shaken to death with the +propeller. + +Still, it was all right presently. The people seemed to get sorted +out into the places on the boat where they belonged. The women, the +older ones, all gravitated into the cabin on the lower deck and by +getting round the table with needlework, and with all the windows +shut, they soon had it, as they said themselves, just like being at +home. + +All the young boys and the toughs and the men in the band got down +on the lower deck forward, where the boat was dirtiest and where the +anchor was and the coils of rope. + +And upstairs on the after deck there were Lilian Drone and +Miss Lawson, the high school teacher, with a book of German +poetry,--Gothey I think it was,--and the bank teller and the +younger men. + +In the centre, standing beside the rail, were Dean Drone and Dr. +Gallagher, looking through binocular glasses at the shore. + +Up in front on the little deck forward of the pilot house was a group +of the older men, Mullins and Duff and Mr. Smith in a deck chair, +and beside him Mr. Golgotha Gingham, the undertaker of Mariposa, on a +stool. It was part of Mr. Gingham's principles to take in an outing +of this sort, a business matter, more or less,--for you never know +what may happen at these water parties. At any rate, he was there in +a neat suit of black, not, of course, his heavier or professional +suit, but a soft clinging effect as of burnt paper that combined +gaiety and decorum to a nicety. + + +"Yes," said Mr. Gingham, waving his black glove in a general way +towards the shore, "I know the lake well, very well. I've been pretty +much all over it in my time." + +"Canoeing?" asked somebody. + +"No," said Mr. Gingham, "not in a canoe." There seemed a peculiar and +quiet meaning in his tone. + +"Sailing, I suppose," said somebody else. + +"No," said Mr. Gingham. "I don't understand it." + +"I never knowed that you went on to the water at all, Gol," said Mr. +Smith, breaking in. + +"Ah, not now," explained Mr. Gingham; "it was years ago, the first +summer I came to Mariposa. I was on the water practically all day. +Nothing like it to give a man an appetite and keep him in shape." + +"Was you camping?" asked Mr. Smith. + +"We camped at night," assented the undertaker, "but we put in +practically the whole day on the water. You see we were after a party +that had come up here from the city on his vacation and gone out in a +sailing canoe. We were dragging. We were up every morning at sunrise, +lit a fire on the beach and cooked breakfast, and then we'd light our +pipes and be off with the net for a whole day. It's a great life," +concluded Mr. Gingham wistfully. + +"Did you get him?" asked two or three together. + +There was a pause before Mr. Gingham answered. + +"We did," he said,--"down in the reeds past Horseshoe Point. But it +was no use. He turned blue on me right away." + +After which Mr. Gingham fell into such a deep reverie that the boat +had steamed another half mile down the lake before anybody broke the +silence again. + +Talk of this sort,--and after all what more suitable for a day on the +water?--beguiled the way. + + +Down the lake, mile by mile over the calm water, steamed the Mariposa +Belle. They passed Poplar Point where the high sand-banks are with +all the swallows' nests in them, and Dean Drone and Dr. Gallagher +looked at them alternately through the binocular glasses, and it was +wonderful how plainly one could see the swallows and the banks and +the shrubs,--just as plainly as with the naked eye. + +And a little further down they passed the Shingle Beach, and Dr. +Gallagher, who knew Canadian history, said to Dean Drone that it was +strange to think that Champlain had landed there with his French +explorers three hundred years ago; and Dean Drone, who didn't know +Canadian history, said it was stranger still to think that the hand +of the Almighty had piled up the hills and rocks long before that; +and Dr. Gallagher said it was wonderful how the French had found +their way through such a pathless wilderness; and Dean Drone said +that it was wonderful also to think that the Almighty had placed even +the smallest shrub in its appointed place. Dr. Gallagher said it +filled him with admiration. Dean Drone said it filled him with awe. +Dr. Gallagher said he'd been full of it ever since he was a boy; and +Dean Drone said so had he. + +Then a little further, as the Mariposa Belle steamed on down the +lake, they passed the Old Indian Portage where the great grey rocks +are; and Dr. Gallagher drew Dean Drone's attention to the place where +the narrow canoe track wound up from the shore to the woods, and Dean +Drone said he could see it perfectly well without the glasses. + +Dr. Gallagher said that it was just here that a party of five hundred +French had made their way with all their baggage and accoutrements +across the rocks of the divide and down to the Great Bay. And Dean +Drone said that it reminded him of Xenophon leading his ten thousand +Greeks over the hill passes of Armenia down to the sea. Dr. +Gallagher said the he had often wished he could have seen and spoken +to Champlain, and Dean Drone said how much he regretted to have never +known Xenophon. + +And then after that they fell to talking of relics and traces of the +past, and Dr. Gallagher said that if Dean Drone would come round to +his house some night he would show him some Indian arrow heads that +he had dug up in his garden. And Dean Drone said that if Dr. +Gallagher would come round to the rectory any afternoon he would show +him a map of Xerxes' invasion of Greece. Only he must come some time +between the Infant Class and the Mothers' Auxiliary. + +So presently they both knew that they were blocked out of one +another's houses for some time to come, and Dr. Gallagher walked +forward and told Mr. Smith, who had never studied Greek, about +Champlain crossing the rock divide. + +Mr. Smith turned his head and looked at the divide for half a second +and then said he had crossed a worse one up north back of the +Wahnipitae and that the flies were Hades,--and then went on playing +freezeout poker with the two juniors in Duff's bank. + +So Dr. Gallagher realized that that's always the way when you try to +tell people things, and that as far as gratitude and appreciation +goes one might as well never read books or travel anywhere or do +anything. + +In fact, it was at this very moment that he made up his mind to give +the arrows to the Mariposa Mechanics' Institute,--they afterwards +became, as you know, the Gallagher Collection. But, for the time +being, the doctor was sick of them and wandered off round the boat +and watched Henry Mullins showing George Duff how to make a John +Collins without lemons, and finally went and sat down among the +Mariposa band and wished that he hadn't come. + +So the boat steamed on and the sun rose higher and higher, and the +freshness of the morning changed into the full glare of noon, and +they went on to where the lake began to narrow in at its foot, just +where the Indian's Island is, all grass and trees and with a log +wharf running into the water: Below it the Lower Ossawippi runs out +of the lake, and quite near are the rapids, and you can see down +among the trees the red brick of the power house and hear the roar of +the leaping water. + +The Indian's Island itself is all covered with trees and tangled +vines, and the water about it is so still that it's all reflected +double and looks the same either way up. Then when the steamer's +whistle blows as it comes into the wharf, you hear it echo among the +trees of the island, and reverberate back from the shores of the +lake. + +The scene is all so quiet and still and unbroken, that Miss +Cleghorn,--the sallow girl in the telephone exchange, that I spoke +of--said she'd like to be buried there. But all the people were so +busy getting their baskets and gathering up their things that no one +had time to attend to it. + +I mustn't even try to describe the landing and the boat crunching +against the wooden wharf and all the people running to the same side +of the deck and Christie Johnson calling out to the crowd to keep to +the starboard and nobody being able to find it. Everyone who has been +on a Mariposa excursion knows all about that. + +Nor can I describe the day itself and the picnic under the trees. +'There were speeches afterwards, and Judge Pepperleigh gave such +offence by bringing in Conservative politics that a man called +Patriotus Canadiensis wrote and asked for some of the invaluable +space of the Mariposa Times-Herald and exposed it. + +I should say that there were races too, on the grass on the open side +of the island, graded mostly according to ages, races for boys under +thirteen and girls over nineteen and all that sort of thing. Sports +are generally conducted on that plan in Mariposa. It is realized that +a woman of sixty has an unfair advantage over a mere child. + +Dean Drone managed the races and decided the ages and gave out the +prizes; the Wesleyan minister helped, and he and the young student, +who was relieving in the Presbyterian Church, held the string at the +winning point. + +They had to get mostly clergymen for the races because all the men +had wandered off, somehow, to where they were drinking lager beer out +of two kegs stuck on pine logs among the trees. + +But if you've ever been on a Mariposa excursion you know all about +these details anyway. + +So the day wore on and presently the sun came through the trees on a +slant and the steamer whistle blew with a great puff of white steam +and all the people came straggling down to the wharf and pretty soon +the Mariposa Belle had floated out on to the lake again and headed +for the town, twenty miles away. + + +I suppose you have often noticed the contrast there is between an +excursion on its way out in the morning and what it looks like on the +way home. + +In the morning everybody is so restless and animated and moves to and +fro all over the boat and asks questions. But coming home, as the +afternoon gets later and the sun sinks beyond the hills, all the +people seem to get so still and quiet and drowsy. + +So it was with the people on the Mariposa Belle. They sat there on +the benches and the deck chairs in little clusters, and listened to +the regular beat of the propeller and almost dozed off asleep as they +sat. Then when the sun set and the dusk drew on, it grew almost dark +on the deck and so still that you could hardly tell there was anyone +on board. + +And if you had looked at the steamer from the shore or from one of +the islands, you'd have seen the row of lights from the cabin windows +shining on the water and the red glare of the burning hemlock from +the funnel, and you'd have heard the soft thud of the propeller miles +away over the lake. + +Now and then, too, you could have heard them singing on the +steamer,--the voices of the girls and the men blended into +unison by the distance, rising and falling in long-drawn melody: +"O--Can-a-da--O--Can-a-da." + +You may talk as you will about the intoning choirs of your European +cathedrals, but the sound of "O--Can-a-da," borne across the waters +of a silent lake at evening is good enough for those of us who know +Mariposa. + +I think that it was just as they were singing like this: +"O--Can-a-da," that word went round that the boat was sinking. + +If you have ever been in any sudden emergency on the water, you will +understand the strange psychology of it,--the way in which what is +happening seems to become known all in a moment without a word being +said. The news is transmitted from one to the other by some +mysterious process. + +At any rate, on the Mariposa Belle first one and then the other heard +that the steamer was sinking. As far as I could ever learn the first +of it was that George Duff, the bank manager, came very quietly to +Dr. Gallagher and asked him if he thought that the boat was sinking. +The doctor said no, that he had thought so earlier in the day but +that he didn't now think that she was. + +After that Duff, according to his own account, had said to Macartney, +the lawyer, that the boat was sinking, and Macartney said that he +doubted it very much. + +Then somebody came to Judge Pepperleigh and woke him up and said that +there was six inches of water in the steamer and that she was +sinking. And Pepperleigh said it was perfect scandal and passed the +news on to his wife and she said that they had no business to allow +it and that if the steamer sank that was the last excursion she'd go +on. + +So the news went all round the boat and everywhere the people +gathered in groups and talked about it in the angry and excited way +that people have when a steamer is sinking on one of the lakes like +Lake Wissanotti. + +Dean Drone, of course, and some others were quieter about it, and +said that one must make allowances and that naturally there were two +sides to everything. But most of them wouldn't listen to reason at +all. I think, perhaps, that some of them were frightened. You see the +last time but one that the steamer had sunk, there had been a man +drowned and it made them nervous. + +What? Hadn't I explained about the depth of Lake Wissanotti? I had +taken it for granted that you knew; and in any case parts of it are +deep enough, though I don't suppose in this stretch of it from the +big reed beds up to within a mile of the town wharf, you could find +six feet of water in it if you tried. Oh, pshaw! I was not talking +about a steamer sinking in the ocean and carrying down its screaming +crowds of people into the hideous depths of green water. Oh, dear me +no! That kind of thing never happens on Lake Wissanotti. + +But what does happen is that the Mariposa Belle sinks every now and +then, and sticks there on the bottom till they get things +straightened up. + +On the lakes round Mariposa, if a person arrives late anywhere and +explains that the steamer sank, everybody understands the situation. + +You see when Harland and Wolff built the Mariposa Belle, they left +some cracks in between the timbers that you fill up with cotton waste +every Sunday. If this is not attended to, the boat sinks. In fact, it +is part of the law of the province that all the steamers like the +Mariposa Belle must be properly corked,--I think that is the +word,--every season. There are inspectors who visit all the hotels in +the province to see that it is done. + +So you can imagine now that I've explained it a little straighter, +the indignation of the people when they knew that the boat had come +uncorked and that they might be stuck out there on a shoal or a +mud-bank half the night. + +I don't say either that there wasn't any danger; anyway, it doesn't +feel very safe when you realize that the boat is settling down with +every hundred yards that she goes, and you look over the side and see +only the black water in the gathering night. + +Safe! I'm not sure now that I come to think of it that it isn't worse +than sinking in the Atlantic. After all, in the Atlantic there is +wireless telegraphy, and a lot of trained sailors and stewards. But +out on Lake Wissanotti,--far out, so that you can only just see the +lights of the town away off to the south,--when the propeller comes +to a stop,--and you can hear the hiss of steam as they start to rake +out the engine fires to prevent an explosion,--and when you turn from +the red glare that comes from the furnace doors as they open them, to +the black dark that is gathering over the lake,--and there's a night +wind beginning to run among the rushes,--and you see the men going +forward to the roof of the pilot house to send up the rockets to +rouse the town, safe? Safe yourself, if you like; as for me, let me +once get back into Mariposa again, under the night shadow of the +maple trees, and this shall be the last, last time I'll go on Lake +Wissanotti. + +Safe! Oh yes! Isn't it strange how safe other people's adventures +seem after they happen? But you'd have been scared, too, if you'd +been there just before the steamer sank, and seen them bringing up +all the women on to the top deck. + +I don't see how some of the people took it so calmly; how Mr. Smith, +for instance, could have gone on smoking and telling how he'd had a +steamer "sink on him" on Lake Nipissing and a still bigger one, a +side-wheeler, sink on him in Lake Abbitibbi. + +Then, quite suddenly, with a quiver, down she went. You could feel +the boat sink, sink,--down, down,--would it never get to the bottom? +The water came flush up to the lower deck, and then,--thank +heaven,--the sinking stopped and there was the Mariposa Belle safe +and tight on a reed bank. + +Really, it made one positively laugh! It seemed so queer and, anyway, +if a man has a sort of natural courage, danger makes him laugh. +Danger! pshaw! fiddlesticks! everybody scouted the idea. Why, it is +just the little things like this that give zest to a day on the +water. + +Within half a minute they were all running round looking for +sandwiches and cracking jokes and talking of making coffee over the +remains of the engine fires. + + +I don't need to tell at length how it all happened after that. + +I suppose the people on the Mariposa Belle would have had to settle +down there all night or till help came from the town, but some of the +men who had gone forward and were peering out into the dark said that +it couldn't be more than a mile across the water to Miller's Point. +You could almost see it over there to the left,--some of them, I +think, said "off on the port bow," because you know when you get +mixed up in these marine disasters, you soon catch the atmosphere of +the thing. + +So pretty soon they had the davits swung out over the side and were +lowering the old lifeboat from the top deck into the water. + +There were men leaning out over the rail of the Mariposa Belle with +lanterns that threw the light as they let her down, and the glare +fell on the water and the reeds. But when they got the boat lowered, +it looked such a frail, clumsy thing as one saw it from the rail +above, that the cry was raised: "Women and children first!" For what +was the sense, if it should turn out that the boat wouldn't even hold +women and children, of trying to jam a lot of heavy men into it? + +So they put in mostly women and children and the boat pushed out into +the darkness so freighted down it would hardly float. + +In the bow of it was the Presbyterian student who was relieving the +minister, and he called out that they were in the hands of +Providence. But he was crouched and ready to spring out of them at +the first moment. + +So the boat went and was lost in the darkness except for the lantern +in the bow that you could see bobbing on the water. Then presently it +came back and they sent another load, till pretty soon the decks +began to thin out and everybody got impatient to be gone. + +It was about the time that the third boat-load put off that Mr. Smith +took a bet with Mullins for twenty-five dollars, that he'd be home in +Mariposa before the people in the boats had walked round the shore. + +No one knew just what he meant, but pretty soon they saw Mr. Smith +disappear down below into the lowest part of the steamer with a +mallet in one hand and a big bundle of marline in the other. + +They might have wondered more about it, but it was just at this time +that they heard the shouts from the rescue boat--the big Mackinaw +lifeboat--that had put out from the town with fourteen men at the +sweeps when they saw the first rockets go up. + +I suppose there is always something inspiring about a rescue at sea, +or on the water. + +After all, the bravery of the lifeboat man is the true +bravery,--expended to save life, not to destroy it. + +Certainly they told for months after of how the rescue boat came out +to the Mariposa Belle. + +I suppose that when they put her in the water the lifeboat touched it +for the first time since the old Macdonald Government placed her on +Lake Wissanotti. + +Anyway, the water poured in at every seam. But not for a +moment,--even with two miles of water between them and the +steamer,--did the rowers pause for that. + +By the time they were half-way there the water was almost up to the +thwarts, but they drove her on. Panting and exhausted (for mind you, +if you haven't been in a fool boat like that for years, rowing takes +it out of you), the rowers stuck to their task. They threw the +ballast over and chucked into the water the heavy cork jackets and +lifebelts that encumbered their movements. There was no thought of +turning back. They were nearer to the steamer than the shore. + +"Hang to it, boys," called the crowd from the steamer's deck, and +hang they did. + +They were almost exhausted when they got them; men leaning from the +steamer threw them ropes and one by one every man was hauled aboard +just as the lifeboat sank under their feet. + +Saved! by Heaven, saved, by one of the smartest pieces of rescue work +ever seen on the lake. + +There's no use describing it; you need to see rescue work of this +kind by lifeboats to understand it. + +Nor were the lifeboat crew the only ones that distinguished +themselves. + +Boat after boat and canoe after canoe had put out from Mariposa to +the help of the steamer. They got them all. + +Pupkin, the other bank teller, with a face like a horse, who +hadn't gone on the excursion,--as soon as he knew that the boat +was signalling for help and that Miss Lawson was sending up +rockets,--rushed for a row boat, grabbed an oar (two would have +hampered him), and paddled madly out into the lake. He struck right +out into the dark with the crazy skiff almost sinking beneath his +feet. But they got him. They rescued him. They watched him, almost +dead with exhaustion, make his way to the steamer, where he was +hauled up with ropes. Saved! Saved!! + + +They might have gone on that way half the night, picking up the +rescuers, only, at the very moment when the tenth load of people left +for the shore,--just as suddenly and saucily as you please, up came +the Mariposa Belle from the mud bottom and floated. + +FLOATED? + +Why, of course she did. If you take a hundred and fifty people off a +steamer that has sunk, and if you get a man as shrewd as Mr. Smith to +plug the timber seams with mallet and marline, and if you turn ten +bandsmen of the Mariposa band on to your hand pump on the bow of the +lower decks--float? why, what else can she do? + +Then, if you stuff in hemlock into the embers of the fire that you +were raking out, till it hums and crackles under the boiler, it won't +be long before you hear the propeller thud thudding at the stern +again, and before the long roar of the steam whistle echoes over to +the town. + +And so the Mariposa Belle, with all steam up again and with the long +train of sparks careering from the funnel, is heading for the town. + +But no Christie Johnson at the wheel in the pilot house this time. + +"Smith! Get Smith!" is the cry. + +Can he take her in? Well, now! Ask a man who has had steamers sink on +him in half the lakes from Temiscaming to the Bay, if he can take her +in? Ask a man who has run a York boat down the rapids of the Moose +when the ice is moving, if he can grip the steering wheel of the +Mariposa Belle? So there she steams safe and sound to the town wharf! + +Look at the lights and the crowd! If only the federal census taker +could count us now! Hear them calling and shouting back and forward +from the deck to the shore! Listen! There is the rattle of the +shore ropes as they get them ready, and there's the Mariposa +band,--actually forming in a circle on the upper deck just as she +docks, and the leader with his baton,--one--two--ready now,-- + +"O CAN-A-DA!" + + + +FOUR + +The Ministrations of the Rev. Mr. Drone + +The Church of England in Mariposa is on a side street, where the +maple trees are thickest, a little up the hill from the heart of the +town. The trees above the church and the grass plot that was once the +cemetery, till they made the new one (the Necropolis, over the brow +of the hill), fill out the whole corner. Down behind the church, with +only the driving shed and a lane between, is the rectory. It is a +little brick house with odd angles. There is a hedge and a little +gate, and a weeping ash tree with red berries. + +At the side of the rectory, churchward, is a little grass lawn with +low hedges and at the side of that two wild plum trees, that are +practically always in white blossom. Underneath them is a rustic +table and chairs, and it is here that you may see Rural Dean Drone, +the incumbent of the Church of England Church, sitting, in the +chequered light of the plum tress that is neither sun nor shadow. +Generally you will find him reading, and when I tell you that at the +end of the grass plot where the hedge is highest there is a yellow +bee hive with seven bees that belong to Dean Drone, you will realize +that it is only fitting that the Dean is reading in the Greek. For +what better could a man be reading beneath the blossom of the plum +trees, within the very sound of the bees, than the Pastorals of +Theocritus? The light trash of modern romance might put a man to +sleep in such a spot, but with such food for reflection as +Theocritus, a man may safely close his eyes and muse on what he reads +without fear of dropping into slumber. + +Some men, I suppose, terminate their education when they leave their +college. Not so Dean Drone. I have often heard him say that if he +couldn't take a book in the Greek out on the lawn in a spare half +hour, he would feel lost. It's a certain activity of the brain that +must be stilled somehow. The Dean, too, seemed to have a native +feeling for the Greek language. I have often heard people who might +sit with him on the lawn, ask him to translate some of it. But he +always refused. One couldn't translate it, he said. It lost so much +in the translation that it was better not to try. It was far wiser +not to attempt it. If you undertook to translate it, there was +something gone, something missing immediately. I believe that many +classical scholars feel this way, and like to read the Greek just as +it is, without the hazard of trying to put it into so poor a medium +as English. So that when Dean Drone said that he simply couldn't +translate it, I believe he was perfectly sincere. + +Sometimes, indeed, he would read it aloud. That was another matter. +Whenever, for example, Dr. Gallagher--I mean, of course, old Dr. +Gallagher, not the young doctor (who was always out in the country in +the afternoon)--would come over and bring his latest Indian relics +to show to the Dean, the latter always read to him a passage or two. +As soon as the doctor laid his tomahawk on the table, the Dean would +reach for his Theocritus. I remember that on the day when Dr. +Gallagher brought over the Indian skull that they had dug out of the +railway embankment, and placed it on the rustic table, the Dean read +to him so long from Theocritus that the doctor, I truly believe, +dozed off in his chair. The Dean had to wait and fold his hands with +the book across his knee, and close his eyes till the doctor should +wake up again. And the skull was on the table between them, and from +above the plum blossoms fluttered down, till they made flakes on it +as white as Dr. Gallagher's hair. + +I don't want you to suppose that the Rev. Mr. Drone spent the +whole of his time under the trees. Not at all. In point of fact, the +rector's life was one round of activity which lie himself might +deplore but was powerless to prevent. He had hardly sat down beneath +the trees of an afternoon after his mid-day meal when there was the +Infant Class at three, and after that, with scarcely an hour between, +the Mothers' Auxiliary at five, and the next morning the Book Club, +and that evening the Bible Study Class, and the next morning the +Early Workers' Guild at eleven-thirty. The whole week was like that, +and if one found time to sit down for an hour or so to recuperate it +was the most one could do. After all, if a busy man spends the little +bit of leisure that he gets in advanced classical study, there is +surely no harm in it. I suppose, take it all in all, there wasn't a +busier man than the Rural Dean among the Anglican clergy of the +diocese. + +If the Dean ever did snatch a half-day from his incessant work, he +spent it in fishing. But not always that, for as likely as not, +instead of taking a real holiday he would put in the whole afternoon +amusing the children and the boys that he knew, by making kites and +toys and clockwork steamboats for them. + +It was fortunate for the Dean that he had the strange interest and +aptitude for mechanical advices which he possessed, or otherwise this +kind of thing would have been too cruel an imposition. But the Rev. +Mr. Drone had a curious liking for machinery. I think I never heard +him preach a better sermon than the one on Aeroplanes (Lo, what now +see you on high Jeremiah Two). + +So it was that he spent two whole days making a kite with Chinese +wings for Teddy Moore, the photographer's son, and closed down the +infant class for forty-eight hours so that Teddy Moore should not +miss the pleasure of flying it, or rather seeing it flown. It is +foolish to trust a Chinese kite to the hands of a young child. + +In the same way the Dean made a mechanical top for little Marjorie +Trewlaney, the cripple, to see spun: it would have been unwise to +allow the afflicted girl to spin it. There was no end to the things +that Mr. Drone could make, and always for the children. Even when he +was making the sand-clock for poor little Willie Yodel (who died, you +know) the Dean went right on with it and gave it to another child +with just the same pleasure. Death, you know, to the clergy is a +different thing from what it is to us. The Dean and Mr. Gingham used +often to speak of it as they walked through the long grass of the new +cemetery, the Necropolis. And when your Sunday walk is to your wife's +grave, as the Dean's was, perhaps it seems different to anybody. + +The Church of England Church, I said; stood close to the rectory, a +tall, sweeping church, and inside a great reach of polished cedar +beams that ran to the point of the roof. There used to stand on the +same spot the little stone church that all the grown-up people in +Mariposa still remember, a quaint little building in red and grey +stone. About it was the old cemetery, but that was all smoothed out +later into the grass plot round the new church, and the headstones +laid out flat, and no new graves have been put there for ever so +long. But the Mariposa children still walk round and read the +headstones lying flat in the grass and look for the old ones,-- +because some of them are ever so old--forty or fifty years back. + +Nor are you to think from all this that the Dean was not a man with +serious perplexities. You could easily convince yourself of the +contrary. For if you watched the Rev. Mr. Drone as he sat reading in +the Greek, you would notice that no very long period every passed +without his taking up a sheet or two of paper that lay between the +leaves of the Theocritus and that were covered close with figures. + +And these the Dean would lay upon the rustic table, and he would add +them up forwards and backwards, going first up the column and then +down it to see that nothing had been left out, and then down it again +to see what it was that must have been left out. + +Mathematics, you will understand, were not the Dean's forte. They +never were the forte of the men who had been trained at the little +Anglican college with the clipped hedges and the cricket ground, +where Rupert Drone had taken the gold medal in Greek fifty-two years +ago. You will see the medal at any time lying there in its open box +on the rectory table, in case of immediate need. Any of the Drone +girls, Lilian, or Jocelyn, or Theodora, would show it to you. But, as +I say, mathematics were not the rector's forte, and he blamed for it +(in a Christian spirit, you will understand) the memory of his +mathematical professor, and often he spoke with great bitterness. I +have often heard him say that in his opinion the colleges ought to +dismiss, of course in a Christian spirit, all the professors who are +not, in the most reverential sense of the term, fit for their jobs. + +No doubt many of the clergy of the diocese had suffered more or less +just as the Dean had from lack of mathematical training. But the Dean +always felt that his own case was especially to be lamented. For you +see, if a man is trying to make a model aeroplane--for a poor family +in the lower part of the town--and he is brought to a stop by the +need of reckoning the coefficient of torsion of cast-iron rods, it +shows plainly enough that the colleges are not truly filling their +divine mission. + + +But the figures that I speak of were not those of the model +aeroplane. These were far more serious. Night and day they had been +with the rector now for the best part of ten years, and they grew, if +anything, more intricate. + +If, for example, you try to reckon the debt of a church--a large +church with a great sweep of polished cedar beams inside, for the +special glorification of the All Powerful, and with imported tiles on +the roof for the greater glory of Heaven and with stained-glass +windows for the exaltation of the All Seeing--if, I say, you try to +reckon up the debt on such a church and figure out its interest and +its present worth, less a fixed annual payment, it makes a pretty +complicated sum. Then if you try to add to this the annual cost of +insurance, and deduct from it three-quarters of a stipend, year by +year, and then suddenly remember that three-quarters is too much, +because you have forgotten the boarding-school fees of the littlest +of the Drones (including French, as an extra--she must have it, all +the older girls did), you have got a sum that pretty well defies +ordinary arithmetic. The provoking part of it was that the Dean knew +perfectly well that with the help of logarithms he could have done +the thing in a moment. But at the Anglican college they had stopped +short at that very place in the book. They had simply explained that +Logos was a word and Arithmos a number, which at the time, seemed +amply sufficient. + +So the Dean was perpetually taking out his sheets of figures, and +adding them upwards and downwards, and they never came the same. Very +often Mr. Gingham, who was a warden, would come and sit beside the +rector and ponder over the figures, and Mr. Drone would explain that +with a book of logarithms you could work it out in a moment. You +would simply open the book and run your finger up the columns (he +illustrated exactly the way in which the finger was moved), and there +you were. Mr. Gingham said that it was a caution, and that logarithms +(I quote his exact phrase) must be a terror. + +Very often, too, Nivens, the lawyer, who was a sidesman, and Mullins, +the manager of the Exchange Bank, who was the chairman of the vestry, +would come and take a look, at the figures. But they never could make +much of them, because the stipend part was not a matter that one +could discuss. + +Mullins would notice the item for a hundred dollars due on fire +insurance and would say; as a business man, that surely that couldn't +be fire insurance, and the Dean would say surely not, and change it: +and Mullins would say surely there couldn't be fifty dollars for +taxes, because there weren't any taxes, and the Dean would admit that +of course it couldn't be for the taxes. In fact, the truth is that +the Dean's figures were badly mixed, and the fault lay indubitably +with the mathematical professor of two generations back. + +It was always Mullins's intention some day to look into the finances +of the church, the more so as his father had been with Dean Drone at +the little Anglican college with the cricket ground. But he was a +busy man. As he explained to the rector himself, the banking business +nowadays is getting to be such that a banker can hardly call even his +Sunday mornings his own. Certainly Henry Mullins could not. They +belonged largely to Smith's Hotel, and during the fishing season they +belonged away down the lake, so far away that practically no one, +unless it was George Duff of the Commercial Bank, could see them. + +But to think that all this trouble had come through the building of +the new church. + +That was the bitterness of it. + +For the twenty-five years that Rural Dean Drone had preached in the +little stone church, it had been his one aim, as he often put it in +his sermons, to rear a larger Ark in Gideon. His one hope had been to +set up a greater Evidence, or, very simply stated, to kindle a +Brighter Beacon. + +After twenty-five years of waiting, he had been able at last to +kindle it. Everybody in Mariposa remembers the building of the +church. First of all they had demolished the little stone church to +make way for the newer Evidence. It seemed almost a sacrilege, as +the Dean himself said, to lay hands on it. Indeed it was at first +proposed to take the stone of it and build it into a Sunday School, +as a lesser testimony. Then, when that provided impracticable, it was +suggested that the stone be reverently fashioned into a wall that +should stand as a token. And when even that could not be managed, the +stone of the little church was laid reverently into a stone pile; +afterwards it was devoutly sold to a building contractor, and, like +so much else in life, was forgotten. + +But the building of the church, no one, I think, will forget. The +Dean threw himself into the work. With his coat off and his white +shirt-sleeves conspicuous among the gang that were working at the +foundations, he set his hand to the shovel, himself guided the +road-scraper, urging on the horses; cheering and encouraging the men, +till they begged him to desist. He mingled with the stone-masons, +advising, helping, and giving counsel, till they pleaded with him to +rest. He was among the carpenters, sawing, hammering, enquiring, +suggesting, till they besought him to lay off. And he was night and +day with the architect's assistants, drawing, planning, revising, +till the architect told him to cut it out. + +So great was his activity, that I doubt whether the new church would +ever have been finished, had not the wardens and the vestry men +insisted that Mr. Drone must take a holiday, and sent him on the +Mackinaw trip up the lakes,--the only foreign travel of the Dean's +life. + + +So in due time the New Church was built and it towered above the +maple trees of Mariposa like a beacon on a hill. It stood so high +that from the open steeple of it, where the bells were, you could see +all the town lying at its feet, and the farmsteads to the south of +it, and the railway like a double pencil line, and Lake Wissanotti +spread out like a map. You could see and appreciate things from the +height of the new church,--such as the size and the growing wealth of +Mariposa,--that you never could have seen from the little stone +church at all. + +Presently the church was opened and the Dean preached his first +sermon in it, and he called it a Greater Testimony, and he said that +it was an earnest, or first fruit of endeavour, and that it was a +token or pledge, and he named it also a covenant. He said, too, that +it was an anchorage and a harbour and a lighthouse as well as being a +city set upon a hill; and he ended by declaring it an Ark of Refuge +and notified them that the Bible Class would meet in the basement of +it on that and every other third Wednesday. + +In the opening months of preaching about it the Dean had called the +church so often an earnest and a pledge and a guerdon and a +tabernacle, that I think he used to forget that it wasn't paid for. +It was only when the agent of the building society and a +representative of the Hosanna Pipe and Steam Organ Co. (Limited), +used to call for quarterly payments that he was suddenly reminded of +the fact. Always after these men came round the Dean used to preach a +special sermon on sin, in the course of which he would mention that +the ancient Hebrews used to put unjust traders to death,--a thing of +which he spoke with Christian serenity. + +I don't think that at first anybody troubled much about the debt on +the church. Dean Drone's figures showed that it was only a matter of +time before it would be extinguished; only a little effort was +needed, a little girding up of the loins of the congregation and they +could shoulder the whole debt and trample it under their feet. Let +them but set their hands to the plough and they could soon guide it +into the deep water. Then they might furl their sails and sit every +man under his own olive tree. + +Meantime, while the congregation was waiting to gird up its loins, +the interest on the debt was paid somehow, or, when it wasn't paid, +was added to the principal. + +I don't know whether you have had any experience with Greater +Testimonies and with Beacons set on Hills. If you have, you will +realize how, at first gradually, and then rapidly, their position +from year to year grows more distressing. What with the building loan +and the organ instalment, and the fire insurance,--a cruel charge,-- +and the heat and light, the rector began to realize as he added up +the figures that nothing but logarithms could solve them. Then the +time came when not only the rector, but all the wardens knew and the +sidesmen knew that the debt was more than the church could carry; +then the choir knew and the congregation knew and at last everybody +knew; and there were special collections at Easter and special days of +giving, and special weeks of tribulation, and special arrangements +with the Hosanna Pipe and Steam Organ Co. And it was noticed that +when the Rural Dean announced a service of Lenten Sorrow,--aimed more +especially at the business men,--the congregation had diminished by +forty per cent. + +I suppose things are just the same elsewhere,--I mean the peculiar +kind of discontent that crept into the Church of England congregation +in Mariposa after the setting up of the Beacon. There were those who +claimed that they had seen the error from the first, though they had +kept quiet, as such people always do, from breadth of mind. There +were those who had felt years before how it would end, but their lips +were sealed from humility of spirit. What was worse was that there +were others who grew dissatisfied with the whole conduct of the +church. + +Yodel, the auctioneer, for example, narrated how he had been to the +city and had gone into a service of the Roman Catholic church: I +believe, to state it more fairly, he had "dropped in,"--the only +recognized means of access to such a service. He claimed that the +music that he had heard there was music, and that (outside of his +profession) the chanting and intoning could not be touched. + +Ed Moore, the photographer, also related that he had listened to a +sermon in the city, and that if anyone would guarantee him a sermon +like that he would defy you to keep him away from church. Meanwhile, +failing the guarantee, he stayed away. + +The very doctrines were impeached. Some of the congregation began to +cast doubts on eternal punishment,--doubts so grave as to keep them +absent from the Lenten Services of Sorrow. Indeed, Lawyer Macartney +took up the whole question of the Athanasian Creed one afternoon with +Joe Milligan, the dentist, and hardly left a clause of it intact. + +All this time, you will understand, Dean Drone kept on with his +special services, and leaflets, calls, and appeals went out from the +Ark of Gideon like rockets from a sinking ship. More and more with +every month the debt of the church lay heavy on his mind. At times he +forgot it. At other times he woke up in the night and thought about +it. Sometimes as he went down the street from the lighted precincts +of the Greater Testimony and passed the Salvation Army, praying +around a naphtha lamp under the open sky, it smote him to the heart +with a stab. + +But the congregation were wrong, I think, in imputing fault to the +sermons of Dean Drone. There I do think they were wrong. I can speak +from personal knowledge when I say that the rector's sermons were not +only stimulating in matters of faith, but contained valuable material +in regard to the Greek language, to modern machinery and to a variety +of things that should have proved of the highest advantage to the +congregation. + +There was, I say, the Greek language. The Dean always showed the +greatest delicacy of feeling in regard to any translation in or out +of it that he made from the pulpit. He was never willing to accept +even the faintest shade of rendering different from that commonly +given without being assured of the full concurrence of the +congregation. Either the translation must be unanimous and without +contradiction, or he could not pass it. He would pause in his sermon +and would say: "The original Greek is 'Hoson,' but perhaps you will +allow me to translate it as equivalent to 'Hoyon.'" And they did. So +that if there was any fault to be found it was purely on the side of +the congregation for not entering a protest at the time. + +It was the same way in regard to machinery. After all, what better +illustrates the supreme purpose of the All Wise than such a thing as +the dynamo or the reciprocating marine engine or the pictures in the +Scientific American? + +Then, too, if a man has had the opportunity to travel and has seen +the great lakes spread out by the hand of Providence from where one +leaves the new dock at the Sound to where one arrives safe and +thankful with one's dear fellow-passengers in the spirit at the +concrete landing stage at Mackinaw--is not this fit and proper +material for the construction of an analogy or illustration? Indeed, +even apart from an analogy, is it not mighty interesting to narrate, +anyway? In any case, why should the church-wardens have sent the +rector on the Mackinaw trip, if they had not expected him to make +some little return for it? + +I lay some stress on this point because the criticisms directed +against the Mackinaw sermons always seemed so unfair. If the rector +had described his experiences in the crude language of the ordinary +newspaper, there might, I admit, have been something unfitting about +it. But he was always careful to express himself in a way that +showed,--or, listen, let me explain with an example. + +"It happened to be my lot some years ago," he would say, "to find +myself a voyager, just as one is a voyager on the sea of life, on the +broad expanse of water which has been spread out to the north-west of +us by the hand of Providence, at a height of five hundred and +eighty-one feet above the level of the sea,--I refer, I may say, to +Lake Huron." Now, how different that is from saying: "I'll never +forget the time I went on the Mackinaw trip." The whole thing has a +different sound entirely. In the same way the Dean would go on: + +"I was voyaging on one of those magnificent leviathans of the +water,--I refer to the boats of the Northern Navigation Company,--and +was standing beside the forward rail talking with a dear brother in +the faith who was journeying westward also--I may say he was a +commercial traveller,--and beside us was a dear sister in the spirit +seated in a deck chair, while near us were two other dear souls in +grace engaged in Christian pastime on the deck,--I allude more +particularly to the game of deck billiards." + +I leave it to any reasonable man whether, with that complete and +fair-minded explanation of the environment, it was not perfectly +proper to close down the analogy, as the rector did, with the simple +words: "In fact, it was an extremely fine morning." + +Yet there were some people, even in Mariposa, that took exception and +spent their Sunday dinner time in making out that they couldn't +understand what Dean Drone was talking about, and asking one another +if they knew. Once, as he passed out from the doors of the Greater +Testimony, the rector heard some one say: "The Church would be all +right if that old mugwump was out of the pulpit." It went to his +heart like a barbed thorn, and stayed there. + +You know, perhaps, how a remark of that sort can stay and rankle, and +make you wish you could hear it again to make sure of it, because +perhaps you didn't hear it aright, and it was a mistake after all. +Perhaps no one said it, anyway. You ought to have written it down at +the time. I have seen the Dean take down the encyclopaedia in the +rectory, and move his finger slowly down the pages of the letter M, +looking for mugwump. But it wasn't there. I have known him, in his +little study upstairs, turn over the pages of the "Animals of +Palestine," looking for a mugwump. But there was none there. It must +have been unknown in the greater days of Judea. + + +So things went on from month to month, and from year to year, and the +debt and the charges loomed like a dark and gathering cloud on the +horizon. I don't mean to say that efforts were not made to face the +difficulty and to fight it. They were. Time after time the workers of +the congregation got together and thought out plans for the +extinction of the debt. But somehow, after every trial, the debt grew +larger with each year, and every system that could be devised turned +out more hopeless than the last. + +They began, I think, with the "endless chain" of letters of appeal. +You may remember the device, for it was all-popular in clerical +circles some ten or fifteen years ago. You got a number of people to +write each of them three letters asking for ten cents from three each +of their friends and asking each of them to send on three similar +letters. Three each from three each, and three each more from each! +Do you observe the wonderful ingenuity of it? Nobody, I think, has +forgotten how the Willing Workers of the Church of England Church of +Mariposa sat down in the vestry room in the basement with a pile of +stationery three feet high, sending out the letters. Some, I know, +will never forget it. Certainly not Mr. Pupkin, the teller in the +Exchange Bank, for it was here that he met Zena Pepperleigh, the +judge's daughter, for the first time; and they worked so busily that +they wrote out ever so many letters--eight or nine--in a single +afternoon, and they discovered that their handwritings were awfully +alike, which was one of the most extraordinary and amazing +coincidences, you will admit, in the history of chirography. + +But the scheme failed--failed utterly. I don't know why. The letters +went out and were copied broadcast and recopied, till you could see +the Mariposa endless chain winding its way towards the Rocky +Mountains. But they never got the ten cents. The Willing Workers +wrote for it in thousands, but by some odd chance they never struck +the person who had it. + +Then after that there came a regular winter of effort. First of all +they had a bazaar that was got up by the Girls' Auxiliary and held in +the basement of the church. All the girls wore special costumes that +were brought up from the city, and they had booths, where there was +every imaginable thing for sale--pincushion covers, and chair covers, +and sofa covers, everything that you can think of. If the people had +once started buying them, the debt would have been lifted in no time. +Even as it was the bazaar only lost twenty dollars. + +After that, I think, was the magic lantern lecture that Dean Drone +gave on "Italy and her Invaders." They got the lantern and the slides +up from the city, and it was simply splendid. Some of the slides were +perhaps a little confusing, but it was all there,--the pictures of +the dense Italian jungle and the crocodiles and the naked invaders +with their invading clubs. It was a pity that it was such a bad +night, snowing hard, and a curling match on, or they would have made +a lot of money out of the lecture. As it was the loss, apart from the +breaking of the lantern, which was unavoidable, was quite trifling. + + +I can hardly remember all the things that there were after that. I +recollect that it was always Mullins who arranged about renting the +hall and printing the tickets and all that sort of thing. His father, +you remember, had been at the Anglican college with Dean Drone, and +though the rector was thirty-seven years older than Mullins, he +leaned upon him, in matters of business, as upon a staff; and though +Mullins was thirty-seven years younger than the Dean, he leaned +against him, in matters of doctrine, as against a rock. + +At one time they got the idea that what the public wanted was not +anything instructive but something light and amusing. Mullins said +that people loved to laugh. He said that if you get a lot of people +all together and get them laughing you can do anything you like with +them. Once they start to laugh they are lost. So they got Mr. Dreery, +the English Literature teacher at the high school, to give an evening +of readings from the Great Humorists from Chaucer to Adam Smith. They +came mighty near to making a barrel of money out of that. If the +people had once started laughing it would have been all over with +them. As it was I heard a lot of them say that they simply wanted to +scream with laughter: they said they just felt like bursting into +peals of laughter all the time. Even when, in the more subtle parts, +they didn't feel like bursting out laughing, they said they had all +they could do to keep from smiling. They said they never had such a +hard struggle in their lives not to smile. + +In fact the chairman said when he put the vote of thanks that he was +sure if people had known what the lecture was to be like there would +have been a much better "turn-out." But you see all that the people +had to go on was just the announcement of the name of the lecturer, +Mr. Dreery, and that he would lecture on English Humour All Seats +Twenty-five Cents. As the chairman expressed it himself, if the +people had had any idea, any idea at all, of what the lecture would +be like they would have been there in hundreds. But how could they +get an idea that it would be so amusing with practically nothing to +go upon? + + +After that attempt things seemed to go from bad to worse. Nearly +everybody was disheartened about it. What would have happened to the +debt, or whether they would have ever paid it off, is more than I can +say, if it hadn't occurred that light broke in on Mullins in the +strangest and most surprising way you can imagine. It happened that +he went away for his bank holidays, and while he was away he happened +to be present in one of the big cities and saw how they went at it +there to raise money. He came home in such a state of excitement that +he went straight up from the Mariposa station to the rectory, valise +and all, and he burst in one April evening to where the Rural Dean +was sitting with the three girls beside the lamp in the front room, +and he cried out: + +"Mr. Drone, I've got it,--I've got a way that will clear the debt +before you're a fortnight older. We'll have a Whirlwind Campaign in +Mariposa!" + +But stay! The change from the depth of depression to the pinnacle of +hope is too abrupt. I must pause and tell you in another chapter of +the Whirlwind Campaign in Mariposa. + + + +FIVE + +The Whirlwind Campaign in Mariposa + +It was Mullins, the banker, who told Mariposa all about the plan of a +Whirlwind Campaign and explained how it was to be done. He'd happened +to be in one of the big cities when they were raising money by a +Whirlwind Campaign for one of the universities, and he saw it all. + +He said he would never forget the scene on the last day of it, when +the announcement was made that the total of the money raised was even +more than what was needed. It was a splendid sight,--the business men +of the town all cheering and laughing and shaking hands, and the +professors with the tears streaming down their faces, and the Deans +of the Faculties, who had given money themselves, sobbing aloud. + +He said it was the most moving thing he ever saw. + +So, as I said, Henry Mullins, who had seen it, explained to the +others how it was done. He said that first of all a few of the +business men got together quietly,--very quietly, indeed the more +quietly the better,--and talked things over. Perhaps one of them +would dine,--just quietly,--with another one and discuss the +situation. Then these two would invite a third man,--possibly even a +fourth,--to have lunch with them and talk in a general way,--even +talk of other things part of the time. And so on in this way things +would be discussed and looked at in different lights and viewed from +different angles and then when everything was ready they would go at +things with a rush. A central committee would be formed and +sub-committees, with captains of each group and recorders and +secretaries, and on a stated day the Whirlwind Campaign would begin. + +Each day the crowd would all agree to meet at some stated place and +each lunch together,--say at a restaurant or at a club or at some +eating place. This would go on every day with the interest getting +keener and keener, and everybody getting more and more excited, till +presently the chairman would announce that the campaign had succeeded +and there would be the kind of scene that Mullins had described. + +So that was the plan that they set in motion in Mariposa. + + +I don't wish to say too much about the Whirlwind Campaign itself. I +don't mean to say that it was a failure. On the contrary, in many +ways it couldn't have been a greater success, and yet somehow it +didn't seem to work out just as Henry Mullins had said it would. It +may be that there are differences between Mariposa and the larger +cities that one doesn't appreciate at first sight. Perhaps it would +have been better to try some other plan. + +Yet they followed along the usual line of things closely enough. They +began with the regular system of some of the business men getting +together in a quiet way. + +First of all, for example, Henry Mullins came over quietly to Duff's +rooms, over the Commercial Bank, with a bottle of rye whiskey, and +they talked things over. And the night after that George Duff came +over quietly to Mullins's rooms, over the Exchange Bank, with a +bottle of Scotch whiskey. A few evenings after that Mullins and Duff +went together, in a very unostentatious way, with perhaps a couple of +bottles of rye, to Pete Glover's room over the hardware store. And +then all three of them went up one night with Ed Moore, the +photographer, to Judge Pepperleigh's house under pretence of having a +game of poker. The very day after that, Mullins and Duff and Ed +Moore, and Pete Glover and the judge got Will Harrison, the harness +maker, to go out without any formality on the lake on the pretext of +fishing. And the next night after that Duff and Mullins and Ed Moore +and Pete Glover and Pepperleigh and Will Harrison got Alf Trelawney, +the postmaster, to come over, just in a casual way, to the Mariposa +House, after the night mail, and the next day Mullins and Duff and-- + +But, pshaw! you see at once how the thing is worked. There's no need +to follow that part of the Whirlwind Campaign further. But it just +shows the power of organization. + +And all this time, mind you, they were talking things over, and +looking at things first in one light and then in another light,--in +fact, just doing as the big city men do when there's an important +thing like this under way. + +So after things had been got pretty well into shape in this way, Duff +asked Mullins one night, straight out, if he would be chairman of the +Central Committee. He sprung it on him and Mullins had no time to +refuse, but he put it to Duff straight whether he would be treasurer. +And Duff had no time to refuse. + + +That gave things a start, and within a week they had the whole +organization on foot. There was the Grand Central Committee and six +groups or sub-committees of twenty men each, and a captain for every +group. They had it all arranged on the lines most likely to be +effective. + +In one group there were all the bankers, Mullins and Duff and Pupkin +(with the cameo pin), and about four others. They had their +photographs taken at Ed Moore's studio, taken in a line with a +background of icebergs--a winter scene--and a pretty penetrating +crowd they looked, I can tell you. After all, you know, if you get a +crowd of representative bank men together in any financial deal, +you've got a pretty considerable leverage right away. + +In the second group were the lawyers, Nivens and Macartney and the +rest--about as level-headed a lot as you'd see anywhere. Get the +lawyers of a town with you on a thing like this and you'll find +you've got a sort of brain power with you that you'd never get +without them. + +Then there were the business men--there was a solid crowd for +you,--Harrison, the harness maker, and Glover, the hardware man, and +all that gang, not talkers, perhaps, but solid men who can tell you +to a nicety how many cents there are in a dollar. It's all right to +talk about education and that sort of thing, but if you want driving +power and efficiency, get business men. They're seeing it every day +in the city, and it's just the same in Mariposa. Why, in the big +concerns in the city, if they found out a man was educated, they +wouldn't have him,--wouldn't keep him there a minute. That's why the +business men have to conceal it so much. + +Then in the other teams there were the doctors and the newspaper men +and the professional men like Judge Pepperleigh and Yodel the +auctioneer. + + +It was all organized so that every team had its headquarters, two of +them in each of the three hotels--one upstairs and one down. And it +was arranged that there would be a big lunch every day, to be held in +Smith's caff, round the corner of Smith's Northern Health Resort and +Home of the Wissanotti Angler,--you know the place. The lunch was +divided up into tables, with a captain for each table to see about +things to drink, and of course all the tables were in competition +with one another. In fact the competition was the very life of the +whole thing. + +It's just wonderful how these things run when they're organized. Take +the first luncheon, for example. There they all were, every man in +his place, every captain at his post at the top of the table. It was +hard, perhaps, for some of them to get there. They had very likely to +be in their stores and banks and offices till the last minute and +then make a dash for it. It was the cleanest piece of team work you +ever saw. + +You have noticed already, I am sure, that a good many of the captains +and committee men didn't belong to the Church of England Church. +Glover, for instance, was a Presbyterian, till they ran the picket +fence of the manse two feet on to his property, and after that he +became a free-thinker. But in Mariposa, as I have said, everybody +likes to be in everything and naturally a Whirlwind Campaign was a +novelty. Anyway it would have been a poor business to keep a man out +of the lunches merely on account of his religion. I trust that the +day for that kind of religious bigotry is past. + +Of course the excitement was when Henry Mullins at the head of the +table began reading out the telegrams and letters and messages. First +of all there was a telegram of good wishes from the Anglican Lord +Bishop of the Diocese to Henry Mullins and calling him Dear Brother +in Grace the Mariposa telegraph office is a little unreliable and it +read: "Dear Brother in grease," but that was good enough. The Bishop +said that his most earnest wishes were with them. + +Then Mullins read a letter from the Mayor of Mariposa Pete Glover was +mayor that year--stating that his keenest desires were with them: and +then one from the Carriage Company saying that its heartiest good +will was all theirs; and then one from the Meat Works saying that its +nearest thoughts were next to them. Then he read one from himself, as +head of the Exchange Bank, you understand, informing him that he had +heard of his project and assuring him of his liveliest interest in +what he proposed. + +At each of these telegrams and messages there was round after round +of applause, so that you could hardly hear yourself speak or give an +order. But that was nothing to when Mullins got up again, and beat on +the table for silence and made one of those crackling speeches--just +the way business men speak--the kind of speech that a college man +simply can't make. I wish I could repeat it all. I remember that it +began: "Now boys, you know what we're here for, gentlemen," and it +went on just as good as that all through. When Mullins had done he +took out a fountain pen and wrote out a cheque for a hundred dollars, +conditional on the fund reaching fifty thousand. And there was a +burst of cheers all over the room. + +Just the moment he had done it, up sprang George Duff,--you know the +keen competition there is, as a straight matter of business, between +the banks in Mariposa,--up sprang George Duff, I say, and wrote out a +cheque for another hundred conditional on the fund reaching seventy +thousand. You never heard such cheering in your life. + +And then when Netley walked up to the head of the table and laid down +a cheque for a hundred dollars conditional on the fund reaching one +hundred thousand the room was in an uproar. A hundred thousand +dollars! Just think of it! The figures fairly stagger one. To think +of a hundred thousand dollars raised in five minutes in a little +place like Mariposa! + +And even that was nothing! In less than no time there was such a +crowd round Mullins trying to borrow his pen all at once that his +waistcoat was all stained with ink. Finally when they got order at +last, and Mullins stood up and announced that the conditional fund +had reached a quarter of a million, the whole place was a perfect +babel of cheering. Oh, these Whirlwind Campaigns are wonderful +things! + + +I can tell you the Committee felt pretty proud that first day. There +was Henry Mullins looking a little bit flushed and excited, with his +white waistcoat and an American Beauty rose, and with ink marks all +over him from the cheque signing; and he kept telling them that he'd +known all along that all that was needed was to get the thing started +and telling again about what he'd seen at the University Campaign and +about the professors crying, and wondering if the high school +teachers would come down for the last day of the meetings. + +Looking back on the Mariposa Whirlwind, I can never feel that it was +a failure. After all, there is a sympathy and a brotherhood in these +things when men work shoulder to shoulder. If you had seen the +canvassers of the Committee going round the town that evening +shoulder to shoulder from the Mariposa House to the Continental and +up to Mullins's rooms and over to Duffs, shoulder to shoulder, you'd +have understood it. + +I don't say that every lunch was quite such a success as the first. +It's not always easy to get out of the store if you're a busy man, +and a good many of the Whirlwind Committee found that they had just +time to hurry down and snatch their lunch and get back again. Still, +they came, and snatched it. As long as the lunches lasted, they came. +Even if they had simply to rush it and grab something to eat and +drink without time to talk to anybody, they came. + +No, no, it was not lack of enthusiasm that killed the Whirlwind +Campaign in Mariposa. It must have been something else. I don't just +know what it was but I think it had something to do with the +financial, the book-keeping side of the thing. + +It may have been, too, that the organization was not quite correctly +planned. You see, if practically everybody is on the committees, it +is awfully hard to try to find men to canvass, and it is not +allowable for the captains and the committee men to canvass one +another, because their gifts are spontaneous. So the only thing that +the different groups could do was to wait round in some likely +place--say the bar parlour of Smith's Hotel--in the hope that +somebody might come in who could be canvassed. + +You might ask why they didn't canvass Mr. Smith himself, but of +course they had done that at the very start, as I should have said. +Mr. Smith had given them two hundred dollars in cash conditional on +the lunches being held in the caff of his hotel; and it's awfully +hard to get a proper lunch I mean the kind to which a Bishop can +express regret at not being there--under a dollar twenty-five. So +Mr. Smith got back his own money, and the crowd began eating into the +benefactions, and it got more and more complicated whether to hold +another lunch in the hope of breaking even, or to stop the campaign. + +It was disappointing, yes. In spite of all the success and the +sympathy, it was disappointing. I don't say it didn't do good. No +doubt a lot of the men got to know one another better than ever they +had before. I have myself heard Judge Pepperleigh say that after the +campaign he knew all of Pete Glover that he wanted to. There was a +lot of that kind of complete satiety. The real trouble about the +Whirlwind Campaign was that they never clearly understood which of +them were the whirlwind and who were to be the campaign. + +Some of them, I believe, took it pretty much to heart. I know that +Henry Mullins did. You could see it. The first day he came down to +the lunch, all dressed up with the American Beauty and the white +waistcoat. The second day he only wore a pink carnation and a grey +waistcoat. The third day he had on a dead daffodil and a cardigan +undervest, and on the last day, when the high school teachers should +have been there, he only wore his office suit and he hadn't even +shaved. He looked beaten. + +It was that night that he went up to the rectory to tell the news to +Dean Drone. It had been arranged, you know, that the rector should +not attend the lunches, so as to let the whole thing come as a +surprise; so that all he knew about it was just scraps of information +about the crowds at the lunch and how they cheered and all that. +Once, I believe, he caught sight of the Newspacket with a two-inch +headline: A QUARTER OF A MILLION, but he wouldn't let himself read +further because it would have spoilt the surprise. + +I saw Mullins, as I say, go up the street on his way to Dean Drone's. +It was middle April and there was ragged snow on the streets, and the +nights were dark still, and cold. I saw Mullins grit his teeth as he +walked, and I know that he held in his coat pocket his own cheque for +the hundred, with the condition taken off it, and he said that there +were so many skunks in Mariposa that a man might as well be in the +Head Office in the city. + +The Dean came out to the little gate in the dark,--you could see the +lamplight behind him from the open door of the rectory,--and he shook +hands with Mullins and they went in together. + + + +SIX + +The Beacon on the Hill + +Mullins said afterward that it was ever so much easier than he +thought it would have been. The Dean, he said, was so quiet. Of +course if Mr. Drone had started to swear at Mullins, or tried to +strike him, it would have been much harder. But as it was he was so +quiet that part of the time he hardly seemed to follow what Mullins +was saying. So Mullins was glad of that, because it proved that the +Dean wasn't feeling disappointed as, in a way, he might have. + +Indeed, the only time when the rector seemed animated and excited in +the whole interview was when Mullins said that the campaign had been +ruined by a lot of confounded mugwumps. Straight away the Dean asked +if those mugwumps had really prejudiced the outcome of the campaign. +Mullins said there was no doubt of it, and the Dean enquired if the +presence of mugwumps was fatal in matters of endeavour, and Mullins +said that it was. Then the rector asked if even one mugwump was, in +the Christian sense, deleterious. Mullins said that one mugwump +would kill anything. After that the Dean hardly spoke at all. + +In fact, the rector presently said that he mustn't detain Mullins too +long and that he had detained him too long already and that Mullins +must be weary from his train journey and that in cases of extreme +weariness nothing but a sound sleep was of any avail; he himself, +unfortunately, would not be able to avail himself of the priceless +boon of slumber until he had first retired to his study to write some +letters; so that Mullins, who had a certain kind of social quickness +of intuition, saw that it was time to leave, and went away. + +It was midnight as he went down the street, and a dark, still night. +That can be stated positively because it came out in court +afterwards. Mullins swore that it was a dark night; he admitted, +under examination, that there may have been the stars, or at least +some of the less important of them, though he had made no attempt, as +brought out on cross-examination, to count them: there may have been, +too, the electric lights, and Mullins was not willing to deny that it +was quite possible that there was more or less moonlight. But that +there was no light that night in the form of sunlight, Mullins was +absolutely certain. All that, I say, came out in court. + +But meanwhile the rector had gone upstairs to his study and had +seated himself in front of his table to write his letters. It was +here always that he wrote his sermons. From the window of the room +you looked through the bare white maple trees to the sweeping outline +of the church shadowed against the night sky, and beyond that, though +far off, was the new cemetery where the rector walked of a Sunday (I +think I told you why): beyond that again, for the window faced the +east, there lay, at no very great distance, the New Jerusalem. There +were no better things that a man might look towards from his study +window, nor anything that could serve as a better aid to writing. + +But this night the Dean's letters must have been difficult indeed to +write. For he sat beside the table holding his pen and with his head +bent upon his other hand, and though he sometimes put a line or two +on the paper, for the most part he sat motionless. The fact is that +Dean Drone was not trying to write letters, but only one letter. He +was writing a letter of resignation. If you have not done that for +forty years it is extremely difficult to get the words. + +So at least the Dean found it. First he wrote one set of words and +then he sat and thought and wrote something else. But nothing seemed +to suit. + +The real truth was that Dean Drone, perhaps more than he knew +himself, had a fine taste for words and effects, and when you feel +that a situation is entirely out of the common, you naturally try, if +you have that instinct, to give it the right sort of expression. + +I believe that at the time when Rupert Drone had taken the medal in +Greek over fifty years ago, it was only a twist of fate that had +prevented him from becoming a great writer. There was a buried author +in him just as there was a buried financier in Jefferson Thorpe. In +fact, there were many people in Mariposa like that, and for all I +know you may yourself have seen such elsewhere. For instance, I am +certain that Billy Rawson, the telegraph operator at Mariposa, could +easily have invented radium. In the same way one has only to read +the advertisements of Mr. Gingham, the undertaker, to know that there +is still in him a poet, who could have written on death far more +attractive verses than the Thanatopsis of Cullen Bryant, and under a +title less likely to offend the public and drive away custom. He has +told me this himself. + +So the Dean tried first this and then that and nothing would seem to +suit. First of all he wrote: + +"It is now forty years since I came among you, a youth full of life +and hope and ardent in the work before me--" Then he paused, doubtful +of the accuracy and clearness of the expression, read it over again +and again in deep thought and then began again: + +"It is now forty years since I came among you, a broken and +melancholy boy, without life or hope, desiring only to devote to the +service of this parish such few years as might remain of an existence +blighted before it had truly begun--" And then again the Dean +stopped. He read what he had written; he frowned; he crossed it +through with his pen. This was no way to write, this thin egotistical +strain of complaint. Once more he started: + +"It is now forty years since I came among you, a man already +tempered and trained, except possibly in mathematics--" And then +again the rector paused and his mind drifted away to the memory of +the Anglican professor that I spoke of, who had had so little sense +of his higher mission as to omit the teaching of logarithms. And the +rector mused so long that when he began again it seemed to him that +it was simpler and better to discard the personal note altogether, +and he wrote: + +"There are times, gentlemen, in the life of a parish, when it comes +to an epoch which brings it to a moment when it reaches a point--" + +The Dean stuck fast again, but refusing this time to be beaten went +resolutely on: + +"--reaches a point where the circumstances of the moment make the +epoch such as to focus the life of the parish in that time." + +Then the Dean saw that he was beaten, and he knew that he not only +couldn't manage the parish but couldn't say so in proper English, and +of the two the last was the bitterer discovery. + +He raised his head, and looked for a moment through the window at the +shadow of the church against the night, so outlined that you could +almost fancy that the light of the New Jerusalem was beyond it. Then +he wrote, and this time not to the world at large but only to +Mullins: + +"My dear Harry, I want to resign my charge. Will you come over and +help me?" + + +When the Dean at last rose from writing that, I think it was far on +in the night. As he rose he looked again through the window, looked +once and then once more, and so stood with widening eyes, and his +face set towards what he saw. + +What was that? That light in the sky there, eastward?--near or far +he could not say. Was it already the dawn of the New Jerusalem +brightening in the east, or was it--look--in the church +itself,--what is that?--that dull red glow that shines behind the +stained-glass windows, turning them to crimson? that fork of flame +that breaks now from the casement and flashes upward, along the +wood--and see--that sudden sheet of fire that springs the windows of +the church with the roar of splintered glass and surges upward into +the sky, till the dark night and the bare trees and sleeping street +of Mariposa are all illumined with its glow! + +Fire! Fire! and the sudden sound of the bell now, breaking upon the +night. + +So stood the Dean erect, with one hand pressed against the table for +support, while the Mariposa fire bell struck out its warning to the +sleeping town,--stood there while the street grew loud with the +tumult of voices,--with the roaring gallop of the fire brigade,--with +the harsh note of the gong--and over all other sounds, the great +seething of the flames that tore their way into the beams and rafters +of the pointed church and flared above it like a torch into the +midnight sky. + +So stood the Dean, and as the church broke thus into a very beacon +kindled upon a hill,--sank forward without a sign, his face against +the table, stricken. + + +You need to see a fire in a place such as Mariposa, a town still half +of wood, to know what fire means. In the city it is all different. To +the onlooker, at any rate, a fire is only a spectacle, nothing more. +Everything is arranged, organized, certain. It is only once perhaps +in a century that fire comes to a large city as it comes to the +little wooden town like Mariposa as a great Terror of the Night. + +That, at any rate, is what it meant in Mariposa that night in April, +the night the Church of England Church burnt down. Had the fire +gained but a hundred feet, or less, it could have reached from the +driving shed behind the church to the backs of the wooden shops of +the Main Street, and once there not all the waters of Lake Wissanotti +could stay the course of its destruction. It was for that hundred +feet that they fought, the men of Mariposa, from the midnight call of +the bell till the slow coming of the day. They fought the fire, not +to save the church, for that was doomed from the first outbreak of +the flames, but to stop the spread of it and save the town. They +fought it at the windows, and at the blazing doors, and through the +yawning furnace of the open belfry; fought it, with the Mariposa +engine thumping and panting in the street, itself aglow with fire +like a servant demon fighting its own kind, with tall ladders +reaching to the very roof, and with hose that poured their streams of +tossing water foaming into the flames. + +Most of all they fought to save the wooden driving shed behind the +church from which the fire could leap into the heart of Mariposa. +That was where the real fight was, for the life of the town. I wish +you could have seen how they turned the hose against the shingles, +ripping and tearing them from their places with the force of the +driven water: how they mounted on the roof, axe in hand, and cut +madly at the rafters to bring the building down, while the black +clouds of smoke rolled in volumes about the men as they worked. You +could see the fire horses harnessed with logging chains to the +uprights of the shed to tear the building from its place. + +Most of all I wish you could have seen Mr. Smith, proprietor, as I +think you know, of Smith's Hotel, there on the roof with a fireman's +helmet on, cutting through the main beam of solid cedar, twelve by +twelve, that held tight still when the rafters and the roof tree were +down already, the shed on fire in a dozen places, and the other men +driven from the work by the flaming sparks, and by the strangle of +the smoke. Not so Mr. Smith! See him there as he plants himself firm +at the angle of the beams, and with the full impact of his two +hundred and eighty pounds drives his axe into the wood! I tell you it +takes a man from the pine country of the north to handle an axe! +Right, left, left, right, down it comes, with never a pause or stay, +never missing by a fraction of an inch the line of the stroke! At it, +Smith! Down with it! Till with a shout from the crowd the beam gapes +asunder, and Mr. Smith is on the ground again, roaring his directions +to the men and horses as they haul down the shed, in a voice that +dominates the fire itself. + +Who made Mr. Smith the head and chief of the Mariposa fire brigade +that night, I cannot say. I do not know even where he got the huge +red helmet that he wore, nor had I ever heard till the night the +church burnt down that Mr. Smith was a member of the fire brigade at +all. But it's always that way. Your little narrow-chested men may +plan and organize, but when there is something to be done, something +real, then it's the man of size and weight that steps to the front +every time. Look at Bismarck and Mr. Gladstone and President Taft and +Mr. Smith,--the same thing in each case. + +I suppose it was perfectly natural that just as soon as Mr. Smith +came on the scene he put on somebody's helmet and shouted his +directions to the men and bossed the Mariposa fire brigade like +Bismarck with the German parliament. + +The fire had broken out late, late at night, and they fought it till +the day. The flame of it lit up the town and the bare grey maple +trees, and you could see in the light of it the broad sheet of the +frozen lake, snow covered still. It kindled such a beacon as it +burned that from the other side of the lake the people on the night +express from the north could see it twenty miles away. It lit up +such a testimony of flame that Mariposa has never seen the like of it +before or since. Then when the roof crashed in and the tall steeple +tottered and fell, so swift a darkness seemed to come that the grey +trees and the frozen lake vanished in a moment as if blotted out of +existence. + + +When the morning came the great church of Mariposa was nothing but a +ragged group of walls with a sodden heap of bricks and blackened +wood, still hissing here and there beneath the hose with the sullen +anger of a conquered fire. Round the ruins of the fire walked the +people of Mariposa next morning, and they pointed out where the wreck +of the steeple had fallen, and where the bells of the church lay in a +molten heap among the bricks, and they talked of the loss that it was +and how many dollars it would take to rebuild the church, and whether +it was insured and for how much. And there were at least fourteen +people who had seen the fire first, and more than that who had given +the first alarm, and ever so many who knew how fires of this sort +could be prevented. + +Most noticeable of all you could see the sidesmen and the wardens and +Mullins, the chairman of the vestry, talking in little groups about +the fire. Later in the day there came from the city the insurance men +and the fire appraisers, and they too walked about the ruins, and +talked with the wardens and the vestry men. There was such a luxury +of excitement in the town that day that it was just as good as a +public holiday. + +But the strangest part of it was the unexpected sequel. I don't know +through what error of the Dean's figures it happened, through what +lack of mathematical training the thing turned out as it did. No +doubt the memory of the mathematical professor was heavily to blame +for it, but the solid fact is that the Church of England Church of +Mariposa turned out to be insured for a hundred thousand, and there +were the receipts and the vouchers, all signed and regular, just as +they found them in a drawer of the rector's study. There was no doubt +about it. The insurance people might protest as they liked. The +straight, plain fact was that the church was insured for about twice +the whole amount of the cost and the debt and the rector's salary and +the boarding-school fees of the littlest of the Drones all put +together. + + +There was a Whirlwind Campaign for you! Talk of raising money,--that +was something like! I wonder if the universities and the city +institutions that go round trying to raise money by the slow and +painful method called a Whirlwind Campaign, that takes perhaps all +day to raise fifty thousand dollars, ever thought of anything so +beautifully simple as this. + +The Greater Testimony that had lain so heavily on the congregation +went flaming to its end, and burned up its debts and its obligations +and enriched its worshippers by its destruction. Talk of a beacon on +a hill! You can hardly beat that one. + +I wish you could have seen how the wardens and the sidesmen and +Mullins, the chairman of the vestry, smiled and chuckled at the +thought of it. Hadn't they said all along that all that was needed +was a little faith and effort? And here it was, just as they said, +and they'd been right after all. + +Protest from the insurance people? Legal proceedings to prevent +payment? My dear sir! I see you know nothing about the Mariposa +court, in spite of the fact that I have already said that it was one +of the most precise instruments of British fair play ever +established. Why, Judge Pepperleigh disposed of the case and +dismissed the protest of the company in less than fifteen minutes! +Just what the jurisdiction of Judge Pepperleigh's court is I don't +know, but I do know that in upholding the rights of a Christian +congregation--I am quoting here the text of the decision--against the +intrigues of a set of infernal skunks that make too much money, +anyway, the Mariposa court is without an equal. Pepperleigh even +threatened the plaintiffs with the penitentiary, or worse. + +How the fire started no one ever knew. There was a queer story that +went about to the effect that Mr. Smith and Mr. Gingham's assistant +had been seen very late that night carrying an automobile can of +kerosene up the street. But that was amply disproved by the +proceedings of the court, and by the evidence of Mr. Smith himself. +He took his dying oath,--not his ordinary one as used in the License +cases, but his dying one,--that he had not carried a can of kerosene +up the street, and that anyway it was the rottenest kind of kerosene +he had ever seen and no more use than so much molasses. So that point +was settled. + +Dean Drone? Did he get well again? Why, what makes you ask that? You +mean, was his head at all affected after the stroke? No, it was not. +Absolutely not. It was not affected in the least, though how anybody +who knows him now in Mariposa could have the faintest idea that his +mind was in any way impaired by the stroke is more than I can tell. +The engaging of Mr. Uttermost, the curate, whom perhaps you have +heard preach in the new church, had nothing whatever to do with Dean +Drone's head. It was merely a case of the pressure of overwork. It +was felt very generally by the wardens that, in these days of +specialization, the rector was covering too wide a field, and that if +he should abandon some of the lesser duties of his office, he might +devote his energies more intently to the Infant Class. That was all. +You may hear him there any afternoon, talking to them, if you will +stand under the maple trees and listen through the open windows of +the new Infant School. + +And, as for audiences, for intelligence, for attention--well, if I +want to find listeners who can hear and understand about the great +spaces of Lake Huron, let me tell of it, every time face to face with +the blue eyes of the Infant Class, fresh from the infinity of spaces +greater still. Talk of grown-up people all you like, but for +listeners let me have the Infant Class with their pinafores and their +Teddy Bears and their feet not even touching the floor, and Mr. +Uttermost may preach to his heart's content of the newer forms of +doubt revealed by the higher criticism. + +So you will understand that the Dean's mind is, if anything, even +keener, and his head even clearer than before. And if you want proof +of it, notice him there beneath the plum blossoms reading in the +Greek: he has told me that he finds that he can read, with the +greatest ease, works in the Greek that seemed difficult before. +Because his head is so clear now. + +And sometimes,--when his head is very clear,--as he sits there +reading beneath the plum blossoms he can hear them singing beyond, +and his wife's voice. + + + +SEVEN + +The Extraordinary Entanglement of Mr. Pupkin + +Judge Pepperleigh lived in a big house with hardwood floors and a +wide piazza that looked over the lake from the top of Oneida Street. + +Every day about half-past five he used to come home from his office +in the Mariposa Court House. On some days as he got near the house he +would call out to his wife: + +"Almighty Moses, Martha! who left the sprinkler on the grass?" + +On other days he would call to her from quite a little distance off: +"Hullo, mother! Got any supper for a hungry man?" + +And Mrs. Pepperleigh never knew which it would be. On the days when +he swore at the sprinkler you could see his spectacles flash like +dynamite. But on the days when he called: "Hullo, mother," they were +simply irradiated with kindliness. + +Some days, I say, he would cry out with a perfect whine of +indignation: "Suffering Caesar! has that infernal dog torn up those +geraniums again?" And other days you would hear him singing out: +"Hullo, Rover! Well, doggie, well, old fellow!" + +In the same way at breakfast, the judge, as he looked over the +morning paper, would sometimes leap to his feet with a perfect howl +of suffering, and cry: "Everlasting Moses! the Liberals have carried +East Elgin." Or else he would lean back from the breakfast table with +the most good-humoured laugh you ever heard and say: "Ha! ha! the +Conservatives have carried South Norfolk." + +And yet he was perfectly logical, when you come to think of it. After +all, what is more annoying to a sensitive, highly-strung man than an +infernal sprinkler playing all over the place, and what more +agreeable to a good-natured, even-tempered fellow than a +well-prepared supper? Or, what is more likeable than one's good, old, +affectionate dog bounding down the path from sheer delight at seeing +you,--or more execrable than an infernal whelp that has torn up the +geraniums and is too old to keep, anyway? + +As for politics, well, it all seemed reasonable enough. When the +Conservatives got in anywhere, Pepperleigh laughed and enjoyed it, +simply because it does one good to see a straight, fine, honest fight +where the best man wins. When a Liberal got in, it made him mad, and +he said so,--not, mind you, from any political bias, for his office +forbid it,--but simply because one can't bear to see the country go +absolutely to the devil. + +I suppose, too, it was partly the effect of sitting in court all day +listening to cases. One gets what you might call the judicial temper +of mind. Pepperleigh had it so strongly developed that I've seen him +kick a hydrangea pot to pieces with his foot because the accursed +thing wouldn't flower. He once threw the canary cage clear into the +lilac bushes because the "blasted bird wouldn't stop singing." It was +a straight case of judicial temper. Lots of judges have it, developed +in just the same broad, all-round way as with Judge Pepperleigh. + + +I think it must be passing sentences that does it. Anyway, +Pepperleigh had the aptitude for passing sentences so highly +perfected that he spent his whole time at it inside of court and out. +I've heard him hand out sentences for the Sultan of Turkey and Mrs. +Pankhurst and the Emperor of Germany that made one's blood run cold. +He would sit there on the piazza of a summer evening reading the +paper, with dynamite sparks flying from his spectacles as he +sentenced the Czar of Russia to ten years in the salt mines--and made +it fifteen a few minutes afterwards. Pepperleigh always read the +foreign news--the news of things that he couldn't alter--as a form of +wild and stimulating torment. + +So you can imagine that in some ways the judge's house was a pretty +difficult house to go to. I mean you can see how awfully hard it must +have been for Mr. Pupkin. I tell you it took some nerve to step up +on that piazza and say, in a perfectly natural, off-hand way: "Oh, +how do you do, judge? Is Miss Zena in? No, I won't stay, thanks; I +think I ought to be going. I simply called." A man who can do that +has got to have a pretty fair amount of savoir what do you call it, +and he's got to be mighty well shaved and have his cameo pin put in +his tie at a pretty undeniable angle before he can tackle it. Yes, +and even then he may need to hang round behind the lilac bushes for +half an hour first, and cool off. And he's apt to make pretty good +time down Oneida Street on the way back. + +Still, that's what you call love, and if you've got it, and are well +shaved, and your boots well blacked, you can do things that seem +almost impossible. Yes, you can do anything, even if you do trip over +the dog in getting off the piazza. + +Don't suppose for a moment that Judge Pepperleigh was an +unapproachable or a harsh man always and to everybody. Even Mr. +Pupkin had to admit that that couldn't be so. To know that, you had +only to see Zena Pepperleigh put her arm round his neck and call him +Daddy. She would do that even when there were two or three young men +sitting on the edge of the piazza. You know, I think, the way they +sit on the edge in Mariposa. It is meant to indicate what part of the +family they have come to see. Thus when George Duff, the bank +manager, came up to the Pepperleigh house, he always sat in a chair +on the verandah and talked to the judge. But when Pupkin or Mallory +Tompkins or any fellow like that came, he sat down in a sidelong +fashion on the edge of the boards and then they knew exactly what he +was there for. If he knew the house well, he leaned his back against +the verandah post and smoked a cigarette. But that took nerve. + +But I am afraid that this is a digression, and, of course, you know +all about it just as well as I do. All that I was trying to say was +that I don't suppose that the judge had ever spoken a cross word to +Zena in his life.--Oh, he threw her novel over the grape-vine, I +don't deny that, but then why on earth should a girl read trash like +the Errant Quest of the Palladin Pilgrim, and the Life of Sir +Galahad, when the house was full of good reading like The Life of Sir +John A. Macdonald, and Pioneer Days in Tecumseh Township? + + +Still, what I mean is that the judge never spoke harshly to Zena, +except perhaps under extreme provocation; and I am quite sure that he +never, never had to Neil. But then what father ever would want to +speak angrily to such a boy as Neil Pepperleigh? The judge took no +credit himself for that; the finest grown boy in the whole county and +so broad and big that they took him into the Missinaba Horse when he +was only seventeen. And clever,--so clever that he didn't need to +study; so clever that he used to come out at the foot of the class in +mathematics at the Mariposa high school through sheer surplus of +brain power. I've heard the judge explain it a dozen times. Why, +Neil was so clever that he used to be able to play billiards at the +Mariposa House all evening when the other boys had to stay at home +and study. + +Such a powerful looking fellow, too! Everybody in Mariposa remembers +how Neil Pepperleigh smashed in the face of Peter McGinnis, the +Liberal organizer, at the big election--you recall it--when the old +Macdonald Government went out. Judge Pepperleigh had to try him for +it the next morning--his own son. They say there never was such a +scene even in the Mariposa court. There was, I believe, something +like it on a smaller scale in Roman history, but it wasn't half as +dramatic. I remember Judge Pepperleigh leaning forward to pass the +sentence,--for a judge is bound, you know, by his oath,--and how +grave he looked and yet so proud and happy, like a man doing his duty +and sustained by it, and he said: + +"My boy, you are innocent. You smashed in Peter McGinnis's face, but +you did it without criminal intent. You put a face on him, by +Jehoshaphat! that he won't lose for six months, but you did it +without evil purpose or malign design. My boy, look up! Give me your +hand! You leave this court without a stain upon your name." + +They said it was one of the most moving scenes ever enacted in the +Mariposa Court. + + +But the strangest thing is that if the judge had known what every one +else in Mariposa knew, it would have broken his heart. If he could +have seen Neil with the drunken flush on his face in the billiard +room of the Mariposa House,--if he had known, as every one else did, +that Neil was crazed with drink the night he struck the Liberal +organizer when the old Macdonald Government went out,--if he could +have known that even on that last day Neil was drunk when he rode +with the Missinaba Horse to the station to join the Third Contingent +for the war, and all the street of the little town was one great roar +of people-- + +But the judge never knew, and now he never will. For if you could +find it in the meanness of your soul to tell him, it would serve no +purpose now except to break his heart, and there would rise up to +rebuke you the pictured vision of an untended grave somewhere in the +great silences of South Africa. + +Did I say above, or seem to imply, that the judge sometimes spoke +harshly to his wife? Or did you gather for a minute that her lot was +one to lament over or feel sorry for? If so, it just shows that you +know nothing about such things, and that marriage, at least as it +exists in Mariposa, is a sealed book to you. You are as ignorant as +Miss Spiffkins, the biology teacher at the high school, who always +says how sorry she is for Mrs. Pepperleigh. You get that impression +simply because the judge howled like an Algonquin Indian when he saw +the sprinkler running on the lawn. But are you sure you know the +other side of it? Are you quite sure when you talk like Miss +Spiffkins does about the rights of it, that you are taking all things +into account? You might have thought differently perhaps of the +Pepperleighs, anyway, if you had been there that evening when the +judge came home to his wife with one hand pressed to his temple and +in the other the cablegram that said that Neil had been killed in +action in South Africa. That night they sat together with her hand in +his, just as they had sat together thirty years ago when he was a law +student in the city. + +Go and tell Miss Spiffkins that! Hydrangeas,--canaries,-- +temper,--blazes! What does Miss Spiffkins know about it all? + +But in any case, if you tried to tell Judge Pepperleigh about Neil +now he wouldn't believe it. He'd laugh it to scorn. That is Neil's +picture, in uniform, hanging in the dining-room beside the Fathers of +Confederation. That military-looking man in the picture beside him is +General Kitchener, whom you may perhaps have heard of, for he was +very highly spoken of in Neil's letters. All round the room, in fact, +and still more in the judge's library upstairs, you will see pictures +of South Africa and the departure of the Canadians (there are none of +the return), and of Mounted Infantry and of Unmounted Cavalry and a +lot of things that only soldiers and the fathers of soldiers know +about. + +So you can realize that for a fellow who isn't military, and who +wears nothing nearer to a uniform than a daffodil tennis blazer, the +judge's house is a devil of a house to come to. + +I think you remember young Mr. Pupkin, do you not? I have referred to +him several times already as the junior teller in the Exchange Bank. +But if you know Mariposa at all you have often seen him. You have +noticed him, I am sure, going for the bank mail in the morning in an +office suit effect of clinging grey with a gold necktie pin shaped +like a riding whip. You have seen him often enough going down to the +lake front after supper, in tennis things, smoking a cigarette and +with a paddle and a crimson canoe cushion under his arm. You have +seen him entering Dean Drone's church in a top hat and a long frock +coat nearly to his feet. You have seen him, perhaps, playing poker in +Peter Glover's room over the hardware store and trying to look as if +he didn't hold three aces,--in fact, giving absolutely no sign of it +beyond the wild flush in his face and the fact that his hair stands +on end. + +That kind of reticence is a thing you simply have to learn in +banking. I mean, if you've got to be in a position where you know for +a fact that the Mariposa Packing Company's account is overdrawn by +sixty-four dollars, and yet daren't say anything about it, not even +to the girls that you play tennis with,--I don't say, not a casual +hint as a reference, but not really tell them, not, for instance, +bring down the bank ledger to the tennis court and show them,--you +learn a sort of reticence and self-control that people outside of +banking circles never can attain. + +Why, I've known Pupkin at the Fireman's Ball lean against the wall in +his dress suit and talk away to Jim Eliot, the druggist, without +giving the faintest hint or indication that Eliot's note for +twenty-seven dollars had been protested that very morning. Not a hint +of it. I don't say he didn't mention it, in a sort of way, in the +supper room, just to one or two, but I mean there was nothing in the +way he leant up against the wall to suggest it. + +But, however, I don't mention that as either for or against Mr. +Pupkin. That sort of thing is merely the A B C of banking, as he +himself told me when explaining why it was that he hesitated to +divulge the exact standing of the Mariposa Carriage Company. Of +course, once you get past the A B C you can learn a lot that is +mighty interesting. + +So I think that if you know Mariposa and understand even the +rudiments of banking, you are perfectly acquainted with Mr. Pupkin. +What? You remember him as being in love with Miss Lawson, the high +school teacher? In love with HER? What a ridiculous idea. You mean +merely because on the night when the Mariposa Belle sank with every +soul on board, Pupkin put off from the town in a skiff to rescue +Miss Lawson. Oh, but you're quite wrong. That wasn't LOVE. I've +heard Pupkin explain it himself a dozen times. That sort of +thing,--paddling out to a sinking steamer at night in a crazy +skiff,--may indicate a sort of attraction, but not real love, not +what Pupkin came to feel afterwards. Indeed, when he began to think +of it, it wasn't even attraction, it was merely respect,--that's all +it was. And anyway, that was long before, six or seven months back, +and Pupkin admitted that at the time he was a mere boy. + + +Mr. Pupkin, I must explain, lived with Mallory Tompkins in rooms over +the Exchange Bank, on the very top floor, the third, with Mullins's +own rooms below them. Extremely comfortable quarters they were, with +two bedrooms and a sitting-room that was all fixed up with snowshoes +and tennis rackets on the walls and dance programmes and canoe club +badges and all that sort of thing. + +Mallory Tompkins was a young man with long legs and check trousers +who worked on the Mariposa Times-Herald. That was what gave him his +literary taste. He used to read Ibsen and that other Dutch +author--Bumstone Bumstone, isn't it?--and you can judge that he was a +mighty intellectual fellow. He was so intellectual that he was, as he +himself admitted, a complete eggnostic. He and Pupkin used to have +the most tremendous arguments about creation and evolution, and how +if you study at a school of applied science you learn that there's no +hell beyond the present life. + +Mallory Tompkins used to prove absolutely that the miracles were only +electricity, and Pupkin used to admit that it was an awfully good +argument, but claimed that he had heard it awfully well answered in a +sermon, though unfortunately he had forgotten how. + +Tompkins used to show that the flood was contrary to geology, and +Pupkin would acknowledge that the point was an excellent one, but +that he had read a book,--the title of which he ought to have written +down,--which explained geology away altogether. + +Mallory Tompkins generally got the best of the merely logical side of +the arguments, but Pupkin--who was a tremendous Christian--was much +stronger in the things he had forgotten. So the discussions often +lasted till far into the night, and Mr. Pupkin would fall asleep and +dream of a splendid argument, which would have settled the whole +controversy, only unfortunately he couldn't recall it in the morning. + +Of course, Pupkin would never have thought of considering himself on +an intellectual par with Mallory Tompkins. That would have been +ridiculous. Mallory Tompkins had read all sorts of things and had +half a mind to write a novel himself--either that or a play. All he +needed, he said, was to have a chance to get away somewhere by +himself and think. Every time he went away to the city Pupkin +expected that he might return with the novel all finished; but though +he often came back with his eyes red from thinking, the novel as yet +remained incomplete. + +Meantime, Mallory Tompkins, as I say, was a mighty intellectual +fellow. You could see that from the books on the bamboo bookshelves +in the sitting-room. There was, for instance, the "Encyclopaedia +Metropolitana" in forty volumes, that he bought on the instalment +plan for two dollars a month. Then when they took that away, there +was the "History of Civilization," in fifty volumes at fifty cents a +week for fifty years. Tompkins had read in it half-way through the +Stone Age before they took it from him. After that there was the +"Lives of the Painters," one volume at a time--a splendid thing in +which you could read all about Aahrens, and Aachenthal, and Aax and +men of that class. + +After all, there's nothing like educating oneself. Mallory Tompkins +knew about the opening period of all sorts of things, and in regard +to people whose names began with "A" you couldn't stick him. + +I don't mean that he and Mr. Pupkin lived a mere routine of studious +evenings. That would be untrue. Quite often their time was spent in +much less commendable ways than that, and there were poker parties in +their sitting-room that didn't break up till nearly midnight. +Card-playing, after all, is a slow business, unless you put money on +it, and, besides, if you are in a bank and are handling money all +day, gambling has a fascination. + +I've seen Pupkin and Mallory Tompkins and Joe Milligan, the dentist, +and Mitchell the ticket agent, and the other "boys" sitting round the +table with matches enough piled up in front of them to stock a +factory. Ten matches counted for one chip and ten chips made a +cent--so you see they weren't merely playing for the fun of the +thing. Of course it's a hollow pleasure. You realize that when you +wake up at night parched with thirst, ten thousand matches to the +bad. But banking is a wild life and everybody knows it. + +Sometimes Pupkin would swear off and keep away from the cursed thing +for weeks, and then perhaps he'd see by sheer accident a pile of +matches on the table, or a match lying on the floor and it would +start the craze in him. I am using his own words--a "craze"--that's +what he called it when he told Miss Lawson all about it, and she +promised to cure him of it. She would have, too. Only, as I say, +Pupkin found that what he had mistaken for attraction was only +respect. And there's no use worrying a woman that you respect about +your crazes. + + +It was from Mallory Tompkins that Pupkin learned all about the +Mariposa people, because Pupkin came from away off--somewhere down in +the Maritime Provinces--and didn't know a soul. Mallory Tompkins used +to tell him about Judge Pepperleigh, and what a wonderfully clever +man he was and how he would have been in the Supreme Court for +certain if the Conservative Government had stayed in another fifteen +or twenty years instead of coming to a premature end. He used to talk +so much about the Pepperleighs, that Pupkin was sick of the very +name. But just as soon as he had seen Zena Pepperleigh he couldn't +hear enough of them. He would have talked with Tompkins for hours +about the judge's dog Rover. And as for Zena, if he could have +brought her name over his lips, he would have talked of her forever. + +He first saw her--by one of the strangest coincidences in the +world--on the Main Street of Mariposa. If he hadn't happened to be +going up the street and she to be coming down it, the thing wouldn't +have happened. Afterwards they both admitted that it was one of the +most peculiar coincidences they ever heard of. Pupkin owned that he +had had the strangest feeling that morning as if something were going +to happen--a feeling not at all to be classed with the one of which +he had once spoken to Miss Lawson, and which was, at the most, a mere +anticipation of respect. + +But, as I say, Pupkin met Zena Pepperleigh on the 26th of June, at +twenty-five minutes to eleven. And at once the whole world changed. +The past was all blotted out. Even in the new forty volume edition +of the "Instalment Record of Humanity" that Mallory Tompkins had just +received--Pupkin wouldn't have bothered with it. + +She--that word henceforth meant Zena--had just come back from her +boarding-school, and of all times of year coming back from a +boarding-school and for wearing a white shirt waist and a crimson tie +and for carrying a tennis racket on the stricken street of a +town--commend me to the month of June in Mariposa. + +And, for Pupkin, straight away the whole town was irradiated with +sunshine, and there was such a singing of the birds, and such a +dancing of the rippled waters of the lake, and such a kindliness in +the faces of all the people, that only those who have lived in +Mariposa, and been young there, can know at all what he felt. + +The simple fact is that just the moment he saw Zena Pepperleigh, +Mr. Pupkin was clean, plumb, straight, flat, absolutely in love with +her. + +Which fact is so important that it would be folly not to close the +chapter and think about it. + + + +EIGHT + +The Fore-ordained Attachment of Zena Pepperleigh and Peter Pupkin + +Zena Pepperleigh used to sit reading novels on the piazza of the +judge's house, half hidden by the Virginia creepers. At times the +book would fall upon her lap and there was such a look of unstilled +yearning in her violet eyes that it did not entirely disappear even +when she picked up the apple that lay beside her and took another +bite out of it. + +With hands clasped she would sit there dreaming all the beautiful +day-dreams of girlhood. When you saw that faraway look in her eyes, +it meant that she was dreaming that a plumed and armoured knight was +rescuing her from the embattled keep of a castle beside the Danube. +At other times she was being borne away by an Algerian corsair over +the blue waters of the Mediterranean and was reaching out her arms +towards France to say farewell to it. + +Sometimes when you noticed a sweet look of resignation that seemed to +rest upon her features, it meant that Lord Ronald de Chevereux was +kneeling at her feet, and that she was telling him to rise, that her +humbler birth must ever be a bar to their happiness, and Lord Ronald +was getting into an awful state about it, as English peers do at the +least suggestion of anything of the sort. + +Or, if it wasn't that, then her lover had just returned to her side, +tall and soldierly and sunburned, after fighting for ten years in the +Soudan for her sake, and had come back to ask her for her answer and +to tell her that for ten years her face had been with him even in the +watches of the night. He was asking her for a sign, any kind of +sign,--ten years in the Soudan entitles them to a sign,--and Zena was +plucking a white rose, just one, from her hair, when she would hear +her father's step on the piazza and make a grab for the Pioneers of +Tecumseh Township, and start reading it like mad. + +She was always, as I say, being rescued and being borne away, and +being parted, and reaching out her arms to France and to Spain, and +saying good-bye forever to Valladolid or the old grey towers of +Hohenbranntwein. + +And I don't mean that she was in the least exceptional or romantic, +because all the girls in Mariposa were just like that. An Algerian +corsair could have come into the town and had a dozen of them for the +asking, and as for a wounded English officer,--well, perhaps it's +better not to talk about it outside or the little town would become a +regular military hospital. + +Because, mind you, the Mariposa girls are all right. You've only to +look at them to realize that. You see, you can get in Mariposa a +print dress of pale blue or pale pink for a dollar twenty that looks +infinitely better than anything you ever see in the city,--especially +if you can wear with it a broad straw hat and a background of maple +trees and the green grass of a tennis court. And if you remember, +too, that these are cultivated girls who have all been to the +Mariposa high school and can do decimal fractions, you will +understand that an Algerian corsair would sharpen his scimitar at the +very sight of them. + +Don't think either that they are all dying to get married; because +they are not. I don't say they wouldn't take an errant knight, or a +buccaneer or a Hungarian refugee, but for the ordinary marriages of +ordinary people they feel nothing but a pitying disdain. So it is +that each one of them in due time marries an enchanted prince and +goes to live in one of the little enchanted houses in the lower part +of the town. + +I don't know whether you know it, but you can rent an enchanted house +in Mariposa for eight dollars a month, and some of the most +completely enchanted are the cheapest. As for the enchanted princes, +they find them in the strangest places, where you never expected to +see them, working--under a spell, you understand,--in drug-stores and +printing offices, and even selling things in shops. But to be able to +find them you have first to read ever so many novels about Sir +Galahad and the Errant Quest and that sort of thing. + + +Naturally then Zena Pepperleigh, as she sat on the piazza, dreamed of +bandits and of wounded officers and of Lord Ronalds riding on +foam-flecked chargers. But that she ever dreamed of a junior bank +teller in a daffodil blazer riding past on a bicycle, is pretty hard +to imagine. So, when Mr. Pupkin came tearing past up the slope of +Oneida Street at a speed that proved that he wasn't riding there +merely to pass the house, I don't suppose that Zena Pepperleigh was +aware of his existence. + +That may be a slight exaggeration. She knew, perhaps, that he was the +new junior teller in the Exchange Bank and that he came from the +Maritime Provinces, and that nobody knew who his people were, and +that he had never been in a canoe in his life till he came to +Mariposa, and that he sat four pews back in Dean Drone's church, and +that his salary was eight hundred dollars. Beyond that, she didn't +know a thing about him. She presumed, however, that the reason why he +went past so fast was because he didn't dare to go slow. + +This, of course, was perfectly correct. Ever since the day when Mr. +Pupkin met Zena in the Main Street he used to come past the house on +his bicycle just after bank hours. He would have gone past twenty +times a day but he was afraid to. As he came up Oneida Street, he +used to pedal faster and faster,--he never meant to, but he couldn't +help it,--till he went past the piazza where Zena was sitting at an +awful speed with his little yellow blazer flying in the wind. In a +second he had disappeared in a buzz and a cloud of dust, and the +momentum of it carried him clear out into the country for miles and +miles before he ever dared to pause or look back. + +Then Mr. Pupkin would ride in a huge circuit about the country, +trying to think he was looking at the crops, and sooner or later his +bicycle would be turned towards the town again and headed for Oneida +Street, and would get going quicker and quicker and quicker, till the +pedals whirled round with a buzz and he came past the judge's house +again, like a bullet out of a gun. He rode fifteen miles to pass the +house twice, and even then it took all the nerve that he had. + +The people on Oneida Street thought that Mr. Pupkin was crazy, but +Zena Pepperleigh knew that he was not. Already, you see, there was a +sort of dim parallel between the passing of the bicycle and the last +ride of Tancred the Inconsolable along the banks of the Danube. + +I have already mentioned, I think, how Mr. Pupkin and Zena +Pepperleigh first came to know one another. Like everything else +about them, it was a sheer matter of coincidence, quite inexplicable +unless you understand that these things are fore-ordained. + +That, of course, is the way with fore-ordained affairs and that's +where they differ from ordinary love. + + +I won't even try to describe how Mr. Pupkin felt when he first spoke +with Zena and sat beside her as they copied out the "endless chain" +letter asking for ten cents. They wrote out, as I said, no less than +eight of the letters between them, and they found out that their +handwritings were so alike that you could hardly tell them apart, +except that Pupkin's letters were round and Zena's letters were +pointed and Pupkin wrote straight up and down and Zena wrote on a +slant. Beyond that the writing was so alike that it was the strangest +coincidence in the world. Of course when they made figures it was +different and Pupkin explained to Zena that in the bank you have to +be able to make a seven so that it doesn't look like a nine. + +So, as I say, they wrote the letters all afternoon and when it was +over they walked up Oneida Street together, ever so slowly. When they +got near the house, Zena asked Pupkin to come in to tea, with such an +easy off-hand way that you couldn't have told that she was half an +hour late and was taking awful chances on the judge. Pupkin hadn't +had time to say yes before the judge appeared at the door, just as +they were stepping up on to the piazza, and he had a table napkin in +his hand and the dynamite sparks were flying from his spectacles as +he called out: + +"Great heaven! Zena, why in everlasting blazes can't you get in to +tea at a Christian hour?" + +Zena gave one look of appeal to Pupkin, and Pupkin looked one glance +of comprehension, and turned and fled down Oneida Street. And if the +scene wasn't quite as dramatic as the renunciation of Tancred the +Troubadour, it at least had something of the same elements in it. + +Pupkin walked home to his supper at the Mariposa House on air, and +that evening there was a gentle distance in his manner towards Sadie, +the dining-room girl, that I suppose no bank clerk in Mariposa ever +showed before. It was like Sir Galahad talking with the tire-women of +Queen Guinevere and receiving huckleberry pie at their hands. + +After that Mr. Pupkin and Zena Pepperleigh constantly met together. +They played tennis as partners on the grass court behind Dr. +Gallagher's house,--the Mariposa Tennis Club rent it, you remember, +for fifty cents a month,--and Pupkin used to perform perfect +prodigies of valour, leaping in the air to serve with his little body +hooked like a letter S. Sometimes, too, they went out on Lake +Wissanotti in the evening in Pupkin's canoe, with Zena sitting in the +bow and Pupkin paddling in the stern and they went out ever so far +and it was after dark and the stars were shining before they came +home. Zena would look at the stars and say how infinitely far away +they seemed, and Pupkin would realize that a girl with a mind like +that couldn't have any use for a fool such as him. Zena used to ask +him to point out the Pleiades and Jupiter and Ursa minor, and Pupkin +showed her exactly where they were. That impressed them both +tremendously, because Pupkin didn't know that Zena remembered the +names out of the astronomy book at her boarding-school, and Zena +didn't know that Pupkin simply took a chance on where the stars were. + +And ever so many times they talked so intimately that Pupkin came +mighty near telling her about his home in the Maritime Provinces and +about his father and mother, and then kicked himself that he hadn't +the manliness to speak straight out about it and take the +consequences. + +Please don't imagine from any of this that the course of Mr. Pupkin's +love ran smooth. On the contrary, Pupkin himself felt that it was +absolutely hopeless from the start. + +There were, it might be admitted, certain things that seemed to +indicate progress. + +In the course of the months of June and July and August, he had taken +Zena out in his canoe thirty-one times. Allowing an average of two +miles for each evening, Pupkin had paddled Zena sixty-two miles, or +more than a hundred thousand yards. That surely was something. + +He had played tennis with her on sixteen afternoons. Three times he +had left his tennis racket up at the judge's house in Zena's charge, +and once he had, with her full consent, left his bicycle there all +night. This must count for something. No girl could trifle with a man +to the extent of having his bicycle leaning against the verandah post +all night and mean nothing by it. + +More than that--he had been to tea at the judge's house fourteen +times, and seven times he had been asked by Lilian Drone to the +rectory when Zena was coming, and five times by Nora Gallagher to tea +at the doctor's house because Zena was there. + +Altogether he had eaten so many meals where Zena was that his meal +ticket at the Mariposa lasted nearly double its proper time, and the +face of Sadie, the dining-room girl, had grown to wear a look of +melancholy resignation; sadder than romance. + +Still more than that, Pupkin had bought for Zena, reckoning it +altogether, about two buckets of ice cream and perhaps half a bushel +of chocolate. Not that Pupkin grudged the expense of it. On the +contrary, over and above the ice cream and the chocolate he had +bought her a white waistcoat and a walking stick with a gold top, a +lot of new neckties and a pair of patent leather boots--that is, +they were all bought on account of her, which is the same thing. + +Add to all this that Pupkin and Zena had been to the Church of +England Church nearly every Sunday evening for two months, and one +evening they had even gone to the Presbyterian Church "for fun," +which, if you know Mariposa, you will realize to be a wild sort of +escapade that ought to speak volumes. + + +Yet in spite of this, Pupkin felt that the thing was hopeless: which +only illustrates the dreadful ups and downs, the wild alternations of +hope and despair that characterise an exceptional affair of this +sort. + +Yes, it was hopeless. + +Every time that Pupkin watched Zena praying in church, he knew that +she was too good for him. Every time that he came to call for her and +found her reading Browning and Omar Khayyam he knew that she was too +clever for him. And every time that he saw her at all he realized +that she was too beautiful for him. + +You see, Pupkin knew that he wasn't a hero. When Zena would clasp her +hands and talk rapturously about crusaders and soldiers and firemen +and heroes generally, Pupkin knew just where he came in. Not in it, +that was all. If a war could have broken out in Mariposa, or the +judge's house been invaded by the Germans, he might have had a +chance, but as it was--hopeless. + +Then there was Zena's father. Heaven knows Pupkin tried hard to +please the judge. He agreed with every theory that Judge Pepperleigh +advanced, and that took a pretty pliable intellect in itself. They +denounced female suffrage one day and they favoured it the next. One +day the judge would claim that the labour movement was eating out the +heart of the country, and the next day he would hold that the hope of +the world lay in the organization of the toiling masses. Pupkin +shifted his opinions like the glass in a kaleidoscope. Indeed, the +only things on which he was allowed to maintain a steadfast +conviction were the purity of the Conservative party of Canada and +the awful wickedness of the recall of judges. + +But with all that the judge was hardly civil to Pupkin. He hadn't +asked him to the house till Zena brought him there, though, as a +rule, all the bank clerks in Mariposa treated Judge Pepperleigh's +premises as their own. He used to sit and sneer at Pupkin after he +had gone till Zena would throw down the Pioneers of Tecumseh Township +in a temper and flounce off the piazza to her room. After which the +judge's manner would change instantly and he would relight his corn +cob pipe and sit and positively beam with contentment. In all of +which there was something so mysterious as to prove that Mr. Pupkin's +chances were hopeless. + +Nor was that all of it. Pupkin's salary was eight hundred dollars a +year and the Exchange Bank limit for marriage was a thousand. + +I suppose you are aware of the grinding capitalistic tyranny of the +banks in Mariposa whereby marriage is put beyond the reach of ever so +many mature and experienced men of nineteen and twenty and +twenty-one, who are compelled to go on eating on a meal ticket at the +Mariposa House and living over the bank to suit the whim of a group +of capitalists. + +Whenever Pupkin thought of this two hundred dollars he understood all +that it meant by social unrest. In fact, he interpreted all forms of +social discontent in terms of it. Russian Anarchism, German +Socialism, the Labour Movement, Henry George, Lloyd George,--he +understood the whole lot of them by thinking of his two hundred +dollars. + +When I tell you that at this period Mr. Pupkin read Memoirs of the +Great Revolutionists and even thought of blowing up Henry Mullins +with dynamite, you can appreciate his state of mind. + + +But not even by all these hindrances and obstacles to his love for +Zena Pepperleigh would Peter Pupkin have been driven to commit +suicide (oh, yes; he committed it three times, as I'm going to tell +you), had it not been for another thing that he knew stood once and +for all and in cold reality between him and Zena. + +He felt it in a sort of way, as soon as he knew her. Each time that +he tried to talk to her about his home and his father and mother and +found that something held him back, he realized more and more the +kind of thing that stood between them. Most of all did he realize it, +with a sudden sickness of heart, when he got word that his father and +mother wanted to come to Mariposa to see him and he had all he could +do to head them off from it. + +Why? Why stop them? The reason was, simple enough, that Pupkin was +ashamed of them, bitterly ashamed. The picture of his mother and +father turning up in Mariposa and being seen by his friends there and +going up to the Pepperleigh's house made him feel faint with shame. + +No, I don't say it wasn't wrong. It only shows what difference of +fortune, the difference of being rich and being poor, means in this +world. You perhaps have been so lucky that you cannot appreciate what +it means to feel shame at the station of your own father and mother. +You think it doesn't matter, that honesty and kindliness of heart are +all that counts. That only shows that you have never known some of +the bitterest feelings of people less fortunate than yourself. + +So it was with Mr. Pupkin. When he thought of his father and mother +turning up in Mariposa, his face reddened with unworthy shame. + +He could just picture the scene! He could see them getting out of +their Limousine touring car, with the chauffeur holding open the door +for them, and his father asking for a suite of rooms,--just think of +it, a suite of rooms!--at the Mariposa House. + +The very thought of it turned him ill. + +What! You have mistaken my meaning? Ashamed of them because they were +poor? Good heavens, no, but because they were rich! And not rich in +the sense in which they use the term in Mariposa, where a rich person +merely means a man who has money enough to build a house with a +piazza and to have everything he wants; but rich in the other +sense,--motor cars, Ritz hotels, steam yachts, summer islands and all +that sort of thing. + +Why, Pupkin's father,--what's the use of trying to conceal it any +longer?--was the senior partner in the law firm of Pupkin, Pupkin and +Pupkin. If you know the Maritime Provinces at all, you've heard of +the Pupkins. The name is a household word from Chedabucto to +Chidabecto. And, for the matter of that, the law firm and the fact +that Pupkin senior had been an Attorney General was the least part of +it. Attorney General! Why, there's no money in that! It's no better +than the Senate. No, no, Pupkin senior, like so many lawyers, was +practically a promoter, and he blew companies like bubbles, and when +he wasn't in the Maritime Provinces he was in Boston and New York +raising money and floating loans, and when they had no money left in +New York he floated it in London: and when he had it, he floated on +top of it big rafts of lumber on the Miramichi and codfish on the +Grand Banks and lesser fish in the Fundy Bay. You've heard perhaps of +the Tidal Transportation Company, and Fundy Fisheries Corporation, +and the Paspebiac Pulp and Paper Unlimited? Well, all of those were +Pupkin senior under other names. So just imagine him in Mariposa! +Wouldn't he be utterly foolish there? Just imagine him meeting Jim +Eliot and treating him like a druggist merely because he ran a drug +store! or speaking to Jefferson Thorpe as if he were a barber simply +because he shaved for money! Why, a man like that could ruin young +Pupkin in Mariposa in half a day, and Pupkin knew it. + +That wouldn't matter so much, but think of the Pepperleighs and +Zena! Everything. would be over with them at once. Pupkin knew just +what the judge thought of riches and luxuries. How often had he heard +the judge pass sentences of life imprisonment on Pierpont Morgan and +Mr. Rockefeller. How often had Pupkin heard him say that any man who +received more than three thousand dollars a year (that was the +judicial salary in the Missinaba district) was a mere robber, unfit +to shake the hand of an honest man. Bitter! I should think he was! +He was not so bitter, perhaps, as Mr. Muddleson, the principal of the +Mariposa high school, who said that any man who received more than +fifteen hundred dollars was a public enemy. He was certainly not so +bitter as Trelawney, the post-master, who said that any man who got +from society more than thirteen hundred dollars (apart from a +legitimate increase in recognition of a successful election) was a +danger to society. Still, he was bitter. They all were in Mariposa. +Pupkin could just imagine how they would despise his father! + +And Zena! That was the worst of all. How often had, Pupkin heard her +say that she simply hated diamonds wouldn't wear them, despised them, +wouldn't give a thank you for a whole tiara of them! As for motor +cars and steam yachts,--well, it was pretty plain that that sort of +thing had no chance with Zena Pepperleigh. Why, she had told Pupkin +one night in the canoe that she would only marry a man who was poor +and had his way to make and would hew down difficulties for her sake. +And when Pupkin couldn't answer the argument she was quite cross and +silent all the way home. + + +What was Peter Pupkin doing, then, at eight hundred dollars in a bank +in Mariposa? If you ask that, it means that you know nothing of the +life of the Maritime Provinces and the sturdy temper of the people. I +suppose there are no people in the world who hate luxury and +extravagance and that sort of thing quite as much as the Maritime +Province people, and, of them, no one hated luxury more than Pupkin +senior. + +Don't mistake the man. He wore a long sealskin coat in winter, yes; +but mark you, not as a matter of luxury, but merely as a question of +his lungs. He smoked, I admit it, a thirty-five cent cigar, not +because he preferred it, but merely through a delicacy of the thorax +that made it imperative. He drank champagne at lunch, I concede the +point, not in the least from the enjoyment of it, but simply on +account of a peculiar affection of the tongue and lips that +positively dictated it. His own longing--and his wife shared it--was +for the simple, simple life--an island somewhere, with birds and +trees. They had bought three or four islands--one in the St. +Lawrence, and two in the Gulf, and one off the coast of +Maine--looking for this sort of thing. Pupkin senior often said that +he wanted to have some place that would remind him of the little old +farm up the Aroostook where he was brought up. He often bought little +old farms, just to try them, but they always turned out to be so near +a city that he cut them into real estate lots, without even having +had time to look at them. + +But--and this is where the emphasis lay--in the matter of luxury for +his only son, Peter, Pupkin senior was a Maritime Province man right +to the core, with all the hardihood of the United Empire Loyalists +ingrained in him. No luxury for that boy! No, sir! From his +childhood, Pupkin senior had undertaken, at the least sign of luxury, +to "tan it out of him," after the fashion still in vogue in the +provinces. Then he sent him to an old-fashioned school to get it +"thumped out of him," and after that he had put him for a year on a +Nova Scotia schooner to get it "knocked out of him." If, after all +that, young Pupkin, even when he came to Mariposa, wore cameo pins +and daffodil blazers, and broke out into ribbed silk saffron ties on +pay day, it only shows that the old Adam still needs further tanning +even in the Maritime Provinces. + +Young Pupkin, of course, was to have gone into law. That was his +father's cherished dream and would have made the firm Pupkin, Pupkin, +Pupkin, and Pupkin, as it ought to have been. But young Peter was +kept out of the law by the fool system of examinations devised since +his father's time. Hence there was nothing for it but to sling him +into a bank; "sling him" was, I think, the expression. So his father +decided that if Pupkin was to be slung, he should be slung good and +far--clean into Canada (you know the way they use that word in the +Maritime Provinces). And to sling Pupkin he called in the services of +an old friend, a man after his own heart, just as violent as himself, +who used to be at the law school in the city with Pupkin senior +thirty years ago. So this friend, who happened to live in Mariposa, +and who was a violent man, said at once: "Edward, by Jehoshaphat! +send the boy up here." + +So that is how Pupkin came to Mariposa. And if, when he got there, +his father's friend gave no sign, and treated the boy with roughness +and incivility, that may have been, for all I know, a continuation of +the "tanning" process of the Maritime people. + +Did I mention that the Pepperleigh family, generations ago, had taken +up land near the Aroostook, and that it was from there the judge's +father came to Tecumseh township? Perhaps not, but it doesn't matter. + +But surely after such reminiscences as these the awful things that +are impending over Mr. Pupkin must be kept for another chapter. + + + +NINE + +The Mariposa Bank Mystery + +Suicide is a thing that ought not to be committed without very +careful thought. It often involves serious consequences, and in some +cases brings pain to others than oneself. + +I don't say that there is no justification for it. There often is. +Anybody who has listened to certain kinds of music, or read certain +kinds of poetry, or heard certain kinds of performances upon the +concertina, will admit that there are some lives which ought not to +be continued, and that even suicide has its brighter aspects. + +But to commit suicide on grounds of love is at the best a very +dubious experiment. I know that in this I am expressing an opinion +contrary to that of most true lovers who embrace suicide on the +slightest provocation as the only honourable termination of an +existence that never ought to have begun. + +I quite admit that there is a glamour and a sensation about the thing +which has its charm, and that there is nothing like it for causing a +girl to realize the value of the heart that she has broken and which +breathed forgiveness upon her at the very moment when it held in its +hand the half-pint of prussic acid that was to terminate its beating +for ever. + +But apart from the general merits of the question, I suppose there +are few people, outside of lovers, who know what it is to commit +suicide four times in five weeks. + +Yet this was what happened to Mr. Pupkin, of the Exchange Bank of +Mariposa. + +Ever since he had known Zena Pepperleigh he had realized that his +love for her was hopeless. She was too beautiful for him and too good +for him; her father hated him and her mother despised him; his salary +was too small and his own people were too rich. + +If you add to all that that he came up to the judge's house one night +and found a poet reciting verses to Zena, you will understand the +suicide at once. It was one of those regular poets with a solemn +jackass face, and lank parted hair and eyes like puddles of molasses. +I don't know how he came there--up from the city, probably--but +there he was on the Pepperleighs' verandah that August evening. He +was reciting poetry--either Tennyson's or Shelley's, or his own, you +couldn't tell--and about him sat Zena with her hands clasped and Nora +Gallagher looking at the sky and Jocelyn Drone gazing into infinity, +and a little tubby woman looking at the poet with her head falling +over sideways--in fact, there was a whole group of them. + + +I don't know what it is about poets that draws women to them in this +way. But everybody knows that a poet has only to sit and saw the air +with his hands and recite verses in a deep stupid voice, and all the +women are crazy over him. Men despise him and would kick him off the +verandah if they dared, but the women simply rave over him. + +So Pupkin sat there in the gloom and listened to this poet reciting +Browning and he realized that everybody understood it but him. He +could see Zena with her eyes fixed on the poet as if she were hanging +on to every syllable (she was; she needed to), and he stood it just +about fifteen minutes and then slid off the side of the verandah and +disappeared without even saying good-night. + +He walked straight down Oneida Street and along the Main Street just +as hard as he could go. There was only one purpose in his +mind,--suicide. He was heading straight for Jim Eliot's drug store on +the main corner and his idea was to buy a drink of chloroform and +drink it and die right there on the spot. + +As Pupkin walked down the street, the whole thing was so vivid in his +mind that he could picture it to the remotest detail. He could even +see it all in type, in big headings in the newspapers of the +following day: + +APPALLING SUICIDE. PETER PUPKIN POISONED. + +He perhaps hoped that the thing might lead to some kind of public +enquiry and that the question of Browning's poetry and whether it is +altogether fair to allow of its general circulation would be fully +ventilated in the newspapers. + +Thinking of that, Pupkin came to the main corner. + +On a warm August evening the drug store of Mariposa, as you know, is +all a blaze of lights. You can hear the hissing of the soda-water +fountain half a block away, and inside the store there are ever so +many people--boys and girls and old people too--all drinking +sarsaparilla and chocolate sundaes and lemon sours and foaming drinks +that you take out of long straws. There is such a laughing and a +talking as you never heard, and the girls are all in white and pink +and cambridge blue, and the soda fountain is of white marble with +silver taps, and it hisses and sputters, and Jim Eliot and his +assistant wear white coats with red geraniums in them, and it's just +as gay as gay. + +The foyer of the opera in Paris may be a fine sight, but I doubt if +it can compare with the inside of Eliot's drug store in Mariposa--for +real gaiety and joy of living. + +This night the store was especially crowded because it was a Saturday +and that meant early closing for all the hotels, except, of course, +Smith's. So as the hotels were shut, the people were all in the drug +store, drinking like fishes. It just shows the folly of Local Option +and the Temperance Movement and all that. Why, if you shut the hotels +you simply drive the people to the soda fountains and there's more +drinking than ever, and not only of the men, too, but the girls and +young boys and children. I've seen little things of eight and nine +that had to be lifted up on the high stools at Eliot's drug store, +drinking great goblets of lemon soda, enough to burst them--brought +there by their own fathers, and why? Simply because the hotel bars +were shut. + +What's the use of thinking you can stop people drinking merely by +cutting off whiskey and brandy? The only effect is to drive them to +taking lemon sour and sarsaparilla and cherry pectoral and caroka +cordial and things they wouldn't have touched before. So in the long +run they drink more than ever. The point is that you can't prevent +people having a good time, no matter how hard you try. If they can't +have it with lager beer and brandy, they'll have it with plain soda +and lemon pop, and so the whole gloomy scheme of the temperance +people breaks down, anyway. + +But I was only saying that Eliot's drug store in Mariposa on a +Saturday night is the gayest and brightest spot in the world. + +And just imagine what a fool of a place to commit suicide in! + +Just imagine going up to the soda-water fountain and asking for five +cents' worth of chloroform and soda! Well, you simply can't, that's +all. + +That's the way Pupkin found it. You see, as soon as he came in, +somebody called out: "Hello, Pete!" and one or two others called: +"Hullo, Pup!" and some said: "How goes it?" and others: "How are you +toughing it?" and so on, because you see they had all been drinking +more or less and naturally they felt jolly and glad-hearted. + +So the upshot of it was that instead of taking chloroform, Pupkin +stepped up to the counter of the fountain and he had a bromo-seltzer +with cherry soda, and after that he had one of those aerated +seltzers, and then a couple of lemon seltzers and a bromo-phizzer. + +I don't know if you know the mental effect of a bromo-seltzer. + +But it's a hard thing to commit suicide on. + +You can't. + +You feel so buoyant. + +Anyway, what with the phizzing of the seltzer and the lights and the +girls, Pupkin began to feel so fine that he didn't care a cuss for +all the Browning in the world, and as for the poet--oh, to blazes +with him! What's poetry, anyway?--only rhymes. + +So, would you believe it, in about ten minutes Peter Pupkin was off +again and heading straight for the Pepperleighs' house, poet or no +poet, and, what was more to the point, he carried with him three +great bricks of Eliot's ice cream--in green, pink and brown layers. +He struck the verandah just at the moment when Browning was getting +too stale and dreary for words. His brain was all sizzling and jolly +with the bromo-seltzer, and when he fetched out the ice cream bricks +and Zena ran to get plates and spoons to eat it with, and Pupkin went +with her to help fetch them and they picked out the spoons together, +they were so laughing and happy that it was just a marvel. Girls, you +know, need no bromo-seltzer. They're full of it all the time. + +And as for the poet--well, can you imagine how Pupkin felt when Zena +told him that the poet was married, and that the tubby little woman +with her head on sideways was his wife? + +So they had the ice cream, and the poet ate it in bucketsful. Poets +always do. They need it. And after it the poet recited some stanzas +of his own and Pupkin saw that he had misjudged the man, because it +was dandy poetry, the very best. That night Pupkin walked home on air +and there was no thought of chloroform, and it turned out that he +hadn't committed suicide, but like all lovers he had commuted it. + + +I don't need to describe in full the later suicides of Mr. Pupkin, +because they were all conducted on the same plan and rested on +something the same reasons as above. + +Sometimes he would go down at night to the offices of the bank below +his bedroom and bring up his bank revolver in order to make an end of +himself with it. This, too, he could see headed up in the newspapers +as: + +BRILLIANT BOY BANKER BLOWS OUT BRAINS. + +But blowing your brains out is a noisy, rackety performance, and +Pupkin soon found that only special kinds of brains are suited for +it. So he always sneaked back again later in the night and put the +revolver in its place, deciding to drown himself instead. Yet every +time that he walked down to the Trestle Bridge over the Ossawippi he +found it was quite unsuitable for drowning--too high, and the water +too swift and black, and the rushes too gruesome--in fact, not at +all the kind of place for a drowning. + +Far better, he realized, to wait there on the railroad track and +throw himself under the wheels of the express and be done with it. +Yet, though Pupkin often waited in this way for the train, he was +never able to pick out a pair of wheels that suited him. Anyhow, it's +awfully hard to tell an express from a fast freight. + +I wouldn't mention these attempts at suicide if one of them hadn't +finally culminated in making Peter Pupkin a hero and solving for him +the whole perplexed entanglement of his love affair with Zena +Pepperleigh. Incidentally it threw him into the very centre of one of +the most impenetrable bank mysteries that ever baffled the ingenuity +of some of the finest legal talent that ever adorned one of the most +enterprising communities in the country. + +It happened one night, as I say, that Pupkin decided to go down into +the office of the bank and get his revolver and see if it would blow +his brains out. It was the night of the Firemen's Ball and Zena had +danced four times with a visitor from the city, a man who was in the +fourth year at the University and who knew everything. It was more +than Peter Pupkin could bear. Mallory Tompkins was away that night, +and when Pupkin came home he was all alone in the building, except +for Gillis, the caretaker, who lived in the extension at the back. + +He sat in his room for hours brooding. Two or three times he picked +up a book--he remembered afterwards distinctly that it was Kant's +Critique of Pure Reason--and tried to read it, but it seemed +meaningless and trivial. Then with a sudden access of resolution he +started from his chair and made his way down the stairs and into the +office room of the bank, meaning to get a revolver and kill himself +on the spot and let them find his body lying on the floor. + +It was then far on in the night and the empty building of the bank +was as still as death. Pupkin could hear the stairs creak under his +feet, and as he went he thought he heard another sound like the +opening or closing of a door. But it sounded not like the sharp +ordinary noise of a closing door but with a dull muffled noise as if +someone had shut the iron door of a safe in a room under the ground. +For a moment Pupkin stood and listened with his heart thumping +against his ribs. Then he kicked his slippers from his feet and +without a sound stole into the office on the ground floor and took +the revolver from his teller's desk. As he gripped it, he listened to +the sounds on the back-stairway and in the vaults below. + +I should explain that in the Exchange Bank of Mariposa the offices +are on the ground floor level with the street. Below this is another +floor with low dark rooms paved with flagstones, with unused office +desks and with piles of papers stored in boxes. On this floor are the +vaults of the bank, and lying in them in the autumn--the grain +season--there is anything from fifty to a hundred thousand dollars in +currency tied in bundles. There is no other light down there than the +dim reflection from the lights out on the street, that lies in +patches on the stone floor. + +I think as Peter Pupkin stood, revolver in hand, in the office of the +bank, he had forgotten all about the maudlin purpose of his first +coming. He had forgotten for the moment all about heroes and love +affairs, and his whole mind was focussed, sharp and alert, with the +intensity of the night-time, on the sounds that he heard in the vault +and on the back-stairway of the bank. + +Straight away, Pupkin knew what it meant as plainly as if it were +written in print. He had forgotten, I say, about being a hero and he +only knew that there was sixty thousand dollars in the vault of the +bank below, and that he was paid eight hundred dollars a year to look +after it. + +As Peter Pupkin stood there listening to the sounds in his stockinged +feet, his faced showed grey as ashes in the light that fell through +the window from the street. His heart beat like a hammer against his +ribs. But behind its beatings was the blood of four generations of +Loyalists, and the robber who would take that sixty thousand dollars +from the Mariposa bank must take it over the dead body of Peter +Pupkin, teller. + + +Pupkin walked down the stairs to the lower room, the one below the +ground with the bank vault in it, with as fine a step as any of his +ancestors showed on parade. And if he had known it, as he came down +the stairway in the front of the vault room, there was a man crouched +in the shadow of the passage way by the stairs at the back. This man, +too, held a revolver in his hand, and, criminal or not, his face was +as resolute as Pupkin's own. As he heard the teller's step on the +stair, he turned and waited in the shadow of the doorway without a +sound. + +There is no need really to mention all these details. They are only +of interest as showing how sometimes a bank teller in a corded +smoking jacket and stockinged feet may be turned into such a hero as +even the Mariposa girls might dream about. + +All of this must have happened at about three o'clock in the night. +This much was established afterwards from the evidence of Gillis, the +caretaker. When he first heard the sounds he had looked at his watch +and noticed that it was half-past two; the watch he knew was +three-quarters of an hour slow three days before and had been gaining +since. The exact time at which Gillis heard footsteps in the bank +and started downstairs, pistol in hand, became a nice point +afterwards in the cross-examination. + +But one must not anticipate. Pupkin reached the iron door of the bank +safe, and knelt in front of it, feeling in the dark to find the +fracture of the lock. As he knelt, he heard a sound behind him, and +swung round on his knees and saw the bank robber in the half light of +the passage way and the glitter of a pistol in his hand. The rest was +over in an instant. Pupkin heard a voice that was his own, but that +sounded strange and hollow, call out: "Drop that, or I'll fire!" and +then just as he raised his revolver, there came a blinding flash of +light before his eyes, and Peter Pupkin, junior teller of the bank, +fell forward on the floor and knew no more. + + +At that point, of course, I ought to close down a chapter, or volume, +or, at least, strike the reader over the head with a sandbag to force +him to stop and think. In common fairness one ought to stop here and +count a hundred or get up and walk round a block, or, at any rate, +picture to oneself Peter Pupkin lying on the floor of the bank, +motionless, his arms distended, the revolver still grasped in his +hand. But I must go on. + +By half-past seven on the following morning it was known all over +Mariposa that Peter Pupkin the junior teller of the Exchange had been +shot dead by a bank robber in the vault of the building. It was known +also that Gillis, the caretaker, had been shot and killed at the foot +of the stairs, and that the robber had made off with fifty thousand +dollars in currency; that he had left a trail of blood on the +sidewalk and that the men were out tracking him with bloodhounds in +the great swamps to the north of the town. + +This, I say, and it is important to note it, was what they knew at +half-past seven. Of course as each hour went past they learned more +and more. At eight o'clock it was known that Pupkin was not dead, but +dangerously wounded in the lungs. At eight-thirty it was known that +he was not shot in the lungs, but that the ball had traversed the pit +of his stomach. + +At nine o'clock it was learned that the pit of Pupkin's stomach was +all right, but that the bullet had struck his right ear and carried +it away. Finally it was learned that his ear had not exactly been +carried away, that is, not precisely removed by the bullet, but that +it had grazed Pupkin's head in such a way that it had stunned him, +and if it had been an inch or two more to the left it might have +reached his brain. This, of course, was just as good as being killed +from the point of view of public interest. + +Indeed, by nine o'clock Pupkin could be himself seen on the Main +Street with a great bandage sideways on his head, pointing out the +traces of the robber. Gillis, the caretaker, too, it was known by +eight, had not been killed. He had been shot through the brain, but +whether the injury was serious or not was only a matter of +conjecture. In fact, by ten o'clock it was understood that the bullet +from the robber's second shot had grazed the side of the caretaker's +head, but as far as could be known his brain was just as before. I +should add that the first report about the bloodstains and the swamp +and the bloodhounds turned out to be inaccurate. The stains may have +been blood, but as they led to the cellar way of Netley's store they +may have also been molasses, though it was argued, to be sure, that +the robber might well have poured molasses over the bloodstains from +sheer cunning. + +It was remembered, too, that there were no bloodhounds in Mariposa, +although, mind you, there are any amount of dogs there. + +So you see that by ten o'clock in the morning the whole affair was +settling into the impenetrable mystery which it ever since remained. + +Not that there wasn't evidence enough. There was Pupkin's own story +and Gillis's story, and the stories of all the people who had heard +the shots and seen the robber (some said, the bunch of robbers) go +running past (others said, walking past), in the night. Apparently +the robber ran up and down half the streets of Mariposa before he +vanished. + +But the stories of Pupkin and Gillis were plain enough. Pupkin +related that he heard sounds in the bank and came downstairs just in +time to see the robber crouching in the passage way, and that the +robber was a large, hulking, villainous looking man, wearing a heavy +coat. Gillis told exactly the same story, having heard the noises at +the same time, except that he first described the robber as a small +thin fellow (peculiarly villainous looking, however, even in the +dark), wearing a short jacket; but on thinking it over, Gillis +realized that he had been wrong about the size of the criminal, and +that he was even bigger, if anything, than what Mr: Pupkin thought. +Gillis had fired at the robber; just at the same moment had Mr. +Pupkin. + +Beyond that, all was mystery, absolute and impenetrable. + +By eleven o'clock the detectives had come up from the city under +orders from the head of the bank. + + +I wish you could have seen the two detectives as they moved to and +fro in Mariposa--fine looking, stern, impenetrable men that they +were. They seemed to take in the whole town by instinct and so +quietly. They found their way to Mr. Smith's Hotel just as quietly as +if it wasn't design at all and stood there at the bar, picking up +scraps of conversation--you know the way detectives do it. +Occasionally they allowed one or two bystanders--confederates, +perhaps,--to buy a drink for them, and you could see from the way +they drank it that they were still listening for a clue. If there had +been the faintest clue in Smith's Hotel or in the Mariposa House or +in the Continental, those fellows would have been at it like a flash. + +To see them moving round the town that day--silent, massive, +imperturbable--gave one a great idea of their strange, dangerous +calling. They went about the town all day and yet in such a quiet +peculiar way that you couldn't have realized that they were working +at all. They ate their dinner together at Smith's cafe and took an +hour and a half over it to throw people off the scent. Then when they +got them off it, they sat and talked with Josh Smith in the back bar +to keep them off. Mr. Smith seemed to take to them right away. They +were men of his own size, or near it, and anyway hotel men and +detectives have a general affinity and share in the same impenetrable +silence and in their confidential knowledge of the weaknesses of the +public. + +Mr. Smith, too, was of great use to the detectives. "Boys," he said, +"I wouldn't ask too close as to what folks was out late at night: in +this town it don't do." + +When those two great brains finally left for the city on the +five-thirty, it was hard to realize that behind each grand, +impassible face a perfect vortex of clues was seething. + +But if the detectives were heroes, what was Pupkin? Imagine him with +his bandage on his head standing in front of the bank and talking of +the midnight robbery with that peculiar false modesty that only +heroes are entitled to use. + +I don't know whether you have ever been a hero, but for sheer +exhilaration there is nothing like it. And for Mr. Pupkin, who had +gone through life thinking himself no good, to be suddenly exalted +into the class of Napoleon Bonaparte and John Maynard and the Charge +of the Light Brigade--oh, it was wonderful. Because Pupkin was a +brave man now and he knew it and acquired with it all the brave man's +modesty. In fact, I believe he was heard to say that he had only done +his duty, and that what he did was what any other man would have +done: though when somebody else said: "That's so, when you come to +think of it," Pupkin turned on him that quiet look of the wounded +hero, bitterer than words. + +And if Pupkin had known that all of the afternoon papers in the city +reported him dead, he would have felt more luxurious still. + +That afternoon the Mariposa court sat in enquiry,--technically it +was summoned in inquest on the dead robber--though they hadn't found +the body--and it was wonderful to see them lining up the witnesses +and holding cross-examinations. There is something in the +cross-examination of great criminal lawyers like Nivens, of Mariposa, +and in the counter examinations of presiding judges like Pepperleigh +that thrills you to the core with the astuteness of it. + +They had Henry Mullins, the manager, on the stand for an hour and a +half, and the excitement was so breathless that you could have heard +a pin drop. Nivens took him on first. + +"What is your name?" he said. + +"Henry August Mullins." + +"What position do you hold?" + +"I am manager of the Exchange Bank." + +"When were you born?" + +"December 30, 1869." + +After that, Nivens stood looking quietly at Mullins. You could feel +that he was thinking pretty deeply before he shot the next question +at him. + +"Where did you go to school?" + +Mullins answered straight off: "The high school down home," and +Nivens thought again for a while and then asked: + +"How many boys were at the school?" + +"About sixty." + +"How many masters?" + +"About three." + +After that Nivens paused a long while and seemed to be digesting the +evidence, but at last an idea seemed to strike him and he said: + +"I understand you were not on the bank premises last night. Where +were you?" + +"Down the lake duck shooting." + +You should have seen the excitement in the court when Mullins said +this. The judge leaned forward in his chair and broke in at once. + +"Did you get any, Harry?" he asked. + +"Yes," Mullins said, "about six." + +"Where did you get them? What? In the wild rice marsh past the +river? You don't say so! Did you get them on the sit or how?" + +All of these questions were fired off at the witness from the court +in a single breath. In fact, it was the knowledge that the first +ducks of the season had been seen in the Ossawippi marsh that led to +the termination of the proceedings before the afternoon was a quarter +over. Mullins and George Duff and half the witnesses were off with +shotguns as soon as the court was cleared. + + +I may as well state at once that the full story of the robbery +of the bank of Mariposa never came to the light. A number of +arrests--mostly of vagrants and suspicious characters--were made, but +the guilt of the robbery was never brought home to them. One man was +arrested twenty miles away, at the other end of Missinaba county, +who not only corresponded exactly with the description of the robber, +but, in addition to this, had a wooden leg. Vagrants with one leg +are always regarded with suspicion in places like Mariposa, and +whenever a robbery or a murder happens they are arrested in batches. + +It was never even known just how much money was stolen from the bank. +Some people said ten thousand dollars, others more. The bank, no +doubt for business motives, claimed that the contents of the safe +were intact and that the robber had been foiled in his design. + +But none of this matters to the exaltation of Mr. Pupkin. Good +fortune, like bad, never comes in small instalments. On that +wonderful day, every good thing happened to Peter Pupkin at once. The +morning saw him a hero. At the sitting of the court, the judge +publicly told him that his conduct was fit to rank among the annals +of the pioneers of Tecumseh Township, and asked him to his house for +supper. At five o'clock he received the telegram of promotion from +the head office that raised his salary to a thousand dollars, and +made him not only a hero but a marriageable man. At six o'clock he +started up to the judge's house with his resolution nerved to the +most momentous step of his life. + +His mind was made up. + +He would do a thing seldom if ever done in Mariposa. He would propose +to Zena Pepperleigh. In Mariposa this kind of step, I say, is seldom +taken. The course of love runs on and on through all its stages of +tennis playing and dancing and sleigh riding, till by sheer notoriety +of circumstance an understanding is reached. To propose straight out +would be thought priggish and affected and is supposed to belong only +to people in books. + +But Pupkin felt that what ordinary people dare not do, heroes are +allowed to attempt. He would propose to Zena, and more than that, he +would tell her in a straight, manly way that he was rich and take the +consequences. + +And he did it. + +That night on the piazza, where the hammock hangs in the shadow of +the Virginia creeper, he did it. By sheer good luck the judge had +gone indoors to the library, and by a piece of rare good fortune Mrs. +Pepperleigh had gone indoors to the sewing room, and by a happy trick +of coincidence the servant was out and the dog was tied up--in fact, +no such chain of circumstances was ever offered in favour of mortal +man before. + +What Zena said--beyond saying yes--I do not know. I am sure that when +Pupkin told her of the money, she bore up as bravely as so fine a +girl as Zena would, and when he spoke of diamonds she said she would +wear them for his sake. + +They were saying these things and other things--ever so many other +things--when there was such a roar and a clatter up Oneida Street as +you never heard, and there came bounding up to the house one of the +most marvellous Limousine touring cars that ever drew up at the home +of a judge on a modest salary of three thousand dollars. When it +stopped there sprang from it an excited man in a long sealskin +coat--worn not for the luxury of it at all but from the sheer +chilliness of the autumn evening. And it was, as of course you know, +Pupkin's father. He had seen the news of his son's death in the +evening paper in the city. They drove the car through, so the +chauffeur said, in two hours and a quarter, and behind them there was +to follow a special trainload of detectives and emergency men, but +Pupkin senior had cancelled all that by telegram half way up when he +heard that Peter was still living. + +For a moment as his eye rested on young Pupkin you would almost have +imagined, had you not known that he came from the Maritime Provinces, +that there were tears in them and that he was about to hug his son to +his heart. But if he didn't hug Peter to his heart, he certainly did +within a few moments clasp Zena to it, in that fine fatherly way in +which they clasp pretty girls in the Maritime Provinces. The +strangest thing is that Pupkin senior seemed to understand the whole +situation without any explanations at all. + +Judge Pepperleigh, I think, would have shaken both of Pupkin senior's +arms off when he saw him; and when you heard them call one another +"Ned" and "Phillip" it made you feel that they were boys again +attending classes together at the old law school in the city. + +If Pupkin thought that his father wouldn't make a hit in Mariposa, it +only showed his ignorance. Pupkin senior sat there on the judge's +verandah smoking a corn cob pipe as if he had never heard of Havana +cigars in his life. In the three days that he spent in Mariposa that +autumn, he went in and out of Jeff Thorpe's barber shop and Eliot's +drug store, shot black ducks in the marsh and played poker every +evening at a hundred matches for a cent as if he had never lived any +other life in all his days. They had to send him telegrams enough to +fill a satchel to make him come away. + +So Pupkin and Zena in due course of time were married, and went to +live in one of the enchanted houses on the hillside in the newer part +of the town, where you may find them to this day. + +You may see Pupkin there at any time cutting enchanted grass on a +little lawn in as gaudy a blazer as ever. + +But if you step up to speak to him or walk with him into the +enchanted house, pray modulate your voice a little musical though it +is--for there is said to be an enchanted baby on the premises whose +sleep must not lightly be disturbed. + + + +TEN + +The Great Election in Missinaba County + +Don't ask me what election it was, whether Dominion or Provincial or +Imperial or Universal, for I scarcely know. + +It must, of course, have been going on in other parts of the country +as well, but I saw it all from Missinaba County which, with the town +of Mariposa, was, of course, the storm centre and focus point of the +whole turmoil. + +I only know that it was a huge election and that on it turned issues +of the most tremendous importance, such as whether or not Mariposa +should become part of the United States, and whether the flag that +had waved over the school house at Tecumseh Township for ten +centuries should be trampled under the hoof of an alien invader, and +whether Britons should be slaves, and whether Canadians should be +Britons, and whether the farming class would prove themselves +Canadians, and tremendous questions of that kind. + +And there was such a roar and a tumult to it, and such a waving of +flags and beating of drums and flaring of torchlights that such parts +of the election as may have been going on elsewhere than in Missinaba +county must have been quite unimportant and didn't really matter. + +Now that it is all over, we can look back at it without heat or +passion. We can see,--it's plain enough now,--that in the great +election Canada saved the British Empire, and that Missinaba saved +Canada and that the vote of the Third Concession of Tecumseh Township +saved Missinaba County, and that those of us who carried the third +concession,--well, there's no need to push it further. We prefer to +be modest about it. If we still speak of it, it is only quietly and +simply and not more than three or four times a day. + +But you can't understand the election at all, and the conventions and +the campaigns and the nominations and the balloting, unless you first +appreciate the peculiar complexion of politics in Mariposa. + +Let me begin at the beginning. Everybody in Mariposa is either a +Liberal or a Conservative or else is both. Some of the people are or +have been Liberals or Conservatives all their lives and are called +dyed-in-the-wool Grits or old-time Tories and things of that sort. +These people get from long training such a swift penetrating insight +into national issues that they can decide the most complicated +question in four seconds: in fact, just as soon as they grab the city +papers out of the morning mail, they know the whole solution of any +problem you can put to them. There are other people whose aim it is +to be broad-minded and judicious and who vote Liberal or Conservative +according to their judgment of the questions of the day. If their +judgment of these questions tells them that there is something in it +for them in voting Liberal, then they do so. But if not, they refuse +to be the slaves of a party or the henchmen of any political leader. +So that anybody looking for henches has got to keep away from them. + +But the one thing that nobody is allowed to do in Mariposa is to have +no politics. Of course there are always some people whose +circumstances compel them to say that they have no politics. But that +is easily understood. Take the case of Trelawney, the postmaster. +Long ago he was a letter carrier under the old Mackenzie Government, +and later he was a letter sorter under the old Macdonald Government, +and after that a letter stamper under the old Tupper Government, and +so on. Trelawney always says that he has no politics, but the truth +is that he has too many. + +So, too, with the clergy in Mariposa. They have no politics-- +absolutely none. Yet Dean Drone round election time always announces +as his text such a verse as: "Lo! is there not one righteous man in +Israel?" or: "What ho! is it not time for a change?" And that is a +signal for all the Liberal business men to get up and leave their +pews. + +Similarly over at the Presbyterian Church, the minister says that his +sacred calling will not allow him to take part in politics and that +his sacred calling prevents him from breathing even a word of +harshness against his fellow man, but that when it comes to the +elevation of the ungodly into high places in the commonwealth (this +means, of course, the nomination of the Conservative candidate) then +he's not going to allow his sacred calling to prevent him from saying +just what he thinks of it. And by that time, having pretty well +cleared the church of Conservatives, he proceeds to show from the +scriptures that the ancient Hebrews were Liberals to a man, except +those who were drowned in the flood or who perished, more or less +deservedly, in the desert. + +There are, I say, some people who are allowed to claim to have no +politics,--the office holders, and the clergy and the school teachers +and the hotel keepers. But beyond them, anybody in Mariposa who says +that he has no politics is looked upon as crooked, and people wonder +what it is that he is "out after." + +In fact, the whole town and county is a hive of politics, and people +who have only witnessed gatherings such as the House of Commons at +Westminster and the Senate at Washington and never seen a +Conservative Convention at Tecumseh Corners or a Liberal Rally at the +Concession school house, don't know what politics means. + +So you may imagine the excitement in Mariposa when it became known +that King George had dissolved the parliament of Canada and had sent +out a writ or command for Missinaba County to elect for him some +other person than John Henry Bagshaw because he no longer had +confidence in him. + +The king, of course, is very well known, very favourably known, in +Mariposa. Everybody remembers how he visited the town on his great +tour in Canada, and stopped off at the Mariposa station. Although he +was only a prince at the time, there was quite a big crowd down at +the depot and everybody felt what a shame it was that the prince had +no time to see more of Mariposa, because he would get such a false +idea of it, seeing only the station and the lumber yards. Still, they +all came to the station and all the Liberals and Conservatives mixed +together perfectly freely and stood side by side without any +distinction, so that the prince should not observe any party +differences among them. And he didn't,--you could see that he didn't. +They read him an address all about the tranquillity and loyalty of +the Empire, and they purposely left out any reference to the trouble +over the town wharf or the big row there had been about the location +of the new post-office. There was a general decent feeling that it +wouldn't be fair to disturb the prince with these things: later on, +as king, he would, of course, _have_ to know all about them, but +meanwhile it was better to leave him with the idea that his empire +was tranquil. + +So they deliberately couched the address in terms that were just as +reassuring as possible and the prince was simply delighted with it. I +am certain that he slept pretty soundly after hearing that address. +Why, you could see it taking effect even on his aides-de-camp and the +people round him, so imagine how the prince must have felt! + +I think in Mariposa they understand kings perfectly. Every time that +a king or a prince comes, they try to make him see the bright side of +everything and let him think that they're all united. Judge +Pepperleigh walked up and down arm in arm with Dr. Gallagher, the +worst Grit in the town, just to make the prince feel fine. + +So when they got the news that the king had lost confidence in John +Henry Bagshaw, the sitting member, they never questioned it a bit. +Lost confidence? All right, they'd elect him another right away. +They'd elect him half a dozen if he needed them. They don't mind; +they'd elect the whole town man after man rather than have the king +worried about it. + +In any case, all the Conservatives had been wondering for years +how the king and the governor-general and men like that had tolerated +such a man as Bagshaw so long. + +Missinaba County, I say, is a regular hive of politics, and not the +miserable, crooked, money-ridden politics of the cities, but the +straight, real old-fashioned thing that is an honour to the country +side. Any man who would offer to take a bribe or sell his convictions +for money, would be an object of scorn. I don't say they wouldn't +take money,--they would, of course, why not?--but if they did they +would take it in a straight fearless way and say nothing about it. +They might,--it's only human,--accept a job or a contract from the +government, but if they did, rest assured it would be in a broad +national spirit and not for the sake of the work itself. No, sir. +Not for a minute. + +Any man who wants to get the votes of the Missinaba farmers and the +Mariposa business men has got to persuade them that he's the right +man. If he can do that,--if he can persuade any one of them that he +is the right man and that all the rest know it, then they'll vote for +him. + +The division, I repeat, between the Liberals and the Conservatives, +is intense. Yet you might live for a long while in the town, between +elections, and never know it. It is only when you get to understand +the people that you begin to see that there is a cross division +running through them that nothing can ever remove. You gradually +become aware of fine subtle distinctions that miss your observation +at first. Outwardly, they are all friendly enough. For instance, Joe +Milligan the dentist is a Conservative, and has been for six years, +and yet he shares the same boat-house with young Dr. Gallagher, who +is a Liberal, and they even bought a motor boat between them. Pete +Glover and Alf McNichol were in partnership in the hardware and paint +store, though they belonged on different sides. + +But just as soon as elections drew near, the differences in politics +became perfectly apparent. Liberals and Conservatives drew away from +one another. Joe Milligan used the motor boat one Saturday and Dr. +Gallagher the next, and Pete Glover sold hardware on one side of the +store and Alf McNichol sold paint on the other. You soon realized +too that one of the newspapers was Conservative and the other was +Liberal, and that there was a Liberal drug store and a Conservative +drug store, and so on. Similarly round election time, the Mariposa +House was the Liberal Hotel, and the Continental Conservative, though +Mr. Smith's place, where they always put on a couple of extra bar +tenders, was what you might call Independent-Liberal-Conservative, +with a dash of Imperialism thrown in. Mr. Gingham, the undertaker, +was, as a natural effect of his calling, an advanced Liberal, but at +election time he always engaged a special assistant for embalming +Conservative customers. + +So now, I think, you understand something of the general political +surroundings of the great election in Missinaba County. + +John Henry Bagshaw was the sitting member, the Liberal member, for +Missinaba County. + +The Liberals called him the old war horse, and the old battle-axe, +and the old charger and the old champion and all sorts of things of +that kind. The Conservatives called him the old jackass and the old +army mule and the old booze fighter and the old grafter and the old +scoundrel. + +John Henry Bagshaw was, I suppose, one of the greatest political +forces in the world. He had flowing white hair crowned with a fedora +hat, and a smooth statesmanlike face which it cost the country +twenty-five cents a day to shave. + +Altogether the Dominion of Canada had spent over two thousand dollars +in shaving that face during the twenty years that Bagshaw had +represented Missinaba County. But the result had been well worth it. + +Bagshaw wore a long political overcoat that it cost the country +twenty cents a day to brush, and boots that cost the Dominion fifteen +cents every morning to shine. + +But it was money well spent. + +Bagshaw of Mariposa was one of the most representative men of the +age, and it's no wonder that he had been returned for the county for +five elections running, leaving the Conservatives nowhere. Just think +how representative he was. He owned two hundred acres out on the +Third Concession and kept two men working on it all the time to +prove that he was a practical farmer. They sent in fat hogs to the +Missinaba County Agricultural Exposition and the World's Fair every +autumn, and Bagshaw himself stood beside the pig pens with the +judges, and wore a pair of corduroy breeches and chewed a straw all +afternoon. After that if any farmer thought that he was not properly +represented in Parliament, it showed that he was an ass. + +Bagshaw owned a half share in the harness business and a quarter +share in the tannery and that made him a business man. He paid for a +pew in the Presbyterian Church and that represented religion in +Parliament. He attended college for two sessions thirty years ago, +and that represented education and kept him abreast with modern +science, if not ahead of it. He kept a little account in one bank and +a big account in the other, so that he was a rich man or a poor man +at the same time. + +Add to that that John Henry Bagshaw was perhaps the finest orator in +Mariposa. That, of course, is saying a great deal. There are speakers +there, lots of them that can talk two or three hours at a stretch, +but the old war horse could beat them all. They say that when John +Henry Bagshaw got well started, say after a couple of hours of talk, +he could speak as Pericles or Demosthenes or Cicero never could have +spoken. + +You could tell Bagshaw a hundred yards off as a member of the House +of Commons. He wore a pepper-and-salt suit to show that he came from +a rural constituency, and he wore a broad gold watch-chain with +dangling seals to show that he also represents a town. You could see +from his quiet low collar and white tie that his electorate were a +Godfearing, religious people, while the horseshoe pin that he wore +showed that his electorate were not without sporting instincts and +knew a horse from a jackass. + +Most of the time, John Henry Bagshaw had to be at Ottawa (though he +preferred the quiet of his farm and always left it, as he said, with +a sigh). If he was not in Ottawa, he was in Washington, and of course +at any time they might need him in London, so that it was no wonder +that he could only be in Mariposa about two months of the year. + +That is why everybody knew, when Bagshaw got off the afternoon train +one day early in the spring, that there must be something very +important coming and that the rumours about a new election must be +perfectly true. + +Everything that he did showed this. He gave the baggage man +twenty-five cents to take the check off his trunk, the 'bus driver +fifty cents to drive him up to the Main Street, and he went into +Callahan's tobacco store and bought two ten-cent cigars and took them +across the street and gave them to Mallory Tompkins of the +Times-Herald as a present from the Prime Minister. + +All that afternoon, Bagshaw went up and down the Main Street of +Mariposa, and you could see, if you knew the signs of it, that there +was politics in the air. He bought nails and putty and glass in the +hardware store, and harness in the harness shop, and drugs in the +drug store and toys in the toy shop, and all the things like that +that are needed for a big campaign. + +Then when he had done all this he went over with McGinnis the Liberal +organizer and Mallory Tompkins, the Times-Herald man, and Gingham +(the great Independent-Liberal undertaker) to the back parlour in the +Mariposa House. + +You could tell from the way John Henry Bagshaw closed the door before +he sat down that he was in a pretty serious frame of mind. + +"Gentlemen," he said, "the election is a certainty. We're going to +have a big fight on our hands and we've got to get ready for it." + +"Is it going to be on the tariff?" asked Tompkins. + +"Yes, gentlemen, I'm afraid it is. The whole thing is going to turn +on the tariff question. I wish it were otherwise. I think it madness, +but they're bent on it, and we got to fight it on that line. Why they +can't fight it merely on the question of graft," continued the old +war horse, rising from his seat and walking up and down, "Heaven only +knows. I warned them. I appealed to them. I said, fight the thing +on graft and we can win easy. Take this constituency,--why not have +fought the thing out on whether I spent too much money on the town +wharf or the post-office? What better issues could a man want? Let +them claim that I am crooked and let me claim that I'm not. Surely +that was good enough without dragging in the tariff. But now, +gentlemen, tell me about things in the constituency. Is there any +talk yet of who is to run?" + +Mallory Tompkins lighted up the second of his Prime Minister's cigars +and then answered for the group: + +"Everybody says that Edward Drone is going to run." + +"Ah!" said the old war horse, and there was joy upon his face, "is he? +At last! That's good, that's good--now what platform will he run on?" + +"Independent." + +"Excellent," said Mr. Bagshaw. "Independent, that's fine. On a +programme of what?" + +"Just simple honesty and public morality." + +"Come now," said the member, "that's splendid: that will help +enormously. Honesty and public morality! The very thing! If Drone +runs and makes a good showing, we win for a certainty. Tompkins, you +must lose no time over this. Can't you manage to get some articles in +the other papers hinting that at the last election we bribed all the +voters in the county, and that we gave out enough contracts to simply +pervert the whole constituency. Imply that we poured the public money +into this county in bucketsful and that we are bound to do it again. +Let Drone have plenty of material of this sort and he'll draw off +every honest unbiassed vote in the Conservative party. + +"My only fear is," continued the old war horse, losing some of his +animation, "that Drone won't run after all. He's said it so often +before and never has. He hasn't got the money. But we must see to +that. Gingham, you know his brother well; you must work it so that we +pay Drone's deposit and his campaign expenses. But how like Drone it +is to come out at this time!" + +It was indeed very like Edward Drone to attempt so misguided a thing +as to come out an Independent candidate in Missinaba County on a +platform of public honesty. It was just the sort of thing that anyone +in Mariposa would expect from him. + +Edward Drone was the Rural Dean's younger brother,--young Mr. Drone, +they used to call him, years ago, to distinguish him from the rector. +He was a somewhat weaker copy of his elder brother, with a simple, +inefficient face and kind blue eyes. Edward Drone was, and always had +been, a failure. In training he had been, once upon a time, an +engineer and built dams that broke and bridges that fell down and +wharves that floated away in the spring floods. He had been a +manufacturer and failed, had been a contractor and failed, and now +lived a meagre life as a sort of surveyor or land expert on goodness +knows what. + +In his political ideas Edward Drone was and, as everybody in Mariposa +knew, always had been crazy. He used to come up to the autumn +exercises at the high school and make speeches about the ancient +Romans and Titus Manlius and Quintus Curtius at the same time when +John Henry Bagshaw used to make a speech about the Maple Leaf and ask +for an extra half holiday. Drone used to tell the boys about the +lessons to be learned from the lives of the truly great, and Bagshaw +used to talk to them about the lessons learned from the lives of the +extremely rich. Drone used to say that his heart filled whenever he +thought of the splendid patriotism of the ancient Romans, and Bagshaw +said that whenever he looked out over this wide Dominion his heart +overflowed. + +Even the youngest boy in the school could tell that Drone was +foolish. Not even the school teachers would have voted for him. + +"What about the Conservatives?" asked Bagshaw presently; "is there +any talk yet as to who they'll bring out?" Gingham and Mallory +Tompkins looked at one another. They were almost afraid to speak. + +"Hadn't you heard?" said Gingham; "they've got their man already." + +"Who is it?" said Bagshaw quickly. "They're going to put up Josh +Smith." + +"Great Heaven!" said Bagshaw, jumping to his feet; "Smith! the hotel +keeper." + +"Yes, sir," said Mr. Gingham, "that's the man." + +Do you remember, in history, how Napoleon turned pale when he heard +that the Duke of Wellington was to lead the allies in Belgium? Do you +remember how when Themistocles heard that Aristogiton was to lead the +Spartans, he jumped into the sea? Possibly you don't, but it may help +you to form some idea of what John Henry Bagshaw felt when he heard +that the Conservatives had selected Josh Smith, proprietor of Smith's +Hotel. + +You remember Smith. You've seen him there on the steps of his +hotel,--two hundred and eighty pounds in his stockinged feet. You've +seen him selling liquor after hours through sheer public spirit, and +you recall how he saved the lives of hundreds of people on the day +when the steamer sank, and how he saved the town from being destroyed +the night when the Church of England Church burnt down. You know that +hotel of his, too, half way down the street, Smith's Northern Health +Resort, though already they were beginning to call it Smith's British +Arms. + +So you can imagine that Bagshaw came as near to turning pale as a man +in federal politics can. + +"I never knew Smith was a Conservative," he said faintly; "he always +subscribed to our fund." + +"He is now," said Mr. Gingham ominously; "he says the idea of this +reciprocity business cuts him to the heart." + +"The infernal liar!" said Mr. Bagshaw. + +There was silence for a few moments. Then Bagshaw spoke again. + +"Will Smith have anything else in his platform besides the trade +question?" + +"Yes," said Mr. Gingham gloomily, "he will." + +"What is it?" + +"Temperance and total prohibition!" + +John Henry Bagshaw sank back in his chair as if struck with a club. +There let me leave him for a chapter. + + + +ELEVEN + +The Candidacy of Mr. Smith + +"Boys," said Mr. Smith to the two hostlers, stepping out on to the +sidewalk in front of the hotel,--"hoist that there British Jack over +the place and hoist her up good." + +Then he stood and watched the flag fluttering in the wind. + +"Billy," he said to the desk clerk, "get a couple more and put them +up on the roof of the caff behind the hotel. Wire down to the city +and get a quotation on a hundred of them. Take them signs 'American +Drinks' out of the bar. Put up noo ones with 'British Beer at all +Hours'; clear out the rye whiskey and order in Scotch and Irish, and +then go up to the printing office and get me them placards." + +Then another thought struck Mr. Smith. + +"Say, Billy," he said, "wire to the city for fifty pictures of King +George. Get 'em good, and get 'em coloured. It don't matter what they +cost." + +"All right, sir," said Billy. + +"And Billy," called Mr. Smith, as still another thought struck him +(indeed, the moment Mr. Smith went into politics you could see these +thoughts strike him like waves), "get fifty pictures of his father, +old King Albert." + +"All right, sir." + +"And say, I tell you, while you're at it, get some of the old queen, +Victorina, if you can. Get 'em in mourning, with a harp and one of +them lions and a three-pointed prong." + +It was on the morning after the Conservative Convention. Josh Smith +had been chosen the candidate. And now the whole town was covered +with flags and placards and there were bands in the streets every +evening, and noise and music and excitement that went on from morning +till night. + +Election times are exciting enough even in the city. But there the +excitement dies down in business hours. In Mariposa there aren't any +business hours and the excitement goes on _all_ the time. + +Mr. Smith had carried the Convention before him. There had been a +feeble attempt to put up Nivens. But everybody knew that he was a +lawyer and a college man and wouldn't have a chance by a man with a +broader outlook like Josh Smith. + +So the result was that Smith was the candidate and there were +placards out all over the town with SMITH AND BRITISH ALLEGIANCE in +big letters, and people were wearing badges with Mr. Smith's face on +one side and King George's on the other, and the fruit store next to +the hotel had been cleaned out and turned into committee rooms with a +gang of workers smoking cigars in it all day and half the night. + +There were other placards, too, with BAGSHAW AND LIBERTY, BAGSHAW AND +PROSPERITY, VOTE FOR THE OLD MISSINABA STANDARD BEARER, and up town +beside the Mariposa House there were the Bagshaw committee rooms with +a huge white streamer across the street, and with a gang of Bagshaw +workers smoking their heads off. + +But Mr. Smith had an estimate made which showed that nearly two +cigars to one were smoked in his committee rooms as compared with +the Liberals. It was the first time in five elections that the +Conservative had been able to make such a showing as that. + +One might mention, too, that there were Drone placards out,--five or +six of them,--little things about the size of a pocket handkerchief, +with a statement that "Mr. Edward Drone solicits the votes of the +electors of Missinaba County." But you would never notice them. And +when Drone tried to put up a streamer across the Main Street with +DRONE AND HONESTY the wind carried it away into the lake. + +The fight was really between Smith and Bagshaw, and everybody knew it +from the start. + +I wish that I were able to narrate all the phases and the turns of +the great contest from the opening of the campaign till the final +polling day. But it would take volumes. + +First of all, of course, the trade question was hotly discussed in +the two newspapers of Mariposa, and the Newspacket and the +Times-Herald literally bristled with statistics. Then came interviews +with the candidates and the expression of their convictions in regard +to tariff questions. + +"Mr. Smith," said the reporter of the Mariposa Newspacket, "we'd like +to get your views of the effect of the proposed reduction of the +differential duties." + +"By gosh, Pete," said Mr. Smith, "you can search me. Have a cigar." + +"What do you think, Mr. Smith, would be the result of lowering the +_ad valorem_ British preference and admitting American goods at a +reciprocal rate?" + +"It's a corker, ain't it?" answered Mr. Smith. "What'll you take, +lager or domestic?" + +And in that short dialogue Mr. Smith showed that he had +instantaneously grasped the whole method of dealing with the press. +The interview in the paper next day said that Mr. Smith, while +unwilling to state positively that the principle of tariff +discrimination was at variance with sound fiscal science, was firmly +of opinion that any reciprocal interchange of tariff preferences with +the United States must inevitably lead to a serious per capita +reduction of the national industry. + + +"Mr. Smith," said the chairman of a delegation of the manufacturers +of Mariposa, "what do you propose to do in regard to the tariff if +you're elected?" + +"Boys," answered Mr. Smith, "I'll put her up so darned high they +won't never get her down again." + + +"Mr. Smith," said the chairman of another delegation, "I'm an old +free trader--" + +"Put it there," said Mr. Smith, "so'm I. There ain't nothing like +it." + + +"What do you think about imperial defence?" asked another questioner. + +"Which?" said Mr. Smith. + +"Imperial defence." + +"Of what?" + +"Of everything." + +"Who says it?" said Mr. Smith. + +"Everybody is talking of it." + +"What do the Conservative boys at Ottaway think about it?" answered +Mr. Smith. + +"They're all for it." + +"Well, I'm fer it too," said Mr. Smith. + + +These little conversations represented only the first stage, the +argumentative stage of the great contest. It was during this period, +for example, that the Mariposa Newspacket absolutely proved that the +price of hogs in Mariposa was decimal six higher than the price of +oranges in Southern California and that the average decennial import +of eggs into Missinaba County had increased four decimal six eight +two in the last fifteen years more than the import of lemons in New +Orleans. + +Figures of this kind made the people think. Most certainly. + +After all this came the organizing stage and after that the big +public meetings and the rallies. Perhaps you have never seen a county +being "organized." It is a wonderful sight. + +First of all the Bagshaw men drove through crosswise in top buggies +and then drove through it again lengthwise. Whenever they met a +farmer they went in and ate a meal with him, and after the meal they +took him out to the buggy and gave him a drink. After that the man's +vote was absolutely solid until it was tampered with by feeding a +Conservative. + +In fact, the only way to show a farmer that you are in earnest is to +go in and eat a meal with him. If you won't eat it, he won't vote for +you. That is the recognized political test. + +But, of course, just as soon as the Bagshaw men had begun to get the +farming vote solidified, the Smith buggies came driving through in +the other direction, eating meals and distributing cigars and turning +all the farmers back into Conservatives. + +Here and there you might see Edward Drone, the Independent candidate, +wandering round from farm to farm in the dust of the political +buggies. To each of the farmers he explained that he pledged himself +to give no bribes, to spend no money and to offer no jobs, and each +one of them gripped him warmly by the hand and showed him the way to +the next farm. + +After the organization of the county there came the period of the +public meetings and the rallies and the joint debates between the +candidates and their supporters. + +I suppose there was no place in the whole Dominion where the trade +question--the Reciprocity question--was threshed out quite so +thoroughly and in quite such a national patriotic spirit as in +Mariposa. For a month, at least, people talked of nothing else. A man +would stop another in the street and tell him that he had read last +night that the average price of an egg in New York was decimal ought +one more than the price of an egg in Mariposa, and the other man +would stop the first one later in the day and tell him that the +average price of a hog in Idaho was point six of a cent per pound +less (or more,--he couldn't remember which for the moment) than the +average price of beef in Mariposa. + +People lived on figures of this sort, and the man who could +remember most of them stood out as a born leader. + +But of course it was at the public meetings that these things were +most fully discussed. It would take volumes to do full justice to all +the meetings that they held in Missinaba County. But here and there +single speeches stood out as masterpieces of convincing oratory. +Take, for example, the speech of John Henry Bagshaw at the Tecumseh +Corners School House. The Mariposa Times-Herald said next day that +that speech would go down in history, and so it will,--ever so far +down. + +Anyone who has heard Bagshaw knows what an impressive speaker he is, +and on this night when he spoke with the quiet dignity of a man old +in years and anxious only to serve his country, he almost surpassed +himself. Near the end of his speech somebody dropped a pin, and the +noise it made in falling fairly rattled the windows. + +"I am an old man now, gentlemen," Bagshaw said, "and the time must +soon come when I must not only leave politics, but must take my way +towards that goal from which no traveller returns." + +There was a deep hush when Bagshaw said this. It was understood to +imply that he thought of going to the United States. + +"Yes, gentlemen, I am an old man, and I wish, when my time comes to +go, to depart leaving as little animosity behind me as possible. But +before I _do_ go, I want it pretty clearly understood that there are +more darn scoundrels in the Conservative party than ought to be +tolerated in any decent community. I bear," he continued, "malice +towards none and I wish to speak with gentleness to all, but what I +will say is that how any set of rational responsible men could +nominate such a skunk as the Conservative candidate passes the bounds +of my comprehension. Gentlemen, in the present campaign there is no +room for vindictive abuse. Let us rise to a higher level than that. +They tell me that my opponent, Smith, is a common saloon keeper. +Let it pass. They tell me that he has stood convicted of horse +stealing, that he is a notable perjurer, that he is known as the +blackest-hearted liar in Missinaba County. Let us not speak of it. +Let no whisper of it pass our lips. + +"No, gentlemen," continued Bagshaw, pausing to take a drink of water, +"let us rather consider this question on the high plane of national +welfare. Let us not think of our own particular interests but let us +consider the good of the country at large. And to do this, let me +present to you some facts in regard to the price of barley in +Tecumseh Township." + +Then, amid a deep stillness, Bagshaw read off the list of prices of +sixteen kinds of grain in sixteen different places during sixteen +years. + +"But let me turn," Bagshaw went on to another phase of the national +subject, "and view for a moment the price of marsh hay in Missinaba +County--" + +When Bagshaw sat down that night it was felt that a Liberal vote in +Tecumseh Township was a foregone conclusion. + +But here they hadn't reckoned on the political genius of Mr. Smith. +When he heard next day of the meeting, he summoned some of his +leading speakers to him and he said: + +"Boys, they're beating us on them statissicks. Ourn ain't good +enough." + +Then he turned to Nivens and he said: + +"What was them figures you had here the other night?" + +Nivens took out a paper and began reading. + +"Stop," said Mr. Smith, "what was that figure for bacon?" + +"Fourteen million dollars," said Nivens. + +"Not enough," said Mr. Smith, "make it twenty. They'll stand for it, +them farmers." + +Nivens changed it. + +"And what was that for hay?" + +"Two dollars a ton." + +"Shove it up to four," said Mr. Smith: "And I tell you," he added, +"if any of them farmers says the figures ain't correct, tell them to +go to Washington and see for themselves; say that if any man wants +the proof of your figures let him go over to England and ask,--tell +him to go straight to London and see it all for himself in the +books." + + +After this, there was no more trouble over statistics. I must say +though that it is a wonderfully convincing thing to hear trade +figures of this kind properly handled. Perhaps the best man on this +sort of thing in the campaign was Mullins, the banker. A man of his +profession simply has to have figures of trade and population and +money at his fingers' ends and the effect of it in public speaking is +wonderful. + +No doubt you have listened to speakers of this kind, but I question +whether you have ever heard anything more typical of the sort of +effect that I allude to than Mullins's speech at the big rally at the +Fourth Concession. + +Mullins himself, of course, knows the figures so well that he never +bothers to write them into notes and the effect is very striking. + +"Now, gentlemen," he said very earnestly, "how many of you know just +to what extent the exports of this country have increased in the last +ten years? How many could tell what per cent. of increase there has +been in one decade of our national importation?"--then Mullins paused +and looked round. Not a man knew it. + +"I don't recall," he said, "exactly the precise amount myself,--not +at this moment,--but it must be simply tremendous. Or take the +question of population," Mullins went on, warming up again as a born +statistician always does at the proximity of figures, "how many of +you know, how many of you can state, what has been the decennial +percentage increase in our leading cities--?" + +There he paused, and would you believe it, not a man could state it. + +"I don't recall the exact figures," said Mullins, "but I have them at +home and they are positively colossal." + +But just in one phase of the public speaking, the candidacy of Mr. +Smith received a serious set-back. + +It had been arranged that Mr. Smith should run on a platform of +total prohibition. But they soon found that it was a mistake. They +had imported a special speaker from the city, a grave man with a +white tie, who put his whole heart into the work and would take +nothing for it except his expenses and a sum of money for each +speech. But beyond the money, I say, he would take nothing. + +He spoke one night at the Tecumseh Corners social hall at the same +time when the Liberal meeting was going on at the Tecumseh Corners +school house. + +"Gentlemen," he said, as he paused half way in his speech,--"while +we are gathered here in earnest discussion, do you know what is +happening over at the meeting place of our opponents? Do you know +that seventeen bottles of rye whiskey were sent out from the town +this afternoon to that innocent and unsuspecting school house? +Seventeen bottles of whiskey hidden in between the blackboard and the +wall, and every single man that attends that meeting,--mark my +words, every single man,--will drink his fill of the abominable stuff +at the expense of the Liberal candidate!" + +Just as soon as the speaker said this, you could see the Smith men at +the meeting look at one another in injured surprise, and before the +speech was half over the hall was practically emptied. + +After that the total prohibition plank was changed and the committee +substituted a declaration in favour of such a form of restrictive +license as should promote temperance while encouraging the +manufacture of spirituous liquors, and by a severe regulation of the +liquor traffic should place intoxicants only in the hands of those +fitted to use them. + + +Finally there came the great day itself, the Election Day that +brought, as everybody knows, the crowning triumph of Mr. Smith's +career. There is no need to speak of it at any length, because it has +become a matter of history. + +In any case, everybody who has ever seen Mariposa knows just what +election day is like. The shops, of course, are, as a matter of +custom, all closed, and the bar rooms are all closed by law so that +you have to go in by the back way. All the people are in their best +clothes and at first they walk up and down the street in a solemn +way just as they do on the twelfth of July and on St. Patrick's Day, +before the fun begins. Everybody keeps looking in at the different +polling places to see if anybody else has voted yet, because, of +course, nobody cares to vote first for fear of being fooled after all +and voting on the wrong side. + +Most of all did the supporters of Mr. Smith, acting under his +instructions, hang back from the poll in the early hours. To Mr. +Smith's mind, voting was to be conducted on the same plan as +bear-shooting. + +"Hold back your votes, boys," he said, "and don't be too eager. Wait +till she begins to warm up and then let 'em have it good and hard." + +In each of the polling places in Mariposa there is a returning +officer and with him are two scrutineers, and the electors, I say, +peep in and out like mice looking into a trap. But if once the +scrutineers get a man well into the polling booth, they push him in +behind a little curtain and make him vote. The voting, of course, is +by secret ballot, so that no one except the scrutineers and the +returning officer and the two or three people who may be round the +poll can possibly tell how a man has voted. + +That's how it comes about that the first results are often so +contradictory and conflicting. Sometimes the poll is badly arranged +and the scrutineers are unable to see properly just how the ballots +are being marked and they count up the Liberals and Conservatives in +different ways. Often, too, a voter makes his mark so hurriedly and +carelessly that they have to pick it out of the ballot box and look +at it to see what it is. + +I suppose that may have been why it was that in Mariposa the results +came out at first in such a conflicting way. Perhaps that was how it +was that the first reports showed that Edward Drone the Independent +candidate was certain to win. You should have seen how the excitement +grew upon the streets when the news was circulated. In the big +rallies and meetings of the Liberals and Conservatives, everybody had +pretty well forgotten all about Drone, and when the news got round +at about four o'clock that the Drone vote was carrying the poll, the +people were simply astounded. Not that they were not pleased. On +the contrary. They were delighted. Everybody came up to Drone and +shook hands and congratulated him and told him that they had known +all along that what the country wanted was a straight, honest, +non-partisan representation. The Conservatives said openly that they +were sick of party, utterly done with it, and the Liberals said that +they hated it. Already three or four of them had taken Drone aside +and explained that what was needed in the town was a straight, clean, +non-partisan post-office, built on a piece of ground of a strictly +non-partisan character, and constructed under contracts that were +not tainted and smirched with party affiliation. Two or three men +were willing to show to Drone just where a piece of ground of this +character could be bought. They told him too that in the matter of +the postmastership itself they had nothing against Trelawney, the +present postmaster, in any personal sense, and would say nothing +against him except merely that he was utterly and hopelessly unfit +for his job and that if Drone believed, as he had said he did, in a +purified civil service, he ought to begin by purifying Trelawney. + +Already Edward Drone was beginning to feel something of what it meant +to hold office and there was creeping into his manner the quiet +self-importance which is the first sign of conscious power. + +In fact, in that brief half-hour of office, Drone had a chance to see +something of what it meant. Henry McGinnis came to him and asked +straight out for a job as federal census-taker on the ground that he +was hard up and had been crippled with rheumatism all winter. Nelson +Williamson asked for the post of wharf master on the plea that he had +been laid up with sciatica all winter and was absolutely fit for +nothing. Erasmus Archer asked him if he could get his boy Pete into +one of the departments at Ottawa, and made a strong case of it by +explaining that he had tried his cussedest to get Pete a job anywhere +else and it was simply impossible. Not that Pete wasn't a willing +boy, but he was slow,--even his father admitted it,--slow as the +devil, blast him, and with no head for figures and unfortunately he'd +never had the schooling to bring him on. But if Drone could get him +in at Ottawa, his father truly believed it would be the very place +for him. Surely in the Indian Department or in the Astronomical +Branch or in the New Canadian Navy there must be any amount of +opening for a boy like this? And to all of these requests Drone found +himself explaining that he would take the matter under his very +earnest consideration and that they must remember that he had to +consult his colleagues and not merely follow the dictates of his own +wishes. In fact, if he had ever in his life had any envy of Cabinet +Ministers, he lost it in this hour. + +But Drone's hour was short. Even before the poll had closed in +Mariposa, the news came sweeping in, true or false, that Bagshaw was +carrying the county. The second concession had gone for Bagshaw in a +regular landslide, six votes to only two for Smith,--and all down the +township line road (where the hay farms are) Bagshaw was said to be +carrying all before him. + +Just as soon as that news went round the town, they launched the +Mariposa band of the Knights of Pythias (every man in it is a +Liberal) down the Main Street with big red banners in front of it +with the motto BAGSHAW FOREVER in letters a foot high. Such rejoicing +and enthusiasm began to set in as you never saw. Everybody crowded +round Bagshaw on the steps of the Mariposa House and shook his +hand and said they were proud to see the day and that the Liberal +party was the glory of the Dominion and that as for this idea of +non-partisan politics the very thought of it made them sick. Right +away in the committee rooms they began to organize the demonstration +for the evening with lantern slides and speeches and they arranged +for a huge bouquet to be presented to Bagshaw on the platform by four +little girls (all Liberals) all dressed in white. + +And it was just at this juncture, with one hour of voting left, that +Mr. Smith emerged from his committee rooms and turned his voters on +the town, much as the Duke of Wellington sent the whole line to the +charge at Waterloo. From every committee room and sub-committee room +they poured out in flocks with blue badges fluttering on their coats. + +"Get at it, boys," said Mr. Smith, "vote and keep on voting till they +make you quit." + +Then he turned to his campaign assistant. "Billy," he said, "wire +down to the city that I'm elected by an overwhelming majority and +tell them to wire it right back. Send word by telephone to all the +polling places in the county that the hull town has gone solid +Conservative and tell them to send the same news back here. Get +carpenters and tell them to run up a platform in front of the hotel; +tell them to take the bar door clean off its hinges and be all ready +the minute the poll quits." + +It was that last hour that did it. Just as soon as the big posters +went up in the windows of the Mariposa Newspacket with the +telegraphic despatch that Josh Smith was reported in the city to be +elected, and was followed by the messages from all over the county, +the voters hesitated no longer. They had waited, most of them, all +through the day, not wanting to make any error in their vote, but +when they saw the Smith men crowding into the polls and heard the +news from the outside, they went solid in one great stampede, and by +the time the poll was declared closed at five o'clock there was no +shadow of doubt that the county was saved and that Josh Smith was +elected for Missinaba. + + +I wish you could have witnessed the scene in Mariposa that evening. +It would have done your heart good,--such joy, such public rejoicing +as you never saw. It turned out that there wasn't really a Liberal in +the whole town and that there never had been. They were all +Conservatives and had been for years and years. Men who had voted, +with pain and sorrow in their hearts, for the Liberal party for +twenty years, came out that evening and owned up straight that they +were Conservatives. They said they could stand the strain no longer +and simply had to confess. Whatever the sacrifice might mean, they +were prepared to make it. + +Even Mr. Golgotha Gingham, the undertaker, came out and admitted that +in working for John Henry Bagshaw he'd been going straight against +his conscience. He said that right from the first he had had his +misgivings. He said it had haunted him. Often at night when he would +be working away quietly, one of these sudden misgivings would +overcome him so that he could hardly go on with his embalming. Why, +it appeared that on the very first day when reciprocity was proposed, +he had come home and said to Mrs. Gingham that he thought it simply +meant selling out the country. And the strange thing was that ever +so many others had just the same misgivings. Trelawney admitted that +he had said to Mrs. Trelawney that it was madness, and Jeff Thorpe, +the barber, had, he admitted, gone home to his dinner, the first day +reciprocity was talked of, and said to Mrs. Thorpe that it would +simply kill business in the country and introduce a cheap, shoddy, +American form of haircut that would render true loyalty impossible. +To think that Mrs. Gingham and Mrs. Trelawney and Mrs. Thorpe had +known all this for six months and kept quiet about it! Yet I think +there were a good many Mrs. Ginghams in the country. It is merely +another proof that no woman is fit for politics. + + +The demonstration that night in Mariposa will never be forgotten. The +excitement in the streets, the torchlights, the music of the band of +the Knights of Pythias (an organization which is conservative in all +but name), and above all the speeches and the patriotism. + +They had put up a big platform in front of the hotel, and on it were +Mr. Smith and his chief workers, and behind them was a perfect forest +of flags. They presented a huge bouquet of flowers to Mr. Smith, +handed to him by four little girls in white,--the same four that I +spoke of above, for it turned out that they were all Conservatives. + +Then there were the speeches. Judge Pepperleigh spoke and said that +there was no need to dwell on the victory that they had achieved, +because it was history; there was no occasion to speak of what part +he himself had played, within the limits of his official position, +because what he had done was henceforth a matter of history; and +Nivens, the lawyer, said that he would only say just a few words, +because anything that he might have done was now history; later +generations, he said, might read it but it was not for him to speak +of it, because it belonged now to the history of the country. And, +after them, others spoke in the same strain and all refused +absolutely to dwell on the subject (for more than half an hour) on +the ground that anything that they might have done was better left +for future generations to investigate. And no doubt this was very +true, as to some things, anyway. + +Mr. Smith, of course, said nothing. He didn't have to,--not for four +years,--and he knew it. + + + +TWELVE + +L'Envoi. The Train to Mariposa + +It leaves the city every day about five o'clock in the evening, the +train for Mariposa. + +Strange that you did not know of it, though you come from the little +town--or did, long years ago. + +Odd that you never knew, in all these years, that the train was there +every afternoon, puffing up steam in the city station, and that you +might have boarded it any day and gone home. No, not "home,"--of +course you couldn't call it "home" now; "home" means that big red +sandstone house of yours in the costlier part of the city. "Home" +means, in a way, this Mausoleum Club where you sometimes talk with me +of the times that you had as a boy in Mariposa. + +But of course "home" would hardly be the word you would apply to the +little town, unless perhaps, late at night, when you'd been sitting +reading in a quiet corner somewhere such a book as the present one. + +Naturally you don't know of the Mariposa train now. Years ago, when +you first came to the city as a boy with your way to make, you knew +of it well enough, only too well. The price of a ticket counted in +those days, and though you knew of the train you couldn't take it, +but sometimes from sheer homesickness you used to wander down to the +station on a Friday afternoon after your work, and watch the Mariposa +people getting on the train and wish that you could go. + +Why, you knew that train at one time better, I suppose, than any +other single thing in the city, and loved it too for the little town +in the sunshine that it ran to. + +Do you remember how when you first began to make money you used to +plan that just as soon as you were rich, really rich, you'd go back +home again to the little town and build a great big house with a fine +verandah,--no stint about it, the best that money could buy, planed +lumber, every square foot of it, and a fine picket fence in front of +it. + +It was to be one of the grandest and finest houses that thought could +conceive; much finer, in true reality, than that vast palace of +sandstone with the porte cochere and the sweeping conservatories that +you afterwards built in the costlier part of the city. + +But if you have half forgotten Mariposa, and long since lost the way +to it, you are only like the greater part of the men here in this +Mausoleum Club in the city. Would you believe it that practically +every one of them came from Mariposa once upon a time, and that there +isn't one of them that doesn't sometimes dream in the dull quiet of +the long evening here in the club, that some day he will go back and +see the place. + +They all do. Only they're half ashamed to own it. + +Ask your neighbour there at the next table whether the partridge that +they sometimes serve to you here can be compared for a moment to the +birds that he and you, or he and some one else, used to shoot as boys +in the spruce thickets along the lake. Ask him if he ever tasted duck +that could for a moment be compared to the black ducks in the rice +marsh along the Ossawippi. And as for fish, and fishing,--no, don't +ask him about that, for if he ever starts telling you of the chub +they used to catch below the mill dam and the green bass that used to +lie in the water-shadow of the rocks beside the Indian's Island, not +even the long dull evening in this club would be long enough for the +telling of it. + +But no wonder they don't know about the five o'clock train for +Mariposa. Very few people know about it. Hundreds of them know that +there is a train that goes out at five o'clock, but they mistake it. +Ever so many of them think it's just a suburban train. Lots of people +that take it every day think it's only the train to the golf grounds, +but the joke is that after it passes out of the city and the suburbs +and the golf grounds, it turns itself little by little into the +Mariposa train, thundering and pounding towards the north with +hemlock sparks pouring out into the darkness from the funnel of it. + +Of course you can't tell it just at first. All those people that are +crowding into it with golf clubs, and wearing knickerbockers and flat +caps, would deceive anybody. That crowd of suburban people going home +on commutation tickets and sometimes standing thick in the aisles, +those are, of course, not Mariposa people. But look round a little +bit and you'll find them easily enough. Here and there in the crowd +those people with the clothes that are perfectly all right and yet +look odd in some way, the women with the peculiar hats and the--what +do you say?--last year's fashions? Ah yes, of course, that must be +it. + +Anyway, those are the Mariposa people all right enough. That man +with the two-dollar panama and the glaring spectacles is one of the +greatest judges that ever adorned the bench of Missinaba County. That +clerical gentleman with the wide black hat, who is explaining to the +man with him the marvellous mechanism of the new air brake (one of +the most conspicuous illustrations of the divine structure of the +physical universe), surely you have seen him before. Mariposa people! +Oh yes, there are any number of them on the train every day. + +But of course you hardly recognize them while the train is still +passing through the suburbs and the golf district and the outlying +parts of the city area. But wait a little, and you will see that when +the city is well behind you, bit by bit the train changes its +character. The electric locomotive that took you through the city +tunnels is off now and the old wood engine is hitched on in its +place. I suppose, very probably, you haven't seen one of these wood +engines since you were a boy forty years ago,--the old engine with a +wide top like a hat on its funnel, and with sparks enough to light up +a suit for damages once in every mile. + +Do you see, too, that the trim little cars that came out of the city +on the electric suburban express are being discarded now at the way +stations, one by one, and in their place is the old familiar car with +the stuff cushions in red plush (how gorgeous it once seemed!) and +with a box stove set up in one end of it? The stove is burning +furiously at its sticks this autumn evening, for the air sets in +chill as you get clear away from the city and are rising up to the +higher ground of the country of the pines and the lakes. + +Look from the window as you go. The city is far behind now and right +and left of you there are trim farms with elms and maples near them +and with tall windmills beside the barns that you can still see in +the gathering dusk. There is a dull red light from the windows of +the farmstead. It must be comfortable there after the roar and +clatter of the city, and only think of the still quiet of it. + +As you sit back half dreaming in the car, you keep wondering why it +is that you never came up before in all these years. Ever so many +times you planned that just as soon as the rush and strain of +business eased up a little, you would take the train and go back to +the little town to see what it was like now, and if things had +changed much since your day. But each time when your holidays came, +somehow you changed your mind and went down to Naragansett or +Nagahuckett or Nagasomething, and left over the visit to Mariposa for +another time. + +It is almost night now. You can still see the trees and the fences +and the farmsteads, but they are fading fast in the twilight. They +have lengthened out the train by this time with a string of flat cars +and freight cars between where we are sitting and the engine. But at +every crossway we can hear the long muffled roar of the whistle, +dying to a melancholy wail that echoes into the woods; the woods, I +say, for the farms are thinning out and the track plunges here and +there into great stretches of bush,--tall tamerack and red scrub +willow and with a tangled undergrowth of bush that has defied for two +generations all attempts to clear it into the form of fields. + +Why, look, that great space that seems to open out in the half-dark +of the falling evening,--why, surely yes,--Lake Ossawippi, the big +lake, as they used to call it, from which the river runs down to the +smaller lake,--Lake Wissanotti,--where the town of Mariposa has lain +waiting for you there for thirty years. + +This is Lake Ossawippi surely enough. You would know it anywhere by +the broad, still, black water with hardly a ripple, and with the grip +of the coming frost already on it. Such a great sheet of blackness it +looks as the train thunders along the side, swinging the curve of the +embankment at a breakneck speed as it rounds the corner of the lake. + +How fast the train goes this autumn night! You have travelled, I know +you have; in the Empire State Express, and the New Limited and the +Maritime Express that holds the record of six hundred whirling miles +from Paris to Marseilles. But what are they to this, this mad career, +this breakneck speed, this thundering roar of the Mariposa local +driving hard to its home! Don't tell me that the speed is only +twenty-five miles an hour. I don't care what it is. I tell you, and +you can prove it for yourself if you will, that that train of mingled +flat cars and coaches that goes tearing into the night, its engine +whistle shrieking out its warning into the silent woods and echoing +over the dull still lake, is the fastest train in the whole world. + +Yes, and the best too,--the most comfortable, the most reliable, the +most luxurious and the speediest train that ever turned a wheel. + +And the most genial, the most sociable too. See how the passengers +all turn and talk to one another now as they get nearer and nearer to +the little town. That dull reserve that seemed to hold the passengers +in the electric suburban has clean vanished and gone. They are +talking,--listen,--of the harvest, and the late election, and of how +the local member is mentioned for the cabinet and all the old +familiar topics of the sort. Already the conductor has changed his +glazed hat for an ordinary round Christie and you can hear the +passengers calling him and the brakesman "Bill" and "Sam" as if they +were all one family. + +What is it now--nine thirty? Ah, then we must be nearing the +town,--this big bush that we are passing through, you remember it +surely as the great swamp just this side of the bridge over the +Ossawippi? There is the bridge itself, and the long roar of the train +as it rushes sounding over the trestle work that rises above the +marsh. Hear the clatter as we pass the semaphores and switch lights! +We must be close in now! + +What? it feels nervous and strange to be coming here again after all +these years? It must indeed. No, don't bother to look at the +reflection of your face in the window-pane shadowed by the night +outside. Nobody could tell you now after all these years. Your face +has changed in these long years of money-getting in the city. Perhaps +if you had come back now and again, just at odd times, it wouldn't +have been so. + +There,--you hear it?--the long whistle of the locomotive, one, two, +three! You feel the sharp slackening of the train as it swings round +the curve of the last embankment that brings it to the Mariposa +station. See, too, as we round the curve, the row of the flashing +lights, the bright windows of the depot. + +How vivid and plain it all is. Just as it used to be thirty years +ago. There is the string of the hotel 'buses, drawn up all ready for +the train, and as the train rounds in and stops hissing and panting +at the platform, you can hear above all other sounds the cry of the +brakesmen and the porters: + +"MARIPOSA! MARIPOSA!" + + +And as we listen, the cry grows fainter and fainter in our ears and +we are sitting here again in the leather chairs of the Mausoleum +Club, talking of the little Town in the Sunshine that once we knew. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town, by Stephen Leacock diff --git a/old/ssklt10.zip b/old/ssklt10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..847eee2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/ssklt10.zip |