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diff --git a/3532-h/3532-h.htm b/3532-h/3532-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..688d541 --- /dev/null +++ b/3532-h/3532-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5239 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + My Discovery of England, by Stephen Leacock + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { margin:10%; + text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; } + hr.full { width: 100%; } + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + img {border: 0;} + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%;} + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 1%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: left; + color: gray; + } /* page numbers */ + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 10%; margin-left: 1%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; + margin: 15%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 5%; margin-bottom: .75em; font-size: 80%;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 5%;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + PRE { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 20%;} + // +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of My Discovery of England, by Stephen Leacock + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: My Discovery of England + +Author: Stephen Leacock + +Commentator: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: February 12, 2009 [EBook #3532] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND *** + + + + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan, The Distributed Proofers Team, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + 1922 + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Stephen Leacock + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <p> + <a href="#link2H_INTR"> Introduction of Mr. Stephen Leacock Given by Sir + Owen Seaman </a><br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> <b>MY DISCOVERY OF + ENGLAND</b> </a> <br /> + </p> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> I. </a> + </td> + <td> + The Balance of Trade in Impressions + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> II. </a> + </td> + <td> + I Am Interviewed by the Press + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> III. </a> + </td> + <td> + Impressions of London + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> IV. </a> + </td> + <td> + A Clear View of the Government and Politics of England + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> V. </a> + </td> + <td> + Oxford as I See It + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> VI. </a> + </td> + <td> + The British and the American Press + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> VII. </a> + </td> + <td> + Business in England. Wanted—More Profiteers + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> VIII. </a> + </td> + <td> + Is Prohibition Coming to England? + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> IX. </a> + </td> + <td> + "We Have With Us To-night" + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> X. </a> + </td> + <td> + Have the English any Sense of Humour? + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + Introduction of Mr. Stephen Leacock Given by Sir Owen Seaman on the + Occasion of His First Lecture in London + </h2> + <p> + LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: It is usual on these occasions for the chairman to + begin something like this: "The lecturer, I am sure, needs no introduction + from me." And indeed, when I have been the lecturer and somebody else has + been the chairman, I have more than once suspected myself of being the + better man of the two. Of course I hope I should always have the good + manners—I am sure Mr. Leacock has—to disguise that suspicion. + However, one has to go through these formalities, and I will therefore + introduce the lecturer to you. + </p> + <p> + Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr. Stephen Leacock. Mr. Leacock, this is + the flower of London intelligence—or perhaps I should say one of the + flowers; the rest are coming to your other lectures. + </p> + <p> + In ordinary social life one stops at an introduction and does not proceed + to personal details. But behaviour on the platform, as on the stage, is + seldom ordinary. I will therefore tell you a thing or two about Mr. + Leacock. In the first place, by vocation he is a Professor of Political + Economy, and he practises humour—frenzied fiction instead of + frenzied finance—by way of recreation. There he differs a good deal + from me, who have to study the products of humour for my living, and by + way of recreation read Mr. Leacock on political economy. + </p> + <p> + Further, Mr. Leacock is all-British, being English by birth and Canadian + by residence, I mention this for two reasons: firstly, because England and + the Empire are very proud to claim him for their own, and, secondly, + because I do not wish his nationality to be confused with that of his + neighbours on the other side. For English and American humourists have not + always seen eye to eye. When we fail to appreciate their humour they say + we are too dull and effete to understand it: and when they do not + appreciate ours they say we haven't got any. + </p> + <p> + Now Mr. Leacock's humour is British by heredity; but he has caught + something of the spirit of American humour by force of association. This + puts him in a similar position to that in which I found myself once when I + took the liberty of swimming across a rather large loch in Scotland. After + climbing into the boat I was in the act of drying myself when I was + accosted by the proprietor of the hotel adjacent to the shore. "You have + no business to be bathing here," he shouted. "I'm not," I said; "I'm + bathing on the other side." In the same way, if anyone on either side of + the water is unintelligent enough to criticise Mr. Leacock's humour, he + can always say it comes from the other side. But the truth is that his + humour contains all that is best in the humour of both hemispheres. + </p> + <p> + Having fulfilled my duty as chairman, in that I have told you nothing that + you did not know before—except, perhaps, my swimming feat, which + never got into the Press because I have a very bad publicity agent—I + will not detain you longer from what you are really wanting to get at; but + ask Mr. Leacock to proceed at once with his lecture on "Frenzied Fiction." + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h1> + MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + I. The Balance of Trade in Impressions + </h2> + <p> + FOR some years past a rising tide of lecturers and literary men from + England has washed upon the shores of our North American continent. The + purpose of each one of them is to make a new discovery of America. They + come over to us travelling in great simplicity, and they return in the + ducal suite of the Aquitania. They carry away with them their impressions + of America, and when they reach England they sell them. This export of + impressions has now been going on so long that the balance of trade in + impressions is all disturbed. There is no doubt that the Americans and + Canadians have been too generous in this matter of giving away + impressions. We emit them with the careless ease of a glow worm, and like + the glow-worm ask for nothing in return. + </p> + <p> + But this irregular and one-sided traffic has now assumed such great + proportions that we are compelled to ask whether it is right to allow + these people to carry away from us impressions of the very highest + commercial value without giving us any pecuniary compensation whatever. + British lecturers have been known to land in New York, pass the customs, + drive uptown in a closed taxi, and then forward to England from the closed + taxi itself ten dollars' worth of impressions of American national + character. I have myself seen an English literary man,—the biggest, + I believe: he had at least the appearance of it; sit in the corridor of a + fashionable New York hotel and look gloomily into his hat, and then from + his very hat produce an estimate of the genius of Amer ica at twenty cents + a word. The nice question as to whose twenty cents that was never seems to + have occurred to him. + </p> + <p> + I am not writing in the faintest spirit of jealousy. I quite admit the + extraordinary ability that is involved in this peculiar susceptibility to + impressions. I have estimated that some of these English visitors have + been able to receive impressions at the rate of four to the second; in + fact, they seem to get them every time they see twenty cents. But without + jealousy or complaint, I do feel that somehow these impressions are + inadequate and fail to depict us as we really are. + </p> + <p> + Let me illustrate what I mean. Here are some of the impressions of New + York, gathered from visitors' discoveries of America, and reproduced not + perhaps word for word but as closely as I can remember them. "New York", + writes one, "nestling at the foot of the Hudson, gave me an impression of + cosiness, of tiny graciousness: in short, of weeness." But compare this—"New + York," according to another discoverer of America, "gave me an impression + of size, of vastness; there seemed to be a big ness about it not found in + smaller places." A third visitor writes, "New York struck me as hard, + cruel, almost inhuman." This, I think, was because his taxi driver had + charged him three dollars. "The first thing that struck me in New York," + writes another, "was the Statue of Liberty." But, after all, that was only + natural: it was the first thing that could reach him. + </p> + <p> + Nor is it only the impressions of the metropolis that seem to fall short + of reality. Let me quote a few others taken at random here and there over + the continent. + </p> + <p> + "I took from Pittsburg," says an English visitor, "an impression of + something that I could hardly define—an atmosphere rather than an + idea." + </p> + <p> + All very well, But, after all, had he the right to take it? Granted that + Pittsburg has an atmosphere rather than an idea, the attempt to carry away + this atmosphere surely borders on rapacity. + </p> + <p> + "New Orleans," writes another visitor, "opened her arms to me and bestowed + upon me the soft and languorous kiss of the Caribbean." This statement may + or may not be true; but in any case it hardly seems the fair thing to + mention it. + </p> + <p> + "Chicago," according to another book of discovery, "struck me as a large + city. Situated as it is and where it is, it seems destined to be a place + of importance." + </p> + <p> + Or here, again, is a form of "impression" that recurs again and again-"At + Cleveland I felt a distinct note of optimism in the air." + </p> + <p> + This same note of optimism is found also at Toledo, at Toronto—in + short, I believe it indicates nothing more than that some one gave the + visitor a cigar. Indeed it generally occurs during the familiar scene in + which the visitor describes his cordial reception in an unsuspecting + American town: thus: + </p> + <p> + "I was met at the station (called in America the depot) by a member of the + Municipal Council driving his own motor car. After giving me an excellent + cigar, he proceeded to drive me about the town, to various points of + interest, including the municipal abattoir, where he gave me another + excellent cigar, the Carnegie public library, the First National Bank (the + courteous manager of which gave me an excellent cigar) and the Second + Congregational Church where I had the pleasure of meeting the pastor. The + pastor, who appeared a man of breadth and culture, gave me another cigar. + In the evening a dinner, admirably cooked and excellently served, was + tendered to me at a leading hotel." And of course he took it. After which + his statement that he carried away from the town a feeling of optimism + explains itself: he had four cigars, the dinner, and half a page of + impressions at twenty cents a word. + </p> + <p> + Nor is it only by the theft of impressions that we suffer at the hands of + these English discoverers of America. It is a part of the system also that + we have to submit to being lectured to by our talented visitors. It is now + quite understood that as soon as an English literary man finishes a book + he is rushed across to America to tell the people of the United States and + Canada all about it, and how he came to write it. At home, in his own + country, they don't care how he came to write it. He's written it and + that's enough. But in America it is different. One month after the + distinguished author's book on The Boyhood of Botticelli has appeared in + London, he is seen to land in New York very quietly out of one of the back + portholes of the Olympic. That same afternoon you will find him in an + armchair in one of the big hotels giving off impressions of America to a + group of reporters. After which notices appear in all the papers to the + effect that he will lecture in Carnegie Hall on "Botticelli the Boy". The + audience is assured beforehand. It consists of all the people who feel + that they have to go because they know all about Botticelli and all the + people who feel that they have to go because they don't know anything + about Botticelli. By this means the lecturer is able to rake the whole + country from Montreal to San Francisco with "Botticelli the Boy". Then he + turns round, labels his lecture "Botticelli the Man", and rakes it all + back again. All the way across the continent and back he emits + impressions, estimates of national character, and surveys of American + genius. He sails from New York in a blaze of publicity, with his cordon of + reporters round him, and a month later publishes his book "America as I + Saw It". It is widely read—in America. + </p> + <p> + In the course of time a very considerable public feeling was aroused in + the United States and Canada over this state of affairs. The lack of + reciprocity in it seemed unfair. It was felt (or at least I felt) that the + time had come when some one ought to go over and take some impressions off + England. The choice of such a person (my choice) fell upon myself. By an + arrangement with the Geographical Society of America, acting in + conjunction with the Royal Geographical Society of England (to both of + whom I communicated my proposal), I went at my own expense. + </p> + <p> + It is scarcely feasible to give here full details in regard to my outfit + and equipment, though I hope to do so in a later and more extended account + of my expedition. Suffice it to say that my outfit, which was modelled on + the equipment of English lecturers in America, included a complete suit of + clothes, a dress shirt for lecturing in, a fountain pen and a silk hat. + The dress shirt, I may say for the benefit of other travellers, proved + invaluable. The silk hat, however, is no longer used in England except + perhaps for scrambling eggs in. + </p> + <p> + I pass over the details of my pleasant voyage from New York to Liverpool. + During the last fifty years so many travellers have made the voyage across + the Atlantic that it is now impossible to obtain any impressions from the + ocean of the slightest commercial value. My readers will recall the fact + that Washington Irving, as far back as a century ago, chronicled the + pleasure that one felt during an Atlantic voyage in idle day dreams while + lying prone upon the bowsprit and watching the dolphins leaping in the + crystalline foam. Since his time so many gifted writers have attempted to + do the same thing that on the large Atlantic liners the bowsprit has been + removed, or at any rate a notice put up: "Authors are requested not to lie + prostrate on the bowsprit." But even without this advantage, three or four + generations of writers have chronicled with great minuteness their + sensations during the transit. I need only say that my sensations were + just as good as theirs. I will content myself with chronicling the fact + that during the voyage we passed two dolphins, one whale and one iceberg + (none of them moving very fast at the time), and that on the fourth day + out the sea was so rough that the Captain said that in forty years he had + never seen such weather. One of the steerage passengers, we were told, was + actually washed overboard: I think it was over board that he was washed, + but it may have been on board the ship itself. + </p> + <p> + I pass over also the incidents of my landing in Liverpool, except perhaps + to comment upon the extraordinary behaviour of the English customs + officials. Without wishing in any way to disturb international relations, + one cannot help noticing the rough and inquisitorial methods of the + English customs men as compared with the gentle and affectionate ways of + the American officials at New York. The two trunks that I brought with me + were dragged brutally into an open shed, the strap of one of them was + rudely unbuckled, while the lid of the other was actually lifted at least + four inches. The trunks were then roughly scrawled with chalk, the lids + slammed to, and that was all. Not one of the officials seemed to care to + look at my things or to have the politeness to pretend to want to. I had + arranged my dress suit and my pyjamas so as to make as effective a display + as possible: a New York customs officer would have been delighted with it. + Here they simply passed it over. "Do open this trunk," I asked one of the + officials, "and see my pyjamas." "I don't think it is necessary, sir," the + man answered. There was a coldness about it that cut me to the quick. + </p> + <p> + But bad as is the conduct of the English customs men, the immigration + officials are even worse. I could not help being struck by the dreadful + carelessness with which people are admitted into England. There are, it is + true, a group of officials said to be in charge of immigration, but they + know nothing of the discriminating care exercised on the other side of the + Atlantic. + </p> + <p> + "Do you want to know," I asked one of them, "whether I am a polygamist?" + </p> + <p> + "No, sir," he said very quietly. + </p> + <p> + "Would you like me to tell you whether I am fundamentally opposed to any + and every system of government?" + </p> + <p> + The man seemed mystified. "No, sir," he said. "I don't know that I would." + </p> + <p> + "Don't you care?" I asked. + </p> + <p> + "Well, not particularly, sir," he answered. + </p> + <p> + I was determined to arouse him from his lethargy. + </p> + <p> + "Let me tell you, then," I said, "that I am an anarchistic polygamist, + that I am opposed to all forms of government, that I object to any kind of + revealed religion, that I regard the state and property and marriage as + the mere tyranny of the bourgeoisie, and that I want to see class hatred + carried to the point where it forces every one into brotherly love. Now, + do I get in?" + </p> + <p> + The official looked puzzled for a minute. "You are not Irish, are you, + sir?" he said. + </p> + <p> + "No." + </p> + <p> + "Then I think you can come in all right." he answered. + </p> + <p> + The journey from Liverpool to London, like all other English journeys, is + short. This is due to the fact that England is a small country: it + contains only 50,000 square miles, whereas the United States, as every one + knows, contains three and a half billion. I mentioned this fact to an + English fellow passenger on the train, together with a provisional + estimate of the American corn crop for 1922: but he only drew his rug + about his knees, took a sip of brandy from his travelling flask, and sank + into a state resembling death. I contented myself with jotting down an + impression of incivility and paid no further attention to my fellow + traveller other than to read the labels on his lug gage and to peruse the + headings of his newspaper by peeping over his shoulder. + </p> + <p> + It was my first experience of travelling with a fellow passenger in a + compartment of an English train, and I admit now that I was as yet + ignorant of the proper method of conduct. Later on I became fully + conversant with the rule of travel as understood in England. I should have + known, of course, that I must on no account speak to the man. But I should + have let down the window a little bit in such a way as to make a strong + draught on his ear. Had this failed to break down his reserve I should + have placed a heavy valise in the rack over his head so balanced that it + might fall on him at any moment. Failing this again, I could have blown + rings of smoke at him or stepped on his feet under the pretence of looking + out of the window. Under the English rule as long as he bears this in + silence you are not supposed to know him. In fact, he is not supposed to + be there. You and he each presume the other to be a mere piece of empty + space. But let him once be driven to say, "Oh, I beg your pardon, I wonder + if you would mind my closing the window," and he is lost. After that you + are entitled to tell him anything about the corn crop that you care to. + </p> + <p> + But in the present case I knew nothing of this, and after three hours of + charming silence I found myself in London. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + II. I Am Interviewed by the Press + </h2> + <p> + IMMEDIATELY upon my arrival in London I was interviewed by the Press. I + was interviewed in all twenty times. I am not saying this in any spirit of + elation or boastfulness. I am simply stating it as a fact—interviewed + twenty times, sixteen times by men and twice by women. But as I feel that + the results of these interviews were not all that I could have wished, I + think it well to make some public explanation of what happened. + </p> + <p> + The truth is that we do this thing so differently over in America that I + was for the time being completely thrown off my bearings. The questions + that I had every right to expect after many years of American and Canadian + interviews failed to appear. + </p> + <p> + I pass over the fact that being interviewed for five hours is a fatiguing + process. I lay no claim to exemption for that. But to that no doubt was + due the singular discrepancies as to my physical appearance which I + detected in the London papers. + </p> + <p> + The young man who interviewed me immediately after breakfast described me + as "a brisk, energetic man, still on the right side of forty, with energy + in every movement." + </p> + <p> + The lady who wrote me up at 11.30 reported that my hair was turning grey, + and that there was "a peculiar languor" in my manner. + </p> + <p> + And at the end the boy who took me over at a quarter to two said, "The old + gentleman sank wearily upon a chair in the hotel lounge. His hair is + almost white." + </p> + <p> + The trouble is that I had not understood that London reporters are + supposed to look at a man's personal appearance. In America we never + bother with that. We simply describe him as a "dynamo." For some reason or + other it always pleases everybody to be called a "dynamo," and the + readers, at least with us, like to read about people who are "dynamos," + and hardly care for anything else. + </p> + <p> + In the case of very old men we sometimes call them "battle-horses" or + "extinct volcanoes," but beyond these three classes we hardly venture on + description. So I was misled. I had expected that the reporter would say: + "As soon as Mr. Leacock came across the floor we felt we were in the + presence of a 'dynamo' (or an 'extinct battle-horse' as the case may be)." + Otherwise I would have kept up those energetic movements all the morning. + But they fatigue me, and I did not think them necessary. But I let that + pass. + </p> + <p> + The more serious trouble was the questions put to me by the reporters. + Over in our chief centres of population we use another set altogether. I + am thinking here especially of the kind of interview that I have given out + in Youngstown, Ohio, and Richmond, Indiana, and Peterborough, Ontario. In + all these places—for example, in Youngstown, Ohio the reporter asks + as his first question, "What is your impression of Youngstown?" + </p> + <p> + In London they don't. They seem indifferent to the fate of their city. + Perhaps it is only English pride. For all I know they may have been + burning to know this, just as the Youngstown, Ohio, people are, and were + too proud to ask. In any case I will insert here the answer I had written + out in my pocket-book (one copy for each paper—the way we do it in + Youngstown), and which read: + </p> + <p> + "London strikes me as emphatically a city with a future. Standing as she + does in the heart of a rich agricultural district with railroad connection + in all directions, and resting, as she must, on a bed of coal and oil, I + prophesy that she will one day be a great city." + </p> + <p> + The advantage of this is that it enables the reporter to get just the + right kind of heading: PROPHESIES BRIGHT FUTURE FOR LONDON. Had that been + used my name would have stood higher there than it does to-day—unless + the London people are very different from the people in Youngstown, which + I doubt. As it is they don't know whether their future is bright or is as + dark as mud. But it's not my fault. The reporters never asked me. + </p> + <p> + If the first question had been handled properly it would have led up by an + easy and pleasant transition to question two, which always runs: "Have you + seen our factories?" To which the answer is: + </p> + <p> + "I have. I was taken out early this morning by a group of your citizens + (whom I cannot thank enough) in a Ford car to look at your pail and bucket + works. At eleven-thirty I was taken out by a second group in what was + apparently the same car to see your soap works. I understand that you are + the second nail-making centre east of the Alleghenies, and I am amazed and + appalled. This afternoon I am to be taken out to see your wonderful system + of disposing of sewerage, a thing which has fascinated me from childhood." + </p> + <p> + Now I am not offering any criticism of the London system of interviewing, + but one sees at once how easy and friendly for all concerned this + Youngstown method is; how much better it works than the London method of + asking questions about literature and art and difficult things of that + sort. I am sure that there must be soap works and perhaps a pail factory + somewhere in London. But during my entire time of residence there no one + ever offered to take me to them. As for the sewerage—oh, well, I + suppose we are more hospitable in America. Let it go at that. + </p> + <p> + I had my answer all written and ready, saying: + </p> + <p> + "I understand that London is the second greatest hop-consuming, the fourth + hog-killing, and the first egg-absorbing centre in the world." + </p> + <p> + But what I deplore still more, and I think with reason, is the total + omission of the familiar interrogation: "What is your impression of our + women?" + </p> + <p> + That's where the reporter over on our side hits the nail every time. That + is the point at which we always nudge him in the ribs and buy him a cigar, + and at which youth and age join in a sly jest together. Here again the + sub-heading comes in so nicely: THINKS YOUNGSTOWN WOMEN CHARMING. And they + are. They are, everywhere. But I hate to think that I had to keep my + impression of London women unused in my pocket while a young man asked me + whether I thought modern literature owed more to observation and less to + inspiration than some other kind of literature. + </p> + <p> + Now that's exactly the kind of question, the last one, that the London + reporters seem to harp on. They seemed hipped about literature; and their + questions are too difficult. One asked me whether the American drama was + structurally inferior to the French. I don't call that fair. I told him I + didn't know; that I used to know the answer to it when I was at college, + but that I had forgotten it, and that, anyway, I am too well off now to + need to remember it. + </p> + <p> + That question is only one of a long list that they asked me about art and + literature. I missed nearly all of them, except one as to whether I + thought Al Jolson or Frank Tinney was the higher artist, and even that one + was asked by an American who is wasting himself on the London Press. + </p> + <p> + I don't want to speak in anger. But I say it frankly, the atmosphere of + these young men is not healthy, and I felt that I didn't want to see them + any more. + </p> + <p> + Had there been a reporter of the kind we have at home in Montreal or + Toledo or Springfield, Illinois, I would have welcomed him at my hotel. He + could have taken me out in a Ford car and shown me a factory and told me + how many cubic feet of water go down the Thames in an hour. I should have + been glad of his society, and he and I would have together made up the + kind of copy that people of his class and mine read. But I felt that if + any young man came along to ask about the structure of the modern drama, + he had better go on to the British Museum. + </p> + <p> + Meantime as the reporters entirely failed to elicit the large fund of + information which I acquired, I reserve my impressions of London for a + chapter by themselves. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + III. Impressions of London + </h2> + <p> + BEFORE setting down my impressions of the great English metropolis; a + phrase which I have thought out as a designation for London; I think it + proper to offer an initial apology. I find that I receive impressions with + great difficulty and have nothing of that easy facility in picking them up + which is shown by British writers on America. I remember Hugh Walpole + telling me that he could hardly walk down Broadway without getting at + least three dollars' worth and on Fifth Avenue five dollars' worth; and I + recollect that St. John Ervine came up to my house in Montreal, drank a + cup of tea, borrowed some tobacco, and got away with sixty dollars' worth + of impressions of Canadian life and character. + </p> + <p> + For this kind of thing I have only a despairing admiration. I can get an + impression if I am given time and can think about it beforehand. But it + requires thought. This fact was all the more distressing to me in as much + as one of the leading editors of America had made me a proposal, as + honourable to him as it was lucrative to me, that immediately on my + arrival in London;—or just before it,—I should send him a + thousand words on the genius of the English, and five hundred words on the + spirit of London, and two hundred words of personal chat with Lord + Northcliffe. This contract I was unable to fulfil except the personal chat + with Lord Northcliffe, which proved an easy matter as he happened to be + away in Australia. + </p> + <p> + But I have since pieced together my impressions as conscientiously as I + could and I present them here. If they seem to be a little bit modelled on + British impressions of America I admit at once that the influence is + there. We writers all act and react on one another; and when I see a good + thing in another man's book I react on it at once. + </p> + <p> + London, the name of which is already known to millions of readers of this + book, is beautifully situated on the river Thames, which here sweeps in a + wide curve with much the same breadth and majesty as the St. Jo River at + South Bend, Indiana. London, like South Bend itself, is a city of clean + streets and admirable sidewalks, and has an excellent water supply. One is + at once struck by the number of excellent and well-appointed motor cars + that one sees on every hand, the neatness of the shops and the cleanliness + and cheerfulness of the faces of the people. In short, as an English + visitor said of Peterborough, Ontario, there is a distinct note of + optimism in the air. I forget who it was who said this, but at any rate I + have been in Peterborough myself and I have seen it. + </p> + <p> + Contrary to my expectations and contrary to all our Transatlantic + precedents, I was not met at the depot by one of the leading citizens, + himself a member of the Municipal Council, driving his own motor car. He + did not tuck a fur rug about my knees, present me with a really excellent + cigar and proceed to drive me about the town so as to show me the leading + points of interest, the municipal reservoir, the gas works and the + municipal abattoir. In fact he was not there. But I attribute his absence + not to any lack of hospitality but merely to a certain reserve in the + English character. They are as yet unused to the arrival of lecturers. + When they get to be more accustomed to their coming, they will learn to + take them straight to the municipal abattoir just as we do. + </p> + <p> + For lack of better guidance, therefore, I had to form my impressions of + London by myself. In the mere physical sense there is much to attract the + eye. The city is able to boast of many handsome public buildings and + offices which compare favourably with anything on the other side of the + Atlantic. On the bank of the Thames itself rises the power house of the + Westminster Electric Supply Corporation, a handsome modern edifice in the + later Japanese style. Close by are the commodious premises of the Imperial + Tobacco Company, while at no great distance the Chelsea Gas Works add a + striking feature of rotundity. Passing northward, one observes Westminster + Bridge, notable as a principal station of the underground railway. This + station and the one next above it, the Charing Cross one, are connected by + a wide thoroughfare called Whitehall. One of the best American drug stores + is here situated. The upper end of Whitehall opens into the majestic and + spacious Trafalgar Square. Here are grouped in imposing proximity the + offices of the Canadian Pacific and other railways, The International + Sleeping Car Company, the Montreal Star, and the Anglo-Dutch Bank. Two of + the best American barber shops are conveniently grouped near the Square, + while the existence of a tall stone monument in the middle of the Square + itself enables the American visitor to find them without difficulty. + Passing eastward towards the heart of the city, one notes on the left hand + the imposing pile of St. Paul's, an enormous church with a round dome on + the top, suggesting strongly the first Church of Christ (Scientist) on + Euclid Avenue, Cleveland. + </p> + <p> + But the English churches not being labelled, the visitor is often at a + loss to distinguish them. + </p> + <p> + A little further on one finds oneself in the heart of financial London. + Here all the great financial institutions of America—The First + National Bank of Milwaukee, The Planters National Bank of St. Louis, The + Montana Farmers Trust Co., and many others,—have either their + offices or their agents. The Bank of England—which acts as the + London Agent of The Montana Farmers Trust Company,—and the London + County Bank, which represents the People's Deposit Co., of Yonkers, N.Y., + are said to be in the neighbourhood. + </p> + <p> + This particular part of London is connected with the existence of that + strange and mysterious thing called "the City." I am still unable to + decide whether the city is a person, or a place, or a thing. But as a form + of being I give it credit for being the most emotional, the most volatile, + the most peculiar creature in the world. You read in the morning paper + that the City is "deeply depressed." At noon it is reported that the City + is "buoyant" and by four o'clock that the City is "wildly excited." + </p> + <p> + I have tried in vain to find the causes of these peculiar changes of + feeling. The ostensible reasons, as given in the newspaper, are so trivial + as to be hardly worthy of belief. For example, here is the kind of news + that comes out from the City. "The news that a modus vivendi has been + signed between the Sultan of Kowfat and the Shriek-ul-Islam has caused a + sudden buoyancy in the City. Steel rails which had been depressed all + morning reacted immediately while American mules rose up sharply to + par."... "Monsieur Poincar, speaking at Bordeaux, said that henceforth + France must seek to retain by all possible means the ping-pong + championship of the world: values in the City collapsed at once."... + "Despatches from Bombay say that the Shah of Persia yesterday handed a + golden slipper to the Grand Vizier Feebli Pasha as a sign that he might go + and chase himself: the news was at once followed by a drop in oil, and a + rapid attempt to liquidate everything that is fluid..." + </p> + <p> + But these mysteries of the City I do not pretend to explain. I have passed + through the place dozens of times and never noticed anything particular in + the way of depression or buoyancy, or falling oil, or rising rails. But no + doubt it is there. + </p> + <p> + A little beyond the city and further down the river the visitor finds this + district of London terminating in the gloomy and forbidding Tower, the + principal penitentiary of the city. Here Queen Victoria was imprisoned for + many years. + </p> + <p> + Excellent gasoline can be had at the American Garage immediately north of + the Tower, where motor repairs of all kinds are also carried on. + </p> + <p> + These, however, are but the superficial pictures of London, gathered by + the eye of the tourist. A far deeper meaning is found in the examination + of the great historic monuments of the city. The principal ones of these + are the Tower of London (just mentioned), the British Museum and + Westminster Abbey. No visitor to London should fail to see these. Indeed + he ought to feel that his visit to England is wasted unless he has seen + them. I speak strongly on the point because I feel strongly on it. To my + mind there is something about the grim fascination of the historic Tower, + the cloistered quiet of the Museum and the majesty of the ancient Abbey, + which will make it the regret of my life that I didn't see any one of the + three. I fully meant to: but I failed: and I can only hope that the + circumstances of my failure may be helpful to other visitors. + </p> + <p> + The Tower of London I most certainly intended to inspect. Each day, after + the fashion of every tourist, I wrote for myself a little list of things + to do and I always put the Tower of London on it. No doubt the reader + knows the kind of little list that I mean. It runs: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1. Go to bank. + + 2. Buy a shirt. + + 3. National Picture Gallery. + + 4. Razor blades. + + 5. Tower of London. + + 6. Soap. +</pre> + <p> + This itinerary, I regret to say, was never carried out in full. I was able + at times both to go to the bank and buy a shirt in a single morning: at + other times I was able to buy razor blades and almost to find the National + Picture Gallery. Meantime I was urged on all sides by my London + acquaintances not to fail to see the Tower. "There's a grim fascination + about the place," they said; "you mustn't miss it." I am quite certain + that in due course of time I should have made my way to the Tower but for + the fact that I made a fatal discovery. I found out that the London people + who urged me to go and see the Tower had never seen it themselves. It + appears they never go near it. One night at a dinner a man next to me + said, "Have you seen the Tower? You really ought to. There's a grim + fascination about it." I looked him in the face. "Have you seen it + yourself?" I asked. "Oh, yes," he answered. "I've seen it." "When?" I + asked. The man hesitated. "When I was just a boy," he said, "my father + took me there." "How long ago is that?" I enquired. "About forty years + ago," he answered; + </p> + <p> + "I always mean to go again but I don't somehow seem to get the time." + </p> + <p> + After this I got to understand that when a Londoner says, "Have you seen + the Tower of London?" the answer is, "No, and neither have you." + </p> + <p> + Take the parallel case of the British Museum. Here is a place that is a + veritable treasure house. A repository of some of the most priceless + historical relics to be found upon the earth. It contains, for instance, + the famous Papyrus Manuscript of Thotmes II of the first Egyptian dynasty—a + thing known to scholars all over the world as the oldest extant specimen + of what can be called writing; indeed one can here see the actual + evolution (I am quoting from a work of reference, or at least from my + recollection of it) from the ideographic cuneiform to the phonetic + syllabic script. Every time I have read about that manuscript and have + happened to be in Orillia (Ontario) or Schenectady (N.Y.) or any such + place, I have felt that I would be willing to take a whole trip to England + to have five minutes at the British Museum, just five, to look at that + papyrus. Yet as soon as I got to London this changed. The railway stations + of London have been so arranged that to get to any train for the north or + west, the traveller must pass the British Museum. The first time I went by + it in a taxi, I felt quite a thrill. "Inside those walls," I thought to + myself, "is the manuscript of Thotmes II." The next time I actually + stopped the taxi. "Is that the British Museum?" I asked the driver, "I + think it is something of the sort, sir," he said. I hesitated. "Drive me," + I said, "to where I can buy safety razor blades." + </p> + <p> + After that I was able to drive past the Museum with the quiet assurance of + a Londoner, and to take part in dinner table discussions as to whether the + British Museum or the Louvre contains the greater treasures. It is quite + easy any way. All you have to do is to remember that The Winged Victory of + Samothrace is in the Louvre and the papyrus of Thotmes II (or some such + document) is in the Museum. + </p> + <p> + The Abbey, I admit, is indeed majestic. I did not intend to miss going + into it. But I felt, as so many tourists have, that I wanted to enter it + in the proper frame of mind. I never got into the frame of mind; at least + not when near the Abbey itself. I have been in exactly that frame of mind + when on State Street, Chicago, or on King Street, Toronto, or anywhere + three thousand miles away from the Abbey. But by bad luck I never struck + both the frame of mind and the Abbey at the same time. + </p> + <p> + But the Londoners, after all, in not seeing their own wonders, are only + like the rest of the world. The people who live in Buffalo never go to see + Niagara Falls; people in Cleveland don't know which is Mr. Rockefeller's + house, and people live and even die in New York without going up to the + top of the Woolworth Building. And anyway the past is remote and the + present is near. I know a cab driver in the city of Quebec whose business + in life it is to drive people up to see the Plains of Abraham, but unless + they bother him to do it, he doesn't show them the spot where Wolfe fell: + what he does point out with real zest is the place where the Mayor and the + City Council sat on the wooden platform that they put up for the municipal + celebration last summer. + </p> + <p> + No description of London would be complete without a reference, however + brief, to the singular salubrity and charm of the London climate. This is + seen at its best during the autumn and winter months. The climate of + London and indeed of England generally is due to the influence of the Gulf + Stream. The way it works is thus: The Gulf Stream, as it nears the shores + of the British Isles and feels the propinquity of Ireland, rises into the + air, turns into soup, and comes down on London. At times the soup is thin + and is in fact little more than a mist: at other times it has the + consistency of a thick Potage St. Germain. London people are a little + sensitive on the point and flatter their atmosphere by calling it a fog: + but it is not: it is soup. The notion that no sunlight ever gets through + and that in the London winter people never see the sun is of course a + ridiculous error, circulated no doubt by the jealousy of foreign nations. + I have myself seen the sun plainly visible in London, without the aid of + glasses, on a November day in broad daylight; and again one night about + four o'clock in the afternoon I saw the sun distinctly appear through the + clouds. The whole subject of daylight in the London winter is, however, + one which belongs rather to the technique of astronomy than to a book of + description. In practice daylight is but little used. Electric lights are + burned all the time in all houses, buildings, railway stations and clubs. + This practice which is now universally observed is called Daylight Saving. + </p> + <p> + But the distinction between day and night during the London winter is + still quite obvious to any one of an observant mind. It is indicated by + various signs such as the striking of clocks, the tolling of bells, the + closing of saloons, and the raising of taxi rates. It is much less easy to + distinguish the technical approach of night in the other cities of England + that lie outside the confines, physical and intellectual, of London and + live in a continuous gloom. In such places as the great manufacturing + cities, Buggingham-under-Smoke, or Gloomsbury-on-Ooze, night may be said + to be perpetual. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + I had written the whole of the above chapter and looked on it as finished + when I realised that I had made a terrible omission. I neglected to say + anything about the Mind of London. This is a thing that is always put into + any book of discovery and observation and I can only apologise for not + having discussed it sooner. I am quite familiar with other people's + chapters on "The Mind of America," and "The Chinese Mind," and so forth. + Indeed, so far as I know it has turned out that almost everybody all over + the world has a mind. Nobody nowadays travels, even in Central America or + Thibet, without bringing back a chapter on "The Mind of Costa Rica," or on + the "Psychology of the Mongolian." Even the gentler peoples such as the + Burmese, the Siamese, the Hawaiians, and the Russians, though they have no + minds are written up as souls. + </p> + <p> + It is quite obvious then that there is such a thing as the mind of London: + and it is all the more culpable in me to have neglected it in as much as + my editorial friend in New York had expressly mentioned it to me before I + sailed. "What," said he, leaning far over his desk after his massive + fashion and reaching out into the air, "what is in the minds of these + people? Are they," he added, half to himself, though I heard him, "are + they thinking? And, if they think, what do they think?" + </p> + <p> + I did therefore, during my stay in London, make an accurate study of the + things that London seemed to be thinking about. As a comparative basis for + this study I brought with me a carefully selected list of the things that + New York was thinking about at the moment. These I selected from the + current newspapers in the proportions to the amount of space allotted to + each topic and the size of the heading that announced it. Having thus a + working idea of what I may call the mind of New York, I was able to + collect and set beside it a list of similar topics, taken from the London + Press to represent the mind of London. The two placed side by side make an + interesting piece of psychological analysis. They read as follows: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE MIND OF NEW YORK THE MIND OF LONDON + What is it thinking? What is it thinking? + + 1. Do chorus girls make 1. Do chorus girls marry + good wives? well? + + 2. Is red hair a sign of 2. What is red hair a + temperament? sign of? + + 3. Can a woman be in 3. Can a man be in love + love with two men? with two women? + + 4. Is fat a sign of genius? 4. Is genius a sign of fat? +</pre> + <p> + Looking over these lists, I think it is better to present them without + comment; I feel sure that somewhere or other in them one should detect the + heart-throbs, the pulsations of two great peoples. But I don't get it. In + fact the two lists look to me terribly like "the mind of Costa Rica." + </p> + <p> + The same editor also advised me to mingle, at his expense, in the + brilliant intellectual life of England. "There," he said, "is a coterie of + men, probably the most brilliant group East of the Mississippi." (I think + he said the Mississippi). "You will find them," he said to me, "brilliant, + witty, filled with repartee." He suggested that I should send him back, as + far as words could express it, some of this brilliance. I was very glad to + be able to do this, although I fear that the results were not at all what + he had anticipated. Still, I held conversations with these people and I + gave him, in all truthfulness, the result. Sir James Barrie said, "This is + really very exceptional weather for this time of year." Cyril Maude said, + "And so a Martini cocktail is merely gin and vermouth." Ian Hay said, + "You'll find the underground ever so handy once you understand it." + </p> + <p> + I have a lot more of these repartees that I could insert here if it was + necessary. But somehow I feel that it is not. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IV. A Clear View of the Government and Politics of England + </h2> + <p> + A LOYAL British subject like myself in dealing with the government of + England should necessarily begin with a discussion of the monarchy. I have + never had the pleasure of meeting the King,—except once on the + G.T.R. platform in Orillia, Ontario, when he was the Duke of York and I + was one of the welcoming delegates of the town council. No doubt he would + recall it in a minute. + </p> + <p> + But in England the King is surrounded by formality and circumstance. On + many mornings I waited round the gates of Buckingham Palace but I found it + quite impossible to meet the King in the quiet sociable way in which one + met him in Orillia. The English, it seems, love to make the kingship a + subject of great pomp and official etiquette. In Canada it is quite + different. Perhaps we understand kings and princes better than the English + do. At any rate we treat them in a far more human heart-to-heart fashion + than is the English custom, and they respond to it at once. I remember + when King George—he was, as I say, Duke of York then—came up + to Orillia, Ontario, how we all met him in a delegation on the platform. + Bob Curran—Bob was Mayor of the town that year—went up to him + and shook hands with him and invited him to come right on up to the + Orillia House where he had a room reserved for him. Charlie Janes and Mel + Tudhope and the other boys who were on the town Council gathered round the + royal prince and shook hands and told him that he simply must stay over. + George Rapley, the bank manager, said that if he wanted a cheque cashed or + anything of that sort to come right into the Royal Bank and he would do it + for him. The prince had two aides-de-camp with him and a secretary, but + Bob Curran said to bring them uptown too and it would be all right. We had + planned to have an oyster supper for the Prince at Jim Smith's hotel and + then take him either to the Y.M.C.A. Pool Room or else over to the tea + social in the basement of the Presbyterian Church. + </p> + <p> + Unluckily the prince couldn't stay. It turned out that he had to get right + back into his train and go on to Peterborough, Ontario, where they were to + have a brass band to meet him, which naturally he didn't want to miss. + </p> + <p> + But the point is that it was a real welcome. And you could see that the + prince appreciated it. There was a warmth and a meaning to it that the + prince understood at once. It was a pity that he couldn't have stayed over + and had time to see the carriage factory and the new sewerage plant. We + all told the prince that he must come back and he said that if he could he + most certainly would. When the prince's train pulled out of the station + and we all went back uptown together (it was before prohibition came to + Ontario) you could feel that the institution of royalty was quite solid in + Orillia for a generation. + </p> + <p> + But you don't get that sort of thing in England. + </p> + <p> + There's a formality and coldness in all their dealings with royalty that + would never go down with us. They like to have the King come and open + Parliament dressed in royal robes, and with a clattering troop of soldiers + riding in front of him. As for taking him over to the Y.M.C.A. to play pin + pool, they never think of it. They have seen so much of the mere outside + of his kingship that they don't understand the heart of it as we do in + Canada. + </p> + <p> + But let us turn to the House of Commons: for no description of England + would be complete without at least some mention of this interesting body. + Indeed for the ordinary visitor to London the greatest interest of all + attaches to the spacious and magnificent Parliament Buildings. The House + of Commons is commodiously situated beside the River Thames. The principal + features of the House are the large lunch room on the western side and the + tea-room on the terrace on the eastern. A series of smaller luncheon rooms + extend (apparently) all round about the premises: while a commodious bar + offers a ready access to the members at all hours of the day. While any + members are in the bar a light is kept burning in the tall Clock Tower at + one corner of the building, but when the bar is closed the light is turned + off by whichever of the Scotch members leaves last. There is a handsome + legislative chamber attached to the premises from which—so the + antiquarians tell us—the House of Commons took its name. But it is + not usual now for the members to sit in the legislative chamber as the + legislation is now all done outside, either at the home of Mr. Lloyd + George, or at the National Liberal Club, or at one or other of the + newspaper offices. The House, however, is called together at very frequent + intervals to give it an opportunity of hearing the latest legislation and + allowing the members to indulge in cheers, sighs, groans, votes and other + expressions of vitality. After having cheered as much as is good for it, + it goes back again to the lunch rooms and goes on eating till needed + again. + </p> + <p> + It is, however, an entire exaggeration to say that the House of Commons no + longer has a real share in the government of England. This is not so. + Anybody connected with the government values the House of Commons in a + high degree. One of the leading newspaper proprietors of London himself + told me that he has always felt that if he had the House of Commons on his + side he had a very valuable ally. Many of the labour leaders are inclined + to regard the House of Commons as of great utility, while the leading + women's organizations, now that women are admitted as members, may be said + to regard the House as one of themselves. + </p> + <p> + Looking around to find just where the natural service of the House of + Commons comes in, I am inclined to think that it must be in the practice + of "asking questions" in the House. Whenever anything goes wrong a member + rises and asks a question. He gets up, for example, with a little paper in + his hand, and asks the government if ministers are aware that the Khedive + of Egypt was seen yesterday wearing a Turkish Tarbosh. Ministers say very + humbly that they hadn't known it, and a thrill runs through the whole + country. The members can apparently ask any questions they like. In the + repeated visits which I made to the gallery of the House of Commons I was + unable to find any particular sense or meaning in the questions asked, + though no doubt they had an intimate bearing on English politics not clear + to an outsider like myself. I heard one member ask the government whether + they were aware that herrings were being imported from Hamburg to Harwich. + The government said no. Another member rose and asked the government + whether they considered Shakespere or Moliere the greater dramatic artist. + The government answered that ministers were taking this under their + earnest consideration and that a report would be submitted to Parliament. + Another member asked the government if they knew who won the Queen's Plate + this season at Toronto. They did,—in fact this member got in wrong, + as this is the very thing that the government do know. Towards the close + of the evening a member rose and asked the government if they knew what + time it was. The Speaker, however, ruled this question out of order on the + ground that it had been answered before. + </p> + <p> + The Parliament Buildings are so vast that it is not possible to state with + certainty what they do, or do not, contain. But it is generally said that + somewhere in the building is the House of Lords. When they meet they are + said to come together very quietly shortly before the dinner hour, take a + glass of dry sherry and a biscuit (they are all abstemious men), reject + whatever bills may be before them at the moment, take another dry sherry + and then adjourn for two years. + </p> + <p> + The public are no longer allowed unrestricted access to the Houses of + Parliament; its approaches are now strictly guarded by policemen. In order + to obtain admission it is necessary either to (A) communicate in writing + with the Speaker of the House, enclosing certificates of naturalization + and proof of identity, or (B) give the policeman five shillings. Method B + is the one usually adopted. On great nights, however, when the House of + Commons is sitting and is about to do something important, such as + ratifying a Home Rule Bill or cheering, or welcoming a new lady member, it + is not possible to enter by merely bribing the policeman with five + shillings; it takes a pound. The English people complain bitterly of the + rich Americans who have in this way corrupted the London public. Before + they were corrupted they would do anything for sixpence. + </p> + <p> + This peculiar vein of corruption by the Americans runs like a thread, I + may say, through all the texture of English life. Among those who have + been principally exposed to it are the servants,—especially butlers + and chauffeurs, hotel porters, bell-boys, railway porters and guards, all + taxi-drivers, pew-openers, curates, bishops, and a large part of the + peerage. + </p> + <p> + The terrible ravages that have been made by the Americans on English + morality are witnessed on every hand. Whole classes of society are + hopelessly damaged. I have it in the evidence of the English themselves + and there seems to be no doubt of the fact. Till the Americans came to + England the people were an honest, law-abiding race, respecting their + superiors and despising those below them. They had never been corrupted by + money and their employers extended to them in this regard their tenderest + solicitude. Then the Americans came. Servants ceased to be what they were; + butlers were hopelessly damaged; hotel porters became a wreck; + taxi-drivers turned out thieves; curates could no longer be trusted to + handle money; peers sold their daughters at a million dollars a piece or + three for two. In fact the whole kingdom began to deteriorate till it got + where it is now. At present after a rich American has stayed in any + English country house, its owners find that they can do nothing with the + butler; a wildness has come over the man. There is a restlessness in his + demeanour and a strange wistful look in his eye as if seeking for + something. In many cases, so I understand, after an American has stayed in + a country house the butler goes insane. He is found in his pantry counting + over the sixpence given to him by a Duke, and laughing to himself. He has + to be taken in charge by the police. With him generally go the chauffeur, + whose mind has broken down from driving a rich American twenty miles; and + the gardener, who is found tearing up raspberry bushes by the roots to see + if there is any money under them; and the local curate whose brain has + collapsed or expanded, I forget which, when a rich American gave him fifty + dollars for his soup kitchen. + </p> + <p> + There are, it is true, a few classes that have escaped this contagion, + shepherds living in the hills, drovers, sailors, fishermen and such like. + I remember the first time I went into the English country-side being + struck with the clean, honest look in the people's faces. I realised + exactly where they got it: they had never seen any Americans. I remember + speaking to an aged peasant down in Somerset. "Have you ever seen any + Americans?" "Nah," he said, "uz eeard a mowt o' 'em, zir, but uz zeen nowt + o' 'em." It was clear that the noble fellow was quite undamaged by + American contact. + </p> + <p> + Now the odd thing about this corruption is that exactly the same idea is + held on the other side of the water. It is a known fact that if a young + English Lord comes to an American town he puts it to the bad in one week. + Socially the whole place goes to pieces. Girls whose parents are in the + hardware business and who used to call their father "pop" begin to talk of + precedence and whether a Duchess Dowager goes in to dinner ahead of or + behind a countess scavenger. After the young Lord has attended two dances + and one tea-social in the Methodist Church Sunday School Building (Adults + 25 cents, children 10 cents—all welcome.) there is nothing for the + young men of the town to do except to drive him out or go further west. + </p> + <p> + One can hardly wonder then that this general corruption has extended even + to the policemen who guard the Houses of Parliament. On the other hand + this vein of corruption has not extended to English politics. Unlike ours, + English politics,—one hears it on every hand,—are pure. Ours + unfortunately are known to be not so. The difference seems to be that our + politicians will do anything for money and the English politicians won't; + they just take the money and won't do a thing for it. + </p> + <p> + Somehow there always seems to be a peculiar interest about English + political questions that we don't find elsewhere. At home in Canada our + politics turn on such things as how much money the Canadian National + Railways lose as compared with how much they could lose if they really + tried; on whether the Grain Growers of Manitoba should be allowed to + import ploughs without paying a duty or to pay a duty without importing + the ploughs. Our members at Ottawa discuss such things as highway + subsidies, dry farming, the Bank Act, and the tariff on hardware. These + things leave me absolutely cold. To be quite candid there is something + terribly plebeian about them. In short, our politics are what we call in + French "peuple." + </p> + <p> + But when one turns to England, what a striking difference! The English, + with the whole huge British Empire to fish in and the European system to + draw upon, can always dig up some kind of political topic of discussion + that has a real charm about it. One month you find English politics + turning on the Oasis of Merv and the next on the hinterland of Albania; or + a member rises in the Commons with a little bit of paper in his hand and + desires to ask the foreign secretary if he is aware that the Ahkoond of + Swat is dead. The foreign secretary states that the government have no + information other than that the Ahkoond was dead a month ago. There is a + distinct sensation in the House at the realisation that the Ahkoond has + been dead a month without the House having known that he was alive. The + sensation is conveyed to the Press and the afternoon papers appear with + large headings, THE AHKOOND OF SWAT IS DEAD. The public who have never + heard of the Ahkoond bare their heads in a moment in a pause to pray for + the Ahkoond's soul. Then the cables take up the refrain and word is + flashed all over the world, The Ahkoond of Swat is Dead. + </p> + <p> + There was a Canadian journalist and poet once who was so impressed with + the news that the Ahkoond was dead, so bowed down with regret that he had + never known the Ahkoond while alive, that he forthwith wrote a poem in + memory of The Ahkoond of Swat. I have always thought that the reason of + the wide admiration that Lannigan's verses received was not merely because + of the brilliant wit that is in them but because in a wider sense they + typify so beautifully the scope of English politics. The death of the + Ahkoond of Swat, and whether Great Britain should support as his successor + Mustalpha El Djin or Kamu Flaj,—there is something worth talking of + over an afternoon tea table. But suppose that the whole of the Manitoba + Grain Growers were to die. What could one say about it? They'd be dead, + that's all. + </p> + <p> + So it is that people all over the world turn to English politics with + interest. What more delightful than to open an atlas, find out where the + new kingdom of Hejaz is, and then violently support the British claim to a + protectorate over it. Over in America we don't understand this sort of + thing. There is naturally little chance to do so and we don't know how to + use it when it comes. I remember that when a chance did come in connection + with the great Venezuela dispute over the ownership of the jungles and + mud-flats of British Guiana, the American papers at once inserted + headings, WHERE IS THE ESSIQUIBO RIVER? That spoiled the whole thing. If + you admit that you don't know where a place is, then the bottom is knocked + out of all discussion. But if you pretend that you do, then you are all + right. Mr. Lloyd George is said to have caused great amusement at the + Versailles Conference by admitting that he hadn't known where Teschen was. + So at least it was reported in the papers; and for all I know it might + even have been true. But the fun that he raised was not really half what + could have been raised. I have it on good authority that two of the + American delegates hadn't known where Austria Proper was and thought that + Unredeemed Italy was on the East side of New York, while the Chinese + Delegate thought that the Cameroons were part of Scotland. But it is these + little geographic niceties that lend a charm to European politics that + ours lack forever. + </p> + <p> + I don't mean to say the English politics always turn on romantic places or + on small questions. They don't. They often include questions of the + largest order. But when the English introduce a really large question as + the basis of their politics they like to select one that is insoluble. + This guarantees that it will last. Take for example the rights of the + Crown as against the people. That lasted for one hundred years,—all + the seventeenth century. In Oklahoma or in Alberta they would have called + a convention on the question, settled it in two weeks and spoiled it for + further use. In the same way the Protestant Reformation was used for a + hundred years and the Reform Bill for a generation. + </p> + <p> + At the present time the genius of the English for politics has selected as + their insoluble political question the topic of the German indemnity. The + essence of the problem as I understand it may be stated as follows: + </p> + <p> + It was definitely settled by the Conference at Versailles that Germany is + to pay the Allies 3,912,486,782,421 marks. I think that is the correct + figure, though of course I am speaking only from memory. At any rate, the + correct figure is within a hundred billion marks of the above. + </p> + <p> + The sum to be paid was not reached without a great deal of discussion. + Monsieur Briand, the French Minister, is reported to have thrown out the + figure 4,281,390,687,471. But Mr. Lloyd George would not pick it up. Nor + do I blame him unless he had a basket to pick it up with. + </p> + <p> + Lloyd George's point of view was that the Germans could very properly pay + a limited amount such as 3,912,486,782,421 marks, but it was not feasible + to put on them a burden of 4,281,390,687,471 marks. + </p> + <p> + By the way, if any one at this point doubts the accuracy of the figures + just given, all he has to do is to take the amount of the indemnity as + stated in gold marks and then multiply it by the present value of the mark + and he will find to his chagrin that the figures are correct. If he is + still not satisfied I refer him to a book of Logarithms. If he is not + satisfied with that I refer him to any work on conic sections and if not + convinced even then I refer him so far that he will never come back. + </p> + <p> + The indemnity being thus fixed, the next question is as to the method of + collecting it. In the first place there is no intention of allowing the + Germans to pay in actual cash. If they do this they will merely inflate + the English beyond what is bearable. England has been inflated now for + eight years and has had enough of it. + </p> + <p> + In the second place, it is understood that it will not do to allow the + Germans to offer 4,218, 390,687,471 marks' worth of coal. It is more than + the country needs. + </p> + <p> + What is more, if the English want coal they propose to buy it in an + ordinary decent way from a Christian coal-dealer in their own country. + They do not purpose to ruin their own coal industry for the sake of + building up the prosperity of the German nation. + </p> + <p> + What I say of coal is applied with equal force to any offers of food, + grain, oil, petroleum, gas, or any other natural product. Payment in any + of these will be sternly refused. Even now it is all the British farmers + can do to live and for some it is more. Many of them are having to sell + off their motors and pianos and to send their sons to college to work. At + the same time, the German producer by depressing the mark further and + further is able to work fourteen hours a day. This argument may not be + quite correct but I take it as I find it in the London Press. Whether I + state it correctly or not, it is quite plain that the problem is + insoluble. That is all that is needed in first class politics. + </p> + <p> + A really good question like the German reparation question will go on for + a century. Undoubtedly in the year 2000 A.D., a British Chancellor of the + Exchequer will still be explaining that the government is fully resolved + that Germany shall pay to the last farthing (cheers): but that ministers + have no intention of allowing the German payment to take a form that will + undermine British industry (wild applause): that the German indemnity + shall be so paid that without weakening the power of the Germans, to buy + from us it shall increase our power of selling to them. + </p> + <p> + Such questions last forever. + </p> + <p> + On the other hand sometimes by sheer carelessness a question gets settled + and passes out of politics. This, so we are given to understand, has + happened to the Irish question. It is settled. A group of Irish delegates + and British ministers got together round a table and settled it. The + settlement has since been celebrated at a demonstration of brotherhood by + the Irish Americans of New York with only six casualties. Henceforth the + Irish question passes into history. There may be some odd fighting along + the Ulster border, or a little civil war with perhaps a little revolution + every now and then, but as a question the thing is finished. + </p> + <p> + I must say that I for one am very sorry to think that the Irish question + is gone. We shall miss it greatly. Debating societies which have + flourished on it ever since 1886 will be wrecked for want of it. Dinner + parties will now lose half the sparkle of their conversation. It will be + no longer possible to make use of such good old remarks as, "After all the + Irish are a gifted people," or, "You must remember that fifty per cent of + the great English generals were Irish." + </p> + <p> + The settlement turned out to be a very simple affair. Ireland was merely + given dominion status. What that is, no one knows, but it means that the + Irish have now got it and that they sink from the high place that they had + in the white light of publicity to the level of the Canadians or the New + Zealanders. + </p> + <p> + Whether it is quite a proper thing to settle trouble by conferring + dominion status on it, is open to question. It is a practice that is bound + to spread. It is rumoured that it is now contemplated to confer dominion + status upon the Borough of Poplar and on the Cambridge undergraduates. It + is even understood that at the recent disarmament conference England + offered to confer dominion status on the United States. President Harding + would assuredly have accepted it at once but for the protest of Mr. + Briand, who claimed that any such offer must be accompanied by a + permission to increase the French fire-brigade by fifty per cent. + </p> + <p> + It is lamentable, too, that at the very same moment when the Irish + question was extinguished, the Naval Question which had lasted for nearly + fifty years was absolutely obliterated by disarmament. Henceforth the + alarm of invasion is a thing of the past and the navy practically + needless. Beyond keeping a fleet in the North Sea and one on the + Mediterranean, and maintaining a patrol all round the rim of the Pacific + Ocean, Britain will cease to be a naval power. A mere annual expenditure + of fifty million pounds sterling will suffice for such thin pretence of + naval preparedness as a disarmed nation will have to maintain. + </p> + <p> + This thing too, came as a surprise, or at least a surprise to the general + public who are unaware of the workings of diplomacy. Those who know about + such things were fully aware of what would happen if a whole lot of + British sailors and diplomatists and journalists were exposed to the + hospitalities of Washington. The British and Americans are both alike. You + can't drive them or lead them or coerce them, but if you give them a cigar + they'll do anything. The inner history of the conference is only just + beginning to be known. But it is whispered that immediately on his arrival + Mr. Balfour was given a cigar by President Harding. Mr. Balfour at once + offered to scrap five ships, and invited the entire American cabinet into + the British Embassy, where Sir A. Geddes was rash enough to offer them + champagne. + </p> + <p> + The American delegates immediately offered to scrap ten ships. Mr. + Balfour, who simply cannot be outdone in international courtesy, saw the + ten and raised it to twenty. President Harding saw the twenty, raised it + to thirty, and sent out for more poker chips. + </p> + <p> + At the close of the play Lord Beatty, who is urbanity itself, offered to + scrap Portsmouth Dockyard, and asked if anybody present would like Canada. + President Harding replied with his customary tact that if England wanted + the Philippines, he would think it what he would term a residuum of + normalcy to give them away. There is no telling what might have happened + had not Mr. Briand interposed to say that any transfer of the Philippines + must be regarded as a signal for a twenty per cent increase in the Boy + Scouts of France. As a tactful conclusion to the matter President Harding + raised Mr. Balfour to the peerage. + </p> + <p> + As things are, disarmament coming along with the Irish settlement, leaves + English politics in a bad way. The general outlook is too peaceful + altogether. One looks round almost in vain for any of those "strained + relations" which used to be the very basis of English foreign policy. In + only one direction do I see light for English politics, and that is over + towards Czecho-Slovakia. It appears that Czecho-Slovakia owes the British + Exchequer fifty million sterling. I cannot quote the exact figure, but it + is either fifty million or fifty billion. In either case Czecho-Slovakia + is unable to pay. The announcement has just been made by M. Sgitzch, the + new treasurer, that the country is bankrupt or at least that he sees his + way to make it so in a week. + </p> + <p> + It has been at once reported in City circles that there are "strained + relations" between Great Britain and Czecho-Slovakia. Now what I advise + is, that if the relations are strained, keep them so. England has lost + nearly all the strained relations she ever had; let her cherish the few + that she still has. I know that there are other opinions. The suggestion + has been at once made for a "round table conference," at which the whole + thing can be freely discussed without formal protocols and something like + a "gentleman's agreement" reached. I say, don't do it. England is being + ruined by these round table conferences. They are sitting round in Cairo + and Calcutta and Capetown, filling all the best hotels and eating out the + substance of the taxpayer. + </p> + <p> + I am told that Lloyd George has offered to go to Czecho-Slovakia. He + should be stopped. It is said that Professor Keynes has proved that the + best way to deal with the debt of Czecho-Slovakia is to send them whatever + cash we have left, thereby turning the exchange upside down on them, and + forcing them to buy all their Christmas presents in Manchester. + </p> + <p> + It is wiser not to do anything of the sort. England should send them a + good old-fashioned ultimatum, mobilise all the naval officers at the + Embankment hotels, raise the income tax another sixpence, and defy them. + </p> + <p> + If that were done it might prove a successful first step in bringing + English politics back to the high plane of conversational interest from + which they are threatening to fall. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + V. Oxford as I See It + </h2> + <p> + MY private station being that of a university professor, I was naturally + deeply interested in the system of education in England. I was therefore + led to make a special visit to Oxford and to submit the place to a + searching scrutiny. Arriving one afternoon at four o'clock, I stayed at + the Mitre Hotel and did not leave until eleven o'clock next morning. The + whole of this time, except for one hour spent in addressing the + undergraduates, was devoted to a close and eager study of the great + university. When I add to this that I had already visited Oxford in 1907 + and spent a Sunday at All Souls with Colonel L. S. Amery, it will be seen + at once that my views on Oxford are based upon observations extending over + fourteen years. + </p> + <p> + At any rate I can at least claim that my acquaintance with the British + university is just as good a basis for reflection and judgment as that of + the numerous English critics who come to our side of the water. I have + known a famous English author to arrive at Harvard University in the + morning, have lunch with President Lowell, and then write a whole chapter + on the Excellence of Higher Education in America. I have known another one + come to Harvard, have lunch with President Lowell, and do an entire book + on the Decline of Serious Study in America. Or take the case of my own + university. I remember Mr. Rudyard Kipling coming to McGill and saying in + his address to the undergraduates at 2.30 P.M., "You have here a great + institution." But how could he have gathered this information? As far as I + know he spent the entire morning with Sir Andrew Macphail in his house + beside the campus, smoking cigarettes. When I add that he distinctly + refused to visit the Palaeontologic Museum, that he saw nothing of our new + hydraulic apparatus, or of our classes in Domestic Science, his judgment + that we had here a great institution seems a little bit superficial. I can + only put beside it, to redeem it in some measure, the hasty and ill-formed + judgment expressed by Lord Milner, "McGill is a noble university": and the + rash and indiscreet expression of the Prince of Wales, when we gave him an + LL.D. degree, "McGill has a glorious future." + </p> + <p> + To my mind these unthinking judgments about our great college do harm, and + I determined, therefore, that anything that I said about Oxford should be + the result of the actual observation and real study based upon a bona fide + residence in the Mitre Hotel. + </p> + <p> + On the strength of this basis of experience I am prepared to make the + following positive and emphatic statements. Oxford is a noble university. + It has a great past. It is at present the greatest university in the + world: and it is quite possible that it has a great future. Oxford trains + scholars of the real type better than any other place in the world. Its + methods are antiquated. It despises science. Its lectures are rotten. It + has professors who never teach and students who never learn. It has no + order, no arrangement, no system. Its curriculum is unintelligible. It has + no president. It has no state legislature to tell it how to teach, and + yet,—it gets there. Whether we like it or not, Oxford gives + something to its students, a life and a mode of thought, which in America + as yet we can emulate but not equal. + </p> + <p> + If anybody doubts this let him go and take a room at the Mitre Hotel (ten + and six for a wainscotted bedroom, period of Charles I) and study the + place for himself. + </p> + <p> + These singular results achieved at Oxford are all the more surprising when + one considers the distressing conditions under which the students work. + The lack of an adequate building fund compels them to go on working in the + same old buildings which they have had for centuries. The buildings at + Brasenose College have not been renewed since the year 1525. In New + College and Magdalen the students are still housed in the old buildings + erected in the sixteenth century. At Christ Church I was shown a kitchen + which had been built at the expense of Cardinal Wolsey in 1527. Incredible + though it may seem, they have no other place to cook in than this and are + compelled to use it to-day. On the day when I saw this kitchen, four cooks + were busy roasting an ox whole for the students' lunch: this at least is + what I presumed they were doing from the size of the fire-place used, but + it may not have been an ox; perhaps it was a cow. On a huge table, twelve + feet by six and made of slabs of wood five inches thick, two other cooks + were rolling out a game pie. I estimated it as measuring three feet + across. In this rude way, unchanged since the time of Henry VIII, the + unhappy Oxford students are fed. I could not help contrasting it with the + cosy little boarding houses on Cottage Grove Avenue where I used to eat + when I was a student at Chicago, or the charming little basement + dining-rooms of the students' boarding houses in Toronto. But then, of + course, Henry VIII never lived in Toronto. + </p> + <p> + The same lack of a building-fund necessitates the Oxford students, living + in the identical old boarding houses they had in the sixteenth and + seventeenth centuries. Technically they are called "quadrangles," "closes" + and "rooms"; but I am so broken in to the usage of my student days that I + can't help calling them boarding houses. In many of these the old stairway + has been worn down by the feet of ten generations of students: the windows + have little latticed panes: there are old names carved here and there upon + the stone, and a thick growth of ivy covers the walls. The boarding house + at St. John's College dates from 1509, the one at Christ Church from the + same period. A few hundred thousand pounds would suffice to replace these + old buildings with neat steel and brick structures like the normal school + at Schenectady, N.Y., or the Peel Street High School at Montreal. But + nothing is done. A movement was indeed attempted last autumn towards + removing the ivy from the walls, but the result was unsatisfactory and + they are putting it back. Any one could have told them beforehand that the + mere removal of the ivy would not brighten Oxford up, unless at the same + time one cleared the stones of the old inscriptions, put in steel + fire-escapes, and in fact brought the boarding houses up to date. + </p> + <p> + But Henry VIII being dead, nothing was done. Yet in spite of its + dilapidated buildings and its lack of fire-escapes, ventilation, + sanitation, and up-to-date kitchen facilities, I persist in my assertion + that I believe that Oxford, in its way, is the greatest university in the + world. I am aware that this is an extreme statement and needs explanation. + Oxford is much smaller in numbers, for example, than the State University + of Minnesota, and is much poorer. It has, or had till yesterday, fewer + students than the University of Toronto. To mention Oxford beside the + 26,000 students of Columbia University sounds ridiculous. In point of + money, the 39,000,000 dollar endowment of the University of Chicago, and + the $35,000,000 one of Columbia, and the $43,000,000 of Harvard seem to + leave Oxford nowhere. Yet the peculiar thing is that it is not nowhere. By + some queer process of its own it seems to get there every time. It was + therefore of the very greatest interest to me, as a profound scholar, to + try to investigate just how this peculiar excellence of Oxford arises. + </p> + <p> + It can hardly be due to anything in the curriculum or programme of + studies. Indeed, to any one accustomed to the best models of a university + curriculum as it flourishes in the United States and Canada, the programme + of studies is frankly quite laughable. There is less Applied Science in + the place than would be found with us in a theological college. Hardly a + single professor at Oxford would recognise a dynamo if he met it in broad + daylight. The Oxford student learns nothing of chemistry, physics, heat, + plumbing, electric wiring, gas-fitting or the use of a blow-torch. Any + American college student can run a motor car, take a gasoline engine to + pieces, fix a washer on a kitchen tap, mend a broken electric bell, and + give an expert opinion on what has gone wrong with the furnace. It is + these things indeed which stamp him as a college man, and occasion a very + pardonable pride in the minds of his parents. + </p> + <p> + But in all these things the Oxford student is the merest amateur. + </p> + <p> + This is bad enough. But after all one might say this is only the + mechanical side of education. True: but one searches in vain in the Oxford + curriculum for any adequate recognition of the higher and more cultured + studies. Strange though it seems to us on this side of the Atlantic, there + are no courses at Oxford in Housekeeping, or in Salesmanship, or in + Advertising, or on Comparative Religion, or on the influence of the Press. + There are no lectures whatever on Human Behaviour, on Altruism, on + Egotism, or on the Play of Wild Animals. Apparently, the Oxford student + does not learn these things. This cuts him off from a great deal of the + larger culture of our side of the Atlantic. "What are you studying this + year?" I once asked a fourth year student at one of our great colleges. "I + am electing Salesmanship and Religion," he answered. Here was a young man + whose training was destined inevitably to turn him into a moral business + man: either that or nothing. At Oxford Salesmanship is not taught and + Religion takes the feeble form of the New Testament. The more one looks at + these things the more amazing it becomes that Oxford can produce any + results at all. + </p> + <p> + The effect of the comparison is heightened by the peculiar position + occupied at Oxford by the professors' lectures. In the colleges of Canada + and the United States the lectures are supposed to be a really necessary + and useful part of the student's training. Again and again I have heard + the graduates of my own college assert that they had got as much, or + nearly as much, out of the lectures at college as out of athletics or the + Greek letter society or the Banjo and Mandolin Club. In short, with us the + lectures form a real part of the college life. At Oxford it is not so. The + lectures, I understand, are given and may even be taken. But they are + quite worthless and are not supposed to have anything much to do with the + development of the student's mind. "The lectures here," said a Canadian + student to me, "are punk." I appealed to another student to know if this + was so. "I don't know whether I'd call them exactly punk," he answered, + "but they're certainly rotten." Other judgments were that the lectures + were of no importance: that nobody took them: that they don't matter: that + you can take them if you like: that they do you no harm. + </p> + <p> + It appears further that the professors themselves are not keen on their + lectures. If the lectures are called for they give them; if not, the + professor's feelings are not hurt. He merely waits and rests his brain + until in some later year the students call for his lectures. There are men + at Oxford who have rested their brains this way for over thirty years: the + accumulated brain power thus dammed up is said to be colossal. + </p> + <p> + I understand that the key to this mystery is found in the operations of + the person called the tutor. It is from him, or rather with him, that the + students learn all that they know: one and all are agreed on that. Yet it + is a little odd to know just how he does it. "We go over to his rooms," + said one student, "and he just lights a pipe and talks to us." "We sit + round with him," said another, "and he simply smokes and goes over our + exercises with us." From this and other evidence I gather that what an + Oxford tutor does is to get a little group of students together and smoke + at them. Men who have been systematically smoked at for four years turn + into ripe scholars. If anybody doubts this, let him go to Oxford and he + can see the thing actually in operation. A well-smoked man speaks, and + writes English with a grace that can be acquired in no other way. + </p> + <p> + In what was said above, I seem to have been directing criticism against + the Oxford professors as such: but I have no intention of doing so. For + the Oxford professor and his whole manner of being I have nothing but a + profound respect. There is indeed the greatest difference between the + modern up-to-date American idea of a professor and the English type. But + even with us in older days, in the bygone time when such people as Henry + Wadsworth Longfellow were professors, one found the English idea; a + professor was supposed to be a venerable kind of person, with snow-white + whiskers reaching to his stomach. He was expected to moon around the + campus oblivious of the world around him. If you nodded to him he failed + to see you. Of money he knew nothing; of business, far less. He was, as + his trustees were proud to say of him, "a child." + </p> + <p> + On the other hand he contained within him a reservoir of learning of such + depth as to be practically bottomless. None of this learning was supposed + to be of any material or commercial benefit to anybody. Its use was in + saving the soul and enlarging the mind. + </p> + <p> + At the head of such a group of professors was one whose beard was even + whiter and longer, whose absence of mind was even still greater, and whose + knowledge of money, business, and practical affairs was below zero. Him + they made the president. + </p> + <p> + All this is changed in America. A university professor is now a busy, + hustling person, approximating as closely to a business man as he can do + it. It is on the business man that he models himself. He has a little + place that he calls his "office," with a typewriter machine and a + stenographer. Here he sits and dictates letters, beginning after the best + business models, "in re yours of the eighth ult., would say, etc., etc." + He writes these letters to students, to his fellow professors, to the + president, indeed to any people who will let him write to them. The number + of letters that he writes each month is duly counted and set to his + credit. If he writes enough he will get a reputation as an "executive," + and big things may happen to him. He may even be asked to step out of the + college and take a post as an "executive" in a soap company or an + advertising firm. The man, in short, is a "hustler," an "advertiser" whose + highest aim is to be a "live-wire." If he is not, he will presently be + dismissed, or, to use the business term, be "let go," by a board of + trustees who are themselves hustlers and live-wires. As to the professor's + soul, he no longer needs to think of it as it has been handed over along + with all the others to a Board of Censors. + </p> + <p> + The American professor deals with his students according to his lights. It + is his business to chase them along over a prescribed ground at a + prescribed pace like a flock of sheep. They all go humping together over + the hurdles with the professor chasing them with a set of "tests" and + "recitations," "marks" and "attendances," the whole apparatus obviously + copied from the time-clock of the business man's factory. This process is + what is called "showing results." The pace set is necessarily that of the + slowest, and thus results in what I have heard Mr. Edward Beatty describe + as the "convoy system of education." + </p> + <p> + In my own opinion, reached after fifty-two years of profound reflection, + this system contains in itself the seeds of destruction. It puts a premium + on dulness and a penalty on genius. It circumscribes that latitude of mind + which is the real spirit of learning. If we persist in it we shall + presently find that true learning will fly away from our universities and + will take rest wherever some individual and enquiring mind can mark out + its path for itself. + </p> + <p> + Now the principal reason why I am led to admire Oxford is that the place + is little touched as yet by the measuring of "results," and by this + passion for visible and provable "efficiency." The whole system at Oxford + is such as to put a premium on genius and to let mediocrity and dulness go + their way. On the dull student Oxford, after a proper lapse of time, + confers a degree which means nothing more than that he lived and breathed + at Oxford and kept out of jail. This for many students is as much as + society can expect. But for the gifted students Oxford offers great + opportunities. There is no question of his hanging back till the last + sheep has jumped over the fence. He need wait for no one. He may move + forward as fast as he likes, following the bent of his genius. If he has + in him any ability beyond that of the common herd, his tutor, interested + in his studies, will smoke at him until he kindles him into a flame. For + the tutor's soul is not harassed by herding dull students, with dismissal + hanging by a thread over his head in the class room. The American + professor has no time to be interested in a clever student. He has time to + be interested in his "deportment," his letter-writing, his executive work, + and his organising ability and his hope of promotion to a soap factory. + But with that his mind is exhausted. The student of genius merely means to + him a student who gives no trouble, who passes all his "tests," and is + present at all his "recitations." Such a student also, if he can be + trained to be a hustler and an advertiser, will undoubtedly "make good." + But beyond that the professor does not think of him. The everlasting + principle of equality has inserted itself in a place where it has no right + to be, and where inequality is the breath of life. + </p> + <p> + American or Canadian college trustees would be horrified at the notion of + professors who apparently do no work, give few or no lectures and draw + their pay merely for existing. Yet these are really the only kind of + professors worth having,—I mean, men who can be trusted with a vague + general mission in life, with a salary guaranteed at least till their + death, and a sphere of duties entrusted solely to their own consciences + and the promptings of their own desires. Such men are rare, but a single + one of them, when found, is worth ten "executives" and a dozen + "organisers." + </p> + <p> + The excellence of Oxford, then, as I see it, lies in the peculiar + vagueness of the organisation of its work. It starts from the assumption + that the professor is a really learned man whose sole interest lies in his + own sphere: and that a student, or at least the only student with whom the + university cares to reckon seriously, is a young man who desires to know. + This is an ancient mediaeval attitude long since buried in more up-to-date + places under successive strata of compulsory education, state teaching, + the democratisation of knowledge and the substitution of the shadow for + the substance, and the casket for the gem. No doubt, in newer places the + thing has got to be so. Higher education in America flourishes chiefly as + a qualification for entrance into a money-making profession, and not as a + thing in itself. But in Oxford one can still see the surviving outline of + a nobler type of structure and a higher inspiration. + </p> + <p> + I do not mean to say, however, that my judgment of Oxford is one undiluted + stream of praise. In one respect at least I think that Oxford has fallen + away from the high ideals of the Middle Ages. I refer to the fact that it + admits women students to its studies. In the Middle Ages women were + regarded with a peculiar chivalry long since lost. It was taken for + granted that their brains were too delicately poised to allow them to + learn anything. It was presumed that their minds were so exquisitely hung + that intellectual effort might disturb them. The present age has gone to + the other extreme: and this is seen nowhere more than in the crowding of + women into colleges originally designed for men. Oxford, I regret to find, + has not stood out against this change. + </p> + <p> + To a profound scholar like myself, the presence of these young women, many + of them most attractive, flittering up and down the streets of Oxford in + their caps and gowns, is very distressing. + </p> + <p> + Who is to blame for this and how they first got in I do not know. But I + understand that they first of all built a private college of their own + close to Oxford, and then edged themselves in foot by foot. If this is so + they only followed up the precedent of the recognised method in use in + America. When an American college is established, the women go and build a + college of their own overlooking the grounds. Then they put on becoming + caps and gowns and stand and look over the fence at the college athletics. + The male undergraduates, who were originally and by nature a hardy lot, + were not easily disturbed. But inevitably some of the senior trustees fell + in love with the first year girls and became convinced that coeducation + was a noble cause. American statistics show that between 1880 and 1900 the + number of trustees and senior professors who married girl undergraduates + or who wanted to do so reached a percentage of,—I forget the exact + percentage; it was either a hundred or a little over. + </p> + <p> + I don't know just what happened at Oxford but presumably something of the + sort took place. In any case the women are now all over the place. They + attend the college lectures, they row in a boat, and they perambulate the + High Street. They are even offering a serious competition against the men. + Last year they carried off the ping-pong championship and took the + chancellor's prize for needlework, while in music, cooking and millinery + the men are said to be nowhere. + </p> + <p> + There is no doubt that unless Oxford puts the women out while there is yet + time, they will overrun the whole university. What this means to the + progress of learning few can tell and those who know are afraid to say. + </p> + <p> + Cambridge University, I am glad to see, still sets its face sternly + against this innovation. I am reluctant to count any superiority in the + University of Cambridge. Having twice visited Oxford, having made the + place a subject of profound study for many hours at a time, having twice + addressed its undergraduates, and having stayed at the Mitre Hotel, I + consider myself an Oxford man. But I must admit that Cambridge has chosen + the wiser part. + </p> + <p> + Last autumn, while I was in London on my voyage of discovery, a vote was + taken at Cambridge to see if the women who have already a private college + nearby, should be admitted to the university. They were triumphantly shut + out; and as a fit and proper sign of enthusiasm the undergraduates went + over in a body and knocked down the gates of the women's college. I know + that it is a terrible thing to say that any one approved of this. All the + London papers came out with headings that read,—ARE OUR + UNDERGRADUATES TURNING INTO BABOONS? and so on. The Manchester Guardian + draped its pages in black and even the London Morning Post was afraid to + take bold ground in the matter. But I do know also that there was a great + deal of secret chuckling and jubilation in the London clubs. Nothing was + expressed openly. The men of England have been too terrorised by the women + for that. + </p> + <p> + But in safe corners of the club, out of earshot of the waiters and away + from casual strangers, little groups of elderly men chuckled quietly + together. "Knocked down their gates, eh?" said the wicked old men to one + another, and then whispered guiltily behind an uplifted hand, "Serve 'em + right." Nobody dared to say anything outside. If they had some one would + have got up and asked a question in the House of Commons. When this is + done all England falls flat upon its face. + </p> + <p> + But for my part when I heard of the Cambridge vote, I felt as Lord Chatham + did when he said in parliament, "Sir, I rejoice that America has + resisted." For I have long harboured views of my own upon the higher + education of women. In these days, however, it requires no little + hardihood to utter a single word of criticism against it. It is like + throwing half a brick through the glass roof of a conservatory. It is + bound to make trouble. Let me hasten, therefore, to say that I believe + most heartily in the higher education of women; in fact, the higher the + better. The only question to my mind is: What is "higher education" and + how do you get it? With which goes the secondary enquiry, What is a woman + and is she just the same as a man? I know that it sounds a terrible thing + to say in these days, but I don't believe she is. + </p> + <p> + Let me say also that when I speak of coeducation I speak of what I know. I + was coeducated myself some thirty-five years ago, at the very beginning of + the thing. I learned my Greek alongside of a bevy of beauty on the + opposite benches that mashed up the irregular verbs for us very badly. + Incidentally, those girls are all married long since, and all the Greek + they know now you could put under a thimble. But of that presently. + </p> + <p> + I have had further experience as well. I spent three years in the graduate + school of Chicago, where coeducational girls were as thick as autumn + leaves, and some thicker. And as a college professor at McGill University + in Montreal, I have taught mingled classes of men and women for twenty + years. + </p> + <p> + On the basis of which experience I say with assurance that the thing is a + mistake and has nothing to recommend it but its relative cheapness. Let me + emphasise this last point and have done with it. Coeducation is of course + a great economy. To teach ten men and ten women in a single class of + twenty costs only half as much as to teach two classes. Where economy must + rule, then, the thing has got to be. But where the discussion turns not on + what is cheapest, but on what is best, then the case is entirely + different. + </p> + <p> + The fundamental trouble is that men and women are different creatures, + with different minds and different aptitudes and different paths in life. + There is no need to raise here the question of which is superior and which + is inferior (though I think, the Lord help me, I know the answer to that + too). The point lies in the fact that they are different. + </p> + <p> + But the mad passion for equality has masked this obvious fact. When women + began to demand, quite rightly, a share in higher education, they took for + granted that they wanted the same curriculum as the men. They never + stopped to ask whether their aptitudes were not in various directions + higher and better than those of the men, and whether it might not be + better for their sex to cultivate the things which were best suited to + their minds. Let me be more explicit. In all that goes with physical and + mathematical science, women, on the average, are far below the standard of + men. There are, of course, exceptions. But they prove nothing. It is no + use to quote to me the case of some brilliant girl who stood first in + physics at Cornell. That's nothing. There is an elephant in the zoo that + can count up to ten, yet I refuse to reckon myself his inferior. + </p> + <p> + Tabulated results spread over years, and the actual experience of those + who teach show that in the whole domain of mathematics and physics women + are outclassed. At McGill the girls of our first year have wept over their + failures in elementary physics these twenty-five years. It is time that + some one dried their tears and took away the subject. + </p> + <p> + But, in any case, examination tests are never the whole story. To those + who know, a written examination is far from being a true criterion of + capacity. It demands too much of mere memory, imitativeness, and the + insidious willingness to absorb other people's ideas. Parrots and crows + would do admirably in examinations. Indeed, the colleges are full of them. + </p> + <p> + But take, on the other hand, all that goes with the aesthetic side of + education, with imaginative literature and the cult of beauty. Here women + are, or at least ought to be, the superiors of men. Women were in + primitive times the first story-tellers. They are still so at the cradle + side. The original college woman was the witch, with her incantations and + her prophecies and the glow of her bright imagination, and if brutal men + of duller brains had not burned it out of her, she would be incanting + still. To my thinking, we need more witches in the colleges and less + physics. + </p> + <p> + I have seen such young witches myself,—if I may keep the word: I + like it,—in colleges such as Wellesley in Massachusetts and Bryn + Mawr in Pennsylvania, where there isn't a man allowed within the three + mile limit. To my mind, they do infinitely better thus by themselves. They + are freer, less restrained. They discuss things openly in their classes; + they lift up their voices, and they speak, whereas a girl in such a place + as McGill, with men all about her, sits for four years as silent as a frog + full of shot. + </p> + <p> + But there is a deeper trouble still. The careers of the men and women who + go to college together are necessarily different, and the preparation is + all aimed at the man's career. The men are going to be lawyers, doctors, + engineers, business men, and politicians. And the women are not. + </p> + <p> + There is no use pretending about it. It may sound an awful thing to say, + but the women are going to be married. That is, and always has been, their + career; and, what is more, they know it; and even at college, while they + are studying algebra and political economy, they have their eye on it + sideways all the time. The plain fact is that, after a girl has spent four + years of her time and a great deal of her parents' money in equipping + herself for a career that she is never going to have, the wretched + creature goes and gets married, and in a few years she has forgotten which + is the hypotenuse of a right-angled triangle, and she doesn't care. She + has much better things to think of. + </p> + <p> + At this point some one will shriek: "But surely, even for marriage, isn't + it right that a girl should have a college education?" To which I hasten + to answer: most assuredly. I freely admit that a girl who knows algebra, + or once knew it, is a far more charming companion and a nobler wife and + mother than a girl who doesn't know x from y. But the point is this: Does + the higher education that fits a man to be a lawyer also fit a person to + be a wife and mother? Or, in other words, is a lawyer a wife and mother? I + say he is not. Granted that a girl is to spend four years in time and four + thousand dollars in money in going to college, why train her for a career + that she is never going to adopt? Why not give her an education that will + have a meaning and a harmony with the real life that she is to follow? + </p> + <p> + For example, suppose that during her four years every girl lucky enough to + get a higher education spent at least six months of it in the training and + discipline of a hospital as a nurse. There is more education and character + making in that than in a whole bucketful of algebra. + </p> + <p> + But no, the woman insists on snatching her share of an education designed + by Erasmus or William of Wykeham or William of Occam for the creation of + scholars and lawyers; and when later on in her home there is a sudden + sickness or accident, and the life or death of those nearest to her hangs + upon skill and knowledge and a trained fortitude in emergency, she must + needs send in all haste for a hired woman to fill the place that she + herself has never learned to occupy. + </p> + <p> + But I am not here trying to elaborate a whole curriculum. I am only trying + to indicate that higher education for the man is one thing, for the woman + another. Nor do I deny the fact that women have got to earn their living. + Their higher education must enable them to do that. They cannot all marry + on their graduation day. But that is no great matter. No scheme of + education that any one is likely to devise will fail in this respect. + </p> + <p> + The positions that they hold as teachers or civil servants they would fill + all the better if their education were fitted to their wants. + </p> + <p> + Some few, a small minority, really and truly "have a career,"—husbandless + and childless,—in which the sacrifice is great and the honour to + them, perhaps, all the higher. And others no doubt dream of a career in + which a husband and a group of blossoming children are carried as an + appendage to a busy life at the bar or on the platform. But all such are + the mere minority, so small as to make no difference to the general + argument. + </p> + <p> + But there—I have written quite enough to make plenty of trouble + except perhaps at Cambridge University. So I return with relief to my + general study of Oxford. Viewing the situation as a whole, I am led then + to the conclusion that there must be something in the life of Oxford + itself that makes for higher learning. Smoked at by his tutor, fed in + Henry VIII's kitchen, and sleeping in a tangle of ivy, the student + evidently gets something not easily obtained in America. And the more I + reflect on the matter the more I am convinced that it is the sleeping in + the ivy that does it. How different it is from student life as I remember + it! + </p> + <p> + When I was a student at the University of Toronto thirty years ago, I + lived,—from start to finish,—in seventeen different boarding + houses. As far as I am aware these houses have not, or not yet, been + marked with tablets. But they are still to be found in the vicinity of + McCaul and Darcy, and St. Patrick Streets. Any one who doubts the truth of + what I have to say may go and look at them. + </p> + <p> + I was not alone in the nomadic life that I led. There were hundreds of us + drifting about in this fashion from one melancholy habitation to another. + We lived as a rule two or three in a house, sometimes alone. We dined in + the basement. We always had beef, done up in some way after it was dead, + and there were always soda biscuits on the table. They used to have a + brand of soda biscuits in those days in the Toronto boarding houses that I + have not seen since. They were better than dog biscuits but with not so + much snap. My contemporaries will all remember them. A great many of the + leading barristers and professional men of Toronto were fed on them. + </p> + <p> + In the life we led we had practically no opportunities for association on + a large scale, no common rooms, no reading rooms, nothing. We never saw + the magazines,—personally I didn't even know the names of them. The + only interchange of ideas we ever got was by going over to the Caer Howell + Hotel on University Avenue and interchanging them there. + </p> + <p> + I mention these melancholy details not for their own sake but merely to + emphasise the point that when I speak of students' dormitories, and the + larger life which they offer, I speak of what I know. + </p> + <p> + If we had had at Toronto, when I was a student, the kind of dormitories + and dormitory life that they have at Oxford, I don't think I would ever + have graduated. I'd have been there still. The trouble is that the + universities on our Continent are only just waking up to the idea of what + a university should mean. They were, very largely, instituted and + organised with the idea that a university was a place where young men were + sent to absorb the contents of books and to listen to lectures in the + class rooms. The student was pictured as a pallid creature, burning what + was called the "midnight oil," his wan face bent over his desk. If you + wanted to do something for him you gave him a book: if you wanted to do + something really large on his behalf you gave him a whole basketful of + them. If you wanted to go still further and be a benefactor to the college + at large, you endowed a competitive scholarship and set two or more pallid + students working themselves to death to get it. + </p> + <p> + The real thing for the student is the life and environment that surrounds + him. All that he really learns he learns, in a sense, by the active + operation of his own intellect and not as the passive recipient of + lectures. And for this active operation what he really needs most is the + continued and intimate contact with his fellows. Students must live + together and eat together, talk and smoke together. Experience shows that + that is how their minds really grow. And they must live together in a + rational and comfortable way. They must eat in a big dining room or hall, + with oak beams across the ceiling, and the stained glass in the windows, + and with a shield or tablet here or there upon the wall, to remind them + between times of the men who went before them and left a name worthy of + the memory of the college. If a student is to get from his college what it + ought to give him, a college dormitory, with the life in common that it + brings, is his absolute right. A university that fails to give it to him + is cheating him. + </p> + <p> + If I were founding a university—and I say it with all the + seriousness of which I am capable—I would found first a smoking + room; then when I had a little more money in hand I would found a + dormitory; then after that, or more probably with it, a decent reading + room and a library. After that, if I still had money over that I couldn't + use, I would hire a professor and get some text books. + </p> + <p> + This chapter has sounded in the most part like a continuous eulogy of + Oxford with but little in favour of our American colleges. I turn + therefore with pleasure to the more congenial task of showing what is + wrong with Oxford and with the English university system generally, and + the aspect in which our American universities far excell the British. + </p> + <p> + The point is that Henry VIII is dead. The English are so proud of what + Henry VIII and the benefactors of earlier centuries did for the + universities that they forget the present. There is little or nothing in + England to compare with the magnificent generosity of individuals, + provinces and states, which is building up the colleges of the United + States and Canada. There used to be. But by some strange confusion of + thought the English people admire the noble gifts of Cardinal Wolsey and + Henry VIII and Queen Margaret, and do not realise that the Carnegies and + Rockefellers and the William Macdonalds are the Cardinal Wolseys of + to-day. The University of Chicago was founded upon oil. McGill University + rests largely on a basis of tobacco. In America the world of commerce and + business levies on itself a noble tribute in favour of the higher + learning. In England, with a few conspicuous exceptions, such as that at + Bristol, there is little of the sort. The feudal families are content with + what their remote ancestors have done: they do not try to emulate it in + any great degree. + </p> + <p> + In the long run this must count. Of all the various reforms that are + talked of at Oxford, and of all the imitations of American methods that + are suggested, the only one worth while, to my thinking, is to capture a + few millionaires, give them honorary degrees at a million pounds sterling + apiece, and tell them to imagine that they are Henry the Eighth. I give + Oxford warning that if this is not done the place will not last another + two centuries. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VI. The British and the American Press + </h2> + <p> + THE only paper from which a man can really get the news of the world in a + shape that he can understand is the newspaper of his own "home town." For + me, unless I can have the Montreal Gazette at my breakfast, and the + Montreal Star at my dinner, I don't really know what is happening. In the + same way I have seen a man from the south of Scotland settle down to read + the Dumfries Chronicle with a deep sigh of satisfaction: and a man from + Burlington, Vermont, pick up the Burlington Eagle and study the foreign + news in it as the only way of getting at what was really happening in + France and Germany. + </p> + <p> + The reason is, I suppose, that there are different ways of serving up the + news and we each get used to our own. Some people like the news fed to + them gently: others like it thrown at them in a bombshell: some prefer it + to be made as little of as possible; they want it minimised: others want + the maximum. + </p> + <p> + This is where the greatest difference lies between the British newspapers + and those of the United States and Canada. With us in America the great + thing is to get the news and shout it at the reader; in England they get + the news and then break it to him as gently as possible. Hence the big + headings, the bold type, and the double columns of the American paper, and + the small headings and the general air of quiet and respectability of the + English Press. + </p> + <p> + It is quite beside the question to ask which is the better. Neither is. + They are different things: that's all. The English newspaper is designed + to be read quietly, propped up against the sugar bowl of a man eating a + slow breakfast in a quiet corner of a club, or by a retired banker seated + in a leather chair nearly asleep, or by a country vicar sitting in a + wicker chair under a pergola. The American paper is for reading by a man + hanging on the straps of a clattering subway express, by a man eating at a + lunch counter, by a man standing on one leg, by a man getting a two-minute + shave, or by a man about to have his teeth drawn by a dentist. + </p> + <p> + In other words, there is a difference of atmosphere. It is not merely in + the type and the lettering, it is a difference in the way the news is + treated and the kind of words that are used. In America we love such words + as "gun-men" and "joy-ride" and "death-cell": in England they prefer + "person of doubtful character" and "motor travelling at excessive speed" + and "corridor No. 6." If a milk-waggon collides in the street with a + coal-cart, we write that a "life-waggon" has struck a "death-cart." We + call a murderer a "thug" or a "gun-man" or a "yeg-man." In England they + simply call him "the accused who is a grocer's assistant in Houndsditch." + That designation would knock any decent murder story to pieces. + </p> + <p> + Hence comes the great difference between the American "lead" or opening + sentence of the article, and the English method of commencement. In the + American paper the idea is that the reader is so busy that he must first + be offered the news in one gulp. After that if he likes it he can go on + and eat some more of it. So the opening sentence must give the whole + thing. Thus, suppose that a leading member of the United States Congress + has committed suicide. This is the way in which the American reporter + deals with it. + </p> + <p> + "Seated in his room at the Grand Hotel with his carpet slippers on his + feet and his body wrapped in a blue dressing-gown with pink insertions, + after writing a letter of farewell to his wife and emptying a bottle of + Scotch whisky in which he exonerated her from all culpability in his + death, Congressman Ahasuerus P. Tigg was found by night-watchman, Henry T. + Smith, while making his rounds as usual with four bullets in his stomach." + </p> + <p> + Now let us suppose that a leading member of the House of Commons in + England had done the same thing. Here is the way it would be written up in + a first-class London newspaper. + </p> + <p> + The heading would be HOME AND GENERAL INTELLIGENCE. That is inserted so as + to keep the reader soothed and quiet and is no doubt thought better than + the American heading BUGHOUSE CONGRESSMAN BLOWS OUT BRAINS IN HOTEL. After + the heading HOME AND GENERAL INTELLIGENCE the English paper runs the + subheading INCIDENT AT THE GRAND HOTEL. The reader still doesn't know what + happened; he isn't meant to. Then the article begins like this: + </p> + <p> + "The Grand Hotel, which is situated at the corner of Millbank and Victoria + Streets, was the scene last night of a distressing incident." + </p> + <p> + "What is it?" thinks the reader. "The hotel itself, which is an old + Georgian structure dating probably from about 1750, is a quiet + establishment, its clientele mainly drawn from business men in the + cattle-droving and distillery business from South Wales." + </p> + <p> + "What happened?" thinks the reader. + </p> + <p> + "Its cuisine has long been famous for the excellence of its boiled + shrimps." + </p> + <p> + "What happened?" + </p> + <p> + "While the hotel itself is also known as the meeting place of the Surbiton + Harmonic Society and other associations." + </p> + <p> + "What happened?" + </p> + <p> + "Among the more prominent of the guests of the hotel has been numbered + during the present Parliamentary session Mr. Llewylln Ap. Jones, M.P., for + South Llanfydd. Mr. Jones apparently came to his room last night at about + ten P.M., and put on his carpet slippers and his blue dressing gown. He + then seems to have gone to the cupboard and taken from it a whisky bottle + which however proved to be empty. The unhappy gentleman then apparently + went to bed..." + </p> + <p> + At that point the American reader probably stops reading, thinking that he + has heard it all. The unhappy man found that the bottle was empty and went + to bed: very natural: and the affair very properly called a "distressing + incident": quite right. But the trained English reader would know that + there was more to come and that the air of quiet was only assumed, and he + would read on and on until at last the tragic interest heightened, the + four shots were fired, with a good long pause after each for discussion of + the path of the bullet through Mr. Ap. Jones. + </p> + <p> + I am not saying that either the American way or the British way is the + better. They are just two different ways, that's all. But the result is + that anybody from the United States or Canada reading the English papers + gets the impression that nothing is happening: and an English reader of + our newspapers with us gets the idea that the whole place is in a tumult. + </p> + <p> + When I was in London I used always, in glancing at the morning papers, to + get a first impression that the whole world was almost asleep. There was, + for example, a heading called INDIAN INTELLIGENCE that showed, on close + examination, that two thousand Parsees had died of the blue plague, that a + powder boat had blown up at Bombay, that some one had thrown a couple of + bombs at one of the provincial governors, and that four thousand agitators + had been sentenced to twenty years hard labour each. But the whole thing + was just called "Indian Intelligence." Similarly, there was a little item + called, "Our Chinese Correspondent." That one explained ten lines down, in + very small type, that a hundred thousand Chinese had been drowned in a + flood. And there was another little item labelled "Foreign Gossip," under + which was mentioned that the Pope was dead, and that the President of + Paraguay had been assassinated. + </p> + <p> + In short, I got the impression that I was living in an easy drowsy world, + as no doubt the editor meant me to. It was only when the Montreal Star + arrived by post that I felt that the world was still revolving pretty + rapidly on its axis and that there was still something doing. + </p> + <p> + As with the world news so it is with the minor events of ordinary life,—birth, + death, marriage, accidents, crime. Let me give an illustration. Suppose + that in a suburb of London a housemaid has endeavoured to poison her + employer's family by putting a drug in the coffee. Now on our side of the + water we should write that little incident up in a way to give it life, + and put headings over it that would capture the reader's attention in a + minute. We should begin it thus: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + PRETTY PARLOR MAID + DEALS DEATH-DRINK + TO CLUBMAN'S FAMILY +</pre> + <p> + The English reader would ask at once, how do we know that the parlor maid + is pretty? We don't. But our artistic sense tells us that she ought to be. + Pretty parlor maids are the only ones we take any interest in: if an ugly + parlor maid poisoned her employer's family we should hang her. Then again, + the English reader would say, how do we know that the man is a clubman? + Have we ascertained this fact definitely, and if so, of what club or clubs + is he a member? Well, we don't know, except in so far as the thing is + self-evident. Any man who has romance enough in his life to be poisoned by + a pretty housemaid ought to be in a club. That's the place for him. In + fact, with us the word club man doesn't necessarily mean a man who belongs + to a club: it is defined as a man who is arrested in a gambling den; or + fined for speeding a motor or who shoots another person in a hotel + corridor. Therefore this man must be a club man. Having settled the + heading, we go on with the text: + </p> + <p> + "Brooding over love troubles which she has hitherto refused to divulge + under the most grilling fusillade of rapid-fire questions shot at her by + the best brains of the New York police force, Miss Mary De Forrest, a + handsome brunette thirty-six inches around the hips, employed as a parlor + maid in the residence of Mr. Spudd Bung, a well-known clubman forty-two + inches around the chest, was arrested yesterday by the flying squad of the + emergency police after having, so it is alleged, put four ounces of + alleged picrate of potash into the alleged coffee of her employer's + family's alleged breakfast at their residence on Hudson Heights in the + most fashionable quarter of the metropolis. Dr. Slink, the leading + fashionable practitioner of the neighbourhood who was immediately summoned + said that but for his own extraordinary dexterity and promptness the death + of the whole family, if not of the entire entourage, was a certainty. The + magistrate in committing Miss De Forrest for trial took occasion to + enlarge upon her youth and attractive appearance: he castigated the moving + pictures severely and said that he held them together with the public + school system and the present method of doing the hair, directly + responsible for the crimes of the kind alleged." + </p> + <p> + Now when you read this over you begin to feel that something big has + happened. Here is a man like Dr. Slink, all quivering with promptness and + dexterity. Here is an inserted picture, a photograph, a brick house in a + row marked with a cross (+) and labelled "The Bung Residence as. it + appeared immediately after the alleged outrage." It isn't really. It is + just a photograph that we use for this sort of thing and have grown to + like. It is called sometimes:—"Residence of Senator Borah" or "Scene + of the Recent Spiritualistic Manifestations" or anything of the sort. As + long as it is marked with a cross (+) the reader will look at it with + interest. + </p> + <p> + In other words we make something out of an occurrence like this. It + doesn't matter if it all fades out afterwards when it appears that Mary De + Forrest merely put ground allspice into the coffee in mistake for powdered + sugar and that the family didn't drink it anyway. The reader has already + turned to other mysteries. + </p> + <p> + But contrast the pitifully tame way in which the same event is written up + in England. Here it is: + </p> + <p> + SUBURBAN ITEM + </p> + <p> + "Yesterday at the police court of Surbiton-on-Thames Mary Forrester, a + servant in the employ of Mr. S. Bung was taken into custody on a charge of + having put a noxious preparation, possibly poison, into the coffee of her + employer's family. The young woman was remanded for a week." + </p> + <p> + Look at that. Mary Forrester a servant? + </p> + <p> + How wide was she round the chest? It doesn't say. Mr. S. Bung? Of what + club was he a member? None, apparently. Then who cares if he is poisoned? + And "the young woman!" What a way to speak of a decent girl who never did + any other harm than to poison a club man. And the English magistrate! What + a tame part he must have played: his name indeed doesn't occur at all: + apparently he didn't enlarge on the girl's good looks, or "comment on her + attractive appearance," or anything. I don't suppose that he even asked + Mary Forrester out to lunch with him. + </p> + <p> + Notice also that, according to the English way of writing the thing up, as + soon as the girl was remanded for a week the incident is closed. The + English reporter doesn't apparently know enough to follow Miss De Forrest + to her home (called "the De Forrest Residence" and marked with a cross, + +). The American reporter would make certain to supplement what went above + with further information of this fashion. "Miss De Forrest when seen later + at her own home by a representative of The Eagle said that she regretted + very much having been put to the necessity of poisoning Mr. Bung. She had + in the personal sense nothing against Mr. Bung and apart from poisoning + him she had every respect for Mr. Bung. Miss De Forrest, who talks + admirably on a variety of topics, expressed herself as warmly in favour of + the League of Nations and as a devotee of the short ballot and + proportional representation." + </p> + <p> + Any American reader who studies the English Press comes upon these wasted + opportunities every day. There are indeed certain journals of a newer type + which are doing their best to imitate us. But they don't really get it + yet. They use type up to about one inch and after that they get afraid. + </p> + <p> + I hope that in describing the spirit of the English Press I do not seem to + be writing with any personal bitterness. I admit that there might be a + certain reason for such a bias. During my stay in England I was most + anxious to appear as a contributor to some of the leading papers. This is, + with the English, a thing that always adds prestige. To be able to call + oneself a "contributor" to the Times or to Punch or the Morning Post or + the Spectator, is a high honour. I have met these "contributors" all over + the British Empire. Some, I admit, look strange. An ancient wreck in the + back bar of an Ontario tavern (ancient regime) has told me that he was a + contributor to the Times: the janitor of the building where I lived admits + that he is a contributor to Punch: a man arrested in Bristol for vagrancy + while I was in England pleaded that he was a contributor to the Spectator. + In fact, it is an honour that everybody seems to be able to get but me. + </p> + <p> + I had often tried before I went to England to contribute to the great + English newspapers. I had never succeeded. But I hoped that while in + England itself the very propinquity of the atmosphere, I mean the very + contiguity of the surroundings, would render the attempt easier. I tried + and I failed. My failure was all the more ignominious in that I had very + direct personal encouragement. "By all means," said the editor of the + London Times, "do some thing for us while you are here. Best of all, do + something in a political way; that's rather our special line." I had + already received almost an identical encouragement from the London Morning + Post, and in a more qualified way from the Manchester Guardian. In short, + success seemed easy. + </p> + <p> + I decided therefore to take some simple political event of the peculiar + kind that always makes a stir in English politics and write it up for + these English papers. To simplify matters I thought it better to use one + and the same incident and write it up in three different ways and get paid + for it three, times. All of those who write for the Press will understand + the motive at once. I waited therefore and watched the papers to see if + anything interesting might happen to the Ahkoond of Swat or the Sandjak of + Novi Bazar or any other native potentate. Within a couple of days I got + what I wanted in the following item, which I need hardly say is taken word + for word from the Press despatches: + </p> + <p> + "Perim, via Bombay. News comes by messenger that the Shriek of Kowfat who + has been living under the convention of 1898 has violated the modus + operandi. He is said to have torn off his suspenders, dipped himself in + oil and proclaimed a Jehad. The situation is critical." + </p> + <p> + Everybody who knows England knows that this is just the kind of news that + the English love. On our side of the Atlantic we should be bothered by the + fact that we did not know where Kowfat is, nor what was the convention of + 1898. They are not. They just take it for granted that Kowfat is one of + the many thousand places that they "own," somewhere in the outer darkness. + They have so many Kowfats that they cannot keep track of them. + </p> + <p> + I knew therefore that everybody would be interested in any discussion of + what was at once called "the Kowfat Crisis" and I wrote it up. I resisted + the temptation to begin after the American fashion, "Shriek sheds + suspenders," and suited the writing, as I thought, to the market I was + writing for. I wrote up the incident for the Morning Post after the + following fashion: + </p> + <p> + "The news from Kowfat affords one more instance of a painful back-down on + the part of the Government. Our policy of spineless supineness is now + reaping its inevitable reward. To us there is only one thing to be done. + If the Shriek has torn off his suspenders he must be made to put them on + again. We have always held that where the imperial prestige of this + country is concerned there is no room for hesitation. In the present + instance our prestige is at stake: the matter involves our reputation in + the eyes of the surrounding natives, the Bantu Hottentots, the Negritos, + the Dwarf Men of East Abyssinia, and the Dog Men of Darfur. What will they + think of us? If we fail in this crisis their notion of us will fall fifty + per cent. In our opinion this country cannot stand a fifty per cent drop + in the estimation of the Dog Men. The time is one that demands action. An + ultimatum should be sent at once to the Shriek of Kowfat. If he has one + already we should send him another. He should be made at once to put on + his suspenders. The oil must be scraped off him, and he must be told + plainly that if a pup like him tries to start a Jehad he will have to deal + with the British Navy. We call the Shriek a pup in no sense of belittling + him as our imperial ally but because we consider that the present is no + time for half words and we do not regard pup as half a word. Events such + as the present, rocking the Empire to its base, make one long for the + spacious days of a Salisbury or a Queen Elizabeth, or an Alfred the Great + or a Julius Caesar. We doubt whether the present Cabinet is in this + class." + </p> + <p> + Not to lose any time in the coming and going of the mail, always a serious + thought for the contributor to the Press waiting for a cheque, I sent + another editorial on the same topic to the Manchester Guardian. It ran as + follows: + </p> + <p> + "The action of the Shriek of Kowfat in proclaiming a Jehad against us is + one that amply justifies all that we have said editorially since Jeremy + Bentham died. We have always held that the only way to deal with a + Mohammedan potentate like the Shriek is to treat him like a Christian. The + Khalifate of Kowfat at present buys its whole supply of cotton piece goods + in our market and pays cash. The Shriek, who is a man of enlightenment, + has consistently upheld the principles of Free Trade. Not only are our + exports of cotton piece goods, bibles, rum, and beads constantly + increasing, but they are more than offset by our importation from Kowfat + of ivory, rubber, gold, and oil. In short, we have never seen the + principles of Free Trade better illustrated. The Shriek, it is now + reported, refuses to wear the braces presented to him by our envoy at the + time of his coronation five years ago. He is said to have thrown them into + the mud. But we have no reason to suppose that this is meant as a blow at + our prestige. It may be that after five years of use the little pulleys of + the braces no longer work properly. We have ourselves in our personal life + known instances of this, and can speak of the sense of irritation + occasioned. Even we have thrown on the floor ours. And in any case, as we + have often reminded our readers, what is prestige? If any one wants to hit + us, let him hit us right there. We regard a blow at our trade as far more + deadly than a blow at our prestige. + </p> + <p> + "The situation as we see it demands immediate reparation on our part. The + principal grievance of the Shriek arises from the existence of our fort + and garrison on the Kowfat river. Our proper policy is to knock down the + fort, and either remove the garrison or give it to the Shriek. We are + convinced that as soon as the Shriek realises that we are prepared to + treat him in the proper Christian spirit, he will at once respond with + true Mohammedan generosity. + </p> + <p> + "We have further to remember that in what we do we are being observed by + the neighbouring tribes, the Negritos, the Dwarf Men, and the Dog Men of + Darfur. These are not only shrewd observers but substantial customers. The + Dwarf Men at present buy all their cotton on the Manchester market and the + Dog Men depend on us for their soap. + </p> + <p> + "The present crisis is one in which the nation needs statesmanship and a + broad outlook upon the world. In the existing situation we need not the + duplicity of a Machiavelli, but the commanding prescience of a Gladstone + or an Alfred the Great, or a Julius Caesar. Luckily we have exactly this + type of man at the head of affairs." + </p> + <p> + After completing the above I set to work without delay on a similar + exercise for the London Times. The special excellence of the Times, as + everybody knows is its fulness of information. For generations past the + Times has commanded a peculiar minuteness of knowledge about all parts of + the Empire. It is the proud boast of this great journal that to whatever + far away, outlandish part of the Empire you may go, you will always find a + correspondent of the Times looking for something to do. It is said that + the present proprietor has laid it down as his maxim, "I don't want men + who think; I want men who know." The arrangements for thinking are made + separately. + </p> + <p> + Incidentally I may say that I had personal opportunities while I was in + England of realising that the reputation of the Times staff for the + possession of information is well founded. Dining one night with some + members of the staff, I happened to mention Saskatchewan. One of the + editors at the other end of the table looked up at the mention of the + name. "Saskatchewan," he said, "ah, yes; that's not far from Alberta, is + it?" and then turned quietly to his food again. When I remind the reader + that Saskatchewan is only half an inch from Alberta he may judge of the + nicety of the knowledge involved. Having all this in mind, I recast the + editorial and sent it to the London Times as follows: + </p> + <p> + "The news that the Sultan of Kowfat has thrown away his suspenders renders + it of interest to indicate the exact spot where he has thrown them. (See + map). Kowfat, lying as the reader knows, on the Kowfat River, occupies the + hinterland between the back end of south-west Somaliland and the east, + that is to say, the west, bank of Lake P'schu. It thus forms an enclave + between the Dog Men of Darfur and the Negritos of T'chk. The inhabitants + of Kowfat are a coloured race three quarters negroid and more than three + quarters tabloid. + </p> + <p> + "As a solution of the present difficulty, the first thing required in our + opinion is to send out a boundary commission to delineate more exactly + still just where Kowfat is. After that an ethnographical survey might be + completed." + </p> + <p> + It was a matter not only of concern but of surprise to me that not one of + the three contributions recited above was accepted by the English Press. + The Morning Post complained that my editorial was not firm enough in tone, + the Guardian that it was not humane enough, the Times that I had left out + the latitude and longitude always expected by their readers. I thought it + not worth while to bother to revise the articles as I had meantime + conceived the idea that the same material might be used in the most + delightfully amusing way as the basis of a poem far Punch. Everybody knows + the kind of verses that are contributed to Punch by Sir Owen Seaman and + Mr. Charles Graves and men of that sort. And everybody has been struck, as + I have, by the extraordinary easiness of the performance. All that one + needs is to get some odd little incident, such as the revolt of the Sultan + of Kowfat, make up an amusing title, and then string the verses together + in such a way as to make rhymes with all the odd words that come into the + narrative. In fact, the thing is ease itself. + </p> + <p> + I therefore saw a glorious chance with the Sultan of Kowfat. Indeed, I + fairly chuckled to myself when I thought what amusing rhymes could be made + with "Negritos," "modus operandi" and "Dog Men of Darfur." I can scarcely + imagine anything more excruciatingly funny than the rhymes which can be + made with them. And as for the title, bringing in the word Kowfat or some + play upon it, the thing is perfectly obvious. The idea amused me so much + that I set to work at the poem at once. + </p> + <p> + I am sorry to say that I failed to complete it. Not that I couldn't have + done so, given time; I am quite certain that if I had had about two years + I could have done it. The main structure of the poem, however, is here and + I give it for what it is worth. Even as it is it strikes me as + extraordinarily good. Here it is: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Title + + ...................... Kowfat + + Verse One + + .........................., + ............... modus operandi; + .........................., + .................., Negritos: + ....................... P'shu. + + Verse Two + + ..................... Khalifate; + ............. Dog Men of Darfur: + ....................... T'chk. +</pre> + <p> + Excellent little thing, isn't it? All it needs is the rhymes. As far as it + goes it has just exactly the ease and the sweep required. And if some one + will tell me how Owen Seaman and those people get the rest of the ease and + the sweep I'll be glad to put it in. + </p> + <p> + One further experiment of the same sort I made with the English Press in + another direction and met again with failure. If there is one paper in the + world for which I have respect and—if I may say it—an + affection, it is the London Spectator. I suppose that I am only one of + thousands and thousands of people who feel that way. Why under the + circumstances the Spectator failed to publish my letter I cannot say. I + wanted no money for it: I only wanted the honour of seeing it inserted + beside the letter written from the Rectory, Hops, Hants, or the Shrubbery, + Potts, Shrops,—I mean from one of those places where the readers of + the Spectator live. I thought too that my letter had just the right touch. + However, they wouldn't take it: something wrong with it somewhere, I + suppose. This is it: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To the Editor, + The Spectator, + London, England. + + Dear Sir, + + Your correspondence of last week contained such interesting + information in regard to the appearance of the first cowslip + in Kensington Common that I trust that I may, without + fatiguing your readers to the point of saturation, narrate + a somewhat similar and I think, sir, an equally interesting + experience of my own. While passing through Lambeth Gardens + yesterday towards the hour of dusk I observed a crow with + one leg sitting beside the duck-pond and apparently lost in + thought. There was no doubt that the bird was of the + species pulex hibiscus, an order which is becoming + singularly rare in the vicinity of the metropolis. Indeed, + so far as I am aware, the species has not been seen in + London since 1680. I may say that on recognising the bird I + drew as near as I could, keeping myself behind the + shrubbery, but the pulex hibiscus which apparently caught a + brief glimpse of my face uttered a cry of distress and flew + away. + + I am, sir, + Believe me, + yours, sir, + O.Y. Botherwithit. + (Ret'd Major Burmese Army.); +</pre> + <p> + Distressed by these repeated failures, I sank back to a lower level of + English literary work, the puzzle department. For some reason or other the + English delight in puzzles. It is, I think, a part of the peculiar + school-boy pedantry which is the reverse side of their literary genius. I + speak with a certain bitterness because in puzzle work I met with no + success whatever. My solutions were never acknowledged, never paid for, in + fact they were ignored. But I append two or three of them here, with + apologies to the editors of the Strand and other papers who should have + had the honour of publishing them first. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Puzzle I +</pre> + <p> + Can you fold a square piece of paper in such a way that with a single fold + it forms a pentagon? + </p> + <p> + My Solution: Yes, if I knew what a pentagon was. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Puzzle II +</pre> + <p> + A and B agree to hold a walking match across an open meadow, each seeking + the shortest line. A, walking from corner to corner, may be said to + diangulate the hypotenuse of the meadow. B, allowing for a slight rise in + the ground, walks on an obese tabloid. Which wins? + </p> + <p> + My Solution: Frankly, I don't know. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Puzzle III +</pre> + <p> + (With apologies to the Strand.) + </p> + <p> + A rope is passed over a pulley. It has a weight at one end and a monkey at + the other. There is the same length of rope on either side and equilibrium + is maintained. The rope weighs four ounces per foot. The age of the monkey + and the age of the monkey's mother together total four years. The weight + of the monkey is as many pounds as the monkey's mother is years old. The + monkey's mother was twice as old as the monkey was when the monkey's + mother was half as old as the monkey will be when the monkey is three + times as old as the monkey's mother was when the monkey's mother was three + times as old as the monkey. The weight of the rope with the weight at the + end was half as much again as the difference in weight between the weight + of the weight and the weight of the monkey. Now, what was the length of + the rope? + </p> + <p> + My Solution: I should think it would have to be a rope of a fairly good + length. + </p> + <p> + In only one department of English journalism have I met with a decided + measure of success; I refer to the juvenile competition department. This + is a sort of thing to which the English are especially addicted. As a + really educated nation for whom good literature begins in the home they + encourage in every way literary competitions among the young readers of + their journals. At least half a dozen of the well-known London periodicals + carry on this work. The prizes run all the way from one shilling to half a + guinea and the competitions are generally open to all children from three + to six years of age. It was here that I saw my open opportunity and seized + it. I swept in prize after prize. As "Little Agatha" I got four shillings + for the best description of Autumn in two lines, and one shilling for + guessing correctly the missing letters in BR-STOL, SH-FFIELD, and H-LL. A + lot of the competitors fell down on H-LL. I got six shillings for giving + the dates of the Norman Conquest,—1492 A.D., and the Crimean War of + 1870. In short, the thing was easy. I might say that to enter these + competitions one has to have a certificate of age from a member of the + clergy. But I know a lot of them. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VII. Business in England. Wanted—More Profiteers + </h2> + <p> + It is hardly necessary to say that so shrewd an observer as I am could not + fail to be struck by the situation of business in England. Passing through + the factory towns and noticing that no smoke came from the tall chimneys + and that the doors of the factories were shut, I was led to the conclusion + that they were closed. + </p> + <p> + Observing that the streets of the industrial centres were everywhere + filled with idle men, I gathered that they were unemployed: and when I + learned that the moving picture houses were full to the doors every day + and that the concert halls, beer gardens, grand opera, and religious + concerts were crowded to suffocation, I inferred that the country was + suffering from an unparalleled depression. This diagnosis turned out to be + absolutely correct. It has been freely estimated that at the time I refer + to almost two million men were out of work. + </p> + <p> + But it does not require government statistics to prove that in England at + the present day everybody seems poor, just as in the United States + everybody, to the eye of the visitor, seems to be rich. In England nobody + seems to be able to afford anything: in the United States everybody seems + to be able to afford everything. In England nobody smokes cigars: in + America everybody does. On the English railways the first class carriages + are empty: in the United States the "reserved drawingrooms" are full. + Poverty no doubt is only a relative matter: but a man whose income used to + be 10,000 a year and is now 5,000, is living in "reduced circumstances": + he feels himself just as poor as the man whose income has been cut from + five thousand pounds to three, or from five hundred pounds to two. They + are all in the same boat. What with the lowering of dividends and the + raising of the income tax, the closing of factories, feeding the + unemployed and trying to employ the unfed, things are in a bad way. + </p> + <p> + The underlying cause is plain enough. The economic distress that the world + suffers now is the inevitable consequence of the war. Everybody knows + that. But where the people differ is in regard to what is going to happen + next, and what we must do about it. Here opinion takes a variety of forms. + Some people blame it on the German mark: by permitting their mark to fall, + the Germans, it is claimed, are taking away all the business from England; + the fall of the mark, by allowing the Germans to work harder and eat less + than the English, is threatening to drive the English out of house and + home: if the mark goes on falling still further the Germans will thereby + outdo us also in music, literature and in religion. What has got to be + done, therefore, is to force the Germans to lift the mark up again, and + make them pay up their indemnity. + </p> + <p> + Another more popular school of thought holds to an entirely contrary + opinion. The whole trouble, they say, comes from the sad collapse of + Germany. These unhappy people, having been too busy for four years in + destroying valuable property in France and Belgium to pay attention to + their home affairs, now find themselves collapsed: it is our first duty to + pick them up again. The English should therefore take all the money they + can find and give it to the Germans. By this means German trade and + industry will revive to such an extent that the port of Hamburg will be + its old bright self again and German waiters will reappear in the London + hotels. After that everything will be all right. + </p> + <p> + Speaking with all the modesty of an outsider and a transient visitor, I + give it as my opinion that the trouble is elsewhere. The danger of + industrial collapse in England does not spring from what is happening in + Germany but from what is happening in England itself. England, like most + of the other countries in the world, is suffering from the over-extension + of government and the decline of individual self-help. For six generations + industry in England and America has flourished on individual effort called + out by the prospect of individual gain. Every man acquired from his + boyhood the idea that he must look after himself. Morally, physically and + financially that was the recognised way of getting on. The desire to make + a fortune was regarded as a laudable ambition, a proper stimulus to + effort. The ugly word "profiteer" had not yet been coined. There was no + income tax to turn a man's pockets inside out and take away his savings. + The world was to the strong. + </p> + <p> + Under the stimulus of this the wheels of industry hummed. Factories + covered the land. National production grew to a colossal size and the + whole outer world seemed laid under a tribute to the great industry. As a + system it was far from perfect. It contained in itself all kinds of gross + injustices, demands that were too great, wages that were too small; in + spite of the splendour of the foreground, poverty and destitution hovered + behind the scenes. But such as it was, the system worked: and it was the + only one that we knew. + </p> + <p> + Or turn to another aspect of this same principle of self-help. The way to + acquire knowledge in the early days was to buy a tallow candle and read a + book after one's day's work, as Benjamin Franklin read or Lincoln: and + when the soul was stimulated to it, then the aspiring youth must save + money, put himself to college, live on nothing, think much, and in the + course of this starvation and effort become a learned man, with somehow a + peculiar moral fibre in him not easily reproduced to-day. For to-day the + candle is free and the college is free and the student has a "Union" like + the profiteer's club and a swimming-bath and a Drama League and a + coeducational society at his elbow for which he buys Beauty Roses at five + dollars a bunch. + </p> + <p> + Or turn if one will to the moral side. The older way of being good was by + much prayer and much effort of one's own soul. Now it is done by a Board + of Censors. There is no need to fight sin by the power of the spirit: let + the Board of Censors do it. They together with three or four kinds of + Commissioners are supposed to keep sin at arm's length and to supply a + first class legislative guarantee of righteousness. As a short cut to + morality and as a way of saving individual effort our legislatures are + turning out morality legislation by the bucketful. The legislature + regulates our drink, it begins already to guard us against the deadly + cigarette, it regulates here and there the length of our skirts, it + safeguards our amusements and in two states of the American Union it even + proposes to save us from the teaching of the Darwinian Theory of + evolution. The ancient prayer "Lead us not into temptation" is passing out + of date. The way to temptation is declared closed by Act of Parliament and + by amendment to the constitution of the United States. Yet oddly enough + the moral tone of the world fails to respond. The world is apparently more + full of thugs, hold-up men, yeg-men, bandits, motor-thieves, + porch-climbers, spotters, spies and crooked policemen than it ever was; + till it almost seems that the slow, old-fashioned method of an effort of + the individual soul may be needed still before the world is made good. + </p> + <p> + This vast new system, the system of leaning on the government, is + spreading like a blight over England and America, and everywhere we suffer + from it. Government, that in theory represents a union of effort and a + saving of force, sprawls like an octopus over the land. It has become like + a dead weight upon us. Wherever it touches industry it cripples it. It + runs railways and makes a heavy deficit: it builds ships and loses money + on them: it operates the ships and loses more money: it piles up taxes to + fill the vacuum and when it has killed employment, opens a bureau of + unemployment and issues a report on the depression of industry. + </p> + <p> + Now, the only way to restore prosperity is to give back again to the + individual the opportunity to make money, to make lots of it, and when he + has got it, to keep it. In spite of all the devastation of the war the raw + assets of our globe are hardly touched. Here and there, as in parts of + China and in England and in Belgium with about seven hundred people to the + square mile, the world is fairly well filled up. There is standing room + only. But there are vast empty spaces still. Mesopotamia alone has + millions of acres of potential wheat land with a few Arabs squatting on + it. Canada could absorb easily half a million settlers a year for a + generation to come. The most fertile part of the world, the valley of the + Amazon, is still untouched: so fertile is it that for tens of thousands of + square miles it is choked with trees, a mere tangle of life, defying all + entry. The idea of our humanity sadly walking the streets of Glasgow or + sitting mournfully fishing on the piers of the Hudson, out of work, would + be laughable if it were not for the pathos of it. + </p> + <p> + The world is out of work for the simple reason that the world has killed + the goose that laid the golden eggs of industry. By taxation, by + legislation, by popular sentiment all over the world, there has been a + disparagement of the capitalist. And all over the world capital is + frightened. It goes and hides itself in the form of an investment in a + victory bond, a thing that is only a particular name for a debt, with no + productive effort behind it and indicating only a dead weight of taxes. + There capital sits like a bull-frog hidden behind water-lilies, refusing + to budge. + </p> + <p> + Hence the way to restore prosperity is not to multiply government + departments and government expenditures, nor to appoint commissions and to + pile up debts, but to start going again the machinery of bold productive + effort. Take off all the excess profits taxes and the super-taxes on + income and as much of the income tax itself as can be done by a wholesale + dismissal of government employees and then give industry a mark to shoot + at. What is needed now is not the multiplication of government reports, + but corporate industry, the formation of land companies, development + companies, irrigation companies, any kind of corporation that will call + out private capital from its hiding places, offer employment to millions + and start the wheels moving again. If the promoters of such corporations + presently earn huge fortunes for themselves society is none the worse: and + in any case, humanity being what it is, they will hand back a vast part of + what they have acquired in return for LL.D. degrees, or bits of blue + ribbon, or companionships of the Bath, or whatever kind of glass bead fits + the fancy of the retired millionaire. + </p> + <p> + The next thing to be done, then, is to "fire" the government officials and + to bring back the profiteer. As to which officials are to be fired first + it doesn't matter much. In England people have been greatly perturbed as + to the use to be made of such instruments as the "Geddes Axe": the edge of + the axe of dismissal seems so terribly sharp. But there is no need to + worry. If the edge of the axe is too sharp, hit with the back of it. + </p> + <p> + As to the profiteer, bring him back. He is really just the same person who + a few years ago was called a Captain of Industry and an Empire Builder and + a Nation Maker. It is the times that have changed, not the man. He is + there still, just as greedy and rapacious as ever, but no greedier: and we + have just the same social need of his greed as a motive power in industry + as we ever had, and indeed a worse need than before. + </p> + <p> + We need him not only in business but in the whole setting of life, or if + not him personally, we need the eager, selfish, but reliant spirit of the + man who looks after himself and doesn't want to have a spoon-fed education + and a government job alternating with a government dole, and a set of + morals framed for him by a Board of Censors. Bring back the profiteer: + fetch him from the Riviera, from his country-place on the Hudson, or from + whatever spot to which he has withdrawn with his tin box full of victory + bonds. If need be, go and pick him out of the penitentiary, take the + stripes off him and tell him to get busy again. Show him the map of the + world and ask him to pick out a few likely spots. The trained greed of the + rascal will find them in a moment. Then write him out a concession for + coal in Asia Minor or oil in the Mackenzie Basin or for irrigation in + Mesopotamia. The ink will hardly be dry on it before the capital will + begin to flow in: it will come from all kinds of places whence the + government could never coax it and where the tax-gatherer could never find + it. Only promise that it is not going to be taxed out of existence and the + stream of capital which is being dried up in the sands of government + mismanagement will flow into the hands of private industry like a river of + gold. + </p> + <p> + And incidentally, when the profiteer has finished his work, we can always + put him back into the penitentiary if we like. But we need him just now. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VIII. Is Prohibition Coming to England? + </h2> + <p> + IN the United States and Canada the principal topic of polite conversation + is now prohibition. At every dinner party the serving of the cocktails + immediately introduces the subject: the rest of the dinner is enlivened + throughout with the discussion of rum-runners, bootleggers, storage of + liquor and the State constitution of New Jersey. Under this influence all + social and conversational values are shifted and rearranged. A "scholarly" + man no longer means a man who can talk well on literary subjects but a man + who understands the eighteenth amendment and can explain the legal + difference between implementing statutes such as the Volstead Act and the + underlying state legislation. A "scientist" (invaluable in these + conversations) is a man who can make clear the distinction between + alcoholic percentages by bulk and by weight. And a "brilliant engineer" + means a man who explains how to make homebrewed beer with a kick in it. + Similarly, a "raconteur" means a man who has a fund of amusing stories + about "bootleggers" and an "interesting traveller" means a man who has + been to Havana and can explain how wet it is. Indeed, the whole conception + of travel and of interest in foreign countries is now altered: as soon as + any one mentions that he has been in a foreign country, all the company + ask in one breath, "Is it dry?" The question "How is Samoa?" or "How is + Turkey?" or "How is British Columbia?" no longer refers to the climate or + natural resources: it means "Is the place dry?" When such a question is + asked and the answer is "It's wet," there is a deep groan all around the + table. + </p> + <p> + I understand that when the recent disarmament conference met at Washington + just as the members were going to sit down at the table Monsieur Briand + said to President Harding, "How dry is the United States, anyway?" And the + whole assembly talked about it for half an hour. That was why the first + newspaper bulletins merely said, "Conference exchanges credentials." + </p> + <p> + As a discoverer of England I therefore made it one of my chief cares to + try to obtain accurate information of this topic. I was well aware that + immediately on my return to Canada the first question I would be asked + would be "Is England going dry?" I realised that in any report I might + make to the National Geographical Society or to the Political Science + Association, the members of these bodies, being scholars, would want + accurate information about the price of whiskey, the percentage of + alcohol, and the hours of opening and closing the saloons. + </p> + <p> + My first impression on the subject was, I must say, one of severe moral + shock. Landing in England after spending the summer in Ontario, it seemed + a terrible thing to see people openly drinking on an English train. On an + Ontario train, as everybody knows, there is no way of taking a drink + except by climbing up on the roof, lying flat on one's stomach, and taking + a suck out of a flask. But in England in any dining car one actually sees + a waiter approach a person dining and say, "Beer, sir, or wine?" This is + done in broad daylight with no apparent sense of criminality or moral + shame. Appalling though it sounds, bottled ale is openly sold on the + trains at twenty-five cents a bottle and dry sherry at eighteen cents a + glass. + </p> + <p> + When I first saw this I expected to see the waiter arrested on the spot. I + looked around to see if there were any "spotters," detectives, or secret + service men on the train. I anticipated that the train conductor would + appear and throw the waiter off the car. But then I realised that I was in + England and that in the British Isles they still tolerate the consumption + of alcohol. Indeed, I doubt if they are even aware that they are + "consuming alcohol." Their impression is that they are drinking beer. + </p> + <p> + At the beginning of my discussion I will therefore preface a few exact + facts and statistics for the use of geographical societies, learned bodies + and government commissions. The quantity of beer consumed in England in a + given period is about 200,000,000 gallons. The life of a bottle of Scotch + whiskey is seven seconds. The number of public houses, or "pubs," in the + English countryside is one to every half mile. The percentage of the + working classes drinking beer is 125: the percentage of the class without + work drinking beer is 200. + </p> + <p> + Statistics like these do not, however, give a final answer to the + question, "Is prohibition coming to England?" They merely show that it is + not there now. The question itself will be answered in as many different + ways as there are different kinds of people. Any prohibitionist will tell + you that the coming of prohibition to England is as certain as the coming + eclipse of the sun. But this is always so. It is in human nature that + people are impressed by the cause they work in. I once knew a minister of + the Scotch Church who took a voyage round the world: he said that the + thing that impressed him most was the growth of presbyterianism in Japan. + No doubt it did. When the Orillia lacrosse team took their trip to + Australia, they said on their return that lacrosse was spreading all over + the world. In the same way there is said to be a spread all over the world + of Christian Science, proportional representation, militarism, peace + sentiment, barbarism, altruism, psychoanalysis and death from wood + alcohol. They are what are called world movements. + </p> + <p> + My own judgment in regard to prohibition in the British Isles is this: In + Scotland, prohibition is not coming: if anything, it is going. In Ireland, + prohibition will only be introduced when they have run out of other forms + of trouble. But in England I think that prohibition could easily come + unless the English people realise where they are drifting and turn back. + They are in the early stage of the movement already. + </p> + <p> + Turning first to Scotland, there is no fear, I say, that prohibition will + be adopted there: and this from the simple reason that the Scotch do not + drink. I have elsewhere alluded to the extraordinary misapprehension that + exists in regard to the Scotch people and their sense of humour. I find a + similar popular error in regard to the use of whiskey by the Scotch. + Because they manufacture the best whiskey in the world, the Scotch, in + popular fancy, are often thought to be addicted to the drinking of it. + This is purely a delusion. During the whole of two or three pleasant weeks + spent in lecturing in Scotland, I never on any occasion saw whiskey made + use of as a beverage. I have seen people take it, of course, as a + medicine, or as a precaution, or as a wise offset against a rather + treacherous climate; but as a beverage, never. + </p> + <p> + The manner and circumstance of their offering whiskey to a stranger amply + illustrates their point of view towards it. Thus at my first lecture in + Glasgow where I was to appear before a large and fashionable audience, the + chairman said to me in the committee room that he was afraid that there + might be a draft on the platform. Here was a serious matter. For a + lecturer who has to earn his living by his occupation, a draft on the + platform is not a thing to be disregarded. It might kill him. Nor is it + altogether safe for the chairman himself, a man already in middle life, to + be exposed to a current of cold air. In this case, therefore, the chairman + suggested that he thought it might be "prudent"—that was his word, + "prudent"—if I should take a small drop of whiskey before + encountering the draft. In return I told him that I could not think of his + accompanying me to the platform unless he would let me insist on his + taking a very reasonable precaution. Whiskey taken on these terms not only + seems like a duty but it tastes better. + </p> + <p> + In the same way I find that in Scotland it is very often necessary to take + something to drink on purely meteorological grounds. The weather simply + cannot be trusted. A man might find that on "going out into the weather" + he is overwhelmed by a heavy fog or an avalanche of snow or a driving + storm of rain. In such a case a mere drop of whiskey might save his life. + It would be folly not to take it. Again,—"coming in out of the + weather" is a thing not to be trifled with. A person coming in unprepared + and unprotected might be seized with angina pectoris or appendicitis and + die upon the spot. No reasonable person would refuse the simple precaution + of taking a small drop immediately after his entry. + </p> + <p> + I find that, classified altogether, there are seventeen reasons advanced + in Scotland for taking whiskey. They run as follows: Reason one, because + it is raining; Two, because it is not raining; Three, because you are just + going out into the weather; Four, because you have just come in from the + weather; Five; no, I forget the ones that come after that. But I remember + that reason number seventeen is "because it canna do ye any harm." On the + whole, reason seventeen is the best. + </p> + <p> + Put in other words this means that the Scotch make use of whiskey with + dignity and without shame: and they never call it alcohol. + </p> + <p> + In England the case is different. Already the English are showing the + first signs that indicate the possible approach of prohibition. Already + all over England there are weird regulations about the closing hours of + the public houses. They open and close according to the varying + regulations of the municipality. In some places they open at six in the + morning, close down for an hour from nine till ten, open then till noon, + shut for ten minutes, and so on; in some places they are open in the + morning and closed in the evening; in other places they are open in the + evening and closed in the morning. The ancient idea was that a wayside + public house was a place of sustenance and comfort, a human need that + might be wanted any hour. It was in the same class with the life boat or + the emergency ambulance. Under the old common law the innkeeper must + supply meat and drink at any hour. If he was asleep the traveller might + wake him. And in those days meat and drink were regarded in the same + light. Note how great the change is. In modern life in England there is + nothing that you dare wake up a man for except gasoline. The mere fact + that you need a drink is no longer held to entitle you to break his rest. + </p> + <p> + In London especially one feels the full force of the "closing" + regulations. The bars open and shut at intervals like daisies blinking at + the sun. And like the flowers at evening they close their petals with the + darkness. In London they have already adopted the deadly phrases of the + prohibitionist, such as "alcohol" and "liquor traffic" and so on: and + already the "sale of spirits" stops absolutely at about eleven o'clock at + night. + </p> + <p> + This means that after theatre hours London is a "city of dreadful night." + The people from the theatre scuttle to their homes. The lights are + extinguished in the windows. The streets darken. Only a belated taxi still + moves. At midnight the place is deserted. At 1 A.M., the lingering + footfalls echo in the empty street. Here and there a restaurant in a + fashionable street makes a poor pretence of keeping open for after theatre + suppers. Odd people, the shivering wrecks of theatre parties, are huddled + here and there. A gloomy waiter lays a sardine on the table. The guests + charge their glasses with Perrier Water, Lithia Water, Citrate of + Magnesia, or Bromo Seltzer. They eat the sardine and vanish into the + night. Not even Oshkosh, Wisconsin, or Middlebury, Vermont, is quieter + than is the night life of London. It may no doubt seem a wise thing to go + to bed early. + </p> + <p> + But it is a terrible thing to go to bed early by Act of Parliament. + </p> + <p> + All of which means that the people of England are not facing the + prohibition question fairly and squarely. If they see no harm in + "consuming alcohol" they ought to say so and let their code of regulations + reflect the fact. But the "closing" and "regulating" and "squeezing" of + the "liquor traffic", without any outspoken protest, means letting the + whole case go by default. Under these circumstances an organised and + active minority can always win and impose its will upon the crowd. + </p> + <p> + When I was in England I amused myself one day by writing an imaginary + picture of what England will be like when the last stage is reached and + London goes the way of New York and Chicago. I cast it in the form of a + letter from an American prohibitionist in which he describes the final + triumph of prohibition in England. With the permission of the reader I + reproduce it here: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE ADVENT OF PROHIBITION IN ENGLAND + + As written in the correspondence of an American visitor + + How glad I am that I have lived to see this wonderful reform + of prohibition at last accomplished in England. There is + something so difficult about the British, so stolid, so hard + to move. + + We tried everything in the great campaign that we made, and + for ever so long it didn't seem to work. We had processions, + just as we did at home in America, with great banners + carried round bearing the inscription: "Do you want to save + the boy?" But these people looked on and said, "Boy? Boy? + What boy?" Our workers were almost disheartened. "Oh, sir," + said one of them, an ex-barkeeper from Oklahoma, "it does + seem so hard that we have total prohibition in the States + and here they can get all the drink they want." And the good + fellow broke down and sobbed. + + But at last it has come. After the most terrific efforts we + managed to get this nation stampeded, and for more than a + month now England has been dry. I wish you could have + witnessed the scenes, just like what we saw at home in + America, when it was known that the bill had passed. The + members of the House of Lords all stood up on their seats + and yelled, "Rah! Rah! Rah! Who's bone dry? We are!" And the + brewers and innkeepers were emptying their barrels of beer + into the Thames just as at St. Louis they emptied the beer + into the Mississippi. + + I can't tell you with what pleasure I watched a group of + members of the Athenaeum Club sitting on the bank of the + Thames and opening bottles of champagne and pouring them + into the river. "To think," said one of them to me, "that + there was a time when I used to lap up a couple of quarts of + this terrible stuff every evening." I got him to give me a + few bottles as a souvenir, and I got some more souvenirs, + whiskey and liqueurs, when the members of the Beefsteak Club + were emptying out their cellars into Green Street; so when + you come over, I shall still be able, of course, to give you + a drink. + + We have, as I said, been bone dry only a month, and yet + already we are getting the same splendid results as in + America. All the big dinners are now as refined and as + elevating and the dinner speeches as long and as informal as + they are in New York or Toronto. The other night at a dinner + at the White Friars Club I heard Sir Owen Seaman speaking, + not in that light futile way that he used to have, but quite + differently. He talked for over an hour and a half on the + State ownership of the Chinese Railway System, and I almost + fancied myself back in Boston. + + And the working class too. It is just wonderful how + prohibition has increased their efficiency. In the old days + they used to drop their work the moment the hour struck. Now + they simply refuse to do so. I noticed yesterday a foreman + in charge of a building operation vainly trying to call the + bricklayers down. "Come, come, gentlemen," he shouted, "I + must insist on your stopping for the night." But they just + went on laying bricks faster than ever. + + Of course, as yet there are a few slight difficulties and + deficiencies, just as there are with us in America. We have + had the same trouble with wood-alcohol (they call it + methylated spirit here), with the same deplorable results. + On some days the list of deaths is very serious, and in some + cases we are losing men we can hardly spare. A great many of + our leading actors—in fact, most of them—are dead. And there + has been a heavy loss, too, among the literary class and in + the legal profession. + + There was a very painful scene last week at the dinner of + the Benchers of Gray's Inn. It seems that one of the chief + justices had undertaken to make home brew for the Benchers, + just as the people do on our side of the water. He got one + of the waiters to fetch him some hops and three raw + potatoes, a packet of yeast and some boiling water. In the + end, four of the Benchers were carried out dead. But they + are going to give them a public funeral in the Abbey. + + I regret to say that the death list in the Royal Navy is + very heavy. Some of the best sailors are gone, and it is + very difficult to keep admirals. But I have tried to explain + to the people here that these are merely the things that one + must expect, and that, with a little patience, they will + have bone-dry admirals and bone-dry statesmen just as good + as the wet ones. Even the clergy can be dried up with + firmness and perseverance. + + There was also a slight sensation here when the Chancellor + of the Exchequer brought in his first appropriation for + maintaining prohibition. From our point of view in America, + it was modest enough. But these people are not used to it. + The Chancellor merely asked for ten million pounds a month + to begin on; he explained that his task was heavy; he has to + police, not only the entire coast, but also the interior; + for the Grampian Hills of Scotland alone he asked a million. + There was a good deal of questioning in the House over these + figures. The Chancellor was asked if he intended to keep a + hired spy at every street corner in London. He answered, + "No, only on every other street." He added also that every + spy must wear a brass collar with his number. + + I must admit further, and I am sorry to have to tell you + this, that now we have prohibition it is becoming + increasingly difficult to get a drink. In fact, sometimes, + especially in the very early morning, it is most + inconvenient and almost impossible. The public houses being + closed, it is necessary to go into a drug store—just as it + is with us—and lean up against the counter and make a + gurgling sound like apoplexy. One often sees these apoplexy + cases lined up four deep. + + But the people are finding substitutes, just as they do with + us. There is a tremendous run on patent medicines, perfume, + glue and nitric acid. It has been found that Shears' soap + contains alcohol, and one sees people everywhere eating + cakes of it. The upper classes have taken to chewing tobacco + very considerably, and the use of opium in the House of + Lords has very greatly increased. + + But I don't want you to think that if you come over here to + see me, your private life will be in any way impaired or + curtailed. I am glad to say that I have plenty of rich + connections whose cellars are very amply stocked. The Duke + of Blank is said to have 5,000 cases of Scotch whiskey, and + I have managed to get a card of introduction to his butler. + In fact you will find that, just as with us in America, the + benefit of prohibition is intended to fall on the poorer + classes. There is no desire to interfere with the rich. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IX. "We Have With Us To-night" + </h2> + <p> + NOT only during my tour in England but for many years past it has been my + lot to speak and to lecture in all sorts of places, under all sorts of + circumstances and before all sorts of audiences. I say this, not in + boastfulness, but in sorrow. Indeed, I only mention it to establish the + fact that when I talk of lecturers and speakers, I talk of what I know. + </p> + <p> + Few people realise how arduous and how disagreeable public lecturing is. + The public sees the lecturer step out on to the platform in his little + white waistcoat and his long tailed coat and with a false air of a + conjurer about him, and they think him happy. After about ten minutes of + his talk they are tired of him. Most people tire of a lecture in ten + minutes; clever people can do it in five. Sensible people never go to + lectures at all. But the people who do go to a lecture and who get tired + of it, presently hold it as a sort of a grudge against the lecturer + personally. In reality his sufferings are worse than theirs. + </p> + <p> + For my own part I always try to appear as happy as possible while I am + lecturing. I take this to be part of the trade of anybody labelled a + humourist and paid as such. I have no sympathy whatever with the idea that + a humourist ought to be a lugubrious person with a face stamped with + melancholy. This is a cheap and elementary effect belonging to the level + of a circus clown. The image of "laughter shaking both his sides" is the + truer picture of comedy. Therefore, I say, I always try to appear cheerful + at my lectures and even to laugh at my own jokes. Oddly enough this + arouses a kind of resentment in some of the audience. "Well, I will say," + said a stern-looking woman who spoke to me after one of my lectures, "you + certainly do seem to enjoy your own fun." "Madam," I answered, "if I + didn't, who would?" But in reality the whole business of being a public + lecturer is one long variation of boredom and fatigue. So I propose to set + down here some of the many trials which the lecturer has to bear. + </p> + <p> + The first of the troubles which any one who begins giving public lectures + meets at the very outset is the fact that the audience won't come to hear + him. This happens invariably and constantly, and not through any fault or + shortcoming of the speaker. + </p> + <p> + I don't say that this happened very often to me in my tour in England. In + nearly all cases I had crowded audiences: by dividing up the money that I + received by the average number of people present to hear me I have + calculated that they paid thirteen cents each. And my lectures are + evidently worth thirteen cents. But at home in Canada I have very often + tried the fatal experiment of lecturing for nothing: and in that case the + audience simply won't come. A man will turn out at night when he knows he + is going to hear a first class thirteen cent lecture; but when the thing + is given for nothing, why go to it? + </p> + <p> + The city in which I live is overrun with little societies, clubs and + associations, always wanting to be addressed. So at least it is in + appearance. In reality the societies are composed of presidents, + secretaries and officials, who want the conspicuousness of office, and a + large list of other members who won't come to the meetings. For such an + association, the invited speaker who is to lecture for nothing prepares + his lecture on "Indo-Germanic Factors in the Current of History." If he is + a professor, he takes all the winter at it. You may drop in at his house + at any time and his wife will tell you that he is "upstairs working on his + lecture." If he comes down at all it is in carpet slippers and dressing + gown. His mental vision of his meeting is that of a huge gathering of keen + people with Indo-Germanic faces, hanging upon every word. + </p> + <p> + Then comes the fated night. There are seventeen people present. The + lecturer refuses to count them. He refers to them afterwards as "about a + hundred." To this group he reads his paper on the Indo-Germanic Factor. It + takes him two hours. When he is over the chairman invites discussion. + There is no discussion. The audience is willing to let the Indo-Germanic + factors go unchallenged. Then the chairman makes this speech. He says: + </p> + <p> + "I am very sorry indeed that we should have had such a very poor 'turn + out' to-night. I am sure that the members who were not here have missed a + real treat in the delightful paper that we have listened to. I want to + assure the lecturer that if he comes to the Owl's Club again we can + guarantee him next time a capacity audience. And will any members, please, + who haven't paid their dollar this winter, pay it either to me or to Mr. + Sibley as they pass out." + </p> + <p> + I have heard this speech (in the years when I have had to listen to it) so + many times that I know it by heart. I have made the acquaintance of the + Owl's Club under so many names that I recognise it at once. I am aware + that its members refuse to turn out in cold weather; that they do not turn + out in wet weather; that when the weather is really fine, it is impossible + to get them together; that the slightest counter-attraction,—a + hockey match, a sacred concert,—goes to their heads at once. + </p> + <p> + There was a time when I was the newly appointed occupant of a college + chair and had to address the Owl's Club. It is a penalty that all new + professors pay; and the Owls batten upon them like bats. It is one of the + compensations of age that I am free of the Owl's Club forever. But in the + days when I still had to address them, I used to take it out of the Owls + in a speech, delivered, in imagination only and not out loud, to the + assembled meeting of the seventeen Owls, after the chairman had made his + concluding remarks. It ran as follows: + </p> + <p> + "Gentlemen—if you are such, which I doubt. I realise that the paper + which I have read on 'Was Hegel a deist?' has been an error. I spent all + the winter on it and now I realise that not one of you pups know who Hegel + was or what a deist is. Never mind. It is over now, and I am glad. But + just let me say this, only this, which won't keep you a minute. Your + chairman has been good enough to say that if I come again you will get + together a capacity audience to hear me. Let me tell you that if your + society waits for its next meeting till I come to address you again, you + will wait indeed. In fact, gentlemen—I say it very frankly—it + will be in another world." + </p> + <p> + But I pass over the audience. Suppose there is a real audience, and + suppose them all duly gathered together. Then it becomes the business of + that gloomy gentleman—facetiously referred to in the newspaper + reports as the "genial chairman"—to put the lecturer to the bad. In + nine cases out of ten he can do so. Some chairmen, indeed, develop a great + gift for it. Here are one or two examples from my own experience: + </p> + <p> + "Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman of a society in a little country + town in Western Ontario, to which I had come as a paid (a very humbly + paid) lecturer, "we have with us tonight a gentleman" (here he made an + attempt to read my name on a card, failed to read it and put the card back + in his pocket)—"a gentleman who is to lecture to us on" (here he + looked at his card again)—"on Ancient Ancient,—I don't very + well see what it is—Ancient—Britain? Thank you, on Ancient + Britain. Now, this is the first of our series of lectures for this winter. + The last series, as you all know, was not a success. In fact, we came out + at the end of the year with a deficit. So this year we are starting a new + line and trying the experiment of cheaper talent." + </p> + <p> + Here the chairman gracefully waved his hand toward me and there was a + certain amount of applause. "Before I sit down," the chairman added, "I'd + like to say that I am sorry to see such a poor turn-out to-night and to + ask any of the members who haven't paid their dollar to pay it either to + me or to Mr. Sibley as they pass out." + </p> + <p> + Let anybody who knows the discomfiture of coming out before an audience on + any terms, judge how it feels to crawl out in front of them labelled + cheaper talent. + </p> + <p> + Another charming way in which the chairman endeavours to put both the + speaker for the evening and the audience into an entirely good humour, is + by reading out letters of regret from persons unable to be present. This, + of course, is only for grand occasions when the speaker has been invited + to come under very special auspices. It was my fate, not long ago, to + "appear" (this is the correct word to use in this connection) in this + capacity when I was going about Canada trying to raise some money for the + relief of the Belgians. I travelled in great glory with a pass on the + Canadian Pacific Railway (not since extended: officials of the road kindly + note this) and was most generously entertained wherever I went. + </p> + <p> + It was, therefore, the business of the chairman at such meetings as these + to try and put a special distinction or cachet on the gathering. This is + how it was done: + </p> + <p> + "Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman, rising from his seat on the + platform with a little bundle of papers in his hand, "before I introduce + the speaker of the evening, I have one or two items that I want to read to + you." Here he rustles his papers and there is a deep hush in the hall + while he selects one. "We had hoped to have with us to-night Sir Robert + Borden, the Prime Minister of this Dominion. I have just received a + telegram from Sir Robert in which he says that he will not be able to be + here" (great applause). The chairman puts up his hand for silence, picks + up another telegram and continues, "Our committee, ladies and gentlemen, + telegraphed an invitation to Sir Wilfrid Laurier very cordially inviting + him to be here to-night. I have here Sir Wilfrid's answer in which he says + that he will not be able to be with us" (renewed applause). The chairman + again puts up his hand for silence and goes on, picking up one paper after + another. "The Minister of Finance regrets that he will be unable to come" + (applause). "Mr. Rodolphe Lemieux (applause) will not be here (great + applause)—the Mayor of Toronto (applause) is detained on business + (wild applause)—the Anglican Bishop of the Diocese (applause)—the + Principal of the University College, Toronto (great applause)—the + Minister of Education (applause)—none of these are coming." There is + a great clapping of hands and enthusiasm, after which the meeting is + called to order with a very distinct and palpable feeling that it is one + of the most distinguished audiences ever gathered in the hall. + </p> + <p> + Here is another experience of the same period while I was pursuing the + same exalted purpose: I arrived in a little town in Eastern Ontario, and + found to my horror that I was billed to "appear" in a church. I was + supposed to give readings from my works, and my books are supposed to be + of a humorous character. A church hardly seemed the right place to get + funny in. I explained my difficulty to the pastor of the church, a very + solemn looking man. He nodded his head, slowly and gravely, as he grasped + my difficulty. "I see," he said, "I see, but I think that I can introduce + you to our people in such a way as to make that right." + </p> + <p> + When the time came, he led me up on to the pulpit platform of the church, + just beside and below the pulpit itself, with a reading desk and a big + bible and a shaded light beside it. It was a big church, and the audience, + sitting in half darkness, as is customary during a sermon, reached away + back into the gloom. The place was packed full and absolutely quiet. Then + the chairman spoke: + </p> + <p> + "Dear friends," he said, "I want you to understand that it will be all + right to laugh tonight. Let me hear you laugh heartily, laugh right out, + just as much as ever you want to, because" (and here his voice assumed the + deep sepulchral tones of the preacher),-"when we think of the noble object + for which the professor appears to-night, we may be assured that the Lord + will forgive any one who will laugh at the professor." + </p> + <p> + I am sorry to say, however, that none of the audience, even with the + plenary absolution in advance, were inclined to take a chance on it. + </p> + <p> + I recall in this same connection the chairman of a meeting at a certain + town in Vermont. He represents the type of chairman who turns up so late + at the meeting that the committee have no time to explain to him properly + what the meeting is about or who the speaker is. I noticed on this + occasion that he introduced me very guardedly by name (from a little card) + and said nothing about the Belgians, and nothing about my being (supposed + to be) a humourist. This last was a great error. The audience, for want of + guidance, remained very silent and decorous, and well behaved during my + talk. Then, somehow, at the end, while some one was moving a vote of + thanks, the chairman discovered his error. So he tried to make it good. + Just as the audience were getting up to put on their wraps, he rose, + knocked on his desk and said: + </p> + <p> + "Just a minute, please, ladies and gentlemen, just a minute. I have just + found out—I should have known it sooner, but I was late in coming to + this meeting—that the speaker who has just addressed you has done so + in behalf of the Belgian Relief Fund. I understand that he is a well-known + Canadian humourist (ha! ha!) and I am sure that we have all been immensely + amused (ha! ha!). He is giving his delightful talks (ha! ha!)—though + I didn't know this till just this minute—for the Belgian Relief + Fund, and he is giving his services for nothing. I am sure when we realise + this, we shall all feel that it has been well worth while to come. I am + only sorry that we didn't have a better turn out to-night. But I can + assure the speaker that if he will come again, we shall guarantee him a + capacity audience. And I may say, that if there are any members of this + association who have not paid their dollar this season, they can give it + either to myself or to Mr. Sibley as they pass out." + </p> + <p> + With the amount of accumulated experience that I had behind me I was + naturally interested during my lecture in England in the chairmen who were + to introduce me. I cannot help but feel that I have acquired a fine taste + in chair men. I know them just as other experts know old furniture and + Pekinese dogs. The witty chairman, the prosy chairman, the solemn + chairman,—I know them all. As soon as I shake hands with the + chairman in the Committee room I can tell exactly how he will act. + </p> + <p> + There are certain types of chairmen who have so often been described and + are so familiar that it is not worth while to linger on them. Everybody + knows the chairman who says; "Now, ladies and gentlemen, you have not come + here to listen to me. So I will be very brief; in fact, I will confine my + remarks to just one or two very short observations." He then proceeds to + make observations for twenty-five minutes. At the end of it he remarks + with charming simplicity, "Now I know that you are all impatient to hear + the lecturer...." + </p> + <p> + And everybody knows the chairman who comes to the meeting with a very + imperfect knowledge of who or what the lecturer is, and is driven to + introduce him by saying: + </p> + <p> + "Our lecturer of the evening is widely recognised as one of the greatest + authorities on; on,—on his subject in the world to-day. He comes to + us from; from a great distance and I can assure him that it is a great + pleasure to this audience to welcome a man who has done so much to,—to,—to + advance the interests of,—of; of everything as he has." + </p> + <p> + But this man, bad as he is, is not so bad as the chairman whose + preparation for introducing the speaker has obviously been made at the + eleventh hour. Just such a chairman it was my fate to strike in the form + of a local alderman, built like an ox, in one of those small manufacturing + places in the north of England where they grow men of this type and elect + them into office. + </p> + <p> + "I never saw the lecturer before," he said, "but I've read his book." (I + have written nineteen books.) "The committee was good enough to send me + over his book last night. I didn't read it all but I took a look at the + preface and I can assure him that he is very welcome. I understand he + comes from a college...." Then he turned directly towards me and said in a + loud voice, "What was the name of that college over there you said you + came from?" + </p> + <p> + "McGill," I answered equally loudly. + </p> + <p> + "He comes from McGill," the chairman boomed out. "I never heard of McGill + myself but I can assure him he's welcome. He's going to lecture to us on,—what + did you say it was to be about?" + </p> + <p> + "It's a humorous lecture," I said. + </p> + <p> + "Ay, it's to be a humorous lecture, ladies and gentlemen, and I'll venture + to say it will be a rare treat. I'm only sorry I can't stay for it myself + as I have to get back over to the Town Hall for a meeting. So without more + ado I'll get off the platform and let the lecturer go on with his humour." + </p> + <p> + A still more terrible type of chairman is one whose mind is evidently + preoccupied and disturbed with some local happening and who comes on to + the platform with a face imprinted with distress. Before introducing the + lecturer he refers in moving tones to the local sorrow, whatever it is. As + a prelude to a humorous lecture this is not gay. + </p> + <p> + Such a chairman fell to my lot one night before a gloomy audience in a + London suburb. "As I look about this hall to-night," he began in a doleful + whine, "I see many empty seats." Here he stifled a sob. "Nor am I + surprised that a great many of our people should prefer to-night to stay + quietly at home—" + </p> + <p> + I had no clue to what he meant. I merely gathered that some particular + sorrow must have overwhelmed the town that day. + </p> + <p> + "To many it may seem hardly fitting that after the loss our town has + sustained we should come out here to listen to a humorous lecture,—", + "What's the trouble?" I whispered to a citizen sitting beside me on the + platform. + </p> + <p> + "Our oldest resident"—he whispered back—"he died this + morning." + </p> + <p> + "How old?" + </p> + <p> + "Ninety-four," he whispered. + </p> + <p> + Meantime the chairman, with deep sobs in his voice, continued: + </p> + <p> + "We debated in our committee whether or not we should have the lecture. + Had it been a lecture of another character our position would have been + less difficult,—", By this time I began to feel like a criminal. + "The case would have been different had the lecture been one that + contained information, or that was inspired by some serious purpose, or + that could have been of any benefit. But this is not so. We understand + that this lecture which Mr. Leacock has already given, I believe, twenty + or thirty times in England,—" + </p> + <p> + Here he turned to me with a look of mild reproval while the silent + audience, deeply moved, all looked at me as at a man who went around the + country insulting the memory of the dead by giving a lecture thirty times. + </p> + <p> + "We understand, though this we shall have an opportunity of testing for + ourselves presently, that Mr. Leacock's lecture is not of a character + which,—has not, so to speak, the kind of value, in short, is not a + lecture of that class." + </p> + <p> + Here he paused and choked back a sob. + </p> + <p> + "Had our poor friend been spared to us for another six years he would have + rounded out the century. But it was not to be. For two or three years past + he has noted that somehow his strength was failing, that, for some reason + or other, he was no longer what he had been. Last month he began to droop. + Last week he began to sink. Speech left him last Tuesday. This morning he + passed, and he has gone now, we trust, in safety to where there are no + lectures." + </p> + <p> + The audience were now nearly in tears. + </p> + <p> + The chairman made a visible effort towards firmness and control. + </p> + <p> + "But yet," he continued, "our committee felt that in another sense it was + our duty to go on with our arrangements. I think, ladies and gentlemen, + that the war has taught us all that it is always our duty to 'carry on,' + no matter how hard it may be, no matter with what reluctance we do it, and + whatever be the difficulties and the dangers, we must carry on to the end: + for after all there is an end and by resolution and patience we can reach + it. + </p> + <p> + "I will, therefore, invite Mr. Leacock to deliver to us his humorous + lecture, the title of which I have forgotten, but I understand it to be + the same lecture which he has already given thirty or forty times in + England." + </p> + <p> + But contrast with this melancholy man the genial and pleasing person who + introduced me, all upside down, to a metropolitan audience. + </p> + <p> + He was so brisk, so neat, so sure of himself that it didn't seem possible + that he could make any kind of a mistake. I thought it unnecessary to + coach him. He seemed absolutely all right. + </p> + <p> + "It is a great pleasure,"—he said, with a charming, easy appearance + of being entirely at home on the platform,—"to welcome here tonight + our distinguished Canadian fellow citizen, Mr. Learoyd"—he turned + half way towards me as he spoke with a sort of gesture of welcome, + admirably executed. If only my name had been Learoyd instead of Leacock it + would have been excellent. + </p> + <p> + "There are many of us," he continued, "who have awaited Mr. Learoyd's + coming with the most pleasant anticipations. We seemed from his books to + know him already as an old friend. In fact I think I do not exaggerate + when I tell Mr. Learoyd that his name in our city has long been a + household word. I have very, very great pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, in + introducing to you Mr. Learoyd." + </p> + <p> + As far as I know that chairman never knew his error. At the close of my + lecture he said that he was sure that the audience "were deeply indebted + to Mr. Learoyd," and then with a few words of rapid, genial apology buzzed + off, like a humming bird, to other avocations. But I have amply forgiven + him: anything for kindness and geniality; it makes the whole of life + smooth. If that chairman ever comes to my home town he is hereby invited + to lunch or dine with me, as Mr. Learoyd or under any name that he + selects. + </p> + <p> + Such a man is, after all, in sharp contrast to the kind of chairman who + has no native sense of the geniality that ought to accompany his office. + There is, for example, a type of man who thinks that the fitting way to + introduce a lecturer is to say a few words about the finances of the + society to which he is to lecture (for money) and about the difficulty of + getting members to turn out to hear lectures. + </p> + <p> + Everybody has heard such a speech a dozen times. But it is the paid + lecturer sitting on the platform who best appreciates it. It runs like + this: + </p> + <p> + "Now, ladies and gentlemen, before I invite the lecturer of the evening to + address us there are a few words that I would like to say. There are a + good many members who are in arrears with their fees. I am aware that + these are hard times and it is difficult to collect money but at the same + time the members ought to remember that the expenses of the society are + very heavy. The fees that are asked by the lecturers, as I suppose you + know, have advanced very greatly in the last few years. In fact I may say + that they are becoming almost prohibitive." + </p> + <p> + This discourse is pleasant hearing for the lecturer. He can see the + members who have not yet paid their annual dues eyeing him with hatred. + The chairman goes on: + </p> + <p> + "Our finance committee were afraid at first that we could not afford to + bring Mr. Leacock to our society. But fortunately through the personal + generosity of two of our members who subscribed ten pounds each out of + their own pocket we are able to raise the required sum." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + (Applause: during which the lecturer sits looking and feeling + like the embodiment of the "required sum.") +</pre> + <p> + "Now, ladies and gentlemen," continues the chairman, "what I feel is that + when we have members in the society who are willing to make this + sacrifice,—because it is a sacrifice, ladies and gentlemen,—we + ought to support them in every way. The members ought to think it their + duty to turn out to the lectures. I know that it is not an easy thing to + do. On a cold night, like this evening, it is hard, I admit it is hard, to + turn out from the comfort of one's own fireside and come and listen to a + lecture. But I think that the members should look at it not as a matter of + personal comfort but as a matter of duty towards this society. We have + managed to keep this society alive for fifteen years and, though I don't + say it in any spirit of boasting, it has not been an easy thing to do. It + has required a good deal of pretty hard spade work by the committee. Well, + ladies and gentlemen, I suppose you didn't come here to listen to me and + perhaps I have said enough about our difficulties and troubles. So without + more ado (this is always a favourite phrase with chairmen) I'll invite Mr. + Leacock to address the society; oh, just a word before I sit down. Will + all those who are leaving before the end of the lecture kindly go out + through the side door and step as quietly as possible? Mr. Leacock." + </p> + <p> + Anybody who is in the lecture business knows that that introduction is far + worse than being called Mr. Learoyd. + </p> + <p> + When any lecturer goes across to England from this side of the water there + is naturally a tendency on the part of the chairman to play upon this + fact. This is especially true in the case of a Canadian like myself. The + chairman feels that the moment is fitting for one of those great imperial + thoughts that bind the British Empire together. But sometimes the + expression of the thought falls short of the full glory of the conception. + </p> + <p> + Witness this (word for word) introduction that was used against me by a + clerical chairman in a quiet spot in the south of England: + </p> + <p> + "Not so long ago, ladies and gentlemen," said the vicar, "we used to send + out to Canada various classes of our community to help build up that + country. We sent out our labourers, we sent out our scholars and + professors. Indeed we even sent out our criminals. And now," with a wave + of his hand towards me, "they are coming back." + </p> + <p> + There was no laughter. An English audience is nothing if not literal; and + they are as polite as they are literal. They understood that I was a + reformed criminal and as such they gave me a hearty burst of applause. + </p> + <p> + But there is just one thing that I would like to chronicle here in favour + of the chairman and in gratitude for his assistance. Even at his worst he + is far better than having no chairman at all. Over in England a great many + societies and public bodies have adopted the plan of "cutting out the + chairman." Wearying of his faults, they have forgotten the reasons for his + existence and undertaken to do without him. + </p> + <p> + The result is ghastly. The lecturer steps up on to the platform alone and + unaccompanied. There is a feeble ripple of applause; he makes his + miserable bow and explains with as much enthusiasm as he can who he is. + The atmosphere of the thing is so cold that an 'Arctic expedition isn't in + it with it. I found also the further difficulty that in the absence of the + chairman very often the audience, or a large part of it, doesn't know who + the lecturer is. On many occasions I received on appearing a wild burst of + applause under the impression that I was somebody else. I have been + mistaken in this way for Mr. Briand, then Prime Minister of France, for + Charlie Chaplin, for Mrs. Asquith,—but stop, I may get into a libel + suit. All I mean is that without a chairman "we celebrities" get terribly + mixed up together. + </p> + <p> + To one experience of my tour as a lecturer I shall always be able to look + back with satisfaction. I nearly had the pleasure of killing a man with + laughing: and this in the most literal sense. American lecturers have + often dreamed of doing this. I nearly did it. The man in question was a + comfortable apoplectic-looking man with the kind of merry rubicund face + that is seen in countries where they don't have prohibition. He was seated + near the back of the hall and was laughing uproariously. All of a sudden I + realised that something was happening. The man had collapsed sideways on + to the floor; a little group of men gathered about him; they lifted him up + and I could see them carrying him out, a silent and inert mass. As in duty + bound I went right on with my lecture. But my heart beat high with + satisfaction. I was sure that I had killed him. The reader may judge how + high these hopes rose when a moment or two later a note was handed to the + chairman who then asked me to pause for a moment in my lecture and stood + up and asked, "Is there a doctor in the audience?" A doctor rose and + silently went out. The lecture continued; but there was no more laughter; + my aim had now become to kill another of them and they knew it. They were + aware that if they started laughing they might die. In a few minutes a + second note was handed to the chairman. He announced very gravely, "A + second doctor is wanted." The lecture went on in deeper silence than ever. + All the audience were waiting for a third announcement. It came. A new + message was handed to the chairman. He rose and said, "If Mr. Murchison, + the undertaker, is in the audience, will he kindly step outside." + </p> + <p> + That man, I regret to say, got well. + </p> + <p> + Disappointing though it is to read it, he recovered. I sent back next + morning from London a telegram of enquiry (I did it in reality so as to + have a proper proof of his death) and received the answer, "Patient doing + well; is sitting up in bed and reading Lord Haldane's Relativity; no + danger of relapse." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + X. Have the English any Sense of Humour? + </h2> + <p> + It was understood that the main object of my trip to England was to find + out whether the British people have any sense of humour. No doubt the + Geographical Society had this investigation in mind in not paying my + expenses. Certainly on my return I was at once assailed with the question + on all sides, "Have they got a sense of humour? Even if it is only a + rudimentary sense, have they got it or have they not?" I propose therefore + to address myself to the answer to this question. + </p> + <p> + A peculiar interest always attaches to humour. There is no quality of the + human mind about which its possessor is more sensitive than the sense of + humour. A man will freely confess that he has no ear for music, or no + taste for fiction, or even no interest in religion. But I have yet to see + the man who announces that he has no sense of humour. In point of fact, + every man is apt to think himself possessed of an exceptional gift in this + direction, and that even if his humour does not express itself in the + power either to make a joke or to laugh at one, it none the less consists + in a peculiar insight or inner light superior to that of other people. + </p> + <p> + The same thing is true of nations. Each thinks its own humour of an + entirely superior kind, and either refuses to admit, or admits + reluctantly, the humorous quality of other peoples. The Englishman may + credit the Frenchman with a certain light effervescence of mind which he + neither emulates nor envies; the Frenchman may acknowledge that English + literature shows here and there a sort of heavy playfulness; but neither + of them would consider that the humour of the other nation could stand a + moment's comparison with his own. + </p> + <p> + Yet, oddly enough, American humour stands as a conspicuous exception to + this general rule. A certain vogue clings to it. Ever since the spacious + days of Artemus Ward and Mark Twain it has enjoyed an extraordinary + reputation, and this not only on our own continent, but in England. It was + in a sense the English who "discovered" Mark Twain; I mean it was they who + first clearly recognised him as a man of letters of the foremost rank, at + a time when academic Boston still tried to explain him away as a mere + comic man of the West. In the same way Artemus Ward is still held in + affectionate remembrance in London, and, of the later generation, Mr. + Dooley at least is a household word. + </p> + <p> + This is so much the case that a sort of legend has grown around American + humour. It is presumed to be a superior article and to enjoy the same kind + of pre-eminence as French cooking, the Russian ballet, and Italian organ + grinding. With this goes the converse supposition that the British people + are inferior in humour, that a joke reaches them only with great + difficulty, and that a British audience listens to humour in gloomy and + unintelligent silence. People still love to repeat the famous story of how + John Bright listened attentively to Artemus Ward's lecture in London and + then said, gravely, that he "doubted many of the young man's statements"; + and readers still remember Mark Twain's famous parody of the discussion of + his book by a wooden-headed reviewer of an English review. + </p> + <p> + But the legend in reality is only a legend. If the English are inferior to + Americans in humour, I, for one, am at a loss to see where it comes in. If + there is anything on our continent superior in humour to Punch I should + like to see it. If we have any more humorous writers in our midst than E. + V. Lucas and Charles Graves and Owen Seaman I should like to read what + they write; and if there is any audience capable of more laughter and more + generous appreciation than an audience in London, or Bristol, or Aberdeen, + I should like to lecture to it. + </p> + <p> + During my voyage of discovery in Great Britain I had very exceptional + opportunities for testing the truth of these comparisons. It was my good + fortune to appear as an avowed humourist in all the great British cities. + I lectured as far north as Aberdeen and as far south as Brighton and + Bournemouth; I travelled eastward to Ipswich and westward into Wales. I + spoke on serious subjects, but with a joke or two in loco, at the + universities, at business gatherings, and at London dinners; I watched, + lost in admiration, the inspired merriment of the Savages of Adelphi + Terrace, and in my moments of leisure I observed, with a scientific eye, + the gaieties of the London revues. As a result of which I say with + conviction that, speaking by and large, the two communities are on the + same level. A Harvard audience, as I have reason gratefully to + acknowledge, is wonderful. But an Oxford audience is just as good. A + gathering of business men in a textile town in the Midlands is just as + heavy as a gathering of business men in Decatur, Indiana, but no heavier; + and an audience of English schoolboys as at Rugby or at Clifton is capable + of a wild and sustained merriment not to be outdone from Halifax to Los + Angeles. + </p> + <p> + There is, however, one vital difference between American and English + audiences which would be apt to discourage at the outset any American + lecturer who might go to England. The English audiences, from the nature + of the way in which they have been brought together, expect more. In + England they still associate lectures with information. We don't. Our + American lecture audiences are, in nine cases out of ten, organised by a + woman's club of some kind and drawn not from the working class, but from—what + shall we call it?—the class that doesn't have to work, or, at any + rate, not too hard. It is largely a social audience, well educated without + being "highbrow," and tolerant and kindly to a degree. In fact, what the + people mainly want is to see the lecturer. They have heard all about G. K. + Chesterton and Hugh Walpole and John Drinkwater, and so when these + gentlemen come to town the woman's club want to have a look at them, just + as the English people, who are all crazy about animals, flock to the zoo + to look at a new giraffe. They don't expect the giraffe to do anything in + particular. They want to see it, that's all. So with the American woman's + club audience. After they have seen Mr. Chesterton they ask one another as + they come out—just as an incidental matter—"Did you understand + his lecture?" and the answer is, "I can't say I did." But there is no + malice about it. They can now go and say that they have seen Mr. + Chesterton; that's worth two dollars in itself. The nearest thing to this + attitude of mind that I heard of in England was at the City Temple in + London, where they have every week a huge gathering of about two thousand + people, to listen to a (so-called) popular lecture. When I was there I was + told that the person who had preceded me was Lord Haldane, who had + lectured on Einstein's Theory of Relativity. I said to the chairman, + "Surely this kind of audience couldn't understand a lecture like that!" He + shook his head. "No," he said, "they didn't understand it, but they all + enjoyed it." + </p> + <p> + I don't mean to imply by what I said above that American lecture audiences + do not appreciate good things or that the English lecturers who come to + this continent are all giraffes. On the contrary: when the audience finds + that Chesterton and Walpole and Drinkwater, in addition to being visible, + are also singularly interesting lecturers, they are all the better + pleased. But this doesn't alter the fact that they have come primarily to + see the lecturer. + </p> + <p> + Not so in England. Here a lecture (outside London) is organised on a much + sterner footing. The people are there for information. The lecture is + organised not by idle, amiable, charming women, but by a body called, with + variations, the Philosophical Society. From experience I should define an + English Philosophical Society as all the people in town who don't know + anything about philosophy. The academic and university classes are never + there. The audience is only of plainer folk. In the United States and + Canada at any evening lecture a large sprinkling of the audience are in + evening dress. At an English lecture (outside of London) none of them are; + philosophy is not to be wooed in such a garb. Nor are there the same + commodious premises, the same bright lights, and the same atmosphere of + gaiety as at a society lecture in America. On the contrary, the setting is + a gloomy one. In England, in winter, night begins at four in the + afternoon. In the manufacturing towns of the Midlands and the north (which + is where the philosophical societies flourish) there is always a drizzling + rain and wet slop underfoot, a bedraggled poverty in the streets, and a + dimness of lights that contrasts with the glare of light in an American + town. There is no visible sign in the town that a lecture is to happen, no + placards, no advertisements, nothing. The lecturer is conducted by a + chairman through a side door in a dingy building (The Institute, + established 1840), and then all of a sudden in a huge, dim hall—there + sits the Philosophical Society. There are a thousand of them, but they sit + as quiet as a prayer meeting. They are waiting to be fed—on + information. + </p> + <p> + Now I don't mean to say that the Philosophical Society are not a good + audience. In their own way they're all right. Once the Philosophical + Society has decided that a lecture is humorous they do not stint their + laughter. I have had many times the satisfaction of seeing a Philosophical + Society swept away from its moorings and tossing in a sea of laughter, as + generous and as whole-hearted as anything we ever see in America. + </p> + <p> + But they are not so willing to begin. With us the chairman has only to say + to the gaily dressed members of the Ladies' Fortnightly Club, "Well, + ladies, I'm sure we are all looking forward very much to Mr. Walpole's + lecture," and at once there is a ripple of applause, and a responsive + expression on a hundred charming faces. + </p> + <p> + Not so the Philosophical Society of the Midlands. The chairman rises. He + doesn't call for silence. It is there, thick. "We have with us to-night," + he says, "a man whose name is well known to the Philosophical Society" + (here he looks at his card), "Mr. Stephen Leacock." (Complete silence.) + "He is a professor of political economy at—" Here he turns to me and + says, "Which college did you say?" I answer quite audibly in the silence, + "At McGill." "He is at McGill," says the chairman. (More silence.) "I + don't suppose, however, ladies and gentlemen, that he's come here to talk + about political economy." This is meant as a jest, but the audience takes + it as a threat. "However, ladies and gentlemen, you haven't come here to + listen to me" (this evokes applause, the first of the evening), "so + without more ado" (the man always has the impression that there's been a + lot of "ado," but I never see any of it) "I'll now introduce Mr. Leacock." + (Complete silence.) + </p> + <p> + Nothing of which means the least harm. It only implies that the + Philosophical Society are true philosophers in accepting nothing unproved. + They are like the man from Missouri. They want to be shown. And + undoubtedly it takes a little time, therefore, to rouse them. I remember + listening with great interest to Sir Michael Sadler, who is possessed of a + very neat wit, introducing me at Leeds. He threw three jokes, one after + the other, into the heart of a huge, silent audience without effect. He + might as well have thrown soap bubbles. But the fourth joke broke fair and + square like a bomb in the middle of the Philosophical Society and exploded + them into convulsions. The process is very like what artillery men tell of + "bracketing" the object fired at, and then landing fairly on it. + </p> + <p> + In what I have just written about audiences I have purposely been using + the word English and not British, for it does not in the least apply to + the Scotch. There is, for a humorous lecturer, no better audience in the + world than a Scotch audience. The old standing joke about the Scotch sense + of humour is mere nonsense. Yet one finds it everywhere. + </p> + <p> + "So you're going to try to take humour up to Scotland," the most eminent + author in England said to me. "Well, the Lord help you. You'd better take + an axe with you to open their skulls; there is no other way." How this + legend started I don't know, but I think it is because the English are + jealous of the Scotch. They got into the Union with them in 1707 and they + can't get out. The Scotch don't want Home Rule, or Swa Raj, or Dominion + status, or anything; they just want the English. When they want money they + go to London and make it; if they want literary fame they sell their books + to the English; and to prevent any kind of political trouble they take + care to keep the Cabinet well filled with Scotchmen. The English for + shame's sake can't get out of the Union, so they retaliate by saying that + the Scotch have no sense of humour. But there's nothing in it. One has + only to ask any of the theatrical people and they will tell you that the + audiences in Glasgow and Edinburgh are the best in the British Isles—possess + the best taste and the best ability to recognise what is really good. + </p> + <p> + The reason for this lies, I think, in the well-known fact that the Scotch + are a truly educated people, not educated in the mere sense of having been + made to go to school, but in the higher sense of having acquired an + interest in books and a respect for learning. In England the higher + classes alone possess this, the working class as a whole know nothing of + it. But in Scotland the attitude is universal. And the more I reflect upon + the subject, the more I believe that what counts most in the appreciation + of humour is not nationality, but the degree of education enjoyed by the + individual concerned. I do not think that there is any doubt that educated + people possess a far wider range of humour than the uneducated class. Some + people, of course, get overeducated and become hopelessly academic. The + word "highbrow" has been invented exactly to fit the case. The sense of + humour in the highbrow has become atrophied, or, to vary the metaphor, it + is submerged or buried under the accumulated strata of his education, on + the top soil of which flourishes a fine growth of conceit. But even in the + highbrow the educated appreciation of humour is there—away down. + Generally, if one attempts to amuse a highbrow he will resent it as if the + process were beneath him; or perhaps the intellectual jealousy and + touchiness with which he is always overcharged will lead him to retaliate + with a pointless story from Plato. But if the highbrow is right off his + guard and has no jealousy in his mind, you may find him roaring with + laughter and wiping his spectacles, with his sides shaking, and see him + converted as by magic into the merry, clever little school-boy that he was + thirty years ago, before his education ossified him. + </p> + <p> + But with the illiterate and the rustic no such process is possible. His + sense of humour may be there as a sense, but the mechanism for setting it + in operation is limited and rudimentary. Only the broadest and most + elementary forms of joke can reach him. The magnificent mechanism of the + art of words is, quite literally, a sealed book to him. Here and there, + indeed, a form of fun is found so elementary in its nature and yet so + excellent in execution that it appeals to all alike, to the illiterate and + to the highbrow, to the peasant and the professor. Such, for example, are + the antics of Mr. Charles Chaplin or the depiction of Mr. Jiggs by the + pencil of George McManus. But such cases are rare. As a rule the cheap fun + that excites the rustic to laughter is execrable to the man of education. + </p> + <p> + In the light of what I have said before it follows that the individuals + that are findable in every English or American audience are much the same. + All those who lecture or act are well aware that there are certain types + of people that are always to be seen somewhere in the hall. Some of these + belong to the general class of discouraging people. They listen in stolid + silence. No light of intelligence ever gleams on their faces; no response + comes from their eyes. + </p> + <p> + I find, for example, that wherever I go there is always seated in the + audience, about three seats from the front, a silent man with a big + motionless face like a melon. He is always there. I have seen that man in + every town or city from Richmond, Indiana, to Bournemouth in Hampshire. He + haunts me. I get to expect him. I feel like nodding to him from the + platform. And I find that all other lecturers have the same experience. + Wherever they go the man with the big face is always there. He never + laughs; no matter if the people all round him are convulsed with laughter, + he sits there like a rock—or, no, like a toad—immovable. What + he thinks I don't know. Why he comes to lectures I cannot guess. Once, and + once only, I spoke to him, or, rather, he spoke to me. I was coming out + from the lecture and found myself close to him in the corridor. It had + been a rather gloomy evening; the audience had hardly laughed at all; and + I know nothing sadder than a humorous lecture without laughter. The man + with the big face, finding himself beside me, turned and said, "Some of + them people weren't getting that to-night." His tone of sympathy seemed to + imply that he had got it all himself; if so, he must have swallowed it + whole without a sign. But I have since thought that this man with the big + face may have his own internal form of appreciation. This much, however, I + know: to look at him from the platform is fatal. One sustained look into + his big, motionless face and the lecturer would be lost; inspiration would + die upon one's lips—the basilisk isn't in it with him. + </p> + <p> + Personally, I no sooner see the man with the big face than instinctively I + turn my eyes away. I look round the hall for another man that I know is + always there, the opposite type, the little man with the spectacles. There + he sits, good soul, about twelve rows back, his large spectacles beaming + with appreciation and his quick face anticipating every point. I imagine + him to be by trade a minor journalist or himself a writer of sorts, but + with not enough of success to have spoiled him. + </p> + <p> + There are other people always there, too. There is the old lady who thinks + the lecture improper; it doesn't matter how moral it is, she's out for + impropriety and she can find it anywhere. Then there is another very + terrible man against whom all American lecturers in England should be + warned—the man who is leaving on the 9 P.M. train. English railways + running into suburbs and near-by towns have a schedule which is expressly + arranged to have the principal train leave before the lecture ends. Hence + the 9-P.M.-train man. He sits right near the front, and at ten minutes to + nine he gathers up his hat, coat, and umbrella very deliberately, rises + with great calm, and walks firmly away. His air is that of a man who has + stood all that he can and can bear no more. Till one knows about this man, + and the others who rise after him, it is very disconcerting; at first I + thought I must have said something to reflect upon the royal family. But + presently the lecturer gets to understand that it is only the nine-o'clock + train and that all the audience know about it. Then it's all right. It's + just like the people rising and stretching themselves after the seventh + innings in baseball. + </p> + <p> + In all that goes above I have been emphasising the fact that the British + and the American sense of humour are essentially the same thing. But there + are, of course, peculiar differences of form and peculiar preferences of + material that often make them seem to diverge widely. + </p> + <p> + By this I mean that each community has, within limits, its own particular + ways of being funny and its own particular conception of a joke. Thus, a + Scotchman likes best a joke which he has all to himself or which he shares + reluctantly with a few; the thing is too rich to distribute. The American + loves particularly as his line of joke an anecdote with the point all + concentrated at the end and exploding in a phrase. The Englishman loves + best as his joke the narration of something that actually did happen and + that depends, of course; for its point on its reality. + </p> + <p> + There are plenty of minor differences, too, in point of mere form, and + very naturally each community finds the particular form used by the others + less pleasing than its own. In fact, for this very reason each people is + apt to think its own humour the best. + </p> + <p> + Thus, on our side of the Atlantic, to cite our own faults first, we still + cling to the supposed humour of bad spelling. We have, indeed, told + ourselves a thousand times over that bad spelling is not funny, but is + very tiresome. Yet it is no sooner laid aside and buried than it gets + resurrected. I suppose the real reason is that it is funny, at least to + our eyes. When Bill Nye spells wife with "yph" we can't help being amused. + Now Bill Nye's bad spelling had absolutely no point to it except its + oddity. At times it was extremely funny, but as a mode it led easily to + widespread and pointless imitation. It was the kind of thing—like + poetry—that anybody can do badly. It was most deservedly abandoned + with execration. No American editor would print it to-day. But witness the + new and excellent effect produced with bad spelling by Mr. Ring W. + Lardner. Here, however, the case is altered; it is not the falseness of + Mr. Lardner's spelling that is the amusing feature of it, but the truth of + it. When he writes, "dear friend, Al, I would of rote sooner," etc., he is + truer to actual sound and intonation than the lexicon. The mode is + excellent. But the imitations will soon debase it into such bad coin that + it will fail to pass current. In England, however, the humour of bad + spelling does not and has never, I believe, flourished. Bad spelling is + only used in England as an attempt to reproduce phonetically a dialect; it + is not intended that the spelling itself should be thought funny, but the + dialect that it represents. But the effect, on the whole, is tiresome. A + little dose of the humour of Lancashire or Somerset or Yorkshire + pronunciation may be all right, but a whole page of it looks like the + gibbering of chimpanzees set down on paper. + </p> + <p> + In America also we run perpetually to the (supposed) humour of slang, a + form not used in England. If we were to analyse what we mean by slang I + think it would be found to consist of the introduction of new metaphors or + new forms of language of a metaphorical character, strained almost to the + breaking point. Sometimes we do it with a single word. When some genius + discovers that a "hat" is really only "a lid" placed on top of a human + being, straightway the word "lid" goes rippling over the continent. + Similarly a woman becomes a "skirt," and so on ad infinitum. + </p> + <p> + These words presently either disappear or else retain a permanent place, + being slang no longer. No doubt half our words, if not all of them, were + once slang. Even within our own memory we can see the whole process + carried through; "cinch" once sounded funny; it is now standard + American-English. But other slang is made up of descriptive phrases. At + the best, these slang phrases are—at least we think they are—extremely + funny. But they are funniest when newly coined, and it takes a master hand + to coin them well. For a supreme example of wild vagaries of language used + for humour, one might take O. Henry's "Gentle Grafter." But here the + imitation is as easy as it is tiresome. The invention of pointless slang + phrases without real suggestion or merit is one of our most familiar forms + of factory-made humour. Now the English people are apt to turn away from + the whole field of slang. In the first place it puzzles them—they + don't know whether each particular word or phrase is a sort of idiom + already known to Americans, or something (as with O. Henry) never said + before and to be analysed for its own sake. The result is that with the + English public the great mass of American slang writing (genius apart) + doesn't go. I have even found English people of undoubted literary taste + repelled from such a master as O. Henry (now read by millions in England) + because at first sight they get the impression that it is "all American + slang." + </p> + <p> + Another point in which American humour, or at least the form which it + takes, differs notably from British, is in the matter of story telling. It + was a great surprise to me the first time I went out to a dinner party in + London to find that my host did not open the dinner by telling a funny + story; that the guests did not then sit silent trying to "think of + another"; that some one did not presently break silence by saying, "I + heard a good one the other day,"—and so forth. And I realised that + in this respect English society is luckier than ours. + </p> + <p> + It is my candid opinion that no man ought to be allowed to tell a funny + story or anecdote without a license. We insist rightly enough that every + taxi-driver must have a license, and the same principle should apply to + anybody who proposes to act as a raconteur. Telling a story is a difficult + thing—quite as difficult as driving a taxi. And the risks of failure + and accident and the unfortunate consequences of such to the public, if + not exactly identical, are, at any rate, analogous. + </p> + <p> + This is a point of view not generally appreciated. A man is apt to think + that just because he has heard a good story he is able and entitled to + repeat it. He might as well undertake to do a snake dance merely because + he has seen Madame Pavlowa do one. The point of a story is apt to lie in + the telling, or at least to depend upon it in a high degree. Certain + stories, it is true, depend so much on the final point, or "nub," as we + Americans call it, that they are almost fool-proof. But even these can be + made so prolix and tiresome, can be so messed up with irrelevant detail, + that the general effect is utter weariness relieved by a kind of shock at + the end. Let me illustrate what I mean by a story with a "nub" or point. I + will take one of the best known, so as to make no claim to originality—for + example, the famous anecdote of the man who wanted to be "put off at + Buffalo." Here it is: + </p> + <p> + A man entered a sleeping-car and said to the porter, "At what time do we + get to Buffalo?" The porter answered, "At half-past three in the morning, + sir." "All right," the man said; "now I want to get off at Buffalo, and I + want you to see that I get off. I sleep heavily and I'm hard to rouse. But + you just make me wake up, don't mind what I say, don't pay attention if I + kick about it, just put me off, do you see?" "All right, sir," said the + porter. The man got into his berth and fell fast asleep. He never woke or + moved till it was broad daylight and the train was a hundred miles beyond + Buffalo. He called angrily to the porter, "See here, you, didn't I tell + you to put me off at Buffalo?" The porter looked at him, aghast. "Well, I + declare to goodness, boss!" he exclaimed; "if it wasn't you, who was that + man that I threw off this train at half-past three at Buffalo?" + </p> + <p> + Now this story is as nearly fool-proof as can be. And yet it is amazing + how badly it can be messed up by a person with a special gift for mangling + a story. He does it something after this fashion: + </p> + <p> + "There was a fellow got on the train one night and he had a berth reserved + for Buffalo; at least the way I heard it, it was Buffalo, though I guess, + as a matter of fact, you might tell it on any other town just as well—or + no, I guess he didn't have his berth reserved, he got on the train and + asked the porter for a reservation for Buffalo—or, anyway, that part + doesn't matter—say that he had a berth for Buffalo or any other + place, and the porter came through and said, 'Do you want an early call?'—or + no, he went to the porter—that was it—and said—" + </p> + <p> + But stop. The rest of the story becomes a mere painful waiting for the + end. + </p> + <p> + Of course the higher type of funny story is the one that depends for its + amusing quality not on the final point, or not solely on it, but on the + wording and the narration all through. This is the way in which a story is + told by a comedian or a person who is a raconteur in the real sense. When + Sir Harry Lauder narrates an incident, the telling of it is funny from + beginning to end. When some lesser person tries to repeat it afterwards, + there is nothing left but the final point. The rest is weariness. + </p> + <p> + As a consequence most story-tellers are driven to telling stories that + depend on the point or "nub" and not on the narration. The storyteller + gathers these up till he is equipped with a sort of little repertory of + fun by which he hopes to surround himself with social charm. In America + especially (by which I mean here the United States and Canada, but not + Mexico) we suffer from the story-telling habit. As far as I am able to + judge, English society is not pervaded and damaged by the story-telling + habit as much as is society in the United States and Canada. On our side + of the Atlantic story-telling at dinners and on every other social + occasion has become a curse. In every phase of social and intellectual + life one is haunted by the funny anecdote. Any one who has ever attended a + Canadian or American banquet will recall the solemn way in which the + chairman rises and says: "Gentlemen, it is to me a very great pleasure and + a very great honour to preside at this annual dinner. There was an old + darky once—" and so forth. When he concludes he says, "I will now + call upon the Rev. Dr. Stooge, Head of the Provincial University, Haroe + English Any Sense of Humour? to propose the toast 'Our Dominion.'" Dr. + Stooge rises amid great applause and with great solemnity begins, "There + were once two Irishmen—" and so on to the end. But in London, + England, it is apparently not so. Not long ago I had the pleasure of + meeting at dinner a member of the Government. I fully anticipated that as + a member of the Government he would be expected to tell a funny story + about an old darky, just as he would on our side of the water. In fact, I + should have supposed that he could hardly get into the Government unless + he did tell a funny story of some sort. But all through dinner the Cabinet + Minister never said a word about either a Methodist minister, or a + commercial traveller, or an old darky, or two Irishmen, or any of the + stock characters of the American repertory. On another occasion I dined + with a bishop of the Church. I expected that when the soup came he would + say, "There was an old darky—" After which I should have had to + listen with rapt attention, and, when he had finished, without any pause, + rejoin, "There were a couple of Irishmen once—" and so on. But the + bishop never said a word of the sort. + </p> + <p> + I can further, for the sake of my fellow-men in Canada and the United + States who may think of going to England, vouchsafe the following facts: + If you meet a director of the Bank of England, he does not say: "I am very + glad to meet you. Sit down. There was a mule in Arkansas once," etc. How + they do their banking without that mule I don't know. But they manage it. + I can certify also that if you meet the proprietor of a great newspaper he + will not begin by saying, "There was a Scotchman once." In fact, in + England, you can mingle freely in general society without being called + upon either to produce a funny story or to suffer from one. + </p> + <p> + I don't mean to deny that the American funny story, in capable hands, is + amazingly funny and that it does brighten up human intercourse. But the + real trouble lies, not in the fun of the story, but in the painful waiting + for the point to come and in the strained and anxious silence that + succeeds it. Each person around the dinner table is trying to "think of + another." There is a dreadful pause. The hostess puts up a prayer that + some one may "think of another." Then at last, to the relief of everybody, + some one says: "I heard a story the other day—I don't know whether + you've heard it—" And the grateful cries of "No! no! go ahead" show + how great the tension has been. + </p> + <p> + Nine times out of ten the people have heard the story before; and ten + times out of nine the teller damages it in the telling. But his hearers + are grateful to him for having saved them from the appalling mantle of + silence and introspection which had fallen upon the table. For the trouble + is that when once two or three stories have been told it seems to be a + point of honour not to subside into mere conversation. It seems rude, when + a story-teller has at last reached the triumphant ending and climax of the + mule from Arkansas, it seems impolite, to follow it up by saying, "I see + that Germany refuses to pay the indemnity." It can't be done. Either the + mule or the indemnity—one can't have both. + </p> + <p> + The English, I say, have not developed the American custom of the funny + story as a form of social intercourse. But I do not mean to say that they + are sinless in this respect. As I see it, they hand round in general + conversation something nearly as bad in the form of what one may call the + literal anecdote or personal experience. By this I refer to the habit of + narrating some silly little event that has actually happened to them or in + their sight, which they designate as "screamingly funny," and which was + perhaps very funny when it happened but which is not the least funny in + the telling. The American funny story is imaginary. It never happened. + Somebody presumably once made it up. It is fiction. Thus there must once + have been some great palpitating brain, some glowing imagination, which + invented the story of the man who was put off at Buffalo. But the English + "screamingly funny" story is not imaginary. It really did happen. It is an + actual personal experience. In short, it is not fiction but history. + </p> + <p> + I think—if one may say it with all respect—that in English + society girls and women are especially prone to narrate these personal + experiences as contributions to general merriment rather than the men. The + English girl has a sort of traditional idea of being amusing; the English + man cares less about it. He prefers facts to fancy every time, and as a + rule is free from that desire to pose as a humourist which haunts the + American mind. So it comes about that most of the "screamingly funny" + stories are told in English society by the women. Thus the counterpart of + "put me off at Buffalo" done into English would be something like this: + "We were so amused the other night in the sleeping-car going to Buffalo. + There was the most amusing old negro making the beds, a perfect scream, + you know, and he kept insisting that if we wanted to get up at Buffalo we + must all go to bed at nine o'clock. He positively wouldn't let us sit up—I + mean to say it was killing the way he wanted to put us to bed. We all + roared!" + </p> + <p> + Please note that roar at the end of the English personal anecdote. It is + the sign that indicates that the story is over. When you are assured by + the narrators that all the persons present "roared" or "simply roared," + then you can be quite sure that the humorous incident is closed and that + laughter is in place. + </p> + <p> + Now, as a matter of fact, the scene with the darky porter may have been, + when it really happened, most amusing. But not a trace of it gets over in + the story. There is nothing but the bare assertion that it was + "screamingly funny" or "simply killing." But the English are such an + honest people that when they say this sort of thing they believe one + another and they laugh. + </p> + <p> + But, after all, why should people insist on telling funny stories at all? + Why not be content to buy the works of some really first-class humourist + and read them aloud in proper humility of mind without trying to emulate + them? Either that or talk theology. + </p> + <p> + On my own side of the Atlantic I often marvel at our extraordinary + tolerance and courtesy to one another in the matter of story-telling. I + have never seen a bad story-teller thrown forcibly out of the room or even + stopped and warned; we listen with the most wonderful patience to the + worst of narration. The story is always without any interest except in the + unknown point that will be brought in later. But this, until it does come, + is no more interesting than to-morrow's breakfast. Yet for some reason or + other we permit this story-telling habit to invade and damage our whole + social life. The English always criticise this and think they are + absolutely right. To my mind in their social life they give the "funny + story" its proper place and room and no more. That is to say—if ten + people draw their chairs in to the dinner table and somebody really has + just heard a story and wants to tell it, there is no reason against it. If + he says, "Oh, by the way, I heard a good story to-day," it is just as if + he said, "Oh, by the way, I heard a piece of news about John Smith." It is + quite admissible as conversation. But he doesn't sit down to try to think, + along with nine other rival thinkers, of all the stories that he had + heard, and that makes all the difference. + </p> + <p> + The Scotch, by the way, resemble us in liking to tell and hear stories. + But they have their own line. They like the stories to be grim, dealing in + a jocose way with death and funerals. The story begins (will the reader + kindly turn it into Scotch pronunciation for himself), "There was a Sandy + MacDonald had died and the wife had the body all laid out for burial and + dressed up very fine in his best suit," etc. Now for me that beginning is + enough. To me that is not a story, but a tragedy. I am so sorry for Mrs. + MacDonald that I can't think of anything else. But I think the explanation + is that the Scotch are essentially such a devout people and live so + closely within the shadow of death itself that they may without + irreverence or pain jest where our lips would falter. Or else, perhaps + they don't care a cuss whether Sandy MacDonald died or not. Take it either + way. + </p> + <p> + But I am tired of talking of our faults. Let me turn to the more pleasing + task of discussing those of the English. In the first place, and as a + minor matter of form, I think that English humour suffers from the + tolerance afforded to the pun. For some reason English people find puns + funny. We don't. Here and there, no doubt, a pun may be made that for some + exceptional reason becomes a matter of genuine wit. But the great mass of + the English puns that disfigure the Press every week are mere pointless + verbalisms that to the American mind cause nothing but weariness. + </p> + <p> + But even worse than the use of puns is the peculiar pedantry, not to say + priggishness, that haunts the English expression of humour. To make a + mistake in a Latin quotation or to stick on a wrong ending to a Latin word + is not really an amusing thing. To an ancient Roman, perhaps, it might be. + But then we are not ancient Romans; indeed, I imagine that if an ancient + Roman could be resurrected, all the Latin that any of our classical + scholars can command would be about equivalent to the French of a cockney + waiter on a Channel steamer. Yet one finds even the immortal Punch citing + recently as a very funny thing a newspaper misquotation of "urbis et + orbis" instead of "urbi et orbos," or the other way round. I forget which. + Perhaps there was some further point in it that I didn't see, but, anyway, + it wasn't funny. Neither is it funny if a person, instead of saying + Archimedes, says Archimeeds; why shouldn't it have been Archimeeds? The + English scale of values in these things is all wrong. Very few Englishmen + can pronounce Chicago properly and they think nothing of that. But if a + person mispronounces the name of a Greek village of what O. Henry called + "The Year B.C." it is supposed to be excruciatingly funny. + </p> + <p> + I think in reality that this is only a part of the overdone scholarship + that haunts so much of English writing—not the best of it, but a lot + of it. It is too full of allusions and indirect references to all sorts of + extraneous facts. The English writer finds it hard to say a plain thing in + a plain way. He is too anxious to show in every sentence what a fine + scholar he is. He carries in his mind an accumulated treasure of + quotations, allusions, and scraps and tags of history, and into this, like + Jack Horner, he must needs "stick in his thumb and pull out a plum." + Instead of saying, "It is a fine morning," he prefers to write, "This is a + day of which one might say with the melancholy Jacques, it is a fine + morning." + </p> + <p> + Hence it is that many plain American readers find English humour + "highbrow." Just as the English are apt to find our humour "slangy" and + "cheap," so we find theirs academic and heavy. But the difference, after + all, is of far less moment than might be supposed. It lies only on the + surface. Fundamentally, as I said in starting, the humour of the two + peoples is of the same kind and on an equal level. + </p> + <p> + There is one form of humour which the English have more or less to + themselves, nor do I envy it to them. I mean the merriment that they + appear able to draw out of the criminal courts. To me a criminal court is + a place of horror, and a murder trial the last word in human tragedy. The + English criminal courts I know only from the newspapers and ask no nearer + acquaintance. But according to the newspapers the courts, especially when + a murder case is on, are enlivened by flashes of judicial and legal humour + that seem to meet with general approval. The current reports in the Press + run like this: + </p> + <p> + "The prisoner, who is being tried on a charge of having burned his wife to + death in a furnace, was placed in the dock and gave his name as Evans. Did + he say 'Evans or Ovens?' asked Mr. Justice Blank. The court broke into a + roar, in which all joined but the prisoner...." Or take this: "How many + years did you say you served the last time?" asked the judge. "Three," + said the prisoner. "Well, twice three is six," said the judge, laughing + till his sides shook; "so I'll give you six years." + </p> + <p> + I don't say that those are literal examples of the humour of the criminal + court. But they are close to it. For a judge to joke is as easy as it is + for a schoolmaster to joke in his class. His unhappy audience has no + choice but laughter. No doubt in point of intellect the English judges and + the bar represent the most highly trained product of the British Empire. + But when it comes to fun, they ought not to pit themselves against the + unhappy prisoner. + </p> + <p> + Why not take a man of their own size? For true amusement Mr. Charles + Chaplin or Mr. Leslie Henson could give them sixty in a hundred. I even + think I could myself. + </p> + <p> + One final judgment, however, might with due caution be hazarded. I do not + think that, on the whole, the English are quite as fond of humour as we + are. I mean they are not so willing to welcome at all times the humorous + point of view as we are in America. The English are a serious people, with + many serious things to think of—football, horse racing, dogs, fish, + and many other concerns that demand much national thought: they have so + many national preoccupations of this kind that they have less need for + jokes than we have. They have higher things to talk about, whereas on our + side of the water, except when the World's Series is being played, we have + few, if any, truly national topics. + </p> + <p> + And yet I know that many people in England would exactly reverse this last + judgment and say that the Americans are a desperately serious people. That + in a sense is true. Any American who takes up with an idea such as New + Thought, Psychoanalysis or Eating Sawdust, or any "uplift" of the kind + becomes desperately lopsided in his seriousness, and as a very large + number of us cultivate New Thought, or practise breathing exercises, or + eat sawdust, no doubt the English visitors think us a desperate lot. + </p> + <p> + Anyway, it's an ill business to criticise another people's shortcomings. + What I said at the start was that the British are just as humorous as are + the Americans, or the Canadians, or any of us across the Atlantic, and for + greater Certainty I repeat it at the end. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's My Discovery of England, by Stephen Leacock + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY DISCOVERY OF ENGLAND *** + +***** This file should be named 3532-h.htm or 3532-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/3/3532/ + +Produced by Gardner Buchanan, The Distributed Proofers Team, and David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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