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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/35294-8.txt b/35294-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..159b999 --- /dev/null +++ b/35294-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6773 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Wife's Duty, by Amelia Alderson Opie + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Wife's Duty + A Tale + +Author: Amelia Alderson Opie + +Release Date: February 15, 2011 [EBook #35294] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A WIFE'S DUTY *** + + + + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + + + + + + + + +A WIFE'S DUTY. + + [Illustration: Country House scene by _A H Payne_] + ["Dearest Helen! why should we ever leave this paradise of sweets?"] + + + + + A + WIFE'S DUTY, + A Tale + + by + Mrs. Opie + + [Illustration: A view between Paris and Marseilles] + + + + + "There is no killing like that which kills the heart." + SHAKSPEARE. + + + LONDON: + PUBLISHED BY GROVE AND SON, + TRINITY STREET, SOUTHWARK. + 1847. + + + + + A WIFE'S DUTY, + + + BEING A CONTINUATION OF A + "WOMAN'S LOVE." + + PART THE SECOND. + +I am only too painfully aware, my dear friend, that in my history of +a "Woman's Love," I have related none but very common occurrences +and situations, and entered into minute, nay, perhaps, uninteresting +details. Still, however common an event may be, it is susceptible of +variety in description, because endlessly various is the manner in which +the same event affects different persons. Perhaps no occurrence ever +affected two human beings exactly in the same manner; but as the rays +of light call forth different hues and gradations of colour, according +to the peculiar surfaces of the objects on which they fall, so common +circumstances vary in their results and their effects, according to the +different natures and minds of those to whom they occur. + +My trials have been, and will no doubt continue to be, the trials of +thousands of my sex; but the manner in which I acted under them, and +their effect on my feelings and my character, must be peculiar to +myself. And on these alone I can presume to found my expectation of +affording to you, while you read, the variety which keeps attention +alive, and the interest which repays it. + +In the same week which made me a bride Ferdinand De Walden left England, +unable to remain near the spot which had witnessed the birth of his +dearest hopes, and would now witness the destruction of them. + +I could have soothed in a degree the "pangs of despised love," by +assuring him that I was convinced nothing but a prior attachment could +have prevented my heart from returning his love. I could have told +him that I seemed to myself to have two hearts; the one glowing with +passionate tenderness for the object of its first feelings, the other +conscious of a deep-rooted and well-founded esteem for him. But it was +my duty to conceal this truth from him, as such an avowal would have +strengthened my hold on his remembrance, and it was now become his duty +to forget. + +My mother not very long after my marriage wounded my feelings in a +manner which I could not soon recover. I was speaking of De Walden with +that warmth of regard which I really felt for him, and lamenting that +I should probably now see him no more, when, with a look of agony for +which I was not prepared, she begged me never to mention the name +of De Walden to her again; for that her only chance of being able to +reconcile herself to the marriage which I had made, was her learning +to forget the one which she had so ardently desired. + +Eagerly indeed did I pledge my word to her, that I would in future never +name De Walden. + +The first twelve months of my wedded life were halcyon days; and the +first months of marriage are not often such,--perhaps they never are, +except where the wedded couple are so young that they are not trammelled +in habits which are likely to interfere with a spirit of accommodation; +nor even then, probably, unless the temper is good and yielding on both +sides. It usually takes some time for the husband and wife to know each +other's humours and habits, and to find out what surrender of their own +they can make with the least reluctance for their mutual good. But we +had youth, and (I speak it not as a boast) we had good temper also. +Seymour, you know, was proverbially good-natured; and I, though an only +child, had not had my naturally happy temper ruined by injudicious +indulgence. + +You know that Seymour and I went to Paris, and thence to Marseilles, not +very long after we were married, and returned in six months, to complete +the alterations which we had ordered to be made to our house, under the +superintendence of my mother. + +We found our alterations really deserving the name of improvements, and +Seymour enthusiastically exclaimed, "O Helen! never, never will we leave +this enchanting place. Here let us live, my beloved, and be the world to +each other!" + +My heart readily assented to this delightful proposition, but even then +my judgement revolted at it. + +I felt, I knew that Pendarves loved and was formed for society. I was +sure that by beginning our wedded life with total seclusion, we should +only prepare the way for utter distaste to it; and concealing my own +inclinations, I told him I must stipulate for three months of London +every spring. My husband started with surprise and mortification at +this un-romantic reply to his sentimental proposal, nor could he at all +accede to it; but he complained of my passion for London to my mother, +while the country with me for his companion was quite sufficient for his +happiness. + +"These are early times yet," replied my mother coldly; and Seymour was +not satisfied with the mother or the daughter. + +"Seymour," said I one day, "since you have declared against keeping +any more terms, and will therefore not read much law till you become a +justice of the peace, pray, tell me how you mean to employ yourself?" + +"Why, in the first place," said he, "I shall read or write. But my first +employment shall be to teach you Spanish. I cannot endure to think that +De Walden taught you Italian, Helen." + +"But you taught me to love, you know, therefore you ought to forgive +it." + +"No, I cannot rest till I also have helped to complete your education." + +"Well, but I cannot be learning Spanish all day." + +"No; so perhaps I shall set about writing a great work." + +"The very thing that I was going to propose, though not exactly a great +work. What think you of a life of poor Chatterton, with critical remarks +on his poems?" + +"Excellent! I will do it." + +And now having given him a pursuit, I ventured to indulge some +reasonable hopes that home and the country might prove to him as +delightful as he fancied that they would be; and what with studying +Spanish, with building a green-house, with occasional writing, with +study, with getting together materials for this life, and writing +the preface, time fled on very rapid pinions; and after we had been +married two years, and May arrived a second time, Seymour triumphantly +exclaimed, "There, Helen! I believe that you distrusted my love for the +country; but have I once expressed or felt a wish to go to London?" + +"The ides of March are come, but not gone," I replied; "and surely if I +wish to go, you will not deny me." + +"No, Helen, certainly not," said he in a tone of mortification; "if I am +no longer all-sufficient for your happiness." + +Alas! in the ingenuousness of my nature, I gave way when he said this to +the tenderness of my heart, and assured him that my happiness depended +wholly on the enjoyment of his society; and I fear it is too true that +men soon learn to slight what they are sure of possessing. Had I been an +artful woman, and could I have condescended to make him doubtful of the +extent of my love, by a few woman's subterfuges; could I have feigned a +desire to return to the world, instead of owning, as I did, that all my +enjoyment was comprised in home and him; I do think that I might have +been for a much longer period the happiest of wives; but then I should +have been, in my own eyes, despicable as a woman, and I was always +tenacious of my own esteem. + +May was come, but not gone--when I found my husband was continually +reading to me, after having previously read to himself, the accounts in +the papers of the gaieties of London. + +"What a tempting account this is, Helen, of the Exhibition at Somerset +House!--I should like to see it. Seeing pictures is an elegant rational +amusement. And here are soon to be a ball and supper at Ranelagh. A fine +place Ranelagh for such an entertainment." + +Here he read a list of routs and cotillion balls at different places; +but one day he read, with infinite mortification, that our uncle, Mr. +Pendarves, had given a ball on the return of his son-in-law to +Parliament. + +"How abominable," cried Seymour, "for my uncle to give a ball, and not +invite us to go up to it!" + +"You forget," replied I, "that, knowing our passion for the country, and +that we had abjured the world, he did not like to ask us, because he +knew he should be refused." + +"I am not so sure he would have been refused, Helen; or, as to having +abjured the world--No, no; we are not such fools as to do that--are we, +my dearest girl?" + +"We are bound by no vows, certainly; and, as soon as retirement is +become irksome to you, we can go to London." + +"Did I say that retirement was grown irksome? Oh, fie! such an idea +never entered my thoughts: besides, as this fine ball is over, what +should we go to London for?" + +"There may be other fine balls, and fine parties, you know." + +"True; but really, Helen, I begin to believe you wish to go to London." + +"If you do, I do certainly." + +"I!--Not I indeed. Ah, Helen! I suspect you are not ingenuous with me; +and you do wish to go." + +I only smiled: but I soon found that the book did not get forward, that +the newspapers were anxiously expected, and that my Spanish master +sometimes forgot his task in the indulgence of reverie; and I debated +within myself, whether it would not be for our interest and our domestic +comfort, to propose to go to London, in order to conceal from him as +long as I could that I was not sufficient for his happiness; and that he +would live and die a man of the world. I was the more ready to do this, +because I wished that my mother should not see my empire was on the +decline. Why did I so wish? I hoped it was because I was desirous to +spare her any anxiety for my peace; but I fear it also was because I did +not like that she should have cause to suspect her choice for me was +likely to have proved a better one than my own. (I believe I have +observed before, how strong my conviction is, that there is scarcely +such a thing in nature as a single motive of action.) + +I therefore, in the presence of my mother, hinted a wish to go to London +for six weeks. She started, and looked suspiciously at Pendarves; while +he, with an odd mixture of surprise, joy, and mortification in his +countenance, exclaimed-- + +"Do I hear right, Helen? Are you, after all you have declared, desirous +of going to London?" + +"I am: 'Variety is charming,' says the proverb; and here you know it is +_toujours perdrix_!" + +"Well, there, madam," said Pendarves, turning to my mother, "you will +now, I hope, believe what I assured you of some time ago, that Helen +had a passion for London?" + +"_C'est selon_," replied my mother, "to use a French phrase, in answer +to Helen's," and darting, as she spoke, a penetrating glance at me. + +"I assure you," replied I, "that my wish to go to London originates with +myself, as I believe that this journey to the metropolis is the wisest, +as well as the most agreeable thing I could desire." + +My mother sighed; and a "Well, my child, I have no reason to doubt your +word," broke languidly from her lips, while she suddenly rose and left +the room. + +"And are you really in earnest, Helen?" said Pendarves. + +"Never more so; and unless my proposal is very distasteful to you, I +beg you will write directly, and engage lodgings." + +"Distasteful! oh, no! quite the contrary. I shall be proud to exhibit my +lovely wife in London, where, no doubt, she will be as much admired as +she was abroad.--Do you think," he affectionately added, "that I have +forgotten the exquisite pleasure I experienced at seeing you the object +of general attraction wherever you moved?" + +This was said and felt kindly; still it did not inspire me with that +confidence which it seemed likely to inspire; for I, though I was +conscious of my husband's personal beauty, had no vanity to gratify in +exhibiting him to the London world. I had no wish to be the most envied +of women, it was sufficient for me to know that I was the happiest; and +I thought that, if Pendarves loved as truly as I did, the consciousness +of his happiness would have been sufficient for him. Still, I am well +aware how wrong it is to judge the love of others according to our own +capability of loving. As well, and as justly, might we confine beauty, +or the power of pleasing, to one cast of features or complexion. All +persons love after a manner of their own; and woe must befal the man or +woman who expects to be loved according to their own way and their own +degree of loving, without any consideration for the different character +and different feelings of the beloved object. + +"How absurd I am!" said I to myself, after I had shed some weak tears +in the solitude of my chamber, because Pendarves did not love me, I +found, as I loved him. "How absurd! True, he delights in the idea of +exhibiting me, and I have no wish to exhibit him. After all, he loves +more generously than I do, and my selfishness is nothing to be proud +of." + +Thus I reasoned with myself, and tried to fortify my mind to bear the +cares and the dangers which I had, on principle, provoked. + +"One word, Helen," said my mother, when she was alone with me after +what had passed relative to my projected journey: "Are you sure, my +dear child, that in urging your husband to go to London you have acted +wisely?" + +"As sure as the consciousness of my bounded vision of futurity can allow +me to be. I thought it better to forestal my husband's wishes than to +wait for the expression of them." + +"If not better, it was less mortifying," replied my quick-sighted +parent; and we said no more on the subject. + +In three days' time we had lodgings procured for us near Hanover Square; +and on the fourth day from that on which I made known my wishes, we set +off for London. But how different were the feelings of my husband and +myself on the occasion! He was all joy and pleased expectation, unmixed +with any painful regret or any anxious fears. But I left, for some +time, a tenderly beloved mother, and the scene of tranquil and certain +enjoyment. I was going, I knew, to encounter, probably, the influence +of rivals, both in men and women, in my husband's attentions, and the +dangerous power of long and early associations. And how did I know but +that into a renewal of intimacy with his former associates I was not +bringing my husband? But I had done what I thought right; and if I had +presumptuously acted on the dictates of human wisdom alone, I prayed, +fervently prayed, that the divine wisdom would take pity on my weakness, +and avert the courted and impending evil. + +I was many miles on my journey before I could drive from my mind the +recollection of my mother's countenance when we parted. It did not alone +express sorrow to part with me: it indicated anxiety, foreboding of +evil to happen before we met again; and it required all my husband's +enlivening gaiety and fascinating powers to revive my drooping spirits. +His gaiety, I must own, however, depressed rather than enlivened me at +first; for I was mortified to see with what delight he anticipated our +return to the great world: but, as I had no ill-tempered feelings to +oppose to the influence of his buoyant hilarity and his winning charm of +manner, they at length subdued my depression, and imparted to me their +own pleasant cheerfulness. + +"Dear, dear London!" cried Pendarves as our horses' hoofs first rattled +on its pavement, "Dear London! how I love thee! for here I was first +convinced how fondly Helen loved me!" So saying, he pressed me to his +heart, and a feeling of revived confidence stole over mine. + +We found my uncle and Mrs. Pendarves still in London; but I did not feel +as rejoiced on the occasion as they and my husband did. The latter was +glad because he had in them proper protectors for his wife, whenever +he was obliged to leave me; and the former, because they had really +an affection for us. But I knew so much of Mrs. Pendarves, by the +description I had heard of her from Lady Helen and my mother, and what I +had observed myself, that I dreaded being exposed to her home truths and +her indiscreet communications. + +It was not long before we found ourselves completely in the vortex of a +London life. And as, for the most part, my husband's engagements and +mine were the same, I lost the gloomy forebodings with which I left +home, and even lost my fears of Mrs. Pendarves. + +One day Pendarves told me he was going to dine with an old friend of +his, Maurice Witred; but, as I was not going out, he hoped to be back to +drink tea with me; but I expected him in vain, and he did not return +till bed-time. + +He told me he was sorry to have disappointed me; but his friend had +prevailed on him to go to the play. This excuse was so sufficient, and +his wish to accompany Mr. Witred so natural, that I should have had no +misgiving whatever had I not observed a certain degree of constraint in +his manner, and a consciousness as if he had not told me all. However, +I was satisfied with the alleged cause of his absence, and I slept as +soundly as usual. But the next morning came Mrs. Pendarves, saying she +was glad to find me alone. She told me she had met my husband, and she +had given him such a set to! (to use her own elegant phrase.) + +"And wherefore?" + +"Oh! for going to the play with Maurice Witred and his lady." + +"Lady! I did not know he was married." + +"He is not married; and it was very wrong, and had an ill-appearance for +a young, married man to be seen in public, though it was in a private +box, with a profligate man and his mistress. I thought he would not tell +you; but I was resolved you should know it, that you might scold him +with 'the grave rebuke of a severe youthful beauty and a grace.'" + +I did not reply, even to assure her I was better pleased that she +should scold my husband than that I should do it myself; for I knew +she was incorrigible, and her communication had thrown me into a +painful reverie; for I found that Pendarves had begun to practise +disingenuousness and concealment with me, and in the most dangerous +way; for he had concealed only half the truth; by which means persons +make a sort of compromise with their integrity, and lay a salvo to +their consciences; for they fancy they are not lying, though they are +certainly deceiving; whereas, if they tell a downright lie, they, at +least, KNOW they are sinning, and may be led by conscious shame into +amendment. But there is no hope for those who thus delude themselves; +and as _ce n'est que le prémier pas qui coute_, I felt that I had lost +some of my confidence in my husband's sincerity. Alas! when perfect +confidence between man and wife is once destroyed, there is an end to +perfect happiness! But I tried to shake off my abstraction; and I +listened as well as I could to my talkative companion, whose passion +was to give advice, that troublesome but common propensity in weak +people; and like such persons, she was always boasting of the advice she +had given, that which she would give, or of the dressings and _set-tos_ +which she had bestowed, or meant to bestow. At length, however, much to +my relief she went away, and not long after Pendarves returned. + +"So," said he, "I find Mrs. Pendarves has been with you, and suppose +(blushing as he spoke) that she has been telling tales of me?" + +"And of herself," I replied, smiling as unconcernedly as I could; "for +she owns to the presumption of having given you a _set-to_, as she calls +it." + +"Yes: but I suppose she told you the cause?" + +"No doubt." + +"And do you think it deserved so severe a lecture?" + +"I think it was not right in a respectable married man to seem to give +his countenance to such a connexion as the one in question; and I +suspect that you are of the same opinion." + +"I am; but why do you think so?" + +"From conceit; because I believe that fear of my censure made you +conceal from me what you had done." + +"True, most true--and my repugnance to tell you all proved to me still +more how wrong that all was." + +"My dearest Seymour," I replied, "believe me, that not all which you can +communicate to me can ever distress me so much as my consciousness of +your want of ingenuousness, and of your telling only half the truth can +do. I saw by your manner something was wrong, and I shall ever bless the +weak indiscretion of Mrs. Pendarves, because it led to this salutary +explanation; and I trust that the next time you go with Mr. Witred and +his lady to the play, you will mention both." + +"But I shall _never_ go with them again," eagerly replied my husband, +"as you, Helen think it improper." + +"But I may be too rigid in my ideas; and I beg you to be ruled by your +own judgment, rather than mine. All I ask is, to be told the whole +truth." + +Pleasant to my feelings then, and dear to my recollection since, is the +look of tenderness and approbation which Pendarves gave me as I spoke +these words; and when he left me, peace and confidence seemed restored +to my mind. + +The next evening was the fashionable night for Ranelagh, and my husband +and I, who dined out, were to accompany a large party to that scene of +gay resort. + +Ranelagh was the place for tall women to appear to advantage in. Little +women, however beautiful, were likely to be unnoticed in that circling +crowd; but, even unattended with beauty, height and a good carriage of +the person were sure to be noticed there. The pride which Pendarves took +in my appearance was never so fully gratified as at Ranelagh; for while +I leaned upon him, I used to feel my arm pressed gently to his side as +he heard or saw the admiration which my lofty stature (to speak modestly) +excited. This evening as I was quite a new face in the splendid round, +I was even followed as well as gazed at; and I was not sorry when our +carriage was announced, though I was flattered on my own account, +and pleased on my husband's; for I was eager to escape from some +particularly impertinent starers, especially as I found that Pendarves +was disposed to resent the freedom with which some men of high rank +thought themselves privileged to follow and to look at me. Before we +separated, some of the party proposed that we should meet again at +Ranelagh on the next night but one, and while I hesitated, my husband +exclaimed, "No mock modesty, Helen; no declining an opportunity, which +you must enjoy, of being admired. So, pray tell our friends you gladly +accede to their proposal." + +"I gladly accede to your proposal," cried I laughing, but blushing with +conscious vanity at the same time. + +"What an obedient wife!" cried one of the ladies; "public homage has not +spoiled her yet, I see." + +"Nor can it," replied I, "while I possess my husband's homage, which I +value far more." + +"While you possess it! Then, if his homage should fail you, you might +perhaps be pleased with the other?" + +"I humbly hope not: but if exposed to that bitter trial, I dare not +assert that I should not yield to it as scores of other women do +every day; for I must say, in defence of my sex, that good husbands, +generally speaking, make good wives; and that most women originally +value the attentions of their husbands more than those of other men. On +your sex, therefore, O false and fickle man! be visited the crimes of +ours!" + +This grave discourse provoked some laughter from my audience, from which +I was glad to escape to our carriage, which had waited for us while we +alighted. + +"So, Helen," said my husband as we went home, "it is your opinion, + + That when weak women go astray, + Their lords are more in fault than they." + +"It is." + +"And you said what you did as a gentle hint and a kind warning to me how +I behaved myself?" + +"Not so," said I eagerly: "I humbly trust that even your example would +not make me swerve from my duty; and my observation was a general one. +Still, my favourite and constant prayer is 'Let me not be led into +temptation;' and believe me, Pendarves, that she who is able to admit +that she may possibly err, is less liable to do so than the woman who +seems to believe she is incapable of it." + +"Helen," said my husband, "I never for one moment associated together +the idea of you and frailty: therefore, dear girl, I will carry you to +Ranelagh again and again; for I do love to see you admired! and I feel +proud while I think and know that even princes would woo your smiles in +vain." + +He kept his word, and we never missed a full night at Ranelagh. But one +evening completely destroyed the unmixed pleasure which I had hitherto +enjoyed there. + +We had not been round the room more than twice when we were joined by +Lord Charles Belmour, a former associate of my husband's, who, after a +little while, begged to have some private conversation with him; and +taking his arm, Pendarves consigned me to the care of the gentleman with +us, on whose other arm hung a lady to whom he was busily making love: +consequently, his attention was wholly directed to her, and I had +nothing to divert mine from the conversation which occasionally met my +ear between my husband and his noble friend, who walked close behind us. + +Sometimes this conversation was held in a low voice, and then I ceased +to listen to it; but when they spoke as usual, I thought I was justified +in attending to them. + +"Look there!" said Lord Charles, as we were passing a box in which sat +two ladies splendidly dressed, accompanied by two gentlemen, "look, +Pendarves, there is an old friend of yours!" + +"Ha!" said my husband, lowering his voice, "I protest it is she! I did +not know she was in England. Who are those men with her?" + +"What, are you jealous?" + +"Nonsense! Who are they?" + +"The man in brown is husband to the lady in blue; and for the sake of +associating with a titled lady, which your friend is, you know, he +allows his wife, who is not pretty enough to be in danger, to go about +with her and her _cher ami_--the young man in green. You know she was +always a favourite with young men." + +"True, and young indeed must the man be who is taken in by her +fascinations." + +"But she is wonderfully handsome still." + +"I hardly looked at her." + +"We are passing her again--_Now_, then, look at her if you dare." + +"Dare!" + +"Yes: for her eyes are very like the basilisk's." + +"I will risk it." + +_I_ too now looked towards the box we were approaching; at the end of +which stood a young man in green, hanging over a woman, who though no +longer young, and wholly indebted to art for her bloom, appeared to my +now jealous eyes the handsomest woman I had ever beheld. I also observed +that she saw and recognised my husband; for she suddenly started, and +looked disordered, while an expression of anger stole over her face. A +sudden stop in the crowd, to allow the PRINCE and his party to pass, who +were just entering, forced us to be stationary a few minutes before her +box. Oh! how my heart beat during this survey! But one thing gratified +me: I was sure as I did not see her bow her head or curtsy, that +Pendarves did not notice her. And yet, Lord Charles had, uncontradicted, +called her his old friend! + +Who, then, and what was she? would he tell me? Perhaps he would when he +got home; if he did not, I felt that I should be uneasy. + +We soon moved on again, and I heard Lord Charles say, + +"Cruel Pendarves, not even to look at or touch your hat to her! Surely +that would not have committed you in any way." + +"It would have been acknowledging her for an acquaintance, which I do +not now wish to do, especially in my wife's presence," I conclude he +said, for he spoke too low for me to hear; but I judge so from the +answer of Lord Charles. + +"Oh! then, if your wife was not present, you would not be so cruel?" + +"I did not say so." + +"No: but you implied it." + +"I deny that also." + +Then coming up to me, my husband again offered me his arm, and Lord +Charles left us. I soon after saw this beautiful woman walking in +the circle, and heard her named by the gentleman next me as Lady +Bell Singleton--a dashing widow more famed for her beauty and her +fascinations than her morals. But Pendarves said nothing; and though she +looked very earnestly at him, and examined me from head to foot as I +passed, I saw that he never turned his eyes on her, and seemed resolved +not to see her. + +I had therefore every reason to be pleased with my husband's conduct; +but I felt great distrust of Lord Charles. I thought he was a man, +from what I had overheard, whom I could never like as a companion for +Pendarves; and I disliked him the more, because, if I had given him +the slightest encouragement, he would have been my devoted and public +admirer, and would have delighted to make his attachment to me and our +intimacy the theme of conversation. I also saw that my cold reserve had +changed his partiality into dislike; and I could readily believe that he +would be glad in revenge to wean my husband from me. Still I could not +wish that I had treated him otherwise than I did; for I could not have +done it without compromising my sense of right, as half measures in such +cases are of no avail; and if a married woman does not at once show that +pointed and particular admiration is offensive to her, the man who +offers it has a right to think his devoirs may in time be acceptable. + +Here I may as well give you the character of this friend of my +husband's. + +Lord Charles Belmour was the son of the Duke of ----; and never was any +man more proud of the pre-eminence bestowed by rank and birth: but to +do him justice, he began life with a wish to possess more honourable +distinctions; and had he been placed in better circumstances, the world +might have heard of him as a man of science, of learning, and of talents. +But he had every thing to deaden his wish of studious fame, and nothing +to encourage it. Besides, he was too indolent to toil for that renown +which he was ambitious to enjoy; and instead of reading hard at college, +he was soon led away into the most unbounded dissipation, while he saw +honours daily bestowed on others which he had once earnestly wished to +deserve and gain himself. But he quickly drove all weak repinings from +him, proudly resolving in future to scorn and undervalue those laurels +which could now never be his. + +He therefore chose to declare it was beneath a nobleman, or even a +gentleman, to gain a prize, or take a high degree; and this assertion, +in which he did not himself believe, was quoted by many an idle dunce, +glad so to excuse the ignorance which disgraced him. + +But, spite of this pernicious opinion, Lord Charles never sought the +society of those who acted upon it; and Pendarves, who had distinguished +himself at Oxford, was his favourite companion there. + +When Lord Charles entered the world, he gave himself up to all its +vanities and irregularities. But he was conscious of great powers, and +also conscious that he had suffered them to run waste. Still if he could +not employ them in a way to excite admiration, he knew he could do so in +a way to excite fear; and after all, power was power, and to possess it +was the first wish of his heart. + +Accordingly, though conscious he had himself the follies which he +lashed, he had no mercy on those of his acquaintance; for, as he himself +observed, "it is easier to laugh at the follies of others than amend +one's own;" and though courted as an amusing companion, he was often +shunned as a dangerous one. + +Women, also, who defied him either as a suitor or an enemy, have rued +the day when they ventured to dispute his power: but, as I at length +discovered, there was one way to disarm him; and that was to own his +ability to do harm, and try to conciliate him as an active and +efficient friend. + +In that case his generous and kind feelings conquered his less amiable +ones, and his friendship was as sincere and valuable as his enmity was +pernicious. + +But, with no uncommon inconsistency, while he declared that he thought +a nobleman would disgrace himself if he sung well, or sung at all, or +entered the lists in any way with persons _ŕ talens_, he condescended +to indulge before those whom he respected in the lowest of all talents, +though certainly one of the most amusing, that of mimickry--a gift which +usually appertains to other talents, as a border of shining gold to the +fag end of a piece of India muslin, looking more showy indeed than the +material to which it adheres; but how inferior in value and in price! + +But to resume my narrative. My husband did _not_ mention Lady Bell to +me. The next time I went to Ranelagh with mixed feelings--for I dreaded +to see this lady again, and to observe that Pendarves had chosen at +length to own her for an acquaintance; for, had he been sure of never +renewing his acquaintance, why should he not have named her to me? + +It was also with contending feelings that I found myself obliged to have +Mrs. Pendarves as my companion; for though I wished to be informed on +the subject of my anxiety, I dreaded it at the same time: and I was sure +that she would tell me all she knew. + +A nephew of Mrs. Pendarves was our escort to Ranelagh; and my husband, +who dined with Lord Charles Belmour (much to my secret sorrow), was to +join us there. + +My eyes looked every where in search of Lady Bell Singleton, and at +length I discovered her. My companion did the same; and with a sort +of scream of surprise, she said, "Oh, dear! if there is not Lady Bell +Singleton! I thought she was abroad. Do you know, my dear, when she +returned to England?" + +"How should I know, madam? The very existence of the lady was a stranger +to me till the other evening." + +"Indeed! Why, do not you really know that is the lady on whose account +your mother forbade your marriage with Pendarves?" + +"No, madam, my mother was too discreet to explain her reasons." + +"Well, my dear, you need not look so uneasy--it was all off long before +he married you--though she is a very dangerous woman where she gets a +hold, and looks + + 'So sure of her beholder's heart, + Neglecting for to take them.'" + +I scarcely heard what she said, for a sick faint feeling came over me at +the consciousness that I was now in the presence of a woman for whom +Pendarves had undoubtedly felt some sort of regard; but it was jealousy +for the past, not of the present, that overcame me, though my husband's +total silence with regard to this lady was, I could not but think, an +alarming circumstance. And "it was on her account your mother forbade +your marriage with Pendarves" still vibrated painfully in my ears, when +Lord Charles and he appeared. With a smile by no means as unconstrained +as usual I met him, and accepted his proffered arm. Lord Charles walked +with us for a round or two--then left us, whispering as he did so, +"Remember! _do_ notice her, she expects it, and I think she has a right +to it." + +Pendarves muttered, "Well, if it must be so," and his companion +disappeared. + +"Soon after we saw him with Lady Bell Singleton leaning on his arm; and +I felt convinced he had made the acquaintance since we were last at +Ranelagh, as he never noticed her till that night. We were now meeting +them for the second time, and passing close to them, when I saw Lady +Bell pointedly try to catch my husband's eye: and no longer avoiding it, +he took off his hat, and civilly, though distantly, returned the cordial +but silent salutation which she gave him. + +"This," thought I, "is in consequence of Lord Charles's interference, +and explains what Pendarves meant by 'Well, if I must, I must.'" + +How I wished that he would break his silence on this subject, and be +ingenuous! But I felt it was a delicate subject for him to treat--and I +resolved to break the ice myself. + +"That was a very beautiful woman to whom you bowed just now," said I, +glad to find that Mrs. Pendarves was looking another way. + +"She _has_ been beautiful indeed!" was his reply. + +Then looking at me, surprised I doubt not at the tremor of my voice, he +was equally surprised at my excessive paleness, and with some little +sarcasm in his tone, he said, + +"My dear Helen, is my only bowing to a fine woman capable of making your +cheek pale, and your voice trembling?" + +"No," said I, "not so--you wrong me indeed; nor did I know that my cheek +was pale." I said no more, shrinking from the seeming indelicacy of +forcing a confidence which he was disposed to withhold. + +"Helen," said he, looking up in my face, "I see our aunt Pendarves has +been at her old work, telling tales of me. I protest I shall insist on +my uncle's sending her muzzled into your company." + +"The best way of muzzling her would be to anticipate all her +communications yourself. It would be such an effectual silence to a +woman like our little aunt, to be able to say, 'I know that already!'" + +"That's artfully put, Helen! But, really, there are some things which I +have respected you too much to name to you. A general knowledge of my +past faults and follies you have long had; but, from no unworthy motive, +I have shrunk from talking to you of any particular one: and I feel +pained and shocked, my beloved wife, to know that you are aware of that +lady's having once been very near, if not very dear, to me in the days +of my early youth." + +"Enough," said I, "enough! Forget that I know any thing which you wished +me not to know, and assure yourself that I will forget also." + +"You are a wise and good girl," he replied, kindly pressing the arm that +reposed in his: "but my little aunt is capable of making much mischief +between married persons, where the mind of the wife is weak, and her +temper suspicious." + +But how irritated I was against Lord Charles that evening! He forced +conversation with Pendarves whenever we passed him, and gave Lady Bell +an opportunity of fixing her dark eyes on him in a manner which having +once seen, I took care never to see again. I am sure it offended him as +much as it did me; for though Lady Bell was not absolutely excluded from +society, she was by no means a woman to be forced on the notice of any +man who had a virtuous wife leaning on his arm; and in returning her +bow, Pendarves had done all that civility required of him: but I am +convinced that Lord Charles wished to give me pain; and he was also in +hopes that I should resent the appearance of any acquaintance remaining +between the quondam lovers, and thereby occasion a coolness between my +husband and myself. + +This was the longest and the only painful evening I had ever passed at +Ranelagh; and from that moment I took such a dislike to it, that I was +very glad when the great heat of the weather made my usual companions at +such places substitute Vauxhall for Ranelagh. But at Vauxhall the same +lovely and unwelcome vision crossed my path; and I once overheard a +gentleman say, looking back at my husband, who had stopt to speak to +some ladies, "What a lucky fellow that Pendarves is! The two finest +women in the garden--aye, or in London, are his wife, and his quondam +mistress." The compliment to myself was deprived of its power to please +me, by these wounding words, my husband's "quondam mistress." And was +then that disgraceful connexion so well known? The thought was an +overwhelming one, and I began to resent my husband's having bowed to +this woman in my presence. But perhaps he was entreated to do so in +order to shield her reputation? If so, could he do otherwise? And as I +was always glad to find an excuse for Pendarves, I satisfied myself +thus, and my recent displeasure was forgotten. + +When we had extended the six weeks we meant to pass in London to two +months, I expressed a wish of returning into the country; and Seymour +complied with so little reluctance, that I prepared to return home with +a much lighter heart than I had expected ever to feel again. But +Mrs. Pendarves had a parting gift for me in her own way--a piece of +intelligence which clouded over the unexpected brilliancy of my home +prospects. + +"Well my dear niece," said she, "I am glad you are going, though I am +sorry to part with you; for I do not like Seymour's friend, Lord Charles +Belmour. He seems to me, my dear, to have, in the words of the poet, + + 'That low cunning which from fools supplies, + And aptly too, the means of being wise.' + +"And I have thought no good of him ever since I saw him come out of Lady +Bell Singleton's house with your husband." + +"What!" cried I, catching hold of a chair, for my strength seemed +suddenly to fail me, "does my husband visit Lady Bell?" + +"Yes, that once I am sure he did: but then I do not doubt but that Lord +Charles took him there; for I am told his great pleasure is to alienate +his married friends from their wives." + +Alas! from what a pinnacle of happiness and confidence did this foolish +woman cast me down in one moment! Reply I could not; and she went on to +give me one piece of advice, and that was, never, if I could help it, to +admit Lord Charles within my doors, and to discourage his intimacy with +my husband as much as I could. + +By this time I had a little recovered this overwhelming blow; and I +resolved in self-defence, and in defence of my husband's character, to +tell her I must believe she was mistaken in thinking she saw Pendarves +come out of Lady Bell's house; but whether that were true or false, I +must request her to keep such communications to herself in future, as a +wife was the last person whom any one should presume to inform of the +errors of her husband. But company came in; and soon after my uncle +drove up to the house in his travelling carriage, and in a few minutes +more they were both on the road to Cornwall. If Seymour, when he came +in, had found me alone with Mrs. Pendarves, he would have attributed the +strange abstraction of my manner to some information which she had given +me; but he now imputed it to the head-ach of which I complained; and +when my visitors went he urged me to go and lie down. + +This was unfortunate, as I should have disliked excessively to tell +him what his aunt had seen, and to let him observe how uneasy the +communication had made me; for I was aware that a wife whose jealousy is +so very apt to take alarm, is as troublesome to a husband as one whose +nerves are so weak that she goes into a fit at the slightest noise, and +starts at the mere shutting of a door. Still, my husband's ignorance of +the cause of my indisposition was a great trial to me; for it forced me +to have, for the first time, a secret from him. And he too, it seemed, +was keeping a secret from me; for, spite of my entreaties that he would +always tell me himself what it might grieve me to hear from others, he +had called on Lady Bell Singleton, without telling me that he had done +so! + +Alas! I did indeed lie down, and I did indeed darken my room; but it +was to hide my agitation and my tears: nor till Pendarves went out to +dinner, which, with some difficulty I prevailed on him to do, did I +suffer the light to penetrate into my apartments, or my swollen eye-lids +to be seen of any one. But then I rose; then, too, I rallied my spirits; +for, in the first place I was cheered by my husband's affectionate +unwillingness to leave me, and in the next I had nearly convinced myself +that Mrs. Pendarves had not seen him when she fancied she did. + +By this resolute endeavour to look only on the bright side, I was +enabled when my husband returned, which he did very early, to receive +him with unforced smiles and cheerfulness. + +The next day we set off immediately after breakfast on our journey +home; and I met my mother with a countenance so happy, that the look of +anxious inquiry with which she beheld me was immediately exchanged for +one of tearful joy. + +"Thank God! my dearest child," she fervently exclaimed, "that I see you +again, and see you thus!" + +Why had she looked so anxious, and so inquiringly? and why was she thus +so evidently surprised, as well as rejoiced? + +No doubt, thought I, she is in correspondence with our gossiping aunt, +and she has told my mother all she told me.--No doubt, also, she has all +along been that secret source whence was derived my mother's fear of +uniting me to Pendarves.--But then, was not her information derived from +her husband, and was it not always only too authentic? + +As these thoughts passed my mind, it was well for me that my mother was +talking to Seymour, and did not observe me. + +Two months had greatly embellished the appearance of our abode; and it +looked so green and gay, and was so fragrant from the summer flowers, +that Pendarves, always alive to present objects and present impressions, +exclaimed as we followed my mother through the grounds, "Dearest Helen! +why should we ever leave this paradise of sweets? Here let us live and +die!" + +"Agreed," said I; and my mother looked at us with delighted eyes, but +eyes that beamed through tears. + +Calm and tranquil were the months that followed--though my husband's +brow was always clouded when letters arrived bearing the London +post-mark; and when I asked who his correspondent was, he answered, +"Lord Charles;" but never communicated to me the contents of these +letters. + +In walking, riding, receiving and paying visits, passed the time till +September, when my husband had an invitation to spend a few days in +Norfolk, on a shooting excursion; and when he returned he found me +confined to my sofa with indisposition. Never had woman a tenderer nurse +than he proved himself during the three succeeding months: at the end of +that time I was quite recovered; and as he had business in London, he +declared his intention of going thither for some days, as he could not +bear, he said, to leave me some few months later, and when a time was +approaching so dear to his wishes and expectations. + +To London therefore he went, and left me to combat and indulge +alternately the fears of a jealous and the confidence of a tender wife. + +His letters became a study to me. I tried to find out by his expressions +in what state of mind he wrote. Sometimes I fancied them hurried, and +expressive of a mind not at ease with itself; then in another passage I +read the unembarrassed eloquence of faithful and confiding love. + +During his absence my mother found me a bad companion: I was for ever +falling into reverie, and a less penetrating eye than hers would have +discovered that my symptoms were those of mental uneasiness. + +At length he returned, and he gazed on my faded cheek and evidently +anxious countenance with such tender concern, that my care-worn brow +instantly resumed its wonted cheerfulness; and when my mother came to +welcome him, she was surprised at the alteration in my looks. + +"Foolish child!" said she in a faltering voice, when Pendarves left the +room, "Foolish child! to depend thus for happiness, nay health and life +itself perhaps, on one of frail and human mould! I see how it is with +you: you were ill and anxious yesterday, but he is come, and you need no +other physician." + +"Did you see much of Lord Charles?" said I the next day, looking +earnestly for my needle while I spoke, as I was conscious that my +countenance was not tranquil. + +"No--yes--on the whole I did. But why do you ask? I believe he is no +favourite of yours." + +"Certainly not." + +"But I hope, Helen, you are not so _very_ a wife as to wish me to give +up an old friend merely because he does not please you?" + +"No: I am not so unreasonable, even though I could give substantial +reasons for my dislike." + +"And pray what are these reasons? Oh! that reminds me of a joke Lord +Charles has against you, Helen. He tells me he is sure you thought that +he fell in love with you when, on being first presented to you, he +expressed his admiration in his usual frank way, which means nothing; +for he says your prudery took alarm, and you drew up your beautiful +neck to its utmost height, and have My lorded and Your lordship'd him +ever since into the most awful distance." + +"True; but for a manner that means nothing, I never saw a manner more +offensive to a modest wife. However, I am very glad he has been so +clear-sighted as to my motives; for I wish him to know that I do not +love such marked homage from him, or any other friend of yours, even in +a joke." + +"You are piqued, Helen." + +"I am." + +"Perhaps you wish me to call Lord Charles out? But indeed were I to call +out all the men who look at you with admiring eyes, I should soon sleep +with my fathers, or send numbers to sleep with theirs. No, no, excuse +me, Helen. I will not quarrel with Lord Charles; for even if the fire +ever was kindled, your snow has now completely extinguished it; and I do +assure you he is a very good fellow, though odd, and not always +pleasant." + +"Is he paying his court to that Lady Bell?" said I, speaking her name +with difficulty, and preceding it with an impertinent, _that_. + +"I really--I--cannot say positively. But that Lady Bell, as you +emphatically call her, has quarrelled with that fine young man whom you +saw at Ranelagh, and perhaps it is on his account." + +I said no more; for I saw his colour heighten, and that his manner was +hurried: and I tried to believe that the quarrel was wholly on Lord +Charles Belmour's account. + +I now however took myself seriously to task; for was I not violating a +wife's duty in trying to find errors in the conduct of my husband? and +was I not by so doing endangering my own peace of mind, my health, and +consequently, in my situation, my life? Was I not also depressing those +spirits, and weakening those powers of exertion which ought to make home +agreeable and alluring to the dear object of my weak solicitude? + +The result of this severe self-examination was, that I resolutely +determined to turn away from every anxious and jealous suggestion, to +believe as long as I could, that my husband was as deserving of my +love and confidence when absent as he was when present, and to make a +vigorous effort to stop myself on my way to being a fretful, jealous, +and miserable wife. + +Nor did I break my resolution, as you well know, my dear friend; for, if +I had, you would never have even fancied that I deserved to be exhibited +as an example of a wife's duty. But if I had not begun to school myself +when I did, all would have been over with me. + +I cannot help observing here, that this painful jealousy, which I +endured so early in my married life, was owing to my having, in despite +of my mother's wise prohibition, united myself to a man of the steadiness +of whose principles I had had too much reason to doubt; and I could not +help saying to myself sometimes,--"If I had married De Walden, I should +have had none of these misgivings." + +As the hour of my confinement drew nearer and nearer, Seymour's tender +attentions increased; and at length, after severe suffering I became a +mother; but scarcely had I been allowed to gaze upon my child, scarcely +had I heard its first faint cry,--that sound which thrills so powerfully +through the heart,--when its voice was stopt by death, and it closed its +eyes for ever. + +I am afraid I should have borne this affliction very ill, had I not been +obliged to exert myself to quiet the fears of my husband and my mother +for my life, as they thought that the shock might be fatal. + +I had also to console them; for they were both grieved and disappointed. +But their feelings were transitory; mine were still in full force when +they believed they were forgotten: for, besides the sorrow I felt for +the loss of that being whose helpless cry still vibrated in my ears, I +felt that I had lost in it a strong cement to the tie which bound my +husband to me. Nor till I found myself again likely to become a mother +was I really consoled. + +A circumstance happened which induced me to conceal my situation; and +this was an invitation which my mother received from the Count De +Walden, to accompany his sister, and her husband back to Switzerland +when they left England, which they were then visiting, and to stay some +months with him and Ferdinand De Walden. + +This invitation I well knew she would refuse, if she knew that accepting +it would prevent her being with me during my period of suffering; and I +allowed her to depart for Switzerland, with the expectation of returning +time enough to attend on me. + +I own that this was a great trial to my selfishness, as I knew I should +miss her greatly: but I thought the excursion would be so pleasing a +one to her, that I felt it my duty to make the sacrifice. I suffered my +husband to remain in ignorance also, lest he should betray me to her: +and I had judged rightly; for when I owned the truth to him, it was with +great difficulty I could prevail on him not to write, and say I had +deceived her. + +Alas! I had but too much reason to regret even this deception, which +might be called a virtuous one. + +It so happened that I had no married friend, or near relation, who could +come to be with me at that time; and as Pendarves wished me to have a +female companion, I was induced to accept the eagerly proffered services +of a young lady, the eldest daughter of a numerous family, who had +conceived a great attachment to my husband and me, and was very +solicitous to be with me during my confinement. + +This girl had such a warm and open manner, that I fancied her one of the +most artless of human beings; and I was so weak as to consider the gross +flattery which she lavished on me and on Pendarves, as the honest +overflowings of an affectionate heart. + +I was, I own, a little startled when she used to kiss my husband's +picture as it lay on my table, when she became my guest, and when I +saw her come behind him, and cut off a lock of his hair, but as she +afterwards begged for a piece of mine, that she might unite them in a +locket, I considered this little circumstance as nothing but a flight +of girlish romance. + +What Pendarves thought of it I know not; but he blushed excessively when +he saw that I observed it, and tried to take the hair from her; on which +a sort of romping ensued, that I thought vulgar, I own; but it called +forth no other feeling. + +Perhaps had she been handsome I should not have been so easy; but she +was in my eyes plain and could scarcely, I thought, be called a fine +girl. Besides, I had heard Seymour say she was dowdy and awkward. But +few men are proof against the flatteries and attentions of any woman +who is not old and ugly; and I soon found, though without any jealous +fear, that Charlotte Jermyn had power to amuse my husband, and that her +enthusiastic admiration of every thing which she liked was a source of +never-failing entertainment to him. + +He now was sufficiently intimate with her, he thought, to venture +to hint the necessity of a reform in her dress; and she wore better +clothes, became clean, if not neat, and in time she even learnt to look +rather tidy; while Pendarves was flattered to see the effect of his +admonitions, and used to reward her by challenging her to a long walk. + +At length, after I had been confined to my sofa some weeks, I had the +happiness of giving birth to a daughter; and my young nurse was most +kind and assiduous in her attendance upon me; indeed, so much so that +she often shortened my husband's visits, on the kind plea that I was +not yet strong enough to bear long ones from one so dear; and I, though +reluctantly, dismissed him. + +But I soon observed that her own visits became very short; that she +used still to kiss me, and call me "dearest creature!" and tell me how +beautiful I looked in my night-cap: but now, when I asked for her I was +told that she was gone out with Pendarves. And once, as he was standing +by my bedside, she was not contented with saying he had been with me +long enough, but she linked her arm in his, and dragged him away in a +manner at once hoydenish and familiar. + +I also saw that though she loaded my sweet baby with caresses when he +was present, and tried to take her from him, she scarcely noticed it +when he was absent. + +Still I felt no distrust, because I had confidence in my husband's +honour and affection. But I now saw that the countenances of my nurse +and my maid, when I inquired for Miss Jermyn, used to assume an angry +expression; and once my maid, muttered, that she supposed she was with +her master, for he could not stir but she was after him. + +This I did not seem to hear; but it made me thoughtful. + +When I had been confined three weeks, I was able to leave my chamber +for my dressing-room, which overlooked the garden; and one day, as I +ventured to the window for the first time, I saw Charlotte Jermyn +walking with my husband, and ever and anon hanging on his arm, almost +leaning her head against him occasionally, and looking up in his face +(he the while reading a book) with an expression of fondness which +alarmed and disgusted me. I then saw her snatch the book from him; and +as he tried to regain it, a great romping match ensued, and lasted till +they ran out of my sight, and left me pale, motionless, and miserable. +For I found that I had been exposing my husband to the allurements of a +coquettish romp; and though I acquitted both him and her of aught that +was wrong, I still felt that no prudent wife would place the man she +loved in such a situation. + +Many, many a wife, it is well known, has had to rue the hour when at +a period like this she has introduced into her family a young and +seemingly attached friend. + +What was to be done? I saw that the servants were aware of what was +passing, and they would not judge with the candour that I did. + +I therefore convinced myself that regard for my husband's reputation, +and not jealousy, determined me to get down stairs and out again as fast +as possible, in order that I might make some excuse for sending my +dangerous attendant away, or at least be a guard over her conduct. + +But, to my great surprise and joy, my beloved mother arrived most +unexpectedly that morning; for I had insisted on her not returning +sooner on my account, as I was so well. However, she did come; and I +received her with rapture for more reasons than one; for now I had an +excuse for sending Miss Jermyn away directly, as I wanted the best room +for my mother. + +Accordingly, I told her that in two day's time my mother would take up +her abode with us for a few weeks; and that as Mrs. Jermyn had long been +desirous of her return, I hoped she would hold herself in readiness to +set off for home on the next day but one, as my mother always slept in +the room which _she_ occupied. + +"O dearest Mrs. Seymour! do not send me away from you," cried the +strange girl, clasping and wringing her hands, "or I shall die with +grief; for I shall think you do not love me, and I shall never survive +it!" + +The time for my belief in such rhodomontade was now happily past, and I +coolly replied, "that in no other but the best and most convenient room +in the house could I allow my mother to sleep; therefore she must go." + +"Why so, Mrs. Seymour? I can sleep any where. There is a press bed in +the little room; and I care not where I sleep, so I am but permitted to +stay." + +Here she attempted to throw her arms fondly round me, while she repeated, +"Do, there's a sweet woman, do let me stay!" + +"Impossible!" I replied, disengaging myself with a look of aversion from +her embrace. On which she started up and exclaimed, + +"I am sure some one has been telling you stories of me, and you are set +against me!" + +"There is no one in this house, Miss Jermyn, who would presume to say +any thing to me against any guest of mine." + +"And pray, does Mr. Pendarves know I am to be sent away at a moment's +warning?" + +"He does not yet know that you are going away at two day's notice, to +make room for my mother, and that I may enjoy her society, after a long +absence, uninterrupted." + +"Oh! if that be all, I will promise never to interrupt your +_tęte-ŕ-tętes_." + +"They will not be _tęte-ŕ-tętes_: my husband will be of our party." + +"And pray," answered she with great sullenness, "how am I to go home? I +am sure Mr. Pendarves will not approve of my going home in the stage +without a protector." + +"Nor would his wife: and I will settle the mode of conveyance with him." + +"Oh! if I must go, I will see if I cannot settle that myself." + +At this moment my mother entered the room, and with her my husband; and +Miss, to hide her disordered countenance, abruptly disappeared. + +"What is the matter with Miss Jermyn?" said Seymour: and I told him, but +in a voice that was not as assured as I wished it to be. + +"So soon!" cried he, starting. "Is it not too sudden? Will it not look +as if she was sent away in a hurry?" + +"Sent away in a hurry!" exclaimed my mother, looking earnestly in his +face. "Why should any one suspect that?" + +"Oh, dear! No one ought, certainly; but after her having staid so +long--However, I think she has been here long enough, and the sooner she +goes the better." + +"Then, as you think thus, and her mother has long wished for her, her +departure shall remain fixed for the day after to-morrow, and"--Here I +was interrupted by Seymour's being called out of the room: he did not +return for some minutes; when he did, he seemed disturbed. + +During his absence the nurse brought me my child; and both my mother and +myself were too agreeably engaged with her to talk of Charlotte Jermyn. +But Seymour's evident abstraction and uneasy countenance drew my +mother's attention to him; and after a moment's thought she said, "That +seems a very strange presuming girl, Seymour; and I really think with +you it is time she were gone." + +"Oh, yes, certainly! and she is very willing to go." + +"So much the better," replied my mother; while I suppressed, for fear +of alarming her suspicions, the "How do you know that?" which was on my +lips; for, if her feelings were so changed, he must have changed them; +and she it was who had desired him to be called out of the room. + +Seymour's horses now came to the door; but before he left us I begged to +know how he meant Miss Jermyn should travel. + +"She came," said I, "in the coach which passes our gate; but then her +mother's maid came with her, and I cannot spare a servant to attend +her." + +"I can drive her home in my curricle: if we set off at five in the +morning, we can perform the journey with ease before dark." + +Pendarves said this in a hurried conscious manner, which did not escape +the quick eye of my mother; and while I hesitated how I could best +word my decided objection to this plan, which would I knew excite +disagreeable observations amongst the servants, that ever watchful +friend replied, "Hear my plan, which is far better than yours. The +mornings are yet dark and cold at five: lend me your horses for my +chariot; and as I want to visit a friend of De Walden's, who lives +half way to Mr. Jermyn's, with whom I have business, I will take this +opportunity of going. My maid shall accompany us, and while I stay at +Mr. Dumont's she shall see Miss Jermyn safe to her father's." + +"Well, if Miss Jermyn likes this plan." + +"She would prefer going with you, no doubt," said I smiling; "but as +this plan will be a convenience to my mother, we need not consult her +wishes." + +"O no! very true, very true," said he in a fluttered tone (_but not +owning that he had promised to drive her_): "and when I return from my +ride, I shall expect to find you have arranged every thing with her." + +He then ran down stairs and galloped off, as if to avoid speaking to +Charlotte; for I saw her from the window run along the path to the road, +to catch his eye if she could, and give him a signal to stop and speak +to her. + +Soon after she joined us; and I thought I saw a triumphant meaning on +her countenance, which increased to a look of almost avowed exultation, +when, on my saying, "Now let us tell you how we have arranged matters +for your journey," she eagerly interrupted me, and exclaimed, "Oh! I +have arranged that with Mr. Pendarves, and he is to drive me in his +curricle." + +I did not answer her, for her look disconcerted me; but my mother did, +coldly saying, "Mr. Pendarves did mean to do so, but for my convenience +he has changed his plan." + +She then went on to inform her what the new plan was; and the mortified +indignant girl burst into tears, and left the room. + +"That is a very self-willed, pernicious young person, I suspect," +observed my mother: "but I flatter myself that her journey with me will +do her some good; at least, if it does not, it shall not be my fault." + +Then, being too wise and too delicate to say more, she changed the +subject: nor was any allusion made to Miss Jermyn till Seymour returned +on foot; for he left his horse at the stables; and as he saw us in the +drawing-room, which was on the ground floor, he came in at the window, +being impatient, he said, to welcome me down stairs. + +But he had probably another reason for that mode of entrance. He feared, +I suspect, that Charlotte Jermyn would want to speak to him, and he was +not disposed to listen to her reproaches for having given up his design +of driving her home. + +My suspicions were confirmed by my seeing her walking along the path +which commanded the approach to the house, and this path Seymour had +avoided by going to the stables: but she did not long remain there, for +on looking towards the house she saw my husband standing at the window +with me, with one arm round my waist, while with his other hand he was +stroking the cheek of the child which I held to my bosom, and was +rocking to rest. + +Happy as I was at this moment, I could not help throwing a hasty glance +towards this strange girl, who now rapidly drew near; and as she passed +the window curtsied to us, with a countenance in which every unamiable +feeling seemed to be uppermost. + +She then threw open the hall door with violence, threw it to with the +same force, then ran to her own chamber, and closed the door of that +with such energy that it could be heard all over the house. Nor did we +see her again till dinner, when, though she had taken uncommon pains +with her dress, her eyes were swelled with crying, and her whole +appearance so indicative of gentle sorrow that Seymour's voice softened +even into tenderness when he addressed her, and mine was consequently +as strikingly cold and severe. Meanwhile, my mother was a silent but an +observant spectator; and both Pendarves and Miss Jermyn seemed oppressed +by the penetrating glance of her eye. + +In the evening Seymour proposed reading to us aloud; and as I wished to +sit up late for reasons you may easily guess, I was glad of so good an +excuse as staying to hear an interesting book would be: but I had reason +to repent having allowed feeling to prevail over prudence: for when +my mother came to me the next day she found I had caught cold, and, +together with the fatigue of sitting up too late, was in no condition +to go down that day at all. Nor could my mother bear to leave me: +consequently, I had the mortification of finding that in trying to avoid +a slight evil I had fallen into a greater. But my mother, who had, I +doubt not, heard from her maid what the servants had observed, requested +Miss Jermyn would be so kind as to sit with us, and teach her two sorts +of work which she excelled in; and she could not without great incivility +refuse compliance. However, at the hour when she was accustomed to +walk with Seymour, she started up, declaring she could stay no longer, +because it was her last day there, and she was sure Mr. Pendarves would +walk with her. We could not object to this on any proper ground; and she +was putting her knitting and netting into her work bag, when we heard a +carriage drive to the door, and a servant came up to inform me that Lord +Charles Belmour was below, and his master desired him to say he meant to +dine with us. + +Little did I think that Lord Charles would ever be a welcome guest to +me; but at this moment he was so, for I saw that Charlotte Jermyn looked +disappointed. My joy however vanished when I recollected that it was by +no means desirable Lord Charles should witness this indiscreet girl's +evident attachment to Pendarves; and just before she went to her own +apartment, my mother said, to my great relief, "You must then dine with +us to-day, Miss Jermyn; for you are too young and too old at the same +time to be the only female at a table where Lord Charles Belmour is." + +"Well, if I _must_, I must," was her reply; and she left us. + +But while I was rejoicing that circumstances would force her to dine +with us, I heard her rapidly ascending the stairs; and throwing open the +door hastily, she told us, with a look of delight, that she was going +to walk; for Lord Charles had brought his sister Lady Harriet with +him, whom he was conveying home from school for the holidays, and Mr. +Pendarves had told her she must do the honours to the young lady as I +was not able to attend her. "And so," she added, "I must also dine +below, for he told me so." And without waiting for our opinion or reply, +she again disappeared, and we soon after saw her laughing with Lord +Charles on the lawn, as if she had known him for years. + +"How he will show her off," said my mother, "to-day! That young man has +more ingenuous malignity about him than any one I ever saw. When I was +nursing Seymour at Oxford, he came to see him; and in order to make the +poor invalid laugh, he used to make masters, deans, and fellow-commoners +pass in rapid succession before us, like the distorted figures in a +magic lantern." + +This view of what was likely to happen was a relief to my mind; for I +had not expected that Lord Charles would try to draw her forth for his +own amusement; I had feared he would be contented to amuse himself with +observing her admiration of Pendarves. + +When they returned from their walk, I was vexed to observe that Lady +Harriet held her brother's arm, not my husband's; and I also saw that +Charlotte leaned on him, and looked up in his face in the same improper +manner as she did when they were alone. I was very glad that Lord +Charles and his sister walked before them. + +Pendarves now came up stairs to beg, as I was not able to dine below, or +see Lord Charles otherwise, that I would go to the window and kiss my +hand to him in token of welcome; for that he was afraid to stay, because +he believed he was a disagreeable guest, and that I kept up stairs +merely because he was come. He also begged that I would after dinner +admit Lady Harriet for a few minutes. + +I promised compliance with both these requests, and went to the window +directly. + +Lord Charles answered my really cordial salutation with a most lowly +bow, and a countenance meant to express every thing that was respectful +and courteous, and drew from my mother, to whom he also bowed, the +observation of "Graceful coxcomb!" Now do I fancy him saying within +himself, 'There, I have made that haughty old woman believe that I +respect her and her loftiness to her heart's content.' + +Pendarves could not help smiling at this right reading, as it probably +was, of his satirical friend's thoughts: but he assured her that +admiration the most unbounded was, as well as respect, felt by his +friend towards her; and that he considered a woman of her age as in the +prime of her charms. + +"Nonsense!" cried my mother; and my husband, laughing, returned to Lord +Charles. + +Charlotte Jermyn did not come to us before she went down to dinner, as +she had Lady Harriet with her; but, when they left the dinner-room, I +desired to see them in mine: and for the first time I thought her +pretty; for her cheeks glowed with a very brilliant and becoming +colour, which added to the fire of her eyes; and her dress was neat +and lady-like. She had the countenance, too, of one who had been much +commended, and felt certain that the commendations were sincere. + +"I am glad she is going to-morrow," said I mentally, and I sighed at the +same time. Lady Harriet was a good foil to her, except in manners: for +there could be no comparison: and by the side of Lady Harriet, Miss +Jermyn was pretty. + +As soon as they had had coffee the brother and sister drove off, but not +before Lord Charles had fixed to return that day fortnight to dinner, on +condition of my dining below. + +When they were gone my mother went down to make the tea; and after that +meal was ended she asked if there was any objection to Seymour's going +on in my dressing-room with the book which he began the night before, +and in his reading till it was time for me to go to rest. + +He complied instantly, and read till I was tired. + +My mother then proposed that he should read me to sleep: to this also he +agreed, and while I lay with the curtains closed round, my mother, he +and Charlotte sat round the fire; and it was eleven before I ceased to +hear, and Pendarves retired to his own chamber. + +My mother then went away, desiring Charlotte to be ready at six, as she +should breakfast with her at that hour. But, as I afterwards found, she +reached our house on foot before six, and just as Pendarves came down +stairs. + +By these apparently undesigned circumstances my mother prevented any +scene that might have called forth unpleasant observations in the +family; but, she could not prevent a most sorrowful parting on the side +of the young lady. She wept, she sobbed, she leaned against Seymour's +shoulder when he put his lips to her cheek; and he was nearly obliged to +carry her to the carriage; for she declared she would not go till she +had taken leave of me: but my mother was as positive that I should not +be disturbed, and Pendarves gently forced her to the door. + +What passed between my mother and her when they were on the journey and +alone,--for the maid always preferred travelling outside,--I do not +know: but I suspect that she animadverted on her conduct and want of +self-control in a manner more judicious than pleasant. + +During these vexatious occurrences I must own that it was a sort of +comfort to me, that my aunt Pendarves had such inflamed eyes that she +could not write; for otherwise the chances were that she might hear +some exaggerated accounts of our visitor's conduct, and might think it +necessary to address one of us on the subject, and give us good advice. + +Well: this pernicious girl was gone, and my mind at ease again. Still, +I feared that she had done me a serious injury: not that I believed she +had alienated my husband's heart from me, or from propriety; but she +had been the first person to accustom him to find amusement at home +independent of me and of the exertion of my talents. He was an indolent +man, and she had amused him, and beguiled away his hours, without +obliging him to any exertion of mind. Besides, she was not only a new +companion, but a new conquest. He was certainly flattered by it, and +evidently interested. I was led to draw these conclusions by observing +the gapish state into which Pendarves fell the day after her departure. + +He seemed to miss an accustomed dram. He gave me indeed, on my +requesting it, a lesson in Spanish, which I had long neglected; but he +seemed to do it as if it was a trouble, and he was too absent to make +the lesson of much use. I however forbore to remark what I could not but +painfully feel, and I fancied that my best plan would be to contrive +some new objects of interest at home, if I could: but on second thoughts +I resolved to propose that he should visit a sick friend of his at +Malvern hills, for a few days, as I believed it not to be for my +interest he should stay to contrast his present with his late home; but +that he should go away to return from an invalid and the cold hills of +Malvern, to me and his own comfortable dwelling. + +I no sooner named my plan to him than he eagerly caught at it, declaring +that he wished to go, but feared that I should think the wish unkind. +Accordingly, he only staid to see my mother comfortably settled as my +guest, and then set off for Malvern. Nor did he return till three or +four days before he expected Lord Charles. By that time I had recovered +my bloom and my strength, and our infant had acquired a fortnight's +growth,--an interesting event in the life of a young parent; and I +assure you it was thought such by Pendarves: and while he complimented +me on my restored comeliness, and held his little Helen in his arms, I +felt that he had no thought or wish beyond those whom he clasped and +looked upon. + +I could now join him again in his walks, and in his rides or drives. + +My mother threw a great charm over our evenings by her descriptions of +the country which she had so lately seen, and of the scientific men with +whom she had associated. But Seymour and I both fancied that she was +rather reserved and embarrassed when she talked of Count De Walden. Nor +could I help being desirous of finding out the reason. One day I told +her how sorry I was to think that she shortened her agreeable visit +entirely on my account; but, as if thrown off her guard, she eagerly +replied, "Oh, no! I was very glad of an excuse for coming away;" and +this was followed by such manifest confusion of countenance and manner, +that I suspected the reason, and at last I prevailed on her to confess +it. + +The truth was that Count De Walden, who had admired her in America, when +she was a wife, as much as an honourable man can admire the wife of +another, could not live in the same house with a woman still lovely, and +even more than ever intellectual and agreeable, without feeling for her +a very sincere affection; and as their ages were suitable, he made her +proposals of marriage of the most advantageous and generous nature. But +my mother could not love again: and though at her time of life, and that +of her lover, she thought that mutual esteem and the wish to secure a +companion for declining years was a sufficient excuse for a second +marriage; still, she had an unconquerable aversion to form any connexion, +and more especially one which would remove her to such a distance from +me. When she told me how strongly she had been solicited, and that the +advantages which she should ultimately secure to me by this union were +held up to her in so seducing a light, as nearly once to overset her +resolution, I was so overcome by the thought of the escape which I had +had, that I threw my arms round her, and bursting into an agony of tears +exclaimed, "What could have ever made me amends for losing you? The very +idea of it kills me." + +My mother was excessively affected when I said this; but I soon saw that +her tears were not tears of tenderness alone; and looking at me with an +expression of sadness on her countenance, she said, "Two years ago, my +poor child, you would have better borne the idea of such a separation; +and had I been a jealous person I should have been hurt to see how +completely a husband can supersede even a mother. But I was pleased to +see this, because I saw in it a proof that you were a happy wife: but +perhaps you have now an idea, though still a happy wife I trust, of the +great value of a parent, and can appreciate more justly that love which +nothing can ever alienate, or ever render less." + +What could I answer her, and how? + +I did not attempt to speak, but I continued to hold her in my arms, and +at last I could utter, "No, no, I never, never can bear to part with +you." + +That day Lord Charles Belmour came, according to his promise, and just +as I had convinced myself that it was my duty to overcome my dislike +to him, and to endeavour to convert him from an enemy into a friend. +Accordingly, I went down to dinner prepared to receive him with even +smiles; but recollecting, when I saw him, his impudent assertion, that +his admiration of me meant nothing, and that I was an alarmed prude, my +usual coldness came over me, while the deepest blushes dyed my cheeks. + +However, I extended my hand to him, which he kissed and pressed; and as +he relinquished it he turned up his eyes and muttered "Angelic woman!" +in a manner so equivocal, that, consistent as it seemed with "his joke +against me," I could not help giving way to evident laughter. + +Lord Charles was too quick of apprehension to be affronted at my mirth; +on the contrary he felt assured and flattered by it. He had expressed +his admiration only in derision and impertinence, and as he saw that I +understood him, he felt we were much nearer being friends than we had +ever been before; and when our eyes met, a look almost amounting to one +of kindness passed between us. Lord Charles now became particularly +animated; but some allusion which he made to Lady Bell Singleton, while +addressing my husband, made me distrustful again, and I relapsed into +my usual manner; and he was My Lord and Your Lordship, during the rest +of the dinner. Nor could I be insensible to the look of menace which I +subsequently beheld in his countenance. It was not long before the storm +burst on my devoted head. + +"My dear madam," said he in his most affected manner, "you are a +prodigiously kind and obliging help-mate, to provide your _caro sposo_ +with so charming a _locum tenens_ when you are confined to your +apartments. I found my friend here with the prettiest young creature for +a companion! and then so loving she was!" + +"Loving!" said I involuntarily. + +"Oh, yes. Allow me to give you an idea of her." Immediately, to the +great annoyance of my husband, with all his powers of mimickry, he +exhibited the manner and look of Charlotte Jermyn, when looking up in +Seymour's face, and leaning against his arm, as I had myself seen her +do. + +"Is not that like her?" + +"Very," replied I forcing a laugh. + +"Now shall I mimick your husband, and show you how _he_ looked in +return? Shall I paint the bashful but delighted consciousness which his +look expressed--the stolen glance, the--" + +"Hush, hush!" cried Pendarves, anger struggling with confusion. "This is +fancy painting, and I like nothing but portraits." + +During this time I observed a struggle in my mother's breast, and I sat +in terror lest she should say something severe to the noble mimick, and +make matters worse. + +But after this evident struggle, which I alone observed, she leaned her +arms on the table, and fixed her powerful eyes steadfastly on Lord +Charles, looking at him as if she would have dived into the inmost +recesses of his heart. + +It was in vain that he endeavoured to escape their searching glance; +even his assurance felt abashed, and his malignant spirit awed, till his +audacious and ill-intentioned banter was looked into silence, and he +asked for another bumper of claret to drink my health. I was before +overpowered with gratitude to the judicious yet quiet interference of +this admirable parent, and the recollection of our morning's conversation +was still present to me. No wonder, therefore, that my spirits were +easily affected, and that I felt my eyes fill with tears. + +At this moment I luckily heard my child cry; and faltering out, "Hark! +that was my child's voice," I hastened to the door; but unfortunately +the pocket-hole of my muslin gown caught in the arm of my mother's +chair, and Lord Charles insisted on extricating me. + +I could now no longer prevent the tears from flowing down my cheeks; +which being perceived by him, he said, in a sort of undertone, "Amiable +sensibility! There I see a mother's feelings!" On which my mother, +provoked beyond endurance, said, in a low voice, but I overheard it, "My +lord, my daughter has a wife's feelings also." + +I was now disengaged happily, and I ran out of the room. + +When I arrived in the nursery I found I was not wanted. I therefore +retired to my own apartment, where I gave way to a violent burst of +tears. I had scarcely recovered myself, and had bathed my eyes again and +again in rose water, when my husband entered the room. + +He had witnessed my emotion, and he could not be easy without coming to +inquire after me, on pretence that the child's cry had alarmed him. + +This affectionate attention was not lost upon me, and I went down stairs +with him with restored spirits, and in perfect composure. + +My mother, who had walked to her own house, was only just entering the +door as we appeared; therefore Lord Charles had been left alone; and +whether he thought this an affront to his dignity or not, I cannot tell; +but we did not find him in a more amiable mood than when we left him. + +After looking at me very earnestly, while sipping his coffee, he came +close up to me, and said, resuming his most affected tone, "Pray! what +eye-water do you use?" + +"Rose water only," was my reply. + +"Very bad, 'pon honour; I must send you some of mine, as you are a +person of exquisite sensibility, and I fancy it is likely to be tried. +Upon my word, it took me a week to compose it; and as I occasionally +read novels, and the _Tęte-ŕ-tęte Magazine_, (which is, you know, +exceedingly affecting), I use it continually in order to preserve the +lustre of my eyes; and you see that in spite of my acute feelings they +retain all their pristine brilliancy." + +As he said this, neither Pendarves nor myself, though provoked at his +noticing my swelled eyes, could retain our gravity; for the eyes, which +he had thus opened to their utmost extent, were of that description +known by the name of boiled gooseberries, and were really dead eyes, +except when the rays of satirical intelligence forced themselves through +them: for the sake of exciting a laugh, he had now dismissed from them +every trace of meaning, and consequently every tint of colour. + +His purpose effected, he resumed his sarcastic expression; and turning +from me with a look full of sarcastic meaning, he said, "Ah! _comme de +coutume_--after tragedy comes farce." + +My mother now asked him whether he had ever seen her house and garden; +and on his answering in the negative, she challenged him to take a walk +with her. + +"I never," replied he, bowing very low, "refused the challenge of a fine +woman in my life; and till my horses come round, I am at your service, +madam." Then, hiding his real chagrin under a thousand impertinent +grimaces, he followed my mother. + +"I would give something to hear their conversation," said Pendarves, +thoughtfully. + +"And so would I: no doubt it will be monitory on her part." + +"Monitory! What for?" + +"If you do not know, I am sure I shall not tell you." + +And with an expression of conscious embarrassment on his countenance, +my husband asked me to walk with him round the shrubbery. + +My mother and Lord Charles did not return till the carriage was driving +up. We examined their countenances with a very scrutinizing eye; but on +my mother's all we could distinguish was her usual expression of placid +and dignified intelligence; that of Lord Charles exhibited its usual +_cattish_ and alarming look. + +What had passed, therefore, we could not guess; but we saw very clearly, +that we should not be justified in joking on the subject of their +_tęte-ŕ-tęte_; and simply saying that it was beyond the time fixed for +his departure, Lord Charles now respectfully kissed my hand, and told +Pendarves he hoped he should soon see him in London. He then left the +room without taking the smallest notice of my mother, and was driving +off before my husband could ask him a reason of conduct so strange. + +"Pray, madam," said Pendarves, when he returned into the room, "did Lord +Charles take leave of you?" + +"He did not." + +"Then I solemnly declare that before we ever meet again he shall give me +a sufficient reason for his impertinence, or apologize to you; for there +lives not the being who shall dare, while I live, to affront you with +impunity." + +"My dear, dear son," cried my mother, "look not so like, so _very_ +like--" + +Here her voice failed her, and she leant on Seymour's shoulder, while he +affectionately embraced her. Dear to my heart were any tokens of love +which passed between my mother and my husband. + +Seymour's strong likeness to my father in moments of great excitement +always affected her thus, and endeared him to her. + +When my mother recovered herself, she desired Pendarves would remain +quiet, and not trouble himself to revenge her quarrels. + +"Indeed," said she, "I am much flattered, and not affronted, by the +rudeness of Lord Charles, as it proves that what I said to him gave him +the pain which I intended. The wound therefore will rankle for some +time, and produce a good effect. Nor should I be surprised if he were to +send me a letter of apology in a day or two; for, if I read him aright, +he has understanding enough to value the good opinion of a respectable +woman, and would rather be on amicable terms with me than not." + +"I hope you are right," replied Pendarves; "for I do not wish to quarrel +with him: yet I will never own as my friend the man who fails in respect +to you." + +"I thank you, my dear son," said my mother with great feeling, and the +evening passed in the most delightful and intimate communion. Nor I +really believe, were Charlotte Jermyn or Lord Charles again remembered. +So true is it, that when the tide of family affection runs smooth and +unbroken, it bears the bark of happiness securely on its bosom. + +Shortly after Lord Charles's visit I was so unwell, that I was +forbidden to nurse my child any longer, and I had to endure the painful +trial of weaning and surrendering her to the bosom of another. But most +evils in this life, even to our mortal vision, are attended with a +counter-balancing good. + +At this time it was the height of the gay season in London, and I saw +that my husband began to grow tired of home, and sigh for the busy +scenes of the metropolis, whither, had I been still a nurse, I could not +have accompanied him: but now, however unwilling I might be to leave my +infant, I felt that it must not interfere with the duty which I owed its +father; for my mother had often said, and my own observation confirmed +the truth of the saying, that alienation between husband and wife has +often originated in the woman's losing sight of the duty and attention +she owes the father of her children, in exclusive fondness and attention +to the children themselves, and she often warned me against falling into +this error. + +She therefore highly approved my intention to leave my babe under her +care, and accompany Pendarves to London, where she well knew he was +exposed to temptations and to dangers against which my presence might +probably secure him. + +"Yes: my child!" said she, as if thinking aloud, for I am sure she did +not intend to grieve me, "Yes, go with your husband while you can, and +have as few separate pleasures and divided hours as possible; for they +lead to divided hearts. But if you have a large family you will not be +able to leave home. Go therefore while you can, and while I am with +you, and turn me to account while I am still here to serve you. That +time I know will be short enough!" + +It is not in the power of language to convey an adequate idea of the +agony with which I listened to these words. Never before had my mother +so pointedly alluded to her conviction that her health was decaying; and +if the idea of separation from her by a happy marriage was so painful to +my feelings, what must be the idea of that terrible and eternal +separation? + +Pendarves came in in the midst of my distress and almost fiercely +demanded who had been so cruelly afflicting me, fearing, no doubt, that +I had heard something concerning him, and naturally enough conceiving +that no great grief could reach me, except through that or from him. + +My mother gently replied, "She has been afflicting herself, foolish +child! I said, unwillingly I allow, what might have prepared her for an +unavoidable evil; but she chooses to fancy, poor thing! that I am not +mortal: yet, see here, Seymour!" As she said this she turned up her long +loose sleeves, and showed him her once fine arm fallen away +comparatively to nothing! + +I never saw my husband much more affected: he seized that faded arm, +and, pressing it repeatedly to his lips, turned away and burst into +tears--then folding us in one embrace he faltered out, "My poor Helen! +Well indeed might I find you thus!" But my mother solemnly promised that +she would never so afflict me again. + +In the midst of this scene a letter was brought to my mother. It was +from Lord Charles, and was so like the man, that I shall transcribe it. + + "Madam, + + "I doubt not but you were amazed, and probably offended, at my + quitting the house of your son-in-law without taking leave of + you, as you are not a woman likely to think my silence at the + moment of parting from you was to be attributed to the + tender passion which I had conceived for your beauty and + accomplishments. But, madam, if my silence was not attributable + to love, so neither was it caused by hate; and I beg leave, hat + in hand, and on bended knee, to explain whence my conduct + proceeded. In the first place, madam, you had given me a blow, a + stunning blow; and after a man has been stunned, he does not soon + recover himself sufficiently to know what he is about, and how he + ought to behave. In the next place, I endeavoured to remember how + the great Earl of Essex behaved when Queen Elizabeth gave him a + blow, or in other words a box on the ear (for blow I need not + tell a lady of your erudition is the _genus_, and box on the ear + the _species_). Now that noble Earl did not return the blow + (which I own I was very much inclined to do), but he departed in + silence from her presence, I believe; and so _I_ in imitation of + _him_ from yours. Methinks I hear you exclaim 'The little lord is + mad! I gave him no blow.' Not with your hand, I own; but with + your tongue, 'that unruly member,' as St. James so justly calls + it; you gave me a tingling blow on the cheek of my mind, which + it still feels, and for which perhaps it may be the better. It is + this consideration, and the belief that your motives were kind, + though your treatment was rough, and that you only meant, like + the bear in the fable, to guard me from a slight evil, though you + broke my head in doing it; it is this belief, I say, that now + throws me thus a suppliant at your feet, and makes me beg of you + to excuse all my rudeness, and all my faults, whether caused by + imitation of Lord Essex, or my own sinful propensities, and to + raise me up to receive not the kiss of peace, for to that I dare + not aspire, but to grasp and carry to my heart the white hand + tendered to me in token of forgiveness. + + "I am, madam, with the liveliest esteem, and the deepest respect, + your obliged, though stricken servant, + "CHARLES FIREBRAND." + +"Ridiculous person!" said my mother, when she had finished the letter, +giving it to me at the same time. + +When I had read it, I asked her to tell us what she had said to him. +"And why," said Pendarves, "does he sign himself Charles Firebrand?" + +"Oh! thereby hangs a tale," said my mother blushing, "which I, I assure +you, shall not tell: therefore ask me no questions. If ever Lord Charles +and I meet again, the white hand shall be tendered to him. Nay, perhaps +I shall answer his letter." + +And so she did; but we never saw what she wrote: however, I am +convinced, that she had called him a firebrand, and reproved him for his +evident desire of making mischief between my husband and me. Nor can I +doubt but that the justice of her reproofs made them more stinging to +the heart of the offender, and that he felt at the time a degree of +unspeakable and unutterable resentment, on which his cooler judgment +made him feel it impolitic to act; for he had, as my mother said, too +much good sense not to value her acquaintance. + +I must now return to Charlotte Jermyn. I forgot to say, that she wrote a +very fawning letter of thanks to me after her return home, thanking me +for my kindness to her, and hoping that I would send for her again +whenever she could be of any service to me. I have reason to think that +she also wrote more than once to my husband: but he never communicated +what she wrote to me; and I had the mortification to find how vainly I +had tried to give him those habits of openness and ingenuousness which +can alone render the nearest and tenderest ties productive of confidence +and happiness. + +Now, after a silence of four months, she again wrote to me to inform me +that she was married to a young ensign in a marching regiment quartered +near her father's house; but as it was against her father's consent, she +had been forced to go to Gretna Green, and that her father, Mr. Jermyn, +continued inexorable. + +This letter I communicated to my husband, who was, I found, already +acquainted with the circumstance, though he did not tell me by what +means he knew it. He also told me that her father has since assured her +of his forgiveness; but told her at the same time, that he could bestow +on her nothing else, as he had ten children, and a small income; and +that the young couple had nothing to live upon except the pay of an +ensign of foot. + +"I am sure _I_ can do nothing for her," Pendarves added; "for my own +wants, or rather my expenses, are beyond my means." + +"And were they not," answered I, "I do not feel that Charlotte Jermyn, +or rather Mrs. Saunders, has any claims on you." + +"Still, I would not let her starve, if I could help it; but I cannot." + +I did not like to ask whether she had applied to him to lend her money; +but I suspected that she had, and that he had refused: for soon after +I saw him receive a letter, which he read with an angry and flushed +countenance, and thrust into the fire, muttering as he did so, + +"Confounded fool, insolent!" + +I felt, however, that her visit to me, and the terms which we had been +upon, made it indispensable for me to give her a wedding gift, and I +sent her money instead of a present in consideration of her poverty, +desiring her to buy what she wanted most in remembrance of me. My letter +and its contents, much to the annoyance of us both, she answered in +person, bringing her husband with her; and they came with so evident +an intention of staying all night, spite of the coldness of their +reception, that we were forced to offer them a bed. + +The next day, however, even their assurance was not proof against the +repelling power of our cold civility, and they departed, neither of us +prejudiced in favour of the husband, and leaving me disgusted by the +wife's forward behaviour to Pendarves. + +I now, according to my mother's advice, proposed to Pendarves a visit to +London: but, to my great surprise, he seemed to have no relish for the +scheme; and telling me we would talk further about it, he dropped the +subject. + +Most gladly should I have welcomed this unwillingness to go to London, +if I could have attributed it to a preference for home and for the +country; but I had no reason to do this, and I feared it proceeded only +from inability to meet the expenses of a London establishment, even for +a few weeks; and of this I was soon convinced. + +I told you a few pages back, that I was so cruel as to rejoice in my +aunt's being rendered unable to write, by a violent inflammation in the +eyes; but as that did not deprive her of locomotion, most unexpectedly +one day, Mr. and Mrs. Pendarves drove up to my mother's door, and soon +after she accompanied them to our house. I was dressing when they +arrived, and I saw myself change even to alarming paleness when my +mother came up to announce them. I also saw she was as much disconcerted +as I was. + +"Oh! if my dear uncle had but come alone," said she, "the visit would +have been delightful!" But, here we were interrupted by Pendarves, who +came in with "So, Helen! I suppose you know who is come. Oh! that one +could but transfer the disease from the eyes to the tongue, and bandage +that up instead of the former! What shall we do? For, probably, as she +can't use her eyes, she makes her tongue work double tide." + +"Suppose," replied I, "we bribe our surgeon to assure her that entire +silence is the only cure for inflamed eyes?" + +"The best thing we can do," observed my mother, "is to bear with +fortitude this unavoidable evil; and also to try to remember her virtues +more than her faults." + +When I went down, I found my mother admiring her beaver hat and +feathers. + +"Yes," she replied, "I think my beaver very pretty. What is it the mad +poet says about 'my beaver?' Oh! I have it-- + + 'When glory like a plume of feathers stood + Perched on my beaver in the briny flood.'" + +"Do you then bathe in the sea with your beaver on?" said my mother. + +"Well! there's a question for a sensible woman!" cried my aunt, not +seeing the sarcasm: then turning to me, she welcomed me with a cordial +kiss; but I was struck by the great coldness with which she greeted +Seymour. + +My uncle, however, received us both with the kindest manner possible. + +But I forgave all her oddness, when she saw my child; for praise of her +child always finds its way to a mother's heart; and she was in raptures +with its beauty. She pitied me too for being forced to give her up to +a nurse; but she added, "I hope she is not, to use the words of the +bard, a + + 'Stern rugged nurse, with rigid lore, + Our patience many a year to bore.'" + +Then renewing her caresses and her praises, she banished from my +remembrance for a while all but her affectionate heart. + +At dinner, however, she restored to me my fears of her, and my dislike +to her visit; for she called my husband Mr. Seymour Pendarves at every +word, though my mother she called Julia, and me Helen;--wishing, as I +saw, to point out to every one that _he_ was not in her good graces. But +why? Alas! I doubted not but I should hear too soon; and, feeling myself +a coward, I carefully avoided being alone with her that evening. + +What she had to tell I knew not, and whether it regarded Charlotte +Jermyn or Lady Bell; but I summoned up resolution to ask Pendarves +whether he had ever visited Lady Bell Singleton in company with Lord +Charles; and without hesitation, though with great confusion, he owned +that he had. + +"What! more than once?" + +"Yes." + +"Why did you not tell me of it?" + +"Because I thought, after what you had heard, it might make you uneasy." + +"Should you ever do," I replied, forcing a smile, "what in our relative +situation it would make me uneasy to be informed of?" + +"Not if your uneasiness would be at all well founded." + +"But concealment implies consciousness of something indiscreet, if not +wrong; and had you told me yourself of your visits to Lady Bell, I could +have set Mrs. Pendarves and her insinuations at defiance." + +"And can you not now?" + +"Perhaps so; but no thanks to your ingenuousness. However, I must own," +said I, smiling affectionately, "that no one answers questions more +readily." + +I had judged rightly in preparing myself for my encounter with Mrs. +Pendarves, as she took the first opportunity of telling me how much she +pitied me: for she had heard of the affair with the young lady who came +to nurse me in my lying in, which was of a piece with the renewal of +intercourse with Lady Bell Singleton. "But I assure you," she added, +"his uncle means to tell him a piece of his mind; and if he does not, I +will." + +On hearing this I thought proper to laugh as well as I could; which +perfectly astonished my aunt, as I knew it would do, and she demanded +a reason of my ill-timed mirth. I told her that I laughed at her +mountain's having brought forth a mouse: for that the affair with the +young lady ended in her marrying a young ensign, soon after she left us, +for love, and that I had given her a wedding present; and that I knew +from Seymour himself that he visited Lady Bell Singleton: I therefore +begged she would keep her pity, and my uncle his advice, for those who +required them. + +My mother entered the room at this moment, and I had great pleasure in +repeating to her what had passed: for I was glad to impress her with an +idea that my husband confided in me. I saw that I had succeeded. + +"Mrs. Pendarves," said she, gravely, "I am sorry to find you are one of +those who act the part of an enemy while fancying you are performing +that of a friend. What good could you do my daughter by telling her of +her husband's errors, had the charge been a true one? Answer me that. +Surely, where 'ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise.'" + +"But she could not be ignorant long--she must know it some time or +other, and it was better she should hear it from a sympathizing and +affectionate friend like me. However, I did not mean to be officious and +troublesome, and I am glad Mr. Seymour Pendarves is better than I +supposed he was." + +"Madam," replied my mother, "Seymour, like other persons, is better, +much better than a gossiping world is willing to allow any one to be. +And it is hard indeed that a man's own relations should implicitly +believe and propagate what they hear against him." + +"Take my advice, my dear little aunt, and always inquire before you +condemn; which advice is your due, in return for the large store of that +commodity which you are so willing to bestow on other people." + +My aunt was silent a moment, as if considering whether in what was said +there was most of compliment, or most of reproof. Be that as it might, +she was too politic not to choose to believe there was much of compliment +implied in the mention made of her willingness to bestow advice. She +therefore looked pleased, declared her pleasure at finding all was well, +and that she found even the best authority was not always to be depended +upon. At dinner that day, to show, I conclude, that Seymour was restored +to her favour, she asked him to pay her a visit at their house in town; +but on my saying that I expected she would include me in the invitation, +as I wished to go to London, she turned round with great quickness and +exclaimed, "What! and leave your sweet babe?" + +The censure which this abrupt question conveyed gave a sort of shock +to my feelings, and I could not answer her; but my mother instantly +replied, "My daughter's health requires a little change of scene, and +surely she can venture to intrust her infant to my care." + +"Oh, yes! but how can she bear to leave it?" + +"The trial will be great, I own," said I; "but I am not yet so very a +mother as to forget I am a wife; and as I must either leave my child, or +give up accompanying my husband, of the two evils I prefer the first." + +"Oh! true, true, I never thought of that," was her sage reply; "and you +are right, my dear, quite right, as husbands are, to go to take care of +yours; and I advise you to keep a sharp look-out--for there are hawks +abroad." + +"Hawks!" said my uncle smiling, "turtle doves more likely; and they are +the most dangerous bird of the two." + +This observation gave Pendarves time to recover the confusion his aunt's +speech had occasioned him, and he told me he was much amused to see that +I had positively arranged a journey to London for him and for myself, +without his having ever expressed an intention of going at all. + +"But I knew you wished to go, and I thought it was your kind reluctance +to ask me to leave my child which alone prevented your expressing your +wishes." + +"Indeed, Helen, you are right: I never should have thought of asking you +to leave your child; and I own I am flattered to find I am still dearer +to you than she is: therefore, if my uncle and aunt will be troubled +with us, I shall be very happy to visit London as their guest." + +"Is it possible," cried I, "that you can think of going any where but to +a lodging?" + +"Is it possible," cried Mrs. Pendarves, "that you can prefer a lodging +to being the guest of your uncle and aunt?" + +"To being the guest even of a father and mother; for when one has much +to see in a little time, there is nothing like the liberty and +convenience of a lodging." + +"Well, well, Helen," said Pendarves, rather impatiently, "that may be; +but _this year_, if you please, we will go to Stratford Place." + +I said no more, and it was settled that we should follow my uncle and +aunt to town, and take up our residence with them. But the next day +my mother, who thought the plan as foolish and disagreeable as I did, +desired me to find out, if I could, why my husband consented to be the +guest of a woman whose society was so offensive to him: "And if," said +she, "it is because he cannot afford to take lodgings, you may tell +him, that I have both means and inclination to answer all the necessary +demands; and moreover I have a legacy of Ł2000 untouched, which I have +always meant to give you, Helen, on the birth of your first child; and +that also is at your service." + +I shall pass over my feelings on this occasion, and my expression of +them. Suffice that my husband owned his "poverty, and not his will, +consented" to his acceptance of our relation's offer; and that he +thankfully received my mother's bounty. The legacy, however, he resolved +to secure to me, as my own property, and so tied up that he could not +touch it. We found, however, that we must spend part of our time with my +uncle and aunt; but at the end of ten days we removed to lodgings near +them. + +I was soon sensible of the difference between the present time in London +and the past. I found that Pendarves, though his manner was as kind as +ever, used to accept in succession engagements in which I had no share; +and if it had not been for the society of Mr. and Mrs. Ridley, and my +uncle and aunt, I should have been much alone; and have pined after my +child and mother even more than I did. Still ardently indeed did I long +to return home; and had I not believed I was at the post of duty, I +should have urged my husband to let me go home without him. + +Lord Charles was frequently with us, and, had I chosen it, would +have been my escort every where: but I still distrusted him; and I +suspect that it was in revenge he so often procured Pendarves dinner +invitations, from which he rarely returned till day-light; and once he +was evidently in such low spirits, that I was sure he had been at play, +and had lost every thing. + +We had now been several weeks in London, and I grew very uneasy at +my prolonged separation from my child, and at my mother's evidently +declining health--besides having reason to think that my husband would +have enjoyed London more without me; for Lord Charles took care to +tell me often, that had I not been with him, Pendarves would have gone +thither; always adding, "So you see what a tame domestic animal you have +made of him, and what a tractable obedient husband he is." There is +perhaps nothing more insiduous and pernicious, than to tell a proud man +that he is governed by a wife, or a mistress, provided he has great +conscious weakness of character; and Lord Charles knew that was the case +with Pendarves. And I am very sure that he accepted many invitations +which he would otherwise have declined, because his insiduous friend +reproached him with being afraid of me. + +Ranelagh was still the fashion, and my husband had still a pride in +showing me in its circles; but even there I was sensible of a change. He +now was not unwilling to resign the care of me to other men, while he +went to pay his compliments to dashing women of fashion, and give them +the arm once exclusively mine. Still, these occasional neglects were +too trifling to excite my fears or my jealousy, and I expected, when we +returned to our country home, that it would be with unclouded prospects. +But while I dreamt of perpetual sunshine, the storm was gathering which +was to cloud my hours in sorrow. + +I had vainly expected a letter from my mother for two days,--and she +usually wrote every day,--a circumstance which had depressed my spirits +in a very unusual manner; and I was consequently little prepared to bear +with fortitude the abrupt entrance of my husband in a state of great +agitation: but pale and trembling I awaited the painful communication +which I saw he was about to make. + +"Helen!" cried he, "if you will not or cannot assist me, I am likely to +be arrested every moment." + +"Arrested! What for?" cried I, relieved beyond measure at hearing it was +a distress which money could remove. + +"Aye, Helen, dearest creature! There is the pang--for a debt so weakly +contracted!" + +"Oh! a gaming debt to Lord Charles, I suppose?" + +"No, no, would it were!--though I own that way also I have been very +culpable." + +"Keep me no longer in suspense, I conjure you." + +"Why you know what a rash marriage that silly girl Charlotte Jermyn +made." + +"Go on." + +"Well--her husband was forced to sell his commission to pay his debts: +but that was not sufficient; and to save him from a jail, I had the +folly to be bound for him in no less a sum than several hundreds." + +"But who asked you? Are they in London?" + +"They were." + +"And you saw them?" + +"Yes." + +"Why did you not tell me they were here?" + +"Because they were persons with whom I did not choose my wife to +associate." + +"Were they fit associates for you then?" was on my tongue, but I +suppressed it; for mistaken indeed is the wife who thinks reproach can +ever do ought but alienate the object of it. + +"But did you often visit them? and what made them presume to apply to +you?" + +"Necessity. She wrote to me again and again, and she way-laid me +too--what could I do? I was never proof against a woman's tears--and I +was bound for him." + +"Well, and what then?" + +"Why, the rascal is gone off, and left his wife without a farthing, to +maintain herself as she can." + +"Is she in London?" cried I, turning very faint. + +"No, at Dover; but, as soon as it is known that he is off, I expect to +be arrested for the money; and for me to raise it is impossible; but +you, Helen--" + +"Yes, yes--I understand you," I replied, speaking with great difficulty: +"the legacy--I will drive instantly to the bankers--and take it, take +it all, if you wish." + +Here my voice and even my eye-sight totally failed me, and almost my +intellects; but I neither fell nor fainted.--Miserable suspicions and +certain anxiety came over me, and in one moment life seemed converted +into a dreary void. My situation alarmed Pendarves almost to phrensy. He +rung for the servants, sent for the nearest surgeon, without my being +able to oppose any thing he ordered--for I could not speak: and I was +carried to my room, and even bled, before I had the power of uttering a +word. + +"The lady has undergone a violent shock," said the surgeon; and the +conscience-stricken Seymour ran out of the room in an agony too mighty +for expression. + +I was now forced to swallow some strong nervous medicine; and at length, +feeling myself able to speak again, I ejaculated "Thank God!" and fell +into a passion of tears, which considerably relieved me. + +My kind but officious maid had meanwhile sent for Mrs. Pendarves, who +eagerly demanded the original cause of my seizure. + +"Dearest Helen, do you tell your aunt," said Seymour, "how it was." + +"I had been fretting for two days," I replied, "on account of my +mother's silence; and while I was talking to Seymour, this violent +hysterical seizure came over me. Indeed, I had experienced all +the morning, my love, previous to your coming in, a most unusual +depression." This statement, though true, was I own deceptive; but I +could not tell all the truth without exposing my husband.--Oh! how +fondly did his eyes thank me! My aunt was satisfied; she insisted on +sitting by my bedside while I slept,--for an anodyne was given me,--and +I consented to receive her offered kindness. Nay, I must own that, in +the conscious desolation of my heart at that moment, I felt strangely +soothed by expressions of kindness, and was covetous of those endearments +from her which before I had wished to avoid. But my hand now returned +and courted the affectionate pressure of hers; and I seemed to cling to +her as a friend who, if she knew all, would have sorrowed over me like a +mother; and while sleep was consciously stealing over me, I was pleased +to know that she was watching beside my pillow. + +I had forbidden Pendarves to come near me, because the sight of his +distress prevented my recovery, and perfect quiet was enjoined. + +But, when I was asleep he would not be kept from the bedside; and he +betrayed so much deep feeling, and exhibited so much affection for +me, that when I woke, and desired to rise and dress, as I was quite +recovered, my aunt was lavish in his praise, and declared she was now +convinced he was the best of husbands. + +Pendarves would fain have staid at home with me that day; but I insisted +on his going out, as I thought it would be better for us both; and I +told him with truth I preferred his aunt's company to his. Our next +meeting alone was truly painful; for we could neither of us advert to +my excessive emotion. He could not explain away its cause, nor could I +name it: but he, though silent, was affectionate and attentive, and I +tried to force my too busy fancy to dwell only on what I knew and saw, +and not to fly off to sources of disquiet, which spite of appearances +might really not exist. + +The next morning, as soon as breakfast was over, we drove to the +banker's, resumed the whole of the deposit, and I insisted that +Pendarves should accept it all. This he was very unwilling to do--but I +was firm, and my mind was tranquillized by his consenting at last to my +desire. Yet, I think I was not foolish enough to suppose I could buy his +constancy. + +One thing which I said to him I instantly repented. I asked him whether +Mrs. Saunders was likely to remove to London. He said, he did not know: +"But if she does, what then? O Helen! can you suppose I will ever see +her now?" he added. + +"And why not?" thought I, when he quitted me--"If it was ever proper +to see her, why not now? And why should I seem to be accusing him, by +appearing solicitous to know whether he would see her or not?" + +Alas! his reply only served to make me more wretched; but, fortunately I +may say, my mother's continued silence made a sort of diversion to my +thoughts, and substituted tender for bitter anxiety. + +That very day the demand was made on my husband by the creditor of +Saunders, and while he was gone out with this man on business in bustled +my kind but mischievous aunt. + +"How are you to-day," said she, "my poor child? but I see how you +are--sitting like patience on a monument, smiling with grief!" + +"With grief! dear aunt?" + +"Yes: for do you think I do not know all? Oh, the wicked man!" + +"Whom, madam, do you call wicked?" + +"Your husband, child: has he not been keeping up an acquaintance with +that girl, who married? and has he not been bound for her husband? and +is not the man run away, and he liable to be arrested for the debt? and +where he can get the money to pay it I can't guess--I am sure my Mr. +Pendarves will not pay it. Nay, _I_ know 'tis all, all true--my maid, +I find, met him walking in the park with her, and the creditor is my +maid's brother." + +Here she paused exhausted with her own vehemence; and I replied, "I am +sorry, madam, that you listen to tales told you by your servant: I am +also sorry that a transaction which though rash was kind, is known to +more persons than my husband and me. I know as well as you that Pendarves +visited at Mrs. Saunders's lodgings, and he was very likely seen in the +park with her. To the money transaction I am also privy, and I assure +you my Mr. Pendarves need not apply to yours on this or, I trust, on any +occasion; for the creditor has been here, and he is paid by this time." + +"Then he must have borrowed the money, for I know he has lost a great +deal lately." + +"Mrs. Pendarves," said I, rising with great agitation, "I will not +allow you to speak thus of the husband whom I love and honour. I tell +you that he has paid the creditor with his _own_ money; and if you +persist in a conversation so offensive to me, I will quit the room." + +"How! this to me? Do you consider who I am--and our relationship?" + +"You are the wife of my great uncle, madam, no more; and were you even +my mother, I would not sit and listen tamely to aspersions of my +husband, and I must desire that our conversations on this subject may +end here." + +I believe there is nothing more formidable while it lasts, than the +violence of those who are habitually mild--because surprise throws the +persons who are attacked off their guard; and it also magnifies to them +the degree of violence used. + +The poor little woman was not only awed into silence, but affected unto +tears; and I was really obliged to sooth her into calmness, declaring +that I was sure she meant well, and that I had never doubted the +goodness of her heart. + +The next day brought the long expected letter from my mother; and its +contents made all that I had yet endured light, in comparison; for they +alarmed me for the life of my child! She was, however, declared out of +danger for the present, when my mother wrote. + +It is almost needless to add, that as soon as horses could be procured, +Pendarves and I were on the road home. + +I must pass rapidly over this part of my narrative. Suffice, that she +vacillated between life and death for three months; that then she was +better, and my husband left me to join Lord Charles at Tunbridge Wells, +whither he had been ordered for his health; that he had not been gone a +fortnight, when her worst symptoms returned, and my mother wrote to him +as follows: + + "Come instantly, if you wish to see your child alive, and + preserve the senses of your wife! When all is over, your presence + alone can, I believe, save her from distraction. + J. P." + +He instantly set off for home, and arrived at a moment when I could be +alive to the joy of seeing him; for my child had just been pronounced +better! But what a betterness! For six weeks longer, watched by us +all day and all night with never-failing love, it lingered on and on, +endeared to us every day the more, in proportion as it became more +helpless, and we more void of hope, till I was doomed to see its last +faint breath expire, and----no more on this subject-- + + * * * * * + +I believe my mother was right; I believe that, dearly as I loved her, +her presence alone would not have kept my grief within the bounds of +reason: but the presence of him whose grief was on a par with mine, of +him whom love and duty equally bade me exert myself to console, had +indeed a salutary effect on me; and it at length became a source of +comfort to reflect, that the object of our united regrets was mercifully +removed from a state of severe suffering, and probably from evils to +come. But my progress towards recovered tranquillity bore no proportion +to Seymour's; for, when I was capable of reflection, I felt that in +losing my child I lost one of my strongest holds on the affection of my +husband. Consequently, the clearer my mind grew after the clouds of +grief dispersed, the more vividly was I sensible of my loss. + +I also became conscious that the habitual dejection of my spirits, which +was pleasing to Seymour's feelings while his continued in unison with +mine, would become distasteful, and make his home disagreeable, as soon +as he was recovering his usual cheerfulness. Still, I could not shake it +off--and by my mother's advice I urged him to renew his visit to Lord +Charles, who was still an invalid. + +To Tunbridge Wells he therefore again went, leaving me to indulge +unrestrained that pernicious grief which even his presence had not +controuled, and also to impair both my health and my person in a degree +which it might be difficult ever to restore. + +When Pendarves returned, which he did at the end of six weeks, during +which time he had written in raptures of the new acquaintances which he +had formed at the Wells, he was filled with pain and mortification at +sight of my pale cheek, meagre form, and neglected dress. + +What a contrast was I to the women whom he had left! And even his +affectionate disposition and fine temper were not proof, after the first +ebullitions of tenderness had subsided, against my dowdy wretched +appearance, and my dejection of manner. + +"Helen!" said he, "I cannot stand this--I must go away again, if you +persist to forget all that is due to the living, in regard for the dead. +I have not been accustomed lately to pale cheeks, meagre forms, and +dismal faces. I love home, and I love you; but neither my home nor you +are now recognisable." + +I was wounded, but reproved and amended: I felt the justice of what he +said, and resolved to do my duty. + +Soon after he told me he was going away again; and on my mother's gently +reproaching him for leaving me so much, he replied that he could not +bear to witness my altered looks, and to listen to my mournful voice. + +While Pendarves was gone, I resolved to renew my long neglected +pursuits. I played on the guitar; I resumed my drawing, and sometimes I +tried to sing: but that exertion I found at present beyond my powers. + +After three weeks had elapsed, Seymour wrote me word that he was +about to return from the Wells with some new friends of his, who were +coming to the mansion within four miles of us, which had been so long +uninhabited, called Oswald Lodge. He said he should arrive there very +late on the Saturday night; but that after attending church on the +Sunday to hear a new curate preach, whom they were to bring with them, +he should return home. + +I was mortified I own to think that he could stop, after so long an +absence, within four miles of home; but I felt that I had lately made so +few efforts for his sake, that I had no right to expect he would pay me +an attention like this. But to repine or look back was equally vain and +weak; and I resolved to act, in order to make amends for what I could +not but consider an indolent indulgence of my own selfishness, however +disguised to me under the name of sensibility, at the expense of my +husband's happiness. And as six months had now elapsed since the death +of my child, I resolved to throw off my mourning, and make the house and +myself look as cheerful as they were wont to do. + +I also resolved to meet him at the church, which was common to the +parish whence he would come, and ours also, and not to sit, as I had +lately done, in a pew whence I could steal in and out unseen; but walk +up the aisle, and sit in my own seat, where I could see and be seen of +others. + +My mother meanwhile observed in joyful silence all my proceedings; and +when she saw me stop at the door in the carriage on the Sunday morning, +dressed in white, with a muslin bonnet, and pelisse, lined with full +pink, and a countenance which was in a measure at least cheerful, she +embraced me with the warmest affection, and said she hoped she should +now see her own child again. + +Spite, however, of my well-motived exertions, my nerves were a little +fluttered when I recollected that I was going to encounter the +scrutinizing observation of Seymour's new friends, who, if arrived, +would no doubt, from the situation of the pew, see me during my +progress to mine, which was opposite. They were arrived before me; +for I saw white and coloured feathers nodding at a distance: but I +remembered it was not in the temple of the Most High that fear of man +ought to be felt, and I followed my mother up the aisle with my +accustomed composure. + +Oh! how I longed to see whether my husband was with the party! but I +forebore to seek the creature till the dues to the Creator were paid. I +then looked towards the opposite pew; but soon withdrew my eyes again: +for I saw my husband listening with an animated countenance to what a +gentleman was saying to him, who was gazing on me with an expression of +great admiration. I therefore only exchanged a glance of affectionate +welcome with Pendarves, and tried to remember him and his companions no +more. + +When service was ended Seymour eagerly left his seat, and coming into +mine proposed to introduce me to his friends; "for now," said he in a +low voice, "I again see the wife I am proud of." I smiled assent, and a +formal introduction took place. + +The party consisted of Mr. and Mrs. Oswald, who after a long residence +abroad were come to live on their estate, and resume those habits of +extravagance, the effects of which they had gone abroad to recover; of a +Lord Martindale, the gentleman I had before observed; and of one or two +persons, a sort of hangers-on in the family, who ministered in some way +or other to the entertainment of the host and hostess. + +Mr. and Mrs. Oswald now politely urged my mother and myself to favour +them with our company at dinner, my husband having promised to return to +them by five o'clock; but we declined it, and Seymour attended us home. +Seymour expressed more by his looks than his words the pleasure my +change of dress and countenance had occasioned him; for he was too +delicate to expatiate on what must recall to my mind only too forcibly +the cause of the difference which he had deplored: but when he rejoiced +over my recovered bloom, and _embonpoint_, I reminded him that my bloom +was caused by my lining, and my seeming plumpness by my pelisse. This +was only too true. Still I was, he saw, disposed to be all he wished +me; and when we reached our house, and he beheld baskets of flowers +in all the rooms, as usual; when he beheld the light of day allowed to +penetrate into every apartment, except where the sun was too powerful; +when he saw my guitar had been moved from its obscurity, and that my +portfolio seemed full of drawings; he folded my still thin form with +fondness to his heart, and declared that he now felt himself quite a +happy man again. Nor would he leave me, to dine at Oswald Lodge; and +he sent an excuse, but promised to call there on the morrow and take +me with him. The next day he summoned me to get ready to fulfil his +promise, and I obeyed him, but with reluctance; for I felt already sure +that I should not like these new friends. + +In Lord Martindale I already saw an audacious man of the world; and +those spendthrift Oswalds, those beings who seemed to think they came +into life merely to amuse it away, did not seem at all suited to my +taste or principles, and were certain to be dangerous to a man of +Seymour's tendency to expense. + +On our way thither I asked if Lord Martindale was married; and with a +cheek which glowed with emotion he replied, "Married! Oh yes! did I not +mention Lady Martindale to you? How strange!" But I did not think it so, +when I heard him descant on her various attractions and talents with an +eloquence which was by no means pleasing to me. + +"Indeed," said I, sighing as I spoke, "I feel it a great compliment, +that you preferred staying with your faded wife to dining with this +brilliant beauty." + +"Brilliant beauty! dear girl! In beauty she is not to be compared to +you. She is certainly ten years older, and never was a beauty in her +life. She has very fine eyes, fine teeth, fine hair, and a little +round, perfectly formed person: _au reste_, she is sallow, and, when +not animated, plain: in her expression, her endless variety, her +gracefulness, and her vivacity, lies her great charm. Altogether _c'est +une petite personne des plus piquantes_; and with even more than the +usual attraction of her countrywomen." + +"Is she French then?" + +"Yes: she was well born, but poor; and her great powers of fascination +led Lord Martindale, who was living abroad, to marry her, in spite of +his embarrassed fortune. They came over in the same ship with the +Oswalds, and thence the intimacy." + +By this time we had reached Oswald Lodge, and were ushered through a +hall redolent with sweets to the morning room, where we found Mrs. +Oswald, splendidly attired, stringing coral beads, and the gentlemen +reading the papers. If there ever was a complete contrast in nature, +it was my appearance and that of Mrs. Oswald. Figure to yourself the +greeting between a woman of my great height, excessive meagreness, and +long neck, and one not exceeding five feet, with legs making up in +thickness for what they wanted in length, with a short neck buried +in fat, and the rest of her form of suitable dimensions, while the +dropsical appearance of her person did not however impede a short and +quick waddling walk. Figure to yourself also, a fair, fat, flat face, +full of good humour, and betokening a heart a stranger to care, and then +call to mind my different style of features, complexion, and expression, +particularly at that melancholy period of my life. + +"What a fine caricature we should make!" thought I; and it required all +my dislike to employ the talent for caricature which I possessed, to +prevent my drawing her and myself when I went home. But I was ashamed of +the satirical manner in which I regarded her, when she welcomed me +with such genuine kindness; and ill befall the being whom welcome and +courtesy cannot disarm of even habitual sarcasm! Mr. Oswald was as +courteous and kind as his wife, and Lord Martindale looked even more +soft meanings than he uttered--adding, "When I saw you yesterday, Mrs. +Pendarves, I did not expect to see Mr. Pendarves return to us to +dinner. Nay, if he had, I never could have forgiven him." + +"My lord," cried Oswald, "I did not expect him for another reason, +though I admit the full force of yours. He knew Lady Martindale was +too unwell to dine below, for I told him so myself; and 'my fair, +fat, and forty' here was not likely to draw him from 'metal more +attractive'"--bowing to me. + +"So then," said I to myself, "his staying with me, for which I expressed +my thanks, was no compliment after all; and disingenuous as usual, he +did not tell me Lady Martindale would not be visible!" I am ashamed to +own how this little incident disconcerted me. I had been flattered by +Seymour's staying at home, but now there was nothing in it. Oh! the +weakness of a woman that loves! + +Seymour, who knew that I should be mortified, and he lowered in my eyes +by this discovery, was more embarrassed and awkward than I ever knew +him, in paying his respects and making his inquiries concerning the +health of Lady Martindale, and had just expressed his delight at +hearing she was recovered when the lady herself appeared: she paid her +compliments to me in a very easy and graceful manner, and expressed +herself much pleased to see the lady of whom her lord had raved ever +since he saw her; and I suspect her broken English gave what she said +much of its charm. At least I wished to think so then. I found Seymour +had painted her as she was, as to externals; whether he had been as +accurate a delineator of her mind and general manners, I was yet to +learn. + +That she could dance, I had soon the means of discovering; for she +had a little French dog with her, which had been taught to dance to +a tune; and while Mrs. Oswald played a slow waltz, and then a jig, Lady +Martindale, on pretence of showing off the little dog, showed herself +off to the greatest possible advantage.--Whether she glided smoothly +along in graceful abandonment of the waltz measure, or whether she +sprung lightly on the "gay fantastic toe," her fine arms floated +gracefully on the air, and her beautiful feet moved with equal and as +becoming skill. When she had ended, she was repaid with universal bravos +and clapping of hands. + +Nothing could exceed the grace with which she curtsied; and snatching +the dog under her arm, she went round the circle, extending her +beautiful hand to each of us, saying "_De grace! donnez des gateaux +ŕ ma Fanchon:_"[1] and the plate of macaroons that stood near us was +immediately emptied before the little animal, who growled and ate, to +the great delight of his mistress, who knelt in an attitude _fait ŕ +peindre_ beside him. + + [Footnote 1: Pray give cakes to my Fanchon.] + +I cannot express to you what I felt when I saw Seymour's eyes rivetted +on this woman of display. He watched her every movement, and seemed +indeed to feel she possessed _la grace plus belle encore que la +beauté_.[2] But who and what was she? A French woman, and well-born, +though poor. + + [Footnote 2: Grace more beautiful still than beauty.] + +Was it the quick-sightedness of jealousy, I wonder, or was it that women +read women better than men do, where their love or their vanity is +concerned, which made me suspect that she had been not only a _femme_ de +_talens_, but a _femme_ ŕ _talens_, and that Lord Martindale had married +a woman who had been in public life? However, what did that matter to +me? Whatever she was, she possessed fascinations which I had not; she +had a power of amusing and interesting which I had never possessed; and +I feared that to him who could admire her I must soon cease to be an +object of love, though I might continue to be one of esteem. But did I +wish to please as she had been pleasing? Did I wish to be able to exhibit +my person in attitudes so alluring? Would it have been consistent with +the modest dignity of an English gentlewoman? Nay, would my husband have +liked to see me so exhibit in company? Notwithstanding, to charm, amuse +and fix his roving eye, and enliven our domestic scenes, I could not +help wishing that I could do all she did. But I could not do it, and +I feared her. We were asked to stay dinner, but we refused: however, +another day was fixed for our waiting on them, so the evil was only +delayed. + +And what were we doing? and wherefore? We were entering into dinner +visits, and with a reduced income, with persons who lived in all the +luxuries of life, and of whom we knew nothing but that ten years before +they had been forced to run away from their creditors, and that the +chances were they would be forced to do so again. The wherefore was +still less satisfactory to me. We did it that my husband might amuse +away his hours; and, as I had reason to fear, forget in this stimulating +sort of company and diversions the anxieties and the unhappy feelings +which were in future likely to cling to him at home. For I was sure +he was involved in debts which he could not pay, and those who are +so involved are always forced to substitute constant amusement for +happiness. If they do not, they fly to intoxication; but agreeable +company and gay pursuits are the better intoxication, I own, of the two. + +And was it come to this? Was my husband for ever unfitted for the +enjoyment of domestic comfort; and was I reduced to the cruel alternative +of seeing him abstracted and unhappy, or of parting with him to the +abode of the Syren? while I was sometimes forced to accompany him +thither, and witness his evident devotion to her, his forgetfulness +of me? Alas! such seemed to be my situation at that moment; but I was +resolved to talk with him seriously on the state of his affairs, and to +make any retrenchments, and offer any sacrifices, to remove from his +mind the burthen which oppressed it. But for some time, like most +persons so distressed, he was decidedly averse to talk on the subject, +and liked better to drive care away by pleasant society, than to meet +the evil though it was in order to remove it. In the meanwhile I went to +Oswald Lodge occasionally, and occasionally invited its owners and their +guests to our home, till the party there grew too large for our rooms to +receive them: and then I had an excuse for not accompanying my husband +often, in not having carriage horses, as I had prevailed on Pendarves to +drop that unnecessary expense. This produced urgent invitations to sleep +there; but that I never would do; and I would not consent to be with +these people on so intimate a footing, especially as I had not my +mother's countenance or presence to sanction it; she having resolutely +declined visiting them at all, as she disliked the manners and appearance, +as well as the mode of life, of the whole party. But she confirmed me in +my resolution never to seem to under-value, though I did not commend, +Lady Martindale, as she well knew my disapprobation would be imputed +to envy and jealousy even by Pendarves, and she advised me to endure +patiently what I could not prevent. Not that she for a moment suspected +that my husband was seriously alienated from me, and was acting a +dishonourable part towards Lord Martindale; but she could not be blind +to Seymour's long absences at Oswald Lodge, and his now passing nights +there, as well as days. But his pleasures were, for a little while at +least, put a stop to; for he received at length so many dunning letters, +that he was forced to unburthen his mind to me, and ask my aid if +possible to relieve his distresses. He positively, however, forbade me +to apply to my mother, and I was equally unwilling to let her know the +errors of my still beloved husband. + +Yet what could I do for him? I could dismiss one, if not two +servants,--and he could sell another horse; but then money was wanted to +pay debts. There was therefore no alternative, but for me to prevail on +my trustees to give up some of my marriage settlement; and as I knew +that my mother's fortune must come to me and my children, if I had any, +I was very willing to relieve my husband from his embarrassments, by +raising for him the necessary supplies. Nor did I find my trustees very +unwilling to grant my request, and once more I believed my husband free +from debt. I also hoped my mother knew nothing of either the distress, +or the means of relief. But, alas! one of the trustees concluded our +uncle knew of these transactions, and was probably desirous to know +why he had, though a very rich man, allowed me to diminish my marriage +settlement, in order to pay debts which he could have paid without the +smallest inconvenience, as he had only two daughters, who were both well +married. + +Accordingly he mentioned the subject to my astonished and indignant +uncle, who with his usual indiscretion revealed it to his wife. +The consequence was inevitable: she immediately wrote a letter of +lamentation to my mother, detailing the whole affair, adverting to the +other transaction concerning Saunders's debts, pointing out the great +probability there was that what every one said was true, namely, that +my husband had prevailed on Saunders to marry Charlotte Jermyn, and +therefore was bound in justice to assist him, and concluding with a +broad hint concerning his evident attachment to a Lady Martindale. + +What a letter for a fond mother to receive! But to the money +transactions alone did she vouchsafe any credit; and relative to these +she demanded from me the most open confession, saying, "The rest of the +letter I treat with the contempt it deserves." I had no difficulty in +telling her every thing which related to the last transaction; but my +voice faltered, and my eye was downcast, when I described the other, +because I had never been entirely able to conquer some painful +suspicions of my own; and her quick eyes and penetrating mind soon +discovered, though she was too delicate to notice it, that in my own +heart I was not sure that all my aunt suspected was unjust. But if I +shrunk from the searching glance of her eyes, how was I affected when +she fixed them on me with looks of approving tenderness, and told me +with evidently suppressed feeling, that I had done well and greatly in +concealing my husband's extravagant follies even from her! + +That day's post brought a letter of a more pleasant nature from my uncle +to me. He informed me, that though he utterly disapproved my giving to +an erring husband what was intended as a provision for my innocent +children, he could not bear that I should suffer by my erroneous but +generous conception of a wife's duty, and had therefore replaced the sum +which I had so rashly advanced, desiring me on any future emergency to +apply to him. + +Kind and excellent old man! How pleasant were the tears which I shed +over this letter! but still how much more welcome to my soul were those +which it wrung from the heart of Pendarves! + +But amidst the various feelings which made my cheek pale, my brow +thoughtful and sad, my form meagre, and which deprived me of every thing +but the mere outline of former beauty, was the consciousness that my +mother's heart was estranged from my husband. He had even exceeded all +her fears and expectations; and her manner to him was full of that cold +civility, which when it replaces ardent affection is of all things the +most terrible to endure from one whom you love and venerate. He felt it +to his heart's core, and alas! he resented it by flying oftener from his +home and the wife whom he thus rendered wretched. + +At this period my mother was surprised by a most unexpected guest, and, +situated as I was, an unwelcome visitor to both; for it was Ferdinand de +Walden. + +Business had brought him to England; and as time had, he believed, +mellowed his attachment to me into friendship, he had no objection to +visit my mother, and renew his acquaintance with me. But though she +prepared him to see me much altered, as I had not, she said, recovered +the loss of my child, he was so overcome when he saw me, that he was +forced to leave the room; and the sight of that faded face and form, +nay, I may say, the utter loss of my beauty, endeared me yet more to the +heart of De Walden. + +Had I been an artful, had I been a coquettish woman, this was the time +to show it; for I might have easily roused the jealousy of my husband, +and perhaps have terrified him back to his allegiance. But I should have +felt debased if I had excited one feeling of jealousy in a husband's +heart, and my manner was so cold to De Walden that he complained of it +to my mother. + +Mr. Oswald called on De Walden, as soon as he heard of his arrival, for +he had known him abroad, and a day was fixed for our meeting him at +Oswald Lodge: nay, my mother, to mark her great respect for her guest, +would have joined the party had she not sprained her ankle severely the +day before. + +It was now some weeks since I had dined there; therefore I had not +seen the great increase of intimacy which was visible between Seymour +and Lady Martindale, and which I dreaded should be observed by Lord +Martindale himself: but he did not seem to mind it, and looked at me +with such an expression of countenance, lavishing on me at the same time +such disgusting flatteries, that the dark eye of De Walden flashed fire +as he regarded him, and he beheld my absorbed and inattentive husband +with a look in which scorn contended with agony. But if Seymour was +so completely absorbed in looking at and listening to the Syren who +bewitched him, she was not equally absorbed in him: but I saw that when +he was not looking at her, she was earnestly examining De Walden, and +that his eye dwelt on her with a very marked and scornful meaning. + +Lady Martindale was solicited at the dinner table to promise some new +guests who were there, to exhibit to them the scene with the dog; +but on pretence of having hurt her foot she refused. This led to a +conversation on dancing, of which art, to my great surprise, De Walden +declared himself a great admirer in the early part of his life. "When I +was very young," said he in French, "I saw such dancing as I shall never +forget. It was that of a young creature on the Paris stage, who was then +called Annette Beauvais, and she quite bewitched my young heart, both on +and off the stage; for I once saw her in a private party, but then I was +quite a boy: she was at that time the mistress of a _fermier général_: +since then she has figured, as I have heard, in many different capacities, +and I should not be surprised to hear of her as a peeress, or a princess; +so great and versatile were her powers." + +This discussion, so little _ŕ-propos_, for what did any one present care +for Annette Beauvais? convinced me De Walden had a meaning beyond what +appeared; and casting my eyes on Lord Martindale and his lady, I saw +they were both covered with confusion: but the former recovering himself +first, said, "Annette Beauvais! My dear Eugénie, is not that the name of +the girl who was reckoned so like you?" + +"_Mais oui--sans doute_--I was much sorry--for I was take for her very +oft'--_et cependant elle est plus grande que moi._[3]" + + [Footnote 3: Yet she is taller than I.] + +"She may look taller on the stage, my lady," said De Walden, again +speaking in French, that she might not lose a word; "but I would wager +any money, that off the stage, no one would know Annette from you, or +you from her." + +"_A la bonne heure_," said she in a tone of pique, and avoiding the +searching glance of his eye; then, on her making a signal to Mrs. +Oswald, she rose, and we left the dining-room. + +With the impression which I had just received on my mind of Lady +Martindale's former profession, or rather character, I could not help +replying to the attentions which she now lavished on me with distant +politeness; and I saw clearly that she observed my change of manner, +and, resenting it in her heart, resolved to take ample vengeance; for, +as I stood with my arms folded in a long mantle which I wore, lost in +reverie, it happened that I did not answer Lady Martindale when she +first spoke, and when I did, it was in a cold and absent manner, and +as if I addressed an inferior; on which the artful woman, who sat in a +recess by the side of my husband, threw herself back, exclaiming, "_Mais +voyez donc comme elle me traite! Ah! comment ai-je mérité cette dureté +de sa part?_"[4] She accompanied these words with a few touching tears. + + [Footnote 4: Only see how she treats me! How have I deserved such + hard treatment from her?] + +On seeing and hearing this, for the first time in his life since we +married, Seymour felt irritated against me; and coming up to me, he +said, in a voice nearly extinct with passion, "Mrs. Pendarves, I insist +on your apologizing to that lady for the rudeness of which you have been +guilty." For one moment my spirit revolted at the word "insist," and my +feelings were overset by the "Mrs. Pendarves;" but it was only for a +moment. + +I felt that I had been rude; and I also felt that I should not have +acted as I did, spite of my suspicions, if I had not been jealous of +Seymour's adoration for her. + +Accordingly, drawing so near to her that no one could hear what passed, +I told her that at the command of my husband, I assured her I did not +mean to wound or offend her, and that I was sorry I had done so. + +"Ah! 'tis your husban spoak den, not your own heart--dat's wat I want." + +"The feelings of my heart," said I, "are not at the command even of my +husband; but my words are, and I have obeyed him--but I am really sorry +when I have given pain to any one." Then with a low curtsy I left them, +and retired to a further part of the room. + +During this time I saw that Seymour looked still angry, and was not +satisfied with my apology, or the manner in which I delivered it; and I +repented I had not been more gracious. But now I was requested to sing +a Venetian air to the Spanish guitar, to which I had written English +words; and I complied, glad to do something to escape from my own +painful reflections, and also from the earnest manner in which De Walden +examined my countenance, and watched what had just passed. But in order +no doubt to mortify my vanity by calling off the attention from me to +herself, the moment I began, Lady Martindale set her little dog down who +was lying in her lap, and began to make him dance to the tune; but as +she did not get up herself and dance as usual with him, the poor beast +did not know what to make of it, but set up a most violent barking. I +had had resolution to go on both singing and playing during the grimaces +of the dog and its mistress, even though my own husband instead of +resenting the affront to me had seemed to enjoy it; but when the dog +spoke I was silent; on which De Walden seized the little animal in +his arms in spite of Lady Martindale's resistance, and put it out of +the room. Then stooping down he whispered something in her ear which +silenced her at once. During this scene I trembled in every limb; for I +feared that Seymour might be mad enough to resent De Walden's conduct. +I was therefore relieved when Lord Martindale came up to him, as if +he meant to resent the violence offered to his lady's dog; but on +approaching De Walden, he said, with great good humour--"That was right, +Count De Walden; and if you had not done it, _I_ should. Only think that +a beast like that should presume to interrupt a Seraph!" + +"Ah! if it was but he alone that presumed in this room, it would be +well; but we often make example of one who is guilty the least." + +Lord Martindale did not choose to ask an explanation of these words, +but, turning to me, requested me to resume my guitar and my song. But +I had not yet recovered my emotion, nor perhaps would it have been +consistent with my self-respect to comply. + +Certainly De Walden thought not; for he said in a low voice "_Ma chere +amie, de grace ne chantez pas!_"[5] and I was firm in my refusal. + + [Footnote 5: My dear friend, pray do not sing!] + +Perhaps it was well that I was not allowed to go on with my song, as the +words were only too expressive of my own feelings, for they were as +follows:-- + + SONG. + + How bright this summer's sun appear'd! + How blue to me this summer's sky! + While all I saw and all I heard + Could charm my ear, could bless my eye. + + The lonely bower, the splendid crowd, + Alike a joy for me possess'd; + My heart a charm on all bestow'd, + For that confiding heart was _bless'd_. + + But thou art changed!--and now no more + The sun is bright, or blue the sky; + Now in the throng, or in the bower, + I only mark thy _alter'd eye_. + + And though midst crowds I still appear, + And seem to list the minstrel's strain, + I heed it not--I only hear + My _own deep sigh_ that mourns in vain. + +My carriage was announced soon afterwards; and I saw by the manner of +both, that Lady Martindale was trying to persuade my husband to stay all +night: but as De Walden came with us, propriety, if not inclination, +forbade him to comply, and he sullenly enough followed De Walden and me +to the carriage. When there, that considerate friend refused to enter +it--declaring as it was moon-light he preferred walking home. + +What a relief was this to my mind! for I dreaded some unpleasant +altercation, especially if De Walden expressed the belief which he +evidently entertained, that Lady Martindale and Annette Beauvais were +the same person. + +When he entered the carriage my husband threw himself into one corner of +it, and remained silent. I expected this: still I did not know how to +bear it; for I could not help contrasting the past with the present. Is +there--no, there is not--so agonizing a feeling in the catalogue of +human suffering, as the first conviction that the heart of the being +whom we most tenderly love, is estranged from us? In vain could I +pretend to doubt this overwhelming fact. Seymour had resented for +another woman, and to me! He had even joined in, and enjoyed, the mean +revenge that woman took, though that revenge was a public affront to me! +And now in sullen silence, and in still rankling resentment, he was +sitting as far from me as he possibly could sit, and the attachment of +years seemed in one hour destroyed! + +All this I felt and thought during the first mile of our drive home: but +so closely does hope ever tread on the heels of despair, that one word +from Pendarves banished the worst part of my misery; for in an angry +tone he at length observed, "So, madam, your champion would not go with +us: I think it is a pity you did not walk with him--I think you ought +to have done no less, after his public gallantry in your service." + +"Ha!" thought I immediately, "this is pique, this is jealousy; +and perhaps he loves me still!" What a revulsion of feeling I now +experienced! and never in his fondest moments did I value an expression +of tenderness from him more, than I did this weak and churlish +observation; for he was not silent and sullen on account of Lady +Martindale's fancied injuries; but from resentment of De Walden's +interference. In one moment therefore the face of nature itself seemed +changed to me; and I eagerly replied, "I was certainly much obliged to +De Walden--I needed a champion, and who so proper to be it as himself, +the only old friend I had in the room, yourself excepted, and the only +person in it probably who now (here my voice faltered) has a real regard +and affection for me!" + +"Helen!" cried Pendarves, starting up, "you cannot mean what you say! +You do not, cannot believe that De Walden loves you better than _I_ do." + +"If I had not believed it I should not have said it." + +"But how could you believe it? Has he dared to talk to you of love?" + +"Do you think he could forget himself so far as to do such a thing? or +if he did, do you think I could forget myself so far as to listen to +him? Surely, sir, you forget of whom and to whom you are speaking." + +"Forgive me: I spoke from pique. And so, Helen, you think I do not love +you?" + +"Not as you did, certainly: but I excuse you. I know grief has changed +me; and it had been better for me to have died, if it had so pleased +God, when my poor child died." + +"Helen! dearest! do not talk thus, I cannot bear it!" he exclaimed, +clasping me to his heart; and though I then wept even more abundantly +than before, I wept on his bosom, and all my sorrows were for awhile +forgotten. + +The next morning Pendarves told me he should certainly breakfast with +me; but he must leave me soon to partake of a late breakfast at Oswald +Lodge, as he had promised to go with the party to call on a family, with +whom they were to arrange some private theatricals. + +"And are you to engage in them?" + +"Oh! to be sure: it will not be the first time of my acting." + +"And will Lady Martindale act?" + +"Yes: but not with us. We shall act in English: she will favour us with +a mono-drame, a ballet of action, and perhaps read a French play, which +she reads to perfection." + +"Not better than she dances, I dare say; for dancing, I suspect, was +once one of her professions." + +"What nonsense is this Helen? and who has dared to give such an +erroneous and false impression of this admirable woman?" + +"Surely you must have perceived that De Walden meant to insinuate that +she and Annette Beauvais are the same person?" + +"Then he is a vile calumniator." + +"Not so: he is only a mistaken man." + +"But it seems you think he cannot be mistaken: he is an oracle!" + +"My love," replied I, "we had better not talk of De Walden." + +"You are right, Helen, quite right; for I am conscious of great +irritation when I think of him: for I feel, I cannot but feel, how much +more worthy of you he is than I am; and yet, foolish girl, you gave him +up for me. O Helen! when I saw him, impatient of affront to you, step +forward with that flashing eye, that commanding air, to seize the +offending brute, though I could have stabbed him, I could also have +embraced him; and I said within myself, 'And to this man Helen preferred +me! How she must repent her folly now!'" + +"She never has repented, she never can repent it," said I, throwing +myself upon his neck. "You know I took you with all your faults open to +my view." + +"Yes: but you fancied love and you would reform them!" + +"I did--and I think we may do so still: but you must not let me fancy +you do not love me, Seymour; if you do, I shall pine and mope, and +become the object of your aversion." + +"Impossible! do you think I can ever dislike you, Helen?" + +"Is thy servant a dog that he should do this thing?" said I, returning +his embrace. + +"I will hear no more of such horrible surmises: I have now outstaid my +time." + +Then mounting his horse, he was out of sight in a moment. + +Soon after my mother appeared, and, to my surprise, unaccompanied by De +Walden. + +"Where is our friend?" was my first salutation. + +"On the road to London." + +"London! And why?" + +"He had his reasons for going; and, as usual, they do honour both to his +head and heart." + +"May I not know them?" + +"I would not tell them to all women under your circumstances; but I can +trust you. He finds that he has not conquered his attachment; and that +he cannot behold the affecting change in your appearance, and reflect +on the cause, without feeling what his principles disapprove. Besides, +he is afraid of getting involved in a quarrel with Pendarves, as, I +suppose, you guess who this Lady Martindale is." + +"I do. Well, I am glad De Walden is gone; for I know Pendarves will +rejoice." + +I then related to her my conversation with my husband; and I did it +with so much cheerfulness, and such an evident revival of hope, that I +imparted some of the feelings which I experienced; and my mother's heart +was visibly softened towards Seymour, while she uttered, "Poor fellow! +he does indeed justly judge himself: you did prefer the brilliant to the +diamond. But where is he?" + +"Gone out with the party at the lodge on particular business; and will +not return till night." + +On hearing this my mother's countenance fell; and kissing my cheek, she +shook her head mournfully, and changed the conversation. + +Pendarves came home that evening in great spirits. Every thing was +arranged for the theatricals, and the play fixed upon. It was to be the +Belle's Stratagem, and he was to play Doricourt, a part he had often +played before. The part of Letitia Hardy, was given to a young lady who +was an actress on private theatres; and every part was filled but that +of Lady Frances Touchwood. + +"Oh, Helen!" cried he, "how happy should I be if you would give over all +your dismals, lay aside your scruples, and make me your slave for life, +by undertaking this mild and modest part!" + +"You bribe high," I replied (turning pale at the apprehension of any +thing so contrary to my habits and my sense of right): "but you know my +aversion to things of the sort." + +"I do: but I also know your high sense of a wife's duty; and that you +cannot but own a wife ought to obey her husband's will, when not +contrary to the will of God." + +"You seem to have high though just ideas of a wife's duty," said I, +smiling; "now, perhaps, you will favour me with your opinion of a +husband's duty." + +"Willingly. It is to wean a beloved wife, if possible, from gloomy +thoughts; to keep amusing company himself, and to make her join it: in +short, when he has engaged in private theatricals, it is his _duty_ +to get his wife to engage in them also: and if you think such things +dangerous to good morals, you are the more bound to engage in them, in +order to watch over _mine_." + +I suspected he was right, and that the general duty should, in this +instance, give way to the particular one; but I shrunk with aversion +from the long and intimate association with these disagreeable if not +disreputable people, to which it would oblige me; and after expressing +this dislike I begged time to consider of his request. + +The next day I went to consult my mother, who at first would not hear +the plan named, and declared that her child should not so far degrade +herself as to allow her person to be profaned by such familiarities as +acting must induce and she must suffer. But when I told her Mr. Oswald +was to act Sir George Touchwood, a quiet, elderly married man, she was +more reconciled to it on that score, but she disliked it as much as I +did on other grounds. However, having convinced myself, I at length +convinced her, that it was my duty to make myself as dear and as +agreeable to my husband as I could, and not leave him thus exposed to +the every day increasing fascinations of another woman. + +"But can you, my dear child," said she, "have fortitude enough to bear +for days together the sight of his attentions to your rival? Will it not +make you pettish, grave, and unamiable, and cloud your eyes in tears, +which will incense and not affect, because they will seem a reproach?" + +"It will be a difficult task, and a severe trial, I own; but I humbly +hope to be supported under it: and though the risk is great, the +ultimate success is worth the venture." + +"Helen," said my mother, "till now I thought my trials as a wife great, +and my duties severe; but I am convinced that they were easy to bear +and easy to perform, compared to what a fond wife feels, who is forced +to mask misery with smiles; to substitute undeserved kindness for just +reproach; and to submit even her own superior judgement, and her own +sense of right and wrong, to the will of her husband." + +"But, dear mother! I shall be repaid and rewarded at last!" + +"Repaid, rewarded, Helen! how? Who or what is to repay you? As well can +_assignats_ repay bullion, as the love of a being who has grossly erred +can reward that of one to whom error is unknown." + +"But he has not grossly erred; and if he had, I love him," cried I, +deeply wounded and appalled at the truth of what she said. + +"Ah! there it is," she replied; "and thus does love level all in their +turns; the weak with the strong, the sensible with the foolish. One +thing more, Helen, before you go--You shall have your mother's +countenance and presence to support you under your new trials: I will +condescend to invite myself to attend rehearsals, and I will be at the +representation." + +I received this offer with gratitude, and then returned to tell my +husband that I would perform the part of Lady Frances Touchwood. + +He was delighted with my compliance; and on making me read the part +aloud directly he declared that I should perform to admiration. + +"I should have played Letitia Hardy better," said I. + +"You! how conceited!" + +"I got that part by heart once, and I have often acted it quite through +for my own amusement when I was quite alone. But I prefer playing Lady +Frances now, for the days of my vanity are pretty well over." + +"No, no, child, they are only now beginning, according to this; and +little did I think I had married a great actress." + +Pendarves then departed in high spirits to his friends, and I sat down +to study my part. But bitter were the tears I shed over it. And was I, +so lately the mourner over a dying and a dead child, was I about to +engage in dissipations like these?--But humbly hoping my motive +sanctified my deed, I shook off overwhelming recollections, and resolved +to persevere in my new task. + +For some days, and till all was ready for rehearsals, Pendarves +rehearsed his part to me, and I to him; but at length he found it +pleasanter to have Lady Martindale hear him, he said, for her broken +English was so amusing. + +I could not oppose to this excellent reason my being a better judge of +his performance, but I was forced to submit in silence. Now, however, I +was soon called to rehearsals, and my mother was allowed to accompany +me. + +My first performance was wretched, and I thought Seymour looked ashamed +of me; but my mother said she should have been mortified if I had done +better the first time. The next I gained credit; but on the third day I +found the party in great distress. The Letitia Hardy had been sent for +to a dying father, and there was no one to undertake her part. You may +easily guess that Seymour immediately told tales of me, and I undertook +that prominent character: but I did not shrink from it, for my husband +was to act with me; and Letitia Hardy was not more eager to charm +Doricourt, than I to charm my husband. + +You know there is a minuet to be danced, and a song to be sung; and as +Le Piq and Madame Rossi were the first dancers when I was young, I had +taken lessons of both in London, and was said to dance a minuet well. +Pendarves was equally celebrated in that dance; and as we rehearsed +our minuet often at home, each declared the other perfect; nor was the +little song less warmly applauded, which I substituted for the original, +and adapted to a Scotch air. It applied to my own situation and feelings +as well as to those of the heroine, and was as follows: + + SONG. + + If now before this splendid throng + With timid voice, but daring aim, + I strive to wake my pensive song + And urge the minstrel's tuneful claim; + One wish alone the anxious task can move, + The wish to charm the ear of HIM I LOVE. + + If in the dance with eager feet + I seek a grace before unknown, + And dare the critic eye to meet, + Nor heed though scornful numbers frown; + This wish to fear superior bids me prove, + The wish to charm the eye of HIM I LOVE. + + And if, my woman's fears resign'd, + I thus my loved retirement leave, + My humble vest with roses bind, + And jewels in my tresses weave; + One wish alone could such vast efforts move, + The wish to _fix the heart_ of HIM I LOVE. + +The rehearsals meanwhile were pleasanter than I expected. My husband +was forced to be a great deal with me, as he had to rehearse so much +with me; and Lady Martindale chose to practise her ballet in her own +apartment, in sight of a long glass. Therefore I had not to bear, as +I expected, my husband's complete neglect; and I could smile at the +meanness which led her to come in while I was rehearsing, and lament, +as she looked on, loud enough for Seymour and me to hear, that the +_charmante_ Henrietta Goodwin was summoned away, and could not perform +the heroine, because she did it _ŕ ravir_. I saw Pendarves change colour +often when she said this, and she said it daily; but as he thought I +much excelled Miss Goodwin, he attributed it to female envy, and perhaps +to jealousy of me as his wife. + +At length the first day of our theatricals took place, and a company far +more select and less numerous than I expected was assembled. My mother +had insisted on defraying my expenses, and both my dresses were elegant. +You must forgive my vanity when I say, that with rouge replacing my +natural bloom, and clad in a most becoming manner, I looked as young +and as well as when I married; while to my grateful joy my husband +seemed to admire me more than any one. Indeed he pronounced my whole +performance beyond praise, and I know not what any one else said. I made +one alteration, however, in the text on the night of representation, +which called down thunders of applause. The Author makes Letitia Hardy +say, that if her husband was unfaithful she would elope with the first +pretty fellow that asked her, while her feelings preyed on her life. I +could not make my lips utter such words as these; I therefore said, "I +would not elope like some women, &c. but would patiently endure my +sufferings, though my feelings preyed on my life." + +Seymour was so surprised, so confounded, and so affected, that he seized +my hand and pressed it to his heart and his lips before he could reply: +and my mother told me afterwards that she could scarcely controul her +emotions at a change so worthy of me, and so well-timed. The next +representation was deferred for a week; and, whatever was the reason, +Lady Martindale deferred any exhibition of herself to that future +opportunity. + +But the comfort and the joy of all to me was, that during this +intermediate week I recovered my husband; and with him some of my good +looks; while that odious lord would very fain have bestowed on me equal +attention to what Seymour had bestowed on his wife, and of a less +equivocal nature. + +Lord Charles Belmour at this period paid us an unexpected visit, having +entirely recovered from his late indisposition. I certainly was not +glad to see him, though I believed he regarded me with more kindness +than formerly, and he was evidently solicitous, by the most respectful +attentions, to conciliate the regard of my beloved mother. + +Out of compliment to Lord Charles, Seymour dined at home two days; but +on the third, he insisted on taking his friend to call at Oswald Lodge, +whose hospitable master had called on him, as soon as he heard of his +arrival, and was anxious to have the honour of his acquaintance. Lord +Charles thought the honour would be all on Mr. Oswald's side, and +probably the pleasure also; but he was at length prevailed on to return +the call, and to my great joy he returned wondering at Seymour's +infatuation in living so much with such a vulgar set; declaring, that +even the Lady Martindale had more the air of a French _petite maîtresse_ +than of any thing akin to quality. He said this in my mother's presence +and mine, and he could not have made, I own, better court to either. + +"My daughter and I always thought so; and I am glad to have our +judgement confirmed by your lordship," answered my mother. "But my son +thinks differently." + +"I do indeed," said Pendarves blushing; "and when Lord Charles sees her +to advantage,--which he did not to-day,--he will not, I am sure, wonder +at my admiration." + +"Well, we shall see," said he; "but I trust I shall not change my mind, +if the future exhibitions of her exquisite ladyship be like that of +to-day. You were not there, ladies; therefore, for your amusement, +allow me to open my show-box and give you portraits of the inhabitants +of Oswald Lodge." + +He then stood up, and Mr. and Mrs. Oswald lived before us: air, voice, +attitude--all perfectly given. Then came Lord Martindale; and at these +pictures Pendarves laughed heartily: but when Lord Charles exhibited the +dog and lady by turns dancing, and sometimes barking for the one, and +throwing himself into attitudes and smiling for the other, my husband +looked much disconcerted, and said it was a gross caricature. But we did +not think it so; and though neither my mother nor myself approved such +exhibitions, and on principle discouraged them, still on this occasion +I must own they were very gratifying to me. But the feeling was an +unworthy one, and it was soon punished; for Seymour said with a look of +reproach, "You have mortified me, Helen: I had given you credit for more +generosity: I did not think you would thus enjoy a laugh at any one's +expense; especially that of one whose graces and talents you have +yourself acknowledged." + +I felt humbled and ashamed at the just reproof, though I thought he +should not thus have reproved me, and I was silent; but my mother +haughtily replied, "I am glad to hear you own you are mortified to find +your wife has some leaven of human frailty; as I am now for the first +time convinced that you appreciate her justly." + +"I have many faults," he replied; "but that of not valuing Helen as she +deserves was never one of them; and oh! how deeply do I feel and +bitterly lament that I am not more worthy of her and you!" + +My mother instantly held out her hand to him; while Lord Charles +exclaimed, "What a graceful and candid avowal! No wonder the offender +is so soon forgiven! But believe me, dear madam, there is no hope of +amendment from persons who are so ready to own their faults; for they +consider that candour makes amends for all their errors, and throws such +a charm over them, that they have no motive to improve, especially if +they are young and handsome like my friend here; for really he looked so +pretty, and modest and pathetic, that I wondered you only gave him your +hand to kiss." + +"Be quiet, Lord Charles; you are not a kind commentator." + +"But I am a just one. Oh! believe me, there is more hope of an ugly dog +like me, who can't look affecting, than of such a man as Seymour. I +cannot make error look engaging if I would, and therefore must reform +in good earnest when I wish to please." + +That night Seymour, who sat up with Lord Charles, did not come to bed +till some hours after me. I was awake when he entered the room, and +could not help asking him what had kept them up so late, anticipating +his answer only too well. "We sat up playing piquet," said he in a +cheerful voice; "and I am a great winner, Helen. If Lord Charles stays +some days, and plays as he did to-night, I am a made man: only think of +my winning a hundred pounds since you left us!" + +"But if Lord Charles should not always play as he did to-night, and you +should lose a hundred pounds, what is to become of you then?" + +"Psha, Helen! you are always so wise and cautious: there, there, go to +sleep, and do not alarm yourself concerning what may never happen." + +But I could not go to sleep, though I said no more; and I saw that our +guest would probably upset those resolutions to which Pendarves had for +some time adhered. True, he had not been tempted to break them; but had +his desire for play been strong, he could have sought means to indulge +it. He had not done so, and therefore I thought him cured; though, as +most persons have recourse to gaming merely to produce excitement, and +the stimulus of alternate hope and fear, I could not but see that Oswald +Lodge and Lady Martindale amply supplied to my husband the place of +play; and so that he was interested and amused, it mattered not whence +that feeling was derived. And this was he who had declared himself the +votary of domestic habits, home amusements and literary pursuits! But +now he was most unexpectedly and unnecessarily assailed; for he had not +gone to temptation, but it was come to him,--and my resolution was +taken. + +The next morning, while we were at breakfast, a chaise stopped at our +door. It was sent from Oswald Lodge, to convey my husband thither +immediately; as a note from Lady Martindale informed him, that she could +not make arrangements for the next evening's exhibition without his +advice and assistance: for nobody, she added, had any taste but himself. + +This note Lord Charles playfully snatched from him, and would read +aloud, much to Seymour's annoyance; as, though the language was elegant, +there was not a word spelt right, and every rule of grammar was +violated. + +"The education of this well born lady was much neglected, I see," said +Lord Charles: "would she could spell as well as she can flatter!" + +He then read the concluding compliment aloud. + +"_C'est un peu fort,_" he observed, returning the note; which Seymour +angrily observed he ought not to have allowed him to read. + +"Well; but you obey the summons, I suppose?" + +"Certainly." + +"And when may we hope to see you again?" + +"As soon as I can get away." + +"That may not be till bed-time." + +"Impossible! have I not promised to give you your revenge this evening?" + +"Yes; but when a lady's in the case--" + +"Nonsense! I shall return to dinner." + +"And not before? How mortifying it is to me to see that you are not +afraid of leaving me so many hours at liberty to pay court to your +wife,--with whom, you know, I am desperately in love!" + +"If my wife were not what she is, I should be so; and my confidence, I +assure you, is not in you, but in her." + +"Besides, we shall not be alone, my lord, for I am going to challenge +you," said I, "to call on my mother." + +"Agreed! And now I am flattered. Your lady, you see, thinks me a more +formidable person than you do. Suppose, my dear lady, that we go off +together, only to punish him for his weak confidence?" + +"We will consider of it," said I, laughing; "and in the meanwhile we +will visit my mother." + +My husband then drove off and I prepared for my walk.--When I returned, +I found Lord Charles walking up and down the room, and with a thoughtful +disturbed countenance. + +"Mrs. Pendarves," cried he, "I have no patience with that infatuated +husband of yours! Here am I come on purpose to see him and for a short +time only, and yet, at the call of this equivocal French peeress, he +leaves me, and has the indecorum, too, to go away and leave me with +his beautiful wife! Tell me, do you not believe in love-powders and +philters? for surely some must have been administered to him." + +"Not necessarily: my ill-health, the consequence of sorrow, and that +sorrow itself made poor Seymour's home uncomfortable to him; he did +not like to see me suffer, therefore he acquired a habit of seeking +amusement elsewhere; and the flatteries and invitations of these gay and +agreeable people have at last obtained a complete ascendency over him." + +"That I see; and such people too! And to think of what the foolish man +leaves! Mrs. Pendarves, I think that if I had had such a wife as his, I +could not have left my home as he does." + +"Lord Charles," replied I, "this is language which I will not listen +to; but I laugh at your self-deception. The habits of all men of the +world are similar, and alike powerful, and your wife would be left as I +am: but I assure you that I am convinced my husband loves me tenderly +notwithstanding; and I am trying, by conforming to his habits, to make +myself as agreeable to him as others are." + +Lord Charles seemed about to break into violent exclamations of some +kind or other; but I stopped him, and begged to lead the way to my +mother's. He bowed respectfully, and followed me: then taking his arm, I +tried to begin the conversation I meditated; and luckily he made my task +easy by saying, "I conclude Pendarves told you how completely he beat me +at cards last night? But he has promised to give me my revenge to-night. +The truth is, I have not played picquet these two years; but before I +leave you, I expect to recover my knowledge, and to turn my visit to +account: for I have been very unsuccessful at Brookes's lately." + +I now stopped, and said, "Hear me, Lord Charles! I believe that you can +be a kind and honourable man, and that you are really disposed to be a +friend to me." + +"To be sure--to be sure I am." + +"I feel, I own, your power to be my foe in many essential points, but I +am equally sure that you can be my friend if you choose; and I request +you, if you value my peace of mind, not to tempt my husband to renew +that habit and fondness for play, which he had lost, which he cannot +afford to indulge, and which, I assure you, has impoverished and +distressed us." + +"You amaze me! Impoverished!" + +"Yes; we have been forced to part with our horses and dismiss servants. +Surely, therefore, it would not be the part of a friend to lure +Pendarves to the risk of losing a hundred pounds a-night. My lord, I +throw myself on your generosity, and say no more." + +"You have said enough; and the admirable wife's prudence shall make +amends for the rashness of her husband. Besides, I am so flattered by +your confidence in me! At last to find you considering me as a friend, +and asking assistance from me as a friend! I protest I am more flattered +by your friendship than I should be by the love of twenty other +women.--Take my revenge! No, indeed. He shall keep his hundred pounds: +'I will none of it.'" + +"Hold; not so: play with him this evening; but whether you win or lose, +declare you will play no more. I would rather you should win back the +money, and even more; for it may be dangerous to Seymour to feel himself +enriched by play, and he may go on, though not with you: but after this +evening, forbear." + +"Excellent! excellent! O that ever I should come hither! I shall be a +lost man: for I shall fancy it so charming a thing to have a wife to +take care of me, that I shall marry, and find too late there is only +one Helen Pendarves!--But tell me, do you wish me to go away to-day, +to-morrow, or when--in order to put you out of your pain?" + +"By no means: I rely implicitly on your promise; and I owe it to you to +assure you, Lord Charles, that your company is most welcome to me, and +that I shall not forget your kindness." + +I now offered him my hand, which he was going to kiss; but suddenly +dropping it, he said, "No--no; take it away.--You must not be too good +to me: I am not a man to be trusted with much flattery and kindness: +for, ugly as I am, the women have so spoiled me, that I may fancy even +you are kind to me '_pour l'amour des mes beaux yeux_,'"[6] opening his +gooseberry eyes as wide as he could, and in a manner so irresistibly +comic, that I gave way to that laughter which he delighted to excite. I +therefore entered my mother's parlour looking more animated than usual, +and she looked most graciously on my companion as the cause: but she +seemed displeased when she found Pendarves was gone to Oswald Lodge, and +had left me to entertain his noble guest. + + [Footnote 6: For the love of my fine eyes.] + +I now took my departure, having some poor cottagers to visit. When I +came back, I saw by the thoughtful brow and flushed cheek of both, that +their conversation had been of a very interesting nature; and I also saw +that there was an air of confiding intimacy between them, which I never +expected to see between two persons so little accordant in habits and +sentiments. + +But every human being has a capacity for good as well as evil, and +the great difference in us all results chiefly, I believe, from the +favourable or unfavourable circumstances in which we are placed. Lord +Charles had been so circumstanced, that his capacity for evil alone had +been cultivated; and till he knew my mother and myself, he had never met +in women any other description of companions than those whom he courted, +conquered, and despised,--and those whose rigid morals and disagreeable +manners threw him haughtily at a distance, and made him hate virtue for +their sakes. But now, trusted, noticed, liked by women of a different +kind, his good feelings were awakened; and while with us, he really was +the amiable being which he might, differently situated, have always +been. + +"I love to be with you," said he to us: "your influence is so beneficial +over me, and you wrap me in such a pleasing illusion! for while I am +with you I fancy myself as good as you are: but when I go away, I shall +be just as bad again.--Well; have you nothing to say in reply? How +disappointed I am! for I thought you would in mercy have exclaimed, +'Then stay here for ever!' Would I could!" + +And indeed, when he did go, I missed him.--But to return to the place +whence I digressed. Pendarves came home time enough to take a ride with +Lord Charles, but he took care to let him see that he expected more +attention from him. That evening he challenged my husband to picquet; +and having won back nearly the whole of what he had lost, positively +declined playing any more: and, much to Seymour's vexation, he would not +play again while he staid. The second night's performances at Oswald +Lodge now took place; but though Lord Charles staid to be present at +them, he could not help expressing his astonishment to me, when alone, +that a modest, respectable gentlewoman like myself should ever have +joined in them, and that my husband should have permitted it. + +"It is very well for these fiddling, frolicking, fun-hunting Oswalds," +said he, "to fill their house with persons and things of this sort, +and rant and roar, and kick and jump, and make fools and tumblers of +themselves and such of their guests as like it: but never did I expect +to see the dignified and retiring Helen Pendarves exhibiting her person +on a stage, and levelling herself to a Lady Martindale. As your friend, +your adoring friend, I tell you, that such an exhibition degrades you." + +"It would do so were it my choice, but it is my necessity; and the +fulfilment of a painful duty exalts rather than degrades." + +"Duty!" + +"Yes; my husband required me to act, and I obeyed." + +"I understand you. Oh! what a rash, ill-judging being he is! But I beg +your pardon, and will say no more. Yet I must add, you are justified; +but alas! what can justify him?" + +This conversation did not give me any additional courage to undertake +and execute my task; especially as I had no reputation as an actress to +lose, and other circumstances increased my timidity.--Lady Martindale +had purposely reserved all her powers for this evening, and, as she +herself said, she was very glad to have her performance witnessed by +such a judge as Lord Charles Belmour--a man whose opinion, she knew, was +looked up to in all circles as decisive, with regard to beauty, grace, +and talents. No wonder, therefore, that to throw her spells round him +was become the object of her ambition. Hitherto he had avoided her, and +she seemed conscious that he did not admire her. Her only hope was, I +believe, therefore, to charm him at once by a _coup de théâtre_; and +while she convinced Pendarves that for him alone she should exert her +various powers, her fascinating graces were in reality aimed at Lord +Charles: so I thought and suspected,--and though jealousy blinds, it +also very often enlightens. + +She was to begin the entertainments by acting a French proverb with a +French gentleman, an _emigré_, who was staying at the house; and having +no doubt of her transcendent powers, I felt very reluctant to enter +into competition with her. Yet, was not the prize for which I strove +my husband's admiration? But then was I not degrading myself from the +dignity of a wife and a private gentlewoman, by putting myself into a +competition like this? The question was difficult to answer, and while I +was thus ruminating, the curtain drew up. + +I shall not describe her performance: suffice, that the exhibition was +perfect. The dialogue was epigrammatic, and the scenes too short to let +the attention flag. Every word, every gesture, every look told; and the +curtain dropped amidst the loudest applauses. + +I could only see from the side-scene; but I saw enough to make me feel +my own inferiority, and I went on for Letitia Hardy in a tremor of +spirits of which I was quite ashamed; nor could the kindest of the +audience applaud me, except from pity and the wish to encourage me; +while I saw that Lord Charles could not even do that, and sat silent, +and, I thought, uneasy. However, I recovered myself in the masquerade +scene, though my voice when I sung still trembled with emotion; and now +I was overwhelmed with plaudits, and even Lord Charles seemed pleased; +for, as I was masked, I could examine the audience. + +Still the play went off languidly after the lively petite piece, and I +saw I had mortified my husband's vanity, which my first performance had +gratified. + +Much impatience was expressed for the next entertainment, which was +Rouseau's Pygmalion. Pygmalion by the French Marquis; the Statue, by +Lady Martindale. This was received with delight; and I saw that the +beautiful statue, whose exquisite proportions were any thing but +concealed by the dress she wore, absorbed completely the attention +of Pendarves; and when she left the stage apparently exhausted, how +different were the look and manner with which he led her to her +dressing-room, to those with which he had so handed me! + +"Why, why," said I to myself, "did I attempt a comparison, in which I +was sure to fail?" But if I had erred, I had meant well, and my mother +had approved my conduct, and that must console me under my want of +success; for, instead of winning Seymour back, I now saw that, feeling +my rival's superiority over me, he would be more her slave than ever. + +The whole concluded with a ballet of action, a monodrame, by Lady +Martindale, to which I was too uncomfortable to attend; but what I saw I +thought admirable. She pretended to be overcome with fatigue when it was +ended, and fell into my husband's arms, who in his alarm called me to +her assistance. I went; but her lip retained its glowing hue, and I saw +in her illness nothing but a new attitude, and that the statue was now +recumbent. Having been long enough contemplated in this posture, she +opened her eyes, fixed them with a dying look on Pendarves, and then +desired him to lead her to her apartment: whence she returned attired in +a splendid mantle, which seemed in modesty thrown over her statue dress, +but which coquettishly displayed occasionally the form it seemed +intended to hide. + +I never saw Lord Charles so disconcerted as he was during the whole of +the time. He could not bear to praise the heroine of the evening, yet +he felt that praise was her due. Nor could he bear either to find fault +with or to praise _me_. In this dilemma, he seemed to think it was +best to be silent; and drawing himself up, he entrenched himself in +the consciousness that he was Lord Charles Belmour. But while Lady +Martindale leaned on Seymour on one side and I on the other, as we +were awaiting the summons to supper, surrounded by our flatterers, one +glance at my dejected countenance brought back his kinder feelings; and +turning to my mother, who held his arm, he said, "Shall I tell your fair +daughter how enchanted I was with the masquerade scene?" + +"I assure you," said Seymour, "Helen did not do herself justice +to-night: she did not act as well as she can act." + +"I should have been very sorry, so much do I esteem her, to have +seen her act better," was his cold reply. "Would you have your wife, +Pendarves, perform as well as a professional person, and as if she had +been brought up on the stage?" + +"I would wish my wife to do well whatever she undertakes," replied +Seymour. + +"And so she does, and so she _did_; but if you do not love her the +better (as I am sure you do) for the graceful timidity which she +displayed, I could not esteem you." + +Lady Martindale, who watched his very look, now bit her lip, and +Seymour did not look pleased. My mother owned afterwards, that what +with pinching Lord Charles's arm, to see how Lord and Lady Martindale +both were confused by the first part of his speech, and squeezing it +affectionately from delight at the last, she is very sure Lord Charles +carried her marks with him to London. _I_ too could scarcely keep the +grateful tears from flowing down my cheeks, which his well timed +kindness brought into my eyes: but I saw that my expression was not lost +upon him. + +Seymour led Lady Martindale to the head of the supper table, and Lord +Charles on account of his rank was forced to sit next her. + +"Painful pre-eminence!" he whispered to my mother, who, as I was one of +the queens of the night, insisted on my taking her place on the other +side. Lord Martindale seated himself next me; and Seymour took the seat +vacant by Lady Martindale. As Lord Charles scarcely noticed her, except +as far as civility commanded, Lady Martindale soon turned her back on +him, and Seymour and she seemed to forget any one else was present. + +Lord Charles endeavoured by the most unremitting attentions to conceal +from me what must, he knew, distress me. But he could not do it: I +heard every whisper of their softened voices, and I dare say my uneasy +countenance was a complete and whimsical contrast to that of Lord +Martindale, who seemed perfectly easy under circumstances which would +have distressed most men, and talked and laughed with every one in his +turn. + +The Lord and Lady of the feast, who were never tired of exhibitions, +now began their usual demands on the talents of their guests, and were +importunate in soliciting several of them to sing, a custom which I +usually think "more honoured in the breach than the observance;" but on +this occasion it was welcome to me, especially as I knew that it must +for a time interrupt Seymour's attention to Lady Martindale. But as the +hypochondriac, when he reads a book on diseases, always finds his own +symptoms in every case before him, so I in the then existing state of +my feelings always brought home every thing I heard or read to my own +heart; and two of the songs which were sung that night accorded so well +with my own state of mind, that I felt the tears come into my eyes as I +listened; and during the following one Pendarves sighed so audibly, that +I imagined he felt great sympathy with the sentiments; and that idea +increased my suffering:-- + + SONG. + + O that I could recall the day + When all my hours to thee were given, + And, as I gazed my soul away, + Thou wert my treasure, world, and heaven! + + Then time on noiseless pinions flew, + And life like one bright morning beam'd: + Then love around us roses threw, + Which ever fresh and fragrant seem'd. + And are these moments gone for ever? + And can they ne'er return? NO NEVER. + + For oh! that cruel traitor Time, + Although he might unheeded move, + Bore off our YOUTH'S luxuriant prime, + And _also_ stole the _bloom of_ LOVE. + + Yet still the thought of raptures past + Shall gild life's dull remaining store, + As sinking suns a _splendour_ cast + On scenes their _presence lights_ no more. + + But are those raptures gone for ever? + And will they ne'er return? NO NEVER. + +The other song was only in unison with my feelings in the last lines of +the last verse. Still, while my morbid fancy made me consider them as +the expression of my own sentiments, I listened with such a tell-tale +countenance, that my delicacy was wounded; for I saw that my emotion was +visible to those who sat opposite to me. + +The song was as follows:-- + + FAIREST, SWEETEST, DEAREST, + + A SONG. + + + "Say, by what name can I impart + My sense, dear girl, of what thou art? + Nay, though to frown thou darest, + I'll say thou art of _girls the pride_: + And though that modest lip may chide, + Mary! I'll call thee 'FAIREST.' + + "Yet no--that word can but express + The soft and winning loveliness + In which the sight thou meetest. + But not thy heart, thy temper too, + So good, so sweet--Ha! that will do! + Mary! I'll call thee 'SWEETEST.' + + "But 'fairest, sweetest,' vain would be + To speak the love I feel for thee: + Why smilest thou as thou hearest?" + "Because," she cried, "one little name + Is all I wish from thee to claim-- + That _precious_ name is 'DEAREST.'" + +You will not, I conclude, imagine that I remember these songs only from +having heard them that night, especially as they have very little merit; +but the truth is, I was so pleased with them, because I fancied them +applicable to my own feelings, that I requested them of the gentlemen +who sung, and they were given to me. + +Lord Charles meanwhile listened to the singing with great impatience, as +he had had enough of the company, which was very numerous, and by no +means as select as it had been before. Indeed at one table were many +persons in whom the observant eye of Lord Charles discovered associates +whose evident vulgarity made him feel himself out of his place. However, +he could not presume to break up the party; and as our indefatigable +host and hostess still kept forcing the talents of their guests into +their service, song succeeded to song, and duet to duet. From one of the +latter, however, sung by a lady and gentleman, I at length derived a +soothing feeling; and in one moment, an observation of Seymour's, with, +as I fancied, a correspondent and intended expression of countenance, +removed a load from my heart, and my clouded brow became consciously to +myself unclouded again. + +The words of this healing duet were as follows:-- + + DUET. + + "Say, why art thou pensive, beloved of my heart? + Indeed I am happy wherever thou art: + My eyes I confess toward others may rove, + But never, believe me, with wishes of love. + And trust me, however my _glances_ may roam, + Of them, and _my heart_, THOU ALONE ART THE HOME!" + + ANSWER. + + "Perhaps I am wrong thus dejected to be; + But my faithful eyes never wander from _thee_. + On beauty and youth _I unconsciously_ gaze, + No thought, no emotion in me they can raise; + And ah! if thine eyes get the habit to roam, + How can I _be certain_ they'll EVER COME HOME?" + + "Oh! trust thy own charms! See the bee as he flies, + And visits each blossom of exquisite dies; + There culls of their sweetness some store for his cell; + But short are his visits, and prompt his farewell; + For still he remembers, howe'er he may roam, + That _hoard of delight_ which AWAITS HIM AT HOME. + + "Then trust me, however thy Henry may roam, + I feel my best pleasures AWAIT ME AT HOME." + + "I'll try to believe, howsoever thou roam, + Thy heart's dearest pleasures await thee at home." + +"That is a charming duet," cried Seymour when it was ended. Then leaning +behind Lady Martindale and Lord Charles, and calling to me, he said, +with a look from which my conscious eye shrunk, "Helen, I admire the +sentiment of that duet. I think, my love, we will get it--we should sing +it _con amore_, should we not?" I could not look at him as I replied, +"_I_ could, I am sure." + +"Silly girl," he added in a low and kind tone, "and so, I am sure, could +I." + +I then ventured to raise my eyes to his; and his expression was such, +that I felt quite a different creature, and was able to enjoy the rest +of the evening. + +But why do I enter into these minute and unimportant details? Let me +efface them--but no, perhaps they may chance to meet the eyes of some +whose hearts have felt the anxieties and the vicissitudes of mine, and +to them they may be interesting. + +Lord Martindale was now requested to favour the company with a song, +and with great good nature he instantly complied;--while Lord Charles +whispered across me to my mother, "What a disgrace that fellow is to the +peerage!" + +"By his vices I grant you," replied my mother, "but not by his obliging +compliance." + +Lord Charles shrugged up his shoulders and was about to reply, when +Silence was vociferated rather angrily by the lady of the house, who had +not been blind to the airs which, as she said, Lord Charles had given +himself the whole evening. Lord Martindale, as may be supposed, was +greatly applauded, on the same principle as that mentioned by the poet +with regard to noble authors: + + "For if a lord once own the happy lines, + How the wit brightens! how the taste refines!" + +and the noisy expressions of admiration which rewarded a very mediocre +performance did not increase the good humour of our noble guest, against +whom I saw an attack preparing at the bottom of the table. At length +a very pretty girl, and who had sung with considerable skill, tried +to engage the attention of Lord Charles; and finding "Sir" was not +sufficient, she added "Mr. Belmour, Sir!" But some one whispered, "He is +a Lord;" on which she said, "Dear me! Well then, My lord, Lord Belmour;" +and Lord Charles turned towards the pretty speaker, while a half-muttered +"Vulgar animal!" was audible to my mother and myself, and formed a +ludicrous contrast to the affectedly respectful attention and bent head +with which he listened to what she had to observe. + +But when he found that the young lady was requesting him to sing, and +that she declared she had a claim on him, his expression of mingled +_hauteur_, astonishment, and indignation, was highly comic, and we who +knew him were eagerly expecting his answer, when we heard him say, +having bowed and smirked his hand affectedly to his heart at the same +time, "with the greatest pleasure in life;--which wine, claret or +Champagne?" + +"Dear me," cried the young lady, "I did not ask you to drink, but to +sing, my lord." + +"Oh! Champagne; very good. Carry a glass to that young lady:" but she +indignantly rejected it, and repeated her request. + +"I beg pardon," replied the impracticable Lord Charles, "I thought you +said Champagne: then take claret to the young lady," who in vain exerted +her voice. He remained quite deaf, holding his ear like a deaf person, +much to the amusement of the company and the confusion of the fair +supplicant, who had been encouraged by the admiring glances which Lord +Charles had till now bestowed on her, to think that any request from her +would have been attended to. + +Thus far Lord Charles's endangered dignity had come off with flying +colours, as it was no great affront to be requested to sing by a pretty +girl, even though she had told him that he had a singing face, and +looked like a singer; for the turn which he had given to her application +got the laugh on his side, and he was very sure that she would not so +presume again. But he was not to be let off so easily; for Mr. Oswald, +who, being almost "as drunk as a lord," felt himself quite as great as +one, now came behind Lord Charles, and giving him a sounding blow across +the back, exclaimed with an oath, "Come, now, Belmour, there is a good +fellow, do sing, for I have heard you are a comical dog when you like." + +If a look could have annihilated, that instant would the little fat man +have disappeared from off the face of the earth. The glance of Lord +Charles was powerless even to wound Mr. Oswald; and he was equally +unmoved when, scorning even to answer his importunate host, our friend +suddenly addressed my mother, saying, "I think, Mrs. Pendarves, you +desired me to call your carriage?" + +"You are mistaken, my lord," replied my mother, with a reproving +look which he well understood; and his tormentor was going to assail +him again, when Seymour, to relieve Lord Charles, drew him into +conversation; and I had just advised his still irritated guest to +remember that Oswald was intoxicated, when our attention was attracted +to a conversation between Mrs. Oswald and another lady, of which Lord +Charles was the subject; and it was evident that Mrs. Oswald spoke of +him in no friendly tone. + +"Yes, my lord," said she, "you may look; we were certainly talking of +your lordship." + +"You do me much honour, madam." + +"That is as it may be, my lord; but I was trying to do you justice, for +my friend said it was pride that prevented your singing; but _I_ said--" +(and here she raised her voice to a shriller and more ludicrous pitch +than usual) "yes, I said, says I, 'That is impossible, my dear; it +cannot be pride; for if a real peer of the realm,' says I, 'the real +thing, condescends to sing and amuse the company, surely Lord Charles +Belmour need not be above it, who is only a commonly called, you know.'" + +Instantly, to my consternation, and afterwards to his own, Lord Charles, +thrown off his guard by this sarcasm, echoed her last words, and gave +her tone and manner so exactly, that the effect upon the company was +irresistible, and a general laugh ensued; which, to do him justice, +shocked more than it gratified the self-condemned mimic, who could only +for a moment be provoked to violate the rules of good breeding; and he +was completely subdued, when Mrs. Oswald, with a degree of forbearance +and good-humour which exalted her in my esteem, observed, "Well, my +lord, you have condescended to exert your talent of mimicry, though you +would not sing; and though it was at my expense, I am grateful to you, +as you have contributed to amuse my company." + +"Admirably replied!" exclaimed my mother. + +"Excellent, excellent, bravo!" cried Pendarves; while Lord Charles, +admonished, penitent and ashamed, was not slow to redeem himself from +the sort of disgrace which he had incurred. Rising gracefully and +bowing his head on his clasped hands, he solicited her pardon for the +liberty which her evident nature had emboldened him to take, declaring +at the same time, that if she forgave him, it would be long before he +should forgive himself. + +Mrs. Oswald, who was really as kind-hearted as she seemed, readily +granted the pardon which he asked, and he respectfully pressed her +offered hand to his lips. He did more; for while the carriages were +called, he suddenly disappeared, and in a moment we could have fancied +ourselves at the door of Drury-lane or Covent-garden; for the offered +services of link-boys, the cries of "Coach, coach," and "Here, your +honour," with all the different sounds, were heard in the hall; and +while the guests listened delighted to this new and unexpected +entertainment, the Oswalds were, I saw, evidently gratified at finding +that it proceeded from the talent of Lord Charles. O the unnecessary +humiliation to which pride exposes itself! Had he civilly though firmly +refused the young lady's and Mr. Oswald's request to sing, and not +discovered in the evening his haughty contempt for the company and his +host, or insulted his hostess, he needed not to have condescended to an +expiatory exhibition from which under other circumstances his pride +would have properly revolted. + +Thus ended this to me disagreeable evening, which extended far into +the morning. The drive home was pleasant; for Lord Charles, having +reconciled himself to himself by his ample _amende honorable_, and by +the generous candour with which he received our reproofs, thought he +was privileged to indulge his less amiable feelings by turning some of +the company into ridicule, and exhibiting them to the very life before +us. I must own that I again felt an ungenerous pleasure in some part of +the entertainment, namely his mimicry of Lady Martindale, which I vainly +endeavoured to subdue, and I was glad that, as Pendarves rode on the +box, he did not witness my degradation. I must add, that both my mother +and myself were gratified to observe that Lord Charles forbore to mimic +our kind but vulgar host and hostess; and my mother took care to let him +know indirectly that his delicacy was not lost upon her. + +Another performance was fixed for that day week; the original Letitia +Hardy, however, was expected, and most gladly did I offer to resign my +part to her. Still, I was mortified to see with how little concern +Pendarves heard me offer my resignation, and saw it accepted. Alas! +not even Lord Charles's and my mother's joy at my being removed from a +situation which they thought unworthy of me, could reconcile me to his +indifference on the subject. + +The next day Lord Charles was to leave us; but I saw that his departure +was more welcome to my husband than to my mother and myself. In the +morning he had requested Pendarves to walk with him round the grounds, +and they returned, I observed, with disturbed countenances. + +Lord Charles then called, and sat some time with my mother. What passed +between them I do not know; but their parting was even affectionate, +and his with me was distinguished from all our other partings by a +degree of emotion for which I could not account. + +"How I shall miss you!" said I, softened by his dejection. + +"Thank you! I can bear better to leave you now:" and springing into his +carriage he drove off and I felt forlorn; for I felt that I had lost a +friend: and I also felt that I wanted one who, like him, had some check +over my husband. + +What more shall I say of this painful period of my life, for which, +however, painful as it was, I would gladly have exchanged that which +soon followed? One day was a transcript of the other. Pendarves, ever +good-natured and kind while he was at home, seemed to think that he was +thereby justified in leaving me continually; but as I was not of that +opinion, to use a French phrase, _je dépérissois ŕ vue d'oeil;_ and +though I affected to be cheerful, my mother saw that my feelings were +undermining my existence. But not even to her would I complain of my +husband and she respected my silence too much to wish me to break it. +However she was with me,--she, I felt, never would forsake me, or love +me less; and while I had her, I was far from being completely miserable. +Alas! what was she not to me? friend, counsellor, comforter! + +But the decree was gone forth, and even her I was doomed to resign! + +Not long after Lord Charles had quitted us, I perceived a visible +alteration in my mother's appearance. I saw that she ate little, that +she was very soon fatigued, and that her fine spirits were gone. I had +no doubt but that she fretted for my anxieties. I therefore laboured the +more to convince her that I was not as uneasy as she thought me. + +But how vainly did I try to veil my heart from her penetrating glance! +if there be such a thing as the art of divination, it is possessed by +the eagle eye of interested affection, and that was hers. + +My mother saw all my secret struggles; she pitied, she resented their +cause; and I have sometimes feared that she sunk under them. + +One morning, Pendarves on his return from Oswald Lodge came in with a +very animated countenance, and told us a new description of amusement +was introduced there, namely, archery, and he must beg me to go with him +the next day, and learn to be an archer. "Lady Martindale," cried he, +"already shoots like Diana herself." + +"The only resemblance, I should think," said my mother, "which she has +to Diana. But what do you say to this proposal, Helen? I must take leave +to say that, as your mother, you can never go to Oswald Lodge again with +my consent on any terms: and to engage in this new competition, oh! +never, never!" + +"And why not, madam? There is nothing indelicate in such an exhibition; +and I own my pride in Helen, as a husband, made me wish to see her fine +form exhibited in the graceful action of shooting at a target. Besides, +as I really wish if possible to associate her in all my amusements, I +was delighted to think this new pursuit would have led her to join me +in my visits to the Lodge, and I am really desirous to know on what +grounds you object to her obliging me." + +"On account of the company there. Mr. and Mrs. Oswald are weak, vain +people, fond of courting persons of quality; and so as they can but be +intimate with a Lord and Lady, they care not of what description they +are. This Lord Martindale is, I find, a man not much noticed by his +equals; and as to Lady Martindale, the woman who could so expose her +person in the dress of a Statue is not a fit companion for my daughter, +nor your wife." + +"You are severe, madam; but what says Helen?" + +"That my mother does not make sufficient allowances for the difference +of manners and ideas between a French and an English woman; and that +the dress which shocks us in the former does not necessarily prove +incorrectness of conduct." + +"Incorrectness of conduct! and can your mother suppose I would introduce +my wife to a woman whom I knew to be incorrect in her conduct?" + +"No, Seymour, no: I do you more justice. But it is my duty to inform you +that it is suspected this person is Lord Martindale's mistress only, not +his wife." + +"Not his wife!" interrupted Seymour. + +"No, so I am informed. As to him, you know his character is so infamous +that one can wonder at nothing he does; and he has been suspected of +being a spy for the French convention, as well as the lady." + +"Madam," said Seymour, "I thought you had been above listening to tales +like these, and I cannot think myself justified in acting upon them. On +the contrary, by taking my wife to the Lodge, I think it right to show +my disregard of them, especially as by staying away, and by her distant +manner when there, Helen has already injured the character of Lady +Martindale, and made even my attentions to her the source of calumny. +This the afflicted lady told me with tears and lamentations, and Helen's +renewed visits can alone repair the injury her absence has done." + +"So, then, this is the real reason of your wishing to make Helen a +sharer in your amusements, and to exhibit her fine form to advantage!" +exclaimed my mother indignantly. "But, Mr. Pendarves, if your constant +visits are injurious to the fame of this afflicted lady, you know your +remedy--discontinue them; for never, with my consent, shall my virtuous +daughter lend her assistance to shield any one from the infamy which +they deserve." + +"Deserve, madam!" cried Seymour, as indignant as she was: "repeat +that, and, spite of the love and reverence I bear you, I shall exert +a husband's lawful authority, and see who dares dispute it." + +"Not I," she replied, folding her arms submissively on her breast, "and +still less that poor trembling girl. No, Pendarves, my only resource now +is supplication and entreaty: and I conjure you, by the dear name of +your beloved mother, and by the memory of past fond and endearing +circumstances, and hours, to grant the prayer of a dying woman, and not +to force your wife to this abode of revelry and riot. I feel my days +are already numbered; and when I am taken from you, bitter will be your +recollections if you refuse, my son, and soothing if you grant my +prayer. I know you, Seymour, and I know that you cannot do any great +cruelty without great remorse." + +It was some moments before Pendarves could speak; at length he +said--"Your request alone would have been sufficient, without your +calling up such agonizing ideas. Helen, my best love, tell your mother +you shall never go to Oswald Lodge again." He then put his handkerchief +to his eyes, and rushed out of the room. + +"The foolish boy's heart is in the right place still," said my mother, +giving way to tears, but smiling at the same time. + +But I, alas! could neither smile nor speak. She had called herself a +dying woman; and through the rest of the day I could do nothing but +look at and watch her, and go out of the room to weep; and my night +was passed in wretchedness and prayer. + +The next day I found my husband cold and sullen in manner; and I +suspected that, having engaged to bring me to Oswald Lodge, he was +mortified and ashamed to go thither without me, and would, I doubted +not, make some excuse for my staying away which was not strictly true. + +No one could feel more strongly or more virtuously than Pendarves: but +good feelings, unless they are under the guard of strict principles, are +subject to run away when summoned by the voice of pleasure and of error: +and before he set off for the archery ground, he told me he sincerely +repented his promise to my mother. + +I did not reply, but shook my head mournfully. + +"Psha!" said he, "that ever a fine woman like you, Helen, should wish to +appear in her husband's eyes little better than a constant _memento +mori_! Helen, an arrow cannot fly as far in a wet as in a dry air; and a +laughing eye hits where a tearful one fails. You see I already steal my +metaphors from my new study. But, good bye, sweet Helen! and when I +return let me find you a little less dismal." + +This was not the way to make me so; nor were his daily visits at this +seducing house, which began in the morning, and lasted till he came home +to dress for dinner; he then returned thither to stay till evening. At +last he chose to dress there, and he did not return till night; nor, +perhaps, would he have done that, had there not been some house-breaking +in our neighbourhood, and he was afraid of leaving the house so +ill-defended. I think that pique and resentment had some share in making +him thus increase in the length as well as constancy of his visits; for +I saw but too clearly that he continued offended with my poor mother: +and I doubted not but that he had owned she was the cause of my refusal +to visit at the house, and that Lady Martindale had added full force to +this bitter feeling. + +But he soon lost all resentment against my beloved parent.--Not very +long after his painful conversation with her I was summoned to her, as +she was too ill to rise, and had sent for medical advice. + +"Go for my husband instantly," cried I. + +"My mistress forbade me go for him," replied her faithful Juan (one of +my father's manumised slaves), "and I canno go." + +"Then she does not think very ill of herself?" said I. + +"No, but I think very bad indeed." + +And when I saw her, my fears were as strongly excited. + +"I am going, I am going fast, my child," said she: "but I do not wish to +have Pendarves sent for yet: I wish to have you a little while without +any divided feelings, and all my own once more; when he comes, the wife +will seduce away the child." + +"How can you think so?" said I, giving way to an agony of grief; "and +how can you be so barbarous as to tell me you are dying?" + +"My poor child! I wished long ago to prepare you, but you would not be +prepared. For your sake I still wished to live. You would have better +spared me years ago, Helen! but this is cruel; and I will try to behave +better." + +As soon as her physician arrived, and had felt her pulse, I saw by his +countenance that he was considerably alarmed; and the first feeling of +my heart was to send for my husband, for him on whom I had been +accustomed to rely in the hour of affliction. But I dared not, after +what had passed! and I tried to rally all the powers of my mind to meet +the impending evil, while I raised my thoughts to Him who listens to the +cry of the orphan. + +The physician had promised to come again in the evening. He did so; and +then I learnt that there was indeed no hope; and I also learnt, by the +agony of that moment, that I had in reality hoped till then; and, more +like an automaton then aught alive, I sat by the fast exhausting +sufferer. + +Pendarves returned at night, and heard with anguish uncontrollable, not +only that my mother was dying, but had forbidden that he should be sent +for; and he arrived at the house in a state little short of distraction, +nor could he be kept from the chamber of death. + +His countenance, as he stood at the foot of the bed, told all the agony +of his mind. They tell me so, for I saw him not; I could only see that +object whom I was soon to behold no more! + +My mother knew him; read, no doubt, all his wild wan look expressed; and +smiling kindly, held out her hand to him. He was instantly on his knees +by her bed-side; and she seemed, from the look she gave him, to feel all +the maternal love for him revive which she had experienced through life. + +Your husband, my dear friend, now came to perform his interesting duty, +and we left her alone with him. + +Oh! what a night succeeded! But Pendarves felt more than I. My faculties +were benumbed: I had made such unnatural efforts for some time past to +appear cheerful, while my heart was breaking, that I was too much +exhausted to be able to endure this new demand on my fortitude and my +strength; therefore already was that merciful stupor coming over me, +which saved, I firmly believe, both my life and my reason. + +My mother frequently, during that night, joined my hand in that of +Pendarves, grasped them thus united, while her eyes were raised to +heaven in prayer, but spoke not. At length, however, just as the last +moment was approaching, she faltered out--"Seymour, be kind, be very +kind to my poor child; she has only you now." + +He replied by clasping me to his breast; and in one moment more all was +over! + +You know what followed; you know that for many weeks I was blessedly +unconscious of every thing, and that I lay between death and life under +the dominion of fever. My first return of consciousness and of speech +showed itself thus:--I heard voices below, and recognised them, no +doubt, as female voices; for I drew back the curtain, and asked my +mother's faithful Alice whose voice I heard. But the joy my speaking +gave the poor creature was instantly damped, for I added--"But I +conclude it is my mother's voice, and I dare say she will be here +presently." + +Alice, bursting into tears, replied--"Your blessed mother never come +now." + +"Oh, but by-and-by will do:" and I closed my eyes again. + +Alice now ran down stairs to call my husband, and tell him what +had passed. The voices I heard were those of Mrs. Oswald and Lady +Martindale, who had called every day to inquire for me; and Pendarves +had been this day prevailed upon to go down to them. But he bitterly +repented his complaisance when he found I had heard them talking; +though he rejoiced in my restored hearing, which had seemed quite gone. +He hastily, therefore, dismissed his visitors, and resumed his station +by my bed-side. I knew him, and spoke to him; but damped all his +satisfaction by asking for my mother, and wondering where she was. He +could not answer me, and was doubtful what he ought to reply when he +recovered himself. + +At this moment the physician entered; and hearing what had passed, +declared that the sooner he could make me understand what had happened, +and shed tears (for I had shed none yet), the sooner I should recover, +and he advised his beginning to do it directly. + +Accordingly, when I again asked for her he said--"Do you not see my +black coat, Helen? and do you not remember our loss?" + +"O, yes; but I thought our mourning for the dear child was over." + +"You see!" said Pendarves mournfully. + +The physician replied--"Till her memory is restored, though her life is +spared, a cure is far distant; but persevere." + +In a fortnight I was able to take air; but I still wondered where my +mother was, though I soon forgot her again. + +But one day Pendarves asked me if I would go and visit the grave of my +child, which I had not visited for some time. I thankfully complied, and +he dragged me in a garden chair to the church door. + +It was not without considerable emotion that he supported me to that +marble slab which now covered my mother as well as my child, and I +caught some of his trembling agitation. + +"Look there, my poor Helen!" said he. + +I did look, and read the name of my child. + +"Look lower yet." + +I did so, and the words 'Julia Pendarves;' with the sad _et cetera_, met +my view, and seemed to restore my shattered comprehension. + +In a moment the whole agonizing truth rushed upon my mind; and throwing +myself on the cold stone, I called upon my departed parent, and wept +till I was deluged in tears, and had sobbed myself into the stillness of +exhaustion. + +"Thank God! thou art restored, my beloved, and all will yet, I trust, be +well," said my husband as he bore me away. + +From that time my memory returned, and with it so acute a feeling of +what I had lost, that I fear I was ungrateful enough to regret my +imbecility. + +I now insisted on hearing details of all that had occurred since my +illness; and I found that my uncle and aunt had come down to attend the +funeral of my mother, and that Lord Charles had attended uninvited to +pay her that tribute of respect, nor had he returned to London till my +life was declared out of danger. How deeply I felt this attention! I +also heard that the ladies at the Lodge pestered my husband with letters, +to prevail on him to spare his sensibility the pain of following my lost +parent to the grave: but that, however he shrunk from the task, he had +treated their request with the utmost disregard, saying, that if he had +no other motive, the certainty that he was doing what _I_ should have +wished, was sufficient. + +When I was quite restored to strength, both of mind and body, Pendarves +gave me the key of my mother's papers, which he had carefully sealed up. +My mother left no will, as she wished me to inherit every thing; but in +a little paper directed to Pendarves she desired that an income might +be settled on Juan and Alice, which would make them comfortable and +independent for life; that her friends the De Waldens might have some +memorial of her given to them; and that Lord Charles might have her +travelling writing-desk. + +Oh! what overwhelming feelings I endured while looking over her papers, +containing a sketch of her life, her reflections and prayers when I +married Pendarves, a character of Lady Helen, of her husband and of my +father, and many fragments, all indicative of a mother's love and a +mother's anxiety! But tender sorrow was suspended by curiosity, when I +found one letter from Ferdinand de Walden! It was evidently written in +answer to one from her, in which she had described me as suffering +deeply, but, on principle, trying to appear cheerful, and for her sake +dutifully trying to conceal from her the agony of my heart. What else +she had said, was very evident from the part of the letter which I +transcribe, translating it from the French. + + "Yes! you only, I believe, do me justice. I should have been a + more devoted husband than Pendarves; having my affections built, I + trust, on a firmer foundation than his, viz. a purifying faith, + and its result, pure habits. Still, I know not how to excuse his + conduct towards such an angel! for oh! that faded cheek, and that + shrunk form, that dejection of spirits from a mother's sorrows + which seem to have alienated him, would have endeared her to me + still more fondly--" + +I had resolution enough, my dear friend, to pause here, and read no +more: nay, distrusting my own strength, I had the courage to commit the +dangerous letter to the flames, and that was indeed an exertion of duty. + +I shall pass lightly and rapidly over the next few months.--My husband +gradually resumed his intercourse at the Lodge; while I, to conceal as +much as possible his neglect, paid and received visits; and Mrs. Ridley +and my aunt were by turns my guests, for I had now lost my dread of the +latter. She had nothing to tell but what I knew already, except that she +believed my husband more criminal than I did or could think him, and +that I positively forbade her ever to name him to me again. I also +visited you, and did all I could to fly from that feeling of conscious +desolation which was ever present to me since I lost my mother. In all +other afflictions I had her to rely upon; I had her to sooth and to +comfort me: but who had I to console me for the loss of her? on whose +never-to-be-abated tenderness could I rely? Other ties, if destroyed, +may be formed again; but we can have parents only once; and I had lost +my mother, my sole surviving parent, at a moment when I wanted her most. +Still, I roused myself from my lethargy of grief, and 'sorrowed' not +like 'one without hope.' But the misery of disappointed and wounded +affections preyed on me while tenderer woes slumbered, and my health +continued to fade, my youth to decay. + +My kind aunt and Mrs. Ridley were both just come on a visit to me, when +Pendarves signified his intention of accompanying his friends on a tour +to the Lakes. He said his health had suffered much from his anxiety +during my illness, and he thought the journey would do him good. + +"Then take your wife a journey," cried my aunt bluntly: "she wants it +more than you do." + +"She will not accompany my friends," replied he; "and my word is pledged +to go with them." + +"Is a pledge given to friends more sacred than duty to a wife, Mr. +Seymour Pendarves?" + +"Is it a husband's duty never to stir without his wife, madam?" + +"My dear aunt, you forget," said I, "how unfit I am to travel: quiet and +home suit me best." + +"It is well they do," said my aunt; and Seymour left the room. + +I will pass over the time that intervened before Seymour's departure: +suffice that I tried to attribute his still frequent absences from home +to his dislike of his aunt's society; and in the meanwhile I masked an +aching heart in smiles, that no one might have the authority of my +dejected spirits to found an accusation of my husband upon. + +At length the day of Seymour's departure arrived, and we had an +affectionate and on my side a tearful parting: but I recovered myself +soon; and though I deeply felt the unkindness of his leaving me after +my recent affliction, I declared it the wisest thing he could do, and +that I hoped he would find me fat and cheerful at his return. But I saw +I did not convert my auditors; and that Lord Charles Belmour, who called +to inquire after my health, absolutely started when he found that +Seymour was gone away on a journey. I could not bear this, but left the +room; for I could not, would not, either by word or look, blame my +husband; and I could not bear to observe that he was blamed by others. + +At the end of three weeks my uncle came down to fetch his wife; and I +heard, with a satisfaction which I could not conceal, that my uncle +hoped he should be able to prove that Lady Martindale, as she was +called, was a spy of the Convention, and that he could get her sent +out of the country on the Alien Bill; for that she was undoubtedly the +mistress, not the wife, of Lord Martindale. I also learnt that Lord +Charles had been indefatigable in using his exertions and his interest +to effect this purpose, in hopes, as my aunt said, of opening my +husband's eyes; and she thought, when he saw that his uncle and his +friend were thus active and watchful to save him from perdition, that he +could not refuse to be convinced and saved. + +Alas! we none of us as yet knew Pendarves. We did not know that +in proportion to conscious strength of mind is the capacity of +conviction--and that no one is so jealous of interference, and so averse +to being proved in the wrong, as those who are most prone to err and +most conscious of weakness. My uncle and aunt went away in high spirits +at the idea of the good which was going to accrue to me from their +exertions, and left me much cheered in my prospects, little thinking of +the blow which these exertions were ensuring to me. + +My husband wrote to me on his journey about twice a week; but as he +rarely did so till the post was just going out, or the horses were +waiting, I was convinced, either that he had lost all remains of +tenderness for me, or that, conscious of acting ill, he could not +bear to write. + +When he had been gone two months, I was expecting his arrival in London +every day, and with no small anxiety; for my uncle had written me word, +that as soon as Annette Beauvais (for that _was_ her real name) arrived +in town, she would be seized by the officers employed by Government, and +be shipped off directly for Altona--whither Lord Martindale, who was +reckoned a dangerous disloyal subject, would be advised to accompany +her. + +But while I was pleasing myself with the idea that Pendarves, when +convinced of the real character of those with whom he associated so +intimately, would return to me thankful for the discovery, and that +in the detected courtesan and spy he would forget the fascinating +companion, a very different end was preparing for the well-intentioned +plans of our friend and relation. + +Pendarves, not choosing to fail in respect to his uncle, and resolved +to consider himself as on good terms with him, called at his house +in Stratford Place; but unfortunately found only Mrs. Pendarves. The +consequence you may easily foresee. She reproached him with his cruel +neglect of his wife, and then triumphed in the approaching discomfiture +of that wicked woman who had lured him from her; informing him with +great exultation, that his uncle had procured her arrestation; that she +would be taken up directly, and sent abroad; and that his angel-wife was +expecting his return to her with eager and affectionate love. + +"And was my wife privy to this injustice and this outrage?" asked +Pendarves, with a faltering voice and a flashing eye. + +"To be sure she was." + +"Then she may expect me, madam, but I will never return!" Having said +this, he rushed from the house, and hurried back to the lodgings. He +found Lady Martindale, as she still persisted in calling herself, in +fits, and Lord Martindale threatening, but in vain. The warrant was +executed, and the lady forced to set off, her lord having a hint given +him, which made his retreat advisable also. + +"You shall not go _alone_, my friends," said Pendarves, as soon as he +saw that their banishment was certain; "and as my family have presumed +to procure your exile, they shall find that they have exiled me too." + +So saying, he left the house, gained a passport as an American, which +you know he was, as well as myself, by birth, and soon overtaking them, +he travelled with them, and embarked with them for Altona. + +He wrote to me from the port whence they embarked, and such a letter! I +thought I should never have held up my head after it. He reproached me +for joining the mean cabal against an injured and innocent woman, and +declared that as I and his uncle had caused her exile, he felt it his +duty to sooth and to share it. + +In a postscript he told me he had drawn for all the money that was in +his banker's hands, before he set out on his journey: that he wished me +to let our house, and remove into my mother's, which was still empty; +that he trusted I would not let him want in a foreign land; for in some +respects he knew I could be generous; but that he feared the income of +his fortune must be appropriated to the payment of his debts, which were +so many, he feared he could not return, even if he wished it, except at +the danger of losing his personal liberty. He trusted therefore that I +would join my uncle in settling his affairs; and if he wanted money to +support him, he knew I would spare him some out of the fortune which +came to me on the death of my mother, the income of which I, and I +alone, could receive. + +In the midst of the wretchedness inflicted by this letter--for it was +my nature to cling to hope, I eagerly caught at the high idea of my +conjugal virtues which this cruel letter implied; and I trusted that, +when intimate association had completely unmasked this Syren and her +paramour, he would prize me the more from contrast, and hasten home to +receive my eagerly-bestowed forgiveness. But the order to let the house +was so indicative of a separation meant to be long, if not eternal, that +again and again I went from hope to despair. But there was one sorrow +converted into rejoicing. Till now I had grieved that my mother was +no more: but now I rejoiced to think that this last terrible blow was +spared her; that she did not live to witness the grief of her worse than +widowed daughter, nor to see the degradation of the beloved son of her +idolized Lady Helen. Degradation did I say? Yes: but I still persisted +to excuse my husband, and would not own even to myself that he was +without excuse for his conduct. I thought it was generous in him not to +forsake his friends in their distress, nor would I allow any one to hint +at the probability that his female companion was his mistress. + +I also resolved to justify his reliance on my exertions and my +generosity. I wrote to my uncle, I made myself acquainted with all his +embarrassments, I dismissed every servant but Alice and Juan, and I set +apart two-thirds of my income also for payment of the debts. + +My uncle would fain have interfered, and advanced me the money; but I +had a pride in making sacrifices for my husband's sake, and I wished Mr. +Pendarves to leave him money in his will, as a resource for him when he +should return to England, and I should be no more; for I fancied that I +was far gone in a rapid decline. But I mistook nervous symptoms, the +result of a distressed mind, for consumptive ones; and to my great +surprise, when I had arranged my husband's affairs, and had, while so +employed, been forced to visit London once or twice, and associate with +the friends who loved and honoured me, my pain of the side decreased, +my pulse became slower, my appetite returned, and I recovered something +of my former appearance. But it was now the end of the winter of 1793, +and the reign of terror had long been begun in France, while we heard +from every quarter that the English there were in the utmost danger, on +account of the unpopularity of the English Government; that all were +leaving France who could get away; and Pendarves was gone to Paris! But +then he was an American. Still, I could not divest myself of fears for +his life; and the horrible idea of his pining in a foreign land, in a +prison and in poverty, (for, though he had written to say he was arrived +in Paris, he had not drawn for money, nor given his address,) haunted me +continually. To be brief: you know how the idea of my husband's danger +took entire possession of my imagination, till I conceived it to be my +duty to set off for Paris. + +You remember, that you and your husband both dissuaded me from the rash +and hazardous undertaking; and that I replied, "I have now but one +object of interest in the world, the husband of my love! True, a +romantic generosity, and what he calls just resentment, have led him +for the present to forsake his country and me; but that is no reason +why I should forsake him; and who knows but that the result of my +self-devotion may restore him to me more attached than ever?" You know +that you listened, admired, and almost encouraged me; and that you have +always considered this determination, as the crown of my conjugal glory, +and held it up as a bright example of a wife's duty. But, my dear friend, +my own sobered judgement and the lessons of experience, together with +reproof from lips that never can deceive, and a judgement that can +rarely err, have convinced me that I rather violated than performed a +wife's duty when I set off on this romantic expedition to France. + +No: if ever I deserved the character of a good wife, it was from the +passive fortitude and the patient spirit with which I bore up against +neglect, wounded affections, and slighted tenderness. It was the sense +of duty which led me to throw a veil over my husband's faults, which +held him up when his own errors had cast him down, and which led me +still, in strict compliance with my marriage vows, to obey and honour +him by all a wife's attentions, even when I feared that he deserved not +my esteem. + +But to go on with my narrative. My uncle and aunt came down to reason me +out of my folly, as they called it; and my uncle thought he held a very +persuasive argument, for he told me he felt it indelicate for me to +intrude myself and my fondness on a husband who had showed he did not +value it, and had chosen to escape from me. + +"But I do not _mean_ to intrude upon him," I replied; "I mean to be +concealed in Paris, and with Alice and Juan to attend me; I fear nothing +for myself, nor need you fear for me." + +"What!" cried my aunt, "be in Paris, and not let the vile man know you +are there? _I_ should discover myself, if it were only for the sake of +reproaching him; for I should treat him very differently, I assure you. +_I_ should show him + + 'Earth has a rage with love to hatred turned, + And love has fury by a woman spurned.'" + +"But you are not Helen, my dear," said my uncle, meekly sighing as he +always did over her misquotations; and still he argued, and I resisted, +when I obtained an unexpected assistant in our kind physician. + +"My dear sir," said he, "if your niece remains here in compliance with +your wishes, I well know that her mind and her feelings will prey upon +her life, and ultimately destroy it, if they do not unsettle her reason. +But if she is allowed to be active and to indulge at whatever risk her +devoted affection to her husband, depend on it she will be well and +comparatively happy: nor do I see that she runs any great risk. She is +an American; her two servants are the same, and are most devotedly +attached to her: and I give my opinion, both as a physician and a +friend, that she had better go." + +Oh, how I loved the good old man for what he said! and my uncle and aunt +were now contented to yield the point; but my uncle insisted on +defraying all my expenses. + +"They will be trifling," said I; "for I shall not choose to travel as a +lady, but to dress as plainly, travel as cheaply, and attract as little +attention as I can." + +This he approved; but, in case I should want money to purchase services +either for myself or my husband, he insisted on my sewing into my stays +ten bank notes of a hundred pounds each, and I accepted them in case of +emergencies, as I thought I had no right to refuse what might be of +service to my husband. + +"Would I were not an old man!" said my uncle; "then you should not go +alone, Helen." But I convinced him that any English friend would only be +a detriment to me. + +Lord Charles Belmour, on hearing of my design, left London, and the +career of dissipation in which he was ever engaged, to argue with me, +to expostulate with me, to entreat that I would not go, and risk my +precious life, which no man living was worthy to have sacrificed for +him, and then burst into tears of genuine feeling when he bade me adieu, +wishing that "Heaven had made him such a woman;" and, while envying the +husband of a virtuous wife, went back to a new mistress, and renewed his +course of error. + +At length the day of my departure arrived; and plainly attired, I set +off for the port of Great Yarmouth, attended by my two faithful +servants. + +Juan and Alice were both slaves on part of our American property; but +they were born on the estate of a French proprietor, therefore French +was their native tongue, which was a fortunate circumstance. As soon as +my father was their master he made them free, and they became man and +wife. They had lived with my mother ever since. She, as I before said, +had desired they should be made independent for life. It is no wonder, +therefore, the faithful creatures were devoted to the daughter of their +benefactress, and I had the most cheering confidence in the tried +sagacity as well as integrity of both. Their colour, you know, was what +is called mulatto, and their appearance was less distinguished by +ugliness than is usually the case with such persons. + +I thought it necessary to give this little history of two beings whom I +learnt to love even in childhood, and who in the season of my affliction +added to that love the feeling of interminable gratitude. + +Well, behold us landed at Altona, and designated in our passports as +Mrs. Helen Pendarves, and Juan and Alice Duval, Americans. After a +tedious journey in the carts of the country, and sometimes in its +horrible waggons, behold me also arrived in the metropolis of blood, +passports examined and approved, and all my greatest difficulties at an +end. So relieved was my mind, when every thing was arranged and I had +hitherto gotten on so well, that my affectionate companions observed +with delighted wonder, that my cheek glowed and my eyes sparkled once +more: but cautious Juan advised me to hide my face as much as possible, +for there were no such faces in Paris, he believed. + +When however I found myself in Paris, when I knew that the being I +loved best was there, and yet I dared not seek him, sorrow destroyed my +recovered bloom again, and tears dimmed my eyes. Yet still I felt a +strange overpowering satisfaction in knowing that I was near him; and +when we had found out his abode, I thought that I could perhaps contrive +to see him, myself unseen. But I found a letter addressed to me _poste +restante_, which not only dimmed the brightness of my prospects, but +damped much of my enthusiastic ardour in the task which I had +undertaken, and even abated some of my tenderness for Pendarves: for I +could no longer shut my eyes to the nature of his attachment to Annette +Beauvais. + +My uncle told me in his letter that Lord Martindale was returned to +London, but could not stay there, and was on his way to America; that he +had met him in a shop, that on hearing his name, Lord Martindale had the +effrontery to introduce himself and thanked him for having enabled him +so easily to get rid of a mistress of whom he was tired. + +"Indeed," said he, "I am much obliged to the family of Pendarves; for +the uncle forces my mistress to go back to her native place, and the +nephew takes her off my hands, and under his own protection. + +"And I have the honour to assure you, sir," said he, "that if you visit +Paris, and the Rue Rivoli, _numero_ 22, you will there find your nephew +romantically happy with a most fascinating _chere amie_ who had once the +honour of bearing my name." + +"I turned from him," adds my uncle, "with disgust, as you, I hope, will +turn from your unworthy husband, and come back, my dearest niece, to +your affectionate and anxious uncle." + +For one moment I felt inclined to obey his wishes--my husband really +living with an abandoned woman, as her avowed protector! wife, country, +reputation, sacrificed for her sake! + +Horrible and disgusting it was indeed! but I soon recollected, that if +it was really a duty in me to come to Paris for his sake at all, it was +equally a duty now, for his criminality could not destroy his claims on +my duty; nor could his breach of duty excuse the neglect of mine. In +short, whether love or conscience influenced me, I know not, but I +resolved to stay where I was. And so he was in the Rue Rivoli! I was +glad to know where he was, but I did not as before wish to see him, and +even to gaze on him unseen. No: I felt him degraded, and I thought that +I should now turn away if I met him. + +We took a pleasant and retired lodging on the Italian Boulevards; but +I soon found that in this situation we were not likely to learn any +tidings of Pendarves; and by the time we had been ten days at Paris, +Juan and I resolved, having first felt our way, to put a plan which we +had formed into execution. + +It was absolutely necessary that we should have opportunities of knowing +what was going forward in public affairs, in order to learn the degree +of safety or of danger in which Pendarves was; and if Madame Beauvais +had really been a spy in London for the Convention, she must be +connected with the governing persons in Paris. + +Accordingly, we hired a small house which had stood empty some time in a +street through which most of the members of the National Convention were +likely to pass in their way to and fro. The street door opened into a +front parlour, and that into a second parlour: of this with a kitchen +and two chambers consisted the whole of the house. Humble as it was, I +assure you it was on the plan of one which Robespierre occupied in the +zenith of his power. + +The windows of the front parlour Juan converted into a sort of shop +window; and as he and his wife were both good bakers, they filled it +with a variety of cakes, which they called _gateaux républicains_; and +it was not long before, to our great joy, they obtained an excellent +sale for their commodity. This emboldened us to launch out still more; +and in hopes that our shop might become a sort of resting and lounging +place to the men in power as they passed, Juan put a coat of paint on +the outside of the house, converted the parlour into a complete shop, +and at length put a notice over the door in large tricolour letters, +importing that at such hours every day plum and plain pudding _ŕ +l'Américaine_ was to be had _hot_, as well as _gateaux républicains_. + +If this _affiche_ succeeded, there was a chance of Juan's hearing +something relative to the objects of our anxiety from the members of the +Convention, while I myself, hidden behind the glass door of the back +parlour, might also overhear some to me important conversation. At any +rate, it was worth the trial; and experience proved that the scheme was +not as visionary as it at first appeared. + +It was not without considerable emotion that I saw our shop opened, +and business prospering. Never, surely, was there a more curious and +singular situation than mine. Think of me, the daughter of an American +Loyalist, living an unprotected woman in the metropolis of republican +France, and helping to make puddings and cakes for the members of the +National Convention! + +Though I have never paused in my narrative to mention politics, still +you cannot suppose that I was ignorant of what was passing on the great +theatre of the Continent, nor that the names of the chief actors in it +were unknown to me. On the contrary, I often beguiled my lonely hours +with reading the accounts of the proceedings at Paris; had mourned not +only over the fate of the royal family, but had deplored the death of +those highly gifted men, and that great though mistaken woman (Madame +Roland) in whom I fancied that I perceived some of the republican virtue +to which others only pretended; and though far from being a Republican +myself, I could not but respect those who, having adopted a principle +however erroneous, acted upon it consistently. But with Brissot and his +party ended all my interest in the public men of France, though their +names were familiar to me, and aversion and dread were the only feelings +which they excited. + +Therefore, when on the 1st of February, 1794, we opened a shop for +puddings and cakes, and I through the curtain of a glass-door saw it +thronged with customers, some of whom I concluded were regicides and +murderers, my heart died within me. I felt as if I stood in the den of +wild beasts, and I wished myself again in safe and happy England. + +Juan was frequently asked a number of questions by his customers; such +as who he was, and whence he came, and how long he had been there; and +his answer was, that he was born in America, and born a slave, and so +was his little wife, but a good master made him free. + +"Bravo! and _Vive la liberté!_ and you are like us; we were slaves, now +we are free," always shouted the deluded people to whom he thus talked. + +Juan used to go on to say that he had heard his master was in France, +and poor, and so they left America and came to work for him (applauses +again); but that he found he was dead. "And so," said he, "as I liked +Paris, we resolved to stay here, and make nice things for the +republicans in Europe." + +This tale had its effect; Juan was hailed as _bon citoyen_ Duval, and +promised custom and protection. + +"Oh! dear Miss Helen," cried Juan, (as he usually called me) "what +bloody dogs some of them look! No doubt some of them were members of +parliament. _They_ govern a nation indeed, who were such fools as to be +so easily taken in by my story! Psha! I should make a better parliament +man myself." + +At length, we saw some of the distinguished men. + +Juan heard one of the party call two of the others Hébert and Danton; +and he made an excuse to come in and tell me which was which. I looked +at them, and was mortified to find that Danton was so pleasant-looking. + +When they went away, which they did not do till they had eaten largely, +and commended what they ate, a wild, singularly-looking man entered the +shop, in all the dirty and negligent attire of a _sans culotte_, and +desired a plum pudding _ŕ l'Américaine_ to be set before him; declaring +that had it been _ŕ l'Anglaise_ he could not have eaten it, as it would +have tasted of the slavery of that wretched grovelling country England. +When the pudding was served, he talked more than he ate, and made minute +inquiries into the history of Alice and Juan; but when he heard who and +what they were, he ran to them, and insisted on giving each the +fraternal embrace--"for I," said he, "am Anacharsis Cloots! the orator +of the human race; and dear to my heart is the injured being who was +born in servitude. Blessed be the memory of the master who broke your +chains!" + +He then resumed his questions, and, to my great alarm, desired to know +if they lived alone in the house. Juan, off his guard, replied, + +"No; we have a lodger." + +"Indeed! let me see him." + +"Him! 'tis a woman." + +"Better and better still! Let me see her then. Is she young and +handsome?" + +"Hélas! la pauvre femme! elle ne voit personne, elle est malade ŕ la +mort."[7] + +"Eh bien, que je la voye! Je la guérirai moi."[8] + +"Tu! citoyen? Oh non! elle ne se guérira jamais."[9] + +"Mais oui, te dis-je. Oů est-elle? Je veux absolument faire sa +connaissance."[10] + +"C'est impossible. Elle est au lit."[11] + +"Quest-ce que cela fait?"[12] + +"Comment, les femmes chez nous ne reçoivent jamais les visites quand +elles sont au lit."[13] + +"Mais, quelle bętise! au moins dis moi son nom, qui elle est, et tout +cela."[14] + + [Footnote 7: Alas! poor woman! she is sick to death.] + + [Footnote 8: Well, let me see her: I will cure her.] + + [Footnote 9: You! citizen? Oh no! she will never be cured.] + + [Footnote 10: Yes, I tell you. Where is she? I will absolutely make her + acquaintance.] + + [Footnote 11: Impossible. She is in bed.] + + [Footnote 12: What does that signify?] + + [Footnote 13: Our ladies never receive visits in bed.] + + [Footnote 14: What nonsense! But tell me her name and all that.] + +And Juan told him that I was the relation of his benefactor; that I was +in reduced circumstances, having had a bad husband; and that he and his +wife had taken me to live with them, and never would desert me. + +"_O les braves gens!_" exclaimed he.--But what an agony I endured all +this time! Afraid that this mad-headed enthusiast would really insist on +paying me a visit, I ran up stairs, put on my green spectacles which Juan +insisted on my buying (for he really thought me a perfect beauty, and +that all who looked must love); then tied up my face in a handkerchief, +pulled over it a slouch cap, and lay down on the bed, drawing the +curtains round. But Alice came up to tell me the strange man was gone. +He declared, however, that the next time he came he would see _la pauvre +malade_. + +But fortunately we never saw him again, except when he stopped in +company with others, and was too much taken up in laying down the law +for the benefit of the human race, to remember an individual. + +You will not be surprised when I tell you, that slight as was my +knowledge of the persons of Hébert and Anacharsis Cloots, and little as +I had heard of their voices, still the circumstance of having seen their +faces and heard them speak made all the difference between rejoicing at +their deserved fate and regretting it. They were guillotined during the +course of the next month; and I shuddered when I heard they were no +more, catching myself saying, "Poor men!" very frequently during the +rest of the day. + +I could give you some interesting details of many events that now +happened in affecting succession; but they have been painted by abler +hands than mine: I shall only say further concerning our shop-visitors, +that more than once the great Dictator himself took shelter there from a +shower of rain, and ate a _gateau républicain_. When he first came, +Juan, who had seen him often before, sent Alice to tell me who he was; +and I cannot describe the sensation of horror with which he inspired me; +for nature there had made the outside equally ugly with the inside. He +asked many questions of Juan relative to who he was, and whence and why +he came; and I saw his quick and restless eye looking suspiciously +round, as if he feared an unseen dagger on every side: and so watchful +and observant was his glance, that I retreated from the curtain lest he +should see me. I was also terrified to perceive that my poor Juan was +not so much at his ease with _him_, and did not tell his story with so +steady a voice as usual. But perhaps like Louis the XIVth, Robespierre +was flattered with the consciousness of inspiring awe. Juan was, +however, a little relieved by the entrance of Danton, who spoke to him +as an old acquaintance; on which Robespierre turned to Danton and said, +"Then _you know_ these people?" + +"Yes; and their puddings too. Do I not, citizen?" he good naturedly +replied; and soon after, Robespierre and he departed together. + +Certain it is that I breathed more freely after they were gone. + +Not long after this, Danton and Camille des Moulins came together; and +though they spoke very low, Juan heard them talk of _la Citoyenne +Beauvais_, and then they talked of _son bel Américain Anglois_,[15] (so +it was clear they knew who my husband really was,) and they whispered +and laughed. We then heard the name of Colonel Newton, an Englishman by +birth, who had served in foreign armies all his life, and had the +melancholy distinction of being the only British subject who was put to +death by the guillotine. But Juan heard him mentioned by these men, and +soon after we knew he was arrested; for Juan was in the habit of +frequenting the Palais Royal and its gardens in the evening, and other +places of public resort, and there he was sure to hear the news of the +day. At first, he only heard that an Englishman was arrested; and his +emotion was such, that if any one had looked at him it must have been +perceived; but no one noticed him, and presently some one named Colonel +Newton as the conspirator who had been denounced and imprisoned. + + [Footnote 15: Her handsome American Englishman.] + +Was Pendarves acquainted with this unfortunate man? We could not tell; +but certain it was, that the awful lips which mentioned the one had +named the other. + +In another month Danton and Camille des Moulins were no more! and fell +with many others who were obnoxious to the tyrant; and again I wished +that I had not seen or heard them. + +As I never went out till it was quite dark, the great seclusion in which +I lived injured my health. Since the death of Hébert, indeed, I was not +so cautious, as I could wear a hat; but while he lived, he had decreed +that every head-dress was _aristocrat_, except the peasants' cap. + +Juan went therefore to find a lodging for me for a week or two near or +in the Champs Elysées, and in so retired a spot, that with my green +spectacles, and otherwise a little disguised, my guardian declared he +allowed me to walk even in a morning. + +Alice accompanied me, and Juan promised to come and tell us every +evening what was going forward. During my abode in this pretty place +Juan arrived one evening a good deal agitated, and I found that he had +seen Pendarves. + +"Did he see you?" + +"Oh! no: he saw no one but--" + +"His companion, I suppose?--Was Madame Beauvais with him?" + +"She was, and her little dog; and the beast would not come at her call; +and then she was uneasy, and so he took up the nasty animal and carried +it in his arm. I could have wrung its neck." + +"It is a nice clean animal," replied I, trying to speak cheerfully. "But +how did he look, Juan?" + +"Well, madam--_too_ well!" said the faithful creature, turning away in +agony to think he could look well under his circumstances. + +"You see he is not yet arrested," said I; "and for that I am thankful." + +One night, the night before we were to return to our house, Juan +disappointed us and did not come at all. You, who have always lived in +dear and quiet Britain, cannot form to yourself an idea of the agitation +into which this little circumstance threw us. We could not fancy he was +ill: that was too common-place and too natural a circumstance to occur +to the heated imaginations of women accustomed as we were to tales +of terror and blood; and we thought no less than that he had been +suspected, denounced, arrested, and would be _jugé ŕ mort_. What a night +of misery was ours! Early in the morning, however, Alice set off for +Paris, conjuring me on her knees not to come with her, as Juan thought +it unsafe for me to walk in the street unprotected; and promising to +come back directly if any thing alarming had happened. I therefore +allowed her to depart without me; but though her not returning was +a proof that all was right, according to our agreement, I was half +distracted when hour succeeded to hour and she did not return; till, at +last, unable to bear my suspense any longer, I set off for Paris, and +reached the Place de la Revolution (as it was then called) just as an +immense crowd was thronging from all parts and around me, to a spot +already filled with an incalculable number of persons. In one instant I +recollected that what I beheld in the midst must be the guillotine, and +I tried to turn back, but it was impossible. I was hurried forward with +the exulting multitude; and just as the horrible snap of the murderous +engine met my now tingling ears, I heard from the shouts of the mob, +that the victim was the Princess Elizabeth!!!--Self-preservation +instinctively prompted me to catch hold of the person next me to save +myself from falling, which would have been instant death; and the aid I +sought was yielded to me: and while a noise of thunder was in my ears, +and my eyes were utterly blinded with horror and agonizing emotion, a +kind but unknown voice said in French, "Poor child! I see you are indeed +a stranger here. We natives are used to these sights now;" and he +sighed, as if use had not however entirely blunted his feelings. + +"But why did you come to see such a sight?" + +"Oh! I knew nothing of it, and was going home." + +"Poor thing! Well; but shall I see you home--if you can walk?" + +I now looked up, and saw that my kind friend was only a lowly citizen, +and wore a Jacobin cap; and I was still shrinking from allowing of his +further attendance, though I trembled in every limb, and felt sick +unto death: when, as the crowd dispersed, I saw Juan and Alice coming +towards me; in another moment I was in her arms, where I nearly fainted +away. + +"This is unfortunate," said the _citoyen_; "her illness may be observed +upon, as it was a Bourbon who died, and she may be fancied no friend to +the republic. What is best to be done?" + +While he said this I recovered, and begged to go home directly; but I +could not walk without the aid of my Jacobin friend; who insisted on +seeing me safe home, and we thought it the best way to consent. + +On our way, the _citoyen_ exclaimed, "_O mon Dieu! le voilŕ +lui-męme!_"[16] and we saw the dreaded Robespierre hastily approaching +us. He desired to know what was the matter with that woman; and neither +Juan nor Alice had recollection enough to reply; but our friend did +instantly, taking off his cap as he spoke: "The poor woman, _citoyen_, +was nearly crushed in the crowd, and but for me would have been trodden +to death. Only see how she trembles still! She has not been able to +speak a word yet." + + [Footnote 16: Oh! there he is himself.] + +"Oh! that is the case, is it?" said he, surveying me with a most +scrutinizing glance. "It is well for her I find her in such good +company, Benoit." + +He then departed, and we recovered our recollection. + +He was no sooner gone, than, to my great surprise, I saw Juan seize our +companion's hand, while he exclaimed, "You! are you Benoit?" + +"To be sure; what then?" + +"Why then, you God for ever bless that's all! For many poor wretch +bless you; and now, but for you, what might have become of her?" + +"How!" cried Alice; "is this the kind jailor of Luxembourg? Oh dear! how +glad I am to see you?" + +It was indeed Benoit; who, at a period when to be cruel seemed the only +means to be safe, lightened the fetters which he could not remove, and +soothed to the best of his power the horrors of a prison and of death. + +A feeling which he could not help, but certainly not one of joyful +anticipation, led him to witness the death of the royal victim; and my +evident horror instantly interested and attached him to my side. This +good man attended us home, and we had great pleasure in setting before +him our little stores: but he could not eat then, he said; and as he +spoke, he sighed deeply. However, he assured us he would come and eat +with us some other day: then desiring us to take heed and not go to see +sights again, he ran off, saying he had been absent too long. + +What a mercy it was that Benoit was with us when we met the tyrant! We +also rejoiced that he did not see or did not recognise Juan and Alice: +but after this unfortunate rencontre we did not feel ourselves as safe +as we did before, and dreaded every day to see him enter the shop. + +I now desired to know the reason of Juan's not coming to us, and I found +that his too great care had exposed me to even a far worse agony than +that from which he wished to preserve me. The truth was, he heard that +poor Madame Elizabeth was to be executed the next day: fearing, +therefore, that he should be betrayed into saying so, and wishing me +not to know of it till all was over, as he knew how interested I was in +her fate, he resolved to stay away, not supposing we should be alarmed; +and he and Alice could not return to me sooner, as the way led over the +very spot which they wished to avoid. Besides, Alice had told me her not +returning was a good sign. Well! this agony was past; but I had seen and +met the suspicious eye of the tyrant, and it haunted me wherever I went. +For my own life, indeed, I had no fear; and imprisonment, I thought, was +all I had to dread, though poor Juan insisted on it that the wretch +saw, spite of my dowdy appearance, that I was a handsome woman; and +he thanked Heaven at the close of every day, that no Robespierre had +visited us. Another evening Juan returned in much agitation from +his walk, but I saw it was of an opposite nature to that which he +experienced at sight of Pendarves; and on inquiry I found that he had, +as he said, met that good young man, Count De Walden. + +"Indeed!" exclaimed I; "and did he see you? and does he know I am in +Paris?" + +"No, he did not see me; and without your leave, I dared not tell you +were here: so I thought it best not to speak to him." + +I felt excessively disappointed; but after some moments of reflection I +recollected that it would be cruel and selfish to force myself, in a +situation so interesting and so anxious, on one who on principle had so +recently left the place in which I was; and I told Juan he had done +quite right. + +"However," said I, "it is a comfort to me to know that I have a +protector near." + +"Aye; but not for long!" + +"No! But what could bring a man like him to this den of wickedness and +horrors? Some good purpose no doubt." + +"I suspect so; for I saw him in close conversation with Barrčre and +others, and I overheard him say, 'But can you give me no hope? I want +excessively to return home: still, while there is a chance of Colonel +Newton's being saved, I will stay.' Barrčre, I believe, said all hope +was over; for the Count cast up his eyes mournfully to heaven, and +retired." + +Till I heard this, I was inclined to suspect that my uncle had written +to say I was here, and that he came on my account. + +I shall now relate the motive of his journey: the object of it was +connected with the fate of my husband. + +A man of the name of Beauvais was executed with Danton and other +supposed conspirators in the preceding April. This man was the father of +Annette Beauvais; and she would have been denounced and executed with +her father, had not one of Robespierre's tools become exceedingly +enamoured of her, and for his sake she was spared. But Colonel Newton +having been known to be rather intimate with Beauvais, and having also +dared, like a free-born Englishman and a man of independent feelings, to +reproach the tyrant with his cruelty, he was accused, imprisoned, and +condemned to death. It was on his account that De Walden came to Paris. +By some means or other Newton informed him of his situation; and as he +had known him in Switzerland, and greatly esteemed him, he hastened to +try whether by solicitation, interest, or money, he could procure his +acquittal or escape: but he tried in vain. As vain also were the efforts +made,--to do her justice,--by Madame Beauvais herself. The wretch to +whom she applied was made jealous of Newton by her earnest entreaties +for his life; and his doom was consequently rendered only more certain. +He also tauntingly bade her take care of her own life and that of her +American Englishman, assuring her she would not find it an easy matter +to do that long. Nor did he threaten in vain; for, though she admitted +his addresses and received his splendid presents, she still persisted in +living with the infatuated Pendarves, who believed her constancy equal +to her pretended love. The consequence was, that an accusation was +brought against my husband for getting to Paris on false pretences, and +as being a dangerous person: for, though he was born in America, his +father was a loyalist, not a republican, and had fought, they found, +against the republican arms; and his mother was that offensive thing a +woman of quality and a nobleman's daughter. There were other charges +equally strong; and even in the presence of his vile companion, +Pendarves was arrested, and condemned for the present to be confined +_au secret_ in the Luxembourg. + +He bore his fate with calmness; for he expected that she who had caused +his imprisonment would be eager to share and to enliven it: but that +was beyond the heroism of a mistress. She was not willing to prefer to +fine apartments and liberty, love and a prison with him; but while he, +agonized at her desertion,--for she bade him a cold and final +farewell,--was borne away into confinement, she was led away smiling and +in triumph by her now avowed protector. + +All these circumstances I did not know at first--I only knew the result; +which was imparted to me by the trembling Juan, who had seen Pendarves +led away, had seen her farewell, and had vainly tried to make himself +observed by him, that he might know he had a friend at hand. + +"A friend!" cried I with a flushed cheek, but with a trembling frame: +"he shall know that he has the best of friends, a wife, near him!" and +instantly, taking no precaution to conceal my person in any way, for I +thought not of myself, I hastened rapidly along, Juan with difficulty +keeping pace with me, till I reached the Luxembourg. + +"Whom do you want?" said a churlish man on duty. + +"Seymour Pendarves." + +"You can't see him: he is _au secret_." + +"Oh! but I must! Do let me speak to the _Citoyen_ Benoit, and ask him to +let me enter." + +"You are very earnest; and perhaps he will let you. + +"Who shall I say wants to be admitted to this Pendarves?" + +"His wife." + +"His wife! Well," added he respectfully, "wives should not be kept from +their husbands when they seek them in their distress." + +He then went in search of Benoit, who appeared with his keys of office. + +"_Citoyen_," said he, "here is a wife wants to see her husband." + +"I fear she is an aristocrat, then," replied Benoit, smiling and +approaching us. + +"Ha!" cried he, "is it you? What is become of your spectacles? And do +you want to see your husband, poor thing? Who is he?" + +I told him. He shook his head, saying to himself--"Who could have +supposed he had a wife, and such a one too!" + +"_Citoyenne_," said he, "you cannot see your husband to-night, nor shall +he know you are here; but to-morrow, at nine in the morning, I will +admit you. Yes, and for your sake I will show him all the indulgence I +can. So it was for this, was it, you came to Paris? I thought there was +a mystery. Good girl! good girl!" + +So saying, he walked hastily away, and we returned to our home, at once +disappointed and cheered. + +Oh! how I longed for the light of morning! Oh! how I longed to exhibit +the superiority of the wife over the mistress! With what pleasure I +anticipated the joy, mixed with shame and sorrow, no doubt, but still +triumphant over every other feeling with which Pendarves would behold +and receive me! How he would value this proof of tenderness and duty! +while I should fondly assure him that all was forgotten and all +forgiven!--So did I paint the scene to which I was hastening. Such +were the hopes which flushed my cheek and irradiated my countenance. + +At length the appointed hour drew near; and I had just reached the gates +of the Luxembourg, had just desired to be shown to Benoit, when I looked +up and beheld De Walden! + +"You here!" cried he, turning pale as death. "O Helen! dear rash friend! +why are you in Paris? Speak." + +Here he paused, trembling with emotion. I was little less affected; but, +making a great effort, I faltered out, "My husband is prisoner here, and +I am going to him." + +De Walden clasped his hands together and was silent; but his look +declared the agony of his mind. + +Benoit now came to conduct me in; and De Walden, taking Juan's arm, led +him apart. + +"Have you told him I am here?" said I, turning very faint, alarmed now +the moment was come which I had so delightedly anticipated. + +"No: I have told him nothing." + +He now put the key into a door at the bottom of a long, narrow, dark +passage, and it turned on its heavy and grating hinges. + +"Some one desires to see you," said Benoit gruffly, to hide his kind +emotion; and I stood before my long estranged husband. But where was the +look of gladness? where the tone of welcome, though it might be mingled +with that of less pleasant sensations? He started, turned pale, pressed +forward to meet me; but then exclaiming in a faltering voice, "Is it +you, Helen? Rash girl! why do I see you here?" he sunk upon his +miserable bed, and hid his face from me. I stood, pale, motionless, and +silent as a statue. Was this the scene which I had painted to myself? +True, I should have been shocked, if he had approached me with extended +arms, and as if he felt that I had nothing to forget: yet I did expect +that his eye would lighten up with joyful surprise, and his quivering +lip betray the tenderness which he would but dared not express. However, +for the first time in my life, indignation and a sense of injury were +stronger than my fond woman's feeling; and I seated myself in silence on +the only chair in the room, with my proud heart swelling as if it would +burst its bounds and give me ease for ever. + +"Helen!" said he at length in a subdued and dejected tone, "your +presence here distracts me. This scene, this city, are no places for +you; and oh! how unworthy am I of this exertion of love! What! must a +wretch like me expose to danger such an exalted creature as this is?" + +These flattering words, though uttered from the head more than from the +heart, were a sort of balm to my wounded feelings; but I coldly replied, +"That in coming to Paris, in order to be on the spot if any danger +happened to him, I had only done what I considered as the duty of a +wife; and that now my earnest wish was to be allowed to spend part, +if not the whole of every day with him in prison, as his friend and +soother." + +"Impossible! impossible!" he exclaimed, becoming much agitated. + +"Why so? Benoit is disposed to be my friend." + +"No matter; but tell me who is with you in this nest of villains?" + +I told him, and he thanked God audibly. I then entreated to know +something concerning his arrest, its cause, and what the consequences +were likely to be. + +"Spare me!" cried he, "spare me! It is most painful to a man to blush +with shame in the presence of his wife. Helen! kind, good Helen! I know +you meant to sooth and serve me; but you have humbled me to the dust, +and my spirit sinks before you! Go and leave me to perish. In my very +best days I was wholly unworthy of you; but now--" + +He was right; and my parading kindness, my intruding virtue were +offensive. I had humbled him: I had obliged him too much: I had towered +over him in the superiority of my character; and instead of attaching, I +had alienated him. This was human nature--I saw it, I owned it now, but +I was not prepared for it, and it overwhelmed me with despair. Still, it +softened my heart in his favour; for, if I had to forgive his errors, he +had to forgive my officious exhibition of romantic duty. I now at his +request told him all my plans, and every thing that had passed since I +came, not omitting to tell him that I had seen De Walden. Nor was I +sorry to remark, that at his name he started and changed colour. + +"He here! Then you are sure of a protector," said he, "and I feel +easier. But, Helen! you are too young, too lovely to expose yourself to +the gaze of the men in power. I protest that you are at this moment as +beautiful as ever, Helen!" + +"It is from the temporary embellishment of strong emotion only," replied +I, pleased by this compliment from him. I then turned the discourse to +the opportunity our shop gave us of hearing conversations; and I also +promised to bring him some of our commodities. He tried to smile, but +could not, and I saw that my presence evidently distressed instead +of soothing him. Benoit now came to say I must stay no longer, and +disappeared again; while, a prey to most miserable feelings, I rose to +depart. + +"I shall come again to-morrow," said I; "shall I not?" + +"If you insist upon it, you shall; but, you had better leave me, Helen, +to perish, and forget me!" + +"Forget you! Cruel Seymour!" cried I, bursting into an agony of tears. + +He now approached me, and, sinking on one knee, took my hand and kissed +it: then held it to his heart. A number of feelings now contended in my +bosom, but affection was predominant; and as he knelt before me I threw +my arms round his neck, mingling my tears with his, "_Mais vite donc, +citoyenne--dépęches tu!_"[17] said Benoit, just unclosing the door, and +speaking outside it. Pendarves rose, and led me to him; and scarcely +knowing whether pain or satisfaction predominated, I reached the gate, +Benoit kindly assuring me I might command his services to the utmost. + + [Footnote 17: Quick, make haste, female citizen!] + +I found De Walden still talking with Juan. They both seemed to regard +me with very scrutinizing as well as sympathizing looks; and I still +trembled so much that I was glad to accept the support of De Walden's +arm. He attended me home; but we neither of us spoke during the walk. +When I reached the door, I said, "Come to me to breakfast to-morrow; +for to-day I am wholly unfitted for company." He sighed, bowed, and +departed; but not without assuring me that he would enquire concerning +the causes of my husband's arrest, and try to get him set at liberty. + +"Well," cried Juan, "I have one comfort more than I had; Count De Walden +has declared that while you remain in Paris he will." And I also felt +comforted by this assurance. + +I now retired to my own room, and, throwing myself on the bed, entered +upon that severe task self-examination; and I learnt to doubt whether +my expedition to France were as truly and singly the result of pure +and genuine tenderness, and a sense of duty, as I had supposed it was. +For what had I done? I had certainly shone in the eyes of many at the +expense of my husband. I had, as he said, "humbled him in his own eyes," +and I had chosen to run risks for his sake, which he could not approve, +and after all might not be the better for. In such reflections as these +I passed that long and miserable day; aye, and in some worse still; +for I felt that Pendarves no longer loved me--that he esteemed, he +respected, he admired me; but that his tenderness was gone, and gone +too, probably, for ever! + +I had however one pleasant idea to dwell upon. Deputies, if not an +ambassador, were now expected from America, and De Walden had told Juan +he should claim their protection for us. + +The next morning De Walden came; but his brow was clouded, his manner +embarrassed, and the tone of his voice mournful. + +"Have you made the inquiries which you promised?" + +"I have; and they have not been answered satisfactorily. My dear friend, +there are subjects which nothing but the emergencies of the case could +justify me to discuss with you. Will you therefore pardon me if I say--" + +"Say any thing: at a moment like this it is my duty not to shrink from +the truth. I guess what you mean." + +He then told me the cause of my husband's arrest, which I have already +mentioned; adding that the ostensible causes were so trifling, that they +could probably be easily gotten over; but that the true cause, jealousy, +was, he feared, not likely to be removed. + +"But she left him," cried I, "left him as if for ever, and accompanied +her new lover in triumph!" + +"Yes: but I fear that he will not get quit of her so soon." + +My only answer to this unwelcome truth was a deep sigh; and for some +minutes I was unable to speak, while De Walden anxiously walked up and +down the room. + +"Perhaps you would go and see Pendarves?" + +"No: excuse me: an interview between me and him must be painful, and +could not be beneficial. The letter I had from him to inform me of a +certain mournful event was cold; and though I answered it kindly,--for I +thought of you when I wrote,--I was convinced that the less we met again +the better." + +"Then what can you do?" + +"I know not--I could not save my friend, you know." + +"If money can do it, I possess the means." + +"And so do I; but Robespierre is inaccessible to bribes, and so I have +found his creatures. I fear that I must seek Madame Beauvais herself." + +"But she probably hates you?" + +"True: but she does not hate Pendarves; and if I convince her that her +only chance of liberating him is by seeming to have ceased to love him, +the business may be done." + +"And must he owe his liberty, and perhaps his life, to her? But be it +so, if he can be preserved no other way--in that case I would even be a +suitor to her myself." + +"That I could not bear. But oh! dear inconsiderate friend, why did you +come hither?" + +"Because I thought it my duty." + +"And do you still think so?" + +I was silent. + +"Answer me: candid and generous Helen: do you not now see that it +was more your duty to stay in your own safe country, protected by +respectable friends, than to come hither courting danger, and the worst +of dangers to a virtuous wife? Believe me, the passive virtue of painful +but quiet endurance of injury was the virtue for you to practise. This +quixotic daring looked like duty; but was not duty, Helen, and could +only end in disappointment: for tell me, have you not found that you +have thus suffered and thus dared for an ingrate?" + +My silence answered the question. + +"Enough!" resumed De Walden; "and I feel that I have been cruel; but +mine has been the reproof of friendship, wrung from me by the indignant +agony of knowing that even I cannot perhaps protect you from the insults +which I dread. Oh! why did they let you come hither? I am sure your mind +was not itself when you thought of it." + +"You are right. The idea had taken hold of my imagination then +unnaturally raised, and come I would. But my physician approved my +coming; for he thought it safer for me, and thought, if I was not +indulged, that my reason, if not my life, might suffer." + +This statement completely overset De Walden's self-command; he blamed +himself for what he had said--accused himself of cruelty--extolled the +patient sweetness with which I had heard him, and had condescended to +justify myself. Then, striking his forehead, he exclaimed, "And I, alas! +am powerless to save a being like this! But save her, THOU," he added, +lifting his clasped hands to heaven. + +The hour of my appointment at the prison now arrived again, and De +Walden accompanied me thither. I did not see Benoit; but I was admitted +directly, and my conductor, opening the door, said, "A female citizen +desires to see you." + +"Indeed!" said Pendarves in a tone of joy; but he started, and looked +disappointed, when he saw me. + +"Is it you, Helen?" said he. + +"Did you expect it was any one else?" + +"Not much," he replied, evidently disconcerted; "not much. It is only a +primitive old-fashioned wife like yourself who would follow an unworthy +husband to a prison." + +"And to a scaffold, if necessary," cried I with energy. + +"Helen!" said Pendarves in a deep but caustic tone, "spare me! spare me! +This excess of goodness--" + +I smiled; but I believe my smile was as bitter as his accents. + +What meetings were these between persons circumstanced as we once were +and were now! But it could not be otherwise, and all I now suffered I +had brought upon myself. In order to change the tone of our feelings, I +told him De Walden had breakfasted with me, and then asked him if he +would not like to see Juan. + +He said "Yes," but carelessly, and then added, "So De Walden has been +with you?" and fell into a mournful reverie till our uncomfortable +interview was over. + +I promised to send him by Juan all he wanted and desired, of linen, +clothes, and food; for Benoit had assured me he would allow him to +receive any thing for the sake of his good wife. He thanked me, shook +my hand kindly, and saw me depart, as I thought with pleasure. + +I found De Walden waiting for me with Juan. The latter by my desire +asked for Benoit, and begged to know of him at what hour that day or +evening he might be admitted to his master. Accordingly he went, +carrying with him the articles I mentioned. He was gone some time; and +anxious indeed was I for his return. + +"I have seen her," said he. + +"Seen whom?" + +"That vile woman." + +"Was she with him?" cried I, turning very faint. + +"No, no: let the good Benoit alone for that. She desired to see the +Citoyen Pendarves, her husband;" on which Benoit scornfully answered, +"One wife is enough for any man: I allow him to see one of his every +day, but no more; so go away, and do not return again." + +"What!" exclaimed the creature, in great agitation, "is she, is Helen +Pendarves in Paris?" + +"Yes; _she_, the _true_ she,--the good wife is here; and _she_ alone +will Benoit admit to his prisoner. _Va-t en, te dis-je!_" + +"And the creature went away," added Juan; "for I saw and heard it all, +giving him such a look!" + +I could not help being pleased with this account; but I sent him +immediately to tell De Walden what had passed, that he might lose no +time in seeking La Beauvais, to prevent her going to the prison, and +thereby increasing the danger of Pendarves.--When Juan returned, I +asked for a minute detail of all that passed between my husband and +him. + +"Oh! he is very wretched!" he replied: "but he told me nothing +concerning himself; he only walked up and down the narrow room, asking +me nothing but about you, and why they let you come, and if De Walden +came on purpose to guard you. In short, we talked of nothing else; and +then he did so wish you safe back in your own country!" + +This account gave me sincere pleasure, and made me believe that +Seymour's heart was not so much alienated from me as I expected; and a +weight seemed suddenly taken from my mind. The next day I went again at +noon, and I found La Beauvais in high dispute with Benoit. As soon as he +saw me, he saw that I recognised her, and that my countenance bore the +hue of death, he caught my hand, saying, "_Vite! vite! entre donc:_ +BELLE _et_ BONNE! _et toi, va-t en tout de suite!_"[18] + + [Footnote 18: Quick! quick! enter: fair and good! but you, go away + directly!] + +La Beauvais, provoked and disappointed, seized my arm. "Madame +Pendarves," she cried, "the same interest brings us hither: use your +influence over this barbarian to procure me admittance." + +"The same interest!" I replied, turning round, throwing her hand from my +arm, and looking at her with all the scorn and abhorrence which I felt: +"_Madame, je ne vous connois pas._"[19] + + [Footnote 19: Madam! I do not know you.] + +"It is well," she said. "Depend on it, I shall refresh your memory; and +soon too. I will be revenged, though my own heart bleeds for it." + +She then hastened away; and I, feeling the rash folly I had committed, +and fearing I had irreparably injured my husband's cause, was forced to +let the kind jailor conduct me to his own apartment, in order that I +might recover myself before I went to Pendarves. I found him more +cheerful, and also more affectionate in his manner towards me. He had +been reading a letter, which he hastily put into his pocket; yet not so +soon but that my quick eye discovered in the address the hand of La +Beauvais. It was this renewal of intercourse, then, that had made him +cheerful! But why then was he more affectionate to me? I have since +resolved that question to my satisfaction. + +No one likes to give up any power once possessed. Pendarves had +flattered himself La Beauvais fondly loved him; and his bitter grief +at her apparent desertion of him, arose from wounded pride, and the fear +of having lost his power over her, more than from pining affection. +But she had written to him; she was trying to gain admittance to his +prison:--his wounded vanity therefore was at rest on one point, and the +sight of me was grateful because it ministered to it in another. + +But I did not, could not reason then: I only felt; and what with +jealousy, and what with my fears for his life, now, I thought, +endangered by me, I was ill and evidently wretched the whole time I +staid. But Seymour's manner to me was most soothing, and even tender. At +that moment I could better have borne indifference from him; for I was +conscious that I had weakly given way to the feelings of an injured +jealous woman, and had thereby probably given the seal to his fate! + +Glad was I when the jailor summoned me; for I was anxious to tell De +Walden the folly which I had committed; and I saw that Seymour was hurt +at the cold and hurried manner in which I bade him farewell. + +When I saw De Walden, he told me that he had called in vain on La +Beauvais hitherto; but would try again and again. On hearing what had +passed between us he became alarmed, but declared that he could not have +forgiven me if I had spoken or acted otherwise. That day some of the +tyrant's creatures were in our shop, and one of them desired to see the +other shop-woman, declaring Alice was not pretty enough to wait on them; +and that they were resolved the next time they came to see _la belle +Angloise_.--But every other fear was soon swallowed up in one. + +Juan overheard that night in the Thuilleries gardens, that the +Englishman Pendarves would be brought before the tribunal the day after +the next, and there was no doubt of his being executed with several +others directly!!! + +The moment, the dreaded moment was now indeed at hand, and how was it +to be averted? De Walden heard this intelligence also, and came to me +immediately. But all hope seemed vain, because he was to be condemned to +satisfy private wishes, and not because any public wrong could be proved +against him; and he left me in utter despair. But he also left me to +reflect; and the result was a determination to act resolutely and +immediately, and to risk the event. Suffice, that I called my faithful +servants into my room, reminded them of that fidelity and obedience to +me which they had vowed to my poor mother on her death-bed, and told +them the hour for them to prove their attachment and fulfil their vow +was now arrived. This solemn adjuration was answered by as solemn +assurances to obey me in whatever I required of them. I first required +that they should keep all I was now going to say, and all they or I were +going to do, profoundly secret from De Walden. I saw Juan recoil at +this; but I was firm, and he swore himself to secrecy. I then unfolded +to them my scheme, and had to encounter tears, entreaties urged on +bended knee, that I would give up my rash design, and consider myself. +But they might as well have talked to the winds. "I feel," said I, "by +the suddenness of this proceeding, that my treatment of La Beauvais has +done this, and it is my duty, at all risks to myself, to save my husband +from the death to which I have hurried him." The faithful creatures were +silenced, but not convinced. Still, finding they could not prevent my +purpose, and that I declared I would cry "_Vive le Roi_," that I might +die with my husband, they prepared in mournful obedience to consult with +me on the best means of accomplishing my wishes. + +My plan was this: I resolved to ask permission to take a last farewell +of Pendarves at night, after I had seen him in the morning, and then +change clothes with him, and remain in his stead. + +"And as Benoit was ill in bed this evening, when you went," said I, +"there is no likelihood that he will be well to-morrow; so my plan +cannot injure him. Therefore, let us be prepared to execute what I have +designed, directly." + +"Well! my comfort is," said Juan, "that my master will not consent to +risk your life to save his." + +"Not willingly; but I shall force him to do it." + +"Well! we shall see." + +You may remember how I used to regret my great height, because Pendarves +did not admire tall women; but now how I valued it, as it made it more +easy for Pendarves to pass for me, and therefore might aid my efforts to +save his life! + +We agreed that Alice and Juan should be in waiting with a covered +peasant's cart, at the end of the Luxembourg gardens; that then he +should drive him and her to our lodging in the Champs Elisées, which we +had again hired, where he was to pass for me, and still hide his face as +if in great affliction. The house was kept by a deaf, stupid old woman, +who was not likely to suspect any thing. And at day-break, Pendarves in +a peasant's dress, with Alice by his side, dressed like a peasant also, +with her hood over her face, was to drive on day and night when he had +passed the barrier, which we hoped it would be easy to do, till some +place of safe retreat offered itself on the road. And I knew that on +this road was the _chateau_ of a gentleman whom we had known and had +done kindnesses for in England, who had contrived like some others to +take no part in politics, and had retained his house and his land. + +All was procured and ready as I desired; and, having written down my +scheme for my husband, conjuring him to grant my request, I went to the +prison in the morning with a beating heart, lest Benoit should be well +enough to be at his post. But he was not only unwell; he was dismissed +from his office. The _bon Benoit_, as he was called, was too good for +his situation.[20] + + [Footnote 20: An historical fact.] + +Seymour beheld with wonder, and no small alarm, my cheek, now flushed, +now pale, my tremulous voice, and my abstracted manner; and I once more +saw in him that affectionate interest and anxiety so dear to my heart. + +"You are ill, my beloved," said he at length. + +"Beloved!" How the word thrilled through my heart! I never expected to +hear it again from his lips; and the sound overcame me. "I shall be +better soon," cried I, bursting into tears. + +The surly jailor (Oh! how unlike Benoit!) who had taken his place, now +summoned me away, and I slided my letter into my husband's hands. "Read +it," said I, "and know that your doom is fixed for to-morrow; therefore +I conjure you by our past loves to grant the request which this letter +contains; and if you think I have deserved kindness from you, comply +with my wishes." + +Seymour, who had heard nothing of his approaching fate, took the letter, +and listened to me with a bewildered air; and I hastened from the +prison. I had easily obtained permission to return to the prison at +night. + +"It will be the last time. You will never come again," said the brutal +gaoler: "your husband will never come back when he goes to the tribunal +to-morrow, so come and welcome!" + +I spent the intervening time in writing a letter to De Walden, inclosing +one for my uncle, which I begged him to forward; and I arranged every +thing as if death awaited me. Nay, how could I be assured that it did +not? but I kept all my fears to myself and talked of hope alone to my +poor servants, who wandered about, the pictures of grief. + +When De Walden called that day I would not see him, but lay down on +purpose to avoid him; for I dreaded to meet his penetrating glance. + +As it was now the middle of July, days were shortening, and by eight +o'clock twilight was gathering fast. My appointment was for half-past +seven; and by a bribe I obtained leave from Benoit's unworthy successor +to stay till half-past eight. + +Then, summoning all my fortitude, I entered the cell of my husband. I +shall pass over the first moments of our meeting; but I shall never +forget them, and I am soothed and comforted when I recollect all that +escaped from that affectionate and generous, though misguided being. +Suffice, that all his arguments were vain to persuade me that he was not +worthy to be saved, at even the smallest risk to a life so precious as +mine. + +"My life precious!" cried I: "a being without any near and dear ties! +with neither parent, child, nor husband, I may _now_ say," cried I, +thrown off my guard by the consciousness of a desolate heart. + +"I have deserved this reproach," said Seymour; "you have indeed no +husband, therefore why should not I die? as, were I gone, Helen, I feel, +I know, that you would be no longer desolate!" + +I understood his meaning, but did not notice it. Bitter was now the +anguish which I felt; nay, so violent was my distress, and so earnest +my entreaties that he would escape, as the idea that he refused me in +consequence of what I had just said, would, if he perished, drive me, I +was convinced, to complete distraction, that he at last consented to my +request. + +"But, take notice," said he, "that I do it with this assurance, that, if +my escape puts you in peril, I will return and suffer for or with you; +and then you shall again find that you have a husband, Helen, and our +union shall be renewed in death, and cemented in our blood.--I say no +more. You command, and it is my duty to obey." + +He then took off his _robe de chambre_ which he wore in prison; and I +dressed him in the loose gown I had made up for the occasion, and long +enough to hide his feet; and even when he had my bonnet on, I had the +satisfaction of seeing that he did not look much taller than I did. I +now wrapt his robe tight round me, put all my hair under his night-cap +and with my handkerchief at my eyes awaited the gaoler's summons; while +Pendarves dropped the veil, and covered his face with his handkerchief +as if in grief. But the anxious heavings of my bosom and the mournful +ones of his were only too real. Every thing favoured us; the wind was +high, and, by blowing the door to, blew out the lamp which the gaoler +held: therefore the only light was from a dim lamp in the passage. At +the door stood the trembling Juan. + +"There, take care of her; for she totters as if she was drunk," said the +gaoler; "I warrant you she will never come again." + +In five minutes more Seymour was in the cart, and very shortly after he +reached our cottage in safety, and was, as me, lying in my bed in the +Champs Elisées. I, meanwhile, went to bed, and made no answer, but by +groans to the "Good night" and brutal consolations of the gaoler, when +he came to lock me up, without the smallest suspicion who I was. But +when I heard myself actually locked up for the night, I threw myself on +my knees in a transport of devout gratitude. + +The next morning I rose after short and troubled rest, seating myself +with my back to the door, that I might remain undiscovered as long as I +could, in order to give my husband more time to get away. But I could no +longer retard the awful moment; for my gaoler came to summon me before +the tribunal. + +"I am quite ready!" said I, turning slowly round. I leave you to imagine +his surprise, his indignation, his execrations, and his abuse. I forgave +him, for the poor wretch feared for his place, if not for his life. + +"Yes: you shall go before the tribunal," said he, seizing me with savage +fury. "But no, I must first send after your rascally husband." + +He then locked me in; and I saw no more of him for two hours, when I +heard a great noise in the passage, down which my cell when open looked, +and presently the door was unlocked by the gaoler himself, who exclaimed +with a malignant smile, "Your husband is taken, and brought back! Look +out, and you will see him!" + +I _did_ look out, I did see him, unseen by him at first, and I saw him +walking up the passage with La Beauvais weeping on his arm, and one of +hers thrown across his shoulder. + +An involuntary exclamation escaped me; and I retreated back into the +cell. I have since heard that Henroit and his guards, De Walden and +Juan, were in the passage; but I only saw my husband and La Beauvais; +and leaning against the wall I hid my face in my hands, oppressed with a +thousand contending and bewildering sensations. + +"There!" said the vindictive gaoler, ushering in Pendarves, as if he +felt how painful a _tęte-ŕ-tęte_ between us now would be; "there, +citizen! I shall shut you up with your wife, till I know what is to be +done with her. But perhaps you would like the other _citoyenne_ better?" + +"Peace!" cried Pendarves, "and leave us alone!" + +"Helen!" said my husband. + +"Mr. Pendarves!" + +"I see how it is, Helen; nor can I blame you: appearances were against +me. But I must and will assure you, that that person's appearing at such +a time, and her behaviour, were as unexpected as they were unwelcome." + +Still I spoke not: no, not even to inquire why I had the misery of +seeing him return; and ere I had broken this painful but only too +natural silence, and had only just resumed my woman's gown, the door was +again thrown open, and an officer of the National Convention came to +say, that I was allowed to return home for the present, till further +proceedings were resolved upon. + +"Take notice, sir," said Pendarves, "that this lady's only fault has +been too great a regard for an unworthy husband; and that what you may +deem a crime, the rest of Europe will call a virtue." + +The officer smiled; and wishing my husband good night, I followed where +he led. + +At the gate I found De Walden, who accompanied me home, having first +been assured by the officer that I should be under surveillance. + +"And is it thus, rash Helen, you use your best friends, and risk an +existence so valuable?" cried De Walden. + +"Spare me, spare me your reproaches," said I: "I am sufficiently humbled +already." + +"Not _humbled_--those only are humbled who could injure such a creature. +Helen, I was in the passage at the prison, and I saw all that passed. + +"Now then, while this recollection is fresh on your mind, let me ask you +if you think yourself justified in staying here where you are now +exposed to insult and to danger, for the sake of one who at a moment +which would have bound another man more tenderly than ever, could so +meet and so offend your eyes?" I was still silent. + +"Now then hear my proposal. I have the greatest reason to believe that +I can secure an escape both for you, Alice, and myself, through the +_barriere_ this very night on the road to Switzerland, There, my dear +friend, I offer you a home and a parent! My mother will be your mother, +my uncle your uncle; and well do I know, that could my revered Mrs. +Pendarves look down on what is passing here, she would be happier to see +you under the protection of my family than under any other protection on +earth!" + +"No, my dear friend, no; your just resentment and your wishes deceive +you. My mother valued her child's fame and her child's virtues equal +with her safety." + +"Your fame could not suffer. I would not live even near you, Helen. I am +as jealous of your fame as any mother could be: besides that _principle_ +would make me shun you.--No, Helen; I would see you safe in Switzerland, +and then sail for America." + +"Generous man! But you shall not quit your country for my sake: besides, +I will not quit my husband in the hour of danger. No, whatever be the +fate of Pendarves, I stay to witness and perhaps to share it. The die is +cast: so say no more." + +By this time we had reached my home. Alice came to meet me. + +"O my poor, dear master!" said she: "but it was all his own seeking. We +had passed the barrier; but he would go back. He declared he could not, +would not escape till he knew you were safe: when just as I was got into +the house in the Champs Elisées, and he was holding the reins in his +hands, the officers seized him; and he said, 'I am he whom you seek--I +am quite willing to accompany you.'" + +"This in some measure redeems his character with me," cried De Walden; +and _I_ did not feel it the less because I said nothing: but at length I +said, "Generous Seymour! He never told me this. He did not make a merit +of it with me." + +Juan now came in, lamenting with great grief his poor master's return. +"O that vile woman!" cried he: "It was at her instigation that he was to +have been tried and condemned to-day; and then she repented, and came +to the prison to watch for his being led out, when she saw him brought +back, and then she had the audacity to hang upon him, weeping and making +such a fuss! while he, poor soul, tried to shake her off, assuring her +he forgave her, but never wished to see her more!" + +"Did he act and talk thus?" cried I. + +"He did indeed." + +"And he came back from anxiety for me! O my dear friend, how glad am I +that I refused your proposal before I heard this!"--Sweet indeed was it +to my heart to have the conduct of Pendarves thus cleared up. + +That evening we learnt that Pendarves was to go before the tribunal the +next day; and I was preparing to try to gain admittance to him, and to +see him as he came out, when an order for my own arrest came, and an +officer and his assistants to lead me to a prison. Juan instantly went +in search of De Walden; but I was led away before his return. + +On the road we met the tyrant: "_Ah ha, ma belle!_" cried he, "where are +now your green spectacles?" + +I haughtily demanded my liberty; but he said I was a dangerous +person--and to prison I was borne. To such a prison too! My husband's +cell was a palace to mine; but I immediately concluded that they wished +to make my confinement so horrible that I should be glad to leave it on +any conditions. + +Two days after, and while I had been, I found, forbidden to see any +one, I received a letter informing me that my decree of arrest should +instantly be _cassé_, my husband set at liberty and sent with a +safe-conduct out of the frontiers, if I would promise to smile on a man +who adored me, and who had power to do whatever he promised, and would +perform it before he claimed one approving glance from my fine eyes. + +I have kept this letter as a specimen of Jacobin love-making. It was not +signed with any name, except that of my _dévoué serviteur_; and I never +knew from whom it came. + +It told me an answer would be called for _in person_ the day after the +next; and anxiously did I await this interview--await it in horrors +unspeakable. There was, however, one comfort which I derived from this +letter: till it was answered, I felt assured that my husband was safe. +Dreadful was the morrow: more dreadful still the day after it; for +hourly now did I expect the visit of the wretch. But that day, and the +next day passed, and I saw no one but my taciturn and brutal gaoler, +and heard nothing but the closing of the prison doors. + +The next day too I expected him still in vain; but that night I marked +an unusual emotion, and, as I thought, a look of alarm in my gaoler; +and my wretched scanty meals were not given me till a considerable time +after the usual hour. That night too I and the other prisoners, I found, +were locked up two hours before the customary time. + +All that night I heard noises in the street of the most frightful +description; and as my cell was near the front gates of the prison, I +could even distinguish what the sounds were; and I heard the horrible +tocsin sound to arms: I heard the report of fire-arms, I heard the +shouts of the people, I heard the cry of 'Liberty,' I heard 'Down with +the tyrant!' and all these mingled with execrations, shrieks, and, as I +fancied, groans; while I sunk upon my knees, and committed myself in +humble resignation to the awful fate which might then be involving him I +loved, and which might soon reach me, and drag me from the dungeon to +the scaffold! + +At this moment of horrible suspense and alarm, and soon after the day +had risen on this theatre of blood, my door was thrown open, not by my +brutal gaoler, but by De Walden and Juan! My gaoler, one of the tools of +despotism, had fled; the twenty-eighth of July had freed the country +from the fetters of the tyrant; he was _then_ at that moment on his way +to the guillotine with his colleagues; and I, Pendarves, and hundreds +else, were saved! + +Oh! what had not my poor servants and De Walden endured during the four +days of my imprisonment! Painful as that was, they feared worse evils +might ensue; while Pendarves, confined with the utmost strictness, was +not allowed to see even Juan! + +But where was Pendarves? and why did I not see _him_, if he was indeed +at liberty? De Walden looked down and replied, "He is at liberty, I +know; but we have heard and seen nothing of him." + +By this time we had reached my home, where I was received with tears of +joy by my agitated attendants. But, alas! my joy was changed into +mortification and bitterness: and when my happy friends called on me to +rejoice with them, I replied, in the agony of my heart, "I _am_ +thankful, but I shall never rejoice again!" and for some minutes I laid +my head on the table, and never spoke but by the deepest sighs. + +"I understand you," replied De Walden; "and if I can bring you any +welcome intelligence, depend on it that I will." + +He then hastily departed; and worn out with anxiety, want of sleep, and +sorrow, I retired to my bed, and fortunately sunk into a deep and quiet +slumber. + +When I went down to breakfast the next day, I found De Walden waiting +for me. His cheek was pale, and his look dejected; but he smiled when I +entered the room, and told me he brought me tidings of my husband. + +"Indeed!" cried I with eagerness. + +"Yes; I have seen him. He is at a lodging on the Italian Boulevards--and +alone." + +"Alone! And--and does he not mean to see me; to call and--" + +"How could he? Have you forgotten how you last parted? You resenting +deeply his then only seeming delinquency; and he wounded by, yet +resigned to, your evident resentment." + +"True, true: yet still--" + +"No; I had a long conversation with Pendarves,--for after his late +behaviour, and being convinced that he was alone, I had no objection to +call on him,--and he received me as I wished. He even was as open on +every subject as I could desire; and I found him, though still +persecuted by the letters of La Beauvais, resolved never to renew any +correspondence with her." + +"If so, and if sure of himself, why not write to me, if he does not like +to visit me? I am sure I have not proved myself unforgiving." + +"Shall I tell you why? A feeling that does him honour; a consciousness +that, fallen as he is from the high estate he once held in your esteem +and that of others, he cannot presume to require of you, though you are +his wife, a re-instatement in your love and your society; and he very +properly feels that the first advance should come from you: for though, +as I told him, the relaxed principles of the world allow husbands a +latitude which they deny to wives; still, in the eyes of God, and in +those of nicely feeling men, the fault is in both sexes equal; and an +offender like Pendarves is no longer entitled, as he was before, to the +tenderness of a virtuous wife. Nay, Pendarves, penitent and self-judged, +agrees with me in this opinion, and is thereby raised in my estimation." + +"What! does Pendarves feel and think thus?" + +"Yes; therefore I will myself entreat for him entire forgiveness; but +not directly, and as if a husband who has so grossly erred were as dear +to you as one without error." + +Here De Walden's voice failed him; but he soon after added, in a low +voice, "And I trust that to have aided in bringing about your re-union +will support me under the feelings which the sight of it may occasion +me." + +"But does Pendarves think I shall be always inexorable?" + +"He cannot think so; from your oft experienced kindness." + +"Then why prolong his anxiety? Why not offer to return with him to +England directly?" + +"Because I think there would be an indelicacy in offering so soon to +re-unite yourself to him. I would have you, though a wife, 'be wooed, +and not unsought be won;' but I should not dare to give you this advice, +were I not convinced that this is the feeling of Pendarves. Besides, I +also feel that he would be less oppressed by your superior virtue, if he +found it leavened by a little female pride and resentment." + +"Well, well, I will consider the matter," said I. + +The next day, and the day after, De Walden called and saw Pendarves. "He +is very unhappy," said he; "though he might be the envy of all the first +men in Paris. The most beautiful woman in it, who lives in the first +style, is fallen in love with him; but he refuses all invitations to +her house, does not answer her _billets-doux_, and rejects all her +advances." + +"He does not love her, I suppose?" I replied, masking my satisfaction in +a scornful smile. + +"No, Helen. He says, and I believe him, that he never really loved any +one but you; and for La Beauvais, who persecutes him with visits as well +as letters, he has a kind of aversion. Believe me, that at this moment +he has all my pity, and much of my esteem; and could I envy the man who, +having called you his, is conscious of the guilt of having left you, I +trust I should soon have an opportunity of envying Pendarves." + +Oh! the waywardness of the human heart; or, was it only the waywardness +of mine? Now that I found my husband was anxious to return to me, I felt +less anxious for the re-union; and having gained my point, I began to +consider with more severity the faults which I was called upon to +overlook; and though I had reclaimed my wanderer, I began to consider +whether the reward was equal to the pains bestowed. And also I felt a +little mortified to find De Walden so willing to effect our union, and +so active in his endeavours to further it. These obliquities of feeling +were, however, only temporary; and I had actually written to Pendarves, +by the advice of De Walden, assuring him, all was so much forgiven and +forgotten, that I was prepared to quit Paris with him, and go with him +the world over--when the most dreadful intelligence reached me! even at +this hour I cannot recall that moment without agony. I must lay down my +pen-- + + * * * * * + +Pendarves continued to resist the repeated importunities of La Beauvais +to visit her; but at length she sent a friend to tell him she was dying, +and trusted he would not refuse to bid her farewell.--Pendarves could +not, dared not refuse to answer this appeal to his feelings, and he +repaired to her hotel; in which, though he knew it not, she was +maintained by one of the new Members of the Convention, whom she had +inveigled to marry her according to the laws of the republic. When he +arrived, he found her scarcely indisposed; and reproaching her severely +with her treachery, he told her that all her artifices were vain; that +his heart had always been his wife's though circumstances had enabled +her to lure him from me; that now I had shone upon him in the moments of +danger more brightly than ever; and that he conjured her to forget a +guilty man, who, though never likely perhaps to be happy again with the +woman he adored, yet still preferred his present solitary but guiltless +situation to all the intoxicating hours which he had passed with _her_. + +La Beauvais, who really loved him, was overcome with this solemn +renunciation, and fell back in a sort of hysterical affection on the +couch; and while he held her hand, and was bathing her temples with +essences, her husband rushed in, and exclaiming, "Villain, defend +yourself!" he gave a pistol into the hand of Pendarves; then firing +himself, the ball took effect; and while De Walden was waiting his +return at his lodgings to give him my letter of recall and of forgiving +love, he was carried thither a bleeding and a dying man! But he was +conscious; and while Juan, who called by accident, remained with him, De +Walden came to break the dread event to me, and bear me to the couch of +the sufferer. + +He was holding my letter to his heart. + +"It has healed every wound there," said he, "except those by conscience +made; and it shall lie there till all is over." + +Silent, stunned, I threw myself beside him, and joined my cold cheek to +his. + +"O Helen! and is it thus we meet? Is _this_ our re-union?" + +"Live! do but live," cried I, in a burst of salutary tears; "and you +shall find how dearly I love you still; and we shall be so +happy!--happier than ever!" + +He shook his head mournfully, and said he did not deserve to live, and +to be so happy; and he humbly bowed to that chastising hand which, when +he had escaped punishment for real errors, made him fall the victim of +an imaginary one. + +The surgeons now came to examine the wound a second time, and confirmed +their previous sentence, that the wound was mortal; on which he desired +to be left alone with me, and I was able to suppress my feelings that I +might sooth his during this overwhelming interview. + +These moments are some of the dearest and most sacred in the stores of +memory--but I shall not detail them; suffice that I was able, in default +of better aid, to cheer the death-bed of the beloved sufferer, and +breathe over him, from the lips of agonizing tenderness, the faltering +but fervent prayer. + +That duty done, my fortitude was exhausted, I saw before me, not the +erring husband--the being who had blighted my youth by anxiety, and +wounded all the dearest feelings of my soul; but the playfellow of my +childhood, the idolized object of my youthful heart, and the husband of +my virgin affections! and I was going to lose him! and he lay pale and +bleeding before me! and his last fond lingering look of unutterable love +was now about to close on me for ever! + +"She has forgiven me!" he faltered out; "and Oh! mayst Thou forgive my +trespasses against thee!--Helen! it is sweet and consoling, my only +love, to die here," said he, laying his cheek upon my bosom:--and he +spoke no more! + + * * * * * + +Alas! I could not have the sad consolation, when I recovered my +recollection, to carry his body to England, to repose by those dear ones +already in the grave; but I do not regret it now. Since then, the hands +of piety have planted the rough soil in which he was laid; flowers bloom +around his grave; and when five years ago I visited Paris, with my own +hands I strewed his simple tomb with flowers that spring from the now +hallowed soil around. + +Object of my earliest and my fondest love never, no never, have +forgotten thee! nor can I ever forget! But, like one of the shades of +Ossian, thou comest over my soul, brightly arrayed in the beams of thy +loveliness; but all around thee is dark with mists and storms! + +To conclude.--I have only to add, that after two years of seclusion, and +I may say of sorrow, and one of that dryness and desolation of the +heart, when it seems as if it could love no more, that painful feeling +vanished, and I became the willing bride of De Walden; that my beloved +uncle lived to see me the happy mother of two children; and that my aunt +gossips, advises and quotes, as well and as constantly as usual; that on +the death of his uncle and his mother, my husband and I came to reside +entirely in England; that Lord Charles Belmour, with a broken +constitution and a shattered fortune, was glad at last to marry for a +nurse and a dower, and took to wife a first cousin who had loved him for +years,--a woman who had sense enough to overlook his faults in his good +qualities, and temper enough to bear with the former; and he grows every +day more happy, more amiable, and more in love with marriage. + +For myself, I own with humble thankfulness the vastness of the blessings +I enjoy; and though I cannot repent that I married the husband of my own +choice, I confess I have never been so truly happy as with the husband +of my mother's:--for though I feel that it is often delightful to +forgive a husband's errors, she, and she alone, is truly to be envied, +whose husband has no errors to forgive. + + +THE END. + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE + +Missing punctuation has been added and superfluous punctuation removed +(most frequently quotation marks). Period spellings have been retained, +although a number of obvious typographical errors were corrected. +Hyphenation is inconsistent throughout and a number of words occur +in various spellings. + +The name of one historical figure appears both as Hebert and as Herbert +in the original, and has been changed to Hébert. Otherwise, no +corrections have been made to the French. + + +The following additional changes were made to the text; in each case, +the original is followed by the corrected version: + + I went to down dinner + I went down to dinner + + We were asked to stay dinner + We were asked to stay to dinner + + and as i If addressed an inferior + and as if I addressed an inferior + + a mono-drame, a a ballet of action + a mono-drame, a ballet of action + + the impractible Lord Charles + the impracticable Lord Charles + (NB impracticable here has its old meaning of unmanageable) + + were a tearful one fails + where a tearful one fails + + as little attention as as I can + as little attention as I can + +One passage had a line of text out of sequence. The original reads: + + returned in much agitation from his walk, but I + experienced at sight of Pendarves; and on inquiry + saw it was of an opposite nature to that which he + I found that he had, as he said, met that good + young man, Count De Walden. + +The corrected version runs: + + returned in much agitation from his walk, but I + saw it was of an opposite nature to that which he + experienced at sight of Pendarves; and on inquiry + I found that he had, as he said, met that good + young man, Count De Walden. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Wife's Duty, by Amelia Alderson Opie + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A WIFE'S DUTY *** + +***** This file should be named 35294-8.txt or 35294-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/2/9/35294/ + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Wife's Duty + A Tale + +Author: Amelia Alderson Opie + +Release Date: February 15, 2011 [EBook #35294] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A WIFE'S DUTY *** + + + + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + + + + + +</pre> + +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> +<h1>A WIFE'S DUTY.</h1> +<p> </p> +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="4" summary="Illustration"> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <a href="images/frontis.png"> + <img src="images/frontis.png" height="330" + alt="FRONTISPIECE" /></a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <span class="caption">Dearest Helen! why should we ever leave this paradise of sweets?<br /> +Click to <a href="images/frontis.png">ENLARGE</a></span> + </td> + </tr> +</table> +</div> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="4" summary="Illustration"> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <a href="images/tp.png"> + <img src="images/tp.png" height="500" + alt="TITLE PAGE" /></a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <span class="caption"><br /> +A view between Paris and Marseilles</span> + </td> + </tr> +</table> +</div> +<p> </p> +<hr class="narrow" /> +<p> </p> +<h2>A WIFE'S DUTY,</h2> +<p> </p> +<h4>A TALE.</h4> +<p> </p> +<h2>BY MRS. OPIE.</h2> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<div class="center"> +<table style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="quotation"> +<tr><td align="left">"There is no killing like that which kills the heart."<span class="ind2"> </span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right"><span class="smallcaps">Shakspeare.</span></td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<p> </p> +<p> </p> +<h4>LONDON:</h4> +<h5><span class="wide">PUBLISHED BY GROVE AND SON,</span></h5> +<h6>TRINITY STREET, SOUTHWARK.</h6> +<h4>1847.</h4> +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<h3><span class="wide">A WIFE'S DUTY,</span></h3> +<h6>BEING A CONTINUATION OF A</h6> +<h3><span class="wide">"WOMAN'S LOVE."</span></h3> + +<h6>PART THE SECOND.</h6> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 110px;"> +<img src="images/dropi.png" width="110" alt="I" title="I" /></div><div class="noindent">am only too painfully aware, my +dear friend, that in my history of +a "Woman's Love," I have related +none but very common occurrences +and situations, and entered into +minute, nay, perhaps, uninteresting +details. Still, however common +an event may be, it is susceptible of variety +in description, because endlessly various is the +manner in which the same event affects different +persons. Perhaps no occurrence ever affected two +human beings exactly in the same manner; but +as the rays of light call forth different hues and +gradations of colour, according to the peculiar +surfaces of the objects on which they fall, so common +circumstances vary in their results and their +effects, according to the different natures and minds +of those to whom they occur.</div> + +<p>My trials have been, and will no doubt continue +to be, the trials of thousands of my sex; but the +manner in which I acted under them, and their +effect on my feelings and my character, must be +peculiar to myself. And on these alone I can +presume to found my expectation of affording to +you, while you read, the variety which keeps +attention alive, and the interest which repays it.</p> + +<p>In the same week which made me a bride +Ferdinand De Walden left England, unable to +remain near the spot which had witnessed the +birth of his dearest hopes, and would now witness +the destruction of them.</p> + +<p>I could have soothed in a degree the "pangs +of despised love," by assuring him that I was +convinced nothing but a prior attachment could +have prevented my heart from returning his love. +I could have told him that I seemed to myself to +have two hearts; the one glowing with passionate +tenderness for the object of its first feelings, the +other conscious of a deep-rooted and well-founded +esteem for him. But it was my duty to conceal +this truth from him, as such an avowal would +have strengthened my hold on his remembrance, +and it was now become his duty to forget.</p> + +<p>My mother not very long after my marriage +wounded my feelings in a manner which I could +not soon recover. I was speaking of De Walden +with that warmth of regard which I really felt for +him, and lamenting that I should probably now +see him no more, when, with a look of agony for +which I was not prepared, she begged me never +to mention the name of De Walden to her again; +for that her only chance of being able to reconcile +herself to the marriage which I had made, was +her learning to forget the one which she had so +ardently desired.</p> + +<p>Eagerly indeed did I pledge my word to her, +that I would in future never name De Walden.</p> + +<p>The first twelve months of my wedded life were +halcyon days; and the first months of marriage +are not often such,—perhaps they never are, except +where the wedded couple are so young that they +are not trammelled in habits which are likely to +interfere with a spirit of accommodation; nor +even then, probably, unless the temper is good +and yielding on both sides. It usually takes some +time for the husband and wife to know each other's +humours and habits, and to find out what surrender +of their own they can make with the least +reluctance for their mutual good. But we had +youth, and (I speak it not as a boast) we had +good temper also. Seymour, you know, was +proverbially good-natured; and I, though an +only child, had not had my naturally happy +temper ruined by injudicious indulgence.</p> + +<p>You know that Seymour and I went to Paris, +and thence to Marseilles, not very long after we +were married, and returned in six months, to +complete the alterations which we had ordered to +be made to our house, under the superintendence +of my mother.</p> + +<p>We found our alterations really deserving the +name of improvements, and Seymour enthusiastically +exclaimed, "O Helen! never, never will +we leave this enchanting place. Here let us live, +my beloved, and be the world to each other!"</p> + +<p>My heart readily assented to this delightful +proposition, but even then my judgement revolted +at it.</p> + +<p>I felt, I knew that Pendarves loved and was +formed for society. I was sure that by beginning +our wedded life with total seclusion, we should +only prepare the way for utter distaste to it; and +concealing my own inclinations, I told him I must +stipulate for three months of London every spring. +My husband started with surprise and mortification +at this un-romantic reply to his sentimental proposal, +nor could he at all accede to it; but he +complained of my passion for London to my mother, +while the country with me for his companion was +quite sufficient for his happiness.</p> + +<p>"These are early times yet," replied my mother +coldly; and Seymour was not satisfied with the +mother or the daughter.</p> + +<p>"Seymour," said I one day, "since you have +declared against keeping any more terms, and +will therefore not read much law till you become +a justice of the peace, pray, tell me how you +mean to employ yourself?"</p> + +<p>"Why, in the first place," said he, "I shall +read or write. But my first employment shall be +to teach you Spanish. I cannot endure to think +that De Walden taught you Italian, Helen."</p> + +<p>"But you taught me to love, you know, therefore +you ought to forgive it."</p> + +<p>"No, I cannot rest till I also have helped to +complete your education."</p> + +<p>"Well, but I cannot be learning Spanish all +day."</p> + +<p>"No; so perhaps I shall set about writing a +great work."</p> + +<p>"The very thing that I was going to propose, +though not exactly a great work. What think you +of a life of poor Chatterton, with critical remarks +on his poems?"</p> + +<p>"Excellent! I will do it."</p> + +<p>And now having given him a pursuit, I ventured +to indulge some reasonable hopes that home +and the country might prove to him as delightful +as he fancied that they would be; and what with +studying Spanish, with building a green-house, +with occasional writing, with study, with getting +together materials for this life, and writing the +preface, time fled on very rapid pinions; and +after we had been married two years, and +May arrived a second time, Seymour triumphantly +exclaimed, "There, Helen! I believe that you +distrusted my love for the country; but have I +once expressed or felt a wish to go to London?"</p> + +<p>"The ides of March are come, but not gone," +I replied; "and surely if I wish to go, you will +not deny me."</p> + +<p>"No, Helen, certainly not," said he in a tone +of mortification; "if I am no longer all-sufficient +for your happiness."</p> + +<p>Alas! in the ingenuousness of my nature, I +gave way when he said this to the tenderness of +my heart, and assured him that my happiness +depended wholly on the enjoyment of his society; +and I fear it is too true that men soon learn to +slight what they are sure of possessing. Had I +been an artful woman, and could I have +condescended to make him doubtful of the extent of +my love, by a few woman's subterfuges; could I +have feigned a desire to return to the world, instead +of owning, as I did, that all my enjoyment was +comprised in home and him; I do think that I +might have been for a much longer period the +happiest of wives; but then I should have been, +in my own eyes, despicable as a woman, and I was +always tenacious of my own esteem.</p> + +<p>May was come, but not gone—when I found +my husband was continually reading to me, after +having previously read to himself, the accounts in +the papers of the gaieties of London.</p> + +<p>"What a tempting account this is, Helen, of +the Exhibition at Somerset House!—I should like +to see it. Seeing pictures is an elegant rational +amusement. And here are soon to be a ball and +supper at Ranelagh. A fine place Ranelagh for +such an entertainment."</p> + +<p>Here he read a list of routs and cotillion balls at +different places; but one day he read, with infinite +mortification, that our uncle, Mr. Pendarves, had +given a ball on the return of his son-in-law to +Parliament.</p> + +<p>"How abominable," cried Seymour, "for my +uncle to give a ball, and not invite us to go up +to it!"</p> + +<p>"You forget," replied I, "that, knowing our +passion for the country, and that we had abjured +the world, he did not like to ask us, because he +knew he should be refused."</p> + +<p>"I am not so sure he would have been refused, +Helen; or, as to having abjured the world—No, +no; we are not such fools as to do that—are we, +my dearest girl?"</p> + +<p>"We are bound by no vows, certainly; and, +as soon as retirement is become irksome to you, +we can go to London."</p> + +<p>"Did I say that retirement was grown irksome? +Oh, fie! such an idea never entered my thoughts: +besides, as this fine ball is over, what should we +go to London for?"</p> + +<p>"There may be other fine balls, and fine parties, +you know."</p> + +<p>"True; but really, Helen, I begin to believe +you wish to go to London."</p> + +<p>"If you do, I do certainly."</p> + +<p>"I!—Not I indeed. Ah, Helen! I suspect you +are not ingenuous with me; and you do wish +to go."</p> + +<p>I only smiled: but I soon found that the book +did not get forward, that the newspapers were +anxiously expected, and that my Spanish master +sometimes forgot his task in the indulgence of +reverie; and I debated within myself, whether it +would not be for our interest and our domestic +comfort, to propose to go to London, in order to +conceal from him as long as I could that I was +not sufficient for his happiness; and that he would +live and die a man of the world. I was the more +ready to do this, because I wished that my mother +should not see my empire was on the decline. +Why did I so wish? I hoped it was because I +was desirous to spare her any anxiety for my +peace; but I fear it also was because I did not +like that she should have cause to suspect her +choice for me was likely to have proved a better +one than my own. (I believe I have observed +before, how strong my conviction is, that there is +scarcely such a thing in nature as a single motive +of action.)</p> + +<p>I therefore, in the presence of my mother, hinted +a wish to go to London for six weeks. She +started, and looked suspiciously at Pendarves; +while he, with an odd mixture of surprise, joy, +and mortification in his countenance, exclaimed—</p> + +<p>"Do I hear right, Helen? Are you, after all +you have declared, desirous of going to London?"</p> + +<p>"I am: 'Variety is charming,' says the proverb; +and here you know it is <i>toujours perdrix</i>!"</p> + +<p>"Well, there, madam," said Pendarves, turning +to my mother, "you will now, I hope, believe +what I assured you of some time ago, that Helen +had a passion for London?"</p> + +<p>"<i>C'est selon</i>," replied my mother, "to use a +French phrase, in answer to Helen's," and darting, +as she spoke, a penetrating glance at me.</p> + +<p>"I assure you," replied I, "that my wish to +go to London originates with myself, as I believe +that this journey to the metropolis is the +wisest, as well as the most agreeable thing I could +desire."</p> + +<p>My mother sighed; and a "Well, my child, I +have no reason to doubt your word," broke languidly +from her lips, while she suddenly rose and +left the room.</p> + +<p>"And are you really in earnest, Helen?" said +Pendarves.</p> + +<p>"Never more so; and unless my proposal is +very distasteful to you, I beg you will write +directly, and engage lodgings."</p> + +<p>"Distasteful! oh, no! quite the contrary. I +shall be proud to exhibit my lovely wife in London, +where, no doubt, she will be as much admired as +she was abroad.—Do you think," he affectionately +added, "that I have forgotten the exquisite pleasure +I experienced at seeing you the object of +general attraction wherever you moved?"</p> + +<p>This was said and felt kindly; still it did not +inspire me with that confidence which it seemed +likely to inspire; for I, though I was conscious of +my husband's personal beauty, had no vanity to +gratify in exhibiting him to the London world. +I had no wish to be the most envied of women, it +was sufficient for me to know that I was the happiest; +and I thought that, if Pendarves loved as +truly as I did, the consciousness of his happiness +would have been sufficient for him. Still, I am +well aware how wrong it is to judge the love of +others according to our own capability of loving. +As well, and as justly, might we confine beauty, +or the power of pleasing, to one cast of features or +complexion. All persons love after a manner of +their own; and woe must befal the man or woman +who expects to be loved according to their own +way and their own degree of loving, without any +consideration for the different character and different +feelings of the beloved object.</p> + +<p>"How absurd I am!" said I to myself, after I +had shed some weak tears in the solitude of my +chamber, because Pendarves did not love me, I +found, as I loved him. "How absurd! True, +he delights in the idea of exhibiting me, and I +have no wish to exhibit him. After all, he loves +more generously than I do, and my selfishness is +nothing to be proud of."</p> + +<p>Thus I reasoned with myself, and tried to fortify +my mind to bear the cares and the dangers which +I had, on principle, provoked.</p> + +<p>"One word, Helen," said my mother, when she +was alone with me after what had passed relative +to my projected journey: "Are you sure, my +dear child, that in urging your husband to go to +London you have acted wisely?"</p> + +<p>"As sure as the consciousness of my bounded +vision of futurity can allow me to be. I thought +it better to forestal my husband's wishes than to +wait for the expression of them."</p> + +<p>"If not better, it was less mortifying," replied +my quick-sighted parent; and we said no more +on the subject.</p> + +<p>In three days' time we had lodgings procured +for us near Hanover Square; and on the fourth +day from that on which I made known my wishes, +we set off for London. But how different were +the feelings of my husband and myself on the +occasion! He was all joy and pleased expectation, +unmixed with any painful regret or any anxious +fears. But I left, for some time, a tenderly beloved +mother, and the scene of tranquil and certain +enjoyment. I was going, I knew, to encounter, +probably, the influence of rivals, both in men and +women, in my husband's attentions, and the dangerous +power of long and early associations. And +how did I know but that into a renewal of +intimacy with his former associates I was not bringing +my husband? But I had done what I thought +right; and if I had presumptuously acted on the +dictates of human wisdom alone, I prayed, fervently +prayed, that the divine wisdom would take +pity on my weakness, and avert the courted and +impending evil.</p> + +<p>I was many miles on my journey before I could +drive from my mind the recollection of my mother's +countenance when we parted. It did not alone +express sorrow to part with me: it indicated +anxiety, foreboding of evil to happen before we +met again; and it required all my husband's enlivening +gaiety and fascinating powers to revive +my drooping spirits. His gaiety, I must own, +however, depressed rather than enlivened me at +first; for I was mortified to see with what delight +he anticipated our return to the great world: but, +as I had no ill-tempered feelings to oppose to the +influence of his buoyant hilarity and his winning +charm of manner, they at length subdued my +depression, and imparted to me their own pleasant +cheerfulness.</p> + +<p>"Dear, dear London!" cried Pendarves as our +horses' hoofs first rattled on its pavement, "Dear +London! how I love thee! for here I was first +convinced how fondly Helen loved me!" So +saying, he pressed me to his heart, and a feeling +of revived confidence stole over mine.</p> + +<p>We found my uncle and Mrs. Pendarves still in +London; but I did not feel as rejoiced on the +occasion as they and my husband did. The latter +was glad because he had in them proper protectors +for his wife, whenever he was obliged to leave me; +and the former, because they had really an affection +for us. But I knew so much of Mrs. Pendarves, +by the description I had heard of her from +Lady Helen and my mother, and what I had observed +myself, that I dreaded being exposed to her +home truths and her indiscreet communications.</p> + +<p>It was not long before we found ourselves completely +in the vortex of a London life. And as, +for the most part, my husband's engagements and +mine were the same, I lost the gloomy forebodings +with which I left home, and even lost my fears of +Mrs. Pendarves.</p> + +<p>One day Pendarves told me he was going to +dine with an old friend of his, Maurice Witred; +but, as I was not going out, he hoped to be back +to drink tea with me; but I expected him in vain, +and he did not return till bed-time.</p> + +<p>He told me he was sorry to have disappointed +me; but his friend had prevailed on him to go to +the play. This excuse was so sufficient, and his +wish to accompany Mr. Witred so natural, that I +should have had no misgiving whatever had I not +observed a certain degree of constraint in his +manner, and a consciousness as if he had not told +me all. However, I was satisfied with the alleged +cause of his absence, and I slept as soundly as +usual. But the next morning came Mrs. Pendarves, +saying she was glad to find me alone. She +told me she had met my husband, and she had +given him such a set to! (to use her own elegant +phrase.)</p> + +<p>"And wherefore?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! for going to the play with Maurice +Witred and his lady."</p> + +<p>"Lady! I did not know he was married."</p> + +<p>"He is not married; and it was very wrong, +and had an ill-appearance for a young, married +man to be seen in public, though it was in a private +box, with a profligate man and his mistress. +I thought he would not tell you; but I was resolved +you should know it, that you might scold +him with 'the grave rebuke of a severe youthful +beauty and a grace.'"</p> + +<p>I did not reply, even to assure her I was better +pleased that she should scold my husband than +that I should do it myself; for I knew she was +incorrigible, and her communication had thrown +me into a painful reverie; for I found that Pendarves +had begun to practise disingenuousness and +concealment with me, and in the most dangerous +way; for he had concealed only half the truth; +by which means persons make a sort of compromise +with their integrity, and lay a salvo to their +consciences; for they fancy they are not lying, +though they are certainly deceiving; whereas, if +they tell a downright lie, they, at least, <span class="smallcaps">know</span> +they are sinning, and may be led by conscious +shame into amendment. But there is no hope +for those who thus delude themselves; and as +<i>ce n'est que le prémier pas qui coute</i>, I felt that +I had lost some of my confidence in my husband's +sincerity. Alas! when perfect confidence between +man and wife is once destroyed, there is an end to +perfect happiness! But I tried to shake off my +abstraction; and I listened as well as I could to +my talkative companion, whose passion was to +give advice, that troublesome but common propensity +in weak people; and like such persons, she +was always boasting of the advice she had given, +that which she would give, or of the dressings +and <i>set-tos</i> which she had bestowed, or meant to +bestow. At length, however, much to my relief +she went away, and not long after Pendarves +returned.</p> + +<p>"So," said he, "I find Mrs. Pendarves has +been with you, and suppose (blushing as he spoke) +that she has been telling tales of me?"</p> + +<p>"And of herself," I replied, smiling as unconcernedly +as I could; "for she owns to the +presumption of having given you a <i>set-to</i>, as she +calls it."</p> + +<p>"Yes: but I suppose she told you the cause?"</p> + +<p>"No doubt."</p> + +<p>"And do you think it deserved so severe a +lecture?"</p> + +<p>"I think it was not right in a respectable married +man to seem to give his countenance to such +a connexion as the one in question; and I suspect +that you are of the same opinion."</p> + +<p>"I am; but why do you think so?"</p> + +<p>"From conceit; because I believe that fear of +my censure made you conceal from me what you +had done."</p> + +<p>"True, most true—and my repugnance to tell +you all proved to me still more how wrong that +all was."</p> + +<p>"My dearest Seymour," I replied, "believe +me, that not all which you can communicate to +me can ever distress me so much as my consciousness +of your want of ingenuousness, and of your +telling only half the truth can do. I saw by your +manner something was wrong, and I shall ever +bless the weak indiscretion of Mrs. Pendarves, +because it led to this salutary explanation; and I +trust that the next time you go with Mr. Witred +and his lady to the play, you will mention both."</p> + +<p>"But I shall <i>never</i> go with them again," eagerly +replied my husband, "as you, Helen think it +improper."</p> + +<p>"But I may be too rigid in my ideas; and I beg +you to be ruled by your own judgment, rather than +mine. All I ask is, to be told the whole truth."</p> + +<p>Pleasant to my feelings then, and dear to my +recollection since, is the look of tenderness and +approbation which Pendarves gave me as I spoke +these words; and when he left me, peace and +confidence seemed restored to my mind.</p> + +<p>The next evening was the fashionable night for +Ranelagh, and my husband and I, who dined out, +were to accompany a large party to that scene of +gay resort.</p> + +<p>Ranelagh was the place for tall women to appear +to advantage in. Little women, however beautiful, +were likely to be unnoticed in that circling crowd; +but, even unattended with beauty, height and a +good carriage of the person were sure to be noticed +there. The pride which Pendarves took in my +appearance was never so fully gratified as at Ranelagh; +for while I leaned upon him, I used to +feel my arm pressed gently to his side as he heard +or saw the admiration which my lofty stature (to +speak modestly) excited. This evening as I was +quite a new face in the splendid round, I was +even followed as well as gazed at; and I was not +sorry when our carriage was announced, though +I was flattered on my own account, and pleased +on my husband's; for I was eager to escape from +some particularly impertinent starers, especially +as I found that Pendarves was disposed to resent +the freedom with which some men of high rank +thought themselves privileged to follow and to +look at me. Before we separated, some of the +party proposed that we should meet again at +Ranelagh on the next night but one, and while I +hesitated, my husband exclaimed, "No mock +modesty, Helen; no declining an opportunity, +which you must enjoy, of being admired. So, +pray tell our friends you gladly accede to their +proposal."</p> + +<p>"I gladly accede to your proposal," cried I +laughing, but blushing with conscious vanity at +the same time.</p> + +<p>"What an obedient wife!" cried one of the +ladies; "public homage has not spoiled her yet, +I see."</p> + +<p>"Nor can it," replied I, "while I possess my +husband's homage, which I value far more."</p> + +<p>"While you possess it! Then, if his homage +should fail you, you might perhaps be pleased +with the other?"</p> + +<p>"I humbly hope not: but if exposed to that +bitter trial, I dare not assert that I should not +yield to it as scores of other women do every day; +for I must say, in defence of my sex, that good +husbands, generally speaking, make good wives; +and that most women originally value the attentions +of their husbands more than those of other men. +On your sex, therefore, O false and fickle man! be +visited the crimes of ours!"</p> + +<p>This grave discourse provoked some laughter +from my audience, from which I was glad to +escape to our carriage, which had waited for us +while we alighted.</p> + +<p>"So, Helen," said my husband as we went +home, "it is your opinion,</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">That when weak women go astray,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Their lords are more in fault than they."</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>"It is."</p> + +<p>"And you said what you did as a gentle hint +and a kind warning to me how I behaved myself?"</p> + +<p>"Not so," said I eagerly: "I humbly trust +that even your example would not make me swerve +from my duty; and my observation was a general +one. Still, my favourite and constant prayer is +'Let me not be led into temptation;' and believe +me, Pendarves, that she who is able to admit +that she may possibly err, is less liable to do so +than the woman who seems to believe she is incapable +of it."</p> + +<p>"Helen," said my husband, "I never for one +moment associated together the idea of you and +frailty: therefore, dear girl, I will carry you to +Ranelagh again and again; for I do love to see +you admired! and I feel proud while I think and +know that even princes would woo your smiles in +vain."</p> + +<p>He kept his word, and we never missed a full +night at Ranelagh. But one evening completely +destroyed the unmixed pleasure which I had +hitherto enjoyed there.</p> + +<p>We had not been round the room more than +twice when we were joined by Lord Charles Belmour, +a former associate of my husband's, who, after +a little while, begged to have some private conversation +with him; and taking his arm, Pendarves +consigned me to the care of the gentleman +with us, on whose other arm hung a lady to whom +he was busily making love: consequently, his +attention was wholly directed to her, and I had +nothing to divert mine from the conversation +which occasionally met my ear between my husband +and his noble friend, who walked close behind us.</p> + +<p>Sometimes this conversation was held in a low +voice, and then I ceased to listen to it; but when +they spoke as usual, I thought I was justified in +attending to them.</p> + +<p>"Look there!" said Lord Charles, as we were +passing a box in which sat two ladies splendidly +dressed, accompanied by two gentlemen, "look, +Pendarves, there is an old friend of yours!"</p> + +<p>"Ha!" said my husband, lowering his voice, +"I protest it is she! I did not know she was in +England. Who are those men with her?"</p> + +<p>"What, are you jealous?"</p> + +<p>"Nonsense! Who are they?"</p> + +<p>"The man in brown is husband to the lady in +blue; and for the sake of associating with a titled +lady, which your friend is, you know, he allows +his wife, who is not pretty enough to be in danger, +to go about with her and her <i>cher ami</i>—the young +man in green. You know she was always a +favourite with young men."</p> + +<p>"True, and young indeed must the man be +who is taken in by her fascinations."</p> + +<p>"But she is wonderfully handsome still."</p> + +<p>"I hardly looked at her."</p> + +<p>"We are passing her again—<i>Now</i>, then, look +at her if you dare."</p> + +<p>"Dare!"</p> + +<p>"Yes: for her eyes are very like the basilisk's."</p> + +<p>"I will risk it."</p> + +<p><i>I</i> too now looked towards the box we were approaching; +at the end of which stood a young +man in green, hanging over a woman, who though +no longer young, and wholly indebted to art for +her bloom, appeared to my now jealous eyes the +handsomest woman I had ever beheld. I also +observed that she saw and recognised my husband; +for she suddenly started, and looked disordered, +while an expression of anger stole over her face. +A sudden stop in the crowd, to allow the <span class="smallcaps">Prince</span> +and his party to pass, who were just entering, +forced us to be stationary a few minutes before +her box. Oh! how my heart beat during this +survey! But one thing gratified me: I was sure +as I did not see her bow her head or curtsy, that +Pendarves did not notice her. And yet, Lord +Charles had, uncontradicted, called her his old +friend!</p> + +<p>Who, then, and what was she? would he tell +me? Perhaps he would when he got home; if +he did not, I felt that I should be uneasy.</p> + +<p>We soon moved on again, and I heard Lord +Charles say,</p> + +<p>"Cruel Pendarves, not even to look at or touch +your hat to her! Surely that would not have +committed you in any way."</p> + +<p>"It would have been acknowledging her for +an acquaintance, which I do not now wish to do, +especially in my wife's presence," I conclude he +said, for he spoke too low for me to hear; but I +judge so from the answer of Lord Charles.</p> + +<p>"Oh! then, if your wife was not present, you +would not be so cruel?"</p> + +<p>"I did not say so."</p> + +<p>"No: but you implied it."</p> + +<p>"I deny that also."</p> + +<p>Then coming up to me, my husband again +offered me his arm, and Lord Charles left us. I +soon after saw this beautiful woman walking in +the circle, and heard her named by the gentleman +next me as Lady Bell Singleton—a dashing widow +more famed for her beauty and her fascinations +than her morals. But Pendarves said nothing; +and though she looked very earnestly at him, and +examined me from head to foot as I passed, I saw +that he never turned his eyes on her, and seemed +resolved not to see her.</p> + +<p>I had therefore every reason to be pleased with +my husband's conduct; but I felt great distrust +of Lord Charles. I thought he was a man, from +what I had overheard, whom I could never like +as a companion for Pendarves; and I disliked him +the more, because, if I had given him the slightest +encouragement, he would have been my devoted +and public admirer, and would have delighted to +make his attachment to me and our intimacy the +theme of conversation. I also saw that my cold +reserve had changed his partiality into dislike; +and I could readily believe that he would be glad +in revenge to wean my husband from me. Still +I could not wish that I had treated him otherwise +than I did; for I could not have done it without +compromising my sense of right, as half measures +in such cases are of no avail; and if a married +woman does not at once show that pointed and +particular admiration is offensive to her, the man +who offers it has a right to think his devoirs may +in time be acceptable.</p> + +<p>Here I may as well give you the character of +this friend of my husband's.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles Belmour was the son of the Duke +of <span class="nowrap">——</span>; and never was any man more proud of +the pre-eminence bestowed by rank and birth: +but to do him justice, he began life with a wish +to possess more honourable distinctions; and had +he been placed in better circumstances, the world +might have heard of him as a man of science, of +learning, and of talents. But he had every thing +to deaden his wish of studious fame, and nothing +to encourage it. Besides, he was too indolent to +toil for that renown which he was ambitious to +enjoy; and instead of reading hard at college, +he was soon led away into the most unbounded +dissipation, while he saw honours daily bestowed +on others which he had once earnestly wished to +deserve and gain himself. But he quickly drove +all weak repinings from him, proudly resolving +in future to scorn and undervalue those laurels +which could now never be his.</p> + +<p>He therefore chose to declare it was beneath a +nobleman, or even a gentleman, to gain a prize, +or take a high degree; and this assertion, in which +he did not himself believe, was quoted by many +an idle dunce, glad so to excuse the ignorance +which disgraced him.</p> + +<p>But, spite of this pernicious opinion, Lord +Charles never sought the society of those who +acted upon it; and Pendarves, who had distinguished +himself at Oxford, was his favourite companion +there.</p> + +<p>When Lord Charles entered the world, he gave +himself up to all its vanities and irregularities. +But he was conscious of great powers, and also +conscious that he had suffered them to run waste. +Still if he could not employ them in a way to +excite admiration, he knew he could do so in a +way to excite fear; and after all, power was power, +and to possess it was the first wish of his heart.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, though conscious he had himself +the follies which he lashed, he had no mercy on +those of his acquaintance; for, as he himself +observed, "it is easier to laugh at the follies of +others than amend one's own;" and though +courted as an amusing companion, he was often +shunned as a dangerous one.</p> + +<p>Women, also, who defied him either as a suitor +or an enemy, have rued the day when they ventured +to dispute his power: but, as I at length +discovered, there was one way to disarm him; +and that was to own his ability to do harm, and +try to conciliate him as an active and efficient +friend.</p> + +<p>In that case his generous and kind feelings +conquered his less amiable ones, and his friendship +was as sincere and valuable as his enmity was +pernicious.</p> + +<p>But, with no uncommon inconsistency, while +he declared that he thought a nobleman would +disgrace himself if he sung well, or sung at all, +or entered the lists in any way with persons <i>à +talens</i>, he condescended to indulge before those +whom he respected in the lowest of all talents, +though certainly one of the most amusing, that +of mimickry—a gift which usually appertains to +other talents, as a border of shining gold to the +fag end of a piece of India muslin, looking more +showy indeed than the material to which it adheres; +but how inferior in value and in price!</p> + +<p>But to resume my narrative. My husband did +<i>not</i> mention Lady Bell to me. The next time I +went to Ranelagh with mixed feelings—for I +dreaded to see this lady again, and to observe that +Pendarves had chosen at length to own her for +an acquaintance; for, had he been sure of never +renewing his acquaintance, why should he not +have named her to me?</p> + +<p>It was also with contending feelings that I found +myself obliged to have Mrs. Pendarves as my +companion; for though I wished to be informed +on the subject of my anxiety, I dreaded it at the +same time: and I was sure that she would tell +me all she knew.</p> + +<p>A nephew of Mrs. Pendarves was our escort to +Ranelagh; and my husband, who dined with Lord +Charles Belmour (much to my secret sorrow), +was to join us there.</p> + +<p>My eyes looked every where in search of Lady +Bell Singleton, and at length I discovered her. +My companion did the same; and with a sort of +scream of surprise, she said, "Oh, dear! if there +is not Lady Bell Singleton! I thought she was +abroad. Do you know, my dear, when she returned +to England?"</p> + +<p>"How should I know, madam? The very +existence of the lady was a stranger to me till the +other evening."</p> + +<p>"Indeed! Why, do not you really know that +is the lady on whose account your mother forbade +your marriage with Pendarves?"</p> + +<p>"No, madam, my mother was too discreet to +explain her reasons."</p> + +<p>"Well, my dear, you need not look so uneasy—it +was all off long before he married you—though +she is a very dangerous woman where she +gets a hold, and looks</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">'So sure of her beholder's heart,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> Neglecting for to take them.'"</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>I scarcely heard what she said, for a sick faint +feeling came over me at the consciousness that I +was now in the presence of a woman for whom +Pendarves had undoubtedly felt some sort of +regard; but it was jealousy for the past, not of +the present, that overcame me, though my husband's +total silence with regard to this lady was, +I could not but think, an alarming circumstance. +And "it was on her account your mother forbade +your marriage with Pendarves" still vibrated +painfully in my ears, when Lord Charles and he +appeared. With a smile by no means as unconstrained +as usual I met him, and accepted his +proffered arm. Lord Charles walked with us for +a round or two—then left us, whispering as he +did so, "Remember! <i>do</i> notice her, she expects +it, and I think she has a right to it."</p> + +<p>Pendarves muttered, "Well, if it must be so," +and his companion disappeared.</p> + +<p>"Soon after we saw him with Lady Bell Singleton +leaning on his arm; and I felt convinced +he had made the acquaintance since we were last +at Ranelagh, as he never noticed her till that night. +We were now meeting them for the second time, +and passing close to them, when I saw Lady Bell +pointedly try to catch my husband's eye: and no +longer avoiding it, he took off his hat, and civilly, +though distantly, returned the cordial but silent +salutation which she gave him.</p> + +<p>"This," thought I, "is in consequence of +Lord Charles's interference, and explains what +Pendarves meant by 'Well, if I must, I must.'"</p> + +<p>How I wished that he would break his silence +on this subject, and be ingenuous! But I felt it +was a delicate subject for him to treat—and I +resolved to break the ice myself.</p> + +<p>"That was a very beautiful woman to whom +you bowed just now," said I, glad to find that +Mrs. Pendarves was looking another way.</p> + +<p>"She <i>has</i> been beautiful indeed!" was his reply.</p> + +<p>Then looking at me, surprised I doubt not at +the tremor of my voice, he was equally surprised +at my excessive paleness, and with some little +sarcasm in his tone, he said,</p> + +<p>"My dear Helen, is my only bowing to a fine +woman capable of making your cheek pale, and +your voice trembling?"</p> + +<p>"No," said I, "not so—you wrong me indeed; +nor did I know that my cheek was pale." I said +no more, shrinking from the seeming indelicacy +of forcing a confidence which he was disposed to +withhold.</p> + +<p>"Helen," said he, looking up in my face, "I +see our aunt Pendarves has been at her old work, +telling tales of me. I protest I shall insist on my +uncle's sending her muzzled into your company."</p> + +<p>"The best way of muzzling her would be to anticipate +all her communications yourself. It would +be such an effectual silence to a woman like our +little aunt, to be able to say, 'I know that +already!'"</p> + +<p>"That's artfully put, Helen! But, really, there +are some things which I have respected you too +much to name to you. A general knowledge of +my past faults and follies you have long had; but, +from no unworthy motive, I have shrunk from +talking to you of any particular one: and I feel +pained and shocked, my beloved wife, to know +that you are aware of that lady's having once been +very near, if not very dear, to me in the days of +my early youth."</p> + +<p>"Enough," said I, "enough! Forget that I +know any thing which you wished me not to know, +and assure yourself that I will forget also."</p> + +<p>"You are a wise and good girl," he replied, +kindly pressing the arm that reposed in his: "but +my little aunt is capable of making much mischief +between married persons, where the mind of the +wife is weak, and her temper suspicious."</p> + +<p>But how irritated I was against Lord Charles +that evening! He forced conversation with Pendarves +whenever we passed him, and gave Lady +Bell an opportunity of fixing her dark eyes on +him in a manner which having once seen, I took +care never to see again. I am sure it offended +him as much as it did me; for though Lady Bell +was not absolutely excluded from society, she was +by no means a woman to be forced on the notice +of any man who had a virtuous wife leaning on +his arm; and in returning her bow, Pendarves +had done all that civility required of him: but I +am convinced that Lord Charles wished to give +me pain; and he was also in hopes that I should +resent the appearance of any acquaintance remaining +between the quondam lovers, and thereby +occasion a coolness between my husband and +myself.</p> + +<p>This was the longest and the only painful evening +I had ever passed at Ranelagh; and from that +moment I took such a dislike to it, that I was +very glad when the great heat of the weather made +my usual companions at such places substitute +Vauxhall for Ranelagh. But at Vauxhall the same +lovely and unwelcome vision crossed my path; +and I once overheard a gentleman say, looking +back at my husband, who had stopt to speak to +some ladies, "What a lucky fellow that Pendarves +is! The two finest women in the garden—aye, or +in London, are his wife, and his quondam +mistress." The compliment to myself was deprived +of its power to please me, by these wounding +words, my husband's "quondam mistress." +And was then that disgraceful connexion so well +known? The thought was an overwhelming one, +and I began to resent my husband's having bowed +to this woman in my presence. But perhaps he was +entreated to do so in order to shield her reputation? +If so, could he do otherwise? And as I was always +glad to find an excuse for Pendarves, I satisfied myself +thus, and my recent displeasure was forgotten.</p> + +<p>When we had extended the six weeks we meant +to pass in London to two months, I expressed a +wish of returning into the country; and Seymour +complied with so little reluctance, that I prepared +to return home with a much lighter heart than I +had expected ever to feel again. But Mrs. Pendarves +had a parting gift for me in her own way—a +piece of intelligence which clouded over the +unexpected brilliancy of my home prospects.</p> + +<p>"Well my dear niece," said she, "I am glad +you are going, though I am sorry to part with you; +for I do not like Seymour's friend, Lord Charles +Belmour. He seems to me, my dear, to have, +in the words of the poet,</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">'That low cunning which from fools supplies,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> And aptly too, the means of being wise.'</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">"And I have thought no good of him ever since I +saw him come out of Lady Bell Singleton's house +with your husband."</p> + +<p>"What!" cried I, catching hold of a chair, +for my strength seemed suddenly to fail me, "does +my husband visit Lady Bell?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, that once I am sure he did: but then +I do not doubt but that Lord Charles took him +there; for I am told his great pleasure is to +alienate his married friends from their wives."</p> + +<p>Alas! from what a pinnacle of happiness and +confidence did this foolish woman cast me down +in one moment! Reply I could not; and she went +on to give me one piece of advice, and that was, +never, if I could help it, to admit Lord Charles +within my doors, and to discourage his intimacy +with my husband as much as I could.</p> + +<p>By this time I had a little recovered this overwhelming +blow; and I resolved in self-defence, +and in defence of my husband's character, to tell +her I must believe she was mistaken in thinking +she saw Pendarves come out of Lady Bell's house; +but whether that were true or false, I must request +her to keep such communications to herself in +future, as a wife was the last person whom any +one should presume to inform of the errors of her +husband. But company came in; and soon after +my uncle drove up to the house in his travelling +carriage, and in a few minutes more they were +both on the road to Cornwall. If Seymour, when +he came in, had found me alone with Mrs. Pendarves, +he would have attributed the strange abstraction +of my manner to some information which +she had given me; but he now imputed it to the +head-ach of which I complained; and when my +visitors went he urged me to go and lie down.</p> + +<p>This was unfortunate, as I should have disliked +excessively to tell him what his aunt had seen, +and to let him observe how uneasy the communication +had made me; for I was aware that a wife +whose jealousy is so very apt to take alarm, is as +troublesome to a husband as one whose nerves are +so weak that she goes into a fit at the slightest +noise, and starts at the mere shutting of a door. +Still, my husband's ignorance of the cause of my +indisposition was a great trial to me; for it forced +me to have, for the first time, a secret from him. +And he too, it seemed, was keeping a secret +from me; for, spite of my entreaties that he +would always tell me himself what it might grieve +me to hear from others, he had called on Lady +Bell Singleton, without telling me that he had +done so!</p> + +<p>Alas! I did indeed lie down, and I did indeed +darken my room; but it was to hide my agitation +and my tears: nor till Pendarves went out to +dinner, which, with some difficulty I prevailed on +him to do, did I suffer the light to penetrate into +my apartments, or my swollen eye-lids to be seen +of any one. But then I rose; then, too, I rallied +my spirits; for, in the first place I was cheered +by my husband's affectionate unwillingness to +leave me, and in the next I had nearly convinced +myself that Mrs. Pendarves had not seen him +when she fancied she did.</p> + +<p>By this resolute endeavour to look only on the +bright side, I was enabled when my husband returned, +which he did very early, to receive him +with unforced smiles and cheerfulness.</p> + +<p>The next day we set off immediately after breakfast +on our journey home; and I met my mother +with a countenance so happy, that the look of +anxious inquiry with which she beheld me was +immediately exchanged for one of tearful joy.</p> + +<p>"Thank God! my dearest child," she fervently +exclaimed, "that I see you again, and see you +thus!"</p> + +<p>Why had she looked so anxious, and so inquiringly? +and why was she thus so evidently surprised, +as well as rejoiced?</p> + +<p>No doubt, thought I, she is in correspondence +with our gossiping aunt, and she has told my +mother all she told me.—No doubt, also, she has +all along been that secret source whence was derived +my mother's fear of uniting me to Pendarves.—But +then, was not her information derived from +her husband, and was it not always only too +authentic?</p> + +<p>As these thoughts passed my mind, it was well +for me that my mother was talking to Seymour, +and did not observe me.</p> + +<p>Two months had greatly embellished the appearance +of our abode; and it looked so green and +gay, and was so fragrant from the summer flowers, +that Pendarves, always alive to present objects +and present impressions, exclaimed as we followed +my mother through the grounds, "Dearest Helen! +why should we ever leave this paradise of sweets? +Here let us live and die!"</p> + +<p>"Agreed," said I; and my mother looked at +us with delighted eyes, but eyes that beamed +through tears.</p> + +<p>Calm and tranquil were the months that followed—though +my husband's brow was always clouded +when letters arrived bearing the London post-mark; +and when I asked who his correspondent was, he +answered, "Lord Charles;" but never communicated +to me the contents of these letters.</p> + +<p>In walking, riding, receiving and paying visits, +passed the time till September, when my husband +had an invitation to spend a few days in Norfolk, +on a shooting excursion; and when he returned +he found me confined to my sofa with indisposition. +Never had woman a tenderer nurse than he proved +himself during the three succeeding months: at +the end of that time I was quite recovered; and +as he had business in London, he declared his +intention of going thither for some days, as he +could not bear, he said, to leave me some few +months later, and when a time was approaching +so dear to his wishes and expectations.</p> + +<p>To London therefore he went, and left me to +combat and indulge alternately the fears of a +jealous and the confidence of a tender wife.</p> + +<p>His letters became a study to me. I tried to +find out by his expressions in what state of mind +he wrote. Sometimes I fancied them hurried, +and expressive of a mind not at ease with itself; +then in another passage I read the unembarrassed +eloquence of faithful and confiding love.</p> + +<p>During his absence my mother found me a bad +companion: I was for ever falling into reverie, +and a less penetrating eye than hers would have +discovered that my symptoms were those of +mental uneasiness.</p> + +<p>At length he returned, and he gazed on my +faded cheek and evidently anxious countenance +with such tender concern, that my care-worn brow +instantly resumed its wonted cheerfulness; and +when my mother came to welcome him, she was +surprised at the alteration in my looks.</p> + +<p>"Foolish child!" said she in a faltering voice, +when Pendarves left the room, "Foolish child! +to depend thus for happiness, nay health and life +itself perhaps, on one of frail and human mould! +I see how it is with you: you were ill and anxious +yesterday, but he is come, and you need no other +physician."</p> + +<p>"Did you see much of Lord Charles?" said I +the next day, looking earnestly for my needle +while I spoke, as I was conscious that my countenance +was not tranquil.</p> + +<p>"No—yes—on the whole I did. But why do +you ask? I believe he is no favourite of yours."</p> + +<p>"Certainly not."</p> + +<p>"But I hope, Helen, you are not so <i>very</i> a +wife as to wish me to give up an old friend merely +because he does not please you?"</p> + +<p>"No: I am not so unreasonable, even though +I could give substantial reasons for my dislike."</p> + +<p>"And pray what are these reasons? Oh! that +reminds me of a joke Lord Charles has against +you, Helen. He tells me he is sure you thought +that he fell in love with you when, on being first +presented to you, he expressed his admiration in +his usual frank way, which means nothing; for +he says your prudery took alarm, and you drew +up your beautiful neck to its utmost height, and +have My lorded and Your lordship'd him ever since +into the most awful distance."</p> + +<p>"True; but for a manner that means nothing, +I never saw a manner more offensive to a modest +wife. However, I am very glad he has been so +clear-sighted as to my motives; for I wish him to +know that I do not love such marked homage +from him, or any other friend of yours, even in a +joke."</p> + +<p>"You are piqued, Helen."</p> + +<p>"I am."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps you wish me to call Lord Charles out? +But indeed were I to call out all the men who look +at you with admiring eyes, I should soon sleep with +my fathers, or send numbers to sleep with theirs. +No, no, excuse me, Helen. I will not quarrel +with Lord Charles; for even if the fire ever was +kindled, your snow has now completely extinguished +it; and I do assure you he is a very good +fellow, though odd, and not always pleasant."</p> + +<p>"Is he paying his court to that Lady Bell?" +said I, speaking her name with difficulty, and +preceding it with an impertinent, <i>that</i>.</p> + +<p>"I really—I—cannot say positively. But that +Lady Bell, as you emphatically call her, has quarrelled +with that fine young man whom you saw at +Ranelagh, and perhaps it is on his account."</p> + +<p>I said no more; for I saw his colour heighten, +and that his manner was hurried: and I tried to +believe that the quarrel was wholly on Lord Charles +Belmour's account.</p> + +<p>I now however took myself seriously to task; +for was I not violating a wife's duty in trying to +find errors in the conduct of my husband? and +was I not by so doing endangering my own peace +of mind, my health, and consequently, in my +situation, my life? Was I not also depressing +those spirits, and weakening those powers of exertion +which ought to make home agreeable and +alluring to the dear object of my weak solicitude?</p> + +<p>The result of this severe self-examination was, +that I resolutely determined to turn away from +every anxious and jealous suggestion, to believe +as long as I could, that my husband was as deserving +of my love and confidence when absent as he +was when present, and to make a vigorous effort +to stop myself on my way to being a fretful, jealous, +and miserable wife.</p> + +<p>Nor did I break my resolution, as you well +know, my dear friend; for, if I had, you would +never have even fancied that I deserved to be exhibited +as an example of a wife's duty. But if +I had not begun to school myself when I did, all +would have been over with me.</p> + +<p>I cannot help observing here, that this painful +jealousy, which I endured so early in my married +life, was owing to my having, in despite of my +mother's wise prohibition, united myself to a man +of the steadiness of whose principles I had had +too much reason to doubt; and I could not help +saying to myself sometimes,—"If I had married +De Walden, I should have had none of these misgivings."</p> + +<p>As the hour of my confinement drew nearer and +nearer, Seymour's tender attentions increased; +and at length, after severe suffering I became a +mother; but scarcely had I been allowed to gaze +upon my child, scarcely had I heard its first faint +cry,—that sound which thrills so powerfully +through the heart,—when its voice was stopt by +death, and it closed its eyes for ever.</p> + +<p>I am afraid I should have borne this affliction +very ill, had I not been obliged to exert myself to +quiet the fears of my husband and my mother for +my life, as they thought that the shock might be +fatal.</p> + +<p>I had also to console them; for they were both +grieved and disappointed. But their feelings were +transitory; mine were still in full force when they +believed they were forgotten: for, besides the +sorrow I felt for the loss of that being whose +helpless cry still vibrated in my ears, I felt that +I had lost in it a strong cement to the tie which +bound my husband to me. Nor till I found myself +again likely to become a mother was I really +consoled.</p> + +<p>A circumstance happened which induced me to +conceal my situation; and this was an invitation +which my mother received from the Count De +Walden, to accompany his sister, and her husband +back to Switzerland when they left England, which +they were then visiting, and to stay some months +with him and Ferdinand De Walden.</p> + +<p>This invitation I well knew she would refuse, +if she knew that accepting it would prevent her +being with me during my period of suffering; +and I allowed her to depart for Switzerland, with +the expectation of returning time enough to +attend on me.</p> + +<p>I own that this was a great trial to my selfishness, +as I knew I should miss her greatly: but I +thought the excursion would be so pleasing a one +to her, that I felt it my duty to make the sacrifice. +I suffered my husband to remain in ignorance also, +lest he should betray me to her: and I had judged +rightly; for when I owned the truth to him, it +was with great difficulty I could prevail on him +not to write, and say I had deceived her.</p> + +<p>Alas! I had but too much reason to regret even +this deception, which might be called a virtuous +one.</p> + +<p>It so happened that I had no married friend, +or near relation, who could come to be with me at +that time; and as Pendarves wished me to have +a female companion, I was induced to accept the +eagerly proffered services of a young lady, the +eldest daughter of a numerous family, who had +conceived a great attachment to my husband and +me, and was very solicitous to be with me during +my confinement.</p> + +<p>This girl had such a warm and open manner, +that I fancied her one of the most artless of human +beings; and I was so weak as to consider the +gross flattery which she lavished on me and on +Pendarves, as the honest overflowings of an affectionate +heart.</p> + +<p>I was, I own, a little startled when she used +to kiss my husband's picture as it lay on my table, +when she became my guest, and when I saw her +come behind him, and cut off a lock of his hair, +but as she afterwards begged for a piece of mine, +that she might unite them in a locket, I considered +this little circumstance as nothing but a flight of +girlish romance.</p> + +<p>What Pendarves thought of it I know not; but +he blushed excessively when he saw that I observed +it, and tried to take the hair from her; on which +a sort of romping ensued, that I thought vulgar, +I own; but it called forth no other feeling.</p> + +<p>Perhaps had she been handsome I should not +have been so easy; but she was in my eyes plain +and could scarcely, I thought, be called a fine +girl. Besides, I had heard Seymour say she was +dowdy and awkward. But few men are proof +against the flatteries and attentions of any woman +who is not old and ugly; and I soon found, though +without any jealous fear, that Charlotte Jermyn +had power to amuse my husband, and that her +enthusiastic admiration of every thing which she +liked was a source of never-failing entertainment +to him.</p> + +<p>He now was sufficiently intimate with her, he +thought, to venture to hint the necessity of a +reform in her dress; and she wore better clothes, +became clean, if not neat, and in time she even +learnt to look rather tidy; while Pendarves was +flattered to see the effect of his admonitions, and +used to reward her by challenging her to a long +walk.</p> + +<p>At length, after I had been confined to my sofa +some weeks, I had the happiness of giving birth +to a daughter; and my young nurse was most +kind and assiduous in her attendance upon me; +indeed, so much so that she often shortened my +husband's visits, on the kind plea that I was not +yet strong enough to bear long ones from one so +dear; and I, though reluctantly, dismissed him.</p> + +<p>But I soon observed that her own visits became +very short; that she used still to kiss me, and +call me "dearest creature!" and tell me how +beautiful I looked in my night-cap: but now, +when I asked for her I was told that she was gone +out with Pendarves. And once, as he was standing +by my bedside, she was not contented with saying +he had been with me long enough, but she linked +her arm in his, and dragged him away in a manner +at once hoydenish and familiar.</p> + +<p>I also saw that though she loaded my sweet baby +with caresses when he was present, and tried to +take her from him, she scarcely noticed it when +he was absent.</p> + +<p>Still I felt no distrust, because I had confidence +in my husband's honour and affection. But I +now saw that the countenances of my nurse and +my maid, when I inquired for Miss Jermyn, +used to assume an angry expression; and once +my maid, muttered, that she supposed she was +with her master, for he could not stir but she +was after him.</p> + +<p>This I did not seem to hear; but it made me +thoughtful.</p> + +<p>When I had been confined three weeks, I was +able to leave my chamber for my dressing-room, +which overlooked the garden; and one day, as I +ventured to the window for the first time, I saw +Charlotte Jermyn walking with my husband, and +ever and anon hanging on his arm, almost leaning +her head against him occasionally, and looking up +in his face (he the while reading a book) with an +expression of fondness which alarmed and disgusted +me. I then saw her snatch the book from him; +and as he tried to regain it, a great romping match +ensued, and lasted till they ran out of my sight, +and left me pale, motionless, and miserable. For +I found that I had been exposing my husband to +the allurements of a coquettish romp; and though +I acquitted both him and her of aught that was +wrong, I still felt that no prudent wife would place +the man she loved in such a situation.</p> + +<p>Many, many a wife, it is well known, has had +to rue the hour when at a period like this she +has introduced into her family a young and seemingly +attached friend.</p> + +<p>What was to be done? I saw that the servants +were aware of what was passing, and they would +not judge with the candour that I did.</p> + +<p>I therefore convinced myself that regard for my +husband's reputation, and not jealousy, determined +me to get down stairs and out again as fast +as possible, in order that I might make some +excuse for sending my dangerous attendant away, +or at least be a guard over her conduct.</p> + +<p>But, to my great surprise and joy, my beloved +mother arrived most unexpectedly that morning; +for I had insisted on her not returning sooner on +my account, as I was so well. However, she did +come; and I received her with rapture for more +reasons than one; for now I had an excuse for +sending Miss Jermyn away directly, as I wanted +the best room for my mother.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, I told her that in two day's time +my mother would take up her abode with us for +a few weeks; and that as Mrs. Jermyn had long +been desirous of her return, I hoped she would +hold herself in readiness to set off for home on the +next day but one, as my mother always slept in +the room which <i>she</i> occupied.</p> + +<p>"O dearest Mrs. Seymour! do not send me +away from you," cried the strange girl, clasping +and wringing her hands, "or I shall die with grief; +for I shall think you do not love me, and I shall +never survive it!"</p> + +<p>The time for my belief in such rhodomontade +was now happily past, and I coolly replied, "that +in no other but the best and most convenient room +in the house could I allow my mother to sleep; +therefore she must go."</p> + +<p>"Why so, Mrs. Seymour? I can sleep any +where. There is a press bed in the little room; +and I care not where I sleep, so I am but permitted +to stay."</p> + +<p>Here she attempted to throw her arms fondly +round me, while she repeated, "Do, there's a +sweet woman, do let me stay!"</p> + +<p>"Impossible!" I replied, disengaging myself +with a look of aversion from her embrace. On +which she started up and exclaimed,</p> + +<p>"I am sure some one has been telling you stories +of me, and you are set against me!"</p> + +<p>"There is no one in this house, Miss Jermyn, +who would presume to say any thing to me against +any guest of mine."</p> + +<p>"And pray, does Mr. Pendarves know I am to +be sent away at a moment's warning?"</p> + +<p>"He does not yet know that you are going +away at two day's notice, to make room for my +mother, and that I may enjoy her society, after a +long absence, uninterrupted."</p> + +<p>"Oh! if that be all, I will promise never to +interrupt your <i>tête-à-têtes</i>."</p> + +<p>"They will not be <i>tête-à-têtes</i>: my husband +will be of our party."</p> + +<p>"And pray," answered she with great sullenness, +"how am I to go home? I am sure Mr. +Pendarves will not approve of my going home in +the stage without a protector."</p> + +<p>"Nor would his wife: and I will settle the +mode of conveyance with him."</p> + +<p>"Oh! if I must go, I will see if I cannot +settle that myself."</p> + +<p>At this moment my mother entered the room, +and with her my husband; and Miss, to hide her +disordered countenance, abruptly disappeared.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter with Miss Jermyn?" said +Seymour: and I told him, but in a voice that was +not as assured as I wished it to be.</p> + +<p>"So soon!" cried he, starting. "Is it not +too sudden? Will it not look as if she was sent +away in a hurry?"</p> + +<p>"Sent away in a hurry!" exclaimed my mother, +looking earnestly in his face. "Why should any +one suspect that?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, dear! No one ought, certainly; but +after her having staid so long—However, I think +she has been here long enough, and the sooner +she goes the better."</p> + +<p>"Then, as you think thus, and her mother has +long wished for her, her departure shall remain +fixed for the day after to-morrow, and"—Here I +was interrupted by Seymour's being called out of +the room: he did not return for some minutes; +when he did, he seemed disturbed.</p> + +<p>During his absence the nurse brought me my +child; and both my mother and myself were too +agreeably engaged with her to talk of Charlotte +Jermyn. But Seymour's evident abstraction and +uneasy countenance drew my mother's attention +to him; and after a moment's thought she said, +"That seems a very strange presuming girl, Seymour; +and I really think with you it is time she +were gone."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, certainly! and she is very willing +to go."</p> + +<p>"So much the better," replied my mother; +while I suppressed, for fear of alarming her suspicions, +the "How do you know that?" which was +on my lips; for, if her feelings were so changed, he +must have changed them; and she it was who +had desired him to be called out of the room.</p> + +<p>Seymour's horses now came to the door; but +before he left us I begged to know how he meant +Miss Jermyn should travel.</p> + +<p>"She came," said I, "in the coach which passes +our gate; but then her mother's maid came with +her, and I cannot spare a servant to attend her."</p> + +<p>"I can drive her home in my curricle: if we +set off at five in the morning, we can perform the +journey with ease before dark."</p> + +<p>Pendarves said this in a hurried conscious manner, +which did not escape the quick eye of my +mother; and while I hesitated how I could best +word my decided objection to this plan, which +would I knew excite disagreeable observations +amongst the servants, that ever watchful friend +replied, "Hear my plan, which is far better than +yours. The mornings are yet dark and cold at +five: lend me your horses for my chariot; and as +I want to visit a friend of De Walden's, who lives +half way to Mr. Jermyn's, with whom I have +business, I will take this opportunity of going. +My maid shall accompany us, and while I stay at +Mr. Dumont's she shall see Miss Jermyn safe to +her father's."</p> + +<p>"Well, if Miss Jermyn likes this plan."</p> + +<p>"She would prefer going with you, no doubt," +said I smiling; "but as this plan will be a convenience +to my mother, we need not consult her +wishes."</p> + +<p>"O no! very true, very true," said he in a +fluttered tone (<i>but not owning that he had promised +to drive her</i>): "and when I return from my +ride, I shall expect to find you have arranged +every thing with her."</p> + +<p>He then ran down stairs and galloped off, as if +to avoid speaking to Charlotte; for I saw her from +the window run along the path to the road, to +catch his eye if she could, and give him a signal +to stop and speak to her.</p> + +<p>Soon after she joined us; and I thought I saw +a triumphant meaning on her countenance, which +increased to a look of almost avowed exultation, +when, on my saying, "Now let us tell you how +we have arranged matters for your journey," she +eagerly interrupted me, and exclaimed, "Oh! I +have arranged that with Mr. Pendarves, and he +is to drive me in his curricle."</p> + +<p>I did not answer her, for her look disconcerted +me; but my mother did, coldly saying, "Mr. +Pendarves did mean to do so, but for my convenience +he has changed his plan."</p> + +<p>She then went on to inform her what the new +plan was; and the mortified indignant girl burst +into tears, and left the room.</p> + +<p>"That is a very self-willed, pernicious young +person, I suspect," observed my mother: "but I +flatter myself that her journey with me will do +her some good; at least, if it does not, it shall +not be my fault."</p> + +<p>Then, being too wise and too delicate to say +more, she changed the subject: nor was any allusion +made to Miss Jermyn till Seymour returned +on foot; for he left his horse at the stables; and +as he saw us in the drawing-room, which was on +the ground floor, he came in at the window, being +impatient, he said, to welcome me down stairs.</p> + +<p>But he had probably another reason for that +mode of entrance. He feared, I suspect, that +Charlotte Jermyn would want to speak to him, +and he was not disposed to listen to her reproaches +for having given up his design of driving her home.</p> + +<p>My suspicions were confirmed by my seeing her +walking along the path which commanded the +approach to the house, and this path Seymour had +avoided by going to the stables: but she did not +long remain there, for on looking towards the house +she saw my husband standing at the window with +me, with one arm round my waist, while with his +other hand he was stroking the cheek of the child +which I held to my bosom, and was rocking to rest.</p> + +<p>Happy as I was at this moment, I could not +help throwing a hasty glance towards this strange +girl, who now rapidly drew near; and as she +passed the window curtsied to us, with a countenance +in which every unamiable feeling seemed +to be uppermost.</p> + +<p>She then threw open the hall door with violence, +threw it to with the same force, then ran to her +own chamber, and closed the door of that with +such energy that it could be heard all over the +house. Nor did we see her again till dinner, when, +though she had taken uncommon pains with her +dress, her eyes were swelled with crying, and her +whole appearance so indicative of gentle sorrow +that Seymour's voice softened even into tenderness +when he addressed her, and mine was consequently +as strikingly cold and severe. Meanwhile, my +mother was a silent but an observant spectator; +and both Pendarves and Miss Jermyn seemed oppressed +by the penetrating glance of her eye.</p> + +<p>In the evening Seymour proposed reading to us +aloud; and as I wished to sit up late for reasons +you may easily guess, I was glad of so good an +excuse as staying to hear an interesting book would +be: but I had reason to repent having allowed +feeling to prevail over prudence: for when my +mother came to me the next day she found I had +caught cold, and, together with the fatigue of +sitting up too late, was in no condition to go +down that day at all. Nor could my mother bear +to leave me: consequently, I had the mortification +of finding that in trying to avoid a slight evil I +had fallen into a greater. But my mother, who +had, I doubt not, heard from her maid what the +servants had observed, requested Miss Jermyn +would be so kind as to sit with us, and teach her +two sorts of work which she excelled in; and she +could not without great incivility refuse compliance. +However, at the hour when she was accustomed to +walk with Seymour, she started up, declaring she +could stay no longer, because it was her last day +there, and she was sure Mr. Pendarves would +walk with her. We could not object to this on +any proper ground; and she was putting her +knitting and netting into her work bag, when we +heard a carriage drive to the door, and a servant +came up to inform me that Lord Charles Belmour +was below, and his master desired him to say he +meant to dine with us.</p> + +<p>Little did I think that Lord Charles would ever +be a welcome guest to me; but at this moment +he was so, for I saw that Charlotte Jermyn looked +disappointed. My joy however vanished when I +recollected that it was by no means desirable Lord +Charles should witness this indiscreet girl's evident +attachment to Pendarves; and just before she +went to her own apartment, my mother said, to +my great relief, "You must then dine with us +to-day, Miss Jermyn; for you are too young and +too old at the same time to be the only female at a +table where Lord Charles Belmour is."</p> + +<p>"Well, if I <i>must</i>, I must," was her reply; +and she left us.</p> + +<p>But while I was rejoicing that circumstances +would force her to dine with us, I heard her rapidly +ascending the stairs; and throwing open the door +hastily, she told us, with a look of delight, that +she was going to walk; for Lord Charles had +brought his sister Lady Harriet with him, whom +he was conveying home from school for the holidays, +and Mr. Pendarves had told her she must +do the honours to the young lady as I was not +able to attend her. "And so," she added, "I +must also dine below, for he told me so." And +without waiting for our opinion or reply, she again +disappeared, and we soon after saw her laughing +with Lord Charles on the lawn, as if she had +known him for years.</p> + +<p>"How he will show her off," said my mother, +"to-day! That young man has more ingenuous +malignity about him than any one I ever saw. +When I was nursing Seymour at Oxford, he came +to see him; and in order to make the poor invalid +laugh, he used to make masters, deans, and fellow-commoners +pass in rapid succession before us, +like the distorted figures in a magic lantern."</p> + +<p>This view of what was likely to happen was a +relief to my mind; for I had not expected that +Lord Charles would try to draw her forth for his +own amusement; I had feared he would be contented +to amuse himself with observing her admiration +of Pendarves.</p> + +<p>When they returned from their walk, I was +vexed to observe that Lady Harriet held her brother's +arm, not my husband's; and I also saw that +Charlotte leaned on him, and looked up in his +face in the same improper manner as she did when +they were alone. I was very glad that Lord Charles +and his sister walked before them.</p> + +<p>Pendarves now came up stairs to beg, as I was +not able to dine below, or see Lord Charles otherwise, +that I would go to the window and kiss my +hand to him in token of welcome; for that he +was afraid to stay, because he believed he was a +disagreeable guest, and that I kept up stairs merely +because he was come. He also begged that I would +after dinner admit Lady Harriet for a few minutes.</p> + +<p>I promised compliance with both these requests, +and went to the window directly.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles answered my really cordial salutation +with a most lowly bow, and a countenance +meant to express every thing that was respectful +and courteous, and drew from my mother, to whom +he also bowed, the observation of "Graceful +coxcomb!" Now do I fancy him saying within himself, +'There, I have made that haughty old woman +believe that I respect her and her loftiness to her +heart's content.'</p> + +<p>Pendarves could not help smiling at this right +reading, as it probably was, of his satirical friend's +thoughts: but he assured her that admiration the +most unbounded was, as well as respect, felt by +his friend towards her; and that he considered a +woman of her age as in the prime of her charms.</p> + +<p>"Nonsense!" cried my mother; and my husband, +laughing, returned to Lord Charles.</p> + +<p>Charlotte Jermyn did not come to us before she +went down to dinner, as she had Lady Harriet +with her; but, when they left the dinner-room, +I desired to see them in mine: and for the first +time I thought her pretty; for her cheeks glowed +with a very brilliant and becoming colour, which +added to the fire of her eyes; and her dress was +neat and lady-like. She had the countenance, +too, of one who had been much commended, and +felt certain that the commendations were sincere.</p> + +<p>"I am glad she is going to-morrow," said I +mentally, and I sighed at the same time. Lady +Harriet was a good foil to her, except in manners: +for there could be no comparison: and by the +side of Lady Harriet, Miss Jermyn was pretty.</p> + +<p>As soon as they had had coffee the brother and +sister drove off, but not before Lord Charles had +fixed to return that day fortnight to dinner, on +condition of my dining below.</p> + +<p>When they were gone my mother went down +to make the tea; and after that meal was ended +she asked if there was any objection to Seymour's +going on in my dressing-room with the book which +he began the night before, and in his reading till +it was time for me to go to rest.</p> + +<p>He complied instantly, and read till I was +tired.</p> + +<p>My mother then proposed that he should read +me to sleep: to this also he agreed, and while I +lay with the curtains closed round, my mother, +he and Charlotte sat round the fire; and it was +eleven before I ceased to hear, and Pendarves +retired to his own chamber.</p> + +<p>My mother then went away, desiring Charlotte +to be ready at six, as she should breakfast with +her at that hour. But, as I afterwards found, +she reached our house on foot before six, and just +as Pendarves came down stairs.</p> + +<p>By these apparently undesigned circumstances +my mother prevented any scene that might have +called forth unpleasant observations in the family; +but, she could not prevent a most sorrowful parting +on the side of the young lady. She wept, she +sobbed, she leaned against Seymour's shoulder +when he put his lips to her cheek; and he was +nearly obliged to carry her to the carriage; for +she declared she would not go till she had taken +leave of me: but my mother was as positive that +I should not be disturbed, and Pendarves gently +forced her to the door.</p> + +<p>What passed between my mother and her when +they were on the journey and alone,—for the maid +always preferred travelling outside,—I do not know: +but I suspect that she animadverted on her conduct +and want of self-control in a manner more judicious +than pleasant.</p> + +<p>During these vexatious occurrences I must own +that it was a sort of comfort to me, that my aunt +Pendarves had such inflamed eyes that she could +not write; for otherwise the chances were that +she might hear some exaggerated accounts of our +visitor's conduct, and might think it necessary to +address one of us on the subject, and give us good +advice.</p> + +<p>Well: this pernicious girl was gone, and my +mind at ease again. Still, I feared that she had +done me a serious injury: not that I believed she +had alienated my husband's heart from me, or +from propriety; but she had been the first person +to accustom him to find amusement at home independent +of me and of the exertion of my talents. +He was an indolent man, and she had amused +him, and beguiled away his hours, without +obliging him to any exertion of mind. Besides, +she was not only a new companion, but a new +conquest. He was certainly flattered by it, and +evidently interested. I was led to draw these +conclusions by observing the gapish state into +which Pendarves fell the day after her departure.</p> + +<p>He seemed to miss an accustomed dram. He +gave me indeed, on my requesting it, a lesson in +Spanish, which I had long neglected; but he +seemed to do it as if it was a trouble, and he was +too absent to make the lesson of much use. I +however forbore to remark what I could not but +painfully feel, and I fancied that my best plan +would be to contrive some new objects of interest +at home, if I could: but on second thoughts I +resolved to propose that he should visit a sick +friend of his at Malvern hills, for a few days, as +I believed it not to be for my interest he should +stay to contrast his present with his late home; +but that he should go away to return from an +invalid and the cold hills of Malvern, to me and +his own comfortable dwelling.</p> + +<p>I no sooner named my plan to him than he +eagerly caught at it, declaring that he wished to +go, but feared that I should think the wish unkind. +Accordingly, he only staid to see my mother +comfortably settled as my guest, and then set off +for Malvern. Nor did he return till three or four +days before he expected Lord Charles. By that +time I had recovered my bloom and my strength, +and our infant had acquired a fortnight's growth,—an +interesting event in the life of a young parent; +and I assure you it was thought such by Pendarves: +and while he complimented me on my restored +comeliness, and held his little Helen in his arms, +I felt that he had no thought or wish beyond those +whom he clasped and looked upon.</p> + +<p>I could now join him again in his walks, and in +his rides or drives.</p> + +<p>My mother threw a great charm over our evenings +by her descriptions of the country which she +had so lately seen, and of the scientific men with +whom she had associated. But Seymour and I +both fancied that she was rather reserved and embarrassed +when she talked of Count De Walden. +Nor could I help being desirous of finding out the +reason. One day I told her how sorry I was to +think that she shortened her agreeable visit entirely +on my account; but, as if thrown off her guard, +she eagerly replied, "Oh, no! I was very glad of +an excuse for coming away;" and this was followed +by such manifest confusion of countenance and +manner, that I suspected the reason, and at last +I prevailed on her to confess it.</p> + +<p>The truth was that Count De Walden, who had +admired her in America, when she was a wife, as +much as an honourable man can admire the wife +of another, could not live in the same house with +a woman still lovely, and even more than ever intellectual +and agreeable, without feeling for her a +very sincere affection; and as their ages were +suitable, he made her proposals of marriage of the +most advantageous and generous nature. But my +mother could not love again: and though at her +time of life, and that of her lover, she thought +that mutual esteem and the wish to secure a companion +for declining years was a sufficient excuse +for a second marriage; still, she had an unconquerable +aversion to form any connexion, and +more especially one which would remove her to +such a distance from me. When she told me how +strongly she had been solicited, and that the advantages +which she should ultimately secure to +me by this union were held up to her in so seducing +a light, as nearly once to overset her resolution, +I was so overcome by the thought of the escape +which I had had, that I threw my arms round her, +and bursting into an agony of tears exclaimed, +"What could have ever made me amends for +losing you? The very idea of it kills me."</p> + +<p>My mother was excessively affected when I said +this; but I soon saw that her tears were not tears +of tenderness alone; and looking at me with an +expression of sadness on her countenance, she +said, "Two years ago, my poor child, you would +have better borne the idea of such a separation; +and had I been a jealous person I should have been +hurt to see how completely a husband can supersede +even a mother. But I was pleased to see +this, because I saw in it a proof that you were a +happy wife: but perhaps you have now an idea, +though still a happy wife I trust, of the great +value of a parent, and can appreciate more justly +that love which nothing can ever alienate, or ever +render less."</p> + +<p>What could I answer her, and how?</p> + +<p>I did not attempt to speak, but I continued to +hold her in my arms, and at last I could utter, +"No, no, I never, never can bear to part with you."</p> + +<p>That day Lord Charles Belmour came, according +to his promise, and just as I had convinced myself +that it was my duty to overcome my dislike +to him, and to endeavour to convert him from an +enemy into a friend. Accordingly, I went <ins title="original has to down">down to</ins> +dinner prepared to receive him with even smiles; +but recollecting, when I saw him, his impudent +assertion, that his admiration of me meant +nothing, and that I was an alarmed prude, my +usual coldness came over me, while the deepest +blushes dyed my cheeks.</p> + +<p>However, I extended my hand to him, which +he kissed and pressed; and as he relinquished it +he turned up his eyes and muttered "Angelic +woman!" in a manner so equivocal, that, consistent +as it seemed with "his joke against me," I could +not help giving way to evident laughter.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles was too quick of apprehension to +be affronted at my mirth; on the contrary he felt +assured and flattered by it. He had expressed +his admiration only in derision and impertinence, +and as he saw that I understood him, he felt we +were much nearer being friends than we had ever +been before; and when our eyes met, a look +almost amounting to one of kindness passed +between us. Lord Charles now became particularly +animated; but some allusion which he made +to Lady Bell Singleton, while addressing my +husband, made me distrustful again, and I relapsed +into my usual manner; and he was My Lord and +Your Lordship, during the rest of the dinner. +Nor could I be insensible to the look of menace +which I subsequently beheld in his countenance. +It was not long before the storm burst on my devoted +head.</p> + +<p>"My dear madam," said he in his most affected +manner, "you are a prodigiously kind and obliging +help-mate, to provide your <i>caro sposo</i> with +so charming a <i>locum tenens</i> when you are confined +to your apartments. I found my friend here with +the prettiest young creature for a companion! and +then so loving she was!"</p> + +<p>"Loving!" said I involuntarily.</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes. Allow me to give you an idea of +her." Immediately, to the great annoyance of +my husband, with all his powers of mimickry, +he exhibited the manner and look of Charlotte +Jermyn, when looking up in Seymour's face, and +leaning against his arm, as I had myself seen her do.</p> + +<p>"Is not that like her?"</p> + +<p>"Very," replied I forcing a laugh.</p> + +<p>"Now shall I mimick your husband, and show +you how <i>he</i> looked in return? Shall I paint the +bashful but delighted consciousness which his look +expressed—the stolen glance, the—"</p> + +<p>"Hush, hush!" cried Pendarves, anger struggling +with confusion. "This is fancy painting, +and I like nothing but portraits."</p> + +<p>During this time I observed a struggle in my +mother's breast, and I sat in terror lest she should +say something severe to the noble mimick, and +make matters worse.</p> + +<p>But after this evident struggle, which I alone +observed, she leaned her arms on the table, and +fixed her powerful eyes steadfastly on Lord Charles, +looking at him as if she would have dived into the +inmost recesses of his heart.</p> + +<p>It was in vain that he endeavoured to escape +their searching glance; even his assurance felt +abashed, and his malignant spirit awed, till his +audacious and ill-intentioned banter was looked +into silence, and he asked for another bumper of +claret to drink my health. I was before overpowered +with gratitude to the judicious yet quiet +interference of this admirable parent, and the +recollection of our morning's conversation was still +present to me. No wonder, therefore, that my +spirits were easily affected, and that I felt my eyes +fill with tears.</p> + +<p>At this moment I luckily heard my child cry; +and faltering out, "Hark! that was my child's +voice," I hastened to the door; but unfortunately +the pocket-hole of my muslin gown caught in the +arm of my mother's chair, and Lord Charles insisted +on extricating me.</p> + +<p>I could now no longer prevent the tears from +flowing down my cheeks; which being perceived +by him, he said, in a sort of undertone, "Amiable +sensibility! There I see a mother's feelings!" +On which my mother, provoked beyond endurance, +said, in a low voice, but I overheard it, "My +lord, my daughter has a wife's feelings also."</p> + +<p>I was now disengaged happily, and I ran out +of the room.</p> + +<p>When I arrived in the nursery I found I was +not wanted. I therefore retired to my own apartment, +where I gave way to a violent burst of tears. +I had scarcely recovered myself, and had bathed +my eyes again and again in rose water, when my +husband entered the room.</p> + +<p>He had witnessed my emotion, and he could +not be easy without coming to inquire after me, +on pretence that the child's cry had alarmed +him.</p> + +<p>This affectionate attention was not lost upon +me, and I went down stairs with him with restored +spirits, and in perfect composure.</p> + +<p>My mother, who had walked to her own house, +was only just entering the door as we appeared; +therefore Lord Charles had been left alone; and +whether he thought this an affront to his dignity +or not, I cannot tell; but we did not find him in +a more amiable mood than when we left him.</p> + +<p>After looking at me very earnestly, while sipping +his coffee, he came close up to me, and said, +resuming his most affected tone, "Pray! what +eye-water do you use?"</p> + +<p>"Rose water only," was my reply.</p> + +<p>"Very bad, 'pon honour; I must send you +some of mine, as you are a person of exquisite +sensibility, and I fancy it is likely to be tried. +Upon my word, it took me a week to compose it; +and as I occasionally read novels, and the <i>Tête-à-tête +Magazine</i>, (which is, you know, exceedingly +affecting), I use it continually in order to preserve +the lustre of my eyes; and you see that in spite +of my acute feelings they retain all their pristine +brilliancy."</p> + +<p>As he said this, neither Pendarves nor myself, +though provoked at his noticing my swelled eyes, +could retain our gravity; for the eyes, which he +had thus opened to their utmost extent, were of +that description known by the name of boiled +gooseberries, and were really dead eyes, except +when the rays of satirical intelligence forced themselves +through them: for the sake of exciting a +laugh, he had now dismissed from them every +trace of meaning, and consequently every tint of +colour.</p> + +<p>His purpose effected, he resumed his sarcastic +expression; and turning from me with a look +full of sarcastic meaning, he said, "Ah! <i>comme +de coutume</i>—after tragedy comes farce."</p> + +<p>My mother now asked him whether he had ever +seen her house and garden; and on his answering +in the negative, she challenged him to take a walk +with her.</p> + +<p>"I never," replied he, bowing very low, "refused +the challenge of a fine woman in my life; +and till my horses come round, I am at your +service, madam." Then, hiding his real chagrin +under a thousand impertinent grimaces, he followed +my mother.</p> + +<p>"I would give something to hear their conversation," +said Pendarves, thoughtfully.</p> + +<p>"And so would I: no doubt it will be monitory +on her part."</p> + +<p>"Monitory! What for?"</p> + +<p>"If you do not know, I am sure I shall not +tell you."</p> + +<p>And with an expression of conscious +embarrassment on his countenance, my husband asked +me to walk with him round the shrubbery.</p> + +<p>My mother and Lord Charles did not return +till the carriage was driving up. We examined +their countenances with a very scrutinizing eye; +but on my mother's all we could distinguish was +her usual expression of placid and dignified intelligence; +that of Lord Charles exhibited its usual +<i>cattish</i> and alarming look.</p> + +<p>What had passed, therefore, we could not guess; +but we saw very clearly, that we should not be +justified in joking on the subject of their <i>tête-à-tête</i>; +and simply saying that it was beyond the +time fixed for his departure, Lord Charles now +respectfully kissed my hand, and told Pendarves +he hoped he should soon see him in London. He +then left the room without taking the smallest +notice of my mother, and was driving off before +my husband could ask him a reason of conduct +so strange.</p> + +<p>"Pray, madam," said Pendarves, when he +returned into the room, "did Lord Charles take +leave of you?"</p> + +<p>"He did not."</p> + +<p>"Then I solemnly declare that before we ever +meet again he shall give me a sufficient reason for +his impertinence, or apologize to you; for there +lives not the being who shall dare, while I live, to +affront you with impunity."</p> + +<p>"My dear, dear son," cried my mother, "look +not so like, so <i>very</i> like—"</p> + +<p>Here her voice failed her, and she leant on +Seymour's shoulder, while he affectionately +embraced her. Dear to my heart were any tokens +of love which passed between my mother and my +husband.</p> + +<p>Seymour's strong likeness to my father in moments +of great excitement always affected her thus, +and endeared him to her.</p> + +<p>When my mother recovered herself, she desired +Pendarves would remain quiet, and not trouble +himself to revenge her quarrels.</p> + +<p>"Indeed," said she, "I am much flattered, +and not affronted, by the rudeness of Lord Charles, +as it proves that what I said to him gave him the +pain which I intended. The wound therefore +will rankle for some time, and produce a good +effect. Nor should I be surprised if he were to +send me a letter of apology in a day or two; for, +if I read him aright, he has understanding enough +to value the good opinion of a respectable woman, +and would rather be on amicable terms with me +than not."</p> + +<p>"I hope you are right," replied Pendarves; +"for I do not wish to quarrel with him: yet I +will never own as my friend the man who fails in +respect to you."</p> + +<p>"I thank you, my dear son," said my mother +with great feeling, and the evening passed in the +most delightful and intimate communion. Nor I +really believe, were Charlotte Jermyn or Lord +Charles again remembered. So true is it, that +when the tide of family affection runs smooth and +unbroken, it bears the bark of happiness securely +on its bosom.</p> + +<p>Shortly after Lord Charles's visit I was so unwell, +that I was forbidden to nurse my child any longer, +and I had to endure the painful trial of weaning +and surrendering her to the bosom of another. +But most evils in this life, even to our mortal +vision, are attended with a counter-balancing +good.</p> + +<p>At this time it was the height of the gay season +in London, and I saw that my husband began to +grow tired of home, and sigh for the busy scenes +of the metropolis, whither, had I been still a +nurse, I could not have accompanied him: but +now, however unwilling I might be to leave my +infant, I felt that it must not interfere with the +duty which I owed its father; for my mother had +often said, and my own observation confirmed the +truth of the saying, that alienation between husband +and wife has often originated in the woman's +losing sight of the duty and attention she owes the +father of her children, in exclusive fondness and +attention to the children themselves, and she often +warned me against falling into this error.</p> + +<p>She therefore highly approved my intention to +leave my babe under her care, and accompany +Pendarves to London, where she well knew he +was exposed to temptations and to dangers against +which my presence might probably secure him.</p> + +<p>"Yes: my child!" said she, as if thinking +aloud, for I am sure she did not intend to grieve +me, "Yes, go with your husband while you can, +and have as few separate pleasures and divided +hours as possible; for they lead to divided hearts. +But if you have a large family you will not be +able to leave home. Go therefore while you can, +and while I am with you, and turn me to account +while I am still here to serve you. That time I +know will be short enough!"</p> + +<p>It is not in the power of language to convey an +adequate idea of the agony with which I listened +to these words. Never before had my mother so +pointedly alluded to her conviction that her health +was decaying; and if the idea of separation from +her by a happy marriage was so painful to my +feelings, what must be the idea of that terrible +and eternal separation?</p> + +<p>Pendarves came in in the midst of my distress +and almost fiercely demanded who had been so +cruelly afflicting me, fearing, no doubt, that I +had heard something concerning him, and naturally +enough conceiving that no great grief could +reach me, except through that or from him.</p> + +<p>My mother gently replied, "She has been afflicting +herself, foolish child! I said, unwillingly +I allow, what might have prepared her for an +unavoidable evil; but she chooses to fancy, poor +thing! that I am not mortal: yet, see here, Seymour!" +As she said this she turned up her long +loose sleeves, and showed him her once fine arm +fallen away comparatively to nothing!</p> + +<p>I never saw my husband much more affected: +he seized that faded arm, and, pressing it repeatedly +to his lips, turned away and burst into +tears—then folding us in one embrace he faltered +out, "My poor Helen! Well indeed might I find +you thus!" But my mother solemnly promised +that she would never so afflict me again.</p> + +<p>In the midst of this scene a letter was brought +to my mother. It was from Lord Charles, and +was so like the man, that I shall transcribe it.</p> +<blockquote> +<p>"Madam,</p> + +<p><span class="ind2"> </span>"I doubt not but you were amazed, +and probably offended, at my quitting the house +of your son-in-law without taking leave of you, +as you are not a woman likely to think my silence +at the moment of parting from you was to be +attributed to the tender passion which I had conceived +for your beauty and accomplishments. +But, madam, if my silence was not attributable +to love, so neither was it caused by hate; and I +beg leave, hat in hand, and on bended knee, to +explain whence my conduct proceeded. In the +first place, madam, you had given me a blow, a +stunning blow; and after a man has been stunned, +he does not soon recover himself sufficiently to +know what he is about, and how he ought to +behave. In the next place, I endeavoured to remember +how the great Earl of Essex behaved +when Queen Elizabeth gave him a blow, or in +other words a box on the ear (for blow I need not +tell a lady of your erudition is the <i>genus</i>, and +box on the ear the <i>species</i>). Now that noble Earl +did not return the blow (which I own I was very +much inclined to do), but he departed in silence +from her presence, I believe; and so <i>I</i> in imitation +of <i>him</i> from yours. Methinks I hear you exclaim +'The little lord is mad! I gave him no blow.' +Not with your hand, I own; but with your tongue, +'that unruly member,' as St. James so justly +calls it; you gave me a tingling blow on the cheek +of my mind, which it still feels, and for which perhaps +it may be the better. It is this consideration, +and the belief that your motives were kind, though +your treatment was rough, and that you only +meant, like the bear in the fable, to guard me +from a slight evil, though you broke my head in +doing it; it is this belief, I say, that now throws +me thus a suppliant at your feet, and makes me +beg of you to excuse all my rudeness, and all my +faults, whether caused by imitation of Lord Essex, +or my own sinful propensities, and to raise me +up to receive not the kiss of peace, for to that I +dare not aspire, but to grasp and carry to my +heart the white hand tendered to me in token of +forgiveness.</p> + +<p>"I am, madam, with the liveliest esteem, and +the deepest respect, your obliged, though stricken +servant,</p> + +<p class="right">"<span class="smallcaps">Charles Firebrand.</span>"<span class="ind2"> </span></p> +</blockquote> + +<p>"Ridiculous person!" said my mother, when +she had finished the letter, giving it to me at the +same time.</p> + +<p>When I had read it, I asked her to tell us what +she had said to him. "And why," said Pendarves, +"does he sign himself Charles Firebrand?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! thereby hangs a tale," said my mother +blushing, "which I, I assure you, shall not tell: +therefore ask me no questions. If ever Lord +Charles and I meet again, the white hand shall +be tendered to him. Nay, perhaps I shall answer +his letter."</p> + +<p>And so she did; but we never saw what she +wrote: however, I am convinced, that she had +called him a firebrand, and reproved him for +his evident desire of making mischief between my +husband and me. Nor can I doubt but that the +justice of her reproofs made them more stinging +to the heart of the offender, and that he felt at +the time a degree of unspeakable and unutterable +resentment, on which his cooler judgment made +him feel it impolitic to act; for he had, as my +mother said, too much good sense not to value +her acquaintance.</p> + +<p>I must now return to Charlotte Jermyn. I +forgot to say, that she wrote a very fawning letter +of thanks to me after her return home, thanking +me for my kindness to her, and hoping that I +would send for her again whenever she could be +of any service to me. I have reason to think that +she also wrote more than once to my husband: +but he never communicated what she wrote to me; +and I had the mortification to find how vainly I +had tried to give him those habits of openness and +ingenuousness which can alone render the nearest +and tenderest ties productive of confidence and +happiness.</p> + +<p>Now, after a silence of four months, she again +wrote to me to inform me that she was married +to a young ensign in a marching regiment quartered +near her father's house; but as it was against +her father's consent, she had been forced to go +to Gretna Green, and that her father, Mr. Jermyn, +continued inexorable.</p> + +<p>This letter I communicated to my husband, +who was, I found, already acquainted with the +circumstance, though he did not tell me by what +means he knew it. He also told me that her +father has since assured her of his forgiveness; +but told her at the same time, that he could bestow +on her nothing else, as he had ten children, and +a small income; and that the young couple had +nothing to live upon except the pay of an ensign +of foot.</p> + +<p>"I am sure <i>I</i> can do nothing for her," Pendarves +added; "for my own wants, or rather +my expenses, are beyond my means."</p> + +<p>"And were they not," answered I, "I do not +feel that Charlotte Jermyn, or rather Mrs. Saunders, +has any claims on you."</p> + +<p>"Still, I would not let her starve, if I could +help it; but I cannot."</p> + +<p>I did not like to ask whether she had applied +to him to lend her money; but I suspected that +she had, and that he had refused: for soon after +I saw him receive a letter, which he read with an +angry and flushed countenance, and thrust into +the fire, muttering as he did so,</p> + +<p>"Confounded fool, insolent!"</p> + +<p>I felt, however, that her visit to me, and the +terms which we had been upon, made it indispensable +for me to give her a wedding gift, and I +sent her money instead of a present in consideration +of her poverty, desiring her to buy what +she wanted most in remembrance of me. My +letter and its contents, much to the annoyance of +us both, she answered in person, bringing her +husband with her; and they came with so evident +an intention of staying all night, spite of the +coldness of their reception, that we were forced +to offer them a bed.</p> + +<p>The next day, however, even their assurance +was not proof against the repelling power of our +cold civility, and they departed, neither of us +prejudiced in favour of the husband, and leaving +me disgusted by the wife's forward behaviour to +Pendarves.</p> + +<p>I now, according to my mother's advice, proposed +to Pendarves a visit to London: but, to +my great surprise, he seemed to have no relish +for the scheme; and telling me we would talk +further about it, he dropped the subject.</p> + +<p>Most gladly should I have welcomed this +unwillingness to go to London, if I could have +attributed it to a preference for home and for the +country; but I had no reason to do this, and I +feared it proceeded only from inability to meet the +expenses of a London establishment, even for a +few weeks; and of this I was soon convinced.</p> + +<p>I told you a few pages back, that I was so cruel +as to rejoice in my aunt's being rendered unable +to write, by a violent inflammation in the eyes; +but as that did not deprive her of locomotion, +most unexpectedly one day, Mr. and Mrs. Pendarves +drove up to my mother's door, and soon +after she accompanied them to our house. I was +dressing when they arrived, and I saw myself +change even to alarming paleness when my mother +came up to announce them. I also saw she was +as much disconcerted as I was.</p> + +<p>"Oh! if my dear uncle had but come alone," +said she, "the visit would have been delightful!" +But, here we were interrupted by Pendarves, who +came in with "So, Helen! I suppose you know +who is come. Oh! that one could but transfer the +disease from the eyes to the tongue, and bandage +that up instead of the former! What shall we do? +For, probably, as she can't use her eyes, she +makes her tongue work double tide."</p> + +<p>"Suppose," replied I, "we bribe our surgeon +to assure her that entire silence is the only cure +for inflamed eyes?"</p> + +<p>"The best thing we can do," observed my +mother, "is to bear with fortitude this unavoidable +evil; and also to try to remember her virtues more +than her faults."</p> + +<p>When I went down, I found my mother admiring +her beaver hat and feathers.</p> + +<p>"Yes," she replied, "I think my beaver very +pretty. What is it the mad poet says about 'my +beaver?' Oh! I have it—</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">'When glory like a plume of feathers stood</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> Perched on my beaver in the briny flood.'"</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>"Do you then bathe in the sea with your beaver +on?" said my mother.</p> + +<p>"Well! there's a question for a sensible woman!" +cried my aunt, not seeing the sarcasm: then +turning to me, she welcomed me with a cordial +kiss; but I was struck by the great coldness with +which she greeted Seymour.</p> + +<p>My uncle, however, received us both with the +kindest manner possible.</p> + +<p>But I forgave all her oddness, when she saw +my child; for praise of her child always finds its +way to a mother's heart; and she was in raptures +with its beauty. She pitied me too for being +forced to give her up to a nurse; but she added, +"I hope she is not, to use the words of the bard, a</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table class="sm" border="0" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">'Stern rugged nurse, with rigid lore,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> Our patience many a year to bore.'"</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>Then renewing her caresses and her praises, +she banished from my remembrance for a while +all but her affectionate heart.</p> + +<p>At dinner, however, she restored to me my +fears of her, and my dislike to her visit; for she +called my husband Mr. Seymour Pendarves at +every word, though my mother she called Julia, +and me Helen;—wishing, as I saw, to point out +to every one that <i>he</i> was not in her good graces. +But why? Alas! I doubted not but I should hear +too soon; and, feeling myself a coward, I carefully +avoided being alone with her that evening.</p> + +<p>What she had to tell I knew not, and whether +it regarded Charlotte Jermyn or Lady Bell; but +I summoned up resolution to ask Pendarves whether +he had ever visited Lady Bell Singleton in company +with Lord Charles; and without hesitation, though +with great confusion, he owned that he had.</p> + +<p>"What! more than once?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Why did you not tell me of it?"</p> + +<p>"Because I thought, after what you had heard, +it might make you uneasy."</p> + +<p>"Should you ever do," I replied, forcing a +smile, "what in our relative situation it would +make me uneasy to be informed of?"</p> + +<p>"Not if your uneasiness would be at all well +founded."</p> + +<p>"But concealment implies consciousness of +something indiscreet, if not wrong; and had you +told me yourself of your visits to Lady Bell, I +could have set Mrs. Pendarves and her insinuations +at defiance."</p> + +<p>"And can you not now?"</p> + +<p>"Perhaps so; but no thanks to your ingenuousness. +However, I must own," said I, smiling +affectionately, "that no one answers questions +more readily."</p> + +<p>I had judged rightly in preparing myself for +my encounter with Mrs. Pendarves, as she took +the first opportunity of telling me how much she +pitied me: for she had heard of the affair with the +young lady who came to nurse me in my lying in, +which was of a piece with the renewal of intercourse +with Lady Bell Singleton. "But I assure +you," she added, "his uncle means to tell him +a piece of his mind; and if he does not, I will."</p> + +<p>On hearing this I thought proper to laugh as +well as I could; which perfectly astonished my +aunt, as I knew it would do, and she demanded +a reason of my ill-timed mirth. I told her that I +laughed at her mountain's having brought forth a +mouse: for that the affair with the young lady +ended in her marrying a young ensign, soon after +she left us, for love, and that I had given her a +wedding present; and that I knew from Seymour +himself that he visited Lady Bell Singleton: I +therefore begged she would keep her pity, and +my uncle his advice, for those who required them.</p> + +<p>My mother entered the room at this moment, +and I had great pleasure in repeating to her what +had passed: for I was glad to impress her with +an idea that my husband confided in me. I saw +that I had succeeded.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Pendarves," said she, gravely, "I am +sorry to find you are one of those who act the +part of an enemy while fancying you are performing +that of a friend. What good could you do +my daughter by telling her of her husband's +errors, had the charge been a true one? Answer +me that. Surely, where 'ignorance is bliss, 'tis +folly to be wise.'"</p> + +<p>"But she could not be ignorant long—she +must know it some time or other, and it was +better she should hear it from a sympathizing and +affectionate friend like me. However, I did not +mean to be officious and troublesome, and I am +glad Mr. Seymour Pendarves is better than I supposed +he was."</p> + +<p>"Madam," replied my mother, "Seymour, +like other persons, is better, much better than a +gossiping world is willing to allow any one to be. +And it is hard indeed that a man's own relations +should implicitly believe and propagate what they +hear against him."</p> + +<p>"Take my advice, my dear little aunt, and +always inquire before you condemn; which advice +is your due, in return for the large store of that +commodity which you are so willing to bestow on +other people."</p> + +<p>My aunt was silent a moment, as if considering +whether in what was said there was most of +compliment, or most of reproof. Be that as it might, +she was too politic not to choose to believe there +was much of compliment implied in the mention +made of her willingness to bestow advice. She +therefore looked pleased, declared her pleasure at +finding all was well, and that she found even the +best authority was not always to be depended +upon. At dinner that day, to show, I conclude, +that Seymour was restored to her favour, she +asked him to pay her a visit at their house in +town; but on my saying that I expected she +would include me in the invitation, as I wished to +go to London, she turned round with great quickness +and exclaimed, "What! and leave your +sweet babe?"</p> + +<p>The censure which this abrupt question conveyed +gave a sort of shock to my feelings, and I +could not answer her; but my mother instantly +replied, "My daughter's health requires a little +change of scene, and surely she can venture to +intrust her infant to my care."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes! but how can she bear to leave it?"</p> + +<p>"The trial will be great, I own," said I; "but +I am not yet so very a mother as to forget I am a +wife; and as I must either leave my child, or give +up accompanying my husband, of the two evils I +prefer the first."</p> + +<p>"Oh! true, true, I never thought of that," was +her sage reply; "and you are right, my dear, +quite right, as husbands are, to go to take care of +yours; and I advise you to keep a sharp look-out—for +there are hawks abroad."</p> + +<p>"Hawks!" said my uncle smiling, "turtle +doves more likely; and they are the most dangerous +bird of the two."</p> + +<p>This observation gave Pendarves time to recover +the confusion his aunt's speech had occasioned +him, and he told me he was much amused to see +that I had positively arranged a journey to London +for him and for myself, without his having ever +expressed an intention of going at all.</p> + +<p>"But I knew you wished to go, and I thought it +was your kind reluctance to ask me to leave my child +which alone prevented your expressing your wishes."</p> + +<p>"Indeed, Helen, you are right: I never should +have thought of asking you to leave your child; +and I own I am flattered to find I am still dearer +to you than she is: therefore, if my uncle and +aunt will be troubled with us, I shall be very +happy to visit London as their guest."</p> + +<p>"Is it possible," cried I, "that you can think +of going any where but to a lodging?"</p> + +<p>"Is it possible," cried Mrs. Pendarves, "that +you can prefer a lodging to being the guest of +your uncle and aunt?"</p> + +<p>"To being the guest even of a father and +mother; for when one has much to see in a little +time, there is nothing like the liberty and convenience +of a lodging."</p> + +<p>"Well, well, Helen," said Pendarves, rather +impatiently, "that may be; but <i>this year</i>, if +you please, we will go to Stratford Place."</p> + +<p>I said no more, and it was settled that we should +follow my uncle and aunt to town, and take up +our residence with them. But the next day my +mother, who thought the plan as foolish and +disagreeable as I did, desired me to find out, if I +could, why my husband consented to be the guest +of a woman whose society was so offensive to him: +"And if," said she, "it is because he cannot +afford to take lodgings, you may tell him, that I +have both means and inclination to answer all the +necessary demands; and moreover I have a legacy +of £2000 untouched, which I have always meant +to give you, Helen, on the birth of your first +child; and that also is at your service."</p> + +<p>I shall pass over my feelings on this occasion, +and my expression of them. Suffice that my +husband owned his "poverty, and not his will, +consented" to his acceptance of our relation's +offer; and that he thankfully received my mother's +bounty. The legacy, however, he resolved to +secure to me, as my own property, and so tied up +that he could not touch it. We found, however, +that we must spend part of our time with my +uncle and aunt; but at the end of ten days we +removed to lodgings near them.</p> + +<p>I was soon sensible of the difference between +the present time in London and the past. I found +that Pendarves, though his manner was as kind +as ever, used to accept in succession engagements +in which I had no share; and if it had not been +for the society of Mr. and Mrs. Ridley, and my +uncle and aunt, I should have been much alone; +and have pined after my child and mother even +more than I did. Still ardently indeed did I long +to return home; and had I not believed I was at +the post of duty, I should have urged my husband to +let me go home without him.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles was frequently with us, and, had +I chosen it, would have been my escort every where: +but I still distrusted him; and I suspect that it +was in revenge he so often procured Pendarves +dinner invitations, from which he rarely returned +till day-light; and once he was evidently in such +low spirits, that I was sure he had been at play, +and had lost every thing.</p> + +<p>We had now been several weeks in London, and +I grew very uneasy at my prolonged separation +from my child, and at my mother's evidently +declining health—besides having reason to think +that my husband would have enjoyed London +more without me; for Lord Charles took care to +tell me often, that had I not been with him, +Pendarves would have gone thither; always adding, +"So you see what a tame domestic animal you +have made of him, and what a tractable obedient +husband he is." There is perhaps nothing more +insiduous and pernicious, than to tell a proud man +that he is governed by a wife, or a mistress, provided +he has great conscious weakness of character; +and Lord Charles knew that was the case with +Pendarves. And I am very sure that he accepted +many invitations which he would otherwise have +declined, because his insiduous friend reproached +him with being afraid of me.</p> + +<p>Ranelagh was still the fashion, and my husband +had still a pride in showing me in its circles; but +even there I was sensible of a change. He now +was not unwilling to resign the care of me to +other men, while he went to pay his compliments +to dashing women of fashion, and give them the +arm once exclusively mine. Still, these occasional +neglects were too trifling to excite my fears or my +jealousy, and I expected, when we returned to +our country home, that it would be with unclouded +prospects. But while I dreamt of perpetual sunshine, +the storm was gathering which was to cloud +my hours in sorrow.</p> + +<p>I had vainly expected a letter from my mother +for two days,—and she usually wrote every day,—a +circumstance which had depressed my spirits +in a very unusual manner; and I was consequently +little prepared to bear with fortitude the abrupt +entrance of my husband in a state of great agitation: +but pale and trembling I awaited the painful +communication which I saw he was about to make.</p> + +<p>"Helen!" cried he, "if you will not or cannot +assist me, I am likely to be arrested every moment."</p> + +<p>"Arrested! What for?" cried I, relieved beyond +measure at hearing it was a distress which money +could remove.</p> + +<p>"Aye, Helen, dearest creature! There is the +pang—for a debt so weakly contracted!"</p> + +<p>"Oh! a gaming debt to Lord Charles, I suppose?"</p> + +<p>"No, no, would it were!—though I own that +way also I have been very culpable."</p> + +<p>"Keep me no longer in suspense, I conjure +you."</p> + +<p>"Why you know what a rash marriage that +silly girl Charlotte Jermyn made."</p> + +<p>"Go on."</p> + +<p>"Well—her husband was forced to sell his +commission to pay his debts: but that was not +sufficient; and to save him from a jail, I had the +folly to be bound for him in no less a sum than +several hundreds."</p> + +<p>"But who asked you? Are they in London?"</p> + +<p>"They were."</p> + +<p>"And you saw them?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Why did you not tell me they were here?"</p> + +<p>"Because they were persons with whom I did +not choose my wife to associate."</p> + +<p>"Were they fit associates for you then?" was +on my tongue, but I suppressed it; for mistaken +indeed is the wife who thinks reproach can ever +do ought but alienate the object of it.</p> + +<p>"But did you often visit them? and what made +them presume to apply to you?"</p> + +<p>"Necessity. She wrote to me again and again, +and she way-laid me too—what could I do? I was +never proof against a woman's tears—and I was +bound for him."</p> + +<p>"Well, and what then?"</p> + +<p>"Why, the rascal is gone off, and left his wife +without a farthing, to maintain herself as she +can."</p> + +<p>"Is she in London?" cried I, turning very +faint.</p> + +<p>"No, at Dover; but, as soon as it is known +that he is off, I expect to be arrested for the money; +and for me to raise it is impossible; but you, +Helen—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes—I understand you," I replied, +speaking with great difficulty: "the legacy—I +will drive instantly to the bankers—and take it, +take it all, if you wish."</p> + +<p>Here my voice and even my eye-sight totally +failed me, and almost my intellects; but I neither +fell nor fainted.—Miserable suspicions and certain +anxiety came over me, and in one moment life +seemed converted into a dreary void. My situation +alarmed Pendarves almost to phrensy. He rung +for the servants, sent for the nearest surgeon, +without my being able to oppose any thing he +ordered—for I could not speak: and I was carried +to my room, and even bled, before I had the power +of uttering a word.</p> + +<p>"The lady has undergone a violent shock," +said the surgeon; and the conscience-stricken Seymour +ran out of the room in an agony too mighty +for expression.</p> + +<p>I was now forced to swallow some strong nervous +medicine; and at length, feeling myself able to +speak again, I ejaculated "Thank God!" and +fell into a passion of tears, which considerably +relieved me.</p> + +<p>My kind but officious maid had meanwhile sent +for Mrs. Pendarves, who eagerly demanded the +original cause of my seizure.</p> + +<p>"Dearest Helen, do you tell your aunt," said +Seymour, "how it was."</p> + +<p>"I had been fretting for two days," I replied, +"on account of my mother's silence; and while +I was talking to Seymour, this violent hysterical +seizure came over me. Indeed, I had experienced +all the morning, my love, previous to your coming +in, a most unusual depression." This statement, +though true, was I own deceptive; but I could +not tell all the truth without exposing my husband.—Oh! +how fondly did his eyes thank me! My +aunt was satisfied; she insisted on sitting by my +bedside while I slept,—for an anodyne was given +me,—and I consented to receive her offered kindness. +Nay, I must own that, in the conscious +desolation of my heart at that moment, I felt +strangely soothed by expressions of kindness, and +was covetous of those endearments from her which +before I had wished to avoid. But my hand now +returned and courted the affectionate pressure of +hers; and I seemed to cling to her as a friend who, +if she knew all, would have sorrowed over me +like a mother; and while sleep was consciously +stealing over me, I was pleased to know that she +was watching beside my pillow.</p> + +<p>I had forbidden Pendarves to come near me, +because the sight of his distress prevented my +recovery, and perfect quiet was enjoined.</p> + +<p>But, when I was asleep he would not be kept +from the bedside; and he betrayed so much deep +feeling, and exhibited so much affection for me, +that when I woke, and desired to rise and dress, +as I was quite recovered, my aunt was lavish in +his praise, and declared she was now convinced +he was the best of husbands.</p> + +<p>Pendarves would fain have staid at home with +me that day; but I insisted on his going out, as +I thought it would be better for us both; and I +told him with truth I preferred his aunt's company +to his. Our next meeting alone was truly painful; +for we could neither of us advert to my excessive +emotion. He could not explain away its cause, +nor could I name it: but he, though silent, was +affectionate and attentive, and I tried to force my +too busy fancy to dwell only on what I knew and +saw, and not to fly off to sources of disquiet, +which spite of appearances might really not exist.</p> + +<p>The next morning, as soon as breakfast was +over, we drove to the banker's, resumed the whole +of the deposit, and I insisted that Pendarves +should accept it all. This he was very unwilling +to do—but I was firm, and my mind was tranquillized +by his consenting at last to my desire. +Yet, I think I was not foolish enough to suppose +I could buy his constancy.</p> + +<p>One thing which I said to him I instantly repented. +I asked him whether Mrs. Saunders was +likely to remove to London. He said, he did not +know: "But if she does, what then? O Helen! +can you suppose I will ever see her now?" he +added.</p> + +<p>"And why not?" thought I, when he quitted +me—"If it was ever proper to see her, why not +now? And why should I seem to be accusing him, +by appearing solicitous to know whether he would +see her or not?"</p> + +<p>Alas! his reply only served to make me more +wretched; but, fortunately I may say, my mother's +continued silence made a sort of diversion to my +thoughts, and substituted tender for bitter anxiety.</p> + +<p>That very day the demand was made on my +husband by the creditor of Saunders, and while +he was gone out with this man on business in bustled +my kind but mischievous aunt.</p> + +<p>"How are you to-day," said she, "my poor child? +but I see how you are—sitting like patience on a +monument, smiling with grief!"</p> + +<p>"With grief! dear aunt?"</p> + +<p>"Yes: for do you think I do not know all? +Oh, the wicked man!"</p> + +<p>"Whom, madam, do you call wicked?"</p> + +<p>"Your husband, child: has he not been keeping +up an acquaintance with that girl, who married? +and has he not been bound for her husband? and +is not the man run away, and he liable to be +arrested for the debt? and where he can get the +money to pay it I can't guess—I am sure my Mr. +Pendarves will not pay it. Nay, <i>I</i> know 'tis all, +all true—my maid, I find, met him walking in +the park with her, and the creditor is my maid's +brother."</p> + +<p>Here she paused exhausted with her own vehemence; +and I replied, "I am sorry, madam, that +you listen to tales told you by your servant: I +am also sorry that a transaction which though +rash was kind, is known to more persons than +my husband and me. I know as well as you that +Pendarves visited at Mrs. Saunders's lodgings, +and he was very likely seen in the park with her. +To the money transaction I am also privy, and I +assure you my Mr. Pendarves need not apply to +yours on this or, I trust, on any occasion; for +the creditor has been here, and he is paid by this +time."</p> + +<p>"Then he must have borrowed the money, for +I know he has lost a great deal lately."</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Pendarves," said I, rising with great +agitation, "I will not allow you to speak thus of +the husband whom I love and honour. I tell you +that he has paid the creditor with his <i>own</i> money; +and if you persist in a conversation so offensive +to me, I will quit the room."</p> + +<p>"How! this to me? Do you consider who I +am—and our relationship?"</p> + +<p>"You are the wife of my great uncle, madam, +no more; and were you even my mother, I would +not sit and listen tamely to aspersions of my +husband, and I must desire that our conversations +on this subject may end here."</p> + +<p>I believe there is nothing more formidable while +it lasts, than the violence of those who are habitually +mild—because surprise throws the persons +who are attacked off their guard; and it also +magnifies to them the degree of violence used.</p> + +<p>The poor little woman was not only awed into +silence, but affected unto tears; and I was really +obliged to sooth her into calmness, declaring that +I was sure she meant well, and that I had never +doubted the goodness of her heart.</p> + +<p>The next day brought the long expected letter +from my mother; and its contents made all that +I had yet endured light, in comparison; for they +alarmed me for the life of my child! She was, +however, declared out of danger for the present, +when my mother wrote.</p> + +<p>It is almost needless to add, that as soon as +horses could be procured, Pendarves and I were +on the road home.</p> + +<p>I must pass rapidly over this part of my narrative. +Suffice, that she vacillated between life and death +for three months; that then she was better, and +my husband left me to join Lord Charles at Tunbridge +Wells, whither he had been ordered for +his health; that he had not been gone a fortnight, +when her worst symptoms returned, and my mother +wrote to him as follows:</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>"Come instantly, if you wish to see your child +alive, and preserve the senses of your wife! When +all is over, your presence alone can, I believe, save +her from distraction.</p> +<p class="right">J. P."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>He instantly set off for home, and arrived +at a moment when I could be alive to the joy +of seeing him; for my child had just been pronounced +better! But what a betterness! For six +weeks longer, watched by us all day and all night +with never-failing love, it lingered on and on, +endeared to us every day the more, in proportion +as it became more helpless, and we more void of +hope, till I was doomed to see its last faint breath +expire, and<span class="nowrap">——</span>no more on this subject—</p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="narrow" /> +<p> </p> +<p>I believe my mother was right; I believe that, +dearly as I loved her, her presence alone would +not have kept my grief within the bounds of reason: +but the presence of him whose grief was on a +par with mine, of him whom love and duty equally +bade me exert myself to console, had indeed a +salutary effect on me; and it at length became a +source of comfort to reflect, that the object of +our united regrets was mercifully removed from +a state of severe suffering, and probably from +evils to come. But my progress towards recovered +tranquillity bore no proportion to Seymour's; for, +when I was capable of reflection, I felt that in +losing my child I lost one of my strongest holds +on the affection of my husband. Consequently, +the clearer my mind grew after the clouds of grief +dispersed, the more vividly was I sensible of my +loss.</p> + +<p>I also became conscious that the habitual dejection +of my spirits, which was pleasing to Seymour's +feelings while his continued in unison with +mine, would become distasteful, and make his +home disagreeable, as soon as he was recovering +his usual cheerfulness. Still, I could not shake +it off—and by my mother's advice I urged him to +renew his visit to Lord Charles, who was still an +invalid.</p> + +<p>To Tunbridge Wells he therefore again went, +leaving me to indulge unrestrained that pernicious +grief which even his presence had not controuled, +and also to impair both my health and my person +in a degree which it might be difficult ever to +restore.</p> + +<p>When Pendarves returned, which he did at the +end of six weeks, during which time he had +written in raptures of the new acquaintances which +he had formed at the Wells, he was filled with +pain and mortification at sight of my pale cheek, +meagre form, and neglected dress.</p> + +<p>What a contrast was I to the women whom he +had left! And even his affectionate disposition +and fine temper were not proof, after the first +ebullitions of tenderness had subsided, against +my dowdy wretched appearance, and my dejection +of manner.</p> + +<p>"Helen!" said he, "I cannot stand this—I +must go away again, if you persist to forget all +that is due to the living, in regard for the dead. +I have not been accustomed lately to pale cheeks, +meagre forms, and dismal faces. I love home, +and I love you; but neither my home nor you are +now recognisable."</p> + +<p>I was wounded, but reproved and amended: +I felt the justice of what he said, and resolved to +do my duty.</p> + +<p>Soon after he told me he was going away again; +and on my mother's gently reproaching him for +leaving me so much, he replied that he could not +bear to witness my altered looks, and to listen to +my mournful voice.</p> + +<p>While Pendarves was gone, I resolved to renew +my long neglected pursuits. I played on the +guitar; I resumed my drawing, and sometimes I +tried to sing: but that exertion I found at present +beyond my powers.</p> + +<p>After three weeks had elapsed, Seymour wrote +me word that he was about to return from the +Wells with some new friends of his, who were +coming to the mansion within four miles of us, +which had been so long uninhabited, called Oswald +Lodge. He said he should arrive there very late +on the Saturday night; but that after attending +church on the Sunday to hear a new curate preach, +whom they were to bring with them, he should +return home.</p> + +<p>I was mortified I own to think that he could +stop, after so long an absence, within four miles +of home; but I felt that I had lately made so +few efforts for his sake, that I had no right to +expect he would pay me an attention like this. +But to repine or look back was equally vain and +weak; and I resolved to act, in order to make +amends for what I could not but consider an indolent +indulgence of my own selfishness, however +disguised to me under the name of sensibility, +at the expense of my husband's happiness. And +as six months had now elapsed since the death of +my child, I resolved to throw off my mourning, +and make the house and myself look as cheerful +as they were wont to do.</p> + +<p>I also resolved to meet him at the church, which +was common to the parish whence he would come, +and ours also, and not to sit, as I had lately done, +in a pew whence I could steal in and out unseen; +but walk up the aisle, and sit in my own seat, +where I could see and be seen of others.</p> + +<p>My mother meanwhile observed in joyful silence +all my proceedings; and when she saw me stop +at the door in the carriage on the Sunday morning, +dressed in white, with a muslin bonnet, and +pelisse, lined with full pink, and a countenance +which was in a measure at least cheerful, she +embraced me with the warmest affection, and said +she hoped she should now see her own child again.</p> + +<p>Spite, however, of my well-motived exertions, +my nerves were a little fluttered when I recollected +that I was going to encounter the scrutinizing +observation of Seymour's new friends, who, if +arrived, would no doubt, from the situation of +the pew, see me during my progress to mine, +which was opposite. They were arrived before +me; for I saw white and coloured feathers nodding +at a distance: but I remembered it was not in the +temple of the Most High that fear of man ought +to be felt, and I followed my mother up the aisle +with my accustomed composure.</p> + +<p>Oh! how I longed to see whether my husband +was with the party! but I forebore to seek the +creature till the dues to the Creator were paid. +I then looked towards the opposite pew; but soon +withdrew my eyes again: for I saw my husband +listening with an animated countenance to what +a gentleman was saying to him, who was gazing +on me with an expression of great admiration. +I therefore only exchanged a glance of affectionate +welcome with Pendarves, and tried to remember +him and his companions no more.</p> + +<p>When service was ended Seymour eagerly left +his seat, and coming into mine proposed to introduce +me to his friends; "for now," said he in a +low voice, "I again see the wife I am proud of." +I smiled assent, and a formal introduction took +place.</p> + +<p>The party consisted of Mr. and Mrs. Oswald, +who after a long residence abroad were come to live +on their estate, and resume those habits of extravagance, +the effects of which they had gone abroad +to recover; of a Lord Martindale, the gentleman +I had before observed; and of one or two persons, +a sort of hangers-on in the family, who ministered +in some way or other to the entertainment of the +host and hostess.</p> + +<p>Mr. and Mrs. Oswald now politely urged my +mother and myself to favour them with our company +at dinner, my husband having promised to +return to them by five o'clock; but we declined +it, and Seymour attended us home. Seymour +expressed more by his looks than his words the +pleasure my change of dress and countenance had +occasioned him; for he was too delicate to expatiate +on what must recall to my mind only too forcibly +the cause of the difference which he had deplored: +but when he rejoiced over my recovered bloom, +and <i>embonpoint</i>, I reminded him that my bloom +was caused by my lining, and my seeming plumpness +by my pelisse. This was only too true. +Still I was, he saw, disposed to be all he wished +me; and when we reached our house, and he +beheld baskets of flowers in all the rooms, as +usual; when he beheld the light of day allowed +to penetrate into every apartment, except where +the sun was too powerful; when he saw my guitar +had been moved from its obscurity, and that my +portfolio seemed full of drawings; he folded my +still thin form with fondness to his heart, and +declared that he now felt himself quite a happy +man again. Nor would he leave me, to dine at +Oswald Lodge; and he sent an excuse, but promised +to call there on the morrow and take me +with him. The next day he summoned me to get +ready to fulfil his promise, and I obeyed him, +but with reluctance; for I felt already sure that I +should not like these new friends.</p> + +<p>In Lord Martindale I already saw an audacious +man of the world; and those spendthrift Oswalds, +those beings who seemed to think they came into +life merely to amuse it away, did not seem at all +suited to my taste or principles, and were certain +to be dangerous to a man of Seymour's tendency +to expense.</p> + +<p>On our way thither I asked if Lord Martindale +was married; and with a cheek which glowed with +emotion he replied, "Married! Oh yes! did I not +mention Lady Martindale to you? How strange!" +But I did not think it so, when I heard him descant +on her various attractions and talents with an +eloquence which was by no means pleasing to me.</p> + +<p>"Indeed," said I, sighing as I spoke, "I feel +it a great compliment, that you preferred staying +with your faded wife to dining with this brilliant +beauty."</p> + +<p>"Brilliant beauty! dear girl! In beauty she is +not to be compared to you. She is certainly ten +years older, and never was a beauty in her life. +She has very fine eyes, fine teeth, fine hair, and +a little round, perfectly formed person: <i>au reste</i>, +she is sallow, and, when not animated, plain: in +her expression, her endless variety, her gracefulness, +and her vivacity, lies her great charm. Altogether +<i>c'est une petite personne des plus piquantes</i>; and +with even more than the usual attraction of her +countrywomen."</p> + +<p>"Is she French then?"</p> + +<p>"Yes: she was well born, but poor; and her +great powers of fascination led Lord Martindale, +who was living abroad, to marry her, in spite of his +embarrassed fortune. They came over in the same +ship with the Oswalds, and thence the intimacy."</p> + +<p>By this time we had reached Oswald Lodge, +and were ushered through a hall redolent with +sweets to the morning room, where we found +Mrs. Oswald, splendidly attired, stringing coral +beads, and the gentlemen reading the papers. If +there ever was a complete contrast in nature, it +was my appearance and that of Mrs. Oswald. +Figure to yourself the greeting between a woman +of my great height, excessive meagreness, and +long neck, and one not exceeding five feet, with +legs making up in thickness for what they wanted +in length, with a short neck buried in fat, and +the rest of her form of suitable dimensions, while +the dropsical appearance of her person did not +however impede a short and quick waddling walk. +Figure to yourself also, a fair, fat, flat face, full of +good humour, and betokening a heart a stranger +to care, and then call to mind my different style +of features, complexion, and expression, particularly +at that melancholy period of my life.</p> + +<p>"What a fine caricature we should make!" +thought I; and it required all my dislike to +employ the talent for caricature which I possessed, +to prevent my drawing her and myself when I +went home. But I was ashamed of the satirical +manner in which I regarded her, when she welcomed +me with such genuine kindness; and ill +befall the being whom welcome and courtesy cannot +disarm of even habitual sarcasm! Mr. Oswald was +as courteous and kind as his wife, and Lord Martindale +looked even more soft meanings than he +uttered—adding, "When I saw you yesterday, +Mrs. Pendarves, I did not expect to see Mr. +Pendarves return to us to dinner. Nay, if he had, I +never could have forgiven him."</p> + +<p>"My lord," cried Oswald, "I did not expect +him for another reason, though I admit the full +force of yours. He knew Lady Martindale was +too unwell to dine below, for I told him so myself; +and 'my fair, fat, and forty' here was not likely +to draw him from 'metal more attractive'"—bowing +to me.</p> + +<p>"So then," said I to myself, "his staying with +me, for which I expressed my thanks, was no +compliment after all; and disingenuous as usual, +he did not tell me Lady Martindale would not be +visible!" I am ashamed to own how this little +incident disconcerted me. I had been flattered +by Seymour's staying at home, but now there +was nothing in it. Oh! the weakness of a woman +that loves!</p> + +<p>Seymour, who knew that I should be mortified, +and he lowered in my eyes by this discovery, was +more embarrassed and awkward than I ever knew +him, in paying his respects and making his inquiries +concerning the health of Lady Martindale, +and had just expressed his delight at hearing she +was recovered when the lady herself appeared: +she paid her compliments to me in a very easy +and graceful manner, and expressed herself much +pleased to see the lady of whom her lord had +raved ever since he saw her; and I suspect her +broken English gave what she said much of its +charm. At least I wished to think so then. I +found Seymour had painted her as she was, as to +externals; whether he had been as accurate a +delineator of her mind and general manners, I +was yet to learn.</p> + +<p>That she could dance, I had soon the means +of discovering; for she had a little French dog +with her, which had been taught to dance to a +tune; and while Mrs. Oswald played a slow waltz, +and then a jig, Lady Martindale, on pretence of +showing off the little dog, showed herself off to +the greatest possible advantage.—Whether she +glided smoothly along in graceful abandonment +of the waltz measure, or whether she sprung +lightly on the "gay fantastic toe," her fine arms +floated gracefully on the air, and her beautiful +feet moved with equal and as becoming skill. +When she had ended, she was repaid with universal +bravos and clapping of hands.</p> + +<p>Nothing could exceed the grace with which she +curtsied; and snatching the dog under her arm, +she went round the circle, extending her beautiful +hand to each of us, saying <i>"De grace! donnez +des gateaux à ma Fanchon:"</i><a name="fn1r" id="fn1r"></a><a href="#fn1"><sup><span class="small"> 1</span></sup></a> and the plate of +macaroons that stood near us was immediately +emptied before the little animal, who growled and +ate, to the great delight of his mistress, who +knelt in an attitude <i>fait à peindre</i> beside him.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn1" id="fn1"></a><a href="#fn1r">1</a>: Pray give cakes to my Fanchon.</p> + +<p>I cannot express to you what I felt when I saw +Seymour's eyes rivetted on this woman of display. +He watched her every movement, and seemed +indeed to feel she possessed <i>la grace plus belle +encore que la beauté</i>.<a name="fn2r" id="fn2r"></a><a href="#fn2"><sup><span class="small">2</span></sup></a> But who and what was she? +A French woman, and well-born, though poor.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn2" id="fn2"></a><a href="#fn2r">2</a>: Grace more beautiful still than beauty.</p> + +<p>Was it the quick-sightedness of jealousy, I +wonder, or was it that women read women better +than men do, where their love or their vanity is +concerned, which made me suspect that she had +been not only a <i>femme</i> de <i>talens</i>, but a <i>femme</i> +à <i>talens</i>, and that Lord Martindale had married a +woman who had been in public life? However, +what did that matter to me? Whatever she was, +she possessed fascinations which I had not; she +had a power of amusing and interesting which I +had never possessed; and I feared that to him +who could admire her I must soon cease to be an +object of love, though I might continue to be one +of esteem. But did I wish to please as she had +been pleasing? Did I wish to be able to exhibit +my person in attitudes so alluring? Would it have +been consistent with the modest dignity of an +English gentlewoman? Nay, would my husband +have liked to see me so exhibit in company? Notwithstanding, +to charm, amuse and fix his roving +eye, and enliven our domestic scenes, I could not +help wishing that I could do all she did. But I +could not do it, and I feared her. We were +asked to stay <ins title="original lacks to">to</ins> dinner, but we refused: however, +another day was fixed for our waiting on them, so +the evil was only delayed.</p> + +<p>And what were we doing? and wherefore? +We were entering into dinner visits, and with a +reduced income, with persons who lived in all the +luxuries of life, and of whom we knew nothing +but that ten years before they had been forced to +run away from their creditors, and that the chances +were they would be forced to do so again. The +wherefore was still less satisfactory to me. We +did it that my husband might amuse away his +hours; and, as I had reason to fear, forget in +this stimulating sort of company and diversions +the anxieties and the unhappy feelings which were +in future likely to cling to him at home. For I +was sure he was involved in debts which he could +not pay, and those who are so involved are always +forced to substitute constant amusement for happiness. +If they do not, they fly to intoxication; +but agreeable company and gay pursuits are the +better intoxication, I own, of the two.</p> + +<p>And was it come to this? Was my husband for +ever unfitted for the enjoyment of domestic comfort; +and was I reduced to the cruel alternative +of seeing him abstracted and unhappy, or of +parting with him to the abode of the Syren? +while I was sometimes forced to accompany him +thither, and witness his evident devotion to her, +his forgetfulness of me? Alas! such seemed to +be my situation at that moment; but I was resolved +to talk with him seriously on the state of +his affairs, and to make any retrenchments, and +offer any sacrifices, to remove from his mind the +burthen which oppressed it. But for some time, +like most persons so distressed, he was decidedly +averse to talk on the subject, and liked better to +drive care away by pleasant society, than to meet +the evil though it was in order to remove it. In +the meanwhile I went to Oswald Lodge occasionally, +and occasionally invited its owners and their guests +to our home, till the party there grew too large +for our rooms to receive them: and then I had +an excuse for not accompanying my husband often, +in not having carriage horses, as I had prevailed +on Pendarves to drop that unnecessary expense. +This produced urgent invitations to sleep there; +but that I never would do; and I would not +consent to be with these people on so intimate +a footing, especially as I had not my mother's +countenance or presence to sanction it; she having +resolutely declined visiting them at all, as she +disliked the manners and appearance, as well as +the mode of life, of the whole party. But she +confirmed me in my resolution never to seem to +under-value, though I did not commend, Lady +Martindale, as she well knew my disapprobation +would be imputed to envy and jealousy even by +Pendarves, and she advised me to endure patiently +what I could not prevent. Not that she for a +moment suspected that my husband was seriously +alienated from me, and was acting a dishonourable +part towards Lord Martindale; but she could not +be blind to Seymour's long absences at Oswald +Lodge, and his now passing nights there, as well +as days. But his pleasures were, for a little while +at least, put a stop to; for he received at length so +many dunning letters, that he was forced to unburthen +his mind to me, and ask my aid if possible +to relieve his distresses. He positively, +however, forbade me to apply to my mother, and +I was equally unwilling to let her know the errors +of my still beloved husband.</p> + +<p>Yet what could I do for him? I could dismiss +one, if not two servants,—and he could sell another +horse; but then money was wanted to pay debts. +There was therefore no alternative, but for me to +prevail on my trustees to give up some of my +marriage settlement; and as I knew that my +mother's fortune must come to me and my children, +if I had any, I was very willing to relieve +my husband from his embarrassments, by raising +for him the necessary supplies. Nor did I find +my trustees very unwilling to grant my request, +and once more I believed my husband free from +debt. I also hoped my mother knew nothing of +either the distress, or the means of relief. But, +alas! one of the trustees concluded our uncle +knew of these transactions, and was probably +desirous to know why he had, though a very rich +man, allowed me to diminish my marriage settlement, +in order to pay debts which he could have +paid without the smallest inconvenience, as he +had only two daughters, who were both well +married.</p> + +<p>Accordingly he mentioned the subject to my +astonished and indignant uncle, who with his +usual indiscretion revealed it to his wife. The +consequence was inevitable: she immediately wrote +a letter of lamentation to my mother, detailing +the whole affair, adverting to the other transaction +concerning Saunders's debts, pointing out the +great probability there was that what every one +said was true, namely, that my husband had +prevailed on Saunders to marry Charlotte Jermyn, +and therefore was bound in justice to assist him, +and concluding with a broad hint concerning his +evident attachment to a Lady Martindale.</p> + +<p>What a letter for a fond mother to receive! But +to the money transactions alone did she vouchsafe +any credit; and relative to these she demanded +from me the most open confession, saying, "The +rest of the letter I treat with the contempt it +deserves." I had no difficulty in telling her every +thing which related to the last transaction; but +my voice faltered, and my eye was downcast, +when I described the other, because I had never +been entirely able to conquer some painful suspicions +of my own; and her quick eyes and penetrating +mind soon discovered, though she was too +delicate to notice it, that in my own heart I was +not sure that all my aunt suspected was unjust. +But if I shrunk from the searching glance of her +eyes, how was I affected when she fixed them on +me with looks of approving tenderness, and told +me with evidently suppressed feeling, that I had +done well and greatly in concealing my husband's +extravagant follies even from her!</p> + +<p>That day's post brought a letter of a more pleasant +nature from my uncle to me. He informed +me, that though he utterly disapproved my giving +to an erring husband what was intended as a provision +for my innocent children, he could not bear +that I should suffer by my erroneous but generous +conception of a wife's duty, and had therefore +replaced the sum which I had so rashly advanced, +desiring me on any future emergency to apply to +him.</p> + +<p>Kind and excellent old man! How pleasant +were the tears which I shed over this letter! but +still how much more welcome to my soul were +those which it wrung from the heart of Pendarves!</p> + +<p>But amidst the various feelings which made my +cheek pale, my brow thoughtful and sad, my form +meagre, and which deprived me of every thing +but the mere outline of former beauty, was the +consciousness that my mother's heart was estranged +from my husband. He had even exceeded all her +fears and expectations; and her manner to him +was full of that cold civility, which when it +replaces ardent affection is of all things the most +terrible to endure from one whom you love and +venerate. He felt it to his heart's core, and alas! +he resented it by flying oftener from his home +and the wife whom he thus rendered wretched.</p> + +<p>At this period my mother was surprised by a +most unexpected guest, and, situated as I was, an +unwelcome visitor to both; for it was Ferdinand +de Walden.</p> + +<p>Business had brought him to England; and as +time had, he believed, mellowed his attachment +to me into friendship, he had no objection to +visit my mother, and renew his acquaintance with +me. But though she prepared him to see me +much altered, as I had not, she said, recovered +the loss of my child, he was so overcome when he +saw me, that he was forced to leave the room; +and the sight of that faded face and form, nay, I +may say, the utter loss of my beauty, endeared +me yet more to the heart of De Walden.</p> + +<p>Had I been an artful, had I been a coquettish +woman, this was the time to show it; for I might +have easily roused the jealousy of my husband, +and perhaps have terrified him back to his allegiance. +But I should have felt debased if I had +excited one feeling of jealousy in a husband's +heart, and my manner was so cold to De Walden +that he complained of it to my mother.</p> + +<p>Mr. Oswald called on De Walden, as soon as +he heard of his arrival, for he had known him +abroad, and a day was fixed for our meeting him +at Oswald Lodge: nay, my mother, to mark her +great respect for her guest, would have joined the +party had she not sprained her ankle severely the +day before.</p> + +<p>It was now some weeks since I had dined there; +therefore I had not seen the great increase of +intimacy which was visible between Seymour and +Lady Martindale, and which I dreaded should be +observed by Lord Martindale himself: but he did +not seem to mind it, and looked at me with such +an expression of countenance, lavishing on me +at the same time such disgusting flatteries, that +the dark eye of De Walden flashed fire as he +regarded him, and he beheld my absorbed and +inattentive husband with a look in which scorn +contended with agony. But if Seymour was +so completely absorbed in looking at and listening +to the Syren who bewitched him, she was not +equally absorbed in him: but I saw that when he +was not looking at her, she was earnestly examining +De Walden, and that his eye dwelt on her +with a very marked and scornful meaning.</p> + +<p>Lady Martindale was solicited at the dinner +table to promise some new guests who were there, +to exhibit to them the scene with the dog; but +on pretence of having hurt her foot she refused. +This led to a conversation on dancing, of which +art, to my great surprise, De Walden declared +himself a great admirer in the early part of his +life. "When I was very young," said he in French, +"I saw such dancing as I shall never forget. It +was that of a young creature on the Paris stage, +who was then called Annette Beauvais, and she +quite bewitched my young heart, both on and off +the stage; for I once saw her in a private party, +but then I was quite a boy: she was at that time +the mistress of a <i>fermier général</i>: since then she +has figured, as I have heard, in many different +capacities, and I should not be surprised to hear +of her as a peeress, or a princess; so great and +versatile were her powers."</p> + +<p>This discussion, so little <i>à-propos</i>, for what +did any one present care for Annette Beauvais? +convinced me De Walden had a meaning beyond +what appeared; and casting my eyes on Lord +Martindale and his lady, I saw they were both +covered with confusion: but the former recovering +himself first, said, "Annette Beauvais! My dear +Eugénie, is not that the name of the girl who was +reckoned so like you?"</p> + +<p><i>"Mais oui—sans doute</i>—I was much sorry—for +I was take for her very oft'—<i>et cependant +elle est plus grande que moi."</i><a name="fn3r" id="fn3r"></a><a href="#fn3"><sup><span class="small"> 3</span></sup></a></p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn3" id="fn3"></a><a href="#fn3r">3</a>: Yet she is taller than I.</p> + +<p>"She may look taller on the stage, my lady," +said De Walden, again speaking in French, that +she might not lose a word; "but I would wager +any money, that off the stage, no one would know +Annette from you, or you from her."</p> + +<p>"<i>A la bonne heure</i>," said she in a tone of +pique, and avoiding the searching glance of his +eye; then, on her making a signal to Mrs. Oswald, +she rose, and we left the dining-room.</p> + +<p>With the impression which I had just received +on my mind of Lady Martindale's former profession, +or rather character, I could not help replying +to the attentions which she now lavished on me +with distant politeness; and I saw clearly that she +observed my change of manner, and, resenting +it in her heart, resolved to take ample vengeance; +for, as I stood with my arms folded in a long +mantle which I wore, lost in reverie, it happened +that I did not answer Lady Martindale when she +first spoke, and when I did, it was in a cold and +absent manner, and as <ins title="original has i If">if I</ins> addressed an inferior; +on which the artful woman, who sat in a recess +by the side of my husband, threw herself back, +exclaiming, <i>"Mais voyez donc comme elle me +traite! Ah! comment ai-je mérité cette dureté +de sa part?"</i><a name="fn4r" id="fn4r"></a><a href="#fn4"><sup><span class="small"> 4</span></sup></a> She accompanied these words +with a few touching tears.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn4" id="fn4"></a><a href="#fn4r">4</a>: Only see how she treats me! How have I deserved such +hard treatment from her?</p> + +<p>On seeing and hearing this, for the first time +in his life since we married, Seymour felt irritated +against me; and coming up to me, he said, +in a voice nearly extinct with passion, "Mrs. +Pendarves, I insist on your apologizing to that +lady for the rudeness of which you have been +guilty." For one moment my spirit revolted at +the word "insist," and my feelings were overset +by the "Mrs. Pendarves;" but it was only for a +moment.</p> + +<p>I felt that I had been rude; and I also felt that +I should not have acted as I did, spite of my +suspicions, if I had not been jealous of Seymour's +adoration for her.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, drawing so near to her that no +one could hear what passed, I told her that at the +command of my husband, I assured her I did not +mean to wound or offend her, and that I was sorry +I had done so.</p> + +<p>"Ah! 'tis your husban spoak den, not your +own heart—dat's wat I want."</p> + +<p>"The feelings of my heart," said I, "are not +at the command even of my husband; but my +words are, and I have obeyed him—but I am +really sorry when I have given pain to any one." +Then with a low curtsy I left them, and retired +to a further part of the room.</p> + +<p>During this time I saw that Seymour looked +still angry, and was not satisfied with my apology, +or the manner in which I delivered it; and I +repented I had not been more gracious. But now +I was requested to sing a Venetian air to the +Spanish guitar, to which I had written English +words; and I complied, glad to do something to +escape from my own painful reflections, and also +from the earnest manner in which De Walden +examined my countenance, and watched what had +just passed. But in order no doubt to mortify +my vanity by calling off the attention from me to +herself, the moment I began, Lady Martindale +set her little dog down who was lying in her lap, +and began to make him dance to the tune; but +as she did not get up herself and dance as usual +with him, the poor beast did not know what to +make of it, but set up a most violent barking. +I had had resolution to go on both singing and +playing during the grimaces of the dog and its +mistress, even though my own husband instead of +resenting the affront to me had seemed to enjoy it; +but when the dog spoke I was silent; on which +De Walden seized the little animal in his arms in +spite of Lady Martindale's resistance, and put it +out of the room. Then stooping down he whispered +something in her ear which silenced her at once. +During this scene I trembled in every limb; for +I feared that Seymour might be mad enough to +resent De Walden's conduct. I was therefore +relieved when Lord Martindale came up to him, +as if he meant to resent the violence offered to his +lady's dog; but on approaching De Walden, he +said, with great good humour—"That was right, +Count De Walden; and if you had not done it, +<i>I</i> should. Only think that a beast like that should +presume to interrupt a Seraph!"</p> + +<p>"Ah! if it was but he alone that presumed in this +room, it would be well; but we often make example +of one who is guilty the least."</p> + +<p>Lord Martindale did not choose to ask an explanation +of these words, but, turning to me, +requested me to resume my guitar and my song. +But I had not yet recovered my emotion, nor +perhaps would it have been consistent with my self-respect +to comply.</p> + +<p>Certainly De Walden thought not; for he said +in a low voice <i>"Ma chere amie, de grace ne +chantez pas!"</i><a name="fn5r" id="fn5r"></a><a href="#fn5"><sup><span class="small"> 5</span></sup></a> and I was firm in my refusal.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn5" id="fn5"></a><a href="#fn5r">5</a>: My dear friend, pray do not sing!</p> + +<p>Perhaps it was well that I was not allowed to +go on with my song, as the words were only too +expressive of my own feelings, for they were as +follows:—</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><th align="center">SONG</th></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">How bright this summer's sun appear'd!</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>How blue to me this summer's sky!</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">While all I saw and all I heard</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Could charm my ear, could bless my eye.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">The lonely bower, the splendid crowd,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Alike a joy for me possess'd;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">My heart a charm on all bestow'd,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>For that confiding heart was <i>bless'd</i>.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">But thou art changed!—and now no more</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>The sun is bright, or blue the sky;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Now in the throng, or in the bower,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>I only mark thy <i>alter'd eye</i>.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And though midst crowds I still appear,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And seem to list the minstrel's strain,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">I heed it not—I only hear</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>My <i>own deep sigh</i> that mourns in vain.</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>My carriage was announced soon afterwards; +and I saw by the manner of both, that Lady +Martindale was trying to persuade my husband to +stay all night: but as De Walden came with us, +propriety, if not inclination, forbade him to comply, +and he sullenly enough followed De Walden and +me to the carriage. When there, that considerate +friend refused to enter it—declaring as it was +moon-light he preferred walking home.</p> + +<p>What a relief was this to my mind! for I dreaded +some unpleasant altercation, especially if De +Walden expressed the belief which he evidently +entertained, that Lady Martindale and Annette +Beauvais were the same person.</p> + +<p>When he entered the carriage my husband threw +himself into one corner of it, and remained silent. +I expected this: still I did not know how to bear +it; for I could not help contrasting the past with +the present. Is there—no, there is not—so +agonizing a feeling in the catalogue of human +suffering, as the first conviction that the heart of +the being whom we most tenderly love, is estranged +from us? In vain could I pretend to doubt this +overwhelming fact. Seymour had resented for +another woman, and to me! He had even joined +in, and enjoyed, the mean revenge that woman +took, though that revenge was a public affront to +me! And now in sullen silence, and in still rankling +resentment, he was sitting as far from me as he +possibly could sit, and the attachment of years +seemed in one hour destroyed!</p> + +<p>All this I felt and thought during the first mile +of our drive home: but so closely does hope ever +tread on the heels of despair, that one word from +Pendarves banished the worst part of my misery; +for in an angry tone he at length observed, "So, +madam, your champion would not go with us: I +think it is a pity you did not walk with him—I +think you ought to have done no less, after his +public gallantry in your service."</p> + +<p>"Ha!" thought I immediately, "this is pique, +this is jealousy; and perhaps he loves me still!" +What a revulsion of feeling I now experienced! and +never in his fondest moments did I value an expression +of tenderness from him more, than I did +this weak and churlish observation; for he was not +silent and sullen on account of Lady Martindale's +fancied injuries; but from resentment of De Walden's +interference. In one moment therefore the +face of nature itself seemed changed to me; and +I eagerly replied, "I was certainly much obliged +to De Walden—I needed a champion, and who +so proper to be it as himself, the only old friend I +had in the room, yourself excepted, and the only +person in it probably who now (here my voice +faltered) has a real regard and affection for me!"</p> + +<p>"Helen!" cried Pendarves, starting up, "you +cannot mean what you say! You do not, cannot +believe that De Walden loves you better than <i>I</i> do."</p> + +<p>"If I had not believed it I should not have said +it."</p> + +<p>"But how could you believe it? Has he dared +to talk to you of love?"</p> + +<p>"Do you think he could forget himself so far +as to do such a thing? or if he did, do you think +I could forget myself so far as to listen to him? +Surely, sir, you forget of whom and to whom you +are speaking."</p> + +<p>"Forgive me: I spoke from pique. And so, +Helen, you think I do not love you?"</p> + +<p>"Not as you did, certainly: but I excuse you. +I know grief has changed me; and it had been +better for me to have died, if it had so pleased +God, when my poor child died."</p> + +<p>"Helen! dearest! do not talk thus, I cannot +bear it!" he exclaimed, clasping me to his heart; +and though I then wept even more abundantly +than before, I wept on his bosom, and all my sorrows +were for awhile forgotten.</p> + +<p>The next morning Pendarves told me he should +certainly breakfast with me; but he must leave +me soon to partake of a late breakfast at Oswald +Lodge, as he had promised to go with the party to +call on a family, with whom they were to arrange +some private theatricals.</p> + +<p>"And are you to engage in them?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! to be sure: it will not be the first time +of my acting."</p> + +<p>"And will Lady Martindale act?"</p> + +<p>"Yes: but not with us. We shall act in English: +she will favour us with a mono-drame, <ins title="original has a a">a</ins> +ballet of action, and perhaps read a French play, +which she reads to perfection."</p> + +<p>"Not better than she dances, I dare say; for +dancing, I suspect, was once one of her professions."</p> + +<p>"What nonsense is this Helen? and who has +dared to give such an erroneous and false impression +of this admirable woman?"</p> + +<p>"Surely you must have perceived that De Walden +meant to insinuate that she and Annette +Beauvais are the same person?"</p> + +<p>"Then he is a vile calumniator."</p> + +<p>"Not so: he is only a mistaken man."</p> + +<p>"But it seems you think he cannot be mistaken: +he is an oracle!"</p> + +<p>"My love," replied I, "we had better not talk +of De Walden."</p> + +<p>"You are right, Helen, quite right; for I am +conscious of great irritation when I think of him: +for I feel, I cannot but feel, how much more worthy +of you he is than I am; and yet, foolish girl, you +gave him up for me. O Helen! when I saw him, +impatient of affront to you, step forward with that +flashing eye, that commanding air, to seize the +offending brute, though I could have stabbed him, +I could also have embraced him; and I said within +myself, 'And to this man Helen preferred me! +How she must repent her folly now!'"</p> + +<p>"She never has repented, she never can repent +it," said I, throwing myself upon his neck. "You +know I took you with all your faults open to my +view."</p> + +<p>"Yes: but you fancied love and you would +reform them!"</p> + +<p>"I did—and I think we may do so still: but +you must not let me fancy you do not love me, +Seymour; if you do, I shall pine and mope, and +become the object of your aversion."</p> + +<p>"Impossible! do you think I can ever dislike +you, Helen?"</p> + +<p>"Is thy servant a dog that he should do this +thing?" said I, returning his embrace.</p> + +<p>"I will hear no more of such horrible surmises: +I have now outstaid my time."</p> + +<p>Then mounting his horse, he was out of sight +in a moment.</p> + +<p>Soon after my mother appeared, and, to my +surprise, unaccompanied by De Walden.</p> + +<p>"Where is our friend?" was my first salutation.</p> + +<p>"On the road to London."</p> + +<p>"London! And why?"</p> + +<p>"He had his reasons for going; and, as usual, +they do honour both to his head and heart."</p> + +<p>"May I not know them?"</p> + +<p>"I would not tell them to all women under +your circumstances; but I can trust you. He +finds that he has not conquered his attachment; +and that he cannot behold the affecting change in +your appearance, and reflect on the cause, without +feeling what his principles disapprove. Besides, +he is afraid of getting involved in a quarrel with +Pendarves, as, I suppose, you guess who this Lady +Martindale is."</p> + +<p>"I do. Well, I am glad De Walden is gone; +for I know Pendarves will rejoice."</p> + +<p>I then related to her my conversation with +my husband; and I did it with so much cheerfulness, +and such an evident revival of hope, that I +imparted some of the feelings which I experienced; +and my mother's heart was visibly softened towards +Seymour, while she uttered, "Poor fellow! he +does indeed justly judge himself: you did prefer +the brilliant to the diamond. But where is he?"</p> + +<p>"Gone out with the party at the lodge on particular +business; and will not return till night."</p> + +<p>On hearing this my mother's countenance fell; +and kissing my cheek, she shook her head mournfully, +and changed the conversation.</p> + +<p>Pendarves came home that evening in great +spirits. Every thing was arranged for the theatricals, +and the play fixed upon. It was to be the +Belle's Stratagem, and he was to play Doricourt, +a part he had often played before. The part of +Letitia Hardy, was given to a young lady who was +an actress on private theatres; and every part was +filled but that of Lady Frances Touchwood.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Helen!" cried he, "how happy should I +be if you would give over all your dismals, lay +aside your scruples, and make me your slave for +life, by undertaking this mild and modest part!"</p> + +<p>"You bribe high," I replied (turning pale at +the apprehension of any thing so contrary to my +habits and my sense of right): "but you know +my aversion to things of the sort."</p> + +<p>"I do: but I also know your high sense of a +wife's duty; and that you cannot but own a wife +ought to obey her husband's will, when not contrary +to the will of God."</p> + +<p>"You seem to have high though just ideas of a +wife's duty," said I, smiling; "now, perhaps, you +will favour me with your opinion of a husband's +duty."</p> + +<p>"Willingly. It is to wean a beloved wife, if +possible, from gloomy thoughts; to keep amusing +company himself, and to make her join it: in short, +when he has engaged in private theatricals, it is his +<i>duty</i> to get his wife to engage in them also: and +if you think such things dangerous to good morals, +you are the more bound to engage in them, in +order to watch over <i>mine</i>."</p> + +<p>I suspected he was right, and that the general +duty should, in this instance, give way to the particular +one; but I shrunk with aversion from the +long and intimate association with these disagreeable +if not disreputable people, to which it would +oblige me; and after expressing this dislike I +begged time to consider of his request.</p> + +<p>The next day I went to consult my mother, who +at first would not hear the plan named, and declared +that her child should not so far degrade +herself as to allow her person to be profaned by +such familiarities as acting must induce and she +must suffer. But when I told her Mr. Oswald was +to act Sir George Touchwood, a quiet, elderly married +man, she was more reconciled to it on that +score, but she disliked it as much as I did on other +grounds. However, having convinced myself, I at +length convinced her, that it was my duty to make +myself as dear and as agreeable to my husband as +I could, and not leave him thus exposed to the every +day increasing fascinations of another woman.</p> + +<p>"But can you, my dear child," said she, "have +fortitude enough to bear for days together the sight +of his attentions to your rival? Will it not make +you pettish, grave, and unamiable, and cloud your +eyes in tears, which will incense and not affect, +because they will seem a reproach?"</p> + +<p>"It will be a difficult task, and a severe trial, I +own; but I humbly hope to be supported under +it: and though the risk is great, the ultimate success +is worth the venture."</p> + +<p>"Helen," said my mother, "till now I thought +my trials as a wife great, and my duties severe; +but I am convinced that they were easy to bear +and easy to perform, compared to what a fond +wife feels, who is forced to mask misery with +smiles; to substitute undeserved kindness for just +reproach; and to submit even her own superior +judgement, and her own sense of right and wrong, +to the will of her husband."</p> + +<p>"But, dear mother! I shall be repaid and rewarded +at last!"</p> + +<p>"Repaid, rewarded, Helen! how? Who or +what is to repay you? As well can <i>assignats</i> repay +bullion, as the love of a being who has grossly +erred can reward that of one to whom error is +unknown."</p> + +<p>"But he has not grossly erred; and if he had, +I love him," cried I, deeply wounded and appalled +at the truth of what she said.</p> + +<p>"Ah! there it is," she replied; "and thus +does love level all in their turns; the weak with the +strong, the sensible with the foolish. One thing +more, Helen, before you go—You shall have your +mother's countenance and presence to support you +under your new trials: I will condescend to invite +myself to attend rehearsals, and I will be at the +representation."</p> + +<p>I received this offer with gratitude, and then +returned to tell my husband that I would perform +the part of Lady Frances Touchwood.</p> + +<p>He was delighted with my compliance; and on +making me read the part aloud directly he declared +that I should perform to admiration.</p> + +<p>"I should have played Letitia Hardy better," +said I.</p> + +<p>"You! how conceited!"</p> + +<p>"I got that part by heart once, and I have +often acted it quite through for my own amusement +when I was quite alone. But I prefer playing +Lady Frances now, for the days of my vanity are +pretty well over."</p> + +<p>"No, no, child, they are only now beginning, +according to this; and little did I think I had +married a great actress."</p> + +<p>Pendarves then departed in high spirits to his +friends, and I sat down to study my part. But +bitter were the tears I shed over it. And was I, +so lately the mourner over a dying and a dead +child, was I about to engage in dissipations like +these?—But humbly hoping my motive sanctified +my deed, I shook off overwhelming recollections, +and resolved to persevere in my new task.</p> + +<p>For some days, and till all was ready for rehearsals, +Pendarves rehearsed his part to me, and +I to him; but at length he found it pleasanter to +have Lady Martindale hear him, he said, for her +broken English was so amusing.</p> + +<p>I could not oppose to this excellent reason my +being a better judge of his performance, but I +was forced to submit in silence. Now, however, +I was soon called to rehearsals, and my mother +was allowed to accompany me.</p> + +<p>My first performance was wretched, and I +thought Seymour looked ashamed of me; but my +mother said she should have been mortified if I +had done better the first time. The next I gained +credit; but on the third day I found the party in +great distress. The Letitia Hardy had been sent +for to a dying father, and there was no one to +undertake her part. You may easily guess that +Seymour immediately told tales of me, and I +undertook that prominent character: but I did +not shrink from it, for my husband was to act +with me; and Letitia Hardy was not more eager +to charm Doricourt, than I to charm my husband.</p> + +<p>You know there is a minuet to be danced, and +a song to be sung; and as Le Piq and Madame +Rossi were the first dancers when I was young, I +had taken lessons of both in London, and was +said to dance a minuet well. Pendarves was +equally celebrated in that dance; and as we rehearsed +our minuet often at home, each declared +the other perfect; nor was the little song less +warmly applauded, which I substituted for the +original, and adapted to a Scotch air. It applied +to my own situation and feelings as well as to those +of the heroine, and was as follows:</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><th>SONG.</th></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>If now before this splendid throng</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind2"> </span>With timid voice, but daring aim,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>I strive to wake my pensive song</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind2"> </span>And urge the minstrel's tuneful claim;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">One wish alone the anxious task can move,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">The wish to charm the ear of <span class="smallcaps">him I love</span>.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>If in the dance with eager feet</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind2"> </span>I seek a grace before unknown,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And dare the critic eye to meet,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind2"> </span>Nor heed though scornful numbers frown;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">This wish to fear superior bids me prove,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">The wish to charm the eye of <span class="smallcaps">him I love</span>.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And if, my woman's fears resign'd,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind2"> </span>I thus my loved retirement leave,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>My humble vest with roses bind,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind2"> </span>And jewels in my tresses weave;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">One wish alone could such vast efforts move,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">The wish to <i>fix the heart</i> of <span class="smallcaps">him I love</span>.</td></tr> +</table></div> + +<p>The rehearsals meanwhile were pleasanter than +I expected. My husband was forced to be a great +deal with me, as he had to rehearse so much with +me; and Lady Martindale chose to practise her +ballet in her own apartment, in sight of a long +glass. Therefore I had not to bear, as I expected, +my husband's complete neglect; and I could smile +at the meanness which led her to come in while +I was rehearsing, and lament, as she looked on, +loud enough for Seymour and me to hear, that the +<i>charmante</i> Henrietta Goodwin was summoned +away, and could not perform the heroine, because +she did it <i>à ravir</i>. I saw Pendarves change colour +often when she said this, and she said it daily; +but as he thought I much excelled Miss Goodwin, +he attributed it to female envy, and perhaps to +jealousy of me as his wife.</p> + +<p>At length the first day of our theatricals took +place, and a company far more select and less +numerous than I expected was assembled. My +mother had insisted on defraying my expenses, +and both my dresses were elegant. You must +forgive my vanity when I say, that with rouge +replacing my natural bloom, and clad in a most +becoming manner, I looked as young and as well +as when I married; while to my grateful joy my +husband seemed to admire me more than any one. +Indeed he pronounced my whole performance +beyond praise, and I know not what any one else +said. I made one alteration, however, in the text +on the night of representation, which called down +thunders of applause. The Author makes Letitia +Hardy say, that if her husband was unfaithful +she would elope with the first pretty fellow that +asked her, while her feelings preyed on her life. +I could not make my lips utter such words as +these; I therefore said, "I would not elope like +some women, &c. but would patiently endure my +sufferings, though my feelings preyed on my +life."</p> + +<p>Seymour was so surprised, so confounded, and +so affected, that he seized my hand and pressed +it to his heart and his lips before he could reply: +and my mother told me afterwards that she could +scarcely controul her emotions at a change so +worthy of me, and so well-timed. The next representation +was deferred for a week; and, whatever +was the reason, Lady Martindale deferred any +exhibition of herself to that future opportunity.</p> + +<p>But the comfort and the joy of all to me was, +that during this intermediate week I recovered +my husband; and with him some of my good +looks; while that odious lord would very fain have +bestowed on me equal attention to what Seymour +had bestowed on his wife, and of a less equivocal +nature.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles Belmour at this period paid us an +unexpected visit, having entirely recovered from +his late indisposition. I certainly was not glad +to see him, though I believed he regarded me with +more kindness than formerly, and he was evidently +solicitous, by the most respectful attentions, to +conciliate the regard of my beloved mother.</p> + +<p>Out of compliment to Lord Charles, Seymour +dined at home two days; but on the third, he +insisted on taking his friend to call at Oswald +Lodge, whose hospitable master had called on him, +as soon as he heard of his arrival, and was anxious +to have the honour of his acquaintance. Lord +Charles thought the honour would be all on Mr. +Oswald's side, and probably the pleasure also; +but he was at length prevailed on to return the +call, and to my great joy he returned wondering +at Seymour's infatuation in living so much with +such a vulgar set; declaring, that even the Lady +Martindale had more the air of a French <i>petite +maîtresse</i> than of any thing akin to quality. He +said this in my mother's presence and mine, and he +could not have made, I own, better court to +either.</p> + +<p>"My daughter and I always thought so; and I +am glad to have our judgement confirmed by your +lordship," answered my mother. "But my son +thinks differently."</p> + +<p>"I do indeed," said Pendarves blushing; "and +when Lord Charles sees her to advantage,—which +he did not to-day,—he will not, I am sure, wonder +at my admiration."</p> + +<p>"Well, we shall see," said he; "but I trust +I shall not change my mind, if the future exhibitions +of her exquisite ladyship be like that of +to-day. You were not there, ladies; therefore, +for your amusement, allow me to open my show-box +and give you portraits of the inhabitants of +Oswald Lodge."</p> + +<p>He then stood up, and Mr. and Mrs. Oswald +lived before us: air, voice, attitude—all perfectly +given. Then came Lord Martindale; and at these +pictures Pendarves laughed heartily: but when +Lord Charles exhibited the dog and lady by turns +dancing, and sometimes barking for the one, and +throwing himself into attitudes and smiling for +the other, my husband looked much disconcerted, +and said it was a gross caricature. But we did not +think it so; and though neither my mother nor +myself approved such exhibitions, and on principle +discouraged them, still on this occasion I must +own they were very gratifying to me. But the +feeling was an unworthy one, and it was soon +punished; for Seymour said with a look of reproach, +"You have mortified me, Helen: I had +given you credit for more generosity: I did not +think you would thus enjoy a laugh at any one's +expense; especially that of one whose graces and +talents you have yourself acknowledged."</p> + +<p>I felt humbled and ashamed at the just reproof, +though I thought he should not thus have reproved +me, and I was silent; but my mother haughtily +replied, "I am glad to hear you own you are +mortified to find your wife has some leaven of +human frailty; as I am now for the first time +convinced that you appreciate her justly."</p> + +<p>"I have many faults," he replied; "but that +of not valuing Helen as she deserves was never +one of them; and oh! how deeply do I feel and +bitterly lament that I am not more worthy of her +and you!"</p> + +<p>My mother instantly held out her hand to him; +while Lord Charles exclaimed, "What a graceful +and candid avowal! No wonder the offender is so +soon forgiven! But believe me, dear madam, there +is no hope of amendment from persons who are +so ready to own their faults; for they consider +that candour makes amends for all their errors, +and throws such a charm over them, that they +have no motive to improve, especially if they are +young and handsome like my friend here; for +really he looked so pretty, and modest and pathetic, +that I wondered you only gave him your hand to +kiss."</p> + +<p>"Be quiet, Lord Charles; you are not a kind +commentator."</p> + +<p>"But I am a just one. Oh! believe me, there +is more hope of an ugly dog like me, who can't +look affecting, than of such a man as Seymour. +I cannot make error look engaging if I would, +and therefore must reform in good earnest when +I wish to please."</p> + +<p>That night Seymour, who sat up with Lord +Charles, did not come to bed till some hours after +me. I was awake when he entered the room, +and could not help asking him what had kept +them up so late, anticipating his answer only too +well. "We sat up playing piquet," said he in a +cheerful voice; "and I am a great winner, Helen. +If Lord Charles stays some days, and plays as he +did to-night, I am a made man: only think of +my winning a hundred pounds since you left us!"</p> + +<p>"But if Lord Charles should not always play +as he did to-night, and you should lose a hundred +pounds, what is to become of you then?"</p> + +<p>"Psha, Helen! you are always so wise and +cautious: there, there, go to sleep, and do +not alarm yourself concerning what may never +happen."</p> + +<p>But I could not go to sleep, though I said no +more; and I saw that our guest would probably +upset those resolutions to which Pendarves had +for some time adhered. True, he had not been +tempted to break them; but had his desire for +play been strong, he could have sought means to +indulge it. He had not done so, and therefore I +thought him cured; though, as most persons have +recourse to gaming merely to produce excitement, +and the stimulus of alternate hope and fear, I +could not but see that Oswald Lodge and Lady +Martindale amply supplied to my husband the +place of play; and so that he was interested and +amused, it mattered not whence that feeling was +derived. And this was he who had declared himself +the votary of domestic habits, home amusements +and literary pursuits! But now he was most +unexpectedly and unnecessarily assailed; for he +had not gone to temptation, but it was come to +him,—and my resolution was taken.</p> + +<p>The next morning, while we were at breakfast, +a chaise stopped at our door. It was sent from +Oswald Lodge, to convey my husband thither +immediately; as a note from Lady Martindale +informed him, that she could not make arrangements +for the next evening's exhibition without +his advice and assistance: for nobody, she added, +had any taste but himself.</p> + +<p>This note Lord Charles playfully snatched from +him, and would read aloud, much to Seymour's +annoyance; as, though the language was elegant, +there was not a word spelt right, and every rule +of grammar was violated.</p> + +<p>"The education of this well born lady was +much neglected, I see," said Lord Charles: "would +she could spell as well as she can flatter!"</p> + +<p>He then read the concluding compliment aloud.</p> + +<p><i>"C'est un peu fort,"</i> he observed, returning +the note; which Seymour angrily observed he +ought not to have allowed him to read.</p> + +<p>"Well; but you obey the summons, I suppose?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly."</p> + +<p>"And when may we hope to see you again?"</p> + +<p>"As soon as I can get away."</p> + +<p>"That may not be till bed-time."</p> + +<p>"Impossible! have I not promised to give you +your revenge this evening?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; but when a lady's in the case—"</p> + +<p>"Nonsense! I shall return to dinner."</p> + +<p>"And not before? How mortifying it is to me +to see that you are not afraid of leaving me so +many hours at liberty to pay court to your wife,—with +whom, you know, I am desperately in love!"</p> + +<p>"If my wife were not what she is, I should +be so; and my confidence, I assure you, is not in +you, but in her."</p> + +<p>"Besides, we shall not be alone, my lord, for +I am going to challenge you," said I, "to call on +my mother."</p> + +<p>"Agreed! And now I am flattered. Your +lady, you see, thinks me a more formidable person +than you do. Suppose, my dear lady, that we +go off together, only to punish him for his weak +confidence?"</p> + +<p>"We will consider of it," said I, laughing; +"and in the meanwhile we will visit my mother."</p> + +<p>My husband then drove off and I prepared for +my walk.—When I returned, I found Lord Charles +walking up and down the room, and with a thoughtful +disturbed countenance.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Pendarves," cried he, "I have no +patience with that infatuated husband of yours! +Here am I come on purpose to see him and for a +short time only, and yet, at the call of this equivocal +French peeress, he leaves me, and has the +indecorum, too, to go away and leave me with his +beautiful wife! Tell me, do you not believe in love-powders +and philters? for surely some must have +been administered to him."</p> + +<p>"Not necessarily: my ill-health, the consequence +of sorrow, and that sorrow itself made poor Seymour's +home uncomfortable to him; he did not +like to see me suffer, therefore he acquired a +habit of seeking amusement elsewhere; and the +flatteries and invitations of these gay and agreeable +people have at last obtained a complete ascendency +over him."</p> + +<p>"That I see; and such people too! And to +think of what the foolish man leaves! Mrs. Pendarves, +I think that if I had had such a wife as +his, I could not have left my home as he does."</p> + +<p>"Lord Charles," replied I, "this is language +which I will not listen to; but I laugh at your +self-deception. The habits of all men of the +world are similar, and alike powerful, and your +wife would be left as I am: but I assure you that +I am convinced my husband loves me tenderly +notwithstanding; and I am trying, by conforming +to his habits, to make myself as agreeable to him +as others are."</p> + +<p>Lord Charles seemed about to break into violent +exclamations of some kind or other; but I stopped +him, and begged to lead the way to my mother's. +He bowed respectfully, and followed me: then +taking his arm, I tried to begin the conversation +I meditated; and luckily he made my task easy +by saying, "I conclude Pendarves told you how +completely he beat me at cards last night? But +he has promised to give me my revenge to-night. +The truth is, I have not played picquet these two +years; but before I leave you, I expect to recover +my knowledge, and to turn my visit to account: +for I have been very unsuccessful at Brookes's +lately."</p> + +<p>I now stopped, and said, "Hear me, Lord +Charles! I believe that you can be a kind and +honourable man, and that you are really disposed +to be a friend to me."</p> + +<p>"To be sure—to be sure I am."</p> + +<p>"I feel, I own, your power to be my foe in +many essential points, but I am equally sure that +you can be my friend if you choose; and I request +you, if you value my peace of mind, not to tempt +my husband to renew that habit and fondness for +play, which he had lost, which he cannot afford +to indulge, and which, I assure you, has impoverished +and distressed us."</p> + +<p>"You amaze me! Impoverished!"</p> + +<p>"Yes; we have been forced to part with our +horses and dismiss servants. Surely, therefore, +it would not be the part of a friend to lure Pendarves +to the risk of losing a hundred pounds +a-night. My lord, I throw myself on your generosity, +and say no more."</p> + +<p>"You have said enough; and the admirable +wife's prudence shall make amends for the rashness +of her husband. Besides, I am so flattered +by your confidence in me! At last to find you +considering me as a friend, and asking assistance +from me as a friend! I protest I am more flattered +by your friendship than I should be by the love +of twenty other women.—Take my revenge! No, +indeed. He shall keep his hundred pounds: 'I +will none of it.'"</p> + +<p>"Hold; not so: play with him this evening; +but whether you win or lose, declare you will play +no more. I would rather you should win back +the money, and even more; for it may be dangerous +to Seymour to feel himself enriched by play, +and he may go on, though not with you: but +after this evening, forbear."</p> + +<p>"Excellent! excellent! O that ever I should +come hither! I shall be a lost man: for I shall +fancy it so charming a thing to have a wife to take +care of me, that I shall marry, and find too late +there is only one Helen Pendarves!—But tell me, +do you wish me to go away to-day, to-morrow, or +when—in order to put you out of your pain?"</p> + +<p>"By no means: I rely implicitly on your promise; +and I owe it to you to assure you, Lord +Charles, that your company is most welcome to +me, and that I shall not forget your kindness."</p> + +<p>I now offered him my hand, which he was going +to kiss; but suddenly dropping it, he said, "No—no; +take it away.—You must not be too good +to me: I am not a man to be trusted with much +flattery and kindness: for, ugly as I am, the +women have so spoiled me, that I may fancy even +you are kind to me <i>'pour l'amour des mes beaux +yeux'</i>," <a name="fn6r" id="fn6r"></a><a href="#fn6"><sup><span class="small">6</span></sup></a> opening his gooseberry eyes as wide as +he could, and in a manner so irresistibly comic, +that I gave way to that laughter which he delighted +to excite. I therefore entered my mother's parlour +looking more animated than usual, and she +looked most graciously on my companion as the +cause: but she seemed displeased when she found +Pendarves was gone to Oswald Lodge, and had +left me to entertain his noble guest.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn6" id="fn6"></a><a href="#fn6r">6</a>: For the love of my fine eyes.</p> + +<p>I now took my departure, having some poor +cottagers to visit. When I came back, I saw by +the thoughtful brow and flushed cheek of both, +that their conversation had been of a very interesting +nature; and I also saw that there was an +air of confiding intimacy between them, which I +never expected to see between two persons so little +accordant in habits and sentiments.</p> + +<p>But every human being has a capacity for good +as well as evil, and the great difference in us all +results chiefly, I believe, from the favourable or +unfavourable circumstances in which we are placed. +Lord Charles had been so circumstanced, that his +capacity for evil alone had been cultivated; and +till he knew my mother and myself, he had never +met in women any other description of companions +than those whom he courted, conquered, +and despised,—and those whose rigid morals and +disagreeable manners threw him haughtily at a +distance, and made him hate virtue for their sakes. +But now, trusted, noticed, liked by women of a +different kind, his good feelings were awakened; +and while with us, he really was the amiable being +which he might, differently situated, have always +been.</p> + +<p>"I love to be with you," said he to us: "your +influence is so beneficial over me, and you wrap +me in such a pleasing illusion! for while I am +with you I fancy myself as good as you are: but +when I go away, I shall be just as bad again.—Well; +have you nothing to say in reply? How +disappointed I am! for I thought you would in +mercy have exclaimed, 'Then stay here for ever!' +Would I could!"</p> + +<p>And indeed, when he did go, I missed him.—But +to return to the place whence I digressed. +Pendarves came home time enough to take a ride +with Lord Charles, but he took care to let him +see that he expected more attention from him. +That evening he challenged my husband to picquet; +and having won back nearly the whole of what +he had lost, positively declined playing any more: +and, much to Seymour's vexation, he would not +play again while he staid. The second night's +performances at Oswald Lodge now took place; +but though Lord Charles staid to be present at +them, he could not help expressing his astonishment +to me, when alone, that a modest, respectable +gentlewoman like myself should ever have +joined in them, and that my husband should have +permitted it.</p> + +<p>"It is very well for these fiddling, frolicking, +fun-hunting Oswalds," said he, "to fill their +house with persons and things of this sort, and +rant and roar, and kick and jump, and make fools +and tumblers of themselves and such of their +guests as like it: but never did I expect to see the +dignified and retiring Helen Pendarves exhibiting +her person on a stage, and levelling herself to a +Lady Martindale. As your friend, your adoring +friend, I tell you, that such an exhibition degrades +you."</p> + +<p>"It would do so were it my choice, but it is +my necessity; and the fulfilment of a painful duty +exalts rather than degrades."</p> + +<p>"Duty!"</p> + +<p>"Yes; my husband required me to act, and I +obeyed."</p> + +<p>"I understand you. Oh! what a rash, ill-judging +being he is! But I beg your pardon, and +will say no more. Yet I must add, you are justified; +but alas! what can justify him?"</p> + +<p>This conversation did not give me any additional +courage to undertake and execute my task; especially +as I had no reputation as an actress to +lose, and other circumstances increased my timidity.—Lady +Martindale had purposely reserved +all her powers for this evening, and, as she herself +said, she was very glad to have her performance +witnessed by such a judge as Lord Charles Belmour—a +man whose opinion, she knew, was looked +up to in all circles as decisive, with regard to beauty, +grace, and talents. No wonder, therefore, that +to throw her spells round him was become the +object of her ambition. Hitherto he had avoided +her, and she seemed conscious that he did not +admire her. Her only hope was, I believe, therefore, +to charm him at once by a <i>coup de théâtre</i>; +and while she convinced Pendarves that for him +alone she should exert her various powers, her +fascinating graces were in reality aimed at Lord +Charles: so I thought and suspected,—and though +jealousy blinds, it also very often enlightens.</p> + +<p>She was to begin the entertainments by acting +a French proverb with a French gentleman, an +<i>emigré</i>, who was staying at the house; and having +no doubt of her transcendent powers, I felt very +reluctant to enter into competition with her. Yet, +was not the prize for which I strove my husband's +admiration? But then was I not degrading myself +from the dignity of a wife and a private gentlewoman, +by putting myself into a competition +like this? The question was difficult to answer, and +while I was thus ruminating, the curtain drew up.</p> + +<p>I shall not describe her performance: suffice, +that the exhibition was perfect. The dialogue +was epigrammatic, and the scenes too short to let +the attention flag. Every word, every gesture, +every look told; and the curtain dropped amidst +the loudest applauses.</p> + +<p>I could only see from the side-scene; but I saw +enough to make me feel my own inferiority, and +I went on for Letitia Hardy in a tremor of spirits +of which I was quite ashamed; nor could the +kindest of the audience applaud me, except from +pity and the wish to encourage me; while I saw +that Lord Charles could not even do that, and sat +silent, and, I thought, uneasy. However, I recovered +myself in the masquerade scene, though +my voice when I sung still trembled with emotion; +and now I was overwhelmed with plaudits, and +even Lord Charles seemed pleased; for, as I was +masked, I could examine the audience.</p> + +<p>Still the play went off languidly after the lively +petite piece, and I saw I had mortified my husband's +vanity, which my first performance had +gratified.</p> + +<p>Much impatience was expressed for the next +entertainment, which was Rouseau's Pygmalion. +Pygmalion by the French Marquis; the Statue, +by Lady Martindale. This was received with +delight; and I saw that the beautiful statue, whose +exquisite proportions were any thing but concealed +by the dress she wore, absorbed completely the +attention of Pendarves; and when she left the +stage apparently exhausted, how different were +the look and manner with which he led her to her +dressing-room, to those with which he had so +handed me!</p> + +<p>"Why, why," said I to myself, "did I attempt +a comparison, in which I was sure to fail?" +But if I had erred, I had meant well, and my +mother had approved my conduct, and that must +console me under my want of success; for, instead +of winning Seymour back, I now saw that, feeling +my rival's superiority over me, he would be more +her slave than ever.</p> + +<p>The whole concluded with a ballet of action, a +monodrame, by Lady Martindale, to which I was +too uncomfortable to attend; but what I saw I +thought admirable. She pretended to be overcome +with fatigue when it was ended, and fell into my +husband's arms, who in his alarm called me to +her assistance. I went; but her lip retained its +glowing hue, and I saw in her illness nothing but +a new attitude, and that the statue was now recumbent. +Having been long enough contemplated +in this posture, she opened her eyes, fixed +them with a dying look on Pendarves, and then +desired him to lead her to her apartment: whence +she returned attired in a splendid mantle, which +seemed in modesty thrown over her statue dress, +but which coquettishly displayed occasionally the +form it seemed intended to hide.</p> + +<p>I never saw Lord Charles so disconcerted as he +was during the whole of the time. He could not +bear to praise the heroine of the evening, yet he +felt that praise was her due. Nor could he bear +either to find fault with or to praise <i>me</i>. In this +dilemma, he seemed to think it was best to be +silent; and drawing himself up, he entrenched himself +in the consciousness that he was Lord Charles +Belmour. But while Lady Martindale leaned on +Seymour on one side and I on the other, as we +were awaiting the summons to supper, surrounded +by our flatterers, one glance at my dejected +countenance brought back his kinder feelings; and +turning to my mother, who held his arm, he said, +"Shall I tell your fair daughter how enchanted I +was with the masquerade scene?"</p> + +<p>"I assure you," said Seymour, "Helen did +not do herself justice to-night: she did not act as +well as she can act."</p> + +<p>"I should have been very sorry, so much do I +esteem her, to have seen her act better," was his +cold reply. "Would you have your wife, Pendarves, +perform as well as a professional person, +and as if she had been brought up on the stage?"</p> + +<p>"I would wish my wife to do well whatever she +undertakes," replied Seymour.</p> + +<p>"And so she does, and so she <i>did</i>; but if you +do not love her the better (as I am sure you do) +for the graceful timidity which she displayed, I +could not esteem you."</p> + +<p>Lady Martindale, who watched his very look, +now bit her lip, and Seymour did not look pleased. +My mother owned afterwards, that what with +pinching Lord Charles's arm, to see how Lord and +Lady Martindale both were confused by the first +part of his speech, and squeezing it affectionately +from delight at the last, she is very sure Lord +Charles carried her marks with him to London. +<i>I</i> too could scarcely keep the grateful tears from +flowing down my cheeks, which his well timed +kindness brought into my eyes: but I saw that +my expression was not lost upon him.</p> + +<p>Seymour led Lady Martindale to the head of +the supper table, and Lord Charles on account of +his rank was forced to sit next her.</p> + +<p>"Painful pre-eminence!" he whispered to my +mother, who, as I was one of the queens of the +night, insisted on my taking her place on the other +side. Lord Martindale seated himself next me; +and Seymour took the seat vacant by Lady Martindale. +As Lord Charles scarcely noticed her, +except as far as civility commanded, Lady Martindale +soon turned her back on him, and Seymour +and she seemed to forget any one else was present.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles endeavoured by the most unremitting +attentions to conceal from me what must, he +knew, distress me. But he could not do it: I +heard every whisper of their softened voices, and +I dare say my uneasy countenance was a complete +and whimsical contrast to that of Lord Martindale, +who seemed perfectly easy under circumstances +which would have distressed most men, and talked +and laughed with every one in his turn.</p> + +<p>The Lord and Lady of the feast, who were never +tired of exhibitions, now began their usual demands +on the talents of their guests, and were importunate +in soliciting several of them to sing, a custom +which I usually think "more honoured in the +breach than the observance;" but on this occasion +it was welcome to me, especially as I knew +that it must for a time interrupt Seymour's attention +to Lady Martindale. But as the hypochondriac, +when he reads a book on diseases, always +finds his own symptoms in every case before him, +so I in the then existing state of my feelings always +brought home every thing I heard or read to my +own heart; and two of the songs which were sung +that night accorded so well with my own state of +mind, that I felt the tears come into my eyes as +I listened; and during the following one Pendarves +sighed so audibly, that I imagined he felt great +sympathy with the sentiments; and that idea +increased my suffering:—</p> + +<div class="center"> +<table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><th>SONG.</th></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">O that I could recall the day</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>When all my hours to thee were given,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And, as I gazed my soul away,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Thou wert my treasure, world, and heaven!</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Then time on noiseless pinions flew,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And life like one bright morning beam'd:</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Then love around us roses threw,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Which ever fresh and fragrant seem'd.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And are these moments gone for ever?</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And can they ne'er return? <span class="smallcaps">No never.</span></td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">For oh! that cruel traitor Time,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Although he might unheeded move,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Bore off our <span class="smallcaps">youth's</span> luxuriant prime,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And <i>also</i> stole the <i>bloom of</i> <span class="smallcaps">love</span>.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Yet still the thought of raptures past</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Shall gild life's dull remaining store,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">As sinking suns a <i>splendour</i> cast</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>On scenes their <i>presence lights</i> no more.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">But are those raptures gone for ever?</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>And will they ne'er return? <span class="smallcaps">No never.</span></td></tr> +</table> +</div> +<p>The other song was only in unison with my +feelings in the last lines of the last verse. Still, +while my morbid fancy made me consider them as +the expression of my own sentiments, I listened +with such a tell-tale countenance, that my delicacy +was wounded; for I saw that my emotion was +visible to those who sat opposite to me.</p> + +<p>The song was as follows:—</p> + +<h3>FAIREST, SWEETEST, DEAREST,</h3> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> + <tr><th>A SONG.</th></tr> + <tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Say, by what name can I impart</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> My sense, dear girl, of what thou art?</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Nay, though to frown thou darest,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> I'll say thou art of <i>girls the pride</i>:</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> And though that modest lip may chide,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Mary! I'll call thee '<span class="smallcaps">fairest</span>.'</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Yet no—that word can but express</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> The soft and winning loveliness</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>In which the sight thou meetest.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> But not thy heart, thy temper too,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> So good, so sweet—Ha! that will do!</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Mary! I'll call thee '<span class="smallcaps">sweetest</span>.'</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"But 'fairest, sweetest,' vain would be</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> To speak the love I feel for thee:</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>Why smilest thou as thou hearest?"</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> "Because," she cried, "one little name</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> Is all I wish from thee to claim—</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"><span class="ind1"> </span>That <i>precious</i> name is '<span class="smallcaps">dearest</span>.'"</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>You will not, I conclude, imagine that I remember +these songs only from having heard them that +night, especially as they have very little merit; +but the truth is, I was so pleased with them, +because I fancied them applicable to my own +feelings, that I requested them of the gentlemen +who sung, and they were given to me.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles meanwhile listened to the singing +with great impatience, as he had had enough of the +company, which was very numerous, and by no +means as select as it had been before. Indeed at +one table were many persons in whom the observant +eye of Lord Charles discovered associates whose +evident vulgarity made him feel himself out of +his place. However, he could not presume to +break up the party; and as our indefatigable host +and hostess still kept forcing the talents of their +guests into their service, song succeeded to song, +and duet to duet. From one of the latter, however, +sung by a lady and gentleman, I at length derived +a soothing feeling; and in one moment, an observation +of Seymour's, with, as I fancied, a correspondent +and intended expression of countenance, +removed a load from my heart, and my clouded +brow became consciously to myself unclouded +again.</p> + +<p>The words of this healing duet were as follows:—</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><th>DUET.</th></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Say, why art thou pensive, beloved of my heart?</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Indeed I am happy wherever thou art:</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">My eyes I confess toward others may rove,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">But never, believe me, with wishes of love.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And trust me, however my <i>glances</i> may roam,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Of them, and <i>my heart</i>, <span class="smallcaps">thou alone art the home</span>!"</td></tr> +</table> +<p> </p> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> + <tr><th>ANSWER.</th></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Perhaps I am wrong thus dejected to be;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">But my faithful eyes never wander from <i>thee</i>.</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">On beauty and youth <i>I unconsciously</i> gaze,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">No thought, no emotion in me they can raise;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And ah! if thine eyes get the habit to roam,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">How can I <i>be certain</i> they'll <span class="smallcaps">ever come home</span>?"</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Oh! trust thy own charms! See the bee as he flies,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">And visits each blossom of exquisite dies;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">There culls of their sweetness some store for his cell;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">But short are his visits, and prompt his farewell;</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">For still he remembers, howe'er he may roam,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">That <i>hoard of delight</i> which <span class="smallcaps">awaits him at home</span>.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"Then trust me, however thy Henry may roam,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">I feel my best pleasures <span class="smallcaps">await me at home</span>."</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">"I'll try to believe, howsoever thou roam,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left">Thy heart's dearest pleasures await thee at home."</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>"That is a charming duet," cried Seymour +when it was ended. Then leaning behind Lady +Martindale and Lord Charles, and calling to me, +he said, with a look from which my conscious eye +shrunk, "Helen, I admire the sentiment of that +duet. I think, my love, we will get it—we should +sing it <i>con amore</i>, should we not?" I could not +look at him as I replied, "<i>I</i> could, I am sure."</p> + +<p>"Silly girl," he added in a low and kind tone, +"and so, I am sure, could I."</p> + +<p>I then ventured to raise my eyes to his; and his +expression was such, that I felt quite a different +creature, and was able to enjoy the rest of the +evening.</p> + +<p>But why do I enter into these minute and unimportant +details? Let me efface them—but no, +perhaps they may chance to meet the eyes of some +whose hearts have felt the anxieties and the vicissitudes +of mine, and to them they may be interesting.</p> + +<p>Lord Martindale was now requested to favour +the company with a song, and with great good +nature he instantly complied;—while Lord Charles +whispered across me to my mother, "What a disgrace +that fellow is to the peerage!"</p> + +<p>"By his vices I grant you," replied my mother, +"but not by his obliging compliance."</p> + +<p>Lord Charles shrugged up his shoulders and +was about to reply, when Silence was vociferated +rather angrily by the lady of the house, who had +not been blind to the airs which, as she said, +Lord Charles had given himself the whole evening. +Lord Martindale, as may be supposed, was greatly +applauded, on the same principle as that mentioned +by the poet with regard to noble authors:</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">"For if a lord once own the happy lines,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> How the wit brightens! how the taste refines!"</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p class="noindent">and the noisy expressions of admiration which rewarded +a very mediocre performance did not +increase the good humour of our noble guest, +against whom I saw an attack preparing at the +bottom of the table. At length a very pretty girl, +and who had sung with considerable skill, tried +to engage the attention of Lord Charles; and +finding "Sir" was not sufficient, she added "Mr. +Belmour, Sir!" But some one whispered, "He +is a Lord;" on which she said, "Dear me! Well +then, My lord, Lord Belmour;" and Lord Charles +turned towards the pretty speaker, while a half-muttered. +"Vulgar animal!" was audible to my +mother and myself, and formed a ludicrous contrast +to the affectedly respectful attention and bent head +with which he listened to what she had to observe.</p> + +<p>But when he found that the young lady was +requesting him to sing, and that she declared she +had a claim on him, his expression of mingled +<i>hauteur</i>, astonishment, and indignation, was highly +comic, and we who knew him were eagerly expecting +his answer, when we heard him say, having +bowed and smirked his hand affectedly to his heart +at the same time, "with the greatest pleasure in +life;—which wine, claret or Champagne?"</p> + +<p>"Dear me," cried the young lady, "I did not +ask you to drink, but to sing, my lord."</p> + +<p>"Oh! Champagne; very good. Carry a glass +to that young lady:" but she indignantly rejected +it, and repeated her request.</p> + +<p>"I beg pardon," replied the <ins title="original has impractible">impracticable</ins> Lord +Charles, "I thought you said Champagne: then +take claret to the young lady," who in vain exerted +her voice. He remained quite deaf, holding his +ear like a deaf person, much to the amusement +of the company and the confusion of the fair +supplicant, who had been encouraged by the admiring +glances which Lord Charles had till now +bestowed on her, to think that any request from +her would have been attended to.</p> + +<p>Thus far Lord Charles's endangered dignity had +come off with flying colours, as it was no great +affront to be requested to sing by a pretty girl, +even though she had told him that he had a singing +face, and looked like a singer; for the turn which +he had given to her application got the laugh on +his side, and he was very sure that she would not +so presume again. But he was not to be let off +so easily; for Mr. Oswald, who, being almost +"as drunk as a lord," felt himself quite as great +as one, now came behind Lord Charles, and giving +him a sounding blow across the back, exclaimed +with an oath, "Come, now, Belmour, there is a +good fellow, do sing, for I have heard you are a +comical dog when you like."</p> + +<p>If a look could have annihilated, that instant +would the little fat man have disappeared from +off the face of the earth. The glance of Lord +Charles was powerless even to wound Mr. Oswald; +and he was equally unmoved when, scorning even +to answer his importunate host, our friend suddenly +addressed my mother, saying, "I think, +Mrs. Pendarves, you desired me to call your carriage?"</p> + +<p>"You are mistaken, my lord," replied my +mother, with a reproving look which he well understood; +and his tormentor was going to assail +him again, when Seymour, to relieve Lord Charles, +drew him into conversation; and I had just advised +his still irritated guest to remember that +Oswald was intoxicated, when our attention was +attracted to a conversation between Mrs. Oswald +and another lady, of which Lord Charles was the +subject; and it was evident that Mrs. Oswald +spoke of him in no friendly tone.</p> + +<p>"Yes, my lord," said she, "you may look; +we were certainly talking of your lordship."</p> + +<p>"You do me much honour, madam."</p> + +<p>"That is as it may be, my lord; but I was +trying to do you justice, for my friend said it was +pride that prevented your singing; but <i>I</i> said—" (and +here she raised her voice to a shriller and +more ludicrous pitch than usual) "yes, I said, says +I, 'That is impossible, my dear; it cannot be +pride; for if a real peer of the realm,' says I, +'the real thing, condescends to sing and amuse +the company, surely Lord Charles Belmour need +not be above it, who is only a commonly called, +you know.'"</p> + +<p>Instantly, to my consternation, and afterwards +to his own, Lord Charles, thrown off his guard +by this sarcasm, echoed her last words, and gave +her tone and manner so exactly, that the effect +upon the company was irresistible, and a general +laugh ensued; which, to do him justice, shocked +more than it gratified the self-condemned mimic, +who could only for a moment be provoked to violate +the rules of good breeding; and he was completely +subdued, when Mrs. Oswald, with a degree of +forbearance and good-humour which exalted her +in my esteem, observed, "Well, my lord, you +have condescended to exert your talent of mimicry, +though you would not sing; and though it was at +my expense, I am grateful to you, as you have +contributed to amuse my company."</p> + +<p>"Admirably replied!" exclaimed my mother.</p> + +<p>"Excellent, excellent, bravo!" cried Pendarves; +while Lord Charles, admonished, penitent and +ashamed, was not slow to redeem himself from +the sort of disgrace which he had incurred. Rising +gracefully and bowing his head on his clasped +hands, he solicited her pardon for the liberty which +her evident nature had emboldened him to take, +declaring at the same time, that if she forgave him, +it would be long before he should forgive himself.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Oswald, who was really as kind-hearted +as she seemed, readily granted the pardon which +he asked, and he respectfully pressed her offered +hand to his lips. He did more; for while the +carriages were called, he suddenly disappeared, +and in a moment we could have fancied ourselves +at the door of Drury-lane or Covent-garden; for +the offered services of link-boys, the cries of +"Coach, coach," and "Here, your honour," +with all the different sounds, were heard in the +hall; and while the guests listened delighted to +this new and unexpected entertainment, the Oswalds +were, I saw, evidently gratified at finding +that it proceeded from the talent of Lord Charles. +O the unnecessary humiliation to which pride exposes +itself! Had he civilly though firmly refused +the young lady's and Mr. Oswald's request to sing, +and not discovered in the evening his haughty +contempt for the company and his host, or insulted +his hostess, he needed not to have condescended to +an expiatory exhibition from which under other circumstances +his pride would have properly revolted.</p> + +<p>Thus ended this to me disagreeable evening, +which extended far into the morning. The drive +home was pleasant; for Lord Charles, having +reconciled himself to himself by his ample <i>amende +honorable</i>, and by the generous candour with +which he received our reproofs, thought he was +privileged to indulge his less amiable feelings by +turning some of the company into ridicule, and +exhibiting them to the very life before us. I must +own that I again felt an ungenerous pleasure in +some part of the entertainment, namely his mimicry +of Lady Martindale, which I vainly endeavoured +to subdue, and I was glad that, as Pendarves +rode on the box, he did not witness my +degradation. I must add, that both my mother +and myself were gratified to observe that Lord +Charles forbore to mimic our kind but vulgar +host and hostess; and my mother took care to +let him know indirectly that his delicacy was not +lost upon her.</p> + +<p>Another performance was fixed for that day week; +the original Letitia Hardy, however, was expected, +and most gladly did I offer to resign my part to +her. Still, I was mortified to see with how little +concern Pendarves heard me offer my resignation, +and saw it accepted. Alas! not even Lord +Charles's and my mother's joy at my being removed +from a situation which they thought unworthy +of me, could reconcile me to his indifference on +the subject.</p> + +<p>The next day Lord Charles was to leave us; +but I saw that his departure was more welcome to +my husband than to my mother and myself. In +the morning he had requested Pendarves to walk +with him round the grounds, and they returned, +I observed, with disturbed countenances.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles then called, and sat some time +with my mother. What passed between them I +do not know; but their parting was even +affectionate, and his with me was distinguished from +all our other partings by a degree of emotion for +which I could not account.</p> + +<p>"How I shall miss you!" said I, softened by +his dejection.</p> + +<p>"Thank you! I can bear better to leave you +now:" and springing into his carriage he drove +off and I felt forlorn; for I felt that I had lost a +friend: and I also felt that I wanted one who, +like him, had some check over my husband.</p> + +<p>What more shall I say of this painful period of +my life, for which, however, painful as it was, +I would gladly have exchanged that which soon +followed? One day was a transcript of the other. +Pendarves, ever good-natured and kind while he +was at home, seemed to think that he was thereby +justified in leaving me continually; but as I was +not of that opinion, to use a French phrase, <i>je +dépérissois à vue d'œil;</i> and though I affected +to be cheerful, my mother saw that my feelings +were undermining my existence. But not even +to her would I complain of my husband and she +respected my silence too much to wish me to break +it. However she was with me,—she, I felt, never +would forsake me, or love me less; and while I +had her, I was far from being completely miserable. +Alas! what was she not to me? friend, counsellor, +comforter!</p> + +<p>But the decree was gone forth, and even her I +was doomed to resign!</p> + +<p>Not long after Lord Charles had quitted us, +I perceived a visible alteration in my mother's +appearance. I saw that she ate little, that she +was very soon fatigued, and that her fine spirits +were gone. I had no doubt but that she fretted +for my anxieties. I therefore laboured the more +to convince her that I was not as uneasy as she +thought me.</p> + +<p>But how vainly did I try to veil my heart from +her penetrating glance! if there be such a thing +as the art of divination, it is possessed by the +eagle eye of interested affection, and that was hers.</p> + +<p>My mother saw all my secret struggles; she +pitied, she resented their cause; and I have sometimes +feared that she sunk under them.</p> + +<p>One morning, Pendarves on his return from +Oswald Lodge came in with a very animated countenance, +and told us a new description of amusement +was introduced there, namely, archery, and +he must beg me to go with him the next day, and +learn to be an archer. "Lady Martindale," cried +he, "already shoots like Diana herself."</p> + +<p>"The only resemblance, I should think," said +my mother, "which she has to Diana. But what +do you say to this proposal, Helen? I must take +leave to say that, as your mother, you can never +go to Oswald Lodge again with my consent on any +terms: and to engage in this new competition, oh! +never, never!"</p> + +<p>"And why not, madam? There is nothing +indelicate in such an exhibition; and I own my +pride in Helen, as a husband, made me wish to +see her fine form exhibited in the graceful action +of shooting at a target. Besides, as I really wish +if possible to associate her in all my amusements, +I was delighted to think this new pursuit would +have led her to join me in my visits to the Lodge, +and I am really desirous to know on what grounds +you object to her obliging me."</p> + +<p>"On account of the company there. Mr. and +Mrs. Oswald are weak, vain people, fond of courting +persons of quality; and so as they can but be +intimate with a Lord and Lady, they care not of +what description they are. This Lord Martindale +is, I find, a man not much noticed by his equals; +and as to Lady Martindale, the woman who could +so expose her person in the dress of a Statue is not +a fit companion for my daughter, nor your wife."</p> + +<p>"You are severe, madam; but what says Helen?"</p> + +<p>"That my mother does not make sufficient +allowances for the difference of manners and ideas +between a French and an English woman; and +that the dress which shocks us in the former does +not necessarily prove incorrectness of conduct."</p> + +<p>"Incorrectness of conduct! and can your mother +suppose I would introduce my wife to a woman +whom I knew to be incorrect in her conduct?"</p> + +<p>"No, Seymour, no: I do you more justice. +But it is my duty to inform you that it is suspected +this person is Lord Martindale's mistress only, +not his wife."</p> + +<p>"Not his wife!" interrupted Seymour.</p> + +<p>"No, so I am informed. As to him, you know +his character is so infamous that one can wonder +at nothing he does; and he has been suspected +of being a spy for the French convention, as well +as the lady."</p> + +<p>"Madam," said Seymour, "I thought you +had been above listening to tales like these, and +I cannot think myself justified in acting upon +them. On the contrary, by taking my wife to +the Lodge, I think it right to show my disregard of +them, especially as by staying away, and by her +distant manner when there, Helen has already +injured the character of Lady Martindale, and +made even my attentions to her the source of +calumny. This the afflicted lady told me with +tears and lamentations, and Helen's renewed visits +can alone repair the injury her absence has done."</p> + +<p>"So, then, this is the real reason of your +wishing to make Helen a sharer in your amusements, +and to exhibit her fine form to advantage!" +exclaimed my mother indignantly. "But, Mr. +Pendarves, if your constant visits are injurious to +the fame of this afflicted lady, you know your +remedy—discontinue them; for never, with my +consent, shall my virtuous daughter lend her +assistance to shield any one from the infamy which +they deserve."</p> + +<p>"Deserve, madam!" cried Seymour, as indignant +as she was: "repeat that, and, spite of the +love and reverence I bear you, I shall exert a +husband's lawful authority, and see who dares +dispute it."</p> + +<p>"Not I," she replied, folding her arms submissively +on her breast, "and still less that poor +trembling girl. No, Pendarves, my only resource +now is supplication and entreaty: and I conjure +you, by the dear name of your beloved mother, +and by the memory of past fond and endearing +circumstances, and hours, to grant the prayer of +a dying woman, and not to force your wife to this +abode of revelry and riot. I feel my days are +already numbered; and when I am taken from +you, bitter will be your recollections if you refuse, +my son, and soothing if you grant my prayer. +I know you, Seymour, and I know that you +cannot do any great cruelty without great remorse."</p> + +<p>It was some moments before Pendarves could +speak; at length he said—"Your request alone +would have been sufficient, without your calling +up such agonizing ideas. Helen, my best love, +tell your mother you shall never go to Oswald +Lodge again." He then put his handkerchief to +his eyes, and rushed out of the room.</p> + +<p>"The foolish boy's heart is in the right place +still," said my mother, giving way to tears, but +smiling at the same time.</p> + +<p>But I, alas! could neither smile nor speak. +She had called herself a dying woman; and through +the rest of the day I could do nothing but look +at and watch her, and go out of the room to +weep; and my night was passed in wretchedness +and prayer.</p> + +<p>The next day I found my husband cold and +sullen in manner; and I suspected that, having +engaged to bring me to Oswald Lodge, he was +mortified and ashamed to go thither without me, +and would, I doubted not, make some excuse for +my staying away which was not strictly true.</p> + +<p>No one could feel more strongly or more +virtuously than Pendarves: but good feelings, +unless they are under the guard of strict principles, +are subject to run away when summoned by +the voice of pleasure and of error: and before he +set off for the archery ground, he told me he +sincerely repented his promise to my mother.</p> + +<p>I did not reply, but shook my head mournfully.</p> + +<p>"Psha!" said he, "that ever a fine woman +like you, Helen, should wish to appear in her +husband's eyes little better than a constant <i>memento +mori!</i> Helen, an arrow cannot fly as far +in a wet as in a dry air; and a laughing eye hits +<ins title="original has were">where</ins> a tearful one fails. You see I already steal +my metaphors from my new study. But, good +bye, sweet Helen! and when I return let me find +you a little less dismal."</p> + +<p>This was not the way to make me so; nor were +his daily visits at this seducing house, which began +in the morning, and lasted till he came home to +dress for dinner; he then returned thither to stay +till evening. At last he chose to dress there, and +he did not return till night; nor, perhaps, would +he have done that, had there not been some house-breaking +in our neighbourhood, and he was afraid +of leaving the house so ill-defended. I think that +pique and resentment had some share in making +him thus increase in the length as well as constancy +of his visits; for I saw but too clearly that he +continued offended with my poor mother: and I +doubted not but that he had owned she was the +cause of my refusal to visit at the house, and that +Lady Martindale had added full force to this bitter +feeling.</p> + +<p>But he soon lost all resentment against my +beloved parent.—Not very long after his painful +conversation with her I was summoned to her, +as she was too ill to rise, and had sent for medical +advice.</p> + +<p>"Go for my husband instantly," cried I.</p> + +<p>"My mistress forbade me go for him," replied +her faithful Juan (one of my father's manumised +slaves), "and I canno go."</p> + +<p>"Then she does not think very ill of herself?" +said I.</p> + +<p>"No, but I think very bad indeed."</p> + +<p>And when I saw her, my fears were as strongly +excited.</p> + +<p>"I am going, I am going fast, my child," said +she: "but I do not wish to have Pendarves sent +for yet: I wish to have you a little while without +any divided feelings, and all my own once more; +when he comes, the wife will seduce away the child."</p> + +<p>"How can you think so?" said I, giving way +to an agony of grief; "and how can you be so +barbarous as to tell me you are dying?"</p> + +<p>"My poor child! I wished long ago to prepare +you, but you would not be prepared. For your +sake I still wished to live. You would have better +spared me years ago, Helen! but this is cruel; +and I will try to behave better."</p> + +<p>As soon as her physician arrived, and had felt +her pulse, I saw by his countenance that he was +considerably alarmed; and the first feeling of my +heart was to send for my husband, for him on +whom I had been accustomed to rely in the hour +of affliction. But I dared not, after what had passed! +and I tried to rally all the powers of my mind to +meet the impending evil, while I raised my thoughts +to Him who listens to the cry of the orphan.</p> + +<p>The physician had promised to come again in +the evening. He did so; and then I learnt that +there was indeed no hope; and I also learnt, by +the agony of that moment, that I had in reality +hoped till then; and, more like an automaton then +aught alive, I sat by the fast exhausting sufferer.</p> + +<p>Pendarves returned at night, and heard with +anguish uncontrollable, not only that my mother +was dying, but had forbidden that he should be +sent for; and he arrived at the house in a state +little short of distraction, nor could he be kept +from the chamber of death.</p> + +<p>His countenance, as he stood at the foot of the +bed, told all the agony of his mind. They tell +me so, for I saw him not; I could only see that +object whom I was soon to behold no more!</p> + +<p>My mother knew him; read, no doubt, all his +wild wan look expressed; and smiling kindly, +held out her hand to him. He was instantly on +his knees by her bed-side; and she seemed, from +the look she gave him, to feel all the maternal +love for him revive which she had experienced +through life.</p> + +<p>Your husband, my dear friend, now came to +perform his interesting duty, and we left her +alone with him.</p> + +<p>Oh! what a night succeeded! But Pendarves +felt more than I. My faculties were benumbed: +I had made such unnatural efforts for some time +past to appear cheerful, while my heart was breaking, +that I was too much exhausted to be able to +endure this new demand on my fortitude and my +strength; therefore already was that merciful +stupor coming over me, which saved, I firmly believe, +both my life and my reason.</p> + +<p>My mother frequently, during that night, joined +my hand in that of Pendarves, grasped them thus +united, while her eyes were raised to heaven in +prayer, but spoke not. At length, however, just +as the last moment was approaching, she faltered +out—"Seymour, be kind, be very kind to my +poor child; she has only you now."</p> + +<p>He replied by clasping me to his breast; and +in one moment more all was over!</p> + +<p>You know what followed; you know that for +many weeks I was blessedly unconscious of every +thing, and that I lay between death and life under +the dominion of fever. My first return of consciousness +and of speech showed itself thus:—I +heard voices below, and recognised them, no doubt, +as female voices; for I drew back the curtain, and +asked my mother's faithful Alice whose voice I +heard. But the joy my speaking gave the poor +creature was instantly damped, for I added—"But +I conclude it is my mother's voice, and I +dare say she will be here presently."</p> + +<p>Alice, bursting into tears, replied—"Your +blessed mother never come now."</p> + +<p>"Oh, but by-and-by will do:" and I closed +my eyes again.</p> + +<p>Alice now ran down stairs to call my husband, +and tell him what had passed. The voices I heard +were those of Mrs. Oswald and Lady Martindale, +who had called every day to inquire for me; and +Pendarves had been this day prevailed upon to go +down to them. But he bitterly repented his +complaisance when he found I had heard them +talking; though he rejoiced in my restored hearing, +which had seemed quite gone. He hastily, therefore, +dismissed his visitors, and resumed his station by +my bed-side. I knew him, and spoke to him; +but damped all his satisfaction by asking for my +mother, and wondering where she was. He could +not answer me, and was doubtful what he ought +to reply when he recovered himself.</p> + +<p>At this moment the physician entered; and +hearing what had passed, declared that the sooner +he could make me understand what had happened, +and shed tears (for I had shed none yet), the +sooner I should recover, and he advised his beginning +to do it directly.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, when I again asked for her he +said—"Do you not see my black coat, Helen? +and do you not remember our loss?"</p> + +<p>"O, yes; but I thought our mourning for the +dear child was over."</p> + +<p>"You see!" said Pendarves mournfully.</p> + +<p>The physician replied—"Till her memory is +restored, though her life is spared, a cure is far +distant; but persevere."</p> + +<p>In a fortnight I was able to take air; but I +still wondered where my mother was, though I +soon forgot her again.</p> + +<p>But one day Pendarves asked me if I would go +and visit the grave of my child, which I had not +visited for some time. I thankfully complied, and +he dragged me in a garden chair to the church door.</p> + +<p>It was not without considerable emotion that he +supported me to that marble slab which now +covered my mother as well as my child, and I +caught some of his trembling agitation.</p> + +<p>"Look there, my poor Helen!" said he.</p> + +<p>I did look, and read the name of my child.</p> + +<p>"Look lower yet."</p> + +<p>I did so, and the words 'Julia Pendarves;' +with the sad <i>et cetera</i>, met my view, and seemed +to restore my shattered comprehension.</p> + +<p>In a moment the whole agonizing truth rushed +upon my mind; and throwing myself on the cold +stone, I called upon my departed parent, and wept +till I was deluged in tears, and had sobbed myself +into the stillness of exhaustion.</p> + +<p>"Thank God! thou art restored, my beloved, +and all will yet, I trust, be well," said my husband +as he bore me away.</p> + +<p>From that time my memory returned, and with +it so acute a feeling of what I had lost, that I fear +I was ungrateful enough to regret my imbecility.</p> + +<p>I now insisted on hearing details of all that +had occurred since my illness; and I found that +my uncle and aunt had come down to attend the +funeral of my mother, and that Lord Charles had +attended uninvited to pay her that tribute of +respect, nor had he returned to London till my +life was declared out of danger. How deeply I +felt this attention! I also heard that the ladies at +the Lodge pestered my husband with letters, to +prevail on him to spare his sensibility the pain of +following my lost parent to the grave: but that, +however he shrunk from the task, he had treated +their request with the utmost disregard, saying, +that if he had no other motive, the certainty that +he was doing what <i>I</i> should have wished, was +sufficient.</p> + +<p>When I was quite restored to strength, both of +mind and body, Pendarves gave me the key of +my mother's papers, which he had carefully sealed +up. My mother left no will, as she wished me to +inherit every thing; but in a little paper directed +to Pendarves she desired that an income might +be settled on Juan and Alice, which would make +them comfortable and independent for life; that +her friends the De Waldens might have some +memorial of her given to them; and that Lord +Charles might have her travelling writing-desk.</p> + +<p>Oh! what overwhelming feelings I endured +while looking over her papers, containing a sketch +of her life, her reflections and prayers when I +married Pendarves, a character of Lady Helen, +of her husband and of my father, and many +fragments, all indicative of a mother's love and +a mother's anxiety! But tender sorrow was suspended +by curiosity, when I found one letter from +Ferdinand de Walden! It was evidently written +in answer to one from her, in which she had +described me as suffering deeply, but, on principle, +trying to appear cheerful, and for her sake dutifully +trying to conceal from her the agony of my heart. +What else she had said, was very evident from the +part of the letter which I transcribe, translating +it from the French.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>"Yes! you only, I believe, do me justice. I +should have been a more devoted husband than +Pendarves; having my affections built, I trust, +on a firmer foundation than his, viz. a purifying +faith, and its result, pure habits. Still, I know +not how to excuse his conduct towards such an +angel! for oh! that faded cheek, and that shrunk +form, that dejection of spirits from a mother's +sorrows which seem to have alienated him, would +have endeared her to me still more fondly—"</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>I had resolution enough, my dear friend, to +pause here, and read no more: nay, distrusting +my own strength, I had the courage to commit +the dangerous letter to the flames, and that was +indeed an exertion of duty.</p> + +<p>I shall pass lightly and rapidly over the next +few months.—My husband gradually resumed his +intercourse at the Lodge; while I, to conceal as +much as possible his neglect, paid and received +visits; and Mrs. Ridley and my aunt were by turns +my guests, for I had now lost my dread of the +latter. She had nothing to tell but what I knew +already, except that she believed my husband more +criminal than I did or could think him, and that +I positively forbade her ever to name him to me +again. I also visited you, and did all I could to +fly from that feeling of conscious desolation which +was ever present to me since I lost my mother. +In all other afflictions I had her to rely upon; I +had her to sooth and to comfort me: but who had +I to console me for the loss of her? on whose +never-to-be-abated tenderness could I rely? Other +ties, if destroyed, may be formed again; but we +can have parents only once; and I had lost my +mother, my sole surviving parent, at a moment +when I wanted her most. Still, I roused myself +from my lethargy of grief, and 'sorrowed' not +like 'one without hope.' But the misery of disappointed +and wounded affections preyed on me +while tenderer woes slumbered, and my health +continued to fade, my youth to decay.</p> + +<p>My kind aunt and Mrs. Ridley were both just +come on a visit to me, when Pendarves signified +his intention of accompanying his friends on a +tour to the Lakes. He said his health had suffered +much from his anxiety during my illness, and he +thought the journey would do him good.</p> + +<p>"Then take your wife a journey," cried my +aunt bluntly: "she wants it more than you do."</p> + +<p>"She will not accompany my friends," replied +he; "and my word is pledged to go with them."</p> + +<p>"Is a pledge given to friends more sacred than +duty to a wife, Mr. Seymour Pendarves?"</p> + +<p>"Is it a husband's duty never to stir without +his wife, madam?"</p> + +<p>"My dear aunt, you forget," said I, "how unfit +I am to travel: quiet and home suit me best."</p> + +<p>"It is well they do," said my aunt; and Seymour +left the room.</p> + +<p>I will pass over the time that intervened before +Seymour's departure: suffice that I tried to attribute +his still frequent absences from home to his +dislike of his aunt's society; and in the meanwhile +I masked an aching heart in smiles, that no one +might have the authority of my dejected spirits +to found an accusation of my husband upon.</p> + +<p>At length the day of Seymour's departure arrived, +and we had an affectionate and on my side +a tearful parting: but I recovered myself soon; +and though I deeply felt the unkindness of his +leaving me after my recent affliction, I declared +it the wisest thing he could do, and that I hoped +he would find me fat and cheerful at his return. +But I saw I did not convert my auditors; and that +Lord Charles Belmour, who called to inquire +after my health, absolutely started when he found +that Seymour was gone away on a journey. I +could not bear this, but left the room; for I could +not, would not, either by word or look, blame +my husband; and I could not bear to observe +that he was blamed by others.</p> + +<p>At the end of three weeks my uncle came down +to fetch his wife; and I heard, with a satisfaction +which I could not conceal, that my uncle hoped +he should be able to prove that Lady Martindale, +as she was called, was a spy of the Convention, +and that he could get her sent out of the country +on the Alien Bill; for that she was undoubtedly +the mistress, not the wife, of Lord Martindale. +I also learnt that Lord Charles had been indefatigable +in using his exertions and his interest to +effect this purpose, in hopes, as my aunt said, +of opening my husband's eyes; and she thought, +when he saw that his uncle and his friend were +thus active and watchful to save him from perdition, +that he could not refuse to be convinced +and saved.</p> + +<p>Alas! we none of us as yet knew Pendarves. +We did not know that in proportion to conscious +strength of mind is the capacity of conviction—and +that no one is so jealous of interference, and +so averse to being proved in the wrong, as those +who are most prone to err and most conscious of +weakness. My uncle and aunt went away in high +spirits at the idea of the good which was going to +accrue to me from their exertions, and left me +much cheered in my prospects, little thinking of +the blow which these exertions were ensuring to me.</p> + +<p>My husband wrote to me on his journey about +twice a week; but as he rarely did so till the post +was just going out, or the horses were waiting, I +was convinced, either that he had lost all remains +of tenderness for me, or that, conscious of acting +ill, he could not bear to write.</p> + +<p>When he had been gone two months, I was +expecting his arrival in London every day, and +with no small anxiety; for my uncle had written +me word, that as soon as Annette Beauvais (for +that <i>was</i> her real name) arrived in town, she would +be seized by the officers employed by Government, +and be shipped off directly for Altona—whither +Lord Martindale, who was reckoned a dangerous +disloyal subject, would be advised to accompany her.</p> + +<p>But while I was pleasing myself with the idea +that Pendarves, when convinced of the real character +of those with whom he associated so intimately, +would return to me thankful for the +discovery, and that in the detected courtesan and +spy he would forget the fascinating companion, +a very different end was preparing for the well-intentioned +plans of our friend and relation.</p> + +<p>Pendarves, not choosing to fail in respect to his +uncle, and resolved to consider himself as on good +terms with him, called at his house in Stratford +Place; but unfortunately found only Mrs. Pendarves. +The consequence you may easily foresee. +She reproached him with his cruel neglect of his +wife, and then triumphed in the approaching +discomfiture of that wicked woman who had lured +him from her; informing him with great exultation, +that his uncle had procured her arrestation; that +she would be taken up directly, and sent abroad; +and that his angel-wife was expecting his return +to her with eager and affectionate love.</p> + +<p>"And was my wife privy to this injustice and +this outrage?" asked Pendarves, with a faltering +voice and a flashing eye.</p> + +<p>"To be sure she was."</p> + +<p>"Then she may expect me, madam, but I will +never return!" Having said this, he rushed +from the house, and hurried back to the lodgings. +He found Lady Martindale, as she still persisted +in calling herself, in fits, and Lord Martindale +threatening, but in vain. The warrant was +executed, and the lady forced to set off, her lord +having a hint given him, which made his retreat +advisable also.</p> + +<p>"You shall not go <i>alone</i>, my friends," said +Pendarves, as soon as he saw that their banishment +was certain; "and as my family have presumed to +procure your exile, they shall find that they have +exiled me too."</p> + +<p>So saying, he left the house, gained a passport +as an American, which you know he was, as well +as myself, by birth, and soon overtaking them, +he travelled with them, and embarked with them +for Altona.</p> + +<p>He wrote to me from the port whence they +embarked, and such a letter! I thought I should +never have held up my head after it. He reproached +me for joining the mean cabal against an injured +and innocent woman, and declared that as I and +his uncle had caused her exile, he felt it his duty +to sooth and to share it.</p> + +<p>In a postscript he told me he had drawn for all +the money that was in his banker's hands, before +he set out on his journey: that he wished me to +let our house, and remove into my mother's, which +was still empty; that he trusted I would not let +him want in a foreign land; for in some respects +he knew I could be generous; but that he feared +the income of his fortune must be appropriated +to the payment of his debts, which were so many, +he feared he could not return, even if he wished +it, except at the danger of losing his personal +liberty. He trusted therefore that I would join +my uncle in settling his affairs; and if he wanted +money to support him, he knew I would spare +him some out of the fortune which came to me on +the death of my mother, the income of which I, +and I alone, could receive.</p> + +<p>In the midst of the wretchedness inflicted by +this letter—for it was my nature to cling to hope, +I eagerly caught at the high idea of my conjugal +virtues which this cruel letter implied; and I +trusted that, when intimate association had completely +unmasked this Syren and her paramour, +he would prize me the more from contrast, and +hasten home to receive my eagerly-bestowed forgiveness. +But the order to let the house was so indicative +of a separation meant to be long, if not +eternal, that again and again I went from hope to +despair. But there was one sorrow converted into +rejoicing. Till now I had grieved that my mother +was no more: but now I rejoiced to think that +this last terrible blow was spared her; that she +did not live to witness the grief of her worse than +widowed daughter, nor to see the degradation of +the beloved son of her idolized Lady Helen. Degradation +did I say? Yes: but I still persisted to +excuse my husband, and would not own even to +myself that he was without excuse for his conduct. +I thought it was generous in him not to forsake +his friends in their distress, nor would I allow any +one to hint at the probability that his female companion +was his mistress.</p> + +<p>I also resolved to justify his reliance on my exertions +and my generosity. I wrote to my uncle, +I made myself acquainted with all his embarrassments, +I dismissed every servant but Alice and +Juan, and I set apart two-thirds of my income +also for payment of the debts.</p> + +<p>My uncle would fain have interfered, and advanced +me the money; but I had a pride in making +sacrifices for my husband's sake, and I wished +Mr. Pendarves to leave him money in his will, as +a resource for him when he should return to +England, and I should be no more; for I fancied +that I was far gone in a rapid decline. But I +mistook nervous symptoms, the result of a distressed +mind, for consumptive ones; and to my +great surprise, when I had arranged my husband's +affairs, and had, while so employed, been forced +to visit London once or twice, and associate with +the friends who loved and honoured me, my pain +of the side decreased, my pulse became slower, +my appetite returned, and I recovered something +of my former appearance. But it was now the +end of the winter of 1793, and the reign of terror +had long been begun in France, while we heard +from every quarter that the English there were in +the utmost danger, on account of the unpopularity +of the English Government; that all were leaving +France who could get away; and Pendarves was +gone to Paris! But then he was an American. +Still, I could not divest myself of fears for his +life; and the horrible idea of his pining in a foreign +land, in a prison and in poverty, (for, though he +had written to say he was arrived in Paris, he had +not drawn for money, nor given his address,) +haunted me continually. To be brief: you know +how the idea of my husband's danger took entire +possession of my imagination, till I conceived it +to be my duty to set off for Paris.</p> + +<p>You remember, that you and your husband both +dissuaded me from the rash and hazardous undertaking; +and that I replied, "I have now but one +object of interest in the world, the husband of +my love! True, a romantic generosity, and what +he calls just resentment, have led him for the present +to forsake his country and me; but that is +no reason why I should forsake him; and who +knows but that the result of my self-devotion may +restore him to me more attached than ever?" +You know that you listened, admired, and almost +encouraged me; and that you have always considered +this determination, as the crown of my +conjugal glory, and held it up as a bright example +of a wife's duty. But, my dear friend, my own +sobered judgement and the lessons of experience, +together with reproof from lips that never can +deceive, and a judgement that can rarely err, +have convinced me that I rather violated than +performed a wife's duty when I set off on this romantic +expedition to France.</p> + +<p>No: if ever I deserved the character of a good +wife, it was from the passive fortitude and the +patient spirit with which I bore up against neglect, +wounded affections, and slighted tenderness. It +was the sense of duty which led me to throw a +veil over my husband's faults, which held him up +when his own errors had cast him down, and which +led me still, in strict compliance with my marriage +vows, to obey and honour him by all a wife's +attentions, even when I feared that he deserved +not my esteem.</p> + +<p>But to go on with my narrative. My uncle and +aunt came down to reason me out of my folly, as +they called it; and my uncle thought he held a +very persuasive argument, for he told me he felt +it indelicate for me to intrude myself and my fondness +on a husband who had showed he did not +value it, and had chosen to escape from me.</p> + +<p>"But I do not <i>mean</i> to intrude upon him," I +replied; "I mean to be concealed in Paris, and +with Alice and Juan to attend me; I fear nothing +for myself, nor need you fear for me."</p> + +<p>"What!" cried my aunt, "be in Paris, and +not let the vile man know you are there? <i>I</i> should +discover myself, if it were only for the sake of +reproaching him; for I should treat him very +differently, I assure you. <i>I</i> should show him</p> + +<div class="center"> + <table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="poem"> +<tr><td align="left">'Earth has a rage with love to hatred turned,</td></tr> +<tr><td align="left"> And love has fury by a woman spurned.'"</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<p>"But you are not Helen, my dear," said my +uncle, meekly sighing as he always did over her +misquotations; and still he argued, and I resisted, +when I obtained an unexpected assistant in our +kind physician.</p> + +<p>"My dear sir," said he, "if your niece remains +here in compliance with your wishes, I well know +that her mind and her feelings will prey upon her +life, and ultimately destroy it, if they do not unsettle +her reason. But if she is allowed to be +active and to indulge at whatever risk her devoted +affection to her husband, depend on it she will be +well and comparatively happy: nor do I see that +she runs any great risk. She is an American; +her two servants are the same, and are most devotedly +attached to her: and I give my opinion, +both as a physician and a friend, that she had +better go."</p> + +<p>Oh, how I loved the good old man for what he +said! and my uncle and aunt were now contented +to yield the point; but my uncle insisted on defraying +all my expenses.</p> + +<p>"They will be trifling," said I; "for I shall not +choose to travel as a lady, but to dress as plainly, +travel as cheaply, and attract as little attention <ins title="original has as as">as</ins> +I can."</p> + +<p>This he approved; but, in case I should want +money to purchase services either for myself or +my husband, he insisted on my sewing into my +stays ten bank notes of a hundred pounds each, +and I accepted them in case of emergencies, as I +thought I had no right to refuse what might be of +service to my husband.</p> + +<p>"Would I were not an old man!" said my +uncle; "then you should not go alone, Helen." +But I convinced him that any English friend would +only be a detriment to me.</p> + +<p>Lord Charles Belmour, on hearing of my design, +left London, and the career of dissipation in which +he was ever engaged, to argue with me, to expostulate +with me, to entreat that I would not go, +and risk my precious life, which no man living +was worthy to have sacrificed for him, and then +burst into tears of genuine feeling when he bade +me adieu, wishing that "Heaven had made him +such a woman;" and, while envying the husband +of a virtuous wife, went back to a new mistress, +and renewed his course of error.</p> + +<p>At length the day of my departure arrived; and +plainly attired, I set off for the port of Great +Yarmouth, attended by my two faithful servants.</p> + +<p>Juan and Alice were both slaves on part of our +American property; but they were born on the +estate of a French proprietor, therefore French +was their native tongue, which was a fortunate +circumstance. As soon as my father was their +master he made them free, and they became man +and wife. They had lived with my mother ever +since. She, as I before said, had desired they +should be made independent for life. It is no +wonder, therefore, the faithful creatures were devoted +to the daughter of their benefactress, and I +had the most cheering confidence in the tried +sagacity as well as integrity of both. Their colour, +you know, was what is called mulatto, and their +appearance was less distinguished by ugliness than +is usually the case with such persons.</p> + +<p>I thought it necessary to give this little history +of two beings whom I learnt to love even in childhood, +and who in the season of my affliction added +to that love the feeling of interminable gratitude.</p> + +<p>Well, behold us landed at Altona, and designated +in our passports as Mrs. Helen Pendarves, and +Juan and Alice Duval, Americans. After a tedious +journey in the carts of the country, and sometimes +in its horrible waggons, behold me also arrived in +the metropolis of blood, passports examined and +approved, and all my greatest difficulties at an end. +So relieved was my mind, when every thing was +arranged and I had hitherto gotten on so well, +that my affectionate companions observed with +delighted wonder, that my cheek glowed and my +eyes sparkled once more: but cautious Juan advised +me to hide my face as much as possible, for +there were no such faces in Paris, he believed.</p> + +<p>When however I found myself in Paris, when I +knew that the being I loved best was there, and +yet I dared not seek him, sorrow destroyed my +recovered bloom again, and tears dimmed my eyes. +Yet still I felt a strange overpowering satisfaction +in knowing that I was near him; and when we +had found out his abode, I thought that I could +perhaps contrive to see him, myself unseen. But +I found a letter addressed to me <i>poste restante</i>, +which not only dimmed the brightness of my prospects, +but damped much of my enthusiastic ardour +in the task which I had undertaken, and even +abated some of my tenderness for Pendarves: for +I could no longer shut my eyes to the nature of +his attachment to Annette Beauvais.</p> + +<p>My uncle told me in his letter that Lord Martindale +was returned to London, but could not stay +there, and was on his way to America; that he +had met him in a shop, that on hearing his name, +Lord Martindale had the effrontery to introduce +himself and thanked him for having enabled him +so easily to get rid of a mistress of whom he was +tired.</p> + +<p>"Indeed," said he, "I am much obliged to the +family of Pendarves; for the uncle forces my +mistress to go back to her native place, and the +nephew takes her off my hands, and under his +own protection.</p> + +<p>"And I have the honour to assure you, sir," +said he, "that if you visit Paris, and the Rue +Rivoli, <i>numero</i> 22, you will there find your nephew +romantically happy with a most fascinating <i>chere +amie</i> who had once the honour of bearing my +name."</p> + +<p>"I turned from him," adds my uncle, "with +disgust, as you, I hope, will turn from your unworthy +husband, and come back, my dearest niece, +to your affectionate and anxious uncle."</p> + +<p>For one moment I felt inclined to obey his wishes—my +husband really living with an abandoned +woman, as her avowed protector! wife, country, +reputation, sacrificed for her sake!</p> + +<p>Horrible and disgusting it was indeed! but I +soon recollected, that if it was really a duty in me +to come to Paris for his sake at all, it was equally +a duty now, for his criminality could not destroy +his claims on my duty; nor could his breach of +duty excuse the neglect of mine. In short, +whether love or conscience influenced me, I know +not, but I resolved to stay where I was. And so +he was in the Rue Rivoli! I was glad to know +where he was, but I did not as before wish to see +him, and even to gaze on him unseen. No: I +felt him degraded, and I thought that I should +now turn away if I met him.</p> + +<p>We took a pleasant and retired lodging on the +Italian Boulevards; but I soon found that in this +situation we were not likely to learn any tidings of +Pendarves; and by the time we had been ten days +at Paris, Juan and I resolved, having first felt +our way, to put a plan which we had formed into +execution.</p> + +<p>It was absolutely necessary that we should have +opportunities of knowing what was going forward +in public affairs, in order to learn the degree of +safety or of danger in which Pendarves was; and +if Madame Beauvais had really been a spy in London +for the Convention, she must be connected +with the governing persons in Paris.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, we hired a small house which had +stood empty some time in a street through which +most of the members of the National Convention +were likely to pass in their way to and fro. The +street door opened into a front parlour, and that +into a second parlour: of this with a kitchen and +two chambers consisted the whole of the house. +Humble as it was, I assure you it was on the plan +of one which Robespierre occupied in the zenith +of his power.</p> + +<p>The windows of the front parlour Juan converted +into a sort of shop window; and as he and his +wife were both good bakers, they filled it with a +variety of cakes, which they called <i>gateaux républicains</i>; +and it was not long before, to our great +joy, they obtained an excellent sale for their commodity. +This emboldened us to launch out still +more; and in hopes that our shop might become +a sort of resting and lounging place to the men in +power as they passed, Juan put a coat of paint on +the outside of the house, converted the parlour +into a complete shop, and at length put a notice +over the door in large tricolour letters, importing +that at such hours every day plum and plain pudding +<i>à l'Américaine</i> was to be had <i>hot</i>, as well as +<i>gateaux républicains</i>.</p> + +<p>If this <i>affiche</i> succeeded, there was a chance of +Juan's hearing something relative to the objects of +our anxiety from the members of the Convention, +while I myself, hidden behind the glass door of +the back parlour, might also overhear some to +me important conversation. At any rate, it was +worth the trial; and experience proved that the +scheme was not as visionary as it at first appeared.</p> + +<p>It was not without considerable emotion that I +saw our shop opened, and business prospering. +Never, surely, was there a more curious and singular +situation than mine. Think of me, the +daughter of an American Loyalist, living an unprotected +woman in the metropolis of republican +France, and helping to make puddings and cakes +for the members of the National Convention!</p> + +<p>Though I have never paused in my narrative to +mention politics, still you cannot suppose that I +was ignorant of what was passing on the great +theatre of the Continent, nor that the names of +the chief actors in it were unknown to me. On +the contrary, I often beguiled my lonely hours +with reading the accounts of the proceedings at +Paris; had mourned not only over the fate of the +royal family, but had deplored the death of those +highly gifted men, and that great though mistaken +woman (Madame Roland) in whom I fancied that +I perceived some of the republican virtue to which +others only pretended; and though far from being +a Republican myself, I could not but respect those +who, having adopted a principle however erroneous, +acted upon it consistently. But with Brissot and +his party ended all my interest in the public men +of France, though their names were familiar to +me, and aversion and dread were the only feelings +which they excited.</p> + +<p>Therefore, when on the 1st of February, 1794, +we opened a shop for puddings and cakes, and I +through the curtain of a glass-door saw it thronged +with customers, some of whom I concluded were +regicides and murderers, my heart died within +me. I felt as if I stood in the den of wild beasts, +and I wished myself again in safe and happy +England.</p> + +<p>Juan was frequently asked a number of questions +by his customers; such as who he was, and whence +he came, and how long he had been there; and +his answer was, that he was born in America, and +born a slave, and so was his little wife, but a good +master made him free.</p> + +<p>"Bravo! and <i>Vive la liberté!</i> and you are +like us; we were slaves, now we are free," always +shouted the deluded people to whom he thus +talked.</p> + +<p>Juan used to go on to say that he had heard his +master was in France, and poor, and so they left +America and came to work for him (applauses +again); but that he found he was dead. "And +so," said he, "as I liked Paris, we resolved to +stay here, and make nice things for the republicans +in Europe."</p> + +<p>This tale had its effect; Juan was hailed as +<i>bon citoyen</i> Duval, and promised custom and protection.</p> + +<p>"Oh! dear Miss Helen," cried Juan, (as he +usually called me) "what bloody dogs some of +them look! No doubt some of them were members +of parliament. <i>They</i> govern a nation indeed, who +were such fools as to be so easily taken in by my +story! Psha! I should make a better parliament +man myself."</p> + +<p>At length, we saw some of the distinguished +men.</p> + +<p>Juan heard one of the party call two of the +others Hébert and Danton; and he made an excuse +to come in and tell me which was which. I looked +at them, and was mortified to find that Danton +was so pleasant-looking.</p> + +<p>When they went away, which they did not do +till they had eaten largely, and commended what +they ate, a wild, singularly-looking man entered +the shop, in all the dirty and negligent attire +of a <i>sans culotte</i>, and desired a plum pudding <i>à +l'Américaine</i> to be set before him; declaring +that had it been <i>à l'Anglaise</i> he could not have +eaten it, as it would have tasted of the slavery +of that wretched grovelling country England. +When the pudding was served, he talked more +than he ate, and made minute inquiries into the +history of Alice and Juan; but when he heard who +and what they were, he ran to them, and insisted +on giving each the fraternal embrace—"for I," +said he, "am Anacharsis Cloots! the orator of the +human race; and dear to my heart is the injured +being who was born in servitude. Blessed be the +memory of the master who broke your chains!"</p> + +<p>He then resumed his questions, and, to my +great alarm, desired to know if they lived alone in +the house. Juan, off his guard, replied,</p> + +<p>"No; we have a lodger."</p> + +<p>"Indeed! let me see him."</p> + +<p>"Him! 'tis a woman."</p> + +<p>"Better and better still! Let me see her then. +Is she young and handsome?"</p> + +<p>"Hélas! la pauvre femme! elle ne voit personne, +elle est malade à la mort."<a name="fn7r" id="fn7r"></a><a href="#fn7"><sup><span class="small"> 7</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"Eh bien, que je la voye! Je la guérirai moi."<a name="fn8r" id="fn8r"></a><a href="#fn8"><sup><span class="small"> 8</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"Tu! citoyen? Oh non! elle ne se guérira +jamais."<a name="fn9r" id="fn9r"></a><a href="#fn9"><sup><span class="small"> 9</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"Mais oui, te dis-je. Où est-elle? Je veux absolument +faire sa connaissance."<a name="fn10r" id="fn10r"></a><a href="#fn10"><sup><span class="small"> 10</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"C'est impossible. Elle est au lit."<a name="fn11r" id="fn11r"></a><a href="#fn11"><sup><span class="small"> 11</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"Quest-ce que cela fait?"<a name="fn12r" id="fn12r"></a><a href="#fn12"><sup><span class="small"> 12</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"Comment, les femmes chez nous ne reçoivent +jamais les visites quand elles sont au lit."<a name="fn13r" id="fn13r"></a><a href="#fn13"><sup><span class="small"> 13</span></sup></a></p> + +<p>"Mais, quelle bêtise! au moins dis moi son +nom, qui elle est, et tout cela."<a name="fn14r" id="fn14r"></a><a href="#fn14"><sup><span class="small"> 14</span></sup></a></p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn7" id="fn7"></a><a href="#fn7r">7</a>: Alas! poor woman! she is sick to death.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn8" id="fn8"></a><a href="#fn8r">8</a>: Well, let me see her: I will cure her.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn9" id="fn9"></a><a href="#fn9r">9</a>: You! citizen? Oh no! she will never be cured.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn10" id="fn10"></a><a href="#fn10r">10</a>: Yes, I tell you. Where is she? I will absolutely make +her acquaintance.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn11" id="fn11"></a><a href="#fn11r">11</a>: Impossible. She is in bed.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn12" id="fn12"></a><a href="#fn12r">12</a>: What does that signify?</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn13" id="fn13"></a><a href="#fn13r">13</a>: Our ladies never receive visits in bed.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn14" id="fn14"></a><a href="#fn14r">14</a>: What nonsense! But tell me her name and all that.</p> + +<p>And Juan told him that I was the relation of his +benefactor; that I was in reduced circumstances, +having had a bad husband; and that he and his +wife had taken me to live with them, and never +would desert me.</p> + +<p><i>"O les braves gens!"</i> exclaimed he.—But what +an agony I endured all this time! Afraid that this +mad-headed enthusiast would really insist on paying +me a visit, I ran up stairs, put on my green +spectacles which Juan insisted on my buying (for +he really thought me a perfect beauty, and that +all who looked must love); then tied up my face +in a handkerchief, pulled over it a slouch cap, +and lay down on the bed, drawing the curtains +round. But Alice came up to tell me the strange +man was gone. He declared, however, that the +next time he came he would see <i>la pauvre malade</i>.</p> + +<p>But fortunately we never saw him again, except +when he stopped in company with others, and +was too much taken up in laying down the law for +the benefit of the human race, to remember an +individual.</p> + +<p>You will not be surprised when I tell you, that +slight as was my knowledge of the persons of +Hébert and Anacharsis Cloots, and little as I had +heard of their voices, still the circumstance of +having seen their faces and heard them speak +made all the difference between rejoicing at their +deserved fate and regretting it. They were guillotined +during the course of the next month; and +I shuddered when I heard they were no more, +catching myself saying, "Poor men!" very frequently +during the rest of the day.</p> + +<p>I could give you some interesting details of many +events that now happened in affecting succession; +but they have been painted by abler hands than +mine: I shall only say further concerning our shop-visitors, +that more than once the great Dictator +himself took shelter there from a shower of rain, +and ate a <i>gateau républicain</i>. When he first came, +Juan, who had seen him often before, sent Alice +to tell me who he was; and I cannot describe the +sensation of horror with which he inspired me; +for nature there had made the outside equally ugly +with the inside. He asked many questions of +Juan relative to who he was, and whence and why +he came; and I saw his quick and restless eye +looking suspiciously round, as if he feared an unseen +dagger on every side: and so watchful and +observant was his glance, that I retreated from +the curtain lest he should see me. I was also +terrified to perceive that my poor Juan was not so +much at his ease with <i>him</i>, and did not tell his +story with so steady a voice as usual. But perhaps +like Louis the XIVth, Robespierre was flattered +with the consciousness of inspiring awe. +Juan was, however, a little relieved by the entrance +of Danton, who spoke to him as an old acquaintance; +on which Robespierre turned to Danton and +said, "Then <i>you know</i> these people?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; and their puddings too. Do I not, +citizen?" he good naturedly replied; and soon +after, Robespierre and he departed together.</p> + +<p>Certain it is that I breathed more freely after +they were gone.</p> + +<p>Not long after this, Danton and Camille des +Moulins came together; and though they spoke +very low, Juan heard them talk of <i>la Citoyenne +Beauvais</i>, and then they talked of <i>son bel Américain +Anglois</i>,<a name="fn15r" id="fn15r"></a><a href="#fn15"><sup><span class="small">15</span></sup></a> (so it was clear they knew who +my husband really was,) and they whispered and +laughed. We then heard the name of Colonel +Newton, an Englishman by birth, who had served +in foreign armies all his life, and had the melancholy +distinction of being the only British subject +who was put to death by the guillotine. But Juan +heard him mentioned by these men, and soon after +we knew he was arrested; for Juan was in the +habit of frequenting the Palais Royal and its gardens +in the evening, and other places of public +resort, and there he was sure to hear the news of +the day. At first, he only heard that an Englishman +was arrested; and his emotion was such, that +if any one had looked at him it must have been +perceived; but no one noticed him, and presently +some one named Colonel Newton as the conspirator +who had been denounced and imprisoned.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn15" id="fn15"></a><a href="#fn15r">15</a>: Her handsome American Englishman.</p> + +<p>Was Pendarves acquainted with this unfortunate +man? We could not tell; but certain it was, that +the awful lips which mentioned the one had named +the other.</p> + +<p>In another month Danton and Camille des Moulins +were no more! and fell with many others who +were obnoxious to the tyrant; and again I wished +that I had not seen or heard them.</p> + +<p>As I never went out till it was quite dark, the +great seclusion in which I lived injured my health. +Since the death of Hébert, indeed, I was not so +cautious, as I could wear a hat; but while he lived, +he had decreed that every head-dress was <i>aristocrat</i>, +except the peasants' cap.</p> + +<p>Juan went therefore to find a lodging for me for +a week or two near or in the Champs Elysées, and +in so retired a spot, that with my green spectacles, +and otherwise a little disguised, my guardian declared +he allowed me to walk even in a morning.</p> + +<p>Alice accompanied me, and Juan promised to +come and tell us every evening what was going forward. +During my abode in this pretty place Juan +arrived one evening a good deal agitated, and I +found that he had seen Pendarves.</p> + +<p>"Did he see you?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! no: he saw no one but—"</p> + +<p>"His companion, I suppose?—Was Madame +Beauvais with him?"</p> + +<p>"She was, and her little dog; and the beast +would not come at her call; and then she was +uneasy, and so he took up the nasty animal and +carried it in his arm. I could have wrung its +neck."</p> + +<p>"It is a nice clean animal," replied I, trying to +speak cheerfully. "But how did he look, Juan?"</p> + +<p>"Well, madam—<i>too</i> well!" said the faithful +creature, turning away in agony to think he could +look well under his circumstances.</p> + +<p>"You see he is not yet arrested," said I; "and +for that I am thankful."</p> + +<p>One night, the night before we were to return to +our house, Juan disappointed us and did not come +at all. You, who have always lived in dear and +quiet Britain, cannot form to yourself an idea of +the agitation into which this little circumstance +threw us. We could not fancy he was ill: that +was too common-place and too natural a circumstance +to occur to the heated imaginations of women +accustomed as we were to tales of terror and blood; +and we thought no less than that he had been suspected, +denounced, arrested, and would be <i>jugé à +mort</i>. What a night of misery was ours! Early +in the morning, however, Alice set off for Paris, +conjuring me on her knees not to come with her, +as Juan thought it unsafe for me to walk in the +street unprotected; and promising to come back +directly if any thing alarming had happened. I +therefore allowed her to depart without me; but +though her not returning was a proof that all was +right, according to our agreement, I was half distracted +when hour succeeded to hour and she did +not return; till, at last, unable to bear my suspense +any longer, I set off for Paris, and reached the +Place de la Revolution (as it was then called) just +as an immense crowd was thronging from all parts +and around me, to a spot already filled with an +incalculable number of persons. In one instant +I recollected that what I beheld in the midst must +be the guillotine, and I tried to turn back, but it +was impossible. I was hurried forward with the +exulting multitude; and just as the horrible snap +of the murderous engine met my now tingling ears, +I heard from the shouts of the mob, that the victim +was the Princess Elizabeth ! ! !—Self-preservation +instinctively prompted me to catch hold of +the person next me to save myself from falling, +which would have been instant death; and the aid +I sought was yielded to me: and while a noise of +thunder was in my ears, and my eyes were utterly +blinded with horror and agonizing emotion, a kind +but unknown voice said in French, "Poor child! +I see you are indeed a stranger here. We natives +are used to these sights now;" and he sighed, as +if use had not however entirely blunted his feelings.</p> + +<p>"But why did you come to see such a sight?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! I knew nothing of it, and was going +home."</p> + +<p>"Poor thing! Well; but shall I see you home—if +you can walk?"</p> + +<p>I now looked up, and saw that my kind friend +was only a lowly citizen, and wore a Jacobin cap; +and I was still shrinking from allowing of his +further attendance, though I trembled in every +limb, and felt sick unto death: when, as the crowd +dispersed, I saw Juan and Alice coming towards +me; in another moment I was in her arms, where +I nearly fainted away.</p> + +<p>"This is unfortunate," said the <i>citoyen</i>; "her +illness may be observed upon, as it was a Bourbon +who died, and she may be fancied no friend to the +republic. What is best to be done?"</p> + +<p>While he said this I recovered, and begged to +go home directly; but I could not walk without +the aid of my Jacobin friend; who insisted on +seeing me safe home, and we thought it the best +way to consent.</p> + +<p>On our way, the <i>citoyen</i> exclaimed, <i>"O mon +Dieu! le voilà lui-même!"</i> <a name="fn16r" id="fn16r"></a><a href="#fn16"><sup><span class="small">16</span></sup></a> and we saw the +dreaded Robespierre hastily approaching us. He +desired to know what was the matter with that +woman; and neither Juan nor Alice had recollection +enough to reply; but our friend did instantly, +taking off his cap as he spoke: "The poor woman, +<i>citoyen</i>, was nearly crushed in the crowd, and +but for me would have been trodden to death. +Only see how she trembles still! She has not been +able to speak a word yet."</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn16" id="fn16"></a><a href="#fn16r">16</a>: Oh! there he is himself!</p> + +<p>"Oh! that is the case, is it?" said he, surveying +me with a most scrutinizing glance. "It is well +for her I find her in such good company, Benoit."</p> + +<p>He then departed, and we recovered our recollection.</p> + +<p>He was no sooner gone, than, to my great surprise, +I saw Juan seize our companion's hand, +while he exclaimed, "You! are you Benoit?"</p> + +<p>"To be sure; what then?"</p> + +<p>"Why then, you God for ever bless that's all! +For many poor wretch bless you; and now, but +for you, what might have become of her?"</p> + +<p>"How!" cried Alice; "is this the kind jailor of +Luxembourg? Oh dear! how glad I am to see you?"</p> + +<p>It was indeed Benoit; who, at a period when +to be cruel seemed the only means to be safe, +lightened the fetters which he could not remove, +and soothed to the best of his power the horrors +of a prison and of death.</p> + +<p>A feeling which he could not help, but certainly +not one of joyful anticipation, led him to witness +the death of the royal victim; and my evident +horror instantly interested and attached him to my +side. This good man attended us home, and we +had great pleasure in setting before him our little +stores: but he could not eat then, he said; and +as he spoke, he sighed deeply. However, he assured +us he would come and eat with us some other +day: then desiring us to take heed and not go to +see sights again, he ran off, saying he had been +absent too long.</p> + +<p>What a mercy it was that Benoit was with us +when we met the tyrant! We also rejoiced that he +did not see or did not recognise Juan and Alice: +but after this unfortunate rencontre we did not +feel ourselves as safe as we did before, and dreaded +every day to see him enter the shop.</p> + +<p>I now desired to know the reason of Juan's not +coming to us, and I found that his too great care +had exposed me to even a far worse agony than +that from which he wished to preserve me. The +truth was, he heard that poor Madame Elizabeth +was to be executed the next day: fearing, therefore, +that he should be betrayed into saying so, +and wishing me not to know of it till all was over, +as he knew how interested I was in her fate, he +resolved to stay away, not supposing we should +be alarmed; and he and Alice could not return to +me sooner, as the way led over the very spot which +they wished to avoid. Besides, Alice had told me +her not returning was a good sign. Well! this +agony was past; but I had seen and met the suspicious +eye of the tyrant, and it haunted me wherever +I went. For my own life, indeed, I had no +fear; and imprisonment, I thought, was all I had +to dread, though poor Juan insisted on it that +the wretch saw, spite of my dowdy appearance, +that I was a handsome woman; and he thanked +Heaven at the close of every day, that no Robespierre +had visited us. Another evening Juan +returned in much agitation from his walk, but I +<ins title="passage out of sequence in original; see TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE below">saw it was of an opposite nature to that which he</ins> +experienced at sight of Pendarves; and on inquiry +I found that he had, as he said, met that good +young man, Count De Walden.</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" exclaimed I; "and did he see you? +and does he know I am in Paris?"</p> + +<p>"No, he did not see me; and without your +leave, I dared not tell you were here: so I thought +it best not to speak to him."</p> + +<p>I felt excessively disappointed; but after some +moments of reflection I recollected that it would +be cruel and selfish to force myself, in a situation +so interesting and so anxious, on one who on principle +had so recently left the place in which I was; +and I told Juan he had done quite right.</p> + +<p>"However," said I, "it is a comfort to me to +know that I have a protector near."</p> + +<p>"Aye; but not for long!"</p> + +<p>"No! But what could bring a man like him to +this den of wickedness and horrors? Some good +purpose no doubt."</p> + +<p>"I suspect so; for I saw him in close conversation +with Barrère and others, and I overheard +him say, 'But can you give me no hope? I want +excessively to return home: still, while there is +a chance of Colonel Newton's being saved, I will +stay.' Barrère, I believe, said all hope was over; +for the Count cast up his eyes mournfully to heaven, +and retired."</p> + +<p>Till I heard this, I was inclined to suspect that +my uncle had written to say I was here, and that +he came on my account.</p> + +<p>I shall now relate the motive of his journey: +the object of it was connected with the fate of my +husband.</p> + +<p>A man of the name of Beauvais was executed +with Danton and other supposed conspirators in +the preceding April. This man was the father of +Annette Beauvais; and she would have been denounced +and executed with her father, had not +one of Robespierre's tools become exceedingly +enamoured of her, and for his sake she was spared. +But Colonel Newton having been known to be +rather intimate with Beauvais, and having also +dared, like a free-born Englishman and a man of +independent feelings, to reproach the tyrant with +his cruelty, he was accused, imprisoned, and condemned +to death. It was on his account that De +Walden came to Paris. By some means or other +Newton informed him of his situation; and as +he had known him in Switzerland, and greatly +esteemed him, he hastened to try whether by solicitation, +interest, or money, he could procure his +acquittal or escape: but he tried in vain. As vain +also were the efforts made,—to do her justice,—by +Madame Beauvais herself. The wretch to whom +she applied was made jealous of Newton by her +earnest entreaties for his life; and his doom was +consequently rendered only more certain. He also +tauntingly bade her take care of her own life and +that of her American Englishman, assuring her +she would not find it an easy matter to do that +long. Nor did he threaten in vain; for, though +she admitted his addresses and received his splendid +presents, she still persisted in living with the infatuated +Pendarves, who believed her constancy +equal to her pretended love. The consequence +was, that an accusation was brought against my +husband for getting to Paris on false pretences, +and as being a dangerous person: for, though he +was born in America, his father was a loyalist, +not a republican, and had fought, they found, +against the republican arms; and his mother was +that offensive thing a woman of quality and a +nobleman's daughter. There were other charges +equally strong; and even in the presence of his +vile companion, Pendarves was arrested, and condemned +for the present to be confined <i>au secret</i> +in the Luxembourg.</p> + +<p>He bore his fate with calmness; for he expected +that she who had caused his imprisonment would +be eager to share and to enliven it: but that was +beyond the heroism of a mistress. She was not +willing to prefer to fine apartments and liberty, +love and a prison with him; but while he, agonized +at her desertion,—for she bade him a cold and +final farewell,—was borne away into confinement, +she was led away smiling and in triumph by her +now avowed protector.</p> + +<p>All these circumstances I did not know at first—I +only knew the result; which was imparted to +me by the trembling Juan, who had seen Pendarves +led away, had seen her farewell, and had vainly +tried to make himself observed by him, that he +might know he had a friend at hand.</p> + +<p>"A friend!" cried I with a flushed cheek, but +with a trembling frame: "he shall know that he +has the best of friends, a wife, near him!" and +instantly, taking no precaution to conceal my +person in any way, for I thought not of myself, I +hastened rapidly along, Juan with difficulty keeping +pace with me, till I reached the Luxembourg.</p> + +<p>"Whom do you want?" said a churlish man +on duty.</p> + +<p>"Seymour Pendarves."</p> + +<p>"You can't see him: he is <i>au secret</i>."</p> + +<p>"Oh! but I must! Do let me speak to the +<i>Citoyen</i> Benoit, and ask him to let me enter."</p> + +<p>"You are very earnest; and perhaps he will +let you.</p> + +<p>"Who shall I say wants to be admitted to this +Pendarves?"</p> + +<p>"His wife."</p> + +<p>"His wife! Well," added he respectfully, +"wives should not be kept from their husbands +when they seek them in their distress."</p> + +<p>He then went in search of Benoit, who appeared +with his keys of office.</p> + +<p>"<i>Citoyen</i>," said he, "here is a wife wants to +see her husband."</p> + +<p>"I fear she is an aristocrat, then," replied +Benoit, smiling and approaching us.</p> + +<p>"Ha!" cried he, "is it you? What is become +of your spectacles? And do you want to see your +husband, poor thing? Who is he?"</p> + +<p>I told him. He shook his head, saying to himself—"Who +could have supposed he had a wife, +and such a one too!"</p> + +<p>"<i>Citoyenne</i>," said he, "you cannot see your +husband to-night, nor shall he know you are here; +but to-morrow, at nine in the morning, I will +admit you. Yes, and for your sake I will show +him all the indulgence I can. So it was for this, +was it, you came to Paris? I thought there was a +mystery. Good girl! good girl!"</p> + +<p>So saying, he walked hastily away, and we +returned to our home, at once disappointed and +cheered.</p> + +<p>Oh! how I longed for the light of morning! +Oh! how I longed to exhibit the superiority of the +wife over the mistress! With what pleasure I anticipated +the joy, mixed with shame and sorrow, no +doubt, but still triumphant over every other feeling +with which Pendarves would behold and receive +me! How he would value this proof of tenderness +and duty! while I should fondly assure him that +all was forgotten and all forgiven!—So did I paint +the scene to which I was hastening. Such were +the hopes which flushed my cheek and irradiated +my countenance.</p> + +<p>At length the appointed hour drew near; and +I had just reached the gates of the Luxembourg, +had just desired to be shown to Benoit, when I +looked up and beheld De Walden!</p> + +<p>"You here!" cried he, turning pale as death. +"O Helen! dear rash friend! why are you in Paris? +Speak."</p> + +<p>Here he paused, trembling with emotion. I +was little less affected; but, making a great effort, +I faltered out, "My husband is prisoner here, +and I am going to him."</p> + +<p>De Walden clasped his hands together and was +silent; but his look declared the agony of his +mind.</p> + +<p>Benoit now came to conduct me in; and De +Walden, taking Juan's arm, led him apart.</p> + +<p>"Have you told him I am here?" said I, turning +very faint, alarmed now the moment was come +which I had so delightedly anticipated.</p> + +<p>"No: I have told him nothing."</p> + +<p>He now put the key into a door at the bottom +of a long, narrow, dark passage, and it turned +on its heavy and grating hinges.</p> + +<p>"Some one desires to see you," said Benoit +gruffly, to hide his kind emotion; and I stood +before my long estranged husband. But where +was the look of gladness? where the tone of +welcome, though it might be mingled with that of +less pleasant sensations? He started, turned pale, +pressed forward to meet me; but then exclaiming +in a faltering voice, "Is it you, Helen? Rash girl! +why do I see you here?" he sunk upon his miserable +bed, and hid his face from me. I stood, pale, +motionless, and silent as a statue. Was this the +scene which I had painted to myself? True, I +should have been shocked, if he had approached +me with extended arms, and as if he felt that I +had nothing to forget: yet I did expect that his +eye would lighten up with joyful surprise, and his +quivering lip betray the tenderness which he would +but dared not express. However, for the first +time in my life, indignation and a sense of injury +were stronger than my fond woman's feeling; and +I seated myself in silence on the only chair in the +room, with my proud heart swelling as if it would +burst its bounds and give me ease for ever.</p> + +<p>"Helen!" said he at length in a subdued and +dejected tone, "your presence here distracts me. +This scene, this city, are no places for you; and +oh! how unworthy am I of this exertion of love! +What! must a wretch like me expose to danger +such an exalted creature as this is?"</p> + +<p>These flattering words, though uttered from the +head more than from the heart, were a sort of +balm to my wounded feelings; but I coldly replied, +"That in coming to Paris, in order to be on +the spot if any danger happened to him, I had +only done what I considered as the duty of a wife; +and that now my earnest wish was to be allowed +to spend part, if not the whole of every day with +him in prison, as his friend and soother."</p> + +<p>"Impossible! impossible!" he exclaimed, becoming +much agitated.</p> + +<p>"Why so? Benoit is disposed to be my friend."</p> + +<p>"No matter; but tell me who is with you in +this nest of villains?"</p> + +<p>I told him, and he thanked God audibly. I +then entreated to know something concerning his +arrest, its cause, and what the consequences were +likely to be.</p> + +<p>"Spare me!" cried he, "spare me! It is most +painful to a man to blush with shame in the +presence of his wife. Helen! kind, good Helen! +I know you meant to sooth and serve me; but you +have humbled me to the dust, and my spirit sinks +before you! Go and leave me to perish. In my +very best days I was wholly unworthy of you; +but now—"</p> + +<p>He was right; and my parading kindness, +my intruding virtue were offensive. I had humbled +him: I had obliged him too much: I had +towered over him in the superiority of my character; +and instead of attaching, I had alienated +him. This was human nature—I saw it, I owned +it now, but I was not prepared for it, and it overwhelmed +me with despair. Still, it softened my +heart in his favour; for, if I had to forgive his +errors, he had to forgive my officious exhibition +of romantic duty. I now at his request told him +all my plans, and every thing that had passed +since I came, not omitting to tell him that I had +seen De Walden. Nor was I sorry to remark, +that at his name he started and changed colour.</p> + +<p>"He here! Then you are sure of a protector," +said he, "and I feel easier. But, Helen! you +are too young, too lovely to expose yourself to the +gaze of the men in power. I protest that you +are at this moment as beautiful as ever, Helen!"</p> + +<p>"It is from the temporary embellishment of +strong emotion only," replied I, pleased by this +compliment from him. I then turned the discourse +to the opportunity our shop gave us of hearing +conversations; and I also promised to bring him +some of our commodities. He tried to smile, but +could not, and I saw that my presence evidently +distressed instead of soothing him. Benoit now +came to say I must stay no longer, and disappeared +again; while, a prey to most miserable feelings, +I rose to depart.</p> + +<p>"I shall come again to-morrow," said I; "shall +I not?"</p> + +<p>"If you insist upon it, you shall; but, you +had better leave me, Helen, to perish, and forget +me!"</p> + +<p>"Forget you! Cruel Seymour!" cried I, bursting +into an agony of tears.</p> + +<p>He now approached me, and, sinking on one +knee, took my hand and kissed it: then held it +to his heart. A number of feelings now contended +in my bosom, but affection was predominant; +and as he knelt before me I threw my arms round +his neck, mingling my tears with his, <i>"Mais +vite donc, citoyenne—dépêches tu!"</i> <a name="fn17r" id="fn17r"></a><a href="#fn17"><sup><span class="small">17</span></sup></a> said Benoit, +just unclosing the door, and speaking outside +it. Pendarves rose, and led me to him; and +scarcely knowing whether pain or satisfaction predominated, +I reached the gate, Benoit kindly +assuring me I might command his services to the +utmost.</p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn17" id="fn17"></a><a href="#fn17r">17</a>: Quick, make haste, female citizen!</p> + +<p>I found De Walden still talking with Juan. +They both seemed to regard me with very scrutinizing +as well as sympathizing looks; and I still +trembled so much that I was glad to accept the +support of De Walden's arm. He attended me +home; but we neither of us spoke during the +walk. When I reached the door, I said, "Come +to me to breakfast to-morrow; for to-day I am +wholly unfitted for company." He sighed, bowed, +and departed; but not without assuring me that +he would enquire concerning the causes of my +husband's arrest, and try to get him set at liberty.</p> + +<p>"Well," cried Juan, "I have one comfort +more than I had; Count De Walden has declared +that while you remain in Paris he will." And I +also felt comforted by this assurance.</p> + +<p>I now retired to my own room, and, throwing +myself on the bed, entered upon that severe task +self-examination; and I learnt to doubt whether +my expedition to France were as truly and singly +the result of pure and genuine tenderness, and a +sense of duty, as I had supposed it was. For +what had I done? I had certainly shone in the +eyes of many at the expense of my husband. I +had, as he said, "humbled him in his own eyes," +and I had chosen to run risks for his sake, which +he could not approve, and after all might not be +the better for. In such reflections as these I +passed that long and miserable day; aye, and in +some worse still; for I felt that Pendarves no +longer loved me—that he esteemed, he respected, +he admired me; but that his tenderness was gone, +and gone too, probably, for ever!</p> + +<p>I had however one pleasant idea to dwell upon. +Deputies, if not an ambassador, were now expected +from America, and De Walden had told Juan he +should claim their protection for us.</p> + +<p>The next morning De Walden came; but his brow +was clouded, his manner embarrassed, and the +tone of his voice mournful.</p> + +<p>"Have you made the inquiries which you promised?"</p> + +<p>"I have; and they have not been answered +satisfactorily. My dear friend, there are subjects +which nothing but the emergencies of the case +could justify me to discuss with you. Will you +therefore pardon me if I say—"</p> + +<p>"Say any thing: at a moment like this it is +my duty not to shrink from the truth. I guess +what you mean."</p> + +<p>He then told me the cause of my husband's +arrest, which I have already mentioned; adding +that the ostensible causes were so trifling, that they +could probably be easily gotten over; but that the +true cause, jealousy, was, he feared, not likely to +be removed.</p> + +<p>"But she left him," cried I, "left him as if for +ever, and accompanied her new lover in triumph!"</p> + +<p>"Yes: but I fear that he will not get quit of +her so soon."</p> + +<p>My only answer to this unwelcome truth was a +deep sigh; and for some minutes I was unable to +speak, while De Walden anxiously walked up and +down the room.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps you would go and see Pendarves?"</p> + +<p>"No: excuse me: an interview between me +and him must be painful, and could not be beneficial. +The letter I had from him to inform me +of a certain mournful event was cold; and though +I answered it kindly,—for I thought of you when +I wrote,—I was convinced that the less we met +again the better."</p> + +<p>"Then what can you do?"</p> + +<p>"I know not—I could not save my friend, you +know."</p> + +<p>"If money can do it, I possess the means."</p> + +<p>"And so do I; but Robespierre is inaccessible +to bribes, and so I have found his creatures. I +fear that I must seek Madame Beauvais herself."</p> + +<p>"But she probably hates you?"</p> + +<p>"True: but she does not hate Pendarves; and +if I convince her that her only chance of liberating +him is by seeming to have ceased to love him, the +business may be done."</p> + +<p>"And must he owe his liberty, and perhaps +his life, to her? But be it so, if he can be preserved +no other way—in that case I would even +be a suitor to her myself."</p> + +<p>"That I could not bear. But oh! dear inconsiderate +friend, why did you come hither?"</p> + +<p>"Because I thought it my duty."</p> + +<p>"And do you still think so?"</p> + +<p>I was silent.</p> + +<p>"Answer me: candid and generous Helen: do +you not now see that it was more your duty to +stay in your own safe country, protected by respectable +friends, than to come hither courting +danger, and the worst of dangers to a virtuous +wife? Believe me, the passive virtue of painful +but quiet endurance of injury was the virtue for +you to practise. This quixotic daring looked like +duty; but was not duty, Helen, and could only +end in disappointment: for tell me, have you not +found that you have thus suffered and thus dared +for an ingrate?"</p> + +<p>My silence answered the question.</p> + +<p>"Enough!" resumed De Walden; "and I feel +that I have been cruel; but mine has been the +reproof of friendship, wrung from me by the +indignant agony of knowing that even I cannot +perhaps protect you from the insults which I dread. +Oh! why did they let you come hither? I am sure +your mind was not itself when you thought of it."</p> + +<p>"You are right. The idea had taken hold of +my imagination then unnaturally raised, and come +I would. But my physician approved my coming; +for he thought it safer for me, and thought, if +I was not indulged, that my reason, if not my +life, might suffer."</p> + +<p>This statement completely overset De Walden's +self-command; he blamed himself for what he had +said—accused himself of cruelty—extolled the +patient sweetness with which I had heard him, and +had condescended to justify myself. Then, striking +his forehead, he exclaimed, "And I, alas! am +powerless to save a being like this! But save her, +<span class="smallcaps">Thou</span>," he added, lifting his clasped hands to +heaven.</p> + +<p>The hour of my appointment at the prison now +arrived again, and De Walden accompanied me +thither. I did not see Benoit; but I was admitted +directly, and my conductor, opening the door, +said, "A female citizen desires to see you."</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" said Pendarves in a tone of joy; +but he started, and looked disappointed, when he +saw me.</p> + +<p>"Is it you, Helen?" said he.</p> + +<p>"Did you expect it was any one else?"</p> + +<p>"Not much," he replied, evidently disconcerted; +"not much. It is only a primitive old-fashioned +wife like yourself who would follow an unworthy +husband to a prison."</p> + +<p>"And to a scaffold, if necessary," cried I with +energy.</p> + +<p>"Helen!" said Pendarves in a deep but caustic +tone, "spare me! spare me! This excess of goodness—"</p> + +<p>I smiled; but I believe my smile was as bitter +as his accents.</p> + +<p>What meetings were these between persons circumstanced +as we once were and were now! But +it could not be otherwise, and all I now suffered +I had brought upon myself. In order to change +the tone of our feelings, I told him De Walden +had breakfasted with me, and then asked him if +he would not like to see Juan.</p> + +<p>He said "Yes," but carelessly, and then added, +"So De Walden has been with you?" and fell +into a mournful reverie till our uncomfortable +interview was over.</p> + +<p>I promised to send him by Juan all he wanted +and desired, of linen, clothes, and food; for +Benoit had assured me he would allow him to +receive any thing for the sake of his good wife. +He thanked me, shook my hand kindly, and saw +me depart, as I thought with pleasure.</p> + +<p>I found De Walden waiting for me with Juan. +The latter by my desire asked for Benoit, and +begged to know of him at what hour that day or +evening he might be admitted to his master. Accordingly +he went, carrying with him the articles +I mentioned. He was gone some time; and +anxious indeed was I for his return.</p> + +<p>"I have seen her," said he.</p> + +<p>"Seen whom?"</p> + +<p>"That vile woman."</p> + +<p>"Was she with him?" cried I, turning very +faint.</p> + +<p>"No, no: let the good Benoit alone for that. +She desired to see the Citoyen Pendarves, her +husband;" on which Benoit scornfully answered, +"One wife is enough for any man: I allow him +to see one of his every day, but no more; so go +away, and do not return again."</p> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed the creature, in great agitation, +"is she, is Helen Pendarves in Paris?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; <i>she</i>, the <i>true</i> she,—the good wife is +here; and <i>she</i> alone will Benoit admit to his prisoner. +<i>Va-t en, te dis-je!</i>"</p> + +<p>"And the creature went away," added Juan; +"for I saw and heard it all, giving him such a look!"</p> + +<p>I could not help being pleased with this account; +but I sent him immediately to tell De +Walden what had passed, that he might lose no +time in seeking La Beauvais, to prevent her going +to the prison, and thereby increasing the danger +of Pendarves.—When Juan returned, I asked for +a minute detail of all that passed between my +husband and him.</p> + +<p>"Oh! he is very wretched!" he replied: "but +he told me nothing concerning himself; he only +walked up and down the narrow room, asking me +nothing but about you, and why they let you come, +and if De Walden came on purpose to guard you. +In short, we talked of nothing else; and then +he did so wish you safe back in your own country!"</p> + +<p>This account gave me sincere pleasure, and +made me believe that Seymour's heart was not so +much alienated from me as I expected; and a +weight seemed suddenly taken from my mind. +The next day I went again at noon, and I found +La Beauvais in high dispute with Benoit. As soon +as he saw me, he saw that I recognised her, and +that my countenance bore the hue of death, he +caught my hand, saying, <i>"Vite! vite! entre donc:</i> +<span class="smallcaps">belle</span> <i>et</i> <span class="smallcaps">bonne</span>! <i>et toi, va-t en tout de suite!" </i><a name="fn18r" id="fn18r"></a><a href="#fn18"><sup><span class="small">18</span></sup></a></p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn18" id="fn18"></a><a href="#fn18r">18</a>: Quick! quick! enter: fair and good! but you, go away +directly!"</p> + +<p>La Beauvais, provoked and disappointed, seized +my arm. "Madame Pendarves," she cried, "the +same interest brings us hither: use your influence +over this barbarian to procure me admittance."</p> + +<p>"The same interest!" I replied, turning round, +throwing her hand from my arm, and looking at +her with all the scorn and abhorrence which I felt: +<i>"Madame, je ne vous connois pas."</i> <a name="fn19r" id="fn19r"></a><a href="#fn19"><sup><span class="small">19</span></sup></a></p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn19" id="fn19"></a><a href="#fn19r">19</a>: Madam! I do not know you.</p> + +<p>"It is well," she said. "Depend on it, I +shall refresh your memory; and soon too. I will +be revenged, though my own heart bleeds for it."</p> + +<p>She then hastened away; and I, feeling the +rash folly I had committed, and fearing I had +irreparably injured my husband's cause, was forced +to let the kind jailor conduct me to his own apartment, +in order that I might recover myself before +I went to Pendarves. I found him more cheerful, +and also more affectionate in his manner towards +me. He had been reading a letter, which he +hastily put into his pocket; yet not so soon but +that my quick eye discovered in the address the +hand of La Beauvais. It was this renewal of intercourse, +then, that had made him cheerful! But +why then was he more affectionate to me? I have +since resolved that question to my satisfaction.</p> + +<p>No one likes to give up any power once possessed. +Pendarves had flattered himself La Beauvais fondly +loved him; and his bitter grief at her apparent +desertion of him, arose from wounded pride, and +the fear of having lost his power over her, more +than from pining affection. But she had written +to him; she was trying to gain admittance to his +prison:—his wounded vanity therefore was at rest +on one point, and the sight of me was grateful +because it ministered to it in another.</p> + +<p>But I did not, could not reason then: I only +felt; and what with jealousy, and what with my +fears for his life, now, I thought, endangered by +me, I was ill and evidently wretched the whole +time I staid. But Seymour's manner to me was +most soothing, and even tender. At that moment +I could better have borne indifference from him; +for I was conscious that I had weakly given way +to the feelings of an injured jealous woman, and +had thereby probably given the seal to his fate!</p> + +<p>Glad was I when the jailor summoned me; for +I was anxious to tell De Walden the folly which I +had committed; and I saw that Seymour was hurt +at the cold and hurried manner in which I bade +him farewell.</p> + +<p>When I saw De Walden, he told me that he +had called in vain on La Beauvais hitherto; but +would try again and again. On hearing what had +passed between us he became alarmed, but declared +that he could not have forgiven me if I had spoken +or acted otherwise. That day some of the tyrant's +creatures were in our shop, and one of them desired +to see the other shop-woman, declaring Alice +was not pretty enough to wait on them; and that +they were resolved the next time they came to see +<i>la belle Angloise</i>.—But every other fear was soon +swallowed up in one.</p> + +<p>Juan overheard that night in the Thuilleries +gardens, that the Englishman Pendarves would +be brought before the tribunal the day after the +next, and there was no doubt of his being executed +with several others directly ! ! !</p> + +<p>The moment, the dreaded moment was now +indeed at hand, and how was it to be averted? +De Walden heard this intelligence also, and came +to me immediately. But all hope seemed vain, +because he was to be condemned to satisfy private +wishes, and not because any public wrong could +be proved against him; and he left me in utter +despair. But he also left me to reflect; and the +result was a determination to act resolutely and +immediately, and to risk the event. Suffice, that +I called my faithful servants into my room, reminded +them of that fidelity and obedience to me +which they had vowed to my poor mother on her +death-bed, and told them the hour for them to +prove their attachment and fulfil their vow was +now arrived. This solemn adjuration was answered +by as solemn assurances to obey me in whatever +I required of them. I first required that they +should keep all I was now going to say, and all +they or I were going to do, profoundly secret +from De Walden. I saw Juan recoil at this; but +I was firm, and he swore himself to secrecy. I +then unfolded to them my scheme, and had to +encounter tears, entreaties urged on bended knee, +that I would give up my rash design, and consider +myself. But they might as well have talked to +the winds. "I feel," said I, "by the suddenness +of this proceeding, that my treatment of La Beauvais +has done this, and it is my duty, at all risks +to myself, to save my husband from the death to +which I have hurried him." The faithful creatures +were silenced, but not convinced. Still, finding +they could not prevent my purpose, and that I declared +I would cry "<i>Vive le Roi</i>," that I might +die with my husband, they prepared in mournful +obedience to consult with me on the best means +of accomplishing my wishes.</p> + +<p>My plan was this: I resolved to ask permission +to take a last farewell of Pendarves at night, after +I had seen him in the morning, and then change +clothes with him, and remain in his stead.</p> + +<p>"And as Benoit was ill in bed this evening, +when you went," said I, "there is no likelihood +that he will be well to-morrow; so my plan cannot +injure him. Therefore, let us be prepared to +execute what I have designed, directly."</p> + +<p>"Well! my comfort is," said Juan, "that my +master will not consent to risk your life to save his."</p> + +<p>"Not willingly; but I shall force him to do it."</p> + +<p>"Well! we shall see."</p> + +<p>You may remember how I used to regret my +great height, because Pendarves did not admire +tall women; but now how I valued it, as it made +it more easy for Pendarves to pass for me, and +therefore might aid my efforts to save his life!</p> + +<p>We agreed that Alice and Juan should be in +waiting with a covered peasant's cart, at the end +of the Luxembourg gardens; that then he should +drive him and her to our lodging in the Champs +Elisées, which we had again hired, where he was +to pass for me, and still hide his face as if in +great affliction. The house was kept by a deaf, +stupid old woman, who was not likely to suspect +any thing. And at day-break, Pendarves in a +peasant's dress, with Alice by his side, dressed +like a peasant also, with her hood over her face, +was to drive on day and night when he had passed +the barrier, which we hoped it would be easy to +do, till some place of safe retreat offered itself on +the road. And I knew that on this road was the +<i>chateau</i> of a gentleman whom we had known and +had done kindnesses for in England, who had +contrived like some others to take no part in politics, +and had retained his house and his land.</p> + +<p>All was procured and ready as I desired; and, +having written down my scheme for my husband, +conjuring him to grant my request, I went to the +prison in the morning with a beating heart, lest +Benoit should be well enough to be at his post. +But he was not only unwell; he was dismissed +from his office. The <i>bon Benoit</i>, as he was called, +was too good for his situation. <a name="fn20r" id="fn20r"></a><a href="#fn20"><sup><span class="small">20</span></sup></a></p> + +<p class="small"><a name="fn20" id="fn20"></a><a href="#fn20r">20</a>: An historical fact.</p> + +<p>Seymour beheld with wonder, and no small +alarm, my cheek, now flushed, now pale, my +tremulous voice, and my abstracted manner; and +I once more saw in him that affectionate interest +and anxiety so dear to my heart.</p> + +<p>"You are ill, my beloved," said he at length.</p> + +<p>"Beloved!" How the word thrilled through my +heart! I never expected to hear it again from his +lips; and the sound overcame me. "I shall be +better soon," cried I, bursting into tears.</p> + +<p>The surly jailor (Oh! how unlike Benoit!) who +had taken his place, now summoned me away, +and I slided my letter into my husband's hands. +"Read it," said I, "and know that your doom +is fixed for to-morrow; therefore I conjure you +by our past loves to grant the request which this +letter contains; and if you think I have deserved +kindness from you, comply with my wishes."</p> + +<p>Seymour, who had heard nothing of his approaching +fate, took the letter, and listened to me +with a bewildered air; and I hastened from the +prison. I had easily obtained permission to return +to the prison at night.</p> + +<p>"It will be the last time. You will never come +again," said the brutal gaoler: "your husband +will never come back when he goes to the tribunal +to-morrow, so come and welcome!"</p> + +<p>I spent the intervening time in writing a letter +to De Walden, inclosing one for my uncle, which +I begged him to forward; and I arranged every +thing as if death awaited me. Nay, how could I +be assured that it did not? but I kept all my fears +to myself and talked of hope alone to my poor +servants, who wandered about, the pictures of +grief.</p> + +<p>When De Walden called that day I would not +see him, but lay down on purpose to avoid him; +for I dreaded to meet his penetrating glance.</p> + +<p>As it was now the middle of July, days were +shortening, and by eight o'clock twilight was +gathering fast. My appointment was for half-past +seven; and by a bribe I obtained leave from Benoit's +unworthy successor to stay till half-past eight.</p> + +<p>Then, summoning all my fortitude, I entered +the cell of my husband. I shall pass over the +first moments of our meeting; but I shall never +forget them, and I am soothed and comforted +when I recollect all that escaped from that affectionate +and generous, though misguided being. +Suffice, that all his arguments were vain to persuade +me that he was not worthy to be saved, at +even the smallest risk to a life so precious as mine.</p> + +<p>"My life precious!" cried I: "a being without +any near and dear ties! with neither parent, child, +nor husband, I may <i>now</i> say," cried I, thrown off +my guard by the consciousness of a desolate heart.</p> + +<p>"I have deserved this reproach," said Seymour; +"you have indeed no husband, therefore why +should not I die? as, were I gone, Helen, I feel, +I know, that you would be no longer desolate!"</p> + +<p>I understood his meaning, but did not notice it. +Bitter was now the anguish which I felt; nay, so +violent was my distress, and so earnest my entreaties +that he would escape, as the idea that he +refused me in consequence of what I had just said, +would, if he perished, drive me, I was convinced, +to complete distraction, that he at last consented +to my request.</p> + +<p>"But, take notice," said he, "that I do it +with this assurance, that, if my escape puts you +in peril, I will return and suffer for or with you; +and then you shall again find that you have a husband, +Helen, and our union shall be renewed in +death, and cemented in our blood.—I say no more. +You command, and it is my duty to obey."</p> + +<p>He then took off his <i>robe de chambre</i> which he +wore in prison; and I dressed him in the loose +gown I had made up for the occasion, and long +enough to hide his feet; and even when he had +my bonnet on, I had the satisfaction of seeing +that he did not look much taller than I did. I +now wrapt his robe tight round me, put all my +hair under his night-cap and with my handkerchief +at my eyes awaited the gaoler's summons; while +Pendarves dropped the veil, and covered his face +with his handkerchief as if in grief. But the +anxious heavings of my bosom and the mournful +ones of his were only too real. Every thing +favoured us; the wind was high, and, by blowing +the door to, blew out the lamp which the gaoler +held: therefore the only light was from a dim +lamp in the passage. At the door stood the trembling +Juan.</p> + +<p>"There, take care of her; for she totters as if +she was drunk," said the gaoler; "I warrant you +she will never come again."</p> + +<p>In five minutes more Seymour was in the cart, +and very shortly after he reached our cottage in +safety, and was, as me, lying in my bed in the +Champs Elisées. I, meanwhile, went to bed, and +made no answer, but by groans to the "Good +night" and brutal consolations of the gaoler, when +he came to lock me up, without the smallest +suspicion who I was. But when I heard myself +actually locked up for the night, I threw myself +on my knees in a transport of devout gratitude.</p> + +<p>The next morning I rose after short and troubled +rest, seating myself with my back to the door, +that I might remain undiscovered as long as I could, +in order to give my husband more time to get +away. But I could no longer retard the awful +moment; for my gaoler came to summon me before +the tribunal.</p> + +<p>"I am quite ready!" said I, turning slowly +round. I leave you to imagine his surprise, his +indignation, his execrations, and his abuse. I +forgave him, for the poor wretch feared for his +place, if not for his life.</p> + +<p>"Yes: you shall go before the tribunal," said +he, seizing me with savage fury. "But no, I +must first send after your rascally husband."</p> + +<p>He then locked me in; and I saw no more of +him for two hours, when I heard a great noise in +the passage, down which my cell when open looked, +and presently the door was unlocked by the gaoler +himself, who exclaimed with a malignant smile, +"Your husband is taken, and brought back! Look +out, and you will see him!"</p> + +<p>I <i>did</i> look out, I did see him, unseen by him +at first, and I saw him walking up the passage +with La Beauvais weeping on his arm, and one of +hers thrown across his shoulder.</p> + +<p>An involuntary exclamation escaped me; and I +retreated back into the cell. I have since heard +that Henroit and his guards, De Walden and Juan, +were in the passage; but I only saw my husband +and La Beauvais; and leaning against the wall I +hid my face in my hands, oppressed with a thousand +contending and bewildering sensations.</p> + +<p>"There!" said the vindictive gaoler, ushering +in Pendarves, as if he felt how painful a <i>tête-à-tête</i> +between us now would be; "there, citizen! +I shall shut you up with your wife, till I know +what is to be done with her. But perhaps you +would like the other <i>citoyenne</i> better?"</p> + +<p>"Peace!" cried Pendarves, "and leave us +alone!"</p> + +<p>"Helen!" said my husband.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Pendarves!"</p> + +<p>"I see how it is, Helen; nor can I blame you: +appearances were against me. But I must and +will assure you, that that person's appearing at +such a time, and her behaviour, were as unexpected +as they were unwelcome."</p> + +<p>Still I spoke not: no, not even to inquire +why I had the misery of seeing him return; and +ere I had broken this painful but only too natural +silence, and had only just resumed my woman's +gown, the door was again thrown open, and an +officer of the National Convention came to say, +that I was allowed to return home for the present, +till further proceedings were resolved upon.</p> + +<p>"Take notice, sir," said Pendarves, "that this +lady's only fault has been too great a regard for +an unworthy husband; and that what you may +deem a crime, the rest of Europe will call a +virtue."</p> + +<p>The officer smiled; and wishing my husband +good night, I followed where he led.</p> + +<p>At the gate I found De Walden, who accompanied +me home, having first been assured by the +officer that I should be under surveillance.</p> + +<p>"And is it thus, rash Helen, you use your best +friends, and risk an existence so valuable?" cried +De Walden.</p> + +<p>"Spare me, spare me your reproaches," said I: +"I am sufficiently humbled already."</p> + +<p>"Not <i>humbled</i>—those only are humbled who +could injure such a creature. Helen, I was in the +passage at the prison, and I saw all that passed.</p> + +<p>"Now then, while this recollection is fresh on +your mind, let me ask you if you think yourself +justified in staying here where you are now exposed +to insult and to danger, for the sake of one +who at a moment which would have bound another +man more tenderly than ever, could so meet and +so offend your eyes?" I was still silent.</p> + +<p>"Now then hear my proposal. I have the +greatest reason to believe that I can secure an +escape both for you, Alice, and myself, through +the <i>barriere</i> this very night on the road to Switzerland, +There, my dear friend, I offer you a +home and a parent! My mother will be your +mother, my uncle your uncle; and well do I know, +that could my revered Mrs. Pendarves look down +on what is passing here, she would be happier to +see you under the protection of my family than +under any other protection on earth!"</p> + +<p>"No, my dear friend, no; your just resentment +and your wishes deceive you. My mother valued +her child's fame and her child's virtues equal with +her safety."</p> + +<p>"Your fame could not suffer. I would not +live even near you, Helen. I am as jealous of +your fame as any mother could be: besides that +<i>principle</i> would make me shun you.—No, Helen; +I would see you safe in Switzerland, and then sail +for America."</p> + +<p>"Generous man! But you shall not quit your +country for my sake: besides, I will not quit my +husband in the hour of danger. No, whatever be +the fate of Pendarves, I stay to witness and perhaps +to share it. The die is cast: so say no more."</p> + +<p>By this time we had reached my home. Alice +came to meet me.</p> + +<p>"O my poor, dear master!" said she: "but +it was all his own seeking. We had passed the +barrier; but he would go back. He declared he +could not, would not escape till he knew you were +safe: when just as I was got into the house in the +Champs Elisées, and he was holding the reins in +his hands, the officers seized him; and he said, +'I am he whom you seek—I am quite willing to +accompany you.'"</p> + +<p>"This in some measure redeems his character +with me," cried De Walden; and <i>I</i> did not feel +it the less because I said nothing: but at length I +said, "Generous Seymour! He never told me +this. He did not make a merit of it with me."</p> + +<p>Juan now came in, lamenting with great grief +his poor master's return. "O that vile woman!" +cried he: "It was at her instigation that he was +to have been tried and condemned to-day; and +then she repented, and came to the prison to watch +for his being led out, when she saw him brought +back, and then she had the audacity to hang upon +him, weeping and making such a fuss! while he, +poor soul, tried to shake her off, assuring her he +forgave her, but never wished to see her more!"</p> + +<p>"Did he act and talk thus?" cried I.</p> + +<p>"He did indeed."</p> + +<p>"And he came back from anxiety for me! O +my dear friend, how glad am I that I refused your +proposal before I heard this!"—Sweet indeed was +it to my heart to have the conduct of Pendarves +thus cleared up.</p> + +<p>That evening we learnt that Pendarves was to +go before the tribunal the next day; and I was +preparing to try to gain admittance to him, and to +see him as he came out, when an order for my own +arrest came, and an officer and his assistants to +lead me to a prison. Juan instantly went in +search of De Walden; but I was led away before +his return.</p> + +<p>On the road we met the tyrant: <i>"Ah ha, ma +belle!"</i> cried he, "where are now your green +spectacles?"</p> + +<p>I haughtily demanded my liberty; but he said +I was a dangerous person—and to prison I was +borne. To such a prison too! My husband's cell +was a palace to mine; but I immediately concluded +that they wished to make my confinement so +horrible that I should be glad to leave it on any +conditions.</p> + +<p>Two days after, and while I had been, I found, +forbidden to see any one, I received a letter informing +me that my decree of arrest should +instantly be <i>cassé</i>, my husband set at liberty and +sent with a safe-conduct out of the frontiers, if I +would promise to smile on a man who adored me, +and who had power to do whatever he promised, +and would perform it before he claimed one approving +glance from my fine eyes.</p> + +<p>I have kept this letter as a specimen of Jacobin +love-making. It was not signed with any name, +except that of my <i>dévoué serviteur</i>; and I never +knew from whom it came.</p> + +<p>It told me an answer would be called for <i>in +person</i> the day after the next; and anxiously did +I await this interview—await it in horrors unspeakable. +There was, however, one comfort +which I derived from this letter: till it was answered, +I felt assured that my husband was safe. +Dreadful was the morrow: more dreadful still the +day after it; for hourly now did I expect the visit +of the wretch. But that day, and the next day +passed, and I saw no one but my taciturn and +brutal gaoler, and heard nothing but the closing +of the prison doors.</p> + +<p>The next day too I expected him still in vain; +but that night I marked an unusual emotion, and, +as I thought, a look of alarm in my gaoler; and +my wretched scanty meals were not given me till +a considerable time after the usual hour. That +night too I and the other prisoners, I found, were +locked up two hours before the customary time.</p> + +<p>All that night I heard noises in the street of +the most frightful description; and as my cell was +near the front gates of the prison, I could even +distinguish what the sounds were; and I heard +the horrible tocsin sound to arms: I heard the +report of fire-arms, I heard the shouts of the +people, I heard the cry of 'Liberty,' I heard +'Down with the tyrant!' and all these mingled +with execrations, shrieks, and, as I fancied, groans; +while I sunk upon my knees, and committed myself +in humble resignation to the awful fate which might +then be involving him I loved, and which might +soon reach me, and drag me from the dungeon to +the scaffold!</p> + +<p>At this moment of horrible suspense and alarm, +and soon after the day had risen on this theatre of +blood, my door was thrown open, not by my brutal +gaoler, but by De Walden and Juan! My gaoler, +one of the tools of despotism, had fled; the twenty-eighth +of July had freed the country from the +fetters of the tyrant; he was <i>then</i> at that moment +on his way to the guillotine with his colleagues; +and I, Pendarves, and hundreds else, were saved!</p> + +<p>Oh! what had not my poor servants and De +Walden endured during the four days of my imprisonment! +Painful as that was, they feared worse +evils might ensue; while Pendarves, confined with +the utmost strictness, was not allowed to see even +Juan!</p> + +<p>But where was Pendarves? and why did I not +see <i>him</i>, if he was indeed at liberty? De Walden +looked down and replied, "He is at liberty, I +know; but we have heard and seen nothing of him."</p> + +<p>By this time we had reached my home, where I +was received with tears of joy by my agitated attendants. +But, alas! my joy was changed into +mortification and bitterness: and when my happy +friends called on me to rejoice with them, I replied, +in the agony of my heart, "I <i>am</i> thankful, +but I shall never rejoice again!" and for some +minutes I laid my head on the table, and never +spoke but by the deepest sighs.</p> + +<p>"I understand you," replied De Walden; "and +if I can bring you any welcome intelligence, depend +on it that I will."</p> + +<p>He then hastily departed; and worn out with +anxiety, want of sleep, and sorrow, I retired to +my bed, and fortunately sunk into a deep and +quiet slumber.</p> + +<p>When I went down to breakfast the next day, +I found De Walden waiting for me. His cheek +was pale, and his look dejected; but he smiled +when I entered the room, and told me he brought +me tidings of my husband.</p> + +<p>"Indeed!" cried I with eagerness.</p> + +<p>"Yes; I have seen him. He is at a lodging +on the Italian Boulevards—and alone."</p> + +<p>"Alone! And—and does he not mean to see +me; to call and—"</p> + +<p>"How could he? Have you forgotten how you +last parted? You resenting deeply his then only +seeming delinquency; and he wounded by, yet +resigned to, your evident resentment."</p> + +<p>"True, true: yet still—"</p> + +<p>"No; I had a long conversation with Pendarves,—for +after his late behaviour, and being convinced +that he was alone, I had no objection to call on +him,—and he received me as I wished. He even +was as open on every subject as I could desire; +and I found him, though still persecuted by the +letters of La Beauvais, resolved never to renew any +correspondence with her."</p> + +<p>"If so, and if sure of himself, why not write +to me, if he does not like to visit me? I am sure +I have not proved myself unforgiving."</p> + +<p>"Shall I tell you why? A feeling that does him +honour; a consciousness that, fallen as he is from +the high estate he once held in your esteem and +that of others, he cannot presume to require of +you, though you are his wife, a re-instatement in +your love and your society; and he very properly +feels that the first advance should come from you: +for though, as I told him, the relaxed principles +of the world allow husbands a latitude which they +deny to wives; still, in the eyes of God, and in +those of nicely feeling men, the fault is in both +sexes equal; and an offender like Pendarves is no +longer entitled, as he was before, to the tenderness +of a virtuous wife. Nay, Pendarves, penitent and +self-judged, agrees with me in this opinion, and +is thereby raised in my estimation."</p> + +<p>"What! does Pendarves feel and think thus?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; therefore I will myself entreat for him +entire forgiveness; but not directly, and as if a +husband who has so grossly erred were as dear to +you as one without error."</p> + +<p>Here De Walden's voice failed him; but he soon +after added, in a low voice, "And I trust that to +have aided in bringing about your re-union will +support me under the feelings which the sight of +it may occasion me."</p> + +<p>"But does Pendarves think I shall be always +inexorable?"</p> + +<p>"He cannot think so; from your oft experienced +kindness."</p> + +<p>"Then why prolong his anxiety? Why not offer +to return with him to England directly?"</p> + +<p>"Because I think there would be an indelicacy +in offering so soon to re-unite yourself to him. I +would have you, though a wife, 'be wooed, and +not unsought be won;' but I should not dare to +give you this advice, were I not convinced that this +is the feeling of Pendarves. Besides, I also feel +that he would be less oppressed by your superior +virtue, if he found it leavened by a little female +pride and resentment."</p> + +<p>"Well, well, I will consider the matter," said I.</p> + +<p>The next day, and the day after, De Walden +called and saw Pendarves. "He is very unhappy," +said he; "though he might be the envy of all +the first men in Paris. The most beautiful woman +in it, who lives in the first style, is fallen in love +with him; but he refuses all invitations to her +house, does not answer her <i>billets-doux</i>, and rejects +all her advances."</p> + +<p>"He does not love her, I suppose?" I replied, +masking my satisfaction in a scornful smile.</p> + +<p>"No, Helen. He says, and I believe him, that +he never really loved any one but you; and for +La Beauvais, who persecutes him with visits as +well as letters, he has a kind of aversion. Believe +me, that at this moment he has all my pity, and +much of my esteem; and could I envy the man +who, having called you his, is conscious of the +guilt of having left you, I trust I should soon +have an opportunity of envying Pendarves."</p> + +<p>Oh! the waywardness of the human heart; or, +was it only the waywardness of mine? Now that I +found my husband was anxious to return to me, +I felt less anxious for the re-union; and having +gained my point, I began to consider with more +severity the faults which I was called upon to overlook; +and though I had reclaimed my wanderer, +I began to consider whether the reward was equal +to the pains bestowed. And also I felt a little +mortified to find De Walden so willing to effect +our union, and so active in his endeavours to further +it. These obliquities of feeling were, however, +only temporary; and I had actually written +to Pendarves, by the advice of De Walden, assuring +him, all was so much forgiven and forgotten, that +I was prepared to quit Paris with him, and go +with him the world over—when the most dreadful +intelligence reached me! even at this hour I +cannot recall that moment without agony. I must +lay down my pen—</p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<p>Pendarves continued to resist the repeated importunities +of La Beauvais to visit her; but at +length she sent a friend to tell him she was dying, +and trusted he would not refuse to bid her farewell.—Pendarves +could not, dared not refuse to answer +this appeal to his feelings, and he repaired to her +hotel; in which, though he knew it not, she was +maintained by one of the new Members of the +Convention, whom she had inveigled to marry her +according to the laws of the republic. When he +arrived, he found her scarcely indisposed; and reproaching +her severely with her treachery, he told +her that all her artifices were vain; that his heart +had always been his wife's though circumstances +had enabled her to lure him from me; that now +I had shone upon him in the moments of danger +more brightly than ever; and that he conjured her +to forget a guilty man, who, though never likely +perhaps to be happy again with the woman he +adored, yet still preferred his present solitary but +guiltless situation to all the intoxicating hours +which he had passed with <i>her</i>.</p> + +<p>La Beauvais, who really loved him, was overcome +with this solemn renunciation, and fell back +in a sort of hysterical affection on the couch; and +while he held her hand, and was bathing her +temples with essences, her husband rushed in, +and exclaiming, "Villain, defend yourself!" he +gave a pistol into the hand of Pendarves; then +firing himself, the ball took effect; and while De +Walden was waiting his return at his lodgings to +give him my letter of recall and of forgiving love, +he was carried thither a bleeding and a dying man! +But he was conscious; and while Juan, who called +by accident, remained with him, De Walden came +to break the dread event to me, and bear me to +the couch of the sufferer.</p> + +<p>He was holding my letter to his heart.</p> + +<p>"It has healed every wound there," said he, +"except those by conscience made; and it shall +lie there till all is over."</p> + +<p>Silent, stunned, I threw myself beside him, +and joined my cold cheek to his.</p> + +<p>"O Helen! and is it thus we meet? Is <i>this</i> our +re-union?"</p> + +<p>"Live! do but live," cried I, in a burst of +salutary tears; "and you shall find how dearly I +love you still; and we shall be so happy!—happier +than ever!"</p> + +<p>He shook his head mournfully, and said he did +not deserve to live, and to be so happy; and he +humbly bowed to that chastising hand which, when +he had escaped punishment for real errors, made +him fall the victim of an imaginary one.</p> + +<p>The surgeons now came to examine the wound +a second time, and confirmed their previous sentence, +that the wound was mortal; on which he +desired to be left alone with me, and I was able +to suppress my feelings that I might sooth his +during this overwhelming interview.</p> + +<p>These moments are some of the dearest and most +sacred in the stores of memory—but I shall not +detail them; suffice that I was able, in default of +better aid, to cheer the death-bed of the beloved +sufferer, and breathe over him, from the lips of +agonizing tenderness, the faltering but fervent +prayer.</p> + +<p>That duty done, my fortitude was exhausted, +I saw before me, not the erring husband—the +being who had blighted my youth by anxiety, and +wounded all the dearest feelings of my soul; but +the playfellow of my childhood, the idolized +object of my youthful heart, and the husband of +my virgin affections! and I was going to lose him! +and he lay pale and bleeding before me! and his +last fond lingering look of unutterable love was +now about to close on me for ever!</p> + +<p>"She has forgiven me!" he faltered out; "and +Oh! mayst Thou forgive my trespasses against +thee!—Helen! it is sweet and consoling, my only +love, to die here," said he, laying his cheek upon +my bosom:—and he spoke no more!</p> +<p> </p> +<hr class="minimal" /> +<p> </p> +<p>Alas! I could not have the sad consolation, when +I recovered my recollection, to carry his body to +England, to repose by those dear ones already in +the grave; but I do not regret it now. Since then, +the hands of piety have planted the rough soil in +which he was laid; flowers bloom around his grave; +and when five years ago I visited Paris, with my +own hands I strewed his simple tomb with flowers +that spring from the now hallowed soil around.</p> + +<p>Object of my earliest and my fondest love +never, no never, have forgotten thee! nor can I +ever forget! But, like one of the shades of +Ossian, thou comest over my soul, brightly +arrayed in the beams of thy loveliness; but all around +thee is dark with mists and storms!</p> + +<p>To conclude.—I have only to add, that after +two years of seclusion, and I may say of sorrow, +and one of that dryness and desolation of the +heart, when it seems as if it could love no more, +that painful feeling vanished, and I became the +willing bride of De Walden; that my beloved uncle +lived to see me the happy mother of two children; +and that my aunt gossips, advises and quotes, as +well and as constantly as usual; that on the death +of his uncle and his mother, my husband and I +came to reside entirely in England; that Lord +Charles Belmour, with a broken constitution and +a shattered fortune, was glad at last to marry for +a nurse and a dower, and took to wife a first cousin +who had loved him for years,—a woman who had +sense enough to overlook his faults in his good +qualities, and temper enough to bear with the +former; and he grows every day more happy, more +amiable, and more in love with marriage.</p> + +<p>For myself, I own with humble thankfulness +the vastness of the blessings I enjoy; and though +I cannot repent that I married the husband of my +own choice, I confess I have never been so truly +happy as with the husband of my mother's:—for +though I feel that it is often delightful to forgive +a husband's errors, she, and she alone, is truly to +be envied, whose husband has no errors to forgive.</p> +<p> </p> +<h3>THE END.</h3> +<p> </p> +<hr class="tiny" /> +<p> </p> + +<table class="sm" border="0" style="background-color: #E6F6FA; margin: 0 auto" cellspacing="2" cellpadding="4" summary="NOTES"> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"> + <div class="center">TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE</div> + +<p style="background-color: #E6F6FA"> +Missing punctuation has been added and superfluous punctuation removed +(most frequently quotation marks). Period spellings have been retained, +although a number of obvious typographical errors were corrected. +Hyphenation is inconsistent throughout, and a number of words occur +in various spellings.</p> + +<p>The name of one historical figure appears both as Hebert and as Herbert +in the original, and has been changed to Hébert. Otherwise, no +corrections have been made to the French.</p> + +<p>The following additional changes have been made and can be identified +in the body of the text by a grey dotted underline.<br /> + </p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="w50" align="left" valign="top">I went to down dinner</td> +<td align="left" valign="top">I went <b>down to</b> dinner</td> +</tr> + +<tr> + <td class="w50" align="left" valign="top">and as i If addressed an inferior</td> + <td align="left" valign="top">and as <b>if I</b> addressed an inferior</td> +</tr> + +<tr> + <td class="w50" align="left" valign="top">We were asked to stay dinner</td> + <td align="left" valign="top">We were asked to stay <b>to</b> dinner</td> +</tr> + +<tr> + <td align="left" valign="top">a mono-drame, a a ballet of action</td> +<td align="left" valign="top">a mono-drame, <b>a</b> ballet of action</td> +</tr> + +<tr> + <td align="left" valign="top">the impractible Lord Charles</td> +<td align="left" valign="top">the <b>impracticable</b> Lord Charles</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td><td class="w50">(NB impracticable here has its old meaning of unmanageable)</td></tr> + +<tr> + <td align="left" valign="top">were a tearful one fails</td> +<td align="left" valign="top"><b>where</b> a tearful one fails</td> +</tr> + +<tr> + <td align="left" valign="top"> as little attention as as I can</td> +<td align="left" valign="top">as little attention <b>as</b> I can</td> +</tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" align="center"> +<p>One passage had a line of text out of sequence:</p></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" align="left"> +<p class="noindent">returned in much agitation from his walk, but I<br /> + experienced at sight of Pendarves; and on inquiry<br /> + saw it was of an opposite nature to that which he<br /> + I found that he had, as he said, met that good<br /> + young man, Count De Walden.</p></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" align="center"> +<p>The corrected passage reads:</p></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td colspan="2" align="left"> +<p class="noindent">returned in much agitation from his walk, but I<br /> + <b>saw it was of an opposite nature to that which he</b><br /> + experienced at sight of Pendarves; and on inquiry<br /> + I found that he had, as he said, met that good<br /> + young man, Count De Walden.</p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Wife's Duty, by Amelia Alderson Opie + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A WIFE'S DUTY *** + +***** This file should be named 35294-h.htm or 35294-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/2/9/35294/ + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Wife's Duty + A Tale + +Author: Amelia Alderson Opie + +Release Date: February 15, 2011 [EBook #35294] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A WIFE'S DUTY *** + + + + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + + + + + + + + +A WIFE'S DUTY. + + [Illustration: Country House scene by _A H Payne_] + ["Dearest Helen! why should we ever leave this paradise of sweets?"] + + + + + A + WIFE'S DUTY, + A Tale + + by + Mrs. Opie + + [Illustration: A view between Paris and Marseilles] + + + + + "There is no killing like that which kills the heart." + SHAKSPEARE. + + + LONDON: + PUBLISHED BY GROVE AND SON, + TRINITY STREET, SOUTHWARK. + 1847. + + + + + A WIFE'S DUTY, + + + BEING A CONTINUATION OF A + "WOMAN'S LOVE." + + PART THE SECOND. + +I am only too painfully aware, my dear friend, that in my history of +a "Woman's Love," I have related none but very common occurrences +and situations, and entered into minute, nay, perhaps, uninteresting +details. Still, however common an event may be, it is susceptible of +variety in description, because endlessly various is the manner in which +the same event affects different persons. Perhaps no occurrence ever +affected two human beings exactly in the same manner; but as the rays +of light call forth different hues and gradations of colour, according +to the peculiar surfaces of the objects on which they fall, so common +circumstances vary in their results and their effects, according to the +different natures and minds of those to whom they occur. + +My trials have been, and will no doubt continue to be, the trials of +thousands of my sex; but the manner in which I acted under them, and +their effect on my feelings and my character, must be peculiar to +myself. And on these alone I can presume to found my expectation of +affording to you, while you read, the variety which keeps attention +alive, and the interest which repays it. + +In the same week which made me a bride Ferdinand De Walden left England, +unable to remain near the spot which had witnessed the birth of his +dearest hopes, and would now witness the destruction of them. + +I could have soothed in a degree the "pangs of despised love," by +assuring him that I was convinced nothing but a prior attachment could +have prevented my heart from returning his love. I could have told +him that I seemed to myself to have two hearts; the one glowing with +passionate tenderness for the object of its first feelings, the other +conscious of a deep-rooted and well-founded esteem for him. But it was +my duty to conceal this truth from him, as such an avowal would have +strengthened my hold on his remembrance, and it was now become his duty +to forget. + +My mother not very long after my marriage wounded my feelings in a +manner which I could not soon recover. I was speaking of De Walden with +that warmth of regard which I really felt for him, and lamenting that +I should probably now see him no more, when, with a look of agony for +which I was not prepared, she begged me never to mention the name +of De Walden to her again; for that her only chance of being able to +reconcile herself to the marriage which I had made, was her learning +to forget the one which she had so ardently desired. + +Eagerly indeed did I pledge my word to her, that I would in future never +name De Walden. + +The first twelve months of my wedded life were halcyon days; and the +first months of marriage are not often such,--perhaps they never are, +except where the wedded couple are so young that they are not trammelled +in habits which are likely to interfere with a spirit of accommodation; +nor even then, probably, unless the temper is good and yielding on both +sides. It usually takes some time for the husband and wife to know each +other's humours and habits, and to find out what surrender of their own +they can make with the least reluctance for their mutual good. But we +had youth, and (I speak it not as a boast) we had good temper also. +Seymour, you know, was proverbially good-natured; and I, though an only +child, had not had my naturally happy temper ruined by injudicious +indulgence. + +You know that Seymour and I went to Paris, and thence to Marseilles, not +very long after we were married, and returned in six months, to complete +the alterations which we had ordered to be made to our house, under the +superintendence of my mother. + +We found our alterations really deserving the name of improvements, and +Seymour enthusiastically exclaimed, "O Helen! never, never will we leave +this enchanting place. Here let us live, my beloved, and be the world to +each other!" + +My heart readily assented to this delightful proposition, but even then +my judgement revolted at it. + +I felt, I knew that Pendarves loved and was formed for society. I was +sure that by beginning our wedded life with total seclusion, we should +only prepare the way for utter distaste to it; and concealing my own +inclinations, I told him I must stipulate for three months of London +every spring. My husband started with surprise and mortification at +this un-romantic reply to his sentimental proposal, nor could he at all +accede to it; but he complained of my passion for London to my mother, +while the country with me for his companion was quite sufficient for his +happiness. + +"These are early times yet," replied my mother coldly; and Seymour was +not satisfied with the mother or the daughter. + +"Seymour," said I one day, "since you have declared against keeping +any more terms, and will therefore not read much law till you become a +justice of the peace, pray, tell me how you mean to employ yourself?" + +"Why, in the first place," said he, "I shall read or write. But my first +employment shall be to teach you Spanish. I cannot endure to think that +De Walden taught you Italian, Helen." + +"But you taught me to love, you know, therefore you ought to forgive +it." + +"No, I cannot rest till I also have helped to complete your education." + +"Well, but I cannot be learning Spanish all day." + +"No; so perhaps I shall set about writing a great work." + +"The very thing that I was going to propose, though not exactly a great +work. What think you of a life of poor Chatterton, with critical remarks +on his poems?" + +"Excellent! I will do it." + +And now having given him a pursuit, I ventured to indulge some +reasonable hopes that home and the country might prove to him as +delightful as he fancied that they would be; and what with studying +Spanish, with building a green-house, with occasional writing, with +study, with getting together materials for this life, and writing +the preface, time fled on very rapid pinions; and after we had been +married two years, and May arrived a second time, Seymour triumphantly +exclaimed, "There, Helen! I believe that you distrusted my love for the +country; but have I once expressed or felt a wish to go to London?" + +"The ides of March are come, but not gone," I replied; "and surely if I +wish to go, you will not deny me." + +"No, Helen, certainly not," said he in a tone of mortification; "if I am +no longer all-sufficient for your happiness." + +Alas! in the ingenuousness of my nature, I gave way when he said this to +the tenderness of my heart, and assured him that my happiness depended +wholly on the enjoyment of his society; and I fear it is too true that +men soon learn to slight what they are sure of possessing. Had I been an +artful woman, and could I have condescended to make him doubtful of the +extent of my love, by a few woman's subterfuges; could I have feigned a +desire to return to the world, instead of owning, as I did, that all my +enjoyment was comprised in home and him; I do think that I might have +been for a much longer period the happiest of wives; but then I should +have been, in my own eyes, despicable as a woman, and I was always +tenacious of my own esteem. + +May was come, but not gone--when I found my husband was continually +reading to me, after having previously read to himself, the accounts in +the papers of the gaieties of London. + +"What a tempting account this is, Helen, of the Exhibition at Somerset +House!--I should like to see it. Seeing pictures is an elegant rational +amusement. And here are soon to be a ball and supper at Ranelagh. A fine +place Ranelagh for such an entertainment." + +Here he read a list of routs and cotillion balls at different places; +but one day he read, with infinite mortification, that our uncle, Mr. +Pendarves, had given a ball on the return of his son-in-law to +Parliament. + +"How abominable," cried Seymour, "for my uncle to give a ball, and not +invite us to go up to it!" + +"You forget," replied I, "that, knowing our passion for the country, and +that we had abjured the world, he did not like to ask us, because he +knew he should be refused." + +"I am not so sure he would have been refused, Helen; or, as to having +abjured the world--No, no; we are not such fools as to do that--are we, +my dearest girl?" + +"We are bound by no vows, certainly; and, as soon as retirement is +become irksome to you, we can go to London." + +"Did I say that retirement was grown irksome? Oh, fie! such an idea +never entered my thoughts: besides, as this fine ball is over, what +should we go to London for?" + +"There may be other fine balls, and fine parties, you know." + +"True; but really, Helen, I begin to believe you wish to go to London." + +"If you do, I do certainly." + +"I!--Not I indeed. Ah, Helen! I suspect you are not ingenuous with me; +and you do wish to go." + +I only smiled: but I soon found that the book did not get forward, that +the newspapers were anxiously expected, and that my Spanish master +sometimes forgot his task in the indulgence of reverie; and I debated +within myself, whether it would not be for our interest and our domestic +comfort, to propose to go to London, in order to conceal from him as +long as I could that I was not sufficient for his happiness; and that he +would live and die a man of the world. I was the more ready to do this, +because I wished that my mother should not see my empire was on the +decline. Why did I so wish? I hoped it was because I was desirous to +spare her any anxiety for my peace; but I fear it also was because I did +not like that she should have cause to suspect her choice for me was +likely to have proved a better one than my own. (I believe I have +observed before, how strong my conviction is, that there is scarcely +such a thing in nature as a single motive of action.) + +I therefore, in the presence of my mother, hinted a wish to go to London +for six weeks. She started, and looked suspiciously at Pendarves; while +he, with an odd mixture of surprise, joy, and mortification in his +countenance, exclaimed-- + +"Do I hear right, Helen? Are you, after all you have declared, desirous +of going to London?" + +"I am: 'Variety is charming,' says the proverb; and here you know it is +_toujours perdrix_!" + +"Well, there, madam," said Pendarves, turning to my mother, "you will +now, I hope, believe what I assured you of some time ago, that Helen +had a passion for London?" + +"_C'est selon_," replied my mother, "to use a French phrase, in answer +to Helen's," and darting, as she spoke, a penetrating glance at me. + +"I assure you," replied I, "that my wish to go to London originates with +myself, as I believe that this journey to the metropolis is the wisest, +as well as the most agreeable thing I could desire." + +My mother sighed; and a "Well, my child, I have no reason to doubt your +word," broke languidly from her lips, while she suddenly rose and left +the room. + +"And are you really in earnest, Helen?" said Pendarves. + +"Never more so; and unless my proposal is very distasteful to you, I +beg you will write directly, and engage lodgings." + +"Distasteful! oh, no! quite the contrary. I shall be proud to exhibit my +lovely wife in London, where, no doubt, she will be as much admired as +she was abroad.--Do you think," he affectionately added, "that I have +forgotten the exquisite pleasure I experienced at seeing you the object +of general attraction wherever you moved?" + +This was said and felt kindly; still it did not inspire me with that +confidence which it seemed likely to inspire; for I, though I was +conscious of my husband's personal beauty, had no vanity to gratify in +exhibiting him to the London world. I had no wish to be the most envied +of women, it was sufficient for me to know that I was the happiest; and +I thought that, if Pendarves loved as truly as I did, the consciousness +of his happiness would have been sufficient for him. Still, I am well +aware how wrong it is to judge the love of others according to our own +capability of loving. As well, and as justly, might we confine beauty, +or the power of pleasing, to one cast of features or complexion. All +persons love after a manner of their own; and woe must befal the man or +woman who expects to be loved according to their own way and their own +degree of loving, without any consideration for the different character +and different feelings of the beloved object. + +"How absurd I am!" said I to myself, after I had shed some weak tears +in the solitude of my chamber, because Pendarves did not love me, I +found, as I loved him. "How absurd! True, he delights in the idea of +exhibiting me, and I have no wish to exhibit him. After all, he loves +more generously than I do, and my selfishness is nothing to be proud +of." + +Thus I reasoned with myself, and tried to fortify my mind to bear the +cares and the dangers which I had, on principle, provoked. + +"One word, Helen," said my mother, when she was alone with me after +what had passed relative to my projected journey: "Are you sure, my +dear child, that in urging your husband to go to London you have acted +wisely?" + +"As sure as the consciousness of my bounded vision of futurity can allow +me to be. I thought it better to forestal my husband's wishes than to +wait for the expression of them." + +"If not better, it was less mortifying," replied my quick-sighted +parent; and we said no more on the subject. + +In three days' time we had lodgings procured for us near Hanover Square; +and on the fourth day from that on which I made known my wishes, we set +off for London. But how different were the feelings of my husband and +myself on the occasion! He was all joy and pleased expectation, unmixed +with any painful regret or any anxious fears. But I left, for some +time, a tenderly beloved mother, and the scene of tranquil and certain +enjoyment. I was going, I knew, to encounter, probably, the influence +of rivals, both in men and women, in my husband's attentions, and the +dangerous power of long and early associations. And how did I know but +that into a renewal of intimacy with his former associates I was not +bringing my husband? But I had done what I thought right; and if I had +presumptuously acted on the dictates of human wisdom alone, I prayed, +fervently prayed, that the divine wisdom would take pity on my weakness, +and avert the courted and impending evil. + +I was many miles on my journey before I could drive from my mind the +recollection of my mother's countenance when we parted. It did not alone +express sorrow to part with me: it indicated anxiety, foreboding of +evil to happen before we met again; and it required all my husband's +enlivening gaiety and fascinating powers to revive my drooping spirits. +His gaiety, I must own, however, depressed rather than enlivened me at +first; for I was mortified to see with what delight he anticipated our +return to the great world: but, as I had no ill-tempered feelings to +oppose to the influence of his buoyant hilarity and his winning charm of +manner, they at length subdued my depression, and imparted to me their +own pleasant cheerfulness. + +"Dear, dear London!" cried Pendarves as our horses' hoofs first rattled +on its pavement, "Dear London! how I love thee! for here I was first +convinced how fondly Helen loved me!" So saying, he pressed me to his +heart, and a feeling of revived confidence stole over mine. + +We found my uncle and Mrs. Pendarves still in London; but I did not feel +as rejoiced on the occasion as they and my husband did. The latter was +glad because he had in them proper protectors for his wife, whenever +he was obliged to leave me; and the former, because they had really +an affection for us. But I knew so much of Mrs. Pendarves, by the +description I had heard of her from Lady Helen and my mother, and what I +had observed myself, that I dreaded being exposed to her home truths and +her indiscreet communications. + +It was not long before we found ourselves completely in the vortex of a +London life. And as, for the most part, my husband's engagements and +mine were the same, I lost the gloomy forebodings with which I left +home, and even lost my fears of Mrs. Pendarves. + +One day Pendarves told me he was going to dine with an old friend of +his, Maurice Witred; but, as I was not going out, he hoped to be back to +drink tea with me; but I expected him in vain, and he did not return +till bed-time. + +He told me he was sorry to have disappointed me; but his friend had +prevailed on him to go to the play. This excuse was so sufficient, and +his wish to accompany Mr. Witred so natural, that I should have had no +misgiving whatever had I not observed a certain degree of constraint in +his manner, and a consciousness as if he had not told me all. However, +I was satisfied with the alleged cause of his absence, and I slept as +soundly as usual. But the next morning came Mrs. Pendarves, saying she +was glad to find me alone. She told me she had met my husband, and she +had given him such a set to! (to use her own elegant phrase.) + +"And wherefore?" + +"Oh! for going to the play with Maurice Witred and his lady." + +"Lady! I did not know he was married." + +"He is not married; and it was very wrong, and had an ill-appearance for +a young, married man to be seen in public, though it was in a private +box, with a profligate man and his mistress. I thought he would not tell +you; but I was resolved you should know it, that you might scold him +with 'the grave rebuke of a severe youthful beauty and a grace.'" + +I did not reply, even to assure her I was better pleased that she +should scold my husband than that I should do it myself; for I knew +she was incorrigible, and her communication had thrown me into a +painful reverie; for I found that Pendarves had begun to practise +disingenuousness and concealment with me, and in the most dangerous +way; for he had concealed only half the truth; by which means persons +make a sort of compromise with their integrity, and lay a salvo to +their consciences; for they fancy they are not lying, though they are +certainly deceiving; whereas, if they tell a downright lie, they, at +least, KNOW they are sinning, and may be led by conscious shame into +amendment. But there is no hope for those who thus delude themselves; +and as _ce n'est que le premier pas qui coute_, I felt that I had lost +some of my confidence in my husband's sincerity. Alas! when perfect +confidence between man and wife is once destroyed, there is an end to +perfect happiness! But I tried to shake off my abstraction; and I +listened as well as I could to my talkative companion, whose passion +was to give advice, that troublesome but common propensity in weak +people; and like such persons, she was always boasting of the advice she +had given, that which she would give, or of the dressings and _set-tos_ +which she had bestowed, or meant to bestow. At length, however, much to +my relief she went away, and not long after Pendarves returned. + +"So," said he, "I find Mrs. Pendarves has been with you, and suppose +(blushing as he spoke) that she has been telling tales of me?" + +"And of herself," I replied, smiling as unconcernedly as I could; "for +she owns to the presumption of having given you a _set-to_, as she calls +it." + +"Yes: but I suppose she told you the cause?" + +"No doubt." + +"And do you think it deserved so severe a lecture?" + +"I think it was not right in a respectable married man to seem to give +his countenance to such a connexion as the one in question; and I +suspect that you are of the same opinion." + +"I am; but why do you think so?" + +"From conceit; because I believe that fear of my censure made you +conceal from me what you had done." + +"True, most true--and my repugnance to tell you all proved to me still +more how wrong that all was." + +"My dearest Seymour," I replied, "believe me, that not all which you can +communicate to me can ever distress me so much as my consciousness of +your want of ingenuousness, and of your telling only half the truth can +do. I saw by your manner something was wrong, and I shall ever bless the +weak indiscretion of Mrs. Pendarves, because it led to this salutary +explanation; and I trust that the next time you go with Mr. Witred and +his lady to the play, you will mention both." + +"But I shall _never_ go with them again," eagerly replied my husband, +"as you, Helen think it improper." + +"But I may be too rigid in my ideas; and I beg you to be ruled by your +own judgment, rather than mine. All I ask is, to be told the whole +truth." + +Pleasant to my feelings then, and dear to my recollection since, is the +look of tenderness and approbation which Pendarves gave me as I spoke +these words; and when he left me, peace and confidence seemed restored +to my mind. + +The next evening was the fashionable night for Ranelagh, and my husband +and I, who dined out, were to accompany a large party to that scene of +gay resort. + +Ranelagh was the place for tall women to appear to advantage in. Little +women, however beautiful, were likely to be unnoticed in that circling +crowd; but, even unattended with beauty, height and a good carriage of +the person were sure to be noticed there. The pride which Pendarves took +in my appearance was never so fully gratified as at Ranelagh; for while +I leaned upon him, I used to feel my arm pressed gently to his side as +he heard or saw the admiration which my lofty stature (to speak modestly) +excited. This evening as I was quite a new face in the splendid round, +I was even followed as well as gazed at; and I was not sorry when our +carriage was announced, though I was flattered on my own account, +and pleased on my husband's; for I was eager to escape from some +particularly impertinent starers, especially as I found that Pendarves +was disposed to resent the freedom with which some men of high rank +thought themselves privileged to follow and to look at me. Before we +separated, some of the party proposed that we should meet again at +Ranelagh on the next night but one, and while I hesitated, my husband +exclaimed, "No mock modesty, Helen; no declining an opportunity, which +you must enjoy, of being admired. So, pray tell our friends you gladly +accede to their proposal." + +"I gladly accede to your proposal," cried I laughing, but blushing with +conscious vanity at the same time. + +"What an obedient wife!" cried one of the ladies; "public homage has not +spoiled her yet, I see." + +"Nor can it," replied I, "while I possess my husband's homage, which I +value far more." + +"While you possess it! Then, if his homage should fail you, you might +perhaps be pleased with the other?" + +"I humbly hope not: but if exposed to that bitter trial, I dare not +assert that I should not yield to it as scores of other women do +every day; for I must say, in defence of my sex, that good husbands, +generally speaking, make good wives; and that most women originally +value the attentions of their husbands more than those of other men. On +your sex, therefore, O false and fickle man! be visited the crimes of +ours!" + +This grave discourse provoked some laughter from my audience, from which +I was glad to escape to our carriage, which had waited for us while we +alighted. + +"So, Helen," said my husband as we went home, "it is your opinion, + + That when weak women go astray, + Their lords are more in fault than they." + +"It is." + +"And you said what you did as a gentle hint and a kind warning to me how +I behaved myself?" + +"Not so," said I eagerly: "I humbly trust that even your example would +not make me swerve from my duty; and my observation was a general one. +Still, my favourite and constant prayer is 'Let me not be led into +temptation;' and believe me, Pendarves, that she who is able to admit +that she may possibly err, is less liable to do so than the woman who +seems to believe she is incapable of it." + +"Helen," said my husband, "I never for one moment associated together +the idea of you and frailty: therefore, dear girl, I will carry you to +Ranelagh again and again; for I do love to see you admired! and I feel +proud while I think and know that even princes would woo your smiles in +vain." + +He kept his word, and we never missed a full night at Ranelagh. But one +evening completely destroyed the unmixed pleasure which I had hitherto +enjoyed there. + +We had not been round the room more than twice when we were joined by +Lord Charles Belmour, a former associate of my husband's, who, after a +little while, begged to have some private conversation with him; and +taking his arm, Pendarves consigned me to the care of the gentleman with +us, on whose other arm hung a lady to whom he was busily making love: +consequently, his attention was wholly directed to her, and I had +nothing to divert mine from the conversation which occasionally met my +ear between my husband and his noble friend, who walked close behind us. + +Sometimes this conversation was held in a low voice, and then I ceased +to listen to it; but when they spoke as usual, I thought I was justified +in attending to them. + +"Look there!" said Lord Charles, as we were passing a box in which sat +two ladies splendidly dressed, accompanied by two gentlemen, "look, +Pendarves, there is an old friend of yours!" + +"Ha!" said my husband, lowering his voice, "I protest it is she! I did +not know she was in England. Who are those men with her?" + +"What, are you jealous?" + +"Nonsense! Who are they?" + +"The man in brown is husband to the lady in blue; and for the sake of +associating with a titled lady, which your friend is, you know, he +allows his wife, who is not pretty enough to be in danger, to go about +with her and her _cher ami_--the young man in green. You know she was +always a favourite with young men." + +"True, and young indeed must the man be who is taken in by her +fascinations." + +"But she is wonderfully handsome still." + +"I hardly looked at her." + +"We are passing her again--_Now_, then, look at her if you dare." + +"Dare!" + +"Yes: for her eyes are very like the basilisk's." + +"I will risk it." + +_I_ too now looked towards the box we were approaching; at the end of +which stood a young man in green, hanging over a woman, who though no +longer young, and wholly indebted to art for her bloom, appeared to my +now jealous eyes the handsomest woman I had ever beheld. I also observed +that she saw and recognised my husband; for she suddenly started, and +looked disordered, while an expression of anger stole over her face. A +sudden stop in the crowd, to allow the PRINCE and his party to pass, who +were just entering, forced us to be stationary a few minutes before her +box. Oh! how my heart beat during this survey! But one thing gratified +me: I was sure as I did not see her bow her head or curtsy, that +Pendarves did not notice her. And yet, Lord Charles had, uncontradicted, +called her his old friend! + +Who, then, and what was she? would he tell me? Perhaps he would when he +got home; if he did not, I felt that I should be uneasy. + +We soon moved on again, and I heard Lord Charles say, + +"Cruel Pendarves, not even to look at or touch your hat to her! Surely +that would not have committed you in any way." + +"It would have been acknowledging her for an acquaintance, which I do +not now wish to do, especially in my wife's presence," I conclude he +said, for he spoke too low for me to hear; but I judge so from the +answer of Lord Charles. + +"Oh! then, if your wife was not present, you would not be so cruel?" + +"I did not say so." + +"No: but you implied it." + +"I deny that also." + +Then coming up to me, my husband again offered me his arm, and Lord +Charles left us. I soon after saw this beautiful woman walking in +the circle, and heard her named by the gentleman next me as Lady +Bell Singleton--a dashing widow more famed for her beauty and her +fascinations than her morals. But Pendarves said nothing; and though she +looked very earnestly at him, and examined me from head to foot as I +passed, I saw that he never turned his eyes on her, and seemed resolved +not to see her. + +I had therefore every reason to be pleased with my husband's conduct; +but I felt great distrust of Lord Charles. I thought he was a man, +from what I had overheard, whom I could never like as a companion for +Pendarves; and I disliked him the more, because, if I had given him +the slightest encouragement, he would have been my devoted and public +admirer, and would have delighted to make his attachment to me and our +intimacy the theme of conversation. I also saw that my cold reserve had +changed his partiality into dislike; and I could readily believe that he +would be glad in revenge to wean my husband from me. Still I could not +wish that I had treated him otherwise than I did; for I could not have +done it without compromising my sense of right, as half measures in such +cases are of no avail; and if a married woman does not at once show that +pointed and particular admiration is offensive to her, the man who +offers it has a right to think his devoirs may in time be acceptable. + +Here I may as well give you the character of this friend of my +husband's. + +Lord Charles Belmour was the son of the Duke of ----; and never was any +man more proud of the pre-eminence bestowed by rank and birth: but to +do him justice, he began life with a wish to possess more honourable +distinctions; and had he been placed in better circumstances, the world +might have heard of him as a man of science, of learning, and of talents. +But he had every thing to deaden his wish of studious fame, and nothing +to encourage it. Besides, he was too indolent to toil for that renown +which he was ambitious to enjoy; and instead of reading hard at college, +he was soon led away into the most unbounded dissipation, while he saw +honours daily bestowed on others which he had once earnestly wished to +deserve and gain himself. But he quickly drove all weak repinings from +him, proudly resolving in future to scorn and undervalue those laurels +which could now never be his. + +He therefore chose to declare it was beneath a nobleman, or even a +gentleman, to gain a prize, or take a high degree; and this assertion, +in which he did not himself believe, was quoted by many an idle dunce, +glad so to excuse the ignorance which disgraced him. + +But, spite of this pernicious opinion, Lord Charles never sought the +society of those who acted upon it; and Pendarves, who had distinguished +himself at Oxford, was his favourite companion there. + +When Lord Charles entered the world, he gave himself up to all its +vanities and irregularities. But he was conscious of great powers, and +also conscious that he had suffered them to run waste. Still if he could +not employ them in a way to excite admiration, he knew he could do so in +a way to excite fear; and after all, power was power, and to possess it +was the first wish of his heart. + +Accordingly, though conscious he had himself the follies which he +lashed, he had no mercy on those of his acquaintance; for, as he himself +observed, "it is easier to laugh at the follies of others than amend +one's own;" and though courted as an amusing companion, he was often +shunned as a dangerous one. + +Women, also, who defied him either as a suitor or an enemy, have rued +the day when they ventured to dispute his power: but, as I at length +discovered, there was one way to disarm him; and that was to own his +ability to do harm, and try to conciliate him as an active and +efficient friend. + +In that case his generous and kind feelings conquered his less amiable +ones, and his friendship was as sincere and valuable as his enmity was +pernicious. + +But, with no uncommon inconsistency, while he declared that he thought +a nobleman would disgrace himself if he sung well, or sung at all, or +entered the lists in any way with persons _a talens_, he condescended +to indulge before those whom he respected in the lowest of all talents, +though certainly one of the most amusing, that of mimickry--a gift which +usually appertains to other talents, as a border of shining gold to the +fag end of a piece of India muslin, looking more showy indeed than the +material to which it adheres; but how inferior in value and in price! + +But to resume my narrative. My husband did _not_ mention Lady Bell to +me. The next time I went to Ranelagh with mixed feelings--for I dreaded +to see this lady again, and to observe that Pendarves had chosen at +length to own her for an acquaintance; for, had he been sure of never +renewing his acquaintance, why should he not have named her to me? + +It was also with contending feelings that I found myself obliged to have +Mrs. Pendarves as my companion; for though I wished to be informed on +the subject of my anxiety, I dreaded it at the same time: and I was sure +that she would tell me all she knew. + +A nephew of Mrs. Pendarves was our escort to Ranelagh; and my husband, +who dined with Lord Charles Belmour (much to my secret sorrow), was to +join us there. + +My eyes looked every where in search of Lady Bell Singleton, and at +length I discovered her. My companion did the same; and with a sort +of scream of surprise, she said, "Oh, dear! if there is not Lady Bell +Singleton! I thought she was abroad. Do you know, my dear, when she +returned to England?" + +"How should I know, madam? The very existence of the lady was a stranger +to me till the other evening." + +"Indeed! Why, do not you really know that is the lady on whose account +your mother forbade your marriage with Pendarves?" + +"No, madam, my mother was too discreet to explain her reasons." + +"Well, my dear, you need not look so uneasy--it was all off long before +he married you--though she is a very dangerous woman where she gets a +hold, and looks + + 'So sure of her beholder's heart, + Neglecting for to take them.'" + +I scarcely heard what she said, for a sick faint feeling came over me at +the consciousness that I was now in the presence of a woman for whom +Pendarves had undoubtedly felt some sort of regard; but it was jealousy +for the past, not of the present, that overcame me, though my husband's +total silence with regard to this lady was, I could not but think, an +alarming circumstance. And "it was on her account your mother forbade +your marriage with Pendarves" still vibrated painfully in my ears, when +Lord Charles and he appeared. With a smile by no means as unconstrained +as usual I met him, and accepted his proffered arm. Lord Charles walked +with us for a round or two--then left us, whispering as he did so, +"Remember! _do_ notice her, she expects it, and I think she has a right +to it." + +Pendarves muttered, "Well, if it must be so," and his companion +disappeared. + +"Soon after we saw him with Lady Bell Singleton leaning on his arm; and +I felt convinced he had made the acquaintance since we were last at +Ranelagh, as he never noticed her till that night. We were now meeting +them for the second time, and passing close to them, when I saw Lady +Bell pointedly try to catch my husband's eye: and no longer avoiding it, +he took off his hat, and civilly, though distantly, returned the cordial +but silent salutation which she gave him. + +"This," thought I, "is in consequence of Lord Charles's interference, +and explains what Pendarves meant by 'Well, if I must, I must.'" + +How I wished that he would break his silence on this subject, and be +ingenuous! But I felt it was a delicate subject for him to treat--and I +resolved to break the ice myself. + +"That was a very beautiful woman to whom you bowed just now," said I, +glad to find that Mrs. Pendarves was looking another way. + +"She _has_ been beautiful indeed!" was his reply. + +Then looking at me, surprised I doubt not at the tremor of my voice, he +was equally surprised at my excessive paleness, and with some little +sarcasm in his tone, he said, + +"My dear Helen, is my only bowing to a fine woman capable of making your +cheek pale, and your voice trembling?" + +"No," said I, "not so--you wrong me indeed; nor did I know that my cheek +was pale." I said no more, shrinking from the seeming indelicacy of +forcing a confidence which he was disposed to withhold. + +"Helen," said he, looking up in my face, "I see our aunt Pendarves has +been at her old work, telling tales of me. I protest I shall insist on +my uncle's sending her muzzled into your company." + +"The best way of muzzling her would be to anticipate all her +communications yourself. It would be such an effectual silence to a +woman like our little aunt, to be able to say, 'I know that already!'" + +"That's artfully put, Helen! But, really, there are some things which I +have respected you too much to name to you. A general knowledge of my +past faults and follies you have long had; but, from no unworthy motive, +I have shrunk from talking to you of any particular one: and I feel +pained and shocked, my beloved wife, to know that you are aware of that +lady's having once been very near, if not very dear, to me in the days +of my early youth." + +"Enough," said I, "enough! Forget that I know any thing which you wished +me not to know, and assure yourself that I will forget also." + +"You are a wise and good girl," he replied, kindly pressing the arm that +reposed in his: "but my little aunt is capable of making much mischief +between married persons, where the mind of the wife is weak, and her +temper suspicious." + +But how irritated I was against Lord Charles that evening! He forced +conversation with Pendarves whenever we passed him, and gave Lady Bell +an opportunity of fixing her dark eyes on him in a manner which having +once seen, I took care never to see again. I am sure it offended him as +much as it did me; for though Lady Bell was not absolutely excluded from +society, she was by no means a woman to be forced on the notice of any +man who had a virtuous wife leaning on his arm; and in returning her +bow, Pendarves had done all that civility required of him: but I am +convinced that Lord Charles wished to give me pain; and he was also in +hopes that I should resent the appearance of any acquaintance remaining +between the quondam lovers, and thereby occasion a coolness between my +husband and myself. + +This was the longest and the only painful evening I had ever passed at +Ranelagh; and from that moment I took such a dislike to it, that I was +very glad when the great heat of the weather made my usual companions at +such places substitute Vauxhall for Ranelagh. But at Vauxhall the same +lovely and unwelcome vision crossed my path; and I once overheard a +gentleman say, looking back at my husband, who had stopt to speak to +some ladies, "What a lucky fellow that Pendarves is! The two finest +women in the garden--aye, or in London, are his wife, and his quondam +mistress." The compliment to myself was deprived of its power to please +me, by these wounding words, my husband's "quondam mistress." And was +then that disgraceful connexion so well known? The thought was an +overwhelming one, and I began to resent my husband's having bowed to +this woman in my presence. But perhaps he was entreated to do so in +order to shield her reputation? If so, could he do otherwise? And as I +was always glad to find an excuse for Pendarves, I satisfied myself +thus, and my recent displeasure was forgotten. + +When we had extended the six weeks we meant to pass in London to two +months, I expressed a wish of returning into the country; and Seymour +complied with so little reluctance, that I prepared to return home with +a much lighter heart than I had expected ever to feel again. But +Mrs. Pendarves had a parting gift for me in her own way--a piece of +intelligence which clouded over the unexpected brilliancy of my home +prospects. + +"Well my dear niece," said she, "I am glad you are going, though I am +sorry to part with you; for I do not like Seymour's friend, Lord Charles +Belmour. He seems to me, my dear, to have, in the words of the poet, + + 'That low cunning which from fools supplies, + And aptly too, the means of being wise.' + +"And I have thought no good of him ever since I saw him come out of Lady +Bell Singleton's house with your husband." + +"What!" cried I, catching hold of a chair, for my strength seemed +suddenly to fail me, "does my husband visit Lady Bell?" + +"Yes, that once I am sure he did: but then I do not doubt but that Lord +Charles took him there; for I am told his great pleasure is to alienate +his married friends from their wives." + +Alas! from what a pinnacle of happiness and confidence did this foolish +woman cast me down in one moment! Reply I could not; and she went on to +give me one piece of advice, and that was, never, if I could help it, to +admit Lord Charles within my doors, and to discourage his intimacy with +my husband as much as I could. + +By this time I had a little recovered this overwhelming blow; and I +resolved in self-defence, and in defence of my husband's character, to +tell her I must believe she was mistaken in thinking she saw Pendarves +come out of Lady Bell's house; but whether that were true or false, I +must request her to keep such communications to herself in future, as a +wife was the last person whom any one should presume to inform of the +errors of her husband. But company came in; and soon after my uncle +drove up to the house in his travelling carriage, and in a few minutes +more they were both on the road to Cornwall. If Seymour, when he came +in, had found me alone with Mrs. Pendarves, he would have attributed the +strange abstraction of my manner to some information which she had given +me; but he now imputed it to the head-ach of which I complained; and +when my visitors went he urged me to go and lie down. + +This was unfortunate, as I should have disliked excessively to tell +him what his aunt had seen, and to let him observe how uneasy the +communication had made me; for I was aware that a wife whose jealousy is +so very apt to take alarm, is as troublesome to a husband as one whose +nerves are so weak that she goes into a fit at the slightest noise, and +starts at the mere shutting of a door. Still, my husband's ignorance of +the cause of my indisposition was a great trial to me; for it forced me +to have, for the first time, a secret from him. And he too, it seemed, +was keeping a secret from me; for, spite of my entreaties that he would +always tell me himself what it might grieve me to hear from others, he +had called on Lady Bell Singleton, without telling me that he had done +so! + +Alas! I did indeed lie down, and I did indeed darken my room; but it +was to hide my agitation and my tears: nor till Pendarves went out to +dinner, which, with some difficulty I prevailed on him to do, did I +suffer the light to penetrate into my apartments, or my swollen eye-lids +to be seen of any one. But then I rose; then, too, I rallied my spirits; +for, in the first place I was cheered by my husband's affectionate +unwillingness to leave me, and in the next I had nearly convinced myself +that Mrs. Pendarves had not seen him when she fancied she did. + +By this resolute endeavour to look only on the bright side, I was +enabled when my husband returned, which he did very early, to receive +him with unforced smiles and cheerfulness. + +The next day we set off immediately after breakfast on our journey +home; and I met my mother with a countenance so happy, that the look of +anxious inquiry with which she beheld me was immediately exchanged for +one of tearful joy. + +"Thank God! my dearest child," she fervently exclaimed, "that I see you +again, and see you thus!" + +Why had she looked so anxious, and so inquiringly? and why was she thus +so evidently surprised, as well as rejoiced? + +No doubt, thought I, she is in correspondence with our gossiping aunt, +and she has told my mother all she told me.--No doubt, also, she has all +along been that secret source whence was derived my mother's fear of +uniting me to Pendarves.--But then, was not her information derived from +her husband, and was it not always only too authentic? + +As these thoughts passed my mind, it was well for me that my mother was +talking to Seymour, and did not observe me. + +Two months had greatly embellished the appearance of our abode; and it +looked so green and gay, and was so fragrant from the summer flowers, +that Pendarves, always alive to present objects and present impressions, +exclaimed as we followed my mother through the grounds, "Dearest Helen! +why should we ever leave this paradise of sweets? Here let us live and +die!" + +"Agreed," said I; and my mother looked at us with delighted eyes, but +eyes that beamed through tears. + +Calm and tranquil were the months that followed--though my husband's +brow was always clouded when letters arrived bearing the London +post-mark; and when I asked who his correspondent was, he answered, +"Lord Charles;" but never communicated to me the contents of these +letters. + +In walking, riding, receiving and paying visits, passed the time till +September, when my husband had an invitation to spend a few days in +Norfolk, on a shooting excursion; and when he returned he found me +confined to my sofa with indisposition. Never had woman a tenderer nurse +than he proved himself during the three succeeding months: at the end of +that time I was quite recovered; and as he had business in London, he +declared his intention of going thither for some days, as he could not +bear, he said, to leave me some few months later, and when a time was +approaching so dear to his wishes and expectations. + +To London therefore he went, and left me to combat and indulge +alternately the fears of a jealous and the confidence of a tender wife. + +His letters became a study to me. I tried to find out by his expressions +in what state of mind he wrote. Sometimes I fancied them hurried, and +expressive of a mind not at ease with itself; then in another passage I +read the unembarrassed eloquence of faithful and confiding love. + +During his absence my mother found me a bad companion: I was for ever +falling into reverie, and a less penetrating eye than hers would have +discovered that my symptoms were those of mental uneasiness. + +At length he returned, and he gazed on my faded cheek and evidently +anxious countenance with such tender concern, that my care-worn brow +instantly resumed its wonted cheerfulness; and when my mother came to +welcome him, she was surprised at the alteration in my looks. + +"Foolish child!" said she in a faltering voice, when Pendarves left the +room, "Foolish child! to depend thus for happiness, nay health and life +itself perhaps, on one of frail and human mould! I see how it is with +you: you were ill and anxious yesterday, but he is come, and you need no +other physician." + +"Did you see much of Lord Charles?" said I the next day, looking +earnestly for my needle while I spoke, as I was conscious that my +countenance was not tranquil. + +"No--yes--on the whole I did. But why do you ask? I believe he is no +favourite of yours." + +"Certainly not." + +"But I hope, Helen, you are not so _very_ a wife as to wish me to give +up an old friend merely because he does not please you?" + +"No: I am not so unreasonable, even though I could give substantial +reasons for my dislike." + +"And pray what are these reasons? Oh! that reminds me of a joke Lord +Charles has against you, Helen. He tells me he is sure you thought that +he fell in love with you when, on being first presented to you, he +expressed his admiration in his usual frank way, which means nothing; +for he says your prudery took alarm, and you drew up your beautiful +neck to its utmost height, and have My lorded and Your lordship'd him +ever since into the most awful distance." + +"True; but for a manner that means nothing, I never saw a manner more +offensive to a modest wife. However, I am very glad he has been so +clear-sighted as to my motives; for I wish him to know that I do not +love such marked homage from him, or any other friend of yours, even in +a joke." + +"You are piqued, Helen." + +"I am." + +"Perhaps you wish me to call Lord Charles out? But indeed were I to call +out all the men who look at you with admiring eyes, I should soon sleep +with my fathers, or send numbers to sleep with theirs. No, no, excuse +me, Helen. I will not quarrel with Lord Charles; for even if the fire +ever was kindled, your snow has now completely extinguished it; and I do +assure you he is a very good fellow, though odd, and not always +pleasant." + +"Is he paying his court to that Lady Bell?" said I, speaking her name +with difficulty, and preceding it with an impertinent, _that_. + +"I really--I--cannot say positively. But that Lady Bell, as you +emphatically call her, has quarrelled with that fine young man whom you +saw at Ranelagh, and perhaps it is on his account." + +I said no more; for I saw his colour heighten, and that his manner was +hurried: and I tried to believe that the quarrel was wholly on Lord +Charles Belmour's account. + +I now however took myself seriously to task; for was I not violating a +wife's duty in trying to find errors in the conduct of my husband? and +was I not by so doing endangering my own peace of mind, my health, and +consequently, in my situation, my life? Was I not also depressing those +spirits, and weakening those powers of exertion which ought to make home +agreeable and alluring to the dear object of my weak solicitude? + +The result of this severe self-examination was, that I resolutely +determined to turn away from every anxious and jealous suggestion, to +believe as long as I could, that my husband was as deserving of my +love and confidence when absent as he was when present, and to make a +vigorous effort to stop myself on my way to being a fretful, jealous, +and miserable wife. + +Nor did I break my resolution, as you well know, my dear friend; for, if +I had, you would never have even fancied that I deserved to be exhibited +as an example of a wife's duty. But if I had not begun to school myself +when I did, all would have been over with me. + +I cannot help observing here, that this painful jealousy, which I +endured so early in my married life, was owing to my having, in despite +of my mother's wise prohibition, united myself to a man of the steadiness +of whose principles I had had too much reason to doubt; and I could not +help saying to myself sometimes,--"If I had married De Walden, I should +have had none of these misgivings." + +As the hour of my confinement drew nearer and nearer, Seymour's tender +attentions increased; and at length, after severe suffering I became a +mother; but scarcely had I been allowed to gaze upon my child, scarcely +had I heard its first faint cry,--that sound which thrills so powerfully +through the heart,--when its voice was stopt by death, and it closed its +eyes for ever. + +I am afraid I should have borne this affliction very ill, had I not been +obliged to exert myself to quiet the fears of my husband and my mother +for my life, as they thought that the shock might be fatal. + +I had also to console them; for they were both grieved and disappointed. +But their feelings were transitory; mine were still in full force when +they believed they were forgotten: for, besides the sorrow I felt for +the loss of that being whose helpless cry still vibrated in my ears, I +felt that I had lost in it a strong cement to the tie which bound my +husband to me. Nor till I found myself again likely to become a mother +was I really consoled. + +A circumstance happened which induced me to conceal my situation; and +this was an invitation which my mother received from the Count De +Walden, to accompany his sister, and her husband back to Switzerland +when they left England, which they were then visiting, and to stay some +months with him and Ferdinand De Walden. + +This invitation I well knew she would refuse, if she knew that accepting +it would prevent her being with me during my period of suffering; and I +allowed her to depart for Switzerland, with the expectation of returning +time enough to attend on me. + +I own that this was a great trial to my selfishness, as I knew I should +miss her greatly: but I thought the excursion would be so pleasing a +one to her, that I felt it my duty to make the sacrifice. I suffered my +husband to remain in ignorance also, lest he should betray me to her: +and I had judged rightly; for when I owned the truth to him, it was with +great difficulty I could prevail on him not to write, and say I had +deceived her. + +Alas! I had but too much reason to regret even this deception, which +might be called a virtuous one. + +It so happened that I had no married friend, or near relation, who could +come to be with me at that time; and as Pendarves wished me to have a +female companion, I was induced to accept the eagerly proffered services +of a young lady, the eldest daughter of a numerous family, who had +conceived a great attachment to my husband and me, and was very +solicitous to be with me during my confinement. + +This girl had such a warm and open manner, that I fancied her one of the +most artless of human beings; and I was so weak as to consider the gross +flattery which she lavished on me and on Pendarves, as the honest +overflowings of an affectionate heart. + +I was, I own, a little startled when she used to kiss my husband's +picture as it lay on my table, when she became my guest, and when I +saw her come behind him, and cut off a lock of his hair, but as she +afterwards begged for a piece of mine, that she might unite them in a +locket, I considered this little circumstance as nothing but a flight +of girlish romance. + +What Pendarves thought of it I know not; but he blushed excessively when +he saw that I observed it, and tried to take the hair from her; on which +a sort of romping ensued, that I thought vulgar, I own; but it called +forth no other feeling. + +Perhaps had she been handsome I should not have been so easy; but she +was in my eyes plain and could scarcely, I thought, be called a fine +girl. Besides, I had heard Seymour say she was dowdy and awkward. But +few men are proof against the flatteries and attentions of any woman +who is not old and ugly; and I soon found, though without any jealous +fear, that Charlotte Jermyn had power to amuse my husband, and that her +enthusiastic admiration of every thing which she liked was a source of +never-failing entertainment to him. + +He now was sufficiently intimate with her, he thought, to venture +to hint the necessity of a reform in her dress; and she wore better +clothes, became clean, if not neat, and in time she even learnt to look +rather tidy; while Pendarves was flattered to see the effect of his +admonitions, and used to reward her by challenging her to a long walk. + +At length, after I had been confined to my sofa some weeks, I had the +happiness of giving birth to a daughter; and my young nurse was most +kind and assiduous in her attendance upon me; indeed, so much so that +she often shortened my husband's visits, on the kind plea that I was +not yet strong enough to bear long ones from one so dear; and I, though +reluctantly, dismissed him. + +But I soon observed that her own visits became very short; that she +used still to kiss me, and call me "dearest creature!" and tell me how +beautiful I looked in my night-cap: but now, when I asked for her I was +told that she was gone out with Pendarves. And once, as he was standing +by my bedside, she was not contented with saying he had been with me +long enough, but she linked her arm in his, and dragged him away in a +manner at once hoydenish and familiar. + +I also saw that though she loaded my sweet baby with caresses when he +was present, and tried to take her from him, she scarcely noticed it +when he was absent. + +Still I felt no distrust, because I had confidence in my husband's +honour and affection. But I now saw that the countenances of my nurse +and my maid, when I inquired for Miss Jermyn, used to assume an angry +expression; and once my maid, muttered, that she supposed she was with +her master, for he could not stir but she was after him. + +This I did not seem to hear; but it made me thoughtful. + +When I had been confined three weeks, I was able to leave my chamber +for my dressing-room, which overlooked the garden; and one day, as I +ventured to the window for the first time, I saw Charlotte Jermyn +walking with my husband, and ever and anon hanging on his arm, almost +leaning her head against him occasionally, and looking up in his face +(he the while reading a book) with an expression of fondness which +alarmed and disgusted me. I then saw her snatch the book from him; and +as he tried to regain it, a great romping match ensued, and lasted till +they ran out of my sight, and left me pale, motionless, and miserable. +For I found that I had been exposing my husband to the allurements of a +coquettish romp; and though I acquitted both him and her of aught that +was wrong, I still felt that no prudent wife would place the man she +loved in such a situation. + +Many, many a wife, it is well known, has had to rue the hour when at +a period like this she has introduced into her family a young and +seemingly attached friend. + +What was to be done? I saw that the servants were aware of what was +passing, and they would not judge with the candour that I did. + +I therefore convinced myself that regard for my husband's reputation, +and not jealousy, determined me to get down stairs and out again as fast +as possible, in order that I might make some excuse for sending my +dangerous attendant away, or at least be a guard over her conduct. + +But, to my great surprise and joy, my beloved mother arrived most +unexpectedly that morning; for I had insisted on her not returning +sooner on my account, as I was so well. However, she did come; and I +received her with rapture for more reasons than one; for now I had an +excuse for sending Miss Jermyn away directly, as I wanted the best room +for my mother. + +Accordingly, I told her that in two day's time my mother would take up +her abode with us for a few weeks; and that as Mrs. Jermyn had long been +desirous of her return, I hoped she would hold herself in readiness to +set off for home on the next day but one, as my mother always slept in +the room which _she_ occupied. + +"O dearest Mrs. Seymour! do not send me away from you," cried the +strange girl, clasping and wringing her hands, "or I shall die with +grief; for I shall think you do not love me, and I shall never survive +it!" + +The time for my belief in such rhodomontade was now happily past, and I +coolly replied, "that in no other but the best and most convenient room +in the house could I allow my mother to sleep; therefore she must go." + +"Why so, Mrs. Seymour? I can sleep any where. There is a press bed in +the little room; and I care not where I sleep, so I am but permitted to +stay." + +Here she attempted to throw her arms fondly round me, while she repeated, +"Do, there's a sweet woman, do let me stay!" + +"Impossible!" I replied, disengaging myself with a look of aversion from +her embrace. On which she started up and exclaimed, + +"I am sure some one has been telling you stories of me, and you are set +against me!" + +"There is no one in this house, Miss Jermyn, who would presume to say +any thing to me against any guest of mine." + +"And pray, does Mr. Pendarves know I am to be sent away at a moment's +warning?" + +"He does not yet know that you are going away at two day's notice, to +make room for my mother, and that I may enjoy her society, after a long +absence, uninterrupted." + +"Oh! if that be all, I will promise never to interrupt your +_tete-a-tetes_." + +"They will not be _tete-a-tetes_: my husband will be of our party." + +"And pray," answered she with great sullenness, "how am I to go home? I +am sure Mr. Pendarves will not approve of my going home in the stage +without a protector." + +"Nor would his wife: and I will settle the mode of conveyance with him." + +"Oh! if I must go, I will see if I cannot settle that myself." + +At this moment my mother entered the room, and with her my husband; and +Miss, to hide her disordered countenance, abruptly disappeared. + +"What is the matter with Miss Jermyn?" said Seymour: and I told him, but +in a voice that was not as assured as I wished it to be. + +"So soon!" cried he, starting. "Is it not too sudden? Will it not look +as if she was sent away in a hurry?" + +"Sent away in a hurry!" exclaimed my mother, looking earnestly in his +face. "Why should any one suspect that?" + +"Oh, dear! No one ought, certainly; but after her having staid so +long--However, I think she has been here long enough, and the sooner she +goes the better." + +"Then, as you think thus, and her mother has long wished for her, her +departure shall remain fixed for the day after to-morrow, and"--Here I +was interrupted by Seymour's being called out of the room: he did not +return for some minutes; when he did, he seemed disturbed. + +During his absence the nurse brought me my child; and both my mother and +myself were too agreeably engaged with her to talk of Charlotte Jermyn. +But Seymour's evident abstraction and uneasy countenance drew my +mother's attention to him; and after a moment's thought she said, "That +seems a very strange presuming girl, Seymour; and I really think with +you it is time she were gone." + +"Oh, yes, certainly! and she is very willing to go." + +"So much the better," replied my mother; while I suppressed, for fear +of alarming her suspicions, the "How do you know that?" which was on my +lips; for, if her feelings were so changed, he must have changed them; +and she it was who had desired him to be called out of the room. + +Seymour's horses now came to the door; but before he left us I begged to +know how he meant Miss Jermyn should travel. + +"She came," said I, "in the coach which passes our gate; but then her +mother's maid came with her, and I cannot spare a servant to attend +her." + +"I can drive her home in my curricle: if we set off at five in the +morning, we can perform the journey with ease before dark." + +Pendarves said this in a hurried conscious manner, which did not escape +the quick eye of my mother; and while I hesitated how I could best +word my decided objection to this plan, which would I knew excite +disagreeable observations amongst the servants, that ever watchful +friend replied, "Hear my plan, which is far better than yours. The +mornings are yet dark and cold at five: lend me your horses for my +chariot; and as I want to visit a friend of De Walden's, who lives +half way to Mr. Jermyn's, with whom I have business, I will take this +opportunity of going. My maid shall accompany us, and while I stay at +Mr. Dumont's she shall see Miss Jermyn safe to her father's." + +"Well, if Miss Jermyn likes this plan." + +"She would prefer going with you, no doubt," said I smiling; "but as +this plan will be a convenience to my mother, we need not consult her +wishes." + +"O no! very true, very true," said he in a fluttered tone (_but not +owning that he had promised to drive her_): "and when I return from my +ride, I shall expect to find you have arranged every thing with her." + +He then ran down stairs and galloped off, as if to avoid speaking to +Charlotte; for I saw her from the window run along the path to the road, +to catch his eye if she could, and give him a signal to stop and speak +to her. + +Soon after she joined us; and I thought I saw a triumphant meaning on +her countenance, which increased to a look of almost avowed exultation, +when, on my saying, "Now let us tell you how we have arranged matters +for your journey," she eagerly interrupted me, and exclaimed, "Oh! I +have arranged that with Mr. Pendarves, and he is to drive me in his +curricle." + +I did not answer her, for her look disconcerted me; but my mother did, +coldly saying, "Mr. Pendarves did mean to do so, but for my convenience +he has changed his plan." + +She then went on to inform her what the new plan was; and the mortified +indignant girl burst into tears, and left the room. + +"That is a very self-willed, pernicious young person, I suspect," +observed my mother: "but I flatter myself that her journey with me will +do her some good; at least, if it does not, it shall not be my fault." + +Then, being too wise and too delicate to say more, she changed the +subject: nor was any allusion made to Miss Jermyn till Seymour returned +on foot; for he left his horse at the stables; and as he saw us in the +drawing-room, which was on the ground floor, he came in at the window, +being impatient, he said, to welcome me down stairs. + +But he had probably another reason for that mode of entrance. He feared, +I suspect, that Charlotte Jermyn would want to speak to him, and he was +not disposed to listen to her reproaches for having given up his design +of driving her home. + +My suspicions were confirmed by my seeing her walking along the path +which commanded the approach to the house, and this path Seymour had +avoided by going to the stables: but she did not long remain there, for +on looking towards the house she saw my husband standing at the window +with me, with one arm round my waist, while with his other hand he was +stroking the cheek of the child which I held to my bosom, and was +rocking to rest. + +Happy as I was at this moment, I could not help throwing a hasty glance +towards this strange girl, who now rapidly drew near; and as she passed +the window curtsied to us, with a countenance in which every unamiable +feeling seemed to be uppermost. + +She then threw open the hall door with violence, threw it to with the +same force, then ran to her own chamber, and closed the door of that +with such energy that it could be heard all over the house. Nor did we +see her again till dinner, when, though she had taken uncommon pains +with her dress, her eyes were swelled with crying, and her whole +appearance so indicative of gentle sorrow that Seymour's voice softened +even into tenderness when he addressed her, and mine was consequently +as strikingly cold and severe. Meanwhile, my mother was a silent but an +observant spectator; and both Pendarves and Miss Jermyn seemed oppressed +by the penetrating glance of her eye. + +In the evening Seymour proposed reading to us aloud; and as I wished to +sit up late for reasons you may easily guess, I was glad of so good an +excuse as staying to hear an interesting book would be: but I had reason +to repent having allowed feeling to prevail over prudence: for when +my mother came to me the next day she found I had caught cold, and, +together with the fatigue of sitting up too late, was in no condition +to go down that day at all. Nor could my mother bear to leave me: +consequently, I had the mortification of finding that in trying to avoid +a slight evil I had fallen into a greater. But my mother, who had, I +doubt not, heard from her maid what the servants had observed, requested +Miss Jermyn would be so kind as to sit with us, and teach her two sorts +of work which she excelled in; and she could not without great incivility +refuse compliance. However, at the hour when she was accustomed to +walk with Seymour, she started up, declaring she could stay no longer, +because it was her last day there, and she was sure Mr. Pendarves would +walk with her. We could not object to this on any proper ground; and she +was putting her knitting and netting into her work bag, when we heard a +carriage drive to the door, and a servant came up to inform me that Lord +Charles Belmour was below, and his master desired him to say he meant to +dine with us. + +Little did I think that Lord Charles would ever be a welcome guest to +me; but at this moment he was so, for I saw that Charlotte Jermyn looked +disappointed. My joy however vanished when I recollected that it was by +no means desirable Lord Charles should witness this indiscreet girl's +evident attachment to Pendarves; and just before she went to her own +apartment, my mother said, to my great relief, "You must then dine with +us to-day, Miss Jermyn; for you are too young and too old at the same +time to be the only female at a table where Lord Charles Belmour is." + +"Well, if I _must_, I must," was her reply; and she left us. + +But while I was rejoicing that circumstances would force her to dine +with us, I heard her rapidly ascending the stairs; and throwing open the +door hastily, she told us, with a look of delight, that she was going +to walk; for Lord Charles had brought his sister Lady Harriet with +him, whom he was conveying home from school for the holidays, and Mr. +Pendarves had told her she must do the honours to the young lady as I +was not able to attend her. "And so," she added, "I must also dine +below, for he told me so." And without waiting for our opinion or reply, +she again disappeared, and we soon after saw her laughing with Lord +Charles on the lawn, as if she had known him for years. + +"How he will show her off," said my mother, "to-day! That young man has +more ingenuous malignity about him than any one I ever saw. When I was +nursing Seymour at Oxford, he came to see him; and in order to make the +poor invalid laugh, he used to make masters, deans, and fellow-commoners +pass in rapid succession before us, like the distorted figures in a +magic lantern." + +This view of what was likely to happen was a relief to my mind; for I +had not expected that Lord Charles would try to draw her forth for his +own amusement; I had feared he would be contented to amuse himself with +observing her admiration of Pendarves. + +When they returned from their walk, I was vexed to observe that Lady +Harriet held her brother's arm, not my husband's; and I also saw that +Charlotte leaned on him, and looked up in his face in the same improper +manner as she did when they were alone. I was very glad that Lord +Charles and his sister walked before them. + +Pendarves now came up stairs to beg, as I was not able to dine below, or +see Lord Charles otherwise, that I would go to the window and kiss my +hand to him in token of welcome; for that he was afraid to stay, because +he believed he was a disagreeable guest, and that I kept up stairs +merely because he was come. He also begged that I would after dinner +admit Lady Harriet for a few minutes. + +I promised compliance with both these requests, and went to the window +directly. + +Lord Charles answered my really cordial salutation with a most lowly +bow, and a countenance meant to express every thing that was respectful +and courteous, and drew from my mother, to whom he also bowed, the +observation of "Graceful coxcomb!" Now do I fancy him saying within +himself, 'There, I have made that haughty old woman believe that I +respect her and her loftiness to her heart's content.' + +Pendarves could not help smiling at this right reading, as it probably +was, of his satirical friend's thoughts: but he assured her that +admiration the most unbounded was, as well as respect, felt by his +friend towards her; and that he considered a woman of her age as in the +prime of her charms. + +"Nonsense!" cried my mother; and my husband, laughing, returned to Lord +Charles. + +Charlotte Jermyn did not come to us before she went down to dinner, as +she had Lady Harriet with her; but, when they left the dinner-room, I +desired to see them in mine: and for the first time I thought her +pretty; for her cheeks glowed with a very brilliant and becoming +colour, which added to the fire of her eyes; and her dress was neat +and lady-like. She had the countenance, too, of one who had been much +commended, and felt certain that the commendations were sincere. + +"I am glad she is going to-morrow," said I mentally, and I sighed at the +same time. Lady Harriet was a good foil to her, except in manners: for +there could be no comparison: and by the side of Lady Harriet, Miss +Jermyn was pretty. + +As soon as they had had coffee the brother and sister drove off, but not +before Lord Charles had fixed to return that day fortnight to dinner, on +condition of my dining below. + +When they were gone my mother went down to make the tea; and after that +meal was ended she asked if there was any objection to Seymour's going +on in my dressing-room with the book which he began the night before, +and in his reading till it was time for me to go to rest. + +He complied instantly, and read till I was tired. + +My mother then proposed that he should read me to sleep: to this also he +agreed, and while I lay with the curtains closed round, my mother, he +and Charlotte sat round the fire; and it was eleven before I ceased to +hear, and Pendarves retired to his own chamber. + +My mother then went away, desiring Charlotte to be ready at six, as she +should breakfast with her at that hour. But, as I afterwards found, she +reached our house on foot before six, and just as Pendarves came down +stairs. + +By these apparently undesigned circumstances my mother prevented any +scene that might have called forth unpleasant observations in the +family; but, she could not prevent a most sorrowful parting on the side +of the young lady. She wept, she sobbed, she leaned against Seymour's +shoulder when he put his lips to her cheek; and he was nearly obliged to +carry her to the carriage; for she declared she would not go till she +had taken leave of me: but my mother was as positive that I should not +be disturbed, and Pendarves gently forced her to the door. + +What passed between my mother and her when they were on the journey and +alone,--for the maid always preferred travelling outside,--I do not +know: but I suspect that she animadverted on her conduct and want of +self-control in a manner more judicious than pleasant. + +During these vexatious occurrences I must own that it was a sort of +comfort to me, that my aunt Pendarves had such inflamed eyes that she +could not write; for otherwise the chances were that she might hear +some exaggerated accounts of our visitor's conduct, and might think it +necessary to address one of us on the subject, and give us good advice. + +Well: this pernicious girl was gone, and my mind at ease again. Still, +I feared that she had done me a serious injury: not that I believed she +had alienated my husband's heart from me, or from propriety; but she +had been the first person to accustom him to find amusement at home +independent of me and of the exertion of my talents. He was an indolent +man, and she had amused him, and beguiled away his hours, without +obliging him to any exertion of mind. Besides, she was not only a new +companion, but a new conquest. He was certainly flattered by it, and +evidently interested. I was led to draw these conclusions by observing +the gapish state into which Pendarves fell the day after her departure. + +He seemed to miss an accustomed dram. He gave me indeed, on my +requesting it, a lesson in Spanish, which I had long neglected; but he +seemed to do it as if it was a trouble, and he was too absent to make +the lesson of much use. I however forbore to remark what I could not but +painfully feel, and I fancied that my best plan would be to contrive +some new objects of interest at home, if I could: but on second thoughts +I resolved to propose that he should visit a sick friend of his at +Malvern hills, for a few days, as I believed it not to be for my +interest he should stay to contrast his present with his late home; but +that he should go away to return from an invalid and the cold hills of +Malvern, to me and his own comfortable dwelling. + +I no sooner named my plan to him than he eagerly caught at it, declaring +that he wished to go, but feared that I should think the wish unkind. +Accordingly, he only staid to see my mother comfortably settled as my +guest, and then set off for Malvern. Nor did he return till three or +four days before he expected Lord Charles. By that time I had recovered +my bloom and my strength, and our infant had acquired a fortnight's +growth,--an interesting event in the life of a young parent; and I +assure you it was thought such by Pendarves: and while he complimented +me on my restored comeliness, and held his little Helen in his arms, I +felt that he had no thought or wish beyond those whom he clasped and +looked upon. + +I could now join him again in his walks, and in his rides or drives. + +My mother threw a great charm over our evenings by her descriptions of +the country which she had so lately seen, and of the scientific men with +whom she had associated. But Seymour and I both fancied that she was +rather reserved and embarrassed when she talked of Count De Walden. Nor +could I help being desirous of finding out the reason. One day I told +her how sorry I was to think that she shortened her agreeable visit +entirely on my account; but, as if thrown off her guard, she eagerly +replied, "Oh, no! I was very glad of an excuse for coming away;" and +this was followed by such manifest confusion of countenance and manner, +that I suspected the reason, and at last I prevailed on her to confess +it. + +The truth was that Count De Walden, who had admired her in America, when +she was a wife, as much as an honourable man can admire the wife of +another, could not live in the same house with a woman still lovely, and +even more than ever intellectual and agreeable, without feeling for her +a very sincere affection; and as their ages were suitable, he made her +proposals of marriage of the most advantageous and generous nature. But +my mother could not love again: and though at her time of life, and that +of her lover, she thought that mutual esteem and the wish to secure a +companion for declining years was a sufficient excuse for a second +marriage; still, she had an unconquerable aversion to form any connexion, +and more especially one which would remove her to such a distance from +me. When she told me how strongly she had been solicited, and that the +advantages which she should ultimately secure to me by this union were +held up to her in so seducing a light, as nearly once to overset her +resolution, I was so overcome by the thought of the escape which I had +had, that I threw my arms round her, and bursting into an agony of tears +exclaimed, "What could have ever made me amends for losing you? The very +idea of it kills me." + +My mother was excessively affected when I said this; but I soon saw that +her tears were not tears of tenderness alone; and looking at me with an +expression of sadness on her countenance, she said, "Two years ago, my +poor child, you would have better borne the idea of such a separation; +and had I been a jealous person I should have been hurt to see how +completely a husband can supersede even a mother. But I was pleased to +see this, because I saw in it a proof that you were a happy wife: but +perhaps you have now an idea, though still a happy wife I trust, of the +great value of a parent, and can appreciate more justly that love which +nothing can ever alienate, or ever render less." + +What could I answer her, and how? + +I did not attempt to speak, but I continued to hold her in my arms, and +at last I could utter, "No, no, I never, never can bear to part with +you." + +That day Lord Charles Belmour came, according to his promise, and just +as I had convinced myself that it was my duty to overcome my dislike +to him, and to endeavour to convert him from an enemy into a friend. +Accordingly, I went down to dinner prepared to receive him with even +smiles; but recollecting, when I saw him, his impudent assertion, that +his admiration of me meant nothing, and that I was an alarmed prude, my +usual coldness came over me, while the deepest blushes dyed my cheeks. + +However, I extended my hand to him, which he kissed and pressed; and as +he relinquished it he turned up his eyes and muttered "Angelic woman!" +in a manner so equivocal, that, consistent as it seemed with "his joke +against me," I could not help giving way to evident laughter. + +Lord Charles was too quick of apprehension to be affronted at my mirth; +on the contrary he felt assured and flattered by it. He had expressed +his admiration only in derision and impertinence, and as he saw that I +understood him, he felt we were much nearer being friends than we had +ever been before; and when our eyes met, a look almost amounting to one +of kindness passed between us. Lord Charles now became particularly +animated; but some allusion which he made to Lady Bell Singleton, while +addressing my husband, made me distrustful again, and I relapsed into +my usual manner; and he was My Lord and Your Lordship, during the rest +of the dinner. Nor could I be insensible to the look of menace which I +subsequently beheld in his countenance. It was not long before the storm +burst on my devoted head. + +"My dear madam," said he in his most affected manner, "you are a +prodigiously kind and obliging help-mate, to provide your _caro sposo_ +with so charming a _locum tenens_ when you are confined to your +apartments. I found my friend here with the prettiest young creature for +a companion! and then so loving she was!" + +"Loving!" said I involuntarily. + +"Oh, yes. Allow me to give you an idea of her." Immediately, to the +great annoyance of my husband, with all his powers of mimickry, he +exhibited the manner and look of Charlotte Jermyn, when looking up in +Seymour's face, and leaning against his arm, as I had myself seen her +do. + +"Is not that like her?" + +"Very," replied I forcing a laugh. + +"Now shall I mimick your husband, and show you how _he_ looked in +return? Shall I paint the bashful but delighted consciousness which his +look expressed--the stolen glance, the--" + +"Hush, hush!" cried Pendarves, anger struggling with confusion. "This is +fancy painting, and I like nothing but portraits." + +During this time I observed a struggle in my mother's breast, and I sat +in terror lest she should say something severe to the noble mimick, and +make matters worse. + +But after this evident struggle, which I alone observed, she leaned her +arms on the table, and fixed her powerful eyes steadfastly on Lord +Charles, looking at him as if she would have dived into the inmost +recesses of his heart. + +It was in vain that he endeavoured to escape their searching glance; +even his assurance felt abashed, and his malignant spirit awed, till his +audacious and ill-intentioned banter was looked into silence, and he +asked for another bumper of claret to drink my health. I was before +overpowered with gratitude to the judicious yet quiet interference of +this admirable parent, and the recollection of our morning's conversation +was still present to me. No wonder, therefore, that my spirits were +easily affected, and that I felt my eyes fill with tears. + +At this moment I luckily heard my child cry; and faltering out, "Hark! +that was my child's voice," I hastened to the door; but unfortunately +the pocket-hole of my muslin gown caught in the arm of my mother's +chair, and Lord Charles insisted on extricating me. + +I could now no longer prevent the tears from flowing down my cheeks; +which being perceived by him, he said, in a sort of undertone, "Amiable +sensibility! There I see a mother's feelings!" On which my mother, +provoked beyond endurance, said, in a low voice, but I overheard it, "My +lord, my daughter has a wife's feelings also." + +I was now disengaged happily, and I ran out of the room. + +When I arrived in the nursery I found I was not wanted. I therefore +retired to my own apartment, where I gave way to a violent burst of +tears. I had scarcely recovered myself, and had bathed my eyes again and +again in rose water, when my husband entered the room. + +He had witnessed my emotion, and he could not be easy without coming to +inquire after me, on pretence that the child's cry had alarmed him. + +This affectionate attention was not lost upon me, and I went down stairs +with him with restored spirits, and in perfect composure. + +My mother, who had walked to her own house, was only just entering the +door as we appeared; therefore Lord Charles had been left alone; and +whether he thought this an affront to his dignity or not, I cannot tell; +but we did not find him in a more amiable mood than when we left him. + +After looking at me very earnestly, while sipping his coffee, he came +close up to me, and said, resuming his most affected tone, "Pray! what +eye-water do you use?" + +"Rose water only," was my reply. + +"Very bad, 'pon honour; I must send you some of mine, as you are a +person of exquisite sensibility, and I fancy it is likely to be tried. +Upon my word, it took me a week to compose it; and as I occasionally +read novels, and the _Tete-a-tete Magazine_, (which is, you know, +exceedingly affecting), I use it continually in order to preserve the +lustre of my eyes; and you see that in spite of my acute feelings they +retain all their pristine brilliancy." + +As he said this, neither Pendarves nor myself, though provoked at his +noticing my swelled eyes, could retain our gravity; for the eyes, which +he had thus opened to their utmost extent, were of that description +known by the name of boiled gooseberries, and were really dead eyes, +except when the rays of satirical intelligence forced themselves through +them: for the sake of exciting a laugh, he had now dismissed from them +every trace of meaning, and consequently every tint of colour. + +His purpose effected, he resumed his sarcastic expression; and turning +from me with a look full of sarcastic meaning, he said, "Ah! _comme de +coutume_--after tragedy comes farce." + +My mother now asked him whether he had ever seen her house and garden; +and on his answering in the negative, she challenged him to take a walk +with her. + +"I never," replied he, bowing very low, "refused the challenge of a fine +woman in my life; and till my horses come round, I am at your service, +madam." Then, hiding his real chagrin under a thousand impertinent +grimaces, he followed my mother. + +"I would give something to hear their conversation," said Pendarves, +thoughtfully. + +"And so would I: no doubt it will be monitory on her part." + +"Monitory! What for?" + +"If you do not know, I am sure I shall not tell you." + +And with an expression of conscious embarrassment on his countenance, +my husband asked me to walk with him round the shrubbery. + +My mother and Lord Charles did not return till the carriage was driving +up. We examined their countenances with a very scrutinizing eye; but on +my mother's all we could distinguish was her usual expression of placid +and dignified intelligence; that of Lord Charles exhibited its usual +_cattish_ and alarming look. + +What had passed, therefore, we could not guess; but we saw very clearly, +that we should not be justified in joking on the subject of their +_tete-a-tete_; and simply saying that it was beyond the time fixed for +his departure, Lord Charles now respectfully kissed my hand, and told +Pendarves he hoped he should soon see him in London. He then left the +room without taking the smallest notice of my mother, and was driving +off before my husband could ask him a reason of conduct so strange. + +"Pray, madam," said Pendarves, when he returned into the room, "did Lord +Charles take leave of you?" + +"He did not." + +"Then I solemnly declare that before we ever meet again he shall give me +a sufficient reason for his impertinence, or apologize to you; for there +lives not the being who shall dare, while I live, to affront you with +impunity." + +"My dear, dear son," cried my mother, "look not so like, so _very_ +like--" + +Here her voice failed her, and she leant on Seymour's shoulder, while he +affectionately embraced her. Dear to my heart were any tokens of love +which passed between my mother and my husband. + +Seymour's strong likeness to my father in moments of great excitement +always affected her thus, and endeared him to her. + +When my mother recovered herself, she desired Pendarves would remain +quiet, and not trouble himself to revenge her quarrels. + +"Indeed," said she, "I am much flattered, and not affronted, by the +rudeness of Lord Charles, as it proves that what I said to him gave him +the pain which I intended. The wound therefore will rankle for some +time, and produce a good effect. Nor should I be surprised if he were to +send me a letter of apology in a day or two; for, if I read him aright, +he has understanding enough to value the good opinion of a respectable +woman, and would rather be on amicable terms with me than not." + +"I hope you are right," replied Pendarves; "for I do not wish to quarrel +with him: yet I will never own as my friend the man who fails in respect +to you." + +"I thank you, my dear son," said my mother with great feeling, and the +evening passed in the most delightful and intimate communion. Nor I +really believe, were Charlotte Jermyn or Lord Charles again remembered. +So true is it, that when the tide of family affection runs smooth and +unbroken, it bears the bark of happiness securely on its bosom. + +Shortly after Lord Charles's visit I was so unwell, that I was +forbidden to nurse my child any longer, and I had to endure the painful +trial of weaning and surrendering her to the bosom of another. But most +evils in this life, even to our mortal vision, are attended with a +counter-balancing good. + +At this time it was the height of the gay season in London, and I saw +that my husband began to grow tired of home, and sigh for the busy +scenes of the metropolis, whither, had I been still a nurse, I could not +have accompanied him: but now, however unwilling I might be to leave my +infant, I felt that it must not interfere with the duty which I owed its +father; for my mother had often said, and my own observation confirmed +the truth of the saying, that alienation between husband and wife has +often originated in the woman's losing sight of the duty and attention +she owes the father of her children, in exclusive fondness and attention +to the children themselves, and she often warned me against falling into +this error. + +She therefore highly approved my intention to leave my babe under her +care, and accompany Pendarves to London, where she well knew he was +exposed to temptations and to dangers against which my presence might +probably secure him. + +"Yes: my child!" said she, as if thinking aloud, for I am sure she did +not intend to grieve me, "Yes, go with your husband while you can, and +have as few separate pleasures and divided hours as possible; for they +lead to divided hearts. But if you have a large family you will not be +able to leave home. Go therefore while you can, and while I am with +you, and turn me to account while I am still here to serve you. That +time I know will be short enough!" + +It is not in the power of language to convey an adequate idea of the +agony with which I listened to these words. Never before had my mother +so pointedly alluded to her conviction that her health was decaying; and +if the idea of separation from her by a happy marriage was so painful to +my feelings, what must be the idea of that terrible and eternal +separation? + +Pendarves came in in the midst of my distress and almost fiercely +demanded who had been so cruelly afflicting me, fearing, no doubt, that +I had heard something concerning him, and naturally enough conceiving +that no great grief could reach me, except through that or from him. + +My mother gently replied, "She has been afflicting herself, foolish +child! I said, unwillingly I allow, what might have prepared her for an +unavoidable evil; but she chooses to fancy, poor thing! that I am not +mortal: yet, see here, Seymour!" As she said this she turned up her long +loose sleeves, and showed him her once fine arm fallen away +comparatively to nothing! + +I never saw my husband much more affected: he seized that faded arm, +and, pressing it repeatedly to his lips, turned away and burst into +tears--then folding us in one embrace he faltered out, "My poor Helen! +Well indeed might I find you thus!" But my mother solemnly promised that +she would never so afflict me again. + +In the midst of this scene a letter was brought to my mother. It was +from Lord Charles, and was so like the man, that I shall transcribe it. + + "Madam, + + "I doubt not but you were amazed, and probably offended, at my + quitting the house of your son-in-law without taking leave of + you, as you are not a woman likely to think my silence at the + moment of parting from you was to be attributed to the + tender passion which I had conceived for your beauty and + accomplishments. But, madam, if my silence was not attributable + to love, so neither was it caused by hate; and I beg leave, hat + in hand, and on bended knee, to explain whence my conduct + proceeded. In the first place, madam, you had given me a blow, a + stunning blow; and after a man has been stunned, he does not soon + recover himself sufficiently to know what he is about, and how he + ought to behave. In the next place, I endeavoured to remember how + the great Earl of Essex behaved when Queen Elizabeth gave him a + blow, or in other words a box on the ear (for blow I need not + tell a lady of your erudition is the _genus_, and box on the ear + the _species_). Now that noble Earl did not return the blow + (which I own I was very much inclined to do), but he departed in + silence from her presence, I believe; and so _I_ in imitation of + _him_ from yours. Methinks I hear you exclaim 'The little lord is + mad! I gave him no blow.' Not with your hand, I own; but with + your tongue, 'that unruly member,' as St. James so justly calls + it; you gave me a tingling blow on the cheek of my mind, which + it still feels, and for which perhaps it may be the better. It is + this consideration, and the belief that your motives were kind, + though your treatment was rough, and that you only meant, like + the bear in the fable, to guard me from a slight evil, though you + broke my head in doing it; it is this belief, I say, that now + throws me thus a suppliant at your feet, and makes me beg of you + to excuse all my rudeness, and all my faults, whether caused by + imitation of Lord Essex, or my own sinful propensities, and to + raise me up to receive not the kiss of peace, for to that I dare + not aspire, but to grasp and carry to my heart the white hand + tendered to me in token of forgiveness. + + "I am, madam, with the liveliest esteem, and the deepest respect, + your obliged, though stricken servant, + "CHARLES FIREBRAND." + +"Ridiculous person!" said my mother, when she had finished the letter, +giving it to me at the same time. + +When I had read it, I asked her to tell us what she had said to him. +"And why," said Pendarves, "does he sign himself Charles Firebrand?" + +"Oh! thereby hangs a tale," said my mother blushing, "which I, I assure +you, shall not tell: therefore ask me no questions. If ever Lord Charles +and I meet again, the white hand shall be tendered to him. Nay, perhaps +I shall answer his letter." + +And so she did; but we never saw what she wrote: however, I am +convinced, that she had called him a firebrand, and reproved him for his +evident desire of making mischief between my husband and me. Nor can I +doubt but that the justice of her reproofs made them more stinging to +the heart of the offender, and that he felt at the time a degree of +unspeakable and unutterable resentment, on which his cooler judgment +made him feel it impolitic to act; for he had, as my mother said, too +much good sense not to value her acquaintance. + +I must now return to Charlotte Jermyn. I forgot to say, that she wrote a +very fawning letter of thanks to me after her return home, thanking me +for my kindness to her, and hoping that I would send for her again +whenever she could be of any service to me. I have reason to think that +she also wrote more than once to my husband: but he never communicated +what she wrote to me; and I had the mortification to find how vainly I +had tried to give him those habits of openness and ingenuousness which +can alone render the nearest and tenderest ties productive of confidence +and happiness. + +Now, after a silence of four months, she again wrote to me to inform me +that she was married to a young ensign in a marching regiment quartered +near her father's house; but as it was against her father's consent, she +had been forced to go to Gretna Green, and that her father, Mr. Jermyn, +continued inexorable. + +This letter I communicated to my husband, who was, I found, already +acquainted with the circumstance, though he did not tell me by what +means he knew it. He also told me that her father has since assured her +of his forgiveness; but told her at the same time, that he could bestow +on her nothing else, as he had ten children, and a small income; and +that the young couple had nothing to live upon except the pay of an +ensign of foot. + +"I am sure _I_ can do nothing for her," Pendarves added; "for my own +wants, or rather my expenses, are beyond my means." + +"And were they not," answered I, "I do not feel that Charlotte Jermyn, +or rather Mrs. Saunders, has any claims on you." + +"Still, I would not let her starve, if I could help it; but I cannot." + +I did not like to ask whether she had applied to him to lend her money; +but I suspected that she had, and that he had refused: for soon after +I saw him receive a letter, which he read with an angry and flushed +countenance, and thrust into the fire, muttering as he did so, + +"Confounded fool, insolent!" + +I felt, however, that her visit to me, and the terms which we had been +upon, made it indispensable for me to give her a wedding gift, and I +sent her money instead of a present in consideration of her poverty, +desiring her to buy what she wanted most in remembrance of me. My letter +and its contents, much to the annoyance of us both, she answered in +person, bringing her husband with her; and they came with so evident +an intention of staying all night, spite of the coldness of their +reception, that we were forced to offer them a bed. + +The next day, however, even their assurance was not proof against the +repelling power of our cold civility, and they departed, neither of us +prejudiced in favour of the husband, and leaving me disgusted by the +wife's forward behaviour to Pendarves. + +I now, according to my mother's advice, proposed to Pendarves a visit to +London: but, to my great surprise, he seemed to have no relish for the +scheme; and telling me we would talk further about it, he dropped the +subject. + +Most gladly should I have welcomed this unwillingness to go to London, +if I could have attributed it to a preference for home and for the +country; but I had no reason to do this, and I feared it proceeded only +from inability to meet the expenses of a London establishment, even for +a few weeks; and of this I was soon convinced. + +I told you a few pages back, that I was so cruel as to rejoice in my +aunt's being rendered unable to write, by a violent inflammation in the +eyes; but as that did not deprive her of locomotion, most unexpectedly +one day, Mr. and Mrs. Pendarves drove up to my mother's door, and soon +after she accompanied them to our house. I was dressing when they +arrived, and I saw myself change even to alarming paleness when my +mother came up to announce them. I also saw she was as much disconcerted +as I was. + +"Oh! if my dear uncle had but come alone," said she, "the visit would +have been delightful!" But, here we were interrupted by Pendarves, who +came in with "So, Helen! I suppose you know who is come. Oh! that one +could but transfer the disease from the eyes to the tongue, and bandage +that up instead of the former! What shall we do? For, probably, as she +can't use her eyes, she makes her tongue work double tide." + +"Suppose," replied I, "we bribe our surgeon to assure her that entire +silence is the only cure for inflamed eyes?" + +"The best thing we can do," observed my mother, "is to bear with +fortitude this unavoidable evil; and also to try to remember her virtues +more than her faults." + +When I went down, I found my mother admiring her beaver hat and +feathers. + +"Yes," she replied, "I think my beaver very pretty. What is it the mad +poet says about 'my beaver?' Oh! I have it-- + + 'When glory like a plume of feathers stood + Perched on my beaver in the briny flood.'" + +"Do you then bathe in the sea with your beaver on?" said my mother. + +"Well! there's a question for a sensible woman!" cried my aunt, not +seeing the sarcasm: then turning to me, she welcomed me with a cordial +kiss; but I was struck by the great coldness with which she greeted +Seymour. + +My uncle, however, received us both with the kindest manner possible. + +But I forgave all her oddness, when she saw my child; for praise of her +child always finds its way to a mother's heart; and she was in raptures +with its beauty. She pitied me too for being forced to give her up to +a nurse; but she added, "I hope she is not, to use the words of the +bard, a + + 'Stern rugged nurse, with rigid lore, + Our patience many a year to bore.'" + +Then renewing her caresses and her praises, she banished from my +remembrance for a while all but her affectionate heart. + +At dinner, however, she restored to me my fears of her, and my dislike +to her visit; for she called my husband Mr. Seymour Pendarves at every +word, though my mother she called Julia, and me Helen;--wishing, as I +saw, to point out to every one that _he_ was not in her good graces. But +why? Alas! I doubted not but I should hear too soon; and, feeling myself +a coward, I carefully avoided being alone with her that evening. + +What she had to tell I knew not, and whether it regarded Charlotte +Jermyn or Lady Bell; but I summoned up resolution to ask Pendarves +whether he had ever visited Lady Bell Singleton in company with Lord +Charles; and without hesitation, though with great confusion, he owned +that he had. + +"What! more than once?" + +"Yes." + +"Why did you not tell me of it?" + +"Because I thought, after what you had heard, it might make you uneasy." + +"Should you ever do," I replied, forcing a smile, "what in our relative +situation it would make me uneasy to be informed of?" + +"Not if your uneasiness would be at all well founded." + +"But concealment implies consciousness of something indiscreet, if not +wrong; and had you told me yourself of your visits to Lady Bell, I could +have set Mrs. Pendarves and her insinuations at defiance." + +"And can you not now?" + +"Perhaps so; but no thanks to your ingenuousness. However, I must own," +said I, smiling affectionately, "that no one answers questions more +readily." + +I had judged rightly in preparing myself for my encounter with Mrs. +Pendarves, as she took the first opportunity of telling me how much she +pitied me: for she had heard of the affair with the young lady who came +to nurse me in my lying in, which was of a piece with the renewal of +intercourse with Lady Bell Singleton. "But I assure you," she added, +"his uncle means to tell him a piece of his mind; and if he does not, I +will." + +On hearing this I thought proper to laugh as well as I could; which +perfectly astonished my aunt, as I knew it would do, and she demanded +a reason of my ill-timed mirth. I told her that I laughed at her +mountain's having brought forth a mouse: for that the affair with the +young lady ended in her marrying a young ensign, soon after she left us, +for love, and that I had given her a wedding present; and that I knew +from Seymour himself that he visited Lady Bell Singleton: I therefore +begged she would keep her pity, and my uncle his advice, for those who +required them. + +My mother entered the room at this moment, and I had great pleasure in +repeating to her what had passed: for I was glad to impress her with an +idea that my husband confided in me. I saw that I had succeeded. + +"Mrs. Pendarves," said she, gravely, "I am sorry to find you are one of +those who act the part of an enemy while fancying you are performing +that of a friend. What good could you do my daughter by telling her of +her husband's errors, had the charge been a true one? Answer me that. +Surely, where 'ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise.'" + +"But she could not be ignorant long--she must know it some time or +other, and it was better she should hear it from a sympathizing and +affectionate friend like me. However, I did not mean to be officious and +troublesome, and I am glad Mr. Seymour Pendarves is better than I +supposed he was." + +"Madam," replied my mother, "Seymour, like other persons, is better, +much better than a gossiping world is willing to allow any one to be. +And it is hard indeed that a man's own relations should implicitly +believe and propagate what they hear against him." + +"Take my advice, my dear little aunt, and always inquire before you +condemn; which advice is your due, in return for the large store of that +commodity which you are so willing to bestow on other people." + +My aunt was silent a moment, as if considering whether in what was said +there was most of compliment, or most of reproof. Be that as it might, +she was too politic not to choose to believe there was much of compliment +implied in the mention made of her willingness to bestow advice. She +therefore looked pleased, declared her pleasure at finding all was well, +and that she found even the best authority was not always to be depended +upon. At dinner that day, to show, I conclude, that Seymour was restored +to her favour, she asked him to pay her a visit at their house in town; +but on my saying that I expected she would include me in the invitation, +as I wished to go to London, she turned round with great quickness and +exclaimed, "What! and leave your sweet babe?" + +The censure which this abrupt question conveyed gave a sort of shock +to my feelings, and I could not answer her; but my mother instantly +replied, "My daughter's health requires a little change of scene, and +surely she can venture to intrust her infant to my care." + +"Oh, yes! but how can she bear to leave it?" + +"The trial will be great, I own," said I; "but I am not yet so very a +mother as to forget I am a wife; and as I must either leave my child, or +give up accompanying my husband, of the two evils I prefer the first." + +"Oh! true, true, I never thought of that," was her sage reply; "and you +are right, my dear, quite right, as husbands are, to go to take care of +yours; and I advise you to keep a sharp look-out--for there are hawks +abroad." + +"Hawks!" said my uncle smiling, "turtle doves more likely; and they are +the most dangerous bird of the two." + +This observation gave Pendarves time to recover the confusion his aunt's +speech had occasioned him, and he told me he was much amused to see that +I had positively arranged a journey to London for him and for myself, +without his having ever expressed an intention of going at all. + +"But I knew you wished to go, and I thought it was your kind reluctance +to ask me to leave my child which alone prevented your expressing your +wishes." + +"Indeed, Helen, you are right: I never should have thought of asking you +to leave your child; and I own I am flattered to find I am still dearer +to you than she is: therefore, if my uncle and aunt will be troubled +with us, I shall be very happy to visit London as their guest." + +"Is it possible," cried I, "that you can think of going any where but to +a lodging?" + +"Is it possible," cried Mrs. Pendarves, "that you can prefer a lodging +to being the guest of your uncle and aunt?" + +"To being the guest even of a father and mother; for when one has much +to see in a little time, there is nothing like the liberty and +convenience of a lodging." + +"Well, well, Helen," said Pendarves, rather impatiently, "that may be; +but _this year_, if you please, we will go to Stratford Place." + +I said no more, and it was settled that we should follow my uncle and +aunt to town, and take up our residence with them. But the next day +my mother, who thought the plan as foolish and disagreeable as I did, +desired me to find out, if I could, why my husband consented to be the +guest of a woman whose society was so offensive to him: "And if," said +she, "it is because he cannot afford to take lodgings, you may tell +him, that I have both means and inclination to answer all the necessary +demands; and moreover I have a legacy of L2000 untouched, which I have +always meant to give you, Helen, on the birth of your first child; and +that also is at your service." + +I shall pass over my feelings on this occasion, and my expression of +them. Suffice that my husband owned his "poverty, and not his will, +consented" to his acceptance of our relation's offer; and that he +thankfully received my mother's bounty. The legacy, however, he resolved +to secure to me, as my own property, and so tied up that he could not +touch it. We found, however, that we must spend part of our time with my +uncle and aunt; but at the end of ten days we removed to lodgings near +them. + +I was soon sensible of the difference between the present time in London +and the past. I found that Pendarves, though his manner was as kind as +ever, used to accept in succession engagements in which I had no share; +and if it had not been for the society of Mr. and Mrs. Ridley, and my +uncle and aunt, I should have been much alone; and have pined after my +child and mother even more than I did. Still ardently indeed did I long +to return home; and had I not believed I was at the post of duty, I +should have urged my husband to let me go home without him. + +Lord Charles was frequently with us, and, had I chosen it, would +have been my escort every where: but I still distrusted him; and I +suspect that it was in revenge he so often procured Pendarves dinner +invitations, from which he rarely returned till day-light; and once he +was evidently in such low spirits, that I was sure he had been at play, +and had lost every thing. + +We had now been several weeks in London, and I grew very uneasy at +my prolonged separation from my child, and at my mother's evidently +declining health--besides having reason to think that my husband would +have enjoyed London more without me; for Lord Charles took care to +tell me often, that had I not been with him, Pendarves would have gone +thither; always adding, "So you see what a tame domestic animal you have +made of him, and what a tractable obedient husband he is." There is +perhaps nothing more insiduous and pernicious, than to tell a proud man +that he is governed by a wife, or a mistress, provided he has great +conscious weakness of character; and Lord Charles knew that was the case +with Pendarves. And I am very sure that he accepted many invitations +which he would otherwise have declined, because his insiduous friend +reproached him with being afraid of me. + +Ranelagh was still the fashion, and my husband had still a pride in +showing me in its circles; but even there I was sensible of a change. He +now was not unwilling to resign the care of me to other men, while he +went to pay his compliments to dashing women of fashion, and give them +the arm once exclusively mine. Still, these occasional neglects were +too trifling to excite my fears or my jealousy, and I expected, when we +returned to our country home, that it would be with unclouded prospects. +But while I dreamt of perpetual sunshine, the storm was gathering which +was to cloud my hours in sorrow. + +I had vainly expected a letter from my mother for two days,--and she +usually wrote every day,--a circumstance which had depressed my spirits +in a very unusual manner; and I was consequently little prepared to bear +with fortitude the abrupt entrance of my husband in a state of great +agitation: but pale and trembling I awaited the painful communication +which I saw he was about to make. + +"Helen!" cried he, "if you will not or cannot assist me, I am likely to +be arrested every moment." + +"Arrested! What for?" cried I, relieved beyond measure at hearing it was +a distress which money could remove. + +"Aye, Helen, dearest creature! There is the pang--for a debt so weakly +contracted!" + +"Oh! a gaming debt to Lord Charles, I suppose?" + +"No, no, would it were!--though I own that way also I have been very +culpable." + +"Keep me no longer in suspense, I conjure you." + +"Why you know what a rash marriage that silly girl Charlotte Jermyn +made." + +"Go on." + +"Well--her husband was forced to sell his commission to pay his debts: +but that was not sufficient; and to save him from a jail, I had the +folly to be bound for him in no less a sum than several hundreds." + +"But who asked you? Are they in London?" + +"They were." + +"And you saw them?" + +"Yes." + +"Why did you not tell me they were here?" + +"Because they were persons with whom I did not choose my wife to +associate." + +"Were they fit associates for you then?" was on my tongue, but I +suppressed it; for mistaken indeed is the wife who thinks reproach can +ever do ought but alienate the object of it. + +"But did you often visit them? and what made them presume to apply to +you?" + +"Necessity. She wrote to me again and again, and she way-laid me +too--what could I do? I was never proof against a woman's tears--and I +was bound for him." + +"Well, and what then?" + +"Why, the rascal is gone off, and left his wife without a farthing, to +maintain herself as she can." + +"Is she in London?" cried I, turning very faint. + +"No, at Dover; but, as soon as it is known that he is off, I expect to +be arrested for the money; and for me to raise it is impossible; but +you, Helen--" + +"Yes, yes--I understand you," I replied, speaking with great difficulty: +"the legacy--I will drive instantly to the bankers--and take it, take +it all, if you wish." + +Here my voice and even my eye-sight totally failed me, and almost my +intellects; but I neither fell nor fainted.--Miserable suspicions and +certain anxiety came over me, and in one moment life seemed converted +into a dreary void. My situation alarmed Pendarves almost to phrensy. He +rung for the servants, sent for the nearest surgeon, without my being +able to oppose any thing he ordered--for I could not speak: and I was +carried to my room, and even bled, before I had the power of uttering a +word. + +"The lady has undergone a violent shock," said the surgeon; and the +conscience-stricken Seymour ran out of the room in an agony too mighty +for expression. + +I was now forced to swallow some strong nervous medicine; and at length, +feeling myself able to speak again, I ejaculated "Thank God!" and fell +into a passion of tears, which considerably relieved me. + +My kind but officious maid had meanwhile sent for Mrs. Pendarves, who +eagerly demanded the original cause of my seizure. + +"Dearest Helen, do you tell your aunt," said Seymour, "how it was." + +"I had been fretting for two days," I replied, "on account of my +mother's silence; and while I was talking to Seymour, this violent +hysterical seizure came over me. Indeed, I had experienced all +the morning, my love, previous to your coming in, a most unusual +depression." This statement, though true, was I own deceptive; but I +could not tell all the truth without exposing my husband.--Oh! how +fondly did his eyes thank me! My aunt was satisfied; she insisted on +sitting by my bedside while I slept,--for an anodyne was given me,--and +I consented to receive her offered kindness. Nay, I must own that, in +the conscious desolation of my heart at that moment, I felt strangely +soothed by expressions of kindness, and was covetous of those endearments +from her which before I had wished to avoid. But my hand now returned +and courted the affectionate pressure of hers; and I seemed to cling to +her as a friend who, if she knew all, would have sorrowed over me like a +mother; and while sleep was consciously stealing over me, I was pleased +to know that she was watching beside my pillow. + +I had forbidden Pendarves to come near me, because the sight of his +distress prevented my recovery, and perfect quiet was enjoined. + +But, when I was asleep he would not be kept from the bedside; and he +betrayed so much deep feeling, and exhibited so much affection for +me, that when I woke, and desired to rise and dress, as I was quite +recovered, my aunt was lavish in his praise, and declared she was now +convinced he was the best of husbands. + +Pendarves would fain have staid at home with me that day; but I insisted +on his going out, as I thought it would be better for us both; and I +told him with truth I preferred his aunt's company to his. Our next +meeting alone was truly painful; for we could neither of us advert to +my excessive emotion. He could not explain away its cause, nor could I +name it: but he, though silent, was affectionate and attentive, and I +tried to force my too busy fancy to dwell only on what I knew and saw, +and not to fly off to sources of disquiet, which spite of appearances +might really not exist. + +The next morning, as soon as breakfast was over, we drove to the +banker's, resumed the whole of the deposit, and I insisted that +Pendarves should accept it all. This he was very unwilling to do--but I +was firm, and my mind was tranquillized by his consenting at last to my +desire. Yet, I think I was not foolish enough to suppose I could buy his +constancy. + +One thing which I said to him I instantly repented. I asked him whether +Mrs. Saunders was likely to remove to London. He said, he did not know: +"But if she does, what then? O Helen! can you suppose I will ever see +her now?" he added. + +"And why not?" thought I, when he quitted me--"If it was ever proper +to see her, why not now? And why should I seem to be accusing him, by +appearing solicitous to know whether he would see her or not?" + +Alas! his reply only served to make me more wretched; but, fortunately I +may say, my mother's continued silence made a sort of diversion to my +thoughts, and substituted tender for bitter anxiety. + +That very day the demand was made on my husband by the creditor of +Saunders, and while he was gone out with this man on business in bustled +my kind but mischievous aunt. + +"How are you to-day," said she, "my poor child? but I see how you +are--sitting like patience on a monument, smiling with grief!" + +"With grief! dear aunt?" + +"Yes: for do you think I do not know all? Oh, the wicked man!" + +"Whom, madam, do you call wicked?" + +"Your husband, child: has he not been keeping up an acquaintance with +that girl, who married? and has he not been bound for her husband? and +is not the man run away, and he liable to be arrested for the debt? and +where he can get the money to pay it I can't guess--I am sure my Mr. +Pendarves will not pay it. Nay, _I_ know 'tis all, all true--my maid, +I find, met him walking in the park with her, and the creditor is my +maid's brother." + +Here she paused exhausted with her own vehemence; and I replied, "I am +sorry, madam, that you listen to tales told you by your servant: I am +also sorry that a transaction which though rash was kind, is known to +more persons than my husband and me. I know as well as you that Pendarves +visited at Mrs. Saunders's lodgings, and he was very likely seen in the +park with her. To the money transaction I am also privy, and I assure +you my Mr. Pendarves need not apply to yours on this or, I trust, on any +occasion; for the creditor has been here, and he is paid by this time." + +"Then he must have borrowed the money, for I know he has lost a great +deal lately." + +"Mrs. Pendarves," said I, rising with great agitation, "I will not +allow you to speak thus of the husband whom I love and honour. I tell +you that he has paid the creditor with his _own_ money; and if you +persist in a conversation so offensive to me, I will quit the room." + +"How! this to me? Do you consider who I am--and our relationship?" + +"You are the wife of my great uncle, madam, no more; and were you even +my mother, I would not sit and listen tamely to aspersions of my +husband, and I must desire that our conversations on this subject may +end here." + +I believe there is nothing more formidable while it lasts, than the +violence of those who are habitually mild--because surprise throws the +persons who are attacked off their guard; and it also magnifies to them +the degree of violence used. + +The poor little woman was not only awed into silence, but affected unto +tears; and I was really obliged to sooth her into calmness, declaring +that I was sure she meant well, and that I had never doubted the +goodness of her heart. + +The next day brought the long expected letter from my mother; and its +contents made all that I had yet endured light, in comparison; for they +alarmed me for the life of my child! She was, however, declared out of +danger for the present, when my mother wrote. + +It is almost needless to add, that as soon as horses could be procured, +Pendarves and I were on the road home. + +I must pass rapidly over this part of my narrative. Suffice, that she +vacillated between life and death for three months; that then she was +better, and my husband left me to join Lord Charles at Tunbridge Wells, +whither he had been ordered for his health; that he had not been gone a +fortnight, when her worst symptoms returned, and my mother wrote to him +as follows: + + "Come instantly, if you wish to see your child alive, and + preserve the senses of your wife! When all is over, your presence + alone can, I believe, save her from distraction. + J. P." + +He instantly set off for home, and arrived at a moment when I could be +alive to the joy of seeing him; for my child had just been pronounced +better! But what a betterness! For six weeks longer, watched by us +all day and all night with never-failing love, it lingered on and on, +endeared to us every day the more, in proportion as it became more +helpless, and we more void of hope, till I was doomed to see its last +faint breath expire, and----no more on this subject-- + + * * * * * + +I believe my mother was right; I believe that, dearly as I loved her, +her presence alone would not have kept my grief within the bounds of +reason: but the presence of him whose grief was on a par with mine, of +him whom love and duty equally bade me exert myself to console, had +indeed a salutary effect on me; and it at length became a source of +comfort to reflect, that the object of our united regrets was mercifully +removed from a state of severe suffering, and probably from evils to +come. But my progress towards recovered tranquillity bore no proportion +to Seymour's; for, when I was capable of reflection, I felt that in +losing my child I lost one of my strongest holds on the affection of my +husband. Consequently, the clearer my mind grew after the clouds of +grief dispersed, the more vividly was I sensible of my loss. + +I also became conscious that the habitual dejection of my spirits, which +was pleasing to Seymour's feelings while his continued in unison with +mine, would become distasteful, and make his home disagreeable, as soon +as he was recovering his usual cheerfulness. Still, I could not shake it +off--and by my mother's advice I urged him to renew his visit to Lord +Charles, who was still an invalid. + +To Tunbridge Wells he therefore again went, leaving me to indulge +unrestrained that pernicious grief which even his presence had not +controuled, and also to impair both my health and my person in a degree +which it might be difficult ever to restore. + +When Pendarves returned, which he did at the end of six weeks, during +which time he had written in raptures of the new acquaintances which he +had formed at the Wells, he was filled with pain and mortification at +sight of my pale cheek, meagre form, and neglected dress. + +What a contrast was I to the women whom he had left! And even his +affectionate disposition and fine temper were not proof, after the first +ebullitions of tenderness had subsided, against my dowdy wretched +appearance, and my dejection of manner. + +"Helen!" said he, "I cannot stand this--I must go away again, if you +persist to forget all that is due to the living, in regard for the dead. +I have not been accustomed lately to pale cheeks, meagre forms, and +dismal faces. I love home, and I love you; but neither my home nor you +are now recognisable." + +I was wounded, but reproved and amended: I felt the justice of what he +said, and resolved to do my duty. + +Soon after he told me he was going away again; and on my mother's gently +reproaching him for leaving me so much, he replied that he could not +bear to witness my altered looks, and to listen to my mournful voice. + +While Pendarves was gone, I resolved to renew my long neglected +pursuits. I played on the guitar; I resumed my drawing, and sometimes I +tried to sing: but that exertion I found at present beyond my powers. + +After three weeks had elapsed, Seymour wrote me word that he was +about to return from the Wells with some new friends of his, who were +coming to the mansion within four miles of us, which had been so long +uninhabited, called Oswald Lodge. He said he should arrive there very +late on the Saturday night; but that after attending church on the +Sunday to hear a new curate preach, whom they were to bring with them, +he should return home. + +I was mortified I own to think that he could stop, after so long an +absence, within four miles of home; but I felt that I had lately made so +few efforts for his sake, that I had no right to expect he would pay me +an attention like this. But to repine or look back was equally vain and +weak; and I resolved to act, in order to make amends for what I could +not but consider an indolent indulgence of my own selfishness, however +disguised to me under the name of sensibility, at the expense of my +husband's happiness. And as six months had now elapsed since the death +of my child, I resolved to throw off my mourning, and make the house and +myself look as cheerful as they were wont to do. + +I also resolved to meet him at the church, which was common to the +parish whence he would come, and ours also, and not to sit, as I had +lately done, in a pew whence I could steal in and out unseen; but walk +up the aisle, and sit in my own seat, where I could see and be seen of +others. + +My mother meanwhile observed in joyful silence all my proceedings; and +when she saw me stop at the door in the carriage on the Sunday morning, +dressed in white, with a muslin bonnet, and pelisse, lined with full +pink, and a countenance which was in a measure at least cheerful, she +embraced me with the warmest affection, and said she hoped she should +now see her own child again. + +Spite, however, of my well-motived exertions, my nerves were a little +fluttered when I recollected that I was going to encounter the +scrutinizing observation of Seymour's new friends, who, if arrived, +would no doubt, from the situation of the pew, see me during my +progress to mine, which was opposite. They were arrived before me; +for I saw white and coloured feathers nodding at a distance: but I +remembered it was not in the temple of the Most High that fear of man +ought to be felt, and I followed my mother up the aisle with my +accustomed composure. + +Oh! how I longed to see whether my husband was with the party! but I +forebore to seek the creature till the dues to the Creator were paid. I +then looked towards the opposite pew; but soon withdrew my eyes again: +for I saw my husband listening with an animated countenance to what a +gentleman was saying to him, who was gazing on me with an expression of +great admiration. I therefore only exchanged a glance of affectionate +welcome with Pendarves, and tried to remember him and his companions no +more. + +When service was ended Seymour eagerly left his seat, and coming into +mine proposed to introduce me to his friends; "for now," said he in a +low voice, "I again see the wife I am proud of." I smiled assent, and a +formal introduction took place. + +The party consisted of Mr. and Mrs. Oswald, who after a long residence +abroad were come to live on their estate, and resume those habits of +extravagance, the effects of which they had gone abroad to recover; of a +Lord Martindale, the gentleman I had before observed; and of one or two +persons, a sort of hangers-on in the family, who ministered in some way +or other to the entertainment of the host and hostess. + +Mr. and Mrs. Oswald now politely urged my mother and myself to favour +them with our company at dinner, my husband having promised to return to +them by five o'clock; but we declined it, and Seymour attended us home. +Seymour expressed more by his looks than his words the pleasure my +change of dress and countenance had occasioned him; for he was too +delicate to expatiate on what must recall to my mind only too forcibly +the cause of the difference which he had deplored: but when he rejoiced +over my recovered bloom, and _embonpoint_, I reminded him that my bloom +was caused by my lining, and my seeming plumpness by my pelisse. This +was only too true. Still I was, he saw, disposed to be all he wished +me; and when we reached our house, and he beheld baskets of flowers +in all the rooms, as usual; when he beheld the light of day allowed to +penetrate into every apartment, except where the sun was too powerful; +when he saw my guitar had been moved from its obscurity, and that my +portfolio seemed full of drawings; he folded my still thin form with +fondness to his heart, and declared that he now felt himself quite a +happy man again. Nor would he leave me, to dine at Oswald Lodge; and +he sent an excuse, but promised to call there on the morrow and take +me with him. The next day he summoned me to get ready to fulfil his +promise, and I obeyed him, but with reluctance; for I felt already sure +that I should not like these new friends. + +In Lord Martindale I already saw an audacious man of the world; and +those spendthrift Oswalds, those beings who seemed to think they came +into life merely to amuse it away, did not seem at all suited to my +taste or principles, and were certain to be dangerous to a man of +Seymour's tendency to expense. + +On our way thither I asked if Lord Martindale was married; and with a +cheek which glowed with emotion he replied, "Married! Oh yes! did I not +mention Lady Martindale to you? How strange!" But I did not think it so, +when I heard him descant on her various attractions and talents with an +eloquence which was by no means pleasing to me. + +"Indeed," said I, sighing as I spoke, "I feel it a great compliment, +that you preferred staying with your faded wife to dining with this +brilliant beauty." + +"Brilliant beauty! dear girl! In beauty she is not to be compared to +you. She is certainly ten years older, and never was a beauty in her +life. She has very fine eyes, fine teeth, fine hair, and a little +round, perfectly formed person: _au reste_, she is sallow, and, when +not animated, plain: in her expression, her endless variety, her +gracefulness, and her vivacity, lies her great charm. Altogether _c'est +une petite personne des plus piquantes_; and with even more than the +usual attraction of her countrywomen." + +"Is she French then?" + +"Yes: she was well born, but poor; and her great powers of fascination +led Lord Martindale, who was living abroad, to marry her, in spite of +his embarrassed fortune. They came over in the same ship with the +Oswalds, and thence the intimacy." + +By this time we had reached Oswald Lodge, and were ushered through a +hall redolent with sweets to the morning room, where we found Mrs. +Oswald, splendidly attired, stringing coral beads, and the gentlemen +reading the papers. If there ever was a complete contrast in nature, +it was my appearance and that of Mrs. Oswald. Figure to yourself the +greeting between a woman of my great height, excessive meagreness, and +long neck, and one not exceeding five feet, with legs making up in +thickness for what they wanted in length, with a short neck buried +in fat, and the rest of her form of suitable dimensions, while the +dropsical appearance of her person did not however impede a short and +quick waddling walk. Figure to yourself also, a fair, fat, flat face, +full of good humour, and betokening a heart a stranger to care, and then +call to mind my different style of features, complexion, and expression, +particularly at that melancholy period of my life. + +"What a fine caricature we should make!" thought I; and it required all +my dislike to employ the talent for caricature which I possessed, to +prevent my drawing her and myself when I went home. But I was ashamed of +the satirical manner in which I regarded her, when she welcomed me +with such genuine kindness; and ill befall the being whom welcome and +courtesy cannot disarm of even habitual sarcasm! Mr. Oswald was as +courteous and kind as his wife, and Lord Martindale looked even more +soft meanings than he uttered--adding, "When I saw you yesterday, Mrs. +Pendarves, I did not expect to see Mr. Pendarves return to us to +dinner. Nay, if he had, I never could have forgiven him." + +"My lord," cried Oswald, "I did not expect him for another reason, +though I admit the full force of yours. He knew Lady Martindale was +too unwell to dine below, for I told him so myself; and 'my fair, +fat, and forty' here was not likely to draw him from 'metal more +attractive'"--bowing to me. + +"So then," said I to myself, "his staying with me, for which I expressed +my thanks, was no compliment after all; and disingenuous as usual, he +did not tell me Lady Martindale would not be visible!" I am ashamed to +own how this little incident disconcerted me. I had been flattered by +Seymour's staying at home, but now there was nothing in it. Oh! the +weakness of a woman that loves! + +Seymour, who knew that I should be mortified, and he lowered in my eyes +by this discovery, was more embarrassed and awkward than I ever knew +him, in paying his respects and making his inquiries concerning the +health of Lady Martindale, and had just expressed his delight at +hearing she was recovered when the lady herself appeared: she paid her +compliments to me in a very easy and graceful manner, and expressed +herself much pleased to see the lady of whom her lord had raved ever +since he saw her; and I suspect her broken English gave what she said +much of its charm. At least I wished to think so then. I found Seymour +had painted her as she was, as to externals; whether he had been as +accurate a delineator of her mind and general manners, I was yet to +learn. + +That she could dance, I had soon the means of discovering; for she +had a little French dog with her, which had been taught to dance to +a tune; and while Mrs. Oswald played a slow waltz, and then a jig, Lady +Martindale, on pretence of showing off the little dog, showed herself +off to the greatest possible advantage.--Whether she glided smoothly +along in graceful abandonment of the waltz measure, or whether she +sprung lightly on the "gay fantastic toe," her fine arms floated +gracefully on the air, and her beautiful feet moved with equal and as +becoming skill. When she had ended, she was repaid with universal bravos +and clapping of hands. + +Nothing could exceed the grace with which she curtsied; and snatching +the dog under her arm, she went round the circle, extending her +beautiful hand to each of us, saying "_De grace! donnez des gateaux +a ma Fanchon:_"[1] and the plate of macaroons that stood near us was +immediately emptied before the little animal, who growled and ate, to +the great delight of his mistress, who knelt in an attitude _fait a +peindre_ beside him. + + [Footnote 1: Pray give cakes to my Fanchon.] + +I cannot express to you what I felt when I saw Seymour's eyes rivetted +on this woman of display. He watched her every movement, and seemed +indeed to feel she possessed _la grace plus belle encore que la +beaute_.[2] But who and what was she? A French woman, and well-born, +though poor. + + [Footnote 2: Grace more beautiful still than beauty.] + +Was it the quick-sightedness of jealousy, I wonder, or was it that women +read women better than men do, where their love or their vanity is +concerned, which made me suspect that she had been not only a _femme_ de +_talens_, but a _femme_ a _talens_, and that Lord Martindale had married +a woman who had been in public life? However, what did that matter to +me? Whatever she was, she possessed fascinations which I had not; she +had a power of amusing and interesting which I had never possessed; and +I feared that to him who could admire her I must soon cease to be an +object of love, though I might continue to be one of esteem. But did I +wish to please as she had been pleasing? Did I wish to be able to exhibit +my person in attitudes so alluring? Would it have been consistent with +the modest dignity of an English gentlewoman? Nay, would my husband have +liked to see me so exhibit in company? Notwithstanding, to charm, amuse +and fix his roving eye, and enliven our domestic scenes, I could not +help wishing that I could do all she did. But I could not do it, and +I feared her. We were asked to stay dinner, but we refused: however, +another day was fixed for our waiting on them, so the evil was only +delayed. + +And what were we doing? and wherefore? We were entering into dinner +visits, and with a reduced income, with persons who lived in all the +luxuries of life, and of whom we knew nothing but that ten years before +they had been forced to run away from their creditors, and that the +chances were they would be forced to do so again. The wherefore was +still less satisfactory to me. We did it that my husband might amuse +away his hours; and, as I had reason to fear, forget in this stimulating +sort of company and diversions the anxieties and the unhappy feelings +which were in future likely to cling to him at home. For I was sure +he was involved in debts which he could not pay, and those who are +so involved are always forced to substitute constant amusement for +happiness. If they do not, they fly to intoxication; but agreeable +company and gay pursuits are the better intoxication, I own, of the two. + +And was it come to this? Was my husband for ever unfitted for the +enjoyment of domestic comfort; and was I reduced to the cruel alternative +of seeing him abstracted and unhappy, or of parting with him to the +abode of the Syren? while I was sometimes forced to accompany him +thither, and witness his evident devotion to her, his forgetfulness +of me? Alas! such seemed to be my situation at that moment; but I was +resolved to talk with him seriously on the state of his affairs, and to +make any retrenchments, and offer any sacrifices, to remove from his +mind the burthen which oppressed it. But for some time, like most +persons so distressed, he was decidedly averse to talk on the subject, +and liked better to drive care away by pleasant society, than to meet +the evil though it was in order to remove it. In the meanwhile I went to +Oswald Lodge occasionally, and occasionally invited its owners and their +guests to our home, till the party there grew too large for our rooms to +receive them: and then I had an excuse for not accompanying my husband +often, in not having carriage horses, as I had prevailed on Pendarves to +drop that unnecessary expense. This produced urgent invitations to sleep +there; but that I never would do; and I would not consent to be with +these people on so intimate a footing, especially as I had not my +mother's countenance or presence to sanction it; she having resolutely +declined visiting them at all, as she disliked the manners and appearance, +as well as the mode of life, of the whole party. But she confirmed me in +my resolution never to seem to under-value, though I did not commend, +Lady Martindale, as she well knew my disapprobation would be imputed +to envy and jealousy even by Pendarves, and she advised me to endure +patiently what I could not prevent. Not that she for a moment suspected +that my husband was seriously alienated from me, and was acting a +dishonourable part towards Lord Martindale; but she could not be blind +to Seymour's long absences at Oswald Lodge, and his now passing nights +there, as well as days. But his pleasures were, for a little while at +least, put a stop to; for he received at length so many dunning letters, +that he was forced to unburthen his mind to me, and ask my aid if +possible to relieve his distresses. He positively, however, forbade me +to apply to my mother, and I was equally unwilling to let her know the +errors of my still beloved husband. + +Yet what could I do for him? I could dismiss one, if not two +servants,--and he could sell another horse; but then money was wanted to +pay debts. There was therefore no alternative, but for me to prevail on +my trustees to give up some of my marriage settlement; and as I knew +that my mother's fortune must come to me and my children, if I had any, +I was very willing to relieve my husband from his embarrassments, by +raising for him the necessary supplies. Nor did I find my trustees very +unwilling to grant my request, and once more I believed my husband free +from debt. I also hoped my mother knew nothing of either the distress, +or the means of relief. But, alas! one of the trustees concluded our +uncle knew of these transactions, and was probably desirous to know +why he had, though a very rich man, allowed me to diminish my marriage +settlement, in order to pay debts which he could have paid without the +smallest inconvenience, as he had only two daughters, who were both well +married. + +Accordingly he mentioned the subject to my astonished and indignant +uncle, who with his usual indiscretion revealed it to his wife. +The consequence was inevitable: she immediately wrote a letter of +lamentation to my mother, detailing the whole affair, adverting to the +other transaction concerning Saunders's debts, pointing out the great +probability there was that what every one said was true, namely, that +my husband had prevailed on Saunders to marry Charlotte Jermyn, and +therefore was bound in justice to assist him, and concluding with a +broad hint concerning his evident attachment to a Lady Martindale. + +What a letter for a fond mother to receive! But to the money +transactions alone did she vouchsafe any credit; and relative to these +she demanded from me the most open confession, saying, "The rest of the +letter I treat with the contempt it deserves." I had no difficulty in +telling her every thing which related to the last transaction; but my +voice faltered, and my eye was downcast, when I described the other, +because I had never been entirely able to conquer some painful +suspicions of my own; and her quick eyes and penetrating mind soon +discovered, though she was too delicate to notice it, that in my own +heart I was not sure that all my aunt suspected was unjust. But if I +shrunk from the searching glance of her eyes, how was I affected when +she fixed them on me with looks of approving tenderness, and told me +with evidently suppressed feeling, that I had done well and greatly in +concealing my husband's extravagant follies even from her! + +That day's post brought a letter of a more pleasant nature from my uncle +to me. He informed me, that though he utterly disapproved my giving to +an erring husband what was intended as a provision for my innocent +children, he could not bear that I should suffer by my erroneous but +generous conception of a wife's duty, and had therefore replaced the sum +which I had so rashly advanced, desiring me on any future emergency to +apply to him. + +Kind and excellent old man! How pleasant were the tears which I shed +over this letter! but still how much more welcome to my soul were those +which it wrung from the heart of Pendarves! + +But amidst the various feelings which made my cheek pale, my brow +thoughtful and sad, my form meagre, and which deprived me of every thing +but the mere outline of former beauty, was the consciousness that my +mother's heart was estranged from my husband. He had even exceeded all +her fears and expectations; and her manner to him was full of that cold +civility, which when it replaces ardent affection is of all things the +most terrible to endure from one whom you love and venerate. He felt it +to his heart's core, and alas! he resented it by flying oftener from his +home and the wife whom he thus rendered wretched. + +At this period my mother was surprised by a most unexpected guest, and, +situated as I was, an unwelcome visitor to both; for it was Ferdinand de +Walden. + +Business had brought him to England; and as time had, he believed, +mellowed his attachment to me into friendship, he had no objection to +visit my mother, and renew his acquaintance with me. But though she +prepared him to see me much altered, as I had not, she said, recovered +the loss of my child, he was so overcome when he saw me, that he was +forced to leave the room; and the sight of that faded face and form, +nay, I may say, the utter loss of my beauty, endeared me yet more to the +heart of De Walden. + +Had I been an artful, had I been a coquettish woman, this was the time +to show it; for I might have easily roused the jealousy of my husband, +and perhaps have terrified him back to his allegiance. But I should have +felt debased if I had excited one feeling of jealousy in a husband's +heart, and my manner was so cold to De Walden that he complained of it +to my mother. + +Mr. Oswald called on De Walden, as soon as he heard of his arrival, for +he had known him abroad, and a day was fixed for our meeting him at +Oswald Lodge: nay, my mother, to mark her great respect for her guest, +would have joined the party had she not sprained her ankle severely the +day before. + +It was now some weeks since I had dined there; therefore I had not +seen the great increase of intimacy which was visible between Seymour +and Lady Martindale, and which I dreaded should be observed by Lord +Martindale himself: but he did not seem to mind it, and looked at me +with such an expression of countenance, lavishing on me at the same time +such disgusting flatteries, that the dark eye of De Walden flashed fire +as he regarded him, and he beheld my absorbed and inattentive husband +with a look in which scorn contended with agony. But if Seymour was +so completely absorbed in looking at and listening to the Syren who +bewitched him, she was not equally absorbed in him: but I saw that when +he was not looking at her, she was earnestly examining De Walden, and +that his eye dwelt on her with a very marked and scornful meaning. + +Lady Martindale was solicited at the dinner table to promise some new +guests who were there, to exhibit to them the scene with the dog; +but on pretence of having hurt her foot she refused. This led to a +conversation on dancing, of which art, to my great surprise, De Walden +declared himself a great admirer in the early part of his life. "When I +was very young," said he in French, "I saw such dancing as I shall never +forget. It was that of a young creature on the Paris stage, who was then +called Annette Beauvais, and she quite bewitched my young heart, both on +and off the stage; for I once saw her in a private party, but then I was +quite a boy: she was at that time the mistress of a _fermier general_: +since then she has figured, as I have heard, in many different capacities, +and I should not be surprised to hear of her as a peeress, or a princess; +so great and versatile were her powers." + +This discussion, so little _a-propos_, for what did any one present care +for Annette Beauvais? convinced me De Walden had a meaning beyond what +appeared; and casting my eyes on Lord Martindale and his lady, I saw +they were both covered with confusion: but the former recovering himself +first, said, "Annette Beauvais! My dear Eugenie, is not that the name of +the girl who was reckoned so like you?" + +"_Mais oui--sans doute_--I was much sorry--for I was take for her very +oft'--_et cependant elle est plus grande que moi._[3]" + + [Footnote 3: Yet she is taller than I.] + +"She may look taller on the stage, my lady," said De Walden, again +speaking in French, that she might not lose a word; "but I would wager +any money, that off the stage, no one would know Annette from you, or +you from her." + +"_A la bonne heure_," said she in a tone of pique, and avoiding the +searching glance of his eye; then, on her making a signal to Mrs. +Oswald, she rose, and we left the dining-room. + +With the impression which I had just received on my mind of Lady +Martindale's former profession, or rather character, I could not help +replying to the attentions which she now lavished on me with distant +politeness; and I saw clearly that she observed my change of manner, +and, resenting it in her heart, resolved to take ample vengeance; for, +as I stood with my arms folded in a long mantle which I wore, lost in +reverie, it happened that I did not answer Lady Martindale when she +first spoke, and when I did, it was in a cold and absent manner, and +as if I addressed an inferior; on which the artful woman, who sat in a +recess by the side of my husband, threw herself back, exclaiming, "_Mais +voyez donc comme elle me traite! Ah! comment ai-je merite cette durete +de sa part?_"[4] She accompanied these words with a few touching tears. + + [Footnote 4: Only see how she treats me! How have I deserved such + hard treatment from her?] + +On seeing and hearing this, for the first time in his life since we +married, Seymour felt irritated against me; and coming up to me, he +said, in a voice nearly extinct with passion, "Mrs. Pendarves, I insist +on your apologizing to that lady for the rudeness of which you have been +guilty." For one moment my spirit revolted at the word "insist," and my +feelings were overset by the "Mrs. Pendarves;" but it was only for a +moment. + +I felt that I had been rude; and I also felt that I should not have +acted as I did, spite of my suspicions, if I had not been jealous of +Seymour's adoration for her. + +Accordingly, drawing so near to her that no one could hear what passed, +I told her that at the command of my husband, I assured her I did not +mean to wound or offend her, and that I was sorry I had done so. + +"Ah! 'tis your husban spoak den, not your own heart--dat's wat I want." + +"The feelings of my heart," said I, "are not at the command even of my +husband; but my words are, and I have obeyed him--but I am really sorry +when I have given pain to any one." Then with a low curtsy I left them, +and retired to a further part of the room. + +During this time I saw that Seymour looked still angry, and was not +satisfied with my apology, or the manner in which I delivered it; and I +repented I had not been more gracious. But now I was requested to sing +a Venetian air to the Spanish guitar, to which I had written English +words; and I complied, glad to do something to escape from my own +painful reflections, and also from the earnest manner in which De Walden +examined my countenance, and watched what had just passed. But in order +no doubt to mortify my vanity by calling off the attention from me to +herself, the moment I began, Lady Martindale set her little dog down who +was lying in her lap, and began to make him dance to the tune; but as +she did not get up herself and dance as usual with him, the poor beast +did not know what to make of it, but set up a most violent barking. I +had had resolution to go on both singing and playing during the grimaces +of the dog and its mistress, even though my own husband instead of +resenting the affront to me had seemed to enjoy it; but when the dog +spoke I was silent; on which De Walden seized the little animal in +his arms in spite of Lady Martindale's resistance, and put it out of +the room. Then stooping down he whispered something in her ear which +silenced her at once. During this scene I trembled in every limb; for I +feared that Seymour might be mad enough to resent De Walden's conduct. +I was therefore relieved when Lord Martindale came up to him, as if +he meant to resent the violence offered to his lady's dog; but on +approaching De Walden, he said, with great good humour--"That was right, +Count De Walden; and if you had not done it, _I_ should. Only think that +a beast like that should presume to interrupt a Seraph!" + +"Ah! if it was but he alone that presumed in this room, it would be +well; but we often make example of one who is guilty the least." + +Lord Martindale did not choose to ask an explanation of these words, +but, turning to me, requested me to resume my guitar and my song. But +I had not yet recovered my emotion, nor perhaps would it have been +consistent with my self-respect to comply. + +Certainly De Walden thought not; for he said in a low voice "_Ma chere +amie, de grace ne chantez pas!_"[5] and I was firm in my refusal. + + [Footnote 5: My dear friend, pray do not sing!] + +Perhaps it was well that I was not allowed to go on with my song, as the +words were only too expressive of my own feelings, for they were as +follows:-- + + SONG. + + How bright this summer's sun appear'd! + How blue to me this summer's sky! + While all I saw and all I heard + Could charm my ear, could bless my eye. + + The lonely bower, the splendid crowd, + Alike a joy for me possess'd; + My heart a charm on all bestow'd, + For that confiding heart was _bless'd_. + + But thou art changed!--and now no more + The sun is bright, or blue the sky; + Now in the throng, or in the bower, + I only mark thy _alter'd eye_. + + And though midst crowds I still appear, + And seem to list the minstrel's strain, + I heed it not--I only hear + My _own deep sigh_ that mourns in vain. + +My carriage was announced soon afterwards; and I saw by the manner of +both, that Lady Martindale was trying to persuade my husband to stay all +night: but as De Walden came with us, propriety, if not inclination, +forbade him to comply, and he sullenly enough followed De Walden and me +to the carriage. When there, that considerate friend refused to enter +it--declaring as it was moon-light he preferred walking home. + +What a relief was this to my mind! for I dreaded some unpleasant +altercation, especially if De Walden expressed the belief which he +evidently entertained, that Lady Martindale and Annette Beauvais were +the same person. + +When he entered the carriage my husband threw himself into one corner of +it, and remained silent. I expected this: still I did not know how to +bear it; for I could not help contrasting the past with the present. Is +there--no, there is not--so agonizing a feeling in the catalogue of +human suffering, as the first conviction that the heart of the being +whom we most tenderly love, is estranged from us? In vain could I +pretend to doubt this overwhelming fact. Seymour had resented for +another woman, and to me! He had even joined in, and enjoyed, the mean +revenge that woman took, though that revenge was a public affront to me! +And now in sullen silence, and in still rankling resentment, he was +sitting as far from me as he possibly could sit, and the attachment of +years seemed in one hour destroyed! + +All this I felt and thought during the first mile of our drive home: but +so closely does hope ever tread on the heels of despair, that one word +from Pendarves banished the worst part of my misery; for in an angry +tone he at length observed, "So, madam, your champion would not go with +us: I think it is a pity you did not walk with him--I think you ought +to have done no less, after his public gallantry in your service." + +"Ha!" thought I immediately, "this is pique, this is jealousy; +and perhaps he loves me still!" What a revulsion of feeling I now +experienced! and never in his fondest moments did I value an expression +of tenderness from him more, than I did this weak and churlish +observation; for he was not silent and sullen on account of Lady +Martindale's fancied injuries; but from resentment of De Walden's +interference. In one moment therefore the face of nature itself seemed +changed to me; and I eagerly replied, "I was certainly much obliged to +De Walden--I needed a champion, and who so proper to be it as himself, +the only old friend I had in the room, yourself excepted, and the only +person in it probably who now (here my voice faltered) has a real regard +and affection for me!" + +"Helen!" cried Pendarves, starting up, "you cannot mean what you say! +You do not, cannot believe that De Walden loves you better than _I_ do." + +"If I had not believed it I should not have said it." + +"But how could you believe it? Has he dared to talk to you of love?" + +"Do you think he could forget himself so far as to do such a thing? or +if he did, do you think I could forget myself so far as to listen to +him? Surely, sir, you forget of whom and to whom you are speaking." + +"Forgive me: I spoke from pique. And so, Helen, you think I do not love +you?" + +"Not as you did, certainly: but I excuse you. I know grief has changed +me; and it had been better for me to have died, if it had so pleased +God, when my poor child died." + +"Helen! dearest! do not talk thus, I cannot bear it!" he exclaimed, +clasping me to his heart; and though I then wept even more abundantly +than before, I wept on his bosom, and all my sorrows were for awhile +forgotten. + +The next morning Pendarves told me he should certainly breakfast with +me; but he must leave me soon to partake of a late breakfast at Oswald +Lodge, as he had promised to go with the party to call on a family, with +whom they were to arrange some private theatricals. + +"And are you to engage in them?" + +"Oh! to be sure: it will not be the first time of my acting." + +"And will Lady Martindale act?" + +"Yes: but not with us. We shall act in English: she will favour us with +a mono-drame, a ballet of action, and perhaps read a French play, which +she reads to perfection." + +"Not better than she dances, I dare say; for dancing, I suspect, was +once one of her professions." + +"What nonsense is this Helen? and who has dared to give such an +erroneous and false impression of this admirable woman?" + +"Surely you must have perceived that De Walden meant to insinuate that +she and Annette Beauvais are the same person?" + +"Then he is a vile calumniator." + +"Not so: he is only a mistaken man." + +"But it seems you think he cannot be mistaken: he is an oracle!" + +"My love," replied I, "we had better not talk of De Walden." + +"You are right, Helen, quite right; for I am conscious of great +irritation when I think of him: for I feel, I cannot but feel, how much +more worthy of you he is than I am; and yet, foolish girl, you gave him +up for me. O Helen! when I saw him, impatient of affront to you, step +forward with that flashing eye, that commanding air, to seize the +offending brute, though I could have stabbed him, I could also have +embraced him; and I said within myself, 'And to this man Helen preferred +me! How she must repent her folly now!'" + +"She never has repented, she never can repent it," said I, throwing +myself upon his neck. "You know I took you with all your faults open to +my view." + +"Yes: but you fancied love and you would reform them!" + +"I did--and I think we may do so still: but you must not let me fancy +you do not love me, Seymour; if you do, I shall pine and mope, and +become the object of your aversion." + +"Impossible! do you think I can ever dislike you, Helen?" + +"Is thy servant a dog that he should do this thing?" said I, returning +his embrace. + +"I will hear no more of such horrible surmises: I have now outstaid my +time." + +Then mounting his horse, he was out of sight in a moment. + +Soon after my mother appeared, and, to my surprise, unaccompanied by De +Walden. + +"Where is our friend?" was my first salutation. + +"On the road to London." + +"London! And why?" + +"He had his reasons for going; and, as usual, they do honour both to his +head and heart." + +"May I not know them?" + +"I would not tell them to all women under your circumstances; but I can +trust you. He finds that he has not conquered his attachment; and that +he cannot behold the affecting change in your appearance, and reflect +on the cause, without feeling what his principles disapprove. Besides, +he is afraid of getting involved in a quarrel with Pendarves, as, I +suppose, you guess who this Lady Martindale is." + +"I do. Well, I am glad De Walden is gone; for I know Pendarves will +rejoice." + +I then related to her my conversation with my husband; and I did it +with so much cheerfulness, and such an evident revival of hope, that I +imparted some of the feelings which I experienced; and my mother's heart +was visibly softened towards Seymour, while she uttered, "Poor fellow! +he does indeed justly judge himself: you did prefer the brilliant to the +diamond. But where is he?" + +"Gone out with the party at the lodge on particular business; and will +not return till night." + +On hearing this my mother's countenance fell; and kissing my cheek, she +shook her head mournfully, and changed the conversation. + +Pendarves came home that evening in great spirits. Every thing was +arranged for the theatricals, and the play fixed upon. It was to be the +Belle's Stratagem, and he was to play Doricourt, a part he had often +played before. The part of Letitia Hardy, was given to a young lady who +was an actress on private theatres; and every part was filled but that +of Lady Frances Touchwood. + +"Oh, Helen!" cried he, "how happy should I be if you would give over all +your dismals, lay aside your scruples, and make me your slave for life, +by undertaking this mild and modest part!" + +"You bribe high," I replied (turning pale at the apprehension of any +thing so contrary to my habits and my sense of right): "but you know my +aversion to things of the sort." + +"I do: but I also know your high sense of a wife's duty; and that you +cannot but own a wife ought to obey her husband's will, when not +contrary to the will of God." + +"You seem to have high though just ideas of a wife's duty," said I, +smiling; "now, perhaps, you will favour me with your opinion of a +husband's duty." + +"Willingly. It is to wean a beloved wife, if possible, from gloomy +thoughts; to keep amusing company himself, and to make her join it: in +short, when he has engaged in private theatricals, it is his _duty_ +to get his wife to engage in them also: and if you think such things +dangerous to good morals, you are the more bound to engage in them, in +order to watch over _mine_." + +I suspected he was right, and that the general duty should, in this +instance, give way to the particular one; but I shrunk with aversion +from the long and intimate association with these disagreeable if not +disreputable people, to which it would oblige me; and after expressing +this dislike I begged time to consider of his request. + +The next day I went to consult my mother, who at first would not hear +the plan named, and declared that her child should not so far degrade +herself as to allow her person to be profaned by such familiarities as +acting must induce and she must suffer. But when I told her Mr. Oswald +was to act Sir George Touchwood, a quiet, elderly married man, she was +more reconciled to it on that score, but she disliked it as much as I +did on other grounds. However, having convinced myself, I at length +convinced her, that it was my duty to make myself as dear and as +agreeable to my husband as I could, and not leave him thus exposed to +the every day increasing fascinations of another woman. + +"But can you, my dear child," said she, "have fortitude enough to bear +for days together the sight of his attentions to your rival? Will it not +make you pettish, grave, and unamiable, and cloud your eyes in tears, +which will incense and not affect, because they will seem a reproach?" + +"It will be a difficult task, and a severe trial, I own; but I humbly +hope to be supported under it: and though the risk is great, the +ultimate success is worth the venture." + +"Helen," said my mother, "till now I thought my trials as a wife great, +and my duties severe; but I am convinced that they were easy to bear +and easy to perform, compared to what a fond wife feels, who is forced +to mask misery with smiles; to substitute undeserved kindness for just +reproach; and to submit even her own superior judgement, and her own +sense of right and wrong, to the will of her husband." + +"But, dear mother! I shall be repaid and rewarded at last!" + +"Repaid, rewarded, Helen! how? Who or what is to repay you? As well can +_assignats_ repay bullion, as the love of a being who has grossly erred +can reward that of one to whom error is unknown." + +"But he has not grossly erred; and if he had, I love him," cried I, +deeply wounded and appalled at the truth of what she said. + +"Ah! there it is," she replied; "and thus does love level all in their +turns; the weak with the strong, the sensible with the foolish. One +thing more, Helen, before you go--You shall have your mother's +countenance and presence to support you under your new trials: I will +condescend to invite myself to attend rehearsals, and I will be at the +representation." + +I received this offer with gratitude, and then returned to tell my +husband that I would perform the part of Lady Frances Touchwood. + +He was delighted with my compliance; and on making me read the part +aloud directly he declared that I should perform to admiration. + +"I should have played Letitia Hardy better," said I. + +"You! how conceited!" + +"I got that part by heart once, and I have often acted it quite through +for my own amusement when I was quite alone. But I prefer playing Lady +Frances now, for the days of my vanity are pretty well over." + +"No, no, child, they are only now beginning, according to this; and +little did I think I had married a great actress." + +Pendarves then departed in high spirits to his friends, and I sat down +to study my part. But bitter were the tears I shed over it. And was I, +so lately the mourner over a dying and a dead child, was I about to +engage in dissipations like these?--But humbly hoping my motive +sanctified my deed, I shook off overwhelming recollections, and resolved +to persevere in my new task. + +For some days, and till all was ready for rehearsals, Pendarves +rehearsed his part to me, and I to him; but at length he found it +pleasanter to have Lady Martindale hear him, he said, for her broken +English was so amusing. + +I could not oppose to this excellent reason my being a better judge of +his performance, but I was forced to submit in silence. Now, however, I +was soon called to rehearsals, and my mother was allowed to accompany +me. + +My first performance was wretched, and I thought Seymour looked ashamed +of me; but my mother said she should have been mortified if I had done +better the first time. The next I gained credit; but on the third day I +found the party in great distress. The Letitia Hardy had been sent for +to a dying father, and there was no one to undertake her part. You may +easily guess that Seymour immediately told tales of me, and I undertook +that prominent character: but I did not shrink from it, for my husband +was to act with me; and Letitia Hardy was not more eager to charm +Doricourt, than I to charm my husband. + +You know there is a minuet to be danced, and a song to be sung; and as +Le Piq and Madame Rossi were the first dancers when I was young, I had +taken lessons of both in London, and was said to dance a minuet well. +Pendarves was equally celebrated in that dance; and as we rehearsed +our minuet often at home, each declared the other perfect; nor was the +little song less warmly applauded, which I substituted for the original, +and adapted to a Scotch air. It applied to my own situation and feelings +as well as to those of the heroine, and was as follows: + + SONG. + + If now before this splendid throng + With timid voice, but daring aim, + I strive to wake my pensive song + And urge the minstrel's tuneful claim; + One wish alone the anxious task can move, + The wish to charm the ear of HIM I LOVE. + + If in the dance with eager feet + I seek a grace before unknown, + And dare the critic eye to meet, + Nor heed though scornful numbers frown; + This wish to fear superior bids me prove, + The wish to charm the eye of HIM I LOVE. + + And if, my woman's fears resign'd, + I thus my loved retirement leave, + My humble vest with roses bind, + And jewels in my tresses weave; + One wish alone could such vast efforts move, + The wish to _fix the heart_ of HIM I LOVE. + +The rehearsals meanwhile were pleasanter than I expected. My husband +was forced to be a great deal with me, as he had to rehearse so much +with me; and Lady Martindale chose to practise her ballet in her own +apartment, in sight of a long glass. Therefore I had not to bear, as +I expected, my husband's complete neglect; and I could smile at the +meanness which led her to come in while I was rehearsing, and lament, +as she looked on, loud enough for Seymour and me to hear, that the +_charmante_ Henrietta Goodwin was summoned away, and could not perform +the heroine, because she did it _a ravir_. I saw Pendarves change colour +often when she said this, and she said it daily; but as he thought I +much excelled Miss Goodwin, he attributed it to female envy, and perhaps +to jealousy of me as his wife. + +At length the first day of our theatricals took place, and a company far +more select and less numerous than I expected was assembled. My mother +had insisted on defraying my expenses, and both my dresses were elegant. +You must forgive my vanity when I say, that with rouge replacing my +natural bloom, and clad in a most becoming manner, I looked as young +and as well as when I married; while to my grateful joy my husband +seemed to admire me more than any one. Indeed he pronounced my whole +performance beyond praise, and I know not what any one else said. I made +one alteration, however, in the text on the night of representation, +which called down thunders of applause. The Author makes Letitia Hardy +say, that if her husband was unfaithful she would elope with the first +pretty fellow that asked her, while her feelings preyed on her life. I +could not make my lips utter such words as these; I therefore said, "I +would not elope like some women, &c. but would patiently endure my +sufferings, though my feelings preyed on my life." + +Seymour was so surprised, so confounded, and so affected, that he seized +my hand and pressed it to his heart and his lips before he could reply: +and my mother told me afterwards that she could scarcely controul her +emotions at a change so worthy of me, and so well-timed. The next +representation was deferred for a week; and, whatever was the reason, +Lady Martindale deferred any exhibition of herself to that future +opportunity. + +But the comfort and the joy of all to me was, that during this +intermediate week I recovered my husband; and with him some of my good +looks; while that odious lord would very fain have bestowed on me equal +attention to what Seymour had bestowed on his wife, and of a less +equivocal nature. + +Lord Charles Belmour at this period paid us an unexpected visit, having +entirely recovered from his late indisposition. I certainly was not +glad to see him, though I believed he regarded me with more kindness +than formerly, and he was evidently solicitous, by the most respectful +attentions, to conciliate the regard of my beloved mother. + +Out of compliment to Lord Charles, Seymour dined at home two days; but +on the third, he insisted on taking his friend to call at Oswald Lodge, +whose hospitable master had called on him, as soon as he heard of his +arrival, and was anxious to have the honour of his acquaintance. Lord +Charles thought the honour would be all on Mr. Oswald's side, and +probably the pleasure also; but he was at length prevailed on to return +the call, and to my great joy he returned wondering at Seymour's +infatuation in living so much with such a vulgar set; declaring, that +even the Lady Martindale had more the air of a French _petite maitresse_ +than of any thing akin to quality. He said this in my mother's presence +and mine, and he could not have made, I own, better court to either. + +"My daughter and I always thought so; and I am glad to have our +judgement confirmed by your lordship," answered my mother. "But my son +thinks differently." + +"I do indeed," said Pendarves blushing; "and when Lord Charles sees her +to advantage,--which he did not to-day,--he will not, I am sure, wonder +at my admiration." + +"Well, we shall see," said he; "but I trust I shall not change my mind, +if the future exhibitions of her exquisite ladyship be like that of +to-day. You were not there, ladies; therefore, for your amusement, +allow me to open my show-box and give you portraits of the inhabitants +of Oswald Lodge." + +He then stood up, and Mr. and Mrs. Oswald lived before us: air, voice, +attitude--all perfectly given. Then came Lord Martindale; and at these +pictures Pendarves laughed heartily: but when Lord Charles exhibited the +dog and lady by turns dancing, and sometimes barking for the one, and +throwing himself into attitudes and smiling for the other, my husband +looked much disconcerted, and said it was a gross caricature. But we did +not think it so; and though neither my mother nor myself approved such +exhibitions, and on principle discouraged them, still on this occasion +I must own they were very gratifying to me. But the feeling was an +unworthy one, and it was soon punished; for Seymour said with a look of +reproach, "You have mortified me, Helen: I had given you credit for more +generosity: I did not think you would thus enjoy a laugh at any one's +expense; especially that of one whose graces and talents you have +yourself acknowledged." + +I felt humbled and ashamed at the just reproof, though I thought he +should not thus have reproved me, and I was silent; but my mother +haughtily replied, "I am glad to hear you own you are mortified to find +your wife has some leaven of human frailty; as I am now for the first +time convinced that you appreciate her justly." + +"I have many faults," he replied; "but that of not valuing Helen as she +deserves was never one of them; and oh! how deeply do I feel and +bitterly lament that I am not more worthy of her and you!" + +My mother instantly held out her hand to him; while Lord Charles +exclaimed, "What a graceful and candid avowal! No wonder the offender +is so soon forgiven! But believe me, dear madam, there is no hope of +amendment from persons who are so ready to own their faults; for they +consider that candour makes amends for all their errors, and throws such +a charm over them, that they have no motive to improve, especially if +they are young and handsome like my friend here; for really he looked so +pretty, and modest and pathetic, that I wondered you only gave him your +hand to kiss." + +"Be quiet, Lord Charles; you are not a kind commentator." + +"But I am a just one. Oh! believe me, there is more hope of an ugly dog +like me, who can't look affecting, than of such a man as Seymour. I +cannot make error look engaging if I would, and therefore must reform +in good earnest when I wish to please." + +That night Seymour, who sat up with Lord Charles, did not come to bed +till some hours after me. I was awake when he entered the room, and +could not help asking him what had kept them up so late, anticipating +his answer only too well. "We sat up playing piquet," said he in a +cheerful voice; "and I am a great winner, Helen. If Lord Charles stays +some days, and plays as he did to-night, I am a made man: only think of +my winning a hundred pounds since you left us!" + +"But if Lord Charles should not always play as he did to-night, and you +should lose a hundred pounds, what is to become of you then?" + +"Psha, Helen! you are always so wise and cautious: there, there, go to +sleep, and do not alarm yourself concerning what may never happen." + +But I could not go to sleep, though I said no more; and I saw that our +guest would probably upset those resolutions to which Pendarves had for +some time adhered. True, he had not been tempted to break them; but had +his desire for play been strong, he could have sought means to indulge +it. He had not done so, and therefore I thought him cured; though, as +most persons have recourse to gaming merely to produce excitement, and +the stimulus of alternate hope and fear, I could not but see that Oswald +Lodge and Lady Martindale amply supplied to my husband the place of +play; and so that he was interested and amused, it mattered not whence +that feeling was derived. And this was he who had declared himself the +votary of domestic habits, home amusements and literary pursuits! But +now he was most unexpectedly and unnecessarily assailed; for he had not +gone to temptation, but it was come to him,--and my resolution was +taken. + +The next morning, while we were at breakfast, a chaise stopped at our +door. It was sent from Oswald Lodge, to convey my husband thither +immediately; as a note from Lady Martindale informed him, that she could +not make arrangements for the next evening's exhibition without his +advice and assistance: for nobody, she added, had any taste but himself. + +This note Lord Charles playfully snatched from him, and would read +aloud, much to Seymour's annoyance; as, though the language was elegant, +there was not a word spelt right, and every rule of grammar was +violated. + +"The education of this well born lady was much neglected, I see," said +Lord Charles: "would she could spell as well as she can flatter!" + +He then read the concluding compliment aloud. + +"_C'est un peu fort,_" he observed, returning the note; which Seymour +angrily observed he ought not to have allowed him to read. + +"Well; but you obey the summons, I suppose?" + +"Certainly." + +"And when may we hope to see you again?" + +"As soon as I can get away." + +"That may not be till bed-time." + +"Impossible! have I not promised to give you your revenge this evening?" + +"Yes; but when a lady's in the case--" + +"Nonsense! I shall return to dinner." + +"And not before? How mortifying it is to me to see that you are not +afraid of leaving me so many hours at liberty to pay court to your +wife,--with whom, you know, I am desperately in love!" + +"If my wife were not what she is, I should be so; and my confidence, I +assure you, is not in you, but in her." + +"Besides, we shall not be alone, my lord, for I am going to challenge +you," said I, "to call on my mother." + +"Agreed! And now I am flattered. Your lady, you see, thinks me a more +formidable person than you do. Suppose, my dear lady, that we go off +together, only to punish him for his weak confidence?" + +"We will consider of it," said I, laughing; "and in the meanwhile we +will visit my mother." + +My husband then drove off and I prepared for my walk.--When I returned, +I found Lord Charles walking up and down the room, and with a thoughtful +disturbed countenance. + +"Mrs. Pendarves," cried he, "I have no patience with that infatuated +husband of yours! Here am I come on purpose to see him and for a short +time only, and yet, at the call of this equivocal French peeress, he +leaves me, and has the indecorum, too, to go away and leave me with +his beautiful wife! Tell me, do you not believe in love-powders and +philters? for surely some must have been administered to him." + +"Not necessarily: my ill-health, the consequence of sorrow, and that +sorrow itself made poor Seymour's home uncomfortable to him; he did +not like to see me suffer, therefore he acquired a habit of seeking +amusement elsewhere; and the flatteries and invitations of these gay and +agreeable people have at last obtained a complete ascendency over him." + +"That I see; and such people too! And to think of what the foolish man +leaves! Mrs. Pendarves, I think that if I had had such a wife as his, I +could not have left my home as he does." + +"Lord Charles," replied I, "this is language which I will not listen +to; but I laugh at your self-deception. The habits of all men of the +world are similar, and alike powerful, and your wife would be left as I +am: but I assure you that I am convinced my husband loves me tenderly +notwithstanding; and I am trying, by conforming to his habits, to make +myself as agreeable to him as others are." + +Lord Charles seemed about to break into violent exclamations of some +kind or other; but I stopped him, and begged to lead the way to my +mother's. He bowed respectfully, and followed me: then taking his arm, I +tried to begin the conversation I meditated; and luckily he made my task +easy by saying, "I conclude Pendarves told you how completely he beat me +at cards last night? But he has promised to give me my revenge to-night. +The truth is, I have not played picquet these two years; but before I +leave you, I expect to recover my knowledge, and to turn my visit to +account: for I have been very unsuccessful at Brookes's lately." + +I now stopped, and said, "Hear me, Lord Charles! I believe that you can +be a kind and honourable man, and that you are really disposed to be a +friend to me." + +"To be sure--to be sure I am." + +"I feel, I own, your power to be my foe in many essential points, but I +am equally sure that you can be my friend if you choose; and I request +you, if you value my peace of mind, not to tempt my husband to renew +that habit and fondness for play, which he had lost, which he cannot +afford to indulge, and which, I assure you, has impoverished and +distressed us." + +"You amaze me! Impoverished!" + +"Yes; we have been forced to part with our horses and dismiss servants. +Surely, therefore, it would not be the part of a friend to lure +Pendarves to the risk of losing a hundred pounds a-night. My lord, I +throw myself on your generosity, and say no more." + +"You have said enough; and the admirable wife's prudence shall make +amends for the rashness of her husband. Besides, I am so flattered by +your confidence in me! At last to find you considering me as a friend, +and asking assistance from me as a friend! I protest I am more flattered +by your friendship than I should be by the love of twenty other +women.--Take my revenge! No, indeed. He shall keep his hundred pounds: +'I will none of it.'" + +"Hold; not so: play with him this evening; but whether you win or lose, +declare you will play no more. I would rather you should win back the +money, and even more; for it may be dangerous to Seymour to feel himself +enriched by play, and he may go on, though not with you: but after this +evening, forbear." + +"Excellent! excellent! O that ever I should come hither! I shall be a +lost man: for I shall fancy it so charming a thing to have a wife to +take care of me, that I shall marry, and find too late there is only +one Helen Pendarves!--But tell me, do you wish me to go away to-day, +to-morrow, or when--in order to put you out of your pain?" + +"By no means: I rely implicitly on your promise; and I owe it to you to +assure you, Lord Charles, that your company is most welcome to me, and +that I shall not forget your kindness." + +I now offered him my hand, which he was going to kiss; but suddenly +dropping it, he said, "No--no; take it away.--You must not be too good +to me: I am not a man to be trusted with much flattery and kindness: +for, ugly as I am, the women have so spoiled me, that I may fancy even +you are kind to me '_pour l'amour des mes beaux yeux_,'"[6] opening his +gooseberry eyes as wide as he could, and in a manner so irresistibly +comic, that I gave way to that laughter which he delighted to excite. I +therefore entered my mother's parlour looking more animated than usual, +and she looked most graciously on my companion as the cause: but she +seemed displeased when she found Pendarves was gone to Oswald Lodge, and +had left me to entertain his noble guest. + + [Footnote 6: For the love of my fine eyes.] + +I now took my departure, having some poor cottagers to visit. When I +came back, I saw by the thoughtful brow and flushed cheek of both, that +their conversation had been of a very interesting nature; and I also saw +that there was an air of confiding intimacy between them, which I never +expected to see between two persons so little accordant in habits and +sentiments. + +But every human being has a capacity for good as well as evil, and +the great difference in us all results chiefly, I believe, from the +favourable or unfavourable circumstances in which we are placed. Lord +Charles had been so circumstanced, that his capacity for evil alone had +been cultivated; and till he knew my mother and myself, he had never met +in women any other description of companions than those whom he courted, +conquered, and despised,--and those whose rigid morals and disagreeable +manners threw him haughtily at a distance, and made him hate virtue for +their sakes. But now, trusted, noticed, liked by women of a different +kind, his good feelings were awakened; and while with us, he really was +the amiable being which he might, differently situated, have always +been. + +"I love to be with you," said he to us: "your influence is so beneficial +over me, and you wrap me in such a pleasing illusion! for while I am +with you I fancy myself as good as you are: but when I go away, I shall +be just as bad again.--Well; have you nothing to say in reply? How +disappointed I am! for I thought you would in mercy have exclaimed, +'Then stay here for ever!' Would I could!" + +And indeed, when he did go, I missed him.--But to return to the place +whence I digressed. Pendarves came home time enough to take a ride with +Lord Charles, but he took care to let him see that he expected more +attention from him. That evening he challenged my husband to picquet; +and having won back nearly the whole of what he had lost, positively +declined playing any more: and, much to Seymour's vexation, he would not +play again while he staid. The second night's performances at Oswald +Lodge now took place; but though Lord Charles staid to be present at +them, he could not help expressing his astonishment to me, when alone, +that a modest, respectable gentlewoman like myself should ever have +joined in them, and that my husband should have permitted it. + +"It is very well for these fiddling, frolicking, fun-hunting Oswalds," +said he, "to fill their house with persons and things of this sort, +and rant and roar, and kick and jump, and make fools and tumblers of +themselves and such of their guests as like it: but never did I expect +to see the dignified and retiring Helen Pendarves exhibiting her person +on a stage, and levelling herself to a Lady Martindale. As your friend, +your adoring friend, I tell you, that such an exhibition degrades you." + +"It would do so were it my choice, but it is my necessity; and the +fulfilment of a painful duty exalts rather than degrades." + +"Duty!" + +"Yes; my husband required me to act, and I obeyed." + +"I understand you. Oh! what a rash, ill-judging being he is! But I beg +your pardon, and will say no more. Yet I must add, you are justified; +but alas! what can justify him?" + +This conversation did not give me any additional courage to undertake +and execute my task; especially as I had no reputation as an actress to +lose, and other circumstances increased my timidity.--Lady Martindale +had purposely reserved all her powers for this evening, and, as she +herself said, she was very glad to have her performance witnessed by +such a judge as Lord Charles Belmour--a man whose opinion, she knew, was +looked up to in all circles as decisive, with regard to beauty, grace, +and talents. No wonder, therefore, that to throw her spells round him +was become the object of her ambition. Hitherto he had avoided her, and +she seemed conscious that he did not admire her. Her only hope was, I +believe, therefore, to charm him at once by a _coup de theatre_; and +while she convinced Pendarves that for him alone she should exert her +various powers, her fascinating graces were in reality aimed at Lord +Charles: so I thought and suspected,--and though jealousy blinds, it +also very often enlightens. + +She was to begin the entertainments by acting a French proverb with a +French gentleman, an _emigre_, who was staying at the house; and having +no doubt of her transcendent powers, I felt very reluctant to enter +into competition with her. Yet, was not the prize for which I strove +my husband's admiration? But then was I not degrading myself from the +dignity of a wife and a private gentlewoman, by putting myself into a +competition like this? The question was difficult to answer, and while I +was thus ruminating, the curtain drew up. + +I shall not describe her performance: suffice, that the exhibition was +perfect. The dialogue was epigrammatic, and the scenes too short to let +the attention flag. Every word, every gesture, every look told; and the +curtain dropped amidst the loudest applauses. + +I could only see from the side-scene; but I saw enough to make me feel +my own inferiority, and I went on for Letitia Hardy in a tremor of +spirits of which I was quite ashamed; nor could the kindest of the +audience applaud me, except from pity and the wish to encourage me; +while I saw that Lord Charles could not even do that, and sat silent, +and, I thought, uneasy. However, I recovered myself in the masquerade +scene, though my voice when I sung still trembled with emotion; and now +I was overwhelmed with plaudits, and even Lord Charles seemed pleased; +for, as I was masked, I could examine the audience. + +Still the play went off languidly after the lively petite piece, and I +saw I had mortified my husband's vanity, which my first performance had +gratified. + +Much impatience was expressed for the next entertainment, which was +Rouseau's Pygmalion. Pygmalion by the French Marquis; the Statue, by +Lady Martindale. This was received with delight; and I saw that the +beautiful statue, whose exquisite proportions were any thing but +concealed by the dress she wore, absorbed completely the attention +of Pendarves; and when she left the stage apparently exhausted, how +different were the look and manner with which he led her to her +dressing-room, to those with which he had so handed me! + +"Why, why," said I to myself, "did I attempt a comparison, in which I +was sure to fail?" But if I had erred, I had meant well, and my mother +had approved my conduct, and that must console me under my want of +success; for, instead of winning Seymour back, I now saw that, feeling +my rival's superiority over me, he would be more her slave than ever. + +The whole concluded with a ballet of action, a monodrame, by Lady +Martindale, to which I was too uncomfortable to attend; but what I saw I +thought admirable. She pretended to be overcome with fatigue when it was +ended, and fell into my husband's arms, who in his alarm called me to +her assistance. I went; but her lip retained its glowing hue, and I saw +in her illness nothing but a new attitude, and that the statue was now +recumbent. Having been long enough contemplated in this posture, she +opened her eyes, fixed them with a dying look on Pendarves, and then +desired him to lead her to her apartment: whence she returned attired in +a splendid mantle, which seemed in modesty thrown over her statue dress, +but which coquettishly displayed occasionally the form it seemed +intended to hide. + +I never saw Lord Charles so disconcerted as he was during the whole of +the time. He could not bear to praise the heroine of the evening, yet +he felt that praise was her due. Nor could he bear either to find fault +with or to praise _me_. In this dilemma, he seemed to think it was +best to be silent; and drawing himself up, he entrenched himself in +the consciousness that he was Lord Charles Belmour. But while Lady +Martindale leaned on Seymour on one side and I on the other, as we +were awaiting the summons to supper, surrounded by our flatterers, one +glance at my dejected countenance brought back his kinder feelings; and +turning to my mother, who held his arm, he said, "Shall I tell your fair +daughter how enchanted I was with the masquerade scene?" + +"I assure you," said Seymour, "Helen did not do herself justice +to-night: she did not act as well as she can act." + +"I should have been very sorry, so much do I esteem her, to have +seen her act better," was his cold reply. "Would you have your wife, +Pendarves, perform as well as a professional person, and as if she had +been brought up on the stage?" + +"I would wish my wife to do well whatever she undertakes," replied +Seymour. + +"And so she does, and so she _did_; but if you do not love her the +better (as I am sure you do) for the graceful timidity which she +displayed, I could not esteem you." + +Lady Martindale, who watched his very look, now bit her lip, and +Seymour did not look pleased. My mother owned afterwards, that what +with pinching Lord Charles's arm, to see how Lord and Lady Martindale +both were confused by the first part of his speech, and squeezing it +affectionately from delight at the last, she is very sure Lord Charles +carried her marks with him to London. _I_ too could scarcely keep the +grateful tears from flowing down my cheeks, which his well timed +kindness brought into my eyes: but I saw that my expression was not lost +upon him. + +Seymour led Lady Martindale to the head of the supper table, and Lord +Charles on account of his rank was forced to sit next her. + +"Painful pre-eminence!" he whispered to my mother, who, as I was one of +the queens of the night, insisted on my taking her place on the other +side. Lord Martindale seated himself next me; and Seymour took the seat +vacant by Lady Martindale. As Lord Charles scarcely noticed her, except +as far as civility commanded, Lady Martindale soon turned her back on +him, and Seymour and she seemed to forget any one else was present. + +Lord Charles endeavoured by the most unremitting attentions to conceal +from me what must, he knew, distress me. But he could not do it: I +heard every whisper of their softened voices, and I dare say my uneasy +countenance was a complete and whimsical contrast to that of Lord +Martindale, who seemed perfectly easy under circumstances which would +have distressed most men, and talked and laughed with every one in his +turn. + +The Lord and Lady of the feast, who were never tired of exhibitions, +now began their usual demands on the talents of their guests, and were +importunate in soliciting several of them to sing, a custom which I +usually think "more honoured in the breach than the observance;" but on +this occasion it was welcome to me, especially as I knew that it must +for a time interrupt Seymour's attention to Lady Martindale. But as the +hypochondriac, when he reads a book on diseases, always finds his own +symptoms in every case before him, so I in the then existing state of +my feelings always brought home every thing I heard or read to my own +heart; and two of the songs which were sung that night accorded so well +with my own state of mind, that I felt the tears come into my eyes as I +listened; and during the following one Pendarves sighed so audibly, that +I imagined he felt great sympathy with the sentiments; and that idea +increased my suffering:-- + + SONG. + + O that I could recall the day + When all my hours to thee were given, + And, as I gazed my soul away, + Thou wert my treasure, world, and heaven! + + Then time on noiseless pinions flew, + And life like one bright morning beam'd: + Then love around us roses threw, + Which ever fresh and fragrant seem'd. + And are these moments gone for ever? + And can they ne'er return? NO NEVER. + + For oh! that cruel traitor Time, + Although he might unheeded move, + Bore off our YOUTH'S luxuriant prime, + And _also_ stole the _bloom of_ LOVE. + + Yet still the thought of raptures past + Shall gild life's dull remaining store, + As sinking suns a _splendour_ cast + On scenes their _presence lights_ no more. + + But are those raptures gone for ever? + And will they ne'er return? NO NEVER. + +The other song was only in unison with my feelings in the last lines of +the last verse. Still, while my morbid fancy made me consider them as +the expression of my own sentiments, I listened with such a tell-tale +countenance, that my delicacy was wounded; for I saw that my emotion was +visible to those who sat opposite to me. + +The song was as follows:-- + + FAIREST, SWEETEST, DEAREST, + + A SONG. + + + "Say, by what name can I impart + My sense, dear girl, of what thou art? + Nay, though to frown thou darest, + I'll say thou art of _girls the pride_: + And though that modest lip may chide, + Mary! I'll call thee 'FAIREST.' + + "Yet no--that word can but express + The soft and winning loveliness + In which the sight thou meetest. + But not thy heart, thy temper too, + So good, so sweet--Ha! that will do! + Mary! I'll call thee 'SWEETEST.' + + "But 'fairest, sweetest,' vain would be + To speak the love I feel for thee: + Why smilest thou as thou hearest?" + "Because," she cried, "one little name + Is all I wish from thee to claim-- + That _precious_ name is 'DEAREST.'" + +You will not, I conclude, imagine that I remember these songs only from +having heard them that night, especially as they have very little merit; +but the truth is, I was so pleased with them, because I fancied them +applicable to my own feelings, that I requested them of the gentlemen +who sung, and they were given to me. + +Lord Charles meanwhile listened to the singing with great impatience, as +he had had enough of the company, which was very numerous, and by no +means as select as it had been before. Indeed at one table were many +persons in whom the observant eye of Lord Charles discovered associates +whose evident vulgarity made him feel himself out of his place. However, +he could not presume to break up the party; and as our indefatigable +host and hostess still kept forcing the talents of their guests into +their service, song succeeded to song, and duet to duet. From one of the +latter, however, sung by a lady and gentleman, I at length derived a +soothing feeling; and in one moment, an observation of Seymour's, with, +as I fancied, a correspondent and intended expression of countenance, +removed a load from my heart, and my clouded brow became consciously to +myself unclouded again. + +The words of this healing duet were as follows:-- + + DUET. + + "Say, why art thou pensive, beloved of my heart? + Indeed I am happy wherever thou art: + My eyes I confess toward others may rove, + But never, believe me, with wishes of love. + And trust me, however my _glances_ may roam, + Of them, and _my heart_, THOU ALONE ART THE HOME!" + + ANSWER. + + "Perhaps I am wrong thus dejected to be; + But my faithful eyes never wander from _thee_. + On beauty and youth _I unconsciously_ gaze, + No thought, no emotion in me they can raise; + And ah! if thine eyes get the habit to roam, + How can I _be certain_ they'll EVER COME HOME?" + + "Oh! trust thy own charms! See the bee as he flies, + And visits each blossom of exquisite dies; + There culls of their sweetness some store for his cell; + But short are his visits, and prompt his farewell; + For still he remembers, howe'er he may roam, + That _hoard of delight_ which AWAITS HIM AT HOME. + + "Then trust me, however thy Henry may roam, + I feel my best pleasures AWAIT ME AT HOME." + + "I'll try to believe, howsoever thou roam, + Thy heart's dearest pleasures await thee at home." + +"That is a charming duet," cried Seymour when it was ended. Then leaning +behind Lady Martindale and Lord Charles, and calling to me, he said, +with a look from which my conscious eye shrunk, "Helen, I admire the +sentiment of that duet. I think, my love, we will get it--we should sing +it _con amore_, should we not?" I could not look at him as I replied, +"_I_ could, I am sure." + +"Silly girl," he added in a low and kind tone, "and so, I am sure, could +I." + +I then ventured to raise my eyes to his; and his expression was such, +that I felt quite a different creature, and was able to enjoy the rest +of the evening. + +But why do I enter into these minute and unimportant details? Let me +efface them--but no, perhaps they may chance to meet the eyes of some +whose hearts have felt the anxieties and the vicissitudes of mine, and +to them they may be interesting. + +Lord Martindale was now requested to favour the company with a song, +and with great good nature he instantly complied;--while Lord Charles +whispered across me to my mother, "What a disgrace that fellow is to the +peerage!" + +"By his vices I grant you," replied my mother, "but not by his obliging +compliance." + +Lord Charles shrugged up his shoulders and was about to reply, when +Silence was vociferated rather angrily by the lady of the house, who had +not been blind to the airs which, as she said, Lord Charles had given +himself the whole evening. Lord Martindale, as may be supposed, was +greatly applauded, on the same principle as that mentioned by the poet +with regard to noble authors: + + "For if a lord once own the happy lines, + How the wit brightens! how the taste refines!" + +and the noisy expressions of admiration which rewarded a very mediocre +performance did not increase the good humour of our noble guest, against +whom I saw an attack preparing at the bottom of the table. At length +a very pretty girl, and who had sung with considerable skill, tried +to engage the attention of Lord Charles; and finding "Sir" was not +sufficient, she added "Mr. Belmour, Sir!" But some one whispered, "He is +a Lord;" on which she said, "Dear me! Well then, My lord, Lord Belmour;" +and Lord Charles turned towards the pretty speaker, while a half-muttered +"Vulgar animal!" was audible to my mother and myself, and formed a +ludicrous contrast to the affectedly respectful attention and bent head +with which he listened to what she had to observe. + +But when he found that the young lady was requesting him to sing, and +that she declared she had a claim on him, his expression of mingled +_hauteur_, astonishment, and indignation, was highly comic, and we who +knew him were eagerly expecting his answer, when we heard him say, +having bowed and smirked his hand affectedly to his heart at the same +time, "with the greatest pleasure in life;--which wine, claret or +Champagne?" + +"Dear me," cried the young lady, "I did not ask you to drink, but to +sing, my lord." + +"Oh! Champagne; very good. Carry a glass to that young lady:" but she +indignantly rejected it, and repeated her request. + +"I beg pardon," replied the impracticable Lord Charles, "I thought you +said Champagne: then take claret to the young lady," who in vain exerted +her voice. He remained quite deaf, holding his ear like a deaf person, +much to the amusement of the company and the confusion of the fair +supplicant, who had been encouraged by the admiring glances which Lord +Charles had till now bestowed on her, to think that any request from her +would have been attended to. + +Thus far Lord Charles's endangered dignity had come off with flying +colours, as it was no great affront to be requested to sing by a pretty +girl, even though she had told him that he had a singing face, and +looked like a singer; for the turn which he had given to her application +got the laugh on his side, and he was very sure that she would not so +presume again. But he was not to be let off so easily; for Mr. Oswald, +who, being almost "as drunk as a lord," felt himself quite as great as +one, now came behind Lord Charles, and giving him a sounding blow across +the back, exclaimed with an oath, "Come, now, Belmour, there is a good +fellow, do sing, for I have heard you are a comical dog when you like." + +If a look could have annihilated, that instant would the little fat man +have disappeared from off the face of the earth. The glance of Lord +Charles was powerless even to wound Mr. Oswald; and he was equally +unmoved when, scorning even to answer his importunate host, our friend +suddenly addressed my mother, saying, "I think, Mrs. Pendarves, you +desired me to call your carriage?" + +"You are mistaken, my lord," replied my mother, with a reproving +look which he well understood; and his tormentor was going to assail +him again, when Seymour, to relieve Lord Charles, drew him into +conversation; and I had just advised his still irritated guest to +remember that Oswald was intoxicated, when our attention was attracted +to a conversation between Mrs. Oswald and another lady, of which Lord +Charles was the subject; and it was evident that Mrs. Oswald spoke of +him in no friendly tone. + +"Yes, my lord," said she, "you may look; we were certainly talking of +your lordship." + +"You do me much honour, madam." + +"That is as it may be, my lord; but I was trying to do you justice, for +my friend said it was pride that prevented your singing; but _I_ said--" +(and here she raised her voice to a shriller and more ludicrous pitch +than usual) "yes, I said, says I, 'That is impossible, my dear; it +cannot be pride; for if a real peer of the realm,' says I, 'the real +thing, condescends to sing and amuse the company, surely Lord Charles +Belmour need not be above it, who is only a commonly called, you know.'" + +Instantly, to my consternation, and afterwards to his own, Lord Charles, +thrown off his guard by this sarcasm, echoed her last words, and gave +her tone and manner so exactly, that the effect upon the company was +irresistible, and a general laugh ensued; which, to do him justice, +shocked more than it gratified the self-condemned mimic, who could only +for a moment be provoked to violate the rules of good breeding; and he +was completely subdued, when Mrs. Oswald, with a degree of forbearance +and good-humour which exalted her in my esteem, observed, "Well, my +lord, you have condescended to exert your talent of mimicry, though you +would not sing; and though it was at my expense, I am grateful to you, +as you have contributed to amuse my company." + +"Admirably replied!" exclaimed my mother. + +"Excellent, excellent, bravo!" cried Pendarves; while Lord Charles, +admonished, penitent and ashamed, was not slow to redeem himself from +the sort of disgrace which he had incurred. Rising gracefully and +bowing his head on his clasped hands, he solicited her pardon for the +liberty which her evident nature had emboldened him to take, declaring +at the same time, that if she forgave him, it would be long before he +should forgive himself. + +Mrs. Oswald, who was really as kind-hearted as she seemed, readily +granted the pardon which he asked, and he respectfully pressed her +offered hand to his lips. He did more; for while the carriages were +called, he suddenly disappeared, and in a moment we could have fancied +ourselves at the door of Drury-lane or Covent-garden; for the offered +services of link-boys, the cries of "Coach, coach," and "Here, your +honour," with all the different sounds, were heard in the hall; and +while the guests listened delighted to this new and unexpected +entertainment, the Oswalds were, I saw, evidently gratified at finding +that it proceeded from the talent of Lord Charles. O the unnecessary +humiliation to which pride exposes itself! Had he civilly though firmly +refused the young lady's and Mr. Oswald's request to sing, and not +discovered in the evening his haughty contempt for the company and his +host, or insulted his hostess, he needed not to have condescended to an +expiatory exhibition from which under other circumstances his pride +would have properly revolted. + +Thus ended this to me disagreeable evening, which extended far into +the morning. The drive home was pleasant; for Lord Charles, having +reconciled himself to himself by his ample _amende honorable_, and by +the generous candour with which he received our reproofs, thought he +was privileged to indulge his less amiable feelings by turning some of +the company into ridicule, and exhibiting them to the very life before +us. I must own that I again felt an ungenerous pleasure in some part of +the entertainment, namely his mimicry of Lady Martindale, which I vainly +endeavoured to subdue, and I was glad that, as Pendarves rode on the +box, he did not witness my degradation. I must add, that both my mother +and myself were gratified to observe that Lord Charles forbore to mimic +our kind but vulgar host and hostess; and my mother took care to let him +know indirectly that his delicacy was not lost upon her. + +Another performance was fixed for that day week; the original Letitia +Hardy, however, was expected, and most gladly did I offer to resign my +part to her. Still, I was mortified to see with how little concern +Pendarves heard me offer my resignation, and saw it accepted. Alas! +not even Lord Charles's and my mother's joy at my being removed from a +situation which they thought unworthy of me, could reconcile me to his +indifference on the subject. + +The next day Lord Charles was to leave us; but I saw that his departure +was more welcome to my husband than to my mother and myself. In the +morning he had requested Pendarves to walk with him round the grounds, +and they returned, I observed, with disturbed countenances. + +Lord Charles then called, and sat some time with my mother. What passed +between them I do not know; but their parting was even affectionate, +and his with me was distinguished from all our other partings by a +degree of emotion for which I could not account. + +"How I shall miss you!" said I, softened by his dejection. + +"Thank you! I can bear better to leave you now:" and springing into his +carriage he drove off and I felt forlorn; for I felt that I had lost a +friend: and I also felt that I wanted one who, like him, had some check +over my husband. + +What more shall I say of this painful period of my life, for which, +however, painful as it was, I would gladly have exchanged that which +soon followed? One day was a transcript of the other. Pendarves, ever +good-natured and kind while he was at home, seemed to think that he was +thereby justified in leaving me continually; but as I was not of that +opinion, to use a French phrase, _je deperissois a vue d'oeil;_ and +though I affected to be cheerful, my mother saw that my feelings were +undermining my existence. But not even to her would I complain of my +husband and she respected my silence too much to wish me to break it. +However she was with me,--she, I felt, never would forsake me, or love +me less; and while I had her, I was far from being completely miserable. +Alas! what was she not to me? friend, counsellor, comforter! + +But the decree was gone forth, and even her I was doomed to resign! + +Not long after Lord Charles had quitted us, I perceived a visible +alteration in my mother's appearance. I saw that she ate little, that +she was very soon fatigued, and that her fine spirits were gone. I had +no doubt but that she fretted for my anxieties. I therefore laboured the +more to convince her that I was not as uneasy as she thought me. + +But how vainly did I try to veil my heart from her penetrating glance! +if there be such a thing as the art of divination, it is possessed by +the eagle eye of interested affection, and that was hers. + +My mother saw all my secret struggles; she pitied, she resented their +cause; and I have sometimes feared that she sunk under them. + +One morning, Pendarves on his return from Oswald Lodge came in with a +very animated countenance, and told us a new description of amusement +was introduced there, namely, archery, and he must beg me to go with him +the next day, and learn to be an archer. "Lady Martindale," cried he, +"already shoots like Diana herself." + +"The only resemblance, I should think," said my mother, "which she has +to Diana. But what do you say to this proposal, Helen? I must take leave +to say that, as your mother, you can never go to Oswald Lodge again with +my consent on any terms: and to engage in this new competition, oh! +never, never!" + +"And why not, madam? There is nothing indelicate in such an exhibition; +and I own my pride in Helen, as a husband, made me wish to see her fine +form exhibited in the graceful action of shooting at a target. Besides, +as I really wish if possible to associate her in all my amusements, I +was delighted to think this new pursuit would have led her to join me +in my visits to the Lodge, and I am really desirous to know on what +grounds you object to her obliging me." + +"On account of the company there. Mr. and Mrs. Oswald are weak, vain +people, fond of courting persons of quality; and so as they can but be +intimate with a Lord and Lady, they care not of what description they +are. This Lord Martindale is, I find, a man not much noticed by his +equals; and as to Lady Martindale, the woman who could so expose her +person in the dress of a Statue is not a fit companion for my daughter, +nor your wife." + +"You are severe, madam; but what says Helen?" + +"That my mother does not make sufficient allowances for the difference +of manners and ideas between a French and an English woman; and that +the dress which shocks us in the former does not necessarily prove +incorrectness of conduct." + +"Incorrectness of conduct! and can your mother suppose I would introduce +my wife to a woman whom I knew to be incorrect in her conduct?" + +"No, Seymour, no: I do you more justice. But it is my duty to inform you +that it is suspected this person is Lord Martindale's mistress only, not +his wife." + +"Not his wife!" interrupted Seymour. + +"No, so I am informed. As to him, you know his character is so infamous +that one can wonder at nothing he does; and he has been suspected of +being a spy for the French convention, as well as the lady." + +"Madam," said Seymour, "I thought you had been above listening to tales +like these, and I cannot think myself justified in acting upon them. On +the contrary, by taking my wife to the Lodge, I think it right to show +my disregard of them, especially as by staying away, and by her distant +manner when there, Helen has already injured the character of Lady +Martindale, and made even my attentions to her the source of calumny. +This the afflicted lady told me with tears and lamentations, and Helen's +renewed visits can alone repair the injury her absence has done." + +"So, then, this is the real reason of your wishing to make Helen a +sharer in your amusements, and to exhibit her fine form to advantage!" +exclaimed my mother indignantly. "But, Mr. Pendarves, if your constant +visits are injurious to the fame of this afflicted lady, you know your +remedy--discontinue them; for never, with my consent, shall my virtuous +daughter lend her assistance to shield any one from the infamy which +they deserve." + +"Deserve, madam!" cried Seymour, as indignant as she was: "repeat +that, and, spite of the love and reverence I bear you, I shall exert +a husband's lawful authority, and see who dares dispute it." + +"Not I," she replied, folding her arms submissively on her breast, "and +still less that poor trembling girl. No, Pendarves, my only resource now +is supplication and entreaty: and I conjure you, by the dear name of +your beloved mother, and by the memory of past fond and endearing +circumstances, and hours, to grant the prayer of a dying woman, and not +to force your wife to this abode of revelry and riot. I feel my days +are already numbered; and when I am taken from you, bitter will be your +recollections if you refuse, my son, and soothing if you grant my +prayer. I know you, Seymour, and I know that you cannot do any great +cruelty without great remorse." + +It was some moments before Pendarves could speak; at length he +said--"Your request alone would have been sufficient, without your +calling up such agonizing ideas. Helen, my best love, tell your mother +you shall never go to Oswald Lodge again." He then put his handkerchief +to his eyes, and rushed out of the room. + +"The foolish boy's heart is in the right place still," said my mother, +giving way to tears, but smiling at the same time. + +But I, alas! could neither smile nor speak. She had called herself a +dying woman; and through the rest of the day I could do nothing but +look at and watch her, and go out of the room to weep; and my night +was passed in wretchedness and prayer. + +The next day I found my husband cold and sullen in manner; and I +suspected that, having engaged to bring me to Oswald Lodge, he was +mortified and ashamed to go thither without me, and would, I doubted +not, make some excuse for my staying away which was not strictly true. + +No one could feel more strongly or more virtuously than Pendarves: but +good feelings, unless they are under the guard of strict principles, are +subject to run away when summoned by the voice of pleasure and of error: +and before he set off for the archery ground, he told me he sincerely +repented his promise to my mother. + +I did not reply, but shook my head mournfully. + +"Psha!" said he, "that ever a fine woman like you, Helen, should wish to +appear in her husband's eyes little better than a constant _memento +mori_! Helen, an arrow cannot fly as far in a wet as in a dry air; and a +laughing eye hits where a tearful one fails. You see I already steal my +metaphors from my new study. But, good bye, sweet Helen! and when I +return let me find you a little less dismal." + +This was not the way to make me so; nor were his daily visits at this +seducing house, which began in the morning, and lasted till he came home +to dress for dinner; he then returned thither to stay till evening. At +last he chose to dress there, and he did not return till night; nor, +perhaps, would he have done that, had there not been some house-breaking +in our neighbourhood, and he was afraid of leaving the house so +ill-defended. I think that pique and resentment had some share in making +him thus increase in the length as well as constancy of his visits; for +I saw but too clearly that he continued offended with my poor mother: +and I doubted not but that he had owned she was the cause of my refusal +to visit at the house, and that Lady Martindale had added full force to +this bitter feeling. + +But he soon lost all resentment against my beloved parent.--Not very +long after his painful conversation with her I was summoned to her, as +she was too ill to rise, and had sent for medical advice. + +"Go for my husband instantly," cried I. + +"My mistress forbade me go for him," replied her faithful Juan (one of +my father's manumised slaves), "and I canno go." + +"Then she does not think very ill of herself?" said I. + +"No, but I think very bad indeed." + +And when I saw her, my fears were as strongly excited. + +"I am going, I am going fast, my child," said she: "but I do not wish to +have Pendarves sent for yet: I wish to have you a little while without +any divided feelings, and all my own once more; when he comes, the wife +will seduce away the child." + +"How can you think so?" said I, giving way to an agony of grief; "and +how can you be so barbarous as to tell me you are dying?" + +"My poor child! I wished long ago to prepare you, but you would not be +prepared. For your sake I still wished to live. You would have better +spared me years ago, Helen! but this is cruel; and I will try to behave +better." + +As soon as her physician arrived, and had felt her pulse, I saw by his +countenance that he was considerably alarmed; and the first feeling of +my heart was to send for my husband, for him on whom I had been +accustomed to rely in the hour of affliction. But I dared not, after +what had passed! and I tried to rally all the powers of my mind to meet +the impending evil, while I raised my thoughts to Him who listens to the +cry of the orphan. + +The physician had promised to come again in the evening. He did so; and +then I learnt that there was indeed no hope; and I also learnt, by the +agony of that moment, that I had in reality hoped till then; and, more +like an automaton then aught alive, I sat by the fast exhausting +sufferer. + +Pendarves returned at night, and heard with anguish uncontrollable, not +only that my mother was dying, but had forbidden that he should be sent +for; and he arrived at the house in a state little short of distraction, +nor could he be kept from the chamber of death. + +His countenance, as he stood at the foot of the bed, told all the agony +of his mind. They tell me so, for I saw him not; I could only see that +object whom I was soon to behold no more! + +My mother knew him; read, no doubt, all his wild wan look expressed; and +smiling kindly, held out her hand to him. He was instantly on his knees +by her bed-side; and she seemed, from the look she gave him, to feel all +the maternal love for him revive which she had experienced through life. + +Your husband, my dear friend, now came to perform his interesting duty, +and we left her alone with him. + +Oh! what a night succeeded! But Pendarves felt more than I. My faculties +were benumbed: I had made such unnatural efforts for some time past to +appear cheerful, while my heart was breaking, that I was too much +exhausted to be able to endure this new demand on my fortitude and my +strength; therefore already was that merciful stupor coming over me, +which saved, I firmly believe, both my life and my reason. + +My mother frequently, during that night, joined my hand in that of +Pendarves, grasped them thus united, while her eyes were raised to +heaven in prayer, but spoke not. At length, however, just as the last +moment was approaching, she faltered out--"Seymour, be kind, be very +kind to my poor child; she has only you now." + +He replied by clasping me to his breast; and in one moment more all was +over! + +You know what followed; you know that for many weeks I was blessedly +unconscious of every thing, and that I lay between death and life under +the dominion of fever. My first return of consciousness and of speech +showed itself thus:--I heard voices below, and recognised them, no +doubt, as female voices; for I drew back the curtain, and asked my +mother's faithful Alice whose voice I heard. But the joy my speaking +gave the poor creature was instantly damped, for I added--"But I +conclude it is my mother's voice, and I dare say she will be here +presently." + +Alice, bursting into tears, replied--"Your blessed mother never come +now." + +"Oh, but by-and-by will do:" and I closed my eyes again. + +Alice now ran down stairs to call my husband, and tell him what +had passed. The voices I heard were those of Mrs. Oswald and Lady +Martindale, who had called every day to inquire for me; and Pendarves +had been this day prevailed upon to go down to them. But he bitterly +repented his complaisance when he found I had heard them talking; +though he rejoiced in my restored hearing, which had seemed quite gone. +He hastily, therefore, dismissed his visitors, and resumed his station +by my bed-side. I knew him, and spoke to him; but damped all his +satisfaction by asking for my mother, and wondering where she was. He +could not answer me, and was doubtful what he ought to reply when he +recovered himself. + +At this moment the physician entered; and hearing what had passed, +declared that the sooner he could make me understand what had happened, +and shed tears (for I had shed none yet), the sooner I should recover, +and he advised his beginning to do it directly. + +Accordingly, when I again asked for her he said--"Do you not see my +black coat, Helen? and do you not remember our loss?" + +"O, yes; but I thought our mourning for the dear child was over." + +"You see!" said Pendarves mournfully. + +The physician replied--"Till her memory is restored, though her life is +spared, a cure is far distant; but persevere." + +In a fortnight I was able to take air; but I still wondered where my +mother was, though I soon forgot her again. + +But one day Pendarves asked me if I would go and visit the grave of my +child, which I had not visited for some time. I thankfully complied, and +he dragged me in a garden chair to the church door. + +It was not without considerable emotion that he supported me to that +marble slab which now covered my mother as well as my child, and I +caught some of his trembling agitation. + +"Look there, my poor Helen!" said he. + +I did look, and read the name of my child. + +"Look lower yet." + +I did so, and the words 'Julia Pendarves;' with the sad _et cetera_, met +my view, and seemed to restore my shattered comprehension. + +In a moment the whole agonizing truth rushed upon my mind; and throwing +myself on the cold stone, I called upon my departed parent, and wept +till I was deluged in tears, and had sobbed myself into the stillness of +exhaustion. + +"Thank God! thou art restored, my beloved, and all will yet, I trust, be +well," said my husband as he bore me away. + +From that time my memory returned, and with it so acute a feeling of +what I had lost, that I fear I was ungrateful enough to regret my +imbecility. + +I now insisted on hearing details of all that had occurred since my +illness; and I found that my uncle and aunt had come down to attend the +funeral of my mother, and that Lord Charles had attended uninvited to +pay her that tribute of respect, nor had he returned to London till my +life was declared out of danger. How deeply I felt this attention! I +also heard that the ladies at the Lodge pestered my husband with letters, +to prevail on him to spare his sensibility the pain of following my lost +parent to the grave: but that, however he shrunk from the task, he had +treated their request with the utmost disregard, saying, that if he had +no other motive, the certainty that he was doing what _I_ should have +wished, was sufficient. + +When I was quite restored to strength, both of mind and body, Pendarves +gave me the key of my mother's papers, which he had carefully sealed up. +My mother left no will, as she wished me to inherit every thing; but in +a little paper directed to Pendarves she desired that an income might +be settled on Juan and Alice, which would make them comfortable and +independent for life; that her friends the De Waldens might have some +memorial of her given to them; and that Lord Charles might have her +travelling writing-desk. + +Oh! what overwhelming feelings I endured while looking over her papers, +containing a sketch of her life, her reflections and prayers when I +married Pendarves, a character of Lady Helen, of her husband and of my +father, and many fragments, all indicative of a mother's love and a +mother's anxiety! But tender sorrow was suspended by curiosity, when I +found one letter from Ferdinand de Walden! It was evidently written in +answer to one from her, in which she had described me as suffering +deeply, but, on principle, trying to appear cheerful, and for her sake +dutifully trying to conceal from her the agony of my heart. What else +she had said, was very evident from the part of the letter which I +transcribe, translating it from the French. + + "Yes! you only, I believe, do me justice. I should have been a + more devoted husband than Pendarves; having my affections built, I + trust, on a firmer foundation than his, viz. a purifying faith, + and its result, pure habits. Still, I know not how to excuse his + conduct towards such an angel! for oh! that faded cheek, and that + shrunk form, that dejection of spirits from a mother's sorrows + which seem to have alienated him, would have endeared her to me + still more fondly--" + +I had resolution enough, my dear friend, to pause here, and read no +more: nay, distrusting my own strength, I had the courage to commit the +dangerous letter to the flames, and that was indeed an exertion of duty. + +I shall pass lightly and rapidly over the next few months.--My husband +gradually resumed his intercourse at the Lodge; while I, to conceal as +much as possible his neglect, paid and received visits; and Mrs. Ridley +and my aunt were by turns my guests, for I had now lost my dread of the +latter. She had nothing to tell but what I knew already, except that she +believed my husband more criminal than I did or could think him, and +that I positively forbade her ever to name him to me again. I also +visited you, and did all I could to fly from that feeling of conscious +desolation which was ever present to me since I lost my mother. In all +other afflictions I had her to rely upon; I had her to sooth and to +comfort me: but who had I to console me for the loss of her? on whose +never-to-be-abated tenderness could I rely? Other ties, if destroyed, +may be formed again; but we can have parents only once; and I had lost +my mother, my sole surviving parent, at a moment when I wanted her most. +Still, I roused myself from my lethargy of grief, and 'sorrowed' not +like 'one without hope.' But the misery of disappointed and wounded +affections preyed on me while tenderer woes slumbered, and my health +continued to fade, my youth to decay. + +My kind aunt and Mrs. Ridley were both just come on a visit to me, when +Pendarves signified his intention of accompanying his friends on a tour +to the Lakes. He said his health had suffered much from his anxiety +during my illness, and he thought the journey would do him good. + +"Then take your wife a journey," cried my aunt bluntly: "she wants it +more than you do." + +"She will not accompany my friends," replied he; "and my word is pledged +to go with them." + +"Is a pledge given to friends more sacred than duty to a wife, Mr. +Seymour Pendarves?" + +"Is it a husband's duty never to stir without his wife, madam?" + +"My dear aunt, you forget," said I, "how unfit I am to travel: quiet and +home suit me best." + +"It is well they do," said my aunt; and Seymour left the room. + +I will pass over the time that intervened before Seymour's departure: +suffice that I tried to attribute his still frequent absences from home +to his dislike of his aunt's society; and in the meanwhile I masked an +aching heart in smiles, that no one might have the authority of my +dejected spirits to found an accusation of my husband upon. + +At length the day of Seymour's departure arrived, and we had an +affectionate and on my side a tearful parting: but I recovered myself +soon; and though I deeply felt the unkindness of his leaving me after +my recent affliction, I declared it the wisest thing he could do, and +that I hoped he would find me fat and cheerful at his return. But I saw +I did not convert my auditors; and that Lord Charles Belmour, who called +to inquire after my health, absolutely started when he found that +Seymour was gone away on a journey. I could not bear this, but left the +room; for I could not, would not, either by word or look, blame my +husband; and I could not bear to observe that he was blamed by others. + +At the end of three weeks my uncle came down to fetch his wife; and I +heard, with a satisfaction which I could not conceal, that my uncle +hoped he should be able to prove that Lady Martindale, as she was +called, was a spy of the Convention, and that he could get her sent +out of the country on the Alien Bill; for that she was undoubtedly the +mistress, not the wife, of Lord Martindale. I also learnt that Lord +Charles had been indefatigable in using his exertions and his interest +to effect this purpose, in hopes, as my aunt said, of opening my +husband's eyes; and she thought, when he saw that his uncle and his +friend were thus active and watchful to save him from perdition, that he +could not refuse to be convinced and saved. + +Alas! we none of us as yet knew Pendarves. We did not know that +in proportion to conscious strength of mind is the capacity of +conviction--and that no one is so jealous of interference, and so averse +to being proved in the wrong, as those who are most prone to err and +most conscious of weakness. My uncle and aunt went away in high spirits +at the idea of the good which was going to accrue to me from their +exertions, and left me much cheered in my prospects, little thinking of +the blow which these exertions were ensuring to me. + +My husband wrote to me on his journey about twice a week; but as he +rarely did so till the post was just going out, or the horses were +waiting, I was convinced, either that he had lost all remains of +tenderness for me, or that, conscious of acting ill, he could not +bear to write. + +When he had been gone two months, I was expecting his arrival in London +every day, and with no small anxiety; for my uncle had written me word, +that as soon as Annette Beauvais (for that _was_ her real name) arrived +in town, she would be seized by the officers employed by Government, and +be shipped off directly for Altona--whither Lord Martindale, who was +reckoned a dangerous disloyal subject, would be advised to accompany +her. + +But while I was pleasing myself with the idea that Pendarves, when +convinced of the real character of those with whom he associated so +intimately, would return to me thankful for the discovery, and that +in the detected courtesan and spy he would forget the fascinating +companion, a very different end was preparing for the well-intentioned +plans of our friend and relation. + +Pendarves, not choosing to fail in respect to his uncle, and resolved +to consider himself as on good terms with him, called at his house +in Stratford Place; but unfortunately found only Mrs. Pendarves. The +consequence you may easily foresee. She reproached him with his cruel +neglect of his wife, and then triumphed in the approaching discomfiture +of that wicked woman who had lured him from her; informing him with +great exultation, that his uncle had procured her arrestation; that she +would be taken up directly, and sent abroad; and that his angel-wife was +expecting his return to her with eager and affectionate love. + +"And was my wife privy to this injustice and this outrage?" asked +Pendarves, with a faltering voice and a flashing eye. + +"To be sure she was." + +"Then she may expect me, madam, but I will never return!" Having said +this, he rushed from the house, and hurried back to the lodgings. He +found Lady Martindale, as she still persisted in calling herself, in +fits, and Lord Martindale threatening, but in vain. The warrant was +executed, and the lady forced to set off, her lord having a hint given +him, which made his retreat advisable also. + +"You shall not go _alone_, my friends," said Pendarves, as soon as he +saw that their banishment was certain; "and as my family have presumed +to procure your exile, they shall find that they have exiled me too." + +So saying, he left the house, gained a passport as an American, which +you know he was, as well as myself, by birth, and soon overtaking them, +he travelled with them, and embarked with them for Altona. + +He wrote to me from the port whence they embarked, and such a letter! I +thought I should never have held up my head after it. He reproached me +for joining the mean cabal against an injured and innocent woman, and +declared that as I and his uncle had caused her exile, he felt it his +duty to sooth and to share it. + +In a postscript he told me he had drawn for all the money that was in +his banker's hands, before he set out on his journey: that he wished me +to let our house, and remove into my mother's, which was still empty; +that he trusted I would not let him want in a foreign land; for in some +respects he knew I could be generous; but that he feared the income of +his fortune must be appropriated to the payment of his debts, which were +so many, he feared he could not return, even if he wished it, except at +the danger of losing his personal liberty. He trusted therefore that I +would join my uncle in settling his affairs; and if he wanted money to +support him, he knew I would spare him some out of the fortune which +came to me on the death of my mother, the income of which I, and I +alone, could receive. + +In the midst of the wretchedness inflicted by this letter--for it was +my nature to cling to hope, I eagerly caught at the high idea of my +conjugal virtues which this cruel letter implied; and I trusted that, +when intimate association had completely unmasked this Syren and her +paramour, he would prize me the more from contrast, and hasten home to +receive my eagerly-bestowed forgiveness. But the order to let the house +was so indicative of a separation meant to be long, if not eternal, that +again and again I went from hope to despair. But there was one sorrow +converted into rejoicing. Till now I had grieved that my mother was +no more: but now I rejoiced to think that this last terrible blow was +spared her; that she did not live to witness the grief of her worse than +widowed daughter, nor to see the degradation of the beloved son of her +idolized Lady Helen. Degradation did I say? Yes: but I still persisted +to excuse my husband, and would not own even to myself that he was +without excuse for his conduct. I thought it was generous in him not to +forsake his friends in their distress, nor would I allow any one to hint +at the probability that his female companion was his mistress. + +I also resolved to justify his reliance on my exertions and my +generosity. I wrote to my uncle, I made myself acquainted with all his +embarrassments, I dismissed every servant but Alice and Juan, and I set +apart two-thirds of my income also for payment of the debts. + +My uncle would fain have interfered, and advanced me the money; but I +had a pride in making sacrifices for my husband's sake, and I wished Mr. +Pendarves to leave him money in his will, as a resource for him when he +should return to England, and I should be no more; for I fancied that I +was far gone in a rapid decline. But I mistook nervous symptoms, the +result of a distressed mind, for consumptive ones; and to my great +surprise, when I had arranged my husband's affairs, and had, while so +employed, been forced to visit London once or twice, and associate with +the friends who loved and honoured me, my pain of the side decreased, +my pulse became slower, my appetite returned, and I recovered something +of my former appearance. But it was now the end of the winter of 1793, +and the reign of terror had long been begun in France, while we heard +from every quarter that the English there were in the utmost danger, on +account of the unpopularity of the English Government; that all were +leaving France who could get away; and Pendarves was gone to Paris! But +then he was an American. Still, I could not divest myself of fears for +his life; and the horrible idea of his pining in a foreign land, in a +prison and in poverty, (for, though he had written to say he was arrived +in Paris, he had not drawn for money, nor given his address,) haunted me +continually. To be brief: you know how the idea of my husband's danger +took entire possession of my imagination, till I conceived it to be my +duty to set off for Paris. + +You remember, that you and your husband both dissuaded me from the rash +and hazardous undertaking; and that I replied, "I have now but one +object of interest in the world, the husband of my love! True, a +romantic generosity, and what he calls just resentment, have led him +for the present to forsake his country and me; but that is no reason +why I should forsake him; and who knows but that the result of my +self-devotion may restore him to me more attached than ever?" You know +that you listened, admired, and almost encouraged me; and that you have +always considered this determination, as the crown of my conjugal glory, +and held it up as a bright example of a wife's duty. But, my dear friend, +my own sobered judgement and the lessons of experience, together with +reproof from lips that never can deceive, and a judgement that can +rarely err, have convinced me that I rather violated than performed a +wife's duty when I set off on this romantic expedition to France. + +No: if ever I deserved the character of a good wife, it was from the +passive fortitude and the patient spirit with which I bore up against +neglect, wounded affections, and slighted tenderness. It was the sense +of duty which led me to throw a veil over my husband's faults, which +held him up when his own errors had cast him down, and which led me +still, in strict compliance with my marriage vows, to obey and honour +him by all a wife's attentions, even when I feared that he deserved not +my esteem. + +But to go on with my narrative. My uncle and aunt came down to reason me +out of my folly, as they called it; and my uncle thought he held a very +persuasive argument, for he told me he felt it indelicate for me to +intrude myself and my fondness on a husband who had showed he did not +value it, and had chosen to escape from me. + +"But I do not _mean_ to intrude upon him," I replied; "I mean to be +concealed in Paris, and with Alice and Juan to attend me; I fear nothing +for myself, nor need you fear for me." + +"What!" cried my aunt, "be in Paris, and not let the vile man know you +are there? _I_ should discover myself, if it were only for the sake of +reproaching him; for I should treat him very differently, I assure you. +_I_ should show him + + 'Earth has a rage with love to hatred turned, + And love has fury by a woman spurned.'" + +"But you are not Helen, my dear," said my uncle, meekly sighing as he +always did over her misquotations; and still he argued, and I resisted, +when I obtained an unexpected assistant in our kind physician. + +"My dear sir," said he, "if your niece remains here in compliance with +your wishes, I well know that her mind and her feelings will prey upon +her life, and ultimately destroy it, if they do not unsettle her reason. +But if she is allowed to be active and to indulge at whatever risk her +devoted affection to her husband, depend on it she will be well and +comparatively happy: nor do I see that she runs any great risk. She is +an American; her two servants are the same, and are most devotedly +attached to her: and I give my opinion, both as a physician and a +friend, that she had better go." + +Oh, how I loved the good old man for what he said! and my uncle and aunt +were now contented to yield the point; but my uncle insisted on +defraying all my expenses. + +"They will be trifling," said I; "for I shall not choose to travel as a +lady, but to dress as plainly, travel as cheaply, and attract as little +attention as I can." + +This he approved; but, in case I should want money to purchase services +either for myself or my husband, he insisted on my sewing into my stays +ten bank notes of a hundred pounds each, and I accepted them in case of +emergencies, as I thought I had no right to refuse what might be of +service to my husband. + +"Would I were not an old man!" said my uncle; "then you should not go +alone, Helen." But I convinced him that any English friend would only be +a detriment to me. + +Lord Charles Belmour, on hearing of my design, left London, and the +career of dissipation in which he was ever engaged, to argue with me, +to expostulate with me, to entreat that I would not go, and risk my +precious life, which no man living was worthy to have sacrificed for +him, and then burst into tears of genuine feeling when he bade me adieu, +wishing that "Heaven had made him such a woman;" and, while envying the +husband of a virtuous wife, went back to a new mistress, and renewed his +course of error. + +At length the day of my departure arrived; and plainly attired, I set +off for the port of Great Yarmouth, attended by my two faithful +servants. + +Juan and Alice were both slaves on part of our American property; but +they were born on the estate of a French proprietor, therefore French +was their native tongue, which was a fortunate circumstance. As soon as +my father was their master he made them free, and they became man and +wife. They had lived with my mother ever since. She, as I before said, +had desired they should be made independent for life. It is no wonder, +therefore, the faithful creatures were devoted to the daughter of their +benefactress, and I had the most cheering confidence in the tried +sagacity as well as integrity of both. Their colour, you know, was what +is called mulatto, and their appearance was less distinguished by +ugliness than is usually the case with such persons. + +I thought it necessary to give this little history of two beings whom I +learnt to love even in childhood, and who in the season of my affliction +added to that love the feeling of interminable gratitude. + +Well, behold us landed at Altona, and designated in our passports as +Mrs. Helen Pendarves, and Juan and Alice Duval, Americans. After a +tedious journey in the carts of the country, and sometimes in its +horrible waggons, behold me also arrived in the metropolis of blood, +passports examined and approved, and all my greatest difficulties at an +end. So relieved was my mind, when every thing was arranged and I had +hitherto gotten on so well, that my affectionate companions observed +with delighted wonder, that my cheek glowed and my eyes sparkled once +more: but cautious Juan advised me to hide my face as much as possible, +for there were no such faces in Paris, he believed. + +When however I found myself in Paris, when I knew that the being I +loved best was there, and yet I dared not seek him, sorrow destroyed my +recovered bloom again, and tears dimmed my eyes. Yet still I felt a +strange overpowering satisfaction in knowing that I was near him; and +when we had found out his abode, I thought that I could perhaps contrive +to see him, myself unseen. But I found a letter addressed to me _poste +restante_, which not only dimmed the brightness of my prospects, but +damped much of my enthusiastic ardour in the task which I had +undertaken, and even abated some of my tenderness for Pendarves: for I +could no longer shut my eyes to the nature of his attachment to Annette +Beauvais. + +My uncle told me in his letter that Lord Martindale was returned to +London, but could not stay there, and was on his way to America; that he +had met him in a shop, that on hearing his name, Lord Martindale had the +effrontery to introduce himself and thanked him for having enabled him +so easily to get rid of a mistress of whom he was tired. + +"Indeed," said he, "I am much obliged to the family of Pendarves; for +the uncle forces my mistress to go back to her native place, and the +nephew takes her off my hands, and under his own protection. + +"And I have the honour to assure you, sir," said he, "that if you visit +Paris, and the Rue Rivoli, _numero_ 22, you will there find your nephew +romantically happy with a most fascinating _chere amie_ who had once the +honour of bearing my name." + +"I turned from him," adds my uncle, "with disgust, as you, I hope, will +turn from your unworthy husband, and come back, my dearest niece, to +your affectionate and anxious uncle." + +For one moment I felt inclined to obey his wishes--my husband really +living with an abandoned woman, as her avowed protector! wife, country, +reputation, sacrificed for her sake! + +Horrible and disgusting it was indeed! but I soon recollected, that if +it was really a duty in me to come to Paris for his sake at all, it was +equally a duty now, for his criminality could not destroy his claims on +my duty; nor could his breach of duty excuse the neglect of mine. In +short, whether love or conscience influenced me, I know not, but I +resolved to stay where I was. And so he was in the Rue Rivoli! I was +glad to know where he was, but I did not as before wish to see him, and +even to gaze on him unseen. No: I felt him degraded, and I thought that +I should now turn away if I met him. + +We took a pleasant and retired lodging on the Italian Boulevards; but +I soon found that in this situation we were not likely to learn any +tidings of Pendarves; and by the time we had been ten days at Paris, +Juan and I resolved, having first felt our way, to put a plan which we +had formed into execution. + +It was absolutely necessary that we should have opportunities of knowing +what was going forward in public affairs, in order to learn the degree +of safety or of danger in which Pendarves was; and if Madame Beauvais +had really been a spy in London for the Convention, she must be +connected with the governing persons in Paris. + +Accordingly, we hired a small house which had stood empty some time in a +street through which most of the members of the National Convention were +likely to pass in their way to and fro. The street door opened into a +front parlour, and that into a second parlour: of this with a kitchen +and two chambers consisted the whole of the house. Humble as it was, I +assure you it was on the plan of one which Robespierre occupied in the +zenith of his power. + +The windows of the front parlour Juan converted into a sort of shop +window; and as he and his wife were both good bakers, they filled it +with a variety of cakes, which they called _gateaux republicains_; and +it was not long before, to our great joy, they obtained an excellent +sale for their commodity. This emboldened us to launch out still more; +and in hopes that our shop might become a sort of resting and lounging +place to the men in power as they passed, Juan put a coat of paint on +the outside of the house, converted the parlour into a complete shop, +and at length put a notice over the door in large tricolour letters, +importing that at such hours every day plum and plain pudding _a +l'Americaine_ was to be had _hot_, as well as _gateaux republicains_. + +If this _affiche_ succeeded, there was a chance of Juan's hearing +something relative to the objects of our anxiety from the members of the +Convention, while I myself, hidden behind the glass door of the back +parlour, might also overhear some to me important conversation. At any +rate, it was worth the trial; and experience proved that the scheme was +not as visionary as it at first appeared. + +It was not without considerable emotion that I saw our shop opened, +and business prospering. Never, surely, was there a more curious and +singular situation than mine. Think of me, the daughter of an American +Loyalist, living an unprotected woman in the metropolis of republican +France, and helping to make puddings and cakes for the members of the +National Convention! + +Though I have never paused in my narrative to mention politics, still +you cannot suppose that I was ignorant of what was passing on the great +theatre of the Continent, nor that the names of the chief actors in it +were unknown to me. On the contrary, I often beguiled my lonely hours +with reading the accounts of the proceedings at Paris; had mourned not +only over the fate of the royal family, but had deplored the death of +those highly gifted men, and that great though mistaken woman (Madame +Roland) in whom I fancied that I perceived some of the republican virtue +to which others only pretended; and though far from being a Republican +myself, I could not but respect those who, having adopted a principle +however erroneous, acted upon it consistently. But with Brissot and his +party ended all my interest in the public men of France, though their +names were familiar to me, and aversion and dread were the only feelings +which they excited. + +Therefore, when on the 1st of February, 1794, we opened a shop for +puddings and cakes, and I through the curtain of a glass-door saw it +thronged with customers, some of whom I concluded were regicides and +murderers, my heart died within me. I felt as if I stood in the den of +wild beasts, and I wished myself again in safe and happy England. + +Juan was frequently asked a number of questions by his customers; such +as who he was, and whence he came, and how long he had been there; and +his answer was, that he was born in America, and born a slave, and so +was his little wife, but a good master made him free. + +"Bravo! and _Vive la liberte!_ and you are like us; we were slaves, now +we are free," always shouted the deluded people to whom he thus talked. + +Juan used to go on to say that he had heard his master was in France, +and poor, and so they left America and came to work for him (applauses +again); but that he found he was dead. "And so," said he, "as I liked +Paris, we resolved to stay here, and make nice things for the +republicans in Europe." + +This tale had its effect; Juan was hailed as _bon citoyen_ Duval, and +promised custom and protection. + +"Oh! dear Miss Helen," cried Juan, (as he usually called me) "what +bloody dogs some of them look! No doubt some of them were members of +parliament. _They_ govern a nation indeed, who were such fools as to be +so easily taken in by my story! Psha! I should make a better parliament +man myself." + +At length, we saw some of the distinguished men. + +Juan heard one of the party call two of the others Hebert and Danton; +and he made an excuse to come in and tell me which was which. I looked +at them, and was mortified to find that Danton was so pleasant-looking. + +When they went away, which they did not do till they had eaten largely, +and commended what they ate, a wild, singularly-looking man entered the +shop, in all the dirty and negligent attire of a _sans culotte_, and +desired a plum pudding _a l'Americaine_ to be set before him; declaring +that had it been _a l'Anglaise_ he could not have eaten it, as it would +have tasted of the slavery of that wretched grovelling country England. +When the pudding was served, he talked more than he ate, and made minute +inquiries into the history of Alice and Juan; but when he heard who and +what they were, he ran to them, and insisted on giving each the +fraternal embrace--"for I," said he, "am Anacharsis Cloots! the orator +of the human race; and dear to my heart is the injured being who was +born in servitude. Blessed be the memory of the master who broke your +chains!" + +He then resumed his questions, and, to my great alarm, desired to know +if they lived alone in the house. Juan, off his guard, replied, + +"No; we have a lodger." + +"Indeed! let me see him." + +"Him! 'tis a woman." + +"Better and better still! Let me see her then. Is she young and +handsome?" + +"Helas! la pauvre femme! elle ne voit personne, elle est malade a la +mort."[7] + +"Eh bien, que je la voye! Je la guerirai moi."[8] + +"Tu! citoyen? Oh non! elle ne se guerira jamais."[9] + +"Mais oui, te dis-je. Ou est-elle? Je veux absolument faire sa +connaissance."[10] + +"C'est impossible. Elle est au lit."[11] + +"Quest-ce que cela fait?"[12] + +"Comment, les femmes chez nous ne recoivent jamais les visites quand +elles sont au lit."[13] + +"Mais, quelle betise! au moins dis moi son nom, qui elle est, et tout +cela."[14] + + [Footnote 7: Alas! poor woman! she is sick to death.] + + [Footnote 8: Well, let me see her: I will cure her.] + + [Footnote 9: You! citizen? Oh no! she will never be cured.] + + [Footnote 10: Yes, I tell you. Where is she? I will absolutely make her + acquaintance.] + + [Footnote 11: Impossible. She is in bed.] + + [Footnote 12: What does that signify?] + + [Footnote 13: Our ladies never receive visits in bed.] + + [Footnote 14: What nonsense! But tell me her name and all that.] + +And Juan told him that I was the relation of his benefactor; that I was +in reduced circumstances, having had a bad husband; and that he and his +wife had taken me to live with them, and never would desert me. + +"_O les braves gens!_" exclaimed he.--But what an agony I endured all +this time! Afraid that this mad-headed enthusiast would really insist on +paying me a visit, I ran up stairs, put on my green spectacles which Juan +insisted on my buying (for he really thought me a perfect beauty, and +that all who looked must love); then tied up my face in a handkerchief, +pulled over it a slouch cap, and lay down on the bed, drawing the +curtains round. But Alice came up to tell me the strange man was gone. +He declared, however, that the next time he came he would see _la pauvre +malade_. + +But fortunately we never saw him again, except when he stopped in +company with others, and was too much taken up in laying down the law +for the benefit of the human race, to remember an individual. + +You will not be surprised when I tell you, that slight as was my +knowledge of the persons of Hebert and Anacharsis Cloots, and little as +I had heard of their voices, still the circumstance of having seen their +faces and heard them speak made all the difference between rejoicing at +their deserved fate and regretting it. They were guillotined during the +course of the next month; and I shuddered when I heard they were no +more, catching myself saying, "Poor men!" very frequently during the +rest of the day. + +I could give you some interesting details of many events that now +happened in affecting succession; but they have been painted by abler +hands than mine: I shall only say further concerning our shop-visitors, +that more than once the great Dictator himself took shelter there from a +shower of rain, and ate a _gateau republicain_. When he first came, +Juan, who had seen him often before, sent Alice to tell me who he was; +and I cannot describe the sensation of horror with which he inspired me; +for nature there had made the outside equally ugly with the inside. He +asked many questions of Juan relative to who he was, and whence and why +he came; and I saw his quick and restless eye looking suspiciously +round, as if he feared an unseen dagger on every side: and so watchful +and observant was his glance, that I retreated from the curtain lest he +should see me. I was also terrified to perceive that my poor Juan was +not so much at his ease with _him_, and did not tell his story with so +steady a voice as usual. But perhaps like Louis the XIVth, Robespierre +was flattered with the consciousness of inspiring awe. Juan was, +however, a little relieved by the entrance of Danton, who spoke to him +as an old acquaintance; on which Robespierre turned to Danton and said, +"Then _you know_ these people?" + +"Yes; and their puddings too. Do I not, citizen?" he good naturedly +replied; and soon after, Robespierre and he departed together. + +Certain it is that I breathed more freely after they were gone. + +Not long after this, Danton and Camille des Moulins came together; and +though they spoke very low, Juan heard them talk of _la Citoyenne +Beauvais_, and then they talked of _son bel Americain Anglois_,[15] (so +it was clear they knew who my husband really was,) and they whispered +and laughed. We then heard the name of Colonel Newton, an Englishman by +birth, who had served in foreign armies all his life, and had the +melancholy distinction of being the only British subject who was put to +death by the guillotine. But Juan heard him mentioned by these men, and +soon after we knew he was arrested; for Juan was in the habit of +frequenting the Palais Royal and its gardens in the evening, and other +places of public resort, and there he was sure to hear the news of the +day. At first, he only heard that an Englishman was arrested; and his +emotion was such, that if any one had looked at him it must have been +perceived; but no one noticed him, and presently some one named Colonel +Newton as the conspirator who had been denounced and imprisoned. + + [Footnote 15: Her handsome American Englishman.] + +Was Pendarves acquainted with this unfortunate man? We could not tell; +but certain it was, that the awful lips which mentioned the one had +named the other. + +In another month Danton and Camille des Moulins were no more! and fell +with many others who were obnoxious to the tyrant; and again I wished +that I had not seen or heard them. + +As I never went out till it was quite dark, the great seclusion in which +I lived injured my health. Since the death of Hebert, indeed, I was not +so cautious, as I could wear a hat; but while he lived, he had decreed +that every head-dress was _aristocrat_, except the peasants' cap. + +Juan went therefore to find a lodging for me for a week or two near or +in the Champs Elysees, and in so retired a spot, that with my green +spectacles, and otherwise a little disguised, my guardian declared he +allowed me to walk even in a morning. + +Alice accompanied me, and Juan promised to come and tell us every +evening what was going forward. During my abode in this pretty place +Juan arrived one evening a good deal agitated, and I found that he had +seen Pendarves. + +"Did he see you?" + +"Oh! no: he saw no one but--" + +"His companion, I suppose?--Was Madame Beauvais with him?" + +"She was, and her little dog; and the beast would not come at her call; +and then she was uneasy, and so he took up the nasty animal and carried +it in his arm. I could have wrung its neck." + +"It is a nice clean animal," replied I, trying to speak cheerfully. "But +how did he look, Juan?" + +"Well, madam--_too_ well!" said the faithful creature, turning away in +agony to think he could look well under his circumstances. + +"You see he is not yet arrested," said I; "and for that I am thankful." + +One night, the night before we were to return to our house, Juan +disappointed us and did not come at all. You, who have always lived in +dear and quiet Britain, cannot form to yourself an idea of the agitation +into which this little circumstance threw us. We could not fancy he was +ill: that was too common-place and too natural a circumstance to occur +to the heated imaginations of women accustomed as we were to tales +of terror and blood; and we thought no less than that he had been +suspected, denounced, arrested, and would be _juge a mort_. What a night +of misery was ours! Early in the morning, however, Alice set off for +Paris, conjuring me on her knees not to come with her, as Juan thought +it unsafe for me to walk in the street unprotected; and promising to +come back directly if any thing alarming had happened. I therefore +allowed her to depart without me; but though her not returning was +a proof that all was right, according to our agreement, I was half +distracted when hour succeeded to hour and she did not return; till, at +last, unable to bear my suspense any longer, I set off for Paris, and +reached the Place de la Revolution (as it was then called) just as an +immense crowd was thronging from all parts and around me, to a spot +already filled with an incalculable number of persons. In one instant I +recollected that what I beheld in the midst must be the guillotine, and +I tried to turn back, but it was impossible. I was hurried forward with +the exulting multitude; and just as the horrible snap of the murderous +engine met my now tingling ears, I heard from the shouts of the mob, +that the victim was the Princess Elizabeth!!!--Self-preservation +instinctively prompted me to catch hold of the person next me to save +myself from falling, which would have been instant death; and the aid I +sought was yielded to me: and while a noise of thunder was in my ears, +and my eyes were utterly blinded with horror and agonizing emotion, a +kind but unknown voice said in French, "Poor child! I see you are indeed +a stranger here. We natives are used to these sights now;" and he +sighed, as if use had not however entirely blunted his feelings. + +"But why did you come to see such a sight?" + +"Oh! I knew nothing of it, and was going home." + +"Poor thing! Well; but shall I see you home--if you can walk?" + +I now looked up, and saw that my kind friend was only a lowly citizen, +and wore a Jacobin cap; and I was still shrinking from allowing of his +further attendance, though I trembled in every limb, and felt sick +unto death: when, as the crowd dispersed, I saw Juan and Alice coming +towards me; in another moment I was in her arms, where I nearly fainted +away. + +"This is unfortunate," said the _citoyen_; "her illness may be observed +upon, as it was a Bourbon who died, and she may be fancied no friend to +the republic. What is best to be done?" + +While he said this I recovered, and begged to go home directly; but I +could not walk without the aid of my Jacobin friend; who insisted on +seeing me safe home, and we thought it the best way to consent. + +On our way, the _citoyen_ exclaimed, "_O mon Dieu! le voila +lui-meme!_"[16] and we saw the dreaded Robespierre hastily approaching +us. He desired to know what was the matter with that woman; and neither +Juan nor Alice had recollection enough to reply; but our friend did +instantly, taking off his cap as he spoke: "The poor woman, _citoyen_, +was nearly crushed in the crowd, and but for me would have been trodden +to death. Only see how she trembles still! She has not been able to +speak a word yet." + + [Footnote 16: Oh! there he is himself.] + +"Oh! that is the case, is it?" said he, surveying me with a most +scrutinizing glance. "It is well for her I find her in such good +company, Benoit." + +He then departed, and we recovered our recollection. + +He was no sooner gone, than, to my great surprise, I saw Juan seize our +companion's hand, while he exclaimed, "You! are you Benoit?" + +"To be sure; what then?" + +"Why then, you God for ever bless that's all! For many poor wretch +bless you; and now, but for you, what might have become of her?" + +"How!" cried Alice; "is this the kind jailor of Luxembourg? Oh dear! how +glad I am to see you?" + +It was indeed Benoit; who, at a period when to be cruel seemed the only +means to be safe, lightened the fetters which he could not remove, and +soothed to the best of his power the horrors of a prison and of death. + +A feeling which he could not help, but certainly not one of joyful +anticipation, led him to witness the death of the royal victim; and my +evident horror instantly interested and attached him to my side. This +good man attended us home, and we had great pleasure in setting before +him our little stores: but he could not eat then, he said; and as he +spoke, he sighed deeply. However, he assured us he would come and eat +with us some other day: then desiring us to take heed and not go to see +sights again, he ran off, saying he had been absent too long. + +What a mercy it was that Benoit was with us when we met the tyrant! We +also rejoiced that he did not see or did not recognise Juan and Alice: +but after this unfortunate rencontre we did not feel ourselves as safe +as we did before, and dreaded every day to see him enter the shop. + +I now desired to know the reason of Juan's not coming to us, and I found +that his too great care had exposed me to even a far worse agony than +that from which he wished to preserve me. The truth was, he heard that +poor Madame Elizabeth was to be executed the next day: fearing, +therefore, that he should be betrayed into saying so, and wishing me +not to know of it till all was over, as he knew how interested I was in +her fate, he resolved to stay away, not supposing we should be alarmed; +and he and Alice could not return to me sooner, as the way led over the +very spot which they wished to avoid. Besides, Alice had told me her not +returning was a good sign. Well! this agony was past; but I had seen and +met the suspicious eye of the tyrant, and it haunted me wherever I went. +For my own life, indeed, I had no fear; and imprisonment, I thought, was +all I had to dread, though poor Juan insisted on it that the wretch +saw, spite of my dowdy appearance, that I was a handsome woman; and +he thanked Heaven at the close of every day, that no Robespierre had +visited us. Another evening Juan returned in much agitation from +his walk, but I saw it was of an opposite nature to that which he +experienced at sight of Pendarves; and on inquiry I found that he had, +as he said, met that good young man, Count De Walden. + +"Indeed!" exclaimed I; "and did he see you? and does he know I am in +Paris?" + +"No, he did not see me; and without your leave, I dared not tell you +were here: so I thought it best not to speak to him." + +I felt excessively disappointed; but after some moments of reflection I +recollected that it would be cruel and selfish to force myself, in a +situation so interesting and so anxious, on one who on principle had so +recently left the place in which I was; and I told Juan he had done +quite right. + +"However," said I, "it is a comfort to me to know that I have a +protector near." + +"Aye; but not for long!" + +"No! But what could bring a man like him to this den of wickedness and +horrors? Some good purpose no doubt." + +"I suspect so; for I saw him in close conversation with Barrere and +others, and I overheard him say, 'But can you give me no hope? I want +excessively to return home: still, while there is a chance of Colonel +Newton's being saved, I will stay.' Barrere, I believe, said all hope +was over; for the Count cast up his eyes mournfully to heaven, and +retired." + +Till I heard this, I was inclined to suspect that my uncle had written +to say I was here, and that he came on my account. + +I shall now relate the motive of his journey: the object of it was +connected with the fate of my husband. + +A man of the name of Beauvais was executed with Danton and other +supposed conspirators in the preceding April. This man was the father of +Annette Beauvais; and she would have been denounced and executed with +her father, had not one of Robespierre's tools become exceedingly +enamoured of her, and for his sake she was spared. But Colonel Newton +having been known to be rather intimate with Beauvais, and having also +dared, like a free-born Englishman and a man of independent feelings, to +reproach the tyrant with his cruelty, he was accused, imprisoned, and +condemned to death. It was on his account that De Walden came to Paris. +By some means or other Newton informed him of his situation; and as he +had known him in Switzerland, and greatly esteemed him, he hastened to +try whether by solicitation, interest, or money, he could procure his +acquittal or escape: but he tried in vain. As vain also were the efforts +made,--to do her justice,--by Madame Beauvais herself. The wretch to +whom she applied was made jealous of Newton by her earnest entreaties +for his life; and his doom was consequently rendered only more certain. +He also tauntingly bade her take care of her own life and that of her +American Englishman, assuring her she would not find it an easy matter +to do that long. Nor did he threaten in vain; for, though she admitted +his addresses and received his splendid presents, she still persisted in +living with the infatuated Pendarves, who believed her constancy equal +to her pretended love. The consequence was, that an accusation was +brought against my husband for getting to Paris on false pretences, and +as being a dangerous person: for, though he was born in America, his +father was a loyalist, not a republican, and had fought, they found, +against the republican arms; and his mother was that offensive thing a +woman of quality and a nobleman's daughter. There were other charges +equally strong; and even in the presence of his vile companion, +Pendarves was arrested, and condemned for the present to be confined +_au secret_ in the Luxembourg. + +He bore his fate with calmness; for he expected that she who had caused +his imprisonment would be eager to share and to enliven it: but that +was beyond the heroism of a mistress. She was not willing to prefer to +fine apartments and liberty, love and a prison with him; but while he, +agonized at her desertion,--for she bade him a cold and final +farewell,--was borne away into confinement, she was led away smiling and +in triumph by her now avowed protector. + +All these circumstances I did not know at first--I only knew the result; +which was imparted to me by the trembling Juan, who had seen Pendarves +led away, had seen her farewell, and had vainly tried to make himself +observed by him, that he might know he had a friend at hand. + +"A friend!" cried I with a flushed cheek, but with a trembling frame: +"he shall know that he has the best of friends, a wife, near him!" and +instantly, taking no precaution to conceal my person in any way, for I +thought not of myself, I hastened rapidly along, Juan with difficulty +keeping pace with me, till I reached the Luxembourg. + +"Whom do you want?" said a churlish man on duty. + +"Seymour Pendarves." + +"You can't see him: he is _au secret_." + +"Oh! but I must! Do let me speak to the _Citoyen_ Benoit, and ask him to +let me enter." + +"You are very earnest; and perhaps he will let you. + +"Who shall I say wants to be admitted to this Pendarves?" + +"His wife." + +"His wife! Well," added he respectfully, "wives should not be kept from +their husbands when they seek them in their distress." + +He then went in search of Benoit, who appeared with his keys of office. + +"_Citoyen_," said he, "here is a wife wants to see her husband." + +"I fear she is an aristocrat, then," replied Benoit, smiling and +approaching us. + +"Ha!" cried he, "is it you? What is become of your spectacles? And do +you want to see your husband, poor thing? Who is he?" + +I told him. He shook his head, saying to himself--"Who could have +supposed he had a wife, and such a one too!" + +"_Citoyenne_," said he, "you cannot see your husband to-night, nor shall +he know you are here; but to-morrow, at nine in the morning, I will +admit you. Yes, and for your sake I will show him all the indulgence I +can. So it was for this, was it, you came to Paris? I thought there was +a mystery. Good girl! good girl!" + +So saying, he walked hastily away, and we returned to our home, at once +disappointed and cheered. + +Oh! how I longed for the light of morning! Oh! how I longed to exhibit +the superiority of the wife over the mistress! With what pleasure I +anticipated the joy, mixed with shame and sorrow, no doubt, but still +triumphant over every other feeling with which Pendarves would behold +and receive me! How he would value this proof of tenderness and duty! +while I should fondly assure him that all was forgotten and all +forgiven!--So did I paint the scene to which I was hastening. Such +were the hopes which flushed my cheek and irradiated my countenance. + +At length the appointed hour drew near; and I had just reached the gates +of the Luxembourg, had just desired to be shown to Benoit, when I looked +up and beheld De Walden! + +"You here!" cried he, turning pale as death. "O Helen! dear rash friend! +why are you in Paris? Speak." + +Here he paused, trembling with emotion. I was little less affected; but, +making a great effort, I faltered out, "My husband is prisoner here, and +I am going to him." + +De Walden clasped his hands together and was silent; but his look +declared the agony of his mind. + +Benoit now came to conduct me in; and De Walden, taking Juan's arm, led +him apart. + +"Have you told him I am here?" said I, turning very faint, alarmed now +the moment was come which I had so delightedly anticipated. + +"No: I have told him nothing." + +He now put the key into a door at the bottom of a long, narrow, dark +passage, and it turned on its heavy and grating hinges. + +"Some one desires to see you," said Benoit gruffly, to hide his kind +emotion; and I stood before my long estranged husband. But where was the +look of gladness? where the tone of welcome, though it might be mingled +with that of less pleasant sensations? He started, turned pale, pressed +forward to meet me; but then exclaiming in a faltering voice, "Is it +you, Helen? Rash girl! why do I see you here?" he sunk upon his +miserable bed, and hid his face from me. I stood, pale, motionless, and +silent as a statue. Was this the scene which I had painted to myself? +True, I should have been shocked, if he had approached me with extended +arms, and as if he felt that I had nothing to forget: yet I did expect +that his eye would lighten up with joyful surprise, and his quivering +lip betray the tenderness which he would but dared not express. However, +for the first time in my life, indignation and a sense of injury were +stronger than my fond woman's feeling; and I seated myself in silence on +the only chair in the room, with my proud heart swelling as if it would +burst its bounds and give me ease for ever. + +"Helen!" said he at length in a subdued and dejected tone, "your +presence here distracts me. This scene, this city, are no places for +you; and oh! how unworthy am I of this exertion of love! What! must a +wretch like me expose to danger such an exalted creature as this is?" + +These flattering words, though uttered from the head more than from the +heart, were a sort of balm to my wounded feelings; but I coldly replied, +"That in coming to Paris, in order to be on the spot if any danger +happened to him, I had only done what I considered as the duty of a +wife; and that now my earnest wish was to be allowed to spend part, +if not the whole of every day with him in prison, as his friend and +soother." + +"Impossible! impossible!" he exclaimed, becoming much agitated. + +"Why so? Benoit is disposed to be my friend." + +"No matter; but tell me who is with you in this nest of villains?" + +I told him, and he thanked God audibly. I then entreated to know +something concerning his arrest, its cause, and what the consequences +were likely to be. + +"Spare me!" cried he, "spare me! It is most painful to a man to blush +with shame in the presence of his wife. Helen! kind, good Helen! I know +you meant to sooth and serve me; but you have humbled me to the dust, +and my spirit sinks before you! Go and leave me to perish. In my very +best days I was wholly unworthy of you; but now--" + +He was right; and my parading kindness, my intruding virtue were +offensive. I had humbled him: I had obliged him too much: I had towered +over him in the superiority of my character; and instead of attaching, I +had alienated him. This was human nature--I saw it, I owned it now, but +I was not prepared for it, and it overwhelmed me with despair. Still, it +softened my heart in his favour; for, if I had to forgive his errors, he +had to forgive my officious exhibition of romantic duty. I now at his +request told him all my plans, and every thing that had passed since I +came, not omitting to tell him that I had seen De Walden. Nor was I +sorry to remark, that at his name he started and changed colour. + +"He here! Then you are sure of a protector," said he, "and I feel +easier. But, Helen! you are too young, too lovely to expose yourself to +the gaze of the men in power. I protest that you are at this moment as +beautiful as ever, Helen!" + +"It is from the temporary embellishment of strong emotion only," replied +I, pleased by this compliment from him. I then turned the discourse to +the opportunity our shop gave us of hearing conversations; and I also +promised to bring him some of our commodities. He tried to smile, but +could not, and I saw that my presence evidently distressed instead +of soothing him. Benoit now came to say I must stay no longer, and +disappeared again; while, a prey to most miserable feelings, I rose to +depart. + +"I shall come again to-morrow," said I; "shall I not?" + +"If you insist upon it, you shall; but, you had better leave me, Helen, +to perish, and forget me!" + +"Forget you! Cruel Seymour!" cried I, bursting into an agony of tears. + +He now approached me, and, sinking on one knee, took my hand and kissed +it: then held it to his heart. A number of feelings now contended in my +bosom, but affection was predominant; and as he knelt before me I threw +my arms round his neck, mingling my tears with his, "_Mais vite donc, +citoyenne--depeches tu!_"[17] said Benoit, just unclosing the door, and +speaking outside it. Pendarves rose, and led me to him; and scarcely +knowing whether pain or satisfaction predominated, I reached the gate, +Benoit kindly assuring me I might command his services to the utmost. + + [Footnote 17: Quick, make haste, female citizen!] + +I found De Walden still talking with Juan. They both seemed to regard +me with very scrutinizing as well as sympathizing looks; and I still +trembled so much that I was glad to accept the support of De Walden's +arm. He attended me home; but we neither of us spoke during the walk. +When I reached the door, I said, "Come to me to breakfast to-morrow; +for to-day I am wholly unfitted for company." He sighed, bowed, and +departed; but not without assuring me that he would enquire concerning +the causes of my husband's arrest, and try to get him set at liberty. + +"Well," cried Juan, "I have one comfort more than I had; Count De Walden +has declared that while you remain in Paris he will." And I also felt +comforted by this assurance. + +I now retired to my own room, and, throwing myself on the bed, entered +upon that severe task self-examination; and I learnt to doubt whether +my expedition to France were as truly and singly the result of pure +and genuine tenderness, and a sense of duty, as I had supposed it was. +For what had I done? I had certainly shone in the eyes of many at the +expense of my husband. I had, as he said, "humbled him in his own eyes," +and I had chosen to run risks for his sake, which he could not approve, +and after all might not be the better for. In such reflections as these +I passed that long and miserable day; aye, and in some worse still; +for I felt that Pendarves no longer loved me--that he esteemed, he +respected, he admired me; but that his tenderness was gone, and gone +too, probably, for ever! + +I had however one pleasant idea to dwell upon. Deputies, if not an +ambassador, were now expected from America, and De Walden had told Juan +he should claim their protection for us. + +The next morning De Walden came; but his brow was clouded, his manner +embarrassed, and the tone of his voice mournful. + +"Have you made the inquiries which you promised?" + +"I have; and they have not been answered satisfactorily. My dear friend, +there are subjects which nothing but the emergencies of the case could +justify me to discuss with you. Will you therefore pardon me if I say--" + +"Say any thing: at a moment like this it is my duty not to shrink from +the truth. I guess what you mean." + +He then told me the cause of my husband's arrest, which I have already +mentioned; adding that the ostensible causes were so trifling, that they +could probably be easily gotten over; but that the true cause, jealousy, +was, he feared, not likely to be removed. + +"But she left him," cried I, "left him as if for ever, and accompanied +her new lover in triumph!" + +"Yes: but I fear that he will not get quit of her so soon." + +My only answer to this unwelcome truth was a deep sigh; and for some +minutes I was unable to speak, while De Walden anxiously walked up and +down the room. + +"Perhaps you would go and see Pendarves?" + +"No: excuse me: an interview between me and him must be painful, and +could not be beneficial. The letter I had from him to inform me of a +certain mournful event was cold; and though I answered it kindly,--for I +thought of you when I wrote,--I was convinced that the less we met again +the better." + +"Then what can you do?" + +"I know not--I could not save my friend, you know." + +"If money can do it, I possess the means." + +"And so do I; but Robespierre is inaccessible to bribes, and so I have +found his creatures. I fear that I must seek Madame Beauvais herself." + +"But she probably hates you?" + +"True: but she does not hate Pendarves; and if I convince her that her +only chance of liberating him is by seeming to have ceased to love him, +the business may be done." + +"And must he owe his liberty, and perhaps his life, to her? But be it +so, if he can be preserved no other way--in that case I would even be a +suitor to her myself." + +"That I could not bear. But oh! dear inconsiderate friend, why did you +come hither?" + +"Because I thought it my duty." + +"And do you still think so?" + +I was silent. + +"Answer me: candid and generous Helen: do you not now see that it +was more your duty to stay in your own safe country, protected by +respectable friends, than to come hither courting danger, and the worst +of dangers to a virtuous wife? Believe me, the passive virtue of painful +but quiet endurance of injury was the virtue for you to practise. This +quixotic daring looked like duty; but was not duty, Helen, and could +only end in disappointment: for tell me, have you not found that you +have thus suffered and thus dared for an ingrate?" + +My silence answered the question. + +"Enough!" resumed De Walden; "and I feel that I have been cruel; but +mine has been the reproof of friendship, wrung from me by the indignant +agony of knowing that even I cannot perhaps protect you from the insults +which I dread. Oh! why did they let you come hither? I am sure your mind +was not itself when you thought of it." + +"You are right. The idea had taken hold of my imagination then +unnaturally raised, and come I would. But my physician approved my +coming; for he thought it safer for me, and thought, if I was not +indulged, that my reason, if not my life, might suffer." + +This statement completely overset De Walden's self-command; he blamed +himself for what he had said--accused himself of cruelty--extolled the +patient sweetness with which I had heard him, and had condescended to +justify myself. Then, striking his forehead, he exclaimed, "And I, alas! +am powerless to save a being like this! But save her, THOU," he added, +lifting his clasped hands to heaven. + +The hour of my appointment at the prison now arrived again, and De +Walden accompanied me thither. I did not see Benoit; but I was admitted +directly, and my conductor, opening the door, said, "A female citizen +desires to see you." + +"Indeed!" said Pendarves in a tone of joy; but he started, and looked +disappointed, when he saw me. + +"Is it you, Helen?" said he. + +"Did you expect it was any one else?" + +"Not much," he replied, evidently disconcerted; "not much. It is only a +primitive old-fashioned wife like yourself who would follow an unworthy +husband to a prison." + +"And to a scaffold, if necessary," cried I with energy. + +"Helen!" said Pendarves in a deep but caustic tone, "spare me! spare me! +This excess of goodness--" + +I smiled; but I believe my smile was as bitter as his accents. + +What meetings were these between persons circumstanced as we once were +and were now! But it could not be otherwise, and all I now suffered I +had brought upon myself. In order to change the tone of our feelings, I +told him De Walden had breakfasted with me, and then asked him if he +would not like to see Juan. + +He said "Yes," but carelessly, and then added, "So De Walden has been +with you?" and fell into a mournful reverie till our uncomfortable +interview was over. + +I promised to send him by Juan all he wanted and desired, of linen, +clothes, and food; for Benoit had assured me he would allow him to +receive any thing for the sake of his good wife. He thanked me, shook +my hand kindly, and saw me depart, as I thought with pleasure. + +I found De Walden waiting for me with Juan. The latter by my desire +asked for Benoit, and begged to know of him at what hour that day or +evening he might be admitted to his master. Accordingly he went, +carrying with him the articles I mentioned. He was gone some time; and +anxious indeed was I for his return. + +"I have seen her," said he. + +"Seen whom?" + +"That vile woman." + +"Was she with him?" cried I, turning very faint. + +"No, no: let the good Benoit alone for that. She desired to see the +Citoyen Pendarves, her husband;" on which Benoit scornfully answered, +"One wife is enough for any man: I allow him to see one of his every +day, but no more; so go away, and do not return again." + +"What!" exclaimed the creature, in great agitation, "is she, is Helen +Pendarves in Paris?" + +"Yes; _she_, the _true_ she,--the good wife is here; and _she_ alone +will Benoit admit to his prisoner. _Va-t en, te dis-je!_" + +"And the creature went away," added Juan; "for I saw and heard it all, +giving him such a look!" + +I could not help being pleased with this account; but I sent him +immediately to tell De Walden what had passed, that he might lose no +time in seeking La Beauvais, to prevent her going to the prison, and +thereby increasing the danger of Pendarves.--When Juan returned, I +asked for a minute detail of all that passed between my husband and +him. + +"Oh! he is very wretched!" he replied: "but he told me nothing +concerning himself; he only walked up and down the narrow room, asking +me nothing but about you, and why they let you come, and if De Walden +came on purpose to guard you. In short, we talked of nothing else; and +then he did so wish you safe back in your own country!" + +This account gave me sincere pleasure, and made me believe that +Seymour's heart was not so much alienated from me as I expected; and a +weight seemed suddenly taken from my mind. The next day I went again at +noon, and I found La Beauvais in high dispute with Benoit. As soon as he +saw me, he saw that I recognised her, and that my countenance bore the +hue of death, he caught my hand, saying, "_Vite! vite! entre donc:_ +BELLE _et_ BONNE! _et toi, va-t en tout de suite!_"[18] + + [Footnote 18: Quick! quick! enter: fair and good! but you, go away + directly!] + +La Beauvais, provoked and disappointed, seized my arm. "Madame +Pendarves," she cried, "the same interest brings us hither: use your +influence over this barbarian to procure me admittance." + +"The same interest!" I replied, turning round, throwing her hand from my +arm, and looking at her with all the scorn and abhorrence which I felt: +"_Madame, je ne vous connois pas._"[19] + + [Footnote 19: Madam! I do not know you.] + +"It is well," she said. "Depend on it, I shall refresh your memory; and +soon too. I will be revenged, though my own heart bleeds for it." + +She then hastened away; and I, feeling the rash folly I had committed, +and fearing I had irreparably injured my husband's cause, was forced to +let the kind jailor conduct me to his own apartment, in order that I +might recover myself before I went to Pendarves. I found him more +cheerful, and also more affectionate in his manner towards me. He had +been reading a letter, which he hastily put into his pocket; yet not so +soon but that my quick eye discovered in the address the hand of La +Beauvais. It was this renewal of intercourse, then, that had made him +cheerful! But why then was he more affectionate to me? I have since +resolved that question to my satisfaction. + +No one likes to give up any power once possessed. Pendarves had +flattered himself La Beauvais fondly loved him; and his bitter grief +at her apparent desertion of him, arose from wounded pride, and the fear +of having lost his power over her, more than from pining affection. +But she had written to him; she was trying to gain admittance to his +prison:--his wounded vanity therefore was at rest on one point, and the +sight of me was grateful because it ministered to it in another. + +But I did not, could not reason then: I only felt; and what with +jealousy, and what with my fears for his life, now, I thought, +endangered by me, I was ill and evidently wretched the whole time I +staid. But Seymour's manner to me was most soothing, and even tender. At +that moment I could better have borne indifference from him; for I was +conscious that I had weakly given way to the feelings of an injured +jealous woman, and had thereby probably given the seal to his fate! + +Glad was I when the jailor summoned me; for I was anxious to tell De +Walden the folly which I had committed; and I saw that Seymour was hurt +at the cold and hurried manner in which I bade him farewell. + +When I saw De Walden, he told me that he had called in vain on La +Beauvais hitherto; but would try again and again. On hearing what had +passed between us he became alarmed, but declared that he could not have +forgiven me if I had spoken or acted otherwise. That day some of the +tyrant's creatures were in our shop, and one of them desired to see the +other shop-woman, declaring Alice was not pretty enough to wait on them; +and that they were resolved the next time they came to see _la belle +Angloise_.--But every other fear was soon swallowed up in one. + +Juan overheard that night in the Thuilleries gardens, that the +Englishman Pendarves would be brought before the tribunal the day after +the next, and there was no doubt of his being executed with several +others directly!!! + +The moment, the dreaded moment was now indeed at hand, and how was it +to be averted? De Walden heard this intelligence also, and came to me +immediately. But all hope seemed vain, because he was to be condemned to +satisfy private wishes, and not because any public wrong could be proved +against him; and he left me in utter despair. But he also left me to +reflect; and the result was a determination to act resolutely and +immediately, and to risk the event. Suffice, that I called my faithful +servants into my room, reminded them of that fidelity and obedience to +me which they had vowed to my poor mother on her death-bed, and told +them the hour for them to prove their attachment and fulfil their vow +was now arrived. This solemn adjuration was answered by as solemn +assurances to obey me in whatever I required of them. I first required +that they should keep all I was now going to say, and all they or I were +going to do, profoundly secret from De Walden. I saw Juan recoil at +this; but I was firm, and he swore himself to secrecy. I then unfolded +to them my scheme, and had to encounter tears, entreaties urged on +bended knee, that I would give up my rash design, and consider myself. +But they might as well have talked to the winds. "I feel," said I, "by +the suddenness of this proceeding, that my treatment of La Beauvais has +done this, and it is my duty, at all risks to myself, to save my husband +from the death to which I have hurried him." The faithful creatures were +silenced, but not convinced. Still, finding they could not prevent my +purpose, and that I declared I would cry "_Vive le Roi_," that I might +die with my husband, they prepared in mournful obedience to consult with +me on the best means of accomplishing my wishes. + +My plan was this: I resolved to ask permission to take a last farewell +of Pendarves at night, after I had seen him in the morning, and then +change clothes with him, and remain in his stead. + +"And as Benoit was ill in bed this evening, when you went," said I, +"there is no likelihood that he will be well to-morrow; so my plan +cannot injure him. Therefore, let us be prepared to execute what I have +designed, directly." + +"Well! my comfort is," said Juan, "that my master will not consent to +risk your life to save his." + +"Not willingly; but I shall force him to do it." + +"Well! we shall see." + +You may remember how I used to regret my great height, because Pendarves +did not admire tall women; but now how I valued it, as it made it more +easy for Pendarves to pass for me, and therefore might aid my efforts to +save his life! + +We agreed that Alice and Juan should be in waiting with a covered +peasant's cart, at the end of the Luxembourg gardens; that then he +should drive him and her to our lodging in the Champs Elisees, which we +had again hired, where he was to pass for me, and still hide his face as +if in great affliction. The house was kept by a deaf, stupid old woman, +who was not likely to suspect any thing. And at day-break, Pendarves in +a peasant's dress, with Alice by his side, dressed like a peasant also, +with her hood over her face, was to drive on day and night when he had +passed the barrier, which we hoped it would be easy to do, till some +place of safe retreat offered itself on the road. And I knew that on +this road was the _chateau_ of a gentleman whom we had known and had +done kindnesses for in England, who had contrived like some others to +take no part in politics, and had retained his house and his land. + +All was procured and ready as I desired; and, having written down my +scheme for my husband, conjuring him to grant my request, I went to the +prison in the morning with a beating heart, lest Benoit should be well +enough to be at his post. But he was not only unwell; he was dismissed +from his office. The _bon Benoit_, as he was called, was too good for +his situation.[20] + + [Footnote 20: An historical fact.] + +Seymour beheld with wonder, and no small alarm, my cheek, now flushed, +now pale, my tremulous voice, and my abstracted manner; and I once more +saw in him that affectionate interest and anxiety so dear to my heart. + +"You are ill, my beloved," said he at length. + +"Beloved!" How the word thrilled through my heart! I never expected to +hear it again from his lips; and the sound overcame me. "I shall be +better soon," cried I, bursting into tears. + +The surly jailor (Oh! how unlike Benoit!) who had taken his place, now +summoned me away, and I slided my letter into my husband's hands. "Read +it," said I, "and know that your doom is fixed for to-morrow; therefore +I conjure you by our past loves to grant the request which this letter +contains; and if you think I have deserved kindness from you, comply +with my wishes." + +Seymour, who had heard nothing of his approaching fate, took the letter, +and listened to me with a bewildered air; and I hastened from the +prison. I had easily obtained permission to return to the prison at +night. + +"It will be the last time. You will never come again," said the brutal +gaoler: "your husband will never come back when he goes to the tribunal +to-morrow, so come and welcome!" + +I spent the intervening time in writing a letter to De Walden, inclosing +one for my uncle, which I begged him to forward; and I arranged every +thing as if death awaited me. Nay, how could I be assured that it did +not? but I kept all my fears to myself and talked of hope alone to my +poor servants, who wandered about, the pictures of grief. + +When De Walden called that day I would not see him, but lay down on +purpose to avoid him; for I dreaded to meet his penetrating glance. + +As it was now the middle of July, days were shortening, and by eight +o'clock twilight was gathering fast. My appointment was for half-past +seven; and by a bribe I obtained leave from Benoit's unworthy successor +to stay till half-past eight. + +Then, summoning all my fortitude, I entered the cell of my husband. I +shall pass over the first moments of our meeting; but I shall never +forget them, and I am soothed and comforted when I recollect all that +escaped from that affectionate and generous, though misguided being. +Suffice, that all his arguments were vain to persuade me that he was not +worthy to be saved, at even the smallest risk to a life so precious as +mine. + +"My life precious!" cried I: "a being without any near and dear ties! +with neither parent, child, nor husband, I may _now_ say," cried I, +thrown off my guard by the consciousness of a desolate heart. + +"I have deserved this reproach," said Seymour; "you have indeed no +husband, therefore why should not I die? as, were I gone, Helen, I feel, +I know, that you would be no longer desolate!" + +I understood his meaning, but did not notice it. Bitter was now the +anguish which I felt; nay, so violent was my distress, and so earnest +my entreaties that he would escape, as the idea that he refused me in +consequence of what I had just said, would, if he perished, drive me, I +was convinced, to complete distraction, that he at last consented to my +request. + +"But, take notice," said he, "that I do it with this assurance, that, if +my escape puts you in peril, I will return and suffer for or with you; +and then you shall again find that you have a husband, Helen, and our +union shall be renewed in death, and cemented in our blood.--I say no +more. You command, and it is my duty to obey." + +He then took off his _robe de chambre_ which he wore in prison; and I +dressed him in the loose gown I had made up for the occasion, and long +enough to hide his feet; and even when he had my bonnet on, I had the +satisfaction of seeing that he did not look much taller than I did. I +now wrapt his robe tight round me, put all my hair under his night-cap +and with my handkerchief at my eyes awaited the gaoler's summons; while +Pendarves dropped the veil, and covered his face with his handkerchief +as if in grief. But the anxious heavings of my bosom and the mournful +ones of his were only too real. Every thing favoured us; the wind was +high, and, by blowing the door to, blew out the lamp which the gaoler +held: therefore the only light was from a dim lamp in the passage. At +the door stood the trembling Juan. + +"There, take care of her; for she totters as if she was drunk," said the +gaoler; "I warrant you she will never come again." + +In five minutes more Seymour was in the cart, and very shortly after he +reached our cottage in safety, and was, as me, lying in my bed in the +Champs Elisees. I, meanwhile, went to bed, and made no answer, but by +groans to the "Good night" and brutal consolations of the gaoler, when +he came to lock me up, without the smallest suspicion who I was. But +when I heard myself actually locked up for the night, I threw myself on +my knees in a transport of devout gratitude. + +The next morning I rose after short and troubled rest, seating myself +with my back to the door, that I might remain undiscovered as long as I +could, in order to give my husband more time to get away. But I could no +longer retard the awful moment; for my gaoler came to summon me before +the tribunal. + +"I am quite ready!" said I, turning slowly round. I leave you to imagine +his surprise, his indignation, his execrations, and his abuse. I forgave +him, for the poor wretch feared for his place, if not for his life. + +"Yes: you shall go before the tribunal," said he, seizing me with savage +fury. "But no, I must first send after your rascally husband." + +He then locked me in; and I saw no more of him for two hours, when I +heard a great noise in the passage, down which my cell when open looked, +and presently the door was unlocked by the gaoler himself, who exclaimed +with a malignant smile, "Your husband is taken, and brought back! Look +out, and you will see him!" + +I _did_ look out, I did see him, unseen by him at first, and I saw him +walking up the passage with La Beauvais weeping on his arm, and one of +hers thrown across his shoulder. + +An involuntary exclamation escaped me; and I retreated back into the +cell. I have since heard that Henroit and his guards, De Walden and +Juan, were in the passage; but I only saw my husband and La Beauvais; +and leaning against the wall I hid my face in my hands, oppressed with a +thousand contending and bewildering sensations. + +"There!" said the vindictive gaoler, ushering in Pendarves, as if he +felt how painful a _tete-a-tete_ between us now would be; "there, +citizen! I shall shut you up with your wife, till I know what is to be +done with her. But perhaps you would like the other _citoyenne_ better?" + +"Peace!" cried Pendarves, "and leave us alone!" + +"Helen!" said my husband. + +"Mr. Pendarves!" + +"I see how it is, Helen; nor can I blame you: appearances were against +me. But I must and will assure you, that that person's appearing at such +a time, and her behaviour, were as unexpected as they were unwelcome." + +Still I spoke not: no, not even to inquire why I had the misery of +seeing him return; and ere I had broken this painful but only too +natural silence, and had only just resumed my woman's gown, the door was +again thrown open, and an officer of the National Convention came to +say, that I was allowed to return home for the present, till further +proceedings were resolved upon. + +"Take notice, sir," said Pendarves, "that this lady's only fault has +been too great a regard for an unworthy husband; and that what you may +deem a crime, the rest of Europe will call a virtue." + +The officer smiled; and wishing my husband good night, I followed where +he led. + +At the gate I found De Walden, who accompanied me home, having first +been assured by the officer that I should be under surveillance. + +"And is it thus, rash Helen, you use your best friends, and risk an +existence so valuable?" cried De Walden. + +"Spare me, spare me your reproaches," said I: "I am sufficiently humbled +already." + +"Not _humbled_--those only are humbled who could injure such a creature. +Helen, I was in the passage at the prison, and I saw all that passed. + +"Now then, while this recollection is fresh on your mind, let me ask you +if you think yourself justified in staying here where you are now +exposed to insult and to danger, for the sake of one who at a moment +which would have bound another man more tenderly than ever, could so +meet and so offend your eyes?" I was still silent. + +"Now then hear my proposal. I have the greatest reason to believe that +I can secure an escape both for you, Alice, and myself, through the +_barriere_ this very night on the road to Switzerland, There, my dear +friend, I offer you a home and a parent! My mother will be your mother, +my uncle your uncle; and well do I know, that could my revered Mrs. +Pendarves look down on what is passing here, she would be happier to see +you under the protection of my family than under any other protection on +earth!" + +"No, my dear friend, no; your just resentment and your wishes deceive +you. My mother valued her child's fame and her child's virtues equal +with her safety." + +"Your fame could not suffer. I would not live even near you, Helen. I am +as jealous of your fame as any mother could be: besides that _principle_ +would make me shun you.--No, Helen; I would see you safe in Switzerland, +and then sail for America." + +"Generous man! But you shall not quit your country for my sake: besides, +I will not quit my husband in the hour of danger. No, whatever be the +fate of Pendarves, I stay to witness and perhaps to share it. The die is +cast: so say no more." + +By this time we had reached my home. Alice came to meet me. + +"O my poor, dear master!" said she: "but it was all his own seeking. We +had passed the barrier; but he would go back. He declared he could not, +would not escape till he knew you were safe: when just as I was got into +the house in the Champs Elisees, and he was holding the reins in his +hands, the officers seized him; and he said, 'I am he whom you seek--I +am quite willing to accompany you.'" + +"This in some measure redeems his character with me," cried De Walden; +and _I_ did not feel it the less because I said nothing: but at length I +said, "Generous Seymour! He never told me this. He did not make a merit +of it with me." + +Juan now came in, lamenting with great grief his poor master's return. +"O that vile woman!" cried he: "It was at her instigation that he was to +have been tried and condemned to-day; and then she repented, and came +to the prison to watch for his being led out, when she saw him brought +back, and then she had the audacity to hang upon him, weeping and making +such a fuss! while he, poor soul, tried to shake her off, assuring her +he forgave her, but never wished to see her more!" + +"Did he act and talk thus?" cried I. + +"He did indeed." + +"And he came back from anxiety for me! O my dear friend, how glad am I +that I refused your proposal before I heard this!"--Sweet indeed was it +to my heart to have the conduct of Pendarves thus cleared up. + +That evening we learnt that Pendarves was to go before the tribunal the +next day; and I was preparing to try to gain admittance to him, and to +see him as he came out, when an order for my own arrest came, and an +officer and his assistants to lead me to a prison. Juan instantly went +in search of De Walden; but I was led away before his return. + +On the road we met the tyrant: "_Ah ha, ma belle!_" cried he, "where are +now your green spectacles?" + +I haughtily demanded my liberty; but he said I was a dangerous +person--and to prison I was borne. To such a prison too! My husband's +cell was a palace to mine; but I immediately concluded that they wished +to make my confinement so horrible that I should be glad to leave it on +any conditions. + +Two days after, and while I had been, I found, forbidden to see any +one, I received a letter informing me that my decree of arrest should +instantly be _casse_, my husband set at liberty and sent with a +safe-conduct out of the frontiers, if I would promise to smile on a man +who adored me, and who had power to do whatever he promised, and would +perform it before he claimed one approving glance from my fine eyes. + +I have kept this letter as a specimen of Jacobin love-making. It was not +signed with any name, except that of my _devoue serviteur_; and I never +knew from whom it came. + +It told me an answer would be called for _in person_ the day after the +next; and anxiously did I await this interview--await it in horrors +unspeakable. There was, however, one comfort which I derived from this +letter: till it was answered, I felt assured that my husband was safe. +Dreadful was the morrow: more dreadful still the day after it; for +hourly now did I expect the visit of the wretch. But that day, and the +next day passed, and I saw no one but my taciturn and brutal gaoler, +and heard nothing but the closing of the prison doors. + +The next day too I expected him still in vain; but that night I marked +an unusual emotion, and, as I thought, a look of alarm in my gaoler; +and my wretched scanty meals were not given me till a considerable time +after the usual hour. That night too I and the other prisoners, I found, +were locked up two hours before the customary time. + +All that night I heard noises in the street of the most frightful +description; and as my cell was near the front gates of the prison, I +could even distinguish what the sounds were; and I heard the horrible +tocsin sound to arms: I heard the report of fire-arms, I heard the +shouts of the people, I heard the cry of 'Liberty,' I heard 'Down with +the tyrant!' and all these mingled with execrations, shrieks, and, as I +fancied, groans; while I sunk upon my knees, and committed myself in +humble resignation to the awful fate which might then be involving him I +loved, and which might soon reach me, and drag me from the dungeon to +the scaffold! + +At this moment of horrible suspense and alarm, and soon after the day +had risen on this theatre of blood, my door was thrown open, not by my +brutal gaoler, but by De Walden and Juan! My gaoler, one of the tools of +despotism, had fled; the twenty-eighth of July had freed the country +from the fetters of the tyrant; he was _then_ at that moment on his way +to the guillotine with his colleagues; and I, Pendarves, and hundreds +else, were saved! + +Oh! what had not my poor servants and De Walden endured during the four +days of my imprisonment! Painful as that was, they feared worse evils +might ensue; while Pendarves, confined with the utmost strictness, was +not allowed to see even Juan! + +But where was Pendarves? and why did I not see _him_, if he was indeed +at liberty? De Walden looked down and replied, "He is at liberty, I +know; but we have heard and seen nothing of him." + +By this time we had reached my home, where I was received with tears of +joy by my agitated attendants. But, alas! my joy was changed into +mortification and bitterness: and when my happy friends called on me to +rejoice with them, I replied, in the agony of my heart, "I _am_ +thankful, but I shall never rejoice again!" and for some minutes I laid +my head on the table, and never spoke but by the deepest sighs. + +"I understand you," replied De Walden; "and if I can bring you any +welcome intelligence, depend on it that I will." + +He then hastily departed; and worn out with anxiety, want of sleep, and +sorrow, I retired to my bed, and fortunately sunk into a deep and quiet +slumber. + +When I went down to breakfast the next day, I found De Walden waiting +for me. His cheek was pale, and his look dejected; but he smiled when I +entered the room, and told me he brought me tidings of my husband. + +"Indeed!" cried I with eagerness. + +"Yes; I have seen him. He is at a lodging on the Italian Boulevards--and +alone." + +"Alone! And--and does he not mean to see me; to call and--" + +"How could he? Have you forgotten how you last parted? You resenting +deeply his then only seeming delinquency; and he wounded by, yet +resigned to, your evident resentment." + +"True, true: yet still--" + +"No; I had a long conversation with Pendarves,--for after his late +behaviour, and being convinced that he was alone, I had no objection to +call on him,--and he received me as I wished. He even was as open on +every subject as I could desire; and I found him, though still +persecuted by the letters of La Beauvais, resolved never to renew any +correspondence with her." + +"If so, and if sure of himself, why not write to me, if he does not like +to visit me? I am sure I have not proved myself unforgiving." + +"Shall I tell you why? A feeling that does him honour; a consciousness +that, fallen as he is from the high estate he once held in your esteem +and that of others, he cannot presume to require of you, though you are +his wife, a re-instatement in your love and your society; and he very +properly feels that the first advance should come from you: for though, +as I told him, the relaxed principles of the world allow husbands a +latitude which they deny to wives; still, in the eyes of God, and in +those of nicely feeling men, the fault is in both sexes equal; and an +offender like Pendarves is no longer entitled, as he was before, to the +tenderness of a virtuous wife. Nay, Pendarves, penitent and self-judged, +agrees with me in this opinion, and is thereby raised in my estimation." + +"What! does Pendarves feel and think thus?" + +"Yes; therefore I will myself entreat for him entire forgiveness; but +not directly, and as if a husband who has so grossly erred were as dear +to you as one without error." + +Here De Walden's voice failed him; but he soon after added, in a low +voice, "And I trust that to have aided in bringing about your re-union +will support me under the feelings which the sight of it may occasion +me." + +"But does Pendarves think I shall be always inexorable?" + +"He cannot think so; from your oft experienced kindness." + +"Then why prolong his anxiety? Why not offer to return with him to +England directly?" + +"Because I think there would be an indelicacy in offering so soon to +re-unite yourself to him. I would have you, though a wife, 'be wooed, +and not unsought be won;' but I should not dare to give you this advice, +were I not convinced that this is the feeling of Pendarves. Besides, I +also feel that he would be less oppressed by your superior virtue, if he +found it leavened by a little female pride and resentment." + +"Well, well, I will consider the matter," said I. + +The next day, and the day after, De Walden called and saw Pendarves. "He +is very unhappy," said he; "though he might be the envy of all the first +men in Paris. The most beautiful woman in it, who lives in the first +style, is fallen in love with him; but he refuses all invitations to +her house, does not answer her _billets-doux_, and rejects all her +advances." + +"He does not love her, I suppose?" I replied, masking my satisfaction in +a scornful smile. + +"No, Helen. He says, and I believe him, that he never really loved any +one but you; and for La Beauvais, who persecutes him with visits as well +as letters, he has a kind of aversion. Believe me, that at this moment +he has all my pity, and much of my esteem; and could I envy the man who, +having called you his, is conscious of the guilt of having left you, I +trust I should soon have an opportunity of envying Pendarves." + +Oh! the waywardness of the human heart; or, was it only the waywardness +of mine? Now that I found my husband was anxious to return to me, I felt +less anxious for the re-union; and having gained my point, I began to +consider with more severity the faults which I was called upon to +overlook; and though I had reclaimed my wanderer, I began to consider +whether the reward was equal to the pains bestowed. And also I felt a +little mortified to find De Walden so willing to effect our union, and +so active in his endeavours to further it. These obliquities of feeling +were, however, only temporary; and I had actually written to Pendarves, +by the advice of De Walden, assuring him, all was so much forgiven and +forgotten, that I was prepared to quit Paris with him, and go with him +the world over--when the most dreadful intelligence reached me! even at +this hour I cannot recall that moment without agony. I must lay down my +pen-- + + * * * * * + +Pendarves continued to resist the repeated importunities of La Beauvais +to visit her; but at length she sent a friend to tell him she was dying, +and trusted he would not refuse to bid her farewell.--Pendarves could +not, dared not refuse to answer this appeal to his feelings, and he +repaired to her hotel; in which, though he knew it not, she was +maintained by one of the new Members of the Convention, whom she had +inveigled to marry her according to the laws of the republic. When he +arrived, he found her scarcely indisposed; and reproaching her severely +with her treachery, he told her that all her artifices were vain; that +his heart had always been his wife's though circumstances had enabled +her to lure him from me; that now I had shone upon him in the moments of +danger more brightly than ever; and that he conjured her to forget a +guilty man, who, though never likely perhaps to be happy again with the +woman he adored, yet still preferred his present solitary but guiltless +situation to all the intoxicating hours which he had passed with _her_. + +La Beauvais, who really loved him, was overcome with this solemn +renunciation, and fell back in a sort of hysterical affection on the +couch; and while he held her hand, and was bathing her temples with +essences, her husband rushed in, and exclaiming, "Villain, defend +yourself!" he gave a pistol into the hand of Pendarves; then firing +himself, the ball took effect; and while De Walden was waiting his +return at his lodgings to give him my letter of recall and of forgiving +love, he was carried thither a bleeding and a dying man! But he was +conscious; and while Juan, who called by accident, remained with him, De +Walden came to break the dread event to me, and bear me to the couch of +the sufferer. + +He was holding my letter to his heart. + +"It has healed every wound there," said he, "except those by conscience +made; and it shall lie there till all is over." + +Silent, stunned, I threw myself beside him, and joined my cold cheek to +his. + +"O Helen! and is it thus we meet? Is _this_ our re-union?" + +"Live! do but live," cried I, in a burst of salutary tears; "and you +shall find how dearly I love you still; and we shall be so +happy!--happier than ever!" + +He shook his head mournfully, and said he did not deserve to live, and +to be so happy; and he humbly bowed to that chastising hand which, when +he had escaped punishment for real errors, made him fall the victim of +an imaginary one. + +The surgeons now came to examine the wound a second time, and confirmed +their previous sentence, that the wound was mortal; on which he desired +to be left alone with me, and I was able to suppress my feelings that I +might sooth his during this overwhelming interview. + +These moments are some of the dearest and most sacred in the stores of +memory--but I shall not detail them; suffice that I was able, in default +of better aid, to cheer the death-bed of the beloved sufferer, and +breathe over him, from the lips of agonizing tenderness, the faltering +but fervent prayer. + +That duty done, my fortitude was exhausted, I saw before me, not the +erring husband--the being who had blighted my youth by anxiety, and +wounded all the dearest feelings of my soul; but the playfellow of my +childhood, the idolized object of my youthful heart, and the husband of +my virgin affections! and I was going to lose him! and he lay pale and +bleeding before me! and his last fond lingering look of unutterable love +was now about to close on me for ever! + +"She has forgiven me!" he faltered out; "and Oh! mayst Thou forgive my +trespasses against thee!--Helen! it is sweet and consoling, my only +love, to die here," said he, laying his cheek upon my bosom:--and he +spoke no more! + + * * * * * + +Alas! I could not have the sad consolation, when I recovered my +recollection, to carry his body to England, to repose by those dear ones +already in the grave; but I do not regret it now. Since then, the hands +of piety have planted the rough soil in which he was laid; flowers bloom +around his grave; and when five years ago I visited Paris, with my own +hands I strewed his simple tomb with flowers that spring from the now +hallowed soil around. + +Object of my earliest and my fondest love never, no never, have +forgotten thee! nor can I ever forget! But, like one of the shades of +Ossian, thou comest over my soul, brightly arrayed in the beams of thy +loveliness; but all around thee is dark with mists and storms! + +To conclude.--I have only to add, that after two years of seclusion, and +I may say of sorrow, and one of that dryness and desolation of the +heart, when it seems as if it could love no more, that painful feeling +vanished, and I became the willing bride of De Walden; that my beloved +uncle lived to see me the happy mother of two children; and that my aunt +gossips, advises and quotes, as well and as constantly as usual; that on +the death of his uncle and his mother, my husband and I came to reside +entirely in England; that Lord Charles Belmour, with a broken +constitution and a shattered fortune, was glad at last to marry for a +nurse and a dower, and took to wife a first cousin who had loved him for +years,--a woman who had sense enough to overlook his faults in his good +qualities, and temper enough to bear with the former; and he grows every +day more happy, more amiable, and more in love with marriage. + +For myself, I own with humble thankfulness the vastness of the blessings +I enjoy; and though I cannot repent that I married the husband of my own +choice, I confess I have never been so truly happy as with the husband +of my mother's:--for though I feel that it is often delightful to +forgive a husband's errors, she, and she alone, is truly to be envied, +whose husband has no errors to forgive. + + +THE END. + + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE + +Missing punctuation has been added and superfluous punctuation removed +(most frequently quotation marks). Period spellings have been retained, +although a number of obvious typographical errors were corrected. +Hyphenation is inconsistent throughout and a number of words occur +in various spellings. + +The name of one historical figure appears both as Hebert and as Herbert +in the original, and has been changed to Hebert. Otherwise, no +corrections have been made to the French. + + +The following additional changes were made to the text; in each case, +the original is followed by the corrected version: + + I went to down dinner + I went down to dinner + + We were asked to stay dinner + We were asked to stay to dinner + + and as i If addressed an inferior + and as if I addressed an inferior + + a mono-drame, a a ballet of action + a mono-drame, a ballet of action + + the impractible Lord Charles + the impracticable Lord Charles + (NB impracticable here has its old meaning of unmanageable) + + were a tearful one fails + where a tearful one fails + + as little attention as as I can + as little attention as I can + +One passage had a line of text out of sequence. The original reads: + + returned in much agitation from his walk, but I + experienced at sight of Pendarves; and on inquiry + saw it was of an opposite nature to that which he + I found that he had, as he said, met that good + young man, Count De Walden. + +The corrected version runs: + + returned in much agitation from his walk, but I + saw it was of an opposite nature to that which he + experienced at sight of Pendarves; and on inquiry + I found that he had, as he said, met that good + young man, Count De Walden. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Wife's Duty, by Amelia Alderson Opie + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A WIFE'S DUTY *** + +***** This file should be named 35294.txt or 35294.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/2/9/35294/ + +Produced by Delphine Lettau and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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